GIFT OF 
 CLASS OP 1900 
 

Chauncey M. de Stoneaxe's After-Dinner Speech. 
 
INVENTED AND 
 DESIGNED BY 
 
 ETHEL WATTS MUMFORD 
 
 PAUL ELDER AND COMPANY 
 PUBLISHERS, SAN FRANCISCO 
 
J 
 
 Copyright, 1905 
 
 by Paul Elder and Company 
 
 San Francisco 
 
To him who loves a bit of wit, 
 Yet cannot quite recapture it, 
 We dedicate this Humor Trap, 
 Merely remarking, "Verbum Sap." 
 
 (D 
 
 329409 
 
This is a foreword, and to say a 
 thing in four words is to save the soul 
 of wit. 
 
 Briefly, the deviser of this Boon to 
 Humanity has observed many a man 
 endeavoring to find the back of an en- 
 velope (which he will mislay the next 
 moment), upon which to record some 
 fleeting joke. Moreover, said man 
 burdens his wallet with clippings from 
 the wings of Humor. He need do so 
 no more. 
 
 This little book requests to be a 
 pocket companion, having carefully 
 fitted itself for "that position, and will 
 classify and, for the outlay of a mere 
 word or two, retain the "elusive" 
 good story. 
 
 It makes its bow and puts up a 
 brave front, as did the tobacconist 
 when he rolled out his wooden Indian. 
 
PROFESSIONS 
 
 A farmer arrived very late at a country doctor's house 
 and requested him to come instantly to a distant farm. The' 
 doctor hitched up and drove furiously. Upon arrival the 
 hayseed inquired, "What fee?" "Three dollars," replied 
 the doctor, surprised. The countryman paid. " There yer 
 are, Doc ; that durned liveryman wanted five." 
 

^s 
 
IRISH 
 
 Bedelia wept" I know yez wants ter marry me, but 
 1 ve something awful I've got ter tell yez ! " 
 
 " The saints preserve us ! " 
 
 1 Pat, I'm a somnambulist ! " 
 
 "Pwhist, now,^that's all right; you go to your church, 
 an I'll go to mine ! " 
 
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COON 
 
 Said the chambermaid in a little Southern hotel, " I 
 ain't got no use for dese yer transom bo'ders ; what I like is 
 persistent bo'ders." 
 


 
V 
 
LADIES 
 
 " Will you always love me ? " he begged, passionately. 
 She crossed to the piano. " As long as the con goes ! " she 
 sang softly. 
 

 
JEWS 
 
 The Inspector scowled at the passing peddler. " Say, 
 Isaacslein, what have yer dene ter yerself ? I'd hardly know 
 yer ! Yer must have taken a bath ! " The peddler looked 
 frightened and uncertain. "No, it vasn't me! -is there von 
 missing ? " 
 


 
 JINGLES 
 
 There was an old Turk named Mahomet, 
 Who slept in a pale pink pajimit. 
 
 " He had best stay in bed," 
 
 His astrologer said, 
 " With his horoscope ruled by a comet." 
 

CLERGY 
 
 Ex'ract from the sermon of a colored revivalist: 
 "De Lawd made de sea, an' he rested, an* he made de 
 fishes, an' rested, an* he made de Ian', an* he rested. He 
 made de trees an* de yarbs, an* he rested, an* de beasties, an* 
 he rested. He made Man, an* he rested, an* den made 
 Woman ! Brev'ren, neither de Lawd nor man has rested 
 

GERMAN 
 
 Two tailors owned a dog. One day Fritz shrieked to 
 August, "Ach! Bismarck has schwallow-ed der tape 
 measure, und iss dying py inches." 
 
 " Qyick ! " cried August. " Open der area door, und 
 let him die py der yard." 
 
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EPIGRAMS 
 
 Laugh, and the world laughs with you; snore, and you 
 ieep alone. 
 
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 DAGOS 
 
 A Frenchman invented a shuttle and went to Birming- 
 ham to market it in England. On visiting the cockney head 
 of the mills he observed him to be hurried. " I see zat you 
 haf a rendez-vous. Geeve me anozer interview, and I will 
 not now cockroach upon your time." "Cockroach!" ex- 
 claimed the cockney, "Cockroach on me time! Oh, you 
 mean hencroach!" "Alas! monsieur, I mistake ze gendre." 
 
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 KIDS 
 
 Extract from a little boy's composition on the " Habits 
 Customs of the Greeks " 
 
 "The Greeks married but one wife, a custom what they 
 ailed ' Monotony.' " 
 


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SCOTCH AND ENGLISH 
 
 Soup was being set before a dissatisfied Englishman at 
 a table d'hote. 
 
 "What's this nasty stuff? " he demanded. 
 
 " It's bean soup, sir," said the waiter. 
 
 " Yes, I see it's been soup, but what is it now ? " 
 

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 SPORTS 
 
 " I know nothing about golf," said the fluffy girl. "Why, 
 I don't even know how lo carry a caddie." 
 
 
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Said the barkeep proudly to the waiter, " I have a 
 brother who is a detective down at the mint." " Ah," said 
 the waiter, scornfully, "an order of mint spy." 
 
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 Editor's Note This section uniliustrated. 
 

 14 DAY USE 
 
 RETURN TO DESK FROM WHICH BORROWED 
 
 LOAN DEPT, 
 
 This book is due on the last date stamped below, or 
 
 on the date to which renewed. 
 Renewed books are subject to immediate recall. 
 
 REC'D U/| 
 
 NOV 13 1956 
 
 Dec'56Fi 
 
 LD 
 
 J&L 
 
 DEC 4 1956 
 
 JAN 
 
 
 ^^ 
 
 REC'D U3 
 
 FtB 281962 
 
 APR 8 t960 
 
 LD 21-100m-6,'56 
 (B9311slO)476 
 
 General Library 
 
 University of California 
 
 Berkeley 
 
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY