The Old, Old, very Old Man, or Thomas Parr, the 
 Son of John Parr ofW inning ton, in the Parish of Al- 
 berbury, in the County of Shropshire ; who was borne 
 in the yeare 1483, in, ttie Raigne of King Edward the 
 4 th , beii.g Aged, 152 Yeares and odd Monthcs, 
 in this y care, 1635.
 
 The 
 
 Old Man: 
 
 OR, 
 
 The Age and long Life of Thomas Par, 
 
 the Son of John Parr of Winnington, in the 
 
 Parish of Alberbury ; in the County of 
 
 Salopp (or Shropshire] who was Borne in 
 
 the Raigne of King Edward the 4 th . be- 
 
 ing aged 152. yeares and odd 
 
 Monethes. 
 
 His Manner of Life and Conversation 
 
 in so long a Pilgrimage ; his Marriages, 
 
 and his bringing up to London about 
 
 the end of September last. 1635. 
 
 Whereunto is Added a Postscript, showing 
 
 the many remarkable Accidents that 
 
 hapned in the Life of this Old Man. 
 
 Written by IOHN TAYLOR. 
 
 LONDON, 
 
 Printed for Henry Goffon, at his Shop on 
 
 London Bridge , neere to the Gate. 
 
 1635
 
 TO 
 
 THE HIGH AND MIGHTY PRINCE, 
 
 CHARLES, By the Grace of God, 
 
 King of great Britain, France, and 
 
 Ireland, Defender of the Faith, &c. 
 
 |^ Subjects (my dread Liege) 'tis manifest, 
 You have the oldst, the greatest, and the 
 
 least : 
 
 That for an Old, 1 a Great? and Little man? 
 No kingdom (sure) compare with Britain can ; 
 One, for his extraordinary stature, 
 Guards well your gates, and by instinct of Nature 
 (As he is strong), is Loyal, True, and Just, 
 Fit, and most able, for his Charge and Trust. 
 The other s small and well composed feature 
 Deserves the Title of a Pretty Creature : 
 And doth (or may) retain as good a mind 
 As Greater men, and be as well inclined. 
 He may be great in spirit, though small in sight, 
 Whilst all his best of service, is Delight. 
 The Oldst, your Subject is ; but for my use, 
 
 'Old Parr. "William Evans, "Sir Jeffery Hudson. 
 
 2019868
 
 vi THE EPISTLE. 
 
 / make him here, the Siibject of my Muse : 
 And as his Aged Person gaind the grace, 
 That where his Sovereign was, to be in place, 
 And kiss your Royal Hand; I humbly crave, 
 His Lives Description may Acceptance have. 
 And us your Majesty hath oft before 
 LooKd on my Poems ; Pray read this one more. 
 
 Your Majesties 
 
 most 
 
 Humble Subject 
 and 
 Servant, 
 
 JOHN TAYLOR.
 
 THE OCCASION OF 
 
 this Old Man's being brought out 
 of Shropshire to LONDON. 
 
 S it is impossible for the Sun to be without 
 light, or fire to have no heat ; so is it 
 undeniable that true Honour is as inse- 
 parably addicted to Virtue, as the Steel 
 to the Load-stone ; and without great 
 violence neither the one or the other can be 
 sundered. Which manifestly appears, in the convey- 
 ing out of the Country, of this poor ancient Man ; 
 Monument I may say, and almost Miracle of Nature. 
 For the Right Honorable, Thomas Earl of 
 Arundel and Surrey, Earl Marshal of England, &c. 
 being lately in Shropshire to visit some Lands and 
 Manors which his Lordship holds in that County, or, 
 for some other occasions of Importance, which 
 caused his Lordship to be there. The Report of 
 this Aged Man was certified to his Honour ; who 
 hearing of so remarkable a Piece of Antiquity, his 
 Lordship was pleased to see him, and in his Innated 
 Noble and Christian Piety, he took him into his
 
 2 THE VERY OLD MAN : OR 
 
 charitable tuition and protection ; Commanding that 
 a Litter and two Horses (for the more easy carriage 
 of a man so enfeebled and worn with Age) to be 
 provided for him ; Also, that a Daughter-in-Law of 
 his (named Lucy] should likewise attend him, and 
 have a Horse for her own riding with him ; And (to 
 cheer up the Old Man, and make him merry) there 
 was an Antique-fac'd-fellow, called Jack or John 
 the Fool, with a high and mighty no Beard, that had 
 also a Horse for his carriage. These all were to be 
 brought out of the Country to London, by easy 
 Journeys ; the Charges being allowed by his Lord- 
 ship, and likewise one of his Honours own Servants, 
 named Bryan Kelly, to ride on horseback with them, 
 and to attend and defray all manner of Reckonings 
 and Expenses; all which was done accordingly, as 
 followeth. 
 
 Wilmington is a Hamlet in the Parish of Alber- 
 bury, near a place called the Welsh Pool, eight miles 
 from Shrewsbury, from whence he was carried to 
 Wim, a Town of the Earls aforesaid ; and the next 
 day to Shefnall (a Manor House of his Lordship) 
 where they likewise staid one night ; from Shefnall 
 they came to Wolverhampton, and the next day to 
 Brimicham from thence to Coventry; and although 
 Master Kelly had much to do to keep the people 
 off that pressed upon him in all places where he 
 
 'Birmingham,
 
 THE LIFE OF THOMAS PARR. 3 
 
 came, yet at Coventry he was most oppressed : for they 
 came in such multitudes to see the Old Man, that 
 those that defended him, were almost quite tired 
 and spent, and the aged man in danger to have been 
 stifled ; and in a word, the rabble were so unruly 
 that Bryan was in doubt he should bring his charge 
 no further ; (so greedy are the vulgar to hearken to, 
 or gaze after novelties.) The trouble being over, 
 the next day they passed to Daventry, to Stony 
 Stratford, to Redburn, and so to London, where he 
 is well entertain'd and accommodated with all things, 
 having all the aforesaid attendants, at the sole charge 
 and cost of his lordship. 
 
 One remarkable passage of the Old Mans policy 
 must not be omitted or forgotten, which is thus. 
 
 His three leases of 63. years being expired, he 
 took his last lease of his landlord (one Master John 
 Porter] for his life, with which lease, he hath lived 
 more than 50 years (as is further hereafter declared;) 
 but this Old Man would (for his wife's sake) renew 
 his lease for years, which his landlord would not 
 consent unto ; wherefore old Parr, (having been 
 long blind) sitting in his chair by the fire, his wife 
 look'd out of the window, and perceiv'd Master 
 Edward Porter, the son of his landlord, to come 
 towards their house, which she told her husband, 
 saying, Husband, our young landlord is coming 
 hither: Is he so, said old Parr- I prithee wife
 
 4 THE VERY OLD MAN : OR 
 
 lay a pin on the ground near my foot, or at my right 
 toe ; which, she did ; and when young Master 
 Porter (yet forty years old) was come into the house, 
 after salutations between them, the Old Man said, 
 Wife, is not that a Pin which lies at my foot ? Truly 
 husband, quoth she, it is a pin indeed, so she took 
 up the Pin, and Master Porter was half in a maze 
 that the Old Man had recovered his sight again ; but 
 it was quickly found to be a witty conceit, thereby 
 to have them to suppose him to be more lively than 
 he was, because he hop'd to have his lease renew'd 
 for his wife's sake, as aforesaid. 
 
 He hath had two children by his first wife, a 
 son and a daughter, the boys name was John, and 
 lived but ten weeks ; the girl was named Joan, and 
 she lived but three weeks. So that it appears he 
 hath out-lived the most part of the people that are 
 living near there, three times over.
 
 THE VERY OLD MAN: 
 
 OR, 
 
 The Life of Thomas Parr. 
 
 IN Old man's twice a child (the proverb 
 
 says) 
 And many old men ne'er saw half his 
 
 days 
 
 Of whom I write ; for he at first had life, 
 When York and Lancasters Domestic strife 
 In her own blood had factious England drench'd, 
 Until sweet Peace those civil flames had quench'd. 
 When as fourth Edwards reign to end drew nigh, 
 John Parr (a man that liv'd by Husbandry) 
 Begot this Thomas Parr, and born was He 
 The year of fourteen hundred eighty three. 
 And as his Fathers Living and his Trade, 
 Was Plough, and Cart, Scythe, Sickle, Bill, and 
 
 Spade ; 
 The Harrow, Mattock, Flail, Rake, Fork, and 
 
 Goad, 
 And Whip, and how to load, and to Unload ;
 
 6 THE VERY OLD MAN : OR 
 
 Old Tom hath shew'd himself the Son of John, 
 And from his Fathers function hath not gone. 
 
 Yet I have read of as mean Pedigrees, 
 That have attain'd to Noble dignities : 
 Agathocles, a Potters Son, and yet 
 The Kingdom of Sicily he did get. 
 Great Tamberlane, a Scythian Shepherd was, 
 Yet (in his time) all Princes did surpass. 
 First Ptolomy (the King of Egypts land) 
 A poor mans Son of Alexanders Band. 
 Dioclesian, Emperor, was a Scriveners Son, 
 And Probus from a Gard'ner th' Empire won. 
 Pertinax was a Bondman s Son, and wan 
 The Empire ; So did Valentinian, 
 Who was the off-spring of a Rope-maker, 
 And Maximinus of a Mule-driver. 
 And if I on the truth do righly glance, 
 Hugh Capet was a Butcher, King of France. 
 By this I have digressed, I have expressed 
 Promotion comes not from the East or West. 
 
 So much for that, now to my Theme again : 
 This Thomas Parr hath liv'd th'expired reign 
 Of ten great Kings and Queens, th'eleventh now 
 
 sways 
 
 The Sceptre, (blest by th'ancient of all days) 
 He hath surviv'd the Edwards, fourth and fifth ; 
 And the third Richard, who made many a shift 
 To place the Crown on his Ambitious head ;
 
 THE LIFE OF THOMAS PARR. 7 
 
 The seventh and eight brave Henries both are dead, 
 
 Sixth Edward, Mary, Philip, Elizabeth, 
 
 And blest remembred James, all these by death 
 
 Have changed life, and almost 'leven years since 
 
 The happy reign of Charles our gracious Prince, 
 
 Tom Parr hath liv'd, as by Record appears 
 
 Nine months, one hundred fifty, and two years. 
 
 Amongst the learn'd, 'tis held in general 
 
 That every seventh year's climaterical, 
 
 And dang'rous to mans life, and that they be 
 
 Most perilous at th'Age of sixty three, 
 
 Which is, nine climactericals ; but this Man 
 
 Of whom I write, (since first his life began) 
 
 Hath liv'd of climactericals such plenty, 
 
 That he hath almost out-lived two and twenty. 
 
 For by Records, and true Certificate, 
 
 From Shropshire late, Relations doth relate, 
 
 That He liv'd 17 years with John his Father, 
 
 And 1 8 with a Master, which I gather 
 
 To be full thirty five ; his Sires decease 
 
 Left him four years Possession of a Lease ; 
 
 Which past, Lewis Porter Gentleman, did then 
 
 For twenty one years grant his Lease agen : 
 
 That Lease expir'd, the Son of Lewis called John, 
 
 Let him the like Lease, and that time being gone, 
 
 Then Hitgh, the Son of John, (last nam'd before) 
 
 For one and twenty years sold one lease more. 
 
 And lastly, he hath held from John, Hiiglis Son,
 
 8 THE VERY OLD MAX : OR 
 
 A lease for's life these fifty years, out-run : 
 And till old Thomas Parr, to Earth again 
 Return, the last lease must his own remain. 
 Thus having shew'd th'extention of his Age, 
 I'll shew some Actions of his Pilgrimage. 
 
 A tedious time a Bachelor he tarried, 
 Full eighty years of age before he married : 
 His continence, to question I'll not call, 
 Mans frailty's weak, and oft doth slip and fall. 
 No doubt but he in four score years might find 
 In Salop's County, females fair and kind : 
 But what have I to do with that ; let pass, 
 At th' age aforesaid he first married was 
 To Jane, John Taylor s daughter ; and 'tis said, 
 That she (before he had her) was a maid. 
 With her he liv'd years three times ten and two, 
 And then she died, (as all good wives will do.) 
 She dead, he ten years did a widower stay ; 
 Then once more ventured in the wedlock way : 
 And in affection to his first wife Jane, 
 He took another of that name again ; 
 (With whom he now doth live) she was a widow 
 To one nam'd Anthony (and surnam'd Adda) 
 She was (as by report it doth appear) 
 Of Gilsells Parish, in Mongomry -shire, 
 The Daughter of John Lloyd (corruptly Flood) 
 Of ancient house, and gentle Cambrian Blood. 
 
 But hold, I had forgot, in's first wife's time, 
 He frailly, foully, fell into a Crime,
 
 THE LIFE OF THOMAS PARR. 9 
 
 Which richer, poorer, older men, and younger, 
 
 More base, more noble, weaker men, and stronger 
 
 Have fallen into. 
 
 The Cytherean, or the Paphaan game, 
 
 That thundering Jupiter did oft inflame ; 
 
 Most cruel cut-throat Mars laid by his Arms, 
 
 And was a slave to Loves enchanting charms, 
 
 And many a Pagan god, and semi-god, 
 
 The common road of lustful love hath trod : 
 
 For from the Emperor to the russet clown, 
 
 All states, each sex, from cottage to the Crown, 
 
 Have in all Ages since the first Creation, 
 
 Been foiled, and overthrown with Loves temptation : 
 
 So was old Thomas, for he chanc'd to spy 
 
 A Beauty, and Love entered at his eye, 
 
 Whose pow'rful motion drew on sweet consent, 
 
 Consent drew Action, Action drew Content, 
 
 But when the period of those joys were passed, 
 
 Those sweet delights were sourly saucM at last. 
 
 The flesh retains, what in the Bone is bred, 
 
 And one Colts tooth was then in old Toms head, 
 
 It may be he was gull'd as some have been, 
 
 And suffered punishment for others sin ; 
 
 For pleasures like a Trap, a grin, or snare, 
 
 Or (like a painted harlot) seems most fair ; 
 
 But when she goes away, and takes her leave, 
 
 No ugly Beast so foul a shape can have. 
 
 Fair Katherine Milton, was this Beauty bright,
 
 io THE VERY OLD MAN : OR 
 
 (Fair like an Angel, but in weight too light) 
 
 Whose fervent feature did inflame so far 
 
 The Ardent fervour of old Thomas Parr, 
 
 That for Laws satisfaction, 'twas thought meet, 
 
 He should be purg'd, by standing in a Sheet, 
 
 Which aged (He) one hundred and five year, 
 
 In Alberbiirys Parish Church did wear. 
 
 Should All that so offend, such Penance do, 
 
 Oh, what a price would Linen rise unto, 
 
 All would be turn'd to sheets, our shirts and smocks 
 
 Our Table linen, very Porters Frocks 
 
 Would hardly 'scape trans-forming, but all's one, 
 
 He suffered, and his Punishment is done. 
 
 But to proceed, more serious in relation, 
 He is a Wonder, worthy Admiration, 
 He's (in these times fill'd with Iniquity) 
 No Antiquary, but Antiquity ; 
 For his Longevity's of such extent, 
 That he's a living mortal Monument. 
 And as high Towers, (that seem the sky to shoulder) 
 By eating time, consume away, and moulder, 
 Until at last in piece meal they do fall ; 
 Till they are buried in their Ruins All : 
 So this Old Man, his limbs their strength have left, 
 His teeth all gone, (but one) his sight bereft, 
 His sinews shrunk, his blood most chill and cold, 
 Small solace, Imperfections manifold: 
 Yet still his sp'rits possess his mortal Trunk;
 
 THE LIFE OR THOMAS PARR. n 
 
 Nor are his senses in his ruins shrunk, 
 
 But that his Hearing's quick, his stomach good, 
 
 He'll feed well, sleep well, well digest his food. 
 
 He will speak heartily, laugh, and be merry; 
 
 Drink Ale, and now and then a cup a Sherry; 
 
 Loves Company, and Understanding talk, 
 
 And (on both sides held up) will sometimes walk. 
 
 And though old Age his face with wrinkles fill, 
 
 He hath been handsome, and is comely still, 
 
 Well fac'd ; and though his Beard not oft corrected, 
 
 Yet neat it grows, not like a Beard neglected ; 
 
 From head to heel, his body hath all over, 
 
 A Quick-set, Thick-set nat'ral hairy cover. 
 
 And thus (as my dull weak Invention can) 
 
 I have Anatomiz'd this poor Old Man. 
 
 Though Age be incident to most transgressing, 
 Yet Time well spent, makes Age to be a blessing. 
 And if our studies would but deign to look, 
 And seriously to ponder Natures Book, 
 We there may read, that Man, the noblest Creature, 
 By riot and excess doth murder Nature. 
 This man ne'er fed on dear compounded dishes, 
 Of Metamorphos'd beasts, fruits, fowls, and fishes, 
 The earth, the air, the boundless Ocean 
 Were never rak'd nor forag'd for this Man ; 
 Nor ever did Physician to (his cost) 
 Send purging Physic through his guts in post ; 
 In all his life time he was never known, 
 
 B
 
 1 2 THE VERY OLD MAN : OR 
 
 That drinking others healths, he lost his own ; 
 The Dutch, the French, the Greek, and Spanish 
 
 Grape, 
 
 Upon his reason never made a rape ; 
 For Ryot, is for Troy, an anagram ; 
 And Ryot, wasted Troy, with sword and flame : 
 And surely that which will a kingdom spill, 
 Hath much more power one silly man to kill, 
 Whilst sensuality the palate pleases, 
 The body's filled with surfeits, and diseases ; 
 By riot (more than war) men slaughtered be, 
 From which confusion this old man is free. 
 He once was catched in the venereal sin, 
 And (being punished) did experience win, 
 That careful fear his Conscience so did strike, 
 He never would again attempt the like. 
 Which to our understandings may express 
 Mens days are shortened through lasciviousness, 
 And that a competent contenting diet 
 Makes men live long, and soundly sleep in quiet. 
 Mistake me not, I speak not to debar 
 Good fare of all sorts ; for all Creatures are 
 Made for mans use, and may by Man be us'd, 
 Not by voracious Gluttony abus'd. 
 For he that dares to scandal or deprave 
 Good house-keeping ; Oh hang up such a knave, 
 Rather commend (what is not to be found) 
 Than injure that which makes the world renowned.
 
 THE LIFE OF THOMAS PARR. 13 
 
 Bounty hath got a spice of Lethargy, 
 
 And liberal noble Hospitality 
 
 Lies in consumption, almost pin'd to death, 
 
 And Charity benum'd, near out of Breath. 
 
 May Englands few good house-keepers be blest 
 
 With endless glory, and eternal Rest ; 
 
 And may their goods, lands, and their happy seed 
 
 With heav'ns blest blessings multiply and breed. 
 
 'Tis madness to build high with stone and lime, 
 
 Great houses, that may seem the clouds to climb, 
 
 With spacious halls, large galleries, brave rooms 
 
 Fit to receive a King, Peers, Squires, and grooms 
 
 Amongst which rooms, the devil hath put a witch in, 
 
 And made a small Tobacco-box the Kitchen ; 
 
 For Covetousness the Mint of Mischief is, 
 
 And Christian Bounty the Highway to Bliss. 
 
 To wear a farm in shoe-strings edged with gold, 
 
 And spangled 'Garters worth a Copy hold : 
 
 A hose and doublet ; which a Lordship cost, 
 
 A gaudy cloak (three Manors price almost) 
 
 A Beaver, Band, and Feather for the head, 
 
 (Priz'd at the Churches tythe, the poor mans bread) 
 
 For which the Wearers are fear'd, and abhorr'd 
 
 Like Jeroboams golden Calves ador'd. 
 
 This double, treble aged man, I wot, 
 Knows and remembers when these things were not ; 
 Good wholesome labour was his exercise, 
 Down with the Lamb, and with the Lark would rise,
 
 14 THE VERY OLD MAN; OR 
 
 In mire and toiling sweat he spent the day, 
 
 And (to his team) he whistled time away : 
 
 The Cock his night- Gfo/, and till day was done, 
 
 His Watch, and chief Sun- Dial, was the Sun. 
 
 He was of old Pythagoras opinion, 
 
 That green cheese was most wholesome (with an 
 
 onion) 
 
 Course Meslin 1 bread, and for his daily swig, 
 Milk, Butter-milk, and Water, Whey, and Whig ; 
 Sometimes Metheglin 2 , and by fortune happy, 
 He sometimes sipp'd a Cup of Ale most nappy, 
 Cider, or Perry, when he did repair 
 T'a Whitsun Ale, Wake, Wedding, or a Fair, 
 Or when in Christmas time he was a Guest 
 At his good Land-lords house amongst the rest : 
 Else he had little leisure time to waste, 
 Or (at the alehouse) huff-cap Ale to taste. 
 Nor did he ever hunt a Tavern Fox, 
 Ne'er knew a Coach, Tobacco, or the Pox ; 
 His physic was good butter, which the soil 
 Of Salop yields, more sweet than Candy oil, 
 And Garlick he esteemed above the rate 
 Of Venice- Treacle, or best Mithridate. 
 He entertained no Gout, no Ache he felt, 
 The air was good and temperate where he dwelt, 
 Whilst Mavisses, and sweet tongued Nightingales 
 
 'MESLIN, a mixture of different sorts of grain. 
 METHEGLIN, a beverage made of honey and water.
 
 THE LIFE OF THOMAS PARR. 15 
 
 Did chant him Roundelays, and Madrigals. 
 
 Thus living within bounds within bounds of Natures 
 
 Laws, 
 
 Of his long lasting life may be some cause. 
 For though th' Almighty all mans days do measure, 
 And doth dispose of life and death at pleasure, 
 Yet Nature being wrong'd, mans days and date 
 May be abridg'd, and God may tolerate. 
 
 But had the Father of this Thomas Parr, 
 His Grandfather, and his Great grandfather, 
 Had their lives threads so long a length been spun, 
 They (by succession) might from Sire to Son 
 Have been unwritten Chronicles, and by 
 Tradition shew Times mutability. 
 Then Parr might say he heard his Father well, 
 Say that his Grand-fire heard his Father tell 
 The death of famous Edward the confessor, 
 (Harold) and William Conq'ror his successor ; 
 How his Son Robert wan Jerusalem, 
 O'er-came the Saracens, and Conquer'd them : 
 How Rufus reign'd, and's Brother Henry next, 
 And how usurping Stevn this kingdom vext : 
 How Maud the Empress (the first Henries daughter) 
 To gain her Right fill'd England full of slaughter : 
 Of second Henry s Rosamond the fair, 
 Of Richard Cceur-de-lion, his brave heir 
 King John, and of the foul suspicion 
 Of Arthurs death, Johns elder Brothers Son.
 
 1 6 THE VERY OLD MAN ; OR 
 
 Of the third Henrys long reign (sixty years) 
 The Barons wars, the loss of wrangling Peers, 
 How Long-shanks did the Scots and French 
 
 convince, 
 
 Tam'd Wales, and made his hapless son their Prince. 
 How second Edward was Carnarvon call'd, 
 Beaten by Scots, and by his Queen inthrall'd. 
 How the third Edward, fifty years did reign, 
 And t'honor'd Garters Order did ordain. 
 Next how the second Richard liv'd and died, 
 And how fourth Henries faction did divide 
 The Realm with civil (most uncivil) war 
 'Twixt long contending York and Lancaster. 
 How the fifth Henry swayed, and how his son 
 Sixth Henry a sad Pilgrimage did run. 
 Then of fourth Edward, and fair Mistress Shore, 
 King Edwards Concubine Lord Hastings ( ) 
 Then how fifth Edward murdered with a trick 
 Of the third Richard ; and then how that Dick 
 Was by seventh Henries slain at Bosworth field ; 
 How he and's son th'eighth Henry, here did wield 
 The Sceptre ; how sixth Edward sway'd, 
 How Mary rul'd, and how that royal maid 
 Elizabeth did Govern (best of Dames) 
 And Phanix-\&& expir'd, and how just James 
 ("Another Phcenix) from her Ashes claims 
 The right of Britain s Sceptre, as his own, 
 But (changing for a better) left the Crown
 
 THE LIFE OF THOMAS PARR. 17 
 
 Where now 'tis, with King Charles, and may it be 
 
 With him, and his most blest posterity 
 
 Till time shall end ; be they on Earth renown'd, 
 
 And after with Eternity be crown'd. 
 
 Thus had Parr had good breeding, (without 
 
 reading) 
 
 He from his sire, and Grand sires sire proceeding, . 
 By word of mouth might tell most famous things 
 Done in the reigns of all those Queens and Kings. 
 But he in Husbandry hath been brought up, 
 And ne'er did taste the Heliconian cup, 
 He ne'er knew History, nor in mind did keep 
 Ought, but the price of corn, hay, kine, or sheep. 
 Day found him work, and night allowed him rest. 
 Nor did Affairs of State his brain molest. 
 His high'st Ambition was, A tree to lop, 
 Or at the furthest to a May-poles top, 
 His Recreation, and his Mirths discourse 
 Hath been the Piper, and the hobby-horse. 
 And in this simple sort, he hath with pain, 
 From Childhood liv'd to be a Child again. 
 'Tis strange, a man that is in years so grown 
 Should not be rich ; but to the world 'tis known, 
 That he that's born in any Land, or Nation, 
 Under a Twelve-pence Planet's Denomination, 
 (By working of that Planets influence) 
 Shall never live to be worth thirteen pence.
 
 1 8 THE VERY OLD MAN ; OR 
 
 Whereby (although his Learning cannot show it) 
 He's rich enough to be (like me) a Poet. 
 
 But ere I do conclude, I will relate 
 Of reverend Age's Honourable state ; 
 Where shall a young man good Instructions have, 
 But from the Ancient, from Experience grave ? 
 Rehoboam, (Son and Heir to Solomon) 
 Rejecting ancient Counsel, was undone 
 Almost ; for ten of the twelve tribes fell 
 To Jeroboam King of Israel. 
 And all wise Princes, and great Potentates 
 Select and chose Old men, as Magistrates, 
 Whose Wisdom, and whose reverend Aspect, 
 Knows how and when to punish or protect 
 The Patriarchs long lives before the Flood, 
 Were given them (as 'tis righly understood) 
 To store and multiply by procreations, 
 That people should inhabit and breed Nations. 
 That th'Ancients their Prosperities might show 
 The secrets deep of Nature, how to know 
 To scale the sky with learned Astronomy, 
 And found the Oceans deep profundity ; 
 But chiefly how to serve, and to obey 
 God, who did make them out of slime and clay ; 
 Should men live now, as long as they did then, 
 The Earth could not sustain the Breed of Men. 
 Each man had many wives, which Bigamy,
 
 THE LIFE OF THOMAS PARR. 19 
 
 Was such increase to their Posterity, 
 
 That one old man might see before he died, 
 
 That his own only off-spring had supplied 
 
 And Peopled Kingdoms. 
 
 But now so brittle's the estate of man, 
 
 That (in Comparison) his life's a span. 
 
 Yet since the Flood it may be proved plain, 
 
 That many did a longer life retain, 
 
 Than him I write of ; for Arphaxad liv'd 
 
 Four hundred thirty eight, Shelah surviv'd 
 
 Four hundred thirty three years, Eber more, 
 
 For he liv'd twice two hundred sixty four. 
 
 Two hundred years Terah was alive, 
 
 And Abrham liv'd one hundred seventy five. 
 
 Before Job's Troubles, holy writ relates, 
 
 His sons and daughters were at marriage states, 
 
 And after his restoring, 'tis most clear, 
 
 That he surviv'd one hundred forty year. 
 
 John Buttadeus (if report be true) 
 
 Is his name that is styl'd, The Wandering Jew, 
 
 'Tis said, he saw our Saviour die ; and how 
 
 He was a man then, and is living now ; 
 
 Whereof Relations you (that will) may read ; 
 
 But pardon me, 'tis no part of my Creed. 
 
 Upon a Germans Age, 'tis written thus, 
 
 That one Johannes de Temporibus 
 
 Was Armour-bearer to brave Charlemagne, 
 
 And that unto the age he did attain
 
 2O THE VERY OLD MAN ; OR 
 
 Of years three hundred sixty one, and then 
 
 Old John of Times return'd to Earth agen. 
 
 And noble Nestor, at the siege of Troy, 
 
 Had liv'd three hundred years both Man and boy. 
 
 Sir Walter Raleigh (a most learned Knight) 
 
 Doth of an Irish Countess, Desmond, write 
 
 Of seven score years of Age, he with her spake : 
 
 The Lord Saint Albanes doth more mention make 
 
 That she was Married in Fourth Edwards reign, 
 
 Thrice shed her Teeth, which three time came 
 
 again. 
 
 The Highland Scots and the Wild Irish are 
 Long liv'd with Labour hard, and temperate fare. 
 Amongst the Barbarous Indians some live strong 
 And lusty, near two hundred winters long ? 
 So as I said before, my verse now says 
 By wronging Nature, men cut off their days. 
 Therefore (as Times are) He I now write on, 
 The age of all in Britain hath out gone ; 
 All those that were alive when he had Birth, 
 Are turn'd again unto their mother earth, 
 If any of them live, and do reply, 
 I will be sorry, and confess, I lie. 
 For had he been a Merchant, then perhaps, 
 Storms, Thunderclaps, or fear of Afterclaps, 
 Sands, Rocks, or Roving Pirates, Gusts and storms 
 Had made him (long ere this) the food of worms. 
 Had he a Mercer or a Silk-man been,
 
 THE LIFE OF THOMAS PARR. 21 
 
 And trusted much in hope great gain to win, 
 
 And late and early strived to get or save, 
 
 His Grey head long ere now had been i'th Grave. 
 
 Or had he been a Judge or Magistrate, 
 
 Or of Great Counsel in Affairs of state 
 
 Then days important business, and nights cares 
 
 Had long ere this, Interr'd his hoary hairs : 
 
 But as I writ before, no care opprest him, 
 
 Nor ever did Affairs of State molest him. 
 
 Some may object, that they will not believe 
 
 His Age to be so much, for none can give 
 
 Account thereof, Time being past so far, 
 
 And at his Birth there was no Register. 
 
 The Register was ninety seven years since 
 
 Giv'n by th'eight Henry (that Illustrious Prince) 
 
 Th'year fifteen hundred forty wanting twain) 
 
 And in the thirtieth year of that Kings reign ; 
 
 So old Parr now, was almost an old man, 
 
 Near sixty ere the Register began. 
 
 I have writ as. much as Reason can require, 
 
 How Times did pass, how Leases did expire ; 
 
 And Gentlemen o'th County did Relate 
 
 T'our gracious King by their Certificate 
 
 His age, and how time with grey hairs hath crowned 
 
 him ; 
 And so I leave him older than I found him.
 
 22 A Postscript. 
 
 |HE changes of Manners, the variations of 
 Customs, the mutability of Times, the 
 shiftings of Fashions, the alterations of 
 Religions, the diversities of Sects, and the inter- 
 mixture of Accidents which hath happened since the 
 Birth of this old Thomas Parr, in this Kingdom ; 
 although all of them are not to be held worthy of 
 mentioning, yet many of them are worthy to be had 
 in memory. 
 
 In the sixth year of his Age, and in the second 
 year of the reign of King Henry the seventh, one 
 Lambert Symnel, (the Son of a Baker) claimed the 
 Crown, and was crowned King of Ireland, and 
 Proclaimed King of England in the City of Dublin: 
 This Paltry fellow did put the King to much cost 
 and trouble, for he landed with an Army at Fowdrey 
 in Lancashire, and at a place called Stoke, the King 
 met him, and after a sharp and short battle, over- 
 came and took him, and pardoningfjiim his Life, 
 gave him a Turn-broaches 1 place in the Kitchen, and 
 afterwards made him one of his Falconers. Anno. 
 1487. 
 
 In the tenth year of his Age, and the eighth of 
 Henry the seventh another Youngster, whose name 
 was Perkin Warbeck (as some write, a Tinkers Son 
 in' Tournay) some say his Father was a Jew; not- 
 
 1 BROACH. i.e., a spit.
 
 A Postscript. 23 
 
 withstanding, he likewise put the King to much 
 charge and trouble, for he was assisted with soldiers 
 from Scotland and France ; besides, many joined 
 with him in England, till at the last, the King took 
 him, and (on his true Confession, pardon'd him) he 
 falling again to his old Practice, was executed at 
 Tyburn, 1499. 
 
 The same year also, a Shoemakers Son, 
 dwelling in Bishopsgate-street, likewise claimed the 
 Crown, under the name of Edward, Earl of 
 Warwick, the Son of George, Duke of Clarence, 
 Brother to King Edward the fourth ; but this young 
 Shoemaker, ended his claim in a halter at Saint 
 Thomas a Waterings* ; which was a warning for him, 
 not to surpass Ne Sutor Ultra Crepidam. 
 
 Another Counterfeit, the Son of a Miller 
 claimed the Crown, (in the second year of Queen 
 Marys reign) saying that he was King Edward the 
 sixth; but the tenth of May 1552, those Royal 
 Opinions were whip'd out of him for a while, till he 
 fell to his old claim again, and purchas'd a hanging 
 the thirteenth of March following. So much for 
 Impostures and Counterfeits. 
 
 For Religion, he hath known the Times of 
 divers Sects and Changes, as the Romish Catholic 
 Religion from his Birth, till the 24 year of King 
 
 THOMAS-A- WATERINGS. A place of execution for the county of Surrey, 
 situated close to the second mile-stone on the Old Kent-road.
 
 24 A Postscript. 
 
 Henry the eight, the time of 50 years ; And the 26 
 of his reign (the King's understanding being Illumi- 
 nated from above) he cast the Pope's authority out 
 of this Kingdom, 1534, and restored the Ancient 
 and Primitive Religion, which continued under the 
 Title of Protestants, till the end of his Son, King 
 Edward the sixth his reign, which was near about 
 20 years, then was a bloody alteration, or return to 
 Papistry for more than 5 years, all the reign of Queen 
 Mary ; since whose death, the Pr.otestant Religion 
 again was happily restored, continued and main- 
 tained by the Defenders of the True, Ancient, 
 Catholic, and Apostolic Faith, these 66 years and 
 more, under the blessed Governments of Queen 
 Elizabeth, King James, and King Charles. All 
 which time, Thomas Parr hath not been troubled 
 in mind for either the building or throwing down of 
 Abbeys, and Religious Houses ; nor did he ever 
 murmur at the manner of Prayers, let them be Latin 
 or English, he held it safest to be of the Religion of 
 the King or Queen that were in being ; for he knew 
 that he came raw into the world, and accounted it no 
 point of wisdom to be broiled out of it : His name 
 was never questioned for affirming or denying the 
 Kings Supremacy : He hath known the time when 
 men were so mad as to kneel down and pray, before 
 a Block, a Stock, a Stone, a Picture, or a Relic of a 
 He or She Saint departed ; and he liv'd in a time
 
 A Postscript. 25 
 
 when mad men would not bow their knee at the 
 name of Jesus ; that are more afraid to see a white 
 Surplice, than to wear a white Sheet ; that despise 
 the Cross (in anything but money) that hold Latin 
 to be the language of the beast, and hate it deadly 
 because the Pope speaks it ; that would patch up a 
 Religion with untemper'd Morter, out of their own 
 Brains, not grounded upon the true Corner-stone ; 
 who are furnish'd with a lazy idle Faith ; that holds 
 good works a main Point of Popery ; that hold their 
 Religion truest, because it is contrary to all Order 
 and Discipline, both of Church and Common- 
 wealth : These are sprung up since old Tom Parr 
 was born. 
 
 But he hath out-lived many Sectaries and 
 Heretics ; for in the 32 year of the reign of King 
 Henry the eighth, 1 540. the 3. of May, three Ana- 
 baptists were burnt in the High-way, between 
 Soutkwark and Newington. In the fourth year of 
 King Edward the sixth, one George of Paris, a 
 Dutchman, was burned in Smithfield, for being an 
 Arian Heretic, 1551. 1583, One John Lewis 
 denied the Godhead of Christ, was burnt at 
 Norwich, in the 26 year of Elizabeth. Not long 
 before that, there was one Joan Butcher (Alias) 
 Joan of Kent, burnt for the like. 
 
 In the third year of Queen Elizabeths reign, 
 one William Geffrey affirmed one John Moore to be
 
 26 A Postscript. 
 
 Christ, but they were both whipped out of that 
 presumptuous Opinion, 1561. 
 
 In the 17 of Queen Elizabeth, the Sect of the 
 Family of Love began 1575, but it took no deep 
 root. 
 
 In the 21 of Queen Elizabeth, one Matthew 
 Harmont was burned at Norwich for denying Christ 
 to be our Saviour. 
 
 In the 33 of Queen Elizabeth, one William 
 Hacket was hanged for professing himself to be 
 Christ, 1591. 
 
 In the 9 year of king James, the 1 1 of April, 
 1611, one Edward Wightman was burned at Litch- 
 jield for Arianism. 
 
 So much have I written concerning Sects and 
 Heresies which have been in this Kingdom in his 
 time, now I treat of some other Passages. 
 
 He hath out-lived six great Plagues. He was 
 born long before we had much use of Printing: for 
 it was brought into this Kingdom 1472. and it was 
 long after ere it was in use. 
 
 He was above 80 years old before any Guns 
 were made in England, 1535. 
 
 The Vintners sold no Sacks, Muscadels, 
 Malmseys, Bastards, Allegants, nor any other Wines 
 but White and Claret, till the 33 year of King Henry 
 the eight 1543, and then was Old Parr 60 years of 
 age: all those sweet Wines were sold till that time
 
 A Postscript. 27 
 
 at the Apothecaries for no other use, but for 
 Medicines. 
 
 There was no Starch used in England. A 
 Flanders woman, one Mistress Dinghen Vandein 
 Plasse brought in the use of Starch, 1564: and then 
 was this man near 80 years old. 
 
 There were no Bands worn till King Henry the 
 eights time; for he was the first King that ever wore 
 a Band in England, 1513. 
 
 Women's Masques, Busks, Muffs, Fans, Peri- 
 wigs, and Bodkins, were invented by Italian 
 Courtezans, and transported through France into 
 England, in the ninth of Queen Elizabeth. 
 
 Tobacco was first brought into England by Sir 
 John Hawkins, 1565, but it was first brought into 
 use by Sir Walter Raleigh many years after. 
 
 He was 81 years old before there was any 
 Coach in England : for the first that ever was seen 
 here, was brought out of the Netherlands, by one 
 William Boonen a Diitch-man, who gave a coach to 
 Queen Elizabeth, (for she had been seven years a 
 Queen before she had any Coach) since when, they 
 have increased (with a mischief) and ruined all the 
 best House-keeping, to the undoing of the Water- 
 men, by the multitudes of Hackney or hired 
 Coaches : but they never swarmed so thick to pester 
 the streets, as they do now, till the year, 1605,"" an d 
 
 *During the hearing of the case of the Mid-London Railway Company 
 before the Select Committee of the House of Commons, April, 1872, some
 
 28 A Postscript. 
 
 then was the Gun-powder Treason hatched, and at 
 that time did the coaches breed and multiply. 
 
 He hath out-lived the Fashion at least 40 times 
 over and over. 
 
 He hath known many Changes of Scarcity (or 
 Dearth) and Plenty: but I speak only of the 
 Plenty. 
 
 In the year 1499, the 15 of Henry 7, Wheat 
 was sold for 4^. the quarter, or 6d. the bushel, and 
 Bay salt at \d. and Wine at 40 shillings the tun, 
 (which is about three farthings the quart.) 
 
 curious details were elicited relative to the street traffic of London. 
 Mr. W. Casey, , a traffic taker, gave evidence that on the 28th of March last, in 
 Cheapside, from 8 a.m. to 12 midnight, 9,032 vehicles passed a given point, 
 and 80,257 passengers on foot or in omnibuses and private carriages. At the 
 Post-office end of Newgate-street the number of vehicles was 9,322, and 
 of passengers 64,212. The traffic was taken at twelve stations on or near 
 the line of the proposed railway. In Oxford-street, near Tottenham-court-road, 
 the number of vehicles was 8,803, an l f passengers 62, 1 10. In the same tho- 
 roughfare, near Regent-circus, the number of vehicles was 9,361, and of passen- 
 gers 68,872. The witness stated that it had been ascertained that 853 omnibuses 
 passed along Oxford-street in each direction, east and west, daily. The propor- 
 tions of vehicles of various kinds, and of passengers and their modes of convey- 
 ance, varied considerably at thedifferent points of observation. For the sixteen 
 hours from 8a.m. to 12 p.m. the numbers in Cheapside, near Old Jewry, were: 
 Omnibuses, 2,604; cabs, 3,477; four-wheeled waggons, 1,438 ; two-wheeled 
 carts, 1,104 5 private carriages, four wheels, 326 ; private carriages, two 
 wheels, 83. Passengers on foot, 54.677; in omnibuses, 21,247; m cabs, 3,307; 
 in private carriages, 1,022; equestrians, 4. Mr. Haywood, engineer to the 
 Commissioners of Sewers, gave evidence as to the street improvements that had 
 been effected in the city of London during the last 25 years, amounting to 
 more than 150 in number. He spoke also to the density of the population of 
 different parts of London, and of the districts that would be accommodated by 
 the proposed railway. St. Luke's contained a population of 159,909 to the square 
 mile. The whole population of the City proper was 74,000. In the observa- 
 tions of street traffic, made under direction, he had found that on different days 
 in February last there passed in 12 hours a point in Oxford -street, between 
 Tottenham-court-road and Regent-street, 8,236 carriages ; near Great Turn- 
 stile, 10,560 carriages; at the Mansion House, east of the junction with Queen 
 Victoria-street, 13,660 carriages. In Newgate-street 33,000 foot passengers 
 passed a given point in 12 hours ; and in the Poultry, before Queen Victoria- 
 street was opened, the foot passengers numbered 75,100 in 12 hours.
 
 A Postscript. 29 
 
 In the first of Queen Mary, Beer was sold for 
 sixpence the Barrel, (the Cask and all) and three 
 great loaves for one penny. 
 
 In the year 1557, the fifth of Queen Mary, the 
 Penny Wheaten Loaf was in weight, 56 ounces, and 
 many places people would change a Bushel of Corn 
 for a Pound of Candles. 
 
 So much shall suffice for the declaring of some 
 Changes and Alterations that have happened in his 
 time. 
 
 Now for a Memorial of his Name, I'll give a 
 little touch. I will not search for the Antiquity of 
 the name of Parr, but I find it to be an Honorable 
 name in the 12 year of King Edward ti\t fourth, the 
 King sent Sir William Parr Knight, to seize upon 
 the Archbishop of Yorks Goods, at a place called 
 the Moor, in Hartfordshire, 1472 : this Sir William 
 Parr was Knight of the Right Honourable Order 
 of the Garter. 
 
 In the 22 of Edward the fourth, the same Sir 
 William Parr went with an Army towards Scotland, 
 with Richard Duke of Gloster. 
 
 In the year 1543, the 35 year of King Henry 
 the eight, July 22, the King was married to Lady 
 Katharine Parr ; and the 24 of December, following, 
 the Queen's .Brother, William Lord Parr, was 
 created Earl of Essex, and Sir William Parr their 
 Uncle was made Lord Parr of Norton, and Cham-
 
 3O A Postscript. 
 
 berlain to the Queen, and the first of King Edward 
 the sixth, William Parr, Earl of Essex was created 
 Marques of Northampton; and in the 4 year of 
 King Edwards reign 1550, the said Marques was 
 made Lord Great Chamberlain of England, and on 
 the last of April, 1552, he (amongst other Lords) 
 Mustered 100 brave well appointed Horsemen of 
 his own charge before King Edward in the Park at 
 Greenwich (his Cognisance or Crest being the 
 Maidenhead] in the first of Queen Mary he took 
 part with the Lady Jane against the Queen, for 
 which he was taken and committed to the Tower, 
 July 26, and (contrary to expectation) released 
 again shortly after, March 24. 
 
 Also the first of Queen Elizabeth, William 
 Parr, Marquess of Northampton sat in Westminster 
 Hall, Lord High Steward, upon a Trial of William 
 Lord Wentworth, (who had been late Lord Deputy 
 of Calais; which noble Lord Wentworth, came off 
 most Honourably acquitted, April 22. 
 
 After the death of King \\enry the eighth, 
 Queen Katherine Parr was married to Sir Thomas 
 Seymour, Lord High Admiral, and she died the 2 of 
 September, 1548. 
 
 And thus I lay down the Pen, leaving it to 
 whomsoever can, or will make more of this Old 
 Man, than I have 
 
 DONE.
 
 THE GREAT EATER 
 
 OF KENT, 
 
 OR PART OF THE ADMIRABLE TEETH 
 
 and Stomach Exploits of 
 
 Nicholas Wood, of Harrisom, 
 
 in the Coimty of Kent, His Excessive manner 
 
 of Eating without manners in strange 
 
 and trve manner described 
 
 BY IOHN TAYLOR. 
 
 LONDON, 
 
 Printed by Eliz. All-de for Henry Gosson. 
 1630.
 
 THE GREAT EATER OF KENT. 
 
 'ECORDS and Histories do make memora- 
 ble mention of the diversity of qualities 
 of sundry famous persons, men and 
 women, in all the Countries and Regions 
 of the world, how some are remembered 
 for their Piety and Pity ; some for Justice ; 
 some for Seventy, for Learning, Wisdom, Temperance, 
 Constancy, Patience, with all the virtues Divine, and 
 moral : Some again, have purchased a memory for 
 greatness and tallness of body; some for dwarfish 
 smallness; some for beautiful outsides, fair feature 
 and composition of limbs and stature, many have 
 gotten an earthly perpetuity for cruelty and murder, 
 as Nero, Commodus, and others : for Lechery, as 
 Heliogabalus: for drunkenness, Tiberius, (alias 
 Biberius:) for effeminacy, as Sardanapalus : for 
 gluttony, Aulus Vitellius, who at one supper was 
 served with two thousand sorts of fishes, and seven 
 thousand fowls, as Suetonius writes in his ninth book, 
 and Josephiis in his fifth book of the Jews wars. 
 Caligiila was famous for ambition, for he would be
 
 2 The Great Eater of Kent. 
 
 ador'd as a God, though he liv'd like a Devil, 
 poisoning his Uncle, and deflowering all his Sisters : 
 And in all ages and countries, time hath still pro- 
 duc'd particular persons, men and women, either for 
 their virtues or their vices, to be remembered, that 
 by meditating on the good, we may be imitating their 
 goodness, and by viewing the bad, we might be 
 eschewing their vices. 
 
 To descend lower to more familiar examples, I 
 have known a great man very expert on the Jew- 
 harp ; a rich heir excellent at Noddy, 1 a Justice of the 
 Peace skilful at Quoits ; a Merchants wife a quick 
 gamester at Irish 2 (especially when she came to bear- 
 ing of men) that she would seldom miss entering. 
 Monsieur La Ferr a Frenchman, was the first 
 inventor of the admirable Game of Double-hand, 
 Hot-cockles, and Gregory Dawson an Englishman, 
 devised the unmatchable mystery of Blind-man's- 
 buff. Some have the agility to ride Post, some the 
 facility to run Post; some the dexterity to write 
 Post, and some the ability to speak, Post. For I 
 have heard a fellow make a Hackney of his tongue, 
 and in a moment he hath gallop'd a lie from China 
 to London, without bridle or saddle. Others do 
 speak Post, in a thick shuffling kind of ambling trot, 
 and that in such speed, that one of them shall talk 
 
 1 NoDDY, an old game at cards, conjectured to be the same as cribbage. 
 "IRISH, similar to backgammon.
 
 The Great Eater of Kent. 3 
 
 more in one quarter of an hour, than shall be under- 
 stood in seven years. And as every one hath par- 
 ticular qualities to themselves, and dissonant from 
 others, so are the manners of lives (or livings) of all 
 men and women various one from another ; as some 
 get their living by their tongues, as Interpreters, 
 Lawyers, Orators, and Flatterers ; some by tails, as 
 Maquerellaes,* Concubines, Curtezans, or in plain 
 English, Whores ; some by their feet, as Dancers, 
 Lackeys, Footmen, and Weavers, and Knights of the 
 public or common order of the fork ; some by their 
 brains, as Politicians, Monopolists, Projectmongers, 
 Suit-joggers, and Star-gazers ; some (like the Sala- 
 mander) live by fire, as the whole race of TubalCain, 
 the Vulcanean brood of Blacksmiths, Firemen, Colliers, 
 Gunners, Gun-founders, and all sorts of metal-men ; 
 some like the Chameleon, by the air, and such are 
 Poets, Trumpeters, Cornets, Recorders, Pipers, Bag- 
 pipers ; and some by smoke, as Tobacconists, Knights 
 of the Vapour, Gentlemen of the Whiff, Esquires of 
 the Pipe, Gallants in fumo ; some live by the Water 
 as Herrings do, such are Brewers, Vintners, Dyers, 
 Mariners, Fishermen, and Scullers ; and many like 
 moles live by the Earth, as griping Usurers, racking 
 Landlords, toiling Ploughmen, moiling Labourers, 
 painful Gardeners, and others. 
 
 Amongst all these before mentioned, and many 
 more which I could recite, this subject of my pen is 
 
 *MAQUERELI.AES. i.e., bawds, procuresses,
 
 4 The Great Eater of Kent. 
 
 not (for his quality) inferior to any : and as near as 
 I can, I will stretch my wit upon the Tenters, to 
 describe his name and character, his worthy acts 
 shall be related after in due time duly. 
 
 And, be it known unto all men, to whom these 
 presents shall come, that I John Taylor, Waterman 
 of Saint Saviours in Southwark, in the County of 
 Surrey, the Writer hereof, &c., will write plain truth, 
 bare and thread-bare, and almost stark-naked-truth, 
 of the descriptions, and remarkable, memorable 
 actions of Nicholas Wood, of the Parish of Harrison? 
 in the County of Kent, Yeoman, for these consider- 
 ations following. 
 
 First, I were to blame to write more than truth, 
 because that which is known to be true, is enough. 
 
 Secondly, that which is only true, is too much. 
 
 Thirdly, the truth will hardly be believed, being 
 so much beyond mans reason to conceive. 
 
 Fourthly, I shall run the hazard to be accounted 
 a great liar, in writing the truth. 
 
 Lastly, I will not lie, on purpose to make all 
 those liars that esteem me so. 
 
 Yet by your leave, Master Critic, you must 
 give me license to flourish my phrases, to embellish 
 my lines, to adorn my Oratory, to embroider my 
 speeches, to interlace my words, to draw out my 
 sayings, and to bumbast the whole suit of the 
 
 1 HARISOM, i.e. Harrietsham.
 
 The Great Eater of Kent. 5 
 
 business for the time of your wearing. For though 
 truth appeareth best bare in matters of Justice, yet 
 in this I hold it decent to attire her with such poor 
 rags as I have, instead of robes. 
 
 First then ; the place of his birth, and names of 
 his parents are to me a mere Terra incognita, as far 
 from my knowledge, as content from a Usurer, or 
 honesty from a Bawd, but if he be no Christian, the 
 matter is not much, he will serve well enough for a 
 man of Kent ; and if his education had been as his 
 feeding, it is evident he had been of most mighty 
 breeding ; he hath gotten a foul name, but I know 
 not if it came to him by Baptism, for it is partly a 
 JV^-name, which in the total is Nicholas, I would 
 abate him but a Saint, and call him Nicholas 
 Shambles, and were the goodness of his purse 
 answerable to the greatness of his appetite, out of 
 all question, no man below the Moon would be a 
 better customer to a shambles than he, for though 
 he be chaste of his body, yet his mind is only upon 
 flesh, he is the only Tugmutton, or Muttonmonger 
 betwixt Dover and Dunbar : for he hath eaten a 
 whole sheep of sixteen shillings price, raw at one 
 meal (pardon me) I think he left the skin, the wool, 
 the horns, and bones : but what talk I of a sheep, 
 when it is apparently known, that he hath at one 
 repast, and with one dish, feasted his carcase with all 
 manner of meats ? All men will confess that a hog
 
 6 The Great Eater of Kent. 
 
 will eat any thing, either fish, flesh, fowl, root, herb, 
 or excrement, and this same noble Nick Nicholas, or 
 Nicholas Nick, hath made an end of a hog all at 
 once, as if it had been but a rabbit sucker, and 
 presently after, for fruit to recreate his palate, he 
 hath swallowed three pecks of damsons, thus 
 (Philosophically) by way of a chemical infusion, as a 
 hog will eat all things that are to be eaten, so he in 
 eating the hog, did in a manner of extraction distil 
 all manner of meats through the limbeck of his 
 paunch. 
 
 But hold a little, I would be loath to cloy my 
 Reader with too much meat and fruit at once, so that 
 after your sheep, hog and damsons, I think it best 
 to suffer you to pause and pick your teeth (if you 
 have any) whilst I spend a few words more in 
 paraphrasing upon his surname. Wood is his ap- 
 pellation, denomination, or how you please to 
 term it. 
 
 Some of the ancient Philosophers have com- 
 pared men to a Tree with the bottom upwards, 
 whose root is the brain, the arms, hands, fingers, 
 legs, feet and toes, are the limbs and branches, the 
 comparison is very significant, many trees do bring 
 forth good fruit, so do some few men ; some stately 
 trees grow high and fair, yet stand for nothing but 
 shades, and some men grow high and lofty, yet are 
 nothing but shadows; Some trees are so malignant,
 
 The Great Eater of Kent. 7 
 
 that nothing can prosper under the compass of their 
 branches ; and some men are so unlucky, that very 
 few can thrive in their service. And as of one part 
 of a tree a chair of State may be made, and of 
 another a carved image, and of a third a stool of 
 office; So men, being compounded and composed all 
 of one mould and metal, are different and discon- 
 sonant in estates, conditions, and qualities. Too 
 many (like the barren Fig-tree) bear leaves of 
 Hypocrisy, but no fruits of Integrity, who serve only 
 for a flourish in this life, and a flame in that 
 hereafter. 
 
 So much for that : now to return to my theme 
 of Wood, (indeed this last digression may make my 
 Reader think that I could not see wood for trees) 
 what Wood he is, I know not, but by his face he 
 should be Maple, or Crabtree, and by his stomach, 
 sure he is heart of Oak ; some say he is a Meddler, 
 but by his stature, he seems like a low short Pine, 
 and certain I am, that he is Popiilar, a well timbered 
 piece, or a store-house for belly timber. 
 
 Now Gentlemen, as I have walked you 
 amongst the Trees, and through the Wood, I pray sit 
 down, and take a taste or two more of this 
 banquet. 
 
 What say you to the leaf or fleck of a 
 brawn new killed, to be of weight eight pound, and 
 to be eaten hot out of the boars belly raw ? much
 
 8 The Great Eater of Kent. 
 
 good do you Gallants, -was it not a glorious dish ? 
 and presently after (instead of suckets, twelve raw 
 puddings. I speak not one word of drink all this 
 while, for indeed he is no drunkard, he abhors that 
 swinish vice: Alehouses, nor Tapsters cannot nick this 
 Nick with froth, curtal cans, tragical black-pots, 
 and double-dealing bumbasted jugs, could never 
 cheat him, for one pint of beer or ale is enough to 
 wash down a hog, or water a sheep with him. 
 
 Two loins of mutton, and one loin of veal were 
 but as three sprats to him : Once at Sir Warham 
 Saint Ledgers house, and at Sir William Sydleyes he 
 shewed himself so valiant of teeth, and stomach, that 
 he ate as much as would well have served and sufficed 
 thirty men, so that his belly -was like to turn bank- 
 rupt and break, but that the serving-men turned 
 him to the fire, and anointed his paunch with grease 
 and butter, to make it stretch and hold ; and after- 
 wards being laid in bed, he slept eight hours, and 
 fasted all the while : which when the Knight under- 
 stood, he commanded him to be laid in the stocks, 
 and there to endure as long time as he had lain 
 bedrid with eating. 
 
 Pompey the Great, Alexander the Great, Tam- 
 berlane the Great, Charlemagne or Charles the 
 Great, Arthur the Great : all these gat the title of 
 Great, for conquering Kingdoms, and killing of 
 men ; and surely eating is not a greater sin than
 
 The Great Eater of Kent. 9 
 
 rapine, theft, manslaughter and murder. Therefore 
 this noble Eatalian doth well deserve the title of 
 Great : wherefore I instile him Nicholas the Great 
 (Eater :) And as these forenamed Greats have 
 overthrown and wasted Countries, and hosts of 
 men, with the help of their Soldiers and followers ; 
 so hath our Nick the Great, (in his own person) 
 without the help or aid of any man, overcome, con- 
 quered, and devoured in one week, as much as 
 would have sufficed a reasonable and sufficient 
 Army in a day, for he hath at one meal made an 
 assault upon seven dozen of good rabbits at the 
 Lord Wottons in Kent, which in the total is four- 
 score, which number would well have sufficed a 
 hundred, three-score, and eight hungry soldiers, 
 allowing to each of them half a rabbit. 
 
 Bell, the famous Idol of the Babylonians, was 
 a mere impostor, a juggling toy, and a cheating 
 bauble, in comparison of this Nicholaitan Kentish 
 Tenterbelly, the high and mighty Duke All-paunch, 
 was but a fiction to him. Milo the Crotonian could 
 hardly be his equal : and Woolner of Windsor^ was 
 not worthy to be his footman. A quarter of fat 
 lamb, and threescore eggs have been but an easy 
 collation, and three well larded pudding-pies he 
 
 I WOOLNER OF WINDSOR. The Life and Pranks of Long Meg of 
 Westminster, chap, vii, contains an account of " How she used Woolner 
 the singing man of Windsor, that was the great eater, and how she made him 
 pay for his breakfast, "
 
 io The Great Eater of Kent. 
 
 hath at one time put to foil, eighteen yards of 
 black pudding's {London measure) have suddenly 
 been imprisoned in his souse-tub. A duck raw 
 with guts, feathers, and all (except the bill and the 
 long feathers of the wings) hath swam in the whirl- 
 pool or pond of his maw, and he told me, that 
 three-score pound of cherries was but a kind of 
 washing meat, and that there was no tack in them, 
 for he had tried it at one time. But one John Dale 
 was too hard for him at a place called Lennam, for 
 the said Dale had laid a wager that he would fill 
 Woods belly, with good wholesome victuals for two 
 shillings, and a gentleman that laid the contrary, did 
 wager, that as soon as noble Nick had eaten out 
 Dales two shillings, that he should presently enter 
 combat with a worthy Knight, called Sir Loin of 
 Beef, and overthrow him ; in conclusion, Dale 
 bought six pots of potent, high and mighty ale, and 
 twelve new penny white loaves, which he sopped 
 in the said ale, the powerful fume whereof con 
 quered the conqueror, robbed him of his reason, 
 bereft him of his wit, violently took away his 
 stomach, intoxicated his Pia Mater, and entered the 
 sconce of his Pericranium, blind folded him with 
 sleep ; setting a nap of nine hours for manacles 
 upon his thread-bare eyelids, to the preservation of 
 the roast beef, and the unexpected winning of the 
 wager.
 
 The Great Eater of Kent. i \ 
 
 This invincible Ale, victoriously vanquished 
 the vanquisher, and over our Great Triumpher, was 
 Triumphant : but there are precedents enough of as 
 potent men as our Nicholas, that have subdued 
 Kings and Kingdoms, and yet they themselves 
 have been captured and conquered by drink ; we 
 need recite no more examples but the Great 
 Alexander, and Holof ernes, their ambition was 
 boundless, and so is the stomach of my pens sub- 
 ject, for all the four Elements cannot cloy him, fish 
 from the deepest ocean, or purest river, fairest pond, 
 foulest ditch, or dirtiest puddle, he hath a receipt 
 for fowl of all sorts, from the Wren to the Eagle, 
 from the titmouse to the ostrich or cassowary, his 
 paunch is either a coop or a roost for them : he hath 
 (within himself) a stall for the ox, a room for 
 the cow, a sty for the hog, a park for the 
 deer, a warren for conies, a store - house for 
 fruit, a dairy for milk, cream, curds, whey, butter- 
 milk, and cheese : his mouth is a mill of perpetual 
 motion, for let the wind or the water rise or fall, yet 
 his teeth will ever be grinding ; his guts are the 
 rendezvous or meeting place or burse for the beasts 
 of the fields, the fowls of the air, and fishes of the 
 sea ; and though they be never so wild or disagreeing 
 in Nature, one to another, yet he binds or grinds 
 them to the peace, in such manner, that they never 
 fall at odds again. His eating of a sheep, a hog,
 
 12 The Great Eater of Kent. 
 
 and a duck raw, doth shew that he is free from the 
 sin of niceness or curiosity in his diet. (It had been 
 happy for the poor, if their stomachs had been of 
 that constitution, when sea coals were so dear here.) 
 Besides, he never troubles a larder, or cupboard to 
 lay cold meat in, nor doth he keep any cats or traps 
 in his house to destroy vermin, he takes so good a 
 course, that he lays or shuts up all safe within him- 
 self ; in brief, give him meat, and he ne'er stands upon 
 the cookery ; he cares not for the peacock of Samos, 
 the woodcock of Phrygia, the cranes of Malta, the 
 pheasants of England, the capercailzie, the heathcock, 
 and ptarmigan of Scotland, the goat of Wales, the 
 salmon, and usquebaugh of Ireland, the sausage of 
 Bolognia, the skink of Westphalia, the Spanish 
 potatoe, he holds as a bauble, and the Italian fig he 
 esteems as poison. 
 
 He is an Englishman, and English diet will 
 serve his turn. If the Norfolk Dumpling, and the 
 Devonshire white-pot, be at variance, he will atone 
 them, the bag-puddings of Gloucester shire, the 
 black-puddings of Worcester shire, the pan-puddings 
 of Shropshire, the white puddings of Somersetshire, 
 the hasty puddings of Hampshire, and the pudding- 
 pies of any shire, all is one to him, nothing comes 
 amiss, a contented mind is worth all, and let any 
 thing come in the shape of fodder, or eating stuff, it 
 is welcome, whether it be sausage, or custard, or
 
 The Great Eater of Kent. 13 
 
 egg-pie, or cheese-cake, or flawn, or fool, or froise, or 
 tansy, or pancake, or fritter, or flapjack, or posset, 
 galley -maw frey, mackeroon, kickshaw, or tantablin, 
 hejs no pulling meacock, nor in all his life time the 
 queasyness of his stomach needed any saucy spur 
 or switch of sour verjuice or acute vinegar, his 
 appetite is no straggler, nor is it ever to seek, for he 
 keeps it close prisoner, and like a courteous kind 
 jailor, he is very tender over it, not suffering it to 
 want any thing if he can by any means procure it : 
 indeed it was never known to be so far out of 
 reparations, that it needed the assistance of caudle, 
 aleberry, julep, cullis, gruel, or stewd-broth, only a 
 mess of plain frugal country pottage was always 
 sufficient for him, though it were but a washing-bowl 
 full, of the quantity of two pecks, which pottenger 
 of his, I my self saw at the sign of the white Lion 
 at a village called Harrisom, in Kent, the Hostess 
 of which house did affirm, that he did at once wash 
 down that bowl full of pottage, with nine penny 
 loaves of bread, and three jugs of beer. 
 
 Indeed, in my presence (after he had broken his 
 fast) having (as he said) eaten one pottle of milk, 
 one pottle of pottage, with bread, butter, and cheese : 
 1 then sent for him, to the aforesaid Inn, and after 
 some accommodated salutations, I asked him if he 
 could eat anything ? He gave me thanks, and said, 
 if he had known, that any gentleman would have
 
 14 The Great Eater of Kent. 
 
 invited him, that he would have spared his breakfast 
 at home, (and with that he told me as aforesaid, 
 what he had eaten) yet nevertheless (to do me a 
 courtesy) he would shew me some small cast of his 
 office, for he had one hole or corner in the profundity 
 of his store-house, into which he would stow or be- 
 stow any thing that the house would afford, at his 
 peril and my cost. Whereupon I summoned my 
 Hostess with three knocks upon the table, two 
 stamps on the floor with my fist and foot, at which 
 she made her personal appearance with a low curtsy, 
 and inquisitive What lack ye ? I presently laid the 
 authority of a bold guest upon her, commanding that 
 all the victuals in the house should be laid on the 
 table. She said, she was but slenderly provided, by 
 reason goodman Wood was there, but what she had, 
 or could do, we should presently have : so the cloth 
 was displayed, the salt was advanc'd, six penny 
 wheaten loaves were mounted two stories high like 
 a rampier, three sixpenny veal pies, wall'd stifly 
 about, and well victual'd within, were presented to 
 the hazard of the Scalado, one pound of sweet butter 
 (being all fat and no bones) was in a cold sweat at 
 this mighty preparation, one good dish of thornback, 
 white as Alabaster or the snow upon the Scithian 
 mountains, and in the rear came up an inch thick 
 shiver of a peck household loaf ; all which provision 
 were presently, in the space of an hour utterly con-
 
 The Great Eater of Kent. 15 
 
 founded, and brought to nothing, by the mere and 
 only valourous dexterity of our unmatchable grand 
 Gormand. He courageously pass'd the pikes, and 
 I cleared the shot, but the house yielded no more, so 
 that my guest arose unsatisfied, and myself dis- 
 contented in being thrifty and saving my money 
 against my will. 
 
 I did there offer him twenty ^hillings to bring 
 him up to me to my house on the Bankside, and 
 there I would have given him as much good meat, 
 as he would eat in ten days, one after another, and 
 five shillings a day every day, and at the ten days 
 end, twenty shillings more, to bring him down again. 
 I did also offer ten shillings to one Jeremy Robinson 
 a glover (a man very inward with him) to attend 
 and keep him company, and two shillings sixpence 
 the day, with good diet and lodging : all which were 
 once accepted, until Wood began to ruminate and 
 examine what service he was to do, for these large 
 allowances. Now my plot was to have him to the 
 Bear-garden, and there before a house full of people, 
 he should have eaten a wheel-barrow full of tripes, 
 and the next day, as many puddings as should 
 reach over the Thames (at a place which I would 
 measure betwixt London and Richmond) the third 
 day, I would have allowed him a fat calf, or sheep 
 of twenty shillings price, and the fourth day he 
 should have had thirty sheeps gathers,* thus from 
 
 *SHEEPS GATHERS i.e., the pluck.
 
 1 6 The Great Eater of Kent. 
 
 day to day he should have had wages and diet with 
 variety ; but he fearing that which his merits would 
 amount unto, brake off the match, saying, that per- 
 haps when his Grace, (I guess who he meant) 
 should hear of one that ate so much, and could 
 work so little, he doubted there would come a com- 
 mand to hang him : whereupon our hopeful Bear- 
 garden business was shivered, and shattered in 
 pieces. 
 
 Indeed he made a doubt of his expected per- 
 formance in his quality, by reason of his being 
 grown in years, so that if his stomach should fail 
 him publicly, and lay his reputation in the mire, it 
 might have been a disparagement to him for ever, 
 and especially in Kent, where he hath long been 
 famous, he would be loth to be defamed ; but as 
 weak as he was, he said, that he could make a shift 
 to destroy a fat wether of a pound* in two hours, 
 provided that it were tenderly boiled, for he hath 
 lost all his teeth (except one) in eating a quarter of 
 mutton, (bones and all) at Ashford in the County 
 aforesaid, yet is he very quick and nimble in his 
 feeding, and will rid more eating work away in two 
 hours, than ten of the hungriest carters in the parish 
 where he dwells. He is surely noble (for his great 
 stomach) and virtuous, chiefly for his patience in 
 putting up much ; moreover he is thrifty or frugal, 
 
 *A POUND i.e., twenty shillings.
 
 The Great Eater of Kent. 1 7 
 
 for when he can get no better meat, he will eat ox 
 livers, or a mess of warm ale-grains from a brew- 
 house. He is provident and studious where to get 
 more provision as soon as all is spent, and yet he is 
 bountiful or prodigal in spending all he hath at 
 once : he is profitable in keeping bread and meat 
 from mould and maggots, and saving the charge of 
 salt, for his appetite will not wait and attend the 
 poudering* ; his courtesy is manifest, for he had 
 rather have one Farewell than twenty goodbyes : 
 of all things, he hold fasting to be a most super- 
 stitious branch of Popery, he is a main enemy to 
 Emberweeks, he hates Lent worse than a butcher 
 or a Puritan, and the name of Good-Friday affrights 
 him like a bulbeggar; a long Grace before meat, 
 strikes him into a quotidian ague ; in a word, he 
 could wish that Christmas would dwell with us all 
 the year, or that every day were metamorphosed 
 into Shrove-Tuesdays ; in brief, he is a magazine, a 
 store-house, a receptacle, a burse, or exchange, a 
 babel or confusion for all creatures. 
 
 He is no gamester, neither at dice, or cards, yet 
 there is not any man within forty miles of his head, 
 that can play with him at Maw, and though his 
 pasture be ever so good, he is always like one of 
 Pharaohs lean kine ; he is swarty, blackish hair, 
 hawknosed (like a parrot, or a Roman) x he is wattle- 
 
 *POUDERING To salt or spice meat.
 
 i8 
 
 TJie Great Eater of Kent. 
 
 jawed, and his eyes are sunk inward, as if he looked 
 into the inside of his entrails, to note what customed 
 or uncustomed goods he took in, whilst his belly 
 (like a mainsail in a calm) hangs ruffled and wrinkled 
 (in folds and wrathes) flat to the mast of his empty 
 carcase, till the storm of abundance fills it, and 
 violently drives it into the full sea of satisfaction. 
 
 JIKE as a River to the Ocean bounds, 
 
 Or as a Garden to all Britains grounds, 
 Or like a candle to a flaming link 
 Or as a single ace, unto Sife Cinque, 
 So short am I of what Nick Wood hath done, 
 That having ended, I have scarce begun : 
 For I have written but a taste in this, 
 To show my Readers where, and what he his. 
 
 FINIS.
 
 THE 
 
 LAMENTABLE 
 
 C O M P LA I N T S 
 
 OP 
 
 Hop the Brewer 
 
 AND 
 
 Kilcalfe the Butcher, 
 
 As they met by chance in the Cotm- 
 
 trey, against the restraint lately set out by the 
 
 Parliament, against Tapsters and Cookes: which 
 
 hath caused them to cracke their credit, and 
 
 to betake them to their heeles. 
 
 Printed in the Yeare 1641,
 
 THE LAMENTABLE COMPLAINTS OF 
 
 HOP THE BREWER AND KILCALF 
 
 THE BUTCHER. 
 
 Hop. 
 
 | HAT neighbour Kilcalf, who would have 
 thought to meet you here, what good 
 news is there stirring in London I pray 
 can you tell ? 
 
 Kilcalf. News Mr. Hop, there is great 
 store such as it is, but none I am sure that is 
 good for you or me. 
 
 Hop. I hope Mr. Kilcalf there is none will 
 prove hurtful to us. 
 
 Kilcal. Yes truly neighour there is ill news for 
 us. 
 
 Hop. I pray my good friend let me hear all the 
 news whatsoever it be. 
 
 Kilcal. Why ? I will tell you, Sir, since you 
 are so inquisitive : There is A- Bell (and one of the 
 greatest in the Town) lately fallen from Aldermary 
 Church, and some say it is burst all in pieces.
 
 2 The Complaints of Hop the Brewer 
 
 Hop. Well Sir what can this hurt you or me ? 
 but say this Bell be broke, it may be new cast and 
 hanged and all will be well again. 
 
 Kilcal. Very right Sir, and this may be done 
 with little charge, and besides there are ropes 
 provided already; there are three generous Vintners 
 in the Parish that have promised to defray the 
 whole charge. 
 
 Hop. The Vintners may afford it neighbour, I 
 hear they pay no Tunnage now the wine Patent is 
 put down, but pray what is the news you speak off ? 
 
 Kilcal. Why, have you not heard of the 
 restraint that was lately set forth by the Parliament, 
 whereby all Cooks and Tapsters and many other 
 professions are forbidden to dress meat and draw 
 drink on Sundays ? 
 
 Hop. Indeed I have heard that some such 
 thing was intended, but I never heard that it was in 
 black and white until this hour, I hope there is no 
 such thing, is there neighbour, are you sure ? 
 
 Kilcal. Sure say you ! Am I sure that ever I 
 knocked down an ox and cut his throat on a Sunday 
 morning think you ? s'foot shall I not believe my 
 own eyes ? 
 
 Hop. I would they had been out, so thou 
 hadst not lived to see this chance. 
 
 Kit. Nay now neighbour I must tell you, you 
 are some what too bitter, did you not promise to
 
 and Kilcalf the Butcher. 3 
 
 hear me whatsoever it were, and seeing you are so 
 hot, farewell. 
 
 Hop. Nay good neighbour stay, I cry thee 
 heartily mercy, it was my passion which made me so 
 much forget myself, but if this be true. 
 
 Kil. If me no if s, tis true as I tell you. 
 
 Hop. Why then what will become of us ? 
 
 Kil. Truly I know hot, we must e'en shut up 
 our doors, and never so much as take leave of our 
 Landlords. 
 
 Hop. As I am an honest man, you and I are 
 both of a mind, you have spoke my own thoughts, 
 for I am sure if I tarry till quarter day, my Land- 
 lord will provide me a house gratis, I should be 
 very unwilling to accept of his kindness, and he to 
 my knowledge was always very forward to do such 
 a curtesy to the worst debtor he had. 
 
 Kil. Truly Master Hop, I am not so much 
 engaged to my Land-lord for his love, as you to 
 yours ; but this I am sure there is a Grazier dwelling 
 in this part that hath my hand (down upon a piece 
 of sheepskin) not for my honesty, but for some 
 certain money which I owe him, and if I do not 
 wisely prevent him, I know not which of the 
 Counters I am like to keep my Christmas in. 
 
 Hop. I pray Master Kilcaljcaxi you prevent him? 
 
 Kil. Why, I'll show him the bag, I'll run man, 
 dost understand me ?
 
 4 The Complaints of Hop the Brewer- 
 
 Hop. Yes very well, but I believe that he had 
 rather you would show him his money, and then he 
 would understand you. 
 
 Kil. But by his favour he shall not understand, 
 nor stand under any money of mine if I can keep it 
 from him. 
 
 Hop. But I pray tell me, how came you so 
 much in debt ? did you use to trust your customers 
 for your meat ? I beleive you dealt with them for 
 ready money, did you not ? 
 
 Kil. Truly Sir I was forced to trust some 
 times when my customers had not money to pay 
 me : There was one master Rule roast a Cook that 
 owed me almost one hundred pounds, who no 
 sooner heard of this strict command against selling 
 of meat on Sundays, but he hanged a padlock on 
 the door and away went Pilgarlick. I cannot hear 
 of my Gentleman since his departure, nor do I ever 
 look to receive my money now. 
 Hop, Now, why not now ? 
 Kil. Because I do never look to see him 
 again, but put the case he should ever come again, 
 he would never be able to pay me without he were 
 suffered to sell meat on Sundays in service 
 time. 
 
 Hop. Why ? is it impossible for Cooks to get 
 money on the week days ? I know no reason but 
 why they may as well as on the Sundays.
 
 and Kilcalf the Butcher. 5 
 
 Kil. Yes Sir, tis very possible, but I will tell 
 you what I have observed in some of these Cooks. 
 You should have a Cook that upon Sundays would 
 dress twice so much meat as upon any other day, 
 and sell it three times as dear ; for Sir his door 
 shall stand open all the service time, and any body 
 may be suffered to come in (the Church wardens 
 excepted) and he that calls for any of his roasted 
 beef, hath it weighed to him by the ounce, or at 
 least one would think it so by the thin slices, which 
 he with much policy carveth from the spit ; and so 
 by this his policy he will make you eighteen pence 
 of that which (on any other day) he would take 
 eight pence for, and greet you with a welcome 
 into the bargain, but those days are now past and 
 therefore I despair of ever seeing my money. 
 
 Hop. I am just in your case, did you not know 
 Nick Froth the Tapster at the Bell ? he was a man 
 that used his customers as your Cook used his, for 
 in service time on Sundays you should have him 
 draw his beer out at a penny a demi can, or a half 
 pint; besides the witty knave had an excellent faculty 
 in frothing, he would get as much in drawing half a 
 barrel on a Sunday as he should by a whole barrel 
 on any other day ; and for his Indian smoke he sold 
 that as dear as Apothecaries do their Ambergreece : 
 I seeing him in this hopeful thriving way, trusted 
 him with a hundred and fifty barrels of Beer, in
 
 6 The Complaints of Hop the Brewer, &c. 
 
 hope (though) I should have had my money 
 before this time, but he being debarred of this 
 privilege, I utterly despair of payment, and so by 
 this and many others such like debtors I am like to 
 be undone, and therefore I'll not stay in England. 
 
 Kit. Then let us both return to London and 
 gather up as many of our debts as we can, to bear 
 our charges in our journey. If we can but once get 
 cross the great pond, we may with confidence 
 outface our Creditors, our days of payment draw 
 near, therefore let us make good use of our time that 
 we have to tarry. 
 
 Come les away, and if the wind sit right, 
 We II be at Dover by to morrow at night. 
 
 FINIS.
 
 THF 
 
 COVNTRY-MANS 
 
 CARE, 
 
 And the Citizens Feare 
 
 In bringing up their Children 
 in good Education. 
 
 Set forth in a Dialogue betweene a 
 Citizen and Country- Man. 
 
 Citizen. Country Man. 
 
 Printed at London for T.B. 1641.
 
 THE COUNTRYMAN'S CARE AND THE 
 CITIZEN'S FEAR 
 
 IN THESE DANGEROUS AND TROUBLESOME TIMES. 
 
 Citizen. 
 
 LL met Countryman, what is the best 
 news that the Country doth afford at 
 this time ? 
 
 Count. Alas sir ? I wonder you 
 should so earnestly enquire news of me, that 
 live in the Country, whenas we receive all 
 our news from you. I confess, you did prevent me, 
 therefore I pray, what is the best news in the City ? 
 Citiz. Alas ! the ambiguous rotation of the 
 World is very mutable, nothing is constant, nothing 
 durable, but all things do precipitate themselves 
 most strangely in a mutual levity. 
 
 Count. This news is hard indeed : for I did 
 expect better in regard that I have a Son, truly a
 
 2 The Country mans Care and 
 
 .pretty scholar (as his Master tells me) and of a 
 hopeful expectation, whose preferment I intend to 
 raise (God willing). Therefore I beseech you (if 
 you can) instruct me, what way I may settle him in. 
 
 Citiz. What can he understand the Latin 
 tongue or how far hath he proceeded therein ? 
 
 Count. Truly sir he is past his Propribus qutc 
 maribus and his Asse in prcesentibus too I'll assure 
 you ; yea, and he can read any Chapter in the Bible 
 very punctifully, and withal he hath read to Master 
 Practise on the Piety, and many other Godly books 
 I thank God for it, who hath endued him with so 
 much grace : Therefore because he is come to some 
 knowledge now, I would willingly bring him up 
 to some Scholar-ship : what think you Sir, if I 
 should send him to the University ? 
 
 Citiz. Sir I commend your sedulity herein : but 
 I have often heard, and withal I know by 
 experience, that the University is much polluted, 
 and contaminated with Popish superstitions, which if 
 your son should be seduced into, perhaps it will 
 cause both his utter ruin, and your perpetual sorrow. 
 
 Count. Is it possible that the University 
 should be corrupt ? 'Tis no marvel then that the 
 whole kingdom is misled, since the very fountains 
 themselves are polluted. 
 
 Citiz. I Exhort you as a friend ; and I hope 
 you will not contemn my friendly admonition.
 
 the Citizen's Fear. 3 
 
 Count. But my Son may avoid their crafty 
 allurements, and if he then uncessantly follow his 
 study, he may one day prove a Minister of Gods word. 
 
 Citiz. Pish, a minister of Gods word quother ! 
 Now a days every man will become a Minister : 
 therefore it will be but vanity for you to send your 
 son thither to attain to the Sacerdotal function. 
 
 Count. But dare every man presume so far 
 without learning : 
 
 Citiz. That is the chief cause thereof : for 
 learning is abused, contemned, derided, neglected, 
 despised : they will have no praying, nor preaching, 
 unless it be performed by instinct and inspiration, as 
 the spirit moves them. And if a man heaps up 
 knowledge, and Scholar-ship by indefatigable study, 
 he is thought to have filled his mind only with more 
 advantage to do wickedness. 
 
 Count. Oh lamentable ! 
 
 Citiz. Yea you may see Cobblers and Tinkers 
 rising from the very Dunghill, beating the Pulpits 
 as conformably, as if they were the Kings professors 
 of Divinity, scattering their new doctrine and 
 discipline in the Church, and are accounted great 
 divines too of the vulgar. Here you shall see one 
 making himself a Prophet preaching in a Tub as con- 
 fidently as if he were Doctor in Divinity. There you 
 shall see another thumping forth his new doctrine in 
 a Barn among his conniticles (I should have said)
 
 4 The Countryman s Care and 
 
 conventicles, as if he were Master of Arts. In the 
 meanwhile revolve all, and you shall find Scholar- 
 ship most shamefully despised. 
 
 Count. But if he diligently continue in his 
 study, God knows but that he may one day become 
 a Bishop. 
 
 Citiz. How ? a Bishop? alas ! I fear there will 
 be no more of that dignity : for the general assent 
 and consent too of the Commons will admit of no 
 Bishops : and they must all very shortly resign their 
 Titles, which shall be abrogated. Your son shall 
 never be Arch- Bishop I'll warrant you : and if you 
 intend to make a Divine of him, he must have a 
 great care least the Arch- Bishop do not cut off his 
 ears. But I will free you from that fear, for I tell 
 once again that there will be no more Bishops : Yet 
 if it seems more just, and secure, that the holy 
 Church should admit a degree of less, and greater, 
 they will have no Bishops, but only Lay- Elders : to 
 the election of which dignity, they judge and 
 suppose none more fit, and none more prepared for 
 the performance of everything, belonging to Gods 
 word than those venerable, and reverend Fathers 
 Master Cobbler, Tinker, and Button-maker, men 
 (although but of mean Scholar-ship) yet most 
 wonderfully inspired. Therefore I think it mere 
 vanity for you, to bring your son up to be a 
 Scholar,
 
 the Citizen s Fear. 5 
 
 Count. Alas ! then what shall I do ? unless I 
 should put him to the Inns a Court. 
 
 Citiz. So you'll make a young Suckling of him, 
 and then he'll run away. 
 
 Count. But I intend to make him a Lawyer. 
 
 Citiz. Alas the Star-Chamber, and High-Com- 
 mission Court is down long agone : and he must be 
 as busy as a Ducke, or else he will lose preferment. 
 For Lawyers are not respected, neither are they 
 accounted Honest, because they sell their lines 
 dearer the Apothecaries Physics, which I confess is 
 dear enough, yet nothing comparable to the price of 
 their lines, which gape wider then an Oyster-wifes 
 mouth, and straddle wider then a French-man's legs 
 Fie, fie ! Lawyers are accounted Knaves over all 
 the Country. 
 
 Count. Tis strange ! For I'm sure they have 
 more Angels come hourly to them in Term time, 
 then all the Puritans in the Town. 
 
 Citiz. But here lies the difference : their Angels 
 do wear crosses : and because the Puritans will 
 admit of no cross, therefore they hate the Lawyers 
 the more, because they are so ready to receive them. 
 
 Count. And there is none of their whole Tribe, 
 that will deny such crosses, I'll warrant you. 
 
 Citiz. But Lawyers are so little regarded now a 
 days that I fear before they can procure other men's 
 Suits at Law, they'll want Suits to their own Backs.
 
 6 The Countryman s Care and 
 
 Count. But perhaps he may come to the 
 honour of a Judge one day. 
 
 Citiz. I hope you do not desire to have your 
 Son hang'd. That's a dangerous title I'll assure 
 you : Did you not hear that most of the Judges are 
 to be judged under other Judges, yea and they'll 
 hardly escape hanging too, unless they give ample 
 satisfaction to the Parliament : for they are acknow- 
 ledged to be the Original of all our grievances. 
 Therefore if you be wise desist from that opinion. 
 
 Count. Alas ! What education shall I then 
 impose upon my Son ? Since all these grounds of 
 hope hath deceived me. What think you Sir, if I 
 train him up to be a Soldier ? 
 
 Citiz. He must swear lustily then : and brag 
 of many things with ostentation, although he can 
 perform nothing. But stay ! Now I think on it : 
 Perhaps he may be suspected to be some Trooper ;) 
 for they say the Country is very full of them) then 
 apprehended and so incontinently committed only 
 upon suspicion. 
 
 Count. You say true indeed Sir : Therefore I 
 know not what course to take with him. I entreat 
 you Sir to lend me your advice. 
 
 Citiz. If the Lad be so hopeful, as you declare 
 him to be : I care not greatly if I take him under 
 my Tuition, and if you please to condescend there 
 unto, he shall be my Apprentice, and I'll assure
 
 the Citizen! s Fear. 7 
 
 you for your sake he shall be both kindly kept, and 
 religiously instructed. 
 
 Count. I humbly thank you for your love, 
 wherefore I acknowledge my self much engaged to 
 you : But I pray what trade are you off Sir ; 
 
 Citiz. I am a Vintner by my Trade. 
 
 Count. I am very glad to hear of that : and if 
 my Son be wise enough, but to take forty Shilling a 
 Tun, he may prove an Alderman too. Well Sir, I 
 am much obliged unto you, for your love unto him, 
 and I will bring him unto you, and if you like his 
 morality and ingenuity, I will willingly send him 
 unto you. 
 
 Citiz. He shall be most lovingly respected. 
 
 Count. Thanks Noble Sir ; In the meanwhile 
 farewell. 
 
 FINIS.
 
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