Satire Antholo Collected Jjx Carolyn Wells THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES From the library of Henry G ldman, E.S. Ph.D, 1886-1972 A SATIRE ANTHOLOGY " &4TIRE should, like a polished razor keen, U Wound with a touch that's scarcely felt or seen. ' LADY MARY WORTLEY MONTAGU. A Satire v|f K I Anthology | I > f Collected by Carolvn Veils Charles Scribners Sons 1 95 M COPYRIGHT, 1905, BY CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS Published, October, 1905 TO MINNIE HARPER PILLING NOTE ACKNOWLEDGMENT is hereby gratefully made to the publishers of the various poems included in this com- pilation. Those by Oliver Wendell Holmes, James Russell Lowell, John G. Saxe, Edward Rowland Sill, John Hay, Bayard Taylor and Edith Thomas are published by permission of Messrs. Houghton, Mifflin & Co. The poems by Anthony Deane and Owen Seaman are used by arrangement with John Lane. Through the courtesy of Small, Maynard & Co., are included poems by Bliss Carman, Charlotte Perkins Stetson-Gilman, Stephen Crane, and Frederic Ridgely Torrence. Poems by Sam Walter Foss are published by permission of Lothrop, Lee & Shepherd Co. The Century Co. are the publishers of poems by Richard Watson Gilder and Mary Mapes Dodge. Frederich A. Stokes Company give permission for poems by Gelett Burgess and Stephen Crane. "The Bunding Ball," by Edgar Fawcett is published by permission of Funk and Wagnalls Company; "Hoch der Kaiser" by Rodney Blake, by the courtesy of the New Amsterdam Book Co. The poems by James Jeffrey Roche by permission of E. H. Bacon & Co.; and "The Font in the Forest" by Herman Knickerbocker Viele, by permission of Brentano's. "The Evolution of a Name," by Charles Battell Loomis, is quoted from "Just Rhymes," Copyright, 1899, by R. H. Russell. "He and She," by Eugene Fitch Ware, is published by permission of G. P. Putnam's Sons. CONTENTS PAGE Chorus of Women .... Aristophanes. ... 3 A Would-Be Literary Bore. . Horace 4 The Wish for Length of Life . Juvenal 6 The Ass's Legacy .... Ruteboeu} .... 7 A Ballade of Old-Time Ladies Francois Villon ... 1 1 (Translated by John Payne). A Carman's Account of a Law- suit Sir David Lyndsay . . 12 The Soul's Errand .... Sir Walter Raleigh . . 13 Of a Certain Man .... Sir John Harrington . 16 A Precise Tailor Sir John Harrington . 16 The Will John Donne . . . . 18 From "King Henry IV" . . William Shakespeare . 20 From ' ' Love' s Labour' s Lost ' ' . William Shakespeare . 2 1 From "As You Like It" . . William Shakespeare . 22 Horace Concocting An Ode . Thomas Dekker ... 23 On Don Surly Ben Jonson .... 24 The Scholar and His Dog . . John Marston ... 25 The Manly Heart .... George Wither ... 26 The Constant Lover . . . Sir John Suckling . . 27 The Remonstrance .... Sir John Suckling . . 28 Saintship versus Conscience . Samuel Butler ... 29 Description of Holland . . . Samuel Butler ... 30 The Religion of Hudibras . . Samuel Butler ... 31 Satire on the Scots .... John Cleiveland ... 32 Song Richard Lovelace . . 34 The Character of Holland . . A ndrew Marvell ... 35 The Duke of Buckingham . . John Dryden. ... 37 OnShadwell John Dryden. ... 38 Satire on Edward Howard . . Charles Sackvillr, Earl of Dorset .... 39 St. Anthony's Sermon to the Fishes Abraham d Sancta Clara 39 Introduction to the True-Born Englishman Daniel Defoe. ... 41 Contents PAGE An Epitaph Matthew Prior ... 43 The Remedy Worse than the Disease Matthew Prior ... 45 Twelve Articles Jonathan Swift ... 46 The Furniture of a Woman's Mind Jonathan Swift ... 48 From "The Love of Fame" . Edward Young ... 50 Dr. Delany's Villa .... Thomas Sheridan . . 52 The Quidnunckis .... John Gay .... 54 The Sick Man and the Angel . John Gay .... 55 Sandys' Ghost Alexander Pope . . . 57 From "The Epistle to Dr. Ar- buthnot" Alexander Pope ... 60 The Three Black Crows . . JohnByrom .... 63 An Epitaph George John Cayley . . 64 An Epistle to Sir Robert Wai- pole Henry Fielding ... 65 The Public Breakfast . . . Christopher Anstey . . 67 An Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog Oliver Goldsmith . . 72 On Smollett Charles Churchill . . 73 The Uncertain Man. . . . William Cowper . . . 74 A Faithful Picture of Ordinary Society William Cowper . . . 74 On Johnson John Wolcott (Peter Pin- <*<") 75 To Boswell John Wolcott (Peter Pin- dar) 76 The Hen Matt. Claudius ... 77 Let Us All be Unhappy To- gether Charles Dibdin ... 78 The Friar of Orders Gray . . John O'Keefe ... 79 The Country Squire . . . Tomas Yriarte ... 80 The Eggs Tomas Yriarte ... 82 The Literary Lady .... Richard Brinsley Sheri- dan 84 Contents PAGE Sly Lawyers George Crabbe ... 85 Reporters George Crabbe ... 85 Address to the Unco Guid, or the Rigidly Righteous . . Robert Burns. ... 86 Holy Willie's Prayer . . . Robert Burns. ... 88 Kitty of Coleraine .... Ed-war d Lysaght . . . 91 The Friend of Humanity and the Knife-Grinder . . . George Canning ... 92 Nora's Vow Sir Walter Scott ... 94 Job Samuel T. Coleridge. . 95 Cologne Samuel T. Coleridge. . 96 Giles's Hope Samuel T. Coleridge. . 96 The Battle of Blenheim. . . Robert Southey ... 97 The Well of St. Keyne . . . Robert Southey ... 99 The Poet of Fashion . . . James Smith . . . . 101 Christmas Out of Town . . James Smith. . . . 103 Eternal London Thomas Moore . . . 105 The Modern Puffing System . Thomas Moore . . . 106 Lying Thomas Moore . . . 108 The King of Yvetot (Version of W.M.Thackeray) . . . Pierre Jean deBeranger. 109 Sympathy Reginald Heber . . . in A Modest Wit Selleck Osborn . . . 112 The Philosopher's Scales . . Jane Taylor . . . . 114 From "The Feast of the Poets" James Henry Leigh Hunt 116 Rich and Poor; or, Saint and Sinner Thomas L. Peacock . . 117 Mr. Barney Maguire's Account of the Coronation .... Richard Harris Bar- ham 119 From "The Devil's Drive" . Lord Byron .... 123 From " English Bards and Scotch Reviewers" . . . Lord Byron . . . . 125 To Woman Lord Byron .... 126 A Country House Party. . . Lord Byron . . . . 127 [xi] Contents .PAGE Greediness Punished . . . Friedrich Riickert . . 130 Woman Fitz-Greene Halleck . . 132 The Rich and the Poor Man (From the Russian of Krem- nitzer) Sir John Bo-wring . . 132 Ozymandias Percy Bysshe Shelley . 134 Cui Bono Thomas Carlylc . . . 135 Father-Land and Mother Tongue Samuel Lover . . . 135 Father Molloy Samuel Lover . . . 136 Gaffer Gray (From " Hugh Trevor" Thomas Holcrojt . . 139 Cockle v. Cackle .... Thomas Hood . . . 140 Our Village Thomas Hood . . . 145 The Devil at Home (From "The Devil's Progress"). . Thomas Kibble Hervey . 149 How to Make a Novel . . . Lord Charles N eaves . 150 Two Characters .... Henry Taylor . . . 151 The Sailor's Consolation . . William Pitt .... 152 Verses on seeing the Speaker asleep in his Chair during One of the Debates of the First Reformed Parliament . Winthrop M. Praed . . 154 Pelters of Pyramids . . . Richard Hengist Horne. 155 The Annuity George Outram . . . 156 Malbrouck Translated by Father Prout 161 A Man's Requirements. . . Elizabeth Barrett Brown- ing 163 Critics Elizabeth Barrett Brown- ing 164 The Miser Edward Fitzgerald . . 166 Cacoethes Scribendi . . . Oliver Wendell Holmes . 166 A Familiar Letter to Several Correspondents .... Oliver Wendell Holmes . 167 Contentment Oliver Wendell Holmes . 171 [xii] Co nt ent s PAGE How to Make a Man of Con- sequence Mark Lemon. . . . 173 The Widow Malone. . . . Charles Lever . . . 173 The Pauper's Drive. . . . T.Noel 175 On Lytton Alfred Tennyson . . 177 Sorrows of Werther . . . William Makepeace Thackeray. . . . 178 Mr. Molony's Account of the Ball Given to the Nepaulese Ambassador by the Penin- William Makepeace sular and Oriental Company. Thackeray. . . . 179 Damages, Two , Hundred William Makepeace Pounds Thackeray. . . . 182 The Lost Leader .... Robert Browning . . 186 The Pope and the Net . . . Robert Browning . . 188 Soliloquy of the Spanish Clois- ter Robert Browning . . 190 Cynical Ode to an Ultra-Cyni- cal Public Charles Mackay . . 192 The Great Critics .... Charles Mackay . . 193 The Laureate William E. Ay tour. . . 194 Woman's Will John Godfrey Saxe . . 196 The Mourner a la Mode . . John Godfrey Saxe . . 197 There is no God .... Arthur Hugh Cloug]i . 199 The Latest Decalogue . . . Arthur Hugh Clough . 200 From "A Fable for Critics" . James Russell Lowell . 201 The Pious Editor's Creed . . James Russell Lowell . 206 Revelry in India Bartholomew Dowling . 210 A Fragment Grace Greenwood . . 212 Nothing to Wear .... William Allen Butler . 213 A Review (The Inn Album, By Robert Browning) . . . Bayard Taylor . . .221 The Positivists Mortimer Collins . . 224 Sky-Making Mortimer Collins . . 226 My Lord Tomnoddy . . . Robert Barnabas BrougJi 227 Hiding the Skeleton . . . George Meredith. . . 229 Contents Midges ....... Robert Bulwer Lytton PAGE The Schoolmaster Abroad with his Son Of Propriety Charles Stuart Calverley. Charles Stuart Calverley 233 Peace. A Study .... All Saints Fame's Penny Trumpet The Diamond Wedding True to Port Sleep On Charles Stuart Calverley. Edmund Yates ... Lewis Carroll . , r. . Edmund Clarence Sted- man .....' Frank C. Burnand . W.S.Gilbert. . . . 236 237 238 240 247 249 To the Terrestrial Globe, By a Miserable Wretch . . . W.S.Gilbert. ... 250 The Ape and the Lady . . W.S.Gilbert. ... 250 Anglicised Utopia .... W.S.Gilbert. . . . 252 Etiquette W.S.Gilbert. ... 254 The Aesthete W.S.Gilbert. ... 260 Too Late Fitz-Hugh Ludlow . . 261 Life in Laconics Mary M apes Dodge . . 263 Distiches . . . . . . John Hay 264 The Poet and the Critics . . Austin Dobson . . . 265 The Love Letter Austin Dobson . . . 267 Fame James Herbert Morse . 269 Five Lives Edward Rowland Sill . 270 He and She Eugene Fitch Ware . . 272 What Will We Do ?. . . . Robert J . Burdette . . 272 The Tool Richard Watson Gilder . 273 Give Me a Theme .... Richard Watson Gilder . 274 The Poem, To the Critic . . Richard Watson Gilder . 274 Ballade of Literary Fame . . A.Lang 274 Chorus of Anglomaniacs (From The Buntling Ball) . . . Edgar Fawcett . . . 275 The Net of Law .... James Jeffrey Roche . . 277 A Boston Lullaby .... James Jeffrey Roche . . 277 The V-A-S-E James Jeffrey Roche . . 278 Thursday Frederick E. Weatherly . 280 [xiv] Contents PAGE A Bird in the Hand Frederick E. Weatherly . 281 An Advanced Thinker . Brander Matthews . 282 A Thought J.K.Stephen . . . 283 A Sonnet J.K.Stephen . . . 284 They Said Edith M. Thomas . . 284 ToR. K J.K.Stephen . . . 286 To Miguel de Cervantes Saave- dra R. K. Munkittrick . . 287 What's in a Name .... R. K. Munkittrick . . 288 Wed H . C. Bunner . . . 289 Atlantic City H. C. Bunner . . . 290 The Font in the Forest . . . Herman Knickerbocker Viele 294 The Origin of Sin .... Samuel Walter Foss . . 294 A Philosopher . . . . . Samuel Walter Foss . . 295 The Fate of Pious Dan . . . Samuel Walter Foss . . 298 The Meeting of the Clabber- huses Samuel Walter Foss . 300 Wedded Bliss Charlotte Perkins (Stet- son) Oilman ... 303 A Conservative Charlotte Perkins (Stet- son) Gilman . . . 304 Same Old Story Harry B. Smith . . . 306 Hem and Haw Bliss Carman . . . 307 The Sceptics Bliss Carman . . . 308 The Evolution of a "Name" . Charles Battell Loomis . 310 " The Hurt that Honour Feels " Owen Seaman . . . 310 John Jenkins . ' . . . . Anthony C. Deane . . 313 A Certain Cure Anthony C. Deane . . 316 The Beauties of Nature (A Fragment from an Unpub- lished Epic) Anthony C. Deane . .. 317 Paradise. A Hindoo Legend . George Birdseye . . . 319 Hoch ! der Kaiser .... Rodney Blake . . . 320 On a Magazine Sonnet . . . Russell Hilliar d Loines . 321 Earth Oliver Her ford . . . 321 [xv] Contents PAGE A Butterfly of Fashion . . . Oliver Her ford . . . 322 General Summary .... Rudyard Kipling . . 324 The Conundrum of the Work- shops Rudyard Kipling . . 326 Extracts from the Rubaiyat of Omar Cayenne .... Gelett Burgess . . . 328 Ballade of Expansion . . . Hilda Johnson . . . 331 Friday Afternoon at the Boston Symphony Hall .... Faulkner Armytage . . 332 War is Kind Stephen Crane . . . 336 Lines Stephen Crane . . . 337 From "The House of a Hun- dred Lights" Frederic Ridgely Tor- rence 340 The British Visitor .... From The Troliopiad . 343 A Match Punch 343 Wanted a Governess . . . Anonymous .... 346 Lines by an Old Fogy . . . Anonymous .... 348 [xvi] INTRODUCTION INTRODUCTION OATIRE, though a form of literature familiar ^J to everyone, is difficult to define. Partaking variously of sarcasm, irony, ridicule, and bur- lesque, it is exactly synonymous with no one of these. Satire is primarily dependent on the motive of its writer. Unless meant for satire, it is not the real thing; unconscious satire is a contradiction of terms, or a mere figure of speech. Secondarily, satire depends on the reader. What seems to us satire to-day, may not seem so to- morrow. Or, what seems satire to a pessimistic mind, may seem merely good-natured chaff to an optimist. This, of course, refers to the subtler forms of satire. Many classic satires are direct lampoons or broadsides which admit of only one interpreta- tion. Literature numbers many satirists among its most honoured names; and the best satires show intellect, education, and a keen appreciation of human nature. Nor is satire necessarily vindictive or spiteful. Often its best examples show a kindly tolerance for [xix] A Satire Anthology the vice or folly in question, and even hint a tacit acceptance of the conditions condemned. Again, in the hands of a carping and unsympathetic critic, satire is used with vitriolic effects on sins for which the writer has no mercy. This lashing form of satire was doubtless the earliest type. The Greeks show sardonic examples of it, but the Romans allowed a broader sense of humour to soften the satirical sting. Following and outstripping Lucilius, Horace is the acknowledged father of satire, and was himself followed, and, in the opinion of some, outstripped by Juvenal. But the works of the ancient satirists are of in- terest mainly to scholars, and cannot be included in a collection destined for a popular audience. The present volume, therefore, is largely made up from the products of more recent centuries. From the times of Horace and Juvenal, down through the mediaeval ages to the present day, satires may be divided into the two classes founded by the two great masters: the work of Horace's followers marked by humour and tolerance, that of Juvenal's imitators by bitter invective. On the one side, the years have arrayed such names as Chaucer, Swift, Goldsmith, and Thackeray; on the other, Langland, Dryden, Pope, and Burns. A scholarly gentleman of our own day classifies Introduction satires in three main divisions : those directed at society, those which ridicule political conditions, and those aimed at individual characters. These variations of the art of satire form a fas- cinating study, and to one interested in the subject, this small collection of representative satires can be merely a ser es of guide-posts. It is the compiler's regret that a great mass of material is necessarily omitted for lack of space; other selections are discarded because of their pres- ent untimeliness, which deprives them of their in- trinsic interest. But an endeavour has been made to represent the greatest and best satiric writers, and also to include at least extracts from the master- pieces of satire. It is often asked why we have no satire at the present day. Many answers have been given, but one reason is doubtless to be found in the accelera- tion of the pace of life; fads and foibles follow one another so quickly, that we have time neither to write nor read satiric disquisitions upon them. Another reason lies in the fact that we have achieved a broader and more tolerant human out- look. Again, the true satirist must be possessed of ear- nestness and sincerity. And it is a question whether the mental atmosphere of the twentieth century tends to stimulate and foster those qualities, [xxi] A Satire Anthology These explanations, however, seem to apply to American writers more especially than to English. The leisurely thinking Briton, with his more per- sonal viewpoint, has produced, and is even now producing, satires marked by strength, honesty, and literary value. But America is not entirely unrepresented. The work of James Russell Lowell cannot suffer by comparison with that of any contemporary English author; and, though now forgotten because depend- ent on local and timely interest, many political satires written by Americans during the early part of the nineteenth century show clever and ingenious work founded on a comprehensive knowledge of the truth. Yet, though the immediate present is not produc- ing masterpieces of satire, the lack is partially made up by the large quantity of really meritorious work that is being done in a satirical vein. In this coun- try and in England are young and middle-aged writers who show evidences of satiric power, which, though it does not make for fame and glory, is yet not without its value. A SATIRE ANTHOLOGY Satire Anthology CHORUS OF WOMEN (From the " Thesmophortazus