Abe Martin's Almanack Abe Martin's Almanack By Kin Hubbard CONTENTS FOR 1909 History of the Days Prof. Alex Tansey An agreeable mixture of the romantic and didactic The Relation of the Turnip to Early Journalism Hon. Ex-Editor Cale Fluhart Heroism and hardships of the frontier editor The Only Hotel in Town .... Lafayette Bud A stirring narrative with several character studies The Ice Cream Cone vs. the Legitimate Channels of Trade Ex -Cashier Tell Binkley A timely and comprehensive article on finance Questions and Answers . . . Miss Fawn Lippincut Pithy replies to vexatious queries Review of the Melodeon Hall Stage . Miss Germ Williams Lesser lights of the drama that have thrilled the rural playgoer Scattered Observations Abe Martin Short paragraphs covering a multitude of subjects And many anecdotes and essays bearing on the seasonable changes ILLUSTRATED BY THE AUTHOR Abe Martin Publishing Company Indianapolis COPYRIGHT 1908 I ^ O'] To Thomas Edwin Hubbard Whose vocal gifts endear him to all our flat and who, wise beyond his one year, holds the chair of philosophy in the Abe Martin night school of tranquil thought. ivi222432 Thanks are due to The Indianapolis News for permission to republish much of the material in this volume Abe Martin of Brown County, Indiana The artist. Kin Hubbard, *s so keerless He draws Abe 'most eyeless and earless; But he's never yit pictured him cheerless Er with fun 'at he tries to conceal — Whuther onto the fence er clean over A-rootin* up ragweed er clover, Skeert stiff at some "Rambler" er "Rover" Er new fangled automobeel. ■—James Whitcomb Riley Abe Martin's Almanack Abe Martin's Almanack THE FIRST ALMANACK By MISS GERM WILLIAMS The first almanack printed in Europe was probably the Kalendarium Novum and was gotten up by a chap named Regiomontanus. It was published at Buda, Hungary. It sold readily for ten crowns of gold, the publisher getting nine crowns and a half out of a pos- sible ten. This was in 1475, so it will be seen that even at that early period the im- pression prevailed among publishers that an author cared little or nothing for money. Abe Martin's Almanack Many a woman wouldn't recognize her husband if she saw him in congenial society. S2 Th* first thing t' turn green in th' spring is Christmus jewelry. S2 What is it that likes t* shop all day an' never closes th' car door? S2 Folks that used t' go home when they couldn't go nowheres else now go t' th* five-cent the-aters. January 1 2 Black Janiveer starts the world off anew, Good resolutions and breakovers, too. HISTORY OF THE DAYS Including Popular Festivals and Holi- days; Matters Bearing on the Season- able Changes; Notable Events and Customs; Biographies and Anecdotes; a Mingling of the Agreeable and In- structive. By PROFESSOR ALEXANDER TANSEY A young Roman named Numa Pompilius made January the first month of the year, adding two months to the ten into which the year had previ- ously been divided, thus making the present] complete series of seasonable changes. Abe Martin's Almanack The merry-making on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day dates far back beyond the time of Queen Anne. One of the most popu- lar styles of celebration was for the head of the house to assemble the family around a large oaken growler of spiced booze. After each member became thor- oughly soused the word that passed among them was the old Seixon phrase "wass hael" (to your health!). The poorer classes crow^ded the downtow^n ale houses and as the hour grew late they passed into the Sunday room and continued the fes- tivities till the sun appeared over the brow of the hill, when they reeled home. In our own country today the same manner of observance obtains in no small degree, all stiffness of age, profession and rank loosening up. Many of us look back over the year just closed, and sum up all that we have stood for, all that we have licked up, things that we have done or neglected in that regretted time and resolve to hit the straight and narrow trail and save a little money for food and clothing. PROF. ALEX TANSEY January The first Monday following the twelfth day of January is Plow Monday. It is strictly a rustic Festival and marks the end of the Christ- mas holiday season. January fourteen is St. Hilary's Day and marks the greatest frost of all time. On this day, in 1205, began a frost that continued till the twenty-second day of March, beans selling per quarter at a half a mark. On January twenty-first comes St. Agnes' Eve, which w^as originally set aside as a holi- day, or eve, for the women folk and girls. 3 5 6 JUtfurBbag 7 8 9 When writing home for money please mention Abe Martin's Almanack. Abe Martin's Almanack There's never any false bottom in a peck o' trouble. Th' hard times is puttin' hoarded money in circulation. A feller up at Hartford City wants t' sell a fifty-cent piece that wuz made in 1810. January QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS CONDUCTED BY MISS FAWN UPPINCUT Is it proper to accept an invitation to go to the theater from a young man you despise? Carmen. Answer — Yes, if the play is upHfting. I have a retreating chin. What must I do? Zaza. Answer — Place either hand over it constantly while in public. How may I bring the bloom to my cheeks for at least two hours at a time? Belle. Answer — Rub them severely for one hour with a potato brush. The bloom will often last until after the curtain goes up and in some instances until the middle of the first act. 10 11 SFuwiag 12 13 Sliuraiiag 14 3ffrtJitag 15 ©aluriaB 16 MISS FAWN UPPINCUT Redting "CURFEW" Abe Martin's Almanack I am so anxious to become a great actress. Is a girl safe on the stage? Helene. Answrer — Yes, if she stays on. Is roller skating elevating? Grace. Answer — Yes, for the floor manager. Is it proper to ask the young man you in- tend to marry how large his salary is? Myrt. Answer — If you are bright and tactful there are many ways you may arrive at a fair idea without causing your intended to perjure himself. Can you suggest some harmless remedy for a warped view^ of life? Kenneth. Answer — Don't let me forget to mail you, sealed and free of all cost, a booklet explain- ing how you can muff your wife's first biscuits. Is it proper to ask a young man to call that you met in a skating rink? Louise. Answer — It all depends on what system you are using. How may I avoid an India tint complexion and sleep late and eat baking pow^der biscuits? Vera. Answer — We do not furnish addresses. How shall I make a one-egg meringue? Thrifty. Answer — Use one egg. January Miss Germ Williams is makin* great headway with her school work. She kin almost read th' signature t* a typewritten letter. It takes a general t* git along happily with a well-off wife. 17 JHnniag 18 aiurabtig 19 20 Sljuraftag 21 Jrilnag 22 g>aturbag 23 January 20, 1908— Army cir- cles shocked. Abe Martin's Almanack Th' dope fiends o* Indynoplus er goin' t' make a display o* fancy needle work at th' State Fair next fall. You never git what you want fer Christmus after you grow up. S2 Miss Tawney Apple wrote her name on a egg a year ago yisterday, an' t'day she got a letter from a actor dated at Upper Sandusky, Ohio. S2 On account o' th' panic young Lafe Bud's baby is cuttin' his teeth on certi- fied checks. A real statesman kin talk without mussin' his hair. January Pinky Kerr says he kin remember when they used t' line derby hats like a coffin. Young Lafe Bud has dropped out o' th* K. of P.'s an' joined a suit club. &Uttbag 24 25 26 27 28 3Fribag 29 Saturbaa 30 A village reporter actually balancing on a regulation safety bicycle while he jots down the muddy condition of the streets. Abe Martin's Almanack Mart Beasley always takes a couple o* eggs an' a bean blower when he goes t' th* the-ater. He went t* school at Ann Arbor. S2 Th* safest way t* double your money is t' fold it over once an* put it in your pocket. Ther* haint no health resorts fer a guilty conscience. Th* only way t* entertain some folks is t* talk to *em 'bout themselves. If everbuddy thought before they spoke ther* wouldn' be enough noise in this world t' scare a jaybird. January Every allowance within reason should be made fer th* father o* a baby boy. I wonder if the time 11 ever come agin when steak for supper will be a mere episode? ,„- Once in a long time you find enough relatives on speakin' terms t' hold a family reunion. J 31 Abe Martin's Almanack Did you ever notice how a feller smiles after he*s put a lot o* relatives on th* train fer home? You can't git away from yourself by walkin' out in th* country. S2 Th* feller that kin drink a quart with- out showin* it haint in it with th* feller that kin show a quart without drinkin' it. S2 An ole granny is a feller that hangs his hat in th* same place th* year 'round. } February 1 2 3 4 5 &aturlkag 6 Bleak February, dreary and gray. If it be Leap Year, has a twenty-ninth day. February comes in like a big, husky country girl with a tinge of red on her cheek that looks as though it might have been placed there with a stencil. Sometimes she seems to shrink, and at other times she seems to push forward as if followed by a drummer. In this country the second | day of February is called Ground Hog Day. On this date the little animal peeps out of his home on the hillside after his long winter's sleep. If the weather is dark and threaten- ing he emerges and walks about his home premises and | ( Abe Martin's Almanack gets things ready for the spring rush — the farmer taking this activity as a sign of warm weather; if the day is bright and sunshiny the ground hog quickly retires at the first sight of his shadow. This, the farmer thinks, is an unmistakable sign of six more w^eeks of winter V weather and he returns to his checker-board. The fourteenth day of February is St. Val- entine's Day, it is a much degenerated festival, the only observance of any note consisting merely of the sending of anonymous letters by the humbler classes. In the earlier centuries the day was marked in a much different style, and many pretty customs made the anniver- sary notable; young dandies w^ishing to find favor w^ith some fair damsel would cause to be placed under her notice large reels of poetry breathing a profession of strong attach- ment in every line and honeyed throughout with compliments to her various perfections. It w^as an easy matter for a long-haired, senti- mental chap that was handy with a pen to win out the pride of the villeige in those days. The system of today is widely different. Most any young snip with a well-creased suit of clothes and some nerve can accomplish ten times as much with a pair of theater tickets as the poetic lover of the fourteenth century could bring to pass with ten thousand miles of verse. 4. The twenty-second day of February is Washington's Birthday. It is generally ob- served by school children throughout the United States. Washington was our first President. He held on for two terms and refused the third. He did not have the genius of Julius Caesar or Napoleon Bona- February parte, but he had a good private secretary and managed to get by in a manner entirely satisfactory to the people of his day. George Washington never meddled in the municipal affairs of Cleveland, Ohio, nor double-crossed a country postmaster; he never bothered his head about the birth rate or called up an Associated Press representative every time the papers failed to contain some- thing about him. Washington was a great general, too, on the side, and crossed the Delaware in a skiff and occasionally shot a little game for the house unaccompanied. 7 8 9 10 11 3Fr!iay 12 &aluriag 13 February 10, 1908.— Army circles shocked. Abe Martin's Almanack In selectin* a cantaloupe remember that beauty is only skin deep. Z^ 7///% It's purty hard t* tell which sets th' worst table, a Bryan banquet or a Repub- lican love feast. February 14 THE ONLY HOTEL IN TOWN ^^ BY LAFE BUD The landlord of the only hotel in town wears his hat when he walks through the dining room and lives with his family in the pretty part of town; he has a shifty gaze and finds his amusement at home; he is a close contractor and buys his canned corn by the case and his boil- ing meat at catchweights; the only time he ever smiles is when some guest threatens to stop at the other hotel. His clerk is a fellow that has failed at everything but pen- manship. Behind the register he assumes the seri- ousness of one who has just written a his- tory of the world. He likes to put a fancy date line in colored inks across the top of the register; he eats in a se- cluded corner of the dining room where the guests can not see his eggs and chats in an animated and gossipy manner with the fattest -waitress. Aside I from keeping the railroad time table in his noodle his is a lazy, 15 16 17 18 19 20 THE LANDLORD Abe Martin's Almanack careless existence free from all the brainracking responsibilities of life. It is always impossible for a traveler to get out of a _ — -^ one-hotel C^ y=^ town un- der one day, and many tales of hard- ship a re told by drummers w^ho have been de- tained on account of railroad accidents or other causes, of THE ONLY I remember an experience my own in a northern Ohio village in 1898. 1 was selling spectacles and, of course, anxious to get out of town as soon as possible. I had been at the only hotel in town for three hours and had gathered my lug- gage together and was approaching the clerk to settle w^hen I felt a light tap on my shoulder. Wheel- ing about 1 stood face to face w^ith the landlord. I shall never forget the fiendish expression on his face as he told me in a low, chuckling voice that No. 18 had been abandoned and that I would be unable to get away before noon the following day. SEIZED WITH INDECISION February When 1 recovered the landlord had fled, leaving me alone with the clerk. Watching my chance I slipped out through the ladies' entrance and stood for some moments in the shadow of a tree. A fierce blizzard was raging and had driven the few strag- gling villagers from the street into the pool room ESCAPING 21 22 23 24 25 26 ^aturiag 27 With one bound I was beyond the city limits and running madly through the fine, blinding snow in a northerly direction. I soon fell exhausted and was picked up at Tiffin, Ohio, and carried to the nearest white settlement. Ahe Martin's Almanack A sweet temper comes in handy dur- in* a hot spell. Th* practice o' law is th' steppin' stone t* th* best farm in th* county. S2 Th' feller that talks 'bout th' weather haint knockin' some one, anyhow. Th' first thing a boy should do after he graduates from school is t' begin t' repay his parents. S2 Th' well-dressed stranger that tried t' sell a lightnin' rod t' Tilford Moots yis- terday has been identified an' he belongs t' a well-t'-do family at Newcastle, that is, his father has never been arrested. February Too many fellers become lawyers jist t' git somethin* better. S2 It's a wise delegate that takes his badge off before he goes in a resturint er a barber shop. S2 Miss Fawn Lippincut waz up t' Indy- noplus on th' cars yisterday. She's gittin' t' be quite a traveler an' dutthsu ^^^ Tide with th' window 28 down. ABE MARTIN IN 1876 Abe Martin's Almanack Did you ever see a pompous feller step on a match? Th' man that retires from business be- fore he dies soon gits in th* way. Th' worst o* all th' optimists is th' fel- ler that thinks everything he has is th' best. Constable Newt Plum's married daugh- ter treated her hired girl jist like a guest an' she stayed almost three weeks. S2 Tipton Bud is back from Denver an' he says it's a fine place t' visit if you've got relatives there an' shave yourself. March 1 2 3 4 3Frtbag 5 6 Old windy March, first month of Spring, Flat dwellers grow restless and janitors sing. March is the first month of Spring and the farmer begins to wonder how many circus tickets he will be able to pull down for allowing his barn to be decorated with flaring pos- ters. In the country village the j.-^ children romp on the green * while the older folk gather in front of the postoffice and dis- cuss the forw^ard season, the prospects for a full crop of dandelions, how^ they have bat- tled through the long, hard , winter, and, in speaking of the ! cost of living, they talk in low \ w^hispers. Huddling still closer j together they ask one another i Abe Martin's Almanack what is meant by the physical valuation of railroads. Spring plowing soon relegates great national issues to the rear and a long, hot season of toil confronts our country friends. The fourth day of March, every four years, is Inauguration Day at Washington, D. C. It is a one-sided celebration in that only one- half of the country warms up to it. Generally on that day a Republican President either succeeds himself or some other Republican in spite of the popular vote of the country. Occasionally a Democrat takes advantage of \ the low rates and pays a visit to relatives in i Baltimore. The Seventeenth day of March is St. Pat- rick's Day. St. Patrick was born about the year 372 and stolen by pirates at the age of sixteen and sold into slavery in Ireland. His career was a notable one in many respects but the thing that brought him everlasting distinction was driving the snakes out of Ire- land. This he did by beating a drum, striking it with such fervor that it sprained his wrist. St. Patrick did not care for brass as he could not smoke and play at one and the same time. March A promoter is a sort of a well-dressed hobo. For most people a vacation is only a change o' venue. 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 March 9, 1 908.— Army circles shocked. \ Abe Martin's Almanack A actor alius gits married on th* day ; he gits a divorce. If your wife likes th* same folks you do it makes it some easier. S2 Th' next thing we know th* patent medicine people will form a liver pool. S2 Th* time fer a brass band t* play an* folks t' give flowers is when somebuddy gits well an* not when they don*t. S2 Th* feller that enjoys a little promi- nence in his own town thinks everbuddy he meets away from home ought t* know *bout it. March TIME BY TELL BINKLEY Time is one of those things which can not be defined. We only become sensible of it through life insurance premiums, toward which it may therefore be said to bear a relation and through which means w^e are able to associate it. The life of a well constituted man will, under fair circumstances, last seventy years, though writers of patent medicine liter- ature cite many instances where the one hundred mark has been reached through close observance of the directions. The illustrations accompanying these statistics almost invariably show the venerable subject as being possessed of deep set eyes at no great distance apart, and neatly trimmed chin w^hiskers with the hair line dropped at least one inch from the lower lip, the intervening space being kept closely mowed. These w^ell " preserved " old fellow^s always live off the railroad, somewhere in Minnesota or Wisconsin. 14 15 16 17 18 19 #alnriag 20 Abe Martin's Almanack Home is th* best lodge an' th* obliga- tion is the purtiest an* simplest in th' world. Miss Tawney Apple says that ever time she sees an ugly married woman she wonders how her father made his money. March You can*t make a punctured friendship as good as new, A married man would rather |eat at a hut-tel anytime but he won't admit it. S2 Some fellers can't go out o' town fer a day without buyin' a red, white an' blue cane. 21 22 23 ai^IinpaJiag 24 QIt|urBlkag 25 3Frtbag 26 Saturday 27 Abe Martin's Almanack I wish somebuddy would make a new Republican speech. A delegate alius walks by a resturint three times before he goes in. S2 It often happens that a feller s useful- ness ends when his salary is raised. S2 A Californy man can't make a speech without boostin' th' natural resources of his state. S2 Uncle Niles Turners nephew from Rockville is visitin' at his home an* eatin' at th' hut-tel. March If ther s anything in a name a cigar manufacturer 11 git it out. S2 O^ Uncle Ez Pash has voted th' Dimmy- cratic ticket free o' charge all his life. S2 It must be nice t* live in th* city an' understand lawn mower jokes an' pick your milk off th' window sill. r^^ 28 29 30 Mf^ittraJiag 31 Abe Martin's Almanack A tireless party worker is a feller that's got t' make a livin' somehow. There seems t' be enough people that pretend t* like grand opery t* make it pay. Miss Fawn Lippincut says that when she feels discouraged an* all down an' out she jist thinks o' th* Thaw family an* cheers up. S2 Th* feller that paints his name on th* under side o* his umbrella never fergits his change. April 1 2 9aturlkag 3 Uncertain April, sunshine and showers, Soggy wet stockings and faded silk flowers. In the ancient Alban calen- dar, where the year was repre- sented as consisting of ten months of irregular lengths, April stood first with thirty-six days. When Numa Pompilius framed up a calendar he placed April in fourth place with twenty-nine days and so it re- mained until Julius Caesar's at- tention was called to it. He ordered a lot of new^ calendars struck off and April appeared thereon with thirty days. The first day of April is All Fools* Day and is consecrated to practical fooling in various Abe Martin's Almanack countries. The literature of the last century makes many allusions to the practices of the day. One journal says, "And so a bunch of giggling servant maids despatched a simple swain to the florist's for a crown's w^orth of electric light bulbs, etc., etc." It is quite popular in this country for ultra jocular per- sons to carry out some silly hoax on the unsuspecting and the day is often fraught with much merriment. April twenty-third is St. George's Day. If Gibbon's history of St. George may be trusted he was a toady and a four-flusher of the most finished type. He stalled around about 303, and in all the wide domain of the mythical, nothing has ever approached the preposterous- ness of his dragon story. Easter Day is always the first Sunday after the full moon, which happens upon or the next day after the twenty-first day of March; if the moon happens to be full on Sunday, Easter Day is the next Sunday thereafter. It is one of three great Festivals of the Christian year, the other two being Christmas and Whitsuntide. The old Easter customs that still linger vary considerably in form in different parts of the world. Egg-rolling, lifting and heaving, church going, parading, drinking and ball playing all come in for their share of attention. In this country it is considered quite an accomplish- ment to eat fifteen hard-boiled eggs at one sitting or to appear on the street clad in everything new^, including a parasol. For a husband and wife to appear together thus arrayed is the cause for much speculation. April A feller is often called thrifty when he's really broke. Th' feller that don't think o' nothin' but money kin always turn t' his relatives fer sympathy. Sunday 4 6 8 3Frtiag 9 &aturiag 10 A village reporter accosting a total stranger and securing a splendid item for the society page. Abe Martin's Almanack Two kin live cheaper than one — but that one never happens t' be th* feller youVe married. A pocket piece is th' nickel you hold out on your butcher t' ride home on when it rains. April THE ICE-CREAM CONE vs. THE LEGITIMATE CHANNELS OF TRADE By EX-CASHIER TELL BINKLEY Owing to the tendency of the times it is peculiarly difficult to foresee with any degree of accuracy what may happen in 1909. The year w^ill undoubtedly contain the usual twelve months and will comprise the latter part of the 1 33d and the beginning of the 1 34th year of American Independence and New Year's Day will be the 2.417.579th day since the beginning of the Julian Period. While it is generally conceded that the business stagnation which is general the country over as I write has been brought about by the President's crusade against dishonesty in high places, I have at hand many expres- sions to the con- trary by a multitude of distin- guished thinkers and men 11 12 13 14 15 IFriJiag 16 17 w^ell up m the coun- cils of the nation. It MR. BINKLEY is the opinion of some that the gulf stream is changing its course; that the Abe Martin's Almanack ice cream cone is taking millions out of the legitimate channels of trade; that the moral wave is causing many more thousands to be taken from the tills of the rumshops and conveying them into the hands of poverty stricken mothers and children, ^rho in turn place them with the nickel theater; that the abolition of the saloon in many localities has only caused many men to tighten up that paid their bills w^hen flushed with wine. In these calculations the argument is also made that the growing disposition to own an auto- mobile after making only one payment is in no small degree causing much uneasiness in business circles. Our panic has been a deplorable thing and to my own knowledge no less than eighteen hundred people were caught that had just made their first payment on a rug or piano. What will become of them unless confidence is restored is only to be conjectured. In the face of all the complications of the present time I do not deem it advisable to offer any prognostications bearing either on earthly or astronomical affairs. April Th* feller that leads a parade alius has t* borrow a hat. S2 Many a feller has killed his chances by wearin* a plug hat. S2 \^ It's nice t* live in a little town, where even a cow kin git her name in th' paper. 18 19 20 21 22 23 ^aluriag 24 April 21, 1908— Army circles shocked. Abe Martin's Almanack It's purty hard t' be interestin* without embellishin' th' truth a little. Mrs. Tipton Bud is gittin* t' be quite a writer. She sent three recipes t* th* newspapers last week that showed marked literary ability. S2 Misses Tawney Apple and Fawn Lip- pincut went t' Indynoplus t' see th' Red Mill an' set as close t' th' stage as if they'd been newspaper people. S2 Ther is so many empty houses up at Indynoplus that th' owners are gittin' so desperate that ther offerin' t' repaper th' hall with any four-cent pattern within reason t' th' right tenant. April Th' bank scare down our way has caused a spade famine at th* hardware store. A nickelodeon pianner player has been known t' go five days without food er water. S2 Th* ole fashioned girl that used t* make initial hat linin*s fer th' boys by lamp light after school has long since settled down, an*, al- though she is blind, she has only th* fondest mem- ories o* th* past. 25 Manhnu 26 27 WtintBhns 28 QII|ur0d{tg 29 3FriiaH 30 Abe Martin's Almanack It takes years o' idleness t' become a good checker player. There wuz a row up t' th' band room last night over th' campaign scale an' th* boys finally come t* blows. May Saturday 1 Bright smiling May, pink rhubarb and greens, We long for the forests, meadows and streams. It is pretty hard for people that have to move on the first day of May to associate any sentiment with the month in spite of the poet's songs of hawthorn blossoms and night- ingales. It is all right to read about "the dim figure of the angler, clad in gray, moving through the white mist that still lingers beside the river," but what most of us are inter- ested in is how^ to get the mahogany chiffonier down three flights of stairs and up four without knocking off the glass knobs. Abe Martin's Almanack In the olden times in rural England the May Day festivals, according to report, were most beautiful spectacles. Then the May Queen, the pick of the village beauties, arrayed in floral splendor, sat within a vine- clad arbor with a garland of poppies thrown carelessly across her knees, a crown of violets on her brow^ and her fingers crossed. She was the whole thing and as she watched the gaily bedecked dancers with a critical eye as they hopped around the May pole many a knock went up among them. There is a natural eagerness to hail May as a summer month, but it is well to remember the poet's w^ords and act accordingly. Says he — meaning underwear — "Change not the clout *Till May is out." May KATE BENDER 2 3 4 5 6 3Fr!&ag 7 ^aturbaB 8 In the early seventies the Bender family lived in a lonely spot in Labette County, Kansas, but not by agriculture. Their modest cabin lay flush with the old California trail, many miles from any other human habitation. To the weary traveler it loomed up like a skyscraper against the w^estern horizon as he trudged along in the soft light of the closing day. The pride of the Bender family w^ a s Kate, an only daughter. Kate had a low, thick brow and a massive chin and she could sniff a victim many hours before he knocked at the door for food and shelter. Seated before the hearthfire's ruddy glow the stranger would impart the latest new^s of the Greeley campaign and other matters back in the states while Kate rolled up her sleeves and stole upon him from the rear with her dogwood maul. Long before the cock's first saluta- tion to the morn, the guest, stripped of his valuables, lay buried in the kitchen garden. After several successful seasons j KATE" / Abe Martin's Almanack Kate went East where she was wooed and won, and spent the evening of her hfe in the quiet and peace of her home, refusing many flattering offers to go on the stEige. May Uncle Mort Hickman, nearly ninety- eight, after cuttin* and splittin' four cords o* wood yisterday afternoon, wuz found frozen stiff in th' lane leadin' t* th' house by his four sons, who had been attendin' a billiard tournament. In th* good ol* perlitical campaigns back in th* 70*s a feller worried more about where his next torch full o' coal oil wuz comin' from than he did about th' issues. 9 Mnttdag 10 11 12 QIi|itr0&Hg 13 14 15 V/ A village editor writing a stinging editorial on predatory wealth. Abe Martin's Almanack In th' winter th* end seat hog stands on th* rear platform with two suitcases. _ S2 After a country egg gits away from th' gentle influences o' home it soon falls in with a bad lot. Lots o* people insist on eatin' with a knife that wuz born with a silver spoon in their mouth. S2 Th* President that can't save enough out o* his salary t* retire on haint got as much sense as a councilman. S2 Aldrich Moon an' Tipton Bud have bought their garden seeds in pairtnership an* this summer they'll have split p>eas. May Some fellers lose everthing thro* bad management an' others go t' law. S2 Miss Fawn Lippincut says somebuddy ought t' invent a wireless mustache. Al Johnson talks o* sellin* his farm an' movin* t' town where there's some place t' loaf. 16 illoniiiaji 17 QIu^Biiiag 18 19 20 IFrftag 21 ^aturiag 22 May 19, 1908 — Army circles shocked. Abe Martin's Almanack It wuz mighty cold passin' th' church Sunday. Newt Plum's married dorter, up at In- dynoplus, says it's poor economy t' cook beets with 90-cent gas. u Th' weddin' over at th' Tilford Moots farm went off without a hitch Saturday night. Th' bridegroom didn* show up. S2 Tipton Bud is a great Bryan man. He says no other feller in th' party kin ap- proach him, an' Ez Pash says, that's th' trouble. S2 Mr. Mooty Spray is th' new clerk at th' Palace. He combs his hair like an acrobat an' is very pop'lar with th' trav- elin' public. May Pendycitis keeps off life insurance agents. After a girl gits her picture in a pho- tographer's window she haint much help t' her mother. Pinky Kerr wuz arrested in Indynoplus last week. He picked up an'^ Indianny novel an' couldn't put it down. 23 24 25 26 27 28 &alurbag 29 Abe Martin's Almanack Th' salaried man laughs last. Heads or tails, th' fur dealer always wins. S2 In panicky times never bank on any- thing you hear. We're alius disappointed when we see somebuddy we've heard so much about. Milt Dunston is running his farm single-handed since he bought a corn shredder. Th' hand that rocks th' cradle when th' card club meets also has somethin' t' do with keepin' th' world goin'. May One bad thing *bout interurban cars is that they fetch a lot o* people t' th' theater that don't git seated till nine o'clock. Rural mail delivery has put a stop t' th' ole-fashioned farmer that used t' hitch in front o' th' hardware store an' spend some money. r g>uttbag 30 31 Ahe Martin's Almanack Don't spend your money at home. Bring it down town. 'Bout th' biggest bore in th' business is th* feller that's jist got back from Chicago. Jun 1 2 3 4 Saturday 5 Warm, leafy June and perspiring young brides, Grooms that are worthy and grooms that are snides. June stands as the sixth month of the calendar and is marked by no real holidays or festivals. The Romans consid- ered June the most propitious season of the year to take on new responsibilities. When the warm spring even- ings come and the air is heavy with the odor of the bursting buds, young lovers are w^ont to emerge from the stuffy confines of the well lighted parlor and quietly settle down in the friendly shadows of the veran- da. The soft breath of the \ Abe Martin's Almanack awakening season gently soothes their feverish brows while they whisper tender avowals of sincerest love. Long before the porch is en- tirely hidden by vines they are engaged and in June their wedding follows. Glorious June, w^ith her flowers and leaves and excur- sion rates! A hot, sticky wedding trip in June is a fine thing — all the way to Niagara Falls in a yel- low day-coach. You are dressed in a tight, brownish - black suit and your shoulders are covered with dust; you are wearing a strange collar, too, and a large, brown stiff hat; your bride is pinned together in a blue traveling otitfit of green mulle. The first thing that catches her eye at "the Falls" is the photo studio and you have your pictures taken — you are holding a cigar and wondering what they are doing at home, and your bride stands hard by with a pasteboard fan in her hand and her underskirt showing; she timidly whis- pers to you "not to forget to send one to ^unt Hattie what give us the berry spoon." Long before you get back to your wife's home, where you w^ill reside from now on, a thousand things bob up before you that you never dreamed of before. You wonder how long your position will endure; if you could ever catch even again after a siege of double typhoid fever; how you will adjust yourself to stogies and ready-to-wear garments; why you did not wait at least a year longer. The old happy past looms up, and you remember how you used to go home in the evening and put on everything clean and come down tow^n and stand on the corner and smoke till it was June dark enough to call on her; how you whistled all the way home and how pleasantly you answered your mother when she called to you not to scratch matches on the hall wall- paper. You look at your wife. She is fast asleep and a smile plays about her pretty mouth. Her little feet are cocked up on a suitcase and a half eaten piece of cream pie lies in her lap. She is dreaming of the future. 6 7 8 9 QIt|urBliag 10 3Fn&ag 11 ^aturinag 12 June 9, 1908 — Army circles shocked. Abe Martin's Almanack Kentucky has poor feud laws. All th' world is a stage with Rocky- feller in th' box office an' Morgan on th' door. Young Lafe Bud has had his hair cut pompydour an* he looks like a scared cattypiller. A good many people are like ortomo- biles — the cheaper they are the more noise they make. /^ Everbuddy gits in on prosperity. Th' ' feller with somethin' t' sell gits in good, an' th' feller with somethin' t' buy gits 1 in bad. June THE STAGE Some Notable Player* Who Have Trod the Melodeon Hall Boards During the Current Season. 13 BY MISS GERM WILLIAMS No actress in our time has ever leaped into popular favor v^ith the agility of Hattie Le- Clair. Our theater-goers will remember her great naturalness and poise w^ith ever increas- ing fondness. As Myrtle, in "Marion Gray, or the Lost Heiress of Red Stone Hall," she grasped every requirement with determination and grace. It was my privilege during her engagement among us to sit directly behind two grocery salesmen from Dayton, Ohio, and it w^as, indeed, a pleasure to note the effect Miss LeClair's act- ing had on, them. One'^i^ would natur- ally suppose that they would b e calloused after seeing everything good in Union City, Sidney and Greenville, but such w^as far from being the case. They fairly raved over her acting, only going out once between acts. The climax of their ex- citement came during the scene 14 15 16 17 18 &aturJiag 19 HATTIE LE CLAIR AS MYRTLE Abe Martin's Almanack in the fourth act between Myrtle and Jack Carrington, the young squire, when she spurns him in no uncertain terms, saying as she tossed his ring into the grass, "Sir, I would rather be a poor sewing machine girl all my life than accept a favor from you!** When Carrington struck his boot with his riding whip and started to strangle her, the two Dayton salesmen grabbed their hats and rushed up the center aisle for. the stage door, vowing vengeance on the cowardly brute. During Miss Le Clair*s brief stay in our midst she hurriedly ran through the manu- script of Mr. Alex Tansey*s play, "The Slaves of Catarrh,'* and pronounced it full of splendid possibilities. \ Jun GYPSY DE VERNON For emotionalism, height, willowyness and volume, no actress seen at Melodeon Hall this season compares with Miss Gypsy De Vernon. She is blessed with all the require- ments for the portrayal of the various emo- tional roles in her ex- tensive repertoire and all are employed to their highest perfection and elegance. In "East Lynne, or the Elope- ment, an evening of ultimate laughter and tears," Miss De Vernon ^ easily disarmed the 20 21 22 23 SII|ura&ag 24 JFrtiag 25 26 GYPSY DE VERNON AS ILL-STARRED LADY ISABELLE lowbrows in the gallery and caused much sobbing among some of our best people. As the w^retched, ill-starred Lady Isabelle, she gave the character more beauty and girlish inno- cence than Mrs. Henry Wood ever dreamed of, and later, after her betrayal by that arch- villain, Sir Francis Levison, she Abe Martin's Almanack assumed more agony of heart and paleness of despair than has been seen here in a decade. Mr. Art Smiley, who es- / sayed the difficult role / of Sir Francis, is en- titled to much praise I for his splendid feats \ of contortion as the >Frog Man, between the fourth and fifth acts. Miss Gypsy De Vernon is the wife of Mr. Mil- ton Tyler, a prominent watchsmith of Givens, Nebraska, and their home life is ideal. While Miss DeVer- non's engagement here attracted many of our people to Melodeon Hall, w^ho expected to draw the barrel of flour, it* is safe to say that should she ever return, a full hall will greet her on her merits alone. ART SMILEY AS THE ARCH TRAITOR June RALPH DEARMOND Ralph DeArmond, or Al Thomas, as he is known in private life at Vincennes, is a notable example of thrift and earnestness in the realm of stage people. Mr. DeArmond's first real experience in professional life was in 1880 at Wapakoneta, Ohio, when he filled the buckets for Calendar's Georgia Minstrels at the age of fifteen. His parents were in the grocery business but they had lofty ideals and all arrangements had been made to set him up in the clergy. One dark night, when, at the close of a per- formance of Jay Rial's Uncle Tom's Cabin, he did not re turn to his home, the aw- ful truth daw^ned on them and young DeArmond was mourned as dead. That w^as the beginning of his splendid career. Early during the present season Mr. De- Armond appeared here with The Great Double Western Uncle Tom's Cabin, or Life Among the Lowly, Brass Band and Orchestra, and many of our people will recall his clear articulation when, as St. Clair in his scene w^ith Aunt Ophe- lia, he spoke these lines: "Ah, good Aunt, I shall gather the first that grow in the garden," his voice filling every crevice 27 28 29 30 RALPH DEARMOND AS ST, CLAIR Abe Martin's Almanack in Melodeon Hall. Mr. DeArmond's pale, finely chiseled features stood out among the jubilee singers in a manner that impressed all. His great thoughtfulness and bearing even followed him into the orchestra pit, vNrhere he played the second violin, except during twro scenes of the drama. July 1 JFrfdag 2 ^aturdag 3 Sultry July with her great celebrations. Firecrackers, music and young lawyers' orations. By common consent all over the northern hemisphere, July is allowed to be the hottest month of all the year. The day following the thira day of this month is known as the Fourth of July in this country. It is the anniversary of the Declaration of Independ- ence, which occurred on that date in 1 776. Since that time it has been customary to cele- brate the occasion throughout the United States. A salute is fired at sunrise, noon and evening from every fort, man- o'-w^ar and courthouse yard in Abe Martinis Almanack America on this day. In townsjwithout court- houses it is fired anyway. In communities where the saloon keepers and restaurant proprietors get together and work harmoniously the celebration is always a success. The band gets out and plays and the boys, decked out in their flashy uniforms, receive many a shy glance from the starched belles of the village and vicinity; the hook and ladder company makes a spurt or tw^o up and down Main street and stacks on the public square while some member, clad in home-made "tights," climbs the ladder with all the agility of a squirrel. The greased pole contest is easily the most enjoyable event on the program and the crowd fairly takes on a purple hue from convulsive outbursts of laughter. The speaker's stand is located exactly in the center of town in order that all of the storekeepers will have an equal chance. It is draped with cheap bunting and a picture of George Washington. The orator of the day is generally a young and struggling lawyer who had spoken for the honor months ahead — or at the time the saloon men first thought of having a celebration. He is arrayed in a glossy, tight-fitting Prince Albert and a white lawn tie, and when he rises to speak he shines like a trained seal. A number of early residents occupy seats on the stand and add materially to the tone and dignity of things. After trying to swallow a drink of water and nervously ar- ranging his manuscript the orator opens up with a brief review of our country's progress, being careful not to mix in any politics. By the time his collar wilts and sinks out of sight he tackles the ** Declaration," and the people walk away in twos and threes. July At eight p. m. sharp, the destruction of "$10,000 worth of fireworks," at a cost of $12.00, begins from the roof of the People's Bank, and the jollifying continues till the last Roman candle has been dodged and nobody is left but the " night constable." July fifteenth is St. Smithius' Day. If it rains on this day it will rain every day thereafter for forty days; and if it does not rain on this day it w^ill be dry for forty days thereafter. 4 5 6 7 StlptrB&ag 8 9 10 A village journalist whizzing through the congested traffic of a downtown street to his office to w^rite up the death of a cow. Abe Martin's Almanack JOHN BRIGHT On July twenty-first, 1809, John Bright was born in England. He was noted for his great bulk and appetite. It was no uncommon thing for him to enter a restaurant and order fifty dollars* worth of ham and eggs. At his death Mr. Bright weighed 9 1 5 pounds, or sixty-four stone, jockey weight. He was buried in a boxcar. ^r^ July THE CAREER OF PROFESSOR HARNER BY MISS TAWNEY APPLE Professor Clem Har- ner, the tireless and accommodating leader of the famous Brown County, Indiana, Cor- net Band, is a graduate of that most severe of all training schools, the circus. Beginning early in life with the old time caravan he continued as a cornet- ist w^ith a score of tented shows until the fall of 11 12 13 14 Qll{ur0&ag 15 IFrfdag 16 17 PROF. HARNER IN ACTKDN 1890, when he re- tired at Tombstone, Arizona. During his career with the sawdust arena, covering half a century, Mr. Harner says that the duties were so complex and varied that he only bathed three times and wrote home tw^ice. His close application to the cornet has so hardened his lips that he can not drink from a glass or pronounce a word of more than one syllable. During a political rally some years ago at Vevay, Indiana, Mr. Harner's \ band serenaded United States Senator Albert J. Beveridge at his hotel. On this occasion the Senator appeared on the balcony and dispersed the players with a neat speech of fifty-five words. Abe Martin's Almanack Broad rimmed black hats are still popular with Indians an' *cello players. It's cheaper t' marry a girl that can't play the pianner than it is t' do th' housework yourself. S2 Did you ever notice how relatives fight for th' custody of a rich uncle? An' th' more strokes he's had th' more bitter th' contest. S2 Mrs. Tilford Moots says that there's so many things she'd like t' have for Christ- mus that she don't know what t' git her husband. S2 Doctor Mopps says that calamity howlin' may be traced directly t' a con- dition o' th' liver although th' victim often attributes it t' th' times. July A fool and his money are soon spotted. S2 A feller with a cold in th' head should never try t' talk with a pipe in his mouth. No matter who or what you want t' find out in th' country youVe always got t' go till you come t' a red schoolhouse an' then turn t' th* right. 18 19 20 21 ®l|urHiag 22 JFrt&ag 23 24 July 21, 1908— Army circles shocked. Abe Martin's Almanack There's no harm in dancin* if you keep on dancin*. It*s easy t' work your way up in this country but it's hard on th' people you work. They make maple syrup out o' corncobs that you can't tell from th' adulterated. S2 Pinky Kerr answered an advertisement t'day fer a second hand violinist t' play "Uncle Tom." There's somethin' wrong with our pros- perity when ever' woman that goes downtown t' buy a fall hat comes home undecided. July Th* beauty o' balloon navigation is that you don't have t* wait in Galion, Ohio, while they change injines. S2 Constable Newt Plum's son-in-law says that his wife is either as mean as the dickens or havin' somethin' sent home on approval. 25 26 27 28 29 3Frtiag 30 9aturiiag 31 Abe Martin's Almanack Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a valuable asset if youVe poor or haven't any sense. It's a useless expense t' send out weddin' invitations if you're goin' t' live with your wife's folks. August 1 2 3 4 Qltiura&ag 5 3Fraag 6 9a!uri^ag 7 / August and ragweeds, hay fever takes hold. If you can't jingle money, you've just got a cold. August is the car shortage > month, and the merry songs of the harvest hands, as they drive out of town loaded down with jugs and plug tobacco, harmonize roughly with the peace and quiet of the lazy summer afternoon. It was believed by the Romans that the pre-eminent warmth of August had something to do with the rising and setting of the star Canicula — the Little Dog, therefore they conferred the name of Dog Days on the first eleven days of the month. 4. At eight o'clock, Friday morn- ing, August third, 1492, Chris- Abe Martin's Almanack topher Columbus pushed away from the public landing at Palos, Spain, and later discovered America. August sixth, 1623, Shakespeare's wife died; on the same date in 1848, a sea serpent was sighted off the Cape of Good Hope. Some time during the month of August, 1593, Isaac Walton, the patron saint of fisher- men, was born at Stafford, England. August, 1 794, the Duke of Sussex had his marriage annulled. August fifteenth, 1 738, Joe Miller, an actor and wit, passed to the dark beyond at St. Clement Dane's parish. August, 1778, the Duke of Devonshire stopped the famous Festival of Tutbury after the police had allowed it to run unmolested for four hundred years. August A feller should never lie about his salary t* th* girl he's goin* t' marry. u People that keeps their opinions t' themselves generally haven't got none. S2 Our new cannin' factory is advertisin' fer travelin' salesmen that don't play pool. 8 Mttnhug 9 10 11 August II, 1908— Army cir- cles shocked. 12 13 * 14 Abe Martin's Almanack A bad fittin' suit never wears out. S2 Th* feller that loses his head never seems t' miss it. What has become o* th* good ole / fashioned preacher that worked on th' I side ? Speakin* o' women, Tell Binkley said you never heard a man say, "there's nothin' in town I'd wear." zi Aunt Louisy Pash says th' delicate handiwork o' Jack Frost wuz plainly visible on her glass eye when she picked it up this mornin'. August Dollar wheat is good fer th* farmer an' what's good fer th' farmer is good fer th' pianoly salesman. S2 All that's necessary t' be a good country pustmaster is two reliable bonds- men an' a willin'ness t' lick stamps fer women. S2 15 16 17 18 QIt|ura&ag 19 20 21 Mrs. Tilford Moots give a kitchen shower fer her husband this mornin', one skillet strikin' him fair above the left eye. Abe Martin's Almanack When in doubt ask th* editur o* th' woman's page. S2 Jist as soon as a feller gits attached t* a pair o* shoes they break on th* sides. Many a man shines as a politician that ort t* be in th* rear ranks with a leaky torch. S2 Th* most affectin* scene in Prof. Alex Tansey*s new drammer is where th* husband sells th* ole home t* buy a new set o* tires an* the wife goes back t* her folks. Uncle Niles Turner got a pustal card t*day sayin* that his niece, who is eighty- nine years ole, had fallen an* hurt her spine. Owin* t* her advanced age th* doctor says she*ll never be able t* skate agin, even if she does git up. August Miss Tawney Apple is havin' her pale blue skirt evened up fer th' murder trial. S2 Some married men are happy an* others have t* go in thro' th* kitchen when it*s muddy. Young Lafe Bud says there's enough soft shoe dancers on th' vaudeville stage t' whip any nation on earth. 22 Manhas 23 24 25 26 27 28 S2 Insurance Agent Tell Binkley has only wrote one policy since th' beginnin' o' th' panic, an' that wuz an accident. ^^ Abe Martin's Almanack A feller with long whiskers hates t* carry a baby. Th' country seems t* be flooded with smooth nickels an* counterfeit blondes. S2 In years t' come it*s goin* t' be purty hard pickin' fer th* boy with nothin* but a five-cent the-ater education. S2 Constable Newt Plum's son-in-law is leadin* a double life. He chaws ter- backer an* his wife don't know it. Doctor Mopps is gittin* up a secret cure fer th* "Jist fine** habit. You kin administer it secretly in a nut sundae or on a powder rag. August A double Uncle Tom's Cabin Com- pany is twice as bad. S2 Th* feller that takes lemonade soon gits drowned out o* th' conversation. While th' popularity o* th' toupee has ruined th' skull cap industry it has greatly stimulated th' demand fer ole gray bosses. S2 &utt&atj 29 30 31 Professor Alex Tansey talks some o' makin' a tour o' the New England States this fall with a view o' writin' a Indianny novel. Abe Martin's Almanack Even th* Vanderbilts can't live happily together. r-^^,; Miss Tawney Apple's aunt has jist got a devorce on th' grounds o' desertion an' failure t' pervide. Her husband is a great fisherman. September 1 2 3 Saturday 4 September, the month of the old county fair, "One more an* we'll start," is heard here and there. When Julius Caesar reformed the calendar he gave Septem- ber a thirty- first day, which Augustus subsequently took from it, and so it has remained in ninth place with thirty days. In September, 150-, Dick Tarleton was born of peasant origin. He w^as a well-known sixteenth century tavern keeper. His hostelry was not equipped w^ith all of the flubdubs of the modern hotel, but he had sev- eral good outside rooms and never served float. Dick was a natural comedian and the Abe Martin's Almanack dusty traveler commenced to laugh as soon as he took up the quill to register — often going into convulsions and dying before the ink vsras dry. His comedy flashes were the talk of the day. At about the time Tarleton was at the height of his fame, Queen Elizabeth w^as hav- ing more trouble than an east-bound tramp. Busy, indeed, was she conspiring and counter- conspiring, directing the Armada, keeping a line on Mary and Babington and w^atching her political fences. One evening while she was standing in front of Tarleton's hotel, talk- ing to a traveling salesman, the conversation led up to a hot one that Dick had pulled off a short time before in the billiard room. So pleased was she with the landlord's humor that she fixed it up with her friend to bring about an introduction to the noted wit, after which she arranged with Tarleton to brush up a lot of gags and entertain her daily during the evening meal for a handsome considera- tion, payable at the beginning of each week. Later, poor Tarleton went on the stage, but his career was cut short by the plague, he not getting the usual two w^eeks' notice. His wife, who was a high flyer, was not mentioned in his will. September twenty-nine is Michaelmas Day. To eat a goose on this day, according to an old superstition, means that you will be pros- perous for the whole of the ensuing year. September twenty, 1815, William Hutton, the Birmingham, England, publisher, was born. Biography records scarcely a finer in- stance of industry and economy leading their September possessor out of the most unpropitious cir- cumstances to honor and affluence. Hutton's father was a man who could drink or leave it alone, so William was early set to work, walking fourteen miles to his task and carry- ing his dinner, which consisted of a cold buckw^heat cake. I 5 6 7 8 Qltiuraitag 9 3Friiag 10 i^atur&aii 11 September 8, 1908 — Army circles shocked. Abe Martin's Almanack Th* Pash*s have quit trading at Mat AngeFs grocery. Mat told *em he wuzn*t keeping a diary. S2 Th* husband that uncomplainingly eats what's set before him may live more peacefully but not as long. S2 Some fellers think that 'cause their wife kin run a can opener successfully she's a wonderful housekeeper. S2 Tilford Moots' wife wuz down town t'day looking all pale an' run down. She's been kept close to home fer three weeks waitin' fer th' paper hangers t' show up. September 12 illonliiag 13 14 15 16 JFrffiag 17 &alurbag 18 RELATION OF THE TURNIP TO EARLY JOURNALISM IN INDIANA BY HON. EX-EDITOR CALE FLUHART The turnip played no unimportant part in the estabUshment of the news- paper in Indiana. I can remember very distinctly wrhen the unnutritious vegetable readily passed as legal tender in the transactions attendant on the publication of a paper ^ and it was no uncommon 't thing for a sturdy back- woodsman or a thrifty squaw to enter my MR. FLUHART «- rl W r. r i a 1 AS HE APPEARED WHEN cuiioriai THE FATE OF AMERI- sanctum CAN JOURNALISM jingling HUNG IN THE •!i . ^ * BALANCE, their tur- nips and leaving their names for a year's subscription. 4- In 1830 I issued a neat pamphlet entitled, "Nine Uses of the Turnip," which sold readily for ten turnips per copy. 4. It w^as no easy task in those days to print a paper that pleased the Indians. You might please a few of them part of the time and a part of them a few of the times, but it was really a triumph to print Abe Martin's Almanack a nice, newsy sheet that thoroughly satisfied / them any time. An Indian lady belonging to / a prominent Mac-o-Chee family once publicly \ cow-hided me for failing to include her among \ a number of successful contestants at a scalp- ing party. \ 4. The "Society and Personal" page had to be conducted with the greatest watchfulness, as much jealousy existed among the various Indian clubs. The early Indiana editor manufactured his own type rollers, using a combination of New Orleans sorghum and glue. In bringing a jug full of sorghum from New Orleans it was necessary to have an armed escort at great cost to insure prompt and safe delivery as the Indians were passionately fond of it, and a man suspected of having sor- ghum in his possession was soon marked. The type rollers were made many thousands of feet under ground, and great precaution was taken to prevent the fumes of the boiling sorghum from penetrating the forest fastness. It was a process which called for much bravery and hardship. 4. The mechanical devices for printing a news- paper in the early twenties were primitive in- deed. Once when my press broke down I had to wait almost two years for repairs to be brought across the mountains on pack mules. When overtaken by such catastrophes it was September my rule to print the paper on a cider press, using a thick, black butter made from wild crab apples for ink. In those days newsgathering facilities were practically unknown. I often held my press months at a time w^aiting for the fleix quota- tions from Philadelphia, in which the Indians took deep interest. 19 20 One dark night in 1828, I was sitting in my sanctum counting turnips, when my attention was called to a light tap on the door. Sud- denly it opened and I found myself looking into the bright razor-edged muzzle of a toma- hawk held above the head of a tall, raw-boned, smooth- shaven Cherokee Indian. His eyes flashed fire and a strong odor of slumgullion hovered about him. He at once took a copy of last week's paper and pointed to a news item about an affair that had happened at West Liberty, Ohio, four years before. With great pres- ence of mind I coldly reached for my editorial scissors and carefully clipped the article referred to and threw it into the waste basket. This pleased him mightily and he left turnips enough for two years* subscription and even ordered the paper sent regularly to a sister living in Iowa. 21 WthmBtia^ 22 23 3Frfftag 24 25 Speaking of the Indians* fondness for molasses reminds Abe Martin's Almanack me of the exasperating tricks sometimes played by them. They frequently gathered in the press room to watch the process of print- ing and I recall how my pressman would fly into a rage w^hen he w^ould find an Indian idly whittling a roller with his scalping knife and devouring the morsels with much pleas- ure and gusto. In dealing with great national questions I invariably sought the counsel of the most in- fluential Indian chiefs, thereby safeguarding myself against bodily injury and making many new subscribers. September A word t' th' wise is unnecessary. sz A burlesque troupe played at Melodeon Hall last night with five people an' a large chorus. / Tilford Moots' wife says that all she's ever got out o' twenty years o' married life wuz th' last word. 26 27 28 29 QIt;urB&a|| 30 sz Th' farmer that talks o' sellin' out an' goin' West should remember that th' pictures in th' railroad books were taken in the summer. Abe Martin's Almanack Speakin' o* bull luck, Lafe Bud ordered eggs at th' hut-tel yisterday an' they brought him steak. Hon. Ex-Editor Cale Fluhart says that confidence is an intangible somethin' that only those who have somethin* t' sell are conscious of. October 1 i^aturdag 2 -«-^ Then comes October, mellow and brown, Farmer and pumpkins start early for town. October is the yellow month and it is tinged with melan- cholia for several reasons which are thoroughly understood by the average salaried man. October twenty-five is St. Crispin's Day. St. Crispin and his brother, Crispiman, toured France in 287, preaching the gospel in the daytime and making shoes at night. Harry Rowe, of York, was a character in his day who Abe Martin's Almanack lost no opportunity to get into the news- papers. He held a job around the courthouse for many years and played the B flat cornet in an orchestra. He also distinguished him- self as a trumpeter at the battle of Culloden, Upon leaving the army he opened a puppet show and sold tickets with one hand and took them in with the other. He also posed as the author of Macbeth with fine success, his fellow townsmen not getting onto the fake until after his death. He went on a note for a friend and died in the poorhouse early in October, 1800. Some days after his death it was learned that the manuscript he carried about with him had been purchased from a candle snuffer at the old Globe Theater. However, Mr. Rowe really did write a musical comedy called "No Cure, No Pay," which caused much consternation among cancer specialists. The evening of October thirty-one is Hal- lowe'en or Nut Crack Night. It is clearly a relic of pagan times but is still very popular. It is a night set apart for walking about and playing harmless pranks, such as placing the hotel omnibus on top of the Baptist church or plugging the milkman's pump. On this night, too, young maidens, wishing to know if their sweethearts are on the square or only romancing, try out all sorts of silly tests, such as going to bed with a fried egg in the right hand, or, upon disrobing for the night, to throw their rat over their left shoulder. Should it alight in the powder box, according to super- scition the face of their true love will appear in a Peruna ad on the following day. October Lodge work is th* only kind lots o' fellers ever tackle. Nobuddy takes as much interest in his business as a pawnbroker. S2 Tipton Bud*s nephew is gittin* t* be quite a man. He kin drink a glass o' water without takin* th' tobacco out o' his mouth. . 3 4 5 6 QIt|ura&ag 7 8 &atur&ag 9 U In discussin* our foreign exchange yisterday at Me- lodeon Hall, Miss Fawn Lippincut said that an American girl with money shouldn't have no more use fer a husband than a coun- try editur has fer a depot wagon. Abe Martin's Almanack ^ You'll alius find a retired farmer hangin' around a bank. S2 I don't see no advantage in home- grown strawberries at Tennessee prices. S2 Once in a long time some boy turns out well that wouldn't go t* school, but it*s very rare. Tell Binkley*s nephew is home from college. He won the 220-yard dash, but he don't seem any brighter. S2 Some long-tongued w^omen imagine ther popular when as a matter o* fact, folks er only afraid o' them. S2 One good thing about ownin' an auto is that you don't have t' climb up an' throw down a lot o' hay every night after you git back. October It's purty hard t* act natural with a plug hat on. Photography is a profession with some people an* disease with others. S2 Tilford Moots struck his wife yisterday an' now he*s busy try in* t* keep it out o' th* card clubs. 10 mnnftag 11 12 13 Qll^ura&ag 14 JFrt&ag 15 16 October 13, 19 08 — Army circles shocked. Abe Martin's Almanack If a tramp don't steal what he wants he asks fer it. S2 A sensible, dignified girl never attracts a feller that would rock a boat. S2 City folks would never know nothin 'bout George Washington's birthday if th' the-aters didn't boost th' matinee prices. S2 Miss Fawn Lippincut says that as fond as she is o' society she alius sets two even- in's aside fer herself durin' th' young onion season. Young Lafe Bud will be married agin t'morrow. He et a hearty breakfast this mornin' an' spent an' hour with his preacher, but he shows no signs o' weakenin'. October Nothin*s ever said 'bout who paid fer th' coffee your mother used t* make. S2 A sensible woman in society is *bout as much out o* place as a bow-legged man in a drill. y Hon. Ex-Editor Cale Fluhart lectured on th' "Moral Wave" at Melodeon Hall last night t* a well filled audience. 17 18 19 20 21 3Fribag 22 ftaturiiag 23 sz ./ r^s One disadvantage 'bout livin' in a little tow^n is that ever time you poke your nose out o' th' door you see th' same blonde girl comin' out o' th' pustoffice. Abe Martin's Almanack People still ask fer four seats on th* end o* th' sixth row. S2 It's purty hard t' make change fer a loaf o' bread with your mittens on. S2 Th* feller that asks if th' empty seat next t' you is occupied still travels. S2 You kin git a purty fair idea of a feller by his location in a group photergraf. Lettin' th' other feller worry 'bout your debts is one o' th' most popular brands o' optimism. S2 Prof. Clem Harner is a liberal feller. If he's got three se-gars he smokes one an' keeps two himself. October You kin tell purty much about a new acquaintance by th' people he asks about. S2 A girl with a retreatin' chin should never wear a bow on th' back o' her neck. S2 Constable Newt Plum's married daughter treated her hired girl like one o' th' family an' she quit. 24-31 25 26 27 28 29 30 S2 Miss Fawn Lippincut did not sing at th* social last night. She*s takin' vocal by mail an' th* pustoffice closed before she got down town. Abe Martin's Almanack Politics makes strange bed fellers an' ruins lots o' hut-tel carpets. Miss Germ Williams is jist a natural born artist an' draws portraits on ruled paper so she kin keep th' ears even. November 1 2 3 4 3Fr!bag 5 6 Leafless November, elections galore. Jubilant candidates and candidates sore. November was styled by the ancient Saxons Wind-Monat, or Wind Month. The first Tuesday after the first Monday in November is an election day of some sort in practically every city and hamlet in the Union. In closely contested rural districts an American election is a beautiful affair. Red-nosed grafters fix up deals in the box stall at the livery stable ; stern- visaged inspectors pace to and Abe Martin's Almanack fro in front of the voting places; excited men with faces flushed with strong drink run in and out of the alleys; repeaters steal along in the shadows of the buildings; long-legged newspaper reporters rush from one precinct to another, eager for any figures that will forecast the result; tottering old men are rushed to the polls in conveyances of every description; clean cut business men walk to their homes on the opposite side of the street ; broad shouldered marshals with dyed mustaches and dangerous looking canes stand with their backs to the saloons while the work of electing a clean ticket proceeds. After the last dollar has been placed in the hand of the independent voter and the last beer keg tipped on end the polls close and the task of counting up and throwing out proceeds. Early in the evening the pop- ulace begins to gather in the criminal court room or the opera hall to hear the returns read aloud. Frequently "grapevines" are freely interspersed, adding much good- natured fun to the pandemonium and caus- ing many really beaten reform candidates to remain up until a late hour. The festival of Thanksgiving comes down the centuries from the Pilgrim Fathers of Ply- mouth, and was instituted by Governor Brad- ford, November, 1621, in gratitude for a good harvest and the safe arrival of ships from England with supplies. In 1 862 the proclama- tion of President Lincoln made it a national festival, and fixed the date as the last Thurs- day in November. I November After you break a dollar it haint long till you're borrowin' agin. It's purty hard t' think that everything is fer th' best when it rains on circus day. U Country women still scare at ortomo- biles but ther bosses scarcely notice em any more. ^y 7 8 9 U^httPBbag 10 11 JFrtbaii 12 &aturl^ag 13 S2 It don't look very good fer th' steady revival o* busi- ness t' see th' new^spapers filled with recipes fer creamed carrots. Abe Martin's Almanack " Barn storms " are caused by excessive walkin' an' irregular eatin'. S2 It's purty hard t' choose between woolen underwe£u: an' buckwheat cakes. S2 Tilford Moots' niece is visitin' him from Paris, lUinoy. I guess Paris is quite a town. She says " Way Down East " has been there eight times an' Bryan five. Constable Newt Plum's son-in-law up at Indynoplus has opened a cut-rate meat shop fer salaried people. sz Lots o' things go like hot cakes that are just as fer reachin' in their bad effects. November Two purty girls soon tall out. S2 When a witness breaks down an' th' defendant weeps, justice generally loses out. S2 No woman ever laces so tight she can't eat two dollars' worth after th' show. S2 14 15 16 WtbmBiu^ 17 UiiinrBhn^ 18 19 &aturiag 20 It haint no trouble t* git along with a woman if you leave your opinion on the gate pust with your pipe. Abe Martin's Almanack Th' merry widder's husband must a been insured. S2 A candidate give Uncle Elz Pash a reg'lar ten-cent se-gar t'other day — but it wuz broke. When Mrs. Tilford Moots wants some- thin' she can't git she alius says she'd rather invest th' money in somethin' else. sz Constable Newt Plum's son-in-law an' his wife occupy one-half of a four-room flat an' th' radiators occupy th' other half. S2 Tell Binkley got a campaign se-gar at Shelbyville t'other day that wuz so hard he had t' rub th' end off on a stone window sill. November Some fellers git credit fer bein' con- servative when ther only afeerd o' hurtin' ther business. S2 Some girls paint an' others have a straight flush. S2 All th' world loves a lover except th* girl's father. Sunday 21 22 WtxtBhug 23 24 QU|urabag 25 Jffribag 26 daturbag 27 November 24, 1908— Army circles shocked. Abe Martin's Almanack A populist candidate gits th' straw vote. Th' best absent treatment is a letter full o* money. S2 A long tongued dressmaker never gits th' June orders. Nobuddy is as helpless as a confirmed batchelor after his mother dies. S2 A counter irritant is a feller that has jist paid fer a one-rib roast. 'Bout th' only thing long whiskers er good fer is t' hide Christmus neckties. S2 Constable Newt Plum will vote th' Dimmycratic ticket this fall jist out o* curiosity. I November Enforced idleness an' a pleasant wife jist suits some fellers. ^ Th' trouble *bout a baby in th* house is havin' t* read down town. n ril bet th' hardest thing 'bout prize fightin' is pickin' up yer teeth with a )' boxin' glove on. 28 29 30 SZ Th* financial scare has caused so msuiy folks down our way t' bury ther money that th' township looks like a prairie dog village. Abe Martin's Almanack Th' ingredients used in makin* a good resolution don't cost nothin' an* anything that don't cost nothin' soon rubs off. Tilford Moots' niece from Clyde, Ohio, has took down sick at his home. She is a mute, so they sent fer a hoss doctor. December 1 2 3 4 Snowy December sweet Christmas- time brings, Cheap manicure sets and bright, phony rings. Dark December brings with him the shortest day and the longest night. The Germans love to speak of this month as Christmonat. Johann Wolfgang Theophilus Mozart, the composer, died in December, 1 792, at the age of thirty-six. While yet in his mother's arms young Mozart could and did play the accord- ion. At the age of four years he composed little airs that were quickly caught up and whistled broadcast. The sen- sibility of his organs appears Abe Martin's Almanack to have been excessive — one bum note and he would slam the door and throw a fit on the lawn. The blast of a trombone w^as particularly irritating to him, invariably caus- ing him to crawl under a bureau and there remain until the parade was out of sight. He w^as a marvelous piano player and easily the musical wonder of Europe. When a mere babe his father carried him about the coun- try, exhibiting him and keeping the money. At Milan, 1770, an opera composed by Mozart at the age of fourteen was produced and (given a run of twenty nights. He played the piano so constantly that his hands be- came useless when employed in any other way, consequently he was as much of a charge as an emotional actress. J. On December twenty-fourth comes Christ- mas eve — the eve before Christmas. It is then that the finishing touches are put on the great preparations for the gladdest festival of all the year. •?• The odor of a new toy brings back all the memories of childhood at Christmas time. The little stocking hanging from the mantel- shelf; our joys and disappointments; our firm belief in Santa Claus and our wonder over how he ever reached the roof with his sledge and how he could manage to get through the chimney with his enormous pack; how our mothers settled these vexatious questions to our full satisfaction, and when, at last, some boy at school exploded the whole illu- sion, how chagrined w^e felt. With the joyous Christmas season comes a longing that fills the breasts of countless De cember thousands — a longing to be back home again. | Even to him who has long been lost to its i sweet influences, to the most abject and piti- ful wanderer, come visions of a happy child- ( hood, heart-choking recollections of someone I near and dear back in the mist of years — an irresistible desire to be back again, some- where, some place. ( What is more beautiful than a Christmas reunion at home where the hand of death has been merciful and the little flock, scat- tered for years, gathers again under the old roof — mother, father and all the children ? 5 6 7 WthmBhuQ 8 9 10 ^atur2tag 11 \V You have been in the West for years and it has been a constant struggle for existence. You are on the road home for Christmas and you are bring- ing a young wife with you — Annie. The railroad fare has cost all that you have been able to save, but how happy you are! Annie w^onders if your mother will like her and how your brothers and sisters will look. You gather your bags and parcels together and put on your wraps many miles from your destination, so eager are you. How slow the train runs ! A tired looking woman, dressed in dingy black, with two small, sticky children, sits just across the aisle from you. They are imbedded in empty paper bags and orange peel- ings, and the mother's hair is Abe Martin's Almanack coming down. The forlorn looking trio was put aboard the train Vay back in Nebraska by a rough, sullen looking man who did not even kiss the little ones good-bye or utter one single gentle word to the woman. Annie wonders where they are going and if anyone Vwill be glad to see them. At last you reach your destination and your father pushes his way through the crowd of curious, felt-booted villagers to greet you. Father has not changed much. A little dash of white here and there in his shaggy ys^hiskers, and the shoulders of his overcoat have turned a yellowish brown, but he is still strong and hearty. The old surrey is hitched behind the grain elevator where Lizzie can't see the cars. You all climb in and are soon rolling along the rough country road. You notice so many changes in the advertisements on the barns. The tall oaks that stood about Hiram Green's house have been cut away and sold. There are no doors or windows in the old Williams home — the folks are all dead and gone. A sudden turn in the road and you can see your home nestled among the cedars on the Jhill. A woman is walking slowly down the hill. As you draw near you notice how white and frail she looks, how thin and unsteady her hand is as she unfastens the gate. It is your mother. She wanted to be the first to embrace you. Presently your brothers and sister are about you, and what a welcome ! Annie feels easier now. You all walk up the hill to the house — a tall, thin, unpainted house with a summer kitchen, but the curtains are as white as the driven snow. Brother Jim doesn't look very prosperous, and when he awkwardly bends over you and whispers that "your wife is all right," you D ecember catch a faint odor of cloves. Poor Jim has always been mother's favorite. You can't quite figure out sister Nell's hair, but she strikes you as being a stunning looking wo- man. Nell is a trimmer in the city and she does the buying at the Spring and Fall dis- plays. She opens Annie's eyes when she tells of the wonderful profits on flowers and feathers. Brother Henry has told his house some sort of a story in order to get home from Duluth to reune. Henry is your father's favorite and travels on the road and gets a salary and a commission, too. He belongs to all the lodges and looks fine and single. He tells your father that he is going to take him down East some time and show him a few things, but father only laughs. 12 13 14 15 QIl|urBl^ag 16 17 daturbag 18 You take a peep in the par- lor and the old musty smelly is still there. Nothing has been changed since the children went away. The glass cane is^ in its accustomed corner near the column stove and the curi- ous little box made of var- nished peach seeds still sets off the center table. How it caught your eye when you were a child ! You open it, and on the underside of the lid, pro- tected by glass, is a lock of chestnut hair — your mothers hair. The odd cabinet con- tains old, faded daguerreotypes in clumsy cases, held secure by brass hooks. You gently close the door and join the family. The heat from the sit- ting-room fireplace has had its Abe Martin's Almanack effect on Jim and he sleeps peacefully on the padded settee. You all go in to dinner with- out him. 4. The old, two -leaf table can scarcely stand under the weight of dark colored preserves in heavy glass dishes of primitive design. The same big blue tureen with which your mother went into business is on the board filled with mashed potatoes. The castor and the bone- handled butter knife — every familiar object, everything you used to like, is there. You are eating at home again. After dinner you all walk out to the barn, father ahead, to see the new calf — all except mother. By three o'clock she has the dining- room and kitchen " tidied " and slowly climbs up stairs to her room for a little rest — the same low, back bedroom, overlooking the cur- rant bushes and the smokehouse. D ecem ber Two is company an' three is relatives. S2 Dr. Mopps ordered a change o' climate fer Miss Tawney Apple but up t' noon it hadn't come. S2 No wonder th' girl that's with th* same feller four er five nights a week alius wants t' waltz with somebuddy else. Sunday 19 Mnnhws 20 21 22 23 24 ^aturlnag 25 December 22, 1908 — Army circles shocked. Abe Martin's Almanack Th' day is gone by when you had t' lead a girl t' th* altar. S2 Dock Mopps injured his spine by steppin* in a money hole Saturday. S2 Th* boarders at th* New Palace hut-tel are gittin* up a blanket remonstrance. You kin generally tell how guilty a feller is by th* sort o' lawyer he hires. Toadyin' after somebuddy that's influ- ential is a never failin* sign o* inferiority. Married life haint so bad after you git so you kin eat th* things your wife likes. S2 A woman never asks her husband how he likes her hat 'till it*s too late t' kick. December One swallow kin not make a Spring but three blonde milliners kin. S2 A long haired leader is never stingy with his music. S2 It sometimes happens that our most earnest party workers are fellers that have t' move so often they never git t' vote. S2 26 27 28 29 SIIjurBiaa 30 3^nbag 31 No matter how unap- proachable a feller's char- acter may be he never hesitates t' ride on some- buddy else's transfer or add two or three thousand t' th' population o' his home town. Abe Martin's Almanack Most husbands are silent partners. Every girl would like t* be fat no mat- ter what she says. A feller that leads a twenty-payment life generally welcomes th' end. S2 True contentment consists in not wor- rying about th' first of each month. S2 Ther buryin' th' wires at Boonville, Indianny, on account o' th' merry widder hats. S2 I don't see what some o' our spring candidates expect to gain by havin' their pictures printed. While talking 'bout th' stage last night at th' harness shop Clem Harner said he'd never fergit ole Fogg's Ferry 'cause he paid t' git in. YA 0874 S ^ 3>