HILLINGDON HALL 
 
 OR 
 
 THE COCKNEY SQUIRE
 
 PUBLISHER'S NOTE. This, one of the best of Mr. Surtees' works, was 
 originally commenced in the New Sporting Magazine, and illustrated by 
 the inimitable artists, Wildrake and Heath, but was not completed in 
 that Magazine. It was afterwards published complete in a Three Volume 
 edition. The Five Illustrations now added are by John Jellicoe, and 
 illustrate the latter portion of the work not done by Wildrake or Heath. 
 All are coloured by hand.
 
 HILLINGDON HALL 
 
 THE COCKNEY SQUIRE 
 
 H ftale of Country Xife 
 
 BY AUTHOR OF 
 
 'HANDLEY CROSS," "JORROCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES," &c. 
 
 TKflftb twelve Illustrations 
 
 BY WILDRAKE HEATH JELLICOE 
 
 COLOURED BY HAND 
 
 LONDON 
 JOHN C. NIMMO 
 
 14, KING WILLIAM STREET, STRAND 
 MDCCCLXXXV1H
 
 Saflantpne
 
 ^ oOo 
 
 Stack 
 Annex 
 
 / 5 
 
 .cm 
 
 TO 
 
 THE ROYAL AGRICULTURAL SOCIETY OF ENGLAND, 
 
 THIS VOLUME IS INSCRIBED, 
 
 BY THEIR 
 OBEDIENT HUMBLE SERVANT, 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
 2032577
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 IKE Author of this work will not trespass 
 on the indulgence of the reader, in the 
 way of preface, further than to say that 
 the agricultural portion of it is not meant to dis- 
 courage improvement, but to repress the wild 
 schemes of theoretical men, who attend farmers' 
 meetings for the pleasure of hearing themselves talk, 
 and do more harm than good by the promulgation of 
 their visionary views. 
 
 HODDESDON, HERTS, 
 October 1844.
 
 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS, 
 
 COLOURED BY HAND. 
 
 1. MR. JORROCKS'S ARRIVAL ASTONISHES THE VILLAGE OF 
 
 HILLINGDON Frontispiece 
 
 2. MR. JORROCKS ACCOSTS HERCULES STRONG . . Face Page 34 
 
 3. THE DUKE OF DONKEYTON CALLS ON MR. JORROCKS . . 56 
 
 4. THE GUESTS DEPART FROM DONKEYTON CASTLE . . .112 
 
 5. THE SURPRISE ..'....... 246 
 
 6. THE HARVEST HOME BALL . . ... . . 270 
 
 7. "IT'S SIR ROBERT PEEL'S GRAND BOOLE" .... 284 
 
 8. THE MARQUIS OF BRAY KISSES KMMA . . . ' . . 330 
 
 9. MR. JORROCKS STARTS THE HARE 342 
 
 10. THE DUKE'S HORROR AT THE MARQUIS MARRYING A COM- 
 
 MONER . . . . : 392 
 
 11. MR. BOWKER'S PERSONAL CANVASS- . ... . 458 
 
 12. MR. JORROCKS ADDRESSING THE CROWD * '-. . . .502

 
 HILLINGDON HALL 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE COCKNEY SQUIRE. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 ! Oh, knew he but his happiness, of men, 
 The happiest he who, far from public rage, 
 Deep in the vale, with a choice few retired, 
 Drinks the pure pleasure of the rural life." 
 
 ILLINGDON HALL was one of those nice old- 
 fashioned, patchy, up-stairs and down-stairs sort 
 of houses, that either return to their primitive 
 smallness, or are swept away for stately man- 
 sions with well-arranged suites of company rooms, leaving 
 perhaps the entrance or a room or two. to disfigure the rest, 
 and show what the edifice originally was. This at least 
 is the fate of most of them. As soon as the last addition 
 or improvement is completed, down comes the whole; and 
 a plausible architect so confuses the owner with indis- 
 pensables things without which " no house can be perfect " 
 that when at length the masons and joiners and painters 
 and plasterers and plumbers have taken their departure, he 
 finds himself the master of quite a different sort of house 
 to what he wanted, and begins to think the old patched 
 house would have served his purpose very well, and been 
 much more comfortable. 
 
 Hillingdon Hall was quite a specimen of the old-fashioned 
 manor-house. Driving through the neat little village, with 
 its pretty white-washed, rose-covered cottages, a simple 
 portico projecting a little into the street, was all that 
 
 A
 
 2 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 denoted a mansion of pretension ; but when the door was 
 opened, and the stranger ushered along a wide but low 
 passage, into a fair-sized hall, with a billiard table in the 
 centre, the numerous carved black oak doors and passages 
 branching off, increased its importance as he proceeded. 
 The old rooms, consisting of a dining and drawing room on 
 either side of the entrance, were of fair dimensions, oak- 
 wainscoted, with deep recesses at either end, closed by 
 sliding shutters, but these had long been converted into a 
 housekeeper's and " master's room," and first one and then 
 another had been added, until a handsome dining, drawing 
 room, and library ranged along the new front. Still there 
 was no attempt at architectural symmetry or display. 
 Each room had been added separately and stuck in, as it 
 were, so as not to interfere with its neighbours, and a 
 verandah accommodating itself to the various angles of the 
 house, and encompassing three sides of it, was the only 
 piece of uniformity about the place ; all the lower windows 
 opened into this, and under its fragrant shade a tolerable 
 share of exercise might be obtained on a wet day. The 
 view from it was beautiful. 
 
 Beyond an undulating lawn profusely studded with 
 gigantic oaks and ground-sweeping pines, the land stretched 
 away to a high promontory, whose rocky peak was washed 
 by the clear waters of the rapid Dart, which girded the two 
 sides of the angular estate. The fields were large and well 
 divided, and being of that table land frequently found on 
 river margins, showed to the eye as large again as they 
 were. The village with its hall stood about the centre 
 of the angle's base, and diverging from the road, about 
 a mile on the east, there was a sweet saunter along flowery 
 meads up the river's course, until the gradually narrowing 
 hills changed into craggy heights wild and magnificent 
 grandeur with drooping, dark green yews, and brighter 
 broom, or gayer gorse, or mountain ash, springing from 
 the interstices of the unscaleable rocks and craggy steeps. 
 
 Between these lofty cliffs the rapid river flowed in noisy 
 haste ; now foaming and rushing through water-worn chasms 
 in the massive rock, now pouring in regular flood over some
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 3 
 
 breast-high barrier, now dashing and dividing into a 
 hundred channels, against the fragments of a scattered 
 rock, and now gliding noiselessly away into the tranquillity 
 of deeper water. 
 
 From the giddy heights of the crag-head, the eye roved 
 over a vast expanse of mountainous wood-clothed country. 
 
 Following up the water's course, the rocks and banks 
 again gradually receded; the land drooped towards the 
 river, whose gurgling stream sounded soothingly through the 
 spaces between sweeping spruce, whose lofty and luxuriant 
 forms lined either side of a well-kept grassy ride. Here 
 pheasants fed and loitered in the tameness of tranquil 
 security, squirrels spurted up the trees, wood-pigeons cooed 
 wooingly in the branches, blackbirds and thrushes and 
 nightingales, all the feathered tribe, in short, joined in 
 the minstrelsy of the waters : and as the wanderer pursued 
 his way amid the music of nature and the perfume of wild 
 flowers, a sudden turn brought him again in sight of grass 
 fields beyond the road on the other side of the angle's base 
 from whence he had set out. 
 
 This was its out-of-door or walking aspect. From the 
 windows, though the acclivities of the crag were lost, there 
 wero two peeps of the silvery water at the extreme sides 
 of the angle where the banks were lowest, and an immense 
 tract of forest scenery, extending from the opposite hill 
 and stretching quite over the mountain-brow, broke the 
 sky line with the spiral tops of pines and larches com- 
 mingled with grey rocks and pointed cliffs, scattered in 
 irregular confusion over the wild surface. No sign of 
 habitation appeared save the clear white curl of smoke 
 from the woodmen's cottages, scattered at wide intervals 
 in the deep bosom of the forest. The animation of village 
 life was all behind the Hall. 
 
 This terrestrial paradise had long been the blissful 
 retreat of Mr. Westbury, a man of infinite talent and 
 learning, and about one of the last of the old-fashioned 
 race of country gentlemen who lived all the year round 
 on their estates. The beauty of the spot might indeed 
 plead in excuse for so uncivilized a proceeding, for Mr.
 
 4 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 Westbury had ample means of partaking of London plea- 
 sures in the unostentatious style of personal comfort, which, 
 after all, is the truest way of enjoying them. But year 
 after year rolled on, season succeeded season, without the 
 vacuum occurring that required the filling up of London 
 life. 
 
 Happy in the tranquillity of the country, happy in the 
 companionship of a sympathizing wife, happy in the society 
 of congenial friends, happy in the seclusion of the woods 
 that his hands had planted, or in wandering over the fields 
 and meadows that his skill had fertilized, age succeeded 
 youth, 
 
 " And all his prospects brightening to the last, 
 His heaven commenced ere the world was past." 
 
 He was the patriarch of the district the man to whom 
 all disputes were referred, all plans submitted the man 
 by whom all charities were promoted the petty king in 
 fact. The humble inhabitants of the little village looked 
 up to him, the wealthier neighbours were always anxious 
 to consult him ; and when death closed the eyes of the 
 amiable owner of Hillingdon Hall, and his comfortable 
 mansion, with its rich and picturesque domain, its woods 
 and waterfalls, varied and romantic scenery, became the 
 subject of newspaper advertisements, people far and wide 
 regretted the loss, and the inhabitants of the pretty little 
 village felt that the sun of Hillingdon's glory had set 
 for ever. 
 
 Some time elapsed after the sale before it became known 
 who was the purchaser of the Hillingdon estate ; some gave 
 it to one person, some to another ; the lawyers, as usual, 
 were " mum."
 
 ( 5 ) 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 "... most delicate fiend ! 
 Who is't can read a woman ? " 
 
 SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 |RS. FLATHER and Mrs. Trotter, who had long 
 battled for the honour of being second to the 
 Hall people, and who had only been restrained 
 from downright acts of hostility by the amiable 
 intervention of Mr. and Mrs. Westbury, seemed to have 
 entered into a sort of truce in case the new-comer should 
 require their united opposition. 
 
 Mrs. Flather was a simple, apparently open-hearted, but 
 in reality double-dealing, half-cunning sort of woman, 
 extremely candid and straightforward when it suited her 
 convenience, and extremely stupid and dull of compre- 
 hension when the reverse was the case. She was the 
 undespairing widow of a clergyman, an old friend of Mr. 
 Westbury' s, like him then recently gone to his last home. 
 
 Mrs. Flather was a capital figure for a gossip short and 
 dumpy, with a mild, placid, unmeaning sort of countenance, 
 that banished all fear as to what one might say before 
 her. Moreover, by assuming her late husband's undisguised 
 detestation of gossip and twaddle, she rather inveigled 
 people into communicativeness. " Oh, don't tell me any 
 secrets, pray ! " she would exclaim or, " Don't tell me any- 
 thing that doesn't concern myself. I never meddle with 
 other people's affairs," and so on ; by which means she 
 often got possession of secrets that would otherwise never 
 have been intrusted to her. 
 
 Mrs. Trotter was of the masculine order : a great, tall, 
 stout, upstanding, black-eyed, black-haired woman, with a
 
 6 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 strong, unturnable resolution ; and a poor, little, henpecked, 
 Jerry Sneak of a husband, who was of no more account in 
 the house than if no such being existed. He was a kind, 
 mild-dispositioned man, who might have been a useful and 
 amiable member of society, had not his wife's magnificent 
 proportions captivated him at the outset of life, and merged 
 his insignificance in herself. Mrs. Trotter was a busy, bust- 
 ling woman, with such a strong sense of " duty " as fre- 
 quently caused her to say and do things that most people 
 would have been glad to leave alone. 
 
 If she saw an incipient flirtation, she always thought it 
 her " duty " to caution the parties or their friends ; if Mr. 
 Brown called on Mrs. Green oftener than she thought right, 
 she would think it her duty to inform Mrs. Green's hus- 
 band ; if Doctor Bolus hinted that he thought Miss Martin 
 in a delicate way, she would bundle on her bonnet and 
 shawl, and forthwith assure Miss Martin that she thought 
 it her duty to tell her she was going to die, and advise her 
 to prepare accordingly. 
 
 It would never answer the purpose of any author to 
 allow two such ladies as these to be without the essential 
 requisites of daughters, and we are happy to say that in 
 this instance there is no need of fiction, for Mrs. Flather 
 had her most interesting, well-blown Emma, coming after 
 a couple of sons one at sea, the other ashore, whom we 
 only introduce to dismiss as perfectly intractable in our 
 hands ; while Mrs. Trotter had her Eliza at the head of 
 a graduating scale of little Trotters, ranging from sixteen 
 years to six. Some links had been broken in the chain, 
 but at the time of which we are writing Mrs. Trotter had 
 her six little followers. As, however, there is no occasion 
 to load the reader's mind with people as an omnibus cad 
 does his vehicle, we may here state that Eliza is the only 
 one of the young ones we mean to deal with. 
 
 Emma Flather was of the middle stature, what would be 
 called a good-sized girl, neither too big nor too little, too 
 fat nor too thin, with well-rounded limbs, and altogether 
 a good armfullish sort of figure. She had a fair, clear, 
 alabaster-like complexion, full, oval face, pale and yet not
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 7 
 
 sickly, with light brown hair, well-pencilled eyebrows, 
 darkly-fringed, blueish-greyish eyes, rosy lips, and regular 
 pearly teeth. Perhaps we have hardly done justice to her 
 eyes. In repose they were mild and passionless, lighting 
 up, however, when animated, into a radiance that imparted 
 life and intelligence to a countenance that at other times 
 some perhaps might not have called pretty. Still Emma 
 was never worked into anything like glow or excitement. 
 As some one said of Talleyrand, that you might kick him 
 behind without his countenance betraying a change, so a 
 man might have kissed Emma Flather for half-an-hour 
 without raising a blush on her cheeks. Indeed, she was a 
 fine piece of animated statuary and as cold withal. A 
 provoking sort of girl. Not exactly pretty enough to fall 
 in love with for her looks, and yet dangerous with her 
 looks and blandishments combined. She was desperately 
 enthusiastic ; could assume raptures at the sight of a daisy, 
 or weep o'er the fate of a fly in a slop-basin. Moreover, 
 she had a smattering of accomplishments, could sing, and 
 play, embroider, work worsteds, murder French and Italian, 
 and had a knack of talking and pretending to a great deal 
 more talent than she possessed. This taste for exaggera- 
 tion she carried into other matters ; she had a fine fertile 
 imagination frequently fancied herself a great heiress 
 talked of the beauty of her aunt's place in Dorsetshire 
 insinuated that she was to inherit it, with a vast number 
 of other little self-enhancements, plainly showing that her 
 education had not been neglected. 
 
 Emma was a curious mixture of high-mindedness and 
 meanness of feeling and insensibility. Full of enthusiasm 
 and lofty sentiments compassionate and tender beyond 
 expression when it suited her purpose she was, nevertheless, 
 selfish and insensible to the last degree. Cold, calculating, 
 and cunning, she had all the worldly-mindedness of a well- 
 hackneyed woman of fifty in short, of her mother. As the 
 Frenchman said of his dog, " she was well down to charge," 
 and thoroughly appreciated the difference between an elder 
 son and a younger. She would dismiss the latter at any 
 moment that her mother hinted the probability of any-
 
 8 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 thing better. All this told in her favour, she acquired the 
 character of a model of propriety, and Emma Flather was 
 held up as a pattern girl for all young ladies to imitate. 
 Of course, old mother Flather was extremely anxious to get 
 her married, but not having fallen in with anything exactly 
 to her mind, she had just flown her at minor game and 
 checked her off under pretence of not being able to part 
 with the dear girl. 
 
 Eliza Trotter was of a different nature. She was warm- 
 hearted, but shy and reserved, and so humble-minded as to 
 be always most anxious to give way to any one that would 
 have the kindness to take it of her. And yet she was a 
 beauty tall, slight, and graceful, with a clear olive com- 
 plexion, and the brightest black eyes and hair imaginable. 
 Emma Flather was not to be compared to her in point of 
 looks ; and yet, by sheer assumption, she always passed for 
 something infinitely superior. Age, perhaps, might have 
 something to do with this, aided by a certain patronising 
 air that the model of propriety invariably indulged in to 
 those whom she condescended to notice. She set up for 
 something out of the common way, and assumption does a 
 great deal ! 
 
 We trust the reader comprehends these characters.
 
 ( 9 ) 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 'Ecce iterum Crispinus." 
 Here's old Jorrocks again, as we live ! 
 
 Free Translation. 
 
 *HE sun had sunk behind the distant hills, the 
 whistling ploughman was watering his horses 
 and washing their legs in the pond at the end 
 of the village, and the tired labourers were 
 knocking the clay from their clogs at their rose-entwined 
 porches, preparatory to entering their cottages, when the 
 jingling rattle of a hack-chaise drew all heads to the 
 street. The cobbler dropped his last, the publican his 
 pipe, the basket-maker his willows, and the sempstress 
 her needlework, to look at the destination of so unusual a 
 sound. 
 
 Amid the chalky dust raised by a pair of lumbering 
 jaded posters appeared the outline of a yellow po'-chay, so 
 enveloped in packages as to leave little but the side panels 
 visible. A well-matted package of apple trees covered the 
 roof, a desperately-dusted boy in a glazed hat clutched the 
 pot of a huge scarlet geranium in one arm, and with diffi- 
 culty kept himself on the crossbar with the other, while the 
 pockets of the carriage were occupied with bundles of 
 carnations, convolvuluses, caper bushes, and cornelian cherry 
 trees, completely screening the passengers from view. 
 
 Thus it rolled up the street of Hillingdon, like Birnam 
 Wood on its way to Dunsinane, at the best pace the post- 
 boy could muster to dash up to the Hall door.
 
 io HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 " Veil, thank God, ve're 'ere at last ! " exclaimed a fat, 
 full-limbed, ruddy-faced man, in a nut-brown wig, bounding 
 out of the chaise as soon as the door was opened, cutting 
 off the heads of a whole bunch of roses that had been 
 riding most uncomfortably in the back pocket of his grey 
 zephyr. 
 
 " Oh, Jun, you've done for the roses ! " exclaimed a female 
 voice from the depths of the chaise. 
 
 " Cuss the roses ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, giving the 
 fallen flowers a kick with his foot. " Votever you do, come 
 out o' the chay ! for I'm sick o' the werry sight on it. Here, 
 Batsay, come out, and then your missis 'ill get turned round 
 for vot vith her bastle, and vot vith her flounce, she really 
 is as big as an 'ouse." 
 
 Out then came Batsay, stern foremost, exhibiting the 
 dimensions of a well-turned foot and ankle, and altogether 
 a large, stout, well-proportioned figure. Mr. Jorrocks having 
 eased her of her flower-pot on landing, Batsay gave her 
 dusty, bunchy, black ringlets a shake, and then proceeded 
 to help out her mistress. 
 
 " Now, Binjimin, vot are you a-sittin' perched up there 
 for, like a squirrel in an acorn tree ? " exclaimed Mr. Jor- 
 rocks to the hero in the glazed hat with the geranium- 
 pot in his arm, who still kept his place on the cross-bar. 
 " Don't you see ve're at 'ome, man ? " 
 
 Benjamin would have been very clever if he had, for 
 he had never seen the place before. The boy then descended, 
 and Mrs. Jorrocks, in a stiff, rustling, amber- col cured 
 brocade pelisse, with a crimson velvet bonnet, and black 
 feathers, having being baled out, the old deaf man who 
 had been left in charge of the Hall having fumbled the 
 chain off the door, and got it unlocked, stood, hat in hand, 
 while the party proceeded to unpack the chaise, and carry 
 the luggage into the house. 
 
 " Now, gently with them happle trees ! " exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, as the post-boy prepared to roll them off the 
 roof; " and have a care of the lumbagos (plumbagos) and 
 stockleaved 'ound's tongue, for them are exotics, vot don't
 
 HILLDxGDON HALL. n 
 
 grow in*this country. Paid no end of money for them," 
 added he, in a mutter. 
 
 Out then came box, and bundle, and parcel, and bunches 
 of flowers and moss-tied roots without end ; and all having 
 been carried into the house, Mr. Jorrocks paid the post-boy, 
 and closed the door upon the curiosity of the inhabitants of 
 the village of Hillingdon.
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 " Oli, what a tangled web we weave 
 When first we practise to deceive ! " 
 
 the new Squire's come at last ! " exclaimed 
 Mrs. Flatter, bursting into the room the next 
 morning, where Emma sat patching and tor- 
 turing a piece of muslin under the pretence 
 of embroidering a collar. Confound those collars ! If 
 women only knew how little men appreciate those flimsy, 
 fluttering, butterfly articles of dress, they would surely 
 betake themselves to some more profitable employment. 
 Embroidering a collar! Spoiling a good piece of muslin, 
 we should say ! We never see what is called a " richly 
 worked collar " without thinking how much better it would 
 have been to have got a new one, instead of hiding the 
 blemishes of the old one with wreaths, flowers, spots, dots, 
 caterpillars, and other curiosities. 
 
 But to Mrs. Flather and the Squire. 
 
 " So the new Squire's come at last," was the exclamation 
 of Mrs. Flather, bursting into the room to her daughter ; 
 and as this is to be a regular orderly three-volume work, 
 we may as well describe the locality before we proceed. 
 
 Mrs. Flather's husband, as we have said before, had held 
 the living of Hillingdon, the next presentation to which 
 had been purchased for a youth not yet fully japanned, 
 and by a hokus pokus sort of conjuration, it was now held 
 by another ; and Mrs. Flather occupied the manse until 
 the new owner, James Blake, was ready to take possession. 
 The manse did not stand in " Neighbour Row," in the 
 village of Hillingdon, but occupied a slightly elevated posi-
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 13 
 
 tion about a mile off, giving the occupant a view of the 
 beautifully proportioned church, and spire rising amid the 
 foliage of gigantic trees, without the addition to the pros- 
 pect of the village. The house itself was of the patchworky 
 order of Hillingdon Hall (of course, on a much smaller 
 scale), for it is observable that the same style of archi- 
 tecture pervades certain districts ; and the manse was partly 
 stone, partly stucco, partly covered with slate, partly with 
 pantile, though the latter was of the diamond pattern 
 and subdued colour of the new national duck-house in 
 St. James's Park. Still it was very pretty, particularly 
 at the season we are now describing, when gay party- 
 coloured roses bedecked the lower parts, covering the bare 
 stems and stalks of the more aspiring vines and fragrant 
 honeysuckle, or commingling with the large-leaved ivy or 
 perfumed jessamine, showing every bright variety of hue, 
 and every tint of sober green. 
 
 Altogether, it was a pretty, sentimental-looking spot 
 interesting in itself, but doubly interesting as containing the 
 pattern young lady of the place. It combined all the 
 poetry, without the inconvenience of love in a cottage. 
 
 Now, a third time, we will surely get under weigh. 
 
 " So the new Squire's came at last ! " exclaimed Mrs. 
 Flather to her daughter. 
 
 " Indeed ! " replied Emma, with equal excitement. " How 
 do you know ? " inquired she, laying down her collar, and 
 looking anxiously in her mamma's stupid face. 
 
 " I have it from very good authority," said Mrs. Flather, 
 with an important nod of the head, as she advanced into the 
 room. Fools are always mysterious. 
 
 " Well, but you surely can tell me" observed Emma 
 pettishly. 
 
 "Well, I had it from Jane, who's been down for the 
 milk," said Mrs. Flather, after such a pause as she thought 
 would be a sufficient punishment for her daughter's im- 
 petuosity. 
 
 " And who told her ? " asked Emma after a similar pause, 
 during which she resumed her stitching as though she did 
 not care to hear anything about them.
 
 14 HILLIXGDOtf HALL 
 
 " She saw them," replied Mrs. Flatter. 
 
 " Them ! " observed Emma ; " I thought you said ' The 
 Squire.' " 
 
 " And his wife," added Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Oh, he's married, is he ? " observed Emma, with a 
 sneer. " What lies people do tell," added she angrily after 
 a pause. " Every person has been declaring for the last three 
 weeks that he was a smart, handsome young London gentle- 
 man, and half the girls in the country are ready to set their 
 caps at him." 
 
 " They may save themselves the trouble," observed Mrs. 
 Flather. " He's a regular, steady, old gentleman, in Hessian 
 boots and a brown wig." 
 
 " So" observed Emma, with a look of disappointment : 
 " perhaps he'll have some daughters," added she, thinking 
 to vex her mamma with a little mistimed propriety. 
 
 " Sons would be more to the purpose, I think," replied 
 Mrs. Flather, eyeing her daughter with a half angry glance. 
 
 Emma worked away without the slightest change coming 
 over her alabaster countenance. 
 
 " If there are sons, there'll be no harm in seeing what 
 they are like, you know, Emma, my dear," continued the 
 old lady coaxingly. 
 
 " What, and throw James over ? " inquired Emma, look- 
 ing up. James Blake was the third and present rung in 
 Emma's matrimonial ladder. 
 
 " Ay, but get well on with the new one first, you know ; 
 but I'm sure, my dear, you've so much discretion, that there 
 is no need for me to point out what is right and proper on 
 such an occasion." 
 
 " Poor James ! " observed Emma, looking intently at an 
 ink spot she had just discovered on her white muslin frock. 
 Emma dressed plainly. Her mother prided herself on her 
 daughter having no taste for finery, declaring she never was 
 so happy as when in her little muslin frocks. A very con- 
 venient doctrine for mammas, and very taking with the 
 men. 
 
 "James will soon get over it," continued the affectionate 
 parent ; " but that is very careless of you to ink your frock
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 15 
 
 in that way clean on to-day, too got to serve till 
 Saturday ; but what I was saying was, that no man ever 
 died of love at the same time, I don't wish you to do any- 
 thing hasty or unfeeling James, you know, can always be 
 had keep him in reserve just as you did little Meadows, 
 nothing could be more delicate or lady-like than the way 
 you dropped him. James, no doubt, was a change for the 
 better, just as Meadows was better than Upton. If you can 
 get one* with double James's fortune, why drop him, and so 
 on, always changing for the better if you can, and taking 
 care always to have one to fall back upon. Men are easily 
 managed. They believe things said to themselves that they 
 would laugh to scorn in the case of another. None of them 
 ever suppose any girl can prefer another to themselves ; and 
 if the point of fortune touches them, ridicule riches, say you 
 would rather live with a man you love upon hundreds, than 
 be the mistress of thousands without the endearments of the 
 heart ; in short, my dear, I am sure your fine feelings and 
 sense of duty will prompt you to do what is right." 
 
 " Oh, I'm sure they will, my own dear mamma ! " exclaimed 
 Emma, rising and throwing her arms round her mother's 
 neck, and kissing her profusely, thinking all the time of 
 half a strawberry tart she had left in the dining-room 
 closet, for, reader, if the model of propriety had a passion, 
 we blush (which is more than she would do) to say it was 
 for eating. 
 
 This scene of domestic life was suddenly interrupted 
 by the creaking of the green gate as it swung back on 
 its hinges, causing an involuntary exclamation from Mrs. 
 Flather of " Oh dear, here's that horrid Mrs. Trotter! 
 Eun, Emma, and put on your canary-bird collar." 
 
 " Odious woman, what can she want ? " muttered Mrs. 
 Flather to herself, bustling into the drawing-room, and 
 seating herself on the centre of the ottoman, as though she 
 had been using her best room all the morning. 
 
 " Mrs. Trotter, inarm" announced the man-boy in buttons, 
 and immediately Mrs. Trotter's majestic figure occupied the 
 portal. 
 
 " My dear Mrs. Trotter, I am so delighted to see you ! "
 
 1 6 HILLKs T GDO^ HALL. 
 
 exclaimed Mrs. Flather, jumping up and saluting her with 
 all the empressement in her power. "I hope you leave all 
 at home well." 
 
 " Quite well, thank you," was Mrs. Trotter's comprehen- 
 sive reply, as she threw a rich black lace veil over her 
 drawn silk bonnet, and displayed the healthy glow of her 
 fine features, and the lustre of her large black eyes. 
 
 " And Emma ? " added Mrs. Trotter, looking inquiringly 
 round the room, " how is she ? " 
 
 "Emma's just stepped into the garden to water her 
 flowers," observed Mrs. Flather, casting an eye towards the 
 garden, as she spoke. 
 
 "Dear child," said Mrs. Trotter, "she's so fond of her 
 flowers, it's quite a treat to see her among them," thinking 
 it would be, for she knew Emma cared nothing about them. 
 
 After a few commonplaces about the weather, the clean- 
 liness of the roads, and the dirtiness of the lanes, Emma 
 entered, watering-pot in hand as usual, and Mrs. Flather 
 having arranged her collar behind (which the rose-bushes 
 had somewhat deranged), Emma pretending great impa- 
 tience all the time, she burst into most energetic inquiries 
 after all her sweet young friends at Hillingdon, Eliza in 
 particular. Mrs. Trotter answered in the usual full- 
 measured strain, and then, after a little repetition about 
 the weather and a hit at the rose-bushes, conversation came 
 up short. 
 
 " And have you heard of the new-comers at the Hall ? " 
 at length interrogated Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " No, indeed ! " replied Mrs. Flather ; " you know we 
 never hear anything shut up in this little quiet retreat 
 we feel as if the world was bounded within our gates. 
 Nobody ever tells us anything, and I'm sure I never trouble 
 myself to inquire. It can make little difference to us who 
 comes." 
 
 " Nay, then ! " exclaimed Mrs. Trotter. " I'm sure, now, 
 I'd have thought you'd have liked to have known. How- 
 ever, never mind I dare say you're right, only it would 
 have looked neighbourly to have given them an early 
 welcome."
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 17 
 
 " What, they've come then, have they ? " exclaimed Mrs. 
 Flather, with well-feigned surprise. 
 
 " Come yes surely ! bag and baggage and I've made 
 it my business to ferret out all about them." 
 
 " And what have you learned ? " inquired Mrs. Flather, 
 merging her indifference in her curiosity. 
 
 " Why, I've had a good deal of trouble to make ouc 
 anything, to tell you the truth, for the post-boy that drove 
 them put me on the wrong scent at least, so it would 
 seem, from the information our Thomas got of their servant, 
 whom he met at the public-house, though his story doesn't 
 exactly tally with what our Jane got from their lady's-maid 
 however, I gleaned enough to satisfy myself that their 
 name is Jorrocks, and that they have no family." 
 
 " What, just a couple by themselves," asked Mrs. Flather, 
 with as much indifference as she could muster. "Are they 
 young ? " 
 
 " No, oldish, I should think at least their man says his 
 master's been Lord Mayor, and they don't make Lord Mayors 
 of boys. The maid says her mistress is a Lady Patroness 
 of Almack's, and that they've a grand housej in the city 
 Great Lombard Street, I think and I can tell Miss Emma 
 they are great florists," added Mrs Trotter, turning to the 
 model of propriety, who sat admiring her fine collar. 
 
 " Florists are they ! " repeated Emma, looking up. " I 
 am so glad of that. Oh, how I dote on flowers ! " added 
 she, clasping her hands and turning her fine eyes up to the 
 ceiling. 
 
 " Yes, they brought a great cargo of flowers and trees, 
 and the man-servant says his master is enormously rich, 
 and kept a pack of hounds, and altogether I think we may 
 congratulate ourselves upon the acquisition not that they 
 may perhaps supply the place of poor dear Mr. and Mrs. 
 Westbury but still we might have done a great deal worse, 
 and altogether I think it is a very nice thing, and I shall 
 consider it my duty to pay my respects to them as soon as 
 ever I hear they are in a situation to receive company, and 
 of course you will do the same." 
 
 " Oh, I shall call, of course," replied Mrs. Flather ; " but 
 
 B
 
 1 8 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 not in such a violent hurry," inwardly resolving to be before- 
 hand with Mrs. Trotter if she could, adding, " in a week 
 or ten days' time, perhaps." 
 
 " Well, just as you please about that," replied Mrs. 
 Trotter ; "in the meantime if you have any acquaintance 
 in London^ perhaps you may as well write to them, and see 
 if you can get any further information. I consider it the 
 duty of us mothers to be circumspect." 
 
 " Not for the world ! " exclaimed Mrs. Flather ; " I have 
 no curiosity of that sort. It's enough for me to take care 
 of myself and my poor dear child here without troubling 
 myself about other people's affairs." 
 
 " Well, just as you think right about that ; I like always 
 to know who people are ; indeed, I consider it my duty not 
 that I suppose the Jorrockses are other than highly respect- 
 able, but still as a general rule I mean. But I must be off, 
 for I've got to attend a meeting of the Ladies' Anti-Corn- 
 Law Association, and must pop into Mrs. Barber's to give 
 her a hint that her daughter was walking rather late with 
 young Dodd, the blacksmith, last night ; and that reminds 
 me that our Book Club meeting is to-morrow evening, and 
 I've to distribute the prizes at the Sunday School after that, 
 and write to the secretary of the Shipwrecked Mariners' 
 Society into the bargain ; so now, my dearest Mrs. Flather, 
 good-bye. Emma, my sweetest, good day." 
 
 Thereupon the ladies kissed with all the smackiness of 
 affection. 
 
 " It wouldn't be a bad plan for you and I to pop down 
 to the Hall while that tiresome woman is on her rambles," 
 observed Mrs. Flather to Emma, as soon as she saw Mrs. 
 Trotter clear of the gate. " You could take your watering- 
 pot in your hand, you know, and say, that hearing they 
 have a taste for flowers, you came to offer them the loan 
 of it till their own arrives, or something of that sort." 
 
 " Well, mamma, whatever you think right," replied the 
 willing daughter ; " only let me finish my tart before I go, 
 for I'm very hungry."
 
 HILLIXGDO^ HALL. 19 
 
 " Certainly, my dear, it's always well to eat before you 
 go out, for young ladies should never be seen to indulge ; at 
 least, not to eat as if they were enjoying it. Indeed, that 
 is the only thing I have to find fault with you about; you 
 always eat heartily, as it were, instead of picking and 
 playing with what is set before you. It's all very well at 
 home to stuff and eat, but nothing disgusts men so much 
 as a guzzling girl; so now eat your tart and get a good 
 slice of bread buttered if you like and then wash your 
 mouth out and we will set off."
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 " Down with the bread tax ! " 
 
 COBDEN'S CRY. 
 
 'But times are altered ; trade's unfeeling train 
 Usurp the land and dispossess the swain.' 1 
 
 GOLDSMITH. 
 
 |T was a fortunate day which secured to the Anti- 
 Corn-Law League the services of Mr. William 
 Bowker fortunate to the League, for they 
 gained an able and most unscrupulous coad- 
 iutor ; and fortunate to Mr. William Bowker, for he had just 
 lost the best part of his income by the demise of his old 
 master, the celebrated Mr. Snarle, the great conveyancer of 
 Lincoln's Inn. 
 
 Mr. William Bowker, or Bill, as he was familiarly called, 
 was one of a large class of men about town, who make a 
 very great show upon very slender means. Not that he 
 made any equestrian or vehicular display, but in his person 
 he was a most uncommon swell, gay and gaudy in his 
 colours, glittering in his jewellery (or make believes) faultless 
 in his hat, costly in his linen (or apologies), expensive in 
 his gloves, and shining in his boots. Many a country 
 cousin, and many a one again, has anxiously inquired of his 
 London cicerone " who that smart gentleman was," as Bill 
 has strutted consequentially through the Park on a Sunday, 
 swinging his cane, with the tassels of his Hessian boots tapping 
 the signal of his approach. 
 
 Many a time Mr. Jorrocks and him have passed for lords 
 as they rolled arm in arm through the Zoological or Ken- 
 sington Gardens, haw, haw, hawing, at each other's jokes,
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 21 
 
 looking about at the girls and criticising their feet and 
 ankles. This latter, however, was in short-petticoat times. 
 
 Mr. Bowker was an extraordinary fellow ; over head and 
 ears in debt and difficulties, he was as light and gay as if 
 he hadn't a care in the world. Not a new fashion came out 
 but Bill immediately had it. If a flight of extraordinary 
 neckcloths alighted in the mercers' windows, the next time 
 you met Bill he was sure to have one on. All the rumbus- 
 tical apologies for greatcoats that have inundated the town 
 of late years had their turns on Bill's back. You seldom 
 saw him twice in the same waistcoat. Variable as D'Orsay, 
 and as gay in his colours. Moreover, there was a certain 
 easy nonchalance about Bill, far different to the anxious 
 eyeings and watchings of the generality of " would-be " 
 swells. He would salute a man immeasurably his superior, 
 with perfect familiarity; offer his richly-ornamented gilt snuff- 
 box, or poke him in the ribs with a smile and a wink, that 
 plainly said " You and I have a secret between us." His 
 looks were in his favour rosy and healthy, as though he 
 had never known care or confinement ; with wavy yellow 
 locks, slightly streaked with grey, giving him the license of 
 age over youngsters ; while his jolly corpulency and plummy 
 legs, filling his bright Hessian, boots, had the appearance of 
 belonging to some swell fox-hunter up at Long's or Limmer's, 
 or some of the tiger traps, for what they call a spree rouge 
 et noir, feathers, hot port, Clarence Gardens, and the Quad- 
 rant. 
 
 In the language of the sect, Bill had some breeding in 
 him by a lord, out of a lady's-maid and blood will tell in 
 men as well as horses. Hence, whatever his difficulties, or 
 whatever his situation, Bill always retained the easy com- 
 posure of a well-bred man. His address was good, his 
 manner easy, and his language pure. If fortune had 
 neglected to supply him with the essentials, at all events it 
 had not deprived him of the advantages of birth. He was 
 about the gamest cock with the fewest feathers that ever 
 flew. 
 
 Hundreds will exclaim on reading this sketch, " Lord, I 
 know that man as well as can be ! Have seen him in the
 
 22 HILLINGDOK HALL. 
 
 Park a thousand times ; " and perhaps no one has caused 
 more " Who's that ? " than our friend Mr. Bowker. Indeed, 
 he was a sort of person that you couldn't overlook, any more 
 than you could a peacock in a poultry yard, for there was a 
 strut and a dazzle about him that almost provoked criticism. 
 Of course Bowker was well known to his own set, but what's 
 a man's own set in the great ocean of London society ? 
 Moreover, even in his own set he was an object of admiration, 
 for he was friendly and jocose, and we don't believe there was 
 a man among them but would rather have enhanced Bill's 
 consequence than attempted to lower him by proclaiming 
 him the clerk to a conveyancer, and keeper of a miserable 
 tobacco shop in the miserable purlieus of Bed Lion Square. 
 Our readers, we dare say, will be anxious to know how Bill 
 managed matters. We will tell them. He lived ty his wits. 
 When old Snarle was in full practice, Bill's fees were con- 
 siderable, and in those days he was nothing but the " thorough 
 varmint and the real swell." As soon as Chambers closed, 
 he repaired, full dress, to a theatre, attended a "free and 
 easy," or some convivial society. Here his jolly good 
 humour ensured him a hearty reception, and the landlords 
 of the houses were too happy to hand him anything he 
 called for in return for the amusement he afforded to his 
 customers. He could sing, or he could talk, or he could 
 dance, or he could conjure, lie through thick and thin in 
 short, do everything that's wanted at this sort of place. He 
 was in with the players too, and had the entree of most of the 
 minor theatres about London. At these he might be seen in 
 the front row of the stage boxes, dressed out in imitation of 
 some of the fat swells in the "omnibus," his elbow resting 
 on a huge bamboo, with a large " Dollond " in his primrose- 
 kidded hand. There he was the critic. Not the noisy, 
 boisterous, self-proclaiming claquer, but the gentle irresistible 
 leader, whose soft plaudits brought forth the thunder of the 
 pit and gallery. He had some taste for acting, and we have 
 read some neatish critiques attributed to him in the Morning 
 Herald and Advertiser. This sort of society brought him, 
 of course, a good deal among actresses, and we have heard 
 that several of his "How d'ye do?" great acquaintance
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 23 
 
 arose out of little delicate arrangements that he had the 
 felicity of bringing about. This, however, we don't vouch 
 for ; we will therefore thank our readers not to " quote us " 
 on this point. 
 
 But to the " baccy " shop. 
 
 As fees fell off, Bill set up a snuff and cigar shop, and 
 he who had amused so many, sought for the favours of the 
 fumigating public. But Bill had a great mind. He did not 
 stoop to the humble-mindedness of appearing as a little tobac- 
 conist, but leapt all at once into the station of a merchant, 
 and advertised his miserable domicile as BOWKER & Co.'s 
 WHOLESALE SNUFF AND TOBACCO WAREHOUSE. THE TRADE 
 SUPPLIED. Whether this latter announcement had the effect 
 of keeping off customers people perhaps supposing they 
 could not get less than a waggon-load of baccy at a time 
 or whether Eagle Street is too little of a thoroughfare, or 
 not sufficiently inviting in its appearance, or whether there 
 were too many Bowker & Co.'s in the trade already, we 
 know not ; but certain it is, no wholesale customer ever cast 
 up, and most of the retail ones were what Bill touted himself 
 or were brought by his friends. The situation, we take it, 
 must have been the thing ; not that we mean to say anything 
 unhandsome of Eagle Street, but we cannot account for the 
 bad success of Bowker & Co.'s establishment upon any other 
 grounds than that the neighbouring shops were not attractive, 
 and a good deal of a tobacconist's trade consists of what is 
 called " chance custom." Doors with half-a-dozen bell-pulls 
 in each post, denoting half-a-dozen families in the house, coal 
 and cabbage sheds united, those mysterious, police-inviting 
 bazaars, denominated "marine stores," with milk shops, 
 corn chandlers, furniture warehouses, and pawnbrokers 
 commingled, do not add much to the appearance of any 
 street, and certainly Eagle Street has nothing to lose in the 
 way of attraction. 
 
 Yes, the situation must have been the thing, for if any 
 one will take the trouble of walking through the thorough- 
 fares, and casting their eyes into the brilliantly-illumined 
 " divans," they will see men, without a tithe part of Mr. 
 Bowker's ready wit and humour, handing the cigars over
 
 24 HILLLNGDON HALL. 
 
 the counter as fast as they can fumble them, with women 
 immeasurably Mrs. Bowker's inferior, riveting men with 
 their charms, and sending them away by the score every 
 night with the full conviction that they are desperately in 
 love with them all, and only wanting to get rid of the other 
 chaps to tell them so. That, we take it, is the grand secret 
 of a baccy shop. Keep up the delusion, and you keep up 
 your customers, but then you must have a bumper at start- 
 ing. There's the advantage of a thoroughfare. Fool No. 2 
 sees Fool I smoking and making eyes at a woman, and in 
 he goes to see what she's like. She's equally affable with 
 him, and while both are striving to do the agreeable in 
 comes No. 3 on a like errand 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 legion, 
 in fact, quickly follow, and they all go on eyeing and 
 fumigating, as jealous of each other as ever they can be, 
 until the smoke obscures their vision, and they leave, each 
 with the determination of seeing what they can do single- 
 handed next night. The shop is then established. 
 
 Mrs. Bowker, when Bill set up, was a fine, big, dashing 
 woman, with as good a foot and ankle as any in London. 
 She was then on the stage at the Coburg, but marrying Bill 
 for the purpose of getting off it, he found to his sorrow that 
 she was likely to be a dead weight, instead of an assistance 
 in housekeeping and theatrical society, which it was then 
 his ambition to enter. Still there were her looks a clear 
 Italian complexion, large richly-fringed dark eyes, cork- 
 screwy ringlets, swan-like neck and ample bust ; and what 
 with gaslight, and the tinsel of a theatrical wardrobe, Bill 
 hoped to turn his better half to some account in the way of 
 decoy duck at a cigar shop. Mrs. Bowker, however, took 
 badly to it. She was above it in fact, and instead of sitting 
 to display her charms in the gaslight, she was generally 
 sipping brandy-and-water, and reading greasy novels on a 
 sofa in the back shop. Miss Susan Slummers, her sister, 
 also an actress and a fine handsome girl too, was shortly 
 afterwards added to the family circle ; and certainly, if wit 
 and beauty can command success in the baccy line, Mr. 
 Bowker had every reason to expect it. Still, as we said 
 before, we grieve to say it did not come ; and debt, and
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 25 
 
 duns, and difficulties soon beset Bill's path of life in most 
 alarming profusion. 
 
 Our old friend, Mr. Jorrocks, as kind-hearted and liberal 
 a man as ever stuffed big calves into top-boots, long stood 
 his friend so long, indeed, that the worthy old gentleman 
 had ceased entering Bill's obligations in his books and 
 many people trusted Bill on the strength of the intimacy, 
 who would never have let him into their debt upon the faith 
 of any of his own palaverments. Not that he was a bad 
 hand in that line, but they had had too much of it. In 
 short, Bill was better known than trusted. 
 
 Thus then matters stood at the time of Bill's enlistment 
 in the League. Old Snarle was dead. The dwindling fees 
 were done. To begin brushing coats and cleaning boots for 
 a new man, in hopes of seeing him rise in the profession, 
 was out of the question to a man with Bill's ideas, and at 
 his time of life. The cigar shop did nothing. Mrs. Bowker 
 did a good deal in the brandy-and-water way. House 
 rent was due their first-floor lodger had left them. Gas 
 rent was in arrear water ditto and poors' rate collecting. 
 Income-tax, we needn't say, he was exempt from. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks had retired into the country, and though he 
 had never turned a deaf ear to any of Bill's representations 
 or petitions, still our worthy tobacconist could not help feel- 
 ing that without the aid of the emollient blarney wherewith 
 to pave the way in jolly half-seas-over intimacy, the ominous 
 " no effects " might some day be returned to his epistolatory 
 requisitions, and then what was to become of him ? 
 
 The law and Mr. Commissioner Fonblanque only knew ! 
 
 Having now introduced Mr. Bowker, we will let his 
 correspondence with Mr. Jorrocks speak for his situation 
 and arrangements. 
 
 " EAGLE STREET, EED LION SQUARE. 
 
 " HONOURED SIR, You'll be glad to hear that your old 
 friend Bill has lit on his legs at last. High time he did, 
 for I really think I was never so nearly stumpt in my life. 
 Old Snarle, as you'll have heard, has cut his stick. Poor 
 old bitch ! Yet let it not be as our great master says
 
 26 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " ' the evil that men do lives after them ; 
 
 The good is oft buried with their bones.' 
 
 " Snarle had his faults, and so have we all, but for 
 'parties in a hurry,' there never was a quicker hand at a 
 settlement. May his new settlement be to his liking ! 
 
 "T'other night, as I was sitting in my back shop un- 
 commonly spooney, reflecting on the uncertainty of life, and 
 the certainty of the tax-gatherer calling in the morning, 
 a mysterious big black-whiskered, beetle-browed stranger 
 entered the shop, and asked to have a word with me in 
 private. As soon as we had coalesced behind the scenes, 
 ' Mr. Bowker,' said he, taking off his broad-brimmed hat and 
 gloves, laying them on the table, and sitting down on the 
 sofa, as if he meant to be comfortable. 
 
 " ' You don't know me ? ' 
 
 ' Why, you have the advantage of me,' said I. 
 
 " ' Well,' said he, c I come to advantage you.' 
 
 " ' Glad of it,' said I, adding aside, ' wonder if it's Joseph 
 Ady?' 
 
 " ' You are to be depended upon ? ' said he, after a pause. 
 
 " ' Close as wax,' said I. 
 
 " ' Well then,' said he, ' you have heard of the great 
 National Anti-Corn-Law League ? ' 
 
 " ' I have seen their advertising machine,' said I, ' but I 
 never thought more of it than I should of Tosspot's crockery 
 cart, or Warren's matchless blacking van.' 
 
 " ' I could let you in for a good thing,' observed the 
 stranger musingly. 
 
 " ' Haste me to know it, that I with wings as swift as 
 meditation or the thoughts of love, may jump at it,' ex- 
 claimed I. 
 
 " ' I find thee apt,' rejoined the stranger, rising and ex- 
 tending his right arm, saying 
 
 " ' And duller should'st thou be than the fat weed 
 That roots itself in ease on Lethe's wharf, 
 Would'st thou not stir in this.' 
 
 " ' Oh, my prophetic soul ! my uncle ! ' exclaimed I, inter- 
 rupting him ; ' if it wasn't for that black pow and those
 
 HILLINGDON HALL 27 
 
 d d heavy brows, I'd swear you were my old friend Jack 
 
 Rafferty, late of the Adelphi Theatre.' 
 
 " ' You have me ! ' said he, pulling off the wig and appurts 
 with one hand and grasping my hand with the other. Sure 
 enough, there stood old bald-headed Jack, with his little 
 ferrety eyes peering at me with the great black brows still 
 above them. Having taken these off and put them care- 
 fully in his pocket-book, he again shook hands, and asking 
 for a squeeze of the old comforter, we stirred the fire, put 
 on the kettle, and prepared for hot stopping. 
 
 " ' Bill,' said he, as soon as he had got the brew to his 
 liking, and one of my best Woodvilles in his mouth, ' one 
 good turn deserves another.' 
 
 " ' Undoubtedly,' said I, ' as the tailor observed when he 
 turned the old trousers a second time.' 
 
 " ' Ah ! ' said he, ' you're just the same old cove that ever 
 you were. How are you off for blunt ? ' 
 
 " ' D d badly,' said I ; ' should be glad to join you 
 
 in raising a mortgage on our joint industry.' 
 
 "'Well, never mind,' said he, chuckling, c you did me a 
 good turn when that wicked bailiff, Levy Solomons, came 
 to take me for the butter bill, and I haven't forgotten it. 
 By Jove! I fancy I hear him blobbing into the rain-water 
 tub at this moment. I've seen queer days since then,' 
 added he thoughtfully; 'been all through the Disunited 
 States, Canada, Columbia, and I don't know where, ship- 
 wrecked twice, gaoled thrice, tarred and feathered besides. 
 Hard life a player's, forced to appear merry when we're fit 
 to cry ; however, that's all done I've turned over a new 
 leaf I'm in the respectable line now, and hearing that 
 your occupation in Lincoln's Inn's gone, why I've just 
 stepped in, as Paul Pry would say, to see if I could do 
 anything for you in the respectable line too. You see,' 
 said he, c the way for talented men like us to prosper is to 
 take the folly of the day and work it. I saw this in the 
 nigger times. Lord, if the compensation money had been 
 taken direct from the pockets of the people, instead of 
 passing through the filtering bag of Parliament, it would 
 have been a good workable subject to this day. John Bull
 
 28 HILLINGDO^ HALL. 
 
 is a great jackass a thick-headed fool. Unless you empty 
 his breeches pocket before his face, and say, " Now, John, I 
 take this shilling for the window tax, this for the dog tax, 
 this for gig tax, and this for the nigger tax," you can't 
 make the great muddle-headed beast believe he pays any- 
 thing for the nigger tax, and so by making it a parlia- 
 mentary grant, opposition was lost, and with it as fine a 
 field for enterprise as ever was seen. However, it's no use 
 crying for spilt milk. Go ahead's my motto, as they say 
 in the Disunited States. But to business. 
 
 " ' The new light is the Corn Laws. There's more sense 
 in this than there was in the nigger question, because if 
 you can persuade a man he'll get a fourpenny loaf for two- 
 pence, you show him something to benefit himself, which 
 you couldn't do in the case of the great Bull niggers, that 
 he had never seen or cared to set eyes on. Still John 
 shows his stubbornness, and hangs back as if he thought the 
 Repealers were the only people that would get the four- 
 penny loaf for twopence. It is to rouse the animal, and 
 convince him that for once there is such a thing as pure 
 disinterestedness in the world, that the League is bestirring 
 itself; and now, my old friend Bill,' continued he, 'for the 
 service you did me, by popping the bailiff over head in the 
 tub, I've come to offer to recommend you, as a man of very 
 great talent, eloquence, experience, and I don't know what ; 
 in fact, to supply the vacuum there must necessarily be in 
 the heads of men who are fools enough to subscribe their 
 money to force a benefit on people that they don't want. 
 
 " ' The League is about to enlighten the country north, 
 south, east, and west from the Orkneys to Portsmouth, 
 from Solway Frith to Flamborough Head all are to be 
 visited by men of mettle like ourselves, and if we don't 
 astonish the natives, why my name is not Jack Rafferty.' 
 
 " ' Faith,' said I, ' Jack, I'm not nasty particular, and 
 never was about making money, especially at the present 
 time, for to tell you the truth, I'm as near in Short's 
 Gardens as ever I was in all my life ; but the devil and all 
 is, I know nothing about either corn or the corn laws, and 
 hardly know wheat when I see it.'
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 29 
 
 " ' That's nothing,' said Jack ; ' you've a quick apprehen- 
 sion and a ready tongue lots of jaw and that's what the 
 League want. You'll have plenty of time to study your 
 part, and rehearsals over and over again. Zounds, man, 
 it's the easiest thing in life ! Instead of appearing in one 
 character on Monday, another on Tuesday, a third on Wednes- 
 day, a fourth on Friday, and a fifth on Saturday, and having 
 to study and cram and rehearse for them all, here you have 
 nothing to do but repeat the same old story over and over 
 again, which comes as pat off the lips as a child's church 
 catechism. " Infamous aristocracy " " iniquitous " " ruin- 
 ous starvation" "landlord-supporting tax" "blasted 
 Quarterly " and all that sort of thing. Whatever is wrong, 
 lay it to the corn tax. If a man can't pay his Christmas 
 bills, attribute it to the bread tax ; say the landlords have 
 grabbed a third of his income. Tell the shipowners their 
 interest is ruined by the monopolists nay, you may even 
 try it on with the farmers, and say you verily believe they 
 would be benefited by the abolition of the corn laws ; that 
 you really think our climate and system so superior, that 
 they would drive foreign grain out , of the market, just 
 as our fat Durhams and Devonshires beat Sir Eobert's 
 Tariff fat cattle out of the shambles. In fact, you may 
 say almost anything you like ; and should any one oppose 
 you, you will always be ready with a cut and dried answer, 
 which, with an easy delivery, will put your cleverest unpre- 
 pared arguer quite in the background.' 
 
 " Just then, in came Mrs. B. ' Cleopatra, my dear, here's 
 our old friend, Eafferty,' said I. 
 
 " ' What, Jack ! ' exclaimed she, ' that robbed the treasury 
 at the Adelphi ? ' 
 
 " ' Hush ! ' cried I. ' Jack's respectable. Encore the 
 brandy.' 
 
 " Well, the upshot of it was, that the next day I attended 
 a meeting of the League at the British Hotel, in the best 
 apparel I could muster light blue, buff vest, drab tights, 
 best Hessians, tartan cravat. Joey Hume was in the chair, 
 and as soon as ever I saw that, I determined to be stiff. 
 
 " ' Who have you there, Mr. St. Julien Sinclair ? ' (for
 
 30 HILLINGD03- HALL. 
 
 that is the name Jack goes by) asked Joe, as we advanced 
 to the table. 
 
 " ' Mr. William Bowker,' replied he. 
 
 " ' The same of whom you spoke at our last meeting ? ' 
 inquired Joe. 
 . " ' The same,' answered Mr. St. Julien Sinclair. 
 
 "Jack had primed me pretty well on the road what 
 I should say, in case they examined me ; but I suppose, 
 being well recommended, or knowing it must come to 
 that at last, they thought it better to dispense with all 
 humbug, and having ascertained that I was perfectly dis- 
 engaged, and ready to embark in the cause, they said that 
 the Council of the League had determined to sectionize 
 the kingdom, to enlighten the lower orders on the mon- 
 strous iniquity of the bread tax, and the great advantages 
 of a free trade in corn. That they had been at it for 
 some time without producing much effect, but they had 
 now got a new dodge which they thought would tell. 
 This was, that instead of single-handed lecturers, like 
 Jack Bafferty, going about doing as they liked, and report- 
 ing what they pleased, that the leaders of the League 
 should take the thing in hand, distribute themselves over 
 the land along with ladies and lecturers, and make a 
 regular crusade against the monopolists. Lecturers, it 
 seems, they had not had much difficulty in getting, indeed 
 I should wonder if they had, for eight guineas a week 
 and one's travelling expenses are not picked up every day 
 but the ladies there had been some trouble about. 
 However, as they thought they could not dispense with 
 the influence of the fair sex, they have accommodated matters 
 by hiring a certain number of females who are to take 
 superior characters, just as Jack Rafferty took the part of 
 Mr. St. Julien Sinclair. To each lecturer, therefore, there 
 is to be attached a leader and a lady; and the company 
 are building a lot of Whitechapels, capable of carrying 
 three with their luggage, and we are to be allowed ten 
 shillings a day for a horse to pull them about. There 
 will be suitable devices, with mottoes, such as ' DOWN WITH 
 THE BREAD TAX ! ' ' FOOD FOR THE MILLION,' &c., &c., along
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 3 1 
 
 the sides of the vehicles, which are to be painted sky-blue, 
 with red wheels, picked out with green. They will be 
 labelled behind in statuteable letters 
 
 " ' GKEAT NATIONAL ANTI-CORN-LAW ENLIGHTENMENT CART.' 
 " c FORMS FOR PETITIONS SUPPLIED ! ' 
 
 " I think that is all I've got to say, except that I hope 
 your new purchase is to your liking, and that Mrs. Jorrocks 
 approves of the house as much as she did of her mother's at 
 Tooting. Should there be anything I can do for you in 
 town, pray let me know; and after I leave, Cleopatra or 
 Susan will be glad to do their best for either Mrs. Jorrocks 
 or you, to whom we all beg to present our most respectful 
 compliments, and I have the honour to subscribe myself, 
 Dear sir, your humble and obedient servant, 
 
 "WM. BOWKER, L.G.A.C.L.L.A. 
 
 " Lecturer to the Grand Anti-Corn-Law League 
 Association." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, it seems, had commenced a letter to Mr. 
 Bowker, before the receipt of the foregoing. We give it 
 entire, throwing, as it does, some light upon his opinions 
 and movements. 
 
 "HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " DEAR BILL, We've got here at last, and precious glad 
 I was on it. Tiresome work riding three in a chay two 
 fat women and one's fat self. Not that Batsay's werry 
 crummy ; but there's a good lot on her ; and we had sich 
 a lot o' poleyanthus's -aboard, that I was forced either to 
 squeeze her, or squeeze them. 
 
 " The country is werry different to London ! Lord bless 
 ye ! 'ow small everything looks. Afore we stopped at 
 the first station, I felt I was gettin' out o' my element ; 
 but afore we arrived at the end of the rail, I felt quite 
 flummoxed all bedevilled. Thinks I to myself, 'Now, 
 John, you old jackass, what are you a goin' out o' your own 
 line o' life for, into a land of strangers, with never an
 
 32 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 acquaintance, and all to begin afresh ? Couldn't you have 
 stayed quiet in Great Coram Street, with the run o' the 
 world before you ? ' Then, a little somethin' within whis- 
 pered, ' But you loved the country, John. 'Ampstead 'Eath 
 has always had great attractions for you you love the hair 
 of Greenwich, and Shooter's '111 is dear to your recollection.' 
 ' True,' said I, ' my frind ; and I minds when I started in 
 my prentice prime I loved figs, but I soon found there was 
 sich a thing as getting a surfeit on them.' Howsomever, 
 never mind the country has its charms cheapness for one. 
 Fowls, three shillin's a couple ; a goose with his gizzard 
 and all complete, four and sixpence.' But to proceed with 
 our journey. 
 
 " The further we went, the stupider people got ; and 
 when we were done with the rail and got into a country inn, I 
 think I never saw such a set of stupexes. Instead of half 
 a little finger fatching one a coach, it took me ten minutes 
 to drum into an ostler's 'ead that I wanted a po-chay and 
 pair. dear, then came sixteen miles of dusty roads, sultry 
 weather, and fat women. I shall never forget it. How- 
 somever, we got here at last ; and certainly, though fright- 
 fully retired, the place is pretty. It will take us some time 
 to get all square, for most of the furniture was sold, and 
 there's nothin' in two rooms but images men with beards 
 men without beards some without neckcloths and two 
 naked Wenuses. Folks about are monstrous purlite will 
 lend us anything from a warmin'-pan to a waterin'-pot. 
 We've had some callers women folk chiefly, who seem to 
 be monstrous taken with us. They are a goodish breed o' 
 women hereabouts large, well-grown 'uns, and werry agree- 
 able. Altogether things are better than they threatened to 
 be, but there's a deal o' sameness, and the evenin's are long. 
 Howsomever, I s'pose we shall get used to it, and when I 
 get started farmin' I shall have more to do. I means to 
 take a hundred or a hundred and fifty acres in hand, and 
 try all the new experiments on a liberal scale guano, 
 nitrate o' soder, bone manure, hashes and manure mexed, 
 soot, salt, sand, everything in fact ; shall lector on agricultur, 
 and correspond with the Royal Society, and so on Mr.
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 33 
 
 Jorrocks on buck wheat Mr. Jorrocks on clover Mr. 
 Jorrocks on long 'orns Mr. Jorrocks on short 'orns. 
 
 " I had written this far when your agreeable favour came 
 to hand, and werry 'appy I am to hear of your luck. If the 
 Leaguers have wot they say (.50,000), you are in for a 
 good thing, but I don't believe it I think it will prove like 
 a lady's fortin', or the dirty dandy's shirts, who began to 
 count at twelve and went up to fourteen they may have 
 5000 or 6000, and an o is soon added. I've lived a 
 long time in the world a liberal sixty, let us say and I 
 never found money to be had for axin' certainly not from 
 our party, though I believe the Tory calves bleed sometimes. 
 Howsomever, never mind ; 5000 or 6000 will take a deal 
 o' spendin', and if you manage matters well, you'll get them 
 to make another whip when that's gone. The question is 
 better nor the nigger one in some respects, and worser in 
 others. It is better for the subscribers, because they are 
 adwenturin' their money for summut that may profit them- 
 selves ; but then, on the other hand, it choaks off the 
 whole host of grievance-'unters who are only to be moved 
 by imaginary and inwizible wrongs. 
 
 " In the language of botoney, to which Mrs. Jorrocks is 
 now dewotin' herself, pure philanthrophy is a bush of curious 
 growth. Its tender leaves expand at the pictor of a great 
 naked nigger claspin' his 'ands with ' Am not I your brodder ? ' 
 comin' out of a scroll in his mouth, and yet close at the sight 
 of a needy relation comin' to ax for a little golden hoint- 
 ment. Old women, love-sick damsels, and ringey, ring- 
 lety, guitar-playin' youths, are the great supporters of 
 'umbuggeries of all sorts ; but then it must be a real useless 
 object to enlist their sympathies a subscription for a 
 Sunday-school on the ivory coast, or a communion service 
 for a chapel among the Copper Indians. Bread is too 
 homely a subject. Wot sentiment is there in a great barley 
 loaf? My maid Batsay would be shamed to be seen 
 givin' a yard o' bread to a beggar if there wasn't a great 
 slice o' beef below. There's where I think the Leaguers will 
 be leaked. They can't show a clear case of sheer useless- 
 ness ; but, on the contrary, there are some strong symptoms 
 
 C
 
 34 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 of utilitarian self-interest. Who's to be benefited ? The 
 Leaguers themselves. There's the rub ! Will you get Mrs. 
 Sympathizer Green or Miss Puritana Brown to come down 
 with the mopusses to benefit Cobden and Co. ? I think 
 not. P'raps you'll say the Leaguers don't want their 
 mopusses only their tears. Who are they to be shed for ? 
 The labourin' classes? Not they! The labourin' classes 
 don't want them. Bull, as you say, is a great hobstinate 
 beast, but he has some gumption notwithstandin'. This 
 mornin' I walked up the street of our town, dressin'- gowned 
 and slipper'd a la Margate, just, to appetize a bit afore break- 
 fast, and there I fell in with a man called 'Ercules Strong, 
 a-shovlin' on stones with a spade and a barrow. ' Mornin', 
 'Ercules,' said I. ' Mornin', Squire,' said he. ' Hardish 
 work that,' said I. ' Middlin',' said he, diggin' the pickaxe 
 into the heap. ' Vot do ye get a day ? ' said I. ' Half-a- 
 crown,' said he. ' That's a good deal,' said I. ' Had three 
 shillin' last year,' said he. ' How came they to reduce ye ? ' 
 axed I. ' Things fell in price,' said he, ' and half-a-crown 
 goes as far this year as three shillin' did last/ ' Then the 
 price of labour's regulated by the price o' wittles, is it ? ' 
 axed I. ' Undoubtedly,' said he. 
 
 " Now, supposin' Cobden (who keeps a print-mill, or 
 print-works, or somethin' o' that sort) employs two or three 
 'undred 'Ercules Strongs, it's clearly his interest (on the 
 ' grab-all-I-can ' system) to get the price o' wittles reduced, 
 because then he can get his 'Ercules Strongs so much cheaper, 
 and pocket the difference. Time was when the motto of an 
 English merchant was, ' Live and let live,' but them was anti- 
 quated days. These are the ' get-rich-in-a-hurry ' times. 
 
 " P'raps Cob will say, ' Oh, but then if I get my 'Ercules 
 Strongs at sixpence a day less, I shall be able to let you 
 have my devil's dust goods, or lads, cheaper.' 
 
 " I doesn't believe that either. I mind, when the leather 
 tax was taken off, sayin' to my bootmaker, ' Now, I s'pose I 
 shall get shod cheaper.' 
 
 " ' Why, sir,' said he, ' the fact is, I was jest a-goin' 
 to raise the price o' my boots, so this reduction will enable 
 me to keep them as they were.'
 
 ^ ' If "' *3-'Tf 
 
 '"' 
 
 MR. JORROCKS ACCOSTS HERCULES STRONG.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 35 
 
 " Cob would jest be a-goin' to do the same with his 
 devil's dust bads, I guess. 
 
 " I don't think you can bam the lower orders about bread. 
 The Bull niggers with nothin' but a bishop's apron on, 
 supplicatin' for mercy with chained and uplifted 'ands, aided 
 by Mrs. Sympathizer Green and Miss Puritana Brown, was 
 a fine subject, because there was summut left to the imagi- 
 nation ; and as Tommy Moore or some other popular and 
 poetical gentleman says : ' Disguise thyself as thou wilt, 
 still, slavery ! still thou art a bitter draught ; and though 
 thousands in all ages have been made to drink o' thee, thou 
 art no less bitter on that account.' But a fourpenny loaf 
 sets Apollo and the Muses to flight, jest as Binjimin has 
 set a flock o' crows off my front field. 
 
 " ' Disguise thyself as thou wilt, still, Cobden,' say I, ' still 
 thou art a great 'umbug ; and though thousands may roll 
 into your beggin' bag, the poor will never eat cheaper on 
 that account.' 
 
 " It arn't a bad dodge, but I don't think it'll do. There 
 is no elbow-room for the imagination, and the purpose o' 
 the promoters is too apparent on the face on it. It will 
 require a deal o' sleight o' tongue to make Bully believe 
 you're a-workin' for his good. If I was to adwise the workin' 
 classes, I'd say, f Don't you sign no petition nor nothin' o' the 
 sort, unless your masters will hire you for sivin years sartin 
 at present wages.' Ay, Cobden, wot say ye to that ? In 
 short, this is not a good genuine 'ome-brewed grivance, 
 frothin' up at the bung-'ole of discontent, but a sort of sea- 
 kaley, hothouse, forced thing ; a thing that requires mexin' 
 and stirrin' about with a spoon like a seidlitz pooder. No 
 offence to the lectorers in course, who I'm sure are anything 
 but spoons. 
 
 " But I'm a deviatin' from my text, which ought to be 
 congratilations to you for bein' taken up by the League, 
 instead of denouncin' the 'umbuggery of its ways. In 
 course you, as a traveller o' the concern, will do your best 
 to further its interests and feather your own nest. 
 
 " So shall you better yourself, and secure the everlastin' 
 esteem of Yours to serve, JOHX JORROCKS."
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 " There shall the flocks on thymy pasture stray, 
 And shepherds dance at summer's op'ning day." 
 
 PLEASURES OF HOPE. 
 
 [MALL as Hillingdon appeared after London, and 
 insignificant as were the shops, Mr. Jorrocks 
 soon found that he could get most things he 
 wanted. There were two tailors', three shoe- 
 makers', a milliner's, a straw-bonnet maker's, two inns or 
 public-houses, where they sold grocery, woollen and linen 
 drapery, hats and hardware, or exchanged them with the 
 farmers for poultry, butter, and eggs ; also a beggarly beer- 
 shop, a butcher's, and a bull's-eye or lollypop confectioner's. 
 Besides these, of course there was the doctor's Dr. Claudius 
 Sacker with his white house and green rails, and name 
 properly emblazoned on a bright brass plate, with a " night 
 bell" pull in the doorpost. Most of the cottage property 
 belonged to Mr. Jorrocks ; indeed, the extreme neatness 
 of the buildings, with their old gables, and rose-trees, wood- 
 bine, or ivy creeping up the thatches or stone roofs, or 
 apricot or pear trees nailed against the fronts, plainly 
 bespoke which were included in his purchase and which 
 were the property of other individuals. There was an air 
 of substantiality about all the Westbury now the Jorrocks 
 property. 
 
 Of course it was the interest of the new landlord to 
 encourage his own people, and accordingly Mr. Jorrocks 
 set about giving an order to each. His swell London 
 clothes he soon found to be inconvenient and unsuited to 
 the country ; and in lieu of his fine blue coat and brass 
 buttons, and buff waistcoat, he devised, in conjunction with
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 37 
 
 Tommy Kumfit, his tailor, a new article of dress, which he 
 purposed calling the Jorrockian jacket. 
 
 John Brick, one of the mercantile publicans aforesaid, 
 having imported a piece of the queer-figured cotton velvety* 
 looking stuff that we see ladies making gowns of, Mr 
 Jorrocks determined to adopt it as the material for his dress, 
 and accordingly had the requisite quantity, with trimmings, 
 cut off, and sent to old Eumfit's. The colour, we should 
 observe, was brightish brown, with a fine light sea-weedy 
 sort of pattern shot through indeed, we are not sure but 
 it might have been meant to represent wheat-ears like Sir 
 Eobert Peel's present though the word " free " was not 
 apparent in any part of it. 
 
 Well, this was cut and contrived into something between 
 a jacket of modern and a jerkin of olden times. The collar 
 was a mere hem, turned up ; it did not half cover the nape 
 of his great bull-neck ; Mr. J. was terribly thick about the 
 throat a sad sign of want of breeding. The jacket, or 
 garment, was double-breasted, with slanting pockets on 
 each breast, with very full straight laps meeting, or rather 
 folding over, in front, and reaching about half-way down his 
 thighs. A row of buttons enabled him to fasten them in 
 front. In each lap-front were two tiers of diagonal pockets, 
 the pocket-mouths for holes would ill describe their 
 proportions being edged with nut-brown velvet, and the 
 upper-storey ones a size or two smaller than the lower. In 
 these he purposed carrying his hands, halfpence, and trifles 
 of that sort ; while the lower ones were for his handkerchief, 
 hand-saw, books, and other bulky articles. The back of 
 the garment presented a most extraordinary aspect. There 
 were no buttons at the waist, nor indeed anything to denote 
 where the small of his back would have been if small he 
 had had any but just about his girth the garment swelled 
 out as if inflated. Two downward folds, indeed, there were, 
 and a line of buttons up the middle, as if the laps were 
 buttoned together, but this was all deception or rather 
 attempt at deception for it was apparent to the commonest 
 observer that the garment was of a piece all round. Such 
 * " Peel " or Ancoat Vale velvet.
 
 38 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 it was, however, and being made entirely out of Mr. 
 Jorrocks's own head, of course let him have the credit of it ; 
 and such of our readers as think it becoming, we dare say 
 are at liberty to copy it as he has not yet gone to the 
 expense of a patent. The waistcoat was of the same 
 material, with large flaps without any pockets ; and his 
 lower man was clad in drab stockingette tights and Hessian 
 boots. A green neckcloth, a woolly white hat, turned up 
 with green, and a knotty little dog-whip, completed his 
 costume. Eumfit and he thought it extremely fine, and 
 altogether a very good job. 
 
 Thus attired, Mr. Jorrocks mounted a most imperturbable 
 old Roman-nosed, dock-tailed black cob that he had picked 
 up cheap in the village, and rode about surveying his estate, 
 looking at pigs and cows and sheep, asking foolish 
 questions, and talking a great deal of nonsense about 
 farming. Thanks, however, to the veneration in which 
 townspeople, above all Londoners, are held in the country, 
 the rustics thought some new lights must be breaking in the 
 husbandry horizon never imagining for a moment that the 
 owner of so fine an estate, with such a fine open countenance 
 of his own, knew nothing whatever of what he was talking 
 about. 
 
 Among the cottagers he did well enough, for he had 
 plenty of small-talk for the old women how many 
 daughters they had ? who they married ? how many 
 children each had ? how many were bowys, and how many 
 gals ? where they got their cat ? whether she was a good 
 mouser ? how the oven baked ? if their water-tubs were full, 
 how much they held ? what they gave for their pig ? how 
 they were off for soap ? and other little family inquiries. 
 
 Never was such an estate as Mr. Jorrocks expected he 
 had taken possession of, for, in addition to all the tenants 
 being described as most opulent and respectable, Mark 
 Heavytail, the largest, who farmed what was called the 
 " pet farm," was stated by the rural Robins who " did" the 
 printed particulars, to be a man of such respectability and 
 independence of character, as to be above asking or accept- 
 ing a reduction of rent. Glorious man ! There was a
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 39 
 
 tenant ! Mark was a fine specimen of an English yeoman, 
 six feet high, large and stout in proportion, with a great, 
 round, nearly bald head, grey eyes, snub nose, and ample chin. 
 His usual costume was a snuff-brown coat at least when 
 he sported any coat, for it was oftener on a hedge than on his 
 back a striped toilenette waistcoat, broad patent cords, and 
 grey worsted stockings and thick shoes. The pet farm lying 
 round a hillside, and the house being on the top of it, Mark 
 had the wind first hand, and, either from that cause or from 
 having a voice a size too large for his body, Mark always 
 roared as if he was holloaing to a man at the mainmast of 
 a man-of-war in a gale of wind. One of Mr. Jorrocks's 
 earliest visits was to the pet farm, and though he might 
 not, like Miss Waithman,* expect to find all the shepherds 
 with pipes and crooks, or smartly clad dairymaids with 
 cows and syllabubs under the trees, he certainly expected a 
 different reception to what he met with from Mark. Having 
 kicked his pursy pony up the hill, he sat mopping the 
 perspiration from his brow, and looking down upon the 
 village of Hillingdon, with the silvery Dart winding its 
 tortuous course through a wide expanse of rugged picturesque 
 country, when Mark, who was busy cutting hay in his stack- 
 yard, seeing a stranger, who he concluded was the " Squire," 
 put on his coat and proceeded to meet him. 
 
 "GOOD MORNIN', SIR," roared Mark, as soon as he got 
 within fifty yards of Mr. Jorrocks. " STOP, LET ME OPEN 
 THE GATE FOR YOU;" and Mr. Jorrocks, thinking Mark 
 was deaf, pitched his voice in the same key. The follow- 
 ing dialogue then took place, each bellowing as loud as 
 he possibly could. 
 
 " GLAD TO SEE YE AMONG us," roared Mark, taking off 
 his hat as Mr. Jorrocks neared the gate. 
 
 * Theodore Hook used to take great liberties with this lady in the " John 
 Bull." Transplanting her into Hertfordshire from the shawl-shop in Fleet 
 Street, he represented her as encountering a shepherd with his crook, and 
 saying in exultation at the realization of her dreams of rural felicity, "But, 
 shepherd, where's your pipe ? " 
 
 "Please, marm, I harn't got no baccy," was the reply.
 
 40 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 "THANK YE, MY GOOD FRIND," replied Mr. Jorrocks; 
 
 " WERRY 'APPY TO MAKE YOUR PERSONAL ACQUAINTANCE. 
 YOU'VE A WERRY NICE FARM HERE ; DOIN' WELL, I 'OPE&" 
 
 " WANTS A DEAL OF DOIN' TO," replied Mark. 
 
 "THEN VY DON'T YOU DO IT ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " BECAUSE IT ARN'T MINE," responded Mark. 
 
 " THEN WHO'S TO DO IT ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " You, TO BE SURE ! " replied Mark, louder than ever. 
 
 " ME ! " responded Mr. Jorrocks. " MY VIG ! WHY, THEY 
 
 TOLD ME THE FARM WAS PERFECTION ; " adding aloud to 
 
 himself, "There must be some mistake here; this can't 
 be the 'pet farm.'" "PRAY, MY GOOD MAN, VERE DOES 
 MR. 'EAVYTAIL LIVE ? MR. JORROCKS'S 'EAVYTAIL, IN FACT ? " 
 inquired he, after a moment's reflection. 
 
 " HERE," roared Mark ; " MY NAME'S HEAVYTAIL." 
 
 " Indeed ! Veil, I thought so ; but some'ow your account 
 don't tally with the auctioneer's description of the pet 
 farm." 
 
 "I KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT AUCTIONEERS," roared Mark, 
 " BUT I KNOW OUR BACK KITCHEN 'ILL BE DOWN THIS BACK 
 END IF THERE ISN'T SOMETHIN' DONE TO HER; AND THERE'S 
 NO KEEPIN' THE CATTLE STRAIGHT FOR WANT OF A NEW BIER." 
 
 " Veil, but I'm a buyer," replied Mr. Jorrocks ; " vot is 
 it you've got to sell ? " 
 
 " SELL ! WHY, THERE'S NO PRICES TO GET FOR NOTHIN'. 
 DOWN CORN, DOWN HORN! WE'RE ALL BEGGAR'D ; NOTHIN' 
 FOR US BUT THE ONION (UNION) ; YE CAN NEVER KEEP UP 
 
 YOUR RENTS." 
 
 " My vig ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, adding aloud to 
 himself, "if this is the crack tenant, I vender wot the 
 rest'll be like." 
 
 "THE VEAT'S A-LOOKIN' WELL," observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 after a pause, anxious to get Mark off the grievances 
 Mr. J. looking back on a field he had passed in coming 
 up the hill. 
 
 " THAT'S BARLEY," roared Mark. " I WISHES THE WHEAT 
 WAS LOOKIN' WELL. PRAY, JUST RIDE THIS WAY AND SEE 
 IT, AND THEN SAY IF IT'S POSSIBLE AT PRESENT PRICES TO 
 KEEP UP PRESENT RENTS."
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 41 
 
 " Veil, but the clover's a good crop," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, not noticing Mark's invitation. 
 
 " The old land hasn't a ton an acre on it. The land's 
 all sour wants draining." 
 
 " Faith, I thinks the land's not the only sour thing on the 
 premises," observed Mr. Jorrocks aloud to himself. 
 
 "WILL YE BE PLEASED TO STEP THIS WAY AND LOOK 
 AT OUR BACK KITCHEN ? " bellowed Mark, after a pause ; 
 " AND REALLY I THINK THE DAIRY'LL HAVE TO BE BUILT 
 NEW FROM THE GROUND, FOR THE WET COMES TUMBLIN 5 IN 
 BY BUCKETFULS FROM ALL QUARTERS." 
 
 " So much the better," roared Mr. Jorrocks ; " it'll save 
 you the trouble of pampin' into the milk. The Islinton 
 folks always say the Hack cow is the best." 
 
 " AY, THAT'S VARRY TRUE," rejoined Mark, " OUR PUMP'S 
 
 ALL GONE WRONG, TOO NOT BEEN A DROP OF WATER COME 
 FROM HER THIS FORTNIGHT." 
 
 " Oh dear ! oh dear ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, " you 
 seem to be all gone wrong together a bundle o' grivances. 
 If grumblin' makes a good farmer, you certainlie ought 
 to be classed Ai. Good mornin', good mornin'," added he, 
 turning his sluggish cob's head downwards as he spoke, 
 and giving it a good double-thonging as he went. 
 
 " BUT YE'LL SURELY COME AND SEE THE BACK KITCHEN ! " 
 roared Mark. " I DECLARE IT'S NEVER NO USE " 
 
 " IT'S NEVER NO USE BOTHERS' ME ! " screamed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 kicking the cob and double-thonging the harder to get out 
 of hearing, adding to himself as he went ; " I'm dashed if 
 ever I see'd sich a perfect 'urricane of a man. Pet farm, 
 indeed ! My vig ! reg'lar spoilt child, I declare ! Come 
 hup, you hugly beast," to the cob, " come up, and get me 
 out o' hearin'." 
 
 And with the word away they went down the hill, a deal 
 faster then they came up, the whip, and the cob's nose 
 being turned towards home, giving an additional impetus 
 to his movements.
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 ' Neighbour, you are tedious." SHAKESPEARE. 
 
 ^EUELLY disturbed as Mr. Jorrocks had been 
 by his interview with Mark Heavytail, he had 
 scarcely recovered his usual equanimity before 
 he encountered another tenant who again 
 upset his philosophy. This was Johnny Wopstraw, a civil 
 but very concise man ; and if there is one more provoking 
 thing than another, it is encountering a slow pragmatical 
 matter-of-fact man when one is in a regular state of com- 
 bustion. "Wopstraw was a big, broad-shouldered, broad- 
 faced, sensible, respectable man, but slow in his judgment, 
 and cautious in his utterance. Moreover, he had a provoking 
 way of lengthening each sentence by the unnecessary intro- 
 duction of the phrase of " upon the whole," the word whole 
 being pronounced as if there were a couple of " h's " and 
 two or three " o's " in it. He was busy in the field, but 
 seeing the new Squire, he left his work, and introduced 
 himself in the usual way by opening a gate. 
 
 "Thank ye, my frind," said Mr. Jorrocks as he approached ; 
 adding, as he looked over the hedge into the next field, 
 " You've a fine crop o' barley there." 
 
 " That's wheat," replied Wopstraw, taking off his hat ; 
 " upon the who-ole it's tolerable fair. The low end isn't so 
 good as the high, though." 
 
 " Humph," grunted Mr. Jorrocks, " these corn crops 
 rather bother my vig. And vot do you think o' things in 
 general ? " asked he. 
 
 This was a fine comprehensive question, and just the last 

 
 HILLLXGDOX HALL. 43 
 
 one that ought to have been hazarded to Wopstraw, for it 
 was sure to last him till nightfall. 
 
 " Why, upon the who-ole," he began, " things are down, 
 and I fear they'll keep so. Upon the who-ole, I think Sir 
 Robert was wrong in meddlin' with us farmers. We were 
 doin' pretty well upon the who-ole just managin' to scratch 
 on, at least and then he came and knocked the very wind 
 out of our bodies. Upon the who-ole I " 
 
 " Veil, but 'ave you got ever a bal (bull) to sell ? " inter- 
 rupted Mr. Jorrocks, anxious to turn the conversation, and 
 save himself a political lecture. " I vants a bal, o' the pure 
 Devonshire sort, to give these foreignerin' chaps a quiltin'. 
 It be'oves us to be awake wide awake I may say, sharp 
 as Durham mustard and to drain and dust our land with 
 hashes and bone manure, nitrate o' sober, and all that sort 
 o' stuff. The farmers here seem a long way behind the 
 hintelligence o' the day." 
 
 " Why, now," replied Wopstraw, scratching his head, 
 and reconsidering all Mr. Jorrocks had said, so as to begin 
 answering at the right end " Why, now, as to a bull, I 
 doesn't know of one that, upon the who-ole, I can recommend. 
 Dick Grumbleton at Hawkstone has one, but he's of the 
 Herefordshire sort ; besides which, upon the who-ole, I don't 
 suppose Dick wants to part with him." 
 
 " Veil, never mind, then," said Mr. Jorrocks, anxious to 
 be off. 
 
 " As to drainin'," continued Wopstraw, without noticing 
 Mr. Jorrocks's interruption, " upon the who-ole, I should say 
 it's the foundation of all agricultural improvement. It's like 
 the foundation of a house, and unless that's sound it's no 
 use." 
 
 " Then you don't know of a Idl to suit me ? " rejoined Mr. 
 Jorrocks, catching impatiently at the cob's head, double- 
 thonging and digging his heel into its side, riding off, and 
 muttering something about " Tiresome chap slow-coach 
 bothersome beggar," and other little censurable epithets. 
 
 In truth, Mr. Jorrocks found a great difference between 
 London and country people. Bred in City, where his life 
 had been passed, and where " time is money," the contrast
 
 44 H1LLIXGDOX HALL 
 
 between its quickness and the slowness of the country was 
 strikingly visible. No smartness, no quickness, no question 
 answered before asked, everything seemed to lag and drag 
 its weary way on to-day the same as yesterday, to-morrow 
 as the day before. Ever-varying nature supplies the charms 
 of artificial change, but he that cannot read that book had 
 better remain behind the counter. Yet how many are there 
 panting to repeat Mr. Jorrocks's mistake ! 
 
 " Hackneyed in business, wearied at that oar, 
 Which thousands, once fast chained to, quit no more, 
 But which, when life at ebb runs weak and low, 
 All wish, or seem to wish, they could forego ; 
 The statesman, lawyer, merchant, man of trade, 
 Pants for the refuge of some rural shade." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks soon found he was more at home at the 
 Shades at London Bridge or Leicester Square than in the 
 shades of Hillingdon. It was clear he had a deal to learn. 
 Impressed with the conviction that he was too shrewd to 
 be cheated, and country people too honest to attempt it, he 
 made several very moderate bargains both in the matter of 
 cattle and corn, though the prices were so much lower than 
 in London, that he prided himself upon being very clever, 
 just as Englishmen think they " do " the French when they 
 get five-and-twenty francs some odd sous for a sovereign. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks's jobbing and dealing brought him ac- 
 quainted with another gentleman whom we will at once 
 introduce to the reader. 
 
 Joshua Sneakington was a sort of man to be found in 
 most places a country mischief-maker, a kind of village 
 lawyer a better hand at talking than working. Tall in 
 person, with long thinnish grey locks scattered over a finely 
 shaped head, with a marked and expressive countenance, 
 high forehead, grey eyes, Roman nose, slightly compressed 
 mouth, and trimly kept whiskers and chin, there was an 
 air of respectability about Joshua, which, aided by a low- 
 crowned, broad-brimmed hat, a well-brushed coat, and the 
 unusual appendage of a pair of gloves, bespoke him a 
 remove or so from the common herd. Gloves are very 
 unusual wear in the country the exciseman and Joshua
 
 IIILLIXGDOX HALL. 45 
 
 were about the only people that sported them, except on a 
 Sunday ; and even on a Sunday they were rare country 
 people don't feel at home in them. Joshua was precise and 
 methodical in his manner, thoughtful in his looks, puritanical 
 in his conversation, and apparently profound in his calcu- 
 lations. He was a native of Hillingdon, a mason by trade, 
 and his misfortune was having been cast in so contracted a 
 circle, for he had all the ingredients of a great rogue, and 
 only wanted room to exercise his talents. As it was, he 
 had cheated everybody, and set the whole parish by the 
 ears long before he had reached the age of fifty. Joshua 
 was in very bad odour among his own craft, for though a 
 neat workman, and also a good judge of work, he always 
 preferred picking holes in other people's to doing any 
 himself. He was plausible and subtle, and his communica- 
 tions were always so close and confidential that they were 
 of little use to his employers, and only served the purpose 
 of transferring his own delinquencies to the shoulders of 
 other people. All this comes out in time in the country, 
 where a bad name is a serious inconvenience to the bearer. 
 
 The appearance of a fresh fly in the spider's web at a 
 time it was almost deserted, was as great a godsend to 
 Joshua as the Anti-Corn-Law League summons was to Mr. 
 William Bowker. Not that we mean to compare Joshua 
 to Bill in point of respectability, for Bill was immeasurably 
 Joshua's superior, inasmuch as he would have been honest 
 if he could, while Joshua's natural inclinations were for 
 roguery and underhandedness. Bill was a fine, bold, daring, 
 dashing sort of fellow, while the other was a mean cir- 
 cumventing animal, that would rather carry his points by 
 stealth and undermining than by honesty and straight- 
 forwardness. 
 
 Knowing the advantage of early applications, as well for 
 the purpose of securing success, as of warding off hostile 
 admonition, Joshua very soon contrived to come in contact 
 with Mr. Jorrocks. He knew everything Mr. J. would 
 want, and by anticipating this, pointing out that, and 
 recommending t'other, he soon convinced our worthy friend 
 that he was a " monstrous clever fellow," and might be
 
 46 HILLLNGDOX HALL. 
 
 extremely useful to him. Indeed, an honest man of this 
 description would have been very much so, for Mr. Jorrocks, 
 as we have already said, was superlatively ignorant of 
 country affairs, and landed property is not quite so 
 manageable as money in the funds. But the worst of 
 Joshua was, he persuaded Mr. Jorrocks that all the people 
 about him were rogues. This even he didn't do openly. 
 He looked grave and solemn, and shook his head, when 
 Mr. Jorrocks talked of employing any one he didn't approve 
 of hinted they were not quite the thing, that he knew 
 some one much better suited, or that they were not first- 
 rate workmen. Among the villagers Joshua announced 
 himself as Mr. Jorrocks's confidential adviser, hinted that 
 Mr. J. would not do anything without his advice, and told 
 them they had better make all their applications through 
 him. Joshua jumped all at once into a great man, and 
 paraded Mr. Jorrocks about the town just as a young lady 
 does a newly caught lover. Then it was, " Sneak " this, 
 and " Sneak " that, and " You must talk to Sneak about 
 it," until Joshua seemed likely to eclipse even the renowned 
 Benjamin Brady himself.
 
 ( 47 ) 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 " What ! is the jay more precious than the lark, 
 Because his feathers are more beautiful ? 
 Or is the adder better than the eel, 
 Because his painted skin contents the eye ? " 
 
 TAMING OF THE SHREW. 
 
 as it may seem, Mrs. Jorrocks got on better 
 at first in the country than her husband. 
 Whether this was attributable to her earlier 
 rural recreations at her mother's at Tooting 
 who occupied one of those summaries of London felicity, a 
 paled box containing a pond, a weeping willow, a row of 
 laburnums and lilacs scattered about or that she found 
 herself of more consequence in the village " Hall " than she 
 did in Great Coram Street, we know not ; but certain it is, 
 she took to it much more naturally than our worthy ex- 
 grocer himself, who made a very bungling piece of business 
 of the early days of his squireship. 
 
 To be sure, Mrs. Jorrocks jumped all at once into active 
 pursuits, furnishing and arranging her house the like by 
 the garden and greenhouse. She was at it all day, pull- 
 ing about carpets, wheeling sofas, doing the becoming by 
 tables and chairs, smelling and tying up geraniums, rowing 
 the gardener, and nailing and training up rose-trees, wood- 
 bine, and ivy. Weeds too were plentiful, and Emma 
 Flather and she always had their hands full of something. 
 Mrs. Flather, though she could not exactly reconcile the 
 Jorrocks's manners and ideas with those of their prede- 
 cessors, saw, nevertheless, that they were very moneyed 
 people, and coming from London the place in her mystified 
 imagination of universal gentility she was inclined to think
 
 48 HILLLXGDOX HALL. 
 
 the Jorrockses must be the newest fashion, and that the 
 Westburys belonged to a somewhat antiquated day. At 
 all events, she had no doubt the Jorrockses were a desirable 
 acquaintance, and day after day the model of propriety was 
 seen wending her way, watering-pot in hand, to the village 
 Hall. 
 
 Mrs. Flather thought it "so nice" that there was no 
 young man in the way, so that their disinterested attentions - 
 could not be misconstrued, charging Emma all the time to 
 find out whether there were any nephews, or who the money 
 was likely to go to. Emma was an apt scholar, and even 
 began clipping the Queen's English and taking liberties 
 with her vowels, either from contagion or for the sake of 
 flattering her new friends. " Imitation," says Lacon, " is 
 the sincerest flattery." 
 
 Joshua Sneakington, too, set up a somewhat similar 
 dialect, and talked to Jorrocks about 'osses, and 'edges, and 
 'eifers (heifers), and 'ouses, and 'arrowing, and 'oeing, and 
 all sorts of 'usbandry. 
 
 Indeed, if it hadn't been that Joshua was rayther too keen, 
 having laid so long out of a victim, he would have been 
 quite an acquisition to Mr. Jorrocks at this period, for he 
 knew all the ins and outs of the country, and where to lay 
 hands on everything Mr. Jorrocks wanted. 
 
 The hundred or hundred and fifty acres that Mr. Jorrocks 
 threatened taking in hand, ot course, was not yet available, 
 the tedious process of half-yearly noticing and out-going 
 cropping having to be gone through with a greater part of 
 it. This, perhaps, was what made Mr. Jorrocks settle less 
 readily than his amiable and accomplished spouse. 
 
 One of the old wainscoted rooms, that we described as the 
 parlour of the original old house, was taken by Mrs. Jorrocks 
 for her 'boudoir. Not that it came up to her idea of what a 
 boudoir ought to be, but it was conveniently situated for the 
 kitchen ; added to which, she had an eye to the other for a 
 storeroom. Neither were its fittings- np at all to her taste, 
 but these she thought she could rectify. She had the old 
 richly carved stone mantelpiece painted black and yellow, in 
 imitation of marble. The sun, the moon, and all the stars
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 49 
 
 were made to accommodate themselves in the various compart- 
 ments of the deeply mullioned, richly corniced ceiling, the 
 ground of which was done cerulean blue ; and the gloomi- 
 ness of one side of the oak-wainscoted walls she purposed 
 relieving by all the prints out of " Jun's " Sporting Maga- 
 zines, while the other was to exhibit a triumph of industry 
 in the shape of a papering of old postage-stamps, done in 
 stripes of twopenny blues and penny reds. This of course 
 was to be a work of time, the completion of which depended 
 a good deal upon the kindness of her friends, to whom she 
 applied most assiduously for contributions. Many of them 
 wondered what she meant by writing to ask them to " save 
 their old heads for her." The Gothic oak door, with its 
 massive wrought-iron bands and knocker, did not please her 
 either. She had the bands and knocker taken off; invisible 
 hinges supplied the place of the former ; and a smart brass 
 bell-pull appeared in the door-post instead of the noisy old 
 knocker. The door itself also underwent two or three coats 
 of paint, and shone forth in highly varnished imitation of 
 either mahogany or rosewood : altogether, the old girl made 
 quite a revolution. Out of doors she was equally energetic. 
 The village school, which so long had prospered under the 
 fostering care of the late owners of the Hall, came in for a 
 large share of her attentions. This, however, was not con- 
 ducted in accordance with her ideas of how things should be ; 
 the mop caps and russet brown stuffs of the girls did not 
 meet her approbation, any more than did the corduroys and 
 woollen caps of the boys meet Mr. Jorrocks's. Mr. J. had 
 an idea that the dress had a good deal to do with their 
 learning, and always contended that there were no \>ouys half 
 so cute as those of the red jackets and leather breeches of 
 Islington. It was there, we believe, he got his treasure, the 
 renowned " Binjimin " Brady. 
 
 Mrs. Jorrocks's chief objection to the girls' dresses was 
 the dowdyness of them. " No style, no smartness, you see," 
 said she to Mrs. Trimmer, the mistress, after she had got 
 her first visit or two over ; " it costs nothin' more havin' them 
 a good colour, and the clothes decently made, than these 
 queer, flat, trollopy-lookin' things," running her parasol down 
 
 D
 
 50 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 a girl's back as she spoke " nothin' personal, in course," 
 added she, " to the lady wot does the genteel novels, but a 
 little smartness and fillin' out doesn't do young folks no harm 
 sky-blue now, I should say, would be werry neat, with 
 plenty of flowers or sea-green, or laylack, or lavender, or 
 red, anything in fact better than these dismal-lookin' browns. 
 And as to their learnin' spellin', and cyphering and sewin' 
 is all werry well ; but I'd teach them a little of the genteels 
 braidin' and ornamental sewin' satin stitch ; worsted 
 work too is werry much in wogue." 
 
 Poor Mrs. Trimmer didn't know what to make of it all ; 
 but of course she concluded the fine London lady knew 
 what was right. 
 
 Mrs. Jorrocks was very much bothered about the girls' 
 dresses, and many were the consultations Emma Flather and 
 she held on the subject. Emma, however, had had no 
 experience in these matters, never having seen any other 
 school of the sort, and her taste for clothes not descending 
 below silks, satins, and muslins. In this emergency, Mrs. 
 Jorrocks bethought of applying to Mr. Bowker's sister-in- 
 law, Susan, whose theatrical knowledge and taste combined 
 had aided her on former emergencies, and she thought would 
 help her to something smart. Accordingly she wrote her 
 the following epistle : 
 
 " Mrs. Jorrocks's complaments Miss Slummers, and mam, 
 I'll thank you to see what you can do for me in the 
 way of dressin' my school-girls, as they have at present a 
 very flat, trollopey, dowdey sort of look ; Mrs. Jorrocks 
 does not approve of too much finery for girls, thinkin' it 
 likely to lead their minds astray from the cultiwation of 
 intelligent vays, particular from their reverence and duty 
 to their superiors in every station of life ; but I think, 
 without goin' to any great expense, somethin' smart might 
 be hit upon, that would be neat and not costly or gaudy, 
 and set off their figures a little better to adwantage. 
 
 " Mrs. Jorrocks will, therefore, thank you to see what 
 you can do for her. 
 
 " HILLIXGDOX HALL, HILLINGDON.
 
 IIILLIXGDOX HALL. 51 
 
 Susan and Mrs. Bowker had a long consultation on the 
 subject of this letter; both had a taste for finery, but how 
 to apply it to the exigencies of a country school was rather 
 beyond their ingenuity, besides which they knew Mrs. 
 Jorrocks wanted to cut a cheap dash. All the charity 
 schools in London and the environs were examined for ideas, 
 but they were all more in the check, than in the fan, vanity 
 style. Susan's attention was then turned to stage costume ; 
 all the characters she had appeared in were canvassed, 
 and at length, all things considered, she determined upon 
 recommending a Swiss costume. Her reasons will be best 
 gathered by a perusal of her letter. 
 
 " KESPECTED MADAM, I have the honour to acknowledge 
 the receipt of your letter, and in conjunction with my sister, 
 have given your wants my best consideration. I have in- 
 spected the dresses of all, or nearly all the scholastic estab- 
 lishments in London and the neighbourhood, but find they 
 all have a tendency to the disfigurement, rather than a 
 development of the person. The colours vary greatly, and 
 the articles of dress slightly differ, but in no one that I have 
 seen is there the slightest attempt at fashion or elegance. 
 At Kensal Green, they have sky-blue gowns, white caps, 
 capes and sleeves, with yellow stockings ; but the girls are 
 one uniform breadth from the shoulders to the heels. At 
 Clapham Eise, they have Lincoln green, with blue stockings ; 
 at Peckham, tartans, with tartan stockings ; at Balham Hill, 
 scarlet, with green stockings, and yellow worsted shawls ; 
 at Pimlico, orange, with orange stockings ; at Parson's Green 
 they are red all over ; and at Turnham Green, all grey. 
 
 " The result of my examinations and inquiries has been, 
 that though there is a great deal of strong showy material 
 used for dresses at some of these schools, they all seem to 
 have been chosen with a view to extraordinary and incon- 
 gruous effect something to startle and surprise, rather than 
 to please and allure. It may have been the taste of the day 
 in which they were founded, but they have certainly out- 
 lived the fashion very considerably. Under these circum- 
 stances I turned my attention to other countries, first and
 
 5 2 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 foremost among which stand the Swiss for originality and 
 variety of female costume. They are an out-of-door people, 
 and though cleanliness and sewing is very properly incul- 
 cated in schools, yet the main object in patronizing them 
 being to make a show through streets up to church, I con- 
 ceived we could not do better than attempt a modification 
 of a becoming Swiss dress. These, as you doubtless know 
 (having seen many on the stage) are various, particularly 
 the head-dress. In one Canton (Appenzell) they wear black 
 caps like butterflies' wings stuck on their heads, while the 
 rest of the dress partakes a good deal of that of an English 
 housemaid short sleeves and long petticoats bodice lacing 
 in front. The Lucernoise are richer and more foreign 
 large flat hats, hair in two long plaits down the back, white 
 collars, with large frills, purple dresses, trimmed with orange, 
 with a square of orange and red let in at the back of the 
 waist, white stockings, and an infinity of chains, beads, and 
 crosses, on a richly embroidered waist of purple velvet and 
 black. This, however, I think, would hardly do, save for 
 the monitors or head-girls of the school, besides which it has 
 the fault which all Swiss dresses have indeed of extreme 
 flatness and want of tornure. I therefore merely describe 
 this dress in case richness and costliness should be what you 
 want. What I would respectfully recommend, would be the 
 costume of the Canton d'Ury. This is a large flat-crowned 
 straw hat, with a wreath of ribbon round the crown, the 
 bonnet placed becomingly on the back of the head. A 
 white sort of bed-gown, well open at the bosom, reaching a 
 little below the waist, with a scarlet petticoat and pink 
 stockings. This, confined at the waist, and well set off 
 with horse-hair petticoats, or even bustles, would have a very 
 stylish, dashing effect, and should you ever think of giving 
 a fite champStre, or any little rural entertainment of that 
 sort, girls dressed in that way might be exceedingly useful 
 and ornamental to the scene. A few lessons in dancing 
 would enable them to go through a figure or two while the 
 servants were laying the table ; or if the entertainment 
 wanted varying after dinner, you might have them in to 
 perform. Again, they might be useful in handing about tea
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 53 
 
 or cakes ; and altogether the appearance of so many retainers 
 would have the effect of adding consequence to the mansion, 
 and, of course, to the mistress. 
 
 " Should this suggestion meet your approbation, it will 
 afford me very sincere pleasure to assist in carrying it into 
 effect, and your instructions shall be promptly attended to. 
 My brother and sister unite with me in most respectful 
 compliments to Mr. Jorrocks and yourself, and I have the 
 honour to remain, madam, your most obedient and very 
 humble servant, " SUSAN SLUMMEBS. 
 
 "EAGLE STREET, 
 EED LION SQUARE, LONDON." 
 
 Mrs. Jorrocks was charmed at the idea ! She thought it 
 was " the werry cleverest hit that ever was made, combinin' 
 the ornamental with the useful ; " and she wrote to Susan 
 Slummers to get her estimates and proposals for furnishing 
 the requisite quantity of stuff and stockings, also for finding 
 and upholding for twelve months a certain number of horse- 
 hair bustles. The latter was put in competition through 
 the medium of the advertising columns of the Times news- 
 paper in the shape of the following announcement : 
 
 " HORSE-HAIR BUSTLES. 
 
 " To be let, the finding, maintaining, and repairing for 
 twelve months certain, five dozen best horse-hair bustles of 
 different sizes, which, with all other particulars, may be had 
 on application to Miss Clarissa Howard, at BOWKER & Co.'s 
 wholesale and retail snuff and tobacco warehouse, Eagle 
 Street, Red Lion Square. 
 
 " N.B. Just arrived, a large consignment of real havan- 
 nahs. Tobacco and fancy snuffs in the greatest variety. 
 The trade supplied." 
 
 The schoolhouse underwent an alteration as well as the 
 inmates. This was a modern building of the lattice-window 
 cottage order, entered by a porch, leading into a passage on 
 one side of which was the schoolroom, and on the other the
 
 54 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 master aud mistress's apartment. Its outward appearance 
 bespoke what it was ; and as there was no fear of the little 
 girls getting to the wrong house by mistake, the owner had 
 never thought it necessary to put up an inscription either 
 stating that it was a school, or that it was meant to educate 
 so many children, or even that it was built by so and so in 
 such a year. Things were now about to be done as they 
 ought. Under the auspices of Joshua Sneakington, a tablet 
 was prepared for erection over the door, stating that Mrs. 
 Jorrocks was the foundress, &c. &c., and in order that all 
 things might start together it was arranged that the tablet 
 should be put up on the Saturday night preceding the 
 Sunday on which the " merry Swiss girls " were to parade 
 for the first time in long drawn line up to church. Then, 
 as the village bells rang gaily on a balmy summer's morning, 
 Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks were seen repairing arm in arm 
 " full fig " with Binjimin with his hands full of prayer-books 
 behind them, to see the grand effect of the new dresses and 
 inscriptions, and walk alongside the children to church ; out 
 the children came, hand in hand, the little ones first, with 
 their great umbrella hats and enormous bustles, each couple 
 laughing at those on before, Mrs. Jorrocks admiring the 
 effect of the scarlet and white, and Mr. Jorrocks spelling 
 aloud to himself the over-true inscription Joshua Sneaking- 
 ton's hurry had caused to be stuck over the door. 
 
 THIS 
 SCHOOL WAS FOUNDER' D 
 
 BY 
 
 JULIA JORROCKS, 
 THE TRULY PIOUS AND BENEVOLENT 
 
 LADY 
 
 OF THIS MANOR. 
 ANNO DOMINI 184 .
 
 55 ) 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 " Some country girl, scarce to a curt'sey bred, 
 Would I much rather than Cornelia wed; 
 If supercilious, haughty, proud, and vain, 
 She brought her father's triumphs in her train." 
 
 hero's shire, like most counties and shires, 
 was divided into Whig and Tory, whereof the 
 Whigs had rather the advantage, owing, per- 
 haps, to the influence of the Lord Lieutenant, 
 who favoured the former politics, and had the usual making 
 of great men, in the shape of magistrates, deputy-lieutenants, 
 and, perhaps, excisemen. Still the Tories ran them close, 
 and every vote was of importance. The late Mr. Westbury, 
 like most right-thinking men, was a Whig, and great anxiety 
 was felt in high quarters as to what the politics of his 
 successor might be. The Lord Lieutenant aforesaid to 
 wit, the Duke of Donkey ton was a muddle-headed, garru- 
 lous old Whig liberal, levelling, and mankind-loving out 
 of doors exclusive, and a bit of a bashaw within. " The 
 greatest good for the greatest number ! civil and religious 
 liberty ! equality ! freedom of the press ! " and all that sort of 
 thing sort of man. 
 
 The period of which we are now writing was one of 
 great importance to his Grace, inasmuch as the hope of his 
 house the young Marquis of Bray had just attained 
 his majority, and Parliament had shown certain unhealthy 
 symptoms, indicating, in the opinion of the physicians (Peel, 
 Goss, and Co.), no distant dissolution. These considerations 
 made the Duke come down a peg or two in his greatness, 
 and mix rather more with the commonalty, not but that he 
 knew of all that was going on in the country, for every
 
 56 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 great man has his toady his Joshua Sneakington to supply 
 him with tittle-tattle and gossip, but the Duke thought it 
 prudent to unbend a little. Accordingly, the Duchess 
 began carding, and the Duke began dining, all the likely 
 birds in the district. Of course the Tory party turned up 
 their noses, wondered " that so-and-so would let themselves 
 be made cats'-paws of" observing that "it was quite 
 evident what the Duke and Duchess were after ; " " they 
 wouldn't allow themselves to be made a convenience of," 
 and with such like declarations, patiently waited to be called 
 upon by the leaders of their own party. 
 
 It was with great pleasure the Duke heard that Mr. 
 Jorrocks was a Whig, for what with his farms and what 
 with his shops, he could carry as many as fifteen or 
 sixteen votes to the poll. The consequence was, that not 
 many weeks after Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks's arrival, a dark 
 claret coach, the wheels picked out in red, with four horses, 
 and postillions in scarlet, and two outriders in dark grey, 
 drew up at the old porch of Hillingdon Hall, much to the 
 astonishment of Binjimin and Batsay, who stood staring at 
 two richly embossed and glazed cards, one bearing the title 
 of " The Duke of Donkeyton, Donkeyton Castle," the other 
 that of "The Duchess of Donkeyton, Donkeyton Castle," 
 until the coroneted coach and its contents had whisked 
 clean out of sight. It so happened that Mr. Jorrocks, on 
 that day, had gone with Joshua Sneakington to look at a 
 "bal," about ten miles off; and Mrs. Jorrocks and Emma 
 had been sent for suddenly, to quell an insurrection in the 
 school, arising out of the unpopularity of the new costume. 
 Mrs. Jorrocks was sadly distressed at being out, for in 
 addition to natural curiosity, Mrs. Trotter had the impudence 
 to assert that the coach contained his Grace's gentleman, 
 and her Grace's maid ; but Mrs. Trotter having once mistaken 
 these personages for the Duke and Duchess, it was just as 
 likely she might mistake the Duke and Duchess for these 
 personages, especially in a large family coach with the 
 windows up. Be that as it may, however, the coach had 
 been there, as the cards could testify. 
 
 Great was Mr. Jorrocks's astonishment when he saw them.
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL 
 
 57 
 
 " Veil, he thought he never know'd sich a thing in his 
 life called on by a duke ! wonders would never cease." 
 Then he summoned Binjimin to know how it all was. 
 " Veil, Binjimin," said he, jingling a load of keys and 
 halfpence in the upper storey of the Jorrockian jacket, 
 " tell us all about it now vot did you see ? " 
 
 " Vy," said Binjimin, wiping his nose across the back 
 of his hand, "I vas a scrubbin' and polishin' for 'ard life 
 at your Sunday 'essians, ven all of a sudden there came 
 such a peal at the bell that I thought some waggabone had 
 run away with our new pull ; accordin' I throws down the 
 boot, and, seizin' the big vip, ran as 'ard as ever I could, 
 'oping for to catch them. Veil, I opens the door, and 
 crikey, there stood a man, for all the world, like Jack the 
 Giant-killer, dressed in a short coat, leather breeches, and 
 top-boots, with a cockade in his 'at, and a precious long 
 vip in his 'and just like one of them great, long, lazy, 
 'ulking London Johnnies, wot we used to see about the 
 warst end, only a deal bigger, and a coach with sich a 
 sight of 'osses in it, that I think the leaders' 'eads were at 
 the far end of our town. Just like the Lord Mayor's state 
 boobey hutch, only there wasn't no men in harmour about 
 it, or fools in wigs inside. Veil, I was so flummox'd at 
 comin' out with a vip to sich an assortment, that I dare say 
 the Johnny might have been 'ollerin' to me till now to 
 know if you were at 'ome, if Batsay hadn't come and ex- 
 plained that you were away lookin' arter a bull, but her 
 missus was up at the seminary, and she would run for her ; 
 whereupon the great sarcy Johnny, with his up-turned nose, 
 jest shoved the two cards into her 'and, and the coach 
 and all the party were off and bowlin' away out of sight 
 afore one could say Jack Robinson." 
 
 " My vig ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks in astonishment at 
 the honour. 
 
 The first blow was speedily followed up by another. 
 
 Ere the Jorrockses had fully digested the compliment, and 
 settled the order of march for returning the visit, an 
 enormous card larger than one of these pages arrived, 
 done up in a richly gilt and figured cover, sealed with a
 
 58 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 prodigious seal containing the coronet, crests, arms, and 
 supporters of the Donkeyton family. 
 
 The card was not less gorgeous. Under a canopy formed 
 by a ducal coronet, surrounded by a glittering halo, a richly 
 coloured royal party sat at a sumptuously spread table ; 
 stars and feathers and orders abounding, while the word 
 " BANQUET," in gilt letters below, denoted the nature of the 
 entertainment, and prepared the receiver for the invitation 
 which followed. Thus it ran, or rather thus it was filled 
 up, the names of the inviters and words of course being 
 printed in gilt letters : 
 
 " The Duke and Duchess of Donkeyton request the honour 
 of Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks s company to dine and stay all 
 night on Tuesday the 2 1st of July. " R. S. V. P. 
 
 "DoxKEYTON CASTLE." 
 
 There was a go ! 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks was staggered, and Mrs. Jorrocks dumb- 
 founded. They thought it must be a hoax. The idea of 
 them, whose most aristocratic acquaintance was old Lady 
 Jingle, at Margate, jumping all at once over the heads of 
 baronets, baron lords (as the late lamented Sam Spring 
 used to call them), earls, and marquises, and arriving by 
 one flying leap at a dukedom, was altogether incredible. 
 Couldn't be the case. Must be some mistake. Perhaps a 
 trick of the boys at Dr. Rodwell's academy, who had always 
 been a nuisance to the neighbourhood, as Joshua Sneak- 
 ington avowed. But then the coach and horses and cards ; 
 there was no hoax in them, for both Batsay and Binjimin 
 saw them, as well as every man, woman, and child in the 
 village. No, it must be right. The Duke was a farmer, 
 and had heard of Mr. Jorrocks's fame ; the Duchess was 
 a florist, and had heard of Mrs. J.'s garden. Thus each 
 settled the matter to their own satisfaction. 
 
 " Honour too ! " observed Mrs. Jorrocks, looking again at 
 the card, " calling it an honour the Duke and Duchess of 
 Donkeyton requesting the honour of Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks's 
 company."
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 59 
 
 " R. S. We. P., too," observed Mr. Jorrocks, taking the 
 glittering pasteboard out of the mistress's hand. " Wot 
 can that mean, I wonder ? R. S. We. P. I have it 1 
 Remember six werry punctual. So ve vill ! Six o'clock 
 and no waitin' I hates waitin' for my dinner." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, being the penman of the house, having 
 deliberately unlocked his great brass-bound mahogany 
 writing-desk, and drawn forth a sheet of the best superfine 
 double-wove satin post, thus proceeded to answer the in- 
 vitation in a good round old-fashioned hand. 
 
 "Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks have the honour of accepting 
 the Duke and Duchess of Donkeyton's inwitation to dinner 
 at six o'clock on Tu " 
 
 " Ah, but Jun," said Mrs. J., when he had got thus far, 
 " are you sure you're right about the hour ? " 
 
 " No doubt ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks ; " vot else can it 
 mean ? " 
 
 " Vy, S. may stand for seven," replied Mrs. Jorrocks, " as 
 well as six. Remember seven werry punctual." 
 
 " So it may ! " exclaimed Mr. J., throwing down his 
 pen, and sticking out his legs like a man regularly floored. 
 " Confound these hieroglyphicks. Shall be makin' a hass 
 of myself. Jest like my friend Christopher's clerk, who, 
 when the chap left his P. P. C. card for his master, would 
 have it was a horder for wine, and forthwith despatched 
 a cart with a pipe o' port and , claret. Veil, it's one thing 
 to be green, and another to show it," so saying Mr. Jorrocks 
 tore up the note and wrote another, saying " Mr. and Mrs. 
 Jorrocks would do themselves the honour of dining and 
 staying all night at Donkeyton Castle," and let the R. S. V. P. 
 part alone. 
 
 News of this sort doesn't keep. In less than an hour 
 after receipt of the card, Mrs. Jorrocks was seen turning 
 out of the Hall in her Sunday hat and shawl, and wending 
 her way " up street," taking the chance of who she might 
 fall in with. As luck would have it, Mrs. Trotter was 
 coming " down," and they met opposite the pond. 
 
 " Ow dey do's ? " " charmin' weather, &c," being ex- 
 changed, and Mrs. J. having no place in particular to go
 
 60 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 to, joined Mrs. Trotter, who was on her way to a district 
 meeting of the Samaritan Society, just for the pleasure of 
 a little of her company that fine day. Mrs. J. very soon 
 broached the subject of the invitation. " Could Mrs. Trotter 
 tell her 'ow far it was to Donkeyton Castle ? " 
 
 " That she could, for she had been there once, and hoped 
 never to be again : it was just fourteen miles." 
 
 Mrs. Jorrocks was rather dumbfounded, for she had never 
 met any one high enough up the ladder to be able to sneer 
 at a lord, let alone a duke. 
 
 Mrs. Trotter, seeing Mrs. Jorrocks's embarrassment, 
 kindly undertook to raise her that she might have the 
 pleasure of knocking her down again. 
 
 "And so they were going to Donkeyton Castle, were 
 they ? She had heard the Duke's break had been in the 
 town a few days back." 
 
 " It was the Duke's coach and six," observed Mrs. Jorrocks 
 "the Duke and Duchess were callin' on Mr. Jorrocks 
 and me ; and now they've sent to ax us to stay." 
 
 " Sooner you than me," observed Mrs. Trotter. " I 
 always pity anybody I hear going there but, however, 
 don't let me prejudice you against it" so saying, having 
 reached the door of the meeting-house, Mrs. Trotter bid 
 Mrs. J. a good morning, and turned in. 
 
 " Jealous, I guess ! " muttered Mrs. J. to herself 
 " howsomever, she'll not put me out o' conceit on't sour 
 grapes, I guess, as Jun would say." 
 
 Nothing daunted by Mrs. Trotter's snarlishness, Mrs. 
 Jorrocks wended her way to the Manse, where she found 
 the model of propriety and her mamma in full conclave 
 on the very subject that caused them the honour of her 
 visit. On the parlour table lay a duplicate " banquet 
 card ; " and Miss Emma and her mamma were in full 
 discussion as " to what it meant" not that they were 
 puzzled about the R. S. V. P. or anything of that sort, 
 but in the enlarged womanish sense of the term, they 
 wanted to know what it " meant" And here we may 
 observe that we believe it to be a well-established fact that 
 every young lady, and many young ladies' mammas, consider
 
 HILLIXGDOff HALL. 61 
 
 at the outset of life that they are destined for duchesses. 
 The model of propriety and the model's mamma were dis- 
 cussing the meaning of the card at the moment. Their 
 argument was this The Duke of Donkeyton and Mr. 
 Flather were intimate because Mr. Flather was a Whig, and 
 Whig parsons are scarce. Moreover, a parson, Whig or 
 Tory, is a sort of a necessary appendage at a great man's 
 table. Then, in addition, Mr. Flather was a man whose 
 judgment was looked up to, and even dukes are sometimes 
 better for a little guidance. Mrs. Flather therefore satis- 
 factorily settled why Mr. Flather and she had been guests 
 at Donkeyton Castle, but then came the question why her 
 daughter and she should be invited now that there were 
 neither politics nor guidance to get in the way of return. 
 The thought seemed to strike them simultaneously. " My 
 dear, dear child ! " exclaimed Mrs. Flather, kissing her 
 daughter profusely. " Oh ! mamma, if I should ! " exclaimed 
 Emma, as a slight tinge of pink passed across her alabaster 
 countenance, like a fleeting cloud before the moon. 
 
 Just then in came Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 It were needless following these old girls through their 
 open congratulations and hidden disappointments at find- 
 ing each other invited, for, of course, each expected to have 
 the " crow : " suffice it to say, they thought it prudent to 
 coalesce, and see what could be done in the way of mutual 
 accommodation. 
 
 As to rivalry, Mrs. Flather had nothing to fear from the 
 Jorrockses being invited indeed, she told Emma, all things 
 considered, she didn't know but it was better that they 
 should, for it looked less marked and particular than asking 
 them alone ; and if the Marquis's attentions were not palat- 
 able to her, it would prevent his feelings being hurt by its 
 bruiting abroad ; an overture of that sort being a thing no 
 woman ever thinks of mentioning. 
 
 Fully impressed with the conviction that the Duke and 
 Duchess of Donkeyton had determined on perpetuating their 
 line through the medium of some artless, guileless, unsophis- 
 ticated country nymph such a one as described in our 
 motto after the manner of divers well-authenticated greasy
 
 62 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 novel couples, Mrs. Flather (who was obliging enough to 
 believe us ladies and gentlemen who lie upon paper called 
 authors) most magnanimously ordered her daughter such a 
 rig-out as she thought becoming for the next taker of the 
 title. Not that she went to Youillon and Lawrie, or any 
 of the accredited dispensers of fashionable feathers and fur- 
 belows, but she expended some pounds in the purchase of a 
 piece of uncommonly good blue silk for a morning dress ; 
 which with the aid of Mrs. Smith, the village sempstress, 
 was made to display the fine swelling figure of the new 
 marchioness to great advantage. Nay, more, it imparted a 
 shade of colouring to her eyes, and made them quite blue. 
 A Leghorn bonnet, lined with blue crape, and a white 
 feather tipped with the same colour, did the business, and 
 made the model perfectly killing. Give Emma her due, she 
 was a fine girl straight as a milk-maid, fine drooping 
 shoulders (which she exposed so much when dressed as to 
 make bystanders fear she might be enacting Mrs. Eve), 
 splendid bust, tolerably small waist, and good feet and 
 ankles. 
 
 Before starting with Emma Flather on her new matri- 
 monial speculation, it may be well " to advertise the reader," 
 as the old writers used to say, as to her past and present 
 position. We have already intimated that she was then in 
 the third step of her matrimonial ladder, in the person of 
 James Blake. The previous ones it is immaterial to mention, 
 further than to say, that Mrs. Flather had made each believe 
 her daughter was desperately smitten with them both, but 
 that a sudden reaction had taken place on finding that 
 neither had anything to live upon. It is wonderful how 
 many people achieve the feat of living upon nothing. 
 James Blake was differently situated, for Mrs. Flather had 
 the advantage of knowing the exact minimum at all events 
 of his fortune. He had been in the dangerous position of a 
 pupil to Mr. Flather, who had been in the habit of putting 
 the finishing touch to young gentlemen before going to 
 College, and Emma and James had been sort of school- 
 fellow playfellows dangerous situation for a young man, 
 especially an orphan as he was. Well, on Mr. Westbury's
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 63 
 
 death, as we said before, tke next presentation of the living 
 had been purchased for James ; and the period of his taking 
 possession drawing nigh, and nothing better having presented 
 itself, Mrs. Flather had fully settled in her own mind that 
 it would be much better both for him and her daughter to 
 marry, and then they could all live together, and she could 
 keep things in order, and save them and herself a world of 
 trouble. 
 
 In this arrangement Mrs. Flather did not contemplate 
 any difficulty, for James had lived with them long enough 
 for her to know that he was easily led, especially by such a 
 charming conductress as her daughter. Indeed, wiser men 
 than he might have willingly surrendered themselves to such 
 prepossessing guidance. James was not very bright, how- 
 ever, partaking rather of the nature of what is called soft. 
 Just the sort of youth for Mrs. Flather to have to deal with, 
 she being what the Yorkshire people call both soft and hard. 
 Few are so stupid as not to know their own interest. To 
 look at James, though, you would have thought he was wise 
 he was a good-looking young man tallish, with a lofty 
 forehead, bright brown eyes, Eoman nose, and altogether 
 with what ought to have been an expressive sort of counte- 
 nance only it had no exact expression. Still he was what 
 would be called a gentlemanly-looking young fellow ; particu- 
 larly in the country, where the half- buck, half- hawbuck 
 order preponderate. 
 
 Our readers perhaps will say, " Why, you make both 
 James and Emma rather of the negative order." Perhaps 
 we do however, we can't help it, so there's an end of the 
 chapter.
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 Thou know'st how guileless first I met thy flame, 
 When Love approached me under Friendship's name ; 
 My fancy formed thee of angelic kind, 
 Some emanation of the ' All-beauteous Mind, ' 
 Those smiling eyes, attempering every ray, 
 Shone sweetly lambent with celestial day. 
 Guiltless I gazed ; Heaven listen'd while you sung ; 
 And truths divine came mended from that tongue. 
 From lips like those what precept fail'd to move ? 
 Too soon they taught me 'twas no sin to love : 
 Back through the paths of pleasing sense I ran, 
 Nor wish'd an angel whom I lov'd a man." 
 
 'HE preparations for the visit to Donkey ton Castle 
 occupied the attention of Mrs. Jorrocks and 
 Mrs. Flather most uninterruptedly. The rose 
 bushes and flowers were left to train and look 
 after themselves, and the household department received 
 little attention. Silks, satins, and sarcenets usurped the 
 place of card -tables, carpets, and counterpanes. Mrs. 
 Jorrocks had a new dress made for the occasion an 
 amber -coloured brocade, with large bunches of scarlet 
 geraniums scattered about, and flounces three-quarters of 
 the way up her middle. Her bonnet was white chip, with 
 an amber- coloured feather tipped with scarlet, above a 
 Madonna-shaped front, plastered down each side of her 
 forehead " Mutton, dressed lamb fashion," as Mr. Jorrocks 
 observed. 
 
 Mrs. Flather was equally assiduous more so if possible 
 having higher and more important objects in view. 
 Many were the tryings on, and alterings of, Emma's dress 
 a little fulness here, a little tightness there, a little
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 65 
 
 pinching in the arm, and a little puffing elsewhere. She 
 was regularly fitted out for conquest. Many were the 
 confidential dialogues held between mother and daughter, 
 as to Emma's proceedings, after she had captured the 
 coronet. How she should ride in a coach and six, how 
 she should call on Mrs. Trotter, how she should appear at 
 Court, and how condescending she should be. Poor James 
 Blake was shelved, or seldom mentioned, save as a dernier 
 resort. 
 
 Emma's appetite was the only thing Mrs. Flather feared. 
 Men she knew marquises she imagined in particular dis- 
 liked guzzling girls ; and she was most anxious that Emma 
 should appear a pure ethereal being a sort of compound of 
 love, sentiment, and omelette soufflee. 
 
 "I think, my dear, it will be well to take a little bit of 
 something to eat with you," observed Mrs. Flather to the 
 model of propriety as they sat in solemn conclave on the 
 oft-discussed and all-important visit, " and then you can 
 trifle and play with your dinner, and be able to give your 
 undivided attention to whoever happens to sit next you. 
 A great deal may be done at a dinner-table, especially 
 when people are hungry. Suppose we tell Jane to bake you 
 a few buns, and then you can eat some before breakfast 
 as well?" 
 
 " Oh yes, mamma, and let her put some currants in them," 
 replied the embryo Marchioness. 
 
 "Pshaw, you. and your currants," observed Mrs. Flather 
 snappishly, " I wish for once you'd give up thinking of 
 eating, and turn your attention to something else consider 
 what a prospect you have before you : " with which admoni- 
 tion Mrs. Flather left the room to look after buns and other 
 matters. 
 
 The getting to Donkeyton was the next consideration. 
 Mr. Jorrocks swore no power on airth should induce him to 
 ride three in a po-chay again ; and having imported his 
 valuable old rattle-trap fire-engine vehicle, he settled in his 
 own mind that the old Roman-nosed cob should go in it, 
 and convey Mrs. Jorrocks and himself in front, with Binjimin 
 and Batsay stuck up behind. The weather was fine ; the 

 
 66 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 roads were good ; the cob was strong, and what was to 
 hinder them ? Mrs. Jorrocks, however, was the one to 
 hinder them. " She'd jest as soon think o' flyin' as goin' to 
 Donkeyton Castle in a hamber-coloured dress in a one-'oss 
 chay. Wot ! when the Duke and Duchess had come in a 
 chaise and six ! She'd rather not go at all, than not go as 
 she ouglitr Mr. J. was quite willing to let her stay at home. 
 However, there were two to one against Mr. J. there ; three 
 indeed, Mrs. J., Mrs. Flather, and Emma. These cases 
 generally end in a compromise, and so did this. 
 
 Mrs. Jorrocks of course wanted to get herself there in 
 good order without the derangement to dress and com- 
 plexion consequent upon sultry weather and dusty roads. 
 Mrs. Flather wanted to get Emma there in like manner, 
 and, moreover, would rather ride with Mr. Jorrocks than his 
 wife, so they arranged to hire one of those forlorn attempts 
 at gentility a coachmaker's job carriage with a " neat and 
 careful driver," from the neighbouring town of Sellborough, 
 to which we shall by-and-by have the pleasure of introduc- 
 ing our readers. Between this and the old lire-engine the 
 following distribution of parties was made : Mrs. Jorrocks 
 and Emma inside, with Batsay and Mrs. Flather's boy in 
 buttons on the box, and Mr. Jorrocks, Mrs. Flather, and 
 Binjimin in Mr. Jorrocks's old rattle-trap. Mr. J. wanted 
 to argue that there would be too many for the' cob, and 
 thought it would look better for Batsay to go inside, and 
 Binjimin and the boy in buttons to occupy the box of the 
 l'ob-chaise ; but Mrs. Jorrocks indignantly spurned the idea, 
 and stopped the argument by asking how he could have the 
 imperence to say that, when he had proposed taking her, 
 Batsay, Binjimin and all. Poor Mr. J. was posed. 
 
 The important morn dawned a lovely summer's day. 
 The sun rose clear and bright. The sky was of azure blue, 
 scarce a cloud obscured the heavens, nor did a breath of 
 wind disturb the leaves. But for the bustle of packing and 
 arranging, with the fear of forgetting, it would have been 
 a day of enjoyment. Mrs. Jorrocks's knuckles got sadly 
 reddened before she had done. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks took it " werry easy." The Jorrockian
 
 HILLLNGDO:N T HALL. 67 
 
 jacket being still in high favour, of course he sported that 
 with drab tights, and Hessian boots. His shave had been 
 accomplished with extra care, and a neat sea-green cravat 
 supported his jolly chin. He got a little help from Binjimin 
 that morning, and the old cob would have gone without his 
 corn but for the timely services of Mr. J. Tiresome work 
 these sort of "jaunts." What with preparing, lounging about 
 waiting for the right time, so as to nick the proper hour for 
 arriving, and, above all, getting a lot of women with their 
 goods under weigh there is no doing anything ; and unless 
 a man has a letter back, or something in his pocket whereon 
 to vent his mind in the shape of an article for a paper or 
 magazine, he's sure to blow up his wife, or the maid. " Now, 
 are you ready ? CWfound it, you're always late ! Didn't I 
 tell you so ? Lauk, what a woman you are ! Now, where's 
 your bag ? D n the bags ! Do come away. We shall 
 never get there. Wish I'd refused the invitation. Never 
 go again, however." 
 
 The job-chaise a terribly dirty, drab-lined old green, 
 with greasy red leather cushions and back was despatched 
 to the Manse to import Emma and her mamma, and after 
 keeping Mr. Jorrocks dancing about at the door with the 
 white reins of the old cob in his hand a good half-hour, 
 it at last hove in sight, buns and all, and Mr. Jorrocks 
 having moved the fire-engine on a pace or two, it presently 
 drew up at the door. The model of propriety really looked 
 beautiful. It's wonderful what miracles dress accomplishes. 
 We have seen girls who were really quite plain, expand into 
 beauties under the hands of a good milliner. " Expand " 
 we may well say, for they generally make them look about 
 half as big again as they are. Emma, as the reader may 
 remember, did not want any filling up fining down would 
 have been more to the purpose with her. However, that is 
 matter of taste, there being, fortunately, admirers of women 
 in all shapes. Indeed, if it would not shock the delicacy 
 of our male readers, we might mention that Emma had had 
 an extra tug at her stays, and reduced her waist by an inch 
 and a half or so. Emma had a good foot and ankle, pulled 
 her stockings well up, and didn't mind showing her legs a
 
 68 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 little. Indeed, pulling up their stockings is a great thing 
 with girls. The finest satin dress that ever was worn, will 
 not compensate for untidy ankles. It is not the value of 
 the article, but the fit and style of the thing that does a 
 man's business. A cotton gown has proved many a man's 
 " fix," as the Americans say. Still, when one's been used to 
 a girl in cotton, the emergence into the radiance of silks 
 has frequently a very favourable effect. So it was with 
 Emma. Mr. Jorrocks a great admirer of beauty, and an 
 excellent judge of the points of a woman albeit he hadn't 
 shown any great taste in his selection of Mrs. J., was struck 
 " all of a heap," as the saying is, with the elegance of 
 Emma's appearance, and could he have been sure that Mrs. 
 J. would have let Emma sit in the middle, he wouldn't have 
 minded riding "three in a chay" again. Nothing would 
 satisfy the old cock but Emma should get out and show 
 herself, an invitation she readily complied with, and having 
 praised the tightness of the sleeve, the breadth of the 
 flounces, and the curl of the feather, Mr. Jorrocks handed 
 her back again, and shoved Mrs. Jorrocks in after. 
 
 Mrs. Flather and he then mounted the front seat of the 
 fire-engine, Benjamin lett the old cob's stupid head to jump 
 in behind, and yielding the pas to the chaise, they fell in 
 behind just at a sufficient distance to avoid the dust. At 
 the first turn of the road they met Mrs. Trotter ; glorious 
 encounter. Mrs. Jorrocks kissed her hand at her, as if she 
 would never see her more. Mr. Jorrocks pulled up for the 
 double purpose of a little chat, and of letting the chaise 
 get out of sight, for he had a wholesome dread of those 
 little nasty back windows, that coachmakers will stick in 
 behind. 
 
 " Veil, Mrs. Trotter," said he, after mutual salutations 
 were over, " this is suramut like summer the real 
 unadulterated article, I guess and where are you a 
 travellin' to ? " 
 
 Mrs. Trotter was bustling about trying for subscriptions 
 for the " Shipwrecked Fishermen and Mariner's Benevolent 
 Society ; annual subscription, two and sixpence donations 
 ad libitum ; " and liking Mrs. Flather as little as Mrs.
 
 HILLLXGDOX HALL. 69 
 
 Flatter liked her, and, moreover, objecting to let her 
 "Donkeyton Castle" her, she hurried away, vowing she 
 hadn't a minute to spare, commenting in her own mind on 
 the abandonment of Mrs. Flather in riding about publicly 
 with another woman's husband. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, who always did everything like a workman 
 or at least what he thought like one having folded a 
 natty new zephyr across his thighs, so as to leave the upper 
 part of his well-filled drab stockingette pantaloons visible 
 between the laps of the Jorrockian jacket, turned a little to 
 his left, and commenced a voluble battery not to say love- 
 making with his fair friend. Our young readers, we dare 
 say, will turn up their noses at this, just as the boarding- 
 school miss did, when she begged her mamma not to marry 
 her to an old man of thirty ; but as we get older we get 
 wonderfully lenient in the matter of age, and see no reason 
 why two old fools should not amuse themselves as well as 
 two young ones. Besides, if our accommodating friends will 
 refer to the first portion of this tale, or whatever they please 
 to call it, they will find that we expressly stated, that Mrs. 
 Flather was an undespairing widow as indeed all widows 
 are, that have anything so there is nothing improbable, 
 though it may be a little improper, in a steady old gentle- 
 man, like Mr. J., doing as we have described. Well, right 
 or wrong, J. did it, and but for the encumbrance of Benjamin, 
 we fear he would have been far worse. First he flopped 
 the nag "There was a goer, neat, clean, straightforward, 
 dartin' action, none o' your lumberin', rollin', dishin' beggars, 
 wot go like crabs, all vays at once, and none in particklar. 
 Took to his collar like a tramp (trump), didn't run arter it 
 all day, never tryin' for to ketch it." Then he gave old 
 Roman- nose another flop " Nice nag ! all over right, he 
 did believe. He called him Dickey Cobden, not out o' com- 
 pliment to him o' the League, but simply because he was 
 wot is called a cob 'oss a useful, underbred nag. If he'd 
 been a dun 'un now, he'd ha' called him Tom Buncombe, 
 but he should have had a trifle more breedin'. Finsbury's 
 pride was werry well bred. Howsomever, all things con- 
 sidered, Dickey did werry well. Some might think him a
 
 yo HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 trifle too old ; but he thought nothin' o' that, age was 
 nothin' either in 'osses or women. Fat, fair, and forty, wos 
 his motto. Binjimin ! " exclaimed he, turning short round 
 as he heard the boy snicker at hearing this oft-repeated 
 assertion, " take the drivin'-seat out from an under me, and 
 make me a comfey place for my back. I'm far too 'igh ; 
 nothin' to rest agin, there, take cushion and all out, and 
 I shall get a nice nest." 
 
 This arrangement had the desired effect. It brought Mr. 
 Jorrocks a few inches below the level of Mrs. Flather, and 
 enabled his lower notes to ascend to her bonnet without 
 travelling over the back to Benjamin. At least so Mr. J. 
 thought. He then began afresh " Nice day for a drive," 
 observed he aloud, flourishing his whip over his head like 
 a French postillion ; adding, in an undertone, " and rare 
 weather for billin' and cooiii'. I'm dashed if a day o' this 
 sort don't rejuvenate one knocks full five-and-twenty per 
 cent, off one's age. I feels like a four-year-old. Binjimin ! " 
 exclaimed he, " jamp out and see if Dickey hasn't picked up 
 a stone." 
 
 On Mr. J. drove, keeping the boy running after the 
 carriage, vociferating that Dickey " hadn't done nothin' o' 
 the sort." Mr. J. availing himself of the opportunity to 
 sweetheart Mrs. Flather. " Stones," said he casually, as if 
 he really thought the cob had taken up one, " are bad for 
 the feet and talkin' o' feet," continued he, " wot beautiful 
 feet and ankles your daughter 'as. Now, if I was a young 
 'un that's to say, a little younger than I am " 
 
 " There ain't no stone in his foot / v roared Benjamin. 
 
 " Five-and-thirty or so," continued Mr. Jorrocks, without 
 noticing the interruption, "I'd have a shy at her. She's 
 jest the sort o' figure I fancy clean, full-limb'd, up-standin' 
 sort o' gal ; with as fine a figur-'ead as ever I " 
 
 " / tells you there ain't no stone in his foot ! " screamed 
 Benjamin, toiling after the dust-raising vehicle, Mr. Jor- 
 rocks jerking the old cob's mouth to keep him going, and 
 prevent Benjamin overtaking them. 
 
 "Your boy's left behind," observed Mrs. Flather, not 
 exactly comprehending Mr. Jorrocks's manoeuvre.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 71 
 
 " Oh ! never mind the bouy," replied Mr. J., " he finds his 
 own shoes." 
 
 " It's the 'ind foot, Binjimin, I think, the stone's in," 
 holloaed Mr. Jorrocks over his left shoulder ; adding to 
 Mrs. Flather with a wink, a nod, and an emphasis, 
 "Emma's her mother's own child, I calculate like as two 
 peas." 
 
 " / tells you there ain't no stone in his foot ! " screamed 
 Benjamin again, relaxing from his run into a walk ; and 
 Mr. Jorrocks, guessing he had had about enough, pulled up 
 under the shade of a roadside tree to wait his coming. 
 Meanwhile he busied himself tucking Mrs. Flather into her 
 cloak, and arranging the rug for her feet. 
 
 " Dear me ! " said he, lifting her gown a little, " them's 
 Emma's feet all over. Werry rum," continued he, half 
 to himself, and half to the tree, " but 'oss maxims often 
 'old good with women too. No fut no 'oss, no fut no 
 ankle. Never troubles to look at a woman's face if she's 
 clumsy and beefey about the pins. Confound them long 
 pettikits ! There's never no sayin' wot's an under them. I 
 
 wonders G y B y, or some o' them ' emollit mores ' 
 
 ladylike legislators, don't bring in a bill to make draggle-tails 
 felony. I declares they drives me parfectly mad. Unless a 
 man spends 'alf his time at 'Owell & James's, or Swan & 
 Hedgar's, or some o' them man-milliner sort o' shop doors, 
 waitin' for to see the gals get into their chays, he has no 
 possible chance o' knowin' wot sort o' understandin's they 
 have." 
 
 " Come up, Dickey ! " said he to the cob, as Benjamin 
 soused himself sulkily into his seat, and leaned forward to 
 hear what was going forward. 
 
 On they went. 
 
 Women in general have no idea about roads, or distances, 
 or places, and will travel the same way over and over again, 
 without making an observation or a landmark of any de- 
 scription on the line. Indeed, some men fox-hunters too 
 are not much better ; and will ride over a country, season 
 after season, without getting a bit better acquainted with it. 
 No wonder Mrs. Flather was not of much assistance in
 
 72 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 directing the route or timing the journey, when the natural 
 indifference of the sex on these matters, and the exciting 
 nature of her companion's conversation, are taken into con- 
 sideration. The day was fine and pleasant, and the road 
 picturesque. Not that the latter was any great recommen- 
 dation, for Mrs. Flather was own cousin to the ladies Lord 
 Byron met sleeping in the Char-a-banc between Porte St. 
 Martin and Chillon, while Mr. Jorrocks's eye for a country 
 was chiefly directed to the nature of the soil, the quality of 
 the crops, and the advantages it exhibited, either in an 
 agricultural or fox-hunting point of view. " That's nice 
 turnip land ! " he would exclaim in a loud voice for Benja- 
 min to hear, pointing to a field on the right, after indulging 
 in a long murmur of amatory sentiments ; or observing, on 
 looking at another, that he'd " be bund with a good dustin 
 o' nitrate o' sober to make it grow ten quarters a hacre. 
 There's a Balfinch ! " he would say, pointing to a high 
 quickset fence next the road. " Stop Hashton Smith and 
 Craven Smith, and all the Smiths wotever were foal'd. 
 Lord ! 'ow I used to show them the way with the immortal 
 old Surrey. Would lip anything a'most anything that 
 my 'oss could lay his nose on." Then in an undertone he 
 would indulge in a strong panegyric on fox-'unters, ascribing 
 to them every desirable matrimonial quality under the sun, 
 which, by a dexterous adaptation of his subject, he contrived 
 to bend into an exemplification of himself Mr. J. was toler- 
 ably vain. " There's lazy farmin' ! " then he would exclaim 
 " see 'ow the beggar's shirked the fences, as if he thought 
 they'd set fire to the plough. Be bund I'd grow as much 
 grain on the land he's wasted, as would pay a quarter the 
 rint o' the farm. My vig, but that chap wants a lector on 
 agricultur." 
 
 "That's Donkeyton Castle!" at length exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, breaking off in a long tirade about ladies' legs and 
 the advantages of lime as a manure. 
 
 " Good," we fancy we hear some cavilling critic, who has 
 dogged us thus far on our path, exclaim, " Mr. Jorrocks,
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 73 
 
 who has never seen Donkeyton Castle, pointing it out to 
 Mrs. Flather who has." 
 
 It was so nevertheless, for no sooner did his eye catch 
 the flag floating on the keep, rising above the octagonal 
 towers among the trees in the distance, as a sudden Derby- 
 shire or Dorsetshire twist of the road brought them full 
 on the valley of Borrowdale, with the broad Dart swelling 
 in the middle, than he immediately pointed with his whip, 
 and exclaimed, " That's Donkeyton Castle ! " as aforesaid. 
 Mrs. Flather thought it was too, and, looking at her watch, 
 expressed her surprise at the hour and astonishment, 
 mingled with something like regret, at the apparent short- 
 ness of the distance. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, ever " wide awake," gave her a gentle 
 nudge with his elbow, and pretending to arrange the apron 
 strap on the splashboard, whispered, sotto voce, " You and 
 I'll ride 'ome together." 
 
 A change now came over the spirit of their dream. 
 
 Their minds became occupied with anticipations about 
 their visit, the ceremony of presentation, and the necessary 
 palaverment. The vision of the ducal coronet gracing 
 Emma's brow again returned in full force, as Mrs. Flather 
 looked with an eye of ownership on the proud scarlet flag 
 floating lazily on the evening's breeze. It was a lovely 
 scene. The road wound gently round the lofty river banks, 
 fringed with stately trees in all the luxuriance of full 
 summer foliage, reflecting their gigantic shapes in the 
 crystal-like clearness of the water ; while Donkeyton Castle 
 rose tower above tower in the distance, in all the massive 
 grandeur of feudal pomp and unconquerable strength. 
 
 The road now bent into the valley, and it required all 
 Mr. Jorrocks's coachmanship to prevent the fire-engine 
 running the old cob off his legs, which began to fail just 
 at the time the hill was steepest. At length they accom- 
 plished the descent, and a short piece of level road brought 
 them to the massive, deeply-ribbed, many-arched bridge 
 across the smoothly gliding Dart; and a few paces further 
 on, and they were at the castellated gates, forming a 
 triumphal arch into Donkeyton Castle Park. The great
 
 74 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 black-nailed oak doors were closed, and the rattle and jingle 
 of the fire-engine died out on the pavement, without 
 procuring the attendance of any one. 
 
 " Now then ! " cried Mr. Jorrocks, in the orthodox London 
 twang, putting his whip in the case, preparatory to making 
 his final arrangements. 
 
 " Come, Mr. Slowman ! " squeaked Benjamin, as he stood 
 up behind with all the importance of a grenadier ; " look 
 alive ! " added he, without moving his station. 
 
 " Jest get out, Binjimin," said Mr. Jorrocks quietly, " and 
 give a leetle ' tinctum ndbulum sonat ' to that 'ere bell I sees 
 perched i' the corner." 
 
 Out Benjamin got, and seizing the chain, rung a peal 
 that made the old entrance echo, and scared the owls out 
 of the ivied battlements. 
 
 " lV7iat's happen d now ? " inquired a big-bellied, brandy- 
 nosed porter, bustling out of a side-door, dressed in green 
 plush, with a yellow waistcoat, and lace-bedaubed hat ; " no 
 one's allowed to pass through our park." 
 
 " Pass through our park ! " repeated Mr. Jorrocks, " vy, 
 I'm a-goin' to dine with the Duke I'm Mr. Jorrocks the 
 grocer Mr. Jorrocks of Hillingdon 'All, that's to say " 
 
 " Beg pardon, sir," replied the porter, all humility, taking 
 off his laced hat and throwing back the massive doors with 
 an ease non-com portant with their heavy appearance. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks then passed on a few paces, and drew up 
 under the arch. 
 
 "Fatch me a lookin'-glass," said he, pulling off his 
 gloves, and putting them into his hat, at the same time 
 diving into one of the lower Jorrockian jacket pockets, and 
 pulling out a hair-brush and comb. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks then made a formal arrangement of his wig 
 and whiskers ; and having, by the aid of the glass, wiped 
 the dust from his face and green tie, he handed it to Mrs. 
 Flather, who made a hasty review of her features, while Mr. 
 J. flopped the dust off his Hessians with his handkerchief.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 75 
 
 " There, old bouy," said Mr. Jorrocks, handing back the 
 looking-glass to the owner, " there's your mirror, and see 
 vou learn to know a geul'man agin I come this way again ; " 
 so saying, he put Dickey Cobden in motion, and commenced 
 the ascent to the castle. 
 
 It was a noble place. On a lofty hill in the centre of a 
 large, well-stocked deer park, exhibiting almost every variety 
 of grass on its undulating surface, and profusely dotted 
 with gigantic trees, stood the moss-grey towers and terraces 
 of the ancient castle, foi-ming a feature in the country for 
 many miles around. The clustering trees around its base 
 seemed unable to cope with the towering altitude of the 
 castle. Centuries upon centuries had rolled on since the 
 first part of it was built, but succeeding additions had 
 adhered to the Gothic architecture of the original. 
 
 " / do believe Dickey Cobden's a-goin' to knock up," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, with a shake of the head, as the old 
 nag relaxed into a walk on feeling the collar against the 
 now approaching hill. " Binjimin, jemp out and ease the 
 beggar a bit, or we shall be planted, and then there'll be a 
 pretty kettle o' fish." 
 
 " That's the worst o' these underbred beggars," observed 
 Mr. Jorrocks confidentially to Mrs. Flather, " they're all 
 werry well so long as the road's 'ard and smooth, but, con- 
 found, them, as soon as ever they get into a difficulty, or the 
 collar begins to pinch, they shut up. Come, Dickey, old 
 bowy," continued Mr. Jorrocks, rubbing the colt's back with 
 the crop of the whip, " be o' good cheer, and sink the old 
 Sussex ploughman for once." 
 
 Dickey stood still. 
 
 " Nay, then ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, " it's all U P with 
 us. Ease his bearin' rein, Binjimin ease his bearin' rein, 
 or loose it altogether, and turn his 'ead to the hair block 
 the wheel, or he'll run back with us, and we'll lose wot he's 
 done." 
 
 " Come, old bouy," resumed Mr. Jorrocks, after a few 
 seconds' pause, during which he sat eyeing the old nag
 
 76 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 intently, " I vouldn't expose myself afore all these deer, and 
 other signs o' genteelety ; " Mr. J. looking at a herd of deer 
 watching them from a neighbouring clump of trees on a 
 gently swelling hill on the right ; " rouse the spirit o' the 
 cobs, and at it like a man." 
 
 Dickey shook his head. 
 
 "Veil, it arn't no use argufyin' with such a muff," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, throwing the reins to Benjamin, and 
 sticking the whip in the case ; " he's jest von o' your if 
 he mil, he mil, and if he von't, he von't sort o' beggars, and 
 he played me jest the same trick a-goin' up the 'ill to Mr. 
 'Eavytail's pet farm t'other day, and neither coaxin' nor 
 quiltin' had the slightest effect upon him so vot do you 
 say, my dear Mrs. Flather ; s'pose you and I get out and 
 valk, and leave Binjimin to follow ven he gets his quadruped 
 out o' the sulks ? " 
 
 Mrs. Flather readily assented, and divesting themselves 
 of cloaks, shawls, and outer habiliments, Mr. J. handed her 
 out of the fire-engine, and off they set arm in arm for the 
 castle. 
 
 " It's a deal plisanter walkin' nor ridin'," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, kicking his legs out before him on the grass " at 
 least plisanter nor ridin' curled up like a cod-fish as I was. 
 Not but the hutch is a good 'un, comfey hutch I may say, 
 but it don't do, when a lady and gen'lman want to be a 
 leetle confidential, to have a servant stuck in behind, listenin' 
 to all what they say. Lord, I should like nothin' better 
 than to be cast on a barren land, a sort o' Heel-pie island 
 on a large scale, with an agreeable companion -female one, 
 in course," added Mr. Jorrocks in an undertone, squeezing 
 Mrs. Flather's arm, " with no bother o' servants, or nothin' 
 o' that sort. Jest a maid to milk the cows, and another to 
 make the beds and lay the cloth, with a silvery sailin' boat, 
 with a blue streamer at its mast'ead, to come every Satur- 
 day night, with poultry, and pastry, and preserved fruit, and 
 bottled stout, hoysters, marmeylad, eggs, and wermacelli, and 
 may be a few yards o' bombazeen j not that dress would be
 
 IIILLIXGDON HALL. 77 
 
 any object, for beauty, says I, when unadorned's adorn'd 
 the most," Mr. J. giving Mrs. Flather's arm another hearty 
 squeeze ; " but I'm sick o' the hartificial state o' society 
 the cards, and the compliments, the so glads, and so sorrys, 
 the grinnin', and the gammon and spinnage o' the thing, and 
 my wiggorous 'eart yearns for natur' unalloy'd, and the 
 habolition o' bustles and 'oss-'air pettikits. Cuss me if here 
 arn't Dickey Cobden a comin' again ! " 
 
 Sure enough there was Dickey Dickey in a canter too, 
 for Benjamin, by the aid of what the old " stage coachmen " 
 called a " short tommy," * had succeeded in getting Dickey 
 into motion, who, with the now much lightened vehicle, came 
 jingling along at a sort of donkey's canter, with Benjamin 
 grinning in the driving-seat. 
 
 " Cut along, Binjimin ! cut along ! " exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, waving his arm onwards towards the castle ; but 
 Dickey was one of your regular marplots, and came to a 
 standstill immediately opposite his master and fair friend. 
 
 " Oh, but you're a beast ! " grinned Mr. Jorrocks with 
 vexation, " do get him out o' the way, Binjimin, for the dust 
 he raises is quite obfuscatin', and Mrs. Flather here's got 
 her Sunday gown on, and not never no cloak, nor nothin' to 
 protect it." 
 
 Benjamin didn't like showing the short tommy to his 
 master, so he hit on another expedient for making Dickey 
 go. Leaning over the splashboard, he took off his hat, 
 and rattling his hand in it, produced a noise like distant 
 thunder at Dickey's tail, who, cocking his ears, set off at a 
 canter which very soon bore him out of sight. 
 
 "Cute bouy that Binjimin," said Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing 
 the receding vehicle with delight, "he's up to snaff. Nice 
 wehicle, too," continued he, following it with his eye. 
 " Had it a long time done me a deal o' work. Charley 
 Stubbs, wot married my niece Belinda as neat a little 
 
 * A short, heavy, knotty whip.
 
 78 HILLIXGDO^ HALL. 
 
 trout as ever you set eyes on christen'd it the fire-engine ; 
 or, rayther, one of them sarcy toll-takers on Vaterloo Bridge 
 christen'd it so ; but, howsomever, they never could put me 
 out o' conceit on it, and there it is, and there it isn't," con- 
 cluded he, as it passed out of sight, where the road wound 
 round a clump of trees. 
 
 " I reckons the coachmaker's trade's a particklar good 'un," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks thoughtfully ; " almost equal to the 
 possession o' the philosopher's stone, for they certainfo'e do 
 conwert wood and iron into gold in a most mrakilous 
 manner. Nothin' under a hundred and thirty-eight guineas 
 for elliptics, and a hundred and eighty-five for C springs ; 
 and yet if you takes them a boobey hutch back, they'll 
 hardly give you thirteen for it : offer you ten, p'raps. I 
 gave eight for that ; you couldn't have a nicer one for sweet- 
 'eartin' in, or no manner o' purpose, though it has neither 
 ornamented lamps, nor a double-compass'd dashin' iron. 
 Crikey, vot a shop ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, breaking off 
 in his discourse, as the whole castle front, with its terraces 
 and towers, stood full before them. " Vot can a man do 
 with so much 'ouse room as all that : I wonder now if he 
 pays winder tax on all them funny little pigeon 'oles, and 
 crosses, and things wot are stuck all about the towers. I 
 reckon the Lumber Troop, or even the City Light 'Oss, 
 would look uncommon blue if they'd been order'd to ' take ' 
 that castle ! Fancy a panful o' 'ot lead comin' down on 
 one's cocoa-nut from one of them 'igh places, such as one 
 reads of in Clarendon's 'istory of the Rebellion, or Marryat's 
 Jacob Faithful, I doesn't mind whether." Mr. Jorrocks 
 stood staring. 
 
 " Oh ! but the hart o' love's far afore the hart o' war, isn't 
 it, my little dack ? " continued he, moving on again, with a 
 squeeze of the arm of Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Them 'ill be the gardens to the left, where I sees all 
 the glass a glitterin' through the trees," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, pointing them out to his fair friend. " It don't 
 seem much out of our way now to take them as we go to 
 the castle, and if there's a short cut, I'll be bound to say I 
 find it. Let's see 'ow the enemy goes."
 
 HILLIKGDON HALL. 79 
 
 Having pulled out his great ticker and forgot to look at 
 it, he felt a sudden conviction that a few gwsberries before 
 dinner would do them both an infinite deal of good, especially 
 himself, having, as he said, a slight tendency to headache, 
 from having incautiously taken a thimbleful of indifferent 
 brandy the previous evening; that's to say, from having 
 had a glass too much. 
 
 His company was so agreeable that Mrs. Flather could 
 not refuse, so leaving the carriage-road, they struck up a 
 path across the park to the left, leading apparently in the 
 direction of the garden. 
 
 " Nothin' like fox-'unting," observed Mr. Jorrocks, " for 
 makin' chaps cunnin' about country. Now your reg'lar 
 Cockney chaps never think there's a shorter way than by 
 the road, and go trudgin' jest the same way as they go on 
 'oss-back. James Green, now, for instance, though he saw 
 the glass a glitterin', would have gone to the castle, knocked 
 at the door, and axed which was the way to the garden, in- 
 stead of settin' off on a woyage of discovery like you and I 
 are a doin'. To be sure an agreeable companion makes any 
 place plisant, and I never thinks of poor Hadam alone in 
 his beautiful garden and plisure grounds, without feelin' a 
 sort o' compassion for him. To be sure he lived in good 
 times, no income-tax no 'oss-'air pettikits ; but then, on 
 the other 'and, he had no 'unting. When you marry again, 
 Mrs. Flather, marry a fox-'unter," said he. 
 
 " my dear Mr. Jorrocks, I've given up all idea of any- 
 thing of that sort," replied Mrs. Flather who at length got 
 a word in sideways, "my poor dear children occupy my 
 only thoughts in this world." 
 
 " Fiddle-de-dee ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks, squeezing her arm 
 more violently than before " never say that a nice comely 
 little woman like you for shame of yourself you're any 
 man's money any man's, at least, wot knows the good pints 
 of a woman." 
 
 " Mr. Jorrocks, you flatter ! " 
 
 " Never such a thing ! never such a thing ! " retorted 
 our gallant Squire, waxing warm, " I wow" 
 
 " There ain't no road this way, my old covey," roared a
 
 8o HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 green and yellow watcher (who, unseen to our friends, had 
 dodged them for some time), right into Mr. Jorrocks's ear. 
 
 " B your imperence ! " screamed Mr. Jorrocks, doubling 
 his fists, and putting himself into an attitude of defence 
 before his trembling friend. " B your imperence, I say ! 
 you confounded rebellious-looking ruffian, I'll knock you 
 neck and croup into the middle o' the week after next, and 
 spit you like a sparrow afore the fire. Vot do you take 
 me for ? " 
 
 " Take you for ! " repeated the man, " why, a trespasser 
 to be sure may be a poacher, looking after our leverets. 
 A regular snaring-looking chap," continued the man, eyeing 
 the Jorrockian jacket-pockets. 
 
 " I'll snarin'-lookin' chap you," roared Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 " stop till I gets to the castle, and I'll let you see who 
 you've been insultin' of " 
 
 The man looked foolish, and thinking he might have 
 made a mistake, pretended to be taken by the sight of some 
 one else in the distance, and hurried away, with a view of 
 watching their manoeuvres again. Mr. Jorrocks's equanimity 
 was soon restored, and before the keeper was out of sight, 
 his feathers were down, and he was arm-iu-arming it with 
 Mrs. Flather over the green sward as before. 
 
 The sombre tint of a massive yew-tree-lined walk led the 
 eye onwards to the garden, which they entered by a trium- 
 phal arch through the gardener's house. The garden was an 
 immense place, five or six acres at least within the walls, 
 with forcing and succession houses of every sort and kind. 
 Vineries, pineries, peach houses, melon frames, and cucumber 
 beds, without end. A dozen gardeners were lounging 
 about, some with watering-pots, some with spades, some 
 with fruit, some with vegetables, some with their hands in 
 their pockets. 
 
 " They must be werry fond o' fruit," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, as, Mrs. Flather on arm, he stood eyeing the 
 premises and retinue. " Wegetable diet altogether, one 
 would think, judging by the quantity they grow. S'pose we
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 81 
 
 have a bunch o' grapes," added he, advancing towards a 
 glass-house. " Oh ! I declare it's a pinery ! real pines a- 
 growin' quite nattural, instead of perched on plates, as one 
 sees them in Common Garden, or Bond Street. Sarcy meat 
 there, I guess a guinea at least howsomever, we'll have 
 our rewenge here, and get one for nothin'." Thereupon 
 our worthy friend opened the door, and having selected 
 an exceedingly fine pine, rejoined Mrs. Flather, who waited 
 his return outside. " Where there's ceremony, there's no 
 friendship, I always says," observed he, diving into the 
 lower pocket of the Jorrockian jacket, and producing a large 
 pruning-knife, wherewith he cut off the bottom of the pine 
 as he held it by the top in the other hand. " There now," 
 said he, paring and presenting Mrs. Flather with a most 
 liberal slice, " eat that, and then we'll take a turn at the 
 gwsberries." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks then cut and commenced eating a similar 
 slice himself. 
 
 "Werry good," said he, munching and eating away. 
 " Werry good indeed fine-flavoured ripe juicy declare 
 the juice's a-runnin' down my chin." 
 
 A very important-looking personage, who, but for the 
 attendance of a couple of followers with flower sticks and 
 bass matting, Mr. Jorrocks might have taken for the Duke 
 of Donkeyton himself, now bore upon them right up the 
 centre of the walk. "This is Mr. Tuliptree, the head 
 gardener," whispered Mrs. Flather, seeing her companion 
 was rather puzzled. 
 
 " Indeed ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, resuming his wonted 
 gaiety, and staring most unceremoniously a feat that Mr. 
 Tuliptree was perfectly equal to ; for, making a dead halt 
 before them, he stood making an apparent mental calcula- 
 tion whether the rum-looking figures he saw could possibly 
 be Castle company or not. 
 
 " Yell, old Cabbage-stalk ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks as 
 they met, " 'ow are you, this fine weather ? 'ow's Mra 
 Stalk, and all the little Sprouts ? " 
 
 F
 
 82 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 Mr. Tuliptree stared. 
 
 " You grow grand pines," continued he, holding the half- 
 finished one up to Mr. Tuliptree's nose. " Excellent, I may 
 say ; but there's an old say in', and it's a werry true un, too 
 much puddin' 'ill choke a dog, and too much pine 'ill do the 
 same by a gen'lman, so now show us the way to your best 
 gusberry bushes -not your great overgrown prize sorts, all 
 skin and seeds, what have no more flavour nor a turnip, but 
 some o' the nice little prickly old-fashioned sort, scarlet or 
 green you know wot I mean, old buoy." 
 
 " Pray, sir, may I ask if you're staying at the Castle ? " 
 inquired Mr. Tuliptree. 
 
 lt Goin' to" replied Mr. Jorrocks, taking another cut at 
 the pine ; " but first," said he, " give me a bit o' that bass 
 mattin', and get me a cabbage leaf, for I really think I shall 
 be makin' myself sick with this pine, and that would have a 
 werry nasty appearance, you know, old Cabbage-stalk, not to 
 say ungenteel ; there now," said he, when he had got what 
 he wanted, " we'll tie it up, and so keep it fresh, and maybe 
 i' the mornin' I may like to take another cut at it ; " so 
 saying Mr. Jorrocks popped the remainder of the pine into 
 the lower Jorrockian jacket-pocket, leaving the top of it 
 sticking above the diagonal pocket hole. 
 
 Mr. Tuliptree was posed ; but having seen some queer- 
 looking customers at the Castle, who afterwards turned out 
 to be lords, he thought he had best put on his servitude 
 manners, which he immediately did, and most obsequiously 
 led the way to the gooseberry bushes. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks then fell to. 
 
 " Our old gal 'ill be a-wonderin' wot's got me," observed 
 Mr. Jorrocks at length, gathering a parting handful of 
 gooseberries, and thinking what a wigging he was running 
 the risk of. . " 'Ark !. there's the clock one two three 
 four five six six as I live my vig there's a go 
 they'll be a-sittin' down to dinner without us tempus 
 fuggit, money flies certainly." 
 
 " Oh, they don't dine till seven," observed Mrs. Flather,
 
 HILLINGDON" HALL. 83 
 
 " and I think the Castle's not far off there used to be a 
 bridge somewhere about here, between it and the garden, I 
 think, over a brook, if I recollect right." 
 
 " Ah, yon 'ill be it ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks, pointing to 
 a bridge a little way off, nearly obscured by foliage " the 
 Castle can't be werry far off, or that clock must be own 
 brother to the one at Saint Paul's. Well, I'd a deal rayther 
 walk in these nice shady humbrageous walks with sich a 
 sweet hen-angel as you, nor go and stuff wenison and fizzy 
 with my Lord Dukeship up there deary me now, it's been 
 jest these sort o' summer, sunshiny valks that Dean Swift 
 meant when he talked 'bout the greenest spot on memory's 
 waste. Ah! it must be a plisant waste wot's a covered 
 with sich spots. There's a deal o' plisant sentiment I always 
 thinks in them nice lines o' Peter Pindar's : 
 
 ' And say, without our 'opes, without our fears, 
 Without the joy wot plighted love endears, 
 "Without the smile from partial "beauty won, 
 O vot were man ? a vorld without a sun ! ' 
 
 " Ain't there, my darlin' ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks, looking 
 under Mrs. Flather's bonnet, and squeezing her hand as it 
 rested on his arm, a pressure, we are shocked to say, Mrs. 
 Flather slightly returned. 
 
 Mr. J. then kissed her. 
 
 " You and I'll ride 'ome together," said the steady old 
 gentleman, beginning to puff as the ascent of the hill 
 announced their approach to the Castle. Presently they 
 were on the terrace. 
 
 Those who have stood on the ramparts of the city of 
 Berne the Aar at their feet and the setting sun shedding 
 a roseate hue over the snow-clad encircling Alps, can form 
 an idea of the splendour of the scene from the terrace of 
 Donkeyton Castle, inferior of course in magnificence, but 
 wonderful when found in our not over picturesque country 
 of England. Mr. Jorrocks, however, was not much of a 
 man for scenery, and Mrs. Flather was too busy thinking of 
 her reception from the Duchess and other things, to give
 
 84 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 it a thought, so they turned to the massive, richly-carved 
 portico of the Castle to await the answer to the summons 
 of the bell. 
 
 " The chap must have had a wast o' grandfathers, as 
 
 D e E e would say," observed Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing 
 
 the many time-worn shields studding the walls of the centre 
 tower, the arms on some of which were mouldering into 
 decay. 
 
 " I'd take them old things down if I was the Duke, and 
 put up some pretty images shepherds and shepherdesses, 
 Wenuses, or Diannas, or things o' that sort, summut more 
 in the taste of the times might have them in wood or 
 Mulgrave cement, if he didn't like to go to the expense o' 
 carvin' in marble or stone." 
 
 A fat porter in state livery his pea-green coat and 
 yellow waistcoat almost concealed with gold lace, and a 
 court bag to his collar, opened the massive door to admit 
 our guests into the hall. Here they were met by two 
 gigantic footmen similarly attired, and the groom of the 
 chamber in full dress. 
 
 " You cut it fat here, old bony," observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 handing his hat to the porter and a glove to each footman, 
 " 'ope you don't injure yourselves with work. These chaps," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks to Mrs. Flatter, " are jest like wot 
 the Lord Mayor and Sheriffs o' London 'ave." 
 
 " What name shall I say, sir ? " asked the groom of the 
 chamber in the politest manner possible, motioning them 
 across the lofty baronial hall, the stained glass of the deeply 
 mullioned windows casting a variety of shades over the 
 armour, and banner-displaying rafters of the oak ceiling 
 and walls. 
 
 " MR. JORROCKS, to be sure," exclaimed our hero, " who 
 else should it be? Mr. Jorrocks and Mrs. Flather, in 
 fact." 
 
 Passing onwards into what would be a large room for a 
 house, though a small one for a castle, the groom of the 
 chamber opened a lofty door on the right, and ushered them 
 into a sixty by thirty feet library, fitted up in the extreme 
 of Gothic style ; old oak chairs, old oak tables, old oak sofas,
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 85 
 
 old oak screens, old oak wainscoting half up the walls at 
 least half up those that were not covered with old oak book- 
 cases. 
 
 " Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks, your Grace," whispered the 
 well-trained menial in the low funereal sort of voice that 
 distinguishes the servants of the nobility from the name- 
 mangling brawlers of High Life Below Stairs, as his Grace 
 reclined in a luxuriously-cushioned, richly-carved black oak 
 chair, taking a skim of the Morning Chronicle. 
 
 Down went the paper, and up got his Grace. He was a 
 fine, tall, noble-looking man, quite bald, with a little snow- 
 white hair behind, and full whiskers and beard under his 
 chin. Indeed, he looked as though the hair had been scraped 
 off his head and made into a fringe for his face. There 
 was a glow of health upon his countenance, and a straight- 
 ness in his gait that took considerably from his age, which 
 (on the wrong side of sixty) might, with the aid of 
 Persian dye to his " snow wreaths," have passed for five and 
 forty or fifty. He was dressed in a black frock-coat and 
 waistcoat, with drab trousers, and wore eye-glasses affixed 
 to a massive gold chain across his waistcoat. 
 
 " How do you do, Mr. Jorrocks ? I'm very happy to 
 see you," said his Grace, offering his hand, and bowing very 
 low. 
 
 " How do you do, Mrs. Jorrocks ? I'm monstrous happy 
 to make your acquaintance," continued his Grace, extending 
 a hand of fellowship to her, his naturally misty memory 
 making him forget that he had greeted Mrs. Jorrocks not 
 very long before, who was since gone with the Duchess to 
 her bedroom. 
 
 " This is Mrs. Flatlier, your Grace," observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 after their hands were released, " she's corned with me " 
 adding, with a sly look and shake of his head, " nothin' 
 wrong though, I assure you." 
 
 "Ah, true ! " exclaimed his Grace, pretending the evening 
 shades had dimmed his vision, and seizing Mrs. Flather 
 again by the hand, " My old friend, Mrs. Flather, to be sure, 
 I'm very glad indeed to see you ; " adding, " and where's my 
 old friend, your husband ; he's coming, I hope ? "
 
 86 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 " / rayther think not" replied Mr. Jorrocks, with a grin 
 and a wink, pointing downwards with his forefinger. 
 
 " Ah, true ! " replied his Grace, with a shrug and solemn 
 look " I remember now he died of the " 
 
 Just then the Duchess, who had piloted Mrs. Jorrocks 
 and Emma to their rooms, returned to see if any more of 
 their dear friends had arrived, and relieved the trio from 
 their embarrassment. 
 
 " Susan, my dear, here are our good friends, the Jor- 
 rockses," exclaimed the Duke, seeing the Duchess making 
 her way up behind them. 
 
 "Mr. Jorrocks and Mrs. Flather," observed Mr. Jorrocks 
 with an emphasis, turning short round and making a very 
 low bow " nothin' wrong, my lady, I assure you, only Mrs. 
 Flather likes an open chay, and Mrs. J. don't a little 
 stommach, you understand," added Mr. Jorrocks, tapping 
 his own with his forefinger. 
 
 Her Grace was delighted to see them of course, and, 
 after a few commonplaces, proposed showing Mrs. Flather 
 her room. The Duke volunteered the same office by Mr. 
 Jorrocks, notwithstanding his assertion that if Mrs. Jorrocks 
 " wasn't long gone he be bund to say he'd run her to 
 ground by her scent, she musked herself so uncommon 'igh 
 when she went to fine places."
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 ** I'll make my heaven in a lady's lap, 
 And deck my body in gay ornaments, 
 And witch sweet ladies with my words and looks." 
 
 SHAKSPEAEE. 
 
 (ATSAY, Binjimin, and Mrs. Flather's boy in 
 buttons, not being much used to company- 
 making, thought the visit to Donkeyton was 
 quite as much for their amusement as for that 
 of their master and mistresses ; accordingly, instead of un- 
 packing and laying out the things for the latters' dressing, 
 they contented themselves with carrying the boxes upstairs, 
 and leaving the parties who were to wear the clothes to 
 unpack and sort them out at their leisure, while they, trust- 
 worthy individuals, underwent the ceremony of introduction 
 and acquaintance-making among the servants of the Castle. 
 The consequence was, that what with the time consumed in 
 pulling at bells the confusion attendant upon the influx of 
 a houseful of strangers, and the difficulty of appropriating 
 each peal to the proper servant, our fair friends were hard 
 run in the matter of dressing. Mrs. Flather was in a despe- 
 rate state of excitement, for, independently of only having 
 Batsay's services at second-hand, that rascal Binjimin had 
 smelt the buns and carried them away bodily; and the 
 model of propriety, whose naturally good appetite was 
 greatly heightened by the ride, was really ravenous for 
 want of food. Like many home-made arm-chair projects, 
 the possibility of accomplishing the coronet seemed suddenly 
 to dissolve as they came within sight of it. Still, like a 
 man with a middling race-horse, Mrs. Flather determined 
 to run, and take the chances of luck in the tussle ; she had
 
 88 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 paid her stakes, in fact, in the shape of dresses. The buns, 
 however, were a desperate blow, and the worst of it was, 
 Mrs. Mather durst not ask point-blank, about them for fear 
 of exciting Mrs. Jorrocks's curiosity, and much time was 
 consumed in Batsay's running between Mrs. Jorrocks's room 
 and Mrs. Flather's, inquiring for a "brown paper parcel 
 tied up with blue ribbon." 
 
 " No, there was nothing of the sort." 
 
 "Then, perhaps, the blue ribbon had slipped off, and it 
 would just be a brown paper parcel." 
 
 " No, there was no such thing." 
 
 Binjimin had taken better care of them than that. The 
 buns were under the cushion of the carriage, and bag in the 
 harness-room fire. 
 
 The Duke and Duchess of Donkeyton had had weary 
 work all the morning of this important day marshalling the 
 order of their guests according to their ideas of each visitor's 
 importance, and the service they could be of in the event 
 of a contested election. As usual on such occasions, their 
 Graces' ideas, and the ideas of the parties themselves, were 
 greatly at variance ; and the more trouble they gave 
 themselves to please everybody, the further they were from 
 attaining their object. Each guest had an accurate idea of 
 his own consequence, but unfortunately no two tables of 
 ideas tallied. 
 
 The ingredients of an electioneering Whig party of this 
 description are rather curious. The " don " Whigs, of 
 course, are not asked ; or, at all events, only those who from 
 similar necessities are able to tolerate the nuisance of such 
 gatherings. The guests are generally the exception to the 
 general order of guests. The politics of middle life are 
 chiefly personal. The first great man that is civil to a 
 person generally gets his interest, and Whig or Tory is just 
 a toss up which comes first. We admit, however, there has 
 been a change within these twenty years we might almost 
 say within the last dozen since the passing of " the Bill," 
 in fact. Men that never thought of anything but their 
 shops, now talk of their politics just as their fathers used to 
 talk of their wives, their horses, or their watches. Times
 
 HILLI:N T GDO:N T HALL. 8 9 
 
 are changed indeed. Whether for the better is another 
 matter not important to this dinner. We leave it to 
 Young England. 
 
 The guests mustered strong. Their Graces had taken a 
 pair of compasses and drawn a circle of seven miles round 
 the Castle, within which radius the parties were only asked 
 to dine, while those beyond were accommodated with beds. 
 The consequence was, that great anxiety had prevailed 
 relative to the accuracy of the different village clocks and 
 hall timepieces, so as to nick the juste milieu of time, each 
 visitor being duly impressed with the conviction that the 
 eyes of that inquisitive and observant gentleman, " all 
 England," were turned upon him ; and that upon his 
 individual accuracy depended the success or failure of this 
 great party. Indeed, though there was scarcely an appetite 
 amongst them, and though they were all most horribly 
 frightened, there wasn't one who would not have taken it 
 seriously amiss if he or she had been omitted. It is 
 wonderful what pain people will undergo for pride or (what 
 ought to be) pleasure. A tight boot is nothing to it. 
 There was a great stir of one-horse chaises within the seven 
 miles' circle towards the hour of six. 
 
 Of course the host and hostess were anxious to show 
 every honour to their guests make real company of them 
 in short ; and the best of everything was put in requisition 
 state liveries, first-class china and plate in profusion; the 
 whole brilliantly illumined with wax and oil. His Grace 
 didn't use gas the only piece of sense he was known to 
 be guilty of. 
 
 A little before seven the Duke and Duchess of Donkey- 
 ton had planted themselves on a sumptuous rug, before 
 a brightly burning wood fire, in a glittering, profusely- 
 mirrored drawing room, fitted up with fawn-coloured satin, 
 with gold coronets worked on the chairs, sofa-cushions, 
 ottomans, screens, and so on. His Grace was in full dress. 
 His star glittered on a richly-buttoned blue coat with velvet 
 collar ; waistcoat and cravat vying with the whiteness of 
 his hair and whiskers; the broad blue ribbon of his 
 " order " crossing gracefully over his chest ; the garter
 
 9 o HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 relieving the monotony of his breeches and black silk 
 stockings. 
 
 The visitors then began to arrive. Those who were all 
 nighting in the Castle, walked into the drawing-room with 
 an " at-home " sort of air ; while the dinner guests passed 
 into the presence with an anxious, hurried, sidelong-glance 
 sort of walk, that looked very like wishing themselves back 
 again. Each looked as if he were playing a part. The 
 Duke who was a very loquacious old gentleman, though 
 terribly given to making mistakes received his guests 
 with the easy dignity of high life, and asked each a 
 question or two that he thought would show a familiarity 
 with the parties, and an interest in their concerns ; just 
 as he asked Mrs. Flather after his " good friend, Flather," 
 who had been dead some years. For instance, Mr. Tugwell 
 and the Rev. Mr. Webb having come together, and his 
 Grace recollecting that one was a great farmer, shook hands 
 with Mr. Tugwell, observing it was delightful weather ; and 
 hurriedly turning to the parson said, " Well, Webb, how 
 are you ? How's your bull ? " 
 
 " Please your Grace, the bull belongs to " 
 
 " Ah ! dead, I suppose," replied his Grace, shaking his 
 head with a look of concern " sorry for it, indeed ; very 
 Borry excellent man." 
 
 " By the way, how's your daughter, Mr. Tomkins ? " he 
 asked another almost in the same breath. 
 
 Mr. Tomkins stared. 
 
 " Dangerous attack, I heard ? " observed the Duke, 
 shaking his head. 
 
 " Beg pardon, your Greece ; it was the other Mr. 
 Tomkins's daughter " at length replied Mr. Tomkins 
 " Mr. Tommy Tomkins's." 
 
 " Ah, true ! you are Mr. Jeems Tomkins glad to hear 
 she's better fine girl ! monstrous fine girl ! " and so he 
 turned away to say something civil to some one else. 
 
 Our Hillingdon friends having been nearly the last in 
 arriving at the Castle, and having had the difficulties we 
 mentioned to contend with, were the latest of the late, and 
 the Duke had twice taken his repeater out of his waistcoat
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 91 
 
 pocket to compare it with the French clock on the mantel- 
 piece, when Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks made their appearance. 
 Mrs. Jorrocks was magnificent. On her head she wore a 
 yellow and gold turban, with a full plume of black ostrich 
 feathers, such as one sees on a mute's head before a great 
 funeral, while long full ringlets (false, of course) streamed 
 down the sides of her fat red cheeks, and rested on her 
 shoulders. Her gown was crimson brocade, stiff and rust- 
 ling, with many flounces of black lace ; and her arms and 
 neck were decorated with a profusion of mosaic jewellery 
 in the shape of bracelets, armlets, chains, brooches, and 
 lockets. 
 
 Our " Cockney Squire " was in the full-dress uniform of 
 the Handley Cross Hunt sky-blue coat, lined with pink 
 silk ; canary-coloured shorts, and white silk stockings. A 
 good large frill protruded through the stand-up collar ot 
 a white waistcoat, and a roll puddingy white neckcloth re- 
 placed the sea-green silk one of the morning. Altogether 
 they were a most striking couple. Mr. Jorrocks's big- 
 calved, well-shaped legs the feet encased in large gold- 
 buckled, patent leather pumps and the general brightness 
 of his colours, rendered him quite the object of attraction 
 in the room, and threw the " star and garter " of the Duke 
 rather into the shade moreover, most of the guests had 
 seen the " star and garter " before, but they had only heard 
 of Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks, the new opulent owners of Hill- 
 ingdon Hall. Accordingly, there was a grand stare and 
 nudging as they made their way up the spacious drawing- 
 room, Mr. Jorrocks strutting with his usual bantam-cock air, 
 as much as to say, " There's a pair o' legs for you find 
 fault with them if you can." 
 
 " Well, Mr. Jorrocks," said his Grace,- not exactly knowing 
 what question to hazard to him, " I hope you feel hungry 
 after your ride ? " 
 
 "Tol-lol thank ye, your Greece," replied Mr. Jorrocks, 
 squaring himself before the fire, taking a coat lap over each 
 arm, and turning full upon the company "feedin' time's 
 near at 'and, I s'pose wot o'clock may it be by your 
 Greece's gold watch ? " continued he, eyeing the awe-struck
 
 92 H1LLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 company around "you're uncommon well lodged here," 
 continued Mr. Jorrocks, staring about without waiting for 
 an answer " excellently, I may say dare say this room is 
 fefty feet if it's a hinch doors o' 'hoggany too," added he, 
 looking at them. " Put up afore Bob Peel's new Tariff 
 came in, I guess. Gilt cornices ! superb mirrors ! and satin 
 damask, I s'pose," added Mr. J., stooping down and nipping 
 one of the sofa cushions. " I likes this room a deal better 
 nor the first one I was in more glitter, more sparkle about 
 it. If I was you now, I'd furnish t'other same way that's 
 to say if you have the tin but don't go tick whatever 
 you do ; things cost jest double when you buy on credit. 
 Tick's the werry divil certainlie," continued Mr. Jorrocks, 
 turning his eyes up to the splendid cut-glass chandelier 
 sparkling from the centre of the ceiling, and jingling a 
 handful of half-crowns in his breeches pocket. " I minds, 
 my Lord Duke, when I was in the tea-trade indeed I'm 
 in it still, only I doesn't attend the shop when your swell 
 'ouse- stewards or powder-monkey Peters used to come axing 
 the price o' tea, pekoe, hyson- skin, twankay, gunpooder, and 
 so on ; I always used to ax whether they were purchasers 
 or buyers. Purchasers, you see, my Lord Dukeship, are 
 chalkers up ; buyers are money down and discount coves. 
 Well, if they were purchasers I jest doubled the price 
 to cover long credit and the risk o' not gettin' the money 
 at all ; besides which, these confounded fine gen'lemen 
 always expect a compliment for the horder, and a compli- 
 ment when they pay the tin, that's to say, if the 'appy day 
 occurs in their reign, for great folks in general don't keep 
 their flunkies long; but, howsomever, never mind," added 
 Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing the opening door at the end of the 
 room. 
 
 Mrs. Flather and Emma then entered ; Emma in a well- 
 fitting, pale pink satin, made drapte at the breast. She 
 was a decidedly fine-looking girl, held herself up, and walked 
 with an air. The composition of the party was in her 
 favour, there being nothing but country dowdies; no 
 London-milliner-turned-out lady to eclipse her, as we have 
 seen too many country belles eclipsed in London. Lord,
 
 HILLINGDO:N T HALL. 93 
 
 what a place London is ! How it takes the shine out of 
 the country conceit girls, horses, equipages, men, and all. 
 We met a friend t'other day at a country fair, who didn't 
 seem much in his element ; accordingly, we asked him what 
 brought him there. " I've got a pony to sell," said he 
 " and by the way," now added he, " as you understand 
 these sort of things, I should like you to see it, for it is, 
 without exception, the neatest and most perfect animal I ever 
 set eyes on a, perfect model. If you had it in London now, 
 and rode it up and down the park, every dealer in the town 
 would be after it. There it comes ! " cried he, pointing to a 
 shuffling, ginger-coloured chestnut (of all colours the most 
 detestable) looking thing, with a full tail and a hog mane, 
 and a great white ratch down its face, a sort of animal 
 that none but Van Butchel, Claudius Hunter, or some such 
 appearance-defying genius, would be guilty of riding. So 
 it is with girls. If a girl has a tolerable figure, and a face 
 not amiss, they immediately set her down for London 
 for the Duke of Devonshire, in fact. " Indeed, Mister 
 Brown," says his amiable spouse, " I don't consider we 
 should be doing Jemima justice if we didn't give her a 
 season in London." 
 
 " Nonsense, my dear, you know I can't afford it can 
 hardly pay my way as it is." 
 
 " Then you must just give up your hunters, Mister 
 Brown." 
 
 " I'll be d d if I do, though ! " says Mister Brown. 
 
 But suppose Mister Brown is of the " genus Jerry," as 
 Linnaeus would say, and gives in (poor Brown), what does 
 he see when he gets to London ? Why, that every other 
 girl he meets with is quite as good, and many a deuced deal 
 better-looking than Jemima. 
 
 Take an author's advice, Brown, and stay at home. 
 
 But let us on to the Duke of Donkeyton's dinner. 
 
 " Now, Bray, don't you make yourself such a swell," said 
 young Lord Aubrey, entering the Marquis's room, who, with 
 the aid of his valet, was settling himself into one of Jack- 
 son's particulars, blue coat, velvet collar and cuffs, silk 
 facings and linings, with Windsor buttons. Nature meant
 
 94 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 the Marquis for a girl, and a very pretty one he would have 
 made. He had a beautiful pink and white complexion, hair 
 parted down the middle of his head, and falling in ringlets 
 about his ears, blue eyes, Grecian nose, simpering mouth, 
 with a dimple on each side, very regular pearly teeth, and 
 incipient moustache on his upper lip, and a very incipient 
 imperial on a very pretty unshaved chin. In stature he 
 was about the middle height, five feet ten or so, thin, with 
 a deal of action in his legs and backbone ; indeed, he had a 
 considerable cross of the dancing-master in him, and was 
 considered one of the best " goers " at Almack's or the 
 Palace. In short, he was a pretty Jemmy Jessamy sort of 
 fellow. 
 
 Now, this sort of man is generally desperately disliked by 
 their own sex, particularly by the hirsute, rasping, bull- 
 finching breed of fox-hunters; and just in proportion as 
 men are abused by each other, they are petted and praised 
 by the women particularly if they are marquises, and in 
 the market. 
 
 Accordingly, our hero stood as an "A I " lady-killer in 
 London ; and that being the case, our readers may imagine 
 what a desperate man he would be in the country. Indeed, 
 these sort of fellows ought not to be allowed to go about 
 unmuzzled (that is to say, without a wife), for country girls 
 are monstrous inflammatory, and having little choice beyond 
 the curate and the apothecary's apprentice, are ready to 
 worry anything in the shape of a man to say nothing of 
 a lord a handsome Marquis beyond all conception. Then 
 the greasy novels put such notions into their heads. We 
 really believe they think the great people go into the 
 country for wives, just as the Cockneys go to Kensington 
 for strawberries and cabbages ; and that there is nothing 
 of the sort to be had in London. Unfortunately for rural 
 belles, London beaux look upon them in quite a different 
 light. They consider them a sort of strop to keep the razor 
 of their palaverment fresh against the return of another 
 London season, and think they may go any length short of 
 absolutely offering ; and that the girls wash the slates of 
 their memories just as they wash their own on passing
 
 HILLIXGDO^ HALL. 95 
 
 Hyde Park, down Portland Place, or by the Elephant and 
 Castle, on their way back to town. The Marquis of Bray 
 was just one of this sort. He knew perfectly well the 
 Duke would no more think of letting him marry anything 
 below a Duke's daughter, than he would think of sending 
 him off for a trip in one of Mr. Henson's air carriages ; and 
 being well assured of that fact, he thought the girls must 
 know it also, and would just take his small talk for what it 
 was meant. Moreover, the Marquis having had the un- 
 speakable misfortune of being brought up at home, had 
 conceived the not at all unnatural idea that the world was 
 chiefly made for him, and that he might do whatever he 
 liked with impunity. No greater misfortune surely can 
 befall a young man than such an education ; and lucky it 
 is that so few of them get it. Eton knocks and Eton kicks 
 save many a " terrible high-bred " lad (as the Epsom race- 
 list sellers describe the horses) from ruin. 
 
 But we must get the Marquis downstairs. Behold him, 
 then, in his blue coat aforesaid, with a delicate bouquet in 
 the button-hole a most elaborately-tied white cravat, the 
 folds of the tie nestling among six small point-lace frills of 
 an exquisitely embroidered lawn shirt front over a pink silk 
 under-waistcoat, and diamond studs of immense value, chained 
 with Lilliputian chains his waistcoat of cerulean blue satin, 
 worked with heart's-ease, buttoned with buttons of enormous 
 bloodstones, the surface of the waistcoat traversed with 
 Venetian chains and diminutive seals pink silk stockings, 
 and pumps gliding into the drawing-room, with an airy 
 noiseless tread, and a highly scented, much-embroidered, 
 lace-trimmed handkerchief in his hand. How he bowed ! 
 how he smiled ! how he showed his teeth ! He was so 
 d d polite, you'd have thought he'd got among a party 
 of emperors, instead of among all the John Browns of the 
 neighbourhood. Then the old Duke, like all blunder- 
 headed men, being monstrously afraid lest his son should 
 make mistakes, must needs take him in hand, and introduce 
 him to those he didn't know. " Jeems, my dear ! " cried 
 he, as the elastic back began to slacken in its salaams round 
 the awe-stricken circle, " come here, and let me introduce
 
 96 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 you to our excellent friend, Mr. Jorrocks, who's been kind 
 enough to come all the way from from from to dine 
 with us." 
 
 " To dine and stay all night, your Greece," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks to the Duke, letting fall his coat laps, preparatory 
 to offering his hand to the Marquis. 
 
 The Marquis bowed and grinned, and laid his hand upon 
 his heart, as if perfectly overcome by the honour proudest 
 moment of his life ! 
 
 "Where I dine I sleep, and where I sleep I breakfast, 
 your Greece," observed Mr. Jorrocks, resuming his position, 
 finding it impossible to compete with the Marquis in bows. 
 
 "Let me introduce you to Mrs. Jorrocks," said the 
 Duke, taking his son by the arm, and leading him up to the 
 plume, the bearer of which rose and bobbed and curtsied 
 till the Duke and Marquis passed on to Emma, whom the 
 Duke introduced as Miss Jorrocks ; and the Marquis 
 thinking she seemed more like the thing than any one else 
 in the room, continued to bow and simper and shuffle before 
 her, leaving the Duke to finish the circuit alone, and bear 
 up before the now triumphant and all-gratified Mrs. Flather 
 who was listening to the painful recital of how Mrs. 
 Smith's little girl had got two double teeth, and how her 
 brother George had gone through the whole of 
 
 " Whene'er I take my walks abroad, 
 How many poor I see ! " 
 
 without a single mistake or wrong pronunciation. 
 
 The author of " Cecil," we think, says there is nothing so 
 difficult of settlement (except a pipe of port), as a peer's 
 eldest son ; and some other conjurer says, it is less difficult 
 to arrange a party of duchesses than a string of justices' 
 wives. On this occasion it certainly was so. Notwith- 
 standing the Duchess had done all she could to drum into 
 the Duke's dull head how they were to go, his natural 
 obtuseness and self-sufficiency made him confound them all 
 together; and at the moment that the folding-doors were 
 thrown open, and dinner announced, he knew no more than 
 the man in the moon whether Mrs. Hamilton Dobbin's
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 97 
 
 husband, or Mrs. Grumbleton's, were first on the commission, 
 or whether Jorrocks or Jenkins had most votes at command. 
 Indeed, he forgot which was Mrs. Jorrocks ; at all events, 
 he went bolt up to Mrs. Flather, who could by no possibility 
 do them any good ; and the Marquis having reconnoitred 
 the room, and satisfied himself that Miss Hamilton Dobbin 
 and all the Miss Smiths were infinitely inferior to the model 
 of propriety, offered her his arm in the most supplicating 
 manner, and tripped through the now greatly agitated group 
 with an air as though he were leading her out to a dance 
 instead of a dinner. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, thinking there seemed likely to be a good 
 deal of bother in the arrangement of couples, very con- 
 siderately tendered his arm to the Duchess, to the exclusion 
 of Lord Aubrey, and a couple of Honourables ; and the two 
 having got in the rear of the flock, drove them " pell mell " 
 before them, some with their neighbours' wives, some with 
 their own, some without anybody's wives at all. 
 
 The Marquis being much out of practice, was glad of an 
 opportunity of rubbing up his small talk, especially with a 
 girl who did not look sheepish, and be-lord and be-lordship 
 him as country dowdies are in the habit of doing. Indeed, 
 before he had got through his soup, he found that Emma 
 was quite a " half-way meet " sort of girl ; and looking upon 
 everything below a nobleman's daughter as fair game, he 
 began to make play very strong. 
 
 Of course the conversation began about flowers. Flowers 
 in the country, fancy-balls in London. Fancy-balls are safe 
 specs : they are within the reach of every one. 
 
 " Was she fond of a garden ? " Oh, Emma doted upon 
 a garden ! Nothing she liked so much as running about 
 with her watering-pot, picking up daisies, pulling up weeds, 
 tying up roses. " Was the Marquis fond of flowers ? " 
 
 " He adored them ! " at the same time diving his nose into 
 his bouquet. 
 
 Emma admired them. 
 
 " Would she allow him to present her with one ? " 
 
 Emma pressed it to her lips, and put it into her bosom. 
 We forgot to say that the pink satin was made with a peak. 
 
 G
 
 9 8 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 Then they talked about horses. Was Emma fond of 
 riding ? Oh, nothing she liked so much ! just riding about 
 the country alone, wherever fancy led her. 
 
 " Alone ! " rejoined the Marquis ; " you should always 
 have a gentleman with you." He liked sauntering along 
 a green lane, with a pretty girl in a nice tight-fitting habit, 
 and a well-set-on hat not those confounded butter-and- 
 eggs-poke sort of bonnets country misses rode the family 
 horse about in. Then he asked Emma to take wine,, and 
 gave her a look as he bowed, that as much as said, "You 
 are the girl for me." 
 
 Meanwhile the Duke, having exhausted his small talk 
 with Mrs. Flather, and made as many blunders as he could 
 during the time they had been together, began to look 
 up the table to see whom he should inflict his politeness 
 upon. Mr. Jorrocks's sky-blue coat and rubicund visage 
 forming an attractive feature at the top of the table, pro- 
 cured the honour of a holloa from the Duke's voice, who had 
 good lungs, and made free use of them. 
 
 " Pray, Mr. Jorrocks," roared he, " how old are you ? " 
 
 " Please your Greece, I'm fefty-five," replied Mr. Jorrocks, 
 knocking half-a-dozen years off at a blow. 
 
 " Indeed ! " exclaimed the Duke, " quite a young man ! 
 may live these twenty years yet ! " 
 
 " I intend so, your Greece ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Take a glass of wine, Mr. Jorrocks ! " 
 
 "With all my 'eart, your Greece champagne, if you 
 
 " Pray, Mr. Jorrocks, who was your mother ? " inquired 
 his Grace, after he had bowed and drank off his wine. 
 
 " Please your Greece, my mother was a washerwoman." 
 
 " A washerwoman, indeed ! " exclaimed his Grace " that's 
 very odd I like washerwomen nice, clean, wholesome 
 people I wish my mother had been a washerwoman." 
 
 " I vish mine had been a duchess," replied Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 Mrs. Flather, who sat on the Duke's right, on the 
 opposite side of the table to that at which Emma and the
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 99 
 
 Marquis were planted, was in ecstacies at the apparent 
 prosperity of the scheme. Scheme indeed, she thought, 
 it could hardly be called, seeing it was a mutual arrange- 
 ment the Duke taking her, the Marquis taking Emma, 
 and so on. The consequence was, Mrs. Flather felt far 
 more at ease, and underwent far less trepidation than her 
 opposite neighbour, Mrs. Thomas Chambers, who would 
 have given anything to have been restoring her old spangled 
 turban to the band-box, for another twelvemonth's slumber. 
 A country turban lasts for ever. Meanwhile the Duke 
 chattered, and talked, and eat, and drank, and called people 
 by their wrong names ; and as the wine began to operate, 
 confidence began to creep in, and before the sweets com- 
 menced their circuits, neighbours began plucking up courage 
 sufficient to ask each other to wine; and the popping of 
 champagne corks formed a pleasing variety to the chatter 
 and clatter of the table. 
 
 So the dinner progressed. 
 
 The Marquis's left-hand neighbour, Mrs. Tomkins, having 
 at length found her tongue, and got into the midst of a 
 most interesting, oft-repeated ramble, about a ragged-coated 
 man, who had knocked at their door, and asked for some 
 cold chicken and punch, the Marquis and Emma went at it 
 harder than ever, a listener always acting as a clog on the 
 free vent of conversation, as Mr. Jorrocks and Mrs. Flather 
 had found in the morning. 
 
 " Have you much gaiety in your part of the world ? " 
 asked the Marquis ; " many balls, many parties ? " 
 
 " Oh dear no," replied Emma, " we are shockingly dull." 
 
 " Short of beaux, perhaps ? " observed the Marquis. 
 
 " Indeed, we haven't such a thing in our part of the 
 country : there are only five young men at Sellborough, and 
 four of them are engaged." 
 
 " And you have bespoken the fifth, I suppose." 
 
 " Not J, indeed" replied Emma, with a toss of the head. 
 
 " But are there no officers ? surely it's a garrison town." 
 
 " It's a new regiment," observed Emma ; " besides, you 
 know, we are a good way from the town. We never see 
 such a thing as a redcoat in our little village, except
 
 ioo HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 perhaps a stray fox-hunter, now and then asking his way. 
 Do you hunt ? " 
 
 " G-od forbid ! " replied the Marquis, with a shake of his 
 head and shrug of his shoulders, for he had gone out once, 
 and soon found himself in a wet ditch, with his horse on 
 the top of him. 
 
 " I hate fox-hunters," observed Emma, half to herself and 
 half to the Marquis. 
 
 " Horrid fellows ! " ejaculated the dandy. " It seems a 
 sort of uncivilised process, fit only for heavy dragoons, and 
 flying artillery men. By the way, though, your pa is a 
 fox-hunter, is not he ? " continued the Marquis, looking 
 significantly at Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " He's not my pa," observed Emma, somewhat discon- 
 certed, more at the unfavourable aspect it threw on affairs 
 than any shock the insinuation occasioned her feelings. 
 
 " But didn't my pa introduce you as Miss Jorrocks ? " 
 inquired the Marquis. 
 
 " It's not the case for all that," observed Emma tartly, 
 "my name is Flather; that is my mamma sitting beside 
 the Duke." 
 
 " True ! " observed the Marquis, " how stoopid I am. 
 Lor', I know your ma as well as I know myself. Your pa, 
 too, I knew, poor man. Well, but tell me now about the 
 old boy in the sky-blue and yellow shorts the fireman's 
 or Thames waterman's uniform, in fact. Isn't he some 
 relation ? Your uncle, or something ? " 
 
 " Mr. Jorrocks, allow me the honour of taking wine with 
 you," continued he, seeing his eyeing had attracted our 
 hero's attention. 
 
 " Champagne, if you please ! " replied Mr Jorrocks. 
 
 " No, he's no relation whatever," replied Emma, " only a 
 neighbour." 
 
 " He seems a desperate old quiz," observed the Marquis, 
 putting down his glass, after touching his lips with it. " I 
 wonder what he'd take for his wig." 
 
 " Vulgar old man," said Emma, " but country life makes 
 us acquainted with strange companions." 
 
 " You are a great fox-hunter, I understand, Mr. Jorrocks,"
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 101 
 
 screamed his Gi'ace, down the table. " Have you killed 
 many foxes this summer ? " 
 
 " No, your Greece, we don't 'unt in the summer," replied 
 Mr. Jorrocks, with a slight curl of his upper lip "farm i' 
 the summer, fox i' the winter, that's the ticket." 
 
 " True ! " rejoined his Grace, " I'm glad you're a farmer 
 am a great one myself prize bull, prize pig, prize ram, prize 
 turnip, prize spade should like to talk to you about farming." 
 
 " Nitrate o' sober ! guano ! sub-soilin' ! Smith o' Dean- 
 ston ! top dressin' wi' soot, and all that sort o' thing ! ' 
 added Mr. Jorrocks. "Shall be 'appy to take wine with 
 your Greece." 
 
 " With all my heart," replied the Duke. " What shall 
 we have ? " 
 
 " Champagne, if you please," said Mr. Jorrocks ; adding, 
 in an audible whisper to himself, " can get sherry at 'ome." 
 
 "The Duke don't 'unt, I think," observed Mr. Jorrocks 
 to the Duchess, setting down his glass with a thump that 
 almost broke the slender stalk. "Wish he'd got some 
 'ounds; winter'll be dull without them knows a man with 
 five-and-twenty couple to dispose on fifteen couple o' dogs, 
 and ten couple o' betches no offence, my lady," added he, 
 with a bow and shake of the head, " ketch is female dog." 
 
 The sweets were now in full swing. Mrs. Flather sat on 
 thorns as the dishes were taken to Emma ; and she helped 
 herself in succession to pastry, jellies, creams, tipsey cakes, 
 and all sorts of trash. 
 
 Oh, how she grieved for the loss of the buns, and 
 dreaded the effect on the complexion in the morning ! In 
 vain she tried to catch the model's eye she either would 
 not see her, or was too absorbed with the sweets on her 
 plate, or the sweet things the Marquis was saying to her, 
 and eat and crammed away in a most determined way. 
 Fortunately, the Marquis was a spoon-food man, and having 
 been laying back for the sweets, was too busy "dieting" 
 himself, as the Poor-Law people call it, to pay much attention 
 to his neighbour. At length both Emma and the Marquis 
 got surfeited, and the latter having let off the old piece of 
 sentiment " about sweets to the sweet " as Emma magnani-
 
 io2 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 mously declined a third offer of Maraingues, again took 
 wine with her ; and laying his napkin across his legs, turned 
 slightly in his chair, and began whispering soft nothings in 
 her ear 
 
 " Was she fond of dancing ? " 
 
 " Oh ! she delighted in dancing ! " 
 
 " Would she be in London next spring ? " 
 
 Emma feared not oh ! she should like it so much but 
 she had nobody to take her. 
 
 She should get her ma ; everybody should go to London 
 in the spring, Paris in the autumn, Italy in the winter. 
 Almack's was not what it was, still the rooms were good, 
 and the floor excellent. The little anteroom was so nice 
 for platonics his ma was a patroness. Did she know the 
 Princess of Quackenbruck ? 
 
 (How could the poor girl ? But these London chaps 
 always fancy that everybody knows whom they do.) Well, 
 the Princess Orel Quackenbruck was going to be married to 
 Lord Plantagenet Hay, the Duke of Drossington's son. Did 
 she know Taget Hay ? 
 
 (How the devil should she ?) 
 
 Well, he understood it was all settled. Indeed he knew 
 it was ; for he had it from Storr & Mortimer, who had 
 been sending him down some pattern wristband studs that 
 morning, and the diamonds were ordered there fifteen 
 thousand pounds' worth no great quantity, to be sure, but 
 then she would come in for the family ones at last. His 
 ma's diamonds were worth forty thousand. 
 
 Emma wondered when they would be hers. 
 
 "Matrimony seems all the rage just now," observed the 
 Marquis, breaking off in the middle of his strawberry ice, 
 " Lord George Noodleton wants to marry Miss Dumps, the 
 banker's daughter, but his pa won't hear of it unless old 
 Dumps, will come down with a hundred thousand pounds." 
 
 " Mercenary" creature ! " exclaimed Emma, stuffing her 
 mouth as full as ever it would hold. 
 
 The Marquis then rehearsed several weddings that had
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 103 
 
 taken place among his friends during the previous year, 
 to all of which Emma listened with the greatest interest ; 
 for though she had never heard the names before, still there 
 is a something about weddings, high or low, that all women 
 like to listen to, and the Marquis having about exhausted 
 his stock of matrimonial reminiscences, observed casually, as 
 he drank off his glass of sherry, that all the world seemed 
 marrying mad, and he supposed it would be "their turn 
 next." 
 
 Just then the Duchess gave the signal, and Emma rose, 
 with a maiden blush upon her maiden cheeks, having, as 
 she considered, all but captured the coronet.
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 " Look on this picture and on that. 1 " 
 
 EATHER difficult passage in our history now 
 draws near namely, what the ladies did when 
 they got back to the drawing-room at Donkey- 
 ton Castle. In these points authors disclose 
 their sex. A lady would be great here, whereas we of the 
 breeches, at least legitimately of the breeches, are " quite 
 out." In this dilemma we inquired of a female friend, who 
 happened to be teaing with our grandmamma (a most 
 remarkable old lady of eighty-three, who reads without 
 specs), what ladies did when they retired from the dining- 
 room. " Oh," said she, " they generally go to the fire, 
 dawdle and stand about a little, and then sit down and talk 
 scandal." 
 
 We will then, gentle reader, with your permission, sup- 
 pose the fire, and standing about part done, and that the 
 ladies are pairing off, or grouping for the scandal stakes. 
 Emma, who could hardly contain herself, and had given 
 sundry nods, and made several significant grimaces at her 
 mamma, all indicative of " I've done it" now got to her, and 
 giving her a most loving squeeze of the elbow, whispered in 
 her ear, "All right" 
 
 " All right, my dear ! what d'you mean ? " inquired Mrs. 
 Flather. 
 
 " All right" repeated Emma, with a most triumphant 
 smile. 
 
 " You don't say so ! " exclaimed Mrs. Flather, in a some- 
 what louder tone. " Has he offered ? " 
 
 "Have you seen these beautiful views of Copley Field-
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL 105 
 
 ing's ? " inquired the Duchess, with one of those bugbears of 
 company-making, a portfolio of drawings. What iniquitous 
 work that is. The Duchess had set three groups to their 
 books, just as a jailor would set his prisoners to their task 
 work. Indeed, we think the prisoners have the best of it, 
 for they see what they have to do ; while, in a case of this 
 sort, you must reckon on having to run the gauntlet of all 
 the portfolios in circulation, without knowing how many 
 more there may be in reserve. 
 
 Oh, Emma was " so obliged " " there was nothing she 
 liked so much as drawings scenery of all things." So the 
 Duchess, having pushed her into a chair, and placed her 
 mother beside her, went and got Mrs. Hamilton Dobbin to 
 join the party to make up the trio, and left them to the 
 enjoyment of their intellectual treat. How Mrs. Flather 
 wished Mrs. Hamilton Dobbin at home. Here let us leave 
 them for a time. 
 
 The ladies being comfortably swept out, and the cham- 
 pagne having supplied a certain degree of animation and 
 confidence, the gentlemen drew towards the Duke with less 
 apparent embarrassment than had marked their approaches 
 during the earlier part of the evening. Mr. Jorrocks, 
 whose maxim of " Perfect ease being perfect gentility " 
 never allowed him to feel out of his element, having got 
 rid of the Duchess, took his napkin and large wine-glass 
 (very large it was too), and strutting to the other end of the 
 room, planted himself most consequentially on the right of 
 the Duke, to the great relief of Mr. Thomas Chambers, who, 
 but for him, would have been driven into that dangerous 
 position on the retirement of Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Veil, your Greece, and 'ow d'ye feel arter your feed ? " 
 inquired Mr. Jorrocks, sousing himself into one of the soft 
 capacious arm-chairs with which the table was encircled. 
 " I reckon I've had an unkimmon good tuck-out." 
 
 " Ah ! I'm glad to hear you say so, Mr. Mr. Mr. 
 Jorrocks ; very glad to hear you say so," replied the Duke. 
 " Nice dinner good dinner very good dinner monstrous 
 good dinner, indeed." 
 
 " And good eatin' requires good drinkin', I always says,
 
 106 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 your Greece," observed Mr. Jorrocks, jingling his wine-glass 
 against his buttons. 
 
 " Ah, true ! " exclaimed his Grace, laughing at the hint, 
 and throwing back his white head, " good eating does re- 
 quire good drinking," so saying, he helped himself to a 
 bumper of claret, and passed the bottles. "Here's your 
 good health, Mr. Jorrocks, I'm very happy to see you 
 monstrous happy to see you. And so you are a great 
 fox-hunter ? Glad of that fine amusement fox-hunting 
 monstrous fine amusement. I remember Burke saying he 
 would willingly bring in a bill to make poaching felony, 
 another to encourage the breed of foxes that he would 
 make, in short, any sacrifice to the humour and prejudices 
 of the country gentlemen in their most extraordinary form, 
 provided he could only prevail upon them to live at home. 
 Fine speech of Burke's ; monstrous fine speech." 
 
 " He was 'ung for all that," observed Mr. Jorrocks to 
 himself, with a knowing shake of the head, as he availed 
 himself of the opportunity of the bottles coming round 
 again to take a " back-hand " at the port. 
 
 His Grace then had a word or two with Mr. Tugwell and 
 afterwards with Mr. Grumbleton, but being unable to get 
 more than "Yes, my Lord Duke," and "No, my Lord 
 Duke," out of either of them, he soon returned to his 
 voluble neighbour, Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " You're a great farmer, aren't you, Mr. Jorrocks ? " 
 asked the Duke "tell me now, have you an Agricultural 
 Association at your place ? Prize for the best bull, best 
 cow, best ram, best two-year-old tup ? " 
 
 "Vy, no, I doesn't think we 'ave, your Greece," replied 
 Mr. Jorrocks, " and I think if we had, they'd a been at 
 me for a subscription town and country's werry much 
 alike in that respect never lose nothin' for want of axin' 
 I minds" 
 
 " Well, but you should get up an Agricultural Associa- 
 tion," interrupted the Duke. " Independently of the good 
 it does in promoting neat and scientific farming, it's a good 
 thing for getting acquainted with the farmers keeping 
 your interest together you understand. Good thing,
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 107 
 
 indeed capital good thing monstrous good thing," added 
 the Duke, rubbing* his hands, and laughing at his own 
 cunning. 
 
 " / twig ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks, with a wink. " True 
 "blue ! Please yourselves, genl'men, but if you don't please 
 ine, I'll make you haw, haw, haw. Bum world this we 
 live in, your Greece werry rum world, indeed. I'll have 
 a Hagricultural 'Sociation though. President, Mr. Jorrocks 
 or say, President, Duke o' Donkeyton. Wice-President, 
 Mr. Jorrocks." 
 
 " Very proud of the honour, I'm sure," replied the Duke, 
 bowing very low, and shaking his head over his plate as 
 though he were quite overcome " monstrous proud indeed. 
 But I'm getting old, Mr. Jorrocks, I'm getting old suppose 
 you take Jeems it's more in his way." 
 
 " With all my 'eart," replied Mr. Jorrocks ; " he don't 
 look much like a farmer, though. President, the Markiss 
 o' Bray Wice-President, Mr. Jorrocks that'll sound well, 
 and look well in the papers too ; call it the 'lllingdon 
 'Sociation, and have it at our place dine in a tent dance 
 in a barn band in open hair school-gals to skip. Or sheep- 
 shearin' i' the mornin', tea i' the evenin' ball for the ladies 
 'ands across and back again, down the middle and hup 
 again." Mr. Jorrocks suiting the action to the word, 
 bumping about on his chair and crossing his arms as if he 
 were at work. 
 
 "Very good !" exclaimed the Duke; " extremely good ! 
 monstrous good, indeed but you must instruct as well as 
 amuse encourage science, experiments, chemistry; teach 
 them the virtue and use of manures." 
 
 " Guano ! nitrate o' sober ! soot ! and all that sort o' 
 thing," interrupted Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Farmers are a long way behind the intelligence of the 
 day ; a monstrous long way," continued the Duke, " too 
 much of ' what my father did, I'll do ' style about them. They 
 want brushing up. You take yours in hand, Mr. Jorrocks 
 make them drain." 
 
 " Smith o' Deanston ! Tweeddale tile ! furrow dramin' ! " 
 exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks.
 
 los HILLIXGDO:N T HALL. 
 
 "Apply their land to proper purposes," continued his 
 Grace, " don't force it to grow crops that it has no taste 
 for much may be done in the way of judicious management. 
 For instance, where land won't grow corn, try trees much 
 of the land in this county is too poor for agricultural pur- 
 poses would grow wood well. All the pine tribe flourish 
 in this country and pay well for planting ; very well indeed ; 
 monstrous well." 
 
 " Grand things they are too ! " observed Mr. Jorrocks 
 aloud to himself, thinking of the pine-apple he'd had before 
 dinner ; " I'll teach them a trick or two," added he, " pine 
 dodge in particklar address them ' Frinds and fellow- 
 countrymen ! ' " throwing out his arm and hitting Mr. 
 Thomas Chambers a crack in the eye, and so closing the 
 conversation for the moment. 
 
 The Marquis of Bray, not being a great man for his 
 liquor, took advantage of the commotion to throw up his 
 napkin and steal out of the room to the ladies. These he 
 found in full employment : three groups of three, looking 
 at pictures ; the Duchess knitting a purse and superin- 
 tending the portfolios, occasionally addressing a word to her 
 toady, or " companion," as the poor devils are called, in 
 derision one would think, for they are generally less thought 
 of than the lapdog ; while Mrs. Smith inflicted a recital of 
 how her little boy had gone through 
 
 " Whene'er I take my walks abroad, 
 Ho\v many poor I see ! " 
 
 without a single error or wrong pronunciation, upon Mrs. 
 Somebody whom she had inveigled into a corner for the 
 purpose. 
 
 The butterfly Marquis having saluted the Duchess with 
 a kiss, fluttered away to chatter to the ladies ; who all 
 thought it " so nice " of him coming in so soon. The first 
 group was a turbaned one, busy with Colonel Batty's Swiss 
 Views. The Marquis didn't stay long with it, but glided 
 into the middle of the room where Emma sat between her 
 mamma and Mrs. Hamilton Dobbin, turning over a portfolio 
 of water-colour sketches, mother and daughter most heartily
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 109 
 
 wishing Mrs. Hamilton Dobbin further. Nor did the 
 Marquis's approach at all disconcert Mrs. Dobbin, for she 
 had known him from a boy, and perhaps had not established 
 to her own satisfaction that he was anything else yet. 
 Living near the Castle, and knowing the awe in which the 
 neighbourhood held the family, the idea of such a thing 
 as the Marquis marrying a girl like Emna Flather never 
 entered her head, or, indeed, the idea of any girl being 
 foolish enough to think of such a thing ; consequently, 
 instead of drawing out her chair to let him into the centre, 
 she merely moved a little nearer Emma, and kept the 
 Marquis outside. Mrs. Flather immediately counteracted 
 the movement by rising and joining another group, and 
 the Marquis presently sidled into her seat. The impertur- 
 bable Mrs. Hamilton Dobbin remained rooted to her chair. 
 The Marquis then began chattering, and turning over the 
 drawings. " Was Emma a painter ? " 
 
 "Only a very middling one she doted on pictures 
 though." 
 
 The Marquis dared say she was a very good one. 
 " Oh no, she wasn't ! Nobody about them cared for 
 drawing but her." 
 
 "Oh, that was a pity," replied the Marquis. His pa 
 and his ma were both great artists. " My pa did that" 
 continued he, holding up a picture. 
 
 " Oh ! how beautiful ! " exclaimed Emma. 
 " My ma did that" added he, producing another. 
 " Oh ! how beautiful ! " repeated Emma. 
 " My pa and ma did that between them," continued he, 
 producing a third. 
 
 " Oh ! how beautiful ! " reiterated Emma. 
 Meanwhile the guests came dropping in from the dining- 
 room, each with considerably more confidence than he felt 
 on arriving, and Mr. Jorrocks and the Duke at length were 
 the only two that remained still they talked about farming, 
 until a stranger would have thought they were the only 
 two people that knew anything about the matter, instead 
 of one being a mere theorist and the other a mere fool 
 we beg pardon we mean in farming. Indeed, the
 
 no HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 Duke of Donkeyton might be called more than a theorist, 
 for he had some most extraordinary notions about farming 
 and the management of property a system so peculiar 
 that it generally ended in beggaring the tenants and 
 impoverishing his estates. Still he chattered and talked 
 so glibly, that poor Mr. Jorrocks was thoroughly convinced 
 he was a most " wide-awake " farmer ; and what with the 
 wine and what with the twaddle, he got a brainful of most 
 confused ideas. The dominant idea, however, was that 
 farmers were all asleep, and scientific farming was the only 
 thing to make money of. 
 
 " Allow me to give you a toast, your Greece ? " inquired 
 Mr. Jorrocks every time the decanters came to a stand, and 
 his Grace dabbled in his finger glass, or applied the napkin 
 to his lips, symptomatic of going. 
 
 " With all my heart, Mr. Jorrocks." 
 
 " I'll give The 'Ulingdon 'Sociation and the 'ealth o' the 
 Markiss o' Bray, again ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks. (This 
 was the third time he had given it.) 
 
 " Thank ye, Mr. Jorrocks, most kindly Jeems I'm sure 
 will be most flattered when I tell him of this repeated mark 
 of your attachment." 
 
 " Not at all," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " not at all werry 
 fine young man werry fine young man indeed werry 
 like my frind, James Green, of Tooley Street. Perhaps 
 your Greece doesn't know Green o' Tooley Street." 
 
 His Grace did not. 
 
 i 
 
 " Allow me to give your Greece another toast ? " 
 
 " With great pleasure, Mr. Jorrocks." 
 
 " It must be a bamper," observed Mr. Jorrocks, drinking 
 off his heel-taps, and filling his goblet as full as it would 
 hold. 
 
 His Grace did the like. 
 
 " I'll give you the 'ealth o' the Duchess o' Donkeyton," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks. "Her Greece has given us a 
 most capital dinner, and your Greece has given us a most 
 excellent drink : " so saying, Mr. Jorrocks quaffed off his 
 tumbler.
 
 HTLUNTGDON HALL. in 
 
 "Thank ye (hiccup), Mr. Jorrocks," replied his Grace.. 
 "The (hiccup) Duchess, I am sure, will be (hiccup) most 
 proud of the (hiccup) honour, which I'll tell her (hiccup) 
 directly when " 
 
 " But drink off your lush," observed Mr. Jorrocks, seeing 
 his Grace sat with the bumper before him " wine first 
 speech arterwards " added he, as if in explanation. 
 
 " True ! " observed his Grace, laughing " thank ye, 
 Mr. (hiccup) Jorrocks, for the hint capital (hiccup) hint 
 monstrous (hiccup) good (hiccup) hint." So saying, his 
 Grace drained off the glass, and set it down with the face 
 of a man who has taken a black draught. 
 
 " Now, if your (hiccup) Greece has anything to (hiccup) 
 say, we shall be 'appy to 'ear it (hiccup)," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks. 
 
 "Thank you, Mr. (hiccup) Jorrocks," replied his Grace. 
 "I can't (hiccup) express the (hiccup) obligation I'm 
 (hiccup) under to you (hiccup). Shall we (hiccup) have a 
 little (hiccup) coffee ? " 
 
 " Jest (hiccup) bazz the bottle (hiccup) ! " exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, holding it up to the light, " there's (hiccup) only 
 jest a glass apiece (hiccup) ! " So saying, Mr. Jorrocks 
 helped himself and then the Duke, measuring the quantity 
 out most equitably. " There's (hiccup) honesty ! " hiccuped 
 Mr. Jorrocks, banging the decanter down in the stand. 
 " No (hiccup) drucken man (hiccup) could do that (hiccup), 
 I guess." 
 
 The Duke looked at his glass as if it contained poison, 
 and turned very green. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks having drunk his wine off, washed his 
 mouth out, and ran the pocket comb through his whiskers, 
 set off for the drawing-room, leaving the Duke, as he said, 
 to " put the bottle ends away if he liked." 
 
 " Holloa (hiccup), Mister Jorrocks ! " hiccuped our hero, 
 finding his legs didn't carry him as straight as they ought, 
 and he bumped with his shoulder against the door-post. 
 " Holloa there ! " Mr. Jorrocks then got his land legs and 
 proceeded.
 
 ii2 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 Towards ten o'clock the groom of the chamber whispered 
 a reprieve in the ears of divers of the male guests, who 
 were all suddenly seized with a desire of looking at their 
 watches, and wondering what sort of a night it was. This 
 is a question that great people do not understand, thinking 
 (like the little Princess who wondered that people should 
 starve when there were such nice buns to be had for a penny) 
 that every one keeps a close carriage. 
 
 If the Duke had gone to the door, he would have seen a 
 curious meUe of half- drunken, three-quarters drunken, whole 
 drunken servants and post-boys, exchanging compliments 
 and civilities with his accomplished domestics. Great men's 
 great men, butlers, and so on, being equal to the conveyance 
 of any given quantity of liquor, measure the capacities of 
 their rural brethren by their own, and without intending to 
 make them drunk or even perhaps thinking of doing so, 
 generally give them what makes them very nearly so. This 
 is a serious inconvenience to those outside the ring or who 
 do not, like Mr. Jorrocks, sleep where they dine, and break- 
 fast where they sleep. 
 
 There were such cuttings in and jostlings out, such 
 threats of running the shafts into each other's " chays," and 
 such exchange of country jokes among country Johns. Of 
 all abominations, save us from the impertinence of servants ! 
 the open impertinence at least, for few are totally free from 
 it, and talk of their masters and mistresses as though they 
 were something inferior to themselves. The drink fre- 
 quently brings it out. At Donkeyton Castle there was a 
 grand display. If a master had availed himself of the 
 sombre castle shadow reflected in the moonlight for diving 
 into the carriage ring, he might have heard his own char- 
 acter, and perhaps that of his wife, sketched with all the 
 fidelity of a Daguerreotype portrait. 
 
 Then, when the Jehus got their masters and mistresses 
 cooped into their melon frames and leathern inconveniences, 
 they began putting their boastings of the merits of their 
 respective steeds to the test, by setting off at a pace down 
 hill that perfectly terrified the inmates, and drove all the 
 observations they had made as* to how "things were done at
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 113 
 
 the Castle, clean out of their heads. Mr. Tugwell had been 
 charged by Mrs. Tugwell (who had got the influenza, and 
 could not come) to mind and see whether the butler handed 
 the wine about with a napkin or not ; Mr. Webb had been 
 especially ordered to see whether the footmen took off the 
 bread with a fork or a spoon, also how they got rid of the 
 crumbs ; and divers others had made knots in their minds 
 to pay particular attention to certain points, all of which 
 vanished as the jingling of the rattletraps, and the darting 
 disappearance of roadside objects, convinced them they were 
 getting run away with ; and the horrors of drowning, and 
 quarry tumbling, and dashing to pieces, with sundry acts of 
 omission and commission, darted across their minds, with a 
 velocity equalled only by their movements. Horrible work 
 getting run away with ! There is something humiliating in 
 the idea of getting into a one-horse booby hutch (booby 
 hutches they are well called, for a man does feel like a fool 
 riding in one), and committing oneself, and three per cent. 
 Consols, to the rash indiscretion of a half-fledged three- 
 quarters-drunken yokel, in black velveteens and baggy 
 Berlins. Talk of the jurisdiction of magistrates over 
 husbandly servants! What is the jurisdiction of magis- 
 trates over husbandry servants, compared to what it would 
 be if they had it over their own ? Every large house would 
 have a treadmill, and the parson, the lawyer, and the 
 apothecary, would club for one among them. On this night 
 it would have been in requisition, for Mr. Tugwell's boy, 
 having set down Mr. Webb, very coolly deposited his sleep- 
 ing master in the coach house, where he remained till the 
 morning. 
 
 There had been fine doings in the servants' hall and 
 housekeeper's room at Donkeyton Castle. Betsey, whose 
 propriety at least sobriety of conduct had never before 
 been impeached, evinced the hospitality of the establishment, 
 by a very confused statement of what a delightful evening 
 she had spent, and how the Markiss's gentleman had shown 
 her great attention, and asked her to wine twice during the 
 supper ; and how the servants upper servants at least 
 had wine twice a day, and how Benjamin had insisted upon 
 
 II
 
 ii 4 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 being among the upper servants swearing he was a " walefc 
 at 'ome ; " and how he had rooked them of their money at 
 cards, and won two pounds nine and sixpence. Indeed, the 
 wine being in, and the wit being out, Benjamin, contrary to 
 his usual custom, could not contain himself for his exploits, 
 and let out all to his master, he (Benjamin) having, in order 
 to sustain his character of valet, gone up to Mr. Jorrocks's 
 dressing-room at the time the other valets went to their 
 masters', under pretence of helping Mr. Jorrocks out of his 
 clothes. Lucky it was that he did so, for Mr. Jorrocks, having 
 soused himself on to a sumptuous sofa, had fallen fast asleep 
 when his trustworthy domestic entered and discovered him. 
 
 "Veil (hiccup), Binjimin," said Mr. Jorrocks, opening 
 one eye and cocking up a leg, " vot are you arter now ? 
 (hiccup). Marmeylad, I dare say." 
 
 " Please sir, did you ring ? " inquired Benjamin. 
 
 " Vy, no, (hiccup) Binjimin I didn't (hiccup) ring at 
 least not that I minds (hiccup) but here, turn (hiccup) 
 about, and let's have my (hiccup) tops off; for this 'ere 
 one's a pinchin' o' my (hiccup) corn ; " Mr. Jorrocks raising 
 a leg for a lever, and lifting the other to put between 
 Benjamin's legs, to make what sportsmen call a new- 
 fashioned boot-jack of the boy. 
 
 " Pleaz, sur, you harn't got your tops on," replied Benja- 
 min, knowing it was only a hunting day practice. 
 
 "Ah, (hiccup) veil, never mind (hiccup)," replied Mr. 
 Jorrocks, starting up, thinking he was falling from the sofa. 
 " They're my pamps, are they ? I thought I'd been out 
 an 'unting. Veil, left me up, I s'pose (hiccup) it's about 
 (hiccup) bed-time (hiccup)." 
 
 " Nigh wn ! " replied Benjamin. 
 
 " Nigh von ? " hiccuped Mr. Jorrocks ; " impossible, 
 (hiccup) Binjimin ! I've only jest (hiccup) come upstairs 
 (hiccup)." 
 
 " Nigh von for all that," replied Benjamin. " They keep 
 rum hours at these great shops. Never goes to bed afore 
 midnight." 
 
 " Queer coves," hiccuped Mr. Jorrocks, sitting up on the 
 sofa.
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 115 
 
 " Deed are they ! " replied Benjamin, " but I've put the 
 leak into some o' them great long lazy London Johnnies. 
 Won a 'atful o' money of them ! " 
 
 " 'Atful o' money 'ave you, (hiccup) Binjimin ? " hiccuped 
 Mr. Jorrocks, "that was (hiccup) werry clever (hiccup) o' 
 you you'll be a (hiccup) great -man, Binjimin (hiccup)." 
 
 "Yes, sir," said Benjamin. 
 
 " A werry (hiccup) great man," hiccuped Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 " (hiccup) sobriety and (hiccup) cleanliness are (hiccup) 
 great things in the world. Never (hiccup) degrade yourself, 
 Binjimin, to the (hiccup) level of a (hiccup) beast by 
 intemperance (hiccup). Drunkenness is a shockin' (hiccup) 
 sin. Drink (hiccup) will do nothin' (hiccup) for no man." 
 
 " Yes, sir," replied Benjamin, looking at his master. 
 
 "Where (hiccup) moderation dwells (hiccup), the mind 
 (hiccup) expands with mutual (hiccup) ardour (hiccup), and 
 all that sort o' thing (hiccup) ! " 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Benjamin. 
 
 " Then (hiccup), Binjimin, 'elp me out o' my (hiccup) 
 coat," rejoined Mr. Jorrocks, rising and extending an arm 
 to the boy. 
 
 Benjamin took hold of the sleeve, and in the jerk to 
 disengage himself of the garment, Mr. Jorrocks lost his 
 balance, and fell souse on the floor with Benjamin atop 
 of him.
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 O that men should put an enemy into their mouths 
 To steal away their brains ! " SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 [HE Duke of Donkeyton had a very bad headache 
 the next day, and could not come down to 
 breakfast. 
 
 Mrs. Flather was sorely disappointed at this, 
 for she got down early in hopes of a kiss from his Grace, by 
 way of sealing the bargain. This, we believe, is the usual 
 form in such matters. The young people kiss as a matter 
 of course, and the old ones do ditto, at least when both 
 parties are pleased with the match a thing of such un- 
 usual occurrence, as not to have happened in our recollection. 
 Emma had detailed to her mamma, with such few additions 
 as her fertile imagination supplied, all that had passed 
 between the Marquis and herself, particularly the tone, and 
 manner in which he made the observation or declaration, 
 and, above all, the exact degree of warmth with which he 
 squeezed her hand at bed-time. Young ladies, and young 
 gentlemen too, should be cautious in these matters young 
 gentlemen not to give utterance to ambiguous expressions 
 young ladies not to put interpretations upon words they are 
 not meant to convey. Had it not been that Emma, and 
 Emma's " ma," to whom Emma attributed superior sagacity 
 when it suited her convenience, had gone to Donkeyton 
 Castle, with the full conviction that the Duke and Duchess 
 wanted Emma for the Marquis, there would have been some- 
 thing ridiculous in their taking hold of such a commonplace 
 observation as " it will be our turn next," and construing 
 it into an offer of marriage; but when that impression,
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 117 
 
 together with the rusticity, and the " greasy novelling " of 
 the parties, is taken into consideration, we think our 
 indulgent readers will acquit us of taxing their credulity 
 beyond the stretch of literary latitudinarianship in stating 
 such to have been the case. 
 
 Moreover, there is another observation we wish to make 
 on the subject. Young ladies and mammas who have only 
 been accustomed to the jog-trot day-book and ledger court- 
 ship of common life, cannot imagine that all the empresse- 
 ments and soft nothings of high life are in fact " nothings" 
 but are apt to take them as the pure current coin of court- 
 ship, and contrasting the earnestness of the one with the 
 snoring sleepy-headedness of the other, fall into a very 
 excusable error in supposing a great deal more meant than 
 is really intended. 
 
 Fair ladies ; beware of the small talk of young gentle- 
 men in cerulean blue satin waistcoats worked with heart's- 
 ease, and pink pantaloons. 
 
 Mrs. Flather and Emma had little sleep that night. 
 Everything was talked over three or four times, and the 
 darting rays of the morning's sun found them talking still. 
 Mrs. Flather rose, and drawing the costly curtains, looked 
 out on the lovely landscape, wood and water, hill and dale, 
 with an eye of ownership. What a conquest ! Mrs. Trotter 
 would die of envy. Then Emma talked of the diamonds. 
 Told how the Marquis had said they cost fifty thousand 
 pounds. Then Mrs. Flather wondered how old the Duchess 
 was. If she could get into the library before breakfast she 
 would have a look in the " Peerage." Already the Duke and 
 Duchess began to be looked upon in the light of encum- 
 brances. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, who had one of those remarkable heads 
 that take very little harm from drink, came strutting into 
 the breakfast- room with his hands in the upper tier of the 
 diagonal Jorrockian jacket pockets, and the massive silk 
 tassels of his Hessian boots tapping against the leather as 
 he went, and found Mrs. Flather, bag in hand, pacing up 
 and down pretending to look at the pictures, but in reality 
 waiting for the arrival of the Duke. Mr. J. " was so glad
 
 n8 HILLINGDOtf HALL. 
 
 to see her ! Now that was werry kind of her," and there- 
 upon he gave her such a smack, as caused the footman, 
 who was coming in with the urn, to start and snicker out- 
 right. Mrs. Flather looked very black, inwardly resolving 
 to put the steady old gentleman to rights as soon as ever 
 she became a Marchioness's mother. 
 
 The guests then came dropping in, and presently the 
 Duchess and Jeems arrived, when salutations became general, 
 together with inquiries after the health of his Greece how 
 each had slept, and unanimous approval of the appearance 
 of the day " splendid weather ! " 
 
 The guests again ranged themselves to the now much 
 shortened table, each with a new neighbour, like the 
 survivors of a regiment after a battle, and tea and toast, 
 coffee and eggs, became the order of the day. 
 
 As the breakfast party were in full cry, the Duke of 
 Donkey ton made his appearance, looking very seedy, and 
 having made his circuit of politeness, drew up beside Mr. 
 Jorrocks, who was sitting next the Duchess, giving her a 
 lecture on the varieties of tea and the usual modes of 
 adulterating them, much to Mrs. Jorrocks's annoyance, who 
 sat looking as if she would eat him. 
 
 " Ah, Mr. Jorrocks, and how do you do ? " inquired his 
 Grace, stopping short at his over-night friend, who had a 
 plateful of cold meat, with a circle of muffin plates, toast 
 racks, sweet cakes, and egg-shells before him. 
 
 " Tol-lol, thank your Greece ; 'ow are you off for 'ealth ? " 
 replied Mr. Jorrocks, adding, " That last glass was rayther 
 too much for me ; howsomever, never mind I carried it 
 upstairs had a Seidlitz pooder this mornin', and am all 
 right again now. 'Ow's your Greece, I says ? " 
 
 " Thenk'ee, Mr. Jorrocks, thenk'ee ; I'm middling 
 pretty well, I thenk you I was imprudent enough to eat 
 a little lobster pat6, which I think has rather disagreed 
 with me." 
 
 " That's a bad job, your Greece," observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 diving his fork into three or four slices of cold ham, as the 
 footman brought the plate past him. " That's a werry bad 
 job," added he " I s'pose it's a complaint peculiar to 'igh
 
 HILLINGD03T HALL. 119 
 
 life though, for I see Cockle has almost every great name 
 in the kingdom down as patrons of his antibilious pills I 
 doesn't place much faith i' pills and physic. My frind, 
 Eoger Swizzle, says, eatin' does far more 'arm nor drinkin ' ! 
 Koger tries the drink at 'igh pressure too howsomever 
 you'll be better when you mend, as the nusses say to the 
 children. Here's a werry fine mornin', your Greece one 
 ought to have been among the dandylions, these two hours 
 us farmers should be early." 
 
 " Ah ! by the way, you're a great farmer," observed his 
 Grace, pricking his ears " delightful occupation, farming 
 monstrous nice occupation wish I'd been born a farmer." 
 
 " Wish I'd been born a duke," grunted Mr. Jorrocks, as he 
 stuffed a large piece of tongue into his mouth. 
 
 " Tell me now," continued his Grace, without noticing 
 Mr. Jorrocks's observation, "have you an Agricultural 
 Society about you ? Society for promoting science, agricul- 
 tural chemistry, improved farming ? Best cow, best bull, 
 best two-year-old horse ? " 
 
 " No, but I intend to, your Greece," replied Mr. Jorrocks, 
 " shall teach them a thing or two farmers are a long way 
 behind the intelligence o' the age, your Greece." 
 
 " That's just what / say, Mr. Jorrocks ! " replied his 
 Grace ; "that's just what / say ! " repeated he. " Too much of 
 ' what my father did I do,' style about them want brush- 
 ing up : you take yours in hand, Mr. Jorrocks make them 
 drain." 
 
 " Drainin's a grand diskivery, your Greece. It's the 
 foundation of all agricultural improvement." (Mr. J. 
 borrowed that idea from Johnny Wopstraw.) 
 
 " That's what / say, Mr. Jorrocks," replied his Grace. 
 
 "Veil, and I say it too" rejoined Mr. Jorrocks, with a 
 ierk of his head, as much as to say he would not be done 
 out of his idea. He then began his third egg. 
 
 " Smith o' Deanston should be knighted," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, as he put in the salt. 
 
 " A 'baronetcy wouldn't be too much," replied his Grace ; 
 " greatest benefactor the world ever saw makes two blades 
 grow where one grew before monstrous benefactor."
 
 i2o HILLIXGDOX HALL 
 
 " Guano ! nitrate o' sober ! gipsey * manure ! " continued 
 Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " I see you understand it all ! " observed his Grace. 
 
 " Trust me for that," replied Mr. Jorrocks, diving deep 
 into the egg. 
 
 "We'll have sich a Hagricultural 'Sociation. President, 
 John Jorrocks, Esq. Dine in a tent dance in a barn 
 cuss it, there goes the hegg all over my chin. But stop," 
 added Mr. Jorrocks, wiping it off " Didn't we say 
 1 President, the Markiss o' Bray ? Wice-President, Mr. J. ? ' 
 I think that was the way." 
 
 " Jeems I am sure will be most happy" replied his Grace, 
 who now began to recollect something of the overnight 
 conversation. Jeems, my dear ! " exclaimed he to young 
 hopeful, who was just cutting Emma a fourth slice of white 
 bread, to the indescribable horror of Mrs. Flather. " Jeems, 
 my dear ! Mr. Jorrocks does you the honour of proposing 
 you for President of his Agricultural Association." 
 
 " Mr. Jorrocks does me great honour I'm sure," replied 
 Jeems, almost bowing his face into his plate ; adding to 
 Emma, " What a curious old man he is ! " 
 
 " He'll be rather young in the business, you know, Mr. 
 Jorrocks," observed his Grace sotto voce. 
 
 " Oh, I'll put him up to it all ! " rejoined Mr. Jorrocks 
 with a knowing wink, and a dig of his elbow into the 
 Duke's ribs ; " give him a lector aforehand South Downs 
 'Erefords Durhams subsoil plough liquid manure 
 Deanstonizing, and all that sort o' thing. We'll inwent 
 a manure together. The Donkeyton dung or may be a 
 drainin' tile Mr. Jorrocks's tile. We'll be werry famous. 
 Write in Stephens's Book o' the Farm. Mr. Jorrocks on 
 balls. The Markiss on milch cows. We'll make the grass 
 grow, the grass grow, the grass grow, as my 'untsman James 
 Pigg used to sing about his coal barge." 
 
 If ever there was a man Mrs. Flather more heartily 
 wished further (as people delicately say, when they consign 
 another to the devil), it surely was this loquacious old man, 
 
 w Query Gypsuin.
 
 HHJ3NGDON HALL. 121 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks. Fancy the stupid old fellow intruding in the 
 morning at a time he was never wanted, and then mono- 
 polizing the Duke and Duchess in this scandalous manner ! 
 This most delicate and important transaction kept open by 
 the ill-placed garrulity of the old grocer. Never was any- 
 thing so provoking. Never -was a woman so thwarted as 
 Mrs. Mather was did it on purpose too. We certainly must 
 admit it was very trying ; but these sort of interruptions 
 frequently occur just at the critical moment, either of an 
 offer or a declaration. The footman with the coal-scuttle, 
 or a carriage-full of company, grinning and kissing their 
 hands through the window with delight at finding you at 
 home, and the anticipations of spending a long day. From 
 all " long-day spenders, good Lord deliver us ! " 
 
 At length Mr. Jorrocks's appetite was appeased, and 
 pulling out his watch, he discovered that it wanted but ten 
 minutes to eleven. " Tempus fuggit," said he, putting it up 
 to his ear to ascertain that it had not stopped at that hour 
 overnight. " We must be mizzlin'. Don't do for us farmers 
 to be away too much. Old saying, when the cat's away, the 
 mice will play. Dare say your Greece finds it true." 
 
 "Well, but there's no great hurry, my good friend," 
 observed his Grace " sorry you're obleged to go. Should 
 like to show you my farm the Duchess's dairy my bull 
 Jeems's rabbits." 
 
 " Oh, vy you know I'm not forced to go ; only I harn't 
 brought another shirt clean shirt, clean shave, and a 
 guinea in one's pocket, is wot constitutes a gen'leman in my 
 mind. Howsomever, I'll ride over again some day, jest in 
 a friendly pot-luck sort o' way ; meanwhile," added he in a 
 low tone in his Grace's ear, " Mrs. Flather and I are engaged 
 to ride 'ome together, and ven a lady's in the case, your 
 Greece knows the rest." 
 
 " Well then, Mrs. Flather, you and I ride 'ome together," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, strutting down the table to where 
 Mrs. Flather sat in agony, twisting the cord of her bag into 
 a thousand different forms under cover of the table. 
 
 Mrs. Flather looked very black. 
 
 " S'pose we order the hutch round in ten minutes, or a
 
 122 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 quarter of an hour. It von't take you long to put on your 
 bonnet, and, " added he, in an under tone, " if we start afore 
 the chay, we shall 'scape all the dust. You twig ? " added 
 he, with a wink. 
 
 " Say half-an-hour," whispered Mrs. Flather, in agony. 
 
 " Sorry you're obleged to go, Mrs. Flather," observed the 
 Duke, rising and passing down the table to where Mrs. 
 Flather sat. An example immediately followed by the 
 company, who were now all on their legs together. 
 
 " I'm sure we are extremely obliged to your Grace " 
 
 " Not at all," interrupted his Grace, " not at all ; nothing 
 can give us greater pleasure than " 
 
 "Your Grace's partiality preference" faltered Mrs. 
 Flather " for my daughter is most flattering, and " 
 
 " Not at all, Mrs. Flather not at all ; she's an extremely 
 fine girl very fine girl indeed monstrous fine girl ! Your 
 husband and I are very old friends, Mrs. Flather most 
 gratifying to the Duchess and myself to renew our intimacy 
 in such a satisfactory way." 
 
 " I'm sure you do us infinite honour. It is what I never 
 could have expected. I trust my poor child will show her- 
 self worthy of the high honour." 
 
 "No fear of that, Mrs. Flather none whatever. The 
 Duchess likes her amazingly monstrous fond of her," saying 
 which the Duke shuffled on to Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton Dobbin, 
 to express his regret that they too were obliged to go. 
 
 " Now then ! " said Mr. Jorrocks, touching Mrs. Flather's 
 elbow, " let's be startin', they're all a-goin', and we shall get 
 into the ruck if we don't mind, and ketch all the dust." 
 
 " Don't be in such a hurry, pray" said Mrs. Flather 
 peevishly. 
 
 " My vig ! " said Mr. Jorrocks, aloud to himself, drawing 
 back, " shows a little wice I think." 
 
 " Your carriage is at the door, sir," and " Please to order 
 my carriage round," now became general, and the headachy 
 Duke and complacent Duchess began hugging their departing 
 friends, most heartily glad to get rid of them. 
 
 " The Markiss and I must have a talk about this 'Sociation 
 eorne day," observed Mr. Jorrocks to the Duke.
 
 HALL. 123 
 
 " True ! " exclaimed his Grace, who had gumption enough 
 to keep the main chance in view. " Jeems ! " holloaed he to 
 young hopeful, who was pinning a bouquet into Emma's 
 breast, " come here, my dear ! Mr. Jorrocks wants to speak 
 to you." 
 
 " You and I must have a talk together about this 'ere 
 'Sociation," observed Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing the butterfly figure 
 before him. Pink-striped shirt, tied with a blue ribbon for 
 a neckcloth, pea-green duck-hunter, pitch-plaister-coloured 
 waistcoat, white jean trousers, pink-striped silk stockings, 
 pumps and buckles. 
 
 " Ah ! the farming thing ! " replied the Marquis, " true, 
 I suppose we must say something to the people." 
 
 " You had better drive over to Mr. Jorrocks's, Jeems, and 
 talk it all over," observed the Duke. 
 
 " Do," replied Mr. Jorrocks ; " and bring your nightcap 
 with you you mustn't come in the coach-and-six though, 
 for I can't put up sich a sight of 'osses." 
 
 " Whereabouts do you live ? " inquired the Marquis, who 
 had as much idea about the country as a cow. 
 
 " Oh, twelve or fourteen miles from here," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, " nothin' of a ride." 
 
 " This hot weather though, it would, I think," replied the 
 Marquis, with a shake of the head " however, I should like 
 to pay you a visit " (the Marquis meant Emma), " and I dare 
 say my ma will lend me her brougham ; however, I'll write 
 you word, Mr. Jorrocks : " so saying, he whisked away to 
 jabber and prattle with the ladies. 
 
 Mrs. Jorrocks having got herself into her bonnet and 
 shawl, the Duke offered his arm to conduct her to her 
 carriage, while the Marquis followed with Emma, telling 
 her how soon he would be over to see her, and kissing 
 her fair hand as she ascended the steps of the carriage, 
 with all the devotion of a lover, sent her away as happy as 
 a duchess. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks stuck so close to Mrs. Mather that she could 
 not get a word in sideways, either with the Duke or Duchess 
 at length she yielded to the teasing importunities of the 
 tiresome old man, and resumed her yesterday's place in the
 
 i2 4 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 fire-engine, without the anticipated salute from the Duke, 
 and greatly incensed at Mr. Jorrocks for his untimely 
 persecution. 
 
 How they " rode 'ome together " the reader can guess, 
 nor will it be supposed that Binjimin had any trouble in 
 looking for stones in Dickey Cobden's feet.
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 Abused by some most villainous knave ! 
 
 Some base notorious knave, some scurvy fellow ! 
 
 O heaven, that such companions thou'dst unfold ; 
 
 And put in every honest hand a whip 
 
 To lash the rascal naked through the world ! " 
 
 SHAKSPEAEE. 
 
 [HE first person Mr. Jorrocks met on his return 
 to Hillingdon Hall was Joshua Sneakington. 
 Joshua was prowling about on his travels, back- 
 biting and making mischief, and occasionally 
 displaying his newly-acquired importance by bullying some 
 unfortunate cottage tenant. Mr. Jorrocks was full of the 
 farming project, and Joshua was just the man he wanted 
 to see. 
 
 "Veil, Sneak," said Mr. Jorrocks, in his usual free-and- 
 easy-style, when Joshua's broad-brimmed hat regained his 
 finely shaped head after the salute it gave the Squire ; 
 " veil, Sneak, 'ow are you gettin' on here ? " 
 
 "Why, middling, I think, Mr. Jorrocks can't expect 
 perfection all at once but I strive all I can to keep things 
 right and comfortable. It's really an unpleasant office look- 
 ing after a great estate like this, one gets a deal of ill-will 
 many mischievous ill-disposed people about." 
 
 "I thought all the ill-disposed people had been in 
 London," observed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Oh no, sir," replied Sneakington, with a shake of the 
 head, "town and country's pretty much alike for that, I 
 dare say." 
 
 " The farmers are a long way behind the intelligence o' 
 the day," observed Mr. Jorrocks, after a pause.
 
 126 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 "Oh, a long way," replied Mr. Sneakington. 
 
 "'What my father did 111 do' style about them," said 
 Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Just so," rejoined Joshua. " They have no life about 
 them no energy." 
 
 " No taste for nitrate o' sober, subsoil, Smith, o' Deanston 
 Smith's the greatest benefactor the world ever saw." 
 
 " Indeed ! " replied Joshua Sneakington, an answer that 
 may mean anything. 
 
 " I'm a thinkin'," said Mr. Jorrocks after a pause, during 
 which he kept digging a Suffolk weed-spud into the ground 
 in a fanciful sort of way, " it would be a good thing to get 
 up a Hagricultural 'Sociation here monstrous good thing, 
 I think." 
 
 " No doubt," replied Joshua. 
 
 " Put a little life into the farmers," said Mr. Jorrocks. 
 "Teach 'em the use o' manures book-keepin' by double 
 entry rural economy meadow fox-tail grass. Fine thing 
 fox-tail grass 'unters should be fed on it." 
 
 " Indeed ! " replied Joshua. 
 
 " You are an intelligent man, Sneak, and enjoy the 
 confidence of the country in a remarkable degree. I wish 
 you would take the thing in hand, and talk to some o' the 
 farmers, and let us get the thing started." 
 
 " Why, sir, I shall be very happy to do anything to serve 
 you," replied Mr. Sneakington, " and agriculture is a thing 
 I have given my .mind to very particularly ; but the world's 
 ill-natured, Mr. Jorrocks, and perhaps some of the people 
 might think I was taking too much upon me." 
 
 " Never sich a thing ! never sich a thing ! " replied Mr. 
 Jorrocks ; " you are jest the man Hillingdon 'Sociation 
 President, the Markiss o' Bray ; Wice-President, Mr. Jor- 
 rocks ; Secretary, Mr. Sneakington I tells you, you shall" 
 
 " Well, sir, what you please," replied Joshua ; " only my 
 time is precious just now, for I have an application from a 
 gentleman in" North Wales to build him a castle, and in 
 course, if I take the secretaryship, I can't build the castle."
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 127 
 
 " Never mind the castle," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " never 
 mind the castle dare say he never meant to pay you for 
 it castle-builders seldom do ; you stir your stumps, and 
 go among the farmers tell them they are all benighted 
 that we want to enlighten them ; give them premiums 
 gold medals ! silver medals lectors ! frinds and fellow- 
 countrymen ! walk in procession ! band o' music ! flags 
 flyin' ! dine in a tent, dance in a barn, tickets for tea, all 
 that sort o' thing, in fact." 
 
 " Well, sir, what you please, sir," replied Mr. Sneakington, 
 who was now about to undertake the character of agricul- 
 turist at short notice. " What you please, sir. There is 
 no doubt such a society would be a great benefit encourage 
 activity early rising. Your tenants, Mr. Jorrocks, though 
 I shouldn't like it to go further, are a very indolent set of 
 men. Mr. Westbury let them their farms too easy, dare 
 say they would stand raising ten or fifteen per cent, some 
 of them. But then you know it's not my business to 
 interfere, and I shouldn't like to make mischief; but you 
 may rely upon it, your estate should produce a deal more 
 than it does." 
 
 " Vy," said Mr. Jorrocks, " that's all werry well, I'm glad 
 to hear it. Von we've stuck the new lights into their 
 candlesticks, may be it'll produce twice as much, and then 
 we may get a leetle more tin. Smith o' Deanston should 
 be knighted baronet'd indeed ! greatest benefactor the 
 world ever saw ; makes four blades grow where one grew 
 before. You go, brush up my tenants, tell them to drain, 
 subsoil, guano, nitrate o' sober, and gipsey manure." 
 
 " If I had a horse," observed Mr. Sneakington, " I should 
 be able to make a survey of each farm, so as to judge of its 
 capabilities, and talk to the tenant at the same time. It 
 doesn't look well to see the agent of a great man going 
 about on foot," added he, seeing Mr. Jorrocks did not 
 exactly relish the proposal. 
 
 " Vy, as to an 'oss, you know, Sneak, it would only be a 
 bother to you ; for instance, if you came to a field with a 
 large stone wall, and never a way out, you wouldn't know 
 what to do with the nag while you was over a lookin' at
 
 i 2 8 HILLIXGDOff HALL. 
 
 the crop ; and as to leapin' ! vy, you know you'd tumble 
 off!" 
 
 " Oh, but the tenant would be there to hold the horse 
 you know. There's work enough, I assure you, for a horse 
 to look after all your concerns, and keep things square ; 
 farmers want a deal of looking after. It would be a saving 
 in the end." 
 
 "Yy, time's tin in the City, certainly," replied Mr. 
 Jorrocks, tinkling his silver in his breeches pocket ; " it's 
 all 'ow d'ye do ? and off again state your case and away 
 you go ; but some'ow the day seems a many 'ours longer i' 
 the country. No one's ever in a hurry here. Howsomever, 
 I've no objection to lend you Dickey Cobden now and then ; 
 only you must mind and not overmark him, for he's only 
 one o' the buttery sort werry soft can stand a deal o' 
 rest you twig." 
 
 "Thank you, sir," replied Sneakington, who thought 
 riding the Squire's cob would have a grand effect "then 
 if I go to your stable, perhaps you'll tell Mr. Benjamin to 
 let me have it to-morrow. Your rent-day's coming on, and 
 I should like to go my rounds before, so as to make a proper 
 report of the state in which everything is at present." 
 
 " Jest so," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " and then we shall see 
 what improvement is made. Farmers should keep journals, 
 write down everything they see and do, make obserwations 
 on the weather, and so on signs o' the sky ; be philo- 
 sophers as well as farmers in fact." 
 
 The next morning Joshua was seen riding Dickey 
 Cobden slowly up the village of Hillingdon, with an armful 
 of plans and a green gingham umbrella for a whip. His 
 low-crowned broad-brimmed Sunday hat was well brushed, 
 he had a clean white neckcloth, and his second-best black 
 coat and waistcoat, and every-day trousers and gaiters on ; 
 also a pair of gloves, an appendage denoting that the wearer 
 is going " from home." The cottagers eyed Joshua with 
 suspicion and astonishment, and Beckey Brown ran into 
 Polly Jones's to ask where Jos could be going to; while 
 sundry of the " betterly people " who kept servants were 
 sorely annoyed at the grievous length of time they stayed at
 
 IIILLINGDON HALL. 129 
 
 the " well " a sort of rural parliament, where Janes and 
 Marys talk over their masters and mistresses, and tell all 
 the secrets of the house. A little thing makes a great talk 
 in the country. 
 
 Never did a Lord Mayor ride through Cheapside in his 
 gingerbread coach and six, on his way (like his web-footed 
 brethren the geese) to " take water " to be sworn in at our 
 Lady the Queen's Exchequer, with a more inflated mind 
 than Joshua Sneakington possessed as he rode through the 
 village of Hillingdon on that important morning. Twice he 
 was for turning back under pretence of having forgotten 
 something, but Dickey Cobden had a will of his own, and 
 feeling Joshua had a loose seat, he gave certain indications 
 of dissent that caused Joshua to alter his resolutions, and 
 proceed on his journey rejoicing. 
 
 It was a fine day, clear and sunshiny, and Joshua's mind 
 partook of the apparent happiness of nature. 
 
 Firfield Johnny Wopstraw's farm was the first in 
 Joshua Sneakington's circuit, and he timed his visit so as 
 to arrive as Johnny was sitting down to his twelve o'clock 
 dinner, with his wife, children, and servants. Potatoes and 
 bacon, and gooseberry dumplings. Jos, like most lazy dogs, 
 was a good eater, and didn't require a second invitation to 
 induce him to sit down and partake of the frugal meal. 
 
 After it was over, and the party were dispersing to their 
 respective occupations, Joshua began broaching the subject 
 of his mission. 
 
 " Well, and how are you getting on in the farming 
 way ? " inquired he. ' , 
 
 " Oh, why, upon the whoole, middling well ; times are 
 bad, but the land's pretty good, and the situation not amiss, 
 and I hope the Squire will not be over hard with us." 
 
 " The Squire's a thinking," observed Joshua, with a hem 
 and a stroke of his puritanical chin, " of having a fresh 
 survey made of his estate, and letting the farms according 
 to the times." 
 
 " So-o-o" replied Wopstraw, wondering how that would 
 cut. 
 
 " The farmers in this country, he thinks, are a long way 
 
 I
 
 1 30 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 behind the intelligence of the day too much of what-my- 
 father-did-I-do style about them." 
 
 " Just so," observed Johnny Wopstraw. 
 
 "The Squire you see's a very clever man and has been 
 used to first-rate farming patent ploughs gipsey manure 
 fox-tail grass and he wants to encourage activity and 
 emulation among his tenants. There's a grand discovery 
 just made, for making eight blades grow where one grew 
 before." 
 
 " So-O'O-o ! " ejaculated Johnny Wopstraw. 
 
 " And the Squire thinks if he can get the farmers to 
 adopt it there will be like twopence gained to them and a 
 penny to him." 
 
 " Just so," observed Johnny Wopstraw ; " upon the whoole, 
 I should think it must be a grand discovery." 
 
 " The man should be made a lord," replied Joshua, rubbing 
 his chin and looking very sagacious as much as to say that 
 he had had a hand in the pie. 
 
 " Upon the whoole, I think he should," replied Wopstraw. 
 
 " If you'll bring me out my horse I'll just ride over your 
 farm, now that I have got the plan in my pocket, and then 
 we'll be better able to talk the matter over at our rent 
 day," observed Joshua, drawing on his gloves most con- 
 sequentially. 
 
 Wopstraw, somewhat astonished at the sudden elevation 
 of the scamp, though not at all surprised at his airs, brought 
 out the nag, and Joshua mounting, desired Wopstraw to 
 take him such a circuit as would lead him on to the next 
 tenant's farm, so that he might not lose time by going over 
 the same ground twice. Off then they set, Joshua on 
 Dickey Cobden, and Wopstraw walking alongside, opening 
 gates, handing up specimens of soil, and replying to Joshua's 
 interrogatories . 
 
 " Give me a piece of that ! " Joshua would exclaim on 
 entering a fallow ; then he would break the clod, and eye it, 
 just as Master Horner eyed his Christmas pie, to see how 
 much fruit there was in it. " Ah, I see," Joshua would 
 observe thoughtfully, as if to himself, but in reality to Wop- 
 straw " Silicious sand clay calcareous sand carbonate
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 131 
 
 of lime humus " and thereupon he would make a memo- 
 randum, as if he was entering the quality in his book. 
 
 Having played at this game over a few fields, and glanced 
 at the crops generally, during which operation he imparted 
 no small degree of astonishment to Johnny Wopstraw's 
 simple mind, he at length observed he had no doubt the 
 farm was capable of very great improvement, particularly if 
 this new system of making ten blades grow where only one 
 grew at present was introduced ; and that he thought it 
 would be well for Mr. Wopstraw to secure a lease, intimating 
 at the same time that the usual custom in farming was to 
 make the steward a present in proportion to the rent and 
 length of the term. 
 
 A word here to landowners. 
 
 It has long been remarked that whatever becomes of 
 the owner of an estate, the steward invariably thrives, and 
 we have often heard wonder expressed how this happens. 
 Having made what to us was a discovery, the other day, on 
 this head, we will here impart it to you in case you may be 
 ignorant of it also. 
 
 We were fishing in the neighbourhood of a water corn- 
 mill, and the trout not being inclined to be taken, we were 
 about shutting up shop, with some half-dozen in our creel, 
 when we encountered an old farmer riding on his cart for a 
 sack of flour. The usual country courtesies, " What sport 
 have you had ? " and " How are you getting on ? " having 
 been exchanged, a conversation sprang up about the farmer's 
 landlord (who was an absentee) and his agent, Mr Jeremiah 
 Jumps. Jumps was a new broom, and, of course, sweeping 
 clean we don't mean to say he was racking the land, but 
 he was displaying a little unusual activity on behalf of an 
 absentee landlord well, the present Jumps brought up the 
 previous Jumps, or whatever his name was, and the present 
 Jumps' activity was contrasted with the indolence of the 
 former, and then the former Jumps' riches came to be 
 talked of. 
 
 " Ah, he had a grand time of it," said the farmer ; "no 
 trouble no one to check him just did what he liked 
 granted leases to whom he pleased, and every tenant down
 
 132 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 with his five or ten pounds on each letting, as regular as 
 could be." 
 
 " The agent got that, then, did he ? " asked we. 
 
 " Oh, to be sure that's the custom, you know always 
 make the steward a compliment on taking." 
 
 " Indeed," said we, " that's a wrinkle we weren't up to 
 do us the pleasure to accept these trout two and two's four 
 five and one's six there you are and good morning 
 to you good morning knowledge should not be had for 
 nothing." 
 
 Reader ! take care your " Jumps " isn't playing you that 
 trick. 
 
 Willey Goodheart was the next tenant in Joshua's route. 
 Willey was one of the very old-fashioned, tarry-at-home 
 school of farmers neat, careful, prudent, honest, and cheer- 
 ful. He had been on the estate " man and boy," as the 
 saying is, for sixty years, and his little farm was a perfect 
 model of neatness and productiveness. Age had now bowed 
 a once upright manly form, and time had strongly marked 
 the handsome features of his face ; but there was a mild, 
 gentlemanly, patriarchal air about old Willey, corresponding 
 with his manners ; and his venerable grey hair fell in curly 
 locks on the upright collar of his straight-cut, single-breasted, 
 large-buttoned blue coat. On Sundays, his costume partook 
 still more of the character of bygone days, by the addition of 
 a pair of nearly sky-blue worsted stockings, and square-toed 
 shoes, with large silver buckles shoes that must either have 
 been much better than, they make them at the present day, 
 or been devoted exclusively to Sunday wear, for they had seen 
 " square toes " in and out three times since they were bought. 
 Willey seldom went from home except to church. Markets 
 even he did not trouble. His corn was sold to a neighbour- 
 ing miller ; his daughter carried his butter and eggs to the 
 truck shop at Hillingdon, from whence his few wants were 
 also supplied. He was one of the draining, manuring, land- 
 working breed of farmers always some little improvement 
 in hand or in view some hedge to run straight some land 
 to lay better away some slack to fill up or some gate to 
 remove to a more convenient position ; but he knew nothing
 
 IIILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 133 
 
 of " guano, nitrate o' sober, or gipsey manure," as Mr. Jorrocks 
 would say. Having in early life been in a gentleman's service 
 at Grampound (Cornwall), an intimacy he had then con- 
 tracted with a fellow-servant had continued, and showed 
 itself by his sending Willey the county papers; but the 
 friend most likely being one of Willey's breed, instead of 
 availing himself of Her Majesty's post for the conveyance of 
 each paper, hoarded them up till he got a year or two's 
 papers in hand, when he transmitted them to Willey per 
 waggon. The consequence was, that Willey read the papers 
 like history, and was generally a year or two behindhand 
 sometimes more, in the harvest time. Farmers and fox- 
 hunters are not great readers in a general way. We knew 
 a fox-hunter, who borrowed the first volume of one of Scott's 
 novels, and, having kept it a long time, his friend asked him 
 if he would not like to have another. " Oh no, thank you, " 
 said he, " that does very well. By the time I get to the end, 
 I've forgot the beginning, so I just begin over again, and it 
 serves my purpose quite as well as a new one." 
 
 Willey was rather better than this, for he studied the 
 Gi'ampound Gun and Tregony Times, as the paper was called, 
 with a patient and persevering assiduity, beginning with the 
 title, and ending with the printer's name of each number, 
 and remembered what he had read, for he could refer to the 
 file of his authority with great accuracy whenever a difficulty 
 arose in his mind. Indeed, his Bible and the Grampound 
 Gun were the only two works that Willey considered worth 
 having; and, in his younger days, when he mixed more 
 among the farmers, he had acquired the sobriquet of the 
 " Grampound Gun," from generally prefacing his stories or 
 observations with " I see by the Grampound Gun and 
 Tregony Times that " so and so has taken place. 
 
 Well, on this particular day Willey had been taking a 
 suck at his old friend after his frugal dinner, and the last 
 bundle of Guns was on the table before him, as Joshua's dry 
 cough and the tread of Dickey Cobden's feet arrested Willey's 
 attention. Taking off his tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles, 
 he hurried to the woodbined porch of his door to greet the 
 visitor.
 
 i 3 4 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 There sat Joshua, looking as consequential as could be, 
 with a supercilious smile on his hypocritical countenance, 
 that as much as said, " I'll astonish the old man." 
 
 " Well, Mr. Goodheart," said he, " how do you do to- 
 day ? " 
 
 " Why, middling, thank ye, Mr. Sneakington," replied 
 Willey, for he didn't like Joshua a bit " middling, thank 
 you mustn't complain cannot work as I used though 
 and I'm nabbut seventy-two. A-dear but this is a bad job 
 in Lunnun, Mr. Sneakington shocking bad job. Do you 
 think he'll be hung ? " inquired Willey, with anxiety depicted 
 on his fine expressive face. 
 
 " What's the matter now ? " inquired Joshua, who felt 
 himself in a manner connected with London, from his master 
 having come from there. 
 
 " A-dear, haven't you heard," replied Willey, " of this 
 terrible rascal shooting at the Queen ? A-dear, Lunnun 
 must be a terrible place lucky our Squire's got away from 
 it, I'm sure." 
 
 " Well, but who's been shooting at the Queen now ? " 
 inquired Sneakington. 
 
 " A villain called Oxford ! 'ord rot him ; but if I had him 
 I'd strangle him I'd knock the very soul out of him, spifli- 
 cate him," replied Willey, his still bright eyes sparkling as 
 he spoke. " The idea of shooting at a beautiful young lady 
 like that a queen too ! But won't you alight and come in, 
 Mr. Sneakington, and I'll show you all about it ? " 
 
 " Stuff and nonsense ! " exclaimed Joshua Sneakington, 
 with a sneer and an indignant curl of the lip " that's as 
 old as the hills you're always finding a mare's nest. Good 
 day, old boy ! good day ! " adding to himself as he kicked 
 Dickey Cobden along, " no use bothering with such an old 
 fool as that. He's too far behind the intelligence of the day 
 for me. Leave him for the Squire." 
 
 Willey then, somewhat shocked at Joshua's want of loyalty, 
 re-entered his house, and resuming the tortoiseshell-rimmecl 
 spectacles, returned to his reading of Oxford's attempt on 
 the life of the Queen. 
 
 Before Joshua Sneakington had accomplished the hill
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 135 
 
 leading up to Mr. Mark Heavytail's farm, Mark having re- 
 turned from his dinner, had stripped off his coat, and was 
 working away in the fields. Josh owed Heavytail a grudge, 
 and he was a great man for paying his debts debts of 
 honour at least. He had done some very indifferent mason's 
 work for Mark, and had charged about double what he ought, 
 which of course made him owe Heavytail a good turn as 
 people say when they mean the contrary for resisting the 
 imposition. 
 
 Seeing a horse and a low-crowned hat on the sky line of 
 the hill, Mark hurried from his work to greet the Squire as 
 he thought. When he got within hail, and saw it was Josh, 
 he was for turning back. 
 
 " HOLLOA THEBE ! " exclaimed Joshua, waving his arm for 
 Heavytail to come to him. 
 
 " WHAT DO YOU WANT ? " roared Heavytail at the extremity 
 of his voice. 
 
 " Come and open this gate ! " cried he ; "I want to speak 
 to you." 
 
 " OPEN IT YOURSELF ! YOU CANNOT HAVE A BETTER SAR- 
 
 VANT, " roared Heavytail. 
 
 " CONFOUND YOUR IMPITTANCE ! " bellowed Josh, " I've come 
 with a messuage from the Squire." 
 
 "WELL, AND WHAT DOES THE SQUIRE WANT, THAT HE'S 
 SENT AN 'ARD BRICKLAYER LIKE YE TO TELL ? " 
 
 " You had better sink all that" replied Josh, with an 
 emphasis and look of authority. " The Squire wishes me to 
 look over his estate preparatory to his rent day, to see that 
 the rotation of crops is properly kept, and give him a report 
 as to ' 
 
 " YE ! " roared Heavytail, pointing at Josh, and then 
 holding his sides as though he would split with laughter 
 " YE ! " repeated he, " an 'ard bricklayer like ye ! I'd as 
 soon think of setting my 'ard sow to survey an estate 
 haw ! haw ! haw ! he ! he ! he ! haw ! haw ! haw ! " 
 
 Heavytail's unwonted mirth roused the ire of his dog, 
 who, not exactly understanding matters, but seeing his 
 master was not pleased, at this juncture jumped over the 
 wall with his bristles up, when Dickey Cobden shied off at
 
 136 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 an angle, and, finding his head loose, set off down hill as 
 hard as ever he could lay legs to the ground, with the coiley 
 dog at his heels. 
 
 Josh lost his umbrella, and scattered his plans as he 
 went, and the impetus gained sent Dickey and his rider clean 
 through the gate at the bottom of the hill with a most ter- 
 rible crash of the timber.
 
 ( '37 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 " We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow ; 
 Our wiser sons, no doubt, will think us so." 
 
 jREAT anxiety prevailed among the farmers to 
 hear the grand discovery the " greatest bene- 
 factor the world ever saw " had made for mak- 
 ing " two blades grow where one grew before ; " 
 a number that increased in the telling till they got it up 
 as high as sixteen sixteen blades, where only one grew 
 before. As Mr. Jorrocks's rent-day approached, anxiety 
 became quickened, and Joshua Sneakington's importance 
 increased, by the mysterious gravity he observed in his 
 rounds among the farmers, and the obscure hints he dropped, 
 that he was at the bottom of the secret. 
 
 Meanwhile Mr. Jorrocks busied himself reading up any- 
 thing he could lay hold of upon farming, for the purpose of 
 making them a grand oration on the importance of establish- 
 ing an Agricultural Association, and of the virtue of scientific 
 farming in general. And here let us observe, that many 
 people talk as if they imagined theoretical that is to say, 
 book farming is a thing of modern introduction that our 
 fathers had no " Books of the Farm," no " Quarterly Journals," 
 or other experimental trying works in their times. It is 
 quite a mistake our forefathers were quite as well off as 
 ourselves in that respect. We have whole book shelves 
 loaded with farming lore of former times, the property of 
 our grandfather, the husband of the old lady we mentioned 
 before, who, at the age of eighty-three, reads without specs. 
 Indeed, we may add, that the old lady herself thinks very 
 lightly of the virtues of what is called scientific farming.
 
 138 IIILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 " Such farming, indeed ! " she exclaims, whenever we 
 pump her on the past; "why, a hind nowadays is as 
 good as a farmer used to be in your poor grandfather's 
 time driving about in their gigs, with their names painted 
 up behind ; and writing nonsense to the papers instead of 
 ploughing their land." But the wives are what anger her 
 most. " Silks, ay, and satins, and sofas every day ; and 
 pianneys skelping at night. Lauk ! we never heard of such 
 things as pianneys in my time ! " she says. " The churn was 
 the farmer's daughter's instrument, and a precious sight 
 better wives they made, than the fine gadabout be-feathered 
 breed we see nowadays." So much for our granny. But, 
 as we said before, we have yards upon yards of books on 
 every possible subject relating to land, leaving after-comers 
 the chance of starting anything new apparently out of the 
 question. One consolation, however, is, that there are 
 always new farmers coming on to whom the old theories 
 
 are new as our friend B says, when we tax him with 
 
 riding the same joke rather often. 
 
 We have just run our eye along our book-case, and see 
 what a haul we have made in the way of farming literature. 
 Alongside some twenty vols. of the Farmer's Magazine, we 
 have Mills's Husbandry (1762). Du Hamel's ditto. 
 Hunter's Georgical Essays, in numberless volumes. Pott's 
 Farmer's Cyclopaedia, or Agricultural Dictionary of improved 
 Modern Husbandry, in one large quarto. Anderson's Essays. 
 Farmer's Letters to the People of England, containing the 
 sentiments of a Practical Husbandman, on various subjects 
 of great importance (1768). The Farmer's Guide in Hiring 
 and Stocking Farms (1770). The Farmer's Instructor, or 
 the Husbandman and Gardener's useful and necessary Com- 
 panion, being a new treatise of Husbandry, Gardening, and 
 other Matters relating to Country Affairs, by Samuel Trowel], 
 Gentleman (1747). A Philosophical Account of the Works 
 of Nature, printed for J. Hodges, at the Looking-glass, 
 over against Magnus Church, on London Bridge. The New 
 Farmer's Calendar, or Monthly Eemembrancer of all kinds 
 of Country Business, in the New Husbandry, with the 
 Management of Live Stock, inscribed to the Farmers of
 
 IIILLINGDOX HALL. 139 
 
 Great Britain, by a Farmer and Breeder (1802). Marshall's 
 Agriculture of the Southern Counties, with a Sketch of the 
 Vale of London (1/99). Curwen on Feeding Stock. Cully 
 on Live Stock. Davis on Land Surveying. Bailey's Agri- 
 cultural Survey. Eennie's Essays on Peat Moss. Practical 
 Husbandry, or the Art of Farming with a certainty of Gain, 
 by Dr. John Trusler, of Cobham, Surrey ; together with 
 Directions for Measuring Timber (1780), and no end of 
 pamphlets and letters, and "observations on similar subjects." 
 
 Let us not, however, be supposed to decry agricultural 
 improvement. Far from it. We are quite sensible of the 
 many defects in our present system, which we believe chiefly 
 arise from the want of capital, energy, and observation ; but 
 we wish to counteract the evil people in high stations 
 frequently do by talking wildly at agricultural meetings, for 
 the mere purpose of astonishing the farmers, without really 
 knowing or caring anything about what they say. They 
 do far more harm than good, for farmers get confused ; and, 
 frightened at their own ignorance, despair of coming up to 
 the mark, and so remain as they were ; or else attempt 
 fan'ciful experiments, which, after endless expense, they find 
 unsuited to their climate or soil, or unproductive of the 
 anticipated ends. The great difficulty under which farming 
 labours, however, is want of capital ; and so long as people 
 look upon it as an exception to all other trades, and requiring 
 no capital to set up with, so long we fear will be the want 
 of energy and taste for improvement. But to our tale. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks having determined that his " let off " should 
 be one of great magnitude, resolved upon inviting the 
 principal neighbours to dinner, and winding up the evening 
 with a ball to their wives and daughters. Accordingly, 
 Mr. Jorrocks and Joshua Sneakington went about beating 
 up for recruits, and, as usual on such occasions, were very 
 successful. Indeed, one of the grand differences between 
 town and country is this that invitations cannot be refused 
 without offence. By town and country, of course we mean 
 any place out of London for the latter. Now, in London, 
 Mr. and Mrs. Brown request the honour of Mr. and Mrs. 
 Green's company to dinner, on Tuesday the 26th of June, at
 
 MO HILLIXGDOtf HALL. 
 
 half-past six ; and if Mr. and Mrs. Green either don't like 
 Mr. and Mrs. Brown, or have reason to think that they may 
 get a pleasanter invitation elsewhere, Mr. and Mrs. Green 
 make no bones whatever of saying they are sorry that a 
 prior engagement prevents them the honour of accepting 
 Mr. and Mrs. Brown's kind invitation for Tuesday, June 
 the 26th ; and Mr. and Mrs. Brown never trouble their 
 heads to inquire whether there was any truth in the story 
 or not : but in the country it is quite another thing. Take 
 a small town for instance. Every small town has a " pro- 
 fessed cook," a sort of brandy-bibbing body, who can cook 
 a little when she's sober, but who has not what servants call 
 conduct enough to keep in place, consequently she confines 
 herself to making " blows out " for the party givers, among 
 whom a few days' work will furnish several days' drink, and 
 victuals too, if she is skilful, which most of them are, in 
 carrying away. Well, these sort of people know every 
 movement and every party in the town know exactly 
 beforehand who will be at each feed ; and if Mr. and Mrs. 
 So-and-so are not there, they immediately set to work to 
 ferret out what's happened that Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so are 
 not asked that they never cooked a dinner there before 
 without Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so being there wonder what 
 can have happened that Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so are not 
 there think Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so must have fallen out ; 
 for when people of this sort get a thing on their tongues, 
 there is no end to the repetitions they indulge in. If the 
 servants can't solve the mystery among them, cookey most 
 likely performs the same office of blow-out maker for Mr. 
 and Mrs. So-and-so that she is performing for the present 
 party givers, consequently she can drop in the next day (if 
 she's sober enough to walk) and inquire of their everyday 
 cook, if they had had anybody dining the day before, or if 
 their " people " dined out, and so the story gets afloat, and 
 truth is drawn out of the well. 
 
 However, this is a capital world for lending or giving 
 things away in, and people need not be much put to, who 
 only want to give others a treat. Mrs. Flather and Emma 
 were the only persons who refused Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks's
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 141 
 
 invitation. They were sorry that they had a previous en- 
 gagement. Our readers will perhaps remember that Mrs. 
 Flather had been sadly disconcerted by Mr. Jorrocks's 
 attentions at Donkeyton Castle, when she wanted to bring 
 the Marquis " to book," and her anger had not yet subsided. 
 She determined to snub him. Well, as luck would have it, 
 just as her boy in buttons delivered her answer at Hillingdon 
 Hall, a messenger arrived from Donkeyton Castlo with a 
 note from the Marquis. 
 
 Jeems had taken it into his head that he would like to 
 see Emma, and under pretence of paying Mr. Jorrocks a 
 farming-electioneering visit, he thought to accomplish that 
 object, and either by accident or design had pitched upon 
 the very day our Cockney Squire had fixed for his party. 
 
 This was the letter : 
 
 "DONKEYTON CASTLE. 
 
 " DEAR MR. JORROCKS, My papa and you had some con- 
 versation about a farming thing that you thought would 
 further our interest in your neighbourhood, and my mamma 
 thinks I had better go over to Hillingdon Park and see you 
 about it. If it will be convenient to Mrs. Jorrocks and 
 you to receive me, I shall be very happy to dine and stay 
 all night with you on Thursday next. Pray write me an 
 answer by the bearer, and with compliments to Mrs. 
 Jorrocks, believe me to remain, dear Mr. Jorrocks, yours 
 very truly, " BRAY. 
 
 "To JAMES JORROCKS, ESQ., 
 Hillingdon Park." 
 
 Of course Mr. Jorrocks was too happy to see the Marquis, 
 and he wrote him to that effect, adding that he had better 
 come early, in order that they might talk matters over, as 
 he would have some friends to meet him, and they kept 
 early hours in the country. There was also this postscript. 
 " P.S. My name's JOHN, not James. My place is a Hall, 
 not a Park. If you want wenison, you'd better bring it 
 with you." 
 
 Mrs. Flather's boy in buttons having gone into the 
 kitchen to have a game of cribbage with Binjimin, made
 
 142 H1LLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 himself sufficiently acquainted with the " ins and outs " to 
 be able to tell their cook that Jorrocks was either going 
 to Donkeyton Castle again, or that Donkeyton Castle was 
 coming to Jorrocks. This news soon found its way into the 
 parlour, and mother and daughter were uncommonly struck 
 and hurt at the intelligence. Mrs. Flather was sure it 
 would be that the Marquis was coming to the Hall, for she 
 had overheard some of the conversation between the Duke 
 and Mr. Jorrocks at Donkeyton, and she thought she never 
 could sufficiently censure herself for refusing the invitation. 
 How to repair the error was now the consideration. Emma 
 should step down with a bouquet, and see if she could not 
 put matters right. Accordingly, having selected a smart 
 one, she set out on her errand. Mrs. Jorrocks was delighted 
 to see her, and was werry sorry she was not to have that 
 pleasure on Thursday. Emma was very much obliged for 
 their kindness in asking them, so was mamma the latter 
 rather expected an old friend of dear papa's calling that day, 
 and if he did call he might stay dinner ; but 
 
 Oh, Mrs. Jorrocks " wouldn't wish to interfere in such a 
 case of course, an old friend o' the family must take pre- 
 cedence of them." 
 
 " If, however, their friend did not come," resumed Emma. 
 
 " Oh, think no more about it," interrupted Mrs. Jorrocks ; 
 " any other time would be equally agreeable to Mr. Jorrocks 
 and her; indeed, here was Mr. Jorrocks himself," added 
 she, as our hero emerged from a laurelled walk, and came 
 suddenly upon them. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks would fain have forgiven the poor girl, but 
 Mrs. J. stood up stoutly, and gave Mr. J. a look that plainly 
 told him he had better be quiet ; so as our farmer friend 
 did not care much about the matter, he left them, and went 
 away to stare at some sheep. 
 
 We will not trouble our readers with a recital of the pre- 
 parations, the borrowing, and joining, and contriving, and 
 managing, nor will we give a programme of the entertain- 
 ment, but let the thing speak for itself. 
 
 The great, the important day at length arrived clear, 
 bright, sunshiny, and cloudless a real summer's day one
 
 IIILLINGDON HALL. 143 
 
 that English people appreciate most thoroughly from the 
 circumstance of their coming so seldom. Mr. Jorrocks 
 bustled about, in a terrible stew, reciting his speech, and 
 bothering and running against everybody. 
 
 Towards two o'clock, a claret-coloured brougham, with red 
 picked wheels, and a ducal coronet on the panel, drove down 
 the village of Hillingdon, to the astonishment of the natives, 
 who had never seen anything of the sort before. The noble, 
 lofty-actioned iron grey stepped and carried himself with 
 becoming dignity, champing the richly chased bit, and 
 throwing his head about as though he had a bowing acquaint- 
 ance with all the people in the street. In fact, he went just 
 as he may be seen any day of the season going up and down 
 St. James's Street. Horses, unlike dandies, have only one 
 action. Beside the driver, for, we believe, " one-'oss guiders " 
 are not admitted among the fraternity of coachmen, sat the 
 Marquis's French valet a profusely-whiskered much-be- 
 jewelled individual ; and an imperial, containing his lord- 
 ship's clothes, covered the roof of the carriage. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, who had begun to wax uneasy, and had 
 stopped the recital of his speech for some time, listening for 
 the noise of approaching wheels, no sooner heard the sound 
 drum-like roll of the well-built London carriage, than ho 
 shoved his notes into his pocket, and ran to the entrance to 
 greet his guest. The Marquis alighted just as Mr. Jorrocks 
 got to the door. He was dressed in the extreme of the 
 London fashion. A gold-laced, gold-tasselled, blue foraging 
 cap sat jauntily on his well-waxed light brown ringlets ; the 
 ample tie of his rich blue and gold satin cravat, secured 
 with enormous pearl pins, covered the wide opening made 
 by a very broad, roll-collared white waistcoat, loose down 
 to the two bottom buttons, while the narrow hem of a collar 
 to his blue coat barely came up to the nape of his neck, and 
 the nippy waist began considerably higher up than nature 
 had put his own. His trousers of lavender-coloured merino 
 were shaped over the instep, and buttoned under a pair 
 of laced lavender-coloured boots, which would have been 
 stockings but for a morsel of patent leather over the 
 toe and round the soles. He carried a gold-headed cane
 
 144 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 and a richly embroidered lace-fringed handkerchief in his 
 hand. 
 
 "I'm werry 'appy to see you," exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 greeting his unagricultural-looking guest ; " werry 'appy 
 indeed thought you weren't comin' howsomever you're 
 in plenty of time only I wanted to have a little talk with 
 you afore'and you know as to what you shall say to the 
 chaps. We must be werry knowin' scientific in fact." 
 
 "True," replied the Marquis, "I've got off part of an 
 agricultural article in the Encyclopaedia by heart, and " 
 
 "Ah, but they want facts," replied Mr. Jorrocks, 
 "draining science, and steam's the ticket howsomever, 
 come into my sanctum, and I'll talk.it all over with you." 
 
 " Couldn't we walk, and call on Mrs. Flather, and talk it 
 over as we go ? " inquired the Marquis. 
 
 " No, no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " no time to look arter 
 the pettikits. Let's to business this way mind the step 
 now take a chair, sit down, and I'll tell you all about it." 
 
 The Marquis having complied with Mr. Jorrocks's request, 
 our friend soused himself into his red-morocco hunting-chair, 
 and folding one leg over the other, turned to the Marquis, 
 and began talking with his fingers and tongue. " You see," 
 said he, pressing his forefingers together, " we're come to 
 enlighten these muffs, and a pretty benighted, bewildered, 
 bedevilled lot they are ; and the first thing is to conwince 
 them they are all wrong, and the next to instruct them wot 
 is right. Farmin' in fact's in a benighted sort o' state, 
 and we must break the shell o' their ignorance, and set the 
 boobies at liberty. Now I've got a werry fine composition 
 in my 'ead, if I can only draw it out when the time comes 
 for that's the deuce and all in oratory one's so werry 
 apt to lose the thread, and get carried right up among the 
 clouds, just like a chap on a wet mornin' on the top of 
 Mount Riega ; howsomever, I expect I've got it pretty pat, 
 and, with the aid of cheers, and referrin' to my notes, I dare 
 say I shall get through with it ; and in course, arter I've 
 lathered and soaped the chaps well, I shall want some one 
 to shave them, and there's when I want you to come in. I 
 shall start by 'busin' of them, then do a little instructing and
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 145 
 
 finally finish by flatterin ; of them, and proposin' a 'Sociation 
 for the encouragement of everything relatin' to farmin' 
 with you for the President, and all that sort o' thing with 
 your health three times three one cheer more, and all 
 that sort o' thing. Then in course you'll get up and make 
 them a werry hoiley oration, say whatever you think will be 
 most palatable, pay them all sorts of compliments, and all 
 that sort o' thing." Mr. Jorrocks finished this long sen- 
 tence by releasing his hands and flourishing the right one 
 about in the air. 
 
 "But that won't suit the speech I've got by heart, Mr. 
 Jorrocks," replied the Marquis, in a state of perturbation at 
 his friend supposing he* could take a part at short notice. 
 
 " Veil, but vot's your speech about ? " inquired Mr. 
 Jorrocks ; " it'll surely be about farmin'." 
 
 " Oh, yes, I begin with the antiquity of the thing, show- 
 ing that the greatest poets and generals and statesmen of 
 all countries and times have encouraged agriculture." 
 
 "Werry good," said Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Then I take a look at the beautiful harmless simplicity 
 of life it engenders, contrast the robust farmer with the 
 pallid artisan, and their beautiful and rosy offspring with 
 the children of town-bred parents ; talk of the importance 
 of a ' bold peasantry ' to a country's welfare, and finish 
 with the advantages of improving the farmers' condition by 
 putting them in possession of the newest fashions, or what- 
 ever you call the things in farming, and express the great 
 interest I take in this district, and the pleasure I experience 
 in becoming the President of a Society of such praiseworthy 
 people, or something of that sort," concluded the Marquis. . 
 
 " Werry good," said Mr. Jorrocks, " werry good indeed 
 capital I may say ; nothin' can be better. Folks have a 
 wonderful likin' for what they don't understand, and if you 
 finish by a little that they do understand, they'll take all the 
 rest for granted, and say you are a tre-men-dous clever 
 feller ! I'm a goin' to do a bit of antiquity myself cribbed 
 of course, but that's nothin'. But confound it, I'm for- 
 getting the werry pint wot I wanted to talk to you about. 
 Drainin's the ticket, as I told you before. Stick that into 
 
 K
 
 146 HILLINGDOtf HALL. 
 
 them. Let drainin' be the great gun of your discourse. 
 Nothing like drainin' ; say it's the grandest diskivery wot- 
 ever was made that the inwentor, Smith o' Deanston, 's the 
 greatest benefactor the world ever saw ; and finish off by 
 tellin' them 'ow you've turned your attention very extensively 
 to the subject, as applied to this part of the country, and 
 with the aid of a certain degree of geological knowledge, 
 you have inwented a tile that you have no manner of 
 doubt " 
 
 " But I've done nothin' of the sort ! " exclaimed the Mar- 
 quis, throwing up his hands in alarm, his ma having taught 
 him never to tell fibs. 
 
 " Never mind that," replied Mr. 'Jorrocks, " never mind 
 that ; I've done it for you I've done it for you and it's 
 as old as the 'ills, that wot you do by another, you do by 
 yourself. Here, see," said he, pulling an old letter back out 
 of his pocket, " here are the component parts of the tile ; 
 and whether they adopt it or not, it will show your great 
 interest in agricultural concerns, and make you poppilar 
 with the farmers ; but I think comin' from you they will 
 adopt it, for it's extonishin' how even the commonest people 
 are led away by great people and great names. Well, how- 
 somever, never mind, this is it (reading). Take of stiff, 
 strong clay two stun (stone) four punds, add to this two stun 
 of fine river or sea gravel, and one stun three punds of 
 finely sifted lime, mex them well together, by stirrin' for a 
 couple hours, and when of a proper consistency add one stun 
 of coarse brown or Muscovado sugar, sluice the whole with 
 'ot water, and then pour it into the tile shapes, and you will 
 have for, for, for you may say werry little tin, one 'undred 
 werry good tiles. In course," added Mr. Jorrocks, "this 
 calkilation is not quite perfect; indeed I've not had time to 
 work the thing out properly, but you can give it as a werry 
 promisin' experiment, and one that will amply repay further 
 inwestigation." 
 
 " But I'm afraid I don't sufficiently understand the 
 thing myself, Mr. Mr. Mr. Jorrocks, to be able to explain 
 it to the farmers." 
 
 " Oh, never mind that," replied our worthy friend,
 
 IIILLIXGDOX HALL. 147 
 
 " never mind that. No questions axed on these occasions : 
 state broadly and confidently, and unless they've tried the 
 experiment themselves they can't contradict you. In this 
 case I'm sure they haven't tried it." 
 
 " But the sugar rather puzzles me," observed the Marquis. 
 
 " Not at all," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " not at all ; at all 
 ewents it only shows you don't rightly understand the 
 natur' o' sugar nothin' so glutinacious as sugar sugar 
 is of four kinds, brown or Muscovado, refined or loaf, sugar- 
 candy, and clayed sugar ; clayed sugar of itself would 
 bespeak a connection with drainin' tiles. The old ancients 
 used to think it was a gum collected from the canes, strong 
 as glue." 
 
 " But why not use the clayed sugar, instead of the 
 Muscovado ? " inquired the Marquis. 
 
 "Jest as you please," replied Mr. Jorrocks, "jest as you 
 please ; " adding aloud to himself " only there must le 
 sugar in the concern, or it won't suit my book botherin' my 
 'ead about it." 
 
 " Veil then, now you understand," resumed our grocer- 
 farmer Squire ; " you can let off wot you like at startin' 
 talk about Julius Ca3sar, Eomeo Coates, or any of them old 
 codgers, but you must lower your steam down to ordinary 
 levels ; and when you talk about the newest fashions in 
 farmin', you can introduce that tile as one of the newest 
 fashions you have heard of, if you don't like to say it's your 
 own. When you've done that, you can finish with my werry 
 good 'ealth, and refer with satisfaction to the ad wantage of 
 your appearin' before a body o' farmers under the auspices 
 of a gen'lman so distinguished in the annals o' agricultur' 
 as myself you twig ? Sugar again, in fact ! " 
 
 Just as our farmer friends had got thus far in their 
 arrangements, the " clatter versus patter " of Batsay's tongue 
 and dishes in the kitchen, together with certain savoury 
 smells, caught Mr. Jorrocks's nose and ear, and raising his 
 hand as if in the act of tallyhoing a fox, he exclaimed, 
 " ' Ark ! there's the joyful sound feedin' time's at 'and." 
 
 " What time is your breakfast ? " inquired the Marquis. 
 
 " Breakfast ! it's dinner ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks.
 
 148 HILLIffGDON HALL. 
 
 " What ! dinner at three ? " rejoined the Marquis, taking 
 the most diminutive Geneva watch out of his waistcoat 
 pocket. 
 
 " You surely wouldn't breakfast at three ! " observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks. 
 
 " Why, no ; but I thought it was what London people 
 call a breakfast soups, poultry, venison, pastry, everything 
 except fish something between three and seven you know." 
 
 " Call it vot you like," said Mr. Jorrocks, " I means to 
 make it my dinner and precious 'ungry I am too ; been 
 up since six 'mong the dandylions only had four heggs, 
 two chops, and a kidney : don't do for us farmers to lie long 
 in bed." 
 
 " I had better be dressing then," said the Marquis. 
 
 " Dressin' ! Vy, you're smart enough, I'm sure." 
 
 " Oh, but I can't appear in public in these travelling 
 things ; must be got up properly dress you know is half 
 the battle in speaking. My governess used to tell me that 
 if Tully himself had pronounced one of his orations with a 
 blanket about his shoulders, more people would have laughed 
 at his dress than admired his eloquence." 
 
 " 'Ang Tully," replied Mr. Jorrocks, in a fidget lest the 
 Marquis should keep his entertainment waiting ; " you can 
 jest wesh your 'ands, and put your fine clothes on arterwards ; 
 I'll bring you a basin and fowl in here, and save you the 
 trouble of goin' upstairs." 
 
 " Oh, but I want Adolphe ! " 
 
 " Adolphe ! Who the devil's Adolphe ? " 
 
 " My valet." 
 
 "Your walet! Surely your walet don't wash you, does 
 he?" 
 
 "No, but he arranges my hair it's all out of curl helps 
 me on with my clothes, and saves me a world of trouble ; 
 I'll ring for him, if you please." So saying, the Marquis 
 gave the bell a pull ; and Mr. Jorrocks, seeing there was no 
 alternative, conducted him up to his room, charging him 
 over and over again not to be above five minutes at most.
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 " When we have stuff d 
 
 These pipes and these conveyances of our blood 
 With wine and feeding, we have suppler souls 
 Than in our priest-like fasts." SHAKSPEAEE. 
 
 JOSHUA SNEAKINGTON having persuaded Mr. 
 Jorrocks that he had better leave the receipt 
 of rents and putting off requests and complaints 
 to him, had taken his seat in great form in 
 Mrs. Jorrocks's postage-stamped boudoir, with a portfolio, 
 inkstand, cash -box, and other paraphernalia of money-taking 
 before him. He had each tenant ushered in separately, 
 and was uncommonly pompous and precise with them all. 
 Joshua, like most country people, had just a sufficient know- 
 ledge of farming to be able to put proper questions, and of 
 course he was at home when discussing the state of farm- 
 houses and buildings ; moreover, there was a certain solemn 
 thoughtful manner about Joshua that looked like wisdom 
 and calculation. He would place his elbows on the table, 
 and rest his chin upon his hand, and draw a loquacious 
 tenant on by means of little coughs and monosyllabic re- 
 sponses until he had got everything out of him. His main 
 object was to sift whether they were desirous of leases 
 on the usual terms, of course a handsome douceur to the 
 steward. Joshua having at length dismissed the last tenant, 
 old Willey Goodheart, and replied to a strong expression of 
 fear he had charged his mind with from the Grampound 
 Gun and Tregony Times, relative to the injury the impor- 
 tation of foreign cattle was likely to do farmers, by assuring 
 Willey that his fears were past date, for the cattle had 
 come in and injured none but the importers, and the teeth
 
 150 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 of those who had tried them ; and having counted the 
 money and found it all right, and put everything away in a 
 style becoming a scientific stone-mason, went to join Mr. 
 Jorrocks, who was now receiving his farmer friends, who 
 were fast assembling with enormous appetites. Mr. Jorrocks 
 was coming the agriculturist in costume the Jorrockian 
 jacket, with a wheat ear and two or three heads of oats in 
 his button-hole, a bright buff waistcoat and gilt buttons, 
 patent cord shorts and rather baggy drab gaiters, showing 
 the whiteness of his stockings and the jolly rotundity of 
 his calves. He received his friends in his usual " hale fellow 
 well met " style, asked after the farmers' wives and daughters, 
 talked of turnips, aftermaths, and potato prospects, wishing 
 all the time the Marquis would come down. At length he 
 appeared ; not with a coronet on his head, as some of them 
 expected to see him, but clad in the height of ballroom 
 fashion, affording a striking contrast to the rural attire of 
 the company around. 
 
 Dinner, as the country servants say, was then "sarved." 
 It was in the usual style of Jorrockian liberality rounds of 
 beef and saddles of mutton, fillets of veal and sucking-pigs, 
 Avith puddings, pies, custards, jellies, tarts, all crammed on 
 together. There was a novelty in the centre of the table, 
 in the shape of a new horse-pail for an epergne. This was 
 intended to serve a double purpose, an epergne at dinner 
 and a punch-bowl after. It was painted white within and pea- 
 green without, with a plough on each side, and the mottoes, 
 " Speed the plough " and " Live and let live," above and 
 below, while tasteful garlands of real flowers encircled the 
 parts where the hoops came round. Altogether it was a 
 splendid affair and quite novel Mr. Jorrocks is a great 
 man for novelty. The Marquis, of course, was on the host's 
 right, Mr. Trotter was on his left, and down the long table 
 were ranged tenants and neighbours higgledy piggledy, 
 just as they came. The Marquis, who had been the object 
 of attention, was now deserted for the substantial viands 
 heaped before them. At them each man went, with a 
 vigour known only to rural appetites whetted by a long 
 fast. Jorrocks commenced by helping the Marquis to a
 
 IIILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 '5* 
 
 piece of beef that perfectly astounded him. Then there was 
 such ladling in with knives, such calling for ale, such 
 smacking of lips, such runs upon favourite dishes, until at 
 length the human voice divine, rising above the clatter of 
 knives and plates/ announced that nature was knocking 
 under, and in due time the decks began to be cleared. 
 The horse-pail, with a soup ladle for a spoon, having resumed 
 its position in the middle of the table all smoking and 
 reeking with rum punch, and such of the company as were 
 too genteel to drink " grog " being supplied with wine, 
 Mr. Jorrocks ran through the usual loyal and patriotic toasts, 
 as the newspapers phrase them, at a brisk pace, in his usual 
 felicitous manner, and then gathered himself together for 
 his great let off of the day. Having called upon Joshua 
 Sneakington, the vice, and Mr. Heavytail, who sat in charge 
 of the horse-pail, to see that their neighbours charged their 
 glasses, he gave a substantial hem and thus began : 
 
 " Frinds and fellow-farmers ! lend me your ears ! that's 
 to say, listen to wot I've got to say to ye. O my beloved 
 'earers, I've come to teach you a thing or two a thing or 
 two wot'll make men instead o' mice on ye if you will but 
 follow my adwice (applause). Believe me, I'm so chock full 
 o' knowledge that I can hardly get it out o' the bung'ole o' 
 my 'ead knowledge o' the purest kind, cull'd in the fairest 
 fields o' farmin' science (applause). Ah, my beloved 'earers, 
 that's to the pint, and your intelligent minds cap forrard 
 to the find. The first step towards knowledge is to be 
 satisfied of your ignorance ! there then you must all join ! 
 write yourselves down jackasses, and John Jorrocks will 
 put you on your legs again. Lord, wot a set o' benighted- 
 lookin' cocks you all are," added Mr. Jorrocks, casting his 
 eye up and down the lines of bald heads all turned towards 
 him. " I dare say there isn't a man among ye wot ever 
 heard o' Columella, or o' Cato, or o' Mr. Warro (Varro), 
 three o' the greatest farmers whatever were foal'd ; Wirgil, 
 too, I dare say you are ignorant on, and Smith o' Deanston, 
 the greatest benefactor the world ever saw monstrous 
 benefactor ! " 
 
 Here Mr. Jorrocks swigged off his punch, and from a
 
 152 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 bundle of papers before him having selected one, he re- 
 sumed. 
 
 " Having," said he, " introduced you to Columella, who I 
 take it was a sort o' Eoman Smith o' Deanston, I will read 
 you wot he said about this all-important subject. 
 
 " ' Many people imagine,' says Columella, 'that the sterility 
 of our lands, which are much less fertile than in times past, 
 proceeds from the intemperance o' the hair, the inclemency 
 o' the seasons, or the alteration o' the lands themselves, that 
 weakened and exhausted by long and continual labour, they 
 are at length incapable of producing their fruits with the 
 same wigour, and in the same abundance as they were wont 
 to do afore. But this is all an error.' * 
 
 "There, frinds and fellow-farmers," said Mr. Jorrocks, 
 " is the selfsame story that we have nowadays. ' The 
 seasons are changed ! ' says each lazy 'ound, throwin' himself 
 on his bed, or bustin' into tears in a fit o' despair. ' The 
 intemperance o' the hair destroys all one's efforts,' says 
 another, as he sneaks off to the public-'ouse. * The land's 
 worked out ! ' says another, slopin' off t in the night without 
 payin' his rent. 
 
 " That's all my eye ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks. " I minds 
 the fable o' the dyin' man and his sons, who he summoned 
 about him. ' My sons,' said he, ' I'm a-goin' to cut my stick, 
 wot I leaves behind you'll find buried a foot and a 'alf under 
 ground.' Well, the old gen'lman was as good as his word, 
 and went ; and after they'd got his remainders interred, 
 they set about lookin' for the silver, each with a spade, a 
 diggin' for 'ard life a foot and an 'alf under ground. How- 
 somever, nothin' wotever turned up, and in all 'umane 
 probability the old gen'lman was jest a 'oaxing on 'em to 
 make 'em work the land well, for the consequence of all 
 this diggin' was that they got sich amazin' crops as proved a 
 treasure of themselves. That was werry well done," observed 
 
 * This is part of Mr. Jorrocks's prigging. It will be found nearly word 
 for word in one of Nimrod's agricultural articles, in the New Sporting 
 Magazine. 
 
 t " Sloping off" was a new term to us for the old trick of bolting with- 
 out paying the rent, and perhaps it may be so to the reader.
 
 H1LLINGDOX HALL. 153 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, handing his glass up for some more punch. 
 " Believe me, beloved frinds and fellow-countrymen, the 
 intemperance o' man has much more to do with the mis- 
 fortins o' the land, than the intemperance o' the hair. The 
 intemperance o' the hair is a mere matter o' inexpensive 
 moisture, but the intemperance o' man is a double drain, 
 a drain on his self and a drain on the soil. Not that J. J. 
 would deny a farmer a cheerful glass, or conwert a 
 
 ' Bold peasantry, a country's pride,' 
 
 into a lot o' cantin', lily-livered, water-drinkin' 'umbugs ; 
 but drunkenness and farmin' cannot thrive together, and the 
 sooner a man wot opens a reglar account with the lush 
 crib shuts up shop, the better. 
 
 " Then as to the land bein' weaken'd and exhausted by 
 continual labour, that too is all my eye. If men, from 
 want o' farmin' knowledge, will force crops upon the soil 
 wot it has no taste for, no doubt you may make the land 
 sick, jest as you might make yourselves so by eatin' figs it 
 you don't like them, or have served an apprenticeship to a 
 grocer. It's jest the same thing. A grocer surfeits his 
 'prentices with figs at startin', and the youth never wants 
 none after : so if you surfeit your land with wot we French- 
 men called ' toujours perdrix,' goose every day, you can't be 
 surprised if it at length refuse to grow wheats. 
 
 " Farmers are a long way behind the intelligence o' the 
 day a monstrous long way. They seem to me to travel 
 by the 'eavy Falmouth, instead o' the dartin' rally. By- 
 and-by, when Mr. 'Enson accomplishes flyin', p'raps they'll 
 take to steam. You all go too much in the old track ; 
 wot your fathers did, you do ; confound your stupidity. I 
 want to put some new skylights into your 'eads. There 
 was a great man, his name was Bacon he wore a conical 
 pointed hat, with a frill round his neck, and wrote a book 
 which they call Bacon's Essays, and among other sensible 
 things he put in it was one about peoplin' a country ; says 
 he, In a new country, first look about what kind o' wittle 
 the country yields of itself to 'and, as chestnuts, walnuts, 
 pine-apples, and make use on 'em.' That, gen'lmen, is wot
 
 154 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 I adwises you to do. If your land won't grow barley, try 
 summut else, pine-apples* for instance. Nothin' pays 
 better nor pine-apples, nor can anything be finer eatin'. 
 Byron, I think, said that ' critics alone are ready made ; ' 
 but there he was wrong, for farmers are also 'eaven-born, 
 thick 'ead and thick shoes seems all that is wanted to make 
 one. There was a gen'lman called Smith, in all 'umane 
 probability he was the father of that now werry numerous 
 family, for his Christian name was Hadam. Hadam Smith, 
 I say, wrote a book, and among other intelligent things he 
 put in it was the following, which I cut out for the purpose 
 of stickin' into my speech. 
 
 " ' No 'prenticeship has ever been thought necessary to 
 qualify for 'usbandry, the great trade o' the country ; but after 
 what are called the fine arts, and the liberal professions, there 
 is no trade which requires so great a wariety of knowledge 
 and experience.' 
 
 " Werry true," observed Mr. Jorrocks, swigging off his 
 punch. " Farmin', my frinds, is in its infancy, nay, hardly 
 that. Tou've all seen a butterfly afore it is hatch'd, when 
 in its chrysillis state, dead and inanimate. You are jest like 
 them, and I'm a-goin' to break the shell o' your ignorance, 
 and start you into life ! set you on your legs ! make men 
 instead o' mice o' you ! so give me some more panch. 
 
 " No one knows what human skill may accomplish," con- 
 tinued he, as soon as his glass was returned. "I've lived a 
 liberal allowance : not that I'm old, far from it ; but I've seen 
 summut o' life, and not gone through the world with my 
 eyes shut ; indeed a man can't travel that way in the City, 
 and I minds the time when steam and gas were thought all 
 my eye and Miss Elizabeth Martin, and coachin' was looked 
 upon as the perfection o' travellin'. A hunt in Surrey was 
 all a Cockney could aspire ; now Mr. Lockhart, that great man 
 wot does the Quarterly Review, says that they can take the 
 
 * The Duke of Donkeyton, if our readers remember, observed to Mr. 
 Jorrocks, that farmers tried crops that the soil had no taste for ; adding, 
 " that corn did not grow well in their country but wood throve, the pine 
 tribe in particular." Our worthy friend seems to have mistaken pine- 
 trees for pine-apples.
 
 HILLINGDO^ HALL. 155 
 
 cream o' Leicestershire for their day. 'Stonishin' work ! 
 But that's beside the question ; another pair o' shoes, as we 
 say in France. Farmin' is the subject o' this discourse. 
 There's no sayin' what skilful farmin' may do science, 
 machinery, and the use o' manures. Folks talk o' Peel, but 
 I thinks nothin' o' Peel ; Graham neither. Smith o' Dean- 
 ston's the man ! the greatest benefactor the world ever saw 
 monstrous benefactor ! Who ever 'card o' drainin' afore 
 Smith o' Deanston inwented it ? " Something like murmurs 
 of dissent follow this inquiry. 
 
 "It is a mistake to suppose that any fool will make a 
 farmer. A farmer should be a philosopher, an astrologer, 
 a chemist, an engineer, a harchitect, a doctor, I don't know 
 what else. 
 
 " This \verry mornin' I made a remark that may be the 
 foundation of a most important diskivery. As I was a shavin', 
 I looked out o' the window, and there I saw Mrs. J.'s 'ens a 
 scratchin' and scatterin' the new-mown grass with all the 
 regularity of 'ay-makers. Who knows but by the applica- 
 tion of of of application of somethin', those useful birds 
 may be made still more serviceable by conwertin' them into 
 'ay-makers. Turnin' a whole drove into a field, and making 
 them do on a great scale wot I saw them this morning doin' 
 on a small one. Why shouldn't the cold-water cure be 
 successful in stables, and the homoeopath be tried among 
 cows? 
 
 " But them are twopenny affairs compared with the 
 great golden sovereign pound-cake of steam and engineerin' 
 skill. I've got an inwention in my 'ead in course I tells 
 you this in strict confidence, lest some unprincipled wagga- 
 bone should filch me of it. But I've got an inwention in 
 my 'ead at all ewents, the notion of an inwention, that I 
 wentures to say will work wonders in the terrestrial globe 
 flabbergaster the world ! It's a steam happaratus or 
 hengine that will do at one c go ' wot now takes I doesn't 
 know how many 'ands, and how many 'osses, or how many 
 hours to accomplish. It is, I say, an inwention so compli- 
 cated in its detail, and yet so simple in its performance, 
 that unless I am half asleep on my pillow o' repose, I am
 
 i 5 6 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 sometimes bother'd myself to compass its extraordinary 
 capabilities. 
 
 " Then as I lay all at ease, 'alf sleepin', or 'alf seas 
 over, I sees its every part working away with all the 
 ease imaginable, jest like a thing I've been used to all 
 my life. 
 
 " Mrs. Ceres and Mr. Morpheus," continued Mr. 
 Jorrocks, casting his eyes with supplicating air up at the 
 ceiling, " look benignantly down and grant your worshipful 
 admirer power to describe to these enduring boobies all wot 
 I have seen in balmy somnifulo, somnifulorum. And you, 
 Mr. Bacchus, or, at all ewents, Mr. Brandy and Water us, 
 give us a left in this most mo-men-tous crisis, to explain 
 this most laudable but werry complicated affair ! I've 
 caught the idea," continued Mr. Jorrocks, " and thinks I can 
 go on. In my mind's eye, I see a ten-hacre wheat-field, 
 yellow as gold, and level as a die, and my monster reaper 
 a-snortin' at the gate. The gate hopens, the steam's hup, 
 and in he comes. Forrod he moves straight up the rig, 
 and, as he goes, the yellow grain is cut by the ground not 
 a hinch o' stubble left and falls upon plates like the 
 receiving plates of a paper mill then it turns suddenly 
 round and ascends the second floor, where the heat o' the 
 biler seasons the grain, and a wop of a flail sends it bang 
 out of the hear. Again, it takes another turn, and behold 
 it's landed on the third floor, all dry and mellow for Teddy 
 the grinder round go the stones, crush goes the grain, and in 
 the twinklin' of an eye, the waving wheat is turned into 
 flour, jest as one sees an old coat in a paper mill go in at 
 one end and come out a sheet o' paper at t'other. Wondrous 
 miracle ! but still more wondrous yet is Mr. Jorrocks's 
 miracle, for the same monster engine wot does all this up- 
 stairs, ploughs the land by machinery down in the area, so 
 that reapin' and sowin' go 'and in 'and, like the Siamese 
 twins, or a lady and gen'lman advancin' in a quadrille, or 
 the poker.* 
 
 " Oh, but science is the ticket ; neat genuine unadul- 
 
 * "La Polka," we presume. Printer's Gentleman.
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 157 
 
 terated science. Everything now should be done by science. 
 The world's on the wing, and why shouldn't farmers take 
 flight ? Look at Mr. 'Enson ! There's a man o' pith for 
 you. If I had 'ounds, I'd take a great hair ship, and fly to 
 'Merica, to Jones of Faire Knowe, and give him a good 
 quiltin' for his imperance to me in Jonathan's Magazine ; 
 then I'd 'unt the ' red and grey,' and fly back to my farm 
 surrounded with brushes, all in three days 'three glorious 
 days,' as Monsieur Frog- eater Frenchman would say. 
 Flyin' and farmin' may seem ill assorted, and certainlie you 
 don't look like likely birds ; but there's a deal in 'Enson 
 that may be useful to agriculture. Had he got his machine 
 under way, we should have heard nothin' o' Rebecca and 
 her darters, for farmers would have put their corn, and 
 their pigs, and their poultry, and their charmin' wives and 
 accomplished darters into their flyin' machines, and bilked 
 all the pikes in the land (loud cheers). Ah, my frinds and 
 fellow-farmers, I see you're awakin' from your long trance 
 of indolence to the day-dawn of intellect and sunshiny times. 
 Look again, I say, at science and Mr. 'Enson ! Suppose 
 you alighted at your accustom'd country town, and found 
 the market glutted, and prices fallin', wot would you have 
 to do, but bundle up your traps, take wing again, and cut 
 to other places ? (Renewed cheers.) 
 
 " No pikes, no tickets, no tolls, no market dues, no 
 mayors, no corporations, no inns, no ostlers, no 'orrid 
 exactions. 
 
 ' Corn, by the hair, at sight o' 'uman ties 
 Cuts its light stick, and in Mr. 'Enson flies.' 
 
 (Repeated cheers.) 
 
 " There, gen'lmen frinds and fellow-farmers, I should 
 say," continued Mr. Jorrocks, as the applause subsided, " I've 
 got your steam up, by the hargumentum ad pocketum. Let 
 us now take a good swig o' punch." 
 
 The punch having been liberally dealt out, and the bottles 
 having made their movements, our worthy Squire resumed 
 his legs, and again proceeded to address the company. 
 " Having now, my beloved 'earers," said he, " given you an
 
 158 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 insight into the deplorable state of puppy-like blindness 
 in which you've been livin', I now come to the means of 
 improvin' the light wot has bust upon you, and overtakin' 
 science afore it runs clean away from farmin' altogether. 
 You have all doubtless heard of Agricultural 'Sociations, 
 and 'Sociations for the encouragement of Long 'Orns and 
 Short 'Orns, and all that sort o' thing ; and though it would 
 ill become us to follow in the beaten track of seven pund for 
 the best tup, three pund for the biggest pig, or five pund 
 for the man wot has the biggest family of little 'uns ; still 
 we may learn something from the 'sociations in existence, 
 and take their plans for our outline. Poor example, as we 
 say in France, I would elect a President, a Wice-President, 
 a Sec, and a Committee of white wands ; and I would also 
 have shows, and give premiums for best balls, best boars, 
 best black-faced gimmers, with in course dinners for gen'lmen 
 to butter each other at : but I'd extend the scheme, and 
 have punishments as well as prizes. 
 
 "I knows in these 'umanity, ante-'angin' times, punish- 
 ment is quite out o' fashion, and everything must be done 
 by the noble spirit o' emulation, jest as if you could make a 
 string o' donkeys race like Newmarket 'osses. I heard tell 
 of one o' them peripetetic 'umbugs, wot all administrations 
 pawn on the public, called a commissioner, or Paul Pryer, 
 who was a-goin' about, inquirin' into the management of 
 those modern palaces called gaols, and he stopped at ours 
 to pour his quart of ignorance on the gaoler ; well, he went 
 his rounds into this cell, out o' that cell, up to this apart- 
 ment, down to that apartment, and wonderful to relate, he 
 hadn't a hole to pick. * Werry well manish'd,' said he, 
 takin' a consequential pinch o' snuff, ' werry well manish'd 
 indeed does your beaks great credit werry quiet werry 
 orderly the ladies and gen'lmen whom you 'ave in charge 
 seem werry 'ealthy werry 'appy werry com fey pray wot's 
 your system ? ' ' Oh, the system's simple enough,' replied 
 the gaoler, ' when they don't be 'ave we trounce 'em well/ 
 ' All wrong ! ' exclaimed the commissioner, throwin' up his 
 hands in 'orror, ' all wrong together ! reward should be the 
 incentive o' wirtue, and not the fear of punishment.'
 
 A 1 HALL. 159 
 
 " ' That may do werry well in ladies' seminaries,' replied 
 the gaoler, ' but it von't act here.' 
 
 " So much for 'umanity and 'umbug: I really believes 
 much o' this nonsense has been engender'd by the poppilar 
 melody, 
 
 ' If I had a donkey vot vouldn't go, 
 Do you think I'd wollop him ? oh, no, no ! ' 
 
 and the hauthor has much to answer for. 
 
 " It's all my eye apply in' the same rule to everything 
 some may be led, but others must be driven. My frind 
 Willey Goodheart, there, for instance, wants no tellin', he 
 sees all wot's wanted, and does it of himself; but old 
 Tommy Sloggers waits and waits to see if the thing won't 
 do itself, and at length, findin' it doesn't, he either leaves 
 it alone altogether, or does it at the wrong time. Wot- 
 ever may be the season, whatever crops may fail, Tommy 
 Sloggers is sure of one thing, a good crop o' weeds. I 
 found a thistle at his back door t'other day, carryin' its 
 wood from the ground like a hoak, and branchin' out like 
 the genealogical tree of a ducal family. It was a superb 
 specimen o' the genus it must have grown and flourished 
 for weeks ; for it had flowers, and it had seeds, and as 
 many 'eads as a hydra it was well calculated to stock ten 
 hacres o' land, and yet Tommy Sloggers had passed that 
 werry thistle mornin', noon, and night, and had never taken 
 the trouble to give it a back ''ander with his stick. Few 
 men, perhaps, have magnanimity enough to knock thistles 
 off their neighbour's 'edges, but surely one would think 
 they would do so off their own. Not so my frind Sloggers ; 
 he would see them spring, and flower, and seed, and droop, 
 afore he'd be at the trouble of raisin' his 'and. Wot can 
 one do with sich slugs ? Will the brightest medal o' the 
 purest gold, with the most flowering superscription wot- 
 ever was wrote, put life and activity into sich lubbers ? 
 Assuredly not. Then, I say, let us try wot the rewerse 
 will do. Let us add to our premiums and prizes a dis- 
 tinguishin' emblem for the greatest lout in the country. In 
 addition to five or ten sovs. for the best-managed farm, let us
 
 i6o HILUNGDON HALL. 
 
 give somethin' to the worst. Let us strike a medal with 
 the evil gen'lman on one side, and a big thistle on t'other, 
 to be worn round the neck of the fortinate obtainer for one 
 whole year, so that, wherever he goes, to church, or to 
 market, or to the public, where he is most likely to be 
 found, people may pint and say, ' There goes the most 
 slovenly farmer in the county ; ' and let us show to England 
 to Europe show to Europe, Hasia, Hafrica, and 'Merica, 
 that while we foster talent, encourage hemulation and in- 
 dustry, we put our big toe of detestation and obbrobrium on 
 slovenliness, hignorance, and sloth." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks sat down amidst loud and long-continued 
 cheering. 
 
 When the applause had subsided, and our friend had 
 quaffed off a large glass of punch that had been cooling 
 before him, he again rose and said " Gen'lmen, I sat down 
 because I wished to finish my speech with a splash, and hear 
 what quantity of applause my eloquence would obtain. I 
 have now ascertained that ; and I'm bund to say, you have 
 done the genteel by me. I am quite content ; and I now 
 come to wot I should have finished the speech with if I 
 hadn't been desirous of keepin' the two accounts separate. 
 We are honoured this day, as you doubtless all know, with 
 the presence of the distinguished scion of the most noble 
 'ouse in this county a nobleman young in 'ears, but old in 
 'usbandry one who, while cultivatin' the classics, has also 
 had an eye to the clay one who looks proudly forward 
 to protectin' your interests in that august assembly called 
 the 'Ouse o' Commons (cheers) one who, moreover, takes 
 sich delight and interest in our doin's as to have signified 
 his intention of becomin' the President of our 'Sociation 
 (loud cheers). Need I after sich an announcement entertain 
 a doubt as to its success ? Oh, surely not ! The sun of 
 science has bust upon us from the portals of Donkeyton 
 Castle, and though no President likes to hear another more 
 loudly cheered than himself, I do assure you from the 
 bottom of my breeches pocket, that I shall not take it 
 the least amiss if you wisit the name o' the Markis o' Bray 
 with the heaviest round o' Kentish fire wotever was issued.
 
 HILL1XGDOX HALL. 161 
 
 Gen'lmen, I beg to propose, with all imaginable 'onours, the 
 health o' the Marquis o' Bray, the noble President of our 
 '"Sociation." 
 
 The toast was drunk with tremendous applause, Mr. Jor- 
 rocks acting as fugleman " but as we mustn't over-egg 
 the pudding," as the Yorkshire farmers say, we will reserve 
 the other proceedings of the evening for another chapter.
 
 ( 162 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 " We see no difficulty in organising a College of Agriculture, and we 
 can suggest a few of the probable professorships. Of course there will 
 be a chair of new-laid eggs, which the professor of poultry would be well 
 qualified to occupy. Degrees will be conferred in guano ; and a series 
 of lectures on the philosophy of making hay when the sun shines would, 
 no doubt, be exceedingly popular. "We should propose that, previous to 
 matriculation, every student should be required to undergo an examina- 
 tion on moral philosophy in connection with chaff, and the efficacy of 
 thrashing by hand when the ears are unusually lengthy. Corresponding 
 with the university Masters of Arts, there could be Bachelors of Barley ; 
 and the undergraduates might be brought direct to the Agricultural 
 College from plough, as they are now brought to the universities imme- 
 diately from Harrow." Punch. 
 
 'HE last chapter left Mr. Jorrocks and friends at 
 the critical point of drinking and applauding 
 the Marquis's health. When the cheering had 
 subsided, our butterfly friend rose, and with 
 one hand resting on the table, and the other stuck in his 
 side, thus proceeded to address the meeting : 
 
 " Mr. Jorrocks and Gentlemen, I do not know that I 
 can adequately express the very great pleasure and satis- 
 faction I experience at the flattering manner in which my 
 health has been proposed by my valuable friend," turning to 
 Mr. Jorrocks with, " if he will allow me to call him so." 
 
 " Certainly" replied our worthy host, "certainly " adding 
 aloud to himself, " wonders who wouldn't." 
 
 " And," continued the Marquis, " received by this great 
 and enlightened assembly (loud cheers) an assembly com- 
 posed of a class of men second to none in loyalty, attach- 
 ment to the constitution and the crown, and renowned for 
 their intelligence, independence, and spirit."
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 163 
 
 Renewed cheers, increased perhaps from the sentence 
 being so unlike the style in which Mr. Jorrocks had addressed 
 them, and the description he had given of them. 
 
 " Gentlemen, in all times, in all ages, the science of agri- 
 culture has been fostered and encouraged by the greatest of 
 men by all whom the page of history records as famous in 
 the annals of countries (cheers). The greatest statesmen 
 the greatest scholars the greatest generals have each 
 found, in turning from their schemes of government, their 
 studies or the toils of warfare, solace and enjoyment in the 
 harmless simplicity and the interesting relaxation it affords. 
 Every man whose opinion is valuable every man whose 
 breast glows with a genuine feeling of patriotism joins in 
 testifying the importance of agriculture. Columella, the 
 author so happily referred to by our classical and distin- 
 guished host, wrote ably and ardently on this interesting 
 point. He insisted on the importance of agricultural train- 
 ing and scientific improvement. ' I see at Home,' says 
 he, c schools of philosophy, rhetoric, geometry, music, and, 
 what is more astonishing, of people not solely employed in 
 the arts of luxury some in preparing dishes, intended to 
 sharpen the appetite and excite gluttony, and others in 
 making artificial curls for adorning the head ; but not one 
 for agriculture. The rest,' he adds, ' might well be spared ; 
 and the republic have flourished long without any of these 
 frivolous arts ; but it is impossible to dispense with that of 
 husbandry, because upon that life itself depends (applause). 
 Besides,' asks this enlightened man, ' is there a more honest 
 or legal method of increasing a patrimony than by good 
 cultivation of it ? Is the profession of arms of this kind ? 
 Is the acquisition of spoils, dyed with human blood, and 
 amassed by the ruin of our fellow-creatures ? Or can 
 commerce be compared with it, which, tearing citizens from 
 their native country, exposes them to the fury of the winds 
 and seas, dragging them into unknown worlds in pursuit of 
 wealth ? Is the trade of usury more laudable odious and 
 fatal as it is, even to those whom it seems to relieve ? Are 
 any of these occupations to be compared with wise and 
 innocent agriculture, which the depravity of our notions
 
 164 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 alone can render contemptible, and, consequently, unprofit- 
 able and useless ? ' We read," continued his lordship, 
 "that Numa Pompilius, one of the wisest of kings, divided 
 the whole Eoman territory into cantons, and had an exact 
 return made of the manner in which each department was 
 cultivated, and the names of the most scientific farmers of 
 that day. Ancus Martius, the fourth king of the Romans, 
 trod in the steps of Numa ; and Hiero the Second wrote 
 a work on agriculture, as did Attilus, king of Pergamus ; 
 whilst Mago, the Carthaginian general, wrote no less than 
 twenty-eight volumes upon fai'ming, which were preserved 
 by Scipio at the taking of Carthage, and presented as a 
 treasure to the Roman Senate. Attilus was found sowing 
 corn when ambassadors from Rome came to invite him to 
 the consulship ; and the story of Cincinnatus being taken 
 from the plough to the dictatorship is doubtless familiar to 
 you all." Cheers followed this piece of confidence in their 
 knowledge. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks hemmed and stroked his chin. 
 
 " If we look at home, who can for a moment doubt the 
 advantages the virtuous simplicity of a country life possesses 
 over the confinement of cities ? Look at the robust offspring 
 of country parents, and compare them with the squalid objects 
 in town streets. Who would barter the wild freedom of 
 rural life for the impure and pent-up atmosphere of the 
 crowded city ? " 
 
 " It's not so lad, nouther," remarked Mr. Jorrocks aloud, 
 with a shake of his head, thinking of the salubrity of St. 
 Botolph's Lane, where the greater part of his days had been 
 
 " Gentlemen," continued the Marquis, " can I, with all 
 the bright examples of antiquity before me with all the 
 noble emulation of modern times around me can I re- 
 main insensible to the paramount importance of agricultural 
 energy and improvement ? Can I see the tenfold return 
 of other parts, and not wish to witness the same efforts and 
 the same success at home ? " 
 
 " Mind the shug" whispered Mr. Jorrocks, in one of his 
 audible whispers.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 165 
 
 " And, gentlemen, how is it that so desirable a consumma- 
 tion is to be obtained ? By the co-operation of parties and 
 the communication of ideas ! By Agricultural Associations 
 in fact ! " (Cheers.) 
 
 " Shiig" repeated Mr. Jorrocks 
 
 " My noble friend that is to say, my excellent friend on 
 my left with his all-powerful and comprehensive mind, has 
 imparted a discovery to this meeting of which I really am 
 at a loss to say whether the originality of the conception or 
 the boldness of the execution is the most astonishing. My 
 noble friend that is to say, my learned friend that is to 
 say, my excellent friend, is indeed a man to whom a country 
 nay, an universe may well look up with the all-inspiring 
 confidence of perfect security. I know no man so qualified 
 to lead the sons of darkness into the lights of science as our 
 excellent and most distinguished host." (Loud applause.) 
 
 " Werry good," said Mr. Jorrocks ; " werry good mind 
 the shug " 
 
 " His monster reaper will make the name of Jorrocks 
 famous wherever farming science spreads, and English 
 honesty is respected. It is by the interchange of ideas 
 such as these that science is promoted, and farming 
 flourishes. Instead of keeping the noble invention to 
 himself and astonishing the country with its performances 
 on his own property instead of amassing wealth as wealth 
 most assuredly must be amassed by such an admirable con- 
 trivance my noble friend that is to say, my agricultural 
 friend, with all the generous openness of confiding liberality, 
 assembles his friends and fellow-farmers here this evening, 
 in all the bounty of old English hospitality, and frankly tells 
 them the discovery he has made. And in what a fine vein 
 of poetic spirit did he make the announcement ! Instead of 
 saying, * I've got a machine that will cut your corn and 
 grind it at the same time ' " 
 
 " And plough the land ! " roared Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Instead, I say, gentlemen, of saying, c I've got a machine 
 that will cut your corn and plough your land at the same 
 time ' " 
 
 " And grind your corn ! " screamed Mr. Jorrocks.
 
 1 66 HILLIXGDON FALL. 
 
 " Instead, I say, my lords, of saying, ' I've got a machine 
 that will cut and grind your corn and plough the land at 
 the same time ' he invokes the aid of the heathen mythology 
 to describe its performances. And here it is where all after 
 speakers must feel the feebleness of their own resources 
 (applause and cries of " No, no ") ; at all events, other dis- 
 coveries or other communications must sink into insigni- 
 ficance by the side of our excellent host's. His monster 
 reaper swallows all up ! Yet, my lords and gentlemen, 
 there are matters connected with farming, though apparently 
 trifling compared with the topics on which our noble that 
 is to say, our scientific host, has touched with such a master 
 hand, that nevertheless may not be wholly beneath your 
 consideration and attention. Our noble host that is to 
 say, our hospitable host, has glanced with prophetic spirit 
 at the flights by air and steam farming may yet undergo. 
 But leaving those lofty altitudes, so well befitting the soaring 
 genius of his capacious mind, I will venture to request your 
 attention for a few moments while we look at the humbler 
 preparations for calling that noble and comprehensive engine 
 into play, or freighting the car of the aerial ship. It is 
 too trite a truism perhaps to observe, that without proper 
 preparation of the ground, monster engines will have little to 
 reap ; and there is one subject connected with the prepara- 
 tion of the ground for productive sowing that at the present 
 day occupies no small portion of public attention I allude 
 of course to the grand discovery of draining. Draining, 
 gentlemen, I believe, may be looked upon as one of the 
 greatest discoveries of modern times. Moreover, it is not 
 included in the comprehensive performances of our host's 
 monster reaper. Had our forefathers been acquainted with 
 the merits of draining, I think I may venture to say, the 
 land would have been doubly productive at the present day. 
 That operation may be carried on in a variety of ways ; but 
 as there are constantly improvements turning up in this very 
 important branch of domestic industry, if I may so call it, I 
 think it is very important that farmers should be in posses- 
 sion of the latest and most improved invention, because the 
 saying is as old as the hills, that whatever is worth doing at
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 167 
 
 all is worth doing well ; and it would be very provoking to 
 find, after you had gone to a certain degree of trouble and 
 expense about a thing, that if you had made inquiry you 
 would have found there was a process both cheaper and 
 better. The invention, gentlemen, to which I allude, I under- 
 stand is allowed to supersede all others, by reason of an extra- 
 ordinary ingredient that would never enter the head of any 
 but a most scientific and practical chemist to add namely, 
 the glutinacious, saccharine matter, called clayed sugar." 
 
 " Werry good," observed Mr. Jorrocks, tapping his fork 
 against the table to raise applause and suppress a slight 
 disposition to titter ; " werry good, I say ! " 
 
 " The recipe, with that exception, gentlemen, is very 
 simple, the ingredients being generally come-at-able clay, 
 river-sand, and gravel, lime, well mixed and stirred up to- 
 gether, and then poured into the shapes, when, for a very 
 trifling expense, you have some very capital tiles." 
 
 " Werry durable" whispered Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 "And very durable also," continued the Marquis; "no 
 small recommendation, I imagine, to any invention." 
 
 " Werry good," observed Mr. Jorrocks, adding aloud to 
 himself, with a jerk of the head, " the chap has summut 
 in him." 
 
 " Having now, my lords and gentlemen," continued the 
 Marquis, " trespassed, I fear, already too lengthily on your 
 valuable time, in glancing at the importance of agricultural 
 science, little remains for me to say but to repeat to you my 
 most cordial and heartfelt thanks for the kind and enthusi- 
 astic manner in which the toast of my health has been pro- 
 posed and received ; and allow me to assure the meeting that 
 the cause of agriculture and the farming interest is deeply 
 engraved on my heart's core ; and in whatever situation of 
 life I may be placed, the honour you have conferred upon me, 
 in electing me President of your Agricultural Association, will 
 ever remain the proudest the most gratifying recollection 
 of rny existence, and the farmer's interest and my own will 
 henceforth remain irretrievably interwoven together. " 
 
 His lordship resumed his seat amidst loud and long-con- 
 tinued applause.
 
 1 68 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 The punch and bottles again began to circulate, and the 
 usual criticism of Mr. Jorrocks's speech, that had been 
 averted by the immediate rising of the Marquis, now began 
 to flow, each man turning to his neighbour, or groups of 
 three or four laying their heads together, and discussing 
 what they had heard. 
 
 " Ah, but he has a grand tongue ! " exclaimed old Willey 
 Goodheart, as he ceased rapping the table with his fork, in 
 mute astonishment. " Ah, but he has a grand tongue ! " 
 repeated he to his neighbour, Johnny Wopstraw. 
 
 " Why, now, upon the who-o-ole, I should say our Squire's 
 full as fine a talker as him," replied Wopstraw. 
 
 " Ah, the Squire 's a grand tongue, too," exclaimed Willey ; 
 " I'll lay he'd make a grand speech about anything." 
 
 "What sort o' things are these pine-apples our Squire 
 talked about ? " asked another of his neighbour. " I never 
 see them mentioned in the papers." 
 
 " He's all wrong about draining," whispered another to 
 his neighbour ; " it's nothing new my grandfather drained 
 I'd have had all the wet off my farm before now if I had 
 had the money." 
 
 "I wish these gen'lmen mayn't be o'er-wise for the 
 country," observed Mr. Heavytail, in his usual loud and 
 audible voice, to his opposite neighbour, as he ladled him a 
 bumper of punch ; " I've been a farmer, man and boy, these 
 fifty years, and heard a vast of fine speeches, but I never 
 heard nothing to ekle this about the air carriages. What 
 will my old girl say when I bid her spread her wings and 
 fly to market instead of riding old Dobbin or Smiler ? " 
 
 " Ah, but the engine's the thing ! " interposed another ; 
 " there'll be no use for horses at all, if we're to plough by 
 steam, and fly to market. I wish I was well shot o' mine, 
 for when this gets wind, nobody will take a horse in a gift." 
 
 " Dear, what would old Squire Westbury say, if he could 
 rise from his grave, and see all this, poor man ? " observed 
 another. " I'm sure when they got the railway made, I 
 thought that was a wonder that never could be beat ; but 
 now down comes a new Squire with new wonders that quite 
 beat the old wonders out of sight."
 
 ILTLLIXGDOX HALL. iC 9 
 
 " These Lunnuners are terrible wise people. I'm sure I 
 don't know how I shall carry all home what they've said," 
 observed another, turning a tumbler of punch down his 
 throat, as if to keep the knowledge safe. 
 
 A loud knocking at the top of the table arrested the 
 noise and conversation ; and Mr. Jorrocks having obtained 
 silence for his noble guest, the latter again rose and addressed 
 the company. 
 
 " Mr. Vice-Chairman and Gentlemen," said he, " with the 
 permission of the chair. I rise to propose a toast that I feel 
 well assured will meet the enthusiastic approbation of this 
 meeting a meeting composed of friends and neighbours, 
 who must as thoroughly appreciate the amiable, hospitable, 
 and truly patriotic character of which it is the subject a 
 character, permit me to observe, gentlemen, known only in 
 this highly-favoured kingdom, and one which, when it shines 
 forth in its brightest purest light, as in the present instance, 
 needs fear no comparison with coroneted, or even with 
 crowned, heads the character of an English gentleman." 
 (Loud cheers.) 
 
 " Quite true," observed Mr. Jorrocks aloud to himself; 
 " quite true" repeated he, with an emphasis. 
 
 " I know no more delightful sight," continued the 
 Marquis, "than to see an English gentleman surrounded 
 by his friends and tenantry dispensing with liberal hand 
 that generous hospitality of which we have all partaken so 
 largely this day, and radiating the minds of all with the 
 lights and erudition that his well-applied means, leisure, 
 and genius enable him to glean and cull in every field of 
 science and information (loud cheers). No one, I feel 
 assured, could have listened to the eloquent language of my 
 noble friend, that is to say, of my honourable friend, without 
 being struck with the perfect mastery he exhibited of his 
 subject a mastery acquired by clear-headed judgment and 
 observation, combined with long experience and practical 
 husbandry. I cannot sufficiently felicitate this country on 
 the acquisition of so truly valuable an ornament (cheers). 
 I feel that under his fostering care, prosperity, bright un- 
 equalled prosperity, will reign triumphant throughout this
 
 i ;o HILLIXGDOX HALL 
 
 vale, and that all eyes will be turned to a man who promises 
 such miracles to farmers. Without trespassing further on 
 your attention, I beg to propose, with all the honours, the 
 health of our excellent host, Mr. Jorrocks." 
 
 The toast being received with most uproarious applause, 
 amid the bountiful replenishment of the horse-pail, con- 
 siderable time elapsed ere silence was sufficiently restored 
 to enable our worthy Squire to make his acknowledgments. 
 At length he began. 
 
 "My Lord Markis and gen'lmen," said he, sticking a 
 hand into each breeches pocket, " you have certain^ served 
 me out a considerable deal o' butter and applause, which I 
 feels considerably your debtors for. My Lord Markis has 
 one adwantage over me in the way of talk ; he has his 
 jawin' tackle much handier nor I have, for though I can 
 make you a werry hoiley, beautiful oration when I've time to 
 consider my subject, I'm not quite so good a 'and at reply ; 
 runnin' heel as it were, and observin' on another gen'lman's 
 discourse at least, not unless he's told me afore'and wot 
 he's a goin' to say, which is not the case on the present 
 occasion. Howsomever, it's a deal plisanter to be praised nor 
 abused, and I'm sure I may say I'm always ready for praise, 
 because I thinks I deserves it ; I feels extremely grateful 
 for all the fine things the Markis has said on me. I'm sure 
 he thinks what he says. There's no manner of doubt at 
 all whatsomever, that between us we shall make farmin' a 
 werry different thing to what it has been. The diskivery 
 my noble frind has communicated respecting the drainin' 
 tiles, is worthy the serious consideration and trial of every 
 man. Bein' particular well acquainted with the wirtues o' 
 sugar, I can take upon me to say that it is wonderful well 
 calkilated to accomplish what my noble frind has suggested. 
 It sticks things together uncommon. Howsomever, upon 
 that pint perhaps my Lord Markis and I have said enough. 
 The proof o' the puddin' is in the eatin' ; and talkin' of 
 eatin' reminds me o' drinkin'. We're a goin' to have a little 
 ballet dance this evening 'ands across and back again, 
 down the middle and hup again ; and I think we cannot 
 do better than propose the 'ealth of the ladies (applause) ;
 
 IIILLIXGDOX HALL. 171 
 
 there'll be sich a bevy o' beauties Mrs. J. in her best bib 
 and tucker, surrounded by her school-girls in their bran 
 new bustles, and I doesn't know what else besides; so 
 without further palaver, let us drink their good 'ealths, and 
 when you've all had as much lush as you can carry, we'll 
 adjourn the meeting and go and help them to foot it." 
 
 " Will Miss Flather be here ? " whispered the Marquis in 
 Mr. Jorrocks's ear, as the latter sat down after his speech. 
 
 " Miss Flather Emma ! let us see yes no no, she 
 won't ; got a toothache or summut o' that sort ; werry sorry 
 previous engagement red nose p'raps, or summut o' that 
 sort." 
 
 " O dear, I'm sorry for that," whispered the Marquis. 
 
 " Fine gal, Emma," observed Mr. Jorrocks confidentially, 
 " werry fine gal good figure good figure-'ead too, as the 
 sailors say but there'll be quite as cliver a one as her here 
 to-night, darter o' this rum-lookin' little fish on my right," 
 whispered he ; " howsomever, she hasn't taken arter her 
 dad, but arter her dam, who's a real strappin' huzzey great 
 hupstandin', black-'air'd, black-eyed, clean-limb'd wench, nous 
 werrons, as we say in France ; meanwhile I must be giving 
 them another toast." Mr. Jorrocks then proposed, " Honest 
 men and bonny lasses," then " Live and let live," " Speed the 
 plough ; " after that, " Guano," " Nitrate o' sober," " Smith o' 
 Deanston," " Soot," and a variety of local and agricultural 
 toasts. 
 
 " How far does Miss Flather live from here ? " inquired 
 the Marquis of his host, as soon as he could get a word in 
 sideways. 
 
 "Oh, close at 'and," replied Mr. Jorrocks, "mile 'alf-a- 
 mile p'raps ; wot are you a-wantin' with her ? " 
 
 This question was rather a poser, and the Marquis's 
 countenance showed it. 
 
 " Nothin' wrong in course," continued our friend, " only 
 you know she ha'nt got no dad, and it's my duty as Lord 
 o' the Manor to see that all's on the square you twig. If 
 you wants to marry her, in course that's another thing." 
 
 The Marquis thought he had better not. 
 
 The parting rays of the setting sun now shot into the
 
 172 IIILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 room, imparting an additional glow to the heated faces of 
 the punch-drinkers, while the bright red sky tinged the 
 landscape with its hue, chiding, as it were, the sitters for 
 their depravity. Added to this, the sound of music was 
 borne ever and anon on the gentle evening breeze, and 
 sundry smart bodices had been seen flitting past the 
 windows, diving among the shrubberies and gay flower-beds, 
 betokening the mustering of the dancers. The heat of the 
 room, the smell of the punch, and the feeling of repletion, 
 made even the most inveterate toper wish for fresh air. . At 
 length the host rose, and the folding windows opening from 
 the ground being thrown open, the party streamed out on 
 to the close-shaven lawn, and inhaled the fresh air in deep- 
 drawn hearty gulphs. How different from the tainted 
 atmosphere they had just been breathing !
 
 ( 173 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 1 You, who tlie sweets of rural life nave known, 
 Despise the ungrateful luxury of the town." 
 
 a spacious hay-rick, pitched beneath what 
 had been a couple of ground-feathering spruce 
 of gigantic size, now trimmed half way up to 
 admit the awning, sat Mrs. Jorrocks in stately 
 pride, decked out like a tragedy queen, surrounded by her 
 school-girls in their Swiss costumes white bedgowns, with 
 scarlet petticoats, set off with large horse-hair bustles, pink 
 stockings, and large flat-crowned straw hats, looking as 
 unlike nature as anything could do. Mrs. Jorrocks wore 
 a splendid red and white turban, entwined with enormous 
 bands of sham pearls, and a bird-of-paradise feather reclining 
 gracefully over the left ear, and sundry mosaic chains, neck- 
 laces, bracelets, and lockets about her shoulders and arms. 
 Her dress was of many-coloured muslin, done in tiers like 
 house-slating ; next her dumpy waist came a pea-green tier, 
 immediately below it a bright yellow, followed by red, then a 
 sky blue, and a white, fringed with broad black lace at the 
 bottom. Each tier was understood to be a separate affair, 
 though, as we did not dissect her, of course we cannot speak 
 confidently on that point. The presumption, however, is that it 
 was so, for she " stood out," looking like a rainbow dumpling. 
 Tea had been liberally supplied to the ladies at their 
 pleasure, some of whom loitered in the tent with Mrs. 
 Jorrocks, instead of taking advantage of the balmy fragrance 
 of the summer's evening, and wandering about in the sweet 
 air, loaded with the perfume of jessamine, roses, and the 
 lime-tree flowers. The little folk, too, had been entertained
 
 i 7 4 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 with amusements becoming their juvenile years, and several 
 bluff little urchins wandered about the shrubberies with 
 stained faces and clothes, got by blobbing in a treacle barrel 
 for halfpence ; while shouts of laughter rent the air from 
 the far side of the enclosure, as boy after boy came sliding 
 down a greasy pole, at the top of which was stuck an inviting 
 leg of mutton, or a soapy-tailed pig eluded the grasp of a 
 clown, and upset a fair lady or two as, grunting, it dived 
 among the crowd. 
 
 The appearance of the dinner party added fresh impetus 
 to the scene, and a course being formed down a smooth 
 green alley, several of the village nymphs contended in a 
 race for a petticoat, after which Mr. Jorrocks and a select 
 party of friends, being blindfolded, tried their hands at a 
 wheelbarrow race, and either from the novelty of the situa- 
 tion, or the confusion consequent on the drink they had 
 taken, they severally landed at very different places to what 
 they intended. Others then tried their hands with like 
 success, and Joshua Sneakington being inveigled into an 
 attempt, was deluded by the false cries of the boys in a 
 wrong direction, and before he knew where he was, was 
 soused over head in the pond. Out he came like a drowned 
 rat, blowing and spluttering, with a green sort of net all 
 over his person, formed by the slime and the weeds of the 
 surface. Great was the joy at the sight, for Joshua was 
 thoroughly detested. Even Mr. Jorrocks joined in the 
 mirth his appearance created. 
 
 Twilight now drew on, and the sultry heat of the day 
 was succeeded by a cool refreshing dew. The dining-room 
 having been cleared of its tables and furniture, showed 
 lights in various directions, enticing the company back to 
 the house. The Marquis, who had been in waiting on Mrs. 
 Jorrocks since his appearance in the garden, was now seen 
 wending his way along with her on his arm. The fiddlers 
 were scraping their catgut on the spot where the sideboard 
 recently stood, and the flute-player was sucking and lick- 
 ing the joints of his flute, as if he was extremely fond 
 of it. The appearance of the hostess, followed as she was 
 by a train of her big-bustled girls, was the signal for the
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 175 
 
 musicians to begin, and accordingly they struck up the 
 usual " See the conquering hero comes," though who was 
 the hero, or whom he had been conquering, seemed some- 
 what problematical. 
 
 " We are to have a dance, are we ? " said the Marquis, as 
 they approached the window ; " I'm glad of that. I wish 
 Miss Flather had been here." 
 
 " Miss Flather's engaged at 'ome," observed Mrs. Jorrocks, 
 rejoicing that she had done her. " Who would you like to 
 dance with ? " added she, sidling through the sash. 
 
 "Won't you allow me the honour of opening the ball 
 with you ? " asked the Marquis. 
 
 " Thank you, my lordship, I'm only a werry poor dancer ; 
 howsomever I'll try my 'and ; only it's werry 'ot work. 
 Jun," said she, going up to her spouse and giving him 
 a shake of the shoulder, " get your partner, and let's set 
 to. Who are you a goin' to dance with ? " 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks had booked Mrs. Trotter, who, decked in a 
 rich green and yellow Ancoat Yale velvet, made extremely 
 tight, and short at the shoulder, and peaked at the waist 
 with a cord and large tassels, as if to tie her up with, now 
 responded to his summons, and stationed herself next Mrs. 
 Jorrocks. 
 
 " She's a grand 'un, isn't she ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks in a 
 subdued tone at least a subdued tone for him, with a 
 nudge of the elbow in his lordship's ribs, and a nod of 
 his head forwards. " Clean made, hupright, clever- action'd 
 thing ; what a harm she's got ! you see her step" 
 
 A long line of dancers had now fallen in, and the 
 Marquis began to be puzzled what to do. Twice the leash 
 of musicians ran over the " White Cockade " without their 
 getting away ; at length Mr. Jorrocks, anxious to foot it, 
 said, " I think you'd better start next time." 
 
 " I don't know what it is ! " exclaimed the Marquis in 
 alarm. 
 
 " Yy, a country dance to be sure," said Mr. Jorrocks, 
 " 'ands across and back again, down the middle and hup 
 again ; simple as can be, nothin' simpler, there, see, our ould 
 gal 'ill put you in the way of it ; off you go ! " said Mr.
 
 176 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 Jorrocks, stamping with his foot and clapping his hands ; 
 Mrs. Jorrocks seizing the Marquis by the hand, and the 
 three setting him a going, just as willing coach horses start a 
 restive comrade, pulling him along in fact. 
 
 The figure was soon learnt, and the Marquis and Mrs. 
 Jorrocks bumped and danced most vigorously up and down, 
 turning every couple till they got through the last juvenile 
 pair at the end, and our now profusely-perspiring hostess 
 leant against the wall and mopped herself. Presently her 
 place was wanted by another couple, and gradually, by dint 
 of turning and elbowing, they again, accomplished the top 
 of the dance. 
 
 The Marquis, whose eyes had been attracted in going 
 down by a graceful sylph-like figure, about the middle of 
 the dance, now availed himself of the opportunity of in- 
 quiring who the beautiful dark-eyed girl, in white muslin 
 with a broad blue sash, was. 
 
 " A tallish gal do you mean," inquired Mrs. Jorrocks, 
 " with werry black eyes ? " 
 
 " This one," said the Marquis, " with the swan-like head 
 and neck ; just dancing towards us," pointing to a couple 
 approaching from the bottom of the dance. 
 
 " Oh, that's Eliza," said Mrs. Jorrocks ; " werry pretty 
 gal she is too, good gal too, nice modest gal, beautiful figure, 
 all nattural. P'raps you'd like to dance with her." 
 
 "Yes, I should very much," replied the Marquis, who 
 now stood admiring her richly-fringed, downcast eyes, and 
 clear Italian complexion. " She certainly is an uncommon 
 pretty girl," observed his lordship confidentially to Mrs. 
 Jorrocks. 
 
 " And as good as she's pretty," observed our hostess, who, 
 without any particular partiality for the Trotters, was willing 
 to use Eliza for the purpose of extinguishing Emma. 
 
 We will not make Eliza so unwomanly as to prefer Jack 
 Smith of the Hill Farm, whom she was then dancing with, 
 to his lordship ; but the unexpected demand, and novelty 
 of her situation, drew such a mantling blush over her 
 beautiful features when the Marquis was presented to her 
 as further ingratiated her in his favour. Finding he was
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 177 
 
 nothing very awful, she gradually recovered courage, and 
 turning her large lustrous languishing eyes upon him, 
 she whispered forth such sweet silvery notes as perfectly 
 enchanted him. We will not say how often they danced 
 together. 
 
 Capricious youth ! Morning's dawn found the finely 
 rounded figure, greyish blue eyes, and alabaster-like com- 
 plexion of Emma Flather banished from the Marquis's 
 recollection at all events, completely eclipsed by the grace- 
 ful form and Italian skin of the beautiful dark-eyed Eliza. 
 That is the worst of these young men ; they are so very 
 fickle, you never know where you have them. Mammas 
 have terrible times with them, for they are scarcely to be 
 trusted out of sight, and the only way of securing them is 
 by tying them up tight (matrimonially of course) as quick as 
 ever they can. They are easily caught, but as easily lost. 
 
 The Marquis was desperately smitten. This he candidly 
 admitted to himself, and there is no mistake when a man 
 does that. He tossed and tumbled about in bed, bemoaning 
 the inequality that prevented his thinking of her. That 
 was a step beyond what he had got with Emma, his ideas 
 respecting her never having got further than the degree of 
 simple flirtation flirtation that he might be carrying on 
 with half-a-dozen girls in different parts of the country at 
 the same time. 
 
 The result of the Marquis's musings was that though he 
 knew that it was very naughty and very dangerous too, he 
 would spend that day with Mr. Jorrocks. Accordingly, 
 when Adolphe made his appearance in his bedroom, he in- 
 quired about the state of his wardrobe, and finding that he 
 had about as many clothes as would serve a moderate man 
 a week, he resolved on sounding his farmer friend whether 
 it would be convenient to keep him. 
 
 Of course it was, and Mrs. Jorrocks, like all women, being 
 uncommonly quick at smelling a rat, as soon as ever she got 
 her tea-caddy locked after breakfast, and the dinner ordered, 
 put on her bonnet and shawl, and went to the Trotters to 
 bid them spend the day and dine at the Hall. Need we 
 say that she went a little further, and dropped in at the 
 
 M
 
 178 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 Manse ? Assuredly not, for the triumph would not have 
 been complete without. With what eagerness she watched 
 the countenance of mother and daughter as with becoming 
 circumlocution and embellishment she detailed the doings 
 of the previous evening how delightful the Markis had 
 been how genteel he was and her decided conviction 
 that he was desperately smitten with Eliza. Neither could 
 she resist the additional mortification of adding, that she 
 expected her to spend the day to meet the Marquis, which 
 must be an apology for her hurried visit. 
 
 Poor Mrs. Flather ! Never were such unwelcome tidings 
 conveyed with such apparent indifference ; and it was only 
 a pretty intimate knowledge of the sex that made Mrs. 
 Flather sensible of the cutting cruelty of Mrs. Jorrocks's 
 conduct. A man would have thought it odd, a " curious 
 coincidence," telling a mother whose daughter had had 
 designs on a man ; but ladies know each other better. 
 
 Cobbett, who understood the sex well, was fully conscious 
 of their discrimination. " Women," he said, " are much 
 quicker-sighted than men ; they are more suspicious as to 
 motives, and less liable to be deceived by professions and 
 protestations ; they watch words with a more scrutinising 
 ear, and looks with a keener eye; and making due allow- 
 ance for their prejudices, their opinions ought not to be 
 set at naught without great deliberation." Still, though all 
 women know this perfectly well, they can't help playing at 
 deceiving each other. 
 
 Mrs. Flather knew what Mrs. Jorrocks came about just 
 as well as Mrs. Jorrocks knew herself; and Mrs. Jorrocks 
 knew that Mrs. Flather knew that she did, just as well as if 
 she had told her. However, vive la humbug ! 
 
 Now, Mr. Jorrocks was not at all quick at smelling a rat 
 at least not unless the rat was after some of his bacon ; and 
 moreover, being tolerably conceited, he concluded the Mar- 
 quis had prolonged his visit from sheer enamourment of 
 himself, and cut out quite a different day's work to that of 
 his missis, and quite contrary to what would have suited his 
 lordship. Having got the breakfast disposed of, and the 
 usual stare out of window and lounge about the door that
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 179 
 
 follows that repast in the country, Mr. Jorrocks looked at 
 the Marquis's paper boots, and proposed investing him in a 
 pair of his thick shoes for what he called a " stretch " across 
 country seven or eight miles, to see " a fine ball " a bull 
 being the object of Mr. Jorrocks's ambition at that time. 
 The Marquis was horrified such a walk would be the death 
 of him such a sultry day too. Besides, he knew nothing 
 about bulls, and had talked farming nonsense enough over 
 night to serve him some time better keep himself cool 
 take a stroll about the grounds see the garden, and admire 
 the beauties of the place. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks started off alone. 
 
 Towards the afternoon Mrs. Jorrocks and Mrs. Trotter 
 were seen wending their way up the village of Hillingdon at 
 that usual flirtation-encouraging distance which all mammas 
 know so well how to measure, followed, of course, by Eliza 
 and the Marquis at a proper elbow-touching, side-bumping 
 sort of space. Mind, not arm in arm. What the old women 
 talked about is immaterial perhaps they didn't talk at all, 
 but kept their ears cocked back to try what they could catch 
 from the conversation of the juvenile pair in the rear. 
 
 It would puzzle a shorthand writer to make sentences 
 of what the Marquis and Eliza said ; it was so mixed, so 
 general, and so broken by such pleasing interruptions from 
 the stares of the villagers and the dazzling novelty of her 
 situation as her luminous dark eyes met the Marquis's 
 flashing blue ones. Suffice it to say, they were both very 
 happy, and their conversation, if not very enlightening, was 
 very agreeable to each other. But let us take a glance at 
 the Manse. 
 
 Mrs. Flather could have eaten Mrs. Jorrocks whether 
 she could have digested her or not is another thing, for she de- 
 clared she always thought her a disagreeable-looking woman, 
 and now "perfectly disgusting." The conduct of parties 
 has a great deal to do with their looks. If they are for us, 
 let them be ever so ugly, there is always a certain something 
 in their favour; whereas, if they are against us, the best- 
 looking are little better than monsters in our eyes. Mrs. 
 Flather, as we said before, could have eaten Mrs. Jorrocks.
 
 i8o HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 Emma was desperately hurt too; for though cold- 
 blooded, calculating, and passionless, and willing to jump 
 from one suitor to another, as she would from one dress to 
 another, just as the " turn of the market," as Mr. Jorrocks 
 would say, seemed in his favour, still she could not be 
 insensible of the value of attentions from a man like the 
 Marquis, even though they went no further than " atten- 
 tions ; " but, in her case, she thought she had fair legitimate 
 claims, if not a downright hold upon him. Indeed, the 
 line of policy to be pursued in consequence of what had 
 passed at Donkeyton Castle had occupied mother and 
 daughter many anxious hours both by day and by night, 
 and nothing but the natural pride and delicacy of their sex, 
 of which they both had a large stock in theory, prevented 
 their making a crusade against the Castle. It would have 
 been a grand sight to see the old Duke blundering to a 
 conception of what they were after, and bowing them out 
 with all the dignity of offended pride. "A duchess for- 
 sooth ! " he would say, as he saw them bundling away in 
 their rattle-trap. 
 
 The question now was, whether to go boldly down and 
 demand the Marquis, or try what a little circumventing 
 would do. Had the engagement been satisfactorily ratified 
 by the Duke and Duchess, Mrs. Flather would have had no 
 hesitation in demanding the Marquis, or, at all events, in 
 writing to his " ma," to bid her come and look after her 
 boy ; but that confounded old marplot, Mr. Jorrocks, if our 
 readers remember, interposed his troublesome old person at 
 the critical moment that Mrs. Flather was bringing the 
 Duke to book. The Flathers clearly saw the mistake in 
 their policy had been snubbing the Jorrockses, by which 
 they had not only set the Jorrockses against them, but 
 had played them into the hands of the Trotters. They 
 censured themselves, but protested nobody could foresee 
 the turn the agricultural concern had taken. They should 
 have nailed the Marquis at the moment, and never given 
 him a chance of getting into the hands of the Trotters ; 
 had a regular understanding with the Duke pocketed 
 their delicacy in fact. Mr. Jorrocks, Mrs. Flather thought,
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 181 
 
 would befriend her ; but time pressed, and perhaps she could 
 not lay hold of him ; and then the affair was more in the 
 ladies' department, and there was little to hope from Mrs. 
 Jorrocks, who had stolen the Marquis from them. The 
 thing was how to get him back ; a man's never fairly lost 
 till he's churched. The only plan was to pique him play 
 some one off against him. In these emergencies, very 
 forlorn hopes are sometimes resorted to in short, anything 
 in the shape of a man. Mrs. Flather and Emma were too 
 good generals to be left totally destitute, and James Blake, 
 whom we have already slightly introduced to our readers, 
 was raked up for the enviable appointment of cat's-paw. 
 James was one of those desperately over-righteous, cushion- 
 thumping, jump- Jim-crow breed of parsons, so sanctified 
 that he could hardly suffer the light of heaven to shine 
 upon him, and he ate cold roast potatoes to save his servant 
 the sin of cooking on the Sunday. 
 
 Well, James Blake, like many weak young men, was 
 desperately violent. He had preached two sermons that had 
 enraptured all the servant-maids, and astonished the quiet- 
 going people. As the chemist said, " they were full of 
 sulphur." Common people like to be d d in heaps. 
 
 James was fished up to rescue the Marquis from the 
 clutches of the designing Mrs. Trotter not by the persuasive 
 eloquence of his tongue, or the admonitions of a Christian 
 minister, but simply by being " played off " against his 
 lordship. It may seem an odd game to men, but it is a 
 very popular one among women. 
 
 Since the visit to Donkeyton, James had been nearly 
 discarded, at least they had commenced the operation of 
 " letting him down gently ; " now, however, they had to 
 draw him up again at short notice, and we hope our fair 
 readers will not close the volume in disgust when we say 
 how they set about it. We know they will say it was very 
 wrong shockingly indelicate improbable! perhaps im- 
 possible ! and we fully agree with them only mind, fair 
 ladies, that you don't do it yourselves some time. 
 
 Emma dressed herself in what she thought her most 
 bewitching attire white chip bonnet with a bunch of blue
 
 1 82 HILLINGDON HALL 
 
 flowers inside, and the new blue silk dress she had got for 
 her visit to Donkeyton Castle, with clean white kid gloves, 
 and uncommonly well put on patent leather shoes, and open 
 cotton stockings so smart, indeed, that she a good deal 
 over-did it for the country. Thus attired, with a blue and 
 white Chinese-shaped parasol over her head, mamma and she 
 repaired to James's lodgings, to invite him to take tea with 
 them that evening; and if they happened to find him at 
 home, they or rather Mrs. Flather, for they had a great 
 deal of propriety between them would ask him to come out 
 and take a walk. 
 
 Emma's dress was not exactly the thing, perhaps, to angle 
 for a tight-laced, sanctified parson in, but then she had 
 higher game in view ; and even as it was, we question 
 whether James, with all his sanctity, would not rather give 
 her absolution for looking so bewitching to him, than have 
 had her come down in a little puritanical print, with a 
 Dunstable straw on her head ; stiff-backed parsons are but 
 flesh and blood, notwithstanding all their thunder, sulphur, 
 and pretension. It so happened that James was mixing his 
 sulphur for Sunday, and was sitting, as many parsons do, 
 in his back-room, sans neckcloth, in his dressing-gown and 
 slippers ; and the stiff tapper of the door not making a 
 greater noise than a crockery vendor or other itinerant 
 merchant might aspire to, he unceremoniously opened it 
 himself, and stood before the beauty and her mamma in all 
 the homeliness of that comfortable costume. 
 
 The parson blushed to find himself in such a situation, 
 but the offer of Emma's soft ungloved hand, and the 
 bewitching beauty of her smile, put all straight, and drove 
 her right back in his affections. He very soon had on 
 a stiff white starcher, his best black coat and waistcoat, 
 Wellington boots, Sunday hat, and we blush to add a 
 pair of lavender-coloured kid gloves. Altogether he was a 
 very passable swell. 
 
 Mother and daughter then joined arms, and the mid-day 
 sun being obscured by a passing cloud, Emma put down her 
 parasol, and turned the whole battery of her attractions upon 
 the young parson now trotting by her side. Her eyes
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 183 
 
 glistened, her alabaster complexion assumed a slight roseate 
 hue, her pearly teeth shone resplendent between her cherry 
 lips ; and she really looked remarkably handsome and kiss- 
 able. The poor parson was vanquished he forgot all her 
 transgressions ; all her cold looks, all her stiff bows, all her 
 iniquitous piano-playing, all her still more flagrant dereliction 
 in dancing. We really believe he could not have refused 
 to dine with them off hot meat the next Sunday. All- 
 powerful womankind ! 
 
 Thus they proceeded towards the village of Hillingdon, 
 and as they turned down the street, and Emma's vivacity 
 was at its height, and her countenance more than usually 
 brilliant for hers was a beauty that required lighting up 
 who should they meet but the " Hall " party progress- 
 upwards, as already described. Nothing could be better. 
 
 They met with all the extra ardour of people cordially 
 detesting each other. Mrs. Jorrocks was so werry sorry 
 Mrs. Flather couldn't come (never having asked her) ; and 
 Mrs. Flather was as much obliged to Mrs. Jorrocks for her 
 kindness in thinking of her ; and Mrs. Trotter smiled as she 
 looked at the Marquis and her daughter ; and Emma clung 
 to the parson, as she greeted his lordship with the freedom 
 of an old friend. Altogether it was a most charming 
 business-like meeting ; and if each had not the satisfaction 
 of thinking they had " done " the other, at all events they 
 had the gratification of feeling they had done their best to 
 attempt it. 
 
 The sequel is soon told. The next day the Marquis's 
 brougham was seen standing at Mrs. Flather' s door, and no 
 sooner was it gone than Mrs. Flather went down the " town " 
 to tell Mrs. Trotter and Mrs. Jorrocks in " confidence, to 
 go no further of course, for Emma wouldn't like to have it 
 mentioned," that she had reason to think the Marquis was 
 about to become her son-in-law; while Mrs. Trotter was 
 busy paying a similar visit to the Manse, "urged by a 
 strong sense of what was due between friends," to make Mrs. 
 Flather acquainted with a similar conviction on her part. 
 
 The post-mistress observed that the Hillingdon letter-bag 
 was fuller than usual that evening.
 
 184 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 " He's a justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here." 
 
 SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 " The remainder of the crown was settled on the heirs of the Princess 
 Sophia, the Electress of Hanover ; but what this remainder was, when 
 some one else had got it all, we leave our arithmetically-disposed readers 
 to calculate." Punch's " Comic Blackstone," 
 
 ?X the Marquis's arrival at home, he reported so 
 favourably of the Jorrockses and the pleasure 
 he had derived from his visit to Hillingdou 
 Hall, that the Duke and Duchess of Donkey- 
 ton were quite taken with their conduct. They made no 
 doubt they were most worthy respectable people, with con- 
 siderable influence. A few days afterwards Mr. Jorrocks 
 received the following note from his Grace : 
 
 " DEAR SIR, I beg to return Mrs. Jorrocks and yourself 
 the Duchess of Donkeyton's and my thanks for your attention 
 to the Marquis of Bray, who I assure you feels extremely 
 gratified by his visit to Hillingdon Park. 
 
 "In looking at the arrangements of the county, I see 
 there is no magistrate in your immediate neighbourhood 
 since the lamented death of Mr. Westbury ; and it occurred 
 to me that it might perhaps be agreeable to you, and 
 beneficial to the public service, if you were placed in the 
 Commission of the Peace. Should it be so, and you will 
 have the kindness to notify such your desire to me, I 
 beg to say I shall have great pleasure in submitting your 
 name for the approval of the Lord Chancellor. With the 
 repeated expression of our thanks, and with the Duchess's
 
 HILLIffGDON HALL. 185 
 
 and my compliments to Mrs. Jorrocks, I remain, dear sir, 
 yours very obediently, " DONKEYTON, 
 
 " Donkeyton Castle. 
 "G. JORROCKS, ESQ., 
 
 Hillingdon Park." 
 
 Joy shows itself in various ways. Some people run and 
 kiss their wives, some shout, some sing, some dance, some 
 cry, some kick their hat-crowns out, some get blazing drunk, 
 some throw money about, while a few fall on their knees and 
 return thanks. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks's joy generally went off in a few clumsy 
 pirouettes on alternate legs, and then a sudden subsidence 
 into contemplative reflection in his great arm-chair. Our 
 friend having indulged in a few of his usual antics, sunk, 
 letter in hand, into its roomy recesses, and gave his memory 
 a refresher through the bygone days of life. 
 
 He then rang the bell for Benjamin. 
 
 " Binjimin," said he, as soon as the latter appeared, with 
 his usual hang-gallows countenance, for he had just been 
 robbing the larder ; " Binjimin," repeated Mr. Jorrocks, not 
 knowing exactly how to begin, " Binjimin," said he, for the 
 third time, " greatness has come down upon me this mornin' 
 in a shower a regular clothes-basketful of honour." 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Benjamin. 
 
 " That great man, the Duke o' Donkeyton, has appointed 
 me one of Her Majesty's jestices o' the peace." 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Benjamin. 
 
 " And, Binjimin, you have always been an honest, sober, 
 meritorious, and industrious servant, and wirtue shall not be 
 its own reward in your case I'll make you my clerk." 
 
 " Crikey ! " exclaimed Benjamin, clapping his dirty 
 hands. 
 
 " But," said Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing his dirty paws, " now 
 that you will 'ave to do with pen and ink and wite paper, 
 you must contrive to keep your hands clean." 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Benjamin. 
 
 " Also your mug," observed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Benjamin. 
 
 " And talking of mugs," continued Mr. Jorrocks, " now
 
 1 86 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 that we are worshipful, it becomes us to be grave and respect- 
 able-lookin'. You are goin' to be adwanced to a post of 
 honour and distinction above your years, therefore it will be 
 necessary to endeavour to make your years come up to the 
 post, as the post will not come down to your years. I shall 
 therefore get you a Welsh wig, and a pair of green specs, 
 also an usher's gown, so that when you sit below me in 
 the justice-room, you may have an imposin' and wenerable 
 appearance, and may awe the waggabones by your looks." 
 
 " I think a big vip would be better," observed Benjamin, 
 not relishing being made a guy of. 
 
 " A big vip's a good thing in its way, Binjimin," replied 
 Mr. Jorrocks, " but a wig's the thing for strikin' awe into 
 the be'older. It's an old sayin', that there were ten men 
 'ung for every inch they curtailed in the judges' wigs. How- 
 somever, you must wear one," observed Mr. Jorrocks deter- 
 minedly, and Benjamin, knowing it was no use resisting, 
 quietly withdrew, to communicate his elevation to Betsey, 
 leaving his master ruminating in his arm-chair. 
 
 Joshua Sneakington was next sent for, and after some- 
 what of a similar prologue, was invested with the order of 
 constable an order exceedingly to his mind, as it gave him 
 legal authority to bully the township. 
 
 Our old friend, Bill Bowker, was next written to, with 
 similar information, and a request that he would rummage the 
 book-stalls for a second-hand copy of Burn, Mr. Jorrocks 
 being determined to do justice in the old-fashioned way 
 substantial justice every man his own clerk. Bill was 
 still touring for 'the " League," on a " diminishing-influence 
 salary." But we have forgotten to give Mr. Jorrocks's reply 
 to the Duke. It was as follows : 
 
 " MY LOED DUKE, I have the honour to acknowledge 
 the receipt of your agreeable letter, and note the contents. 
 I will not, my Lord Duke, indulge in the episcopal language 
 of mock 'umility, and say, ' nolo beakopari,' but I will use 
 the language of J. J., and say, I shall be werry much 
 obleged to your Lordship to make me a beak. I looks upon 
 a beak as the greatest of men ! He says to number a
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 187 
 
 hundred and one, f You go and catch me a waggabone,' and 
 forthwith he grabs a man called John Brown. ' Now, John/ 
 says his worship, ' you're an interminable rogue, you've been 
 arter my fizzants and my 'ares, and I'll transport you to all 
 eternity.' Then he axes him what he has got for to say ; 
 and John tells his story, and his worship orders him off to 
 the 'ulks. But I need not inform your Grace of all the 
 greatness that belongs to the grand order of beak ; how they 
 sit with their hats on, how they order people out o' court, 
 and how they return thanks for their healths at farmers' 
 dinners, and expound the grand duties and dignities of beaks. 
 All this I shall be most happy to do, and, therefore, not to 
 trouble your Grace unnecessarily on the subject, I shall only 
 add, that the sooner you makes me a beak, the sooner I shall 
 begin to ' execute jestice and maintain truth.' Not that I 
 thinks the truth will be werry easily maintained, for, betwixt 
 you and I and the wall, people lie uncommon 'ard when they 
 can get anything by it. Howsomever, never mind that : and 
 so with the respectful compliments of Mrs. Jorrocks and 
 myself to her Grace and the Marquis, I have the honour to 
 subscribe myself, my Lord Duke, yours to serve, 
 
 " JOHN JORROCKS, not G. JORROCKS. 
 N HALL, not PARK." 
 
 The Duke was rather shocked when he got this epistle, 
 for though he knew Mr. Jorrocks was not very refined, still 
 he did not expect finding him making such a " hash " of 
 himself upon paper. However, the mischief was done ; he 
 had offered to make him a magistrate, and could not now 
 back out without giving offence. Moreover, Mr. Jorrocks 
 was a Whig. 
 
 In due time an intimation arrived from the Clerk of the 
 Peace that Her Majesty had been pleased to approve of the 
 insertion of Mr. Jorrocks's name in the Commission of the 
 Peace, and that he could take the oaths at any adjourned 
 session, if he would give the Clerk a week's notice. Accord- 
 ingly, our hero returned answer that he was ready to take 
 the oaths immediately, and would attend at the next sessions 
 for the purpose.
 
 1 88 HILLLNGDON HALL. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, many years before, ere fame had marked 
 him for her own, had been " hauled up," as the saying is, 
 for a little poaching trespass, and had imbibed his first 
 impression of a county justice from the one before whom 
 he was taken, or rather before whom the case was ultimately 
 tried at the Croydon Sessions, for our hero appealed against 
 the original conviction. From this suburban beak Mr. 
 Tomkins of Tomkins, near Croydon Mr. Jorrocks drew his 
 first impression what a solemn magistrate should be like, 
 and, overhauling his wardrobe, our worthy friend converted 
 himself as near as he could into the prototype of his great 
 original. First, he floured his wig powder he would not 
 use, because he had no notion of being taxed for his con- 
 sequence ; and he gave his blue coat collar a dash behind, 
 as though it had been done by the rolling of a pig-tail. 
 His blue coat and buff waistcoat were both his best, and a 
 pair of antediluvian leather breeches, much cut and slashed 
 about the waist and knees, met a pair of exceedingly 
 scratched mahogany tops, adorned with a pair of heavy 
 lacklustre spurs. Thus attired, with Benjamin in a suit of 
 plain clothes, converted out of some of his master's cast-offs, 
 beside him, and Joshua Sneakington, in his Sunday apparel, 
 in the seat behind, magistrate, clerk, and constable set off 
 for the ancient town of Sellborough, in the old rattle-trap 
 fire-engine-looking carriage, drawn by Mr. Jorrocks's horse, 
 the renowned Dickey Cobden. 
 
 Sellborough, as its name would imply, was formerly a 
 parliamentary borough ; but having had the misfortune of 
 being Schedule A'd, it had lost a considerable part of its 
 commerce and consequence. It was a drowsy-looking place 
 a wide, scrambling sort of town, forming something like 
 a square, with little off-shoot streets, starting off in all 
 directions.' There were two churches and two parsonage- 
 houses, enclosed with high walls, among trees, and the 
 usual sort of store-shops grocers selling ribbons and British 
 wines, booksellers dealing in candles and confectionery, and 
 milliners in soap and crockery-ware. Trade there was none, 
 save on a market day, and that was purely agricultural 
 produce, varied, perhaps, by an itinerant hawker and pedlar
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 189 
 
 pitching his cart and selling his edgeless knives and point- 
 less needles pointless as his jokes by auction. It had also 
 its two inns Whig and Tory which was about the only 
 vestige of the " good old times " that remained. The 
 " Duke's Head," of course, was the Whig house the 
 " Crown and Sceptre " the Tory. We need hardly say the 
 " Duke's Head " was the Duke of Donkeyton's, for as in 
 London there is but " one Duke," so in the country the 
 " Duke's Head " always denotes the caput of the great man 
 of the district. The " Duke's Head " was then in the 
 ascendant, as appeared by the newly-painted green window- 
 shutters, and a booted postboy lounging about the door in 
 conversation with a crooked-legged ostler. It is very odd 
 how many hangers-on there are about inns with a leg on 
 a curve. Mr. Jorrocks's rattle-trap, bumping and jingling 
 over the grass-grown cobble-stone pavement, drew countless 
 ringlets to the windows, a noise of any sort being a real 
 godsend to the young ladies of Sellborough, who were 
 terribly moped. A race and a new-year's-eve ball were all 
 the gaiety they could raise in the year, and men were 
 lamentably scarce. This is generally the case in towns 
 without trade ; the young men leave them as soon as they 
 are fledged in search of more bustling places, from whence 
 they are seldom suffered to return single. 
 
 The Court- House was in the centre of the town, raised on 
 stone pillars above the old shambles of the market-place 
 a place containing, perhaps, a dozen stalls ; and hither our 
 hero repaired, after he had seen Dickey Cobden put up, 
 attended by his suite. 
 
 The Court was in full flower when Mr. Jorrocks entered. 
 The Chairman, a red-hot Tory, sat with his hat on, with 
 three brother Tories on his right, and a solitary Whig on 
 his left. This was Captain Bluster, a most unpalatable 
 magistrate, who had thrown the Tory bench into convul- 
 sions when he appeared, about a year before, to take the 
 oaths. There is nothing so sensitive as a bench of magis- 
 trates. With the exception of those who take their seats 
 as a matter of course, and who elevate the office, rather 
 than the office elevating them, the envy, jealousy, and
 
 1 9 o HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 detraction that take place on the appearance of a newcomer 
 is truly ridiculous. Each questionable occupant man feels 
 himself personally injured lowered. Gentlemen who were 
 scouted when they came, now scout with double vigour in 
 return. 
 
 Captain Bluster was a fine instance of the scouting 
 principle. All eyes were turned up with horror when he 
 came. It was a downright insult to the bench. The 
 Lord-Lieutenant must wish to drive all gentlemen from it. 
 Captain Bluster! late master of a trader now dealer in 
 " pigs, treacle, and all other game," as the song says, to be 
 forced upon them it was not to be borne. They would all 
 resign. 
 
 "We wonder how many benches have threatened to do 
 the same ? 
 
 However, Captain Bluster was not to be put down. In- 
 deed, he was one of those coarse-minded, hard-bitten, vulgar 
 beggars, that cannot understand any coolness short of a kick, 
 and had horrified the Sellborough bench so by his forward 
 impudence, that several had left it altogether, and the 
 Captain seemed likely to have it all to himself, when the 
 Lord-Lieutenant intimated that he should be obliged to 
 make some more magistrates if they did not pull better 
 together. This had the desired effect, and the Tory tide 
 was on the return, when Mr. Jorrocks again raised the 
 storm. 
 
 If a man goes into Guildhall at a session, for in- 
 stance he cannot help being struck with the resemblance 
 there is among the loose purple-robed, white-faced, flabby, live 
 turtle looking things ranged on each side of the chair, called 
 Aldermen or Common Councilmen, that all look as if they 
 were made in the same mould ; and a similar resemblance 
 runs through mankind generally, breaking them into classes. 
 There was a strong sort of likeness between Mr. Jorrocks 
 and Captain Bluster so strong, that any one at a glance 
 would say, " Those men are of the same breed." Not that 
 they were like when you came to compare their faces, but 
 the style and general appearance were the same ; the same 
 bull heads, the same big broad backs, the same great
 
 HILLLXGDON HALL, 
 
 191 
 
 clumsy limbs, the same manner, or want of manner. In 
 point of looks, Mr. Jorrocks had the advantage, the twinkle 
 of his cheerful eye and humorous expression of his coun- 
 tenance giving an air of good nature to his face ; while 
 Captain Bluster's coarse bristly-red hair, stiff scrubbing- 
 brush-looking whiskers under his chin, freckled face, ferrety 
 eyes, broad, flat-ended, snub nose, and thick-lipped mouth, 
 gave him a very bull-dog sort of air. The general harshness 
 of his appearance was heightened by a blue coat and metal 
 buttons, ugly spotted waistcoat on a buff ground, blue 
 trousers, and "high-lows." 
 
 An evident shudder ran along the Tory end of the bench 
 as Mr. Jorrocks entered at the other, and all eyes were 
 turned upon the new Justice. The Chairman, who was just 
 disposing of a case, made Mr. Jorrocks a very low bow ; 
 and the Clerk having produced a great skin of parchment, 
 and informed their worships that there was a gentleman 
 going to take the oaths forthwith turned to Mr. Jorrocks 
 for the purpose of administering them, amid half-suppressed 
 expressions of disgust from the bench. " Downright insult ! 
 Kesign to-night! Political purpose! Disgrace to the 
 country ! Greasy old chandler ! The Duke must be mad." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, having taken the book in his right hand, 
 proceeded to repeat, after the Clerk, the following oath : 
 
 " I, John Jorrocks, do sincerely promise and swear that 
 I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty 
 Queen Wictoria : so help me God." And thereupon he 
 gave the Testament a hearty smack." 
 
 " Please to repeat after me again," said the Clerk 
 
 " I, John Jorrocks, do swear that I do from my 'eart obor, 
 detest, and abjure, as impious and heretical, that damnable 
 doctrine and position that Princes excommunicated or de- 
 prived by the Pope or any authority of the See of Eome, 
 may be deposed or murthered by their subjects, or any 
 other whatsoever. And I do declare that no foreign 
 prince, person, prelate, state, or potentate, hath, or ought 
 to have, any jurisdiction, power, superiority, pre-eminence, 
 or authority, ecclesiastical or spiritual, within this realm : so 
 help me God."
 
 i 9 2 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 " No more they ought," observed Mr. Jorrocks, kissing 
 the book. 
 
 " Now, again," said the Clerk, commencing with a third 
 oath 
 
 " I, John Jorrocks, do truly and sincerely acknowledge, 
 profess, testify, and declare, in my conscience, before God and 
 the world, that our Sovereign Lady Queen Wictoria " 
 
 " Not Wictoria. but Ftctoria," observed the Clerk. 
 
 " Victoria," repeated Mr. Jorrocks, " that our Sovereign 
 Lady Queen Wictoria is lawful and rightful Queen of this 
 realm, and all other Her Majesty's dominions and countries 
 thereunto belonging : and I do solemnly and sincerely de- 
 clare that I do believe, in my conscience, that not any of 
 the descendants of the person who pretended to be Prince 
 of Whales " 
 
 " Not Wholes, but Wales," observed the Clerk. 
 
 " I said Whales," observed Mr. Jorrocks, adding, " but I 
 don't know who you're a talkin' about. The Prince o' 
 Whales can't 'ave no heirs, he's only a babby." 
 
 " Never mind that," replied the Clerk, " you follow me, 
 if you please, sir." "And I do solemnly and sincerely 
 declare, that I do believe, in my conscience, that not any of 
 the descendants of the person who pretended to be Prince 
 of Whales, during the life of the late King James the 
 Second " 
 
 " I doesn't know nothin' about King James the Second," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, breaking off again, with a shake of 
 the head, amid the hearty laughter of the bench. 
 
 " That's nothing, sir,' observed the Clerk ; " it's a mere 
 matter of form." 
 
 " Well, but why should I swear agin a gen'lman that I 
 knows nothin' whatever of, and wot has never done me no 
 'arm?" 
 
 " Oh sir, it's a mere matter of form," repeated the Clerk. 
 
 " So chaps always say when they come to get one to 
 accept a bill for them," observed Mr. Jorrocks ; " mere 
 matter o' form / doesn't like these mere matters o' form." 
 
 " Well, but all these gentlemen on the bench have sworn 
 the same thing. Indeed, you can't be a magistrate unless
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 193 
 
 you do. Pray let us go on, for you are not half done yet, 
 and it only wants a quarter to twelve." 
 
 " And I do solemnly and sincerely declare that I do 
 believe in my conscience, that not any of the descendants of 
 the person who pretended to be Prince of Whales during 
 the life of the late King James the Second, and, since his 
 decease, pretended to be and took upon himself the style 
 and title of King of England " 
 
 " Never heard of the gen'lman," observed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " By the name of James the Third, or of Scotland by the 
 name of James the Eighth, or the style and title of King 
 of Great Britain, hath any right or title whatsoever to the 
 crown of this realm " 
 
 " Certainly not," said Mr. Jorrocks, " it's our Queen's, and 
 I'll stand up for her ! " 
 
 " Or any other the dominions thereunto belonging," read 
 the Clerk, followed by Mr. Jorrocks, " and I do renounce, 
 refuse, and abjure any allegiance or obedience to any 
 on 'em." 
 
 " So I do," said Mr. Jorrocks, giving the book another 
 hearty smack. 
 
 " But that's not all," said the Clerk ; " you must swear a 
 little more yet. Please repeat after me again 
 
 " And I do swear that I will bear faith and true allegiance 
 to Her Majesty Queen Wictoria, and her will defend to the 
 utmost of my power against all traitorous conspiracies and 
 attempts whatsoever, which shall be made against her person, 
 crown, and dignity." 
 
 " So I vill," observed Mr. Jorrocks, panting for breath. 
 
 " And I will do my utmost endeavour to disclose and 
 make known to Her Majesty and her successors all treasons 
 and traitorous conspiracies which I shall know to be again' 
 her or any on 'em." 
 
 " And 'ow am I to do that ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 " write to her, or how ? " 
 
 " Oh, just let the Clerk of the Peace know Her Majesty 
 won't trouble you to write to her yourself." 
 
 " No trouble rayther a pleasure," observed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " And I do faithfully promise to the utmost of my power 
 
 H
 
 194 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 to support, maintain, and defend the succession of the crown 
 against the descendants of the said James." 
 
 " I dare say none o' them will trouble it," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks. 
 
 " Very likely not," replied the Clerk, adding, " please to 
 repeat after me 
 
 "And against all other persons whatever," read on the 
 Clerk, " which succession, by an Act intituled ' An Act for 
 the further limitation of the crown, and better securing the 
 rights and liberties of the subject/ is, and stands limited 
 to the Princess Sophia, electress and Duchess-Dowager of 
 Hanover, and the heirs of her body, being Protestants. And 
 all these things I do plainly and sincerely acknowledge and 
 swear, according to these express words by me spoken, and 
 according to the plain and common-sense understanding of 
 the same words, without any equivocation, mental evasion, or 
 secret reservation whatsoever." 
 
 " Wait a minute till I get wind," begged Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 " you really run me off my legs, you go so fast." 
 
 " And I make this recognition, acknowledgment, abjura- 
 tion, renunciation, and promise, heartily, willingly, and truly, 
 upon the faith of a time Christian." 
 
 " 'Deed do I not" observed Mr. Jorrocks aloud to himself. 
 
 " So help me God. Kiss the book." 
 
 Thereupon Mr. Jorrocks kissed it again. 
 
 Having gulped these, and one or two other similar and 
 equally sensible oaths, our excellent friend sank exhausted 
 on the bench a full-blown beak. 
 
 Captain Bluster, who had been waiting the completion of 
 the ceremony, now seized him by the hand, and congratu- 
 lated Mr. Jorrocks on " becoming one of them." 
 
 " Thank'ee," puffed Mr. Jorrocks ; " thank'ee," repeated 
 he, adding, as he looked at the Captain, "you have the 
 adwantage o' me." 
 
 " My name's Bluster," observed the Captain, " Captain 
 Bluster ; I've heard of you glad to see you on the bench 
 very proper appointment ; " adding confidentially, in a 
 whisper in Mr. Jorrocks's ear, " these Tory beggars want 
 looking after ; we'll keep them in order."
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 195 
 
 " You're one o' the right sort, I s'pose," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks. 
 
 " True blue," observed Captain Bluster, with a wink ; 
 " down with the bishops ! " 
 
 " Civil and religious liberty, the greatest good for the 
 greatest number gover'ment without patronage, as it was 
 in our day," observed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " You had better put on your hat," observed Captain 
 Bluster; " there's no doing justice with your hat off." 
 
 " No more there is ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks, sticking it 
 a-top of his wig, and giving it a thump on the crown that 
 sounded through the Court, and sent a shower of flour over 
 his own face. 
 
 The Clerk having pocketed Mr. Jorrocks's ten pounds for 
 all the oaths he had made him swallow, now called on the 
 next case " Mortimer Green against John Tugwell." 
 
 The parties being ranged at the bar, the Clerk, taking up 
 the information, addressed himself to the defendant, saying 
 
 " This is an information charging you with having, on. 
 Friday night last, put your ass into a field of oats belonging 
 to the complainant, Mortimer Green. You will hear the 
 evidence against you." 
 
 Mrs. Mortimer Green was then sworn " to speak the truth, 
 the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." 
 
 This being Mrs. Green's first appearance before that 
 august tribunal, a bench of magistrates, she was rather 
 nervous ; and Captain Bluster, thinking to show off before 
 Mr. Jorrocks, addressed her fiercely with 
 
 " Now, ma'am ! why don't you speak ? " 
 
 " Please, gentlemen, I was going to say " 
 
 " Going ! Why didn't you say it ? " 
 
 Mrs. Green stared. 
 
 " Now, what are you gaping at ? why don't you speak ? 
 who are you ? where do you come from ? what's your name ? 
 what's brought you here ? Tell us all about it ! " 
 
 " Please, gentlemen," recommenced Mrs. Green, " last 
 Friday no, last Thursday as is gone a fortnight " 
 
 " Now, whether do you mean Thursday or Friday ? " roared 
 Captain Bluster ; " remember you're on your oath."
 
 196 HILLINGDON HALL 
 
 " Please, gentlemen, last Thursday as is gone a fortnight, 
 my husband took badly in his stomach " 
 
 " Good God ! what has your husband's stomach to do 
 with the case ? Why don't you tell us about the ass ? " 
 
 " I was going to, sir, when you interrupted me," observed 
 Mrs. Green, addressing Captain Bluster. 
 
 " Me interrupted you ! I never interrupted you ! Why 
 don't you tell us about the ass ? " 
 
 " Perhaps we had better let her tell the story in her own 
 way," observed the Chairman; "it will, perhaps, save time 
 in the end. Now, my good woman," continued he, address- 
 ing the witness encouragingly, " tell us as shortly as you 
 can what you have to say about this man and his ass." 
 
 " Please, gentlemen," observed Mrs. Green, gathering her- 
 self together for a third effort, " last Thursday as is gone a 
 fortnight, my husband took bad in his stomach, and I went 
 down to Doctor Bolus's to get a penn'orth of peppermint 
 water peppermint water, you see, gentlemen, is recom- 
 mended in these cases " 
 
 " Hang your peppermint water," growled Captain Bluster ; 
 " I'll be bound to say you're a regular old thief." 
 
 " And as the doctor wasn't in when I got there," continued 
 the witness, " I sat down in the back kitchen to smoke my 
 pipe and wait till he came." 
 
 " Nasty stinkin' old beast," grunted Mr. Jorrocks, who 
 hated tobacco. 
 
 " It so happened, you see, gentlemen, that the doctor's 
 people had been washing that day, and all the wet clothes 
 were in the front kitchen, or I should have gone in 
 there." 
 
 " Well, never mind that," observed the Chairman ; " tell 
 us now what happened to you as you sat in the back 
 kitchen ? " 
 
 " Well, and I hadn't sat there very long, not more than 
 a quarter of an hour at farthest, when just as the young 
 lady of the house that's the third little girl like came in 
 with her kitten, and she asked Susan, that's the cook, for a 
 saucerful of skim milk for it, and " 
 
 " Oh dear me, can't you tell us about the ass ? " roared
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 197 
 
 Captain Bluster again, regardless of the Chairman's recom- 
 mendation. 
 
 " I was going to, sir, when you interrupted me," again 
 observed Mrs. Green. 
 
 " Me interrupt you ! I didn't interrupt you I never 
 interrupt anybody I can't interrupt anybody." 
 
 " Well, now, what happened," continued the Chairman, 
 anxious to help the complainant on ; " did the girl go for 
 the milk ? " 
 
 " That was just what I was going to tell you, gentlemen," 
 observed the imperturbable witness. " Said she, that's 
 Susan said she, that's the third saucerful of skim milk 
 you've asked me for to-day, Miss Elizabeth ; and really if 
 you stuff your cat so full, it'll catch no mice ; however, the 
 young lady was so pressing, that Susan at last consented, 
 and getting the key of the dairy off the kitchen range, just 
 from behind a plate like," continued the witness, running 
 her hand along the rail at the bar, as if in the act of feeling 
 for a key, " she took the empty saucer off the floor, and went 
 away to get it. Well, she hadn't been gone I dare say the 
 length of a minute, when I heard a knock at the door one 
 knock, like that," giving the bar a rap with her knuckles, 
 " and thinking it might be somebody wanting the doctor, I 
 laid down my pipe and went to open it. Well, you see, 
 there was a small chain on the door, which I didn't see at 
 first, and so before I got it open there was another knock. 
 1 Who's there ? ' said I. ' Open the door,' said some one, 
 * and see ; ' and according/ie I did, and there stood this man, 
 with an arm full of brooms, and an ass laden with more at 
 his side." 
 
 " Well now," interrupted the Chairman, " we don't want 
 to hear about any bargaining that took place or anything 
 that passed about the brooms, but tell us as shortly as you 
 can when you saw the ass again." 
 
 " Yes, gentlemen," replied the old lady, evidently discon- 
 certed, and giving her nose a wipe with a folded-up red hand- 
 kerchief. " Well then, but I should tell you that by this 
 time Susan, that is the cook, had got back with the milk 
 the skim milk, and "
 
 198 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " D n the milk ! " roared Captain Bluster, " didn't you 
 hear the Chairman tell you to stick to the ass ? Do you 
 think we've got nothing to do but sit here and listen to 
 your rambling stories ? " 
 
 " Well, then, sir, I'm sure you're very welcome to go," 
 replied the old lady with great naivete, producing a burst of 
 laughter from the bench and bystanders. 
 
 " Can't you tell us about finding the ass in the corn 
 without going into other particulars ? " asked the Chairman. 
 
 " Well, sir, your worship, what you please." 
 
 " Nay, it's what you please, only we should like you to get 
 on with your story." 
 
 " Well then, gentlemen, on Thursday night, or early on 
 Friday morning, my husband took badly in his stomach 
 again, and after trying if the pains wouldn't go off with 
 warm flannels and ginger, he asked me to put on my clothes 
 and go to Doctor Bolus's for another penn'orth of peppermint 
 water. This was just about daybreak; but there was a 
 heavy mist that morning, and it might be rather later than we 
 thought, for our clock had run down, and as we were going 
 to have her cleaned, my husband thought it wasn't worth 
 having her wound up until that was done. Well, as I went 
 down the lane, I saw a pair of long ears bobbing up and 
 down in our corn, and being struck with astonishment, I 
 stood debating whether to go back to my husband or to see 
 to it myself; but thinking of the badliness of his stomach, 
 and the dampness of the morning, I considered I had better 
 face it myself; and so, on I went, and just as I got to the 
 gate at the turn of the road, I saw this villain coming over 
 the hedge, pulling his ass after him through the hedge." 
 
 Very good," said the Chairman, glad to get to the end 
 of the story. " You swear that you saw a man bringing his 
 ass out of your field, and that this is the man." 
 
 " Oh, I swear that's the man, for I went up to him, and 
 abused him right well." 
 
 " We don't doubt that," observed Captain Bluster. 
 
 " Now, Tugwell," said the Chairman, addressing the de- 
 fendant, " you hear what that witness says. Do you wish 
 to ask her any questions ? "
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 199 
 
 " Undoubtedly I do, your worship," replied the man a 
 swarthy, herculean-looking fellow, with corkscrew ringlets, 
 open neck, green plush waistcoat with yellow sprigs, and a 
 double row of blue-bead buttons, cord breeches, dirty white 
 stockings, and heavy laced ankle-boots. " Didn't I forewarn 
 you," with great gravity asked he, "when I saw you at 
 Doctor Bolus's, to make up your gap, otherwise my ass 
 would be getting into your field ? " 
 
 " Never such a thing ! " screamed the old lady, " never 
 such a thing ! We talked about nothing but the price of the 
 brooms : you said you could sell cheaper than anybody else, 
 for though they all stole their stuff, you stole yours ready 
 made." 
 
 " That's all gammon ! I'd scorn the action ! " replied the 
 defendant, with an indignant curl of the lip. " I'm noted as 
 the honestest besom-maker on our circuit. Your worships, 
 my character stands too high to be damaged by such an 
 old devil as this." 
 
 "We can't allow such language here," observed Captain 
 Bluster sharply. 
 
 " Your defence is, I suppose," said the Chairman, "that 
 the field was not properly fenced, and so your ass got in." 
 
 " Precisely so, your worship," replied the man, adopting 
 the idea, or rather assenting to it, for it is the usual defence 
 of the brotherhood. 
 
 " Pray, then, may I ask where you keep your ass ? " 
 inquired the Chairman. 
 
 " Sometimes in one place, sometimes in another, your 
 worship. Mercantile men like us, your worship, are gene- 
 rally on the move, and we are obliged to put up with such 
 quarters as we can get." , 
 
 " Ay, but had you, on the night on which your ass is 
 charged with being in Green's corn-field, any place to 
 put him ? " 
 
 " Why, not exactly, your worships. I was intending to 
 be on the move by daylight, and I just turned the poor 
 beast into the lane, and this stupid old woman persisting 
 in not making up her gap, why, I'm ashamed to say he so 
 far forgot himself as to go in. It's the first time, your
 
 200 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 worships, I assure you, such a thing ever happened, and it 
 will be the last, for, without any disrespect to your worships, 
 I feel this is not a place for a respectable man to be in." 
 
 The Clerk, on referring to his books, contradicted Tug- 
 well's assertion, by observing that he had been convicted 
 of a similar offence in a clover-field about a twelvemonth 
 before. 
 
 The Chairman observed that depasturing an animal on a 
 highway was an offence punishable by fine. The justices 
 then considered their sentence. Mr. Brown had no doubt 
 Tugwell was an old offender. Mr. Green would have been 
 better pleased if he had been caught going into the field 
 instead of coming out. The Chairman inquired what state 
 the fence was in, and found it was very good. Captain 
 Bluster thought, if he broke the fence, he might be caught 
 under the Wilful Damage Act. 
 
 " What does Mr. Johnson think ? " inquired the Chair- 
 man, addressing Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " JorrocJcs is his name," observed Captain Bluster, with a 
 growl. 
 
 " I beg his pardon," said the Chairman, with a low bow. 
 " Pray, what does Mr. Jorrocks think ? " 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks then, with great gravity, delivered himself 
 of the following opinion : 
 
 " Every man wot keeps a jackass is a waggabone," said 
 he very slowly. " Every man wot keeps a jackass keeps 
 a pair of big panniers also, and there's no sayin' wot on 
 airth goes into them." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks paused. 
 
 " Then what do you think should be done to him ? " 
 asked the Chairman. " What punishment shall we inflict 
 upon him ? " 
 
 " Skin him alive ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, looking as if 
 he would eat the defendant. 
 
 "I'm afraid that's hardly 'law,'" observed the Clerk, 
 looking respectfully up at his ten-pound friend. 
 
 " If it's not law, it's what law ought to be," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, with great gravity. 
 
 " A very good observation ! very capital observation ! "
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 201 
 
 observed Captain Bluster, as soon as Mr. Jorrocks had done ; 
 " you'll make an excellent magistrate." 
 
 " I think I shall," said Mr. Jorrocks, " I think I shall, as 
 soon as I get up a little law at least." 
 
 Captain Bluster : " Oh, hang the law ! The less law one 
 has in a justice-room the better. Get Stone's ' Justice's 
 Pocket Manual,' it'll keep you all right as to form ; and if 
 you read ' Sam Slick,' it will do you more good than all the 
 rubbishing stuff the lawyers write put together. Stone for 
 the law Slick for the sense." 
 
 " Stone for the law and Slick for the sense," repeated Mr. 
 Jorrocks. 
 
 " Yes ; and the first time you're in London go to the 
 Judge and Jury Court at the "Garrick's Head" in Bow Street, 
 and learn some Latin sentences from Chief Baron Richards 
 Latin tells well from the bench." 
 
 The Chairman then informed the prisoner that he was 
 convicted, and had to pay to Her Majesty the Queen 
 the sum of one pound over and above the costs of the 
 prosecution and the amount of the damage done by the 
 donkey. 
 
 The defendant pleaded hard in mitigation. 
 
 " No," said the Chairman ; " we have dealt very leniently 
 with you." 
 
 " You are liable to a month's imprisonment, with hard 
 labour, in the- House of Correction," observed another. 
 
 " One month ! six months ! " rejoined a third ; " this is a 
 second offence." 
 
 " Whipping also ! " exclaimed a fourth, " this conviction 
 being before a bench of magistrates." 
 
 The mercantile man then begged for time, his trade being 
 seriously depressed. 
 
 " By the police protecting the woods, I suppose," observed 
 the Chairman. 
 
 "You must pay the money down," grunted Captain 
 Bluster, " nullum tempus occurrit Regi. The Queen stands 
 no nonsense." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, on leaving the Court, which he did after 
 hearing a few more cases similar to the foregoing, strutted
 
 202 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 very consequentially down the middle of the street, making 
 the quiet monotony of the place more apparent by the noisy 
 clamour of his boots. He felt like a very great man. 
 
 He ran his mind through the backward course of life 
 thought of the time when he swept out his master's shop 
 for his meat then when he got a trifle for wages next 
 how he was advanced to a clerkship* how he bought his 
 first pair of top-boots how he stamped out two pair before 
 he got a horse ; his horses then came in chronological order, 
 like kings and queens in a Memoria Technicha. His first, 
 a white one, that tumbled neck and croup with him down 
 Snow Hill, and broke both its own knees and his nose ; 
 his second, a brown, that always tried to kick him over his 
 head when he mounted ; and so he went on through a long 
 list, the recollection of each bringing with it many other 
 interesting associations. 
 
 Then he thought of the day when he was elected a 
 member of the Surrey Hunt, and of the glories and honours 
 he had reaped in that sporting country. Then of his 
 advancement to the mastership of the Handley Cross Fox- 
 hounds, his short though brilliant reign at the Spa, and 
 now how a whole wheelbarrowful of greatness had been 
 heaped upon him in the shape of a J.P.-ship. 
 
 "Veil," said he, feeling his chin with one hand, and 
 sliding a whole handful of half-crown pieces down the 
 smooth inside leather of his breeches pocket with the other ; 
 " veil," said he, " for all this I am but mortal man." 
 
 Just as our friend had indulged in this humble-minded 
 observation, he crossed the street at an angle to get back 
 to the " Duke's Head," and the mail-gig hurrying up at the 
 time, rather drove him from his point, and caused him to 
 land opposite Mr. Pippin, the fruiterer's. 
 
 Mr. Pippin was a game-seller as well as a fruiterer, and 
 the 1 2th of August drawing nigh, he had stuck a newly 
 gilt and lettered sign to that effect over his door : 
 
 " Pippin, Fruiterer, and Licensed Dealer in Game," read 
 Mr. Jorrocks, in that vacant sort of way that people read 
 anything that comes in their way. 
 
 " Pippin, Fruiterer and Game-seller," said he to himself,
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 203 
 
 shortening the sign. " Wonders if he's got any cran- 
 berries." Mr. J. was very fond of cranberries. 
 
 " Have you got any cranberries ? " asked he of Pippin, 
 who, on the look-out for " squalls," now rushed to the door. 
 
 " Not any cranberries, sir ; particular nice gooseberries, 
 strawberries, cauliflowers, radishes, fish sauces of all kinds, 
 sir; cucumbers, cigars, pickles expect some peas in to- 
 night, sir step in, sir ; step in." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks complied, but oh ! what a sight greeted 
 him on the opposite wall " three brace of grouse hanging 
 by the neck ! " Mr. Jorrocks stood transfixed. 
 
 " How now ? " exclaimed he, as speech returned, and 
 with staring eye-balls he turned to the shopkeeper. 
 
 "How now?" repeated he, pointing to the birds, 
 " grouse for sale before the 1 2th of August." 
 
 "Five shillings a brace," replied Mr. Pippin, quite 
 unconcerned ; " we generally charge six, but the season's 
 coming on, and we shall soon get plenty more." 
 
 " Plenty more," roared Mr. Jorrocks ; " aren't you 'shamed 
 of yourself ? " 
 
 " Oh dear no, sir, not at all ; take the whole for fourteen 
 shillings." 
 
 " Til fourteen you I " repeated Mr. Jorrocks, stamping with 
 rage, " I'll fourteen you, you waggabone. I'm one of Her 
 Majesty's jestices o' the peace ' nullum tempus occurrit' 
 somethin' the Queen stands no nonsense I'll fine yon ! " 
 
 " What for, sir ? " inquired Mr. Pippin. 
 
 " For havin' game afore the twelfth I'll summons you 
 directly," added Mr. Jorrocks, hurrying out of the shop. 
 
 " Please say they're stuffed ! " roared Mr. Pippin after him.
 
 ( 204 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 ' ' This done, he took the dame about the neck, 
 And kissed her lips with such a clamorous smack, 
 That at the parting all the room did echo. " 
 
 "CRAMOLOGY. A science that virtually professes to discover how 
 the interior of a house is furnished, from a mere examination of the 
 inequalities upon the roof of it." 
 
 [E have not seen anything of our friends the 
 Flathers since the Marquis's brougham drove 
 away from their door, and they contributed 
 their quota (as it is supposed) to the heaviness 
 of the Hillingdon letter-bag. 
 
 What passed on the occasion of the Marquis's visit we 
 are not at liberty to mention. Indeed we don't know 
 most probably Mrs. Flather would have him a little to her- 
 self at first, during which she would hint at her great esteem 
 for him but her duty to guard her daughter from the risk 
 of forming hopeless attachments ; and then at the proper 
 period Emma would appear suffused in tears, and Mrs. 
 Flather would possibly leave them to themselves a little. 
 All this, however, is chiefly conjecture or at best mere 
 servants' gossip, formed from an outline of what Mrs. 
 Flather's boy in buttons communicated to Benjamin, who 
 detailed it to Betsey for the information of Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 Our readers must therefore just give such credence to the 
 story as they consider it worth. It will be remembered 
 that each party claimed the victory, and each indulged in 
 the usual " crow." 
 
 The story was for we may as well tell it out now that 
 we have begun that the boy in buttons having taken it
 
 HILLINGDOtf HALL. 205 
 
 iuto his head to water the myrtle below the window, saw the 
 Marquis with Emma's head on his shoulder, administering 
 consolation to her eyes with his blue bandana. As a justice 
 would say that may, or may not be it may be true, or it 
 may be a lie it may be Betsey's lie it may be Benjamin's 
 lie or it may be the boy in buttons' lie it may be true 
 and yet have nothing in it. The Marquis might merely be 
 doing what any man in such a situation would do, trying 
 to soothe the poor girl. Had she been on his knee, we 
 think the case would have been different. The presumption 
 then would have been that he had got her there at least 
 we hope so. As it was, there was very little but supposition 
 in the case. Our own opinion, however, is that there was 
 something in it, though whether intentional on the part of 
 the Marquis, or merely one of those involuntary, inadvertent, 
 consolatory acts a man sometimes commits when suddenly 
 beset by a pretty girl in tears, is another question. "We 
 dare say the Marquis would be very tender very soft, and 
 very likely say many things he never intended. A pretty 
 girl in tears is a very dangerous thing, more especially 
 when the tears are caused, or supposed to be caused, by 
 one's self. We fear the Marquis said more than was prudent. 
 Very possibly he thought no more of it after he had bowled 
 away in his brougham ; but Mrs. Flather's more than in- 
 sinuation to Mrs. Jorrocks that her daughter and the 
 Marquis were engaged, with the profusion of letters that 
 showered into the Hillingdon letter-box, were presumptive 
 evidence that the words had made some impression on her 
 daughter. 
 
 A country post-office is a queer place. The post-mistress 
 for they are generally kept by ladies has a sort of 
 intuitive acquaintance with every letter that comes or goes, 
 knows who they are from, and can guess pretty nearly 
 what they are about. There is none of that tranquil easy 
 security one feels, or rather used to feel, when dropping a 
 letter into the well-accustomed depths of a large town 
 post-office, where the variety of writings, the number of 
 letters, the hurry of sorting, put all idea of curiosity 
 out of the question. The country post-office generally
 
 206 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 consists of a black pane, with a slit in the middle of it, 
 put into the parlour window with the words " Post-Office," 
 done in white letters, above or below ; and the letter, 
 instead of passing, as the sender perhaps supposes, from 
 all observation until it greets the eyes of the expectant 
 receiver, drops through the hole into a plate or a table in 
 the parlour, or perhaps in the bar of a public-house, where 
 the landlady or her daughters are sewing, or drawing drops 
 of comfort for the customers in the kitchen. Down it 
 glides, and is immediately whipped up ; and if the hand- 
 writing is unknown, and the seal uninforming, the post- 
 mistress has nothing to do but open the sash and look up 
 and down street to see who was the party putting it 
 in. Townspeople wouldn't believe the curiosity there is 
 in the country. 
 
 But to return to Emma Flather and the Marquis of Bray. 
 
 The usual answers of congratulation, with the usual 
 amount of sincerity some with good-natured, ill-suppressed 
 wishes that the news might not be too good to be true, or 
 hopes that such an alteration might not injure the head of 
 either party having been received, each party rested on 
 their oars in expectation of a " move " from the Castle. The 
 "cock-a-hoopness" of both mammas was considerably lessened 
 on finding that each had similar expectations, and a thought 
 occasionally glanced across their minds that it might have 
 been better had they waited till they were a little more 
 certain ere they announced the thing. One Marquis 
 for two ladies would do nothing, still we dare say our 
 readers will agree with us that it would not have been 
 natural not to have announced it immediately. Indeed, 
 the Marquis's manner was so truly love-making, that the 
 villagers all set it down as a fixed thing ; and even Johnny 
 Wopstraw, who happened to be passing along on the top of 
 his wain, observed to his wife when he got home that he 
 thought " upon the who-o-ole there was a young gentleman 
 making love to Miss Eliza." The change in the Marquis's 
 costume, and the height from which Johnny overlooked 
 down, prevented him recognising his over-night orator and 
 draining-tile maker.
 
 HILLISTGDON HALL. 207 
 
 Thus things stood for at least a fortnight, each day adding 
 additional uneasiness to the ladies. Every post delivery 
 was anxiously looked for ; every large seal that passed in 
 review as Mrs. Medler sorted the letters was conjured into the 
 impress of a ducal coronet, or a marquis's at least, with the 
 reverse side directed to Mrs. Flather or Mrs. Trotter. Still 
 it came not, neither was there anything heard of the Marquis, 
 except that he had got a bad cold. This, however, was 
 some consolation, enabling them to account in some measure 
 for his silence. As a set-off against this, however, they had 
 to take into account the Duke's letter to Mr. Jorrocks offering 
 him a J.P.-ship, in which nothing was said of the marriage, 
 or even hinted at. All this was very perplexing. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks had now got himself into all his honours. 
 Mr. Bowker had furnished him with a fine old edition ot 
 Burn's Justice ; and Mr. Jones, the bookseller at Sellborough, 
 had supplied him with a copy of Stone's " Pocket Manual " and 
 "Sam Slick," according to Captain Bluster's recommendation ; 
 while Benjamin had been rigged out in a Welsh wig, and a 
 pair of green spectacles with tortoise-shell rims, and a sort 
 of beadle's dress, formed out of Mrs. Jorrocks's old bombazine 
 gowns. Moreover, Mr. Jorrocks being a great believer in 
 phrenology, or bampology as he called it, had furnished 
 himself with a copy of Combe's " Outlines," as also with a 
 plaster of Paris head and phrenological chart, for the purpose 
 of examining such culprits as might be brought before him, 
 and ascertaining their bumps. His sanctum was now con- 
 verted into a justice-room. In the centre, behind a high 
 desk, stood an important old carved black oak arm-chair, on 
 a raised stand : while below the desk were stools and a table, 
 for Benjamin and Joshua Sneakington to sit and cry silence 
 and take the depositions upon. 
 
 In other respects the sanctum underwent little change ; the 
 old red morocco hunting-chair occupying one side of the fire- 
 place, a sporting picture screen and a coal scuttle the other. 
 
 Here, as his worship sat in the hunting-chair, thinking 
 first of one thing, then of another when his apples would 
 be ripe, whether he should buy Brown's bull, whether 
 Thompson's wouldn't be better one loud knock at the door
 
 208 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 informed him that Benjamin was there, and before our friend 
 had let his leg down that he had been nursing, in came the 
 boy and stood before him. 
 
 " Please, sir, you're wanted, sir," said Benjamin. 
 
 " Vanted, Binjimin," repeated Mr. Jorrocks, pulling his 
 wig straight; "who vants me now, I wonder jestice or 
 gentlefolk ? " Mr. J. had now two sorts of visitors. 
 
 " Gentlefolk, I thinks," said Benjamin ; " at least, she 
 wants you alone. It's a 'ooman old mother Flather." 
 
 "Mrs. Flather, you should say, Binjimin; there are no 
 old women in this world. I'll see her in a minute," added 
 he, running to a small mirror, and adjusting his neckcloth 
 and frill. 
 
 ' My dear Mrs. Flather, I'm werry 'appy to see you," 
 exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, as Mrs. Flather came sidling in 
 past Benjamin, who stood with the door in his hand, 
 arranging the latch so as to see through the key-hole. 
 " Take a chair ; pray take a chair," added he, passing her 
 on to the one he had just vacated, and motioning Benjamin 
 to leave the room. 
 
 " Here's a werry fine day," observed he, pressing her 
 shoulder to get her to sit down in the hunting chair, at the 
 same time drawing a smaller one close to it. "How's 
 Emma ? " said he. 
 
 "Pretty well, I thank you," replied Mrs. Flather, 
 throwing up her veil, and setting herself forward, as if for 
 business. 
 
 "Fine gal, Emma," said Mr. Jorrocks, "fine gal! I 
 always says, though," added he, sotto wee, squeezing Mrs. 
 Flather's arm, " that the gals of the present day ar'nt to be 
 compared to their mothers." 
 
 Mrs. Flather smiled. 
 
 " It's a fact" observed Mr. Jorrocks, smacking his lips 
 as he looked at her. " And 'ow's she getting on with the 
 Markis ? I hear there are two on 'em arter him." 
 
 "That's just what I've come to talk to you about," 
 observed Mrs. Flather in a low tone, laying her hand
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 209 
 
 confidentially on Mr. Jorrocks's wrist, as his arm rested on 
 the elbow of her chair. " I want a little of your advice." 
 
 "Always 'appy to adwise the ladies," observed. Mr. Jor- 
 rocks, " particklar 'appy. We'll jest bolt the door," added 
 he, bundling up and making for it, " and then we shalln't 
 be interrupted. You knows wot Byron said about inter- 
 ruptions," observed he, as he bustled towards it. 
 
 Having locked it and bolted it too, he resumed his place 
 by the side of Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " It's a very delicate situation we are in with regard to 
 that young man," observed Mrs. Flather, after a pause ; 
 " he's engaged my daughter's affections, and I really fear 
 he's only making a fool of her." 
 
 " Werry naughty o' him," observed Mr. Jorrocks, " werry 
 naughty o' him " muttering over the word " affection, 
 affection," wondering if it was in Stone (Mr. Jorrocks 
 did everything judicially now). " Yot's he done ? Kissed 
 her, I s'pose," added he ; " kissed her, kissed her ; no sich 
 title as that ; come under the 'ead of assault, though. 
 Kissin' ar'nt altogether right," added he to Mrs. Flather, 
 " unless, indeed, she consented, and then it is wot us 
 jestices call justifiable kissiside." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks turned to Mrs. Flather, for the purpose of 
 demonstrating the law, when one of Benjamin's loud knocks 
 at the door, and attempt to open it, arrested his movement. 
 
 " Vot's 'appen'd now, Binjimin ? " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 starting back ; " vot's 'appen'd now ? " 
 
 " A waggabone ! " squeaked Benjamin through the door. 
 
 " Confound them waggabones," muttered Mr. Jorrocks, 
 thinking how to get rid of the charge without bothering 
 himself. 
 
 " Wot'un a nob 'as he, Binjimin ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 " wot'un a nob 'as he ? " 
 
 " I harn't examined his nob," replied Benjamin ; " Jos 
 has only just cotch'd him, Jos has only just cotch'd him !" 
 repeated he. 
 
 " Oh ! confound it, Binjimin, 'ow can you trouble me in 
 

 
 2 1 o HTLLDTGDON HALL. 
 
 this 'ere way. Here am I inwestigatin' a desp'rate bugglary, 
 and you comes interruptin' of me, without havin' taken the 
 dimensions of his coacoa-nut. I tells you, never bring a 
 waggabone forrard until you've examined his perrycranium." 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Benjamin. 
 
 " Then go and do it." 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Benjamin, muttering as he went, with a 
 shake of the head, " desperate bugglary, indeed ! I knows 
 better nor that." 
 
 " Capital thing, that crazeyology," observed Mr. Jorrocks 
 to Mrs. Flather, as he heard Benjamin's footsteps dying 
 away in the passage ; " gives one a capital idea of a 
 waggabone's character; or any one's indeed," added Mr. 
 Jorrocks, looking smilingly at Mrs. Flather, after the frown 
 Benjamin's ill-timed interruption had brought over his 
 good-natured countenance had passed away. " I should 
 say, now," added he, " that your 'ead would pay a bamp- 
 ologist well for examinin'." 
 
 " Oh, you flatter, Mr. Jorrocks," said Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " 'Deed I doesn't, though," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " 'deed 1 
 doesn't, though," repeated he ; "I always says you're the 
 neatest little 'ooman I knows ; neat, pretty little 'ooman." 
 
 " Oh, fie ! Mr. Jorrocks," said Mrs. Flather, diving into 
 her bag, and producing her best pocket-handkerchief. 
 
 " Fiddle, O fie ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks, " it's the truth, 
 and that's all how and about it. I always says you're the 
 neatest little 'ooman I know. I likes a little 'ooman." 
 
 " I thought you'd like big ones," observed Mrs. Flather, 
 looking archly at our friend. 
 
 " Never such a thing ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, " never 
 such a thing ! Little 'uns for my money." 
 
 "Well, I'm sure I always thought you admired big 
 women," observed Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Quite a mistake," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " quite a 
 mistake ; I says big 'uns are only fit for grenadiers." 
 
 "Well, that's my opinion," rejoined Mrs. Flather; 
 " especially when they've moustarche," added she, with as 
 sagacious a smile as her unmeaning face could muster. 
 (Mrs. Trotter had a slight pencilling that way.)
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 211 
 
 " Jnst so," said Mr. Jorrocks, giving her a poke and a wink. 
 
 " Let's have your nob examined," said he, wishing to 
 turn the conversation before Mrs. Flather made him commit 
 himself further against Mrs. Trotter, a thing our friend had 
 no intention of doing. " I should think," continued he, 
 " you'll have some remarkable fine bamps observin' faculties, 
 knowin' faculties, refl active faculties all sorts o' faculties, 
 in fact." 
 
 " Oh dear no ! no such thing ! " exclaimed Mrs. Flather, 
 resisting Mr. Jorrocks's untying of her bonnet-string. 
 
 " Jest me," said Mr. Jorrocks, as if he was nobody. Our 
 friend then divested Mrs. Flather of her bonnet. 
 
 " We'll begin with number one," said he, getting his 
 outlines, and feeling Mrs. Flather behind the ear. 
 
 " Bamp of amitiveness," said he, looking at his paper 
 with a great black head at the top, marked into divisions 
 corresponding with a classification below. " Bamp of 
 amitiveness, werry large marriage, love. <A man shall 
 leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife ; ' and 
 I s'pose, by the same rule, a 'ooman shall leave her father 
 and mother and cleave to her 'usband. Ad'esiveness," con- 
 tinued he, feeling a little forward, " that means attachment 
 friendship, and social sympathy, such as exists between 
 you and I," said Mr. Jorrocks, giving Mrs. Flather a kiss. 
 
 " Oh, Mr. Jorrocks ! " exclaimed Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Nobody will hear," said our worthy friend, giving her 
 another. 
 
 " Well, but now, let's talk about the Marquis," said she, 
 pushing him aside, as he prepared for another salute. 
 
 " Veil," said he, " let's talk about the Markis ; wot's the 
 specific charge again' him ? " 
 
 "Why, I can't say that I have any regular charge to 
 make against him," replied Mrs. Flather, putting on her 
 bonnet ; " indeed, I believe if he was left to himself, he 
 would do what is right and proper ; but that odious you 
 know who I mean is doing all she can to get him away 
 from us, for her own gawky copper-coloured daughter." 
 
 "Yell, but that would be 'larceny,' I should think," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, with a sagacious shake of the head ;
 
 212 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 "that would be larceny, I think stealin' a sweetheart;" 
 at the same time diving into his pocket to consult his friend 
 " Stone." 
 
 " Larceny has been defined to be," read he, " the wrongful 
 takin' and carryin' away of the personal goods of any one 
 from his possession, with a felonious intent to conwert them 
 to the use of the 'fender, without the consent of the owner." 
 
 " That seems werry like the thing," observed Mr. Jor- 
 rocks, looking full at Mrs. Flather ; " she wants to conwert 
 the Markis to her own use at least to the use of her darter 
 scd giLcere, as us lawyers say, is the absolute possession of 
 the Markis in your darter ? " 
 
 " But I don't want the law of him," observed Mrs. 
 Flather; "indeed, I come to ask your advice more as a 
 friend than as a magistrate." 
 
 " Always 'appy to see you in any capacity, my leetle 
 dack," observed Mr. Jorrocks, giving her another kiss that 
 sounded right through the room. 
 
 " Bump of acquisitiveness werry big ! " holloa'd Benjamin 
 through the door ; and " bump o' philopro somethin' werry 
 small ! " 
 
 " G'onfound the bouy ! " growled Mr. Jorrocks, wondering 
 if he had heard the sound ; " confounded young rascal 
 does it on purpose I do believe." 
 
 " Bamp of acquisitiveness, Binjimin ! " replied Mr. Jor- 
 rocks, collecting his faculties ; " bamp of acquisitiveness, 
 did you say ? that's the priggin' bamp ; wot's the rascal 
 been a stealin' ? " 
 
 " Gooseberries ! " replied Benjamin. 
 
 " Gooseberries ! " repeated Mr. Jorrocks ; " wot's the 
 punishment ? " 
 
 " Don't know ! " replied Benjamin through the door. 
 
 " Don't know, "bouy ! Vy didn't you look it out in the 
 book afore ever you came botherin' 'ere ? Look out goose- 
 berry, I say, or I'll pull your gown over your 'ead, and send 
 you to the treadmill yourself. These bouys are the devil's 
 own," muttered Mr. Jorrocks, half to himself and half to
 
 HILL1NGDON HALL. 
 
 213 
 
 Mrs. Flather. " I really sometimes think that bouy takes 
 a pleasure in interruptin' o' me when I'm particklarly 
 engaged at least plisantly engaged," added he, giving 
 Mrs. Flather' s arm a squeeze. 
 
 " There ar'nt gooseberry in the book," holloa'd Benjamin 
 through the door, after a long pause, during which he had 
 been listening. 
 
 " Ar'nt gooseberry in the book ! " repeated Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 " impossible, Binjimin ! " 
 
 " There ar'nt, howsomever." 
 
 " Look out goose then ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks, adding to 
 himself, " wot's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander ; 
 and wot's law for goose will most likely be law for goose- 
 berry." 
 
 " There ar'nt goose neither ! " replied Benjamin " gold 
 plate good be'aviour " 
 
 " Ay, good be'aviour, indeed," grunted Mr. Jorrocks, 
 " that's a thing you knows precious little about." 
 
 " Goods forfeited grand jurymen grey'ound grouse 
 guide-post guest gunpowder gipsies," continued 
 Benjamin, reading on while his master was muttering. 
 
 " Ord rot it, 'old your noise, Binjimin ! " roared Mr. 
 Jorrocks, " you are long past goose. Let me look," said he, 
 getting up and making for the door. 
 
 " Let me look," said he, after he had got it fumbled open, 
 taking Burn's Justice from the boy, who stood with the fifth 
 volume open at the index. Mr. Jorrocks began with the 
 G's at " game," and went regularly through them : " Gaols 
 garments general gentlemen gins glass gleaning 
 gloves to gold plate," where Benjamin had begun, but 
 there was nothing about " gooseberry." " Let me look in 
 my ' Stone,' " added he, pulling out his pocket manual again. 
 " Dare say it will be under the 'ead of gardens."
 
 2i 4 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 " Here it is, 94 stealin', &c., wegitable productions in 
 gardens." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks then turned to page 94, and read as follows: 
 
 " Wegitable productions growin' in gardens stealin', 
 or destroying or damagin' with intent to steal any plant, 
 root, fruit, or wegitable production, growin' in any garden, 
 orchard, nursery ground, 'ot-'ouse, green-'ouse, or conserva- 
 tory. Punishment on conwiction afore one jestice for first 
 offence, imprisonment with or without 'ard labour in gaol or 
 'ouse of Correction for not exceedin' six calendar months, or 
 penalty above the walue not exceedin' twenty punds." 
 
 " My vig ! " added he, " but that's tight work. Makes 
 gooseberry stealing werry expensive." 
 
 " 'Ow old's the waggabone, Binjimin ? " 
 
 " May be a dozen," replied Benjamin. 
 
 " A dozen twelve that's to say," repeated Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 " six months at twelve years old sharp work. Twenty 
 punds deal o' cash." 
 
 " You're sure he stole them, Binjimin ? " 
 
 " Jos caught him in the garden ; he had both pockets 
 chock-full, and a cabbage in his 'at." 
 
 " Cabbage in his "at," observed Mr. Jorrocks; "wegitable 
 production, that's to say. Well, Binjimin, I think he's too 
 young to send to quod ; I'll deal sammarily with the case. 
 Take him to Batsay with my compliments, and say I'll thank 
 her to take him into the laundry and give him a good 
 basteruaderin' good strappin', that's to say." 
 
 '' Yes, sir," said Benjamin. 
 
 " A dozen or so," observed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Benjamin. 
 
 "And bid her put a pair o' stockins in his mouth, so 
 that we mayn't be troubled with his noise." 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Benjamin. 
 
 " Dirty 'uns ! " added Mr. Jorrocks, as Benjamin went 
 away. 
 
 "And now, my little darlin'," said he, patting Mrs. 
 Flather on the back as he shut the door, and returned the
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 215 
 
 pocket manual to the Jorrockian jacket pocket, and resumed 
 his seat, " let us 'ear all about this naughty bouy and your 
 pretty darter, and let's see if we can deal sammarily with 
 him too ; bad bouy, I fear ! bad bouy : always pullin' the 
 gals about." 
 
 " Well, you see, Mr. Jorrocks, as I said before, it's not the 
 Marquis I blame so much as those who entice him away. 
 I'm quite sure he's very much attached to Emma, and 
 would do what is right if other people would let him." 
 
 " Jest so," said Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " There's something now going on that we can't at all 
 fathom. Nothing could be kinder or more lover-like than 
 he was the morning he called at our house, and yet from 
 that day to this we've heard nothing from him." 
 
 " Fallen in with summut he likes better p'raps," observed 
 Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " But that is very wrong, you know, Mr. Jorrocks," 
 observed Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " No doubt," said Mr. Jorrocks, with a shake of his head, 
 " no doubt but it's wot Sam Slick calls 'uman natur'." 
 
 " Well, then, you see, Mr. Jorrocks, I want to ask your 
 advice what is best to be done." 
 
 " Best to be done," repeated Mr. Jorrocks, " best to be 
 done ? Dash my vig if I know. Do you think you could 
 make out a case if I was to summons him ? " 
 
 " Oh ! I shouldn't like to take any step of that sort 
 it's not as a justice, but as a gentleman that I come to 
 consult you -friend, rather, let me say," giving the steady 
 old gentleman a sweet smile. 
 
 " Jest so," said Mr. Jorrocks, giving her a hearty kiss in 
 return. " Let us see now," added he, preparing to look at 
 the case in another light. " Has he written her any sweet 
 letters ? " 
 
 " Why, no ; he's not," replied Mrs. Flather, sorry to have 
 to admit the fact. " His attentions have been all verbal and 
 personal." 
 
 " Jest kissin' and squeezin'," observed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 " You've nothin' to show, then ? " inquired he. 
 
 " Nothing," replied Mrs. Flather, with a sigh.
 
 216 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " No little lockets or bracelets, or poetry pieces nothin' 
 o' that sort ? " 
 
 " No," responded Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks, not knowing what 
 to do. 
 
 "Please, sir, will you have the mutton boiled or 
 roasted ? " inquired Betsey, who, having noiselessly opened 
 the door, now stood with it in her hand, as the saying is. 
 
 " D n the mutton ! " screamed Mr. Jorrocks, starting 
 up in a perfect fury. " That's jest the way ! if ever I'm 
 particklar busy either beakin', or odein', or anything, I'm 
 sure to be interrupted by some cussed inquiry about the 
 wittles." 
 
 " And a pretty row you'd make if they warn't to your 
 liking, you nasty ugly old crockadile," replied Betsey, with 
 upturned nose and most indignant look at Mrs. Flather. 
 " But / see how it is," added she, throwing her apron up to 
 her face and bursting into tears, "/see how it is ! " repeated 
 she, banging the door to, and hurrying away. 
 
 " That 'ooman's mad full o' beans," observed Mr. Jor- 
 rocks with a shake of the head, as Betsey's step died away. 
 " Well now, my leetle darlin', let's resume about your 
 darter, and see what we can do in the matter," said he to 
 Mrs. Flather, anxious to return to the subject. " I'm afeard 
 he's not put his foot quite far enough in it yet." 
 
 " Not gone far enough, you think ? " asked Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " I think not," replied Mr. Jorrocks. " I'd allow him a 
 leetle more line." 
 
 " But he offered to her almost the first day ; it was love 
 at first sight." 
 
 "Then you should have book'd him," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks. "There's nothin' like takin' these young chaps 
 when they're in the 'umour ' safe bind safe find's ' a beautiful 
 axiom of sweet'eartin' law." 
 
 " How do you think we had better do ? " asked Mrs. 
 Flather, recollecting who it was that prevented her booking 
 the Marquis at Donkey ton Castle.
 
 IIILLINGD02T HALL. 217 
 
 " Do, now ? " repeated Mr. Jorrocks ; " do, now ? faith, 
 that's a difficult question to answer. She's a nice gal's 
 Emma, and a neat gal is Emma puts her clothes on well 
 tidy about the pins too ; but Lor' bless you ! she ar'nt to be 
 compared to her mother." 
 
 " Oh, Mr. Jorrocks, you flatter." 
 
 " Not a 'bit" replied Mr. Jorrocks ; " not a "bit. I've 
 always said, and I still maintains, that the gals of the present 
 day are miles behind their mothers." 
 
 "You are so complimentary always, Mr. Jorrocks." 
 
 " They may be as fine, you know," continued Mr. Jorrocks, 
 without noticing the observation, " when they get to their 
 hage that in course I can't say but at present, I'm quite 
 decided in that opinion ; gals are nice, pretty, dollish-lookin' 
 things, but I says a 'ooman isn't a 'ooman till she's forty fat, 
 fair, and forty ! that's the ticket that's my motto." 
 
 " Well, but about the Marquis," resumed Mrs. Flather, 
 anxious to keep the volatile Justice to the point. " What 
 do you think we had best do ? " 
 
 " Best do ? " repeated Mr. Jorrocks ; " best do ? Vy, I'd 
 try fair means fust, and then and then and then " 
 
 " What?" ejaculated Mrs. Flather. 
 
 "I'm cussed if I know," replied Mr. Jorrocks. "It's 
 hardly, as I said before, exactly within the jurisdiction of a 
 J.P. No doubt our commission is werry extensive keep 
 the peace chastise and punish all wot offend again' the laws 
 and ordinances inquire the truth upon the oath of good 
 and lawful men of the county of all manner of felonies, 
 puzzonin's, inchantments, sorceries, arts majig, trespasses, 
 forestallin's, regratin's, ingrossin's, and extortions whatsom- 
 ever ; and also of all those who in the counties aforesaid in 
 companies against our peace, in disturbance of our people 
 with armed force have gone or rode or hereafter shall presume 
 to go or ride, and also of all those who have lain in wait, or 
 hereafter shall presume to lie in wait, to maim or cut or 
 quilt or kill our people ; and also of all wittlers, and all and 
 singulars other persons who in the 'buse of weights or 
 measures or in sellin' wittles " 
 
 " Oh, none of those would apply to the Marquis," inter-
 
 2i8 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 rupted Mrs. Flatter, fearful Mr. Jorrocks would recite the 
 whole commission to her. 
 
 "I thinks not either," replied Mr. Jorrocks. "We 
 might catch Emma p'raps as an { enchantress, " observed 
 the gallant old Justice, " but, as you say, the person you 
 want to catch is the Markis." 
 
 " Just so," replied Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Well, then, it's a ticklish thing," observed Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 " werry like fly-fishin' if you strike too soon, you may lose 
 him altogether. Let him play with the 'ook a little longer." 
 
 " But then he doesn't come to play with it, you see," 
 observed Mrs. Flather ; " that's the difficulty." 
 
 " I twig" winked Mr. Jorrocks. " S'pose you take the 
 'ook to him." 
 
 " But we have no excuse for going ; besides, nobody ever 
 goes to the Castle without an invitation. Couldn't you get 
 the Marquis over again ? " at last asked Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Vy, I don't know," replied Mr. Jorrocks, considering 
 how the thing would cut. " I doesn't know, I'm sure. 
 There's a many rings in the ladder atwixt a young Markis 
 and a middle-aged grocer J.P. ; at all events, I should be 
 a'most afraid of offendin'." 
 
 " Oh, I don't think you need be under any alarm about 
 that," replied Mrs. Flather ; " the Duke seemed to like you 
 amazingly, and the Marquis invited himself before." 
 
 " That's jest why I think I'd best let him inwite himself 
 again," replied Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " You'd oblige me very much if you would," observed 
 Mrs. Flather, looking at him most lovingly. 
 
 "It's bad to resist such a hen hangel as you," said 
 Mr. Jorrocks, getting up and bolting the door ; but as we 
 dare say our readers have had enough of this dialogue, we 
 will not accompany the parties any further.
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 "State your case." 
 
 JCAKCE was Mrs. Flather gone, and ere Mr. 
 Jorrocks had arranged a composing speech in 
 his mind for Betsey, Benjamin made his ap- 
 pearance to announce the arrival of another 
 " customer." 
 
 " Another customer, Binjimin ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 starting up, " not another waggabone, I 'opes ? " 
 
 " The same as the last," replied Benjamin, with a grin ; 
 " Mother Trotter this time." 
 
 "Missis Trotter, you should say, Binjimin," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks ; " I shall be 'appy to see her." 
 
 " Don't doubt you, old boy," said Benjamin to himself, 
 as he went away to bring her. 
 
 " Good mornin', Mrs. Trotter ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 as the majestic lady sailed into the room in all the rustle or 
 petticoats and stiff ringlets. " Werry 'appy to see you; 
 pray take a chair this 'ere harm one, if you please," drawing 
 the recently occupied red morocco hunting-chair towards 
 her. " You needn't mind waitin', Binjimin," said he to the 
 boy, who kept fussing about the desk, as if he was going 
 to act clerk. Benjamin reluctantly retired, carrying with 
 him his wig and gown and spectacles. 
 
 "Yell, my beauty," said Mr. Jorrocks to Mrs. Trotter, 
 as the door closed, "veil, my beauty," said he, his coun- 
 tenance assuming quite a different appearance, " and 'ow are
 
 220 HILLING DON HALL. 
 
 you to-day ? Needn't ax that, though," said he, squeezing 
 her elbow, "that fine, clear complexion, bright eye, and 
 these full cherry lips, answer that ; he's an 'appy man wot 
 has the kissin' on them, I guess ! " 
 
 " Oh, Mr. Jorrocks, you shocking man ! what would Mrs. 
 Jorrocks say ? " 
 
 " Oh, never fear Mrs. Jorrocks," replied our hero ; " she's 
 away at her school or some of her wagaries." 
 
 " But if I was to tell her, you'd mind," observed Mrs. 
 Trotter, with an emphasis ; " and I really don't think I'm 
 doing my duty in not." 
 
 " Trust you for that," said the old Cockney Squire, with 
 a wink 
 
 " ' "Wot passes inter nos, 
 
 Mustn't be proclaim'd at Charin' Cross, 
 
 you knows," added he. " Come, set down, I say, and tell us 
 all about it," continued he, pushing her into the large chair. 
 
 " Well, now, I've come," observed Mrs. Trotter, after 
 a pause, during which she equalised the strings of her 
 reticle ; " I've come to ask your advice in a little delicate 
 matter connected with my daughter." 
 
 " I twig," said Mr. Jorrocks, with a wink. 
 
 " And I'm sure that in confiding to you I may rest satis- 
 fied it will go no further." 
 
 " Certainly not," said Mr. Jorrocks ; " close as wax." 
 
 "You see," continued Mrs. Trotter, in an undertone, 
 " that the Marquis, we think, took a violent fancy to Eliza, 
 and, I make no doubt, would have offered to her, only she 
 was so shy that she didn't encourage him enough." 
 
 " Jest so," replied Mr. Jorrocks ; " wants a little practice, 
 p'raps." 
 
 " Why, she's very young, you see," said Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " Her mother wouldn't 'ave been so green, I guess," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, giving Mrs. Trotter's arm a squeeze. 
 " I always says," continued he, " that the gals of the present 
 day are not to be compared to their mothers." 
 
 Mrs. Trotter smiled. 
 
 " 'Deed I do" said Mr. Jorrocks, smacking his lips ; " the
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 221 
 
 gals may be nice and slim, and slight and pretty, but they've 
 none o' that fine hupstandin', commandin', majestic, knock- 
 me-down, squash-me-flat hair of the women of the present 
 day. I'll pund it, you'd have brought the Markis to book in 
 a minute. If there was a prize for fine women you'd get it." 
 
 " Oh, Mr. Jorrocks, how you do talk ! It's lucky Mrs. 
 Jorrocks isn't here." 
 
 " P'raps it is," said Mr. Jorrocks, in an undertone ; " you 
 know it wouldn't do for everybody to hear all wot passes 
 'twixt his worship and those wot come to consult him." 
 
 " Certainly not," said Mrs. Trotter, hoping her mission 
 would be kept snug. " Well, then, you see, Mr. Jorrocks," 
 continued she, " as I was saying, I make no doubt the 
 Marquis took a violent fancy to Eliza ; and if she had known 
 how to play her cards, she might have nailed him at the 
 time ; but, as ill luck would have it, he went away without 
 exactly offering, and I fear that sneaking, nasty woman on 
 the hill got him to have an interview with her mealy-faced 
 daughter, and rather put him off Eliza." 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks, not exactly seeing his 
 way between the rival claimants. 
 
 "Well, then, you see," continued Mrs. Trotter, "what's 
 passed since, we have no means of knowing. One would 
 naturally have expected that a young man so desperately 
 smitten would have taken an early opportunity of returning 
 to see the young lady." 
 
 " Certainly," said Mr. Jorrocks, with a sagacious nod of 
 the head ; " I would, I knows." 
 
 " But no ! from that day to this," continued Mrs. Trotter, 
 " we've heard nothing of him ; and I really now am so 
 puzzled what to do, that I've come to you in confidence, as 
 an old friend, and one that, I'm sure, would be glad to do 
 me a good turn." 
 
 " No doubt on it" said Mr. Jorrocks, patting her plump 
 back, " no doubt on it." 
 
 " You're very good, I'm sure," resumed Mrs. Trotter, with 
 a smile that displayed her beautiful pearly teeth ; " I've just 
 come to ask, in fact, what you think we had best do under 
 the circumstances."
 
 222 HILLLNGDOtf HALL. 
 
 " Do under the circumstances ? " repeated Mr. Jorrocks, 
 regularly posed " do under the circumstances ? " repeated 
 he, casting his eyes up to the ceiling. " Vy," said he, 
 looking especial grave, " if you axes me as a jestice o' the 
 peace, I should tell you that the law on this point is werry 
 doubtful indeed, I may almost say, werry dubersome ; there 
 certainfo'0 are cases in the books Barnewall and Halderson, 
 and six Wesey Junior " 
 
 " Oh, but it's not the law of the point it's the prudence 
 of the point I want," interrupted Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " The prudence o' the point," said Mr. Jorrocks, " is 
 another view o' the matter. In these cases, I always think 
 it well to be prudent c Si sit prudentia,' as the poet has it. 
 Eliza's a werry nice gal werry pretty gal, and it would be 
 a grand thing to see her a Duchess." 
 
 " Wouldn't it ! " exclaimed Mrs. Trotter, clasping her 
 hands. 
 
 " But I'm rayther inclined to think," continued Mr. 
 Jorrocks, " that the Markis will be difficult to catch." 
 
 " Why so ? " exclaimed Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " Vy, in the first place, you see, there's a great demand 
 for Markisses in London ; and wot sells readily there, are 
 seldom disposed of in the country." 
 
 " But one's heard of such cases, you know, Mr. Jorrocks." 
 
 " Vy, one has certainly," replied our friend, with a saga- 
 cious elevation of his brows, " read on them, at all ewents." 
 
 " Well, but, however, it's on the cards," observed Mrs. 
 Trotter, " and trying costs nothing." 
 
 " Tryin' costs nothin', as you say," observed Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 " not like a jestice's petty session information summons 
 conwiction, and all that sort of thing." 
 
 " Well, but you'll do what you can to assist Eliza and 
 me, won't you, Mr. Jorrocks ? " 
 
 " Certainly" replied our Squire " always ready to serve 
 the ladies ; you must give Eliza a lesson or two in love- 
 makin' though," observed Mr. Jorrocks; "she don't take 
 arter her mother in that respect, I guess," added he. 
 
 " How do you know ? " inquired Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " Those sparklin' black eyes tell a different tale," replied
 
 HHUNGDON HALL. 
 
 223 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks. " I never see'd sich a pair o' pierces afore 
 no wonder little T. knocked under at once. Veil, I don't 
 know," added he thoughtfully, " but somehow or other I 
 doesn't think the gals of the present day are to be compared 
 to their mothers. They're nice and pretty, and hilegant, and 
 so on, but they haven't the gumption o' women a 'ooman 
 isn't a 'ooman, I say, till she's forty tall, dark, and forty's my 
 motto," added he, giving Mrs. Trotter a touch under the chin. 
 
 Mrs. Trotter laughed. 
 
 "You've a beautiful 'ead for bampology," observed Mr 
 Jorrocks, looking under her bonnet. " Twenty's werry 
 prominent ; that's the bamp o' wit have it myself quick 
 perception o' the meanin' of others ; presence of mind, readi- 
 ness to perceive the incongruous and ridicklous. Bamp 
 of amitiveness too behind the ear" (feeling her there). 
 " No. I, marriage, love, and all that sort o' thing ; werry fine 
 'ead indeed am a great bampology man wonders wot'un 
 bamps the Markis has ; should say he has the bamp of 
 amitiveness most young chaps have indeed." 
 
 " Some old ones too, I think," observed Mrs. Trotter, 
 with a laugh. 
 
 " Doesn't know nothin' about old 'uns," replied Mr. Jor- 
 rocks. " Never mean to be old stick where I am -jest the 
 right age wiggour blended with discretion." 
 
 While all this was going on, Joshua, who had been uncom- 
 monly active that day, arrived with a half-drunken, roystering, 
 tramping mechanic, who had been ordered out of the public- 
 house for creating a disturbance by wanting to fight. 
 
 Benjamin saw them coming, and sent Betsey to desire 
 Joshua to shove his prisoner into the wash-house, and let 
 them have a word together. 
 
 Accordingly Joshua did so. 
 
 "The old 'un's werry busy to-day," observed Benjamin, 
 " and werry grumpey, too ; I dar'nt go in to him again 
 should 'ave the boot-jack at my 'ead, p'raps." 
 
 " What's happen'd ? " inquired Joshua. 
 
 "The old game," replied Benjamin, "the old game a 
 woman, a woman."
 
 224 HILLINGDOST HALL. 
 
 " The old fellow ! " exclaimed Joshua. " Well, then, we 
 must just keep the chap till he's more at leisure," added he. 
 
 "What's he been a doin' of?" inquired Benjamin. 
 
 " Getting drunk, and threatening to fight," replied Joshua. 
 
 " Getting drunk, and threatenin' to fight," repeated Ben- 
 jamin, " the warmint ! wot'un a chap is he ? Does he 
 belong here ? " 
 
 " No, he's a stranger a Londoner I should say, by his 
 tongue." 
 
 " The Lunnuners are queer chaps," observed Benjamin ; 
 " I lived there myself. Howsomever, drunkenness ar'nt no 
 great wice in the eyes of the old 'un ; indeed, in the eyes 
 of a vast of the beaks. It's just one of those pints that is 
 either right or wrong, as occasion suits. If a chap commits 
 a gross assault and pleads drunkenness, they immediately 
 flare up with, ' Drunkenness is no excuse ! rather an aggra- 
 wation.' Then, if he pleads sobriety, they tell him ' he'd 
 better 'old his tongue, for drunkenness would be the only 
 excuse he could make for his conduct.'" 
 
 " Just so," observed Joshua, digesting the law as Ben- 
 jamin proceeded. 
 
 " I knows nicely wot the old 'un would give him," con- 
 tinued Benjamin ; " he'd storm, and threaten, and bully, as 
 if he were a goin' to transport him for life, then talk about 
 the disgraceful, degradin', disgustin' situation of a drunken 
 man, finish by finin' of him a shillin' or 'alf-a-crown, and 
 werry likely throwin' it at his 'ead as he went away, sayin', 
 ' Take your tin and be off with you ! It's a poor 'eart wot 
 never rejoices ! ' " 
 
 " Indeed ! " observed Joshua j " why, we could do better 
 than that ourselves ! " 
 
 l ' No doubt we could," replied Benjamin ; " no doubt we 
 could save the old boy all the trouble too. If you'll fetch 
 the waggabone forrad, I'll sarve him out 'andsomely, and 
 we can divide the fine for our trouble." 
 
 " Well, I've no objection," replied Joshua. 
 
 " Fetch him forrad quickly, then," observed Benjamin, 
 " and let us get the case heard we'll not trouble none of 
 his bamps," added he, imitating his master.
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 225 
 
 " Not we ! " said Joshua, closing the door, as he went ia 
 quest of his friend. 
 
 Benjamin then proceeded to array himself in his judicial 
 habiliments Welsh wig, with broad-rimmed green spectacles 
 and black gown. His own mother wouldn't have known 
 him. Having taken an arm-chair at the end of the kitchen 
 table, and ranged a few old books before him, Joshua made 
 his appearance with the prisoner a strapping young joiner 
 in his working trousers and Sunday coat and waistcoat a 
 sort of half dress. He was handcuffed. 
 
 " Who have you got there ? " growled Benjamin, as they 
 made their appearance. 
 
 " A prisoner, please your worship," replied Joshua, with 
 a low bow. 
 
 " F&tch him forrad, fetch him forrad," rejoined Benjamin, 
 imitating his master's voice and dialect. 
 
 " Who prefers the charge ? " inquired Benjamin, as they 
 reached the end of the table ; " who prefers the charge ? " 
 repeated he. 
 
 " Me, please your worship," replied Joshua. 
 
 " Then take this 'ere book in your right 'and," said 
 Benjamin, handing Joshua Mrs. Glass's Cookery Book; 
 " take off your glove, and I'll swear you." 
 
 Joshua did as desired. 
 
 " Now listen to me," continued Benjamin. " The evidence 
 wot you shall give before this grand court shall be the truth, 
 the 'ole truth, and nothiri but the truth. Kiss the book." 
 
 Joshua kissed it. 
 
 " Now then," continued Benjamin, receiving back the 
 book, and taking up an old goose-quill, " you are on your 
 oath ; now state your case as shortly as you can : tell me 
 all about it, in fact." 
 
 Joshua having cleared his voice with a preparatory hem, 
 thus commenced. 
 
 " Please your worship," said he, "as I was going my 
 rounds this morning, I was called into the public-house, 
 the sign of the ' Man loaded with Mischief,' to quell a dis- 
 turbance created by this hero, who had challenged all the 
 
 company round to fight " 
 
 p
 
 226 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 " That's a lie ! " observed the man. 
 
 " You Scoundrel ! how dare you speak in such a way 
 before his worship a justice of the peace of our Sovereign 
 Lady the Queen ? " inquired Joshua. 
 
 " And one of the jorum," observed Benjamin. 
 
 " And one of the quorum," remarked Joshua. 
 
 "I'll skin you alive," added Benjamin, with a shake of 
 the head. " Well, come, get on with your story," said he 
 to Joshua. 
 
 " Then, please your worship, when I went into the ' Man 
 loaded with Mischief/ I found this fellow standing with his 
 hat cocked on one side before the kitchen fire, bragging any 
 of the company out to fight." 
 
 " That's a lie ! " interrupted the man. 
 
 " Silence, you waggabone ! " screamed Benjamin, " or I'll 
 make mince-meat on ye chop you into sarsingers ! Go on 
 with your story," added he to Joshua. 
 
 "Then, please your worship, I ordered him to sit down 
 and behave himself like a gentleman, if he was one ; and 
 thereupon he used most abusive language to me, too shocking 
 for me to repeat." 
 
 " Dreadful ! " observed Benjamin, with another shake of 
 the head. "Wot 'ave you got to say for yourself?" asked 
 his worship of the man. 
 
 " I mean to say," replied the prisoner, with a lurch, " that 
 all that (hiccup) blackguard has been saying's a (hiccup) lie." 
 
 " That won't do," replied Benjamin ; " the gen'lman's on 
 his oath couldn't tell a lie if he would. I makes no doubt 
 you're a great waggabone, werry great waggabone. Every 
 man," added he very sententiously, " wot cocks his 'at on 
 one side is a waggabone. Every man wot cocks his 'at on 
 one side would cock his gun at a fizzant or an 'are if they 
 were to come in his way. That's the law o' the case. I 
 conwicts you in the penalty of five shillings for being drunk ; 
 and for God's sake," added he in an undertone to Joshua, 
 " get the tin and shove him out of sight as quick as ever 
 you can, for I hear the old 'un a letting his woman out, 
 and there's no saying but he may be poking in here after
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 " Now I state in the presence of many of my tenants, that I am 
 willing to do everything in my power for the improvement of stock. 
 If a committee selected from among themselves will first go into 
 Birmingham, the great metropolis of this part of the country, and 
 ascertain there what description of stock is in the greatest demand, 
 which fattens best, or yields the greatest produce of milk, or is best 
 adapted for the food and pasture of this district, I will, regardless of 
 price, introduce the best bull I can find of such species, and my tenants 
 and their cows shall have free access to the animal (loud laughter)." 
 Sir Robert Peel's Agricultural Speech at Tamworth. 
 
 JET us pay a visit to Donkeyton Castle. 
 
 The Duke of Donkeyton sat in state in the 
 midst of his spacious library, fitted up in rich 
 Gothic style, with every appliance of modern 
 luxury. Noble bookcases, glittering with well-bound, rarely 
 touched books, rose from the softly carpeted floor towards 
 the deeply mullioned ceiling, between the top of the book- 
 case and which were ranged, in close-drawn line, exquisite 
 marble busts of poets, of statesmen, of orators, of heroes, 
 of great men of ancient and modern times, of every clime 
 and country the wisdom of the world looking down on the 
 folly of the day. Antique and easy chairs of every shape 
 and make were scattered about among Gothic tables, port- 
 folio stands, busts, banner screens, and globes. A clear- 
 ticking, curiously wrought, and beautifully inlaid timepiece 
 on the elaborately ornamented stone mantelpiece alone 
 disturbed the solemn repose of the large, light-subdued 
 apartment. 
 
 His Grace sat in an easy chair, at a small black oak 
 table, with gold mother-of-pearl-cased eye-glasses in hand,
 
 228 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 surveying the county map, particularly the part about 
 Donkeyton Castle. The inner and outer circles were 
 clearly defined, like the errand circles of a London club, 
 and his Grace was bewildering himself in the attempt to 
 draw a sleeping and non-sleeping party from among the 
 omitted, prevented, and excused of the last gathering. 
 Three attempts had he made, and thrice had he failed, owing 
 to the usual confusion of his mind, and the impossibility 
 of remembering whether it was Mr. Tom Brown of the Hill, 
 or Mr. John Brown of the Vale, who had honoured him 
 on a former occasion ; or whether it was Mr. T. Smith or 
 Mr. G. Smith who was on their side in politics. 
 
 Just as his Grace began his fourth list, the Marquis 
 entered the library. " Ah, Jeems ! " exclaimed his Grace, 
 looking up, " come here, my dear ; I am so monstrously 
 puzzled, I hardly know what to do. Three lists have I 
 drawn up of people to be invited, and three times have I 
 destroyed them, owing to mistakes of some sort or other. 
 Just come now and tell me, have the Tompkinses of Lintley 
 been here this summer, or not ; or have they been invited, 
 or how ? " 
 
 " The Tompkinses ? " repeated the Marquis. 
 
 " You know there are two Tompkinses," observed his 
 Grace : " Tompkins of Lintley, and Tompkins of Whitley, 
 and between the two I'm always making some confusion. 
 One is in the outer circle, the other in the inner circle, and 
 it is the outer circle Tompkins I am puzzled about I have 
 some idea that he dined here, and his wife had a headache, 
 and stayed at home." 
 
 " Oh yes, I remember now," replied the Marquis. " He 
 is a little round squat man, with a very red face. He dined 
 here, and went home after. His wife was disappointed of 
 her dress, and could not come in consequence." 
 
 " Oh, that was the way, was it," observed the Duke. 
 
 " Yes ; so their servant told Ma's French maid." 
 
 " Very good," rejoined his Grace ; " then he's been dined, 
 and there's no occasion to have him again. Now about 
 Heslop of Bustan. Has Heslop been here this year ? " 
 
 " No, I think not," replied the Marquis. " He was asked,
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 229 
 
 but excused himself on the ground that his sister-in-law 
 was ill." 
 
 "Then I think he had better be asked now. I under- 
 stand he was a Tory, indeed most of his relations are, so 
 he should be looked after a doubtful man should always 
 be watched. Now do you know anything about Grossman 
 of Chiswick ? " inquired the Duke, writing Heslop's name 
 down. 
 
 " Grossman is dead," replied the Marquis. 
 
 " Dead, is he ? " exclaimed the Duke. " Poor fellow- 
 sorry for it, good man. Then he's out of the question. 
 Brown Jones, then do you recollect when Brown Jones 
 was last here ? " 
 
 " Brown Jones," replied the Marquis, laughing ; " that's 
 not his name." 
 
 " Oh yes, it is, I have him in my list own handwriting 
 too," showing it to the Marquis. 
 
 "I know all that," rejoined the Marquis, laughing, with- 
 out looking at- the proffered paper. " His nickname is 
 Brown Jones, because he is so very dark, and to distinguish 
 him from another, who is very white ; but his real name is 
 John." 
 
 " John Jones ! are you sure of that ? " exclaimed the Duke. 
 
 " Quite certain ! I remember your setting the table in a 
 roar of laughter by calling out, ' Mr. Brown Jones, may I 
 have the pleasure of taking wine with you ? ' " 
 
 "Well, I do recollect something about that," observed 
 the Duke, laying down his pen and looking especial wise ; 
 " I do recollect something about that. Binks whispered in 
 my ear as he helped me to wine c Mr. John Jones is ready 
 to take wine with your Grace ' awkward mistake monstrous 
 awkward mistake ; people should never use nicknames how 
 was I to know his name was John ? who knows but I've 
 offended the man, and he's turned Tory ? sad mistake, 
 monstrous sad mistake never heard him called anything 
 but Brown Jones in my life could have sworn his name 
 was Brown Jones must be asked, however make it up 
 shall take your mamma to dinner mind that, Jeems, and 
 you be very civil to him, monstrous civil."
 
 2 30 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 Thereupon his Grace added John Jones's name to the list. 
 
 "He shall have a bed too," added his Grace, patting 
 a cross to Jones's name, " though he lives in the inner 
 circle." 
 
 " Have you got Mr. Jorrocks's name down ? " inquired 
 the Marquis, after a pause. 
 
 " Mr. Jorrocks ! Mr. Jorrocks ! " repeated his Grace. 
 
 " Mr. Jorrocks, of Hillingdon Hall, you know the old 
 gentleman I stayed with," explained the Marquis. 
 
 " Ah, true ! " observed his Grace ; " I know who you mean 
 the old gentleman who came here, and sat drink drink 
 drinking such an unreasonable time. No, I've not got him" 
 said his Grace, with a shake of his bald, white-whiskered 
 head. 
 
 " You had better, I think," observed the Marquis. 
 
 " Can't stand him ! can't stand him ! " exclaimed the 
 Duke, shaking his head again ; " far too hospitable for me, 
 far too hospitable for me no getting him away from the 
 table no getting him away from the table." 
 
 " Oh, but you might get some one to drink with him. 
 Old Hobanob, of the Haw, for instance, is fond of his wine, 
 or Mr. Lushman, or Captain Fairdrinker." 
 
 " Ah, true ; but Mr. Jorrocks is a desperate sitter," ob- 
 served his Grace. " Then he will give toasts ; I assure you 
 I have hardly got over the headache he gave me when he was 
 here before desperate sitter ! desperate sitter indeed ! " 
 
 " He's a good old fellow, too," rejoined the Marquis. 
 
 " Oh, I dare say he's all that good man monstrous good 
 man ; but he's a hard drinker monstrous hard drinker 
 headache-giving old man." 
 
 " You have made him a magistrate, too ; I think you 
 should have him if it is only for the sake of appearances." 
 
 " Ah, that's another misfortune ! " exclaimed his Grace, 
 " that's another misfortune. I have got the whole com- 
 mission up in arms again ; all swear they'll resign. Bag 
 full of letters disagreeable monstrous disagreeable." 
 
 " He's just as good as half of them, I dare say," replied 
 the Marquis, determined to stick up for his friend. 
 
 " Very true very true, my dear ! " observed the Duke,
 
 IIILLINGDON HALL. 231 
 
 throwing his white-bearded head up in the air. " Still 
 they do make a great outcry ; they say he can neither speak 
 English nor write it. Certainly his letter to me wasn't 
 first-rate. However, that's done, and we must just make 
 the best of it." 
 
 "Then I would have him to dine, if it was only to 
 show you are not ashamed of him," observed the Marquis. 
 " Besides, it is our turn to ask him, you know." 
 
 " True, my dear true ; you should keep up your interest, 
 and not lay yourself under obligations : but I think we may 
 do it without sacrificing ourselves too much. That head- 
 ache / never shall forget" added his Grace, with a shudder. 
 " Does he drink much at home ? " inquired he. 
 
 " Oh no," replied the Marquis, " not to any excess. The 
 first day, you know, we had a public dinner, and there was 
 more speaking than drinking ; then, the second, he had a 
 few neighbours ladies chiefly and we had music and sing- 
 ing, and so on." 
 
 "His daughter's a fine girl," observed the Duke; "mon- 
 strous fine girl ladylike girl." 
 
 " He has no daughter," replied the Marquis. 
 
 " Oh yes, he has oh yes, he has," rejoined the Duke ; 
 " she dined here she dined here. Don't you remember 
 her ? blue satin gown on, feather in her head." 
 
 " That was not his daughter that was Mrs. Mather's 
 daughter," said the Marquis, colouring slightly, for he hadn't 
 given over blushing. 
 
 " I am sure they called her Miss Jorrocks." 
 
 " You did, I know," observed the Marquis. " The fact 
 was, she came with Mrs. Jorrocks, and you supposed of 
 course she was Miss Jorrocks." 
 
 " Ah, that was the way, was it ? " observed the Duke 
 " that was the way, was it ? Very likely very likely ; 
 the servant made the mistake in announcing them, and I 
 adopted it, I dare say. Then he has no children ? " 
 
 " No," replied the Marquis. 
 
 " What does he do when he's at home ? " asked the Duke. 
 
 " Oh, he's a great farmer," replied the Marquis ; " most 
 scientific farmer."
 
 2 3 2 H1LLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 " Is he indeed ! " exclaimed his Grace. " Is he indeed," 
 repeated he ; " well, now, I should have guessed as much : 
 fine farmer monstrous fine farmer, I dare say." 
 
 "Invents all sorts of ingenious things, draining tiles, 
 thrashing machines, and I don't know what else." 
 
 " Clever man, I dare say," rejoined his Grace ; " monstrous 
 clever man." 
 
 " Oh, very clever man," replied the Marquis. " He has a 
 most elaborate piece of machinery in hand now, that is to do 
 I don't know how many things at once." 
 
 " Indeed," replied his Grace ; " monstrous clever thing, I 
 dare say." 
 
 " You had better ask him to dine, and he will tell you all 
 about it," added the Marquis, returning to the old point. 
 
 " Ah, that's another question," added the Duke " that's 
 another question should be very glad to see him to dine 
 monstrous glad to see him to dine only he is such a man 
 for his bottle such a man for toasts such a man for 
 speeches such a man for drinking things three times over 
 gives me a headache to think of it," added his Grace, 
 pressing his hand on his forehead. 
 
 " But I dare say we could'manage him somehow," observed 
 the Marquis ; " get Mr. Slushbucket to meet him he is a 
 regular two-bottle man." 
 
 " Ah, but then Mr. Jorrocks wouldn't be content with 
 him wouldn't be content with him besides, Slushbucket 
 would go Slushbucket has some tact knows when to go 
 Jorrocks has none Jorrocks has none would victimise 
 me again, to a certainty couldn't help myself, you know, 
 and then I should have a headache for a week fortnight 
 perhaps drinking's a thing quite exploded." 
 
 " Except among farmers," observed the Marquis, anxious 
 to shelter his friend. 
 
 " Ah, true," replied his Grace ; " they take a great deal of 
 exercise monstrous deal of exercise. Mr. Jorrocks is out 
 all day, I dare say ploughing, or sowing, or harrowing, or 
 something. No," added his Grace thoughtfully, " I really 
 cannot sacrifice myself again so soon to the old gentleman. 
 If I thought Mr. Slushbucket and he would do the business
 
 IIILLIXGDON HALL. 233 
 
 together, I'd have no objection to find wine none at all 
 like it rather for Mr. Jorrocks is a very conversable man 
 agreeable man monstrous agreeable man ; but then I 
 know exactly how it would be Slushbucket would go, and 
 then it would be, ' If your Grace will allow me, I'll propose 
 the health of the Duchess of Donkeyton,' whenever Mr. 
 Jorrocks saw me make a move to leave the table or, ' With 
 your Grace's permission, we'll drink the Marquis of Bray's 
 good health again ; ' and so he would go on till midnight. 
 No, we had better give him something make him a present 
 haunch of venison saddle of southdown sucking pig 
 something of that sort." 
 
 " Oh, I dare say he has mutton enough of his own," 
 observed the Marquis. 
 
 " Ah, true," exclaimed his Grace, with an assenting chuck 
 of the head " true, true. Well, something else something 
 farming. Dare say Jobson could spare us something that 
 might be useful to him Dorsetshire ewes lamb at 
 Christmas Hampshire hog, or there's that young bull he 
 talked of taking to the fair give him that handsome 
 present monstrous handsome present." 
 
 " I dare say that would please him," observed the Marquis, 
 who had heard of Mr. Jorrocks's peregrinations and cogita- 
 tions about a bull. Moreover, the Marquis saw the Duke 
 was not to be talked into having Mr. Jorrocks again, and 
 thinking the present of the bull would furnish excuse for 
 another visit or two to Hillingdon Hall, he was content to 
 accept his father's offer. The fact was, the Marquis wanted 
 a little change a little excitement. The seclusion of 
 Donkeyton Castle, though well suited to his Grace's maturer 
 years, was ill adapted to the warm temperament of the 
 Marquis's juvenile blood. A homebred youth, reared at his 
 mother's apron strings, he had none of the suitable-aged 
 companions a public school and college enable a youth to 
 select ; and now, as he advanced to manhood, he felt that 
 yearning alter something that desire to be doing, incident 
 to youth and upon the right direction of which depends so 
 much the happiness of life. The Duke of Donkeyton was a 
 thick-headed, self-sufficient old man one who thought that
 
 234 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 everybody must like what lie liked and who could not 
 make allowances for the different tastes difference of age 
 produces. Moreover, he wrapped himself in the mantle of 
 his order, and procured as much ignorance of the world by 
 exclusiveness as his son possessed from inexperience. Now 
 and then his Grace unbent, and did a little popularity, as 
 we have seen him on the occasion of Mr. Jorrocks's visit, 
 and as he now threatened to do by others ; but he soon 
 relapsed into his former stateliness, after having offended as 
 many by his blunders and want of tact as he pleased by 
 his laboured condescension. Notwithstanding all this, how- 
 ever, his Grace believed himself extremely popular, and a 
 perfect pattern of what an English nobleman ought to be. 
 The Duchess was an amiable woman, but her sphere of 
 action was naturally contracted, nor is her character im- 
 portant to our story, further than as her amiable qualities 
 were inherited by the Marquis. 
 
 But to the bull. 
 
 His Grace having determined to compliment Mr. Jorrocks 
 with a bull, in preference to undergoing his agreeable com- 
 pany at dinner, a messenger was despatched to the farm, 
 to counter- order the animal's march for the fair, while the 
 Marquis indited the following letter to his friend, begging 
 to offer him for Mr. Jorrocks's acceptance. 
 
 "DONKEYTON CASTLE. 
 
 " DEAR MR. JORROCKS, When I was with you the other 
 day, you were anxious to procure a fine bull, and as my 
 papa has a particularly good breed, he has kindly allowed 
 me to select one for your acceptance, which I have very 
 great pleasure in offering to you. Our steward tells me he 
 is of the pure Durham breed, descended from Mr. Collings's 
 Bolinbroke ; his mamma, or whatever you farmers call the 
 old cow, a descendant of the Godolphin Arabian cow, if I 
 recollect right but you shall have his pedigree regularly 
 drawn up, if you think him worth your acceptance. His 
 colour is milk white, and he is very tame. I hope Mrs. 
 Jorrocks is quite well, and that you are getting on with 
 your thrashing machine. I should like to drive over and
 
 IIILLLNGDOX HALL. 235 
 
 see how you advance. Perhaps you would have the kind- 
 ness to say if you are at home, and whether it will be con- 
 venient to you to receive me. My papa and mamma unite 
 with me in best compliments to Mrs. Jorrocks, and I remain, 
 dear Mr. Jorrocks, very truly yours, " BRAY. 
 
 " P.S. I am not quite sure that I am right about the 
 pedigree of the bull. The steward showed me a young horse 
 at the same time that was going to the fair, and perhaps 
 I may have confounded the two ; but he will put it all right 
 for you, I make no doubt." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks was overjoyed at the receipt of the foregoing. 
 A bull was all he wanted to complete the measure of his 
 happiness. A bull that would go about the country, and 
 sweep away the prizes, and cause his master's name to be 
 hailed in booth and tent with plaudits and acclamation. 
 Now he had got one given too. The following is a copy 
 of his answer : 
 
 HILLINGDON HALL ) 
 TO WIT. $ 
 
 " DEAR MARQUIS OF BRAY, Yours is received, and note 
 the contents. 
 
 " You have conferred an honour on John Jorrocks that 
 he can never repay your noble father did me proud by 
 makin' of me a beak, but your noble self has done me far 
 prouder by givin' of me a bull. The possession of a bull 
 is the tip-top rail in the ladder of my hambition. Allow 
 me to call him the Marquis of Bray ; I feels assured he will 
 never disgrace it nay, that he will add fresh laurels to 
 those you have gained. Never mind his pedigree if he's 
 a good handler, and straight in the back, I'll make him one 
 from the Herd Book that can't be surpassed. Collins is a 
 name jestly dear to us farmers dear, long afore Collins's 
 axles were inwented. Bolinbroke was indeed a grand bull. 
 His grandson was the sire of the cow "Lady," who at 
 fourteen was sold for two hundred and sixty guineas. 
 Countess, her daughter, fatched four hundred guineas at 
 nine years old Major and George, two of her sons, the
 
 236 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 former three years old, the latter a calf, fatched one two 
 hundred guineas, t'other a hundred and thirty ; and, indeed, 
 " Lady's " progeny are famous throughout the universe. 
 Who knows but your lordship, in givin' of me this bull, has 
 laid the foundation of fame for the name of John Jorrocks, 
 equal to that of the Collins, the Masons, and the Coates' 
 of Scotland? With your permission, I'll go over to Don- 
 keyton on Thursday, to accompany the noble and valuable 
 quadruped 'ome, and the sooner after that your lordship 
 comes to drink his 'ealth at my 'ouse, the better Mrs. 
 Jorrocks and I will be pleased. Dinner at five, and no 
 waitin' ; so no more at present from, my dear Lord Marquis, 
 yours to serve, " JOHN JORROCKS, J.P. 
 
 " P.S. The Godolphin was an 'oss not a short'orn 
 possibly you've mexed the pedigrees, but no matter. Wot 
 you calls my threshin' machine is I s'pose my grand reaper, 
 plougher, sower, thresher, grinder, &c. 'Jorrocks's Gene- 
 raliser,' or ' man of all work,' as I calls it. I haven't had 
 time to get it stuck together yet ; indeed, I'm a thinkin' 
 whether it wouldn't be possible to add a baker's shop and 
 oven ; but when you comes over I'll have the joiner at work, 
 and we'll see what we can do. It'll be a grand concern ; 
 but at present the bull's the ticket." 
 
 On the appointed day Mr. Jorrocks and Benjamin set off 
 in the old rattle-trap to bring the bull from Donkeyton 
 Castle to Hillingdon Hall. Mr. Jorrocks had provided a 
 suitable domicile for him near the house, and laid in a most 
 liberal allowance of straw, cut clover, and every luxury a 
 bull could require. The news of the Marquis's letter was 
 known both at the Manse and Mrs. Trotter's ere our worthy 
 friend had mastered its contents, and both ladies dropped in 
 casually at the Hall to try if they could learn anything 
 about it. Unfortunately Mr. Jorrocks had not returned from 
 his usual stare about the country ; and though Mrs. Jorrocks 
 kept turning the letter about on its corners, letting them 
 see who it was from, she did not muster courage to open it. 
 Mr. J. had her in better order.
 
 IIILLIXGDOX HALL. 237 
 
 The Duke of Donkey ton being afraid to encounter Mr. 
 Jorrocks at luncheon even, deputed the Marquis to do the 
 honours of the house to the distinguished visitor ; but Mr. 
 Jorrocks having a great contempt for luncheon at all times, 
 and a violent desire to see his bull at the present one, could 
 hardly find time to exchange common civilities with his 
 noble host, who met him as he drove up to the door. 
 
 " And how is Mrs. Jorrocks ? " asked the Marquis, after 
 he had shaken hands with our worthy friend on alighting 
 from his antediluvian vehicle. 
 
 " Quite well. 'Ow's my ball ? " inquired he. 
 
 " I thought you'd have driven Mrs. Jorrocks or some 
 of the ladies over with you this fine day," observed the 
 Marquis. 
 
 " Mrs. J. couldn't have driven the ball 'ome, you know," 
 replied Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " No ; no more can your boy, for that matter, I should 
 think," observed the Marquis, looking at Benjamin's insig- 
 nificant figure. 
 
 " Doesn't know that," replied Mr. Jorrocks, adding, " wot 
 the big 'uns does by strength, the little 'uns does by 
 hartifice." 
 
 " Well, but you'll walk in and take a little jelly, chicken 
 broth, or something, after your long drive," said the Marquis. 
 
 " I think not, thank you," replied Mr. Jorrocks " never 
 takes the bloom off my appetite by luncheon s'pose we walk 
 and see the ball, while Binjimin gets Dickey Cobden a feed 
 o' corn." 
 
 " With all my heart," replied the Marquis " only it's a 
 long way from here." 
 
 " Three or four miles, perhaps," observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 looking at the soles of his Hessians, and wondering whether 
 Dickey Cobden could draw them there. 
 
 " Oh no, only outside the wall a mile or so." 
 
 " A mile's nothin'," observed Mr. Jorrocks with a smile, 
 giving the reins to Benjamin. 
 
 The two then set off on foot. 
 
 " It is a charming day," observed the Marquis, throw- 
 ing back his pea-green cashmere coat, lined with silk, and
 
 238 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 displaying his embroidered braces, pink rowing-shirt, and 
 amber-coloured waistcoat adorned with many chains. " Pray, 
 how are all the ladies ? " 
 
 " All werry well," replied Mr. Jorrocks ; " take care they 
 don't make you the rewerse," added he, with a knowing leer. 
 
 " What for ? " inquired the Marquis. 
 
 " You knows wot for," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with a jerk 
 of the head. " Mrs. Trotter '11 stand no nonsense," added 
 he ; " she's a real knock-me-down man o' business." 
 
 " But I've had nothing to do with Mrs. Trotter," replied 
 the Marquis, colouring brightly. 
 
 " No ; but you've been havin' to do with her darter, she 
 says, and she won't stand no nonsense." 
 
 " Oh, the silly woman ! " exclaimed the Marquis ; "it was 
 Emma Flather I was flirting with." 
 
 "Ay, Emma too" said Mr. Jorrocks. "Her mother 
 wants to take you through 'ands. Howsomever, never 
 mind. Don't you go too far, or they'll be bringin' of 
 you afore my worship haw, haw, haw." 
 
 " Well, but what do they say ? " inquired the Marquis, 
 anxious to know how the land lay. 
 
 "Vy, jest that, " replied Mr. Jorrocks, "that you're a 
 courtin' on 'em both and the mothers are wise enough to 
 know they can't both get you." 
 
 " That's awkward," observed the Marquis aloud, thinking 
 he might flirt with half-a-dozen in London without the 
 others being much the wiser. 
 
 " Mrs. Trotter's a fine woman, but I shouldn't like to be 
 basted by her," observed Mr. Jorrocks, shrugging up his 
 shoulders " she's a divil of a harm." 
 
 The Marquis shuddered. " You are joking, Mr. Jorrocks," 
 at length said he. 
 
 " Deuce a bit ! deuce a bit ! they've been at me, both on 
 'em lay in' informations lay in' informations trespass on 
 the feelin's trespass on the feelin's howsomever, as I said 
 before, don't go too far" 
 
 " Far ! " exclaimed the Marquis ; " why, I've really said 
 nothing ! " 
 
 " Then you've been a squeezin' their 'ands, or lookin'
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 239 
 
 sweet at them, or something for both the mothers are hup 
 in harms, and when an old ooman takes a thing in her, the 
 deuce and all won't drive it out again." 
 
 The long silence that ensued brought our friends to the 
 encircling wall, and the Marquis, applying a key to a small 
 green door, let them out on the vulgar world beyond. 
 
 They were now upon the Duke's farm. Lucky it was a 
 Duke's farm, for it would have ruined any other man. The 
 spacious house was of the Elizabethan order, guarded by a 
 haw-haw and a shrubbery in front, which rose into forest 
 trees towards the sides, shutting out the huge range of farm 
 buildings behind. The house seemed to possess every re- 
 quisite for a " genteel family," as the auctioneers advertise. 
 Mrs. Jobson was basking in an arbour on the west side, in 
 an elegant morning dishabille white muslin, with lavender- 
 coloured ribbons reading a pocket edition of " Don Juan," 
 when the well-known clap of the door, as the Marquis 
 closed the Park one after him, sent her hurry skurry into 
 the house, to arrange a more attractive attire, beginning, of 
 course, with that all-important article in female eyes, an 
 elaborately worked collar. Mr. Jobson was loitering about 
 in a brown sporting buttoned cut-away, duck trousers, and 
 Wellington boots, giving orders to sundry clowns in clogs, 
 who looked far too white and puffy to work. Seeing the 
 Marquis, he came deferentially forward, and, hat in hand, 
 stood to receive his commands. His lordship proposed show- 
 ing Mr. Jorrocks round the establishment, and accordingly 
 a bell was rung at the back of the house, whidh served 
 as a dinner bell for Jobson, and a summoning bell for the 
 servants. The drones were suddenly called into activity. 
 John Tolpiddle, the Dorsetshire dairyman, came forward in 
 a brown holland blouse, and a short whip in his hand, to 
 show the cows, some five-and-twenty of which stood dos- 
 d-dos in a sky-lit byre, littered like Newmarket racers, with 
 a tramway down the centre, for the double purpose of carry- 
 ing down forage and carrying up litter. The cows were 
 beautifully clean, and the byre as sweet as a drawing-room. 
 The loss upon this branch of the establishment was some-
 
 2 40 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 thing under two hundred a year, including Mr. and Mrs. 
 Tolpiddle's wages, and that was considered very low. It had 
 been as high as four hundred a year, but that was in con- 
 sequence of his Grace having insisted upon making Cheshire 
 cheese, which the poverty of the pasture had not allowed 
 them to accomplish. The Tolpiddles, however, made very 
 good white cheese ; and Mr. Jobson, with a consideration 
 that did him the highest credit, sooner than his noble master 
 should be disappointed in his prophecy, that ere long they 
 would make as good cheese at Donkeyton as they did in 
 Cheshire, had arranged with another nobleman's Jobson in 
 that county to exchange a certain quantity of cheese annually, 
 and his Grace now ate Cheshire cheese with a hearty gusto, 
 and a firm conviction that it was of his own making. " Let 
 me send you a little Donkeyton Cheshire," he would exclaim, 
 down the table ; " excellent cheese monstrous good cheese 
 indeed ! Shows what science and perseverance can accom- 
 plish. This cheese was made on my own farm, at Straw- 
 berry Hill; everybody said it was impossible. I said there 
 was no such thing as an impossibility, and by persevering 
 I've accomplished it. Let me send you a piece just to 
 taste." And so his Grace praised and distributed his cheese 
 round the table, which of course his guests praised also. 
 " Excellent ! nothing could be better ! better than Cheshire ! " 
 " Well, I think so too," his Grace would exclaim. " Binks ! 
 the burgundy." 
 
 The pigs were next inspected. John Jolter, late of 
 Martyrs Worthy, in Hampshire, had been lured from his 
 native hcgs to superintend his Grace's piggery at Donkeyton, 
 and with Mrs. Jolter, and a numerous family of little Jolters, 
 occupied a sentimental-looking cottage in one corner of the 
 spacious square forming the farmyard. 
 
 Mrs. Smith, late of Leatherhead, superintended the 
 Dorking fowls ; while Mrs. Tubs, late of Pakenham, in 
 Norfolk, had the charge of the turkeys ; for each of which 
 a beautifully clean, well-lighted, flued and stoved apartment 
 was kept, above which were pigeon-houses, under the direction 
 of Mr. Kite, the Islington bird-fancier. There were two 
 shepherds, one from Cheviot, the other from Old Shoreham,
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 241 
 
 in Sussex; also a goose-driver, from Spalding, in Lincoln- 
 shire ; and a horse-breaker, from Malton, in Yorkshire. The 
 confusion of tongues, and the confusion of animals, was great. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks went the rounds, as we have seen many 
 a man go the rounds of a house, with ill-assumed interest. 
 All he wanted to see was his ball. At length they arrived 
 at the bull department. These were under the charge of a 
 Durham man, John Topham, late of Middleton St. George. 
 He first brought out one bull, then another, until at length 
 he produced Mr. Jorrocks's " Young Goliah," as he was 
 called. He was a noble animal, milk-white and silky 
 coated, with a curly pow, and a deep dewlap reaching to 
 his knees. He roared and bellowed and pawed the ground, 
 and lashed his tail, as though all the world were his, and 
 the bystanders mere intruders. 
 
 " He's an uncommon fine 'un ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 advancing towards him, a liberty the bull resented by 
 rushing headlong at our Squire, and landing him on the 
 top of the midden. 
 
 " Take care, my lord ! take care, my lord ! For God's 
 sake, take care, my lord ! " exclaimed half-a-dozen hangers- 
 on, rushing to his assistance, and raising Mr. Jorrocks from 
 his soft, though impure position. " He's not to be trusted 
 with strangers, my lord," added Mr. Jobson, lording our 
 Squire like the rest, for noblemen's servants always fancy 
 noblemen's visitors must be noblemen. 
 
 " I fears Binjimin won't be able to take him 'ome," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, adjusting his wig, and cleaning 
 himself of the straw. 
 
 " Oh, we'll send him for you," observed the Marquis, still 
 laughing at the upset. 
 
 " Ah, but I should like to take him 'ome with me," 
 replied Mr. Jorrocks ; " there's to be a little festival in our 
 willage in honour of his arrival, and you see we can't rejoice 
 without he's there. He must be introduced as a ball of his 
 great consequence ought to be a ball of consideration, in 
 fact. I fears he will be rayther too many for my bouy 
 Binjimin, though," observed Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing the bull's 
 enormous proportions. 
 
 Q
 
 242 HILLINGDON HALL, 
 
 " Oh, a boy would have no chance with him," observed 
 the keeper ; " he'd knock a whole troop of them over with 
 his tail. So, my man, so" added the keeper coaxingly, to 
 the bull, rubbing his hand into his curly pow. 
 
 " 'Owever shall I get him 'ome ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks 
 aloud to himself, as the bull began bellowing and roaring 
 and lurching to and fro. " He's a hawkward customer, 
 I'm a thinkin', with them polished 'orns of his. He may 
 be a short 'orn, but I shouldn't like to have one o' them in 
 my bread-basket, 'owever short." 
 
 " Oh, we will send him for you to-morrow," said the 
 Marquis, " in the van ; we keep a carriage for the quadrupeds 
 on this farm." 
 
 " That's cuttin' it fat," observed Mr. Jorrocks " 'opes he 
 won't expect to have a chay kept with me ; but howsomever, 
 you see, I must have him 'ome to-night by 'ook or by crook, 
 or the willagers '11 be disappointed of their rejoicin' bells to 
 ring children to dance chaws to shout self to make a 
 speech, and all that sort of thing. Are there no posters to 
 get in this country ? Wouldn't mind standin' eighteen- 
 pence a mile for sich an unkimmon fine quadruped. The 
 finest ball wotever was seen ! ball of all balls ! " 
 
 " Oh, we can manage all that for you," observed the 
 Marquis, who had only to give the order to be obeyed. 
 "Tell them," said he to Jobson, "to put horses to the 
 caravan, and take Mr. Jorrocks's bull home." 
 
 " Yes, my lord," replied Mr. Jobson, bowing respectfully. 
 
 The cart-horses, however, were all down at the Flemish 
 farm, as a certain portion of Strawberry Hill was called, 
 preparing a piece of ground for another triumph over nature, 
 that of planting potatoes in autumn ; and when Mr. Jorrocks 
 and the Marquis returned from paying their respects to Mrs. 
 Jobson, who had got herself and some seed-cake elegantly 
 arranged in the lavender-coloured silk- furnished drawing- 
 room, notwithstanding the time Mr. Jorrocks had consumed 
 in prefacing the healths of the lady, and of Jobson, and of 
 the Duke of Donkeyton, and of the Duchess of Donkeyton, 
 and of the Marquis of Bray, and of the " Marquis secundus," 
 as he called him, that was to say his ball, to each of which
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 243 
 
 he drank a bumper of sherry, still, on his return, no horses 
 had arrived. Jobson and Jorrocks then went to seek them ; 
 and the Marquis, fearful of walking himself into a fever, 
 took leave of his respected friend, first intimating that he 
 should soon pay him a visit at Hillingdon Hall, and after 
 spending half-an-hour with his premier amour, Mrs. Jobson, 
 he returned alone to the Castle. 
 
 Things then relapsed into a very lethargic mood, and the 
 day was far spent before Mr. Jorrocks got his bull into the 
 caravan. Having seen it in and off, he returned to Donkey- 
 ton Castle, to get Benjamin and the carriage to follow ; but 
 we are ashamed to say, the servants had taken their revenge 
 of Benjamin for winning so much money of them when he 
 was there before, and not bringing any to play with them 
 again, and had made him so drunk that he could not stand. 
 Shocked at the boy's depravity, Mr. Jorrocks curled him up 
 like a codfish, and stuffing him in behind the carriage, drove 
 away as hard as ever Dickey Cobden could lay legs to the 
 ground, to overtake the caravan with the bull. This he 
 was not long in doing, for the driver had pulled up at the 
 first public, and was regaling himself with a pot and a pipe. 
 The consequence of all this was, that the villagers were dis- 
 appointed of their festival. In vain the big-bustled girls 
 strained their eyes along the turnpike. In vain the chaws 
 climbed on the gates. In vain Joshua Sneakington walked 
 on as far as Old Moor Hill. No symptoms of Mr. Jorrocks 
 or his bull appeared. At length the shades of summer 
 night drew on ; the beetles blundered in the waiters' faces, 
 the bats hovered round and round, and the bark of the 
 shepherd's dog was heard more plainly in the evening still. 
 At length Mrs. Jorrocks and her girls beat a retreat. The 
 chaws gradually cleared off, some with their sweethearts, 
 some in couples, some by themselves, and when Mr. Jorrocks 
 arrived a couple of hours after, the road was as clear as if it 
 had never known bustle. The only symptoms of the move- 
 ment that remained on his arrival was a letter from James 
 Blake, upbraiding him severely for having written to ask to 
 have the bells rung in honour of his bulL
 
 244 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 "And if the night 
 
 Have gathered aught of evil, or concealed, 
 Disperse it, as now light dispels the dark." 
 
 jARLY risers see strange sights. Mr. Jorrocks's 
 bull kept him in a state of excitement the 
 whole night. He dreamt all sorts of horrible 
 dreams. First that the bull-house was on fire, 
 and the bull wouldn't come out. No, not all the bran 
 mashes and chopped turnips in the world would induce " the 
 Marquis " to come out. Then with a last desperate effort, 
 just as he thought he saw the flames catching the straw 
 behind the bull's tail, he succeeded in landing Mrs. J. with 
 a terrible flam on the floor ; next after he had got Mrs. 
 Jorrocks appeased, and himself composed to sleep again, he 
 dreamt he saw some idle boys pull the animal's tail off, and 
 some idle girls join it and another bull's tail together, and 
 make a skipping rope of them. Then he dreamt he saw a 
 blue-aproned butcher, with a knife in his hand, and a steel 
 at his side, arrive for the purpose of slaughtering "the 
 Marquis," and the effort he made in roaring out " That ar'nt 
 him ! " again awoke him. No sooner was he composed to 
 sleep after this, than he dreamt he had the bull at the 
 Smithfield Cattle Show, and the judges wouldn't look at 
 him next that they gave him the premium, and Sir R. 
 Peel snatched it from him as he carried it out of the bazaar. 
 Then, that Lord Spencer inveigled him to Althorp, and 
 kept him on oil-cake till he declared himself an anti-corn- 
 law repealer. That when he was released, he had grown 
 so fat he couldn't get out of the door. Then that his lord-
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 245 
 
 ship put him and his Durham ox, and Prince Albert's 
 Suffolk and Bedfordshire pig into a caravan, and sent them 
 round the country as a show a penny apiece, or twopence 
 for the three. That he (Mr. Jorrocks) was continually getting 
 stirred up with the long pole to show himself. 
 
 At length, feeling the impossibility of procuring anything 
 like comfortable repose, our worthy Cockney Squire deter- 
 mined to vacate his couch altogether, and rose just as a 
 lovely summer sun beamed its first rays upon the beautiful 
 landscape, gilding wood and water, hill and dale, with the 
 luxuriance of its effulgence. Autumn was coming on. 
 The reapers had been busy in many parts, and the golden 
 corn stood in sheaf and stook in all the early places. Mr. 
 Jorrocks surveyed the all-beauteous landscape from his room, 
 and dressing himself in thick shoes, drab shags and gaiters, 
 instead of the blue stockingettes and Hessians of the previous 
 day, determined upon taking a ramble about the country, 
 ere the harvesting population were abroad. Having first 
 visited his bull, and found none of the direful calamities he 
 had dreamt had befallen him, and having foddered him, 
 and littered out his stall, and admired his just proportions, 
 now seen to greater advantage without the competitors of 
 Mr. Jobson's establishment, Mr. Jorrocks set out on his 
 rambles. First he looked at Tompkins's sheep winding 
 round the side of Holford Hill, then he stared Johnny 
 Wopstraw's cows out of countenance wondered how much 
 milk each gave whether the milk made good cream and 
 how much cheese the dairy produced. Then he sauntered 
 on, and admired Willey Goodheart's cart-horses enjoying 
 their rest, during the progress of. the harvest calculated 
 how much each could draw priced them separately 
 thought how much each would sell for at Tatt's; then 
 lumped them all together and struck an average. Then 
 he hung over a gate opening into Tommy Sloggers' fallow 
 counted the thistles till he couldn't count them for thick- 
 ness calculated their probable produce next year admired 
 the brackens, and wondered whether the fallow was meant 
 for a wheat or a bracken crop. Thought nothing could 
 beat Sloggers for dirt was sure he would get the prize for
 
 246 HILLINGDOtf HALL. 
 
 slovenliness. Had a good mind to walk on and knock at his 
 door and tell him so. Thought perhaps he'd better not. 
 Didn't like to be bit. Thought how often he had been bit 
 in horse-dealing. Run his hunters through his mind, and 
 thought he might write a paper, headed, " My 'Osses, by 
 Jorrocks." Stared at Smith's stack, wondered how many 
 tons of hay it held. How long his bull would be in eating 
 it. Thus our farmer friend sauntered over hill and over 
 dale, now standing with his mouth open inhaling the fresh 
 morning air, admiring the prospect, or wondering whether 
 it would be a good harvest whether the yield would be 
 deficient whether the straw would be short or not and 
 considering whether money in the funds or money in a 
 farm was the safest spec ; thought it very odd that while 
 all the farmers swore everything was ruinously cheap, yet 
 if he happened to want anything, that article was invariably 
 dear. Tried to make out how it was that lime was only 
 a manure when given by the landlord, and possessed no 
 " wirtues " when the tenant had to buy it. The more Mr. 
 Jorrocks thought, the more he was puzzled about farming. 
 
 He had now got upon Mr. Heavytail's, or the " pet farm." 
 Here he saw people astir on the side of the hill, and looking 
 at his watch, and finding it yet wanted twenty minutes to 
 five, he gave Mr. Heavy tail or his people credit for great 
 industry. They were in a corn-field setting up the sheaves 
 that no doubt had toppled over. No, they were on the part 
 where the corn had been led. What could they be after ? 
 They crawled about as if they were after no good, now down 
 the hedge side, now across the field corner, now flat on their 
 bellies. They must be waggabones. He would go and see. 
 
 Accordingly our friend crept stealthily round the hill, 
 keeping under the walls and the hedges, taking an occasional 
 peep to see that he was going in the line of the objects he 
 had seen. At length he reached the adjoining field. He 
 buttoned his coat, drew his breath, and availing himself of 
 a deep ditch on his side, passed quickly along. 
 
 " Crikey, but here's a plummy one ! " from a shrill voice, 
 told him that he was close upon the delinquents, and starting
 
 THE SURPRISE.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 247 
 
 up by the side of a big tree, Mr. Jorrocks came upon Ben- 
 jamin just as he was wringing the neck of a partridge that 
 Joshua Sneakington had handed him from the net. 
 
 Benjamin stared like one possessed, for the fumes of the 
 Donkeyton Castle drink were still upon him, and he gave a 
 half-frightened idiotic sort of laugh, as though he didn't 
 know whether to cry or be pleased. Joshua Sneakington 
 turned deadly pale, his compressed lip quivered, and his 
 hand shook so that the unslaughtered partridges availed 
 themselves of the commotion, and slipt out of the net. 
 
 "You INFERNAL VILLAINS ! " roared Mr. Jorrocks with 
 doubled fists from the top of the hedge, "I'LL TRANSPORT 
 YOU ALL AND 'ANG THE REST," a declaration that had the 
 effect of sobering Benjamin, who dropped on his knees, and 
 with clasped hands began clamouring for mercy " Mercy ! 
 mercy ! mercy I " exclaimed he ; " it was all this infernal 
 willain wot forced me to it there weren't a better-disposed 
 bye in all the world afore I got acquainted with this 
 great hugly thief," casting an indignant glance at the still 
 trembling Joshua. 
 
 " You warmint," grinned Mr. Jorrocks, still standing 
 with clenched fists, gasping for rage, and meditating 
 whether to jump atop of Benjamin or not. 
 
 " Indeed I'm innocent, sir," continued Benjamin, looking 
 imploringly at his master. " There weren't a more wirtuous 
 amiable bye than I was afore I got corrupted by that ainazin' 
 great willain. He's enough to ruin a county." 
 
 Joshua now began to recover his senses, and looking 
 beseechingly up at the still bristling, eye-glistening Squire, 
 was beginning, " Oh, your worship ! " 
 
 " Don't vorship me ! " roared Mr. Jorrocks, " you unmiti- 
 gated scamp. No wonder my partridges are few, and the 
 fizzants don't crow as they used. Get out o' my sight, you 
 double-distilled essence of roguery, or assuredly I'll murther 
 you ; I'll ram your 'at down your puritanical throat, and 
 stuff a stockin' arter it." 
 
 Joshua took the hint and strode quickly away, cursing 
 his unlucky stars for having embarked in such a speculation, 
 and wondering what would come of it all.
 
 248 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 Benjamin, like a licked cur, then came to " heel," and 
 followed Mr. Jorrocks, exonerating himself and inculpating 
 Joshua as he went. Benjamin had had enough of Joshua, 
 and wasn't sorry to get rid of him. First he told all about 
 the netting, and how Joshua had a pheasant call that would 
 draw all the pheasants out of the covers, and how he had 
 been making pies of the young ones already. He also 
 showed Mr. Jorrocks where he had fed the partridges, and 
 the sticks and furze bushes he had used to prepare them for 
 the mysteries of the net, and how Joshua took them, and all 
 how and about it in fact. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks having learnt all he could, put Dickey Cob- 
 den to his carriage immediately after breakfast, and drove 
 himself and Benjamin over to his friend Captain Bluster's, 
 where, after a full disclosure by Benjamin of all, and perhaps 
 a little more than he knew, they concocted a three months' 
 committal for Joshua, which our friend thought it better 
 to put up with than risk a severer sentence at sessions. So 
 great was his popularity, that half the village of Hillingdon 
 visited the prison during the time he was there, for the 
 pleasure of seeing Joshua in gaol.
 
 249 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 Soon as the morning trembles o'er the sky, 
 And, unperceived, unfolds the spreading day, 
 Before the ripened field the reapers stand, 
 In fair array, each by the lass he loves, 
 To bear the rougher part, and mitigate 
 By nameless gentle offices her toil." 
 
 THOMSON'S SEASONS. 
 
 JOSHUA SNEAKINGTON being comfortably 
 provided for in gaol, Mr. Jorrocks had an. 
 inward inquiry as to how it was that he, a 
 sharp London merchant, had been done by 
 such a country lout as Joshua Jorrocks, who had once 
 got to the windward of Rothschild in a deal, and who was 
 reckoned the second-best judge of treacle in the trade. To 
 carry the inquiry out, our friend called in the assistance of 
 his neighbours, who, as usual, " knew it all before." " Oh, 
 they knew all about it ! Didn't he know ? Well, now, 
 that was odd ! If they'd only thought that, they'd have 
 told him directly. Joshua was the greatest rogue in the 
 country ; Joshua had cheated everybody had cheated them, 
 had cheated Brown, had cheated Green, had cheated Brown 
 Jones, had cheated White Jones would rob a church 
 should have been transported long since ; " in short, gave 
 Mr. Jorrocks such information as caused him to doubt 
 whether all the knavery was really settled in London, and 
 all the honesty in the country. 
 
 An "Oxbridge, a Watford, or a Twyford waggoner, in his 
 gosling-green embroidered breasted frock, round-crowned 
 ticketed hat, clumsy packthread-pointed whip, and enor- 
 mous hob-nailed highlows, wending his way along Holborn
 
 2so HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 or Oxford Street, with his rough-coated, mud-stained team, 
 and a rickety wain, had always appeared to Mr. Jorrocks 
 the impersonification of simplicity and rural honesty. If he 
 had wanted his washing sent into the country, or a goose 
 brought from it, he felt as if he could have trusted one 
 of these simple-looking chawbacons, without " noting " the 
 contents of the bundle, or limiting him as to price for the 
 goose. Far otherwise did he feel with regard to any of 
 Meux's, or Barclay and Perkins's " hey the whays ! " with 
 their red nightcaps, plush breeches, dirty cotton stockings, 
 and bluchers. They, he felt certain, would put the bundle 
 "up the spout," or make purl or "half-and-half" of the 
 goose money. 
 
 Such were the ideas with which Mr. Jorrocks had emi- 
 grated into the country ideas not uncommon, we believe, 
 among those whose lives, like his, have been spent in the 
 great city of London ; and now, at his age, to awake to the 
 unpleasant conviction that there were as big thieves in the 
 country as in London, was rather startling and unpleasant ; 
 worse still to think that he had been victimised by one of 
 the fraternity. Joshua had had a fine time of it. His 
 respectable appearance, his plausible tongue, his subtle 
 management, aided by Mr. Jorrocks's unsuspecting con- 
 fidence and self-sufficiency, had afforded him opportunities 
 that his able mind knew well how to make the most of. 
 He had bit him. 
 
 Joshua had certainly been of use to Mr. Jorrocks but 
 for him, our worthy friend would have paid about double 
 for everything that he bought, and been desperately cheated 
 in bulls, and all farming transactions ; and now that Joshua 
 was on the " mill," Mr. Jorrocks began to feel the loss of 
 his managing mind. Benjamin was of no use whatever 
 out of doors ; indeed, he candidly told his master one day, 
 when he wanted him to lead ashes out with Dickey Cobden, 
 that " he didn't profess to be a farmer." 
 
 Plenty of people offered for the vacant situation, but Mr. 
 Jorrocks was afraid and durst not venture. His time and 
 thoughts were divided between his bull, and the question 
 who should be Joshua's successor. The bull was very ex-
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 251 
 
 pensive. Before Mr. Jorrocks had had him a week, he had 
 been the means of consuming half-a-dozen of sherry and a 
 suitable quantity of seed-cake, everybody that called being 
 supposed to have come to see the quadruped. Indeed, he 
 was the cause of a sore disappointment to Mrs. Flather. 
 "You must come and see the Markis," said Mr. Jorrocks 
 in an offhand sort of way to her, coming out of church on 
 the Sunday after the bull's arrival ; and, accordingly, Emma 
 and she arrived, tricked out in their very best, and found 
 that the " Markis " he meant was the bull. 
 
 The factotum question was very perplexing. Mr. 
 Jorrocks thought over everybody, from Bill Bowker down- 
 wards, and could not hit upon any one qualified for the post. 
 The farmer's instructor was floored. In truth, it was rather 
 a difficult office to undertake, having to lead the blind leader 
 of the blind. Mr. Jorrocks began to suspect that he was 
 not quite so wise as he thought. That, however, he kept to 
 himself. 
 
 It was on a bright summer afternoon, when the harvest 
 was at its height, and joyful cheers rang ever and anon on 
 the surrounding landscape, denoting that now another and 
 another farmer's fears were over, by the last of his corn 
 getting cut, that Mr. Jorrocks, still meditating and un- 
 certain, sauntered from his house by the more unfrequented 
 paths, and sought the sweet communion of nature, without 
 the interruption of mankind. The country was in full 
 beauty. The green grass shot forth vigorously, obliterating 
 the scythe marks of the mower ; the clover presented a 
 fragrant second crop ; turnip fields were unfolding their 
 leafy honours ; and all these, commingled with the waving 
 corn, or dotting stocks of golden grain with the purple 
 heather of the higher lands, or sky-line breaking larch or 
 pine of the hill-tops, presented a rich mixture of primeval 
 nature and agricultural improvement. The trees were still 
 in full leaf, and though autumn's later tints were wanting, 
 still there was a goodly mixture of foliage, by the dotting of 
 the gay larch, or sombre spruce, or darker pine, among the 
 masses of oak wood, while the white birch stood outside in 
 gay relief against the rest. The loaded corn-fields scattered
 
 252 HILLIXGDOX HALT, 
 
 here and there among the woods diversified the landscape, 
 and presented a rich picture of bounteous plenty. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks sauntered on, now across the green sward, 
 now hip -high in waving corn through the field path, now 
 forcing a way through the rank grass and concealing 
 brambles of the wood track, and now roaming again upon 
 the wilder turf, sprinkled with heather and field flowers. 
 At length he got into one of those now rarely met with 
 passages, a green lane. It was a real green lane. Scarce 
 a cart-rut broke its even surface, and its verdure was kept 
 so close nipped by cattle, that the traveller had not sufficient 
 temptation to keep in any track, so as to form one decided 
 foot- way. It was one of those continuous lines of by-roads 
 frequented chiefly by cattle-drovers. The woodbine-entwined 
 and rose-bending bushes of the high hedges in the narrow 
 parts formed a cool shade, while broader places, widening 
 into patches of common towards the hill-tops (over which 
 these roads always pass), furnished cheap pasture for the 
 loitering cattle. 
 
 As luck would have it, just as our Squire got to the 
 narrowest part of this green lane, and within a hundred 
 yards of where he meant to turn off, to make a circuit back 
 to Hillingdon Hall, he encountered a large drove of Scotch 
 kyloes, picking their way as they went. There might be 
 fifty or sixty of them, duns, browns, mottles, reds, and blacks, 
 with wildness depicted in the prominent eyes of their broad 
 faces. 
 
 " Hup ! how ! how ! " cried our Squire, throwing up his 
 arms to get them to clear a passage for him, a movement 
 that only threw confusion into the herd, and caused them to 
 butt and run foul of each other. They didn't seem to care 
 twopence for the Justice. 
 
 " Had bye, ar say, there ! " holloaed a voice from behind, 
 accompanying the demand with a crack of his stick on the 
 quarter of the hindmost kyloe. 
 
 " You get out o' the vay, I say ! " roared Mr. Jorrocks, 
 indignant at being spoken to in such a manner. 
 
 " God smash ! how can ar get out o' the way ? " replied 
 the same voice, again visiting the hindmost kyloe with a
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 253 
 
 crack. " De ye think a kyley's like a huss, that yean (one) 
 can pull about by the gob ? " 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks again raised his arms, and by dint of shew ! 
 shew ! shelving ! and keeping close to the hedge, succeeded 
 in forcing his way through the herd. 
 
 He now got a sight of the drover, as the latter rose a 
 short hill that had kept him below the level of the cattle. 
 He was a tall ungainly-looking man, in a Scotch cap, with 
 the lower part of his face muffled up in a plaid, which, 
 spreading in ample fold across his chest, was confined by 
 the fringed end under the right arm. A rudely-cast brass 
 shamrock and thistle decorated the red and grey border of the 
 woollen cap, in which was stuck a splendid eagle's feather, 
 that stood boldly above the crown. Long, straggling, iron- 
 grey locks escaped from below the cap's close-fitting sides, 
 making the aquiline nose and bright hazel eyes of the wearer 
 more conspicuous. 
 
 The upraised arms, now employed in frightening, now in 
 beating the cattle, displayed the dark green tartan, of which 
 the wearer's little butler's-pantry sort of jacket was made ; 
 while a very short, much-stained, red waistcoat kept at a 
 very respectful distance from a pair of very baggy, drab, 
 shag breeches, confined at the knees with buttons of various 
 colours and patterns. First, on the right leg came a large 
 white one, with a fox, and an L below it ; then a black horn 
 one ; then a large yellow one with a fox and an N ; then a 
 button with a coronet and a bunch of hieroglyphics ; followed 
 on by a white button with a fox's mask. On the left leg 
 the row began again with a large button of the fox and L 
 pattern, followed on by a black horn one, then a gilt one, with 
 a ducal coronet and a B below ; then came another yellow 
 one, with another bunch of hieroglyphics ; and the bottom 
 one was a gilt one, with a fox's mask, and three letters. 
 
 The jean gaiters, which were uncommonly tight, as if to 
 show the spindleness of the wearer's shanks and the pro- 
 fuseness of his breeches, were decorated, if possible, with a 
 greater variety of buttons, there being, in addition to the 
 yellow and white ones, some of a mixed species, and some 
 few non- sporting ones, of coloured glass.
 
 254 HILLINGDOff HALL. 
 
 " Vy don't you get out o' the way with your nasty lousy 
 Scotch cattle ? " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, as he neared the 
 uncouth figure. 
 
 The eagle-plumed hero stood transfixed. 
 
 " Don't you hear vot I said, man ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks, 
 speaking louder, and standing on a green hillock, as if to 
 increase his importance by height. 
 
 " God smash, if it ar'nt the ard Squire ! " exclaimed the 
 figure ; " why, dinnut ye ken yean ? " added he, taking oft 
 his Scotch bonnet, and lowering the plaid from before a 
 very tobacco-stained mouth. 
 
 " Vy, it's James Pigg !" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, jumping 
 down and running towards him. "James, my good frind, 
 'ow d'ye do ? " 
 
 " Nicely, thank ye ; how's theesel ? " replied James, 
 pulling off a greasy old glove, and offering his hand, saying, 
 " Give us a wag o' thy neif." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks and he then shook hands. 
 
 " D n, but ar's glad to see thee," said James, as soon as 
 their hands were released. " Ah, God, what a belly thou's 
 getten," added he, eyeing his late master's corporation. 
 
 " And vot are you arter now, James ? " inquired Mr. 
 Jorrocks, without noticing the observation. 
 
 " Ah, ar's getten a livin' just how ar can whiles yean 
 thing, whiles another. Ar's travellin' beast enow. Ye 
 dinna want ne beast ar's warn'd, de ye ? " added he, 
 pointing to the drove. 
 
 " Vy, no, I thinks not, James," replied Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 "but vere do you come from now vere are you livin', 
 in fact?" 
 
 " Ah, ar's livin' aside canny Newcassel. You ken canny 
 Newcassel, where the coals come frae ? " 
 
 " Ah, the Vallsenders," replied Mr. Jorrocks ; " then 
 you've left your uncle, Deavilboger, 'ave you ? " added he, 
 remembering his late huntsman's former locality. 
 
 " Why, no, ar's not ; ar's drivin' for the ard Deavil 
 enow. He's mar coosin, not my uncle." 
 
 " Veil, but tell us all about it. Here, set down on this 
 bank," continued Mr. Jorrocks, pointing to a hillock under
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 255 
 
 the high hedge near where they stood. " Take off that 
 mmbustical thing," added he, touching Pigg's plaid, " and 
 let's sit on it." 
 
 " Ay, to be sure," said Pigg, unfolding it from his chest. 
 " It's rnar plaide : ar's getten mar frilled sark, everyday 
 breeks, and Sunday shun (shoes) in it," pointing to a bump 
 at the sewn-up end of the plaid, which he placed for himself 
 to sit down by. 
 
 " Yell, now," said Mr. Jorrocks, adjusting himself com- 
 fortably, " tell us all how and about it the cattle '11 pick 
 quietly along the green lane, and a rest '11 do you no 'arm 
 this 'ot day. Tell us now, vot 'ave you been a doin' since 
 we parted ? 'ow does the world use you ? Wot's there 
 a goin' on in Scotland ? How's Deavilboger ? 'Ave you 
 got a wife yet ? 'Ow are the markets with you ? " 
 
 " Ay, the Deavil's gay and well," interrupted Pigg, 
 knowing his late master's propensity for stringing on 
 questions ; " how's theesel ? ye did not chew neane, ar's 
 warn'd," added he, producing a japanned tobacco-box, and 
 offering Mr. Jorrocks a quid. 
 Mr. Jorrocks declined. 
 
 Having replenished his own mouth, James clasped his 
 hands upon his rugged oak staff, and sticking out his legs, 
 leant forward upon it. 
 
 " Yot a lot o' rum battons you've got on your breeches 
 
 and gaiters," observed Mr. Jorrocks, looking at Pigg's legs. 
 
 " Ay," replied Pigg, cocking up one of his spindle shanks, 
 
 " the breeks is a pair o' yeer ard 'uns ; they're what ye had 
 
 on the day t' ard huss coup'd ye into the bog." 
 
 " I minds it, James Pigg ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 brightening up at the recollection. " I minds it," re- 
 peated he, taking hold of the old shags " many a good 
 run I've seen in them breeches, many a one again in Surrey 
 and elsewhere dear old things," continued Mr. Jorrocks, 
 rubbing his hand down them as he would down a horse. 
 " You've done them justice in the batton line, I'm glad to 
 see," observed he. " Lots o' foxes ! lots o' fine things ! 
 Coronets, and I don't know wot ! " 
 
 " Ay, lots" replied Pigg, with an emphasis. " Sink it,
 
 256 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 ar's glad ar put them on to-day. They're mar lucky 
 breeks. Ah, they're a grand sight o' buttons ! Ah, they're 
 worth a vast o' money ! Ah, they're good for sore eyes ! 
 That yean," putting his thumb on the white button, and 
 polishing it up a little, " was Squire Lainbton's. Ah, a 
 grand man ! Sic a man for the hoont. Ah, as canny 
 Codlin used to say, ye may get prime beef, and prime 
 mutton, and prime ministers, but ye'll niver get sic a 
 prime sportsman as Ralph Lambton again. Ah, he was a 
 grand 'un," added Pigg, polishing it again. " The next 
 yean's Sir Matthew's, a fox and a B for Blagdon," continued 
 Pigg, putting his thumb on the yellow button ; " grand 
 man, Sir Matthew, grand kennel, grand stable." 
 
 " That's an N, James," observed Mr. Jorrocks, looking 
 attentively at the button. 
 
 " No, it's a B," replied Pigg, " at least it should be a B ; 
 or else it's an R for Ridley." 
 
 " This is Elcho's," continued he, proceeding with the 
 exhibition " a lord's hat, with a lot o' sarpents below." 
 
 " Them's letters," observed Mr. Jorrocks, trying to 
 decipher them. 
 
 " Elcho's a grand man," observed Pigg, without noticing 
 his late master's observation ; " ar's thinkin' of shiftin' him to 
 t'other leg," turning the left one partially round, " and then 
 ard Squire Lambton and he may glower at each other. 
 Take these black 'uns off," said Pigg, " and put an Elcho on 
 each side, perhaps. Ah, he's a grand man, Elcho ! Ah, 
 how he can ride ! Ah, how he can go ! Ah, what a pack 
 o' hunds he has ! Ah, how he does dust the foxes ! Ye 
 should see his ard dog Contest. Faith he's gotten wor ard 
 huss, Arterxerxes." 
 
 " Arterxerxes ! you don't say so, James," exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks. 
 
 " Ay, has he," replied Pigg, turning the quid in his 
 mouth ; " grand huss he is too not the best Elcho has 
 though, by mony." 
 
 " Veil, I'm glad to hear the old 'oss is in good 'ands," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks cheerfully ; " he carried me well 
 sometimes."
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 257 
 
 " He was ower mony for tliou" observed Pigg. " He was 
 aye tumblin' of ye down. Do you mind when we had to 
 saw ye out o' the thorn hedge ? " 
 
 " 'Deed do I ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, in ecstasies ; 
 " wot a run that was ! saw them pin the warmint in the 
 corner of the stubble-field by the stacks, as I was stuck up 
 aloft in the thorn. Those were fine times, James ! those 
 were fine times ! " 
 
 " Ay were they!" replied Pigg, wiping his tobacco- 
 stained mouth across the back of his hand. " Sink it, what 
 brandy we used to drink ! Have never had a real good 
 drench since, but yance at Squire Russell's. Sink," added 
 he, giving his knee-cap a hearty slap, " if the butler didn't 
 give me as much brandy as ever I could haud (hold). Grand 
 man, Squire Russell ! That's his button," added Pigg, 
 pointing to a gilt one, with twisted letters. " Aril have 
 him put higher up when ar shifts Elcho," added Pigg, 
 eyeing its present position. " Thir, on the gaiters, are 
 mostly dead 'uns," observed Pigg, glancing down his legs. 
 " The twe top 'uns are Handley Cross, wor ard buttons. 
 This yean, with the raised sarpents," taking hold of a yellow 
 button Avith raised letters at the top of the right leg, " was 
 Lord Londondarry's. He got the Sedgefield country when 
 Squire Lambton gave it up. Ard Price gave me the button. 
 That plain yean was Squire Williamson's. Ah, he was a 
 grand man for the hoont. The next was the ard Duke o' 
 Cleveland's. Got a duke's hat, you see," added he, turning 
 the button for Mr. Jorrocks's inspection. " Raby hoont, as 
 it was called," added Pigg, letting it go again. " Ar's 
 getten another duke's button somewhere," continued the 
 showman, looking at his legs. " Buccleuch's ; ay, here 
 it's," said he, " among the wlrick uns," pointing to one at 
 his breeches knees. " Duke's hat, you see," said he, " and 
 B, for Buccleuch grand man, Buccleuch ; Mr. William- 
 son, the huntsman, gav me the button grand man, Mr. 
 Williamson ! " 
 
 " Ay, ay, you're all grand men you Scotchmen, aocordin' 
 to your own accounts," interrupted Mr. Jorrocks ; " it's the 
 old story of ' claw me, and I'll claw ye.' " 
 
 B
 
 258 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 *"' Sink, ar's ne Scotchman," replied Pigg, indignant at 
 the observation. " It's all gospel what I've telled ye." 
 
 "Vy, if you're not a Scot, you're next door to one," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks; "jest as much a Scot as a Borough 
 man's a Londoner." 
 
 " Why, ye ard gouk," exclaimed Pigg, " doesn't ar tell 
 ye ar lives aside canny Newcastle ; how the deavil then can 
 ar be a Scot?" 
 
 " Vy, I don't know," replied Mr. Jorrocks soothingly, 
 "you certainly speak rayther Scotchy." 
 
 " Hoot, that's all fancy," replied Pigg; "it's just because 
 ar's getten a plaid 'e" added he, taking hold of the thing on 
 which they were sitting. 
 
 " Veil," observed Mr. Jorrocks smilingly, " it may be it 
 may be, my good frind let us talk about Deavilboger and 
 his farm." 
 
 " Sink the farm ! " exclaimed Pigg, " ar niver talks about 
 farmin' when ar can talk about huntin' yean wad ha 
 thought now you'd have liked to have heard tell all about 
 mar grand buttons," said Pigg, looking lovingly down 
 his legs. 
 
 "Dash your buttons," grunted Mr. Jorrocks aloud; "tell 
 me what do you do when you're not cattle-drivin' ? " 
 
 " Why, I works for mar cousin, Deavilboger," growled 
 Pigg ; " ploughs, dikes, sows, reaps aught in fact." 
 
 " Tell me, now," asked Mr. Jorrocks, " has Deavilboger 
 a ball?" 
 
 " Bull ! ay ! " exclaimed Pigg, " grand bull, best i' the 
 country, took two prizes gold shoe-horn silver wine- 
 funnel." 
 
 " And you're not reg'larly hired to Deavilboger, I s'pose ? " 
 inquired Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Not by the year," replied Pigg ; " I warks piece-wark." 
 
 " Vot's that ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Why, se much for dein' se much ten shillin's for turnin' 
 a middin five shillin's for cleanin' a fard, and se on." 
 
 " Humph," grunted Mr. Jorrocks, not catching all the 
 last sentence. " I s'pose," observed he, " that reg'lar wages 
 are better than piece-work"
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 2 59 
 
 " Ne doot," replied Pigg, " ne doot ; but yean cannot 
 always get them, ye ken." 
 
 " Humph," grunted Mr. Jorrocks, considering how he 
 should sound him. " I s'pose you'd like to get a good 
 place ? " 
 
 " Ne doot," replied Pigg, " ne doot, where there are 
 some hunds." 
 
 " You wouldn't like a farm -servant's place, I s'pose ? " 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " A faith, ar's not sarcy ! ar'd turn my hand to aught." 
 
 " Or go anywhere ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Ah, aril places is alike to me," replied Pigg. " Ar's 
 getten a bit shop enow that mar missus keeps, but ar could 
 soon shut that up." 
 
 " Vot, you've got a missus, 'ave you ? " observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks. 
 
 " Housekeeper, that's to say," replied Pigg, " housekeeper 
 ar niver marries them" added he, with a shake of the 
 head. 
 
 " And vot do you sell ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Why, tape, pins, thread, buttons, galluses, ony thing 
 ye diclna want ne galluses, ar's warn'd, de ye ? " 
 
 " No vot ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Galluses" repeated Pigg " things to had your breeks 
 up by," explained he. 
 
 " No, but I thinks you do," replied Mr. Jorrocks, looking 
 at the great interregnum between Pigg's red waistcoat and 
 shags. 
 
 " Ah, sink, ar never wears neane," replied Pigg, turning 
 his quid ; " but I mun be gannin," added he, with a start, 
 " it's foour o'clock, I see ! " 
 
 " How do you see that ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " By the shearers yonder," replied Pigg, his keen eye 
 glancing to a distant hill where the workpeople had just 
 left off. " Well, ar's main glad to see thou," said he, rising 
 himself from the bank with his staff " deed is ar," con- 
 tinued he, standing and looking at his late master, adding 
 " ye dinna drink ne brandy now, ar's warn'd." 
 
 " I'll give you summut to get a glass with," observed Mr.
 
 2 So HILLIXGDO^ HALL. 
 
 Jorrocks, with a smile, diving his hand into his breeches 
 pocket, and producing a great five-shilling piece. " There," 
 said he, " there's a dollar for you, and when you've delivered 
 your cattle, if you come back this way I'll give you another, 
 and meanwhile I'll try to get you a place." 
 
 " Ah, you're a grand man," replied Pigg, taking the five- 
 shilling piece, with a duck of the head. " Ah, you are a 
 grand man," repeated he, as he eyed it. " Ye dinna want 
 ne sarvant yoursel, ar's warn'd ? " 
 
 " I lives about a mile and an 'alf from here," observed 
 Mr. Jorrocks, pointing in the direction of the village of 
 Hillingdon. " You ask for Squire Jorrocks ; anybody can 
 tell ye where I lives." 
 
 " Ne doot," replied Pigg, " ne doot ; ar's warned ye, ar'll 
 find ye out," added he, hitching up his breeches, and adjust- 
 ing the plaid as it was when we found him. Having taken 
 leave of his former master, he then proceeded, hup howing, 
 on his way. 
 
 " Rum betch, that fellow ! " said Mr. Jorrocks aloud to 
 himself, as Pigg left him ; " shouldn't wonder if he might 
 suit me."
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 ' That well-known name awakens all my woes." 
 
 ANOTHER letter with the Marquis's coronet again 
 threw the village of Hillingdon into commotion. 
 His lordship wanted another turn with his agri- 
 cultural friend, or rather a little flirtation under 
 pretence of a visit to him. Thus he wrote : 
 
 "DONKEYTON CASTLE. 
 
 "DEAR MR. JORROCKS, I was glad to hear your bull 
 arrived safe, and- sorry to hear that your coachman was 
 taken ill at our house the other day I hope, however, he is 
 better, and that there is nothing to prevent your receiving 
 me at Hillingdon Hall on Thursday next, when I purpose 
 driving over, and staying all night. Pray write me a line, 
 saying if it will be convenient, and with best regards to the 
 ladies, believe me, dear Mr. Jorrocks, yours very truly, 
 
 " BRAY." 
 
 The following is Mr. Jorrocks's answer : 
 
 u HILLINGDON HALL ) 
 TO WIT. ] 
 
 " MY DEAR LORD MARQUIS, Yours, of no date, is received, 
 and note the contents. We shall be most proud to receive 
 you on Thursday dinner at five, and no waitin'. My bull 
 arrived safe; thanks to your lordship for lending of me 
 your wan. It would have taken his lordship a precious long 
 time to waddle here. I don't think he can go much above 
 a mile an hour. But he's a noble quadruped ! Uncommon ! 
 The admiration of the country. All the ladies come to
 
 262 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 look at him. Dare say he's cost me a dozen of wine already 
 sponge biscuits in proportion. Wot you calls my coach- 
 man,' is my bouy Binjimin, I s'pose ; some o' your long, 
 lazy Johnnies made him drunk. Scandalous work ! How- 
 somever, I licked him uncommon; and if your chaps had 
 their licks too, it wouldn't do them no harm. Intoxication 
 is a beastly wice. Bad in a man, but shockin' in a bouy. 
 I wonders you great men don't keep a private treadmill for 
 your Johnnies. Howsomever that's enough ! so 'oping to 
 see you, I remain, my dear Lord, yours to serve, 
 
 " JOHN JORHOCKS, J.P. 
 
 "August 2<)th, 184-. 
 "To THE MOST NOBLE THE MARQUIS OF BRAY." 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks had a most solemn argument as 
 to who they should have to meet the Marquis. Mr. Jorrocks 
 rather inclined to Mrs. Flather, while Mrs. Jorrocks insisted 
 upon inviting Mr. and Mrs. Trotter and Eliza. In fact, 
 she had done it before she argued the point ;' and finding 
 that to be the case, Mr. Jorrocks invited the Flathers also, 
 so that between them they made what Mr. Jorrocks called 
 " a pretty kettle of fish." 
 
 The day but one before that fixed for the Marquis's visit, 
 Mr. Jorrocks, while taking his daily stroll, ascended the hill 
 leading up to Mr. Heavytail's pet farm. Mr. Heavytail was 
 exceedingly busy, preparing for his harvest home. The 
 shearers were at work on the north side of the hill, and the 
 golden grain stood in well-filled stocks in most of the fields 
 around. It had been a capital harvest. The weather had 
 been all that could be wished, and Mr. Heavytail was going 
 to evince his gratitude by giving his servants and labourers 
 a plentiful repast at the close. The large barn was swept 
 out, rustic chandeliers hung from the rafters, and block- 
 tin candle-holders were stuck promiscuously into the walls. 
 Mrs. Heavytail was equally busy. She was making moun- 
 tainous plum-puddings, and skewering corresponding rounds 
 of beef cheese, too, appeared likely to be abundant. 
 
 " Veil, Mr. 'Eavytail," said Mr. Jorrocks, poking his way 
 into the barn, with his hands behind his back, in his usual
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 263 
 
 vacant sort of way, " vot are you arter now ? goin' to give 
 a lector, are you ? " added he, looking at the illuminatory 
 preparations. 
 
 " GOOD MORNIN', SIR," roared Mark, as if Jorrocks 
 was half a mile off; " GETTING READY FOR OUR HARVEST 
 HOME, YOU SEE," continued he, pointing to the candles and 
 some old banners, with the usual agricultural mottoes, 
 " Live, and let live," " Speed the plough," and so on, upon 
 them. 
 
 " So," said Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing the proceedings, " goin' 
 to 'ave a little procession, are ye ? speech frinds and fellow- 
 farmers ! " continued he, extending his right arm. 
 
 "!T'S FOR OUR SUPPER NIGHT, SIR," roared Heavytail 
 
 " FINISH OUR HARVEST OX THURSDAY GIVE THE MEN A SUPPER, 
 
 WIVES A TEA, THEN COME IN HERE AND DANCE ALL DRESSED 
 
 UP, MEN AS WOMEN, WOMEN AS MEN, AND SO ON." 
 
 " Vot fun ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, shuffling with his 
 feet, as if he would set to. 
 
 " FIDDLERS TO PLAY ! " continued Mark, pointing to a 
 chair, "STRONG ALE FOR THE MEN, TEA FOR THE LADIES 
 AGAIN." 
 
 " Tea for the ladies again ! " observed Mr. Jorrocks ; " I'd 
 give them a little strong ale too, I thinks ! And is this 
 annual ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks, " once a year, in fact ? " 
 seeing Mark didn't take the first question. 
 
 " OH YES," replied Mark, " EVERY YEAR GRAND FUN." 
 
 " So I should think," observed Mr. Jorrocks aloud to 
 himself; " vish I was a real farmer," added he, " instead of 
 one of these harm-chair 'umbugs ^/ieelosiphers what they 
 call." 
 
 But to return to the ladies. 
 
 When Mrs. Flather and Mrs. Trotter found they were 
 both invited (which they speedily learned from the servants, 
 from that rural parliament, " the well "), each made up her 
 mind not to go, and nothing but the dread of the other 
 stealing a march prevented their sending excuses. It was 
 quite clear how it was Mr. Jorrocks wanted to keep in 
 with both ; at all events he wouldn't give either of them a 
 lift. The result was, that each mother strove her utmost
 
 264 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 to set her daughter off to advantage. Mrs. Flather adhered 
 to the blue silk that did so much execution at Donkeyton 
 Castle, while Mrs. Trotter arrayed the beautiful brunette in 
 a new pale pink silk, with an old rich point-lace berthe, 
 that varying fashion had twice seen in favour. She had 
 also got her a new bustle of very liberal dimensions. 
 
 The Marquis arrived in his broughan, as before, in ample 
 time to allow his French valet to make an uncommon swell 
 of him. His fair hair hung over his ears in longer ringlets 
 than usual, and his shirt frill and front were perfect curio- 
 sities in the way of lace and needle-work. A very stiff 
 starcher rose above the low velvet collar of his light blue 
 coat, the neckcloth matching in whiteness the purity of his 
 waistcoat, while his nankeen trousers were slightly shaped 
 over the instep, to display the exquisite texture of his 
 stockings, and his small buckles and French-polished pumps. 
 Rings, brooches, buttons, chains, c., were in their usual 
 profusion. 
 
 Scarcely had the Marquis flourished round the drawing- 
 room, and lisped out the usual nothings about the company 
 worsted work, the view, and the weather, ere Benjamin 
 announced Mrs. and Miss Flather, who greeted the visitor 
 in a motherly and half-bashful lover-like sort of way. 
 Before he had got in full swing with the fair Emma, the 
 door opened again, and lo ! the goodly proportions of Mrs. 
 Trotter filled the portal, followed by her diminutive husband 
 and her eye-dazzling daughter. 
 
 The Marquis was thunderstruck. He never thought his 
 agricultural friend would be such a fool as invite them 
 together, especially after the hint Mr. Jorrocks had volun- 
 teered on his way to Mr. Jobson's. The consequence was 
 the Marquis was tongue-tied, and instead of indulging in 
 all manner of high-flown sentiment in a lover-like under- 
 tone, he was obliged to speak up, while the mothers sat 
 watching each move like the lookers-on at a chess table. 
 
 A most tedious dinner was the result. Nor did the 
 Marquis's misery end with the retirement of the ladies, for 
 little Trotter stayed, and the conversation turned upon 
 turnips. At length the trio returned to the drawing-room,
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 265 
 
 and after a yawning, uneasy hour, Mrs. Flather said some- 
 thing about avoiding the evening dew, and having forced 
 Mrs. Trotter into an assent, cloaks, shawls, and bonnets 
 were sought out, and the meeting dispersed. 
 
 " It's a werry fine evenin'," observed Mr. Jorrocks to the 
 Marquis, as he returned from setting them to the door 
 " werry fine evenin' indeed," added he, looking at his great 
 noisy watch, and finding that it still wanted a quarter to 
 nine. " Wot shall we do with ourselves ? " 
 
 "We might have set the ladies home if we'd thought 
 of it," observed the Marquis, who had thought of it very 
 intently, but did not know how to manage it. 
 
 "We might so," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with a vacant 
 yawn. 
 
 " I've 'alf a mind," said he, after a pause, " to stroll up 
 to Mr. 'Eavytail's pet farm, and see what they're a doin' in 
 the dancin' line. It's only right for us jestices to patronise 
 the amusements of the lower borders," continued he, anxious 
 for an excuse to do what he wanted. 
 
 " Oh, is it his harvest home ? " asked the Marquis. 
 
 " Yes," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " it's a sort of a masquerade 
 thing, as I understands it. Dress up, King o' Bohemia 
 Timour the Tartar William the Conqueror Doctor Pan- 
 gloss then 'ands across and back again, down the middle 
 and hup again." Mr. Jorrocks suiting the action to the 
 word, and throwing himself about in attitudes. 
 
 "We might have some fun, I think," observed the 
 Marquis, anxious for anything rather than bed ; " only it 
 wouldn't do to go as we are." 
 
 "Oh no," replied Mr. Jorrocks "dress up certainly. 
 I've got a werry fine Scotch dress kilts, filly-bag (philibeg), 
 and all, wot I used to cut about in London in, that I could 
 sport, only I don't know wot to put you in. My tops 
 would be too big for you," added he, glancing at his own 
 legs and at the Marquis's, " or I could rig you out as an 
 'untsman." 
 
 " Oh, both my legs would go into one of your boots,"
 
 266 HILLINGDOff HALL. 
 
 observed the Marquis : " besides, I should be lost in the 
 coat." 
 
 " It would be rayther like a dressin'-gown, p'raps," 
 replied Mr. Jorrocks ; " it's roomy for me even," added he 
 feeling his great fat sides. 
 
 " I'll tell you wot we could do though," exclaimed he, 
 after a few minutes' consideration. " We might dress you 
 hup as a gal, and deuce a soul will ever know you. We've 
 got some o' my niece Belinda's things, wot she left when 
 she got married, that'll jest about fit you," continued Mr. 
 Jorrocks, eyeing the Marquis's dimensions. " Werry pretty 
 gal you'll make too," added the Cockney Squire. 
 
 The Marquis rather hesitated. He would have preferred 
 being a hussar, or a light dragoon, or something in the 
 military line ; but fancy dresses not being procurable at a 
 moment's notice in the country, he at length consented, and 
 with the aid of Mrs. Jorrocks, accomplished a very becoming 
 attire. White silk bonnet with a blue feather, blue and 
 white striped dress, with his own Wellington boots. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks was rotundity itself. The thick, well- 
 puckered plaid stood from his plump person, while his 
 corpulent calves loomed magnificent above his striped hose. 
 
 " There's an 'Ighlander for you ! " exclaimed he, bounding 
 into the apartment where Mrs. Jorrocks was dressing the 
 Marquis, balancing himself on one leg like an opera-dancer, 
 extending his arms with a lighted candle in the right hand 
 
 " 'Ighlands gay, foots away, 
 'Appy on the weddin' day," 
 
 continued he, whizzing himself round, teetotum-like, which 
 had the effect of inflating his kilts and blowing out his 
 candle. 
 
 " I wonders now," continued he, " if there really are people 
 wot dress in this style," looking at his bare legs, " or if it's 
 jest one o' Walter Scott's wagaries. My vig, but you makes 
 an uncommon pretty gal," added he, getting in front of the 
 Marquis, and eyeing his bright ringlets and fair complexion,
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 267 
 
 " werry pretty gal indeed. Mr. 'Eavytail 'ill wonder who 
 the deuce it is real lady ! swan's-down muff and tippet, 
 and a feather in her 'at, I do declare," continued he, eyeing 
 the whole attire. 
 
 " Well now," continued he, adjusting his peacock-feathered 
 cap before the mirror, " we'll jest steal quietly out at the 
 back door, and you, Mrs. J., must see that it's left open when 
 Batsay goes to bed, and I'll jest put the spirit-stand key 
 in my filly-bag, and you must put glasses and vater in the 
 closet for us again' we come 'ome, for we shall most likely be 
 drinkey for dry ; so now let's mizzle, or we shall be losin' 
 'alf the fun." 
 
 Our friends then set off. The night air had assumed an 
 autumnal coolness, and our Cockney Highlander felt the 
 want of his stockings before he had got across the second 
 field, on his way by the back of the village. The young 
 moon shone brightly in the sky, occasionally obscured by a 
 passing cloud. Mr. Jorrocks strode hastily on, followed 
 by the Marquis, laughing ever and anon at the grotesque 
 shadow his fat friend cast on the fields. 
 
 Thus they proceeded for a mile or so, the Marquis still 
 keeping in the rear. 
 
 Presently lights appeared on the hill-top, and the sound 
 of revelry fell on the country round. 
 
 "That's the place," observed Mr. Jorrocks to his friend, 
 as they halted at a stone stile and looked towards the lights. 
 " You're not tired, are you ? " 
 
 " Oh no," replied the Marquis. " My petticoats are rather 
 inconvenient, and catch the briars as I pass along, otherwise 
 I could manage well enough." 
 
 " '01dJ;hem up," replied Mr. Jorrocks. " My kilts are werry 
 cool, I know, and expose my legs desperate to the gnats." 
 
 Presently the lights became more apparent, and seemed 
 to move about in greater numbers ; and as they reached 
 the foot of the hill, music and the clattering of the dancers 
 sounded more distinctly. 
 
 " The game's begun," observed Mr. Jorrocks, pretending 
 to listen, but in reality drawing breath before commencing 
 the steep ascent.
 
 268 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " We'll soon be there now," continued he, making a fresh 
 start. 
 
 They then commenced the climb. 
 
 As they neared the summit of the hill, the noise of voices, 
 the clapping of hands, the stamping of heels, the twang 
 of the music, with here and there a rustic couple loitering 
 about making love, announced a numerous gathering. 
 
 "There's a precious sight o' company," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, turning round to the Marquis, when a man with 
 his face blacked, and a pair of horns on his head, trod on 
 Mr. Jorrocks's foot. 
 
 " Oh, you great clown ! " roared Mr. Jorrocks ; " you've 
 trod on my toe my corney toe ! " added he, catching his 
 foot up in his hand. 
 
 " Why don't you look where you're going, you great 
 woolpack ? " replied the man, pushing past. 
 
 " Voolpack ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks, letting down his leg, 
 adding, in a lower tone " I'll lick you within a barleycorn 
 o' your life. Stop a bit 'ere," said he to the Marquis, " till 
 I gets niy mask on, or they'll be twiggin' on me." 
 
 Having got this adjusted, the Cockney Sawney took the 
 arm of his fair friend, and, drawing a faded green-baize 
 curtain aside, they passed at once from the open air into 
 the barn ball-room. 
 
 The game was in full play. Amid clouds of smoke the 
 dim, tallow candles shed an indistinct light upon a most 
 miscellaneous collection of maskers and mummers. Here 
 might be seen a man with an ass's head, coquetting with 
 the tapster for another jug of barleycorn ; there a sailor 
 footing it with a ram, or a haymaker with a billy-goat, many 
 of the characters being from animal and agricultural life. 
 
 Our friends were some time after entering before they 
 could discriminate objects. 
 
 Not so with those already in, for the appearance of our 
 Squire and his fair friend caused an instantaneous outburst 
 of exclamations, some not very complimentary to Mr. Jor- 
 rocks's proportions and his country, others in approbation of
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 269 
 
 the fair companion of his travels. " Here's a Scot ! " ex- 
 claimed one, pushing Mr. Jorrocks forward to show him- 
 self. " A real fat 5 un," added a butcher, poking him in the 
 ribs. " A bare-legged 'un, too ! " exclaimed a horse-jobber, 
 feeling Mr. Jorrocks down like a purchaser. " Take care, 
 he'll maybe give you the itch ! " observed a fourth, dressed 
 as a sailor. " I once got it from a chap at Arbroath very 
 like him." " Hang him, he's no Scot ! " observed another, 
 dressed as a woman; " are you, old joggle-belly?" continued 
 he, giving Mr. Jorrocks a crack across the stomach. " Is 
 he your dad, my bonny lass ? " asked another half -drunken 
 clown, taking a pipe from his mouth, and giving the Mar- 
 quis a chuck under the chin, and a face full of smoke at the 
 same time. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks was rather abashed by their rudeness at 
 first, but having often taken his own part among the frolic- 
 some maskers in the days of the immortal Charley Wright, 
 of gooseberry champagne celebrity, and in later times at the 
 " Crown and Anchor," and Lowther Eooms, he soon began 
 to pick up and move freely about the barn. Not so the 
 Marquis, who was sadly disconcerted at the rude liberties 
 of the clowns, who pinched him and pulled him about, and 
 made all sorts of observations upon his figure and appear- 
 ance. At last, having got separated from his bulky pro- 
 tector, he could no longer put up with the tender advances 
 of a liquorish young husbandman, who, with his arm round 
 his waist, insisted upon kissing him, so getting to the door, 
 he made his escape, and ran away as hard as ever his petti- 
 coats would let him lay legs to the ground. Meanwhile 
 our gay-hearted Squire rolled joyfully about, thrusting his 
 uncouth mask under the bonnet of every pretty girl, and 
 replying in most Cockneyfied Scotch to the numerous 
 inquiries that were hazarded as to his country and kindred 
 " Oh, he was from Inverness ! Would they gan to 
 Inverness? &c. He could eat nothin' but oatmeal! he 
 could drink nothin' but whisky ! He was all for the 
 mountain hair ! " The fiddlers, as if in compliment to his 
 country, presently struck up a reel, but Mr. Jorrocks did 
 not regard the invitation, until a very gaunt -looking figure.
 
 2 7 o EILLLXGDON HALL. 
 
 in a very old white mask, with large red spots on the 
 cheek-bones, dressed in a soldier's coat, with nankeen shorts 
 and gaiters, and a regular bulge of shirt round his waist, 
 appeared with a buxom wench on the floor, and with a 
 youth dressed as a barn-door cock, commenced a three reel. 
 The woman was masked, but her figure was tall and plump, 
 and finely formed. She tripped lightly through the figure, 
 and set to the soldier, whose toe and heel work and lanky 
 lugubrious appearance contrasted with the nimble jollity or 
 his partner. Still the soldier seemed to have some notion 
 of the dance, for he snapped his fingers and stamped with 
 his heel, and screamed eu heu ! at every period for changing 
 the figure. Chanticleer, however, made very poor work or 
 it, and seeing the Scotchman standing by, he said, " Here, 
 you dance it," and giving Mr. Jorrocks a shove forward, 
 left him to fill up his place in the reel. 
 
 Our lumpy Squire then commenced frolicking with a 
 very clumsy cow-like sort of action, imitating, however, to 
 the best of his ability, the stamps and yells of the soldier. 
 The fair masker seemed to prefer the fat Scotchman, and 
 turned and set to him much oftener and with more grace 
 than the equity of the dance required. In vain the soldier 
 cut and shuffled, and snapped his fingers, and cried eu heu ! 
 Mr. Jorrocks bumped and jumped, and cried eu heu ! also. 
 
 At last the soldier began to get angry. " D n it," said 
 he, "if that great muckle Scotch thief isn't a takin' mar 
 pairtner from me. Sink him, ar'll fell him," continued he, 
 cutting and shuffling, in hopes that he might reclaim her 
 by superior activity. 
 
 Still she set to the Scotchman. 
 
 " Ye stand up here," said he to a youth dressed as a duck, 
 " and tak mar place whilst ar gan and get a neif full o' 
 nettles for yon lubber. Sink, ar'll gar him loup ! " added 
 he, eyeing one of Mr. Jorrocks's awkward bounds. 
 
 The dance gained converts, and ere the soldier returned 
 several more reels were formed. Still the Highlander 
 frolicked with the fine-figured masker, and the admiring
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 271 
 
 crowd pressed round to look at them. The duck, too, 
 danced much better than the cock. The soldier having pro- 
 vided himself with a handful of nettles, took a position 
 behind Willey Goodheart and a group of unmasked country- 
 men, and, as Mr. Jorrocks came rolling round, he very 
 quietly drew the nettles across the inside of his knees. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks bounded across the floor. 
 
 The soldier then changed his position, and wiped him 
 across the front of his legs ; but an extra bound was all 
 the acknowledgment Mr. Jorrocks made. 
 
 " Sink, ar'll stuff them up bodily," observed the soldier, 
 shortening the stalk of the nettles, and changing his position 
 again. 
 
 Presently Mr. Jorrocks was frolicking before him, and up 
 went the nettles. 
 
 " BE'AVE ! " roared Mr. Jorrocks, with a tremendous bound ; 
 an exclamation that caused the soldier to start, and the fair 
 masker to fly.
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 " O may the silver lamp from heaven's high bower 
 Direct my footsteps in the midnight hour ! " GAY. 
 
 | HE Marquis of Bray went like a lamplighter 
 down the pet farm hill, after escaping from 
 Mr. Heavy tail's harvest home ball, inwardly 
 resolving never to assume female attire, or 
 expose himself to such undignified rudeness again. It was 
 his first appearance in any other character than that of a 
 lord, and as he went he thought there was none so con- 
 venient. The night had changed for the worse, and the 
 flitting clouds that had occasionally obscured the young 
 moon's brightness had become heavy rolling masses. On 
 the Marquis went, stumbling, tripping, and tearing his 
 petticoats, following the first path he struck into, without 
 considering whether it was the one he came by or not. 
 
 At length a narrow plank of a foot-bridge across a rushing 
 rivulet startled him into the conviction that he was not 
 returning by the way he came. When a man once loses 
 himself, no matter how well he knows the country, it is 
 wonderful how soon he gets confused. Everything looks 
 different. The Marquis was bewildered. He had lost all 
 idea where he was, if indeed he ever had any, for not being 
 used to take lines of his own, he had most likely relied on 
 Mr. Jorrocks bringing him safe home again. Still over the 
 plank, and on he went, in the delusive hope of being right, 
 until a dark wood stood full before him. The moon at 
 that moment gleamed bright upon it, and a driving gust 
 whistled through the leaves. The wood was a poser. The 
 Marquis was sure he was wrong. The awkwardness of his
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 273 
 
 situation now flashed upon him. Dressed as a girl, and lost 
 in a strange country. The night was getting darker the 
 wind whisked his petticoats about, and the scared screech- 
 owl fluttered about, hooping clear shrill full hoops upon the 
 surrounding country. 
 
 " The weak-eyed bat, 
 With short shrill shrieks, flitted on leathern wing." 
 
 " I must try to find my way back," observed the Marquis 
 to himself, " or I shall be getting benighted ; " adding, as 
 he turned and tripped over a boundary stone, "confounded 
 mess this is, to be sure ; I wish I hadn't been so foolish as 
 to accompany Mr. Jorrocks. Oh dear ! I do believe there's 
 a toad ! " added he, jumping off the foot-path, as a sudden 
 gleam of moonshine flashed upon a slimy-looking gentleman, 
 jumping leisurely before him. " Two ! three ! four ! " added 
 he, as they successively hopped in view. " Oh dear, the 
 place is alive with them horrible beasts ! " 
 
 The foot-way now became more indistinct, and on arriving 
 at the next field, from which the corn had been led, the 
 Marquis stood doubting whether to take the track to the 
 right or to the left. Which he had come by he had no 
 idea, nor was that material, as he did not wish to get back 
 to Mr. Heavytail's, if he could find his way to Hillingdon 
 without. At length he took the track to the left. He had 
 not proceeded many paces before, with a sniff, grunt, and 
 snort, up jumped a sow with a litter of pigs, giving him 
 such a start as to drive the idea of following the path out of 
 his mind. On he went, lost in meditation and fear, walking, 
 as it were, involuntarily, for he could not but feel that he 
 was just as likely to be going wrong as right, while the fear 
 of meeting any one in his present disguise almost overcame 
 the desire to do so, for the purpose of getting put right. 
 
 Another loud sniff, grunt, and snort, again disturbed his 
 reflections, causing him to start and think there must be 
 a sow with a litter of pigs at each corner of the field, until, 
 getting to the stile by which he had entered, he found he 
 
 s
 
 274 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 had made a circuit of the enclosure. That was a clencher, 
 and stuffing his hands into his muff, he leant against the 
 rough railing next the stile, in a state of despondency. He 
 had never known difficulty before. His had been a bed of 
 roses, instead of which he seemed in a fair way of getting 
 into one of nettles. The night was bitter cold the wind 
 howled, and a drizzling rain began to threaten saturation 
 to his flimsy garments. " Well, it's no use stopping here," 
 said he to himself, as he eyed the fleeting clouds driving 
 before the dull moon ; " I must walk, if it's only to keep 
 myself warm." So saying, muff in hand, he proceeded at 
 a half- walk, half-run, along the path he had before rejected. 
 
 " I've a great mind to holla," said he to himself, stopping 
 and resting against a stile, after crossing three or four more 
 fields, at the same time undoing the belt of his gown to get 
 at his diminutive gold watch, which he long held up, in hopes 
 of a moon's ray enabling him to see what o'clock it was. 
 He could make nothing of it. A gold face was all that 
 was visible ; the tiny ticking all he could hear. " Oh dear, 
 Mr. Jorrocks is a stupid old man," said he, returning it 
 to his waistcoat pocket ; " I really think my pa was right 
 about his being a vulgar old fellow. Who but a clown 
 could find pleasure in such revelry as that ? Well, I wish 
 I was home again I wouldn't be caught at another, I 
 know." So saying, the Marquis again set off at a sort of 
 amble, brushing his silk gown against the protruding thorn- 
 hedge as he went. 
 
 A hare's meanders are not more curious than the Marquis's 
 wanderings on this unlucky night. The ground he covered 
 and the little progress he made were truly ridiculous. At 
 the end of two hours he was not more than two miles from 
 where he started, though he was fully of opinion, that he had 
 walked ten. The time, too, seemed equally long, and by 
 eleven o'clock he began to expect daybreak. Though not 
 boisterous, the wind was noisy, and blowing the contrary 
 way to the pet farm ; no sounds of mirth or music reached 
 the low country about which the Marquis wandered ; while
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 275 
 
 the festivities, being confined to the back of the house, 
 and the window shutters being closed in front, no indica- 
 tions appeared from that side. Cold and fatigue had so 
 tamed his lordship that he would have made for them if 
 there had, even at the risk of a second hugging from the 
 clown. 
 
 If the Marquis lived to a thousand years, he would never 
 forget the horrors of that night. It would have been bad 
 enough to have been lost in his own clothes ; but to be 
 lost without daring to holla, because he was dressed as a 
 woman, was something vexatiously ludicrous. What would 
 his ma say, if she could see him ? Jorrocks ! Jorrocks ! 
 you had a deal to answer for, old cock. 
 
 Still the Marquis moved about till cold and fatigue almost 
 overcame him. The heir of Donkeyton Castle would have 
 been thankful for the shelter of the meanest cottage on 
 the estate. At last, when almost sinking under his dif- 
 ficulties, a sudden gleam of moonshine disclosed a stack 
 of chimneys, between clumps of tall trees. The Marquis 
 darted towards them. Another gleam showed some common 
 railing round the trees, and just at the same moment a 
 melancholy-looking candle flickered past a lattice window 
 high in the roof. A few seconds, and he was over the 
 rails. 
 
 " Holloa ! " exclaimed he, as loud as he could shout, 
 immediately below where he saw the light, when out rushed 
 a dog with such force as to throw himself over with the check 
 of his chain, as he darted to within a few feet of where the 
 Marquis stood. 
 
 " Get away, you beast ! " exclaimed he, bounding away 
 with such a spring as made him assume a similar position 
 on the ground. 
 
 The rattle of the chain grating at full tension against the 
 wooden dog-box sounded like music to the Marquis, as he 
 gathered himself up from his dirty fall, and prepared for a 
 fresh attempt below the window. 
 
 " Holloa I " repeated he, amid the whistling of the wind, 
 the bow-wow-wow-wowing of the dog, and the rattling of the 
 chain.
 
 276 HILLIXGDOX ITALL. 
 
 " Wlio's there ? " at length exclaimed a voice from below 
 a white cotton nightcap, out of the little window. 
 
 " Me ! me ! " exclaimed the Marquis, delighted at the 
 sound. 
 
 " Me, me," mimicked the voice ; " who's me, I wonder ? " 
 
 A fitful gleam passed over where the Marquis stood, 
 displaying his dress, and the draggled state of his clothes. 
 
 " Stand back ! " holloaed the voice from above, " or I'll 
 shoot you." 
 
 " For God's sake don't ! " exclaimed the Marquis, holding 
 up his muff like a shield, amid the increased baying of 
 the dog. 
 
 " Then make yourself scarce, and don't be after disturbing 
 a respectable family at this time of night." 
 
 " Don't be silly ! " exclaimed the Marquis, " I don't want 
 to hurt anybody ; I want shelter," added he, advancing a 
 few paces. 
 
 " Stand lack ! " repeated the voice, " or I'll shoot ! " the 
 speaker at the same time popping a mop-handle out of the 
 window. 
 
 "Hold!" screamed the Marquis, couching to avoid the 
 discharge, " I'm not a robber." 
 
 " I know what you are well enough," replied he of the 
 cotton nightcap, " but we don't want such cattle as you 
 here." 
 
 " What's the matter ? Who's there ? Thieves ! murder ! 
 fire ! help ! " exclaimed a voice from below a frilled night- 
 cap, out of a larger window a little lower down. 
 
 " It's nobody that will hurt you," exclaimed the Marquis, 
 waving his muff in a supplicating way towards the house. 
 " Only hear me ! " 
 
 " But who are you ? " inquired the frilled night-capped 
 voice. " What do you mean by disturbing the house at 
 this time of night ? " 
 
 " I've lost my way," exclaimed the Marquis, " and am 
 perishing with cold. Do let me in, and I'll tell you all 
 about it," added he, pulling up his wet petticoats. 
 
 " / dare say ! " replied voice number two. " We don't 
 harbour such people as you here, this is not a lodging-house.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 277 
 
 If you don't go quietly away I'll rouse the house ; call the 
 coachman, butler, groom, and all the footmen ; have you 
 taken up, taken before a magistrate." 
 
 " Pray don't ! " exclaimed the Marquis, " pray don't ; I 
 really won't hurt anybody ; just let me sit by the kitchen 
 fire till morning ; I assure you I'll go quietly away, and be 
 most thankful." 
 
 " Who can it be ? " inquired another female voice, now 
 joining the first one. " She doesn't speak like a common 
 person, somehow. How many are there of you ? " asked 
 she, now looking out of the window. 
 
 " Only myself ! " exclaimed the Marquis, " only myself ! " 
 repeated he, with upraised muff. 
 
 " She's got an ermine muff and tippet, I see," said the 
 second female voice, drawing back, " and appears well 
 dressed. We can hardly let her stand shivering there." 
 
 " If I was sure there was no one else, I'd let her in, but 
 it may be a plan to rob and murder us," observed the other ; 
 "we can't be too careful." 
 
 " Oh dear ! " exclaimed the Marquis, " don't keep me 
 shivering here ; I shall get my death of cold," added he, his 
 teeth chattering as he spoke. 
 
 A long consultation ensued in the lower room, to which 
 the cotton cap of the upper one was summoned. At length 
 slipshod footsteps were heard descending an uncarpeted stair- 
 case, and presently the rattling of bolts and loosening of 
 chains denoted the withdrawal of the barricade. 
 
 " There's none but herself," exclaimed the cotton-capped 
 hero, after an inspection from the upper window, whereupon 
 the key turned in the lock, and the last bolt flew back. 
 The door then partially opened. 
 
 " Come in, young woman ! " exclaimed a female voice 
 through the aperture, through which no sooner had the 
 Marquis squeezed, than clap the door went to again, and 
 the lock was quickly turned. A dim swealing candle, in a 
 block-tin candlestick, in the hand of a figure a little further 
 in the passage, threw an indistinct light along it, enabling 
 the Marquis to see two frilled nightcapped figures, muffled 
 up in white flannel dressing-gowns, with thick red worsted
 
 278 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 shawls about their shoulders ; and a short figure in dark 
 trousers, with a white cotton night-cap sticking off his head, 
 like a cardinal's hat. They were evidently the people he 
 had held communion sweet with outside. The walls of the 
 cold flagged passage showed symptoms of decay in the plas- 
 tering; and the unpainted rails of the staircase at the end 
 had the appearance of belonging either to the front of a very 
 bad house, or the back of a very middling one. 
 
 " Come this way," said the figure who had let him in, 
 retreating till she got the candle from the one near the stair- 
 case, which she flourished up and down, so as to throw as 
 much light as possible on our friend. 
 
 He certainly was a most forlorn figure. The smart blue 
 and white feather that Mr. Jorrocks had admired, now 
 drooped like a wet cock's tail over his ear, his hair hung in 
 wet, dishevelled ringlets about his face, and his blue and white 
 dress was torn and covered with mud stains. 
 
 " You're a pretty creature," said the figure with the 
 candle, retreating and beckoning the Marquis to follow her 
 into the kitchen. 
 
 A poke of the fire threw additional light on the subject 
 a light that removed all doubt as to what the wearer was. 
 
 " And pray, young woman," said she, with upturned nose, 
 and most contemptuous sneer, " and pray, young woman, 
 what do you mean by disturbing respectable people at this 
 time of night ? " 
 
 " Oh, I assure you I'm not to blame," exclaimed the 
 Marquis. " It's not from choice I'm this way ! " said he, 
 looking at his dress. 
 
 " / dare say" sneered the figure with the candle, " I dare 
 say" repeated she. " The old story, I suppose. But I'll 
 put you to rights in the morning." 
 
 " Hear me I " exclaimed the Marquis. 
 
 " I won't hear a word you've got to say," interrupted the 
 figure, starting and stamping with her foot. " I'll have you 
 taken before a magistrate! I'll have you taken before Mr. 
 Jorrocks ! " 
 
 " Oh, Mr. Jorrocks is a friend of mine," exclaimed the 
 Marquis, delighted to hear a name he recognised.
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 279 
 
 " The more shame for you ! " screamed the threatener. 
 " The more shame for you, you bold impudent hussy. I'll 
 tell Mrs. Jorrocks of you ! " 
 
 " Nonsense ! " exclaimed the Marquis, " nonsense ! I'm 
 not a woman I'm a man Lord Bray, in fact." 
 
 Scream ! screech ! scream ! went both the dressing-gowned 
 figures, followed by a hurried exclamation "Run, Emma, 
 and change your cap ! "
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 Sweet Auburn ! loveliest village of the plain, 
 Where health and plenty cheered the lab'ring swain ; 
 Where smiling spring its earliest visit paid, 
 And parting summer's ling'ring blooms delayed." 
 
 [HERE'S gannin to be a grand beast show here- 
 abouts," observed Pigg to his master (for the 
 sagacious reader will have conjectured from 
 Mr. Jorrocks's parting observation, as Pigg 
 left him with the cattle, that the relationship of master 
 and servant was likely to be re-established between them) ; 
 "there's gannin to be a grand beast show hereabouts," 
 observed Pigg, entering his master's sanctum, with one 
 of the usual autumnal-issuing handbills, offering such a 
 premium for the best bull, such a premium for the second 
 best such a premium for the biggest boar, and such 
 another for the best pig ; with the usual intimation at the 
 bottom, that dinner would be on the table at two o'clock 
 precisely, with a band in attendance. 
 
 " Is there ? " observed Mr. Jorrocks, taking the proffered 
 bill, headed in great letters : 
 
 ST. BOSWELL 
 
 AGRICULTUKAL SOCIETY. 
 
 GRAND CATTLE SHOW 
 
 ON THE FAIR DAY. 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks, " I s'pose we must be 
 after sendin' the Marquis. Wot do they give for the best 
 ball ? " added he, glancing at the prizes. " Here it is. 
 ' For the best ball of any age, ten punds ; for the second
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 281 
 
 best, five punds ; for the best yearling ball, six punds.' I 
 thinks we'll send the Marquis. 'Ow far is it from here do 
 you suppose ? " for Mr. Jorrocks had not learnt the country 
 as yet. 
 
 " Why, they say it's a gay step frae here," replied Pigg, 
 " maybe fourteen or fifteen mile ; yean should set off the 
 day afore, se as to travel the maist o' the distance, and get 
 the boole there in good order." 
 
 "Jest so," observed Mr. Jorrocks, "jest so; but that'll 
 ran up expense. If I shouldn't get a prize, I should be out 
 o' pocket." 
 
 " Ne doot," replied Pigg, " ne doot ; but he'd stite stay 
 at heam as gan in i' bad order. Lose his caracter, ye ken." 
 
 " Veil," said Mr. Jorrocks, " there's summut in that, to be 
 sure ; nothin' wentur, nothin' gain." Thereupon our friend 
 jingled his money in his pocket as if he was counting the 
 premium. 
 
 St. Boswell, though little more than a village, was a 
 place of some note, from its cattle shows and fairs. To this 
 it was indebted for its locality, being midway between 
 several larger places, to which it acted as a centre of attrac- 
 tion. Moreover, it was a place of surpassing beauty; not 
 that we mean to insinuate that its beauty would be any 
 attraction to a cattle- drover, it being merely mentioned 
 here as a lure to the reader to go on. Situate deep in 
 a narrow valley in a wild moorland region, sheltered with 
 lofty hills, whose grey rock-studded summits were barely 
 sprinkled with the hardy larch or stunted fir, growing ranker 
 and stronger down below until they mingled with beech, 
 oak, elm, and other forest trees in the bottom, St. Boswell 
 was placed in the prettiest part of the narrowing valley, 
 where the mountain's base was swept by a clear, sparkling 
 stream, hardly to be called a river in summer, but when 
 swelled with the mountain torrents of the thunderstorm or 
 wintry falls, it rushed and foamed in terrible and almost 
 irresistible velocity ; each mountain chasm showed its tribu- 
 tary streamlet, now rippling noiselessly down, or gliding 
 over the well-worn rock, from whence in winter it flowed a 
 noisy brawling cataract.
 
 282 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 Everything about St. Boswell was sunshiny and pretty. 
 The little fields on either side of the river looked fresher and 
 greener than anywhere else. The hedgerow and other trees 
 looked larger, healthier, and fuller of foliage, while the pine 
 tribe clustered on the mountain side with an air of naturalisa- 
 tion. Many of the larches were of great size; some full of 
 cones, and covered with the grey moss of age, while here 
 and there a broken top or shattered branch showed the effects 
 of resistance to the hurricane. The river, too, bore marks of 
 wildness and devastation. The wide bed was scattered with 
 enormous fragments of rock, breaking the stream into minor 
 channels, while wearing jetties on either side showed the 
 efforts of the landowners to keep the torrent in its course. 
 
 Over this river was a sloping bridge of many arches, 
 down which the unsuspecting traveller shot, losing half the 
 beauties of the place. From the high end of the bridge a 
 complete view of the little square forming the town might 
 be obtained. The old grey-roofed houses were irregularly 
 built ; but the battlemented edifice, under whose Gothic arch 
 the road passed to the north, gave the place the appearance 
 of some little fortified Swiss capital. On the right of the 
 square was a large inn, with a tinge of Gothic architecture 
 in its doorway and mullioned windows ; while here and 
 there similar windows might be seen scattered about the 
 square, some brightening with smart shawls, or parti- 
 coloured ribbons, others exhibiting the more humble stores 
 of flour or groceries. The church was a large square- 
 towered, stone-roofed building, standing aloof from the 
 square, and forming a beautiful feature as the traveller 
 progressed up the valley ; while a neat-looking little par- 
 sonage-house was stuck into the hillside, overlooking the place 
 from its shelving, garden - laid - out terraces. Luxuriant 
 evergreens were trained against its white walls, while a 
 world of forest trees clustered round, sheltering it alike from 
 summer's heats and winter's storms. 
 
 The fair was the great event of the year, and the visitor 
 on that day saw the village attired in its best the capital 
 of moorland life. At other times it presented a pleasant 
 picture of quietude and primitive simplicity.
 
 IIILLIXGDOX HALL. 283 
 
 James Pigg having thoroughly identified himself with 
 his master's interest, did all he could to set the Marquis off 
 to advantage. He cleaned him, and rubbed him, and fed 
 him with oil-cake, and made his coat shine like a horse's. 
 James soon persuaded himself that he was the finest loole 
 that ever was seen, and took it as a personal insult when 
 any one attempted to disparage him. Mr. Jorrocks en- 
 countered Pigg early in the morning on the day previous 
 to the show, in marching order, just as we found him in 
 the lane with the cattle. The eagle feather stood from his 
 Highland bonnet, and the plaide, divested of its wardrobe, 
 was thrown over his chest, with the fringed end across 
 his back. He had given the sporting buttons an extra 
 polish, and had made the alterations he spoke of between 
 the knees and the gaiters. Altogether he was uncommon 
 smart. 
 
 " Veil, James, then you're off," said Mr. Jorrocks, as he 
 met him in the passage. 
 
 " Ay, ar's gannin," replied Pigg, taking his oak staff down 
 from the rafters of the kitchen ceiling. " A loole taks a 
 vast o' travellin' ye'll be comin' yourself ar's warn'd ! " 
 
 " Not till to-morrow, James," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " not 
 till to-morrow but howsomever you see and get me the 
 prize and don't you get drunk" . 
 
 " Ar niver gets drunk f" replied Pigg, with a growl, 
 bundling past his master. 
 
 Off then James set ; and Mr. Jorrocks having seen him 
 and the bull away, returned to his study, where he had a 
 very important scheme in hand the establishment of a 
 periodical to combine the features of the Justice of the 
 Peace, The Farmer's Magazine, The Sporting Magazine, and 
 the Quarterly Review, to be called Jorrocks's Journal of 
 General Genius, with which he purposed knocking all those 
 periodicals out of the water. 
 
 For the present, however, we must request our readers 
 will accompany Pigg. 
 
 James did wise in starting early, for an extremely powerful 
 sun dissipated the coolness of the autumnal air ; and long 
 before noon it was excessively hot. The flies too teased
 
 284 HILLIffGDON HALL. 
 
 the Marquis, and rendered him very fractious : indeed, 
 none but an experienced drover, like Pigg, could have got 
 him along. Sometimes his lordship would stand stock-still, 
 and bellow till he made the surrounding country echo. At 
 other times, when he came within sight of a stream or 
 river, he would rush at it as hard as ever he could go, 
 pulling Pigg along like a straw ; then again he would 
 charge a stiff bullfinch into a field when he saw a cow, 
 riddling Pigg's face, and nearly scratching his eyes out, as, 
 grinning like grim death, he held on by the chain. At 
 length, towards evening, Pigg had accomplished his journey, 
 and had the satisfaction of housing the Marquis in good 
 order, whatever he might be himself. This was at a small 
 village a few miles off St. Boswell, a distance that left him 
 little to do next day. 
 
 A country fair being a great event in rural regions, the 
 little place was astir at an early hour in the morning. The 
 servant lads and lasses had their work to do, or arrange- 
 ments to make for taking each other's places, and the varied 
 countenances plainly showed who were for the fair and who 
 were not. A crowd collected to see Pigg start. " What 
 a fine bull ! " exclaimed one. " What a beauty ! " exclaimed 
 another. " He'll come from Scotland," observed a third, 
 eyeing Pigg's habiliments. The urchins gave three cheers 
 as he passed before them. 
 
 A turnpike gate stood across the road, about half-a-mile 
 from the village, and presented the unusual sight of a country 
 tollkeeper ready for his money not that they are averse to 
 taking it, but they are never on the lookout for it. Perhaps 
 this one's activity was caused by its being the fair day. At 
 all events, it is an unusual sight, as unusual as a country 
 servant being ready with his .money when he gets to one. 
 There, however, stood Tommy Sacker, with his friend Jacky 
 Green, and as Pigg and the bull approached, Tommy seemed 
 more intent on the animal than the toll. 
 
 " Here's a fine day," observed Pigg, as he approached the 
 gate. 
 
 " Deed is it, master," replied Tommy, " and you've got a 
 fine bull with you."
 
 IIILLIXGDOX HALL. 285 
 
 " Grand boole," said Pigg, rubbing the animal's curly 
 pow, " grand boole get the prize this yean ar guess." 
 
 " Whose is he ? " asked the gatekeeper. 
 
 " Dinnut ye ken him ? " asked Pigg, thinking how he 
 could " do " him. 
 
 " No, I don't," replied Tommy, examining the bull atten- 
 tively all round. 
 
 " Ah, come, ye de ? " replied Pigg inquiringly. 
 
 " No" replied the man decidedly, with a shake of the head. 
 
 " Why, it's Sir Robert Peel's grand boole," observed Pigg. 
 
 " Sir Robert Peel's grand bull ! " exclaimed the man. 
 " Bless ns, you don't say so ! Come here, Mary," cried he 
 to his wife, "come here, woman, and see Sir Robert Peel's 
 grand bull." 
 
 " Ye dinnut tak pay frae Sir Robert, ar's warned," observed 
 Pigg, driving the Marquis through the gate. 
 
 Scarcely had the turn of the road, as it wound round the 
 heathery mountain-side, screened Pigg from sight, than up 
 came Goliah, the crack bull of the country a great red and 
 white animal, that moved like an elephant. He was towed 
 along as usual by the nose by a countryman, while his 
 master, Farmer Cheesecake, followed on his grey pony behind, 
 giving the bull a crack on the hind-quarters every now and 
 then with his stick to keep him going. 
 
 A country turnpike-gate being as unlike a London one as 
 possible, Farmer Cheesecake pulled up to have a little talk 
 with Tommy Sacker, as he paid him the toll. 
 
 "Well, Tommy," said he, "here's a fine mornin' for the 
 fair." 
 
 " Fine mornin', sir," said Tommy, " fine mornin'." 
 
 " Many cattle gone through ? " asked Cheesecake. 
 
 " Only one bull, as yet," replied Tommy, " but he's a fine 
 'un : I doubt Goliah won't gain the prize to-day." 
 
 " I don't know that," replied Cheesecake, with a smile, as 
 much as to say, " what do you know about bulls ? " 
 
 "Well, but you may depend on't he'll be an awkward 
 customer," replied Tommy Sacker. 
 
 " Why, it will be Harry Tug well's bull a strawberry 
 roan," observed Cheesecake.
 
 286 HILLINGDON HALL 
 
 " No, it's not," said the gatekeeper. " So you're wrong 
 for once." 
 
 " It's Mr. Chub's, then." 
 
 " No, nor Mr. Chub's." 
 
 " Whose is it, then ? " demanded Cheesecake, at the same 
 time tendering his toll. 
 
 "Why, what do you think of Sir Robert Peel's grand 
 bull ? " inquired Tommy, with an air of exultation. 
 
 " Sir Robert Peel's grand lull ! " exclaimed Cheesecake at 
 the top of his voice, in horrified amazement. " Sir Bdbert 
 Peel's grand bull ! What the deuce business has Sir Robert 
 Peel to send his d d bulls here ? We want none of 
 Sir Robert Peel's bulls. No, nor none of Sir Robert him- 
 self," growled he. " Had enough both of him and his bulls, 
 and his tariffs too ruined the country done it on purpose 
 that he might come and sweep up what's left. D n 
 him ! Ill Sir Robert him ! " added Cheesecake, clutching 
 his stick and laying it into his pony, as if he saw Sir 
 Robert in the distance, and was going to ride at him. 
 
 Cheesecake was sore perplexed ; Goliah had gained three 
 prizes in his own part of the country, and it had been a 
 matter of argument with his owner whether he should send 
 him to St. Boswell or to a more distant show to take place 
 a few days after. Cheesecake's evil genius had induced him 
 to decide on St. Boswell, and now he found the Queen's 
 Prime Minister's bull was to be there to compete with him. 
 " It was a monstrous shame," he said, as he kicked and 
 jagged his pony along to overtake the bull. " It wasn't 
 fair. No bull could stand against a Prime Minister's bull. 
 The judges would be sure to give the prize to him. It was 
 no nse wasting money by going. Only be laughed at. 
 Would go home and try his luck at Moorsley instead." So 
 saying, he overtook the ponderous quadruped, and, much to 
 the astonishment of its leader, directed him to take a cross 
 country road home.
 
 287 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 " He rides a race. 
 "Tis for a thousand pounds." 
 
 [UST as Mr. Jorrocks was getting on to Dickey 
 Cobden to follow his bull to St. Boswell, he 
 espied Hercules Strong lugging a couple of 
 urchins along in a way that plainly said there 
 was work for the justice. His worship was sore perplexed, 
 for as it was he was half-an-hour behind time, having split 
 his stockingette pantaloons in the rear in drawing on his 
 Hessian boots, and when he had got them replaced by 
 another pair, one of the Hessians flew at the instep, and 
 one of his shirt wrist-buttons came off, which he was obliged 
 to get Batsay to replace before he was what he called 
 " comfey rumph." The arrival of the " waggabones " was 
 a pleasure he could have dispensed with. However, there 
 they were, and his worship felt bound to hear the case. 
 
 The youths had been stealing peas, and Hercules Stronghad 
 caught them in the act. They had their pockets full. The 
 case was quite clear, and Benjamin, with more than his usual 
 dexterity, having fished out the law in the Justice's Pocket 
 Manual, Mr. Jorrocks proceeded to read aloud, " Stealin', 
 or destroy-in', or damagin' with intent to steal, any plant, 
 root, fruit, or wegetable production " " such as peas," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, looking off the book at the male- 
 factors, " growin' in any garden, orchard, nursery ground, 
 'ot'ouse, green'ouse, or consarvatory Pun. : on conwiction 
 afore one Justice, for first offence, imprisonment with or 
 without 'ard labour in gaol or 'ouse of C." " which means 
 Correction," observed Mr. Jorrocks, again looking off the
 
 2 S8 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 book at the urchins, " for not exceedin' six calendar months," 
 read he, " or penalty above the walue not exceedin' twenty 
 pund." 
 
 " Now, vot 'ave you young warmints got to say," asked 
 he, "why I shouldn't send you each to the 'ouse of C. for 
 six calendar months apiece ; to be fed on worms and potato 
 parins, and whipped with stingin'-nettles ? " added he, 
 thinking of his own experience that way. 
 
 " Pray don't ! " exclaimed both the lads. 
 
 " Please, sir," observed Hercules Strong, in a whisper, 
 " the peas were growing in a field." 
 
 " 'Ord rot it, vy didn't you tell me that ? " exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, starting round in a rage. " Here have I been 
 a treatin' the case as one of a garden, and jest as I'm a goin' 
 to pass sentence on the malefactors, you tell me they were 
 growin' in a field ! Who the deuce can do jastice for you ? 
 All the labour to go over again, without knowin' where to 
 look for the law ! I'll not bother my 'ead," added he, 
 throwing the book over the back of the judicial chair, " I'll 
 not bother my 'ead with a case so ambiguously mysterious. 
 I'll deal sammarily with it. Take that bigger bouy to 
 Batsay," said he to Benjamin, " and make my compliments 
 to her, and say I'll thank her to flog him well. And 'ark 
 ye, young 'un," added he, with a shake of the head at the 
 other, " if you are caught at this 'ere game again, I'll 'ave 
 you flogged too ! desperate ! " concluded he, with a shake of 
 the head, as he rose from his throne. 
 
 At length our worthy friend got started, and worked 
 Dickey Cobden along so vigorously, that he nearly pumped 
 the wind out of him before he got five miles. The day too 
 was hot, and both Mr. Jorrocks and the nag were in a 
 running down perspiration at the end of that distance. 
 
 " Dash those ' waggabones," said Mr. Jorrocks to himself 
 as he pulled up into a walk, and began mopping his head 
 with a great blue and white bandanna. " Didn't give them 
 'alf enough," said he, thinking he should have flogged them 
 both for detaining him so long.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 289 
 
 " Come hup ! " exclaimed he, jerking the cob's mouth, and 
 kicking its lathered sides. " Will take all the shine off my 
 'essians, I do believe," added he, looking inwards at his legs. 
 
 On they jogged again, though only in a slovenly way, 
 Dickey raising the dust, and playing the castanets with 
 his feet as he went. " Confounded noisy beast," said Mr. 
 Jorrocks, trying to get him to alter his pace, so as to avoid 
 the noise ; " lumberin'-actioned beggar goes like a crab 
 all vays at once and none in particklar." 
 
 On they went, Dickey going very near the ground, and 
 knocking the loose stones about as if he were playing at 
 marbles. 
 
 " Do believe the beast will tumble with me," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, tightening his hold of his head. " Oh, but you 
 are a brute ! " added he, grinning with rage and vexation. 
 
 " Confound it, I must be near there now," at length 
 exclaimed he, pulling up into a walk, fairly exhausted with 
 working the nag throwing the reins on his neck, and 
 fumbling out his great watch. " I'm dashed if it ar'nt near 
 twelve," added be, eyeing the chronometer. " Show to 
 commence at eleven. Shall be a day after the fair. Come 
 hup, you hugly beast," added he, again seizing the reins in 
 a bunch and cracking Dickey Cobden across the shoulders 
 with the ends, a compliment that he merely acknowledged 
 by boring and shaking his head. 
 
 " 'Ord rot you, but I'll get a stick to you," said Mr. 
 Jorrocks, running Dickey alongside a hazel bush in the 
 hedge, from which Mr. Jorrocks helped himself to a stout 
 stick. 
 
 " Now, my man," said he, as he broke the twigs off, 
 " we'll see who's to be master you or I ; " saying which, 
 Mr. Jorrocks turned sideways in his saddle, and gave Dickey 
 a good lamming in the ribs. 
 
 Away they went in a canter. 
 
 " Ah, I thought as much ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, as 
 he felt Dickey easing himself down into a trot again at the 
 
 T
 
 29 o HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 end of a hundred yards or so. " I thought as much," 
 repeated he, " short and sweet, like a donkey's canter ; " 
 adding, " if I rides a donkey, I rides a donkey ; but if I 
 rides an 'oss, I rides an 'oss," whereupon our friend turned 
 sideways again, and proceeded to lam the other side of 
 Dickey's carcass. 
 
 Away he went again left foot leading. 
 
 This canter, however, did not last much longer than the 
 first. Dickey kept bobbing up and down, it is true, but 
 the pace was no better than a trot hardly so good. He 
 construed the first touch of the bridle into an intimation to 
 stop, and obeyed on the instant. 
 
 "Ah, you slug!" groaned Mr. Jorrocks in disgust, "vouldn't 
 give tappence a dozen for such brutes as you ; " thereupon 
 our friend pocketed his wig, and proceeded to mop himself 
 again after his unwonted exertion. 
 
 " Must be near there now, surely," exclaimed he, looking 
 again at his watch, after progressing a mile or two. " It's 
 a weary long way to be sure wouldn't have gone if I'd 
 thought it had been so far at all ewents not on 'ossback 
 the exertion of quiltin' and workin' this stinkin', curly- 
 coated beggar is too much this 'ot weather." 
 
 Our friend now came within sight of the gate the turn- 
 pike gate through which Pigg had passed in the morning. 
 
 " 'Ow far is this to St. Boswell ? " inquired he of Tommy 
 Sacker, riding up to the gate, money in hand. 
 
 "How far is it to St. Boswell?" repeated Tommy 
 Sacker very slowly. 
 
 " Yes, St. Boswell ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks ; " come, 
 quick, man, you're not fit to keep a pike." 
 
 " Why, it's four miles and better," drawled the man. 
 
 " Four miles and better ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 looking angrily around at him " four miles and wuss, 
 I should say. Impossible ! Can't le ! you know nothin' 
 about it."
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 291 
 
 " It's the case, I assure you," drawled Backer, astonished 
 at our friend's impetuosity. 
 
 " Dash my vig, I shall never get there ! " exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, preparing his stick to give Dickey Cobden another 
 quilting. 
 
 " Has my ball gone through ! " roared he, looking back 
 at the gatekeeper. 
 
 " Oh, I axes your pardon, sir Sir Eobert," replied Mr. 
 Sacker, taking off his hat, and advancing respectfully 
 towards Mr. Jorrocks ; " that's to say I really didn't know 
 you, sir yes, Sir Eobert, sir, your bull's gone through, sir." 
 
 " Sir Robert ! I'm not Sir Robert ! " growled Mr. Jor- 
 rocks ; " who d'ye take me for ? " 
 
 " Why, Sir Robert Peel," replied the man ; " Sir Robert 
 Peel's bull's gone through." 
 
 " Sir Robert Peel's ball," roared Mr. Jorrocks ; " wot on 
 airth business has Sir Robert Peel to send his beastly ball 
 down here ? I'll Sir Eobert Peel him" added he, grinning 
 with rage, as he whacked Dickey Cobden's quarters with 
 his stick. 
 
 " Con-found it, what a shame that is now ! " muttered 
 Mr. Jorrocks aloud to himself ; " there's Peel, with his 
 I don't know 'ow many thousands a year for doin' nothin', 
 and yet he must come and rob us poor farmers of our prizes. 
 It ar'nt right I'm shot if it is" So saying, he shortened 
 his reins, and laid the stick smartly into Dickey Cobden's 
 withers. 
 
 Dickey shook his head, and poked it down, and winced 
 as if he would kick ; but before he had summoned resolu- 
 tion to do so, Mr. Jorrocks brought him such a crack across 
 the hind-quarters as set him off in a canter. 
 
 Up and down, up and down, up and down, he went tit- 
 tupping along, with great labour and little progress. 
 
 " Yish I may find a fool at the fair to stick you into," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing Dickey's bobbing ears with 
 disgust adding, " you certain^ are the most worthless 
 beast that ever was lapped in leather. 'Oss, by Jove ! I've 
 seen a cow Avot would go quicker." 
 
 Thus he went working along.
 
 292 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " 'Ow far will this be to St. Boswell ? " asked our per- 
 spiring friend, as he overtook a drab-coated farmer in similar 
 coloured overalls, riding a mealy-legged, mealy-muzzled, 
 lumbering bay cart-horse, with a brass-cantrelled, brass- 
 pommelled saddle. " 'Ow far will this be to St. Boswell ? " 
 continued he, repeating the question that he had hazarded 
 at the traveller's back. 
 
 " Why, upon the wh-o-o-le " commenced the drab-coat, 
 without looking round. 
 
 " Oh, it's you, Mr. Vopstraw ? " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Your servant, sir ! your servant, sir ! " replied Wopstraw, 
 raising his hat respectfully to the Squire. 
 
 " I didn't know you," said Mr. Jorrocks, pulling up along- 
 side of him " I didn't know you vot 'ave you got your 
 great hupper binjimin on for ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks, lifting 
 one of the enormous laps with his stick. 
 
 "To keep the heat out, sir to keep the heat out," 
 replied Mr. Wopstraw ; " upon the who-o-o-le it's very warm 
 to-day." 
 
 Werry," said Mr. Jorrocks, with an emphasis. 
 
 " And 'ow far is it to St. Boswell ? " again inquired Mr. 
 Jorrocks, after they had looked each other over. 
 
 Wopstraw still kept staring. 
 
 " 'Ow far will this be to St. Boswell ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks 
 in a sharper key. 
 
 " Upon the wh-o-o-le? said Johnny Wopstraw, transferring 
 his eyes from Dickey Cobden to the rider, " I think your 
 nag must be better than he looks, Mr. Jorrocks." 
 
 " He can't look wuss nor he is," grunted our friend ; 
 " howsomever that's not the question I wants to know 'ow 
 far it is to St. Boswell ? " 
 
 " St. Boswell ? " repeated Wopstraw, very deliberately, 
 " upon the wh-o-o-le I should say it's five miles." 
 
 " Five miles ! " screamed Mr. Jorrocks. " Impossible ! 
 the pike-man told me it was only four." 
 
 " Well, I don't know," replied Mr. Wopstraw, apparently 
 conning the thing over in his mind, " I don't know, but upon 
 the wh-o-o-le I should say it was full that." 
 
 " 'Ord rot it, 'ow can that be ? " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks ;
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 293 
 
 " if it was four miles from the gate, and we're a mile from 
 it, 'ow can it possibly be five ? " 
 
 "Why, upon the wh-o-o-le, I never was there before," 
 replied Wopstraw ; " my brother's always gone, and I've 
 met him and the sheep about half-a-mile from this, just at 
 yon plantation end you see." 
 
 " Oh, then, upon the whole, good day ! " exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, seizing Dickey by the head and working him up 
 again into a canter, muttering execrations as he went, upon 
 cross roads, country stupidity, and want of milestones. On 
 they went for half-a-mile- or more, when the sight of white 
 petticoats and smart shawls lining the road as it wound 
 round the hillsides greeted his eyes. All the country round 
 was pouring in, and every little mountain track was con- 
 tributing its quota of healthy, blooming lasses, escorted by 
 sunburnt, stalwart sweethearts. St. Boswell Fair was the 
 great event of their year : a series of them furnished the 
 epochs of their lives. 
 
 " And 'ow far will this be to St. Boswell, my pretty gal ? " 
 asked Mr. Jorrocks of the first group he overtook, consisting 
 of three couple, all in their Sunday best ; the girls in light 
 gowns, with artificial flowers in their caps, and many-coloured 
 ribbons on their bonnets, all laughing and talking of their 
 anticipated enjoyment. 
 
 " Four miles, sir ! " cried a couple of the ladies ; " rather 
 more than four," replied the third. 
 
 "Nay, not so far!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks; "it can't 
 be so far," repeated he softly. 
 
 " You'd say it was, though, if you'd to walk it," observed 
 the first, with a smile on her pretty dimpled cheeks. 
 
 " Not if I vas to valk with you," replied our gallant Squire ; 
 " your laughin' blue eyes would shorten the distance." 
 
 A loud guffaw followed this gallant sally. " Will you give 
 us our fairings ? " asked Blue-eyes. 
 
 " If you'll give me a kiss," rejoined our Squire. 
 
 " No," replied she, looking at her sweetheart, who didn't 
 seem to relish the proposal. 
 
 "Then I'll give it you without," said our liberal friend, 
 fumbling in his pantaloon pockets for some money. Pre-
 
 294 
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 sently lie made a great haul silver, copper, keys, rings, 
 knife, pencil-case, all in a handful. " See," said he, picking 
 a couple of sixpences and a five-shilling piece out of the 
 melange "see, there's a shillin' apiece for you," giving 
 it all to Blue-eyes to divide. 
 
 " Thank you, sir ! " exclaimed she, with a curtsey ; " thank 
 you, sir ! " exclaimed the others. " Good luck to you," ex- 
 claimed the youths, and amid the hearty good wishes of 
 the party, Mr. Jorrocks again set Dickey Cobden a-going. 
 Shorter and shorter still grew Dickey's canters. He seemed 
 to have taken it into his head that his master wanted to 
 speak to everybody they overtook, and dropped short at each 
 group he came up to. 
 
 " Oh, you're an 'umbug ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, jerking 
 the curb sharply in his mouth. 
 
 Presently they overtook an equestrian a stiff little man 
 on a very slight bay pony. He had on a very low, dish- 
 crowned hat, with a broadish brim, and a couple of fly-hooks 
 and a twist of line round the band, a red cotton neckcloth, 
 with an old dirty Witney blanket greatcoat cut down into a 
 frock, with enormous mother-of-pearl buttons, and a very 
 long dirty Meg-Merrilies tartan waistcoat. His breeches 
 were of broad patent cord; and leggings of a similar 
 material, though of a smaller pattern, met a pair of very 
 stout ankle boots. He had a fair, but desperately freckled 
 face, with curly yellow locks, and a pair of little, roving, 
 ferrety, grey eyes that took everything in at a glance. 
 His pony, as we said before, was small and slight, high in 
 bone and low in flesh, while the indented mark above the 
 eye gave evidence of age. 
 
 " 'Ow far will this be to St. Boswell ? " exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, as he tit-tupped up within a few yards of the man. 
 
 " To St. Boswell ? " repeated he of the hat, pulling his left 
 hand out of the Witney coat pocket ; " three miles or so." 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks, pulling up alongside of 
 him to indulge in a little talk with a man who seemed to 
 have some London quickness about him. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks scanned him attentively, and his eye caught 
 the hooks. " Fisherman," grunted he to himself.
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 295 
 
 " You've a niceish nag there," observed the stranger, 
 breaking the silence. 
 
 " Yes, he is a werry nice nag," replied Mr. Jorrocks, 
 patting Dickey's neck. " Rather 'ot jest now," added he ; 
 " come a long way werry quick too." 
 
 " You'll not be for selling him perhaps," observed the man, 
 after they had ambled on a few paces in silence. 
 
 "Vy, I'm not particklar about sellin' of him," replied 
 Mr. Jorrocks ; " that's to say, I'm not anxious. In course," 
 added he casually, " if I could get my price, I might part 
 with him." 
 
 " And what are you asking for him ? " inquired the man, 
 after a good survey. 
 
 " I'll tell you in a word," replied Mr. Jorrocks brusquely 
 " twenty guineas ! Not a fardin' less, so it's no use offerin' 
 of it ; wouldn't take punds even." 
 
 " What age is he ? " asked the man. 
 
 " He's eight," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with the greatest 
 effrontery. 
 
 " He's long in the tooth," observed the man, looking into 
 Dickey's mouth, as he yawned and bored at the bridle. 
 
 " You must have length somewhere," replied Mr. Jorrocks, 
 " and I'm blow'd he ain't got it nowhere else." 
 
 " Will you let me lay my leg over him ? " at length asked 
 the man. 
 
 " Certainly," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " certainly," stopping 
 and preparing to dismount. " You must mind he's come 
 twenty miles though," observed he, dropping himself quietly 
 on to the ground, " and ar'nt fit to show. We can ride on 
 together, you know," added he. 
 
 The man leapt off his pony, and turning it round for Mr. 
 Jorrocks to mount on the right side, prepared to get upon 
 Dickey. 
 
 "You've a fine roomy saddle," observed the stranger, 
 laying hold of the pommel of one of "Wilkinson and 
 Kidd's" biggest. 
 
 " You can't put a round of beef on a plate," replied Mr. 
 .Jorrocks, adding, " vish I could say as much for yours, my 
 frind," as he eyed the little old flat-flapped jockey-looking
 
 296 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 thing lie had got in exchange, and began to fumble at the 
 stirrups. Ere he got them adjusted, the man had stuck his 
 little sharp-rowelled wiry-looking spurs into Dickey Cobden's 
 sides, and got him away in a canter. 
 
 " Vot a rambustical apology for a saddle," grunted Mr. 
 Jorrocks, hoisting himself on to the little pony, with a swag 
 that nearly sent it over. " Vish I mayn't lame myself trying 
 to ride in it." 
 
 With this prudent reflection, our friend thrust his feet 
 into the rusty old stirrups, and turned the pony round by 
 the thick weather-bleached reins, just in time to see Dickey 
 Cobden's stumpy tail disappear at a bend in the road a long 
 way further on. A high wall hid all from view, except the 
 dish-crowned hat of the rider, which kept bobbing up and 
 down in a way that satisfied Mr. Jorrocks Dickey Cobden 
 was cantering. 
 
 " I vish that chap mayn't be priggin' the agitator," 
 observed he, eyeing the hat. 
 
 Another moment, and he had his heels in his new mount's 
 sides, and was whacking him along with his hazel. 
 
 Away he went, as hard as ever he could lay legs to the 
 ground. 
 
 Whether the man had overrated Dickey Cobden, or 
 underrated his own nag, or may be underrated Mr. Jor- 
 rocks's equestrian powers, we know not ; but, certainly, a 
 looker-on would have thought the stranger had the worst 
 of the game. Mr. Jorrocks sat like a jockey, and hustled 
 the shambling little beggar of a pony along in a way that 
 perfectly astonished him. The dust rose, and the loose 
 stones flew, and the dogs barked, and the country lads and 
 lasses jumped aside, as our eager-eyed friend pressed onward 
 in the chase. 
 
 " It's a race ! it's a race ! " exclaimed some. " Bay for 
 a shilling ! " " Black for a guinea ! " "Go along, guts ! " 
 " Lawk, what a man for a jockey ! " 
 
 Whack, whacJc, whack, Mr. Jorrocks's stick went into the 
 pony, then elbows and legs went working away, and the
 
 IIILLIXGDOX HALL. 297 
 
 unbuttoned Jorrockian jacket-flaps flew about, exposing a 
 figure that fully justified the last ejaculation. " Cuss me if 
 I'll be done by a fisherman," said he to himself, hustling 
 along a la Chifney. 
 
 The road was undulating not exactly hilly, but up and 
 down, up and down for the first half mile or so, and there 
 was little diminution in the space between the parties at the 
 end of that distance ; but after that it became more level, 
 and also took a straight line up the valley, instead of wind- 
 ing round the hillsides. 
 
 On making the last turn, Mr. Jorrocks espied Dickey in 
 the distance, lobbing along amidst a terrible dust, and the 
 view lent impetus to his energies. He put on all the steam 
 he could raise, declaring as he went that " it must be a 
 werry bad nag wot couldn't beat Dickey Cobden." 
 
 Droves of cattle and flocks of sheep, coming from the 
 fair, now occasionally intercepted the view ; but every time 
 our worthy friend got a fresh glimpse, he thought he saw 
 Dickey's " galloping-dreary-done " sort of action more and 
 more distinctly. 
 
 The white tents, with their many-coloured flags floating 
 in the sunshine on a flat by the moor edge in the distance, 
 roused the last spark of latent fire, and caused him to press 
 forward ere the crowd of the fair baffled the pursuit. 
 
 The fugitive saw how things stood, and made play too. 
 With steady legs he kept his spur-rowels digging into 
 Dickey's sides, and urged him by every appliance of the bit, 
 and every noise he could make with his mouth, to the utmost. 
 Thus they clattered along, the thief riding in a most com- 
 fortable home seat in Mr. Jorrocks's capacious saddle, while 
 our worthy friend was constrained to stand up in his stirrups, 
 every now and then, to ease himself in his little apology 
 for one. 
 
 What vows of revenge Mr. Jorrocks made as he went ! 
 He'd skin him alive ! he'd transport him ! he'd sus per col. ; 
 tuck him up short ! He'd grind his bones to make him 
 bread. 
 
 The foot people mistook his energy for zeal, and shouted 
 and applauded " fatty " as he went. They now understood
 
 298 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 why the man on the black rode so hard ; it was a race, though 
 why he should get the start they could not conjecture ; all 
 the way behind people were running and straining their 
 eyes to try and see the result of the race. Betting at this 
 time two to one on the black. Some few backed " fatty " 
 for his pluck, but these bets were chiefly in kisses with 
 their sweethearts, and would not have been quoted in the 
 regular odds at the " corner." 
 
 "Whack, whack, whack," went Mr. Jorrocks, his eager- 
 ness increasing as he drew sufficiently near to descry the 
 fugitive looking over his shoulder to see where he was. 
 
 " S-t-o-r-p t-h-i-e-f!" gasped Mr. Jorrocks, grinning and 
 hustling along as he found he was drawing upon the run- 
 away : " s-t-o-r-p t-h-i-e-f," repeated he, hitting and holding 
 for hard life. 
 
 Another glance and the thief saw the game was up. 
 
 Dropping his hands and his heels at the same time, he 
 coolly settled into a walk, while he listened for Mr. Jorrocks 
 coming up. Presently he heard the clatter of his pony, and 
 Mr. Jorrocks gasping and ejaculating, " You willain ! you 
 waggabone ! you unmitigated thief ! " 
 
 The pony stopped short so suddenly on overtaking Dickey 
 Cobden as to start Mr. Jorrocks on to its neck ; betting, 
 three and four to one that our friend came off. 
 
 " He's off ! no, he's on ! he holds by the mane ! " 
 
 " Take care, sir ! take care, sir ! " exclaimed the man with 
 the greatest effrontery ; " you'll be hurting yourself ! " 
 
 "'Urtin' myself !" roared Mr. Jorrocks, hugging at the 
 neck ; " take care I doesn't 'urt you," added he, balancing 
 himself on the withers. He then got back into the saddle. 
 
 " He's a niceish cob this of yours," observed the man very 
 coolly ; " but hasn't quite pace enough for me." 
 
 "I thinks not!" screamed Mr. Jorrocks, "I thinks 
 not ! " repeated he, dismounting and seizing the man by 
 the collar. 
 
 "A fight ! a fight ! " exclaimed the astonished fair goers, 
 stopping short 
 
 " A thief ! a thief ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, pulling him 
 off Dickey Cobden.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 299 
 
 " Lawk, it's Tom the Tinker ! " shouted one " he that 
 stole my brother's mare." 
 
 " So it is," roared another ; " I didn't know him in that 
 hat." 
 
 " Duck him," cried several, pointing to a pea-green soup- 
 looking pond. 
 
 " Save at him ! " screeched Mr. Jorrocks, as if he was 
 worrying a fox. 
 
 Up they took the little vagabond, and, throwing him 
 high in the air, down he splashed over head into the stag- 
 nant filth. 
 
 "Now again/" cried another, seizing him as he crawled 
 out. 
 
 "There's nothin' like sammary conwiction," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, as he disappeared a third time, adding, "who the 
 deuce would be done ~by a fisherman I "
 
 ( 300 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 " These tidings nip me ; and I hang the head 
 As flowers with frost, or grass beat down with storms." 
 
 SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 E left our respected friend just as he had over- 
 taken the horse-stealer, and was witnessing his 
 submersion in the horse-pond. Having mopped 
 and cooled himself after his unwonted exertion, 
 Mr. Jorrocks readjusted his wig, and proceeded to recover 
 Dickey Cobden, who was now grazing quietly by the roadside, 
 having had quite enough galloping. 
 
 " Confound him," observed Mr. Jorrocks aloud to himself, 
 eyeing first his own quadruped and then the other ; " if it 
 hadn't been for the saddle, I really believes the bay's the best 
 of the two." So saying, he hoisted himself on to Dickey 
 Cobden, and plumped down in the capacious saddle. 
 
 He then " moved on," as the old watchmen used to say. 
 
 The crowd of foot people going, and cattle coming from 
 the fair, would have prevented any great activity in the way 
 of pace, even had our friend been desirous of using it ; but 
 having ridden such an uncommon race, on such a tremen- 
 dously sultry day, made Mr. Jorrocks well inclined to take the 
 thing quietly at the end ; accordingly he let Dickey Cobden 
 poke along at his own pace, while his master kept peeping 
 under the girls' bonnets. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks was a long way behind time for the show. 
 The foot people were all for the dance and the gingerbread 
 stalls, having enough of cattle and sheep at home ; but Mr. 
 Jorrocks seeing they were in no hurry, thought there was 
 no occasion for him to be in any either. Dilatoriness is very
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 301 
 
 catching. If you see a man in scarlet going quietly, you 
 are very apt to go quietly too ; whereas, if you see one 
 blazing along as hard as ever he can clatter, you are very 
 apt to clap on too, and perhaps find the wearer is going to 
 breakfast with a friend on his way. The same with a rail- 
 way, a coach, or anything tied to time. 
 
 " Vich vay's the cattle show ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks of 
 the first countryman he could get to look at him, at the 
 junction of the roads between the village and tent-covered 
 plain. 
 
 " Up there," replied the man, pointing towards the 
 southern hills, " but the show's over." 
 
 " Humph," grunted Mr. Jorrocks, stopping his cob against 
 the stream of population, thinking what he should do. 
 Presently the boom of a drum and the twang of a trumpet 
 fell upon his ear ; and sundry blue and white flags emerged 
 in sun-bright splendour from among the tents. A large 
 double-poled flag, borne by two men, with an inscription in 
 gilt letters on a white ground, came first ; followed by the 
 band, consisting of some half-dozen performers ; and then 
 divers trades' banners, mingled with an old Union Jack, 
 and sundry smaller insignia, preceded a long-drawn line of 
 pedestrians walking two and two ; most of them with very 
 blotched and pimpley noses, and white cheeks. 
 
 " Vot's all this about ? Vot's all this about ? " inquired 
 Mr. Jorrocks, keeping Dickey Cobden's head towards the 
 music, in spite of all his efforts to turn tail. 
 
 " You're just in time, sir, you are just in time ! " cried a 
 man in advance, who acted as a sort of drum-major, having 
 a broad blue rat-catcher-looking band over his shoulder, and 
 a constable's staff in his hand. " We're just going to sit 
 down," added he, waving his hand for Mr. Jorrocks to turn 
 and head the procession. 
 
 Accordingly our worthy friend did, riding in front, the 
 band playing, " See the conquering hero comes ! " 
 
 Thus they proceeded from the moor edge towards the 
 little town, the rush of spectators increasing as they neared 
 the bridge. The procession made the angle of descent, and 
 the music sounded among the crowds who surrounded the
 
 3 02 
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 shows and stalls of the itinerant dealers. The hardware 
 auctioneer stopped his eloquence, the teachers of the noble 
 art of self-defence stood in their gloves, the wonderful 
 conjuror ceased his exhortations to the gaping clowns to 
 enter his magnificent pavilion, and the musicians belonging 
 to the respective establishments of the five-legged horse, the 
 fat boy, the learned pig, the white-haired lady, the American 
 savages, &c., ceased their clamour to witness the grand pro- 
 cession of the day. 
 
 " A God's wuns ! what's happened now ? " exclaimed a 
 voice, rushing out of a stable, as Mr. Jorrocks rode most 
 consequentially past the bridge end, prior to entering the 
 town. 
 
 " A dear ! a dear ! " exclaimed Pigg, wringing his hands 
 in despair. " Wot's happened now ? here's wor ard ancient 
 gouk gean and joined the Tea-to-tallers ! Why, ye ard 
 fondey ! " exclaimed Pigg, forcing his way, bare-armed, bare- 
 headed, and coatless, through the crowd, " what's come o'er 
 ye now ? Sink, if ar wasn't afear'd of boggin mar neif, ar'd 
 give ye seek a crack in the guts," added he, seizing Dickey 
 Cobden by the head to arrest his master's further progress. 
 
 " Vot's 'appened now, James Pigg ? vot's 'appened now ? " 
 exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, astonished at his bull-keeper's 
 impetuosity. 
 
 " MATTER ! " roared Pigg, " why, what are ye disgracin' 
 yoursel' for ? Ye join the Tea-to-tallers ! Sink, but ar'd 
 niver ha' hired mysel' if ar'd ha' thout sich a thing ! " 
 
 " Tea-to-tallers ! " screamed Mr. Jorrocks, in horrified 
 amazement, looking back at the flag with " ST. BOSWELL 
 TEMPERANCE SOCIETY" glittering across the street. 
 
 "Ay, tea-to-tallers f " repeated Pigg, pulling Dickey 
 Cobden across the road by the head, so as to let the now 
 impeded procession get on, adding, as he led his rescued 
 master along " Sink, if thou's fit to be trusted frae heam 
 by thysel' ! " 
 
 " God sink, but thou's parfectly disgracin' thysel'," observed 
 Pigg, as he got his master off the cob and hustled him into
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 33 
 
 the stable alongside the bull. "Get in there and hide 
 thysel'," added he, pushing his master into the next stall. 
 
 " Vy , James, they told me it was the dinner band, or 
 I never would have thought of joinin' them," replied Mr. 
 Jorrocks, anxious to explain. 
 
 " Dinner band ! " exclaimed Pigg ; " couldn't thou read 
 ' TEMPERANCE ' on the colours ? What's the use of all thy 
 grand larnin', ar wonder ? " 
 
 " Veil, never mind ; they haven't cotched me, at all 
 events," replied Mr. Jorrocks. " Tell me, now, all how and 
 about it ; wot do they say about my ball ; am I to have the 
 prize ? " 
 
 " Thou get thysel' dusted over," replied Pigg, giving Mr. 
 Jorrocks's back a crack that sent a volley of dust out of it, 
 " and gan to the dinner, and they'll tell ye all about it ; it's 
 ne use axin' me, ar's not the judge." 
 
 No sooner had the band which was " open to all and 
 influenced by none " deposited the teetotallers in their 
 Temperance Hall, than off they set again to the moor, 
 to escort the diners to the tent. The same sort of pro- 
 cession, with a change of flags, marked the progress of 
 the farmers : " Speed the Plough " usurped the place of 
 the great Temperance banner ; while " Live and let live," 
 and similar mottoes, floated on smaller flags. Perched on 
 the hillside, by a belt of wood, and commanding an unin- 
 terrupted view over the village below, was a spacious tent, 
 whose patched and tattered canvas bespoke it better adapted 
 for a sultry sun-bright day, like the present, than an ex- 
 posure to those ruder elements with which the place was 
 frequently visited. The interior was in keeping with the 
 canvas : rudre benches formed of planks nailed upon posts 
 driven into the ground, ranged by the side of long, uneven 
 deal tables, covered with snow-white linen. The cross-table 
 at the head of the tent was a good deal elevated; and 
 a venerable, carved, black oak chair stood in the centre, 
 ensconced amid a profusion of dahlias, sunflowers, evergreens, 
 and heather, giving the chairman's seat somewhat the ap- 
 pearance of the tenements that in former days used to be 
 occupied by Jack-in-the-green. The seats on the right and
 
 304 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 the left were reserved for the big-wigs Jorrocks, and such 
 like. The tables were also decorated with bouquets, and 
 wreaths and crowns of flowers dangled from the roof. There 
 had been great anxiety all the morning for the arrival of 
 our worthy friend. His acquaintance were desirous of his 
 company, while those who had not seen him were anxious 
 to have a sight of him. His bull, too, had created no small 
 sensation, and it was strongly suspected by those who had 
 watched the countenances and manoeuvres of the judges, 
 as they moved, mysteriously and solemnly, from animal to 
 animal, that Jorrocks's bull stood a very good chance of 
 a prize. The bull-show had been rather deficient, and 
 Jorrocks's, though not a first-rate animal or most likely 
 the Duke of Donkey ton would not have given him it cut 
 a very good figure among the inferior animals by which it 
 was surrounded. Whether the deficiency in the bull de- 
 partment had been caused by Mr. Pigg's repeated assertion 
 that his was Sir Robert Peel's bull (as in the case of Mr. 
 Cheesecake), is not material to inquire the fact is as we 
 state it. 
 
 Pigg having rubbed his master over, and Mr. Jorrocks 
 having righted his wig, combed his whiskers, and flopped 
 his Hessian boots over with his handkerchief, reached the 
 tent just as the band and its followers, headed by Captain 
 Bluster, rounded the turn of the road above, and Mr. For- 
 tescue, the intended chairman of the day, dismounted from 
 his horse, and gave him to his groom. At the same moment 
 a rush of blooming damsels came scuttling up from the 
 town, bearing smoking dishes on their heads or in their 
 hands, with which they hurried into the tent, where they 
 were judiciously interspersed by the landlord' of the inn 
 among the cold joints, salads, and sweets, that had for some 
 time been attracting the attention of the flies on the flower- 
 decked tables. 
 
 The chairman, a neighbouring squire of large estate, com- 
 bined the polished manners of the modern school with the 
 sterling characteristics of the old-fashioned English gentle- 
 man. He was at home everywhere, from the palace of the 
 sovereign to the cottage of the labourer. Liberal, high-
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 305 
 
 minded, and gentlemanly, lie was looked up to and respected 
 by all. The fair and cattle show of St. Boswell mainly 
 owed its existence to him ; and being held in the autumn, 
 when London no longer possesses attractions, he seldom 
 missed the opportunity of meeting his friends and neighbours 
 by presiding. 
 
 Having passed up the tent to his seat, the places on his 
 right and left at the cross-table were immediately filled by 
 the foremost of the procession, and the last comers crowded 
 the tent up to the very entrance. The band having de- 
 posited the party, then sheered off, to divide themselves into 
 parties, to open the dances at the various public-houses. 
 
 It being an hour or two after most of the farmers' usual 
 dinner-time, and their appetites being whetted by the fine 
 mountain air they had been inhaling as they wandered 
 about among the cattle show, or stood making their bargains, 
 there was little mercy shown the viands when they once sat 
 down ; and grace had hardly escaped the clergyman's lips 
 ere the clatter of knives and forks commenced. It was a 
 half-crown ordinary, and each person called for and drank 
 what he liked. Londoners who order dinner at two guineas 
 a head for half-fledged appetites, would wonder how such 
 ravenous maws could be appeased on the best roast and 
 boiled at half-a-crown a head. There were capons, and 
 ducks, and hams, and tongues, and boiled legs of mutton, 
 and roast legs of mutton, and boiled beef, and roast beef, and 
 trembling jellies, and decorated tarts, with the finest vege- 
 tables that had been exhibited for prizes at the flower and 
 vegetable show of the morning. Talk of the cheapness and 
 plenty of a French ordinary ! it's not to be compared to that 
 of an English one a good English farmer's ordinary. 
 
 It used to be an old school recommendation, to " let one's 
 meat stop one's mouth ; " and most assiduously the farmers 
 acted up to the injunction. After they once set to, there 
 was little heard but clatter, clatter, clatter; varied by an 
 occasional request for another slice of beef or ham, or 
 another piece of bread. Then the fluids began to be called 
 for ; wine was only seen at the cross-table, and a very short 
 way down the centre one ; most of them indulged in ale or 
 
 U
 
 306 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 bottled porter. At length the most ravenous appetites were 
 appeased, and eyes gradually began to wander from the 
 plates to the surrounding faces. Friendly nods of recog- 
 nition took place. " How is't, Jack ? " " How is't, Tom ? " 
 " Good day, Mr. Brown." " Hope you're well, Mr. Green." 
 " How's the missis ? " Then the cross-table was scrutinised. 
 " There's Mr. Lumpington, " said one. " Who's that next 
 Mr. Patterson ? " inquired another. " Oh, that is Mr. Smith 
 of Grittleton," replied a third. " No, not him ; the gentle- 
 man on the other side, with the figured-velvet coat on." 
 " Oh ! I don't know him ; he's a stranger." " Mr. "Wop- 
 straw," continued the last spokesman, stretching back to- 
 wards the next table, "can you tell us who that is on Mr. 
 Grittleton's left ? " 
 
 "On Mr. Grittleton's left?" repeated Mr. Wopstraw, 
 very deliberately, his eye turning slowly towards the cross- 
 table ; " upon the who-o-ole I should say it was Mr. 
 Jorrocks." 
 
 " Oh, that's Mr. Jorrocks, is it ? " exclaimed the inquirer, 
 recovering his equilibrium to communicate the intelligence 
 at his own table ; " it's Mr. Jorrocks," observed he, " the 
 owner of the White Bull." 
 
 "Is that him ?" exclaimed half-a-dozen voices; and in 
 a very short time Mr. Jorrocks had the eyes of the majority 
 of the meeting upon him. 
 
 From this he was relieved by grace, followed by the 
 Chairman rising to propose the health of the Queen. 
 
 " Gentlemen," said he, " I rise to propose to you the 
 health of our gracious Queen (cheers) ; I am satisfied that 
 in this company your loyalty will induce you to drink the 
 toast with every honour (loud cheers). But, in addition to 
 your loyalty, you cannot forget that in drinking the health 
 of your Sovereign, you are drinking the health of a youthful 
 Queen, who, as a wife and a mother, has in the highest 
 station set the brightest example of domestic virtue. 
 Gentlemen, I give you the Queen, upstanding, and three 
 times three." The toast was received with the loudest 
 cheering. 
 
 " The next toast on my list," said he, " is the health of
 
 HILLINGD02s T HALL. 307 
 
 His Eoyal Highness Prince Albert. In addition to the 
 high station he holds as consort to the Queen, and the 
 popularity he has gained since his arrival in this country, 
 he has a claim on our affections as the ardent promoter of 
 agriculture." (Cheers.) 
 
 The Chairman then gave the toast, which was drunk with 
 three times three. 
 
 The third toast was, " The health of the Prince of Wales," 
 whose high breeding, the Chairman thought, would be 
 allowed by agriculturists to give fair promise of future 
 renown. 
 
 " Queen Adelaide, and the rest of the royal family," then, 
 with similar honours. Then came " The Army and Navy," 
 and " The Bishop and Clergy of the Diocese," for which 
 latter toast the Eector of St. Boswell returned thanks. 
 
 The Chairman then rose to propose " Success to the St. 
 Boswell Agricultural Association." After congratulating 
 the company on the excellence of the cattle show, the 
 number of competitors for premiums, and the large attend- 
 ance of yeomanry and farmers, he observed that in days 
 like the present, when they had foreigners to compete with, 
 British farmers must depend chiefly upon the excellence of 
 their breed of cattle, and every exertion ought to be made 
 to produce the greatest possible quantity of consumable food 
 from the land ; but when he saw the great improvements 
 which had been effected and were in progress, he felt they 
 might exclaim in the words of a homely saying " "Who's 
 afraid ? " (Cheers.) He trusted the St. Boswell Agricultural 
 Association would long flourish and prosper, because he was 
 convinced an increase of agricultural skill and industry was 
 of vital consequence to the country, and identified with the 
 maintenance of its independence and happiness. Meetings 
 like the present, where a number of persons whose interests 
 were identical, were assembled in social intercourse the 
 enterprising farmer and the honest, industrious labourer 
 must produce good results (loud cheers). He heartily 
 wished well to agriculture ; it was an art in which he took 
 great pleasure a pursuit dignified in every age by being 
 practised or encouraged by men in the highest rank and
 
 3 o8 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 of the highest talent. He concluded by giving " Prosperity 
 to the St. Boswell Agricultural Association," and sat down 
 amidst loud cheering. 
 
 The Chairman then announced that he should call upon 
 the Secretary to read the report of the committee on the 
 transactions of the past year, and then the awards of the 
 judges for the present one. 
 
 On hearing this, Mr. Jorrocks immediately found himself 
 on a seat of thorns, on which the worthy gentleman con- 
 tinued to recline during the infliction of a somewhat lengthy 
 document. It glanced at all the transactions of the year 
 ploughing, hedging, reaping, cattle-show, sheep-show, horse- 
 show, pig-show and how the Society, though flourishing, 
 would be better for a little more money ; all of which was 
 listened to with that impatient .inattention that usually 
 characterises meetings anxious to get to the point. 
 
 At length the Secretary concluded, and after wetting his 
 whistle with a mouthful of hot port, he drew a document 
 from his pocket, and announced that he would now proceed 
 to read the awards of the judges of the present show. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks bit his lips, and squeezed his hands till he 
 sent all the blood to his fingers' ends. 
 
 The Secretary, however, with painful prolixity, took 
 another sip of " black strap," and gave two or three hems 
 that did not seem to satisfy him, for he took out a great 
 blue-silk pocket-handkerchief, and having unfolded it very 
 deliberately, and ascertained the exact centre, blew his nose 
 with a long and melodious blow. 
 
 He then began reading. " The following are the awards 
 of the judges," said he, unfolding a long slip of manuscript. 
 " For the best bull of any age, above two years, five entries, 
 Mr. Johnson, ten sovereigns." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks's countenance fell five-and-twenty per cent. 
 " He may have got the second, however," grunted he. 
 
 The Secretary again read " For the best bull under two 
 years of age, seven entered, five sovereigns, Mr. Grumbleton." 
 (Applause followed this announcement.) 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks tried to look unconcerned, and, in doing so, 
 knocked a glass of port into his lap.
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 309 
 
 The Secretary then proceeded with his light reading, 
 showering sovereigns upon the owners of cows, and heifers, 
 and calves, and tups, and lambs, and ewes, boars, sows, and 
 cottagers' pigs, each announcement being followed by more 
 or less applause. At length he got through his list. 
 
 The Chairman then rose to perform what he said was to 
 him one of the most gratifying tasks of the day namely, 
 proposing the healths of " The Successful Candidates." He 
 had attended many meetings in St. Boswell almost every 
 meeting that had taken place and he could safely say that 
 each succeeding one outstripped its predecessor in the 
 number and value of the stock, and he felt confident they 
 would go on improving until their shows would be second 
 to none in the kingdom. He concluded by proposing the 
 healths of " The Successful Candidates." 
 
 After a long pause, caused by the successful candidates 
 waiting for the head prize-man, Mr. Johnson, to return 
 thanks for the body, Mr. Grumbleton at length rose, and 
 was followed by the representatives of cows, tups, heifers, 
 calves, lambs, ewes, &c., all standing and looking as solemn 
 as judges. Thank God ! farmers are no orators. They are 
 almost the only class exempt from the curse of eloquence. 
 They say what they've got to say, and are done with it, in- 
 stead of yammering and " honourable friend-ing," " honour- 
 able gentleman-ing," and moving, seconding, amending, 
 using all the jargon of Parliament, in fact. Mr. Grumble- 
 ton dribbled out what he had to say, and all the horned and 
 other cattle were speedily in their seats again. 
 
 The Chairman having filled a bumper, held it up before 
 him, and called upon the company to imitate his example. 
 Those who drank wine having complied with his request, 
 and those who drank spirit having replenished their glasses, 
 the Chairman again rose to address them. " I call," he 
 said, " for a bumper, for two reasons : first, because the 
 toast I am about to propose is one where a little consolation 
 and encouragement is required ; and, secondly, because in 
 that toast is included a gentleman whose name is famous 
 throughout the universe " [" That's me," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks aloud to himself] " and who has honoured us
 
 3 io HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 with his presence, for the first time, this day." [" I said 
 so," said Mr. Jorrocks, jingling his money in his breeches- 
 pocket. All eyes sought out the great unknown.] 
 " Gentlemen," continued the Chairman, " the toast I have 
 to propose to your notice is that of ' The Unsuccessful 
 Candidates' (applause). I could wish that at the first 
 appearance among us of a gentleman so distinguished in 
 many enterprising undertakings, we could have had the 
 satisfaction of drinking the health of Mr. Jorrocks as a 
 successful candidate" ["Indeed, so do I," observed our 
 friend aloud to himself, with a deep sigh and a shake of 
 the head an observation that elicited a laugh from those 
 who heard it] " but," continued the Chairman, " it is not 
 for mortals to command success, though I am sure all of 
 you who witnessed the noble animals our distinguished 
 guest exhibited this day [" I'd only one," grunted Mr. 
 Jorrocks, adding, " and that was one too many "] " I 
 should say, gentlemen, those of you who saw the noble 
 animals our distinguished guest and the rest of the un- 
 successful competitors exhibited here this day, will readily 
 admit that they deserved success" ["The judges were all 
 wrong," grunted Mr. Jorrocks aloud to himself; "wouldn't 
 give tuppence a dozen for such fellows "] and in drinking 
 their healths I am sure you will cordially join me in wishing 
 one and all ' better luck next time.' " 
 
 The toast was drunk amidst great applause, Mr. Jorrocks 
 sticking his legs out before him, and looking very like 
 having taken the rest.* 
 
 A considerable pause ensued, all eyes being anxiously 
 turned on the " lion of the day." Mr. Jorrocks, however, 
 didn't seem at all inclined to acknowledge the compliment, 
 and crossed one leg over the other, as much as to say 
 " Some one else may return thanks." How long this humour 
 might have prevailed is uncertain, had not a familiar voice, 
 exclaiming, "Now then, ard man!" in a cheering tone, 
 risen above the knockings of knives and forks and the clatter 
 of glasses and spoons. 
 
 " That's James Pigg ! " observed Mr. Jorrocks aloud 
 * Turned sulky.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 311 
 
 to himself, with a start that brought him on to his legs 
 to see where his misleader was. " Rot him," added he, 
 " it was him wot did all the mischief." Loud cheering 
 followed this movement, which Mr. Jorrocks acknowledged 
 with his usual affability. Better humour returned with the 
 restoration of silence. 
 
 " Mr. Chairman and gentlemen," at length said he, looking 
 uncommonly wise, and dancing his glass about among the 
 biscuit crumbs before him " Mr. Chairman and gentlemen," 
 repeated he, " if I was to say that I am gratified at the 
 result of this day's exhibition, I should be tellin' you an 
 uncommon crammer I shall not do no such thing I'm 
 not the man to thank you for nothin' (laughter and 
 applause). On the contrary, I'll candidly confess, that I'm 
 quite down in the mouth at the result of this day's show 
 I'm mortified to think that my quadruped my noble 
 quadruped my beloved quadruped should not appear in 
 your eyes wot he does in mine." [" Weall done, ould 'un ! " 
 exclaimed James Pigg, tapping his oaken staff against the 
 table, adding, with a shake of the head, " Sink him, he 
 can jaw a bit."] " It would, indeed, have been a proud 
 feather in my cap," continued Mr. Jorrocks, " if I had 
 carried the prize back to my shop, and been hailed as the 
 wictor at this great gatherin' (applause). Not as I cares 
 for the money oh no ! it's the honour I look to." [" Sink 
 the honour ! " exclaimed Pigg, " the brass is the thing ! "] 
 " It's the unsullied reputation of that spotless ball that 
 
 milk-white beautiful critter " (Here Mr. Jorrocks's voice 
 
 faltered, and he was apparently overcome by his feelings.) 
 
 " Haud up, ard 'un ! haud up ! " exclaimed Pigg cheer- 
 ingly, amid the applause and shouts of the company. 
 
 " 'Old your noise I " replied Mr. Jorrocks, with a shake of 
 the head, looking very indignantly towards the spot from 
 whence the voice proceeded ; for the dense volleys of smoke 
 that now filled the tent, and a large pot of flowers and ever- 
 greens behind which Pigg ducked, screened him from his 
 master's view. Mr. Jorrocks was quite put out. 
 
 " Well," said he, after the applause that was raised to 
 give him time to collect himself had subsided " well,"
 
 3 i2 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 said he, " it's no use botherin' about the matter. I ve not 
 gained the prize, and the loss is yours as well as mine. I 
 had as fine, hoiley an oration as ever was uttered, all ready 
 to let off in case I had won ; but I'll candidly tell you, 
 losin' was not taken into my kalkilation : if it had, I would 
 not have come here (laughter and applause). You may 
 laugh," observed Mr. Jorrocks, " and I makes no doubt them 
 as laughs have won ; but I can tell you it's no jokin' matter, 
 comin' swelterin' 'ere as I've done this 'ot day. But, if 
 there's any of you gen'lmen," looking at the unsuccessful 
 upstanders, " wot would like to disembogue anything, I'll 
 not stand atwixt you and the chair." So saying, our friend 
 soused himself into his seat again. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks having delivered himself of his speech, the 
 curiosity of the meeting seemed a good deal subsided, and 
 the landlord of the inn who supplied the entertainment 
 having made his appearance for orders, there was a con- 
 siderable tendency exhibited for ardent spirits, and rum, and 
 brandy, and gin, and Hollands were loudly called for from 
 all quarters, the demand being occasionally accompanied 
 by an order for a pipe. Great good-fellowship appeared to 
 prevail, especially at the lower end of the tent, where Pigg's 
 voice was frequently loudly conspicuous. James was enter- 
 taining his auditors with wonderful accounts of farming 
 in the north, and particularly the farming of his cousin 
 Deavilboger's land, which, from his account, was a perfect 
 model farm. His auditors entertained him with spirit in 
 return, and as each glass went down, James's voice became 
 louder. The Chairman having run through the usual routine 
 of toasts, rested a little on his oars, and all tongues were 
 gradually let loose into one general cry. Wheat, and beans, 
 and rum, and cattle, and whisky, and baccy, and barley, and 
 pigs, and sheep, and turnips, and tares, and long horns, and 
 short horns, and protection societies, and corn-law leagues : 
 all sorts of farming and agricultural concerns were severally 
 discussed. 
 
 Even those fertile subjects seemed to fail at last, and 
 the noise slackened till it gradually died down, and Pigg's 
 and half-a-dozen other voices were the only ones that kept
 
 IIILLINGDON HALL. 313 
 
 going. Mr. Jorrocks sat comforting himself with a bottle 
 of uncommon strong port, fresh from the wood. At length 
 the Chairman rose to announce that the Rev. Mr. Prosey 
 Slooman would favour the company with the result of his 
 experiments with guano upon turnips. 
 
 " Sink your guarno ! Muck's your man ! " exclaimed 
 Pigg, at the top of his voice an assertion that caused a 
 roar of laughter throughout the meeting, and somewhat 
 disconcerted Mr. Prosey Slooman, who kept fumbling about 
 in his pockets for his spectacles, while he had them on his 
 nose all the time. At length he ascertained where they 
 were, and having lowered them, he proceeded to unfold a 
 very bulky bale of manuscript, that caused an involuntary 
 shudder among those who were acquainted with his tedious 
 prolixity. Slooman being on the best of terms with him- 
 self, coughed and hemmed and stroked his chin, and looked 
 complacently around, as much as to say, " I am Sir Oracle, 
 and when I ope my lips let no dog bark." He was 
 a little, bristly-headed, badger-pyed, pedantic, radical school- 
 master, who farmed his own glebe, and managed matters 
 somewhat in the style of the celebrated Wackford Squeers, 
 frequently recreating the boys with a little work on the 
 farm. He was a great turnip and root grower, which 
 the ill-natured world said were largely consumed in the 
 house, as well as in the fold-yard. Mr. Prosey Slooman 
 had given the boys a whole holiday's work on the farm 
 that day, in order that he might inflict his tediousness on 
 the assembled farmers at St. Boswell. Having somewhat 
 recovered from the unwonted interruption occasioned by 
 Pigg's exclamation, he gradually screwed his coarse features 
 into a self-complacent smile, and proceeded to address the 
 meeting. 
 
 " Gentlemen," said he, " after the very flattering appeal 
 that has been made to me by our distinguished Chairman 
 a gentleman not less remarkable for his urbanity than 
 for his scientific acquirements I cannot hesitate for one 
 moment in complying with his request, backed, as it appears 
 to be, by the unanimous wish of this enlightened assembly. 
 I cannot, I say, hesitate in laying before you, as shortly and
 
 3 i4 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 succinctly as the extensiveness of the subject, and the 
 humble talents with which nature has endowed me, will 
 allow, the very important I might almost say, nationally 
 interesting experiments I have made upon the valuable, 
 and, to farmers, never-to-be-sufficiently-appreciated agricul- 
 tural production called turnips, with various kinds of manures 
 and compositions particularly guano upon different soils." 
 
 Mr. Slooman paused, in expectation of applause ; but a 
 dead silence prevailed, save a slight noise at the low end 
 of the tent, caused by Pigg's drinking off his neighbour's 
 brandy as he said, in mistake for his own an awkward 
 mistake, as his glass happened to be empty. 
 
 " Gentlemen," continued Mr. Slooman, taking off the top 
 layer of the ponderous pile of papers, and pompously un- 
 folding it, " my first experiment was with an acre of globe- 
 turnips with one hundred pounds of guano." 
 
 " Sink your guarno ! Muck's your man ! " again roared 
 Pigg, to the convulsion of the company. 
 
 "Silence/" exclaimed Slooman, with flashing eye-balls, 
 "or Til" 
 
 He would have said " flog you," but returning presence 
 of mind saved him. 
 
 " Order ! order ! pray keep order, gentlemen ! " inter- 
 posed the Chairman. 
 
 " It's that beggar Pigg," grunted Mr. Jorrocks, helping 
 himself to a bumper of port ; " doesn't seem to care a copper 
 for the misery he's brought upon me." 
 
 " I am obliged to the chair for interposing so promptly 
 on my behalf," observed Mr. Slooman, bowing very obse- 
 quiously ; " interruptions so coarse, so unmanly, so unseemly, 
 only recoil upon the brainless head that makes them." 
 
 "Ay, ay!" grunted Pigg; "ar'll sarve ye out e-now!" 
 clutching his oaken staff as he spoke. 
 
 " Mr. Chairman and gentlemen," resumed Mr. Slooman, 
 returning again to his paper, "I was saying, when that 
 stupid blockhead interrupted me, that my first experiment 
 was with an acre of globe-turnips, with one hundred pounds 
 of guano, upon ten single-horse cart-loads of farmyard 
 manure, which produced twenty-two tons of turnips when
 
 IIILLLNGDON HALL. 315 
 
 weighed in December ; while upon a second acre of the same 
 land, with twenty single-horse cart-loads of the same farm- 
 yard manure, without guano, I only got fourteen tons." 
 
 " Muck's your man ! for all that," exclaimed Pigg. 
 
 " There again ! " started Mr. Slooman, laying down his 
 paper and throwing out both hands, " am I, Mr. Chairman," 
 continued he, addressing the President, "am I to be pro- 
 tected in the gratuitous performance of a public duty, or 
 ami" 
 
 " Who is it makes that noise ? " asked the Chairman, for 
 he could not see for the smoke. 
 
 " Gan on, ard 'un ! gan on ! " exclaimed Pigg ; " there's 
 nebody fashin' ye ! " 
 
 "That Pigg's drunk," observed Mr. Jorrocks aloud to 
 himself, as he at the port again. 
 
 Mr. Slooman again essayed to proceed. 
 
 " A third acre of Swedish turnips, gentlemen," continued 
 he, " with two hundred pounds of guano, mixed with four 
 bushels of sifted house-ashes, produced fourteen tons ; while 
 an acre adjoining the above, with twenty-five single-horse 
 cart-loads of the farmyard manure, produced only ten tons 
 sixteen hundredweight. 
 
 " That's a lee I " roared Pigg. " MUCK'S YOUR MAN ! " 
 repeated he, louder than ever. 
 
 Mr. Slooman dropped his hands, and stood transfixed. 
 Laughter, groans, hisses, and all sorts of discordant noises 
 prevailed, mingled with the Chairman's cries of " Order / 
 order ! " and a few exclamations of " Turn him out, turn 
 him out ! " 
 
 " Ay, torn him out ! " roared Pigg. " Torn him out ! " 
 repeated he, thinking they meant the Chairman ; " and ar'll 
 come and sit up there, and sing ye a sang," added he. 
 
 " Eeally, gentlemen, this noise and interruption is very 
 indecorous," observed the Chairman, rising as soon as the 
 uproar began to subside. " If it is not the pleasure of the 
 meeting to hear the reverend gentleman, I am" 
 
 " Raver end ! " roared Pigg. " Ar'll give ye a raverend
 
 316 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 toast : ar'll give ye, ' Mair pigs and fewer parsons ! ' " (Roars 
 of laughter.) 
 
 " Who is it that makes that disturbance ? " again demanded 
 the Chairman. 
 
 " 'OLD YOUR NOISE, JAMES PIGG ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 rising, and speaking as loud as he could ; an order that had 
 the effect of restoring silence on the instant. James couched 
 behind the flower-stand. 
 
 Mr. Slooman stood in expectation of some reprimand 
 from the Chairman on the offender ; but the former seemed 
 satisfied with the restoration of silence, and Mr. Slooman 
 again proceeded, and exhausted half-an-hour in a disquisi- 
 tion on the miraculous qualities of guano, which, in his 
 opinion, beat everything else out of the field. 
 
 Pigg kept up a sort of running commentary on Mr. 
 Slooman's observations, sufficiently low, however, not to 
 reach his master's ears. 
 
 The next incident of the evening was the appearance of 
 Mr. Wopstraw, who, at the earnest request of many admiring 
 friends in his neighbourhood, rose to acquaint the company 
 with the result of his experience in the article of guano. 
 Mr. Wopstraw was still attired in the costume of the morn- 
 ing, drab greatcoat and drab overalls, then worn, as he 
 said, to keep the heat out, and now retained perhaps to 
 keep the smoke out. Under them appeared a respectable 
 black coat and waistcoat, with drab breeches ; and he had a 
 snuff-coloured bandanna round his neck. Mr. Wopstraw 
 was considered a very safe man one that never did any- 
 thing without due consideration, and who weighed the pros 
 and cons of everything in his mind. His rising caused an 
 outburst of applause. 
 
 " Mr. Chairman and gentlemen," said he, plastering his 
 straggling hair flat over his head with his hand " Mr. 
 Chairman and gentlemen," repeated he, " I have heard what 
 the Reverend Mr. Slooman has told about the guano, but 
 as I've used some myself, upon the wh-o-o-le I think I may 
 say he's not altogether right. He thinks little of foldyard 
 manure compared to it ; but, upon the wh-o-o-le, I think 
 guano and foldyard mixed is the thing."
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 317 
 
 " Ay, ay," said Pigg, " that's mair like the ticket." 
 
 " I had some turnips," continued Wopstraw, " sown with 
 guano alone, and some with foldyard manure, and, upon the 
 wh-o-o-le, I should say the guano took the lead at starting, 
 and kept it well to September, when the foldyard began to 
 tell, and came on when the flush of t'other was over." 
 
 " Muck's your man ! " again roared Pigg. 
 
 "Therefore, upon the wh-o-o-le" concluded Wopstraw, 
 " I should say guano was a good thing for setting tur- 
 nips a-going ; but you should have muck, as that gentle- 
 man calls it, to come up when the effect of t'other is 
 over." Mr. Wopstraw resumed his seat amid considerable 
 applause. 
 
 Mr. Smith now rose to perform a duty in giving a toast 
 that ought to have been given at an earlier period of the 
 evening, namely, that of the health of their worthy Chairman, 
 to whom they and the country in general were under so 
 many obligations, not only for the honour he invariably did 
 them of presiding at their annual meetings, but for the very 
 exemplary manner in which he discharged every duty of a 
 country gentleman. (Drunk with three times three, and 
 one cheer more.) 
 
 The Chairman returned thanks with his usual felicity. 
 He then called upon Mr. Hogger to detail the result of his 
 experiments with nitrate of soda as a manure, which that 
 gentleman did with great perspicuity on various crops oats, 
 grass, barley, wheat, &c. 
 
 Shortly after he sat down, and some of the company were 
 beginning to look at their watches to see how much longer 
 they might sit, when the Secretary was observed to proceed, 
 with an air of importance and mystery, to the Chairman, 
 with a paper in his hand, on which they held a confer- 
 ence for some seconds. The Chairman rose to address the 
 meeting. 
 
 " Gentlemen," said he, " at an earlier period of the day I 
 had the honour of proposing two toasts for your acceptance 
 one, ' The health of the Successful Candidates,' the other, 
 ' The health of the Unsuccessful Candidates on the present 
 occasion.' Since then our able Secretary has discovered that
 
 3 i8 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 we have placed a distinguished stranger in a false position 
 a position that it affords me, as I feel certain it will you, 
 the liveliest satisfaction to rectify." 
 
 " Vot's all that about ? " said Mr. Jorrocks, pricking his 
 ears. 
 
 " You will perhaps remember, gentlemen," continued the 
 Chairman, " that the premium for the best bull was said 
 to be awarded to Mr. Johnson ; and perhaps it may have 
 struck you, as it certainly did me, as rather singular that 
 the taker of the first prize, neither in person nor by proxy, 
 returned thanks for the compliment." 
 
 " Werry true," observed Mr. Jorrocks, who had observed 
 nothing of the sort. 
 
 " That circumstance is now explained by the recent dis- 
 covery," continued the Chairman. " The bull, it appears, 
 was known to the judges as Mr. Jobson's bull." 
 
 " Mine, for a guinea ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " The prize was unanimously awarded to him," continued 
 the Chairman. 
 
 " Hurrah ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks ; " hurrah ! " 
 
 " What's thou hurrain' for ? " roared Pigg. " Thy name's 
 not Jobson." 
 
 " But the Secretary in writing the name down, amid the 
 hurry and pressure of the crowd, it seems, wrote it Johnson 
 instead of Jobson. Now, Mr. Jobson, as many of the pre- 
 sent meeting are aware, is the farm-steward of his Grace 
 the Duke of Donkeyton the intimate ally of my honour- 
 able friend, if he will allow me so to call him, on my left," 
 observed the Chairman, turning to Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Certainly ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks. " Certainly ! " re- 
 peated he. 
 
 "Among other flattering, honourable, and I am sure I 
 may add well-deserved, marks of distinction conferred by 
 his Grace on my honourable friend, was that of making 
 him a present of this bull." 
 
 " Quite true," observed Mr. Jorrocks, " quite true. The 
 Duke gave me it : 'ighest compliment he could pay me." 
 
 "And therefore, gentlemen," continued the Chairman, 
 " not to trouble you with the particulars of a story whose
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 319 
 
 conclusion you have doubtless anticipated, I have to beg 
 that you will join me in rectifying the unintentional error 
 of our Secretary, by receiving the name of Mr. Jorrocks as 
 a successful competitor on this occasion, with such bumpers 
 and such acclamations as will testify our sincere delight at 
 his well-merited success, and will soothe, at the same time, 
 the feelings of mortification he must have suffered at the 
 late erroneous announcement." The Chairman concluded 
 by drinking Mr. Jorrocks's health in a bumper, with three 
 times three, amidst great applause. 
 
 " Your good health, Mr. Jorrocks ! " " Your good health, 
 Mr. Jorrocks ! " " Your good health, Mr. Jorrocks ! " then 
 flew at our worthy friend, like arrows at a target, from all 
 parts of the tent ; and the Chairman having drained off his 
 glass, stood forward to mark the time. Three times three 
 and one hearty cheer more were thundered forth with tre- 
 mendous effect. Mr. Jorrocks sat nursing a leg, and bowing 
 his head like a Chinese monster on a chimney-piece. 
 
 " Now for an o-ra-tion ! " exclaimed Pigg, as silence 
 gradually prevailed, and our friend let down the leg pre- 
 paratory to rising. 
 
 " Mr. Chairman and gentlemen," exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 rising, and waving his hand for silence, " I should, indeed, 
 be unworthy the name of a true-born Briton if I didn't 
 confess that this unexpected honour has completely un- 
 manned me (applause). Gentlemen, I haven't the wanity 
 to suppose that the enthusiastic reception you have given 
 the name of John Jorrocks is attributable to any 'umble 
 merits of mine, but simply paid me as the owner of that 
 able and distinguished ball, the Markis o' Bray (applause). 
 In the name of that able, that amiable, that magnificent 
 quadruped, I return you the most 'artfelt thanks (loud 
 applause); would that he could speak and do it himself! 
 But believe me, gentlemen, the Markis's master's 'art is a 
 bustin' with gratitude for the kindness you have shown the 
 Markis. You have conferred on him the 'ighest honour a 
 'igh-bred ball can attain awarded him the first prize. Oh ! 
 but it was a noble act, and nobly has that ball deserved it ! 
 Gentlemen, excuse my sayin' more, my feelin's overpower
 
 3 2o HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 me. As my friend, Tarquinius Brown, of Friday Street, 
 sublimely sings 
 
 ' If ever fondest prayer for other's weal awailed on 'igh, 
 Mine shall not all be lost in hair, but waft thy name above the sky.' 
 
 So shall my best wishes, and the best wishes of my ball, 
 waft your names into the attics o' the hupper regions o' 
 the sky" (great applause). Mr. Jorrocks resumed his seat, 
 apparently overcome by his feelings, amidst loud cheers. 
 Presently he arose, and spoke as follows : " Mr. Chairman, 
 with your permission I'll give a toast a toast that will find 
 its way 'ome to the 'arts of you all, without any soft sawder 
 from me. It is the 'ealth of one most jestly dear to me 
 dear in every pint of view, but bound in stronger union 
 by the result of this day's show. Oh ! it's a proud thing 
 to carry off the prize in the manner my ball has done, 
 beatm' every ball in the country, from the Prime Minister's 
 down'ards." 
 
 "Ay, ay," grunted Pigg, adding to himself, " thou'd 
 best say nowt about that" 
 
 " But oh ! gentlemen ! gentlemen ! you've got no liquor!" 
 continued Mr. Jorrocks, looking about him and holding up 
 his own empty bottle. " Here, waiter ! " roared he ; " you 
 man in the shirt-sleeves ! " added he, hollaing to the land- 
 lord, who, coatless, had come in with a basket to gather 
 the empty bottles ; " fatch in a dozen of your strongest 
 military port, and let me have the 'ealth of my ball drank 
 as it ought to be." 
 
 " Ay ! " roared Pigg ; " and fetch me a bottle o' roum ! " 
 adding, " wine's o'er strang for mar stommack." 
 
 " Yes, sir," exclaimed the landlord, hurrying off to execute 
 the order, or as much of it as the state of his cellar would 
 allow. 
 
 Presently the drawing of corks was heard, and the bottles 
 began to be scattered down the table ; Pigg's rum, too, 
 made its appearance ; and master and man seeing to the 
 charging of their friends, the bull's health was drunk amidst 
 tremendous applause.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 321 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks then tried to let off the speech he spoke of 
 as having prepared, but the day was too far gone, and it 
 hung fire ; so after a few unsuccessful efforts, he resumed 
 his seat amidst loud cheers. The Chairman having proposed 
 " The health of the gentlemen who had so ably performed 
 the difficult and delicate duty of awarding the premiums," 
 as also " The health of the Secretary and Committee of 
 Management," shortly after withdrew ; and, on the motion 
 of Mr. Nobody, Mr. Jorrocks took the chair Pigg placing 
 himself as vice. 
 
 " The health of the bull " was then drunk again, Mr. 
 Jorrocks ordering the necessary supplies, and returning 
 thanks as before. Many other toasts followed. 
 
 Captain Bluster at last rose to propose Mr. Jorrocks's 
 health in another capacity, namely, that of a magistrate. 
 The Captain's articulation was now rather thick, and he 
 spoke as if his tongue were a size too large for his mouth ; 
 his eyes, too, looked glassy and queer. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks again rose to return thanks, labouring as 
 he was under the influence of his old friend the hiccup. 
 
 " Captain (hiccup) Bluster, and (hiccup) gen'lmen," said 
 he, rising, and lurching considerably as he attempted to take 
 hold of his glass, " this is the proudest (hiccup) moment of 
 my (hiccup) life. (Cheers.) I feel considerably obligated to 
 my friend the (hiccup) Captain for the considerable (hiccup) 
 compliments he has (hiccup) paid me as a beak. I believe 
 I may say that there is not a more (hiccup) independent one 
 on the (hiccup) bench. Some, p'raps, may know a little 
 more (hiccup) law, more (hiccup) Coke upon (hiccup) Little- 
 ton (hiccup), pig upon (hiccup) bacon, or whatever you call 
 the (hiccup) thing ; but for real substantial (hiccup) jastice 
 such as our (hiccup) forefathers used to (hiccup) out, there 
 is none like John (hiccup) Jorrocks. Before I (hiccup) 
 down," continued he, looking very wise, " let me propose a 
 (hiccup) toast, the health of a (hiccup) gen'lman second 
 only to (hiccup) "Wellington in arms, and (hiccup) Lyndhurst 
 in law my (hiccup) friend Captain (hiccup) Bluster; I 
 dare say (hiccup) Waterloo was as much gained by him 
 (hiccup) as by any (hiccup) else. ' Captain Bluster's good 
 
 x
 
 322 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 (hiccup) health/ " concluded Mr. Jorrocks, draining his 
 glass preparatory to resuming what he thought was his seat, 
 but in reality a vacuum, which had the effect of sending 
 him neck and croup through the back of the tent, just as a 
 clown disappears in a pantomime. 
 
 " God sink ! t'ard man '11 be lamin' hissel ! " exclaimed 
 Pigg, jumping up as he saw his master's heels disappear 
 above the level of the table.
 
 ( 3^3 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 1 Oh, cruel was the justice that took my love from me." 
 
 have to apologise to our, or Mr. Jorrocks's 
 noble friend, the Marquis of Bray, for the very 
 unceremonious way we have left him during 
 the last three chapters, dripping in his woman's 
 attire over Mrs. Flather's fire, after the fair Emma dis- 
 appeared on the announcement of who he was. It is difficult, 
 in novel-writing, to drive the two parts of the story (into 
 which all orthodox three-volume ones should be divided) 
 like phaeton horses, and prevent one part outstepping the 
 other, and at this point our farmer friend has shot con- 
 siderably ahead of the ladies. We have got them no further 
 than where the Marquis of Bray becomes the unconscious 
 guest of the equally unconscious Mrs. Flather, after his 
 midnight ramble on escaping from Mr. Heavytail's harvest- 
 home ball, whither he had been seduced by the Cockney 
 Highlander, Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 Before Mrs. Flather and the Marquis had got the matter 
 explained, and his lordship removed from the kitchen into 
 the parlour, and the fire resuscitated, the fair Emma returned, 
 very unlike the Emma that had run away. In lieu of the 
 common drawn and frilled nightcap she had on when she 
 left, she appeared in a fine embroidered muslin one, trimmed 
 with Valenciennes lace, and tied with a blue ribbon ; while 
 her swelling bust and rounded figure were well set off by a 
 blue and white foulard wrapping gown, trimmed and tied 
 down the front with blue ribbons, and a cape trimmed with 
 plaiting of the same coloured ribbon, open cotton stockings, 
 and blue velvet slippers, trimmed with swan's down.
 
 3 2 4 IIILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 The Marquis was then invested in the flannel dressing- 
 gown Emma had discarded, in lieu of his drenched and 
 tattered silk, as also a pair of Emma's white worsted stock- 
 ings, and her second-best slippers ; and having got himself 
 tolerably comfortable, Emma and he seated themselves 
 before the now brightly burning fire, while Mrs. Flather 
 fussed for the keys of the cellaret, and drew on a pair of 
 stockings and other little articles of female attire, now 
 rendered more necessary in consequence of the midnight 
 visitor having changed her sex. The fire burnt cheerfully, 
 the room was warm and comfortable, and as the Marquis 
 rolled about in his easy chair by the side of the smiling, 
 pretty Emma, he forgot all the troubles he had passed all 
 the toads, all the sows, all the clowns, all the dogs, all the 
 guns. Emma and he laughed, and smiled, and looked 
 sweet at each other, until Mrs. Flather's propriety could no 
 longer delay appearing with the sherry and water, but she 
 soon took her departure for the purpose of seeing about the 
 Marquis's bed. Emma did her best; she had tact of a 
 certain order, which, if it did not amount to cleverness, was 
 quite enough for an occasion like the present. There is no 
 time, perhaps, when the soft blandishments of the fair sex 
 are more telling than after an exposure to the rude elements 
 out of doors. Cold and passionless as Emma was, she had 
 the art of pleasing, and the animation the incident inspired 
 threw a natural air into her generally studied conduct ; 
 indeed, here there was no occasion for study or calculation. 
 The question was not like one between James Blake and 
 any other of her humbler suitors, where the present state 
 and prospects of each required mature deliberation there 
 was no need of weighing or considering ; the point was to 
 secure the Marquis, and that too as quickly as possible. 
 She did her utmost ; whatever subject he touched upon she 
 declared her devoted attachment to ; music, painting, poetry, 
 scenery, dancing, all were enthusiastically expatiated upon 
 by her as he severally led them on the tapis, with occasionally 
 little sly exclamations at the extraordinary similarity of their 
 ideas. Mrs. Flather, too, was struck at the coincidence ; 
 and declared, with more zeal than prudence, that they
 
 IIILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 3*5 
 
 " really appeared to be made for each other." The Marquis, 
 however, was not one either to take fright or a hint, and 
 they would have had to press him much closer before he 
 would have understood them, at least in the light they 
 intended. 
 
 Thus they chatted on; the Marquis sipping hot sherry 
 and water, inwardly wishing Mrs. Flather ansmhere but 
 where she was; Emma, too, would gladly haj^plispensed 
 with her common-minded mamma, but, like aMpalf-witted 
 people, Mrs. Flather thought there was no management or 
 ingenuity equal to her own. 
 
 At length, the relentless clock struck 'ope, ' and Mrs. 
 Flather insisted upon the reluctant Emma going to bed, 
 whither she retired with sad misgivings as to what might 
 be the result of her indiscreet parent's Ute-d-Ute with the 
 Marquis, which certain significant looks too plainly intimated 
 she meant to have. Mrs. Flather was far too eager, plain- 
 spoken, and matter-of-fact, for her delicate daughter's re- 
 finement, though their objects were always the same, viz., 
 to get a good match if they could. 
 
 "Well," observed Mrs. Flather, with one of her half- 
 cunning simpers, when she heard Emma's slowly retiring 
 footsteps die out on the landing, after receiving a parting 
 squeeze of the hand from the Marquis as he bid her good 
 night " well, Emma and you seem to get on uncommonly 
 well to-night," said she. 
 
 " Very well," replied the Marquis, running his fingers 
 through his dishevelled curls " she's a very fine girl." 
 
 " She will be," observed Mrs. Flather " wants taking 
 out a little ; she's very shy." 
 
 The Marquis thought "middling," but that he kept to 
 himself. 
 
 " To be sure she seems less shy with you," simpered Mrs. 
 Flather ; " indeed, I never saw any young man she seemed 
 more more more at home with than she does with you." 
 
 Mrs. Flather rather bungled that sentence ; she forgot 
 she was not talking to one of Emma's commonplace sweet-
 
 326 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 hearts, and she felt the words " young man " were not 
 exactly those she ought to have made use of. 
 
 The Marquis smiled and bowed a very convenient course 
 when people don't know exactly what to say. 
 
 " She's very amiable," observed Mrs. Flather, rather posed 
 for want of an answer to the last observation. 
 
 " I'm sure she is," replied the Marquis. " She looks 
 it all." 
 
 " She'll be a great loss to me/' sighed Mrs. Flather, 
 anxious to sustain the loss. 
 
 The Marquis hemmed assent. 
 
 " JEL^ever, I must put up with it as best I can," added 
 she, still simpering and driving to her point. 
 
 "You could not expect to keep so pretty a girl long," 
 replied the Marquis with a yawn, for he had had about 
 enough of the old girl, and wanted to be off to bed. 
 
 " Oh, your lordship flatters," simpered Mrs. Flather. 
 " However, I must only think of her happiness. Of that 
 I am sure there can be no doubt," added she, casting a 
 most motherly eye on the Marquis. 
 
 " I hope not, I'm sure," said he, finishing his sherry and 
 water, and looking at his diminutive watch. " Bless me ! 
 but I'm keeping you up a most unconscionable time," ex- 
 claimed he, as he saw it was a quarter-past one ; adding, 
 " I had no idea it was so late." 
 
 Mrs. Flather in vain pressed the sherry and water upon 
 him, in hopes of getting him to the point in the course of 
 another glass ; but the Marquis was on his legs and resolute, 
 and she at length most reluctantly rang for candles, and 
 showed him to his room. 
 
 She then repaired to Emma, who was sitting in an agony 
 of suspense, figuring to herself all sorts of gaucheries being 
 committed by her zealous but indiscreet parent. 
 
 Meanwhile the Marquis curled himself up in his bed, 
 congratulating himself that he had not had to pass the night 
 under a hedge. 
 
 Mother and daughter then talked the matter anxiously 
 over, each being most desirous of taking the management 
 alone ; Emma thinking she could do much better than Mrs.
 
 IIILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 327 
 
 Flatter, who insisted that no person could manage these 
 matters so well as herself. 
 
 The result of these deliberations will presently appear. 
 
 A nice neat breakfast welcomed the Marquis in the morning, 
 to which he sat down with the increased comfort of being 
 in his own clothes. His valet had been sent for from Mr. Jor- 
 rocks's, and arrived with the magnificent dressing-case, and 
 all the paraphernalia of dandyism brushes by the dozen, 
 combs by the score, powders, perfumes, washes, oils, essences, 
 and extracts ; while the staple of his costume -coats, waist- 
 coats, trousers, &c. were supplied in equal profusion. 
 
 He came down uncommonly smart ; his well-waxed 
 ringlets dangled over each ear from the division of his hair 
 up the centre of his head ; an immense pearl pin fastened 
 the folding ends of a lilac satin scarf with white flowers, 
 filling the full rolling collar of his waistcoat, and almost 
 concealing the elaborate workmanship of his shirt front ; 
 he wore a bright mulberry-coloured frock-coat, with almost 
 white kerseymere trousers, and very thin patent leather boots. 
 
 Emma's toilet was of the happiest order neat, simple, 
 and well put on. Her glossy hair, worn in the Madonna style, 
 was confined by a sweet little cap scarcely coming over the 
 parting place of the hair and ornamented with sprigs of 
 forget-me-not, imparting a little of their blueness to the 
 paler colour of her eyes ; while her alabaster complexion 
 gained a slight tinge from the pink ribbons with which the 
 cap was made up. Her healthy cherry lips and pearly teeth 
 accorded with the general freshness of her morning air. 
 Late hours had made no inroads on Emma ; on the contrary, 
 there was the full glow of country health without its coarse- 
 ness. . But we have forgot the lady's dress. It was a 
 checked white muslin, well washed, well starched, and well 
 set out, fastened down the front with pink ribbons. Her 
 petticoats were of a rational length, instead of trailing an 
 inch or two on the ground, and showed the symmetry of her 
 well-turned feet and ankles. 
 
 Mrs. Flather was too good a manager to lose the advantage
 
 328 HILLIXGDCXN" HALL. 
 
 of a Ute-a-tete between Emma and the Marquis ; indeed, 
 the whole arrangement had been made during the night. 
 Accordingly, when Mrs. Flather heard his bedroom door 
 close as he vacated his dormitory, she quietly slipped out 
 of the parlour, and went to superintend the toasting and 
 buttering in the kitchen. The Marquis, like all youths of 
 his age, was delighted at finding the fair Emma alone, 
 looking so fresh and blooming, exhibiting such a contrast 
 to the pale and haggard features of a hackneyed London 
 belle at breakfast time. Moreover, the absence of competi- 
 tion and rivalry was greatly in Emma's favour, hiding or 
 softening any little coarseness of figure, and bringing the 
 more captivating points prominently forward. She was a 
 fine-looking girl at all times, but only a beauty when alone. 
 One often sees these sort of girls in the country ; girls that 
 rustics rave about, and whom some practised eyes really 
 think something of, but who sink into utter and irretrievable 
 insignificance the moment they enter the competition of a 
 London room. 
 
 " Good morning, my dear Miss Flather," said the Marquis, 
 advancing gaily towards Emma, who had just begun fussing 
 among her myrtles and geraniums before the window, in 
 order to be found busy among her flowers as the Marquis 
 entered. " Good morning," repeated he, extending his hand, 
 and squeezing Emma's with a considerable degree of em- 
 pressement. Emma smiled bewitchingly, as she accepted the 
 proffered hand, displaying her beautiful pearly teeth, and 
 establishing a couple of little dimples on her cheeks. 
 
 " And how do you find yourself this morning after your 
 night's adventures ? " inquired Emma, throwing all the 
 enthusiasm she could muster into her eyes. 
 
 " Oh dear ! " exclaimed the Marquis, shuddering, " don't 
 mention it ; I wouldn't have last night's performance repeated 
 for the world. Fancy wandering about the country all night, 
 getting shot at for a robber, or worried by sheep-dogs. I 
 do wonder what pleasure that extraordinary old man sees 
 in these sort of devilries" 
 
 " He is a curiosity," laughed Emma, anxious to have a 
 cut at old Jorrocks, but afraid to lead the charge.
 
 HILLLNGD03" HALL. 329 
 
 " He's a good old fellow, too," rejoined the Marquis, " but 
 really, to see a man at his time of life playing such pranks 
 is rather extraordinary. However, he will not get me to 
 accompany him again." 
 
 " I should think not," observed Emma, smiling sweetly. 
 
 " And yet," continued the Marquis, " I ought not to find 
 fault with the old fool, since it procures me the pleasure of 
 your society." 
 
 " Oh ! " replied Emma, " that is a pleasure, perhaps, you 
 would as soon have dispensed with." 
 
 " Indeed, no ! " exclaimed the Marquis, seizing her reced- 
 ing hand. " I assure you the charm of this interview out- 
 weighs all the over-night ddsagrdmens" 
 
 " You flatter me," faltered Emma, with a sigh. 
 
 " Don't say that" rejoined the Marquis, still keeping and 
 pressing the slightly withdrawing hand. 
 
 His lordship then kissed it, and Emma flattered herself 
 she was a marchioness. 
 
 "You must cause sad devastation among the country 
 swells in these parts," observed the Marquis, eyeing Emma's 
 fair alabaster complexion, now tinged with the slightest 
 possible pink. 
 
 " Me ! " exclaimed Emma. " Oh no. Indeed, I know 
 nothing of anybody about here." 
 
 " You know the Jorrockses, at all events," observed the 
 Marquis. 
 
 " Oh, I thought you meant young men," replied Emma. 
 " Of course I know the Jorrockses," added she. 
 
 " You don't mean to say you've no admirers ? " observed 
 the Marquis, eyeing Emma with an air of incredulity. 
 
 " Why, as to admirers," replied Emma, with a toss of her 
 head, " I don't mean to say that there are not those who are 
 kind enough to think flatteringly of me ; but I'm quite sure 
 all the admiration is on their side." 
 
 " But all young ladies should have a lover or two," ob- 
 served the Marquis. 
 
 " I'm afraid my ideas difler from your lordship's there," 
 said Emma, slightly bridling up ; "I look upon matrimony 
 as anything but a jesting matter."
 
 330 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " True," replied the Marquis " true ; but matrimony and 
 a little simple flirtation, you know, are different things." 
 
 " I don't approve of flirting," replied Emma, looking grave. 
 
 " But you don't object to admiration," rejoined the 
 Marquis, eyeing her now slightly animated eyes. 
 
 "If it's accompanied with respect," observed the fair 
 Emma. 
 
 "Well, but admiration always precedes love; and you 
 have no objection to the latter, I suppose ? " 
 
 " If the admiration was mutual" replied Emma, casting one 
 of her sweetest looks upon the Marquis ; " but, for my own 
 part, I don't profess to be able to fall in love with anybody." 
 
 " I should think not," said the Marquis, feeling the 
 compliment. 
 
 " My idea is that a person is never really in love but 
 once," observed Emma ; " and so they should be very care- 
 ful not to misplace their affections," a favourite assertion 
 with ladies angling for offers. 
 
 " And has your once not come yet ? " asked the Marquis. 
 
 Emma blushed slightly, and hung her head whether 
 conscience-stricken, or in hopes, we cannot say. 
 
 " He'll be a happy man who gains that victory," said the 
 Marquis, taking her hand and squeezing it as before a 
 proceeding that, we are shocked to say, Emma slightly 
 returned. 
 
 The Marquis then put his arm round her waist, and 
 gave her a kiss such a kiss as sounded along the passage, 
 and startled the boy in buttons, who was coming along with 
 the breakfast- tray. 
 
 " There'll be white ribbons for me," said he to himself, 
 tripping against the low step leading into the room, and 
 landing head-foremost among the contents of the tray, with 
 his cheek in a preserve-plate. Great was the crash ! 
 
 It brought Mrs. Flather in an instant from her neigh- 
 bouring ambush, where she had been forming all sorts of 
 anticipations as to what might be going on in the parlour. 
 The downfall of the best crockery, however, is more than 
 female nerves can withstand, and she was on the spot 
 almost before the boy had gathered himself up. Lucky for
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 331 
 
 him that the Marquis was there, otherwise she would have 
 visited the unpreserved side of his face with a hearty slap. 
 As it was, she said, with an ominous shake of her head, 
 " You stooipid boy ! " and then proceeded to greet her 
 intended son-in-law with as little unconcern as she could 
 muster under the circumstances. Fortunately for all parties 
 there was not much damage done. Two swans had been 
 ejected from the butter-boat without injury to the vessel 
 itself, the cream ewer had been upset over a currant-cake, 
 while some bread and butter had coalesced with a saucer of 
 marmalade. The eggs and dry toast had escaped. 
 
 The mischief was soon repaired, and mother, daughter, 
 and Marquis were presently at their morning meal. Tea 
 and coffee, butter and eggs, then occupied their attention for 
 some time. During the repast, however, Emma managed to 
 convey, by signs, to her mother that the Marquis had still not 
 come to book ; and, by previous arrangement, Emma retired 
 a little while after breakfast, leaving his lordship in the skilful 
 hands of her mother. The old lady presently began screwing 
 herself up for action ; and again commenced with the old 
 question How he got on with Emma? 
 
 " Oh, very well," replied the Marquis. " She's a very 
 fine girl," added he. 
 
 " She'll improve," again observed Mrs. Flather. " She 
 wants taking out a little lost here no suitable companions 
 for her." 
 
 " A London milliner would brush her up," rejoined the 
 Marquis. 
 
 " Oh dear, yes," replied Mrs. Flather ; " make her quite 
 a different person." 
 
 " No doubt," said the Marquis. 
 
 " And what does the Duke think of her ? " asked Mrs. 
 Flather, after a pause, during which she determined to go to 
 her point. 
 
 " Oh, my pa thinks very highly of her, I assure you," 
 replied the Marquis. 
 
 " And the Duchess what does she say ? "
 
 332 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 " Oh, my ma likes her too, uncommonly. It was only 
 the other day she was talking about asking you both to 
 come and stay with us." 
 
 " How very kind ! " exclaimed Mrs. Flather, in ecstasies. 
 
 "You'll come, I hope," observed the Marquis. 
 
 "Indeed, we shall be too happy," replied Mrs. Flather, 
 scarcely able to contain herself. 
 
 " You have not spoken to Emma yet, I suppose," observed 
 Mrs. Flather, very significantly. 
 
 " Not yet," replied the Marquis ; " I thought I'd better 
 hear what you had to say first." 
 
 " Oh, I'm sure you need anticipate no objection on my 
 
 part : on the contrary, every Oh dear f here's that 
 
 horrid old man ! " exclaimed Mrs. Flather, breaking off as 
 she heard a carriage-wheel grinding up to the door, and 
 saw Dickey Cobden's nose poking past the window. What 
 an interruption ! 
 
 It was too late to say "Not at home;" indeed, Mrs. 
 Flather did not know how the Marquis might like to have 
 his old friend denied. She was, therefore, again doomed to 
 sit on thorns, while the following dialogue sounded through 
 the thin partition wall of the passage into the room ; the 
 Marquis sitting listening and laughing as it proceeded. 
 
 "Now, young man," said Mr. Jorrocks to the boy in 
 buttons, as the latter replied to the lusty pull our Squire 
 gave the bell. " Now, young man," repeated he, " take off 
 your glove and take this 'ere book in your right 'and." 
 
 " The glove is off," replied the boy sulkily. 
 
 "Then you've got a werry dirty paw," observed Mr. Jor- 
 rocks. " Howsomever, take this 'ere book in it, and listen 
 to wot I've got to say to you." 
 
 " Yes, sir," grunted the boy. 
 
 " You swear that you will true answer make to all sich 
 questions as I shall ax on you : you shall speak the truth, 
 the 'ole truth, and nothin' but the truth, so 'elp you God ! 
 Kiss the book." 
 
 The boy kissed it.
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 333 
 
 " Now, young man," continued he, taking back the book, 
 " you're on your oath, and mind you speak the truth, other- 
 wise I'll I'll make a present on you to General Tom 
 Thumb : is your missis at 'orne ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir," replied the boy. 
 
 " And is the Markis 'ere ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir," replied the boy. 
 
 " Then you go in and say Mr. Jorrocks is 'ere Mr. 
 Jastice Jorrocks, in fact and then you come back and 'old 
 my quadruped." 
 
 Presently the boy returned with Mrs. Flather's com- 
 pliments, and she begged Mr. Jorrocks would walk in ; 
 whereupon our friend alighted from his fire-engine, and left 
 it in charge of the boy. Mr. Jorrocks then rolled in, in his 
 usual free-and-easy way, upsetting all Mrs. Flather's and 
 Emma's arrangements, and finally carried off the Marquis 
 before their eyes.
 
 ( 334 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 " Old age laments his vigour spent." SOMERVILLE. 
 
 dinna want ne hunds, ar's warned ? " said Pigg, 
 popping his head into his master's sanctum, 
 where the worthy Justice was busy hammering 
 away at his Journal of General Genius. 
 
 " No vot, James ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks, scarcely look- 
 ing up. 
 
 " Ye dinna want ne hunds, ar's warned ? " repeated Pigg ; 
 " harriers, that's te say ? " 
 
 " 'Arriers ! not I," replied Mr. Jorrocks. " Yy do 
 you ax ? " 
 
 " Why, here's a man o' mar acquentance has getten five 
 couple of uncommon nice 'uns at the door beagles, that's to 
 say, and he nabbut wants five pund for them." 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks ; " vot should I want 
 with beagles ? " 
 
 " Ah ! hunt hares with them, to be sure grand divarsion ; 
 ye like hare-soup, ar's warned." 
 
 "Vy, 'are-soup's worry pleasant," replied Mr. Jorrocks. 
 " But I can buy an 'are for half-a-crown, what will make as 
 much soup as will serve me and Mrs. J. five days." 
 
 " Ay, but ye dinna get the exercise, the divarsion, ye ken. 
 Sink, ye'll be gettin' o'er fat." 
 
 " 'Ang the exercise ; I'm an exercisin' of my intellect 
 my mental faculties," replied Mr. Jorrocks. " See," said 
 he, holding up a pile of manuscript ; " see wot a heap o' 
 matter I've got for my Journal o' General Genius." 
 
 "Hoot ye, and yer larnin' ! " exclaimed Pigg; "ye'll 
 never de ne good that way, it's nabbut wastin' paper."
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 335 
 
 " Is it though?" replied Mr. Jorrocks, with a look as 
 much as to say, " you know nothing about it." " This is to 
 teach farmers 'ow to farm, beaks 'ow to do jastice, fox- 
 'unters 'ow to feed and ride their 'osses 'old the mirror 
 up to natur, as it were, show wirtue its own featurs, wice 
 its own form, and all that sort o' thing," concluded our 
 worthy friend, not being able to finish the quotation. 
 
 " Why, why," said Pigg impatiently, " ar'll tell mar 
 frind he needn't stop wi' his dogs. Ar see thou'll just stuff 
 and eat and write on till thou dees of apperplexy." 
 
 " I hopes not," replied Mr. Jorrocks, starting up in alarm. 
 
 "But thou will," replied Pigg, "if thou doesn't take 
 mair exercise." 
 
 " Exercise ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks ; " arn't I always 
 on the move, either ridin' Dickey Cobden, or drivin' him, 
 or quiltin' him, of which he takes an uncommon quantity ? " 
 
 "Ay, but that's ne exercise for a man that eats and 
 drinks as ye de : ham collops and eggs for breakfast, roast 
 beef and plutn-puddin' for dinner, with a quart of wine 
 after it, and a hot supper again at bed-time. Sink, ye 
 should shake yourself up with a hont; thou'll dee to a 
 certainty if thou doesn't." 
 
 " Don't talk that way, James Pigg ; don't talk that way," 
 interrupted Mr. Jorrocks, looking down at his plummy legs, 
 the calves of which appeared rather too large for his Hessian 
 boots. " I'm no fatter nor I was," added he, nipping his 
 waist with both hands. 
 
 " Deed but thou is ; thou'll be seventeen stone, if thou's 
 a pund." 
 
 " Nonsense, Pigg, nonsense ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks snap- 
 pishly. "Well, tell your friend I'm busy just now, and 
 take him into the kitchen, and give him a run at the wittles 
 summut to eat and drink, you know ; and by the time 
 he's done, I'll have got through my papers, and shall be 
 able to speak to him," continued our friend, turning his 
 papers, so as to give Pigg a hint to retire. 
 
 " Cuss that Pigg's imperence," observed Mr. Jorrocks to
 
 336 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 himself, rising and stalking up and down the little room 
 a few times. " Fat indeed ! " continued he ; " apoplexy, 
 indeed ! I likes that." Saying which, our friend brought 
 up before the little looking-glass against the wall, and pro- 
 ceeded to examine his features. " Nonsense ! " exclaimed 
 he, after a short survey ; " doesn't look a bit older nor I 
 did twenty years ago, may be a leetle stouter," added he, 
 tapping his stomach, " but, as to seventeen stone, that's 
 quite out o' the question." 
 
 Pigg, however, had frightened Mr. Jorrocks. Our fat 
 friend had felt himself not quite the man he was, and he 
 feared, from Pigg's telling him. of it, it must be more 
 apparent than he imagined. Mr. Jorrocks was still rather 
 conceited about his looks. Our friend threw himself into 
 his arm-chair, and thought the matter over. 
 
 " Strong exercise is a great promoter o' health," observed 
 he to himself at length, rising and ringing the bell. 
 " Somehow, I felt a deal better atter the race with the 
 'oss-stealer at least, I should if it hadn't been the wrench 
 I got in my back from the un'andsome trick they played me 
 in pullin' of my seat out from an under me. Tell Pigg I 
 want him," said he to Benjamin, who now answered the 
 summons. 
 
 " I think you said somethin' about there bein' a man 
 here with some 'ounds," observed Mr. Jorrocks, as Pigg 
 made his appearance. 
 
 " Think ! " exclaimed Pigg ; " why, didn't ar tell ye as 
 plain as ar could speak that there was an acquentance o' 
 mine here with some ? " 
 
 " Possibly you might," replied Mr. Jorrocks ; " possibly 
 you might. I was werry busy at the time, arrangin' the 
 Journal o' General Genius. Are they fox'ounds?" in- 
 quired he. 
 
 " Foxhunds ! No ; harriers beagles, that's to say." 
 
 " Beagles ! " repeated Mr. Jorrocks ; " quite little things 
 in fact. I doesn't know wot to say about beagles. Be
 
 HALL. 337 
 
 rayther infra dig., wouldn't it ? " asked he, eyeing his 
 factotum. 
 
 " Infra what ? " exclaimed Pigg. 
 
 " Infra digniiate" stammered out Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Why, ivery man to his pretension," replied Pigg ; " but, 
 for mar pairt, ar should say hontin' was far finer fun nor 
 diggin' taties." 
 
 " Ah, you misunderstand me, I see," observed Mr. Jor- 
 rocks ; "I mean to say that it will hardly do for an ex- 
 ' M.F.H.' to keep 'arriers." 
 
 " Hoots, ye and your X. ' M.F.H.'s ! ' A hont's a hont. 
 Call them mine, if you like. Sink, ar wonder what mar 
 cousin Deavilboger wad say, to hear tell ar'd set up a pack 
 o' hunds ! See Mr. Pigg's hunds in the papers ! " 
 
 " That would be a go ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Yer tied to have a pack," observed Pigg, interrupting a 
 reverie into which his master had fallen. " What the devil 
 are ye to de with yoursel' all the winter ? Ye canna gan 
 glowering about the country with your bull, makin' fond 
 speeches at fairs, and ye say the birds winna wait for you 
 to shut them ye'll get as fat as a bullock ! " 
 
 " Let's see the 'ounds," observed Mr. Jorrocks, getting his 
 hat, desirous of putting an end to so uncomplimentary a 
 conversation. 
 
 " Come this way," replied Pigg, leading the way, " ar's 
 getten them in the stable." 
 
 " Here, Jovey," exclaimed Pigg to his acquaintance, who 
 was taking his ease in the kitchen. "T'ard Squire wants 
 to see hunds." 
 
 Forth sallied a very dog-stealer-looking fellow, clad in a 
 very greasy-collared cut-away brown coat with fancy buttons, 
 tartan waistcoat, drab breeches, and square-toed legginga 
 buttoning over the knee-cap, and thick shoes. 
 
 "Your servant, sir," said he, ducking a thick, black, 
 curly head, surmounting a copper-coloured face, to Mr. 
 Jorrocks.
 
 33 8 HILLINGDON HALL 
 
 The hounds were a most primitive lot. A couple of bluo 
 mottled beagles, a couple and a half of black-and-tan 
 harriers, a couple of large, yellow, twenty-inch, Cumberland 
 drag-hounds, with docked sterns, and a couple and a half of 
 long-backed, long-eared, dew-lapped, crooked-legged southern 
 hounds, that could run under the bellies of the drag-hounds. 
 
 " My vig ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, as they poured out 
 of the stable, and the southern hounds set up a howl that 
 seemed well calculated to last for ever. The harriers frisked 
 about, and one of the drag-hounds dashed at a turkey-cock, 
 and very nearly got him down. 
 
 " Steady there ! " cried Jovey, running to the rescue, and 
 giving Bouncer a tremendous crack with the couples. " Ay, 
 but ye should see them hont ! " cried he to Pigg, anxious for 
 the credit of the establishment. 
 
 " Five pounds ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks ; " vy, they're 
 only fit to put under a pear-tree." 
 
 "Ar'll put saddle on t'ard nag," said Pigg, without 
 noticing his master's observation, " and ye can ride up t' fell, 
 and see sport like ; ar kens where there's a hare sittin.' " 
 
 " Veil," said Mr. Jorrocks aloud to himself, " I can go 
 and see the fun at all events ; looking costs nothin' ; but I 
 shouldn't like the editor o' BelVs Life or none o' the sportin' 
 perihodicals to see me." So saying, our friend was quickly 
 on Dickey Cobden, and set off by the road for the high 
 ground, while Pigg and his " acquentance," with the motley 
 pack at their heels, took the short cut through the fields. 
 
 It was a fine autumnal day, moist, without much sun- 
 shine. The cobwebs hung upon the bushes, and the heavy 
 night dew remained in full force where the sun had not 
 touched. 
 
 " Shouldn't wonder if there's a scent," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, looking at the dew under the wall. 
 
 On oar friend rode, gradually rising the high hill on the 
 south side of the valley, above the village of Hillingdon, the 
 enclosures getting larger and larger, as he approached the 
 table-land of the summit, which had lately been heathery 
 common, and was divided into those great fields that 
 generally denote recent enclosure. Mr. Jorrocks stopped to
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 339 
 
 puff as he gained the summit of the hill, under the usual 
 " corpulent gentleman's " excuse of admiring the landscape. 
 It was a fine prospect too. The silvery thread of the spark- 
 ling river wound among well-wooded banks, whose trees 
 were now diversified with all the rich autumnal tints. The 
 river separated fertile pastures of alluvial soil, mingled with 
 the bright-coloured stubble and rich green turnip fields. 
 The country was thrown into sudden undulating hills, dis- 
 playing the rude grey stone rocks on the summits of those 
 that were not capped with plantations or forest trees. 
 
 "Now," said Pigg, coming up with Jovey and the motley 
 pack, " here's a grand country for a hont. Sink, ar believe 
 we may trail up tiv her," added he, dashing the dew from 
 the heath with his foot. " Which is your finder now ? " 
 asked he of his friend. 
 
 " This yean," replied Jovey, pointing to a little fat blue- 
 mottled bitch, with very bright prominent gazelle sort of 
 eyes, looking more like a dowager's lap-dog than a hound. 
 
 " What de ye call her ? " asked Pigg. 
 
 " Trusty," replied his friend ; adding, " yooi Trusty, good 
 bitch." 
 
 Trusty acknowledged the compliment by wagging her fat 
 stern. 
 
 " Then let's uncouple her," said Pigg, " and see if she 
 can make aught of the trail : ar kens where she'll be sitting, 
 but we may as well see if the hunds can tell us." 
 
 Accordingly, the plethoric Trusty was released from one 
 of the dock-tailed drag-hounds, called Tapster, which Jovey 
 kept in the couple by his side. Trusty then began her 
 inquiries. First, she dashed a little semicircle in advance, 
 sniffing and smelling with curious nose at every bit of 
 heather or tufty grass against which the game might have 
 brushed ; Pigg looking on with critical eye, calculating 
 when she was likely to hit it off. Presently Trusty began 
 to feather, but spoke not. 
 
 " Sink, she's been there ! " exclaimed Pigg, eyeing the 
 bitch, and getting forward himself to see if he could prick 
 puss upon a sandy piece of ground formed by the rain 
 washing over a cart track.
 
 340 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 " Ay, has she," added he, stooping and pricking her. 
 
 Trusty now gave a flourish and a whimper, and then 
 struck forward with a scent and full note. 
 
 " Keep them i' the couples, Jovey," exclaimed Pigg, as 
 Trusty's note drew a deep lengthened howl from the southern 
 hounds, and the dragmen and harriers dashed to get to her. 
 " Sink, ar say, get a haud on 'em ! " added he, as a couple 
 of the southern hounds caught the fat little bitch in the 
 rear, and sent her sprawling neck and croup a few yards in 
 advance. " Sink, ar say, get a haud on 'em ! " added he, 
 " or they'll play the varra deuce with t'ard bitch." 
 
 Pigg ran to Trusty's rescue, who, sadly disconcerted at 
 this uncourteous treatment, lay yelping and sprawling on 
 her back. " Poor thing ! " said Pigg, taking her up in his 
 arms and patting her pretty sleek sides, " did they upset 
 thee ? " asked he, putting her face towards his : " they 
 shanna come nigh thee again though," added he, coaxing 
 her, as he set her down on her legs, saying, as he patted her, 
 " now, canny bitch, try for her again." 
 
 Trusty, however, was sadly disconcerted, and some minutes 
 elapsed before she had sufficiently recovered her composure 
 to proceed with the unravelment of the Gordian knot ot 
 puss's rambles. At last she touched a scent, and, forgetting 
 her grievance, set too again as briskly as ever. Mr. Jorrocks 
 sat on Dickey Cobden, eyeing her critical examinations and 
 bustling movements. 
 
 " Ah, she's a grand bitch ! " exclaimed Pigg ; " she's worth 
 five punds hersel," added he, pointing her to his master. 
 
 "Humph!" grunted Mr. Jorrocks, thinking he'd never 
 give it. 
 
 She now made a wider flourish forward ; and again a 
 whimper, followed by a full note, proclaimed her on the 
 line of the morning scent. 
 
 " She'll be i' yon whin," observed Pigg, in a whisper, to 
 his master, pointing to a patch of gorse on a hillside at a 
 little distance. "Ye keep them great beggars quiet," added 
 he, turning to Jovey, who was well-nigh pulled away by 
 the united exertions of the nine hounds, all striving to get 
 "to cry."
 
 IIILLLNGDON HALL. 341 
 
 On Trusty went, now bustling and flourishing, now 
 stopping and turning to pick puss's trail step by step ; now 
 twisting and bending as she had done whenever a green 
 blade had tempted her out of her way. Pigg was right 
 as to puss's line. Trusty's tender nose led her towards the 
 gorse patch, and Jovey, by Pigg's request, having given 
 the noisy hounds a crack on the head apiece, to keep them 
 quiet, stood while the bitch worked the trail towards it. 
 
 Now she got among the green prickly furze, and sniffed 
 this way and that among the straggling bushes, while Pigg 
 peered in to see if he could detect puss sitting. Now he 
 took his stick and gently divided the bushes, lifting up 
 those that laid low, and poking the grassy tufts in the 
 neighbourhood. No puss. 
 
 "Sink, she's gean on," said he, filling his mouth with 
 tobacco, and eyeing the bitch flourishing outside. " Ar ken 
 where she is, thoogh," continued he, eyeing some brown 
 rushes higher up. " How way ! canny man, how way ! " 
 cried he to his master, waving his arm onwards, "she's oop 
 hill!" 
 
 "Sink, ar sees her!" at length cried he, catching the 
 little bitch up in his arms as she was rolling more noisily 
 and energetically upwards. 
 
 " Vere, James ? Vere ? " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Haud thee gob," said he, " haud thee gob," repeated he, 
 putting his finger to his nose; "ye tak t'ard bitch down 
 to Jovey, and then ye come back and we'll put her away 
 quietly, and lay hunds on after she gets fairly started." 
 So saying, Pigg put Trusty on to Mr. Jorrocks's saddle- 
 pommel, and our worthy Squire trotted down hill with her 
 to Jovey. 
 
 Our friend was quickly back, all anxious for the start. 
 " Vere is she now, James ? " exclaimed he, as with staring
 
 342 HILLINGDOX HALL 
 
 eyeballs he jerked and jagged Dickey Cobden up the hill. 
 " Vere is she, I say?" repeated he, looking all ways but 
 the right. 
 
 " Why, here ! " said Pigg ; " God sink, ye're lookin' half- 
 a-mile off ! " 
 
 " Vere ? " again exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, as wise as 
 before. 
 
 " God Hiss mar soule ! t'ard man must be blind," said 
 Pigg; "why, here she's, just aside ye, not two yards frae 
 your huss's foot." 
 
 " Get off t'ard nag," said Pigg, seeing his master could 
 not catch the place, " and ar'll show ye her," added he, 
 laying hold of Dickey Cobden's bridle. " Now thou sees 
 yon bit rough grass," said Pigg, pointing to a tuft two or 
 three yards in advance. 
 
 " Yes," said Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Why, then, doesn't thou see her great muckle eyes 
 starin' at ye ? " asked Pigg. 
 
 " No," replied Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " No ! " exclaimed Pigg ; " why, thou must be blind. 
 Here, tak mar stick," said he, " and give her a poke," hand- 
 ing Mr. Jorrocks his oaken staff. 
 
 Our friend then went as directed. 
 
 " Touch her ahint," said Pigg, motioning his master 
 which way to use the stick. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks did so, and out puss started. 
 
 " My vig ! there she goes ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, as a 
 great banging hare bounced out before him ; " who'd have 
 thought there was anything but a tuft of grass ? " added 
 he, climbing on to Dickey Cobden to be ready for a start. 
 
 Pigg shaded the sun from his eyes with his hand, while 
 he ran up the hill and watched puss's course. 
 
 " Vy don't you lay on the 'ounds ? " exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, astonished at Pigg's slowness. 
 
 " Let her get cannily away first," said Pigg, running on 
 to the brow of the hill to watch her course. Presently he 
 returned. "Now then, sit quietly there," said he to his
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 343 
 
 master, " while Jovey uncouples the hunds, and we'll just 
 let them take up the scent by theirsels." 
 
 Pigg then went to Jovey, and the motley lot were soon 
 uncoupled, frisking, howling, and towling, according to their 
 respective makes. 
 
 " Gan quietly up hill," said Pigg, " she's away o'er back 
 on it, just past low end of quarry like." 
 
 The drag-hounds dashed forward expecting to be laid on 
 the line ; while the southern hounds, Jingler, Jumper, and 
 Towler, having struck a trail scent, sat on their haunches, 
 proclaiming, with upturned heads to heaven, the grand 
 intelligence, bringing the beagles and harriers to them to 
 confirm their story and partake of the scent. On they went, 
 slow and sure ; now a blue mottle, now a southern ; now a 
 southern, now a blue mottle ; proclaiming, and the rest certi- 
 fying, the truth of the statements. Presently they worked up 
 to puss's form ; and then there was such a rush at it, as if 
 they would eat the very grass of which it was composed. 
 
 " Get them forrard, Jovey," said Pigg, " or, sink them, 
 they'll sing there all day ; and let's put the couples on to 
 them greet yellow hunds, or they'll kill her at view," added 
 he, coaxing one of the dock-tail drag-hounds towards him. 
 
 The pack was now reduced to four couple, of which the 
 black-and-tan harriers seemed inclined to take the lead. They 
 all clustered on the scent, and each hound having satisfied 
 himself that there was no mistake, they dropped their sterns 
 and began to run. 
 
 " Now, they'll gan ! " exclaimed Jovey, eyeing them ; 
 adding, " ah, they're a grand lot ! " 
 
 Forward they went, all in a cluster, much music and little 
 progress ; and just as they swung a cast to assure them- 
 selves that puss had passed a gate, the great drag-hounds 
 broke away from Jovey, and served the pack the same trick 
 with the couples that they had practised upon Trusty. 
 
 " Sink them brutes ! " exclaimed Pigg ; " ar've a good 
 mind to fell them," added he, eyeing the pack scattered and 
 sprawling in all directions. 
 
 " Stop till t'others get o'er the wall," replied Jovey ; 
 " we'll be shot on 'ern then."
 
 344 HILLINGDCXN" HALL. 
 
 Jovey was a true prophet. The hare, after passing the 
 quarry, had struck through a meuse in the wall a little 
 lower down, through which the big hounds could not pass ; 
 and Pigg having fastened the gate as soon as his master 
 got into the field, the great dock-tailed drag-hounds were 
 left yammering, yelping, and jumping, each pulling the 
 other back as he attempted the wall. Puss had taken along 
 the inside of the wall, and the scent being good, the pack 
 lengthened out like a telescope, and away they went at a 
 famous pace, Pigg and Jovey running their best, and Mr. 
 Jorrocks rising in his stirrups, and holding Dickey Cobden 
 hard by the head. 
 
 " Beautiful country ! " exclaimed our friend, casting his 
 eye over the vast enclosures, some fifty, others near a hun- 
 dred acres ; "I'd no idea there was sich a country about 
 'ome," added he. " Hooi, you, sir ! " exclaimed he to a man 
 at plough in the adjoining enclosure ; " run and open me 
 that 'ere gate ! " pointing towards one to which they were 
 fast approaching. 
 
 The man obeyed orders, and Mr. Jorrocks trotted through. 
 The hounds now turned a little to the left, but Mr. Jorrocks 
 seeing a cart track, and knowing that it would lead to a 
 gate or place of exit, preferred keeping his own line to 
 running the risk of being pounded. The next fence was 
 a young quickset one, protected by a rail, over which 
 the hounds quickly scrambled, and then, having passed 
 though a small turnip field near a shepherd's hut, they came 
 to a very high boundary-wall that seemed to present an 
 insuperable barrier to further progress. Mr. Jorrocks ran 
 his eyes up and down the wall, but could see nothing like 
 a gate. It was a long, straight, formal, newly-built thing, 
 with the coping-stone dashed with lime. The hounds could 
 no more get over it than could our friend, and with loud 
 clamour they all threw up. 
 
 " 'Olloo ! you chap with the red tie ! " cried our now 
 puffing friend to a shepherd who had just appeared outside 
 in his cabin; "vy don't ye come and 'elp these ere 'ounds 
 over the wall, and me over the wall?" adding to himself, 
 " or I'll summons you for an assault."
 
 1IILLIXGDOX HALL. 345 
 
 The man came, and pulling up a flag from before a square 
 aperture in the wall, the hounds got through, and casting 
 themselves on the far side, quickly took up the scent again. 
 
 " Yell, but W am I to get over ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks, 
 staring at the man ; adding, " you don't s'pose I can squeeze 
 through there ? " 
 
 " There's no way for you but round by Tommy Miller's," 
 replied the man. 
 
 " 'Ow far's that ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Three-quarters of a mile and better ; just to the right 
 by yonder cottage, see," pointing to a dwelling on the out- 
 line of the hill, up to which the wall ran. 
 
 " Confound it, that's not the way the 'ounds are goin' ! " 
 exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, as he stood erect in his stirrups, and 
 saw them bending to the left, with Pigg and Jovey running 
 inside them. 
 
 "Well, then, there's no way in," replied the man, "till 
 you come to Mr. Coxon's boundary-wall, and the gate's kept 
 locked." 
 
 " 'Ord rot the beggar ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, " I wish 
 he had the padlock on his nose ; was ever sich an uncivilised 
 wall as this seen ? D'ye think I could squeeze through 
 there ? " inquired he, pointing to the place through which 
 the hounds had passed. 
 
 " No doubt," replied the man, " no doubt ; but what will 
 you do with your nag ? " ' 
 
 " Vy, I must leave him with you," replied Mr. Jorrocks, 
 clambering down. " It's only an 'are 'unt, and we'll soon be 
 done ; valk him about quietly till I return, and I'll give you 
 a shillin'," added he. 
 
 So saying, our bulky friend laid flat on the ground, and, 
 heels first, backed and squeezed through the hole in the wall. 
 Up he scrambled, and seeing the hounds rather tying on 
 the scent, and Pigg and Jovey on a neighbouring eminence, 
 Mr. Jorrocks rolled away quite fresh, the tassels of his 
 Hessian boots clattering against his legs as he went. 
 
 " Forrard away ! " cried he, as the hounds settled again 
 to the scent, with all his old hunting energy, and away they 
 all went full cry.
 
 346 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 The enclosure was a large one, but being in grass, and 
 the ground sound, our fat friend made a good fight across 
 it. He was rather blown, however, when he came to the 
 stone wall at the far side ; and after he had lifted Trusty 
 and Towler, who were in a somewhat similar predicament, 
 over, he found he would be better of a little assistance 
 himself. Twice his toes slipped out of the places he 
 attempted to get them in, but a third effort succeeded in 
 landing him on the top, where he sat for a minute eyeing 
 
 the 
 
 " Strange confusion in the vale below," 
 
 and taking breath. 
 
 The hare had run into a brushwood-covered bank, 
 forming one side of a small dell, through which ran a 
 purling brook, and the southern hounds could not satisfy 
 themselves that she had gone on. They made several 
 advances towards the front, where old fat Trusty bustled 
 with the scent, and as often returned to where they had 
 last felt it themselves, as much as to say they did not 
 believe her. 
 
 " Cuss your unbelievin' souls," muttered Mr. Jorrocks to 
 himself, as he sat eyeing their proceedings ; " those psalm- 
 singin' beggars require every step to be sworn to," added he. 
 
 At last one of the black-and-tan harriers carried the 
 scent out on to the fallow across the brook, and putting 
 his head straight down the furrow, went away at a rattling 
 pace across a very rough fallow. 
 
 " By jingo ! they're away again ! " exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, who had not half recovered his wind. 
 
 He slid himself down the side of the wall, to the great 
 damage of the Jorrockian jacket-buttons, and prepared to 
 follow notwithstanding. Patter, patter, patter, went the 
 Hessian boot-tassels blunder, blunder, blunder, went Mr. 
 Jorrocks among the hard clods. Now up, now down ; now 
 along the furrow, now across the ridge. 
 
 " Oh dear ; it's 'ard work ! " said he to himself, before
 
 HILLINGD02T HALL. 347 
 
 lie had got half across the field, and he saw the hounds 
 were running away from him. " Oh dear ! vot a pain I've 
 got in my side ! " added he, stopping, and clapping his hand 
 to his side. 
 
 On again he went, still tripping and stumbling across 
 the fallow, with " bellows to mend " becoming more apparent 
 at every step. 
 
 " Ord rot it, but I can't run as I used," added he, 
 stopping, and clapping his hand to his forehead. 
 
 On again he went, unwilling to give in. A little strip of 
 grass by the wall now rather favoured him, and as he jogged 
 up it he heard the hounds more distinctly, though he had no 
 time for looking. 
 
 " 'Ard work 'unting on foot," gasped he, as he approached 
 the cross wall A projecting stone favoured his footing, 
 and he mounted pretty briskly, just in time to see the 
 hounds bend inward to the left. 
 
 " Thank God, they're a turnin' ! " said he, as he pulled 
 out a great blue-and-white-spotted bandanna, and began 
 mopping his head. 
 
 " How way, canny man ! how way i " holloaed Pigg, 
 waving his hat in the distance for his master to come on. 
 
 "Werry good howwayin'," grunted Mr. Jorrocks; "but 
 we're not all sich 'erring-gutted beggars as you, wot can 
 run all day." However, our friend complied with the 
 request by dropping down the wall, and again started away 
 in a trot. 
 
 It was a very poor one, a mere make-believe, and he 
 would have got on quite as quick in a walk. Patter, patter, 
 patter, still he went, puffing and wheezing, puffing and 
 wheezing. 
 
 A projecting root at last caught his toe, and sent him 
 rolling heavily over on the headland. 
 
 " There's a go ! " said he, turning over, and seeing he 
 had split his drab stockingette tights at the knees, and
 
 34 8 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 crushed his low-crowned hat in. " Veil, can't be 'elped," 
 said he, scrambling up, and adjusting the hat as he went. 
 
 Our friend, however, was beat, and before he got half 
 over the next field he acknowledged it. " Well, it's no 
 use ! " exclaimed he, dropping down into a walk, as he eyed 
 the hounds growing 
 
 " Small by degrees, and beautifully less," 
 
 as they followed each other in long-drawn file up the rising 
 ground in the distance. " It's no use" repeated he, with a 
 melancholy shake of the head. " It's all U.P. with J. J. 
 Ah ! " continued he, " age will tell ! I never thought to come to 
 this" added he, with a deep sigh. " I'm gettin' an old man/' 
 said he, in a low tone, as he laid his hand on the wall to 
 hoist himself up. 
 
 "Veil, I've had a fine time on it," added he, seating 
 himself astride it, for a view ; " werry fine time on it. Deal 
 o' shug ! deal o' barley-shug ! deal o' sugar-candy too ! but 
 my day's gone by. I feels I'm one o' the 'as beens. Melan- 
 choly thought ! " ejaculated he ; " who'd have thought it 
 twenty years ago, or ten ay, or even five, or yet one ? 
 Howsomever, never mind ; care killed the cat ! Dash my 
 vig, I do believe 'ere comes the 'are ! " 
 
 Sure enough it was puss coming lobbing along, inside the 
 wall that joined the one across which our worthy friend was 
 seated. She was coming at an easy listening sort of pace, 
 with her trumpet ears pricked to catch the sound of her 
 pursuers. 
 
 They were a long way behind, and puss knew it 
 
 " Dash my vig, but she's a fine 'un ! " observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, eyeing her white legs, clean fur, and vigorous 
 canter. " Will take the shine out o' Trusty and Co. before 
 she's done, I guess. It can't be the 'unted 'are," continued 
 he, eyeing her fresh appearance, as she sat listening and 
 looking at our fat friend seated astride the wall. Having 
 satisfied her curiosity, puss gave a tremendous jump back- 
 wards, and running her foil a short distance, quietly dis-
 
 HILLIXGDOK HALL. 
 
 349 
 
 appeared through a hedge, a little above where it joined 
 the wall. 
 
 " It is her though ; and yonder come Jovey and Pigg," 
 added Mr. Jorrocks, looking at the two toiling in the 
 distance, with the hounds towling along a little on the left. 
 " 'Ope they've got their nightcaps with them/' observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, eyeing their pace. 
 
 " Which way ? which, way ? " cried Pigg, as soon as he 
 got within hearing. 
 
 " To the left," cried Mr. Jorrocks, waving his hat ; adding, 
 " she's dead beat f" 
 
 " Glad on't, for wor hunds are maist beat tee. And 
 Trusty's run hersel into fits, and Boisterous and Thunderer 
 are baith done," replied Pigg. 
 
 The pack being thus reduced, Pigg and Jovey had to do 
 the work of hounds as well as huntsmen ; keeping a look- 
 out for puss, and pricking her where they could. They had 
 now to run with the hounds, instead of keeping inside them 
 on the high ground. This, however, did not require any 
 great exertion, for the hounds had long settled down into 
 what hackney-coachmen call Parliament pace six miles an 
 hour. 
 
 " They von't ketch her," grunted Mr. Jorrocks to himself, 
 lowering himself down the wall, thinking he might chance 
 to see the finish with so reduced and dribbling a pack. As 
 if to thwart our friend, the hounds took to running as soon 
 as he got established on his legs and had started into an 
 involuntary trot. It was, however, a very short one. The 
 stitch in his side soon returned, and in less than two minutes 
 our old friend was hors de combat. 
 
 " There's an end of my 'unting," said he, dropping on to 
 a large stone and bursting into tears.
 
 ( 350 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 ' Ye generous Britons, venerate the plough." THOMSON. 
 
 JJR wish t'ard man mayn't ha' lost hissel," said Pigg 
 to Jovey, as. after a long-continued effort with 
 the remaining couple of hounds, they at last, 
 gave up the chase of poor puss, and commenced 
 gathering the scattered pack, preparatory to returning home. 
 " Hast seen owt on him ? " continued Pigg, casting his eye 
 over the surrounding country. 
 
 " He was sittin' astride a stone wall the last time I see'd 
 him," replied Jovey. 
 
 "Ay, but he came away after that," replied Pigg; "ar 
 see'd him blunderin' o'er the fallow below, makin' after the 
 hunds as it were. Ah dear! ar wish he mayn't ha' lamed 
 hissel, or happen'd a misfortin," observed Pigg anxiously ; 
 adding, " sink, he's 'ardly fit to be trusted frae heam by 
 hisseL" 
 
 " Is he a very old gentleman ? " asked Jovey. 
 
 " Why, no, he's not se ard," replied Pigg, " but he's se 
 daft he's lived i' great towns all his life, and he thinks to 
 see gas-lights and poliss stuck all about the country. Let's 
 call hunds together, and, maybe, while we're callin' them 
 he may cast up ; " so saying, Jovey and Pigg got on to an 
 eminence and began halloaing " Cop, come away ! cop, 
 come away ! cop, hunds, cop ! Here Trusty, here Jumper ! 
 cop Jumper ! cop Jingler ! evooy, evooy, hunds, evooy ! " 
 being a corruption of the words " here away, away hounds, 
 away." 
 
 The hounds came slowly crawling to halloo, from different 
 parts ; and, after half-an-hour spent in this way, our sports-
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 351 
 
 men had scraped three couple and a half together, and, no 
 more appearing likely to cast up, Pigg proposed that Jovey 
 should take one route, and he another, and try to recover 
 Mr. Jorrocks and the rest. " Ye tak dogs wi' ye," said 
 Pigg, " and gan round yon way," waving his arm to the 
 left, " and keep halloain' as ye can, and see," added he, 
 " and keep an eye on the grund, and try to prick t'ard 
 Squire by the heels ; he's getten a pair o' Jemmy London 
 bouts on, wi' small taper heels, that gan a lang way into 
 the grund, and, if ye keep a sharp look-out, ye may chance 
 to come upon him by the track ; " so saying, Pigg gave such 
 of the hounds as seemed inclined to follow him a kick, and 
 Jovey, by dint of coaxing, got them away after him. 
 
 " Ar wonder what's getten t'ard man," said Pigg to him- 
 self, striding along, looking in all directions, and taking an 
 occasional peep at the ground to see if he could prick Mr. 
 Jorrocks by the heels. " He'd niver gan heam," said he to 
 himself, " as long as hunds could run, surely, and yet there's 
 nout to see on him. Ar'll clim this hill, for ar really think 
 he mun ha' happen'd a misfortin ; " so saying, Pigg legged 
 it up the hill as though he were just turning out fresh for 
 the day. 
 
 " Tender's t'ard nag," said he, as he reached the top and 
 saw Dickey Cobden in the distance, pacing slowly up and 
 down, in charge of the shepherd. " Where can t'ard Squire 
 ha' getten ? Sink, he mun ha' happen'd a misfortin ! " 
 added he, as broken legs and collar-bones flashed across his 
 mind. " He's safe enough afoot, though," continued Pigg, 
 recollecting himself ; " he may ha' brust hissel or died of 
 apperplexy, though," added he, as the prophecy of the 
 morning returned to his recollection. 
 
 Pigg was in a great stew he ran here and there, stood 
 on walls, and climbed every eminence that commanded the 
 surrounding country, and, like most people in a pucker, cast 
 far away, and never thought of looking near home. The 
 consequence was that Mr. Jorrocks, who had ensconced 
 himself amid a group of projecting rocks, at the top of
 
 352 HILLLNGDON HALL. 
 
 a narrow dell, with which the country abounded, was wholly 
 overlooked by James Pigg. 
 
 " Sink, is yon a corby ? " said Pigg to himself, as Mr. 
 Jorrocks's hat moved above the top of the stones. 
 
 " Hup, hawway ! hup ! hup ! " shouted Pigg, knocking 
 his stick against a stone to try and frighten the bird. Mr. 
 Jorrocks then popped his great red face over the rocks, to 
 the great joy and astonishment of his man. 
 
 " God sink, if there bain't his ard mug poppin' over the 
 stean ! " exclaimed Pigg, starting off at full speed down hill 
 to the place. 
 
 " Why, canny man," said he, rushing breathless to the 
 spot, " we'd ha' thought that was ye ? Sink, ar've been 
 lookin' for ye all o'er, and took thy hat for a corby ! Gin 
 ar'd had mar gon, there's ne sayin' but ar'd a shot thee. 
 But what's happened ? " continued he ; " thou's not lamed 
 thysel, hast thou?" continued Pigg, eyeing his master's 
 melancholy countenance. 
 
 " Vy, no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " not exactly, at least ; 
 I've had a bad fall, though," added he, pointing to his 
 breeches' knees. 
 
 " 'Deed, has thou ? " said Pigg, eyeing Mr. Jorrocks's 
 legs ; " broken thy knees, I declare. Why, that is a bad 
 job ; however, they'll mend ; but, ah dear, thou's het ! " 
 added Pigg ; " thy face looks just as though it had been 
 blow'd red hot in a furnace. Ar's warn'd thou's tired," 
 adde-rfl he, " thou's not made for runnin' ; bide where thou is, 
 and ar'll fetch t'ard nag to carry ye hame." 
 
 " Oh, I can valk to the nag well enough," replied Mr. 
 Jorrocks, starting up, unwilling that Pigg should know the 
 extent of his failure. 
 
 " Why ! why ! " said Pigg, " walk if ye like ; but ar kens 
 where t'ard nag is, and ar could seun get him for thee. Ah, 
 but we've had a grand hont ! " added he, wiping the tobacco 
 streams from his mouth with his sleeve.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 353 
 
 " 'Ave you killed her ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks, with a spice 
 of his old ardour. 
 
 " Why, noo" drawled Pigg, " we didn't kill her, somehow ; 
 but that's all the better, ye ken she'll mak a grand hont 
 another day." 
 
 " Another day, indeed ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks, " I should 
 think one was enough." 
 
 " Ay, but thou mun hont, if it's nabbut te keep thysel out 
 o' mischief," replied Pigg ; " grand exercise de ye far mair 
 good nor farmin'." 
 
 " But it von't be so profitable," observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 with a shake of his head, as he trailed slowly along by the 
 side of his man, with his hands behind his back. 
 
 " Ar doesn't ken that," said Pigg, with a shrug of the 
 shoulders ; " should say it wad de ye mair good nor farmin' 
 as ye, farm" 
 
 " That's all you knows about the matter," grunted Mr. 
 Jorrocks. " The new lights o' husbandry haven't broke in 
 upon your wooden 'ead yet." 
 
 " Ar wish they mayn't "brik ye," replied Pigg ; " ar think 
 thou's gannin' a fair way for the dogs." 
 
 " I see you're one of the old-fashioned, stubborn, stupid 
 sort o' sinners," grunted Mr. Jorrocks. " Jest blunder on in 
 your old-fashioned ways, without either talent to strike out 
 a new inwention, or spirit enough to follow up what others 
 diskiver want enlightenment desp'rate" 
 
 "They'll lighten ye afore they're done with ye, I'll be 
 bund," replied Pigg, with a sniff of his nose across his hand. 
 
 " I thought you chaps had been clever in the north," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, after they had trudged on some time 
 in silence. 
 
 " Oliver ? ay," said Pigg, " o'er cliver to make sic asses o' 
 ourselves as they de hereabouts." 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks, not relishing the re- 
 ception of his overture at reconciliation, " and vot'n hasses 
 de ye see 'ere, pray ? " 
 
 " Ah, asses ! " exclaimed Pigg, at the top of his voice, " ar 
 niver see'd sic wark ! folks all gean clean mad together, ar 
 think. ! "
 
 354 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " Humph f " grunted Mr. Jorrocks again, wondering what 
 Pigg had seen to astonish him. 
 
 " It was nabbnt yesterday," continued Pigg, " that ar 
 called on Mr. Heavytail, and instead of findin' him in his 
 fields, sink if he wasn't rollin' a hogshead o' sugar into the 
 barn. ' How now, Mr. Tail ? ' says ar to him, says ar, ' are 
 ye gannin' te torn grosser ? ' ' Why, no,' says he to me, says 
 he, ' Mr. Pigg,' says he, quite pertly, ' ar's not gannin' to tarn 
 grosser.' Then says ar to him, says ar, ' What the deavil ar 
 ye gannin' to do wi' all the sugar ? ' for ar see'd twe mair 
 casks a standin' where he was rowlin' this yean te." 
 
 " Indeed ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, perking up, " wonders 
 if they came from our place ; was there a great J. & Co. at 
 the end, done in black paint with red dots ? " 
 
 " Can't say, ar's sure," replied Pigg ; " but, howsomever, 
 there was Mr. Tail a rowlin' this yean in, and varra heavy 
 it was, and varra hot it made Mr. Tail, se I took and gav it 
 a shove along win him ; and when we'd gotten it placed to 
 his likin', ar seed a vast o' sand, and gravel, and rubbish, 
 lyin' about o' barn floor like, se ar axed him what it was all 
 for " 
 
 " And what did he say ? " eagerly inquired Mr. Jorrocks, 
 darting to a conclusion. 
 
 " Why," said Pigg, turning the quid in his mouth, " he 
 brak out just as ye de talked about new leets [lights], 
 old-fashioned farmin', and march o' somethin'. Then he 
 pointed at the sugar, and says he to me, says he, ' Ar'll 
 be bound to say, Mr. Pigg,' says he, 'with all your north 
 country knowledge, you can't tell me what that's for.' So, 
 says ar to him, says ar, ' Ye have the advantage of me, Mr. 
 Tail'" 
 
 " Just so," observed Mr. Jorrocks ; adding, " well, go on." 
 
 " Why, then," said Pigg, " he tell'd me he'd been to a 
 lector on farmin' some chap ganning about the country, 
 talkin' nonsense, had given, who'd tell'd him of a grand 
 imposition for" 
 
 " Composition ! " observed Mr. Jorrocks, with an emphasis. 
 
 " Ay, grand composition," continued Pigg, " for makin' 
 tiles drainin' tiles. Ar doesn't ken how mony things
 
 HILLLNGDOX HALL. 
 
 355 
 
 had to be put into it, but there was charJc, and sand, and 
 gravel, and I doesn't ken what else, and the whole had to 
 be mexed and stirred up wi' brown sugar." 
 
 " Vot a jackass the chap must be ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks, 
 wondering how Mr. Heavytail ever could be so foolish as to 
 adopt the idea. 
 
 "Why, that's just what ar said," observed Pigg. " Says 
 ar to Mr. Tail, say ar, ' Ye surely mun be gannin' clean daft, 
 Mr. Tail, to think o' wastin' the sugar in this way. Hev 
 ye ne quarry, nor ne gravel bed, nor ne place nigh at hand, 
 where ye can get steans, instead of makin' sich a mess as 
 this ? ' But I might as well ha' saved my breath, for aril 
 ar gat was sarce and bad words." 
 
 " Oh dear ! Mr. 'Eavytail must be a werry stupid man," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, wondering how a tenant of his 
 could have fallen into a trap he had only set for other 
 people. 
 
 " Why, that's what ar telled him," said Pigg ; " says ar 
 te him, says ar, ' Thou may fancy thysel a wise man, and 
 may be ye may fancy the chap that tell'd ye all this a wise 
 man ; but for mar pairt, ar should say, it wad be hard to 
 say whether on ye's the bigger feul.' " 
 
 " Did you, indeed ? " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, wondering 
 if Mr. Heavytail floored him. 
 
 "Faith did ar," said Pigg, striking his staff against the 
 ground " them was just the varra words ar used hard to 
 say whether on ye's the bigger feul." 
 
 " And vot did he say ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Why, he just glowered, and garped, and grinned, and 
 talked about the new leets in husbandry, and said, ar was a 
 lang way ahint the information of the day that this was 
 the newest London invention, and that the newest things 
 always cam frae there, and that Lunnuners knew mair than 
 all other folks put together." 
 
 " Veil, and what did you say ? " continued Mr. Jorrocks, 
 still anxious to hear all about it. 
 
 "Why, ar said, ar thought nou't o' Lunnuners that 
 they might de varry well for makin' women's bonnets, and 
 sich like ; but as for makin' drainin' tiles, or kennin' ou't
 
 356 HILLINGDO^f HALL 
 
 about farmin', ar wadn't give a button-top for all their 
 heads put tegither." 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks ; adding, " well, Mr. 
 'Eavytail certainfo'e is a bigger fool nor I took him for. 
 Three 'ogs'eads o' sugar, and, very likely, not got at our 
 place either ! The man'll be ruined ! " 
 
 "Ye'll be lossin' your rent," observed Pigg; adding, 
 " it ar'nt possible for a man te farm i' that way and pay 
 rent tee." 
 
 " I 'opes I shalln't lose the rent," observed Mr. Jorrocks 
 " can't afford to do that, howsomever ; precious little one 
 gets as it is land-ownin's a werry poor trade." 
 
 " It mun be poor the way yeer folks gan on," rejoined 
 Pigg. " Sink, thou's not much better nor Heavytail thysel. 
 It's nabbut t'other day like, I came upon old Tommy Sloggers, 
 hangin' his great beastly brandy-bibbin' neb over the yeat, 
 gannin' into his faller, his coat all stains, his breeches loose 
 at the knees, his stockins hangin' down, and the land as 
 chock full o' weeds and dirt as ever it could haud. ' Well, 
 Mr. Sloggers,' said ar, ' a^mirin' yeer weeds ! admirin' yeer 
 weeds ! ye'll have a grand crop, ar expect you've much 
 to be prud on ye'll not be disappointed in nettles, whatever 
 ye are i' the wheat.' ' Hoot, ye fond boddy,' said he, quite 
 sarcy like, ' what do ye knaw about farmin' ? Ye're nou't 
 but a boole leader ! ' ' Why, why,' said I, ' ar can tell a dirty 
 faller from a clean 'un, however; and, of all dirty fallers 
 that iver ar set eyes on, yeers is the dirtiest.' ' Ay, but 
 stop till wor Squire's new invention comes on it,' said he, 
 with a wink of his blear eye, ' and ye'll see how clean it'll be.' 
 ' What invention ? ' said I. ' Ah, what a man thou is to 
 talk o' farmin' ! ' said he ; ' hasn't thou heard tell of our 
 landlord's grand machine for doin' all farmin'-work at once 
 ploughin', cleanin', sowin', harrowin', reapin' ! Hoot, get 
 away wi' ye ! ' said he ; ' get yeer boole out ; ye're mair at 
 heam wi' him nor ou't else.' " 
 
 " Ay," said Mr. Jorrocks, " but I didn't say nothin' about 
 weedin' ; besides, it was a mere speckilation altogether, and 
 I never said nothin' about when the machine would be ready, 
 or who I would lend it to, or nothin'."
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 357 
 
 " But then, ye see, the warst o' ye grand folks talkin' is 
 that chaps like Sloggers just tak haud of as much o' yeer jaw 
 as sarves their torn, and then, if things dinna gan right, 
 they say it's yeer fault that ye telled them, and that they 
 mun have a reduction o' rent. Now, Sloggers won't clean 
 his land ; and he'll say, thou tell'd him not, and that he kept 
 it to try thy engine on." 
 
 "I'll Sloggers him, if he does," observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 with a shake of the head " besides," added he, " I'm sure 
 I never said nothin' about the machine cleanin' land didn't 
 know land required cleanin', indeed," added he, aloud to 
 himself. 
 
 " But ye may depend, Sloggers 'ill look to ye for satis- 
 faction," rejoined Pigg. 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks, thinking he wouldn't 
 get it. 
 
 Master and man trudged on some time in silence, each 
 occupied with his respective thoughts, Mr. Jorrocks con- 
 sidering whether, as " scientific farming " seemed likely to 
 be expensive, he had better employ Pigg to undeceive the 
 people, and Pigg muttering anathemas and strange oaths 
 against dung-doctors, man-doctors, horse-doctors, cow-doctors, 
 and all sorts of doctors. At length they came to the boun- 
 dary wall through which, our readers will remember, Mr. 
 Jorrocks had squeezed, leaving his cob on the far side. 
 
 "We mun be o'er here," said Pigg, striding up to the 
 wall, and laying a hand on the top. 
 
 " That's easier said nor done," replied Mr. Jorrocks, 
 eyeing its great height. " Better return the way I came, 
 I thinks," added he, looking about for a place. 
 
 " Ah, ye'll seun get o'er ! " replied Pigg ; " it's nou't of 
 a wall." 
 
 " Isn't it ? " replied Mr. Jorrocks, as much as to say, " it 
 is to me" 
 
 " Stick yeer toe in it like a man ! " rejoined Pigg, placing 
 his own on a projecting stone, to show his master the way. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks tried, but down it slipped again. It 
 wouldn : t do. 
 
 " God sink, t'ard man's gettin' numb ! " growled Pigg,
 
 35 HILLINGDO^ HALL. 
 
 as, lowering himself, he came to his master's assistance. 
 " Here, now," continued he, " put thy foot in there," said 
 he, showing his master the place, " and then give thysel a 
 good hoist, and thou'll soon be atop." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks did as desired; but the hoist was a very 
 ineffectual one. He did not even get his hat-crown level 
 with the top of the wall. 
 
 " Try again I " exclaimed Pigg ; adding, " give a good 
 loup." 
 
 " Ah, ' non sum qualis eram ! ' " said Mr. Jorrocks, with 
 a strong accent on the " ram " as he made a still more 
 ineffectual effort than the first. 
 
 " Hoot, a ram wad think nou't of such a wall ! " muttered 
 Pigg ; adding, " come now, put thy toe in again, and ar'll 
 give ye a shove up ahint." 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks obeyed the order, and, with the aid of a 
 strong hoist from Pigg's shoulder, succeeded in landing on 
 the top. Pigg was quickly beside him, and master and 
 man dropped down into the enclosure, where the shepherd 
 was still pacing leisurely about with Dickey Cobden. 
 
 " Fatch him this way ! " roared Mr. Jorrocks, waving 
 his hat to the man ; adding, " it's as cheap ridin,' as 
 walkin'." 
 
 " When I'm rich, I rides in chaises ; 
 "When I'm poor, I walks like blazes." 
 
 " You've had a long wait," observed our friend, hoisting 
 himself on, and giving the man a shilling for his trouble. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks then set off homewards. 
 
 " Veil, Pigg," observed Mr. Jorrocks, overtaking his man, 
 who had gone striding on before, as he saw his master pre- 
 paring to mount " veil, Pigg," repeated he, " I can't get 
 the idea of that unmitigated stoopid old 'Eavytail and his 
 sugar-casks out of my 'ead. The man must be werry soft 
 to swallow all he's told Lord ! if they had him in London, 
 'ow they would rook him." 
 
 " Ar's warn'd ye," said Pigg " they're gay and sharp 
 there ; " adding, " but there are as big feuls as Heavy tail 
 hereabouts."
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 359 
 
 " Possibly," replied Mr. Jorrocks " possibly ; but that's 
 not the question." 
 
 " Ar see'd a man t'other mornin'," continued Pigg, with- 
 out noticing his master's observation, " pepperin' the land 
 just as ye'd pepper a plate o' cabbish. ' God sink/ said ar, 
 ' what's thou about ? ' ' Giamoin,' said he. ' Giarnoin ! ' 
 said ar, * what good can that de the land ? gan and get a 
 few cartloads o' muck, and keep the giarno for thy puddin' 
 Muck's your man ! ' say I," exclaimed Pigg at the top of 
 his voice. 
 
 " Well, but one must do summut i* this world to make 
 oneself known," observed Mr. Jorrocks, still anxious to put 
 matters right and propitiate his man in order to get Pigg to 
 help him. 
 
 " Varry true," said Pigg ; " varry true," repeated he, fill- 
 ing his mouth with tobacco, and wiping the brown streams 
 from his mouth with his sleeve ; adding, " mun de summut 
 to mak worsels conspikious cannot all grow whiskers under 
 our chins like Captain Bluster." 
 
 " Well, but farmin's quite the go, you see, jest now," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, " and it don't do for us landlords 
 to appear behind the tenants in information. If it wasn't 
 for the promotion o' science I'm sure land-owning would 
 never pay. Talk o' money i' the funds ! " added he, 
 " money i' the funds may pay small interest ; but blow 
 me tight, funds pay punctual, and the gates never want 
 repairin'." 
 
 " Ar doesn't knaw much about the funds," replied Pigg 
 " but thou'll find the yeats a small matter i' thy repair 
 mar cousin Deavilboger always said that ne man is fit to be 
 called a farmer what isn't a good grumbler." 
 
 " Faith, then, I've some uncommon good 'uns," replied Mr. 
 Jorrocks, " for I never goes to inquire after the 'ealth of the 
 farmers' wives, or the state o' their 'ouses, but I gets sich a 
 torrent of complaints that I thinks that my 'ouses must be 
 all a tumblin' down together. One's roof rains in another's 
 barn beams are rotten a third's 'edges are all dead a 
 fourth's pump's gone wrong ; and so they go on." 
 
 " Ay, now, that's jest the way ye cul chaps de," replied
 
 360 HILLLXGDON HALL. 
 
 Pigg ; " ye seek for complaints. Instead o' ridin' into a 
 man's fard, and axin' if his barn's watter-tight and his missis 
 i' the family way, ye should gan in ramin' and swearin' and 
 blawin' everybody up that comes in your way, and the man 
 will be o'er glad to slip out the front way, and niver say 
 nothin' about repairs." 
 
 " Ah, but the wives are far wuss nor the men ! " ex- 
 claimed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Ay, that's because you're o'er kind wi' them," replied Pigg. 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks, not relishing the 
 answer. " Some of the men are so whimsical," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, thinking he might as well turn the conversation, 
 " one sometimes wants exactly the reverse of another." 
 
 " Ar's warn'd ye," said Pigg, " ar's warn'd ye ; some'll 
 want parlours made into kitchens, and other some, kitchens 
 made into parlours. A parlour, i' mar mind, is varra little 
 use to a farmer. They aye shut them up and sit i' their 
 kitchens, or want a sort o' second parlour to save the best ; 
 just like mar coosin Deavilboger. He grumbled and fund 
 fault wi' his 'om'stead till the Squire rebuilt the whole on 
 the largest and most improved plan cost a sight o' money ; 
 and when it was finished the Deavil shut up twe-thirds on 
 it, sayin' it was far o'er big for the farm." 
 
 " That's the way they go on," said Mr. Jorrocks, digging 
 his heel into Dickey Cobden. 
 
 " There was Harry Grumble of Clottergate," said Pigg, 
 " wadn't take his farm till the landlord would build him 
 a porch to his front door, because he said he'd always been 
 used to a porch, and he liked to see his missis sittin' knittin' 
 in it when he came home half drunk frae the market ; and 
 se, what with his wishes and what with his wants, the land- 
 lord at last built one cost the matter, ar dare say, of ten 
 pounds. Well, Harry was so varra punctual i' the drinkin' 
 way that he forgot to provide his rent, and the consequence 
 was, he was soon bundled out again, and the farm was to 
 let. John Brick was the man to take it ; but nothin' would 
 sarve Brick but the porch should come down. He'd never 
 been used to a porch, and didn't like the look of a porch, 
 so down cam porch again."
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 361 
 
 " The beggar," grunted Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Jonas Hen's pigs were aye on Mr. Blatherington's 
 coach-road," continued Pigg, " and he swore till he was 
 maist black i' the face about it ; but Hen persisted that the 
 pigs must have room to wander about, for if they were kept 
 cooped up i' the sty, their legs wad get crook'd, and they'd 
 want far mair meat, and so on. At last yean night the 
 Squire was comin' home either varra drunk or it was varra 
 dark, for he tumbled over t'ard sow as she lay across road 
 like. { Sink it,' said he i' the mornin', ' I'll build this ard 
 beggar a new range of sties, with airin' yards in front, for 
 ar can't stand splittin' my kerseymeres i' this way' just 
 as you've done," observed Pigg, looking at Mr. Jorrocks's 
 knees ; " se at it he went built an uncommon fine range 
 of sties, with ar's warn'd ye a quarter of a yacre of ground 
 walled in ; and when it was done, Squire Blatherington 
 said to Hen, ' Now, Mr. Hen, ar hopes yeer pigs will have 
 the kindness to keep off mar coach-road, for ar can't stand 
 them, and they've plenty of elbow-room and everything pigs 
 should have in this spacious yard.' { Ay, ay, sir,' said Hen ; 
 ' but for mar pairt ar always think they're just as well i' 
 the sty altogether.' Queer devils, farmers," added Pigg, 
 replenishing his mouth with tobacco. 
 
 " They are that," assented Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " The best way of stoppin' their gabs," said Pigg, " is 
 gannin' about the country with a great armful o' plans ; and 
 as soon as ever a man begins with his wants, unroll the plan, 
 and say you propose buildin' his premises afresh and want 
 to talk to him about the leadin'." 
 
 " That's a good idea," said Mr. Jorrocks, with a nod " a 
 werry good idea." 
 
 " Or if they talk about yeats [gates] say there's yeat wood 
 provided, and they've nothin' to do but employ a joiner to 
 work it up. They'll make the ard 'uns last a long while 
 when they've to pay for makin' the new 'uns, and t'ard housin' 
 'ill stand tee if they've te lead to the new 'un." 
 
 " Ar wad say now," observed Pigg, after a long pause, 
 during which he trudged on beside his master, " instead o' 
 talkin' nonsense to the farmers, and gettin' them to try fond
 
 3 62 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 expariments, it wad be far better, if ye mun make yoursel 
 conspikious, to train a few lads on, as they de i' wor country, 
 and gar them pay for yeer knowledge." 
 
 " 'Ow's that ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks, thinking it sounded 
 like money. 
 
 " Have what they call mud- students," replied Pigg ; 
 " some of the great farmers i' the north have them, and they 
 pay well whether they larn ou't or not." 
 
 " Vot ! a sort of an agricultural college, is it ? " asked Mr. 
 Jorrocks. 
 
 " No ! college ; no," replied Pigg, "jest a youth or two i' 
 the 'ouse, that you may give lectors to if you like." 
 
 " Keep in the 'ouse ? " observed Mr. Jorrocks ; " shouldn't 
 like that be pulling the gals about, p'raps." 
 
 " Ah, sink ye can de that yersel," muttered Pigg. " If 
 ye dinna like them i' the house," observed he, raising his 
 voice, " ye can lodge them wi' some o' the tenants, and jest 
 have them in when ye want to extonish them with your 
 larnin'." 
 
 " That's more like the ticket," thought Mr. Jorrocks aloud 
 to himself; adding, " but wot am I to do with them on inter- 
 mediate days, when I'm not a lectorin', in fact ? " 
 
 " Why, thou mun send them out into the fields to kick 
 the clods about, and ax fond questions." 
 
 " But they must 'ave somebody to go with them, to 
 answer them, and tell them wot's wot." 
 
 " Let them find out theirsels, they'll like it far better if 
 they de," replied Pigg. 
 
 " That would hardly be fair, though ; if one undertakes 
 to instruct them, one ought to be as good as one's word," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks. " We shouldn't 'ave them in any 
 numbers, though," observed Mr. Jorrocks, " a lecturin' to 
 empty benches is werry poor sport." 
 
 " Ay, but ye can get in the ard wives and bairns, anybody 
 but the farmers," replied Pigg ; " there's ne fear of mis- 
 leadin' t'ard women." 
 
 " No, that won't do," observed Mr. Jorrocks, half to Pigg, 
 half to himself. " If they'd have the agricultural college 
 they talk of in the Mark Lane Express here, and make me
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 363 
 
 principal, that would be summut like ; but to tutorise a few 
 bouys would never suit J. J." 
 
 " Ay, but ye may teach them to hont as well as farm," 
 observed Pigg. " Sink, you've nou't to de but get a beuik 
 and read a lesson aforehand yersel ; talk of strang lands, 
 and light lands, and marie, and the rotation of crops ; tell 
 them if wheat is full of poppies it's a sign o' poor land, and if 
 full o' thristles, it's a sign o' good strang land, and se on." 
 
 " Yell, that seems all werry sensible," observed Mr. Jor- 
 rocks, " and wot they ought to know." 
 
 " Then ye can tell them the cause why gentlemen farmers 
 never make money is that they all overdo the thing. If ye 
 wish to profit by farmin', ye mun content yersel with toler- 
 ably clean fields and good savin' crops ; but if ye stoody to 
 ornament your farm wi' fine clipped hollin hedges, repre- 
 sentin' booles, and horses, and sows, as ye de, or dinna clean 
 your land till ye get a machine that will plough it and all, 
 like Sloggers, or put sugar into drainin' tiles, like Tail, 
 why, ye cannot but lose. Land needs a sartain quantity of 
 ploughins and harrowins, and a sartain quantity of muck, 
 and will pay for all that ; but if ye over-egg the puddin' 
 the money's wasted, for the land may yield as good crops 
 wi' five or six ploughins as wi' ten ; and ye may have ower 
 strang crops, that the first wind or rain will lodge and lose 
 ye the whole." 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks ; adding, " I think 
 they must make you professor of agricultur' in the new 
 college." 
 
 "Then, after you've talked all sich matters as these over, 
 ye may say, 'Now, gentlemen, there's James Pigg i' the 
 yard wi' the hunds, and he'll show ye how to find a hare 
 setten, and how to hunt her when she is fund.' " 
 
 " Ay, ay, I thought that would be the upshot of it all," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks with a smile; "they'll be 'unting 
 students not mud-students if you have anything to do 
 with them." 
 
 " And a varra good way to teach them farmin' tee," 
 said Pigg. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks re-entered Hillingdon Hall a sadder man
 
 364 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 than he set out. He found age creeping upon him, and 
 that he was unfit for the life his earlier aspirations had 
 sighed for ; farming, which he thought was a sure fortune, 
 seemed attended with no end of trouble ; and he now felt 
 that country life owed half its charms to frequent contrast 
 with the crowded, heated, busy, bustling city. 
 
 " I'll shut up shop ! " exclaimed he, throwing himself 
 into the judicial chair, "and return to Surrey and Great 
 Coram Street. Winter's a coming on, and I'm a gettin' 
 into the sere and yellow leaf. These farmin' fools will never 
 do for a man of intellect like me. Confound them ! they 
 are a century and a half be'ind the Lunnuners : old 
 Wopstraw, with his drawlin' ' upon the VJho-o-oU ' Willey 
 Goodheart, with his year's arrears of news and Mr. 'Eavy- 
 tail, with his sugar-casks, and a woice enough to split a barn- 
 door Tm tired on 'em all ! " 
 
 So saying, our worthy friend stuck out his legs, and 
 throwing himself back in his chair, dozed for some time in 
 silence. At length he got up and rang the bell. 
 
 " Send James Pigg here, Benjamin," said he, as soon as 
 the boy came sneaking into the room, thinking Mr. J. had 
 seen him stealing plums, and meant to convict him summarily, 
 and inflict substantial justice upon him. Presently James 
 made his appearance. He had been cleaning the bull's stall 
 out, and showing him to some ladies. 
 
 " Veil, James," said Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing his tobacco- 
 streaming mouth ; " I've been a thinkin' this here farmin' 
 don't exactly suit with me ; not quite the ticket, in fact." 
 
 " So" said James, thinking he had soon tired. 
 
 " And I've been a thinkin'," continued Mr. Jorrocks, " as 
 you seem full o' knowledge and science, of puttin' you in 
 to manage and keep matters right, and then you can take 
 mud-students, and teach them the difference atwixt a stick 
 and a stone." 
 
 " So," said Pigg ; adding, with a sniff of his nose across 
 his hand, " to be hind, that's to say." 
 
 " No, you mustn't be be'ind," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with 
 a shake of the head ; " I must have so much rent accounted 
 for every half year."
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 365 
 
 " Ne doot," said Pigg, " ne doot. But ar's to be manisher 
 like ; that's to say hind" 
 
 "Ah, 'ind! I twig," replied Mr. Jorrocks. "Bailiff, 
 what we call." 
 
 "Why," said Pigg, " ar can do all that; but we munnut 
 have ne sugar i' the drainin' tiles." 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks, not relishing the 
 observation, and considering how he should put the next 
 point. " Veil, then, you see," continued he after a pause, 
 " as Mrs. J. and myself will only be here now and then, 
 jest by way of a leetle recreation, instead of buryin' our- 
 selves alive altogether, so you'll have a deal to attend to 
 out o' doors, and p'raps it will be well to get somebody to 
 assist you in the 'ouse." 
 
 " Ar's warn'd ye," said Pigg ; " ar's warn'd ye, 'specially 
 if ar's to have the mud-students." 
 
 " Then I was a thinkin'," observed Mr. Jorrocks, rubbing 
 his chin and casting his eyes up to the mullioned ceiling ot 
 the room ; "I was a thinkin' that Batsey, p'raps, might be 
 useful to you." 
 
 " So" said Pigg. 
 
 " She's a fine woman," observed Mr. Jorrocks, " and I 
 should like to place her in good hands." 
 
 " Ne doot," replied Pigg, " ne doot ; " adding, " why, ar 
 dare say ar could manish her too." 
 
 " There'll be a leetle incambrance," observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 in an undertone. 
 
 "Why, why," replied Pigg, with a jerk of the head, 
 " why, why ; " adding, " ar expects it's mar oume." 
 
 " Vot, another ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks. " Who'd ha' 
 thought it ? "
 
 ( 366 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 ' ' To be, or not to be : that is the question." 
 
 [F ever man got well " blessed " by woman, it was 
 our fat friend, Mr. Jorrocks, for carrying away 
 the Marquis of Bray carrying him away just 
 as Mrs. Flather was bringing him " to book." 
 Two minutes more, and she would have run into her game. 
 As it was, she had nothing to do but con over what had 
 passed, recalling the Marquis's every word and look as he 
 underwent the interesting scrutiny how he said he got on 
 very well with Emma that the Duke thought very highly 
 of her, and the Duchess liked her uncommonly. 
 
 Then she recalled her inquiry as to whether the Marquis 
 had spoken to Emma yet, and half upbraided herself for not 
 going a step further and saying, " about their intended 
 marriage." Still she consoled herself that her unmeaning 
 look was so significant, and the Marquis's answer, " that he 
 had not spoken to Emma, because he thought he had better 
 hear what Mrs. Flather had to say first," so conclusive as 
 almost to render greater explicitness superfluous. 
 
 Like many over-anxious people, she banished such parts 
 of the conversation from her mind as did not suit her 
 purpose. She forgot that they had been talking about the 
 proposed visit to Donkeyton, and that the subsequent con- 
 versation might in the Marquis's mind have had reference to 
 that. This she either could not or did not choose to re- 
 member, because the short pause that followed, during 
 which she was working herself up for the grand effort, 
 seeming to her like an hour, she was pleased to consider it 
 as such, and so to separate the parts of the conversation.
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 367 
 
 Emma also encouraged her in her self-deception ; she had 
 no doubt that the Marquis meant to offer what else could 
 he mean ? Still the awkward fact presented itself, that he 
 did not return to conclude the ceremony. A whole day 
 passed over, and no tidings of his lordship ; another succeeded 
 then a third Mrs. Flather could contain herself no longer 
 she resolved to be doing, but somehow did not know what 
 to do whether to write to the Marquis, or the Duke, or the 
 Duchess, or go to Donkey ton Castle and take the bull fairly 
 by the horns. 
 
 The latter was a bold step. No one ever went to Donkey- 
 ton without an invitation, or some very cogent reason. This 
 latter Mrs. Flather certainly had, but whether it was the 
 prudent course she could not decide. Mother and daughter 
 had slight misgivings of each other's judgment, and each 
 doubted the policy of the other. Emma thought she could 
 have managed the Marquis better by herself; while her 
 mother thought Emma wanted all the assistance she could 
 give her. 
 
 No doubt Emma was right she had all her mother's 
 cunning, with double her tact, and would have worked the 
 Marquis up to the point if she had only been allowed line 
 and time. Mrs. Flather, like many old women, was in too 
 great a hurry. Moreover, each had a slight misgiving, which 
 neither cared to communicate to the other, that there might 
 be some slight misconception or misunderstanding in the 
 matter. Had either been acting separately, she would perhaps 
 have given the weak parts more weight. It is extraordinary 
 how a little assistance makes us believe anything we wish. 
 
 Mrs. Flather argued that the Marquis had gone as far as 
 he ought without a specific declaration ; and that he would 
 have made one, but for the untimely intrusion of old Jorrocks. 
 If, however, by any possibility, it could happen that such was 
 not his intention, and he was only trifling with Emma's feel- 
 ings, it was her undoubted duty to stop the thing immediately. 
 If, again, as most probably was the case, the Marquis was 
 anxious to make a declaration, the sooner the opportunity was 
 afforded the better, and then the thing might be announced, 
 and their friends could not feel hurt at one being made
 
 368 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 acquainted with it sooner than another. Ladies are very 
 considerate in these matters. 
 
 " Upon the who-o-ole," as Johnny Wopstraw would say, 
 Mrs. Flather determined to go to the Castle. If she went, 
 and things did not look promising, she could beat a retreat, 
 under pretence of having gone on other business a writer- 
 ship in India, or promotion for Edward. 
 
 The resolution being taken, the next thing was how to 
 put it in execution. Whether to take Emma, or go alone, 
 and how to get there. Emma's appearance might have a 
 beneficial effect, particularly if they could be sure of meeting 
 with the Marquis ; but then, on the other hand, Emma would 
 very likely insist upon having her own way, and Mrs. Flather 
 wanted to have hers. Perhaps the best plan was not to 
 broach the subject of Emma's going at all take it for 
 granted she could not. 
 
 " How to get there " then came on. " Neat carriages by 
 the day, month, or year " are unknown in the country, and 
 post-chaises are fast disappearing. Omnibuses are all the 
 go. An omnibus for a picnic is all very well, but for a 
 morning visit rather incongruous. Besides, they don't leave 
 a certain line of road; all drawing towards the railway 
 stations, as true as the needle to the pole. 
 
 Donkeyton Castle was clear of railways. You could not 
 hear the sound of a whistle on the calmest day, or with the 
 most favourable wind. The Duke had a great dislike to them 
 monstrous dislike. Would have thought the constitution 
 destroyed if one had come near him not his own consti- 
 tution, but the constitution of the country. But to the tale. 
 Question proposed How to go ? 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks's rattletrap would have been the most con- 
 venient, that is to say, the cheapest conveyance, but then 
 she was afraid if she applied for it, the Squire would insist 
 upon driving it himself, and very likely mar the object of 
 her journey. Farm inspecting gives a man unlimited range 
 over a country. The Sellborough glass chaise was the 
 chrnier resort ; but then, how was she to get it ? The post 
 was gone, and she knew if she sent the boy in buttons on 
 foot, he would never get back. She might beg the loan of
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 369 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks's horse, and send him over on it. Accordingly 
 she wrote the following note : 
 
 " DEAR MR. JORROCKS, Could you kindly accommodate 
 me with the loan of your horse, for my servant to go to Sell- 
 borough, to get a prescription made up ? He is a very 
 careful rider, and will take great care of it. 
 
 " Hoping dear Mrs. Jorrocks is well, I remain, with our 
 united best regards, dear Mr. Jorrocks, yours most sin- 
 cerely, " E. FLATHER." 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks, as the above was 
 handed to him in his bull-house, where he was busy with 
 Pigg washing the Marquis. " Humph ! " grunted he again, 
 " rayther cool of her this. Batsey tells me, Mrs. F.'s Susan 
 told her, she heard her missis call me a wulgar old beast ; 
 and now she wants to borrow Dickey Cobden," added Mr. 
 Jorrocks, in a tone that reached Pigg's ear as he turned the 
 contents of the bucket into the manger. 
 
 " Ar wadn't be a woman's huss at nou't ? " observed Pigg, 
 knocking the pail against the side to clean out the bottom. 
 
 " Nor I nouther," replied Mr. Jorrocks, turning sharp 
 round, and making for the house to write an epistle while 
 he was yet warm. 
 
 Having unlocked the great brass-bound mahogany desk, 
 with " John Jorrocks " on the lid, he took a sheet of paper, 
 and in a good round hand wrote the following answer : 
 
 " HILLINGDON HALL ) 
 
 TO WIT. ) 
 
 " DEAR MRS. F., Three things I never lends my 'oss, 
 my wife, and my name. Howsomever, to-morrow being 
 our beak-day, when us Jestices of our Sovereign Lady the 
 Queen assemble to hear all manner of treasons, sorceries, 
 burnins, witchcrafts, felonies, puzzonins, trespasses, and 
 naughty be'aviour generally, if you'll send me the pre- 
 scription, I'll be 'appy to bring the physic 'ome in my 
 pocket. Meanwhile I sends you a couple of Seidletz, 
 and if you want anythings else, Mrs. J. will be 'appy to 
 
 2 A
 
 370 HILLDfGDON HALL. 
 
 lend you a few ' Cockle's Antibilious ' werry extensively 
 patronised. A leash o' Dukes, five brace o' Markisses, 
 sixteen Earls, one-and-twenty "Wiscounts, Barons, Lords, 
 Bishops, and Baronets without end. Yours to serve, 
 
 " JOHN JORROCKS, 
 " J.P., and one of the quorum. 
 
 " P.S, Dissolve the powder in the blue paper first, then 
 add the white stir 'em up, and drink while fizzin'." 
 
 Nothing daunted, though sore annoyed, Mrs. Flather then 
 sent off the boy in buttons on foot with a note to the 
 innkeeper, charging him to send the job-carriage, in the 
 charge of a neat and steady driver, over with the bearer in 
 the morning. 
 
 Accordingly, about nine o'clock, a wretched copy of a 
 wretched original, a London glass coach, was seen crawling 
 along, drawn by a pair of antediluvian-looking horses, a 
 grey turned white, and a rat-tailed roan, driven by a post- 
 boy transmogrified into a coachman at least, as far as a 
 napless hat, greasy-collared olive frock-coat, short buff 
 waistcoat, ornamented with rows of blue glass buttons, 
 could counteract the effect of a pair of most palpable post- 
 boy's legs encased in the usual very long breeches and very 
 short boots. 
 
 The carriage itself was a lofty old landaulet, built towards 
 the close of the last century, and now containing little of 
 the original material, save the roundabout tub-shaped body. 
 The leather top was hard, lustreless, and weather-bleached, 
 with large hollows formed between the ribbing of the roof, 
 showing the high-water mark of the last shower in the dust. 
 All the plating had vanished from the side-joints, and huge 
 creases established themselves at the folds. Half the crests 
 were knocked off the sides. 
 
 The body, as was said before, was of the washing-tub order, 
 better adapted for concealing the inmates than for surveying 
 the country. The windows were like pigeon-holes, and the 
 seat being low, a short person would just see the bobbing 
 of the postboy's hat as he " rode and drove." On the
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 371 
 
 present occasion he drove, being seated on a lofty perch 
 rising above the level of the roof. 
 
 Such was the vehicle that arrived at the Manse to convey 
 Mrs. Flather to Donkeyton Castle. 
 
 A postboy's care of his horses being always considerable 
 when there is anything to be got in the kitchen, our hero 
 quickly unharnessed his, and had them in an outhouse, 
 enjoying a pail of pump water between them, while he 
 hobbled into the house in quest of cold meat and orders. 
 
 Mrs. Flather was in marching order, all but putting her 
 bonnet on, and had been hard at work all the morning, 
 undergoing a rigid examination from Emma as to what she 
 would do and what she would say, the inquiry being adapted 
 to every variety of circumstance that could be contemplated 
 just like one of Madame de Genlis' conversations in the 
 immaculate " Manuel du Voyageurs." 
 
 " Well, but if the Duchess is not at home, what will you 
 do?" 
 
 " Oh, if she's not at home, and not likely to return soon, 
 I suppose I must just come away," replied mamma. 
 
 " You wouldn't think of speaking to the Duke, I suppose," 
 observed Emma suggestingly. 
 
 " I don't know," replied Mrs. Flather, thinking the scheme 
 not altogether unfeasible. 
 
 " But the Duke would most likely be away too," said Emma. 
 
 " They are not likely to go far though, I think," rejoined 
 mamma ; " at least not more than a morning drive, for they 
 never visit anybody further than calling, and then they only 
 leave cards." 
 
 " They have begun to go in now," observed Emma. 
 
 " How do you know ? " inquired Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " James told me so," replied Emma, affecting the familiar. 
 
 "They want to make themselves popular, I suppose," 
 observed Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Well, but if they are out," continued Emma, resuming 
 the question, " will you wait till they return ? " 
 
 " I suppose I must," replied Mrs. Flather, after a pause. 
 
 "I think I would," said Emma musingly. 
 
 " Very well, my dear," assented Mrs. Flather, knowing
 
 372 HILLINGDON HALT. 
 
 that by going alone she could do as she pleased when she 
 got there. 
 
 " How awful ! " exclaimed Emma, clasping her hands, and 
 turning her pretty eyes up to the ceiling, as she thought 
 of her mamma sitting waiting the return of the Duchess. 
 
 " It must be done" said Mrs. Mather, compressing her lips, 
 and looking as solemn as her vacant countenance would 
 permit. "You're sure he kissed you, now?" added she, 
 glancing anxiously at the model of propriety. 
 
 " Oh, certain of that, and squeezed my hand too," replied 
 Emma, which she seemed to think about as material as the 
 kiss. Kissing and squeezing are thought more of in the 
 country than they are in London. 
 
 "I dare say it will be all right," said Mrs. Flather 
 encouragingly. " He's a young man, but his principles, 
 I hope, are good ; indeed, if I thought otherwise, I wouldn't 
 let you marry him if he was an emperor." 
 
 " I dare say not," observed Emma pettishly, thinking her 
 mother might as well keep her rodomontade for Donkeyton 
 Castle, her parent's maxim always having been "to get 
 wealth and station, becomingly, if she could, but anyhow to 
 get wealth and station ; " a fine doctrine, and frequently 
 acted upon. 
 
 " Supposing there's anybody with the Duchess when you 
 go," continued Emma, after a pause, during which she re- 
 covered her equanimity, " what will you do ? " 
 
 " That's not likely, I think," replied Mrs. Flather ; " no- 
 body ever goes there, you know, without an invitation." 
 
 " But there may" continued Emma, " for all that. You 
 don't know what invitations she may have sent out ; or, now 
 that they are beginning to entertain, who may take upon 
 themselves to call." 
 
 " There's nothing so bad as great people making them- 
 selves too common," observed Mrs. Flather; a sentiment of 
 very frequent use in the country, meaning that great people 
 should just patronise ourselves and no one else. 
 
 " Nothing," observed Emma. " I'm sure the Duke must 
 feel he's lost caste since he took up with that horrid old 
 idiot down at the Hall."
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 373 
 
 " Don't mention him," rejoined Mrs. Flather ; " abominable 
 old man ! and by the way, that reminds me, I wish you 
 would walk down there this afternoon, and borrow their 
 mouse-trap, for ours is all gone wrong, and the place is 
 literally overrun with mice." 
 
 " Now, tell me, how will you broach the subject ?" inquired 
 Emma, again returning to her speculations. " Will you go 
 at it at once, or nibble and beat about the bush a little ? " 
 
 " Upon my word I really think I'd better go at once to 
 the point," replied Mrs. Flather, after a pause. 
 
 " But I wouldn't go open-mouthed, as if you were bursting 
 with anxiety," observed Emma. 
 
 " Oh, certainly not," replied Mrs. Flather, with a bend 
 and toss of her head, as much as to say, " I know what I 
 am about." 
 
 " Will you say that you have come to talk to them about 
 settlements, as if the thing was all fixed ; or that you've 
 come to talk about the the the niceness of it, or some- 
 thing of that sort ? " asked Emma. 
 
 " I don't know, I'm sure, my dear," considered Mrs. 
 Flather ; " much will depend upon how they receive me ; 
 if they are very affectionate, and so on, we may go to the 
 point at once, but not, I think, about settlements." 
 
 " That would look mercenary, perhaps," observed Emma ; 
 " still I should like to have some diamonds." 
 
 " There's no doubt you'll have everything of that sort," 
 rejoined Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Necklace, and earrings, and a tiara. I should so like 
 to go to the New Year's Eve ball in diamonds splendid 
 diamonds ! Jeems told me mamma's cost seventy thousand," 
 observed Emma. 
 
 " That's a great deal of money," observed Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " I wonder if Mrs. Trotter would go to the winter ball 
 if she knew I was to be there ? " inquired Emma. " How 
 delightful it would be if she was." 
 
 Just then the old rattle-trap hove in sight, and the debate 
 was forthwith adjourned for the more important business of 
 " getting ready."
 
 ( 374 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIV. 
 
 " Not yet on summer's death, nor on the birth 
 Of trembling winter." 
 
 JJFTEB, three " put backs," first to get her keys, 
 which she had left on the drawers; secondly, 
 to tell Maria to roast the mutton instead of 
 boiling it ; and thirdly, to charge Emma not 
 to make herself sick at luncheon, and not to forget the 
 mouse-trap, Mrs. Flather at length got under way. 
 
 The bright sun had warmed the air of the autumnal day, 
 and the country round was in the rich luxuriance of declin- 
 ing beauty. The corn-fields were clear, the leaves were 
 changing colour, and an occasional gun-shot echoed upon 
 the clear transparent atmosphere. Mrs. Flather, having 
 had the landaulet head put back, settled herself in the 
 middle of the chaise, and hoisting her green parasol, pre- 
 pared to gather her faculties for the approaching conflict. 
 
 On they jingled, but just as a white three-armed guide- 
 post denoted the divergence of the road to three different 
 points, a loud " Hooi ! stop ! " from behind, caused the driver 
 to pull his horses up with such a jerk as sent Mrs. Flather 
 forward against the front she nearly broke her nose ! 
 
 Another second, and her old tormentor, Mr. Jorrocks, had 
 his old rattle-trap alongside the carriage, and was putting 
 his whip into the case preparatory to having a confab. 
 
 " Veil, Mrs. Flather," said he, with one of his knowing 
 grins, " and vot are you arter with your pair 'oss chay ? 
 Takin' your medicine in a wehicle, as the doctors write on 
 their labels, eh ? " added he, with a leer. 
 
 " Oh, Mr. Jorrocks, how do you do ? " exclaimed Mrs.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 375 
 
 Flatter, shuffling herself back into her seat, and interposing 
 her parasol between herself and the Squire. 
 
 "Veil, and wot's 'appen'd now?" asked Mr. Jorrocks, 
 reaching over and lifting it up, so as to get a view of her 
 face. " Where are you a goin' to ? Sellborough, I dare 
 say," added he, without waiting for an answer. " Am a 
 goin' there myself better come in here with me. Bin- 
 jimin shall get in there," continued he, unhooking the 
 apron of the fire-engine for the purpose of letting Mrs. 
 Flather in. 
 
 " Oh, thank you, Mr. Jorrocks, thank you ! " exclaimed 
 she, " but I'm not going to Sellborough ; I'm much obliged 
 to up this other road here to the right to the left I 
 mean, thank you ; or I should have been most happy." 
 
 " And that's the Sellborough road," replied our friend. 
 " I knew you was a goin' there. Come, get in get in ! 
 It's no use you and I 'umbuggin' each other." 
 
 " I meant the other road ! I meant the other road 1 " 
 exclaimed Mrs. Flather. "The road to the far left," con- 
 tinued she, extending her arm in that direction. 
 
 " She's a goin' to Donkeyton Castle," whispered Benjamin 
 from the back seat into his master's ear. 
 
 " Donkeyton Castle ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks aloud. 
 " Vot, you are a goin' to Donkeyton Castle, are you ? " 
 asked Mr. Jorrocks. " Vot's a takin' you there ? thought 
 you'd been a goin' to the chemist's. Has the Duke a blow 
 out ? Has the Duke a blow out ? " 
 
 " I'm going towards Donkeyton ; I'm going towards 
 Donkeyton," replied Mrs. Flather, anxious to get away from 
 her tormentor. 
 
 " Towards Donkeyton," grunted Mr. Jorrocks ; " towards 
 Donkeyton," repeated he, adding aloud to himself, " who can 
 she be goin' to see there." 
 
 " Well, good morning, Mr. Jorrocks, good morning," re- 
 peated Mrs. Flather ; adding, as she desired the coachman 
 to go on, " I'm only wasting your valuable time." 
 
 " 'Ang the time," at length observed Mr. Jorrocks, taking 
 the whip out of the case and gathering the reins together, 
 preparatory to setting Dicky Cobden agoing again. " Where
 
 376 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 can the 'ooman be goin' to ? " mused he, his eye following 
 the receding chaise. 
 
 " She s a goin' to Donkeyton Castle, I tells you again," 
 eaid Benjamin from the back of the chaise. 
 
 " Impossible, Binjiinin ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " But she is, though" replied Benjamin, in a confident 
 tone. 
 
 " And 'ow do you know that, Binjimin ? " asked Mr. 
 Jorrocks, jerking and flopping Dickey Cobden into motion. 
 
 " Cause I was hup at their 'ouse when their young man 
 came back with the chay, and he'd peep'd into the note and 
 seen the herder," replied Benjamin. 
 
 " So-o-o ! " ejaculated Mr. Jorrocks, " there must be some- 
 thin' goin' on some leetle mystery, I guess ; " and musing 
 and wondering what it could be, Mr. Jorrocks proceeded on 
 his way to Sellborough. 
 
 There had been a great dinner at Donkeyton Castle the 
 day before, and some of the outer ring visitors having ac- 
 cepted the Duke's invitation to visit his example farm, the 
 last rattle-traps had hardly jingled under the Gothic arch of 
 the battlemented gateway, when Mrs. Flather appeared at 
 the opposite side for admittance. The porter stared as he 
 threw back the old nail-studded oak doors, and his wife ob- 
 served with a significant smile that " she wished the lady 
 mightn't be a day after the fair." 
 
 On Mrs. Flather crawled, at that weary, dilapidated pace 
 that ill-fed, hard-worked horses exhibit walking, if it were 
 not for the appearance of trotting along the winding drive 
 through the undulating and picturesque scenery of the richly 
 wooded, water-glittering park. 
 
 It was a lovely place. Hundreds of deer herded on its 
 hills, or followed in lengthy files along its ravines ; while 
 waterrfowl of every description splashed or sported on the 
 extensive lakes, where snow-white swans were gliding 
 majestically about, or noble herons rising slowly and 
 noiselessly to heaven. 
 
 The now browning fern and faded heath waved and 
 drooped on the wilder ground, affording shelter to the game 
 and adding wildness to the scene.
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 377 
 
 It is odd how few visitors at great houses see the 
 beauties of the places. In going they are generally in too 
 great a fright ; the ladies pulling on their clean gloves 
 the gentlemen adjusting their whiskers or neckcloths. In 
 returning, they are apt to get clear of the premises ere they 
 have done congratulating themselves and each other on their 
 escape ; applauding their courage and sagacity in going, 
 and commenting on their great patron's marked attention 
 to themselves. Some people really seem as if they expected 
 to be " catermauchously chawn up " by great people, as the 
 Americans say. 
 
 Mrs. Flather saw nothing. As the rattling of the 
 carriage on the pavement under the arch announced her 
 arrival at the awe-striking castle gates, she gathered herself 
 into a state of desperate compression, and sat eyeing the 
 front joints of the old landaulet, now folded before her, with 
 all the energy of a person enjoying a dentist's arm-chair. 
 
 Grind, creak, grind, creak, went the old vehicle over the 
 Kensington gravelled carriage road. Jip ! crack, flop, went 
 the persuasive Jehu to the pottering screws ; coachey looking 
 more lively as the emblazoned banner on the castle glittered 
 in the sun, and bespoke good cheer within. 
 
 At length the carriage sounded on the moss-grown walls 
 of the stately castle, as it drove past the open cloisters at 
 the side. 
 
 The driver, having deliberately thrown his reins upon the 
 horses' backs (as if in the fullest confidence that they would 
 not run away), descended, whip in hand, from his perch, 
 and applied his hand with the greatest nonchalaiice to the 
 bronze bell-handle in the richly carved doorway, with far 
 different feelings to those which now agitated the bosom of 
 his fair passenger. 
 
 " Please, marm, who shall I ax for ? " inquired he, limping 
 back to the carriage, with a grin at the peal that answered 
 his pull. 
 
 Ere Mrs. Flather had time to reply to the inquiry, the 
 lace-bedizened porter loomed large in the doorway. He was 
 the beau ideal of a porter a great, big, broad, stout, overfed- 
 looking fellow, with well-powdered bald head, pimply nose, and
 
 378 HILLLNGPOX HALL. 
 
 swelling ankles a spoiled figure footman ! Having eyed 
 the wretched vehicle and the humble charioteer, whose old 
 olive-coloured coat assumed a still dingier hue by the bright 
 pea- green ducal livery, the porter, standing in the first 
 position in the exact centre of the top doorstep, with upthrown 
 head, indicated that he was ready to answer questions. 
 
 " Is your missis at home ? " asked the driver, without 
 waiting for Mrs. Flather's instructions. 
 
 " Is the Duchess of Donkeyton at home ? " inquired Mrs. 
 Flather. 
 
 " Who is it ? " asked the porter of the coachman. 
 
 " Mrs. Flather," replied he. 
 
 " Not at home" rejoined the porter, with a slight inclina- 
 tion towards a bow. 
 
 " I have particular business with, the Duchess of Donkey- 
 ton," exclaimed Mrs. Flather, in a state of desperation. 
 
 " Perhaps you'd have the kindness to send in your name," 
 observed the porter, advancing a couple of steps, so as to be 
 able to announce into the carriage, without unnecessarily 
 exerting himself, " that her Grace was rather indisposed, but 
 perhaps she would be able to see her." 
 
 Mrs. Flather having dived into her bag, and fished up a 
 carved ivory case, produced a card, with which the porter 
 presented a footman to hand to the groom of the chamber 
 to carry to the Duchess. 
 
 Who shall describe her feelings as she waited his return ? 
 
 Her Grace was in the drawing-room, superintending the 
 arrangement of her portfolios, after the overhauling of the 
 previous evening's party. Castles were joining cascades, and 
 sea-views coalescing with sunsets. Her first impression on 
 seeing the card was, that Mrs. Flather had made a mistake, 
 and come the day after she was invited. This idea, however, 
 was quickly set at rest by inspecting the lists of invited, 
 accepted, and refused, which ended in the Duchess desiring 
 the servant to show Mrs. Flather in. The unfortunate per- 
 former of her toils, yclept companion, made her exit through 
 an invisible door in the richly gilt walls as Mrs. Flather 
 sidled through the half-opened folding ones at the far end. 
 
 Her Grace of course was charmed to see her, and restored
 
 IIILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 379 
 
 confidence to her now palpitating heart, by that easy affability 
 and kindness of manner almost invariably the attribute of 
 the high-born. Nay, more, it cheered Mrs. Flather onward 
 in her course ; and before the Duchess had run over the 
 commonplaces relative to the weather, the roads, and the 
 distance, the parching dry ness that almost prevented utter- 
 ance as Mrs. Flather entered gradually dissolved, and she sat 
 by the side of the awe-inspiring Duchess far more at her ease 
 than she would have been in conclave with Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 Conversation with people one really has nothing to say to 
 soon comes short up, and the Duchess presently looked at 
 Mrs. Flather, in hopes that she would " lead the gallop," 
 as they say at Newmarket. Twice Mrs. Flather faltered. 
 " Your Grace," was all she uttered before the tongue-tying 
 dryness again assailed her ; and the Duchess at last tried to 
 turn her to her old friend the portfolio, in hopes of engaging 
 her till luncheon was announced. 
 
 " Your Grace," again attempted Mrs. Flather, with the 
 desperate energy of a person bent on a subject, " I am sure 
 you, as a mother, will excuse the " 
 
 Her Grace was surprised at Mrs. Flather's vehemence. 
 She was too high-bred a woman to be put out of her way, 
 and had, besides, a certain constitutional inclination for 
 taking things easy. Mrs. Flather, being wound up, pro- 
 ceeded. 
 
 " I am sure I need not say," continued she, " how deeply 
 I appreciate the honour conferred on my poor girl." 
 
 Her Grace smiled and bowed courteously, thinking it 
 merely had reference to the party she had had them to, and 
 said, " Pray don't mention it." 
 
 This rather put Mrs. Flather out, and her Grace waa 
 just going to draw her attention to the flower-stand beaming 
 radiant before the window another safety valve for country 
 stupidity when Mrs. Flather again went on. " It is cer- 
 tainly a most unexpected a most unlooked-for honour," 
 said she, drawing her best cambric handkerchief out of her 
 bag ; " but I trust Emma will so conduct herself as to prove 
 she is not unworthy of the high confidence your Grace and 
 the Duke have reposed in her."
 
 380 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 The Duchess was " quite sure she would ; indeed they 
 both thought most highly of her. She was a remarkably 
 fine girl. Wish Mrs. Flather had brought her with her." 
 
 This was great encouragement to Mrs. Flather. She 
 proceeded to explain that it was merely a point of delicacy 
 that had prevented her doing so, but that after the kind 
 assurance her Grace had given, of course there could be no 
 difficulty about it, and she would take a very early oppor- 
 tunity of doing so. 
 
 " Her Grace hoped she would would always be most 
 happy to see them," making a knot in her mind at the same 
 time to tell the servants to deny them. 
 
 Luncheon was then announced. 
 
 " Your Grace, perhaps, wouldn't like it to take place 
 very soon ? " said Mrs. Flather, still sticking to her seat. 
 
 " Oh, any time," said her Grace, motioning her to obey the 
 summons. " Wouldn't she take a little luncheon ? " 
 
 Mrs. Flather, however, having heard that " any time was 
 no time," thought she might as well get that point settled. 
 
 " It will require a good deal of preparation," observed 
 she, rising and standing by her chair with her right hand 
 resting on the back. 
 
 The Duchess stared, wondering if Mrs. Flather thought 
 she was invited to stay. 
 
 " I mean that the settlements, and such-like, will take 
 some time doing." 
 
 "Settlements!" exclaimed the Duchess, staring with 
 astonishment. 
 
 " Oh, just as your Grace pleases," replied Mrs. Flather 
 most submissively ; " of course we don't insist upon any- 
 thing of the sort." 
 
 " I fear we misunderstand each other," said the Duchess, 
 reconsidering all that had passed. " It surely isn't Jeems 
 you're thinking about ? It can't be Jeems ! " added she, 
 as the ancestry of twenty generations flashed upon her mind. 
 Mrs. Flather felt as if she would drop through the floor 
 before the Duchess's withering glance. 
 
 " My dear Mrs. Flather," said she, in a low tone, pressing 
 her on the arm to get her to resume her seat ; " my dear
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 381 
 
 Mrs. Flatter, I fear there is some misunderstanding between 
 the Marquis of Bray and yourself. Of course I don't know 
 what has passed between you, or what reasons he may have 
 given your daughter to think he is attached to her, but I 
 must tell you, as a friend " and the Duchess said it in the 
 kindest manner possible " I must tell you as a friend, that 
 it would be the death of the Duke to mention such a thing 
 to him." 
 
 " But his Grace encouraged it ! " exclaimed Mrs. Flather, 
 in the greatest agitation. 
 
 " Impossible, my dear Mrs. Flather ! " replied the Duchess, 
 calmly but firmly. "Impossible, I assure you; you must 
 be under a mistake. The Duke is too proud ; has too great 
 regard for his station to think of such a thing; far too 
 much regard ! " 
 
 " Nay, then " said Mrs. Flather despondingly. 
 
 " Here is the Duke," observed the Duchess, as his Grace 
 popped his snow-wreathed head into the door, to see what 
 kept the Duchess away from her luncheon. 
 
 " Here's Mrs. Flather, my dear ! " exclaimed the Duchess, 
 as he was jerking back, in hopes he had not been ob- 
 served. 
 
 " Ah, Mrs. Flather ! " exclaimed he, with the gaiety of 
 sham delight, as he thought of the hot chicken he had left 
 uncovered. " My dear Mrs. Flather," repeated he, advancing 
 up the spacious room with extended hands, to give her a 
 hearty welcome " how do you do ? " said he, seizing her 
 by both " glad to see you, monstrous glad to see you ; 
 come and have a little luncheon ; on the table quite ready." 
 So saying, his Grace bowed, and waved, and drove her along 
 into the privacy of viands and powdered menials. 
 
 The Duchess followed. 
 
 " And how are you all at home ? " asked the Duke, as 
 he helped Mrs. Flather to a wing and a piece of the breast 
 of one of his own high-fed Dorkings. " Fine fowl that ; 
 monstrous fine fowl," said he ; " reared at my own farm, great 
 farmer, monstrous great farmer. Potatoes of my own grow- 
 ing too," said he, as a footman handed a dish of fine white 
 mealy ones to the appetiteless Mrs. Flather. " And how is
 
 382 HILLLN-QDOtf HALL. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks ? neighbour of yours, isn't he ? good neighbour, 
 monstrous good neighbour, I should think." 
 
 " Very good neighbour indeed, your Grace," replied Mrs. 
 Flather, with an emphasis, seeing which way the wind blew. 
 
 " Clever man," said his Grace, putting the first mouthful 
 of the delicate white meat, with the nicely browned outside, 
 into his mouth. "Monstrous clever man," continued he, 
 chewing away. " And how's his bull ? " 
 
 " Quite well, I believe, your Grace," replied Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Fine bull," said his Grace ; " monstrous fine bull got 
 premium I saw in the papers." 
 
 " Take a glass of sherry with me there's Madeira if you 
 prefer it," said his Grace, seeing Mrs. Flather played with 
 her luncheon. " Your good health," said his Grace, bowing, 
 and drinking off his wine at two gulps. 
 
 " And how's your daughter ? " asked his Grace, after a 
 pause, as he worked away at the chicken, and considered 
 whether the daughter belonged to Mrs. Flather or to Mr. 
 Jorrocks. His Grace knew there was a daughter between 
 them, but he had never been able to get the confusion of 
 the chaise arrangement set right in his head. 
 
 " Quite well, I'm much obliged to your Grace," replied 
 Mrs. Flather, with fervour. 
 
 " Fine girl," said his Grace ; " monstrous fine girl," added 
 he, cutting again at the chicken. 
 
 That observation determined Mrs. Flather to make one 
 effort with the Duke ere she gave up all hopes. Accord- 
 ingly she recollected all her scattered energies, and prepared 
 for the first opening she saw after they left the luncheon 
 room. It was some time before the Duke gave her a 
 chance. He jabbered and talked so fast about flowers, 
 fruits, pheasants, footstools, farming, that she could hardly 
 get a word in sideways. At last he got back to Jorrocks 
 and Hillingdon. 
 
 "And how does Mr. Jorrocks acquit himself on the 
 bench ? " asked the Duke. " Good magistrate, monstrous
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 383 
 
 good magistrate, I should think," added he, answering him- 
 self" keeps the country quiet, I dare say ; peaceable, re- 
 spectable ; good thing to have an active magistrate in your 
 neighbourhood, monstrous good thing." 
 
 " Oh, Mr. Jorrocks is an excellent magistrate ! " exclaimed 
 Mrs. Flather, as soon as she was allowed an opportunity. 
 
 " And a good neighbour, I make no doubt," added the 
 Duke ; " sociable, agreeable, sensible," thinking Mr. Jorrocks 
 would be like himself. 
 
 " Most agreeable man ! " exclaimed Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Great farmer, I suppose ? " observed the Duke ; 
 " talented farmer, monstrous talented farmer ; disciple ot 
 Smith of Deanston's? Smith is the greatest benefactor 
 the world ever saw ; monstrous benefactor ! " 
 
 " The Marquis of Bray is a great farmer, isn't he ? " asked 
 Mrs. Flather, seizing the opportunity. 
 
 " Oh, Jeems is a great farmer monstrous great farmer," 
 replied his Grace, with a series of nods of the head " fond 
 of guinea-pigs monstrous fond of guinea-pigs has a whole 
 drove up at Mrs. Jobson's." 
 
 " His lordship was kind enough to express his partiality 
 for my daughter," observed Mrs. Flather, with desperate 
 resolution. 
 
 " Did he indeed," exclaimed his Grace, not exactly catch- 
 ing the sentence Mrs. Flather's hurried articulation rendered 
 doubtful. " Good judge monstrous good judge," added the 
 Duke, thinking he would beat a retreat to his country paper, 
 The Dozey Independent, which was published that day. 
 
 " I am glad it meets .your Grace's approbation," observed 
 the emboldened Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Quite, I assure you," said his Grace " good thing 
 monstrous good thing indeed." 
 
 " Well, I think there is nothing like young people settling 
 early in life," rejoined Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Nothing like it ! " said his Grace ; " nothing like it," 
 repeated he, looking at his watch. " However, I am sorry 
 I must bid you good morning," added he, with a feigned 
 start, as if he had discovered he was behind time. " I 
 have a despatch from the Home Office : the Duchess will
 
 384 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 be glad to take a walk with you show you the aviary 
 the goold fish Jeems's rabbits her Italian greyhounds." 
 So saying, with a wave of the hand towards where the now 
 horrified Duchess stood, his Grace sidled and backed out of 
 the drawing-room. 
 
 Mrs. Flather was not a great hand at reading physiog- 
 nomies, or she would have seen astonishment and indignation 
 mantling on the Duchess's brow. As it was, she thought 
 she had rather got a " crow " over her the Duke having 
 so eagerly ratified what her Grace had so lately derided. 
 
 " The Duke, you see, is quite in favour of the match," 
 observed she, advancing towards the Duchess, with a smile 
 on her vacant countenance. 
 
 Her Grace deigned no reply. 
 
 "I'm sure," continued she, rather taken aback by the 
 Duchess's manner, " it will be our study to please and make 
 ourselves agreeable and and to your Grace " 
 
 The Duchess bowed slightly. 
 
 " It is an honour we had no right perhaps to aspire to," 
 simpered Mrs. Flather ; " but I hope we shall conduct our- 
 selves becomingly. I'm sure," added she, "I hope it may 
 be many years before my daughter occupies your Grace's 
 place." The Duchess bridled up, but still held her peace. 
 " The Duke too, I'm sure I hope he may live a long time," 
 simpered Mrs. Flather ; " no two people, I can assure you, 
 your Grace, can be less desirous of an early change than my 
 daughter and myself." The same provoking silence greeted 
 this handsome announcement. 
 
 "Titles are nothing compared to happiness," simpered 
 Mrs. Flather; "I wouldn't my daughter should marry a 
 prince if he were not a man of good principles." 
 
 " Really, Mrs. Flather," said her Grace, unable any longer 
 to contain herself, "you must allow me to tell you that 
 you are labouring under a strong delusion." 
 
 " How so, your Grace ? " and Mrs. Flather stared. 
 
 " In the first place, in supposing that our son would ever 
 think of marrying your daughter ; and in the second place, 
 in supposing that the Duke and myself would ever sanction 
 such a thing."
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 385 
 
 "But he stated his positive delight at the prospect of it 
 not two minutes ago," exclaimed Mrs. Flather, with the most 
 determined confidence. 
 
 " You quite misunderstood him," said the Duchess ; " you 
 quite misunderstood him," repeated she ; " the Duke is the 
 last man in the world to approve nay, hear of an unequal 
 match. What ! " exclaimed the Duchess, her eyes flashing 
 as she spoke, "the representative of twenty generations 
 throwing himself away in such a manner ! " 
 
 Mrs. Mather was dumfoundered. 
 
 "No, my dear Mrs. Flather," continued her Grace, her 
 features softening as she proceeded, "let me advise you to 
 get rid of the idea dismiss it from your mind it can only 
 make your daughter and every one concerned ridiculous." 
 
 " I couldn't use the Duke so badly, so ungratefully," 
 replied Mrs. Flather, now fully impressed with the idea that 
 the Duchess was deceiving her. 
 
 "/ again assure you, you misunderstood the Duke," 
 observed her Grace, " or the Duke misunderstood you. He 
 is rather deaf, and perhaps did not hear what you said." 
 
 Mrs. Flather looked incredulous. 
 
 " I assure you it is the case." 
 
 Mrs. Flather was silent. She still doubted. The Duchess, 
 she thought, must be deceiving her. The Duke seemed to 
 expect the observation, and to jump at it. His manner, 
 too, was most impressive when she arrived most affectionate. 
 The Duchess saw the turn things were taking in Mrs. 
 Flather's mind, and gave her time to think them over. 
 
 " Would you like to see the Duke again ? " at length 
 said she, " and ask him the question yourself ? " 
 
 Mrs. Flather muttered something about " Mistake some- 
 where. The Duchess might be mistaken, perhaps." 
 
 " But is it likely," inquired her Grace, " that on a subject 
 so deeply affecting the interests nay, the happiness of 
 our son, that there should be any mystery or misconception 
 between the Duke and myself?" 
 
 Mrs. Flather was silent ; she thought it more evident 
 that the Duchess wanted to get rid of her and try and 
 dissuade the Duke from it. 
 
 2 B
 
 386 H1LLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 " Nay, you are a mother yourself," observed the Duchess ; 
 " would you, if your husband was alive, have any conceal- 
 ments from him on such a subject ? " 
 
 " Certainly not," said Mrs. Flather, who had always prided 
 herself upon being a pattern wife. " But your Grace and 
 the Duke may differ on the point," boldly observed the 
 aspiring mother. 
 
 " Nothing of the sort, I assure you," rejoined the Duchess 
 most emphatically ; " nothing of the sort, I assure you. The 
 Duke and I have no secrets, no disagreements on any subject." 
 
 Mrs. Flather didn't know what to say. 
 
 " Let us take a turn on the terrace," at length said the 
 Duchess, really feeling for Mrs. Flather 's situation. " Forget 
 what has passed," said she, rising, " and it shall never be 
 mentioned or referred to by me." 
 
 "Well," said Mrs. Flather, in a tone of despair, still 
 thinking it was a ruse of the Duchess's to get her away. 
 
 " But don't let me take you if you would like to see the 
 Duke again on the subject," observed her Grace, reading 
 reluctance in Mrs. Flather's countenance. 
 
 " Well," said she, after a pause, during which she thought 
 of the enormous stake she was playing for a coronet and 
 coach and six the distinction of strawberry leaves not 
 being much understood, a coronet being a coronet in the 
 country ; when she thought, we say, of the stake she was 
 playing for, she resolved not to lose a chance. " Well," 
 said she, "in so important and delicate an affair, an 
 affair involving the happiness of my daughter, perhaps 
 her life for I will not deny that her affections are deeply 
 engaged I really think I should not be acting right were 
 I not to avail myself of your Grace's proposition ; not that 
 I in the slightest degree doubt the the the accuracy of 
 your Grace's assertion at least not the the the accuracy 
 of your Grace's belief that the Duke is is is I dare say 
 your Grace knows what I mean; but still, in so delicate a 
 matter, I'm sure you'll forgive the feelings of a mother, 
 and " here she applied her cambric to her eyes.
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 387 
 
 The Duchess assured her she could make every allowance 
 for her. If seeing the Duke again would satisfy her, she 
 would advise her by all means to do so. She would find 
 him in the library, and she would either accompany her or 
 not as she liked ; meanwhile Mrs. Flather had better compose 
 herself, and thereupon the Duchess urged her to sit down, 
 knowing, as she well did, that the Duke abominated a scene. 
 Perhaps the Duchess thought that a little reflection might 
 make Mrs. Flather think better of it, but there she was mis- 
 taken, an old woman being as bad to turn as a sheep. 
 
 Mrs. Flather sat counting the silk fringe on her shawl, 
 giving herself a certain length, and settling that if the bunches 
 came even it should be a sign of luck ; and if odd, the reverse. 
 She had got through her task, and declared for even, when 
 the radiance the circumstance threw into her countenance 
 made the Duchess think she was ready for something, and 
 accordingly she addressed her by inquiring what she would 
 like to do. 
 
 "Oh, to see the Duke, by all means," observed Mrs. 
 Flather, now more than ever convinced that the Duchess 
 was deceiving her. 
 
 " He is in the library," observed her Grace ; " would you 
 like me to go in and tell him what you want to speak to 
 him about, or shall I accompany you, and leave you to broach 
 the subject yourself?" 
 
 Mrs. Flather would rather have gone by herself, but she 
 had no notion of letting the Duchess have the first word, 
 very likely prejudicing, or may be intimidating, the Duke. 
 However, as she could not well tell her Grace she would 
 rather have nothing to do with her, she very politely begged 
 she would not give herself the trouble of going ; if she would 
 just show her where his Grace was, she would not trouble 
 her Grace any further. 
 
 The Duchess assented, and led the way to the library.
 
 ( 388 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XXXV. 
 
 " Sleeping within mine orchard, 
 My custom always in the afternoon, 
 Upon my secure hour Mrs. Flather stole." 
 
 'HE Duke of Donkeyton, on retiring to the library- 
 after the exertions of the luncheon table, Dozey 
 Independent in hand, had thrown himself into 
 the deep recesses of the easiest of the many 
 easy chairs with which the apartment was supplied. In 
 truth, it was a noble chair a chair well becoming a Duke. 
 The curiously carved, black oak frame- work glided on the 
 highest finished castors; while the back, sides, and arms 
 were stuffed with puffy, rich-cut velvet cushions, with invisible 
 springs. Though copied from the antique, it had none of 
 the inconvenient height or inverse propensities of the 
 original. On the contrary, the Duke's head just rubbed 
 above the back cushion, as in the abandon of his easy hour 
 he stuck his legs out before him, straight as a deal-board, or 
 a lay figure in a studio. 
 
 Here, in one of the deep recesses formed by the windows 
 in the massive walls, the Duke was in the habit of wheeling 
 himself just sufficiently far to enable him to enjoy the per- 
 fume of the flowers wafting from the terrace, and the scenery 
 of the distant hills, without being visible to those below. 
 
 A little more luncheon than he usually ate, with a little 
 more talk than he usually indulged in, together with the 
 extreme heat of the day, aided perhaps by the autumnal 
 dulness of his newspaper and the seductive qualities of the 
 easy-chair, had sent his Grace off in a nap sooner than usual ; 
 and when the Duchess and Mrs. Flather entered the room,
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL 389 
 
 his shining bald head appeared above the crimson, bullion- 
 fringed cushion in such a position as, without the deep 
 snore he every now and then emitted, clearly proclaimed 
 that his Grace slept. 
 
 He was quite comfortable. His mouth was wide open, 
 his legs were stretched out before him, his eye-glasses hung 
 on his unbuttoned buff-waistcoat as they had fallen from his 
 nose, and the well-ironed Dozey Independent stood from the 
 carpet just touching his right hand, as it hung negligently 
 over the chair side. A large " blue-bottle " fly buzzed and 
 bumped and noised about the room, now exploring the 
 Duke's bald head, now settling on his nose, now apparently 
 determining to enter his noble mouth. The impudence of 
 a blue-bottle passes all comprehension. 
 
 "Perhaps we had better not disturb his Grace," observed 
 Mrs. Flather, in a whisper. 
 
 Mr. Flather used not to like being disturbed when making 
 his sermons, and Mrs. Flather recollected this. 
 
 " Oh, hell not mind," replied the Duchess, in her usual 
 tone, thinking to awake him by the noise. 
 
 A loud snore. 
 
 The blue-bottle buzzed away, making a small circuit in 
 the air scared perhaps by the intruders. They proceeded 
 slowly and noiselessly over the soft Turkey carpet, Mrs. 
 Flather half inclined to stop the Duchess, lest awaking the 
 Duke should have a prejudicial effect. Before she could 
 make up her mind to do so, however, the Duchess had 
 reached the occupant of the easy-chair, and placing her 
 hand on his shoulder, gave him a half sort of shake, with 
 " Jeems, my dear, here is Mrs. Flather wishes to speak to 
 you." Just then the blue-bottle, after buzzing round about 
 the Duke's nose, had paid a visit to his nostril, and his 
 Grace started in his chair with a perfect cannon of a sneeze. 
 
 " Ah-whitz ! " sneezed the Duke again, as if he would 
 blow himself to pieces. " Ah-whitz ! " repeated he, getting up 
 and diving into his pocket for his handkerchief. " Ah-whitz ! " 
 he went again, with the water streaming from his eyes.
 
 390 HILLINGDOX HALT. 
 
 Mrs. Flatter trembled for her mission. 
 
 " Ah-whitz ! ah-whitz! ah-whitz!" sneezed the Duke in 
 succession. " Cold monstrous bad cold," said he, mopping 
 his eyes. 
 
 " Mrs. Flather wishes to see you, my dear," observed the 
 Duchess, amidst a tremendous " ah-whitz " from his Grace. 
 
 " Me ! " exclaimed the Duke, in astonishment, " ah-whitz ! 
 What can she want with me ? ah-whitz" said he, smother- 
 ing his face in his handkerchief. 
 
 The Duchess, fearing his Grace might say something he 
 ought not, here drew Mrs. Flather forward, and when the 
 Duke took his face out of its bandanna bed, his would-be 
 relative was full before him. 
 
 " Ah, my dear Mrs. Flather, how do you do ? " asked his 
 Grace, offering one hand, while he mopped his face with the 
 other ; "glad to see you very glad to see you" His Grace 
 could not say " monstrous," for where is the man who likes 
 to be interrupted in a sneeze. " Hope you are all well at 
 home ? " asked his Grace, running on in the usual form. 
 
 " Quite well, I'm much obliged to your Grace," replied 
 Mrs. Flather, nothing disconcerted at his apparent forgetful- 
 ness of her. " I wish to speak a few words to your Grace 
 respecting my daughter," faltered Mrs. Flather, amid a long 
 protracted ah-whitz from his Grace. 
 
 " She's quite well, I hope ? " observed his Grace. " Ah- 
 whitz oh, I beg your pardon ah-whitz I saw you before," 
 he added, giving his nose a final blow, and returning his 
 handkerchief to his pocket. " Got a bad cold monstrous 
 bad cold," said he, shutting back the window. " Susan, my 
 dear, what time have you ordered the carriage ? " The Duke 
 thought to give Mrs. Flather a hint, but she was not the 
 person to take one. 
 
 " Mrs. Flather wishes to have a little conversation with 
 you, my love," observed the Duchess. 
 
 "Pray sit down," said the Duke, wheeling Mrs. Flather 
 in a chair as he buttoned up his waistcoat. "Wants a 
 commission for a son, I suppose," thought he to himself, for- 
 getting she had just told him it was her daughter she wanted 
 to speak about. Mrs. Flather looked at the Duchess, and
 
 HILL1XGDON HALL. 391 
 
 was silent. Her Grace then withdrew. Mrs. Flather seated 
 herself. 
 
 " It is a very delicate subject I've come to speak to your 
 Grace about," observed Mrs. Flather, arranging the fringe of 
 her shawl on her knee, and dressing it out as she spoke ; 
 " but I'm sure your Grace will excuse the freedom I have 
 taken." 
 
 " Make no apology," observed his Grace. " Make no 
 apology," repeated he encouragingly. 
 
 "You are doubtless aware," continued Mrs. Flather, still 
 arranging her fringe as she spoke, " that there has been 
 a certain something going on for some time between my 
 daughter and your son." 
 
 " What, Jeems ! " exclaimed the Duke, starting, and staring 
 with astonishment. 
 
 "The Marquis of Bray," faltered Mrs. Flather, staggered 
 at the Duke's amazement. 
 
 " Indeed /" exclaimed the Duke, in a subdued tone; adding, 
 with a solemn shake of the head, " sorry to hear it monstrous 
 sorry to hear it." 
 
 Mrs. Flather was nonplussed. The parching dryness again 
 closed her lips, and she sat pulling at the shawl fringe till 
 she drew out a bunch. 
 
 " Well," said the Duke, wheeling his chair nearer to hers 
 as she achieved this feat, " tell me all about it. When did 
 it happen ? " 
 
 " Oh, it's been going on for some time," sobbed Mrs. Flather, 
 drawing her cambric from her bag. 
 
 The Duke paused to let her have her cry. 
 
 " Well," said the Duke, when she seemed about done, 
 " I'm sorry for it, monstrous sorry for it. Jeems is a naughty 
 boy monstrous naughty boy; am angry with Jeems 
 monstrous angry with Jeems ; had no business to do anything 
 of the sort gave him my Lord Chesterfield's ' Letters to his 
 Son/ with the passage recommending young men to attach 
 themselves to married women, underlined in red ink, and 
 marked in the margin. Great pity monstrous great pity,"
 
 392 HILLINGDOtf HALL. 
 
 added the Duke, with a succession of nods of the head 
 " fine girl monstrous fine girl. However, I'll tell you 
 what," continued he, in an undertone to Mrs. Flather, laying 
 his hand confidentially on her arm, "it's no use making a 
 row about it the less said the letter." 
 
 " Indeed ! " sobbed Mrs. Flather, pulling out another bunch 
 of fringe. 
 
 " No," said the Duke, with another batch of shakes and 
 shrugs, " none whatever." 
 
 Mrs. Flather sobbed in silence. 
 
 " I'll tell you what," said the Duke, " the best thing you 
 can do is to take her abroad go a little tour up the Rhine 
 into Switzerland down to Milan on to Florence, if you 
 like. I'll pay the expenses draw upon me for five hundred, 
 a thousand if you like. May marry her perhaps Swiss 
 colonel Italian count French general no saying ; fine 
 girl monstrous fine girl ; but if you don't, why, you'll come 
 back at the end of a certain time, and no one will know any- 
 thing about it be any the wiser. These sort of things are 
 unpleasant, no doubt monstrous unpleasant ; but accidents 
 will happen youthful indiscretion more cautious in future ; 
 sorry for it, I assure you monstrous sorry for it ; but rely 
 upon it, it's no use making a row about it hush it up hush 
 it up as the Duke of Wellington said." 
 
 " But your Grace misunderstands me," said Mrs. Flather, 
 as soon as the Duke's fringed face began to settle on his 
 shoulders ; " your Grace misunderstands me, I think," re- 
 peated she, " it's my daughter's affections the Marquis has 
 engaged ; and " 
 
 " I understand," interrupted the Duke " perfectly under- 
 stand ; but what can we do, you know ? What can we do ? " 
 
 " I supposed it was with your Grace's knowledge," sobbed 
 Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Not at all, I assure you, not at all," rejoined his Grace ; 
 " on the contrary, always recommended Chesterfield to Jeems. 
 Good book monstrous good book: Chesterfield knew the 
 world. But, however, what's done can't be helped." 
 
 " But he came over to Hillingdon with your Grace's know- 
 ledge, I suppose ? " asked Mrs. Flather.
 
 THE DUKE'S HORROR AT THE MARQUIS MARRYING A COMMONER.
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 393 
 
 " Undoubtedly he did," replied the Duke j " undoubtedly 
 he did : but that was to see old Mr. Jorrocks talk about 
 farming improve the breed of husbandry horses study 
 agricultural chemistry, and so on. I suppose then had been 
 the time he had come over your daughter." 
 
 " Oh, it was only talking," observed Mrs. Flather, anxious 
 to remove the impression under which the Duke laboured. 
 
 " Only talking ! " said the Duke, with surprise ; " talking's 
 nothing talking's nothing." 
 
 "It's a great deal to an innocent young country girl, 
 your Grace," observed Mrs. Flather. 
 
 "Don't see why it should," said the Duke, "don't see 
 why it should. Of course it depends a good deal upon 
 what is said," added he. 
 
 " Of course," replied Mrs. Flather. " He certainly gave 
 Emma to understand that he was very much attached to her." 
 
 " Foolish boy, foolish boy," observed the Duke, with a 
 series of nods of the head ; " however, there is no putting 
 old heads on young shoulders. I remember my poor father 
 the eighth Duke heaven rest him ! saying the very 
 same thing to me no putting old heads on young shoulders; 
 and so it will be to the end of the chapter so it will be to 
 the end of the chapter." 
 
 Mrs. Flather measured the fringe with her knuckle. It 
 was three-quarters of a yard. 
 
 A long silence ensued. 
 
 " Well, I suppose we can make nothing better of it," at 
 length said the Duke, with a yawn, wishing Mrs. Flather 
 would take her departure. 
 
 " Then I fear we cannot make anything better of it," at 
 length said Mrs. Flather, remeasuring the fringe, and looking 
 intently at the Duke. 
 
 " Upon my word there seems to be nothing to make better 
 of," observed the Duke. " There's no harm done that I 
 can see." 
 
 "None if your Grace encourages the match," observed 
 Mrs. Flather boldly. 
 
 " Encourage the match! " exclaimed the Duke, starting up. 
 "What! Jeems marry a commoner! a a a IMPOSSIBLE!"
 
 394 IIILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 and the Duke stamped as though he would rouse his dor- 
 mant ancestry to avenge the insult. 
 
 Mrs. Flather shook with fear. What might have fol- 
 lowed must remain matter of surmise ; for, fortunately, 
 the Duchess's pride could no longer restrain her curiosity, 
 and she returned to the library just at the critical moment. 
 She had advanced far up the spacious apartment before 
 either party was aware of her presence. The Duke saw 
 her first. 
 
 " Susan, my dear ! " exclaimed he, in a towering passion, 
 "Mrs. Flather has done us the honour of coming here to 
 claim our son in marriage for her daughter." 
 
 " Indeed ! " replied the Duchess mildly, well knowing 
 there was no occasion for them both to set on her at once. 
 
 " Compliment ! great compliment ! monstrous great com- 
 pliment ! isn't it ? " asked the Duke, white as his whiskers. 
 
 " Perhaps if you are satisfied now" observed the Duchess 
 with an emphasis, to Mrs. Flather, " you had better retire ; 
 his Grace is not very well to-day," added she, in an under- 
 tone, " and does not like to be disturbed." 
 
 Mrs. Flather took the hint and trotted away with the 
 Duchess, nothing loth to leave the obstreperous Duke. 
 
 " I think I would like to go home," said Mrs. Flather, 
 half sick with mortification, " if you will allow me to ring 
 for my carriage," continued she, making for the bell as she 
 
 " Pray sit down a little and compose yourself," observed 
 the Duchess, drawing a chair towards her "you are 
 agitated." 
 
 "I shall be better as soon as I get into the open air, 
 thank you," observed Mrs. Flather, in a tone of the deepest 
 despondency. 
 
 The Duchess tried to get her to talk on various subjects, 
 from the weather down to the portfolio; but Mrs. Flather 
 was dead beat ; " yes " and " no " were all she could say ; 
 and sometimes she said one when she ought to have said 
 the other.
 
 IIILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 395 
 
 The footman's " Your carriage is at the door, if you please, 
 marm," sounded a welcome release ; and the Duchess, by 
 no means sorry to get rid of her pertinacious visitor, offered 
 her arm to accompany her to the door. 
 
 From the loop-hole window of his dressing-room above, 
 Jeems saw his " ma-in-law " ascend the lofty steps of the 
 antiquated landaulet and drive away amid the adieus of the 
 Duchess.
 
 ( 396 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVI. 
 
 " He wot prigs what isn't hisn, 
 If he's kotched, 'ill go to prison." 
 
 NEWGATE LYEICS. 
 
 |j "WAY from the scenes where our mistakes arise, 
 away from the friends who prompt their course, 
 how soon the mind sees its errors, and points 
 to the path we should not have deserted ! 
 
 Ere Mrs. Flather's rattle-trap jingled under the castellated 
 gateway of Donkeyton Castle Park, she saw how Emma and 
 she had mutually assisted in deceiving each other, how their 
 wishes had been father to their thoughts. 
 
 Before she got two miles on her road, she wondered that 
 she could have been so silly as to go. It wasn't likely the 
 Marquis should have seriously thought of Emma ; still more 
 improbable that the Duke and Duchess would sanction, much 
 less wish for such a match. Most likely there were places 
 in London where great people met, and though Emma's and 
 her knowledge of high life was confined to the Donkeytons, 
 she began to suspect that great people were more numerous 
 than they imagined. They might not be so great as the 
 Donkeytons, perhaps, but still great enough to prevent the 
 Marquis from being so desperately put to as to have to seek 
 the country for a wife. 
 
 Mrs. Flather was greatly distressed distressed that she 
 should have made such a fool of herself, and vexed that she 
 had not checked instead of encouraging Emma. Then there 
 was Mr. Jorrocks, and his odious matter-of-fact questions, 
 and Mrs. Trotter's still more odious curiosity. Altogether, 
 Mrs. Flather was in a bad way. The Duchess was sure to
 
 HILLIXGDCXX HALL. 397 
 
 tell ; she would tell the Marquis, the Marquis would tell 
 Mr. Jorrocks, Mr. Jorrocks would tell Mrs. Jorrocks, and 
 Mrs. Jorrocks would tell all the world. Horrible idea ! 
 
 Then Mrs. Flather thought how she should meet Emma ; 
 what little consolation she might expect from her. And 
 again she deplored having encouraged instead of checking 
 her folly. 
 
 It so happened on this eventful day, that there had been 
 a very small attendance of the Justices of our Sovereign Lady 
 the Queen at Sellborough Petty Sessions, Mr. Green and 
 Mr. Jorrocks being the only ones present ; Captain Bluster 
 had got the lumbago, Mr. Smith had gone to look at a 
 horse, and Mr. Somebody else to look at a cow, and a 
 third gentleman's wife was ill. 
 
 Mr. Green having popped into court a few minutes before 
 our worthy friend, had got possession of the chair, and was 
 sitting in state when Mr. Jorrocks arrived. The Clerk too 
 was away, and his place was supplied by a subordinate. A 
 case had just been called on under the Vagrant Act, dis- 
 posable of by one magistrate. It was a charge by Farmer 
 Goosecap against some of the independent, itinerant tribe 
 Hannah Hardy, Jane Hardy, William Hardy, and Alfred 
 Hardy, very swarthy ringletty people of trying to make 
 free with his poultry; and Goosecap, having had that 
 compliment paid him before, wanted the full measure of 
 vengeance nunc pro tune, as Captain Bluster would say. 
 
 It seems the ladies had held Goosecap in fortune-telling 
 talk, while the men inspected the poultry-yard ; but in 
 trying to catch old chanticleer, he made such a noise as 
 disturbed the servants, who gave the alarm ; and, wonderful 
 to relate, they took the whole troop. 
 
 Goosecap had got to about the middle of his story when 
 Mr. Jorrocks entered, but seeing the people, and hearing the 
 latter part of it, Mr. Jorrocks had no difficulty in com- 
 prehending the case, and entering fully into it. 
 
 " They'd have a jackass, I reckon ? " observed our Squire 
 interrogatively, as the complainant finished. 
 
 " Yes, sir, they had," replied Goosecap, " tethered in the 
 lane, about a quarter of a mile off."
 
 39 8 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " I thought so ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, grinding his 
 teeth, and looking as if he would eat the whole troop. " I 
 thought so," repeated he. " Every man," continued he, 
 most sententiously, " wot keeps a jackass is a waggabone ; 
 every man wot keeps a jackass keeps a pair of big panniers 
 also, and there's no sayin' wot on airih goes into them. I'd 
 conwict them all as rogues and waggabones," added he, 
 turning to Mr. Green, " and give them full measure three 
 months to the 'ouse of C., 'ard labour, and all that sort o' 
 thing." 
 
 Mr. Green was an indiscriminate humanity-monger, a 
 man who made as much to do about committing a hardened 
 vagabond as others would with a reclaimable first offender, 
 and always tried how little justice he could do and how great 
 a show of feeling he could make. Many men do the same. 
 It is a cheap way of gaining credit for kind-heartedness. 
 
 Finding Mr. Jorrocks was in the trouncing mood not 
 always the case with the old gentleman either, particularly 
 when the offenders happened to be females Mr. Green 
 waxed uncommonly merciful, and in reply to Mr. Jorrocks's 
 hint, observed that he couldn't do it under the Act. There- 
 upon a long wrangle ensued between our worthy friend and 
 his colleague, as to the difference between idle and disorderly 
 persons and rogues and vagabonds, but which we will let 
 Mr. Jorrocks explain when he tells his story to Mrs. Mather, 
 which we will now accompany him to do. 
 
 The business of the day being over, Mr. Jorrocks be- 
 thought him, as he repaired to the inn for his machine, to 
 ask where the job-carriage was gone to, and finding that 
 it was bound to Donkey ton Castle, as Benjamin said, Mr. 
 Jorrocks drove very quietly in that direction, and soon 
 ascertained at the first turnpike gate that the well-known 
 vehicle had gone through, and not having returned, our 
 friend kept moving leisurely on, commenting on the hus- 
 bandry of the district, and the stupidity of Mr. Green in 
 not knowing the difference between an idle and disorderly 
 person and a rogue and vagabond. 
 
 At length he espied the old posters, bobbing their heads up 
 and down at a sort of walking trot, while the driver's right
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 399 
 
 arm went out at regular intervals, laying the pig-jobber 
 whip-thong straight along the carcass of the off-side one. 
 
 " 'Ere she comes," said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, as the 
 old vehicle neared him. " I'll give her an agreeable sur- 
 prise." So saying, our friend drew up under a now leaf- 
 shedding sycamore, and quietly waited her coming. Could 
 he but have seen into Mrs. Flather's mind, he would have 
 spared her the infliction ; but Mr. Jorrocks having no cares 
 himself at least none superior to the interests of his bull 
 it never entered his head that other people could have any, 
 certainly not ladies, who, he thought, were only meant for 
 amusement. 
 
 " YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE ! " roared our worthy friend, 
 rising in his vehicle, as Mrs. Mather, in a state of utter 
 dejection, came jingling past where he sat. 
 
 " Scream ! help ! scream ! " went Mrs. Flather, to the 
 convulsions of the coachman and Benjamin, and the great 
 amusement of Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Oh, Mr. Jorrocks ! how could you ? " exclaimed Mrs. 
 Flather angrily. " You don't knowhowyou've frightened me." 
 
 " Nonsense, my leetle dack, nonsense ! " said Mr. Jorrocks 
 soothingly. " It's only me I " 
 
 " But you don't know how you frightened me, Mr. Jorrocks," 
 sobbed Mrs. Flather, diving into her reticule for her pocket- 
 handkerchief. 
 
 " Nonsense, my darlin' ! " continued Mr. Jorrocks, " non- 
 sense, it's only fan." 
 
 Mrs. Flather sobbed violently, glad to get a vent for 
 her tears. Mr. Jorrocks looked foolish at the result of his 
 practical joke. 
 
 " You take the reins," said Mr. Jorrocks to Benjamin, 
 " and drive quietly on arter the chay, and I'll ride 'ome 
 with Mrs. Flather," continued he, getting out of his own 
 vehicle, and opening the door of Mrs. Flather's. 
 
 " Shall I help you, sir ? " asked the coachman, looking 
 down from his box at Mr. Jorrocks's movements. 
 
 " You don't take me for a cripple, do you ? " replied our 
 friend snappishly, "that I can't get in by myself?" 
 
 Thereupon Mr. Jorrocks let down the long flight of
 
 400 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 steps, resembling Robinson Crusoe's ladder, and prepared to 
 ascend. 
 
 Up he got. 
 
 The thing then was to get the steps back again, and this 
 rather puzzled Mr. Jorrocks ; his short fat arms could not 
 reach low enough to get a sufficient purchase to pull them up 
 in a heap so as to fold them like a map, or a joiner's foot- 
 rule, and it was no use attempting them at the top. Head 
 downwards, he tried in vain, each effort drawing ill-suppressed 
 bursts of laughter from the coachman and Benjamin, as the 
 Jorrockian jacket's fan-tail flew up, and the Squire seemed 
 likely to land head-foremost on the ground. 
 
 It was no go. 
 
 " Vy don't you come and shet Mrs. Plather's chay door 
 for her, Binjimin ? " at last exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, starting 
 up, and throwing the fan-tail back, as Benjamin snickered 
 right out. " The devil's in these servants," muttered Mr. 
 Jorrocks, seating himself by Mrs. Flather ; " they seem to 
 think they're kept to do nothin' at all. I'll skin you alive," 
 muttered Mr. Jorrocks, with a shake of the head, as Benjamin 
 refolded the rattling, ill-jointed, iron steps. " Now," said 
 Mr. Jorrocks to the coachman, as the door banged to, 
 " drive quietly 'ome ; don't 'urry, for my quad, is a folio win', 
 and is rayther tired." 
 
 There was little need for this humane injunction, for 
 coachee had no idea of hurrying indeed his cattle were 
 incapable of it, and having jerked and flopped them into 
 motion, on they went at the 
 
 " We're a' nodding, 
 Nid, nid, nodding " 
 
 sort of pace that they had hove in sight at. 
 
 " Well, my leetle dack," said Mr. Jorrocks, in an under- 
 tone, scrudging up to Mrs. Flather and squeezing her hand ; 
 " well, my leetle dack," said he, " you've recovered your 
 fright, I 'opes." 
 
 " Indeed I haven't," replied Mrs. Flather snappishly ; 
 "you've almost thrown me into hysterics made me 
 shockingly nervous."
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 401 
 
 " That's a great pity," observed Mr. Jorrocks, " werry 
 great pity ; I only meant it for fan." 
 
 " I don't like such horse fun," said Mrs. Flather, anything 
 but pleased at our friend's intrusion into her carriage. 
 
 " Only me" said Mr. Jorrocks soothingly. 
 
 Mrs. Flather pouted her lip and was silent. 
 
 " And when's Emma to be a marchioness ? " at length 
 asked Mr. Jorrocks, thinking to say something to please 
 Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Don't talk nonsense," replied Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Nonsense ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks ; " I 'opes there's no 
 nonsense in the matter ; real, good, substantial, downright 
 matter-o'-fact-ism I should 'ope. You've been to the Castle, 
 'aven't you ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Never you mind, Mr. Curiosity," replied Mrs. Flather, 
 colouring at the question. " And pray where have you 
 been ? " asked she, anxious to turn the conversation. 
 
 " Oh, why, you know, I told you i' the mornin' I was goin' 
 a beakin'. It's our beak day, you know," added the Justice. 
 
 " And had you much business ? " inquired Mrs. Flather, 
 anxious for any subject rather than the Castle one. 
 
 " Not much," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " not much ; this 
 alteration in the New Poor Law, I expect, will make more. 
 We had a case too that puzzled Mr. Green, and do all I 
 could I couldn't set him right." 
 
 " What was that ? " inquired Mrs. Flather, glad to lead 
 our friend on to what, at any other time, would have been a 
 dreaded subject. 
 
 " Why, it was this," replied Mr. Jorrocks, taking off his 
 hat and placing it between his legs, " it was a case under 
 the fifth o' George the Fourth, chapter eighty-two, commonly 
 called the Wagrant Hact, being a Hact for the punishment 
 of idle and disorderly persons, and rogues and waggabones. 
 Now, this fifth o' George the Fourth, chapter eighty-two, in 
 my opinion, is the finest piece o' legislation extant; beats 
 old Magna Charta, new charter, and all other charters into 
 fits. In fact, there's nothin' like the fifth o' George the 
 Fourth for keeping things straight." 
 
 20
 
 402 HILLLNGDON HALL. 
 
 " Indeed ! " observed Mrs. Flather, who had never heard 
 of its efficacy before. 
 
 " Well then, you see," said Mr. Jorrocks, " this fifth o' 
 George the Fourth diwides offenders into three classes, jest as 
 railway directors diwide their passengers. First," said Mr. 
 Jorrocks, pressing the forefinger of his right hand against 
 the thumb on his left, "is the great cock offender, called 
 ' INCORRIGIBLE ROGUE,' a chap wot's too bad for anything : 
 he has passed through the other two coaches and got to a 
 first-class carriage. Next to him," continued Mr. Jorrocks, 
 putting his forefingers together, " is the ' rogue and wagga- 
 bone ; ' and lastly, comes the idle and disorderly person. 
 You twig ? " asked he, looking at Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Perfectly," replied she, thinking what a wigging she 
 would get from Emma. 
 
 " Well then, you see," said Mr. Jorrocks, " this fifth o' 
 George the Fourth a Hact wot may be jestly called the 
 true palladium of our rights describes what shall constitute 
 the three classes of offenders. Idle and disorderly persons 
 are not those wot leave their keys, work-bags, and pocket 
 hand&erches about, but beggars and people wot won't work 
 people wanderin' abroad, or placin' themselves in any 
 public place, street, 'ighway, court, or passage, to beg or 
 gather halms ; and these it is lawful for a jestice to commit 
 on his own view, as it is called, to the 'ouse of 0., which 
 means Correction, there to be kept to 'ard labour for any 
 time not exceedin' one calendar month. You understand all 
 that ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks, looking in Mrs. Flather's face, 
 who had fallen into a reverie. 
 
 " Perfectly," replied the lady. 
 
 " Then," continued Mr. Jorrocks, " comes rogues and 
 waggabones ; this is where Green got wrong to-day. The 
 clause describin' rogues and waggabones sets out by referrin' 
 to the precedin' one about the idle and disorderly persons, it 
 being the intention o' the statut'-makers that no person 
 should be idle and disorderly twice." 
 
 " Indeed ! " exclaimed Mrs. Flather, thinking that would 
 be a grand secret to possess. 
 
 "No," said Mr. Jorrocks very gravely, "the rogue and
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 403 
 
 waggabone clause commences by enactin' that every person 
 committin' any of the idle and disorderly offences a second 
 time, after having been conwicted in course afore, instead of 
 being any longer considered idle and disorderly, shall thence- 
 forth become rogues and waggabones. Then it goes on to 
 enact that certain offences committed the first time shall 
 make the offenders rogues and waggabones. Every person, 
 for instance, pretendin' or professin' to tell fortins, or usin' 
 any subtle craft, means, or dewice, by palmistry, which means 
 examinin' the marks i' the palm o' your 'and, jest as the dark- 
 eyed ladies do at Hepsom or Hascot Kaces whiles, indeed, 
 with the Surrey 'unt well, usin' any subtle craft, means, or 
 dewice, by palmistry or otherwise, to deceive or impose on 
 any of Her Majesty's subjects ; every person wanderin' abroad 
 and lodgin' in any barn or out'ouse, or in any deserted or un- 
 occupied buildin', or in the open hair, or under a tent, or in 
 any cart or waggon, not havin' any wisible means o' sub- 
 sistence, and not givin' a good account of himself or herself, 
 and every person bein' found and this," continued Mr. 
 Jorrocks, pressing Mrs. Mather's arm, " is the point on which 
 Green and I differed and every person bein' found in or 
 upon any dwellin'-'ouse, ware'ouse, coach- 'ouse, stable, or 
 out'ouse, or in any enclosed yard, garden, or harea, for any 
 unlawful purpose, and many other sitivations," continued Mr. 
 Jorrocks, with a wave of his hand, " shall be deemed rogues 
 and waggabones within the true intent and meanin' of the 
 Hact : and it shall be lawful for any jestice o' the peace to 
 commit such 'fender (bein' thereof conwicted before him by 
 the confession of such 'fender or by the evidence on oath of 
 one or more credible witness or witnesses) to the 'ouse of C., 
 there to be kept to 'ard labour for any time not exceedin' 
 three calendar months." 
 
 " Indeed ! " observed Mrs. Flather, as Mr. Jorrocks paused 
 for breath. 
 
 " Quite true, I assure you," continued the Squire. " Us 
 beaks have great powers. But you will perceive that we 
 have less power over rogues and waggabones than we have 
 over idle and disorderly persons. Idle and disorderlies we 
 can ' quod ' on our own view, but rogues and waggabones we
 
 4 o 4 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 must have witnesses against. Well, but howsomever that 
 isn't the pint. Green and I differed about the offence. 
 Four sturdy wagrants, two men and two women, were 
 brought up at Petty Sessions the women, charged with 
 palmistry bamming Farmer Goosecap about a gold-mine 
 under the hill at the back of his 'ouse, while the men tried 
 to rob his 'en-roost. Well, the case was as clear as crystal, 
 and I said to Green in a visper, for he was chief jestice 
 to-day, owin' to my bein' a few minutes late, I said in a 
 visper, the jestice o' the case I think will be satisfied by 
 giving the ladies a month, and the gentlemen two months 
 in the 'ouse of C. ; for palmistry, you see," continued Mr. 
 Jorrocks, crossing one leg over the other, " albeit improper, 
 p'raps, is more absurd than mischievous nothin' at least 
 compared to robbin' the 'en-roost ; besides, the palmists 
 were ladies one rayther good-lookin' and the men were 
 stiff, sturdy, bull-dog-lookin' 'ounds, that would be better 
 for three months, if not for total imprisonment. But wot 
 do you think Green said ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks, leaning 
 forward and looking full in Mrs. Flather's face. 
 
 " Can't tell, I'm sure," replied Mrs. Flather, wearied with 
 Mr. Jorrocks's prattle. 
 
 " Why, Green got the fifth o' George the Fourth in his 'and, 
 and readin' the rogue and waggabone clause, insisted that no 
 person could be conwicted as a rogue and waggabone wot 
 had not been previously conwicted as idle and disorderly ! " 
 
 " Indeed ! " said Mrs. Flather. 
 
 "Quite true, I assure you," continued Mr. Jorrocks, 
 warming at the recollection of it, " and not all I could say 
 could conwince him that the opening part of section four 
 ' And be it further enacted, that every person committin' 
 any of the 'fences hereinbefore mentioned, after havin' been 
 conwicted as an idle and disorderly person,' referred to the 
 previous section, prohibitin' people being considered idle 
 and disorderly a second time, and makin' them rogues and 
 waggabones instead. Green insisted that no person could 
 be conwicted as a rogue and waggabone wot had not been 
 previously conwicted as idle and disorderly ; so to give 
 these parties a step towards the second-class carriage he
 
 HILLLNGDOX HALL. 
 
 45 
 
 conwicted them as idle and disorderly, givin' the ladies a 
 week and the gentlemen a fortnight apiece on the mill." 
 
 Our Cockney Squire having exhausted his talk, bethought 
 him what he wanted to say to Mrs. Flather. He couldn't 
 hit upon it at first. 
 
 " The Markiss, to be sure," at last exclaimed he aloud to 
 himself, causing Mrs. Flather to shudder. She would rather 
 have heard him recite the statutes at large, and comment upon 
 them as he went, than return to the subject of her misfortune. 
 
 " You thought yourself werry sly, I dare say," observed 
 Mr. Jorrocks, putting on his hat and laying hold of her 
 elbow, " stealin' a march to the Castle. Couldn't gammon 
 me though, I guess am bad to 'umbug. Howsomever, 
 never mind tell us about the Duke was he glad to see 
 you ? Monstrous glad to see you ? Queer chap that Duke 
 monstrous queer chap, as he would say mad I should 
 say mad. 'Ow's his farm? Did you see his roan ball, 
 Tiberius ? Noble quadruped I understand." 
 
 " But 'ere's the Marchioness ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 as the chaise suddenly stopped, on encountering la dame 
 Uanche on the top of a piece of rising ground, up which the 
 horses had thought necessary to walk. 
 
 There was Emma sure enough, in white, with blue ribbons 
 in her straw bonnet, and a blue silk scarf drooping from 
 her shoulders, her clear complexion partaking of a slightly 
 roseate hue, and her eyes brightened up with the animation 
 of anxiety. Seeing Mr. Jorrocks with her mamma, the first 
 brush looked upon his presence as an omen of success, 
 particularly as there was a broad grin on his good-natured 
 countenance, as he took off his hat and addressed her as 
 her ladyship. " 'Ow does your ladyship do ? " asked Mr. 
 Jorrocks, as Emma stood transfixed by the carnage. 
 
 She did not know what to make of it. Her mamma 
 looked smilingly serious it might be the affectation of 
 humility after conquest, but Mr. Jorrocks was grinningly 
 smiling. He seemed to partake of the triumph. 
 
 A landaulet, a post-chariot, with three, is a very incon- 
 venient carriage for diplomacy. People must turn their 
 heads to communicate even by looks, and a third person
 
 4 o6 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 hears and sees all that passes. Moreover, Mr. Jorrocka 
 insisted upon riding bodkin a very awkward-sized bodkin 
 he was especially as he would have all three to sit back, 
 so that the conversation might be general. 
 
 " Well, you'll be gettin' your coronet ready, I s'pose," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, turning to Emma, and shutting out 
 the view of her mamma, whose vacant countenance she was 
 trying to study by a sidelong sort of glance. Emma smiled. 
 
 11 Don't talk nonsense, Mr. Jorrocks!" exclaimed Mrs. 
 Flather snappishly. 
 
 " Well, but don't get your 'ead turned," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, squeezing Emma's ungloved hand. " Don't cut 
 your old frinds," continued he ; " and wotever you do, send 
 me a good slice o' cake." 
 
 Emma smiled. Women always smile at the mention 
 of bride-cake. 
 
 " The custom o' sending cards and compliments may be 
 werry conwenient when there isn't much tin," observed he ; 
 " but you'll 'ave no 'casion for sich close shavin', so tell them 
 to hice it well, and let the halmond paste be a hinch thick 
 at least. Never mind about Cupids or cherrybins, or none 
 o' them gentry ; for me, at least," added he. 
 
 With this pleasant sort of badinage, pleasant to Emma, 
 but excruciatingly painful to Mrs. Flather, Mr. Jorrocks 
 rattled and talked on till the driver looked down from his 
 perch as he arrived at the turn of the road leading up to 
 Mrs. Flather's, and asked if Mr. Jorrocks would go to the 
 Manse or get out there, very handsomely offering to drive 
 him down to the Hall if he preferred doing so. 
 
 Looking at his watch and finding it wanted but ten minutes 
 to dinner-time, Mr. Jorrocks decided upon vacating his bod- 
 kinship and driving home in his own vehicle. 
 
 Taking an affectionate leave of the Marchioness and her 
 mamma, and charging them above all things " not to let 
 their heads be turned," Mr. Jorrocks opened the door, and 
 unfolding the long string of steps (like a tailor's pattern-book), 
 descended from the altitude of the old landaulet. Having boxed 
 mother and daughter up again, he sought the culinary comforts 
 of his own house in the humble lowness of his own machine.
 
 ( 407 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVII. 
 
 " Still harping on my daughter." 
 
 JJND how is it to be?" asked Emma eagerly, as 
 Mr. Jorrocks's low-crowned hat disappeared 
 past the landaulet. 
 
 " Oh, don't be silly, Emma," replied Mrs. 
 Flather snappishly, thinking she had better take the high 
 hand, and see if that would prevent Emma attempting it. 
 
 "Nay, my own dear mamma," said Emma coaxingly, 
 " you surely won't be angry with your own Emma on such 
 an important day." 
 
 " Important day, forsooth ! " muttered Mrs. Flather ; "I've 
 no desire for such importance." 
 
 " Nay, mamma, wouldn't you like to see your daughter a 
 duchess ? " 
 
 " Duchess, indeed," retorted Mrs. Flather ; " you are 
 counting your chickens before they are hatched, I think." 
 
 " Well, marchioness, if you would like that any better," 
 replied Emma ; " for my part, I really think marchioness 
 sounds not only as well as duchess, but is longer and more 
 imposing." 
 
 " I wish you would get such nonsense out of your head, 
 child," snapped Mrs. Flather, looking very downcast. 
 
 " Nay ! " exclaimed Emma, alarmed at her countenance, 
 " you don't mean to say it's not to be ? Speak tell me," 
 cried she, looking deadly pale. The carriage then stopped 
 at the door. Emma descended the jingling steps with the 
 feelings of a malefactor going to execution. She hurried 
 into the house, hardly knowing what she was about. 
 
 Her mother tardily followed.
 
 408 HILLINGDOIST HALL. 
 
 " You don't mean to say," exclaimed she, as her revered 
 parent entered, " that you've made a mess of the thing ? 
 offended the Duke or the Duchess put them against it any 
 way?" 
 
 " Do not worry me, Emma," replied Mrs. Flather, calmly 
 but sternly. 
 
 " Nay, then ! " rejoined Emma, " I see what you've done ! 
 I was sure you would ! " exclaimed she, clasping her hands, 
 and, with upturned eyes, bursting into tears. 
 
 " You would go," sobbed Emma. 
 
 " I couldn't help it, my dear," replied Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Don't tell me ! " screamed Emma, at the top of her voice, 
 her choler rising as her mamma softened. " / told you you 
 would make a mess of it your commonplace matter-of-fact 
 way of going to work, just as if you were bargaining for 
 butter. You would go ! " screamed she again, at the top of 
 her voice, throwing herself into an easy-chair. 
 
 A copious flood of tears deprived her for a time of further 
 utterance. 
 
 " And I dare say you've irretrievably ruined it," sobbed 
 Emma, looking out of her pocket handkerchief. 
 
 Mrs. Flather was silent. 
 
 " / was sure you had I " screamed Emma, jumping up, 
 and stamping violently on the floor with both feet. "Oh, 
 what a thing it is to be led by a person without feeling or 
 discretion ! " 
 
 Another shower of tears followed this filial observation. 
 
 " Oh dear ! oh dear ! that I should ever have let you go 
 by yourself I might have been sure what would happen." 
 
 Mrs. Flather looked foolish, not knowing whether to 
 vindicate her conduct, or let her daughter have her " fling." 
 At length she spoke. 
 
 " My dear child," said she, " you do me great injustice." 
 
 " Don't injustice me ! " screamed Emma ; " it's you that's 
 done me injustice. Why can't you let me manage my own 
 affairs my own way ? "
 
 fflLLQTGDON HALL. 
 
 409 
 
 "I did it all for the best," observed Mrs. Flatter calmly. 
 
 " I know nothing about best you couldn't have done 
 it worse if you tried. I'll be bound to say, you've disgusted 
 
 the Duke, and the Duchess, and the " Here Emma 
 
 again burst into an overpowering flood of tears. This 
 continued for some time, during which she tried to com- 
 mand her temper, and summon resolution to bear the sad 
 denouement. 
 
 " Come, tell me all about it," said she at length, folding 
 her wet handkerchief in a heap, and fixing her red eyes on 
 her disconcerted mamma. 
 
 "Well, my dear, I've nothing more to tell," said Mrs. 
 Flather vacantly. 
 
 " Nothing more to tell ! " exclaimed Emma ; " why, you've 
 told me nothing you left me to conjecture all." 
 
 " And very well you've guessed it," thought Mrs. Flather ; 
 but this she kept to herself, fearing a missile at her head 
 might be the reward of her temerity. 
 
 "Well, my dear," commenced Mrs. Flather again, "I 
 just went as. we arranged, you know." 
 
 " Well, and who did you see first ? " interrupted Emma. 
 
 " Oh, the Duchess," replied Mrs. Flather ; " you know I 
 couldn't ask for the Duke." 
 
 " Well, and what said the Duchess ? How did you 
 begin ? tell me all quickly, or I shall die of suspense." 
 
 " The Duchess was very polite extremely polite." 
 
 " Oh, that's all understood all matter of course great 
 people are always polite," sobbed Emma. " And how did 
 you begin ? " asked she ; " did you blurt out at once what 
 you'd come for, or felt your way ? " 
 
 " Of course not" replied Mrs. Flather ; " I talked about 
 indifferent things, and got gradually on till we talked about 
 James, and then I broached the subject as delicately as 
 possible." 
 
 " And what said the Duchess ? " asked Emma. " How 
 did she take it ? " 
 
 " Why, she was very civil extremely civil ; but she 
 evidently didn't wish for it, at least she wasn't anxious 
 about it."
 
 410 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " Odious woman ! I always thought she would be the 
 difficulty," observed Emma. " The Duke's worth fifty of her." 
 
 "Thought James was too young to settle," continued 
 Mrs. Flather ; " didn't know his own mind perhaps. Still 
 if the Duke wished it, she had no objection." 
 
 " And did you see the Duke ? " asked Emma eagerly, still 
 hoping there was a chance. 
 
 " I did," replied Mrs. Flather firmly. 
 
 " Well, go on ! " said Emma eagerly. 
 
 " And he wouldn't hear of it." 
 
 " The old beast ! " exclaimed Emma. " What reason did 
 he give ? " 
 
 " None, I think," replied Mrs. Flather ; "he got into such 
 a passion that I was glad to escape to the Duchess again." 
 
 " Odious old infidel ! " ejaculated Emma, bursting into a 
 fresh flood of tears. " And is there no hope ? " sobbed she, 
 again looking out of her wet handkerchief, like the sun from 
 the watery clouds. " Did you see James ? " 
 
 "No," replied Mrs. Flather, "he never appeared." 
 
 " He wouldn't use me so," sobbed Emma, thinking of the 
 kiss and squeezing he gave her. 
 
 " The Duke will never hear of it, I'm sure," observed Mrs. 
 Flather. " You don't know what a passion he was in." 
 
 " Horrid old man ! " replied Emma ; " looks like an old 
 
 Mother and daughter sat silent for some time. 
 
 " It's one consolation to think the people down street 
 won't get him, at all events," at length observed Mrs. Flather, 
 still pondering on her misfortunes. 
 
 " I don't believe he ever thought of her" pouted Emma. 
 
 " The Duke will never hear of a commoner, I'm sure," 
 said Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " It's hard upon James that he mayn't marry who he 
 pleases," observed Emma. 
 
 " It is," assented Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Hasn't the privilege of the poorest peasant on his estate," 
 observed Emma. 
 
 " However, the offer's always something," rejoined Mrs. 
 Flather.
 
 IIILLLXGDOX HALL. 411 
 
 Emma was silent. 
 
 " I suppose there's no doubt he did offer ? " observed Mrs. 
 Flather inquiringly. 
 
 " Oh, none," replied Emma. 
 
 "Do you remember the exact words he made use of?" 
 asked mamma. 
 
 " Why, no, I can't charge my memory with the precise 
 words ; indeed, you know, these matters are managed as 
 much by looks as words." 
 
 " Well, but you have no doubt in your own mind that 
 what he did say related to marriage, and amounted to an 
 offer, have you ? " asked Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " None whatever," replied Emma confidently. 
 
 " You couldn't well be mistaken in that matter, I think," 
 rejoined her mother, " seeing you have had so many and 
 such eligible offers before." 
 
 " Certainly not," pouted Emma, determined to stick up 
 for her offer. 
 
 " The best thing you can do, I think," observed 
 Mrs. Flather, after a pause, "is to write to the Marquis 
 himself." 
 
 "Why so?" asked Emma, thinking the Marquis might 
 deny the soft impeachment. 
 
 " Because," replied Mrs. Flather, " in the first place, the 
 affair is his, and not his father's or mother's." 
 
 " Very true," said Emma. 
 
 " And in the second place, we have had no communication 
 with him on the subject. It will only be right to give him 
 the option of fulfilling his promise in spite of his father and 
 mother." 
 
 "I should doubt his doing that," observed Emma, not 
 feeling inclined to press the tender point too closely. " His 
 father might disinherit him, and that would be awkward for 
 us both. We couldn't live upon air." 
 
 "Oh no ; these great people can't disinherit," replied 
 Mrs. Flather. " Their affairs are tied up tightly before they 
 are born."
 
 4 i2 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " But still I shouldn't like to appear too eager," observed 
 Emma coyly. 
 
 "Well, that's very noble of you, my dear," said Mrs. 
 Flather, looking approvingly at her daughter ; " but still it 
 would only be fair towards the Marquis." 
 
 Emma was silent, thinking how it might act. 
 
 " He might think himself badly used," observed Mrs. 
 Flather, after a pause, "if he was not allowed the oppor- 
 tunity." 
 
 Emma was still silent. 
 
 " Besides," continued Mrs. Flather, " you must remember 
 you have nothing to show for your offer. People and 
 there are plenty of ill-natured people ready to do so will 
 dispute it ; whereas, if you have your letter and his answer 
 to show, there is proof positive." 
 
 " Don't you think the best plan will be," asked Emma, 
 "as the Duke and Duchess are both so disagreeable, for me 
 to write to James and release him ; and then I could show 
 the letter doing it." 
 
 " A very good idea indeed, I think, my dear," replied 
 Mrs. Flather smilingly. 
 
 " I could write it so as not to require any answer," 
 observed Emma. 
 
 " What, putting an end to the thing altogether ? " asked 
 Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Yes," replied Emma. 
 
 " I don't know that that would be the best course," 
 observed Mrs. Flather, after a pause ; "it would rather, 
 I think, partake of the objection I urged against not 
 applying to him at all. He should be allowed the option, 
 I think, of declaring his adhesion to his promise. You 
 should not blame him for the acts of his father and mother." 
 
 "True," replied Emma; "but did he appear to have 
 talked to them about it ? " 
 
 "Why, no, I should say not," confessed Mrs. Flather 
 unwillingly. 
 
 " That's the awkward part of it," thought Emma. " Then 
 they would be surprised when you broached the subject, I 
 suppose ? " asked she.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 413 
 
 " They were," replied Mrs. Flatter, " the Duke particularly ; 
 he was the worst of the two by far." 
 
 " Nasty old man," ejaculated Emma. 
 
 "Not but that the Duchess was quite as determined," 
 observed Mrs. Mather ; " but she wasn't so rude," added she. 
 
 " Then you think there is no hope from them ; no chance 
 of their softening ? " inquired Emma. 
 
 "None whatever," replied Mrs. Flather; "the Duke 
 seemed perfectly frantic at the idea." 
 
 Emma then again thought of the letter. " You know I 
 could write such a letter," observed she, " as he could answer 
 or not as he liked." 
 
 " Well, my dear," replied Mrs. Flather, " you are a better 
 scribe than me. The sooner it is done, you know, the greater 
 will be the appearance of independence on your part." 
 
 Emma sighed as she thought of the loss of all her great- 
 ness. She then got up to look for her portfolio. Of course 
 it was in one place her paper in another her pens in a 
 third and the ink in the other room. Having got them 
 all scraped together, and having selected a pen that would 
 write from the many that would not, she squared her paper 
 before her, and prepared for a start. 
 
 " What shall I call him, mamma ? " asked Emma, as she 
 looked at the nib of her pen. 
 
 " What you generally call him, my dear, I should think," 
 replied Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Oh ! why, you know when I'm speaking to him I call 
 him my Lord ; when of him, I call him Jeems, as the Duke 
 does." 
 
 " Of course, then, you'll call him my Lord." 
 
 " But must it be my Lord, or my dear Lord?" asked Emma. 
 
 " My dear Lord, of course," replied Mrs. Flather ; " you've 
 had no quarrel with him, you know." 
 
 " Or dear Lord Bray, which do you think would sound 
 best ? " 
 
 " My dear Lord Bray, perhaps," said Mrs. Flather. 
 
 "I think it would" replied Emma, writing it at the 
 beginning place of her sheet half-way down of course 
 " My dear Lord Bray."
 
 4M H1LLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 " But you are not writing to send, surely ! " exclaimed 
 Mrs. Flatter. 
 
 " No, only the copy," replied Emma ; " but I like to see 
 how it looks, as well as how it reads." 
 
 "My dear Lord Bray," she read again, and then looked 
 about for a thought. " What shall I say next ? it must be 
 something high-flown. * My dear Lord.' I don't know but 
 I like * my dear Lord ' best," observed Emma : " it looks 
 better to begin rather stiffly you know I can finish off 
 differently or postscript a little. I think I'll begin, c My 
 dear Lord,' " added she, striking her pen through ' Bray.' 
 
 " My dear Lord," she read again. 
 
 " So long as I conceived your attentions were sanctioned 
 by " wrote Emma. 
 
 " Shall I say ' attentions,' or < visits ' ? " asked she. " So 
 long as I conceived your visits were sanctioned by your 
 parents." 
 
 " I think I'll put c visits,' " continued Emma, answering 
 herself, striking out ' attentions,' and substituting ' visits.' 
 She then wrote on "'I freely confess I was proud to re- 
 ceive your attentions.' Does that sound bold, do you think, 
 mamma ? " asked she, reading it over 
 
 " So long as I conceived your visits were sanctioned by 
 your parents, I freely confess I was proud to receive your 
 attentions." 
 
 " No, I think not, my dear," replied Mrs. Flather ; " per- 
 haps you might put c sanctioned by the Duke and Duchess 
 of Donkey ton,' instead of l parents,' " suggested Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " No, I think c parents ' better," observed Emma, after a 
 moment's consideration. 
 
 " Well, my dear, you know best. It depends altogether 
 upon the terms you have been on together." 
 
 " But," wrote Emma. " Now I want to say," said she, 
 looking at her mother, " that I can't have anything to say 
 to him without their approbation : of course it must be put 
 in better language than that." 
 
 She then read over again " My dear Lord so long as I 
 conceived your visits were sanctioned by your parents, I 
 freely confess I was proud to receive your attentions. But,"
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 415 
 
 she wrote on, " no power on earth no rank no title 
 could induce me to receive them clandestinely." 
 
 " What do you think of that ? " asked she, looking up at 
 her mamma. 
 
 " Very good indeed, I think, my dear," replied her ap- 
 proving parent. " Perhaps, instead of ' clandestinely,' you 
 might put, ' without their consent.' " 
 
 "Do you think so?" asked Emma, twirling her pen, 
 thinking her own a better-sounding word. 
 
 "It would look more regular," observed Mrs. Flather 
 " more as if they had all known about it, at all events." 
 
 "Perhaps it would," assented Emma, striking out the 
 word " clandestinely " and substituting " without their 
 consent " for it. 
 
 " Now I think we had better not let out that you had 
 gone to-day for the purpose of putting the question point 
 blank," observed Emma, after a pause " make it appear 
 rather as if their objection had come out accidentally ; or as 
 if it was more a hint than a downright refusal." 
 
 " That would hardly do, I'm afraid," observed Mrs. Flather, 
 " for they neither of them minced the matter." 
 
 " Well, but the letter is more to show to others than to 
 enlighten them," sighed Emma. 
 
 " It is so," sighed Mrs. Flather in return. " You might 
 speak about the difference in rank," she added, after a pause ; 
 " lay their objection upon that." 
 
 " Just so," said Emma, thinking how she could embody the 
 sentiment. She then read the sentence over again, and 
 thus proceeded " I could not be insensible to the objections 
 difference of station might create, though perhaps I had 
 reason to believe that they would be overlooked in my case ; 
 finding, however, from my dearest mamma's interview with 
 the Duke and Duchess this morning that such is not likely 
 to be so, I lose not a moment in declaring that I will never 
 enter any family without the full approbation, nay, encourage- 
 ment of its members." 
 
 " What do you think of that ? " asked Emma, looking up, 
 as she got to the end of the long sentence. 
 
 "Very good indeed, my dear, I think," replied Mrs.
 
 4 i 6 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 Flatter. " You might say it was as much my determination 
 as your own," observed Mrs. Flather. 
 
 Emma thought she wouldn't she would take all the credit 
 to herself. " This being the case," she continued, " you will 
 not be surprised at receiving this hurried communication, 
 relinquishing, as I now do, all what shall I call it ? " asked 
 Emma, looking up with tears in her eyes. 
 
 " All claim, perhaps," said Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Or pretension," suggested Emma, feeling that was more 
 like the thing. " Relinquishing, as I now do, all claim and 
 pretension to your hand," wrote she. 
 
 Emma then took a cry. 
 
 " I cannot conclude without wishing your Lordship, in all 
 sincerity," she continued " I want to wish him what Mr. 
 Jorrocks calls better luck next time," sobbed Emma, folding 
 and refolding her pocket handkerchief " I cannot conclude 
 without wishing your Lordship, in all sincerity, a more exalted 
 and more fortunate choice. Your merits, your wealth, and 
 your connections forbid any doubt on this subject, though I 
 am certain you will never meet with any one more sincerely, 
 devotedly attached than your ' " EMMA." 
 
 She then went off in another cry. 
 
 Tea then came in, and the love-sick damsel ate half a loaf 
 of bread, with a pot of strawberry jam, and butter to match. 
 The letter was then copied with the best pen, on the best 
 wire-wove paper, sealed and directed most becomingly, and 
 given to the boy to take to the post the first thing in the 
 morning. 
 
 We need hardly add that Emma had a nervous headache 
 next day, and did not show.
 
 CHAPTER XXXVIII. 
 
 "I tell it you in strict confidence." 
 
 fcRS. JORROCKS could not make out from Mr. 
 Jorrocks's story whether Emma had accom- 
 plished the Marquis or not. Mr. Jorrocks 
 himself was inclined to think she had ; but 
 Mrs. Trotter, who had dropped in to hear all she could, and 
 Mrs. Jorrocks, thought otherwise in consultation. They 
 agreed that Mrs. Flather would not have been able to 
 contain herself if she had certainly not over that morning. 
 At the same time, the undoubted journey to Donkeyton, and 
 the seeing by the Duchess herself of Mrs. Flather back to 
 her carriage (duly reported by the driver), puzzled the 
 consulters not a little. Such a thing had never been heard 
 of before as any one going to Donkeyton Castle without a 
 regular invitation. 
 
 Mrs. Trotter was in a desperate state of agitation. If 
 Emma had captured the Marquis, it only showed what Eliza 
 might have done if she had had a fair chance. " Certainly," 
 she observed, with upturned nose, "if all people were as 
 regardless of decency as Mrs. Flather, they might all get 
 marquises for their daughters," thinking of the night his 
 lordship had spent at the Manse after the harvest home 
 ball. 
 
 Mrs. Claudius Sacker, the doctor's wife, dropped in too, 
 the flying rumours having rendered her uneasy at home. 
 She had not been able to " settle " since she heard of the 
 letter to the Marquis. This was news to the others, and the 
 discussion was resumed with great vigour. Doctors and 
 their wives generally try to keep in with all parties, indeed 
 
 2D
 
 418 HILLINGDOK HALL. 
 
 they would be great fools if they did not, and Mrs. Sacker 
 had called to consult Mrs. Jorrocks whether she ought to go 
 up to the Manse to tender her earliest congratulations to the 
 marchioness-elect and her mamma. 
 
 Mrs. Jorrocks " didn't know j " Mr. Jorrocks and Mrs. 
 Trotter thought she better had, and our gallant Squire offered 
 to accompany her. Just, however, as his worship was start- 
 ing, the constable brought a troop of vagrants for him to 
 administer some of his " Daffy's Elixir " to, in the shape of 
 the fifth of George the Fourth. 
 
 Mrs. Sacker was just the person Mrs. Flather would have 
 selected for the propagation of her story, for, independently 
 of the delicate situation she filled, Mrs. Sacker had a 
 wonderful capacity for believing all she heard. There was 
 no story too wild, no tale too improbable for her to repeat 
 not only repeat, but almost to vouch for. 
 
 Mrs. Flather received her with more than usual pleasure, 
 and in reply to her inquiries after Emma, pleaded the ladies' 
 usual pocket complaint a sick headache. The two then 
 sat commonplacing it for some time, each wishing the other 
 would lead to the point. At last Mrs. Flather hemmed 
 and spoke. 
 
 " I suppose you've heard about Emma and the Marquis 
 of Bray ? " observed she, eyeing Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 " Why, yes no certainly, I've heard something" replied 
 Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 " And what have you heard ? " inquired Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Why, that I have to congratulate you on his becoming 
 your son-in-law," replied Mrs. Sacker, " which I have very 
 great pleasure in doing," added she, tendering both hands 
 to Mrs. Flather for a hug. 
 
 "Thank you, my dear Mrs. Sacker," replied she, shaking 
 them. " I'm sure we have your best wishes at all times Mr. 
 Sacker's too. At present, however, you are are are " 
 
 " A little premature, perhaps," suggested Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 " Not altogether that" replied Mrs. Flather, " but a little 
 a little misinformed rather." 
 
 " How so ? " inquired Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 " Why, the truth is, that the Marquis is an extremely fine
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 419 
 
 young man, a very well-principled, genteel young man, and 
 one that I'm sure any mother might safely intrust a daughter 
 with, but he's young and and and you understand." 
 
 " Perfectly," replied Mrs. Sacker, who did nothing of the 
 sort. 
 
 " The Duke wishes him to travel go to Switzerland see 
 Venice Florence thinks he might pick up a princess, 
 perhaps." 
 
 " But I'm sure an English wife would be much better for 
 him," observed Mrs. Sacker, who was a capital judge of what 
 was good for other people. 
 
 " Well, I think so too," replied Mrs. Flather ; " but of 
 course that is for the Duke's consideration ; he must settle 
 that. All we had to do was to ascertain whether the Duke 
 and Duchess liked the match or not, because I could never 
 suffer my daughter to enter a family where she was not likely 
 to be well received." 
 
 " Certainly not," observed Mrs. Sacker, with a shake of 
 the head. 
 
 " Indeed, she herself would never hear of such a thing," 
 added Mrs. Flather, recollecting the terms of the letter. 
 
 " I'm sure not," observed the complaisant Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 " The Marquis, of course, is very much attached to Emma," 
 continued Mrs. Flather, " and I'm sure I pity him most 
 sincerely ; but that golden rule of doing by others as we 
 would be done by, precludes the idea of my encouraging the 
 thing in opposition to his parents. For my part, indeed, I 
 should much prefer her marrying a man more in her own 
 rank of life ; but these attachments will spring up, despite 
 of all the care we can take ; nor would parents, perhaps, 
 be altogether right in discouraging them where no obstacle 
 presented itself. When there does, as in this case, there is 
 but one course for us to pursue." 
 
 " Very honourable of you, I'm sure," observed Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 " Hard as the task is, I'll not shrink from it," rejoined 
 Mrs. Flather, unbagging her pocket handkerchief out came 
 the copy of Emma's letter. 
 
 " There's a copy of her letter releasing the Marquis," 
 observed Mrs. Flather, picking it off the floor ; " you may
 
 420 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 take it home if you like," added she, handing it to Mrs. 
 Backer ; " perhaps your husband might like to see it." 
 
 " Thank you," said Mrs. Sacker, rising and meeting Mrs. 
 Flather with the proffered document. 
 
 " I may again say, I was never very anxious for it," 
 observed Mrs. Flather, with a composing sigh. 
 
 Mrs. Sacker stared as if she could hardly swallow that. 
 
 " Unequal matches," continued Mrs. Flather, " are not 
 desirable things." 
 
 " Perhaps not," observed the cautious Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 " Seldom productive of happiness," sighed Mrs. Flather 
 again. 
 
 " Hem ! " coughed Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 " Not that I wish to say a word in disparagement of the 
 Marquis of Bray," added Mrs. Flather ; " and if the Duke 
 and Duchess had been anxious or agreeable, of course I 
 should have thought it my duty to stifle my feelings, and 
 meet them half way ; but the slightest symptom of an 
 objection determined me, and I assured the Duke and 
 Duchess at once that they had nothing to fear and every- 
 thing to expect from me ; for, hard as the task was of putting 
 an end to the rational attachment of two interesting and 
 amiable young people, I would not shrink from it." 
 
 " Very noble of you, I'm sure," observed Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 " Not at all," replied Mrs. Flather ; " on the contrary, I 
 assure you, were it not for the unhappiness the step must 
 occasion the young people, I would infinitely prefer, as I 
 said before, seeing Emma marry some nice steady young 
 man in the neighbourhood in her own rank of life," Mrs. 
 Flather thinking she would have to fall back on James 
 Blake as soon as possible. 
 
 " No fear but there will be plenty delighted to have her," 
 observed the obsequious Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 " Oh, she has had many excellent offers," replied Mrs. 
 Flather ; " Emma might have been married over and over 
 again if she'd liked." 
 
 " I am sure of it," replied Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 " James Blake, for instance," said Mrs. Flather, " is 
 dying for her."
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 421 
 
 " So I hear," assented Mrs. Sacker ; " and a very fine 
 young man lie is," added she. 
 
 " Very," replied Mrs. Flather ; " good-principled young 
 man. It may seem strange, perhaps," simpered Mrs. 
 Flather, as if doubting whether Mrs. Sacker could swallow 
 it or not "it may seem strange, but I have always told 
 Emma I would rather see her marry Mr. Blake than the 
 Marquis of Bray." 
 
 " I hope she will still do so, then," replied Mrs. Sacker ; 
 " I'm sure I wish she may, for they are both great favourites 
 of mine." 
 
 " Emma's hard to please," observed Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " She's young, and has plenty of time to look about her," 
 replied Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 With these and such like honest observations, the two 
 ladies beguiled the twenty minutes' sit of which the visit 
 was composed, and Mrs. Sacker finally took her departure 
 with the warmest expressions of attachment to mother and 
 daughter, and the strongest assurances that the copy of the 
 letter would be considered " strictly confidential," a term too 
 well understood among ladies to require any explanation 
 from us. Mrs. Sacker then took her departure. 
 
 A party of pleasure, consisting of our worthy Squire and 
 Mrs. Jorrocks, Mrs. and five Miss Trotters, and James Blake, 
 met Mrs. Sacker at the turn of the road leading up to the 
 Manse, and nearly worried her with questions as to the result. 
 
 " And 'ow's it to be ? " bellowed Mr. Jorrocks at the top of 
 his voice, advancing towards her ; adding, " ar'nt I right ? " 
 
 " Yes or no ? " asked Mrs. Trotter, rising up and down on 
 her toes, with anxiety depicted on her fine, bright, olive com- 
 plexion. Eliza's black eyes sparkled brighter than usual. 
 
 " Tell us all about it," said Mrs. Jorrocks, seating herself 
 on the milestone. 
 
 "For goodness' sake, don't make such a noise !" exclaimed 
 the cautious Mrs. Sacker ; " consider, if Mrs. Flather should 
 hear of this meeting she'll blame me altogether think we 
 are all in league." 
 
 " Never mind," said Mr. Jorrocks, " 111 underwrite you." 
 
 " Do tell us ! " " Don't kill us with suspense ! "
 
 422 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 - " What's the use of making a mystery about nothing ? " 
 and similar inquiries, now flew at Mrs. Sacker, who, pant- 
 ing with the haste she had hurried away to communicate 
 the news, could hardly articulate. 
 
 " Pray don't make such a noise," gasped she ; " con- 
 sider, if Mrs. Flather should hear what would she think 
 of me ? " 
 
 " That you're a werry pretty little 'ooman," replied 
 Mr. Jorrocks ; adding, in a whisper to himself, " at least 
 / do." 
 
 " You don't know who may be watching," ejaculated Mrs. 
 Sacker. " It isn't right it really isn't you shouldn't 
 have come. She'll think we are all in league ; that it's a 
 preconcerted plan. Pray walk quietly down," urged she. 
 " Divide into two parties. Come, Mr. Jorrocks, do" urged 
 she, addressing herself to the Cockney Squire. " You go 
 iirst, like a good man," added she, giving him a gentle push 
 of the arm. 
 
 " Tell us about it," replied Mr. Jorrocks, " and we'll go 
 'ome like lambs." 
 
 " Tell you what ? " said Mrs. Sacker, in full flutter. 
 
 " Whether Emma's caught the Markis or not," responded 
 Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Caught the Marquis ! " repeated Mrs. Sacker. " Yes, no 
 doubt she has." 
 
 " Hurrah ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, throwing his hat in 
 the air. " Hurrah ! " repeated he, catching and throwing it 
 up again ; adding, " / told you so. Won two 'ats ! " 
 
 " I don't believe it ! " exclaimed Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Nor I," responded Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " Nor I ! " added James Blake. 
 
 " Nor you ! " roared Mr. Jorrocks, looking irately at the 
 last speaker. " Vy shouldn't you believe the lady, sir ? " 
 adding, " is that your Christian doctrine, sir ? " 
 
 " Do you mean they're a goin' to be married ? " asked Mrs. 
 Jorrocks, sidling up to Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 " I didn't say they were going to be married," snapped 
 Mrs. Sacker, dreading the consequences of this unexpected 
 and unwelcome rencontre.
 
 HILLLNGDOX HALL. 423 
 
 " Then vot did you say ? " snapped Mrs. Jorrocks in 
 return. 
 
 " Oh, do walk quietly on," entreated Mrs. Sacker ; adding, 
 " and I'll tell you all about it. Only don't make such a 
 noise and hubbub." 
 
 " Veil, tell me quietly," said Mr. Jorrocks, poking up to 
 Mrs. Sacker, and putting his arm through hers ; adding, as 
 they walked on together, " is she goin' to be married to the 
 Markis or not ? " 
 
 " No, she's not" replied Mrs. Sacker, in an undertone. 
 
 " No, she's not !" screamed Mr. Jorrocks ; " vy, didn't you 
 say this werry minute that she was ? " 
 
 " No, I said she'd caught the Marquis," replied Mrs. 
 Sacker. 
 
 " Caught him ! " ejaculated Mr. Jorrocks ; adding, " vy, 
 vot do you call catchin' on him if they don't tie him hup ? 
 Safe bind, safe find, I say." 
 
 " Oh then, she's not ! " screamed Mrs. Trotter and Mrs. 
 Jorrocks, clapping their hands and exulting. Joy beamed 
 on the faces of the rest. 
 
 "The 'ooman's mad mad as a March hare," muttered 
 Mr. Jorrocks, taking his arm out of Mrs. Backer's. 
 
 " Tell us 'ow it is ? " asked Mrs. Jorrocks, supplying her 
 husband's place, and trying the soothing system. 
 
 " Well, you see, the Duke and Duchess are rather against 
 it," said Mrs. Sacker ; " and Mrs. Flather won't hear of it 
 unless they are agreeable." 
 
 " 'Ookey Valker ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks ; adding, " who- 
 ever thought they'd be for it ? " 
 
 "And vot was she doin' at Donkeyton?" asked Mrs. 
 Jorrocks. 
 
 "I don't know that," replied Mrs. Sacker; "possibly 
 went to talk to the Duke and Duchess about it." 
 
 " What a fool the woman must be," observed Mrs. Trotter, 
 glad that Mrs. Flather had had the errand instead of 
 herself. 
 
 " Why, there's no doubt that the Marquis was desperately 
 attached to Emma," observed Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 "Just as much as he was to half-a-dozen other girls,"
 
 424 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 observed Mrs. Trotter, looking at Eliza, who was busy looking 
 at James Blake. 
 
 " Then ifs no go" muttered Mr. Jorrocks, putting 
 his hands behind his back, preparing to saunter home 
 alone. 
 
 " Quite finished" observed Mrs. Sacker. " Miss Emma, 
 indeed, is quite of her mamma's opinion, and has written a 
 most proper letter to the Marquis on the subject." 
 
 " Vot about ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks, turning short round. 
 
 " Releasing him from his engagement," replied Mrs. 
 Sacker. 
 
 " That's all nonsense," observed Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 " They were never engaged," added Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " Only wanted to be," rejoined Mrs. Jorrocks ; " that's to 
 say, she wanted." 
 
 " I assure you it's the fact," replied Mrs. Sacker. 
 
 " Who told you so ? " inquired Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 "Mrs. Mather herself. Indeed, I've a copy of the letter 
 in my bag," added she, recollecting herself, and diving into 
 her reticule for it. 
 
 " Let's see it," said Mr. Jorrocks, taking it out of her hand 
 as she tumbled it up above the miscellaneous collection of 
 the bag. " I'll read it to you," said he, stopping short. 
 " I'll get on to this 'ere gate," added he. So saying, he 
 climbed up, and seating himself on the top-rail, unfolded the 
 wire-wove paper, and read the well-written document to the 
 anxious circle below. 
 
 " My dear Lord " 
 
 "Faith, but they've been pretty frindly," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, looking down at the group. 
 
 " My dear Lord," repeated he, " so long as I conceived 
 your wisits were sanctioned by your parents, I freely confess 
 I was proud to receive your attentions." 
 
 " Wisits ! " exclaimed Mrs. Jorrocks " he never made 
 no wisits to them ! It was to Jun and me." 
 
 " Except after the farmer's ball, when he slept there by 
 mistake" sneered Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " Does she say she was proud to receive his attentions ? " 
 asked Eliza of James Blake.
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 425 
 
 " Silence in the court," cried Mr. Jorrocks ; adding, " or 
 I'll commit some on you." 
 
 " I freely confess, I was proud to receive your attentions. 
 But," read he, " no power on airth no rank no title 
 (no nothin')," added Mr. Jorrocks, " could induce me to 
 receive them without their consent." 
 
 " That's comin' it strong," observed Mr. Jorrocks, looking 
 down on the anxious faces of the auditors. " There must 
 have been summut in it" 
 
 " I don't believe it for all that ! " exclaimed Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " Nor I neither," rejoined Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 " The girl's always fancying the men are in love with her," 
 added Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " She's none so captiwatin'," sneered Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks read on 
 
 "I could not be insensible to the objections difference 
 of station might create, though, perhaps, I had reason to 
 believe they would be overlooked in my case " 
 
 " I wonders what that means ? " observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 looking knowingly up at the sky. He could not hit upon 
 the reason, so he resumed his reading 
 
 " Finding, however, from my dearest mamma's interview 
 with the Duke and Duchess of Donkeyton this morning, 
 that such is not likely to be the case, I lose not a moment 
 in declaring that I will never enter any family without the 
 full approbation nay, encouragement of its members." 
 
 " There's for you ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks. " She'll 
 'ave it all on the square. 'Love me, love my dog,' and 
 so on." 
 
 " Sour grapes, T think ! " observed Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " I say ditto to that," added Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 " / say silence I " retorted our Squire ; adding, " or 111 
 border some on you hout o' court." 
 
 He then read on 
 
 " This being the case, you will not be surprised at 
 receiving this hurried communication, relinquishing, as I 
 now do, all claim and pretension to your hand." 
 
 " Ay I ay ! but that's comin' to the pint," nodded Mr. 
 Jorrocks.
 
 426 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " Story of the well-bred dog, I think ! " observed James 
 Blake. 
 
 " I cannot conclude without wishing your lordship, in all 
 sincerity, a more exalted and more fortunate choice." 
 
 " 'Umbug ! " grunted Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Your merits, your wealth, and your connections forbid 
 any doubt on that point, though I am equally sure you will 
 never meet with any one more sincerely, devotedly attached, 
 than your Emma." 
 
 " God save the Queen, Prince Halbert, et kids," added 
 Mr. Jorrocks, folding up the letter, and descending from 
 his gate to return it to Mrs. Sacker. " A werry pretty 
 letter, and werry well written," said he, handing it back to 
 her with a bow.
 
 ( 4^7 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIX. 
 
 "Take a friendly cup of tea with us." 
 
 |KS. FLATHER had a little tea-party a few even- 
 ings after, as soon as the model of propriety's 
 sick headache enabled her to see company. 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks, Mr. and Mrs. 
 Trotter, Mr. and Mrs. Sacker, and Miss Emily Badger, 
 a cousin of Mrs. Backer's, were the guests. 
 
 The model of propriety was decked out for the occasion 
 in plain white muslin, with a little lace cap with blue flowers 
 and ribbons. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, though not much of a " tea and turn-out 
 man," was glad to go to anything to vary the monotony 
 of evenings at home with Mrs. Jorrocks. As the days 
 shortened, and farming pursuits relaxed, he felt more 
 keenly the difference between town and country. 
 
 In London a man of business's day does not commence 
 till the evening, when everything is over in the country, 
 save the easy-chair and the newspaper. The Londoner has 
 his theatres, his billiard-rooms, his libraries, his reading- 
 rooms, his houses of call, his convivial meetings something 
 fresh for every night in the week ; but night draws its 
 sombre veil over everything in the country, and the winter 
 dulness is only helped along by anticipation of parties for 
 the next full moon. 
 
 " Mind, you are engaged to us the next full moon." 
 
 Mrs. Flather's soiree being extra, there was no full moon 
 no moon at all, indeed. 
 
 The copy of the letter to the Marquis having been intrusted 
 in confidence to Mrs. Sacker, and shown by her in a similar
 
 428 HILLLNGDON HALL. 
 
 spirit, of course the rest of the party felt bound to be 
 ignorant of it, and Mrs. Flather being equally constrained 
 to believe that they were so, matters threatened to be rather 
 awkward at starting. 
 
 "Now mind, Jun, you don't let out that you knows anything 
 about the match being off," observed Mrs. Jorrocks out of 
 her calash, as they call the cab-head things tea-drinking 
 ladies in the country put over their smart turbans and 
 flowered caps. " Now mind, Jun, you don't let out that you 
 knows anything about the match bein' off," observed Mrs. 
 Jorrocks to her spouse, as, in company with the Trotters 
 and Miss Emily Badger, they trooped up to the Manse. 
 
 " Do you think I can't keep a secret as well as you ? " 
 grunted Mr. Jorrocks, buttoning his zephyr about him. 
 " The evenins are a gettin' cool," observed he to Mrs. 
 Trotter " the dew '11 be strong as we return, and there's 
 never no broughams, nor patent safetys, nor nothin' to get." 
 
 " We never care about those sort of things in the 
 country," replied Mrs. Trotter out of her cab-head. " Cloaks 
 and thick shoes," added she, " are all we want." 
 
 The ladies having to put the finishing stroke to their 
 toilettes, were met by a maid, who showed them upstairs, 
 where, with the aid of a looking-glass, they repaired any 
 little derangement of costume the cab-heads and cloaks had 
 occasioned. Mr. Jorrocks and little Trotter were shown 
 into the parlour. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, who still had a penchant for Mrs. Flather, 
 and moreover saw that the women wanted to run her down, 
 met her with more than usual empressement, and squeezed 
 Emma's and her hands with sundry winks and contortions 
 of countenance, meant to indicate " never mind, better luck 
 next time." 
 
 The ladies presently came in, and their inquiries were 
 exchanged about each other's healths, and hopes that Emma's 
 headache had left her, with many " so sorries to hear she 
 had been indisposed so glad to see she was looking so 
 well." 
 
 They then formed themselves into a circle round the 
 pocketful of fuel they called a fire, and an agreeable circle
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 429 
 
 it was, the ladies longing to pull caps, and the gentlemen 
 staring vacantly at the yellow gassey smoke as it curled up 
 the chimney. The ladies tried hard to drive a conversation 
 talked of worsted-work, patch-work, and all sorts of work. 
 
 At length the tea-tray made its appearance, and things 
 began to brighten up more candles too came in. The 
 hissing urn followed, and then came bread and cakes of 
 various forms and composition. The party adjourned from 
 the fire to the round table on which the things were placed, 
 Mrs. Jorrocks squeezing in next Mrs. Flather, Mr. Jorrocks 
 got between Mrs. Trotter and Mrs. Sacker, while Emma and 
 the other two filled up the remaining places. The women 
 talked, the men talked, they all talked together. Cup 
 succeeded cup, and toast succeeded cake, and cake succeeded 
 toast. Conversation became general. Claudius Sacker was 
 a great talker, and did his best to earn his hyson. Mr. 
 Jorrocks talked, Mrs. Sacker talked, and they all talked. 
 
 Mrs. Jorrocks got Mrs. Flather into a quiet mumble in 
 what is called a conversational chair after the din of cups 
 and saucers had subsided, and very soon led the way to the 
 Marquis and Donkey ton Castle. 
 
 " Well," said she, " and is it to be a match between " 
 (nodding to Emma, who was patronising Miss Badger) " and 
 the Markis ? " 
 
 " No," faltered Mrs. Flather ; " haven't you heard ? " asked 
 she involuntarily. 
 
 " No," replied Mrs. Jorrocks, with the greatest composure. 
 
 " It's a long story," observed Mrs. Flather. 
 
 "Is it?" replied Mrs. Jorrocks; "I should like to 
 hear it." 
 
 "Well, but you'll have the kindness not to repeat it," 
 said Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Certainly not," replied Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Promise me that ! " said Mrs. Flather, clearing her 
 throat with a hem. 
 
 " Not for the world," responded Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Why, you see, I was never particularly anxious for it," 
 observed Mrs. Flather. 
 
 Mrs. Jorrocks coughed.
 
 430 HILLLNGDON HALL. 
 
 " Not that I think there is much against the young man," 
 added she ; " but I don't think these unequal matches are 
 desirable ; besides, the Marquis is very young." 
 
 " He'll mend o' that," observed Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Still, youth is volatile," continued Mrs. Flather, " and 
 exposed to the many temptations of London, there is no 
 saying but he might have repented, and then what a 
 shocking thing it would have been for Emma." 
 
 " But she would have been a Marchioness for all that," 
 observed Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Wealth and titles won't compensate for the want of 
 domestic happiness," sighed Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " She'd have had diamonds," observed Mrs. Jorrocks, 
 " powdered footmen, and a coachman with three rolls of 
 curls to his vig." 
 
 " Indeed," said Mrs. Flather, imagining it was part of the 
 equipage of a Marchioness. 
 
 " Been a Lady Patroness of Almack's," added Mrs. Jor- 
 rocks, considering whether they were all duchesses or 
 marchionesses, or how. 
 
 " Well, for all that," sighed Mrs. Flather, anxious to put 
 an end to Mrs. Jorrocks's tantalising catalogue, " I cannot 
 but think I did right in putting an end to the thing." 
 
 " Then was it a reg'lar engagement ? " asked Mrs. Jor- 
 rocks incredulously. 
 
 " Decidedly so," replied Mrs. Flather. " What made you 
 ever doubt it ? " 
 
 "Because our friend over there," said she, nodding 
 towards where Mrs. Trotter sat hard at work trying to coax 
 Mr. Jorrocks out of a subscription, " thought she had got 
 him for Eliza." 
 
 " Eliza ! " sneered Mrs. Flather " Eliza had just as much 
 chance with him as you have." 
 
 " Emma had booked him before then, had she ? " asked 
 Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 " The Marquis had booked Emma rather," whispered Mrs. 
 Flather. "Emma's not a girl that everybody can gain," 
 added she. 
 
 "Not unless they are well gilt," thought Mrs. Jorrocks.
 
 HILLLNGDON HALL. 43 1 
 
 " It don't do for women to be too easily caught," observed 
 she. "Men think nothin' on them. Jun sutored me amost 
 three years afore I would 'ave him." 
 
 " That was a long time," replied Mrs. Flather, who had 
 heard Jun say it was only three weeks. 
 
 "I had a many grand offers," observed Mrs. Jorrocks, 
 with a shake of the head, as if she ought to have done 
 better. 
 
 " So has Emma," rejoined Mrs. Tlather, anxious to keep 
 to the subject of her daughter and the Marquis. 
 
 " Emma will do well yet," observed Mrs. Jorrocks, looking 
 at the model of propriety, who was now pretending to talk 
 to little Trotter, but in reality was cocking her ears to catch 
 what she could of the dialogue between Mrs. Jorrocks and 
 her mamma. 
 
 " No fear of that," responded Mrs. Flather. " She's in 
 no hurry, and has plenty of time to look about her." 
 
 "There are as good fish in the sea as ever came out 
 on't," observed Mrs. Jorrocks. " She'll get a markis yet, 
 or at all events a baronet." 
 
 " Oh, I don't wish for any such thing," sighed Mrs. 
 Flather. " Let her keep single, or marry some quiet re- 
 spectable man in her own rank of life, who'll appreciate 
 her for her worth ; for she's an angel of a girl," added she. 
 
 " So everybody says," replied Mrs. Jorrocks, thinking 
 whether it was the last Sunday or the Sunday before she 
 heard Emma had given the cook a good beating for not 
 letting her eat the apple tart she had made for dinner at 
 luncheon. 
 
 " There will be plenty glad enough to get her," observed 
 Mrs. Flather, with a toss of her head. 
 
 " Plenty ! " replied Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 " James Blake, for instance, is dying for her at this 
 moment." 
 
 " James Blake is a goin' to marry Eliza Trotter," observed 
 Mrs. Jorrocks, with a most malicious grin, unable any longer 
 to contain herself. 
 
 Mrs. Flather almost fainted. James was the only real 
 card they had in view. What might have followed remains
 
 432 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 matter of speculation, for just as Mrs. Jorrocks announced 
 this destructive intelligence, our Cockney Squire, who had 
 been in close confab with Claudius Sacker for some minutes, 
 caused a diversion throughout the room by calling out at 
 the top of his voice to little Trotter, " I say, Trot ! 'ow old 
 do you say the Markis o' Bray is ? " 
 
 " How old ! " repeated Trotter, who had been pottering 
 to Emma about double primroses, much to her annoyance, 
 for just as she got hold of the beginning of a sentence, so 
 as to guess what her mamma and Mrs. Jorrocks were talking 
 about, he was sure to put her out by returning to the subject. 
 " Why, he's just of age," replied Mr. Trotter. 
 
 " No, not the man Markis ; the ball Markis ; my Markis, 
 in fact," retorted Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Oh, your Marquis," repeated little Trotter ; " why, he's 
 two year old rising three." 
 
 " You're sure of that ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Why, I can't swear to it," replied little Trotter, fearing 
 the justice wanted to entrap him as a witness ; " I've always 
 heard so. Why do you ask ? " added he. 
 
 " Vy, because Sack, here," punching the doctor in the 
 ribs with his thumb, " has picked up a cock and bull story, 
 I may well call it, about his bein' three year old, and says 
 Tommy Clotworthy, who had the second-best two-year-old 
 at the show, is a goin' to claim the premium from me." 
 
 " Indeed ! " ejaculated several. 
 
 " That will be very awkward," observed Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " Werry" replied Mr. Jorrocks, diving into his breeches 
 pocket, and stirring up his silver. 
 
 " Not that they'd get a wast," added he, " if they only 
 took wot I brought 'ome ; for wot with his lordship's ex- 
 penses wot with Pigg's wot with my own, and wot with 
 drinkin' of his lordship's 'ealth, I was amost two punds out 
 o' pocket ; at least there was one pund eighteen and nine- 
 pence unaccounted for. There might part on it ha' rolled 
 out o' my breeches pocket, to be sure," observed Mr. Jor- 
 rocks, " for while I was hup speaking, some idle and dis- 
 orderly person took my seat out from an under me, and I 
 couped my creels out o' the back o' the tent. Haw, haw
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 433 
 
 haw" added he, "thinks I never got sich a capsize i' my 
 life. Haw, haw, haw" continued he, laughing at the 
 thoughts of it. 
 
 " Well, but what will you do about the premium ? " in- 
 quired Trotter, still fearing Mr. Jorrocks might call upon 
 him, from what he had said. 
 
 "Vy, I don't know about that," replied Mr. Jorrocks. 
 " I doesn't care nothin' about the prize," added he, " but in 
 course I shalln't see the reputation of my ball compromised 
 without a tussle. If the Duke o' Donkeyton's farm gentle- 
 man says he's only a two-year-old, vy, I'll let Clot do his 
 worst. I'll bring the ball into the Court of Exchequer, and 
 let Baron Halderson have a look in his turnip-trap. Haw, 
 haw, haw," chuckled he ; "I'll get Murphy to defend him!" 
 continued he. " Crickey, but I fancy I see his lordship 
 rollin' about clearin' the big-wigs and all the spectators out 
 o' court, like so many cobwebs." 
 
 " It's 'alf-past eight," at length observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 looking at his great noisy watch j " time we were a toddlin' 
 night hair's bad for the chest." 
 
 " Wouldn't you take a little wine and water ? " inquired 
 Mrs. Flather, at length finding her tongue, after the shock 
 Mrs. Jorrocks had given her. 
 
 "A leetle brandy and water, if you've no objection," 
 replied Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " I'm afraid we're out of brandy," rejoined Mrs. Flather. 
 
 " Never mind," said Mr. Jorrocks, " rum'll do as well." 
 
 " I'm sorry we haven't any rum either," replied Mrs. 
 Flather ; " the cat broke the last bottle yesterday." 
 
 " I thought I smelt it as I came in," observed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, sniffing about. " Howsomever," added he, " never 
 mind, we shall be all the better without it in the mornin' ; " 
 with which philosophical reflection Mr. Jorrocks gave the 
 signal, and the party were presently on their legs ; the 
 ladies scuttling away for their cab-heads and shawls the 
 gentlemen pocketing their pumps, pulling on their thick 
 shoes, identifying their hats and zephyrs. 
 
 Having transformed themselves into as many "guys," 
 there was such saluting and squeezing of hands such good- 
 
 2 E
 
 434 HILLLNGDON HALL. 
 
 nightings among the present, and best lovings to the absent 
 the more they disliked each other, the greater being the 
 empressement. 
 
 At length the guests got into the open air, and after 
 waiting a second or two staring up at the dark starless 
 clouds, they declared it was only the first coming out that 
 made it look so black, and they had no doubt they would 
 manage well enough after they had been out a little. 
 
 The proffered lanthorn being declined, and the receding 
 footsteps sounding in the dark, amid reiterated " good- 
 nights," and hopes of " safe arrivals at home," Mrs. 
 Flather and Emma closed the door upon their dear departing 
 friends.
 
 ( 435 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XL. 
 
 Night, sable goddess ! from her ebon throne 
 In rayless majesty, now stretches forth 
 Her leaden sceptre o'er a slumbering world." 
 
 'HE Marchioness don't look so far amiss con- 
 sider/in' her misfortin," grunted Mr. Jorrocks 
 to the first cloaked figure he ran against, who 
 happened to be Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " She's not one that will die of love," retorted the rival 
 parent. 
 
 " But she might die of the loss of a coronet," observed 
 Mr. Jorrocks ; " they are far wuss to meet with nor men 
 in 3 ats." 
 
 " She never had any chance of him," snapped Mrs. 
 Trotter. 
 
 " Humph," grunted Mr. Jorrocks, recollecting the con- 
 sultation Mrs. Trotter and he had had together respecting 
 the Marquis and Eliza. " Then you think Emma's not one 
 o' the dyin' sort," observed Mr. Jorrocks, running foul of 
 a tree. 
 
 " Not she ! " exclaimed Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " P'raps you'll take my harm," observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 thinking Mrs. Trotter's bright eyes might guide him safer 
 than his own. 
 
 They then joined arms. 
 
 "I vish old Hursa Major would 'ave the kindness to 
 show us his mug," observed Mr. Jorrocks, looking up at 
 the dark firmament. " Us farmers call him the plough" 
 added he, " and I think he should return the compliment by 
 lightin' us 'ome."
 
 436 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 "I think so too," replied Mrs. Trotter; adding, "you 
 don't think Emma pretty, do you ? " 
 
 " Pretty ! " repeated Mr. Jorrocks, " pretty well nothin' 
 to set the Thames on fire ; " adding, " are you much of a 
 star-gazer ? " 
 
 " Not at all" replied Mrs. Trotter, vexed at Mr. Jorrocks's 
 shirking. 
 
 "I am," said he; " crazeyologist, bampologist, star- 
 ologist, wenusologist, all that sort o' thing sort o' man," 
 added he. 
 
 Mrs. Trotter was silent. 
 
 " The Shepherds in the beautiful plains o' Egypt and 
 Babylon were the first persons wot paid much attention 
 to the stars," observed Mr. Jorrocks, " partly for want of 
 amusement, not having no theatres, nor masquerades, nor 
 circuses to go to, and partly to enable them to scrimmage 
 about the country at nights." 
 
 Mrs. Trotter was still silent. 
 
 " I confess I should ha' liked to ha' been a shepherd i' 
 one of them shires," continued Mr. Jorrocks ; " 'specially if I'd 
 'ad a fine 'ooman to darn my stockings, and so on," added 
 he in an undertone, and a squeeze of Mrs. Trotter's arm. 
 
 " Mrs. Flather, perhaps," observed Mrs. Trotteri 
 
 " No, not Mrs. Flather," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with an 
 emphasis ; " some 'un nearer 'and." 
 
 " You old goose," thought Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " It's confounded dark," observed Mr. Jorrocks, grazing a 
 gate-post with his shoulder. " If Saturn has his five moons 
 as they say, I'd wish he'd show a light to-night." 
 
 "You should have accepted Mrs. JFlather's offer of her 
 lanthorn," observed Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " I think we did wrong not," observed Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 adding, " I'd no notion it was so dark." 
 
 " It's lucky the road's pretty good to find," observed Mrs. 
 Trotter. 
 
 " Ay, but roads look werry different at nights to what 
 they do by day," observed Mr. Jorrocks ; " summut like 
 women in that respect," added he ; " nothing personal, in 
 course," continued the gallant Squire.
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 437 
 
 " Of course not," replied Mrs. Trotter. " Perhaps you 
 think Mrs. Flather does," added she. 
 
 " Can't say I've ever examined Mrs. Flather particklar 
 by candle-light," observed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Nay, you saw her to-night," replied Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " True ; but there was sich a bevy of beauties that I never 
 had time to look her over narrowly, at least," added Mr. 
 Jorrocks. 
 
 Mrs. Trotter was silent. She saw our friend would not 
 be trotted out. 
 
 " That Miss Hemily Badger ar'nt a bad lookin'-girl," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, after a pause. "Well set-up-gal, I 
 should say ; good figure-'ead too." 
 
 " As fine as Emma, do you think ? " asked Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " Finer nor Emma, I should say," replied Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " More expression, more animation," rejoined Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " Hemma's more sedate-lookin'," observed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Emma's a cold-blooded one," observed Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " I doesn't like a cold-blooded 'ooman," replied Mr. Jor- 
 rocks, squeezing his companion's arm again. 
 
 " I wonder whom she'll take up with next ? " observed 
 Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " Isn't this her first ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " First ! " exclaimed Mrs. Trotter, " not by a good many 
 not, I dare say, that she ever had an offer, but she's tried 
 for them hard enough." 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks, thinking the mothers' 
 stories didn't tally. 
 
 " Perhaps she'll be trying Mr. Blake again," observed Mrs. 
 Trotter. 
 
 " Perhaps," replied Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " She may save herself the trouble of that, though," 
 chuckled Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " He's not to be catched, isn't he ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " He is caught" said Mrs. Trotter, with emphasis. 
 
 " Who by ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Who do you think ? " returned Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " Miss Badger, p'raps," observed Mr. Jorrocks, thinking 
 Eliza would not have him after her Marquis coup.
 
 438 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " Guess again," said Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " Eliza, p'raps," said Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " You have it ! " exclaimed Mrs. Trotter. 
 
 " And doesn't Mrs. Flather know ? " asked he. 
 
 " Not yet," said Mrs. Trotter. " He only offered this 
 afternoon." 
 
 " Yes, she does," interposed Mrs. Jorrocks, who, aided by 
 the darkness of the night, had fallen into line with our hero 
 and his fair friend. 
 
 " What, you haven't blabbed, have you ? " exclaimed Mrs. 
 Trotter. 
 
 Mrs. Jorrocks was silent, feeling she had committed herself. 
 
 " Well, now, I must say that is very wrong of you ! " 
 exclaimed Mrs. Trotter, " very wrong indeed ! I told it you 
 in the strictest confidence, and she was just the last person 
 under the sun that I should like to have had it told to," 
 added Mrs. Trotter, from the depths of her calash. 
 
 " But she was sure to 'ear of it," snuffled Mrs. Jorrocks 
 from hers. 
 
 " Sure to hear of it ! " repeated Mrs. Trotter, boiling up ; 
 " no doubt she was ; but there was no reason why you should 
 deprive me of the pleasure of telling her." 
 
 " That woman, Mrs. Flather," said she to Mr. Jorrocks, 
 " has spited me more than words can tell ; and just as I was 
 going to have my revenge, I'm done out of it in this way. 
 It's too lad ! " exclaimed she, in a loud tone of voice. 
 
 The parties behind hearing something going on before, 
 now pressed to the front, and at this critical moment, a rope 
 that had been tied across the road just as it led into the 
 turnpike, took the front rank by the heels, who were imme- 
 diately followed by those behind. Down they all went, two 
 layers of them. Great was the scramble ! 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks, with Mrs. Trotter between them, 
 made the first layer ; then came Claudius Sacker and his wife, 
 with Miss Emily Badger. Little Trotter had a tumble to 
 himself at the side. Mr. Jorrocks lost his wig, Mrs. Jorrocks's 
 front came down over her nose, and Claudius Backer's gold- 
 headed cane went into Miss Emily Badger's mouth. 
 
 A reward of two pounds was offered, next day, for the
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 
 
 439 
 
 discovery of the wig and the offender or offenders who tied 
 the rope across the road, but without success. Popular 
 opinion pointed to Benjamin; but his worship never sus- 
 pected him. 
 
 The wig was taken from a Scotch terrier, who, having 
 fought with two other dogs for the retention of his prize, it 
 may be supposed not to have been worth much when Mr. 
 Jorrocks got it back.
 
 ( 44 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XLI. 
 
 "On us each circling year doth make a prey." 
 
 > 
 
 ijEOM Rome to Terracina, from Capua to Naples," 
 
 observed the Duke of Donkeyton, travelling 
 with his eye-glass down Orgiazzi's map of 
 Italy, along with young hopeful, the Mar- 
 quis of Bray, with whom he was arranging a route for 
 a tour. 
 
 The Duke and Duchess had had long and anxious confabs 
 relative to their hopeful scion, caused, not a little, perhaps, 
 by Mrs. Flather's invasion. They thought he would be 
 getting into mischief, and, painful as the separation would 
 be, they had determined to send him abroad for a year, 
 under the superintendence of a steady old file, Professor 
 Yarnington, one of the old straight-cut coat, upright- 
 collared, pig-tailed, silk-stocking, short-black-gaitered breed 
 of tutors ; a most orthodox-looking bear-leader. 
 
 The Duke and the Marquis had set off on their travels 
 after luncheon, and had advanced as far into the bowels of 
 Italy as indicated in the opening sentence of this chapter, 
 when, just as his Grace, with a twirl of his eye-glass, was 
 throwing himself back in the luxurious depths of his arm- 
 chair to twaddle about the wonders of Naples, and his own 
 exploits there as a youngster, the library door opened, and 
 the groom of the chambers approached at a somewhat 
 hurried pace for a well-trained menial, bearing a rich salver 
 with a black-sealed letter upon it. 
 
 His Grace broke the seal, and proceeded to read it 
 Thus it ran :
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 441 
 
 "REFORM CLUB. 
 
 " DEAE DUKE, Poor Guzzlegoose* has succeeded in kill- 
 ing himself at last. He had been living at the Castle, at 
 Richmond, for a fortnight, and died this morning of a most 
 inordinate dinner. I happen to be passing through town, 
 and despatch a special messenger with this by the evening 
 train, as, of course, no time should be lost. Truly yours, 
 
 " LOOKALIVE." 
 
 " God bless us ! " said the Duke, throwing up his white- 
 whiskered head ; " sad thing ! very sad thing ! " handing 
 the Marquis the letter ; " sorry for him, monstrous sorry 
 for him." 
 
 "Pay the messenger. No answer," added he to the 
 servant. 
 
 " Poor man ! " said the Marquis, with a laugh, handing 
 back the letter ; "he has long been trying to do it." 
 
 " Great eater ! monstrous great eater ! " said the Duke. 
 
 " He was that ! " rejoined the Marquis. 
 
 " Great drinker ! monstrous great drinker ! " added the 
 Duke. " However, my dear Jeems," continued he, folding 
 up the map of Italy, " we must improve the opportunity 
 be moving ; important event ! monstrous important event ! 
 Kind of Lookalive to send us the intelligence ; monstrous 
 kind of Lookalive to send us the intelligence ! " added he, 
 ramming the map back into its case without regard to 
 the folds. 
 
 The first thing a great man does is to send for his lawyer. 
 The lawyer is to the mind what the doctor is to the body. 
 The king sends for his chancellor, the duke for his solicitor ; 
 accordingly, a messenger was despatched to Sellborough for 
 Mr. Smoothington ; and the Marquis was recommended to 
 wipe away all trivial fond records of Rome and Terracina, 
 Capua and Naples, from his mind, and prepare for the great 
 struggle of political life. 
 
 * The county member.
 
 442 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 Mr. Smoothington, though what is called a man of infor- 
 mation that is to say, a great gossip a man who knew 
 everybody's affairs in the county was rather behindhand 
 in getting the news on the present occasion ; and several 
 people had arrived in breathless haste at the Castle to 
 announce the death of Mr. Guzzlegoose ere it reached Mr. 
 Smoothington's ears at his office. 
 
 Having examined and cross-examined the parties who 
 brought the intelligence, and satisfied himself of the truth 
 of it, he had just sent his clerk footman to order the lofty 
 landaulet, when the Duke's messenger arrived, requiring his 
 immediate presence. 
 
 It needing no conjurer to proclaim what would be wanted, 
 Mr. Smoothington made a hasty selection of popular addresses, 
 and in his best black suit, with a fresh sprinkling of powder, 
 was soon on his way to Donkeyton Castle. 
 
 Mr. Smoothington affected the Duke indeed he was 
 generally called " The Duke." He powdered his iron-grey 
 locks, and kept the hair at the back of his head as full as 
 possible ; had a large crop of whiskers under his chin now 
 brushed up in full view. He also wore eye-glasses, though 
 not at all short-sighted. 
 
 Thus arrayed, he stepped into the lofty landaulet, and 
 sitting well forward, as if fussing in the particular pocket 
 that happened to be next a neighbour's house, he jolted 
 away to the Castle. As he went, he thought of Guzzlegoose 
 recalled his start in life, when, at the Marquis's age, in 
 the bloom of youth, and the plenitude of looks, he was 
 returned for the county. Thought of his maiden speech 
 his early promise his maturer standstill his later failure. 
 Remembered his Grecian nose, when there wasn't a speck 
 upon it his waist when it resembled an hour-glass thought 
 how succeeding sessions had blotched the one and swelled 
 the other could hardly have believed the pale taper lad 
 of one-and- twenty could have filled into the gross, overgrown, 
 rubicund monster of five-and-forty. 
 
 " No constitution, however strong," said Mr. Smoothing- 
 ton aloud to himself, " can long withstand the united effects 
 of eating and drinking."
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 443 
 
 He then looked at his watch calculated what time he 
 would arrive at Donkeyton wondered whether the Duke 
 would ask him to dine. If so, whether he would produce 
 any burgundy ; and, if not, why not, or how otherwise. 
 
 The man of law was so long in getting to Donkeyton that 
 the Duke began to fidget and think he could almost do 
 without him. " Tiresome man monstrous tiresome man," 
 said he to the Marquis, as he paced hurriedly up and down 
 the spacious library. " Could do it ourselves could do it 
 ourselves do believe we could do it ourselves," observed he 
 to young hopeful. 
 
 Just as they were preparing pens, ink, and paper, and 
 the Duke and Duchess were busy fussing among a drawer- 
 ful of papers containing the genealogical tree, and the bills 
 and squibs connected with his Grace's first election for the 
 county, the oracle arrived, and, hat in hand, waved his 
 salaams up the room. 
 
 Smoothington was a great courtier bowed extremely 
 low tried to back out of rooms, an attempt which generally 
 ended in his tumbling over a footstool, or almost cutting 
 himself in two against an open door. When his hands were 
 disengaged, he employed them in rubbing them one over 
 another as if he were washing them. He had a long, pale, 
 but not unpleasant face, and taking him altogether, he would 
 have commanded five-and-forty or fifty pounds as a butler. 
 
 If he had not kept the Duke waiting, his Grace would 
 certainly have shaken hands with him, strongly symptomatic 
 of electioneering, and a compliment he had not paid him 
 since Mr. Smoothington attended with the eight-and-thirty 
 skins of parchment containing his Grace's marriage settle- 
 ment. As it was, the Duke exclaimed, " Ah, Mr. Smooth- 
 ington, come at last ! come at last ! glad you are ! 
 monstrous glad you are pray be seated! pray be seated ! " 
 bowing him into a vacant chair in the neighbourhood of 
 the throne. 
 
 " Well," said he, squashing himself into the throne, and 
 wheeling it close up to Mr. Smoothington, "you've heard 
 poor Guzzlegoose is dead sorry for it monstrous sorry for 
 it young man quite young man sure he would kill
 
 444 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 himself ate so much Perigord pie Perigord pie con- 
 tinual Perigord pie." 
 
 "Yes, he was extremely fond of Perigord pie, your 
 Grace," observed Mr. Stnoothington, with a broad grin on 
 his face, as he deposited his hat under his chair, and began 
 working his hands. 
 
 "Well, now," continued his Grace, putting a sheet of 
 paper before Smoothington, " the first thing I suppose will 
 be for the Marquis of Bray to issue an address, offering 
 himself to the county." 
 
 " The first thing for the Marquis of Bray to do will be to 
 issue an address offering himself to the county, as your 
 Grace observes," replied Mr. Smoothington, working away 
 at his hands. 
 
 " And, perhaps, the less we put in it the better," added 
 the Duke. 
 
 " The less we put in it the better," bowed Mr. Smooth- 
 ington. 
 
 " Then just draw up the form of what you think will do," 
 rejoined the Duke, handing Mr. Smoothington a pen. 
 
 Mr. Smoothington took it looked at the nib held it 
 up to the light took out his knife pruned the feather 
 and thus having collected his faculties, drew the roll of pre- 
 cedents from his pocket." 
 
 " Whether shall we call them, Freeholders of the county, 
 or Free and Independent Electors ; or address them as the 
 Gentry, Clergy, Freeholders, &c., of the county, does your 
 Grace think ? " inquired Mr. Smoothington, dipping his pen 
 in ink to obey the Duke's dictation. 
 
 " Freeholders of the county," replied his Grace. 
 
 " Freeholders of the county, I think," wrote Mr. Smooth- 
 ington ; adding, " we must allude, I suppose, to the death of 
 Mr. Guzzlegoose ? " 
 
 " Of course," said the Duke. 
 
 Mr. Smoothington then wrote 
 
 "To THE FREEHOLDERS OF THE COUNTY OF 
 
 " GENTLEMEN, A vacancy having occurred in the 
 representation of our county by the lamented death of
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 445 
 
 Mr. Guzzlegoose, I hasten to offer my humble services in 
 endeavouring to supply the loss that melancholy event has 
 occasioned." 
 
 "Will that do, does your Grace think?" asked Mr. 
 Smoothington, looking up. 
 
 " I think it will," replied the Duke ; adding, " read it 
 over again." 
 
 Mr. Smoothington read it over again. 
 
 " Perhaps we may put in my friend, Mr. Guzzlegoose 
 lamented death of my friend, Mr. Guzzlegoose," observed the 
 Duke. 
 
 " I think it would be better, your Grace," observed Mr. 
 Smoothington, inserting the words. 
 
 " Looks as if we identified ourselves with his opinions," 
 added the Duke. 
 
 " It does, your Grace," replied Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " May gain the extreme party," observed the Duke ; 
 adding, " Guzzlegoose went farther than we do." 
 
 " He did, your Grace," acquiesced Mr. Smoothington ; 
 " rather of the whole hog order." 
 
 "We had better deal in generalities now, I think," 
 observed the Duke. 
 
 " I think we had," agreed Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " Suppose we say, ' It is, I trust, unnecessary for me to 
 enter into any detailed explanation of the principles by 
 which my public conduct will be governed,' " observed the 
 Duke ; " ' suffice it to say they are those which have been 
 maintained by my family throughout many succeeding 
 generations,'" added he. 
 
 " Very good" observed Mr. Smoothington, reducing the 
 sentence to writing as quick as possible. 
 
 " Then," said the Duke, " we might say, ' In those prin- 
 ciples I have been educated, and it is upon my sincere 
 attachment to them that I ground my claim to your 
 support.' " 
 
 " Admirable ! " exclaimed Mr. Smoothington ; " nothing 
 can be better," writing it down. 
 
 The Duke then threw himself back in his chair as if
 
 446 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 overcome with fatigue, his whiskered face turned up to the 
 rich fretwork ceiling. 
 
 " Shall we say anything about a personal canvass, do you 
 think ? " suggested the man of law. 
 
 " Personal canvass ! " repeated the Duke ; " personal can- 
 vass I don't know what to say about a personal canvass." 
 
 " We, of the Liberal party, generally make a show of 
 canvassing," observed Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 "Very true," replied the Duke, "very true; might 
 promise them one no occasion to make it, you know 
 no occasion to make it." 
 
 " Not unless there were symptoms of an opposition," 
 replied Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " No fear of that," rejoined the Duke, " no fear of that. 
 We are popular monstrous popular. Not like as if we 
 were attempting the Tory seat. The seat is ours, you know 
 the seat is ours. We returned Guzzlegoose." 
 
 "Mr. Guzzlegoose always acknowledged the great obliga- 
 tions he was under to your Grace," observed Mr. Smooth- 
 ington. 
 
 " Might say that he would take the earliest opportunity, 
 consistently with the decorum to be observed on so melan- 
 choly an occasion, of paying his personal respects to every 
 elector, and affording them an opportunity of ascertaining 
 the details of his political creed, or something of that sort," 
 observed the Duke. " It would look as if Jeems intended 
 doing it, and yet not bind him." 
 
 " It would," replied Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " Canvasses are nasty things," observed the Duke. " Re- 
 member a drunken fish-fag taking me in her arms, and 
 hugging and kissing me before the crowd," added he, with a 
 shudder. 
 
 " It is a season of great freedom," observed Mr. Smooth- 
 ington. 
 
 " Might do the same by Jeems," continued the Duke ; 
 "give him the Scotch-fiddle perhaps, or some such nasty 
 complaint. Nasty business canvassing altogether," added 
 he; "should have abolished it with the Keform Bill. 
 However, there's no fear of a contest. No one would be
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 447 
 
 fool enough to risk a crusade against our popularity. We 
 are popular monstrous popular, I suppose ? " asked he of 
 the keeper of his popularity. 
 
 " Oh, very popular indeed" replied Mr. Smoothington, 
 with due emphasis. 
 
 " Should think so," said the Duke " should think so 
 have subscribed to two organs, two churches, three races, 
 and I don't know what else of late." 
 
 " The Corn-Law League might trouble your Grace per- 
 haps," suggested Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " I think not," replied the Duke " I think not," repeated 
 he. " They don't know but Jeems, the Marquis, may be 
 for immediate and total repeal. That address pledges him 
 to nothing that address pledges him to nothing." 
 
 " It does not, your Grace," agreed Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " I don't think we can do better," added his Grace, after 
 a pause. " Time enough to speak out when we're pressed 
 time enough to speak out when we're pressed." 
 
 " It is so, your Grace," assented Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " Just run over a fair copy of the address, then," said 
 the Duke, " and let us hear how it reads. While you are 
 doing it I'll order you some wine and water, and a biscuit 
 a cutlet, or anything you would like to have." 
 
 "Not anything, I am much obliged to your Grace," 
 replied Mr. Smoothington ; " I never eat luncheon," added 
 he, making an effort for a dinner. 
 
 He then made the following fair copy : 
 
 "To THE FREEHOLDEKS OF THE COUNTY OF 
 
 " GENTLEMEN, A vacancy having occurred in the repre- 
 sentation of our county by the lamented death of my friend 
 Mr. Guzzlegoose, I hasten to offer my humble services in 
 endeavouring to supply the loss that melancholy event has 
 occasioned. 
 
 " It is, I trust, unnecessary for me to enter into any 
 detailed explanation of the principles by which my public 
 conduct will be governed. Suffice it to say they are those 
 which have been maintained by my family throughout 
 succeeding generations. In those principles I have been
 
 448 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 educated, and it is upon my sincere attachment to them 
 that I ground my claim to your support. 
 
 " I will take the earliest opportunity, consistently with 
 the decorum to be observed on so melancholy an occasion, 
 of paying my personal respects to every elector ; and, in 
 the meantime, I have the honour to subscribe myself, gentle- 
 men, with every sentiment of respect and esteem, your very 
 faithful, humble servant, " BRAY." 
 
 "DOKKEYTON CASTLE." 
 
 His Grace then took and read it. 
 
 " That will do very well," said he, returning it. " And 
 now have the kindness to put it in the printer's hands 
 immediately, and let it be advertised and placarded about 
 the county. Much obleged to you for your attendance 
 sorry you can't stay dinner hope we shall be more fortu- 
 nate another time ! " With which tantalising politeness his 
 Grace rose to witness Mr. Smoothington's backward retreat 
 up the room, which he accomplished with a bump against 
 a globe, and upsetting a banner-screen. 
 
 That modest body, the "Anti-Corn-Law League," no 
 sooner saw the Marquis's address, than they inquired, 
 through their chairman, his lordship's opinions relative to 
 their pet subject the Corn Laws ; an interference that the 
 Duke could not brook from parties unconnected with the 
 county, and therefore desired the Marquis to take no notice 
 of their application. 
 
 No answer was returned. A second and third letter 
 followed with similar success. This nettled the great law- 
 givers, who pulled the strings in London, and set all their 
 men of weight a going in the county men in whom the 
 greatness of the leaders was well reflected. 
 
 Eeports of these meetings were duly brought to the 
 Castle, but the Duke's cue being known, the parties underrated 
 them as much as possible. " Contemptible ! monstrous con- 
 temptible ! " the Duke said they were. 
 
 The next thing was his Grace reading in the Whig paper, 
 The Dozey Independent, or True Blue Patriot, a paragraph 
 announcing that the League had determined upon starting
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 449 
 
 a candidate in the person of " William Bowker, Esq., of 
 Whetstone Park, in the County of Middlesex, a merchant 
 of great weight and respectability in the City of London " 
 respectability in City parlance meaning money. The reader 
 will be astonished how Bill, the " snuff-shop man," could 
 have jumped so suddenly from the humble region of Eagle 
 Street into the magnificence of Whetstone Park, in the 
 County of Middlesex. Some may suppose it was with the 
 League money, while others will put it down as an im- 
 probability. Let any one, however, take his hat, and a cab 
 (if one can get up), and explore the alley running parallel 
 between High Holborn and Lincoln's Inn Fields, consisting, 
 as it does, of a heterogeneous collection of stables, with 
 garrets above, joiners' shops, cobblers' stalls, and tenement 
 houses ; a street or bye street, or back street, a few shades 
 worse than Eagle Street. This wretched alley is dignified by 
 the name of " Whetstone Park," and thither Mrs. Bowker and 
 her sister had taken refuge when their too frequent visitor, 
 the appraiser, came again to seize for rent and taxes. 
 
 It was a lucky turn, however, for Bill, who now called 
 himself a retired merchant living on his property. His 
 League excursions so far had not benefited him much ; he 
 was too far gone to rally in a short time, and the more money 
 Mrs. Bowker thought he got, the more brandy she drank, 
 and the more mosaic jewellery she bought. 
 
 But to the Duke. 
 
 His Grace was dumfoundered when he read this announce- 
 ment, nor did he recover much when, on turning to the 
 front, or advertisement page, he read Mr. Bowker's address, 
 announcing that, in compliance with a numerous and highly 
 respectable requisition, he was induced to come forward to 
 endeavour to supply the vacancy caused by the lamented 
 death of Mr. Guzzlegoose. It then proceeded to denounce 
 all restrictions upon trade, more especially upon that con- 
 nected with the food of man, and concluded by announcing 
 Mr. Bowker's intention of being speedily in the county to 
 make a personal canvass of the electors, and pledging 
 himself to give every man an opportunity of registering 
 his vote in favour of enlightened and rational policy. It
 
 45 HILLLNGDON HALL. 
 
 concluded, " Believe me to be, gentlemen, with unfeigned 
 esteem, your faithful and sincere friend, 
 
 "WM. BOWKER. 
 
 "WHETSTONE PARK." 
 
 " God bless us ! who ever heard such a thing ! " exclaimed 
 the Duke, dropping the paper lifelessly from his hand. 
 " Who ever heard of such a thing ! " repeated he, with a 
 sigh ; " bearded in one's own county by the Lord knows 
 who ! These are the blessings of the Reform Bill. To 
 think that I should have lived to see such a thing ! Told 
 Grey and Russell, and all of them, that they were going too 
 far. Never thought to get such a return for giving up my 
 boroughs. Oh dear ! oh dear ! what will the world come to ? 
 To think of Jeems being defrauded of his birthright ! " 
 
 " Shalln't be the case, though," added the Duke, boiling 
 with indignation. " Will spend my last shilling before I'll 
 give up my seat." 
 
 Thereupon his Grace took another look at the hateful 
 address. 
 
 " William Bowker ! " said he, with a sneer ; " wonder who 
 the fellow is. Some millionaire some opium smuggler 
 some impudent upstart millowner ! Oh, that Jeems should 
 be brought in contact with such a man. Had it been a 
 member of some old county family, with their bigoted pride 
 and Tory prejudices, one could have tolerated it ; but to be 
 bearded by William Bowker, of Whetstone Park, in the 
 County of Middlesex a man of yesterday a mushroom 
 a nobody, in fact it's disgusting ! " Thereupon his Grace 
 threw the paper on the floor. 
 
 After a few minutes spent in a reverie, during which the 
 Duke passed rapidly through his mind the political events 
 of his early life, contrasting the comfortable arrangements 
 of those days with the angry struggles of the present, he 
 again roused himself, and determined to do something, 
 though he didn't know what. A man in that situation 
 generally rings the bell, and his Grace did so. 
 
 " Send Binks here," said his Grace, as a footman answered 
 the summons.
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 451 
 
 " Binks is out shooting, your Grace," replied the man. 
 
 " Out shooting ! " repeated the Duke ; " that's awkward 
 want to see him particularly," his Grace's wishes increasing 
 as the means of gratifying them diminished. 
 
 " Send a groom up to the valet's covert to desire Binks 
 to come here directly," said his Grace impatiently. 
 
 " Tell Binks to get on to the groom's horse and ride," 
 exclaimed the Duke, as the astonished footman vanished like 
 lightning. 
 
 " The valet's covert " was a wood kept exclusively for the 
 amusement of those useful gentry " upper servants," and 
 there not being many strangers in it in the course of the 
 season, it fell more immediately to the share of Binks and 
 the Castle " gentlemen," who were now giving the pheasants 
 a rattling. Binks was the Duke's oracle ; he knew, or pro- 
 fessed to know, everything. 
 
 Great was Binks's astonishment when the hurrying groom 
 interrupted the "Heigh ! cock I cock ! cock ! " of the beaters, 
 by exclaiming, " Mr. Binks ! Mr. Binks ! come home 
 directly ! come home directly ! the Duke wants you ! the 
 Duke wants you ! " 
 
 Out came Binks, all bustle and briars, with a face like a 
 turkey-cock, wondering what had happened. 
 
 " Get on to my horse and ride ! " exclaimed the groom, 
 jumping off and lengthening the stirrups. 
 
 " What's happened ? " inquired Binks, turning deadly 
 pale ; " the Duke's not ill, is he ? " 
 
 " I don't know," replied the groom. 
 
 Off went Binks at a gallop. 
 
 Arrived at the Castle, he hurried up into the presence, 
 attired as he was, with his whistle dangling at his velveteen 
 jacket button-hole. 
 
 " Binks," said the Duke, " do you know where Whetstone 
 Park is ? "
 
 452 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 "Whetstone Park!" repeated Binks, standing trans- 
 fixed. 
 
 " Whetstone Park, in the County of Middlesex/ said 
 the Duke. 
 
 " Yes, your Grace," replied Binks ; " I should say it's near 
 Isleworth." 
 
 " Isleworth ! " repeated the Duke. " Isleworth ! Isle- 
 worth ! that's near Sion House." 
 
 " The Duke of Northumberland's," replied Binks. 
 
 " Do you know anything of a Mr. William Bowker living 
 there ? " asked the Duke. 
 
 " Mr. William Bowker," considered Binks " Mr. William 
 Bowker ; can't say I do. Perhaps he's a City man," suggested 
 Binks, as a reason why he should not know him. 
 
 " He is," replied the Duke ; " the paper here," holding 
 up old Dozey, " says he's going to stand for the county." 
 
 " Indeed ! " exclaimed Binks, in astonishment. " What ! 
 oppose the Marquis ? " asked he. 
 
 "So the paper says" replied the Duke, with a shrug of 
 the shoulders. 
 
 " Must be mad," said Binks, with a toss of the head. 
 
 " I should think so," rejoined the Duke, with another 
 shrug of the shoulders. " Send for Mr. Smoothington," 
 added he. 
 
 Binks hurried away to execute the order. 
 
 The messenger met Mr. Smoothington at the Gothic 
 lodge. That eminent solicitor had been shocked, on awaken- 
 ing in the morning, at finding his whole front covered with 
 enormous placards, containing Mr. Bowker's address, and 
 great bills, printed in blue ink, with " BOWKEK FOR EVER ! " 
 pasted over his nice green door. 
 
 The town of Sellborough was in a perfect ferment far 
 surpassing anything it had ever seen even in the palmiest 
 days of borough ascendancy. The League didn't spare 
 paper. Every house-end every dead wall was covered 
 with their blue bills. A cartload had been put up during 
 the night. As day advanced, a band paraded the streets, 
 and public-houses were freely opened. 
 
 Mr. Smoothington was hustled by a party of drunken
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 453 
 
 men, shouting " Bowker for ever ! " as he stepped into 
 the rickety landaulet that was again to convey him to 
 Donkey ton Castle. Worse than all, some wicked wag 
 posted a great "BowKER FOE EVER" placard against the 
 back of the carriage. 
 
 Mr. Smoothington was terror-struck Whetstone Park 
 had told upon him. A man in his frame of mind was ill 
 calculated to advise the Duke, who was just in a state to 
 be turned either way. If Smoothington had shown a bold 
 front, the Duke, who had seen none of the preparations, 
 would have determined to show fight ; as it was, his own 
 inclination being for temporising, Mr. Smoothington's advice 
 would determine him that way. 
 
 His Grace rose from his easy-chair as Mr. Smoothington 
 entered the library, and welcomed him with a shake of the 
 hand. 
 
 " Tell us all about it," exclaimed the Duke, hurrying the 
 man of law into a chair. " Tell us all about it," repeated 
 he, resuming his own seat, and drawing his chair close to 
 Mr. Smoothington's. * Who is this Mr. Bowker ? " asked the 
 Duke, before his factotum could get out a word. 
 
 " Keally, your Grace, I don't know," replied Mr. Smoothing- 
 ton ; " the whole thing has come upon me like a clap of 
 thunder. I certainly did hear that the League people had 
 held meetings in Sellborough ; but knowing the parties, I 
 really looked upon them as too contemptible for notice." 
 
 " So did I," exclaimed the Duke, " so did I impudent 
 people monstrous impudent people wrote to Jeems to 
 know his opinions took no notice of them took no notice 
 of them. Tell me now what have they done ? what have 
 they done ? " 
 
 " Your Grace, I presume, has seen Mr. Bowker's address," 
 replied Mr. Smoothington, pulling one of the enormous 
 placards out of his pocket, unfolding, and handing it to his 
 Grace. His Grace read 
 
 " To the gentry, clergy, freeholders, and other electors of 
 the county of
 
 454 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 " GENTLEMEN, In compliance with a numerous and highly 
 respectable requisition " 
 
 " Ah, this is the same as we have in Dozey" said the 
 Duke, breaking off; "but tell me now," said he, laying it 
 down, " has he arrived ? Does anybody know anything about 
 him?" 
 
 " He is to make a public entry into Sellborough at three 
 o'clock this afternoon, your Grace," replied Mr. Smoothington, 
 " and the town was in a perfect uproar when I came away." 
 
 " You don't say so ! " replied the Duke, holding up both 
 hands. 
 
 " The country the same," continued Mr. Smoothington ; 
 " all along the road the people kept shouting ' Bowker for 
 ever ! ' even the children in the villages ! " 
 
 " Great heavens ! " exclaimed the Duke. 
 
 " Quite true, I assure your Grace. Two or three fellows 
 that overtook me bawled into the chaise ' Bowker for ever ! ' 
 as they passed." 
 
 " You don't say so ? " exclaimed the Duke. 
 
 "He is a rich man, I suppose," observed the Duke, after 
 a long pause. 
 
 " I should think so," replied Mr. Smoothington. " At all 
 events he seems inclined to spare no expense. He's taken 
 the whole of the ' Duke's Head.' 
 
 " Why, that's our house ! " exclaimed his Grace. " How 
 could Tucker ever let him in ? " 
 
 " There's dinner ordered for six. Champagne in ice 
 wax candles and rose-water saw the order myself," observed 
 Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " Indeed ! " said the Duke, with a chuck of the head. 
 
 " Feather bed atop of the mattress seems a most par- 
 ticular gentleman," added Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " Well, what do you think is best to be done ? " asked 
 the Duke, after conning the great placard. "We must do 
 something." 
 
 "Upon my word it's a critical position," replied Mr. 
 Smoothington. " A contest's a disagreeable thing." 
 
 " Monstrous disagreeable ! " exclaimed the Duke, with an 
 emphasis.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 455 
 
 " This has the appearance of being an expensive one," 
 observed Mr. Smoothington. " Money seems no object. 
 Public-houses opened, and ale flowing like water." 
 
 " The expense is not the worst of it," replied the Duke. 
 " I dread the canvass ! I dread the canvass ! " 
 
 " They are nasty things," replied Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 "Jeems is not strong," said the Duke. " Jeems is not 
 strong ; might knock him up might knock him up." 
 
 " Very true, your Grace," replied Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " Might get insulted," observed the Duke, thinking of 
 the kissing he got from the fish-fag. 
 
 " He might so, your Grace," assented Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " Do you think we could enlarge upon our address so as 
 to meet the views of the League, and get rid of the opposi- 
 tion ? " asked the Duke, after a pause. 
 
 " Let me see, your Grace," said Mr. Smoothington, pro- 
 ducing a printed copy of the address. 
 
 " You see there's very little in it," observed the Duke. 
 
 "Very general, your Grace," replied Mr. Smoothington, 
 conning it over. 
 
 " I said we'd put as little in it as possible, you know," 
 observed the Duke. 
 
 " You did so, your Grace," assented Mr. Smoothington ; 
 " and a very prudent and fortunate resolution it was." 
 
 " The least said soonest mended, always," said his Grace. 
 
 " The least said soonest mended," repeated Mr. Smooth- 
 ington, working his hands. 
 
 " Well, now, what do you think ? " asked the Duke, 
 anxious to have something for his three guineas and 
 chaise-hire. 
 
 " There will be two points to consider," observed the 
 man of law, after a pause ; " first, whether Mr. Bowker 
 wants a seat in Parliament independently of the Corn 
 Laws ; and secondly, whether, by the Marquis of Bray 
 declaring himself against the Corn Laws, he might not 
 stir up an opposition from the landed interest." 
 
 "Ha!" said the Duke, "I see. The first will be the 
 difficulty getting rid of Bowker; I'm not afraid of an 
 opposition among ourselves. Who's to do it ? Who's to
 
 4 5 6 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 do it ? We are popular monstrous popular ! I suppose, 
 ar'nt we ? " 
 
 " Very popular indeed'' replied Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " I think if we could enlarge our liberality so as to satisfy 
 the League, we might get rid of the opposition," observed 
 the Duke. " / really do" added he. 
 
 Smoothington now saw which way the wind blew, and 
 prepared to trim his sail accordingly. 
 
 " If it hadn't been the League, we shouldn't have had an 
 opposition," observed he. 
 
 " Very true," replied the Duke, " very true." 
 
 " Get rid of the League get rid of the opposition," 
 observed Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 "Perfectly correct," said the Duke; adding, "accurate 
 view monstrous accurate view ! " 
 
 " No time should be lost," observed Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " No time should be lost," repeated the Duke. 
 
 " The thing is how to set about it," observed Mr. Smooth- 
 ington. 
 
 " There's the difficulty," said the Duke. 
 
 " If one knew anybody who knew this Bowker that one 
 could set to sound him," observed Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 "That would be the way," said the Duke, "but I'm 
 afraid that's not possible. London man not likely to have 
 any acquaintance down here." 
 
 " You might go to him," said the Duke, " with another 
 address similar to the one now in circulation, with the 
 addition of a reference to Free Trade, and pretend that the 
 omission was accidental, and say that you hope, as the 
 Marquis of Bray and himself are quite of the same way of 
 thinking, he will bow to his Lordship's superior claims, and 
 let him in without a contest." 
 
 " Very good," replied Mr. Smoothington, looking at the 
 Marquis's address, saying, " where shall we add it ? " 
 
 " Here in the second paragraph," said the Duke, reading 
 
 " ' It is, I trust, unnecessary for me to enter into any 
 detailed explanation of the principles by which my public 
 conduct will be governed. Suffice it to say they are those 
 which have been maintained by my family throughout
 
 HILLLNGDOX HALL. 457 
 
 succeeding generations the liberal improvements of our 
 institutions, the enlargement and removal of every obstacle 
 to the extension of our commercial prosperity,' " said the 
 Duke. " Don't name the Corn Laws," said he ; " put it 
 generally, and then the farmers won't be frightened. Then 
 go on again as before. ' In those principles I have been 
 educated, and it is upon my sincere attachment to them that 
 I ground my claim to your support/ " concluded the Duke. 
 
 " I understand your Grace," said Mr. Smoothington. 
 " Then I must wait upon Mr. Bowker with a copy of it ? " 
 
 "Just so," said the Duke. "Tell him either that the 
 omission was accidental, or that we left it out for brevity's 
 sake." 
 
 " I'll do as your Grace desires," observed Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " Be civil to the man, you know," added the Duke. 
 
 " Certainly, your Grace." 
 
 "The sooner it is done the better," observed the Duke, 
 applying his hand to the bell, saying at the same time 
 " Would you like a little refreshment ? " 
 
 " Not any, I am much obliged to your Grace," replied 
 Mr. Smoothington, tying up his papers. 
 
 " Then order Mr. Smoothington's carriage," said the 
 Duke, as the servant answered the summons. 
 
 " Despatch a messenger the moment you have anything 
 to tell," said his Grace, shaking hands with Mr. Smooth- 
 ington, as that gentleman took his leave. 
 
 Two shakes in one day.
 
 ( 458 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XLII. 
 
 When creeping murmur, and the poring dark, 
 Fill the wide vessel of the universe." 
 
 |T was turning dusk as Mr. Smoothington reached 
 the hill above Sellborough on his way back 
 from Donkeyton Castle, but the wind setting 
 towards him, sounds of music, and drunken 
 revelry were borne on its wings. 
 
 Mr. Bowker had made a grand entry into the town at 
 three o'clock, amid the most enthusiastic demonstrations 
 from the populace. They met his carriage at the turn- 
 pike gate, on what had been the London, but was now 
 called the Smoke Station road, and, having taken the four 
 panting posters from it, had drawn him through all the 
 principal streets, preceded by numerous splendid banners, 
 and two bands of music. 
 
 The honourable gentleman had made a most favourable 
 impression. He was dressed in the height of the fashion 
 a mulberry-coloured frock-coat with a rolling velvet collar, 
 and a velvet waistcoat of a few shades brighter colour than 
 the coat ; an extensive flowered satin cravat, with massive 
 electrotype chained pins, fawn-coloured leathers, and Hessian 
 boots. His touring excursions having supplied him with 
 an abundant stock of health, he presented a very different 
 appearance to what the generality of country people 
 imagine a London merchant to be like. 
 
 Altogether, he created an indescribable sensation ; and as 
 he passed along, standing up in his barouche, bowing 
 gracefully to the ladies, they waved their handkerchiefs, and 
 declared he was " a most charming man." Then, when he
 
 HILLLNGDON HALL. 459 
 
 got to the " Duke's Head," he appeared in the balcony of 
 the drawing-room, and addressed them on the importance 
 of the privilege they would soon be called upon to exercise. 
 After alluding touchingly to the lamented death of Mr. 
 Guzzlegoose, he called upon them to exercise the elective 
 franchise in such a way as would be beneficial to them- 
 selves, their posterity, and their country at large, when the 
 elegance of his manner, and the graceful flourishes of his 
 lavender-colour kidded hand, carried all before it, and men, 
 women, and children hurrahed, and shouted " Bowker for 
 ever ! " 
 
 But when he came to expatiate on their wrongs, pointed 
 out the injury they sustained by the operation of the Corn 
 Laws, exposed their exclusive workings for the benefit of the 
 landlords, and called upon them to support a candidate 
 favourable to their immediate and total repeal, the enthusiasm 
 of the mob knew no bounds, and every hand was held up in 
 favour of Mr. Bowker " Big- loaf Bowker," as he christened 
 himself. 
 
 After partaking of some light refreshment, he then com- 
 menced his canvass, amid the ringing of bells, the rolling 
 of drums, the twanging of horns, and the shouts of the 
 populace ; and if unregistered promises could have brought 
 him in, Mr. Bowker would certainly have been member for 
 the county. 
 
 Thus he spent the day shaking hands praising and 
 admiring the children, chucking damsels under the chin 
 promising all things to all men. At length, tired of the din 
 and flurry of the proceedings, Mr. Bowker was glad when 
 five o'clock came ; and with his old friend Mr. St. Julien 
 Sinclair, and his committee, Mr. Lishman, a bankrupt baker, 
 Mr. Grace, an insolvent painter, Mr. Moss, a radical school- 
 master, and Mr. Noble, a sold-off farmer, he left the streets 
 to enjoy the evening repast at the "Duke's Head." The 
 landlord, Mr. Tucker, in a white waistcoat, followed by his 
 waiter and boots in their best apparel, met the distinguished 
 guests at the door, and conducted them to the drawing- 
 room. 
 
 Mr. Bowker, after begging to be excused a few minutes
 
 460 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 while he went and washed his hands (a thing his committee 
 never thought of doing), retired to his bedroom, and made 
 a perfect revision of his costume. When he returned he 
 was in an evening dress, smart blue coat with club buttons 
 and velvet collar and cuffs, white neckcloth, superbly 
 embroidered waistcoat, with black silk tights, and buckled 
 shoes. He dangled a pair of primrose-coloured kid gloves 
 in his hand* 
 
 "We may as well ring for dinner," observed the florid 
 swell, entering the drawing-room, and surveying the seedy 
 crew sitting round. He gave a pull that sounded through 
 the house. 
 
 The dinner was quickly served, and as quickly despatched 
 by the hungry guests, several of whom had not tasted meat 
 for a week. Champagne, hock, claret, sparkled on the 
 board, and was swallowed by some whose stomachs were 
 much more accustomed to beer. 
 
 As evening shades made the sherry indistinguishable 
 from the port or claret, and Mr. Tucker, in obedience to 
 the Squire of Whetstone Park's summons, was bearing a 
 branching candelabra through the passage on his way up- 
 stairs, Mr. Smoothington arrived at the door of the hotel, 
 and begged Mr. Tucker to carry his card up to Mr. Bowker. 
 
 Accordingly that functionary did so. 
 
 " Smoothington ! " said Bill, glancing at the gilt-edged 
 pasteboard with the easy indifference of a man accustomed 
 to callers. " Smoothington ! who is he ? " 
 
 " Smoothington ! " exclaimed the bankrupt baker and 
 sold-off farmer, each of whom were undergoing Mr. Smooth- 
 ington's polite attentions. 
 
 "Is he an elector?" inquired Bill, considering whether 
 he should see him. 
 
 " He's the Duke of Donkeyton's solicitor," replied mine 
 host. 
 
 " Indeed ! " observed Mr. Bowker ; adding, " show him 
 into a room, and I'll ring and let you know when it's 
 convenient for me to see him."
 
 IIILLINGDOff HALL. 461 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Mr. Tucker. / 
 
 " Help yourselves, gentlemen," said Mr. Bowker, filling 
 his glass, and passing the bottle. 
 
 " We'd better cut our sticks, I think," observed the baker, 
 significantly, to the Corn-Law ruined farmer. 
 
 " I think so too," replied the latter. 
 
 " And I'll go with you," added Mr. Grace, the insolvent 
 painter, who lived in a house belonging to the Duke. 
 
 " Oh no, gentlemen," said Bill, " don't disturb yourselves 
 don't disturb yourselves I'll receive Mr. Smoothington 
 in the other room." 
 
 " We'll go there ! " exclaimed all three " we'll go there ! " 
 thinking to avoid meeting Mr. Smoothington on the stairs. 
 
 " Take a bottle of wine with you ! " said Bill, pushing the 
 port towards them. 
 
 " Thank ye we'd prefer glasses and pipes," observed Mr. 
 Lishman. 
 
 " Ah, you are the right sort, I see," replied Bill ; " nothing 
 like baccy." 
 
 They all then bundled out. 
 
 " Just put the table right, and take these dirty plates 
 away," said Mr. Bowker, as the landlord answered the 
 expected summons. 
 
 "Now, give a couple of clean glasses, and tell Mr. 
 Smoothington I shall be happy to see him," said Bill, twirling 
 the card about. 
 
 Mr. Smoothington's creaking boots presently sounded on 
 the stairs as he ascended two steps at a time. Another 
 moment, and he was bowing and scraping in the room. 
 
 "Mr. Smoothington, I believe," said Mr. Bowker, rising 
 and bowing to the stranger. 
 
 " The same," replied the man of law, making one of his 
 best Donkeyton Castle bows, and laying his hand on his 
 heart. 
 
 " Pray, be seated," said Mr. Bowker ; " pray, be seated,"
 
 46z HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 said he, laying his hand on the back of the chair, by the clean 
 glasses and plate. 
 
 Mr. Smoothington put his hat under the chair, and obeyed 
 the injunction. 
 
 " Take a glass of wine," said Mr. Bowker, passing the 
 bottle across. " That's claret without the label ; you'll find 
 it better than the port." 
 
 " Thank you, sir," said Mr. Smoothington, helping himself 
 to the claret. 
 
 " Confound these country inns," observed Mr. Bowker, 
 " they've no notion of doing things properly. Only fancy ! 
 they sent up champagne without being iced ! " 
 
 " Indeed ! " exclaimed Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " Did, 'pon honour," said Bill, with a shake of the head. 
 " The claret's not what it should be, but the landlord says 
 it's the best he can give. I'm sorry I can offer you no better 
 dessert than these filberts and biscuits," added he ; " but to 
 tell you the truth, I've had the misfortune to lose my footman 
 and part of my luggage." 
 
 " Indeed ! " exclaimed Mr. Smoothington, with a look of 
 concern. 
 
 " He's either left behind at a station, or carried past the 
 right one ; at all events, when I wanted him he was not to 
 be found. The worst of it is," added Bill, " he had a couple 
 of pine-apples and some fine grapes, that my gardener poor 
 fellow thought would be a treat for me in the country." 
 
 " Indeed ! " rejoined Mr. Smoothington ; " that is a loss ; " 
 as much as to say, the footman was nothing. 
 
 " Why, it is a loss, as things stand," said Bill, " for I 
 should have liked to have offered you a slice. As for myself, 
 I care nothing about them ; but we are supposed to grow 
 the finest in England." 
 
 " You. are very kind, I'm sure," replied Mr. Smoothington ; 
 adding, " have you much glass ? " 
 
 "Three houses, I think," said Bill; "three pineries 
 that's to say, three vineries ; peach-house or two. But I 
 care very little about a garden." 
 
 " Pay more attention to your park, perhaps," observed 
 Mr. Smoothington.
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 463 
 
 " Ay, there you have it ! " said Bill, brightening up ; 
 " there you have it," repeated he. " My friend, Lord 
 Scampington, pays me the compliment of saying I've the 
 finest venison in England." 
 
 " Have you indeed ? " exclaimed Mr. Smoothington, who 
 dearly loved the cut of a haunch, particularly when he could 
 get a glass of Burgundy after it. 
 
 " Help yourself," said Mr. Bowker, pushing the bottles 
 towards him, thinking his friend would want something to 
 wash the lies he was telling him down with. Mr. Smooth- 
 ington did as desired. Pending the gulp which followed, 
 he bethought him of business. 
 
 " I hope you are not tired with the exertion of your can- 
 vass," observed Mr. Smoothington, rubbing hand over hand. 
 
 " Why, not tired," said Bill, with an air of indifference ; 
 " not tired rather bored." 
 
 " You are on the Eepeal interest, I perceive," said Mr. 
 Smoothington. 
 
 " Repeal decidedly," replied Bill. " By the way, did you 
 see my little English and big American loaf dangling from 
 the balcony as you came in ? " 
 
 " It was dusk," replied Mr. Smoothington ; " and there 
 was a great crowd about." 
 
 " Looking at it, I dare say," said Bill. " The best dodge yet." 
 
 " The Corn Laws must be repealed," observed Mr. Smooth- 
 ington ; " every thinking man must be satisfied of that. I 
 think, however, it is rather a pity for two champions to 
 start in the same cause when only one can come in." 
 
 " How so ! " exclaimed Mr. Bowker ; adding, " what ! is 
 there another Richard in the field ? " 
 
 " The Marquis of Bray and yourself," observed Mr. 
 Smoothington. 
 
 " The Marquis of Bray's the other way," replied Mr. 
 Bowker. 
 
 " Pardon me," rejoined Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " He wouldn't declare himself, at all events," observed 
 Bill, " and we politicians generally consider those that are 
 not for us are against us." 
 
 " It was partly out of delicacy to the memory of Mr.
 
 464 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 Guzzlegoose, and partly a mistake of mine ! " observed Mr. 
 Smoothington. 
 
 " How so ? " asked Bill, filling himself a bumper, and 
 passing the bottle. 
 
 "Why, I prepared his Lordship's address, the draft of 
 which I now produce," said Mr. Smoothington, diving into 
 the back pocket of his coat, and producing some ominous 
 red-taped papers. " In this draft, as you will perceive," 
 continued he, opening it out, " distinct allusion is made to 
 all restrictions on trade, including, of course, the Corn Laws ; 
 but, by an unfortunate clerical error, that important sentence 
 was omitted, and the bill printed and posted without " 
 
 " That's very odd," observed Mr. Bowker ; adding, " shows 
 great inattention on " 
 
 " I was called away at the moment to attend a relation 
 who was dying," interrupted Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " Well, but why didn't the Marquis answer the League 
 letters ? " asked Bill ; adding, " great body of that sort is 
 entitled to respect, even from a Marquis." 
 
 " That was a pity, certainly," replied Mr Smoothington. 
 "If I had been at home it would have been otherwise. 
 These young men, you see, are unused to business inatten- 
 tive. I can answer for it, however, that not the slightest 
 disrespect was meant to the League." 
 
 " Hum ! " considered Bill. 
 
 " It certainly seems a pity," continued Mr Smoothington, 
 " that two candidates of the same opinions should offer them- 
 selves for the same seat ; to say nothing of the probability, 
 nay, certainty, of the Tories putting up a man, and getting it 
 from them." 
 
 " I'm not afraid of the Tories," replied Bill ; " as a party 
 they are contemptible against the League." 
 
 " Single-handed, they are, I dare say," agreed Mr. 
 Smoothington ; " but if the League interest is split, a very 
 small party will defeat it." 
 
 " True ! " observed Mr. Bowker, seeing how the thing 
 would cut. "Well, then, the best thing will be for the 
 Marquis of Bray to retire," added he ; " can be no difficulty 
 about that, you know."
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 465 
 
 " Except that the Marquis's interest has always been 
 paramount in the county." 
 
 " Time there was a change then," observed Bill. " The 
 Keform Bill ought to have put all that right." 
 
 " I'm afraid I could hardly advise the Marquis to retire," 
 observed Mr. Smoothington, after a long pause. 
 
 " You can hardly expect me to do it, I think, after all the 
 expense I've incurred," replied Mr. Bowker. 
 
 " Perhaps we could accommodate matters," suggested 
 Mr. Smoothington, helping himself to the proffered bottles. 
 " The Duke has great interest in the neighbouring borough 
 of Swillington, and a dissolution can't be far off; his interest 
 there might return you comfortably for a long session, with- 
 out trouble or expense." 
 
 Mr. Bowker sat silent, apparently considering the matter. 
 
 " County representations are very troublesome," observed 
 Mr. Smoothington ; " people never done asking schools, 
 churches, hospitals, infirmaries, races, plays, farces, devil- 
 ments of all sorts no gratitude either. At Swillington 
 there's nothing but a dinner, and a guinea a-head to the 
 voters ; five hundred pounds would do it." 
 
 " I should still lose all the expenses I have been at here," 
 observed Mr. Bowker. 
 
 " That could be accommodated too," replied Mr. Smooth- 
 ington. 
 
 " Consider the trouble, though," bristled Mr. Bowker. 
 " What can compensate me for my trouble, mental anxiety, 
 and so on ? " 
 
 " True ! " assented Mr. Smoothington, unable to price it. 
 
 " Separation from family," urged Mr. Bowker. 
 
 " Very true," replied Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " Leaving one's own comfortable home for a filthy frowsy 
 inn, where they haven't even the common decency, I may 
 almost say, necessary of life, ice for champagne." 
 
 "This, I fear, is beyond the reach of our control," ob- 
 served Mr. Smoothington, rolling his hands over and 
 over. 
 
 " Money can't put that right," said Mr. Bowker. 
 
 Mr. Smoothington shook his head. "It's an unfortunate 
 
 2 G
 
 466 H1LLINGDON HALL. 
 
 thing that the Marquis and you should have come in 
 collision," said he. 
 
 " It is," said Mr. Bowker, " most unfortunate." 
 
 " The Duke is a most amiable person," observed Mr. 
 Smoothington ; " so is the Duchess ; you'd like them if you 
 knew them." 
 
 "Faith, I'm not a great man for the nobility," observed 
 Mr. Bowker. " Am very much of an old friend of mine's 
 way of thinking; who says that they first try to make 
 towels, and then dish-clouts of one." 
 
 " The Duke of Donkeyton doesn't," replied Mr. Smooth- 
 ington ; " he's always the same." 
 
 " Good fellow, is he ? " asked Mr. Bowker. 
 
 " Very" replied Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " And the Marquis, what's he like ? " asked Mr. Bowker. 
 
 " Very fine young man," said Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " Indeed ! " mused Mr. Bowker. 
 
 " Perhaps you'd go over with me and talk to the 
 Marquis ? " observed Mr. Smoothington, after a pause. 
 
 " Why, I don't know," replied Mr. Bowker ; "I dare say 
 we can do all he could." 
 
 " No doubt," rejoined Mr. Smoothington ; " no doubt. 
 The Duke will ratify whatever I do." 
 
 " You are his factotum, I suppose," observed Mr. Bowker. 
 
 " The Duke does nothing without consulting me," replied 
 Mr. Smoothington, with a self-complacent smile. 
 
 " It's an awkward business," mused Mr. Bowker ; " com- 
 menced my canvass extremely popular great disappoint- 
 ment enormous expense." 
 
 " The expense should be no object," replied Mr. Smooth- 
 ington, ." if you could only get over the rest." 
 
 Mr. Bowker meditated. 
 
 "Nay, I don't want to drive a hard bargain," at length 
 said he, with an air of indifference. 
 
 " It's only right you should not be out of pocket," replied 
 Mr. Smoothington ; " indeed, I should consider it my duty 
 to see that you were not, the mistake having originated partly 
 with myself." 
 
 " Well," said Mr. Bowker, again helping himself, and
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 467 
 
 passing the bottle, "your proposition appears reasonable 
 fair, I may say." 
 
 " I am glad you think so," replied Mr. Smoothington ; 
 " there is only one way of dealing with gentlemen like you." 
 
 " Let me see," said Mr. Bowker, rubbing his hands ; " it 
 is that the Duke returns me for Swillington at the general 
 election, and pays my present expenses that's to say, up to 
 to-night ? " 
 
 " I'll agree to that on behalf of his Grace," replied Mr. 
 Smoothington, bowing and helping himself. 
 
 " It may save trouble," said Bill, " if I take a sum down. 
 There are expenses in town as well as here," added he. 
 
 " As you please," replied Mr. Smoothington. " What shall 
 we say ? " 
 
 " Put it in at your own figure," said Bill, with a shrug of 
 the shoulders, and an air of indifference. " A thousand ! say 
 a thousand ! " added he. 
 
 This was a good deal more than Mr. Smoothington 
 expected; but coming from a man with three pineries, and 
 the best venison going, he thought it better to close than to 
 haggle ; especially as he was dealing for a Duke. 
 
 " Agreed," said Mr. Smoothington. 
 
 " Help yourself," said Mr. Bowker, again passing the bottle, 
 " and drink success to the Marquis of Bray." Mr. Bowker 
 drank it in a bumper. 
 
 " His lordship will be much flattered when I tell him the 
 compliment you've paid him," said Mr. Smoothington, filling 
 his glass and doing the same. 
 
 " You may as well give me a cheque for the money 
 to-night," said Bill, " and let me get out of this noisy place 
 before they resume their racket in the morning." 
 
 " With all my heart," replied Mr. Smoothington, thinking 
 he had better clench the bargain and get an agreement of 
 resignation at the same time. Pens, ink, and paper being 
 then produced, Mr. Smoothington filled up a cheque for the 
 required sum, and took a memorandum of the agreement 
 from Mr. Bowker, who got a duplicate signed by Mr. S., on 
 behalf of the Duke of Donkeyton. 
 
 Exulting in his diplomacy, Mr. Smoothington shortly after
 
 468 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 backed out of the room, not, however, without receiving a 
 pressing invitation from Bill to visit him at Whetstone 
 Park. 
 
 With a somewhat swimming head, Mr. Smoothington 
 descended the inn stairs ; and, after ordering an express to 
 come to his house, as soon as he could get ready, he sat down 
 at his desk at home to write his letter to Donkeyton Castle 
 just as the market-place clock chimed midnight.
 
 CHAPTER XLIII. 
 
 " Thus far our fortune keeps an onward course, 
 And we are graced with wreaths of victory." 
 
 SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 R. SMOOTHINGTON felt as if he had performed 
 the greatest feat in his life. Single-handed, 
 he had saved the county from a contest. Thus 
 he announced the victory to the Duke : 
 
 " MY LORD DUKE, I have the honour to acquaint yoa 
 that, after a long interview with Mr. Bowker, I have at 
 length succeeded in inducing that gentleman to retire from 
 the contest. 
 
 " I found him most genteel, affable, and urbane ; but 
 his ambition of obtaining a seat in Parliament, and the 
 great expense he had already incurred, together with 
 the popularity he had acquired, made him reluctant to 
 lose his hold upon the electors. After, however, pressing 
 upon his consideration the similarity of the Marquis of 
 Bray's (amended) political opinions and his own, together 
 with your lordship's old family claims upon the county, Mr. 
 Bowker, in the most gentlemanly manner, consented to 
 retire, on the understanding that your lordship affords him 
 your interest at Swillington, at the general election, and 
 pays the costs of the day. These, to save trouble, and for 
 the sake of round numbers, he has put down at one thousand 
 pounds, be the same more or less, for which sum I have 
 given him a cheque on my banker, and I now most sincerely 
 trust that the Marquis of Bray may succeed to the seat of 
 his ancestors without further let, suit, trouble, molestation, 
 hindrance, or delay.
 
 470 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " I have the honour to subscribe myself, my Lord Duke, 
 with the greatest respect, your much obliged and very 
 humble servant, " PETER SMOOTHINGTON, 
 
 Sdlborough. 
 
 " To the most noble, the, Duke, of Dorikeyton, 
 Dorikeyton Castle. 
 
 " IMMEDIATE. BY EXPRESS. ONE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING." 
 
 His lordship had retired to rest at his usual hour, hoping 
 to drown in sleep the painful subject that had occupied 
 the Duchess's and his attention since Mr. Smoothington's 
 departure, having first given orders to Binks to send up any 
 letter that might arrive the moment it came. Sleep, how- 
 ever, was banished from his eyelids. The horrible phantom 
 of a monstrous bloated citizen passed continually before his 
 vision, and " BOWKER FOR EVER " sounded in his ears. 
 
 Sometimes, when just dropping off asleep, he fancied 
 himself in the clutches of the fish-fag, and his efforts to 
 disengage himself awoke him. Twelve, one, two, three, 
 and four o'clock, he successively heard strike, and he began 
 to long for daylight. Towards five, just as he really was 
 likely to succeed, a little, gentle tapping, that could hardly 
 awake a mouse, sounded through the thick oak door, and, 
 in obedience to the Duke's " Come in ! " Jeanette, the 
 Duchess's pretty little French maid, tripped noiselessly into 
 the room, and, by the aid of the rush-light, deposited Mr. 
 Smoothington's letter on the table at the bedside. The 
 Duke was presently at it. 
 
 " Bravo ! " exclaimed the Duke, as he read the first 
 sentence, announcing that Mr. Smoothington had succeeded 
 in inducing Mr. Bowker to retire. 
 
 " That's a good job," said he, " however." 
 He then proceeded with the rest of the letter. 
 
 " Very good ! " said he, " very good ! well done indeed 
 monstrously well done," said he, reading the borough arrange- 
 ment and the thousand pounds. " Smoothington's managed
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 471 
 
 that well." So saying, the Duke lit the wax-candles in 
 the dressing-room, and forthwith proceeded to exercise his 
 gratitude by the following letter to his conjurer : 
 
 " DEAR SIR, I beg to return you the Duchess of 
 Donkeyton's and my very best thanks for the admirable 
 arrangement you have effected with Mr. Bowker. We 
 ratify it in every respect. I enclose an order on Moneyboys 
 & Co. for fifteen hundred pounds, begging your acceptance 
 of the five hundred. With respect, sir, I have the pleasure 
 to be, your obedient servant, " DONEE YTON." 
 
 Having directed and sealed this, the Duke rang his bell, 
 and, after desiring that the messenger might have it, he 
 turned into bed, and slept like a top until twelve. 
 
 This being the second time within the four-and-twenty 
 hours that the bow-legged postboy and rat- tailed roan had 
 been at the Castle, the former thought it necessary to refresh 
 his inward man very considerably ; and he drank so much 
 strong ale that he was greatly indebted to his horse's dis- 
 cernment for getting him home. He was stupidly drunk. 
 Daylight, fresh air, and the ride made him staring drunk. 
 He looked like an owl. Great placards met his eyes at 
 intervals as he went, but all he could settle respecting 
 them was that they were not " signs." Gradually his vision 
 improved, and his mind began toying with the letters. The 
 placards were all alike, and the frequency of their appearance 
 so far familiarised him with them, that he blurted out on 
 tumbling from his horse in the inn-yard, " Great fat Duke 
 o' Donkeyton total repealer." 
 
 After comers saw more clearly. It was market-day at 
 Sellborough, and consternation was depicted on the farmers' 
 faces as they entered the town, and the ominous placard 
 
 "A GREAT FACT! 
 THE DUKE OF DONKEYTON 
 
 A 
 TOTAL REPEALER,"
 
 472 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 met their gaze at every turn. The League again were 
 prodigal of paper. 
 
 The farmers stared, and asked each other what it could 
 mean. It must be a hoax it could not be true. The 
 Duke, the bulk of whose income was derived from land, 
 would never cut his own throat. One thought one thing, 
 another another. 
 
 Mr. Smoothington, like the Duke, indulged in a good 
 snooze after his over-night exertions ; and the morning was 
 far spent ere in the progress of his shave his eye met one 
 of the enormous placards on the opposite wall 
 
 "GREAT FACT! 
 THE DUKE OF DONKEYTON 
 
 A 
 TOTAL EEPEALER ! " 
 
 Smoothington was horror-struck. He saw the error he 
 had committed. He stared and stared and could not finish 
 his shave ; knocks sounded at his door, and rings pealed at 
 his bell ; and when he got downstairs, he found the passage 
 and clerk's office crammed full of farmers. Just then the 
 bill-sticker went by with his paste-can and pole, putting up 
 the Marquis's amended address. Boys were distributing it 
 in hand-bills about the streets, and shouts of " Bowker for 
 ever ! Big-loaf Bowker ! " still sounded in the streets, as 
 " open houses " closed their accounts by turning the topers 
 out of doors. Mr. Bowker 'had taken his departure soon 
 after the bank opened, leaving the English and American 
 loaves dangling from the inn balcony. The drunken, frantic 
 violence of the debauched town populace contrasted with the 
 sober staidness of the farmers. 
 
 Some people may fancy farmers simple fools ; but where 
 self-interest is concerned, they are quite as sharp as their 
 neighbours. To be sure, they do sometimes make absurd 
 propositions to their landlords, but that is more a sign of 
 their thinking their landlords fools than of their being so 
 themselves. Did any landlord ever know a tenant make a 
 proposition that would tell against himself?
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 473 
 
 Mr. Smoothington could not humbug the farmers. He 
 could not make them believe that the Marquis's fresh address 
 had nothing to do with the League placard, or with Mr. 
 Bowker's departure. Moreover, being plain-spoken men, 
 they frankly told him so. 
 
 The market commenced, and the effect these proceedings 
 had upon the prices will be best understood by the following 
 extract from that excellent agricultural paper, The Mark 
 Lane Express. 
 
 " SELLBOROUGH. Our market was well supplied with 
 wheat, for which the farmers expected high prices ; but 
 owing to the unexpected announcement of the Duke of 
 Donkeyton's accession to the Corn-Law League (proclaimed 
 by large placards throughout the town before the market 
 commenced) a panic ensued, and it could hardly be got off 
 at any price. Barley, oats, beans, and peas shared a similar 
 depression." 
 
 It so happened that this was the monthly meeting day of 
 the farmers' club, when they dined together, smoked, drank, 
 and discussed farming topics. There was a large muster of 
 the body towards two o'clock, at the sign of the " Bull's Head." 
 The subject fixed for discussion " How much more potent 
 lime was when supplied by the landlord than when found by 
 the tenant ? " was forgotten altogether in the excitement 
 caused by the announcement of the morning. Mr. Heavy- 
 tail was chairman of the day, and entered the room in a high 
 state of perturbation, caused by the untoward depression of 
 prices. His voice was heard upstairs before he had well got 
 into the passage below. 
 
 " AK NIVER KNEW SUCH A THING IN ALL MY LIFE ! FOLKS 
 ARE ALL GONE MAD TOGETHER! HAVEN'T TAKEN AS MUCH 
 MONEY AS WILL PAY MY GATES ! " 
 
 Johnny Wopstraw came in, greatcoated and overalled as 
 usual, with his canvas sample bag in his hand, declaring 
 " Upon the who-o-le, he was ruined ! " 
 
 Haycock of Hazledean, Farbridge of Cow Gate, Snewkes 
 of Heckley Heath, Brick of Dobble Heath, Brick of 
 Rushley, Clotworthy of Woolley Grange, Dick Grumbleton 
 of Hawkstone, and some twenty others, all declared the
 
 474 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 same thing. Murmur rose above murmur, till the joints 
 got upon the table, and the meat stopped their mouths. 
 Heavytail was hid behind a baron of beef. The clatter of 
 knives, forks, and plates, the callings for ale and beer, and 
 the thanking each other for further supplies, stopped the 
 grumbling for a time. 
 
 The cloth being drawn, and the favourite beverage of 
 each man placed before him wine to the wine drinker, 
 spirit and water to the humbler Mr. Heavytail rose and 
 gave the " Health of the Queen " in a tone that plainly told 
 how depressed he was. Her Majesty's health having been 
 drunk, Heavytail presently rose again, and in his usual 
 stentorian voice, exclaimed 
 
 "UPON MY WORD, GENTLEMEN, I'M SO TROUBLED IN MY MIND, 
 THAT I CANNOT GO ON AS I SHOULD. I THINK I NEVER HEARD 
 SUCH A THING IN MY LIFE, AS FOR A NOBLEMAN LIKE THE 
 
 DUKE OF DONKEYTON A MAN THAT HALF THE COUNTY 
 
 BELONGS TO TO GO AND JOIN A DIRTY RUBBISHTN' EADICAL 
 
 SET OF DIVILS, WITH SCARCE A COAT TO THEIR BACKS " 
 
 (applause). " OH DEAR, I'M BAD," continued Heavytail, 
 panting for breath, and pressing his stomach with his left 
 hand. " I THINK," continued he, in his roar " GENTLEMEN, 
 
 I'D BETTER GET THROUGH MY TOASTS, AND THEN WE CAN 
 TALK THE MATTER QUIETLY OVER; SO I'LL PROPOSE THE 
 HEALTHS OF ' PRINCE ALBERT,' ' ALBERT, PRINCE OF WALES,' 
 'ALL THE YOUNG *UNS,' 'THE QUEEN DOWAGER,' AND 'ALL 
 
 THE REST OF THE EOYAL FAMILY ; ' " with which compre- 
 hensive toast Mark sat down. 
 
 Farmers then began laying their heads together in knots 
 of threes and fours. Some thought one thing, some another. 
 All agreed they could not compete with foreigners. 
 
 " I'VE PUT TWENTY THOUSAND DRAININ' TILES UNDERGROUND 
 
 THIS YEAR," observed the chairman ; " AND WILL ANY MAN 
 
 TELL ME THAT I'M NOT CONSARNED IN THE QUESTION ? " 
 
 " Upon the who-o-o-le," observed Johnny Wopstraw, " I 
 think the farmers are the most so." 
 
 " And the labourers ! " rejoined Mr. Clotworthy of Wooley 
 Grange. " I employ upon an average eight men upon 
 every hundred acres of arable land, winter and summer ;
 
 IIILLINGDON HALL. 475 
 
 and I should like to know Low many I should want if it 
 was all in grass." 
 
 " WE MUST HAVE A MAN THAT'LL PROTECT US ! " observed 
 Mr. Heavytail from the presidential chair. 
 
 " So we will, so we will ! " exclaimed several ; and there- 
 upon glasses began to dance, and spoons to clatter on the 
 table, with the applause the observation called forth. 
 
 More wine, more spirit, and pipes, were then called for. 
 
 " WE MUST SHOW FIGHT, OR THEY'LL FLOOR us ! " observed 
 the oracle again. 
 
 " We will, we will ! " exclaimed several, amid renewed 
 applause. 
 
 " Such a man as Squire Wheatfield, or Mr. Hay of the 
 Mount," observed Mr. Brick of Eushley. 
 
 " Squire Wheatfield don't farm," replied Mr. Farbridge. 
 
 " Squire Hay don't either," said Mr. Brick of Dobble 
 Heath. 
 
 Several other Squires were then talked of: Haycock 
 named his landlord ; but the proposition did not meet with 
 much success. Snewkes named another, Brick a third, and 
 Dick Grumbleton objected to them all. 
 
 "I think, upon the who-o-o-le, we must have Mr. Jor- 
 rocks," observed Johnny Wopstraw. 
 
 Great applause followed the observation. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks next day having got up very early to write 
 an ode to his Bull, was interrupted by the constable coming 
 to say that two men had quarrelled and fought, and each 
 wanted to lay a charge of assault against the other. 
 
 " Quarrelled and fought ! what about ? " exclaimed our 
 Squire, darting an angry glance at the intruder. 
 
 " About about nothing, I think," said the constable. 
 
 " Humph ! " grunted Mr. Jorrocks. " They'll both be in 
 the wrong, I s'pose ? " added he. 
 
 " Indeed, I don't know, sir," replied the constable ; " they 
 both think themselves in the right at the present time." 
 
 " That's jest wot conwinces me they are both in the 
 wrong," rejoined the Justice, thinking how he could get rid 
 of the case without bothering himself.
 
 476 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " Tell 'em," said he, after a pause, " to go to the public- 
 'ouse, the Jorrocks's Harms, and drink a pint o' hale together, 
 and try to make it hup ; and if they can't, to come back 
 here, and I'll commit 'em both." 
 
 " Yes, sir," said the constable. 
 
 " Send 'em to the Sessions," added Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Yes, sir," replied the constable. 
 
 " And bind you over to persecute," continued Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Yes, sir," replied the constable, with a duck of the head. 
 
 " Troublesome dogs," said Mr. Jorrocks to himself ; 
 "they're always fightiri." 
 
 " Please, sir, here's Mr. Good'eart wants to speak to you," 
 said Benjamin, entering the sanctum with his usual hang- 
 gallows look, just as Mr. Jorrocks was resuming his poem. 
 
 " Mr. Goodheart, Binjimin ! " exclaimed the Squire, start- 
 ing up. " I've not seen Mr. Good'eart these six weeks. 
 Show him in." 
 
 Presently the venerable old man made his appearance, 
 drooping with the weight of years. 
 
 "Veil, Mr. Good'eart, and 'ow are you?" asked Mr. 
 Jorrocks, in a cheerful tone. 
 
 " Thank ye, sir, I'm middlin' canna complain not so 
 strong as I was, p'raps am rather gettin' on in years you 
 see I'm turned of seventy-two." 
 
 " Well, but that's nothin'," observed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Why, no, sir ; it's not, sir," replied Goodheart ; " but we 
 are nabbut a short-lived family, you see. My father was 
 cut off in the prime of life at eighty-two." 
 
 "Poor young man!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks; adding, 
 " come, sit down, and tell us all about it. You'll be wanting 
 some fifth o' George the Fourth, I presume." 
 
 " No, sir," replied Willey, not knowing what the Squire 
 meant. 
 
 " Your rent raised, then, p'raps," suggested Mr. Jorrocks, 
 acting on Pigg's recommendation of anticipating complaints. 
 
 "No, 'deed do I not, sir," replied Goodheart, with 
 emphasis ; " us farmers, I think, will all be ruined."
 
 HILLltfGDON HALL. 477 
 
 " Vot's 'appened now ? " asked Mr. Jorrocks. " They 
 harn't been a firin' of your stack-yard, 'ave they ? " 
 
 " Far worse than that ! far worse than that ! " exclaimed 
 Goodheart. " I've been readin' in the Grampound Grun of a 
 thing they call a League, for takin' the duty off French corn." 
 
 " Ah ! " said Mr. Jorrocks, smiling, " you've read up to 
 that, 'ave you ? " recollecting Willey was always a year or 
 two in arrear with news. 
 
 " To think," continued Willey, " of my ever livin' to see 
 such a thing as the French and English on such terms. I, 
 that hate the French, so that I would never eat a French 
 roll or grow French beans in my garden. Why, sir, I was 
 a volunteer in the times of Bonaparte." 
 
 " So was I ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks. " So was I ! " 
 repeated he, " in the City Light 'Oss." 
 
 " But you mustn't allow it," observed Willey, thinking a 
 magistrate could do anything. " You must speak about it," 
 added he. "What's the use of your being a magistrate if 
 you can't stop such work as that ? " 
 
 " I fear it von't come within the fifth of George the 
 Fourth," observed Mr. Jorrocks aloud to himself. 
 
 " Please, sir," said Benjamin, coming in again, " here's 
 Mr. 'Eavytail and some more gentlemen want to see you." 
 
 " More gentlemen ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks. " It must 
 be the ball they want to see ! Confound, that hanimal's 
 werry expensive. Cost me a hocean o' sherry. Shall have 
 to get some Marsala." 
 
 " Tell Mr. 'Tail and the gen'lmen," said Mr. Jorrocks to 
 Benjamin, "that I'm partickler engaged inwestigatin' a 
 dreadful bugglary but the Markis'll be 'appy to see them, 
 and you go and show him or get Pigg, if you're afeard he'll 
 toss you again." 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Benjamin, taking his departure. 
 
 "Please, sir, Mr. Wopstraw says, upon the who-o-ole, it's 
 you they want to see," said Benjamin, entering the room 
 and imitating Wopstraw. 
 
 " Cuss the chaps," muttered Mr. Jorrocks ; adding, " I 
 never 'ave a moment to myself. Yell, send them in," said 
 he in disgust.
 
 478 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 "YOUR SARVANT, SIR," roared Heavy tail, entering tha 
 room, followed by Wopstraw, the Bricks, Snewkes, Grumble- 
 ton, Haycock, Clotworthy, and a whole host more. 
 
 " Good mornin', gentlemen," said Mr. Jorrocks, astonished 
 at the number ; " I'm afeard you'll hardly get chairs," added 
 he, looking round the room. 
 
 "NEVER MIND, SIR, WE CAN STAND," roared Heavytail. 
 " WE'VE COME TO SEE YOU ABOUT THIS PARLIAMENT BUSINESS." 
 
 " Humph," grunted Mr. Jorrocks ; " and who are you 
 for ? " asked he. 
 
 " You ! " roared Heavytail. 
 
 " ME ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks. " Ah, I twig," added 
 he. " You mean you're willin' to wote as I wote. All 
 right and proper much obleged to you." 
 
 " No, sir," observed Wopstraw. " We think, upon the 
 who-o-ole, we'll have you for Parliament man ! " 
 
 " Me for Parliament man ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 " 'ow can that be ? The Markis is to be Parliament man." 
 
 " HE WON'T DO FOR us FARMERS ! " roared Heavytail, 
 producing the Marquis's amended address. 
 
 " I twig," said Mr. Jorrocks. " Goes against the Corn 
 Laws." 
 
 " Upon the who-o-ole, we must have a man that's for 
 them," observed Wopstraw. 
 
 " THERE'S BEEN MEETINGS OF THE FARMERS ALL OVER THE 
 COUNTY," roared Heavytail, " AND THEY'RE ALL FOR YOU." 
 
 " Indeed ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, " that's werry purlite 
 on 'em ; and who'll pay the shot ? Parlument's an expen- 
 sive shop." 
 
 " WE'LL ALL POLL AT OUR OWN EXPENSE," roared Heavy- 
 tail. 
 
 " Ay, but the pollin' ar'nt the great damage. Livin' 
 in London ; givin' of dinners ; bespeakin' of plays in the 
 country, and I don't know what else." 
 
 " Upon the who-o-ole, we think, as you have a house up 
 in London, you can do it cheaper nor anybody else."
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 479 
 
 " Veil," said Mr. Jorrocks, " but it's an enormous sacrifice 
 you are a callin' on me to make. Consider 'ow 'appy I am 
 in the country, tendin' my flocks and 'erds, guanoin' and 
 nitrate o' soberin' my land, and all that sort of thing." 
 
 " BUT THERE'S A DEAL OF HONOUR IN IT," roared Heavytail. 
 
 " No doubt," replied Mr. Jorrocks ; " no doubt," repeated 
 he ; " and so there should and so there should be ; but 
 honour, you know, may be bought too dear." 
 
 " Well, but it's no use argufyin' the matter," observed 
 one of the Bricks ; "for you we've fixed upon, and you 
 we'll have." 
 
 " Veil, but," observed Mr. Jorrocks, after a pause, " you've 
 taken me all aback you've taken me all aback thought 
 you'd come for to see my noble ball there's a deal to con- 
 sider there's a deal to consider Mrs. Jorrocks to consult 
 Mrs. Jorrocks to consult consult Mrs. Jorrocks." 
 
 "THERE'S NO TIME TO LOSE," roared Heavytail. "LET 
 THE MARQUIS GET A START, AND IT'S ALL OVER WITH us. 
 
 YOU MAY GIVE YOUR LAND AWAY, IF YOU CAN. GET ANYBODY 
 TO TAKE IT, THAT'S TO SAY." 
 
 "Oh dear," exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, "that would-be a 
 bad go that would be a bad go. Get little enough as it is. 
 Howsomever, you must give me a leetle time to consider; 
 meanwhile, take a valk, and see the ball, and Mrs. J.'s 
 bantams, and all that sort of thing. Then come back, and 
 have a leetle sherry and seed cake, or something of that sort, 
 and we will talk the matter quietly over, for I declare you've 
 taken me so by surprise, I don't know vether I'm standin' 
 on my 'ead or my 'eels."
 
 CHAPTER XLIV. 
 
 "Bring me no more reports." 
 
 JEOPLE in castles hear differently to the world 
 at large. The real truth seldom penetrates 
 castles. 
 
 When the whole country was in a state of 
 ferment at the appearance of the League's " great fact " 
 bill, and the Marquis of Bray's address, the Duke, ensconced 
 within his park walls, fancied all was over and quiet, and 
 that the Marquis had nothing to do but walk quietly in. 
 
 On the day following the issuing of the bill, his Grace 
 took a saunter up to the model farm to give directions for 
 some new experiments on nature, and hear the result of 
 some recently made. Mr. Jobson had notice of his coming, 
 and the whole establishment were full fig to receive him. Mrs. 
 Jobson had her lavender-coloured silk curtains unbagged, 
 and the drawing-room arranged in apple-pie order, in case 
 his Grace should condescend to take a little refreshment. 
 
 The important experiments being discussed, the Duke, 
 still full of his admirable diplomacy in putting so little into 
 the Marquis's address as to enable him to get rid of Mr. 
 Bowker by a little enlargement of it, could not resist 
 the temptation of saying a few words relative to the late 
 threatened contest. 
 
 "All quiet again now, I suppose," observed he to Mr. 
 Jobson, "since that Mr. Bowker took himself off?" 
 
 " I hope so, your Grace," hesitated Mr. Jobson. 
 
 " What, is there any doubt about it ? " exclaimed the 
 Duke. " Is there any doubt about it ? " repeated he, 
 alarmed at Jobson's manner.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 481 
 
 " Oh no, your Grace," replied Mr. Jobson ; " at least, I 
 dare say not ; what we hear are most likely lies in fact, 
 it does not do to believe everything one hears." 
 
 " But are there any reports current ? " asked the Duke. 
 
 " Why, there are reports, certainly," stammered Mr. 
 Jobson, finding the Duke was ignorant of the feeling of the 
 county ; " but I can't trace them to any good authority." 
 
 " What are they ? " asked the Duke impatiently. " What 
 are they ? " repeated he. 
 
 " Why, I've heard that the farmers threaten an opposi- 
 tion," faltered Mr. Jobson. 
 
 " Farmers threaten an opposition ! " exclaimed the Duke. 
 " That's something new. That'll not do, I think," added he ; 
 " not against the Marquis of Bray, at least." 
 
 " That's what I think," observed Mr. Jobson. 
 
 " Eidiculous!" observed the Duke ; " monstrous ridiculous. 
 We are popular, I suppose ? monstrous popular ? " 
 
 " Extremely popular," replied Mr. Jobson ; adding, " it 
 would be very extraordinary if your Grace was not BO." 
 
 " Well, I think so too," replied the Duke. " I think so 
 too. But tell me, who do they talk of? Who do they 
 talk of?" 
 
 " I have heard two or three named," replied Mr. Jobson. 
 " Captain Bluster, I think, seems the most likely man." 
 
 " Bluster ! Captain Bluster ! " exclaimed the Duke. 
 " Why, that's the man with the whiskers on his chin the 
 man I made a magistrate of." 
 
 " You did, your Grace," replied Mr. Jobson. 
 
 " Impudent dog ! " said the Duke to himself. 
 
 " I gave him a bull too ! " added the Duke, after a pause. 
 
 " No, your Grace Mr. Jorrocks was the gentleman your 
 Grace gave the bull to," observed Mr. Jobson. 
 
 " True," replied the Duke, " true Jorrocks is the man I 
 gave the bull to Jorrocks is a good fellow Jorrocks is a 
 gentleman Bluster's a blackguard Bluster's a blackguard. 
 Impudent fellow monstrous impudent fellow." 
 
 "Do you really think there's any truth in it ? " asked the 
 Duke after a pause. 
 
 " Upon my word I don't know, your Grace," replied Mr. 
 
 2 H
 
 482 HILLINGDOK HALL. 
 
 Jobson, anxious to soothe, but hardly daring to deceive. 
 " Upon my word I don't know," repeated Jobson. " We 
 live in queer times, your Grace." 
 
 " We do indeed," replied the Duke " we do indeed ; that 
 cursed Reform Bill turned the world upside down always 
 told Russell and Durham, and all of them, that they were 
 going far too far. Well, it can't be helped," added he 
 resignedly, after a pause "it can't be helped. If they 
 prefer Bluster to Jeems, they must have Bluster." So 
 saying the Duke turned from the model farm in disgust, 
 and, letting himself into the park through the little green 
 door in the wall, wandered musingly homeward, without 
 doing Mrs. Jobson the honour of calling on her. 
 
 He had not been long gone ere the news arrived at the 
 model farm that Mr. Jorrocks had acceded to the wishes 
 of the farmers, and was about to declare himself for the 
 county. 
 
 Anxious that the Duke should have the earliest informa- 
 tion he could give him on so vital a point, Mr. Jobson ordered 
 his hack to be saddled, and followed the line his Grace had 
 taken across the park. 
 
 He soon overtook him. 
 
 " Your Grace ! " exclaimed Mr. Jobson, reining up his 
 thoroughbred, and taking off his hat. " Your Grace," re- 
 peated he, " I've just heard that Mr. Jorrocks is the gentle- 
 man who's coming forward for the county ! " 
 
 " Mr. Jorrocks ! " exclaimed the Duke ; " Mr. Jorrocks ! 
 That's the man with the whiskers on his chin." 
 
 " No, your Grace," replied Jobson ; " the man with the 
 bull ; Bluster's the man with the whiskers on his chin." 
 
 " Ah, true ! " exclaimed the Duke, " the man I gave the 
 bull to. The man I made a magistrate of, eh ? " 
 
 "Your Grace made magistrates of them both," observed 
 Jobson. 
 
 " So I did," replied the Duke, " so I did. And do you say 
 that that Jorrocks, the man I gave the bull to the man who 
 can't speak English, is going to have the effrontery to oppose 
 the Marquis of Bray ? " 
 
 " So they say, your Grace. He's the man they call the
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 483 
 
 sleeping partner in Mother H's," added Jobson, with a grin 
 Jobson having a cross of the cockney himself. 
 
 " Audacious dog ! " exclaimed the Duke. " Then it's 
 Jorrocks, not Bluster ? " added his Grace, conning the matter 
 over. 
 
 " Jorrocks, not Bluster," replied Jobson, with an emphasis 
 on Jorrocks. 
 
 " Ah, I thought it wouldn't be Bluster," observed the 
 Duke. " Bluster's a good fellow. Bluster's a gentleman. 
 Jorrocks is a blackguard ! Jorrocks is a blackguard ! " 
 
 Jobson stood silent by the side of his hack. 
 
 " It's a nuisance," said the Duke, after a long pause ; 
 " monstrous nuisance ; may involve Jeems in a nasty beery 
 canvass." 
 
 " It may so, your Grace," replied Mr. Jobson. 
 
 " Couldn't we get rid of this man Jorrocks somehow ? " 
 suggested the Duke ; " he'll most likely have his price," 
 added he, thinking of Bowker and the thousand. 
 
 " We might try him," replied Mr. Jobson. 
 
 " You might ride over and sound him," said the Duke. 
 " Put it to his good feeling not to annoy parties who have 
 been so civil and condescending to him. Talk about the 
 bull I gave him, the dinners he's had here, the honours I've 
 conferred upon him. Tell him I hope he'll not give me 
 cause to suppose I have fostered a viper in my bosom." 
 
 " I will so, your Grace," replied Mr. Jobson. " I'll do all 
 I can." 
 
 " The sooner the better," observed the Duke. 
 
 " I'll go directly," said Mr. Jobson, preparing to mount. 
 
 " Tell him he's not fit for anything of the sort," said the 
 Duke, as Jobson mounted. 
 
 " I will, your Grace," replied the obsequious Jobson. 
 
 " You might try him with a deputy lieutenantcy, if you 
 can't get rid of him without," added the Duke, as Mr. 
 Jobson bowed and rode away.
 
 484 
 
 CHAPTER XLV. 
 
 ' Oh, monstrous beast ! how like a swine lie lies ! " 
 
 ?|IIIED with the exertions of a long day's canvass, 
 Mr. Jorrocks had seated himself in an easy 
 chair, to enjoy a bottle of strong military port, 
 of recent emancipation from the wood, when 
 Mr. Jobson's noisy peal at the bell threw him into alarm. 
 
 " Cuss them, 'ere's some more on 'em a comin'," exclaimed 
 he, bolting upright, half resolved not to be at home. 
 
 " Please, sir, here's Mr. Jobson, sir," said Benjamin, 
 opening the door. 
 
 " Mr. Jobson," repeated Mr. Jorrocks. " Mr. Jobson ! 
 That's the Duke of Donkeyton's farm gentleman ; show 
 him in, and bring candles wax un's, you know, Binjimin ; " 
 adding, with a shake of the head, " expensive work this 
 electioneerin'." 
 
 Mr. Jobson came bowing and groping his way into 
 the dining-room. 
 
 " 'Ow are you, my frind ? " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 rising and greeting him with a shake of the hand. " Allow 
 me to solicit the honour of your wote and interest ? " added 
 he, coming out with the usual form. 
 
 " I am afraid I can hardly give that," replied Mr. 
 Jobson, taking a proffered chair ; " I'm afraid I can 
 hardly do that not but that I'm quite independent, do 
 exactly as I like ; only from what I read of your address, 
 I fear your opinions and mine don't exactly tally." 
 
 " Humph" grunted Mr. Jorrocks. " Independence is 
 a werry fine thing to talk about ; but there's precious 
 little on't in the world. The only real independence I
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 485 
 
 knows on, is the independence of furnished lodgin's, thick 
 shoes, and a shootin' jacket." 
 
 Benjamin then entered with the candles. 
 
 " Take a glass o' wine," said Mr. Jorrocks, helping 
 himself, and pushing the bottle to Jobson. " There's sher 
 i' the sideboard, if you prefer it, to blackstrap." 
 
 Mr. Jobson preferred claret, if there was any out. 
 
 " Claret I never keeps," replied Mr. Jorrocks. " Can 
 soon make you some, though," added he, " with water and 
 winegar, and a little drop o' port." 
 
 Mr. Jobson then took port. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks drank Jobson's health, and Jobson drank 
 Mr. Jorrocks's. 
 
 " Fine stuff that," said Mr. Jorrocks, smacking his lips, 
 after the glass of hot, sweet, fruity wine. " And 'ow goes 
 on the farm ? " asked he. " 'Ope Mrs. Job and all the little 
 Job's are well ? " 
 
 " Quite well, I'm much obliged to you," replied Jobson. 
 
 " We'll drink Mrs. Jobson's 'ealth," observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 helping himself, and passing the bottle. 
 
 Mr. Jobson presently returned the compliment, and 
 proposed the health of Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 "We'll now drink the 'ealth of all the leetle Jobsons," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, in due time. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks afterwards proposed the health of " The 
 Queen and her stag'ounds," and then of " Prince Albert 
 and his beagles." The glasses being large, another or two 
 apiece finished the bottle. 
 
 " Port ! " said Mr. Jorrocks, as Benjamin answered the 
 bell. 
 
 " I've now got a toast to propose'," observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 as the wine came, and he held the decanter up to the candle, 
 to see that Benjamin had not done him out of any. " I've 
 now got a toast to propose," said he, " that I'm sure will 
 find its way to your 'eart, without any soft sawder from 
 me " (" Hear, hear," exclaimed Mr. Jobson). " It is," con-
 
 486 HILLIKGDON HALL. 
 
 tinned Mr. Jorrocks, " the 'ealth of one both near and dear 
 to me one wot occupies, wakiu' and sleepin', an unkimmon 
 portion o' my thoughts. Oh ! " continued he, aloud to him- 
 self, " the greatest pang wot I shall suffer in goin' hup to 
 Parliament will be the separation from that henergetic, that 
 hamiable quad I'll give you," said he, turning to Jobson, 
 " the 'ealth of my ball in a bam per ! " 
 
 " Nay, fill hup ! " said Mr. Jorrocks, as Jobson stopped 
 half way up his glass. "A bamper to the ball, whatever 
 you do ! " 
 
 Mr. Jobson then filled, and drank as desired. 
 
 "He's a fine animal," observed Jobson, as, with a wry 
 face, he set down his glass. 
 
 " He is that ! " replied Mr. Jorrocks, " a real fine animal." 
 
 " The Duke wouldn't have given him to anybody but 
 yourself," observed Jobson. 
 
 " Vot, he was particular fond on him, was he ? " asked 
 Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " No, but he had such a high opinion of you," observed 
 Mr. Jobson. 
 
 " Don't see why he should," muttered Mr. Jorrocks aloud 
 to himself, adding " We'll drink his Greece's 'ealth in a 
 bamper," filling his glass and passing the bottle. 
 
 " Nay ! no skylights ! " exclaimed he, as Jobson again 
 shirked filling. Jobson then did as desired. 
 
 " The mention o' that hinterestin', that hamiable hanimal," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, as Jobson again accomplished his 
 measure with a shrug, "reminds me of a most hamiable 
 young gen'lman after whom he is called ; one that I'm sure 
 will emulate his ball lordship in his honourable career, and 
 make their common name transcendently wictorious. I'll 
 give you the ' 'ealth of the Marquis o' Bray,' " added Mr. 
 Jorrocks, again filling a bumper. 
 
 " I suppose you mean transcendently victorious in the 
 coming contest," observed Mr. Jobson, who did not altogether 
 approve of the Marquis's career among the ladies ; particularly 
 about home. 
 
 " I means, celebrated distinguished," observed Mr. Jor- 
 rocks, tapping the decanter to draw Jobson's attention to
 
 IIILLINGDON HALL 487 
 
 his duties ; adding, " come, drink your young master in a 
 bam per." 
 
 Jobson did not like this description of their relative 
 positions ; but fearing Mr. Jorrocks might say something 
 more offensive, coolly submitted. 
 
 " Nay ; no 'eel-taps ! " exclaimed our friend, seeing Mr. 
 Jobson preparing to fill upon a half-emptied glass, adding 
 
 " This is liberty 'all, do as you will, 
 Fill wot you please, but drink wot you fill." 
 
 " But you won't let me do as I will," observed Jobson 
 tartly ; " you will make me fill bumpers." 
 
 " Bampers in course to toasts," observed Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 " arter we've done drinkin' toasts we shall come to the 
 sentiments, and then you can do as you like, you know." 
 
 " I wish we were at them," thought the refined claret- 
 drinking Jobson. 
 
 " In considerin' the toasts we've already drank," observed 
 Mr. Jorrocks after a pause, during which Jobson had been 
 arranging a plan of attack in his own mind, " I'm some- 
 what that's to say, a good deal flabbergasted to find that 
 we've altogether omitted the name of a lady wot ranks 
 werry 'igh in the peerage of the kingdom, and the estima- 
 tion of the county (hiccup). I'm cock sure I need say 
 nothin' to recommend that illustrious (hiccup) lady to your 
 consideration, because livin' under the family you'll know a 
 deal more about her nor me ; but I should be werry (hiccup) 
 sorry to have it (hiccup) said, that one of her servants and 
 I should 'ave passed a conwivial evening together, without 
 so much as drinkin' of her 'ealth ; I therefore beg to pro- 
 pose the ' 'ealth of the (hiccup) Duchess of Donkeyton in a 
 bamper.' " 
 
 " Oh dear," groaned Jobson, with throbbing temples, as 
 he shirked the filling. 
 
 " Now, we'll jest 'ave another bottle," observed Mr. Jor- 
 rocks, turning the bottom of that one into Jobson's glass, so 
 as to make him up a bumper, " and then we can drink good 
 evenin' in a glass of (hiccup) brandy and water or two," 
 added he, ringing the bell again.
 
 4 88 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " I'm afraid that will be trespassing too largely on your 
 time," observed Mr. Jobson. 
 
 " Time's of no importance with me," hiccuped Mr. Jor- 
 rocks, with an air of indifference. 
 
 "Indeed!" exclaimed Mr. Jobson; "then you've given 
 up the idea of standing for the county ? " 
 
 " I did not say that," replied Mr. Jorrocks. " I means 
 night-time's of no walue : can't canvass day and night too." 
 
 " I was in hopes, from the handsome manner in which 
 you have spoken of our people," observed Jobson, " that you 
 had given up the idea of opposing our friend the Marquis." 
 
 " No doubt," hiccuped Mr. Jorrocks ; " speak well o' 
 them wot uses one well." 
 
 " Undoubtedly," said Mr. Jobson ; " and use them well 
 too, I hope." 
 
 "To be sure," hiccuped Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Then you don't mean to oppose the Marquis ? " asked 
 Mr. Jobson. 
 
 " Not if the Markis '11 stand up for us poor farmers," 
 replied Mr. Jorrocks, helping himself out of the fresh bottle, 
 and passing it to Jobson, saying, " Let us drink prosperity 
 to hagricultur," adding, " it's like the hair we breathe if 
 we have it not we die." 
 
 Mr. Jobson took a little. 
 
 " Nay, a bamper to that at all ewents," hiccuped Mr. 
 Jorrocks. 
 
 "I thought you said I might fill as I liked to senti- 
 ments," observed Jobson. 
 
 " No doubt," hiccuped Mr. Jorrocks ; " but that ar'nt 
 no sintiment ! it's a toast nothin' but a toast ; so take a 
 bamper. Sintiments," hiccuped he, " have reference to the 
 ladies, sich as sweethearts and wives, honest men and bonnie 
 lasses, the fair o' Middlesex (hiccup), or summut o' that 
 sort." 
 
 " The Duke will take it seriously amiss, I'm afraid," 
 observed Mr. Jobson, " if you put the Marquis to the trouble 
 of a contest." 
 
 " Can't 'elp that," hiccuped Mr. Jorrocks. " If the Duke 
 has a mind to cut his own (hiccup) throat, can't afford to
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 489 
 
 let him (hiccup) cut mine too. 'Elp yourself, and we'll 
 drink his Greece's (hiccup) good 'ealth again," added Mr. 
 Jorrocks, setting the example by filling and passing the 
 bottle. " Bamper toast," hiccuped he. 
 
 Mr. Jobson eyed his glass as if it were poison. 
 
 " The Duke will think it very ungrateful, I'm afraid," 
 observed Jobson, raising the glass to his lips and setting it 
 down again. 
 
 " I don't see that," hiccuped Mr. Jorrocks, adding, " how- 
 somever drink your wine, and show your (hiccup) attach- 
 ment to him." 
 
 " He made you a magistrate," observed Mr. Jobson. 
 
 " He did so," replied Mr. Jorrocks, adding " Showed 
 his sense there ; for real, substantial (hiccup) jestice fifth 
 o' George the Fourth sort o' jestice no man can compete 
 with (hiccup) J. (hiccup) J. With your permission, I'll 
 give you a (hiccup) toast a bamper the last bamper I'll 
 (hiccup) call for. I'll give you ' The fifth o' (hiccup) George 
 the (hiccup) Fourth,' real (hiccup) palladium of our (hiccup) 
 rights. That (hiccup) Graham will play the (hiccup) deuce 
 with the (hiccup) fifth o' George the Fourth, if he won't let 
 us jestices do any more (hiccup) jestice at 'ome. Here's 
 1 The (hiccup) fifth o' (hiccup) George the Fourth,' " con- 
 cluded Mr. Jorrocks, filling a bumper and drinking it off. 
 
 " That's a sentiment, I presume," observed Jobson, filling 
 a very small quantity. 
 
 " (Hiccup) toast or (hiccup) sentiment, as you please," 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, seeing his friend's eyes looking very 
 
 " I suppose we shall be having the bull back," observed 
 Jobson, after a pause. 
 
 " What'n ball ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 "The bull the Duke gave you," replied Mr. Jobson. 
 " Of course you won't keep it if you oppose the Marquis." 
 
 " I don't see that at all," observed Mr. Jorrocks, cured 
 of his hiccup at the bare idea of losing his treasure. " I 
 don't see that at all," added he, looking at the decanter as 
 if he saw two. " If the ball," said he, looking very wise, 
 " was presented to me to buy me off-standin', it would be
 
 490 HILLIXGDON HALT. 
 
 another (hiccup) pair o' shoes altogether; but it was pre- 
 sented to me as a (hiccup) undeniable (hiccup) token of 
 undeniable esteem. With your (hiccup) permission," con- 
 tinued Mr. Jorrocks, " we'll drink (hiccup) his 'ealth, if you 
 please." 
 
 " We have drunk it already," observed Jobson, sick at 
 the thoughts of another drop. 
 
 " Never mind that," hiccuped Mr. Jorrocks ; " we 
 (hiccup) drank the Duke's health twice, and we'll drink the 
 (hiccup) Duke's (hiccup) ball's health twice too ; twice two's 
 four, and one's sivin," added he. " No man can say I'm 
 (hiccup) drank, I think." 
 
 "Then you don't mean to return the bull ? " observed 
 Mr. Jobson, speaking very thick, and pouring the wine 
 over the side of his glass. 
 
 "No!" roared Mr. Jorrocks, in a tone that startled 
 Jobson, adding " 'Ow can you ax sich a question ? I loves 
 that Markis-ball too well to part with him. It may be 
 wanity on my part, but I flatters my-(hiccup)-self his 
 (hiccup) lordship re-re-re-recip-recipro-reciprocates the 
 (hiccup) sentiment." 
 
 Mr. Jobson stared, and shortly after, in attempting to 
 reach a piece of biscuit, lost his balance and fell on the 
 floor. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks rang the bell. 
 
 " Tell that (hiccup) Pigg to carry this (hiccup) shockin' 
 drucken chap to (hiccup) bed," hiccuped Mr. Jorrocks ; 
 " and let him 'ave a (hiccup) glass o' (hiccup) sober-water, 
 and a (hiccup) red 'erring in the mornin'." 
 
 "Yes, sir," said Benjamin, eyeing Jobson's contortions 
 on the carpet. 
 
 "And 'ave (hiccup) Cobden ready for (hiccup) me at 
 half-past (hiccup) six," added Mr. Jorrocks, lurching off 
 to bed.
 
 CHAPTER XLVI. 
 
 " The farmers are with us to a man." LEAGUE LIE, No. 91. 
 
 HE bitter, angry personalities of the canvass 
 were at length stopped by the arrival of the 
 writ. 
 
 The Duke of Donkeyton, after resorting to 
 every expedient to get rid of our pertinacious friend, had at 
 length been compelled to let Jeems undergo the degradation 
 of a canvass, and the latter had endeavoured to counteract 
 the success of Mr. Jorrocks's early start by the splendour of 
 his retinue, the bounty of his expenditure, and the lavish- 
 ness of his promises. 
 
 Money flew in all directions. He would buy a parrot of 
 an old woman for twenty pounds whose husband was diffi- 
 cult to come over, or outbid Mr. Jorrocks's promised sub- 
 scription to races or hounds by offering to give a gold cup, 
 or to hunt the country himself. He would do anything ! 
 
 The country was in a complete ferment. The farmers 
 and landowners pulled well together, but the Duke's large 
 interest, backed by the Kadicals and part of the manu- 
 facturing interest, made it fearful odds against our commer- 
 cial Squire. 
 
 Mr. Smoothington fortunately made light of the matter, 
 and in his daily reports to the Castle, of the success of the 
 canvass, he repeatedly assured the Duke there was not the 
 shadow of a doubt of the Marquis's success. As the canvass 
 advanced he grew more confident ; said that he considered 
 the election as good as over that old Jorrocks would never 
 show at the hustings ; and when that assertion was contra- 
 dicted by one of our friend's facetious addresses, thanking
 
 492 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 the freeholders for their promises of support, and pledging 
 himself to go to a poll, Mr. Smoothington accompanied the 
 document by a return from the Marquis's canvass book, 
 showing a clear majority of three hundred. 
 
 Our friend, on the other hand, had bet as many as 
 seventy hats that he would win. The accuracy of their 
 respective opinions was now about to be put to the test. 
 
 On the nomination day the whole country was in com- 
 motion. It rose to a man. It was a time of year when 
 farmers have a little leisure after harvesting, and the fine- 
 ness of the later autumn tempted the denizens of the 
 manufacturing towns to indulge in a holiday on so exciting 
 an occasion. A sharpish frost in the night loosened the 
 fading leaves, leaving them ready to fall at the least breath 
 of wind. Down they dropped, one after another, twirling 
 round and round as they fell leisurely to the ground. 
 
 At an early hour in the morning of the nomination day, 
 the tide of population began to flow into Sellborough. Not 
 a chaise, not a gig, not a car, not a van, not a horse in the 
 country but what was put in requisition. Farmers' nags 
 stood three in a stall. The nomination was fixed for twelve 
 o'clock, and before that hour the respective candidates had 
 entered the town from different sides, escorted by their 
 friends, and preceded by bands and banners. The Marquis's 
 set-out was most splendid. All the flags from the district 
 committees at the different towns and villages were gathered 
 together, forming a perfect forest of silk and gold, which 
 were stationed before and after the barouche and six in 
 which his lordship rode. His colours were pea-green and 
 yellow, the rosettes and favours being composed of gold 
 tinsel instead of yellow silk. 
 
 He was accompanied by Mr. Smoothington and his pro- 
 poser and seconder, Captain Bluster and Mr. Prosey Slooman. 
 The latter had made an unsuccessful attempt to grow whiskers 
 under his chin. Captain Bluster's bristled most importantly 
 red. He had been a protectionist, but the judicious repre- 
 sentation by Mr. Jobson of what the Duke had said about 
 his being a " a good fellow and a gentleman," had driven 
 him the other way. Bluster was now a red-hot Leaguer
 
 HILLINGDOX HALL. 493 
 
 far hotter than his Grace ; who, indeed, was anything but a 
 Leaguer at heart. Mr. Jobson headed the tenantry on 
 horseback; who, with slouched hats and downcast looks, 
 followed the carriage, looking uncommonly sulky. Mrs. 
 Jobson, in a flaming clarence drawn by a pair of the Duke's 
 blood bays, dressed in a beautifully made pea-green pelisse, 
 with a yellow velvet bonnet and a green feather, and a 
 twenty guineas point-lace veil, chaperoned a bevy of country 
 belles ; while the Duchess's pretty little French maid 
 escorted a troop of the household dolly- mops in the break. 
 
 Altogether it was a splendid procession. The Marquis's 
 colours waved from the balconies, windows, and shops, and 
 appeared on the breasts or the bonnets of the fair occupants ; 
 while beards or whiskers on the chin denoted that the few 
 men who appeared without cockades were for the young 
 duke, as they called the Marquis. 
 
 Twenty-three young ladies were regularly annihilated by 
 the captivating smiles and bows of the Marquis as he passed 
 slowly through the streets, each fair recipient thinking the 
 smile she got was the sweetest. That old Jorrocks had no 
 chance, was the firm conviction of every one who saw the 
 splendid cavalcade pass along. 
 
 Mr. Smoothington smirked, and chuckled, and rubbed 
 his hands over and over, at the thoughts of the drubbing 
 they would give him. 
 
 " The county will be ours for ever and a day," exclaimed 
 he to the Marquis, as they passed under the old archway 
 leading into the market-place. 
 
 As they entered the spacious arena, tremendous applause 
 rent the air from the front of the spacious hustings on the 
 far side, before which a whole army of drab-coated horsemen 
 were assembled, with some half-dozen bunting and glazed 
 calico flags in the centre. 
 
 It was Mr. Jorrocks, alighting from his fire-engine, in 
 which he had driven from the house of his proposer, Mr. 
 Hamilton Dobbin, who had been wicked enough to break 
 away from the Duke's ranks, in spite of the dinner he 
 had eaten. 
 
 " Now, another shout for t'ard Squire ! " exclaimed Pigg,
 
 494 HILLINGDOff HALL. 
 
 waving the only silk flag they sported, and who acted as 
 fugleman to the party. " Now another ! " repeated he, as 
 Mr. Jorrocks advanced to the candidate's place in front of 
 the hustings. 
 
 " Hurrah ! Hurrah ! Hurrah ! " shouted the drab coats. 
 
 Mr. Smoothington's countenance fell as he surveyed the 
 dense mass. 
 
 "Now three for Squire Dobbin!" exclaimed Pigg, as 
 Mr. Jorrocks's head left off acknowledging the compliment 
 they had paid him. 
 
 Three cheers were then given for Mr. Jorrocks's proposer. 
 
 " Now three for ard 'Tail ! " roared Pigg, flourishing his 
 flag with " JORROCKS, THE FARMER'S FRIEND!" upon it. 
 Three hearty cheers followed for Mr. Heavytail, who had 
 been chosen by the farmers to second the nomination. 
 
 The farmers then bustled away to put up their horses, 
 and get back to secure places in front of the hustings. Mr. 
 Jorrocks availed himself of the opportunity to pull his wig 
 straight, and adjust a large bunch of wheat-ears he had 
 stuck in the Jorrockian jacket button-hole (as emblematical 
 of his creed), and which had got rather deranged in his 
 passage through the crowd from the fire-engine on to the 
 hustings. 
 
 He then conned over his speech. 
 
 The Marquis having arrived at the " Duke's Head," where 
 his central committee sat (at least sat towards dinner-time, 
 when they liberally dispensed champagne and everything 
 expensive) ; the Marquis, we say, having arrived at the 
 " Duke's Head," alighted, to add the committee as a tail to 
 the head he had brought with him, and having called for a 
 glass of hock and soda-water, his example was followed by 
 those who durst trust their stomachs with such flatulent 
 compounds. Bluster had a glass of brandy. 
 
 The party being formed, the Marquis set off for the 
 hustings, walking between his proposer and seconder amid 
 deafening shouts of applause from the dense crowd through 
 which they passed.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 495 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks rose to receive his quondam farmer friend, 
 as the Marquis made his appearance at the back of the 
 hustings ; his lordship's dandified garb contrasting strangely 
 with our friend's uncouth attire. 
 
 " Well, old boy ! " said the Marquis gaily, extending his 
 hand to Mr. Jorrocks, " so you won't be satisfied without a 
 beating ! " 
 
 " I'm not sich a glutton as all that," replied our friend. 
 " Suppose I give you one instead." 
 
 " Will you, indeed ! " exclaimed the Marquis. 
 
 "I'll bet you a 'at I do," replied Mr. Jorrocks, looking 
 very confident. 
 
 The High Sheriffs appearance at the back of the hustings 
 put an end to the dialogue, and that functionary, advancing 
 to the front, divided the belligerents. 
 
 Silence was then called for, and at length obtained from 
 the sea of heads in front and the crowd upon the hustings. 
 It was broken occasionally by an observation from Pigg, 
 who, having availed himself of the opportunity afforded by 
 the farmers putting up their horses, to get a few glasses of 
 rum, had now returned with his flag, loquaciously drunk. 
 Johnny Wopstraw, Willey Goodheart, and a few more of 
 Mr. Jorrocks's tenants, clustered round the gaunt fugleman, 
 whose tobacco-streaming mouth was conspicuous above the 
 crowd. 
 
 The High Sheriff came forward, and, after observing that 
 he had called them together in obedience to Her Majesty's 
 writ, in order that they might choose a fit and proper repre- 
 sentative to supply the vacancy caused by the lamented 
 death of Mr. Guzzlegoose, begged that they would give to 
 every gentleman, however they might differ from him in 
 political opinion, a fair, impartial, and uninterrupted hearing ; 
 and concluded by calling upon any gentleman who had a 
 candidate to propose to come forward and do so. 
 
 Captain Bluster then presented himself to the notice of the 
 meeting. After looking angrily towards James Pigg, who 
 saluted him with a cry of " Now, Ginger toppin ! " as he 
 took off his hat, the Captain commenced by saying, that 
 unless he had seen it with his own eyes, he could not have
 
 496 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 believed that an almost total stranger to the county could 
 have had the vanity to conceive himself the fittest champion 
 of its battles, and he certainly did not think Mr. Jorrocks 
 was likely to add much to his character by his appearance 
 in opposition to the popular son of the most popular parents 
 under the sun (loud cheers from the whiskerites, and roars 
 of laughter from the drab coats). 
 
 For his part, he thought Mr. Jorrocks was the last man 
 who ought to have thought of filling such a position he 
 who had received the lavished honours and favour of the 
 parent ought never to appear in opposition to the son (re- 
 newed cheers, mingled with hisses). He who had feasted 
 at Donkeyton Castle eating the Duke's venison and drink- 
 ing his wine, might surely make some better return than 
 attempting to defraud the Duke's son of his birthright. 
 (Renewed applause, with increasing disapprobation.) 
 
 The Captain then referred to a card which he carried in 
 the palm of his hand for " the word," and again went on. 
 
 He had the honour of proposing a candidate to fill the 
 vacancy in the representation occasioned by the lamented 
 death of Mr. G-uzzlegoose, and he would not pay the valued 
 friend he was about to put in nomination so poor a compli- 
 ment as to say, that he challenged comparison with the 
 competitor opposed to him (Captain Bluster looking at Mr. 
 Jorrocks as if that gentleman would make him sick) ; but 
 he would fearlessly assert that, look where they would, north, 
 south, east, or west, they could not lay their hands on a 
 gentleman more pre-eminently qualified than his much- 
 beloved and highly-exalted friend (cheers and great uproar, 
 mingled with cries of ' Where's Big- loaf Bowker ? ' from the 
 drab coats). That friend was the nobleman now standing 
 on his right one whose every interest was identified with 
 theirs whose vast possessions must suffer if their interests 
 were injured, and who had, therefore, every reason for advo- 
 cating such measures as would best promote their common 
 prosperity." 
 
 " Weal done, ard Ginger toppin ! " exclaimed Pigg, 
 flourishing his flag amid roars of laughter. 
 
 " I see," said Captain Bluster, eyeing the inscription on
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 497 
 
 it, " Jorrocks, tlae farmer's friend, painted on that flag," 
 pointing towards where Pigg stood, with his tobacco- stained 
 mouth gaping wide open to catch every word the Captain 
 said. " I see," repeated he, " Jorrocks, the farmer's friend, 
 painted on that flag." 
 
 " It's not painted it's geelt ! " exclaimed Pigg, giving it 
 another flourish, amid great shouting. 
 
 " I see," said Captain Bluster, for the third time, " Jor- 
 rocks, the farmer's friend, in gilt letters on that flag." 
 
 " Ay, that's it ! " roared Pigg, jealous of the honour of 
 his banner. 
 
 " But will any man tell me," continued Captain Bluster, 
 " that my noble friend is not as much the farmer's friend as 
 this self-elected champion, John Jorrocks ? Who, let me 
 ask, is Mr. Jorrocks, that he should all at once set up as the 
 champion of the farmers' interests ? What has he done to 
 forward agriculture ? Has he, like my noble friend, the 
 Duke of Donkeyton, a model farm, on which every new 
 machine is exhibited, every new experiment tried ? where 
 every species of manure Hunt's bone dust Hunt's half 
 inch soap ashes rape cake rags new Bristol manure 
 Chie fou guano nitrate of soda " 
 
 " Hoot ye and your nitrate, o' sober ! " roared Pigg ; 
 " MUCK'S YOUR MAN ! " an exclamation that caused such an 
 outburst of laughter as completely to put the Captain out. 
 
 The Under Sheriff pointing Pigg out, desired the man 
 with the dirty mouth, and " Jorrocks for ever " round his 
 hat, to hold his tongue, or he would order him into custody. 
 
 Captain Bluster, after a long pause, again resumed 
 
 Not only was his dear and noble friend, the Duke of 
 Donkeyton, an active promoter of agricultural improvement, 
 but the noble lord beside him a worthy son of a worthy 
 sire trod in the footsteps of his Grace. The Marquis of 
 Bray was well known to scientific farmers as the inventor of 
 a valuable an unequalled draining-tile. 
 
 " Never sich a thing ! " exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks ; " I 
 inwented it ! " 
 
 The Sheriff called Mr. Jorrocks to order. 
 
 Captain Bluster repeated what he said : he had it on 
 
 2 I
 
 49 8 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 the authority of a gentleman behind him (Joshua Sneak- 
 ington), that the Marquis of Bray had invented a most 
 valuable a most durable draining-tile ; and yet, not content 
 with attempting to defraud the noble Marquis of what he 
 (Captain Bluster) designated his birthright the representa- 
 tion of the county, this farmer's champion, because the 
 noble lord had proclaimed the discovery at his (Mr. Jor- 
 rocks's) house, now wanted to filch the Marquis of his 
 draining-tile too. (Great uproar, mingled with hisses, and 
 cries of " Oh, you horrid old cheat ! Oh, you shocking bad 
 man ! " and other symptoms of disapprobation from the 
 whiskerites.) 
 
 " THAT'S A LEE ! " roared Pigg, who immediately ducked 
 under. 
 
 He (Captain Bluster) felt satisfied the county would visit 
 such conduct with the punishment it deserved, and with 
 that firm conviction he felt equal pride and pleasure in 
 proposing to the electors, as a fit and proper knight to 
 represent their interests in Parliament, James Frederick 
 Charles Fox Plantagenet Eussell Bolinbroke Bray, com- 
 monly called the Marquis of Bray, of Donkeyton Castle. 
 
 Mr. Prosey Slooman came forward to second the nomina- 
 tion, with an uncommonly lengthy, well-rounded speech in 
 his pocket ; but unfortunately, when it came to the point, 
 he had studied it so much that he could not let it off; so, 
 after gaping a few seconds at the crowd, he simply seconded 
 the nomination, leaving much good abuse of Mr. Jorrocks 
 unsaid. 
 
 It was now the turn of the gentlemen at the other end 
 of the hustings, and, accordingly, Mr. Hamilton Dobbin 
 presented himself to the meeting, and was received with 
 cheers from the drab coats, and hisses from the whisker-on- 
 chin-ites. 
 
 He commenced by saying that he should occupy a very 
 brief portion of their time in proposing the gentleman who 
 had been unanimously adopted by the party he belonged to, 
 to fight the battle of their interests ; because, while he felt 
 his own incompetence to go fully into the question that 
 now agitated their attention, he had every belief that the
 
 HILLIXGDON HALL. 499 
 
 candidate he had to propose was quite able to do so ; he 
 therefore felt great satisfaction in leaving the arguments in 
 the hands of his esteemed friend Mr. Jorrocks, whom he 
 begged to recommend as a fit and proper knight to represent 
 their interests in Parliament. 
 
 The nomination was received with great applause from 
 the farmers, and hisses from the whiskerites. 
 
 Mr. Heavytail then raised his voice to its utmost pitch, 
 and spoke in such a tone as to be clearly audible to several 
 ladies and gentlemen on the church tower across the 
 market-place. 
 
 " GENTLEMEN," said he, " IF YOU WANT TO CUT YOUR OWN 
 
 THROATS, YOU'LL VOTE FOR BRAY ; IF YOU WANT TO LIVE AND 
 
 LET LIVE, YOU'LL VOTE FOR OUR SQUIRE (great applause from 
 the drab coats). I SECOND OUR SQUIRE ! " 
 
 The High Sheriff then inquired if any other gentleman 
 had a candidate to propose, and being answered by a volley 
 of negatives, he called on the Marquis of Bray to address 
 the meeting. 
 
 In compliance with the High- Sheriff's requisition, his 
 Lordship then uncovered his well-waxed ringlets, and 
 throwing back his silk-lined blue dress-coat, bowed, and 
 placed his primrose-coloured kid-gloved right hand upon 
 his heart, in return for the deafening huzzas and waving of 
 handkerchiefs, ribbons, and hats, that greeted his appearance. 
 
 " Ladies and gentlemen," said he, when the applause had 
 somewhat subsided ; " ladies and gentlemen," repeated he, 
 looking sweet at Mrs. Jobson and party, who were drawn up 
 a little on the left, " permit me, in the first place, to return 
 my most heartfelt and cordial thanks for the kind, the 
 flattering reception you honoured me with on my arrival 
 this day ; a reception so cheering, so enthusiastic and ex- 
 hilarating, that we cannot but admire the indomitable 
 courage of my farmer friend on the left the god of corn, as 
 his followers call him " the Marquis looking at our rosy- 
 gilled friend, with his bunch of wheat-ears under his nose ; 
 "we cannot, I say, but admire his indomitable courage in 
 coming here to receive the hearty drubbing his temerity is 
 certain to ensure him."
 
 500 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 
 
 " Are you a goin' to bet me that 'at we talked about ? " 
 inquired Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " For," continued the Marquis, without noticing the in- 
 terruption, "when I look at the splendid array of beauty 
 an array that I firmly believe no town of this size ever 
 before contained; when I reflect that those bright eyes and 
 sweet looks respond to sympathising hearts arrayed in the 
 cause of the poor man's home, whose interest I stand here 
 to advocate, I say it is morally impossible to doubt, for one 
 moment, what will be the issue of this great and virtuous 
 contest ; a contest in which the legitimate laws of nature 
 are ranged against unnatural monopoly and close-fisted 
 selfishness ! " (Great applause, and renewed fluttering of 
 handkerchiefs, flags, and ribbons.) " But, ladies and gentle- 
 men," continued his lordship, " let me not be led away by 
 those enchanting smiles, and those applauding cheers, from 
 the important duty that has brought us together this day ; 
 and first, let me return my most cordial thanks to my 
 proposer and seconder, for the kind and flattering terms in 
 which they introduced me to your notice; terms that I 
 cannot but feel are infinitely superior to any humble merits 
 of mine, but which will stimulate me to such acts as will 
 render me worthy of your approbation." (Renewed applause, 
 and waving of handkerchiefs.) 
 
 " Gentlemen," continued the Marquis, addressing himself 
 to the male sex alone, " you are met here this day, as our 
 worthy High Sheriff has told you, to exercise one of the 
 most important privileges of life that of choosing a repre- 
 sentative of your opinions in the House of Conimons ; and 
 in proportion to the magnitude of the occasion ought to be 
 the vigilance and circumspection of your conduct in the 
 exercise of so sacred a trust. (Great applause.) It may 
 appear almost superfluous in one, born and bred among 
 you, whose ancestors have ever been conspicuous in the 
 cause of legitimate improvement and good government, 
 to enter into any lengthened explanation of his political 
 opinions." 
 
 " Quite superfluous ! quite superfluous ! " exclaimed Mr. 
 Smoothington.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 501 
 
 " Quite superfluous ! quite superfluous ! " repeated Joshua 
 Sneakington, and several others behind. 
 
 " My political opinions," continued the Marquis, " are 
 the political opinions that in bygone days were wont to 
 secure the confidence of the freeholders in those who have 
 gone before me opinions from which no member of my 
 family has ever swerved, and which I trust confidently 
 trust will secure me the honour of your support." (Great 
 cheering.) 
 
 " True it is," continued his lordship, " that the god of 
 corn," turning towards Mr. Jorrocks, " impelled by the fear 
 of alarmists, and perhaps the mischief of the frolicsome, has 
 decked himself out in wheat-ears and poppies." 
 
 " There ar'nt no poppies in the case ! " exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, adjusting his bouquet, adding aloud to himself 
 " who ever see'd poppies at this time of year ? " 
 
 "Has decked himself out in wheat-ears," bowed the 
 Marquis, " and stands forward as the farmers' friend ; but 
 who, gentlemen, I ask you, is more likely to be truly and 
 sincerely the farmers' friend than the humble individual now 
 addressing you, and whose every interest is identified with 
 agriculture whose best hopes are centred in the soil 
 (tremendous applause). Agriculture, gentlemen, is a pur- 
 suit that has been fostered and encouraged by the greatest 
 men, by all whom the page of history records as famous in 
 the annals of countries (great applause). The greatest 
 statesmen, the greatest scholars, the greatest generals have 
 each found, in turning from their schemes of government, 
 their studies, or the toil of warfare, solace and enjoyment in 
 the harmless simplicity and the interesting relaxation it 
 affords (renewed applause). Every man whose opinion is 
 valuable every man whose breast glows with a genuine 
 feeling of patriotism, joins in testifying the importance of 
 agriculture." Immense applause, followed by Mr. Wopstraw 
 drawling out 
 
 " Upon the who-o-le, I think I've heard that before." 
 
 This rather put the Marquis out, and in the hubbub that 
 ensued he got time to collect himself and turn on another 
 tack.
 
 502 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 " Gentlemen," said he, " the only point of difference, as ^ 
 you are perhaps aware, between my honourable competitor o 
 and myself is that of corn. On all other questions I believe 3 
 our opinions coincide, and, but for this solitary question, ^ 
 the god of corn would have followed our banner, with most ^o 
 likely the majority of his supporters. Far be it from me, ^3 
 gentlemen, to treat with levity the honest, conscientious vl 
 fears and opinions of any class of men, unfounded and 3 
 groundless though I believe them to be. Eecall to your 3 
 recollection, gentlemen, the panic that prevailed on the ^? 
 importation of foreign cattle ! see how visionary were your ^ 
 views and conjectures then ! The same, I venture to pre- ^ 
 diet, will be the case with the importation of foreign corn. 5 
 It will come in ; your fears will pass away, or will only be ^" 
 remembered as matter of surprise surprise that you could 
 so blindly have stood in the way of your own interest." 
 (Loud applause from the whisker-chinites, and cries of " No, 
 no," from the drab coats.) 
 
 " Upon the who-o-le, the climate's against us," drawled 
 Wopstraw. 
 
 " The farmers are not the only parties called upon to 
 make a sacrifice," continued the Marquis, " if any sacrifice 
 there is to be. Every article of consumption, every article 
 of wear the hat on your head the shoe on your foot 
 will come down in price, and all things accommodate them- 
 selves to the new era (loud applause). If farmers yield the 
 trifling duty on corn, a duty that many of the most intelli- 
 gent of their body consider is no protection whatever, they, 
 in their turn, will have the duty taken off seeds, and they 
 will get their canary-seed, their aniseed, their grass-seed, 
 their mustard-seed, their parsley-seed, and my friend the 
 god of corn will even get his poppy-seed duty free (great 
 laughter and applause). So the housekeeper will get her 
 spices her cloves, her ginger, her mace, her nutmegs, her 
 cinnamon, and her pepper. And you, my fair friends," con- 
 tinued the Marquis, addressing himself to the ladies, " you 
 will get your ermine, your chinchilla, your swanskins without 
 a tax. Silks, velvets, and sarcenets will come in at con- 
 tinental prices ; and gauzes, tulles, crapes, and lawns no
 
 IIILLTXGDON HALL. 503 
 
 longer continue matters of luxury " (great applause and 
 waving of handkerchiefs). " All things," continued the 
 Marquis, "will be placed upon a new footing, and the 
 dawn of that young and stirring mind which so engages 
 the attention of the public will burst upon the astonished 
 world in all the splendour of meridian day (immense 
 applause). But beyond far beyond all these considera- 
 tions will be the feeling of patriotism the act will engender. 
 You will be the poor man's friend you will invest the 
 poor man's home with plenty you will bring joy and 
 gladness to his humble hearth you will convert the squalid 
 victims of penurious fare into stalwart sons of Albion's isle, 
 and cause the 
 
 ' Happy tenant of a humble shed, 
 To smile at the storm that whistles o'er his head.'" 
 
 His lordship concluded amidst the most uproarious demon- 
 strations of applause. 
 
 When they had subsided, a loud cry was raised for 
 Mr. Jorrocks, who, on hearing the Marquis break off about 
 the greatest statesmen, the greatest generals, and so on, 
 had availed himself of the opportunity for retiring to the 
 back of the hustings to drink a glass of brandy-and-water, 
 and he had now got blocked out. Mr. Heavytail having 
 made way for him, our friend at length showed at the front, 
 and was greeted with loud cheers from his own supporters, 
 and the most discordant yells and hisses from the Marquis's 
 party. Silence being at length restored, he essayed to 
 proceed. 
 
 " Gen'lmen," said he, looking very indignantly at a knot 
 of hissers who still kept interrupting ; " gen'lmen," said he, 
 " afore I opens my private account with you, I wish to make 
 a few obserwations on a few of the obserwations that have 
 been made upon me. I doosn't like Captain Bluster's 
 speech ; he had no business to speak o' me in the way 
 he did. He looked at me, too, jest as if I was a bag 
 o' guano. It wasn't the ticket at all. I'm sure when we've 
 had anything to transact together, any fifth o' George the 
 Fourth, or anything of that sort, he's always found me quite
 
 504 HILLINGDCMST HALL 
 
 agreeable quite the lady, and I don't think he had any 
 business to ax in sich a himperent tone who I was. I 
 pays every man twenty shillins in the pund, and I never 
 heard no one's respectability doubted wot did that (applause). 
 I've been brought here at a great personal sacrifice, both 
 of cash and comfort, to fight the battle of the farmers and 
 fight it I will." 
 
 " That's reet, ard 'un ! " exclaimed Pigg j adding, " Three 
 cheers for t'ard Squire ! " 
 
 Three tremendous huzzas followed. When they were 
 done, the Marquis's party gave three cheers for the Mar- 
 quis. 
 
 "I've been brought here," continued Mr. Jorrocks, "by 
 a great lot o' farmers ; they came and 'unted me out at 
 my 'ouse at 'ome, and would have me. That shows the 
 hopinion they 'ave of me. I never axed to be made Par- 
 liament man of. The farmers came and said that they 
 were like to be beggared, and axed if I would stand quietly 
 by and see 'em ? (Loud applause.) I said, the farmers and 
 I rowed in the same boat that wot was bad for them would 
 be bad for me, and wice wersa (cheers). The Captain talked 
 as if the guano and nitrate o' sober dodge was all the Duke's ; 
 but I appeals to those around me, if guano, nitrate o' sober, 
 or any of them hartificial compounds 'ave a more hardent 
 a more enthusiastic supporter nor myself ! " 
 
 " Upon the who-o-o-le, I should say not," drawled Johnny 
 Wopstraw. 
 
 " MUCK'S YOUR MAN ! " roared Pigg. 
 
 " Nay, more," continued Mr. Jorrocks, " I did wot the 
 Duke never did I inwented a machine of a most wonderful 
 capacity. A machine that I really dirsn't set a goin' for 
 fear it should swamp field labour altogether. I mentions 
 that to show that I'm a practical farmer and a friend to 
 the poor. My friend the Markis," continued Mr. Jorrocks, 
 " has made you a werry beautiful hoily oration one wot 
 called forth the applause both of pit and boxes," Mr. Jorrocks 
 looking towards the carriages and balcony in which the 
 ladies were ranged. " It's the privilege of young gen'lmen 
 in ringlets and primrose-coloured gloves to obtain the
 
 HILLIKGDOK HALL. 505 
 
 plaudits o' the fair sex fine flowery language is sure to 
 find customers with them. Now, I may fearlessly say that 
 the ladies haven't a more hardent admirer nor I am ; but 
 gen'lmen like myself, of maturer years, must rest our claims 
 to public favour upon the broader and better basis of sound 
 sense rather than of heloquence." (Laughter, hisses, and 
 applause, above which Pigg's " Gan it, ard 'un ! Jorrocks 
 for ever ! " rose conspicuous.) 
 
 " My noble friend for friend I must still call him, for 
 he gave me the most unimpeachable bull wotever adorned 
 ring and chain my noble friend, I say, in the plenitude 
 of his humour, has christened me the god o' corn ; but I 
 will tell my noble friend that hargument is as far above 
 heloquence as corn is afore flowers (cheers). We can do 
 werry well without flowers, but corn we must 'ave. It 
 sounds werry well talking about bein' the poor man's friend, 
 but I say he is the best poor man's friend wot gives him a 
 good day's pay for a good day's work (applause). Vot signi- 
 fies it to the poor man gettin' a heightpenny loaf for fourpence 
 if he has not fourpence to buy it with ? " (Renewed applause.) 
 
 " Gan it, ard 'un ! " exclaimed Pigg ; adding, with a grin 
 and shake of his head, " a sink, but he's a good 'un to jaw ! " 
 
 " Then I would like to ax my noble friend," continued 
 Mr. Jorrocks, " 'ow he thinks to improve the breed o' the 
 'uman race, if he makes us poor farmers lay our land down 
 to grass or pine-apples, throwin' the corn-trade into the 
 hands of mouncheer, and drivin' the chaws into mills and 
 print-works. Wot 'un a man, for instance, would Mr. 
 'Eavytail 'ave been," asked Mr. Jorrocks, patting Mr. 
 Heavytail's broad back as the latter stood beside him, " wot 
 'un a man would Mr. 'Eavytail ha' been if he'd been brought 
 up a shuttle-weaver ? " (Loud applause.) 
 
 " I am old enough, gen'lmen, to remember the time," 
 continued Mr. Jorrocks, "when that great man, Napoleon 
 Bonaparte a man whose werry name worked one wuss nor 
 a whole box o' Morrison's pills I'm old enough, I say, 
 gen'lmen, to remember the time when that great man, in 
 the plenitude of his imperence, climbed up the column on 
 Boulogne 'eights, and shakin' his mawley at England, swore
 
 506 HILLTXGDON HALL. 
 
 he'd pitch into her like twenty thousand bricks." (Eoars 
 of laughter and applause, Mr. Jorrocks suiting the action to 
 the word, and menacing the crowd with his fist.) 
 
 " Then, gen'lmen," continued he, " my frind Good'eart 
 and my frind Wopstraw John Jorrocks himself all the 
 true and undeniable tramps rose to a man, and swore 
 we'd be Uank'd if he should ! " 
 
 Roars of laughter and applause followed this delicate an- 
 nouncement, which were again roused by Johnny Wopstraw 
 drawling out, " Upon the wh-o-o-le, I wasn't a soldier ! " 
 
 " Who knows," continued Mr. Jorrocks, without noticing 
 the observation, " who knows but the Prince de Johnville 
 or Prince de Tomville, or whatever they call the chap, may 
 brew up another storm, and in the row and racket that 
 ensues, who knows but another Napoleon le grand may turn 
 to the top, who'll swear that we shalln't 'ave another grain 
 o' corn from the Continent ? Then, gen'lmen, if you've laid 
 your land down to grass, and turned your stout yeomanry 
 into stockin' makers, who's to supply us with bread ? and 
 where are you to find Good'earts to wop Johnny Crapaud ? 
 (Thunders of applause, lasting for some seconds.) 
 
 " Wot consolation will it be to the starvin' population for 
 frind John Bright to point to his many-windowed ware'ouse, 
 and say, ' Oh, never mind, my 'earties ! that's chock-full o' 
 calico at a penny a yard ' ? " (Renewed applause.) 
 
 " Gen'lmen, I can't eat calico," observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 with uplifted hands, amidst the most outrageous laughter. 
 
 " Nor I nouther ! " roared Pigg, stuffing a fresh quid 
 into his mouth. 
 
 " Gen'lmen," continued Mr. Jorrocks, " cheap bread's a 
 capital cry, but wot's the use o' cheap bread to the poor 
 man, if he harn't got no money to buy it with ? " (Great 
 applause, with cries of " That's the rub ! " " Go it, Jorrocks ! " 
 " Now another ! ") 
 
 " Bambazeens and sarc'nets, wot the Markis promises so 
 cheap, will not compensate for the want o' wittles ! ' You 
 take my life when you take the means whereby I lives,' 
 observes Hudibras, or some other gen'lman ; and you'll 
 destroy the 'usbandman if you annihilate hagriculture.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 507 
 
 " My noble frind talked about the legitimate laws o j 
 natur' and close-fisted somethin'," observed Mr. Jorrocks. 
 " I'm more a fifth o' George the Fourth than a law o' natur' 
 man, but it strikes me if the manufacturers want to try a 
 new system, they should pay the National Debt off, and let's 
 all start fair, as the parson said to the Cornish wreckers as 
 he stole down from the pulpit. 
 
 " I think, gen'lmen," continued Mr. Jorrocks, after a 
 pause, " that's about all I've got to say to you. It's for 
 you to say whether you prefer the luxtery o' cheap bam- 
 bazeen and carraway-seeds for nothin', or the old English 
 beef and barley loaves of our forefathers. It's true the 
 Markis has some werry pretty gals on his side ; howsom- 
 ever, it's fortinate they haven't got no wotes, otherwise they'd 
 a been sure to have been given in the 'aberdashery line. 
 As it is, we'll have a fair stand-hup fight for it ; and as the 
 great Tom Spring would say, 
 
 ' May the best man vin ! ' " 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks concluded an animated address by throwing 
 up his hat amid very general applause. 
 
 An artisan, in his working dress, with a leather apron 
 tucked round his waist, and a faded green neckcloth about 
 his neck (an active member of the Sellborough Anti-Corn- 
 Law League), here climbed on to the hustings, and inti- 
 mated that he wanted to ask Mr. Jorrocks a few questions. 
 
 " Questins ! " exclaimed our Squire, eyeing him with 
 surprise. " Questins ! I don't think," added he, pulling 
 out his watch and looking at it ; "I don't think I'm a goin' 
 to answer no questing." 
 
 " Not answer any ! " repeated the man with surprise. 
 
 " No," replied Mr. Jorrocks ; adding, " I've got a Mus- 
 covey duck for dinner, and I'm afeard it'll be overdone." 
 
 " Well," observed the man in astonishment, " I certainly 
 sballn't vote for you ! " 
 
 " P'raps you wouldn't ha' done that anyhow," replied our 
 Squire. 
 
 " Upon the wh-o-o-le, he hasn't got a vote," observed 
 Wopstraw.
 
 5o3 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 " Ye come down there ! " cried Pigg, giving the fellow 
 a thump on the head with his flagstaff; adding, "de ye 
 think a Parliament man has nought to de but talk to such 
 rubbish as ye ? Grou whiskers on your chin like Ginger 
 toppin' yonder, if ye maun make yersel conspikious." 
 
 The High Sheriff then called for a show of hands. A 
 forest of them was immediately held up for the Marquis, 
 amid thunders of applause, waving of handkerchiefs, and 
 rolling of drums. The Sheriff then called upon those who 
 were for Mr. Jorrocks to hold up theirs. 
 
 A very small number appeared in comparison to what 
 were held up for the Marquis ; and after the roars of 
 applause the triumph produced had subsided, the Sheriff 
 declared the show to have fallen in favour of his lordship. 
 
 " AR DEMAND A POLL ! " roared Heavy tail, with such a 
 thump of the fist on the hustings as would have felled
 
 ( 59 ) 
 
 CHAPTER XLVII. 
 
 " For whom do you poll ? " 
 
 |[N less than an hour the late densely-crowded town 
 was occupied only by its own inhabitants, and 
 the few drunken topers who filled the public- 
 houses men who, at election times, drank from 
 week's end to week's end. The Marquis set off in great 
 glee to Donkeyton Castle, accompanied by the party who 
 attended him in the morning, to tell the victory of the day : 
 and the farmers quietly got their horses, and wended their 
 way home by twos or by threes, as occasion suited. 
 
 " Upon the who-o-ole I think the Marquis 11 be hard to 
 beat," observed Wopstraw, as he mounted his mealy-muzzled 
 bay. 
 
 " We mun never despair ! " replied Willey Goodheart. 
 " I always said in Boney's time, it's never no use being 
 afraid. I really believe, if the French had thought we were 
 frightened, they'd have come over and ate us all up ; terrible 
 people for eatin', they say." 
 
 "We must stir ourselves to a man," said John Brick, 
 clattering away, much to the astonishment of his great 
 black horse. 
 
 Many a heavy-heeled carter went home at an unusual 
 pace that day. 
 
 The printing-presses of the respective parties were now 
 hard at full work. It was the eve of publication-day of 
 both papers, and the great " WE'S " of the Dozey Independent 
 and the Church and State Gazette sat in their back rooms, 
 combing and riddling the speeches of the respective candi-
 
 5io HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 dates into. English. Independently of the newspaper reports, 
 each party printed handbills for general distribution, con- 
 taining their own version of the story. The Marquis's 
 procession was detailed in glowing colours. The bands, the 
 banners, the ribbons, the ladies, the enthusiasm that pre- 
 vailed, and the surpassing talent that characterised his 
 address. 
 
 The Dozey Independent " WE " treated poor Mr. Jorrocks 
 very small. 
 
 " This curious old codger," said the editor in his leading 
 article, " an amalgamation of a cockney and a countryman, 
 half buck half hawbuck, addressed the assembled multitude 
 with a vehemence and an energy truly surprising for a man 
 of his years, but in a dialect perfectly unintelligible to our 
 reporters. It is lamentable to see a respectable-looking old 
 gentleman, with, we understand, many amiable qualities, 
 making a merry-andrew of himself at the bidding of a 
 desperate and expiring faction. ' Has the old gentleman 
 no friends ? ' was the question we repeatedly heard asked ; 
 and, in sober earnestness, we ask it ourselves has he no 
 friends ? " 
 
 On the other hand, The Church and State Gazette eulogised 
 Mr. Jorrocks, his sayings and his doings, and made a perfect 
 hero of him. 
 
 "We heartily congratulate the county on the creditable 
 exhibition Mr. Jorrocks made on the hustings this day. His 
 reasoning, his language, his manner, his dress, his address, 
 was all that could be wished by the most zealous patriot. 
 We never listened with greater pleasure to any speech. It 
 was a perfect masterpiece of impassioned eloquence. Bold, 
 vigorous, and concise, it had all the fervour of a Stanley, with 
 the subdued pathos of a Canning. 
 
 " We will not detain our readers from the gratification 
 its perusal is sure to afford by any further observations of 
 our own, but conclude by again congratulating the couiity 
 on the fortunate selection it has made." 
 
 The paper then went on to give the following version of 
 the proceedings, and of Mr. Jorrocks's speech, which we 
 recommend to the notice of all other editors of Church and
 
 HILLINGDON HALL. 511 
 
 State Gazettes throughout the kingdom, some of whom send 
 their champions out much worse mounted than they find 
 them : 
 
 " SELLBOKOUGH. 
 
 " At eleven o'clock to-day, John Jorrocks, Esq., of 
 Hillingdon Hall, one of Her Majesty's Justices of the Peace 
 for the county the chosen champion of the agricultural 
 interest made his public entry into our town, attended by 
 an immense cavalcade of yeomanry, and farmers on horse- 
 back. The procession was preceded by numerous rich and 
 beautiful flags, and a full brass band in uniform (three 
 trumpeters in dirty ducks and high-lows). The honour- 
 able gentleman rode in an elegant triumphal car (the old 
 fire-engine), and was attended by his proposer, Hamilton 
 Dobbin, Esq. His seconder, Mr. Mark Heavytail, of the 
 Pet Farm, one of the oldest and most extensive farmers in 
 the county, headed the horsemen. In number they far 
 exceeded a thousand ; some thought two thousand : but, 
 perhaps, fifteen hundred would be about the mark all free- 
 holders ! 
 
 " Precisely at twelve o'clock the High Sheriff appeared 
 on the hustings ; and the usual formalities having been 
 observed, the respective candidates were proposed and 
 seconded. 
 
 "The Marquis of Bray addressed the vast assemblage 
 first ; but we regret that the total want of accommodation for 
 the gentlemen of the press prevented our reporter catching 
 a single word of what he said. 
 
 "Mr. Jorrocks then came forward, and was received with 
 the most deafening applause, accompanied by the waving of 
 handkerchiefs, and general signs of approbation. When 
 silence was at length restored, the honourable gentleman 
 spoke nearly as follows : 
 
 " ' Mr. High Sheriff and Gentlemen, Before I advert to 
 the important business that has brought us together this 
 day, allow me to notice an inquiry made by the proposer 
 of my noble friend, the Marquis of Bray, as to who I am 
 (cheers). I was in hopes, gentlemen, that the time I have
 
 5 i2 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 now spent among you the intercourse I have had with you, 
 coupled with the interest I have taken in the promotion of 
 agricultural science, and, I trust, the faithful discharge of 
 my magisterial duties, would have exempted me from such 
 an inquiry ; but, gentlemen, lest the unanswered question 
 of the gallant Captain should lead any to suppose that I am 
 an ambitious adventurer standing forward for the mere 
 gratification of my own vanity, or the still baser motives of 
 personal aggrandisement, permit me to say that I am closely 
 connected with the landed interest of this county ; and that 
 I was sought in the retirement of private life by the 
 spontaneous requisition of a large body of my brother land- 
 owners and farmers to fight the battle of our common 
 cause.' (Immense applause, with cries of * So you were ! 
 So you were ! ') 
 
 " ' The gallant Captain,' continued Mr. Jorrocks, c spoke 
 in glowing terms of the Duke of Donkeyton's devotion to 
 agriculture and the expense he incurred in trying experi- 
 ments, but he (Mr. Jorrocks) fearlessly appealed to the 
 assembled county to say if the farming interest had a truer 
 or more liberal patron than himself!' (Cheers, and cries 
 of ' No, no ! it hasn't ! it hasn't ! ') 
 
 " ' Without wishing to detract from the merits of the 
 Duke of Donkey ton, he might refer to his own labours in 
 the cause of good farming and scientific improvement. He 
 had invented a machine so curious in its structure, so com- 
 prehensive in its operations, that, trembling at the monster 
 he had called into existence, he had not dared to use it, lest 
 it should supersede manual labour, and so throw thousands 
 of industrious poor out of employment ! (Great applause.) 
 
 " ' The noble Lord had addressed them with great talent 
 and eloquence. Though opposed to the opinions his Lord- 
 ship had urged, he (Mr. Jorrocks) could not be insensible 
 to the ability with which he had advanced them. If he 
 (Mr. Jorrocks) felt himself unable to compete with the 
 noble Lord in the display of flowery metaphor, he trusted 
 to supply the deficiency by the use of sounder arguments 
 (cheers). He stood there the defender of British agriculture, 
 and, in his opinion, argument was as superior to metaphor
 
 HILLINGDO^ HALL. 513 
 
 as the yellow waving corn was to the gay parterre. Flowers 
 we could do without, but corn was a matter of vital necessity. 
 The noble Lord talked of his sympathy for the poor, but he 
 (Mr. Jorrocks) yielded to no man in attachment to the 
 lower orders (applause). He wished to see the labouring 
 man fully employed and well paid. What matter did it 
 make to the poor man that he could buy an eightpenny 
 loaf for fourpence, if he had not fourpence to buy it with ? 
 Would it increase the demand for labour to throw all the 
 arable land out of tillage ? He thought not ; neither would 
 it be prudent to depend upon foreigners for food. 
 
 " ' I am old enough, gentlemen,' continued Mr. Jorrocks, 
 'to remember the time when that great man, Napoleon 
 Bonaparte a man at whose name princes trembled and 
 empires shook I am old enough, I say, to remember the 
 time when that great man, in the plenitude of his power, 
 menaced England from Boulogne heights, threatening to close 
 the ports of Europe against us. Wars, gentlemen, have 
 been, and wars may be again ; and if a second Napoleon 
 should arise, how should we manage if he were to do what 
 his predecessor threatened ? Would it appease the hunger 
 of the starving millions for Mr. Bright to offer the contents 
 of his warehouse to clothe them ? Again, if the stalwart 
 yeomanry, who in former days joined the flower and chivalry 
 of England, were annihilated, who should we get to fight 
 the battles of our common cause ? Shall we be unmindful 
 of the poet's truism 
 
 " That a bold peasantry, their country's pride, 
 When once destroyei can never be supplied"? 
 
 " ' Never, gentlemen ! ' continued he ; ' never ! (loud 
 cheers). Let us not be deluded out of the substance of 
 our national independence by the shadow of foreign advan- 
 tages ; let us adhere to the flag that for a thousand years 
 has " braved the battle and the breeze," and, in the coming 
 contest for this county, let every man remember the emphatic 
 language of Nelson 
 
 . ct England expects that every man will do his duty." ' 
 
 2 K
 
 Si4 HILLINGDON HALL. 
 
 "The honourable gentleman concluded amidst the most 
 enthusiastic demonstrations of applause. 
 
 " A show of hands was then called for and taken, but our 
 reporter has omitted to supply us with the result. From 
 what we saw, however, we have little doubt it would be 
 greatly in favour of Mr. Jorrocks." 
 
 Now for the election. 
 
 The polling commenced with great vigour on both sides, 
 but the result of the first day fully justified the confidence 
 with which Mr. Smoothington had assured the Duke, as 
 they quaffed their Burgundy and Bordeaux after the nomina- 
 tion, at Donkeytown Castle, that the Marquis's success was 
 quite certain. There not having been a contested election 
 in the county since the passing of the Eeform Bill, the 
 machinery was not in very good order, and the returns 
 from the different polling-places were badly made ; but 
 all accounts agreed that the Marquis was considerably 
 ahead, and Mr. Smoothington, taking the highest number 
 that he heard, told the Duke his son was more than a 
 hundred ahead. His Grace was rejoiced was sure "they 
 were popular monstrous popular ! " 
 
 On the other hand, the agricultural interest, nothing 
 daunted by their candidate's position on the poll, moved 
 heaven and earth to reverse his situation on the second. 
 Agents and canvassers scoured the county during the night, 
 and every voter was looked after that could be got to 
 the poll. 
 
 The League distributed tons of tracts. 
 
 A very unusual activity, for a second day's polling, 
 prevailed throughout the county, and drab coats and whisker- 
 on-chin-ites, who had never been looked for, cast up most 
 unexpectedly at the different polling-booths ; many absentees 
 arrived, some out of gaol debtors, of course. 
 
 Still Mr. Smoothington was confident they couldn't beat 
 the Duke. 
 
 A splendid chair was fitted up for the chairing green 
 velvet with gold lace ; and a grand procession arranged 
 from the Castle, for the declaration of the poll day.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 515 
 
 " We'll annihilate this old Tom Jorrocks," said the Duke, 
 as the lengthening procession drove from the door; "im- 
 pudent man, monstrous impudent man ! " added he, hurrying 
 away to his library. 
 
 Many rumours were afloat as to the ultimate result of 
 the poll. Mr. Jorrocks's committee had published a state- 
 ment of the first day's one, which left our Cockney Squire 
 in a minority of twenty only; still it was the general 
 opinion that the Marquis was far more ahead. In this 
 opinion our friend participated, and had it not been for the 
 convenience of arranging the payment of his hats, he would 
 hardly have taken the trouble of returning to Sellborough. 
 As it was, the Marquis's dazzling procession had entered, 
 and his Lordship and friends had taken their place on the 
 hustings before the Squire made his appearance. A vast 
 concourse of persons filled the spacious market-place, and 
 compliments passed current while the Sheriff was superin- 
 tending the casting- up of the poll-books. At length he ap- 
 peared on the hustings, and pencils begin to appear to take 
 down the numbers as they issued from his lips. A breath- 
 less silence ensued as he declared the numbers to be 
 
 For John Jorrocks, Esq. " . ' 2617 
 For the Marquis of Bray . f "..- 2615 
 
 Each party was struck dumb with astonishment. 
 
 " Impossible ! " " Wrong ! " " Mistake ! " " Can never 
 be ! " issued from the whiskerites ; and " Thame ! thame ! " 
 was lisped by the ladies. A rotten cabbage was thrown at 
 the Sheriff. This roused him from the stupor into which 
 he also seemed to have fallen, and after calling for order, 
 a semblance of which was at length obtained, he declared 
 John Jorrocks, Esq., to be duly elected. 
 
 Our Cockney Squire stood in a state of apparent bewilder- 
 ment receiving the congratulations of his friends, amidst 
 the greatest uproar from the populace. He did not know 
 what he was about. Many of the public-house mob were 
 perfectly furious, and would have torn the Jorrockian jacket 
 off his back if they could have reached him.
 
 516 HILLIXGDOS" HALL. 
 
 After some time spent in dumb show by our friend, each 
 party exerting their lungs to the utmost, the Sheriff sent 
 him word, if he wished to address the meeting, he should 
 now do so ; otherwise he would adjourn the court in order 
 to make his return to the writ. 
 
 Our friend then stood forward, and uncovered, amidst the 
 most discordant yells and a volley of missiles. That being 
 a game at which two can play, a rotten egg speedily closed 
 one of Captain Bluster's eyes, when all hands on the hustings 
 began to be particularly anxious for order. Mr. Jorrocks's 
 friends rallied round him. 
 
 After some seconds spent in dumb show, he at length 
 articulated as follows 
 
 " Mr. 'Igh Sheriff and gen'lmen, I'm perfectly flummoxed 
 at the announcement jest made. I can't think it's true. 
 There must be some mistake, the bookkeeper must 'ave cast 
 hup his accounts wrong ! It can never be true that I've 
 beat a Markis." 
 
 Cries of " No, no ! " " Yes, yes ! " All right ! all right ! " 
 
 " Howsomever, beat or not beat, I'm quite beat for words. 
 Sich a thing never entered my calkilation. John Jorrocks 
 anM.P.!" 
 
 " Whe'd ha' thou't it ?" exclaimed Pigg. 
 
 " Ay, indeed, who would ? " replied Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " Friend ! " exclaimed a Quaker (Mr. Obadiah Brown), 
 " friend ! " repeated he, " thy footman there," pointing to 
 Pigg, " told me an untruth respecting thy habits of life." 
 
 " 'Ow so ? " inquired Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 " He assured me thou wert a teetotaller." 
 
 " Ne doot ! " said Pigg, " ne doot ! " 
 
 " How canst thou say so, when thy master was drunk the 
 night before last ? " 
 
 " Why ! why ! " replied Pigg, " that's nou't again' his 
 bein' a tea-to-taller." 
 
 " But, friend," continued Mr. Obadiah Brown, appealing 
 to Mr. Jorrocks, " my brother and myself voted for thee on 
 the understanding that thou wert a teetotaller." 
 
 " Sony you should 'ave 'ad so bad an opinion on me," 
 replied Mr. Jorrocks.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 517 
 
 " Bat thou surely wilt not retain the votes ? " rejoined 
 Mr. Brown. " They were obtained under false pretences." 
 
 " That's a lee ! " roared Pigg. 
 
 " / say they were" retorted Mr. Brown, with vehemence. 
 
 " Ar say they warrit /" roared Pigg. "Thou axed me 
 when ar canvassed thee, gin wor ard Squire was a tea-to- 
 taller, and ar said Yis ! " 
 
 " Then he's not, I say ! " retorted Mr. Brown. 
 
 " He sells tea ony how," replied Pigg. 
 
 The High Sheriff called the parties to order, observing 
 that it was Mr. Jorrocks should address the meeting, if he 
 were inclined; otherwise the Marquis of Bray had the 
 privilege. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks begged pardon. " He really was so struck 
 iv a heap that he didn't know wot he was about. He 
 would be werry much obliged to any one who would tell 
 him what to say. He was never in such a pucker afore. 
 Yes, once ! No, it wasn't ! It was summut like though. 
 He had arranged a beautiful speech to return thanks for 
 his ball winnin' a prize, instead of which they axed him to 
 return thanks for his losin' it, and he couldn't. It was too 
 much for his feelins. So now he'd come to tell his friends 
 where to apply to for their 'ats, instead of which he had to 
 trouble them for them, and to thank the electors who had 
 so gallantly won them for him. (Loud cheers.) He believed 
 there were seventy of them. As many as would last him 
 his life, he thought. It was, indeed, a great wictory ! The 
 League, too, had gained a great wictory a great moral 
 wictory ! Nothin' could be better. Two great wictories ! 
 Both parties pleased ! They had elected him to Parliament, 
 and he was ready to sacrifice the plisures of retirement and 
 the luxtury of pure country hair, in the enjoyment of which 
 men grumbled if they died afore they were a 'undred. He 
 was ready, he said, to sacrifice these at their biddin'. Ho 
 didn't exactly know who he'd support when he got hup. 
 Young England, at one time, had favour in his eyes ; but 
 they lost it by steeple-chasin' above all, by Conin'sby 
 ridin' a steeple-chase in Hautumn. 
 
 " ' Upon the who-o-ole,' as his friend Johnny Wopstraw
 
 5i8 HILLINGDOX HALL. 
 
 would say, he didn't know but he'd support Sir Robert. Ifc 
 was no use doin' things by 'alves. He would go the 'ole 
 'og over shoes over boots. He'd been a Vig all his life, 
 and thought to have died a Yig ; but inwestin' money in 
 land, and findin' he Avas likely to be done out of his land, 
 had changed his opinions on that pint. He really thought 
 Sir Robert was a downright clever man. He had found 
 the country reg'larly hup the spout, and had now restored 
 it to hunexampled prosperity. If Sir Robert 'ill stick by 
 us poor farmers, I really think I'll stick by him," continued 
 Mr. Jorrocks. " Be wot they call Conservative. ' Tory 
 men with Vig measures/ as Conin'sby says. Sir Robert 
 had played him rayther a dirty trick about his ball, but he 
 could forgive him. He could forgive him, and he believed 
 the generous hanimal could forgive him. Partin' with his 
 ball would give him unmitigated pain, but he couldn't take 
 him hup to Parliament. He must, however, be partin' him- 
 self. It was past two o'clock, and he should like to be 
 chaired, for he'd promised to dine with his neighbour, little 
 Trotter, whose beautiful darter had been married that 
 mornin'. It would be a great surprise to Trot to find him 
 returned to Parliament as well as to dine with him. He 
 should, however, never forget the kindness of the farmers. 
 He would keep a watchful eye on their interest. He would 
 make his trusty Scotch bailiff, James Pigg, manager of his 
 property. He should establish a model farm, like the Duke 
 of Donkeyton's. Guano, nitrate o' sober, Willey's dust, 
 Clarke's compost, petre salt, all scientific mextures should 
 have a fair field and every favour ; and he would come down 
 annually twice a year to lector and report on them ! " 
 
 " MUCK'S YOUR MAN ! " roared Pigg, as his master bowed 
 his adieus to the meeting.
 
 HILLIXGDOX HALL. 519 
 
 [ADVERTISEMENT. ] 
 
 TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS. 
 
 pROFESSOK PIGG, of the EOYAL CALEDONIAN UNIWERSITY, 
 having been appointed by John Jorrocks, Esq., M.P., to manage his 
 extensive agricultural concerns, begs to announce his intention of receiv- 
 ing a limited number of MUD STUDENTS, who will be instructed in 
 the newest and most approved farming mysteries, particklar the use of 
 guano, nitrate of sober, and other hartificial mextures. 
 
 The young gentlemen's linen and morals will be under the immediate 
 superintendence of Mrs. Pigg, and they will in every respect be treated 
 the same as the little Piggs. 
 
 For terms and further particklars, apply to the Professor at Hilling- 
 don Hall. 
 
 THE END. 
 
 PRINTED BY BALLANTVNE, HANSON AND CO. 
 EDINBURGH AND LONDON.
 
 LONDON, 
 if KING WILLIAM STREET, STRAND, W.C. 
 
 JOHN C. NIMM.O'S 
 
 SPRING LIST OF NEW BOOKS 
 
 For 1888. 
 
 2 L
 
 Publications of John C, Nimmo. 
 
 THE NEW EDITED AND COMPLETE EDITIONS 
 
 ;%Dramatist0, 
 
 This is the first instalment towards a collective edition of the Dramatists 
 who lived about the time of Shakespeare. The type will be distributed 
 after each work is printed. 
 
 One of the chief features of this New Edition of the Elizabethan Drama- 
 tists, besides the handsome and handy size of the volumes, will be the fact 
 that each Work -will be carefully edited and new notes given throughout. 
 
 ALGERNON CHARLES SWINBURNE 
 
 (IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY, JANUARY 1886) 
 
 ON THE 
 
 Eli5abetban Dramatists. 
 
 " If it be true, as we are told on. high authority, that the greatest glory 
 of England is her literature, and the greatest glory of English literature is 
 its poetry, it is not less true that the greatest glory of English poetry lies 
 rather in its dramatic than its epic or its lyric triumphs. The name of 
 Shakespeare is above the names even of Milton and Coleridge and Shelley ; 
 and the names of his comrades in art and their immediate successors are 
 above all but the highest names in any other province of our song. There 
 is such an overflowing life, such a superb exuberance of abounding and 
 exulting strength, in the dramatic poetry of the half century extending from 
 1590 to 1640, that all other epochs of English literature seem as it were but 
 half awake and half alive by comparison with this generation of giants and 
 of gods. There is more sap in this than in any other branch of the national 
 bay-tree ; it has an energy in fertility which reminds us rather of the forest 
 than the garden or the park. It is true that the weeds and briars of the 
 underwood are but too likely to embarrass and offend the feet of the rangers 
 and the gardeners who trim the level flower-plots or preserve the domestic 
 game of enclosed and ordered lowlands in the tamer demesnes of literature. 
 The sun is strong and the wind sharp in the climate which reared the fel- 
 lows and the followers of Shakespeare. The extreme inequality and rough- 
 ness of the ground must also be taken into account when we are disposed, 
 as I for one have often been disposed, to wonder beyond measure at the 
 apathetic ignorance of average students in regard of the abundant treasure 
 to be gathered from this widest and most fruitful province in the poetic 
 empire of England. And yet, since Charles Lamb threw open its gates to 
 all comers in the ninth year of the present century, it cannot but seem 
 strange that comparatively so few should have availed themselves of the 
 entry to so rich and royal an estate. Mr. Bullen has taken up a task than 
 which none more arduous and important, none worthier of thanks and 
 praise, can be undertaken by any English scholar." 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W.C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 Volumes now Ready of the new Edited and Complete 
 Editions of the Elizabethan Dramatists. 
 
 Post 8vo, cloth. Published price, 7s. 6d. per volume net ; also large 
 
 fine-paper edition, medium 8vo, cloth. 
 
 The foil mving are Edited by A. H. BDLLEN, B.A. : 
 
 THE WORKS OF GEORGE PEELE. Two Volumes, 
 
 THE WORKS OF JOHN MARSTON. Three Volumes. 
 
 THE WORKS OF THOMAS MIDDLETON. Eight Volumes. 
 
 THE WORKS OF CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE. Three Volumes. 
 
 Others in active preparation. 
 
 SOME PRESS NOTICES. 
 
 Athenaeum. " Mr. Bullen's edition deserves warm recognition. It is intelli- 
 gent, scholarly, adequate. His preface is judicious. The elegant edition of 
 the Dramatists of which these volumes are the first is likely to stand high in 
 public estimation. . . . The completion of the series will be a boon to biblio- 
 graphers and scholars alike." 
 
 Saturday Review. "Mr. Bullen has discharged his task as editor in all 
 important points satisfactorily, his introduction is well informed and well 
 written, and his notes are well chosen and sufficient. . . . We hope it may 
 be his good fortune to give and ours to receive every Dramatist, from Peele to 
 Shirley, in this handsome, convenient, and well-edited form. " 
 
 The Spectator. " Probably one of the boldest literary undertakings of our 
 time, on the part of publisher as well as editor, is the fine edition of the Drama- 
 tists which has been placed in Mr. Bullen's careful hands ; considering the com- 
 prehensiveness of the subject, and the variety of knowledge it demands, the 
 courage of the editor is remarkable." 
 
 Notes and Queries.". . . Appropriately, then, the series Mr. Bullen edits 
 and Mr. Nimmo issues in most attractive guise is headed by Marlowe, the 
 leader, and in some respects all but the mightiest spirit, of the great army of 
 English Dramatists." 
 
 The Academy. " Mr. Bullen is known to all those interested in such things 
 as an authority on most matters connected with old plays. We are not sur- 
 prised, therefore, to find these volumes well edited throughout. They are not 
 overburdened with notes." 
 
 Scotsman. " Never in the history of the world has a period been marked 
 by so much of literary power and excellence as the Elizabethan period ; and 
 never have the difficulties in the way of literature seemed to be greater. The 
 three volumes which Mr. Nimmo has issued now may be regarded as earnests of 
 more to come, and as proofs of the excellence which will mark this edition of 
 the Elizabethan Dramatists as essentially the best that has been published. 
 Mr. Bullen is a competent editor in every respect." 
 
 The Standard. "Throughout Mr. Bullen has done his difficult work re- 
 markably well, and the publisher has produced it in a form which will make 
 the edition of early Dramatists of which it is a part an almost indispensable 
 addition to a well-stocked library." 
 
 Pall Mall Gazette. ". . . If the series is continued as it is begun, by 
 one of the most careful editors, this set of the English Dramatists will be a 
 coveted literary possession." 
 
 Daily Telegraph." The introduction to this new edition of Marston is of 
 exceeding interest, and is honourable to the earnest spirit in which Mr. Bullen 
 is steadfastly pursuing the object set before him in this notable series." 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 In Two Volumes, crown 8vo, with Portrait, cloth, uncut edges, 
 price I2s. nel, Second Edition. 
 
 The Life of Benvenuto Cellini. 
 
 NEWLY TRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH. 
 By JOHN ADDINGTON SYMONDS. 
 
 PUBLISHER'S NOTE. The high appreciation which Mr. 
 Symonds' new and scholarly translation of the Life of Ben- 
 venuto Cellini met with, both from critics and the general 
 public, has induced the Publisher to issue a Second Edition 
 in Two Vols., crown 8vo, but without the etchings and embel- 
 lishments contained in the first, more expensive, and limited, 
 edition. 
 
 SOME PRESS NOTICES OF THE FIRST EDITION. ' 
 
 Saturday Review. 
 
 " An accurate translation of the world-famed autobiography of Benvenuto 
 Cellini has hitherto been wanting. This want has now been supplied by Mr. 
 J. A. Symonds in a very satisfactory way ; the two volumes in which this new 
 translation appears are printed in the most munificent style, and, what is still 
 better, the translation itself is made with an accuracy and force of style which 
 could only have been attained by one who combined Mr. Symonds 1 exceptional 
 acquaintance with Cellini's language and an intimate knowledge of Italian 
 history with a finished literary command of his own tongue. Mr. Symonds has 
 made good use of his many qualifications for the task, and this latest work of 
 his will take rank among the best translations that have ever been made into 
 English." 
 
 Daily News. 
 
 "Mr. Symonds was in some sort predestined to this enterprise, and his 
 fulfilment of it deserves the warmest acknowledgment and congratulation. 
 Goethe translated Cellini's autobiography into German with conscientious 
 care ; it has been rather paraphrased than translated into French with con- 
 siderable skill, but we may without undue glorification confidently pronounce 
 the present English version superior to all former attempts to preserve the 
 keen and fiery spirit of the original, with all its daring vehemence and vigour, 
 its reckless abandonment, its picturesque energy, its superb swaggering devilry, 
 its overflowing vitality. The autobiography is a masterpiece, and in this 
 translation it loses none of its irresistible fascination." 
 
 Notes and Queries. 
 
 " Mr. Symonds has worthily supplemented his labours in Renaissance litera- 
 ture and art by the completion of his admirable translation of the immortal 
 autobiography of Benvenuto Cellini. A translation better fitted to convey what 
 is characteristic in Cellini's impetuous style is scarcely to be expected. So far 
 as scholarly requirements are concerned, Mr. Symonds' translation may be 
 regarded as final." 
 
 14. King William Street, Strand, London, W.C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 SOME PRESS NOTICES continued. 
 
 Spectator. 
 
 "The warmest admirer of Benvenuto's genius and the severest censor of his 
 crimes will equally welcome the translation and editing of this famous auto- 
 biography by Mr. Addington Symonds. The students of art and of history, 
 the men of 'lazy literature,' and the mere lovers of handsome, luxuriously 
 printed books, will rejoice in a piece of work so thoroughly done. It may, 
 indeed, be said that the astounding memoirs have been presented for the first 
 time in English in a manner which would have satisfied the egregious vanity of 
 Benvenuto himself, even if, in his vehement fashion, he might have more than 
 demurred to the estimate and explanation of his nature and character with 
 which the volume opens. That introduction is an admirable critical essay 
 upon the man, his book, and his times ; and it comes with some authority 
 from Mr. Symonds, who has profoundly studied and brilliantly portrayed the 
 period. " 
 
 Scotsman. 
 
 " It may at once be said that Mr. Symonds' is a full translation of the whole 
 of Cellini's work. As for its accuracy, the only doubts will arise with regard 
 to those passages about the meaning of which dispute will ever exist among 
 Italian scholars. When a book is written, as this is, in a thoroughly colloquial 
 style, and is, moreover, full of dialectic colloquialisms, the difficulty of transla- 
 tion is very great." 
 
 Athenaeum. 
 
 " As a piece of workmanship Mr. Symonds' translation deserves to rank 
 amongst the best translations in the English language. Indeed, it may be 
 doubted if anything that Mr. Symonds has yet done merits such unqualified 
 praise. He has reproduced a style whose very simplicity constitutes its diffi- 
 culty, because while it is vivid and forcible it is not precise. He preserves the 
 ease, the flow, and the individuality of Cellini's narrative, while he has scrupu- 
 lously attended to accuracy and truthfulness. His task seems so easy that it 
 takes" a little reflection to perceive its real difficulty. 
 
 "Moreover, Mr. Symonds has been rewarded for the pains which he has 
 taken with what has evidently been a labour of love. His carefulness as a 
 translator has reacted upon his own style, and the introduction to the ' Life ' is 
 a better sample of English prose than Mr. Symonds has yet written." 
 
 Manchester Examiner. 
 
 "Mr. Symonds' mastery of the nuances of the Italian tongue, while his inti- 
 mate knowledge of the history and spirit of the Renaissance period have long 
 been obvious to every cultivated reader. Of the quality of the English style of 
 the new translation we can speak with more confidence, and we should do less 
 than justice were we to speak of it in terms other than those of unreserved 
 praise. The elaborate introductory essay of the translator is specially instruc- 
 tive and interesting, all the more so because, in addition to the general estimate 
 of Cellini's life and work, it brings together a number of substantial and by no 
 means far-fetched reasons for the belief that the popular opinion of Cellini as 
 an essentially unveracious man is altogether erroneous." 
 
 Manchester City News. 
 
 " It goes without saying that in Mr. Symonds' hands the work he had before 
 him would be done with the most conscientious care ; and with such fine, 
 critical accuracy as he has now for many years given us the right to expect 
 from him. English readers who do not know Italian may now learn something 
 reliable about Cellini and his times. Mr. Symonds is as painstaking as he is 
 facile in his work ; and in his introduction and in the notes which meet the 
 reader on his way through these volumes, he has given the cue, so to speak, 
 for understanding him and his surroundings, with a completeness not hitherto 
 available to those who have had to rely solely upon any previous publication in 
 our literature." 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C,
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 In crown 8vo, about 350 pages, cloth, uncut edges, with Map and Thirty-four 
 Illustrations, price 6s. 
 
 STANLEY TO THE RESCUE! 
 
 THE RELIEF OF EMIN PASHA. 
 
 By A. WAUTERS, 
 
 Of the Royal Geographical Society of Belgium. 
 
 TRANSLATED BY 
 
 ELLEN E. FREWER. 
 
 Ulitb /ifcap and birt=four Illustrations. 
 
 NOTE. This book will be published immediately on receipt of the latest 
 news of Stanley's Mission. 
 
 BY THE AUTHOR OF "HANDLEY CROSS," &c. 
 
 Demy 8vo, 520 pages, Twelve Full-page Illustrations by Wildrake Heath 
 Jellicoe printed on Whatman paper and coloured by hand, price 143. 
 
 HILLINGDON HALL; 
 
 Or, THE COCKNEY SQUIRE. 
 A TALE OF COUNTRY LIFE. 
 
 By R. S. SURTEES, 
 
 Author of'Uandley Cross," "Jorrocks's Jaunts and Jollities," &*c. 
 
 NOTE. This, one of the best of Mr. Surtees' works, was originally 
 commenced in the New Sporting Magazine, and illustrated by the inimitable 
 artists, Wildrake and Heath, but was not completed in that Magazine. 
 It was afterwards published complete in a Three Volume edition. The 
 Five Illustrations now added are by John Jellicoe, and illustrate the latter 
 portion of the work not done by Wildrake or Heath. All are coloured by 
 hand. 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo.' 
 
 In demy 8vo, 350 pages, hand- made paper, price i6s. net. 
 
 THE PLAYS AND POEMS 
 
 OF 
 
 SIR GEORGE ETHEREDGE. 
 
 EDITED 
 
 WITH CRITICAL NOTES AND INTRODUCTION, 
 
 BY 
 
 A. WILSON VERITY, B.A., 
 
 Scholar of Trinity College, Cambridge. 
 
 NOTE. Only 500 copies will be printed for England and 
 America, each of which will be numbered. 
 
 IN announcing a new and complete edition of the works of 
 this eminent man of letters of the seventeenth century, the 
 following remarks may be offered. Etheredge is a very impor- 
 tant writer, and is recognised by all competent critics as the 
 forerunner of Wycherley, Congreve, and Sheridan as the 
 founder, in fact, of the English prose school of comedy. Such 
 a writer ought to be accessible, and that his works have not 
 been reprinted during the century appears to be an anomaly. 
 Not only is there no modern edition of his works, but the old 
 editions are scarce, and it may be mentioned that there is no 
 copy of his plays in so large a collection as the University 
 Library at Cambridge, or in the Trinity College Library. It 
 may be said without any exaggeration that to the ordinary 
 student Etheredge is absolutely inaccessible, and a new edition 
 of his Plays and Poems, Annotated and Prefaced by an Intro- 
 ductory Essay on the Writer and on the Contemporary Drama 
 is a distinct desideratum, and will fill an important gap in our 
 literature. 
 
 14. King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 NEW ILLUSTRATED EDITION OF DR. DORAN'S GREAT WORK. 
 
 In Three Volumes, demy 8vo, Roxburghe binding, gilt top, price 545. net. 
 Also large-paper copies, royal 8vo, with Portraits in duplicate. 
 
 "THEIR MAJESTIES' SERVANTS." 
 
 ANNALS OF THE ENGLISH STAGE 
 
 FROM 
 
 THOMAS BETTERTON TO EDMUND KEAN. 
 
 By DR. DORAN, F.S.A. 
 
 Edited and Revised by R. W. LOWE, from Author's Annotated Copy. 
 With Fifty Copperplate Portraits and Eighty Wood Engravings. 
 
 SOME PRESS NOTICES. 
 Athenaeum. 
 
 "It is well that in the issue of a new edition of 'Their Majesties' Servants,' which is 
 one of the most esteemed of Dr. Doran's works, the task of supervision and correction has 
 been assigned to one of the best informed and most earnest of our younger writers on 
 dramatic subjects. Some of the most serious inaccuracies of the original are corrected, 
 slight additions from the MSS. of Dr. Doran are supplied, and full indexes are appended 
 to each of the volumes. With its admirable text and its delightful reproductions of old 
 illustrations, it is the most attractive volume upon things histrionic that has yet appeared 
 in England." 
 
 Saturday Review. 
 
 " Of all Dr. Doran's works, his ' Stage Annals ' has been the most successful, and both 
 the first and second editions have long been out of print. The first, indeed, has been in 
 great request, especially for the purpose of what is known as book illustration. Such 
 corrections as are made in the second edition Mr. Lowe, in the shape of notes, has incor- 
 porated with the original, and from the papers of Dr. Doran, to which he has had access. 
 The illustrations meanwhile to the new edition enhance remarkably its value. No such 
 collection of theatrical engravings is elsewhere to be obtained. It is difficult to know 
 which most to praise, the views of old theatres and other scenes, &c., which, in the shape 
 of head- or tail-pieces, are given to each chapter, or the portraits, all of which are 
 interesting, and many of them admirable. Some of the scarcest and most desirable of 
 histrionic portraits have been reproduced, and there is not a commonplace or indifferent 
 plate in the series. The task of the publisher has been accomplished with equal care and 
 taste, and the new Doran is a credit to a firm to which are owing many surpassingly 
 handsome books." 
 
 Manchester Examiner. 
 
 "Dr. Doran was, in the best sense of the word, a popular writer; his style has the 
 brightness, spontaneity, and picturesqueness which draw us to a book in our least 
 studious hours ; and no one knew better than he the value of a characteristic anecdote, 
 or could tell it with greater crispness and vivacity. In these three volumes his varied 
 gifts are seen at their best, and the book is one which can with pleasure be either read 
 steadily through from beginning to end or taken up in that odd quarter of an hour which 
 it is so difficult to utilise with pleasure and profit." 
 
 Notes and Queries. 
 
 "The works of Dr. Doran, with their pleasant blending of antiquarian information 
 and social gossip, are well known. To a portion of them it will be good news that the 
 scarcest and the most popular of these, the 'Annals of the Stage,' first published under 
 the characteristic title of 'Their Majesties' Servants,' has now been reissued. Mr. 
 Lowe's task has been discharged with commendable industry and acumen. His notes 
 are condensed and to the point. They appear few and unobtrusive ; they are, in fact, 
 numerous and important. Difficult indeed is it to conceive a book of this class deserving 
 higher praise or appealing to a larger public. It is pleasant to see an old favourite in so 
 lovely and artistic a dress, and not less pleasant to think that the work is wholly English, 
 and in design and execution owes nothing to a foreign source. ' 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 PRESS NOTICES OF " DORAN "continued. 
 
 Pall Mall Gazette. 
 
 " Turning to the illustrations, we can only pronounce them by far the finest collection 
 of English theatrical portraits ever issued in book form. They are well chosen and 
 admirably reproduced. Scarcely any actor or actress of the first rank is omitted, and in 
 almost all cases rare and little known portraits are preferred to the more hackneyed ones. 
 How charming, for instance, are the Colley Gibber and the Mrs. Abingdon ! How 
 characteristic the Quin and Macklin, the George Frederick Cooke and the Robert William 
 Elliston ! How valuable the Mrs. Woffington, the Mrs. Yates, and the Mrs. Pritchard, 
 the Harris as Wolsey, and the Kean as Shylock ! Scarcely less interesting are the small 
 woodcut head-pieces, printed on Japanese paper. They consist for the most part of 
 pictures of old theatres and of scenes and characters from plays, curious as first-hand 
 records of costume and gesture." 
 
 Birmingham Mail. 
 
 " Each volume contains a copious and exhaustive index, and the work has been 
 annotated by reference to Dr. Doran 'sown MS. This history may fairly claim to rank 
 as a standard work on the British drama, and no library can be considered complete 
 without it. The previous editions have been long out of print, and command high 
 prices, but Mr. Nimmo, by the care and special features he has lavished on this one, 
 will make it outvie them in importance, and even render them incomplete and unsatis- 
 factory by comparison." 
 
 The Graphic. 
 
 " Mr. Robert W. Lowe is already known through his work in connection with the 
 bibliography of the stage, and there is probably no man in London better fitted for the 
 task he has so successfully accomplished. His plan has been to reprint Dr. Doran's 
 work exactly as it stood in the first edition, and to add a series of foot-notes correcting 
 and explaining the text. Though some objection might possibly be taken to the scheme 
 on which Dr. Doran planned his work, it is still the best popular book on the stage, and, 
 with Mr. Lowe's notes, it will be long before it can be superseded." 
 
 Glasgow Herald. 
 
 " Dr. Doran was master of a singularly attractive style ; he had studied the Restora- 
 tion drama with a minuteness altogether exceptional, even among stage annalists ; and 
 if he was not lucky enough to discover any great mass of new material, he presented 
 what was known in the most pleasing, orderly, and informing manner. An excellent 
 and characteristic portrait of Dr. Doran is prefixed to the first volume of the 'Annals.' 
 The editor, Mr. Lowe has with commendable taste confined himself for the most part to 
 correcting those errors scarcely to be avoided by even an experienced writer among 
 the confused, inaccurate, and contradictory documents of theatrical history." 
 
 Bookseller. 
 
 " The publication of a new edition of Doran's ' Annals of the Stage ' partakes almost 
 of the nature of an event in the world of books, and is one we could scarcely have 
 parsed over without notice. . . . Produced in such a delightful and fascinating shape, 
 readers of Dr. Doran's work will be hard to please if they are not charmed with this 
 edition of ' Their Majesties' Servants.'" 
 
 Scotsman. 
 
 " Histories of the stage are not rare : and although, as a rule, these are concerned 
 more with the literature of the theatre than with players, some of them are based upon 
 the biographical rather than the literary interest of their subject. Perhaps the most 
 prominent of such histories is Dr. Doran's ' Annals of the English Stage ; ' it is a store- 
 house of information concerning the theatre as it existed in England during the seven- 
 teenth and eighteenth centuries." 
 
 North British Daily Mail. 
 
 "The intrinsic worth of this work has long been recognised, and in this new edition 
 we have not only the revision of a careful editor, but also a series of illustrations of a 
 very attractive character. The portraits are most interesting, and so are the numerous 
 little pictures on Japanese paper ; indeed, with regard to the latter, we have rarely seen 
 anything finer. Altogether, the work in its present form is a most covetable one, and is 
 sure to commend itself to the book-collector. 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 3V IBxMtotjrapIjff nf C^atrical ICi&ratur*. 
 
 In demy 8vo, 400 pages, cloth, price i8j. net. Also, One Hundred Copies 
 on fine deckle-edge royal 8vo paper, each numbered. 
 
 A BIBLIOGRAPHICAL ACCOUNT OF 
 
 ENGLISH THEATRICAL LITERATURE 
 
 FROM THE EARLIEST TIMES TO THE PRESENT DAY. 
 By ROBERT W. LOWE. 
 
 SOME PRESS NOTICES. 
 
 Athenaeum. 
 
 "It is a work of much industry and research, and will probably remain the standard 
 bibliography of the stage. What further information is to be chronicled may be grafted 
 on this stock. To the student and the collector the book has real value. The latter will 
 prize the few quotations of sale prices Mr. Lowe has given, and will wish them more 
 numerous." 
 
 Saturday Review. 
 
 " Mr. Lowe's bibliographical account of the stage forms a goodly volume of 384 pages, 
 and describes, it may be estimated, nearly three thousand separate^ works. It is admir- 
 ably furnished as regards cross-references and other means of facilitating use, and is a 
 \vorkofmuchlabouranderndition. Further additions and emendations will doubtless 
 be forthcoming. Meantime the contribution Mr. Lowe has made is important and wel- 
 come. His work is convenient in arrangement, and his own observations are pertinent." 
 
 Daily News. 
 
 " It is not a mere bibliography, but rather what is known as a 'catalogue Taisonnf* 
 since a large number of the titles are accompanied by serviceable explanatory notes, 
 together with mention of prices for which scarce woiks have been sold at more or less 
 recent sales. It is a gracious task to render homage to the industry and the painstaking 
 care displayed on every page of this volume." 
 
 Scotsman. 
 
 "The entries go as far back in point of time as the ' Coventry Mysteries,' and come 
 down so near ihe present day as to include reference to the pamphlet containing the 
 articles from the Saturday Review on the state of the London theatres which appeared 
 last month, and the new edition of Dr. Dpran's ' Annals of the Stage,' which was 
 published last week. The work will be heartily welcomed by librarians and bookmen as 
 a valuable product of bibliographical skill and industry. It is printed in a very elegant 
 fashion, and published in a limited issue, and will probably soon become as scarce and 
 high-priced as many of the books to which its pages give reference." 
 Glasgow Herald. 
 
 " It consists of about two thousand titles, the great majority of which are taken 
 directly from the works described. These are arranged alphabetically, with exhaustive 
 cross-references. Notes regarding each actor and actress are given, with an account of 
 the occurrences to which particular works refer, special attention being paid to the less 
 known and more curious pamphlets." 
 
 Pall Mall Gazette. 
 
 " Mr. Lowe's notes are, as a rule, eminently to the point, and add greatly to the value 
 of his work. It is difficult to estimate the amount of patient labour that goes to the 
 compilation of such a book as this, especially when it is the first of its kind ; and Mr. 
 Lowe's diligence, accuracy, and enthusiasm for his subject deserve the warmest recog- 
 nition. The book is excellently printed and got up. the English edition being limited 
 to 350 numbered copies, while 150 have been printed for America." 
 Manchester Examiner. 
 
 "This is a book the leaves of which can be turned over with considerable interest and 
 no small amount of instruction by that miscellaneous-minded person, the general reader, 
 Hiid to the student of the special class of literature with which it deals it will be very 
 valuable." 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 "^Folnmc of 
 
 Post 8vo, hand-made paper, 750 copies, each numbered, price los. 6d. net. 
 Also 250 large-paper copies, in half German calf, each numbered. 
 
 More Lyrics from the Song-Books 
 of the Elizabethan Age. 
 
 Edited by A. H. B U L L E N, B.A. 
 
 SOME PRESS NOTICES. 
 
 Scotsman. 
 
 "Mr. A. H. Bullen has found a happy hunting-ground for songs in the 
 anthologies of the Elizabethan period. His first collection of lyrics rapidly 
 won the favour of lovers of literature, and brought to the light of print many 
 gems of excellent lustre that had lain hidden in the manuscripts hoarded by 
 collectors. His reprint of ' England's Helicon ' whetted the wholesome appetite 
 for such good songs, and his new volume, ' More Lyrics from the Song-Books 
 of the Elizabethan Age, ' will go far to satisfy the demand for more of the same. 
 This collection is issued in the same elegant form as the others a form which 
 reflects the highest credit upon the publisher of the book, and will make the 
 volume prized by collectors of beautiful books." 
 
 Manchester Examiner. 
 
 " Mr. A. H. Bullen's new book, ' More Lyrics from the Song- Books of the 
 Elizabethan Age,' is a worthy companion of the volume issued some months 
 ago. Whilst that volume was still in the press the compiler was again gleaning 
 where he had reaped, confident in the success of his first venture. The result 
 'is a rich store of lyrics which were absolutely unknown to the public, and of 
 many of which even specialists were ign'orant. Mr. Bullen has unearthed a large 
 number of the poems from unique books in the British Museum, the Bodleian 
 Library, the Royal College of Music, Mr. Halliwell-Phillipps' Library at 
 Hollingbury Copse, and unpublished manuscripts." 
 
 Notes and Queries. 
 
 "From the same rich sources that have supplied him with the previous 
 volume of ' Lyrics ' Mr. Bullen has dug out yet further treasures. His earlier 
 volume is already prized by the bibliophile and by the lover of poetry. The 
 second forms a worthy companion. All but inexhaustible seems the supply of 
 poetry of the Elizabethan era. Poem after poem that we come upon in these 
 second gleanings is good enough in a later age to have won the writer a place 
 among poets. Men such as Carew, for instance, have obtained a name as 
 poets without writing anything equal to the best of Thomas Campion, whom 
 Mr. Bullen has permanently rescued from practical oblivion." 
 
 Daily News. 
 
 " They are beautiful tunable pieces ; they have the accent of that old day, 
 a music like the jargoning of birds, artless trills that our later art ' never can 
 recapture.' Such were our fathers' songs, and why are our modern songs, as a 
 rule, such trash?" 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 A NEW ILLUSTRATED WORK BY THE AUTHOR OF 
 
 "FLEMISH INTERIORS." 
 
 In large crown 8vo, with One Hundred Illustrations by R. CAULFIELD 
 ORPEN, cloth elegant, price 73. 6d. 
 
 'De Omnibus Rebus." 
 
 AN OLD MAN'S DISCURSIVE RAMBLINGS ON THE ROAD OF 
 EVERYDAY LIFE. 
 
 By the Author of "Flemish Interiors." 
 With One Hundred Illustrations by R. CAULFIELD ORPEN. 
 
 SOME PRESS NOTICES. 
 
 Saturday Review. 
 " The little sketches scattered throughout are clever." 
 
 Punch. 
 
 "' De Omnibus Rebus,' by tbe author of ' Flemish Interiors.' An odd book to be taken 
 up at odd times. Amusing and chatty, with a good deal of shrewd observation. He who 
 rides may read ; and as it is published by Nimmo, this firm in this instance might adopt 
 the old Latin motto, ' " Nimmo " mortaliwn omnibus horis sapit ;' i.e., ' Nimmo is 
 wise to bring out a book for the omnibus hours of mortals.' " 
 
 Athenaeum. 
 "The author of ' De Omnibus Rebus' may be thanked and congratulated." 
 
 Manchester Examiner. 
 
 " The writer, whom we must be content to know as the author of ' Flemish Interiors,' 
 takes a modern omnibus as the scene of his reflections, and occupies the time of his 
 journeys in studying types of character, the idiosyncrasies of his fellow-passengers, the 
 incidents en route, the people in the streets, the attendants, the advertisements, and 
 many other things which furnish an observant mind with food for thought. He has a 
 good store of anecdotes with which to garnish his reflections, and the result is a gossipy 
 attractive book of 350 pages. Some excellent and humorous illustrations are supplied 
 by R. Caulfield Orpen. 
 
 Morning Post. 
 
 " ' De Omnibus Rebus' will be read with extreme pleasure in one's spare time, for it 
 is a book which cannot fail to raise the spirits and put one in an amiable frame of mind 
 towards one's fellow-creatures." 
 
 John Bull. 
 
 " No one can read this handsome book without conceiving a kindly feeling for its 
 
 Figaro. 
 
 "This finely-printed vojume is full of lively and diverting stories and sayings. As 
 may be imagined by the title, it need not be read all at once ; indeed, it is essentially a 
 book to take up when you have half an hour or an hour to spare, and difficult must the 
 man or woman be to please who does not find something in it to laugh at or ponder over. 
 There are no less than a hundred illustrations, some of which are very clever. The 
 author is a man of culture as well as of observation, and ' De Omnibus Rebus 1 deserves 
 to enjoy wide and permanent popularity." 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 13 
 
 ftcto listoriral tfifork bg JF. (g. fee, .g. 
 
 Large crown 8vo, cloth, price 8s. 6d. 
 
 REGINALD POLE, 
 
 CARDINAL ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY. 
 AN HISTORICAL SKETCH. WITH AN INTRODUCTORY PROLOGUE AND 
 
 PRACTICAL EPILOGUE BY 
 
 FREDERICK GEORGE LEE, D.D. 
 With an Etched Portrait of Cardinal Pole. 
 
 John Bull. "We must not linger further over Dr. Lee's book. We have already 
 indicated some serious points upon which we can by no means accept his conclusions. 
 But Dr. Lee has, nevertheless, rendered two great and important services. He has 
 done something to correct erroneous but prevalent impressions concerning an important 
 epoch in our history. He has forcibly exposed the evil and wickedness of Christian 
 Disunion, and striven his best, from his particular point of view, to stir men up to 
 seek a remedy. For both of these he deserves our cordial thanks." 
 
 Third Edition, newly Revised and Corrected, and greatly Enlarged, in 2 
 vol.=. medium 8vo, cloth, Three Hundred Engravings and Twelve 
 Full-Page Plates, price 2ls. 
 
 THE ROSICRUCIANS: 
 
 THEIR RITES AND MYSTERIES. 
 By HARGRAVE JENNINGS. 
 
 Allen's Indian Mail." Valuable, interesting, and instructive, the work teaches how 
 dangerous it is to condemn what is not understood, or to criticise what is imperfectly 
 realised. Liberality of judgment should be the motto of mankind in these days of 
 intelligence and enlightenment, and a study of the mysterious will clear the path in this 
 direction from many of the notions conceived in intolerance and nurtured in hardness 
 of heart. Read, gentle reader, and be wise ! " 
 
 Uniform with A. H. BULLEN'S " Lyrics from the Song-Books of the 
 
 Elizabethan Age." 
 
 Post 8vo, hand-made paper, 500 copies, each numbered, price los. 6d. net. 
 Also 250 copies, large paper, in half-German calf, each numbered. 
 
 ENGLAND'S HELICON. 
 
 A COLLECTION OF LYRICAL POEMS PUBLISHED IN 1600. 
 Edited by A. H. BTJLLEN. 
 
 The Spectator. "With what pleasure would Leigh Hunt, Hazlitt.or Charles Lamb 
 have taken into their hands this new edition of the Elizabethan song-book, ' England's 
 Helicon;' and how gladly would they acknowledge the influence of sixty years, the 
 advance in taste, themselves its leaders, which will win for such a book delight and 
 admiration, rather than 'patronage ! ' The book consists of a collection of lyrical and 
 pastoral poems, and the modern editor, who, one need hardly say, has done his work 
 with perfect (tare and taste, has prefaced the poems with an introduction telling us all 
 we want to know about almost every one of them." 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 1 4 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 ^ $*fo snb ^tautiful bitten of i\t |mitalioit af Christ. 
 
 In demy 8vo, with Fifteen Etchings, bound in full white parchment, 
 gilt top, price 2 is. net. 
 
 The Imitation of Christ. 
 
 FOUR BOOKS. 
 
 Translated from the Latin by Rev. W. BENHAM, B.D., 
 
 Rector of St. Edmund, King and Martyr, Lombard Street, London. 
 
 The text and quaint borders printed in brown ink on fine vellum paper, 
 and illustrated with Fifteen Etchings by L. FLAMENG and CH. WALTNEK, 
 from designs by J. P. LAURENS and HENRY LEVY, printed on Japanese 
 paper, make this, for presentation purposes, one of the most beautiful 
 editions at present to be had. 
 
 Scotsman. 
 
 "We have not seen a more beautiful edition of ' The Imitation of Christ' 
 than this one for many a day." 
 
 Magazine of Art. 
 
 "This new edition of the ' Imitation' may fairly be regarded as a work of 
 art. It is well and clearly printed ; the paper is excellent ; each page has its 
 peculiar border, and it is illustrated with fifteen etchings. Further than that 
 the translation is Mr. Benham's we need say nothing more." 
 
 Second Edition, post Svo, cloth elegant, gilt top, price 55. 
 
 Carols and Poems. 
 
 FROM THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY TO THE PRESENT TIME. 
 Edited by A. H. BULLEN, B.A. 
 
 , NOTE. 120 copies printed on fine medium Svo paper, with Seven 
 Illustrations on Japanese paper. Each copy numbered. 
 
 Saturday Review. 
 
 " " Since the publication of Mr. Sandys's collection there have been many books 
 issued on carols, but the most complete by far that we have met with is Mr. 
 Bullen's new volume, ' Carols and Poems from the Fifteenth Century to the 
 Present Time.' The preface contains an interesting account of Christmas 
 festivities and the use of carols. Mr. Bullen has exercised great care in verify- 
 ing and correcting the collections of his predecessors, and he has joined to 
 them two modern poems by Hawker, two by Mr. William Morris, and others 
 by Mr. Swinburne, Mr. Symonds, and Miss Rossetti. Altogether this is one of 
 the most welcome books of the season." 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 Publications of John C. Niinmo. 
 
 gtanbatft Ibistoncal Morfts. 
 
 Twelve Volumes, demy Sv0, cloth, uncut edges, price ^5, $s. net 
 also in Tree calf, gilt top, Riviere's binding. 
 
 THE WORKS OF 
 
 The Right Hon. Edmund Burke. 
 
 WITH ENGRAVED PORTRAIT FROM THE PAINTING 
 By Sir JOSHUA REYNOLDS. 
 
 Carefully Revised and Collated with the Latest Editions. 
 
 NOTE. The publication of this COMPLETE LIBRARY EDITION 
 of the Writings and Speeches of a great Writer and Orator, 
 whose works have been so frequently quoted of late in the British 
 Houses of Parliament, the publisher feels may be opportune to 
 many readers and admirers of one of the greatest of the sons of 
 men. Viewed in the light of the present age, how great is our 
 admiration of that foresight which foretold, and that wisdom which 
 would have averted, the storms which menaced the peace and well- 
 being of his country ! His public labours present a continuous 
 struggle against the stupidity, the obstinacy, and the venality of 
 the politicians of his day. 
 
 So long as virtue shall be beloved, wisdom revered, or genius 
 admired, so long will the memory of this illustrious exemplar of 
 all be fresh in the world's history ; for human nature has too 
 much interest in the preservation of such a character ever to 
 permit the name of EDMUND BURKE to perish from the earth. 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 Vindication of Natural Society. 
 
 The Sublime and Beautiful. 
 
 Observations on a Late Publication 
 on " The Present State of the 
 Nation." 
 
 Thoughts on the Cause of the Pre- 
 sent Discontents. 
 
 Reflections on the Revolution in 
 France. 
 
 Thoughts on French Affairs. 
 
 Thoughts and Details on Scarcity. 
 
 Hints for an Essay on the Drama. 
 An Essay towards an Abridgment 
 
 of the English History. 
 Papers on India. 
 Articles of Charge against Warren 
 
 Hastings. 
 Speeches in the Impeachment of 
 
 Warren Hastings. 
 Miscellaneous Speeches. 
 Letters. 
 Index, &c. 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 1 6 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 STANDARD HISTORICAL WORKS continued. 
 
 Medium 8vo, fine paper, with Four Etched Portraits, &c., cloth, 
 213. net. 
 
 The Autobiography of Edward, 
 
 LORD HERBERT OF CHERBURY. 
 
 WITH INTRODUCTION, NOTES, APPENDICES, AND A 
 CONTINUATION OF THE LIFE. 
 
 By SYDNEY L. LEE, B.A., Balliol College, Oxford. 
 
 Notes and Queries. 
 
 ' ' Lord Herbert's autobiography is an absolute masterpiece, worthy of the 
 place assigned it by Mr. Swinburne among the best one hundred books. 
 Quite fascinating are the records of adventure Lord Herbert supplies, and the 
 book, when once the preliminary statement of pedigree, &c., is got over, will 
 be read to the last line by every reader of taste. A new lease of popularity is 
 conferred upon it by the'handsome and scholarly reprint Mr. Lee has given to 
 the world. The volume itself belongs to the series of library reprints of Mr. 
 Ximmo, which are simply the most attractive of the day. Mr. Lee, meanwhile, 
 has executed in the most scrupulous, careful, and competent manner the task 
 of editing." 
 
 Medium 8vo, fine paper, with Four Etched Portraits, &c., cloth, 
 2 is. net. 
 
 The Life of William Cavendish, 
 
 DUKE OF NEWCASTLE, 
 
 To which is added the TRUE RELATION OF MY BIRTH, 
 BREEDING, AND LIFE. 
 
 By MARGARET, DUCHESS OF NEWCASTLE. 
 
 EDITED BY C. H. FIRTH, M.A. 
 
 Saturday Review. 
 
 " The book is, without doubt, a pleasant one. In the midst of the stony- 
 hearted Restoration, its naive enthusiasm, its quaint and embroidered elo- 
 quence, its flavour of a bygone day, give it a curious charm. It is like a Shirley 
 flourishing on into the age of Shadwell and Etheredge." 
 
 The Scotsman. 
 
 "It has a distinct value as a contemporary picture of the life, modes of 
 thought, and habits of a great Royalist nobleman, who played a prominent 
 part in some of the most memorable episodes of English history." 
 
 14. King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 17 
 
 STANDARD HISTORICAL WORKS continued. 
 
 Medium 8vo, fine paper, with Ten Etched Portraits, &c., cloth, 
 Two Volumes, 425. net. 
 
 MEMOIRS OF THE LIFE OF COLONEL 
 HUTCHINSON. 
 
 By his Widow, LUCY. 
 REVISED AND EDITED BY CHARLES H. FIRTH, M.A. 
 
 Athenaeum. 
 
 " Is an excellent edition of a famous book. Mr. Firth presents the ' Memoirs ' 
 with a modernised orthography and a revised scheme of punctuation. He 
 retains the notes of Julius Hutchinson, and supplements them by annotations 
 corrective and explanatory of his own. Since their publication in 1805, the 
 ' Memoirs ' have been a kind of classic. To say that this is the best and fullest 
 edition of them in existence is to say everything." 
 
 Medium 8vo, fine paper, Roxburghe binding, gilt top, and 
 Two Etchings, price 155. 
 
 A Chronicle History of the Life and 
 Work of William Shakespeare. 
 
 PLAYER, POET, AND PLAYMAKER. 
 By F. G. FLEAY, M.A. 
 
 From Professor A. W. Ward's Preface to the Second Edition 
 of Marlowe's "Dr. Faustus." 
 
 " Mr. Fleay's new Life of Shakespeare will, in my opinion, before long be 
 acknowledged as one of the most important works on the history of the Eliza- 
 bethan drama which this age has produced." 
 
 Extract from a Letter to the Author from Dr. H. H. Furness. 
 
 "The man himself was always unreal to me, and I never could bring myself 
 to believe that he ever really existed. But your book has left upon me the 
 impression, as deep as it is strange, that such a man did really live, and that 
 he belonged to the noble army of workers. 
 
 " I had confidence in you and followed holding your hand, at times lost in 
 wonder and admiration over the miraculous memory and indefatigable research 
 of my guide." 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C. 
 
 2 M
 
 1 8 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 STANDARD HISTORICAL WORKS continued. 
 
 Copyright Edition, with Ten Etched Portraits. In Ten Vols., demy 8vo, 
 cloth, 5, 53. net. 
 
 Lingard's History of England. 
 
 FROM THE FIRST INVASION BY THE ROMANS TO THE 
 
 ACCESSION OF WILLIAM AND MARY IN 1688. 
 
 By JOHN LINGABD, D.D. 
 
 This New Copyright Library Edition of " Lingard's History of England," 
 besides containing all the latest notes and emendations of the Author, with 
 Memoir, is enriched with Ten Portraits, newly etched by Damman, of the 
 following personages, viz. : Dr. Lingard, Edward I., Edward III., Cardinal 
 Wolsey, Cardinal Pole, Elizabeth, James I., Cromwell, Charles II., 
 James II. 
 
 The Times. 
 
 " No greater service can be rendered to literature than the republication, 
 in a handsome and attractive form, of works which time and the continued 
 approbation of the world have made classical. . . . The accuracy of Lingard's 
 statements on many points of controversy, as well as the genial sobriety of his 
 view, is now recognised." 
 
 The Tablet. 
 
 " It is with the greatest satisfaction that we welcome this new edition of Dr. 
 Lingard's 'History of England.' It has long been a desideratum. ... No 
 general history of England has appeared which can at all supply the place of 
 Lingard, whose painstaking industry and careful research have dispelled many 
 a popular delusion, whose candour always carries his reader with him, and 
 whose clear and even style is never fatiguing." 
 
 The Spectator. 
 
 "We are glad to see that the demand for Dr. Lingard's England still con- 
 tinues. Few histories give the reader the same impression of exhaustive study. 
 This new edition is excellently printed, and illustrated with ten portraits of the 
 greatest personages in our history." 
 
 Dublin Review. 
 
 "It is pleasant to notice that the demand for Lingard continues to be such 
 that publishers venture on a well-got-up library edition like the one before us. 
 More than sixty years have gone since the first volume of the first edition was 
 published ; many equally pretentious histories have appeared during that 
 space, and have more or less disappeared since, yet Lingard lives is still a 
 recognised and respected authority." 
 
 The Scotsman. 
 
 "There is no need, at this time of day, to say anything in vindication of the 
 importance, as a standard work, of Dr. Lingard's ' History of England.' . . . 
 Its intrinsic merits are very great. The style is lucid, pointed, and puts no 
 strain upon the reader ; and the printer and publisher have neglected nothing 
 that could make this what it is likely long to remain the standard edition of 
 a work of great historical and literary value." 
 
 Daily Telegraph. 
 
 "True learning, untiring research, a philosophic temper, and the possession 
 of a graphic, pleasing style were the qualities which the author brought to his 
 task, and they are displayed in every chapter of his history." 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 STANDARD HISTORICAL WORKS continued. 
 
 THE MONKS OF THE WEST, 
 
 FROM ST. BENEDICT TO ST. BERNARD. 
 
 By the COUNT DE MONTALEMBEBT, 
 
 Member of the French Academy. 
 
 Authorised Translation. Seven Volumes 8vo, cloth, 4, 45. net. 
 (Published by Messrs. W. BLACKWOOD & SONS, Edinburgh.') 
 
 CONTENTS OF THE WORK. 
 
 Introduction. 
 
 The Roman Empire after the Peace 
 of the Church. 
 
 Monastic Precursors in the East. 
 
 Monastic Precursors in the West. 
 
 St. Benedict. 
 
 St. Gregory the Great Monastic 
 Italy and Spain in the Sixth and 
 Seventh Centuries. 
 
 The Monks under the First Merovin- 
 gians. 
 
 St. Columbanus The Irish in Gaul 
 and the Colonies of Luxeuil. 
 
 Christian Origin of the British Isles. 
 
 St. Columba, the Apostle of Cale- 
 donia, 521-597. 
 
 St. Augustin of Canterbury and the 
 Roman Missionaries in England, 
 597-633- 
 
 The Celtic Monks and the Anglo- 
 Saxons. 
 
 St. Wilfrid establishes Roman Unity 
 and the Benedictine Order, 634-709. 
 
 Contemporaries and Successors of St. 
 Wilfrid, 650-735. 
 
 Social and Political Influence of the 
 Monks among the Anglo-Saxons. 
 
 The Anglo-Saxon Nuns. 
 
 The Church and the Feudal System 
 The Monastic Orders and Society. 
 
 St. Gregory, Monk and Pope. 
 
 The Predecessors of Calixtus II. 
 
 Times. 
 
 " Whatever the Count touches he of necessity adorns. He has produced a 
 great and most interesting work, full of curious facts, and lit up with most noble 
 eloquence." 
 
 Freeman's Journal. 
 
 " Of the translation, we must say it is in every respect worthy the original. 
 The nervous style of the author is admirably preserved. It is at the same time 
 spirited and faithful." 
 
 Standard. 
 
 " No library of English history will be complete without these glowing pic- 
 tures of the ' Monks of the West.' " 
 
 NOTE. Very few sets of this important and well-known work are now 
 left for sale. 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W.C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 STANDARD HISTORICAL WORKS continued. 
 
 THE 
 
 Lives of the Queens of Scotland. 
 
 AND ENGLISH PRINCESSES CONNECTED WITH THE 
 REGAL SUCCESSION OF GREAT BRITAIN. 
 
 By AGNES STRICKLAND. 
 
 With Portraits and Historical Vignettes. 
 
 Eight Volumes, post 8vo, cloth, 4, 45. net. Also in full calf and half 
 calf bindings. 
 
 (Published by Messrs. W. BLACKWOOD & SONS, Edinburgh.) 
 
 CONTEXTS OF THE WORK. 
 
 Life of Margaret Tudor, Queen of 
 James IV. 
 
 Life of Magdalene of France, First 
 Queen of James V. 
 
 Life of Mary of Lorraine, Second 
 Queen of James V. 
 
 Life of the Lady Margaret Douglas, 
 Countess of Lennox. 
 
 Life of Mary Stuart, Queen of Scot- 
 land. 
 
 Life of Elizabeth Stuart, First Prin- 
 cess Royal of Great Britain. 
 
 Life of Sophia, Electress of Hanover. 
 
 English Review. 
 
 " Miss Strickland has not only been fortunate in the selection of her subject, 
 but she has sustained to the full her high reputation for research." 
 
 The Standard. 
 
 " In 'The Queens of Scotland' Miss Strickland prosecutes her original task 
 with as careful research as in her first work, and with undiminished spirit and 
 unaltered delicacy." 
 
 The Guardian. 
 
 " We discern freedom and ease of manner, a judicious selection of materials, 
 an evenly balanced judgment, and the sobriety and decision which are the fruits 
 of wide historical knowledge." 
 
 Blackwood's Magazine. 
 
 " Every step in Scotland is historical ; the shades of the dead arise on every 
 side ; the very rocks breathe. Miss Strickland's talents as a writer, and turn 
 of mind as an individual, in a peculiar manner fit her for painting a historical 
 gallery of the most illustrious or dignified female characters in that land of 
 chivalry and song." 
 
 NOTE. Very few sets of this delightful work are now left for sale. 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W.C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 OCTAVE UZANNE'S ILLUSTRATED WORKS. 
 
 Royal 8vo, cloth, gilt top. Illustrations engraved in colours, 
 price 425. net. 
 
 The Frenchwoman of the Century. 
 
 FASHIONS MANNERS USAGES. 
 By OCTAVE UZANNE. 
 
 Illustrations in Water Colours by ALBERT LYNCH. Engraved in Colours 
 by EUGENE GAUJEAN. 
 
 Morning Post." Graceful and light as is this book by M. Octave Uzanne, the 
 clever author of ' The Fan ' and ' The Sunshade, Muff, and .Glove,' and other works 
 marked by a rare originality, it affords a more complete insight into the ideas of the 
 women of France of this century and of the influence exercised by them than is apparent 
 on the surface. An idea can be formed of the prodigality and luxury that prevailed at 
 the Court of the First Empire by 'a serio-comic document' circulated in 1807 as 'an 
 account of the annual expense of a female fop of Paris." Its different items amour 
 the sum of ioo,oo< " 
 less well photogra 
 when Balzac dis< 
 
 with all the brightness of a perfumed summer.' Speaking the truth always, but with 
 native gallantry seeking to conceal its harshness, M. Uzanne tells his countrywomen of 
 to-day that ' the woman of this end of the century reigns despotically still in our hearts, 
 but has no longer the same happy influence on our spirits, our manners, our society.' To 
 account for this, as indeed in writing of the moral aspect of all the different social phases 
 that come within his scope, the author reasons of cause and effect with an able lucidity 
 that skilfully avoids dulness. The illustrations are, without exception, artistic and 
 spirititelle, and contribute to make of this elegantly bound work a veritable ' volume de 
 luxe,' which worthily continues the series of productions from M. Uzanne's brilliant and 
 facile pen." 
 
 Royal 8vo, cloth, gilt top, 315. 6d. net. 
 THE FA N . By OCTAVE UZANNE. 
 
 the sum of ioo,ooofr., or 7600 sterling. The women of fashion of a later period are not 
 less we'll photographed. There are some sparkling pages on those of 1830, at the time 
 when Balzac discovered and sang ' La Femme de Trente Ans,' ' whose beauty shines 
 
 Royal 8vo, cloth, gilt top, 313. 6d. net. 
 
 The Sunshade, Muff, and Glove. 
 
 By OCTAVE UZANNE. 
 
 Illustrations by PAUL AVRIL. 
 
 Art Journal." At first sight it would seem that material could never be found to 
 fill even a volume; but the author, in dealing with his first subject alone, 'The Sun- 
 shade,' says he could easily have filled a dozen volumes of this emblem of sovereignty. 
 The work is delightfully illustrated in a novel manner by Paul Avrii, the pictures which 
 meander about the work being printed in various colours." 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 Charming Editions, Illustrated with Etchings, of Standard Works, 
 
 suitable for presentation. Crown 8vo, handsomely bound, either 
 
 in cloth or parchment bindings, price "]s. 6d. per volume. : 
 
 1. THE HISTORY OF DON QUIXOTE DE LA MANCHA. 
 
 Translated from the Spanish of MIGUEL DE CERVANTES SAAVEDRA by 
 MOTTEUX. With copious Notes (including the Spanish Ballads), and 
 an Essay on the Life and Writings of CERVANTES by JOHN G. LOCK- 
 HART. Preceded by a Short Notice of the Life and Works of PETER 
 ANTHONY MOTTEUX by HENRI VAN LAUN. Illustrated with Sixteen 
 Original Etchings by R. DE Los RiOS. Four Volumes. 
 
 2. ASMODEUS. By LE SAGE. Translated from the French. Illus- 
 
 trated with Four Original Etchings by R. DE Los RIOS. 
 
 3. THE BACHELOR OF SALAMANCA. By LE SAGE. Trans- 
 
 lated from the French by JAMES TOWNSEND. Illustrated with Four 
 Original Etchings by R. DE Los RiOS. 
 
 4. VANILLO GONZALES; or, The Merry Bachelor. By LE SAGE. 
 
 Translated from the French. Illustrated with Four Original Etchings 
 by R. DE Los Rois. 
 
 5. WEIRD TALES. By E. T. W. HOFFMAN. A New Translation 
 
 from the German. With Biographical Memoir by J. T. BEALBY, for- 
 merly Scholar of Corpus Christi College, Cambridge. With Portrait 
 and Ten Original Etchings by AD. LALAUZE. In Two Volumes. 
 
 6. THE OLD ENGLISH BARON: A GOTHIC STORY. By CLARA 
 
 REEVE. THE CASTLE OF OTRANTO: A GOTHIC STORY. 
 By HORACE WALPOLE. In One Vol. With Two Portraits and Four 
 Original Drawings by A. H. TouRtfiER, Etched by DAMMAN. 
 
 7. ROBINSON CRUSOE. By DANIEL DEFOE. InTwoVols. With 
 
 Biographical Memoir, Illustrative Notes, and Eight Etchings by M. 
 MOUILLERON, and Portrait by L. FLAMENG. 
 
 8. GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. By JONATHAN SWIFT. With Five 
 
 Etchings and Portrait by AD. LALAUZE. 
 
 9. A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY. By LAURENCE STERNE. A 
 
 TALE OF A TUB. By JONATHAN SWIFT. In One Vol. With 
 Five Etchings and Portrait by ED. HEDOUIN. 
 
 The Times. 
 
 "Among the numerous handsome reprints which the publishers of the day 
 vie with each other in producing, we have seen nothing of greater merit than 
 this series of volumes. Those who have read these masterpieces of the last 
 century in the homely garb of the old editions may be gratified with the oppor- 
 tunity of perusing them with the advantages of large clear print and illustrations 
 of a quality which is rarely bestowed on such reissues. The series deserves 
 every commendation." 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W. C.
 
 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 23 
 
 Royal 8vo, cloth extra, printed in colours and gilt top, price I2s. 6d. 
 An elegant and choicely Illustrated Edition of 
 
 GOLDSMITH'S VICAR OF WAKEFIELD. 
 
 With Prefatory Memoir by GEORGE SAINTSBURY, 
 
 And One Hundred and Fourteen Coloured Illustrations by V. A. PoiRSON 
 (Illustrator of " Gulliver's Travels "). 
 
 Saturday Review. 
 
 "Goldsmith's immortal tale is here delightfully illustrated in colour, and 
 there is a prefatory memoir by Mr. George Saintsbury, full of delicate criticism 
 and careful research. The illustrations are sketchy, fresh, merry, and in colours 
 perfectly harmonious. Such a book is a boon to the cultivated reader of every 
 age." 
 
 The Guardian. 
 
 " A new edition of the ' Vicar of Wakefield ' naturally appears with every fresh 
 variety of the arts of printing or illustration. M. Poirson showed so keen an 
 appreciation of the peculiar humour of ' Gulliver's Travels,' that it was only to 
 be expected that he should try his hand at an even more popular book. Mr. 
 Saintsbury has prefixed an excellent critical memoir, and altogether, if Gold- 
 smith could have chosen the garb in which he would best like his Vicar to 
 appear, his ideas would probably have jumped with those of the present pub- 
 lisher." 
 
 The Graphic. 
 
 "They are indeed some of the most excellent specimens of artistic colour- 
 printing now to be seen ; and the book is a wonder of cheapness, seeing it is 
 sold at the low sum of 125. 6d." 
 
 Notes and Queries. 
 
 "Among the cherished editions of this great work, for such 'The Vicar of 
 Wakefield' will always be held, this edition, brimming over with coloured 
 designs, innumerable, pretty, fanciful, and fantastic, will hold a place." 
 
 Daily News. 
 
 "Anything that makes people read 'The Vicar of Wakefield' is a boon to 
 humanity. A new edition has appeared, a very handsome book, with designs 
 in colour by a French artist, and a biographical preface by Mr. Saintsbury. 
 The pictures are very bright and clever. There is a particularly pretty group 
 on page 63. Mr. Saintsbury's preface is deserving to be read, and he is so 
 original as to call the ' Vicar," not a prose idyll, but a 'satire in miniature, and 
 in oils, not acids.'" 
 
 Daily Telegraph. 
 
 "One of the books which never grow out of date is Oliver Goldsmith's 
 ' Vicar of Wakefield. ' The present edition has a prefatory memoir, written by 
 Mr. George Saintsbury, including also within its limits a literary criticism on 
 the work, which Mr. Saintsbury rightly describes as Goldsmith's masterpiece. 
 The edition is excellently got up as well as carefully edited, and is brightened 
 by 120 coloured illustrations of a quaint, antique, and aesthetic order, well 
 befitting the character of the story." 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand, London, W.C.
 
 24 Publications of John C. Nimmo. 
 
 Some Autumn Announcements for 1888. 
 
 IN PREPARATION. 
 
 THE MEMOIRS OF COUNT GRAMMONT. By ANTHONY 
 HAMILTON. In One Volume. With the Text Illustrated for the 
 first time. With Thirty-four Etchings from Original Drawings by 
 C. DELORT. 
 
 THE MEMOIRS OF CHARLES GOZZI. Written by Himself. 
 Now first Translated into English by JOHN ADDINGTON SYMONDS, 
 and Illustrated with Original Etchings. In Two Volumes, small 410, 
 uniform with the "Life of Benvenuto Cellini." 
 
 THE REMINISCENCES AND RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 CAPTAIN GRONOW. Being Anecdotes of the Camp, the Court, 
 and the Clubs, at the close of the last War with France. In Two 
 Volumes. With Twenty-five Original Etchings by JOSEPH GREGO, 
 and hand-coloured. 
 
 THE MIRROR OF THE WORLD. By OCTAVE UZANNE, 
 Author of "The Fan," "The Sunshade," &c. Illustrated with over 
 160 Illustrations by PAUL AVRIL, and printed in colours. One 
 Volume, royal 8vo. 
 
 COLLEY GIBBER'S "APOLOGY FOR HIS LIFE." A New 
 
 Edition, edited and brought down to the date of his death by ROBERT 
 W. LOWE (Editor of Dr. Doran's " Annals of the English Stage "). 
 Illustrated with Full- Page Newly-Engraved Portraits, and numerous 
 Head- and Tail-pieces. In Two Volumes, demy 8vo. 
 
 THE WORKS OF THOMAS DEKKER, Edited by A. H. 
 BULLEN, B.A., will be the next issue of "The Elizabethan 
 Dramatists." 
 
 WALTON AND COTTON'S COMPLETE ANGLER. Edited 
 by JOHN MAJOR. A New Edition, with over Seventy Engravings 
 on Wood and Eight Etchings. Supplemented by a Treatise on 
 Flies. In One Volume, post 8vo. 
 
 A MAGNIFICENT WORK, ILLUSTRATING THE MOST 
 
 CHOICE AND UNIQUE KNOWN SPECIMENS OF SEVRES PORCELAIN 
 IN THE WORLD. The Coloured Reproductions are being executed in 
 the highest style of Art, and under the immediate supervision of the 
 Ministry of Fine Arts of France. 
 
 14 King William Street, Strand^ London, W.C.
 

 
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