GIFT OF CLASS OP 1900 Chauncey M. de Stoneaxe's After-Dinner Speech. INVENTED AND DESIGNED BY ETHEL WATTS MUMFORD PAUL ELDER AND COMPANY PUBLISHERS, SAN FRANCISCO J Copyright, 1905 by Paul Elder and Company San Francisco To him who loves a bit of wit, Yet cannot quite recapture it, We dedicate this Humor Trap, Merely remarking, "Verbum Sap." (D 329409 This is a foreword, and to say a thing in four words is to save the soul of wit. Briefly, the deviser of this Boon to Humanity has observed many a man endeavoring to find the back of an en- velope (which he will mislay the next moment), upon which to record some fleeting joke. Moreover, said man burdens his wallet with clippings from the wings of Humor. He need do so no more. This little book requests to be a pocket companion, having carefully fitted itself for "that position, and will classify and, for the outlay of a mere word or two, retain the "elusive" good story. It makes its bow and puts up a brave front, as did the tobacconist when he rolled out his wooden Indian. PROFESSIONS A farmer arrived very late at a country doctor's house and requested him to come instantly to a distant farm. The' doctor hitched up and drove furiously. Upon arrival the hayseed inquired, "What fee?" "Three dollars," replied the doctor, surprised. The countryman paid. " There yer are, Doc ; that durned liveryman wanted five." ^s IRISH Bedelia wept" I know yez wants ter marry me, but 1 ve something awful I've got ter tell yez ! " " The saints preserve us ! " 1 Pat, I'm a somnambulist ! " "Pwhist, now,^that's all right; you go to your church, an I'll go to mine ! " ^R ^R ^R COON Said the chambermaid in a little Southern hotel, " I ain't got no use for dese yer transom bo'ders ; what I like is persistent bo'ders." V LADIES " Will you always love me ? " he begged, passionately. She crossed to the piano. " As long as the con goes ! " she sang softly. JEWS The Inspector scowled at the passing peddler. " Say, Isaacslein, what have yer dene ter yerself ? I'd hardly know yer ! Yer must have taken a bath ! " The peddler looked frightened and uncertain. "No, it vasn't me! -is there von missing ? " JINGLES There was an old Turk named Mahomet, Who slept in a pale pink pajimit. " He had best stay in bed," His astrologer said, " With his horoscope ruled by a comet." CLERGY Ex'ract from the sermon of a colored revivalist: "De Lawd made de sea, an' he rested, an* he made de fishes, an' rested, an* he made de Ian', an* he rested. He made de trees an* de yarbs, an* he rested, an* de beasties, an* he rested. He made Man, an* he rested, an* den made Woman ! Brev'ren, neither de Lawd nor man has rested GERMAN Two tailors owned a dog. One day Fritz shrieked to August, "Ach! Bismarck has schwallow-ed der tape measure, und iss dying py inches." " Qyick ! " cried August. " Open der area door, und let him die py der yard." -A- -A- $" ^ CD CL LA /V ouS -A- T C 1 CD IA /ve ouS 1 -A- EPIGRAMS Laugh, and the world laughs with you; snore, and you ieep alone. /A'5 LA we cuS ft ^ /X\?5 . i.A ouS CEL LA A/ COS J DAGOS A Frenchman invented a shuttle and went to Birming- ham to market it in England. On visiting the cockney head of the mills he observed him to be hurried. " I see zat you haf a rendez-vous. Geeve me anozer interview, and I will not now cockroach upon your time." "Cockroach!" ex- claimed the cockney, "Cockroach on me time! Oh, you mean hencroach!" "Alas! monsieur, I mistake ze gendre." r* %> T C 1 /ve ou . fe gp Ceu U Af cog Ceu LA NE ouS 1 \\\ KIDS Extract from a little boy's composition on the " Habits Customs of the Greeks " "The Greeks married but one wife, a custom what they ailed ' Monotony.' " CEL /.A N ous # % c CD . LA NE Ou # ' Jfr c& T c 1 CD CEL . tA /ve ou ,'^ * A SCOTCH AND ENGLISH Soup was being set before a dissatisfied Englishman at a table d'hote. "What's this nasty stuff? " he demanded. " It's bean soup, sir," said the waiter. " Yes, I see it's been soup, but what is it now ? " CEL LA /ve ouS T 1 GJ LA N ouS LA A/6 ou V SPORTS " I know nothing about golf," said the fluffy girl. "Why, I don't even know how lo carry a caddie." LA N OUS /A'5 CEL LA A/ co 1 Ceu LA A/e OUS I /A'5 CEL tA A/E ouS Said the barkeep proudly to the waiter, " I have a brother who is a detective down at the mint." " Ah," said the waiter, scornfully, "an order of mint spy." CEU LA NE. ouS UN PRINT ABLE UN PRINT ABLE UN PRINT ABLE UN PRINT ABLE Editor's Note This section uniliustrated. 14 DAY USE RETURN TO DESK FROM WHICH BORROWED LOAN DEPT, This book is due on the last date stamped below, or on the date to which renewed. Renewed books are subject to immediate recall. REC'D U/| NOV 13 1956 Dec'56Fi LD J&L DEC 4 1956 JAN ^^ REC'D U3 FtB 281962 APR 8 t960 LD 21-100m-6,'56 (B9311slO)476 General Library University of California Berkeley UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY