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 JC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRA 
 
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 «|i! jl I 1 
 
 ^ 1
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 RULES OF CONDUCT
 
 The 
 
 Cynic's Rules of 
 
 Conduct 
 
 BY 
 CHESTER FIELD, Jr. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA 
 
 HENRY ALTEMUS COMPANY
 
 Copyright, 1905, by 
 Henry Altemus 
 
 Entered at Stationers' Hall
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 GO to the Aunt, thou 
 sluggard, and offer her 
 ten off on your legacy for spot 
 cash. 
 
 pHE difference between a bad 
 break and a faux pas in- 
 dicates the kind of society you 
 are in. 
 
 (7) 
 
 2067304
 
 TH E CYNIC'S 
 
 WHEN alone in Paris 
 behave as if all the world 
 were your mother-in-law. 
 
 f 8)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 REMEMBER, too, that 
 perhaps you are not the 
 sort of husband that Father 
 used to make. 
 
 *V7"OU may refer to her cheeks 
 as roses, but the man who 
 sends her American beauties will 
 leave you at the post. 
 
 (9)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 A woman should dress to 
 make men covetous and 
 women envious. 
 
 (IO)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 EVEN Cupid crosses his 
 fingers at what he hears 
 by moonlight. 
 
 AFTER marriage you may 
 speak of her temper; but 
 during courtship you had better 
 refer to it as temperament. 
 
 do
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 w 
 
 HEN dinners entice thee 
 consent thou not. 
 
 (12)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 THE position of the hostess 
 should be at the doorway 
 of the drawing-room to receive 
 her guests. The position of her 
 husband should be at his office 
 desk making the money to pay 
 for the blow-out. 
 
 TT is safer to do business with 
 jailbirds than with relatives. 
 
 (13)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 DISCUSS family scandals 
 before the servants. We 
 should always be kind to the 
 lower classes. 
 
 (14)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 WHEN children paw a 
 visitor's gown with their 
 candied fingers the proper ob- 
 servation for the mother to 
 make is: "My children are so 
 affectionate." 
 
 DE PRIM AND your servants 
 before your guests. It shows 
 your authority. 
 
 (15)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 THE chief duty of the best 
 man is to prevent the 
 groom from escaping before the 
 ceremony. 
 
 (16)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 IN marching up the aisle to 
 the altar the bride carries 
 either a bunch of flowers or a 
 prayer book. Her father carries 
 a bunch of money or a cheque 
 book. 
 
 (~)N returning from the altar 
 be careful not to step on the 
 bride's train. There's trouble 
 enough ahead without that. 
 
 (17)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 DON'T blow your own 
 horn when you can get 
 some one else to blow it for you. 
 
 ( 18 )
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 KEEP your servants in good 
 humor, if you can — but 
 keep your servants. 
 
 yOUR conduct in an elevator 
 should be governed by cir- 
 cumstances. Should the lady's 
 husband remove his hat keep 
 yours on. Should he fail to 
 remove it, take your hat off. 
 This will embarrass him. 
 
 (19)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 NEVER put in the collec- 
 tion box less than ten per 
 cent, of the amount you tip 
 your waiter at luncheon. 
 
 (20)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 y^T afternoon funerals wear 
 JLjL a frock coat and top hat. 
 Should the funeral be your own, 
 the hat may be dispensed with. 
 
 TT is never in good taste to 
 indulge in personal pleasant- 
 ries, such as referring to a lady's 
 artificial teeth as her collection 
 of porcelains. 
 
 (21)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 BEWARE of the man who 
 never buys a gold brick. 
 The chances are that he sells 
 them. 
 
 (22) 
 
 rt
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 INDORSE checks about two 
 inches from the end. Don't 
 indorse notes at all. 
 
 T^TO house should be without 
 its guest-chamber. Besides 
 giving one's home an air of 
 hospitality, it makes an admirable 
 store-room for dilapidated furni- 
 ture and unspeakable pictures. 
 
 (23)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 THERE is only one worse 
 break than asking a woman 
 her age: it is looking incred 
 ulous when she tells it. 
 
 (24)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 IT is not good form to re- 
 hearse your domestic diffi- 
 culties in public, but it is mighty 
 interesting to your auditors. 
 
 T^TEVER leave a guest alone 
 
 for a moment. Force your 
 
 entertainment upon him even 
 
 if you have to use chloroform. 
 
 (35)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 IF you would have a serene 
 old age never woo a girl 
 who keeps a diary. 
 
 (»6)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 WHEN you are inclined to 
 be haughty, remember 
 that a cook in the kitchen is 
 worth two in the employment 
 office. 
 
 A chef is a cook who gets a 
 L salary instead of wages. 
 
 (37)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 IT is better form for a bride 
 to take her wedding journey 
 with the groom than with the 
 coachman. 
 
 (28)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 UNDER no circumstances 
 associate with persons who 
 wear detachable cuffs. Such 
 men are usually trying to get 
 rich at the expense of the 
 washerwoman. 
 
 TIT HEN crossing the Atlantic 
 no gentleman will rock 
 the boat. 
 
 (39)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 TAKE care of the luxuries 
 and the necessities will 
 take care of themselves. 
 
 (3°)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 THOSE who live in glass 
 houses should be polite 
 to reporters. 
 
 "117* HEN in a hurry to get to 
 the poor house, take the 
 road that leads through the 
 bucket shop and passes the race 
 track. 
 
 (3i)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 c 
 
 ONDENSED milk should 
 be used in a small flat. 
 
 02)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 TELL your rich relations 
 how fast you are making 
 money — your poor ones, how 
 fast you are losing it. 
 
 TN taking soup try not to give 
 others the impression that the 
 plumbing is out of order. 
 
 (33)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 ■WMHMDIiMWiMMIIHHMHBi 
 
 WHEN giving a studio tea, 
 remember that there 
 should be soft lights and hard 
 drinks. 
 
 (34)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 ESCHEW the race- track 
 and the roulette table. 
 Faro is a squarer game than 
 either. 
 
 1JEWARE of indiscriminate 
 charity. You will never get 
 your name in the paper by giving 
 a tramp the price of a meal. 
 
 (35)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 B 
 
 EFORE marriage the 
 fashionable tint for eye- 
 
 g 
 
 asses is rose 
 
 ft 
 
 alter marriage 
 
 smoked glasses should be worn. 
 
 (36)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 IF you would make a lifelong 
 friend of a man who lives 
 in a hall bedroom, accuse him 
 of leading a double life. 
 
 ]VTO sportsman will shoot craps 
 during the closed season. 
 
 ( 37)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 COMPLIMENTS paid a 
 woman behind her back 
 go farthest and are remembered 
 longest. 
 
 ( 38)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 Avoid having business re- 
 „ lations with a man whose 
 I. O. U. is not as good as his 
 note; but take his note by 
 preference. 
 
 TXTHEN playing poker, it is 
 as bad form to wear a 
 coat as it is to be shy. 
 
 (»)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 THE father gives the bride 
 away, but the small brother 
 would like to. 
 
 (40)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 IN the best society it is con- 
 sidered snobbish to wear a 
 disguise when entertaining 
 country cousins. Simply take 
 them to places where you will 
 not encounter your friends. 
 
 AT the tables of the very 
 wealthy, brook trout have 
 given place to gold fish. 
 
 (40
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 TO get on in society a 
 woman should cultivate 
 repose — and a few prominent 
 social leaders. 
 
 (43 )
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 WHEN angry count ten 
 before you speak. When 
 "touched" count one thousand 
 before you lend. 
 
 F N entering a crowded car, a 
 
 lady should leave the door 
 
 open. It is quite permissible for 
 
 her to appropriate the seat of 
 
 the man who gets up to close it. 
 
 (43)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 IF your friend asks you to 
 lend him your evening 
 clothes, hide your toothbrush 
 without delay. 
 
 (44)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 NEVER leave the price tag 
 on the present, unless it 
 is a very expensive present. 
 
 A T a formal dinner the hostess 
 should see that raw oyster 
 forks should be placed alongside 
 the plates. If she hasn't any 
 raw oyster forks she may use 
 cooked ones. 
 
 («>
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 YOU should bear in mind 
 that to be kind to your 
 employees, it is not absolutely 
 essential that you kiss the 
 stenographer every morning. 
 
 I 4*
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 IF you would be thought a 
 fool, play with a loaded 
 pistol; if a knave, with loaded 
 dice. 
 
 ET the reign of your summer 
 girl be no longer than her 
 bathing suit. 
 
 (47)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 IT is coarse tor a divorcee to 
 refer to her ex-husband as 
 the late Mr. So-and-So. She 
 should speak of him as, "My 
 husband once removed." 
 
 (48)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 EVERY investor should have 
 a ward. A ward's estate 
 is a great convenience in unload- 
 ing financial indiscretions. 
 
 AVOID church fairs. It hurts 
 less to be stung by the 
 Scoffers than by the Faithful. 
 
 (49)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 PEOPLE who think that 
 newspaper advertisements 
 are not read should watch a 
 man sitting in a street car where 
 women are standing. 
 
 (5°)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 y^T a formal dinner, one 
 jf" J^, may serve five different 
 wines; but no indifferent ones. 
 
 TXT'HEN in the street with a 
 lady, a gentleman should 
 not light a cigarette unless the 
 lady does. 
 
 (so
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 A man will let go his religion 
 before he parts with his 
 respectability. 
 
 (sO
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 AN engagement ring should 
 not be passed around like 
 "the buck" in a poker game. 
 "New girl, new ring," is the 
 rule in select society. 
 
 T^RESSES that look as if they 
 
 had set the wearer's father 
 
 back more than $100 should 
 
 always be referred to as " frocks." 
 
 (.S3)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 IADIES should not wear 
 j( garden hose except at 
 garden parties. 
 
 (54)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 MEN will lose their reputa- 
 tions as gay deceivers 
 when women are less willing to 
 be deceived. 
 
 T XfHEN at a wedding break- 
 fast try to remember that 
 you will probably have other 
 opportunities of drinking 
 champagne. 
 
 (55)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 REMEMBER that your 
 wife's wardrobe is the 
 Bradstreet in which women look 
 for your rating 
 
 (56)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 ONE of the joys of wealth 
 is the right to preach the 
 virtues of poverty. 
 
 AT a wedding married women 
 cry because they've been 
 through it and unmarried women 
 for fear they won't. 
 
 (57)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 i 
 
 F a man's worth doing at 
 all, he's worth doing well. 
 
 (58)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 WHEN you end a letter 
 " Please Burn This," post 
 it in the fireplace. 
 
 "ll/HEN you start out to "do" 
 Wall Street buy a return 
 ticket. 
 
 i 59 )
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 NEVER refer to your in- 
 disposition as mal de coeur 
 when it is mal de liqueur. 
 
 (fo)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 CURE your wife of bargain- 
 shopping and you will have 
 more money for bucket-shopping. 
 
 E^NCOURAGE your husband 
 to go to his club. Other- 
 wise, you will miss a lot of 
 gossip that you can use in your 
 business. 
 
 (61)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 THE mother-in-law joke 
 was invented by a bache- 
 lor. To the married man the 
 mother-in-law is no loke. 
 
 J
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 IT is not good form for a 
 young girl to go to the 
 theatre with a gentleman, un- 
 accompanied by a chaperone. 
 On the other hand, it is not 
 good fun for her to go to the 
 theatre with a chaperone, un- 
 accompanied by a gentleman. 
 
 (6 3 )
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 NO gentleman will strut 
 about his club with his 
 hat on. There is no rule, how- 
 ever, against his having a jag on. 
 
 (64)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 WHEN you step on a lady's 
 toes make some off- 
 hand remark about her feet being 
 too small to be seen. This is 
 older than the cave dwellers; 
 but it still works. 
 
 Tl rHEN organizing a friendly 
 poker party, don't invite 
 friends. 
 
 (6 5 )
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 flHHBHHHHHHHHHHHHBMHHHHHHHBHHHBHHHHHHH 
 
 SETTLE an allowance on 
 your wife and you'll always 
 know where to borrow money. 
 
 (66)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 STRICT convention decrees 
 that if a young girl accepts 
 from a man any gift more 
 valuable than sweets, flowers or 
 tips on the races, she shall not 
 mention the fact to her mother. 
 
 A 
 
 corkscrew is not the only 
 symbol of hospitality. 
 
 (67)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 WHEN you catch your 
 caller kissing the maid, 
 remind her that the kitchen is 
 the proper place to entertain 
 her friends. 
 
 (68)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 DON'T forget to tell her 
 that she's "not like other 
 girls." It always works, whether 
 you spring it on the belle of the 
 village, the girl with a hare lip 
 or the bearded lady at the circus. 
 
 CPAGHETTI should be eaten 
 only in the bath-tub. 
 
 (eg)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 i 
 
 F you must have your hand 
 held, go to a manicure. 
 
 (70)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 THE difference between 
 bigamy and divorce is the 
 difference between driving a 
 double hitch and driving tandem. 
 
 XJEVER tell secrets to women. 
 If you must talk about 
 them, buy a megaphone. 
 
 (71)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 DON'T tell a girl that she 
 looks best when wearing 
 a veil. She may not understand 
 what you mean. 
 
 (72)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 TAKE your servants into 
 your confidence. You'll 
 always get a lot of interest- 
 ing information about your 
 neighbors. 
 
 TT is a mistake to regard your 
 linen as the leopard does 
 his spots. 
 
 (73)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 SOME girls want a home 
 wedding; most girls want 
 a church wedding; all girls want 
 a wedding. 
 
 (74)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 IF you use the same solitaire 
 for the second engagement, 
 don't refer to it as killing two 
 birds with one stone. 
 
 /CULTIVATE cheerfulness 
 in your household; money 
 makes the mere go. 
 
 (75)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 ^T Sunday night bridge 
 iV parties no really nice girl 
 will cheat. 
 
 (76)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 THE way to save doctor's 
 
 bills is not to pay them. 
 
 Only a specialist would think 
 of suing you. 
 
 TIT HEN you see a girl drown- 
 ing, look before you leap. 
 
 (77)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 ON your way to the altar, 
 do not wear the expres- 
 sion of a man Mendelssohning 
 into the jaws of death. Try to 
 look as if your salary had just 
 been raised. 
 
 (78)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 DEBUTANTES should 
 never attend prize fights 
 unchaperoned. 
 
 fN paying your fare always 
 take your time. It annoys 
 the conductor. 
 
 (79)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 OYSTERS are served after 
 cocktails, soup after oysters, 
 game after decomposition sets in. 
 
 (80)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 WHEN choosing a wife 
 shut your eyes; it's a 
 sporting chance, because after 
 all your wife is choosing you. 
 
 "^HE man who buys a gold 
 brick hates to feel lonesome. 
 
 (81)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 THE race is not always to 
 the swift, though the smart 
 set thinks it is. 
 
 (83)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 WHEN attending an after- 
 noon tea or musicale do 
 not forget to leave a card. The 
 social standing of your hostess 
 determines whether it shall be a 
 face card or a twospot. 
 
 ID ESIDES leaving a card, leave 
 all the small articles of value 
 that you may find lying about 
 in the dressing room. 
 
 (8 3 )
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 IT is not necessary to throw 
 rice at a departing bride and 
 groom. The cab is already full 
 of mush. 
 
 (84)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 IN proposing to a girl always 
 refer to your own unworth- 
 iness. She won't believe it at 
 the time nor will you a few 
 years later. 
 
 OWEET are the uses of 
 adversity to the gentlemen 
 who conduct loan offices. 
 
 (8 5 )
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 WHEN matching dollars, 
 remember that two heads 
 are better than one. 
 
 (86)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 y^T automobile funerals, the 
 X"^ chauffeurs should be di- 
 rected to play the Dead March 
 on the French tooters. The 
 effect is very refined. 
 
 ^\RUG store beauty isn't even 
 skin-deep. 
 
 ( 8 7 )
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 DON'T enter into a gentle- 
 man's agreement, if you're 
 a gentleman. 
 
 ( 88)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 w 
 
 ILD oats make poor 
 breakfast-food. 
 
 TT is always good form to talk 
 about nausea when caused 
 by seasickness; but never other- 
 wise. 
 
 (89)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 WHEN your face is too 
 full for utterance speak 
 to her only with your eyes. 
 
 (90;
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 SHOW kindness to your 
 creditors, but not unremit- 
 ting kindness. 
 
 OUSPECT the man who wants 
 only a small loan; a little 
 touch is a dangerous thing. 
 
 (91)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 DON'T marry for money; 
 but never let money stand 
 between a girl and her happiness. 
 
 (go
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 "CONSERVATIVE dressers," 
 \^ as the tailors call them, 
 have discarded the night -cap 
 except for internal use. 
 
 TITHEN in Rome do the 
 Romans. 
 
 (93)
 
 THE CYNIC'S 
 
 DON'T buy for your 
 daughter a Count that is 
 likely to turn out a discount. 
 
 (94)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 EAT, drink and be merry, 
 for to-morrow you may 
 be married, 
 
 TT is not good form to con- 
 gratulate a girl friend upon 
 her engagement. Simply remark, 
 "So you landed him at last." 
 
 (95)
 
 THE, CYNIC'S 
 
 PAY no obvious compli- 
 ments. A beautiful woman 
 has her mirror. 
 
 (96)
 
 RULES OF CONDUCT 
 
 IF you can afford the right 
 sort of lawyer you won't 
 need any Rules of Conduct. 
 
 [the end] 
 
 (97)

 
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