iV •o t\ a wJ Uld n ^ w 1 7 josh: billing-s Lecturing on the Probabilities of Life. OLD PROBABILITY Perhaps Rain — Perhaps Not. by "Josh Billings." fd^*. WITH 250 COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS. NEW YORK : G. IV. Carleton & Co. ; Publishers, London: S. Low & Co. MDCCCLXXIX. Ivntertd*;, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1879, by • ••••• « * « * ' *, G. W. CARLETON & CO., ••♦ ! .' ' * * % , • j IhntaB-CTffice <5f the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. c)/ cA&i^ fycrr/c, A REMARK. It iz better to kno less, than to hno so mutch, that aint so. \ SIGHNS OV THE ZODIAK. The undersighned iz an Amerikan brave, in hiz grate tragick akt ov being attaked bi the twelve constella- shuns. — (May the best man win.) Head and Face. «f Arms. n Heart. ft Reins. Thighs. Legs. Neck. Breast. Bowels. m Secrets. Knees. V3 Feet. X KEY TEW THE ABUV PERFORMANCE. Tew kno exackly whare the sighn iz, multiply the da} ov the month bi the sighn, then find a dividend that will go into a divider four times without enny remains, sub- trakt this from the sighn, add the fust quoshunt tew the last divider, then multiply the whole ov the man's boddy bi all the sighns, and the result will be jist what yu are looking after. 778965 BILLINGS' FAMILY TIME TABLE. Amazi begot Hezaki, Hezaki begot Eldad, Eldad begot Behomath, Behomath begot Zepheniah (Zepheniah waz a conumdrum maker, sum ov which hav been handed down), Zepheniah begot Ezekiel, Ezekiel begot Issacher {Issaker waz a bad speller, which haz bin handed down too), Issaker begot Nehemiah, Nehemiah begot Methuseler, Methuseler begot Nabob {Nabob waz a snob), Nabob begot Jerrymiah, and Jerrymiah begot Absolum Billings {who is admitted bi every boddy who remembers him tew be the most humblyest looking man in the gth Century). Absolum begot Josh, and so they kept bizzy begotting. After the Billings family once struck the front name, Josh, they clung tew it. I find, over 6 hundred ov that name extant, besides a grate menny who haz bekum extanted. The Billings hav bin a helthy old breed az fur back az i have dug for them, which they owe principally tew a milk diet. It iz sed that Behomath Billings, one ov our pristines, could drean a cow perfektly dry at one sitting. If this iz so, it helps explain the great amount ov milk in the Billings natur. I dont find enny old bachelors, nor old maids, amung our ansesstors, inkrease and multiply haz alwus bin the battle cry of the Billings. OPINIONS OF THE PRESS AFTER SEEING THE ADVANCE SHEETS OV m\\ I; tiling^ Jprmm' Mmira FOR THE YEAR 1870. " We seldum notis the current Amerikan literature ov the day, but the Billings Allminax, soon tew be issued by Carleton, is a work for the mothers of the Amerikan Union." — London Times, June 6th, 1869. " Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax iz az phull ov gems az a dia- mond neklace, az phull of knowledge az Webster's Spellin Book, and az phull of cooking and cures az a parson's wife." — London Atheneum, May 31st, 1869. " The virtewous thoughts in Josh's Allminax iz gin cocktails for the idle, and brandy straights for the viscious." — Atlantik Semi- Monthly, May 3d, 1869. " The Billings' Allminax will prove a rare acquisition tew Amerikan literature ; the astronomikal calculashuns are unique, the language elegant, the moral perfekt, the sentiments just, and the whole -thing extremely bully." — Boston Ledger, May 1st, 1869. " In theze daze of tawdry novels, imbecile poetry, and florid his- torys, it iz charming tew take up such a brilliant thing az Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax, whare philosophy and sentiment frolik together, and whare wit sits in state, with one arm around the waist ov morality." — Omaha Patriot, July 4/h, 1869. . • JANUARY MONOGRAPH. This month waz named after one Janus, a sharp sighted old chap, with a face like a pikaxe, so that he could look both ways at once, back onto the old year, and forward onto the new one. At the latter part ov his life he died of a thaw, leaving a snug little property, sum six or seven hundred dollars, which akordin tew one ov the bye-laws ov hiz will, waz invested in tin back thermometors, and distributed amung the suffering poor ov his native village, az mementoze ov Janus. DOMESTIX RECEIPTS. Tew find the square root ov a hog's noze, turn him into a gardin patch. Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately. Tew remove grease from a man's karakter, let him strike sum sudden ile. Tew giv oysters an extra good relish, eat them at sumboddy else's expense. Tew git wrong things out ov yure child's head, — comb it often. 31 Days. JANUARY. 1870. t3 te= 13 =4 .9 ~. H rt lj U3 ^3 o* ^ W/fo bifarmin would git ritch, Must plough, and so, and dig, and sick, Work hard all day, sleep hard all nite, Save every cent, and not git tite. & S ! a I s 2 G 3 M 4 T 5 W 6 T 7 F 8 S 9 G IO M ii T 12 W *3 T 14 F i5 S 16 G 17 M 18 T 19 W 20 T 21 F 22 S 23 G 24 M 25 T 26 W 27 T 28 F 29 S 30 G 31 M Prognostix. n Cold^tt A 6 Daniel A Lambert 6 SbornO 6 1793 high © tides $ % perhaps y& ^ rain Q perhaps © not £p Milky way (9 fust * discovered f 1386 D Iff Weather O & shifty? £ laying 5 © yure ice fgj cream cow And git yure galls consent, Then hitch tip Dobbin, or sum other kruttur, And let the animile went. Li 3 3 ? CD © I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io n 12 i3 14 i5 16 i7 1 8 19 20 21 22 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M Prognostix. ? Gusty G\ squalls $. St. yethro Sparks cum tew town, Athwart a kussid mule. He wound hiz ears around hiz nek, And called him April Phule, 1870. > l 5 s p. o £*2 Prognostix. EMBERS ON THE HARTH. I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 *3 14 15 16 17 18 x 9 20 21 22 2 3 24 2 5 26 27 28 29 30 F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S Showery $ expekt© JQ( rain V3 stern winter iz^, A £? o'erv3sow peas© and plant lambs $ now gs Washington waz the £ father «f l*?ov hiz © (country) © wet rain © f Washington 3 when a little boy had # $ TTina little f SI axiti f gentle UshowersS5 t with which he r£i 9 © ^ tomahawked a tree © sighns oj $ moisture but <$ when $ asked $ X if he did the tree cut T big rainlfrhe °f I£owned the korn (§# lager beer diskoveredrft ¥ not to be ¥ Q . intoxicating §#flf i845itipattent taken out g now digl^ for umbrellers^f^* He whom the good praze, and the wicked hate, ought tew be satisfied with hiz reputashun. The less a man knows, the more he will guess at, and guessing iz nothing more than suspicion. It is a statistikal fakt, that the wicked work harder tew reach Hell, than the righteous do tew git to heaven. When i git thoroughly ritch, the fust thing i intend to do, iz tew bekum respektabel. Men generally, when they whip a mule, sware, the mule remem- bers the swaring, but forgits the licking. MAY MONOGRAPH. May iz the belle ov the year, she haz worn the belt for five thousand years. If May hadn't hav been a sensible girl, she would hav bin spilte long ago with poetry and stanzy. But she is an independant kritter, and dont care one kuss for stanzy. This iz an eazy month tew fall in love, our naturs are now fully thawd out, after the late kold snap, and like a little melted brook, begin tew look around, tew find another little melted brook tew mix with. Oh ! how precious and delightsum it iz to mix. Hive bees during this month, if yu hav got sum, if not, hive sumboddy else's. PATIENTS ISSUED DURING 1869. Feb. i st. To Ambrose Griddle, Esq., a pattent for a hen's egg, which beats the natral egg for awl purposes, except, cooking, hatching, and eating. April 13th. To Ezra Push, Jun., a pattent for a one wheeled velosipede. This wise instrumentality haz two handles tew it, and iz purswaded by taken hold ov the handles, and walking between them with a shove moshun. If it wasn't a velosipede, it would be an old fashioned wheelbarrow. March 10th. To David Gibson, for a pattent goose yoke. These yokes are packed in cotton wool, and sent bi express all over the face ov the earth, they are sudden tew yoke a goose with, and no goose should be without one. 31 Days. MAY. 3,6 a m 1 a | o W I 7/5^ Rooster now with burstin thrut, Proklaims the rozy morn. And cacklin hens are telling us. Another egg is born. 1870, > 1 9 i I o D flj tb ^ w &£* H ^ §T H n» n» [> w ►— o. B B 6 $ i G 2 M 3 T 4 W 5 T 6 F 7 S 8 G 9 M IO T ii W 12 T i3 F 14 S i.S G 16 M i7 T 18 W i9 T 20 F 21 S 22 G 23 M 24 T 2S W 26 T 27 F 28 S 29 G 30 M 31 T Prognostix. y&" Physician Si heal thyself," <9 ^c big joke d J£on physician Til, now n pi ant -A 6 $ corn $ for early whiskey 6 showers with sun (%) in them TTJ2. spring yhaz cumg • adorned likeV3 © a bride $ sighns Q ov © rainQ brides alwus create aQ® • g V3 sensashun V\ thunder U mixed with A 6 rain °o it iz more idiffikult tewX be a bride T ¥ than a brides Q maid r£i babes J^ ty in the © 5* woods diskoveredlT n a 1626 6 $' Ttf^r* harvest cowslops for £ £? greens TT&1C eggs plenty — RAMRODS. Piety iz like beans, it seems tew do the best on a poor sile. About the hardest thing a phellow kan do, iz tew spark two girls at onst, and preserve a good average. I had rather be a seed cow- cumber, flung up on a wood pile, tew ripen, than tew be an old bachelor. Better leave yure children virtew, than money, but this is a sekret known only to a few. Going tew law, iz like skinning a nu milk cow for her hide, and giving the beef tew the lawyeis. JUNE MONOGRAPH. June iz twin sister tew May, lacking a month. She iz named after Juno, the spouze ov Jupiter, and she waz a stirring woman. June iz the mother of rozes and milk. June iz the stepmother of good gras butter, she iz also grate granmother ov Bakon and Spinnage. June iz a praktikal gusher, and i love tew stand one side, and let her gush, — i hav made it a rule never tew git in the way ov a gush ov enny kind, — i say tew everything, gush ! oh, gush ! • WORDS TE W HO USE WIFES. To make a cheap soup, take 5 drops ov good strong onion juice, add 2 gall's ov water, bile 10 minnitts kare- fully, and seazon with a couple ov phatt cockroches. To make a hoe kake, take a hoe and bile it tew a thin jell, and then, — let her kake. Tew skin a Eel, turn him inside out, and remove the meat with a Jack plane. Tew make a hen lay 2 eggs a day, reazon with her ; if that dont dew, threaten to chastize her if she dont. Tew learn yure offspring to steal, make them beg hard for all that yu giv them. 30 Days. JUNE. o — 1 8- c/3 ,2 CS JO O XX G G n.. CJ e (3 M 1 1 6^ iV>z# &*/ 13 f*. V A rd •*-> c o 6 *a XI o £ H £ ,4 O 1 1 Afcm ^^ afom |c OLD CHEEZE. Medicine haz cost the world more than bread haz, and haz killed more than it haz cured. Marriage tew a coquette iz often, "letters ov marque and reprisal." It iz very diffikult for a poor man tew be superior tew hiz for- tune, and more diffikult for a rich one. Hunting after health, iz like hunting after fleas, the more yu hunt, the more flees you will find. The devil iz sed tew be the " father ov lies," if this iz so, he haz got a numerous family, and sum very promising children amungst them. OCTOBER MONOGRAPH. October iz one ov the fall months, Adam iz sed tew hav fell this month, but sich assershuns are like standing oph a half a mile, in a cloudy day, and guessing at the number ov fleas on a dorg, more sincere, than sartain. The strongest attrakshun for me, in this month, iz her natral cider; the man who don't admire good natral cider, must be a condem phool. Prepare for a hard winter during this month, bi repent- ing ov yure sins, and gitting up a good big wood pile. PECK'S CHURN, AND BRIS TOW'S SOWING MASHEEN. Theze churns are the pride ov invenshun, the genius ov improvement, a viktory over time, and a conquest ov labor. They will fetch butter from cream in 2 seckonds, from milk in 2 minnitts, and from water, inside ov a very short time. Better be without a spellin book, or even a pack of kards, in a growing family, than not tew hav one ov Peck's Churns. Peck iz a philanthropist, every house- wife in the world, should put on a clean white apron, hold up both hands on high, and shout, Bully ! ! oh ! Bully ! for Peck. . Buy Bristow's double-thread, cross-stitch, rivet-seam, dovetail-hemmer, lighting-movement, krank-moshun sow- ing masheen. Theze masheens took all the premiums at the late lamented Paris imposishun, and one ov them, which waz sent tew a farmer in Tiogy county last fall, on trial, sowed up the whole family in a hard not, in less than three days, besides sowing fourteen acres of winter rye. 31 Days. OCTOBER. 1870. > .G 1 — 1 £ 1 1 6> 77/^ v korn now scents the gale, And harz'est boys the milk maids wake, With matin songs, in praizes of, Hasty pnddin, and yohnny kake. 3 _ 2 1* Prognostix. I S ©Jack Frost # 2 G born Pick apples now, and cider make, And in a barrel juice it, Then git a straw, without a flaw, And through the straw seduce it. S3 9 I T 2 W 3 T 4 { F 5 S 6 G 7 M 8 T 9 W IO T ii F 12 S *3 G 14 M IS T 16 W 17 T 18 F *9 S 20 G 21 M 22 T 2 3 W 24 T 2 5 F 26 S 27 G 28 M 29 T 30 W Prognostix. Sour cold Jg( a © $1 stampede in Brigham (t) Youngs family 03 □ more cold T& he suddenly bekumsTTj, unwedded n more [Jt] sour A for a large () amount rain 0g, and iz T left a 75 hoss power widdower g- ^clammy and raw Brigham burys himself in fHi weeds iTJ, blustering • at the bottom ov§ his garden patch J+l cold with sourness Brother Brigham rally srmsighns ov snow £0 he iz sealed seven times in one day® £ sour with wetness £ $ ^ sealing wax advances 10 6 fi [*] cents on a stick now chop wood Q SHOE PEGS. A debt iz alwus a growing, if it dont gro in size, it grows in heft. There iz lots ov folks in the world, who covet misfortins jist for the luxury ov grunting. Hope iz a draft on fewturity, sumtimes honored, but generally extended. Prosperity makes phools, and adversity cures them. A dandy iz one ov Fashion's Eunuchs. If yu want a true friend, hire him bi the month, and pay him fair wages. DECEMBER MONOGRAPH. This iz the last month in the Josh Billings Farmers Alminax. Other dutys, ov a maskuline natur hav forced us tew haul in our gang plank. We would like tew hav hung on a month or two longer, and made a big thing ov it. Dear Reader we must part, and it iz like pulling angleworms out ov their holes, almost sure tew part the angleworms. I shall think ov yu az long az i liv, please tew resiprokate, when yu remember me, by uttering a tear. I hav taken a kontrakt tew remove the muskeeters from the State ov Nu Jersee, west of the Rocky Moun- tains, tew their new reservashun, and i am anxious tew git the bulk ov them started before they thaw out. I may lose mi life in the imdertakin, but i have bin told by good judges, that it is sweet tew die for ones country. I kant tell whether this iz so or not, i never tried it. Good bye, this kussid muskeeter kontrakt iz wearing on me. FAMILY MEDICINE. Joel Biggs' Sticking Salve. A thing well stuck, iz stuck forever. This salve will stick enny man. It will undoubtedly stick the " coming man." It haz stuck every man that haz cum yet. No family should be without this matchless sticker. (Unless they are too much stuck up allreddy.) It iz put up in sticks twenty feet long, To stick a man at a distance. 31 Days. DECEMBER. 1870. c? <4d • -V co 3 >> a- •L p n V A ?{ Adam had no mother [©] © 2^* simptoms ov a thawness ^ bi industry we thrive it looks like snow Eve born ]ft 8 i shouldn't wonder if it did snow Eve waz a success T^TTS grate sassige riot in 1612© $1 now haul ice $ I£ 50,000 sassige destroyed 5$ a thaw threatens TTJ, Adam waz a confiding man thaw more threat- ensome®he took the chances § colder ^2 6 and got badly beat □ ZZmercury \3 an inch O Q belo zero V\, (g ^O beware of the gout ft QV t HASH OAT TOAST. All the good injuns die young. Mankind love misterys, a hole in the ground excites more won- der than a star up in heaven. Jist about az cerimonys creep into one end ov a church, piety backs out at the other. Blessed are they who hav no eye for a key hole. Don't mistake vivacity for wit, thare iz about az mutch difference az thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug. A coquett in love iz az tame az a bottle ov ginger pop that haz stood sum time with the corck pulled out. BUI THE PEOMISCUSS COCKROACH. The Cockroach iz a bug at large. He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun. The Cockroach iz born on the fust ov May, and the fust ov November semi-annually, and iz reddy for use in fifteen days from date. They are born four from each egg, and consequently they are all twins ; thare iz no sich thing in the annals ov natur, az a single cockroach. Their food seems to consist, not so mutch ov what they eat, az what they kan git into, and often finding them ded, in the soup, at mi boarding house, I have cum tew the painful conclushun, that the cock- roach kan't swim, but that he kan float for a long time. BINTS TEW YUNG WIEES. i. Don't undertake tew liv with yure mother-in-law, but if wuss cums tew a wussness, let yure mother-in-law liv with yu. 2. Never let yure husband kno more than one haff the affeckshun yu hav for him. 3. Don't name a yung one after a bachelor brother, nor a bachelor sister. 4. Observe theze rules fondly, keep yure feet dri, and yure hair slick, and yu will prove a model wife, (and after that), an acceptable widder. 28 Days, FEBRUARY. 1871. Id >*. -*-» a o bo a A ** < M •*o J ru U 3 £ .2 s _ i _ ) o rt fa 1 fa <2 C iVi?«/ gather round the kitchen fire y And pile the chunks on hier and hier y Git out the old fiddle and partners choose, And shake her down in your cowhide shoes. > p II? w History. $1 $1 How doth the little bizzy bee n it snows Aag sting evry good chance he kan git now slaughter wood QSlhazyQM Jo Smith created ©i8i8© sum snow at Mont- real % # Jo Smith manufak- terd mormons n squally 8 out of phools<$ & ]£virtew iz her own paymaster^ bitter cold 2 TL Jo waz not a polly gamist \ 9 % £t sum more coldness © A bully for Jo ^ TTg. grind stuns fust diskovered 1500T raw but cold 9 3 o» Dear girls and boys, take mi advice ', And don* t go on the rotten ice ; For many a gal has fell chuck in> And thus has ketched her final ducking. p *3. I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 15 16 i7 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 3° 3 1 History. Streaks ov wind TUhaul in yure close line £ 9 ifrwindy $ n de gustibus non et cetera 6 t Hjtskey overkastf ignorance iz bliss $ £ bring out yure geese £ $ ^ A cold wind^f and let them March windy windness § use Higinbottoms pills^ $ Til $ wet rain K they are az mild az a juice harp© John Rogers died 1683 **fe .raw *«0;v wind 9 he fell in the fire H $ X ^ 6* now tap for maple sugar yft hi winds © n § life iz uncertain^! CAPER SAUCE. Natur never makes enny blun- ders ; when she makes a phool, she means it. Thare iz sum pholks in this world who spend their whole lives a hunting after righteousness, and kant find enny time tew praktiss it. Human happiness iz like the Hottentot language, enny boddy kan talk it well enuff, but thare aint but phew kan understand it. Grate transgreshuns seem tew baptize themselfs, — if the Devil had only bin gilty ov pettit lar- ceny, he never would hav bin heard ov agin. I dont kno ov enny thing more remorseless, on the face ov the earth, than 7 per cent interest. THE GRITTY ANGLEWORM. Angleworms are ov earth, earthy, and crawl for a liv- ing. The angleworm, tho full of grit, iz not quarrelsome. It is sed (by naturalists) that angleworm ile, rubbed on the back ov the neck will cure a man ov lieing. I don't beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death is the only safe cure (that haz bin diskovered yet) for the falssehood disseaze. Angleworms are used by sum people az an artikle ov diet — (to ketch fish with). They are handy tew put onto a hook, and are dredful handy tew take oph agin, az every wicked person knows who haz fished all day Sunday for daice in a mill-pond. HOUSEKEEPER'S GUIDE. To make boarding-house hash, take a little ov every thing, a good deal ov nothing, and throw in a chunk ov sumthing ; jam to a mux, cook over a kold fire, season with hair pins, and sarve it up on the jump. To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while. To find the solid contents ov a mule's hind legg, feel ov it clussly. 30 Days. APRIL. 1871. i ft s, O ij ,£ 0) i J *, Q o> April phool waz born this month, A simpleton , £«/ clever ; And tho 4000 years ov age, He's just az big a phool az ever. W I s 2 G 3 M 4 T 5 W 6 T 7 F 8 S 9 G 10 M 11 T 12 W 13 T 14 F 15 S 16 G i7 M 18 T *9 W 20 T 21 F 22 S 2 3 G 24 M 25 T 26 W 27 T 28 F 29 S 30 G History. SHRIMPS. i Liquid rain. $ The violet iz blew % showery £ hark! tis the noble bull frog's voice J£t TTj, wet % © jews harps diskovered &r 1296 § now plant gardin sass^,® Cupid born 95 look out for some wetness £, Cupid is a lytle CUSSI& set out onions$( sumwhat wetty® 2 now hath the winter of our dis- kontent ^gentle showers Y3 finally- thawed out^ look out for rain 8 no kardsntzV duz rain If Daniel Lambert was very phatt SI A man with a very small head iz like a pin without enny, very apt tew git into things beyond hiz depth. Thare are menny people in this world who are like flies, grate bores without meaning it, or know- ing it, — " shoo fly." Falling in luv iz like falling into molassis, sweet but dredful dobby. When i see an old man marry a yung wife, i consider him starting out on a bust, for i am reminded ov the parable about mixing nu wine into old junk bottles. A lie iz like nitroglycerine, the best judges kant tell when it iz a going tew explode, and skatter a muss. THE BELLYCOSE GOAT. The Goat iz a coarse wollen sheep, with a cracked voice and a sanguine digestion. They had rather steal a rotten turnip out ov a garbage barrell than cum honestly bi a peck ov oats. They strike from the hed insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit the mark az a bumblebee iz. They are faithfull kritters in the hour ov adversity, and will stick tew a man az long az he lives in a shanty. They kan klimb evrything but a greased pole, and are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stum- mak. What they eat seems tew all go tew appetight. A phatt Goat would be a literary curiosity. PREMIUMS. Awarded to Velosipede Riders in 1870. To Abram Parsons, a premium ov 2>ik dollar for rid- ing a velosipede down the back stairs ov a gimnazium, and knocking out 18 ov hiz front teeth, and distorting hiz noze. o To Nimrod Sturgiss, a copper medal with 9 dollars, and a nu pair ov dorg skin gloves, for riding a velosipede into a mill-pond, and gitting drowned. To Marshall Peaboddy Smith, a puss ov 2 dollars, and a life membership in the mackerel club, for riding a vel- osipede over a nu milch cow, and splitting a telegraph pole from tbp tew bottom. 31 Days, MAY. fcO u ft A T3 M 3 li £ 8. ■n g 4 t CO o» Now plant oats and gar din sass, Yoke geese ; and black snakes kill; Set hens ; set traps for thieving rats ; Set what you please, but don't set still. 1871. crq £) * $ History. PICKLED TONGUE. 4» Dandy lions in market $ Soft and bar my ^ who will be queen 6 #n of May© mildzz it is hard to tell [?] 2 $^s Job waz a pashunt man refreshing wetTL A now ketch frogs warm wetness® Job had biles $ more warmy% tax collektors loafing around © now chew lettuce © hot 2 with rainVl pole yuer beans X fi Noah Webster waz a good speller V sudden rain $ iti^he had bet- ter spells than Billings T expekt rain sprinkles go in when it rains n The man who kant find enny thing to do in this world, iz az bad oph az a yerling heifer. I luv tew see an old person joy- full but not kickuptheheelsfull. Don't lay enny certain plans for the fewter, it iz like planting tuds and expekting tew raize tud- stools. Thare iz no pashun ov the human harte, that promises so mutch, and pays so little az re- venge. Thoze persons who spend all their time watching their simp- toms, are the kind who enjoy poor health. THE MELODIUS CAT. The cat hath been called a domestik animile but i never could tell whyfore. All thare iz domestix about a cat iz, yu kant loze one ; they are as tuff to loze az a bad reputashun iz. Yu may send one out ov the state done up neatly in a meal-bag, and the next morning yu will find him along side ov the kitchen stove reddy tew be stepped on. They are az solium az Mozes, but az phull ov the devil as Judas Iskariott Esq. Thare iz only one thing about a cat that i like, and that iz, they are very reasonable ; a little money, well put, will go a grate way in cats. Cats are very plenty in this world just now. I counted 18 from mi boarding house windo, one moon lite nite last summer, and it want the best kind ov a nite for cats neither. FAMILY NO SHUNS. To pick out a tender goose, pinch him, and if he squeals, buy him. To make good sharp pickles, whittle oph both ends ov them tew a pint. o To find how fur a frog kan jump, set a Frenchman to meazureing hiz jumps. To git the afFectashun out ov a man, make him sea sick, (when a man iz sea sick he iz inclined tew thro up all phoolish things). 30 Days. JUNE. a In this month, more than all the rest, Thingz seem tew jump their very best ; Carrots and yungones, purp and kitten, Like yoner's gourd, are up, and gittin. 187L > I > org ft I History. PARSNIP STEW. I T 2 F 3 S 4 G S M 6 T 7 W 8 T 9 F IO S ii G 12 M 13 T 14 W 15 T 16 F 17 S 18 G 19 M 20 T 21 W 22 T 23 F 24 S 25 G 26 M 27 T 28 W 29 T 30 F ^Now hunt for rozes^ warm hotness\(5 ip the grasshopper iz a burden^ O muggy wetness natur grows $ ^ %hotV\, ||let her grow* now ho korn)$ wet sighns 8 21 ov more rain more grasshoppers bornf^i bet 10 dollars it will rain $ pride goes © before a fallfi * ££© exquisite rainXf Jack and Gill went up the hill ft 1357 T 8 $ hotter c& Jack A and Gill cum down the hill 1358© ©now take it eazyf A kicking cow never lets drive until just as the pail gets phull, — it iz jiss so with sum mens blun- ders. Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazes the whole congregashun, he prob- ably haz preached one that the Lord wont endorse. It aint mutch trubble tew bear the pain ov sumboddy else's lame back, but tew hav the lame back onesself aint quite so stylish. The man who wont beleave enny thing he kant see, aint so wize az a mule, for they will kick at a thing in the dark. THE BRINY CODFISH. The codfish iz the fruit ov the oshun, which accounts for their being so salt. They are good eating for a wet day ; they are better than an umbreller to keep a man dry. They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want freshning a good deal afterwards. If i can have plenty ov codfish for breakfast, i can gen- erally manage tew make the other two meals out of cold water. [A dvertisement.] MELKISIDEK BREWSTERS LIGHTNING ROD. For drawing lightning, theze rods hav grate strength and endurance. They will draw litening from the uttermost parts ov the earth, or pull it in two. Yu may bury one of theze rods 10 foot under ground, and litening will hunt till it finds it. Yu mite az well undertake tew eskape natral deth, or a constable's warrent, az tew eskape litening with one ov theze rods ov yure house. Buy one ov Melkisidek's rods, and if yu haint got enny house tew put it on, you kan set it up at the forks ov the road, and steal all the litening in the naberhood. JULY 1871. C Hornets now are on the wing, Red hot, and crazy for to sting : Oh, don't go ni the tamal kritters ! For they are sure, and ftizon hitters. 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 I 3 14 J 5 16 i7 18 x 9 20 21 22 2 3 24 2 5 26 27 28 29 30 31 History. 6 Ice iz king ,£ Sampson waz a strong man v Jg. meazles diskovered &1600 © hot snakes lively© my name iz NorvalU Lazyness iz a good deal like money, — the more a man haz ov it the more he seems tew want. It iz hard work at fust sights tew see the wisdom in a rattle snake bite, but thare are thousand ov folks who never think ov their sins until they are bit bi a rattlesnake. " A poor, but dishonest cuss ! " — this iz about az low down az enny man kan get, unless he drinks whiskee. Living on hope iz like living on wind, a good way tew git phull but a poor way tew git phatt. It iz human tew err, - lish tew brag on it. - but dev- THE READDY BOOSTER. Roosters are the pugilists among birds, and having no suitable shoulder tew strike from, they strike from the heel. When a rooster gits whipped the hens all march off with the other rooster if he aint naff so big, or so han- sum. It is pluck that wins a hen. Roosters az a class wont do enny household work ; yu kant git a rooster tew pay enny attenshun tew a yungone. They spend most ov their time in crowing and strutting, and once in a while they find a worm, which they make a grate fuss over, calling their wives up from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but jist az the hens git thare, this elegant cuss bends over, and gobbles up the worm. Jist like a man for all the world ! HOUSEHOLD COMFORTS. Tew git rid ov cockroaches, — sell yure house, and lot, and flee tew the mountains. Tew make a slapjax that will do grate service, — cut it out ov buckskin, and fri it tew a koal black on a grease- less griddle. o Tew pick out a good husband ! — shut up both eyes, grab hard, and trust in the Lord. Tew make a kat mad, — trod on her continuashun. 1 30 Days. SEPTEMBER. o> 1871. The carrion crow sits straddle the fence, Trying az hard az he can to weep, Az he thinks ov death and its consequence To spavined hosses and rickety sheep. V <5> I F 2 S 3 G 4 M 5 T 6 W 7 T 8 F 9 S IO G ii M 12 T 13 W 14 T IS F 16 S i7 G 18 M i9 T 20 W 21 T 22 F 23 S 24 G 2S M 26 T 27 W 28 T 29 F 30 S History. ZZ Exquisit and soft wind melts U angels seen bi moonlite fragrant show- ? ersX fust poet born 642 8 limpid tenderness® cam and cool% stars twitter S $ azure twilight wind sow bi sow west plovers meet^ Jfrsoft showers^ and kiss Q harvest yure pumpkins f <^s>slick weather hark! from the tombs a doleful sound %soft wind Tom Corwin waz a wagon boy© tender windses\ $ on linden when the sun waz low CRANBERRY SAUS. Love is like the meazles, we karit hav it bad but once, and the later in life we hav it the tufler it goes with us. The miser who heaps up gains tew gloat over, iz like a hog in a pen, fatted for a show. Most every one seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, bu he kant bear to have enny boddy else one. The man who haint got an enemy, iz really poor. Advise iz like kastor ile, eazy enufT to giv, but dredful uneazy tew take. *TIIE DOOCED MONKEY. The monkey iz only valuable tew look at, and wonder what in thunder he iz a going tew do next He haz not got a Webster head, but hiz face iz a biled down dew drop ov malishus cunning. He resembles the skey ter- rier in the bild ov hiz features, and skratches his head az natral az the school boy, — and probably for similar rea- sons. They are sumtimes kept az pets, but if enny boddy should pet me with a monkey, i should send him right back bi the same person who brought him, marked with Baldwin The Clothiers trademark, — C. O. D. KONNEKTIKUT BLEW LA WS. i. No man must chu enny tobbacko on the sabbath day unless he goes down cellar and duz it. 2. No yung woman haz a right tew be had in matri- mony unless she kan make a good doe nut out ov rhy bran, and one that will keep a year in a damp place, without loseing its twist. 3. If a man gits drunk, he must git drunk on Nu Eng- land rum. 4. No man shall be entitled tew work on the road, or set on the jury, who aint handy with the 10 command- ments. 31 Days. OCTOBER. 1871. 01 f Sweet cider now, and pun kin pize, And maidens fair, and doughnuts greasy . Who wouldn't be a farmer's boy, So phull ov phun, so free and eazy ? B e G 1 2 M 3 T 4 W 5 T 6 F 7 S 8 G 9 M 10 T 11 W 12 T 1$ F 14 S . 15 G 16 M 17 T 18 W 19 T 20 F 21 S 22 G 23 M 24 T 25 W 26 T 27 F 28 S 29 G 3° M| 3i T History. Gentle frost £ % cider invented 1536 sighns ov snow © wind £ shifty t? it may snow, and it may not A calm coldness □ now potatoes diglgwind 8 nor by nor west ? If David slewed Goliar cooler © with a small rock $ hens begin to layX snow squads <£, fold J£lf let it squall who cares 6 U $ Eve waz the first woman Y3 raw cold S © who fooled her man sharp frost '& TT£down with A Q the taxes 8 BEEFSTAKE AND ONIONS. Thare aint but phu men who kan stick a white hankerchief into the brest pocket ov their overcut without letting a leetle ov it stick out, — just bi acksident. A cheerful old yian, or old woman, iz like the ,outh side ov a wood shed, in the last ov win- ter. Men mourn for what they hav lost, wimmin for what they hain't got. It iz very eazy tew repent ov sins we hav committed, but to re- pent ov thoze we intend tew com- mit, iz asking too mutch ov enny man theze days. Pitty costs nothing, ■ wuth nothing. -and aint THE LOAFING RACOON. The Raccon iz a native amerikan. His family con- sists ov one wife, and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree. During the winter he ties himself up in a hard knot, and lays down bi hiz fire side. When spring opens, he opens too, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered. I never knew a raccon tew want enny thing long, that he could steal quick. I hav had tame coons bi the dozen, but i dont advise enny boddy tew cultivate coons ; they want as much waiting on az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more real promt in them, than thare iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie railroad. HOME DOINGS. Tew freshen a salt mackerel, — tow him one summer behind a steam bote. Tew make a man good mad, — starch hiz stockings a leetle too stiff. Tew be one ov the " oldest inhabitants" remember very well, when yung Nebudkenezzer waz a babe. Tew be happy, — eat molasses, and swing on a gate. 30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1871. o .a a The bullfrog haz hung up hiz fiddle, The bug and the cricket are still '/' No more can be heard in the marshes, The musket o fileing hiz bill. » O V3 History. SLAP JACKS. I w 2 T 3 F 4 S 5 G 6 M 7 T 8 W 9 T IO F ii S 12 G 13 M 14 T i.S W 16 T 17 F 18 S 19 G 20 M 2T T •22 w 23 T 24 F 25 S 26 G 27 M 28 T 29 W 30 T Sour andQ (£§f sadv\ grate skassity ov grasshoppers 5 sour and A © chillyx? Brigham Young born 18189 coldQ Brigham was a youngster % snow on the mountains Tin time of peace prepare for war© raw rain ® Q T now lay in a bad cold for winter A If it snows £ the festive cockroach haz fled 6 O winter draws ni £ cold and clammy 1 ^, kats swell with crossness A 5? A dog iz the only thing on this earth that luvs yu more than he luvs himself. Lies are like illegitimate chil- dren, liable to call a man Father I when he least expekts it. A gentleman iz a gentleman the world over, — it iz only the loafers that differ. What men kant do they are very apt tew admire, — they dont criticize a mountain bekause they kant make one. Sekrets are cussid poor proper- ty enny how ; if yu cirkulate them yu loze them, and if yu keep them yu loze the interest on the invest- ment. THE THOUGHTFUL FOX. The Fox iz a literary bird ; he waz a genius long before akedemick honors flourished ; he waz a poet, skoller, and sage, before the days ov Homer and Herodotus ; and in our times he iz the Ben Butler ov diplomacy, and the Brigham Yung ov matrimonial ethicks. The fox haz no moral honesty but he haz got a grate supply of politikal honesty. If another Fox in hiz parish wants a good phatt goose, he will work hard tew git him the goose, and hav- ing cleaned the meat all oph from the subburbs ov the goose, giv hiz politikal friend the bones, telling him with a smile in hiz eye, "that every thing iz lovely and the goose hangs hi" [A dvertisement.] MADAM FILKINS LIQUOR FOR BABES. Cures hooping coff, meazels, pane in the side, mumps, teething, cancer, rickets, redgum, and bawling. Cures gout, hang nails, wont go tew sleep, stummak ake, and want every thing they see. ^ Removes warts, wens, wigglings, an wizenface. Mothers lament for Madam Filkins liquor for babes. Babes bawl for it. Nurses pray for it. Fathers buy it bi the barrell. 31 Days. DECEMBER. 9 O 1 iV^w kil pigs and bucher hens, Murder geese and ducks that quack, Chop down wood, and sassage make, And evenings play — Hylojack. 1871. o of i I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 J 3 *4 *5 16 17 18 *9 20 21 22 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 fc 3i F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G History. #11871 haz about pegged out SI bitter cold® 6 ^Horner waz a good poet eggs dredful uncommon^ grate sno stormVJl $ Congress iz a sitting § &s coldz? but don't thatch out enny- thing g wind north $g* beware of false proffits ice iz from 12 inches to afoot thickv\, g Soloman waz a smart mana $ sighns ov a thaw he waz a good judge ov the sex© colder ^the year drops its curtain 5 the wind moans X farewell my countrymen ip OYSTER PADDYS. One ov the fussyest scenes i ever beheld waz two old maids waiting on one sick bachelor. Revenge iz just az natral to flow az milk, — yu will see little boys club the post that they bump their head against. Opinyuns are like turnips, worth just what they will fetch. Courage without discreshun, iz like a ram with horns on both ends, he will hav more fights on hand, than he kan do justiss to. When yu find a man who iz very solisitus about the welfare ov everyboddy, yu kan safely put him down az one who iz hunting for a misfortune. KALKULASHUNS OVA PR00N08TIX NATUE. Whenever yu see a flok ov geese all standing on one leg, except the old gander, and he chawing hiz cud, look out for a south-west wind tewmorow, or the next day, or the day after, or at sum fewter time. Should thare be cold weather during Febuary, and should roosters refuse to crow, and the taxgatherer forgit tew call on yu, yu will hav tew trust in Providence, and go it blind, for thare aint no man kan prognostix what will cum next. Whenever dogs are seen travelling around with nothing to do and old maids refuse their tea, and hop vines wont klimb, and grind stuns wont grind, then yu may expekt a lite crop ov oats, and beans wont pay for harvesting. If the sun rizes in the east, and sets in the west, and the bull frogs sings sams in the marshes, and thare aint no pulling hair in the family circle, things are about az near right az yu can git them. Should there be no dew on the grass, in the morning before sunrise, it iz an infallible prognostix, that thare didn't enny dew fall. Whenever yu see two crows on the railfence, one white and the other black, edgeing up to each other, look out for a nigger in the wood pile. flc<3 UHClEdS l n /%A f /z.. /$£o Vma-G (TV a. MARVIN'S ALUM PATENT STEAM SAFES. ST STANDARD OF THE WORLD. 265 BROADWAY, N. Y. 627 CHESTNUT ST., PHIL A. /6 5 ' , Ajl. ^c^C^u^^ ? a^^^L bosuns, tn^^t Jul cLcr^t C / / /£o—z? S* «€ / /^»l 6IFF0RD, SHERMAN & INNIS, IMPORTERS & MANUFACTURERS OP Dye Stuffs, Drugs, and Chemicals, No. 120 WILLIAM ST., NEW YORK. FACTORIES :— PO'KEEPSIE, N. Y. THE TWELVE SIGHNS BILLINGS' ALLMINAX. [This being: Leap Year the sig-hns of the Zodlak are all on the rampage.] A ries. exklusive. I will emit the munny in a fu daze. No more now from yure loveing friend, Jerusha Sheldon, dauter ov widdo Sheldon, near Spraker's Mill, on the Coshokton pike. HOROSKOPE FOR JANUARY. The yung gentleman born this month will remane a bachelor untill hiz 16 year, and will hav kurly hair. He will finally settle down still, and marry for life. Hiz father will be a grate lover ov phast horses. He will liv tew be over 60 years ov age, and die worth about 750 dollars, klear ov awl debt. The yung lady born this month will kno how tew pla on the pianner, and nit worsted. She will be a blondy, and be near sited, and fall in luv with grate diffikulty. She will finally git wedded tew the man she marrys, and her whole life will be eazy. If she marrys the seckond time her husband will be a dentist or an alderman. ADVICE TEW YUNG KLERGYMEN Dont preach the gospel for less than 850 dollars a year, salary payable quarterly in advance. A congregashun who kant afford tew pay 850 dollars a year, want a missionary more than they do a klergy- man. Be sure and run the church ; don't let the church run you. Az i sed up at the top, git az mutch ov yure salary az possible in advance, for i dont kno ov enny det so hard tew kollekt az a minister's salary, after it once gits kold. 31 Days. JANUARY. 1872. I ^ 9 & •% a A stirring man iz nabor Bush, Yu never ketched him idle ; Six daze he works, and sundaze he Salts geese, and reads the bible. o 3J* ?! > 8 ■R | 8 ¥ I M 2 T 3 W 4 T 5 F 6 S 7 G 8 M 9 T IO W ii T 12 F *3 S 14 G *5 M 16 T 17 W 18 T J 9 F 20 S 21 G 22 M 23 T 24 W 25 T 26 F 27 S 28 G 29 M 30 T 31 W Kalkulashuns. r j Now pik geese Q $ awful hold n $ thou shalt not commit swareing U SI a more sighns ov hold 5$ £p now bruize wood ¥ # iz hold X tfi Jim Sheriden born 1818 1^ ;/cw expekt a thaw g± najim waz a fiddler ^ v * © tliare are no fiddlers in heaven © Maw kontinues * in kase ov doubt, lead trumps ux 5$( M* thaw freezes l£?now mix sassigeT^tt RAMRODS. Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but vanity alwus keeps one I open. Thare iz nothing in this world that a man pays so hi a price for, and gits so little ov hiz munny back, as he duz for Repentance. 1 hav finally cum tew the kon- klushun, if a man kant be born but once, he had better issue pro- posals tew hav it dun sumwhare in Nu England. The only human being on the face ov this earth that I. really envy, iz a lafhng Christian. Men ov little authority are like men ov little strength — alwus anx- ious tew lift sumthing. HOROSKOPE FOR FEBUARY. The man born this month will be good looking, but too mutch prone tew toe in when he walks. He will hav 2 wifes, and a small hand, except when he plays whist ; then he will hav a big one. Hiz fust wife will be kross- eyed, but hiz seckond one will be kross all over. He will hav 4 children, who will all pass through the mea- zles, with grate credit tew themselfs and no disgrace tew the meazles. The yung female born during this month will show grate judgement in sorting her lovers, and will finally marry a real estate agent. She will hav a phew failings ; but who cares? she wouldn't be interesting if she didn't. At 28 she will be a widow, and at stated intervals will be inklined tew gush a little. (For the sake of variety we say, let her gush.) A GOOD FAMILY JOB. (To kure bed bugs.) Bile the bed bugs tew a gravy ; then take equal parts ov sassyfrass rutes and mingle with the gravy ; then find a hoel in the ground that aint occupied ; then pour the gravy into the hoel ; then fasten up the hoel with 2 pounds ov gunpowder ; then tutch off the hoel with a 10 foot poel ; then run like litening. If this don't kure the bed bugs, and the hoel too, they hav both got it the natral way, and kan't be healed. 29 Days. FEBRUARY. 1872. to •a p o» *SV /w Blodget waz an awful brag, Alwus telling sumthing or nut her, — " Square Brown and he kept 60 cows I " The square kept 59, and Sim the tuther. <0 j? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 n 12 13 14 i5 16 i7 18 J 9 20 21 22 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 29 ii T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T Kalkulashuns. ^ Kold, but sharp 9 2 When this yu see, remember me O * sighns ov kold & now puntch fires A ^ weather inkreases © 6 Dave Larkin born 1763 © SI J$ wind north A Dave Larkin waz a hoss jockey |^t snow, mixt with kold a* Dave Larkin delt in saw-hosses © kold, but bitter 9 $ Oh ! cockroach, whare iz thine sting? "j^T kold gits more so now giv in marriage THISSELS. Thare iz two kind ov men that i dont kare to meet when i am in a grate hurry : men that i owe, and men that want to owe me. Jokes are like butternuts. To be good, they musn't be cracked flatways. It iz just az natral tew be born poor az tew be born naked, and it iz no more disgrace. Truth iz like the burr docks on the end ov a cow's tail : the more she shakes them oph, the less she gits rid ov them. I think young coxcombs end their lives az old slovens. HOBOSKOPE FOE MAR OH. The man born this month will be inklined tew blow a little. He will be a domestik man, and will kno how to rok the kradle and pare potatoze. He will marry the only daughter of a widdo, and will be a good judge of mothers-in-law. He will die about the usual time in life, and leave a house and lot, with a small mortgage on it. He never will run for offiss but once, and then will git beat. o The woman who appears this month will be an old maid till she is 20 years old, and then will sudenly put a stop tew this kind ov bizzness, by investing in a yung man. She will be a good housekeeper, and kno how tew make a plum puddin, with the plums left out. She will hang on to her buty till she iz about 45 ; after that, she will hav to take her chances. [Advertisement.] Professor John Spruce (graduate) begs leaf tew inform the citizens ov Pordunk village that he will open a school for male yung men, over Nikodemus Bradley's waggon shop, in whitch will be taught the nobel art of chawing gum, in all the hier branches. Private lessons administered tew yung ladiz at their boarding-house. The Professor pledges himself tew teach, in six easy lessons, the gum-chawing science tew a spot. N. B, low. -Seckond hand gum alwus on hand, for sale 31 Days. MARCH. 1872. o d i K rt 1 ru ,9 yi *■ W) .a Klam soup diskov- ered 1500 JJL sighns ov wind Q Jim Pettybone created 1 312 © © Jim waz an intemperance man [(o)] mutch wind «^p Jim Pettybone died 4 wind grows TTj, Jim died ov the triangular lemons 6 fresh, but windy fe now dig angle- worms $ wind rizescQ&* Lafayette waz a friend to this land $ \3 tfi wind inklined tew be windy S3 Q Tom Hyer waz a pugilissimus [§§] CODICILS. To work iz the grate law ov natur. If the woodchuck ever dont bild enny hole, he wont hav one. It iz true he may steal one ; but then sum other wood- chuck will hav tew dig two. Thare are folks who dont do enny hard work but watch their simptoms. I hav saw dogs akt just az sensibel. I hav saw a rat- tarrier watch the simptoms ov a knot-hole in a board-fence all day, for sum rat tew cum forth, and no rat didnt cum forth. I alwus did admire the malice ov the mule. If a freak ov for- tune had made me az misfortunate amung men az the mule iz amung animilds, i would begin tew let drive at things a mile an a haff off. HOROSKOPE FOR APRIL. The man born this month will hav a liquid tempra- ment, but not necessarily inklined. tew licker. Hiz grate aim will be tew git married ; and he will git hiz bird, bi marrying a butiful and also good-looking wife. They will liv happy az two lambs, and leave one son, whom they intended should be president ov the United States, but who very wisely konkluded tew be a merchant taylor. The lady born this month will hav blew eyes, and a full set ov teeth. Her heart will be az tender az a porter- house steak. She will keep a lap dorg, who will hav weak eyes, and whose christian name will be Fanny. She will die and leave a bed-quilt, which will go down tew posterity, with upwards of 7 hundred blocks in it. [Advertizernent.'} JOB SARGENT'S ELENSING SOPE. Job Sargent, being ov soimd mind, and expressly afrade ov the devil, dont hesitate tew say that his klens- ing sope will take the spots oph from everything. 1 st. It will remove the spots from a coach dog in 3 daze. 2d. It will take the spots oph from a ten ov dimonds in 15 minnits. 3d. Kan the leopard change his spots? — i answer it kan, bi using Job Sargent's only klensing sope. 4th. Persons ov a spotless reputashun, and anxious tew keep so, will never be without this sope. 5th. Job Sargent never told a lie — so did George Washington. 30 Days. APRIL. 1872. tn £ o H T 5 o d r±4 O V M fl a ■^ o .a « ., a l ^ sloven farmer waz old Snyder ; He spent his time a drinkin syder. Together he worked a cow and muel, And never sent his boys tew skewel. K3 CU #. o g K u a o R i-H s - 5 M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T w T F S G M T W T F S G M T Kalkulashuns. T\, Now sort yure rats $ sum rain sow yure hoss- radish n 3 © yfo/, but wet £ hoss-radish iz a smart vegatable ^ 6- Bill Kurtis born 1749 6 9 © 1 1 sighns ov rain \ \ Bill Kurtis had a wodden leg $1 £ mild, but pleazant i&\ now bury beans K % warm wet S beans are a joyful krop D n wind soft A thou shalt not steal 6 more wet g plant pickels for arly cow- kumbers $ 1C c^ soft breezes <& now lend umbrel- lers fc warm, but sunny JUNE. 1872. Mary Moore iz a farmer* s lass, She's winsum az a pozy ; The chap who ketches Mary Moore, Wont be no kuntryjosey. tr <* n' | P o n — > bd tJ> ft a ~^> 3 n o o o o o p LL H 5 If" ® 5 I 2 3 4 S 6 7 8 9 [O n 12 ?3 14 IS 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 S G M T VV T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G Kalkulashuns. $, Sweetly warm TTJ, now grab roses & frequent wet £3 John Smith born in the year 4 dr» A p 1 .Q cy Come, farmers all, both grate and small, The fields with yello grain are wavy ; Bring out yure boys, and laffing galls, And make the bukweat cry Peccavy. 3 m O i T 2 F 3 S 4 G 5 M 6 T 7 W 8 T 9 F IO S ii G 12 M i3 T i4 W IS T 16 F i7 S 18 G i9 M 20 T 21 W 22 T 23 F 24 S 25 G 26 M 27 T 28 W 29 T 30 F 31 S Kalkulashuns. © Hot % n g± Pete Whetstone born 956 $l g S| hotter £ © Pete waz a bare- bak rider g © thunder and litening \\ ffff $$ Pete rode the fust bear jp ^ JJl /$fo/ with rain Q Q kane kilt able a 2 a) 13 I SEPTEMBER. 1872. Deakon John Jones waz a plus man, But for one thing I kant lend praze ; ' Twas asking pardon bekauze he swore, When his old ra?n knokt him end waze. 3 1 H cr CD n 7? vj 1 n ET B' CT g A rr n' 1 o H (T> o 6 ^ P- o Br" p p 3 4| © G I 2 M 3 T 4 W 5 T 6 F 7 S 8 G 9 M IO T ii W 12 T *3 F 14 S 15 G 16 M i7 T 18 W J 9 T 20 F 21 S 22 G 23 M 24 T 25 W 26 T 27 F 28 S 29 G 30 M Kalkulashuns. I£ Mild, but gentle $ Abram Tucker born 16942 @ M 5 Cfi © 1 o H=S < eu T3 3 X! U o a ^5 A G | i cy Bukwheat kakes this month lay in, Eat freely of pork and sassage; Theze things kind Heaven givs to us, Who in this world works our passage. ■♦o K" •8 ¥ *> I T 2 W 3 T 4 F 5 S 6 G 7 M 8 T 9 W IO T ii F 12 S 13 G 14 M i.S T 16 W i7 T 18 F *9 S 20 G 21 M 22 T 2,S W 24 T 25 F 26 S 27 G 28 M 29 T 30 W 31 T Kalkulashuns. # Kloudy, but cool 8 Joel Briggs born 1837^ # warmer § © Joel Briggs waz a tin pedlar beware ov grass widders $ ess snow on the mountains I£ now count yure rats O sharp frost last nite ^ $ °f> whiskee iz a non konduktor $1 TT£ j-«0w /#/& A £ biled sassage iz good for the tooth ake 6 4* ? A wind bracing ^ r£j now enquire for cider g $ 8 Enok waz translated © "jJT ft /#w(y $ * so waz Homer translated £ ^ /^oor PRINTS. If i had a boy whoze hair wouldnt part in the middle, i would bedew that hair with a parent's tear, and then giv up the boy. Hurry and dispatch are often confounded, but they are az un- like az the habits ov the pissmire and the ant. Thare aint but phew men weak enuff tew admit their jealousys ; even a disgraced rooster in a barn- yard will git a lee tie further off and begin tew crow up a new reputashun. Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty work ov wisdum ; tharefore I dispize it. ROROSKOPE FOR NO VEMBER. The gentleman born this month will be a hard worker, but phond ov old wine. He will forgit tew pay sum ov hiz debts, but will hav a blue eye, and be a good singer. He will marry between 18 and 45, and be an excellent judge ov hash on toast. He will liv a grate length, and reach deth by a cirkuitous route. She who cums tew see us this month will be az wel- kum az a dandy lion in the buzzum of winter. She will be a dutiful dauter, a warm-harted sister, a tender mother, and a handsum wife — (Kind Heaven ! send us az menny ov this sort az convenient.) ADVICE TEW TUNG DOKTORS. Hire an offiss on the main street of the village, and stay in the offiss. When yu do go out, alwus go on the jump. Dont never talk mutch on enny subjek, but alwus look kussid misterious. Seldum go tew church, but when yu do, alwus leave before the church duz. Charge everyboddy like thunder and litening. If yu pholler theze rules clussly, and don't suckceed, yu kan kum tew the konklushun that the doktrine bizz- ness ain't so good as it waz last year. 30 Days. NOVEMBER, 1872. 6 * 9i 5* A. o o* 7^^/ w/M sno7v Y3 © now psalt sheeps ^ wind bights A multiplika- 0000000 shun table diskovered 12 15 g Q 000000000 /# +o 2 a- ^ A. 1872. -8^ 9 I 2^ » The farmer leads ait eazy life, 12 hours a day ends hiz labors ; Evenings pares apples for cider sass t Or hauls over the coals hiz nabors. g TBI I G 2 M 3 T 4 W 5 T 6 F 7 S 8 G 9 M IO T ii W 12 T r 3 F 14 S *5 G 16 M 17 T 18 W T 9 T 20 F 21 S 22 G 23 M 24 T «5 W 26 T 27 F 28 S 29 G 30 M 31 T Kalkulashuns. O A Kcld and snowsome 71 ^ Yankee doodle born 1659 • © mutch hold 7n«\ /Rasv^ th S-ec WL jbtnrr, Jul?' YtrtfZu^ruy%, J?/- /&, Z^s, Jos* JdoUwG?,. EVERETT HOUSE, UNION SQUARE, NEW YORK. KERNER & WEAVER. CLARENDON HOTEL, Table d'Hote, or a la Carte. 4th. Ave. and 18tli St., New York. C. H. KERNER. 6 t/ A-tfy\r S<-*si<^- Tv-^e © now the spark sparketh % expeht a thaw % $ -*- Jake Disbrow -i~ X died 1824. X KODFISH BAWLS. The intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in drinking yung hi- son tea together, and compareing gouts and rumatizms. One ov the most reliable proph- ets i kno ov, iz an old hen, for they don't prophecy enny egg, untill after the egg haz happened. I kno ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into a river, they would want tew float up stream. Politeness iz not only the cheap- est, but the most powerful argu- ment I kno ov. Money well spent iz well in- vested. FEBUARY MISSCELLANY. TAURUS, THE ZODIAK BULL. One ov the best behaved animiles in the whole zodiak is Taurus the zodiak bull. He is alwus laying down flat sunning himself. He dont hav ennythin'g tew employ hiz mind with only in fli time. Fli time iz alwus a bizzy time with Taurus. The bull down here nowdaze iz a sour headed old codger who goes swareing up and down the turnpike about sumthing, but in the daze ov Virgil he had golden horns, and poetry in hiz veins. Menny folks hav asked me what on earth they wanted a bull in the zodiak for, and i hav always sed, it waz just az necessary az tew hav bulls in Wall street. This always seemed tew satisfy their questions prodigiously. Taurus governs the nek in the sighns ov the zodiak, which haz giv rise to that tender, and klassikal sentiment, called " bull necked" PERSONALS. Dear One. — Enklosed please find 10 Dollars — if you kan. Richard. ******* Kum home ! kum home ! mi dear husband, i freely for- giv yu for all i hav did. Betsey. ******* Waz .the lady in blue, who trod on the gentleman's toe in gray, in the 8 th avenew kars last frida nite corned, or waz it the toe that waz corned ? — References exchanged. Pedro. 28 Days. FEBUARY. 1873. □ a Joel Briggs a pedlar waz, A pedlar ov renoun, He dell in tin tvare and silch, And druv from toun tew toun. i 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 !9 20 21 22 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 S~ G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F Diagnosis. TT£ % Goose yokes fust discovered 165 1 Kold and shivery ZZ g $ Jane Brown born 1826 y& ® © Snow falls Miss Jane Brown waz a woman's righter H 4& much koldness 7fr now pan out slapjax O ^fbig sito storm Pete Murdok died 952 £ very raw A $ (f) Pete Murdok died ov a broken harte [(ft)] sour rain *^t Pete Murdok broke hiz harte trieing teu lift a meeting house <3 % ¥ more hold Y3 KREAM PUFFS. If i had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best ov them " Doubt- full," and all the other 3 " Use- less." Take all the phools and good luk out ov this world, and it would bother the. rest ov us tew git a living. Thare iz az mutch difference between wit and humor az thare iz between the ile and the essence ov peppermint. Whiskey friends are the most unprofitable ones i kno ov, they are alwus reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu git reddy tew drink with them, they aint dry. Ridikule that aint true haz no partikular power. MARCH MISSCELLANY. . CANCER, THE ZODIAK KRAB. Cancer iz a hard sheld krab, and haz 2 sets ov leggs, which are lokated on the starbord side ov their pussons. Cancer travels on hiz muscle, and thare aint no individ- ual sighn in the zodiak ov hiz size kan whip him. I hav studdyed the krab clussly, and et him sloiy, and I dont kno him yet. Crabs bight with their feet, and hang on like the rumatiz. Biled krab is good but a man must eat them bi the day, he would starve to deth eating them bi the job. Krabs are kaught bi tieing a knot onto the end ov a string, and dropping it down into the water whare the krab iz, and when yu haul in the string, perhaps yu hav krab, and perhaps yu hav knot. This iz the way a grate menny things in this world are not kaught. In the zodiak Cancer rules the brest. I should rather hav a blis- ter plaster in mi buzzum than a krab or a cancer. WANTED BI A MIDDLE AGED MAN. Enny one having a helthy goose, ov good moral karak- ter, will hear ov a purchaser by addressing Solaman Wainscote, Pordunk P. O. The goose must be broke tew eat grass. One that knoze how to lay 2 eggs a day prefered. If the goose should be a leetle tuff, no matter. What we want iz a smart goose, no kussid phool goose wanted. 31 Days. MARCH. 1873. O *0 JC O 0/r I w « i P X 33 T I 2 W 3 T 4 F s S 6 G 7 M 8 T 9 W IO T n F 12 S *3 G 14 M 15 T 16 W i7 T 18 F x 9 S 20 G 21 M 22 T 23 W 24 T 25 F 26 S 27 G 28 M 29 T 30 W Diagnosis. Q Jg. Grecian bend revived 1864 © sighns ov spring $ mm T -•■"" the cockroach cometh up like a flower #* © liquid rains frogs now warble H © © $ j-7tf THE ZODIAK SKORPION. Next to the hornet, the skorpion seems tew me to be pretty mutch all ded loss. I never had mutch faith in enny kind ov a kritter who waz bilt only tew bite. Skor- pions do the best in a hot naberhood. If a man should take all the skorpions in the world up into the northern part ov Nu Hampshire he would loze money on them. They wouldn't thaw out thare in time for bizzness. I never hav seen a skorpion only in the zodiak, and i aint sorry for this. If thare should ever be a fite in the zodiak i hope it will be krab and skorpion. This would be a fite in which no one would care whitch whipt. I kant tell yu just now how the skorpion got aboard ov the zodiak, but bi looking at hiz piktur i should say he stood 2 good chances tew do it, one waz tew enter hed fust, and the other waz to change ends and go in that way. FOUND. A malteese soprano kat, about 12 months old, singing old hundred on a picket fence, late last thursda nite, whichever person owns sed kat will find him (or her, ac- cording tew circumstansis) in a vakant lot, just bak ov our hous, still butiful in death. ALSO, Found an old blew kotting umbrel worth nothing, in place ov a nu silk one worth 12 dollars and fifty cents, if the person who lost the blew kotting umbrel bi finding the other one, hasn't had time enuff yet tew repent ov hiz blunder, 60 days longer will be granted him tew weep over the ackcident. 14 31 Days. % o a MAY. Joel would swop for enny thing, Tin ware for rags, or brass, Jews harps for hats, brooms for beans, Wood bowls for apple sass. 1873, o a *l V3 I T 2 F 3 S 4 G 5 M 6 T 7 W 8 T 9 F IO S ii G 12 M 13 T 14 W IS T 16 F i7 S 18 G !9 M 20 T 21 W 22 T 23 F 24 S 25 G 26 M 27 T 28 W 29 T 30 F 31 S Diagnosis, $ Lap dogs diskoverd 1310 $ $ O O © mild and tender ft &\ $, Kaptin Kidd was a pirate f t t & plaintive showers ^ © Kaptin Kidd sailed he did [(ft)] ^ j^t/V wind I£ V3 J£ A now mux in the garden £ |^ "^ Q Horace Greeley born 1 812 r$J «/^/ r^2^j ^ v ,£? >fc S? now prepare for dandyljons TT|, £ wind south £ Horace Greeley iz a Tribune © Q TT£ ;/^^<^/ showers 8 now sarch hens for eggs O 6 ^ warm and pretty c9 ^» 6° frogs have come soft winds |gj Homer waz quite a poet 3£l 1^ A-<9ZZ> 67^*7. I don't kno az i want to bet enny money, and give odds, on the man who iz alwus anxious tew pra out loud every chance he kan git. ^_ A reputashun for happiness wants az mutch looking into az a reputashun for honesty. When a man duz a good turn just for the phun ov the thing, he haz got a grate deal more virtew in him than he iz aware ov. Next tew the man who iz worth a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz the man who don't kare a kuss for it. Self-made men are most alwus apt tew be a leetle too proud ov the job. 15 JUNE MISSCELLANY. KAPRIKORNUS, THE ZODIAK GOTE. Kaprikornus the zodiak gote iz a sheep with hair on him, and kan eat enny thing he kan swallow if it chokes him. They infest all over kreashun, but are thikker in the upper part of Nu York citty ackording tew popula- shun than otherwise. Their principal bizzness is tew fite, and giv milk, they average about a^quart ov milk, and four knokdowns a day. They kant klimb a greast pole, but kan kreep up the side of a rok az natral az a wood-bine kan. They hav a krak in their foot, and also one in their voice, and a mustash on their bottom lip. Aries and Kaprikornus are the two buts ov the zodiak. In the zo- diak Kaprikornus governs the kneeze, and people born under this sighn are apt tew be knok kneed. LOST. A bright bay poodle dorg, 5 dollars reward, ov a warm natur, and no questions asked, with one white foot behind, will be paid for hiz return, when he stole away, with flow- ing ears, or waz strayed by sumboddy, answers tew Kris- topher Kolumbust, with a brass colar, exchange papers pleaze copy, and haz a frantik tale. 16 30 Days. JUNE. £ * £ 3 £ /for/ 7c/#£ # haravan, Piled hi with every hind Ov dihker yu kould name, Besides sumthin hitched behind. zz ft G I 2 M 3 T 4 W s T 6 F 7 S 8 G 9 M IO T ii W 12 T 13 F 14 S *"5 G 16 M 17 T 18 W 19 T 20 F 21 S 22 G 23 M 24 T 25 W 26 T 27 F 28 S 29 G 30 M Diagnosis. £* Now snatch % cowcumbers sighns ov hotness & © Mark Twain born 1839 J# a & hotter 9 Mark iz a mello •%. kuss |Hi Til, showers ov rain Q money iz tite $ $ more warmer Venus waz a hansum woman © (D mutch wet TTJinowdig for strawberrys gentle wetness £? yH Job Potter died 1856 sighns ov thunder 6 Job Potter died ov death $1 (§ //*fc hot grows $ Andy waz a man ov much policy © $ thunder and blixen $ now bull frogs rejoice £B wind south $1 © © n hot grows bigger ft Julia Pragg bora $1 1830 wind shifty Julia waz a laun- dress XX 8 hot- wind Q now the duk quaketh ^ ^ CD #**££ to/j/ 5$ 6 behold the <5 grasshopper ]JJ $ j«w lightning ft love lies bleeding "^ 31 ilf/ZAT TOAST. Suckcess iz quite often like falling oph from a log, a man kant alwus tell how he kum to did it. Most enny boddy thinks they kan be a good phool, and they kan, but to play the phool suc- cessfully, aint so natral. I wouldn't undertake tew kor- rekt a man's sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 cor- ners, when i didn't kno miself which waz the right one. The truly great are alwus the eazyest tew approach. SEPTEMBER MISSCELLANY. SAGITTARIUS, THE ZODIAK BOMAN. Sagittarius iz the William Tell ov the zodiak. He lean hit an apple on the top ov Virgo's hed 200 paces oph, and not only halve the apple into quarters, but knok the seeds 27 different direkshuns. He wins the cigars at all the target excursions in the zodiak. In shooting at a mus- keeter once who had lighted onto the tail ov Leo, he aimed a leetle too delikate, and dekapitated the dorsal extenshun ov Leo. This waz looked upon bi all the other phellows in the zodiak az a supplementary shot. Leo waz laid up in the horsepittol for 6 months, but hiz codicil grit out about 2 foot more than it waz before. Sagittarius iz the comik genius ov the zodiak, and on fourth of Julys shutes pennys oph from a stik, injun fash- ion. In the zodiak sighns Sagittarius oversees the thighs, but for what I dont seem tew kno. FOR IMMEJIATE AD OP SHUN. A mail child, Eleven months old, well broke tew the bottle, 9 teeth kut, lite sunset hair, without spot or blem- ish, no parents ov enny ackount, hard tew kry, dont bite, shows sighns ov genius, and haz had wackshination. Enquire within. 30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1873. SB > a When puter knives ivent oph slo, yoel waz a kunning kuss 9 He could just turn to and swop An old /toss dredful cluss. o © u I M 2 T 3 W 4 T 5 F 6 S 7 G 8 M 9 T IO VV ii T 12 F 13 S 14 G 15 M 16 T 17 W 18 T J 9 F 20 S 21 G 22 M *?> T 24 W 25 T 26 F 27 S 28 G 29 M 30 T Diagnosis. * It iz fall 2 °p warm but ten- der $ now the leaves fall 5$ butiful weather © Sam Jones born 1900 V3<®i £ TTj, mild but lovely O Sam Jones was a clam hunter ft % SI T warm rains Gs now the hog rooteth § So with Joel when he swopt Horses for a balky mule. 1873. P* S ¥ * I w 2 T 3 F 4 S 5 G 6 M 7 T 8 W 9 T IO F ii S 12 G 13 M 14 T »S W 16 T i7 F 18 S *9 G 20 M 21 T 22 W 23 T 24 F 25 S 26 G 27 M 28 T 29 W 30 T 31 F Diagnosis. A ® Whiskey invented 1612 8 frosty ft A whiskey iz very proud spirited © If d I J rot* I II f Kats are a kumfert © $ £00/ <$r» eQ frogs quiet 4 wind north % © cider haz cum 5$ iV r*K«j Diogonese lived in a barrell m © now chonk apples "5 HAISTI PUDDIN. Thare aint nothing that iz a sure kure for lazyness, but i hav known a seckond wife tew hurry it sum. It iz the suprizes ov life after all that give it its zest, — even a rat makes things interesting bi the natral suddenness with which he cums out, or goes into hiz hole. Real good lies are gitting skarse. The greatest problem ever given tew man to solve, and the one which he haz made the least pro- gress in, iz "know thyself." 25 NOVEMBER MISSCELLANY. — ; o: — # LEO, THE ZODIAK LION. Leo iz the only real lion that haz been allowed tew run around loose amung folks. Thus far he haz abstained from human flesh. Thare iz a report in the zodiak that he and Taurus had sum words about 1 5 thousand years ago, but i kant git hold ov the fakts in the case. Leo waz born in the smart little village ov Numidia in the state of Africa, ov unknown parents, and iz now 260 thousand years old. Leo will j)robably end hiz days in the zodiak, and i hav looked at Leo's piktur in the zodiak gallery and dont hesitate tew rekomend him az a good job for all in search ov a disinterested lion. The lion iz like an auckshioneer in ^one respekt, hiz grate strength lays in hiz jaw. In the sighns ov the zodiak Leo akts on the heart, and this ackounts for the human heart being so tuff. Next to the gizzard, the heart iz the tuffest piece ov meat in the whole human kritter. EXAMININ A PORDUNK VALLEY RALE RODE KONDUKTOR. President. Have yu a gold kronometer worth' 300 dol- lars? Konduktor. Not mutch ! President Do yu keep a trotter ? Konduktor. Not enny ! President. Hav yu enny dimond rings ? Konduktor. Nary ! President. Do yu own a fiteing dog ? Konduktor. Nothing ov the sort ! President. How much bank stock have yu got ? Konduktor. Not a red ! President. We shant want yu, — the Pordunk valley rale rode haz got done furnishing konduktors with these things. 26 30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1873. u ru 1 J Tl Tl d d rt 0-. s .u *9 > > "^ !> to / CHOPS. Whenever yu see a dokter who alwus travels on the run, yu kan bet he iz out ov a job. It iz a grate deal eazier tew be a philosopher after a man haz had hiz dinner, than it iz when he dont kno whare he iz a going tew git it. Wit without wisdum- iz like a song without sense, it dont pleaze long. I dont bet on prekoshus chil- dren, the huckelberry that ripens the soonest iz alwus the fust tew dekay. The bulk ov mankind are mere imitators ov poor originals. 27 DECEMBER MISSCELLANY. GEMINI, THE ZODIAK TWINS. I have asked several literary people if they would tell me whoze two children the Gemini waz, but they all shook their heds, and begun tew whissell. Maybe they thought i waz a kondem phool. I would just like tew know all about this. Thare iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and them iz twins. The zodiak twins are a kupple ov nice little phellows, if their piktur aint mistaken on the subjekt. I never hav saw them only in their pikturs. Twins are two very interesting acksidents tew happen in sumboddy elses family, but one twin at a time suits me the most. In the zodiak sighns, the Gemini akt on the arms. I have alwus noticed that when a person haz twins the sighns are in the arms. CLASS IN METAPHISICKS STAND UP. Teacher. Which iz the most stubborist animile ? Skoller. The klam, he wont budge a bit ! Teacher. Who iz the most open gaited animile ? Skoller. The swine, he kan open enny kind ov a gate ! Teacher. Which iz the most sure footedest animile ? Skoller. The mewel, he kan hit a man twice in a seck- ond 10 foot oph. Teacher. Who iz the most foolishest animile ? Skoller. The goose, he dont kno enuff to go in when it rains. Teacher. Class in metaphisicks may set down. 28 31 Days. DECEMBER. 1873. 1 to *0 i« 3 ,* We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. & Mrs. David Jibboom, their respektibility iz now fully established, having appeared on the avenew with a two hoss carriage, and a slitely coloured driver, with a velvet hat band, and two rows of brass buttons. The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel col- oured eyes. ********** Matilda O'Brigham, four days in her last place, with a karakter, will receive proposals at her residence in makrel row. No objekshuns to going into the country for the summer az companyun tew a lady provided suitable ref- erences are given. Lessons on the piano will be taken instead ov the usual presents expekted from the family. 30 tf }J~ /ifyT^. ' La ^?X ^y^^^ %: Ccssi^T T. KIRKPATRICK, No. 889 BROADWAY, COR. 19th ST., NEW YORK. |iinmft || J 3tcliei S |ra |qw dry. DIAMOND SETTING A SPECIALTY. <&n^ PARK AVENUE HOTEL, PARK AVENUE, 32c! 5c 33d STREETS, NEW YORK. The only absolutely Fire-proof Hotel in New York. Unsurpassed in Furniture and Appointments, peculiarly adapted to the Comfort and Convenience of Families and Guests. Board, with Single Room, $3 per Day. Parlors at Equally Low Prices. The location being on the line of the New York Central, Hudson River, Harlem and New Haven Railroads, this Hotel presents Special Advantages to Ladies and Gentlemen visiting the City either for a day or longer. HENRY CJL.A.IR, Manager. TWELVE ANSESTRALS SIGHSS BILLINGS' ZODIAC GALLERY. 12 II 10 KEY TEW THE ABLTV PERFORMANSE. Adzephameniahjehomelksephatisideksoldutermanonomyporandkbe ajamainskaekleluksiasetiksnebumusdkenehzzeranmidlkbillings. SIGHNS AND WONDERS FOR YEAR 1874. THE Whenever yu see a yung man hanging around a korner grosery, and drinking 3 cent gin every time he kan git enny boddy tew ask him, yu kan make up yure mind that he haz bin unanimously nominated for the stait prizon, and will probably git his elekshun. Whenever yu see an old goose setting on a post hole, and trieing tew hatch the hole out, yu kan cum tew the konklushun that she is strikly a one idee goose. Whenever a forlorn kat gits under yure windo, in a hot nite, and begins tew holler, yu may kno that kat wants sumthing, — killing, probberbly. Whenever yu see a dog stop suddintly, in the road, with a flee onto him, and begin tew flea round, and round, after himself, untill he falls down, and rools over, yu will say tew yureself, that dorg iz like the wicked, he fleas, when no man perseweth. =71 OIL OF KONSOLASHUN. The " Josh Billings Allminax" iz one ov our tex books, at the Pordunk Feminine Institoot Mrs. Charity Skidmore, A.M. Medisin Book — Ugh ! ! Spotted tally Chief ov the Pawnees. Full ov thought, full ov pathos, full ov phun. John Brace, L.L.D. It's a big thing, bi Jupiter. Billy Murdok. How spontaneous ! How pathetic ! How preponder- ating ! How ! — How are yu Josh ! Doktor Blake. Oh yu pesky thing, Josh ! yu are too killing. Sally Ann Sprauge. ADAM BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Adam Billings waz the fust ov the Billingses. He waz verry phatt. Little did he dream ov the glorious krop that waz a going tew spring up from hiz sowing. He waz born, az near as i kan figger, about the year 1200, more or less. Hiz temper iz represented az being az even az the figger 2. Hiz habits were az pure az the mountain dew ; he never drinkt enny spiritous rum, nor root eleva- tors. He went barefutt untill hiz 32d year, and ever afterwards luved the naked futt. He waz a good danser, and realized thoze blessed old shake downs, now gone and fled. He waz named after the original Adam, and iz sed, bi them who remember them both, tew resembel him mutch in the kast ov hiz face. He waz too fond ov the marvelous, he wouldn't tell a lie exackly, but he could cum az near tew it, az a swallo kan to a frog's noze, when they skim a mud puddle. Adam Billings iz now ded, i beleave, but if he aint, and this should meet hiz eye, he kant, i think, but admire the square manner in which his luvely relik haz handled his case. Adam Billings didn't leave much reputashun behind him, but what he did leave, is fair tew middling. We nee'r shall see him more. Probably not. Too true. Rather melankolly than otherwise. MORAL. Thare iz naut so hard for grief tew handle, Az the man whoze ribs are phatt 's a kandle. 31 Days. JANUARY. 1874. o & N fcJJ Of J>CDU)snC iSCHOOU .9 R £ S- In Pordunk town thare lived a man t A man ov small posses hion 9 Hezekiah Birch waz hiz name, A teacher biprofeshun. I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 J 9 20 21 22 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 3i T~ F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S Kronollogy. KINDLING WOOD. 5 Q Now hold weather IX = TFJ1 haz froze 1§L (J» p£> the tender bull frog (5r» ^ j£i * Q up solid © n and the melodious goose iz hush fg* $ in stillness # @ and the old she kat 3 dreams beneath the £* 5 cook stove X and 6 the luscious slapjax smokes "*? a on the table ft £r * 5 and the Widow Stebbins' 8 SI wood pile grows less % every day 1U © n and the roze that )tf 0£t YS all are praizing iz not the $( roae for ^ <£> ft me (JS^* or enny other man ! ! I Snobs are alwus toadys. Diogoneze hunted in the da time for an honest man, with a lantern ; if he had lived in theze times, he would hav needed the hed lite ov a lokomotiff. A pedant iz like a yung rooster, he crows in season, and out ov season. Thare iz no kure for vanity, gitting thoroly wet cums the near- est to it, for the time being. ZEPHENIAH BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Zepheniah Billings waz a phiddler bi birth and pur- swashun. He also had another natral gift, and that waz tew owe everyboddy. Late in life he quit phiddling, and took up shumaking ; but the world lost a good phidler bi the operashun, and got a kussid poor shumaker. Oh ! 'tis ever thus. At hiz final deth he owed upwards ov 70 dollars, and hiz leavings konsisted ov one old plpddle, and a pint ov bass wood shupegs. He would travel on foot 7 miles tew a kuntry tavern, and phiddle all nite at a kuntry bawl for 75 cents, and owe the landlord two dollars and a half nex morning for vittles and drink. Zeph' was an unprofitable man to know, for he couldn't tend an evening meeting, on Sunday, without running into det to sumboddy. It waz sed ov him, that he waz never known tew shed a tear or pa a det. He died finally, and i presume he was saved ; but he may hav bin lost, for accidents will happen in the uppermost familys. He had a cool hed, and a warm harte. Bless Zepheniah Billings, he was a ripe skollar on the phiddle, and could pla "Tare her down Sal," and sich dear old sweet- savoured things, klean up tew perfekshun. He haz gone now, allass ! allass ! but i am prepared tew say, in the language ov another, "Bully, for yu, Zepheniah!" All flesh iz grass. So iv'e bin told. Funny. Mutch. MORAL. To kure the fidgits and calm the bile, The phiddle iz like kastor ile. 28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1874. .a d rt Of I .T^r twenty long and weary years, He meekly 7Vorkt for others good, And well he taught the distrik shool, Boar din round the naborhood. ¥ e 1 I G 2 M 3 T 4 W 5 T 6 F 7 S 8 G 9 M IO T ii W 12 T *3 F 14 S «5 G 16 M 17 T 18 W 19 T 20 F 21 S 22 G 23 M 24 T 2S W 26 T 27 F 28 S JCronollogy. Now marry © now thrash oats § now «f puntch fires % now ketch rats £2 % now eat H *^ hash TTC J*( now *> grease boots £ . \ • nowpla ^ checkers T now sing sams 5$ © $ A ® now chew gum |§| © now [§§] kurlhair (!) now mux £ 2 sassage 3 now $ jerk wood now kil duks 8 (ft) now kil time [f ] 5 now %&* swop hens A £S * O now yoke steers $ now tell © 1JT £ yarns — now sighn the pledge [?] © now go to bed © PLUM PITS. Human natur iz like cow natur, i hav known them both tew giv a good mess ov milk, and then kik it over. I luv a phool, what little i kno i hav larnt by hanging around them. Munny makes munny. We all ov us take our korn to the ritch miller tew hav it ground. Thare iz two kinds ov wize peo- ple in this world, the wize and the unwize. JEHOSSAPHATT BILLINGS. HIS MEMORANDUM. Jehossiphat Billings waz a very kluss man ; he never waz known tew waste ennything, by giving it away. The grate extravaganse ov hiz life, and the one he never for- got tew speak ov, waz giving 3 dollars towards bilding the Pordunk meetin hous. After he giv the munny, he took such a deep interest in the work on the metin house, that the kommitty waz obliged tew giv him bak the mun- ny to git shut ov him. He swore he'd sue them for the interest on the munny, but he never did. Jehoss' Bil- lings waz one ov them kind ov men who mistake avarice for ekonetny. He died at the age of 63, if i hav sarched right, from an overdose ov klam chowder drank at a free lunch. Jehossiphatt Billings had his phailings, but rek- less extravaganse want amung the lot, he also had his vir- teus, but blind and irrepressible generosity want among this lot neither. He waz buried, without eny fuss, in the year 1286. What has bekum ov him I kant state. Sleep on, Jehossiphat, in thi slumbers. I would like tew say sum more about Jehoss', but i kant without telling the truth. Truth iz sumtimes like a hot pertato, the only way tew handle it eazy, is tew drop it. I will dri up here. The end. Hush ! Lay low. MORAL, The klussest man i ever knu, Waz Deakon Erastus Meggs, Tew save expense, he oft would sett, Hiz pullets on spile-ed eggs. 31 Days. MARCH. 1874. $9 I St /K? sawed the wood and bilt the fires. And while the boys were playing, Hurried, and swept the skool hous out. And dun a little praying. w ft I G 2 M 3 T 4 W 5 T 6 F 7 b 8 G 9 M IO T ii W 12 T 13 F 14 S i.S G 16 M 17 T l8 W 19 T 20 F 21 S 22 G 23 M 24 T 2,S W 26 T 27 F 28 S 29 G 30 M 3' T Kronollogy. *£* © Tell me yee whispring winds <3t when % $1 TT£ tt^ hens «f will lay and © © also tell me 8- whare all ? Q © the modest wimmin are Jft rji 5 Tf tell me # 6 r£i theze things and tell me g T /% true £ and ^ whispring winds 5$ a © Hi x i'llbe $ rrt mutch obliged ^ to yu A SNAPPIN TURKLES. Humility iz cup bearer to wis- dum. Thare iz plenty ov pholks in this world whoze hartes bleed for the poor, but whoze pocket-books never do. The man who iz willing tew help everyboddy (i am sorry to say this), iz willing tew be cheated by everyboddy. If i kan set the fashions for a people, i dont kare who makes their laws. MELKISIDEK BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Melkisidek Billings waz a dandy ov the old skool, and also a lover. He loved the whole entire femail popula- shun. He parted hiz hare in the middle, and did it un- kommon even. He had one grate weakness which grew on him, and that waz the length ov hiz little finger-nale. Historians say that this finger-nale gru tew be a yard in length, but it strikes me that this must be a profound lie. He waz a very punktillious man, in hiz every-day wear, and drest chuck up tew the fashun. Melkisidek hadn't mutch branes, but he didn't need much, for hiz bizzness thru life waz the lover bizzness. Just before he died he marrid, and left one dauter, a sentimental offspring, who afterwards run away, at the age ov 16, with a dan- sing master. Mel' Billings waz ov the nuter jender, he hadn't karakter enuff to do enny hurt, and ov kourse kouldn't do enny good. He died about the right time, anno dominoze, 1695, and waz buried comfortably in the grave yard, at lower Pordunk town. Melkisidek Billings waz mi ansesstor, and that waz kind in him. He had an epitaff on hiz stone which i dont rekolekt ov ever seeing in print before, and for the benefit ov those who studdy theze memorandums i will translate it. " An honest man iz the nob less work ov God" Good, aint it ? Rather ! MORAL. Dandys are a harmless crew, Ov the butterfly purswashun ; Happy with a nektie new, Hero's ov sum small ockashun. 30 Days. APRIL. .3 I 1874. « I In this big, but pekuliar world. Not a friend had Hezekiah, The boys put pins into hiz chair. And water in hiz hair diah. * I I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 15 l6 17 18 x 9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 w T F s G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T w T F S G M T W T Kronollogy. !$ Hark g£ the violet cums .„ """ on tip toze ■" \3 and the yello dandy Q J£ *a ^ lion gilds the sod © and krickets kraul >£ TTJ1 £ from out their holes O © Q and loafers seek the sun S J5( and dogs A tree kats and frogs begin !*r tew jabber $ TTH. 9 and tinkers tramp £? and April phool *f $ rfr n grins at every corner 23 8 ^ & and — hark from the tombs £ © Q a doleful • [!!] sound *f mine ears ^ attend > & "%? H $ the cry £\ r£> and so forth £. ^ QUALE ON TOAST. Sum pholks are like kats, so well ballanced that they alwuss strike on their feet when they fall. Lovers are alwuss defineing their extacys, but they are in no better condishun tew do it, than a drunken man iz tew deliver a tempranse lektur. Silence iz alwus safe. False praze iz the wust kind ov slander. 13 SOLO MAN BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Soloman Billings waz born the 26th ov May, 1322, old stile. He waz knone far and near for hiz chunks ov wisdura, but, like Soloman ov old, he could talk wisdum better than he could do it. This iz the way with all the wize men i hav met lately. Soloman Billings waz a leetle slippery, but he managed tew git thru life without slipping down mutch, and died reazonably well. He waz sed, bi all who knu him, tew be chuk full ov wisdum ; he could tell, bi looking at the egg, how mutch a goslin would weigh before it waz born, and when the best time waz tew set a hen or a gate-post. Sol's mouth waz full ov wisdum ; litening couldn't strike a tree, just for fun, but what he would preach a moral sermon from the tex. He waz dredful sertain ov what he did kno, and want the least bit unsertain ov what he didn't kno. I find in dig- ging down tew the hard pan ov Soloman, mi ansesstor, that he had a grate deal ov vanity, a large amount ov im- pudense, a good supply ov inkredulity, just the things, for all the world, tew make a wize phool out of. He died az aforesed, and i look bak upon him az one who haz de- parted this life. Adew, Soloman, mi ansesstor. Deth iz tuff. Sumwhat ! I will add, quite. MORAL. Wisdum chunks are chunkier far, Than all the chunks that chunky ar. 31 Days. S o MAY. 1874. 8 I 7^ 3$ liberty or 53 *a giv me deth fr^n and what's U the matter with Hannah © © and hav yu heard Q © TIE. that deakon Jones "j*T • 5 £ -3 haz lost a Y3 and wood- $ $ 6 & man Q spare that 1% $ 6 tree and POP KORN. I dont kare what a mans kondishun in life iz, if he iz too mutch for the kondishun he iz a hero. Avarice iz about the only pashun that improves by age. The truly brave are alwus generous. He whom prosperity makes humble and thankful, adversity haz no power over. Id DUTERONOMY BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM, Duteronomy Billings waz a square man. He waz az square az the bloks on a checker-board. He waz just the same kind ov a man in the fall, az he waz in the spring ov the year; yu didn't hav tew winter him tew find out who he waz. He alwus did az he agreed, but waz dredful bakward about agreeing. Duteronomy waz immense in one thing, and that waz the length ov hiz noze. He had more noze ackordin, than enny man in history. One writer ov the eleventh sentury, sez hiz noze waz 8 inches in length, and another makes it a frackshun over 10 inches; i will split the difference, and call it 7. If Dute' waz alive now, i think he would sus- tain mi figgures. In writing theze details ov mi ansess- tors, i am guided bi a luv tew do a square thing, and if i er, it will be all owing tew mi luk. I never waz right lucky since I had the meazles. They took place in the 14th year ov mi age, when i lived with mi unkle. I had them too thik. Duteronomy Billings waz named after old Duteronomy ov bible times, and az ansesstors run, he waz a very good kind ov a one tew hav. He died az he had lived, exackly square. In konklushun i will say lie still dear Dute', yu hav got a square thing. Thare iz force in the idee. I may add, grate force. Very. Indeed. MORAL. Sum men are 5 7^0 kiwered o y er with sich abuse, He never font a gen it, The very wuss that Hez 1 would kuss, Waz the simple word kondemit. 8" z? ft I M 2 T 3 W 4 T 5 F 6 S 7 G 8 M 9 T IO W ii T 12 F 13 S 14 G 15 M 16 T 17 VV 18 T l 9 F 20 S 21 G 22 M 23 T 24 W 25 T 26 F 27 S 28 G 29 M 30 T Kronollogy. ^ Can the leopard change $ hiz name © waz Norval on the Jft. Grampine hills %- he loved not fll wizely but too % menny Q cooks spile n the brakeing ttc wares dashed £, v hi low Jak V3 and Q )fa the game of brag iz good tfci but holdfast iz better 9 ^ O D 8- late than never too old Til, A to learn £ 6 O the luxury ov doing ® good © bye ? sweetheart If and George Q © Washington waz the father Z? ip K ^ ov hiz natiff £ O *** Q land 2 KREAM OV TARTAR. Vice makes a man kunning, virtew makes him wize. The ritch spend their time in kreating wants, the poor in grati- fying them, — the poor are the most sensible. The man who iz the most fraid tew die, iz the one who knows least how tew liv. I had rather be a boy again, than tew be the autokrat ov the world. *i 17 PORKANBEANS BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Porkanbeans Billings lived and throve in the 16th sen- tury. He loved a horse with grate power. He could swop a horse clusser than enny man that imparshall his- tory tells ov. He iz sed tew have swopped Deakon Absolem Featherweight, klean out ov a 5 year old sorrel horse, at one swop, and the deakon waz looked upon az almost insurmountable in a dikker. Not tew disguise the fakt, Porky Billings waz a hoss jockey ov the an shunt daze, one who hung around the village tavern, and alwuss had on hand an old flag- tailed pelter, with a glass eye, tew trade with ennyboddy. I dont feal like bragging ov Porkanbeans az an ansesstor, but i must say, az a horse jockey, (if all reports are trew) i feal proud ov him. I forgot tew state, that Porky left no property. Thare iz a grate deal ov genius in the horse-swop bizzness but fu assetts. Porkanbeans died instantly, sumwhare about the fust ov the 1 7th sentury. He waz struk bi the hind feet ov a mule. Moral karakter even wont save a phello- being from dissolushun, when a mule goes for him with both hind feet at once. Sich iz life. Sich iz the mule. Porkanbeans haz my sympathy, he also haz mi tears, but i dont serpose they will be worth mutch tew him now, he iz too ded. Fairwell old phello-being, fairwell mi an- sesstor. Deth iz our porshun. I think i kan say this without making a phool ov miself. Undoubtedly. Yes. Jiss so. MORAL. Tew swop a horse and not git beat, Iz sumthing nice tew brag on, I tried it once, and that's the time I lost a horse — and waggon. 18 31 Days. JULY. d g T3 O o> PomS BEAtfS V 3*^p> Zto/// talk to me ov anshunt yob, Ov biles he had a plenty, But they were all one breed ov biles, Leasiwize 19 out ov twenty. 1874. > 1 a > I I SB ^ * *d ©P 5 « 3 £ Q I W 2 T 3 F 4 S 5 G 6 M 7 T 8 W 9 T 10 F Ti S 12 G 13 M M T 15 W 16 T 17 F 18 S 19 G 20 M 21 T 22 W 23 T 24 F 25 S 26 G 27 M 28 T 29 W 30 T 3i F Kronollogy. SHOOTING STARS. % Grate hot & SI Billy Buckram died 1304 ^ 3 ML* jarry the V3 news to Mary fi * iti hotter still $? i luv it hot inkreases 1£ $ 9 (5 d i luv it /a still hotter TTl that old arm chair r±i *f ^ awful hot and who shall $ more hot A chide me © cooler U V3 with rain £? •»o £ for luving lightning and thunder $ Jft H that still hot T 5 that 9 Nancy Dodge born © )$ 1786 X old n arm chair $^* © o> wind south mad dogs © TTj, $ O Q seen $ the boy stood on A J O the burning dek mutch weather ® One ov the eazyest things tew hear ov, and at the same time one ov the hardest tew find, iz a ghost. It iz only a step from lazyness tew vice, and a short one at that. Thare iz lots ov people who mistake their imaginashun for their memory. Bashfullness that kant be over- come, iz modesty. 111 * ■ 19 JAMAIKA BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Jamaika Billings waz sed bi good judges ov the artikle, tew be the lazyest man that ever visited this world. At the age ov 14 he waz pronounced bi the doktors too lazy tew ketch flies. He waz named after hiz unkle who had a grate speshiality in the jamaika-rum line, and who could float more ardent speerits, on an evener keel, than enny human kraft in thoze daze. Jamaika lived tew a grate extent; sum say that he waz 160 when he died, and sum put it at 142, but all giv in that he didn't di from enny disseaze, but kind ov lazyed tew deth. He waz born tired, and never outgru it. He marrid at 3 7, but hiz wife left him at the end ov the fust month ov their nupshalls, taking with her all the pussonell affekts, whitch were a kupple ov cedar wash-tubs, and a seckond-hand buggy harness, brass-mounted. Her fust name waz Polly Ann. They never met afterwards, if they did, history dont kno it. Jamak'e Billings didn't hav enny vice tew speak ov, he waz even too lazy for that. He seems tew hav spent hiz life in hanging around places, keeping ragged and phatt on nothing. He died in Old Pordunk, and i sup- poze waz burried, but history dont say so, in jiss so menny words. He waz mi ansesstor, but i kant help it. Can I ? I hav bin told not. Queer. MORAL. I never knu, in all mi life, Enny man tew go krazy, Who alwuss took things setting down, And kultivated hiz lazy. 20 31 Days. AUGUST. 1874. J3 ■a i o a .a ■ I a «( ./?#/ /« Q I The only kind ov konsolashun This man got, ai?it worth a kuss, For 'twas pitty, — and we all kno PlTTY iz but mild disguss. p a o F © 2f I T 2 W 3 T 4 F 5 S 6 G 7 M 8 T 9 W IO T ii F 12 S *3 G 14 M is T 16 W i7 T 18 F *9 S 20 G 21 M 22 T 23 W 24 T 2.S F 26 S 27 G 28 M 29 T 30 VV Kronollogy. % Butiful weather elegant weather \3 ¥ deliteful weather superb weather © $ • divine weather charming weather exquisitt weather >£ emoshional weather £ gorgeous weather * celestial weather * blissful weather as 6 grate weather O fine weather n -8 <© delishur, weather heavenly weather $1 ft glorious weather magnificient 6 ^ Tii 5$ weather g gushing weather V57 sweet weather c exhuberant weather 3 poetick weather fragrant weather I£ 8 luvely weather languishing weather soft weather r£i mild weather £ bewitch- ing weather ^ and common weather Jb KAPER SAUS. Genuine wit dont make a man laff enny more than logick duz. Yu kan buy laming, but wit and wisdum are the gift ov God. Energy iz another name for kapacity. Yung men, like grayhounds, follow by sight; old men, like bloodhounds, follow by track. 23 LUKE BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Luke Billings waz a skool-master ov the Nu England type and shaddo. He waz an uprite and an austere man, az uprite az a sperm kandle, and az austere az hoss- radish. I look bak onto Luke's memoirs and pitty him, for i pitty awl distrikt-skool masters, all mothers-in-law, and all grass widders. Luke Billings spent hiz whole life in the distrik-skool spekulashun, and died az poor az a salt kodfish. . Hiz assetts konsisted ov a pocket-komb and a nu testament. He used tew board round the naborhood, and waz alwuss az hungry az a pikrel. He never had enny friends, nor enny enemys ; he waz like a gide-board in this respek. Luke Billings never got marrid, he hadn't the time tew spare. He waz severely engaged, for 26 years, tew Nancy Burbanks, but they both died intestate. They sleep cluss together, in the old grave-yard, at lower Pordunk. Sleep on ! sleep on 1 dear old virgin couple, and pay no attenshun tew no- boddy. Lukey wore hiz hare long behind, and kept a distrik skool 34 years 6 months and 1 7 daze. Oh, dear ! oh, dear ! Luke i pitty yu. Luke Billings iz an ansesstor that i look bak upon every now and then with my memory, and want tew fite sumboddy on hiz ackount. Fairwell, luvely Luke. Fairwell Lukey. Fair well. Enuff sed. MORAL. From keeping skool, and the pay, Two things pestiverous, I feel az tho' I'd like to say, Good Lord ! deliver us. 24 31 Days. OCTOBER. 1874. 1« o* Much rather would i hav a man, Than offer me hiz pitty. Hit me rite smart long side the hed, For that mite make me gritty. V * I T 2 F 3 S 4 G 5 M 6 T 7 W 8 T 9 F IO S ii G 12 M 13 T 14 W 15 T 16 F 17 S 18 G 19 M 20 T 21 W 22 T 23 F 24 S 25 G 26 M 27 T 28 W 29 T 30 F 3i S Kronollogy. \ {{ About these TTJ, days expekt rain $ $ £ now worry wood chucks T n $ © sighns ov snow :;: A ^ now hurry coons • 2£ *? I£ cooler rfr now "5J? persekute musk rats frost £ ¥ ttl © now TTR. hunt patridge & Q quite kold 8 U now chase quails more snow * now © pester foxes $ 9 (£^~ sour rain ^£| S- now persew "jjT bears ty hard £ frost 2 8 now sarch for JgJ Si 9 ^ elephants c5 £ D more kold © A now go for anakondys O J$ Q freezing X now O prospekt for ^ Behomaths 2 raw kold 9 now dig for mastedons $ now t KONDENSED MILK. The more rare a mans quality s are, the more he will be found fait with, — dust on a dimond iz alwus more noticeable than dust on a brik. Experience teaches a good many things, but dont learn us but a phew. I hav seen old villains who were komparitively pure, they had either worn out their vices, or their vices had wore out them, i dont kno whitch. It requires the gratest ov skill tew hide a weakness. 25 NEBUDKENNEZZAR BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Nebudkennezzar Billings waz an orphan bi birth, and kept a hotel, he did. When yu got fride pork at hiz house, it waz fride pork, it waz. Yu didn't hav a bill ov fare tew tell what it waz, yu didn't. Hiz wife waz smarter than chane litening, and kleaner than a ghost, she waz. Her hash didn't hav enny paving-stuns, nor kart- wheels in it, it didn't. Yu mite az well hunt for the lost tribes ov Izrael on her premises, az to hunt for a kokroach, yu mite. Neb's wife had red hare, and waz bony put together, and could fri pork, tend bar, harness a hoss, trade with a peddlar, and make a gin-sling that could almost talk, she could. Nebudkennezzar Billings waz a pollytishioner, and run hard for konstable in old Pordunk, for menny times, he did. It iz justiss tew hiz memoirs tew state, that tho he run well, the offiss alwuss beat him, it did. He never got elekted, he didn't. How prekarious ! how impekunious ! how transhunt ! Alass ! alass ! Neb' wa^ kreated in 1502, and dissoluted in 1569, and spent hiz whole life in the hash bizzness, he did. Hiz wife waz boss while here on earth, and will undertake tew be hereafter, she will. But she kant, kan she ? She kant Happy it iz that thare iz a thussness in theze things. Thrice happy. Even nobby. That's so. MORAL. Every man thinks he kan keep a hotel, But O ! how delusiv and rash, For thare aint no kind ov bizzness so mixt, Az doing a klean job in hash. 26 30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1874. c Enny man who a skool haz kept Ten years, ( krewel fate allass ! ) Ought tew hav hiz shuze pulled oph t And be turn ed out tew grass. «* tr 3 e ft i 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 J 9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M Kronollogy. tit! Hark ? the ^ g kold wind whissells O £? and V3 the rane ^ drizzles K A and $ as ft the snow 3 phizzles §£d and 9 the fire sizzles (§ n and the <§> 33 iti dogs © "ijr bark <$ and A 9 the boys TTi lark K © V, S ££ TTH. and the kats mew 9 /sn and V3 the kittles stew and the pork ft 2 £? <9 fries 2 and ¥ the mince # tti, pies Q f X t 1=1 &* &* and the ft turkey dies -8 ip ft and the owl dreameth V3 and the goose $ $ X skreameth ( !) and the girls 6 £ 9 r ¥ snikker 9 and the men dikker and GINGER SNAPS. Thare iz, now and then, a man who knows that he iz a phool ; sutch a man iz a hard man tew cheat. I hav known people who waz virtewous just bekauze they waz lazy, they hadn't snap enufT in them tew brake one ov the 10 commandments. I beleave pitty iz more ov an impulse than a principle, for we seldum respekt thoze that we pitty. He who suspekts everyboddy, should be watched by everyboddy. n MUSHANMILK BILLINGS. HIS MEMORANDUM. Mushanmilk Billings waz one ov mi earliest efforts in the way ov ansesstors. He waz begot during the nth or 1 2 th sentury, or thareabouts. He derived hiz name from hiz grate ability tew conquer mush and milk. Titus Odistes, a celebrated writer in thoze days, sez he haz known him tew eat a potash kittle ov puddin and milk, at one sitting. I kant state whether this iz sutch or not, for i never met Mushanmilk personally. He died pre- vious tew mi birth. Titus Odistes also sez, that Mush- anmilk had a very sweet disposishun, how sweet, he dont tell us, but from what i kno ov the latter-day saints, amung the Billings family, it couldn't hav bin quite up tew the best brand ov Nu Orleans mollassiss. He waz sed tew be number One in modesty, and sitch like, but this dont exackly conspire with what i know ov the Bil- lings'es. Cheeck haz alwus been reckoned amung our virtews. In taking a square look bak upon mi ansess- tors, i find that they were rather a thin set. I find that their ambishun waz* the result ov vanity. Their honesty the effekt ov edukashun. Their charity, the luv ov novelty. Their philosophy, able tew bear the stummuk- ake ov others with heroik fortitude, but not worth a kuss in their own ; and their virteus generally, more the growth ov their pride than ov their humility. What a pitty ! Echo answers, "Jiss so." Man iz an angleworm. He iz. Verily. MORAL. Thare aint to-day, so just a vittle, Az mush, — rite hot, from out the kittle. 28 31 Days. DECEMBER. & + j*r£/7S. The more humble a man iz before God, the more he will be exalted, — the more humble he iz before men, the more he will git rode ruff shod. The only really natral thing thare iz about enny man, iz hiz conshunce. Enuff good luk will ruin enny man. Whare thare iz one man obsti- nate bekauze he iz wize, thare iz 4,695,853 obstinate bekauze they are ignorant. Trust in God first, yure nabor next, and yureself last. — Amen. 29 PERSONALS. *,* H. J. B. — If the lady with lavender poodle, would like tew swop dogs, Barney O' Toole iz her man. B. OToole. *,* D. — Dont menshun it ; mum iz the word. Star ov buty, the goose hangeth hi. Lover. *,* Sweetness. — Virtew iz her own cashier ; the violet iz blu ; the racoon haz a bushy tail ; man waz made tew mourn ; meet me at the pea-nut stand. Harrold. *** Spongkake. — Dost luv me? The kold moon listened when yu breathed a vow in Bridget Costello's ear ; dont go back on me Patrik, if thou dost, be jabbers i will hav satisfackshun. Bridget. %* Bill Mustach. — Dont put on airs; how about that box ov 5 cent cigars yu owe for? Yure wash- woman mourns yure abscence. Sam Peel. 30 GET INST If an Accident don' else, and NEW YORK JRED AND KEEP INSURED IN THE mi j^ritatt |0snuB {omguy, OF HARTFORD. t happen to you it may happen to some one your money will help pay the loss. OFFICE, TRIBUNE BUILDING. 10 frwt *i/kj*-f~ A*- Aran* ^ffr 1 "^** NEW YORK HOTEL, 715-727 BROADWAY, NEW YORK. Price of Board and Single Rooms reduced to $3.00 per day, for transient guests. Parlors at low rates. The location of this favorite Hotel is unsurpassed for convenience of men of business, or families sojourning in the city. H. CRANSTON & CO., Proprietors. 11 THE TWELVE SIGHNS THE ZODIAK Head and Face, f Knees. V3 Feet. X DEAR FARMERS. The abuv 12 sighns are now reddy for use, but don't plant korns when the sighn is in the feet, nor milk punch when the sighn is in the kneeze. THE APPLE DUMPLIN. The dumplin are about the natral size ov yure phist, made out ov dough, and filled with apples. They are served up hot, with sum sweet-tasteing liniment on them, and are az eazy to struggle with az a sugar-plum. They aint so good kold az they ought to be. Kold dumplin, and raw potatoe, eat similar. I never et apple dumplin yet, without thanking the Lord for that one, and the Landlady for another one. Four apple dumplins, at one sitting, iz just about mi size. I wish i knu who invented theze kind-hearted balls, i would like to weep over hiz memory. Punkin pi, and apple dumplin, hav dun az mutch to civilize man az enny two missionarys that hav ever lived. Good vittles iz next to good morals enny how. Yu may talk about virtew az mutch az yu pleze, yu kant never inokulate a man with virtew fust rate on an empty stummuk. Giv a man four apple dumplin, with sum good kind ov ointment on them, and after he haz et them, and they hav settled down to hard pan, yu kan krawl up to him on either side, with a dose of mo- rality, or even sum new kind of sope, for taking spots out ov clothes. A STATEMENT. Thare iz nothing about a man that will outlast a nik- name, it will stik to him, az long az a bobtale will to a dog. o Most people repent ov their sins bi thanking God they aint so wicked az their nabors. HEAR THE PAPERS TALK! We would rather be the author of Josh Billings' Far- mer's Allminax for 1875, tnan De elected captain of a malitia company. Coonhollow Demokrat Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the year 1875, is just hatched out; it is like a Thanksgiving pudding, full of rich things ; buy it, and set down in a corner, and read, and be happy once, if you never are again. Boston Pilgrim, We have a copy of Josh Billings' Allminax on tap, and draw sweet liquor from it each hour ; no man can buy our copy, no man can borrow it, and he who steals it, will finally die. New Orleans Budget Saw my right leg off, lift my scalp up, innoculate me with the Contents of a six shooter, if Josh Billings' Far- mer's Allminax for 1875 aint the bullyest brick the civil- ized world has ever laid eyes on. Texas Daily Bandit. Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax is once more in our midst ; like an oyster on the half shell, it can be took standing, sitting down, or on the run. Lowell Examiner. HONES TY. Honesty iz like munny, a man haz got to work hard to get it, and then haz got to work harder to keep it. Honesty iz the best kard in the pak ; it iz allwuss trumps, and thare iz no man big phool enuff but what he kan play it right every time. Honesty haz been praised more, and praktised less, than enny ov the virtews, but it stands in need ov no ones praise, and fears no ones rebuke. Honesty iz all the virtew that a man needs, and all that an angell haz. Honest men are skarse, and what i am afrade ov now iz, they are going to be skarser. From Adam's day to ours, and from now untill the judge- ment time, an Honest man haz been, and will be, " The noblest work of God" Pope's deskripshun ov an honest man iz the simplest, and yet the strongest language, that ever haz been used. A KARD. A bizzy-body iz like a ritch cheeze, — full ov little things. When a man aint good for ennything else, he iz just right to sett on a jury. - 31 Days, JANUARY. 1875. if 3 -* ,£>#/ /^K n ^ § ^ wood sighns ov f of J &k sno § ^3D dont pik +0 | • O geese this month $ expekt sum £ & weather hi tides >K ::: & now anihilate hogs "5? ? ! ! ! Gg ft more :o: koldly £r * $ $ S Mike Tower died 1812 W 8 Si % prepare

apogee A expekt frosts ™ about $ g theze days dont plant onion seed <9 [f] fi Sally Ann Murdok died f^< A * O kolder Sally Ann waz a Q weaver S sighns ov & a thaux Sally Ann weavered yarns & g peace to our ashes HELIOTROPES. When a woman wants enny- thing, she wants it with all her strength, and every boddy elses strength too. Intelekt without judgement iz what ails about one halff the smart people in this world. Thare aint bad luk in the whole world to ruin enny one man, not if he will fite it out on that line. A fanatick iz the wust man we hav to kontend with, reazon haz no effekt on him, and it iz agin the law to klub him. [ CHARITY. Charity iz a blessed privilege ; it lifts poor human natur up to the level ov the angells, and sheds the lite ov heaven on our pathway. It iz the most butiful ov all the impulses ov the heart, and the eazyest to execute. Thare iz not a thought that goes out kindly to welkum a child ov sorrow, but what iz kredited in the grate book ov everlasting life, under the head ov Charity. Thare iz not a gift, not even a kup of kold water, thare iz not a self sakrafice ov enny kind, thare iz not a virte- wous wish, nor a kind hope, but what kan be kounted amung the jewels ov charity. Charity hath no markit- price here, nor hereafter, thare iz menny a penny in the grate box that will kount out brighter, at the last day, than enny dollar that iz thare. But thoze people who are the soonest to melt with charity, are often the soonest to freeze up, — i have seen them so fastidious that they couldn't meet an objikt ov charity, without plunging their hand into one pocket, and taking out a ten cent piece, put it right bak into the other, thus satis- fying their charity, and saving their munny at the same time. JESS SO. All the philosophy in the world, wont make a hard trotting hoss ride eazy. One ov the most unfortunate individuals i kno ov, iz a third-rate fiddler. t 31 Days. MARCH. 1875. u ^ in a Now having hiz merchandize purchased. He's 01U in the suo, and the sleet, And yells like a " brave " on the war path, Az swiftly he runs thru the street. w rti I M 2 T 3 \V 4 T 5 F 6 s 7 G 8 M 9 T IO VV 1 1 T 12 V 1 3 S 14 G *5 AI 16 T 17 \V 18 T x 9 K 20 S 21 G 22 M 2 3 T 24 VV 25 T 26 F 27 S 28 G 29 M 3° T 3' W Billings Log. %&% © Windy winds © © now O 4» dig out W woodchucks $1 T c?s expekt wind Sam Davis born 2 g 1632 ^ more wind r£i Sam Davis T 1? was an (§ % operator # 9 *¥ iq, look out for wind © H £? Sam ^ Davis operated on hen roosts | n prepare for wind ^ V * now pay 4 I'T > m <-HH £» V H 3 H w rv- pi >^ i 3 l 1 O O o ^ CO 1 Er'es the Err aid, Times, Sun, World, and Tribune" Iz the yung merchants ear piercing kry, 1 Got the or full smash up on the rale rode" — And a kitntryman stops him to buy. X? tf I T 2 F 3 S 4 G 5 M 6 T 7 W 8 T 9 F IO S ii G 12 M *3 T 14 W *5 T 16 F 17 S 18 G x 9 M 20 T 21 W 22 T 2 3 F 24 S 25 G 26 M 27 T 28 W 29 T 30 F Billings Log. Gentle showers !*? © « "* now u insert onion ■*" A V3 seed 3 $ * Q 13 more rain & % perpetual S moshun diskovered ^n 1832 !?v® K TTJi more rain 6 perpetual O © Q iQ moshon $ lost 1313 O S ^ inkreasing # A wetness IP now prospekt $ iy 1} for dandy lions 3 TT£ d) Abner Durham 8 £? }c in gardin ^ seeds d He takes them away to the stashun, Whare both are krestfallen and meek, And after a lektur onfiteing, The kids are discharged by the " beak." 1875. o. 2 o -4 ^ I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 !9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 3 l T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T VV T F S Billings Log. Expekt grate g\ IJl 8 % hotness ¥ now snaix K • are © slippery □ thunder &* 8 n rnixt with ft \ litening 6° f Hank Ketchum *f 8 SI T born 1802 nA<$ hotter T Q Hank Ketchum $ waz single A 6° $ more hotly Hank 6 ? |g 3 Ketchum # parted hiz (i hare in the 4 6* 8 less hot now destroy W jj T grass for hay 2 sighns ov thunder go a, W 2 honesty iz the best policy W go TUBE ROSES. He who expekts to be praized every time he duz a virtewous thing will soon git tired ov the bizzness. When people loze their prop- erty they generally loze every- thing else, in the estimashun ov the world, except their faults and vices. It iz the eazyest thing in natur to be honest, but most men make dredphull hard work ov it. A good deal ov buty, and a good deal ov sense, are seldum found together. 19 POLITENESS. What a man kant win in this world bi politeness aint worth having. Politeness iz just as natrul az fun iz, and iz the cheapest way to git a living i kno ov. It haz made more friends than enny thing else ever haz, and haz kept them longer. It dont kost enny more to be polite than it duz to be happy, and enny man iz a phool who kant be either, if he iz a mind to. I hav known it to sukceed whare every thing else had failed, and i never knu it to fail, whare it undertook to sukceed. It iz az eazy to apply az the " poor mans plaster," and it will all- wus stik whare it iz stuk. Next to honesty, politeness iz queen bee in the hive, and the man who iz thoroly hon- est and thoroly polite, haz nothing to fear, or hope for. Politeness, without honesty, iz a good deal risky, but sumtimes the wust we kan call it iz, "a pleazant fraud." 2 FAKTS. The best abuzed woman ov the 19th century iz the average mother in law. One ov the most perfekt viktorys yu kan achieve over enny man, iz to beat him in politeness. 31 Days. AUGUST. 1875. 3 D ^ liberty now out they skamper, But before their days work they renew, Our hero remarks to hiz rival, " Tommorow, P 11 take kare ovyu." > e'l o w 2 I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 i3 14 i5 16 i7 18 i9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T Billings Log, Big heat ^ now $ hunt 00 for cool places 6 thunder li g and litening cp mixt <£ salamanders lliy diskovered 849 heat waxes IT £1 d in Adam's sin $ O we all jined in © expekt sudden 3 £j 2 W rain about theze daze W 3 Phil Sherman g X A ^ born 1756 5& £ © heat grows ^ (& W $2 heaty ' W& Phil Sherman g # TT^^o waz a hard-shell ^ ^ © babtist $ ^ whew! !P* how fi ^, 2 4 HT & hot it am 9 fi © fl| now *a Q dig O n "y £7 33 8 for ice bileing ^ ty © © ^ hot T & CARNASHUNS. When the vice and virtew in a man iz about hafF and haff, he wants az mutch cluss watching az a bile duz when it iz cumming to a hed. We are allwuss sure to think just az other pholks do, provided they think just az we do. Make yureself necessary yung man, and yure suck cess iz sertain. Everyboddy applauds a virtew- ous ackshun, even the Devil him- self admires it. EGG NO G G. Thare iz no fluid known to mortal man, that haz got more bakbone, and less tangle leg, in a quart ov it, than good, old 1776, Egg Nogg. Our grand dads drank it fluently, and thankt the Lord, az it meandered sloly down their thruts. It iz bilt out ov sider, and fresh egg, and iz az phull ov fun, and innosense, az a kittens tail. Enny man who haz moral skruples about drinking a glass ov fresh made egg nogg, had better git hiz morality insured aginst acksidents at once, for he iz in danger ov having hiz mo- rality kompletely eradikated from the face ov the earth. Morality that kant stand egg nogg, iz a weak sister. I luv egg nogg, and hope i allwuss shall. I kant tell yu now when egg nogg waz fust diskovered, nor who the lucky kritter waz who fust found it out, but i would giv 15 dol- lars at least to know that it waz one ov mi ansesstors. I am orphull proud ov the anshunt Billing' es and enny glory that fluktuates around them, kind ov circumambiates around me. This may look like weakness in me, but it iz natur, and i dont beleav in allwuss snubbing natur. I say let yure natur kind ov go it, onst in a while. SUM OPINYUNS. Mi experience in life thus far haz been, that 7, wont go into 5, and hav mutch ov ennything left over. I hav herd lies so well told that a man would allmost be a phool not to beleave them. 30 Days. SEPTEMBER. §* He meets with a smooth faced old villain, Who ov a bad stamp would git free, But the boy twiddles hiz fingers, and sez, **Yu kant hum that ere over me." 1875. I n ©I- © 2J I w 2 T 3 F 4 S 5 G 6 i\l 7 T 8 W 9 T IO F ii S 12 G i3 M 14 T 15 \V 16 T i7 V 18 s 19 G 20 M 21 T 22 \V 23 T 24 F 25 S 26 G 27 M 28 T 29 W 30 T Billings Log. T 4 Mild g ,ft and slik f/2 2 § Zip Coon /5 [§] r V3 died 1822 <<& tender # # winds r 0) T A W Zip waz a coloured & O g.*: I brother W mello rain W £1 6 A put not yure trust in W Jj ^£ 2" 1 members ov Til r the legislator more mello g> i2 rain # jj now 5$ consume £ $ *f # oysters perhaps rain, y 7 " 5 <® 3 perhaps not go slo $ f $ 11 expekt frost l<* ru 4) 8 § t/j a h o u £ .a 1 0) 1 .3 c o I O 9 B i s. 5 m I W 2 T 3 F 4 S 5 G 6 M 7 T 8 W 9 T IO F ii S 12 G *3 M M T IS W 16 T 17 F 18 S J 9 G 20 M 21 T 22 W 2 3 T 24 F 2 5 S 26 G 2 7 M 28 T 29 W 3o T 3i F Billing's Log. Q December g hath 31 daze 8 & $ n sum kold £p*& now arouze )$ Q ^ $&* fires merkury 10 belo £ T a spri sixpence O iz better than $ a ]£ lazy i2 dime immense sno A $ 6 "?? now pay the printer & & £ Sister Perkins ^ born 1500 ^ 2 more © ^ g TTt koldness $ Sister Perkins 3JI O waz a femail Q lekturer

^\ jbasv7^ yi Wuss than enny man yu ever see. El Q II? K a A I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 !5 16 17 18 r 9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 o_ S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M Short Fakts. 43s Mutch kold 3 mares nest $£* diskovered 18 10 § If now keep cool | © A Ben Butler iz a lawyer $ TT^ Xf less koldly S sarch *** for 8 (gpf* ice Sc expekt gUi sum • d inkrease 2 L ov f weather § * § Flora Temple ^ ■f x could -f" trot fast r- § -^ $y more koldfull ! Job Perkins ^ f *& * kreated * *^* Q) A 1264 x (12) kold rather !{ 1 S^t waxes ^ Job fl\ £ Perkins , x ¥ 3 I $ loved £? onions -*- If ,_!! now is the !U^ winter ov n £ I | our diskontent I J examine * | * ^ -|- yure geese STROKE OARS. Pashunce iz a good thing for a man to hav, but when he haz got so mutch ov it, that he kan fish all day, over the side of a boat,, without enny bait on hiz hook, lazyness iz what's the matter ov him. Pills will sumtimes refuze to akt on the liver,. but sawing wood never will. When i.waz 20 i knew twice az mutch az i do now, and the way things are gpihg on, if i should liv to be 75, i dont expekt to kno nothing. Thare iz no radikal kure for lazyness, but starvashun will cum* the nearest to it. THE VEGATABEL BITTERS MAN. Whenever a man gits ded broke, and kant think ov nothing to raze a breeze with, and hiz uncle wont hav him boarding at hiz house enny more, and the heels ov hiz boots hav knawed the bottom ov his pantaloons all off, he takes rubarb root, and a fu katnip blossoms, and sum tan bark, and sokes them for 14 hours in sum cheap whiskey, and goes hedlong into the liver reno- vating bizzness. He plasters every fence, saw mill log, stun wall, and cow's back, from Portland Maine to Stockton Californy, with red, and yello hand bills, offering to heal the halt, make the blind talk, and the deaf see, and renew the inside, and outside, ov all kreashun, for a dollar and twenty five cents a bottle. He takes rooms at sum fust klass hotel, drives 8 in hand, and never iz seen, only on the jump. He iz az full ov bizzness az a deputy superintendant ov a Sunday skool, on a piknik day, and call on him when yu will, to kollekt yure little bill ov 7 dollars, he haz just left for (Baltimore, or wont be home from Nu Orleans, untill week after next. Theze men are not all ov them un- scrupulous, they are kunning kritters, who hav found I > of i 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 l 9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 1 3° ! 3! W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T w T F S G M T W T F Short Fakts. Windy SI winds A $ Congress gits together £3 [ T now fi look out 3 O for wind watch hens £? • n for eggs (D © wind more £1 so Frank Dutcher appeared 1742 $ 3 wind howls Q r£i & Franks *^* D-u-t-c-h-e-r ^ TTj, waz ~3 a failure i5$ ~ TTi wind 9 shouts U now ! ask * k !p !n !u !m d !r !u !m !s 6 $ windy ft £ William ^ Penn ^ -H- waz a Y3 8 quaker ^ o 3 >&r wind A frackshus ^[ $ ^ ^S&* now hunt weazels • ty [gP £? wind 3 more south • • ^ (J TIB. than it (w) (a) (z) • T FRONT TEETH. Wize men sumtimes bild air kastles just for the fun ov the thing, it iz only the phools who bild them, and then undertake to liv in them. I hav seen folks who waz vio lently oppozed to gambling, sim ply bekauze they had found out that they couldn't win. I notiss one thing, when a man stubs his toe he cussess all krea- shun fust, then the toe, but never himself. Dont change yure bait mi boy, if yu are ketching fish with angle worms — stik to the worms. THE KROTON BUG. The kroton bug are dirty blak kusses, without enny pedigree, and ov no more use than an extra fii in a plate ov soup. They hang around wet and damp places, and are all the time either going in, or comeing out, ov every krak in that naborhood. Thare iz no be- gining, nor end, to their number, and if yu bore a hole with a gimblet, enny whare near a plug basin, the next day the krotons will be az thick around it, az tho a nu 3 cent gin mill had just been opened thare. What they hv on no naturalist knows, or dassent tell, and yu kant git rid ov them, enny more than you kan skare the flies out ov a sugar hogshed, by hollering at them. They are allwuss on the move like a grasshopper, but what they are about, or would like to hav, they kant even tell them selfs. Thare iz a powder advertized which they say will klean the kroton bugs all out ov the house in 4 days. I am no gambler, but i will give the powder 7 days the start, and then bet on the bugs. Thare is only one sure way to git the krotons out ov a house, burn up the house and let a strong east wind bio the ashes away. D WELL. The devil allwuss keeps the gide boards that lead to hiz dominions, fresh painted, and in good order. I never knu a man yet who waz allwuss watching hiz helth, to die enny whare near az soon az he expekted to. 30 Days. V LIGHTS. Dont never trust a man at the rate ov 50 cents on a dollar, — if yu kant konfide in him at par, let him slide. I dont kno which iz the biggest phool, the man who kan spend two hours bragging about himself, or the one who kan sit pashuntly and listen to him. It iz very diffikult for a man to change his pollyticks, or hiz reli- gion, without being suspekted ov having very little ov either. The two bizzyest persons in this world about nothing, iz a country gossip, and a June bug. THE KUNTRY SKOOL MOM, The kuntry skool mom iz allwuss about 23 years, and six months old, and remains rite thare for a term ov years. She wears her hair either kut short, or hanging around in ringlets, and iz az precise in every thing, az a pair ov Fairbanks' improved platform skales. She never laffs out loud, and seldum even smiles, but when she duz, she duz it ackording to the rules laid down by Murray, for speaking, and pronouncing, the English language propperly. She iz the very oil ov propriety, and would rather be four years behind the fashions in bonnetts, than to spell a word wrong, or parse a sen- tence inkorrektly. The kuntry skool mom seldum dies an old maid, she gits marrid to sum man who haz less laming than she haz, and he thinks (az he ought to) that thare aint another sutch a larnt woman az hiz wife iz, in all kreashun. With all her precise foolishness i luv, and respekt, the kuntry skool mom, she taut me mi letters, and larnt me how to spel, she waz pashunt while i waz stupid, she soothed me when i waz frack- shus, and she often (good soul) giv me a titbit from her luncheon at noon time. May Heaven bless, and com- fort her, for she iz poorly paid, and iz stepmother to every boddys yung ones. STOP. A man will liv longer on onions, and abuse, than on enny other 2 things i kno ov. Yung man, mark yure goose up hi, two thirds ov the world hav no other idea of value, only by the price that iz put onto things. 31 Days. MAY. ! 8 1876. ^fe^i^Qi^ a Johnny then bought a hard trotter, And rode himself weak az a rag, Then sold him for 19 dollars \ Just haff that he gave for the nag. Hfc* ± I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 r 9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 3o 3i $_ M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T w T F S G M T W T F S G M T W Short Fakts. V Hoss radish 3 haz cum 8 <© □ wind south-east © 8 * 3 — v — grindstuns — v— diskovered © 17 14 f 2 wet showers Ralph Goodo £? ©Aft born 1109 mild but plezant & 9 & ^ f Ralph $ O loved & £? sassage 3 prepare *£* for nice ? Q ^ 1§? weather r£i man waz { ~3 T ± kreated Ifa 3 little lower than the Q angells % and $ haz been £ ~a "^ m git ting c\ a ^ little # lower O ever since Q now © O insert X ^ arly corn Q "55? 23 n Pharaoh felln warm 3 ~ H <$ * TTR. ^ ^ into the red see £ V3 f&« WEATHER COCKS. Thare iz now and then a fool so well bred that he is really quite endurable. Gossip that iz travelling around loose iz a lie, or will be, bi the time it haz changed hands once more I wrote 5 years just for glory, and met with sum glory, but when i asked for pay, every bod- dy found out at once, that i waz a kussid phool. Thare iz lots ov pholks who if they should miss their morning paper wouldn't kno mutch ov ennything for that day THE RED CURRANT. Next to the apple, for every day wear, cums the red currant. They are allmost az necessary, and common, for sweetmeats, in all well regulated familys, az hash iz for brekfasst. They gro on a low bush, and they gro so thick, that yu couldn't stik another one on, without knocking off two. They are about the size ov a dubble B shot, and when they are ripe, are az red az the eye of a wild pigeon. They are az sour az the blood ov a lemon, but plenty ov sugar kures them ov this malady. Currants are good green, ripe, and haff ripe, and are cheaper than herring, and not haff so full of bones. Thare iz a grate menny things i had rather do, in a hot day, than pik currants, but i hav dun it all day, when i waz a boy, and got a ninepence at night for the job. I am more than haff a centrry old now, but i kan look bak and see just how brite, and how big, one ov them ninepences used to be. A hundred dollars aint haff so mutch munny now, az they waz then. I wish i waz a boy agin, and knu ov life what i kno now, i would bind miself, if I could allwuss be a boy, to pik currants for a ninepence a day, az long az the currants held out. R E FLEET A jealous man iz allwuss anxious to beleave what he doubts the most. Too grate a luv ov popularity makes a munky ov a man. 30 Days. JUNE. o> 1876. *1 Five years yohn spent hunting tonicks, He drank all the kures in the land. And lost so mutch flesh he waz forced To hold up hiz pants tuith each hand. if I T 2 F 3 S 4 G s M 6 T 7 W 8 T 9 F IO S ii G 12 M n T 14 W 15 T 16 F 17 S 18 G 19 M 20 T 21 W 22 T 23 F 24 s *5 G 26 M 27 T 28 W 29 T 30 F Short Fakts. Sighns ov warm- ness ft A Ruth Comstok born a « 1786 s tf <9 Ruth Comstok 3 had the $ dispepshy £? more rain © ££ A now expekt litening rod ^ Til 3 venders %\ hot but wet \% § June bugs ^f O ^ ¥ 3 have cum more heat Q ± *$ Mark r£i Twain 9 is a funny kuss # expekt hotness £^< fi 5 now bury ~ potatoes K y V3 O © not so warm & Old Grimes rfr is ded V If fi hunt $ for A frogs ^ hind legs =2= thunder and # -3 O # litening Q thare iz a d divinity shapes □ our ends $? fj 7UP KNOTS. He who elevates hiz profeshun iz the best mechanik, whether he preaches the gospel, peddles phis ick, or skins eels for a living. Lazyness iz a terrible burden to carry, and it iz one ov them kind ov burdens that yu kant dump, if you want to ever so mutch. It aint no disgrace for a man to fall, but to lay thare, and grunt, An old man desperately in luv iz an objekt ov pitty, he iz az bad off. az a lost dog. THE LITENING ROD MAN. Ever since Adam waz ordered to root, or perish, thare haz been an endless lot ov labor saving masheens, invented, az plenty, and menny ov them az useless, az tudstools in an old meadow. Theze invenshuns are generally pattented, and to be a good pattent rite vender, and sell a man an injun rubber litening rod, who haz allreddy got two, requires more genius, than to be consul to the Azore Islands. I have seen theze litening rod fellows sell a man a rod who wouldn't hav one at enny price, and after they had got hiz house all covered over with one, and got the munny for it, git one onto hiz barn, and pig pen, and git hiz note for them, with his nabors endorsement, for 9 months, with 7 per cent interest from date. I should be a mizerable hand to sell a pattent rite miself, but just the rite kind ov a man to buy one. It iz a grate wonder that I dont own a dozen now, that would be az useless to enny boddy az a pair ov pattent crutches would be to a lame grasshopper. I hav got a grate deal ov pattent rite kuriosity in my compound, and am allways hanging around things that hav got a little mistery in them, but i suppoze i hav got a grate deal ov caushun too. But now I think ov it, kuriosity, and caushun, well mixt, are a hard thing to sell a pattent rite to. ESPOUSE. The fust 3 notes i endorsed i had to pay, and i hope it will be jiss so with the next 3. It aint no kredit for enny man, to work for nothing, and board himself. 31 Days. JULY. 1876. to i ex 0//r pashunt now took to reading, He studdid the liver ov man, Untill he knu what ailed him, A heap less, than when he began. # 2 © rr I S 2 G 3 M 4 T 5 W 6 T 7 F 8 S 9 G 10 M 11 T 12 W 13 T 14 F 15 S 16 G 17 M 18 T *9 W 20 T 21 F 22 S 2 3 G 24 M 2 5 T 26 W 27 T 28 F 29 S 3o G 3i M| Short Fakts. Big-hotness Q) $ £, SI Paul waz an apostle © $ # $y sighns gs ov i *f 8 thunder 3 now destroy grass ^ Sam Perkins ^ died ( 1836 very mutch hot Q 4* $ Sam Perkins K waz f a J pharo ± -][- dealer I — * A -nt heathottens 3 1 a © snakes ~ hav cum O 3 it rains +» -h- Ward Beecher TT£ iz a preecher 6 K a expekt f^ thunder go ^ ^ 9 ~ musketore c_ perforate & 3 hotly rfr 1 cheuing gum || diskovered © *& 1596 A © Adam waz our db * beginning © mutch § hot $ 3 cheers fi X? $ © ¥ $ for Adam RIGHT BOWERS. Luv is the strongest pashun ov a woman's harte, she has got to luv sumthing, either a baby, a nu bonnet, a lap dog, or the heathen. I am allwuss more than haff afraid ov the man, who kant talk 5 minnitts with me, on enny sub- jekt, without expressing grate anxiety about my soul. Go slo yung man, if yu tap both ends ov yure cider barrell at once, and draw out ov the bung hole besides; yure cider aint a going to hold out long. Eat hash washing days, and be thankfull for it, even if yu hav to shut both eyes to do it. THE PEACH. Peaches and kream will convert enny man who iz worth saving. The peach haz a doun on them, like the doun on a maiden's cheek, but it aint hafF so plezant to git onto the lips. Peach brandy iz made out ov the peach, this licker haz been called mellow, but like all other licker that i hav tried, it will lay out a saint, just az flatt az it will a sinner. The fakt ov it iz, thare aint no kind ov ardent rum, i dont kare how art- less, and gentle the name ov it iz, or how ritch, and mello yu may call it, but what will throw him who wrassells with it, be he phool, or be he philospher. Thare iz only one piece ov humanity that kan stand ardent speerits, and he iz an injun, and he kant stand it, only just long enuff to git civilized. When peach brandy is fust made it iz az hot az a streak ov litening, and just about az sudden. I once drank a tea spoon full ov it warm from the still, and it waz 20 minnitts be fore i could draw a long breath. I waz az hot inside az a chimney on fire. I thought it would brake out and blaze sum whare, but it didn't happen to. DIGEST. I konsider all profeshions that are honest, honorabell enuff, but i hav thought, that a travelling korn doktor, waz the last one i should adopt, just for the sake ov glory. Thare iz one thing about a mule that i allwuss did like, the minnitt that you begin to flatter them, then they begin to kik. 31 Days. AUGUST. 1876. S3 yohn bought next a kord of hard wood, And sazved like a man on a bet. It bent him dubble, — if it hadn't, — yohn would have sawed at it yet. It V3 9 I T 2 W 3 T 4 F 5 S 6 G 7 M 8 T 9 W IO T ii F 12 S *3 G 14 M *5 T 16 W 17 T 18 F J 9 S 20 G 21 M 22 T 2 3 W 24 T 2 5 F 26 S 27 G 28 M 29 T 30 W 3i T Short Fakts. Mutch warm TTR A i^tx now consume © juleps 4 % Q) thunder showers Pete Larkins 2g|?~ £? absconds 1741 © ! I S 3 O 5* immense heat © now ^ ^ -rr TTJ2. [ 1 ] ! I pik geese 1C more hotter $ Eve waz our (!) $ If fust mother § less O hot O fleas are here ^ =£= 1U ^> tt big rain pills diskovered 436 X hot V3 seems 3 I morely J now snatch ts\ ¥ Q doun oats thunder *f • and ss $ r£i litening ^ Ben Franklin 3 H- TTg § waz a A SiPieinjdjtihjriijfjt expekt fg* flies Judas Iskariott $ $ waz a Jl T fi 3 9a failure QUEEN BEES. He who aims at perfekshun will probably miss the mark, but he who aims at nothing, iz sure to hit it every time. The man who haz been waiting for the last 15 years, for sumthing to turn up, iz to work on the same job yet. I had a grate deal rather be told that a man is virteuous, and honest, than to hear that hiz father is a member ov congress? or even that hiz grandfather, fit into the revolushun. Men sumtimes hav doubts about their religion, and even honesty, but i never met one who doubted his shrewdness. THE BUMBLE BEE. The bumble bee iz a kind ov big fly who goes mutter- ing, and swareing around the lots, during the summer, looking after little boys to sting them, and stealing hunny out ov the dandylions, and thissells. He iz mad all the time about sumthing, and dont seem to kare a kuss what people think ov him. A skool boy will studdy harder enny time to find a bumble bees nest than he will to git hiz lesson in arithmetik, and when he haz found it, and got the hunny out ov it, and got badly stung into the bargin, he finds thare aint mutch margin in it. Next to poor mollassis, bumble bee hunny iz the poorest kind ov sweetmeats in market. Bumble bees hav allwuss been in fashion, and probably allwuss will be, but whare the fun, or proffit lays in them, i never could cypher out. The profrit dont seem to be in the hunny, nor in the bumble bee neither. They bild their nest in the ground, or enny whare else they take a noshun too, and aint afrade to fite a whole distrikt skool, if they meddle with them. I dont blame the bumble bee, nor enny other fellow, for defending hiz sugar, it iz the fust, and last Law ov natur, and i hope the law wont never run out. The smartest thing about the bumble bee iz their stinger. DISCUSS. Mice very seldum cum out ov a hole that iz clussly watched. o I fully beleave in ghosts, but I never herd yet ov two persons seeing the same ghost, at the same time. 30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1876. ■5 • Q I 6> yohn's minister called on him now, His case exciting alarm. The good man sed, "John is all right," Only go to work on a farm. > I # © I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 X 3 14 J 5 16 17 18 *9 20 21 22 2 3 24 2 5 26 27 28 29 30 F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W r r F S Short Fakts. 3 za Mildly d 3 now ~ TT|, crickets simmer 8 soft n 3 ZZ Fred Johnsing deceased £ A iQx 3 wind east Johnsing waz TT^ ^ Q a barber I w *!■ jo O < 3 a-S- i 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 J 3 14 *5 16 17 18 x 9 20 21 22 2 3 2 4 2 5 26 2 7 28 29 30 31 Short Fakts. 8 n • Jack Frosty fi 3 I ff now If hunt >C butternuts -Q, A $ cool but wet © John Bunyan O $ \ waz a pilgrim * more cool * now trap ± rfr $ for rats § wind northy & apple sass ^ ess ^ Q J invented 986 wet but cool 3 ~3 ~ VS H now jerk turnips 2£ ^ TT|, =2= 9 more J-^ — *-]] moistly O ^ Q sun in 3 apogee ; frosty now '. f destroy $ early -h- ^r pork TTR. sum snow £ 9 T [ Dan Barker kikt the bucket 6 Hf* 1691 8 ft koldy /a now smash Q) wood n muskeeters skarse* MORNING STARS* Seckond luv, iz like a seckond case ov the measles, the pashunt iz sure to allwuss hav it light. Yu kant hire a man to be hon- est, if yer do, he will want his wages raised every morning. Thare iz a grate deal ov religion in this world that iz like a life preserver, only put on at the moment ov extreme danger, and then half the time put on hind side before. Most people are .like an egg 9 too full of themselves to hold enny more. THE YANKEE PEDLAR. Probably the sharpest man that the world haz been blest with thus far iz the natral born Yankee pedlar. He takes to the bizzness just az handy az a yung duk takes to the water, who haz been hatched out by mis- take amung a lot ov hen's eggs. He kan see just whare the proffit lies in a dicker, and aint afrade to invest hiz whole pile, at a minnitt's notiss, in an assorted lot ov goose yokes. He begins life yung, and like the bizzy ant, gits up arly, and eats on the run. Az long az he keeps honest he iz sure to sukceed, but sumtimes hiz genius iz too mutch for hiz integrity, and every boddy gits to be az frade ov him, az they are ov a hornet. The hornet iz the smartest bug in kreashun, but haint got no friends. The world luvs to be cheated, but they want to hav it dun bi an honest man, and not bi a hornet, and then they never seem to git tired ov it. I hav seen Yankee pedlars who allwus cheated every boddy they traded with, but they allwuss did it so honest, and square, that every boddy seemed to be happy when their turn cum. But the old fashioned Yankee pedlar, with his little red painted kart, and bobtail pony, like the letterings on the mile stuns, iz fast fading away. SEIZE. Stik and hang yung man, it iz the last six inches in a race that allwuss wins the munny. If yu want to find out just how mean, and dishonest, yu hav allwuss been, git a nominashun, and run for sum offiss. 30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1876. p a s® .3 I yking Busi- ness. Interest allowed on deposits. 14 >>e cC^pOt^'i toy it v Head and Face. !$ • Breast. V3 Bowels. Arms. $ Heart. * Reins. ~~JL/ Z_^ffBy) ^JSKImL Thighs. © sSfBSSh Secrets. Legs. Up} Knees. ' Feet. 23 Stranger! wouldst thou kno whar the sighn iz ? Lo, and behold I " thou paze thy rnunny, and thou takest thine choice." 3 THE BOOK CANVASSER. The book canvasser iz a red hot being, az untiring az a fox hound, and az free from diffidence az a fish pedlar. He works hiz way into every spot in kreashun, and will often sell a book to a man, for hiz own price, who swore at first that he wouldn't take it az a gift. He will travel more miles in a day, on less hash, than a stage horse, and kan stand more abuse than a chinaman. The book canvasser haz bekum the terror of the land, and mankind hide from him az they would from the taxgatherer, or a case ov the small pox. I rather like the book canvasser, when a man pitches into me, and offers to sell me 650 pages ov " Doktor John Hirsute 1 s modified diagnosis ov the cappilliary attrakshun" and stiks to it untill he gits the book onto me, i am delighted with the man, and proud ov miself. It takes genius to do theze things, and i luv genius in all shapes, whether it appears az the author ov a dikshionary, or the pattentee of bar soap, warrented to take the letterings off from a mile stone in three washings. The book canvasser haz mi hottest prayers for hiz sukcess, and tho i never ov late subskribe for enny thing, not even to buy the new klergyman an independant seckond hand trotting kronometor, still i am allwus reddy to reckomend him to mi nabors. SLUNG SHOT. " Throw fisick to the dogs" is a very old proverb, but whare will yu find the dog that will tutch it ? Experience teaches us mutch, but learns us little. PREVAILING SENTIMENTS OV THE PRESS. Josh Billings still livs, and his Allminax for 1877 iz full ov joy for the sad, and rest for the weary. Atlantik Monthly. How natural, how happy, how concise, how forcible, it is, Josh Billings' Allminax for 1877. Appletoris Journal. Welcome, sweet morsel of delight, ever funny, and ever profound, Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the current year. Harpers' Bazzar. Bully for you Josh, hit 'em agin, slay, and spare not, may you outlive Methuseler, and not haul in your gang plank until Gabriel cries, "All a board." Springfield Republican. Aroma of lovelyness, perfume of joy, essence of til- tilation, breath of beauty, seance of bliss, Josh Billings' Allminax for 1877. lady's Book. 5 THE CHIPMUNK. The chipmunk iz the smallest of the squirrell tribe. They are striped goods, having three blak lines wove into them, running the same way the squirrell duz. Az a spekulator in corn the chipmunk stands at the hed ov all the small operators, beating the blujay, in hiz yearly operashuns about a quart. The chipmunk carrys hiz corn in hiz mouth, and when he cums out ov a cornfield loaded with the cereal, his cheeks stik out like a duch baby's. Sumtimes the chipmunk iz kaught and kept in a cage, and iz made to turn a wheel for a living, this iz the only usefull work they hav ever been known to do. I hav often lookt at them at work in their wheels, and dont kno which i pitty the most, the chipmunk, or the party who has to tend them, both of them mite be in better bizzness. They are the only insekt who dig their holes and sho no pile ov dirt at the entrance. I hav asked sevral smart men what bekums ov the dirt, but they all shook their heds and lookt awfull wize. When i waz a boy i used to ketch chipmunks bi running away from skool, and the day that I brought in two ov them waz a big day for me. CRUMBS. The devil iz a very cunning phellow, but the blunders he makes allwuss eats up the proffitts in hiz bizzness. A dandy iz an individul whoze usephullness in this world depends entirely upon the fit ov hiz clothes. 31 Days. JANUARY. 1877. u < I s r .a ;'i Hawk eyed, and spileing for a fight, If enny one thinks they kan lick him, yust let them put up the spondulicks, And trot out the other game chicken. fir* %> m£ CSS □ I M 2 T 3 W 4 T 5 F 6 S 7 G 8 M 9 T IO W ii T 12 F 13 S 14 G 15 M 16 T 17 W 18 T J 9 F 20 S 21 G 22 M 23 T 24 W 25 T 26 F 27 S 28 G 29 M 30 T 3i W Items. A Now dig ice ^ kold © but raw S ^T meazles diskovered 1312 Y ess * snowfull * ¥ Adam fell Q) hard ::: wind north a § Enok Jones died

— □ stove PETS. A man with mutch welth, and no pedigree, should do az the bob tailed kats do, set down on himself, and keep still. Tricks upon travellers are all- wuss dangerous experiments, i hav known a ded hornet to wake up sudden, and sting just once more. Familiarity iz a dangerous ex- periment, the most familiar thing in the whole world iz a puppy, and the oftenest stept on. This is my plan,— to beleave all things that i hear, but to put mi faith, and munny, in but few. 7 SUM ABRUPT LETTERS. Dear Bob. — The most disgusting kritter to me, in the whole ov the United States ov Amerika, iz an overgrown boy, ov about fifteen summers, who haz bekum the ter- ror ov the whole family, and spends hiz spare time ham- mering the cow, and stirring up the pig, and chickens. If the father, or father-in-law, ov one ov these youths, will lend him to me, if i dont civilize him, or kill him in ninety days, i will agree to forfit 50 dollars, and the cloth for a new alpacka dress. P.S. — Send on the boy at once, at mi expense, i am just now out ov a job. — J.B. o Dear Steve. — It iz hard work to be in luv and not akt phoolish, but luv iz the only thing i kno ov that makes pholly excusable. Luv haz made sum kind ov a phool ov every man it haz attacked since the days ov Adam, and it made the biggest kind ov a phool ov him. Wis- dum, and ambishun iz no protekshun aginst the disseaze, for Soloman evaporated before it like the dew before the morning sun, and even good old David wilted like the hewn grass. — o Dear Hank. — When yu strike ile pull out yure auger at onst, and begin to barrell the ile, menny a man haz kept on untill he bored klean thru and sum other phellow kaught the grease at the bottom. BULBS. Ministers often point out to us, poor sinners, the strate, and narrow gauge, az the only way to git to heaven, while they hav got a private turnpike ov their own that 2.40 kan be made on. o Waiting to be whipt iz the most uninteresting period in boyhood life. 8 28 Days. FEBRUARY. 2 B .a fl 1877. kJ o An ugly lump is the Tarrier Bull t For fighting allwuss reddy, With Mike : Rotike he travels, And his name iz one eyed Teddy, 0*2 > 2 3 I T 2 F 3 S 4 G 5 M 6 T 7 W 8 T 9 F IO S ii G 12 M 13 T 14 W i.S T 16 7^ Items. The kold -'N- chatters ~*~* Bill Comstock deceased !! 1746 □ sighn ov snow % Bill Comstock died ov f § a broken heart more koldful () $^* f Bill Comstock Q tried to lift a rfr Y ton * kolder * but couldn't f A snow #* falls -a- sun in apogee • bitter § kold f^< rats are skarse SI it storms C-h-r-i-s-t-o-p-h-e-r Columbus © S c* ^ diskovered d Amerika w koldness waxes :-v-: now S ■$• »% the 4- SI bull frog , — holds [0] hiz tung * -^ snow rages &s Sam :]: Patch died |J| poor * 1837 * *^< VAGRANTS. Life aint mutch more than a farce enny how, but it iz quite necessary that the play should go on, and the farce be well ackted. 000 The man whoze ambishun iz simply to liv, iz of no more im- portanse in this world, than an extra rat iz. If Adam and Eve had remained in the garden ov Eden untill to day, they would hav simply been two fat, overgrown babys. The gratest cumfort i hav seen in marrid life waz whare one ov the partys wanted everything their own way, and the other party waz willing they should hav it. THE ALLIGATOR. The alligator iz an original kritter, a chip of the old block, and az ugly to kontemplate az a congo darkey. They are residents ov Florida, and gro 12 feet, and nine inches and then halt. Their teeth are all tushes, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a buzz saw iz. Their eys are sot up, and down, in their hed like a chinamans, and they hav an appetight equal to 18 distrikt skool masters. They are the krokerdiles ov Amerika, and lay eggs az eazy az a hen duz, but dont kackle when they cum oph from the nest. They are grate cowards but aint afrade ov yung pork, or little darkeys, and kan eat all the time, or go without eating, az long az a gold fish kan. The alligator waz made for sum usefull purpose, but like the muskeeter, the bedbugg, and the kokroach, their use- fullness haz been karephully hid from us. Yu kan shoot a hundred alligators a day on the St. Johns river, but you kant bag one, and thare aint enny more game in them, than thare iz in a rotten log. They are long lived, and liv, if mi memory serves me right, 4 thousand years, and their grate strength lays in their tails. They hiss when they are angry like a tea kittle, and want az mutch room to turn round in az a fore and aft skooner. DEW DROPS. I hav known whiskey to make a man generous, but when he got sober agin, he would git square with himself, bi being meaner than ever. The man who iz rekless ov hiz life holds it at just about its market value. 10 31 Days. MARCH. 1877. 5*< CS □ Darwin sez, we hail from the munky, And Darwin knows all about this things But while i respekt mi poor relashuns, From whitchy pray tell me, did the munky spring. S > t/i T P N ^ 0f> I T 2 F 3 S 4 G s M 6 T 7 W 8 T 9 F 10 S ii G 12 M 13 T 14 W »S T 16 F i7 S 18 G x 9 M 20 T 21 W 22 T 23 F 24 S 25 G 26 M 27 T 28 W 29 T 30 F 31 S Items. It blows A (£?) Robert Burns O wrote poetry © more wind 1 ! Q) • Fulton was * a © steambote &s • 3 Capting v — wind travels —> around loose i&\ 3 ! now set hens y kold and raw V3 kongress sits ! more <$ windy & Bob Fletcher loved not © wisely * but too well X Bob V3 Fletcher loved whiskey f wind $ Easty * Bonaparte $? was a ~ Trt £p Frenchman © Tf $ rain *f with ^39* w-i-n-d /ss T^i buty ^*^ iz short lived 9 2{ • it blows 3 j£i £T A fi *& now O twitch teeth fi more B n $ -3 6 wind 5 NUTMEGS. Enny man kan beat me out ov mi munny, and mi opinyuns, eazy enuff, but no man kan beat me out ov mi faith. One ov the most unhappy kritters in this world iz a neg- lekted pet, they are wuss off than a vagrant. The middle course iz the best, even a moderate deakon iz bet- ter than a red hot one. Yung man, dont ask enny favours, it iz better to hav the world owe yu 10 dollars, and finally git cheated out ov it, than to owe them one. 11 THE LOAFER. The loafer iz a thing who iz willing to be dispized for the privilege ov abusing others. He occupys all grades in sosiety from the judge on the bench clear down to the ragged kritter who leans aginst the lamp posts, and fites flies in August. He haz no pride that iz worthy, and no delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt. During his boy- hood he kills kats, and robs all the hens nests in the naborhood. During hiz middle life he begs all the to- bacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whiskey he kan at sumboddy else's expense. During hiz old age he winters in the alms houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he cums to die, he iz buried in a dich, like an omnibuss horse, with hiz old shuze on. The loafer cares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make enny man a loafer. The loafer rather covets dis- grase, and when a man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git in this world without digging. We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust loafer, and probably shant hav ov the last one, but in mi opin- yun, they hav existed just about az long az man haz. If Cain want a loafer, pray what waz he ? TIT BITS. Woman hav allwuss been more than a match for man, Adam held the best kards, but he didn't kno how to play them well. Thare iz one trait ov the human karakter that the devil himself must envy, and that iz, the more we hav injured a man, the more we dispize him. 30 Days. APRIL. 1877. 1° 6> Long, lank, lean, and lemon colored, An orphan, without friends, or place, A target for every ones brik bat, The yaller dog runs a dusty race. I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 1 3 1 4 I 5 16 *t 18 J 9 20 21 22 2 3 2 4 2 5 26 2 7 28 29 3o G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M Items. % Pensive showers April Phool SI begot 896 S3 fi :-: ~ more wetness • Babes in the A woods SO© lost 1 122 (f) wind Q) \ south <§ now the * £> frogs squeal O sum more Q % wetness (f) now 1^ ft investigate ft for hens eggs j^P" a f % $ kloudless day \ Peter Bacon died 1492 -H- © cool but 3€ pretty © Peter n ^r V3 Bacon had no mother (J) in law wind veers northy "$? $ now the gentle ~ kokroach ^ bj cometh f sum more © wet O Amos © $ # Bostwick born ©1827 *3fe hard n showers © Amos $ Bostwick d> had but 8 /a n one eye £, BIRDLINGS. One of the most diskourageing features ov modern civilizashun, iz the average kuntry hotel. Mankind luv to be cheated, but they want to hav it dun bi an artist. The most kritikal people to suit, are thoze who board at the alms houses. Thare may be sutch a thing az a man who haz stole once, and then quit, but i hav not the honor ov hiz acquaintanse. 13 ARTIKLES OV FAITH. Heaven bless the stummuk ake, if it want for this, menny ov us deakons wouldn't hav no good excuse for hot rum. The saddest ov all sights sad in this world, iz a child with a broken spirit. Man kant make cirkumstanses, but he kan take them bi the horns, insted ov the tale. Dont parade yure sorrows before the world, but bury them az the dogs do their old bones, and then growl if enny boddy offers to dig them up. Klubs are a place whare most people go to git rid ov themselfs. o A trained child to me iz a kind ov horror, i like to see them rekless with innosense. The boy who iz pikt out to be the genius ov the family is allwuss sure to be the biggest dohed in the whole lot. 14 31 Days. MAY. V for arly lettiss # rain 3 munny iz tite IS brite and © >^klear T^ Solaman A $ had wisdum klearing weather $ now probe * for $ 9^4 hoss radish "i] sum more f O 3 & # rainness Q © -a. Jabez Tucker $ obituated ^ ^ 1776 r-©— , a 3 15? iti . ? sweet day Jabez fit £* /a & (-»-) and died (-*-) ty ^ into the A revolushun <|> T IT V3 # more rain now insert S3 X 3? onion seed -©- SHADDOWS. After a man has reached the hight ov hiz ambishun the fust thing he duz, iz to be disgusted with it. It aint safe to endorse enny- body, we kant even tell ourselfs what kind ov a man we shall be on the 25 th day of next June. I prefer the gravity ov the owl to the loquacity ov the magpie, it iz better to look wize, than to talk phoolish. The cheapest and best way to convince a phool, is to agree with him. 15 SHORT REPLYS. Dear Luke, — I kant bear to see enny man strike a dog, i kno dogs are full ov fleas, but i kno they are full ov affeckshun too. I am very sad when i think that affeckshun iz no protekshun to man, nor kritter in this kold, and ironklad world. It would seem that a lamb ought to git along thru life more fluently than a hornet duz, but they duzzent, and i also notiss that the most suckcessful hornets are thoze who are bilt with a stinger on both ends ov them. I love the lambs, but respekt the hornets. o Dear Mose. — All the humorist that i am acquainted with are sad, and sober kusses. I never knu a fust rate humorist who waz a good laffer, they are willing to make other people laff, but prefer themselfs to stand by and look on. If Mark Twain should be kaught laffing, hiz friends would immejately put him to bed and send for hiz family physician. Nasby, the grate politikal satirist, waz never known to smile but once, and then he, and Pogram, were in the bak end ov the grosery at the cross- roads, but the cauze ov hiz mirth iz a profound sekret to this day. The best laffers i hav ever knu, whare thoze who lafft at their own jokes. SPLINTERS. If yu are determined to bet enny how, bet yure bottom dollar the fust time, and then go into sum more respekt- able bizzness. Thare are no weeds in this world that wilt so quick, az the weeds ov the widower. 16 30 Days. .5P !Q? e« PQ JUNE. 1877. OS 7%* poodle iz a frowzy bird, A hiding place for fleas, and varmin, Wimmin lug them round for pets, And call them " luv," and " duv," and "charming." H 1 p — 1 rt n n Q 4 P vj r^ b C/q CA O 3 a f 3 # I F 2 S 3 G 4 M 5 T 6 W 7 T 8 F 9 S IO G ii M 12 T *3 W i4 T 15 F 16 S 17 G 18 M 19 T 20 W 21 T 22 F 23 S 24 G 25 M 26 T 27 W 28 T 29 F 30 S Items. 8 Luvly moments wind bammy 3 June bugs are A O £ here & very wet Patience Burbanks O t run tf away £? 1840 |y sun hot * #* 3 Patience fled with 3 a R pedlar @ © ; «©> hot showers ^ the + violet „, haz ^ Y3 cum xHt 2 gentle softness © prevails °p now 3 jerk & J; lettiss □ sum \\ wet :§: ® now pik the goose O more A • softness 6 $ fleas diskovered 1309 □ hotness exists ~ rfr expekt pak pedlars [Si ""# wind rizes^T ^ $ Sam Brewster elekted constable O D 1865 sighns ov drougth (9 be kind § A to your mother in law $ ± very hot -now-stik-in-beans POSTSKRIPTS. The man who iz eazily in- fluenced and yet wont be ad- vised, iz a dredphull hard kritter to steer. Necessity iz the very best gift ov heaven, without it poor human natur would only be a herd ov loafers. -coo- What a man gits for nothing, he iz very apt to value at just about what it kost. Opportunitys are like birds, they will slip out ov yure hands if yu giv them haff a chance. ** THE SPIDER. One ov the most ingenious, and hardest workers amung the whole lot ov little bugs in kreashun iz the common spider. They will do more work on a web, in six hours, than a man could do in his whole life time, and do a mutch better job into the bargin. Spiders are the mean- est reptiles that hang around the footstool, for they are the only ones that i kan think ov now, that set traps for their viktims. They are az mean az a man in this re- spekt. Thare iz no fun in a spider, he iz az lonesum az a mizer, he spends hiz whole life making webs, and watching them, and allways lays at the mouth ov hiz hole, reddy to back in out ov danger. A man will go out ov hiz way rather than step on a kricket, and would rather skare a fly than kill him, az sazzy az he iz, but he goes for a spider with both feet, and seems to feel melan- kolly if he happens to miss him. Spiders hav no friends in this world, and the reazon must be bekauze their naturs are viscious, and cunning. Theze two traits will make even man an outlaw, and they akt just the same way on the spider. I dispize the spider, and aint afraid to tell him so. DREGS. Every man thinks he iz the principal bull frog in the puddle, and rather than argy the case, i am willing to think so too. Mizery luvs company but iz allwuss jealous, — there never waz a man yet but what thought hiz lame back was a good deallamer than hiz nabors. 18 31 Days. JULY. I a Full of cunning, and low deceit. With stolen cream, and chickens fat, Sweetly in dreams he lays at yure feet, Judas Iskariott, in shape ov a hat. 1877. > I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ri 12 i3 14 i5 16 i7 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T Items. T Warm hotness Gs now the frog £ sweats (#) thunder % peace • inkreasing hotness 3 now pik O -H- green corn n wind southly £? — Q ± virtew iz its ! own reward f very dusty 9 now inhale juleps <$ □ hot grows Mary Walker I W 3H5. 3 now ^ the kow pants ©3 thunder with If litening -3 Bill £? A Q Sprauge died 1500 O more hot ! Bill Sprauge waz 9 ft a fiddler 3 hotter Bill fiddled 3 with ! I^t hiz left hand O heavy rain !% & © sun in apogee (D more cool now 1" -H- keep cool V3 hot the grasshopper % -3 OF" i z a burden SS more hot 8 U Moses waz a TTJi ^ ~ meek man fi hot wetness $^ the & rackcoon iz © O a kuss =cs= Sarah • a SEPTEMBER. What he kant steal must be tied down, Ever reddy to caw, and to go, Thare 1 s nothing so full ov the devil, Az the life, and labors, ov a tame krow. 1877. o l»sr i 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 *3 14 J 5 16 17 18 J 9 20 21 22 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G Items. 3 Delitesum A fi weather ^ rain listen to the TTJl © © mocking bird Q ^ $ Pete Brown $ waz diskovered g) 1856* Windy *Pete waz diskovered V3 © stealing chickens I more weather | now brile quails $ o 3 wind easterly maketh * the * harte ! sik :|: more softness ft * Lucy Smith fl| married 1800 © $ ? it rains S' I I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 *9 20 21 22 2 3 2 4 2 5 26 27 28 29 30 3i ©_ M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W Items. Bracing weather © now squeeze O tf 3 • apples for sider SI more cool 5 Q Sam Lewis d ? died d 1492 3 frost £? & Sam "$ * waz * a * hard * © shell f" Babtiss mutch frost 3* A fi now exkavate - p-o-t-a-t-o-s-e - II 3 kold grows V Solaman ess O g 8 TT[ I 2 3 4 5 6 f 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 i5 16 i7 18 J 9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F Items. ^ Sloppy times $ now the pig $ & £ yells >fc more □ kold :|: Warren O Davis failed n # mutch weather } $ Warren Q ^ Davis >fc failed =£= & *& in the pea ^« nutt trade ^ wet sloppines (£y iS\ O Judas waz a A/3 ded beat c_ • lijnjkjrjejajsjijnig! 9 weather A expekt O pak pedlars B ^ more 5 kold rfr a stich in { © ft time saves 2{ A nine ^JFJJ snow $ storm ~ Mag -3 Birch * died * 1826 K hi winds J Mag want ± ^ l^j ^w Neck: Breast. Bowels. Secrets. Knees, /^/. 2B ^ SUGGESTION. When an old phello marriz a yung wife, he gennerally haz taken a kontrakt he kant phill. QUESTIONS, AND ANSWERS. Q. — When iz the right time to marry? A. — Enny whare between 21, and ninety-four years. Q.— What iz a woman's chief joy in this world? A. — Her own or sumboddy else's baby. Q. — Which iz the most diffident, and humbel kritter amung the animals ? A. — A bob tailed kat, probberbly. Q. — How menny yards ov 5 dollar silk duz it take to make a dress. A. — I dont kno, but it allwuss takes 2 yards and a haff more than yu buy the fust time. Q. — What do mankind gennerally take the most pride in? A . — In summing their nabors haint got, nor kant git. Q. — What two persons in the whole congregashun, need the clusset watching ? A. — A praying pollytisian, and an offishus deakon. Q. — How iz the best way to git rid ov kokroaches ? A. — Sell out yure house, and lot, and jine the gipseys. Q. — What cums the nearest to makeing a woman sware? A. — To hav her clothes line brake when it iz full ov a Monday's washing. Q. — Which iz the two most thankless jobs in this world ? A. — To keep skool, and be an undertaker. Q. — How do yu define experience ? A. — Experience iz the science ov finding out how deep a mill pond iz, by wading into it, and drowning. DOUBLETS. I kant help but respekt the heathen, they hav made az good a showing on their kapital, az the christians hav. Next to the mother in law, cums the Grandmother, to regulate the cook, the kat, and the baby. TRIALS AND PERSEKUSHUNS OV AN A UTHOR. Josh Billings' "Farmer's Allminax " for the year 1878 is now on our desk, and why will the friends of this man allow him to disgrace himself, and humanity too, by spreading such nonsense broadcast through the land? St. Louis Advance. Vile trash ! when are we to be released from this annual overflow, this ideotick Allminac? Kind heaven, tell us when. Milwaukee Daily Bread. Over Ninety Thousand of Josh Billings' "Farmer's Allminax" are sold each year. How long iz this to continue ? Will not the publick arise in their insulted dignity, and drive this pest from the world ? Boston Pilgrim. Shoot him ! shoot the "Allminax" maker. Arkansas Bo7i>ie Knife. Alass ! alass ! is there no eskape, is thare no place in the wide world that we can fly to, and be free from this sickening visit — this yearly avalanche ? A curse on " Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax." Chicago Budget. REMARKS, Three kard monte iz a game ov chance, the chance iz, that yu will git badly beat, unless yu play it alone. When thare iz 2 plays the game, sumbody iz bound to git hurt. Girls are a more risky crop to raize than boys, if a boy makes a bad blunder, he kan wipe out the slate once, or even twice, and begin again, but a girl kant. I kant tell who old Probabilitiz iz, but he iz a smart kuss, aint he ? Whiskee iz one ov the tonicks, i think, but i aint sure, i kno it iz one ov the tanglelegs, for I hav seen it tried often. Yu kan sell a fast horse in Nu York at yure own price, provided he iz fast enuff. But dont bring enny 3 minnitt kattle to Nu York, the ice kream, and the milk men, drive faster than that. Our old fellows, in Nu York, menny ov them who hav seen 70 years, when they go out onto the hard roads, dont take enny but 2.25 dust. Speaking ov kats mi opinyun remains unchanged, they are az full ov flaws, az a March wind iz. Yu kan make a lawyer, or a minister ov your son, either ov them are decent callings enufT, but neither ov them will make him respektabel, unless they are well filled. Nuzepaper hacks are harder workt, and poorer fed, than livery stable horses. Authors, and skribblers, az a klass, are a self konsaited, and seedy set, and I believe a literary man, when he gits poor, and shiny, iz the poorest looking kritter on the footstool. LINT. No atheist, with all hiz boasted bravery, haz ever dared to advertize his beleaf, on hiz tomb stun. A baby iz a necessity, but twins allwuss did seem to me, to be ov a spekulative natur. 31 Days. JANUARY. 1878. The yung Trotter at first \ Az he stands bi hiz dam, Iz all legs like a shanghi, And az meek az a lam. o ? I T 2 W 3 T 4 F 5 S 6 G 7 M 8 T 9 W IO T ii F 12 S 13 G 14 M 1'S T 16 W 17 T 18 F 19 S 20 G 21 M 22 T 23 W 24 T 25 F 26 S 27 G 28 M 29 T 30 W 31 T Brevitys. i^tx Now prospekt for fl^° ice .Jgfl sighns ov kold 71^ 3 the bumble bee iz still [?] very *^t kold S Pete Hyer 12 perished 1814 TT£ n more ^ kolder \Pet m choked/ =0= to deth < big — : snouness :— Pete Hyer | waz "f 1 hung A fine $*&% O sleighing £? raw- but S2 kold ^* now 3 puntch =0= fires < more T snow > hooping TTJJ S cough invented ! = ? 1206 more □ rauness now () pay (!) yure c_tax_u snow 4 \ feet deep -fr Jane ~ -: Barker ¥ fell :- 1832 (oq) more fgt K kolder !' Jane^J & Barker S fell V (fl^p'down cellar ( !) □ now Tf krak o >buttnu 1 1 s.< BRILLIANTS. I allwuss think that it iz good taste, and pretty good religion too, when a man prays for the sins ov the people, to count himself in. , Wimmin dont like to be loved too mutch, and i rejoice in their spunk. Heathens, poor benighted krit- ters, dont indulge in horse trotts, nor law suits neither. If you hav enny doubt about the propriety ov a thing, you may be pretty certain that the doubt iz right. 7 THE CUCKOO, AND THE JACKDAW. The cuckoo iz about the size ov four small robins, and iz one ov the fust birds to tell us that spring haz fairly cum. This iz kind in the cuckoo, and they ought to hav a vote ov thanks, and a gold medal besides. Their song iz a good deal like the song ov a tin whissell, all in one key, but enny kind ov a song, from enny living kreature, iz acceptable. These birds hav one spot in their naturs entirely diffrent from enny animate thing I kno ov, they dont seem to possess the least particle ov affeckshun for their little cuckoos. They never bild enny nests, but lay their eggs in other birds nests, and let them do the hatching. This would be called smart in a man, but seems to me, iz darn mean in a bird. I wonder whare they lernt this trick. THE J A CKDA W. The jackdaw, like the raven, iz born ov blak parents, and iz about one quarter the size ov the common krow. Their food seems to konsist ov enny thing, and their appetights are az klamarous az a distrikt skool just let out to play, at lunch time. They lay two eggs, and both eggs would probberly hatch out if they waz solid, for the Jackdaw iz bound to liv, and prosper. They luv man, and his ways, and are allwuss found az kluss to him az they kan git. CHIPS. The best relief for the rumatiz, that haz been diskov- ered yet, iz to find sum phellow who haz got the gout bad, and then pitty him. o About the time a man haz got old enufF to travel a good gait on hiz experience, death taps him on the shoulder, and wants him just around the corner. 28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1878. But he grows like a weed^ ' Till he iz four years old, He iz hi headed, and rangey, Flat-footed, and bold. (!) F i 2 S 3 G 4 M 5 T 6 W 7 T 8 F 9 S IO G ii M 12 T *3 W 14 T i.S F 16 S i7 G 18 M 19 T 20 W 21 T 22 F 23 S 24 G 25 M 26 T 27 W 28 T Brevitys. v^&t Kold :: more so dC& now thrash ¥ beans ftfc vei 7 ^ kolder > Betsey — : Mitchell E born 3 1842 (&y kold -i- continues K /Betsey Mitchell -: had -h- a &JT" cork leg < I J kolder || still f *^t now smite Q) wood ocwind west § Hank Brewster :: died 1796 c~ snow N falls £ Hank N Brewster § died a [\ Z lazyness \ kold 02 waxes § now the f hornet izhushg sum more snow * whiske iz a tonick= very ^f kold: -now pla kards it thaws $ Lazarus died poor \m sighns ov snow en now ^ renew notes :: more snowokeep calm. BA UBLES. About the hardest condishun ov life to sustain, iz one ov re spektable poverty. Thare are folks who kant bear to do enny thing unless thare iz a commishun in it, if they subskribe a thousand dollars for bilding a church, they want 10 per cent off for cash. The man who kant find enny thing to do, gennerally hunts with grate caushun. Buty has won menny a viktory but seldum has suckceeded in keeping it long. K. Kontentment iz not one ov mi strong holts, i never am kontented unless i am fast asleep. If i could hav mi choice, to be thoroly kontented with things az i find them in this world, or be a Rockaway klam, i would be the klam. Z. Luv iz a game for young folks to pla at, but when a man gits az old, and az homely az i am, and takes a hand at it, he iz sure to git ukered. If ten waz the game, Cupid could giv an old phellow seven points, and then beat him badly. M. Milk Puntch iz a fluid that i do luv extrornary well, and aint ashamed to oun it. But whether it iz the milk in it, or the puntch in it, that suits me so well, i aint obliged to tell. Human natur iz weak yu kno, and needs a little puntching up, in a hot day. N. Nonsense iz one ov mi prinsipal weaknesses, i luv it in any shape, but az quails on toast improve the quails, and dont hurt the toast, so i prefer to hav mi nonsense bilt on sense. Good nonsense iz one ov the rarest artikles in the literary bazaar, and allwuss commands admirashun, and fetches a good price. SQUIBS. Human beings are natral slovens, yu hav got to hold a yung one tight to wash hiz face the fust time, and to comb hiz hair, yu hav acktually got to run him down. The man who haint never bin cheated, dont kno so mutch az he will sum day before long perhaps. 10 31 Days. MARCH. 1878. yg J^G^v ^y^ ///\ ^>K j&^S^l fv' A' v** 2r/fM -^^'7 %mW ». s «•»,*——" ^v J&ts ^5^ Then he iz hamesst, and broke, A hard task indeed, And handled quite gently, To draw out his speed. £l V3 I F 2 S 3 G 4 M s T 6 W 7 T 8 F 9 S io G ii M 12 T »3 W 14 T 15 F 16 S 17 G 18 M 19 T 20 W 21 T 22 F 23 S 24 G 2S M 26 T 27 W 28 T 29 F 30 S 31 G Brevitys . £7 Windy :— now hunt for f$j maple sugar go :— mutch 3 -H-wind © Jabez x Brown $^* run S away O 1840:— it trains — : Jabez O *$£i run £? away with (^) Suzan TH, 3 Fletcter + now > the frog ftta HT- ! y ells ! *££) (Qwindy n some 3 haste fit* makes $ gy waste ( ! ) rain $^1 and o wind (£ now == fri *^t nutcakes fg* sum * i—more -k- wind =; f Joel f Sprauge f mar rid 1400 > wind A nor west < now H murder -h- S kats £2 more :: wind gq buty 1^ for / ashes < 4- wind * howleth :: E sow £r peas ^ g more go s slow *^, BAGATELLES. An illustrious pedigree iz a risky possesshun, the world wont kompare you with yure peers, nor with yureself, but are all the time striking a ballance between you, and yure ded grandfather A ded beat yl a natural born hipokrit, he haz kapasity enuff to make him respektable, but the devil holds a fust mortgage on it. A careless man in a family iz simply a noosance, but a sluttish woman iz wuss than a blister. I hav finally got to that point whare I aint very posative ov what other people kno, and aint at all certain ov what I kno miself. THE CENTAUR. The centaur iz not an Amerikan, but blooms in the land far away to the eastward, whare th£ muskeeto iz unknown, and whare the pensiv kokroach putteth in no appearance. He is harT horse, and haff sum other phellow, and hunts for fun, and sumthing to eat. He haz got a hed on him like Demostheneze ov old, and wears hiz hair short in front, but flooded down on hiz nek, and over hiz shoul- ders, like a growth ov yung hop vines, in a hot house. Hiz instrument iz a bo, and arro, and he kan assassinate the stupendous elephant 440 yards distant, or pik a sin- gle feather off from the top ov a humming birds hed on the fly. The centaur allwuss hunts on horsebak, and leads a free and cheap life. When in the ackt ov shoot- ing the vast elephant, or the remorseless tiger, hiz hed iz thrown finely bak, hiz eye gleams like a lost Jewell, hiz hair quivers like an aspen leaf, courage smiles in hiz face, hiz breast grows wider, and the muscles in hiz arm hang down like hornets' nests, hiz tale whips the air, and hiz hooffs ov steel ring on the turf. I hav et plain hash untill i am tired ov it, and would like no better phun than to mount a centaur, without enny bridle on him, and with a mermaid in front ov me, and a ghost behind, take a free, and rekless ride, a ride ov genius, to the ends ov the earth. But I suppoze I should git sik ov this, in a day, or two, and want to ride sumthing else. IMPS. Poverty haz been called safe, but poverty even, haz got to lock up its mouldy bread, and cheeze, or loze it. Honesty iz the rarerest welth enny one kan possess, and yet all the honesty in the world, aint lawful tender for a loaf ov bread. m 30 Days. APRIL. 1878. When he reaches six years, He iz called a /till horse, And iz thought fit to trot, For a puss on the course. I M 2 T i W 4 T 5 F 6 S 7 G 8 M 9 T IO W ii T 12 F 13 S 14 G I.S M 16 T 17 W 18 T 19 F 20 S 21 G 22 M 2 3 T 24 W *5 T 26 F 27 S 28 G 29 M 3o T Brevitys. • Soft weather the dandylion |^i cometh n~ warm rain :: now the to robin = skreameth v — sum — ' more If softness ^ Bill Baxter IS? sprained $ hiz = ankle :: 1836= it rains O ITU Venuss waz »^J ^ the (T) goddess 12 ovbutyN bright < day K \ now chuck gs in ^^ onion £ seed X 7$ m fid V3 © and © pretty £? •h- Ben Franklin :: == iz ded :: mutch rain =s £ now = & fish c~ for |^t suckers = wind V3 southy T^ by J © south < Bacchus waz a winebibber J ur soft V3 rain & en Sam J Perkins > :— died 1813 © hot the violet iz riere ! ! REVOLVERS. He who haz nothing to do in this world but to amuze himself, haz got the hardest job on hand I kno ov. Thare iz nothing that yu and I, make so menny blunders about, and the world so few, az the aktual amount ov our importance. The fust thing a man duz in the morning, iz to feel for hiz pocket-book, and the fust thing a woman duz, iz to see if the looking glass iz all right. He who works for notoriety had rather be insulted, than not be notissed at all. 13 THE AUCKSHIONEER. The auckshioneer iz an unfortunate individual who duz other peoples lieing for 10 dollars a day, and boards himself. He haz got az mutch jaw az a wolf trap, and as mutch cheeck az a 10 year old mule. He takes up the profeshun quite often on the same principle that a horse doktor duz hiz, not bekause he iz fit for the bizz- ness, but just to hav one in the naborhood. His gratest pride iz to mingle what he calls humor with hiz talk when he iz on the block, but hiz jokes are gennerally az level az a kold slapjax. He iz at the hight ov hiz am- bishun when he haz worried a laff out ov the bistanders, and uses the same rhetorick, and similees, when he sells out a line ov bank securitys, that he duz, when he closes out an old one-eyed pelter, under a chattell mortgage, in frunt ov the kourt house. A kuntry auckshioneer, and a kuntry horse jockey, are two wonderphull cusses, in the rural deestrikts. I hav been an auckshioneer and kno what i am talking about. THE OLD MAID. The old maid iz the last gooseberry left on the bush, ded ripe, and reddy to fall off at the fust good shake. She iz sumtimes a leetle hard to suit, but iz quite often the most charming relick in the naborhood. Next to mothers in law, old maids hav been abuzed more than enny thing human, but they all ov them hav a warm spot in their hearts, that enny decent person iz welkum to krawl into, and sun themselfs. BLISTERS. Too mutch attenshun to little things spiles a man for bigger ones, I kno a fellow who kan make a fust rate whissell out ov a pigs tail, and this iz all he kan do. o Wit, in a woman, kan never replace the want ov buty. 14 31 Days. MAY. 1878. Five years ov fasst work. He iz bunged up, and done^ Knee sprung, and spavined, Hiz spirit iz gone. i 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 IO ii 12 *3 14 15 16 17 18 *9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 w T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F Brevitys. COBWEBS. X? Butiful May ! air © softly a l^now churn^JFS butter — : rainy O ©Mose Sherman S| 9$h born 1792 ^ :— wind \ fitful — : :: Mose Sherman % -f- waz a tinker ds] i*&x soft day fgi now bury beans % — : warm #* rain= — the f way \ ov-h- * the transgressor f iz hard o~ gentle % weather © vs* now the old |$| hen -k- X k akl e t h $ more %* weather* Juno % waz t tne t J wife ov Jupiter £2 l$£t bright and sum wind — : now egg J hens If for *£* chickens*^ wind sow bi ux sow -east $^a Tf Vulcan || was ^[ D a blak A smith § warmer ^ all If natur ^1 jumps If Tf hot go Sam f^i & Burbanks born % 1812 /a hotsum rain f£i Sam playd the juice§ harp mutch growthy FRIZZLE. About all us old fellows kan do to enny advantage, iz to nuss our rumatizz quietly in sum corner, and guess, that it iz a going to rain tommorow, or that it aint. Military taktiks are a good thing to fite injuns with, when the injuns are 65 miles off, but when the fite cums, yu want to kill the injuns fust, and then alter the case to fit the taktiks. A woman never iz more happy than when she haz four men waiting on her all to once, but more than one woman fussing over a man at the same time, makes him feel dredphull unsartin. Thare iz nothing will demoral- ize a man fasster, than to git into the habit ov doing hous work. 17 TWO LETTERS. Dear Laubenhimer. — I dont know who writ "Babes in the Woods" but who ever did, hit natur. I hav forgot now the diagnosis ov the book, all i kan remember iz, i red it when i waz a boy, and i bought one 25 years after that for mi son, and only last week, bought another for mi grandson, and when he grows up to be a man, and iz wed, and haz results, he will buy it for hiz children. Robinson Kruso, Jak the Giant Killer, and babes in the woods, will wear az long az allminaxes will. I dont kno az thare iz a partikle ov bible truth in them, but they are so wonderphull, that if they didn't never cum to pass, it seems az tho they ought to. Dear Onderdonk. — Thare iz only one way to brake a kiking heifer, and that iz, to stop her growth bi deth. When a heifer gits to kiking, the smartest mishionary in the world kant console her, she will kik over her own mother, just az liberally az she will a perfekt stranger. They will allways manage to stand middling still untill yu git the pail just about full, and then for fear they wont hit it, they will kik with both feet to oust, and squeal into the bargain. After they hav kikt the milk over, they are perfektly resighned, and will stand and chew their kud, and let yu milk them for two hours if yu want to. B UO YS. The fust man that waz murdered in this world waz the only pure one living at that time. I like to see all things true to natur, even a hornet that kant sting, is a melankolly failure. 18 31 Days. JULY. 1878. Next to a kart> He plods > and he moans, A skeleton phantom, A mere rak ov bones. I I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 i5 16 i7 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G ivL T W Brevitys. If Grate 8 warmnessj *^t now the %$£% 8- hopper grass e J|^ £? laffeth ^ sum Q& more hot 1[ Pan § waz T a shephard J (£y more heat ^f ^ Fred Munson ^ x^ broke his $y 3 arm f 1386 Q) ££ thunder and ^ 3 litening ^ now the ram butteth ^ ([£if p, growing hot £? now probed for i*> ice kream more $|£t thunder $g* T multiplikashun § table diskovered +o 826 ££1 now twitch lettiss g\ more /*s heaty fclp Jane If Ferguson O K now keep ^ cool 3 ** ©thunders© hark !!! ^ K BREAKS. Politeness never makes enny blunders, it often gits snubbed, but never gits beat. When you cum akrost a man that neither flattery, nor abuse, wont stimulate, let him alone, he haz gone to seed. Thare iz nothing more bekum- ing than humality, and nothing that most ov people are more ashamed ov. It iz a grate art to kno how to giv gracephully, I hav seen good light bread change into a stone, in passing from one hand to another. 25 : THE APPLE. The apple iz the oldest fruit on reckord, and one ov the best. The fust ackount we hav ov it, was in the gardin ov Eden. Eve iz sed to hav et the fust one, and pronounced it good, and made Adam take a bight. The eating ov this apple never has been konsidered mutch ov a hit for the rest ov us. The apple will keep longer than enny other fruit, if it aint eaten, and kan be workt up into apple sass, and dumplings, with grate suckcess. I kan tell a mans tru karakter, bi what he eats, or drinks, clusser than i kan to hear him deliver a temp- ranse lektur. Talk of all kinds iz artyfishall, but vittles, and drinks, iz natur. Whenever yu see a man cussing, and svvareing at apple sass, and good light dumplings, yu can bet 10 dollars, on mi ackount, that he aint a good fireside man. Apples also, when they are well squeezed, produce cider, which iz next to milk, az a fertilizer. Egnogg owes most ov its glory unto cider. Champane wine would be dredphull skarse in market if it want for cider, and good sharp vinegar would be az unkommon az piety, or tru affeckshun, if it wazn't for cider. Jersey lightning also kums from cider, this iz the only wicked thing i ever knu cider to do. Jersey lightning haz scalded more people than hot water ever haz, and killed more than Minnie rifles. FOAM. Thare iz nothing which a chaste, and refined woman detekts so quick as the atmosphere ov an impure man. Contentment haz been praized more, and prakticed less, than enny other condishun ov life. 26 30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1878. Now they kart him azvay — Forgot, and forsaken. To far-famed "Barren Island," The Trotter iz taken. I F 2 S 3 G 4 M 5 T 6 W 7 T 8 F 9 S IO G ii M 12 T 13 W 14 T 15 F 16 S 17 G 18 M J 9 T 20 W 21 T 22 F 23 S 24 G 25 M 26 T 27 W 28 T 29 F 30 S Brevitys. g Cold the cricket XX chirps % ess faintly ess more c o 1 d y ^ now \\ trap O for minks ^ ifgi it snows 1^1 X Ruben Hatfieid % obsquatulated 181 1 fi^"" chilly ^^3 TTfi Reuben % was % a toll/gate || keeper \ now Tf bruize * UtalP w/o/o/d iQx colder mutch © 1 thou f shalt T not s-n-o-r-e © in *^i thy "0| sleep ~ very 3 co °l D || meazles || found ] 1492 TT£ Bob O Barnes © died 1603 raw % but cold § Bob Barnes X was Q) a vegitinarian \\} more snow Q Bob Barnes waz a kold || potato © champion ess 2^~ Farewell ^3 ± my boys ! ! ! X SNOW FLAKES. I like philosophy on general principles, but the man who in- vented the frickshun match, a cent a box, haz dun the world more good, than than the author ov the stoick philosophy. Thare iz a grate menny fresh water martyrs on the footstool, folks whoze gratest pride iz to tell us what a miserable time they hay allways had ont. Advice and phisick are so plenty, that the man who makes enny blunders, or gits sick, must be a phool. A vain man lets us see all hiz weak points, and hides hiz strong ones. 27 THE AVERAGE BOARDING HOUSE. I hav lived in boarding houses long enuff to decide, that most ov them are the most cheerless, and unfriendly places on earth. The alms house, or the hospital, iz a more luvly spot to liv in, than the average boarding house. They are kept bi females, gennerally about 45, or 46, years old, and never gits enny older, who wears a blak allpacka dress, az slippery, and shiny, as a piece ov pattent leather, and who kan bio a butcher klean out ov hiz stall, or lift the false hair oph from the heds, ov one ov her Bridgets, when she gets to argueing the case hot. Her house iz furnished from top to bottom with faded furniture, the spoils ov a thousand aukshun sales, which iz the only place she visits, except the meat, and vege- table markets. Everything on the table, and about the house, inkluding attendance, iz meazzured out at the rate ov about nine ounces to the pound, and the whole thing runs dry, and squeaking like the axles ov a waggon, in want ov grease. Thare iz not one solitary, genuine cumfort, in theze concerns, and men, and wimmin, liv, year after year, in theze hash asylums, cursing them every day, and without the moral force to desert them. I was once told ov one landlady who kept a party ov four young fellows in her house, two months longer than they wanted to stay, bi putting a ten cent stamp into the hash every morning. The landlady dealt out the hash, and managed to get the stamp every time. DUST. The way of the transgressor iz hard, — and there ain't no transgressor kan dodge it neither. Experience iz about all that old age can boast ov, and how often iz even this ov the bitterest kind. 28 31 Days. DECEMBER. 1878. Thar hiz hide is stript off, And tzvo dollars brings, And his bones are workt up, Into buttons and things. 8 M I G 2 M 3 T 4 W 5 T 6 F 7 S 8 G 9 M IO T n W 12 T *3 F 14 S i5 G 16 M 17 T 18 W r 9 T 20 F 21 S 22 G 23 M 24 T 25 W 26 T 27 F 28 S 29 G 30 M 3* T Brevitys. Orphull § kold^ now Gs hunt § for $£1 ice £? it .JgJ O waxes kolder ± O Zeke • Davis £j born 1850 =£= big © ~ s-n-o it* storm («j ^ Zeke waz^ /a -H- henpecked 21 man it is winter now \ the $&% cow s-h- i-v-e-r-e- t-hA (£ more *2k bitter g> 3 Adam / was (E3pa phooLJglB <3 more £$ snow Q) || now maim wood f dredphull T> cold y ~*-^ m a n is ~»— * /a~f-a-i-l-u-r-e I /S\ wind northy [CP bi (»j north 6 now pay gs your honest dets ] it grows cold now! comfort | your wife (!) more snow Buy Josh Billings' A-1-l-m-i-n-a-x § sighns ov a thaw (?) Let 0) us 3 meet Sphere again^g^ SKIMMINGS. I have a grate kuriosity now to kno when the next flood is a going to take place, and whether thare kan be found on the face ov the earth a crew fit to man the next ark with. 00© I hav heard wize men phrovesy, and fools guess, all mi life, but i never hav kept enny count which ov them haz got it right the oftenest. — — aoo When i waz a boy i allwuss wanted tommorow to cum, in middle life i wanted a day to last allways, now that i hav got older? i look at yesterday, and to day, and compare them with tom- morow, and wonder what all this fuss iz about. -C0O- Thare iz lots ov people in this world, who spend so mutch time watching their healths, that they haint got no time to enjoy it. 29 A LONG PARAGRAFF. Guessing iz a dredphull poor trade, i had just about az soon hav a man tell me a lie az to guess at a thing, in case ov doubt ask yure wife, when the sun shines wimmin aVe butterflys, and luv to bask in its rays, but when the dark hours cum, and even hope begins to look over its shoulder, ask yure wife about it, and she will either puntch a hole thru the klowd, or lift up one corner ov it, and sho yu a star, I luv babys, i luv them bekauze they are aktually necessary, I luv them bekauze they wont lie, I luv them bekauze they may be the next president sum time, i luv them bekauze i waz a baby once miself, and perhaps sumboddy loved me, i hav sumtimes thought gamblers were az honest az they kan afford to be, they allwuss giv notiss before hand that they will cheat you if they kan, I beleave in one wife, one dog, and one friend, with a few cheerfull acquaintances thrown in to make up the assortment, doenutts and cheeze are lawful tenders in Nu England, nine doenutts, a quarter ov a pound ov old cheeze, and a pint ov sharp sider, iz a luncheon fit for a nuly elekted Justiss ov the Peace, or a trakt pedlar, dandys are things ov the past, I havn't seen a regular full blossomed, old fashioned dandy, going on now seven years, I ***** * SEDIMENT. When a coquet falls in luv, she falls in all over, prudes make a mental reservashun. I would rather number amung mi intimates, an ideot, or even a pikpocket, than infidel. 3o /uit 1-aU. «{ It? T^C fcfr m^u AtL~£, cZn^eA i^yLA\ //^6rr)vi,, BY PARTIKULAR REQUEST. COME AND SEE THE BEST PIANOS MADE IN THE WORLD, CHICKERING'S. PRICES are LOW and TERMS VERY REASONABLE warerooms: chickering hall, 130 Fifth Avenue, New York. 156 Tremont Street, Boston. QUESTIONS AND REPLIZE. Q. — What iz the best religious kreed to hav ? A. — Charity. If a man will swop off all the religious kreed he haz got on hand, and invest the proceeds in charity, he will allwus be proud ov the job. Q. — Will yu pleze define an Enthuziast ? A. — An Enthuziast iz a party who beleaves about 4 times az mutch az he kan prove, and who kan prove about 4 times az mutch az ennyboddy else beleaves. Q. — What three things hav dun the most to civilize the world ? A. — The Bible, the looking-glass, and the muskett. Q. — Whitch iz the most reddy animile ? A. — The mule — they alwuss sleep standing, so to be on hand when the kiking begins to flow. Q # — What iz the quikest food on reckord ? A. — The oyster on the hafl shell — they kan be et sitting, standing, or on the run. TOO MUTCH OV A FIT. fits farrrtAiZ awststars^&v eft rt &>~u(u TfoU^, &?r» | starch < *^i ft snows %&* • i n v e n t e du 3 now § 1835 & ^ / iz O the / £? ©winter © SamO ov our Peterkin • * diskontent * # $ for/* f holder x> § 1202 $ more § kolder & !| ® &*l — now — was — f)rake*tfQ) > © in x> ice © < #*#» X *^« * sighns &\\the frov^W fr o g Q snow O Zr>j Q kolder Q £$ stilly nowTT^S snow 1$ c_ 'Q jam Q2 |/«/ I fires Q deep ~] — f Mozes $$ a t h aw • kolder © cider Q Yung man, set down, and keep still, yu will hav plenty ov chan- ces yet to make a phool ov yure- self before yu die. It iz a wize man who proffits bi hiz own experience — but it iz a good deal wizer one, who lets the rattlesnaik bite the other phellow. Take all the phools out ov this world, and thare wouldn't be enny phun, nor proffit living in it. Allmost enny phool kan prove that the bible aint true, it takes a wize man to beleave it. 7 BOSS OV THE SITUASHUN. &£o* ewsnrv) yncrrt /^ut^^ \fi C^o ffiuL> YURES, WITH PROFOUND RESPEKT. PENNSYLVANIA RAILROAD. Great Trunk Line and U, S. M ail Route, NEW YORK TICKET OFFICES: No. 626 Broadway, No. 944 Broadway, No. 1 Astor House, Depot, Jersey City, Depot, Foot of Desbrosses St., No. 8 Battery Place, Depot, Foot of Courtland St., Busch's Hotel, Hoboken. BROOKLYN: No. 4 Court St.— Brooklyn Annex Depot, Foot of Fulton St. FRANK THOMSON, General Manager. I«. P. FARMER, Gen'l Pans. Agent. SAM'L CARPENTER, General Eastern Passenger Agent, 526 Broadway, Neto York. ~~8~~ 28 Days. FEBRUARY- PICES, 1879. THE FISHES. Two Perch— possibly one Smelt. ill i 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 J 5 16 i7 iS J 9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 s G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F The Slate. y^-Kold^ now „, waxes g± make „, .Jgfl) snow ax py yiz/Zr — : j- handles < Kate [ aufull > Sherman n | n koldy ■n#!| fell more I| TTJi Kate * * * * O O koldness O * * * * fell i£x //^Odown |^h © % Bumblebee \ % cellar Bt^".^) /^J" £ «07*/ dreaming S fJM&fc * kolderQ buttnutts O =0= 1/ 3 Adam £j snows $ g Brown c — n *V g kreated 0>K thaws v 1400 Adam =%? w^r* Y .r«0a/ Y waz ZZ now a J natral || &T pay kuss^^J dets f Ben • stillui Franklin © kolder @ a $ waz \thawy/\ a«|[ kardt CENTER SHOTS. I would az soon think ov pull- ing the feathers out ov a peakoks tale, az to interfere with inosent vanity ov a man. When a wize man undertakes to do a kunning thing he allmost allways makes a mizerable failure ov it. Marrid life iz a little game, in which the woman, if she iz called, iz allmost sure to hav a strate flush. The man who knows a thing, and can tell it in the fewest words, iz the hardest kind of a man to beat in a kross examinashun. KAN THIS BE THUS? dhi. dxmt^ et ktwt&ris a Yrustahi ,amd a wwrxk*; vlhjim. a. mam sets dm^a bovrwnkt/foT; (k © -* — * — now ig&xhowls g\ tan£g* more Q) woodchuk > wind czi skins < Pete — wind 0-0 Perkins 0-O r-i-z-e-s $£., b-o.r-n #{more $3 1840^} win dfu II Pete %* it © rains f g* waz / ^^U) - coloured- (£gF* sighns $ ^ £ he ©waz * 0Z/3 # -H- j//f?w -8a > violet a>~~© ackounts tSJ hat /_ more en *•#/» & windjull \%\tw* * §-§ £/\t out A/A uA) y usrz jbcut \awdw/A/nQ sterol , awd Qo ^rhiL ru^ct (LcfU^. ~ PARDON THIS INTRUSHUN. STUETEVANT HOUSE, IS IN THE CENTRE OF THE CITY, BROAD WAY, 28th and 29th Sts., NEW YORK, WITH ELEVATOR. Rooms with Board, $2.50, 3.00, and 3.50 per day, ACCORDING TO LOCATION. Rooms on European Plan, $1.00 per day. L & G. S. LELAND, Proprietors. 14 31 Days. MAY. 1879. GEMINI, THE TWINS. Dubletts — a lucky throw. i 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 The Slate. A»SV>//1]"now3) 9 «« a*now w mild*&. .... I snatch | . . . C I -H- 0-H-0 -H- *$©$!?&« lettiss (taw C^a^i^n fi&w #* wind A Able < s ut hy § now K butiful sot K : : weather \ \ Q h*;e::n*]s o more (C A Q) Gen - %-%eooler\-% >-r~ Grant —t~ w***n*<* %$W waz & «?rM ^ a ^* & f ralw *& a O wSS SO, 6W«f*>0^*H^ LISTEN TO THE MOCKING BURD. UNION ADAMS, MEN'S FURNISHING GOODS. The Largest and Best Variety in this Country. 1127 BROADWAY, Between 25th and 26th Sts., NEW YORK CITY. 30 Days. JUNE. CANCER, 1879. THE KRAB. A Shell-Fish— pretty mutch all shell. i 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 15 16 i7 18 r 9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T w T F S G M The Slate. -f- Hottisk % now A-b-e-1 © — r~ V ^ so A /taw = * Young * rainy < &tf ©man % Judith© wetty § Ferguson \ cooler marrid py P ^^ 7 warmth © 1846 £ now © w/W H Q--* bild tuj isW/jy bokays |o> fw/ir •: Columbus H- it & r««*x -H found % hotter &* D a Amerika BLOSSOMS. Yu kan possibly argy a man out ov hiz religion, but you kant out ov the color ov hiz nektye, or the squeeze ov hiz boots. Luv between wimmin iz impossi- ble, even friendship iz only prak- tikabel. Thare iz nothing so skarse az originality, even an original phool would be a grate relief just now, The man who never makes enny blunders iz a very nice piece ov masheenery, — that's all. 17 THARE SEEMS TO BE WISDUM IN THIS. mk /d Ulmj^anJL 7Jt B hiL hmy* %kv±cj Mw, h^ tt-k*- JUST FOR THE FUN OV THE THING. The New York Weekly. PROPRIETORS: FRANCIS S. STREET. FRANCIS S. SMITH. THE GREAT STORY PAPER OF THE WORLD. Circulation Over 350,000. 18 31 Days. JULY. 1879. i 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 15 16 i7 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 3i LEO, THE LION. Strayed oP Stolen. — Return to P. 7. Barnum. T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T The Slate. $ Grate warmth the ¥ sighns ~~ -3 — hog ov — 9 panteth (C$3 @ -f- ^ now % hotter dig — □ <£ □ — #* O < hottish had litening*\ fll^-y^-the heart y *7 * rains y ^-3 ailment -D^t George ] . : • • : * . : • j © #*0r* $ ra/V* © 1 • : •" : * Washington V3 windy m fit \3 cooler M'p* ' into 22 S 8 bright 3 £ 3 the !§i tf{ revolushun frvery *o nozv& — (Q hot keep 3 — litening *•*** 000/ RAINBOWS. I never tri to settle other peo- ples quarrells, i hav seen men tri to do this, and git badly whipt bi both partys. Hunting for happiness iz like hunting for hen's eggs away under the barn, after yu hav fonnd them, hafF the time yu find they are addled. Thare iz lots ov people in this world who say they haint got enny faith in a heaven or hell, and yet they hav got faith enuff to invest their last dollar in a lottery ticket, or a bottle ov quak medisin. I kno ov men whoze word iz better than their bond, these are the knight errants ov honesty. 19 BUTIFULL, BUT FRAIL. dfos A BlO^nj s, amd /^ Ji^n*- ^Acurt iz. z. Thuyics In 7/us yfor^d. fyur which rvz cure Yuuvtrt- /hd/u HERE WE PITCH OUR TENT. THE WORLD'S CHAMPION SAFES. (Established 1841, J Fire-Tried. Time-ProTen. Received International Exhibition Awards — London, Paris, New York, and Philadelphia. HERRING & CO., 251 & 252 Broadway, New York. 31 Days. AUGUST, 1879. VIRGO, THE VIRGIN, Sweet 1 6 {sub rosa 38). 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 J 9 20 21 22 2 3 24 2 5 26 27 28 29 30 3i A F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G M T W T F S G The Slate. %* Big Sam \& shower **■ % -* Loyd (Qheaty 7TL born3 mutch — n — wet X 1820 © now K wind ** A k hive 8 sou * east * flg|p* bees % h-o-n-e-s-t-y #• JWtfr* ^ hot -X- iz O the thund r % A % best tf«^ P policy litening& & Moses (Q fetfmf □ and Q) l-i-g.h-t % A-a-r-o-n ^ &zrnaA\ yvko SWzvUoiAstcl 7%jl Just oysfer; br(jyy\ /nA nalP skibCi mAxst/icw 6-ejuy^ WE WILL SEE YU LATER. Astor House Bottjnda. OYSTERS RAW, OYSTERS FRIED, OYSTERS on the HALF SHELL, OYSTERS IN EVERY STYLE. Astor House Oyster Counter, BROADWAY, NEW YORK. G. K. LANSING, Manager. ALLEN & BAM, Proprietors. 22 30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1879. LIBRA, THE SKALES. For full particulars enquire ov E. &* T. Fairbanks 6* Co, ® © The Slate. ZZ Cool * now 6 and % pik X 3 kloudy (I) geese O Dave -8 x %• rainy &t Pettibone ^ w-i-n-d m-a-r-r-i-d $ oc noth he 12 = East g *& g) marrid #*0r* qq for^r— ' »-i — wetty n luv 3 now 3 cooler chew X WF* X more A apples * cooler A Solaman j$l 12 S j/f£V&/ § had mutch ¥ /rw/ ty E S wives $ »fl3j^"" puts — | «//W *[[ in | — southy : : an ^b K> more <3 fck -a-p-p-e-a-r-a-n-c-e- wet/ul - Gen.-*- 3 p windy X Jackson wet * would is & — O (Rswareflj — HOT STUFF. Yung man studdy politeness, even if yu ask a man for hiz tooth pik, after he haz got dun using it, dont fale to thank him politely for it. Lasting friendships kan only exist between equals, superiority insists upon respekt, and inferi- ority iz too often apt to excite pitty. If yu want to find out a man's tru karakter examin him at home bi the fire side, here he iz the hero ov the ockashun, and iz angelick, or devlish, in spite ov himself. Thare aint no sutch things az invenshunS) all things that we hav are diskoverys. *3 MI FRIEND, WHAT DO YU THINK OV THIS? GENTLY WE PRESENT OUR CLAIMS. wm^i PAL - Mi HATT ERS 174 FIFTH AVENUE, 169 BROADWAY ' AND Bet. 22d and 231 St., Hear Courtlandt St., NEW YORK. 31 Days. OCTOBER. SCORPIO, 1879. THE SKORPION. When the pinch comes, he is thar. ft I W 2 T 3 F 4 S 5 G 6 M 7 T 8 W 9 T IO F ii S 12 G 13 M 14 T IS W 16 T 17 F 18 S 19 G 20 M 21 T 22 W 23 T 24 F 25 S 26 G 27 M 28 T 29 W 30 T 3 1 F The Slate. 1§ Frost ly - now winde 6 ask □ \3 rt£, sharp X\ for Jake "I sum jy ~* — -Tanner- **~*— * nu J died J s-i d-e-r £•= cool y Jake ^ wind -* *- waz (C northy A hit Q) sharp O * ^T If by m /r arf Ijr a & /«* jy (T muel »ff ^ 3 — B-o-n-a-p-a-r-t — hold 4 & waz St§t§ W* §+§|§ ov S ■ S tf*** ^frenchta — 1 — falling — . — JQ p-a-r-i-e-n-t-s 3 now— H-—3— © *— C\ still § hunt £ &?/ FLOWERS. Virtew iz the only standard to mezzure men, or things by, it iz possible to be grate, and devlish at the same time. Thare iz only one kind ov per- son who iz fit to liv in solitude, and he iz the one who iz capable ov adorning enny posishun in sosiety. Thoze who hav real merit are the last ones to see it in them- selfs, and the fust ones to see it in others. If thare ever iz a perfektly happy person found in this world, it will be the one who haz got but little, and dont want enny thing more. 25 &N ONE DOLLAR FOR THE FUST INSERSHUN; FOR EACH SUBSEQUENT ONE, 50 CENTS. THE LATCH-STRING HANGS OUTSIDE THE DOOR. Glen House, WHITE MOUNTAINS, N. H. W. & C. R. MILLIKEN, PROPRIETORS. THE SWITZERLAND OF AMERICA. House Open from June to October. TABLE UNEQUALLED. APPOINTMENTS UNSURPASSED. N.B. No Malaria. No Mosquitoes. _ 30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1879. SAGITTARIUS, THE ARCHER. Sarching for the Butts Eye. i 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 io ii 12 13 14 i5 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 7^ *S7tf/*. * £*///>> * the windful X snake ft now A seeks /a puntch hiz 5 y?r*r V3 den Fred fl> n kolder <5 Smith g it 3 ¥ $ rains ££ waz "U ft Tit snowy ^ a3 « — « — Stage 6 pay "HE. driver tf taxes ^D I Fred Q now $ drove ^ /ay O □ O from pew Belchertown l\\ J^* rent X into now * Boston 2 $ & f*K/ itl »V & M* D © n grows ft diskonsolate ft raw -d ^ the © «/*« 8 dfrfat £ kitchen ¥ A* * •rf*/^*§ a » T fire TTJ2. wor* 6 now !? j« — N j/«(y ©i^t® now > #*0r ^C^rvii Oy\^ ea-iz-*^> tf-jr-z) c .^r -y J>y fo-7~L % o&5"X AuU^p r J. O. WHITEHOUSE, MANUFACTURER OF Men's, Boys', Women's and Misses 7 BOOTS & SHOES, No. 22 W-ARREN" ST., Factory, Po'keepsie, J7. Y. MEW YOfcK. 23 A^ "-#* fot~ (fos A /&£&*. f r IRY THE NEW CIGARETTES and TOBACCO. " STRAIGHT "—Rare Old Virginia. " HALVES "—Rare Old Perique and Virginia. New Combination of these Fragrant Tobaccos. 26 £A~ pre re?-v<- ^ g cr-v-z?<~ cc\w /% a- cOu*. ka*sK s 7h, ^oskei^ ^f^Ajrf,, j&%&8,V, YOUMANS' HATS, 719 BROADWAY, New York Hotel. 1105 BROADWAY, Albemarle Hotel. 34 /L4ASVA- i/t&^C OUR RYE AND ROCK CANDY la composed only of BUMG-ARDNER'S Virginia Mountain Rye Whiskey and finest string Rock Candy; $1 per Bottle, $4 per Gallon. Full discount to the trade. Sole Agbnts for the PLEASANT VALLEY WINE CO., Hammondsport, Steuben Co., N. Y. H. B. KIRK & CO., 69 FULTON ST., and 709 BROADWAY, N. Y. ESTABLISHED 1853. 35 Hte" ' y Aa>v S<^c^x. yyi~esi*~* Co-zt.sC a.' ^^..6'C^c °° ' a, Ut^ l / fak7 l fab /Qd&i. y , CASWELL, HAZARD & CO., OF NEW YORK CITY. Established 1780. Under Fifth Avenue Hotel. THE BEST COLOGNE IN THE WORLD. 38 &Z 7^o 4ArCy*j /TtMU^ A^^C O^Con^ & 9-Ctz.T-csi^ /firr-y^Lc (feJk*sJit4**l A. T. DEMAREST & CO., MANUFACTURERS OP FINE CARRIAGES. Established i860. WAREROOMS: 628 BROADWAY, NEW YORK. THE MASON k HAMLIN ORGAN CO. offer the largest assortment of the BEST and CHEAPEST Cabinet or Parlor Organs in the world : winners of HIGHEST HONORS at EVERY WORLD'S EXPOSITION for TWELVE YEARS. Only American Organs award- ed such at any. TWO HIGHEST MEDALS at PARIS EXPOSITION, 1878. One to Twenty-one Stops : prices, $54, $66, $78, $84, $90. $99, $105, $108, $114, $120, $125, $130, $135, $140, $144, $150, and upward. Sold also for Easy payments. Prices are not much higher than those of very inferior organs. Before purchasing he sure to send for latest CATALOGUE with newest styles and lowest net prices. Sent free. 154 Tremont Street, Boston : 46 East 14th St., (Union Square) NEW YORK ; 250 Wabash Ave., CHICAGO. 39 BIZNESS KARDS. PLEZE T^lKE OISTE. CONTINENTAL (FIRE) INS. CO. of New York. Office, 100 and 102 Broadway. See page 6, Alminax for 1879. JOHN OSBORN SON & CO., " Piper-Heidsieck," New York and Montreal. N. B.— See page 28, Almanack 1879. HERRING'S PATENT CHAMPION SAFES. 251 Broadway, New York. See page 20, Almanack 1879. TARRANT'S SELTZER APERIENT. The People's Remedy. See Page 10, Almanac 1879. LELAND'S STURTEVANT HOUSE, Broadway and 29th St., New York, American and European Plan. See page 14, Almanac 1879. J. & J. SLATER, Fine Shoes, 1185 Broadway, corner 28th St., See advertisement, page 12, Almanac 1879 THE NEW YORK WEEKLY. Francis S. Street, | t>-««i-**>— Francis S. Smith, \ Proprietors. See page 18, Allminack for 1879. GLEN HOUSE, WHITE MOUNTAINS. W. & C. R. Milliken, Proprietors. See Page 26, Alminax for 1879. ASTOR HOUSE ROTUNDA. Broadway, New York. G. K. Lansing, Manager. Allen & Dam, Proprietors. See page 22, Almanax for 1879. BEST PIANO-FORTE MADE IN THE WORLD. If you refer to page 4, Almanac 1879, you will see where you can get the Best Piano-forte made in the world. PENNSYLVANIA RAILROAD. Great Trunk Line, and Mail Route op America. See page 8, Allminack for 1879. N BIZZ ESS KARDS . A PLEZE T^KE ONE. PARK & TILFORD. All that is necessary to say on the subject. JAMES M. SHAW & CO., 25 Duane and 78 Chatham Streets, Importers of English and Continental Decorated China and Earthenware. See tinted page 22. MANHATTAN CLOAK AND SUIT CO., *e. einstein. Nos. 48 & 50 White Street, 1 J - waxelbaum. E. Einstein & Co,, New York. DUNLAFS CELEBRATED HATS. See page 24, Almanac of 1879. MERIDEN BRITANNIA COMPANY, Silver Plated Ware, 46 East 14th Street, Union Square. Sec page 30, Almanac of 1879. CASWELL, HAZARD & CO., The Druggists of New York City, Under 5th Ave. Hotel, See advertisement on tinted page 38. JOSEPH N. GAL WAY, Grocer, Vanderbilt Avenue and 42d St., New York. BRANDRETH HOUSE, Cor. Broadway, Canal, and Lispenard Sts., New York. Kept on the European Plan, with Elevator. Kerr & Slader, Proprietors. UNION ADAMS, Men's Furnishing Goods, 1127 Broadway, New York. See page 16, Almanac of 1879. UNION SQUARE HOTEL, Union Square, corner 15th Street, New York. A. J. Dam & Son, Proprietors. GOODYEAR RUBBER COMPANY, New York, Chicago, Milwaukee, St. Louis, San Francisco. 41 J fa JxrtTkJ, Ufa fUJin*>prjX££ MM>*«Z max- JboUtL^rr *?** L Ua ^ *<***- ^W &Ue+ ^^ fads , *u. f?*£j t )^zr ex Thurber's Reliable Canned Goods. Great progress has been made within a few years in the art of Preserving Fruits, Vegetables, Fish and Meats in tins, and in consequence the consumption has largely increased. As yet, however, canned goods are not generally thought to be "fresh," and some brands are not, perhaps, entitled to be so considered. Those packed by us, however, are Hermetically Sealed at the scources of supply, when they are in the best possible condition, by a process which preserves the much-to-be-desired fresh, natural flavors ; and they are really in better condition, fresher, more palatable and wholesome than many so-called "fresh" articles which are exposed for sale during considerable periods of time in city markets. ALL goods BEARING OUR NAME are guaranteed to be of superior quality, and dealers are authorized to refund the purchase price in any case where consumers have cause for dissatisfaction. It is, therefore, to the interest of both dealers and consumers to use THURBER'S BRANDS, H. K. & F. B. THURBEB & CO., Manufacturers of and Dealers in Food Products, New York. 42 CU.T, /$ to U s72a^ 2$ A*ri+ , o o 1 ,.. *J o h m Sjs fe.3 OB oo a 5 o < o * ,. 5 A i s* 5 5 5 IP11I W S OS $3 a 50 ©£ *S o - '3t3 -S £ OB'S ^ o.2S £= Jh -° «*§§? i_ o O *j 12 o.S«r Si** JfSlS o SI >fe§ £-2 • S o* 2 S -0 to g a> o .. O 3 O "T3 o 1o t5 OS -S <» c fl 2 . o ^2 |5P§ o *j .s p ^ O ^ O IK" 03 03 00 ^s •■ rj P^ ^ § « 5 ^ * a ^ 111 s 'I .3,2 fi ^^ o o^3 ao i o M 03 J. P H P H i 43 THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW AN INITIAL FINE OF 25 CENTS WILL BE ASSESSED FOR FAILURE TO RETURN THIS BOOK ON THE DATE DUE. THE PENALTY WILL INCREASE TO 50 CENTS ON THE FOURTH DAY AND TO $1.00 ON THE SEVENTH DAY OVERDUE. OCT 27 1933 Off. i 1 933 ftAVIS INT ERUBRARY LOAN ll^l 1 1ft 1935 MAR 1 7 1972 DEC 24^*'^ 1AN2 LD 21-100m-7,'33 &£&:. 778968 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY