THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 The JOHN J. and HANNA M. MCMANUS 
 
 MORRIS N. and CHESLEY V. YOUNG 
 
 Collection 
 
I'hoto by Ru*wtt $ Sons. 
 
 ROBERT GANTHONY. 
 
RANDOM. 
 
 RECOLLECTIONS 
 
 BY 
 
 ROBERT GANTHONY 
 
 <///0r o/" " W ^/-a.-* of PurtriJ^'s :" " 5>t?/A 
 "Bunkum Entertain nicnti ; " " Sambo* * 
 Serenade" etc. etc. 
 
 Bonbon 
 
 HENRY J. DRANE 
 
 SALISBURY HOUSE 
 
 SALISBURY SQUARE, FLEET STREET, E.C, 
 
GIFT 
 
p/ 
 
 TO 
 
 MY BEST FRIEND, 
 
 The companion of my solitude, who has never for one instant deserted 
 
 me in time of sickness nor trouble ; who has seemed to know 
 
 my every thought and wish before I uttered them, 
 
 whose sincerity I have never doubted, as 
 
 he could not deceive me even 
 
 though he tried, 
 
 Gbts JSooft 10 Dedicated, 
 
 With a perfect knowledge of his many shortcomings, regrets for his 
 
 numerous faults, increasing corpulence, whitening locks, 
 
 deepening wrinkles, fading eyesight, inordinate 
 
 pride, and dislike of pickled radishes, by 
 
 THE AUTHOR 
 
 as the only means of securing for 
 
 ROBERT GANTHONY 
 
 such a compliment. 
 
 107 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PAOR 
 
 Introduction ....---..- 7 
 
 The Author's Author - 8 
 
 Early Days - 9 
 
 From Liverpool to Richmond, Surrey 25 
 
 Choosing a Profession 26 
 
 In a City 29 
 
 In the Law 3 
 
 Off to America 3 1 
 
 The Chicken Farm - 42 
 
 Back in England - 55 
 
 Mrs German Reed 5^ 
 
 Samuel Phelps 60 
 
 Charles Calvert - - - - 6l 
 
 Seeking a London Engagement - 79 
 
 Evenings from Home ....... 93 
 
 French Experiences - - -99 
 
 The History of " Pick Me Up " 131 
 
 Fashions in Entertainments - - - . - - 143 
 How I became a Book Writer - -145 
 
 How I became a Song Writer - - - 147 
 
 How I became a Ventriloquist ------ 149 
 
 How I became a Conjuror - - - - - 154 
 
 How I became a Lightning Cartoonist 156 
 
 How I became a Nellie Ganthony in Bifurcated Garments - - 157 
 
 The Egyptian Hall - 158 
 
 Moore and Burgess 161 
 
 Reminiscences of a Pleasure Trip ... - - 163 
 
 Music Halls 195 
 
 A. B. C. 204 
 
 Cycling in the Past - 206 
 
 The Land of the Ostrich - 211 
 
 11 A Brace of Partridges " - 236 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 Sntrotmction 
 
 ( Which the Reader will kindly skip). 
 
 WHEN a well-known publisher offers to pay for and 
 publish your autobiography it is difficult for a man 
 even for a man of my money-despising and retiring 
 disposition to refuse such an offer. The following 
 pages are an evidence that I have not done so, and 
 that my universally-admitted modesty has not over- 
 come my love of gain nor my belief in " the sweet 
 uses of advertisement." My varied experiences 
 having been considered funny by friends, to whom I 
 made no charge for the amusement they afforded in 
 relation, I trust, as people always enjoy and appre- 
 ciate more that for which they pay than that which 
 they get for nothing, the price, if not the contents, 
 of this book will flavour its reception by the public 
 with a fair measure of popularity, and repay you, dear 
 reader you do not mind my calling you " dear ? " 
 for the time you may give to what I have to submit. 
 If it does not, you will kindly blame my publisher for 
 his belief in the good judgment of the public, and his 
 faith in my desire, even at the expense of a too strict 
 adherence to truth, to submit and properly focus the 
 experiences which it is my pleasure now to chronicle. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 Ube Butbor's Butbor. 
 
 BEFORE beginning to use that awful ninth letter of 
 the alphabet, let me say a few words about my father, 
 who is just eighty, and can do his years any day on a 
 bicycle, or scull a party of ladies up the river and 
 think nothing of it, which is not so bad, seeing that he 
 spent a great part of his life as a professional man in 
 India. It was to him that India owed the introduction 
 of artificial teeth. Prior to his arrival, the tooth- 
 less people of that empire had to masticate their food 
 with teeth taken from dead bodies snatched from 
 the jaws of death, so to speak. The natives brought 
 them to his predecessor in glass bottles, and also to 
 him, till he effected a change, and gave his patrons 
 manufactured teeth instead of the natural, but second- 
 hand, or second-jaw, article. 
 
 I have heard my father tell a good story of an 
 Indian prince, who, having lost his teeth, came to him 
 and had a new set, selecting the " second-hand " teeth 
 as being the most natural. He had just begun to 
 renew the almost forgotten delights of mastication 
 when his smiles so brought the new grinders into 
 notice that the Hindoo clergy heard of it. There was 
 a great scandal, and the poor prince had no peace till 
 a religious ceremony was inaugurated, in which he 
 had to pray forgiveness of his Creator and deliver up 
 the teeth which, having been taken from a dead body, 
 were "unclean." The teeth were publicly burnt, 
 when the toothless sovereign was allowed to go home 
 to the banquet awaiting him at his palace a banquet 
 which awaited him in vain, as all the dusky gentleman 
 could do was to mumble out an order for a basin of 
 well-boiled rice and munch that. A set of " artificial " 
 teeth, having no religious disqualification, were ordered, 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 9 
 
 and in a few days caused the prince to smile again. 
 The scandal and the sequel had a good effect on 
 business, and did much to assist my father to make 
 his fortune. There were difficulties still to be over- 
 come with the ivory or bone teeth in their then state 
 of excellence, especially when contrasted with a dark 
 skin. 
 
 One prince had a set of artificial teeth, which, when 
 fitted, he looked at in the glass. " They are too white 
 for a man of my age," he said. " We can soon cure 
 that," replied my father, bringing him a bottle of port. 
 " Sip that slowly through them." Being busy, he left 
 the prince to carry out his instructions and colour his 
 teeth. When at last he returned to his patient he 
 found the bottle empty, and His Royal Highness 
 hopelessly drunk on the floor. 
 
 IDaga. 
 
 THOUGH the papers generally state that I am an 
 American, I was born within a stone's-throw of 
 Marble Arch, Lord Justice Crowder being one of my 
 godfathers, and William Raper, the distinguished 
 writer on navigation, being the other. My mother 
 sit tibi terra Uvis spoke better French than 
 English when I was born, having been educated in 
 a French convent abroad, and it is to her my sisters 
 and I owe what taste for music we possess. I can 
 remember as a child the enthusiasm her little 
 chansonettes provoked. 
 
 Sir Henry Irving always thought the name 
 " Ganthony " was an assumed one, but I never 
 considered that it was necessary to assume an alias 
 because I adopted an artistic career. I always felt 
 it better to keep my own name, and if I could not 
 
10 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 advance it publicly, I could at least keep it respected 
 in my private life. The name was of Welsh origin, 
 " Llanthony," and though my predecessors did not 
 come over with the Conqueror, they were here when 
 he arrived, which is quite as much to their credit. A 
 piece of music was played at the Crystal Palace 
 recently by "Ganthony," my great-grandfather, which 
 is historically interesting, but not so profitable to 
 me as when, at a more recent date, I sang my 
 own songs there myself. My grandfather, when a 
 boy, cut his arm, and with the blood wrote an oath 
 that he would get into the Bank of England, 
 which he did. While there he invented a ship's 
 chronometer, which led to his starting a business 
 in Lombard Street, and I am pleased to say that 
 even now, with all the watches and clocks we import 
 from Germany and America, there are none that 
 keep better time than his do, though the hours they 
 have recorded have nearly effaced our name from the 
 dial plates. I am not proud of his being a watch- 
 maker, but I am proud to know that he made good 
 watches. He left the Bank, married twice, had about 
 fifteen children, among whom was my father, left 
 them all independent, became an alderman of the 
 city, and but for his death at sixty would have 
 become, like Dick Whittington, Lord Mayor of 
 London, and been surrounded at Mansion House 
 banquets with that gorgeously-attired retinue, the 
 vulgar splendour of whose liveries is enough to 
 deprive us in the eyes of foreigners of any claim 
 to artistic taste. My mother's brother was a naval 
 officer, and bled for his country, or, what is better, 
 made our enemies bleed for theirs ; the cutlass with 
 which he did so hangs on the wall of my study, 
 together with the flute, banjo, and violin I formerly 
 used in the service of my country in " Evenings from 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. I I 
 
 Home," but which are now, like the sword, put away 
 for ever. 
 
 When my father returned from India he married 
 and settled in Liverpool, where he bought a practice 
 which he followed at the Town House. We lived 
 there in the winter, and spent our summers at Little 
 Brighton, a hamlet on the opposite side of the 
 Mersey to New Brighton. 
 
 The duties of life, as they appeared to me at Little 
 Brighton, were to cure a pair of knock knees (my 
 own) by incessant riding, and a pair of weak eyes by 
 never using them. Every morning after breakfast I 
 had to put my heels together, when the doctor, or, in 
 his absence, my father, would pass his open hand 
 between my knees to see, as my father said, " if they 
 were growing more distant to each other," at which 
 the doctor always laughed as people will do at 
 the utterances of those who are not professional 
 humorists, and whom for business purposes they 
 desire to propitiate. My eyes were then smothered 
 in ointment and I was lifted on to "Tom's" back and 
 sent off to spend the morning on the pad saddle of a 
 white pony. In those clays the train from Tithebarn 
 Street Station so called from the clergy's portion of 
 the harvest being stored there, as the name 
 Tithe Barn suggests Liverpool, to Crosby, dumped 
 its passengers out on a sand-hill, as they do 
 nowadays in some parts of America and South 
 Africa, and left them to scramble over the sinking 
 sand to Little Brighton ; a difficult matter after 
 dark, as there were no lights nor path, which the 
 drifting sands would have soon obliterated had one 
 been made. 
 
 Not many months ago I was engaged with my 
 sister, Nellie Ganthony usually called my daughter 
 to give my entertainment at the subscription 
 
12 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 concerts at Blundell Sands, and was told to book to 
 Crosby. What a transformation forty years had 
 made ! The station was a large one, with waiting 
 rooms, bookstall, etc., and the change outside brought 
 me to a standstill in astonishment. The sand-hills 
 had vanished, and instead I saw broad asphalted 
 roads, substantial, well-built, electric-lighted residences, 
 an hotel, a cab rank ; trees, well-laid-out gardens, with 
 costly shrubs on ground that was formerly thought 
 only fit for rabbits. From a boy I have heard 
 nothing but a cry of bad times and the decadence of 
 our country, and yet, what has happened in those 
 years of lamentation ? Only what has happened all 
 over our country, and yet, with signs everywhere of 
 the nation's wealth and growth, we still have the wail 
 about England's decadence. We so accept this 
 growth of towns as a matter of course that, until we 
 visit a country which stands still, we do not realise 
 its significance. I asked of a youthful porter where 
 Little Brighton was, and he only grinned and said 
 he'd never heard of it, and there wasn't not no such 
 place. This is a fine thing for a man who wants to 
 write his autobiography, I thought no childhood's 
 home ! the very one thing upon which I had yearned 
 to display my literary ability. In a burst of retrospec- 
 tive eloquence I intended to draw a picture of my 
 days of innocence that would have made the army of 
 novelists tremble in their chairs, and here the whole 
 of my ambitions are crushed by a porter who tells 
 me " there ain't not no such place." If I can't begin 
 my book, like my friends Corney Grain and George 
 Grossmith, by proving to the public that I was a child 
 once, I won't write the book at all. I next inquired 
 of an old man also a porter and he looked at me 
 curiously, wiped with his sleeve the exudence from 
 his brow, by which he earned his daily bread, and 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 13 
 
 told me that I would find what was left of it at the 
 end of the town. 
 
 Feeling like Rip Van Winkle when he awoke from 
 his long sleep, I left the station and wandered off in 
 search of the hallowed spot where my days of 
 juvenance were spent. I walked past fine churches, 
 shops (we had in my time to go to Waterloo for 
 prayers and haberdashery), public buildings, etc., and 
 it was only when there was a break in the continuity 
 of the houses that the sand-fiend resumed its old 
 pranks, covered the asphalted road knee deep, and 
 brought back many a recollection of how the sand 
 storms smothered us when there were but a few 
 isolated houses. 
 
 As the town became shabbier and dingier I began 
 to recognise among the buildings landmarks which I 
 had often looked for when crossing the hills from the 
 station to my " childhood's home," with which I 
 seemed now to be in measurable distance of renewing 
 my acquaintance. " Here," I soliloquised, as I stood 
 opposite to it, " is the garden wall I used to climb to 
 steal green gooseberries," and my teeth shivered as I 
 remembered how I recklessly scrunched the unripe 
 fruit. It was not because I disliked them ripe that 
 I ate them green, but because immaturity was a 
 condition of procuring them at all, as when they were 
 ripe the owner gathered, or intended to gather, them 
 for his own use. The wall, mark you, was not a wall 
 upon which, in the glory of manhood, I could rest my 
 arms, but a wall I feel it no disgrace to my athleticism 
 to say that I would not try and climb now for all the 
 green gooseberries in Covent Garden. What bothered 
 me was that I remembered a stream which ran along- 
 side the wall where I fished for minnows and caught 
 colds. 
 
 " Looking for anything, sir ? " inquired a butcher, 
 
14 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 standing outside a shop where I remembered a large 
 apple tree. 
 
 " Yes," I replied ; " I am looking for a river." 
 
 " A river ! Oh, you're standing on it. They've 
 bricked it over it's a drain now." 
 
 " Poor little minnows and sticklebacks ! " I 
 muttered, as I walked on. " How do you enjoy the 
 improvement ? " 
 
 I felt sorry for them. What an end of the world it 
 must have seemed to them when their stream, with its 
 waving reeds and wild flowers, was bricked over and 
 turned into a drain ! 
 
 Having discovered the locality of the stream, I soon 
 found our once isolated cottage, built in by a number 
 of workman's stone dwellings. There were the stables 
 all fallen to decay, where I had often seen our "Becca," 
 who was my mother's maid before my mother was 
 married, take out the mare at daybreak and go for a 
 bareback scamper across the sand-hills and along the 
 Formby shore. The dear old thing, the friend of all 
 us children, is now comfortably settled in a Richmond 
 Almshouse. No woman ever deserved better to end 
 her days in peace, and remain the friend of those she has 
 known and tended from the day of their birth. It 
 is not the fashion for our modern transitory domestic 
 to only have one situation, or devote her life to one 
 family, but our "Becca" does not regret it. How 
 she used to handle a saw and chisel and make my 
 rabbit hutches ; what a shot she was at marbles ; and 
 how she could spin a top she had no rheumatism in 
 those days, poor old dear. 
 
 When I repaired to the Assembly Rooms, where 1 
 had that night to sing, I had still more cause for 
 astonishment. The whole building was beautifully 
 arranged for entertainments of various kinds, with 
 every convenience which experience could suggest. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 15 
 
 At night the room was crowded with an audience 
 entirely in full dress, which is very complimentary to 
 the entertainer, and gives him or her a very favourable 
 opinion of the residents. Liverpool audiences, I con- 
 sider, are among the best in England. 
 
 Full of the change I had seen, I told the audience 
 of the place as I knew it, how the ground below and 
 around us was a warren, which I thought was historical 
 and amusing. They seemed to accept my facts with 
 a good deal of caution. In the interval some ladies 
 came to be introduced, when one of them said, " I 
 suppose, Mr Ganthony, you tell that story of your 
 childhood's home everywhere you go?" It is a bit 
 hard when you do happen to speak the truth that you 
 are not believed ! But I always find that when I 
 romance a bit people say, " I know that happened," 
 and when I speak the truth they say, " Where do you 
 expect to go to ? " 
 
 The reception rooms off from the hall are elegantly 
 furnished and admirably suited to receive people, so 
 we had quite a little conversazione after the entertain- 
 ment. The audience then drove away, expressing 
 themselves delighted with their evening, and so 
 finished up the week in what seemed to me a very 
 sensible fashion. The hon. secretary, a prominent 
 Liverpool lawyer I am on my oath now went off 
 with my sister's bag containing, I believe, curling 
 irons, powder puff, hairpins, and a bottle of the most 
 nauseous cough mixture ever concocted ; I know this 
 because that evening she had tried to poison me with 
 it. His bag contained the pair of trousers, dirty collar, 
 muddy boots, and coloured necktie he wore down, and 
 a pair of pyjamas an indifferent substitute to a 
 young lady for an embroidered and befrilled night- 
 dress. The oldest, ramshackle cab I ever saw in my 
 life drew up after everybody had departed and my 
 
16 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 sister's "carriage" was at the door. The door could 
 give it points in regard to paint and stability. Into 
 this vehicle she got with her Alonzo, the gentleman 
 who has given her her last engagement (a marital one), 
 and was driven to Liverpool. 
 
 I returned with one of the directors, Mr Isherwood, 
 to the " Willows," Blundell Sands, where as his guest 
 I remained till Monday, on which evening we played 
 at Southport. It is owing to this gentleman's 
 hospitality, which kept me in Crosby, that this book 
 contains a few more references to my "childhood's 
 home." 
 
 On Sunday morning we went for a twelve-mile walk 
 along the shore, and it was curious what a crowd of 
 things different scenes brought to my mind, of which 
 otherwise I should never have thought again. 
 
 That awful day on which the Royal Charter was 
 wrecked my father and a brother dentist went duck- 
 shooting. On the previous day I thought my dad 
 should look as smart as his friend, and, turning my 
 attention to his fowling-pieces, I, with the aid of a 
 piece of sandpaper, removed the bronze from the 
 barrels, and, after a hard day's work, made them as 
 bright as a military rifle, of course spoiling them. It 
 is to my parent's credit that he didn't thrash me ; 
 he didn't, or I should have remembered it. He saw 
 that I had meant well, and merely explained to me 
 that my energies had been misdirected. Next morning 
 we started in a basket gig in which, when we reached 
 the Alt river, I was to return alone, leaving my elders 
 to go after the ducks. Driving back I saw a lot of 
 snipe, so, having a gun, I thought that I would have 
 some sport too. I stopped the pony, and, full of 
 excitement, blazed away right into the birds, the kick 
 of the gun throwing me flat on my back. I rose to 
 find the birds also on their backs. These I bagged, 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. I? 
 
 and picking up the gun, I returned to the spot where I 
 had left the gig, to discover that the pony had bolted at 
 the report of the fowling-piece, and, with the gig, now 
 formed an almost indistinct object on the horizon. 
 When I came home I informed my mother what had 
 happened, whereupon she told Jim (I think that was 
 his name) to get on the mare and ride to Waterloo and 
 see if he could hear anything of "Tom" and the basket 
 trap. The man stared at her and said, " Go and find 
 the pony, marm ? Why, he's been home these two 
 hours." He had found the pony and gig outside the 
 stable, and, supposing we had left them there, put 
 both away. 
 
 The river Alt, which empties itself into the sea near 
 Formby Lighthouse, is a tidal river which, with the 
 great rise and fall of the sea on this coast, some 1 5 
 or 20 feet, leaves its sloping banks deep in slimy 
 mud, at the bottom of which the river runs at ebb 
 tide. Here we used to play at being "crocodiles," 
 which was not enough ; we ought to have been croco- 
 diles to run the risks we did in the pursuit of enjoy- 
 ment. To play at " crocodiles" we would first undress, 
 then crawl upon our stomachs to the river from the 
 sand-hills across the hot sand, glide down the muddy, 
 slimy bank into the water, our pace increasing as we 
 did so. On reaching the river we had to turn sharply 
 in the water to avoid going head first into the 
 opposite bank, when suffocation would have been an 
 immediate consequence, as no swimming and no 
 exertion will free you from a dive into mud. To get 
 out, we had a rope from the top of the bank to the 
 river, by which we pulled ourselves out with our 
 hands, coming out of the mud like Basuto piccaninnies. 
 To dry ourselves, we rolled in the hot sand, and when 
 dry, removed the mud, which came off in cakes, after 
 which we resumed our clothes. Fashionable folk 
 
 B 
 
1 8 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 take mud baths now, or I should have felt constrained 
 to omit this recollection from my repertory. 
 
 When I took leave of my kind host on the Monday 
 morning, I went for another stroll to the scenes of my 
 early days. They looked dismal and deserted, for the 
 fashion and glory of the place had gone to the once 
 lonely railway station, though nothing seemed more 
 unlikely in my time, but this is always what does 
 happen ; so, speculative land purchasers, buy with this 
 fact in memory. 
 
 I was taking a last look at " Beach Cottage " the 
 name has just come back to me when an old man 
 passed and wished me good-day. I asked him if he 
 knew if Thomas Holden, our former landlord, was 
 alive, and he replied, " I be alive, or I couldn't get 
 about as I do." All his children, their children, his 
 wife, and all his kith and kin had died and left him. 
 Having answered my questions he asked who I was, 
 and I told him. 
 
 " Lor 1 , you have growed ! " he exclaimed. 
 
 " One does in forty years," I replied. 
 
 " I remember you ; you was a sturdy little chap in 
 them days, and my ! what fat legs you had ! and you 
 have got 'em still, and them plaid trousers sets 'em 
 off too ! What a pretty woman your mother was ; 
 my! she were a pretty woman, and so pleasant, and a 
 foreigner, too ! Dear, dear ! Come in and see the old 
 place." I assented and followed him. " I live here 
 myself now ; it's a bit lonely at times. It's your furni- 
 ture, same tables and chairs, same wall-paper no, I 
 ain't sure about the wall-paper. If my land had been 
 them sand-hills near railway I should have been a rich 
 man now. There's a lot of luck in life. We call the 
 place after Mr Blundell. Ah ! he knew how to buy land, 
 he did. Glad to have seen you growed up as you have 
 done. Good-day," and we shook hands and parted. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 19 
 
 Returning by the green which ran down to the sea, 
 and which was then the fashionable quarter, I came to 
 a side lane which brought to my mind the recollec- 
 tion of a piratical band, of which I grieve to have to 
 acknowledge that I was a member. In this lane there 
 was an old green door which formerly admitted us 
 through a kitchen garden to the pirates' cave a 
 disused greenhouse. The gardener permitted us to 
 occupy it on being allowed to charge the members a 
 penny a week each for rent, which brought him in 
 elevenpence every Saturday. This he accepted, know- 
 ing that we had " power to add to our numbers," and 
 the advent of new members would probably increase 
 his rent roll to a shilling, which sum, he thought, ought 
 to be the minimum " the least " was the expression 
 he used, as he had not the command of language which 
 I have since that time acquired. I found the bolts 
 and hinges rusted away, so I entered without difficult}', 
 and the remnants of frame and glass showed me where 
 the pirates' cave had once offered a retreat to as fierce 
 a body of desperadoes as ever sucked lollipops. 
 
 While contemplating the cave I stepped back a little 
 out of the draught, and this action drew my attention 
 to my altered age. What member of the piratical band 
 troubled about draughts ? pshaw ! they didn't know 
 that there were such things. I laughed as I lighted a 
 cigar and looked with different eyes at the same piece 
 of God's earth. Among the dank weeds growing 
 inside the greenhouse I found a rusty table knife, 
 which I wiped on the grass, and have now among the 
 treasures in my study. We were all armed with a 
 weapon of similar pattern, which were more easily 
 procured than regulation daggers. These we stuck in 
 our belts, upon these we swore our oaths, and with 
 these we ate our food in the days of the once 
 powerful but now widely dispersed piratical band. 
 
20 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 My recollections of being a pirate are not those of 
 unalloyed enjoyment. I was appointed "guard," as 
 my eyes prevented me from attending school and thus 
 gave me the necessary leisure, and as I was the only 
 one who had a pony I was also the " cavalry." The 
 combined duties of " guard " and " cavalry " were 
 varied and onerous. I had to collect wood from the 
 shore for our camp fires and cooking, catch fish, and 
 pick up cockles or other edible molluscs for the 
 sustenance of my comrades, and surreptitiously 
 convey from home any table delicacy which occasion 
 offered me an opportunity of appropriating. I was 
 the youngest member of the band, which appeared to 
 me a very exacting body, who drew their table knives 
 and indulged in threats so unceasingly that I 
 remember I got very weary and not a little appre- 
 hensive of their society. I not only caught minnows 
 for their sustenance, but had to dress and prepare them 
 no easy task with poor eyesight and a blunt table 
 knife. The captain had a flintlock pistol, which rather 
 alarmed me, as he hinted several times that if there 
 was any insubordination in the ranks (which meant 
 me), and the funds permitted him, he would buy 
 some powder and load it. The funds never did admit 
 of his carrying his threat into execution, so the beastly 
 weapon remained comparatively harmless. To obtain 
 vegetables the captain organised raids on the various 
 gardens whose owners cultivated kitchen stuff with 
 sufficient success to make it worthy of our cupidity. 
 These raids were more successful than one by a 
 medical hero in South Africa just after I left, until 
 one night when we made a terrible onslaught on 
 an old chap's radishes. The old chap whose 
 analysis of our footprints on his carefully raked 
 beds had led him to anticipate our visit suddenly 
 rose from behind a gooseberry bush and fired upon 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 21 
 
 us two barrels from the noisiest gun I ever heard, 
 when the whole band fell to the earth like winged 
 partridges. Astonished to find myself still alive, I 
 got back to the greenhouse the pirates' cave, I 
 mean and found them all there in solemn conclave. 
 That night we swore with uplifted table knives that 
 after the old chap's most ungentlemanly behaviour 
 we would never patronise his garden again, and that 
 oath the piratical band religiously kept. 
 
 Where are the members of the piratical band now ? 
 Do any of them cultivate suburban gardens and 
 peevishly complain of the wanton behaviour of their 
 youthful neighbours, and mourn the loss of their 
 gooseberries that " pass in the night," and the apples 
 that are, as far as the owner is concerned, " born to 
 blush unseen ? " 
 
 This recent visit to the North reminds me of 
 many things that happened between the time that 
 I was three and thirteen, to a few of which I will 
 allude. 
 
 Liverpool was noted for its baths when public baths 
 were not so common as now. We had the Cornwallis 
 Street and the St George's, the latter being of 
 filtered salt water. As soon as I could walk, my 
 father took me to the St George's and taught me to 
 swim, which I learnt before he had learnt to undress 
 me a difficult operation, as I wore petticoats, stays, 
 and other apparel of feminine intricacy. I remember 
 to this day his showing me in that crystal-clear water 
 how to float, when I thought what a wonderful man 
 my father must be an opinion his increasing years 
 only serves to confirm. There was so little of me that 
 I always swam like a dog at first in order to keep up. 
 
 My mother gave me a bow and a quiver of arrows, 
 and, as these were only to be used when I recited 
 " My name is Norval," I took them with me to the 
 
22 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 baths, leaving them in the dressing-box when I 
 entered the water. Some bathers, I presume with an 
 idea of gaining a practical experience of savage war- 
 fare, began shooting at each other with them. They 
 tossed up who should have the first three shots, and 
 then those who became the targets got out of range 
 as expeditiously as possible, diving and dodging to 
 escape the not unerring, but sufficiently accurate to be 
 uncomfortable, aims of the archer in momentary 
 possession of the bow and its quiver of three arrows. 
 As they warmed to the excitement of the chase, the 
 bath became absolutely dangerous, for an arrow from 
 a toy bow does not strike you pleasantly when you 
 are in puris naturalibus which is Latin for having 
 left your clothes in a bathing machine. I rather 
 enjoyed seeing them hit each other, till I perceived 
 the beautiful green velvet band come off my bow and 
 float in the water, and the feathers of the arrows 
 follow their example, while the quiver, which was of 
 brown paper, became an unpleasant mass of mere 
 pulp. The ruin of my bow and arrow brought tears 
 to my eyes, though I am inclined to think that the 
 men whose bodies were punctured with arrow marks 
 had more cause to cry than I had. 
 
 It was at the Cornwallis Street Baths that I made 
 my first public appearance, at the annual swimming 
 match in the race for boys under fourteen, and it all 
 came about through a chum named M'Kenzie. 
 " You should go in for it," said he. " You won't win, 
 because I am going to win, but it will give you 
 confidence for another time." 
 
 The entrance money seemed to me a small 
 fortune ; but my father advanced that cheerfully, 
 and always gave me a sixpence to go and practise, 
 and also taught me how to swim on my side, and turn 
 and kick off when I got to the end of the bath. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 23 
 
 When the night came I was artful enough to 
 discard my swimming drawers, knowing how they 
 impede one's progress through the water. This 
 occurred to some of the boys as we all stood in a row 
 on the spring-board, and they expostulated ; but the 
 umpire said, "What did it matter with a child like 
 that?" 
 
 One two three off! shouted the starter, and we 
 dived then. 
 
 I remember struggling among a lot of boys' legs in 
 the water, getting kicked on the head, in the back, 
 and scratched all over with their toe nails, until I 
 found an opening and came to the surface. After 
 two lengths there were only five of us my friend 
 M'Kenzie, the canny Scot, a bad fifth. He told me 
 that he was going to win, so I expected to see him 
 come surging forward, but he didn't. In the last 
 length we were only three. The one who was third 
 made a dash forward, to which I responded, and we 
 left the other boy behind. The auditors on the sides 
 of the bath began to get wonderfully excited, and 
 took up the cry, " The Sprat will win ! " The " Sprat " 
 knew what it was about, kept cool, and swam without 
 splashing. In the home length I had my opponent 
 on my left, and could see him without turning, 
 whereas he had to turn to see where I was, which of 
 course impeded his progress. When I had but half a 
 length to win I swam my fastest, and drew away from 
 him, and touched the wall amid a roar of laughter and 
 applause, which was further increased when I walked 
 on the spring-board and made them all a polite bow 
 to cries of " Bravo, Sprat ! " 
 
 The Mayor of Liverpool gave me a silver pencil 
 case and a lot of good advice, which I forgot before I 
 reached home, where I discovered that I had lost the 
 pencil case ; so I had nothing left to mark the event 
 
24 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 but the eulogium of the press, which, as I was not an 
 actor then, I read with interest and pleasure. 
 
 Almost the first winter that I can remember I was 
 taught to skate, and, while still in petticoats, could 
 cut a three and do the outside edge backwards. 
 
 Each year we went to Sefton meadows, which were 
 annually flooded to the depth of about three feet. This 
 gave acres of skating without any danger except to 
 myself, as I was credited with being the only skater 
 who was small enough to drown. I had, of course, 
 this comforting reflection that I was also the least 
 likely to break the ice by my weight. I believe the 
 rustics in short smocks, who tied wooden skates on to 
 their hobnail boots and spent the whole day going 
 round the meadows, like a flock of ducks, one after 
 the other are still, year after year, doing the same 
 thing. Sometimes we drove to Sefton and sometimes 
 we went by train. It was cold driving, and so it was 
 at the little station, the small waiting room of which 
 was, of course, crowded, only the lucky few getting 
 near the fire. The less fortunate would get up a cry 
 that the train was coming, but that trick was old and 
 no one would move. I told my father and uncle that 
 I would get them out, which I did by ringing the 
 station bell violently ; then they left the room 
 hurriedly to secure good places in the train, while our 
 party got round the fire and spent the next half-hour 
 in comfort. 
 
 " What did you mean by ringing that bell ? " asked 
 the stationmaster. 
 
 " I meant to get a seat by the fire," replied a little 
 voice, and no more was said. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 25 
 
 jfrom Xlverpool to tRlcbmonft, Surrey. 
 
 DENTISTRY in England is not what it was in India, 
 and my father got sick of it and retired when I was 
 thirteen to live at Richmond, where we have remained 
 ever since. 
 
 What a lovely rural place Richmond was in those 
 days, and here change has been as great as in the 
 North! The District Line had only just then been 
 completed, and people not having become accustomed 
 to it, clung to the old route via Waterloo. The crowds 
 that fill the station on Sundays and holidays now 
 were not known. There were no cripples with sores 
 and wounds, who make holiday resorts so cheerful, to 
 delight you as you came out of the station ; no men 
 drawing on the pavement. The Richmond Cricket 
 Club was content to play on our village green ; yes, 
 and we played the " All England " eleven there, and 
 the town turned out to sec it. At the old Richmond 
 theatre, of which I have Charles Kean's knocker on 
 my MS. cupboard, we played burlesques and plays, 
 and it was at these performances that I made my 
 debut and my first successes as an actor. How this 
 theatre went down and got out of favour ! At the 
 last performance I saw there was a man lying down 
 on the seats in the pit, and holding up an umbrella to 
 keep off the rain which came through the roof. As 
 he was the only occupant in that portion of the 
 house, no one behind him complained, as people do, 
 with reason, of the all-obscuring matinee hat. 
 
 My father bought a number of houses which, by 
 pulling down and building up, he made into a good 
 residence with a large garden. From this house, which 
 was in the town, right away to St Mathias Church, 
 all was fields. Mount Ararat, now a closely-packed 
 
26 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 row of villas, was then a country lane with a stream 
 running down one side, overhung with blackberry and 
 hawthorn. The only building, with the exception of 
 Admiral Stopford's, half-way up the hill, was a cottage 
 at which lived a gipsy who let out donkeys and sold 
 milk from the cows which grazed in the fields next our 
 garden, where we often shot starlings. The gipsy 
 didn't mind, provided we did not pepper his cows. 
 
 Gboostns a profession. 
 
 WHEN my father asked me what I would like to be, 
 I answered with perfect frankness that I should prefer 
 to do nothing, and was accounted a fool, yet there are 
 plenty of men I know, who, if they had their choice 
 to-morrow, would give the same answer as I did, 
 provided they were not restricted as to the amount 
 of whisky they were to consume while following their 
 new existence. 
 
 " Have you no ambition, no desire to gain distinc- 
 tion and fame?" asked my father, a little out of temper. 
 I replied that I was animated by none of the feeling 
 to which he had made reference. 
 
 " You will have to do something." 
 
 "Why?" I answered. "Uncle Charles didn't do 
 anything, why should I ? " 
 
 " Your uncle had a private income, which makes all 
 the difference." 
 
 " Where did he get it?" I asked. 
 
 " What are you going to do for a living ? " retorted 
 my father, in a voice that put an end to further 
 inquiry. 
 
 " Well, if I can't do nothing, I will be a king." 
 
 I had an idea that kinging was an indolent life 
 spent principally on a throne with hanging curtains. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 2? 
 
 Had I known the hard work to be gone through to 
 be the Prince of Wales I would not have chosen a 
 regal life. Did you, dear reader, ever cut up the beef 
 for a school treat, or mow a lawn with a pair of shears ? 
 Did you ever give away two or three chests of medals 
 to colonial troops ? Spend an hour receiving purses 
 one by one ? Did you ever hold your arm out for five 
 minutes? If not, try it, and you will find there is 
 work in playing at royalty. Had I met as many 
 kings and queens, and been at as many functions as 
 I have since, I should never have considered that 
 being a king meant a life of indolence and ease. The 
 profession of king I gave up at that time with 
 reluctance, and decided that, if I could not lead a 
 monarchical life, I would be an architect. Having 
 decided to become an architect, the next question was 
 how to do it. The solution came in the shape of an 
 advertisement in the Daily Telegraph from a Quaker 
 architect who wanted an articled pupil. Upon this 
 gentleman we called. 
 
 When a father asks a boy what he would like to 
 be, he asks the boy's opinion of the mental picture 
 he has formed of the business he is about to adopt, 
 which is very often a different thing altogether to 
 reality. 
 
 I expected to find at an architect's office a spacious 
 studio, large drawing boards, with plans in progress 
 of stately cathedrals, with ladies in bright coloured 
 frocks crossing to prayers under the heads of 
 prancing horses pulling gorgeous carriages, and 
 emerald green foliage growing out of burnt sienna 
 branches, as one does in a completed form in the 
 office windows of an estate agent ; but how different 
 was the realisation of my dreams ! 
 
 We climbed up a rickety stair of an office off 
 Oxford Street into a dingy room, where the Quaker 
 
28 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 architect and what was, presumably, an articled pupil, 
 were with difficulty discovered in dense clouds of 
 tobacco smoke. The pupil, as I had anticipated, was 
 designing a church, and this, together with the fact of 
 his master being a Quaker, gave us assurance of their 
 respectability, and a renewal of that confidence we felt 
 was leaving us. 
 
 " You I mean thee must get thy son a box of 
 compasses," remarked the architect, offering us a 
 chair, which necessitated his standing. To which my 
 father remarked that of course such things were 
 essential and that he would get them. 
 
 " Nay," replied the Quaker, " I will get thy son 
 these things." 
 
 " Very well," said my father. 
 
 " I can get thy son these things much cheaper than 
 he could ; men in this world take advantage of youth 
 and inexperience." 
 
 My father offered to pay for the articles, and the 
 Quaker readily accepted his proposition and the 
 money. 
 
 On the next day at nine o'clock I went to the 
 architect to enter upon my duties, and found the 
 place deserted. I waited some time and then inquired 
 at a public-house about him, and as the Quaker owed 
 the landlord for sundry doses of liquid refreshment, he 
 was sufficiently interested in the information I brought 
 to go with me to his office. The publican did not 
 accept the Quaker's sudden disappearance in the 
 philosophic spirit that I did, but gave indulgence to a 
 series of invective unfit for publication, at least in 
 these pages. I went home not quite comprehending 
 the whole transaction, and this experience concluded 
 my first attempt at getting my own living. 
 
:TIUI 
 
 RANDOM RECOLLECTTONS. 29 
 
 5n tbe 
 
 HAVING had enough of architecture, I went in for 
 commerce. Mr Edward Higgin (a relative of" Bellew " 
 the reciter, and like him originally named O'Higgins), 
 who was a great friend of my father out in India, 
 where for years they used to take their before sunrise 
 rides together, happening to dine at our house and 
 hearing of the "Quaker" incident, offered me a place 
 in his office. Before doing so he gave me some 
 dictation and arithmetic. I did so badly that he told 
 me he offered me the situation not for what I had 
 done, but out of friendship for my father, which 
 struck me at the time as a very uncomplimentary 
 method of engaging me. He further said that I 
 should begin at fifty pounds a year, which, to a certain 
 extent, assuaged my wounded feelings. I did not 
 enjoy this salary long, as it was decreased each 
 year with a regularity that showed how little my 
 services were appreciated. Just as I thought of 
 expostulating, the firm failed and I retired from 
 commerce. 
 
 I remember the first day I went to the office I sat 
 clown at a desk and no one took any notice of me ; it 
 was not their duty to give me anything to do, and 
 Mr Higgin was away. It seemed better than school, 
 because there were no masters and no one played 
 tricks on you as they do on a new boy. At two, some 
 one said, " Why don't you go out to dinner ? " which I 
 did, and when they all left I went home, where I 
 found all my aunts and relatives eager to hear how I 
 liked the city and my new duties. Then I was told 
 what an important step it was in life, and how by 
 honesty, perseverance, and a lot of other things, I 
 should become an alderman like my grandfather, to 
 
30 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 which position I never had any ambition, and while 
 my success in life was being discussed and my 
 health drunk, I went for a long walk. I thought 
 that I would try to please everybody, and 
 I went to the Birkbeck Institute after office hours, 
 and slaved at arithmetic and book-keeping ; but if I 
 understood it one night, it all left me the next day, 
 and I seemed so foolish that I gave up the classes, 
 and spent my time at the night art schools instead, 
 which I never regretted. How different a feeling 
 have I had when I have since been to the Birkbeck 
 Institute to entertain the students, and heard the 
 cheers and laughter with which my visits were 
 greeted, sending them away ready for any amount of 
 work, for which an evening's relaxation with me had 
 fitted them ! Such is the difference of employing the 
 talents you have, and trying to do that for which you 
 are by Nature unfitted. " Never do nothing what 
 isn't yer forte, for, if you do, you'll find yerself a 
 splashing around the canal, figuratively speaking," 
 says Artemus Ward poor E. C. Browne, who made 
 the world laugh, and was buried by the Savage Club 
 in 1867. 
 
 3n tbe Xaw, 
 
 NEXT to commerce, I suppose the profession for 
 which I was most unsuited would be the law, so I 
 thought I would try that, and I found myself in the 
 Temple. The result of this was that my employer's 
 nephew fired me with the idea of going abroad, and, 
 as his experiences went to prove the folly of genteel 
 emigration, I determined to emigrate. 
 
 My father took a broad view of the matter, and 
 generalised on the subject of our nation as colonists, 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 31 
 
 and how desires like mine had led to the foundation 
 of empires, whereas friends of narrower views asked 
 me what the devil I was going to do when I got 
 there ? 
 
 "If Englishmen had always talked like that we 
 should have no colonies at the present moment," 
 remarked my father. 
 
 I agreed with him, and suggested that I had better 
 go out first class, as there was quite enough dis- 
 comfort on board ship under the best of circumstances. 
 Any possible discomfort that I might suffer he seemed 
 to be perfectly resigned to, and advised me either to 
 work my passage, and have some occupation, or go 
 out steerage. As I had, for pecuniary reasons, to 
 follow his advice, I purchased a cheap ticket for San 
 Francisco, via Panama, and gave up the Temple and 
 all chance of legal distinction, and sailed, or rather 
 steamed, for New York. 
 
 to Bmertca. 
 
 WHEN I arrived at Lime Street Station, Liverpool, 
 which is on the way to the United States, I was met 
 by a number of kind friends whom I had never seen 
 before. One old man suggested that I should go to 
 bed, but, as the clock in the station was ten minutes 
 past six, I scorned the idea, and determined to go 
 and see the house at which we formerly lived. After 
 walking about for some time and finding no one up, 
 and our house turned into a bakery which was not 
 yet open, I began to think that something was wrong, 
 especially as the clocks indicated that it was about 
 four. On returning to the station, and looking 
 at the clock to ascertain if I had seen it aright, I found 
 it was still ten minutes past six, and also discovered 
 
32 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 that the hands were merely painted, as a porter told 
 me, to see what size clock was wanted. The man 
 who had offered me the bed was not to be seen, so I 
 wandered about till the advance of day made 
 Liverpool a little more companionable. In the 
 St George's market I bought an orange the first 
 thing I could get and I never have tasted a 
 better one. Waiting about I was persuaded to 
 buy a number of tin pans and mugs, bedding, etc., 
 which I was told all emigrants required, but which I 
 never used, and with these not very ornamental 
 additions to my luggage 1 found myself on the 
 landing stage. 
 
 What troubles a lad of eighteen with a prospect 
 of seeing the world before him ? I had gone 
 through worse troubles up the river camping out 
 a good training this for young fellows who may 
 have to rough it ! There was a man there who had 
 with him a whip and saddle and other things that 
 made him appear to me a regular colonist ; but in 
 that I was mistaken. A cheerful little sturdy man 
 borrowed a light from me, and he told me that he 
 had crossed several times, and had a ranch out West. 
 He had nothing but a small handbag, and seemed to 
 smile at the man with the saddle and whip. This 
 little man was never ill, and devoted himself to 
 making the women and children happier during the 
 whole of the voyage out. We scrambled out of the 
 tender up on to the Servia, and found huddled 
 together on the forecastle, lads, men, women, babies, 
 and children of all ages, some crying. The poor 
 mothers, who should have had someone to look after 
 them, were fully occupied attending to their children, 
 who wanted all sorts of things it was impossible to pro- 
 cure for them. Suddenly the big steamer trembles, the 
 land on each side appears to be slipping away, and 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 33 
 
 we know that we are leaving Old England and about 
 to trust ourselves to the mercies of the ocean. The 
 roughest time we had was crossing to Queenstown, 
 when the steerage did not become attractive. I took 
 my tin bowl and had a basin of soup, which I ate on 
 deck, and that was the only time I tasted the steerage 
 fare ; after that I made other arrangements with a 
 steward, who, for a pound, agreed to supply me with 
 the first cabin fare as he could get it. The meals 
 were fairly regular, and the steward was a faithful 
 steward and earned his pound. When he had rescued 
 anything for me from the table of the maritime Dives, 
 he would, either by a sudden touch on the arm or a 
 wink or nod, indicate that I was to follow him to his 
 cabin, where he would have a combination of good 
 things, not selected according to gastronomic rule, 
 but rather as chance permitted him to procure them. 
 I might dine off a cherry pie or an entire duck, a good 
 helping of salmon or what not. At all events I had 
 as much, if not rather more, than I could eat, and as 
 regards the variety of food that voyage strongly 
 impressed me with the different things that the 
 human digestion could master without caving in. On 
 the "glorious fourth of July" I was asked to paint 
 a design for the cabin Britannia, and a figure repre- 
 senting America which I did, and received a cabin to 
 myself, and meals during the progress and completion 
 of the picture, which gave the steward a rest. While 
 waiting off Queenstown for the mails I made a 
 water colour of the scene, when, to my surprise, the 
 sailors cleared a gangway so that I might have an 
 uninterrupted view. The officers watched the pro- 
 gress of my work through their glasses from the bridge. 
 After that I was kept busy taking likenesses of pas- 
 sengers and sailors till I had filled two sketch books. 
 What curious ideas these steerage emigrants 
 C 
 
34 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 had ! One man's idea in going abroad was to try a 
 coffee machine that he had with him. He said how 
 convenient it was, as, should he find himself out on 
 the plain, he could always have a cup of coffee in a 
 few minutes. It had not occurred to him that the 
 easiest way would be to make a fire with the 
 materials at hand. We persuaded him to make us a 
 cup of coffee, which he nearly did after a two hours' 
 endeavour, and had not a wave dispersed him and 
 the expectant coffee drinkers, and scattered his 
 apparatus and contents all over the forecastle, he 
 might have done so. The ambition of another was to 
 have a gold watch. Another had a drunken wife, 
 and he settled the whole business of divorce by a 
 ticket to the New World. A steady little carpenter 
 this man was, who was not happy till the sailors let 
 him have some work to do. There is no need of 
 anxiety for a man like that in a new country. I had 
 a Mexican hammock with me which I slung up from 
 one pillar to another of the dining saloon when the 
 rest had retired, and found it very comfortable and 
 select. Thus I neither dined nor slept in the 
 steerage. One morning at dawn it grew so cold that 
 I asked the sailor guarding the hold why it was so, 
 and he said that we were passing an iceberg. I 
 rushed upstairs and saw the most glorious sunrise I 
 ever beheld. A few miles off a large iceberg 
 glittered with all the prismatic hues of a cut 
 diamond. I tried to sketch it, but the air was so 
 cold that I could scarcely hold a pencil, and this in 
 July. I did make a sketch, though, and the captain 
 pasted it in the log-book. Do you remember it, 
 captain, or have you gone where icebergs cease 
 from troubling ? We saw a shark one day, to which 
 one of the steerage passengers threw a pie he had 
 bought in Liverpool. The shark swallowed it with a 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 35 
 
 bit of a grimace, which was probably due to the fact 
 of the pie being stale and the dish not having been 
 removed. There was a little girl in the steerage who 
 seemed very lonely and miserable. Her father was 
 on board, and left his child to rough it in the 
 steerage ! but he had gone first class. So going first 
 class is not always a guarantee that you meet 
 first-class people, is it ? 
 
 A day or so off the "Banks," with the steam- 
 whistle boo-booing through a thick fog : this clears 
 away and we get a first view of America, a low-lying 
 bank, in the dawn of early morn. How refreshing 
 the green banks of Statten Island look after a week 
 of horizon-reaching water. How the passengers on 
 the beam-engine steamers on their summer excursions 
 to Long Branch and other watering places wave us a 
 greeting, and with what eager cheers the emigrants 
 respond to this welcome to a new land. May fashion 
 in America never dull this kindly greeting; no lady 
 hesitates now to wave to the incoming stranger. 
 
 At Castle Gardens more friendly strangers of the 
 "crimp" order awaited us, this time to change our 
 sterling gold into smelling emblems of credit in the 
 shape of greenbacks (gold was sold in those days at 
 varying daily prices, for America had not then 
 returned to specie payments). Castle Gardens struck 
 me as a very pretty part of the city, with its shade, 
 trees, and glimpses of shipping. The day or two 
 before the steamer vid Panama started I employed see- 
 ing what I could of the city. One letter of introduction 
 from my father I felt I must use, and so, brushing myself 
 up, I called at the office of Edward Hill, chemical 
 importer. He was surprised and delighted to see me, 
 invited me to spend a few weeks with him and see 
 New York. He would accept no denial, so I let the 
 steamer go without me to Panama, and on the evening 
 
36 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 he had named I presented myself at his office. We 
 crossed the ferry to Brooklyn " the bridge was not 
 then built, sir," as the song says where a pair-horse 
 carriage was waiting for us. The coachman told my 
 host something that annoyed him, but we drove 
 through Brooklyn Park and back to Washington 
 Avenue, where he lived. He had informed me that 
 his wife and children had gone to the hill country to 
 escape the heat, and we should find the house empty ; 
 but he did not tell me that we should find the cook 
 " full," the dinner spoilt, and the whole place in con- 
 fusion. This is what we did find. We carried the 
 cook into the stable, where she could sleep off the 
 effect of the numerous bottles she had sampled. My 
 friend was quite upset over this incident. 
 
 " I wouldn't let it worry you," I said. 
 
 " I shall not," he replied. " I shall go and put up 
 at the Hoffman House, and I am sorry that I shall 
 not be able to entertain you as I had looked forward 
 to doing." 
 
 "Here's a nice affair," I thought to myself. "I 
 have let the steamer go, and have now a fortnight to 
 wait in an expensive city like New York ! " 
 
 Having, with the coachman's assistance, got the 
 drunken cook out of the way, we found she had 
 prepared enough dinner to be eatable, so we sat down 
 and made the best of it. 
 
 After dinner, as we sat smoking on the piazza, I 
 said, "There is something the matter with me. I 
 keep seeing flashes of light gliding about." 
 
 " Those are fire flies lightning bugs they call them 
 here," answered Mr Hill, and my alarm subsided. 
 
 I slept that night in Washington Avenue sur- 
 rounded by mosquito nets, and went over next day 
 to New York with my friend and then left him. I 
 wandered down South Street, and crossed to New 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 37 
 
 Jersey for a blow on the Hudson, for it was very hot. 
 While getting a meal in a small eating-house, I saw 
 in a two-day old paper an advertisement for an artist 
 to draw on wood for engraving. "That would suit 
 me," I thought, so I returned by the next boat, and 
 went up to the address in Broadway. 
 
 " I suppose you have filled this situation ? " I asked, 
 showing the paper. 
 
 " Not a darn soul been near the place," was the 
 answer I got from a lady-like gentleman who came 
 to greet me. 
 
 " Well, a * dam soul ' has come now," I said ; " and 
 can he have the place ? " 
 
 " Have you drawn from the statures and all that ? " 
 
 " I have," I replied, thinking of the night schools at 
 which I had worked. 
 
 " When can you show us what you can do ? " he 
 asked. 
 
 " Now, if you have a pencil and a piece of paper," 
 was my answer. 
 
 A drawing desk was put before me, and I was 
 handed a sheet or so of paper and some pencils. He 
 rang a bell, and a lady came in, and, having fixed a 
 paper dress on a bust, he said, " Now, go ahead, and 
 let's see what you can clo," whereupon they both left, 
 and I settled down to sketch the pattern before me. 
 
 When I had nearly completed it he returned, and 
 approvingly examined what I had done. 
 
 " Don't liquor, do you ? eyes look a bit red." 
 
 " Intemperance is not among my faults," I answered 
 with conviction. 
 
 " What do you want, and when can you come ? " 
 
 " I can come to-morrow, and I want as much as I 
 can get." 
 
 "Twenty-five dollars a week to begin," he suggested, 
 to which amount I agreed. The firm was Butterick 
 
38 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 and Co., and the gentleman Mr Pollard, then starting, I 
 believe, but now with branches in London (Regent 
 Street), Paris, and elsewhere in Europe. There were 
 several artists Dutch, English, and one American. 
 We all worked in a top room with a glass roof. It 
 was a to me congenial occupation. Each man 
 had his day for whistling, when the others were 
 silent. I dislike whistling, and so on my day we 
 drew without musical accompaniment I had a very 
 pleasant time with them for two years, and for their 
 kindness to me I wish them all good luck, and here 
 immortalise them. 
 
 When I got back to Mr Hill's office I told him that 
 I had secured a situation at twenty-five dollars a week, 
 and that I entered upon my duties on the morrow, to 
 which he replied, " I never heard of such a thing I 
 an Englishman come out who doesn't want 
 assistance ! " and he stared at me. 
 
 They had kindly printed on my "'Frisco" ticket 
 that in case the owner did not use any portion the 
 money would be refunded, which it was, after my 
 father threatened to go to law over it. I suspect that 
 when that lot of tickets was exhausted, the new issue 
 said nothing about returning the money. 
 
 Thus it was that a drunken cook changed the whole 
 plan of my life, and caused me to settle in New York, 
 where I spent the happiest seven years I have ever 
 known. 
 
 Having decided to remain in New York, my friend 
 told me that I must get away from Castle Gardens, 
 so I took rooms in Fourteenth Street, then a 
 residential, but now, I believe, a business street for 
 the tide of trade will creep on and swamp the 
 residential portion of prosperous cities, and send it 
 further away. I did not say what my business 
 was for English people carry with them a little 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 39 
 
 snobbery wherever they go and as the winter came I 
 found myself, through the introductions of my friend, 
 invited out a great deal often dancing with young 
 ladies whose frocks I had had a hand in designing. 
 I was fond of part singing then, and belonged to the 
 " Brooklyn Heights Vocal Society " and the " Eight 
 o'clock Club " the first being for men's voices only, 
 on the German plan in vogue in America of having 
 first and second tenor and first and second bass, not 
 an alto as is customary in England ; the second club 
 was for mixed voices. Its members met at each 
 others' houses for the "Eight o'clock Club," practised 
 regularly, and really sang very well. Americans 
 are naturally clever, and do well anything they give 
 their minds to. The male voice club had its own 
 rooms and gave concerts, whereas the others did 
 not, but instead would go out on a yacht on the 
 Sound and sing glees on fine moonlight nights, when 
 the other boats would bring up in the wind behind us 
 to listen, for really good part singing sounds very 
 pleasantly across the water. 
 
 Even then I used to be writing plays. I read 
 one to myself the other day, a colossal work, written 
 on both sides of the paper, and which would take 
 at least three nights to get through. I thought 
 that play a very fine one when I wrote it, but could 
 get no one to learn it. One member of our amateur 
 dramatic club said to me, " You will be able to write 
 a play some day, but you haven't the necessary 
 experience yet." At the time I thought he was 
 rather discouraging me; now I know that he was 
 quite right. Amateurs think they can do anything. 
 
 My acting, singing, and flute playing soon made 
 me popular, and the introductions of my friend gave 
 me an acquaintance with good American society a 
 far more exclusive society, by the way, than English 
 
40 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 people imagine. It shuts its doors to the mass of 
 half-bred, pushing Americans we receive with open 
 arms. 
 
 What lovely summer trips we had to the Catskills ! 
 A steam up the Hudson to the base of the mountains, 
 then a drive in a spider- wheeled buggy. If, as we 
 did, you headed the procession of vehicles, it was a 
 strange sight to look back as you ascended the hills, 
 and see nothing from the ferry whence you started but 
 a dense cloud of dust, through which the sounds of 
 laughter and the shouts of the drivers were the only 
 things to indicate that crowds were following. As 
 the road wended up the mountain we passed a 
 pretty house, the residence of an artist ; then we went 
 through a tunnel which struck a chill through us, the 
 ice in the rocks never melting. With the road on one 
 side abruptly terminating in deep cliffs which meant 
 destruction if the horses shied, we met a man driving 
 alone in a single buggy at a great pace down the 
 mountain road, and, though it was morning, quite 
 drunk. The driver told us it was the doctor, 
 and that he was always that way. A merciful Provi- 
 dence kept the horse sober! In the mountains 
 you are reminded of Rip Van Winkle; the strange 
 men are there gathering wood and playing ten pins, 
 which is the favourite game. Nine pins being made 
 illegal, another pin was added, the law evaded, and 
 the game continued. 
 
 Adding a pin reminds me of a story of Wm. Rignold's. 
 Out in Australia when he was playing his famous 
 part in " The Two Orphans," he was informed at one 
 town that there was a man in a portable theatre who 
 would be certain to put up whatever play he did. To 
 prevent this Mr Rignold sent him a lawyer's letter 
 threatening him with proceedings if he did so, and 
 returned to his friend at whose house he was staying 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 4! 
 
 and said, " I have settled him, and made him take 
 his bills down." " He will play it," said the friend, 
 and next morning when Rignold looked out of his 
 bedroom window, which commanded a view of the 
 portable theatre, he saw put up in large type, " The 
 Three Orphans," which secured the portable theatre 
 the patronage of those who like to get as much as 
 they can for their money. Another Australian story 
 of Rignold's is of a man who toured for years with 
 " East Lynne." Whatever play had recently been a 
 success, whether "Charley's Aunt," "A Pair of Spec- 
 tacles," " Sweet Lavender," he always advertised their 
 names, but went through " East Lynne " with unblush- 
 ing effrontery. 
 
 My social success began after a few years to pall 
 upon me, and a recurrence of my eye trouble, through 
 drawing lace and other close work, compelled me to 
 give up doing what I liked for the more respectable, 
 though wearisome, vocation of wholesale tea im- 
 porting, the dull routine of which made my restless 
 nature long for a change. 
 
 Unfortunately for me, about this time I saw in a 
 shop window a book entitled " How the French Make 
 Fowls Pay." I read the book, and the subject 
 possessed me. If the French make fowls pay, why 
 should not the English ? Was it not a more natural 
 life than this existence of private theatricals and party 
 going ? Did not all the papers advise the youth of 
 the country to leave the cities and work on the land ? 
 I had not discovered then that journalists know more 
 than they do, and wondered why they did not go and 
 work on the land themselves. According to the book 
 it was the easiest thing in the world to make a 
 handsome income out of fowls, and, with an imagin- 
 ation that is useful for dramatic composition, but 
 ruinous for practical enterprise, I saw myself the 
 
42 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 centre figure of flocks of fowls, all bent on laying 
 eggs to increase my revenues, I imagined ; cartloads 
 of plump fowls going off to market, and an army 
 of farm servants looking upon me with grateful 
 fealty as their saviour and benefactor. With my 
 imagination thus fired, my enthusiasm for the China 
 trade began to pale. At this time the firm took 
 in a sleeping partner, whose son entered the 
 office as part of the contract, and as we then had 
 more cats than mice, they viewed my departure with 
 ill-concealed satisfaction. So good-bye to the tea 
 trade and New York society, its glee clubs, its dance 
 parties, its candy pulls, chowder picnics, surprise 
 parties, Germans, private theatricals, etc. etc. Taking 
 a farm at Bound Brook, New Jersey, I retired into 
 pastoral life and devised plans for supplying America 
 with eggs and poultry. 
 
 Gbicfcen jfarm. 
 
 IT was winter when I went down to Bound Brook to 
 see the farm. With the house agent and a friend I 
 drove from the station in a sleigh to the home 
 of my future labours. We had to stoop to pass 
 under the overhanging blocks of ice left by the 
 floods on the roadside, and we found the place buried 
 in snow. The house was pleasantly situate on the 
 rising ground and surrounded by pine trees, a 
 paddock on the right of the private road up to the 
 house, and a pleasure lawn on the left. At the 
 back was a large orchard and open-air vinery, which 
 gave us more fruit than we could dispose of, as we 
 found by experience that fruit and vegetables do not 
 command fancy prices in a New Jersey village. 
 
 I had a brother Richard the actor " in the city," 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS, 43 
 
 groaning under his unnatural existence. He worked 
 at books underground nearly all day by gaslight. 
 To him the poultry scheme seemed a happy issue 
 out of all his troubles, and he quickly made up his 
 mind to join me. Thus it was that two men without 
 any practical experience, but with the contents of 
 every book of poultry by heart, started a very difficult 
 business with a training that rather unfitted them for 
 it. In our case, it was intelligence wrongly employed ; 
 that is, our theories were correct and would have 
 succeeded better had we employed cheaper and more 
 suitable labour to carry them out. 
 
 In matters of poultry farming (or anything else) 
 people always go to extremes they are either going 
 to make a fortune, or they say that poultry cannot 
 possibly pay, the one view being as absurd as 
 the other. Speaking without enthusiasm and with 
 experience, I am sure the wholesale importation of 
 eggs and poultry is a disgrace to our people and 
 a slur upon their thrift and husbandry. Without 
 starting large poultry farms, each cottager should 
 contribute a certain number of eggs and birds to the 
 city markets, instead of leaving it all for the French 
 peasant to do. 
 
 The secret of the business is never to keep a fowl 
 over two years. During that time it is profitable as 
 an egg supplier, and at the end of that time it is still 
 good for the table. Get good serviceable barn-door 
 birds and select the best for stock, and, if you care for 
 them, in a few years, if not before, you will have a 
 serviceable collection. It is the old birds, which eat 
 enormously, seldom lay, and are too tough to be 
 eaten, which kill the profits of poultry-keeping. You 
 will see plenty of these wherever poultry is kept in 
 England. Nothing which can be grown should be 
 purchased. 
 
44 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 Among the books, " An Egg Farm " fascinated us 
 the most it was so delightfully theoretical. The fowl 
 houses (according to the author of " An Egg Farm"*) 
 should be underground an excavation, in fact, with 
 a wooden roof which could be raised to admit of 
 entrance to clean them. This style of house we 
 adopted, and a-carpenter was engaged to make them. 
 He was an honest man, and we had great difficulty 
 in getting him to cut up the wood. He didn't believe 
 in our theories, and would constantly stop when 
 cutting a plank to see if we had not changed our 
 minds. It evidently went against his feelings to cut 
 up the wood, as he thought that we were only wasting 
 our time and money. 
 
 When, to begin at the beginning, I had taken the 
 house,! consulted Mrs Hill about furnishing it. Though 
 she and most of the friends I had made in New York and 
 Brooklyn were all against the scheme as being an act 
 of folly, when she found that I had taken the farm she 
 entered into the furnishing of it, and I drove round 
 with her in her brougham and bought everything that 
 we thought was necessary. I met my brother on the 
 landing stage, and after a day in New York (he would 
 not stay longer) we went down to " Brook Farm," as 
 we named the place. 
 
 When you are accustomed to find meals all ready, 
 your bed made when you return to it, the shirts, 
 collars, etc., you throw off always back in your drawer 
 clean, you accept all as a matter of course. When we 
 got down to "Brook Farm" we had to tramp through 
 melting ice and snow those who have experienced 
 spring in New Jersey will sympathise with us. On 
 arrival we found that the man who had been there to 
 
 *This book, we discovered, was a work of pure imagination. 
 The author, after divulging how a fortune could be made with an egg 
 factory, became editor of a poultry paper. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 45 
 
 receive the furniture had let them pile it where 
 they pleased, had hung the key on the door, and 
 left. 
 
 Everything got wet coming down including the 
 bedding for they have a loose way of doing things 
 in a new country. I don't think I ever saw such a 
 muddle in my life. We would have lighted a fire, for 
 we had some wonderful stoves, but the little matter 
 of ordering coals had been entirely forgotten. The 
 whole affair was so absurd that we both burst out 
 laughing. It was growing dark, which reminded us 
 that we had no light. We had thought of cigars and 
 whisky, but other important elements of comfort we 
 had forgotten, and, as the village was some distance 
 and the rain was coming down in torrents, we deter- 
 mined to make the best of it. 
 
 We had to forego tea, and solaced ourselves with 
 our pipes. In a cupboard I found a bit of candle 
 in a rusty candlestick. In the coal cellar we 
 found enough coal left by the previous tenant 
 to make a fire, and, as I had bought an anthracite 
 stove, and it was anthracite coal that we found, we 
 got out the stove, set it in the middle of the room, 
 and tried for an hour or so to light it. 
 
 " You don't expect to light slate, do you ? " my 
 brother asked, sarcastically. 
 
 " This kind of coal is all right when it does 
 light," I replied, for I began to remember stories 
 about it. 
 
 The rain had cleared, and the moon shone brightly, 
 and at my brother's suggestion we decided to take a 
 turn round the grounds. I slammed the door of the 
 stove to, and followed him out. 
 
 We inspected the buildings, and certainly it seemed 
 a very suitable and pretty place for our venture, and 
 we returned with raised spirits to the house, to find on 
 
46 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 entering a splendid fire in the stove which never went 
 out for several months, as by regulating the draughts 
 and dampers we could let it down, and then if we 
 wished we could have a hot fire in a few minutes 
 they are wonderful things are those anthracite stoves. 
 As my brother amused himself unwinding the wet 
 straw from the legs of one of the cane-bottomed 
 chairs, I had the curiosity to inspect a basket that I 
 did not remember ordering. On a tag was written, 
 " This may be useful. -MARY HILL." 
 
 " I feel deuced hungry," remarked my brother. 
 " This climate must agree with me, or else it's the sea 
 voyage and getting away from those gas burners." 
 
 "Corn in Egypt!" I shouted, as I opened the 
 hamper. 
 
 "What's up?" 
 
 "Don't light that pipe. Look, here's a bottle of 
 champagne, a pigeon pie, serviettes, butter, cheese, 
 rolls, coffee, and milk in a tin." 
 
 If you have no mother to look after you in a 
 strange land, thank Heaven if you have a lady friend 
 who has boys of her own and a warm heart. Never 
 do I remember a present that came in more oppor- 
 tunely, or one that was more appreciated. 
 
 We soon uncovered the legs of another chair, 
 secured a table from the collection of furniture the 
 place contained, and before we knew it we had the 
 cloth spread and a capital supper, to which, by the 
 light of the bit of candle, we did ample justice, but 
 not before we drank the health of that kind-hearted 
 English lady who had sent it she who had done so 
 much to make my life happy during my stay in the 
 States, this little thought only being one among 
 many instances of her tender solicitude. She was 
 dying when I last saw her, as she said, " with every- 
 thing to live for." All her enquiries were about the 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 47 
 
 success of our scheme. Of herself she said scarcely 
 more than I have chronicled. Her husband never 
 got over her death. He roused himself when at 
 business, but as he left his head sunk on his breast, 
 and he soon followed her. 
 
 We dried some blankets and a mattress or thought 
 we did and after some coffee and a smoke we decided 
 to " go to bed," as the candle had gone out. We had 
 ceased talking, and were both dropping off to sleep, 
 when we heard a sound of footsteps prowling round 
 the house. This drove the sleep out of me and my 
 brother also. We got out our revolvers and loaded 
 them. When we looked out the moon had set, and it 
 was dark. On the outside of the piazza we both 
 thought we could discern two men creeping round 
 the house. 
 
 " Who's there?" I shouted 
 
 The men appeared to make for the pine trees. 
 
 " If you don't answer I shall fire," I repeated. 
 
 There was no answer, so I fired, and the object 
 moved quickly out of sight. 
 
 We returned, and just got off to sleep when we 
 heard the crash of someone falling outside the door. 
 We listened for a further sound, but all was still, and 
 we fell into a doze and slept till morning. When we 
 opened the front door we found the dead body of a 
 horse. It was customary for people there, when a 
 horse became too old for service, to turn it loose on the 
 road to either pick up a living or die, and as we had 
 not closed the gate on the road, the poor creature had 
 by instinct come at night to the first habitation it 
 could find access to. It was this horse that had been 
 prowling round the house which we had mistaken for 
 two crouching men. Instead of getting on with our 
 own work it took us the best part of next day to 
 remove and bury that dead horse lively work that 
 
48 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 was, and enough to take the energy out of anybody 
 not used to manual labour. 
 
 I had saved and made a good bit of money 
 in business, and the farm soon became alive with 
 carpenters and others getting up fowl houses and 
 putting the place in order generally. It was a 
 tremendous labour, I know that, and at the end of the 
 day we were so tired that we could not walk down to 
 the barn, and the work instead of getting less grew 
 more heavy. 
 
 The domestic aspect of affairs bothered us ; we 
 could not have one servant, and we did not want to 
 hire two, even if we could have got them. Ours was 
 not a situation that was eagerly sought after, and in 
 America servants are not so easy to procure. A 
 German woman who had married an Irish platelayer, 
 not liking to let a chance of making a little money 
 go begging, offered her services, of which she had a 
 not too modest estimate, judging from the salary she 
 asked. 
 
 We engaged her, and as she could only come 
 occasionally twice a week, we bought new cups, 
 saucers, and plates when we dirtied those we used, 
 and stowed them in a separate room. When the 
 German woman came, she said as she saw the room 
 full of crockery, " Mein Gott ! " 
 
 How that woman would talk !~ She didn't say 
 that we were a parcel of fools, but she implied it, 
 and the way she would brag about a hen she had, 
 and a goose, which she always called a " jeese," was 
 sickening. 
 
 " Ah, you poys vas besser and you vas married like 
 me. Dere vas meine schwester lif in der faterland, 
 and der freund of mein husband vant a vife. Me say, 
 Vy not haf meine schwester in Germany? She vill 
 make you a good vife and you get on like steam. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 49 
 
 Den der freund of mein husband say, All right, and she 
 and him get along splendid, only I haf no more 
 schwesteren." 
 
 We thanked her for her desire to supply us with 
 wives, but said we would prefer to choose for ourselves. 
 
 Nearly everybody in that New Jersey village had 
 something to sell. One, I remember, sold us a hand 
 plough. It is a nice name, " hand plough," is it not ? 
 But oh ! when you try it, especially if you are the one 
 who enacts the horse ! Farmer Field, who sold it to 
 us, report gave out, used it in conjunction with a 
 nigger that he had, which may be true, but no two 
 brothers, accustomed in their youth to delicate nurture, 
 would ever put up with a hand plough for more than 
 ten minutes if they took it in turn to drag it. After 
 a short experience of ploughing by hand we got a 
 horse plough and a horse, and we discovered that 
 ploughing is not so easy as it looks, and there is 
 talent in making a straight furrow. 
 
 When we had made the furrow one of us would 
 stand at one end with the basket of seed potatoes and 
 throw them to the other, and when you get well 
 across a field the potatoes are apt to sting your hand, 
 and I am doubtful whether this method acts bene- 
 ficially on the future growth of the potato. I grew 
 some splendid cucumbers and sent them to the village 
 greengrocer, who gave me the equivalent of three 
 halfpence for them, after which I adopted a plan that 
 I wonder is not done more in England when 
 cucumbers get over-ripe, and that is to fry them in 
 fat. This reminds me of the oyster plant we grew, 
 which, when fried, you could not tell from an oyster. 
 Why do these things take so long to come into use 
 here? 
 
 To return to our chickens. Our fame as chicken 
 men spread, and as long as we were not asked to do 
 
 D 
 
50 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 more than to talk about fowls we were all right, and 
 at our " evenings " we had quite an audience of 
 neighbouring farmers who had hitherto looked upon 
 a hen as a hen and a cock as a rooster, whereas our 
 discourse had the effect of making them feel that a hen 
 was an oviparous biped that had to be treated with 
 reverence ; in fact, in a minor degree, the hen was to 
 be worshipped as a Brahmin will worship a bull. 
 
 I could not help thinking of Max Adeler's stories 
 and Frost's pictures as the neighbours strolled round 
 to talk "hens." We didn't forget to bring out refresh- 
 ment and cigars under those pine trees round the 
 house, and so we became popular. As far as theory was 
 concerned we were, as I say, safe, but when a farmer 
 brought round a " rooster " and told us its legs were 
 swelling and left it to be cured, our position became 
 serious. With the " rooster " before us on the table 
 we got out our gallinaceous library to try and find out 
 what was the matter with it. We concluded that 
 it had elephantiasis and doctored it accordingly. 
 Elephantiasis is a small insect that breeds under the 
 scales on the leg of a fowl, causing it to become 
 abnormally large. To cure this we had to rub an 
 ointment on the scales which causes them to fall off, 
 and with them the insect blight. We rubbed in the 
 ointment and off came the scales, when we discovered 
 that the bird without the supporting scales could not 
 stand. We had just made this discovery when there 
 was a knock at the door, and the man came in to know 
 how the rooster was getting on. My brother rammed 
 it under the table and said " splendidly," adding that 
 it was now in the convalescent home, when the man 
 left. What a time those scales took to grow ! and 
 how pale the bird's comb became under our treatment! 
 We put the owner off from time to time. As the 
 scales grew we stood the bird up and taught it to 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 51 
 
 walk, as though it were a child, which, after subjecting 
 it to a lighter diet, it was able to do with the aid of the 
 now budding scales. We did not know what to do 
 about its comb till I thought of painting it, which I 
 did, and I must say that when the owner came, the 
 cock, with its new legs and bright red comb supplied 
 by my oil colour box and a Naples yellow bill from the 
 same source, looked the picture of health. After that 
 we made a small charge for curing fowls and were 
 never troubled with another invalid bird. 
 
 We learnt that German women were much like 
 others, and our dish-washer left us at the mandate of 
 approaching maternity, if such a phrase be not too 
 ornate for a book of this character, and we were again 
 left " without a servant." A young Englishman who 
 worked for us said that he would come with his wife, 
 and she would do for us in return for the use of two 
 rooms. When they got fairly settled we didn't know 
 on Sundays whether we had the house or they. 
 They had crowds of friends who came from their 
 smaller houses in shoals to enjoy an outing among 
 the pines on the hill upon which our house was built. 
 They brought their own tea and cake ; in fact, this was 
 a condition of the invitation ; our boarders supplied 
 the cups and saucers, plates, etc., which they could 
 easily do as we had a room full of crockery. They 
 played games, and took no notice of us whatsoever as 
 we hid away in an out-of-the-way corner smoking in 
 our shirt-sleeves. This went on till his wife got 
 seriously ill, and was one night carried away to her 
 mother's. About this time my health began to give 
 way, and my assistance to my brother became less and 
 less. Nothing, however, daunted my brother. He 
 read his Carlyle and the struggles of Dominie Sampson 
 nightly, until we got as theoretical on the subject of 
 labour as the sage of Chelsea himself; in fact, I think 
 
52 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 the effect of Carlyle on experimental poultry farming 
 by men of education in a new country is pernicious. 
 We read parts of it to our head man, who was as hard 
 a working man as the world contained, and he saw 
 nothing in it. 
 
 The different fancy fowls which we had procured 
 from all parts of America were kept in the under- 
 ground houses, in which they all prospered, but when 
 we tried to sell them at fancy prices we were met 
 with a lack of response that was crushing. 
 
 This set me thinking, and I remembered an Iberia 
 irrigation company in which my father had shares 
 which failed on the same grounds as we did with 
 fancy fowls, for this company built stone canals 
 through Iberia, arguing that with irrigation the 
 Spaniards could grow the finest crops in the world if 
 they used water. The Spaniards could have done so, 
 but, being Spaniards, they were too improvident 
 and too lazy, and would only buy the water to 
 save their crops at time of famine, and this failure to 
 estimate accurately what the Spaniard would do 
 ruined hundreds of English widows and clergymen 
 who had responded to a glowing prospectus. In the 
 same manner we suffered by the same lack of enterprise 
 on the part of the New Jersey farmer, who preferred 
 to go on as he had done. Many enterprises fail just 
 because one point has been overlooked, and, as we 
 had overlooked it, we had no profitable sale for fowls 
 a strain, I think, is the correct term that would 
 materially improve the egg-laying quality of the 
 neighbouring poultry. The experience of the 
 Spanish irrigation company was our experience 
 neither people would invest for a future benefit. 
 
 We discovered that there was a good demand for 
 spring chicken or young fowls at the hotels, so we 
 determined to breed for that market, which we did. 
 
. RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 53 
 
 We tried a French plan of hatching eggs with turkeys, 
 but though the turkey is indigenous to America, 
 those we secured were so wild that we had nothing 
 but disappointment. For this you require turkeys 
 that are like pets, that you can handle, and then they 
 make capital incubators, being ready to sit at any 
 time. In sitting them with hens it was curious how 
 they would rob the hens' nests near them in order to 
 have more eggs for their own. In very hot weather 
 the hens would stay off the nest for half the day, 
 which at first rather alarmed us ; but we found that 
 we could trust to Nature. We solved the problem 
 of how to produce young birds by buying an 
 electrical incubator that held 750 eggs, and then, 
 when hatched, rearing the chickens under glass. In 
 one building we had the incubator, and from this a 
 long glass house divided into pens for the chicks, 
 each pen being supplied with artificial mothers 
 suitable for the sized chicks which inhabitated them, 
 those just hatched, of course, going into the first, 
 those as large as big pigeons being killed and sent to 
 market. Raising chicks in this way made them very 
 tender, and, of course, unfit to breed from ; but, as 
 they were only raised to be eaten, this did not matter. 
 Children attended to the wants of the little birds, and 
 we bred cats to live with the chicks to keep off the 
 rats. Continual clucking made our throats so sore 
 that we called the chicks with whistles, which they 
 came out to. This form of chicken raising when I 
 have time I shall try in England, and see if it cannot 
 be made profitable. Some so-called authorities on 
 poultry scoff at the idea of it being made to pay. 
 But they have told me that a cock will not crow if it 
 cannot raise its head, but, as I have seen one crow 
 with its head on the ground, I do not accept as gospel 
 all they say. 
 
54 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 We had carried the enterprise to a point where it 
 began to pay, when I grew so ill that the pater came 
 out to take me home. I was in a wretched state of 
 mind, having lost nearly all my savings, which loss 
 was aggravated by the fever I caught living so near 
 the brook in a new country. Thinking I should 
 never want my dress suit again, I left all my 
 luggage behind, and walking down to the station 
 with my father, made an undignified return home. 
 My brother continued the business for some time, 
 and then, finding it too much alone, and the funds 
 being exhausted, he gave it up, but remained in 
 the States, where he has married and settled down. 
 He came to London recently for a brief stay, and 
 made a hit in the " Cat and the Cherub." 
 
 We came back by the French line to Havre. 
 The ice was thick on the rigging and deck when 
 we came aboard a dismal embarkation. I re- 
 member the officers and sailors all seemed to be 
 dressed for an operatic performance, and they posed 
 about with an eye for effect. " If I get drowned it 
 will serve me right for trusting my life with such a 
 set of theatrical marines," I said ; but, notwithstanding 
 my prejudice, we were landed safely in Havre. 
 What surprised me was to find men and women busy 
 at their allotments, with spring salad and greens 
 almost ready to gather. In New Jersey the frost 
 wipes off every blade of grass and vegetation, 
 and so I had left it, and the difference was 
 wonderful. 
 
 From Havre in a small steamer we crossed to 
 England. On arrival home I found that things had 
 not been going so smoothly. Eton Lodge had been 
 sold, and we were all temporarily fixed in one of 
 my father's small houses, all of which did not tend to 
 raise my spirits ; in fact, it seemed as though chaos 
 
RANDOiM RECOLLECTIONS. 55 
 
 were come again, when I thought of the home they 
 had left. 
 
 I made up my mind then to do something for which 
 I had ability. I should have preferred that my ability 
 had been commercial and not artistic, but now I find 
 that art supplies my greatest and most inexpensive 
 pleasures. So all is for the best. 
 
 For some time the fever and ague made me such 
 an invalid that I could attempt nothing. I would go 
 out for a walk, and suddenly become so weak that I 
 could not crawl home. I remember going up in the 
 gallery of a London theatre with a younger brother, 
 and shivering with the ague while those about me 
 were mopping their faces. " Come now, you ain't 
 cold," a man next to me said, seeing me with my coat 
 buttoned up and shuddering, for I felt as though we 
 were at the North Pole and I was in my pyjamas. 
 When the play was over I rushed to the chemist's and 
 had a good dose of quinine, and after a rest got to 
 the station. The chills and fever, or fever and ague, 
 each year became milder, and now a bodily echo 
 of the trouble is all that reminds me I once had it. 
 
 About this time I fell in love with my present wife, 
 and this and chills and fever made me decide to remain 
 in England. 
 
 
 
 JSacfe in England, 
 
 WHAT to do for a living was the question which I 
 had to solve. Here again my pencil was my friend, 
 for I found employment designing valentines for Mr 
 Eugene Rimmel, in the Strand, which supplied me 
 with funds while I tried to get an engagement on the 
 stage. As I wanted to be paid for my services, that 
 was no easier then than it is now. Why should a 
 man without training expect in a pleasant occupation 
 
56 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 like acting to be paid when in other businesses he 
 would have to serve an apprenticeship or pay a 
 premium ? I did ; but then I am not a reasonable 
 being. What a lot of people I saw, and how I 
 believed the specious promises theatrical folk think 
 it necessary to make, only to find out that they had 
 no intention of fulfilling them. How much better 
 would it be to say at once that they can do nothing 
 for you, and leave you to try elsewhere without loss 
 of time. But this plan, I suppose, would make an 
 actor manager unpopular, and he dare not adopt it 
 there is a reason for everything. 
 
 I have come up from the country by special appoint- 
 ment to the Gaiety Theatre, and the then manager 
 has walked out of the front entrance and left as I 
 applied at the stage door. What sense is there in 
 treating people this way ? 
 
 There is a lot of luck in theatrical matters, though, 
 of course, it depends upon the individual whether he 
 takes advantage of it, and some of the wildest shafts 
 hit home. I wrote first to Mrs Swanborough, at the 
 Strand Theatre, and received a reply asking me to 
 call at once. This, at the time, seemed to me, 
 in the plenitude of my inexperience, what should 
 happen ; now that I should have received such an 
 answer surprises me but again there is a reason for 
 everything. Marius had been taken suddenly ill, 
 and the management were at their wits' end for a 
 substitute. Mrs Swanborough received me very 
 kindly, and, had she not been talked out of it, she 
 would have engaged me. Mr and Mrs Swanborough 
 believed in their own judgment of men and women, 
 and recruited their company by engaging clever 
 people and bringing them to London, or from inferior 
 theatres to their own. Thorne, David James, Terry, 
 Marius, Cox, W. H. Vernon, poor Terriss, and Lady 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 57 
 
 Bancroft owe their position, in a greater or less degree, 
 to the Swanborough management, when the Strand 
 heard many a hearty laugh over the burlesques, then 
 the light entertainment that the public ran after. 
 Cox lived in the same house that I did in New York 
 while playing there, and would always, when coming 
 home late at night, wake me up and argue with me 
 that I had got into his room by mistake. He regularly 
 apologised for his conduct the next morning. Thorne 
 I met the other day at the Palace Theatre ; Marius I 
 saw a good deal of in Johannesburg, worried with 
 the cares of George Edwards' opera company, and 
 looking very ill. He died on his way home from 
 South Africa. The last I saw of Edward Terry was 
 when I cycled over some time ago about a play I 
 think of doing for him. He got a morning's 
 work out of me in the garden making a fernery to 
 please the eyes of the tennis players, for which 
 services he paid me in cucumber, which I saw him 
 cut. When I saw how he handled garden tools I 
 said, " Why, the papers said you were an expert 
 horticulturist ! " " Their reporter must have been look- 
 ing over the palings and seen one of the gardeners," 
 replied Terry, with a grim smile as he planted a root 
 he had bought the previous Saturday when playing at 
 the Borough Theatre. Vernon I constantly meet at 
 the Savage Club, and Terriss I was sometimes 
 privileged to gaze upon from the train when it 
 emptied itself of talent and beauty at Bedford 
 Park. 
 
 " What a nice voice he has ! " argued Mrs Swan- 
 borough with Vernon and some others in an adjoining 
 room ; " I am sure that he would do very nicely." 
 
 The old lady's advocacy, however, proved itself 
 powerless against their arguments, which, being in a 
 lower key, I could not hear, Perhaps it was as well, 
 
58 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 for, judging by their effect, they could not have been 
 flattering or conducive to my advancement. 
 
 "If my husband had been alive it would have been 
 different," she said, and offered me as a solace 
 a seat to see the play " Our Club." Marius' part 
 was read by a young man, who, being employed in 
 the theatre, knew something about it, or about the 
 "business," as we term what has to be learnt in 
 addition to the words. I saw Penley for the first time, 
 and he had, it struck me, the quality of impressing an 
 audience with his strange personality. " What a 
 horribly disagreeable man," exclaimed a young lady 
 sitting near ; " I should not care to know a man like 
 that." I suppose she is a matronly woman now, and 
 if she be alive and happen to read these pages I 
 should like to assure her that if she were to visit the 
 Vineries at Woking, she would not only find Mr 
 Penley not disagreeable, but a charming host, who, 
 with his wife, cannot do too much for anyone staying 
 with them. This is the history of my first attempt at 
 going on the stage. 
 
 
 
 jflfors German 1Reet>. 
 
 BY introduction I next had an interview with Mrs 
 German Reed, whose Ariel my father was never 
 tired of praising, when, as Miss Priscilla Horton, she 
 took a past generation of playgoers by storm. I 
 called at the Gallery of Illustrations and was asked 
 to wait on the stage, which I did. After a few 
 moments Mrs Reed came down the steps of a bathing 
 machine that formed part of the scene for the evening's 
 performance. To see an aristocratic old lady warily 
 descending the steps of a bathing machine was so 
 different an entrance from what I had pictured that I 
 could not help smiling. She alluded to it as she 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 59 
 
 shook hands. " That is my dressing-room in reality, 
 and I was just putting it straight for to-night ; come 
 and let us sit down and tell me all about your 
 plans/' 
 
 We chatted, and then she asked me to do something, 
 and I sat down at the piano in the orchestra and sang, 
 and also recited, at the end of which she advised me 
 to give an entertainment, and not be at the beck and 
 call of managers. This was good advice, but I did 
 not follow it till years after. Corney Grain came 
 out with a pen in his mouth and cheques and bills in 
 his hands, looking like a well occupied and well fed 
 cashier. He expressed regret that he had been too 
 busy signing cheques to come and hear me, and 
 departed. He seemed very proud of his clerkly 
 labours, but I was disappointed. I should have thought 
 that he would have been at the piano with a sheet of 
 manuscript music and a note book, writing fresh 
 witticisms to delight the public ; but busy drawing 
 cheques for the gas, advertisements, new chair covers, 
 charwomen's salary, etc., was a blow to my precon- 
 ceived notions of the dignity of art. I remember a 
 remark Corney Grain made to me afterwards when I 
 knew him better and used to show him water-colour 
 drawings and talk art with a big A. " My dear 
 Ganthony, you should be more practical ; unless you 
 are business-like and make money, your aestheticism 
 will only get you laughed at." 
 
 At German Reed's they said that if they had only 
 known me before they engaged Arthur Sketchly to 
 read his "Mrs Brown" sketches, I should have been 
 there; which is very nice, but, like Hamlet and 
 capons, I can't live promise-crammed. I met Arthur 
 Cecil, and he threw cold water on all my hopes ; in 
 fact, quite dispirited me. "It is no good ; they will 
 only give you an old man in a farce." My reply 
 
60 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 was, " If I were to listen to you I should go and lie 
 down in that gutter and die." He came behind the 
 scenes at the Lyceum when I was playing Bullamore 
 in one of Pinero's first successes, "Daisy's Escape," 
 and I said, " Here I am playing the old man in a 
 farce." Later, when he was at Aberdeen, en route with 
 Mr Hare to Balmoral to play before the Queen, he 
 came to the theatre where I was giving the 
 Sketching Entertainment, and was very enthusiastic. 
 We were very friendly ever afterwards up to his 
 death. Dear, dear, how many seem to have died 
 whom these recollections call to memory! He was the 
 only actor who attended all the picture galleries that 
 I know of an extraordinary fact to relate of a body 
 that should be enthusiastic for art in every guise. 
 
 Samuel pbelps. 
 
 A FRIEND of my father's knew this great actor, who 
 received me very kindly. He heard me recite, and 
 said I could do " serious business," an expression I did 
 not quite understand. The old man then walked up 
 and down the room, with the poker held to his back 
 by his arms, like a trussed fowl, asking me to notice 
 how erect he was. I did notice it, which in a man of 
 his age I thought remarkable. He told me that when 
 he next appeared I should be in his company. I went 
 to see him again, to recite something he wanted to hear. 
 Instead of being dressed in a frock coat, handsome 
 tie, and jewelled pin, natty boots, etc., he received me 
 in a dressing gown, and seemed to have taken no care 
 of his appearance. I looked on this as a compliment 
 until I began to recite, when he took the words out of 
 my mouth and allowed me to do nothing, and kept 
 forgetting why I had called. This last interview was 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 6l 
 
 a painful one, and not knowing what to do, I took my 
 leave. 
 
 I heard nothing more from him, but seeing state- 
 ments in the papers that he was going to appear again 
 I went down to Epping Forest, where I knew he was 
 staying. I saw his daughter, and learnt, to my 
 surprise and sorrow, that the news of his re-appearance 
 was not only unauthorised, but had had a very injurious 
 effect on the old actor's health. The announcements, 
 which were the work of an agent, had alarmed Mr 
 Phelps in his then nervous state to such an extent 
 that he died from the shock. 
 
 This was the sad ending to my first theatrical 
 engagement. 
 
 Gbarles Calvert. 
 
 I FIRST met Mr and Mrs Calvert at Lady 's, 
 
 who made me out such a genius that I told her I 
 should be had up for swindling, but she always 
 replied, " You must tell fibs about people nowadays." 
 
 In meeting people socially, you get early information 
 as to what they intend doing ; when the papers 
 
 mention it, everything is settled. Lady told me 
 
 that Mr Calvcrt's new play, "The Golden Bubble," 
 had a part in it that would suit me that of a French 
 nobleman, who, when ruined, accepts a servant's 
 position in the hero's house. She handed me the 
 engagement. 
 
 If I speak of Calvert to the present generation of 
 young actors, they say " Which one ? " understanding 
 me to refer to some of his sons now on the stage, and 
 doing very well. The Calvert who gave me a start was 
 Charles Calvert, who was known for his remarkable 
 productions of Shakespeare at Manchester, a man with 
 sound ideas of dramatic art and refined feelings, an 
 
62 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 actor who would talk generally of art, and not always 
 of the amount to be made by this and that theatrical 
 speculation. I was engaged at two pounds a week to 
 play Baron D'Oriflame in " The Golden Bubble," by 
 Selous, the author of " True to the Core," and, I 
 believe, a member of the Stock Exchange. 
 
 With my engagement paper was a gavotte which, in 
 the character of a servant baron, I was to play upon 
 the piano. 
 
 It seemed quite enough to me for an amateur to 
 play an important part at our chief provincial theatres 
 without adding a performance on the piano. I wrote 
 and said that I could not play the piano well enough, 
 but all the reply I got was that I must play the 
 piano. Oh, how I worked at that gavotte ! I did not 
 mind the part a bit, but that gavotte haunted me. I 
 suggested that I should play it on the flute or 
 violin, which I understood, but this was refused, 
 as I afterwards found, because Mr Calvert's son 
 William intended to play the flute with me. 
 
 A few days before the production we assembled at 
 the Theatre Royal, Birmingham, for rehearsal. In 
 the train going down there was a man who seemed to 
 imagine himself a wit, but who was only foolishly 
 funny at least so it struck me. When I was 
 securing my luggage he saw my name on it and said, 
 "Oh, you're one of the company; I'll show you the way 
 to the theatre. This man will bring your ' props ' and 
 he might as well take this for me." I did not know 
 what he meant by " props," but I could discern that 
 he intended to have his luggage conveyed to the 
 theatre at my expense, which conjecture was soon 
 afterwards verified. Why do these men with such a 
 talent for saving money never attain any position ? 
 
 As we walked to the theatre, he told me that he 
 was a Marquis, adding in response to my stare of 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 63 
 
 inquiry and surprise, "In the production, I mean." 
 He then brought out his part, which looked very 
 greasy and dog-eared, and, pointing to the name 
 " Monsieur Facade," asked me how it was pro- 
 nounced. " This little screw thing means something," 
 (the cedilla), "it looks so damned ignorant not to 
 know, and it riles the guv'nor." 
 
 It did seem to me to show ignorance, and I was 
 a little staggered that a member of a profession 
 which I believed was composed of students should 
 ask such a question. There are a better class of men 
 ousting the old mummer off the boards nowadays, but 
 the indifferent aristocrat who takes to acting because 
 it appears to him a profession that requires less labour 
 and gains more applause than any other, is as bad if 
 not worse. 
 
 In our private theatricals we always came to 
 rehearsal dressed in our easiest costumes, clothes that 
 we did not mind spoiling with the dirt of the theatre, 
 but, at a professional rehearsal, everyone seemed got 
 up for the occasion carefully brushed tall hats, 
 gloves, flowers in buttonholes, patent leather boots, 
 etc. In a serge suit and billycock I felt myself a 
 blot on the fair assembly. 
 
 The chief actors mumbled their words and gave the 
 cue very loudly, so that any chance of knowing what 
 the play was about, or what reference one part bore to 
 the complete whole, was impossible. 
 
 " We shall know all about it after the first night," 
 my Marquis friend told me. 
 
 When I enquired if we should have a dress rehearsal 
 I was asked if I thought I was with a lot of blooming 
 amatoors. 
 
 There was no dress rehearsal ; the consequence was 
 that when I drew my sword the scabbard fell on the 
 floor, the sword being the only thing that had kept it 
 
64 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 in its place. This made a titter, and marred a serious 
 scene, and demonstrated the folly of not having a dress 
 rehearsal. 
 
 By going to Stinchcombe, the costumier, I selected 
 the best dress for myself, one of black velvet and 
 violet facings, the two other dresses being blue and 
 red. I had mine fitted to me and it looked very well, 
 but when we stood on the stage I could see that the 
 black dress was evidently intended for the Marquis, 
 and the two loud coloured garments for the two 
 improvident noblemen, loud coloured garments being 
 indicative of prodigality as black velvet is of respecta- 
 bility. I knew nothing about the play when I made 
 my choice, so simply selected the one I thought the 
 most gentlemanly, and so deprived the Marquis of a 
 chance of securing that dignity of which he stood so 
 much in need. 
 
 The gavotte was a failure, not through me as I 
 anticipated, but because young Calvert broke down 
 with his flute solo, which he should not have done as 
 he is an excellent performer. If the music had been 
 left to us I should have proposed a flute duet, " Non 
 giova il sospira" or some short melodious duet of 
 Donizetti's, with a picicatto accompaniment from the 
 band. 
 
 After the first night the grand piano a cumber- 
 some thing to have behind the scenes was dispensed 
 with, and I was told that on the following night I 
 must use a guitar, of which instrument I knew 
 nothing. By good luck there was a guitar player in 
 the band, who showed me the chords and helped me 
 to arrange a little song which I wrote in French, and 
 sang on the second night, after which the gavotte was 
 a thing of the past 
 
 On Tuesday, " The Golden Bubble " having proved 
 a failure, I was handed the part of Launcelot Gobbo 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 6$ 
 
 and told that we should rehearse " The Merchant of 
 Venice" on Wednesday, and play it in the evening. 
 I set to work to study the part at once in a state of 
 alarm, and learnt it, including the fifth act. 
 With what withering scorn the stage manager rebuked 
 me when I told him that I had studied the fifth act. 
 " The fifth act is never played we always finish with 
 the trial scene. You ought to know that." "The 
 fifth act is a beautiful act, and should be played," I 
 replied, but he closed the conversation by telling me 
 that he didn't want to be taught his business by an 
 amateur. Strangely enough, a few years later I played 
 Stephano in the fifth act at the Lyceum, and Johnstone, 
 who is sufficiently diplomatic and decorous a comedian 
 not to cause the Lyceum audiences to laugh unduly, 
 repeated the lines I had been rebuked for having 
 learnt at Birmingham. I may have been wrong about 
 how "The Merchant of Venice" should be played, but 
 I have this comforting reflection : Sir Henry Irving 
 shares my views on the subject. 
 
 Though I do not believe in altering plays for the 
 sake of a new reading, yet, when conviction warrants 
 a change, I do dissent against the fanatical adherence 
 to old business on the stage which characterised the 
 management in the provinces a few years back, 
 because this business was originally an innovation, 
 and was in many cases capable of being improved 
 upon, in some instances by omitting it altogether. 
 
 On Friday " King Lear " was put on, and I played 
 Oswald and soon came to words with the stage 
 manager. 
 
 When Kent says of Oswald, " His countenance 
 likes me not," I made the coxcomb Oswald look at 
 himself in his sword blade to see what was the matter. 
 I don't reason out a character, but, by becoming 
 familiar with what he says, become that character, 
 
 E 
 
66 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 and this action was what I felt, as Oswald, that he 
 would do. 
 
 I do not say that this is a high form of study, and 
 such an actor will play very well parts that suit him, 
 and be very bad, as I am, in parts that do not. 
 
 Leaving Birmingham, we went to Manchester 
 and all the big towns, playing a variety of pieces. 
 Meeting my chief in the street, he stopped me and 
 said, "Well, here you are, a full-blown comedian." 
 At Newcastle I made a hit in Toots, making him 
 near-sighted ; in fact, he became so popular, that the 
 wife of one of the actors in the company tried in 
 every way to spoil my laughs by coming in late, and 
 other petty tricks. I argued that it was a pity to 
 spoil legitimate laughter, as the more successful the 
 play, the better for all in it, but to no purpose. 
 
 At this time Mr Calvert's memory began to go, as 
 Mr Phelps' had done, and the business, not being as 
 good as usual, worried him. If the house was poor it 
 was painful to hear him exclaim, " Have they forgot 
 me ? " He would come to me in mental agony when 
 playing Cardinal Wolsey, and say, " Every boy in the 
 audience knows that speech" (his great speech), "and if 
 I miss a word they will notice it." His son William, 
 though playing a part himself, would always contrive 
 to be at the wings with the book to give him the 
 word if he wanted it. But it was nevertheless a 
 painful experience. His wife, Mrs Charles Calvert, 
 joined us, so as to be near him. Every part she 
 played she played well, and I was not surprised to see 
 her really clever work recently as Mrs Jauncy in " A 
 White Elephant," and subsequently in " Saucy Sally." 
 
 The last character Mr Calvert played was Captain 
 Cuttle, in " Dombey & Son," at the Gaiety Theatre, 
 Glasgow, and the last words he spoke on the stage 
 were to me as Toots. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 67 
 
 We continued at the Gaiety under Mr Bernard's 
 management, playing a round of pieces, and doing so 
 well that we resolved to continue on tour on our own 
 account, as Mr Calvert's case became so bad that no 
 hope was entertained of his ever coming back to the 
 stage again. 
 
 At the end of three weeks, our chief being no 
 better, the company was dismissed. Then, like 
 theatrical companies, they began to talk over what 
 had happened, and to consider that they had been 
 wronged, and that they should have had a fortnight's 
 notice. 
 
 Mrs Calvert said, "Very well," and arranged for 
 a fortnight at Preston. My part was sent to me, 
 and as I was on my honeymoon, and the part was 
 easily learnt, being only "The child is saved," I 
 thought I should be in plenty of time if I got down 
 on the day of the performance. When I arrived at the 
 theatre a letter was handed to me giving me a fort- 
 night's notice. A similar letter had damped all their 
 spirits. What else could they expect from a lady 
 anxious to return to her dying husband's bedside 
 a lady to whom they had shown no consideration 
 in her distress ? 
 
 I found that I was a soldier by my costume, which 
 I hung up in my dressing-room, and went and looked 
 for lodgings. At night I did not come on till the end 
 of the play, but when I did, with the girl in my arms, 
 and said, " The child is saved," the house shouted and 
 applauded -in a way that took me by surprise. * I 
 asked a stage carpenter what it meant. He said, 
 "Well, sir, there's two things made your lines fetch 
 'em they've been a trying to murder that little 'un 
 through three acts and a prologue, and the kid's a 
 great favourite in Preston." 
 
 A few days later it was my painful duty to 
 
68 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. ' 
 
 announce Mr Calvert's death from the stage in front 
 of the curtain at the Preston Theatre, which the 
 audience received with sympathy and sorrow. 
 
 Stranded in Preston, the company determined to 
 go on, and, calling ourselves " Charles Calvert's 
 Company," which we had been, we got a date on 
 share at Southport, and played in the Winter 
 Gardens, the theatre at that time not having been 
 built. The company shared the takings, each 
 receiving pay in proportion to his late salary. This 
 was called a " commonwealth," and, as under this 
 form of government the first thing was to please the 
 public and fill the treasury, I was given good parts ; 
 though, when the stage manager took Mr Calvert's 
 place under Mr Bernard, he allotted me the smallest 
 parts he could find. We played "The Serious 
 Family," which was probably taken from " The 
 Colonel." At Southport we had good audiences, 
 and made a little money. From Southport we went 
 to Bradford, where, as William Calvert had to attend 
 to his father's funeral, I was asked at a short notice 
 to play Henri in " The Ladies' Battle." I was given 
 the part, and told that I could easily procure the 
 dress at the theatre. I learnt as much of the part as 
 I could in the train, and it was well that I did so, as 
 no dress was to be had at the theatre, so I had to 
 "fake" one by turning a frock coat into a groom's 
 livery. I sewed on silver buttons which I bought in 
 the market place, made tops to fit on to my patent 
 leather boots, and at last got something which gave a 
 vague suggestion of what I should have worn. The 
 " faking " of this costume had taken all the afternoon, 
 and with a brief run through I had to go on for this 
 leading juvenile part. To add to our troubles, there 
 was no one to play Leonie. At the last moment a 
 friend of the stage manager's, who used to act, but 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 69 
 
 was at the time engaged as a dressmaker, was induced 
 to leave her sewing machine and play the part, with 
 which she was absolutely unfamiliar, but which she 
 intended to " wing " that is, learn each scene before 
 she went on to play it. 
 
 I never could have conceived anyone more unlike 
 the heroine of Scribe and Legouves' delicate and arti- 
 ficial comedy. She was a large woman, with an ample 
 and constantly-heaving bosom, unrestricted by the 
 adoption of a soiled, low-necked ball dress and bare 
 arms, whose florid colouring was brought to a sudden 
 termination by a pair of cheap one-button white kid 
 gloves. Her hair, which was black and oily, fell in 
 greasy sausage curls upon her shoulders, where, by 
 the way, there was plenty of room for them. To 
 this actress-dressmaker I had to make speeches of 
 passionate adoration, expatiating upon her personal 
 loveliness in terms of exaggerated poetic compliment, 
 which were not calculated to impress the audience 
 with a belief in the trustworthiness of my taste or 
 judgment. In fact, when she bounded on, and, 
 kissing her one-buttoned gloved hand, said, "'Ullo, 
 'Enery ! " a salutation not in the text, the words left 
 me, and I never felt such a fool in my life. When I 
 recalled them I dared scarcely say them to the object 
 before me, much less utter them with conviction or 
 feeling, as the better I acted, the more absurd the 
 situations became. What a relief it was when she 
 used up what she had " swallowed " of the part and, 
 waving her hand, said, " Ta ! ta ! " and left me. 
 Fancy Leonie de Villigontier saying " Ta ! ta ! " 
 Next day the newspaper critic said that he could not 
 agree with my " reading " of the part. I didn't read 
 the part, or the audience would have heard more of the 
 dialogue. As the critic sold stamps at the post office, 
 I told him, when cashing a money order my father had 
 
70 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 sent me (a proceeding circumstances made necessary), 
 exactly what had happened. He said, which was 
 quite true, that as the critic supposed I was on 
 tour with the part he criticised it on this belief. I 
 pitied the awful slating the dressmaker got, as, poor 
 woman, she had come down to help a friend out of 
 good nature and attempted that for which she was 
 unfitted, as, in a measure, I had myself, and like myself 
 she had not had a fair chance. To add to the trouble, 
 the stage manager's wife was put down on the bills 
 for Leonie, but at the last moment played the 
 Countess. We tried to keep all the papers away from 
 her, but the genius of the stage door keeper baffled us 
 he thought she would like to see the notice about 
 the lady he supposed to be her rival and handed it 
 her, and wasn't there a row about her reputation ! 
 
 Our visit to Bradford led to financial straits, and 
 rings and watches were pawned to get to the next 
 town in the hope and belief that things would be 
 better there. We played anything and everything 
 on which there were no author's fees. I remember 
 one man we engaged always "made up" again 
 before he went home, which roused my curiosity. He 
 told me frankly that he did it to avoid arrest. As 
 he usually left disguised as a scene shifter with the 
 men employed at the theatre, he was never caught. 
 
 When playing in "Black-Eyed Susan" an actor 
 came from Manchester to play a sailor's part; I forget 
 what, but I know that instead of giving me any cues, 
 he said in a very loud voice when he saw me, " Avast 
 there and belay, you lubber ! Haul in your spanniker 
 and bring to, or, shiver my timbers ! I'll bust you on 
 the water mark with the butt end of a deck mop, you 
 son of a sea cook," etc. I asked him why he did not 
 say what was in his part ? 
 
 " Oh ! I always play sailors that way," he replied, 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 7 1 
 
 and dismissed the matter as being unworthy of 
 discussion. 
 
 In this play I doubled the Captain, with, I think, 
 Snodgrass. We had run things late one night, and 
 the manager cut out an entire scene without informing 
 those who were to go on in it as I was, previous to 
 changing to the Admiral. Seeing that the play had 
 passed my last Snodgrass scene, and that I should 
 soon be wanted as the Admiral, I rushed to my 
 dressing-room to put on my naval outfit, when, to my 
 horror, I found it had been removed. With the aid of 
 the dresser I found the wardrobe mistress at a neigh- 
 bouring " pub," got the things, and reached my room 
 "as the call boy was there to say that the stage was 
 *\ -aiting for me. I said I would be there directly. I 
 don't know what they interpolated, but they kept it 
 going till the Admiral arrived. " Oh, I begs your 
 pavdin','' said the wardrobe mistress, "but I thought 
 as how you had done with them, they was folded up 
 so neat." I never folded anything I intended using 
 after that. 
 
 Another instance of my costume disappearing 
 shows the manners of some actors. In one scene 
 we had to appear in evening dress, but when I looked 
 for mine it was gone ! I discovered it on the stage 
 on the back of an actor who had a difficulty as to 
 what he should do for a dress suit, and solved it by 
 appropriating mine, leaving me to go to that stage 
 ball in a serge jacket and check trousers. 
 
 When with Mr Calvert we finished up at Oldham 
 and opened the following Monday at Leicester, 
 instead of going with the company by train, I 
 decided to ride to Leicester on my bicycle an 
 "Ordinary." I slept at Buxton on Sunday, after 
 racing a dog-cart in the dark down a hill, which I 
 remember as a steep one, into the town. I had 
 
?2 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 dinner at an hotel on Monday. The proprietor's wife 
 had always desired to meet an actor, so I in a measure 
 gratified her ambition when I appeared in her 
 husband's clothes while mine were being dried. Near 
 Loughborough, as it was pouring, and not a soul or a 
 house to be seen, I rode on the path. Two men in a 
 butcher's cart passed me when I stopped for some- 
 thing, and, to my surprise, at the next village they 
 were waiting for me with a constable. I was stopped 
 and my name demanded for " riding on the path." I 
 gave my name and what I was, but this they didn't 
 believe, so I was locked up in an empty shop that was 
 " to let," while they went off to the telegraph station 
 to wire to Mr Calvert to see if what I had stated were 
 true. Time was getting on, and I grew alarmed as 
 they were so long gone. A French priest who was 
 passing saw me through the shop window, and, taking 
 compassion on me, spoke to me, through the letter- 
 slit in the door, in French, in which language I replied. 
 A village crowd listened to our conversation, but did 
 not understand it. When I was at last released I lost 
 no time in argument, but started off for Leicester as 
 hard as I could go, fell on the greasy tram lines as I 
 entered the town, and reached the theatre just in time 
 to exchange my cycle suit for a square cut and silk 
 stockings, silver-buckle shoes, and go on for my part. 
 Calvert gave a look of surprise and gratification when 
 he saw me enter, and during the course of the play I 
 explained what had happened. 
 
 I heard nothing more about it till one night at 
 Newcastle two gigantic officers, armed with thick 
 sticks, came to arrest me. A summons had been 
 sent to the Theatre Royal, Leicester, which I had not 
 seen ; the case had come on, and, as I had not attended, 
 had gone against me. That being a hunting country 
 where everybody hated bicycles, I was fined altogether 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 73 
 
 about four pounds for riding on a lonely country foot- 
 path. There was excitement in the theatre, as no one 
 knew for what I was to be arrested. The officers found 
 ""t where I made my exit, and waited for me. I saw 
 
 em at the wings, which might have prevented a 
 .ervous man leaving the stage with as hearty a 
 augh as the scene required. I asked the men why 
 they didn't send a regiment of soldiers for me, and 
 told them that I would call and see them on the 
 morrow. I went out early next day with the bicycle, 
 and seeing two working lads outside some small 
 houses, I said to them, " Do you want to buy a 
 bicycle this one for" (and I looked at my summons) 
 " ^3 i 5 s ? " O ne of the lads got on it and rode down 
 the street, looked it over, and then went into the 
 house and came out with the money and took the 
 machine, whereupon I walked down to the police 
 station and handed them the sum I had just received. 
 That settled the matter. The paper reciting my 
 crime I nailed on the " call-board," and let everyone 
 know that the fine was greater than the mis- 
 demeanour. 
 
 The experiences I went through gave me good 
 ideas of the vagabond side of professional life. When 
 an actor tells you that he is going " hop-picking " to 
 fill up his time in summer when engagements are 
 scarce, it comes as a staggerer. The same man, 
 however, when in a good engagement, will travel first 
 class, wear expensive clothes, and live in a style that 
 makes him a beggar when again " walking about." 
 To drive a dog-cart and be summoned for a milk 
 account does not seem to accord with my ideas of the 
 science of reputable existence, but this inconsistency 
 comes within the scope of my actual experience. 
 
 The Marquis and I shared our rooms together, 
 and I found the plan work well, as he had a great 
 
74 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 genius for marketing, and would walk miles to get a 
 sheep's head a halfpenny cheaper than it could be 
 procured in the neighbourhood. He would look after 
 every item of food, which, though advantageous to me, 
 disconcerted the plans of the lodging-house keepers 
 with whom we lodged, and compelled them to adopt 
 a method of obtaining their food by purchase, a 
 method to which, from long disuse, they had become 
 quite unaccustomed. When the daughter of the 
 " Marquis " married, his son-in-law, who was a well-to- 
 do business man, found him some other occupation, 
 which enabled him to end his career in comfort. 
 
 A number of things happened which, as far as I 
 know, have never been in print, but which I think 
 make amusing reading. 
 
 At a small seaport a lady star actress of the third 
 magnitude appeared as Juliet. " I cannot do justice 
 to myself," she said to the manager, who combined 
 theatrical enterprise with the conduct of a row of 
 bathing machines, " if I do not have a lime " (lime- 
 light) " thrown on me when I appear on the balcony." 
 
 " We ain't got no lime-light, Miss, but I think we 
 could get you a ship's blue-light," replied the obliging 
 manager ; and to this the lady agreed. The lad who 
 went to the shop to buy the blue-light brought back 
 a signal rocket which was given him by mistake. 
 The prompter was her own man, and in his ignorance 
 took the rocket in good faith. 
 
 ROMEO. He jests at scars, who never felt a wound. 
 
 (Juliet appears. Prompter lights the match.) 
 But soft ! what light through yonder window breaks ? 
 
 (This was the match lighting the fuse. ) 
 Arise, fair sun ! 
 
 The sun, or rather the rocket, did rise with a hiss that 
 sounded far louder in a theatre than it does in the 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 75 
 
 open air. Juliet was knocked off the balcony, the fly 
 
 rders were set on fire, and the theatre was filled 
 with sulphurous smoke, while the audience, which was 
 fortunately a small one, made a stampede to the 
 doors. It is perhaps unnecessary to add that the 
 introduction of the rocket brought the play to an end. 
 Since then " Romeo and Juliet " has always been 
 looked upon in that town as a dramatic work that 
 could not be witnessed without considerable personal 
 danger. 
 
 There was a lazy, loafing actor named Bridges who 
 hung about theatres in the North in the hope, which 
 was often realised, that some unforeseen accident 
 would deprive the management of a member of the 
 company at the eleventh hour. This man's inventive 
 genius made him troublesome when a little under 
 cordial influences. If he forgot his words, or the 
 part he was playing ceased to interest him, he would 
 exclaim suddenly, without any reference to the text, 
 ' There is no way but this ! " and, flourishing a pro- 
 perty dagger with which he was always provided, 
 would stab himself to the heart and fall a lifeless 
 corpse upon the stage, leaving the performers who 
 still had the honesty to remain alive to get through 
 and finish the act as they best could without him. In 
 one play it was impossible to dispense with Mr 
 Bridges' services, so to rullify the consequences of 
 his rash act at the commencement of the drama, a 
 short dialogue was introduced somewhat of this kind 
 to account for his presence again on earth 
 
 MELANO. And what of Don Velasquez? (this 
 was Bridges). 
 
 DOCTOR PHILLIPPE. Well, thank Heaven. 
 
 MEL. Well, sayest thou ? Report was current 
 that he had attempted his own life. Oh, what an 
 impious deed ! 
 
76 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 DOCTOR P. Twas most irreverent, and, alas, the 
 wound was mortal, but such is the efficacy of the 
 doctor's art that I, who happened to be passing at the 
 time, arrived most providentially before life was extinct, 
 brought my surgical knowledge to bear upon him, 
 and he is now, happily, recovered and, by our Lady, 
 he comes this way. 
 
 Mr Bridges, who had been dissenting with all the 
 worthy doctor had been saying while being held at 
 the wings, was now pushed on to the stage and 
 compelled to go through the performance for which 
 he was paid. 
 
 Dying on the stage reminds me of an incident that 
 happened in Edinburgh in a play in which I acted a 
 negro part " Jack Long of Texas " was, I think, the 
 name of it. The plot resolves itself at last in the 
 villain being shot and the hero and heroine being 
 made happy ever afterwards. It will hardly be 
 believed that the leading juvenile was so little 
 acquainted with the play that he thought he had 
 to die, whereas the stage direction was that the 
 villain was killed. When the shot was fired that was 
 to bring him happiness, instead of living and enjoying 
 it he toppled over too, as though the bullet had 
 passed through the villain and hit him. Aveling, 
 who was playing the villain, was rolling on the stage 
 with laughter (remarkable behaviour for a corpse), 
 while the hero (also dead) was asking him angrily 
 what he was laughing at? Not knowing what had 
 happened, the heroine rushed in, exclaiming in a 
 paroxysm of joy, " Ah ! ah ! my husband lives, he 
 lives 1 " As she looked down and saw him and the 
 other corpse arguing on their backs, a voice from the 
 gallery called out, " No, 'e don't, Miss, 'cause he ain't 
 learnt J is lines," and the curtain fell to murmurs of 
 discontent. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 77 
 
 When playing " Hamlet," Polonius dropped his 
 staff into Ophelia's grave, which accident would have 
 passed unnoticed if a stage hand, who had just been 
 reproved for inattention to mishaps which nightly 
 occurred during the progress of the tragedy, had not 
 seen it. With a determination to do his duty, he laid 
 aside the dummy figure of Ophelia, which he had 
 received in his arms when she was lowered to her last 
 resting-place, and, seizing the staff or chamberlain's 
 wand, handed it up through the open mouth of the 
 grave to Ophelia's father, who ignored it for some 
 time, but, as the wand followed him to whichever part 
 of the grave he went, he at last took it with an oath 
 and put an end to the laughter its vagaries had 
 occasioned. 
 
 An absurd incident happened when Charles Calvert 
 was playing, I think, " Henry the Fifth." A row of 
 supers in shining armour stood in a line facing the 
 audience, with their backs to a raking piece which gave 
 a sloping exit down under the stage. After the king's 
 entrance, one of the supers overbalanced himself 
 backwards, and of course put out his arms to catch 
 hold of his comrades, which he did as a drowning man 
 will clutch at a straw, and they in their turn followed 
 his example, the consequence being that the whole row 
 fell backwards and disappeared below the stage with 
 a noise that only tin armour can make. Such a com- 
 mand had Calvert over his audience that this contre- 
 temps would have passed also had the men piled 
 together below kept quiet, and not attempted to get 
 up. First one and then the other began moving, till 
 the clatter, and the enjoyment of the audience, who 
 understood what was happening, necessitated the 
 lowering of the curtain. 
 
 The Commonwealth got dates from the Princess's 
 Theatre, Edinburgh, at the time M'Neil had it. 
 
78 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 Here during three weeks I played Old Pete in " The 
 Octoroon," Mr Grinnidge in " Green Bushes," and a 
 lot of good parts. Mrs Charles Calvert joined us, we 
 having engaged her. I remember her admirable 
 performance of the Widow in " Nine Points of the 
 Law," in which I played Rhodomont Rollingstone, 
 the American. While I was on the stage the lights 
 suddenly went out, and the audience, as there had 
 been an explosion elsewhere recently, became restless. 
 An actor knows what an audience feels without see- 
 ing it. Taking the torch from the prompter, I 
 leisurely tried to light the footlights. As they did 
 not respond, I said, " Wall, I can gas better than 
 that myself," and proceeded to use the torch to my 
 cigar, which I had smoked on the stage. It was 
 not a great joke, but a bit of fun which, together 
 with my coolness in lighting my cigar, possibly 
 prevented a panic. We continued the play with 
 candles until the gas man, who never should have 
 left the building, was found and brought in, and put 
 matters right. 
 
 Weather and everything favoured us during those 
 three weeks at Edinburgh, and we made a great deal 
 more than our salaries when we broke up and returned 
 to London. Then we had so many parts that it was 
 hardly possible to do more than commit the words 
 to memory; now an actor plays one part for months, 
 sometimes for years. In both cases the systems go 
 to extremes, and are equally bad for the dramatic 
 student. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 79 
 
 a Xonfcon Engagement 
 
 THE great ambition of the provincial actor is to 
 obtain a London engagement, and it became mine. 
 A letter from Tom Taylor, the editor of Punch, to 
 Mrs Bateman, procured me an interview. I called 
 upon her at a large, melancholy house near the 
 Euston Road and knocked in the various styles time 
 permitted until I had exhausted my stock of 
 " rat-tats," when the door was opened and I was 
 greeted first by a strong odour of frying bacon, and 
 secondly, by what I should be inclined to consider, 
 from the various signs of labour to which her face, 
 hands, and garments bore witness, a maid-of-all-work. 
 I mentioned my name and business, and was shown 
 into a large and somewhat depressing apartment, 
 which I was allowed ample opportunity to study at 
 my leisure. 
 
 When the old lady at length came in she said, with 
 a certain grace of manner and an American accent 
 
 " I am late, sir, but I was engaged at my breakfast." 
 
 "Is that all?" 
 
 " All, sir. I consider a proper time devoted to 
 meals a paramount duty a duty too often neglected. 
 Time spent upon eating is not lost ; the allotted span 
 of life is abridged by undue haste, and is lengthened 
 by a decorous and generous period accorded to 
 eating, mastication, and digestion." 
 
 My appointment was for ten o'clock. 
 
 " And you come here to me to solicit an engage- 
 ment. Our family have, as you know, greatly 
 distinguished themselves on the stage. I am an 
 American." 
 
 As I was seven years in America I guessed that. 
 
8O RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 " You do not imply that you consider I show any 
 trace of my nationality in my speech, I hope ? " 
 
 "American ladies are so much brighter than 
 English ladies. When do you think you can offer 
 me an engagement ? " 
 
 " I am afraid that you do not approach this matter 
 with a sufficient consciousness of what a London 
 appearance means." 
 
 " Possibly," I replied. " I Have, according to the 
 phrenologists, no bump of reverence." 
 
 " There is no manager in London would offer you 
 an engagement as I am doing. You do not know 
 the influence and pressure that is nowadays brought 
 to bear upon the managers of London theatres. Mr 
 Taylor strongly advocates my engaging gentlemen 
 who have talent, and you appear to have plenty of 
 assurance" (that was one for me), "a very good 
 substitute ; and you, further, come armed with 
 credentials from this friend of mine, and therefore I 
 engage you, at two pounds per week, from the day 
 we open. I have your address, and will wish you 
 good morning." 
 
 I left the house in a happy frame of mind. 
 
 A few days afterwards I was in Bond Street 
 with my wife, when I thought I would call in at 
 Irving's place in Grafton Street and tell my friend, 
 L. F. Austin (the well-known magazine writer), the 
 news of my engagement. While we were talking 
 Irving walked in, and I was introduced to him. He 
 lounged on the table, and we chatted for some time 
 about my provincial experiences and the sad end of 
 poor old Charles Calvert. He asked me if I were 
 engaged now, and took a kindly interest in my 
 struggles, which may have recalled his own. What I 
 liked about Irving was the utter absence of what other 
 prominent actors were disfigured by, viz., a tendency 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 8 1 
 
 to pose off the stage to continue in private life the 
 business of the theatre. Irving spoke thoughtfully 
 and modestly, and I found with him, as with Calvert, 
 that I could talk of dramatic art, and not necessarily 
 restrict myself to " theatrical business." If he spoke 
 of a play it was as a play, not of the merits of the 
 particular part he would enact himself. I asked 
 him if he forgot the audience when he acted. He 
 replied, " I try to," adding, " but I am so near- 
 sighted that I cannot see them." My provincial 
 experience with the company had been that, if I 
 talked of plays or art, I was laughed down as a 
 novice, and yet Irving spoke of these things as a 
 matter of course. 
 
 I left Grafton Street with a glimpse of a different 
 world until my wife, who had been kept waiting out- 
 side, brought me quickly back to life as it was, by a 
 stern rebuke and an allusion to my lack of chivalry. 
 
 Soon after I had an offer for the Lyceum, and 
 almost by the same post I received a letter from Mrs 
 Bateman, saying that she could not offer me an 
 engagement at her theatre. I considered the Lyceum 
 settled, and went away into the country with my wife. 
 While there my friend Austin wrote to ask me if I 
 had a contract for the Lyceum, as it seemed by no 
 means certain that I was to be in the company. I 
 had written to Mrs Bateman, saying that on receipt 
 of her letter I had accepted an engagement at the 
 Lyceum. I had relied upon going to the Lyceum, 
 and this doubt seemed such a terrible matter, that I 
 left for town at once to settle it. 
 
 Owing to the strong advocacy of my friend Austin, 
 the engagement was ratified. I had relinquished the 
 one with Mrs Bateman, which I might have enforced, 
 and this Irving saw. I am not in any way attaching 
 blame to the Lyceum management I should have 
 
 F 
 
82 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 been more business like but there must have been 
 something in my claim or a contract would not 
 have been given me. I consider nothing as settled 
 now until I have the contract signed and stamped, 
 and neither should you, reader, if you are in the 
 theatrical or any other business. 
 
 When I mentioned my salary, Irving said, " He 
 is worth more than that," and he gave it me. Very 
 few managers or other employers would do this. I 
 was nobody, and he never could have thought that 
 the matter would be made public. 
 
 In provincial engagements I had good parts and 
 bad clothes ; at the Lyceum I had bad parts and 
 splendid clothes. In the provinces my tights ran 
 quickly to "ladders," my top-boots were faked, and 
 the actor's art consisted in making modern clothes 
 look like garments of another period this aptitude 
 for " faking " distinguishing the professional from the 
 amateur more than anything that was done on the 
 stage. At the Lyceum my clothes were made for 
 me a new experience in theatrical outfitting, our 
 plan being usually to ransack the wardrobe of the 
 house at which we were playing, or to go and borrow 
 from the opposition theatre. I look back with 
 astonishment and gratitude at the kindness shown 
 me by provincial theatres on these occasions. 
 
 Not only were my clothes made for me and made 
 to fit me, and not to fit everybody as heretofore, 
 but my wigs, shoes, everything and all this for 
 Stephano in the "Merchant of Venice," a part of 
 about five lines. The monotony of long runs is bad 
 enough for principals who have good incomes and a 
 nightly chance of advancing themselves in public 
 favour, but to me, who had but an insignificant part 
 and a lot of utility work, the monotony was unbear- 
 able. The continual changing of clothes and 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 83 
 
 " make up " to stand and listen as portion of the 
 " crowd " was merely a mechanical duty. As one 
 of the Jews in the trial scene in the " Merchant of 
 Venice," I always enlivened matters by offering to 
 lend money to those who personated the Christian, at, 
 of course, usurious rates of interest, which the char- 
 acters and credit of some of the performers warranted. 
 We also talked scandal about Gratiano, Salarino, and 
 others. Hal Lowther (an old actor and clever 
 magazine writer) and I generally led this fooling, 
 which must have looked natural from the front as 
 we were talking of what was going on before us. 
 
 In the "crowd" were old actors who had known 
 the chief when they were stars, and with reversal of 
 fortune he now offered them a haven for their old age. 
 There were the new generation of long-haired youths, 
 who looked to the stage to give them an opportunity 
 to be seen. Half of them should be bundled out and 
 made to till the soil for of such is the kingdom of 
 egotism ! 
 
 The humorous incidents that enliven an actor's life 
 were almost absent from the Lyceum. An old " pro" 
 once called in to see a friend ; there was a rehearsal 
 on whether it was the obsequies of Miss Polonius or 
 the cathedral scene from " Much Ado " tradition does 
 not say. The organ was playing solemn music, 
 acolytes were waving incense, priests were carrying 
 crosses. As they came off the prompt side the old 
 mummer saw his friend in the character of a bishop, 
 and, seizing him by the hand, said in a voice full 
 of emotion, " You are at prayers, dear boy ; God 
 forgive me for having called, but I didn't believe 
 me, dear boy I didn't know your hours of divine 
 service." This legend is the outcome of the character 
 the Lyceum has for seriousness and good behaviour, 
 and is accounted a good joke among actors. There 
 
84 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 was no foul language or swearing among the men 
 employed behind the curtain at the Lyceum, and if 
 two men quarrelled they both had to leave, so " rows " 
 were infrequent. One day at rehearsal a small vase 
 was not there which Irving had ordered the property 
 man to make. " We will wait for it," said our chief, 
 quietly, and the whole rehearsal was stopped till that 
 vase was made, and the members of the company, 
 who were kept waiting, gave the man such a wigging 
 that I don't think he will forget to carry out orders 
 from Sir Henry again. Unless the head insist on 
 properties being at rehearsal everything would be 
 " left to the night." 
 
 Sometimes our chief was unjustly satirical at the 
 expense of his company. I came to rehearsal dressed 
 in mourning for the actor has no immunity from 
 observance of the sorrows death brings and after 
 standing for hours as a servant of Portia in silence 
 while others talked, I was told "not to look like a 
 mute at a funeral." I replied, " I feel more like a 
 theatrical than an exequial mute," but my remark 
 was ignored, as humour is not encouraged in the 
 temple of the tragedian. Is it the quality of a 
 well-bred servant to stand with a perpetual grin 
 on his face like a Zulu boy when walking down 
 Commissioner Street, Johannesburg, arrayed in a 
 lady's dust cloak ? I think not. 
 
 In the last act of the " Merchant of Venice," having, 
 as Stephano, got to Belmont first before Gobbo, I 
 always came on out of breath, and, while waiting, 
 fixed my spur as though I had used it roughly, a bit 
 of elaboration in a small part which I believed no one 
 noticed except the Prince of Wales, who made some 
 remarks to the Princess ; at least, this is what my 
 vanity makes me suppose. Then, to further show 
 my agility, I took the steps leading to Portia's house 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 8$ 
 
 at a bound. They looked a lovely marble from the 
 front ; but, being only deal painted, I went right 
 through them up to my knee, and, but for the long 
 leather boots used by Miss Terry's I mean Portia's 
 servants, I should have seriously hurt myself. 
 Gobbo, who followed me off, being a cautious Scotch- 
 man, found a new way into Belmont through the 
 prompt entrance. 
 
 The other incident was when the Doges (Life 
 Guardsmen with long cloaks on) rose on the Duke's 
 entrance. They pushed back the board upon which 
 they had been seated, which fell without sound on 
 the drapery behind. When the Duke bowed, as only 
 Allen Beaumont can bow, and sat, the Doges resumed 
 their seats that is, they would have done so had 
 there been any seats to resume. The first did so 
 abruptly, and disappeared altogether, which caused 
 the others to cautiously stoop and feel for their seats 
 with their sitting anatomy; but, finding no rest, as it 
 were, for the sole of the feet, they again became erect, 
 and stood during the trial. 
 
 When Shylock came in he looked and smiled, as 
 did Portia, to see them standing, and then we knew 
 that the incident was a humorous one, and we all 
 smiled in proportion to our salaries. 
 
 Pinero, who played Salarino in a way that made 
 me wonder why he ever went in for acting, made a 
 sensible remark, which showed the author. His line 
 was 
 
 " My lord, here stays without 
 A messenger, with letters from the doctor, 
 New come from Padua." 
 
 " How do I know that the messenger has arrived 
 with letters from the doctor if I am here ? " This 
 query resulted in young Harwood (now a rising actor 
 of ripe experience) being turned on as a page, who 
 
86 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 came and whispered something into Pinero's ear, 
 which probably Pinero wrote for him, and all was 
 well, though, had he stood at the side, Harwood's 
 entrance would not have been necessary. 
 
 One night Miss Terry, who has to give Barnes 
 (Bassanio) a ring, which he, I believe, apostrophises 
 as he shows it to the audience, gave him one with an 
 indiarubber ball attached, by means of which you 
 squirted scent in the face of anyone near. She had 
 had all the amusement, that; lasted as long as the 
 scent held out, and then she put it lovingly on 
 Bassanio's ringer, whose "business" was spoilt by 
 having to conceal the rubber ball from the audience, 
 which, with the ring, at the first opportunity he flung 
 heavenward, when it hit the painted sky, and, falling, 
 was scrambled for by the stage carpenters below. 
 
 One night someone, at his dresser's suggestion, 
 cooked some cockles for supper after the trial scene, 
 when we all deserved something to sustain us. This 
 fact, like most facts at a theatre, was generally 
 known, so that when, during Miss Terry's speech, a 
 terrific smell of boiling cockles was wafted across 
 that Venetian court-room, every eye turned on their 
 owner, who wished the odorous molluscs anywhere 
 but at the Lyceum Theatre, while the travelled 
 portion of the audience attributed the perfume 
 to the chief's attention to realistic detail, and con- 
 sidered it a worthy attempt to reproduce the effect 
 drainage has on the stagnant waters of the Adriatic 
 when studied nasally. 
 
 One actor was told to scull his gondola as one 
 would a dingey, with one oar over the stern rowlock. 
 I explained that this was absurd that the principle of 
 a gondola would not permit it ; nor was it necessary, 
 as a gondola can be worked wherever the vessel will 
 pass. We hadn't had "Venice in London" then, but 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 8/ 
 
 many of my travelled friends who went to the Lyceum 
 laughed at this picture of Venetian oarsmanship. 
 
 At the Lyceum we were snubbed, or certainly not 
 encouraged to think for ourselves or others. When 
 through Sir Henry's kindness I was given the part of 
 Dr Zimmer in " The Bells," I asked to be allowed to 
 read the play that I might understand how the part 
 was to be acted, as the rehearsals would be scant, 
 owing to everybody knowing the parts. This was 
 not permitted me by the prompter, who, having 
 graduated to the theatre after being a soldier, of 
 course was the best judge. I obtained a copy in 
 French and read that. In that the doctor, putting 
 his hand on the heart of Mathias, says, " II est 
 mort ! " which I could have translated with the aid 
 of a dictionary, but it would be useless to suggest 
 that I should conclude the play in the manner the 
 author intended, as Sir Henry, like my wife, will 
 have the last word. 
 
 Some French writer affirms that a woman cannot 
 be a good actress unless she has a spice of the devil 
 in her, and everyone will agree with me that Miss 
 Ellen Terry is a good actress. The scene in " Daisy's 
 Escape " represented an upper room in an inn, which 
 was suggested by telegraph wires and the tops of trees 
 being painted on the cloth backing which was seen 
 through the window. If anyone walked between the 
 backing and the cloth upon which the window was, it 
 upset the illusion Hawes Craven had so cleverly 
 suggested, and to cross the stage at this point, instead 
 of behind the back cloth, seemed to Miss Terry, as 
 she came in from her carriage to dress for Portia, to 
 be a bit of fun which she could not resist. As the 
 inn-keeper, standing outside for my cue, I used to 
 try and argue her out of it, when she would appear 
 to agree to my protest, and having humbugged me 
 
88 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 out of my watchfulness, would walk airily past the 
 window, looking as the clown does in " Rosemary " 
 when outside on stilts, doubtless to the momentary 
 bewilderment of the audience. They probably sup- 
 posed she was another traveller, who, avoiding the 
 railway and its accidents, had come to the " Cross 
 Keys " in a balloon. 
 
 When Bassanio would crumple up as he would 
 sometimes the document Portia had given him in the 
 casket scene and throw it down, Miss Terry, who 
 was always the character she portrayed, would say, 
 " I pray you, sir, do not treat my poor script so ; " 
 Bassanio, whose imagination did not lead him too 
 readily into the realms of fancy, would answer, " What 
 did you say, Miss Terry?" in earnest inquiry as to 
 what was wrong. As a humble servant of Portia, I 
 played the servant, and noted, as servants do in real 
 life, what my employers were about. 
 
 All Shakespeare ever wrote about kings and 
 courts he could study at the theatre the crowd which 
 wait on princes' favours, those human barnacles who 
 cannot strike out a career for themselves, but must 
 cling on to some great man, and shine with the 
 reflected glory their toadyism, more often than their 
 ability, brings them, are all there. 
 
 Calvert, if he wanted me to stand with my back to 
 the audience, would expatiate on the beauty of my 
 back, and say how effective such a position was from 
 the front. That was the old style, but Irving would say 
 that he wanted me to turn my back so that the audience 
 would have their attention directed to his face. 
 
 I never saw Miss Ellen Terry out of temper, and 
 her acts of kindness to the ladies, and more especially 
 the chorus girls, are too numerous to mention. I 
 went to church once, and in the sermon the clergy- 
 man said, speaking of actors and actresses, " But, my 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 89 
 
 brethren, we do not know what they do in the green 
 room." Why did he not find out? Picture the 
 Lyceum green room on a " Hamlet " night to be 
 what you please, I will tell you what it was. Queen 
 Gertrude (Miss Pauncefort), not on a throne, but on 
 an ordinary chair, with her work in her lap and needle 
 busy: Ophelia, taking it easy on the sofa with a book 
 or magazine, for Miss Terry is a great reader: Pinero, 
 as Salarino, standing at the mantlepiece thinking out 
 plays that afterwards made him famous: Laertes, 
 cheerful and courteous, chatting with Florence Terry, 
 who was always merry: the Gravedigger looking over 
 the evening paper, and Hamilton Clarke, the only 
 man in modern clothes and evening dress, with one 
 ear for the conversation and another for the orchestra, 
 which he had left to the care of the first violin. Little 
 that was wrong took place in that green room. 
 
 Miss Terry has no talent for punctuality. As her 
 cue approached the whole staff began to get into a 
 state of excitement, and the air became full of cries 
 for Miss Terry. But she was always there in time 
 for the public, and, if she was a moment late, the 
 public forgave her directly she walked on the stage. 
 Sometimes in the " Merchant " it looked as though 
 Antonio would be unrepresented by counsel. How 
 well these delays were commented upon by the 
 crowd at the back. 
 
 " That there young barrister's late ! " 
 
 "Them canals blocked again, I suppose, and the 
 bloomin' gondola couldn't pass il ponte de sospiro, I 
 s'pose," etc. etc. 
 
 In the casket scene the maid would sometimes 
 only just get off the stage before the curtain went up, 
 and even then Portia would not give up her powder 
 puff, but would fling it off before the curtain rose to 
 her waist. And what was the consequence? Instead 
 
90 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 of everyone standing as if for their photographs, they 
 looked as though the audience were suddenly intro- 
 duced to a scene that was in progress, everybody 
 seeming interested, and the fair Portia, her eyes 
 sparkling with excitement, and her graceful conceal- 
 ment of recent toilet giving a natural animation to 
 her appearance. Macready would shake a ladder 
 before going on to the stage, so why should not 
 Portia use a puff to make herself beautiful ? If this 
 be a puff, let her have the benefit of it anything 
 that will let her for years charm us as she does, and 
 save me the box on the ears my remarks entitle her 
 to administer. 
 
 During the " Merchant " Sir Henry would coach 
 me up in my part in " The Bells," which we played 
 on Saturday nights to give Miss Terry a rest. The 
 anomaly of Shylock conversing with a servant of 
 Portia did not matter, as the act drop was down. 
 
 If genius be the faculty of taking pains, Irving must 
 be a genius, for if it were the last performance of a 
 play, and he saw something that would improve it, he 
 would adopt it. Months after we had been playing 
 the " Merchant " he called me to him and said, " It 
 would be better, Ganthony, if your spurs jingled a 
 little more as you entered and crossed the stage." 
 I accordingly had two metal discs put in each, the 
 sound from which should have satisfied all the require- 
 ments of dramatic art. The company was very prone 
 to say, " Look at the men the guv'nor has to work for 
 him," forgetting that men must be selected like any- 
 thing else, and what they do must be criticised by a 
 superior intelligence, or a superlative presentment of 
 stage plays is impossible. 
 
 When a poacher's hut was set for the first time, 
 with all the windows beautifully painted, Irving 
 rammed a piece of straw into one of them and 
 
RANDOM -RECOLLECTIONS. 91 
 
 said, " That's better." The broken window gave 
 character, as did the ornate furniture in the following 
 "set" of the interior of a mansion, the appropriateness 
 of which was as critically examined. 
 
 It is usual at the Lyceum to engage men from 
 the Guards to act as supers, and in impersonating 
 military characters they are admirable ; but when a 
 detachment came down to enact the venerable Doges 
 who sit in judgment with the Duke, the effect was 
 amusing. 
 
 The reader can picture the manner in which a 
 number of Venetian greybeards would enter their 
 court of justice, and will understand how little this 
 picture was realised when, on a word from our chief 
 indicating where they were to enter, the officer 
 shouted, " Attention ! Dress ! Form twos ! For- 
 ward ! MARCH ! " the men, as stiff and upright 
 as drill could make them, marched with steady and 
 resounding tramp into the hall of justice. When 
 Irving explained what they were supposed to be, the 
 young officer burst out laughing, and left his men to 
 our stage manager, who taught them to stoop and 
 walk as though old and infirm. 
 
 The surplus Doges enacted the Venetian guard, 
 who stood round the court-room in stuffed breast- 
 plates and padded tights. They often fainted, and 
 were removed by the stage hands as they toppled 
 over. I wondered at the time if the cause were the 
 heat or a weariness of dramatic effect. A wider 
 experience of human nature makes me attribute 
 these swoonings to the knowledge of the fact that 
 Mary Jane was waiting outside in Wellington Street, 
 with whom the time might be more agreeably spent. 
 This conclusion has, however, no basis of fact to 
 support it. 
 
 At the end of the season a notice was put up 
 
92 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 dismissing the whole company, which came upon me 
 rather suddenly, as I had understood that I could 
 remain as long as I liked ; but here again there was 
 nothing in writing, so I was foolish to have relied 
 upon it. Sir Henry, I know now, did me an act of 
 kindness in forcing me to strike out for myself. He 
 had said that the Lyceum was no place for a 
 comedian, that I was wasting time there, and that 
 I should give an entertainment or play comedy parts. 
 
 It was a mournful discovery to find that the agents 
 would hardly listen to my applications ; in fact, with 
 all my experience, I appeared worse off than when I 
 knew nothing. I was advised to frequent the Gaiety 
 bar, which I did for one day, drank some spirits, 
 which I detested, and walked back to my lodgings 
 wondering why such a fascinating art had such dis- 
 tasteful surroundings. Tired of wasting time trying 
 to obtain an engagement, I determined to write an 
 entertainmejit, and thus " Evenings from Home," the 
 general title for the numerous programmes of little 
 plays which my sister and 1 gave throughout England 
 for over eight years, was inaugurated. 
 
 One of the agents upon whom I called (a Mr 
 Haywell) had written a play in blank verse on some 
 historical subject, which, as he could not get it pro- 
 duced, he determined to read at the Steinway Hall. 
 The time of the reading was three o'clock. I arrived 
 at a quarter past, hot and out of breath, and inquired 
 excitedly if there was still room ? The man at the 
 door thought there was, and his theory was verified, 
 for there were only two besides myself when I 
 entered a man in the gallery, who could not make up 
 his mind where to sit, and a black man in the stalls, 
 who grinned at me as though the affair were a good 
 joke. Mr Haywell appeared and recited to us some 
 five acts of blank verse, which effectually took the 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 93 
 
 grin out of the Indian, and sent the man in the 
 gallery to sleep. Haywell had had promises of a 
 good audience, and his play deserved a better fate. I 
 think the matter preyed on him, for I heard of his 
 death shortly afterwards. 
 
 J\>entn0s from ibome, 
 
 INSTEAD of following Maccabe, Woodin, and others, 
 and giving a series of impersonations having no 
 reference to each other, I introduced acting and plot 
 in dialogue form, arguing that the development of a 
 plot would interest ; that acting different characters 
 was more amusing than merely impersonating them ; 
 that dialogue was more interesting than monologue ; 
 and that a lady whose singing would fill up the time 
 when I was changing from one character to another 
 would be a capital attraction. The first piece I wrote 
 was " On Board the Reverie" the plot of which 
 suggested itself to me when yachting with a friend, 
 after whose schooner I named our first play or sketch, 
 which, with "The Lady Help," formed our No. I 
 evening. 
 
 In those days I knew nothing about sleight-of-hand, 
 ventriloquism, and the numerous " Ganthonicals " that 
 I have invented since, and which now comprise my 
 present single-handed two hours' entertainment. I 
 could recite, but an evening of recitation, unless in 
 the hands of my dear friend Samuel Brandram, at 
 that time was of no use as an attraction with the 
 general public; so an entertainment of character 
 acting in plays, broken up by violin, flute, banjo, 
 and singing, was decided upon. 
 
 I wrote the sketches myself, because I was not able 
 to pay anyone else to write them. When I went to 
 
94 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 the agents to engage a lady to play with me I found 
 tviat it was even more difficult to secure an actress 
 than it was to obtain an engagement. At last Mr 
 Haywell, to whom I have alluded, found a young 
 lady, who called upon me, and, to my alarm, pro- 
 duced a number of photographs of herself in tights 
 and airy costumes. If my wife sees these, I thought, 
 there will be an end to my scheme altogether. 
 
 When asked if she played the piano, she said, "Yes, 
 in the way of a vampire." I knew something about 
 music and had a fair acquaintance with the English 
 language, but I could not understand what she meant. 
 Do you, reader ? If you do, forgive me for saying that 
 she meant that she "vamped" id est, accompanied a 
 song by following it with the simple chords of the key 
 in which the song was written. The method hardly 
 accorded with my desire to introduce good music into 
 m/ programmes. Her voice was common, and her 
 e^ ucation had not been what would be termed a 
 liberal one not so liberal, at all events, as the terms 
 she demanded. I did not know how to explain with 
 sufficient delicacy that she would not do, when she 
 said, on hearing that there were only two in the play, 
 " Oh, I ain't going round the country with you in a 
 sketch ; I should lose my character." This new and 
 unexpected view of the matter saved me any further 
 trouble, and, taking up her photographs, she wished 
 me "good- day" and left. 
 
 This element of propriety added to my difficulties, 
 which, if existing when the lady lacked education 
 and raiment, would be enhanced when a more 
 suitable actress presented herself. My wife from 
 her sick bed suggested that I should ask my 
 youngest sister Ada to play the part, adding, "She 
 is always acting." This was a good idea ; a brother 
 and sister was a good combination for a family 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 95 
 
 entertainment, if my sister, who was still in short 
 frocks, was not too young. The failure of the Ag a 
 Bank and other Indian investments made her, I knew, 
 though young, wish to do something for herself, and 
 so I wrote to her proposing that I should teach her, 
 and write parts to suit her, and have her join me in 
 my venture. She replied that she thought that she 
 could act as well as plenty of girls she had seen, and 
 that she would not be "so jolly affected and conceited, 
 which," she added, " I don't think people like." I 
 sent her two pounds to get her from the North, where 
 she was staying with a married sister, who made her 
 come up first class because some of her (the married 
 sister's) friends might be at the station. This was 
 done at my expense, as she paid the fare out of 
 the money I had sent, and which I could ill spare. 
 Needless to say that my sister proved an apt pup'i, 
 and years before the London papers alluded to u :r 
 confidence as being remarkable for a ctibutant*, , I 
 had patiently taught her the business of the stage 
 point by point. When we made known our intention 
 the family insisted on our assuming an alias, which, 
 as I have said, I have always declined to do. If my 
 talents, fortunately or unfortunately, lie in a certain 
 direction, I need not disgrace my name because I 
 exercise those talents. The upshot was that I put 
 my wife's name, "Nellie," in the bills and programmes, 
 and by that name my sister Ada has been known to 
 the public ever since. 
 
 Determined to try and do everything well, as I had 
 seen it done at the Lyceum, I had a model of a yacht 
 cabin made, with steps that led down into it bunks, 
 port-holes, or dead lights which was all right for effect, 
 but not for moving about. A cart was always 
 necessary for the luggage, which got terribly knocked 
 about, and did not fit every hall we played at ; and 
 
96 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 further, it took all day to put up, and when it was up 
 the audience, I found, just glanced at it, forgetting it 
 directly we came upon the stage. 
 
 I advertised for an acting manager in the Era, and 
 men came who had scarcely shoes to their feet. I 
 was quite ashamed of my visitors. Ultimately I 
 secured a man who, as he termed it, " Knew the road," 
 for he and his wife had given an entertainment, and I 
 did not foresee at the time that they intended at my 
 expense to arrange another tour for themselves while 
 going round with me. 
 
 Through the kindness of Dr Lane, of Harley 
 Street, whom I had known for some years, my wife, 
 who was very ill, obtained leave to walk in the 
 grounds of Bethlehem Hospital " Bedlam " when 
 every passer-by would look at her through the railings 
 with curiosity and pity, and seem very disconcerted 
 and surprised when the gatekeeper bowed her out into 
 the street. In return for this privilege I offered to give 
 the first performance of " On Board the Reverie" for 
 the edification of the patients, thinking that if it 
 pleased the lunatics inside " Bedlam " it could not 
 fail afterwards with the general public. Having 
 arranged the evening, I wrote to my friend Truscott, 
 who was then Lord Mayor, to come and see it. He 
 notified his intention direct to the heads of the 
 hospital, and put them in a flurry as to whether he 
 would come in state or as an ordinary mortal. As it 
 happened, he came, with Lady Truscott, as an 
 ordinary mortal, ready to be amused, and at the end 
 of the performance he expressed himself enthusi- 
 astically about our future chances. 
 
 My father, who has acted with Woodin, etc., in the 
 old days in charitable performances at the Olympic 
 Theatre which drew full houses, was quite taken aback 
 at my sister's debut. He said the easy, collected way 
 
^ V 
 
 if 
 
 "~ *< 
 
 s - 
 
 I 6 
 
 

 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 97 
 
 in which she entered and delivered her lines, as she 
 looked over some music on the piano, was as natural 
 as anything could be all of which I was glad to hear. 
 
 My manager had booked a short tour commencing 
 at St Albans, upon which we started soon after the 
 initial performance. The tour over, he deserted me. 
 
 I was advised by friends to give the next 
 performance nearer home, so I arranged for an 
 evening at the Masonic Hall, Camberwell. With 
 the assistance of a sailor sent by my friend Mr 
 Harry Taylor from his yacht Reverie, I spent the 
 whole day putting up the heavy scene, working till I 
 gave the performance in the evening. Had I not 
 been very strong physically I could not have gone 
 through what I did. As I had improved the enter- 
 tainment, the concert was artistically and financially 
 successful. 
 
 The necessity of a lighter " fit up " became obvious, 
 and I saw that the absence of the heavy cartage bills 
 and excess luggage would have loft a small profit, 
 and, besides, not have worn me out at work I should 
 of course have been spared. 
 
 Instead of a drawer curtain and yacht scene, I had 
 a half circle of light brass rods and light curtains, 
 with a port-hole that fitted on to ordinary chairs 
 which were covered with cushions, and this suggestion 
 of a yacht cabin proved to be all that was necessary. 
 With our new arrangement we could get the whole 
 paraphernalia on to a four-wheel cab, and start direct 
 and all together from the stations to the halls. This 
 abandonment of heavy luggage was the turning point 
 towards success. With less heavy labour I could 
 give a better performance, and the weight of the show 
 rested on me more at first than it did afterwards, as 
 my sister learnt her art by constantly playing, and 
 began to introduce on her own account a lot of funny 
 
 c; 
 
98 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 and consistent business. About this time a gentle- 
 man who had lost money in other ways conceived the 
 idea of reimbursing himself with our entertainment, 
 and made a proposition. We were to have twelve 
 pounds a week, and he would engage us for three 
 months. This would have been advantageous indeed 
 had he understood the business of an entrepreneur, 
 but he did not. 
 
 Our tour with the gentleman we will call the 
 " speculator " was to Tunbridge Wells, Hastings, 
 Folkestone, Dover, Herne Bay, etc.; Calais, in 
 France, and another place near there, the name of 
 which I have forgotten, where we played at a hall 
 called L'Elysee. 
 
 I had thought that if an entertainment succeeded 
 in pleasing it would be a good living, but experience 
 showed that an entertainment must not only be good, 
 but the public must know that it is good. We found on 
 our first tours that, though those who came liked it, 
 not enough knew in time to ensure a profit But we 
 are advertised for Tunbridge Wells, so let us get there. 
 
 A fearfully hot day in August was the kind of 
 weather on which our speculator made his first start. 
 We began with a matinee. The people at the hotel 
 at which we performed and stayed had taken tickets, 
 so we opened, but not a soul came. Learning that 
 the hotel folk were not coming till the evening, we 
 closed the hall, and, removing our make-up, went out 
 into the cool in a somewhat thoughtful mood ; but, 
 as our speculator was merry, and inclined to make 
 light of it, we gave up grieving over what did not 
 affect our salaries. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 99 
 
 jfrencb Experiences. 
 
 WHEN we played at Hastings at the music hall, which 
 was named before music halls came into fashion and 
 was, as its name implied, a hall for music, the manager 
 strongly advised us to cross the channel. "At Calais," 
 he said, "all the English employed at the lace factories 
 would rush to see anything English. We should be 
 the first to go there." We were, and I devoutly hope, 
 for the sake of others, that we were the last. So 
 enthusiastic did our speculator become, that he asked 
 me, as I spoke French, if I would spend the few dates 
 we had open in going over to Boulogne and Calais 
 and see about engaging dates there. I went to 
 Boulogne, and the first person I met was Dr 
 Lane, who had a chateau on the coast. With him 
 we interviewed the managers of the different places 
 of entertainment. The terms they offered made me 
 wonder why the French have the impertinence to call 
 us a nation of shopkeepers, for a stingier or meaner 
 people are surely difficult to find. Do business with 
 them and you will no longer wonder why French 
 artistes fill our music halls. There was nothing to do 
 at Boulogne ; Le Grand Vance (the Great Vance) had 
 been there, and British talent was at a discount. My 
 English friends said that they had never been made 
 to feel so ashamed of their country as during this 
 artiste's term of engagement. The French shrugged 
 their shoulders and were scathingly satirical at the 
 class of entertainment that the English love. As there 
 was nothing to be done at Boulogne, I went on to 
 Calais, and, inquiring of a young Frenchman in carpet 
 slippers for the theatre, he not only told me where it 
 was, but accompanied me there. During our stroll he 
 learnt the object of my visit, which naturally I wished 
 
100 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 to make as public as possible. He handed me his 
 card, and introduced himself as the Baron Carryon la 
 Tour and offered me his services. Carry on /a tour 
 was what I wanted to do, so we repaired to the 
 manager of the theatre, who kept a wineshop, where 
 we ordered some refreshment, and, talking the matter 
 over, the Baron said that he would undertake the 
 duties of local agent on commission. As I had 
 nothing to lose by this I agreed to it, whereupon 
 we summoned the manager and, over the wine and 
 some cigarettes, we went deeply, and with a 
 wonderful amount of ceremony, into the matter, 
 and fixed a date. The manager then complimented 
 the Baron on his capacity for business, and the Baron 
 complimented the manager on his, and we separated. 
 I have lost all record of the transaction now, but 
 I remember that I had to pay a poor rate, for /es 
 pompiers the men with the fire-engine and had to 
 put a stamp on all bills put on walls or in windows 
 a plan we might adopt in England, with a view to 
 the moderation of the hoardings now so common. I 
 left the Baron to look after the advertising and see 
 to the bills being put up, and returned to continue 
 our tour along the south coast, at which we had 
 varying success a few good houses, and for some 
 reason whether we had the wrong hall, the wrong 
 night, or our entertainment was not to their fancy 
 we had poor houses, which took away the profits the 
 good houses brought. It was after a run of ill-luck 
 that we crossed to France, my wife, sister, self, and 
 our man, known as the " Gorilla." On arriving at 
 Calais the Baron met us full of fury with our 
 speculator, who, it appears, had left him to work 
 without funds. He showed us to what was called a 
 hotel, where he had taken rooms for us and very 
 expensive rooms they were and what was worse, it 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 101 
 
 was a place we should not have gone to, as it was 
 chiefly a wine-drinking place for sailors. It was kept 
 by a man who had been a gentleman and had run 
 through his money and settled down in Calais, 
 purchasing this place with the remnant of his capital, 
 and remaining where the English creditors ceased 
 from troubling. The speculator, now that we were in 
 France, left us to get on as well as we could without 
 funds also, as he had done our noble agent in advance. 
 During the time we were there the Baron would go 
 out and fight the men who tried to cover up our 
 posters, and there were some miniature riots on this 
 subject with him and his friends and those of the 
 rival billposter. The hotel alarmed my womenfolk, 
 and the variety entertainment that went on down- 
 stairs, kept up by a male and female vocalist and a 
 harpist, did not lull them to sleep, though the music 
 was kept up till quite late. 1 would have given the 
 whole thing up, but we received no remittances from 
 the speculator, and had to make the best of it. 
 
 The performance at the Calais Theatre was fairly 
 successful, but the Elysec, a few miles out, was a mere 
 waste of time and money. The hotel fleeced us in 
 such a barefaced way that all our takings went 
 and yet were not enough to satisfy his charges. 1 
 went with the Baron to the Monte de Piete and 
 pawned my watch and chain. I gave him the money 
 to settle with the hotel, as he explained that he was 
 connected with it, and he gave me a receipt on their 
 paper. 
 
 I left that day (Saturday), telling my man to 
 follow with the luggage so as to arrive in time for 
 the evening performance at Dover on the Monday. 
 If we had waited for the theatrical stuff we should 
 have missed the boat, and, as my wife and sister 
 implored me to get them out of Calais as soon as 
 
102 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 possible, I crossed with them, leaving the " Gorilla " 
 to follow on Monday. That evening we had tea in 
 a comfortable lodging in Dover, and what a sense 
 of relief and security it was to be once again in 
 England ! 
 
 On Monday, when I went to meet the boat, no 
 " Gorilla " and no luggage arrived. At once I had 
 out bills saying that my sister, on account of the 
 passage, would not be able to appear until Tuesday, 
 and then, finding I had just enough for the trip across 
 and a two franc piece over, I took a ticket and caught 
 the night boat and crossed to see what had happened, 
 reached Calais and the hotel just as the sailors were 
 turning out from the cafe chantant, and found the 
 proprietor drunk. 
 
 The first thing I saw on entering was the luggage. 
 The man had got it from the theatre as security 
 for our hotel bill, which the Baron had not settled. He 
 had instead left for Paris with the money. I showed 
 the proprietor my receipt, and he only laughed. I 
 argued with him, and he got more and more drunk 
 as night went on. One moment he would let 
 me have the things ; the next he would not. At last 
 he said that if he could keep my portmanteau and 
 have my mackintosh coat, I could take the things if 
 I'd promise to remit him the amount of the bill, 
 which, of course, I said I would do. He took the 
 coat and put the portmanteau under his chair, and 
 then decided that he would not let the things go. 
 
 At daybreak the wretch fell asleep, and I still 
 waited, hungry and sick of the smell of the place. 
 An hour or so passed, and the man came to take 
 down the shutters and sweep out the place. Rousing 
 his master he led him to bed, to which he went 
 without noticing me. Through the now opened door 
 I saw a man in a blouse wheeling a long barrow. I 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 103 
 
 asked him if he could take my luggage down to the 
 steamer? "Willingly," he replied in French. He 
 was now going down to it. In a moment we had 
 lifted the baskets on to his truck, and were on our 
 way to the docks or pier. When we got there I said, 
 " Combien ? " He said, " Deux francs," and I gave 
 him the only piece of money I had left. " Shall we 
 put your things aboard ? " a sailor asked, in a language 
 that was refreshing to hear. " Yes," I answered, care- 
 lessly ; " yes, put them on board." Then I walked 
 up and down the quay wondering what I should do. 
 I was determined to give a performance that night, 
 and equally determined to get the luggage over, 
 though I had not a penny piece with which to bless 
 myself. If I told the captain he might put my 
 luggage ashore and wait till I had the money. If I 
 went on board I might be asked for my fare, which 
 might lead both to myself and my luggage being 
 rejected, so I walked up and down the quay until the 
 steamer was starting, and the captain shouted, " Now, 
 sir, if you intend going, get aboard." I did intend 
 going, so I stepped aboard, the gangway was 
 immediately pulled away, and in a few minutes I 
 was watching with relief the increasing length of 
 water between the steamer and the Calais pier. 
 When the officer began collecting the fares I 
 placed myself where the dreaded interview would 
 be postponed as long as possible, and also got into 
 a corner by myself, so that our conversation should 
 be private. At last he came, and, with a cheerful 
 flip of his ticket-book, he said, " Fares, please," to 
 which I truthfully replied, " I have no money." 
 
 " That's a nice state of affairs." 
 
 " I don't think so." 
 
 He smiled and walked off humming a tune. When 
 he had finished his accounts he came back, and lean- 
 
104 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 ing against the partition near me, asked me what was 
 the matter? I told him my story, to which he 
 listened and then left me. 
 
 When he returned he said, " You are the Mr 
 Ganthony who is giving an entertainment at the 
 Appolonian Hall to-night ? Three of you came over 
 on Saturday ? " I said " Yes " to both questions. 
 
 " The young lady did not appear sick when 
 crossing." 
 
 " Those packages would have made her all right," 
 I replied, indicating my luggage. 
 
 " Do you think you could spare me six front seats 
 for to-night ? " 
 
 This was easily done, and I wrote him out a 
 card at once, whereupon he said he would see me 
 through. How I blessed that sailor, and if he is ever 
 in a straight, and will let me know, I will help him. 
 
 Arrived at Dover, I saw my luggage swung ashore ; 
 but I could not see my friend, and began to think 
 that I had been sold again. An English sailor, how- 
 ever, is more to be trusted than a French count, and 
 I had faith. 
 
 " I forgot to give you your ticket," a voice said 
 behind me, when, tearing one out of his book, he 
 passed me up the gangway, and I stepped on shore 
 about three o'clock on Tuesday afternoon. 
 
 " Take up yer luggage, sir ? " shouted the porters. 
 
 I selected the most good-natured man I could see, 
 and gave him the job, following him on foot to the 
 hall. We soon had the baskets on the stage. 
 
 " Perhaps you would like to come in to-night with 
 your wife ? " 
 
 " Very much, if you please, sir." 
 
 " All right, here's my card ; admit two. When I 
 see you after the show I will tell you about the 
 luggage to-morrow, and settle up for the lot." 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. IO5 
 
 When he had gone I breathed again, and could not 
 help smiling at getting myself and a lot of luggage 
 over from France into the hall at Dover without 
 spending a penny. 
 
 I was putting up the " fit up " when my wife and 
 sister arrived and lent a hand. The " Gorilla," not 
 expecting that I would come over so soon, had 
 escorted the wife of the Calais hotel proprietor to a 
 picnic, from which I left him to get back on the same 
 terms as I had done. 
 
 Before the doors were opened crowds had assembled, 
 those who could not get in on Monday swelling the 
 patrons on the Tuesday. In addition, the closing on 
 
 Monday and the sister's illness, though apocryphal, 
 created talk and sympathy. At all events, we had a 
 bumper house, and the coin clinked at the box 
 office for half an hour, with gratifying results to the 
 treasury. Our first piece was " The Lady Help," 
 in which I open in the character of an old Irish 
 lodging-house keeper. In the middle of the old 
 woman's first speech in walked my friend the officer, 
 with five pretty girls. He was shown to the best 
 scats in the house. I caught his eye once and gave 
 him a wink, and since that time have never seen or 
 heard of him. 
 
 With funds in hand I was liberal to the man who 
 had brought the luggage. The strain and excitement 
 over, I felt the effects of what I had gone through. 
 It was half-past ten, and I had had nothing to eat 
 since dinner the previous day. Crossing the Channel 
 twice did not lessen my discomfort, added to which 
 I had had no sleep, but a very miserable and 
 anxious time. Next day I sent the money I owed to 
 France, settled up with the billposters a swindling 
 set if ever there was one paid for the advertisements, 
 piano, etc., which was not for me to do, and then we 
 
1O6 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 started for Herr.e Bay, where we had to turn the 
 people away. When we had finished at Herne Bay 
 on the first night, I found, on going to the box 
 office, that the speculator had suddenly turned up 
 and collared the takings. We had another big house 
 on the second night, when the speculator, out of the 
 money that came in, paid up what he owed for the 
 French trip, but decided that the Baron's behaviour 
 cancelled his obligation to pay him ; so he put that 
 amount in his own pocket, together with the balance, 
 after paying us. 
 
 As the speculator left us when we wanted assist- 
 ance, and only came to take his share of the receipts 
 when business was good, we decided in future to do 
 without one. Speculative touring is something like 
 gambling at Monte Carlo the odds are against you, 
 and you must ultimately lose. The receipts when 
 touring are uncertain, whereas the expenses are 
 not. A wet night, or a night that is too fine ; local 
 opposition shows ; sickness, a murder, a political 
 meeting, where they can hear indifferent oratory free 
 of charge, are all contingencies that may spoil your 
 chance of a house ; but the billposter will come if no 
 one else does, with a bill for displaying printing that 
 is under the cushion of his parlour sofa ; the hall 
 and the piano must be paid for, and money takers, 
 ticket takers, etc., must be remunerated. 
 
 Occasionally people will flock to see a man whom 
 a theatre or music hall has boomed, and while the 
 fashion lasts, and the public flock, money can be 
 made ; but these are exceptional cases, and require 
 not only a clever artiste, but that that artiste must 
 have a number of favourable conditions to assist him, 
 for, as a general rule, touring when you take halls 
 means loss of money and very hard work. Not to 
 be misunderstood in trying to warn those who, as 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. IO? 
 
 many do after a success in their own town, go on 
 tour, I might add that I am not referring to the 
 touring of theatrical companies, where the circum- 
 stances are different, as the local theatre takes half 
 the risk finding the theatre, billposting, etc. I am 
 alluding to speculating with an entertainment where 
 halls are engaged. The disastrous results even of the 
 Moore and Burgess Minstrels' provincial tour, under 
 its present management, goes to prove the correctness 
 of what I am saying. 
 
 Mr and Mrs Arthur Law gave a charming enter- 
 tainment, which some years earlier would have made 
 their fortunes, but their encouragement, like that 
 which we had, did not warrant them in continuing to 
 speculate. 
 
 What happened to us, when experiencing 
 anxiety and loss from touring, was that a number 
 of secretaries of institutes and societies saw our 
 " Evenings from Home " while holiday-making at the 
 seaside, and engaged it for their winter season at fees 
 varying from five to fifteen guineas. In these engage- 
 ments we had to do nothing but provide the enter- 
 tainment, be ready to commence at the time arranged, 
 and receive a cheque at the conclusion. Here was a 
 phase of the entertaining business of which I was pre- 
 viously ignorant ; and another matter which I did not 
 foresee was that the class of entertainment which I had 
 arranged was a change from the conjuring, lectures, 
 etc., of which the institutes had had a surfeit. The little 
 farces, introducing instrumental music, and the charm- 
 ing singing and acting of my sister Nellie, whose love 
 of fun makes her keep the fact of her being a delightful 
 ballad singer a profound secret, made the matter we 
 submitted very taking if I may repeat what was 
 said of us. 
 
 My friends, George Grossmith and Albert Chevalier, 
 
108 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 both had circumstances operating in their favour 
 which they did not control and could not have fore- 
 seen. An author wanting a tenor who had no voice 
 is a form of humour peculiar to a man of Mr 
 Gilbert's original genius ; the music hall craze, 
 and the sudden fascination and popularity of coster 
 songs sung for years before, and going on now, gave 
 Chevalier a popularity of which he never dreamed. 
 So in a minor way did this opening save us from 
 having all our labour lost. By cultivating the insti- 
 tutes we could book up in summer months engage- 
 ments for the winter upon which we could rely, and 
 from September to Lent we made from ten to twenty 
 pounds a week for about eight years. It was mere 
 chance this feature of fixed fees, but it saved the 
 situation. At the present time so many touring 
 companies go to every village that the days of the 
 institutes have passed, and had we began now to offer 
 the same entertainment, we could not make a fifty 
 pound note at it. The effect of the companies going 
 round was to make acting, which was the feature of 
 our work, common ; and the public would count the 
 cast in the company, and then, looking at our pro- 
 gramme, would say, " Only two ! " and feel that 
 they would not get their money's worth. They are 
 beginning to learn now that numbers do not con- 
 stitute talent. 
 
 A well-known actor told me that he was amused 
 at an old colonel at Terry's, who was loud in his 
 expostulations when my sister came on to give 
 her monologue. He wanted a play at a theatre 
 in which I think he was right but as her enter- 
 tainment proceeded he became interested in it, 
 then began to laugh, and finally gave way to the 
 successful efforts of one performer who amused the 
 audience for nearly an hour. When the play "Jed bury 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 109 
 
 Junr." came on he wouldn't have it at any price. 
 The Indian scene, where everyone complains of the 
 heat, and in which there are no punkahs, and no black 
 servants (an arrangement only found at the Govern- 
 ment House), disgusted him and he left. I recall this 
 as a case of numbers versus talent. 
 
 In visiting institutes round the country I heard 
 many things that were interesting about entertainers 
 who are gone ; for the folk in the country have good 
 memories for what talent visits them, and very good 
 judges they are too. How they worship the memory 
 of the first George Grossmith ! At Alton they told 
 me at the institute of the early appearance there of 
 Savoy Theatre George, and his father's anxiety about 
 his future. " There is that boy of mine gone married 
 and getting a family, and the public don't take to 
 him. I don't know what will become of him." He 
 was with his father then being introduced to the 
 institute world, and the institute world preferred the 
 old favourite, his father. Entertaining, like every- 
 thing else, has to be learnt and developed by 
 practice, and our Savoy George was then be- 
 ginning. His subsequent success shows what 
 can be done by perseverance and seizing oppor- 
 tunities. I expect the more robust style of the 
 father made the son's early successes more difficult 
 with that particular audience, for, like Aristophanes, 
 to be appreciated, he wanted a cultured and refined 
 audience. I always thoroughly enjoyed my friend's 
 work. It appealed to me. I possibly possess, 
 without knowing it, the quality of refinement essential 
 to his success. 
 
 A curious instance of what I mean was demon- 
 strated in Weedon Grossmith's performance in 
 " The Romance of a Shop Walker," when as the 
 Shop Walker he sings a song of trashy senti- 
 
110 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 ment called, I think, "After the Ball." A 
 nobleman's daughter (charmingly played by his 
 wife, Miss May Palfrey) accompanies him upon 
 the piano. He says, " Ah, that's really good 
 the words you know real poetry," or something 
 to that effect, which provoked a roar of laughter 
 at the Vaudeville, but at Ealing, when I heard it 
 there, the audience took his remarks seriously, and 
 agreed with him that " After the Ball " was a fine 
 song, and one that embodied a fine sentiment. Satire 
 is a dangerous form of amusement unless you have 
 a special audience. The very elements of George 
 Grossmith's first non-success were the factors of 
 his subsequent triumphs. I heard, when on tour, of 
 Woodin who nursed me on his knee when I was a 
 boy and of his days. He would not accept institute 
 engagements, because he could do better by putting 
 up his bills and giving a show on his own account. It 
 will be seen how fashion changes. When entertainers 
 were scarce, they could do better by putting up their 
 bills and opening their doors to the public. As they 
 became more plentiful, the entertainer did better with 
 an engagement. Then entertainments became so 
 common that institutes failed and could not engage 
 them. There are still institutes which do engage them, 
 and there are subscription concerts which supply the 
 best entertainment to the best audiences, but the 
 institutes have seen their best days. With his carpet- 
 bag and sketch-book, Woodin went to all the small 
 towns he thought likely to be of any use. A doctor, 
 who always welcomed anything in the way of a respect- 
 able entertainment, told me that Woodin drove in a 
 dog-cart to his village once, but before he could speak 
 to him he had made up his mind not to try it, and had 
 left. At another, they told me that he was a great 
 man for advertising, and would leave a quantity of 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. Ill 
 
 pictures, with orders that directly one got torn or 
 soiled another one was to be put up. When in London, 
 the large carpet-bag and sketch-book which he carried 
 about the streets, reaching as it did half-way up the 
 houses, so frightened the horses that the police had to 
 stop its exhibition. 
 
 On his retirement he wrote to his father, who 
 had always opposed the entertainment, that he had 
 given up the show business, and, as he was coming to 
 see him, he sent on his carpet-bag. To the old 
 gentleman's amazement, when he pulled up his blind 
 the next morning he saw this enormous counterfeit 
 bag of lath and plaster reposing on his front lawn. 
 
 By having everything made to go in a small space, 
 and weigh very little, and a " fit-up " that was portable 
 and easily fixed, we were able to visit a number of small 
 places with profit, which previously would have been 
 impossible. When paid a fee we had not the expense 
 of advertising, and had to spend no time in " working 
 up a house." The local people will do that when they 
 have to get the money back they pay you ; but woe 
 betide you if you go to a place and trust to their 
 promises, and take the risk yourself! If they will 
 not guarantee a sum it is because there is a risk about 
 getting it back ; and as we didn't care to run that 
 risk, we did not go without a guarantee, and a few of 
 our experiences will show the sagacity of this course. 
 
 At a village I think Woburn Sands we were to 
 give an entertainment at the schoolroom attached to 
 the vicarage, and be the guest of the vicar. Shortly 
 after we arrived a tremendous snowstorm came on 
 and literally buried the schoolroom and the country 
 round. After dinner we went to the room and gave 
 the entertainment to the vicar, his friends, and a 
 shepherd who had beaten his way through the snow. 
 The old man said, proudly, " Oi be on the committee, 
 
112 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 and be bound to come." Many committee-men that 
 I know would have been disinclined to face that 
 snow, even though duty called them. 
 
 Once we went to Thornbury, where we found that 
 we had to perform in the tennis court of Thornbury 
 Castle, the seat of Norfolk Howard ; and we further 
 discovered that it was audit day. Every hotel in 
 Thornbury was crammed with farmers who had come 
 in to pay their rents, and it was impossible to procure 
 food from the town, which was some way off. We 
 drove to the Castle, and were trying over some music 
 when a gentleman came in and began chatting with 
 us, finishing up by telling us that we were invited 
 to dine at the Castle. We accepted, though 
 as a rule we preferred not to go out before work, as 
 entertaining conversation is expected of us, which is 
 really more tiring than repeating what we have com- 
 mitted to memory. It was a lovely place, and among 
 the guests at dinner were a number of titled people, 
 whose names I forget, though I remember them and 
 most of our conversation. My sister kept them 
 laughing all through dinner, and they encouraged us 
 to say good things by their sympathy and courtesy. 
 We are not great ones for wine and spirits, so when 
 asked what wine we would take, my sister said, seeing 
 water on the table, " I should prefer water," and I 
 echoed her. The Howards are enthusiastic temper- 
 ance advocates, and our unconscious acquiescence with 
 their views I believe was both a surprise and a gratifi- 
 cation to them. I remember seeing Norfolk Howard 
 at one of the small Gloucester railway stations, and 
 remarked to my sister what a handsome and 
 distinguished man he looked a worthy example of 
 the advantages of abstinence. Without wishing to 
 pose as a teetotaler, I often have to confess that total 
 abstinence is better than the degradation drink too 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 113 
 
 frequently brings, and the human misery necessary to 
 keep so many lights flaring at the publicans' windows, 
 Why is temperance mixed up with Christianity? 
 Christ turned the water into wine not wine into 
 water. 
 
 After dinner the vicar, who was there, told us that 
 he intended looking after us till we left. He drove 
 us away in his carriage to an inn used by hunting 
 men in the season, which we found wonderfully 
 comfortable. Thus all our difficulties about food and 
 lodging were removed, and, instead of being fleeced 
 at the overcrowded town, we dined with people of title 
 and had capital quarters, for which the vicar would not 
 allow us to pay. I found then, as I have often done 
 since, that people whose position is assured have the 
 most gracious manners, and when you find people 
 try to enforce their importance upon your attention, 
 you arc dealing with those to whom a position in 
 society is still of the character of a surprise. 
 
 A lady at Putney wrote me a letter in the third 
 
 person, putting at the bottom , Esq., M.I'., 
 
 address Mrs , and alluded to the high-class 
 
 quality of her guests, which, instead of impressing me, 
 only told me that her position was newly acquired, as 
 washer husband's right to the letters "M.P." This 
 gentleman, I heard when dining at St Stephen's Club, 
 is the only member who puts M.P. on his visiting card! 
 I remember, when we kept a carriage, our coachman, 
 speaking of some people who were never without 
 theirs at the door, said, " They ain't had it long, that's 
 'o\v it is." The same is true of position and everything 
 else ; but why haven't the new rich who have brains 
 the sense to act otherwise ? 
 
 My sister and I once went to give an entertainment 
 at Beaumont College. When we arrived at Windsor, 
 a gentleman met us at the station. 
 
 H 
 
114 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 " I want to explain," he said, " Beaumont College 
 is a Jesuit college, and, of course, no ladies are 
 admitted." 
 
 " Why did you engage us ? " I naturally asked. 
 
 " Because we wanted yon to give us an entertain- 
 ment." 
 
 " Then I had better go home," my sister remarked 
 with a slight pout. 
 
 "You should have written and told me," I remarked. 
 
 "Then you would not have come, and we should 
 not have had you." 
 
 " But I am not prepared to give a two hours' enter- 
 tainment, and certainly not at a moment's notice," was 
 my rejoinder, but in the end I got my dress suit out 
 of the basket, rammed it under the seat of his dog- 
 cart as, of course, I had no portmanteau, and then 
 saw the sister into the train, she and the luggage 
 returning to Richmond. 
 
 The entertainment we intended giving was " The 
 Lady Help," and " On Board the Reverie? and it was 
 only owing to our engagement to give a fuller show 
 at the St James' Hall the following evening that I 
 happened to have, for the first time in two years, a 
 dress suit with me ; but it was a misfortune not to be 
 able to undertake our regular programme, as we 
 intended this performance to be a rehearsal for the 
 London performance ; so it is that things happen to 
 spoil an important event, as our London appearance 
 was to us. 
 
 The Jesuits were the most charming hosts I ever 
 had ; they could not do enough for me. I was 
 naturally anxious to arrange what I was going to do 
 to get through the evening. They took me to the 
 theatre, when it struck me as very odd to see a priest 
 in his cap and long gown pulling away at tlje curtain 
 ropes ancj setting the wings, and doing what was 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 11$ 
 
 usually done by a stage carpenter in his shirt sleeves. 
 With a sheet of paper and a pencil I made out a 
 programme. When I walked on the stage with 
 my hastily-prepared programme, and saw before me a 
 collection of red-gowned cardinals with keen, critical, 
 intellectual faces, I felt that the whole business was 
 hardly fair, as no remark was made about the change 
 of programme, and I was judged as though I was 
 giving my best work. The evening was one of great 
 anxiety, and I was glad when it was over. Neither 
 my sister nor I had perfected our monologue enter- 
 tainment in those days. The monks expressed them- 
 selves delighted, as was the groom who after 
 supper drove me to the station. The latter had under 
 his knee a little fair-haired girl, whose presence 
 he apologised for by explaining that she would 
 go to the entertainment, and he was now smuggling 
 her home. So there was a lady there after all ! 
 When my sister got to Richmond she did not trouble 
 about the luggage, which the men knew so well that 
 they always took it to my house as a matter of course. 
 This time, however, it was back so soon, that the porter 
 seeing it said, "Why wasn't this lot sent to Windsor? 
 Mr Ganthony wants it there for to-night," whereupon 
 it was put on the train and sent down to Windsor 
 again. When I got out of the dog-cart and 
 walked into Windsor Station, with my dress clothes 
 in a sheet of paper, the first thing I saw was the 
 luggage I had seen ofT in the train with my sister a 
 few hours previously. " It's an ill wind that blows 
 no good," and, delighted to get rid of my bundle, I 
 opened the basket and put it in, had it labelled again 
 for Richmond, and accompanied it home. 
 
 When we arrived at Walton-on-Thames on one 
 occasion we found the hall on an island, and we had 
 to drive several miles through water on account of 
 
Il6 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 the floods. Here was another advantage of working 
 for a fee ! What audience we had came in punts and 
 boats, which were tied outside until there was quite a 
 fleet. Our audience was what they call small but 
 select, and wonderfully enthusiastic, as is always the 
 case when people have to take trouble to see a per- 
 formance because they want amusement ; they enjoy 
 it as a hungry man enjoys a meal. The events 
 that follow are my warrant for alluding to this even- 
 ing. The fly proprietor and, in a measure, I do not 
 blame him for not thinking that a journey through 
 water with our luggage on the top would improve his 
 vehicle sent us one of his early purchases. In the 
 dark we did not notice it much. When we had gone 
 about a mile through water, rolling about as we 
 scrunched through the wet and yielding gravel of the 
 road, off came the near front wheel, and the coach went 
 over on its side, throwing the coachman over a low 
 hedge into a field, together with the basket containing 
 our recently-admired wardrobe. At that moment the 
 horses began to plunge and kick. 
 
 " Good heavens ! " I exclaimed, " the chap's off the 
 box." We could see this through the front glass. It 
 flashed across me that we were near the Thames, 
 where the straight road leads right into the river, and 
 the road over the river by the bridge turned to the 
 right, an arrangement showing great wisdom. The 
 horses in their plunging were righting the carriage and 
 beginning to bolt. I made a grab at the window 
 strap, when it came off in my hands, as the animals 
 began to drag the carriage forward. The other 
 window strap was as rotten as the first, and we 
 couldn't get the door open. It all happened in a 
 few seconds. The horses were making straight for 
 the river. I felt sure that we should be drowned like 
 rats in a cage, when the horses were suddenly brought 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 to a standstill, and a policeman, who was paddling 
 about in rubber boots, flashed his light, and we knew 
 it was all right. Policemen are sometimes to be found 
 when they are wanted, and, though I did not expect 
 to find a policeman in that country lane up to his 
 knees in water, he possibly, I have thought since, 
 stationed himself where he knew there was most 
 danger to vehicles. We had not too much time to 
 catch our train home, so, despite the moisture, we both 
 got out and cooled our feet. We heard the voice of 
 the half-stunned coachman over the hedge. He pro- 
 mised to take our luggage to the station, so we 
 determined to splash there, which we did, leaving the 
 policeman a little richer and the coachman roundly 
 abusing everybody and everything connected with the 
 livery stable to which he belonged. As we saw the 
 train coming we got on to dry land and did a run for 
 it, caught it, and took our wet feet home, leaving the 
 luggage to follow the next day. 
 
 I made a "Spoffins Sketch"* of an accident that 
 happened to us outside the Bermondsey Institute ; 
 but the real facts are amusing. 
 
 The hall-keeper had put our baskets on a four- 
 wheeler, into which Nellie and I got, when the man 
 wished us good-night, shut the cab door, and entered 
 the building. The cabby, an old man, pulled the 
 horse till it was almost at right angles with the cab, 
 when he attempted to turn, with the result that the 
 horse pulled the top-heavy cab right over. I found 
 my head and shoulders resting on the road in a mass 
 of broken glass, and my sister who, by the way, is 
 not so light as her entertainment sitting on top of me. 
 The cabman took no heed of us, but led his horse 
 
 * A series of humorous tales which ran for a long time in Pick Me 
 p, and are re-appearing in Funny Cuts. 
 
II 8 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 away with the broken shafts, and we never saw him 
 again. The road, though in London, was a very 
 quiet one, and our shouts brought no assistance. 
 The bundle of brass rods, which were done up in a 
 leather and green baize case, lay across my sister, 
 and prevented her getting at the window to open it. 
 A few moments passed, and we heard somebody 
 come along and stop at the cab. It was a convivialist 
 returning home, as Ibsen says, " with vine leaves in 
 his hair." This is what we heard 
 
 "Wha's this? A cab, and no horse! 'Strornary! 
 most 'strornary ! " (hie). 
 
 " Hullo ! open the window ! " (from us inside). 
 
 "Goodness gracious, it's full of people! Alrigh'. 
 Here comes the lifeboat ! " 
 
 The allusion to the lifeboat we found was an 
 allegorical reference to himself, because, as he climbed 
 up on to the side of the cab, he sang a song to the 
 effect that the ship was on fire, and that it was 
 advisable to man the lifeboat. Unfortunately for 
 us, his singing diverted his attention from the locality 
 of the window, through which he put his knee. He 
 smothered us with broken glass, at the same time 
 that he lost his balance and rolled off the cab into 
 the road. By shifting the rods and treading upon me, 
 my sister raised herself, and, putting her head 
 through the broken window, was about to call for 
 help when the hall-keeper came out of the Institute, 
 and, to his amazement, saw the cab he imagined by 
 this time at Waterloo Station lying on its side in the 
 gutter, without horse or driver, and my sister's head 
 looking out through the broken window. We left 
 the overturned cab where it had fallen, and, taking 
 another, caught the last train to Richmond. Our 
 would-be rescuer wished us good-night, saying, " Bu' 
 for me there might have been a mos' ser'us (hie) 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. IIQ 
 
 acts dent," and proceeded to bed in the derelict 
 cab! 
 
 Our experience of Glasgow serves to show how 
 beginners may be taken in. A man wrote to me that 
 he would give us two-thirds of the " gross receipts " if 
 we would perform a;t the Windsor Halls, we to pay 
 for advertising and supply printing. In small places 
 where the advertising is slight these are very good 
 terms, but in a large* city, and for a new hall, to 
 which no one will go, they mean ruin. When we 
 arrived we found that *he man was a baker, who 
 knew nothing of the show business. He had been 
 told that if he engaged D Lynn, and advertised him, 
 he would make a fort- me. He tried it, and lost 
 heavily through the cost of advertising, which fact he 
 had not forgotten when, in his attempt to recuperate 
 himself over my visit, he stipulated that I should bear 
 this expense. On our opening night a vast crowd 
 assembled, who cheered and 'aughed, and left in a 
 state of high delight. When I inquired what the 
 receipts were I was told thai we had taken fifteen 
 shillings ! about as much a^.ve could have got, say, 
 at the Ham schoolroom, two -niles from home. The 
 surging crowd, I was told, vre "complimentaries." 
 Next night, with the highest eu'.ogiums from the Press, 
 we took so little that, after the first piece, I told the 
 audience that they could have their money back, as 
 it was not possible for us to go on. Two Scotch 
 working men got up, and one said that his mate and 
 he had had their money's worth already, and it was 
 a shame that such good work should be so badly 
 patronised. 
 
 I lost about thirty or forty pounds over that trip. 
 We had the heavy "fit-up" then, and, to save 
 expense, my wife and I came back by s teamer from 
 Edinburgh, my sister returning by train. We felt 
 
120 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 pretty miserable with the recollectiori of our losses, 
 which the lonely steamer, with only an officer in 
 charge of a regiment for company, Uid not serve to 
 dissipate. We had such terrific vv'jather that the 
 engines were stopped in the nlgh't and the hatches 
 battened down, while the stearner rode at anchor. 
 My wife, who is scared out of b'Jr life at a mouse, was 
 as calm and collected as I ha\ e ever seen her, though 
 we thought the steamer was > joing under. I have 
 been plenty of voyages, and sien some rough weather, 
 but that winter's night off */ie East Coast was worse 
 than anything I ever reme^nber. As we drove over 
 London Bridge we passed t le officer and detachment, 
 who gave us a salute, whidi was the last we saw of 
 them. 
 
 Mrs German Reed had told me that in the country 
 I should go round and call upon the gentry, and 
 explain what my entertainment was, as, by seeing 
 me, they would have confidence. At Faversham I 
 accordingly hired a r.ice trap, and drove round 
 and called on the residents, with some amusing 
 results. 
 
 At the first house !>}iad hardly attempted to give 
 the man-servant a cardi t before a gentleman came out 
 and shook me cordial!*/ by the hand. I shook hands, 
 but I said, " I don't think you know who I am." " I 
 can make a very shrewd guess," he replied, and 
 insisted upon my having some refreshment. I 
 endeavoured to tell him what I wanted, but he said 
 he would listen to the business part of my visit 
 presently, which he would have done had not the 
 arrival of another visitor, whose card preceded him 
 on a salver, made the gentleman upon whom I had 
 called pause in helping me to wine, and say, " Then 
 who the devil are you ? " I was then allowed to 
 explain, whereupon he burst out laughing, and said, 
 
fcANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 121 
 
 " I thought you were Mr , the hop broker, who 
 
 has just arrived from London." 
 
 I hope this gentleman sold his " pockets " at 
 good rates. He looked very merry when he came 
 to the Town Hall in the evening, so we'll presume 
 he did. 
 
 After that we drove to Earl Sondes' place. I r\ad 
 had enough of it, but my wife urged me on, saying 
 "that he could not eat me." We drove up to the 
 house and I alighted, when a large Newfoundland 
 dog came up, wagging his tail. I patted him on the 
 head, and said, " I am afraid that you are falling into 
 the same mistake as the hop grower." 
 
 A servant opened the door, and I sent in my card. 
 He returned, and said that Lady Mary would see 
 me ; and, as soon as he had said so, an aristocratic 
 and pretty girl entered, and asked me if I came 
 about the entertainment that was to be given, adding, 
 " What's it like ? " I answered her by giving her 
 a programme, which she took to her father. She 
 returned, and said, " Papa will take six seats," when 
 a child burst out of a room into the hall. Coming 
 to me, she said, "Why didn't you bring Irving with 
 you?" and ran away in high glee. Lady Mary said, 
 " Do not mind her ; she's my younger sister." The 
 little one would have made more tender inquiries 
 about my former manager, but she was taken charge 
 of and removed as I took my leave. That the reader 
 may understand the child's query, I should say that 
 on my programme was the letter Sir Henry had 
 written me, which he permitted me to publish. 
 
 Being mistaken for someone else reminds me of 
 a visit I paid to a private asylum at Hawkhurst. 
 When playing at Hastings I was told that they 
 engaged entertainments at Hawkhurst, so I took 
 the train to Ticehurst Road, intending to walk to 
 
122 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. * 
 
 Hawkhurst, a distance of about twelve miles. When 
 I got out at the station I asked a porter to direct me 
 to the asylum. He replied, " There's a carriage come 
 down from the * Establishment,' and nobody have 
 come by this train for it. It be a goodish step, and 
 the carriage be empty, you'd better go in that." 
 Following his advice, I entered the carriage, and 
 was driven to the asylum. I was at once shown into 
 a room, where the doctor hurriedly came to me, and, 
 as far as I recollect, this sort of conversation took 
 place 
 
 " This will be your first engagement here ? " 
 
 " Yes ; but I am not exactly engaged yet. I came 
 with a view to be engaged." 
 
 " Of course you are engaged." 
 
 " But what about terms ? " 
 
 " Did I say nothing about terms ? " 
 
 " No." 
 
 " I said usual terms in my telegram." 
 
 " Telegram ! What telegram ? " 
 
 " Oh, you haven't received my telegram ? " 
 
 "No." 
 
 " No ? Well but if you didn't receive my wire, 
 why did you come ? " 
 
 "To see if I could obtain an engagement here. 
 You see, I have been to Bethlehem, and am known to 
 Dr Savage and Dr Wood " 
 
 "Yes, yes, the credentials you sent are quite 
 satisfactory." 
 
 " Did I send any credentials ? " I wondered if an 
 agent at Tunbridge Wells had forwarded one of my 
 circulars. " I think if I might explain " 
 
 " If you will kindly listen to me I will tell you 
 what I want. It is an old gentleman, not very 
 violent, but still he requires a firm hand." 
 
 I began to feel a bit uneasy. They have put me 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 into the room with one of the patients, I thought. I 
 wondered whether he would be too much for me. 
 
 " What is the matter with you ? " exclaimed the 
 doctor, impatiently. 
 
 " My name is Ganthony, and I want to know if I 
 can give " 
 
 "Ganthony! Are you not Mr Rainby, from St 
 Leonards, the keeper for whom I sent the carriage 
 to meet the ten o'clock train? Good gracious, you 
 will be taking me for one of my patients ! " 
 
 We went to this lovely establishment at Hawkhurst 
 after that whenever in the neighbourhood, and played 
 in the pretty little theatre there. On the occasion 
 of our first performance at Hawkhurst we gave a 
 matinee and an evening performance at a new hall in 
 the village. As Dr Newington kindly mentioned 
 our visit to people about, we had a good attendance 
 in the afternoon, those driving to the entertainment 
 inducing others they met on the road to join them ; 
 so that, just as we began to think that no one would 
 conic, a string of vehicles drove up, and the room was 
 soon comfortably full. The people laughed till an 
 old lady cried, " Please stop. Oh ! do please stop ! ' 
 She could laugh no more. 
 
 In the evening we began to wonder if any of the 
 townspeople would follow the example set by their 
 betters. My sister looked out of the window, and 
 said, " There is nothing there but yellow gravel at 
 present." It was a cold, moonlight night in 
 November, and, as she is near-sighted, she had 
 mistaken the upturned faces outside for the yellow 
 gravel of the road. " I believe those are all faces 
 we see," remarked my wife ; and so it proved. 
 When the doors were opened the money takers and 
 their tables were carried before the crowd along the 
 passage and rammed against the doors of the hall. 
 
124 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 Hawkhurst had never known such a crush. We 
 could not find room for much more than half 
 the people who applied for admission. Circum- 
 stances here, over which we had no control, again 
 favoured us. 
 
 The other hall was under control of one of those 
 men who consider " acting " wicked, while conjuring 
 is God-like, and a magic lantern entertainment on a 
 par with a religious service, in consequence of which 
 the good folk of Hawkhurst had grown weary of the 
 conjuror, and the beauties of the magic lantern had 
 began to pale ; but when the wicked " acting " came 
 to the opposition hall they went for it, and to it. 
 The afternoon carriages driving there had been an 
 advertisement for us, which, together with the fact of 
 our having been at the establishment, clinched the 
 whole matter. 
 
 It may be of interest if a copy of our programme, 
 No. I of the " Evenings from Home," were reprinted 
 here, that the character of the entertainment may be 
 understood 
 
 PART I. 
 "THE LADY HELP.'' 
 
 By ROBERT GANTHONY. 
 
 ARGUMENT. Leonardo Smythe leaves home to avoid meeting 
 Sarah Scrivins, to whom he objects on account of her name. The 
 young lady calls at his lodgings, captivates him, and overcomes his 
 objections by offering to change her name to that of Smythe. The 
 sketch introduces the following impersonations and song, Bragas 
 Screnata, with violin obbligato : 
 
 , f The Irascible and Mili-^ 
 
 MAJOR b MY THE - , p,, r - n t 
 
 " -- 
 
 SARAH SCRIVINS - The Lady Help - Miss N. GANTHONY. 
 The House 
 
 MRsO'FLYNN - MR R. GANTHONY. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 12$ 
 
 PART II. 
 "ON BOARD THE REVERIE." 
 
 By ROBERT GANTHONY. 
 
 ARGUMENT. To avoid undertaking the part of Romeo in some 
 private theatricals in which his cousin is anxious to play Juliet, Frank 
 impersonates a number of characters who in various ways ridicule the 
 play. Kate discovers his plot, and outwits him This sketch is 
 enacted in the cabin of the yacht Reverie, and introduces the following 
 impersonations and music : 
 
 FRANK MERRIVAIL - Owner of the Reverie^ 
 PETER .... An Old Salt 
 
 Song "The Mighty Deep." 
 COUNT COMTITURE - A French Nobleman '- MK R. GANTHONY. 
 
 Flute Solo or Song " Ma Normandie." 
 COLONEL HOWARD - - - From Utah 
 
 Song " Nancy Till " and Banjo Selections, i 
 KATY MKRRIVAIL - Frank's Cousin^ 
 
 Songs "Autumn Violets" and "Lingering 
 
 " 
 
 Fancies. ' 
 
 Miss N. GANTHONY. 
 
 NGELINA PRIM - Katy's Governess 
 Song " Love was once a Little Boy." 
 
 The press criticisms we had were usually very 
 complimentary, but when they were not, there was 
 generally some other reason than slipshod work on 
 our part which brought us a slating. A Carshalton 
 paper gave us a curiously sneering notice, which 
 turned out to have been written by the man Lefroy, 
 who murdered a gentleman in a railway carriage 
 the day after visiting our entertainment. He was 
 described as on a Carshalton paper, so I looked 
 over the tickets and found his card among them. 
 A man with his head filled with murder, I claim, 
 is not in a fit state to criticise a light entertain- 
 ment. 
 
 The second adverse criticism was at Croydon, where 
 the editor of one of the papers, having got the worst 
 of a political contest with a friend who took us down 
 there, had his revenge on him by insulting us in an 
 offensive and badly-written criticism. 
 
 My friend at Croydon found that it was not so easy 
 
126 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. . 
 
 to get his acquaintances to flock to see a new enter- 
 tainment. They didn't know what it was, and were 
 afraid of being let in for a dreary evening. We had 
 the best seats fairly well filled, but those at the back 
 were almost empty. In a room adjoining, my friend 
 discovered a prayer meeting in full progress. His 
 mouth watered as he looked at all this material for 
 manufacturing a back seat audience. When we 
 reached our second piece the prayer meeting had come 
 to an end, and, at the suggestion of my friend, it 
 streamed in through a side door into our vacant back 
 seats. What a difference an audience makes to a 
 performance ! As soon as the prayer meeting settled 
 down the entertainment went with a roar. 
 
 While at Hastings we stayed at Lucknow House, 
 which is just opposite the " Music Hall," where the 
 German Reeds were playing a pretty little piece by 
 Arthur Law, called " Cherry Tree Farm." My wife 
 and I were at the open window of our sitting-room 
 when the footlights of the stage opposite were lighted, 
 which we could see, as the blinds of the hall were not 
 down. Wondering why they should be lighted so 
 early, curiosity made us keep an eye upon the hall. 
 We did not wait long for an explanation, for Fanny 
 Holland entered left upper entrance with no dress on 
 her shoulders, and a pair of curling tongs in her 
 hand, followed by Edith Brandon from the opposite 
 side, also in her stays and petticoat, and armed with 
 a pair of curlings tongs. They both came down to 
 the footlights and conversed as they heated their 
 irons at the gas and applied them to their heads. 
 One lady is now Mrs Arthur Law, the other is the 
 Countess of Barchester, and I have kept to the same 
 old name since I started. 
 
 I must not forget before we get away from Croydon 
 to mention my meeting a gentleman there who intro- 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. I2J 
 
 himself to me at the hall the morning after the 
 entertainment. He could hardly speak on account of 
 a stutter that monopolised nearly all his conversation. 
 When he did make himself coherent he informed 
 me that he also was an entertainer. This was so 
 startling that I had to find out whether the man was 
 joking ; but his programme, with his portrait on it 
 which he brought from his pocket put his statement 
 beyond doubt. 
 
 " Y-y-y-you m-m-m-ay have n-no-no-no-no-ticed 
 th-th-th-that I have a sl-sl-sl-sl-slight imp-imp-imp- 
 imp-impedimcnt in my sp-sp-sp-speech." 
 
 Of course I replied that I had not observed it. 
 
 " W-w-w-well t-t-t-that all leaves me when I per- 
 per-per-per-perform." 
 
 I heard of this gentleman's visit to the Faversham 
 Institute, where he was engaged to give his " show." 
 A few members of the committee went down to the 
 hall to offer him a welcome ; and their surprise when 
 he opened his mouth may be imagined. They looked 
 at one another, and to make sure said 
 
 " Are you the gentleman who is to entertain here 
 to-night ? " 
 
 " Y-y-y-y-yes ; I be-be-be-be-believe t-t-t-t-that I 
 am to have the hon-hon-hon-hon-hon-honour." 
 
 In a great state of alarm the committee left him 
 and called upon all the available talent in Faversham 
 lady vocalists, the curate, and a zither solo from the 
 newly-established German barber, etc., who all came 
 in the evening to throw themselves into the breach. 
 But there was no breach in which to throw themselves. 
 
 The entertainer came on and carried through his 
 programme with a perfectly fluent delivery, as the 
 committee sat in a state of fury at the way they 
 imagined they had been made game of, which, as 
 soon as the affair was over, they determined to have 
 
128 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 set right. No sooner had the entertainer retired for 
 the night than the naturally exasperated committee, 
 thirsting for his gore, rushed behind, filling the air 
 with threats. 
 
 " I-I-I-I th-th-th-think I ge-ge-ge-ge-ge " 
 
 " Stop it," roared the incensed secretary. " You 
 may think it a good joke, but we are a bit sick of it. 
 What do you mean by making fools of us all ? " 
 
 " You me-me-me " 
 
 " Stop it," roared the committee. 
 
 It was long into the night before the entertainer 
 could explain that he never stuttered on the stage 
 when he had committed the words to memory. And 
 this was remarkable, but perfectly true, as if he forgot 
 anything and had to ask for it at the wings, he would 
 stutter terribly. 
 
 In reply to a Jew entrepreneur named Garcia, of 
 Manchester, I wrote explaining that our entertain- 
 ment was of the nature of a drawing-room one, and 
 that it was only suited to a medium-sized hall, which 
 I mentioned always to prevent anyone engaging us 
 under a false impression. 
 
 On arrival at Manchester, we found the place 
 covered with my picture posters, which he had 
 ordered from my printers, and, to our disgust, that we 
 formed part of an enormous variety entertainment at 
 of all places in the world the large Free Trade Hall. 
 
 Directly I saw Mr Garcia I remonstrated with him, 
 but he said " Do as little as you can," and ordered 
 his men to put up my " fit-up." We were first the 
 worst turn and I was not allowed to take away my 
 " fit-up " till his long programme had been gone 
 through with. 
 
 He had only got me for my posters, Sir Henry 
 Irving's letter, and my "fit-up." I not only had a 
 difficulty in getting any money from him, but he 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 1 29 
 
 wrote a scandalous letter to Irving complaining of 
 my entertainment, to which Sir Henry wrote in reply, 
 that, after hearing the facts of the case, his sym- 
 pathies were with me. I heard of Garcia's death 
 later in a pauper lunatic asylum. 
 
 When giving our entertainment at Rickmansworth 
 I called upon Lady Catherine Coke. The servant was 
 a little severe, but she told him to ask me in directly 
 she received my card. A picture of Henry le Jeune, 
 A.R.A., caught my eye as I entered. Lady Coke 
 observing this, asked me if I recognised it? I replied 
 that I knew whose work it was, as I often went 
 sketching with the artist. She told me that Mr W. S. 
 Gilbert was staying at her house with Mrs Gilbert, 
 and that she would try and induce them to go to my 
 entertainment. 
 
 At the hall we had a good audience, including 
 W. S. Gilbert, Lady Coke, and party. 
 
 I called on one schoolmaster who received me 
 with " I suppose you think your entertainment 
 better than anyone else's ? " So I cut our interview 
 very short, and as I heard that he was hated in the 
 village I was back in his place in an hour as an old 
 military gentleman who had a son to educate. I kept 
 the man, who was now as obsequious as he was 
 previously insulting, from his dinner while he 
 answered all sorts of questions about school terms, 
 food, etc. Hearing that Lady Coke was going to our 
 entertainment he went also, and found the military 
 gentleman who had called upon him on the stage 
 under the name I had sent in, viz., " Major Smythe." 
 
 A dog and monkey circus followed us at the 
 Winter Gardens, Bournemouth. On our way to the 
 beach on Sunday, we called in at the gardens to see 
 if our things were all right. While drinking a glass 
 of water, I saw the monkeys all holding out their 
 
 I 
 
130 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 hands for some, their eyes blinking as they travelled 
 from mine to the water. It took my wife and sister 
 about an hour before we had completely satisfied the 
 thirst of those poor creatures. 
 
 A vicar once engaged us to go to a remote village 
 in Gloucestershire, and I am sorry that I have mis- 
 laid the bill which announced our coming. It stated 
 that "Professor Gaurthorny and another would give a 
 performance of two persons on two large tables so 
 that all could see in the School Room. Tickets at 
 Bowl's. To begin at 7.30." 
 
 We actual!y gave our entertainment on two tables 
 and had supper at the vicarage, but as to what 
 happened fcfter the hospitality of that jovial vicar 
 that evening my memory retains no trace. 
 
 The numerous applications we received to return 
 when we had anything new to those who had 
 engaged us, demonstrated to me the fact that by 
 writing fresh plays I could not only keep, but 
 increase, our connection, and be able to rely with 
 certainty on an income with which to meet my 
 liabilities and give up the speculating, to which I 
 was as unsuited as was our entertainment. 
 
 My difficulty was to continually write for only two 
 characters, the opportunities for plot being naturally 
 restricted; so when my brother Richard returned 
 from America he joined me, and, with two of us 
 doubling parts, I obtained increased opportunity for 
 effect. 
 
 In 1886-7 we had six different programmes per- 
 fected, containing a dozen little plays with about 
 fifty different impersonations. Each play had a 
 different set of costumes and properties, and we had 
 e'aborate lists of every article we required. These 
 were all checked off into the baskets according to 
 the particular "Evening" we had to give. But for 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 131 
 
 some such arrangement we should have had endless 
 confusion. 
 
 We would return in the morning after giving No. i 
 Evening, empty, repack, and give, say, No. 5 at 
 night. 
 
 When I had six evenings perfected I supposed 
 that I could begin again on the old stuff, but another 
 change took place which upset all my plans. 
 
 The institutes, for reasons already explained, 
 ceased to draw, and with the opportunity of making 
 an income from that source, ceased also our " Even- 
 ings from Home." * 
 
 ZTbe Distort of "pfcfe d&e "dp." 
 
 HOW I BECAME A CONTRIBUTOR. 
 
 MARION, SPIELMAN the now well-known writer on 
 Art I look upon as my literary godfather. He 
 always advised me to write, and when Malcolm 
 Salamon, on behalf of Lever Bros. the soap people 
 brought out a paper called Sunlight, he invited me, 
 at my friend's suggestion, to contribute a story. 
 Writing a dramatic sketch, which is all dialogue and 
 stage direction, would have been an easy matter, but 
 a story is a very different thing and seemed to me an 
 awful undertaking. 
 
 A " P. and O." captain was staying with us on a 
 visit ; also a young lady ; also a fox terrier. The dog 
 whined so much in the night, that the captain went 
 down to it, as did also the young lady she in a pretty 
 dressing-gown, he in a suit of Chinese - looking 
 pyjamas. 
 
 They met at the tool-shed, let out the dog, and, 
 so that it might have a prolonged scamper over 
 
132 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS, 
 
 my carefully-raked beds, they chatted half through 
 that hot summer night under the spreading codlin 
 tree which ornamented our lawn. 
 
 " Here is material for a Sunlight story ! " I ex- 
 claimed next morning when I heard of it, and by 
 supper time my first literary effort was finished. It 
 was then forwarded to Sunlight and accepted. I 
 next sent in a humorous sketch " Defying the 
 Lightning" which was declined. Then I reverted 
 to sentiment, and wrote another " story," when Sun- 
 light abruptly and unceremoniously terminated its 
 career. 
 
 In reply to an advertisement for " short stories," I 
 forwarded mine, which the advertiser appeared to like, 
 as he kept it, together with the stamps I had been 
 asked to enclose for its return. 
 
 When my wife drew my attention to another 
 advertisement this time for " humorous articles " I 
 felt that my enthusiasm for literature was waning ; 
 but as she enjoined me to send "Defying the 
 Lightning," which, as she cogently remarked, " was 
 doing no good in my drawer," I consented on condi- 
 tion that no stamps were to be forwarded for its 
 return. 
 
 When I had forgotten all about the matter, a letter 
 came in a foreign hand, saying that " ' Defying the 
 Lightning ' would suit," " had I any more ? " and 
 *< could I call in reference to becoming a contributor?" 
 " Contributor " sounded all right, so I took the train 
 to town and called at the address given. 
 
 Having an idea that newspapers were only hatched 
 in the neighbourhood of Fleet Street, I was a little 
 surprised to find that my prospective editor had his 
 journalistic incubator off Gower Street. I found it 
 with an elaborate title in white paint in German. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 133 
 
 On the door was something about " Geschaft " and 
 "Lehrer," all as comprehensible to me as are the 
 Dutch notices outside a Johannesburg Post Office 
 to a newly-arrived emigrant from the wilds of 
 Coupar-Angus. 
 
 A man who follows a chequered career is always 
 learning something. It was now my privilege to be 
 initiated into the mysteries of journalism. On enter- 
 ing, I awoke a meek little man who was sleeping 
 peacefully on a sheet of blotting paper on the table 
 in front of him. 
 
 " Vas vollen zie, mein Herr?" he inquired, which 
 remark caused me to think that he might be a 
 foreigner. 
 
 " I fancy I have come to the wrong shop," I replied. 
 "Is that this? " and I showed him my letter of appoint- 
 ment. After examining it, he muttered something 
 which sounded like " ganz recht " and disappeared 
 into a cupboard. 
 
 His disappearance was followed by the sound of a 
 precipitate arrangement of furniture and closing of 
 drawers in an adjoining apartment, which I know 
 now to have been the hasty secretion of the carefully 
 guarded and embryotic Pick Me Up. 
 
 When the sounds ceased a German gentleman, 
 highly spectacled, burst out of the cupboard and 
 rushed to greet me, and with an excessively 
 exuberant and boisterous gesture drew me into what 
 was a passage in disguise ; in a moment I found 
 myself once more in Gower Street, having turned 
 the corner inside the building. 
 
 The apartment in which I now recovered from 
 my surprise was a sort of miniature board-room, 
 manufactured from what was a drawing-room in 
 the days when the house was residential and not 
 business-like. 
 
134 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 With a wealth of welcome, which created in me 
 an instinctive feeling of distrust, my prospective 
 employer waived me to a chair, patted me on the 
 back when I sat down, and became so affectionately 
 demonstrative that I feared every moment he was 
 going to kiss me. As I had heard of foreigners 
 doing such things, I kept myself ready to resist an 
 osculatory attack. When absolute strangers are so 
 overpoweringly familiar and friendly before they 
 know you, their friendship, when they do, is not 
 always to be trusted " so let it be with Caesar." 
 
 " What has the notice on your door in German to 
 do with English journalism ? " I asked. 
 
 " Nothing," was the answer. After which I learned 
 that my German acquaintance was the head of a 
 society for looking after newly-arrived Teutons who 
 came over to learn our language and teach their own. 
 This society also acted as agents, supplying schools 
 with teachers at wholesale prices as soon as they 
 were ready and situations offered. To this informa- 
 tion he added, with a significant smile, "when 
 anything comes really worth having, I take it myself." 
 
 " As a conjuror does engagements when he 
 manages a firm's entertainment burea." 
 
 " Does he ? " 
 
 " Yes," I replied ; " human nature is much the same 
 in Bond Street as in Gower Street." 
 
 He then told me that he had invented and brought 
 out an instructive game for children I think on the 
 subject of our recent reigning monarchs, with whom a 
 German would naturally have some acquaintance. 
 I knew nothing about journalism, as I have said, and 
 accepted the fact of his bringing out this kinder- 
 garten pastime as being a sufficiently severe test of 
 his capacity to start a comic paper. 
 
 I wish I could here reproduce the original heading, 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 135 
 
 a few illustrations, and a page of matter as I saw 
 it when it was brought with much caution from a 
 drawer and laid before me on the green cloth of that 
 table in Gower Street. It was about as unpromising 
 a sheet as could be well imagined. But there were 
 other elements, not in the paper, but in the broad- 
 browed, spectacled German before me, which I 
 thought would make the success of almost anything 
 he undertook had he, like W. S. Gilbert's hero, 
 been " born an Englishman," and imbued with good, 
 paying -in -the -end, John Bull straightforwardness, 
 instead of so much continental diplomacy. The 
 starting and success of Pick Me Up go to prove 
 what can be done by pluck and unceasing persever- 
 ance even in these days of journalistic competition, 
 when new papers are published every week day, I 
 might say. Failure might easily have been the 
 fate of Pick Me Up; and I may say, without 
 much fear of contradiction, that if I had not gone 
 to that office in Gower Street, and given my 
 time and influence to it, the paper would not have 
 been in existence to-day. If ever I go in for 
 starting a paper again I shall have a contract in 
 black and \\ hite, stamped at Somerset House, before 
 I let my enthusiasm run away with me and work as 
 I did for promises, which, when success came, I coukl 
 not enforce. 
 
 However, to return to the room in Gower 
 Street. The heading of the first Pick Me Up 
 represented two over-fed Cupids, obviously " made 
 in Germany," holding up a scroll, more sugges- 
 tive of rolled dough than paper, to which they 
 pointed, inviting the spectator to regard the name 
 Pick Me Up printed thereon. The humorous 
 matter was childish and chestnutty, as I daresay 
 mine would be if I made a collection of jokes in 
 
136 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 Germany. Max O'Rell has proved how an un- 
 travelled foreigner can pick up crusted wheezes of 
 all nationalities, and imagine them indigenous to the 
 country in which he happens to have sought for "copy." 
 
 Having shown me, as it were, how not to do it, 
 he next produced a copy of Fliegendeblatter, which 
 was to be our source of inspiration. I hadn't been 
 for years amusing the public without becoming a 
 little in touch with what it wanted, and knowing 
 what it considered funny and entertaining. I looked 
 upon the production of a paper as I would the 
 production of a play or an entertainment, and I 
 criticised and judged it from that standpoint. 
 
 We had a "backer," of course, for teaching 
 German, like entertaining, is not a means of amassing 
 superfluous wealth. Our " backer," wiser than either 
 of us, made his money out of religion, supplying the 
 devout with ecclesiastical ornaments brass candle- 
 sticks, lecterns, stained glass windows,, or other 
 articles which are considered consistent with the 
 simplicity of true Christianity. 
 
 It was about two years after my first visit to Gower 
 Street that Pick Me Up was published, so we did not 
 submit the first number to the public without giving 
 it due consideration. 
 
 The name was objected to because it was that of a 
 drink! but I said, " So is Punch" The name had this 
 advantage it was difficult to imitate. I advocated 
 no politics ', as a political paper, I thought, might limit 
 its subscribers to those who shared its views. This 
 was agreed to, but my suggestion that we should 
 have theatrical criticisms was tabooed, and yet in the 
 hands of " Jingle " they remain a feature. I argued 
 strongly for " process " work, but, with the exception 
 of a single " Meissenbach " weekly, we had none till 
 1889. Our motto \vzs give the public the best the best 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 137 
 
 artists, writers, paper, best everything, and in this we 
 acted on true business principles. 
 
 When I wrote " Spoffins and his Clock," it was 
 suggested that I should write a series of " Spoffins 
 Sketches." I said that I could not think of any more 
 subjects, but I found that I had underrated my 
 powers of invention, for I wrote sixty right off. My 
 pay was to come when the paper succeeded. The 
 sketches were republished in book form. 
 
 At the end of the year, when the paper caught 
 on, our director grew what the lower classes call 
 " 'aughty," wanting people to take off their boots 
 before they entered his presence, as though he were a 
 Turkish bath ; but Pick Me Up has yet to be started, 
 so to that period I will briefly revert. 
 
 Offices were taken in Southampton Street where 
 Tit Bits has risen phcenix-like and as there was 
 nothing in it that would grow stale, we printed the 
 two first numbers at once, in order to be quite free to 
 sell the copies when the rush came. 
 
 On the day of publication an army of ragamuffins 
 besieged our doors for " starters," i.e., free copies, with 
 which they informed us it was the custom of the trade 
 to supply them, and on these profitable terms they 
 proposed to dispose of our first number. 
 
 Rid of the rabble, a calm fell upon us ; there was 
 no rush, and though Pick Me Up was published no one 
 came to buy it, and the people went up and down the 
 Strand as though nothing had happened. One man 
 certainly rushed in, took a copy, asked if it contained 
 a pattern this week, and left ; but he returned for his 
 penny later on, said he thought we were Weldon's. 
 No advertisements, no wall posters, no puffs pre- 
 liminary heralded the paper's existence, and, as a 
 natural consequence, no one knew anything about it. 
 
 Sick of the solitude of the office we went outside 
 
138 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 and watched a man trying to sell some, but no one 
 would look at them. 
 
 " Dey moost py dem," muttered the director, " only 
 a penny ! " 
 
 "I don't believe they would take them if you 
 offered them for nothing." 
 
 We tried this, but nearly everyone refused them 
 when offered, so we returned to Southampton Street. 
 When we arrived there the climax was too much for 
 the director after what he had gone through, and he 
 broke down and lay on the sofa. I pitied him, for I 
 don't like to see a man crushed who had made a 
 good fight, but, as my pity did him no good, I sat 
 down beside him to see what could be done. 
 
 "The wholesalers," he murmured, as gently as 
 Richelieu asked for " absolute power." 
 
 It was now noon, and, as there was no time to be 
 lost, I filled a four-wheeler with copies of the first 
 number and drove round to the wholesale houses, at 
 which I was not received with open arms. They 
 were not even interested in the paper which had 
 taken us so much time and thought to create, but I 
 had called to get them to take those copies and I 
 didn't leave till they did. 
 
 " There are too many papers already," remarked 
 the first wholesaler. 
 
 " Some people think there are too many cats," I 
 replied, "and yet you have a cat on your counter 
 where one of our papers would be just as appropriate 
 an ornament." I laid a copy down as I said so, 
 when the cat purred, walked across, and sat upon it. 
 "You see the cat says there is room enough for 
 both." This amused the man, and he leisurely 
 looked over the paper saying, when he had done so, 
 " I'll take so many quires on sale or return." I didn't 
 know what he meant, but I relieved the cab of as 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 1 39 
 
 many as he would take, patted the cat on the head 
 as Dick Whittington did his after the rat incident 
 and drove off to the other wholesalers whose 
 addresses he had kindly given me. 
 
 When I returned in that empty cab I felt that 
 Pick Me Up was not only published but started. It 
 wasn't a great start which I had given it, but it 
 saved the situation. 
 
 "Why doesn't your friend the 'backer' come?" 
 I asked. 
 
 " He has heard it is not a success or he would 
 be here," he answered of course, this was only a 
 friendship made in Germany. 
 
 What a time of anxiety it was with Pick Me Up 
 " in the beginning," and how eagerly we waited to 
 discover if the week immediately passed was better 
 than its predecessors as regards circulation. How we 
 hated the boy who brought back the " returns " the 
 papers which the shops could not sell and banged 
 them, as it appeared to us with a certain sense of 
 triumph, on our counter. 
 
 It was amusing to note how accurately our success 
 was gauged by the class of contributor who came and 
 offered his services. Early in our career we had a 
 visit from a French countess with an American 
 accent the lady who offered to write W. S. Gilbert's 
 obituary for nothing a lady who combined the 
 concoction of lyrics with laudatory descriptions of 
 London hotels in the American newspapers and 
 concert singing. I heard of her again in South 
 Africa, which she had visited before me as a 
 vocalist and litteratettse; she had given the jeunesse 
 juif doree fits in a novel she had written about 
 Johannesburg, which they seemed to think an awful 
 lark. 
 
 We had all the writers calling upon us at first 
 
140 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 whom no other paper would employ, and all the 
 artists whose illustrations no other editor would 
 accept, until as we advanced the best names were 
 included among our contributors. 
 
 For a few weeks we wondered whether Smith 
 would take any and put them on his bookstalls. 
 One day Smith sent in for some, and there were great 
 rejoicings in consequence. Others increased their 
 orders, but the expenses remained greater than the 
 profits, our backer was homoeopathic in his assistance, 
 and the fight became one of finance. 
 
 The first and second numbers remained in the 
 office a monument to our miscalculation. Everybody 
 in the trade seemed always to smile at the pile we had 
 made, till these " back numbers " gave ue the hump, 
 and we bequeathed them to butchers, bakers, or any- 
 one who would have them, with the result that they 
 had to be reprinted at great expense. 
 
 I remember one man telling us that we must not 
 send out first specimen copies without cutting off the 
 ends to prevent the shopkeeper selling them. We 
 did so with great labour, and only insulted the trade 
 in consequence. If they had sold them, what of it ? 
 It would have been the best advertisement we could 
 have had. 
 
 Then we got behind with our payments at the 
 printers', and how they stormed ! Ye gods, how they 
 stormed at the director ! But he got the best of them, 
 for they soon had no alternative but to go on printing 
 the paper or lose what was owing them by it. 
 
 I offered Willing Pick Me Ufis advertisements, as 
 he always attended to any order which I gave him, 
 for which I paid when he sent in his monthly account. 
 He was very nice, but he said, " A new paper, Mr 
 Ganthony ; but, of course, if you like to guarantee 
 the account " This lack of confidence in a new 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS, 141 
 
 paper, in my then enthusiastic state, surprised me 
 more than it would now. I mentioned the matter at 
 the " Savage," and my friends said, " Willing is quite 
 right ; the paper will never succeed." This was the 
 opinion held of Pick Me Up in those days, when we 
 skated as near the brink of bankruptcy as was 
 possible without liquidation. 
 
 "In the beginning" I designed the headpieces, 
 drew comic sketches not those hideous things which 
 disfigured the first numbers. They were purchased 
 before I came upon the scene, or the money wouldn't 
 have been wasted. I made comic "copy" of our 
 troubles at the office, at which I at first assisted, so 
 that I can claim that I have done everything in 
 publishing a paper but receive an adequate monetary 
 reward for my labours. 
 
 The quality of our talent improved with our 
 circulation. Leslie Wilson joined us. Goldsworthy 
 gave up offering us verses, and did the dramatic 
 criticisms. I was recalled to the fold after a period 
 of entertaining, and wrote extra Spofnns Sketches 
 " Baby's Diary," " Playing the Fool," " Essays on 
 Everything," etc. when the paper went right away 
 into public favour, and we saw our way out of the 
 wood. 
 
 An advertising agent bought the two pages for a 
 weekly sum, which, as Fred Bowyer's song says, 
 " was a little bit of sugar for the bird." 
 
 The cigarettes, Pick Me Up puzzle, tea, etc. etc., 
 all gave evidence of the ideas and schemes of which 
 our director was the possessor ; but his last idea of 
 writing a play because he had been bitten by a 
 dog shows that a profusion of ideas is not always 
 accompanied by the exhibition of common sense. 
 
 If the director who knew nothing of dramatic art, 
 who had never contributed a line to his paper had 
 
142 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 consulted me I could have told him whether there 
 was anything in his idea or not ; but, instead, he 
 collaborated with his theatrical critic. But dramatic 
 creation and criticism are different things. He 
 diverted his mind from his paper for over a year, 
 produced a very poor play, and involved Pick Me Up 
 in a law suit. 
 
 " I veal it here," he would say, referring to the 
 play, and indicating the locality of the sensation by 
 striking his breathing pump. 
 
 " You will feel it here later," I replied, touching his 
 pocket, and so it proved. 
 
 The play was sent to the London managers, 
 and, coming from the head of a successful paper, it 
 received attention. It remained some time at the 
 Strand Theatre, which, after its arrival, announced a 
 new comedy, called " A Lucky Dog." This fact, and 
 certain resemblances to his play, caused the director 
 to give a hurried copyright performance at the 
 Ladbroke Hall, which was duly and favourably 
 criticised by his collaborates in the pages of Pick Me 
 Up) a sketch being given of the director playing in 
 his own farce. When the " Lucky Dog " appeared 
 the director seemed to recognise the animal as his, 
 and promptly accused the Strand people of dog 
 stealing, with the result that they brought an action 
 against him and got damages, which led to the 
 director losing the paper I had assisted him to 
 establish. At a recent date I believe Mr Ross 
 and Mr Moor held the option of Pick Me Up, 
 which they transferred to Messrs Ingram Bros. 
 They made several thousand pounds over the trans- 
 action, while those who had slaved and endured 
 so much to establish the paper got next to 
 nothing. 
 
 I remember reading something a long time ago 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 143 
 
 in Virgil beginning, Sic vos non vobis, in which he 
 alludes to the bees making honey, but not for them- 
 selves. I wonder if Virgil ever had a hand in starting 
 an illustrated comic paper ? 
 
 jfasbions in Entertainments. 
 
 PEOPLE do not understand that there is as much 
 fashion in amusements as in bonnets, and what the 
 public will support at one period they will not at 
 another. And so I am constantly asked why I 
 do not give public performances as Albert Smith, 
 Woodin, Maccabe did. It appears to me, therefore, 
 not out of place here to devote a few lines to the 
 change in entertainments during the past half- 
 century. 
 
 In 1832 Mathews the elder gave his thirteenth 
 annual entertainment at the Adelphi Theatre, and 
 not only filled it, but with no one to assist him kept 
 the audience amused for three hours! This would be 
 impossible for one man to do now at any London 
 theatre ; and although I can form no idea of Mr 
 Mathews' entertaining powers, his matter which I 
 have before me a modern audience would not listen 
 to, not merely because it is out of date, but because 
 it is badly written. This is a specimen of the versifi- 
 cation which breaks up heavy columns of talk : 
 
 " Take care and don't be penny wise 
 And pound foolish ; open your eyes, 
 And with your money don't you part 
 But for its worth in the auction mart." 
 
 Sir Walter Besant said to me once, " There is a 
 good deal of slipshod work in some of the old 
 writers." And I am inclined to think that in the 
 
144 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS, 
 
 days of no competition entertainers were also prone 
 to take it easily. 
 
 The published books give about a couple of dozen 
 pages of the cream of Mathews' entertainment. 
 From these I made a short selection, which, though I 
 had special music written, and gave it at Charter 
 House School to an indulgent audience, with whom 
 I was an old favourite, I could not make a success 
 of it. 
 
 Woodin, whose " Carpet Bag and Sketch Book " 
 was well known, nursed me on his knee when I was 
 a youngster, and I remember now, as though it were 
 yesterday, his bowing to my mother when he came 
 on to the platform, which is more than I ever did 
 when I saw her in the audience. He felt the change 
 of fashion before he retired, for he wrote and advised 
 me to stick to the stage. 
 
 Woodin, I think, was about the last who ducked 
 down under a table and put on wigs. Maccabe 
 followed, and made a complete change in the manner 
 which is now being introduced on the halls as a 
 " novelty." 
 
 In "Evenings from Home" I went again further 
 than Maccabe, and instead of saying, " I shall next 
 be So-and-So," I introduced my impersonations in the 
 sequence of dramatic effect and the evolution of a 
 story, and, having my sister with me, substituted 
 character-acting for mere impersonation, plus the in- 
 troduction of vocal and instrumental music. This 
 paid at first, even when touring round the country, 
 but the wave of change soon overtook and swamped 
 us. Then the Institutes came to the rescue, and we 
 worked for fees until they knocked under. And the 
 ship which I had built with such care, launched, and 
 floated, foundered and supported us no more. 
 
 Grossmith and Chevalier made touring pay through 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 145 
 
 the exceptional circumstances which brought them 
 so prominently before the public in one case the 
 boom of the music halls, and the other the success of 
 the Savoy comic operas, of which their clever work 
 and management enabled them to take advantage. 
 But the fact that neither now finds it profitable to 
 tour confirms what I advance that as a continuous 
 business the touring of small entertainments is at an 
 end. 
 
 Samuel Brandram was the first to recite entire 
 plays from memory. His first essays weje at the 
 Parochial Schools, Richmond, en amateur \ where my 
 sisters, Edith and Marian, sang Locke's music, which 
 gained them the sobriquet of " Brandram's witches," 
 when he recited " Macbeth." They also sang " Where 
 the bee sucks," " Full fathoms deep," etc., to his 
 " Tempest." In this musical assistance Arthur Cecil 
 Blount, of Mortlake (Arthur Cecil), took part just be- 
 fore he adopted the stage as a profession, and followed 
 John Parry in the German Reeds' entertainment. 
 
 The lack of interest felt in dumb show plays to 
 which I refer under "Music Halls" is another 
 illustration of how fashion affects entertainments. 
 
 Dow 3 JBecamc a JBoofe Writer. 
 
 THE " chicken fever " is a difficult disease to eradicate 
 from the system, and I was not wholly cured even 
 after I had returned to England and become an actor 
 and comic journalist. The money paid for eggs and 
 poultry to France brought on the fever again, with 
 the result that I wrote a book on the artificial rearing 
 and incubation of poultry. With this work in my 
 pocket I was wandering about the Strand looking for 
 a publisher, when I met Sachs, of the Field, just 
 
 K 
 
146 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 opposite the offices of the Exchange and Mart. Here 
 was the very man to consult, and I did so. 
 
 " Take it in there," he said, with a movement of his 
 elbow towards 170 Strand, and hurried off to deliver 
 himself of his account of the last football match. I 
 followed his advice, with the result that Mr Upcot 
 Gill declined my poultry book, but gave me a 
 commission to write " Charitable Entertainments, and 
 how to Work them with Success and Profit," which 
 was so successful that he subsequently published 
 "Practical Ventriloquism." When I took him the 
 MS. of this to read he looked at a page or so, and 
 said, " I'll publish it." 
 
 " But you haven't read it ! " I exclaimed. 
 
 " I know," he said, " that when a man opens a book 
 like that it is all right." 
 
 The critics who gave the book such unqualified 
 praise judged it as the publisher did, for they 
 could not gauge the technical accuracy of what 
 I had formulated by experience, because acquiring 
 ventriloquism by use of a scientific thesis was 
 unprecedented. 
 
 I remember the Satiirday Review gave it a column 
 and a half, and this, or some other leading paper, 
 alluded to it as being the most interesting book on 
 the subject since the time of " Valentine Vox." 
 
 Discovering that amateurs wanted to amuse their 
 friends as ventriloquists, conjurors, etc., but did not 
 care to take the trouble to acquire these arts seriously, 
 I wrote a number of travesties, in which, by the 
 assistance of confederates, ventriloquism, second 
 sight, thought reading, etc., could be given for the 
 trouble of committing a page or two of matter to 
 memory and rehearsing it, the broad fun of which 
 compensated for the real thing. This book Mr Gill 
 published under the title of "Bunkum Entertainments." 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 147 
 
 The republication of Spoffins, which was to pay me 
 for my fealty to Pick Me Up, was discontinued, as the 
 first book was found to interfere with the sale of the 
 bound volumes of the paper, in which I had no 
 interest. When I asked for my share of the profits 
 on the first volume, I was told that there were no 
 profits, which meant tJiat there were no profits for me. 
 
 Dow 3 JSecame a Sona Writer. 
 
 WITH my first comic song about the Parcels Post 
 which was just then established I called upon 
 Metzlers, in Marlborough Street. They said they 
 could do nothing with a comic song, but if I had a 
 sentimental song they might. 
 
 " I have a sentimental song," I replied, airily, 
 though I hadn't. 
 
 " What is the name of it ? " 
 
 The name? This was a poser, but I took the 
 first that came into my head, and said, " Lingering 
 Fancies." 
 
 " If the song is as good as the title we'll take it. 
 Bring it in to-morrow." 
 
 I wrote the first verse in the train going home to 
 Richmond, then cycled over to Kingston to a musical 
 friend,* who set the first verse to music while I wrote 
 the second and third, when I pedalled back home 
 with the completed song in my pocket. Next day it 
 was accepted, and so much approved of that it was 
 published in three keys. 
 
 Our payment was to be by royalty, or a share of 
 the profits, I forget which ; but this I do remember 
 
 * The late Frederick Rivenhall. 
 
148 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 that we never received a farthing, which in the after- 
 light of retrospect does not seem to be the treatment 
 a wealthy firm should accord struggling talent. 
 
 The next song bore the ungrammatical title " Thee," 
 because "To Thee," "Of Thee," etc., were appropriated. 
 This we sent to Mr Santley, who replied that when a 
 song specially delighted him he liked to keep it by 
 him and study it. He afterwards agreed to sing it. 
 With our previous experience, we thought we should 
 avoid publishers, and publish ourselves. 
 
 Santley sang the song at the Albert Hall and other 
 places, but not with sufficient frequency to please my 
 partner, who wrote him a discourteous letter. This 
 was both foolish and unfair to me, who had a joint- 
 interest in the song, which, of course, Santley ceased 
 to sing. Cramer's, of Regent Street, took the song on 
 royalty, and when the composer died gave me a good 
 sum for the copyright, which I sent to the widow, who 
 was left very badly off. 
 
 I attempted to publish no more till Albert Chevalier 
 urged me to submit my songs to Reynolds & Co., 
 who had done so well for his. Following his advice, 
 I arranged for Mr Reynolds to come one Saturday 
 night to the Savage Club and hear me sing them an 
 arrangement which a joke of Odell's nearly ruined, 
 but you shall judge. 
 
 To prevent being called upon before Mr Reynolds 
 arrived, I did not go into the " Smoker," telling Odell 
 that I must wait till a publisher came. It appears 
 that he preceded his recitation by saying, " I am not 
 like Ganthony ; I don't require a publisher before I 
 do anything." In consequence, when I entered the 
 room with Mr Reynolds a babble of voices arose 
 "Here comes the publisher" which my look of 
 annoyance soon checked. 
 
 The Savages, of course, thought that the whole 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 149 
 
 story about the publisher was humorous mythology. 
 Fortunately Mr Reynolds noticed nothing in the hub- 
 bub which follows the opening of the doors after a turn. 
 I sang a couple of songs, which led to the publication 
 of a long list of them ; all have a good sale, " Sambo's 
 Serenade" and "The Twilight" being the most popular. 
 I wrote with Edward Jones some humorous songs 
 for ladies songs for ladies who are too matured for 
 " Clasp me to thy arms, love," " I miss the tickle of 
 thy blonde moustache," etc. humorous songs which 
 would allow a lady who, though no longer in her first 
 youth, had a voice and musical ability, to amuse her 
 friends ; but there are evidently no ladies over nine- 
 teen alive, for not a single copy of these songs has 
 been sold. 
 
 Dow 3 Became a Ventriloquist. 
 
 MOST people imagine that the ventriloquist is " born 
 and not made," and though my father felt proud 
 when I showed evidences of these powers, my 
 mother, I think, felt a little uneasy at having given 
 birth to a ventriloquist without being aware of it, 
 until my work on the subject calmed her. 
 
 Imitating instruments gave me the idea that I 
 could master voice-throwing, but how I discovered a 
 teacher I do not remember. I think it was in the 
 pages of the Era among advertisements of young 
 snakes, Wapiti deer, a calf with five legs, a living 
 carriage, fat women, and living skeletons, but when 
 found, my instructor's ways were as mysterious as his 
 art. He wrote from Hoxton, lived at Wandsworth, 
 and gave lessons in Battersea, at which last address 
 I was requested to call, and found that my instructor 
 was also a tobacconist. 
 
150 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 It was a peculiar kind of tobacconist's, for the 
 stock-in-trade, consisting of cigars, pipes, and 
 cigarette boxes, etc., was barely discernible through 
 a thick covering of dust. The corpses of flies that 
 had disported themselves in the shop window during 
 the previous summer lay scattered amongst the long 
 and short clays. 
 
 I should have passed the shop had not the most 
 awful sounds of animals proceeding from it arrested 
 my attention. A woman who had left her mangling to 
 see whether the boy was coming with the beer asked 
 me if I was looking for Mr Muggins. I replied, 
 " No, for Professor Serino." " That is Muggins ; it's 
 the ventrickolist you want ; he's in there right 
 enough." I thanked her and tried to enter the 
 tobacconist's, but the door would not open. I rang 
 the bell, with the result that a card with a girl upon 
 it in tights, and smoking a cigarette, was moved on one 
 side, a face appeared, I was inspected and the door 
 unbolted. When I was admitted it was as securely 
 fastened again. 
 
 In the tobacconist's shop there were all sorts and 
 conditions of ventriloquial figures China and France 
 were represented and South Africa some sitting, 
 some standing, but all smelling very strongly of 
 varnish. 
 
 There are a lot of clever men entertaining the 
 public who only lack education to do well. This will 
 be different in years to come when the anomalies of 
 which I write, like Dickens' allusions to arrest for debt, 
 will be things of the past. They were still existent, 
 however, when I took lessons in ventriloquism. 
 
 The " Professor " had whiskers, a big forehead, a 
 clerical appearance, and a nervous, disjointed, short, 
 paragraphic kind of speech, probably caught from his 
 ventriloquial figures. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. !$! 
 
 " This is a border from a customer, Squowlerini, an 
 old pupil of mine now on the continent of France 
 does immense ! Watch me ! If I stroke it, the tail 
 goes up, and it miaous. They tells me tell me 
 that a French cat miaous just like ours. A good 
 thing for pros.! Why we all wants a different 
 language I don't know. English gives me enough 
 trouble to speak correct correctly." 
 
 "A universal Volapuk would be a convenience," 
 I remarked, meditatively, but the " Professor" looked 
 at me as though I had addressed him in Greek. 
 
 "Chinese is like cats," he continued, "they don't 
 have no particular langwidge leastways, none what 
 nobody can't understand, so we makes 'em talk 
 English, which is easier for all parties." 
 
 Our conversation was here interrupted by a violent 
 shaking of the door from a customer in search of the 
 fragrant weed. 
 
 " Can't attend to you," shouted the " Professor." 
 
 " Only 'arf an ounce of shag, Guv'nor," entreated 
 the man outside. 
 
 " No." 
 
 " Just this once, Guv'nor, and I won't bother you 
 again, so 'elp me bob." 
 
 " No, I've got a pupil," replied the relentless 
 " Professor." 
 
 " Then go an' drown 'im, and yerself too," shouted 
 the man, and left. 
 
 " These people comin' for tobacco is a perfect 
 noosance," remarked the " Professor " in an injured 
 tone. 
 
 " But surely you cannot blame them for coming to 
 a tobacconist's for tobacco ? " I argued. 
 
 " No, that's all right in a general way, but I've 
 taken this shop for a debt, and it interrupts me in my 
 business." 
 
152 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS, 
 
 After-experience and knowledge explain many 
 things in life that we do not understand at the time, 
 and I can see now how admirably fitted this " shop " 
 was for the exhibition of ventriloquism or conjuring 
 tricks, being entirely of wood, which is good for 
 sound ; the counter, where a " servante " could easily 
 be arranged, was a natural conjuror's table. 
 
 The " Professor," whose father, by the way, was 
 a ventriloquist before, and whose daughter was a 
 ventriloquist after, him, had a method of teaching- 
 very crude, certainly but it was a method, and it was 
 upon this I formulated the rules by which this art 
 could be acquired. It took me about three years to 
 work out and submit them to the public as I have 
 done in " Practical Ventriloquism." 
 
 Ventriloquism is oral painting in which the voice is 
 made to appear distant or near by the exercise of an 
 art, though it is the same distance from the auditor as 
 the distance or foreground of a picture actually is from 
 the person looking at it. 
 
 When I first learnt ventriloquism I looked forward 
 to the fun I should have after mastering it, but now I 
 never think of using it unless I am obliged to pro- 
 fessionally. Of course, in my case it would savour 
 too much of " shop " if I tried to pose as a modern 
 " Valentine Vox." 
 
 I was entertaining at Raglan Castle, the Duke 
 of Beaufort having recommended me. In giving 
 some experiments in the open air, I called up to an 
 ivy-covered tower, and said, "What are you doing 
 up there?' 3 when I was saved the trouble of any 
 ventriloquial effort in reply to my own question by 
 hearing a boy's voice come out of the ivy, which said, 
 in an accent of fear, " I ain't doing naught. I climbed 
 'ere to see folk and 'ear band play." This brought 
 me a spontaneous round of applause, so I risked it, 
 
RANDOiM RECOLLECTIONS. 1 53 
 
 and said, "Well, you can stay there, but don't let 
 anybody see you, or you will be taken to Cardiff 
 and put in prison." This threat prevented my little 
 swindle from being discovered, for the lad never 
 showed himself, and this marvellous exposition of 
 voice-throwing was accepted with my other illustra- 
 tions. I was pronounced a " champion." 
 
 I gave some ventriloquism at the Democratic Club 
 in Chancery Lane, where the window behind was 
 above my head as I stood on the platform. An iron 
 grating, level with the footpath, allowed the light to 
 come through the window in the day time, and at 
 night allowed two small boys to obtain a good view 
 of our proceedings by lying on their stomachs on the 
 pavement and looking into the room. The stage and 
 room being lighted, I could not see them, though 
 they could see me. I seized on this window as 
 offering a good assistance to my experiments, as it 
 is advisable to make it possible that a person can be 
 where you indicate, or the eyes of your auditors 
 contradict your phonetic effects. I had hardly said 
 that I would imitate someone outside the window, 
 and turned to do so, when the boys shouted, " Oh, 
 what a duffin' entertainment ! " knocked upon the 
 window, and ran clown the street, all of which, 
 including the knock on the window and the retreating 
 footsteps, were attributed to my ventriloquial powers, 
 the audience saying that they had never heard any- 
 thing like it. 
 
 In remote country places a belief in the super- 
 natural still exists, and it is a bit awkward sometimes ; 
 for, after I had made a man's voice come out of a 
 cupboard, at the inn at Raglan, the servant girl would 
 not open the door of it on any consideration. 
 
 A French ambassador was the most sceptical man 
 I ever met. The French are not good ventriloquists, 
 
154 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 which may explain it. He insisted that I had some- 
 one outside the window, but this time I had not. I 
 convinced him by bringing a voice out of his stomach, 
 when the serious expression of his face made every- 
 body roar with laughter, until he saw the absurdity 
 of doubting, and joined in with the rest. 
 
 Mrs Stannard ("John Strange Winter") said to me 
 after some voice-throwing, " I know, of course, that 
 there is no one there ; but yet I felt convinced that 
 there was." Her imagination had created the man I 
 orally suggested. 
 
 The difficulty the test of good ventriloquism is 
 for the artiste to get his voice clearly away from 
 himself, which, in a room with people near you, is 
 very difficult. When children go and look behind 
 the curtain I have used, I accept the action as a 
 compliment. 
 
 I remember a clergyman walking up quietly to a 
 cupboard after I had finished and looking into it, 
 and then bursting out laughing to find it full not of 
 confederates, but household odds and ends. 
 
 1bow 3 Became a Conjuror. 
 
 IN acquiring the art of conjuring I was especially 
 fortunate in having a friend in " Professor Hoffman," 
 whose works on magic are world-famed. As conjuring 
 requires a large palm and ventriloquism a large 
 palate, I found (having both) that by practice I 
 acquired sleight of hand even more readily than I 
 had sleight of throat. Sleight of hand is to conjuring 
 what unaided ventriloquism is to figure working the 
 art in its most difficult form. It is mechanical con- 
 juring and the employment of automata which make 
 conjurors and ventriloquists so apparently prolific, the 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 155 
 
 exponents of these arts especially ventriloquism 
 being as rare as ever. 
 
 Half the difficulty is to obtain the power of address- 
 ing and putting an audience at ease : this I had no 
 longer to learn. 
 
 I have been surprised at the foolish letters I often 
 receive from men who should know better. A West- 
 End doctor, having seen me at the Savage Club, wrote 
 to engage me for a children's party. A little later he 
 wrote cancelling the engagement, on the ground that 
 though I could of course entertain an adult audience, it 
 would be absurd for me to attempt to amuse children. 
 I wonder what he would think if I wrote to him say- 
 ing that though he could cure adults it would be 
 absurd for him to attempt to cure children. There 
 is absolutely no difference. 
 
 Having no family alive I rather delight in making 
 children happy, generally doing so as " Santa Claus " 
 in costume, and I have found that the old gentleman, 
 with his flowing white beard and hair and snow- 
 flecked gaberdine with a genius for conjuring, is more 
 liked than the ordinary man of mystery. 
 
 To excel in conjuring one must be very fond of it, 
 and I am afraid that I am not, though it is the safest 
 form of entertainment to attempt, for everybody loves 
 a little hanky-panky. 
 
 I gave sleight of hand at the Egyptian Hall, which 
 is the Mecca of conjurors. 
 
 Before East-End audiences or poor children I have 
 found that if you produce eatables and drinkables 
 in abundance, they will not subject your legerdemain 
 to hypercriticism. 
 
156 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 5 Became a Ztdbtnfng Cartoonist 
 
 I HAVE always been very fond of painting, and 
 Maclise's expressions, which I elaborated, gave me 
 the idea of a novel form of sketching entertainment. 
 I added drawing simultaneously with both hands, 
 changing figures into faces and goblets into people 
 kissing. By arranging these in amusing sequence 
 and introducing each item with humorous matter and 
 setting the whole to appropriate music, I became 
 possessed of a " show " which took me all over Great 
 Britain, half round Europe, and through South Africa 
 
 I first gave this at the Richmond Theatre, when I 
 felt so ashamed of its simplicity that at the last 
 moment I was going to substitute another item, but 
 the theatre being packed, my wife, who was accom- 
 modated at the wings, and, happening to be near 
 me, urged me to do the sketching. The result was 
 entire success. I next tried it at the Opera Comique, 
 and again at the Palace Theatre, where it was engaged 
 and re-engaged ; but it would be even more successful 
 there now, with a suitable audience, instead of empty 
 chairs, which are so irresponsive. 
 
 At a later period I was allowed with many 
 gloomy prognostications to submit it at the 
 Alhambra as an " extra turn/' and except in novels 
 where the heroine plays Juliet for the first time 
 without any previous training whatsoever, the 
 genuine applause my sketches provoked has not 
 been surpassed in any theatre. When I was looking 
 after my easels the stage manager came and told me 
 they wanted me before the curtain. I shall never for- 
 get the applause which came like the roar of the sea 
 from the front when the curtain was drawn aside to 
 
Black Art "Double- handed Drawing. As given at the Alhambra, 
 Palace Theatre, etc. etc. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 157 
 
 let me go on and bow. Before I reached my dressing- 
 room Mr Moul caught me up and engaged me for 
 a month at once, and gave me another contract for a 
 second appearance a little later when they could 
 squeeze me in. 
 
 I had the lion turn each evening, my work taking, 
 as it was an intellectual entertainment among so 
 much which was purely physical at least, that is 
 how I analytically diagnosed its success. 
 
 The music was specially orchestrated for the 
 magnificent band at the Alhambra, and was an 
 entertainment in itself. They would finish as my 
 crayon left the paper, as though I had a sympathetic 
 pianoforte accompanist instead of a large orchestra ; 
 and this, reader, is how I became a " lightning 
 cartoonist." 
 
 1bo\v 3 JSecame a IRellie (Bantbons in 
 JBifurcatefc Garments. 
 
 MY sister is always referred to as " Grossmith in 
 petticoats." I have, therefore, for the sake of 
 originality, adopted the above title. When we gave 
 our little pieces people said, "You should have a 
 ' musical sketch ' at the piano." 
 
 I wrote to Eric Lewis, who had just obtained an 
 engagement at the Savoy Theatre, and, knowing no 
 one else suitable, I knocked one up myself. It was 
 a good thing for Lewis, myself, and my sister that he 
 couldn't join us, as I should never have, perhaps, 
 thought of advising her to give " musical sketches " 
 when we had to break up, and Fanny Wentworth 
 also owes her success to the fact of my sister taking 
 up my idea. I met Miss Wentworth at dinner some- 
 where, and she told me that she was weary of trying 
 
I $8 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 for engagements, that she had tried every manager 
 for years. I gave her every encouragement, and she 
 paid me a visit, when we discussed the matter, and 
 she soon after blossomed out as another " Grossmith in 
 petticoats." 
 
 ZTbe EGEPtian ifoall. 
 
 ONE evening, in the course of my private engage- 
 ments, I found myself at Nevil House, the private 
 residence of Mr Maskelyne, at Battersea Park. 
 When the sorcerer came home from the nightly 
 practice of his weird and inscrutable art he requested 
 that I should do something more, which I thought 
 strange at the time, as I supposed he would have 
 had quite enough entertaining for one day at the 
 Egyptian Hall. He paid great attention to what I 
 did Maskelyne, ptre et fils, have a very charming 
 way of receiving anything submitted for their 
 approval and as I finished, led the applause. 
 
 When I left he accompanied me to the door, and 
 on the steps of his house asked me if I would like 
 to join him at the " Hall ? " I thought that I would, 
 so we arranged a lunch together, discussed what I 
 should do, settled it, and I went home with a contract 
 in my pocket. 
 
 I stayed at the hall for a year or so and got along 
 pleasantly with everybody, and there was no trouble 
 about money, for Maskelyne paid us all himself with 
 the punctuality of a well-regulated chronometer. 
 
 Mr Cooke is the mysterious partner. Some think 
 " as there ain't such a person," others will tell you 
 that he is dead, but you may accept the fact from me 
 that he is alive, for I met him recently and he promised 
 to give me a few dozen currant bushes. If he has any- 
 thing to do with them they are sure to bear good fruit. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 159 
 
 Many will remember Cooke's countryman who 
 visits the quack doctor and has his head cut off to 
 cure a " koind o' a buzzin'." What a capital piece 
 of character acting it was ! He always alludes to 
 the manner he and Maskelyne worked that trick, 
 and the absolute confidence he always felt when 
 doing it with him. No doubt his partner would 
 reciprocate this statement. Their confidence is 
 mutual. I know from acting for so many years with 
 my sister that I never thought that I was acting, or 
 gave the matter of remembering the words, or that I 
 should not get my cues, a thought, and so perhaps, 
 even in a greater degree, is this feeling valuable with 
 a trick where the co-operation and sympathy must be 
 absolute. 
 
 One night in the "box trick," in which Cooke is 
 rammed into a box, the lid when slammed down 
 jammed his ear and held him. The pain, he told me, 
 was so great that he fainted. When he regained 
 consciousness he managed to let Maskelyne know 
 what had happened, as he raised the lid on some 
 pretence and again closed it after a brief inquiry. 
 Cooke concluded the trick, the audience laughing and 
 applauding in complete ignorance of the accident, 
 and the act quiet act of heroism which had been 
 performed in obscurity to prevent their pleasure being 
 marred and to allow the entertainment to proceed 
 without interruption. 
 
 Cooke never forgets voices, and very seldom faces. 
 One night a man came up on the stage from the 
 audience and took a seat. 
 
 " I know that man," he said to his partner. " Red 
 necktie, striped trousers, gold-mounted cane." 
 
 "Who is he?" 
 
 " Paper hanger did up my house at Cheltenham." 
 
 " Name ? " 
 
160 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. ' 
 
 " Pelly went to Australia." 
 
 " Good." 
 
 It then rested for either to use their discovery as 
 opportunity offered. 
 
 To Cooke's delight the man said, "Perhaps you 
 think I have been up here before ? " 
 
 " How could you ? " replied Cooke. " You have 
 only just returned from Australia''' 
 
 This caused the man to look so alarmed that the 
 audience laughed. He had been mystified to a state 
 of nervousness by what had been going on previously, 
 but he plucked up courage and said 
 
 " Perhaps, as you are so smart, you can tell me my 
 name ? " 
 
 " Your name is Pelly," replied Maskelyne, without 
 a moment's hesitation. 
 
 The man's face was a study. 
 
 " And," continued Cooke, " you originally came 
 from Cheltenham, where you were a paper hanger's 
 apprentice. Do you want to know anything more ? " 
 
 " No," shouted Pelly. " For Heaven's sake let me 
 get down ! I believe you're Old Nick himself." 
 
 In the " Dark Seances " they play tricks on those 
 who come on the stage, to suggest to them the 
 presence of spirits. Passing his hand rapidly along 
 their heads in the dark and pulling the hair of his 
 victims, Cooke found in his hand a couple of toupees, 
 and owing to the scurry, bustle, and darkness, he 
 could not tell to which bald top knot the scalps in his 
 hands belonged. He determined to chance it, and 
 rammed them back on the bald pates as he discovered 
 them by the sense of touch, leaving the owners to 
 adjust them themselves. When the lights were turned 
 up at the conclusion of the performance the audience 
 were convulsed with laughter, for Cooke had given the 
 dark wig to the man with the fair hair, and the fair 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. l6l 
 
 wig to the man with the black hair ; so that the one 
 had a black crown and fair extremities, and the other 
 a fair crown with black edges. The diplomatic 
 Maskelyne led the two gentlemen off at the wings, 
 where, in the sanctity of his dressing-room, he allowed 
 them to regard themselves in the glass and restore 
 things to their natural order, before returning them by 
 another entrance to the audience, which I had taken 
 charge of while Maskelyne was putting things right 
 and assuring his patrons that tlie secrets of the Hall 
 were never revealed. 
 
 fl&oore ant) 
 
 I HAVE often wondered why the present-day minstrels 
 did not imitate the original " Christy " and speak in a 
 negro dialect, in consistency with the character they 
 assumed. When I appeared at St James's Hall I 
 asked about this, and was informed that " Coon " 
 dialect business had gone out of fashion as though 
 in any imitative art Nature could go out of fashion! 
 
 I tried a " Musical Sketch " first, and gave a 
 description of a negro party as though I were a 
 darkey with a talent for mimicry who had just 
 returned from one, and I don't suppose that the 
 provincial audience which foregathers at St James's 
 Hall knew what I was driving at anyway, the sketch 
 went flat. So much for trying to be artistic and true 
 to Nature. 
 
 There is often a reason why a thing does not 
 succeed which an artiste does not understand at the 
 time, as he has not been in front and seen the whole 
 programme. In this particular instance the effect of 
 my sketch given at a pianette was discounted by a 
 long programme of singing by the troupe, with full 
 chorus and orchestral accompaniment, which pre- 
 
 L 
 
162 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 ceded it, but when I changed my entertainment and 
 followed their vocalism with " patter," the change was 
 a welcome relief, and my success was immediate and 
 absolute. 
 
 I had, at Mr Kemble's entreaty, dropped the 
 "Coon" dialect, and gave my "Black Art" and 
 " Funnygraph " in my own voice and manner, and, 
 though the audience applauded, with the black face 
 it was all wrong and meaningless. 
 
 The paragraphs issued by the management were 
 injudicious ; one I remember was that I had " con- 
 descended " to " black up," as though if a man goes 
 in for this kind of life he bothers his head or face 
 whether he " whites up " as a Pierrot or " blacks up " 
 as a nigger, provided the make up is a necessity of 
 the character he portrays. 
 
 I was so successful that the management put out 
 boardmen up and down Piccadilly advertising my 
 name as large as life. At the end of the week an 
 artiste who had gone away in a huff, suddenly 
 returned, when the management said that they could 
 not afford to pay both of us, and they must keep him 
 result, that my name was suddenly withdrawn, 
 which gave the general impression that I had been 
 engaged for my name, and my engagement was a 
 failure. This was accentuated by my name being 
 advertised in the following Sunday's papers after my 
 visit had terminated. The management informed me 
 that advertisements in the Sunday's papers referred 
 to the past week well, they never did as far as my 
 experience went. 
 
 It is remarkable how new an old dress suit looks 
 when you "black up," which improves it as it does 
 the teeth, though the white of a Pierrot makes them 
 look a dirty yellow. 
 
 When the original " Christys " came from America 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 163 
 
 they appeared at a theatre on the Surrey side, which, 
 being too large for them, involved failure. When 
 they tried again it was at a West-End hall, where they 
 soon became the rage, their songs, " Mary Blane," 
 " Nancy Till," " Old Swanee River," being consistent 
 with the character they assumed. The original men 
 were perfect artistes, and I am afraid that " Mary 
 Jane's Top Note," as an Ethiopian serenade, would 
 have had no place in their repertoire, as it did at the 
 St James's Hall ; when sung by a slavey in comic 
 opera it made a hit because it was appropriate. 
 
 The history of the origin of the title " Moore and 
 Burgess " is amusing : Moore was the corner man, 
 Burgess the man of business, and when so the 
 legend has it the funny man told the man of 
 business that he intended to run the troupe without 
 him, the man of business produced the lease of 
 St James's Hall from a desk, which he had had the 
 precaution to have made out in his own name, and 
 told the funny man that he intended to keep his 
 minstrels at St James's Hall t whereupon the well- 
 known title resulted of the Moore and Burgess 
 Minstrels. 
 
 IReminfscences of a pleasure {Trip. 
 
 THE drawback to a cruise like that which Sir Donald 
 Currie gave his friends in the Tantallon Castle to the 
 Baltic is, that when the excitement of the trip is over, 
 and you shake your kindly host by the hand at 
 Fenchurch Street Station, you feel as you drive home 
 that you are nobody. What I mean is, that men no 
 longer stand, as they did in Hamburg, at the street 
 corners and raise their hats. Blue-eyed maidens, 
 with blonde tresses, no longer smile on you and 
 whisper a word of welcome ; and clerks do not tear 
 
164 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 themselves away from entrancing account books and 
 rush to their office windows to greet you. The news- 
 papers no longer chronicle your doings, and you eat 
 your meals without being surrounded by kings, princes, 
 queens, princesses, and ambassadors, burgomasters, 
 lords, baronets, and other notabilities ; and without 
 being daily perplexed by a new foreign language, 
 or as to what dainties you should select from the 
 elaborate menu cards presented to you by an 
 obliging steward. 
 
 I felt all this as acutely as a dethroned Lord 
 Mayor when I drove from Fenchurch Street, and, 
 yearning for sympathy, said, in the fulness of my 
 heart, to a porter at Waterloo Station who was 
 looking after my traps, " I have just come from the 
 Baltic ! " 
 
 " 'Ave yer ? " he replied, possibly thinking I referred 
 to a public-house which supplied lunches. " Well, 
 I'm just agoin' to my dinner." 
 
 To begin at the beginning of this wonderful 
 excursion for the more I think of it the more 
 remarkable does it appear I should allude to my 
 engagement. 
 
 When I received a letter from Sir Donald Currie 
 asking me to call, I presumed that I was wanted at 
 No. i Fenchurch Street about my berth on the 
 Tantallon Castle, in which vessel my passage was 
 being booked for South Africa. When Mr Martin 
 began talking about Kiel I imagined at first that 
 they were going to put me down in the hold, until it 
 dawned upon me that he was referring to the German 
 bay, to which an aquatic short cut had been made 
 from the Elbe, and to which, on its opening day, 
 all the fleets were going to demonstrate our close 
 adherence to the principles of peace which Christianity 
 enforces. In other words, we were going to show 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 165 
 
 what preparations, in proportion to its means, each 
 nation had made to blow its contemporary into 
 eternity. 
 
 I had not had much experience in opening canals, 
 my last experience of this sort being when, as a 
 schoolboy, I paddled down from Richmond in a 
 canoe to the Brentford Canal. Understanding that 
 any canal whose gates were washed by a tidal river 
 must be opened when admittance was demanded, I 
 shouted for about half an hour, and at last succeeded 
 in obtaining an entrance ; and I remember the 
 personal abuse and bad language the lock-keeper 
 used towards me as the lock slowly filled, and I 
 rose in an atmosphere of invective. I reflected that, 
 if this was to be my experience of the opening of 
 the Kiel Canal, the lock-keeper would in all proba- 
 bility curse and swear in German, so that it would 
 not so much matter. 
 
 Fenchurch Street Station, though a delightful 
 place to spend a happy day, is not, strictly speaking, 
 a seaport, but this, nevertheless, was our point of 
 embarkation. 
 
 The first person I met en route was Melton Prior, 
 armed with his sketching implements, which he 
 intended to use for my friend, Sir William Ingram, 
 in the pages of the Illustrated London News. 
 Melton's, whiskers and costume being the same 
 colour as the luggage, I unfortunately lost him as 
 it accumulated, and had to console myself with the 
 society of a tenor singer who accompanied us, the 
 smoke from whose cigars I enjoyed, without partici- 
 pating in their combustion. At Tilbury the tender 
 took us off to the Tantallon Castle, which lay in the 
 Thames a picture of naval architecture. 
 
 As we neared the steamer we could see Mr 
 Gladstone and his friends on deck, whereupon a 
 
l66 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 gentleman near me began waving his umbrella and 
 calling, in an excited manner, to those about him, 
 "There he is! there he is!" I felt inclined to 
 suggest to him that these attentions would be very 
 embarrassing to the venerable politician, when, to my 
 surprise, Mr Gladstone began doing the same thing, 
 pointing at him and saying, " There he is," or " There 
 is Edward." Of course, if Mr Gladstone does this sort 
 of thing, he cannot object to it in others. I think the 
 gentleman on the tender was Lord Rendel, so, on the 
 whole, I am glad that I did not make any suggestions 
 as to what appeared to me to be his want of good 
 manners. 
 
 Having called on Jerome previous to starting, and 
 been enrolled with all the usual Howard House 
 ceremonials as temporary foreign correspondent to 
 To-Day, I became Ganthony R. Ganthony. I 
 naturally felt myself of unusual importance, but at 
 the same time a little alarmed as to how I should 
 acquit myself in my new character as an imaginative 
 journalist, my editor being an authority on aquatic 
 excursions with a restricted passenger list. We had 
 more than three men in our boat, so my experiences 
 were more elaborate than his. Ir a footnote to 
 "Celebrities at Sea," under which title my remarks 
 appeared, Jerome said that my sketches had "been 
 secured by pirates." I have wondered since whether 
 he meant literary or nautical pirates. It is the former 
 that have troubled me most. 
 
 That I should take "snap shots" was a condition 
 of my employment as a correspondent ; but though 
 I had bought a hand camera, and had it with me, I 
 did not use it. I should have liked to have taken a 
 number of " snaps " when on the tender as it sheered 
 off from Tilbury. " Leaving the Dear Old Country " 
 is a fine title for a photograph as large as a postage 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 167 
 
 stamp ; but, understanding that the hand camera 
 man was a nuisance, I did not like nay, I did not 
 dare to remove mine from its case. On the 
 Tantallon Castle, however, I saw Mr Gladstone's 
 son-in-law, the Rev. Mr Harry Drew, and others, all 
 armed to the teeth with " Kodaks," taking us. After 
 this I secured nine "snaps" in rapid succession to 
 make up for lost time. As mine was a new kind of 
 camera, Mr Drew questioned me about it, and, after 
 examining it, asked me if I did not think I should 
 obtain better results if I removed the plug which had 
 been inserted by the manufacturers to protect the 
 glass lense. I agreed with him. With the camera 
 as I had it, I might as well have used a soda water 
 bottle and tried to take photos with that. 
 
 I shall reprint three menu cards, selected haphazard, 
 to which were added all kinds of wines, liqueurs, and 
 cigars, and the reader will see that it was a most 
 fortunate thing for me that I am accustomed to live 
 very simply, as otherwise I should have been incon- 
 venienced by lack of nourishment. 
 
 BREAKFAST, 
 
 Porridge ; fried whiting ; smoked haddock ; grilled ham and straw 
 potatoes; fried, boiled, and poached eggs; omelette; grilled kidneys 
 on toast; chops and steaks from the grill (to order); curried mutton 
 Madras; straw and mashed potatoes; rolls and toast. Cold chicken, 
 boiled ham. Tea, coffee, and cocoa. 
 
 LUNCHEON. 
 
 Kidney soup; grilled fowl and bacon; lamb cutlets with green peas; 
 chops and steaks from the grill (to order); curried eggs; stewed apricots 
 with rice; rice pudding. Cold Fillets of sole en aspic; sardines; roast 
 ribs of beef with horse radish sauce; galantine of turkey truffles with aspic 
 jelly; baron of lamb with mint sauce; partridges; corned round of beef; 
 boiled York ham ; assorted salad ; salade a la Frattfatse. Stilton, 
 Cheddar, and Roquefort cheese; pulled-bread; scones; oatcakes, short- 
 bread; dessert; coffee. 
 
l68 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 DINNER. 
 
 Olives, anchovies a Vhuile; consomme royale; turbot; shrimp sauce 
 devilled whitebait; lamb kidneys epicurienne; fillets of chicken with 
 truffles and mushrooms; roast saddle of mutton with currant jelly; 
 corned brisket of beef with carrots; roast gosling with apple sauce; 
 quails on toast; Malay curry and rice; Lyonnaise and boiled potatoes; 
 green peas a FAn%laise; macedoine of fruit; duchesse loaves; Clarendon 
 pudding; vanilla ices. Stilton, Cheddar, and Roquefort cheese; 
 macaroni au Gratin; dessert; coffee. 
 
 I have heard it stated constantly that Mr Glad- 
 stone has no sense of humour, so I was surprised to 
 find that it was the outbursts of laughter which 
 greeted his remarks and mimicry at the table that 
 drew my attention to his whereabouts. Such reports 
 as these made me a little dubious as to how he would 
 receive my entertainments ; but I don't think I ever 
 had a more responsive or sympathetic auditor, nor one 
 who laughed more heartily and unreservedly. I know 
 that I have read in the papers over and over again 
 that Mr Gladstone could not enjoy a joke, which is 
 absolute nonsense. But there are plenty of things 
 said about great men, and even about myself, in the 
 papers that I do not always believe. 
 
 It had been decided not to give a concert the first 
 evening, but as we steamed up the North Sea and 
 night set in, time began to hang a little on our hands. 
 As Sir Donald was too remarkable a host to permit 
 this, I was trotted out and put through my paces. 
 When giving my entertainment I was conscious of a 
 gentleman so evidently anxious to assist my perform- 
 ance, that I broke through a rule I have of never 
 looking at my audience, and saw before me a pupil to 
 whom I had been recently giving ventriloquial lessons, 
 viz., the Hon. Sydney Holland, whom I recognised 
 when he doffed his yachting clothes. I asked him 
 afterwards " How he dared to be out on a pleasure 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 169 
 
 trip, when I had set him a series of ventriloquial 
 scales to practise ? " To which he replied, " Come 
 and smoke a cigar on deck." 
 
 I hardly expected to see the morning paper on my 
 table at breakfast time. But Sir Donald forgot 
 nothing on that trip ; and there it was The Tantallon 
 Chronicle full of local news, and containing no adver- 
 tisements. There was no charge for the paper, so I 
 at once became a constant subscriber. In addition to 
 free shaving and hair cutting by the barber, I 
 announced that I would give free lessons in ventri- 
 loquism and sleight-of-hand to all subscribers a 
 thing the editor announced as unheard of, even in 
 these days of advanced journalism. 
 
 The first night on retiring I became quite confused 
 as to where my cabin was, as I had got turned round 
 and lost myself aft. I appealed to a steward, who 
 said, " What is your number, sir ? " 
 
 " Number ? " I replied. " I can never remember 
 figures, but if you will direct me to the cabin with the 
 drab cushions, I should be all right if I can get there, 
 because if I put my back against the small piano, and 
 cross the room obliquely, I come to a plate of 
 geraniums, and then my door is the third on the 
 right." 
 
 " There is no cabin with drab cushions," remarked 
 the steward. " Then Heaven help me," I said. 
 
 Wandering back, wondering where I should get a 
 night's lodging, I crossed the saloon, where I found 
 Sir Donald, his brother, and some other gentlemen 
 seated at a table, sampling a bottle of cold water. I 
 intended to pass them, as I did not wish to admit 
 that I was lost the first night out, when Sir Donald 
 hailed me, and expressed his delight at my entertain- 
 ment. Being the initial one, this was very gratifying, 
 as it meant my professional success for the whole 
 
1 70 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 trip. He, however, remarked that I did not look as 
 merry as I did when entertaining, which caused me 
 to divulge the fact to him that I was lost, that I had 
 forgotten the number of my cabin and all clue to its 
 locality. This seemed to amuse him greatly, and he 
 comforted me by saying "that if I would tell them a 
 good story right off, he would take me to my cabin 
 himself." The one story was so much relished, that I 
 had some cold water also, and we wound up the night 
 in anecdote and diluted water, after which I obtained 
 the escort to my cabin, which had become still more 
 necessary. The next day I had a chart of the 
 Tantallon Castle presented me by Sir Donald, to- 
 gether with the number of my cabin, under a "Castle" 
 flag badge to be worn in my yachting cap, so that the 
 stewards would know where I came from and where 
 to redirect me. 
 
 Talking of stewards reminds me of a call I had 
 from the one who waited on me at our table. He 
 said, " Wouid you mind telling me, sir, the end of 
 that story about the man who left his friend in the 
 Hotel St Joseph's, at Rouen, etc.? I had to go for the 
 champagne just as you was coming to the point." 
 After that, if his duties lost him the end of a story, he 
 always waited on me for its conclusion. The place 
 where I sat, with a lot of clever, genial men, we called 
 the " Poets' Corner," and from the Poets' Corner came 
 the most frequent laughter on the ship during the 
 voyage. The least came from that part of the room 
 where they had a representative from Punch, whose 
 contribution to our Chronicle was a joke about weigh- 
 ing the anchor and what did it weigh ? a piece of 
 humour that even I had heard before, to say nothing 
 of the stewards. 
 
 The first event was the sighting of Heligoland, 
 which is a dismal rock on the " prompt " and a gay 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 17 1 
 
 watering place on the " O. P." side. As we passed 
 the Filrst Bismarck, its band played " God Save the 
 Queen " in our honour, and we, not having a band 
 laid on for the moment, gave what the song calls, 
 " three 'earty cheers " in return. Then we ported the 
 helm and took the first turning on the right and went 
 up the Elbe. The way crowds of enthusiastic Germans 
 lined the banks and cheered us as we proceeded was 
 a denial of any idea of unfriendliness between these 
 two great English-speaking countries. I include 
 Germany in our English-speaking countries, for they 
 all spoke English as well, if not better, than we did, 
 having more recently left off studying their grammars. 
 
 People came out from their Erdbecren mil Schlag- 
 sahne und kirscJien on to the balconies of their villas, 
 which line the banks, and waved their serviettes to 
 welcome us. The number of sunken vessels we passed 
 on the Elbe received us in silence. When a steamer 
 is run into there and it sinks, it is allowed to remain 
 as a delicate hint to those still floating to be more 
 careful. If they have many more collisions, and don't 
 gather up the fragments, there will be no room to pass. 
 
 When half way up the Elbe a deputation boarded 
 us like a lot of smiling pirates, armed with bouquets 
 and umbrellas, and bound us, not with ropes, but to 
 keep the two following days " Tage" they called 
 them according to their pre-arranged and printed 
 programmes. 
 
 After this we passed a large sailing vessel sunk 
 hull under, next a large steamer cut bang in half, the 
 stern and propeller up in the air, and the bow a little 
 further off. I was just going to smile at the sailing 
 vessel cutting the steamer in half, but Mrs Gladstone 
 said, " It is a very painful sight/' so I murmured an 
 acquiescence, looked as sorrowful as was possible 
 under the circumstances, though I afterwards, when 
 
172 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 asked the cause, attributed the accidents to lack of 
 Elbe-ow room ; but this was late at night, and with 
 friends whom I knew would offer me no personal 
 violence. 
 
 It was a lovely evening when we steamed up the 
 Elbe, the sky reminding me of the sunset effects in 
 the Dutch pictures at the National Gallery, which I 
 had previously thought a little unnatural, as people 
 do when they see in pictures the colouring of the 
 autumn tints of American foliage, or the blue of the 
 Niagara river after it has been coloured by the rock 
 at the foot of the falls. 
 
 On arrival at Hamburg, knowing how ocean travel 
 upsets chronology, we all began to set our watches by 
 a large clock face, opposite which we moored, only to 
 discover that we were accepting the depth of the Elbe 
 as the time of day. A perpendicular dial would be 
 better, as the circular dial with figures is universally 
 understood to refer to time. 
 
 In the States the first thing they do to cheer you 
 up is to show you a cemetery. In Germany they 
 take you to the waterworks, or, as they persist in 
 calling it, " Wasserwerke." This is where the good 
 people of Hamburg took us at eight o'clock next 
 morning. If ever I have a friend come to see me 
 from Hamburg I shall take him off to Battersea at 
 daybreak, and, after breakfast at Kingston, drag him 
 round our " Wasserwerke " at Surbiton and Sunbury. 
 Though the Hamburgers all speak English, their print- 
 ing type has not yet mastered our language, so that 
 in the official programme a pleasant little trip down 
 the river appeared rather formidable and complicated. 
 It was referred to thus: " Ab passagierhallen per 
 lauenburger dampfer." 
 
 We left the Tantallon Castle moored to the 
 "dolphins" off the town, and, in a small steamer, the 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 173 
 
 aforesaid " dampfer," went, to my surprise, down 
 stream to the waterworks. Up or down didn't 
 matter to me, so I set to work to " snap " the whole 
 river as we puffed along to the music of a brass band 
 composed of gentlemen in tall silk hats. 
 
 In addition to the band there were several casks of 
 lager beer, which a German maiden tendered us. 
 The Tantallonians did not come out strong as beer 
 drinkers, but the band in tall hats made up for our 
 shortcomings. Personally I find eight o'clock early 
 to begin beer drinking, unless I start off at four on 
 a cycle trip after breakfasting in the dark on salt 
 bacon. 
 
 They are away ahead of us in petroleum motor 
 boats, numbers of which were to be seen darting 
 about the harbour, and which appeared to be a very 
 serviceable sort of flotilla. 
 
 A small landing-stage opposite the manager's 
 house marks our destination, at which we disembark, 
 the gentlemen of the orchestra preferring to remain 
 with the casks of lager to sharing with us the delights 
 of inspecting the water. In this respect they acted 
 very much as an English orchestra would have done 
 under the circumstances. 
 
 It is due to our British engineers to say that if they 
 are behind hand in the matter of petroleum motors 
 which, by the way, I remember Kyrle Bellew 
 advocating very strongly at the Savage Club years 
 ago we are to the front in regard to waterworks, as 
 I perceived that most of the " plant " bore British 
 firms' names, which always pleases me. Hence I 
 argue that I must be patriotic if I do not possess any 
 other good quality. Those who know what a tremen- 
 dous undertaking it is to supply London with water, 
 and how this business for it is a business has 
 advanced by leaps and bounds, will quite understand 
 
174 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 the wisdom of the Hamburg people in coming to us 
 and copying our water factories at Battersea, etc. One 
 argumentative German would insist upon it that Batter- 
 sea was near the ocean. I told him that it was not, but 
 he said, " Bah ! if it vas not vy call it Batter Sea ? " 
 
 I was criticising the lines of a smart-looking four- 
 masted sailing vessel to Mr Laeisz, the great Hamburg 
 shipowner, as the vessel passed down the Elbe. He 
 listened to my remarks very good naturedly for some 
 time, and then said had he met me before he thought 
 he might had adopted some of my suggestions, as the 
 vessel was his. My mother told me not to make 
 remarks about people when at a party, but she never 
 told me to keep my mouth shut about ships. 
 
 How the sight of a stork on the housetop reminded 
 us of many tales of German and Scandinavian origin. 
 All the party cried out for me to " snap " it. I went 
 up cautiously, and was raising my hat previous to 
 taking its likeness, because photographers are 
 supremely polite, when it doubled up its long legs in a 
 most marvellous way and slid down the other side of 
 the roof, to my discomfiture and the jubilation of the 
 Tantallonians. 
 
 It was very pleasant wandering about the grounds 
 on that lovely summer's day inspecting filters, 
 sieves, and machinery for making the Elbe water 
 palatable. In a small tower, which suggested a place 
 of execution, we were cordially invited to drink some 
 Elbe water, which had been experimented upon, 
 but we drank with even greater reserve than was 
 accorded to the lager beer. Many of our party being 
 in Germany " took the waters," some pretended to be 
 judges, but they did not appear to be able to recollect 
 tasting the liquid before. What I sampled was very 
 much like the brand in our cistern, only rather 
 more so. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 17$ 
 
 After mark you, after and not before being 
 induced to swallow some of the Elbe "wasser" we 
 were taken to another building and shown through 
 microscopes what remarkably fine and varied speci- 
 mens of animalcule the Elbe contained. I understood 
 that this was done to moderate any wild enthusiasm 
 for water, which our recent libations of what was to 
 many of us a new drink, might create. 
 
 After that we changed the subject, and partook of 
 wines, spirits, and cigars, etc., though what cigars have 
 to do with waterworks I don't know, but my inability 
 to reconcile the relevance of these things did not 
 prevent me from enjoying a smoke and a glass of 
 champagne. 
 
 When I examined the animalcukt I thought that 
 I had discovered a German sea-serpent, but it turned 
 out to be my English eyelash which I had been 
 examining microscopically, the water having dried 
 up on the glass, to the discomfort of the insects 
 and the temporary postponement of entomological 
 investigation. 
 
 Time pressed, and we had to get on to the next 
 item, which in the programme was " Rundfahrt durch 
 den Hafen," so we left the animalcule and steamed 
 round about the shipping. The brass band was 
 much appreciated by the wharf labourers, who 
 shouted lustily for music if the musicians showed a 
 too prolonged appreciation of the foaming lager. 
 The band, it will interest musical readers to know, 
 was entirely brass no reed instruments, as we have 
 here which they played remarkably well ; and we 
 gave them hearty applause, which I think I started, 
 being quickly echoed by the others. We thus put 
 them on their mettle, and they did their best. 
 
 Leaving the dampfer we landed in Hamburg, and 
 found forty or fifty very smart pair-horse carriages 
 
i;6 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 with cockade-hatted coachmen in boots and breeches 
 a r Anglais, and, more remarkable still, they all came 
 from one livery stable. In these carriages we were 
 soon clattering through the streets of Hamburg to 
 the Alsterlust, where lunch was awaiting us, and 
 where we all arrived, tired with continual hat raising. 
 I suppose the Prince of Wales becomes accustomed 
 to raising his hat, as a flute player does to holding a 
 flute ; but, if you only play the prince occasionally, it 
 does make your muscles ache. 
 
 Hamburg reminds me of Venice when I saw it, 
 only it is not made entirely of wood and painted 
 canvas, and the Hammersmith busses don't pass the 
 doors. There was a good deal of painted canvas, 
 though, on the Alster Lake when we were there in 
 honour of the Emperor, who was calling on his way 
 to open the canal the following week. This included 
 floating islands, with painted rocks and lighthouses, 
 all illuminated by electricity. 
 
 Hamburg is a very fine city, and the Alster Lake, 
 with tree-shaded streets, and shops that compare with 
 Regent Street along its banks, are sufficient to account 
 for qualities that make a city interesting and beautiful. 
 
 The Alsterlust is a sort of Marlow Hotel, with 
 sailing yachts bringing visitors to lunch. Imagine a 
 lake in Trafalgar Square, and sailing boats bringing 
 up at the Metropole or Morley's landing stage, and 
 you can understand what they have in Hamburg. 
 Half the landing stage was roped off for our party. 
 Mr and Mrs Gladstone joined us here, and after 
 lunch we again had recourse to dampfers, and 
 steamed up the Alster river. 
 
 Our relaxation again took an aqueous form, for this 
 time we went to a christening ; and, as there was 
 only one child, there wasn't enough to go round, so 
 most of us stopped in the Alsterdampfboten ; and, as 
 
AUTHOR PORTRAITURE. (CRUISE G.O.M.) 
 
 What Mrs Gladstone deplored and the Author laughed at. 
 
 Brass Band in Tall Hats. 
 

RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 177 
 
 it came on to pour in torrents, it became Alster damp 
 boating indeed. 
 
 No sooner were we back in the Tantallon Castle 
 than we had to dress and start off to dine at the 
 Zoological Gardens. Whenever I had hitherto 
 associated zoological gardens with feeding it was in 
 the capacity of a looker on, not as a diner out. Mr 
 Gladstone was the lion of our party, but it seemed 
 hardly the thing to put him in a cage, and feed him 
 through the iron bars. I never believed that they 
 would do this, but I waited the development of 
 events. After all, I did have raw meat at the " Zoo," 
 and cut it up on a wooden platter, but I was spared 
 the indignity of being put in a cage. 
 
 In Hamburg banquets they have a speech, and 
 then something to eat, then the next course and 
 another speech, and it entirely depends on the 
 duration of the speakers' remarks whether the viands 
 that follow his oratory are done to a crisp or half 
 cooked. As a rule, the things never suffer by too 
 little cooking. The dinner was kept up from about 
 seven to after midnight, and, I trust, was kept down 
 afterwards ; but they mix things a bit. I and some 
 others were able to go out in the gardens and enjoy 
 the band and sit under the trees, then look in and 
 have a course or hear a speech, and go out again as 
 ve pleased. The speeches were mostly given in 
 English, and, though a trifle too ornate for after or 
 rather, between dinner speeches, they were given 
 with perfect accent and correctness. If ever I 
 give a speech at a zoological gardens in German 
 it will not be found to be too ornate, and the 
 dish after will probably come on the table half 
 cooked. 
 
 If I apologised to a young lady when my chair 
 touched hers, or what not, she would answer in 
 
 M 
 
178 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 English, and seemed to rejoice at having done so. 
 I shall never forget that night at the Hamburg 
 " Zoo," and how well the band played, and how full of 
 conceit the conductor was. I never saw a man who 
 strutted about so. It would be nice to feel for five 
 minutes as completely satisfied with one's self as that 
 man did the whole evening. 
 
 Owing to the downpour the G.O.M. did not go 
 to the Zoological Gardens. He had been to one 
 christening that day, and did not want to take part 
 in another. Much leave taking and health drinking, 
 and in the early hours we all drove back to the 
 Tantallon Castle, and so finished what the official 
 programme called " Freitag, der 14 Juni." 
 
 Sonnabend I took quietly, and lunched on board 
 with Mr Gladstone, as the Tantallon Castle had 
 during the night dropped down the Elbe into a pretty 
 country, leaving the younger ones to " Frlihstuck 
 bei Jacob's " (vide programme) ; and I found that I 
 lost nothing, as the " friihstuck " turned out to be a 
 " friihstuck " on a mud bank in their small steamer 
 opposite Jacob's, where, while enjoying the pangs of 
 hunger, those who went " friihstucking " could see 
 on shore the decorated tables of Herr Jacob's hotel 
 groaning under the weight of luxuries, with which 
 they were prodigally encumbered, while idle waiters 
 stood ready to serve the collation, to which, owing to 
 their stranded condition, the famished visitors could 
 not do justice. They on the small steamer discovered 
 that, though the tide waits for no man, it compels 
 both men and women to wait for it, as on that mud 
 bank they had to remain till it was time to return to 
 the Tantallon Castle to dinner. In despair a gentle- 
 man gallantly endeavoured to push the steamer off 
 with a new silk umbrella, which to this- day remains 
 stuck in the mud bank, an evidence of how brave 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 179 
 
 men are rewarded, and of the uncertainty of human 
 plans and desires. 
 
 The run on the bank to which I have referred 
 reminds me of an excursion I took as a lad in a 
 steamer, which, by a strange lack of good navigation, 
 ran right on to a sand bank. I had drawn the 
 captain's attention to this long before we reached it. 
 At the time we congratulated ourselves on the fact 
 that it was a dead calm, and that, as the tide, 
 after ebbing, would again rise, we should be able 
 to return home in safety. I have wondered since 
 whether this was entirely accident, or whether the 
 knowledge that the whole of the passengers would 
 be obliged to take their meals on board, and the 
 steamer being saved about six hours' coal, had not 
 something to do with this accident ; also, whether the 
 run on the mud bank did not allow Jacob's, which is 
 a suspicious though a biblical name, to retain the 
 lunch he had been paid to supply, plus Paddon's 
 silk umbrella. 
 
 When the famished " friihstuckers " came home 
 from their mud lark they found the Tantallon Castle 
 gay with bunting, as that evening we returned the 
 hospitality we had partaken at the "Zoo" and the 
 " wasserwerke." 
 
 We had our food first and speeches afterwards at 
 our banquet, so the chefs from the Savoy, where most 
 of them are trained before being engaged on the 
 Castle Liners, were able to do justice to their culinary 
 art. We were all dressed and on deck in good time, 
 looking out for our guests with our glasses, and, long 
 before they arrived, we could see the Ariadne steaming 
 down the Elbe, decorated like a bridegroom and 
 filled with all the best looking women and the most 
 important men in Hamburg. The weather was again 
 lovely, and it was a pretty sight to see the crowds of 
 
ISO RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 guests in evening dress leave the small steamer and 
 come aboard that beautiful Castle Liner. What a 
 banquet it was ! Every cabin was utilised, and 
 English and German nobility did not disdain second- 
 class accommodation so that our German friends 
 might have the saloon. After the banquet we had 
 speeches, and one by Mr Gladstone "made in 
 Germany," which we cheered as though we were in 
 a police court. On deck the Scotch piper boys then 
 played their bagpipes a form of melody I have not 
 found my musical studies endear me to then they 
 danced reels and flings, and I am not sure but that 
 Sir Donald did also. If he refrained it was not from 
 lack of activity, but from a sense of the dignity of his 
 position, for age seems to affect him as little as a 
 white wig would a lively schoolboy. As a matter of 
 fact, he and Mrs Gladstone were as full of animal 
 spirits as the youngest of us. After the dancing, etc., 
 the saloon having been arranged, I gave an entertain- 
 ment to our German guests, and I might have been 
 amusing an English audience, as far as being under- 
 stood was concerned, the "Ganthony's Grotesques" 
 and the double-handed drawing rather surprising 
 them. 
 
 What cheers we gave them as they disembarked 
 and, in the Ariadne, steamed back to Hamburg in 
 the cool of a starry midnight. r We turned in tired, 
 having carried through the Hamburg programme. 
 During the hours of slumber we weighed anchor, and, 
 when we came down to breakfast next morning, 
 discovered that we were passing the Elbe gates of 
 the Kiel Canal. Being still shut, we went round 
 Denmark, past the Cattergat and Skaggerack, which I 
 had never heard of since my school days. We went 
 about Europe as one does about London in a 
 hansom. Instead of saying, "Drive to the Savoy 
 
feANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. iSl 
 
 Hotel," Sir Donald would say, " Go to Copenhagen 
 and we will call on the King and Queen." 
 
 On Sunday we had lovely weather, as we had had 
 all the voyage, and we continued making record 
 passages, the Tantallon Castle being a much larger 
 steamer than those which usually make this trip. 
 The distant church bells reminded us, as we steamed 
 out of the Elty that it was Sunday. We had services 
 on board, which the Rev. Harry Drew conducted with 
 a flag-covered desk for a pulpit. 
 
 The entrance to Copenhagen is very impressive. 
 Passing the islands of Laeso and Anholt we saw, 
 between Elsinore and Helsingberg, Hamlet's Castle 
 of Kronberg. - But the endless horizon of low-lying 
 land scarcely justified Horatio's alarm about the 
 ghost leading Hamlet " to the dreadful summit of 
 the cliff that beetles o'er his base into the sea," which 
 would be as difficult to find as that particular spot in 
 the tropics in which Pinero, in one of his plays, makes 
 a returned officer say, " The twilight lingers." 
 
 As the King of Denmark has just had a magnificent 
 free dock built at Copenhagen, and he asked that it 
 should be made known, I refer to it to please him, 
 and also to please those of my yachting friends who 
 are wise enough to visit Copenhagen. The Tantallon 
 Castle, which is dearly 6000 tons register, moored 
 alongside the open quay, where the depth of water is 
 about twenty-six feet and the tide is stationary, being 
 only affected by the wind, when it rises and falls a 
 few inches. 
 
 The Museum of Antiquities contains the most in- 
 teresting collection of curious furniture I have ever seen. 
 This and the Thorwaldsen Museum we had specially 
 opened for us on the Tuesday and Wednesday. 
 
 One day, returning to lunch, we saw a lot of red- 
 coated coachmen driving back from the steamer, and, 
 
182 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 though we could not speak Danish, we understood 
 that the King was on board ; and, being late, we 
 hurried into our frock coats and then into the saloon. 
 The gentleman who sat next me was formerly the 
 British Consul at Copenhagen, and was known to the 
 Royal party. When they entered, one of the princes 
 took my seat, so as to be near him, and I had no 
 alternative but to accept one amongst our princely 
 visitors or go without lunch. For a person of my 
 description I was in very respectable company the 
 King (who looks like an English gentleman), and 
 Queen of Denmark (one of the gentlest, sweetest 
 ladies it would be possible to meet), Prince Hans 
 (the King's brother), the Crown Prince and Princess, 
 the Prince and Princess Waldemar, the British 
 Ambassador and the Danish Prime Minister, Sir 
 Cuthbert Quilter, Sir Baden Powell (who took notes 
 of sketching entertainment on his shirt cuff at Kiel), 
 and many others. 
 
 After lunch we had speeches from Sir Donald, 
 whose oratory always delights me, except when he 
 prefaces my entertainments, and, to my discomfi- 
 ture, leaves me to make my opening address in 
 some other manner. But I forgive him, for I 
 never had a kinder host in all my experience. Then 
 Mr Gladstone made a magnificent speech. Men 
 who had listened to him for twenty years in the 
 House said that he never did anything finer. He 
 had a splendid opportunity, of which he took every 
 advantage. We had in that saloon of the Tantallon 
 Castle at Copenhagen the mother and father of our 
 Princess of Wales, a gathering of political and other 
 notabilities; and, what was more, they were mostly 
 British subjects away in a foreign land. The Grand 
 Old Man looked one, as he alluded to the affection 
 of our people for the daughter of our honoured 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 183 
 
 guests ; and so eloquently was this theme pressed 
 home that the whole company was visibly affected. 
 The King had more difficulty in replying from excess 
 of emotion than from lack of language, though he 
 put this forward as a plea for his shortcomings, which 
 were not observable. He said, " I have a difficulty in 
 replying in English " to which I added in one of my 
 articles, " and to such English." Mr Gladstone's 
 oratory would have warranted the King in saying 
 this, and he would probably have said it had he 
 thought of it. 
 
 I happened to be walking by the side of the Queen 
 of Denmark when her dress touched a violin bow 
 belonging to one of the stewards in the band. The 
 bow fell on the deck. She not only apologised, but 
 stopped and pointedly inquired of the man whether 
 she had done any injury ? It is no wonder that a 
 nation is so courteous when their Queen sets them 
 such an example. 
 
 When our Royal guests had departed, the multitude 
 that came down to see the King and Queen and 
 the Tantallon Castle were admitted on board, and 
 thousands spent the afternoon rambling over the 
 ship and trying to explain to us how they admired it. 
 They were supplied with tea, for Sir Donald has 
 nothing to do with half-hearted hospitality. Where 
 the dainties all came from on board that steamer 
 surprised me almost as much as where they went to. 
 They estimated the number of visitors who came on 
 board (exclusive of Royalty and myself) to be about 
 30,000. This was ascertained by the depth the 
 steamer sank in the water. 
 
 We had a lot of fun in Copenhagen, where the 
 stores are called Lagers, and in many cases there is 
 no means of knowing from the outside what they 
 sell ; though the term " lager " suggests liquid refresh- 
 
184 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 ment. Meeting Melton Prior, and not having spoken 
 English for at least ten minutes, I stopped him, when 
 he informed me that he was thirsty a not unusual 
 occurrence with any of us, owing, I believe, to the 
 salt air unavoidable on a sea trip. Over a shop near 
 us was written, " Ringgriber-Symaskine Lager," which 
 looked like something to drink, as further commercial 
 literature underneath said, " i Klasses Symaskine fra 
 35 Kroners." It seemed a good price for one glass 
 of symaskiner, but we thought we would try one 
 between us, as it looks so foolish not to know 
 the customs and drinks of a country you visit. We 
 went into the store and ordered a glass of symaskiner, 
 and they brought us a sewing machine ! " i Klasses " 
 meaning 1st class, not " one glass," as we supposed, 
 and " Ringgriber-Symaskine Lager " stood for sewing 
 machine stores. We left thirstier than ever, grieving 
 to think how strangers are taken in and deceived in 
 a foreign land. 
 
 Why is it that directly a vessel reaches port the 
 first thing the passengers do, who have been eating 
 to repletion during the voyage, is to hurry off to the 
 nearest restaurant and order whatever meal the time of 
 day warrants them in eating? I had hardly begun to 
 enjoy the delights of abstinence when I met a party 
 from the ship who insisted on my going wi f h them to 
 " I Alster-Boulevard-Pavillonen I Tivoh " to have 
 something " a la carte og Frokostretter forefindes," as 
 far as I can remember, after a lapse of two years. 
 After feasting, we went to the Tivoli, which is next 
 door, and which is claimed, and I should say rightly 
 so, to be the most famous of all Tivolis. The patrons 
 of amusement on the Continent want plenty for their 
 money, and they get it at the Copenhagen Tivoli, 
 as the charge for some fifteen entertainments, 
 beginning at four o'clock and continuing until about 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 185 
 
 eleven o'clock, is ten ore (about ninepence), and when 
 this includes * c Glimrende Illumination af Parkens 
 Alleer, Portaler Bazaren, and Udstillingsbygningen og 
 Labyrinten," and other things,no reasonable person can 
 complain that the management is not liberality itself. 
 
 What they promise on the programme, whether 
 pictorial or otherwise, they are bound to give you on 
 the Continent, which rule, by the way, would curb the 
 wild imagination of some of our circus poster artists, 
 and though they might promise me anything in the 
 Danish language without my being conscious of 
 being swindled, I saw enough for ninepence to allay 
 all doubts on the subject of treachery as regards the 
 fulfilment of their picture bill promises. 
 
 We saw part of a music hall performance in a 
 building about twice the size of our Strand Tivoli, 
 where an English troupe gave us what the directors 
 called " Luftgymnastikerselskabet." Is there a music 
 hall director in London who could find a name like 
 that for an artiste's turn ? I think not. From the 
 music hall we wandered through the woods to a lake 
 on which floated a galleon from whose 'tween decks 
 came the sounds of music from a guitar and mandoline. 
 They were very sweet heard across the water. While 
 listening to the music on this floating vessel you could 
 ha /e refreshment on board, but as this was no 
 novelty to sea dogs such as we were, we only looked 
 at the others eating from our position on shore. 
 Attracted by lights which we saw through the trees, we 
 wandered on and came to a large concert saloon even 
 more crowded, if that were possible, than the music 
 hall. It was an orchestral concert pure and simple, 
 and men with their wives and families sat together 
 and enjoyed the evening. As it is perhaps expected 
 of me to compare foreign entertainments with those 
 at home, I do not like to leave this concert without 
 
1 86 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 referring to the quality of the music this working-class 
 audience enjoyed. 
 
 We heard a piece by Grieg, for strings, a selection 
 for the entire orchestra from Wagner's " Lohengrin," 
 also from Moszkowsky, Gounod, and Weber. These 
 people who listened to such high-class music could 
 have gone to the music hall for their ninepence 
 instead had they liked, but they did not, and this 
 shows as clearly as anything that the public are not 
 all of one mind, and that the variety stage does 
 not prove itself the embodiment of all attrac- 
 tions to the amusement-loving public if they are 
 offered their choice of something more refined, as 
 they were at the Tivoli, Copenhagen. Having 
 sampled this concert we again wandered through the 
 woods of the grounds, which seemed without end, 
 and came across an open-air theatre which was 
 called the " Peacock," because a huge bird, supposed 
 to be of that breed, spread its tail across the 
 proscenium and constituted the act drop. The show 
 closed when it opened its tail, as, when it did this and 
 put away its head as though for slumber, the audience 
 knew that all was over for the night, and, taking the 
 bird's hint, went to roost themselves. 
 
 After the Peacock Theatre we found yet another 
 concert hall in full operation, at which we listened to 
 what they called "Udtog af Op Mikadoen," by Arthur 
 Sullivan, which reminded me of " The Mikado." 
 They had also "The British Patrol Marche," by 
 N. O. Body, which, I fancy, was a joke of the 
 conductor's, whose name, " George Lumbye," had an 
 English flavour, as had his programme, which 
 included the works of Balfe, Wallace, Godfrey, and 
 the conductor himself. 
 
 The matter proffered at the open-air Peacock 
 Theatre was of the grotesque pantomimic order; 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 187 
 
 that at the music hall was slipshod and halting in 
 comparison with the prompt way in which turns are 
 disposed of at our best halls. The lack of attention 
 to what is being done on the stage is far greater in 
 Copenhagen than it is even with us, and that is bad 
 enough. Women with their children crying, the 
 entrance of a party of young Danes who are 
 immediately saluted with " Hoch ! hoch ! " by their 
 friends, who rise to great them, the clatter of beer 
 glasses, etc., all interrupt the performance and make 
 those on the stage often take more interest in what 
 is going on in the auditorium than in what they are 
 doing to entertain the audience. Entertainment given 
 under such conditions becomes dreary and uninterest- 
 ing to those who wish to enjoy an exhibition of talent. 
 
 I would not think of performing at a Copenhagen 
 music hall, though I would at a London one, for the 
 sake of setting the taste as far as lay in my 
 power, for something better. These gardens this 
 prodigality of amusement at a low charge has been 
 going on for a long time abroad, though we are only 
 now adopting it at home at Earl's Court, etc., and, 
 in a perhaps greater degree, at our northern seaports. 
 Having had for our ten ore a good ninepenny worth 
 of dissipation, we took flys and returned rather late 
 to the Tanlallon Castle. 
 
 The shops in Copenhagen can hardly be called 
 wholesale, as they are divided at about the height of 
 my watch-chain horizontally, which plan I rather 
 liked, as it was often possible to feast my eyes on 
 beautiful art draperies in the top shop while the 
 rising fumes from the lower one entranced my 
 nostrils with an odour of smoked fish being fried, or 
 the boiling fragrance of the blushing shrimp. 
 
 When a cab is standing at ease the cabby undoes 
 the traces of the horse, which often results in there 
 
1 88 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 being no traces of the horse when he returns from the 
 public-house, to which he goes just as I have seen 
 cabmen do in London. The horses there are not 
 allowed to swing a bag of fodder up in the air every 
 time they want a mouthful of food as with us, to the 
 damage of any new silk hats that are passing, but 
 are made to eat off tables which the cabby carries for 
 the purpose. 
 
 Our visit to a water circus terminated in a manner 
 that is more amusing to read of afterwards than it 
 was to experience at the time of actual occurrence. 
 At an aquatic circus at all events in Denmark you 
 sit rather below the arena, and enjoy the performance 
 by looking over the ring partition. This, as we had 
 no option of doing anything else, we did. The per- 
 formance commenced by the rapid entrance of a lot 
 of water down a chute to appropriate strains of music 
 from the band. This was followed by a swan, which 
 walked until the increasing flood knocked it over, 
 when it took to swimming, and twisting round and 
 round with the eddies, arrived, looking very much 
 astonished, in the centre of the rapidly-filling ring. 
 This was followed by the entrance of a young lady 
 attired as a water nymph, who floated, with much 
 applause and a good deal of splashing, into the arena ; 
 and just as matters were getting interesting the circus 
 burst, and the water, which nearly drowned us, 
 stranded the nymph, who scrambling to her feet, told 
 us not to be alarmed ; but as she spoke in Danish her 
 remarks were not so reassuring to the English con- 
 tingent as they would have been had they been 
 understood. The girl and the swan, I think, felt more 
 awkward without the water than we did with it, which 
 is saying a good deal. As the water went out by the 
 extra exits in case of fire, and wandered about the 
 streets of Copenhagen, we picked our way on the 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 189 
 
 arms of the stall seats to the doors, where we arrived, 
 not, as a rule, without occasional immersions. There 
 was a natural inquiry on board as to what kind of an 
 entertainment we had come back from to be soaked 
 to the knees ? We didn't tell them ; next time I 
 sample a circus I shall take it, like my wine dry. 
 
 A good many of us had our cycles on board, which 
 enabled us to see more of the place than we could 
 have done otherwise. At BernstorT where the King 
 resides the Royal Family were very kind in showing 
 us the grounds. The first English that I saw " here in 
 Denmark" was a bill about " Charley's Aunt," which 
 was that night being played at the " Folke Theatre," 
 the first home-like language being the name of my 
 old friend, Brandon Thomas, as author; the second 
 over a clockmaker's, was " Time is money." 
 
 The chief item in our outing, namely, the opening 
 of the Kiel Canal, was what, if my memory serves 
 me, our Oliver Cromwell tried ; as did Wallenstein 
 years before, but circumstances compelled these 
 gentlemen to leave the consummation of the idea to 
 the present Emperor of Germany. 
 
 About mid-day on the following Wednesday we 
 cast anchor in Kiel bay, at the spot buoyed for our 
 reception, where we had a splendid view of the war- 
 ships, which had all taken up their positions before we 
 arrived. 
 
 In the afternoon, at Sir William Ingram's invita- 
 tion, I accompanied a select party up the bay in his 
 steam yacht, the Osprey, which had come over in- 
 dependently of us, and was at hand very opportunely, 
 as the tugs ordered had not put in an appearance. 
 We had a lovely run among the war vessels of the 
 various nations there assembled. We were passing 
 the Re Umberto, the Italian man-of-war, when some 
 marines put out from her in a steam cutter. The man 
 
I9O RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. ' 
 
 at the tiller was drinking a bottle of chiante, and in 
 his anxiety to cover his act of libation from the 
 officers on board his ship, paid but little attention to 
 where the cutter was going, and in consequence ran 
 into the Osprey broadside on ; but the Osprey, being 
 a stout, sea-going boat, didn't mind it in the least, and 
 gave the Italian the worst of the encounter. As the 
 cutter struck us just where Mr Gladstone was sitting, 
 it was a good thing that he was grown up, or he 
 might have had his hand hanging overboard, as 
 children do. When the danger was over everybody 
 wanted to do something, but the Grand Old Man 
 scarcely took his attention off the vessels we were 
 passing. The cutter was promptly recalled to the Re 
 Vmberto by the officers, who, no doubt, recognised 
 me through the glasses they levelled at us, if they 
 failed to notice Mr Gladstone. There was a good 
 deal of banging of guns, and, as though to return fire, 
 we had a tremendous thunderstorm in the evening, 
 which for noise more than equalled anything made by 
 the vessels, and did, I believe, much more damage to 
 the surrounding country than all their blank cartridges 
 put together. 
 
 The following day I found myself alone on deck 
 with the G.O.M., he preferring to read, and I wishing 
 to get a water colour sketch for my study, as the black 
 and white pictures in the illustrated papers, though 
 life-like, give no idea of the varied colours of the 
 vessels and the effect of the bunting they displayed. 
 
 It was " accession " day, or, as one gentleman from 
 South Africa called it, " ascension " day, which was 
 not exactly the same thing. The sight-seers having 
 gone off in small steamers to look at what they had 
 seen the day before, with variations, I surrounded 
 myself with iced drinks, cigars, and my sketching 
 paraphernalia, and then, after a sip and a puff at my 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. IQI 
 
 cigar, ensconsed myself on a deck chair under the 
 awning and settled down to work. Mr Gladstone's 
 preparations for work were completed when he 
 removed his coat. In his shirt sleeves he soon became 
 engrossed in a large tome, I believe of Greek. It was 
 a piping hot morning, remember, and we, like the 
 boy, " stood on the burning deck whence all but he 
 had fled," though we sat under the awning. 
 
 As I had about completed my sketch, the fleet 
 began firing a salute to Her Majesty, commencing 
 with a few bangs that would have broken a Southsea 
 shop window, whereupon Mr Gladstone looked up 
 from his book and said, " What a dreadful noise ! " 
 It was not a long speech for him, but mine was still 
 shorter, for I replied, " It is," as it was useless to 
 argue the point- All this banging sent columns of 
 smoke along the water, which I dashed into my 
 sketch with body colour, and it was as well I did not 
 delay doing so, as a little later the bay became so 
 thick with smoke that I could see nothing, whilst the 
 banging made the pursuit of painting or any peaceful 
 occupation impossible. 
 
 Amid the tumult I heard a band playing under our 
 stern, and happening to look over the taffrail I saw 
 the Ariadne filled with our friends from Hamburg, 
 just as Mr Merrilees ran up on deck and, anticipating 
 me, told Mr Gladstone, when we three gave them the 
 warmest greetings our small numbers permitted. 
 
 \Ye had visits from the British naval officers, and a 
 very fine set of fellows they were courteous and 
 deferential to everyone. They did not appear to 
 consider that we had much to learn from other 
 nations in naval matters, and I expect their modestly 
 expressed views are not far from the truth. Our ships 
 seemed distinguished from the others by a duck-like 
 familiarity with the water; they sat upon it as though 
 
IQ2 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 they were perfectly at home. The Italian vessels ran 
 us close in appearance, and these, I understood from 
 a chat I had with Lord Rendel, were designed by his 
 brother. 
 
 The American vessels looked very showy with 
 their gaily painted shields in the bow and white sides, 
 but they had to be tinkered up before they left the 
 bay, and their mongrel crews of all nationalities had 
 the reputation of being an undisciplined, badly- 
 managed set. This is the conclusion to which I was 
 forced to come from the unbiassed testimony of those 
 who visited them and knew what they were talking 
 about. 
 
 I suppose all this booming of cannon was necessary, 
 but it does seem to me that the money the noise costs 
 might be more wisely expended. 
 
 Before going home we went to Sweden. The wild, 
 forbidding character of the coast impressed me very 
 much as we approached it, with its lighthouses that 
 hung on the rocks like larks' cages on the wall of a 
 country cottage. 
 
 We steamed up the river Gotha, but had to wait 
 some miles down for the tender which was to take 
 us up to Gotten burg. She was soon seen bearing 
 down upon us, so well was everything arranged on 
 that trip. At Gottenburg we found lunch awaiting 
 us at the Grand Hotel a Swedish feast that 
 reminded me of the Scandinavian Club in the 
 Strand, where Nordenfeldt, the inventor, was the 
 ruling spirit, and genial Danes and Swedes made 
 such delightful hosts. We helped ourselves at a side 
 table, a plan that certainly saves waiters, and ate all 
 sorts of things which even the shorthand writer, who 
 gave a brief summary of the trip, does not chronicle ; 
 but then he didn't know the names of the professional 
 talent which delighted the company on board for two 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 193 
 
 weeks, so his ignorance of the eatables is compre- 
 hensible. He recognised the Swedish ale, though, 
 but affected not to recognise the oatcake, which, like 
 the merry people who made the fun, was left without 
 record in his calendar of fame. 
 
 Mr Gladstone, though a Scotchman, couldn't finish 
 his oatmeal cake, so I put it in my pocket as a 
 souvenir. I suggested that he should write on it that 
 it was a piece of oatcake which he didn't eat at the 
 Grand Hotel, Gottenburg; but he argued that, so 
 long as I kept possession of the delicacy, any 
 statement from him that he hadn't eaten it was 
 superfluous a fairly witty reply from a gentleman 
 who is supposed to be without any sense of 
 humour. 
 
 By special train we went to see the Trollhaten 
 Rapids, which we reached in about two hours, driving 
 from the station in ramshackle traps, the drivers of 
 which seem to pass each other without any regard to 
 rule first one side, and then the other, which made 
 it not a desirable place for lady cyclists if nervous. 
 The rapids, though more compressed, reminded me 
 of the Niagara before it drops over the horse shoe, 
 and, changing colour, runs down to Lake Ontario. 
 The water power was used for match making, though 
 it struck me that it might be also employed to work 
 an electric railway from Gottenburg, and supply 
 motive power to the steamers which, above the rapids, 
 go on to Stockholm. 
 
 I won't say that we all come from monkeys, but I 
 will say that the Scotch came from Sweden. The 
 bare-footed lassie who took toll at the bridge, with 
 her sandy hair and freckles, was Scotch ; and her talk 
 was Scotch, or second cousin to it. The cleanly-kept 
 cottages were the same that I have seen when cycling 
 from Dundee to the Ochill Hills. The oatmeal 
 
 N 
 
194 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 cakes, smoked fish, etc., all seemed to me to indicate 
 the predecessors of the Northern Britisher. 
 
 I made some purchases with Sir Cuthbert Quilter 
 at Trollhaten, which, though only a village, has more 
 politeness in one shop than you will receive from all 
 the post offices in England where ladies deal out 
 stamps. 
 
 I saw plenty of English names on the iron girders, 
 etc., of the new docks at Gottenburg, which, as Pepys 
 would have said in his " Diary," " pleased me hugely." 
 Our return was illuminated by one of the finest sunsets 
 I ever remember. Before midnight we had doubled 
 the Skaw, and were ploughing the ocean homewards 
 across the North Sea. 
 
 Arrived off Tilbury we received the papers on 
 board, and learnt that Parliament had dissolved or 
 done something interesting, which was a sort of quick 
 act drop on a very remarkable cruise. 
 
 Mr and Mrs Gladstone were the first to leave the 
 steamer, and, as they reached the landing-stage at 
 Tilbury, a fat, vulgar-looking woman, decorated with 
 a much beflowered hat and short gloves and gay 
 cloak, walked forward, made a bob of a curtsey to 
 Mr Gladstone, and shook him by the hand before he 
 could recover from his astonishment, or those about 
 knew what she was doing. Who the old woman was 
 or where she came from no one knew. The welcome 
 to the statesman was a ridiculous one after all he had 
 gone through, but it was the first he received on again 
 setting foot on his native land. 
 
 It has been a matter of pleasure to me to revive 
 the memory of this cruise, and think how everything 
 under Sir Donald Currie's leadership was so perfectly 
 organised and executed, as will be readily understood 
 by those who travel by the Castle Line of steamers, of 
 which he is the chief. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 195 
 
 /iDusfc fmlls. 
 
 MY first experience of a music hall was with a panto- 
 mimic sketch called " Le Reve de Pierrot," over which 
 I spent a lot of time and money in dresses, scenery, etc.,, 
 with the result that when I gave it at the "Trocadero,"* 
 though it secured a " call," it was not engaged. 
 
 The plot, I remember, was whimsical and original : 
 In scene I. the yawning Pierrot lies down on his 
 couch. Scene II. shows a pretty cottage exterior 
 where Pierrot enacts his dream. Entering at the 
 garden gate, Pierrot sees at the cottage window a 
 wooden figure, which the occupant of the cottage, a 
 ventriloquist, had left there. He falls in love with 
 her (for it is a girl), serenades, and is carrying her off 
 when the ventriloquist returns and stops him. Pierrot 
 shows that his intentions are honourable, whereupon 
 consent and blessing are given, and the foolish Pierrot 
 goes off to the church in a state of ecstasy with his 
 wooden bride. I used ventriloquism in the sketch, 
 making the inanimate doll talk, while the living man, 
 who could speak, only indulged in gesticulation. I 
 was told that such a sketch would delight the 
 Parisians ; possibly it might the English do not 
 understand poor Pierrot. 
 
 An incident happened behind the scenes which 
 made us laugh. I had a large St Bernard dogt of mine 
 in the sketch. When the curtain went down he 
 mistook the white face of a clown, who had been 
 standing at the wings, for mine, and ran to him. The 
 man, alarmed, flew to his room with the dog bounding 
 after him, and was kept a prisoner till I arrived. 
 
 * Then a music hall. 
 
 f His portrait, taken by Mr Denny, the actor, will be found in this 
 book. 
 
196 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 My second attempt on the halls was at the Empire, 
 Portsmouth, where I had an offer to entertain for a 
 week. I remember a rather pretty, pale complexioned 
 girl sat opposite me in the carriage going down, 
 reading a book from which her eyes constantly 
 wandered to the scenery through which we were 
 passing. At Guildford she wanted some milk, which 
 I assisted her to obtain. In the fulness of her 
 gratitude she asked me if I would like to read her 
 book, adding, " I can't make much of it." I was a 
 little staggered at the title, which was " Nimshi, being 
 an attempt to solve the problem of the universe, to 
 gage the depths of planetary concretion and open Bab 
 Allah, the gate of God." I asked her where she 
 procured the book, and she informed me that an old 
 lady had given it to her to read in the train. 
 
 To our mutual astonishment we met an hour after- 
 wards at the band rehearsal on the stage of the 
 Empire Theatre. 
 
 " You 'ere ? " she exclaimed ; " why, I thought you 
 was a blooming priest." 
 
 This young lady appeared to know all the gentle- 
 men of the orchestra, and they appeared to know her 
 and the songs she sang also, which I need hardly say 
 were not of the same order of literature as the book 
 she gave me in the train. They were written with a 
 reckless indifference to rhyme or metre ; but what can 
 you expect in the way of lyrics and melody when 
 from three to five shillings is paid for both? The 
 first one she tried was something of this sort : 
 
 I'm a little country maiden, 
 
 My face with smiles is laden, 
 Where the daisies [pronounced dysais] and the buttercups do grow ; 
 
 I goes flirtin' now and then [thin], 
 
 And I don't think that no sin. 
 In the fields where the buttercups do grow. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 197 
 
 These few remarks were emphasised by a lot of 
 high kicking, when her hat was unmercifully banged 
 by her boot, causing an unwonted display of under 
 linen and black stocking, but what relevance these 
 somewhat indelicate gymnastics had to the song is 
 still to me an unfathomable mystery. 
 
 An unmistakable music hall artiste came up to me 
 on the stage and addressed me familiarly with 
 
 " Hullo, Robert ! " 
 
 " Really, I don't think that I know you," I replied. 
 
 " Oh, Robert, don't say that." 
 
 " But I must say it ; I don't remember having seen 
 your face before who introduced you to me ? " 
 
 " Well, we wasn't exactly introduced ; you was 
 pointed out to me on the other side of the York Road" 
 
 The songs which I sung did not exactly "paralyze" 
 the audience, as the slang phrase has it, so I discon- 
 tinued them after the first night and gave selections 
 from my drawing-room entertainment, trying some- 
 thing new each evening, with the result that at the 
 end of the week everyone was re-engaged but myself, 
 of which I was glad. The experience, though amusing 
 as a novelty, I should not care to repeat, my private 
 connection in Southsea being more profitable and 
 certainly more socially agreeable. 
 
 The incongruities a music hall audience will 
 applaud show the poverty of its critical judgment 
 the soldier warrior monologue is an illustration. 
 The scene is a jungle over which an officer is 
 keeping watch why, Heaven only knows, as there 
 is no reason why anyone should attack a swamp. 
 The officer has leisure to sing about his country and 
 his Queen and his being ready to die for both 
 unfortunately, after, and not before, he sings. As 
 all exertion is to be avoided in the tropics the officer, 
 to prove his loyalty, goes through a number of cuts 
 
198 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 and guards, finishing up by a salute to the audience 
 and a desperate attack on the enemy, which is, 
 of course, not there, though if it had been, there 
 would have been very few of them left alive. All 
 this gives the public an admirable idea of our officers' 
 behaviour when on foreign service, and inclines it to 
 bear with cheerfulness its ever-increasing burden of 
 taxation, which is to these glories the unavoidable 
 sequence. 
 
 The ways of the music hall artiste when on 
 pleasure bent are not those which would commend 
 themselves to the fastidious. I remember feeling 
 abashed when a dashing serio-comic began seeing 
 likenesses to Dan Leno and Herbert Campbell 
 in the portraits in Holyrood Palace, or indulged in 
 a little double shuffle behind some old gentleman 
 who was walking in front of her through its stately 
 and historic rooms. 
 
 I joined the variety company in a fishing excursion 
 when at Edinburgh, which, for the fun of the experi- 
 ence, was amusing. Instead of appearing in tights, 
 the two princesses of the slack wire turned up in 
 blouses, skirts, and straw hats. 
 
 Their father, (whom I had previously known as the 
 Demon Equilibrist, referred to as Joe Wilks), the 
 princesses (known as Mary and Jane Wilks respec- 
 tively), Mrs Wilks, who had retired, and a daughter 
 not yet before the public, made up the party. I 
 mention this to give point to a small joke. When 
 it came to settling up, Mr Wilks said in a generous, 
 chivalric, off-hand tone, "We boys will settle up with- 
 out troubling the ladies." By which piece of gallantry 
 he paid nothing for the two princesses of the slack 
 wire, his wife, and youngest daughter, whereas Albert 
 Christian and I, who were unattended, got rather the 
 worst of it. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 199 
 
 In music hall engagements there is no need to 
 know anyone. If you leave after your " turn " you 
 will only have to pass the artiste who precedes and 
 follows you ; the stage you occupy alone. There 
 is more harmony in a variety than in an ordinary 
 theatre, as in a well-arranged programme each per- 
 former has a different class of entertainment and so 
 there is no rivalry, whereas in a theatrical company 
 they are all actors. It is a curious fact that those who 
 give dumb show entertainments on the stage are good 
 linguists from the very nature of their business, 
 which, being without speech, takes them all over the 
 world. 
 
 A conjuror, in order to let the audience know that 
 he had commenced his entertainment, fired several 
 " blanks " from a large revolver. After the first night 
 the "leader" left his seat, saying to me, "I don't 
 mind doing things {or gentlemen, but I'm not going to 
 be hit in the eye with a wad by a chap that can't 
 sound his /Ar." 
 
 I remember when I took a variety company out on 
 a short tour an agent sent a lady serio and dancer. 
 When all the others had run through their business 
 at rehearsal, a woman, whom I supposed was there to 
 scrub the stage, came forward, and explained that she 
 was the " lady serio and dancer," and my heart sank 
 as she did so. She hummed through her songs, 
 beating time with her foot to give the band the 
 tempo at which she required her dances to be played. 
 
 I forgot all about her till it was her turn to come 
 on at night, when she appeared in a short and pretty 
 dress, showing her figure and face, which the dowdy 
 clothes she had worn had completely spoilt. Her 
 singing, and especially her dancing, brought down 
 the house, and she had to take call after call. I 
 complimented her afterwards, and said that I was 
 
200 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 a little disappointed when I first saw her. " Nobody 
 bothers me if I dress shabbily," she said ; " and 
 then, you see, I am saving up my money to buy 
 a laundry." This struck me as very funny, but it 
 appeared more reasonable when I heard her history. 
 She had been trained by her parents to dance from a 
 mere child, and made to perform for the money she 
 could earn them, so that by the time she was thirty- 
 five she had had enough of a life for which she never 
 had any inclination. When I last heard of her she 
 had her laundry, and was doing very well with it. 
 She was happy in following an occupation which was 
 congenial. 
 
 There was a man who, with his sister and his wife, 
 gave a dangerous trapeze performance. He was a 
 handsome man, and the ladies were beautifully 
 formed and handsome women. I asked him if he 
 didn't fear an accident through failing to catch the 
 bars or each other's hands, as they ran the risk night 
 after night. He said, " Yes ; any evening, if we are a 
 little out of health, or our nerves are a bit off, or what 
 not, we may get maimed for life. I thought of that, 
 and have bought a hotel which my mother looks after 
 when we are engaged, and which is always ready for 
 us to go to." I am happy to record that, having been 
 pretty well all over the world, they are now, with 
 sound limbs, in the enjoyment of well-earned retire- 
 ment if following the business of hotel-keeping can 
 be so called. 
 
 The general public are not aware of the large sums 
 of money these dangerous performances command 
 and rightly command for these artistes have not so 
 many years during which they can give exhibitions 
 demanding such physical exertions. It is an absolute 
 condition of all such business that the artistes live 
 as men do in training. Any idea that they drink, 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 2OI 
 
 smoke, dissipate, or live irregular lives is of course 
 absurd. I have never seen the cruelty so dilated 
 upon by novelists in training children. If a lad does 
 not love and take pride in his work he will never 
 make an acrobat by the employment of a whip to 
 his back, and such a lad would only waste a trainer's 
 time. Plenty of lads like such a life, and no man need 
 bother with a boy who has no ambition to succeed. 
 
 From St Helens one Sunday I went with Charles 
 Coborn to Prescot to hear the " Messiah." It was 
 given by amateurs who filled the steam road car 
 that took us there. A 'cello lay upon the coals at 
 one end of the car, and the girls and young men 
 who sat around all had singing parts, or carried 
 instruments. Before going to the schoolroom, 
 where the afternoon service was held, as we had 
 had no lunch, we went into the public-house on 
 alighting, and secured two meat pies and two 
 glasses of ale. The pies the landlord had intended 
 for his own consumption, and they did credit to his 
 judgment. I had a second glass of ale, for it was a 
 hot afternoon ; but just as Coborn was going to follow 
 my example a policeman appeared and no more 
 drink was allowed to be served. 
 
 Following the stream of girls who were going to sing 
 " Unto us a Son is born," we found the schoolroom and 
 took a seat at the end. It was very pleasant there with 
 a nice breeze blowing through the room. The young 
 people sang and played very well, which struck me as 
 very creditable to the dwellers in that Lancashire town. 
 During a short address by the preacher from Liver- 
 pool, he said, to our alarm, " I see humbly seated at 
 the back that two beloved brothers from Ashton-in- 
 Makersfield, who promised to give us the light of 
 their countenances, are here, and I shall now ask them 
 to take my place, and perhaps one brother will give 
 
202 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 a short address and the other will close the meeting 
 with a few words and a benediction." I have always 
 had an idea that more could be made of the oppor- 
 tunities which the pulpit offered, and I suggested to 
 Coborn that I should give them an address ; but he is 
 not a humourist on Sundays, and dissuaded me so 
 that when an emissary came and sounded us on the 
 subject we told him that we were not clergymen, but 
 music hall artistes, and, seeing the possibilities of a 
 small advertisement, we gave our cards. The 
 discourse he afterwards gave dwelt on the merits of 
 Shakespeare, and made special reference to Mark 
 Antony. This was the nearest he could get to 
 Ganthony, which, being absolute fact, will probably 
 be doubted. They wanted very little to clear the 
 debt for which the oratorios had been organised. A 
 pound from each of us added to the collection, I think 
 cancelled the debt, and left a favourable impression 
 on that preacher's mind of the music hall performer. 
 A request from the preacher that those living in 
 Prescot should each take to their homes some of those 
 who had come from St Helens to play and sing and 
 give them some tea and see to them till the evening 
 service, resulted in an allotment of musicians to the 
 audience as it passed out till all were disposed of. We 
 were offered a welcome to one cottage, which we 
 gratefully declined. 
 
 A letter received from a miner addressed, " Mister 
 Manager, Esquire," was amusing and much funnier 
 than I am able to recall it. 
 
 MISTER MANAGERE, I hev decided to go on the staige as I doant 
 want to be underground no more, and sein as I maun do summat, lad, 
 for a lifin ; I arsk thee to gie me a job as singer in compeney at St 
 Helens. A urly anser be aprisheated, lad, for I be a fairish singer I tell 
 the, lad, but I carrnt be no more underground. 
 
 The miner is still underground, however, and will 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 2O$ 
 
 probably remain there till he dies and long after- 
 wards. 
 
 The love of clog-dancing in the North is amazing. 
 
 In their private competitions the judges sit under the 
 
 floor, and, listening, count -the toe taps, awarding the 
 
 prizes by sense of hearing, and not sight, which seems 
 
 a curious way of judging dancing. 
 
 I have found in sketches which I have written for 
 others that good work has been more effective than 
 the drivel and cheap sentiment I wonder any 
 manager permits. In a sketch, "All for Dolly," which 
 I wrote for Evelyn Hughes, a child gives a doll her 
 recollections of a music hall. From Brighton to 
 Aberdeen this monologue was a remarkable success. 
 1 last saw it given at a pantomime at the first 
 named town without the slightest acknowledgment, 
 in fact, as though the author of the pantomime had 
 written it. 
 
 A wire walker at the Empire, Newcastle, among 
 other dangerous things he did on the wire, carried 
 his wife across on his back. An interesting family 
 event, from which not even wire walkers are exempt, 
 deprived this gentleman of his wife's services. This 
 would have lost him a profitable tour, which had 
 taken him some time to book, had not another wire 
 walker lent him his wife, who performed the same 
 acts as the young mother would have done, including 
 being carried across the wire. When they had taken 
 their nightly call they just said "good night" and 
 hurried off, she with her husband, and he to his 
 wife. 
 
 The little interrupter of the wife's professional 
 duties would be taken down to the theatre by the 
 maid, and placed where the mother could see it in its 
 mail cart. After removing her skirt and donning a 
 pair of practice shoes, she would seize a Japanese 
 
204 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 umbrella, and on the wire, fitted a few feet from 
 the stage, by hours of practice regain the balance 
 and confidence she had lost in the cause of 
 maternity. 
 
 I often saw her, as I used to fasten my drawing 
 papers in the morning, so as to have them ready in 
 the evening. In the middle of her practice the baby, 
 attracted by the bright colours which the sun shining 
 through the umbrella made, stretched out its little 
 hands towards her, when she flung aside the umbrella 
 and was instantly kneeling by its side kissing it, 
 forgetting that she was a wire walker in her delight 
 at being a mother ; and so it is, under all the glitter, 
 beneath all the spangles, Nature, Nature, and still 
 everywhere Nature. 
 
 H. &. <L 
 
 THE A mateur B icycle C lub, of which I am 
 proud of being an original member, was started in 
 1871, a few days before the "Pickwick," and is 
 therefore the oldest cycling club in existence. We 
 were, in the old days, even more rational in our 
 habits than English ladies are to-day. We had our 
 annual race meeting, but at other times we rode 
 leisurely, and sympathised with each other's pursuits. 
 If an entomologically inclined member perceived a 
 rare specimen of a spider in the road bank, we all, as 
 a matter of course, assisted in the chase till the insect 
 was captured and added to his collection. Those who 
 were botanists enjoyed the same sympathy. I was 
 allowed to make a sketch, or Custance to change his 
 singlet, an amusement in which he delighted whenever 
 the country afforded him a retiring room consistent 
 with his universally admitted modesty. In the 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 20$ 
 
 archives of the club there are sketches of our worthy 
 chief performing this graceful act of hygienic toilette 
 which would be reproduced here but that they are 
 too sacred to be submitted to the present genera- 
 tion of riders, who have no reverence for the cycle 
 of time. 
 
 We dined at Mr Henry Custance's rooms, then at 
 the Middlesex Hospital, and formed ourselves into a 
 club, after which others started arraying themselves 
 in uniforms and forming in twos, fours, etc., to bugle 
 calls, which was all very well, but we never aspired 
 to be an amateur cycle cavalry, or play at soldiers on 
 wheels. My original acquaintance with the A. B. C. 
 was before I went to the States, and was renewed 
 lately through the club engaging me professionally 
 at one of their annual dinners, when I asked to be 
 re-elected by members now middle-aged, whom I had 
 known as young men. 
 
 So many people ride cycles now, and they have 
 become so easy and respectable, that the purpose of a 
 club has died out, as companions can always be found, 
 and riding in company is no longer the rarity it was. 
 This is demonstrated in the A. B. C., for, though we 
 have the most delightful runs on paper, I have never 
 seen anyone turn up at the club meets. I smoked 
 two cigars under the shady trees comfortably seated 
 outside the " Bear " at Esher, and did the same at the 
 " Star and Garter," Richmond, and as a majority can 
 alter the arranged route, and I was alone, I did so and 
 rode home. We had one meet on our lawn to which 
 our secretary came in a hansom, but that day there 
 was excuse, for it poured in torrents. Three men 
 turned up at the Rev. W. d'A. Crofton's house at 
 Standon, Herts. I rode from Richmond, as I should 
 have done in the old days, but the other two, Herbert 
 Canning (captain) and Henry N. Custance (hon. 
 
206 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 secretary and treasurer), took the train to within five 
 minutes' ride from the house. In consequence they 
 arrived much fresher and cooler than I did, which is 
 manifique, but it is not the gear. 
 
 Cycling in the past 
 
 WHEN my father was eighteen over sixty years ago 
 he had a cycle built by a coachbuilder named 
 Oxborrow, at Saxmundham, on which he performed 
 the then unheard of feat of riding to London in a day. 
 The velocipede was built like a coach with a solid 
 high splash board upon which the cyclist leaned, 
 while, half standing, half sitting, he worked directly on 
 the treadles beneath him steering the machine by an 
 upright lever at his side. The building of the 
 machine caused local gossip, and my father found 
 himself interviewed by the East Anglian and the 
 Ipswich Express before he started. The journey 
 was recorded in most of the London papers, so great 
 a novelty was it then considered. Now he flies down 
 to Brighton in a few hours and no notice is taken of 
 him except by some yokel who says, " Oi say, Meister, 
 doan't you think it be time th' gived oop ? " 
 
 When my father was preparing to get on his 
 machine at Saxmundham he found that the crank 
 was at a dead centre, so he backed it. 
 
 "That ain't the way to London," the crowd 
 shouted. 
 
 " No," he replied, u but it's the way to start," and 
 left them pondering over his retort as they watched 
 him disappear down the road. 
 
 In the old days, an indiarubber band round the 
 tyre was looked upon as an interesting innovation 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 2O? 
 
 among us, as we all had iron tyres. We had then to 
 jump on to our saddles, which were set on a long steel 
 spring, nearly as long as the machine, and heavy 
 enough to be used on a locomotive, for weight seemed 
 to be of no consequence in those days when the cycle 
 was ornamented with solid iron leg rests and a curling 
 prow weighing pounds. The power was misdirected 
 and the strain on the hands so great that we had to 
 unbend our fingers when we stopped for food before 
 we could hold a knive and fork. 
 
 At the towns and villages, I remember, on my first 
 long journey, which was to Weston-super-Mare and 
 back, the people collected to see us start, the doubt 
 among them being as to how we kept the cycles from 
 tumbling over sideways. 
 
 In those days the public jeered at cyclists because 
 they did not go faster, now they fine them in batches 
 for going too fast ! and now, if an accident happens to 
 a motor car, the mob stand and scoff, laugh, and 
 jeer, though an omnibus accident on the other side of 
 the way does not raise a smile. The stupendous 
 folly consists, in my judgment, in allowing vehicles, 
 which are drawn by easily frightened animals who 
 tear up streets, and make them filthy and unhealthy, 
 at the same time that they double the length of the 
 vehicle ; but as long as magistrates talk, and writers 
 write such absolute nonsense about cycles, how is it 
 to be expected that civic rulers the less gifted masses 
 can wipe out the stains of precedent from their 
 memories and look at future locomotion with minds 
 not hampered by tradition \ 
 
 At one time the public thought it amusing to 
 allow guards of coaches to throw weights, attached to 
 strings, at passing cycles, and throw the riders in the 
 road ; capital fun, which deserved, in my opinion, 
 capital punishment. 
 
2O8 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 Every year brought out an entirely new bicycle. 
 I remember buying a " Phantom " which steered 
 with both wheels, the handle bar turning both, which 
 was no practical advantage, as most of the work to 
 be done was straight ahead. This machine, however, 
 introduced the wire-hung wheels instead of the 
 wooden wheels with iron tyres. The next I had, I 
 think, was made by Beck the optician, and was a 
 forerunner of the pneumatic, the tyre being solid 
 indiarubber threaded on to a steel circular rod which 
 clinched it on to a grooved rim. This machine rode 
 very easily over rough roads but soon tired one. I 
 had a large front wheel machine made, as I saw that 
 by doing so I should go further for each turn of the 
 crank. When I returned from abroad I found this 
 pattern in vogue. The man who invented the 
 present back wheel gear rode his machine about and 
 swore by it, but it was not till his patent was lost 
 through his inability to keep it up that the 
 manufacturers copied his model and made fortunes 
 which he too, I believe, has done since, but not with 
 cycles. 
 
 Those who write about cycles going out of fashion 
 are expressing an opinion upon a subject upon which 
 they can have had but little experience, for anyone 
 who has ridden for thirty years understands the 
 practical value of the machine in its present state of 
 perfection as a means of getting about without loss 
 of time and money. As the rising generation of 
 workmen take to the cycle, our congested cities will 
 be relieved by their living a little out of town and 
 bringing up their families in a purer atmosphere and 
 healthier surroundings. The stream of workmen 
 who pass night and morning between Winton and 
 Bournemouth is not a consequence of " fashion " 
 but a proof of practical utility. 
 
ACTOR PORTRAITURE. 
 
 Taken l>;i Jl'. .v. //////// (" Clinrli'ifs Aunt") in hi* (itinlrn nt Woking. 
 Author and his "Swift." 
 
 Taken by W. H. Lenny (late of Savoy Theatre) in his Garden at Richmond. 
 Author and his " Barney." 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 2OQ 
 
 I have not entirely given up the railway because 
 cycling is a " fashion," but because I prefer to spend 
 the time in exercise to sitting in a stuffy or draughty 
 carriage, with these additional advantages that I 
 can get to town quicker, start when I like, do not get 
 wet, as I carry poncho and leggings, and the journey 
 costs nothing. 
 
 I always rode when at the Egyptian Hall, 
 Alhambra, etc., through fog, snow, frost, rain, and at 
 every hour of the day and night, so I speak from 
 experience, and am only advocating what will become 
 universal when motor vehicles allow of better roads, 
 and cycles are still further improved. 
 
 There is a lot written about the superiority of the 
 horse by those who refer contemptuously to the cycle. 
 If advanced as a means of locomotion this is not 
 true, as a cyclist has beaten the pace of the Derby 
 winners, and for distance most cyclists can do easily 
 what would kill the best horse that ever lapped rock 
 salt. For instance, at a country house a mile or so 
 from the village any of the family would be there 
 on a cycle by the time a trap was got ready, so superi- 
 ority does not rest with the horse in fleetness, endur- 
 ance, convenience, or economy. They say you can 
 love a horse well, so you can your grandmother. I 
 have ridden horses from childhood, American, African, 
 and English, and my experience is that there is a great 
 deal of trouble with horses and their ailments. I love 
 them as I do my bicycle or typewriter ; but I see no 
 need to give up a clearer and more rapid method of 
 writing by going back to a goose quill than I do for 
 relinquishing mechanical for animal locomotion. 
 
 I have ridden " Sparkbrook," " Premier," " Swift," 
 all of which, after two years' experience of each, I 
 found serviceable machines. The last one I had built 
 for me by Knight & Day, Battersea, who have supplied 
 
 O 
 
210 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 a machine which is faster, and lighter in price and 
 weight, than any, costing 14. instead of 27, which 
 price, as they neither advertise nor have expensive 
 premises, pays them. I rode to Windsor recently 
 after dinner, had a look at the castle, filled a knapsack 
 I bought there with blackberries, and got home to 
 tea, which speaks well for the machine, as I am no 
 longer a boy and weigh over fourteen stone. 
 
 I do not like to conclude my cycling chapter 
 without advising all riders to get rid of the iron scoop 
 front mud-guard, and substitute a detachable one to 
 the frame rod, which not only can be rolled up and 
 put away if facing a gale or when the roads are dry, 
 but allows the foot to be used as a brake should the 
 pedals snap, chain break, front tyre puncture, or other 
 accident render the brake ineffective. Nearly all the 
 accidents down hill would be avoided by taking this 
 precaution. 
 
 To prevent the daily loss of life, I suggested this in 
 a letter to the Daily Mail, but their cycle writer nega- 
 tived my effort to do good by saying that the foot 
 must be placed " between the crown of the fork and 
 the tyre." I wonder who ever could have told him 
 that. If you value your life, reader, try putting your 
 foot on the tyre, when the revolution of the wheel will 
 show you where it must be placed; the break you 
 have will stop you dead on any hill ; and a time may 
 come when you may prefer stopping to being smashed 
 to pieces. 
 
 In the old days we hung our legs over the handles 
 and toed our tyres ; but ladies ride now, and this 
 method would scarcely suit them, even if it was 
 practicable in the present-day machines. 
 
 I asked a well-known journalist the other day to 
 have a spin to Brighton and back, but he declined 
 saying 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 211 
 
 " I am no rider." 
 " But you write about cycling." 
 " Ah," he said with a smile, " that is a very different 
 matter" 
 
 Zlbe Xanfc of tbe strfcb. 
 
 SOME years ago nearly two thousand, I believe 
 an Italian named Pliny said, "Semper aliquid novi 
 Africa affert," and my experiences coincide with his 
 remark that Africa is a country of surprises. 
 
 I expected to see a long, swampy, pestilential 
 shore, with a few unemployed blacks, in various stages 
 of undress, loafing around under the shade of waving 
 cocoanut trees, instead of which I found an electric- 
 lighted harbour, a town with shops that would not 
 disgrace Piccadilly, and, though I looked for them, no 
 cocoanut trees. 
 
 Captain Rhodes the brother of Cecil told me, at 
 dinner, a story about cocoanut trees which is not 
 unfit for publication. A brother officer of his sent a 
 sketch home of some event which happened at Suakim. 
 When the papers reached Africa the officer saw that 
 a number of cocoanut trees had been added to his 
 sketch by the London artist who had re-drawn it. 
 This inaccuracy incensed him, and he wrote to the 
 London editor as follows : 
 
 SIR, What the devil do you mean by putting cocoanuts in my 
 sketch ? Are you not aware that there are no cocoanuts within a 
 hundred miles of Suakim ? 
 
 To which the editor replied : 
 
 SIR, We are sorry to have caused you any disquietude, but the 
 fact is, that the British public will have coeoanuts, and we were com- 
 pelled to make this concession to popular taste. 
 
 Having heard from infancy that the ostrich was a 
 
212 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 bird which stuck its head in the sand and then fancied 
 that no one could see it, I had another surprise when 
 I found the surface of the Karoo as hard as the road 
 in Cheapside. 
 
 At home we often confuse the East coast of South 
 Africa with the West, and so give it a character for 
 being unhealthy ; whereas Cape Colony used to be a 
 health resort for British residents in India, when the 
 voyage home in sailing ships was too long and costly. 
 The number of sanatoria established, and now being 
 established, which cure any disease amenable to 
 climatic treatment, completely refute this mistaken 
 notion. 
 
 The reader will say But a climate which produces 
 sugar, tea, indigo, etc., must be a hot, and a con- 
 sequently unhealthy, climate, which is true ; but 
 it must be remembered that the whole of South 
 Africa rises as it leaves the coast, and as every 300 
 feet give a drop of one degree in the thermometer, 
 there is, say between Johannesburg which is 6000 
 feet about the sea level and Delagoa Bay, in the 
 same latitude, a difference of 20 degrees the altitude 
 of the Transvaal correcting the tropical effect of its 
 latitude. 
 
 The agricultural wealth of South Africa fascinated 
 me far more than the mineral ; and the Boer 
 farmer has my sympathy in preferring the natural 
 life of agriculture to spending his time in metal- 
 hunting. 
 
 Among the little crowd waiting to greet the 
 voyagers as the Tantallon Castle moored alongside 
 the wharf was my manager, Mr Luscombe Searelle, 
 who briefly told me that we should play one night at 
 the Hope Hall, Cape Town, and leave the next even- 
 ing (Thursday) for Johannesburg ; that a carriage was 
 waiting to take Miss Marie Loftus, her husband, and 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 213 
 
 myself to the Waverley Hotel, and that the agent 
 would see to our luggage. He then left to welcome 
 Sir Charles and Lady Halle, who had come out in the 
 same steamer, and were engaged to tour under his 
 management, as was also Miss Fortescue, then playing 
 at the Opera House. We walked down the gangway, 
 entered our carriage, and were soon rattling along 
 the wharf in the bright morning sunshine, having had 
 far less bother than I have often experienced landing 
 from a penny steamboat. 
 
 We caught a glimpse of the half-naked blacks 
 coaling a steamer, and saw a corner of Cape Town, 
 after which the Malay driver, with his quaint, conical 
 hat, soon had us dashing along into the country, past 
 pretty bungalows on our left, while the South Atlantic 
 waves broke on the dark rocks on our right. The 
 carriage turned up a drive with trees meeting over our 
 heads, then round a marble fountain, and we soon 
 found ourselves at the entrance to a comfortable, 
 shaded hotel. 
 
 It was a little early for breakfast, but we were 
 quite ready for it after we had seen our rooms for 
 landing in a strange country from a sea voyage has 
 a beneficial effect upon the appetite. 
 
 What a sense of space I experienced as I entered 
 my room after the confined cabin ! What a feeling of 
 freedom there was in the two French windows open- 
 ing on to a lawn, round which semi-tropical plants 
 grow in luxuriance, in contrast to the misty dead 
 light, with its circular scape of sea and sky ! All this 
 was a relief to me, but what must it have been in 
 former years, when the first Tantallon Castle was a 
 sailing vessel, which probably got becalmed on the 
 line, and occupied I don't like to think how long on 
 the passage. 
 
 We had some lovely drives round Constantia, where 
 
214 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 the finest grapes in the world are grown, and some of 
 the loveliest scenery is to be found lilies growing wild 
 in the ditches, and masses of beautiful flowers of all 
 shades of colour hanging from the rocks at the base 
 of the mountains at the roadside. And what a climate 
 it was in the springtime of September ! neither 
 too hot nor too cold, with a blue sky and perpetual 
 sunshine. 
 
 At the Hope Hall, where Marie Loftus and I were 
 " starred," we had to turn people away on Wednesday 
 night. All the company had a good reception except 
 one semi-amateur singer, who was so very confident 
 of success, and twitted me upon my nervousness. 
 The audience would not allow him to finish his first 
 song, and would not allow him to begin his second. 
 When I heard him straining his voice at rehearsal 
 to impress us, I thought he knew very little. He 
 said to me when all was over, with an accent of 
 astonishment, " They took to you ! " 
 
 " Yes," I replied. " Funny, wasn't it ? " 
 
 The next excitement was the departure of the train 
 for the interior. Talk about a crowd at a railway 
 station ! Kaffirs, Malays, coolies, miners, men going 
 hunting, railway making ; our variety company, and 
 people to see them off; Miss Fortescue and her 
 company, and people to see them off; young 
 Englishmen going to join the Border Police, and 
 numbers without the least idea of what they were 
 going for. 
 
 "If you made everyone who came on the platform 
 purchase a ticket you'd make a fortune," I remarked 
 to a railway official. 
 
 " We do," he replied, after which I left people in 
 South Africa to attend to their own business. 
 
 A small deputation came up to me through the 
 crowd and presented me with a set of African gold 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 21$ 
 
 studs from the ladies on board, as a little return for 
 the entertainments I had given during the voyage. 
 This was one of the surprises Pliny refers to, and was 
 very pleasant. 
 
 In the hubbub and bustle I began to feel that my 
 chance of getting a seat in the crowded train was 
 becoming remote, when I heard a voice at my elbow 
 calling to me from a carriage window 
 
 " Do you want a seat, Mr Ganthony ? " 
 
 I did ; and, entering the car at the end, walked 
 along the corridor, when my new found friends drew 
 me into their compartment and quickly refastened 
 the door. The sides of the carriage let down and 
 form beds, three on each side. In the obscurity they 
 appeared to be occupied by travellers already asleep, 
 but they turned out to be merely dummies, made up 
 to keep the apartment select. 
 
 One of my companions told me that he had seen 
 me at the Hope Hall the previous evening, and the 
 other that he had seen me at the Alhambra. This 
 man I found had been a well-known music-hall artiste 
 himself, working in conjunction with another. When 
 his partner died he decided to try his luck in South 
 Africa, where he had a brother. His friends met him 
 on his arrival, and he told them what he proposed to 
 do ; he even went further, for he gave them an exhi- 
 bition of his skill, and the different grotesque noses and 
 dresses upon which he prided himself. When he had 
 finished in dead silence the dances which had hitherto 
 obtained him thunders of applause there came a 
 pause, after which his brother said, " For God's sake 
 do something serious ; what's the good of that tom- 
 foolery ? " At first he told me he resented this view of 
 his art, but his brother and his friend were so deadly 
 serious and so decided as to what he should do that 
 towards the small hours, after a long argument, he 
 
2l6 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 gave in, and, taking his wigs, false noses, costumes, 
 make up, etc., he made a bonfire of them, round 
 which they all danced like Indians. He abandoned 
 them for ever. He travelled up country with his 
 friends who set him up in a winkle a small store 
 and the man who saw me at the last music hall he 
 visited in London was then the proprietor of a 
 prosperous store and an hotel, with every prospect in 
 a few years of being able to sell out and retire. 
 
 It seems to me a pity that the train starts at night, 
 as the scenery just after it leaves and ascends the 
 Hex mountains is the finest, the Veldt and Karoo 
 being rather monotonous. I tried to get a glimpse 
 of it by the light of the new moon, but the cold 
 was so intense that I could hot stay out on the plat- 
 form of the carriage to do so. I suspect the starting 
 of the train is arranged so that they may arrive 
 at the stations, of which there are not so many, at 
 meal times, which the majority of passengers would 
 consider more important than scenery. 
 
 I expected to see ostriches in abundance, but 
 we had to look out for them, and discovered them 
 enclosed in a neat wire fencing and white painted 
 gates ! I did not expect to see such an accumulation 
 of bottles, tins, old clothes, and rubbish which had 
 been thrown out of the train by passengers as adorns 
 the side ditches of the railway. 
 
 The approach to Johannesburg one assumed to 
 be like the entrance to a mining town, but it was 
 quite different. There is a little similarity in the head 
 gears, but the long chimneys look more like distant 
 Hudson River steamers, for these smoke stacks are of 
 American manufacture, and further, there is no dirt 
 as in the Black Country. The town looked suburban 
 and clean, and when we entered at dawn the electric 
 lights were still burning at the mines, like starry 
 
AMATEUR PORTRAITURE. 
 
 . 
 
 The Author crushing (Quartz on a New Mine, 
 
 
 
 The Author in a Native Mail Cart. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 217 
 
 guides to fortune, as far as the eye could see across 
 the barren plain. 
 
 I had, at the risk of cutting my throat, half shaved 
 myself, when we stopped at Park Station, so, with my 
 face half bearded, 1 had to make a hasty packing and 
 alight. The train had arrived half an hour before its 
 time, which, when you are in the middle of your 
 toilette, is more inconvenient than being late. 
 
 All our luggage should have been examined, but it 
 wasn't, as such a thing as a bribe did not appear to 
 be unknown in the Transvaal. The young ladies who 
 had been to Johannesburg before had good-looking 
 Jew cicisbeos to meet them, who drove down in 
 swagger turnouts and carpet slippers, while the ladies 
 looked, as they emerged from the half-awakened train, 
 as if attired for a garden party or a wedding, though I 
 didn't hear of any marriages taking place among them. 
 
 The last time I saw Mr Searelle in England was 
 on a river trip in his steam launch on Bank Holiday, 
 when all the sleeping accommodation we could get at 
 Maidenhead was a dining-room. After the genuine 
 boarders had retired, we occupied the sofa and the 
 floor ; but when his brother met me at Park Station 
 things appeared to be worse than that. We drove 
 round to all the hotels in Johannesburg, but not 
 one could give me accommodation. A young man 
 employed at the theatre offered me his rooms to 
 dress in, and when I had finished shaving, had had a 
 bath, changed my clothes, which I had slept in for 
 three nights in the train, and had breakfasted at a 
 restaurant, I recommenced my search for " diggin's." 
 
 As the hotels were all crammed and thousands of 
 people were arriving every week, I began to feel 
 towards Sunday evening that the foxes and the birds 
 of the air had the best of it as regards lodgings. A 
 man 1 knew who had an extra room during his 
 
218 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 illness, hearing of my predicament, offered me his sick 
 bed, from which he obligingly rose. I congratulated 
 myself on my good luck, but when I went to my 
 bedroom and unlocked the door, which opened on to 
 a piazza, encircling the hotel, I found a lady asleep 
 in the bed. Her presence accounted for the skirts by 
 the side of which I had hung my coat and vest. 
 Being a modest man, I paused as soon as I perceived 
 the dormant occupant, and was resuming the few 
 garments I had taken off when the lady awoke, and 
 changed my flight to a conversation. I told her I was 
 there because I understood the room was mine, when 
 she explained that, tired out with nursing my friend, 
 the late invalid, and not knowing that anyone was 
 to occupy the room, she thought she would get a few 
 hours' sleep before the night coach took her to some 
 other duty. As the vehicle started in a couple of 
 hours I said I would go for a walk and return after 
 she had gone. As a matter of fact, I saw her go 
 off by the coach before returning to my to our 
 room. I lay outside the bed and slept till the Kaffir 
 brought a cup of coffee in the morning, which he 
 dropped on the floor on finding the hospital nurse he 
 had left there metamorphosed into a fourteen-stone 
 Englishman. 
 
 On the opening night at the Theatre of Varieties 
 some men in front would not allow me to commence, 
 so I stopped the band and argued with them, saying 
 that if they heard my entertainment and didn't care 
 for it I was re^dy to abide by their verdict, but it 
 was hardly fair to condemn me without a hearing, as 
 they did not know what I was going to do. After 
 that I was allowed to proceed, with the result that 
 the audience became interested and insisted upon an 
 encore, but I was out of humour and merely bowed. 
 The uproar continued, and I bowed again, declining 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 2IQ 
 
 to do anything more, till the manager said that 
 unless I did they would tear up the seats, when, to 
 save the furniture, I gave another item and order was 
 restored. As is often the case, I was made the victim 
 for some other quarrel. Mr Searelle having very 
 properly forbidden the betting men to make bets 
 during the performance, they took this opportunity 
 of showing their displeasure. After the first night, 
 with occasional interruptions which I hereafter 
 chronicle, I got along all right. 
 
 In the middle of my performance one evening, a 
 man in the stalls shouted " Rats ! " 
 
 " There was no necessity to say that," I retorted. 
 The show was going rather better and more peaceable 
 than usual. 
 
 The interrupter rose up and addressed the 
 audience. 
 
 " I beg Bob's pardon ! It's very good ! Ladies 
 and gentlemen, I apologise for what I said. I 
 apologise all round." 
 
 I don't often laugh on the stage, but when the 
 apologist sat down I could not help it, the whole 
 thing seemed so absurd. The audience joined in and 
 all went well afterwards. As the same people went 
 every night, any little incident of this kind was 
 preferred to the regular entertainment. 
 
 Another night a jockey having won a race, thought 
 that he was privileged to interrupt everyone on the 
 stage from a box. I stopped and asked him what he 
 had to say, when a voice from the gallery replied, 
 " We don't want to hear what he has to say, Robert, 
 he's too drunk to talk sense." This was confirmed by 
 the jockey leaning over to argue with my champion 
 and falling into the orchestra, where he was allowed 
 to remain till sober. 
 
 A magic lantern turn gave the audiences as many 
 
220 RAMDOM RECOLLECTIONS, 
 
 opportunities for being satirical as most things. 
 During the course of a series of pictures, when the 
 lecturer said, "The birthplace of the poet Burns," 
 a voice from the darkened room added, " An' I was 
 born in a house on the last plate." 
 
 When Hampton Court Bridge was shown, I 
 suggested to the lecturer that he should add, that 
 to the left, seven minutes' walk up the road, was 
 Torr Lodge, the residence of Mr Luscombe Searelle. 
 This was done next night, and the picture subse- 
 quently changed to a grand hall in the Tuilleries, with 
 ornate furniture and polished floors. Before the 
 lecturer could say what the picture was, a voice in the 
 stalls bawled out, " Luscombe Searelle's Drawing- 
 Room." After that all allusion to Torr Lodge was 
 suppressed. 
 
 In my letters in the London papers I was made to 
 say that the society of Johannesburg consisted of 
 " outsiders " and " rank outsiders," but what I said was 
 that from the inhabitants' own description of them- 
 selves they appeared to be so. When one man spoke 
 of another he generally characterised him as an 
 " outsider " or " rank outsider," but no one as an 
 " insider," which amused me, and I mentioned it as 
 something funny. I never gave them these characters, 
 because I do not know what the terms mean, though 
 I believe they are not complimentary. 
 
 This misrepresentation reminds me of another, in 
 which an interviewer made me reply to a fictitious 
 question as to whether I amused the party in the 
 Tantallon Castle Baltic trip? " Yes, I tickled the 
 whole shoot of tJiem" a vulgarity of expression I 
 never did, and never should, use. 
 
 The " boom " was on when I was in South Africa ; 
 swagger turnouts took the place of the Kaffir-pulled 
 rickshaw, and the Theatre of Varieties was crammed, 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 221 
 
 though there was an opposition music hall. When 
 my sister went out, the hall was a theatre, which she, 
 alone, filled nightly an unheard-of feat for a single- 
 handed entertainer in recent years. 
 
 I could not walk down Commissioner Street without 
 being stopped every few minutes by someone who had 
 seen me at some garden party, dinner, or music hall 
 in England, which was quite enough introduction. 
 
 One warm day I discarded my waistcoat, and was 
 off with my sketch book and camera in search of 
 " copy," when a man stopped me and said, " Hullo, 
 Ganthony, how are you ? " He was a perfect 
 stranger, so I said, " How did you know that my 
 name was Ganthony?" "Well," he replied, "you 
 have Ganthony written on your shirt, and, as you 
 look like a gentleman, I don't suppose you would 
 wear anyone else's." As he left smiling, I had a dim 
 consciousness that I had been pelted with a chestnut. 
 
 Outside my bedroom window at the hotel was a 
 large provender store, and every morning as I drew up 
 my blind I saw the picturesque oxen of the Boer 
 farmer's trekk-waggon lying or standing in the bright 
 sunshine, as he unloaded his cargo of green barley or 
 other spring produce, while his fair haired children 
 played in the covered end, in which, when travelling, 
 the Boer lives. 
 
 This scene, which was being enacted every morning 
 all through the Transvaal, was quietly but surely 
 creating a good feeling, and only required time 
 only time and the wealth of heart there is in all 
 humanity to ultimately bring about a right under- 
 standing between the Dutch and the British. It was 
 not to be, however ; the boom had been carried to its 
 limit, and the financiers had to do something to cover 
 their retreat, and so a revolution was inaugurated 
 which didn't revolve, the scum of the district were 
 
222 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS 
 
 paid a pound a day for their patriotism, and supplied 
 with arms and ammunition, to their own danger and 
 that of the inhabitants, while the Boers, who knew 
 perfectly well what was going on, surrounded 
 Johannesburg with thousands of men, who could at a 
 signal have cut off the water from Dornfontein, and 
 the supply of food by rail or road from everywhere. 
 The whole business of the raid and everything else 
 was as farcical as the misery which accompanied it 
 was tragic, but the political aspect of South Africa, 
 though it wants boldly writing about, must not be 
 written on foolscap, nor with a goose quill, and 
 therefore has no place in this book. 
 
 There was no lack of society in Johannesburg. I 
 knew Marius, Miss Marie Montrose, and most of the 
 members of the George Edwards' company, with 
 whom I had very many little suppers and dinners. I 
 was elected a member of the Rand Club, where I met 
 a crowd of men I knew, or who had known me in 
 England. I gave my entertainment at several private 
 houses, which, with their sumptuous appointments, 
 electric lighting, etc., suggested Lowndes Square more 
 than a home on the veldt. 
 
 The Theatre of Varieties at which I performed was 
 dragged piece by piece across the plain on waggons 
 drawn by oxen, in the days when people used 
 provision cases for seats and tables, and sometimes 
 the bare veldt for a mattrass and pillow, and this 
 only eight or so years ago, on the spot where now 
 tram cars run past handsome electric lighted shops, 
 and ten-in-hand coaches, up-to-date bicycles, endless 
 teams of oxen -drawn waggons make up the 
 variety of the busy traffic of the town dedicated 
 to Johanna! 
 
 It was amusing to find how those artistes who 
 danced, or went through other exertion, thought 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 223 
 
 something was wrong with their lungs through failing 
 to understand how the altitude rarefied the air and 
 caused shortness of breath. 
 
 I gave my own monologue entertainment at the 
 President Theatre, in Pretoria, and had as charming 
 and attentive an audience as I ever played to. But 
 for a dust storm, followed by a deluge of rain, it 
 would have been larger. I have written much about 
 Pretoria in The Sketch, South Africa, etc., which 
 need not be repeated here. The locality was selected 
 by the Dutch, not for gold, but for residence. Run- 
 ning streams ripple through its streets, the hedges are 
 a mass of roses, oranges and lemons mix with apples 
 and grapes, and avenues of blue gum trees offer shaded 
 walks. If you are an early riser you can have a cup 
 of coffee with Oom Paul who is not such a bad 
 fellow as he is made out to be. He does his best for 
 his country that is, for the country taken from the 
 Kaffir and for his people, who claim it as theirs ; 
 and who can blame him ? I saw at the Museum the 
 assegai which killed the young Prince Imperial ; a 
 cannon made by a Boer out of the hub-rings of 
 waggon wheels ; the diary of S. P. Trichardt, who 
 " trekked " through the Transvaal in 1837; a hand bell 
 which was formerly used to summon the Boer Parlia- 
 ment from their waggons to settle affairs of State, 
 which were more easily disposed of then, when they 
 only had half a crown in the Treasury, than they 
 are now. 
 
 I often went to Kriigersdorp the village or dorp 
 named after the president and walked across the 
 veldt to the Falls, which come as a surprise at the 
 end of a sluggish stream terminating in a sudden 
 declivity, and falling among the rocks to the valley 
 below, marking its course by a luxurious growth of 
 ferns, trees, and flowers. It was here I found a fine 
 
224 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 specimen of orthopteron, which I got to England 
 alive, introduced to Lord and Lady Annaly and Captain 
 Rhodes on the Norham Castle, and to the members 
 of the Savage Club, and then gave to the Zoological 
 Gardens. When it died, they sent it at my request to 
 the British Museum (Natural History), whose director 
 informed me it was the finest specimen that had ever 
 reached England those previously sent being in 
 spirits, which destroy the colour. And if, reader, 
 you wish to know what I can do in the way of 
 orthopterons, you have only to ask to see mine to 
 find out. 
 
 I also collected a five-chambered revolver from 
 a man, who drew it on me at the hotel. T put 
 him out of the room for throwing a glass of wine in 
 a girl's face at the hotel table d'hote^ because she 
 would not talk to him after he had insisted on sitting 
 at her table. The revolver adorns my study. What 
 he received in return he carries about with him. 
 
 I gave an entertainment at a little hall erected on 
 the veldt behind the Dutch Church at Kriigersdorp, 
 round which the Boers had out-spanned their oxen 
 on the chance of hearing a little music through the 
 open windows. After the stillness of their solitary 
 farms, this would be welcome. The first night was 
 well attended, but on the second not a soul came, 
 a treacherous wind having begun to blow, which 
 invalided half the village and kept the other half 
 indoors. The stationer and bookseller who took the 
 money and sold booking tickets gave me a bogus 
 cheque on the Sunday I left, which I had returned to 
 me too late to attend to it, as I was on my way home. 
 So the Kriigersdorp speculation did not turn out a 
 profitable one. 
 
 There are a number of unprofitable mines which 
 have been floated on the high tide of European 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 22$ 
 
 confidence, and are now deserted, leaving villages, 
 whose inhabitants are connected with them, to spend 
 their time in loafing and drinking till a renewed burst 
 of confidence allows them to sell and clear out. 
 
 I have seen two billiard matches in my life one 
 when Roberts was playing in the room under us 
 at the Egyptian Hall, and the other when I met 
 the champion of South Africa, whom I knew, at a 
 village hotel. He had been engaged by the pro- 
 prietor to play an English officer, to whom he conceded 
 points. What a contrast in these two matches! I 
 shall only describe the one in the Transvaal. As the 
 time drew near the funniest crowd I ever saw began 
 to collect about the hotel, crowding round the bar like 
 bees at swarming time. A lot of rough chairs and 
 seats round the barn-like billiard-room were soon 
 filled when time was called ; the rest of the crowd 
 bulged out through the open doors into the starry 
 night. The game had not proceeded far when the 
 tobacco smoke began to get the best of the oil 
 lamp which lighted up the table. The spectators 
 had as much to say to the players as they had to the 
 performers at the theatre. A man would smack a 
 sovereign down on the edge of the table when the 
 champion was about to play, accompanied by a bet, 
 which the player ignored, as he quietly transferred the 
 coin to his pocket and continued his stroke. Towards 
 midnight the atmosphere became very thick, and the 
 effects of the adjournments to the bar were that many 
 of the spectators fell off" to sleep. If they slumbered 
 on chairs they were immediately deposited on the 
 floor by those who were tired of standing. 
 
 When the game was over, those who were too drunk 
 to move, if they were guests at the hotel, were carried 
 to their rooms ; if not, they were left where they were. 
 As I had been told that I could have a bed, I asked 
 
 p 
 
226 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 to be shown to it, when the Kaffir boy with a lantern 
 took me round the courtyard, on to which the bed- 
 rooms opened, and examined them, only to find 
 that they were all full, though each, to my disgust, 
 contained two beds ! 
 
 A more elaborate scrutiny on the part of the land- 
 lord discovered a sleeper who had only paid to see 
 the billiard match, so he was promptly removed from 
 the bed and carried back to the billiard-room from 
 which he had migrated, and left there on the floor. 
 
 " Can I not have a single-bedded room ? " I asked. 
 
 " That man will only be there till four," he replied, 
 " so it's like having the room to yourself" 
 
 I didn't think so, but it was no use making a fuss, 
 as it was long past midnight, and no other lodging 
 was procurable. 
 
 My room mate, who was sound asleep, had not spent 
 much time on his toilet, having merely removed his 
 boots. I went one worse, for I put on my overcoat, and 
 made a pillow of my big, soft felt hat. The room was 
 small and oblong, containing two truckle beds, with 
 just space between them to accommodate a painted 
 washstand, which was supplied with one towel, a 
 toothbrush, tied by a piece of string to the leg to 
 secure it from appropriation, a basin and jug. 
 Behind this washstand each preceding occupant had 
 left his soiled or worn-out collars, cuffs, dickies, etc., 
 till the accumulation half buried it. The door was 
 half glass, with a dingy lace blind fixed with tape 
 and tin tacks as a measure of security against the 
 pruriently inquisitive. The wall paper had evidently 
 been used as the nearest available means of trans- 
 ferring flame from the candle to the occupier's pipe 
 while smoking in bed. I looked at all these things 
 till the candle went out, when I closed my eyes and 
 slept till the Kaffir, with unnecessary clamour, awoke 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 227 
 
 my companion, who, pulling on his boots, hurried out 
 into the obscurity of early morn. 
 
 I opened the door for ventilation and again fell 
 asleep, when the man who had been transferred to the 
 billiard-room found his way, by that extraordinary- 
 instinct a drunkard possesses, back to the chamber 
 from which he had been so unceremoniously removed. 
 The instant his foot sounded on the cobble stones 
 outside I awoke, and, as it was dawn, saw him enter, 
 wondering what was the purpose of his visit. It was 
 evidently pacific, for he sat on the recently occupied 
 bed, and having added to my comfort by lighting a 
 strong pipe, he gave my bed a kick and opened up a 
 conversation by saying 
 
 " Have you (hie) any whisky ? " 
 
 " No." 
 
 " Tha's a mistake ; you should always have (hie) 
 whisky, for you never know when anyone may 
 happen to require some." 
 
 Receiving no sympathy in regard to his thirst, he 
 changed the subject, and, after staring at the walls for 
 some time, he got up, and taking the loose ends, began 
 tearing the paper off in sheets, interpolating a few 
 remarks between the removal of each sheet to the 
 effect that the paper was coming off the walls, which 
 was a fact that his activity placed beyond the pale of 
 discussion. 
 
 " I say, the paper's coming off the wall (tear) the 
 paper's coming off the blooming wall " (tear). When 
 he had half filled the room with paper he said, " I am 
 un'er the 'pression that you are sleeping on my bed." 
 
 " That's the one you were sleeping in before you 
 went out." 
 
 " Did I g' out ? " 
 
 " Certainly, or you could not have come in." 
 
 " Tha's true. I like you, an' I sho ave li you 
 
228 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 better if I was'n un'er the 'pression that you're sleeping 
 on my bed, and you hadn't forgot the (hie) whisky." 
 
 Having filled and lighted another pipe he rambled 
 on about his smartness in swindling the public with a 
 worthless mine, which I concisely repeat pour 
 encourager les autres. 
 
 Four of them started a mine over the hill where I 
 had seen the rusty, tarpaulin-covered engine and 
 equally rusty and idle battery. They put its shares 
 on the market, but only sold them to one another. 
 The output of gold they made appear promising by 
 crushing selected quartz. By their own transactions 
 the quoted price of the shares went up, by faking the 
 crushings the yield appeared to constantly improve, 
 till the would-be sharp, but easily humbugged inves- 
 tors, who had been watching this mine in the papers, 
 began to invest, when the original starters unloaded, 
 appointed new managers, etc., and, leaving them to 
 face the wrath to come, disappeared as the man had 
 done whose discretion had been sapped by drink. 
 
 I went for a picnic in a waggon across the veldt, 
 the provisions consisting of salt herrings, cold fowl, 
 and drinks, packed in boxes and stowed away under 
 the cross planks which served as seats. When an 
 extra-sized bump occurred, followed by a smash of 
 bottles, everyone would jump off and look at the 
 colour of the liquid which trickled through the bottom 
 of the waggon in order to ascertain the precise nature 
 of our loss. 
 
 What struck me as characteristic of my countrymen 
 when abroad was, that if we came to a Boer's farm, 
 the man's tools would be taken out, his ground dug 
 over wantonly, and the things thrown about, or empty 
 bottles thrown at the inoffensive Kaffir, who regarded 
 his tormentors in dignified wonder. We are a great 
 people of course, but the contrast between our Bibles 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 229 
 
 and behaviour rather puzzles the mind of the native, 
 whose property we confiscate in this world, and, in 
 return, through our missionaries, offer him an 
 unlimited area of Paradise in the next. 
 
 From the time I arrived in South Africa I was 
 
 surprised, as I mentioned, by men addressing me 
 by name, but my greatest surprise was when one 
 Sunday 1 rode out across the veldt with a friend to 
 call upon an Englishman. 
 
 "I've heard of Mr Ganthony," he said, on being 
 introduced ; " yes, and seen his face somewhere. 
 
230 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 Ah! I know," hurrying off, as though inspired by 
 a sudden recollection, to the rear of his premises, 
 gleefully returning with a torn piece of Ally Sloped s 
 Half Holiday, in which was the sketch I saw for the 
 first time, and which the proprietors have kindly 
 permitted me to reprint here from the original block. 
 
 One of the young ladies of the company who, by 
 the way, never seem to understand that black people 
 are men thought it great fun to go to a Kaffir's 
 kraal, peep in, and kiss her hand to the chief inside. 
 He immediately came out to buy her, and was very 
 much in earnest about it. 
 
 " No, thank you, I am not up for auction to-day." 
 
 " Three oxen ? " 
 
 " Really very good of you, but 
 
 " Four oxen ? " 
 
 " No, thanks, I'm not for sale." 
 
 " Five oxen ? " 
 
 " No, let me go." 
 
 He let her go with a Zulu oath, and her friends, 
 who had missed her, congratulated her on her safe 
 return which they had reason to do. 
 
 The servant girl trouble in England becomes more 
 serious and more laughable in South Africa, where 
 the servant girl is a boy, the boy a Kaffir, and his 
 language Zulu. 
 
 It oftens happens that a newly-arrived English 
 lady engages a "boy" a six-foot Zulu and, with 
 her Kaffir dictionary in her hand, she gives him some 
 instructions as to his domestic duties in his native 
 language. What is her surprise to find that the Zulu 
 suddenly becomes full of indignation, waves his hands 
 about excitedly while pouring forth a torrent of Zulu 
 dialect that no dictionary reference can keep pace 
 with, and strides out of the house, never to enter it 
 again. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 231 
 
 She has mispronounced some Kaffir word, and 
 called the poor fellow by some dreadful name, and 
 so lost a good servant. As this has occurred several 
 times, there is evidently some common household 
 word that wants careful pronunciation. 
 
 My sister tells an amusing experience. At a 
 swagger dinner party the hostess turned to the Kaffir 
 boy at her elbow, and said 
 
 " Bring the champagne." 
 
 The boy left, and the lady continued conversing 
 with all around her, until she noticed the Kaffir again 
 at her elbow, but no sign of the required poculent. 
 
 " Bring the wine, do you hear ! " 
 
 The boy left demurely, and the hostess exerted 
 herself to cover the delay in the arrival of the 
 champagne. The boy again returned, and stood at 
 her elbow. Seeing that something was wrong, and 
 that it was hopeless to try and hide it from her 
 friends, she said, " Excuse me " to her guests, and 
 to the boy, " Now, why don't you bring the 
 champagne ? " 
 
 " No wine," replied the Kaffir. 
 
 " Nonsense ; there is plenty of champagne." 
 
 "No. Me look at all bottles. All bottles say 
 extra dry." 
 
 Naturally everyone was listening to the boy, and 
 there was a roar of laughter as the frightened and 
 puzzled Zulu was bundled out of the room and told 
 to fetch the bottles. 
 
 " How stupid these boys are ! " remarked the 
 hostess, as the laughter subsided. 
 
 But is the Zulu stupid? With his limited know- 
 ledge of English why should he suppose a bottle 
 marked " dry " should be full of liquid ? I warrant 
 when he gets with a few Zulu friends he has something 
 to say about the irregularities of our vernacular. 
 
232 RANbOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 The most remarkable sight in Cape Town is the 
 Saturday morning open-air market, which is held on 
 the space on " the parade," off Darling Street, where 
 everybody who is not anybody repairs with anything 
 he wants to barter or sell. 
 
 To say the articles which are offered are second- 
 hand is to convey an imperfect idea of their antiquity. 
 Upright pianos, sewing machines, guns, dogs, stools, 
 chairs, beds in fact, everything used by human 
 beings is to be found covering the acres of open 
 ground under the shadow of the Table Mountain. 
 
 Some years ago, Phillips asked a friend of mine to 
 put a few hundred pounds into a sweepstake scheme, 
 but my friend declined, not caring for gambling. 
 To-day Mr Phillips is living in a fine estate in the 
 South of England, in receipt of a large income from 
 his idea, which now keeps several clerks in constant 
 employment. 
 
 A lady engaged a " boy " in September, at the end 
 of which month, when paid, he was satisfied, but at 
 the end of October he demurred. 
 
 " Thirty days not thirty-one days," he said. 
 
 " Don't be foolish," replied the lady, who did what 
 any educated English lady would do under the 
 circumstances broke out into poetry, repeating tfie 
 time-honoured lyric 
 
 Thirty days hath September, etc. etc. 
 
 The Zulu, however, wanted pay, not poetry. 
 
 "No no month thirty-one day all month thirty 
 day. Your month thirty day then thirty-one then 
 thirty-two. No ; me don't stop here." 
 
 This lady also complained of the stupidity of her 
 boy ; but the Zulu knew of no month other than the 
 lunar month, and naturally thought he was being 
 cheated. 
 
AMATEUR PORTRAITURE. 
 
 Cape Town Open-air Market. 
 
 The Author getting Copy for his Articles in The Sketch. 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 233 
 
 I was at an afternoon tea in Johannesburg where 
 we had a dignified gossip about current literature, of 
 which we felt rather proud, when an apparition came 
 into the middle of the room. 
 
 Our hostess had told the boy to let her know 
 when the kettle was boiling. Her husband, a man 
 of generous impulses, had that morning given the boy 
 two soiled white dress ties for which he had no further 
 use. The Kaffir hadn't the least idea what they were 
 for, except, perhaps, that they were in some way 
 connected with festive occasions, and, evidently con- 
 sidering that the afternoon tea was a fitting 
 opportunity for wearing them, he fastened them 
 round his head letting the bands cross his forehead, 
 while the bows he coquettishly arranged over his ears. 
 This occupied him until the kettle boiled, when he 
 took it off the fire with a stick, and with it walked 
 into the drawing-room to show us that he was dressed, 
 and that the kettle was boiling. The Kaffir boy with 
 the white dress ties across his black head, a sack 
 round his loins, and a sooty kettle at the end of a 
 stick, which he held in his hands, was a sight to 
 upset our gravity and take the dignity out of our 
 proceedings. 
 
 My sister is rather near-sighted, and, in order to 
 prepare for an entertainment, usually asks for extra 
 candles on her dressing table. She told her bedroom 
 boy as she passed him to let her have plenty of 
 candles in her room, and later on, believing she 
 was speaking to the same boy, she told another. 
 There is a strong family likeness in these boys, and 
 especially towards evening ; meeting them on the 
 steps or round the hotel it is possible to confuse one 
 with the other. Anxious to secure sufficient light, 
 she reminded, as she imagined, the same boy, but in 
 reaHty told several. Rushing to her room to dress 
 
234 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 she only found one candle, which was alight on the 
 dressing table. She rang and said to the Kaffir who 
 came in, " I want more candles." 
 
 The boy bent his body with laughter. 
 
 "What are you laughing at? quick, more 
 candles." 
 
 The Kaffir left and brought in another boy. 
 
 " Oh, you are the one. I want more candles." 
 
 They both bowed their bodies in laughter, and, 
 leaving, brought in another. 
 
 He also laughed, but at the same time pointed to 
 the bed behind her, where they had piled every 
 candle they could lay their hands upon. 
 
 Every time I passed the boy who did my room 
 he raised his hand and said " Ko-as ! " Not 
 understanding what he meant I asked him. 
 
 " Me tink him nice bass." 
 
 " Do you mean me ? " my modesty questioned. 
 
 " Yes, uhg ! (indicating moustache) uhg ! Ko-as ! " 
 
 Ko-as, I found, meant chief. That boy believed in 
 me and would have done anything for me. I wish 
 to goodness men of influence and wealth had the 
 same correct views of my worth. 
 
 I gave him five shillings one day ; he at once retired 
 and we lost his services. 
 
 One night at a ball I was puzzled by a clinking 
 accompaniment to the music at the piano. I found 
 they had got a German prisoner from the gaol, who 
 was allowed to play for them on the understanding 
 that he was chained to the piano. 
 
 After sketching the outline of a corrugated iron 
 prison, I found by the time I arranged my colour box 
 that the prison had moved or I had mis-drawn it. 
 As I thought this unlikely I watched it, and saw that 
 it did move. The prisoners inside being thirsty, and 
 not being able to leave, had lifted it a few inches 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 235 
 
 and were carrying it to the whisky bar a little 
 distance away. When they got close they had 
 their drinks through the small window, after- 
 wards taking their prison back as near as they 
 could to its former position. When the governor 
 heard of it he said, " Not a bad idea ; I can make 
 these chaps mend the road now ; " which they 
 do, the portion under repair being also under the 
 roof of their movable dwelling. 
 
 The passage home from South Africa was made in 
 delightful weather. The sand collected in the rigging, 
 carried there from the desert of Sahara by a wind 
 which made us feel ill. 
 
 I became friendly with a tall, good-looking fellow 
 on board who took a great interest in photography. 
 In my cabin, when chatting about the passengers, I 
 said, " Nobody seems to know which is Lord Annaly. 
 At my table they said that gloomy man in the check 
 trousers was he, but I said that you looked to me 
 more like a nobleman than any of them," at which 
 Lord Annaly laughed heartily at the correctness of 
 my guess, and revealed to me his identity. 
 
 I found plenty to do on board, as 1 prepared a 
 lecture on South Africa which I afterwards gave at 
 Queen's Hall, Richmond Theatre, etc. did a portrait 
 of Lady Annaly in water colours, and wrote the plot 
 of "A Brace of Partridges," the strange history of 
 which comedy will conclude this book. 
 
 I saw nothing from the sky but one hailstorm, 
 which swept across the veldt, for which I needed an 
 umbrella or mackintosh from the day I left in July 
 to the day 1 returned to England in November 
 Apparently the rain and fog had been waiting for me 
 to convince me that for gloomy skies, mud, wet and 
 meteorological depression, there is no place like home. 
 
236 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 "H JSrace of 
 
 I HAVE always rather avoided writing plays, because 
 I saw the misery and disappointment they brought 
 certain friends who had written, but a mistake I made 
 in confusing the brothers Goldmann with one another 
 when in Johannesburg appeared so funny that the 
 idea rather took hold of me, and, " for want of other 
 idleness," I put it in rough dramatic form on the 
 passage home. 
 
 I mentioned the subject to W. S. Penley, walking 
 back one night from a Savage Club Lodge dinner, with 
 the result that he took an interest in the idea, which I 
 read to him a few nights later at the Globe Theatre. 
 He said, " If I couldn't make a success of that I'd 
 eat my hat," and gave me some good hints about it, 
 but, at the same time, pointed out that the part was 
 not suited to him. His encouragement caused me to 
 put a little more work into it, and finish the first act. 
 
 Passing the Vaudeville I sent in my card to 
 Weedon Grossmith, and was at once admitted. 
 
 " Do you happen to want a play, Weedon ? " 
 
 " I am obliged to close my theatre because I can't 
 get one." 
 
 Here was news for the great unacted a manager 
 closing his theatre because he couldn't get a play ! 
 
 I was tempted to reveal the nature of the crime I 
 had committed, with the result that I lunched by 
 appointment with Mr and Mrs Weedon (Miss May 
 Palfry), who make as delightful an audience as an 
 author can wish for. They were charmed with the 
 act which I had completed, but the rest was only in 
 the rough. Weedon cycled back with me from his 
 house in Mayfair as far as Shepherd's Bush, discussing 
 the play, when we repaired to what I should like to 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 237 
 
 call a " wayside inn," but which was really a " pub.," 
 where the subject was continued. I mention our 
 interview on wheels because dodging cabs on a high 
 road is the last place if it be a place within the 
 meaning of the Act where one would suppose the 
 acceptance of a London play would be discussed. 
 
 After our discussion on cycles, I put the acts II. 
 and III. into shape, and gave the whole play to 
 Weedon Grossmith one night at the Savage Club just 
 as he was leaving in a hansom. Next day a letter 
 came from Scotland Yard, saying that some 
 manuscript with my name and address had been 
 found in a cab and would I call and claim it? I went 
 to town, when they handed me " A Brace of 
 Partridges." 
 
 Whenever I met Weedon he rather avoided me, as 
 I naturally made the most pointed inquiries about the 
 play, which he evaded answering, until, after a few 
 days, he admitted having read the second act of the 
 revised version, at which admission I could scarcely 
 help bursting out laughing. 
 
 Meanwhile, Weedon hunted his house from attic to 
 basement for the missing play, till his brother George 
 said, " You've left it in a cab ; go and inquire at 
 Scotland Yard." When he did so, he learnt that I 
 had had it back the day after I gave it him. 
 
 The leading part was for a " light," and not an 
 " eccentric comedian," so he eventually declined it. 
 
 I doubt whether I should ever have done anything 
 more with the play if Mr Crandon Gill (whose firm 
 published several books of mine) had not happened 
 to see it. He complimented me upon it, and backed 
 up his flattery by offering me .200 for a half share, 
 which I accepted. By putting more time on to it, I 
 made it what I think I am justified in calling it, an 
 acceptable play. 
 
238 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 I had another's interests to consider now, and it 
 was wonderful with what business push I found 
 myself possessed. This soon resulted in my getting 
 the play accepted at the Strand Theatre by a man 
 who was reported to be a millionaire. It was put in 
 rehearsal to follow "Teddy's Wives," a Fergus 
 Hume-rous Play, but the members of the company 
 seemed in a state of disquietude, which I could not 
 understand till I learnt that those who were also in 
 the evening bill had not received any wages. 
 
 I next found that a bailiff was in the box office, 
 and, at the same time, discovered that my play was 
 to be used to see if an immediate success would not 
 save the millionaire (!) from the Bankruptcy Court. 
 As this was not giving the play a fair chance I had to 
 try and get it away, and as the time the management 
 had to produce it was getting short, affairs grew rather 
 exciting. On the last week, Mr Tressahar, our light 
 comedian, quarrelled with the manager, and Mr Sydney 
 Brough was appealed to to take the part, but Mr Terry 
 would not let him as he wanted him for " Love in 
 Idleness." So it happened that, before anyone else 
 could be found, the contract had expired by the 
 effluxion of time, and the play was saved. 
 
 I next received a letter from the late acting 
 manager of the Strand, who had read the play and 
 seen it rehearsed, saying that he had a theatre and a 
 " backer," and would like to see me about producing 
 it. 
 
 I was introduced by him to another " millionaire," 
 or rather a millionaire in embryo, as I was told that 
 he did not come into his property for a month or so, 
 when he came of age. The young gentleman, whose 
 name I withhold for the sake of his relations, in 
 consequence of the painful tragedy which terminated 
 our negotiations, had married a beautiful American 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 239 
 
 actress, with whom he came to my house on a visit. 
 I read the play to them and they accepted it. 
 
 I called by invitation upon the young couple at 
 the apartments, Jermyn Street. Being a fashionable 
 locality, I was surprised to find a dingy hall, with a 
 showy, dilapidated looking-glass, a knock-kneed hat 
 stand, and stair carpets which I should be ashamed of 
 having in a hen run. 
 
 I was shown after much ceremony into their bed- 
 room. This, again, was characterised by the cheerless, 
 frayed style of garniture which had greeted me from 
 the moment I arrived. The window had been broken 
 at some remote period, and the lasting powers of 
 brown paper and paste subjected to prolonged 
 experiment. The lady's fast appeared to have been 
 broken also, for a portion of cold sausage on a greasy 
 plate, and the expiring bubbles on a recently 
 drained tumbler which had contained porter, bore 
 silent testimony to the fact that millionaires do 
 eat. 
 
 In the bedroom, among the visible live stock, were 
 a lawyer whom I knew, and a Jew money lender 
 whom I did not know. When I entered, the lady intro- 
 duced me to them in a state of nervous excitement, 
 and no wonder, for, as I learnt a few days after, her 
 youthful husband, whom she found hadn't a farthing, 
 
 had been arrested and taken to Prison. She 
 
 entreated me in her bewilderment and misery to give 
 a musical sketch, and I don't suppose that I ever 
 attempted to amuse a more incongruous audience, or 
 had a more inappropriate time suggested to attempt to 
 do so, than when I sat at that bedroom piano in Jermyn 
 Street, and sang to the Jew who had been swindled 
 out of his loan, the wife who had been swindled out 
 of her life and womanhood, and the duped solicitor 
 whose " little bit of law " had not saved him. When 
 
240 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 I had finished I saw that my presence was an 
 embarrassment, and I left. 
 
 When I called again the lady had all her trunks 
 packed. I nailed up the last batch of her theatrical 
 photographs for her in a box, and tied a label on to 
 her bicycle, which, with her things, she was taking 
 back to her home in America. 
 
 In the middle of completing the packing, with all 
 the litter and straw covering the room, a double 
 knock followed the last stroke of my hammer and a 
 letter was brought up to the room. It was from her 
 mother in America, full of tender solicitude respecting 
 her future, advising mutual forbearance, trust, and 
 love, which she read to me and then, with a gesture 
 of impatient regret, crushed it in her hand as she 
 looked round at the room and at what it signified. 
 
 When her husband was released from prison he 
 followed her to America, where he blew his brains out 
 in a New York hotel, the event being reported in the 
 London papers under the title of " A Short and Wild 
 Career." 
 
 I met Mr Lestocq, the dramatic agent, at the 
 Green Room Club, and he asked me to let him have 
 the play to read, which I did, with the result that he 
 wrote back saying " that he was inclined to consider 
 it a money-maker," and that he would accept the 
 agency of it and try and place it. 
 
 I submitted it to Mr Playfair, who had Terry's 
 Theatre, but he, or more likely the syndicate he 
 represented, argued that " as a French play had been 
 successful at the Vaudeville, they must have a French 
 play," and, following this absurd process of reasoning, 
 they lost a wholesome English play that would have 
 brought them money, and reflected credit on the 
 producers, in order to insult the public by asking it to 
 witness a lewd and revolting piece which ran three 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS, 24! 
 
 nights. As long as plays are not judged on their own 
 merits, but accepted because some other similar piece 
 has done something else, it always will be thus. The 
 brooding step-son of King Claudius was right when 
 he said, " The play's the thing." 
 
 At a performance which I gave for copyright 
 purposes at the Richmond Theatre some amusing 
 incidents occurred. 
 
 Bertie Terry wired me at the last moment that he 
 could not read a part for me as he had promised, 
 which, of course, put me in a flutter. The company 
 had arrived, and a number of my friends, who had 
 paid in order that we might conform with the law, had 
 removed the covers and taken their seats in the stalls. 
 At my wits' end to find a substitute, I looked about 
 for the man who had been engaged to pull up the 
 curtain, and saw him, as I thought, smoking a pipe on 
 the steps of the theatre looking at the river. 
 
 " Would you," I asked, hurriedly, " be good enough 
 to read a part in my play this afternoon ? you can 
 easily do it with what you have to do." 
 
 "Oh, I have nothing much to do were those 
 pretty girls actresses eh yes why the devil 
 shouldn't I ? Where's the part ? I'm a bit of an 
 Irving at private theatricals. How long can I have 
 to study it? ten minutes? the deuce I'll do it 
 done a lot of this sort of thing in India." 
 
 How these stage hands do chatter, I muttered to 
 myself, as I waited impatiently while he leisurely 
 knocked the ashes out of his pipe on the railings of 
 the theatre and followed me. I gave him the part 
 and hurried up on to the stage, where I found a man 
 in his shirt sleeves who asked if he should lower 
 the curtain. I told him that he had better, as this 
 arrangement would leave the other man to attend 
 altogether to his part. The last addition to my 
 
 Q 
 
242 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 company not only did his part capitally but made 
 himself particularly agreeable to the ladies, telling 
 them, as I heard afterwards, a lot of his experiences 
 all over the world. 
 
 When the play was over, I hurried off to thank the 
 man who had saved the situation, and, with my hand 
 in my pocket, asked him how I could repay him. 
 
 " Repay me ! nonsense. Never enjoyed an after- 
 noon better in my life don't see such a lot of 
 handsome girls every day in India. You go and 
 look after your friends, I must get back to dinner. 
 My card glad to have met you good-day." On 
 the card was written : 
 
 MAJOR-GENERAL FELL TATHERS, 
 
 BENGAL CAVALRY. 
 The Barons, 
 
 Twickenham. 
 
 When I recrossed the stage the man I now knew 
 to be the real curtain raiser was putting on his coat 
 prior to going home. 
 
 With regard to the play, thinking that I should get 
 a candid, and not a candied, opinion from a child, I 
 took a little girl I knew on one side, and asked her 
 what she thought of it. She replied 
 
 "Well, I think it's a regular beastly play. They 
 read their parts, there is no band, no gas, and the 
 seats are all covered with rags." 
 
 When I gave the cue for Lord Wallerton's entrance, 
 a part Mr Baynham, the elocutionist, was to read, 
 there was no response, which caused me to interpolate 
 a few impromptu remarks to what were literally my 
 " kind friends in front " as follows : 
 
 " Baynham's a nice fellow. He not only promises 
 
RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 243 
 
 faithfully to come, and doesn't, but asks for the part 
 and keeps it " 
 
 I was continuing when I became conscious of 
 suppressed laughter in front, and of wild, and, to me, 
 unmeaning pantomime at the wings, caused by my 
 friends trying to let me know that the man whom I 
 had been abusing was on the stage standing behind 
 me. He had come in by another entrance, and 1 had 
 concluded that he had not kept his promise. 
 
 Finally, Mr H. Reeves Smith, whose clever perform- 
 ances in "Sweet Lavender," "Charley's Aunt," etc., 
 will be remembered with pleasure by playgoers, 
 secured the comedy, and, though advised by friends 
 to have nothing to do with it, acted on his own 
 judgment and scored an emphatic success in the 
 provinces. The piece will be produced in London 
 at the Strand Theatre about the time these pages see 
 the light. Since the play was settled for, we have 
 been besieged by people who have plays exactly like 
 it. Some, fortunately for me, have never been shown 
 to a living soul, while others have been played in 
 America for years curiously, without any record of 
 performance. 
 
 Everybody claims to have made some suggestion 
 which has made the play the success it has so far 
 proved to be. One agent to whom I lent it not only 
 kept it but claimed an absolute ownership, which he 
 attempted to enforce at law, though he had neither 
 paid, nor signed, anything, and had no more right to 
 it than the man in the moon. 
 
 The man under whose excellent judgment and 
 direction I was able to improve the play was the 
 man who first saw its merits, Mr H. Reeves Smith. 
 His discernment and his solid method of analysis 
 argue well for his future career as a manager. 
 
 With a capital little company consisting of Mrs 
 
244 RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 Charles Maltby, Miss Allestree, Miss A. L. Aumonier, 
 and Messrs Charles Lander, Fred Everill, Cecil 
 Thornbury, Duncan Tovey, Leslie Thomson, Peter 
 Darwin, and H. Reeves Smith, the play was produced 
 on the 1 5th November, 1897, at the pretty County 
 Theatre, Kingston-on-Thames, to a packed house. 
 It went with roars of laughter from beginning to end, 
 with two and three curtains after each act. This was 
 more gratifying as I had not half a dozen personal 
 friends in the theatre. When it was over, there was 
 a general call for the author, which became persistent 
 when Mr Reeves Smith, addressing the audience, said 
 I was in the house. I was, as a matter of fact, outside 
 looking after the carriage. Our manager seized me 
 by the arm and hurried me past the audience through 
 the private door on to the stage, where I found the 
 company assembled. One took my hat, another my 
 overcoat, and Reeves Smith, seeing me, caught me by 
 the hand and dragged me before the footlights. The 
 dreaded critics said that I "responded with graceful 
 bows." As I did so, I met the gaze of my wife 
 looking up at me from the stalls, and a vista passed 
 before me of the struggles we had gone through 
 and the audience were forgotten. Then I shook my 
 friend's hand, which I found I had retained in mine, 
 and retired to receive the even more delightful con- 
 gratulations of the company who had interpreted my 
 work so well. 
 
 And now, dear reader and you don't mind me 
 calling you dear? the act drop has been rung down; 
 the National Anthem has been played ; the comedy 
 has been acted, and the book is finished. 
 
SELECTIONS 
 
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