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SKETCHES 
 
 YOUNG GENTLEMEN 
 
 J^elriratelT to ti^e Young Hatiirs. 
 
 AVITH SIX ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 "PHiz; 
 
 SECOND EDITION. 
 
 LONDON : 
 CHAPMAN AND HALL, 186, STRAND. 
 
 MDCCC.XXXTUI. 
 
LONDON : 
 
 BBADBDRT and EVANS, PRIKTERS, 
 
 WHITfFRIARs. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 /r3: 
 
 DEDICATION . . . , 
 
 THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN 
 
 THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN 
 
 THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN 
 
 THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN 
 
 THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN 
 
 THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN 
 
 THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN 
 
 THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN 
 
 THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN 
 
 THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN 
 
 THE THROWING-OFF YOUNG GENTLEMAN 
 
 THE YOUNG LADIEs' YOUNG GENTLEMAN 
 
 CONCLUSION 
 
 PAGE 
 V 
 
 14 
 20 
 28 
 33 
 39 
 44 
 49 
 55 
 60 
 66 
 74 
 
 918 
 
TO THE YOUNG LADIES 
 
 OF THE 
 
 ilftuitelr ilingtiom of (great Britain anti Jrelanli ; 
 
 ALSO 
 
 f 
 
 THE YOUNG LADIES 
 
 OF 
 
 THE PRINCIPALITY OF WALES, 
 
 AND LIKEWISE 
 
 THE YOUNG LADIES 
 
 RESIDENT IN THE ISLES OF 
 
 (Suerusej), Jersrg, ^Itierneg, ants ^arfe, 
 
 THE HUMBLE DEDICATION OF THEIR DEVOTED ADMIRER, 
 
 Sheweth, — 
 
 That your Dedicator has perused, with feel- 
 ings of virtuous indignation, a work purporting 
 to be " Sketches of Young Ladies ;"" written 
 by Quiz, illustrated by Phiz, and published in 
 one volume, square twelvemo. 
 
VI DEDICATION. 
 
 That after an attentive and vigilant perusal 
 of the said work, your Dedicator is humbly of 
 opinion that so many libels, upon your Honour- 
 able sex, were never contained in any previously 
 published work, in twelvemo or any other mo. 
 
 That in the title page and preface to the 
 said work, your Honourable sex are described 
 and classified as animals; and although your 
 Dedicator is not at present prepared to deny 
 that you are animals, still he humbly submits 
 that it is not polite to call you so. 
 
 That in the aforesaid preface, your honour- 
 able sex are also described as Troglodites, which, 
 being a hard word, may, for aught your Honour- 
 able sex or your Dedicator can say to the con- 
 trary, be an injurious and disrespectful appella- 
 tion. 
 
 That the author of the said work applied 
 himself to his task in malice prepense and with 
 wickedness aforethought; a fact which, your 
 Dedicator contends, is sufficiently demonstrated, 
 by his assuming the name of Quiz, which, your 
 
DEDICATION. 
 
 Dedicator submits, denotes a foregone con- 
 clusion, and implies an intention of quizzing. 
 
 That in the execution of his evil design, the 
 said Quiz, or author of the said work, must have 
 betrayed some trust or confidence reposed in 
 him by some members of your Honourable sex, 
 otherwise he never could have acquired so much 
 information relative to the manners and customs 
 of your Honourable sex in general. 
 
 That actuated by these considerations, and 
 further moved by various slanders and insinua- 
 tions respecting your Honourable sex contained 
 in the said work, square twelvemo, entitled 
 " Sketches of Young Ladies," your D edicator 
 ventures to produce another work, square 
 I twelvemo, entitled " Sketches of Young Gen- 
 Itlemen,'' of which he now solicits your accept^ 
 ance and approval. 
 
 I That as the Young Ladies are the best com- 
 panions of the Young Gentlemen, so the Young 
 Gentlemen should be the best companions of the 
 Young Ladies; and extending the comparison 
 
Vlll DEDICATION. 
 
 from animals (to quote the disrespectful language 
 of the said Quiz) to inanimate objects, your 
 Dedicator humbly suggests, that such of your 
 Honourable sex as purchased the bane should 
 possess themselves of the antidote, and that 
 those of your Honourable sex who were not 
 rash enough to take the first, should lose no 
 time in swallowing the last, — prevention being 
 in all cases better tlian cure, as we are informed 
 upon the authority, not only of general acknow- 
 ledgement, but also of traditionary wisdom. 
 
 That with reference to the said bane and 
 antidote, your Dedicator has no further remarks 
 to make, than are comprised in the printed 
 directions issued with Doctor Morison's pills ; 
 namely, that whenever your Honourable sex 
 take twenty-five of Number 1, you will be 
 pleased to take fifty of Number 2, without 
 delay. 
 
 And your Dedicator shall ever pray, &c. 
 
SKETCHES 
 
 YOUNG GENTLEMEN. 
 
 THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 We found ourself seated at a small dinner party 
 the other day, opposite a stranger of such singular 
 appearance and manner, that he irresistibly attracted 
 our attention. 
 
 This was a fresh -coloured young gentleman, with 
 as good a promise of light whisker as one might wish 
 to see, and possessed of a very velvet-like soft- 
 looking countenance. We do not use the latter 
 term invidiously, but merely to denote a pair of 
 smooth, plump, highly-coloured cheeks of capacious 
 dimensions, and a mouth rather remarkable for the 
 fresh hue of the lips than for any marked or striking 
 expression it presented. His whole face was suffused 
 with a crimson blush, and bore that downcast, timid, 
 retiring look, which betokens a man ill at ease with 
 himself. 
 
 There was nothing in these symptoms to attract 
 
 B 
 
2 THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 more than a passing remark, but our attention had 
 been originally drawn to the bashful young gentle- 
 man, on his first appearance in the drawing-room 
 above-stairs, into which he was no sooner introduced, 
 than making his way towards us who were standing 
 in a window, and wholly neglecting several persons 
 who warmly accosted him, he seized our hand with 
 visible emotion, and pressed it with a convulsive 
 grasp for a good couple of minutes, after which he 
 dived in a nervous manner across the room, over- 
 setting in his way a fine little girl of six years and 
 a quarter old — and shrouding himself behind some 
 hangings, was seen no more, until tlie eagle eye of 
 the hostess detecting him in his concealment, on the 
 announcement of dinner, he was requested to pair off 
 with a lively single lady, of two or three and thirty. 
 This most flattering salutation from a perfect 
 stranger, would have gratified us not a little as a 
 token of his having held us in high respect, and for 
 that reason been desirous of our acquaintance, if we 
 had not suspected from the first, that the young 
 gentleman, in making a desperate effort to get through 
 the ceremony of introduction, had, in the bewilder- 
 ment of his ideas, shaken hands with us at random. 
 This impression was fully confirmed by the subse- 
 quent behaviour of the bashful young gentleman in 
 question^ which we noted particularly, with the 
 
THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 3 
 
 view of ascertaining whether we were right in our 
 conjecture. 
 
 The young gentleman seated himself at table 
 with evident misgivings, and turning sharp round to 
 pay attention to some observation of his loquacious 
 neighbour, overset his bread. There was nothing 
 very bad in this, and if he had had the presence of 
 mind to let it go, and say nothing about it, nobody 
 but the man who had laid the cloth would have been 
 a bit the wiser ; but the young gentleman in various 
 semi-successful attempts to prevent its fall, played 
 with it a little, as gentlemen in the streets may be 
 seen to do with their hats on a windy day, and then 
 giving the roll a smart rap in his anxiety to catch it, 
 knocked it with great adroitness into a tureen of 
 white soup at some distance, to the unspeakable 
 terror and disturbance of a very amiable bald gentle- 
 man, who was dispensing the contents. We thought 
 the bashful young gentleman would have gone off in 
 an apoplectic fit, consequent upon the violent rush 
 of blood to his face at the occurrence of this cata- 
 strophe. 
 
 From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology 
 ; of the fancy, that it was ';' all up " with the bashful 
 young gentleman, and so indeed it was. Several 
 benevolent persons endeavoured to relieve his em- 
 barrassment by taking wine mth him, but finding 
 B 2 
 
4 THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 that it only augmented his sufferings, and that after 
 mingling sherry, champagne, hock, and moselle 
 together, he applied the greater part of the mixture 
 externally, instead of internally, they gradually 
 dropped off, and left him to the exclusive care of the 
 talkative lady, who not noting the wildness of his 
 eye, firmly believed she had secured a listener. He 
 broke a glass or two in the course of the meal, and 
 disappeared shortly afterwards ; it is inferred that he 
 went away in some confusion, inasmuch as he left 
 the house in another gentleman's coat, and the 
 footman's hat. 
 
 This little incident led us to reflect upon the 
 most prominent characteristics of bashful young gen- 
 tlemen in the abstract ; and as this portable volume 
 will be the great text -book of young ladies in all 
 future generations, we record them here for their 
 guidance and behoof. 
 
 If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street 
 corner, chance to stumble suddenly upon two or 
 three young ladies of his acquaintance, nothing can 
 exceed his confusion and agitation. His first impulse 
 is to make a great variety of bows, and dart past 
 them, which he does until, observing that they wish 
 to stop, but are uncertain whether to do so or not, 
 he makes several feints of returning, which causes 
 them to do the same ; and at length, after a great 
 
THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. O 
 
 quantity of unnecessary dodging and falling up 
 against the other passengers, he returns and shakes 
 hands most affectionately with all of them, in doing 
 which he knocks out of their grasp sundry little 
 parcels, which he hastily picks up, and returns very 
 muddy and disordered. The chances are that the 
 bashful young gentleman then observes it is very fine 
 weather, and being reminded that it has only just 
 left off raining for the first time these three days, he 
 blushes very much, and smiles as if he had said a 
 very good thing. The young lady who was most 
 anxious to speak, here inquires, with an air of great 
 commiseration, how his dear sister Harriet is to- 
 day ; to which the young gentleman, without the 
 slightest consideration, replies with many thanks, 
 that she is remarkably well. " Well, Mr. Hopkins ! " 
 cries the young lady, " why, we heard she was bled 
 yesterday evening, and have been perfectly miserable 
 i about her." '' Oh, ah," says the young gentleman, 
 I " so she was. Oh, she's very ill, very ill indeed." 
 ;, The young gentleman then shakes his head, and 
 j looks very desponding (he has been smiling per- 
 I petually up to this time), and after a short pause, 
 gives his glove a great wrench at the wrist, and says, 
 with a strong emphasis on the adjective, " Good 
 morning, good morning." And making a great 
 number of bows in acknowledsment of several little 
 
b THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 messages to his sister, walks backward a few paces, 
 and comes with great violence against a lamp-post, 
 knocking his hat off in the contact, which in his 
 mental confusion and bodily pain he is going to walk 
 away without, until a great roar from a carter 
 attracts his attention, when he picks it up, and tries 
 to smile cheerfully to the young ladies, who are 
 looking back, and who, he has the satisfaction of 
 seeing, are all laughing heartily. 
 
 At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman 
 always remains as near the entrance of the room as 
 possible, from which position he smiles at the people 
 he knows as they come in, and sometimes steps 
 forward to shake hands with more intimate friends : 
 a process which on each repetition seems to turn him 
 a deeper scarlet than before. He declines dancing 
 the first set or two, observing, in a faint voice, that 
 he would rather wait a little ; but at length is ab- 
 solutely compelled to allow himself to be introduced 
 to a partner, when he is led, in a great heat and 
 blushing furiously, across the room to a spot where 
 half-a-dozen unknown ladies are congregated toge- 
 ther. 
 
 " Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins 
 for the next quadrille." Miss Lambert inclines her 
 head graciously. Mr. Hopkins bows, and his fair 
 conductress disappears, leaving ]Mr. Hopkins, as he 
 
THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. / 
 
 too well knowsj to make himself agreeable. The 
 young lady more than half expects that the bashful 
 young gentleman will say something, and the bash- 
 ful young gentleman feeling this, seriously thinks 
 whether he has got anything to say, which, upon 
 mature reflection, he is rather disposed to conclude 
 he has not, since nothing occurs to him. Meanwhile, 
 the young lady, after several inspections of her 
 bouquet, all made in the expectation that the bashful 
 young gentleman is going to talk, whispers her 
 mama, who is sitting next her, which whisper the 
 bashful young gentleman immediately suspects (and 
 possibly with very good reason) must be about him. 
 In this comfortable condition he remains until it is 
 time to " stand up," when murmuring a '^ Will you 
 allow me?" he gives the young lady his arm, and 
 after inquiring where she will stand, and receiving a 
 reply that she has no choice, conducts her to the 
 remotest corner of the quadrille, and making one 
 attempt at conversation, which turns out a desperate 
 failure, preserves a profound silence until it is all 
 ■over, when he walks her twice round the room, 
 deposits her in her old seat, and retires in confusion. 
 A married bashful gentleman — for these bashful 
 gentlemen do get married sometimes ; how it is 
 ever brought about, is a mystery to us — a married 
 bashful gentleman either causes his wife to appear 
 
8 THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 bold by contrast, or merges her proper importance 
 in his own insignificance. Bashful young gentlemen 
 should be cured, or avoided. They are never hope- 
 less, and never will be, while female beauty and 
 attractions retain their influence, as any young lady 
 will find, who may think it worth while on this 
 confident assurance to take a patient in hand. 
 
 THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 Out-and-out young gentlemen may be divided 
 into two classes — those who have something to do, 
 and those who have nothing. I shall commence 
 with the former, because that species come more 
 frequently under the notice of young ladies, whom 
 it is our province to warn and to instruct. 
 
 The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no 
 great dresser, his instructions to his tailor being all 
 comprehended ir the one general direction to '^make 
 that what's-a-name a regular bang-up sort of thing.' 
 For some years past, the favourite costume of the 
 out-and-out young gentleman has been a rough pilot- 
 coat, with two gilt hooks and eyes to the velvet collar; 
 buttons somewhat larger than crown-pieces ; a black 
 or fancy neckerchief, loosely tied ; a wide-brimmed 
 hat, with a low crown ; tightish inexpressibles, and 
 
 
^(i 
 
 :>A)I\ 
 
 
 
 —J^H/Z. . I^^'K 
 
 /(/■' a//>. 
 
 ■,J^' 
 
THE OUT-AND-GUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 9 
 
 iron-shod boots. Out of doors he sometimes carries 
 a large ash stick, but only on special occasions, 
 for he prefers keeping his hands in his coat pockets. 
 He smokes at all hours, of course, and swears 
 considerably. 
 
 The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in 
 a city counting-house or solicitor's office, in which he 
 does as little as he possibly can : his chief places of 
 resort are, the streets, the taverns, and the theatres. 
 In the streets at ev ening time, out-and-out young gen- 
 tlemen have a pleasant custom of walking six or eight 
 abreast, thus driving females and other inoffensive 
 persons into the road, which never fails to afford 
 I them the highest satisfaction, especially if there be 
 I any immediate danger of their being run over, which 
 I enhances the fun of the thing materially. In all 
 I places of public resort, the out-and-outers are careful 
 ' to select each a seat to him.self, upon which he lies 
 (at full length, and (if the weather be very dirty, but 
 ^not in any other case) he lies with his knees up, and 
 'the soles of his boots planted firmly on the cushion, 
 so that if any low fellow should ask him to make 
 iroom for a lady, he takes ample revenge upon her 
 dress, without going at all out of his way to do it. 
 He always sits with his hat on, and flourishes his 
 stick in the air while the play is proceeding, with 
 a dignified contempt of the performance ; if it be 
 
10 THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 possible for one or two out-and-out young gentlemen to 
 get up a little crowding in the passages, they are quite 
 in their element, squeezing, pushing, whooping, and 
 shouting in the most humorous manner possible. If 
 they can only succeed in irritating the gentleman 
 who has a family of daughters under his char<:c, 
 thev are like to die with laughing, and boast of it 
 among their com})anions for a week afterwards, 
 adding, that one or two of them were "devilish fine 
 girls," and that they really thought the youngest 
 would have fainted, which was the only thing wanted 
 to render the joke complete. 
 
 If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother < 
 and sisters, of course he treats them with becoming, 
 contempt, inasmuch as they (poor things !) having no 
 notion of life or gaiety, are far too weak-spirited and 
 moping for him. Sometimes, however, on a birth-day 
 or at Christmas time, he cannot very well help ac- 
 companying them to a party at some old friend's, 
 with which view he comes home when they have 
 been dressed an hour or two, smelling very strongly 
 of tobacco and spirits, and after exchanging his; 
 rough coat for some more suitable attire (in A\diiclii 
 however he loses nothing of the out-and-outer), getsi 
 into the coach and grumbles all the way at his own 
 good-nature : his bitter reflections aggravated by the 
 recollection, that Tom Smith has taken the chair at 
 
THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 11 
 
 a little impromptu dinner at a fighting man's, and 
 that a set-to was to take place on a dining-table, 
 between the fighting man and his brother-in-law, 
 which is probably '' coming off" at that very 
 instant. 
 
 As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no 
 means at his ease in ladies' society, he shrinks into 
 a corner of the drawing-room when they reach the 
 friend's, and unless one of his sisters is kind enough 
 to talk to him, remains there without being much 
 troubled by the attentions of other people, until he 
 espies, lingering outside the door, another gentleman, 
 whom he at once knows, by his air and manner 
 (for there is a kind of free-masonry in the craft), 
 to be a brother out-and-outer, and towards whom 
 he accordingly makes his way. Conversation being 
 soon opened by some casual remark, the second out- 
 and-outer confidentially informs the first, that he is 
 one of the rough sort and hates that kind of thing, 
 only he couldn't very well be off coming ; to Avhich 
 the other replies, that that's just his case — "^and I'll 
 tell you what," continues the out-and-outer in a 
 whisper, " I should like a glass of warm brandy 
 and water just now,'' — " Or a pint of stout and a 
 
 Bipipe," suggests the other out-and-outer. 
 
 The discovery is at once made that they are sym- 
 
 itjpathetic souls ; each of them says at the same mo- 
 
12 THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 ment, that he sees the other understands what's'what : 
 and they become fast friends at once, more espe- 
 cially when it appears, that the second out-and-outer 
 is no other than a gentleman, long favourably kno\Mi 
 to his familiars as " Mr. Warmint Blake,'' who upon 
 divers occasions has distinguished himself in a man- 
 ner that would not have disgraced the fighting man,, 
 and who — having been a pretty long time abouti 
 town — had the honour of once shaking hands with 
 the celebrated jMr. Thurtell himself. 
 
 At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish 
 themselves, brightening up very much when the 
 ladies leave the table, and proclaiming aloud theii 
 intention of beginning to spend the evening — a pro- 
 cess which is generally understood to be satisfactorily 
 performed, when a great deal of wine is drunk and a 
 great deal of noise made, both of which feats the out- 
 and-out young gentlemen execute to perfection 
 Having protracted their sitting until long after tht 
 host and the other guests have adjourned to tlu 
 drawing-room, and finding that they have drainec 
 the decanters empty, they follow them thither witl 
 complexions rather heightened, and faces rathei 
 bloated with wine ; and the agitated lady of th< 
 house whispers her friends as they waltz together, t( 
 the great terror of the whole room, that " both Mr 
 Blake and Mr. Dummins are very nice sort of youni 
 
j THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 13 
 
 'men in their way, only they are eccentric persons, 
 land unfortunately rather- loo wild! " 
 I The remaining class of out-and-out young gentle- 
 men is composed of persons, who, having no money 
 )3f their own and a soul above earning any, enjoy 
 ■similar pleasures, nobody knows how. These respect- 
 ■ ible gentlemen, without aiming quite so much at the 
 ^ i)ut-and-out in external appearance, are distinguished 
 tfoy all the same amiable and attractive characteristics, 
 ,n an equal or perhaps greater degree, and now and 
 ^■;hen find their way into society, through the medium 
 ; bf the other class of out-and-out young gentlemen, 
 Mvho will sometimes carry them home, and who 
 >Sisually pay their tavern bills. As they are equally 
 i; i^entlemanly, clever, witty, intelligent, wise, and 
 J veil-bred, we need scarcely have recommended them 
 t!o the peculiar consideration of the young ladies, if it 
 BjVere not that some of the gentle creatures whom we 
 Ii-kold in such high respect, are perhaps a little too 
 klpt to confound a great many heavier terms with the 
 ec light word eccentricity, which we beg them hence- 
 tiiorth to take in a strictly Johnsonian sense, with- 
 larut any liberality or latitude of construction. 
 
 ,^ 
 
14 
 
 THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 We know — and all people know — so many speci- 
 mens of this class, that in selecting the few heads 
 our limits enable us to take from a great number, 
 we have been induced to give the very friendly 
 young gentleman the preference over many others, 
 to whose claims upon a more cursory view of the 
 question we had felt disposed to assign the priority. 
 
 The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly 
 to everybody, but he attaches himself particularly 
 to two, or at most to three families : regulating his 
 choice by their dinners, their circle of acquaintance, 
 or some other criterion in which he has an immediate 
 interest. He is of any age between twenty and forty, 
 unmarried of course, must be fond of children, and 
 is expected to make himself generally useful if pos- 
 sible. Let us illustrate our meaning by an example, 
 which is the shortest mode and the clearest. 
 
 We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend 
 of whom we had lost sight for some years, and who — 
 expressing a strong anxiety to renew our former, 
 intimacy — urged us to dine with him on an early 
 day, that we might talk over old times. We readilyj 
 assented, adding, that we hoped we should be alone: 
 " Oh, certainly, certainly," said our friend, " not 
 
THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 15 
 
 soul with US but Mincin." " And who is Mincin ?" 
 was our natural inquiry. '* O don't mind him," 
 replied our friend, "^ he's a most particular friend 
 of mine, and a very friendly fellow you will find 
 him ;" and so he left us. 
 
 We thought no more about Mincin until we duly 
 presented ourselves at the house next day, when, 
 after a hearty welcome, our friend motioned towards 
 a gentleman who had been previously showing his 
 teeth by the fire-place, and gave us to understand 
 that it was Mr. Mincin, of whom he had spoken. It 
 required no great penetration on our part to dis- 
 cover at once that Mincin was in every respect a very 
 friendly young gentleman. 
 
 ' I am delighted,'' said Mincin, hastily advancing, 
 and pressing our hand warmly between both of his, 
 
 1 am delighted, I am sure, to make your acquaint- 
 ance^ — (here he smiled) — very much delighted in- 
 deed— (here he exhibited a little emotion) — I assure 
 you that I have looked forward to it anxiously for a 
 very long time : " here he released our hands, and 
 rubbing his own, observed, that the day was severe, 
 but that he was delighted to perceive from our ap- 
 pearance that it agreed with us wonderfully ; and 
 then went on to observe, that, notwithstanding 
 the coldness of the weather, he had that morning 
 seen in the paper an exceedingly curious paragraph;, 
 
16 THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 to the effect, that there was now in the garden of Mr. 
 Wilkins of Chichester, a pumpkin, measuring four 
 feet in height, and eleven feet seven inches in circum- 
 ference, which he looked upon as a very extraordinary 
 piece of intelligence. We ventured to remark, that 
 we had a dim recollection of having once or twice 
 before observed a similar paragraph in the public 
 prints, upon which Mr. Mincin took us confidentially 
 by the button, and said. Exactly, exactly, to be sure, 
 we were very right, and he wondered what the 
 editors meant by putting in such things. Who the 
 deuce, he should like to know, did tliey suppose cared 
 about them ? that struck him as being the best of it. 
 The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, 
 and Mr. Mincin's friendliness, as will readily be sup- 
 posed, suffered no diminution in consequence ; he ex- 
 erted much strength and skill in wheeling a large 
 easy-chair up to the fire, and the lady being seated 
 in it, carefully closed the door, stirred the fire, and 
 looked to the windows to see that they admitted no 
 air ; having satisfied himself upon all these points, he 
 expressed himself quite easy in his mind, and beg- 
 ged to know how she found herself to-day. Upon 
 the lady's replying very well, IMr. Mincin (who it 
 appeared was a medical gentleman) offered some 
 general remarks upon the nature and treatment of 
 colds in the head, which occupied us agreeably until 
 
THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 17 
 
 dinner-time. During the meal, he devoted himself 
 to complimenting everybody, not forgetting himself, 
 so that we were an uncommonly agreeable quartette. 
 
 ''I'll tell you what, Capper," saidiNIr.Mincin to our 
 host, as he closed the room door after the lady had 
 retired, " you have very great reason to be fond of 
 your wife. Sweet woman, Mrs. Capper, sir !" " Nay, 
 Mincin — I beg," interposed the host, as we were 
 about to reply that Mrs. Capper unquestionably was 
 particularly sweet. " Pray, Mincin, don't." " Why 
 not.?" exclaimed Mr. Mincin, "why not.? Why 
 should you feel any delicacy before your old friend — 
 our old friend, if I may be allowed to call you so, 
 sir ; why should you, I ask ? " We of course wished 
 to know why he sliould also, upon which our friend 
 admitted that Mrs. Capper was a very sweet woman, 
 at which admission Mr. Mincin cried " Bravo ! " and 
 begged to propose Mrs. Capper with heartfelt enthu- 
 siasm, whereupon our host said, " Thank you, Min- 
 cin," with deep feeling ; and gave us, in a low voice, 
 to understand, that Mincin had saved Mrs. Capper's 
 cousin's life no less than fourteen times in a year and a 
 half, which he considered no common circumstance — 
 an opinion to which we most cordially subscribed. 
 
 Now that v/e three were left to entertain ourselves 
 with conversation, Mr. Mincin's extreme friendliness 
 became every moment more apparent ; he was so 
 c 
 
18 THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 amazingly friendly, indeed, that it was impossible to 
 talk about anything in which he had not the chief 
 concern. We happened to allude to some affairs in 
 which our friend and we had been mutually engaged 
 nearly fourteen years before, when Mr. INIincin was 
 all at once reminded of a joke which our friend had 
 made on that day four years, which he positively 
 must insist upon telling — and which he did tell ac- 
 cordingly, with many pleasant recollections of what 
 he said, and what Mrs. Capper said, and how he 
 well remembered that they had been to the play 
 with orders on the very night previous, and had seen 
 Romeo and Juliet, and the pantomime, and how Mrs. 
 Capper being faint had been led into the lobby, where 
 she smiled, said it was nothing after all, and went 
 back again, with many other interesting and absorb- 
 ing particulars : after which the friendly young 
 gentleman went on to assure us, that our friend had 
 experienced a marvellously prophetic opinion of that 
 same pantomime, which was of such an admirable 
 kind, that t^\'o morning papers took the same view 
 next day : to this our friend replied, with a little tri- 
 umph, that in that instance he had some reason to 
 think he had been correct, which gave the friendly 
 young gentleman occasion to believe that our friend 
 was always correct ; and so we went on, until our 
 friend, filling a bumper, said he must drink one 
 
THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 19 
 
 glass to his dear friend Mincin, than whom he would 
 say no man saved the lives of his acquaintances more, 
 or had a more friendly heart. Finally, our friend 
 having emptied his glass, said, " God bless you, 
 Mincin," — and Mr. Mincin and he shook hands across 
 the table with much affection and earnestness. 
 
 But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a 
 limited scene like this, he plays the same part on a 
 larger scale with increased eclat. Mr. Mincin is in- 
 vited to an evening party with his dear friends the 
 Martins, where he meets his dear friends the Cappers, 
 and his dear friends the Watsons, and a hundred 
 other dear friends too numerous to mention. He is as 
 much at home with the Martins as with the Cappers ; 
 but how exquisitely he balances his attentions, and 
 divides them among his dear friends ! If he flirts 
 with one of the Miss Watsons, he has one little 
 Martin on the sofa pulling his hair, and the other 
 little Martin on the carpet riding on his foot. He 
 carries Mrs. Watson down to supper on one arm, and 
 Miss Martin on the other, and takes wine so judi- 
 ciously, and in such exact order, that it is impossible 
 for the most punctilious old lady to consider herself 
 neglected. If any young lady, being prevailed upon 
 j to sing, become nervous afterwards, Mr. Mincin leads 
 
 I her tenderly into the next room, and restores her with 
 port wine, which she must take medicinally. If any 
 c 2 
 
20 THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 gentleman be standing by the piano during the pro- 
 gress of the ballad, Mr. JMincin seizes him by the 
 arm at one point of the melody, and softly beating 
 time the while with his head, expresses in dumb 
 show his intense perception of the delicacy of the 
 passage. If anybody's self-love is to be flattered, Mr. 
 Mincin is at hand. If anybody's overweening vanity 
 is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin will surfeit it. 
 What wonder that people of all stations and ages re- 
 cognise I\Ir. ]\Iincin's friendliness ; that he is uni- ; 
 versaily allowed to be handsome as amiable ; that ; 
 mothers think him an oracle, daughters a dear, , 
 brothers a beau, and fathers a wonder ! And who 
 would not have the reputation of the very friendly 
 young gentleman ? 
 
 THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 We are rather at a loss to imagine how it has ^ 
 come to pass that military young gentlemen have' 
 obtained so much favour in the eyes of the young ladies 
 of this kingdom. We cannot think so lightly of tlieni 
 as to suppose that the mere circumstance of a man'sj 
 wearing a red coat ensures him a ready passport to] 
 their regard ; and even if this were the case, itl 
 would be no satisfactory explanation of the circum- 
 
THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. '21 
 
 Stance, because, although the analogy may in some 
 degree hold good in the case of mail coachmen and 
 guards, still general postmen wear red coats, and thei/ 
 are not to our knowledge better received than other 
 men ; nor are firemen either, who wear (or used to 
 wear) not only red coats, but very resplendent and 
 massive badges besides — much larger than epaulettes. 
 Neither do the twopenny post-office boys, if the 
 result of our inquiries be correct, find any peculiar 
 favour in woman's eyes, although they wear very 
 bright red jackets, and have the additional advantage 
 of constantly appearing in public on horseback, which 
 last circumstance may be naturally supposed to be 
 greatly in their favour. 
 
 We have sometimes thought that this phenomenon 
 may take its rise in the conventional behaviour of 
 captains and colonels and other gentlemen in red 
 coats on the stage, where they are invariably repre- 
 sented as line swaggering fellows, talking of nothing 
 but charming girls, their king and country, their 
 honour, and their debts, and crowing over the infe- 
 rior classes of the community, whom they occasion- 
 ally treat with a little gentlemanly swindling, no less 
 to the improvement and pleasure of the audience, 
 than to the satisfaction and approval of the choice 
 spirits who consort with them. But we will not 
 devote these pages to our speculations upon the 
 
2'J THE iMILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 subject, inasmuch as our business at the present 
 moment is not so much with the young ladies who 
 are bewitched by her IMajesty's livery as with the 
 young gentlemen whose heads are turned by it. For 
 '' heads" we had written ^'brains;" but upon con- 
 sideration, we think the former the more appropriate 
 word of the two. 
 
 These young gentlemen may be divided into two 
 classes — young gentlemen who are actually in the 
 army, and young gentlemen who, having an intense 
 and enthusiastic admiration for all things appertain- 
 ing to a military life, are compelled by adverse for- 
 tune or adverse relations to wear out their existence 
 in some ignoble counting-house. We will take this 
 latter description of military young gentlemen first. 
 
 The whole heart and soul of the military young 
 gentleman are concentrated in his favourite topic. 
 There is nothing that he is so learned upon as uni- 
 forms ; he will tell you, without faltering for an in- 
 stant, what the habiliments of any one regiment are 
 turned up with, what regiment wear stripes down 
 the outside and inside of the leg, and how many but- 
 tons the Tenth had on their coats; he knows to a 
 fraction how many yards and odd inches of gold lace 
 it takes to make an ensign in the Guards ; is deeply 
 read in the comparative merits of different bands, 
 and the apparelling of trumpeters ; and is very lumi- 
 
THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 23 
 
 nous indeed in descanting upon '^ crack regiments,"' 
 and the " crack" gentlemen who compose them, of 
 whose mightiness and grandeur lie is never tired of 
 telling. 
 
 We were suggesting to a military young gentle- 
 man only the other day, after he had related to us 
 several dazzling instances of the profusion of half-a- 
 dozen honourable ensign somebodies or nobodies in 
 the articles of kid gloves and polished boots, that 
 possibly "cracked" regiments would be an improve- 
 ment upon " crack," as being a more expressive and 
 appropriate designation, when he suddenly inter- 
 rupted us by pulling out his watch, and observing 
 that he must hurry off to the Park in a cab, or he 
 would be too late to hear the band play. Not wish- 
 ing to interfere with so important an engagement, 
 and being in fact already slightly overwhelmed by 
 the anecdotes of the honourable ensigns afore-men- 
 tioned, we made no attempt to detain the military 
 young gentleman, but parted company with ready 
 good- will. 
 
 Some three or four hours afterwards, we chanced 
 to be walking down Whitehall, on the Admiralty 
 side of the way, when, as we drew near to one of the 
 little stone places in which a couple of horse soldiers 
 mount guard in the day-time, we were attracted by 
 the motionless appearance and eager gaze of a young 
 
24 THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 gentleman, who was devouring both man and horse 
 with his eyes, so eagerly, that he seemed deaf and 
 blind to all that was passing around him. We were 
 not much surprised at the discovery tliat it was our 
 friend, the military young gentleman, but we were a 
 little astonished when we returned from a walk to 
 South Lambeth to find him still there, looking on 
 with the same intensity as before. As it was a very 
 windy day, we felt bound to awaken tlie young gentle- 
 man from his reverie, when he inquired of us with 
 great enthusiasm, whether " that was not a glorious 
 spectacle," and proceeded to give us a detailed ac- 
 count of the weight of every article of the spectacle's 
 trappings, from the man's gloves to the horse's shoes. 
 We have made it a practice since, to take the 
 Horse Guards in our daily walk, and we find it is 
 the custom of military young gentlemen to plant 
 themselves opposite the sentries, and contemplate 
 them at leisure, in periods varying from fifteen minutes 
 to fifty, and averaging twenty-five. We were much 
 struck a day or two since, by the behaviour of a very 
 promising young butcher who (evincing an interest 
 in the service, which cannot be too strongly com- 
 mended or encouraged), after a prolonged inspection 
 of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots with great 
 curiosity, and as much composure and indifference as 
 if the man were wax-work. 
 
THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 25 
 
 But the really military young gentleman is wait- 
 ing all this time, and at the very moment that an 
 apology rises to our lips, he emerges from the barrack 
 gate (he is quartered in a garrison town), and takes 
 the way towards the high street. He wears his 
 undress uniform^ which somewhat mars the glory of 
 his outward man ; but still how great, how grand, 
 he is ! What a happy mixture of ease and ferocity 
 in his gait and carriage, and how lightly he carries 
 that dreadful sword under his arm, making no more 
 ado about it than if it were a silk umbrella ! The 
 lion is sleeping : only think if an enemy were in 
 sight, how soon he'd whip it out of the scabbard, and 
 what a terrible fellow he would be ! 
 
 But he walks on, thinking of nothing less than 
 blood and slaughter ; and now he comes in sight of 
 three other military young gentlemen, arm-in-arm, 
 who are bearing down towards him, clanking their 
 iron heels on the pavemient, and clashing their swords 
 with a noise, which should cause all peaceful men to 
 quail at heart. They stop to talk. See how the 
 Haxen-haired young gentleman with the weak legs — 
 he who has his pocket-handkerchief thrust into the 
 breast of his coat — glares upon the faint-hearted 
 civilians who linger to look upon his glory ; how the 
 next young gentleman elevates his head in the air, 
 and majestically places his arms a-kimbo, while the 
 
26 THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 third stands with his legs very wide apart, and clasps 
 his hands behind him. Well may we inquire— not 
 in familiar jest, but in respectful earnest — if you call 
 that nothing. Oh ! if some encroaching foreign 
 power — the emperor of Russia, for instance, or any of 
 those deep fellows, could only see those military young 
 gentlemen as they move on together towards the bil- 
 liard-room over the way, wouldn't he tremble a little! 
 
 And then, at the Theatre at night, when the per- 
 formances are by command of Colonel Fitz-Sordust 
 and the officers of the garrison — what a splendid 
 sight it is! How sternly the defenders of their 
 country look round the house as if in mute assurance 
 to the audience, that they may make themselves com- 
 fortable regarding any foreign invasion, for they (the 
 military young gentlemen) are keeping a sharp look- 
 out, and are ready for anything. And what a con- 
 trast between them, and that stage-box full of grey- 
 headed officers with tokens of many battles about 
 them, who have nothing at all in common with the 
 military young gentlemen, and who — but for an old- 
 fashioned kind of manly dignity in their looks and 
 bearing — might be common hard-working soldiers 
 for anything they take the pains to announce to the 
 contrary ! 
 
 Ah ! here is a family just come in who recognise 
 the flaxen-headed young gentleman; and the flaxen- 
 
THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 27 
 
 headed young gentleman recognises them too, only 
 he doesn't care to show it just now. Very well done 
 indeed ! He talks louder to the little group of mili- 
 tary young gentlemen who are standing by him, and 
 coughs to induce some ladies in the next box but one 
 to look round, in order that their faces may undergo 
 the same ordeal of criticism to which they have sub- 
 jected, in not a wholly inaudible tone, the majority 
 of the female portion of the audience. Oh ! a gen- 
 tleman in tlie same box looks round as if he were 
 disposed to resent this as an impertinence ; and the 
 flaxen-headed young gentleman sees his friends at 
 once, and hurries away to them with the most charm- 
 ing cordiality. 
 
 Three young ladies, one young man, and the mama 
 of the party, receive the military young gentleman 
 with great warmth and politeness, and in five minutes 
 afterwards the military young gentleman, stimulated 
 by the mama, introduces the two other military young 
 gentlemen with whom he was walking in the morn- 
 ing, who take their seats behind the young ladies 
 and commence conversation ; whereat the mama 
 bestows a triumphant bow upon a rival mama, who 
 has not succeeded in decoying any military young 
 gentlemen, and prepares to consider her visitors 
 from that moment three of the most elegant and 
 superior young gentlemen in the whole world. 
 
28 
 
 THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 Once upon a time — 7iot in the days when pigs 
 drank wine, but in a more recent period of our his- 
 tory — it was customary to banish politics when ladies 
 were present. If this usage still prevailed, we should 
 have had no chapter for political young gentlemen, 
 for ladies would have neither known nor cared what 
 kind of monster a political young gentleman Avas. 
 But as this good custom in common with many 
 others has " gone out," and left no word when it is 
 likely to be home again ; as political young ladies are 
 by no means rare, and political young gentlemen the 
 very reverse of scarce, we are bound in the strict 
 discharge of our most responsible duty not to neglect 
 this natural division of our subject. 
 
 If the political young gentleman be resident in a 
 country town (and there are political young gentle- 
 men in country towns sometimes), he is wholly 
 absorbed in his politics ; as a pair of purple spec- 
 tacles communicate the same uniform tint to all 
 objects near and remote, so the political glasses, 
 with which the young gentleman assists his mental 
 vision, give to everything the hue and tinge of party 
 feeling. The political young gentleman would as 
 soon think of being struck with the beauty of a 
 
THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 OQ 
 
 young lady in the opposite interest^ as he would 
 dream of marrying his sister to the opposite member. 
 
 If the political young gentleman be a Conserva- 
 tive, he has usually some vague ideas about Ireland 
 and the Pope which he cannot very clearly explain, 
 but which he knoAvs are the right sort of thing, and 
 not to be very easily got over by the other side. He 
 has also some choice sentences regarding church and 
 state, culled from the banners in use at the last 
 election, with which he intersperses his conversation 
 at intervals with surprising effect. But his great 
 topic is the constitution, upon which he will declaim, 
 by the hour together, with much heat and fury ; not 
 that he has any particular information on the subject, 
 but because he knows that the constitution is some- 
 how church and state, and church and state somehow 
 the constitution, and that the fellows on the other 
 side say it isn't, which is quite a sufficient reason 
 for him to say it is, and to stick to it. 
 
 Perhaps his greatest topic of all, though, is the 
 people. If a tight takes place in a populous town, 
 in which many noses are broken, and a few windows, 
 the young gentleman throws down the newspaper 
 with a triumphant air, and exclaims, " Here's your 
 precious people ! " if half-a-dozen boys run across 
 the course at race time, when it ought to be kept 
 clear, the young gentleman looks indignantly round. 
 
30 THR POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 and begs you to observe the conduct of the people ; 
 if the gallery demand a hornpipe between the play 
 and the afterpiece, the same young gentleman cries 
 "■ No " and '' Shame " till he is hoarse, and then in- 
 quires with a sneer what you think of popular mode- 
 ration noiv ; in short, the people form a never-failing 
 theme for him ; and when the attorney, on the side 
 of his candidate, dwells upon it with great power of 
 eloquence at election time, as he never fails to do, 
 the young gentleman and his friends, and the body 
 they head, cheer with great violence against the other 
 people, with whom, of course, they have no possible 
 connexion. In much the same manner the audience 
 at a theatre never fail to be highly amused with any 
 jokes at the expense of the public — always laughing 
 heartily at some other public, and never at them- 
 selves. 
 
 If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he 
 is usually a very profound person indeed, having 
 great store of theoretical questions to put to you, 
 -with an infinite variety of possible cases and logical 
 deductions therefrom. If he be of the utilitarian 
 school, too, which is more than probable, he is par- 
 ticularly pleasant company, having many ingenious 
 remarks to offer upon the voluntary principle and 
 various cheerful disquisitions connected with the 
 population of the country, the position of Great 
 
THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 31 
 
 Britain in the scale of nations, and the balance of 
 power. Then he is exceedingly well versed in all 
 doctrines of political economy as laid down in the 
 newspapers, and knows a great many parliamentary 
 speeches by heart ; nay, he has a small stock of 
 aphorisms, none of them exceeding a couple of lines 
 in length, which will settle the toughest question and 
 leave you nothing to say. He gives all the voung 
 ladies to understand, that Miss Martineau is the 
 greatest woman that ever lived ; and when they 
 praise the good looks of Mr. Hawkins the new 
 member, says he's very well for a representative, all 
 things considered, but he wants a little calling to 
 account, and he is more than half afraid it will be 
 necessary to bring him down on his knees for that 
 vote on the miscellaneous estimates. At this, the 
 young ladies express much wonderment, and say 
 surely a Member of Parliament is not to be brought 
 upon his knees so easily ; in reply to which the 
 political young gentleman smiles sternly, and throws 
 out dark hints regarding the speedy arrival of that 
 day, when Members of Parliament will be paid 
 salaries, and required to render weekly accounts of 
 their proceedings, at which the young ladies utter 
 many expressions of astonishment and incredulity, 
 while their lady-mothers regard the prophecy as little 
 else than blasphemous. 
 
32 THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 It is extremely improving and interesting, to hear 
 two political young gentlemen, of diverse opinions, 
 discuss some great question across a dinner-table ; 
 such as, whether, if the public were admitted to 
 Westminster Abbey for nothing, they would or 
 would not convey small chisels and hammers in their 
 pockets, and immediately set about chipping all the 
 noses off the statues ; or whether, if they once got 
 into the Tower for a shilling, they would not insist 
 npon trying the crown on their own heads, and 
 loading and firing off all the small arms in the 
 armoury, to the great discomposure of Whitecha})el 
 and the IMinories. Upon these, and many other 
 momentous questions which agitate the public mind 
 in these desperate davs, they will discourse with 
 great A'ehemence and irritation for a considerable 
 time together, both leaving off precisely where they 
 began, and each thoroughly persuaded that he has 
 got the better of the other. 
 
 In society, at assemblies, balls, and playhouses, 
 these political young gentlemen are perpetually on 
 the watch for a political allusion, or anything which 
 can be tortured or construed into being one; when, 
 thrusting themselves into the very smallest openings 
 for their favourite discourse, they fall upon the 
 unhappy company tooth and nail. They have re- 
 cently had many favourable opportunities of opening 
 
-^J'ni^'-f • 
 
 .y^c:^£?ma^^^ J^^^ta. ,^^ 
 
 / .-.'.Mm.rCru^r.-.dr, JC:/{aajM.Sr, 
 
THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 33 
 
 in churches, but as there the clergyman has it all 
 his own way, and must not be contradicted, whatever 
 politics he preaches, they are fain to hold their 
 tongues until they reach the outer door, though 
 at the imminent risk of bursting in the effort. 
 
 As such discussions can please nobody but the 
 talkative parties concerned, we hope they will hence- 
 forth take the hint and discontinue them, otherwise 
 we now give them warning, that the ladies have our 
 advice to discountenance such talkers altogether. 
 
 THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 Let us make a slight sketch of our amiable 
 friend, Mr. Felix Nixon. We are strongly dis- 
 posed to think, that if we put him in this place, 
 he will answer our purpose without another word 
 of comment. 
 
 Felix, then, is a young gentleman who lives at 
 home with his mother, just within the twopenny- 
 post office circle of three miles from St. Martin le 
 Grand. He wears India-rubber goloshes when the 
 weather is at all damp, and always has a silk hand- 
 kerchief neatly folded up in the right-hand pocket 
 of his great-coat, to tie over his mouth when he goes 
 home at night ; moreover, being rather near-sighted, 
 
 D 
 
34 THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 lie carries spectacles for particular occasions, and has 
 a weakish tremulous voice, of which he makes great 
 use, for he talks as much as any old lady breathing. 
 
 The two chief subjects of Felix's discourse, are 
 himself and his mother, both of whom would appear 
 to be very wonderful and interesting persons. As 
 Felix and his mother are seldom apart in body, so 
 Felix and his mother arc scarcely ever separate in 
 spirit. If you ask Felix how he finds himself to-day, 
 he prefaces his reply with a long and minute bulletin 
 of his mother's state of health ; and the good lady in 
 her turn, edifies her acquaintance with a circumstan- 
 tial and alarming account, how he sneezed four times 
 and coughed once after being out in the rain the 
 other night, but having his feet promptly put into 
 hot water, and his head into a flannel-something, 
 which we will not describe more particularly than by 
 this delicate allusion, was happily brought round by 
 the next morning, and enabled to go to business as 
 usual. 
 
 Our friend is not a very adventurous or hot- 
 headed person, but he has passed through many 
 dangers, as his mother can testify : there is one great 
 story in particular, concerning a hackney coachman 
 who wanted to overcharge him one night for bringing 
 them home from the play, upon which Felix gave 
 the aforesaid coachman a lojk which his mothii 
 
THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 8.1 
 
 thought would have crushed him to the earth, but 
 which did not crush him quite, for he continued to 
 demand another sixpence, notwithstanding that 
 Felix took out his pocket-book, and, with the aid of 
 a flat candle, pointed out the fare in print, which the 
 coachman obstinately disregarding, he shut the street 
 door with a slam which his mother shudders to think 
 of; and then, roused to the most appalling pitch of 
 passion by the coachman knocking a double knock to 
 show that he was by no means convinced, he broke 
 with uncontrollable force from his parent and the 
 servant girl, and running into the street without his 
 hat, actually shook his fist at the coachman, and 
 came back again with a face as white, IMrs, Nixon 
 says, looking about her for a simile, as white as that 
 ceiling. She never will forget his fury that night. 
 Never ! 
 
 To this account Felix listens with a solemn face, 
 occasionally looking at you to see how it affects you, 
 and when his mother has made an end of it, adds 
 that he looked at every coachman he met for three 
 weeks afterwards, in hopes that he might see the 
 scoundrel ; whereupon Mrs. Nixon, with an exclama- 
 tion of terror, requests to know what he would have 
 done to him if he had seen him, at which Felix 
 smiling darkly and clenching his right fist, she ex- 
 claims, '' Goodness gracious ! " with a distracted air^ 
 D 2 
 
36 THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 and insists upon extorting a promise that he never 
 will on any account do anything so rash, which her 
 dutiful son — it being something more than three 
 years since the offence was committed — reluctantly 
 concedes, and his mother, shaking her head pro- 
 phetically, fears with a sigh that his spirit will lead 
 him into something violent yet. The discourse then, 
 by an easy transition, turns upon the spirit which 
 glows within the bosom of Felix, upon which point 
 Felix himself becomes eloquent, and relates a thrill- 
 ino- anecdote of the time when he used to sit up till two 
 o'clock in the morning reading French, and how his 
 mother used to say, " Felix, you will make yourself 
 ill, I know you will;" and how he used to say, 
 " Mother, I don't care— I will do it ;" and how at 
 last his mother privately procured a doctor to come 
 and see him, who declared, the moment he felt his 
 pulse, that if he had gone on reading one night 
 more — only one night more — he must have put a 
 blister on each temple, and another between his 
 shoulders ; and who, as it was, sat down upon the 
 instant, and writing a prescription for a blue pill, 
 said it must be taken immediately, or he wouldn't 
 answer for the consequences. The recital of these 
 and many other moving perils of the like nature, 
 constantly harrows up the feelings of JMr. Nixon's 
 friends. 
 
THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 37 
 
 ^Irs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of 
 female acquaintance, being a good-humoured talka- 
 tive, bustling little body, and to the unmarried girls 
 among them she is constantly vaunting the virtues 
 of her son, hinting that she will be a very happy 
 person who wins him, but that they must mind 
 their P's and Q's, for he is very particular, and 
 terribly severe upon young ladies. At this last 
 caution the young ladies resident in the same row, 
 who happen to be spending the evening there, put 
 their pocket-handkerchiefs before their mouths, and 
 are troubled with a short cough ; just then Felix 
 knocks at the door, and his mother drawing the tea- 
 table nearer the fire, calls out to him as he takes olf 
 his boots in the back parlour that he needn't mind 
 coming in in his slippers, for there are only the two 
 Miss Greys and ]\Iiss Thompson, and she is quite 
 sure they will excuse him, and nodding to the two 
 Miss Greys, she adds, in a whisper, that Julia 
 Thompson is a great favourite with Felix, at which 
 intelligence the short cough comes again, and IMiss 
 Thompson in particular is greatly troubled with it, 
 till Felix coming in, very faint for want of his tea, 
 changes the subject of discourse, and enables her to 
 laugh out boldly and tell Amelia Grey not to be 
 so foolish. Here they all three laugh, and ]\Irs. 
 Nixon says they are giddy girls; in which stage of 
 
38 THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GNETLEMAN. 
 
 the proceedings, Felix, who has by this time refresh- 
 ened himself with the grateful herb that ''cheers but 
 not inebriates," removes his cup from his countenance 
 and says with a knowing smile, that all girls are ; 
 whereat his admiring mama pats him on the back 
 and tells him not to be sly, which calls forth a 
 general laugh from the young ladies, and another 
 smile from Felix, who thinking he looks very sly 
 indeed, is perfectly satisfied. 
 
 Tea being over, the young ladies resume their 
 work, and Felix insists upon holding a skein of silk 
 while Miss Thompson winds it on a card. This 
 I)rocess having been performed to the satisfaction of ;; 
 all parties, he brings down his flute in compliance 1 
 with a request from the youngest i\Iiss Grey, and j 
 j)lays divers tunes out of a very small music-book 
 till supper-time, when he is very facetious and talk- 
 ative indeed. Finally, after half a tumblerful of 
 warm sherry and water, he gallantly puts on his 
 goloshes over his slippers, and telling Miss Thomp- 1 
 son's servant to run on first and get the door open, 
 escorts that young lady to her house, five doors off: 
 the Miss Greys who live in the next house but one 
 stopping to peep with merry faces from their own 
 door till he comes back again, when they call out 
 " Very well, Mr. Felix," and trip into the passage 
 with a laugh more musical than any flute that was 
 ever played. 
 
THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 39 
 
 Felix is rather prim in liis appearance, and per- 
 haps a little priggish about his books and flute, and 
 so forth, which have all their peculiar corners of 
 peculiar shelves in his bed-room ; indeed all his 
 female acquaintance (and they are good judges) have 
 long ago set him down as a thorough old bachelor. 
 He is a favourite with them however, in a certain 
 way, as an honest inoifensive, kind-hearted creature ; 
 and as his peculiarities harm nobody, not even him- 
 self, we are induced to hope that many who are not 
 personally acquainted with him will take our good 
 word in his behalf, and be content to leave him to a 
 long continuance of his harmless existence. 
 
 THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 There is an amiable kind of young gentleman 
 going about in society, upon whom, after much ex- 
 perience of him, and considerable turning over of the 
 subject in our mind, we feel it our duty to affix the 
 above appellation. Young ladies mildly call him a 
 '^ sarcastic" young gentleman, or a '' severe" young 
 gentleman. We, who know better, beg to acquaint 
 them with the fact, that he is merely a censorious 
 young gentleman, and nothing else. 
 
 The censorious young gentleman has the reputation 
 
40 THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 among his familiars of a remarkably clever person, 
 which he maintains by receiving all intelligence and 
 expressing all opinions with a dubious sneer, accom- 
 panied with a half smile, expressive of anything you 
 please but good-humour. This sets people about think- 
 ing what on earth the censorious young gentleman 
 means, and they speedily arrive at the conclusion that 
 he means something very deep indeed ; for they reason 
 in this way — " This young gentleman looks so very 
 knowing that he must mean something, and as I am by 
 no means a dull individual, what a very deep meaning 
 he must have if / can't find it out !" It is extra- 
 ordinary how soon a censorious young gentleman may 
 make a reputation in his own small circle if he bear 
 this in his mind, and regulate his proceedings ac- 
 cordingly. 
 
 As young ladies are generally — not curious, but 
 laudably desirous to acquire information, the censori- 
 ous young gentleman is much talked about among 
 them, and many surmises are hazarded regarding him. 
 '^ I wonder," exclaims the eldest Miss Greenwood, 
 laying down her work to turn up the lamp, " I 
 wonder whether Mr. Fairfax will ever be married." 
 " Bless me, dear," cries Miss Marshall, " what ever 
 made you think of him ? " *' Really I hardly know," 
 replies Miss Greenwood ; " he is such a very mys- 
 terious person, that I often wonder about him." 
 
THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN, 41 
 
 '* Well, to tell you the truth," replies Miss Marshall, 
 '^ and so do I." Here two other young ladies profess 
 that they are constantly doing the like, and all pre- 
 sent appear in the same condition except one young 
 lady, who, not scrupling to state that she considers 
 Mr. Fairfax " a horror," draws down all the opposi- 
 tion of the others, which having been expressed in a 
 great many ejaculatory passages, such as '• Well, 
 did I ever !" — and ''Lor, Emily, dear !" ma takes up 
 the subject, and gravely states, that she must say she 
 does not think Mr. Fairfax by any means a horror, 
 but rather takes him to be a young man of very great 
 ability; '* and I am quite sure," adds the worthy 
 lady, " he always means a great deal more than he 
 says." 
 
 The door opens at this point of the discourse, and 
 who of all people alive walks into the room, but the 
 very Mr. Fairfax, who has been the subject of conver- 
 sation ! " Well, it really is curious," cries ma, "we 
 were at that very moment talking about you.'' " You 
 did me great honour," replies Mr. Fairfax ; "^ May I 
 venture to ask what you were saying ? " " Why, if 
 you must know," returns the eldest girl, '^ we were 
 remarking what a very mysterious man you are." 
 " Ay, ay!" observes Mr, Fairfax, *' Indeed!" 
 Now Mr. Fairfax says this ay, ay, and indeed, 
 which are slight words enough in themselves, with so 
 
42 THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 very unfathomable an air, and accompanies them with 
 such a very equivocal smile, that ma and the young 
 ladies are more than ever convinced that he means an 
 immensity, and so tell him he is a very dangerous 
 man, and seems to be always thinking ill of some- 
 body, which is precisely the sort of character the cen- 
 sorious young gentleman is most desirous to establish ; 
 wherefore he says, " Oh, dear, no," in a tone, 
 obviously intended to mean, " You have me there," 
 and which gives them to understand that they have 
 hit the right nail on the very centre of its head. 
 
 When the conversation ranges from the mystery 
 overhanging the censorious young gentleman's be- 
 haviour, to the general topics of the day, he sustains 
 his character to admiration. He considers the new 
 tragedy well enough for a new tragedy, but Lord 
 bless us — well, no matter ; he could say a great deal 
 on that point, but he would rather not, lest he 
 should be thought ill-natured, as he knows he would 
 be. " But is not JNIr. So and So's performance truly 
 charming?" inquires a young lady. " Charming !" 
 replies the censorious young gentleman, " Oh, dear, 
 yes, certainly ; very charming — oh, very charming 
 indeed." After this, he stirs the lire, smiling con- 
 temptuously all the while : and a modest young 
 gentleman, who has been a silent listener, thinks what 
 a great thing it must be, to have such a critical 
 
THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 43 
 
 judgment. Of music^, pictures, books, and poetry, the 
 censorious young gentleman has an equally fine con- 
 ception. As to men and women, he can tell all about 
 them at a glance. " Now let us hear your opinion 
 of young Mrs. Barker," says some great believer in the 
 powers of Mr. Fairfax, " but don't be too severe." 
 ''I never am severe," replies the censorious young 
 gentleman. " Well, never mind that now. She is 
 very lady-like, is she not ?" " Lady-like \" repeats 
 the censorious young gentleman (for he always re- 
 peats when he is at a loss for anything to say) ; 
 " Did you observe her manner ? Bless my heart and 
 soul, i\Irs. Thompson, did you observe her manner.^ 
 — that's all I ask." " I thought I had done so," 
 rejoins the poor lady, much perplexed ; " 1 did not 
 ihserve it very closely perhaps." " Oh, not very 
 flosely," rejoins the censorious young gentleman, 
 triumphantly, " Very good; then /did. Let us talk 
 210 more about her." The censorious young gentle- 
 man purses up his lips, and nods his head sagely, as 
 he says this ; and it is forthwith whispered about, that 
 Mr. Fairfax (who, though he is a little prejudiced, 
 imust be admitted to be a very excellent judge) has 
 observed something exceedingly odd in Mrs. Barker's 
 manner. 
 
44 
 
 THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 As one funny young gentleman will serve as a 
 sample of all funny young gentlemen, we purpose 
 merely to note down the conduct and behaviour of 
 an individual specimen of this class, whom we 
 happened to meet at an annual family Christmas 
 party in the course of this very last Christmas that 
 ever came. 
 
 We were all seated round a blazing fire which 
 crackled pleasantly as the guests talked merrily and 
 the urn steamed cheerily — for, being an old-fashioned 
 party, there was an urn, and a teapot besides — when 
 there came a postman's knock at the door, so violent 
 and sudden, that it startled the whole circle, and 
 actually caused two or three very interesting and 
 most unaffected young ladies to scream aloud and to 
 exhibit many afflicting symptoms of terror and dis- 
 tress, until they had been several times assured by 
 their respective adorers, that they were in no danger. 
 We were about to remark that it was surely beyond 
 post-time, and must have been a runaway knock, 
 when our host, who had hitherto been paralysed with 
 wonder, sank into a chair in a perfect ecstacy of 
 laughter, and oifered to lay twenty pounds that it was 
 that droll dog Griggins. He had no sooner said 
 
THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 45 
 
 this, than the majority of the company and all the 
 I children of the house burst into a roar of laughter 
 I too, as if some inimitable joke flashed upon them 
 " simultaneously, and gave vent to various exclama- 
 : tions of — To be sure it must be Griggins, and How 
 like him that was, and What spirits he was always in ! 
 , with many other commendatory remarks of the like 
 nature. 
 
 Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we 
 became extremely desirous to see so pleasant a fellow, 
 the more especially as a stout gentleman with a 
 powdered head, who was sitting with his breeches 
 buckles almost touching the hob, whispered us he 
 was a wit of the first water, when the door opened, 
 and Mr. Griggins being announced, presented him- 
 self, amidst another shout of laughter and a loud 
 clapping of hands from the younger branches. This 
 welcome he acknowledged by sundry contortions of 
 countenance, imitative of the clown in one of the 
 new pantomimes, which were so extremely success- 
 ful, that one stout gentleman rolled upon an otto- 
 man in a paroxysm of delight, protesting, with 
 many gasps, that if somebody didn't make that 
 fellow Griggins leave off, he would be the death of 
 him, he knew. At this the company only laughed 
 more boisterously than before, and as we always like 
 to accommodate our tone and spirit if possible to the 
 
46 THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 humour of any society in which we find ourself, we' 
 laughed with the rest, and exclaimed, " Oh ! capi- 
 tal, capital I " as loud as any of them. ■: 
 
 When he had quite exhausted all beholders, Mr. 
 Griggins received the welcomes and congratulations 
 of the circle, and went through the needful intro- 
 ductions with much ease and many puns. This 
 ceremony over, he avowed his intention of sitting in 
 somebody's lap unless the young ladies made room 
 for him on the sofa, which being done, after a great 
 deal of tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed himself 
 among them, and likened his condition to that of 
 love among the roses. At this novel jest we all 
 roared once more. '' You should consider yourself 
 highly honoured, sir,"' said we. *^ Sir," replied 
 Mr. Griggins, " you do me proud." Here every- 
 body laughed again ; and the stout gentleman by the 
 fire whispered in our ear that Griggins was making a 
 dead set at us. 
 
 The tea things having been removed, wc all sat 
 down to a round game, and here IMr. Griggins shone 
 forth with peculiar brilliancy, abstracting other peo- 
 ple's fish, and looking over their hands in the most 
 comical manner. He made one most excellent joke 
 in snuffing a candle, which was neither more nor less 
 than setting fire to the hair of a pale young gentle- 
 man who sat next him, and afterwards begging his 
 
THE PtTNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 47 
 
 pardon with considerable humour. As the young 
 gentleman could not see the joke however, possibly 
 in consequence of its being on the top of his own 
 head, it did not go off quite as well as it might have 
 done; indeed, the young gentleman was heard to 
 murmur some general references to " impertinence,'' 
 and a '* rascal," and to state the number of his lodgings 
 in an angry tone — a turn of the conversation which 
 might have been productive of slaughterous conse- 
 pences, if a young lady, betrothed to the young 
 gentleman, had not used her immediate influence to 
 jring about a reconciliation : emphatically declaring 
 in an agitated whisper, intended for his peculiar 
 edification but audible to the whole table, that if he 
 went on in that way, she never would think of him 
 otherwise than as a friend, though as that she must 
 ilways regard him. At this terrible threat the 
 70ung gentleman became calm, and the young lady, 
 ivercome by the revulsion of feeling, instantaneously 
 'ainted. 
 
 Mr. Griggins's spirits were slightly depressed for 
 I short period by this unlooked-for result of such a 
 larmless pleasantry, but being promptly elevated by 
 he attentions of the host and several glasses of wine, 
 ie soon recovered, and became even more vivacious 
 •Lan before, insomuch that the stout gentleman 
 ireviouslv referred to, assured us that although he 
 
48 THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 had known him since he was that high (something 
 smaller than a nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld 
 him in such excellent cue. 
 
 When the round game and several games at blind 
 man's buff which followed it were all over, and \ve 
 were going down to supper, the inexhaustible ]\Ir. 
 Griggins produced a small sprig of misletoe from his 
 waistcoat pocket, and commenced a general kissing 
 of the assembled females, which occasioned great com- 
 motion and much excitement. We observed that seve- 
 ral young gentlemen — including the young gentleman 
 witli the pale countenance — were greatly scandalised 
 at this indecorous proceeding, and talked very big 
 among themselves in corners ; and we observed too, 
 that several young ladies when remonstrated with by 
 the aforesaid young gentlemen, called each other to 
 witness how they had struggled, and protested vehe- 
 mently that it was very rude, and that they were 
 surprised at ]Mrs. Brown's allowing it, and that they 
 couldn't bear it, and had no patience with such im- 
 pertinence. But such is the gentle and forgiving 
 nature of woman, that although we looked very nar- 
 rowly for it, we could not detect the slightest harsh- 
 ness in the subsequent treatment of Mr. Griggins. 
 Indeed, upon the whole, it struck us that among the 
 ladies he seemed rather more popular than before ! 
 To recount all the drollery of I\Ir. Griggins at 
 
THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 49 
 
 supper, would fill such a tiny volume as this, to the 
 very bottom of the outside cover. How he drank out of 
 other people's glasses, and ate of other people's bread, 
 how he frightened into screaming convulsions a little 
 boy who was sitting up to supper in a high chair, by 
 sinking below the table and suddenly reappearing with 
 a mask on; how the hostess was really surprised that 
 anybody could find a pleasure in tormenting children, 
 and how the host frowned at the hostess, and felt 
 convinced that IMr. Griggins had done it with the 
 very best intentions; how Mr. Griggins explained^ 
 and how everybody's good-humour was restored but 
 the child's;— to tell these and a hundred other things 
 ever so briefly, would occupy more of our room and 
 our readers' patience, than either they or we can con- 
 veniently spare. Therefore we change the subject, 
 merely observing that we have offered no description 
 of the funny young gentleman's personal appearance, 
 believing that almost every society has a Griggins of 
 its own, and leaving all readers to supply the defi- 
 ciency, according to the particular circumstances of 
 tijeir particular case. 
 !»' 
 
 i 
 
 THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 All gentlemen who love the drama — and there are 
 few gentlemen Avho are not attached to the most in- 
 
 E 
 
50 THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 tellectual and rational of all our amusements — do not 
 come within this definition. As we have no mean 
 relish for theatrical entertainments ourself, we are 
 disinterestedly anxious that this should be perfectly 
 understood. 
 
 The theatrical young gentleman has early and im- 
 portant information on all theatrical topics. '' Well," 
 says he, abruptly, when you meet him in the street, 
 " here's a pretty to-do. Flimkins has thrown up his 
 part in the melodrama at the Surrey.'' — ''And what's to 
 be done ? " you inquire with as much gravity as you c;iii 
 counterfeit. " Ah, that's the point," replies the tliea- 
 trical young gentleman, looking very serious; "Boozic 
 declines it ; positively declines it. From all I am told. 
 I should say it was decidedly in Boozle's line, and 
 that he would be very likely to make a great hit in it ; 
 but he objects on the ground of Flimkins having been 
 put up in the part first, and says no earthly power shall 
 induce him to take the character. It's a fine part, 
 too— excellent business, I'm told. He has to kill six 
 people in the course of the piece, and to fight over a 
 bridge in red fire, which is as safe a card^, youknov> , 
 as can be. Don't mention it ; but I hear that the last 
 scene, when he is first poisoned, and then stabbed, by 
 Mrs. Flimkins as Vengedora, will be the greatest 
 thing that has been done these many years." With 
 this piece of news, and laying his finger on his lips as 
 
jLj THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 51 
 
 i 
 
 a caution for you not to excite the town with it, the 
 theatrical young gentleman hurries away. 
 
 The theatrical young gentleman, from often fre- 
 quenting the different theatrical establishments, has 
 pet and familiar names for them all. Thus Covent- 
 Garden is the garden, Drury-Lane the lane, the 
 
 I Victoria the vie, and the Olympic the pic. Actresses, 
 loo, are always designated by their surnames only, 
 as Taylor, Nisbett, Faucit, Honey ; that talented 
 and lady-like girl Sheriff, that clever little creature 
 Horton, and so on. In the same manner he prefixes 
 Christian names when he mentions the actors, as 
 Charley Young, Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, 
 Paul Bedford. When he is at a loss for a Christian 
 name, the word " old " applied indiscriminately 
 answers quite as well : as old Charley Matthews at 
 Vestris's, old Harley, and old Braham. He has a 
 great knowledge of the private proceedings of act- 
 resses, especially of their getting married, and can 
 tell you in a breath half-a-dozen who have changed 
 their names without avowing it. Whenever an alter- 
 ation of this kind is made in fhe playbills, he will 
 remind you that he let you into the secret six 
 months ago. 
 
 The theatrical young gentleman has a great reve- 
 
 li rence for all that is connected with the stage depart- 
 
 J £ 2 
 
0'2 THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 ment of the different theatres. He would, at any 
 time, prefer going a street or two out of his way, to 
 omitting to pass a stage-entrance, into which he always 
 looks with a curious and searching eye. If he can only 
 identify a popular actor in the street, he is in a per- 
 fect transport of delight ; and no sooner meets him, 
 than he hurries back, and walks a few paces in front of 
 him, so that he can turn round from time to time, 
 and have a good stare at his features. He looks 
 upon a theatrical-fund dinner as one of the most en- 
 chantins: festivities ever known ; and thinks that to 
 be a member of the Garrick Club, and sec so many 
 actors in their plain clothes, must be one of tlie 
 hiffhest "-ratifications the world can bestow. 
 
 The theatrical young gentleman is a constant half- 
 price visitor at one or other of the theatres, and has 
 an infinite relish for all pieces which display the 
 fullest resources of the establishment. He likes to 
 ])lace implicit reliance upon the play-bills when he 
 goes to see a show-piece, and works himself up to 
 such a pitch of enthusiasm, as not only to believe 
 (if the bills say so) that there are three hundred and 
 seventy-five people on the stage at one time in the 
 last scene, but is highly indignant with you, unless 
 you believe it also. He considers that if the stage 
 be opened from the foot-lights to the back wall, in 
 
THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 5-3 
 
 any new play, the piece is a triumpli of dramatic 
 writing, and applauds accordingly. He has a great 
 notion of trap-doors too ; and thinks any character 
 going down or coming up a trap (no matter whether 
 he be an angel or a demon — they both do it occasion- 
 ally) one of the most interesting feats in the whole 
 range of scenic illusion. 
 
 Besides these acquirements, he has several vera- 
 cious accounts to communicate of the private man- 
 ners and customs of different actors, which, during 
 the pauses of a quadrille, he usually communicates 
 to his partner, or imparts to his neighbour at a sup- 
 per table. Thus he is advised, that IMr. Liston 
 always had a footman in gorgeous livery waiting at 
 the side-scene with a brandy bottle and tumbler, to 
 administer half a pint or so of spirit to him every 
 time he came off, without which assistance he must 
 infallibly have fainted. He knows for a fact, that, 
 after an arduous part, j\Ir. George Bennett is put 
 between two feather beds, to absorb the perspira- 
 tion ; and is credibly informed, that Mr. Baker has, 
 for many years, submitted to a course of lukewarm 
 toast- and-\\'ater, to qualify him to sustain his fa- 
 vourite characters. He looks upon Mr. Fitz Ball 
 as the principal dramatic genius and poet of the 
 day ; but holds that there are great writers extant 
 besides him, — in proof whereof he refers you to 
 
54 THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GKNTLEMAN. 
 
 various dramas and melo-dramas recently produced, 
 of which he takes in all the sixpenny and three- 
 penny editions as fast as they appear. 
 
 The theatrical young gentleman is a great advo- 
 cate for violence of emotion and redundancy of ac- 
 tion. If a father has to curse a child upon the 
 stage, he likes to see it done in the thorough-going 
 style, with no mistake about it : to which end it is 
 essential that the child should follow the father on 
 her knees, and be knocked violently over on her face by 
 the old gentleman as he goes into a small cottage, and 
 shuts the door behind him. lie likes to see a blessing 
 invoked upon the young lady, when the old gentleman 
 repents, with equal earnestness, and accompanied by 
 the usual conventional forms, which consist of the 
 old gentleman looking anxiously up into the clouds, 
 as if to see whether it rains, and then spreading an 
 imaginary tablecloth in the air over the young lady's 
 head — soft music playing all the while. Upon these, 
 and other points of a similar kind, the theatrical 
 young gentleman is a great critic indeed, lie is 
 likewise very acute in judging of natural expres- 
 sions of the passions, and knows precisely the frown, 
 wink, nod, or leer, which stands for any one of 
 them, or the means by which it may be converted 
 into any other : as jealousy, with a good stamp of 
 the right foot, becomes anger ; or wildness, with the 
 
 J 
 
: /A^y ^'(?s/ica/y <y^un^ ^y^?7 /Am-^,'^: 
 
 l.cruiorvtChap'yuxn'&Biiily /^ffStVJ^d. 
 
THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. OJ 
 
 hands clasped before the throat, instead of tearing 
 the wig, is passionate love. If you venture to ex- 
 press a doubt of the accuracy of any of these por- 
 traitures, the theatrical young gentleman assures 
 you, with a haughty smile, that it always has been 
 done in that way, and he supposes they are not 
 going to change it at this time of day to please you ; 
 to which, of course, you meekly reply that you sup- 
 pose not. 
 
 I There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, 
 in which the theatrical young gentleman is very pro- 
 found, especially to ladies whom he is most in the 
 
 I habit of entertaining with them ; but as we have no 
 space to recapitulate them at greater length, we must 
 rest content with calling the attention of the young 
 
 1 ladies in general to the theatrical young gentlemen of 
 
 I their own acquaintance. 
 
 THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 Time was, and not very long ago either, when a 
 singular epidemic raged among the young gentle- 
 men, vast numbers of whom, under the influence of 
 tlie malady, tore off their neckerchiefs, turned down 
 their shirt collars, and exhibited themselves in the 
 open streets with bare throats and dejected conn- 
 
.58 THE rOETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 teiiancGS, before the eyes of an astonished public. 
 These were poetical young gentlemen. The custom 
 was gradually found to be inconvenient, as involving 
 the necessity of too much clean linen and too large 
 washing bills, and these outward symptoms have 
 consequently passed away ; but we are disposed to 
 think, notwithstanding, that the number of poetical 
 young gentlemen is considerably on the increase. 
 
 AV'e know a poetical young gentleman — a very 
 ])oetical young gentleman. We do not mean to say 
 that he is troubled with the gift of poesy in any 
 remarkable degree, but his countenance is of a plain- 
 tive and melancholy cast, his manner is abstracted 
 and bespeaks affliction of soul : he seldom has his 
 hair cut, and often talks about being an outcast and 
 wanting a kindred spirit ; from \\'hich, as well as 
 from many general observations in which he is wont 
 to indulge, concerning mysterious impulses, and 
 yearnings of the heart, and the supremacy of intellect 
 gilding all earthly things with the glowing magic of 
 immortal verse, it is clear to all his friends that he 
 has been stricken poetical. 
 
 The favourite attitude of the poetical young gen- 
 tleman is lounging on a sofa with his eyes fixed upon 
 tlie ceiling, or sitting bolt upright in a high-backed 
 chair, staring with very round eyes at the opposite 
 wall. When he is in one of these positions, his 
 
THE rOETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. i)/ 
 
 mother;, who is a worthy affectionate old soul, will 
 give you a nudge to bespeak your attention without 
 disturbing the abstracted one, and whisper with a 
 shake of the head, that John's imagination is at 
 some extraordinary work or other, you may take Iier 
 word for it. Hereupon John looks more fiercely 
 intent upon vacancy than before, and suddenly 
 snatching a pencil from his pocket, puts down three 
 words, and a cross on the back of a card, sighs 
 deeply, paces once or twice across the room, inflicts 
 a most unmerciful slap upon his head, and walks 
 moodily up to his dormitory. 
 
 The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire 
 peculiar notions of things too, which plain ordinary 
 people, unblessed with a poetical obliquity of vision, 
 would suppose to be rather distorted. For instance, 
 when the sickening murder and mangling of a 
 wretched woman was affording delicious food where- 
 withal to gorge the insatiable curiosity of the public, 
 our friend the poetical young gentleman was in 
 ecstacies — not of disgust, but admiration. '^Hea- 
 vens!" cried the poetical young gentleman, *'how 
 grand ; how great ! " We ventured deferentially 
 to inquire upon whom these epithets were bestowed : 
 our humble thoughts oscillating between the police 
 officer who found the criminal, and the lock-keeper 
 who found the head. *' Upon whom!" exclaimed 
 
oS THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 the poetical young gentleman in a frenzy of poetry, 
 " Upon whom should they be bestowed but upon \ 
 the murderer ! " — and thereupon it came out, in 
 a fine torrent of eloquence, that the murderer was- 
 a great spirit, a bold creature full of daring and 
 nerve, a man of dauntless heart and determined 
 courage, and withal a great casuist and able reasoner, 
 as was fully demonstrated in his philosophical 
 colloquies with the great and noble of the land. 
 We held our peace, and meekly signified our in- 
 disposition to controvert these opinions — firstly, be- 
 cause we were no match at quotation for the poetical 
 young gentleman ; and secondly, because we felt it 
 would be of little use our entering into any disputa- 
 tion, if we were : being perfectly convinced that the 
 respectable and immortal hero in question is not the 
 iirst and will not be the last hanged gentleman upon 
 whom false sympathy or diseased curiosity will be 
 plentifully expended. 
 
 This was a stern mystic flight of the poetical 
 young gentleman. In his milder and softer moments 
 he occasionally lays down his neckcloth, and pens 
 stanzas, which sometimes find their way into a 
 Lady's Magazine, or the " Poets' Corner " of some 
 country newspaper ; or which, in default of either 
 vent for his genius, adorn the rainbow leaves of a 
 lady's album. These are generally written upon 
 
THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 59 
 
 some such occasions as contemplating the Bank of 
 England by midnight, or beholding Saint Paul's in 
 a snow storm ; and when these gloomy objects fail 
 to aiford him inspiration, he pours forth his soul in 
 a touching address to a violet, or a plaintive lament 
 that he is no longer a child, but has gradually 
 grown up. 
 
 The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting 
 passages from his favourite authors, who are all of 
 the gloomy and desponding school. He has a great 
 deal to say too about the world, and is much given 
 to opining, especially if he has taken anything strong 
 to drink, that there is nothing in it worth living for. 
 He gives you to understand, however, that for the 
 sake of society, he means to bear his part in the tire- 
 some play, manfully resisting the gratification of his 
 iQwn strong desire to make a premature exit ; and 
 consoles himself with the reflection, that immortality 
 has some chosen nook for himself and the other great 
 spirits whom earth has chafed and wearied. 
 
 When the poetical young gentleman makes use of 
 adjectives, they are all superlatives. Everything is 
 of the grandest, greatest, noblest, mightiest, loftiest ; 
 or the lowest, meanest, obscurest, vilest, and most 
 pitiful. He knows no medium : for enthusiasm is 
 the soul of poetry ; and who so enthusiastic as a 
 poetical young gentleman .'' "Mr. Milkwash," says 
 
60 THE TIIROWINGOFF YOUNG GENTLEMAI^. 
 
 a voung lady as she unlocks lier album to receive 
 the young gentleman's original impromptu contri- 
 bution, "^ how very silent you are ! I think you 
 must be in love." " Love !" cries the poetical young 
 gentleman, starting from his seat by the fire and 
 terrifying the cat who scampers' off at full speed, ' 
 '^ Love ! that burning consuming passion ; that 
 ardour of the soul, that fierce glowing of the heart. 
 Love ! The withering blighting influence of hope 
 misplaced and afix'ction slighted. Love did you say ! 
 Ila! ha! ha!" 
 
 With this, the poetical young gentleman laughs a 
 laugh belonging only to poets and Mr. O. Smith of 
 the Adelphi Theatre, and sits down, pen in hand, to 
 throw off a page or two of verse in the biting, semi- 
 atheistical demoniac style, which, like the poetical 
 young gentleman himself, is full of sound and fury, 
 signifying nothing. 
 
 THE "THROWING-OFF • YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 There is a certain kind of impostor — a bragging, 
 vaunting, putfing young gentleman— against whom 
 we are desirous to warn that fairer part of the crea- 
 tion, to whom we more peculiarly devote these our 
 labours. And we are particularly induced to lay 
 
THE THROWING-OFF YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 61 
 
 especial stress upon this division of our subject, by a 
 little dialogue we held some short time ago, with an 
 esteemed young lady of our acquaintance, touching a 
 most gross specimen of this class of men. We had 
 been urffino; all the absurdities of his conduct and 
 conversation, and dwelling upon the impossibilities 
 he constantly recounted— to which indeed we had 
 not scrupled to prefix a certain hard little word of 
 one syllable and three letters — when our fair friend, 
 unable to maintain the contest any longer, reluc- 
 tantly cried, "Well; he certainly has a habit of 
 throwing-off, but then — " What then? Throw him 
 off yourself, said we. And so she did, but not at our 
 instance, for other reasons appeared, and it might 
 have been better if she had done so at first. 
 
 The throwing-off young gentleman has so often a 
 father possessed of vast property in some remote dis- 
 trict of Ireland, that we look with some suspicion 
 upon all young gentlemen who volunteer this de- 
 scription of themselves. The deceased grandfather of 
 the throwing-off young gentleman was a man of 
 immense possessions, and untold wealth ; the throw- 
 ing-off young gentleman remembers, as well as if it 
 were only yesterday, the deceased baronet's library", 
 with its long rows of scarce and valuable books in 
 superbly embossed bindings, arranged in cases, 
 reaching from the lofty ceiling to the caken floor ; 
 
 I 
 
62 THE THROWING-OFP' YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 and the fine antique chairs and tables, and the noble 
 old castle of Ballykillbabaloo, with its splendid pro- 
 spect of hill and dale, and wood, and rich wild 
 scenery, and the fine hunting stables and the spacious 
 court-yards, "and — and — everything upon the 
 same magnificent scale," says the throwing-ofiT young 
 gentleman, '' princely ; quite princely. Ah ! " And 
 he sighs as if mourning over the fallen fortunes of his 
 noble house. 
 
 The throwing-oflf young gentleman is a universal 
 genius ; at walking, running, rowing, swimming, 
 and skating, he is unrivalled ; at all games of chance 
 or skill, at hunting, shooting, fishing, riding, driv- 
 ing, or amateur theatricals, no one can touch him — 
 that is could not, because he gives you carefully to 
 understand, lest there should be any opportunity of 
 testing his skill, that he is quite out of practice just 
 now, and has been for some years. If you mention 
 any beautiful girl of your common acquaintance in 
 his hearing, the throwing-off young gentleman starts, 
 smiles, and begs you not to mind him, for it was 
 quite involuntary : people do say indeed that they 
 were once engaged, but no — although she is a very 
 fine girl, he was so situated at that time that he 
 couldn't possibly encourage the — " but it's of no use 
 talking about it ! ' he adds, interrupting himself, 
 " She has got over it now, and I firmly hope and 
 
THE TIIROWING-OFF YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 63 
 
 rust is happy." With this benevolent aspiration 
 le nods his head in a mysterious manner, and 
 vliistling the first part of some popular air, thinks 
 )erhaps it will be better to change the subject. 
 
 There is another great characteristic of the throw- 
 ng-ofF young gentleman, which is, that he *' happens 
 (t be acquainted" with a most extraordinary variety 
 if j)eople in all parts of the world. Thus in all 
 lisputed questions, when the throwing-off young 
 gentleman has no argument to bring forward, he in- 
 ariably happens to be acquainted with some distant 
 »erson, intimately connected with the subject, whose 
 estimony decides the point against you, to the 
 ;reat — may we say it — to the great admiration of 
 liree young ladies out of every four, who consider 
 he throwing-off young gentleman a very highly-con- 
 ected young man, and a most charming person. 
 
 Sometimes the throwing-off young gentleman 
 ; appens to look in upon a little family circle of 
 ioung ladies who are quietly spending the evening 
 Dgether, and then indeed is he at the very height 
 nd summit of his glory; for it is to be observed 
 liat he by no means shines to equal advantage in the 
 resence of men as in the society of over-credulous 
 oung ladies, which is his proper element. It is 
 elightful to hear the number of pretty things the 
 bro wing-off young gentleman gives utterance to, 
 
66 THE YOUNG LADIEs' YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 of encountering as the fortunate husband of some 
 rich heiress. Ladies, ladies, the throwing-ofF youn^ 
 gentlemen are often swindlers, and always fools. 
 So pray you avoid them. 
 
 THE YOUNG LADIES' YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 This young gentleman has several titles. Some 
 young ladies consider him " a nice youno- man," 
 others '' a line young man," others " quite a lady's 
 man," others "a handsome man," others "a remark- 
 ably good-looking young man." With some young 
 ladies he is " a perfect angel," and with others 
 " quite a love.'' He is likewise a charming creature, 
 a duck, and a dear. 
 
 The young ladies' young gentleman has usually a 
 fresh colour and very white teeth, which latter 
 articles, of course, he displays on every possible op- 
 portunity. He has brown or black hair, and whiskers 
 of the same, if possible ; but a slight tinge of red, or 
 the hue which is vulgarly known as sandy, is not 
 considered an objection. If his head and face be 
 large, his nose prominent, and his figure square, he 
 is an uncommonly fine young man, and worshipped 
 accordingly. Should his whiskers meet beneath his 
 chin, so much the better, though this is not absolutely 
 
^^^^^^^m^ 
 
 
 Icn.don-aiapnui.;v&/hf.o/.9eSlr,':^zdy. 
 
THE YOUN'G LADIES' YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 67 
 
 insisted on ; but he must wear an under-waistcoat, 
 and smile constantl}'. 
 
 There was a great party got up by some party- 
 loving friends of ours last summer, to go and dine in 
 Epping Forest. As we hold that such wild expe- 
 ditions should never be indulged in, save by people of 
 the smallest means, who have no dinner at home, we 
 should indubitably have excused ourself from attend- 
 ing, if we had not recollected that the projectors of 
 the excursion were always accompanied on such 
 occasions by a choice sample of the young ladies' 
 young gentleman, whom we were very anxious to 
 have an opportunity of meeting. This determined 
 us, and we went. 
 
 We were to make for Chigwell in four glass 
 coaches, each with a trifling company of six or eight 
 inside, and a little boy belonging to the projectors on 
 the box — and to start from the residence of the pro- 
 jectors, Woburn-place, Russell-square, at half-past 
 ten precisely. We arrived at the place of rendezvous 
 at the appointed time, and found the glass coaches 
 and the little boys quite ready, and divers young 
 ladies and young gentlemen looking- anxiously over 
 the breakfast-parlour blinds, who appeared by no 
 means so much gratified by our approach as we 
 might have expected, but evidently wished we had 
 F 2 
 
68 THE YOUNG LADIES' YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 been somebody else. Observing that our arrival in 
 lieu of the unknown occasioned some disappointment, 
 we ventured to inquire who was yet to come, when 
 we found from the hasty reply of a dozen voices, that 
 it was no other than the young ladies' young gentle- 
 man. 
 
 " I cannot imagine," said the mama, ''what has 
 become of ]\Ir. Balim — ahvays so punctual, always so 
 pleasant and agreeable. 1 am sure I ain-not think.'' 
 As these last words v/ere uttered in that measured, 
 emphatic manner which painfully announces that the 
 speaker has not quite made up his or her mind what 
 to say, but is determined to talk on nevertheless, the 
 eldest daughter took up the subject, and hoped no 
 accident had happened to INIr. Balim, upon which 
 there was a general chorus of ' Dear IMr. Balim !" 
 and one young lady, more adventurous than the rest, 
 proposed that an express should be straightway sent 
 to dear Mr. Balim's lodgings. This, however, the 
 papa resolutely opposed, observing, in what a short 
 young lady behind us termed " quite a bearish way," 
 that if Mr. Balim did'nt choose to come, he might 
 stop at home. At this all the daughters raised a 
 murmur of ^' Oh pa ! " except one sprightly little girl 
 of eight or ten years old, ^vho, taking advantage of 
 a pause in the discourse, remarked, that perhaps Mr. 
 
 i 
 
THE YOUNG LADIEs' YOUNG (JENTLEMAN. 69 
 
 Balim miglit have been married that morning — for 
 which impertinent suggestion she was summarily 
 ejected from the room by her eldest sister. 
 
 We were all in a state of great mortification and 
 uneasiness, when one of the little boys, running into 
 the room as airily as little boys usually run who have 
 an unlimited allowance of animal food in the holi- 
 days, and keep their hands constantly forced down 
 to the bottoms of very deep trouser-pockets when they 
 take exercise, joyfully announced that jMr. Balim was 
 at that moment coming up the street in a hackney- 
 cab ; and the intelligence was confirmed beyond all 
 doubt a minute afterwards by the entry of IMr. Balim 
 himself, who was received with repeated cries of 
 'MVhere have you been, you naughty creature?" 
 whereunto the naughty creature replied, that he had 
 been in bed, in consequence of a late party the night 
 before, and had only just risen. The acknowledgment 
 awakened a variety of agonizing fears that he had 
 taken no breakfast ; which appearing after a slight 
 cross-examination to be the real state of the case, 
 breakfast for one was immediately ordered, notwith- 
 standing Mr. Balim's repeated protestations that he 
 could'nt think of it. He did think of it though, and 
 thought better of it too, for he made a remarkably 
 good meal when it came, and was assiduously served 
 by a select knot of young ladies. It was quite delight- 
 
70 THE YOUNG LADIES* YOUNG GENTLEMAN- 
 
 ful to see how he ate and drank, while one pair of 
 fair hands poured out his coffee, and another put in 
 the sugar, and another the milk ; the rest of the com- 
 pany ever and anon casting angry ghmces at their 
 watches, and the glass coaches, — and the little boys 
 looking on in an agony of apprehension lest it should 
 begin to rain before we set out ; it might have rained 
 all day, after ^^'e Mere once too far to turn back again, 
 and welcome for aught they cared. 
 
 However, the cavalcade moved at length, every 
 coachman being accommodated with a hamper be- 
 tween his legs something larger than a wheelbarrow ; 
 and the company being packed as closely as they pos- 
 sibly could in the carriages, " according," as one 
 married lady observed, '^ to the immemorial custom, 
 which was half the diversion of gipsy parties." Think- 
 ing it very likely it might be (we have never been 
 able to discover the other half), we submitted to be 
 stowed away with a cheerful aspect, and were fortu- 
 nate enough to occupy one corner of a coach in which 
 were one old lady, four young ladies, and the re- 
 nowned Mr. Balim the young ladies' young gentle- 
 man. 
 
 We were no sooner fairly off, than the young ladies' 
 young gentleman hummed a fragment of an air, which 
 induced a young lady to inquire whether he had 
 danced to that the nijiht before. " By Heaven, 
 
THE YOUNG LADIES YOUNG GENTLEMAN. / 1 
 
 then, I did," replied the young gentleman, " and with 
 a lovely heiress ; a superb creature, with twenty 
 thousand pounds." ^' You seem rather struck," ob- 
 served another young lady. "^ 'Gad she was a sweet 
 creature," returned the young gentleman, arranging 
 his hair. "' Of course she was struck too ? " inquired 
 the first young lady. " How can you ask, love ?" in- 
 terposed the second ; '' Could she fail to be ? " " Well, 
 honestly I think she was," observed the young gentle- 
 man. At this point of the dialogue, the young lady 
 who had spoken first, and who sat on the young 
 gentleman's right, struck him a severe blow on the 
 arm with a rosebud, and said he was a vain man — 
 whereupon the young gentleman insisted on having 
 the rosebud, and the young lady appealing for help 
 to the other young ladies, a charming struggle ensued, 
 terminating in the victory of the young gentleman, 
 and the capture of the rosebud. This little skirmish 
 over, the married lady, who was the mother of the 
 rosebud, smiled sweetly upon the young gentleman, 
 and accused him of being a Hirt ; the young gentle- 
 man pleading not guilty, a most interesting discus- 
 sion took place upon the important point wliether the 
 young gentleman was a flirt or not, which being an 
 agreeable conversation of a light kind, lasted a con- 
 siderable time. At length, a short silence occurring, 
 the young ladies on either side of the young gentleman 
 
72 THE YOUNG LADIES YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 
 
 fell suddenly fast asleep ; and the young gentleman, 
 winking upon us to preserve silence, won a pair of 
 gloves from each, thereby causing them to wake with 
 equal suddenness and to scream very loud. The 
 lively conversation to which this pleasantry gave rise, 
 lasted for the remainder of the ride, and would have 
 eked out a much longer one. 
 
 We dined rather more comfortably than people 
 usually do under such circumstances, nothing having 
 l)cen left behind but the corkscrew and the bread. 
 The married gentlemen were unusually thirsty, 
 which they attributed to the heat of the weather ; 
 the little boys ate to inconvenience ; mamas were 
 very jovial, and their daughters very fascinating; 
 and the attendants being well-behaved men, got ex- 
 ceedingly drunk at a respectful distance. 
 
 We had our eye on Mr. Balim at dinner-time, and 
 perceived that he flourished wonderfully, being still 
 surrounded by a little group of young ladies, who 
 listened to him as an oracle, while he ate from their 
 plates and drank from their glasses in a manner truly 
 captivating from its excessive playfulness. His con- 
 versation, too, was exceedingly brilliant. In fact, one 
 elderly lady assured us, that in the course of a little 
 lively hadinage on the subject of ladies' dresses, he 
 had evinced as much knowledge as if he had been 
 born and bred a milliner. 
 
THE YOUNG 
 
 ladies' young gentleman. 73 
 
 As such of the fat people who did not happen to 
 fall asleep after dinner entered upon a most vigorous 
 game at ball, we slipped away alone into a thicker 
 part of the wood, hoping to fall in with Mr. Balim, 
 the greater part of the young people having dropped 
 off in twos and threes, and the young ladies' 
 young gentleman among them. Nor were we dis- 
 appointed, for we had not walked far, when, peeping 
 through the trees, we discovered him before us, and 
 truly it was a pleasant thing to contemplate his great- 
 ness. 
 
 The young ladies' young gentleman was seated 
 upon the ground, at the feet of a few young ladies' 
 who were reclining on a bank ; he was so profusely 
 decked with scarfs, ribands, tlowers, and other pretty 
 spoils, that he looked like a lamb — or perhaps a calf 
 would be a better simile — adorned for the sacrifice. 
 One young lady supported a parasol over his interest- 
 ing head, another held his hat, and a third his neck- 
 cloth, which in romantic fashion he had thrown off; 
 the young gentleman himself, with his hand upon 
 his breast, and his face moulded into an expression of 
 the most honeyed sweetness, was warbling forth some 
 choice specimens of vocal music in praise of female 
 loveliness, in a style so exquisitely perfect, that we 
 burst into an involuntary shout of laughter, and 
 made a hastv retreat. 
 
74 CONCLUSIOX. 
 
 What charming fellows these young ladies' young 
 gentlemen are ! Ducks, dears, loves, angels, are all 
 terms inadequate to express their merit. They are 
 such amazingly, uncommonly, wonderfully, nice men. 
 
 CONCLUSION. 
 
 As we have placed before the young ladies so many 
 specimens of young gentlemen, and have also in 
 the dedication of this volume given them to un- 
 derstand how much we reverence and admire their 
 numerous virtues and perfections ; as we have given 
 them such strong reasons to treat us with confidence, 
 and to banish, in our case, all that reserve and dis- 
 trust of the male sex which, as a point of general 
 behaviour, they cannot do better than preserve and 
 maintain — we say, as we have done all this, we feel 
 that now, when we have arrived at the close of our 
 task, they may naturally press upon us the inquiry, 
 what particular description of young gentlemen we 
 can conscientiously recommend. 
 
 Here we are at a loss. We look over our list, and 
 can neither recommend the bashful young gentleman, 
 nor the out-and-out young gentleman, nor the very 
 friendly young gentleman, nor the military young 
 gentleman, nor the political young gentleman, nor 
 
CONCLUSION. 75 
 
 the domestic young gentleman, nor the censorious 
 young gentleman, nor the funny young gentleman, 
 nor the theatrical young gentleman, nor the poetical 
 young gentleman, nor the throwing-off young gen- 
 tleman, nor the young ladies' young gentleman. 
 
 As there are some good points about many of 
 them, which still are not sufficiently numerous to 
 render any one among them eligible, as a whole, our 
 respectful advice to the young ladies is, to seek for a 
 young gentleman who unites in himself the best 
 qualities of all, and the worst weaknesses of none, 
 and to lead him forthwith to the hymeneal altar, 
 whether he will or no. And to the young lady who 
 secures him, we beg to tender one short fragment of 
 matrimonial advice, selected from many sound pas- 
 sages of a similar tendency, to be found in a letter 
 written by Dean Swift to a young lady on her mar- 
 riage. 
 
 <' The grand affair of your life will be, to gain and 
 preserve the esteem of your husband. Neither good- 
 nature nor virtue will suffer him to esteem you 
 against his judgment; and although he is not capa- 
 ble of using you ill, yet you will in time grow a 
 .thing indifferent and perhaps contemptible; unless 
 you can supply the loss of youth and beauty with 
 more durable qualities. You have but a very few 
 years to be young and handsome in the eyes of the 
 
76 CONCLUSION. 
 
 world ; and as few months to be so in the eyes of a 
 husband who is not a fool ; for I hope you do not 
 still dream of charms and raptures, which marriage 
 ever did, and ever will, put a sudden end to." 
 
 From the anxiety we express for the proper beha- 
 viour of the fortunate lady after marriage, it may 
 possibly be inferred that the young gentleman to 
 whom we have so delicately alluded, is no other than 
 ourself. Without in any way committing ourself 
 upon this point, we have merely to observe, that 
 we are ready to receive sealed offers containing a 
 full specification of age, temper, appearance, and 
 condition ; but we beg it to be distinctly understood 
 that we do not pledge ourself to accept the highest 
 bidder. 
 
 These offers may be forwarded to the Publishers, 
 ]\Iessrs. Chapman and Hall, one hundred and eighty- 
 six, Strand, London ; to whom all pieces of plate 
 and other testimonials of approbation from the young 
 ladies generally, are respectfully requested to be 
 addressed. 
 
 THE END. 
 
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