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 JTilE 
 
 OR, 
 
 pta^ims of Wiit Hargosse, 
 
 COLLECTED AND DIGESTED BY 
 
 WITH ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 U-aiiQaix : 
 i^flto first iJubUjSI)cti from tije ortsinal iH#. fiy 
 
 IN PATERNOSTER ROW, NEAR UNTO THE CATHEDRAL 
 CHURCH OF ST. PAUL. 
 
 mitcctyl.
 
 m^n foUoluetf) 
 
 The Comical Historie of Kit Largosse : shew- 
 ing hoiv Dame Fortune smiled upon him ; raising 
 liim from beggary and starvation unto plenty and 
 fatnesse ; wondrously verifying the old trite adage : 
 
 <Sitic a JHitu UicR iiuK tljvotu Ijtm into tTjc ^cn ; 
 
 Containing divers witty sayings and quaint maxims ; 
 demonstrating that neither exalted birth nor the 
 learning of the schools be necessary to the poS' 
 session of common sense and quicknesse of parts. 
 
 Iniprintefi by Vizbteliy 8c Co. in Fleet Street.
 
 r6^2 Ji 
 
 (©f ijts i5ivti) anti parentage. 
 
 OURTEOUS READER 
 
 Although that right 
 f1'°" witty and mirthful soul, 
 ^ '4^ Christopher, or by com- 
 Np^IJo- mon Kit Largosse (with 
 '4\ f^(i§V whom I shall hereinafter 
 make thee better acquainted), had no pedigree 
 bedizened and emblazoned on sheep-skin, or 
 branching tree of genealogie depicturing the 
 
 737031
 
 clivers fruits produced by and growing out of 
 matrimoniall engraftings, yet it grieved him not 
 that he could not in this wise shewe his qua- 
 litie : for many and many did he know, which 
 owning tliese same trees genealogicall (of which 
 they did vaunt so lustily), who had neither stick 
 nor stock, and, may be, knew not their grand- 
 fathers, or, knowing, were well pleased to forget 
 them, considerately becoming their own god- 
 fathers and giving them new names. 
 
 It was no reproach that he was born and 
 bred in poverty. Of his ancestors he was en- 
 tirely ignorant ; and there were only two things 
 whereunto he could vouch with certainty. Im- 
 primis, that he was born ; and, secondly, that 
 he had a mother ; but who his father was, he 
 had not vanity to set himself up as wise enow 
 to name ; the more especially, as his mother 
 had frequently averred she likewise had lier 
 doubts on that particular point.
 
 ©f ijis person anH pursuits. 
 
 He had a marvellously good-humoured coun- 
 tenance, and his mouth — rather wider than the 
 common — was ever curling with smiling plea- 
 santry and conceit ; promising fairly what his 
 tongue was in no means backward in performing. 
 Living on charity — begging being his vocation — 
 it is not to be supposed that he gained a great 
 deal. In sooth, he was too idle in his nature to 
 use much importunity ; and, so that he could live 
 without labour and crack his jokes, he seemed 
 content, how hardly soever he might fare for his 
 laziness. 
 
 i^is Oloil toitlj an ©ffirci: of tf)t atttg. 
 
 Largosse was once amusing himself with the 
 small game of chuck-fartliing, in a court in the 
 ward of Cripplegate, and exulting, like a crow- 
 
 B
 
 ing cock, over his gains, when lo! and behold, 
 there arrived an officer of tlie same ward, one 
 Nicholas Ewins, a round, burly, little man; an 
 officious, piddling fellow, that liked mightily to 
 shew his authority, wheresoever he thought he 
 could tyrannise ; and, casting a stern, black look 
 at the whole crew, he growled out his displea- 
 sure, and laid his staff athwart Kit's shoulders, 
 that liked it not, by reason they were nearly bare 
 — his wardrobe being miserably scant. 
 
 "That's no play," quoth Largosse, rubbing 
 his shoulders. 
 
 " Play ? — a pize on thee, thou sawcie varlet," 
 responded the officer. " Thinkest thou I come 
 hither to play with thee? Hence, thou tatter- 
 demallion, and hold thy peace." 
 
 " Strike a cur, he will yell ; nay, but an 
 empty tun, and it will complain in a hollow 
 voice; and shall not I, that have feeling, grum- 
 ble a little forsooth ? Who, that looketh on that 
 well-fed, goodly paunch of thine, would not hold 
 thee for a man o' bowells ?"
 
 Thereupon the bystanders, that were many, 
 did laugh lustily at this bold address, making the 
 choler of the officer to rise, so that he was nigh 
 choking, and he began hotly to breathe out abuses 
 against Kit Largosse : " Thou ragged ruffian ; 
 thou cur ; thou gabberlunzie ; thou crawling beg- 
 gar ; wilt thou dare change words with me ?" 
 
 " Nay, not I, for they be not good enow for 
 a beggrar's mouth!" 
 
 " Villain ! Dost thou know me ?" 
 
 " Know thee ? — Who knows not Master Ni- 
 cholas Ewins, the Deputy, the great Deputy ; the 
 gormandising Deputy ; the capacious Deputy, that 
 last Lammass ate a whole dish of stewed eels at 
 one sitting, the belly of a peacock and the back 
 of a coney, and divers other dainties to fill up the 
 crooks and crannies of his internals!" This was 
 followed by such an astounding burst of merri- 
 ment as well nigh overthrew the Deputy, who did 
 of a verity tremble and quake with consuming 
 rage; and, moreover, seeing that the people did 
 take heart and part with the witty beggar.
 
 8 
 
 '* Good Lord!" quoth IMaster Nicholas Evvins, 
 " will no man of his grace's liege subjects lend 
 me a hand to seize this sawcie vagrant? Shall I 
 stand insulted and reviled ; I, Nicholas Ewins, a 
 member of the corporation ?" 
 
 " In God's name ! worthy Master Deputy 
 Nicholas Ewins, mock not our senses, by calling 
 thyself a member of the corporation ; for truly, in 
 our eyes, thou seemest like unto the corporation 
 itself, while all others are but as the members 
 thereof." Again and again, and louder the laugh 
 ran against Master Nicholas Ewins, who did be- 
 come as red as a cardinal's hat with rage ; and 
 the little man would certainly have splitten with 
 unrevenged spite, had not a constable, an under- 
 strapper of his, come up in the very nick of time, 
 and, by command of his incensed master, taken 
 charge of the grinning delinquent, bearing him 
 away to the Mayor's to make his complaint. 
 
 " Heyday!" quoth the ]\Iayor, when they had 
 come before him ; " what hath troubled our good 
 Master Deputy Ewins ?"
 
 9 
 
 Whereupon, Master Ewins hastily replied, with 
 much chafe, " I — you — the corporation, nay, the 
 whole City itself, hath, in my person, been in- 
 sulted by this bold-faced vagrant." 
 
 The Mayor, casting a scrutinising glance at Kit 
 Largosse, said, " So, so ; we must not allow any 
 offences, be they against ourselves or our officers, 
 to pass unpunished, I pray thee, therefore, relate 
 succinctly and distinctly. Master Deputy, wherein 
 this young man hath done thee wrong." 
 
 "Why, your worship, he hath abused, reviled, 
 and mocked me in the public streets ; causing me, 
 by his lewd jests, to be derided and laughed at 
 by the mob : — such usage is not to be borne." 
 
 Notwithstanding the warmth and vehemence 
 of the Deputy's charge, the INIayor was too well 
 acquaint with his petty, peppery, querulous dis- 
 position to be much moved thereat. 
 
 Albeit he was a stern, hard-favoured mortal, 
 his heart was full of kindness and charity — as all 
 that did know him can veritably testify; — so he 
 turned to the culprit, who stood calmly and
 
 10 
 
 steadily eyeing the Deputy, and addressed him, 
 saying, " Dost thou hear the charge which this 
 gentleman, and eke an officer of this city, 
 hath preferred against thee ? Say, wherefore 
 shall 1 not inflict a punishment due to such an 
 offence?" 
 
 " The offence, so please you, worthy sir, was 
 his ; seeing that he struck me without love or 
 ceremony — with such a will as he would kick a 
 bandy-legged turnspit, had he not the gout in 
 his toe ; whereas mine was a defence, which, so 
 help me, could neither bruise his honour, nor 
 his honour's carkase, by reason I gave but only 
 words for blows. I would rather lose mine hand 
 than lay a finger on an officer of this good city, 
 or I do hold its badge and livery in utter- 
 most respect, more so than those that do oft- 
 times bear it." 
 
 Now, the Mayor was not a whit displeased at 
 the boldness of this defence, but, contrawise, felt 
 delight at Kit's openness ; but he interrupted him 
 by saying, " Thou speakest boldly."
 
 11 
 
 To which Kit replied, with humility, " If so 
 be truth be boldness, honoured sir, I am guilty ; 
 yet, I trust, it will do me no harm in thy just 
 opinion." 
 
 The Mayor kindly answered, *' In nowise 
 shall it. Say on, and freely, in thy defence. 
 
 And Kit continued : " That I have abused 
 this officer is not true. He hath the rather 
 abused me, and his office, too, in raising his 
 hand against me. He forgot himself ; is it won- 
 drous, then, that a cur, a gabberlunzie, a crawl- 
 ing beggar (as he did chuse to call me), should 
 forget him and his dignity too ? He struck me — 
 I murmured, and he was offended and afeard ; 
 like unto an untoward child, which, having slily 
 stricken a drum, is afrighted at the sound thereof." 
 
 There was no one in the court, save and 
 except the angry Deputy, that did not smile at 
 Kit's defence ; the while Master Nicholas Ewins 
 did knit his brows, and bite his lips with 
 pure vexation, to hear himself so handled by a 
 beggar.
 
 12 
 
 The ]\Iayor, howsoever (the more for the 
 honour of the City, than the greatness of the 
 offence), did order that Kit Largosse should be 
 confined for a whole fortnight; whereat Master 
 Deputy Nicholas Ewins exhibited no little joy. 
 
 Albeit, in the end, this proved a great piece 
 of good fortune to Kit ; for the Mayor was so 
 vastly pleased with his witty manner, that he 
 took proper care his confinement should not bear 
 hard upon him ; and, when the time of his du- 
 rance was run out, the Mayor sent for him to 
 his house, and said to him, " Largosse, the term 
 of thine imprisonment is at an end. I have 
 called thee before mc, in order to give thee thy 
 discharge, and offer thee service. Hast thou the 
 will, as thou hast the strength to work ? " 
 
 " No, so please your worship, labour liketh 
 me not; a bone is sweeter at a gift than a joint 
 o'meat for work !" 
 
 " Idleness, thou knowest, is the father of 
 Mischief, if not of Vice ; while Industry bringeth 
 unto man both riches and respect."
 
 13 
 
 " For riches, I care not, your worship, for, 
 truly, I find abundance in my poverty ; while I 
 mark others most poor in their abundance. I 
 have liberty, too, as much as any bird of the air, 
 and the green trees and sunny fields are more 
 joyous to me than a cage — albeit the wires there- 
 of be gold, with fair hands to feed me with 
 sweetmeats and confections withall. Yet would 
 I freely labour to win thy good opinion for thy 
 very kindness ; I can only give thee mine heartily, 
 and grieve it were nothing worth. A beggar's 
 blessing (saving your presence) is not worth a 
 dog's acceptance." 
 
 The Mayor smiled, saying, " Well, follow the 
 bent of thine humour, thy prison-doors are open, 
 so go forth, and here is a mark for thy fortune." 
 
 Largosse took the money in silence, and was 
 evidently moved at the Mayor's bounty. He 
 turned the piece over and over, and, after a mo- 
 ment's reflection, said unto the Mayor, " My 
 palm is as great a stranger to the touch of such 
 good coin, as my ears or my heart be to such
 
 14 
 
 good words and good deeds as your worship hath 
 tendered me. What wouldest thou have me do; 
 say, that I may not wend away untliankfully with 
 the weighty favours thou hast bestowed on me — 
 hke a sneaking cur from a kitchen, that hath 
 feasted at the cook's cost ? " 
 
 This sudden change, which arose assuredly 
 oiit of pure gratitude, gave passing pleasure unto 
 the Mayor, who kindly answered, " Why, truly, 
 Largosse, I would offer thee food and raiment, 
 and at a cheaper rate, too, than thy vocation can 
 win them. Hark ye me ! My Lord of Misrule is 
 lately deceased ; and, finding in thee both wit 
 and whim withall, I intended to offer thee his cap 
 and lath, and install thee in all his prerogatives." 
 
 Hereupon Largosse, with great glee, rubbed 
 his hands together, and capered like one beside 
 himself, exclaiming, " Marry, your worship, but, 
 that cap fits to a wrinkle ! The cap of liberty ! 
 Beseech your worship, install me presently ; not 
 a king's pate in Christendom ever itched more for 
 a crown than mine for such a cap ! "
 
 JLavsa^^c tn^talTcif in (BfRtt,
 
 15 
 
 *' Then thou art willing ? " said the ^layor, 
 laughing at the extravagance of his joy. 
 
 " Willing, quotha ! " cried Largosse, I were 
 not wise, were I otherwise, or in anywise to 
 eschew this offer. With my cap and bells I shall 
 be as merry among my fellows as Bow Steeple 
 'mong the houses of Cockayne on a holiday. For- 
 tune hath knocked me to and fro, like a shuttle- 
 cock, for many a day; and now, lo ! and behold, 
 with the hardest knock she ever gave me (and 
 whereat, like a blind mortal, I complained), she 
 hath pitched me willy-nilly up to the neck in 
 luck ! " 
 
 And a vast deal more did he utter in this 
 strain, to the delight of the Mayor, who forth- 
 with took him into his service, and ordered him 
 befitting apparel for his new oflice. 
 
 A few hours worked such a transformation in 
 his personal appearance, that, when he presented 
 himself to the Mayor, his patron scarcely re- 
 cognised the tattered beggar in the truly good- 
 humoured and handsome face and figure of his
 
 16 
 
 newly-elected Lord of Misrule. Nor was the 
 rest of the household less gratified with the new 
 inmate ; his wit, fancy, and good-fellowship soon 
 won hira the hearts of all. 
 
 "By my fay ! Kit," said the Mayor, " thou 
 bearest thine honours as well as if thou haddest 
 been bred and born a fool." 
 
 " Your worship is not far off the mark in that 
 remark," replied Largosse, " for I do remember 
 my mother's saying that, in the self-same apart- 
 ment (the which they vulgarly called a shed) 
 wherein I first saw the light, and eke, at the same 
 hour, a young ass and a calf were likewise born 
 unto their respective mothers, which the old 
 crones and gossips twisted into a marvellous 
 omen. But now the secret's out; Nature there- 
 by certainly intended me for a fool — and a fool 
 I am in all points. Albeit I feel, at present, like 
 a young colt in new harness, I doubt not, time 
 (who reapeth the sconces of old men, to supply 
 the smooth chins of young ones) will presently 
 fit the trunk-hose to the calf."
 
 17 
 
 The Mayor, on his part, appeared not at all 
 displeased with his share in the random bargain 
 they had made, and, scrutinising him whiles he 
 spake, said, " In verity, Largosse, methinks there 
 be not one of the mendicant crew that would 
 know thee." 
 
 " They must be wiser than I give them credit 
 for, an they do," replied Largosse; "nay, mine 
 own mother (whose soul heaven assoil !), I verily 
 believe, could not swear to her own brat ; and, 
 when the cat forgets the kitten she hath licked 
 (how oft hath my mother licked me !), who shall 
 know it? But, albeit the serpent hath cast its 
 slough, and the old sword (so to say) is sheathed 
 in a new scabbard, I trust your worship will 
 always find the blade of the same temper." 
 
 The truth whereof was most admirably veri- 
 fied in the future good conduct and humility of 
 Largosse, who was, in truth, too much of a 
 philosopher at heart and in disposition ever to 
 forget his former condition ; or to crow, vaunt- 
 ingly, over the dainty morsel which good fortune.
 
 18 
 
 rather than his own seeking, had thrown in his 
 path. He, who had been so content to fare on 
 a little, felt not his appetite increase with feed- 
 ing ; but, on the contrary, out of his present 
 abundance he reaped the greatest pleasure in 
 supplying the wants and necessities of the needy. 
 Good-humour and content were in him shin- 
 ing virtues ; and — unlike those beggars, of whom 
 it is proverbially said, when set on horseback, will 
 ride to the devil — his prudence and good sense, 
 taking the reins in hand, did bid fair and pro- 
 misingly to conduct him, by a pleasant journey, 
 to the holy land. His heart, wherein dwelt 
 no guile, was like an open book, wherein his 
 thoughts were written in a language and cha- 
 racter legible to all. 
 
 i^is J^lecttng iiiiti) i)is olti arpamtance, 
 
 Malice was never harboured in his breast — nay, 
 not even against those who had most injured him ;
 
 19 
 
 and he would ofttimes avow, that the sweetest 
 revenge on an enemy was to do him a service in 
 liis need. For thereby two things were proved : 
 that, not only wert thou superior to him in might, 
 but superior to the despicable exercise of that 
 spite which ever delighteth to put its cloven foot 
 on the neck of a fallen enemy. 
 
 In proof of this feeling, when he encountered 
 Master Nicholas Ewins at the Mayor's table, a few 
 days after he had attained to his preferment, he 
 went straightway up to the Deputy (who, behold, 
 knoweth him not, by reason of his marvellous me- 
 tamorphosis), and, fiUing a maple cup with Canary 
 wine, pledged him, making him a handsome com- 
 pliment ; whereat the little officious Deputy was 
 mightily pleased, and rose to thank him in set 
 terms, to the great entertainment of the Mayor ; 
 and concluding his speech by modestly asserting 
 how flattered he was, being a stranger (as he 
 thought) to the Lord of Misrule, by such a mark 
 of pohteness. Kit turned short upon him, saying, 
 *' By my cap and bells, Mr. Deputy, but thou
 
 20 
 
 doest me a grievous wrong in disclaiming our 
 acquaintanceship : we have changed comphments 
 before." 
 
 " How so ?" said Nicholas. 
 " Why, 't is not many weeks bygone, Mr. 
 Deputy, since thou didst pay me a compliment — 
 on the breadth of my back — and eke vdth thy 
 staff too ! Dost thou not remember the gabber- 
 lunzie Largosse ? ha ! Nay, by my sword of lath 
 'tis true. No wonder thine eyes grow round with 
 amaze ; but his worship, my worthy master, will 
 testify that I — this butterfly, have sprung from 
 me — that grub !" 
 
 The ruddy and rotund visage of Master 
 Ewins grew redder and redder every moment, 
 and when he really recognised his old acquaint- 
 ance, his confusion cannot be described. 
 
 The merriment of the Mayor, and his guests, 
 too, added to the dilemma wherein he found him- 
 self so unexpectedly. Largosse, who saw how 
 awkwardly the discovery sat upon him, generously 
 extricated him, saying, " I hope, Mr. Deputy,
 
 21 
 
 thou wilt think no more of this ; for my part, 
 I look back with pleasure thereon, seeing that 
 thereout arose my dignity. For which I owe 
 thee many thanks : nay, that drubbing was unto 
 me like the dubbing to a knight, for I have 
 risen from it to a higher state." And here- 
 upon offering his hand to the Deputy, he took 
 it most cordially, and they drank together, and 
 were speedily reconciled. 
 
 Observing upon his unexpected good-luck, 
 he likened liimself unto the boy's ball, the which 
 crossing the path of a fractious man, he attempted 
 to kick it away despitefully, when lo ! it fell into 
 a pan of treacle which was standing by ; to the 
 boy's delight (who licked off the treacle) and the 
 man's cost (who paid for it). 
 
 His grace the King having intimated his royal 
 intention to honour the Mayor of the City with 
 
 c
 
 22 
 
 a visit, there was a great preparation made for 
 his entertainment at the Guildhall. 
 
 Cooks, haberdashers, naperers, and divers 
 others of the like crafts, who employ their skill 
 in the service of luxury, were all in requisition. 
 
 All was speedily prepared and ready, even 
 unto the table speeches of the prominent men 
 of the Guild, who expected to be honoured by 
 his grace's notice. 
 
 The ladies of the aldermen and the common 
 council almost exhausted the patience of their 
 milleners and the bourses of their obliging and 
 obsequious spouses, that they might appear with 
 becoming splendour on the occasion ; the ma- 
 trons striving to appear as maidenly, and the 
 teen maidens as matronly, as art could render 
 them. 
 
 The long-expected hour at last arrived ; and 
 the civic procession began. Lords and ladies, as 
 stiff as new dresses and broderie could render 
 them, and all in buckle, came as thick and as 
 gay as butterflies on a summer's day.
 
 23 
 
 Howsomever, as it were as difficult — nay, 
 almost impossible — to describe, particularly, the 
 different occurrences at a crowded feast, as the 
 various feats of offence and defence in a battle 
 or siege ; I shall, as more befitting this biogra- 
 phicall historie, confine myself, like an epic poet, 
 more especially to the conduct of my hero, hum- 
 ble as he be. 
 
 Largosse then, be it known, was in nowise 
 cast in the shade by his betters ; for the Mayor, 
 with whom he had more than ever ingratiated 
 himself, spared no expense in furnishing him 
 forth in that gear which befitted his calling, so 
 that he was the very Fool of fools ; and not even 
 the King his Jester himself, with all his courtly 
 apparel, could of a possibility mock at this 
 humble member of his whimsical fraternity, in 
 respect of his outward bearing. 
 
 The encounter of these disciples of Momus 
 was ridiculously solemn. " By mine ears ! " quoth 
 the King his Jester, formally embracing Kit, " I 
 am right glad to enfold the witty Cit and City
 
 24 
 
 wit. Long mayest thou crow the cock of Cock- 
 ayne ! May thy wit never halt, and tliy every 
 bolt hit the bull's-eye!" 
 
 To which Kit answered, saying gravely, " Gra- 
 mercy ! and welcome, brother of the lath and 
 bells ! And may thy wit ever sparkle as bright 
 as a green log, even until thou burnest down to 
 the gray embers of old age, and mayest thou die 
 as full of time and sage as a roasted gosling." 
 
 Having thus greeted each other, in a sort, 
 after the manner of their lords, they forthwith 
 took their appointed stations near unto the King, 
 causing much merriment in their immediate circle 
 by their whimsical sallies. 
 
 One Ambrose Lutton, a vs^ealthy citizen, in 
 tlie loyalty of his heart, magnified and brought to 
 maturity by the royal visitor's gracious presence, 
 after many had voluntarily offered considerable 
 sums for the King's exigencies in the carrying on 
 of the projected war with France, did munificently 
 pray his grace to accept of a regiment which he 
 promised to equip, at all points, at his own in-
 
 dividual cost and charges, the which the King 
 (as may be supposed), not only gladly vouchsafed 
 to honour by his acceptance, but likewise con- 
 ferred on the merchant the honour of knight- 
 hood. A fair exchange of enviable rank and title 
 (the which he could well support) for a portion 
 of worldly gain (the which he could the no less 
 well afford). 
 
 So hath wealth ofttimes, in a manner, the 
 same virtue as valour, in gaining the possessor 
 thereof advancement, as hath been instanced in 
 many men of this our city, who have verily pro- 
 gressed as rapidly in the career of ambition with 
 the caduceus (the emblem of commerce), as others 
 with the mace and faulchion ! 
 
 The King his Jester, marking well the fruits 
 which sprang out of this loyal act, presently 
 cutteth out the core of a pippin, and, presenting 
 it to his grace, said, " May it please your grace 
 to accept from an humble subject, not a regiment 
 (for I could easier raise a laugh than a regiment), 
 but a whole core!"
 
 26 
 
 Whereat the King laughed, and (of course) all 
 who heard and saw him joined in the merriment. 
 
 Largosse, not to be backward in loyalty or 
 gibe at such a moment, cracked a nut, and pick- 
 ing out the kernel thereof, said modestly unto 
 the King, " As my brother's core may lack a 
 leader, will it please your grace to accept a ker- 
 nel f At which conceit, the mirth was redoubled, 
 the King paying many compliments to the Mayor 
 on the ready wit of his Fool. 
 
 An alderman begging Kit to put up a pye 
 or somewhat that needed not the skill of carving, 
 Largosse straightway brought him a calfs head. 
 
 " Thou fool," quo' the alderman, " did I not 
 bid thee bring to hand a dish that required no 
 carvmg : 
 
 " Ay, marry," responded Kit, " and have I 
 not brought thee a calfs head, which, being here, 
 must perforce be calved already ; for, had not the 
 cow calved it, so would not the calf have appeared 
 at this royal feast?" And on another occasion 
 observed, " That Norfoike was famous for turkeys ;
 
 27 
 
 yet was Norfulke the only place were turkeys were 
 not turkeys, for there they were — bred !" 
 
 Hcirgossc ^is (Eounscll to tf)c iHapor fjts ^on. 
 
 The eldest son of the Mayor being about to set 
 forth on foreign travel, with a learned man, his 
 tutor, the Mayor took upon him before his de- 
 parture, to administer some sage advice for his 
 conduct. 
 
 Largosse, being present, followed the son upon 
 his leaving the close tt, and, plucking him by the 
 sleeve of his doublett, did seriously bespeak his 
 attention to what he would proffer in the way of 
 counsell. 
 
 " Well Kit," quo' the son, smiling, " say thy 
 say ; and, as time is precious, let it be brief." 
 
 " Nay," answered Largosse, " I will be as 
 short as a cobbler's awl, and eke as pointed. 
 Master Gregory ; and albeit thy worthy sire hath 
 given thee morality enow to make a monk, I
 
 28 
 
 would cast my mite into the heap. A thread 
 and needle, Master Gregory, may serve a travel- 
 ler's turn, at times, as well as a hatchett." 
 
 "By'r lady, if thou goest on at this rate, 
 Largosse, thy thread will be waxed even unto a 
 skaine — prythee, unravell it quickly." 
 
 " There it is now," cried Kit. " This very 
 suddenness is a defect that thrusteth blind youth 
 into the very jaws of difficulty. Listen patiently 
 unto the voice of experience. Never be too ready 
 to draw thy rapier, lest thou cut a friend — e'en 
 against a foe it is folly — for thou mayest chance 
 to make two of one." 
 
 " But a gentleman must not put up with 
 affronts!" said Master Gregory. 
 
 " Not so : if a man offend thee grievously, 
 bear it with Christian fortitude and forbearance — 
 that is, if thine enemy be the stronger of the 
 twain ; but, can'st thou crow over him with 
 impunity, marry, sirs, scruple not to kick him 
 soundly ! — to the breech, boldly, like a soldier in 
 a siege. In the second place, drink not deeply;
 
 29 
 
 for, albeit it may be at another's expense, it is at 
 thy cost, the receipts whereof be a red nozzle, 
 pale visage, and a gouty toe ! jMoreover, fall not 
 in love by lamplight, or moonlight, for they be 
 both marvellous liars in the service of beauty. 
 Your bright glow-w^orms do ofttimes prove meer 
 grubs by daylight ! Play neither at shuffle-board, 
 nor pitch and toss; for if thou beest the better 
 player, they be fools that play thee ; if the worser, 
 they be knaves and fools ; and knaves be not fit- 
 ting company for a gentleman. Observe these four 
 rules respecting play, wine, women, and quarrells, 
 and thou shalt return with a whole doublett, and 
 in good health ; but shouldest thou, maugre my 
 good advice, run counter thereto, thou wilt, of a 
 surety, return out at elbows, and be as unsound 
 as a stale onion, making all eyes that look upon 
 thee weep!"
 
 30 
 
 When one man ofFereth another liis hand, let him 
 take it ; there is no harm in taking a man's hand ; 
 he would be a sowre churl to thrust it aside. But 
 if this be done over the bowl or at board, and in 
 the giving thereof a thousand fat and fair promises 
 accompany it, beware thou place no reliance there- 
 in. For when a man offereth thee that which is 
 of no value to thee in prosperity, he is likely to 
 do the same when thou art in need I 
 
 I knew a wealthy youth, who prided himself 
 in the possession of one true and honest friend ; 
 he had tried him ; he knew that he would die to 
 serve him. He had never demanded the slightest 
 favour of him during the whole course of their 
 acquaintance. And was not such a man worthy to 
 share his confidence, his board, his purse ? He 
 became his pride, his boast, and the people likened 
 them to Damon and Pythias ; and they 'ycleped
 
 31 
 
 this honest, worthy, disinterested friend, his in- 
 separable, his reflexion, his shadow ; and in this 
 latter they judged truly. But shadows are only 
 seen in the sunshine, and lo! when the youth's 
 fortunes were obscured, and the sun of his pros- 
 perity was clouded, his shadow vanished ! 
 
 If friends did beget vanity, I should be blown 
 up like a bladder; seeing I have such abundance 
 within the walls of Cockayne. Not long agone I 
 was wont to walk the streets without beck or call ; 
 because, forsooth, no one chose to know such a 
 lean, poverty-stricken devil. I was as ragged as 
 a stray colt; and no honest soul could recognise 
 me, having the misfortune, like Bobbie's white 
 mare, to have no marks about me. But Fortune 
 hath now kindly bestowed on me such particular 
 marks of her favour, that my good friends can 
 never pass me ; one slaps me on the shoulder, 
 and vows he knew me by my gait ; another claims 
 acquaintance with the fitness and gentility of my 
 garb ; and yet another swears by his beard that 
 he could not by a possibility mistake my good-
 
 32 
 
 looking face ! and others, whom I have hereto- 
 fore known to be as short and as sharp as a 
 bodkin in their converse — meting out their cool 
 words by the syllable — now stop me in the pub- 
 lick way, and, lolling on their walking-staves, 
 grow mightily loquacious, stuffing mine ears with 
 dainty and familiar words — and this is the world ! 
 
 dFrom (Booti sometimrs romctfj (SbiL 
 
 Walking one sunshiny day in Finsburie Fields, 
 with Sir John Pawlett, the facetious knight did 
 remark to Kit, " It was strange the gaiety and 
 warmth of the sun, which tempted the rich and 
 the well-apparelled and the beautiful to display 
 their charms and their span new habiliments, 
 should likewise draw forth the low, mean, and 
 dirty rabble ; the which was like unto an evil 
 arising from a good cause." 
 
 "True," responded Kit, "and I have ofttimes 
 remarked it, that the same glorious sun which
 
 33 
 
 causeth the fairest flowers to bloom, doth ever 
 procreate millions of vermin — like unto the smiles 
 of great men, which giveth joy to one, and 
 breedeth envy in another ; and so is all earthy 
 good wisely alloyed ; or, being otherwise, this 
 earth would be so heavenly, that men would be- 
 think them of no other heaven !" 
 
 The people of a kingdome, he would say, is 
 composed of three kinds : the high, the low, and 
 the middling. Now the two extreames, high and 
 low, albeit they have fewer cares (the high being 
 rich and above want, and the low having nothing 
 to lose), yet are they the most liable to the 
 changes of fortune. While, in truth, the mid- 
 dling do appear to me like the nave of a great 
 wheel (Fortune's, if thou wilt so define it), the 
 high and low being placed in juxta-position at the 
 extremities thereof ; now, therefore, howsoever
 
 34 
 
 this be revolved, whether the high fall, or the 
 low rise, the nave still keepeth its position, al- 
 though it be moved. 
 
 m t)is :iofec tDitf) tf^t or^urcijman. 
 
 It chanced, upon a day, that a certain church- 
 man said unto Kit Largosse that he was about 
 to put up prayers to heaven for rain ; seeing how 
 lamentably the pastures were scorched and dried 
 up by the summer heats. 
 
 "Friend," said the fool, "thou haddest better 
 petition his grace." 
 
 " In sooth, but that would be a dolt's errand," 
 responded the churchman. 
 
 " Nay, not so, neither," continued Kit ; " I 
 will prove it both wise and loyal." 
 
 " In truth !— how so ?" 
 
 " Why, if so be thou wantest rain, reverend 
 sir, can'st thou do better, pray, than pray the 
 reigniiig King to give it thee ?"
 
 35 
 
 A Citizen having received a present of a hare 
 from a friend in the New Forrest, seemed not 
 mightily pleased with it, but in lieu thereof, com- 
 plained that the charges given for its conveyance 
 was more than the worth of the same ; and Kit, 
 who was by, did humourously observe. That all 
 gifts and tokens were esteemed precious, and, by 
 reasons thereof, were dear. " A poor man, now," 
 said he, " is seldom or never troubled with gifts ; 
 your generous donors seeing, forsooth, no chance 
 of a return ; for there are those that bestow pre- 
 sents as men sow seeds, in the hope and benefit 
 of a good harvest." 
 
 W^ f est on ttc 15afit)ler. 
 
 The Mayor, from motives of policy, and not 
 from any love he entertained for his society, did
 
 36 
 
 invite Sir Gervase Tucker to dine with him. This 
 same knight, who inherited a large fortune from 
 his father, was a man of considerable weight in 
 the City — not in the council — albeit he was a 
 member thereof, representing his own ward. His 
 vapid garrulity was a proverbe among the citi- 
 zens ; and, unfortunately, he had a notion that he 
 was a man of wit. His whole stock of this rare 
 and precious commodity, however, consisted in 
 the relation of one story. But his ingenuity was 
 of a truth extraordinary; for, whatsoever might 
 be the texture of the conversation, he generally 
 contrived to interweave his threadbare narrative 
 therein. 
 
 "A compleat ass!" said the Mayor, with a sigh. 
 
 " Nay, a most imperfect one," responded 
 Kit ; " for, albeit he can boast a long tale, he is 
 continually in search of a pair of ears, the which 
 finding, he can never retain." 
 
 *' An he begin his story, and fix upon me," 
 said the Mayor, " I shall certes die under the 
 infliction of his grimace and gesticulation."
 
 37 
 
 " Proud death !" exclaimed Largosse ; ** for 
 thou wilt then truly die the death of Adonis, 
 being killed by a — bore!" 
 
 One Simon Moulsey was bewailing his losses at 
 play. "Five hundred marks," said he, "were in 
 this bourse last Martinmass, and not a coin is there 
 left, by the beard of St. Peter ! Yet, twice have 
 I doubled my capital in that time, and lost all 
 again." 
 
 " Then art thou a marvellously clever fel- 
 low, Master Moulsey," said Kit, " for thou hast 
 lost and won, and yet hast made a loss a-gain /" 
 
 A Friend of Kit's, meeting him after a long 
 absence, did accost him thus, saying, " By my
 
 38 
 
 troth ! but thou hast grown quite out of know 
 ledge, friend Largosse." 
 
 " True ; for have I not become a fool i albeit 
 I am not the first man whose wit hath made a 
 fool of him." 
 
 '* Nay, I mean thou hast increased in ca- 
 pacity and bulk." 
 
 " Ay ; is there not a vast difference ? Who 
 that knew the lean beggar, the walking-staff, poor 
 skin-and-bone, whose nose and chin were as sharp 
 as his wit or his appetite, could claim acquaint- 
 ance with me now — the little beggar grown into 
 a great fool?" 
 
 " Doubtless, thou hast little else to do than 
 eat, drink, jibe, and laugh !" 
 
 " Have I not ? I labour hard in my vocation. 
 I preach, moralise, and shew, in my practice and 
 my person, the fruits of living well. And when- 
 soever folks talk of my rotundity and fatness, I 
 remember how little I once was, and bless the 
 Mayor, my master, who hath, by his bounty, 
 made so much of me !"
 
 39 
 
 ?^i0 Staging of iHatrimonB. 
 
 It is said that a goode wife is a crown to her 
 husband. For mine own part, I desire not such 
 a coronation ; a crowned head is ever full of cares. 
 Albeit, were I so inclined, where, I ask, should 
 I find such an one? Good wives, in truth, may 
 be crowns, but I verily believe they be as rare. 
 We cannot all be kings ; though God wot there 
 be queans enow in the world. 
 
 Cfje (Eookc's Son. 
 
 One Pierre Didot, a Frenchman, was cooke to 
 the Mayor, and, marrying the scullion — who, al- 
 beit mean in office, was a comely wench to view 
 — in the due course of time this wife did bring 
 him a son. The joy of Didot cost him the 
 matter of a mark or twain ; and there was, as 
 may be supposed, no lack of sops in the pan
 
 40 
 
 and tid-bits for the gossips who came to com- 
 pliment the cooke ; coming thither with empty 
 praises, and returning with full bellies. One of 
 these same, dandling this scion of a cooke in her 
 arms, held him out to Kit, saying, " Is it not 
 a chick worth a whole brood ? Mark how it 
 crows ! Is it not marvellously like unto the fa- 
 ther ?" 
 
 " Ay, truly, the brat is like," replied Kit ; 
 " and being so, so may the cooke's son be said 
 to be the sjoit of his father." 
 
 C^f VanlUv, 
 
 It came to pass on a certain holiday, in the 
 month of January, that there assembled a motley 
 multitude of 'prentices, mechanics, and crafts- 
 men, in the broad fields adjoining unto Clerken- 
 well, where there were enacted many athletick 
 disports and passtimes of quoiting, pitching the 
 bar, wrestling, foot-races, and the like; and
 
 41 
 
 among other feats done that day, there was one 
 that did surpass all the others in the wonderful! 
 agility thereof, the which was this : one Nicholas 
 Greene, a weaver, did offer in defiance, a broad 
 piece of silver that he would vault over a bar 
 two feet higher than any there ; whereupon the 
 ambition of many skilled therein were put upon 
 their mettle, and, in the attempting, were laid 
 upon their backs ; not only losing their breath 
 and their gage, but winning broken noses and 
 spraines, and the mocks of them that did look 
 on. The while Nicholas Greene proved, right 
 well, that he could back his big words by great 
 deeds, by vaulting over the bar, to the wonder 
 and admiration of all; skimming through the air 
 like a marten, and rising like a bound in the 
 chace ; and, bursing the pieces of the competitors, 
 walked off rather heavier than he came. 
 
 Largosse, being present, was asked of one 
 what he thought of Greene. 
 
 " Truly," quo' he, " either this fellow's sire 
 were a leper, or he were born in a leap-year;
 
 42 
 
 and, moreover, may 1 rightly assert, I have this 
 day beheld what man never saw afore, for I 
 have seen — a Greene spring in winter!" 
 
 Mit antj tfjc yotiltercr. 
 
 Going one day into a poulterer's shop, in East 
 Chepe, to purchase some pickled pigs' ears, 
 whereof he was exceedingly fond ; he put them 
 into his pocket, telling the man he would send 
 him the price anon. 
 
 " Nay," said the man hastily, "I neither ask 
 trust nor give it. Leave the ears, and when 
 thou sendest the money I will deliver them." 
 
 Largosse stared at the poulterer with some 
 wonder, but, observing a friend pass, beckoned 
 him. " Lend me a tester," said he, " or I 
 shall lose mine ears !" 
 
 His friend smiled, and gave him his demand ; 
 at the same time remarking, " I am sorry thy 
 credit is so low. Kit!"
 
 43 
 
 " Why, the man's caution strangles credit in 
 the cradle. This trusty chapman trusts no one : 
 not even a trussed fowl upon trust." 
 
 The poulterer now coming to know the 
 Mayor's Lord of Misrule, was very obsequious, 
 and, bobbing his head like one of his own 
 turkey-cocks, offered him many apologies, and 
 even begged him to accept the ears. 
 
 " But, by the mass ! Master Largosse, I 
 did not know thee." 
 
 " Not know me," cried Largosse, " a pretty 
 joke ! ^\liy, sirrah, have I not dealt with thee 
 for ears ? " 
 
 At a dinner, given by the Mayor to several 
 members of the common council, there was one 
 who had accumulated great wealth, and was, 
 moreover, remarkable for the voracity of his ap- 
 petite and the pruriency of his speech.
 
 44 
 
 He was a short, obese man, with a red visage 
 and an apoplectic neck ; and no sooner had he 
 whetted the edge of his wit with a bottle or 
 twain of the good wine, than his taciturnity was 
 thawed, and he poured forth a flood of ribaldry 
 that not only made the goodly company to laugh, 
 but to blush. 
 
 The Mayor was ever too hospitable and too 
 well-bred to check the humour of an invited 
 guest, albeit he felt much annoyance at the in- 
 decent wantonness of his mirth. 
 
 Largosse, notwithstanding the broad licence 
 derived from his vocation and the lowness of 
 his birth, entertained too much respect for his 
 hearers to offend against good manners by any 
 sally that smacked of vulgarity. 
 
 This guest having departed, it was remarked 
 of him, that he was " a right merrie rogue," 
 wicked in sooth, but " of a rare wit ! " 
 
 " That such wit should be rare," replied Lar- 
 gosse, " is a compliment to good sense ; for, by 
 my troth, such wit liketh me not ; unseemly as
 
 45 
 
 it is, it seemeth unto me like the foul glare of 
 the link-boy's torch, which serveth but to shew 
 the varlet's filthy rags and the mire in which he 
 tramps and spatters around him as he runneth ! " 
 
 A FRIEND of Kit's, remarking how universally he 
 made himself welcome and agreeable unto all 
 with whom he came in contact, inquired of him 
 the reason thereof. 
 
 " In most persons and things," responded he, 
 " I have observed there be ever two qualities — 
 the good and the bad : now, in lauding the good, 
 ye may probably increase its worth ; while, by 
 neglecting to notice the bad, ye may lessen, or, at 
 all events, not make it the worse. An if a man 
 ask me to his board, and set before me good meats 
 and indifferent ale, I straightway praise the dishes 
 and sip of my horn in silence — well knowang that 
 an I were to blow on such an horn, I should only
 
 46 
 
 get an ill report for my pains. An if a mother 
 bring unto me her children, and they be rude 
 and unmannered, but clever at their books, I pat 
 their little heads and say, ' How happy must a 
 mother be in having children so remarkable for 
 their forwardness ! ' When Master Tyrrell readeth 
 me his rhymes, which, God wot ! halt like a 
 cripple, I bear the infliction with a smile (his man- 
 ner, not his matter, causeth this), for, in truth, 
 't is sorry balderdash ; and yet, withall, written 
 in such a fair and clerk-like hand, that I never 
 fail to exclaim, ' What beautiful writing ! ' And, 
 in sooth, this is the cunning of the bee, which 
 draweth honey even from the stinging-nettle ! " 
 
 ©( tl)e pleasant ^Trirk ije put upon tlje 
 i^ost of tl)c **iaagp|)e0/* 
 
 One fair morn in summer, Largosse set forth 
 with some of his merry boon companions, with 
 the intent of passing the day in the greene woods
 
 47 
 
 which were without the Aid-Gate of the Citie ; 
 a resort then much frequented by the good 
 citizens on certain holydays for the like purpose. 
 That they might not lack good cheere, they 
 purveyed sundry meats, intending to have them 
 cooked at a small ale-house, the which stood in 
 the vicinity of the place they were bound unto. 
 
 Among these several things, Largosse had 
 brought a leg of pork in a sack ; for they having 
 asked of him " What he intended to stand? " Kit 
 replied that he had turned their question over 
 and over again in his mind, and that he had 
 ultimately resolved, "That a leg was the very 
 best thing in the world to stand!" 
 
 Nowe about a stone's throw from the Gate 
 stood a sort of inferior hostel, whereat there was 
 much more accommodation for horses than men ; 
 and into this same place they must needs go to 
 quaff a cup of nut-brown ale to slake the drought 
 of the party. 
 
 Brown jugs, with heads like cauliflowers, and 
 clean horns were presently ranged on the oaken
 
 48 
 
 table in the long room, the which served the 
 purpose of kitchen and drinking-room to the 
 " Magpyes," for such was the sign of the hostel 
 alluded to. 
 
 While they were a-drinking, in comes a greasy 
 cook-maid, with a fine leg of mutton on a wooden 
 trencher, and plumps it right into the iron crock 
 boiling over the great fire. 
 
 Largosse, without so much as saying a word 
 to his comrades, no sooner saw the maid leave 
 the room, than he put his finger to his lips, and, 
 walking straightway up to the fire-place, whipped 
 out the mutton in a trice, and therein placed his 
 pork, tyeing up the mutton in his sack. 
 
 The merriment of his companions, at this feat, 
 it is impossible to describe ; and, in sooth, so 
 tickled were they therewith, that he was com- 
 pelled, in a measure, to draw them away lest the 
 host should discover the ludicrous exchange. 
 
 On they went upon their way, commenting 
 on this merry conceit of Largosse, and marvelling 
 at the probable consequences thereof.
 
 49 
 
 We will pass over the pastimes and plea- 
 santries they enjoyed in the woods ; for, in the 
 conversation of Kit, it were impossible that the 
 hours should be remarkable for aught but the 
 swiftness of their flight. 
 
 " Nowe, master, an if thou hast anything in thy 
 awmbry to feast us withal, bring it forth quickly, 
 for we be as sharp as a February frost," quoth 
 Largosse, on their return to the " Magpyes." 
 
 The host hereupon conferred with his good 
 wife, and there appeared, for a moment, a serious 
 consultation to ensue ; anon, the cook-maid held 
 up both her hands, and then there was a world 
 of whispering ; in the meanwhile, the tricksy 
 travellers, one and all, maintained as grave a 
 countenance as they could assume, and seated 
 themselves about the table. 
 
 After much ado, knives and wooden platters 
 were spread, and lo ! the leg of pork was brought 
 forth untouched ! 
 
 Largosse winked at his companions, and they 
 fell to in good earnest ; the host and his spouse,
 
 60 
 
 and even the cook, passing to and fro, and ever 
 and anon casting tlieir eyes anxiously upon the 
 hungry guests. 
 
 Having speedily consumed a large wedge of the 
 meat, Largosse watched a fitting opportunity, and 
 adroitly substituting the mutton, on which they 
 had dined, for the pork, called for the reckoning. 
 
 " Let me see," said the host, " Four quarts 
 of ale, and pork " 
 
 " Pork ! " exclaimed Largosse, feigning sur- 
 prise, " Mutton, thou meanest ! " 
 
 " Mutton ! " cried the host, opening his eyes 
 and staring at the joint—" Mutton, why— I — 
 goodness gracious me ! Here, Dorcas ! Dorcas !" 
 
 " Well, master?" quoth the cook. 
 
 " I thought that thou haddest brought out the 
 pork ? " said he. 
 
 ** The saints preserve us ! " shrieked Dorcas, 
 casting a frightened glance upon the contents of 
 the trencher. " The Devil 's in the meat !" and 
 incontinently rushed out of the place to relate 
 this second strange metamorphosis to her as- 
 tounded mistress.
 
 51 
 
 " "NMiy, what is the matter ? " demanded Lar- 
 gosse : " Is yon wench distraught?" 
 
 " O Lord ! I do n't know," cried the bewil- 
 dered host, scratching his ear and gaping with 
 wondering eyes upon the mutton. " For my part — ■ 
 well, I can't make it out, and that 's God's truth." 
 
 " \\Tiat, not make out the reckoning?" said 
 Largosse, with great simplicity, awhile his com- 
 panions could, with much difficulty, refrain from 
 laughing outright in the face of the admiring 
 hosteller. At last, he demanded twelve pence for 
 the ale, but stoutly refused to take a single groat 
 for the meat they had consumed, right willingly 
 giving them a hearty welcome to the mutton, and 
 wishing them a good digestion ; and so the merry 
 fellows departed, leaving the puzzled host still 
 gazing suspiciously upon the remnants of the 
 feast, unable to unravel the cause of this apparent 
 witchery. 
 
 This was a pleasant adventure, the which 
 caused much disport at the table of the Mayor, 
 when the same was afterwards narrated thereat by 
 Largosse.
 
 52 
 
 Cf)c Bthiox. 
 
 Of the number of wits who frequently dined at 
 the Mayor's table, and added the spice of their 
 hilarity to flavour the entertainment, there was 
 none that shone more conspicuously, or who re- 
 ceived a more earnest welcome, than Master Ralph 
 Enscombe. 
 
 Like many others, however, who vaunt of 
 their high lineage, his fortime was slender ; and, 
 econoni}^ not being of the number of his virtues, 
 he consequently soon became straitened. The law, 
 which hath no more respect for wit than a sum- 
 mer shower for a smart sattin, or a spider for a 
 blue-bottle, seized upon the penniless genileman, 
 and (as Kit said) finding him confined in his 
 means, soon found means to confine him, — pro- 
 viding him with a lodging in Lud-Gate. 
 
 By sheer accident, Largosse discovered his re- 
 treat, and thereupon speaking unto the Mayor, his 
 worship, that much regretted the loss of his com-
 
 53 
 
 pany, commissioned the kindly suitor to visit him 
 and discharge the debt for which he was held in 
 durance, amounting to the sum of twenty marks. 
 Kit lost no time in seeking his friend, and 
 found, to his amazement, that he had grown ex- 
 ceedingly fat — a happy, careless disposition, and the 
 want of exercise, conducing thereto. " They seem 
 to keep thee well, at any rate," remarked Kit. 
 
 " I' faith, if by well-kept thou meanest safely, 
 thou art right," replied Ralph, laughing ; " but 
 albeit they took me in, they were compelled to 
 let out my garments ! Am I not grown ? " 
 
 " Would all my friends were like unto thee," 
 said Kit; " for nothing rejoiceth my heart so much 
 as the increase of my friends ! " 
 
 After a world more of this pleasant discourse, 
 Largosse communicated the friendly object of his 
 visit. " But, truly, ]\Iaster Enscombe," quoth he, 
 " the good nature of his worship (which prompted 
 him to set thee free) hath been marvellously fore- 
 stalled." 
 
 " How so ? " demands Ralph. 
 
 £
 
 54 
 
 "Why," aiiswcreth liargosse, " liatli not boun- 
 tiful Nature already enlarged thee ! " 
 
 W^ ^tph} to tfjf (Kfjaplaine. 
 
 Notwithstanding the licence of speech which 
 was awarded unto him in virtue of his office, 
 Largesse ever entertained so much respect for 
 his hearers, and eke for himself, that he was never 
 known (albeit many of his betters too often set 
 him but an ill example) to utter anything in the 
 leastwise bordering on ribaldry or indecency ; he 
 had, moreover, such an overweening reverence for 
 the clergy, that never, in his gayest of moments, 
 when all was hilarity at the INIayor's table, did he 
 ever address aught to the Chaplaine, although 
 ofttimes provoked thereunto by the facetiousness 
 of that functionary, who was, like unto many of 
 the cloth, a merry man, and affected both his joke 
 and his bottle. For Kit, very properly, would 
 have deemed it the height of unseemly imperti-
 
 55 
 
 nence to bandy jests with his I'everence, or run 
 a tilt with him in light and flippant discourse. 
 " Thof the Shepherd strike me with his crooke, 
 I aye keep my lath in the scabbard," saith he. 
 
 This priest, William Orton by name, was 
 much pleased with the modesty and discretion 
 of Largosse, and sought divers opportunities of 
 speaking with him in private ; honestly confess- 
 ing that his apt answers frequently gave him 
 food for reflection. " Lightness of speech and 
 shallowness of brain," said the priest, " be tan- 
 tamount. What sayest thou, is it not so, Lar- 
 gosse ? " 
 
 " Truly, Sir William," answereth Largosse, 
 " it may be so :" and then coolly taking in hand 
 a brown jug of foaming ale which stood on the 
 board, he continued, " I have ever observed that 
 the strongeth ale sheweth abundance of froth, and 
 is bright and sparkling, whilst your small ale hath 
 scarcely none, and is flat and insipid ! " And thus 
 adroitly did he answer the priest, hitting the 
 mai-k without seemin"- to take an aim.
 
 56 
 
 " Morality," saith he, speaking unto the afore- 
 mentioned Chaplaine, who had, by the bye, hardly 
 pressed him into the discussion, " is the child of 
 mortal philosophy ; religion, the offspring of the 
 immortal soul. Morality is an excellent cement ; 
 but religion is, after all, the key-stone of society. 
 The one is, in fine, a good shadow of a better 
 substance." 
 
 iHfjc Olantiitiatc for (Eiiit ?l)onours. 
 
 One Gilbert Norton, a grocer by trade, and eke 
 a man of substance, was possessed of so men- 
 dacious a tongue that his bible-oath was held 
 in less respect than the bare word of another. 
 
 Notwithstanding which, he found friends (in 
 whose favour he had ingratiated himself by means 
 of a "-ood cook and an excellent cellar ; two in-
 
 fallible allies, with reverence be it spoken, in the 
 politicks of our ftiir Citie) to propose him at a 
 ward-mote for a member of the common counsel]. 
 
 The Mayor, who knew his character, would 
 scarce believe his ears ; the rumour, however, 
 was speedily verified. 
 
 " Well, Largosse," saith the Mayor, with the 
 sharpness of vexation, "'tis no idle report, I 
 find; this Norton intends to stand." 
 
 "It rejoiceth one to hear the happy tidings,'' 
 replies Largosse coolly. 
 
 "How so. Fool?" cries the Mayor. 
 
 " ]Marry, your worship, 'cause the knave liath 
 been lying all his life, and his resolution to stand 
 sheweth he is in the way of amendment, by 
 changing his downright imposture to an upright 
 posture." 
 
 The jNIayor smiled, and continued, saying, 
 " The brazen varlet, too, appeareth quite con- 
 fident of success, and boasteth everywhere abroad 
 of the promises of support that he hath received 
 on all hands."
 
 58 
 
 " Then honesty liatli some chance," quoth 
 Largosse ; "for the fellow is as full of ' lies' as a 
 church-yard ; and, therefore, depend on't, his boasts 
 are meer bubbles, that have no more foundation 
 than the praises in a rich man's epitaph," 
 
 Sanctioned by the ^layor, Largosse proposed 
 to visit the citizens, and endeavour to win over 
 their voices in favor of Norton's opponent in the 
 contest ; expressing a hope that even his poor 
 influence, though a meer feather, might turn the 
 scale. 
 
 And, setting forth in the honourable quest of 
 supporting Truth against Falsehood, he resolved 
 to carry on his manoeuvres even in the camp of 
 the enemy. And presently discovering the place 
 where the friends and supporters of the wealthy 
 candidate assembled, he incontinently repaired 
 thither. 
 
 Albeit unarrayed in his motley garb, he was 
 soon recognized, and right heartily welcomed. 
 
 It is true the company was composed of the 
 very meanest order of the citizens, but wit sup-
 
 59 
 
 plied the want of eloquence in Largosse, and he' 
 addressed them, in language so familiar to their ears 
 (for no one understood the vulgar tongue of Cock- 
 ayne better), that he completely led them away. 
 
 He made no direct accusation against the 
 candidate, but put such questions touching his 
 probity and honour, and so-forth, that were un- 
 answerable ; and not only imphed a doubt of 
 his worthiness, but carried a conviction in the 
 minds of liis audience that he was totally un- 
 fitted for the occupation he sought. 
 
 There was one among them, a paid advocate, 
 a jackall of Norton's, who trembled for his cUent ; 
 one of those worthless men of law which honest 
 folks, with clean hands and clear consciences, 
 do avoid as carefully as they would a scavenger, 
 for truly their work is generally as dirty and less 
 honourable. After a string of queries, Largosse 
 concluded by asking, " Who was the Liar of 
 London ?" 
 
 "Randall Bates, by jingo!" shouted one of 
 liis hearers.
 
 60 
 
 " Nay, Norton is," said Largesse. 
 
 " Take heed, sirrah," interrupted the man of 
 law, " thou shalt pay for this. I call upon ye all 
 to witness, Christopher Largosse calleth Gilbert 
 Norton a liar." 
 
 " Softly," replied Largosse, " I deny it ! I 
 simply asked this worthy citizen. Who was the 
 Liar of London? He names Randall Bates." 
 
 " Well !" said the Advocate. 
 
 " ' Randall Bates is a liar,' quoth he. I say 
 Norton is " 
 
 "What, sirrah?" fiercely demanded the other. 
 
 "A (/rocer f calmly replied Largosse, with 
 such an expression of innocent astonishment at the 
 warmth of the legal interlocutor, that the whole 
 room shook with the riotous applause that fol- 
 lowed, and the man of law fled as if aff"righted. 
 
 And, certes, the Lord of Misrule worked so 
 well and diligently in the good cause, that he 
 greatly assisted in ousting Gilbert Norton ; for in 
 the end he lost his election, to the great delight 
 of the INIayor and all good citizens.
 
 ^i)E eafllc anlf tijr jg^Duftct).
 
 61 
 
 In the suburbs south of the Citie of London, and 
 on the other side of that famous bridge whose 
 well-stored shops on either side be the admira- 
 tion of all strangers, there was a pubhck garden 
 named the " Bower," by reason of the variety of 
 shrubs and flowers wherewith it was most taste- 
 fully adorned ; affording unto the artisans and 
 their families an inviting spot of harmless recre- 
 ation after the fatigues and labour of the day. 
 
 The host of this retreat, among divers tilings 
 purveyed and thither brought for the entertain- 
 ment of his \'isitors, had a huge eagle affixed 
 by the leg to an iron chain to the stump of a 
 tree ; the which was, moreover, for security from 
 all harm to the bystanders, surrounded by a sort 
 of artificial rock-work, done in so delectable a 
 manner that it admirably represented the handi- 
 work of nature.
 
 62 
 
 Solemn as a judge the great bird of prey sat 
 on his purch ; ever and anon winking his eyes, 
 and turning his head from lel't to right, from 
 right to left, as the delighted folkes moved to 
 and fro, gazing with admiration upon the king 
 of the skye. Nowe, near unto his prison was 
 reared a lofty pole, at the summit whereof was 
 a kind of dove-cote, the domicile of a little mon- 
 key, brought by the brother of the host, an 
 adventurous mariner, from a country beyond the 
 seas. This creature, so like unto humane nature 
 in his outward form and actions, drew great 
 crowds about him ; and, you may believe, there 
 was no spare of apples, and nuts, and ginger- 
 bread to entertain him withall; for his tameness 
 and docility, and the merriment excited by his 
 whimsical gambols, presently made him a vast 
 favorite both with young and old. 
 
 He was, by the way, so fond of the host, 
 that he no sooner drew near than he would 
 spring incontinently upon his shoulders, pull his 
 hair, and nuzzle to him with the aflection of
 
 63 
 
 an infant, to the infinite sport and diversion of 
 all beholders. Nor was the kindly host in a 
 degree less fond of the pleasaunt animal, tend- 
 ing him ever with the greatest care ; being, in 
 sooth, not only a source of pleasure but of pro- 
 fit unto him in the way of his caUing. 
 
 On a luckless day, however, it chanced, when 
 no one was by, that the little animal loosed him- 
 self from his bonds ; and, being free to wander 
 whithersoever he Hsted, or his curiosity led him, 
 he must needs intrude a visit upon the eagle ; 
 and, seeing his neighbour at dinner, invited 
 himself, without ceremony, to take pot-luck ; 
 which, alack ! proved ill luck to him : for the 
 poor thoughtless little animal no sooner pre- 
 sented himself, than the proud bird of the 
 mighty Jove, not xmderstanding his droll and 
 fantastic antics, or being thereat incensed, in- 
 dignantly ruffled up his feathers, and in the 
 twinkling of an eye laid the inoffensive monkey 
 dead at his feet, ruthlessly tearing him into a 
 thousand pieces.
 
 64 
 
 Loud were the lamentations of the host over 
 the mangled remains of his favourite, and not 
 one among the frequenters of his place but did 
 grieve mightily at his disastrous death ; for he 
 had no enemies in the whole world but this 
 awful bird. 
 
 Largosse, who much affected the " Bower," on 
 account of its agreeableness, and the company 
 of many of his friends who resorted thither, 
 joined in the universal clamour against the fero- 
 city of the eagle. 
 
 Some one was eager in proposing the de- 
 struction of the destroyer. 
 
 "Nay, not so," quoth Largosse, "'tis its 
 nature ; if the fly will heedlessly rush into the 
 web of the spider, he meeteth his doom. And, 
 after all," continued he gravely, " the eagle hath 
 only treated the monkey as mine host would 
 serve a customer." 
 
 "Good Lord!" cried out the speaker — who 
 Kit, be it said, considered had chattered too 
 ghbly, and become rather mawkishly sentimental
 
 65 
 
 upon the subject — ''What meanest thou? Thou 
 
 would'st not say " 
 
 " Meerly this," interrupteth Kit, putting his 
 forefinger on his sleeve, "that the monkey dined 
 with the eagle, and that the eagle sent his bill 
 into the monltey for a dinner!" 
 
 " Loyalty," said Largosse, " dependeth much 
 on the stomach. Give a man his fill, and you 
 shall find him as quiet as a well-fed dog on a 
 doore-mat ; whilst your half-starved rebel goeth 
 about grumbling, and infecting others with his 
 windy whimsies, like unto a hungry, lean-ribbed 
 hound which runneth through the streets, with 
 his nose in the mud, snapping and snarling at 
 all he meeteth." 
 
 "Nay, I would bet my bauble that no fat 
 man hath ever justly lost his head for treasonous 
 plots.
 
 66 
 
 " Wherefore, would I advise liis grace to keep 
 all his subjects in good case, for fat beeves work 
 greater wonders than stout souldiers. As peace 
 produceth plenty, so doth plenty beget content- 
 ment — whence springeth loyalty and the best 
 affection ; for he must needs be a very churl 
 indeed, that will quarrell with his porridge, even 
 though fortune provide him nothing better than 
 a wooden spoon to eat it withall." 
 
 " There are those which think, forsooth, that 
 charity consisteth in alms-giving ; and flatter 
 themselves in the vaine belief that, in giving a 
 portion of their abundance to the poor, they pur- 
 chase a cloke even for their iniquities ; whereas, 
 according to my humble notion, charity meaneth 
 a brotherly affection, not only unto one's own 
 kind, but eke unto the brutes. Some men, in- 
 deed, have such an ill-manner in the bestowall
 
 07 
 
 of their bounties, tliat even llicir gold liatli not 
 the weight of a feather in tlie baUanee ; and 
 yet, nevertheless, do they expect to purchase 
 gratitude with ostentation, foolishly complaining 
 of the barrenness of the soile, when the fault 
 lieth in the seed they scatter." 
 
 ?^is d^uip upon tije Satirist. 
 
 One of those rhj-mesters, whose passing fame 
 hath no other foundation than personal scandal, 
 propped up by the malice of contemporary envy, 
 had writ some impertinent verses upon a right 
 worthy gentleman who was much esteemed of 
 Largosse. It was, indeed, but a sorry dish of 
 perverted truth garnished with lies ; but, albeit 
 the production was as ephemeral as a gnat, it 
 was alike troublesome and annoying to the 
 party ; for the shaft of ridicule, be it cast by 
 never so clumsy a hand, can rarely be parried 
 either with success or temper.
 
 68 
 
 Being at the Mayor's table, where he was 
 courted by the guests rather through fear than 
 affection, he discoursed ghbly, like a shallow 
 witling as he was, of his popularity and the 
 commendations he had received. 
 
 Some, who would fain have sheltered them- 
 selves from his lash under the shield of flattery, 
 declared that they held his love verses equal to 
 the like efforts of the Latin Ovidius; the which, 
 gross as it was, he seemed to swallow with the 
 voracity of a pike-fish. 
 
 Turning to Largosse, who sat silently ad- 
 miring at his antics and volubility, he suddenly 
 appealed to him, saying, "Brother Largosse (for 
 all wits are brethren), what sayest thou ? Shall 
 I abandon satyr and stick to love? Pray thee, 
 now, guide me by the light of thy judgement ; 
 and say, shall I henceforth dip my pen in gall 
 or honey ?" 
 
 " Nay, dip thy pen in treacle, an thou wilt," 
 saith Largosse, " but stick to satyr, for therein 
 thy genius lyeth."
 
 09 
 
 " Thou flatterer," crieth the rhymester. 
 
 " Nay, lyeth most notoriously, I mean," con- 
 tinueth Largosse ; whereat there was a burst of 
 boisterous merriment, in which he that was the 
 ridiculous object thereof joined loudly, meerly 
 to conceal his mortification, for his tongue was 
 thereafter compleatly silenced, and he presently 
 slunk away, quite crest-fallen, from the goodly 
 company. 
 
 Some vaunt loudly of their honesty, that, never 
 being tempted by necessity, lack the true test ; 
 for, it seemeth to me, that he who wanteth for 
 nothing must needs be a weak knave indeed that 
 should want this virtue. 
 
 Others, agen, are honest from pure fear, that 
 be great rogues by inclination, but possess not 
 the courage to do their will. 
 
 In my days of raggedness and beggary, I 
 sorted with many whose cunningness reaped 
 
 F
 
 70 
 
 much fruit from the unwary ; albeit little pro- 
 fit for "ill-gotten" was aye "ill-spent" with 
 the whole tribe. 
 
 My mother (whose soul God assoile) was a 
 woman of rude and rough manners. No tongue, 
 in sooth, could outscold her, nor arm wield a 
 staff with greater execution in a fray. 
 
 But, notwithstanding her position (born and 
 herding amongst the lowest tatterdemallions of 
 this great Citie), she had principles that would 
 be an honour to many her superiors. 
 
 Two things she earnestly strived to impress 
 upon my mind : neither to lye nor to steal ; and 
 herein consisted the whole of my education ; the 
 rest I picked up in the streets, as I did my 
 hvelihood ! 
 
 One dismal night, the which trod on the 
 heels of a gainless day (for I had, in truth, 
 gathered nothing but ill words instead of kind 
 alms), I was tramping about after every passer- 
 by, in the hope of still obtaining some aid from 
 charity, for my poor mother lay sick of a fever
 
 71 
 
 and much needed some timely help; when I 
 espied a drunken gallant reeling homewards from 
 a tavern. 
 
 In a moment I crossed the street, and had 
 nearly reached my mark, when, behold! my eye 
 caught sight of a heavy bourse, richly broderied ! 
 I snatched at the prize. My first thought, I 
 must confess, was to bear it off — the temptation 
 was scarce to be resisted ; for I had in my power 
 the ample means of succouring my poor mother. 
 
 I trembled. I placed it securely in the breast of 
 my tattered garment, and hastily turned my steps 
 towards the wretched hovel we called our home. 
 
 But I tried in vain to quiet the beating of 
 my heart, by thinking that I had not filched it 
 from the drunkard, for I felt a consciousness that 
 the bourse was his ; having walked on that spot, 
 to and fro, for the last hour, and none other 
 had passed that way. 
 
 It was a pairiful struggle, but the devil was 
 overcome; and I ran, as fast as my weary legs 
 could carry me, in pursuit of the rightful owner.
 
 72 
 
 He gaped at me wildly, and took the bourse ; 
 but when I humbly sollicited charity, and anon 
 a reward for the money I had restored, the 
 drunkard not only reviled me bitterly, accusing 
 me of stealing it, but dealt me a blow with his 
 walking-staff. 
 
 I reeled, and burst into tears, bitter tears of 
 disappointed hope, and the sharper smart arising 
 from the cruel injustice I had suffered at his 
 hands. Young as I then was, howsoever, I felt 
 (albeit my reason was then unripe) — I felt a 
 degree of pleasure at having done my duty. 
 
 As I wended homewards, dispirited and hope- 
 less, I passed the very tavern whence this same 
 ungracious galliard had issued, when forth came 
 two more in the like condition, which had pro- 
 bably been his boon companions in the night's 
 carouse; one of whom dropped his staff in the mire. 
 
 I picked it up, and wiping off the soil it had 
 received, presented it, but, remembering me well 
 of the last return I had met with, kept at a wary 
 distance.
 
 73 
 
 " Come hither, knave," said he, beckoning me 
 and supporting himself against the wall, " thou 
 excellent bundle of rags. Come, hither, I say. 
 Gad's Ufe ! boy, I'll not eat thee. Thou hast 
 done me service, and no man, woman, or child 
 shall say they ever served Sir Gerald Mountfort, 
 Knight, without vails or value. Look'ee, varlet, 
 there's a noble for thee. Now vanish, and buy 
 thee soap — soap — but don't drink. Drink makes 
 a beast of a man ! " 
 
 And thus saying, he threw unto me the wel- 
 come coin, and reeled off, bawling the ballant of 
 "The Old Man a-wooing's gone." So unex- 
 pectedly doth both good and evil come upon us 
 mortals. 
 
 It is true, alas ! that honesty and poverty but 
 too often fall to the share of one man ; yet, after 
 all. Honesty, even in rags, will sleep sounder on 
 his straw pallet than Guilt on his down pillow ! 
 
 My poor sick mother was much moved by the 
 relation of my encounter, and wept plentifully — 
 a sort of small rain that laid the high wind of her
 
 74 
 
 boisterous feelings — for she was. too weak to use 
 her tongue, or she would have railed long and 
 lustily agen the ungracious ruffler which had 
 stricken me ; for she misliked, mightily, that other 
 hand than her's should flout or cudgel me ; and, 
 forsooth, she practised the wholesome correction 
 so frequently, that 'tis no marvel she made me 
 the tenderest of sons. 
 
 Whether it were, peradventure, the violent 
 emotions of anger and joy, or the aid the money 
 purchased, I know not ; but certes, in this, her 
 struggle with Death, the noble proved a coin of 
 vantage that gave her the victory for the nonce.
 
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