^^ ^^ UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT LOS ANGELES iJ.'.'? ^ r: et ^• *»' I ■* y / i T H K LAIRD OF LOGAN: OR, ANECDOTES AND TALES ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE WIT AND HUMOUR OF SCOTLAN^D GLASGOW: DAVID ROBEETSON & CO., Edinburgh : Oliver & Boyd. Paisley : Alex. Gardner. MDCCCLXXXIX. ENTERED AT STATIONERS' IIAI.I., 1 J 3 i ^t > I ' " , \'' ,, ^ > '^' > XOTE BY THE PUBLISHERS OF THE PRESENT EDITION. Ix issuing this edition of '"' Tlie Laird of Logan," the publishers are carrying into effect an old inten- tion of placing this well-known collection of Original Stories of Scottish AVit and Humour within the roach of all classes in its complete and copyright form. It may interest the reader to know something of the origin and history of this work, which lias enjoyed a large circulation, and acquired a wide and lasting fame as a repertory of all that is raciest and best in the national characteristics. The first issue was an 18mo volume, edited by J. ] ). Carrick, dedicated to the well-known Samuel Hunter, Editor of the Glasgow Herald, printed at the celebrated press of Hcdderwick & Son, and published by David Robertson iuisn."). Tliis was followed in 1837 by a second issue, in foolscap Svo • ••*•••• NOTE BY TUE PUBLISHERS. 34LK size, dedicated to a famous Glasgow physician, Dr William Young, and edited, as well as published, by David Eobertson. In 1841 he published a greatly augmented edition of the whole work, edited by himself, and which was, by special permission, dedicated to H.E.H. Prince Albert. Many years subsequently, he issued another edition, also largely increased, and it is proper to add here that fully one-third of the contents of " The Laird of Logan " were narrated by himself. It is this last edition which is now re-issued, and no other one is complete. It is needful to give these particulars, as the credit of editing the work has sometimes, in ignorance, no doubt, been ascribed to others. The publishers find it necessary to say this much, q {R as an imperfect reprint of a portion of the work, rp of which the copyright had expired, has been ^ issued without their knowledge or acquiescence, and they wish to maintain their own position and protect the rights of the book. December 18SS. lyy^ P li E F A C E. In preparing the present Volume for the press, great care has been taken to exclude every thing with which the public were previously acquainted ; for, notwith- standing all the ingenious expedients of the culinary art, we fear our homely national apothegm will still hold true, that " Cauld kail het again is aye pat-tasted," which is equivalent to intimating in the English tongue, that no art of the cook can disguise a dish presented a second time at table. Such anecdotes and stories as have before appeared in type, obtained only a local currency ; but the reception given to them in this neighbourhood, induced us to believe that the world would also acknowledge them to be the sterling mint- age of the brain, and would aid in giving them a wider circulation. No expression or allusion having the least tendency to offend correct morals has been admitted. Our object was to " point a moral," as well as to " adorn a tale." VI PBEFACB. We should be guilty of great ingratitude, did we not acknowledge the assistance received from all quarters in the " Land of Cakes," without which we fear our pages would have watited much of the racy humour which the public admits they pos^ess. In particular do we owe our thanks to Dr. Andrew Crawford, Lochwainoch, who furnished many of the anecdotes. The terms and illustrations with the initial X. are from his pen. TuK Editor. BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF JOHN DONALD CARRICK. &c. The present Work, as its title imports, is intended as a sort of embodiment, or concentrated essence, of the floating facetiae, and indigenous wit and humour of the western and north-western districts of Scotland, during a period stretch- ing back for about two-thirds of a century, with a view to exhibit, in rough relief, manj peculiar tastes and habits, local customs and humours, characteristic of certain conditions of society, which the levelling influences of a progressive civilization have now nearly obliterated. The contents of this volume have been the contribution of various individuals, either in the form of original pieces, or as restaurateurs and collectors of the loose and floating traditionary humours, and comic legends, lingering long amid scenes once vocal with the bread mirth and sarcastic license of the olden times and better days of the untram- melled Scottish Muse. Of these contributors, the principal was the late Mr. John Donald Carrick, who edited the First Series of the work, and was the first to introduce to b viii BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF the world the characteristic humour and genius of the once celebrated Laird of Logan, whose original and pungent wit so often set the dinner tables of his day on a roar ; and who has had the good fortune, by the instrumentality of his congenial biographer, and the placing his name on tlie title page of a popular work, to contribute to the convivial happiness and social enjoyment of a generation which otherwise might never have known him. Another important contributor, if not in quantity, at least in quality, was the late lamented William Motherwell. A third individual was the well known Andrew Hender- son, portrait painter, Glasgow, of whom many characteris- tic anecdotes are here given — an individual of original talent, and of a vigorous but somewhat rough and eccen- tric cast of character. These three persons of acknowledged genius — differing widely, however, in its peculiar modes and manifestations — lived for some of the later years of their lives in habits of the strictest intimacy ; and it is painful to add, that as in their lives they were closely united, so in their deaths tlicy were not far separated — they having all throe died in the course of about two years, and their congenial ashes now repose witiiin a short distance of each other. Wo think it will be acceptable to many to wiiora these individuals wore personally known, and to many more who ftdinired and respected them as men of unquestionable ge- nius, to [)rerix brief memoirs of their lives to this enlarged scries of a work, with the original of which their connexion was so intimate. The materials for their biography are indeed so meagre and scanty, that all wo can promise to supply will be a irsro sketchy outline ; yet, faint as it must JOHN D. CARRICK. IX necessarily be, it may shed a few rays of light upon their memories, and awaken many pleasing, and some painful reminiscences of their several characters and excellencies, in the minds of those who still lament over their premature decease. Dr. Johnson remarks, that whatever connects us with the past or the future, tends to exalt us in the scale of being. The biographer and his reader, then, who linger over the untimely grave of worth or genius, cannot but be profitably employed; and, with this comfortable assurance, we proceed to the brief but interestmg annals of JOHN DONALD CARRICK. He was born at Glasgow, in the month of April, 1787. His father, we believe, came from the neighbourhood of Buchlyvie, in Stirlingshire, and settled in that busy and thriving city. Mr. Carrick's mother is said to have been a woman of a superior cast of character, with keen powers of observation, and strong natural humour — qualities which she transmitted in an ample proportion to the subject of this notice. From the limited circumstances of his parents, they were able to afford him little more than the common elements of education ; but the vigour and activity of his muid, in after years, enabled him, in a considerable measure, to remedy the deficiencies of his youthful days. To what particular profession he was de- signed by his parents, is not now very clear ; but in the early days of his nonage, he was for some time in the office of a Mr. Nicholson, then an architect of some eminence in Glasgow, and he continued to entertain a partiality for that branch of the arts during his lifetime. It is probable that X BIOGRAPHICAL 8KETCH OF he was also employed for some time at this period as a clerk in a counting-house, imbibing the useful elements of a busi- ness education, but of this there is no certainty. Whether a strong dash of inherent independence of mind, coupled with a certain tendency to a rugged obstinacy of disposition — qualities which he exhibited on many occasions during his life — or, whether the uncertain and clouded state of his early prospects, operating on such a character, in- duced him to take tlie questionable step of leaving his pa- rents at this time, without their knowledge or consent, can- not now be ascert.iined. But the rash and enterprising youth, without communicating his intentions to any one, ii. the latter part of the summer, or fall of 1807, left the city of his birth, with the daring purpose of trying his fortune in London — then, as now, the great mart for erratic and adventurous talent. When it is considered that London was a journey of above four hundred miles frcta his native city, to be performed wholly on foot, (for liis li- mited finances, it may easily be supposed, left him no choice of any other conveyance,) whatever we may think of the pru- dence of tlio young adventurer, we cannot but feel some re- spect for the depth and boldness of character which it exhi- bited. Starting with only a few shillings in his pocket, as he afterwards told an intimate friend, he reached the neigh- bourhood of Irvine, in Ayrshire ; and not choosing, prudou- ti.illy, to be at the expence of a lodging, he bivouacked close by the shore, in the snug recess of a " whinny knowe," and the first sounds which reached his car in the morning, were those of the advancing tide sweeping rapidly on towards his humble couch I'ursuing his solitary journey, and living entirely on the Riinplost fare^-sleeping sometimes in tim JUHN D CARRICK. M humblest of hostelries.but more frequently nestling; under the lee of a hedge, or amid the " stooks" which an early harvest fortunately offered to his choice — foot-sore, and probably heart-sore — weary and worn, the still stout-hearted lad reached the town of Liverpool. On entering the town, he used, in after life, gaily to describe his sensations on encoun- tering a party of soldiers beating up for recruits for the British army, then in the Peninsula. He held a coun- cil within himself, for some time, debating whetbe" to follow the drum, or the route to London. Glory and gain strove for the mastery in the heart of the young adventurer, with such nearly equal claims, that, unable to decide the knotty point, hehad recourse to a rustic form of divination, and casting up in the air his trusty cudgel, the companion of his wanderings, he resolved to be guided by the di- rection in which it should fall. As it fell towards the road to London, he conceived the will of the gods to be, that he should pursue his journey, with the reasonable hope, fully as well founded as that of VVhittington, that he might yet be Lord Mayor of that famous city. Fortified, then, by this decision of the oraclo, he continued his weary pilgrim- age, and at length arrived in the metropolis, with half-a- crown in his pocket ; so rigid had been his economy and self- denial on the way Mr. Carrick, in his later years, used to delight in relating to his particular friends, his adventures during this wild escapade of his immature youth — his camping at night out in the merry green woods, under the shelter of bush or brake — the curious scenes in hedge ale- houses and low taverns he was sometimes witness to and the delicious sense of self-abandonment, and wild freedom, which amply compensated its many privations and hazards Xll BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF There is little doubt but that it contributed to form in his character a sense and feeling of independence, and a tone and depth of self-reliance and respect, which he ever after- wards exhibited. He lost no time in ofl'uring his services, as a shop-boy, to various shopkeeper?, but for some time in vain, owing probably to his manners and accent being somewhat raw, Scottish, and ungainly. At length a decent tradesman, himself from the Land of Cakes, pricking up his eai's at the Doric music of his native tongue, took compassion on the friendless lad, and engaged him in his service. He was afterwards in the employment of various other persons ; and in the spring of 1809, he obtained a situation in an extensive house in the Staffordshire Pottery line of business. His stay altogether in the capital, was about four years, and he returned to Glasgow in the beginning of 1811, and opened a large establishment in Hutcheson Street, for the sale of stoneware, china, Ac. ; a business for which his connexion for two years with the respectable house of Spodes & Co., in London, had thoroughly qualified him. Mr. Carrick continued in this line of business, with various success, for nearly fourteen years. At one time his prospects appeared to warrant the probability of his realiz- ing a comfortable independence ; but some involvements with a liouse in the foreign trade, blasted his hopes, and reduced him to a state of insolvency. The involvements al- luded to, gave rise to a protracted and expensive litigation ; but it is pleasing to add, that all parties were fully sensible of (ho honourable integrity of .Mr. Carrick's conduct in the whole of these delicate transactions. It is not improbable that Mr. C.'h protracted and painful experience of the Supreme Court, pave rise to his sarcastic delineation of it some JOHN D. CARRICK. ZIU years afterwai'ds to a friend, to whom he obseryed — • " There's nae place like hame, quo' the de'il, whea he fand himsel'in the Court of Session." During the latter years of his business connexion in Hutcheson Street, as a china mer. chant, his literary tastes and habits had been gradually maturing, fostered by a pretty extensive course of private reading, and especially by his antiquarian predelictions and pursuits, chiefly in our older Scottish literature, in which he now began to take a particular pleasure. In the year 1825, he published, in two volumes, a Life of Sir William Wallace, which was written for Constable's Miscellany, and which was well received by the public, and has continued a favourite ever since. A new edition of it has recently issued from the press. He also wrote, about this time, some comic songs and humorous pieces ; and as he was an admirable mimic himself, and generally sung, or recited his own compositions, his company was eagerly souglit after by a small but attached circle of friends. In 1825, having given up business on his own account, his means being exhausted by the expensive litigation referred to, and not choosing to apply to his friends — it being another pithy saying of his, " that frien's are like fiddle strings, they shoulduabe owre tightly screwed" — he travelled for two or three years, chiefly in the West Highlands, as an agent for some Glasgow houses. Mr. Carrick used to dwell on this part of his business career with a strong feeling of pleasure, as affording him ample opportunity of becoming acquainted with the rich and humorous peculiarities of the Celtic cha- racter and manners. He also acquired, during these peregri- nations, a considerable knowledge of the Gaelic tongue and antiquities, and to the last preserved a keen relish for every XIV BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF thing connected with the customs, prejudices, and strong manly features of character of these children of the mountain and the mist. The knowledge thus acquired, com- municated a rich flavour to his manners and conversation in private, and overflowed in some of his subsequent works, in a series of highly graphic and amusing descriptions and narratives, richly coloured, but not distorted or caricatured, of the more striliing and picturesque points of the racy cha- racter and peculiarities of the primitive inhabitants of the West Highlands. This branch of business also failing, our harassed friend betook himself to his literary pursuits, and engaged about this time as sub-editor of the Scots Times, a journal of liberal principles, and then ranking high as an authority in borough politics. He contributed largely to the amusing series of local squibs, and other jeux d'esprits which appeared in that paper, both before and during his connexion with it, and which conferred a brilliant reputation upon its columns for several years. In 1832, 'J'lie Day, a literary paper, publibhcd daily, as its name imports, was started by a few of the leading literati of Glasgow. Tliisjonrnal was continued for six months, and many admirable pieces appeared in its columns. The reputed editor was Mr. John Strang, now chamberlain of the city, the author of several works of considerable merit. Amongst the contributors were Mr. Carrick and the late William Mo- therwell, and tlio fricndsiiip which had already subsisted for some time between these talented individuals, was now Btrengthcned by their mutual literary connexion and tastes, notwithstanding the totally opposite character of their politi- cal principles. .Mr. Andrew Henderson was anotiior member JOHN D. CARP.ICK. XT of this social and literary coterie ; and the strong and salient peculiarities of that ingenious but eccentric person — the coarse vigour of his understanding — and the shreAvd depth of his observation — combined with a manner, at times, not a little abrupt and explosive, rendered him a valuable con- tributor to their social enjoyments. His knowledge, too, of old Scottish manners and customs, and especially of old songs and ballads, with the homely vigour of his colloquial modes of expression, and the congenial character of some of his peculiar tastes to those of Mr. Carrick, confirmed their mutual friendship, over which, alas! the shadows of a pre- mature grave were already beginning to impend. In a clever little work, entitled " Whistle-Binkie," pub- lished in 1832 by j\Ir. .David Robertson, and which was a collection of songs, and other poetical pieces, chiefly humor- ous, there appeared several by Mr. Carrick, rich in thai peculiar vein of humour in which he excelled. " Tha Scottish Tea Party," and " Mister Peter Paterson," are two of these productions, which the author used to sing himself; and there are few who had the good fortune to be present on these social occasions, but will long remember the inimitable comic richness, and breadth of humour, with which he contrived to enhance the original drollery and satiric archness of these mei-ry cantatas. Few men, indeed, excelled him as a safe and agreeable companion at the social board. The fine play of his delicate humour never degene- rated into vulgar personalities, either to present or absent friends ; whilst the bland and open smile, and the quiet but hearty laugh, which followed up the good humoured jest, from himself or others, with the unassuming gentleness, and gentlemanly bearing oi' his invariable deportment, all XVJ BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF combined to render him one of the most genial of guests, and most delightful of companions. In the beginning of 1833, Mr. Carrick having been offered the management of the Perth Advertiser, he left Glasgow iu the month of April of that year to reside in the Fair City. For the situation of an Editor of a newspaper, Mr. Carrick was especially qualified, by his long connexion with the Scots Times, and by the extent of his political and general information, not less than by the clearness and vi- gour of his understanding, and the shrewdness and caution of his habits as a writer. His friends, therefore, had reason to anticipate for him a long and prosperous career in so honourable, if not lucrative course. But both their and Mr. Carrick's reasonable hopes were doomed to a premature disappointment, and he only retained his situation about eleven months, having been compelled to throw it up in disgust. Mr. Carrick, though a person of mild and temperate habits, had yet, as we have seen, a high sense of independence, and great firmness of character. Finding himself, therefore, subjected to the indignity of having his leading articles sub- mitted to the inspection and occasional mutilation of a com- mittee of management, most of tl\e members of which were little competent to decide upon such matters; and being also not a little annoyed by the officious and interested inter- ference of a particular individual, he resolved to give up iiis prospects in the ancient city of Saint Johnston. His harassed feeling.s, during tliis painful state of things, natu- rally found a vent in his correspondence with his friends iu Glasgow; and, on the 24tli October, wc find him writing in those terms to one with whom his private intimacy was particularly close; — " 1 am sorry to say I find my com- JOHN D. CARRICK. XvH foils by no means on the increase here, and I have serious intentions, unless an immediate improvement takes place, of giving- in my resignation. This, however, except to such as our friend Spiers, you may be chary in communicating. I may labour where I am till 'the crack o' doom,' before I advance a step either in circumstances or reputation. Be so good, therefore, as keep me in your eye, should you hear of anything (any where) that you think may suit me.' ' Oa the 25th November, he again writes to the samo friend— " I feel truly grateful for your prompt,fnendly, and judicious interference in the affair at Kilmarnock. On the 24th of last month I gave in my resignation, and my engagement terminates on the 24th January. I hope it is not too mucJi to ask of you, and my other friends, to believe, till such time as I have an opportunity of explaining, that I did not take the above step without cause, and after due deliberation." The " affair at Kilmarnock," touched upon in this passage, related to an application in his behalf by his Glasgow friends, to certain parties in the burgh just mentioned, who were on the look-out for an Editor to a journal about to be established there on the liberal interest. This applica- tion was successful, being backed by the warm and generous testimony of several influential friends, and amongst the rest by an elegant and powerful commendatory epistle from the pen of his friend Mr. Motherwell. The letter, from that generous and discriminating individual to Mr. David Robertson, is so honourable to the memories of these accomplished friends, as a specimen of a manly and honour- able friendship uncontaminated by pai-ty politics, that wb consider it but justice to both to lay it entire before our readers .- — XTUl BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF CouniBH Oki'ice, Glasoow, November 28, 1833. To Mr. David Uobertso.v. My Dear Sir, — Understanding that a newspaper is about to be established in Kilmarnoclc, and that my friend Mr. J. D. Carricli (present Editor of the Perth Advertiser) has offered himself as a candidate for its Editorship, I wish you would interest yourself on his behalf among those who may have the appointment in their hands. Unfortunately, I neither know the proprietors of the pro- jected journal, nor any person of influence in Kilmarnock, having a likelihood of being connected with it, otherwise 1 should have preferred addressing Ihom personally on this subject, in place of through you. Be this as it may, I would fain trust that my disinterested and unsolicited opinion of the talents and literary attainments of Mr. Carrick, in whatever shape laid before the proprietors, may be of some use to a most deserving individual in his canvass. With Mr. Carrick and with his writings, both as a literary character, and as the conductor of a very intelligent weekly paper, I have been long familiar ; and to the taste, tact, judg- ment, knowledge, and resoareli displayed in those writings, I can bear the most unqualified testimony. Mr. Carrick and I, as you well know, have the misfortune to be opposed to each other in political sentiments, but that circumstance de- tracts nothing from his merits in my eyes. Perhaps, in the present case, it may even advance his interests ; for I am given to understand, that the Kilmarnock paper is to be ponduoted on what are called Liberal or Reform principles, and t(i liio.so, in their popular acceptation, I have never, either in my public or private capacity, concealed my most JOHN D. CAKKICK. XIX rootod hostility. If 1 am well informed, then, as to the po- litical views entertained by the proprietors of the contem- plated journal, my decided conviction is, that they never could light upon a more energetic and uncompromising, and, at the same time, prudent, sagacious, and enlightened advo- cate of their princinles, than they will find in the person of Mr. Carrick. In the management of a paper he has had large experi- ence : his taste in selection is excellent ; and, in getting up some of those witty and good-humoured paragraphs which conduce so much to the interest of the columns of a provin- cial paper, and, in consequence, extend its circulation, I scarcely know his equal. My friend, Macdiarmid, of the Dumfries Courier, has, in his own peculiar Wcdk, a formid- able rival in Mr. Carrick. As to his eminent qualifications in a higher point of view, his historical works and political essays afford the best of all evidence ; but as these, in all probability, will be submitted to the committee entrusted with the nomination of Editor, 1 need not further enlarge on them, for sure I am that the committee will think with me, that they every way support Mr Carrick's claims to exten- sive literary and political acquirements, and furnish the best of all guarantees for the creditable discharge of his dutifis as an Editor. My, dear Sir, in conclusion, I have only again to beg, that you "will use your best influence to back the feeble and ina- dequate testimony I have borne to the abilities of a common friend — of one who, in every relation of life, has always shewn himself a most estimable character. Yours faithfully, W. MOTHERWSLI.. XX ftlOOBAPHICAL SKE TCB OF Notwithstanding the annoyances to which our friend appears to have been subjected during the greater part of his stay in Perth, the elastic and mirthful character of his temperament found a frequent vent in various humorous pieces and jeux d'esprit — amongst others, the inimitable letter from "Bob" to his friend in Glasgow — (see page 224.) Mr. Cai-rick left Perth in February, 1834, and immedi- ately entered on his duties as the Conductor of the Kil- marnock Journal. For the character of the citizens of Perth, he does not seem to have had much respect, observing, with his usual quiet air of sarcasm, that " the last thing a true man of Perth would show you was the in- side of his house." He formed some friendships there, how- ever, with parties, whose regrets for his early death are equally sincere and pungent — such as Professor Brown, and Mr. Dewar, bookseller, the latter of whom he used to designate the David Robertson of Perth — an appellation which those who know the latter will not be ^low to appre- ciate. Settled now at Kilmarnock, and, for some time, with the most flattering prospects of permanent success as an Editor, from the flourishing state of the journal over which ho pre- sided, this tossed-about and warm-hearted man of genius hoped he had at last found a safe retreat from the storms of life. But, alas 1 his evil star was still in the ascendant, and those clouds were gathering, which were never to pass away until lost in the gloom and shadow of the grave. He had already experienced the diflicnlty of conducting a provincial paper, under the supcriutcndenoo of a body of pro- prietors, some of thom porson.s very incompetent to interfere in Much matters, and frequently split into small coteries, JOHN TO. CARRICK. XXI and inflamed by paltry jealousies. He soon found these general and local difficulties tliicken around him, as, en« couraged and spurred on by some of the proprietors of the Journal, he applied the powers of his keen and penetrating wit in the composition of a few satirical articles, which so galledsundry individuals in "Auld Killie," thatthey withdrew their subscription and countenance from the paper. On which those friends, by whose urgent advice he had acted, feeling or feigning alarm, raised a clamour against his ma- nagement, and used every artifice to annoy and distract him. Mr. Carrick described the panic of these nerve- stricken politicians as something like that of the idiot who had ex- pended all his capital in the purchase of a bass-drum, and when he began to belabour the sheepskin, he got so alarmed at its sonorous boom, that he threw away the drumsticks. Before Ik left Perth, there is too much reason to be- lieve, that the disease which conducted him to the grave, had begun to prey on his constitution, in the form of a paralysis of some of the nerves and muscles of the mouth and head, and which finally settled into a confirmed tic-do- loureux, one of the most painful of human auctions. These continued annoyances brought on a severe attack of his disorder, and induced him to apply for leave of absence for a short time, engaging to procure assistance for the in- terim management of the Journal. This request, which com- mon humanity might have induced a compliance with, was harshly refused ; and in a characteristic letter of his, dated lOth October, 1834, addressed to the same correspondent in Glasgow, he thus communicates the result of his application, which had been backed by a medical certificate : — " I will take it kind if you will express my warmest thauks to Mr. XXll BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF Weir,* and the other gentlemen who so promptly volunteered the assistance mentioned in your letter. I am sorry, how- ever, to say, that their friendship is for the present unavail- ing. The certificate by the medical gentlemen you saw was sent in to the committee ; and, after two sittings on the sub- ject, the Sill has been thrown out. I have, therefore, to re- main at the helm. Though still weak, and have not much command over the unruly member, I am no worse, and trust 1 shall yet weather the storm, and see you soon. Remem- ber me to all friends, and say, that though my tongue is at present a little down in the mouth, yet my spirits are rising ; I trust I shall control them." On the 5th of December, he again writes:— "You will not be much surprised at my not writing you sooner, when I mention, that since my last I have had a relapse, and been reduced to as bad, if not a worse state than when you saw me." In this deplorable state of health, he, by the advice of all his friends, resigned his situation, and returned to Glas- gow in the month of January, 1835. Notwithstanding the genei-ally wretched state of his health dui-ing his stay in Kilmarnock, and his subjection to the annoyances above alluded to, his mental faculties were in the highest vigour ; and he superintended, as editor, the First Series of the Laird of Logan, besides contributing a number of the best pieces which enrich that unrivalled collection of Scottish facetias. Tiiat work appeared in June, 1835, and created a very great sensation in the metropolis of the west, and in tlie neighbouring country, where the fame of the celebrated wit and bon vlvant, whose name it bears, continues still to • Mr. William Weir, then editor of tlio GliiBgow Argus, who gene- rouhly offerod to Dujipl)' the luttdlog articio during Air. C.'s abitoncc. JOHN D. CARRICK. XXllI linger. After the publication of " The Laird," ho went to Rothesay for his health, but for some time he felt so much the worse, that he abandoned all hopes of life, and even se- lected a place of sepulture for his worn-out frame. Rally- ing however, he returned to Glasgow, and continued his literary labours. About this time, he contributed some excellent papers to the Scottish Monthly Magazine, a peri- odical of considerable ability, published in Glasgow, but the careei* of which was of short duration. Occupying himself thus with literary compositions of various kinds, many of them still in the manuscript state, (some of which, of great merit, we have seen,) — and struggling on, at the same time, with an insidious and painful disease, one of the effects oi which, to a person of his social character, was particularlj distressing — the impairing of the power of speech — he con. tinued for a considerable time to appear occasionally iu society. Ultimately, a severe attack of inflammation in the side, and the effects of a course of depletion to which he was subjected by his medical attendant, followed by an ac- cess of diarrhoea, proved fatal to the enfeebled frame of this warm-hearted and talented individual — from whom, as from too many men of genius and sensibility, the sun of this world's favour had long continued to hide itself in clouds and darkness. He expired on the 17th August, 1837, and was buried in the High Church burying .ground, being fol- lowed to the grave by many friends, in whose social circla he has left a blank not likely soon to be filled up. The remainder of our duty, as a biographer, requires us to analyse the literary character of Mr. Carrick, and to pass in review, before the reader, the merit.s of his va- XXiv BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF rious publications. Generally speaking, nis peculiar walk, as a writer, was tliat of humorous satire, combined with acute observation, and knowledge of human character. As a painter, too, of manners and customs, general or local, especially those of the " good old times " of our fathers, he has rarely been excelled, either in the graphic facility and fidelity of his pencil, or in the rich tissue Of descriptive drollery in which his sketches were usually imbedded. An irresistible disposition to a quiet and inoffensive waggery, distinguished him in private society, and the same tendency overflows in almost every thing he writes. The principal of his works, and the only one of a grave and somewhat didactic character, is his Life of [Jir William Wallace, the Scottish Patriot, a work which reflects as much credit on his patriotism, as on his good taste, accu. rate research, and masterly handling of a subject, from its somewhat worn-out character, not a little difficult to manage. He edited, as wc have already seen, a clever compilation, with the novel and characteristic title of Whistle-Binkie ; the na ture of which designation was amusingly described by him ir. the preface. To this excellent collection of songs and poetical pieces, liumorous and sentimental, Mr. Carrick contributed several of great merit — such as " The Tea Party," and "Mister Peter Paterson," of which we have already spoken, as constituting a social treat of the highest order : when in the society of his private friends, he sung them himself. " The Harp and the Haggis,'" " the De'il o' Buchlyvie, " " the Gudeman's Prophecy," and " the Cook's Legacy," in the same work, are also by him, and arc rich in the same kindly humour, somewhat too broad at times, in whirh ho chiefly excels. The '' Muirland Cottagers " i.s a poem JOHH D. CARRICK. XXV of his in the sentimental vein, full of feeling and pathos, but not pitched in a high strain of poetry. His true vein, either in prose or verse, was the humorous, and he seldom rose above mediocrity when he left it, which indeed was but seldom. The next publication with which his name and me- mory will long be associated, is the First Series of the Laird of Logan, of which he was the projector and editor, and the principal contributor. To this admirable collection of Scottish and Highland anecdotes and jeux d'esprit, he contributed the biographical sketch of the Laird of Logan, the hero and patron-name of the work, and nearly the whole of the anec- dotes and stories related of this western worthy, as well as those descriptive of Celtic manners and peculiarities. Though partial to the character of the Gael, as exhibiting many generous and noble traits, we uniformly find in his descriptions, a tendency to exhibit it in its more comic peculiarities and aspects — a disposition which was ag- gravated by his extensive access to Highland manners and customs, while on his business peregrinations in their romantic country. He also contributed the capital anec- dote, " Put thePipesiu the Pock," " The Traveller's Room," an excellent sketch, and the " Bute Toast," which latter was really given by himself at an agricultural dinner in Rothesay. Of the peculiar character and merits of the " Laird of Logan," of which, as editor and principal con- tributor, he may be said to have been all but the author — it were idle now to give an opinion — the public voice having long ago expressed its approbation in terms of so unambiguous a character, followed up by the call for the present enlarged issue. The grave and Bly humour cf Carrick shines out in XXVI BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF every page. He seems to not in the abundance of his comic resources, and overflows with a quiet exuberance of good humour, and pungent but not offensive sarcasm, towards all objects and circumstances, (chiefly towards the uolucky Celts), which his range of observation, and acuteness of perception, brought him into contact with. We have no doubt the work will long remain a standard one of its kind. We have already intimated, that he was one of the chief coHtributors to " The Day," a daily literary paper, started in Glasgow in 1832, and which had a brief exist- ence of about six months. Several of the pieces in this journal were of very considerable merit ; and two of them the production of Mr. Carrick, deserve an especial notice. These were " The Confessions of a Burker," and " The Devil's Codicil." The former of these is conceived in a dark and powerful vein of description, and presses upon the mind like the heavy oppression of the ulght-mare. It is a vigor- ous, though somewhat over-wrought sketch, and exliibits the writer in rather a new walk of composition. The Devil's Codicil is a piece of a diflereut kind — rich in a broad liumour, and strong pencil-dash of the ludicrous, alternating with a mock gravity, and a quiet sarcasm, and pitched in the author's usual half-drolling, half-serious manner. Amongst the latest of his contributions to the press, were some articles in the iScotlisli Monthly Magazine, which were entitled, " Nights at Kilcomrie Castle, or the Days of Queen Mary." They are admirable sketches of the habits and manners of the " days of langsyne" in Scotland. The cos- lumcH and customs of society are touched with the pencil uf the (intiiiuarian and the nrttst the dialuguc is easy and JOHN D. CARRICK. XXYU natural — the characters well conceived and sustained — and the story cleverly managed ; whilst there is a rich abundance of drollery and broad humour floating over and enlivening the whole. We look upon these articles as amongst the best of Mr. Carrick's free and easy sketches in the story-telling line. It is understood that Mr. Carrick has left a considerable amount of manuscript matter behind him, a selection from which would, we are persuaded, be an acceptable present to the reading public. Some time before his death, " Tules of the Bannock Men," were announced for publication ; and from what we know of his peculiar talents, we have al- ways regretted the non-appearance of this publication. We have also seen a manuscript comedy by him, en- titled " Logan House, or the Laird at Home," of consider- able merit as a dramatic effort, and which, if cut down into three acts, would, in our opinion, succeed well as an acting piece. Generally speaking, we may say of this amiable and un- •' fortunate individual, that whilst his genius and talents were not of the highest stamp — not capable of extended effort, or commanding range — or impressed with that image and superscription on which the seal of immortality is set — that in his own peculiar walk of composition, as a describer and paiater of the humorous phases of human life and man- ners, in its most minute details, and a skilful analyser of character, in combination with an overflowing humour and comic richness of expression, relieved and exalted by the fre- quent flashes of a delicate irony, and a pimgent sarcasm — few writers, who have left so little behind them, have sur- passed, and not many have equalled him. XXTUl BIOGRAPHICAT, SKETCH OF Having thus briefly and feebly commemorated the virtue«. and essayed to do justice to the talents and productions of John Donald Carrick, whom (as Editor of the First Series of the present work) we have placed foremost of the lamented trio, whose names appear at the beginning of this sketch, we proceed to give some account of the second individual, whose memory has left behind it a long track of radiance, like sun-light flashing far and wide, over dark masses of still waters. Our task will be a brief one; for slender as were the materials for Mr. Carrick's biography, those are scaroo more ample which relate to the life of WILLIAM MOTHERWELL. Indeed, the events in the life and fortunes of a man of let- ters, are seldom of so salient a character, or of such a sti- mulating variety, as to form the basis of a narrative, the interest of which will extend much beyond the circle of his more intimate friends and associates. Mr. Motherwell was born in the city of Glasgow, on the 13th of October, 1797. His family came from Stirlingshire, where they resided for several generations, on a small property belonging to them, called Muirmill. Early in life he was trans- ferred to the care of an uncle in Paisley. There ho received the principal part of a rather liberal education, and there ha began the career of a citizen of tiie world, as an apprentice to tlie profession of law So great was the confidence roposer in him, that at the early age of twenty-one he was appointed ShcriflT-Clerk-Depute at Paisley — a situation very rospect- ablo, and of considerable responsibility, though by no means lucrative. In IH'iS, lie bocamo Editor of the Paisley Ad- WILLIAM MOTHERWELL. Xxix. yertiser, a journal wherein he zealously advocated Tory po- litics, to which he had long previously shown his attachment. During the same year, he conducted the Paisley Magazine — a periodical of local as well as general Interest, and which contained many papers of a rare and curious character. In 1829, he resigned the office of Sheriff- Clerk Depute, and applied himself exclusively to the management of the news- paper, and to literary pursuits. In the beginning of 1830, he appeared on a more im- portant theatre, and in a more conspicuous character. He was engaged as Editor of the Glasgow Courier — a journal of long standing, of respectable circulation, and of the Ultra-Tory school of politics. Mr. Motherwell conducted this newspaper with great ability, and fully sustained, if he did not at times outgo, its extreme opinions. From the time of his accepting this very responsible situation, to the day of his death— a period of five eventful and troubled years — during which the fever of party politics raged with peculiar virulence in the veins of society, it is universally conceded, by those who were opposed to his political opinions, as well as by the members of his own party, that he sustained his views with singular ability and indomitable firmness ; and if, at times, with a boldness and rough energy, both rash and unwise, the obvious sincerity and personal feeling of the writer elevated him far above the suspicion of being actuated by vulgar or mercenary motives. Motherwell was of small stature, but very stout and muscular in body — accom- panied, however, with a large head, and a short thick neck and throat — the precise character of physical structure the most liable to the fatal access of the apoplectic stroke. Accompanied by a literai-y friend, on the first of Noveirber XXX BIOGRAPUICAL SKETCH OF 1835. he had been dining in the country, about a couple of miles from Glasgow, and, on his return home, feeling indis- posed, he went to bed. In a fewhours thereafter he awakened, and complained of pain in the head, which increased so much as to render him speechless. Medical assistance was speed- ily obtained ; but, alas ! it was of no avail — the blow was struck, and the curtain had finally fallen over the life and fortunes of William Motherwell. — One universal feeling of regret and sympathy seemed to extend over society, when the sudden and premature decease of this accomplish- ed poet, and elegant writer, became known. His funeral was attended by a lai'ge body of the citizens, by the most eminent of the learned and literary professions, and by per- sons of all shades of political opinion. He was interred in the Necropolis of Glasgow, not far from the resting-place of hifl fast friend, Mr. Andrew Henderson ; and the writer of this brief memoir will long remember the feelings of deep regret with which he beheld the long procession of mourners winding its way up the steep ascents of that romantic place of graves, with the mortal remains of his private and liter- ary friend, although firm political opponent. For the information of such of our readers as arc not ac- quainted with the locality, wo may mention, that the place of his sepulture is well fitted for the grave of a poet. It is a small piece of level ground, above whicli bold masses of rock, crowned with trees and shrubs of various kinds, as- cend to a considerable height ; and below, the broken ground, richly wooded, and bristling with monumental co- lumns and other erections, slopes beautifully down to the banks of a small lake or dam, terminated by a weir, over which itH waters foam and frot. .at all sea.voos of the vear. WILLIAM MOTHERWELL. XXXI Wo hope, cro long, that some memorial of our gifted friend will rise amid these congenial shades (where some of the best dust in Glasgow now reposes), to refresh the eye of friendship, and tell the wandering stranger of " the inhabi- tant who sleeps below." In tlie year 1827, whilst at Paisley, he published his " Minstrelsy, Ancient and Modern" — a work which raised him at once to a high rank as a literary antiquarian. The intro- duction, a long and singularly interesting document, exhibits the writer's extensive acquaintance with the history of the ballad and romantic literature of Scotland — and independent of its merits as a historical and critical disquisition, is in it- self a piece of chaste and elegant composition, and vigorous writing. Soon after that he became Editor of the Paisley Ma- gazine, and contributed some of the sweetest effusions of his muse to enrich its pages — effusions which now began to in- terest and concentrate the public attention, until, in 1832, a volume of his poems was published by Mr. David Robertson, Glasgow, which fully established his reputation as one of the sweet singers of his native land. A few months previous to the publication of his poems, another proof of tlie fertile versatility of his genius was afforded in an elaborate and able preface, which ho contributed, to enrich a collection of Scottish Proverbs by his friend Mr. Andrew Henderson. In this essay, Motherwell exhibited a profound acquaint- ance with the proverbial antiquities of Scotland, and a fine and delicate tact in the management of a somewhat difficult subject. The style is equally elegant and vigorous, and shows him a master of prose, as of poetic composition. In 1836, an edition of the works of Robert Burns, in five volumes, was published, edited by him, in conjunction with XXXU BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF the Ettrick Shepherd. A considerable part of the life, with a large amount of notes, critical and illustrative, were snp. plied by Motherwell, with his usual ability and copious knowledge of his subject : but literary partnerships are sel- dom very fortunate in their consequences, and this was not fated to be an especial example of a contrary result. Mr. Motherwell was also a considerable contributor to the literary periodical — " The Day" — of which due mention has already been made, and which, for some time, command- ed a brilliant range of western talent. His memoirs of Bailie Pirnie formed one of the most amusing and masterly papers in that journal. It is understood he left behind a considerable amount of manuscript ; and, amongst other matter, a work embodying the wild legends of the ancient northern nations — a department of antiquarian research to which he was much devoted.* It is to be hoped, that a se- lection at least from these manuscripts will be laid before the public, as an act of justice to his memory. Of JMotherwell as a poet, it may bo observed generally, that his muse does not seem to us to have been indued with the sustained energy and vigour requisite for keeping long on the wing. The flight is steady, continuous, and graceful ; but the ascent is seldom high, or the range and vision long and commanding. Clear, sweet, and at times full of a tlirilling pathos, are the notes, and soft, low, and mournful as the autumn wind amid the dying loaves of the forest, arc the cadences of his Doric pipe, when he dips the wings of liis imagination in the pathetic or kindling memories of the past, or pranks his muse out in the • A poiilot) of tlilK, nndor tlic tillo of "The Doomrd Nino, or Iho Luiigbcln ItiliTH," ujiiicnictl In the TaiBloy JIapnzInc, pp. CO and Sir,. WILLIAM MOTHERWELL. -IXXIII g'arb and expression of the olden time ; as in " The Solemn Song of a Righteous Heart," — or in those wild sweet poems, " A Solemn Conceit," " A Monody," " The Bloom hath left thy cheek, Mary," &c. Of "Jeanie Morrison," " Wearies Well," and " My Held is like to rend, Willie," it were idle now to speak ; they are amongst the most pa- thetic effusions of the Scottish muse — full of a soft volup- tuous tenderness of feeling, and steeped in a rich tissue of warm poetical colouring, like a transparent veil over a weep- ing beauty. In another style of poetical composition, Mo- therwell has rarely been excelled — the sentimental and graceful vers de societe. Of such are " Love's Diet," " Could love impart," &c. In a light airiness, and graceful flexibility of language, and in a pointed but not harsh brevity of dic- tion, in unison with a certain gaiety and feminine elegance of thought, they appear to us to be perfect of their kind. In mixed society, Motherwell was rather reserved, but appeared to enjoy internally " the feast of reason and the flow of soul," amongst his intimate friends and associate^ who were but few in number. Amongst these, the principal, as we have noticed in our memoranda of Carrick, were that gentleman and Andrew Henderson. Opposite as in most respects were the cljaxacters and pursuits of these three individuals, a certain community of taste and feeling formed a bond of union amongst them : and it was rather amusing to observe, how their comparatively neutraliz- ing qualities dovetailed so naturally and finely into each oilier, as to form a h-ormonious concord. The constitu- tional reserve and silent habits of Motherwell — the quiet drolltry and sly humour of Carrick — with the irritable and aomewhat explosive abruptness of Henderson, formed XXXIT BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF a melange, so happily constituted, and so bizarre fre- quently in its results, that those who had access to their frequent symposia, will long remember the richness of the cordial and original compound. Thei'e was a depth of cha- racter, however, in Motherwell, which placed him naturally at the head of this firm fellowship ; and though apparently the least motive of the party, his opinions on most points, with his tastes and wishes, were generally a law to the others. \Vc have, lastly, to do justice to the memory of ANDREW HENDERSON, not the least remarkable member pi' this literary and ' 'couthie" coterie. Mr. Henderson was born at Cleish, near Kinross, in 1 783. His father was for many years gardener to the Lord Chief Commissioner Adam, at lilair-Adam, in Eifeshire ; and ap- pears to have destined his son to the same primitive profes- sion, to which he was bound apprentice, when at the age of tlnrtcen, to liis brother Thomas, tlien gardener to General Scott of Bellevue, Edinburgh. After liis apprenticeship was expired, ho removed into the service of tlio Earl of Kiimouls gardener, at Dupplin, where he remained a year, and afterwards migrated to the I'^arl of llopetoun's gardens for several months. ILs constitution, however, appears not to have been strong enough to withstand the severities of BO much oul-of-door exposure, and ho resolved to abandon ANDREW HENDERSON. XXXV the craft of old Adam for ever. A brother of his was settled iu Paisley as a clothier, and through his influence he obtain- ed a situation for him in a manufacturing house there, in which he continued, till the bankruptcy of his employers, about a year afterwards, threw him out of employment. About this period, the germ of his talents as an artist began to develope itself, and he now attended a drawing school, to methodize and give form and pressure to those peculiar artistical tastes and capacities which had long been ferment- ing in his mind. After some brief period of business inaction, he obtained the situation of foreman in the respectable house of Hepburn and Watt, then of Paisley, where he continued for four or five years. But his love for the pictorial art, to which for some years he had devoted his leisure hours, had now become the ruling passion ; and, in March 1809 he repaired to London, to complete his education as an artist, by a sedulous attendance at the Royal Academy, where he continued for three or four years. Having now devoted himself to the laborious profession of an artist, he maintain- ed himself partly by the sale of some of his pieces, but was mainly indebted for the means of subsistence, whilst in Lon- don, to the generous liberality of a brother. Mr. Hender- son's talents, as an artist, were chiefly devoted to portrait painting, in which, for many years after his settlement in Glasgow, which took place in 1813, he attained consider- able local celebrity. There is a freedom and spirit, with a breadth and vigour of colouring in his portraits, particularly in his earlier productions, which declare him to have been an artist of no common rank. Latterly, owing to his eyesight be- coming impaired, his portraits rather declined in reputa- XXXVl BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF tion — the colouring being inferior to tiiose of an earlier period. We have already had occasion to notice some of the pe- culiarities of Mr. Henderson's character. Eccentric he was undoubtedly, and of a temperament not a little uncertain and fiery — so that it required not seldom the indulgence and forbearance of his friends, to make allowance for the curious whims and startling humours with which at times he assail- ed them. Yet few men had more attached friends, or re- tained his older friendships with a more firm and genial grasp, or died more sincerely regretted. Henderson cannot be properly considei'ed as a literary character— his only publication being the excellent collection of Scottish Proverbs, published in 1832, to which Motherwell, his attached friend, contributed the admirable introduction to which we have already alluded. His claim to rank as one of the distinguished trio — of Carrick, Motherwell, and Henderson — i*ests upon the marked originality of his character, and the eccentric but overpowering eloquence of his language, when ho was fairly kindled into opposition. At such times, his rich command of the broad and vigorous dialect of his native tongue, in which he excelled all men we have ever met, seemed to endow him with a nervous elo- quence, and a copious energy of language, which descended like a hurricane on the head of the hapless wight who had unwittingly brought him out. No man could listen to him at such times, without feeling that ho was no ordinary per- son. In general, his conversaliou partook of the slaitliug originality, and the impetuous eccentricity of his character, and wa.s richly seasoned wilii l)road humour and sarcastic point. It was his custom to sit for some time silent in gcius ANDREW HENDERSON. XXXTU ral society, until something was advanced which touched upon any of his favourite views ; and if by chance he was in company with a pretended amateur, or a particularly affect- ed person, it was amusing to observe how he would sit " nursing his wrath," until the storm would collect, and burst forth in an absolute tornado of withering invective, or torrent of burning sarcasm. He had a strong dislike to the Celtic race ; and nothing could more effectually stir up his bile, than for any one to hold forth in their praise in his presence. Many amusing scenes took place in consequence of this rich peculiarity in his character. He was also a Btout defender of the state of single blessedness, and used to declare, that " he thanked God, that when he put on his hat, it covered his whole family." Mr. Henderson in person was large, and rather ungainly and awkward, which, added to a shrill, sharp voice, height- ened the effect of his eccentric habits, and original powers of conversation. When at the Royal Academy, and comparatively raw and timid, he sometimes excited the ri- dicule of his fellow-students. Amongst the rest, one impu- dent fellow, presuming on his apparent softness, teazed him frequently with his impertinence, and, on one occasion, pro- ceeded so far as to drop his saliva on a picture he was en- gaged in. "Without saying a word, Henderson felled the offender to the ground with a single blow, and then quietly resumed his labours. This master stroke relieved him from all further annoyance from his companions. To the deep regret of his friends, and of ft large circle of the public — admirers of his talents and character — this warm-hearted and genuine Scotsman was attacked with apoplexy, on the 9th of April, 1835, and expired after a few hours' illness. SXXVm BIOGRAPHICAL 8KKTCH, &C. He was interred in the Necropolis, as we have akeady no- ticed, near the spot where the remains of his friend Mother- well were deposited only six months afterwards. Carrick lies in the High Church burying-ground, in the near neigh- bourhood. So that these three fast friends, who lived long united in their lives, may be said not to have been divided in their deaths. Peace to their manes is all we shall add. To talents of no common order, they added the kindly af- fections, and the sincerity and truth of warm-hearted men. More genuine Scotsmen, in their tastes, habits, and feelings, sleep not in the lap of their native land. BEARINGS LAIED'S LOG. LoDgltode. Lat. Preface, . . . . iii Dedication v UlOORAPHY OP John Donald Carrick, . vii William SIotherwell, xxviii Andrew Hbndsrson, xxzir Long. Ab to Ac. A Beautiful Island, A Beggar's Diaoharge, A Beggar's Entry, . A Beggar's Bequest, A Black Sheep, A Broth of a Boy, . A Bute Toast, . A Canvassing Cobbler, A Careful Walk, . A Case of Distress, A Case Supposed, . A Cautious Adviser, A Chance Hit. A Charge of Horning, A Cheap Wife, A Clerical Antiquary, A Clerical Cook, . A Clerical Nurse, . A Collieshangie, Anglice Quarrel, A Conditional Prayer, A Conjugal Hint, . A ConjuKal Mistake, Dog 39 197 456 95 174 257 371 25 400 272 55 398 197 27 256 237 465 465 3.09 116 334 119 I/oog. Ac to Ag. LaU A Convenient Jail, . • 23 1 A Considerate Doctor, . ■ 278 A Consultation, . . .269 A Crap for a' Corns, • . H7 A Critical Elder, . . .447 A Daft Bargain, ... 142 A Dangerous Shot, . . 366 A Dean among the Beggars, 201 A Deep Cut, . . .397 A Determined Debater, . 444 A Disconsolate Widow, . 251 A Discriminating Eater, . 446 A Doctrinal Preacher, . 33 & 365 A Dog Tax 273 A Double Discharge, . . 132 A Drunkard's Apology, . 449 A Dry Rub 288 A Family Debt, . . .144 A Family Likeness, . . 267 A Female Chancellor, . . 365 A Friendship worth Having, 21 1 A Friend in Need, . . 275 A Friend at Table, . . 262 A Geographical Politician, . 27i> A Geographical Prayer, 115 A Gl Bgow Blow-Out, . . 415 A Glasgow Civic, . . . 1/8 A Good Natured Civic, . 101 A Good Natured Client, . 412 A Good Salesman, . . • 3C2 A Gcoso on the Wing, . . 27 A Grave Concern, . . • 434 A Great Noise and Little Wool, 408 X\ lUi!, LAIRD S LOG. Long. Ah to An. Lat. A Highland Apology, . 439 A Ilighland Cabinetmaker, . 110 A Highland Caution, . 433 A Highland Charge, . 437 A Highland Chronometer, . 455 A Highland Echo, . 238 A Highland Epitaph, . . 40 A Highland Financier, . . 51 A Highland Husband, . . 444 A Highland jMcmbcr of the Trade . 99 A Highland Pledge, 113 A Highland Preference, 48 A 1 lighland Servant and San Glass, .... 150 A Highland Voter, . 29 A Highland Watchman. 89 A Highland 'Wonder, . 257 A Hint t"? Guards to be on their Guard, 123 A Hint to Masters, . 138 A Hint to the Self-Righteous , 267 A Horse for a Ship's Crew, 100 .V Jack Ketch in the Nortli, 164 A Jeremy Diddler Diddled, 98 .V Kindred Spirit, . 21 A Lady's Reproof, . 291 A Lame Bargain, . 30 A Lawyer's Charity, 236 A Lawyer's Postscript, . III A LeftlTandcd Compliment, 138 A Legal Pursuer, . 117 A Legal Pedant Nonplussed, 34 A Liberal OfTer, . 479 A Local Tide 09 A Logical Deduction, . 286 A Man of Letter}, 330 A Marriage Dell, 2.18 A Matter of Taste, 196 A Member of Session, . 252 A Meeting of Friends, . ;.'WI A MI»-donl 21 1:, A Modern Jozebcl, 40 A .Modern Ornclo, . 48(1 \ Modifl.vl |-.ntall. i?fi \ Monkey's Tiilo, . 29.'. \ Natural Inference, 29 Long An to As. Lat. A Nautical Road Maker, . 274 .\ New Edition with a Ven- geance, . . . .110 A New Light, ... 32 A Noisy Neighbour, . , 20 A Northern Socrates, . . 158 A Nose with a Warrant, . 114 A Paisley Pun, . . .111 A Paisley Toast, . . .441 A Passing Remark, . . 435 A Peerless Country, . . 357 A Perpetual President, . . 292 A Physician's Apology, . . 435 A Political P.ortisan, . . 92 A Poor Customer, . . . 148 A Poser, 121 A Practical Joke, . . . 289 A Pr.actieal Remark, . . 261 A Precentor's Prayer, . . 115 A Press of Business, . . 389 A Profitable Servant, . . 114 A Promise to Balance Ac- counts 236 A Prospect of Relief, . . 355 A Prudent Advice, . . 131 A Punch-Drinker from Home, 84 A Qualified Legal Practitioner, 477 A Railing Accusation, . 31 A Heal Veteran, 362 A Rough Passage, . 32 A Royal Pun, 3«4 A Royal Regiment, 45 A Sacrifice for Conscience, . ■"es A Scotch Advice, . 456 A Scotch Answer, . 48 A Scotch Bankrupt, KiS A Scotch Beggar, . 247 A Scotch Bull, 329 A Scottish Cesar attempting to Cross the Rubicon, 368 A Rcotoh Coroner, . 47 A Scotch Hint, . . 392 i: 4(16 A Scotch Ma.son, 231 A Scotch Nickname, 4.12 A ficotcli 1 292 24 100 an 143 124 200 N. National Partiality, . . 262 Nature's Rhetoric, . . 4611 No Friendship in Trade. . 41 No Hetums, .... 4.')r«nt and more likely cavsn, than that given out by Hobs WHAT If) AM) NVliAT IS NOT IN A NAMK. \S hundred yard«, for the most part occupied as iwiilcrs' fiuithies, the ben end of which serves for " parlour and kitciien and all," denominated Charter's Hall, in tlie eouuty of ytirling', parish of St, Ninian's — was born certainly the greatest street orator of our day, William Camcion. His parents were poor but industrious, and contriv- ed from their husbanded resources, to give their son an education in English, writing, and the elementary por- tion of the science of numbers, superior to their station in society. Early acuteness of intellect, and an injury which one of his limbs had sustained while an infant, by a fall from the arms of a careless servant, induced the provident pair to task, their ingenuity to the utmost to provide against the casualties of life for their cripple charge. Cameron, however, showed a most untructable dis- position from a very child ; — perhaps over indulgence, which almost all children who arc disabled in any way receive, tended to foster this habit ; and as he advanced in years, his temper sliowed its inveteracy in every possible way. The kindness of a mo>t ati'ectionaie mother, who watched over him night and day, could not subdue this obstinacy. We have heard Hawkie liiniself say, when remonstrated with about his dissolute life — •' Oh man, if I hadna hud the heart of a hyena my mither's tears would hao saftened it lang afore now j " It is to bo destroyed," said tho Abcrdour btirk, " bya flood o' whUky, :iiid tho wives wiU bo forrj'ing in washing tubs friio ao door to anitliur, lUid inony o" their lives will be hot, that, itherwise, niiclit hae In-eB saved, by loiitingower their tubs to try the tlood, whether it was sky bl 114 or tho real reriiit<)i,h." This pix-diotiim was a prutitable s|>eculatiun fur aonio tinio, and Ilawkiucutitiiiiied to cry it w^ freiiuently, that the nick- itanio beeanio, as publishers say, btereotyi>oenton in (ilaagow, wo have heard, who speaks through a somewliat roughish tube, being very husky, to whom this name is also applied; lur heir at law threatened an action of damages fur assuming the tiUo belong, iiig pTclusively to liini. 16 WHAT IS AND AVHAT IS NOT IN A NAME. my couscieace yet gies me sair stangs .Avhen I think about her, andlhae just to huzzh'd asleep wi' whisky." He was apprenticed to a tailor, as being a more suit- able profession for him than one that required greater exertion ; but Hawkie could not be tied down by fet- ters of the lawyer's forging, nor amount of penalty in- volving his securities, and made off from the knight of the shears. We have before us Hawkie's autobiography, in which he gives us an account of this engagement: — " The first glisk that I got o' this slubberdegullion o' a maister gied me the heartscad at him. Quo' I to mysel', bin me as ye like, I'll no rowt lang in your tether, I'se warrant ye — we're no likely, for a' that I can see, to rot twa door checks thcgither — and if a' reports were to be believed, better at padding the inside of the poucli lids, than handlin' the goose. The first job that he gied me, was to mak a holder (needle-cushion) for mysel', and to it I set. — I threaded the best blunt, and waxed the twist till it was like to stick iu the passage — I stour'd awa, throwing my needle-arm wecl out, so that my next neighbour was obliged to hirsel himsel' awa frae me, to keep out o harm's way. I stitch'd it, back-stitched it, cross-stitch'd it, and then fell'd and splaed it wi' black, blue, and red, grey, green, and yellow, till the ae colour fairly kill'd the ither — my answer to every advice was, I kent what I was doin' — did I never see my mither makin' a husscy ? By the time I had gien my holder the last stitch, my maister hinted that it wasna likely that I would e'er mak saut to my kail southering claith the. githcr, and that tliough tlie shears were run through every stitch o' the indenture, it wadna break his heart. Thinks I to inyscl', there's a pair o' us, as the cow said to cuddle, and my crutch can do tlie job as weel as your clippers ; so I laid the whup to my stilt, and took the road hamc." WHAT IS ANU WUAT 18 KoT IN X NAJIE. 17 Cameron was a^cain sent to school — his anxious pa- rents still tliiuking' tliat liis liabits would settle down into so'ie useful employment — and a Dominie, or teacher, in some moorland district, was resolved on : after qualifying' for wiiich, he some time wielded the taws over the children of the miners at Plean Muir Colliery, not far I'rom Stirling. The taws were also thrown aside, and the indomitable roving- spirit of the unhappy orator threw him loose from every moral or relative restraint. He attached himself to a band of tlie most dissolute strolling players, and 'starr'd it ' through part of tho county of Fife. Tlie character given to Cameron to support, by the Manager, wui the priest in George Barnwell, and tlie longitude of tlie olhcial robe covered all defects in tiie lower extremities. Tiio stage turned out to be an un- profitable speculation, and they found that their pence were converted into halfpennies and the scene of Ilaw- kie's eventful life was again shifleil. A toy manufacturer was the craft that Cameron iie.\t tried ; but this was too laborious for him, and he then tried china mending, and formed a connexion witli an itinerant cementer of crockery ware — hut iu> cemont could bind the unsettled changeling. He now commenced the profession of speech-crying, which he followed till his death in 1851. With a bound- less range of iningination, a most minute knowledge of persons, places, circumstances, dates, ficts, real and manufactured, and a most tenacious memory, there is no person whom we have ever heard who could weave a more apparently consiatcnt narrative. He was told, when he complained of infirmity, that ho look./d as well as he had done for years. " Na," he replied, " I'm a gone corbie this winter, if I gctna some place to shelter me ; I may look about my usual, but I often compPTB ni} sil' to tlie Rriggate clock ; it keeps a 18 WHAT IS AND WHAT IS NOT IN A NAME. guid weel gilt outside, but the wark is sair gane within — it's chappin often three o'clock in the afternoon when it's only twal i' the day." Feeling his infirmities in the beginning of the winter of 1838, he was persuaded to take refuge against the perils of exposure to the pitiless storms of winter, in the city hospital, uliere he remained for about six months. When Hawkie left the city hospital. Dr. Auchin- closs, surgeon to the hospital, who was very atten- tive to him, gave him some money, remarking — " Weel Hawkie, I'll tak ye a bet, that the first place ye land in is a spirit cellar," "I'll tak odds on your side, Doctor," replied Hawkie. On his first appeai'ance in the street, to follow his wonted calling, ne addressed his hearers: — "Weel, ye'll hac been thinking I was dead, but I needna tell ye that that's no true, for I'm a living evidence to the contrary. I have been down in the Town's hospital this while taking care o' mysel', for I hae nae notion o' putting on a fir feckitas lang as I can help it, but I'm nae better other- wise than when I gaed in, and if I may believe my ain e'en there's as little improvement on you." THK LA[RD OF LOGAN. THK nONOURS OF THE TABLE. Thotjoii Logan, ns we have already oliserved in our intro- dnction, was not distinguished for his lilioral attainments, ho was nevertheless considorod an axoellont ' table man, and carved with a dogrcf of neatness and dexterity rather unusual, and he took much pleasure in exhibiting this ao complishment. On one occasion, being inrited to dine at E Castle, where lie was a great favourite, the Countess, by way of mortifAnng his vanity, and having at (he same time a little amusement at tho Jark in front of the mansion house, did the pursuer follow the cook, till she was fairly out of breath, when she turned round, and putting her hands I-ATSD OF LOOAN. 25 an her sides, smilingly said, " Man Jock, that's been a race." Jock, grounding his arms, replied — " Hech, _vo may say't'" A CANVASStNG ConHLER. When a gallant and honourable gentleman was proposed to represent one of the northern counties in Scotland, he was objected to by an old cobbler, who had dogged him through the different polling districts, and annoyed, by his sly humour, the party who supported the gallant candidate. The claimant for popular support had invaded the domestic circle of a nobleman in a neighbouring county, and abducted his lady. When the announcement was made from the hustings, of his qualifications for their suffrages, as being a proper person to represent the county, the cobbler — sticking like rosin to the object of his attack — started up on a ladder, so as to bring himself distinctly before the electors, and ob- jected. " r beg to oppose that nomination. I say that the gentleman is not a fit and proper person to represent this large and respectable county, for he's a thief!" " Sir," said the leader on the hustings, " take care what you say, or you shall be look'd after." "I'll manteen't," said the man of awls ; " did ho no steal a hen frao Whinny Burn?" DIVISION OF LABOUR. Annoying as it is in all places, it is doubly so in Ireland — the ho.st of porters that literally mob travellers on their arrival or departure. A gentleman leaving an inn in Bel- fast, had paid the boots for carr)-ing his luggage to the coach office — had paid the porter at the office for having his packages put on the coach — when a third party put in a claim. " An' troth, Sir, " said Pat, " is there to be nothin" goiu' at all at all for tlu'm weary murderin' trunks, your honour ; an' sure an' the coach will carry you all the lighter that tiu'v have been put intirely under your command and 26 LAIBD OF LOGAN. safety — surely, Sir, and tho sun will light the road for you ^0 Donaghadee, and never a stone turn the wheel over." " Get you gone, you talkative impostor." " Don't be in a rage now, else you'll take the coul' in your mouth, and make thim pretty teeth of yours raise a rackit ; — something now for all my trouble, and nothin' will come over you but good luck for ever and amin." " Well Su", you scoundrel, what did you do then — I paid boots to carry my luggage to the coach office — I paid the porter there — you there, carroty- headed fellow, didn't I pay you for putting it up on tho coach ?" " And troth, Sii-, may you never be after doing nothin' that's worse. Sir, you paid me dacently." " You iiear that. Sir ; what did you do — come." " Troth, Sir, didn't I superintend ?" ONE THING CERTAIN. The late Mr. Carrick was exceedingly ready in giving a humorous turn to conversation, and making his inferences tell with the happiest effect on the arguments of an adver- sary. Sir. C. happened to be present at a diniig party, where a recent importation from Sam Slick's country was holduig large discourse on the advantages, political, moral, social, natural, and intellectual, of America. " Ay," says one, "youi- liberty, too — how universal! — no preference. Noah's descendants, of all shades, blend so delightfully." " Ah, what of that then — black population — they are only fit for ' hewers of wood, and drawers of water,' — and hai'k ye, 1 had rather be a marble-headed negro in the Virginian States, than one of your Paisley weavers." " Ye would," remarked Mr. C, "aye be sure of a blade coat to your back, at ony rate." A MODIFIED ENTAIIi, A .SPENDTHRIFT associate of Logan's who had squander- m1 a very handsome patrimony, once called to consult liiio ( 4 LAiilO OF r.OOAN. •I'l aboat the most advantageous method of laying out ihe IVag- incnts of his fortune. " Buy B ," said the Laird. •* Buy B !" cried the other, with a look of astonish- mcnt, " what would I do wi' B ? its iiaethiujj but a hatter of peat-pots fi-ae the one end to the other." " That's ray reason," said the Laird, *' for advising the purchase, as ye wad tak' the langer to run through it." A GOOSE ON THE WING. The keen sarcastic wit which occasionally displayed itself in the conversation of Logan was at once the dread and the amusement of his associates. Though by no means prone to that mischievous propensity, indulged in by some wits, of running tilt against every one whoso seeming simplicity of character oRered a safe and inviting butt for the shafts of their ridicule; yet he seldom failed to apply the lash to those who, by their overweening conceit or intrusive imper- tinence, rendered themselves troublesome to others. On. one occasion, being at Ayr during the races, and happening to dine in a promiscuous party at the inn, the company soon found themselves annoyed by a loquacious egotist from Edinburgh, who coidd talk of nothing save the consequence and extensive business enjoyed by the house with which he was connected, and of which he represented himsrlf as the grand moving principle ; " indeed so much so," said he, "that without mo they could not get on at all." " What may their name bo, man ?" said Logan. *' Their name," said the other, drawing himself up to a proper altitude, " is ^& Co., military clothiers, North Bridge, Edinburgh." " Weel, man," said Logan, " I believe every word vou'vo said, for I never yot heard of a tailor that could carry on business without his goose." A CHAnCK OF nORNI.SG. FiOaAN once dined with a very extensive landed proprie- "28 LAIRD OF LOGAN, tor in the county of Ayr, (who afterwards attained legisla- tive honours,) when a great many of the acre aristocracy were present. After dinner, cards were introduced, and the game was so keenly pursued, that the sun of the following morning, which happened to be that of the sabbath, had attained that point in the heavens which indicated on the dial, six, ere the party desisted; and the armistice only lasted while shaving and breakfasting were adoing. The card-tables were again set out on the lawn in front of the mansion-house, in the blaze of nearly by this time a meridian sun. One of the party, we believe the landlord himself, wore a morning gown of a flaming scarlet colour, which attracted the notice of a bull who was grazing along with the cows in their immediate neighbourhood, who made directly towards the party, crooning and casting the turf over his shoulders. Logan noticed the approach of the in- censed animal, and cried out, " Rin into the house, ye deovils ! e'en the vera bill canna stan' the sicht o' cards on the sabbath-day I" THE HOME DEPARTMENT. John Sibbald and his helpmate resided in one of the Paisley wynds, and lived in the dog and cat terms of amia- bility. John, in the domestic rencounters, generally came off second best ; but whether it was, that his generosity of temper prevented him from using a heavy hand in these combats, or want of muscular powers, we know not, — report says the latter was the cause. Tlie warfare had been carried on, one day, more sharply than usual, and John had suflored so much, as to be fairly invalided, and laid up in blanket nursing. A neighbour called in, to make inquiry at the victorious helpmate, as to the proper address of a public office, in order to despatch a letter of inquiry. " Dist thou, Mrs. Sibbald, ken whar the War Office is ; ye min' our son Jock, that listed in the twa- and forty, seventeen year come the time.'' '* Brawly ; wha LAIRD 0/ LOOAN. 29 disna mind hira? the bonniest lad that cVr wa? clad in tar- tan ; but I'm sure, that I couldna toll you, unless I wad lie whar the War Office is. but I'll specr at our John ; he's in his bed, for he's been afF his ordinar' this twa days — John, dear, dist thou ken whar the War Office is?" " Wha's wantin' to ken ?" inquired John. " It's Nance Stcenston, our neigh- bour ; she's g»'in to send a letter, to speer if her son, that listed wi' the sodgers, is deed or leevin." " Weel just gae ben, and toll her that she's in the War Office." A HrCHLAND VOTER. When Mr John Boyle Gray stood as a candidate for the first municipal district in the city council of Glasgow, a son of the Mist was pressing forward, with an anxiety to tender his vote, as if the fate of the election depended upon it. " Well." said the presiding sheriff', " for whom do you vote." «' What's my vote, did you'll said." " Yes." " To BoJ John Gray, to be sure." A NATURAL INFERENCE. A Dissenting minister in the presbytery of Stirling, had for lecture one sabbath forenoon, the siege of Samaria. After reading the passage about the price given for an ;iss' head, he remarked, " An', my friends, p lor picking tlioy would liHti ai it after » ." THE EFFECT OF HABIT. A DiNEU-ODT in a certain gay city, in the land of calces, had a recess of a couple of days in one week, from his gas- (ronomio labours. "Do you know," said he to a friiMiil, "that I went to bed sober two nights last week, and fill vervlittle the worse for iu" 80 LAIRB or LOGAN. A LAME BAKGAIN. One day Logan attended a horse-market in his neigh- boiirhood, for the purpose of selling a mare he wished for his own reasons to part with. After many inquiries were made by various dealers respecting price and other particu- lai's, a customer at last presented himself, and the two soon came to terms. VvTiila paying down the cash, the buyer asked if he v.arranted the beast sure-footed ? " Sure-foot- ed!" said the Laird, "what do you mean by that ?" *' 1 moan," said the other, " does she keep her feet on the road ?" " I'll warrant she'll do that as weel's ony beast that ever stepped ; I've had her these four years, and I never kent her miss a foot yet " The buyer, thus assured, moimted his bargain, and roJe off. A few days after, however, he called at Logan House, and loudly complained of being deceived. " Tell me how, man ?" said the Laird. " Tell you how I" cried the indignant buyer, " did you not assure me that she kept her feet; now I've only had her three days, and she's come down wi' me throe times." " That may be," said Logan, " and the beast no to blame either : I'se warrant she's kept her feet for a' that, and if ye gang hame and count, ye'll find .she has a' that e'er she had." GOOD EXCUSE FOR A BAD HAT. Logan, like some other eccentrics, seems to have disliked parting with liis old habiliments. Visiting London on some occasion, he was met by an acquaintance in one of the fashionable regions of the city, who observing the Laird to have on a " shocking bad hat," could not refrain from ex- pressing his surprise at his negligence. " Oh," rejoins the wit, "it maks nao difference what I wear here — no ane kens me." This of course was a settler. Some short time after- wards, however, the parties mot again in Edinburgh, at Logan's old favourite haunt — the old favourite chapeau still maintained its crowning eminence. Now, thinks the assail- LAtUD OF LOOAW. f} 1 ant, I shall certainly hedge him. " Well, Logan, still sticking to the old hat!" " Hoot man !" replies the wit, dryly, " what matters what I wear licre — every body kens me." A THRASnER. A HicnLANDER wlio was iiircd to bo a servant with a farmer, proving to bo rather lazily inclined, ho had every morning to be roused to go to his work in the barn. Half sleeping one morning when called on, ho roars out, " You pc aye cry, cryin' in tac mornin', rise Tonal an' trash, put yo never cry rise Tonal and get her preakfast." A RAILING ACCUSATION. Dr. F. of N , whose disputes and constant litiga- tions with liis heritors would, if printed in full, occupy several goodly folios, had, among other.'?, a complaint about an in- sufficient fence wliich surrounded his garden. The heritors agreed amongst themselves, that a committee should go to the spot, and arrange with the Doctor about repairing the old fence, or making a new one. After the deputation had examined the fence, they repaired to the Manse, and ex- plained " that they were anxious to give his garden every protection." " That's just what I want," replied the Doc- tor. " Well then," said one of the deputation, " suppose we give your garden enclosure an cffectuai security in the shape of a strong fence of stabs and railing ?" " Stabs and railing, Sii", I have had nothing else since I came amongst you." KKEP Torn CAB STEEKIT WHAN TE KKNNA TOUR COMPA.N'T. One d.iy that Dr. V. was travelling in the inside of a coach, where there happened to be two passenger.*, one of whom belonged to " the parish," and knew the Doctor, 32 LAIRD OF LOGAN. the other abruptly asked, in the Doctor's presence, " if he knew how that fellow F. was getting on now." A signifi- cant look conveyed to the querist, the agreeable intelligence that their fellow-passenger was the veritable Doctor. Af- ter a considerable pause, and having looked all the direc- tions of the compass ere he could address himself to the Doctor, to offer the mediatory pinch of snuff, " No, Sir," said the indignant clergyman, pushing away the prof- fered pinch, " I neither snuff, nor allow myself to be snuffed at." A ROUGH PASSAGE. Two Paisley Corks were returning in the steamer from seeing their families at the coast. The tide was unusually low, and the steamer, though it di"ow as little water as any passage boat on the river, grumbled against the sand, half passage. " Weel deacon, what think ye o' our sail the day ?" " sail ca' ye't," replied the deacon, " it's far likcr a hurl." A NEW LIGHT. Every body has heard of the tipsy Irishman's attempt to light his pipe at a pump, but few arc aware that Donald M' Alpine, from somewhere about the Braes o' Doune, expe- rimented in like manner on a fresh herring. One evening lately Donald had exceeded his usual, both in toddy and in time, and, for more reasons than one, unwilling to awaken his better half, he crawled cautiously and quietly into his domicile, and preparing to crown the evening's debauch with a whif or two from his pipe, he felt the hob for the ac- customed " gathering peat," but which had become extinct long before Donald and his cronies had fully settled the af- fairs of Kirk and State; yet spying on the plate shelf what he thought suitable to his purpose, applied his cuttic to a phosphorescent fresh herring ; — fuff — fuff — (hiccup) — pooh — bio wed Donald, " what tlie sorrow can the gudewifo mean I.AinT) OF I.OUAN. 33 wi' alighted peat on a tiinmer biuk ?" and finding all his puffing unavailing, he grasped the shining herring, but its unexpected coldness and clamminess caused him instantly to drop it, as Paddy would say, like a hot potato. " Rise guidwife and tak' care o' the bairns," roared Donald, " the peats fa'an into the cradle araang the clouts, we're a' in a low, we're a' in a low;" and down he dropped himself among the said clouts, either to smother the expected confla- gration, or resignedly to await the anticipated catastrophe. The wake-rife Mrs. M' Alpine, who had long practised sleep- ing with only one eye at a time, declared that she witnessed the whole proceedings; but being well accustomed to her husband's Tagaries, " left him alone in his glory," and found him next morning snoringly asloop, with the pipe in his mouth, doubled up in the cradle ; and, as she expressed it, " with the soles o' baith his feet, and his face turned up to the kebbars." A DOCTRINAI, I'RKACHKB. A MRMBicR belonging to the congregation of the Secession, under the late Mr. Pringle of Pollokshaws, went to see some old acquaintances who resided in the village of Kippen, Slir- lingshire— one of those privileged places, of wlilcli proverb says, " out of the world and into Kippen." The Rev. .Mr Anderson, clergyman of the parish, a gen- tleman of amial)le manners, and assiduous in iiis attentions to the best interests of his parishioners, gave two or three ser- mons during the brief sojourn of the Secedcr from Shaws, which pleased him exceedingly, as they happened to turn on iiigh doctrinal points. Speaking of these discourses to Mr. IMngleonhis return — " Yen's the preacher, Mr. Pringle r.ano o* your fusionless legal tra.sh ; — eh I but he's a ter- rible ouemy to guid warks." TUB LAST TiKhT. An old mau about to bid a last adieu to Kilbarchan, had 34 LAIRU OF LOGAN. his friends called round him, when he was desired by his wife to tell what debts were owing to him : — " There's awn me five shillings for mutton." " Oh," interjected the delighted helpmate, "to see a man at his time o' day, and just gaun to close his last account, hae the use o' his facul- ties ; just say awa, James." " Ay, an ten shillings for beef." " What a pleasant thing to see a man deein', an' sensible to the last ! — ony mair — but no to distress yoursel." " An' a crown for a cow's hide." " Ay," quoth the wife, " sensible yet ; weel, James — what was't ye was gawn to say?'' " Nae mair," quoth James ; " but I'm awn Jock Tamson twa pound in balance o' a cow." " Hoot, toot," quoth the wife, " he's ravin' now — he's just tattrin', dinna mind ony mair that he says." A LEGAL PEDANT NON-PLCSSED. Isaac M'Gregor was a simple-minded rustic of a most obliging disposition, with a vein of sarcastic humour which he could work with very decided effect when occasion re- quired. He rented a small patch of ground that fringed the muir of Kippen, part of the estate of Stirling of Garden. Isaac had never seen much of the great world. With a couple of horses he contrived to keep the thatch over his shoulders and the wheels of life in working condition, by carrying whisky for the far-famed Kepp distillery, the proprietor of which, the late Mr. Cassils, was distantly related to him. Isaac piqued himself on his knowledge of horses, and was gener- ally his own farrier, whether as respected medical treatment, or arming the hoofs of that noble animal against the tear and wear of the road. Isaac had been witness to the sale of a horse at the fair of Shandon, whicli, tliougl) sold as sound, turned out after- wards to have some defect in the hoof; and an action was raised before the sheriff", and proof allowed, to show tliat the disease was of long standing, and tliat the fault must have buoii known to the vendor at tliu time of sale. Isaac was LAIHD OF LOGAN. 35 suiuiuoiiLii to Dumblano, to give evidence before the sin rilf in favour of tlie defender. The agent employed by the pursuer was as pompous a " quill- drivt'r" as ever scribbled on parchment or small pott. Peter Dudgeon (for that was his name) boasted that he had a more complete knowledge of the English language than any practitioner in sheriff or burgh court, from the Gram- plans to Cheviot, from his having the whole of Johnson's dictionary at his finger-ends. The words selected by Peter for common use, were remarkable more from the quantity of the alphabet employed in their construction, than from their adaptation to the idea meant to be conveyed. Peter thought to dash Isaac, and so confuse him at first, that his evidence would want coherence, and therefore be rejected. The officer called out, " Is Isaac M'Gregor in court?" " Yes Sir !" shouted Isaac, in a voice like the re- port of school-boy artillery. " Come forward, then." Peter threw himself back into his seat and looked terror, at the same time displaying a frill of cambric of extraordi- nary depth and longitude. " Your name is Isaac M'Gregor —is it ?" '• The minister ance ca'd me that, and I haena had ony reason to change 't since; but ye needna speir my name, for ye hae kent me ony time this twenty years." " It is only for the information of the court." " Gif that be a", you're abler to tell them than I am — you're glibber in the tongue." •' Very well ; gentlomen of the court, the depon- ent's name is Isaac M'Gregor, a most enlightened, ratiocin- ating, and philosophic carter, from the bloody mires of Loch- Leggin. Notice that, gentlemen ! Do you know anything about the vending, transtulution, or transfer of the quadru- ped in question ?" " I didna bring my dictionary in my pouch this day, or else I micht hae been able to spell your mean- ing: maybe, my lord judge, yo'll be able to explain wliat he means, for to me there's just as muckle sense in the blether o' the heather blutter !" " He means to ask. witness, do you know any thing about the sale of the horse, the subject on wnich you are summoned hero'" " Thank you, my 3G LAIRD OF LOGAM. lord. Yes, I ken that the hoi-se was selt to Jock Paterson there ; and he appeared to me to be weel worth a' the siller he gied for him." " Well, my sexagenarian friend Isaac," resumed Peter, " how do you know, or how can you satisfy your mind as to the validity of the testimony upon which your powers of perception have chosen to arbitrate so temerariously." " Och, man 1 it would tak you a lang time to ken as muckle about horses as I do ; ye would need to gang out and ea/ grass wi' them for seven years, like auld Nebuchadnezzar, afore ye learnt your lesson." Peter was fairly put out, and got into a violent rage. " My lord, I have asked a plain question, and I must de- mand a categorical answer, or I shall move that the witness be cominitted for contempt of court." " I would advise you, Mr. Dudgeon," said the judge, " to put your questions in a more intelligible shape, and I have no doubt but the witness will give you a respectful answer." " That sairj ye right, Peter," said the imperturbable Isaac, " an gin I had you in the muir o' Kippen, I would let ye fin' the weight o' that shakle-bane alang the side o' your head — and mak thae hornshottle teeth in your mouth dance the Dusty Miller. Ony mair to speir, ye manifest piece o' impudence?" " What do you know about the value of a horse ?" resum- ed Peter. " I wonder what I should ken about, if I didna ken about horse — I may say born and brought up amang them — mair than ye can say, Mr. Peter, o' the profession ye hae taen by the hand." " Have you made it your busi- ness to become acquainted with the veterinary art, whether as applied to the general anatomy of the horse, or the moral and physical habits of this useful animal ; and, to attain the requisite degree of knowledge, have you studied carefully, the article on that subject in the Encyclopedia Britannica; and most particularly, as in the minutiae of detail on this subject, have you bouglit of your bookseller, a copy of the work, entitled The IJorse, publiaiied under tlie sanction and i.Ainn OF i.(i«;av. 37 patronage of the society donominating thumselves Tlio Society for Diffusing Useful Knowledge, and made it your study by night and by day ?" " Ilcch sirs ! nao wonder, Peter, than you're blawing like a bursting haggis, after a' tii:it blatter o' words; you'll hae pitten a' the lair ye e'er got at the college in that speech, I'se warrant; — ye mind sin* you and I were at Claymircs school thegither, what a poor fusionless whey-faced sliawp o' a creature you war, baith in soul and body, and that you coudna spell your ain name !" " Do you know, then, any thing about the diseases that horses are predisposed to ?'' " Lang- winded is no ano o' them, at ony rate." " From your knowledge of the veterinary art, and the profound attention that you have bestowed on the subject, (vould you presume to say, that a horse's hoof might be the seat of any latent, unmanifested ailment — disease — malady — gangrene or tumour, protected though it be by the crust or wall of the foot, without being visible to tho ocular fa- culty? Now!" " Did ye hear the thunder down there, lads ? Ye may be verra thankfu', Mr. Dudgeon, that ye haena mony teeth left in the front o' your mouth, or thae big words could never hae gotten out." " Really, Mr. Dudgeon," said the judge, " you are taking up too much of the time of the court, by useless preliminaries. If you have any of your young men in Court, would you allow one of them to take up the examina- tion?" " Very well, my lord." " William, take up this brief, or case, and farther inter- rogate that incorrigible carter." " Witness! the next question in ray brief, or case — and recollect you ax-o still upon oath, is — Do you suppose it possible for a disease or ailment to exist in the perforating flexor tendon, without immediately manifesting itself in occasioning lameness by its action in tho chamber of the hoof?" " Weel, my lord judge, after a', are time twa no a bonny pair ? as the craw «aitl o' his claws." The court became perfectly convulsed. 4i07oy 38 LAIRD OF LOGAN. SO ihat the sheriff was himself obliged to finish the examina- tion. POPULAR PREACHING. A REVEREND gentleman, who had a guid gift o' the galj, or, as the late James Bell, of geographical and antiquarian celebrity, used to phrase it, " The art of communicating naething." delivered a sermon in the neighbourhood of Glas- gow, for some public purpose, which delighted the mob as a tub does the whale. The declaimer took high Calvinistic points of doctrine, to the almost exclusion of the practical bearings of the sub- ject. A bonnetted abhorrer of legal preaching, in return- ing home was overheard eulogising : — " Man, John, wasna yon preachin' ! — yon's something for a body to come awa wi' — the way that he smashed down his text into so mony heads and particulars, just a' to flinders. — Kine heads, and twenty particulars in ilka head — and sic mouthfu's o' grand words ! — an' every ane o' them fu' o' meaning if we but kent them — we hae ill improved our opportunities ; — man, if we could Just mind ony thing he said, it would do us guid." ANTI-BILIOUS SOUP. Two old maids, who lived in the vicinity of Logans' estate, had made themselves notorious, like the rest of the parchment-skinned sisterhood, as moral dissectors ; and had made enemies of the whole neighbourhood, in consequence of the unsparing use they had made of the untameable tongue, laying open the moral sores of those who came in their way. Justice, in her usual retributive manner, caused the bile which they used to discharge on others to accumulate on themselves ; and for the benefit of their health, they were recommended to go to the Holy Island, situate in the mouth of the bay of Lamlash, much infested with vipers, from which a soup was made, famed for the cure of complaints to which females living iu a state of single blessedness, are LAIRD OF l.OCAM. 39 Bu!)joct. Logan advised them " No to gang sac far frae hamc for viper soup ; just, ladles," said he, " swallow your ain spittle;." A UEAUTIFUL ISLAND. A FEW days ago, a lady from London, who had come down witli her husband, for the purpose of rusticating among the romantic shades of the island of Bute, called on a certain Mrs. Snodbody, who lets sea-bathing quarters in the neigh- bourhood of Rothesay, with the intention of arranging for part of her premises. Having narrowly inspected the ac- conwnodations, she asked if the beds were free of bugs. " Keep your mind easy about that," said the pawky old woman, " everybody but strangers ken that nae bugs come farther down the water than Gourock ; the smell o' the sea- weed kills them a' before they can pass the Kempock." " Well, that's one very comfortable thing ; now, my good woman, I wish to ask you this — I was almost frightened to death with thunder, in our journey from London — have you much thunder here during the summer months ?" " Thunder I" cried Mrs. Snodbody, with a look of well- feigned astonishment, " Losh, mem! do you no ken that Hutc's an island ? wha ever heard of thunder in an island!" The fair Cockney, as if ashamed of her ignorance, turned to her husband : " Well, my dear, this is just the spot fur us ; what a beautiful island it is, to be sure? and only think, we'll neither be troubled with bugs nor thunder !" LOVE AT BIGHT. A SERVANT girl, of no strong intellect, who lived with a lady in the neighbourhood of Paisley, one day surprised lier mistress by giving up her place. The lady inquired the cause, and found it was that fertile source of dissension between mistress and maid-servant — a lad. " And who is this lad?" inquired her mistress. " Ou he's a nice lad — a lad that sits in the kirk just forenent me." " .\nd when does he intend that vnu and he should be mar- 40 LAIRD OF LOGAN. ried ?" " 1 dinna ken." " Ai-e you sure he inteuds to marry you at all?" " I daur say he does, mem.'' "Have you had much of each other's company ?" " No yet," " When did you last converse with him ?" " Deed we hae na con- versed ava yet." "Then how should you suppose that he is going to marry you ?" " Ou," replied the simple girl» "he's been lang lookin' at me, and I think he'll soon be speakin'." A HIGHLAND EPITAPH. Here lie interr'd a man of micht, His name is Macom Downie, He'll lost his life one market niclit, In fa'ing afl' his pounie. Aged 37 year. AN EXTENSIVE MANUFACTORY. Two importations from the lofty-peaked eminences of the north, lodged together in a room in the High street of Glas • sow. The wonders of the Scottish Babel furnished mate- rials for large conversation in the evenings — amongst the rest, the immense fuel required to serve the city. " It's a wondcrfu' fire what they'll prunt in this town, Peter — it's a thought to me about it — yes, too, Peter, more nor one fire prunt in mony house ; did any body told you whar tey'll got all ta coal from? " " Oich man, Neil, is that all you'll know — they made them all in Tennant's Wrought."* A MODERN JEZEBEL. The collisions that too often take place between parties that should have become one in temper as well as " one * Tlio oxtensivo soda works of Mcasrs. C. Tonnant & Co., Townhe.id of Ol.isgow, wliicli oocui)y at loast twelve acres, densely planted witli ;i forest of bricit LAIRD OF LOGAN. 41 flesh," give the cQt-mies of marriage opporluuilic-s of exer- cising their wit ; and the lamentations of unfortunate hens pecked, or peclied hens, are their song of exultation as they hug themselves in their escape from domestic strife — never giving a hearing to their opponents, who triumpiiantly prove that though in the married life there are many cares and sorrows, the other have no joys, and that bachelors become sooner bairns — yaumering, seKish ones too — than their brethren who have got their necks noosed in wedlock. An old man, over whom the grey mare had tyrannized for many years, was visited on his deathbed by the clergyman of tiie parish, who urged on him most faitiifully the great importance of preparing for an eternal journey, on which he appeared just about to start. The veteran in carelessnesi appeared perfectly callous to the touching admonitions of the messenger of peace, when the clergyman struck a more alarming note, about the King of Terrors, and his fearful iron sway over his subjects. " Weel, weel," said the hard- ened sinner, " I'm no tley'd for tho King o' Terroi-s, for I hae lived this sax-and-thretty years wi' tiie Queen o' them, and the King canna be muckle waur." NO FniENDSIIlP IN TK.VUK. This excellent general business maxim was exemplified in tho person of Neil M'Livor, merchant — no matter about tlie locality, Highland fylks take things so readily to them- selves — who reiiuired to come to Glasgow for goods to supply his customers for the winter, and the master of the steamer calculated on him and a few of his friends as passengers. Tiioylay under obligations to him for sundry .services rend- ered to them In the shape of frauds on the Post-Office reve- nue, so as to enable Master Hill to make out his ca-se for the Postage Reduction Bill ; his obligants, however, took no berth with him, either in steerage or cabin. Meeting the parties in Glasgow, he expressed his astonish- 42 LAIRD OF LOGAN. ment that they had not come with hun. " You see," said Neil, hesitating, scarcely knowing how to excuse himself, " it was you see — yes — that captain — yes, I'll thocht now it was more money you'll took for our passage, nor we'll got down for with another friend of Duncan's there who has a poat of her nown — too — yes, more nor two shil- lino-s for each of us both — that is Duncan and me." " Man," said the master of paddles, " I'd have given you your pas- sage for nothing rather ; an old friend to go by my oppon- ent! — you should have come with me." " Weel, weel," said Neil, " it's never weel to do too late — and since you are so decent with us, we will every one of us all go with you home on that very reasonable term — yes, yes captain, you see a whistle more buys the penny." ADVANTAGES OF HAVING A PARISH. Will Speir, known to oui* readers already, once happened to be in the kitchen of the Manse of •, and had received an awmous from the hands of the parsimonious incumbent, who was always pleased to hear the humorous and sharp- witted replies of poor Will. While his Reverence was en- deavouring to bring the ingenuity of the poor half-witted creature into play, a woman belonging to the gangrel tribe made her appearance at the door, soliciting charity. This second application was more than the minister's patience could well bear ; he instantly dismissed her, and, in rather a stern tone of voice, ordered her to goto her parish. Will heard the angry language of his Reverence, and bawled after the woman to come back. " It's a waefu' thing " said the kind-hearted natural, " to be driven frae a minis- ter's door withoutan awmous — hae, puir body,"he continued, addressing the woman, " there's a nicvefu' out o' my ain pock ;" and, turning to the minister with an expression of bitter scorn in his eye, observed, " you should mind, sir, that puir folk hae na a' parislies like you." LAIRD i>F i,or;AN. 43 RIGHT OF HYPOTnEC. A WORTHY friend of ours, who acquired his slender stock of mongrel English on the "Braes o' Haiquidder," and owned a property in Calton, had lately the mortification to find ihit a tenant of his, a cowfeeder, had sold off all the stock, and made a moonlight flitting. The landlord, hearing of her decampment, hastened to the spot, to see if any- thing had been left whereby he might indemnify himself ; but behold ! all the rowters were off, and the byre cleaned out. Just as ho was preparing to leave the premises, one of the cows made her appearance at the byre door, and claimed admittance. " Ilawkie, my own latie, come awa." cried he, " I'm fery clad to saw you once more; you're a far more honester woman tan your mistress." DR\WINO THE LONG BOW. One d.ay, liOgun liappened to dine at the Earl of E 's along with some English gentlemen, when the conversation chanced to turn on the comparativo fruitfulness of the north- ern and southern divisions of Britain. The Laird, who was always a steady stickler for the honour and general superi- ority of Scotland, displayed on this occasion the full bent of liis national predilections. One of the gentlemen, however, wishing to come to particulars, reciuested to know how much wheat an acre of the best land in Scotland would produce. Logan, wishing to astonish his opponent, named a (juantity which he thought would have that effect. " Pooh, pooh!" said tiio Englishman, "that's not more than half what is reaped from the very commonest of our lauds in the south." " But now tell me," continued he, still addres;>ing the Laird, " what quantity of beans will the same extent of ground pruduee?" " Na, na, frien'," said Logan, seemingly I)i(iued at being put down, " lee about is fair play — it's your turn to speak f\rst now." 44 LAIRD OF LOGAN. AN ACCOMMODATING BEGGAR. A ■WRETCHED looking mendicant, the curvature of whose spine indicated the pressure of "three score and ten," put gently ajar the counting-house door of a commercial gentle- man, with, instead of " pity the sorrows," — " I'm verra vext to trouble you. Sir, but I am an auld man, that has little to eat, and less to put on." " I have no copper ;" when old Pocks offered discount, " Dinna put yoursel about, Sir, 1 can gie ye change." COURTESIES OF THE TABLE, Among the many choice spirits who figured in the con- vivial circles of Ayrshire about the close of the last century, no one, perhaps, was a greater favourite than ]Mi". H of S . In person and manners he was quite the beau- ideal of an accomplished tableman. Along with a fund of good humour, he had a superabundance of pleasantry, which rendered his company particularly attractive; while his countenance bore ample testimony to his social propensities, for, as it was ti-uly remarked, " a wider mouth for a laugh, or a redder nose for a bottle, was not to be found among all the votaries of Bacchus." Dining one day with the Laird of Logan, Mr. H happened to help himself to a little brandy after his fish — a custom wliich is still kept up at some of the hospitable boards in that very hospitable county. When holding up the glass between him and the ligh+ — " Laird," said he, addressing Logan, " this is rather pale for me; I would prefer some of your dark brandy." " I as- , sure you, Mr. II , what I have sent you is the dark brandy." " I'll no contradict you. Laird, in your am house ; but it looks pale to me." " I'll no contradict you, Mr. II , out of your ain liousc; but you should consider, that your red nose and nuieklo month, would gar ony man's brand;' look pale." LAIRD OF LOOAN. i.5 A nOTAL REGIMKNT. Whf.n the 42(1 regiment was recruiting at Paislo) early in the present century, the address of the sergeant to the gaping multitude was as follows: — " Come noo, lads, enter that auld bauld corps — often tried, never found failing — ca'd the Twa-and-Forty Regiment o' llieland Feet, com- manded by Prince Frederick, king o' Europe, and a' the Eui'opes i" Scotland." HIGHLAND ARITHMETIC. It is said, that when this " auld bauld corps" was recruit- ing in the Highlands, it was not uncommon in the public- . houses to hear a sergeant, with a large bunch of notes in his hand, thus addressing his newly-enlisted luan: — Sax and twa's ten — tak' your boonty and awa' wi' ye, you scoon'relll" AN IRISH KXPOSITOR. A Scottish clergyman lecturing on the passage in Scrip- ture, " It is easier for a camel," &c., &c., said, " My brethren, the needle eye was a gate-way in Jerusalem, through which a loaded camel could not pass, until she was unloaded." ENOUGH IS AS GOOD AS A FEAST. While the late Rev. Mr. Robertson of Kilmarnock, of whom notice is taken in our Introduction, was preaching in a country church, a young man in the front of the gallery had stood up several times, and seemed, as it were, to be fond of exhibiting his person to the congregation. Although this is a hjibit by no means uncommon in such places, it seemed to annoy the Rev. gentleman. After looking at him soveraJ times, he stopped the thread of his discourse, and thus ad- dressed him : — ". lock, my man, ait doon noo, for I'm sure 46 LAIRD OF LOGAN. there's no a lass in a' the kirk that hasna seen twa-threo times your new plush waistcoat." CHURCH ACCOMMODATION. INIr. R., when in the pulpit, never allowed even a passing incident to escape unnoticed. The popular voice, in regard to excellence of preaching, was, at the period to which we refer, divided between himself and the Rev. Mr. - — , whose eloquence as a preacher made him little less than the idol of the people. When the latter, accordingly, happened to be from home, a number of those individuals Mho ran from one place of worship to another, waited upon the miais- try of the former, and, as might be expected, were generally entering the church after the service had commenced. Upon one occasion, INIr. R. had just finished the first prayer, when a rustling was heard in the gallery, caused by the approach of some such individuals. " Sit about, sit about, my frien's," cried Mr. R., " and gie the fleeing army room, the bit idol's no at hame the day." KILMARNOCK PREDICTION. Upon another occasion, having entered upon the charac- ter, and given a somewhat copious history of Napoleon Buonaparte, who at that time carried all before him on the continent, he concluded his discourse by announcing the following prediction, which to those who rightly understand the terms of it, was afterwards fully verified. " My friens, I've tell'd ye what was the beginning o' that man, and I'll loll ye what will be the end o' him. He'll come down yet like a pockfu' o' goats' horns at the Broomielaw."* * At this time tlicrc was a very extensive trade in goats' liorns carried on between Glasgow and the island of Arran. They were nscd in sonio processes of dyeing. Large hales of this horny commodity, loosely packed, were delivered at the Ilrooniiclaw, (ilasgow quay, with the simple appa- ratus then in use. With siuh packages little earo was observed in land- ing, and they were generally thrown down with violence, and conse- quently made a great nuiuo. LAIBD OV LOliAN. 47 AN APT QDOTATION. The late Rev. Mr. Pringle, of Polloksliaws, was a clergy- man of mild, but firm manners, in dealing with members of his congregation. One of those was much addicted to dram- drinking, and, though seldom going great lengths in public, went so far as to become an object of serious advice, re- monstrance, reproof, and threat ; all of which had been tried in turn, and for a time had their cfToct. Exclusion, at last, from the privileges of the church was threatened, if another instance of indulgence was proven against him, and the defaulter promised implicit obedience in future, and did keep his promise for some time, which gladdened the bene- volent heart of Mr. P., hoping that he had been the means of reclaiming the unfortunate man from vicious indulgence, and restoring his usefulness to his family. One day .Mr. Pringlc was coming through the main street of the village, when whom should he see, exhibiting unequivocal symptoms of intoxication, but his irreclaimable member, describing his course at regular angles, and making towards him, as rapidly as the frequent adjustment of the centre of gravity permitted. The offender noticed his minister, who could not be avoid- ed, and made a lurch somewhat, lengthening the limb of the angle, into a recess, and put his back against the wall till Mr. P. came up to him, quoting, with knowing emphasis, standard authority as an apology for his failings, " No mere man since the Fall, is able perfectly to keep the commandments, but doth daily break them in thought, word, and deed." A .SCOTCH CORONEU. " Tills is a most tragical event which has happi latl," said an individual to Hailie , one of the high function- aries of a certain royal burgh. •' Bless me ! what is it ?** " Why, your neighbour W G has committed suicide." " >Vha on?" anxiou.sly inquired thi' bailie. 48 LAIRD OF LOGAN. A SCOTCH ANSWER. " That's a braw young quey you're leading, gudcman. Whar may you ha'e brought her frao ?" " Do you ken the auld kirk o' Dunscore ?" " Atweel do I." " Wi' than." a highland preference. A JURY trial took place lately in one of the burghs in the coimty of Lanark, where three labourers were charged with a serious assault on two Highlandmcn. The com- plainers had given a very connected and consistent statc- nent to the public prosecutor, who, in consequence instituted criminal proceedings against the assaulters. The fiscal, as usual, in a soft, confidential manner, put several questions to the complainants, to show to the Court the competency of the charge, and to all these questions the Highlanders, who iiad concocted the whole matter, having malice prepense, answered most readily, always anticipating the legal querist, *' Ou yes. Sir, your honour, it was as you'll spoke, all that and more too, as Donald my friend will told you." *' Yes, it is," replied Donald, " it's all true, and moreover, more nor that beside, but she didna want to say no more against the poor lads down there, to make an anger against them — deed is't." The counsel for the pannels then commenced a raking cross-fire, when the yarn in the web of evidence lost its lees, and the Donalds got fairly entangled, and floun- dered iu the meshes, shrugged their shoulders, scratched their heads, and looked unspeakable confusion, to the no small amusement of the Court. The elder of the two at last addressed himself to the Judge, " Och, Sir, would you lot the tithor man spoke," pointing to the fiscal, " 1 liko him far better.' LAini) OF LOCAS. 4'J 1" /f T^ ^U^ HAWRIES RETORTS TO THE POLICE. This orateui du pave, the outlines of wliose eventful life we have already given, has only to stand a few minutes on the street in the act of preparing for the delivery of an oration, when a mob is instantly collected to the annoyance of the conservators of order, and a mandate is forthwith issued by the police to put his limb and locomotive adjunct, iho stilt — in motion. — " Take the road, Sir, and not obstruct the street," said the imperative batonman. •' I hae nae richt tilt," replied the wit, " for I pay no road money." On another occasion. — " Be off, Sir, and not disturb the street, by collecting mobs." " Weel, blame na me, but the congregation." Another " Don't stand there. Sir, and collect a crowd." " Ay, there's a pour o' hearers, but very few believers." VERY CHARACTERISTIC. IlAWiiiE called on a shopkeeper one night soliciting 50 LAIRD OV LOGAN. somewhat to pay his lodgings, who remarked that he haii sm-ely come little speed when he had not made so much as would defray that small matter. " That's a' ye ken," re- plied Hawkie, " my lodging costs me mair than your's does." " How do you make out that ?'' " In the first place, it costs me fifteen pence to mak me di-unk, — boards an' banes mak' up the bed and contents, an' unless I wei'e drunk I couldna sleep a wink — the bed that I hae to lie down on, would mak a dog youU to look at, and then the landlady maun be paid, though a week's lodgings would buy a' the boards and bowls that's in the house. I hae made but little this day — I was up at the Cowcaddens, whar they hae little to themselves, and less disposition to spare ; an' wearied out, I lay down at the road side to rest me — a' the laddies were saying as lliey passed, ' Hawkie's drunk,' an' vex't was I that it was na true." DANCER OF WEANING TOO ICAIU.Y. Hawkie is one of those to whom ardent spirits are moat and drink, and meal-time any, or every hour in the twenty- foin- — the measure not so much the quantity that can be taken, as what can be got. — Ask hira, " Well, Hawkie, how many glasses have you got to-day ?" " I ne'er counted Ihem; 1 just took what 1 got; I am ower auld a bairn to speau now; my mither weaned me when I was four montlis juild — so ye nocdna wonder at my droutli." FAMILY DEBTS. " 1 AM surprised, ' said a person remonstrating with llawkio on his dissolute life, " that a person of your know- ledge and intellect can degrade himself by drinking whisky until you are deprived of reason, and with whom tiie brute could justly dispute pre-eminence. I would allow you two glasses per day, if you can't want it, but not more. "Now that's fair," replied the wit, "but will ye lodg't in I.AIIID or I.OtiAN. 51 a public liouse ? .Mun, ^u diiiua Ucii whut 1 hac had to do — my forefathers and forcmitliers too — for I suppose, if , you and me hadna liaen baith, we couldna been iaei-e — wore a' sober fok, an' I iiave had just to drink for them a*. Yo sec. they ran in debt to tiio British Government and left mo to |)ay"t, and when I touldna do't 1 got an easy settlement witli the foks o' the exchequer, on cooditiou that 1 was to pay up by instalments, and wharcver I saw a houie with reading aboon the door head, " British spirits sold hero," to pay in ray dividend, an' there was nae fear o' its coming to them." EroVOJIV IN COLO II lis A Bibliopole in the ancient burgh of Stirling, had a spin- ster sister who kept his iiouso, and took besides more than lialf tiio shop duties, was anxious to oblige a friend who had intro- duced a portrait painter to her acquaintance, who liad come to locate in the Royal city, and immortalise those favourite specimens of flesh and blood on canvass, who should employ him. 'I'ii6 sister of Folio plead earnestly with her brother to have her likeness taken. " It'll no cost muckle, Samuel, I'm sure, and the folks will see't in the shop, and, poor body, he'll maybe get a great deal mair to do — now, will ye no consent ?" " Na, na, Kirsty, it wad lie a Highland kintlness for you to gie him your picture to do ; dinna mak ony body suffer by ye, as thae scranky-shanked mizzle-shinned High- landers do ; do ye no see, woman, ye wad waste a' the poor painter's yellow?" A rirciii.ANii KiNANcrKn. " How is my old friend Norman M'Leau ; I hear he ii back in the world?" inquired a commercial gentleman, who was taking an order from a customer in one of the northern clachans. " Deed poor man its all true, indeed, and <,'rieved a\u I in mjr own mind ab6ut him every day, (or ho was a 52 I.AIRn OF I.OGAN. decent neighboiu-, as he was to me aud every oae about him." " But how does he conti'ive to exist hei'e, having nothing to do ?" " I am sure, unless I were to say what I didna ken, I don't know ; but there I see him all the week from day to flay, whar his meat and clotlies come from nobody knows ; no doubt, he'll got a few potatoes and plenty of sleep, and that's all any body knew." " But, dear me, can't he get a bit of land ? I am sure here it can be had for little or nothing, and cultivate it for his subsistence." "Is that all you'll knew now about this place ? Nothing hure now, but your petters, (gentry) and they'll put all the ground into large farm, oich, no ! no ! that no for poor Norman !" " "Well then, there's the open sea, a good fishing coast ; get a boat and a few lines, and live on the produce of his industry." " Yes, all goot tat, but a fishing poat and line is not got for nothing, and who's to pay the piper." " Then I can suggest no other mode of living here." " I'll shust tell you then, as you are a goot friend of his mony a day, what I'll advise him to do, more nor one or two time myself, it was sliust to turn himself into a merchant." IRISH RECOGNITION. As the Pai.sley steamer came alongside the quay at the city of the Secstus, a denizen of St Mirron's hailed one of the passengers, "Jock! Jockl distu hear, man ? is that you or your brithcr ?" COACH OFFICE QUERIES. The Paisley bodies are a class sui generis, especially tht operatives ; from their habits of thinking and speaking one would have thought that a colony of bog trotters from (ho swamps of ould Ireland had been their forefathers. When inquiring after scats in the Glasgow coach oflice, nothing is more common for them than to ask " A re a' your insides out? " an inside seat had been secured, but the office where booked. I-Aini) OF I.OGAN. 53 forgotten. "They're no a' out — arc tliey no? woul, will ye look gin lis woman has an inside ;" or hailing the dii vera of the Paisley coach, Sons of Commerce, (strongly accented on the ultimate) as they passed along the street, "Ah, hey man, dinna ca' your wheels sae fast, Iiao ye a bit bare spat on the tap?" "Ilao yo ony Paisley coaches that rins to five o'clock ?" " Is the coach awa? they're in a desperate hurry, I'm sure its nac mair than ten minutes past the hour; 1 maun either hac back my siller or anither scat ; I'm no gaun to throw awa my bawbees that gate; you'll soon mak rich enough, gin ye rin awa wi' foks' siller an' their seats baith." nOOKINC. AT Tin; 1>AI8I,EY COACO OFFICE. " Wei.l, what nanif .shall I enter in tiie way bill ?" '■ 1 wonder what ye hae to do wi' my name, gin I gio you the -siller ; my name was na paid for to be gien awa in a coarh oflice." "Just as you please, but your seat cannot other- wise be secured." " Gin tat be the case, ye may hae't, John Tamson, o' Butter Braes — an' ye may pit esquire til't gin ye like I at least I reside on my ain farm !" HOPE DEFERRED. " Go to bed. Sir, in the closet there," said an enraged father to a son, who had given him just cause of ofTenco ; " were it not that these gentlemen are present, I would give you a sound whi|)ping, but you shall have it before breakfast to-morrow, certain." 'J'lic little rebel went to his crib with a heavy heart, and the enjoyments of the party continued until a late hour — ^just when tlie party was about to break up, the closet door was quietly pulled buck, and the young offender put out his head, ro(|uesting that the sentence might be put in execution, " Father, would ye jnst gie mo my lick« this night, for I canna sKi p without them?" 54 LAIRD OF LOG\H. HIGHLAND WIT. Who is there that has ti-avelled the West Highlands, and docs not know Rort More — the rattling, i-oaring, ready-witted, warm-hearted, big-fisted Highlandman, that keeps what her naiasell calls the " Travelling Emporium ?" Surely none. And who that has ever experienced the com- forts to be found under his roof-tree, but feels an " ardent longing after" a repetition of the enjoyment ? Surely few ; and those who have had the pleasure of cracking a bottle with him, and seen him in his glee, for " muckle glee and fun has he," will easily believe the following little anecdote. A Cockney, one of the most troublesome and supercilious of the genus, who, during a residence of three days had been the pest and torment of waiters, chambermaid, boots, and in fact the whole tail of the inn, having at last made up his mind to depart, he marched up to Rory with his hat set obliquely on his highly frizzled poll, a cigar in his mouth, and his hands doubled up on his haunch bones. " I say, landlord, I vants a os." " That's what I can't give," says Rory, " all the horses are out, and I could not get one for you were it to save your life." " Oh 1 d — me, landlord, that answer vont do for me ; I'm going off, and what the devil am I to ride on, pray ?" " Just," replies Rory, cock- ing his eye, " ride on your ovm impudence, it will carry you further than any horse in Argyleshire " THE HIGHLAND CALENDAR. There are many anecdotes of Rab M'KcUar the High- lander, who erst was the jolly landlord of the Argyll Hotel in Inverary, The last time we saw the hearty roistering fellow — peace to his manes ! — he is now no more — ho was bickering with an Englishman in the loljby of the inn regarding the bill. 'J'he stranger said it was a gross imposition — he could live cheaper in the best hotel in Lon- don, to whicli Rab, mth unwonted nonchalance, replied, LAIRD OF LOQAV. B5 "Oh, nae doot, Sir — nae doot ava— but do ye no ken the i-pason?" " No, not a bit of it,'' said the stranger hastily. " Wecl then," ropiied the host, " as ye seem to be a gey sensible callant, I'll tell ye: there's 365 days in the Lunnon hotel-keeper's calendar, but we have only three months in ours ! — do ye understand me noo, frien' f — we maun mak hay in the Ilielans when tlie sun shines, for its unco seldom slie dis't 1" KAB UAMIl.TON. IIau Hamilton, a person of weak intellect, well known in Ayr, was a staiuich Secedcr. One day, however, he went to hear sermon in a church belonging to the establishment, where the sermon was generally road, and took his seat on an inside stair, that had what is called a wooden ravel. In his anxiety to listen, he put his head through the railing, and when he attempted to pull it back, he found he was caught by the oars. He pulled and [mlled, but in vain. At length, a sud- den thought struck him, that this punishment was a just in- lliction for leaving his own church. " It's a judgment 1 it's a judgment on me, for leaving my ain kirk I it's a judg- ment," cried he tothcamusfraent of tlie whole congregation, "its a judgment on me for leaving my ain kirk, and gaun to heai- a paper ininigter !" EAB ON MONIES. Uab was one day offered his choice of a si.xpence or a penny, by a passenger, who was just waiting on the Glas- gow mail. Being asked which of them he would have, he said, " I'll no bo greedy, I'll take the wee white ane. " A CASE SUPPOSED Rab Hamilton once dined in Kilmarnock, in a favourite bin, where he was well known, to h>s stomach's content ; 56 LAIRD OF LOGAN. as Rab needed not any stimulant to assist digestion, no :ii-dent spirits were offered. " I am sure," says the waiter, "ye hae gotten a guid dinner this day, Rab." " Ou ay, atweel have I, nae doubt o't, but, gin the folic at Ayr speir at me when I gae hame, an' there's little doubt but they'll do't, if I got a dram, what will I say ?" KJIB S UI'.KAM. Rab was in the habit of occasionally receiving a small gratuity from one of the clei'gymen of the town. From some cause or other, this had been for some time neglected by the minister, but had by no means been forgotten by his pen- sioner. One day the clergyman and Rab having met — " Weel, how's a wi' you the day, Rab?" inquired his rever- ence. " Deed, I'm no verra weel, sir." " Ay, what's the matter?" " Oh, sir, I had an awfu' dream last night: 1 dreamt that I was dead, and that I gaed awa to the guid place ; and when I cam' there, I knocked at a big yett, and after I had stood a while, there was a man, I believe it was the Apostle Peter, looked owre the tap o' the yett, and he cries, Who's there ? It's Rab Hamilton, says I. Whar, says he, do ye come from ? Says I; frae the auld toun o' Ayr. I lech man, says he, I'm glad to see you here, for there's neither man nor woman come here frae that place for the last twa- three years." PRECEDENCE IN PANDEMONiaM. On another occasion, he asked him if he had been favoured with any more dreams ? " Ou ay, sir," says Rab. " I had an awfu' ane nae far'er gane than last night." " Ay, and what might it be about?" "Oh, I dreamt I was (lead again, and I gaod awa to the ill place, and I chapped at a big iron yett, and first cam' ae doll, then anithcr ane, and then a third ane." " And what said ye to them ?" " I just tcll't them to gang ben for the Mucklo Deil himscl, and LAmO OV LOGAN. AT tell him to come, as tho minister o' Ayr was on his way here." THE I.AIIUJ LIKE HIMSELF, AS PRKSIDENT OK A DINNER OP THE DAV. 17 — The (lay was one of intense cold ; the frut chniiig the previous niglit had been uncommonly severe; every house, wliether thatched or otherwise, was thickly covered with a hard coating of frozen snow, from which depended long spikes of icp glittering in the fechlo rays of the sun like re- versed bayonets at a soldier's funeral. The Westport well, and indeed every well in town, had an irregular train of silvery-looking icicles hanging from the spout, long and llaky, and such as the children in some parts of Scotland call till' tail of John Frost's gray mare. Few pedestrians were abroad ; here and there perhaps might be seen a sedan- chair borne along by a brace of red-nosed Highlanders, who, from the appearance of their breath on the thin cold air, might, without much aid from the imagination, be supposed as snorting forth fire and smoke in wrathful indignation at being obliged to leave off toasting their brawny shanks at what the worthy Bishop of Dunkeld calls their " bein fyres bote," and to go trudging about, receiving from nature's hand her " sparkling hoar-frost on their uncombed locks." It was on this day that a select party had made a paction to dine together in the Saracen's Head. This inn was then considered the chief house of entertainment in Glasgow, and the most fiishionable resort of the nobility and gentry of the West of Scotland. Hero the magistrates held all their convivial meetings, which, on extraordinary occasions, was made known to the public by the fact of two town officers with their halberds taking post as a guard of honour at the door. Tho Lords of Session also, in going tlie circuit, always made the Saracen's Head their place of sojourn. Tho house no doubt was well kept, and tho gaucy, good-humoured, rattle-tongued landlady. 58 LAIRD OF LOGAN. with her rosy haffets and large laughing brown eyes, was to many no small part of the attraction, though she laughed too much, and often out of place ; but where a woman has good teeth to show, this will always happen. Yet, though Mrs. M'Millan was at times rather forward, and took great liberties in the way of joking with her customers, she was in the main a frank, furthy, kind-hearted, good sort of woman. The party kept their time pretty well, and consisted of nearly a dozen. Among these were, young Sillerknows, the Laird of Auldgavel, Doctor Seggie, who came in a chair, with his little French cocked hat under his arm, as black and glossy as a new feathered crow, while his coat was covered with hair-powder, that had fallen from his head almost to his pouch-lids. • The Doctor, who was a fat, little, round-about looking man, was rather particular in the mat- ter of dress, and on this occasion, besides an abundance of frills at his breast and hands, displayed between his waist- coat and the adjoining portion of his habiliments, a bulge or roll of linen, of the finest texture, and the most spotless purity. This seemed to be regarded by some of the com- pany as proceeding from vanity in the Doctor ; others im- puted it to the rotundity of his figure preventing him from keeping the parts of his dress so close together as he might otherwise have done. There was also present a very odd- looking young man, who had been amusing himself through the day by skating on the river, and was brought to the party by Logan of that ilk; he was dressed in a long red coat, buckskins and boots ; his face was completely overrun with marks of the small-pox, while his nose was all drawn to one tide of the face, and his mouth, as if from affection, appear- cd to have followed in the same direction. Whether it was from the peculiar form which his mouth had taken supply, but he had acquired an inveterate habit of indulging in a low whistling kind of noise, a practice over which he seemed to have no restraint, even in company. The poor fellow was quite unconscious liims».'lf of the defect : though it certainly LAIRD OF LOGAN. 59 inailo him uiiplousant to strangers wlio had not acquired a taste for his stylo of music. It was afterwards whispered about, that lie was just come to talte up his abode in Glas- gow, along with his mother, a widow lady, and that he was a young gentleman of great property, and still greater prospects, a piece of information which seemed not only to improve his personal appearance in the eyes of some of the company, but also to render the small quiet sound of his whistle by no means disagreeable. While waiting for dinner, the company drew all as close round the fire as possible, and the conversation soon became very animated on the state of the weather. One declared he had seen a Highland officer slide on one foot from the top of the Drygate to the bottom, and that, when he stopped, he found the foot he had held up so firmly frozen to the bottom of his kilt, that ho had to hop all tlic way to his lodg- ings. Another had seen two married ladies fall into an open part of the river, and, in consequence of their clinging to lach other after they were got out, they became so com • pletely frost-locked, that their husbands had to get them carried to a house to have them thawed, so that each might have his own wife again. " Pooh I ' cried Logan, " tliats n lolhing to what our landlady told me ; she said that King NV^illiam was seen blowing his fingers this morning; that when she got up, she found the hens all frozen to one bauk, and the cock to another, so that the hens could not follow the cock, nor the cock follow the hens, till she bathed their feet in boiling water. She also mentioned that the Provost's big red-nosed butler, Ned, wishing to take his morning by liimself, in a sly way, had mistaken a bottle of weak French wine for a bottle of Farintosh, and, before he could say ' here's to ye, honesty,' his lips were hard and fast to the mouth of .Monsieur. It was like to be a serious case for old red-nose, for the frost was getting harder and harder, and ho was like to be choked for want of air, till he thought of breaking the bottle. But the poor man has been going about wi'.h the neck of it sticking to iiis mouth, ami his 00 I.AIRD OF I.OCAIT. fellow-servants laughing at him, and saying he richly de- served it for thinking of drinking in such a morning without asking his comrades to taste." " These are all very freezing kind of stories, gentlemen," said Dr Seggie; " but without any joke it is certainly very cold, and I don't see how we are to manage to take our dinner unless we get warm plates to eat it off." " Warm plates 1" exclaimed several voices. " Yes, gentlemen,'' cried the Doctor, " it is not uncommon in the South to have them in such weather, and I don't see why we should not have them here." " Warm plates for Scotsmen ! a man's stomach maun hae come to a poor pass when it canna warm a dinner for itself," said Logan, " but let every man have his humour — here's the landlady, you can tell her about it, Doctor." "Mrs. M'Millan," said the advocate for comfort — "the day is so very cold, that we fear we will not be able to eat our dinner." " Not be able to eat your dinner !" screamed the jolly dame with a loud guffaw which interrupt- ed the Doctor's preamble. " Now, that beats a' 1 our gude- man and me, and, indeed, every one about the house, eat more in this weather than they do in the heat of summer. 1 declare every jaw in our kitchen is gawn as if it was for a wager." " Mrs. M'Millan," said the Doctor, in a tone of greater solemnity than the occasion called ibr, " it is not the conduct of your kitchen people that is the matter in hand — have you any objections to give us warm plates to eat our dinner off?" — " Warm plates 1 — did ye say warm plates 1 Dr. Seggie. Weel, I've keepit a house this mony a year, and I never he.Trd o' warm plates to a hot dinner before." " Then you refuse to give us them ?" " ]Jy no manner o' means. Dr. Seggie, so you necdna lift folks before tliey fa' — you're welcome to any plates you please, and a' that I have to say is, that the longer a body lives they see the mao fairlies." " But is the dinner ready, Mrs. Mac ?" " Deed is't, Auldgavel, and served up in the magistrates' room. Kvery thing's ready but the plates, and they'll soon bo warmed, if I thouirht vo wasna making a fnlo o' mc. " LArWD op LOGAN. 61 '* Woman," cried Dr. Stggio iii ;i pet, " we neither ciiinc here to make fools, nor to bo made fools of. so get the warm plates momently, or I, for one, will Icavo the house." "Sweet keep us a'," cried the good-humoured hostess, " there's a storm in somebody's nose, light whar it like — biil diinia be in a hurry, Doctor, we'll mak' ye a" right belyve— you've gotten a warm temper, and you'll get a warm plate, an' I'll warm a bottle of water to put to your feet, and you'll get a warm briek in a nice clean warm towel, to sit on. and if a' that does na mak' yo comfortable, my certio ! ye maun be ill to please." So saying, IMrs M'Millan wheeled off with a loud laugh to attend to her duties in the kitchen, leaving the Doctor fretting and spluttering with anger, like a sausage in a frying pun. " Weel, gentleman," said Logan to the company, who had now mustered in the magistrates' room, "here's a goodly set out, and I propose that Dr. Scggio take the chair iustanter." " 111 take no chair in this house to-night.'' "What! You don't mean to take your dinner standing?" " I mean what I mean, and I'll either sit or stand as I see proper." " Weel, weel. Doctor, if you're in that bow-wow- humour, wo must just get somebody else ; come awa, Auld- gavcl." " Na, na, I ken nae better chairfu' than yoursel', laird, so sit down and tak' your frien' wi' the red coat here up beside you, and nae mair about it, for the dinner's cool- inf, and if you've nae objections, I'll face you mysel." " That's the thing, at last — come up to my right hand, Bob. By the bye, gentlemen, I should have told you before, that this is my frien', .Mr. Robert llornshottlc, of Ilowkt s howf, and likely soon to be of some other howf, if he plays his cards right. But here's the warm plates ; hand tiieni down to Dr. Seggie, he's nearest the haggis." " There has been too much said about warm plates already ; besides, I don't like haggis." " Will you take some hare soup, then?" "No." "Then s.iy what you'll take yourself, Doctor." " I'll take some of the beef in front of you. Sir, if you can assure me of its being well pouthered.'' " I can G2 LAIRD OF LOGAN. only say this, Doctor — that Mrs M'Milkiu's cook and your barber seem to be the best hands at pouthei'in' beef I know, and I think what I'm going to send you is off a bit of as weel pouthered beef as yourself." " Sir, I don't understand you ; if I'm powdered, I'm the more like the company; but I won't be called nicknames by you nor any man, Sir — no Sir, no man shall call me powdered beef with impunity " " Hand that to Dr. Seggie. I'm thinking. Doctor, you'll find that very excellent pouthered beef, although, like yoursel', it seems a wee thocht short to the cut." " I'll have none of your beef, Sir — ^you wish to make me the laughing-stock of the company, but I won't be made a hiughing-stock by you, Sir, nor any man, Sir." "Weel, weel, Doctor, see if you can get any of your neighbours to take it." " See to that yourself. Sir," ci-ied Seggie, turning his back pettishly on the chairman. •' No offence, Doctor — but I thought, as you were rather more in the powder way than myself, you would have a better chance for a customer." "Do you say pouthered beef, Sillerknows ?" " I do, if Auldgavel will help me to some of the breast of that turkey, at his elbow." " I'll do that, and you'll tind the turkey a great improvement, for I fear Logan cut for the Doctor off a part that was rather salt." " Why, gen- tlemen, I don't know what to do with our frien', the Doctor; I've tried him with haggis, and hare soup, and pouthered beef." " Sir, I want none of your attentions." " But 1 will attend to you though, — and every one in company — wliilc I fill this cliair,— so look around you. Doctor, and see if there's anything to tickle your fancy. There's a fine young goose, plump, crisp, and tender, wi' a pudding in its gobble, and apple sauce at his side, like a weel tocher'd lass, and no courting required. Doctor, but just put forth your hand, and iielp yourself. There is also a peerless looking pie, covered with a paste that might tempt a Bishop, and I'll warrant its inside is as rich as the mines of Potosi— so. Doctor, if you're inclined to dig, you'll find your excavations well worth your trouble. Tlicn, again, there is a dish of I, A inn OF r.OGAN. Chi purliitlges, each i-eposing- uii liis soft luscious downy bed o( savoury toast, and holding up its claws as if imploring your attention. I declare, Doctor, you must have a heart of adamant, if you can resist such seducing supplicants. And look you here, my learned and fastidious friend, here's a brace of blackcock, sending forth a fragrance that miglit put to shame the most costly incense that ever rose from the altars of the Romans. I would give you a Latin quota- tion on the subject, but you all know, gentlemen, that Latin with me is something like Dr. Seggie's hair powder, it could get ony where, but through the skull. That's right. Doctor, tak' to your warm plate, and help yoursel'." "That's just what I mean to do," cried Seggie, breaking out into a laugh, in which the company joined — " you're a tormenting humbug, Logan, but its of no use to be angry with you. Two or three times to-night, had I been near you, I could have run my knife into you." " Ay, ay, but I hope you'll run it into something that'll do you more good. And now, Doctor, suppose you and I should ha'e a glass of brandy together." " With all my heart ; but really, Laird, I was angry." •' Alan, muckle ye had to be angry about; if yc heard the hecklings I get frae my friends you would wonder sometimes how I keep my senses. But you'll just better pass the bottle, Doctor, and we'll take a glass all round. You've been making an unco clatter amang the plates, gentlemen, and a little brandy will help to gird up your loins, and enable you to get through the duties of the day, for remember there's a nice piece of venison to come yet, so let's take dummy's way o't, and show mair teeth and less tongue. I hope, Auldgavel, you're keeping a' their beards wagging in your quarter. Come, Sillerknows, help yourself and Middlemains to some of the pie before you; you'll find it good; Mrs IM'Millan is a noble hand at a pie ; but speak o' the deil and he'll appear, here she is with the venison." " Yes, Laird, and I've brought some more warm plates, for 1 thought if ony thing needed them it would bo the venison, tliuugh it's just iiiping fi-ac the lire, and the fat's a' quiver- 61 LAIRI) OF LOGAN-. iug about it like jeelie." " You're a sensible woman, Mrs. M'JNIillan ; set it down before me, and I'll soon show you a room-fu' o' lip-lickers. The very smell o't's a cordial ; come, gentlemen, while 'am preparing the delicacy for you, you can be washing your throats wi' a glass o' wine ; I declare the flavour o' the heather that's about it might give fragrance to a ball-room, even though all the beauty and fashion of the country were in it. May I trouble you, Mrs. Mac, to hand that to the Doctor ; he's got but little dinner vet." " Deed that's true, I've seen th*; Doctor male' a better dinner aff a caulder plate." " I've seen that too, leddie, and am sorry I said some angry words to you that there was no occasion for." " Ah, Doctor, dinna let that trouble you ; we, in a public line, mauuna heed words. Words are but wind, they break nae banes ; you were a little warm, nae doubt, but, as our cook says, a ' little pot is soon hot.' If you were as tall as Logan there, or even mysel', the heat would be langer o' getting to your head." So saying, with a loud laugh, in which the Doctor and the company joined, the landlady made her exit, after which, the duties of the table proceeded with silence and celerity, till the chairman, before drawing the cloth, proposed a glass by way of drinking the dredgie of the gallant fat buck thoy had helped to discuss. " And I propose." cried Auldgavel, " tliat we include the no less gallant brace of blackcocks." " I object to that," said Logan, " they must have a glass to themselves, for I'm sure, like the gallant buck, thoy both died game." " Ay, ay, Logan, there's no use in talking to you, for you must always have your pun. But, by the bye, Middlomains, can you tell nie what's come o' Neapknows, I expected to have seen him hereto-night?" " Did you no hear ? He has been sequestered at the Court o' Session, and the Lord Ordinary, for some reason or other, has refused to dispense with the penalty of wearing the harle- fjuin stockings : so he's rather shy of being seen out."* — * For tVie 6nko of Bomo of our renders In the South, it may bo nece*- sory to mention that, l)y the old Scottish Hanknipf A.ct, the defaultor LAtHl> OF LOGAN. O.j " Tliat'll make liiin look to his feet."— " At least, Aulil- gavel, it will make otlicr folk look to them," cried Loj^un, " and my certie, but I think the Lord Ordinary has gien him owrc (ho .shins, wi' a vpngeaiice." " Yes ! his Lordshiii has been rather sair ou his shins." " But, toll him frae me, Middlemains, to keep up bis heart, for his shins will do as weel for leg bail as ever. By the bye, gentlemen, that puts me in mind o' a story of a dice-rattling neighbour of mine, Peter Hosie o' Warlockscroft. He was a farmer, a drover, a horse-coupcr, a smuggler — in short, he was every thing, and you'll always see that the man of many trades thrives by none. Potor at last foil into the same scrape as frien" Neapknows, and, as his character didna stand high in the court, naething could be done about the stockings ; so, some time ago, he threw a plaid about him, and camo over to mc, under the cloud o' night, to ask my advice, for he was engaged as best man at his niece's wedding. Now you ken, gentlemen, that the harlequin stockings, as our friend Middlemains ca's them, are not the most becoming covering for the logs of a best man. Wool, I heard iiis complaint to an end. ' Go away home, Hosie,' quo' I — ' I'm to be at the wedding the morn, as weel as yourself — dress out in your best, and be sure to comply wi' the act. Put on the stock- ings, by all means, and just wait in the house till I come for you.' Weel, next day I mounted my boast, and when I got to Hosie's, I found him a' ready, but sair down in tlm mouth, poor man, about the showy state of his legs. So, I puts my hand in ray pouch, and tak's out a pair o' braw wide stockings o' my ain. ' Ilae,' said I, ' draw on thae over the Lord Ordinary's, and let me see wha dare find fault wi' your shanks." ' Laird,' said ho, after looking in my face awoe, ' that's cute.' ' Cute,' said \, ' you a horse- coupcr and didna think on the like o' that.' Now, Middle- was compelled to wear what is called '• dyvovus hose", viz. stockings c>f different colours— tlio l.iw, hnwever, was seldom enforced, except when glaring misconduct on tlic part of the bunUnipt wiis coniplaince I shall never see Loganhouse in such a state again. — You must know, gen- tlemen, that I was from home, and only returned on Hog- mauae, when I was told there was no whisky in the house. Now, you know, a man may as weel try to baud a young naig without a tetiier, as hand new'rs-day without drink ; 80 I told one of the men to go to Kilmarnock for a cask; and what does the drucken idiot do, but takes in the sour- milk barrel, and brings it hame fu' to the bung, — that s to say, as fus himsel ; — for he kent so little about what ho * In former times, when :i chairman stole away from liin scut, it w;ifl goneiiilly for the piu'iioae of discharging the bill. In onr days, it is for the imrposc of giving tlie most eloquent or loquacious of tlie party an opportunity of dilating on the virtues, talents, and great merit of tho gentleman who had favoured the company, by condcsceuding to provide over tlioni ! 70 liAIRD OF LOGAN, was doing, that he filled a water-stoup wi' the driuk, and left it in the kitchen; as for the rest o't, every one that liked went to the barrel wi' his dish, and helped himsel' The consequence was, that the men got a' fu', and they filled the women fu'. The poi-ridge, in the morning, by mistake, was made from the whisky that was put in the water-stoup ; but as none of the servants could sup them, they were given to the pigs and the poultry. The pigs soon got outrageous, and set a-yelling in a manner that might have drowned the din of a hale reg'raent of pipers, tearing one another's snouts and lugs to tatters. The auld sow, trying to stand on her hind feet, (for what folly will beast or body not do when they get a drop in their head) fell into the trough, and a' the rest came about, riv- ing at her as if she had been part of the breakfast. The ducks couldna baud a fit. The geese were little better, and when such broad web-footed worthies are so ill at the walking, you may guess that the hens and turkeys made but a poor shift. Even the peacock and his lady, so far lost sight of their gentility, as to become birds of a feather wi' their vulgar neighbours, and screamed and staggered about through dub and mire, spoiling all their finery, that they were lately so proud of displaying. The cock got better, but as for my lady, whether it was the vile mi.vture she had taken, or grief for destroying her rich dress, (for females, you know, have a great regard for fine clothes) I caimot tell, but she never had a day to do well after it, but dwined awa', and seemed to die of a broken heart. Poor thing I It's a serious matter when females, who have been genteelly brought up, forget themselves, — Poor Lady Pea ! she could never regain her standing in the barn-yard, for every wide-niouthud, drouthy rascal of a duck, even wiien sweltering in a gutter, expected her to be his boon-compa- nion In short, tiiat morning there was neither beast nor body about Loganhousc, that kent what they were doing, f xcept the horsiss, and they were all as sober ; s judges ; but a horse, as you a' ken, gentlemen, can carry a deal o' I.AIKI) OF r.OCAV. 71 drink." " Xy, iu a sour-milk bunvl." " VVeei Uoiic, Horn- shottle — that's the first word I've heard from you to-night." *' Perhaps Mr Ilornshottle will give us a song. " " Deed, Auhlgavel, my irieii' Bob is more iu the way of whistliii;? than singing." " Weil, what do you say to a verse round, and I hope you'll give us the song that was made on the famous Logan festivities that you've been telling us about." " Na, fack, na, I had to gie the spavy-fitted body that wrote it a guinea note and a bottle of whisky to get it suppressed ; — one does not like to have a hale country side deaved about one's atl'airs." " I fear, Logan, the poet has not kept faitli wilh you, for M of has got a copy of it, and sings it upon all occasions. Part of it he has got arranged to what he calls the ' Hen's march,' and I'm told it's droll be- yond any thing. The ducks and turkeys he imitates to the life." "01 I've heard plenty about that, so let us get on with the song, and finish the bowl, for supper will be served up in the next room in less than half-aa hour. — What, Bob ! you're looking queer, — Oho 1 is that the way o't ';:'" " Is Mr. Hornshottio away ? Don't stop the song — come awa', .Middlemains." In obedience to the mandate of the chairman, the song and glass followed each other in quick succession, and by the time supper was announced, the elfects were beginning to show themselves iu two or three unsuspected quarters. The night's repast was brief, and the bowl was once more replenished, during which, Mr Hornshottio resumed his seat, under the usual condition of a verse or a bumper, as a penalty for his abseuce. " Try a verse, Bob,'' said the chairman, " though I know your stock is but small." And small it certainly ap[)eared to be, — for after patting his forehead, till the patience of the company was neui^y exhausted, he stammered out the following ; — " Hero's tlio troo that nover grow, Here's the binl that never flow, Here's tlio bell tliat never rimK, Hero's the ilrnoken sn'nmiL" ri I.AIRD OF LOGAN. " Wfll, Bob, I didna think you had so mucklo in you ; odd man, if these lines were your ain, I v/ad ca' you a rising- Ramsay." The conviviality of the evening, or rather the morning, had by this time reached its height. The com- pany broke out into a grand Dutch medley, after which, a straggling fire of verses was faintly kept up by a few of the party, while the heads of some of the others began to droop. They had all drank hard, owing to a vague impression they had of an early adjournment, as hinted by the chairman, who, it must be acknowledged, began to look drowsy him- self. The house became gloomy, and silent, and the lights, from want of attention, had waxed dim. On such a cold night, we have no doubt but the flies were all snug enough ; at least Mrs. M'Millan had by this time taken shelter among the blanliets, and the landlord himself made his appearance to announce that — the chairs were all come, and the Waits in the kitchen. On hearing this, Logan rubbed his face with a little brandy, and started to his feet, like a giant refreshed, to help mine host to rouse his companions, and get them all settled in their chairs. "Remember, M'Millan, that I bring up the rear, and follow Auldgavel's ch.air, for I take my bed with him," said Logan, as he laid hold of the Wait, to arrange with him about the starting music, which was agreed should be the favourite old air of " We're a' nodding," as being best adapted for the chairman's trot. On falling into a line, one of the chairs was found to be empty, Mr. Hornshottlo having set off" on foot. " That's a hard skiuflint of a callant, its just to save the expense, — but don't tell him, Mac, that 1 settled for the chairs, or he'll be for nicking his wizzen about losing his hobble hame. ' " IJut what will your Honour noo be doing to us for our share lift," asked one of the Celts. " Fall into the procession ; M'Millan will pay you the samo as the others, and if you meet with a drunk man, put him in, and take him to Mrs. llornsiiottle's, — do you know the house ? " " Wo both do that, and well too." *' Tiicn take him there, and tell the servants it's Bob — but he's a little changed with liquor I.AIUI) OF I.Of.AN. liut that they'll know him when they see him with daylight. Do what I've told you, and I'll give you double fare for your trouble." " Oeli, we 11 do tat, for I'll catch you a' drunk, Pech, ill five minute. " *' I hope, " said Logan, as he entered the sedan, " they wont meet with liub himself, it would be better luck tiiau he deserves." All being ready, the Waits struck up, and the procession, lighted by the moon, took its way up the Gallowgate. J. D. Caiirick. COLIN DULAP. We're muckle obliged to you, Colin Dulap, We're muckle obliged to you, Colin Duhip ; Ye're truly a worthy auld patriot chap. To enlighten your country sac, Colin Dulap. Ye patronise lear, and ye propagate light. To guide erring man in the way that is right Ne'er under a bushel your candle you clap, But let it lowe openly, CoUn Dulap. * Since the above admirable juu d'esprit was written, tlio amiable and accouiplishcd individual to whom it refers, is no more, lie died on tho 27tU September, l».'i7, after liaving siit in Parliament for a few months as ono of the representatives for the City of Glasgow. In him the eom- mercial metropolis of the West lost ono of her most eminent citizona —a man no less distinguished by his private virtues, and agreeable manners, than by bis enlightened and public spirit, and the strong sagacity of a vigciroiis mind, richly stored with general information, and copiously imbued with literary t;istcs and habits A wide rant;e of sorrowing friends accompanied his remains to the giave, along with several hundred individuals of tho s:ime liberal political principles, and who felt that by his death their cause and party had sustiiined an irre- parable loss. lie w.is buried in the Necropolis of Glasgow, which occupies) the surface of a rocky eminence of the most striking character, rising boldly up immediately behind tho ancient and venerable Cathe- dral of Glasgow. .V noble monument has heeii erected to his memory, in the torm of a massive siircophngus, of the finest Aberdeen gianlt«. The late Mr. Dunlop was the principal proprietor of Clyde Iron Work*, whoso smelting furnares send out, in particular states of tho utiuo* phcre, an immense volume of light. 74 LAIRD OF LOGAN. A baruiug aud shining light close by the Clyde, Illuming the counti-y around, far and wide ; Ye bleeze like a beacon upon a hill tap — A general benefit, Colin Dulap. Frank Jeffrey, and Chambers, and Brougham, and so forth, DitTuse their cheap tracts to enlighten the earth, Mony thanks to the chiuls for this praiseworthy staj) : Mony mae thanks to you, honest Colin Dulap Your light unto me has been better than theirs, — For aye when in Glasgow at markets or fairs, Aud daundering hame rather light i' the tap, Ye're a lamp to my feet, wortliy Colin Dulap. The burns and the bog-hules, the dubs and the dykes, Thehowes and the humplocks, the sheughs and thesykcs, And ilka thing against whilk my head I might rap. Ye help me to shun them a', Colin Dulap. Even spunkie himsel' is nae bogle to me. When out through the moss I march hameward wi' glee ; Wi' my cud in my neeve — in my noodle a drap, Cheer 'd onward by thee, my guide, Colin Dulap. We pay for the sun, and we pay for the moon. We pay for ilk starnie that blinks frae aboon ; 15ut your kindly light never costs us a rap, 'Tis as free as the air to us, Colin Dulap. The sun I'd like weel, gin the sun wad bide still. But then ilka night ho slides down yont the hill. Like a plump ruddy carle gauu to tak his bit nap, You never forsake us sae, Colin Dulap. Na, waur ! — ilka winter he's affand awa", Like our fine bloods to Italy, shunning the snaw, LAIRD OF LUUAN. 75 Scarce deigning a bliuii owre a hoary hill-tap, But you're ever wi' us, kind Colin Duiap. The moon does fu' wuel wlieu the moon's in the lift. But oh, tlie loose linunor takes mony a shift. Whiles here, and whiles there, and whiles under a hap; But yours is the steady light, Colin Dulap. Na, mail- 1 — lilio true friendship, the mirker the night, The mair you let out your vast volume o' light , — When saekclotli and sadness the heavens enwrap, 'Tis then you're maist kind to us, Colin Dulap. The day and the night unto you are tiie same, For still ye spread out your braid sheet o' red (lame ; Wiien this weary worlil soundly tuk's its bit nap, You sleep not — you slumber not — Colin Dulap. Tiio folks about Glasgow may brag o' their gas, That just, like a' glaring tilings, pleases the mass ; Gin they're pleased wi't thenisel's, I'll ne'er snarl nor snap Quite contented wi' you, friendly Colin Dulap. Ay, aften I'm muelcle bohaddeu to you, While wauchlin' alang between sober and fou Wi' a stoiter to this side, to that side a stap, Ye shaw me the gate aye, guid Colin Dulai). Gin neighbouring farmers felt gratcfu' like me, They d club a' thegither, a present to gie ()' a massy puneii-bowi, wi' a braw mounted cap, To the man that befriends them aye, Colin Dulap. I ken for mysel', that a gift I intend — To ane that sae aften has proved my gudo frien' — • O' a braw braid blue bonnet, wi' strawberry tap, To be worn aye on New'r-days, by Colin Dulap. 7G I.AIRD OF LOGAN. I canna weel reckon how lang ye hae shin'il, But I'm sure its as lang as my mither has mind ; And in a' that lang while, there has ne'er been a gap In your body o' light, canty Colin Dulap. O lang may ye shine to enlighten us here, And when ye depart for some new unknown sphere, That to shine on mair glorious may still be your hap. Is the prayer o' your weelwisher, Colin Dulap. Alex. Rodger. A WIDOW S WONDER. Leezie IM'Cutcheox was perfectly inconsolable on the death of Peter, her husband, with whom she had lived some thirty years. Leezie was very peevish and discontented, and subject to bits o' touts now and then ; and in these ill- nesses was always ready to cry out, and yaumer to Peter, " Im gaun to die noo, arid the yird '11 no be cauld on my puir body, whan my shooa will be filled by some glaiket young hizzy." " Be na fley'd, Leezie, my doo," said Peter in reply ; " an' dinna vex yoursel about that ; tak my word ont, ye'U never either see or hear tell o' sic an event I If Providence, Leezie, should tak ye afl" the yirth at this time, whilk I think tlieres litllo likelihood o' his doing e'en now, for I dinna think you sae ill as ye ween, ye'U leave nae weans ahint to be ill used — wliich should be a great comfort to you ; and as for niysel' I can just put on my bonnet, and thank my Maker that it covers my hale family." So it happened, however, that honest Peter was the first to slip away, and disappoint Leezie of her fears for a succes- sor. On the melancholy occasion of Peter's decease, Janet Ribston, a neighbour of Leezie's, who had suflered a similar bereavement, called in to comfurt her in aftliction. Janet was of kindred temperament and knew practically every LATBD OF I.OGAN. 77 note of tho widows gamut, from the dolorous sob to the hysteric skirl in alt. " Weol, Leezie, nao wonder tliaii you're like to gang domcntit wi' perfect vexation. Wha was like him tliat s dead and awa, either iu person or behaviour ? — aye sae kind and sae hearty — the verra picture o" gude nature — the laugh never awa frae his lip, or tho joke out o' his mouth.' " Oh, hand your tongue, Janet ! dinna say ony niair about him to me — my heart's like to burst through my boddice. I mind the first time that he and I foregathered — it was at a fair in Lanrick — he was buying yarn, and 1 was selling't. I was a trig, wocl-far'd lassie then, though I say't mysel' — and there was a fiddle playing, and a wheen lads and lasses dancing till't on the green just ahint wliaur my stand was — and quo' he, my bonnie lassie, will ye tak a reel ? I just said, I didna care, if I had a partner onything like him- sel' 1 mind the verra tune that the fiddler played to us, as weel as if I hoard tho bow screeding o'er the strings the noo, — it was tural — lural — lal, — lal — (oh me, that it has come to this !) — ay, after that day, woman, Peter and me war lad and lass. 'It's just as 'twere yesterday to me, tho uiglit he speirt at me, gif I would be his for belter or for waur ; and 1 just said, in an aff-putting kind o' way, that I would like to hae liis character frae somebody that had kenu'd him langer than I liad done. ' Weel, weel,' said he, wi' a bit laugh — ye mind his bit nicher, Jenny ? — ' come awa to my mitiier, naebody has kenn'd me langer than she has done ;' and awa we gaed neist day, oursells twa — me riding ahint iiim ; and, puir body, his mither was sae proud to see her son takin up, as she said, wi' sic a weel-far d lassie, and a bonny cliar- acter she gied him as ever onybody got — and I mind she concluded wi' saying, ' that he tluit had been sae guid a son to her was na likely to mak an ill man to me ;' and oh sae happy as we were a' thcgilher ; and she gathered twa or three o' her neighbours, and gied us a 'bit doing, and Peter 7B LAIRD OF I.OOAM. he had (o sing to us, and a braw singer he was when he likit. I mind the verra sang, too — ^it was, ' Oh, gin thou wert my ain lassie !' Oh mo, Janet ! I wonder wha's lassie I'm to be next ?" R. THE WONDER RESOLVED. Amongst the many anomalies observable in the moral habits of our race, there is none, perhaps, more irreconcil- able ivith the character of a reflecting being, than that the very person who has made a breach in the established forms and usages of society, should be the first to blame others for the commission of a similar offence. A case, exactly in point, is that of our sympathetic friend, Janet Ribston, whom we left in the preceding anecdote, applying the absorbing- sponge to the tears of a bereaved sister, and bewailing with her in a most lachrymosal strain. This individual, after seeing two husbands out of print, as publishers have it, and again bound to volume third in the eventful history of her somewhat voluminous husbandry, is the first to censure Leezie, because, forsooth, she had not ridden out widow's quarantine for the full period prescribed in the weeping statute. " Dearme, Leezie M'Cutcheon, for I maunstillca'yebythe name that I kent ye by first — though ye ha'e changed it twice noo — ye hiuna really been lang ere ye got the black bord about the rim o' your mutch snodded ; deai- mo, woman ! I would at least ha'e tried the widow's life for a blink, to see how I likit it ! — sax months ; no rauckle mair than the time that tlie braird tak's to come to the shot-blado, — tlie verra sound 0" the mools on your man's coflin-lid is no weol out o' a body's lugs yet !" " Whisht you, Janet, gin I gctna sympa- thy frae you, wha am I to expect it frae ? ye ken that you were ance a widow yourscr,but you're no that way e'en now ; maybe, if ye kcnt a' tliat happened, yo wouldna come down poU-mi'll cu a body at that gate. Yo mind sao ill us ho LAinO OF I.OGAM. 70 was :" "That's John, ye mean? ye used to ca' him, my John; brawly do I mind him ; ye havena gi en me tune to forget him." " Stop now, Janet, hide a wee ; ray fau't, gia fau"t it be, surely disna deserve casting saut on a sair that gaet — yon would gansh a body's head afT without rliyme or reason; just gie me time to tell you — Weel, John (I'll ne'er forget him, Janet) was lang, lang in his trouble, j)oor man ; and him tliat's now in the guidman's chair, was wonderfu' attentive ; he was at his bedside every moment that he coidd spare ; and I can assure you, Janet, that it was nae sma' help that he gied me, a puir single-handed woman as I was ; the verra sieht o' him, ye wad ha'e thought, brich- tened up the face o' the deein' man. " 1 hae nae doubt tann a guidman sooner than the way o' tlie world is; but — to tell the evendown truth — about (lie time that John gaed to his rest there was sic a tlirangity i' the house, butt and ben, that I scarcely kent whiles whe- ther my head was on my ain or ither folks' shouthcrs, and he that has now the care o' me and my house was wonderfu' attentive, as I was sayin', baith afore and after John's de- cease ; and I'm sure, till the nicht that he put the question to me, I never dream't o' changing my condition ; and he did it, woman ! in sic an oercoming way, that nae mortal woman could hae withstood it — e en yoursel', Jenny, for a' your camstrariness, couldna hae done itherwise than I did. " lie used to ca' on me, after that melancholy occasion, ance in the eight days or sae ; after three or four weeks, twice — I'll no say but he micht, on an antrin week, be three times. Ae nicht, weel sal I mind't, we had sat lang beside ane anither on the settle there, and tlie words atweenuswero unco seaiity, just looking at the luiitin'-coal, and listening to its bit bickering flichter, naething, ane would hae thought living in the house, but itsel' and the clock wi' its warning liclc, till, after a deep drawn sigh, he gae me sic a wistfu' look in the face, and took hand o' my hand, wliilk was lying on my lap at the time, and sic a saft, kindly grip — I thocht 1 faiul his very heart louping in my loof — and lie just said 80 I-AIRD OF LOGAX. scai'cely aboon his breath, ' Soudna thae twa hands be ane ?" Weel, Janet, I thocht a' the blood in my body gathered about my heart, and came ower't, swattering like the gush coming aff the trows on a mill-wheel — an', gien me braid Scotland to dot, I couldna hae taen my hand out o' his. After this, 1 sawna his face for twa-three days, and whan he cam', he looked blater-like than usual, and no a word that nicht about the hands. The verra neist, however, he came dandering in past the hallan wa' ere I wist, and took a seat, and ai'ter we had cracked hither and yont about the clashes intlte kintra side, he looked earnestly in the fire for a guid while, and then turned the tail o' his e'e to me, and cateh't mine just as I was turnin't awa, and took me by the hand again, firmer maybe than the first time, and said, loud enough for me to hear, "This ban's mine, and whan am I to see't at its ain shouthcr?" I never said a M'ord, for I was per- fectly o'ercome baith times — no a word would he hear, but that I maun be his gin Lammas, and a' that I could say or do would he be pitten aff; sae I just said to mysel, what maun be maun be, and, sin' it is the will o' Providence. J maun e'en submit ; so ye see, Janet, I didna dock mysel' up like some o' my neighbours, and gang to the market for a man ; if he hadna come to me, and in the o'ercoming way that he did it too, I'll assure you John's shoon wad ne'er hae been warmed by ither feet than his ain." *' Weel," said the Job-comforter, Janet, "ye wasna ill to catch, Leezie; woman, he's no a buirdly man like what John was, a poor shirpit-looking thing — a' corners, like a pockfu' o' tups' horns ; the legs o' him, losh me ! nae better shapet than hurl-barrow trams. I canna say ye looket lang, Leezie, but I'll say this, yo liftet but little." " Now, Janet, sin' I'm oblig't to say't, ye hae an ill-scrappit tongue in your head, and it ill becomes you, my certio, to speak to me in that way — I tell't you, simple woman that I was, a' the outs and ins o' our courtship; speak as ye like o' mysi'l', but meddle na wi' my man ; but since ye hae set my birse up, I'll just gie ye bite for scart, — ye say that it wasna lang ere I got the bord LAIRD or LOGAN. 81 about my mutch snoclded — it was na© fau'l u' yours, or tho world lies, that ye didua get yours taen awa sooner than it was — au awfu' looking skup it was, boilled round wi* crape, sticking out afore ye an ell and a half — a body would hae thought when they were looking into your face, that they were glowering up an ill-lighted close ; tho lads aboot the doors, Jenny, used to say, ' you would hear that Jenny is in tho pitifu' market again, do ye ken whether she's hingin' out yon signals o' distress for tho guidman that she has lost, or that there's nae likelihood o' her getting auither ?' ' Your aia man, waesucks, is nae great pennyworth ; the skin o' him as din as a withered dockan ; ye speak o' ill-shapit shanks I ' Be na a baker if your head be made o* butter !' your buirdly man carries his carcase about on legs liker twa German flutes than the limbs o' a human being; ye surely dinna depend on yon twa pirn-sticks carrying you to your grave 1 Jenny, the folks say that the death o' your first man made sic a hole in your heart, that the second ane slippit easily through ; dee whan ye like, ye'll dee in the band (married to some one), like M'Gibbon's calf." " Oh fie ! Leezio, I didna mean to teaze you ; woman, that's an awfu' spate o' ill nature, I didna thiiJi you could hae said sae muckle to me." " Weel, weel, Janet, I'm in a bleezo in a moment like a tap o' tow, but it's just as soon out again ; if I hae said ony tiling o'er fast, just throw't beside the besom ahint tho hallan-door. Noo, sin' we are by ourselves, we may just speak our minds — a man's an usefu' iiody about a house, and as neither you nor me hae gotten very 'sponsible looking men, we maun mind that it ill suits a beggar to bock at his bedfellow : and mair, Janet, he's surely a puir man that's no better than nae man ava." II. THE HIGHLAND DRILL, OR THE M'DONALDS* MUSTER-ROLL. By the wise and energetic councils of the great Chatham, tho penalties and restrictions imposed upon tho Highlanders for their accession to the rebellion in 1745, were withdrawn. c; 82 LAIRD OF LOaAN. and that brave and hardy race of men were again restored to the confidence and favour of the government. Tlus just and politic measure viras followed by a general desire on the part of the clans to display then* gratitude and loyalty, by offerii ig their services to the ministry, at a time when the country was considerably embarrassed by the defection of her colonies, and the combined hostility of her continental enemies. Under these circumstances, the offers from the Highlands were readily accepted, and numerous clan regi- ments were forthwith embodied, many of whom were mus- tered and disciplined in the various borough-towns which happened to have ground adapted for the purpose. Among these, none had more ample accommodation than our own good city ; and in consequence, the Highland muster-roll and drill were perhaps oftener heard on our Green than on any other spot in Britain. These, from the strongly marked peculiarities of the Highland character, afforded great amusement to such of om* citizens as left their bed betimes to go in quest of herb ale, air, and exercise, for the good of their health ; and to the recollection of one of these old worthies we are indebted for the following notan- dum of the muster-roll of a company of the regiment of the clan Ronald, among whom the patronymic of Donald M'- Donald was so numerous, that tlie drill-sergeant was obliged either to apply notation to distinguish the Donalds, or those soubriquets by which they were known in their native glens ; and as the latter mode came more natural to the men as well as to their "master of drill," who was also from the " country of the clan Ilouald," it was generally adopted The ruiming commentary of the sergeant, however, was generally the most amusing part of the duties of the morn- ing, particularly to the spectators, as it often showed, in a \ wry ludicrous point of view, the feelings of favour or dislike which the man of the sash and halbert entertained towards the individuals under his control ; and to this we shall chiefly confine ourselves in the following brief illustration of Celtic discipline : — Sergeant (bawling at the top of his voice), LAIRD OF LOO&N. 83 " Douald M'Donald, ADior ?* — (no answer, the man bomg absent)— I see you're there, so you're right not to speak to nobody m the ranks. Donald M'Donald, Rhiia ?"f " Here." " Ay, you're always here when nobody wants you. Donald M'Donald, Fad?% — (no answer) — oh decent, modest lad you're always here, though like a good sodger, as you are, you seldom say nothing about it. Donald M'Donald, Clua- mil Mhor?% — (no answer) — I hear you; but you might speak a little louder for all that. Douald M'Donald, Ordag ?"|| ** Here." " If you're here this morning, it's no likely you'll be here to-morrow morning, I'll shust mark you down ab- sent ; so let that stand for that. Donald M'Donald, Casan Afhurf"'^ "Here." "Ohdaraorst! you said that yesterday, but wha saw't you — you're always here if we take your own word for it. Douald INI'Donald, Cam bed ?** " Here," (in a loud voice). " If you was not knowni for a tarn liar, I would believe you ; but you've a bad habit, my lad, of al- ways crying here whether you're here or no , and till you give up your bad habit, I'll shust always mark you down absent for your impudence : it's all for your own good, so you need not cast down your brows, but shust be thankful that I don't stop your loaf too ; and then you wad maybe liave to thank your own souple tongue for a sair back and a loom belly. Attention noo, lads 1 and let every man turn his eyes to the sergeant T J. D. Carrick. THE LAIRD AND IIIS FOOTMAN. " How had you the audacity, John, to go and tell some of the people of P , that I was a low, mean fellow, and no gentleman?'' " Na, na, sir, you'll no catch me at the like o' that ; when I gang to P — — I aye keep my thoughts to mysel." * Big or gieat. t ReU haired. * Long. § Big ears. I Ai>iilicd to a man having an extr.k tUumb % Big feet. ■♦ GrooVer the charge had been proved, 88 LAIRD OF LOGAN. the principal accuser thus addressed the magistrate : — " Deed, Sir Bailie, the man at the bar is a great rogue ; the stealing o' the barrel is naething to some o' his tricks H e stole my sign-brod last week, and what does your Hon- our think he did Avd't?" Magistrate — "That would be hard for me to say." Witness — "Weel, sir, I'll tell ye. He brought it into my ain shop, wi' my ain name on't, and offered to sell rae't, as he said, he thought it would be o' mair use to me than onybody else." TAKING STOCK. A TAILOR, who practised his trade in the town of Kin- ross, having realised a small sum of money, advanced into the clothing line, which he conducted for some time on very cautious principles. One day he appeared remarkably de- jected, and being asked the reason, gave for answer, that things seemed to be going much against him in the shop, as a late reckoning of stock had testified: next day, however, he was seen in more than his usual spirits, when being interrogated by the same friend, as to the cause of so sudden and so agreeable a change, " Od man !" said he, *' I've been looking o'er the stock again, and things are no that far amiss after a'. I had forgottexi the ribbon and the button drawer." AN ALARMING SIGHT. A FARMER from the neighbourhood of Galston, took his wife to see the wonders of the microscope, which happened to be exhibiting in Kilmarnock. The various curiosities seemed to plea'^e the good woman very well, till the animal- culse professed to be contained in a drop of Avater came to be shown off: these seemed to poor Janet not so very pleasant u sight as the others ; she sat patiently, however, till the " water tigers," magnified to the size of twelve feet, a|)pcar- ed on the sheet, fighting with their usual ferocity. Junof LAIKD OF LOGAN. 89 now rose in great trepidation, and cried to her husband, *' for gudesake, couie awa, John." " Sit still, woman," said John, "and see the show." ''See the show! — gude keep U3 a', man, what wad come o* us if the awfu'-likc brutes wad break out o* the water ?" A HIGHLAND WATCHMAN. A RAW sort of lad, from the Island of Mull, whose know- ledge of the world was evidently very limited, called upon the superintendent of the Edinburgh police, requesting to be employed as a watchman. The captain seeing him, though rather inexperienced and diffident, still with some- thing of shrewdness, as he thought, about him, agreed to make trial of him, and accordingly appointed him to a sta- tion in College Street. A person was sent along with him to point out his various duties, and, among other things, to instruct him as to calling the hour. He was told that if ho did not hoar the clock strike, he might catch the word from the watchman on the South Bridge. At half-past ten o'- clock, therefore, our hero was observed to listen very attentively to the call of his fellows on the South Bridge, and having caught the words " half past ten," he proceeded with long strides up the street, ba^^ling at the top of his voice, — " It's the same hour here — It's thesame hour here !" TAKING THINGS COOLLY. Some time ago, a young farmer left a market town, situate no matter where, and proceeded homewards, mount- ed on a nag of wiiich he has often boasted, as Tarn O'Shanter did of his mare, that " a better never lifted leg." The season was winter, and the night very dark ; and from some cause or other the animal deviated from the proper path, stumbled over a crag and broke its neck; although the rider, strange to say, escaped unhurt, or, at worst, with a few trifling scratches. The youth having journeyed 90 LAIRD OF LOGAN. home on foot, told the servants what had happened, and directed one of them to proceed to the spot next day, for the purpose of flaying the horse, and bringing away the skin and shoes. The lad of course obeyed his instructions, and was busily engaged, M'heu his senior master, who had also been at market, but who preferred travelling in daylight, passed the spot, and on heai'ing some noise, paused, and looked into the ravine below. On recognising through the branches one of his own men, he called out, " Is that you, Benjie ?" " Ay, it's just me, maister." " An' what are you doing there ?" " Ou, just skinnin the pony, sir." "What pony?" "Maister George's, that tumbled down last night, and broke its neck." "Ay, indeed! and can. ye tell me wha's skinnin' Geoi'ge ?" HOME MANUFACTURE. Those of our readers who have not seen the produce of the domestic tallow-vat in the Highlands, may require to be told, that from the saffron hue of the tallow-pillar of light, you would think that a handful of that mustard-col- oured article, said to be extensively used in the northern mountain altitudes, had been thrown into the vat. Two Highlanders entered a public-house in (Jlasgow in the evening, on their return from a cattle market in the neigh- bourhood, and, wishing to be on the genteel, desired the waiter " to bring a big twa shill stoup o' the strongest double rum, and twa white candles — in a moment." IRISH RIGHT OF POSSESSION. 'In Ireland, the rights of property remain perpetual after twenty years' undisputed possession, which is here called vicennial prescription ; after which period, the right becomes absolute and unchallengablc. A Presbyterian clergyman in the north of that country, remarkable for warmth of heart, inil the becoming attire in which he dresses religion, was T.AIRD OF LOGAN. 91 waited upon by a Catholic, whose wife was a Presbyterian, and he himself no great admirer of the Scarlet Lady to administer baptism to an infant of theirs. " You will bo astonished at me coming to your Reverence with such a re- quest," said he ; " but the fact is, I begin to suspect that yours is the right church after all j but any how, it gives you a free passage to heaven without stopping half-way, and making you pay a heavy duty before you enter. Well, as I am about going to London to-morrow, I think I shall give the spalpeen the benefit of clargy before I go , and if your honour will come to our cabin, I have got the Innishowen and galores of bread and cheese ready, and ail the neighbours are to join us." The clergjTnan thought the opportunity too good to be lost, and immediately accom- panied him to his house, where he found the friends of the parties assembled. Considerable pains were taken to de- scribe the nature of the ordinance, and the most affectionate terms were made use of to induce compliance with its obli- gations. The party was greatly pleased ; but none wat louder than the father in expressions of gratitude. After partaking of their hospitality, his Reverence rose and de- parted amidst a whole concert of benedictions. He was accompanied across the meadow; and when about to part from his convert, these blessings were again repeated. " I have just another prayer," said the grateful Catholic, " to give to your worship ; and if you won't take it amiss I'll tell you it. ' " I certainly will not," was the ready reply. " Well, Mr M , may you be in heaven twenty years before the devil knows you're dead !" MORAL NEGATION. Three Paisley weavers, whose wives were quartered at Gourock for tlie season, were anxious to get across to Dunoon one sabbath morning. Deeming it a profanation, however, to employ an oared-boat for tliat purpose, they employod a friend to negociato with the captain of the 92 LAIRD or LOGAN. Rothsay Mail steamer, " to cast out a bit o' his tow, and tak' them wi' him, as he was gaun clown that way at ony rate." " But what's the difference, pray," asked the nego- ciator, " between being rowed over with oars, and by the paddles of the steamer ?" " Difference I there's a hantle difference between rowing bj' the power o' man, wha maun answer for what he does, and a water-wheel pu'ing us ; in ither words, gin ye wad hae us to be mair pointedly parti- cular, a steam engine's no a moral being, it's no an account- able awgent 1" A POLITICAL PARTIZAN. A KEEN political party man, in the city of Glasgow — whether whig, tory, or liberal, matters not — when he heard of the death of an opponent, who, in a fit of mental aberra- tion, had shot himself, remarked, " Ay, gane awa that way by himsel' 1 I wish that he had first taen twa-three days' shooting amang his friends." SCENIC REPRESENTATION. A FEW years ago, the Euphrosyne steam-boat plied on Loch- Lomond, and furnished to summer tourists the means of exploring that celebrated lake. On one occasion, an oddly assorted party, assembled by accident, agreed to ascend the mountain on the following morning, to witness the sunrise. The party consisted of a thorough- bred Cock- ney and his wife, on their marriage jaunt, and who, with the exception of an occasional excursion to Margate, had never been beyond the sound of Bowbell ; and a worthy Paisley cork, ambitious, for the first time, of seeing some- tliing of the great world which lay beyond the Sneddon. The Londoner was a man more of bowels than of sentiment. The magnificence of the scenery through wliich the steam- boat swept him and liis mato, miule aboitt the same irapres- Bion on his sensorium as a well-managed scene at Drury- LAIRD OP LOGAN. 98 fiUne would have done. Ilia attention, therefore, was chieUy aud agreeably occupied by the duty of inspecting and direct- ing the preparation of a fine turbot for dinner; but being also a purson who wished to have value for his money, Iio kept dunning the captain to warn him of their approach to IJen-Lomond. At last, the captain sung out, — " There's the hill before you." " Oh, indeed I and that's it ; that 'ere hill is't ? — it's a longish place, sure enough — pray, how is the turbot getting on? I am so afraid of your Scotch cookery. 1 say what is that mountain made of?" " i\Iade o' I man," rejoined the sagacious Seestu, his fellow-traveller; "it's naething but a hash o' stanes frae the root to tiie rigging, saving and excepting the gerss, and the bit stunts o' trees that hac enough to do to keep their fitting amang the seams and the gashes ; — but in the middle o' the mean time, frien', I advise you to keep an e'e on your fish, for there's an unco set of yaupish-looking devils hinging on just noo about the steward." The party bivouacked at Rowardennan at night, liaving left orders for the guide to awaken them in time to ascend the hill before sunrise. They reached the top just as the first faint streaks of the dawn were kindling into life and beauty, under the rich glow of the upward radiance which heralded the approach of the luminary ; and in a few minutes after, hill-top after hill-top caught the blaze, till the glori- ous orb came bounding forth from the blushing east, like a strong man to run his race, and earth, sky, lake, and moun- tain, glowed under his beams like molten gold. The Cockney's lady exclaimed, " La! how funny ! an't it, snooks, lovey ?" To which the enraptured cit replied, " Very well got up ! very clever indeed ! excellent ! bravo I go it again, I say I" His friend from Gordons-Loan, in the pride of his honest heart, crying out at the same instant, " Man, there's a sun for you ! ye hinna the like o' that in the south." A SHIFT BEYOND TUE LAST. '* Can yc help a poor auld man — fourscore come the tiinw 94 LAIRD OF LOGAN. — that can neithei' work nor want," said an old mendicant, tottering his way into the shop of a vender of drugs. " Can't help you," replied the apothecary ; " have not a halfpenny to myself." " Hech, man, but I'm aye vext to see ony body waur aff than mysel', an' I'm seeing them oftener now than I wont to do in my younger days ; I think I'll ha'e to turn ray hand to some trade." THE LATE LORDS ELDIN AND HERMAND. The late John Clerk, Lord Eldin, when at the bar, was pleading a case before Lord Hermand, and having finished his address, sat down to receive judgment. His Lordship took up the case rather warmly, and dwelt longer than usual on the different bearings of the points at issue. In the evidently excited, and, as he Mr C. thought, party view that the judge took of the matter in dispute, the saliva from his lips was spurted on the face of the sarcastic advo- cate, who remarked, " I hae often heard o' the dews of Hermon, but never felt them afore this nicht." AN ANGRY WIFE"s ADVICE. A VERY economical and laborious guidwife in the neigh bourhood of Falkirk, was often put out of temper by an unfortunate connection in marriage, who was the reverse in habits of industry and care to his wife — was lazy, peevish, and more ready to seek than render assistance. On one occasion he had obstinately stood in the way of the house- hold interests, and exasperated the weaker vessel beyond her usual bearing. " I wish," said she, " ye waur in the vird ; the house I'm sure would be wcel quat o' ye.'' " 1 wish I were ready, for I got but little sympathy here." " Ready ! said ye? just gae wa' as ye are." HIGHLAND PERSONIFICATION. "MART.mydcarr'saidan advising Colt to a Highland girl LAIKT) OF LOOAN. 03 w lio had asked his counsel, " always look to your own hand, and never mind nobody's interests but your own ; let other body's interests look to themselves." PUTTING OFF A BEGGAR. A CONTENTIOUS wife is a continual dropping, and be the disposition as smooth and oily as well assorted mate- rials and moral dispositions can make it ; yet, the incessant discharge of acid, as if the tongue drew its supplies from a vinegar vat, frets the temper, and sours the blandest ex- pression of the"human face divine," the disposition hard as adamant, is worn down under its corroding action. An old sufferer in Aberdeen who dealt in the issues of intellectual bullion, had an application ior charity by an old blue gown, " Can ye help a poor widow, man ?" " A vidow, man, did ye say ? gae wa wi" ye to the neist door, you're no to be pitied ; I wish I could say tlie same thing." A BEGCAk's BEQUEST. Hawkie, taken ill after a surfeit of drinking, was wait- ed on by a medical gentleman in Glasgow who had been very attentive to him, and besides advice, given him his cast- off clothes and supplies of the needful. " Now, Hawkie," said he, " what are you to leave me for a' the trouble that 1 have taken with you ; you have had suflScient time to make a settlement." "Weol, I hae had time, I'm no gaun to for- get your kindness, and I'll leave ye something to keep me in remembrance ; I'm laird o' twa woods, my stilt and my staff, and they're no entailed, I'll leave ye ane o" them, an' gie yc your choice." BELOW PROOF. IIawkie is very anxious to continue any discussion on the doctrines of Christianity, when started, and shows a skill and point in the management of an argument which 96 LAIRD OF LOGAN. must surprise every stranger. Discussing lately the doctrine of baptism with a spirit-dealer, who maintained that the mere observance of the external ceremony was all that was re- quired, *• Do ye," says Hawkie, " insist that sprinkling wi' water constitutes baptism." " Yes, 1 do," replied the man of pewter pot measures. '* Weel, gin that be a' that's necessary, your whisky casks may dispute Christianity wi* ony Protestant Bishop in the hale kintra." MORE THAN DOUBLE QUICK TIME. Our orator once had a watch, and the only one, more- over, that ever beat in his fob. " It didna cost me muckle," said he ; "I bought it at a sale ae night, and the match o't against time was never in ony body's pouch, for it gaed a' the four-and-twenty hours in tho first ane after I had row'd her up." CnUUCHTARD QUERIES AND REPLIES. " Wha lies here?" " Wha lies here I" " Wee Tammy Twenty — ye needna spier ! !" " Eh I Tammie, is 'tis you ?" Atweel is't — but I'm dead now." NOTiriNG LIKE BEING PARTICULAR. In one of the stormy days that distinguished a late sum- mer, a lady lost her Boa in keeping tho rebellious folds of her drapery in a state of subordination. The town criei of Pollokshaws, where this graceful neck-ornament was lost, was instructed to advertise it through the burgh ; he ran off at double quick time, and having given tho first "tal-ling," a thought suddenly Ptruck him that the adver- tisement was incomplete, and he imincMlialely turned back for further instructions ; " Would it no be as weel to say whnt tlje callant's claes were like'" LAIRD OF LOGAN. 97 DOCTOR CHALMERS AND THE DEISTICAL COBBLER, The Rev. Dr. Chalmers when minister of the parish of St. John's, Glasgow, was one of the most exemplary clergy- men in parochial visitation, who has ever been entrusted with the oversight of any flock in connexion with the Church of Scotland. Not like many of his brethren, (wo don't except Dissenters,) who pay their courtly attentions to the lords of mahogany and upholstery, instead of the desti- tute descendants of father Adam, to the publicans and sinners of our day, and the children of sickness and sorrow, were the ministrations of this eminent minister addressed. Going the round of his visitations, he called upon a poor cobbler, who was industriously engaged with awl and ends, fastening sole and upper. The cobbler kept fast hold of the shoe be- tween his knees, perforating the stubborn bend, and, passing through the bristled lines right and left, scarcely noticed the clerical intruder ; but the glance that be gave shewed evident recognition ; then rosining the fibrous lines, ho made them whisk out on either side with increased energy, showinj 98 LAIRD OF LOGAW. a disinclination to hold any parley. " I am," said the doctor, "visiting my parishioners at pi'esent, and am to have a meeting of those resident in this locality, in the vestry of St. John's on , when I shall be happy to have your presence along with yoiu' neighbours." Old Lapstone kept his spine at the sutor's angle, and, making the thread rasp witli the force of the pull, coolly remarked, " Ay, step your was ben to the wife and the weans ; as for me, I'm a wee in the Deistical line, Doctor." THE PRACTICAL INFERENCE. With that intuitive perception of character and tact in addressing himself to the variety of dispositions and charac- ters in society, which distinguishes the Doctor, he entered into conversation with the cobbler, asking questions about his profession, and the weekly amount of his earnings, sym- pathising with him on the exceedingly limited amount of his income, compared with the outlay necessary for food, clothing, house-rent, &c. Then taking up one tool after an- other, he got explanations of their different uses, and, follow- ing up the conversation by a chain of moral reasoning, from cause to effect, led the cobbler away from his last, and obtained a patient hearing, which ended in the cobbler becoming a steady church-goer. A JEREMY DIDDLER DIDDLED. A NECESSITOUS individual, who lived by levies on friends, (and so plausible and oily was his address, that his applica- tions seldom failed of success) made up to a canny son of the nortli, with whose pecuniary circumstances he was not very well acquainted, but just drew on him at a venture, for the loan of ten pounds. Sawney, who could very easily have honoured the draft, turned on him with a face like February, " Don't insult a poor man, Sir 1" i^ LAIKU OF LOGAN. 99 A iriGULAKD MEMBER OF THE TRADE. A TAR who had weathered the wide sweep of the Atlan- tic wave for several voyages, returned to fatherland in the nortli, for tlie purpose of seeing his friends, and remainin;^ at home, until ho should be initiated into the m^'steries of navigation. He one day stood at a bookseller's window in the village, examining its contents. The man of back-title literature liappcnod to be lounging at tho door, either because he had nothing to do, or else was not inclined to do anything, the latter the most likely, as it is common there still, when Jack inipiired, " If he had the Seaman's Vade Mecum?" The back-lettered scholar replied, " Ay, did you'll knew the laddie Macome? every body will knew him. He was a neigh- bour door of me for twa year." NO TEK-TOTALLEU. In a conversation between a member of the Temperance Society and a Highlander, Donald defended the use of tho concentrated essence of malt most manfully, and, as his own likings were concerned in the discussion, he made up in noise what ho lai'ked in argument. " How many examples," said the advocate of Temper- ance, " are every day brought under our notice, of the per- nicious effects on individuals, and the ruin of families by drinking ; I would say more, even fatal effects ; no later than yesterday, a poor drunkard died from indulging in whisky." " Stood there, now, my lad," said Donald in re- ply, " I am as far north nor you ; never a man die in the World from tcuking a good dram; no, no, never; its Hie nasty water that they'll put into it." A LOCAL TIUD. A GENTLEMAN passcngcF OD ODC of iLl Clyde Bteauiers, 160 LAIHD Orfl-OaAH. took tlie hour that he thought should give him the advau- tage 01 high water, and if not make it an easier, at any rate, a quicker passage, but was misled in his calculations. Reflecting on the irregularity either of the tides or the tables, he asked at an old acquaintance, who was destined to perform quarantine between Glasgow and Greenock, with iilmseit', " What's come o' the tides now. for I'm at a loss what to mak' o' them." " I'm sure I dinna ken," said the man of observation ; " but there used to be a gude ane aye rtiuiin atweeu the twa bripM KNADVERTENT AnMI.SSl>^-N. Ftk. »4R3iER had sold a load ot meal to a customer whom he IcnHW had the wherewithal to pay : never leflecting that ability to pay, and willingness to pay, are as different in some oeoole's practice, as are the distinction of bills payable and receivable. The man of mould, thinking his account quite safe, did not present it for payment, until the period had elapsed when the oath of the debtor determines the vahie of tbe claim. The account, wnen presented, was nenied — the meal never received — owed no such account. The tarmer. of course, took the last recourse, and put the de- tendant on oath, which was plumply given. Both parties left the court together. " Man," says the torturer of soil, "since ye hae got quat o the meal, ve raicht return mo the ^ack.' " An' did I no do't ? — most Cftrtainl' !" IGNORANCE OF FORMA. When the Rev. Mr. Turner, at present in Workington, vv.as located in GourocK some tea years asro, (where ho rfid mucn good, '* labourinir in season and out of sea- xon."' ) it was only occupied by him as a missionary station, ana not being a placed minister, he was not entitled to ad. minister baptism and other sacred offices, which only settled wergymen are qualified to do. " WTiat's the matter wi' our air. iMr Tunier. worthy man, tluvt lie canna hanteoze amt marry fo'k whaa tiievcomo?" incuired old Janet at tlie l)arochial incumbent who had come from Greenock to ad- minister baptism. " Oh I Janet, you know," said his lle- verenco, " that ho is not an ordained minister." " I tea naetiiiiig abont ordeenin', but can ye tell me it theres oii.» thing wrangr wi' his liceusp ?" DESLDERATDM AT A nMJAKFAST TABl.W. A TRAVELLKR at an inn m the West Hiehlands. which linppens to be rather celebrated for the superior quality ot its morning viands, was lately highly doliirhted witti tne varied and tempting appearance of the break tast-tabie. " There is nothing wanting here," said he. addressiae: hitn» self to a simple-looking Highland girl, who stood ready to anticipate his wishes, " to prevent me fi"om making a most sumptuous breakiast, but an appetite." " An appetite, sir?" cries the poor creaiure, anxious to please, " Oh bless me I I don't think there is such a thing in all the hoase: but I'Ll ask my mistress." A liOOja-NATCKED CIVIC, A roou man lately made nis appearance at the bar of tl>« Gorbals Police-court, Glasgow, charged with being drunk: and disorderly on the streets, wiien, after a patient heanni'. tlie presiding IJailie. wlio seems to nave possessed little of tliat firmness and dignity required for the magisterial office, ordered him to pay a fine of fifteen shillings. ** Fifteeu siiiilings!" vociferated the man, Avith more points of admira- tion in his tone ttian we can spare room for — " fifteen shillings I ! Bailie, yere surely no in earnest iJloss y». when will I win 15s. to gi'e ye?" " Well," said the Bailiff, yielding, " I'll make it half'-a-guinea, and not a farthing less I" " Ilalf-a-Kuinea, Bailie I if ye fine ma in haif-»- guinen, what 8 to como o' my puir wife and weau* fo» a 102 LAIRD OF LOGAN. month to come ? we must just starve, there's nae ither way o't," — said the offender, in a most lugubrious tone, — "we must starve or beg." " Well," said the relenting Bailie, " I'll make it 7s. 6d. and not a farthing less 1 " " Seven and sixpence 1" says the still unsatisfied offender, " that's just the half o' my week's wages, and there's no a grain o' •neal in the house, nor a bit o' coal to make it ready wi', even though there were. Oh ! Bailie, think what a sum 7s. 6d. is to a working man !" " Well, well," said the good- natured magistrate, " I'll make it 5s. and not a farthing less : though ye were the king on the throne I'll not make it less!" " Weel, weel. Bailie, Mary and me, and the weans, maun just submit," said the knavish culprit, affecting to weep ; at the same time saying, as if to himself, yet so loud as the Bailie could hear him — " Blessed is he that wisely iloth the poor man's case consider." The Bailie could not stand the silent appeal of tears, nor the apt quotation he had made. "Well, well, " again says the Bailie, " I'll make it half-a-crowTi, and, though ye were my ain brither, I couldaa make it less !" PRESUJtPXrVB EVIDENCE. A BOY was brought into the Police office, before the good-natured civic above quoted, accused of abstracting a handkerchief from the pocket of a gentleman. After the charge was read, the Bailie remarked, " I hae nae doubt, sir, but ye did the deed, for I had a handkerchief taen out o' my ain pouch this verra week." JEDBtTUOH .TUSTICE IN OORBALS. A CDLPRIT was brought to tlie Police-office, charged with a serious assault on the person of a gentleman on the Pais- ley road. After the charge was read by the public prose- cutor, " Wccl, sir," quoth the Judge, " for this wicked and malloious crime which you have committed, we will fine you LAIRD OF LOUAM. 103 ia half-a-GTiiinoa;" whereupon the Assessor interposing, said, " The crime has not yet been proven." " Weel, weel then, jast mal£e it five sliillings." HE that's scant o' win' shouldna meddle wi CHANTER. One beautiful moruing, in the early part of summer, while proceeding on foot from Falkirk to Stirling, we chanced, at a turning of the road, to come upon a man busily engaged in forcing a pair of bagpipes into the mouth of a sack. Conceiving the circumstance rather odd, we stopped to inquire the reason for his thus wishing to conceal from view the instrument of his calling. The man raised his head, and, with that sly, sarcastic tone, peculiar to the Scottish peasantry, when questioned on subjects which can only be of importance to themselves — thus replied to our query ; " Since you're at the trouble o' speerin', nae doubt it's but right you should ken. The pipes dinna belang to me, but to a neebour o* mine wha gat himsel' fu' at Doune fair, and left them in the house whar he had been playing. Now, am just takin' them hame to him, and 1 was thinking to mysel, as I ken naething about music, if I were to carry them open- ly, I wad only be exposing mysel ; for the folks that dinna ken me, wad be asking me to play, and they wad tak it amiss if I didna play ; while the folks that ken me, wad be tliinking I was wishing to get the credit of being able to do what I ken naething about ; sae I think the best way is just to put the pipes in the pock." We thanked the good man for thus satisfying our curiosity, and passed on. We have frequently since, in the course of our peregrina- tions through life, had occasion to remark, that if conduct similar to that of our friend with the pipes, were in more general practice, we would have fewer men e.xposing tlioni- selvcs or imposing upon others. For instance, when Cicero Suivelarius presents his awkward and ungainly figure at a public meeting, and endeavours to enlightca the audience on 104 LAIRD OF LOGAN. the state of the nation, in a strain of oratory, which, though heard from one end of the room to the other, yet, from cer- tain nasal variations in his tones, defies the powers of the most dexterous and intelligent reporter to commit to paper, we have invariably thought he had mistaken the bent of his genius, and that it would be much better for him when he feels the cacoethes loquendi coming on, to follow the exam- ple we have mentioned, and just put the pipes in the pock. But Cicero, we are sorry to say, stands not alone among our politicians as one whose pretensions are at variance with discretion ; for, in these reforming times, we see men who, in private, have the character of being profligate husbands, bad fathers, tyramiical masters, and treacherous friends, presenting themselves to the public as patriots of the first water, and in speeches replete with professions of liberality, enlightened policy, unbounded love of the whole family of man, with a hearty detestation of tyranny and everything base, boldly claiming the confidence of their hearers, as persons eminently qualified to aid in regenerating the na- tion ! To us the pretensions of such men have always ap- peared to be equally ludicrous, as those of an amateur would be, who, with the trifling drawback of a wooden leg, aspired to appear as the principal figure in an opera dance ; and we can seldom help tiiinking, that such rectifiers of pub- lic morals would show olT to better advantage, were they simply to imitate the example of the man with the pipes, and retire to try their hand at reformation, witliin a more limited circle. In our " w.xlks in the world," we have at times met with jicople who display a longing after distinction, though in a (liflTeront manner from tliose we have just alluded to. Their greatambilion is, to be thought peopleof family, and, presum- ing on the quality of their broad cloth, the extent of their cash account, and, above all, the short memories of their early but less fortunate acquanitancos, they attempt to push thomsolves forward as the magnets of society, whose countenance is to be considered as a passport to genteel life. These people T-ATRT> OP LOO AW. 105 are particularly partial to antiquated china, and relics of tlie olden time, not because they are in love with the vener- able and intorostiii'^ pursuits of the aiitiipi-iry, but in order that they may have it in their power to show off the nick- nacks as huir-looms, or as what once adorned the " old-fa- shioned cupboard of my great-grandmothor." Now only think what a feather it is in the cap of a Glasgow man, to have had a GREAT-GRANDMoxnEii who could afford such fine old china ! The novus homo, to whom it is shown, is lost in respectful admiration of the antiquity of the family, but, by-and-by, he gets a little insight into matters, and finds no great difficulty in supplying himself with a great- grandmother, and a stock of as antiquated china as his neighbours. This is all very well and harmless enough in itself, but, as old acquaintances tend to spoil the sport, we would advise all such magnates eitlier to out old cronies (a thing, by-the-by, they are ready enough to do), or when they feel an inclination to prose about great grandmamma and her old china in their presence, either to tip them the wink confidential, or put the pipes in the pock till a more favourable opportunity. When we happen to hear of a reverend incumbent, who has got a call to a more lucrative charge, endeavouring in his farewell sermon to arouse the sympathies of his simple- minded flock, by describing the unbounded attachment he entertains for them, the distress which he suffers in contem- pl.ating^he approaching separation, and even giving way to his feelings so far as to call forth tears of regret from the eyes of himself and every one present, — we have thought, while reflecting that a sacrifice of a few pounds on the part of his reverence, would have averted this awful calamity from himself and his people ; that, instead of becoming la- chrymose on the subject, he would have acted with greater propriety if he had said nothing about it, but just put the pipes in the pock, and retired, in silence, to enjoy the ad- vantages of his call. Or, on hearing some one of the learn- ed professors of our university, in returning thanks for liio 106 LAIRD OF LOGAN. honours done him at a public dinner, extolling the seminary to which he belongs, as the fountain of learning, the store- house of wisdom, the conservative depository of unpublished lore, the patron of science and the hotbed of genius ; and, though we might have almost been inclined to yield assent to the eloquence with which these high-sounding pretensions were urged, yet when the ruins of an observatory, dedicated to the study of the heavenly bodies, but now neglected by our present faculty of earthly bodies, passed in review, fol- lowed by the immense piles of books (the compulsatory do- nations of authors) rotting in sheets, which our parsimoni- ous guardians of literature will not deign even to put in boards — not to mention the disgraceful roll of bursaries stripped of their funds, to augment the salaries of men, who, according to their professions, ought to have been the nursing fathers of such patriotic endowments — the manu- scripts, also, of their great but ill-requited patron, Zachary Boyd, mouldering to dust, without a single effort being made to preserve what may still be intelligible — we have thought, that the learned Theban would have shown a much greaterdegree of wisdom, if, instead of attempting to bolster up the credit of himself and his brethren, by such ill-timed pretensions, he had just followed the example of our friend with the pipes. We perhaps may be allowed, after alluding to such ve- nerable characters, to hint at one grievous, and we fear irreclaimable sinner against propriety and good taste — to wit, the all-sufficient personage who regulates the histrionic amusements of our city. Tiie absurdities of this would-be factotum, have already drawn upon him the critical atten- tion of a considerable portion of the press ; yet the mind of our Manager seems, like Hodge's beard, to be "made of opposition stuff," and scorns to yield either to the censure or the advice of his friends. Like Manager Strut, he conceives himself a "fixed star in his own theatrical hemis- phere, round which all wandering stars may revolve if they please, but there must bo no exclusive brilliancy on their LAIHD OF LOGAN. 107 part. If they shine, he must shine along with them — tho applause as well as the profits must be shared." This peculiarity in his system of management, was most strik. ingly illustrated some time ago, when he came forward to put his (piecr-looking mug in trim for accompanying Mr. Sapio in the duet of " All's Well." Displeased at tho reception he met with, he came on again, a-la-Strul, and informed the audience that he had sung along with Braham and Sinchiir I Now, really, we think our Manager must have been humming, when he said he was singing in such company. However, be that as it may, we would advise him in future, when his ears are assailed by a hurricane of liisses from all parts of the house, just to put the pipes in the pock, and slip off to the "adjacent," with aslittlenoiseand as much expedition as possible. In short, there are many situations, both in pulilic and private life, in which the example of our unsophisticated friend might be followed with advantage. You can mingle in few companies where you will not find occasion to remark that some individual or other, when putting forth his pro- tensions, would be much benefitted by attending to the lesson. Lest, however, our readers may conceive that we are encroaching loo much on their time, and that we our- selves stand in want of the advice which we are thus bestowing upon others, we will, with their leave, put tho pipes in the pock till some other occasion. J. D. Carrick. LOGAN AT HOME. OsK day the Earl of E , who had been out shooting, dropped in at Logan house for the purpose of dining with the Laird. " Come awa, my lord," cried Logan, " I m glad to see you, but I am sorry to say I have only two dishes to offer you." An excellent piece of boiled beef was shortly served up, with a plentiful garnishing of greens, to which ample justice being done, the Earl inc^uircd after the other 108 LAIRD OF LOGAN. dish. Here the servant in waiting became agitaterl, and whispered to his master, who, looking over to his noble guest, calmly observed, " My lord, the other dish is — a hearty welcome, to which you cannot object." " O ho !" cried the Earl, very good-naturedly, to the servant. " in that case, John, you'll just bring back my plate." A SHAVING ADVICE. Major Logan was invited to attend a masquerade, at the residence of a nobleman in his neighbourhood. Before he had fixed on his own dress, he was waited upon by a gentle- man, who was noted, not only for his slovenly habits, hut liis general disregard of cleanliness. The object of the visit, he explained to the Major, was to consult him as to what he considered an effectual masqueing dress, as he had reason for wishing to escape from all recognition on the occasion. "Then, Air T ," said the Major, "just shave yourself well, wash your face, and put on a clean shirt, and 111 forfeit my commission if you don't puzzle the most knowing ones among them." MORE THAN A PROVIDENTIAL ESCAPE. A SERVING woman who was sent to bring water for some domestic purposes, returned completely drenched, after what was considered rather an unreasonable length of time. On making her way to the kitchen, her mistress demanded what had kept her so long. " Kecpit me sac lang 1" said the dripping absentee with a look of surprise, " deed, ye vnay be glad to see me again : the burn was rinnin' frae bank to brae, I missed a fit and fell in, and if it hadna been for Providence ami anitlior woman, I wad hae been drowned." LAIRU Ol' LOGAN. 109 A nOHSE FOR A SniP's CUBW. " Can you give me a borse the length o' Paisley ?" said .1 geullemaii, tlie otlier day, popping his head in at tho bar window of ttie Eagle Inn. " Deed no," said mine host, " 1 have na ony that length ; but 111 gie you as lang a ano as I can." ri.i;[;i(Ai. UETOiiT. The practice of "giving out the Ihie," as it is called in our churches, has becu nearly abandoned. 'I'he precentor or leader of the psalmody in tlie kirk, paused at the end uf every line, or second line, and read out an ecjual portion to be joined in by the congregation, to accommodate the blind, and those who could not read for themselves; yet this inno- vation on the usage of the good old times was not effected without many sorrowful complaints from those not given to change. The late excellent man, and most popular preacher. Dr. Balfour of Glasgow, had his own share of complaints among his flock. One day, on retiring from his weekly labours, he accosted an old female well known to him — " Margaret, I hope you are well today." " Oil yes, Doctor, I'm very weel ; but, dear sirs, I dinna like this way the precentor has got into of no gi'i'in' out the Une.'* " What fault have ye to it?" said the Doctor in a kindly tone. " Oh, sir," says Margaret, " I just like to gust my gab twice wi't. " The reason was incontrovertible, and tlie Doctor was satisfied. Some time afterwards, the Doctor met the same person, and on asking kindly after her health, OP LOOAN. IIA Other daj to his ploughman, " but jou le an uuco siow feeder." " Verra true, maister," said Tarn flourishing ttm spoon, " but I'm a roal sure one !" MAHJAN ANU .KSOr Logan was once on a visa at a friends nouso. woer* he used to spend a rew days occasionally. His triond, Do- ing a family man. and some of his children in orogress with their English, the good lady, according to use ana wont, must needs indict on their guest, an exhibition of their varied acquirements : a sort of amusement that little suitea oither the taste or inclination of the Laird. The examina* tiun happened to be in the morning before breakfast, and it was coiitiuued so uninercifully long that Logan's patiencn was sufficiently tested. The little exhibitor wnose turn now came on, read to them the fable from AUsop of the Wolf and the Crane. The Laird could bear no longer. " Weel, weel ! it's a" very tine, my lady, that o' iEsop; but my moral frae the story is. that baith parties, like ourseja the noo. were sair in want o a pic!;." A UKOLIKAPHICAL PHATEa. The Great and Little Cumbraes, two islands situate between Bute and the coast of Ayr, are of incon.siderabio extent, bui possess aavantages as watering-places, sutficieui to attract many oi the migratory tribes of the Westera Metropolis. The late clergyman, however, overlooking these advantages, appears to Have valued his favourite islands cliieliy on account of their geograpiiical magnitude and importance — as ne was regularly in the habit of praying for " Tiie iMuekle and Little Cumbraes, and the adjaceui islands of Great Britain and Ireland " A Pk£CENTOR'S PKAYEU. A WRITTEN Uu* vnxs haudud up on a sabbatU moriuag, 116 LAIBD OF LOGAN to the precentor, in the desk of a congregation in Hamil- ton, containing the name of a person in distress, who re- quested the prayers of the congregation. The name had unfortunately been written on the back of a letter, and after the first psalm was sung, the person who" handed it up, had the mortification to hear the precentor read out in an audible voice, " Remember in prayer, Thomas Watsoa, nearer. Quarry-loan, with a bundle !" A CONDITIONAL PRAYER. At the time that the war was raging on the Continent, an honest woman who had a son in the army, was much concerned about him, and sent the following recommendation to the precentor of a parish church for the prayers of the faithful, which read as follows : — " Remember in prayer a young man in the army — if he be living ! " HOSPITALITY OF THE MiNSE. A CERTAIN worthy clergyman in the north, whose dis- position was to be as much given to hospitality, as his mora frugal and pains-taking helpmate would at times permit, was called upon one afternoon by a reverend gentleman. As they had been fellow-students together, and had passed their examinations before the same presbytery, thoy had, of course, a large collection of past events to discuss. One tumbler, therefore, followed another, and each tumbler brought along with it a new series of interesting reminis- cences, till the time arrived when it was fit the stranger should mount and proceed on his way. This, however, was a proposal which the kind landlord, whose heart was now aw akened to all the pleasurable feelings of sociality, would nol listen to ; and in spite of all the nods, winks, dark looks, and other silent but significant intimations which the married have the peculiar gift of secretly communicating to each LAIRD OF LOGAN. 1 17 Other, be iusisteJ, much to the cliagrin of his *' ladye-Uive," tl)at his friend sliould remain with them for the night. This aiTangement being effected, supper made its appearance, and was, as usual, followed by another tumbhr, by way of a sleeping draught. As a prelude to their parting for the night, the good dame was now asked by her husband to bring in the family Bible. On her retiring to perform this duty, their guest took the opportunity of slipping out, in order to leave his shoes in the passage. While stooping for this purpose, the lady of the manse returned, and mistaking the stranger for her husband, gave a hearty rap with the sacred volume over the bald head of his reverence, — " There," said she, in a matrimonial whisper, " that's for garin* him stay a' nicht." A LEGAL PnRSCER. A Glasgow shopkeeper, having put a law case under th« charge of a writer in that city, that it might be prosecuted through the various stages in the supreme civil court, called pretty frequently to inquire how it was getting on. The case having at length gone before the Lords, was taken by them, according to the Scottish legal phrase, to avisandum, that is to say, it was taken under consideration. When this stage had been reached, a long delay occurred ; and still, when the honest trader called to ask about his case, he was told it was at avisandum. "Avisandum," said he, at length, with an expression of great impati^ce, " what keeps 't sae lang at avisandum ? Can ye tell me whaur this avisandum is ? Is't out on the Sauchieha'-road, or whaur ? I'll tak' a noddy, or the stage, and if it be within ten miles o' gate, I'll hae't or I sleep." The worthy man would probably find in the long-run, that when cases have gone to avisandum, they are not so easily overtake;! as he supposed. l\& CAmD OF LOCAir. ■ORKOWS or A SEESTU , A GENUINE son of the Sueddoa. who. along with his mar- row, haa passed the summer months at sea-bathing quarters on the coast, was returninij: in one of the steam-boats to their old most amid tiie din and dust of the gude town of Paislev. The day happened to be gloomy ; but not more so than the t'rugal-minded Mr Treddleshanks. who showed quite a web of face on the occasion. *' Dear me, Johnny," said his snouse, in a S3'mpathising tone, "but tu s unco dowie after parting wi' our Ro'sa' friens." Johnny was too deeply immersed in a brown study to give an immediate response. A.t last, after a considerable pause. "Janet." said he, "when vou spoke o coming dowoi here, you ca'd it gaun to the ' saut-water :' and, my certie ! but thev have made it saut water to us — w-e have only been down here ten weeks, and it nas cost me ten nound-notes '. ! besides, our ain rent at hamo nas been running on a' the time." The good woman's face instantly assumed a degree of longitude corresponding to that of her husband's. " Weel, John, it's really a wonder- fti' ransom o' siller to pay for a mouthfu' o' fresh air and a skink o' saut-water!" "Yes," said John, with a sigh, throwing a glance first at the sky. and then at the briny deep, *' but what causes my sorrow, and gars me grudge the exnense mair than ony thing. Janet, is the thought, that after paying sae muckle for their fresh air an' their saut- water. we should be obliged to come awa'. aud leave sa« tfinckte o baith ahint u.s 2" SALMON versus SRRHON. A CLERGYMAN in Perthshire, who was more skilful as an angler than i)opular as a i>reacher, having fallen into cou- wersatiou with some of his parisliiuiiers, on the benefits of Oiirly .-isinfr. mentioned, as an instance, that hp had that vey morning, before breakfnst, composed a sermon and killed a salmon — au achit;vemeut of which he ])lumcd him- LAIRD OF LOGAN. 119 g«lf greatly. " Awoel, sir," observed one of the compauj, •* I would ratlicr hue your salmon than your sermon." SII.I.KIl IN TUE BANK. One of the old Town Guard of Edinburgh (a Highlander, as many of that body were) having fallen asleep while oii duty, was sentenced to be drummed out of the corps with his coat turned. As the procession, with the disgraced guardsman, passed along the High-street, the drum beating the customary march on such occasions, a woman in the crowd cried, " Oh puir man, 1 am wae to see him." " No sae puir, madam"' — exclaimed the haughty Celt, tossing his head, and assuming a consequential air, which contrasted ludicrously witli his degraded condition — " no sae puir, madam, I hae twenty pound in the Bank." A CUNJCGAL MISTAKE. In a certain Scotch village, the minister and some of tht inhabitants occasionally met in the summer evenings to play at bowls. The wife of one of the party insisted on her hus- band keeping early hours ; and having remained rather hito at the game one evening, he became afraid that she might be occupied during his absence in " nursing her wrath to keep it warm," and that it would burst upon him in full force at his home-coming. By way of preventing this, but without communicating his fears to any, he invited the min- ister to accompany him home and partake of a glass of ale. After knocking at the door, the husband put the minister before him, hoping that by the appearance of the reverend gentleman, any unseemly ebullition on tiio part of his pas- sionate helpmate, would be prevented. But this precaution proved inefleotual, for on hearing lier husband's well-known rap, she naturally concluded that, it would be followed by his bodily appearance when the door was opened. Tho moment therefore the figure of the unfortunate (Jergyman 120 LAIRD OF LOGAN. darkened the threshold, she felled him to the ground with that ponderous kitchen utensil, denominated a potato -bittle. The husband, affronted and alarmed at such an unprovoked assault on an innocent individual, bitterly exclaimed, " Oh, my dear ! what's that you have done ? you have killed the minister o* K !" To which his loving spouse replied, " Oh, my dear ! that's a pity, but I thought it was yoursel." HIGHLAND RETORT. An English gentleman, whose proportions of body ap- proached nearer to those of Stephen Kemble than of the living skeleton, happened to make his summer sojourn at a watering-place on the west coast. Being, from his unwieldy bulk, unable to take exercise, his principal amusement was to sit outside his door, andconvei'se with Donald Frazer, an old Highlander, wlio was considered a sort of character in the village. Donald's favourite topic was the great men to whom he was allied, which the Englishman encouraged, for the purpose of drawing out the peculiarities of the old man, and thereby getting amusement at his expense. One day, Donald had agreed to drive home a large overgrown boar for a neighbour of his, and passing where the Englishman sat, the latter instantly called out, in a waggish tone of voice, " Well, Donald, I suppose that's one of them there great relations you are always speaking about, that you've got with you." Donald, eyeing alternately his unwieldy friend and tlie mass of four-footed ugliness that was hob- bling before, replied, with a knowing shrug, " Oh, not at all, sir, no relation whatever, but just an acquaintance like yoursel." AN IRISH KKADING OF THE RIOT ACT. Ln a certain burgh in one of our mountainous districts, the important personage who filled the ofTice of fiscal, waa one night.enjoying himself over a glass \nth a friend, when LAIRD OF LOGA^f. 121 the servant opened the door in great haste, and announced, that there were two men fighting in Mac's (a neigiibouring [)ublic-liouse), and the fiscal was wanted immediately. The night was cold, and the official felt reluctant to leave the comfortable situation in which he found iiiinself; turnin" therefore, to the girl, he ordered her to " Go and tell Mac to give the men a dram to be quiet." "But what if they'll no be quiet then, sir ?" asked the girl. " 'Od dam'ort!" cried the fiscal pettislily, "just then tell him to make them fight till I come." SAGACIOUS SWEEP. The inhabitants of a pretty largo town in the west of Scotland, were lately amused by the novel ajjpearance of a chimney-sweep, who was seen plodding along the street with one-half of his face washed, shaved, and trimmed, and the other unshorn and as black as ebony. On being questioned as to his motives for granting ablution only to one-half of his physiog, he replied, " Only half the duty's aff the soap yet." A POSER, A TouNG preacher was employed by a relative who pre- sides over the spiritualities of a parish at no great distance from Glasgow, to assist in the discharge of the laborious and important duties of a pastor. The young man, on all occasions, displayed much zeal in his endeavours to induce the dissenting parishioners to return within the walls of the Church. On one occasion, falling in with a decent matron attaclicd to the Relief body, he, as usual, urged his claim upon her attendance at the parish kirk. The scruples of the old lady were not, however, so easily got over, and at last she pointedly told him, that she " didna like read sermons." " ^Vhat wouldbccorae of you, Janet," said the preacher, "if you Avcro in England, where you would hear read prayers ?" 122 LAIRD OF LOGAK, " Hech, sir !" said this modern Jenny Geddes, " I won- der what Jonah wad hae done if he had ha'en to read hia prayers I" EVERY BODY HAS HIS BDBBLY JOCK. The following anecdote of the late Sir Walter Scott, has a genuine appearance. A gentleman, conversing with the illustrious author, remarked that he believed it possible that perfect happiness might be enjoyed, even in this world. Sir Walter dissented. " Well," said the gentleman, " there is an idiot, whom, I am certain, will confirm my opi- nion ; he seems the very beau-ideal of animal contentment." The daft individual was snooving along, humming to him- self, when Sir Walter addressed him, " Weel, Jamie, hoo are ye the day ?" " Brawley, on brawley," answered he. " Have you plenty to cat and drink, Jamie?" " Ou ay." " And keep you warm?" " Ou ay." "And are a' the folk kind to you ?" " Ou ay." " There," said the poet's anta- gonist, crowing, "is a perfectly happy creature." " Not so fast, ' continued Sir Walter. " Is there nacthing, Jamie, that bothers you at a' ?" "Ouay," said the idiot, changing his merry look, " there's a muckle bubbly jock that follows me wherever I gang." " Now," said Sir Walter, " you sec from this that the simplest and most stupid of mankind are haunted by evil of some kind or other — in short, every one has his bubbly jock." AN EXCISEMAN IN DISTRESS. One stormy night, a poor weather-beaten gauger, who had stood the pelting of the pitiless storm through the course of a whole winter day, arrived at a small farm town in tlie Western Highlands, and being benumbed with cold and almost frozen to the saddle, he made for the only house »\ here he could see light, and called for assistance : not finding liimself attended to, he roared out at the top of liis LAIRD OP LOGAN. 123 ▼oice, " NVill no good Christian come and help me off ray horse ?" Awakened by the noise, a sturdy old Celt opened the door, and asked if it was " Chisholm's he wanted?" " No," said the impatient inspector of spigots, " I want some good Christian to help me off my horse." " Ah ! sir," said Donald, " we don't know them peoples ; we're a' Cara- crons here." A HINT TO GUARDS TO BE ON THEIR GUARD. WuiLE ilr. Lyon,* the spirited coach proprietor, was tra- velling once in England with Mrs. L., a change of coach lior- 8es, &c., was announced, by the guard appearing in the travel- lers' room, and begging the passengers to remember him. Thi' person who sat ne.xt the door chanced to be a lady, accompa- nied by her two daughters, who untied her purse-strings at his ro«iuest, and handed him5s. — a most handsome reward. This was by no moans the opinion of our swell with the many-neck- ed coat, who kept looking contemptuously at the money, and saying " a very poor allowance, madam, for a lady to give — a very poor allowance indeed." To put an end to his im- pertinence, the lady handed him '2s. more. The next person accosted was Mr L . " Please remember the guard, sir !" " Pray, what is the use of a guard on this coach ?" de- manded Mr. L . The man, evidently perplexed by the question, and the authoritative manner in which it was put , stammered out, " To — to — to take charge of the luggage, sir 1" " Then look there at my wife's band-box — look, sir, at that band-box, I say ! I took it in charge myself all the way, ♦ Well knowTi, wo believe, over tlie entire kinRiloin for liis entcrpriso and pnblic spirit, in eftecting a complete revolution in the wliole system of coiivcy:inco by stage coacliea. We are bold to say tliat in tbe United Kingdom there isnot an individual to whom the public lies under greater obligations than to Mr Lyon, in this respect We trust they will make some attempt to compensato him ; ho has now retired from business in . consequence of his health, with a retiring pension to be sure for his twenty years' service in the I'eninsular war, but nothing from the public. !24 LAIRD OF LOGAN. except in crossing the ferry ; and you see you have allowed it to get abused while under your guardianship. No, sir ! for your insolence to that lady, I will not give you a farthing; and if the other passengers will take my advice, they will act in the same manner." In vain the fellow applied to each of them. " Then," said he, addressing Mr. L , "I'K charge you for extra luggage." " Do in that as you please, sir." On approaching the coach, he asked Mr. L. if that was his luggage, pointing to some trunks standing in the lobby. " Find you that out, sir." Taking this as an acknow- ledgment that it was his, he hurried it off to the office, had it weighed, and speedily returned, with a bill for 5s. for ex- tra luggage, presented it to Mr. L. and demanded payment. " The luggage is not that gentleman's," said the lady, "but mine, and I gave you 7s. before; you can pay the 5s. out of it, and keep the remainder for yourself." MOTHER WIT. " Well, John," said a laird to his tenant the other day, " what's your opinion of this Voluntary business ?"* " Deed, sir, I'm a wee doubtfu' about it ; — it seems to me that it's the black coats themsels that are making a' the stir : us puir folks are no fashin' ourselves muckle wi't." " You are quite right, John, it's certainly the ministers that are lead, ing the movement." *' Then, sir, you may be sure that the ministers hae a drift o' their ain to drive ; for my mither used to say to me, — " Jock," said she, "whenever ye see a flock o' craws fleeing a' ae way depend on't there's craws business on hand." LOGAN AND A LEAN FRIEND. Logan one market day happening to be in KUmarnock, was met on the streets by a long lank boon companion, whoso ♦ Tlio question Ro Ut'cnly agitated botwocn riiiirchmcn and Disst'iituii lATTlD OP LOCAV. }'*^ Btomach, as his companions said, was the only good thing they knew about him. This worthy having congratulated the Laird on his fine fat jolly appearance, concluded by say- ing, " That he reminded him very much of a butcher in a thriving business, whose money and meat did him good." " Weel," said the Laird, "since you're in the compliment- ing way, I may tell you, that you remind me very much of that same thriving butcher's day-book, for though muckle guid meat is put down in't, it never maks the book ony fat- ter." THE PREVIOUS QUESTION. We consider it our duty to give the daft as well as the deil his due ; and therefore place to the credit of Will Speir the capital retort which forms the subject of this anecdote : it is more in unison with the character of the vagrant than with either Logan or " rough, rude, ready-witted Rankine," to both of whom we have heard it attributed. Will, as wai his usual practice, was taking the nearest way through the Earl of E 's domains : the Earl made after him, and called out to him, in the act of crossing a fence, " Come back ; that's not the road." " Do you ken," said Will, " whaur I'm gaun ?" " No ;" replied the Earl. " Weel, how the deil do you ken whether this be the rn;ul or no?" BETTER A WEE BUSH THAN NAE BIELP. Wn,L, in his peregrinations, had a companion that he travelled with, and which gave due note of his approach on the causewaying in front of the farm-houses — a huge walk- ing-staff or pole, more resembling a stab used in cattle barricades than the usual compagnon du voyage. Will was observed one day squatting in the Ice of his staff, which was struck deep into the earth, during a heavy shower of r.ain. " Man, Will," said a passer-by, "you're no like yonrsei' tiic day! — the staff is no' ai\ uiiiln-clla, it iMiiiia 126 LAIRD OF LOGAN. keep the rain aif ye." " It may be sae," said Will, " bat no muckle 'II come through't at ony rate." WILL VOTING IN THE SUPPLIES. Our wit was ready at all times to divide his portion with the necessitous. When engaged at bis meals, he usually squatted himself down in the middle of the kitchen floor, surrounded by dogs and poultry — claiming their dividend, and which Will as readily granted, ^vith the admonition, " Aff hands, friends, and fair play." One day he had one supply of cauld kail after another, and aye the kail, as ap- peared by the rapid consumption, was " growin' better.'" The mistress hesitated whether she should continue the supplies, until Will overcame her scruples, — " Come awa', guidwife, wi' twa three mae ladlefu' ; ye see there's a gy- vvheen o' us." CLUB LAW, On another occasion, when Will was sharing his dinner with the poultry ; and when as the dinner party was numer- ous, two spoonfuls were allowed to the barn-door suppliants for every one that he took for himself, — amongst the claim- ants was a hen with a young brood, which, though clucking and striking out with beak and wing, could scarcely obtain a pickmg, notwithstanding the specialities of her case. A young cock appeared the most serious antagonist, and was likely to dispute the ground with success against the guar- dian of the poor helpless chicks. The mistress called the dog — " Hiss, Batty I hiss — scheu — scheu," but no sooner se- parated, than the belligerents commenced a fresh campaign. " Safe us," said the mistress, " will that cock no lot the mither and the burds tak a pick in peace ?" Colly was let loose a second time, and scheu — scheu — scheued. Will coolly took up his stair, and felled the fierce cook's-ootnb to the ground, observing, " That'.s worth twenty o' your schc'u — schcus." LAIRD OF LOGAN. 127 HIGHLAND POLLING. Ddoald Macalpine of Uichf'alan, in the county of Argyle, got himself equipped, in order to repair to the poll- ing-[ilace of the district, to give his vote for the Laird, for no other reason than this, and which, we believe, is not peculiar to that county, " because he was good to his ten- ant, and never put nobody to distress for their rent." The equipment that Dugald liad undergone was very complete ; it resembled the repair done to his countryman's gun — new stock, lock, and barrel ; from bonnet to brogue, the habiliments betokened anything but being the worse for wear; moreover, the shcltio bestrode by Macalpine, was provided with a new assortment of harness ; it was even no- ticed, that the smith's rasp must have recently passed over the exterior of the hoof, fore and aft, so that from head to hcol, saddler and smith had done for the horse what tailor and draper had done for Dugald. Where the clothes that Dugald wore came from, nobody ever knew. " They were," said Macalpine, " put in at night by my back window," and the sheltie, it seems, was found in its stall in the morning, shod and caparisoned as described. Nobody had ever sent any account for clothes or saddlery, and " I never," said the saving Celt, " seek after any accounts that are not sent to me — I have enough to do to look after my farm ; and it is just and proper to let every body look after their own business in their own way." As Dugald was on his way to the poll, ho made up with one of his nciglibours, who was also going thither, but on foot. Our equestrian was in a great hurry, urging the horse on to its utmost speed, every muscle of his body in violent action — leaping up and down in his saddle — tugging the bridle-roins witli both hands, and striking his spurless heels against the flanks of the unfortunate animal. "Its a fine day this!" said the mounted Celt. "Yes, its a grand weather ; you'll bo going to Cur.ichmore to give 138 I^AIRD OF LOGAN. your vote for Pitalachan ?" was the reply, which ended, like a true Scotch answer, with a query. " Oich yes, to be sure, and I'm in a great haste to be at the top of the poll, as it's the Laird's wish. Dear me, Shon, what way you'll walk ou your barefoot and carry your progue on your shouther ?" " Because, you'll see, that ray foot and leg didna cost me nothing, and my shoemaker will not give me my progue on the same terms. You are in a great hurry, I observe ; say to my fi'iens when ye get forward, that you saw me coming up as fast as I was, and that I will be there some time ago. Macalpine put himself and horse again in rapid motion, and soon reached his destination, and had the honour to be the first to give his suffrage for Pitalachan. John also quickened his pace, and soon joined other voters, who were also on their road to the poll. As they made their way through the mountainous scenei'y of the district, the conversation turned on the formation of one of the hills which they had just passed, and John was referred to for information on the subject, as being "an edication, and knew every thing and word better than the minister himsel." John, on this reference, drew himself up with an air of great importance, and accounted thus : — " You see that ragged-looking mountain is a great curiosity in its way, and it was brought here by the volcanoes when they were going about the country. The same volcanoes are now living abroad in Italy, bringing up mountains the same as the one before you." ]Jy this time they had neared the scene of political strife, and though all of the group, John excepted, had declared themselves for the Laird of Pitalachan, no inducement would make him declare himself. They knew that he respected the Laird, and all were astonished at the apparent change. Some secret influence, thoy thought, must have brought about a cliange in his views ; they fhittercd hiin-^no, they held out a threat, " Pitalachan has a great deal in his own hand in the country, and may harm you and your family,' LAIRD OF LOGAN. 129 ■' Very well," said John,." when one door shuts another one will close." The contest ran neck-and-heel to the last vote, which was John's, and would decide the fate of the election ; but the obstinate man still held out. A messenger had been des- patched privately for a near relation of his, who, it was known, had great influence with him, and who arrived just at the nick of time, and succeeded in persuading John to declare himself. " Well," said he, " I was just waiting a wee while to see what you would make of it ;" now came out the secret that had influenced him, — " I II vote for Plt- alachan ; and though Macalpine with his horse and all that, be at the top of the poll, I'll be the returning member in spite of him." CARVING FOR THE LADIES. Ddring the passage down the river, on board of one of our elegant steamers, a gentleman not much accustomed to polished society, appeared so late at the dinner table, that he found it difficult to obtain a scat. He stood some time with his hands in his pockets, looking wistfully at the smoking viands. At last he was noticed by the captain, who relinquished to him his own chair and plate, when he commenced carving a pig that lay before him. Having finished, ho passed portions of the dish to all the ladies in the immediate neighbourhood, and then heaped a plate for himself. Perceiving a lady who had not been served, ho inquired if she would be helped to some pig? She replied in the affirmative, and he accordingly handed her the plate which he had resei'ved for himself. Her ladyship, feeling her dignity somewhat offijndcd at so bountiful a service, ob- served with protruded lips, loud enough to be heard all around — " I don't want a cart load !" The gentleman, at her remark, became the object of attention to all at liLs end of the table, and, determining to retort upon her for her civility, watched her motions, and observed that she had 130 LAIRD OF LOGAN. dispatched the contents of her plate with little ceremony. When this was accomplished, he cried out, •' Madam, if you'll back yoiu' cart up this way, I'll give you another load !" PLEASANT TRAVELLING. In Edinburgh resides Mr C , who is as huge, though not so witty as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book for two places, and thus secure half the inside of the coach to himself. He sent his servant to book him for Glasgow. The man returned with the following pleasing intelligence : — " There weren't two inside places left, so 1 took one in, and another out." FAITH AND WORKS. A WORTHY son of the church in the West Higlihuids, who had peculiar opinions touching the " full assurance of faith," having occasion to cross a ferry, availed himself of the op- portunity to interrogate the boatman as to the grounds of his belief, assuring him, that if he had faith, he was certain of a blessed immortality. The man of the oar said he had always entertained a different notion of the subject, and begged to give an illustration of his opinion. " Let us suppose," said the ferryman, " that one of these oars is called faith, and the other works, and try their several merits." Accordingly, throwing down one oar in the boat, he proceeded to pull the other with all his strength, upon wliicii the boat was turned round and made no way. " JNow," said he, " you per(-eive laith wont do — let us try what works can." Seizing the other oar, and giving it the same trial, the same consequences ensued. " Works," said no, " you see, wont do either ; let us try them to- gether." The result was successful; the boat shot through the waves, and soon reached the wished for haven. " This," said tiie honest ferryman, " is the w ay by which I lAIKH OF l-OOAK. ISl hope to be wafted over the troubled waters of tliis world to tlic peaceful shores of immortality." ANOTHER ILI.USTHATED BY WILL RPEIR. Will Speir, in mnkinf; his way to a farm-house where he wa.s usually quite at home, accidentally lighted on a quey of iiis host's, which had got swamped in a bog. The poor creature was sunk so deep, that no more than the ridge of the back, tliu liuad, and half the nock were to be seen. Will ran to the house at his utmost speed, and threw open the kitchen-door flat against the wall, which rebounded back again with a noise like the discharge of a piece of artillery. The whole family, who were engaged at morning prayers, started from their knees. " You're losing mair than your winning," exclaimed Will, almost out of breath; " there's ano o' your stirks down in the bog there, rin and tak lit r out, or she'll soon be of nae mair value to you than the hide and horns. Prayers are a' right, and maybe ye're no sae often at them as ye should be, but dinna bo praying when ye should be pitten to hands." A PRUDENT ADVICE. In the village of Cumbernauld, about 15 miles east of Glasgow, there formerly lived a gash good-humoured person of the name of Johnny Waddel, who was not more remark- able for his honesty and simplicity of character, than for his shrewd sense and ready wit. Juhnny was a carpenter to trade, and an excellent hand when sober; but like many good tradesmen, who trust to their skill for employment, and know that their ton fingers are sure to prevent them from want, he sometiinos rrciiuontod the public-house, and iiululged to excess — a sin which his bottcr-half did not relish, hut resisted with might and main, by opening upon him a well-directed battery of tongue and fisty-euflTs as often as he transgressed. Knowing what was to be expected at home, 132 LAIRD OF LOGAN. John, like a prudent man, often remained longer abroad than he would otherwise have done. On one occasion, the merry carpenter as usual got tipsy ; and when twelve o'- clock at night came round, he found it necessary that he should proceed homewards. A friend was kind enough to assist him, " For leeward whiles against his will, He took a bicker;" and when he had arrived at his own door, and had put his hand upon the latch, he turned round, and addressed his faithful conductor: " Thomas, I wad advise ye no to gang ony far'er; it's needless for twa to enter a place o' torment at ance." A DOUBLE DISCHARGE. A. CROOK-BACKED personage of eccentric habits, was on a certain occasion summoned before a Justice of Peace Court, on a small debt summons ; but the legal number of years having elapsed since the debt was contracted, it was of course prescribed and referred to the oath of the defendant. Humphie at once raised his right hand, which was placed at the end of an arm nearly the length of his whole body, and with paw spread out, swallowed the oath. When the parties retired from the Court, the pursuer upbraided Humphie for perjuring himself for so trifling a sum; " Hoot, man," said he, " 1 dinna mean to let you lose your siller, come awa to this public-house o'er the gate here, and I'll gie ye't, plack and penny, baitli principal and expenses ; man, did ye think that I was gaun to aftVont mysel' afore sae mony fine gentlemen ?" THE BITER BIT. A GENTLEMAN, who was himself fond of practical jokes, iiad the following dexterous piece of practical waggery played off at his expense : — A batch of idlers and bon-vi- LArnD OF LOGAN. 1.13 vants were lounging on the principal street near the market- place of a small country town, when a simple-looking girl, with a basket of strawberries in her hand, accosted them, and asked the way to Dr. 's. One of the party pur- posely perplexed the girl, and at length persuaded her to leave the fruit at a writer's office, where the Doctor would soon call and get them. This was accordingly done; and the same gentleman, announcing meantime his drift to his friends, set out in search of the doctor, and told him that his friend the lawyer had got a basket of strawberries which they might easily steal, and make him give a treat of them in Jenny Shearer's, witii a stoup of brandy to wash them down. The doctor at once agreed to the plan, slipped in by the back window, which was left open on purpose, and stole his own strawberries, which he carried off straightway to the place appointed. In due time, the man of law, the doctor, and his companions, were seated in Jenny Shearer's, devouring the strawberries, and washing them down with " dribbles of brandy," which the doctor furnished at his own expense. When the feast was ended, the doctor with great cheerfulness said, " Now, gentlemen, 1 must let the cat out of the pock." " The devil you must," said the lawyer, " I hope you don't mean to part with your own strawberries and brandy." " Oh, sir," said the doctor, " I am going to give you the cream of the joke." " You may, if you choose," said the lawyer; "but it is certainly very hard that you should be the cream and the strawberries too." BIRTH-PLACE OF SIR ISAAC NEWTON. The clergyman of a parish, not thirty miles from Glas- gow, a very old gentleman, and altogether of the old school, having occasion to allude, in one of his discourses, to the aiodcrn improvements m astronomy, and their great author, Newton, said, " Sir Isaac Newton was as weel acquainted wi' the stars as if he had been bora and brocht up amang them." 184 laird of logan, travellers' room. Smith and Jenkins. Scene. — Jenkins sitting smoking, with a pint of port before him. [Enter Smith.] Smith. — Well, Master Jenkins ! I am glad to see you making yourself comfortable. Jenkins. — Comfortable ! Why, if a man can't make himself comfortable in doors, he will find it a deuced hard matter to do it out of doors, in this here blackguard place. Smith. — Why ! What's ado now ? Jenkins. — Ado! Why the devil's to do. Sjiith. — Well, Jenkins ! if you can manage to do the old un, I'll say you are up to a trick or two. Jenkins (puffing out a mouthful of smoke). — Harkco, Master Smith ! I'm not in joking humour at present, and I'll tell you why ; — do you know, all the accounts I opened here last journey, are like to turn out bad i Smith. — You don't say so ! Jenkins. — But I do though. Smith. — What ! all of era? Jenkins. — Why, there be but three on 'em, thank God ! but if there had been twenty, I dare say it would have been all the same thing. Smith. — How could you be so stupid ? Jenkins I was as careful as I could be, and I'll tell you now it happened : — last journey, you know, was my first trip to Scotland, and I know'd nothing of the folks in ; but in going about, I saw three very well filled business-like shops in our line, and took a memorandum of 'cm, and in passing along Street, as they call it, who should I meet but Jack Bounce, him, you know, as travels in the tray line. Well, I a.\ed liiiii if he know'd the names that I had marked, lie said ni>, hut Ik: would take me to a canny Scotclmian, a sort of a bill-sweater, who know'd everybody. I.Alltl) OF luu will not reyard it as a compliment, fur, beliovo mo, though an old man, you may still be but a young gentleman.' DUNNING IN TUB UlGllLANUS. A COMMERCIAL traveller engaged in collecting debts in the Highlands, once called in the course of his visitations on a tardy old Cult, who promised to settle with him at a cur- tain hour on the following morning. Knowing a little of his customer, the " man of the road " thought it would bo as well to be rather before than after the time appointed. Fur this purpose, he was making his way, but had not proceeded far, when to his surprise he meets Donald mounted on his little horse, with a creel on each side of him. " Well, Mr. Mac , where are you going ?" ' ' I'm just going to the potatoes."* " And when will you be back," demanded the hungry expectant of cash. " Oh, as for that, I'll pei'haps be back at night, if I am spared." " But did you not pro- mise to settle my account ? and I have to go away in loss than an hour." " Oh yes, to be sure I did," said Donald with great coolness, " but as the day looked fine, I thought it would |)ut more in my pocket to be at the potatoes, than to be settling any body's account." TUB A8TONISUED FIDDLER. At a harmonious little party, lately given in Bute by Mr. B h, the enterprising farmer, there was one of the sons of Orpheus, vulgarly yclept a blind fiddler, who, neverthe- less, discoursed most " eloquent music," and exercised so powerful a sway over the dancing energies of all present for the time, that to a mere on-looker the people must have ap- peared little short of crazed. Much has been said of the eflect of music with the ancients, and of tho power of * Qoing to dig potatoe*. 140 LAIRD OF LOGAIT. Orpheus evea to make stones dance, while the famous fiddler of Rhodes professed openly to make "merry men still merrier, a lover more enamoured, and a religious man more devout." But nothing certainly in modern times can be said to have eclipsed the powers of the fiddler of Mr. B h, on the happy occasion referred to : " lie made those dance well Who never danced before, And those who always dance To dance still more and more." He proved, in short, that in his particular bow there was no small portion of the virtue which is usually ascribed to the elixir vitse, and which is said all at once to make the feeble strong, and transform tottering old age into nimble youth. Nobody seemed to be more affected with the hilarity of the moment than our good old host himself; he jumped, capered, danced, and sung by turns; then running up to the fiddler, and taking him in his arms in an ecstacy of delight, — " My dear little fellow," e.\claimed he, " how delightfully you play! But tell me, do you play by the ear, or how?" " Year!" responded the astonished scraper of cat gut, with an arch grin, " faith, you wud ha'o a bellyfu' o't then. Na, na, sir, 1 only play by the nicht I" MAKING THE MOST OF A CUSTOMER. A WELL-KNOWN grocer in Auld Reekie was in t! e habit of exposing his hams, polished with butter on the outside of his door, with sheets of white paper between them and the wall, and written thereon Belfast Hams, and when taking them in one evening, laid one upon a chair with the paper buttered to it uppermost. Shortly after a stout lady came into the shop, and sat down on the top of the paper, and when she had made her purchases, left, carrying along with her govra, below the waist, the pheet of paper, labelled, " Belfast Hams." LAIRD OF 1,00 AN. I H HIGHLAIfD CURE FOR RHEUMATISM. ' Dear me, Shamis,* but yon are very pad indeed," said a sympathising Highlander to a friend who was confined by a severe attack of sciatica ; " so long a time, I'm sure mony day and night you are weary, with sore bone and thocht for yourself and family ; is there nothing will did you good at all ?" " Och no, nothing, and I'll took every medicine that the Doctor told me to use, and it's all as you'll saw, nothing for my good." " Well, that's a great vexation and grief — deed is't, Shamis ; — I think that I could did you goot, but I needna spoke, for you'll not took it, deed no, so it is of no use to talk." " You need not spoken that, did I'll not tako everything already? and it's maybe no likely, is it? that I'll teuck no more that will make me petter." " 1 would tell you in a moment, if I just would believe myself, that you would take it, would you ?" '" If you are going to make a fun of me, it is all you appear to me to do ; — and it is not a friend's part, as you are, to did it." " Well, then, I think you will take it." " 1 think so too," replied the invalid, "but I must know what is't I'm to take pcfore I'll teuck it." *' Shamis tlien, go away, and take hold of the back end of the Paisley coach, and run all the way, and mind to keep up with it, else it will not do, to the Half-way to Paisley House ; and depend on't, Shamis, whan you do this, you'll never have a stiff body in any of your joints, though you live to the ago of Craigangilloch, peside our selves." SINGOLAR EXPRESSION OF SYMPATHY. A LADY went a considerable distance to visit an intimate friend who iiad been taken suddenly and seriously ill ; the alarming symptoms had, however, subsided before the humane visitor arrived. " Oh! my dear Mrs. C, how are ye?" she inquired in breathless an.\iety. " Ou, I'm (juite weel noo. " " Weel 1 said ye, an' me come sae far to see you." ♦ JlUUCS. l42 lAran OF LOGAN. BREAKING UP A DINNER-PARTT. A PARTY of gentlemen once dined with a person Avho had a bleaching-green a few miles from Glasgow. The night was wet both within and without doors ; and about two in the morning, when a proposal was made to break up, the host got a large covered cart, usually employed in carrying cloth to and from Glasgow, into which the guests gladly consented to go, for want of anything better, in order to be conveyed to their quarters. On driving up to the Cross with this strange load, the servant, a very whimsical old fellow, stopped, and coming round to the door, which was behind, inquired to what point he was now to proceed. The few who could speak bawled out their respective lodg- ings, some in one part of the city, some in another, while others could only utter such sounds as showed how unable they were to take care of themselves. Quite perplexed by Ihe contradictory orders he received, and altogether hope- less of being able to see the whole safely housed, the man, to use a popular saying, resolved to let the tow go with the bucket, and going to the other end of the cart, deliberately upset the whole into the street, as if they had been nothing better than a parcel of old sacks, remarking, " My braw sparks, gin your tongues hing sae loosely in your heads, as no to be able to say whaur your hames are — though its maybe mair frae punch than pride — ^just try if your feet will find them." A DAFT BARGAIN. AnouT tiic middle of the eighteenth century, a natural, named Daft Jamie, lived in the neighbourhood of Denholm in Roxburghshire, and was occasionally employed by the Laird of Cavers and his brother Captain Douglas, who re- sided at Midshields, to transport them on his back across the water, which flowed between their places of abode. One day Captain Douglas, resolved to have a little fun at LAinn OF I.OOAN. 1 13 tlip expense of liis lirotlior, bribed Jamie witli a sliilling to lot the Laird down in tiio middle of the water. Accord- ingly, having taken Cavers on his back, and proceeded with him to the middle of the stream, " Oh ! Laird," ex- claimed Jamie, standing stock-still, " my knit's yeuky." " Well, well, never mind that." " Ay, but I maun mind it ;" and, notwithstanding orders, entreaties, and threats, Jamie plumped the Laird down into the water, to the infinite amusement of the Captain, who stood laughing on the bank like to split his sides. Jamie soon returned for the Cafi- tain, who, thinking of no other trick than his own, imme- diately mounted, and was carried into the stream. At ex- actly the same spot, Jamie again stood still. " Noo, Cap- tain," said he, "an' yc dinna gio me twa shillings mair, Til lit you doon, too I ' It is needless to say, that Captain Douglas had to buy himself off from the threatened immer- sion, besides suffering the retributive ridicule of his brother. PAISLEY GEOGRAPHY. " Can ye lend me five pounds," said a denizen of St. Mirrens' to an acquaintance. " Five pounds ! ' exclaimed the other, " if I had five pounds I would neither be here nor ony ither place." " Whaur then would you be?" said the other. " ALm, I would be down at Arranthru' (Renfrew,) vri the wife eatin caller salmon." CHEAP WAY OF PAYING FARE. A WELL-KNOWN individual in the west of Scotland, named Jock, occasionally came from Airth, with the great canal passage boat, and generally managed to escape passage frcs. A gentleman who knew he had not paid any thing one day, accosted him, " Weel, Jock, did you pay your fare to-day ?*' " Deed sir," said Jock, " I looked roun' me, an' I saw this anc payin' an' that ano payin', an' I just tliocht it was surely needless for every body to be payin' 144 LATRD OP LOGAN. CLERICAL WATER BRASH. " Thomas," said the minister at the ringing of the church bel], "I'm very sick, I ^vish I may be able to preach this afternoon." " I'm wae for you," replied his man. After sermon — " Thomas," said he, "get me some dinner, I'm a great deal better noo." " Nae wonder," quo' Thomas, whan ye've gotten a' yon blash o cauld kail het again aff your stomach." a family debt. It too frequently happens that young men who board with their parents fall behind with their board wages, and com- pound with their mothers to the no small injury of the family stock. As an illustration of this, the following dia- logue took place between a young man and his mother. " Noo Willie, thou kons brawly, that since the last time that thee an' me counted, tu's awn me fifteen shillings, an' I'm needing't the noo, to mak up the price o' the cow." Willie, who knew his mother's weak-side, and what young man does not? replied, "Deed mither, ye're gaun to wrang yoursel', for I'm awn you aughteen ;" so saying, he slid quietly out of the apartment. " Is na he really an honest callan, our Willie," quo' the indulgent mother, " though ho disna pay, he aye counts fair." THE BITE AND THE BLOW. " IIech sirs," said an old woman to her neighbour, did ye hear thae sad news this morning about Jenny Flytter's guidman ? " No, I didna hear a whish ; what's come ower him noo." "Dear me, the hale town's ringin' wi't, woman; ho was lying dead aside her in the bed this morning when she wakened." " Oh, poor body, what a wakening! and her no to hae her breakfast ailhors." " Iler breakfast, ye liavoral, what guid could that hac done iior? " Ay, she would hae been able to stand it a' that tho better." LAIRD UF LOCAM. m: BILLS ON DKMANO. Logan always kept a plaiu but most liospitable table : wliatever some of the gormamJs might think of the solids, no one ever needed to complain of the fluid department, either in quantity or quality. The Laird's poultry wcrt always tender and well fed— the housekeeper's instructions being, not to leave them to the ordinary chances of the barn- yard, but to give daily ratious from the kitchen. One day, the hour of feeding had been delayed beyond the usual time, and when the housekeeper appeared wilii die supplies, such a clamorous outcry arose among the horny beaks, as brought the Laird from the parlour to see what was the matter. When it .vas explained to him, • Ay, ay," ho remarked, shrugging up his shoulders, as if a painful reminiscence had come across his mind, " There cannabe meikle peace about a house where there are so many bills presented at the door in the morninfr." 14G LAIKD OF LOGAN. CLOTH MEASURE The abandoumeut of the charges against the late Queen Cai-oline by her prosecutors, occasioned great joy over the whole country, and in almost every town of any standing the inhabitants generally illuminated. Old Kenneth Fraser, draper in Inverness, rejoiced at the blaze of exultation, and i*emai'ked to a friend on the ex- tent of the lights : — " Dear me," said he, " Sharlie, I am sure five- fourths of the whole town is in a light this very night." " Where," replied his friend, " did you take lessons in ai'ithmetic, Kenneth ? — man, five-fourths is more, is it not, than the whole ?" " Och, Sharlie, my Uul, I didna need to come to you ; I have seen too many snaw day, not to knew what I'll say ; have I not ? — you powder and smoke, and nothing more, got cloth in my own shop, six quarters, and tliat is more V eh '•*' HEADS OR TAILS ? .\n old lady in tlie guid town of Kilmarnock, went with a [larty to see the wonders of animated nature in Wombwell's Menagerie, and passed round the area with her friends in almost mute astonishment, at the variety of the ten- antry of air and earth, so different from what she liad "oeen accustomed to see. The keeper announced that the party must leave the exhibition, as the hour of feeding was arrived, or those who remained must pay the additional charge. Tlio iiint was taken by all, but the wonder-struck matron, who turned back again to the elephant's stall, and seemed determined to have a more thorough inspection of this four fuuted locomotive. " Dear me," said one to her, " are ye gaun to stay a' night, Mrs. " No, I'm no gaun to stay a' night, but I hae been waiting to see his head, for though he's aye lifting his feet and jee-jeeing frae side to side, lie haa na tHriied round his head to me tills hale nicht." LAIRU OF LOGAN. \ 4J KOT I.N IIASTK. A ci.KiiuYMAN in the north, very homely iu his addtv.ss, chose for Iiis text a passage in the Psalms, " I said in my haste, all nxn arc liars." " Aye," premised his reverence by way of introduction, " Ye said it in your haste, David, did ye? — gin ye had been here, ye mieht liae said it at your leisure, my man." A CHAP I'OIl a' COKNS. At a late election dinner in the county of Bute, an old wet and dry voter was obsi-rvcd to make good use of knife and fork ; and as the solids were more easily passed when the thoroughfare was lubricated, he made fveo with every stimulating liipiid that came in his way. A wag kept his eye on him, and resolved to have him corked as soon as con- venient. " Be happy to have wine with you." " The same way too with ymi, sir; bnt I would be all the better that I knew who was't that ask me." Another took the hint. " No dryness between us, Duncan, surely?" " No, surely, whar there's so much wat, your healths my lat, its a praw day this, out an' in ; yes ist." *' It is not every day we meet, Duncan," said another, "join me in a glass of wine." " Ah, my poy, glat to saw you here, an' every pody el. c that's not here to-day." "But what wine do you take?"' " Did you'll ask what wine I'll take? shust what I'll "oi, all sort — nothing pefnre us, but to be eat an' diiinK, never refuse nothing; dinna dry your feet because it will wat the burns ; here's to you all three, both and more nor all the times yet, before I'll not take nothing, come awa, all that s more of you, you'll found me as ill to drink as to water, ony day. it's a good thing, my mother wad say, to have your kail out whan it rains cos." * * Wo suppose Donnld gives his own translations of tho snyinga, " A8 ill to water as to corn"—" Cog out when it rains knir'— and " Dry tliti burn bet-anso it may wot your fevt." 148 LAIRD OF LOGAN. STRIKING LIKENESS. A GENTLEMAN who had acquired a competoucy in ths pursuit of commerce, resolved to leave its harassing tur- moils, its " accidents by flood and field," and betake him- self to the peaceful occupation of a tiller of the soil, and rearor of cattle, and bought a farm in Islay. Before leaving GlaiDRrNr, a sanguinary action in the late Peninsular war, an Irish surgeon was busily engaged in his vocation in the rear of his regiment, binding up the wounds of a poor sol- dier, who had received a severe sabre cut on the head. A sulphurous bolt from the enemy, killed his assistant in the act of holding up the wounded man : " Troth," says the Irish Esculapian, " I'd better be off, there's more where that came from." MOTHER TONGUE. Mu. Carmichakf,, tiic celebrated ventriloqui.st, went., while on a pleasure excursion in Rothsay, with an acquain- tance to see a distillery supposed to be haunted, or, as our English readers may require, tenanted by the spirit of some deceased person, who had comcby a violent death. The fire- man, John IM'Lean, was a firm believer in the common re- port, although personally henever had any evidence, visual or vocal. Willie he was busy feeding the furnace, Mr C. put his muttering and peeping qualifications into requisition, and called out, as from the very centre of the furnace, in a most lachrymose tone, " John M'Lean ! ! John M'Lean ! ! !" Tlie fireman, in perfect terror, fled backwards and remainoil speechless, Mr C. all the while looking, if possible, more terror-stricken than the person addressed. Jolin M'Lean ! ! was uttered again in a most heart-touching tone, when the fireman, somewhat melted by the plaintive tone, queried, " liheil Gaelic agad?" * ♦ llavo you ? or, Do you speiik O.nclic ? IrtO I.AIRD OF LOGAN. A HIGHLAND SERVANT AND SAND-GLASS. A Highland house servant in the employment of the Rev. Mr. Ellis, of Saltcoats, was instructed by her mistress to have the minister's breakfast ready by a certain hour. One or more eggs is indispensable on ministers' tables by way of breaking up the fast ; they serve as a tolerably sub- stantial idea for the stomach — which abhors a vacuum, as much as nature does — to meditate on till the succeeding meal, and if the minister be going to Presbytery, also provide for a sederunt ; the amount of business to be done being no criterion for the time that they shall sit, it is often longest when they have least to do. Pardon this digression ; we are fond of practical remarks. Mr. Ellis got rat'her impatient at the delay, and sent to inquire what was the occasion : when the mistress came into the kitchen, the servant was shaking the sand-glass over the egg pan. " What's come ower you that ye have not brought the eggs ben?" Replied the ser- vant, " Och, you see, Mem, the first egg was all broke out o' smash in ray hand, as I was just at the door going ben, and I'll put more on, and that sand will not go a moment of rin faster whan he'll shake nor whan he'll stand." hawkik's politics. "I AM neither,'' said our public lecturer, " a Tory nor a Radical ; I like middle courses — gang ay out tliat, cither up or doun, it disna matter — it's a wreck ony way ye tak it." nAWKii;"s ri.EDGE. Hawkie improvising to the mob on the ine'n-iety of tradesmen's wives, took an example from the class, using the argumentnm ad hominem. " Ye a'," said he, " ken Betty Buttersoles, in the Auld Wynd o' this town, (Glasgow); she has a trick, common in mae wynds than our Auld anc, I can tell ye, an" that is, o' (luniiig up the edge o' her hand, some r.AIUD OF I-OGAM [.51 s:<)littl(i fiiim'i--- l)ut T tliiiiU yoc.inn;i wool do tliuaiio williouf doing tliu ithor— and the guidman canna trust lier to buy e'en a salt herring for the dinner, and gars her keep a passbook, in which the shopkeeper marks down everything." Hero a liooded female interfered, understanding Ilawkieas really li- belling a known individual. " How daur ye, ye rickle o' banes and rags, misca' ony decent woman that gaet ; gin I had my will, I wad gl'e ye anither shank to prop up." " Do yuu iiear her? now that's just an evil conscience speaking out," retorted tlie wit; " I dinna ken the individual I'm telling ye about — for I never saw her; but I'm as sure as the cow is o' her eloots, that that's hersel', and I'll pledge my stilt that ye'Il find the passbook in her [)ouch." A SUOT ON TlIK WING. The late David Erskine, Esq., of Cardross, IVrtlisiiiro, had an old favourite gamekeeper, who could handle a long- bow as well as a fowling piece, and often Munchausened on the favours that the Laird had bestowed on him. He was employed one day in binding behind the reapers, and was, as usual, panegyrising his benefactor, the Laird, who, ho said, had equipped him in a splendid suit of black clothes from top to toe. Mr. E. happened to b(,' passing on the outside of the fence which screened him from tlie observation of the game- keeper, and overhearing the oulogium on himself for favours whichhehad notbestowed, challenged the report, "Ah I John, what story is that you are telling?" " \''erra wcel," replied the steady shot, " if ye hinna diin't, ye should do't." PAISLEY onSKRVATORY. EvKRv person in the west of Scotland must know, that Paisley and Glasgow stand on the same flat or table of land above the level of the sea, and consequently the field of vision, as far as the phenomena of the heavenly bodies are conci incd. is as fully and satisfactorily observed at the 152 LAIKD OF LOGAN. shipping port of the Cart as at that of the Clyde. Then how did it happen that the Paisley astronomers came into Glas- gow, to see the late annular eclipse ? SCRAPS OF SCOTTISH CHARACTER. DUNCAN DH0. Who has not heard of him ? — the simple, honest, warm- hearted individual, who forms the subject of our story, and who erewhile kept a comfortable change-house in the High Street of Glasgow ? Reader, if thou hast not heard of Duncan, we shall tell thee a little story concerning him, at once illustrative of his simplicity and goodness of heart. Often we had heard of Duncan, and wishing very much to be made acquainted with him, we requested a friend to introduce us. We accordingly called one evening, and luckily found him at home, and, after partaking of his good Highland cheer, we found him to be very com. municativo, and withal very desirous to please, wthout wishin": to engross more than his own share of the conversa- tion. At last, our friend said, " Come, Duncan, this gentle- man never heard you tell the story about yourself and Mrs. M'Farlane — the Stockamuir affair you know — will you bo kind enough to relate it to him ? for though I have heard it hefore, I have almost forgot it."' " Indeed I will tid that," said Duncan, "an' it's as true a storee as ever man will made." We will try to give it as nearly as we can in his own words. " Aweel, shcntlemens, you will opserve, ta storee was shust this : There was may pc twenty, or ii score o' us, I tinna mind which, coming through a Stockamuir ao moonlicht nicht, an' ilka ane o' us was carrying hanie a wee ti'appio in a quiet way, you will opserve, an' we wanted ta moon to gang till him's ]iod before we will come into Glashgow ; for you will see, shentlcmcns, although wo will tid things in a quiet way ourselves, we niicht maypo meet wi' some will no be quiet wi' us — you will understand what I will mean, shentlemens ? Weel, you'll see. as I was I.Aini) OK I.or.AN. ].>.T tiild you, \vc were onniing (liroiigli ta Sto'kamuir, an' Mi^. IM'Farlano, puir pody, f I'm sure you will ken Mrs. M'Far- lane, as tcccntawoman as in a' ta Priggate,) wopI, slie teuks vory ill, ay. vory ill iiidoed : and some will say one thing an' some will say anillier thing, but Mrs. M'Farlane was not ahie to get on at a' ; so they will all went away an' leave Mrs. M'Farlane to tid fa pest she enuld, an' nopody was leftwi' Mrs. M'Farlaii" hut shust niysel. Now, shentlemens, was not this a great shame an' a sin poth, to leave any Christian creature so ? yes, I will say it was great shame inteed. So you will opserve, when I will saw that, my very heart will pled for ta poor woman, an' what you'll thocht I will did wi' her ? I will shust tak her 'pon my ain pack, an' \\ ill carry her a' ta way for twa lang miles, till 1 will prought hor till a house 'pon ta road, an' there I will get her coot lodgings an' kind 'tendance till she will cot petter, inteed I tid, shentlemens." " But, Duncan," said our friend, "what did you do with the poor woman's whisky ? you would have to carry it too, I suppose." " Inteed," said Duncan, " I tid not carry one drop o' ta whisky, ta whisky was tie on her own pack, and when I carry hcrsel, I shust thocht I carry plenty " A. R. " THE MUCKLE' max. The gradations of rank, and tlie duties and exemptions from the porfiTrmanee of certain services, arc not, perhaps^ more strictly ohserved amongst any class than they are amongst the servants in the employment of our Scottish farmers. There is the " muckle man" and the " little man" — or " hauflincallan," and the herd-boy — the deck-scrubber of the nhoje establishment, to whom the fag-end of every dirty job generally falls. The muckle man boars himself with great dignity and im- portance towards those of lower standing than himself, and cenerallvenforceshis commands in averv masterlike manner; 154 LAIRD OF LOGAN. it is well indeed if he considers that " aff hands is fair play. His costume — broad-brimmed woollen bonnet, broad-ridgcd corduroy jacket, and breeches of the same fabric, open at the knees, with garters of red tape inch-and-half deep, kno^\'ingly knit, and a goodly portion of the two ends left loose to float as knee-streamers in the breeze. Charles Paterson of Waterhaughs in tlie county of Ren- frew, had, as muckle man, George Murdoch, one of the class we hare been describing, who, though an excellent servant, was more master than man, and often comported himself in a most unseemly manner towards his employer. Murdoch had more than an ordinary share of mother-wit ; was outspoken ; and, like all such, not very particular in the selection of liis language ; out it came helter-skelter, wound whom it might. Mrs. Paterson was superior to her husband in discrimination of character, and it was by her advice that George was retained in the service. Though a woman of superior intellect, she had neither beauty of face nor form to recommend her ; she was fearfully disfigured by the confluent smallpo.x, that dire scourge of the se.x, in par- ticular ; moreover, by a nose of greater longitude than or- dinary. By-andby, it pleased Providence to remove by deatii the tenant of Waterhaughs ; and ere a short twelvemonth had passed away, the sluices of grief that had been forced open on the demise of Chai'les Paterson, had fairly drained the lachrymal ducts of his disconsolate widow, and Geordie " sat in Charlie's chair." Everything for a time at Water- haughs, under the new regime, was honey and s^veetne6s ; but the light that had streamed on the hymeneal altar waxed fainter and fainter, till the wife at last was compara- tively neglected. One day the new lessee of Waterhau ;h3 h.ad scrubbed himself up lor the purpose of attending the market at Paisley, when Mrs. Murdoch asked him to order the servant to put one of the horses into a cart, as she thougiit of accompanying him. " And what are ye gaun there for ?" " Just because 1 think the weans and nu; wad i,AiRi> or i,oi;av. 155 bo a* the hotter o' a bit luirl that longtli " " Na, na," said Cieordic, with a husband's politeness, " I forbid tlie sport ; ye may send tlio weans gin ye like, but as for yoursel, ye may do weel aneuch about our ain donrs, but you'll no do to gang out amang strangers wi'." R. Tin; TAii.oK. When the knights of the thimble give us a toast " cab- bage and kail," it is considered among them almost as comprehensive in its meaning, as " all we wish and all wc want ;" or, in real snip slang, " meat and claes, no forget- ting the blankets." In the rural districts of Scotland, this useful, though of- ten troublesome fraternity, follow their calling from house to house, instead of having a house of call, like the more fashionable portion of the profession in populous cities, and the makings and mendings are usually done in their cus- tomers' houses ; this practice, in their professional language, is termed, " whipping the cat." In some parts of the coun- try, you may see of a morning the whole of a tailor's circu- lating establishment on the tramp to their place of business for the day, in order, according to rank and standing ; — the cork, or master, in van, with yard stick as walking-staff and wax ball suspended from breast- button, followed by a journeyman or two, bearing the la-board or goose, and in the rear, a train of bod!7 me ; it's nao credit tn iiii' to see or hear o' oiiy persuii that lias been Ijrouyht up to their trade wi' mc gaun about wi' a character out at the elbows. Lads, ' a begun turn is half eiulod,' tlie proverb says; and now cawk out your course o' life with great care, and every day clip as ye hae cawket — there's a' sorts o' shapes in the mouth o' tlic shears, so see that ye tak aye the best pattern — that's my general advit'c, when ony thing particular occurs — as lang as ye are under my care, you'll get my advice for the ask- ing. My next advice pertains to your ain personal com- forts. There is an article of indispensable use, baitli to man and beast, whilk I ca' rib lining, and which should neither be scrimpit in quantity, or loosely baiss't on — there's nae padding sac usefu' as the kind that sets out the pouch- lids ; it, moreover, gars thehaunch buttons sit fair ; I ne'er saw muckle outcome o' your hungry-haunch fo'k ; they're no- worth their seat — they hinna pith aneuch to pit i' the thunile. Whan we are a'thcgither out through the kintra, at my custo- mers' houses, we hae just to see to oursels the best way we can. " At breakfast-time, gin your parritch can be drunk as ciisily as suppit — mony a time I hac seen that a cogfu' o' them could hae run a mile on a fir deal, only guid for trying the heat o' the goose wi', however, let me stick- to my scam — mak your breakfast o' them ; otherwise, if there should be, and yc may think this out o' reason, mair meal than water, leave some elbow-room in your crib — you'll in a' likelihood get bread and cheese after them, and when you're helping yoursel, tak mair cheese than bread at the fir>t ; it's easier to eke the ane than the ither — you'll may he no see the kchbuck a second time. At dinner again, tak aye plenty o' kail, they're sure to be thore ; for, gin they he guid, they're aye worth the supping ; and, tak my experi- ence, if they shouldna be guid, depend on't there's no muckle coming after them. And, thirdly and lastly, in re- gard to supper-time, 1 hae little to say — tliore's no muckle to come and gang on — ^just potatoes and milk ; ye cauna do better than Just to tak plenty o' milk to your potatoes, and plenty o' potatoss to your milk." 11. 158 I.AIRD OF LOGAN. A NORTHERN SOCRATES. It was the fate of houest Andrew JM'Whan-ie, of Whistlebare, in the barony of Bucklyvie, to be connected in marriage with one of those viragos who turn out to be any thing but answering the description of "helpmeets." Girzie Glunch, the maiden name of Mrs INI' Wharrie, was of an ex- cessively irritable temperament — " tlie verra turning o' a itrae," said Andrew, " is aneuch to set her up in a bleeze like a tap o' tow." When in herbarleyhoods, she was apt to enforce her commands with uphaud emphasis, and Andrew came in for a due share of this practical elocution, and proved himself as quiet and submissive a disciple as ever fell under a " continual dropping," since the days of the man of Uz. One morning Andrew came home to his breakfast at the usual time, expecting to find his " cog and soup"' set out awaiting him, but such was not the case ; the materials had not ^ot fairly a-boil, and Acdrew dofted his Oampsie grey broad brim, and sat him quietly down, to exercise a little more of his cardinal virtue, patience. After waiting a con- siderable time, while the process of boiling and stirring was going on, Andrew remarked that " he thoclit the parritch might be dished now, and that they were surely weel aneugh boiled." " Just rest you there;" said Girzie, " tliere's nae corn shaking at this time o' the year." The man of Whistlebare saw in his Xantippe's gathered brow and pursing features, a design, as he thought, to pro- voke a similar ebullition in his temper to that of the con- tents of the pot, and quietly gave way. Again Andrew observed, he " feared the parritch couldna bi- ready in time for him tl)is morning," and moved, as if to go away. " Sit still lliere ; I'll no dish them for your plea- sure, or ony ither body's, though tliey should boil till they midit be made tlium' raips o'; sit down, ye hungry haveral tli.at ye are; I'll gar ye chauner there, ye picktliank, guid- for-naething suniph:" and, ere Andrew wist, tiie spuitle LAIUU OF LOGAN I W i'cl)'iuiiili'(l fi'Dm lii.-^ hafli't, leaving a goodly streak along tlic clieiU haekward of the material preparing for breakfast. "Hoots, woman, I would rather tak the 'spurtle grip' my- sel, tliansec you aftlickit wit ; dear me, flirzie, I wadna hae Vjclievcd, gif I hadiia seen't, that the spurtle could ha'e lifted up sac nuukle ! We should let naething be lost, ye ken," continued Andrew, scraping his temples, and tasting the quality ; " I think they may do for the boiling part, but ha'e they no a thoclit ower niuekle saut in them, Girz?" R. SON AND FATUER. Simon BEVEnACE lived at Bishop-Bridge, a little village midway between Glasgow and Kirkintilloch, and belonged to that hapless class of operatives, the handloom weavers. The partner that Simon had selected for a companion through life, was fretful, discontented, and peevish ; and, ai> iier husband said, " her tongue never lay frae mornin' till night ; aye tarrow, tarrowing, its a perfect insult to Pro- vidence the way shegaes on ; I often wonder that some fear- fu' thing disna happen to her; — it's ower true that there's a liub afore everybody's door, but I think there's a iiiuir- burn aye afore mine." Simon, however, in all his troubles, domestic and other- wise, had great consolation in the sympathy that his son had with him. " Poor bairn," said Andrew to a neighbour, " 1 wad break down a' thegithcr, waur it no for him ; when he sees me down i' the mouth, he just looks up to me, you'll never hear his word, as muckle as to say, ' father, dinna vex yourscl, and break your heart about that mither o' mine.' " One day INIrs. Beverage's pcculiai-ity of temper, exhibited itself in such a way, as almost to upset all Simon's philo- so[)hy. " Aweel Jamie, what think yc o' your mither this morn- ing? is she no a heavy Iianilfu* for onybody to liae, lot alane 160 LAIRB OF LOGAN. your puir fatliL-r ?" " Is't no a pity, father," said Jnniir, " that ye didna tak Jenny Trams, when ye had her in your offer? sicean a mither she would hae been!" " Ou ay, Jamie, but what maun be, maun be, ye ken ; if it liad been ordered otherwise than it is, it might hae been better." " Weel, weel, father," said the sympathising Jamie, " sin it is sae, we maun just jouk, and let the jawp gang by ; but really I think we liac happened ill on her." R. THE SALTER. No one who has sojourned for any considerable length of time at farm house or cottage in Scotland, but must have seen the " Sauter," or Salt-cadger, as ho is called in some districts. Previous to the reduction of the duty on salt, those who prosecuted the sale of it as an exclusive business, required to be possessed of considerable cajiital, and the Sauter was thus a man of some consequence. George Paterson, alias Geordie Wersh, liad his home and salt store at Tullibody, and supplied with salt tlie dis- trict, having Falkirk as the farthest point eastward — an oblique line to Fintry on the south— and bearing westward to Drymen, thence tln-ough Aberfoyle, Callander, on to ]5alquiddcr — and then made the best of his way home to renew his stock. Geordie was a hale, hearty, humorous, ligiit-hearted sort of personage — one, perhaps, of the best tempered men north of the Cheviot hills — a man, in fact, whom no pro- vocation could irritate, or ribbald banter, laugh into pet. His countenance hard and weather-beaten, but full of ex- pression, and, when excited, every feature gloweil with animation, like the fused metal in the crucible. It was |)U)ughid up by deeply traced lines ; but these furrows had not been drawn by the shrivelled finger of care, but by the frequent exercise of the muscles, which distinguish man in the class to which he belongs as posses.sed of risibility. Ho usually woro a broad-rimmed woollen boiuiet of cxtraor.li- I.AiltL) OF LOGAN. 161 iiary eireunitt-rt'iico, whicli when it rained, he said, " eoost tlie drap ower his shouther;" liis shirt-collar unci)iifin<'d lay over on his shoulders, school-boy-fashion ; his vest of green bearded plush open at the breast; a coarse blue duf. fle-coat sadly curtailed of the usual proportions at the skirts and tails, it seemed cui after the fashion of those plenipo- tentiaries in Sacred Writ, who were shamefully entreated by the king of Amnion, and, in consequence, could not be admitted into the fashionable circles of the capital of Judea, but had to sojourn at Jericho for a time ; breeches of broad- striped corduroy, which, for any use that the wearer made of them, needed not to have had any lateral openiugs at the knees ; wiiinsLone grey rig-aud-fur stockings, fastened by red garters, that for breadth more resembled a saddle-girth than what is usually required for this purpose. The seasoner of food mixed a considerable portion of salt, of the attic sort, in his colloquial conversation, and no one excelled him in the nice application of Scottish proverbs ; indeed, one would have thought that he had not only read the whole of Ramsay's Collection, but had made them thoroughly his own by mental digestion. His style of conversation, of course, partook of his habits of thought — it was abbreviat- ed, antithetic, and alliterative — in fact, when he spoke it appeared as if he improvised in proverb. The Sauter had resisted all impression from the softer sex, and was consi- dered by them a confirmed and incorrigible bachelor. This, however, did not prevent them from bantering him on the liki.'lihood of his taking a help-meet for him. As our hero entered the threshold of the house he was to locate in for the night, he accosted the mistress in his own peculiar way, as, " Weel, gudewife, the nearer e'en the mae beggars. You're a' abune the blankets, I hope, meat hale, and workingsome ;" and the usual rejoinder by the mistress was a hearty welcome, " Come awa, Sauter, what's come ower ye, man? we thocht that surely some lass or ither had run awa wi' you, or you wi' her — tuts, man, and you're here alane after a' ! The lasses there, Lizzie 1 G-2 LAIRD OF LOGAN. and iJell, will tell you whether I'm leeing or no, whaa I say [hat it has been gauu through the hale kintra like a hand- bell, that ye were just about to be married to Kirsty ; I'm sure I dinna mind her name e'en now, but she stays in a place ca'd the Hackets. man, rather than see ye sae sair beat, I'll busk me, an' be your blackfit mysel." " Na, ua, luckie, an auld tod needs nae tutors ; lippen to lent ploughs, and your land will be lea ; but I would be mislear'd gif I didna say that I am obliged to you for the offer ; tak' my word out it will be sic anither day as the windy Satur- day that will blaw me to that quarter. Kirsty o' the Hackets ! — a haii'-braiued, hallica't hissey, as like to her fushionless father as gin she had been twisted out o' him wi' a thrawcrook." Another of the females would now in all likelihood strike in and dare Geordie to skirmish. " There's anither lass, it seems, Geordie, that ye would fain be sib to, but you're fear'd, the folks say, to speak to her," " Ay, an' wha may she be, if I hae ony right to ask ye?" " Nae ither atweel, than Betty llutherous o' Rugh Soles ; the neighbours thereabouts say that ye are casting a sheep's e"e at her frae 'neatli the rim o' that girdle-like bonnet o' yours." " Oh, ay, Gilpie, I hear that ye hinna tin'd ony o' your teeth sin I was here — gin ony body speir at you about that matter, just say ye diima ken; and ye may add, that the Sauter said, anent the marriage wi' Betty, that he was ne'er sae scant o' grey claith as to sole iiia hose wi' dockans." " Eh man, Geordie, but ye hae little need o' the Campsie wife's prayer, ' Tliat she micht aye be able to think aneuch o' hersel' !' " " They really say, though, Sauter, that you're fear'd to speak to Iier, and that eggs wadna be in danger frae your feet whan you're gaun by lier: you'll ken yoursel' whether your heart gaes pittie-pattie whan she's passing to the kirk wi' yon lleegaries about her noddle; I doubt your heart 'ill no keep, ye'll just hae to try a pickle o' your aln saut on't." " llae ye gotten out yuur breath now, ye birkie? There's mony a dog has died sin' Geordie was a whalp, au' its no an ordi- laiiuj of loqas. W>^^ nary frost that will fiii'litun iiiin Ovh \wy\ and I'm no able to speak to Betty Rugh Soles !— the piper surely wants muckle that wants the nether lip." " But, Sauter," would the mistress now break in, " joking aside what's come o' ye ? we hinua bad a lick o' saut this four days, and you aye sae particular." " Hero I'm now, at ony rate, and I wad rather hear ye crying saut than sair banes. I hae nae doubt been a thocht later than usual, an' a' my customers hae been worrying at me like as many jowlers in the neck o* poor tod lowrie; but I just gied them sic au answer as I hae gi'eii to you. I stapped their mouth afore their tongue wist what it was saying ; keep your tongue within your teeth, ve girning gilpies, better saut less than sillerless, and is't no better to hae a sairy sautiat, than a geyzened girnal?" Returning from his circuit, he one morning passed through the little village of Kilmahog, some two miles west of Cal- lander. He went into the house — inn it could not be called of Mrs. iVI'Alpino, wlio offered on her sign-board to give " entertainment for men and horses." " Gi'e me," said Geordie, " a bicker o' your best Sma'." One gulp, and tiie contents of the bicker disappeared. " I \vadna be far out o' my reckoning gin I had auither fill o' your cog ; its a wee weak i' the wauw, like Barr's cat, that ale o' yours." The second bicker disappeared as rapidly " Wecl, guidewife, it's a' ower now, as the wife said wht ' she swallowed her tongue; gin I had sent our Stirling Smn'as quickly down Craig's close as I hae done yours, it wad h^ e ta'en the bark wi't. Whar — you'll excuse me for speering. -get ye your maut hereawa, Luckic?" "A' the way frae Stirling, atweel, and braw maut it is." "Oh 'deed is't, gin there was enought o't. You'll maybe no gang sae far for your water ?" " No, no, we get our water, bonnie and clear, frae the tap o' Benledi there, coming rinnin' down at tlie back o' our ain bouse." " Aweel, my lady, gin ye were just as far frae the water as yo are frae the maut, your ale wad be a' that the better." )fi4 LAIRD OF LOGAN. A JACK KETCH IN THE NORTH. We are not sure whether a feeling does not still exist among the canaille against the class, but to such an in- veterate degree did it prevail about thirty years ago, that the persons of such underlings as sheriffs and town-officers were scarcely secure from open violence ; and foremost in the tender regards of " the many-head," was Hangie. It may be about twenty years since Bauldy, the Jack Ketch of Glasgow, was himself launched from the scaffold of time into the abyss beyond ; and during the period that he held office, he was the principal object against whom the concen- trated fury of the mob was directed on all festive occasions, such as a King's birth-day, Glasgow Fair, or any other oc- casional spurt that brought the elite of the Wyiids and Goosedubs together. The weavers in those days were gen- erally the ringleaders in every attack made on Bauldy, assisted by bands of dissolute Irish. The mansion-house of Bauldy was at one time a little beyond the openings of the Drygate and Rottenrow from the High-street, and adjoining the Aumos House, whose little belfry sounded the soliciting note of charity to the poor, from funerals, as they passed to the Cathedral churchyard ; latterly, his house was adjoining tiie Guard-house, in Montrose-street, so that when attacked ho could immediately have the assistance of the guard. Bauldy was sarcastic and humorous, and his witticisms generally turned on his own profession — (if there is oblocpiy attached to yours, gentle reader, adopt the same practice, it takes the weapon out of the hand of your adversary) — and these, when repeated, gave deadly offence to their mightinesses, the mob. When Scott and Adamson were condemned for a forgery on the Ship Bank, it was reported amongst the mud-and brickbat aristocracy, that Bauldy, exulting at the prospect of an inweaso in trade, had said, in tiie joy of his heart, " My pear-tree's flourishing I" which, of course, had an irri- tating effect upon their minds ; but iu none did it produce a r. Mnn of loc:a?». IHj more settled and determined resolution to inflict retributive vengoancc, tlian in Isaac M'Gregor, introduced already to our readers, who came to Glasgow once every week witli whisky from Cassel's distillery at Kepp, when he usually heard all the mob gazettes read and commented on ; allliough lie had frequently meditated an attack upon poor Bauldy, he never could find a fitting opportunity At hi-t one offered, and we shall give the story in his own words, which partook much of episode and parentheses: — "Ye see, my lads, as I was saying, I was in ae time on New'r-day — I am generally in before that time togie you Glasgow bodies something to wash the buns ower your wizzens ; and after getting my punclieons on, and my rack-pins weel kinchod, and a dram or twa aneath my breast-buttons — for ye see, .Mr. Young, our dork, decent man, aye gied me a guid hornfu' before he would let me awy' — aff I sets on my road hame, through Albion street to George-street, and ca's as I gaed bye on sergeant Tamson — we aye ca'd him sergeant, ye see, for he 'listed a man for Jock Morrison o' Wastertown, when he was drawn for the militia. Weel, the sergeant wouldna let me out ower the door-stane till I would tak' my time o (lay frae him too— it was maybe morning, but nae matter , so, ye see, by this time I could cock my bonnet, and daui the Dcil himself or ony o' his crew. — See that shackle-bano, lads ! just let ony body find the weight o' that, and they'll think that it was a horse's shank coming athort them ! — But I'm forgetting mysel. As I gaed up to my horse, and set him down on the road, or street, for you Glasgow folks are aye trapping a body— I thinks to mysel, now Bauldy, gin ye come across my road this morning, my man, I'll speak to you in the language o* Gaelic. ".Vhen I comes up to the mouth o' the Rottenrow, wha should present himsel but my g(>ntleman ! Weel, Bauldy ! quo" I to mysel, I'm blytho to .see you— the bodie was thrang pouring his potatoes on the outside of the pavement — he aye, ye see, took potatoes to his breakfivst— and I ties my whup about my shouthers, and comes up to him, whistling ' Jenny dang the Weaver.'— 166 LAIRD OF LOGAN. never letting on, ere the puir creature kent whaiir he was, I gied him sic a keb at the haunch buttons, that gart him flee heels ower head amang pot and potatoes, ye could- na hae seen the face o' him for the reek. How he cried out, ' My back's in twa! — catch him! — I'll take ye afore your betters, ye blackguard !' and set up abundance o' ill language. Quo' I, ' Bauldy, my man, ye may soon do that and no stress yoursel sair, but ye're afore yours the noo at ony rate.' Wasna that richt, lads ? See gin ony o' you, for as glib i' the gab as ye are, could say the like o't ? ' Mony a girsle, Bauldy,' quo' I, 'hae ye twisted, maybe a wee farrer up the riggin' ; keep a quiet sough, it will be nae waur to heal than they were.' ' I'll do for you,' quo' the body, rising up amang his potatoes, an' a' ower wi' the skins o' them. ' You do for me ! just come awa' out by to Lodge, my-Louns, whaur I gied half-a-dizzen o' your friends the weavers, their ditty ; they were as big as you, Bauldy, wi' their quiles [bundles] o' yarn on their backs, and their hocks [reeds] trantling ower their shouthors. I gied them the weight o' that shackle-bane (and its verra raeikle at your service too) on ilka chaft-blade o' them; and to settle accounts, I threw every man and mother's son o' them ower a sunk fence, aught feet deep, and left them to gather their redding kames [fragments of the reeds] at their leisure. Come awa' out, Bauldy, just come your wa's out that length, my lad, and I'll trim your jacket for ye, I'll skail the brains o' you neist.' " Our city executioner was on one occasion required to attend at Paisley, to discharge from his earthly prison-house, a person who had been condemned. The ap. paratus then in use, was of very simple construction, con- sisting of a small platform, from which ascended a ladder to the pole or beam to which tho fatal noose was attached. After tho victim had been cut down, liauldy mounted the beam, and liuis addressed the heroes of the shuttle : " Now, ye kirk-yard deserters ! — bleached blackguards ! — whose legs are nae thicker than your ain pirns, ye see how neatly I can do a job ; there's no ane o' your wiz/.encd nocks, that r.AinT) OF r.oG.vN. 107 I'll no gic a gravit to drug cheap ! I hao a great respect for you a', and there's no ane in Paisley, that's able to put a foot in a treddle, but I'll accommodate at f(jurpencc the head, and gie the raip and nightcap to the bargain ; and when I'm on my pin here, at ony rate, I'll gie the same bene- fit to a' you Irishers ! I wad like just to hac a sax months hairst amang your necks, to rid tlie yirth o' blackguards, and keep my gallows gaun. A' you lads out there, ayon the baignets, that need the sodgers to keep ye richt, and wiiase necks are beginning to itch for the halter, gang ower to Ireland, bed and bedding, you'll bo guid folks there, they'll make ye Justices o' the Peace, for you'll be amang breakers o't." A SCOTTISH WAGER. " .Mae ways o' killing a dog than by hanging him ;" the moral of this proverb is admirably exemplified in the fol- lowing anecdote. A wary braid-bonnet, anxious that his son should be preferred to a certain living in the Kirk, know- ing that the patron was needy, and, as he said to a confi- dant, " Wad rather put a bawbee into his pouch than throw't ower his shouther" — donned his best attire, and with " auld beard newly shaven," hied him to the mansion of his friend, the patron, to take soundings of the course he should pursue. John was ushered into the parlour; " Come awa, John," said the dispenser of favour, " I'm glad to see you ; sit down and tell me how all the good folks are at home." ' We're a' meat-hale and working-some, sir; thank your Honour for speiring. Isna this wonderfu' weather, sir ? we farmer bodies, they say, arc aye com- pleening, and maybe there's some truth in't, but really he would hae a stout heart, that could say he ever saw better weather at this time o' the year ; our potatoes are taking sae weel wi't, that ye would think ye heard them bidding ane anithcr lie 'yout in the drill. But, dear me, I canua tell ye how vexed I am to hear that wo hac lost our minis- lOS J.AIUD OV LOGAN. ter. Poor man ! he has been very feckless for a lang time — he was a deep, deep man in divinity ; there was nane o' us about the Poobrae, except Scud'imowre the dominie, that could understand hini. Scud'imowre was wont to say, ' That he never kent ony twa whose heads baith inside and out, were sae like to ane anither, as our Willie's and his that's dead and awa.' " " Yes, John, lie was a learned man ; and what was more than that, his profession and his practice were not opposed to each other." " Atweel ye may say sae, sir," said John, " an' he would need braid shouthers indeed, that took on himself to perform the same duties." " No doubt, John, thei'e's a great responsibility in the ap- pointment of his successor, and we must just try, as our friend Scud'imowre says, to get one who resembles as much as possible our late pastor." John saw that he had driven the nail in its proper length, and that it only wanted ' rooving," as he said. " Aweel, I'll wager ony man a hunner guineas, that our Will 'ill no get it." "Done!" said the needy patron. A SCOTCH BANKRUPT. William Sibbald was employed as porter to a dealer in provisions in Paisley, and had served his master with in- dustry and integrity for upwards of ten years. From his extremely obliging manners and serviceable habits, he had become a great favourite with his employer, who always spoke of him with more than ordinary respect. "Ye wad think," said he, "that Willie, if it were to oblige ony o' my weel-paying customers, would draw himsel, like an eei, through a .wummel-bore. The wife and weans ca' him Sib Willie, though there's no a bane in his bulk, or a drap o' bhiid in his body, come down to him frao kith or kin o' ony o' us : he's Sib, however, to the good o' the shop, and that's the best spoke in our wheel." Willie took it into his head (rather a long one, the knowing developments being strongly marked) that he I. VIIU> <>1 I.OGAN. 100 »>ioul(l try Ilia e-a|):il)ilitiu.s fur business on his own account ; and he thus debated with himself the propriety of the step he was about to take — " Gin ye hae saired a maister sae wcel, Wiilio, wliat should hinder yc frao tryin' to sair your- sel , and surely when ye iuiedoiie weel for ithcrs, yc'll do nae waur for yoursel — ye'll just try your han' in a bit shop — ye iiinna muckle to lose at ony rate — so, if ye hae to lay down the barrow, ye canna say it was on account o' the weight o' the lade; be it sae then, Willie, you'll no need to sair a 'prenticeship to learn to lift it up again.'' The ambitious burden-bearer forthwith rented a small shop, expecting, in the Paisley fashion, "to get on by de- grees gradually, and to succeed ultimately in the end." Some of his master's customers would no doubt, he thought, follow him ; and by his civility to those who lived in his neighbourhood, he should make a business ; but in this, however, he was mistaken : jirobably from the mean ap- pearance of his premises, the quality of his goods might be doubted. AVant of success in his first attempt, however, did not discourage Sibbald, and he removed to a better Irequented part of the town, and launched out into an extensive busi- ness, rather however with those from whom he purchased, than those to whom he made sales. Goods were sold occa- sionally very cheap, so as to make large sales, and, as the Seestu's have it, make his profits arise from the great amount of his business, though a specific loss on items — at other times the wily trader took left-handed advantages. Kvery thing now appeared to be flourishing w itii iiim — two .assistants were required in the shop, and the provision- merchant seemed to be carrying everything before him in the way of business, and making, as the neighbours affirmed. " Siller like sclate-stanes." To the astonishment, however, of everybody, the appar- ently [)rosperous provision-merchant called his friends to- gether, as a meeting of creditors in Paisley is denominated ; and a very full gathering of those interested, attended to 170 LAraD OF LOGAN. hoar and see how the bankrupt would account for the defal- cation in his affairs. " Gentlemen," said Willie, " I ne'er thocht to see sic a day as this ; I'm sure nane o' ye will doubt me when I say, that it's as black a day to me as the mirk INIonday was to the yirth we live on. I dinna ken what to say to ye,— a' my guids hae gane through my fin- gers ; I canna tell hilt nor hair how it has happened ; I havena ony books to show you ; I never learnt to keep books ; there was nae scribe craft i' my father's house, and my maister took nae pains to make up the defect, but keepit me trudging atween the barrow-trams or carrying lades to his customers ; mony a time I really thocht my back wad hae gien way ; I believe though it had been as supple as a saugh-waund, a' wadna hae pleased him, sae I just put up wi't a', for as lang as a body sairs the tod, he maun carry his tail ; I said to you mysel when I began, " Willie, ye canna write, but your memory lets naething through't, and ye'll get the siller aye when ye sell ; or gin ye hae to gie ony thing awa on trust, dinna gie yoursel time to forget, and just let them that ye buy frae do the same to you." " Well, is that all the satisfaction we are to have for the money that you owe us?" queried one rather seriously involved ; " what do you think your estate will pay ?" " Estate ! did ye say, estate? losh ! I wish I had ane, and ye wadna hae seen me here this day." " What can you pay us, in other words ?" " Pay yc ! I wad fain pay ye a', gin I had time." " Oh ! its only time you want." " Deed is't, for I hae had a great run ayo Ein' I came to my new shop, and gin it wad continue, .and me keep my feet, I wad pay ye a' plack and farthing.' Another creditor now took speech in hand. " You mean to pay us in full, do you ? but you have the wherewithal yet to iicquirc I How much short of the whole sum do ye suppose yourself just now?" " Na, yo hae fairly the advantage of o' me there ; I couldna tak' on mo to say ; it's a great misery to me that 1 iiinua books to lot yo look ower, to sea my losses ; but what giiid, when 1 think on't, would the LAITID or I.OGAW. 171 siclit o' losses do to you, it wouklna put a phu'k in your pouch — aiblius evt-ry twa or three pages ye wad see, tliis ane or that ane, cowpet the crans, and deep in my debt.' A third creditor, wlio himself had faced liis friends in pri- vate, but wiio now held a high head, interrogated Willie, " A pretty affair this, indeed ! you can neither say whether you have consumed your property in eating or drinking ; but you may, as it is likely, iiave reserved it for after use. You have had such a business, that if you had managed it with ordinary prudence, you might have been worth a thousand pounds — I know this, that if I had had such an opportunity, I should have done it." Willie knew the private bankruptcy of his interrogator, and threw in a hit that fairly locked his jaw. " Oh dear me 1 is that Tammas Snaikie that's just done wi' speaking? You're very like a rinner, Tam, as the Deil said to the lobster ; your ain pouches were poorly enough plenished no mony years back, and auld Hornie himsel miclit hae made his cloots clatter a gey while in the bottom o' your pouches, before he wad hae skinned his kutes on bawbee or bodle tliat was there ; ye anco stood forcnent your friends as I'm doing this day, and thae pirn-stick looking pins that support your bulk, were twittering under you like winnle- Btraes ne'er Taramie forget the cheswell that you were staned in, my man, — it wad hae been a' the better for you this dav, if the cheesestane had gotten anither screw douu, when they were at it, to hae taen mair o' the green whey out o' ye." 'I'he creditors, tired with these unprofitable rencountres, and seeing themselves in bad hands, resolved to take the bull by the horns, and either master him, or put up with an entire loss. " We have no farther time to waste," said one, "what offer do you mean to insult us with?" " Oh, gentlemen ! heard ever ony body the like o' that ? insult you I is't no me that's to be pitied ? mucklo weel paid siller has the maist o' ye gotten frae me, and now losing my a', and haeing to pay ye too, is a hardship that flesh and blood canna fend wi' ; gin I had been meaning to spulzie ye a', or defraud you o' a farthing that ye are enti. 172 I.AIRD OF LOGAN. tied to, and that I could pay, I micht hae taea a moou-licht flitting, bag and baggage — packed vip my awls, and gien ye the win' o' my heels foi' payment. Just as wecl to eat the Deil at ancc, as to sup the kail that he was boiled in ; ye speak about offer, micht it no suit me as weel to speir what ye wad tak', or what's the common thing that's gaun the noo, amang folks that hae slippit a fit atween the trams o' their business, like mysel ?" Three or four called out in the same breath, " Twenty shillings for each pound, or you go up to the stone-crib at the cross, and try if ' the win' o' your heels will air an apartment eight feet by six." " Saf us a', T would tak' ye to be but young cocks by your roupy craw, lads, or ye ne'er wad throw awa guid siller maintaining a man for nae ither purpose, than to keep sun and win' frae him ; sin' it has come to this o't, gentlemen, I'll try to hole out for ye, amang ray friends, as muckle as mil mak fifteen shillings in the pound ; and, ray certio ! gin ve takna that, you'll crack your credit for sense, mair than I hae done mine for want o' siller." A legal gentleman just entered, who held a mandate from l]\e highest creditor on the estate, and threatened the bank- rupt with half the ills in the statute-book. Willie deter- mined, however, to show fight, although his nerves were not so firmly strung as before the legal mandatory addressed him. •' Hech, Balheggie," said he, " but you're bauld ; sic a blast o' ill breath as ye hae blawn ! you hae raistaen your trade; your father should hae made you a piper, it would suited you far better, raan ; there's far mair hair than harns aboon the shouthers o' you, gin ye kentna that before, 1 liae tell'd it to you now ; bravely do I ken ye, Balheggie, you're aye pouking at some ane; an' ye ne'er took raair frae ony poor body than a' they had ; noo, man, sin' ye hae set my birse up, I'll stop your clock, and ke(!p ye frae takin' the honest folks' siller out their pouch — I'll gic ye a' twenty shil- lings for every pund-noto that I'm awn ; and it's just as sure's death, whether ye believe mo or no, that for every pund-note that I i)ay you, there's fi vo shillings o't out o' my ain pouch !" LAIRD OF I.OCAN. I 7'3 A SELF-TAUGHT MASON. Peter M'Coukle was a kind of half-bred masou, or "cowan," as the country folks call them, who had never served a rcjjular apiireiitlcesliii), and did not pretend to execute any ornamental piece of masonry ; what he knew, he said he had " picked up at his ain iiand, as the cow learned the dinging." He was chiefly employed at building moor- land fences, which are so constructed as to have a key-stone almost at every yard, dependent upon each other : if one of these be pushed with any degree of force, down goes, pos- sibly, a whole rocdof the simple masonry, like a running fire from a regiment of raw recruits. I'eter was considered a tirst-rate hand at cradling of wells also, and was employed in preference to any other, from his experience and skill. " There's no a well ('boasted Peter in his caps) in the hale kintra-sidc that I hae cradled — be it a hunuer feet deep — eer been kent to break down or lot in surface water." Ou one occasion of a " foy," at sinking of a well, he had got rather " too much on board," and in crossing one of the locks of the canal, on his way home, he lost his balance and fell over. Some of his com- panions not so far gone, who had followed Peter at a little distance, to see whether l)e should get along the footing- plank in safety, when tiicy saw him fall in, roared out, "He's faun in! help! bring lights! hillo, help 1" When lights were got, there was the cowan clinging like a moun- tain cat by a projecting piece of plank. " What are yo niakin' sic a hilleballou about?" said Peter; "hae 1 no been at the bottom o mouy a well a hunner feet deep, and do ye think 1 could be drowned in a puddle like that?" The cowan on another occasion of " rocking the cradle" (as he called building in the sides of the well), when excavating the bed of a well, found a piece of rock opposing his i)ro- gress, to remove which, ho required the assistance of gun- powder. All the arrangements for the explosion had been made, and the match ajtpliid v<.hon some unforeseen ob- 174 LAIRD OF LOGAN. struction prevented the ignition. Peter sprung forward, and descended the ladder, for the purpose of putting all to right. He had not, however, got down above half-a-dozen steps, when the train took effect, and a tremendous blast followed, scattering the rock in fragments, and enveloping the mouth of the pit in dust and smoke. No one had the courage to step forward to see what had been the fate of poor Peter ; every one of the beholders was paralysed for a time ; but the smoke clearing away, the blue bonnet was seen again bobbing above the mouth of the shaft. " Pre- serve us !" cried three or four at the same moment, " are ye no killed?" " Did ye," queried again the cowan, " eversee a kill't man that could climb a ladder ?" " Were ye far doun, Peter?" "Ye maybe sure that I was gayan far, when I heard the Deil hoastin'." A BLACK SHEEP. John M'Farlane was a journeyman cork-cutter, in tbo employment of Thomas Jackson, in one of the wynds lead' ing from the Trongate of Glasgow, and though an excellent workman, was unsteady in his habits, and excelled as much in drawing corks, as in cutting them. It need not be mat- ter of surprise, therefore, that, from his irregular habits, he never rose to the dignity of being a Cork in his own right. John was a married man, but fortunately without any family; and his partner in life, Janet M'Grouther, a careful and industrious woman, had by her earnings in a great inoasuro supported both herself and her husband. Janet tried all means to reclaim her spouse from his drunken as sociates, but without eflect. Naturally of an easy temper, nothing could disturb his self-complacency ; and the e.xpos- tulations of friends, wore uniformly mot by the recital of some ludicrous story, which had the desired eflect of turning their well -merited admonitions into ridicule. He was ever fer- tile in excuses for indulging his favourite propensity. "The Cork-Cutters' Club had a heap o" business to do this night, I.VIKD or I.OUAN. 175 and it couliliia lio sooner yotti-ii ower." This was a stereo- type apology witii John ; for, although the Club held its regular meetings only twice a-wcek, John being " niair obliging than the maist 0' the members, a the business fell to his share," and this generally took up every night iu the week ; so that, except on the sabbath, his wife enjoyed but little of his society. This almost complete abandonment had long been the cause of sorrow and anguish to poor Janet, aiul tears, all-subduing tears, bad so often testified her grief, that if they had not come from that fount of sympa- thy which generates the supply in proportion to the demand, they must long have ceased to flow. John was not altoge- ther so besotted as to be insensible to the change in his poor wife's health, which every day seemed to render more ap- parent ; nor could he mistake the cause. He therefore ministered no small consolation to her, by voluntarily pro- mising to " behave better for the future." John's reforma- tion, however, was but of short duration ; for, bit by bit, he soon relapsed into his former habit. One night, Janet kei)t the wee black tea-pot sottcring by the side of the fire, and paced the floor of her lonely apartment with painful anxiety — no living to share her woes — no sound to break the niiil- night silence, save the melancholy click of an old wooden clock, which might have made the lonely woman imagine that she held her finger on the wrist of old Time, and felt the i)ulsations which denoted his rapid progress towards the limits "No longer;" and as each large division in the circle of his steps had been passed over, the rusty machinery gave an alarm, as if shuddering at its own progress, and gave (lie knell, delivering over another passage of Time " To the years beyond the flood." One struck — " No, John." — Two followed, and still the death-like silence prevailed within the humble dwelling. Oh, ye riotous drunkards, whoso throats are as if they were |)arched by blasts from hell ; how many hearts are withering tode.ith under your coldnegU-ct; how many tender shoots, in- liMiiiieed l>v Mill :;ilo thisbhak world — arc tliua left to .^ckeu 176 LAIRD OF LOGAN. and die ! " No a word o' him yet ; my puir Joliii, I wisli some ill mayua hae come ower bim," said poor Janet, when she heard an uncertain kind of shuffling step on the stair, which she well knew to be John's, and then bis voice solilo- quising, " That's no our stair — no the ane that I gang up to my nest on — I think it's coming down to meet me — and it's gaun round about too — there's no twa stanes in't like ane auither — some o' them wad baud twa feet, and ithers a spar- I'ow couldnaget fittin' on. Weel, gin I were at the bead o't, and on the inside o' my ain door, I'll raise a skellihewit wi' Janet, it will I — because gin I dinua do't wi' her she 11 do't wi' me — an' a man should aye be master in his ain house, riebt or wrang ; it's a' the same whether the parritch is ready or no — on the fire or aft — cauld or hot, I maun be hot; — if she's pouterin' at the fire, and keeping it in for me, I'll tell her she had nae business staying up — she miclit hae been aneath the blankets, for she would pouter a while, afore the fire could len' ony light for me to come hame wi' ; — and if she be in her bed, I'll make her lugs stoun wi' hel carelessness about her half marrow — that he might hae been robbed or murdered for ony care she had o" him, but lying there snoring like a dog in a tod's hole. — But there she is — I hear licr, — can I really be angry wi' her ? — Yes ; I maun be angry at something." — (Knocks.) " Wha's that?" "Open the door and ye'll see — it's ill to ken folk through a twa-inch plank." " I would like to ken wha it is, before 1 open my door to ony body." " Weel, Janet, you're perfectly richt — there's naething like being cautious." " Is't you, John, after a' ? siccan a niglit as I hae spent, thinking a' tlie ills on the earth had happened to you ; whaur liae ye been, Joliii ?" " Oh, Janet, dinna be in sic a hurry." " In a hurry, John, near three o'clock in the morning !'' " Janet, it's the first time since you and I cam thegither, tiiat 1 hae seen you wasting ony tiling !" " Me wasting, John ! — the only thing I'm wasting is mysel." " Na, Janet, that's no what I mean; wliat's the use o' burning twa crusies to lot ao body see — an" ye micht h;u? liclited half a r.Aiun OF i.oGAN. 177 dizeu ail they a' couldua let ino see to come hamo ?" " John, Julin, you're seeing wi' ma« een than your Maker gied ye tliis night — your cen are just gan thegither." " I'm no a hair fley'd for tliat, my doo, Janet, as lang as my nose is atween them." " Ou ay, John, but ye hav'na tell't nio whaur yo Iiae been till this time in the morning?" " Did ye over hear sic a high wind as is blawin' frae the Hit this night? the cluds will be blawn a' to rags — there'll no be a hale corner left in them to baud a shower afore the mornin' — no a gas-lamp blinkin' in the Trongatc ; gin ye get up wi' the ducks in the murnin', Janiifc, ye'U see the Green scattered ower wi' the kye's horns, for they couldna keep their roots in siccan a win' — an' ye'll get them for the gatherin'." " Ay, John, it's a high wind, but for anything that 1 hear, it's blawin' nao higher than your ain head; whaur was ye?" " Dear me, did I no tell ye, Janet? I'll hae forgotten, then ; I might hae tell't ye — I'm sure I was nae ill gate — that's a lang an' no verra tenty stair o' ours to come up ; I maist missed my fit this night coming up it mair than ance — we'll hae to flit next term I doubt ; ye maun gang and look after anither ane the morn, an' I'll gang wi' ye — twa heads are better than ane, quo' the wil'e, gaun wi' her dog to the market." " Come, come, John, nane o' your palavers, ye needna think to draw the blade ower an auld body's e'e : the stair, John, atwcel's nanc o' the best, but the stair that would suit you best this night, is ane wi' nae steps in't ; — but whaur was ye ? and wha was ye wi'?" " Janet, yc hae little pity for me ; if 1 shuuiii crack ane o' my pins (limbs) ye maybe think because I'm a shaver o' corks, that I can easily mak' a now ane — but, Janet, fu' o' curiosity too! woman, it's a dangerous thing to be ower inquisitive — ye mind what the mither o' us a' got by't; besides, ' Gied,' as honest Habbio Burns says, 'the infant world a shug, maist ruined a' ' — oh, but it is a pithy word that shug ! tiiere's no a part o' speech in the Knglish tongue like it." " Whaur was yo, John, whaur? I doubt yo hae been in ill company, this night — ye never put me aff N 178 LAIRD OF LOGAN. this way before ; will ye no tell me, John ? ' " Weel, weel, Janet, dinna be sae toutit about it — I was awa' at a burial." " At a burial, John ! — what burial could there be at this hour ? It could be nae decent body, I'm sure, that had to be huddled awa' at sic an untimeous time o' nicht." " Deed, Janet, you're richt there; she was a very troublesome kind o' body, and raised muckle discord amang families ; wo were a' saying, she's weel awa' if she bide." " But wha is she?" "Just our auld frien' Annie, and she never cam about the house but ill weather was sure to follow ; now I think ye may guess." " Ay, puir body! — has she win' awa' at length, puir creature. Annie ! Annie ! — oh ay, but whan I mind — there's mae Annies than ane — was it Annie Spittle ?" " Oh no, it wasna her, poor body !" " Was it Annie Dinwiddle ?" " No ; that woman's din is enough to drive ony man to the wuddie." " Weel, John, I ken nae mae o' the name ; but I see you're just trying, as usual, to mak' game o' me. Waes me ! it's a hard thing to bekeepit sae lang out o' my bed to be made a fou man's fool." " Whisht, Janet, my doo, and I'll tell ye what keepit baith you and me sae lang out o' our beds. There's an Annie you've forgot, though we baith ken her owcr well ; and she's been gaun about this while, raising mischief in our cork- shop, till the men determined they would put an end tillt : so, they a' agreed last nicht to bury her." " To bury her! dear me, to bury wha?" "Just to bury Ani-mosity, and we couldua do less than hae a wee di*ap at her dredgy !'' A GLASGOW CIVIC. « (From a Manuscript Histoiy of the Burgh.) Tnis guiitleinan was better known to his contemporaries by the cognomen of IJailie Hunkers, a nickname for which he was indebted to his obsequious and time-serving disposi- tion. The circumstances connected with its first appiica- iioii to hini, have been ihus rdat'-'d : — The City of Glasgow, LAIRT) OF I.()f;AN. 179 or more properly spcakinj^, tlio members of tlie Town Council, had authorised the Provost,* who was going to liOndon on some important business, partly his own, and partly connected with the affairs of the town, to purchase a portrait of his Majesty Charles II., and also that of his predecessor Charles I., to be hung up in the Town Hall. It so hap[)L'ned that the pictures arrived during the ab- sence of the Provost, and the duty of seeing tiicm properly placed, devolved on Bailie , as senior magistrate, who accordingly ordered them to be put up in the Town Hall. Durintr the time the Master of Works and his men were employed in the operation. Bailie , accompanied by Lord Hilton, Mr. Gilbert Burnet, afterwards Bishop of Salisbury, and several of the Professors, came in to pay their respects to the shadows of sovereignty ; and on seeing the Master of Works and his assistants working in the pre- sence of these dignitaries, with their heads covered, and in the same irrevei'ent manner as if they had been putting up the pictures of men of common mould, the wrath of our Bailie burst forth in fiery indignation against the offenders, and ordering in the town-officers, he commanded the workmen and (heir employers to got down on their knees or hunkers, himself setting the example, and repeat after him a submis- sive acknowledgment of their offence, and their sincere con- trition for the same. The companions of the Bailie, not to be behind-hand with him in loyalty, in those dangerous times, also made a similar obeisance, though secretly contemning in their hearts the time-serving sycophant who had set them the example. Such general displeasure did his conduct on this occasion excite, that, ever after, the nickname of Bailie Hunkers became affixed to him, in such a manner as in a great measure to supersede that of his own. • From tlio following entry in the Records of tlio Riirgh, it woiiM sooni, that our manuscript is in error rcspoctinu the person cngiKol in this mission : — " The snmcn day it is appoynted yt yo I'rovost wrytt to London to ye Hcan of Gild to buy for ye toiui's uso ye portr.iytorsof Kyng Charles ye Fyrst and Scound. 180 LAIBD OF LOO AN. THE BAILIE AND THE REAR. One da}% while the Bailie ia his official costume, was picking his steps through one of the dirtiest parts of the town, known by the name of the Old Vennal, his pro- gress, when near the head of it, was interrupted by a crowd collected to witness the clumsv jrambols of a bear belong:- ing to an Italian vagrant, well known in most of the borough towns of Scotland, by the name of Anty Dolly — his real name, Antonio Dallori, being too long for the every-day use of our countrymen. Anty had completely blocked up the way, and though the spectators, on seeing the Bailie, ran in different directions to make way for him, yet as Bruin and his master did not show the same readiness. Bailie Hunkers, who was on his road to a civic feast, became impatient, and drawing his sword, thrust it with considerable violence into the rump of the bear, who, maddened by the pain, made a sudden jerk, snapped the rope with which she was held, and catching the Bailie in her rude embrace, continued to dance round her accustomed circle, growling in her usual manner, while the terror and seeming danger of the Bailie excited the greatest consternation among the bystanders. The complete control, however, which Anty Dolly possessed over his travelling companion, was such, that though he could not make her quit hold of the unfortunate magistrate, yet cfTectually prevented her from doing him any serious injury. The people, seeing the bear did not mean to devour theii- Bailie, again collected round, and someof the more thought- less of the youths actually ventured to laugh at the strange faces and grotesque attitudes which the dignitary was for- ced at times to assume. While Bailie Hunkers was thus engaged in the dance with a partner so little to his mind, an officious baker came running forward, and much against tint entreaties of the Italian, who knew the temper of the animal, began to probe it with one of his barrel staves; this had the eflect of making the bear run backwards, when it unfortu- nately lost footing on tlie brink of oiko of those sinks of pol- LAIRD OF LOGAN. Iftl liiticpii wiili wliicli tliu Vuiinal, above mentioned, at that time aboundoil, and i)oth bear and Bailie were plunj^ed in the midst of the filth. All was now alarm. The timid ran from tlie .scene, afraid of beinfj implicated in the murdor of the Bailie ; while the Italian, who had hitherto been of some use in restrainiiij^; the ferocity of the boar, afraid of the consequences that mi^ht ensue from such treatment of one of the constituted authorities, betook himself to flight. The bakers, who were always active when any dangerous service was reijuired, hastily collected with their peels and barrel- .stavcs, which they drove in between the legs and sides of the bear, and then pressing them outwards, by these means so far loosened the hold of Bruin, whose savage nature was by no means roused to that degree which might have been expectetl, that the Bailie, watching the favourable moment, jumped up and scrambled out of the puddle, in safety no doubt, but black and dripping all over, as if new- ly out of a dyer's vat. That a circumstance of this kind, occurring to a magistrate of Glasgow, would be passed over without investigation, was not to be thought of. Anty , Dolly, by flying, was considered as having taken guilt to himself of no ordiiiary degree ; a reward was therefore of- fered for his aiiprehension ; a coumil w as afterwards sum- moned to decide on the degree of punishment due to the audacity of the bear, which was secured and brought in front of the Tolbooth, strictly guarded by the townoflicers and a party of the Blues, who chanced to be passing throu-h Glasgow on tiieir way to Lanark for the purpose of being disbanded.* After due deliberation, the poor bear, though innocent of shedding a single drop of civic blood, was con- demned to be shot, and its skin hung up in the Town Hall, as a warning to all bears not to interfere with bailies, particu- larly when going to dine and drink claret for the " town's gude." The above sentence was put in execution the same day, when a large cavalcade accompanied the four-footed * Accui'iliiiK to some accoiiiils, llii> lUucs wt-ro HOt disbnnded till a coiibiiicrablo liiiK; :iftfr tlio poiiod of \Gi>i. 182 LAIRD OF LOGAN. culprit to the Butts, where, after receiving a great many shots, she expired, grumbling no doubt, as bears are in the habit of doing, at the hardness of her fate. A few nights after this singular execution, Antonio Dal- lori himself was talvcn on the hills above Rutherglen, where he had been concealed since the day of his flight, and brought to Glasgow, in order to his. being put to an assize. That he would have experienced a greater degree of lenity than his companion was what he did not expect ; and lucky it was for him that, in the course of his precognition, it came out, that the day before his exliibition at the head of the Old Vennal, he had arrived from Linlithgow, where he had been showing off his bear for the amusement of those who had been celebrating the 29th of May,* and burninsj the Solemn League and Covenant. Tiiis circum- stance showed that the Italian was at least on the safe side of politics ; and the Council considered that in such ticklish times they might be suspected, if they punished with too much severity, one who had been active in amusing the loyjil subjects of his Majesty on such an occasion. Antonio was therefore sentenced to do an hour's penance in the Jougs, with the skin of the bear about his shoulders. This seemed the hardest part of the matter, for the poor fellow, when he saw the rough coat of his dumb confederate, burst into tears, and continued sobbing during the whole of iiis pun- ishment, in sucrii a manner as excited the compassion of all, so that not a missile of any description was attempted to be thrown at him. He was afterwards dismissed, with an in- junction to betake liimself to some employment attended witli less danger to his neigiibours. .1. I). Carrick. SANUV MUNCHAUSKN. I.v the thinly populated districts of Scotland, th« " Smid'.ly," alter the hours of out-door labour arc over, is the * The anniversary of tho Restorntiun of (.'harlos II. i-Aini) OF i.nn.vN. lfi.1 trysting place for tlie " tillurs of tlie yrouud," and litro amidst noise and smoke, and by the muiky gleam of tlie furnace, the sons of the soil discuss all public matters, whether national or local. There is always a Robin-Raw, a Swaggering IJobadil, or a Sawney Munchausen in every neighbourhood, who is made to tumble for the amusement of the company, and there is scarcely ever any lack of per- sons qualified to pull the wires and exlubit the Punch of the party. At the smithy of John Edmund, Arnpnor, a group, such as we have been describing, assembled occasionally : Tamas lianglees was the Munchausen of the district, and Davie Cardenn, the exhibitor. Tamas was somewhat difficult to put in motion ; but after having got a sufficient impetus, on he wont like a stone down the slope — not stopping until far beyond the levei. " Dear me, Tamas, but you arc woiiderfu douce this niclit! did you rise atf your wraiig side this inorning ?'' " Just let me alane the nicht, Davie — I'm no mysel ava — ony ither time." " Tuts man, come awa ; we'll no let ye sit down i' the britchiu that way. You recollect, Tamas, when you gaed to court Lizzie Luckylip, your wife, what a braw lad you were ?" " I was that, Cardenn, though I say't mysel, there wasna auither in the hale parish that cauld baud the can'le to me — sax feet three, an' a weel pro- portioned swaukiein every other respect — limbs ! the better o' them never came out o' Nature's turning-loom. That morning that I gaed to gree matters wi" Lizzie, I had just come hamo from the Limekilns, and atf I set, after redding mysel up, nae doubt, ower the craft by Poo-burn, baretitted, the leas were shoe-deep in water, and the sun was glintin sae laughing-like after the thunder-shower. I skelpit ower the rigs — every sparge that gaed iVae my fit was like a barn wab — ou ay, but thae days are awa — Lizzie's drad and gane, and some that she brought to me beside — my heart aye grows grit when I think on them." " Nae wonder. Tamas ; mony a liai)py day ynu had wi' her and them." 184 LAIRD OF LOGAN. " Your auld neighbour, Burnbrae, has slipped awa the ither day, to his lang hame ; ye mind sic horse as ye yoked to the swingletrees, at Burnbrae ?" " An' that I do, Car- denn, man, Avhen ye mind me o't ; thae were the horse, just as daft as young couts tliat never had got their manes dockit, weel fud and as sleekit i' the skin as otters. When I used to gang into the trevis to gie them their corn, I whiles came out again without the neck o' my jacket — just through stark daffing. Sic a stramash when they ran awa \vi' me and the pleuch at the bourtrees yonder ! I held on — you'll no believe me, David, when I tell ye, that the common gauge o' the fur was my pouch-lids — I lost grip and at last sight o' the crap o' the stilts ; the stanes were comJn' thundering back past my lugs like showers o' bullets ; and doon I tum'led an' the fur aboon me : the last thing I saw was the points o' the horse's lugs. John Whirrie was pass- ing at the time and helped me out, or bui'ied alive was I, as sure as my name is Tamas Langlees — John tolt me after- ward that his verra een gaed blin' in his head." " But that's naething to the time when they took fricht and ran aff frae you when you were ploughing on Drumduan hill !" " Ye may weel say"t, Cardenu ; that was a strusscl ; never mortal, I believe, ever saw or heard tell o' sic anither rinawa ; a bird flew out o* the hedge beside me, and cro I could say wo. Jollio, crack gaed the thaits, and the swingle- trees flew ower tlie cralt iu splinters, tlie stilts were quiver- ing amang my fingers like fiddle-strings — ower the hill the horse flew like lichtning — they gied us siccan a tug when they brak aff, that brought the pleuch and me througli the liiil the nearest— wo made up to them at the licad-rig wliaur the hedo-fi keppit them. " "Theio wasua ither twa on the braes o' the water o' Forth that could di.-ort themselves sooming like us; Tam, do ye mind o' youi' dive to tlie bottom o' Kiilorn-linn yon simmer nlclit ? " " Man, I had maist forgotten that — I had been cutting hay a' that day at the Landylands, an' it' wcel min't — .Muckl» Rab o' Ptuhllcliolcs was wi' roe too.— i LAIIin OF I.OOAN. 185 tlioclit 1 niiylit be nane tlic war o haeing uiyscl washed, and down I gaed to Killorn-linn, aud, thinks 1, if yc hae a bottom, as the folk say ye hinna, I shall see you this nicht — I jjlungcs in, and down and down I sinks till at last I lichts at the bottom, and in atweon the clefts o' a moss-stock anu o' my feet gets wadged— down I set the tither foot to gie me mair power, and down it gaes i' the mud ! Waur and waur, says I, Tamas, you were ance buried alive, and now I tliink you're to be drowned alive (the time of total immersion sup- posed to be twenty minutes). Oh ! quo' I to mysel, I wish 1 had tacn abladdtT-fu' o' breath down wi' me I wad hae dctied your stocks and your clay — I sat down a wee to rest me, and tried again to free my feet — no ! heeh ! you may be sure my heart was playing pattie ; when out o' his den springs the king o' the otters — a great big fleckit brute, the size o' a twa year'l stirk — the boast had mistaen my logs for twa salmon, but the stock was atween me and him, and saved my limbs. The force o' the beast against the stock turned me heels ower head, aud set me fairly on my feet again ; and before you could say Jock Morrison ! I was aboon the water. Poor Puddlehole had run awa to gather tlio neighbours to rake the linn for me." " It's an uncanny place that Clash-brac for bogles. If ever I saw * Little Guid himsel ' iu my life, it was there ae nicht." " 'Deed, Cardenn,^ my verra eon water whan I think o' what I forgathered wi' on the road mysel, as I was coming ower by the Clash-braes ae winter nicht. I had i)een awa ayont Cardross, seeing the lasses, an' I'll no say liiit it might be wecl on in the morning whan I set out for coming hame — it was as dark a nicht as ever mortal man was out in — no a starn was to be seen i' the lift. I would hae defied e'en l]alawill himsel, wha pretended to see fartr afore his neb than his neighbours, to hae kent his finger frae his thooni, if luidden u[> afore him. 'NVeel, just as I was passing auld Sandy Roy's that's dead an' awa, an un- earthly-looking thing cam' brachling through the hedge — gif I could believe my ain een it looked like a hurlbarrowon 186 LAIRD OF LOGAN. end, makinf^ its way without the truunel — my hair stooif up like heckle-teeth, and I thought the verra grund was na carrying me. I tried to gang fast, there was the thing at my side; I keepit mysel back — aye at my side; gang fast or gang slow, there was the thing, maist rubbing claes wi' me. The sweat was brealving ower my brow like lammer beads ; but I was aye preserved. As I passed auld Robin Kay's, at the tap o' the loan, and was gaun awa east to Rurubrae, lang Davie Casscl's cock crew, and the thing just gaed through the braid side o' Cassel's malt barn in a fiaucht o' fire. The neist morning, I hoard that just about tlio same time auld Geordie Graham had gane to his rest." JOnXNlE-COUP-THE-CREEL ; OR, THE PEW AND THE PULPIT. No village, hamlet, or rural district, but what has its Will Speir or Rab Hamilton, whose eccentricities, sayings, and doings form the medium of amusement in every social circle, and he who can suit the ipsissima verba, manner, and matter to the very punctuation in recitation, has made his fortune, and is sure to be called in on every festive occasion— and these are many and say we many more may they bo — for we love sociality and revel in the society of happy faces. In a village not far from where we sit, and that is within ear-shot of the deep boom of St. Mungo's bell, on a tenth of October — the A. D. does not matter, whether east, west, south, or north, it concerns you not to know, reader ; and if you persist, we shall consider it down right impertinence, and the tread-mill is your lot — was the crazed wit of the village Johnnie-Coup-the-Creel, waiting the arri- val of the village stage. coach, which alternated the days of the week, Sundays e.xccptod. Johnnie assumed the profession of porter, and appeared with ropes over his shoulders, slojied from left to right, no badge, however, to indicate his standing, and that he had come under recognisance to tl c autlioiilies lor the sale L.UUU OF LOO AN. 187 delivery of goods entrusted to bis care ; such Lurdeus as the vehicle carried thither, were the lightest, generally, that the villagers had to bear. Johnnie was an adept in the statistics of character, parti- cularly those items of it in the social history of llesh and blood, which form the dark side of the picture, and when occasion re- quired, these sores were mercilessly subjected to Johnnie's lunar caustic, which really made him a terror whan he required to be in any way opposed, and collisions with him consequently were most studiously avoided. Sober and inoffensive, regular in his attendance at church, and exemplary in his dumeanour there, except when the lesser light which showers her silvery rays on our lower world, was in a particular age or altitude ; that m^-sterious influence which this great luminary has on the intellectual tides on which Reason steers her shattered bark, and the fluxes and re- fluxes of the unruly element under old Neptune, must, we fear, in boih cases, remain for ever unexplored. At these periods of lunar excitement Johnnie paid no regard to the solemnities of public worship — the minister was most uncere- moniously interrupted by abrupt address or pantomimic ges- ticulation. These Uttle disturbances were genernlly quieted by the mild and affectionate address of the minister, who, to the most ardent zeal for his Master's service, added the manners of the accomplished gentleman, and which, it were well if tliey ahv.iys graced the deportment of the christian minister. One Sabbath Johnnie's intellects had to oppose a stronger current th.in usual from Luna, and his manner became more violent and noisy. lie commenced whistling with considerable vehemence, modulating with scientific skill the shrilly notes of the ploughman's flute. This unusual manner of poor Johnnie ne;irly disconcerted the whole congregation, and put the " Messenger of peace" to a stand still, and he feared for the result; the more than usual violent manner of the lunatic required different treatment from what he had been accustomed to administer, and to be stem, mi-ht 188 LAIRD OF LOGAN. bo like chaffing the ah-eady enraged animal. *' John," said the minister mildly but fii-mly, " this cannot be allowed — I cannot go on with the service — you must be quiet." " Canna get on Mr. ," answered Johnnie, " that's no a way to speak to me — canna get on, I hear ye speak for a hale day whiles — canna get on Mr. , just begin again, read the chapter ower again, it canna be ony the waur o't." " John, I say," rejoined the minister, " you must not dis- turb the worship this way — I cannot go on — and must stop tlie worship until this is done." " Canna get on, Mr. , dear me, ye surprise me, just try't again, — or there's the Doctor in the front o' the laft there, he's doing naething, try him, he's college-bred like yoursel ; or there's Tammas Toul-the-Tod, he's lang and loose i' the tongue — though what ho says is as fusionless as a dried dockan, — try him and see what he can mak o't." During this, to the minister, most distressing interrup- tion, the congregation looked at each other, every one reluc- tant to step forward to eject the offender, afraid of Johnnie's tongue, which they knew would be thrust like a probe to the bottom of any sore in their own, oi' I'riend's character. At last, a shoemaker, who had the very pardonable failing of relishing a bottle of brown stout in his neiglibour, Robin Riljblotree's, made towards the pew where the lunatic was seated, and just us he drew near, Johnnie gave the boolc- board a sledge-hammer stroke, with clenched fist, calling- out, " Anither bottle o' porter, Robin." A second now came to the shoemaker's assistance, the son of a farmer, who, at a ploughing match in the neigh- bourhood had been injured by some spirits distributed to those CO mi)eting for the prize, thougii before he had borne an excellent shnrncter for sobriety. " Come awa, Jock, there's nae furs to fa' amang liere, naething to tout your stomach, my lad," said the merciless lunatic. John Wcas now secured, and seeing his landlady near him, he called to her, " Help, help, in the King's name," and tiion to his guard, " diniia sijueezc nic to death, can ye no gi'e me elbow-room." LAIRD OP LOGAir. ?*9 Fairly dUlodgcd, and without tlie church door, hi- turn«»d round, and seeing many oC the people following, he called out at the top of his voice, " A kirk to let." R. THK MIIJ.Kr's man. Robin Scobie served honest Thomas Bryce, who rented the small mill of Goodie near Thornliill, Perthshire. Thomas was a sober exemplary man ; but which only con- trasted more strongly with the drunken outbreakings of Robin. Scobie was an old favourite, and having been brought up with the miller from a boy, he said, " he meant to live and die at Goodie." He was very superstitious, and lived in profound fear of ghosts, iiobgoblins, &c., and these usually showed themselves to him in great numbers, with oft-times, as he affirmed, the Arch-fiend at their head, in returning at night from his drunken rambles at 'J'horn- hill ; and how to protect himself from the powers of darl;- ness, thus in league against liiin. had long been a matter of anxious inquiry with him. One day a wandering vagrant of the district, nick-named Jenny Hetdoots, half-suspeeted herself of being in "com- pact wi' auld Nick," called at the mill for her "sairing," as it is called, and Robin oH'ered to give her " a peck o' the best groats that ever were skilled at Goodie, gin she would gi'e him the Deil's word." " Wcel it's cost ye nao mair Robin, my man: tak' ye a rowan-tree stick (mountain-ash, esteemed amongst tiic vulgar in Scotland a specific against the indnence of witchcraft) in your hand, and when ony o' our gentry make their appearance, just draw a score round about ye, and daur the bauldest o' them to come within't " Robin's associates were three of the " Sicvers" of Ses- santilly, the rival mill to Goodie ; and the " Happer club," as they called themselves, was to meet, at least, once a- fortnight — the object was, "just after thoy had ta'en the water atf the mill wheel, to let a wee drap on their ain." The place of meeting was Jenny \Viiigali's — as (vutny an 190 LAIRD OF LOGAN. hostler-wife as ever snapp'd lid o' gill stoup, and one wlio well knew how to address herself to the peculiarities of her customers. The miller's man was always cock o' the roost, from his having most to say — " Nae end o' ye, Robin, man — your water's aye on the wheel — it's a wonder your tongue disna weary," said Jenny, as she set down a fresh supply of aqua, in order to turn the edge of Robin's sarcastic tongue from her favourites of Sessantilly. The mill of Goodie was admitted to be the best in the whole district, for shieling barley and oats, and grinding of brosemeal ; and this superiority gave Robin materials for annoying the Sievers. " Vou I ye Sessantilly sacks, what ken ye about pickin' or setting the millstane? — nae maii- than it kens about you — see, though you hae the hale Carse sucken to you, and what the Earl o' Murray can do beside, ye canna turn out barley like ours ! — just speir at Andrew Brochan., gif I didna ken Goodie barley frae Glentirran, boiling in the kale-pot ; — aye, as it came tum'lin up, says I — there ye go. Goodie — is that your ill-faur'd frae Glentir- ran ? But after a', lads, what would Goodie mill be, if it werena for me and the muekle wheel ? — the miller micht whistle on his thumb." " Weel, Robin," said one, " we maun think about gaun hame, now — see, Robin, gif ye can cast a bane i' the Dcil s teeth at the moss-side this night — it's gay an' dark I see." " Oh ho ! ye think ye hae trampit on my corns the now, do ye? O man, I just wish Sootiewad mak' himsel visible this night, I would mak him turn his tail ower his riggin an' riii in a hun'er hurries " Ye was na aye that way, Robin — what makes ye sae bauld this night ?" " Man," said Robin, " o'^ y^ kent that ye would be as wise as mysel." The .secret could not be screwed out of Robin ; and the three Sievers followed at due distance, to see whether Robin should see the troubler of mankind. Robin went on zig- zagging his way like the Links o' Forth, until he came to the moss-side, when all of a sudden he made a dead stand — described a circle around him, and then putting himself LAinrv or r.ocAV. 191 in an attitude of defence. " Wwl, Sawney, aro yc there tills niglit again? — man, ye liaena a' tiio wit the foil< gie ye credit for, else ye wadna left your ain het hame to fright Robin Scobio this nicLt ; just daunder your wa's hame. Do ye ken the scent o' rowan-tree ? — tiiat's your sort, Nickie — just come within that ring, and you'll lose your post." TCTE BARK WAOR THAN THE BITE. Most of our readers have beard of Lady Mary Liudsay Crawfurd, who owned many broad acres in the county of Fife, iiiul if she did not Lord it, neither did she Lady it over those who came within range of her tender mercies. Trespassers on her domains were sure to be visited with punishment, be- yond, if she could have managed it, the utmost penalty of the laws. Two boys were apprehended within the enclosures, and her factor ordered to have them brought before the ma- gistrate of the adjoining bm-gh. The civic functionary in- quired, " What airtcam ye frae, my young cout, that's been stravaiging wi' the halter ower your mane through her Lady- ship's policies." "Sir," replied the juvenile offender, " 1 belong to the guard ship at Leith." " Man, I wish ye had ta'en better 'care o' yoursel here." " And whaur," to the other, " is your hame." " I am a drummer boy of the regiment in Edinburgh Castle." "Are ye no fleyed that the taws will be laid ower your ain back for breaking through Lady Mary's fences ; but, poor things, what were ye likely to ken about dykes and fences, that are maist a' the days i' the year inside the ribs o' the Tender, or the wa's o' a castle,— hae, there's a shilling to each o' ye, and gae wa' hame to your castle and your cabin, and be better bairns a' the rest o' your days, whether on sea or land." " Now," said the humane dignitary to her ladyship's factor, who had an apparent touch of kindred sympathy for the boys, " ye can tell Lady Alary that I ha'e sent ane o' the delinquents aboard a Man-o'-W;ir, and the ither to be a Sodger, and if that punishment disna please her, I canna help it." 192 I,AmD OF LOGW. WHAT MAUN BE MAUN BE. An old snip who had attempered his goose for inanv years, in the precincts of the ancient palace of Linlithgow, happened to have a helpmate of a very peevish, and queru- lous turn in her temper. Tailors' and shoemakers' wives, as well as clergymen's, often have this turn ; is it accidental, or because these worthies of the scissors, soles, and sermons, are always in the house, and, having an opportunity of ob- serving the details in the household economy, wish to have the direction inside as well as outside of the house ? if so, we tell the sex to " Stand by their order." The tailor's help took ill, and the scythe of Time seemed about to shear through the last stitches that made the couple " one flesh." " I'm gaun to dee Andrew," said the wife. " Are ye," replied the tailor, as coolly as if he had been trying the tem- per of his goose. " Are ye ? — is that the way ye speak when I'm telling you that I'm gaun to leave ye for ever ?" " What wad ye haeme to say? — can I sneck the door against death ?" "Deed no, Andrew, yecanna sneck the door against the King o' Terrors, nor would ye rise aff your seat to do't, though ye could, ; ye're no to lay my banes here, amang the riff- raff o' Linlithgow, but tak' them to Whitburn, and lay them beside my father and mither." Andrew, esteeming a promise made to a person on the verge of time sacred, and not wishing to put himself to the expense, which, indeed, he could ill afford, waved giving any answer, but led on a different conversation. " Do you hear, Andrew ?" " Oh yes, I hear." " Wecl, mind what I'm saying, tak' me to Whitburn, or I'll rise and trouble ye nicht and day — do ye hear 7" " Yes, yes, I hear perfectly — is that pain in your side aye troubling ye yet ?" " Ou ay, I'm a' pain thegithcr, but the maist pain to me is, that you'll lay my dust here." " Oh, woman, dinna distress yoursel about that simple circumstance." " Mind, I'll no lie here, ye maun tak me to Whitburn; I'll trouble ye if ye dinna, and yo may depend on't " " Weol, wccl, then, if ye maun be buried at Whitburn, I cannahclp it, but we'll try ye at Linlithgow lirist." LAIRD OF LOOAN. 193 A MAN went up to the gate of heaven seeking admission. St. Peter, who kept the gate, asked, " Have you been through Purgatory ? " " No," replied tlie man, " but I've been married." " That is all the same," said Peter, " you may come in." Presently another man came up to the gate. " Have you been through Purgatory ? " asked Putur. " No," replied the man. " Then, you caimot enter here." " But, you let in a man just now who had not been through Purgatory." " Yes, but he had been married." '• Married," said the man, " why I've been married twice." Peter quickly replied, " Get away with you ; heaven is not for FOOLS I " IKISH INTKLMGENCIi. IIawkie had an inveterate hatred to the Irirh; and the nuTcilcss lash of his satirical tongue seemed never so much in the element in which it found delight than when flaying the back of poor Paddy. " Will ye," said he to a patron, "gie me a newspaper to read to the Paddies in my lodgings? I want to gie them the last news frac Ireland ! " "I have no paper, IIawkie, but some old one out of date." "Just gie't to me ; it will do. I'll read to them what ne'er was written or in print." AHOVE AND niCLOW. In one of those parisli churches which had been erectc'd during tiie dominaiicy of Episcopacy in t^cotland, but which had become connected with the Church of Scotland, was an important personage who kept order in the house — Robin Tug-the-Tow, alias Kab-the-Kouter. These names were bestowed on the beadle, from the manner of tugging, r.itlKT than a steady swinging pull of the bell rope, and the ringing or '"routing "of the said pic'Ci' of metal, in summoning to the services of tho churcli,or wailing with weeping note the com mital to earth of some villager or tiller of the soil. Being a 194 LAIRD OF LOGAN. rural district, and the parish, for the most part, let out for sheep pasture, the constant attendant of the sliepherd, his dog, followed his master thither, and it generally happened that Colly from the glen, and Csesar from the village, were of different politics, and were as noisy, and somewhat more teethy, in their discussions, as those distinguished meet- ings of the Glasgow City Council in some years, the knell of whose departure is not entirely out of our cars. What, with this canine uproar, and the noise from an estab- lishment of swallows, who kept a boarding-school in the ceil- ing, for rearing and educating their young, — the admoni- tions from the pulpit were frequently rendered inaudible. Robin had little difficulty in dislodging the dogs, but the feathered offenders were beyond the tip of his beadleship's baton. The church official cast many an angry look up- ward, when the twitterers were feeding their callow brood, who, grateful in return for the supplies, uttered their gra- titude in notes as loud as their slender throats could articu- late. Though to the lover of nature the music of these com- moners of nature in their nurseries, were as interesting as the harmony of the spheres, — not to compare great things with small, — Robin could, with hearty good-will, have de- molished their mud-built tenements, and made these fork- tailed nurses introduce their families of fledgelings into so- ciety, before their education had been completed. The clergyman was obliged, every now and then, to intor^ mit his discourse, until the noise should subside, whicli Robin assisted in procuring, pursuing, fire and sword, the teethy combatants from the lobby, causing thoin to make the best use of all the limbs they had; which hav- ing done, he resumed again iiis seat in the bench. The dogs, after a very brief retreat, returned one by ono, the younger and inexperienced taking Ihe lead, your old grey-bearded stagers following at due distance. Coming to the door, these youngstcr.s with cautious noise put aside the l(\nf of the door to reconnoitre, and report whether the fear- ful Robin were sentinelling the passage; then pushing in, after 1 I.AinP OF LOCAV. 195 a report of clear, all came in pell-mell, and forthwith resum- ed the unsettled dispute. The noise one day became, above and below, intolerable, as if the upper and lower battalions disputed which should have the greater credit in marring the service. The minister said, '' Robin, you must put down that noise — I find it impossible to make myself hoard." "Put it down, Sir, said ye," replied Robin, "my certie, 1 iiae pitten out thae tanker-mouthed girners in the trance, ance and again this day, and I in ready to do't the noo, but to put down yon wily-wing'd chitterers amang the cupples, will need a langer arm than mine." A .SOCIAL DOG. The Scotch dog, distinguished in his species as the shep- herd's dog or Colly, is a very domestic animal, and appears to sympathise in the vicissitudes of the family, be they of a melancholy or cheerful character. If there be a party got up in the kitchen for blind-man's buff, on a " weel red-up floor," and if Colly is not daiz'd with age, or attending to out-door duties with some of the family, he is the foremost and most noisy of the party. The person apprehended, usually struggles for liberty, and Colly with mouth and fore- trotters, in pure joyousness of heart, assists in securing the prisoner ; he would not injure with his ivory, were you to give him the contents of a butcher's stall for reward ; often have we ourselves guessed on approaching, what was going on within doors, when we heard the almost risible bark of honest Colly. A very sagacious, white-faced, gentlemanly-looking dog- porsonage of this class, belonged to AVilliam M'Kechnie, Arnprior, who always squatted himself down on his haras, and assumed a most elder looking face, while the family were engaged in worship. It occurred one morning to Bautie, that he might also assist in the psalmody, and he struck in, accordingly, with a most ludicrous effect. Old Grannie was the oidy person who could restrain her«i«;lf ; 196 LAIRD OF LOGAK. stroking the sleek head of Colly, she tendered him a soft admonitiou, declining the accompaniment — " Whisht, Bautie, poor man, for ye ken naething about the matter ; your mouth was never made for singing Psalms wi'." Moral : — There are many beings in the world, who hold their heads more in the perpendicular than poor Bautie, whose profession and ordinary conduct afford melancholy evidence, that practically they know as little of the matter as poor Bautie. A MATTER OF TASTE. A Rev. gentleman connected with the Secession Church, whose son at present occupies a most conspicuous place at the Scottish bar, was preaching on an occasion of baptism in a farmer's house in a muirland district ; the audience was necessarily very limited, and the kitchen was sufficiently large to accommodate the worshippers. The mistress ordered the servant maid to attend to the broth — which was bubbling up, a stomach cheering strain — and put into the pot, at the proper time, a large basonful of onions which had been shred and were lying on the dresser. The Rev. gentleman had never been able to teach his stomach the elements of Egyptian cookery, the delicacies of Goshen — the relish of onions ; on the contrary, he had a most rooted dislike to this strongly-flavoured esculent ; — so that tliere was little likelihood of his remembering tliis pot-herb, although he had wandered in the deserts of Sinai I'or the full complement of years. He commenced his sermon, but kept a most suspicious look-out at the onions, which he could not but see and smell, we may almost say feel also ; at the given point in the ebullition of the broth, the mistress gave a significant nod to the servant, which was immediately obeyed. Ilis Reverence diverged, as the maid came forward with the liateful bason. " I say, my lass, if ye put a shaving o' tliae in the pot, I'll no put a s[)oon in the kail this day." LAIKU OF LOGAN. 107 A CHANCE HIT. TuE same Rev. gentleman was ridiug along the road one day, and had on a cloak which he wore when the ele- meats without seemed to wage war and dispute their claims to superiority, of rather au extraordinary make and pattern, cape upon cape like the outworks in a regular fortification ; so that when the rain had got possession of one fold it had a fresh one to encounter. The winds were trying their full power to turn this tailor's barricade into ridicule, and were assailing the shoulder turrets in all directions, when an English gentleman came up, mounted on a very spirited horse, which had never been trained to such sights, and took alarm, and almost threw his rider. " Why man," said John Bull, "that cloak o' yours would frighten the Devil." " Weel," replied the minister, " that's just my trade." A beggar's DlSCHARGii. IIawkie attacked a gentleman, the second time on the same evening, for ji piece of copper coinage. The gentle- man on the second application pled previous payment. " Weel, weel," said Hawkie, "I'll let you pass, yehaepaid." I ANGUAGE OF TUE FEET. Henderson the proverbialist had a most peculiar mode of indicating his wants ; indeed, every thing he said or did partook of the character of the man. When dining, and after certain dishes were partaken of, which according to good old northern custom qualifies for a dram, such as fish, cheese, &c., generally solids, and when the ardent sol- vent seemed tardy in forthcoming, he would have addressed himself to some familiar friend, and complained, "Man, Davit, gin ye be wanting a dram, can ye no just seek it, in- stead o' kicking my shins that gaet." 198 LAIRD OF LOGAN. AN IRISH WONDER. A PARTY was going out to dine in the neighboui-hood of Dublin, in the direction of the Canal. While driving along its banks, they observed before them a mare, with a colt at her foot, grazing in a small enclosure, who gambolled in all the joyousness of conscious existence. In his exuberance of joy, he ventured too near the brink, lost his slender footing, and went plump over ears ; a car somewhat in advance of our party pulled up, and rescued the inexperienced roadster. As our friends came up, master colt had forgot his recent perils, shook the folds of his shaggy drapery, and greedily commenced sucking his mother. " Ach, an' by my troth," observed one of the sons of the bog, " who'd have thought that he'd been dry so soon." A TRACTABLE STILT. " You are well acquainted with the but and ben end of the ' Land o' cakes,' Hawkie," said a gentleman to him. In reply — " I might throw the halter ower the neck o' my stilt, and it would turn in o' its ain accord to its quarters for the nicht, without happing or winding, in ony corner o't." HAWKIe's VOCATION. " It's a wonder, Hawkie, that ye can live, a man of your intellect, tramping up and down, amang a' the riff-raff tat- terdemallions that beg the country," said a gentleman. " Oh, but man is that a' ye ken," replied the wit; " I liao a profession to support — I'm a collector of poor's rates." COLLECTOR AND COMMISSION. " Hawkie,' conlinvied the gcnt^^man, "You must have a surplus of funds, for I think you a talented and industrious collector." " Weel, man, I'll admit baith ; but, for a' that. I ne'er got what paid the collector decently." LAIRD OF LOG AN. |!)') DUNNING EXTRAORDINARY. •• 1 HAVE had somothing to do with collecting accounts, Hawklc, and if your rates are as difficult to call in as thcv are, you must have battle enough in your profession." " OIi, man, you're no up to your business, you're but a green han' ; wo could learn you. No get your accounts ! I ca'd in accounts whan there was naething awn to me." RK.AUAULE TYPE. The late William Reid, bookseller in Glasgow, was ex- ceedingly fond of a good joke, and having a fair share of humour himself, he was the better able to be either the judge or the occasion of it in others. One day an old woman from the clachan of Campsle en- tered the shop, inquiring for " a Testament, on a mair than ordiuar roun' teep." One of the largest size was shown to her, which she carefully examined, exacting a serious tri- bute on Mr R.'s pationcp. " This ane 'ill no do— it's a piiy, noo, for it's a boiniie book — hae ye ony o' tlie same size, but wi' the print just about twice as grit?" "No such Testament printed in Scotland," was the reply. " Weel, I'll tell ye what ye may do, sin' I hae gi'en you a' this trouble ; I'm gaun wast a' the gate to Anderston, to see a brither's bairn that I maun see afore I leave the toun, an' ye can just put your stampin'-irons in the fire, and cast ane aff to me by the time that I come back— we'll no cast out about the price." DUST AND DROUGHT. Mr. Reid, when confidential shopman and clerk to Messrs. Dunlop and Wilson, booksellers in Glasgow, with whom, wo believe, he acquired tlio knowledge of his profession, was en- gaged at the annual balance in taking the stock of litora- lure in quires in the warehouse, and had tiie assistance of a 200 LAIRD OF LOGAN. couple of bookbinders to collate the works, and to lay aside all imperfect copies. The work was heavy, and the dust, which had not been distui-bed since the former balance, in most cases required, in case of making lodgements in the crevices of Craig's closs (throat), to be washed down, and Mr. Reid was petitioned for the juice of barley in some shape or other. Mr. R. received the petition, and having a happy knack in doggrel, forthwith memorialized the heads of the house, " Now, gentlemen, to tell the truth, We're like to choke wi' stour and drouth ; Twa pots o' porter, if you please, Would set our geyzened throats at ease." MUSIC IN CHURCH— BUT NOT CHURCH MUSIC. DoxALD Mhork, a dashing young drover, from somewhere benorth the Braes o' Doune, had purchased at Carlisle, where he had been with cattle from the Tryst of Falkirk, a musical snuff-bo.x, and, on his return home, being determined to make a display, he carried the same to church next Sunday. The snuff was prime, but unfortunately, when handing a pinch to a cronie, and just as the minister had begun to draw his inferences, off went the box to the not inappro- priate tune of " Were a* noddin'." Donald applied himself lo the stop catch, which he mistook, and away went the music to the profane tune of " Maggy Lauder." In the perturbation of the moment, Donald tried to smother the box within his sporran; but at last took fairly to his heels, when, just as he was about to slam the door behind him, and us if in reply to the inquiring gaze of an astonished audi- ence, the dying cadence of the instrument ended with, " Mj natne is Maggy Lauder." OUT OF THE FRYING-PAN INTO THE FIRE. A LATE venerable Doctor in the Church, whose years ronsiderably outnumbered "threescore and ten" ore ho LAinn OF I.OCAM. *2Ul " \v;l3 {jatherod to his lUlliur.s," liad, in liis earlier days, :» rapidity of thought and expression, which led him ol'tentiuies to invert his sentences. One day the Doctor was executing a piece of Church dis- cipline, for a crime, which, according to the practice of Kirk and Dissent, with the exception of perhaps the Con- gregationalists, is the only one referred to by the Apostle a? the " sin before all ;" drunkenness, profane swearing, swindling, and backbiting, are of " private interpretation," and to be dealt with accordingly; and after a long lecture on the evil example, &c., he concluded, by advising the offender to " go in peace, and thenceforth to live in the practice of all known sin, and the omission of all known duty." The venerable monitor observed a titter going the round of the pews ; and mistaking the cause, gave with some degree of warmth a closing admonition to the onlook- ers, which also involved a rigiit to left reading of another passage of Scripture — " Let him that thinketh he fallelh take heed lest he stand 1" ATTi:\niN(; a rcNr.nAi. Wii.L Speir joined a funeral passing along the road \n the same direction as be was going; all the attendants were on horseback, and Will, to save appearances, got astride on his huge poll or staff, that he walked with. One of the mourners in attendance, observed to Will, " So yo hae gotten a horse. Will, its a peaceable-like brute." " On ay, poor thing 1 its no ill to keep, its neitlier gi'en to Hinging nor eating corn." A DEAN AMONG THE BEGGAUS. Hawkie accosted a party of gentlemen one night, with " Bide a blink till 1 tell ye something." " We have nothing fur you," was the reply, "you're drunk, sir." The wit im- mediately replied, " I'm no half sae drunk as I wad like to 202 LAIRD OF LOGAN. be," and which honest reply arrested the party. " Now, gentlemen, mind ye, that I'm nane o' your lick-my-loof beg- gars, I just want three bawbees to mak up the gill, and down wi' your dust." THE DIET DESERTED ; OR, JOHN BULL IN A STRAIT. Dear Bailie, I got your kind present of crows, And send our good lady's best thanks in reply ; The branchers were fat, and you cannot suppose How nicely they ate when done up in a pie. Hut, in speaking of crows, you're perhaps not aware That a crow will be pluck'd when you show your face here; What the deuce made you think to consign to our care Such a tun of live-flesh as your friend, Mr Steer ? When he gave me your note, (which was done on the beach,) The people stood gaping from window and door ; So we took to the inn to be out of their reach. And 1 ask d him to dine with me next day at four. Our friends kept their time, and the news of the day Had just been discuss'd when we heard an odd din, \\'hile Betty exclaim'd ^^■ith a voice of dismay, " The muckle fat gentleman canna get in !"* Now up went the windows, and out went our heads, When we found that our neighbours were all on the gaze ; And your friend, in the midst of some quizzical blades. Stood scratching his head, and seem'd quite in a maze. " I'm blow'd if this aint a strange kind of a house ! Had I kuow'd, why I shouldn't have come here at all : * Tlidse who liiivo obstrvcd tlio n:irn)\v doors of sonic of tliu old houses situate on tlic Kcottisli coiist, will not bo surprised at thenwkward pre- dicament a gontlciuitn nf Mr. Steer's bulky dimensions might find liim- Bclf in. LAIRD OF LOGAN. 203 Do you think, my good friend, that a m l.( DNOMUAI, rUKACHER. A PAROCHIAL incumbent, whose scene of labour bordered on tbo Strath of Blanc, was blamed for having- an erroneous oi)iuion of the momories of his hearers, inasmuch as ho fre- quently entertained tht-m with " cauld kail het again," in the shape of sermons that he had previously given. On one occasion, his own memory allowed him to make a slip, and only a sabbath had elapsed between the giving of the sermon a second time. After the dismissal of the congregation, the i)cadle remarked to him, " I hae often heard ye blamed, sir, for gie'in' us auld sermons ; but they'll be mislear'd folk as wecl as sklentin' frac fact, tliat say that o' the ane ye gied us this afternoon, for it's just a fortnicht sin' they heard it afore in the same place !" I'JIOIKSSIONAL iM>Ui)lKV. Jame3 Jounstone was a wit, and like Edie Ochiltree, delighted exceedingly in exercising his talent at the expense of his betters. Besides paving the streets of the royal burgh of Lanark, Johnstone was wont to follow his vocation in the neighbouring villages. On one occasion, while re- pairing the streets of a small town bordering on the eastern district of Lanarkshire, he was encountered by the parish minister, whose enemies reported that " he looked mair after his pence than his pu'pit." " Well, Mr. John- stone, what are you engaged about here?" "In troth, minister," said the paviour, " I'm trying to mend the ways [roads] o' the folk i' your parish." " Very laudable em- ployment, James, indeed, but one which 1 fear is not likely to be successful ; for I have been engaged in the same em- ployment for tho last five-and-twenty years with little suc- cess." *• Ah, but, sir," replied Jamie, " there's a material difference between us in our way o' gaun about it; you're sair lee'd on, if you're as nmcklo on your Itnei's to I>rinAIHD OF LOGAN. 211 tious. A travellor from iiirmiiigliaui, iu the " button line," a perfect specimen of the thing wc have just described, having all the conceit of his caste about hiiu, with none of the gentlemanly bearing, suavity of manners, and genuine excellence of both head and heart, which we know others of ihem to possess, once met a friend in Glasgow, and descant- ed in such glowing and eloquent terms, on Birmingham and the exquisite lustre and polish of its buttons, that one would iiave thought the sun himself but an overgrown but- ton, and Birmingham his chamber in the east. This led to a remark, from his friend, regarding the amount of money he might collect at each visit. " It is very great, I assure you. Very great indeed, sir. I will," continued he, with a knowing inclination of his knob, " I will make Glasgow a poor town before I leave it to-day !" A FKIENUSUIP WUUTU HAVING. " Weei., Duncan Graham,'' said an old hoary slip from the same Celtic stock, " you have always been a great patriot for your fathers family and the clan of our name ; and you have now been away from us a long time, and married a wife, and all that ; and no doubt you will wish to go and live amongst her relations, though I would rather that you were amongst ourselves here in our own place, all the rest of your days." " Yes," replied Duncan, " I have come a long way north to see my native country, but I mean to return to tiie south to spend the remainder of my days." " No doubt, no doubt ; it's all right, Duncan. Now, Duncan, when you are away from us, and among strangers, should any tiling befel you in the way of diffi- culty, always count on Diigald Graham, your own second cousin by the mother side, as a true friend ; ay, Duncan, one that will stand by you in all circumstances in the world, or any where — aye — any thing short of murder: indeed, Duncan, my dear, if iL snould bo murder itself, 1 will uot turn my back upou you." 212 hAlRD OF LOGAN. PIGS AND PCPriKS; OR, HAVING THE WRONG SOW BT THE EAR. The Robertons of Earnock, in the parish of Hamilton, were one of the oldest families in that part of the country, and could trace their origin to a more remote antiquity than many of the noble families in their neighbourhood. The last of these lairds, who died upwards of fifty years ago, was noted for many good qualities, not unmixed with some eccentricities. Among the latter of these, was a strange fondness for hunting -dogs, which he permitted to roam at large, and to live at bed and board with himself ; and gen- erally from twenty to thirty might be seen following him nn his peregrinations around the country, or, if at home, snugly dosing around him on the hearth. Among the then pendi- cles attached to this strange establishment, was a family fool named Robert M'Math, who was perhaps the last of his species in Scotland. His neighbour. Captain Gilchrist, of Eddlewood, the maternal grandfather of the celebrated Lord Cochrane, now Earl Dundouald, frequently rallied him on these points, but in vain ; the Laird of Earnock was incur- able ; but, at the same time, he did not think the less of his kind-hearted neighbour and disinterested adviser, and, ac- cordingly, various small marks of attention and of mutual regard frequently passed between tho two families, of which the following is an instance : — The Laird of Earnock had on one occasion a lai'ge litter of pigs of a voi'y superior breed, and as he wished to send a couple of them to Captain Gilchrist, Robin the fool was instantly despatched with them in a pock which he carried over his shoulders, with direc- tions to say to the family at Eddlewood, that they were " from the Laird of Earnock, and would serve for a roast, or to amuse the weans." The weans at this time were Lord Cochrane and his brother. The distance between Earnock- house and Eddlewood is about two miles ; and as ill Iuck would have it, a party from Hamilton happened on the same day to be jjlaying al (juoits, and dining at a small uublic- I.AtRD OF LOGAN. 213 hnuso :il)ont lialf-way between tlic two mansion-liouscs. NVliiMj Robin was seen approacliing with his burden on his back, they instantly "smelled a rat ;" and having persuad- od him to go in and take a drink of swipes or ale, th<,'y in the mean time took out the two pigs, and placed two pups in their place ; and having helped Robin on with his burden, sent him on his way rejoicing. On arriving at Eddlewood, he met (^a[)tain Ciiclu-ist himself, wliuro, having delivered his message, he was ordered to " turn them out." Having done so, he was confounded to see two pups, instead of two pigs, make their debut. Captain Gilchrist, thinking it was a joke of his friend, ordered Robin to re-pack his charge, and carry them jjaek to his master. When Robin reachi-d the fatal public-house on his return home, he was again en- ticed to go in; and while he was partaking of anutlier refreshment, the pigs were re-placed and the dogs taken out, when the simple dupe was despatched as formerly. On his arrival at Earuock, he began to upbraid the Laird lor having sent him on so fruitless an errand ; when, being •igain ordered to " turn them out," to his infinite amazement and consternation, the dogs had again become pigs. His master, having questioned him where he had been, saw through the trick, ordered him again to get the pigs on his back, and to be sure and never set them down till he reached F.dillewood ; but Robin was refractory, and made off as quickly as possible, remarking, with a shrug of the shoul- der and a significant leer of the eye, " Na, na, maister, I've carried the Deil lang enough ; yon may carry him a bit yoursel noo." AN ABERDEEN WONDER. John Bervie, an honest, iudustrious man, who lived in a landward parish not far from the " auld toon o" Aberdeen," had, by dint of industry and frugality, so far succeeded in his wishes, as to give his only son a tolerably good educa- tion ; and the young man, after being fully qualified, set off 214 LAIRD OF LOGAN. for London, where he soon got into a comfortable situation. After being properly settled, he, like a wise and grateful son, remitted to his father, from time to time, small sums of money, as he could spare them from his salary. On one occasion he sent by the hand of a friend, a guinea to his worthy father, w^ho kept it like the apple of his eye, and would by no means part with it, however hard he might be pressed. At this time gold was a great rarity in the " north countrie," and it was the custom of honest John, to take his guinea to church with him every sabbath day, and show it to his astonished neighbours, as a " wonderfu* wonder ;" for which sight he was sure always to charge a penny from each individual who wished to see the "gowd guinea." But evil times came, and poor John was under the dire necessity of parting with his darling guinea. Sabbath came round, and John appeared in the church-yard as usual, but not in his wonted mood, for, alas ! the precious coin was gone, and John felt as one bereaved of a friend who had long been dear to him. His neighbours flocked around him, as was their wont, wishing another sight of the guinea, but John told them with a sorrowful heart and as sorrowful a coun- tenance, that " he couldna let them see't ony mair, for he had been obligated to part wi't at last, and a sair partin' it was to him." His acquaintances, grieved and disappointed, both on account of John's hardship and of not having their own curiosity gratified, began to disperse, w-hen John be. thought him of a plan by which he might partly satisfy them, and likewise put a few pence into his pocket. " Come a' back, lads," cried John, " come a' back, fat are ye a' gaen awa' for? gin I canna let you see the guinea itsel' for a penny, I'll let ye see the cloutio it was row'd in for a bawbee." , THE DEAD DEF0KCT. A LEARNED weaver, in stating his case before the provost of a certain western burgh, having had occasion to speak of /.AlUI) ol- I.OCAV. 21.0 a part V who was diad, repeatedly described Iiim as tho de- funct. Irritated by the iteration of a word which he did not understand, the provost exclaimed, " Wiiat's the use o' talkinj^ sac muelilo about this cliield you ca' tlio defunct ? — caniia ye bring the man here and let liim speak for himsel'l" " The defunct's dead, my Lord," added the weaver. " Oh ! that alters tho case," gravely observed liie sapient provost. AN ANCIKNT tiLASliOW M AGISTI5 ATK. (From a MmiHScrijU Uislonj of the Bunjh.) In the year l(i — , on the magistracy being appointed, one name appeared on the leet which gave great offence to the rest of these functionaries. This was Bailie Their objections to him were these : He was in the first place a navus homo, and unconnected with any of the old families in tho neighbourhood. In the next place, it was understood that he owed his elevation to the civic dignity, not so much to his own deserts, as to the influence which his wife possess- ed over the Archbishop. Thus backed, he soon, by his own industry and his grace's good-will, rose to compa- rative afilucnce ; — being ambitious himself, and his wife not behind any of her sex in vanity, she prevailed with the Arclil>ishop to put her husband on the leet of magis- trates. His civic brethren, though they could not oppose tho election, determined nevcrtlieless to make his honours as irksome to him as possible; and with this view they thwarted all the measures that he mooted in council. He was, however, not a man of very nice feelings, and, therefore, not eaaily put down ; — in short, the temper he displayed, often fretted those who considered themselves his superiors in wisdom and pru- dence, and frequent bickerings in consequence took place. -Matters were in this situation at the council board of Glas- gow, when the following ludicrous circumstance aflTordcd somo of tliu nore waggish among the enemies of Bailie no small amusement at his expense. It chanced that a nephew 210 l.AIRD OF I.OGAN of Janet Reid, a worthy hostess who kept the most distin- guished house of entertainment in the burgh, returnincj from one of his trips to Holland — for he was skipper or captain of a trading vessel belonging to the Lord Provost — chanced to bring with him a cuckoo clock, as a present to his aunt. This, as it was a great rarity, was highly prized by the old woman, who placed it in her principal apart- ment; and it so fell out, that two of the bailies happened to call at Janet's the same day to take their meridian, and hearing the cuckoo they were astonished and delighted with the conti'ivance, and agreed between themselves to play off a joke upon Bailie They accordingly proposed in ' council to dine upon an early day in Janet Reid's, and dis- cuss some matters of importance ; the motion was carried, and on the day appointed, a full meeting took place. A little before the hour expired, one of those in the secret en- tered into a discussion with Bailie respecting his name, which he insisted ought to be Cuckoo, and not , as he called himself ; this, he said, a little bird had told him. At this moment the cuckoo appeared, and re- peated its usual note, when the whole party burst out into a iit of loud laughter at the silly joke. The Bailie, though surprised and discomposed at the unexpected insult, still preserved his temper, and the banter went on for another hour, at the expiry of which, the bird again broke in upon their merriment with its note, when the laughter was re- newed and every finger directed towards the unfortunate civic, who, inflamed by liciuor and maddened by the repetition of the insult, started to his feet, sprung forward, and wrench- ing the offensive piece of mechanism from its place, dashed it to atoms on the hearth; he then looked scowlingly round on the company, adjusted his cravat, called for his sword, and indignantly quitted the room. The other civics, hav- inn- by this experiment, found out wh&t would nettle their obnoxious brother, determined to persevere in the annoy- ance, and witii this view resolved instautca- to order two clocks of a similar coustruclion — one to replace tliat do- I \:ni) or i.oc \n. 'il7 stroyod. and tlio other to be put up in the council hall. The daily ridicule which was thus about to be brought on the head nf the poor Hailie, was likely to be such as no human patience could well stand; recourse in this emergency was therefore bad to the Archbishop, who sent for the Provost and elder Bailie, and having lectured them on the impropriety of their conduct, requested that the obnoxious minute should be erased from the coTincil-books, which was complied with nnxt day. .1. D. Cauuicr. iiiGni.ANn iiosrn AMTY, ou an odd substitutk Fon a WARMING-PAN. Two I'aisley dandies, travelling in the lligliiands, arrived at the house of a common acquaintance just as he was about to sit down to dinner. Nothing could be more gra- tifying to the hungry strangers than the sight which met their eyes as they entered the dining-room. The table literally groaned under the good cheer with which it was covered, and the honest Soestus, not dreaming of so much variety so far from home, were for the time in all their glory, and required littli; pei'suasion to make them wash down the whole with plentiful libations of the nectar of the country. The Seestus, in short, partook freely of every thing that appeared ; and mine host of the mountains, who Avas one of the most benevolent as well as the most hospitable of human beings, out of pure regard for the well-being of his guests, suggested at an early hour that they should re- tire to rest. By this time, the latter had already drowned all their cares in the bowl, and were by no means prepared for such an abrupt termination of their festivities ; but the hint of the landlord was of course irresistible, and they reluctantly proceeded to their chambers. When musing there for a while on the jileasures of the entertainment, and the delights especially of the nover-to-be-forgotteuGlenlivet, it all at once occiirred to one of them that it was a verv extra. 218 LAIRD or LOGAN. ordinary thing- to be thus sent supperless to bed, and that by means of a little Paisley jockeyship it might bo still prac- ticable, if not to get supper, at least to secure a little more drink. With this view he passed at once to the apartment of his companion and imparted his design, proposing that to punish the old cock for his want of hospitality, they should yet arouse him out of bed on pretence of illness, and induce him to produce once more all the implements of jollity. Every thing seemed to favour their plan : their bed-rooms were situate in a remote and dismal part of the old High- land mansion; the wind whistled through the crevices of the shattered window -frames, and our weary travellers be- gan to shiver in true earnest at the thought of passing a whole night in a place so cheerless. The bell was then rung for the servant, who was told to alarm his master immediately, as one of the gentlemen had suddenly become unwell after goirig to bed, and would certainly die unless he got some- thing to relieve him. Mine host was instantly on the spot, full of alarm for his friends; but he had scarcely entered the room when he perceived something like a smile on the faces of both, a circumstance he could not well reconcile with the pretence of serious illness. To be brief, he penetrated the whole affair in a twinkling, and neither liking to be thus roused from his warm bed, nor relishing the idea of being quizzed after this fasliion in his own house, he resolved, like Lesmahago with the mad dog, to turn upon his pursuers and fight them with their own weapons. Feigning com- passion, accordingly, for the suffering Seestus, and treading softly up to the bedside, " My dear sir," exclaimed he, " T fear your quarters are not so comfortable as they should have been ; but if you complain of cold I have a re- medy at hand which will soon cure the shivering fit — just let me feel your pulse, my sweet sir, and all shall be right in a moment." Having so expressed himself, he seized the astonished Paisleyonian round tlie middle, and throwing him on his krtee as if he had been an infant, he raised a fist, wliic li, like tliat of Parson Adams, bore no small resent- LA inn OF LOO AW. 2ir> blance to a shoulder of mutton, and applied it with so much force and dexterity, that the unfortunate victim of Ills drouthy neighbour's drollery roared out most lustily for help, invoking St. Mirren, and cursing the hour he had left tho Water neb, while ho ever and anon protested it was all a joke. This was only answered by the sturdy Highlander with a repetition of the dose, and he swore at the same time that he liked jokes above every thing, but that this was the only effectual substitute he had ever kno« n for a modern warming-pan. He then turned to the other, who had nearly expired with laughing at the absurd predi- cament of his naked associate, and seizing him with the same business-like air of indifference, made him taste of the same discipline not less severely, through a pair of thin duck trowsers, the effect of which is now jocosely said, by the wags of the Sneddon, to be visible in his nose, an extra quantity of blood appearing to have retreated to that organ whenever the alarm was sounded at the opposite extremity. " And now, gentlemen," added the honest Celt, " as I am a little fatigued with the trouble I have taken to make yon so very comfortable, we shall, if you please, have a little more of the dew, and then to bed." The unlucky dandies were too much confounded with the sample of their land- lord's humour which they had just tasted, to think of thwarting him in any new proposal, and they acquiesced therefore with so much good will, that morning had already dawned upon them ere thoy thought of departing from the second sederunt. They were puzzled next day to decide whether they should admire the more — Highland hospitality, or Highland warming pans. • J. D. Carrtck. THE HnLINO PASSION STRONG IN DEATH. Andrew TiNSAcn was a. cock-laird of tho west, and a man of very strong passions, — those of an irascible charac- ter predomiuating. He was never known to have forgiven 220 I.AIRD OF I.OGAN. an injury, not even after he had taken his revenge. Hi' would reply to those who urged him to forget and forgive " What do you know about my feelings ? when ye can suit your shanks to my hose and shoon, ye may speak ; so just keep your breath to cool your kail : ye dinna ken how het ye may hae to sup them yoursel yet." Tinnach had a feud of long standing with a neighbour laird, one Peter Torrance ; and although Peter was always anxious to make up matters with Andrew, yet his obstinacy withstood all advances towards a reconciliation. A serious illness, however, brought him at last to some placability of temper; and a message was despatched for Peter to come and see Andrew, who was thought to be at the point of death. " Man, Andrew 1" said Peter, "but I am vex'd to see you sae sair dung down, but keep up your heart yet — thei-e's been mony a ane as sair forfochten, and wan owr't a'." " Oh, but Peter," said the Aying man, " there's an awfu' dcath-wark at my heart, I never fand ony thing like it before ; I just sent for you, because I would like to die at peace wi' you." " I am glad to hear ye speak sae, Andrew, and ye canna be mair anxious to be at peace wi' me than I am to be wi' you ; its no seventy times, nor ony- ihing like it, that you and I hae had misunderstandings." Andrew rallied a little, and a gleam of hope seemed to light up his pallid countenance. " But, Peter, ye ken ye did me great harm, and though I aye tried to keep down my temper, it brak out whiles , it wasna easy to put up wi' a' the provocation that ye gied me." " Weel, wcel," said Peter, who, upon the whole, was more the injured than the iiijuror, "be it so; let us forget and forgie." "Ay, Peter, but ye aye made light o' the injury ye did to me." Peter saw matters likely to resume their old form, and bade Andrew farewell. " Weel, fareweol, Peter," said Andrew ; " and though we're 'greed the now, mind, gin I get better, we'll just be as we were, for a* this." 11. LAIIU) OF LOOAN. 221 UU;IILANI> MEUKAl. rilESCKlPTION. Laculan M'Lkan of Broadalbane sent two of his sons, Hector and Angus, to a brotlior-iu-law, who lived in the Caiton of Glasgow, to be apprenticed as hand loom weavers. Angus, the younger of the two, was of an exceedingly kiml and obliging disposition, and endeared himself, as William Dougall, his uncle and master, said, "to every body about him ; but, in regard to his brother, the same authority stated, " that he had nae great brow o' him — there appears to bo unco little outcome o' him ; but what can be expected o' a raw callant, standing sax feet twa on his stocking soles, and only saxteen year auld, — thao sort o' cattle hae little raair generally than what the spoon puts in them, — they grow owre fast to tak niuckle judgment alang wi' tlum — the crap o' him, too, is booing down as fast as the body grows up, just like a saugh-wand, whilk maks me say to him whiles, Man, Hector, you're growing to the gnind like the stirk's tail." The aunt paid great attention to her nephews, particularly to the younger — she separated their meal-honrs from those of the shopmates, so that she might give them something over and above the ordinary run of the kitchen. Mrs. Dougall might be seen calling in her two nephews to break- fast just as the others had left ; *' Come awa, my braw lad- dies, I am sure that you are both weary and hungry now,— haste you, my bairns, I hae kecpit your bit o.g>^ warm and boiling for you this half hour." The great change, from climbing the hills, and assisting h'u f;itlier in watching the sheep, to the sedentary occupai ion of wcavi^ig, induced a serious swelling in the ancle joints ol poor Angus, and to add to this, jaundice throw its saffron hue over his countenance. This sickness gave his aimi great anxiety. " My poor doo," would she say, " and so far Irum your mother, nal e never mair be able to go home on your aln feet. Betty, my little lassie, go over to John liattiesou the smith, we should 222 LAIKD OF LOGAN. rather call him Dr. Battieson, though he is second cctusin of my own, — atweel 111 say't, he'll knew more than all the doc- tors that ha'e been brought out o' the College — rin, Betty, and say that I sent you for something that's good for pro- moting a swell in the joint at the heel, and also for putting away a yellow face with the jaundice." Betty immediately obeyed, and delivered the message to the son of Vulcan» who put on a grave, thoughtful expression of countenance for about ten minutes, and prescribed: — " Tell Mrs. Dougall to take her own two hands and rub the laddie's legs aye down and down till the swell go away at the bottom of the foot on no account let her draw her hands up, as she may cause the swell to go up to and go into his body, and kill him altogether ; and for the jaundice — tell her to take the blankets from the laddie's bed at night, when the dew is coming down, and draw them through the dew till they are wet all over, then row them about him tight all over his body, so that he will be a perspiration the whole night — and by the blessing of Providence and the cure of the medicine, the laddie will do well." R. CELTS AND THE SECESSION. At one of the preaching stations connected with the Covval missions, the clergymen sent there by the Secession Synod were well received, and apparently attentively listened to, though many of the hearers knew not the diffei-enco between Kirk and Dissent. One of them was asked what Seceders meant, as differing from the Cimrch of Scotland ? " Och, I'll thocbt, tall bonnic men, like the cedars on Leban- It on. HIGHLAND SYNONYMES. Duncan M'Tavisii practised as a writer in a small town in the West Highlands, and had become familiar wiih the l)nglish language, chiefly through the unedium of Bailey's i.Ariui OK i.ocAV. 22^ dictionary; and Duiuaii, when quizzed about his elegant English, said, " it would be strange, indeed, if he did not know English, ay. every particle of it, when I have every year read all the dictionary, word for word, and made an observation on it too." Duncan had a young man as an ap- prentice, whom he was instructing in the mysteries ol " Giving over land by deed, of drawing obligations between man and man, and for employing all instruments, civil and profane, for bringing criminals before justice," as the indenture ran. .\n uncle of this young man had paid the debt of nature, and it was necessary for the apprentice to obtain his employer's permission to go to the funeral, which was at a considerable distance. " By all means, Ian M'Dhu — by all means, ray boy — go surely, and get ready your black clothes, and all that ; but you must also, Ian. write your uncle's widow a letter of compliments on tlii.s melancholy occasion. Sit down, and I'll give you a letter of my own deduction ; begin and say, ' My dearest madam,' — yes, that will do, ' I bog leave,' yes, beg leave, ' to congratu. late you.'" The young man, who had profited above his teacher, observed, " Don't you think, sir, condole is a better word?" " Oh yes ! it is a very good word — put them both down — they are excellent words, and, moreover, synony- mous term !" PROMISE versus rkform. An issuer of " Promises to pay," in a town of some note on the west coast of Scotland, had got himself well feather- ed in his vocation, the business being not only a very pro- fitable one, but a kind of heir-loom in the family. This gentleman, though large in promise, was tardy in performance; a habit of inveterate laziness had insensibly crept »n on tdm, and which amounted almost to disease. The good tolks in his neighbourhood used to siiy of him, " Just let Hanky sit still, and bring his pick to him, and hell gie a bit (biiTer wi' his wings now and then to keep his 0-24 LAIRD OF LOGAN. nest f'rae taking fire, an' its a' the same to him if Bonaparte an' a' his men were at Kilmacolm." To such a degree did the habit gain on our man of discount, that he used to say to a confidantj " Man, I wish every morning as it comes round, that I were a dog, for he has neither to shave his beard nor put on his claes !" LETTER FROM LITERARY BOB.* My wurthij and respected old Maister, If the past services of your late humble and affectionate loof-licker ever had any merit in your eyes, you will not be displeased if I trouble you with some account of myself, and u hat has fallen out since that melancholy morning we parted at the door of the " Salutation Inn." As for my new mais- ter, though a wee short in the temper whiles — yet if I may judge from my getting plenty o' sleep and plenty o' play. * The above letter is nlluded to in the memoir of the writer, Mr. Carrick— though beuiing the paw-mark of the faithful Bob. This intel- ligent animal seemed to apprehend the meaning of language, ^nd his earnest attention to the conversation of his acquaintances was often the subject of remark. A remarkable instance can be adduced of what we have said, ami attested by no less than six gentlemen. These had agreed, in Hob's presence, to start for Alloi by a coach, leaving the Tontine at nine in the morning, and proceed along the CumbernnuUl road. They afterwards changed their minds in his absence, however, and hired a carriage. After they had proceeded about seven miles, what was their astonishment at finding Hob returning with a carter, after having pone the first stage with the coach. On finding none to own him, the carter, who observed his master's name on his collar, w.as bringing him back : from this man they had the information, that he had fol- lowed the enach nine miles ; and on the guard inqniring if ho belonged to any one present, all declared that they did not know him. The ob- vious inference is, that Hob had understood the conversation of the pre- ceding day, and had resolved to form one of the party. lie was a lineal descendant of the late Duke of Hamilton's celebrated dog Paris, and his mother was of tlie Paul breed, well known in tliis city. It may also ho mentioned, that two nights before his untimely death, Mr. Motlierwell, who witoono of llie parly ahovealhided to, agreed to draw up an account of Hob's habits and peciiliaritics, and whicli w.as to have ni)peared in tliis volume; but death deprived the world of many things more con- genial to the e.xquisite gcniiis of our friend than the biograjihy of \wmi IMb. LAIRD OF LOGAN. itiS and sorit to bed .ivory night wi' my niiddio blown out liko a piper's bag, I think he is no ill pleased wi' my dog-service. In speaking o' sleep, you will no doubt think it strange, when you hear, that I now pass every night wi' the laud- lady's cat in my bosom ! — this, considering my former char- acter as a cat- worrier, is without doubt a wondrous change ; but send either man or beast on their travels, they are suro to pick up something by the way, though it should only be a bit scrap of experience ; and whatever I may have dono in time past, it is now my settled conviction, that the dog that would fight wi' a cat is the greatest fule that ever rau upon four legs. The fur of the creature is so soft, warm, and kindly, particularly to an elderly dog like me, whose coat is getting baith seedy and a little out at the elbows^ that I felt as happy the first night as I had been bedded among lamb's-wool ; besides, I discovered that the fleas I had brought with me from Gla.sgow were as much taken wi' the warmth of pussie's fur as myself; for I observed, in the grey o' the morning, my old lodgers on their march towards what they thought more comfortable quarters " Step out, ye nigcrs," thought I to mysel, "you're my own blood relations, and why should I prevent you from better- ing your situation?" for I've always thought, maister, that whenever frien's come to regard parting as a mutual advan- tage, the sooner they shake hands the better ; and on this occasion I consoled myself with the rellection, that though in future 1 might not keep so much company about me, I would feel more easy in my personal circumstances. As for Mrs. Puss, I saw her during the day very busy among the new-comers, and licking hersel frao neck to heel ; for cats, liko some of the human species, hae a wonderful deal of kindness and attention to beitow upon themselves when any thing happens to be the matter In respect to myself, I felt so relieved, and so well pleased at what had taken place, that 1 resolved never again to curl a lip at a cat while my namo remained Bob ; that none of the tribe should ever have reason to stick their sharps into any of my tender-bits 226 LAIRD OF LOGAN. or ever make my nose a pincushion, as it wore, for their nails, as long as, by a wag of my tail and a civil lick o' my tongue, I could make their fur a sort of Upper Canada for my superfluous population. But enough about cats ; we'll now, if you please, take a squint at the rabbits. I mentioned, that I was just as well off for play as I was for sleep ; but my favourite amusement is, when my new maister and I happen to take a stroll among the rabbits that burrow abune Kinfauns. There I trow there is sport to be seen ; then you may see me in full chase, with a dozen of these funny-looking creatures scud- ding before me, wi' their fuds cocked up and their lugs slouched, and looking altogether so droll, that he must be an older and a graver dog than 1 am, that can resist having a snap at them, not for the purpose of hurting them, but merely to get a grup o' the absurd comical- looking tufts they carry behind them, and so pull them out of their holes for a little diversion. These fuds or tufts, I may observe, though the most ludicrous looking objects about tiiom, they are sure to carry higher than any other part of their body. 'I'liis want of tact or self-knowledge, however, is riot peculiar to our frieu's at Kinfauns. Even among men, I've seen tliat such foibles or ludicrous points of character, whicli their prudence ought to conceal as being most obnoxious to ridi- cule, are generally the very things wliich, like the fud of the rabbit, are most flauntingly obtruded on public notice, and in consequence are eagerly snapped at by the waggish observer, for the purpose of drawing out the witless owner for the laughter and amusement of the onlookers. I admit, however, that my master always scolded on my returning from my frolics among the rabbits ; but as I knew that in his professional character he was as fond of having a snap and a laugh at passing aljsurdities as any one, I tliought it was just " sic dog, sic maister ;" so, after iieariiig his lecture, 1 turned up my snout, and giving a bark or two by way of reply, I scampered off to chase the swallows along the road- sido, LAiuD or loga:^. ^V Ilavuig said so much about rabbits, it wUl perhaps not bo out of place to Iiac a word or two about dogs. You'il ex- cuse me, uiy worthy old uiaistor ; but olleu, when 1 bavo heard jou and some of your fricn's descanting in John Anderson's* about our sagacity, I've wondered within iny- sel, at the small degree of knowledge you seemed to possess about dogs and dogs' ideas o' things; and often when you appeared to be forgetting yoursels a' thcgither on the sub- ject, I've gotten out frae aneath the table and barked, iu order to change the discourse, for fear there might be ony strange dogs within lug-length o' you, who might be whist- ling through their nose at your expense — a thing which I could not suffer, for I always wished that you and your friends should stand high among my fellow-dogs, as men of great learning and judgment ; for to be plain with you, among dogs as among men, every one is known by the coin- pany he keeps ; and so particular was I in this matter, that 1 could name respectable tailors in Glasgow, who would not hesitate to give a man credit for a coat, if they saw him on such a familiar footing with me as indicated an aciiuaintaneo of some standing. But what often vexed me more than any thing, was, when I heard you exjjressing astonishment at such trillos, as my being able to tell one man from another, by putting my nose to the calf of his leg ; dear me I mais- ter, must I tell you, that a dog's nose is like a gcrman flute, the more he practises it, the better acquainted he becomes with its powers, and the various keys and other sublilliesof which it is composed ; — but what am I saying ? Even medical science aidetl by ail the heartless atrocities of Jlajendie (1 speak as a dog), have as yet made but imper- fect advances towards a knowledge of its wonderful organ- isation. Of this, 1 must confess, I know as little as the merest puppy in the profession; but though thus ignorant of the internal construction of a dog's nose, 1 may be al- lowed to know something of its capabilities, and, in order that you may never again expose yourself in the pro^cnco * A liigLly re6pociuule tavuru uy pouito our rublUhcr*!. 223 LAIRD OF LOGAM, of any dog, in my absence, I will give you a little insight into the matter. To tell a beagle from a bailie, is what any messan can do, without consulting his nose on the sub- ject; but to distinguish one well-dressed person from aa other, or, for instance, a member of the late Town Council from one of the present, by merely nosing his calf, is, il seems with you, a very wonderful degree of sagacity. NoW) nothing I assure you, is more simple; a man's calf, to us, has always the savour of what he feeds upon ; and our re form councillors being all fed on plain citizen-faro, it pro- duces a kind of general identity to a dog's nose, which would have a very perplexing effect, were it not for the in- terference or counteraction of the subtilties here alluded to, which lead the more delicate organs on the trace or scent of individuality. Now, the Town Councillors, under the " old order of things," hoving just retired after a long course of high-feeding, such as venison, green fat, rich pasties, claret, and other fine-flavoured wines, their calves make a very different impression on our olfactory nerves, and make it just as easy for us to distinguish the calves that have " left office," from the calves that are " in office," as it would be for you to t(!ll a tallow candle from a scented taper ; ay, and a great deal more so, for believe me, niaister, in many cases wisdom on twa legs, is nae match for sagacity on four. Tliough I must confess, from the system of feeding, wliich I hear the new councillors have lately resorted to, the scent of their calves may soon approximate to that of their predecessors, in such a way as will go far to puzzle the dogs. You must understand, however, that what I have said, refers only to the dogs of the west ; as for tlio dogs in this quarter, they are in general a gude-for-naethiiig set of misleered curs, wi' noses as useless for any good purpose, as if they were made of burned cork ; indeed, from tiieir awk- wardness, I sometimes tliink they dinna ken wiiich is tlio nose-end of themselves, and they jabber our gurry wurry language wi' such a vile northern accent, that it often fashes me to understand them. They are very uncivil to strango r.Aini) OF LOGAN. 229 digs llial seem of a bettor quulit) tlian themsolyes ; but t'jis tliejF l.jarn from itieir raaisters, who think the best way 10 bcliavo to a stranger, is to lof>k as strange to liim a* possible. As for me, I've seen few dogs siru-e 1 came hero, tliat 1 wouhl be seen smelling a door-cheek wi' in the Tron- gate of Glasgow, where I've a cliaracter to support; and rather tlian make myself familiar with such as I see in ll'.is place, 1 prefer, when I have leisure, taking a seat at the door of Mr. Dewar, a worthy bibliopole, who is considered by our Glasgow friends here, as the sort of D R of Perth, a man kind and civil to beast and body, and as our aiii Professor Brown says, is a good judge of the human countenance, — has a face that looks as broad, free, and hospitable, as if it were an open table. Speaking of the Professor, there is some of his conduct of late that I canna understand vcrra weel. I see him sometimes when I'm passing, sit- ting at a umckle wide door, wi' a great big pewter-plate before him,* at least four times the size o' ony ho was ever used to, and neither spoon nor spoon-meat within smell o' him. Kow, it puzzles me, how a m.an of his good sense and shining talents, would sit a' day ahint a muokle toom dish, particularly, as I ken nane that deserves sae weel to liae a fu' ano. I have twa-three times gane up the steps, for the purpose of sitting down beside him, to lick his hand, by way of keeping up his spirits, and sympathising with him, on what to one of his social disposition cannot but be a deep affliction ; but he either mistakes my intention, or thinks that twa areower mony to sit a toom plate, however big it may be, for as soon as he sees me, he puts down his brows and taks up his stick, wi' such a look of deter- mined ill-nature, that I'm glad to keep my sympathy to mysel' and trot on my way in peace. Now, raaister, I'll conclude my long letter with a word about my own alfairs \N'hen you and my new governor were talking on the North Inch, 1 overheard you .speaking about buying me a brasi • llic rrofcssor is un KM' • in i!i. Knk. 230 LAtTiD OF tOGAW. collar ; now lliis would just be throwing awa' gude siHor, for really I've as little need o' a brass collar as your sark has for a side pouch, or a Hoganfield goose has for a corlc jacket; besides, a' the dogs would be makin' a fool of me, and crying, " there goes literary Bob as braw's Petticraw's bull when he got his cloots gilded." Consider, maister, what a snarling pack I hae to deal wi', and dinna raak a weel-tried frien' a laughing-stock in his auld days ; besides, wi' a collar about my neck, I couldna get sae cleverly at th^ fleas ; and as ye ken there is nae scarcity o' vermin about this place, strangers require to be on the alert to keep their ain wi' them, so, between you and me, a set o' new teeth would be of more use than a dozen brass collars : just let me have fair play with the enemy, and I will keep them in as good order as ever. Wishing you may be always able to tak your frien's by the hand, and your foes by the upper- lip, for these are twa o' the best grups I ken, — the one is familiar to you, and the other has often afforded me baith safety and satisfaction, — I remain, your humblu and devoted loof-licker. Bob. HIGULAND THIEVES. DuGAi.D M'Caul was a professed thief in the Highlands and sometimes took young lads into his service as appren- Mces to the same business. With one of these hopeful youth^ who had recently engaged with him, lie agreed one night to proceed upon an excursion ; the apprentice to steal a wedder, and Dugald himself to steal kale. It was also agreed that they should, after being in possession of their booty, meet in the kirk-yard, whore they were pretty sure of not being molested, as it got the name of being haunted by a ghost. Dugald, as may well be supposed, arrived first at the place of rendezvous, and, sitting on a grave-stone, amused himself with eating kale-custocks until the appren- tice should arrive with the wedder. In a neijrhbourinjr farm-house, a cri[)plG tailor happened to be at work, and tho LAIRD OF LOGAN. ?^ I conversation having turned upon the story of the Itirk-yard being h.iunlecl, the tailor boldly censured some young men I>resent, for not having the courage to go and speak to the supposed apparition, adding, that if he had the use of his limbs, he would have no hesitation in doing it himself. One of the young men, nettled at the tailor's remarks, proposed taking the tailor on his back to the kirk-yard; and, as the tailor could not well recede from what he had said, off they went. The moment they entered the kirk -yard, Dugald ISl'Caul saw them, and thinking it was the apprentice with a weddcr on bis back, he said, in a low tone of voice, as they approached him, " Is he fat ?" " Whether he be fat or k-an," cried the young man, " there he is to ye ;" and throw . ii)g down the tailor, ran off as hard as he could. On enter- ing the farm-house, to his utter a'^tonishment, he found the tailor close at his heels; intense fear having supplied him with the long.lost use of his limbs, which, it is said, he re- tained ever after. A SCOTCn MASON. TuE late Mr. Douglas of Cavers, in Roxburghshire, one day walked into Cavers churchyard, where hs saw a stone- mason busily engaged in carving an angel upon a grave- stone. Observing that the man was adorning the heavenly spirit, according to the costume of the age, with a grand flowing periwig, Mr. Douglas exclaimed to him, " In the name of wonder, who ever saw an angel with a wig ?" " And, in the name of wonder," answered the sculptor, " wha ever saw an angel without ane ?" A CONVF.NIEN'T ,).\ir,. Some time ago, one of the bailies, while visiting the jail of Lanai-k, found the prisoners at the time to consist of a poacher, who chose to reside there in preference to paying a fine, and a wild Irishman for fire-r.-xisiiig, who either was 232 LATTID OF I.OGAN. n?ad or pretended to be so. Tlie first visited was the poacher— "Weel Jock," says the magistrate, "I hope ye hae naething to complain o' your treatment here?"— " Naething but tlie noise that Irishman makes. I havena slept for the last twa nights, and I maun just tell ye, bailie, that if ye dinna fin' means to keep him quiet, I'll stay nae langer in ! " FACii-TlOUS CHAMBERMAID. •' Tell your mistress that I have torn the curtain," said & gentleman to a domestic of his lodging-house. " Very well, sir ; mistress will put it down to the rent." SMELLING STRONG OF THE SHOP. A COMMERCIAL traveller from a great Dyeing-house in Glasgow, wrote from Germany to his employers — " Elber- ffldt is a most beautiful valley, and has evidently been in- tended by Providence for Turkey-red yarn dyeing establish nients." SEA-BATHING EXTRAORDINARY. An honest shawl manufacturer from the Sneddon, whose travels before this summer had never extended beyond Dum- buck, or at farthest, Dumbarton, seriously bethought him- self of repairing to the coast, for the twofold purpose of bettering his health, and at the same time of gratifying his curiosity by a sight of the Regatta. Largs, he had indeed lieard, was nae better than it sliould bo, and that the honest folks tlicrc thought nae mair of taking a sail on the sabbath- day, than he would do of taking a web out of the loom on a Saturday ; yet all agreed it was bonny spot, and he had therefore made up his mind ti> journey thither, deemiusi, it of little importance who or what they were, or what they did. So resolved, Willie Walkinshaw stepped on board the I. A inn OF i.nnAN. 23 J Gleniffor, at the " Water-nub," and in due course of time (U-rived at Largs, where he soon succeeded in taking " a bit sma' room for thedouking." The weather being extremely hot, honest man ! he thought it advisable to lose no time in carrying into cflect his long premeditated design of dipping; and for this purpose " daunered awa' by tlie fisherman's hut," where he soon came to a place that he thought, from tlie " sma'ness of the chuckystanes, would do remarkably wcel.'- For fear of accidents, however (for he had never been in the sea before), Willie used the precaution of tak- ing soundings with his stick, and the water was any thing but deep ; he tried the temperature of it with his hand, and he declared " in a' his born days, he had never felt water sae het before." These preliminaries being settled, olT went coat, waistcoat, trowsers, and shirt ; and the salt- Rater was ju^t about to receive a dark, dirt-bebarkenod- looking figure, that had never before felt its purifying and refreshing influence, when a shriek, and a shout, and a short prayer from the wabster, announced that the sea has bub- bles as the land has, " and that is of them." This was no time however for moralising or dramatising — off hirpied Willie with all convenient speed, his hat on his head, and his " claes" under his arm, and never once looking round, until he conceived himself out of all possibility of dangor. There the clothes were hurried on — thence Willie hurried off — never was a poor being so terror-struck, or so trulv thankful on arriving safe at his own door-step. " Weel, Willie," was the landlady's salutation, " hae ye been in the water? ISIy troth yo havcna been lang about it! It's the like o' you should come to the salt-water ; but, wae's me, man, ye look ft-ightened like — what's the matter ? what's wrang? what's wrang ?" " What's wrangl" responded the kniglit of the treadles, " ye'se ne'er catch me douking again at Largs — it's no chancy — do ye ken I was just going to make an awfu' plunge in, when a head as black as a sing't sheep's head, covered wi' short woolly hair, and wi' teeth as white as the driven snaw, appeared aboon the water, girn- 234 lAIRD OF LOGAN. ing at me — hech me, I'm a' shaking when I think o't— thinks I, there's nae wonder the water's het wheu j-e're here, Sae aff 1 ran, and how I gat on my clacs, or how I gat here, I cannatell; but I'm convinced o' ae thing, that the. Deil has been douking this day at the Largs." " Oman, what ■A gouk ye maun be, Willie, as I should ca' you sae — I'se wager ye ony thing ye like, it has just been Mr. D.'s black servant douu bathing this warm forenoon." " Na, na, ho- nest woman, it may hao been the master o' him and o' many mae o' us ; but yon's no his servant or I'm deeply mista'en. — How much am I awn you ? for I'm going off the morn's morning again — nae mair douking at Largs for me." Suf- fice it to say, Willie kept his resolution ; nor could all the proof his landlady offered to bring forward in corrobora- tion of the truth of her conjecture, induce Willie Walkin- shaw to think otherwise than " that the gentleman who made the water sae warm that morning at Largs, must have come from a gey het place." PROOF AGAINST HEADACHE. An elderly gentleman travelling in a stage-coach, was amused by the constant fire of words kept up between two ladies. One of thorn at last kindly inquired if their conver- sation did not make his head ache, when he answered with a great deal of naivete, " No, ma'am, I have been married twenty-eight years." VOLnNTKERS ON SERVICE. The squadron of the Renfrewshire volunteers that had been raised in Paisley, were sent to do duty at Beith for a period of six weeks, with a view to drill and to acquire sol- dier-like habits and discipline. The Seestu ge?is d'armes being quartered on the town, those who could not receive them into their houses, were obliged to pay the usual billet money. Several of the public.houses accordingly became i-\iTin OF i.ooAV. 23S barrark-rooms, pro tcmporo, for many of those campaigners ; and at tliomoss of the subalterns, the following three toasts wore regularly given, and in the following orch r : — 1, " Our noMo soils ; and wha's like us? smash't a' an*-." '2. " 'I'iio Mritish army in Heitli." 3, " Our commanckr and maistcr, the King." A lawvf.r's rnAniTY. A POOR Irish barrister, who had more brains than briefs, had, from too social habits, lost his practice, and, by-and- by, his health ; consumption closing the record on him, and leaving nothing to defray the usual expenses attendant on interment. A warm hearted friend of the deceased, how- ever, set about raising a subscription amongst his acquain- tances, limiting the amount to a shilling each, so that every one might have an opportunity of contributing. Having accosted one of the brethren, who was wont to complain of too great an inr-rcase in the number of practitioners, the latter saluted him, with " What are you about now, witii that suspicious-looking green bag in your hand?" "You are aware, 1 suppose, of the death of our poor friend O'lliggins, and without a cross to bury him ; so you must give me a shilling, to help to buy a turf to cover all that's left of him here." "Poor soul I and is it true? well I'll see what 1 have; troth, and I find, after searching my pockets, that I have not a shilling in any of the pockets about my body; but there's a pound-note for you, and bury twenty when you are at it." WILL SPEIR AND THE BKITH TAILORS. Will Speir was accustomed to assist the beadle of the church whereof he was an unworthy member, in the dis- ciiarge of some of the less irajjortanl functions of his office. On one occasion, during sermon, a fight took place between two strong collies in one of the aisles, which interrupted tb« 236 LAIRD OF LOGAN service for a time. Will ran to the scene of riot, and ho. labouring the belligerents Mith a stick, exclaimed, " If you would pay mair attention to what the minister's saying to you, it would be muckle better for you than tearing your tousy jackets at that gait— tak better care o' your clacs, you lilockheads, there's no a tailor in Beith can either mend thae, or mak new anes to you when they're done." A PROMISK TO BALAXCK ACCODNT8. Will Speir having occasion to cross a bridge where a penny toll was exacted for foot passengers, pleaded poverty, and begged to be allowed to pass free. The tollman was inexorable. Will persisted, " Weel, I canna pay you." " You cannot pass, then." " Maun I staun still here like ane o' the stoops o' your yett ?" " Yes, or return the way you came, or beg a penny for the toll." " Gang back ! you gouk," said Will, " would ganging back hain your brig, would it no wear't just as muckle as my coming alangst it did — I hinna time to gang back the noo — there's your penny to you, man ; an' the neist time I come this way, I'll gang a hail day on't atween the inside o' the yett there and the tither end, and tak' my pennyworth out o' your brig." DIFFICULTY OF RAISING TnE WIND. The proverb, " The drunken man aye gets the drunken penny," was probably never so truly verified, as in the case of two tipplers in Lochwinnoch. They had exhausted funds and credit, yet still they might be seen describing right angles in their course towards home. One day, having failed in all their schemes for raising the uecessary funds, " Gang awa in, Peter," said John, "and see gin they'll gio us credit for a gill." " Na, John, wad it no be likelier that ye wad get it, ye'ro far better acquaint?" "It would bn useless," rci)rR'd John, " I'm owcr weel keiit." LAIRD OF LOGAN. 237 TUE BETOKT COURTEOD8. At a lato election for Perthshire, Sir John Campbell soli- cited a Mr. M'Grcgor, to uso liis influence with his son, to <^lve his vote for Sir George Murray. Old M'Gregor said it was useless, as his son had pledged himself to support the opposite party ; at which Sir John gave expression to his displeasure, by saying, " He was not a true M'Gregor, there was some bad bluod in him." " I wouldna doubt but there is," replied the old man, " for his mother was a Campbell." uu;hlandman and the gas. A lIiGULANDMAN took ii[) liis quarters in a hotel in Glasffow, and was shown into a I)t'd-rooni li-'htod with gas. Donald being fearful of robber.s, and wisliing to siuip under a strong light, that, as the Irishman would say, ho might seo while he was asleep, he allowed the gas to l)nrn until the dawn. Next morning the landlady in(inired wiiether ho had enjoyed a good night's rest? "I could not sleep a moment for your abomination kass smell." " You .should have stopjied it, sir, or called the servant to doit." "And did I'll jiot blow't out? but it was a great deal more worse than before.' A CLERICAL ANTIQUAKV. 'i'liH late Kev. Mr. L. of L. (who was not more distin- guished for his theological attainments than for his spright- ly wit), in the course of one of his forenoon lectures, read that passage in 1st Kings, which relates the expedient em- ployed by Jeroboam for preventing the tribes who adhered to him from going up to Jerusalem to worship, by setting np two golden calves, one in Hethel and the other in Dan, " These," said the leetunr, " are the first Chapels of Fasa lii;it ever were erected. " 238 LAIUD OF LOGAN. A WORD IN SEASON. Mr. L. bad occasion, one sabbath, to supply the pnlpit of a neighbouring brother, whose wife was distinguished for her extreme parsimony. On being asked, next morning, by the hospitable lady of the manse, if he would eat an egg for breakfast, ho replied, "' Yes, madam, I always eat one vvlien I cannot get two." A MARRIAGE BELL. A MINISTER of Lochwinnoch, in the middle of the last conlury, had a son who was in the habit of playing off a number of practical jokes on his father and his parishioners. On one occasion, a bashful couple had resolved to wear the bands imposed by "luckless Hymen," and had pro- ceeded by different routes to the manse, so that the matter might as ranch as possible remain a profound secret. This became known to the witty wag, who with all speed re- paired to the church-bell, and rang a fire-toll, which speedily brought a multitude to the kirk-yard, inquiring, " Where is the fire ?" " At the manse," he replied, " Haste ! haste to the manse !" They immediately repair- ed thither, and arrived just as the indissoluble knot had re- ceived the pastor's blessing. The joke was instantly per- ceived, and the nuptials of the blate couple were announced to the whole village by the cheers and shouts of several hundreds. A niOIILAXU K'JIIO. In the course of last summer, some strangers of distinc- tion were induced to visit a wild and unfrequented rcstreat in a distant part of the Highlands, chiefly from t!ie report tiiey heard of an echo, remarkable for the clear and distinct nature of its reverberation. On reaching the spot from whcncp the trial of its powers Is usually LAIRD OF LOO AN. 239 maile, lliLir guide put his liand to the side of his mouth, and bawled out with the lungs of a stentor, a siihitation in f.';ilic, which was repeated with a preci- sion tliat seemed hcj'ond tho expectations of the party. One of the gentlemen, by way of trying tho strength of his voice, put liis hand to the side of iiis mouth, in tho same manner of the guide, antl called out, "How far are we from home?" These words, much to the surprise of their con- ductor, were also repeated, when poor Donald, with a sim- plicity which brought a smile over the features of all pre- sent, observed, "You may think it strange, gentlemen, but this is the first time I ever heard our echo speak English." " I have no doubt," said the gentleman, "but it can repeat other languages if put it to iiie test," and instantly bawled onl some brief questions in French, Spanish, and Italian. Donald looked more bewildered than ever. " Wcel, I mu:>t say, that's very queer ; my own father, and my own self, have known that echo for more than seventy years, and we never knew it use no language but the Gailic language be- fore." " Your echo is more learned, then, than you sup- posed," said the gentleman, laughing, though at a loss whether to impute Donald's remarks to archness or simpli- <'ity. " You may say that, but can you tell me, sir," said the poor fellow, with an expression of earnestness, that appeared highly amusing to those present, " as the echo has never been out of the country, where can she have got all her education ?" CARniCR. THE COCK OF THI'. CnMPANY. Happily the day is gone by, when he was cock of the walk who could pocket his tenth tumbler and keep possession of liis chair ; and he was the best qualified to bo an elder in (he church who could l)est comport himself under heavy draughts, from the inebriating bowl. If stomach tests ob- taiiii'il in the direct ii)n of the church's afTaim, miich more did 240 LAHtD OF LOGAN. they amongst the directors of the body politic. Before a deacou of any of our corporations could obtain the highest honour in the master-court, ho Iiad a cuiu-ioulum of season- ing to undergo of at least five successive years ; and if he survived the experiment, he was passed as a seasoned cask — " nae danger noo o' his springin' a leggiu' girr, he's a piece o' weel seasoned timmer." Amongst the Justices of Peace in the comitry, when any political occasion brought them together, incredible feats of drinking were sometimes performed. At a meeting of Justices, held at the Duehal, county of Renfrew, on the occasion of a militia conscription, the business was wound up by dinner, followed by a deep bouse, which continued until morning ; and one after another of the party was obliged to be carried to bed. Hamilton of Bar refused all assistance to be removed, and slept in the dining-room, the scene of drinking. In the morning, claiming victory, he shouted, " He's tJie best cock tiiat keeps the field." THE SICK MINISTER. A VENERABLE diviue, who, in his day and generation, was remarkable for his primitive and abstinent mode of life, at length fell sick, and was visited by a kind-hearted lady from a neighbouring parish. On her proposing to make some beef tea, ho inquired wiiat it was ; and being informcil ho promised to drink it at his usual dinner hour. The soup was accordingly made in the most approved manner, and the lady went liomo, directing him to drink a quantity every day until her return. This occurred a i'exv days afterwards, when the lady was surprised to see the beef-tea almost un- diinuiished, and to hear it denounced by the worthy clergy- man as the worst thing he liad ever tasted, She determin- ed to try it herself, and having heated a small quantity, pronounced it excellent. " Ay, ay," quoth the divine, "it may drink well enough tliat way, but try it wi' tlie sugar and cream as i did." I,AIKD <>T I.OCAM. 241 'M •"AYE THE AnLT> 6COTH8H KAII, nnoSE. The late Dr. Cleghorn resided for a few years precedinn his decease, in his beautiful villa in the immediate neigh- boiirhood of Rutherglcn, and drove into Glasgow, the scene of his labours, every morning As ho passed, the Doctor noticed a i-emarkably fine healthy-looking boy, with a sunny cheerfulness of aspect, regularly attending a single cow by the roadside, which appeared not to be in such good condi- tion as her guardian. The man of prescriptive right chose one beautiful morning to walk into the city, with gold-headed cane and rose stuck in coat lapol — which emblem of the bloom of health constantly adorned the breast of him who often interpreted the duration of the running of the sands of life — and, coming up, he entered into conversation with the boy. " Well," said he, " my young man, you seem always to be remarkably cheer- ful ; do you ever weary in such monotonous employ- ment ?" " Weary !" replied m;i5ter bonnet and club, "what guid wnd wearying do toiuc? 1 maun wait till the R 342 LAIRD or LOGAN. cow's time to gang hame, weary or no." " What," con tinued the Doctor, " do you get for breakfast, that gives you such a rosy face?" " Get ! what should 1 get but parntch, to be sure ?" '* Ay, and what for dinner ?" " Parritcli, sin' ye maun liae't." "Some change for supper, surely, my little hero ?" " Just parritch too, and glad to see them a' times o' the day." " Is it possible," remarked the Doctor, " that you feed on nothing but paiTitch morning, noon, and night ?" At this point of the conversation, an accjuaintance of the patron of parritch pa.ssed, to whom he called out — " Losh man, Jock, here's a man thinks every day a New'r- day I" CAPTAIN JONES. The iate Capt. Jones of the Mountaineer, which at pre- sent trades between the port of London and Demerara, was Avell known in our western port, Greenock, as perhaps one of the most spirited and skili'ul navigator.s that have plough- ed the Atlantic wave, for the last half century. " Firm as a rock in strife or storm, he stood the quarter dock." Jones sailed the Glenbervie from Greenock to Demerara, for nearly twenty years, and in that time wore more canvass than any two ships of the same burthen. While other commanders were reefing their sheeting, preparing for the indicated tempest, the master of the Glenbervie, on the contiary, was unl'urling his canvass, to prove the strength of his timbers, and the texture of the Dundee fabrics. " Come away, my lads," would he say, "it is as well to go to the bottom at the rate of twelve knots an hour as eight." The Captain resigned command of the Glenbervie about two years ])receding his melancholy decease, and superin- tended at Greenock the building of the Mountaineer, in which Messrs Anderson :iiid Siuifh and hiinsolf wore part- ners. The Umbers of the weather-beaten tar had suffered in the fearless exposure of himself in all weathers, and chances on i.AiRi) or r.of.A;.- 2<3 the field of his deck, and war with the waves for such along period, that a severe illness obliged him to cast anchor in his parlour for a considerable period, until the surgeon should make the necessary repairs ; when, recovering from this attack, he wrote a letter to a friend in Glasgow, which - give as characteristic of the humorous seaman: — " Greenock, " Dear FRreNn, •'I AM longing much to see you, and wondering what hay become of you for such a length of time, you may surelj come this far to see an old hove down tar. I am once morij on my legs, and am able to take my porridge in the morning hut still very weak and unable to go out. My carpenter seems to thiuk tliey have made a good job of me, and that I will soon again be as good as any new craft in the Clyde, and have no dilhculty in being placed in the first letter once more, so that the Mountaineer and I shall have a fair start. The ship must of course be insured at Lloyd's, and 1 ti)iiik the best insurance for me will be to get spliced. I do not mean to sheer off any longer ; what is the use of my throw- ing all canvass aback to avoid an engagement, when I really mean at last to come to action ? No, I will go and give Miss G a broadside, and see if she will bless me with a berth between the decks of her heart. Now is the time ti> launch into the matrimonial world, when both the ship and I are A. 1. I am staunch enough to bear a gale in the bay of contradiction, but of that I have little to fear. I shall push in, and you shall soon hear of my being safely moored in the harbour of matrimony. I shall then let the wife keep the keys of the prop, as it niakea the understanding reel ; it is slow poison some say, (very slow, as Tom Finlayson said, for this reason, that Ik- had taken it for 40 years, and was not poisoned yet), and it rakes the planks of t'ne constitution so much, that all the sheathing in the world will never make them tight again. However just you come down on Saturday, and f;et a blow out of labi^couso and pcpperpot, niul I will tell you nil about it. — I am, ••J. j;' 244 LAIRD OF LOGAN. The captain's great ambition was to have his vessel a perfect model in her architecture, and as sound at bottom as oak iu the forest with rooted anchorage in the bowels of mother earth. "Watchiugthe carpenter's progress, morning, noon, and night — not a plank of a suspicious look would he permit to be fastened, or joining that was not likely to stand the ordinary commotions of the great deep. The commander of the Mountaineer was only permitted to navigate the pride of his heart and eye to Demerara, and back to London ; unable, indeed, part of the homeward passage, to take the usual charge. The direction of the idol IMountaineer was obliged to be given to another, which, alas 1 Jones was never after to resume. Captain Jones slipped cable from his last mooring, and launched into the great ocean of the Future, in the spring of 1836, and only about two months after the date of the following letter addressed to our publisher : — " London, 13tli Feb., 1836. " IMv Dear David, —No doubt but you have heard long ere this, of my misfortune, being taken very ill on my ar- rival here, with inflammation of the lungs, having caught a severe cold on my passage home. I have been confined to my bed and room since — have been hove down and sur- veyed by two of the first carpenters in the port ; in their report, they stated that my timbers were all sound and free from decay, but that my ceiling inside was far gone, and must be all removed, before I could be sea-wortliy again. My head carpenter was a Mr. EUiotson, whom I paid off after ho had completed his survey. I thought him an unco dear tradesman, for ho charged four guineas, which is the general charge for surveying mid crafts — it was just the very sum that I paid Lloyd's agent for surveying the Mountaineer. 1 have only one man at work now, and am much afraid it will lake him along time before he completes the job, so as to make me sea-worthy. I feel much better from what has been done, but still very frail, and not able to carry any canvas yet, but I expect to be under full f.ail ore long- when I shall shape my course for Cheltpuham. LAlItU UP LOliAN. 215 to sue wliat kiud of carpcntu'r.s the)' li;ivo there; from thcucu to Scotland, my ain dear country, where I shall Iced and fatten on porridge and milk, and be ready to go to sea again when the Mountaineer returns — this is the course I am at present shaping — time will tell what is to take place. 1 must remain where I am, in the mean time, till the job is completed, be it long or short. We had to employ another to command for the present voyage. Man, it hurt me sore to give her to a stranger, but life was at stake — she lol't this a week ago. I had a letter from her noble comman- der this morning, informing me of her being in Portsmouth ; that is a long way from Demerara. I am much afraid that ho will learn her bad tricks, turning her into creeks and corner.';, like a miller's horse. "Tell my friends that I intend to have a crack with them ere long, that I have been hove down and scuttled several times — this was to let the bilge water out of the after peak, which eased me greatly. Compliments to Mr. Lyon and Mr. Spiers ; tell the little doctor I shall be at him yet. I e.xpect to be at the hotch-potch in John Ander- son's next season. Should you meet >Villy Warren, tell him that I am undergoing heavy repairs, such as the old Glenbcrvie had some years ago. " I remain, my dear David, "Sincerely yours, •JuUN Jones." " P.S. — You will observe, that 1 am keeping up my spirits through thick and thin, although my grog has been stopped for the lust three weeks — bad go lor poor Jack ! OVERL.VNU JOUIl.NEY TO DEMEH.VUA Captain Jones had at one time two young Sawneys, passengers, going o-.it to act as overseers, in the colony of Demerara. The vessel had scarcely cleared Toward Toiat, when tlin two "hows-a'-wi" yc's" became sea-sick, and liad to bctaJte 246 t,AIRD OP LOGAN. themselves to their berths. The weather was very stormy, and the Glenbervie made little way for some days — she kept tacking and beating about in the channel. The two, who were under-seers during this time, taking it for granted, from the tremendous pitching of the vessel, that she must be making way at a prodigious rate, called out to the Cap. tain one morning, when the ship was just off Lamlash Bay, " I say, Captain, are we at Madeira yet ? because, ye see, we want to be pitten out there, and we'll gang the rest o't every fit." THE ROUTE HOME. The two young Northerns in the preceding anecdote, who had a decided predilection for a laud instead of a sea passage, were overheard one day in the act of leaning over the bulwarks of the vessel, when the Glenbervie was making her way through a sea placid as glass, arranging about the best route home — " What I mean to do, Jock, is this: whan I raak' siller, and gaun hame again, is just to gang up through America — haudin aye north, till I come to Hudson's Bay, and then cross the Ferry to John O'Groat's, when I may say I'm at my aiii door." " Waesuck, manl" "is that a' ye ken about the place we're gaun to ? — it disnti lie that airt ava — Demerara's an island on the Continent ; and wo hae naething mair to do than just to step our wa's doun tlu'ough Spain, and France, and Portingal, and in through the back o' Ireland — syne east to Donaghadeo — and we hae a shorter ferry to cross there, than frae Hudson's Bay to John O'Groat's." POraLAtt PUKACHINO. No exhibition of a public nature is so oflensive or unbt coming, as showing off in tho pulpit. " It is," as Dr. Chalmers said, in liis first sermon in the Tron Church. GWisgow, "a sight that inigiit make angels weep, to see LAIKU OF LUCAN. '247 your clerical coxcombs como strutting but from the sciiouis of philosophy, vapouring before their Maker ;" and yet, what pleases and sets a-gapo the mob members of our churchos, botli in Estabiishmunt and Dissent, more than (lash — roaring, as if the lungs of the speaker had undergone the process of tanning. These are your members who value tho vegetable from the breadth of its leaf, and to whom the cabbage is the most valuable of plants. Two persons of this class went into a church in Leith one evening, to hear sermon ; on coming out, the discourse that they iiad been hearing, of course, became the subject of remark. "He's a gey frail duel that; hech but he's feckless." " Man," said the other, " yo hao hit it ; poor man, he cainia put his licht under a bushel, for he has nane to put there." And who, reader, was the preacher? Dr. CJordon 1 A country woman, whilst on a visit to a large manufac- turing town in tiio west, went to hear a celebrated divine, whoso field of labour lay there, and whose fame had often been sounded in the ears of the worthy dame. On her re- turn, she was asked her opinion of " The star of the west," as he is often called. "Oil," said she, "he's a wonderfu' preacher — a great preacher." "Well, well, that's all true," said tho other, " but what do you think of his views of doctrinal points, and his powers of expounding the scrip, tures?" " Oh," said tho worthy critic, " 1 dinna ken ; but lie's just a wonderfu' man " " liut what did he say ? " " Oh, he just gaed on, and gaed on, and chappit on the Bible, and raised his twa hands abunc his head, and then gaed on again, and gaed on again, and then he swat and rubbit his brow, and whan ho stoppit, ho looked as if he could have said mair than whan he began — oh, he's a wonderfu' grand preacher!" A ycorcu nKocAR. llAiJ Hamilton was a regular Scotchman in his manner of address — moving round tho object instead of making 248 LAIRD OF LOGAN. directly towai'ds it, rather lookiug away from tiian at it, yet lieeping a corner of his eye distinctly on it. If he happened to be in the presence of gentlemen who often invited him to take a dram, for the purpose of drawing him out, he would pretend to hear silver fall on the floor. "What's tat—deed is't — surely it was the gingling sound o' a shilling on the carpet — as sure's death, deed is't ; but I dinna see't on the carpet — no — but ye can just gie me anither — I'm saying, deed is't, and you'll get it yoursel' after I'm awa." COURTING FOR CAKE AND PUDDING. Rab Hamilton was on regular visiting terms witli the Meg Dodses of Kilmarnock, and never failed to become due in his calls, at times when fragments from the dinner table were likely to be had. One day Rab was coming out the entry from a gentleman's house, loaded with unpicked bones, when a dog was attracted to the spoil, and addressed his petition to Rab for a share, Avith lick-lip language and fond looks, enforced by appropriate gesture of the tail ; but Rab was inexorable, "Na, na," said Rab, " gae awa and court the cook as I did." THE CHURCH IN DANGER. The mode of levying fines on offender3 against the laws of the church, in some of the Highland parochial districts consists in the exaction of a certain amount of manual labour, in proportion to the aggravation of the offence. The kind of labour generally imposed, is the keeping the roofs of church and manse weather-proof, by means of thatch, con- sisting of heather ; and the ijuantity required to bo furnished is graduated according to the nature of the offence, and the distance of the oll'ender's residence from the cliurch. In one of the more remote districts of the Western Highlands the pun- ishment was ciianged, and money substituted: tliis, however, I.AIRD OF LOGAN. 249 was soon found to be no improvement upon the former sys- toni, as it neither diminished crime, nor augmented the ex- chequer of the cliurch. The roof of the building was conse- quently allowed to fall into disrepair, the rain entering at different places. One day, in particular, a very heavy drop had found its way through, directly over the head of the min- ister, to the great annoyance of his reverence, who, at the conclusion of his sermon, intimated a meeting of Session [oliice-hearers in the church], to be held after the dismissal of the congregation, on particular matters. The Session being duly constituted, the moderator introduced the business thus : — " My bretliren, ever since the now law came into the parish there has been as much offence against our church as ever; and, moreover, the house itself is all coming down with wet, and nothing can be got by fine to keep it in repair — my own Dible this very day is almost destroyed, I have tried to get tho landlords in the parish to repair our church, but every one of them sa)'s his neighbour ought to do it, and no one ever docs it. Now, I'll just lay the matter before you, and hear what you'll say." " Very well, minister," said a member of Session, " it was always my opinion of your new law that it would come to this ; and nothing but the law as it was before will do ; and I move now, that it is to be as it was." Other three members, being all that were pre- sent, concurred with the mover, the old practice was forth- with ordered to be restored, and the deliverance of the court to that eflect, given to the beadle, with instructions to inti- mate the same at the dismissal of the congregation on the fol- lowing Sabbath. When the appointed time came, John took up his station at tlie outside of the gateway to the church- yard, and sounded his bell— ling tal ling — tal ling, tal ling — lingle lingle, ling tal ling : — " This is to let you all give notice, that the church is going to ruin and desperation since ever the new law was made, and that from this time future, and forever, all siu, abomination, impudence, or any thing whatever, against the rule of our own cliurch, to bo slmst as it was before, and the church do well, and no change 250 /.AIRD OF I.OGAN. no more uuw, at the auld price, shiist one or moro back- fuls of heather, and theck them yourself." NOTICE TO HIGHLAND CUSTOMERS. The following intimation was some time ago copied by the writer, from a placard on the walls of the lobby of the inu at the head of Loch-Suinart, " Notice — No person will get credit for wiiislcy, in this house, but those that pay money down." EPITAPH IN A CHURCHYARD IN INVERNESS-SHIRK. " Here lies below poor old Coghead, As passing by some one may say ; His constant maxim he did ever prove, — An honest man's the noblest work of God." It was not himself, but his son, that raised this monument to his memory." COQUETTING EXTRAORDINARY Some little time ago, a pair of turtles, seemingly anxioui to become united in the silken bands of wedlock, made their appearance before one of the city clergymen in Glasgow, who, finding the requisite certificates all right, proceeded with the ceremony till ho came to that part of it where the question is put to the bridegroom, if lie " is willing to take this woman to be his wife?" To this necessary query the man, after a considerable hesitation, answered, " No." " No !" said the minister, with a look of surprise, " for what reason ?" " Just," said tho poor embarrassed simple- ton, looking round for tlie door, " because I've ta'en a scun ner [disgust] at her." On this, tho ceremony, to the evi- dent mortification of the fair one, was broken off, and tho parties retired. A few days aftci-, however, tiioy again [»re- souted themselves before liis reverence ; aud tlio fastidi()u.i LAIUI) OV LOGAN. 'l!j\ bridegroom havinjj declared that lie had got over his objec- tion, the ceremony wu3 again commouced, and procecdid mthout interruption, till a question similar to the above was. put to the bride, when she in her turn replied by a negative. " What is the meaning of all this ?" said the clergyman, evidently displeased at the foolish trilling of the parties. " Oh naething ava," said the blushing damsel, tossing her hend with an air of resentment, "only I've just ta'en a scunner at him !" The two again retired to their lonely pillows; and lonely it would seem they had found them, for the reverend gentleman on coming out of his house the fol- lowing morning, mot the foolish couple once more on their way to solicit his services. " It's a' made up noo," said the smiling fair one. " Oh yes," said her intended, " it's a' settled noo, and we want you to marry us as soon as possi- ble " " I will do no such thing," was the gravo and start- ling reply to the impatient request. "What for?" cried the fickle pair, speaking together in a tone of mingled sur- prise and disappointment. " Oh naething ava," said his Reverence, passing on his way, " but I've just ta'en a scun- ner at ye baith." A DISCONSOLATE WIDQ-W. A CERTAIN couple had trudged on together in the pil- grimage of life for about a quarter of a century ; but Ellie, the weaker vessel, instead of being a help meet for her hus- band, was cross-grained, and always seated herself on the cross-benches when any domestic bill was brought in by the head of t)te house ; even in the uphill pulls of life she was apt to put on "the drag" on the laudable e.xertionsof John. Tho connection at last was abruptly terminated by John's death, who was drowned in attempting to cross a ford when the river was swollen. Tho wife, as may be conceived, was inconsolable, and went to her father, a crusty old cake as over was fired in the oven of social lite: " Father, my man's drowned I John's dead ! and I'll never marry again in this 252 LAIRD OF I.OOAN. world, uever, oh me 1" " Saf us !" quoth old crusty, " wilt thou no haud thy tongue ? — you're unco soon ihiuking about it — wha's seeking thee ?" SELF-KIGHTEOUSNESS REPROVED. The late Dr. Risk of Dalserf, was no less celebrated for his solid learning, than for his urbanity and ready wit ; but being one of the moderates, as they are tei'med, some of the evangelical portion of his congregation were not al- together satisfied with his exhibitions in the pulpit ; and, accordingly, a meeting was called, with the view of convers- ing with their venerable pastor, and remonstrating with him on the subject. Fcr this purpose, two or three, considered as qualified judges, were deputed from the whole body. The night on which they came to the manse, happened to be one of the most wet and stormy ^vhich had been witnessed during the whole season. When the rap was heard at the door, the minister having been previously apijrised of their intention, went to meet them himself, but at the same time took care not to permit tliem to enter. The first congra- tulations having passed, the reverend doctor asked what they might be wanting with him ? They said, that they had " come to converse with him." " Upon what subject ?" said the doctor. " About your preaching, sir," was the reply. " About my preaching I what have you to do with my preachhig ?" " Why, sir, we think ye dinna tell us enough about renouncing our ain righteousness." " Renouncing your ain righteousness I" said the doctor ; " I never saw any ye had to renounce." A MEMBER OE SESSION. The same Rev. gentleman would never submit to the dicta of a Session, and, accordingly, represented and dis- charged all the duties of minister and cider in his own per- son. On a certaiu occasion, he was riding i'rom home, and LATTID OP LOOAN. 2M was uiiwittinply followed by a bull stirk, which kept olosc by the heels of his horse. A counlrymiin, noticing the rir- cuinstancc, slyly observed, as the minister was passing him — " I'm thinking ye'll be gaun to the Presbytery to-day, sir?" " What makes you think that ?" replied the doctor. "Just because ye hae got your ruling elder ahint ye. " MUCH nETWEEN THE CCP AND TnK LIP. TiiE noted smuggling of brandy, and other r.xciseable tommodities, quaintly termed the " ninning trade," which arose on the union of the two kingdoms, in the beginning of the last century, was long a source of keen and paramount pursuit on the western shores of Scotland. This adventur- ous traflic, carried on through the singular immunities of the Isle of Man, was calculated in no ordinary d-'gr^e to elicit many of the deeper energies of those engaged in it, as well as to produce scenes of the most ludicrous and grotesque nature in their uncczising warfare with the guardians of the public revenue. The following seems a happy specimen of the self-possession and intrepid spirit which marked the character of those lawless vagrants of the deep. The se- questered promontory on which the old castle of Portincross stands, a few miles below Largs, was, it seems, their fa- vourite resort, and the neighbouring inhabitants wore of course generally interested in the trade ; many of them being fishers, were employed in the winter season, with their boats, by the " Man.x dealers," to bring over "gear." One i>f those boat men returning with his cargo under cover of niglv* was quietly approaching the rock, when he perceived some individuals standing whom he conceived tobe his friends on the look-out to aid him : under this impression, he rather hastily throw them a rope to take hold of. No sooner, how- ever, had he done so, than ho perceived his untoward mis- take — it was the Exciseman himself who had secured the prize 1 The two /ere well known to each other, and the officer, conceiving himself sure of his game, ironically ox- 254 LAIRD OF LOGAN. claimcfl — " Wpol, Jolmnv, I trow I hae gotten theo now." But Johnny, witli a presence of mind which the vain-glori- ous ganger was by no means prepared for, instantly cut the rope, and pushing off, dryly retorted, " Na, na, Mr. IVluir, ye hae gotten the tether, but ye hae na gotten the cow yet." AN IRISH DEBT. The late Sir Walter .Scott, meeting an Irish beggar in the street, who importuned him for si.'ipence, tha then Great Unknown not having one, gave him a .shilling, adding %\-ith a laugh, " Now, remember you owe me sixpence." " Och, sure enough," said the beggar, " and God grant yon may live till I pay you." PAYING IN COIN. A PEDLAR halted at a public-house in the country, and at the landlady's request displayed nearly every article in his pack, for her examination. This he did cheerfully expecting that a large purchase would be made. On in- quiring what article the landlady would like to buy, she coolly replied, " Hoot, I dinna want to buy ony thing, I merely wanted a sight o' them." " I'm sorry ye'll no buy," said the pedlar, " but never mind, let's see half-a-mutchkin o" your best whisky." The stoup was instantly filled, and a voluntary piece of oaten cake placed bo.'^.ide it on the .server. Tiie pedlar kept warming himself at a brisk fire, and crumping the gratis cakes, while the landlady was iillowcd in courtesy to help herself and some female gossips who had also been inspectors of the pack, to a tasting of the blue; Iiaving drunk iiis health and guide sale to him, she filled up the glass and handed it to him. " Na, na," said he, " 1 want nane o' your whisky, I only asked ye for a sight o't 1" — .so saying, ho tighteuod his strap, and set off on the tramp. I,A1U1» or I.oi; '. V UlCULAND ACCOMJIODATION. A WORTHY old lligulandcr went to his minister ono night in great anxiety, and wislieJ the man of consolation to como and see his wife, whom ho represented as just at the point of death. 'I'iio clergyman happened to be oni^aged with some friends, and told Donald that he could not get away at present, but that ho would see Janet as early as possible next morning. "Very well," said Donald, " I'll just go iiomo and tell Janet that she must not die before you come '" THE LKTTF.R OF TDE I.AW. The manse of Gargunnock, some half-ccntury ago, was " weel kont amang the members o' the Presbytery, to hac a' tho guid things o' tho season on the dinner-table upon Sacramental occasions," as Samuel Shool tlie iiellman used to boast ; and the neighbours believed Samuel, for he gen- erally camo in for a due share o" " what was loft," from the generous-hearted mistress of tho manse, on the Tuesday after tho preachings. Honest Samuel was fond of relating atiy thing to the credit of his benefactress in the manse: — *' 1 mind," said he, on one occasion, " ae Sabbath morning at the summer preach- ings, mair than thirty years sin', — a sad pickle that tlie mistress was in because Butty M'Quat had forgotten to howk some early potatoes on the Saturday night, for pota- toes were a great rarity at the time — what was to be doncV Betty was like to gae through the yirth about it ; and quo' she, ' Mistress, I'll just take the grape and slip out and howk a whcen — naobody will ken ; and gif it come to the minister's hearing, I'll take the .sin and blame o't on mysel." ' Na, na, Betty, since I maun hae the rarity at the dinner this day, just gang awa out and pouter a few frae the roots o' tho shaws wi' your hands — take nae graip wi' ye — use nac warkloom made by tho hand o' man on the Day o" Rest ; gif the minii'tcr sets on me about it. Ill just tell him 256 LAIRD OF LOGAN. tiiat we only pouter'd them out the drill, there wasna a graip shank in the hand o' onj' body about the house — surely a body may use their fingers without being found fau't wi'." LOGAN AND THE AYR VOLUNTEERS. At the time of the threatened invasion, when every little hamlet in the country was furnishing its quota of volunteers, a certain warlike Bailie met Logan in Ayr, and asked him, why he was not e.xerting himself to rouse the people of Cum- nock to become volunteers. " Ne'er fash your thumb, Bailie." said the Laird, " there will be nae scarcity o' vol- unteers at Cumnock, for if the French was ance landed at Ayr, we'll hae you and mao o' your volunteers up amang us than we'll ken how to gie hidings to " KILMARNOCK. THIEVES. During the time Wombwell was exhibiting his extensive and varied collection of live stock to the natives of Kilmar- nock, some of the bird-fanciers of the place had taken a fancy to a lot of Chinese sparrows, which they soon managed to purloin from the very centre of the exhibition, with a dexterity scarcely to be excelled by the most expert family men of the metropolis. Wombwell, after hearing the cir- cumstance, was lamenting the loss to big Joe, one of his confidential assistants, and asking his advice. " My advice, master," said Joe, " is to get away from a town, as soon as possible, where the incomings will not pay the outgoings; ;ind after what has happened, I should not wonder if such fellows would make olT with the elephant's trunk, or pick the kangaroo's pocket of her whole family." ^ OIK.Vr WIFK. A WEAVER from Elderslio happening lately to bo in a public-house in Johnstone, :u\ English tradesman was pre- LAIKU OK LOUAN. 257 lent, who wiis boii-stiiig lo :iiii>tliL-r pi-i'.Mut tli.il lie- had got quit of Ills wilo by helling licr at Siuillilicld, uiid suciucd happy at tho good bargain lio had iiiadi.'. Tlio w«avi'f, tickled at tho recital, \v;is curious to kiiow tho price he had received for his wife. " ^Veel, frieii', an' how umekle luicht ye get for her — gif it be a fair question ?" " A pot of beer I " " Hech, man ! she has been unco little worth, or yc hao been verra dry at the time." A iiu;iir,Ar'> wosuKit. OsK day, two Highland drovers, while travelling to l*aisley, were overtaken by one of the steam-carriages, then plying in that direction. The Celts, who had never either seen or heard of carriages being impelled by any othor power than horse, stood lost in wonderrnent for a lime. " Ploss lue. iJougal, did you ever saw the likes o' that peforo— thero is ta coach riii awa frao ta horse ? — Run, run, Doug.il, like a good lad and frecht him back." (UA.NliKI) I IMK--. W'li.r, Si'Kiii once went into llio house of a clergy. nun in I5iiih, famed as a skilful performer on the violin, an 1 hear- ing the inini-.ter playing on the fidille, \y\\\ began to dance, and continued in his own unmeasured style, till the clergy- man wiis fairly tired. Tho practical commentator on cat- gut gave Will a shilling. " Hech." says Will, "this worl' is uneolio chang't, for in my young days tho dancers avc pay't tho fiddler." A nitKlll i>K \ liOV. Ludicrous instances of the mal-apropos have soraotimes followed the sudden elevation, for a temporary emergenev, of scullion boys, to the high and haughty ilignity of the full- blown footman. Ono who had rei-ently been a herd l>oy at .s 258 L.VIUT) OF l.OGAN. a farm-house, and knew no other society all his days than that of the hinds, was once metamorphosed in this manner, in order to add to the state with which a rather dignified comijany was to be received. It is a custom in Scotland, when a liind or farm-servant is taking his ordinary dinner of broth and beef, to begin and end with broth; the second application of that luxury being looked upon as a kind of dessert. At the conclusion of a stiffish dinner, our peasant hei'o, remembering the approved custom of his former asso- ciates, came up with a tureen within his left arm, and a divider in his right hand, and forcing within the line of tiic company, said, in all the breath of his common speccli, " Sirs, will ony o' yo ink' a pickle mac kail ?" TUK TU.VVKLLKll NONI'I.USSEU. Captain Basil Hall, whose written stories have charmed all who have read them, was one day endeavouring to enliven a remarkably stiff and dull dinner party, by a few oral relations of the same kind. He concluded one of a very extraordinai-y character, by saying, " Did you ever hear any story so wonderful as that?" and at the same moment his eye chanced to rest on a foot-boy opposite to him, ^^ho, without leaving a moment of interval, exclaimed, " Yes, man, there's a lass i' our kitchen, that kens a lass that lias twa thooms on ae hand !" A WORD OF CAUTION. Thf, Rev. Mr. L. of E., in going the rounds of his parish, accompanied by the elder of the district, called on a kind of half-conscientious Sawney, who, when asked if he kept worship in his family, morning and evening, equivocated thus: " Ye see, Sir, I'm often awa frae hame — I maun be afTiii the morning before the weans arc out o' their bod, and when I come hame at night they're a' skepit again — and 1 niHun say, sir, deed maun I, that its miiistly on Sun- i.Ainn OF I.OOAM. 259 days." " Hut, Julin, you must suruly bu soinetimosprubuiit with your family liotli ends of the day, and I liope ou lUmo ocrasious you do not omit llio iierformaiico of lliis duty ?" John, wlio could not all'ord to tell a lie, although he could omit the duty, still waived the (jueslion. " Ay, it's a' true, very I rue, sir, but really yo see, sir, as I waa saying afore — I muuri say — its maistly on Sundays." The next person visited was an irishman, wiio did or did not every thing, uositive and negative, as bethought might please his Rever- ence. " Do you read portions of Scripture, morning and evening, to your family ?" " Ves, sir." " Do you inquire whi'ther they understand what you have read to them ?" " Yes, sir." " .\nd you never omit family worship morning or night?" " Never, sir." This was all beautiful to .Mr. L., but the elder knew the world rather better; and, after leaving the house, he remarked, " Weel, sir, if ye dinna seo ony diflercnco between these twa men that yo hao visited, I do. The first caniia tell ye a lie, though he would let ye gang awa believing ane : the ither i< every tiling, according to himsel, that ye could wish; now, to my certain knowledge, the liible and he seldom shako hands thegither, though he says otherwise to you ; glib I the tongue is aye gluiket at the heart ; thae Paddies are no to ride the ford on — neither is our ain kintra folk, w ha hao mae hums and hu's than usual — I wouldna speer owre mony questions ; just caution them weel." CIItUCII-GOl.NO, A.v olil man, who had walked every Sunday for many years, from Newhaven to Kdinburgh, to attend the late Dr. Jones' church, was complimented by that venerable clergy- tnan, for the length and regularity of his a|)pearance in church. The old man unconsciously evinced how little \w diservcd the con)p!inu'nt, by this reply. " Decil, sir, il4 Very true ; but aboon a', 1 like to hoar thusugh and jingling o' the bells, and sec a' the braw folk." 260 LAIRD OF LOGAN. THE BKST OF THINGS MAY BE ABUSED. At a soiree got up by one of the churches ia Glasgow, which, by kite Act of General Assembly has acquired paro- chial honours, the band belonging to the dragoons then quartered in Glasgow barracks was employed on the occa- sion. An old lady remarked, with some degree of ner- vous tremor, that " The Kirk, as hitherto connected wi' the State, had been of great benefit to mony a aue ; but really, bringing a sodgers'-band, with their brass trumpets, and bass drums, and skirling flutes and fifes, to their help, is gaun o'er the score a' thogither." BURNS AND THE GLASGOW BOOKSELLERS. The late John Smith, bookseller, long the father of " The Trade," as the booksellers par eminence are called, was em- ployed by Burns to distribute copies of his first published volume to subscribers, and to receive payment. Mr. S., when adjusting the account with the poet, would only accept of five per cent, commission for his trouble. Burns, struck a( the moderation, observed, " Ye seem to be a very decent sort o' folk, you Glasgow booksellers ; but oh, they're sair birkies in ICnibro'." AURICULAR TRANSLATION. During the reform mania, a person in a news-room at Beith read aloud, for the general benefit, an article in which the value of the franchise was strongly and repeatedly in- sisted on. This word he pronounced fransheese, which one of the quidnuncs, who was ignorant of the term, mistook for French cheese. His national pride being offended by the supposed preference given to the foreign commodity, he ex- claimed, " Tiiey iiae a puir taste, that say sao muckle about fusionless French choose ; I wadna gie ano o'our aiu Duulap kebbucks for a hail cart-load o' thoin," LArnn or t.ocam. 201 A rnxcTtrAi. rkmark. An eccentric old pcntlt-man in Paisley, liavinf; liad a tea [larty. (I)nt wlifther it was wliat is callcti in St. Mirron'f«, " a tousy tp.i,"— liutclior wares to tlie broad, as well as tlio produce of the dairy— does not concern the reader.) Iiis servant, in removing the tea equipap;e, let the tray fall, liy which much of it was hroken Her master havinj; rchtikotl her, she assured him it was in vain to find fault with heron account of tlie accident, for " if it had not been fnre-ordecnod, it woidd not hae come to pass." " That was fore-ordi-eufd too, then," replied he, lending her a hearty slap (Ml the hafl'i'ts. COCKNEYS FROM ITOMK Two cockneys, fresh from the academic bowers of Eton, and no doubt regarding themselves as prodigies of learning, had found their way to the " west countrie," and consider- ing every thing they saw as a fit subject for their ridicule, thus accosted a plain, unobtrusive sort of person, whom they met: "Ah! .Mr. what's your name? — wo have travelled thus far from Kton, in search of any thing that may be good or grand in this here coimtry of yours, but we have met with nothing but what we have got at home in much higher perfection. Your hills, and your rivers, and what not, seem to breathe little of Arcadia, and one would require a second Ariadne to siipi)ly him with a clue to guide him through your interminable labyrinth of hills, and dales, and so forth." " True," said the man in reply. " we have little hero to boast of that you have not also in the south. One thing, however, we possess, whicli it is very evident you want.' " Pray, what may it be?" "Wo seem, since you are a scholar, to have a sense more." " What may it be called? N>'o see. we hear, wo taste, we touch, wo smell — what other sense than these have you?" " Wo have common sense — a tiling that you sei'Ui lamentably deficient in." •202 LAIRD OF LOCAK. A FRIEND AT TABLE A BOT, educated to take care of cattle, got admission in- fo a gentleman's family, for the purpose of waiting tabic, and other "odds and ends," where only one male servant was kept, after being rigged out, not exactly in livery, but in the less ostentatious dress of a sharpshooter — he was put to hand round bread to a sober supper of eggs ; when, ob- serving a gentleman of the company, who was a stranger, help himself to a bit of oaten cake, the dapper little waiter, either in the simplicity of his hospitality, or j udging that where tliere was such a choice, there could be no difficulty of decid- ing nidged the gentleman's shoulder with the bread-basket, and whispered, " Tak' a bit laif to your egg, man." LEARNED COMMENTATORS. In the neighbourhood of Kilbarchan there lived two men. father and son, weavers by trade, and sole inhabitants ol' tiie tenement. For years they had made family worship be- fore going to bed, the old man praying, and the son reading the chapter. One night, the son was reading from the twelfth chapter of Revelations, — " another wonder in hea- ven, a great Dragoon." " Stop, Hughock,"says the father, "thou's wrong — it's no a dragoon, it's a dragon." " Wha should ken best," quo' Hughock, " when I hae the bouk afore mo?" "I'm no heeding about that, I've read it fifty times, and I'm richt; dear me, Hughock, did thou evcrliear o' a dragoon being in that guid place? I ne'er did." " Ay, ay, father ; but this is a won'er though." " Weel, weol, read awa, Hughock ; it couldna be ony o' Clavers bloody troopers at ony rate." NATIONAL I'AKTIALITY. A GOOD old lady, who lived in tlie town of Greenock, and who had been born, brought up, and educated there, but who I.AIKD OF I.OOAN. 2G3 li.ifl never liMVL'lled beyoiul tlic precincts of Crawford's D}'ke (the limit, wc believe, of Greenock royalty), and who consequently had her knowledge of the great world without throuf^h the incdium of newspapers and the relations of friends. She usually read the newspapers from beginning to " Published by," &c.; and noticing the constant recurrence of scenes of iniquity reported at Mary-le-Bonno, remarked, " She maun be an awfu' limmcr that Mary-le-Bonne — slie's ta'cn to the police-ofTice, I'm sure, at least ancc a- week ; can tliey no jmt her in limbo, and keep her frae ao towmond's end to the other ? She canna be frae our kintra, it's sic an out-o'-the-warld name that she has ; she'll bo some o' your blackguard Irishers, I'se warrant 1" A SACRIFICE FOn CONSCIENCE. OsE of the tradesmen employed at the erection of the IJnitari.an cliapcl in Glasgow, went into an ironmonger's shop to make a purchase of single-flooring nails for the wood-work ; and having paid and got delivery of tiie nails, the shopman, struck at the quantity wanted, inquired, " wharto are ye gaun to drive a' thae nails, man ? — they raicht sair ane o' the town-kirks." " An' they're just for a kii-k ! though no ano o' the town anes." " Maybe ane o' our meeting-houses ?" " They are for the wood-work of the Unitarian chapel." " Say ye sae?" said the man of metal, " and had ye the impudence, sin' I maun say sae, to try to get them frae me ! — there's your siller to you, an' gi'e me back my nails. I'll no sell a pin to prop up the tabernacle o' Satan!" LOGAN ANO AN ENGLISH JOCKEY. A WELL-KNOWN jockey from the south, higgling one day with Logan aboiit the purchase of a horse, inquired, among otlier matters, if he was "honest" — a phrase, we believe, pretty well understood on the turf. To this query a satis- 2G4 LAIRD OF LOGAN. factor}' answer being given, an agreement was made, and the purchaser rode off apparently well pleased with his bar- gain : it was not long, however, before he returned in a towering passion, charging the Laird with having imposed npon him. " What is the matter ?" said Logan coolly. " IVLatter !"' cried the other, " why, you told me it was an honest horse I had bought, and I had scarcely gone a mile, till hebeganto stumble and stumble, and at last down he came smack on the road; now do you call that an honest horse?" " Indeed I do," said our Laird, gravely, " the horse often threatened to come do\vn with me, and I was sui'e he would keep his word some time or other ; now, man or beast that keep their words," continued he, smiling in the face of his enraged customer, " I do not see what else you can ca' them loan honest. Oh ! depend upon it, sir, the horse is an honest horse." SOUND NOT AV KCHO TO THE SKNSK. A NATIVE of the kingdom of Fife, white on a visit to a friend in London, who was one of the directors of the Cut- lers' Company, was requested to accompany his friend to the annual dinner, given by the members to the president and directors. After the list of toasts was exhausted, and the set of songs of the evening performed, the draft was made on the guests for volunteers, and the man from Tor- ryburn had to exhibit in turn. " Clean peas' strae" was the selection made, and after the concluding lines of the chorus, — Sao lassie t.ik tlio lad ye like, Wliatc'er your iiiiiinio say ; Thniiifh yo shuuld cinUilo down :it e'en 'Mang ckvin peas' strae,— the chairman, ap|)rehending the term cuddle to be the Scotcii synonyrae for cuttle, " returned thanks to his friend from the north, for tlio excellent song that he had com|)OSid and sung so admir.nbjy in honour of tlie Cutlers' Com- pany I" i.Miin "I A SHOUT I^AI.I . •21):, 'I'liK hi»o Ijonovolont D.iviil Dalo, who was a inaM of iiliort st.itiiro, and as the Hi^^hlanders say, as *' proaH as h^ was narrow," on entering his counting-house one frosty iiiiirnini;', coinplaiiii'il of the state of the strijcts, and mt-n- tionod that he had " lalhn a' his lengtli." " And what of that, sir?" reniaritod an old bookkeeper, (the Mr Owen of our Scotch Osbaldistone,) " I'm sure a gentleman o' your height couldna fa' ony groat length." " Ay, hut I cam doun on the sma' o' my hack," said the benevolent old Mr. Dale. Queried the bookkeeper, in striking the fiscal bal- ance, " Can ye tell mf "'> u- that part o' your ba-k i-;, Sir?' RANK AT ITS VALUE. Many wt re the rencounters between Will Speir and the F.arl of Eglinton, who condescended to familiarity with him, and in return allowed the same latitude of expression totlia wayward Will. The vagrant one day made a demand on his Lordship lor a bottle of ale. " Deed. Will, gin ye kent it," replied the Earl, " 1 have not a farthing in my pocket just now ; but just gang in there, to Lee/.ie Paterson's, and I'll tell her to gi'e ye't, ami I'll return in a few minutes and help yoti tit drink it." The Karl, faithful to his promise, returned in a short time, and taking a seat opposite to Will, " Ye may bo a proud man this day. Will," said his liord- ship. " An' fi>r what ?" queried the wit. " Sitting drinking wi* an Earl." " I lech, hech, man, great cause to be proud, sitting aside an Earl th.it hasna a bodio in bis pouch to bless liimsfl' wi'." WII.I, SI'KIH .INO Tfii: KxnsrMKV. In the neighbourhood of Irvine, some half-century ago, a strong trade was carried on in smuggled teas; and our witty wanderer was often employed, as being less likely to 2l')0 LAIUD OF LOGAN. be suspected, to transport chests, by back carriage, disguis- ed by fictitious packing. On one occasion, as Will was groaning under one of those loads, and making the best of his way to deposit it as in- structed, he came up with two excisemen at the Irvine water, who were leaning over the parapet of the bridge. Our wag seemed to quicken his pace on observing them. "What's a' your haste the nicht. Will ? — lay down your bur- den on the ledge o' the brig for a blink, and give us your news," said one of them. " I havena far to gang wi' my burden at ony rate," said Will in reply, " an' I needna be putting aff and on my burden to risk my rigging wi' laying down and lifting ; just bide whar ye are, and I'll be back in a glif and haver a moon wi' ye, gin ye like." Will was .allowed to pass on, the excise leeches not insisting on the right of search, and he returned almost immediately. "What ailed ye. Will, that ye wadna rest ye, and crack wi' us ? I am sure tliere was little danger but that the sun would let you see hame ?" " Ah, ha, lads !" replied the wily Will, " do you think that I hae nae mair sense than to stan' and elaver wi' twa gangers, and a burden o' smuggled tea on my back." BLANK VERSE. " Will ycbuy this poem o' my ain, sir, that I hae published this morning?" said one of those winged bibliopoles thatinfost our quay, and press their publications on tiie attention of the passengers on board the steamers. " So," replied the oV)ject of attack, " you both make and publisli your own works?" "Ony thing, ye see, sir, to mak' an honest penny ; and when a body finds out that they hae a talent in ony particular way, are they no right to try to turn't to some account ? Just buy the production, and convince yoursel' whether I am riglit or no." " Poetry is no favourite species of reading with mo — 1 cannot understand it — it is too sublime for my comprehension, and I liave just to put up with l.AIItU l>l LOGAN. '2»»7 |il;iiii prosf." " Wed, sir, JO spoak like a sensible man: you're just llio cuslomer that I like to meet wi". You'll fiml on the perusal o' my poems a fulness of expression about tliem, tliiit you'll no ken l)ut that it's prose you're reading ' A MINT TO THK .SKI.F-nilillTEOUS. 'I'liK late Mr. Robertson, of Kilmarnock, had occasion to proacli a sermon at the opening of the Associate Synod in (Jlasgow, which hapiicmd about the time that the French na- tion was spreading its conquests over the Continent, and also threatening the invasion of GreatBritain. Some few there were, however, who wrapped themselves up in fancied security, by laying the flattering unction to their souls, — that the licenti- ous French would never be permitted by Providence to over- come this kingdom, " a nation more righteous than they. ' " Granting," .said he, " that wc are a' as guid as thae sort o" folk think. Providence is not nice sometimes in the choice of means for inflicting his vengeance for sin ; ye may take an example frac amang yoursols : — your magistrates dinna ask certificates o' character for their public executioner ; they are generally such a set o' folk that arc selected, as liae rubbit shouthers wi' the gallows themsels." A FAMILY LIKENESS. A i-aivATE in the dragoons, when tpiartered in Hamilton, swaggering aiong the street one day, eloquent by the lubricating influence of the oil of barleycorn, and who thoujrht iiis tongue as well furbished as the blade at his side, made up to an infirm old woman, who was picking her steps and wending towards home, and accosted her, " Well, mother, how are you'?' " Wcel aneugh, gin 1 kent wha was spcerin* for me'/" "Not know nie ?" "No, really, 1 dinna ken ye; maybe, gin ye had on ither claes, I would guess." " Why, I am the devil's sister's son." " Hech, man, but you're far likor your \inr-Ii' ft' m v.mr miflun- ! ' 208 I.ArRB OF LOGAN. TWA VERA BRITnEKS. .Iean Carrick kept a tavern in the capital, from which the kingdom of Kippen takes its name. Jean's Iiouse was the meeting-place for all the wet gentry north of the bridge of Frew ; and as sure as Davie Foster the bellman had some roup or strayed calves to cry, did Robin Buchan o' Buchquhapplc. and John Percie of Netherknowe, meet on a Simmer Vees-day o' Kippen, after the fair was over, to communicate to each ot]i(>r the news " frae their ain town ends." Till the clock struck twelve would tiiese wortliies move, and generally by that time they were so completely intoxicated, that they often mistook one another, and an- swered to each other's names. The threat of Dr. Campbell and his Session, of the denial of baptism, did not deter these worthies from their potations. " Dr. Campbell no baptize your wean, Nethei-knowe ! — set him up ! just gang to the Port o' Menteith, they're no sae nice there, and you'll get it done without ony trouble." The road home for both lay for some miles in the same di- rection, so that they " oxtered" each other along, and when the balance inclined too much in one direction, the other opposed an antagonist force to restore the equilibrium ; all this adjustment, however, could not prevent occasional mis- t.alces. One night in particular, Netherknowe got up to the haunches in a clay ditch, and stuck fast, the tenacious till at the bottom kept hold lilce glue. Bnchquhapple tried one arm, then another — would not move. Netherknowe, like a laired stirk, sat motionless, and gave no aid for his own release : his anxious companion made still another effort by putting a foot on each side of the ditch, in order to have more power, but equally unsuccessful, " An' a sorrow to you, Netherknowe, will ye no try to help yourself — push your feet frae you, man, try to move." " Na, Johnnie, had I no better try to draw my feet to mo." " Weel, frae ye or to ye, do something man, I hear a fit corain', we'll be per- fectly affronted !" — "Just sit tlice down ((|uo' Patience in LMIU> OK I.KCAV ■2l>9 muiI) ll'iliin, ;ui(l |iut thy feet in tlio {jott loo, lIuTe's great beauty in huniility." Ilobiii made another desperate effort to extricate Nellierknowe, and not sutceediii;^, abandoned the atteniiit in utter despair. " Wee!," says Robin, " after a' this de>perato strussel, it's a I'rien's part to stick by a friea' in distress — I'll just stick wi' you, Netherknowe — are ye sure ye hae room for auitlier besides yoursel ?" "Oh ay, Uobin, man, there's room in't, dear huUlie, believe me, lor twa;" and down did Uobin sit, and |»luiiged his feet in tiie ditch, and stuck by Netherknowe until some neiglibours came up and drew the worthies out of their " Carse boots." A ( < >.\sl 1. I A 1 ION. I'mk late Lord .Vucbinleck had several times sunk a shaft, with the expectation of getting coal on iiis own domains, but in every case had been disappointed; he at last invited the most experienced of his tenantry to meet together on his grounds, to give their respective opinions as to the most likely place to obtain the mineral in (juestion. The parties met, and procecdi-d to inspect the places which were most likely to contain the black diamond, when Will Speir also made his appearance, and olVered his counsel to his Lordship. Tapping Lord A. on the slumUlor, Will began by saying, " .May a dalt body hae a word o' ye, my lord ? " " By all means. Will. " " Weel, my lord, you're gaun down for coal, are ye?" " Yes, Will, I mean to try again, for as often as I have been disappointed." *' I was just gaun to say, my lord, sin' you're set on gaun down again, do't in .Vird s Moss east by there — giu yo shouldna get coals, yell gel plenty o' guid peats at ony rate I " THK TWO UONALUS. About the beginning of last century, when taking a craich (i. e. ."poilj was considered as the act of a man of 270 LAIRD OF LOGAN. Spirit and entei'prise, two Highland chieftains laid a wager which of them would turn out, from among his tenantry, the most expert thief. Donald Roy, or Red Donald, was selected by the one, and Donald Gorni, or Blue Donald, so called from a blue or purple disfiguration on one side of his face, was selected by the other. These worthies were to range the country for twenty-four hours, and then return to head-quarters and report progress. The district, how- ever, had been too well poached before, and the two marau- ders came back to their lairds apparently empty-handed. Roy was the first to begin his report, which he did by lamenting the impoverished state of the counti'y, and finished by declaring his inability to come at any thing worth taking. Gorm was now called on, who agreed with his companion that the country was in a very poor state, but still it was not so bad but that a man, if he looked ivell about him, might yet get something. " And what have you got, GormV" said his chief, delighted with the prospect of gaining his wager. " Nothing but these," said he, holding up a pair of hose. " And where did you get them ?" cried Roy. " I just cut them oft' your plaid, Donald, in the boothie where we slept last night." Roy's chief paid his bet, and was turning the cold shoulder to his unfortunate clansman, when the poor fellow begged to have another trial, and pledged himself, provided he was allowed to go alone (as Gorm was too cunning for him) to bring homo more spoil than his companion. Gorm's chief, elated with the de.vterity of bis vassal, offered two to one, which was rather reluctantly accepted by the other. Our heroes a"a.in set out on their travels, and Gorm was fortunate enough to get iiold of a cow ; this he considered was more than his rival was likely to meet with ; and, afraid of pur- suit, made the best of his way home. His conduct, however, had not escaped notice, for, at a dangerous part of the road, a discharge of firs-arms obliged liim to scamper off, ami leave tlie cow to her own ruminations. Gorm felt ashamed to face his cliief at the hour appointed : but his I-AIHI) OF I.oi;an. V»7 I hopes revived wlieii liu sa«v Ui.y in.iko his appoarauco as empty •handed as himself. " Wiiat have you got now, Gorni ?" said his laird. Tlie talu of good and had fortiiiio was then recounted. 'J'ho question being put to Roy, he thrust his liaiid into his .>;poran, and presenting tiie key of the barn to his chief, reiiuested him to satisfy himself; on unlocking the door, a fine carcass was found suspendeil from a beam. " O Dhea !" cried Gorm, " where did you get that line beef?" "Just where you left it, Donald; and when yuu want another pair of hose ofl' this," lifting his plaid and shaking it, " 1 shall be very happy to kt you have them on the same terms !" .1. 1). Cakriok. Jock >i viu anu iifi. i.awvkrs. Fools often e.\crcise a very ready wit on occasions when little might bo expected from them. A natural in Hamil- ton, named Jock .Mair, has been long known for an uii common penchant for horses. Few in the middle ward of Lanarkshire have passed a greater number of those useful animals through his hands in the same number of years. Hut Joek being poor, his horses are sehlom worth more than the skin. He had often been advised to purchase a good ass instead of the useless skeletons in which ho was accus- tomed to deal ; but to the long-eared tribe Joek had an iincoiKpierablu aversion. A well known Hamilton and Glasgow coach-driver, about whose stables Jock was ac- customed to lounge, much to the aversion of the natural, at length [lurchased an ass; and two spruce writer's clerks, being aware of the circumstance, and the aversion of Jock to the asseiiinc tribe, one day in passing, said in a qui/.zing manner, " Jock ! Paton" (the coach proprietor) " has got an ass." Jock, looking at them with a peering gaze, indi- cative of great contempt, with the voice of a rook when cawing over its young, replied, ".\y I an' your maUter hati got twa o" them." 272 LAIRD OF LOGAM. A CASE OF DISTRESS Jock. Maiii, the fatuous person already alluded to, hap- peaed to pass along the road with one of his skin-and-bone horses, in the year 1812, when the weavers who could not get work were employed in making the footpath which leads from Hamilton to Both well. The silken-handed and slender-waisted labourers, glad of any excuse for a rest, were all loaning on their spades as he and his charger were moving along, and some of them were indulging in remarks not at all to Jock's liking. At length, one more pert than the rest, bawled out, " Jock, what hae ye been doing w i' your horse, man, he's unco lean?" Jock screamed out in his usual eldrich, rover-like voice, " lie's been at the weav- ing, man ! " ax uvar Ui- EXTAir,. 'i'liE Duke of Hamilton happening to come up on Jock when he was cutting grass for his horse in one of his Grace's plantings, challenged him, and asked " by what right ho was there ?" Jock responded, that " he had just as muekle riclit to be there as his Grace had." "Who gave you that right?" said the Duke. " I got it frae your faither," said Juck. " Then," said the Duke, " if you can prove that, your right and mine is etjual ; I got my right from my father also." WISIIAW POST ANJ^ Tui; \Vi:AVEn.S. Ui'WAiiDS of twenty years ago, a feeble old man, nick- named Post-John, for many years carried the post-office bags between Hamilton and Wishaw. On a particular oc- casion, when tlie news were supposed to be more than usually interesting, a posse of weavers were stationed at Windmill-hill, in ordi;r (o intercept John, and to prevail on hill), if possdjle to allow them a j)eep into a newspaper. LAIRD OF LOGAN. 2/3 The riiMiier accnrdiuifly came uj) in duo time, and many were the solicitations, nrfjuments, and threats used, in order to procure from liiin the indulgence required; but John was inflexible: — at lengtli. an individual, more darin^j than the rest, threatened to proceed to more violent measures, but Joiin was not to be terrified. Startinj^ or rather totter^ injj backwards a little, his eyes bej^an to kindle, and raising his faithful crummy in his ri^ijht hand, he exclaimed, in a tone between surprise and indignation, "Confound the rascals, would they rob his Majesty's mail-coach ?" BALLTAItY DREAD. Two Irishmen were fighting in Hamilton in the midst of a ring, and at length one of them exhibited symptoms of wishing to give in. Some of the on-lookors instantly bawled out, " Ye're fcar't for him, ye're fear't for lum." " No," said Paddy, " I'm not a bit afraid for him, but I begin to bo very much afraid for myself." A DOG TAX It is well known that the survcyoi'S of taxes have often much diihculty in getting people to make fair returns, not- withstanding all the pains and penalties which government can invent for the pni-pose of enforcing their right.''. A gentleman connected with this dep-irtnient. was on one occa- sion making a survey of the Middle Ward of Lanarkshire when, coming to a small country steading, the surveyor put the (piestion to the good-wife, whether or not she ke])t any dogs ? — the good woman declared that she did not. The sur- veyor had his suspicions notwithstanding, and- to put the matter to the tost, took out an ivory call, and gave a loud shrill whistle, which in an instant brought colly out from his Inrking-place, almost sullbcated in a fit of barking. The goodwife was confounded, and pretended to explain, but in Tain — down went colly like the rest of his shaggy brethren, T 274 LAIRD OF LOGAN. to swell the king's revenue. The party having lingered a moment for this purpose, were about to depart, when lo, a dreadful howling took place in the house ; and on the sur- veyor peeping in, he saw that it was the indignant landlady oelabouring her dog with the spurtle. An assistant, who accompanied the man of office, alarmed at the loud and clamorous notes of woe, eagerly inquired " What is that ?" " Oh," said the other, " it is only colly paying liis taxes." A NAUTICAL ROAD-MAKER. Captain liticiun was one day lecturing a large circle on the power and resources of France, and how easy it would bo for Napoleon, who was then in his glory, to in- vade this country: some one remarked, that he saw no great occasion for fear, " France was a great way ofT." " A great way olf! sir," — said the offended iiaranguer, wiio was no great geographer, — "why, sir, don't you know that fhe mail between Calais and Dover passes in a few hours?'* A wit, who was standing hy, a>-i;i(l at the wise man, "what the price of a seat in the coach might be between these two places ?" " Ah I" said he, " it cannot be much, you know, if they run it in two hours." A FIIIK.NU IN NEED. A CLEHCYMAN wlio read beautiful sermons, but had no knack at extemporary preaching, on a Saturday before a sacrament Sabbath, made an attempt for the first time to pirlecuc, i.e. to repeat the substance of a sermon which had that day been preached by a friend. After proceeding a few sentences, however, he came fairly to a stand ; when, after standing gaping for a considerable time, as if ready to choke, he at length stammered out, " the bell will begin to ring to-morrow at eleron o'clock," — then instantly concluded. 276 LAIRD OF LOGAN. A wag, sitting beneath, a\ hispered to his neighbour, " Od, if the doctor hadna got baud o' the bell-raip, he would ha' fa'n." A SCOTCH QUERY. A BLUFF, consequential, commci'cial gentleman from the south, with more beef on his bones than brain in his caput, riding along the Hamilton road, near to Blantyre, asked a herd-boy on the road side, in a tone and manner evidently meant to quiz, if he were "half-way to Hamilton?'' " Man," replied the boy, " I wad need to ken whar ye hao come fae, afore I could answer your question." A ZEALOUS ADVOCATE FOR THE KITCHEN A uALF-crazcd personage, named Jamie Brown, and who for a mess of meat, ran errands for the servants of a certain nobleman, was engaged as turnspit on one occasion. The dinner was to have been ready by a particular hour, but by some mismanagement it was too late. The bell, of course, was repeatedly rung, but still no dinner was forthcoming : the landlord and lady of the house were losing all temper, and so was Jamie Brown the turnspit ; the former, because the dinner was not forward, the latter, because the servants were so much pushed when they were doing all that they could. The fearful bell rang once more, when Jamie, slip- ping unseen from amongst the rest, in tawdry attire, but in great Avrath, marched up straightway to the drawing-room, and boldly opening the door where the splendid circle were assembled, exclaimed, " Guid saf us, what are ye ring ringing at, when folks are doin' a' that e'er they can ?" beggars' and baronetb' bairns. A CERTAIN heir of entail, alike celebrated for his wit aua for his superior talents, was one day, when in the presence LAiui" or i.oga;*. 277 of his parents, thus accosted by a rapped littlo urchin: " Apuir wean, sir, both fatherless aad motherless." Tho jouiig sciun of nobility, casting a sly look towards his parents, said, *' Go about your business, sir, I wish 1 could tell tho some tale." MEAT AND MUSTARD. Thomas Todd o' the Winnyyetts, was a regular attend- ant at "diets of examination," as they are called, but as our Engli?>h readers arc not accustomed to diets of this de- scription, some little explanation may be necessary. The clergyman announces from the pulpit on Sabbath, that tho hearers in :v certain locality will attend, at some farm-house, for tho purpose of being examined as to the amount of their religious knowledge, and also for giving them religious in- struction. The late Dr. Campbell, when in Kippen, was very regular in such appointments, as well as rigid in ex- amination. One of these meetings took place at Clony, Arnprior, in Thomas's neighbourhood, and at the conclu- sion as usual, a somewhat stylish dinner was prepared for tho ministei", and such of the respectable neighbours who were present, were asked to dine with tho family. Tho guidwife invited Thomas " to tak share o' what was gaun wi" the minister." " Oh, you maun just e.xcuie me the day, mem," replied Winnyyetts. " Deed I'll uo excuse you this day, Tam Ye needna mind, man ! You're aye sae blato, and as mim as a .May paddock 1 Come your wa's now— naebody but your nLighbours. ' " Oh no," still continued Thomas. " really I wish you would take my excuse; I canna come, for ye see, Andrew Square is wi' us making some claes for the weans, and it wouldna be guid mariners to leave Audrow to hirasel." "Tuts, come out o' that wi' you — gifa'your hums and ha's wert- hams and haggises, tho parish o* Kip- pea needna fear a dearth." " Weel, mem, since you will ha'e mo to be neighbour-lil.c, ye ken, mem, that yo have aye mnitard on yotir tabic — row I oanna sup mustard." 27S LAEdT) OF LOGAN. A CONSLDERATE DOCTOR. Old druggist W of Glasgow, for many years car- ried on a lucrative business, and although not celebrated for just eminence in his profession, was visited by many people from the Highlands, who had the utmost confidence in his abilities. A poor woman from Lochaber once waited upon him with her child, affected with some one or other of the iliseases of childhood, and as the old druggist " came from the same place," she was morally certain that the best of his abilities would be called into operation for the relief of her child — the complaint, we believe, was hooping-cough, " You 11 take home the shild, my good woman," said he, with a brogue strong enough to change cambric into tartan, " aud put him into a black sheep's skin, new taen frae the peast — be sure he was black, no other will do — keep him there all night, and come back and tell me in the mornin how he'll be." Faithful to the druggist's prescription, the black sheep's skin was with difficulty obtained; but, alas 1 it's efficacy had failed, as might have been expected, and the little sufferer died before morning. With many woful lamen- tations, she waited on the druggist, aud the tale of misery was recorded with painful minuteness. " Very well, my good woman, we can only use the means for recovery, and no more — go home and bury the shild, and I'll charge you nothing for the cure." LOGAN AND HIS SPECTACLES. On one occasion, while staying at a friend's house, Logan lost his spectacles, and a general search was the conse- quence. After a good deal of bustle had been created, tt the great amusement of those present, the missing glasses were discovered by one of the girls, snugly perched on the proboscis of tiie owner. The laugh was rather against the Laird, who, after looking a little confused at the awkward- ness of the circumstance, observed, " I was sure I had put I.AJRD «)P I.OOAN. 279 tliom in some safe place, where they wouldna be lost ; but here," said be, addressing the girl, " I caiina do loss than give you half-a- crown for the ingenuity you sliowed in luak iip; the discovery." HICULANO NOTION OF TOOTO BRUSHES. A FAMILY in Kdiuburgh, uot keeping a footmaD, engaged a Highlander to serve them during a visit from a man of fashion. Dinner having waited an unrcasonalile time one day for the guest, Duncan was sent into his room to inform him that it was on the table. But he not coming, Duncan was sent again ; still they waited, and the lady at last said to the man, " What can the gentleman be doing?" " Pleaso yc, madam," s.aid Duncan, " the gentleman was only shar- pening his teeth." IIKI'KNTANCE. The late Rev. Mr. G , happening one day to go into the church-yard, while the beadle wa.s employed, neck- deep, in a grave, throwing up the mould and bones to make room for another coflin, thus accosted him — " Well, Saun- ders, that's a work you're employed in, well calculated to make an old man, like you, thoughtful. I wonder you dinna repent o' your evil ways." The old worthy, resting himself on the head of his .spade, and taking a pinch of snufl', re plied, " 1 thought, sir, ye kent that there was no repentance in the grave." WANT OK DIM'OSITION. A IIiaiiLANDMA.N had occasion to call at the Post-offico. Findinir there was no admittance, on account of the early hour, ho scratched his head, and, turning to a by-stander, inquired, with an anxiou.t look, " Is there nae ithor shops that sold letters in this touu?" 280 LAIRD or LOOAN. POLICE ELOQUENCE. At the last meeting of the Improvements' Commissioners, a question came under discussion as to the expenses incur- red by the Magistrates, in the unsuccessful application to Parliament in 1825. A commissioner of police, celebrated for " extreme economy," rose and inquired, whether that was not " the expenses of obtaining the Act that was lost ? " AN IBISH OBJECTION. At a meeting of a neighbouring curling society, called for the despatch of business, it was proposed, as one of the future rules of the club, that on the occasion of a bonspeil, a smart fine be imposed on any member who should venture, beiug in sound health, to absent him- self. At this proposition, a worthy member, one of the honourable fraternity of horticulturists rose, and gravely " begged leave to object to the last regulation." " For," said he, *' though the maist o' ye are your ain maisters, and can leave hame and wark when ye like, ye ken weel eneuch, that should it happen to be saft weather at the time, it'll be impossible for me to leave my garden." SCIENCE. Two countrymen lately dropped into a lecture-room n the north, to hear a discourse on natural philosophy, rhe lecture was on magnetism and electricity ; in the course of which, the lecturer made frequent use of the phrases •' positive body iu the north," and " negative body in the south." Mr. R. touched Mr. P,'s arm, and inquired, " What do you think he means by the ' positive body' and 'negative body?'" " On, yo see," answered his friend, "lie first means, I'm IhinUing, Sandy M'Bean, o' Brechin, wha's the maist positive I ever kenned in the north; and I suppose, for tlio nac-gft-iid" l)ody i' the south, he raeano LAIHl) OF LOOAM. '2S\ Gcordi* Merclmnt n Uuiidce, for Iho no'er a' ano o'or bits duwii wi' hiiu that liu'll let rise agaia." "80DTER JOHNNY. Every body who has lived ia Glasgow for any length o. time, must surely have known the good-natured, simple in- nocent, Jock Paterson, not long deceased. For more than forty years Jock was in the habit of attending, and walking along with, Hutcheson's boys upon all occasions of a public nature. Not a Sabbath passed but Jock was to be seen ut the head of the Blue-coat scholars, marching with them to churcli, and keeping a sharp look-out, in case any oF his *' callants," as he called tlicm, should be guilty of any impro- priety either by the way or in the church. And at the annual procession, when all the children belonging to the public charities of Glasgow were [jaraded to the church in their new dresses, no man in Glasgow so proud as Jock on that day, when, decked out in his new suit, he took his place at the head of his " callants," and walked with them through the public streets of the city. Jock, however, with all his innocence, and all his simplicity, was fond of a glass of whisky or a cap of yill as any guzzler in the Goose- dubs ; and not a day passed but by some means or other he managed to get his craving for a dram satisfied in some way or other. During the time that Mr. Thorn's cele- brated figures of Tam o' Shanter and Souter Johnny were exhibiting in Glasgow, the [)roprietor very generously in- vited all the public schools in town to a gratuitous view of his figures upon a certain day, and there was Jock among the rest, along with his " callants," So tickled was he at the grotesque a{)pearanco of the " twa droulliy cronies," tiiut ho could not contain himself, but burst out into a loud laugh, which attracted the attention of the tutor, (.the Rev. Mr. Ferrie, now professor of Moral Philosophy in the Academy of Belfast), whn, coming up to Jock, clapi)ed him on the .sJKitildi'r, and go<>il.ii:iturcdl\ iiicjuircd, " NVrcl, »hatdo 282 LAIRD OF LOGAK. ye think of these queer chaps ?" " Think," says Jock, • Sli", 1 think gif I was that ane there (pointing to Souter Johnny,) I wadna sit sae lang with the cap in my hand without drinkin'." TOO COMMON. John Braedine, bedral to the parish church in Loch- mnnoch, somewhat more than a century ago, was examined by the Presbytery of Paisley, as to whether the crime of bigamy were committed in the parish, John could not com- prehend what they meant by the term ; and wlion he re- quested explanation, the moderator told him, that " ii meant a man having two wives at once." " Twa wives at ance !" said the astonished minister's man, — " I ken naebody that ever did sic a foolish thing ; but I can tell ye o' twa- three that wad like to get quat o' ane " RECONCILED TO CIRCDMSTANCES. Will Si'Eir had the heel of his shoes as well armed as his pole or walking staff— the point of one of the nails which adorned the sole of his shoe, had not been carefully turned down by the shoemaker, and it never occurred to Will, to apply the lapstone and hammer to remedy the cobbler's ne- glect, but the vagrant wore it a considerable time, and which bad wounded his heel. Some one observed him limping along the road, and on ascertaining the cause, observed, " Man, Will, you should roove the tacket in the inside o' yourslioe; tak' a hammer and beat it down." "On no," replied Will, " I'm used til't now." ▲ WHOLESALE MKRCIIAKT. An eminent cotton-yarn merchant of the present day oortimenced his career by retailing dyed and grey yarns in spyudlos and hanks. In process of time his business had increased so much, that from a shop he was obliged S) re- I.ATBD or LOOAN. 288 move to a capacious warehouse, and where he at tlio saiue time resolved to cut the retail trade, and sell only to manu- facturers and others in the wholesale way. One day, while in close conference wiiii an extensive cotton-spinner r specting the purchase of a lot of yarn, one of his old customers from the foot of Neilston Pad, in the shape of a gash country wife, pushed up the door, and, at the top of her shrill voice, cried — " I'm wanting twa spyule o' ye'r catton yarn the day, sir." Our new wholesale friend felt as if insulted before the man of spinning jennies, but, recollecting himself, he crossed the floor, and clap])ing the honest woman on the shoulder, "Mistress,'' explained he, " we're no in the wee way noo; we sell nae- thin" less than a fivo-pund bundell 1" THE P.VTRO.SACK OK THE CLOTH. Some o! uur Presbyterian ancestors were bishops in their way, and lordly ones too. Every licentiate, on receiving the of- ficial docquet, permitting him to preach in connection with the sect to which he had attached him.self, in any part of the United Kingdom to which he should be sent, by appointment of the said church, bound himself to bow in obedience in all cases to the authority of the court. When what are called competing calls, or more than one vacant congregation, wished him to become their permanent minister, the choice was not left to the object ol contest himself to decide, and if he did not man- a"e members of court, or allowed the least indication of his preference to be known, the rule of contraries frequently, very frequently, guided the brethren in their decision; it was never listened to, the propriety of seeing the parties mutually affected towards each other. " No, no, they'll cdino to like each other in time." Thus they went a little farther than the example shown to them by Paul, who would not send ApoUos in a particular direction, though stronfflv inclined to do so, without his own consent ; thus wise were they beyond inspired example. 284 LAIKD OF LOGAN. MIGHT AND RIGHT. An old tar, who had many a time and oft come into close quarters with the enemy, returned to Scotland, and wishing to make himself useful to the church, with which his fathers had been connected — the United Secession — resolved to educate his eldest son for the ministry. After passing the trial exercises before the presbytery, and obtaining license, he became the object of — envy shall I call it ? — to some of his senior probationers, having set two or three congregations by the ears about him. To determine which of these churches should have the services of the son of the wave- worn tar, must now become the court to decide. One of the churches was very desirable — much more so than any of the others, and the young man had indicated his liking, which led the court to adjudge by the rule of contraries. The old tar, accustomed to determine by the arm of power, dissatisfied with the judgment, remarked, when he was told that it was the will o' Providence, " Talkna to me about Providence, :hat has beensae lang aboard a king's ship." THE riTH OF THE PODDING IS THE STDrFIXG. If the poor's-houses of Scotland have a bad name for their stinted allowances to the children of misfortune — more often, we should say, improvidence and vice— they should see to it. We believe there is great abuse of the charities bestowed on out-door paupers. We have heard some of themselves say, that the occasion of the distribution of charity was a holidaj in the Bridgegate of Glasgow, in the lanes and back wynds of « hich, domicile whole cairns of beggars The allotment of meal is forthwith converted into whisky, and imprecations, as blessings, bestowed on the governors of the hospital, be- cause the supply is not in amount what they say they require. Rab Hamilton was a tenant for some time, we believe, of the Ayr Poor's House, and that class of the non-compos, whose chief care is to provide supplies for that power- ful solvent, the gastric liquid, are those who are most LAIIID OP LOOAN'. 28.5 cljiiiioriiiis, when the neediul uppuur.t sliort ia cjuuiititv, though more honestly given, than whipped up, to deceive the cje. The clergyman, on visiting the inmates, enquired at Rah, " If he was thaalcfu' for the blessings of Provi. iKmico'"'" " Ou deed is't, I'm saying."' "And how often taeh day arc you thankfu?" "Just niclit and morning, sir — ou ay, deed is't." " Are you perfectly sensible of the blessings bestowed on you at all times ?" " I'm saying, iiicht and morning, sir, I was saying ; deed was I." " But why nieht and morning ?" " Yo see, sir, I get my parrilch at thao times, ye see, sir, and I'm verra thankfu to Provi- dence — deed I'm I, sir, ou ay; for I nae sooner tak' out a spoonfu', than the hole fills ui)." PLEASURES or HOPE. Thk following anecdote is an exorcise ia composition prescribed to a ladies class. The e.xerciso was to illustrate the application of the terms " Words, strokes, blows," and u young lady nut far in her teens, gave a practical illustra- ti9n of them, and which was, we believe, a bona fide case of domestic discipline. " A worthy couple, who, before mar- riage, had professed great fondness for each other, not long after the expiration of the honey-moon, began to quarrel ; and from words ultimately came to blows. The poor woman complaining of the severity of the strokes she received, her amiable husband comforted her ^-ith the assur- ance, " O, ray dear, you will soon get used "vith them." DOCTOR FF.nniER The late Dr. i'orrier, of the United Secession Ciiunli, Paisley, was justly esteemed one of our western luminaries, and what compositions ho has given to the world, prove him to havo been possessed of great intellectual power — united witli lofty conception, and a dignified simplicity, and purity of diction, which few havo surpassed. If f iim- is 11..1 the liery 286 LAIRD OF LOOAN. volcanic energy of Robert Hall, there is something approach- ing him in majesty, concentration, and elegance of expres- sion. No one relished social intercourse more than the Doc- tor, and his friends recollect the playful sallies of his refined wit and humour. It is said that, when a probationer, he spent a considerable portion of an evening with tlie celebrated Robert Burns, and that the poet liad expressed himself much pleased with the young preacher's manners, and in his own paraphrastic manner, said, " He had spent twa three pleasant hours wi' a most excellent body o' divinity, elegantly bound and lettered." A LOGICAL DEDUCTION. Doctor Ferrier had a most thorough contempt for every expression that savoured of cant, and often found fitting op- portunities amongst his flock for touching the sore with his gontle caustic. The Doctor met with a serious fracture in one of his legs, — he had taken a carriage for the pur- pose of escorting a party of ladies, and on returning home to the neighbourhood of the Sneddon, just as the ladies had loft the carriage, and the driver was folding up the steps and fastening the carriage door, a flash of lightning scared the horses, and off they started at their utmost speed, snort- ing and plunging. The Doctor, knowing that some loose stones had been laid down at a new building, in the street up which they were running, and thence calculating on the cer- tainty of being overturned when they should come up to that [loint, leapt out from the carriage, which was the occasion of the accident above stated. The fractured limb took a considerable time to knit together, and gain sufficient strength, so as to enable it to take a share with its brother locomotive in out or in-door duties, and, in the interim, the inquiries and sympathies of his flock were unceasing. Amongst otiiers, one of those who are so busy in advising others as to their conduct, and pointing the uncharitable finger at every little discrepancy, real or imagined, that LAIRD OF LOGAN. 287 ihvv have no time for the correction of tLeir own faults, i-iillL-d ami ailtlrt'ssod his ministor, " Wcel," said this in- ferential member, " wliat lesson, do you thin!;, Providence intends to teach you by this accident that has hajjpened to you, in galloping up an_V amputating the monkej's tail close by the rump. 'I'iio dismembered animal screamed, and skipped like winkin;» through one of the side doors. The lamentations inside, and theroirs of laughter outside thecaravaii, quite dumfoundcred Oonald. He could not, however, help observing that the drummer, instead of joining in the fun, was in the act of grasping a cudgel, and looked very like as if he wished for explanation from the piper. Donald, judging that this would be safer given on the north side of Loch Tay, looked as ferocious as a Highlander of four feet stature could pos- sibly do, and interjected, through his clenched teeth, in the very face of the Yorkshireman, " Oich, will she no pe ta more prettier man waiitin' hims tail?" and bounding from the plat- form, was in the very heart of his friends and comrades, who closed around him and carried him off shoulder high, the streamers of his drones fluttering in the breeze, with the yet animated tail wriggling and writhing among the ribands, as was observed by the humourous David the Fud, " for a' the warld liko a newly catciicd rampar (lamprey) eel." And it turned out as Donald had predicted ; for, by snicstriug the rump with a red-hot iron, Mr Pug was in a few days again seen enacting his part, in full fig — not in a grea.sy kilt of some whiggish clan tartan, but in a pair of truL- LIui' ^Vcllington pantaloons. O.Sn OF job's COMFOnXERS. In the spring of 1820, during the depression of business in Glasgow, a friend of Henderson, of proverb celebrity, who had got married, advised ISlr II. to follow his e.vample. " Na, na," said he, •' saft's your horn, my frion', as the man said when he took baud of an ass's lug, instead o" a cow's horn in the dark ; single blessedness is the thing; they hao a stout heart that wad marry in thao times; I can put on my hat, and thank my Maker that it covers my hail fn- mily." 298 LAIRD OF LOGAN. JIEMOIRS OF A PAISLEY BAILIE. SOBER THOUGHTS ON MEN AND THINGS BY ME, PETER PIRNIE, ESQ., LATE MANUFACTURER, (nOW RETIRED FROM PUBLIC LIFE ON A SMA' COMPETENCY,) UMQUHYLE A BAILIE, &C , SiC, &C., OF PAISLEY.* Chapter I. Me and the Public. There will, no doubt, be an uncommon clatter amang the Corks of the Causeyside, as weel as upon the plainstanes at the Corse, and amang all the members of the pap-in clubs that forgether in the Water- Wynd, now called St. IMirren Street, or in the Town's House, where the bailies and other ostensible and 'sponsible persons meet at orra times to weet their whistle, when it is known and understood that I hare taen pen in hand to write my ain life, and to enlichten all and sindry anent my manifold experiences of men and things, seasoned with suitable reiiections on passing occurrents. Chapter 11. The Fhshes, Fykes, and Downdraughts o' Office. When I was in the Magistracy at a very troublesome time, 1 was sair fashit with the dounricht lies that were told against me, but I had just to put a stout heart to a stey brae, and do my duty, in spite of man or deevil. licch. Sirs, what an awsum weight of duty and dignity is sometimes laid upon * This pieco of inimitable humour and char.actcristic description, ty the lamented Motherwell, was contributed by him to the periodical, en- titled " The Day," to which reforenLc ismadeintlie Memoir prefixed to tlii« work. For tlie piirfioBoof piving uniformity to theae pages, the Editor has broken \ip into small hcctiona or cliapturs tho Boraewlial Icngtliy dissor tations of Bailie i'irn'c : the Editor in likewise responaiblo for a sentence or two, introducing tho subject of Cliaptor V. I.AIRD OF I.OGAN. 21)9 the head and shoutliers of ane efficient Magistrate in perilous times ! Hut on this point I have a word or twa to say wlien ia duo course of time and of nature I was eleckit a Bailie, and took upon mo the discharge of the duties thereunto efTL-iring, as the To«-n Clerk said when he clapt a cocked iiat for tlio first time on my held pow, and shaking me by the nievo, added, that I was the fountain of all justice and a ruler in the land, which was naething mair than a simple condes- cendence of facks. I am obligated further to remark, that naebody, man, woman, or wean, can say, or allege, that I ever socht, in the lang course of my useful and busy life, to rooze mysell and my actions at the expense of my noibours. Backbiters and sicMike garbage of humanity, 1 hold in great detesta- tion. Thoy think, puir born fules that they are, that, l)y pulling anithcr doun, thoy will rise thomsclls. They may bo as illdecdy as a twa hornit deel, and yet, after all, thoy are but sumphs and gomerils. A backbiter or cat-witted creature, that spends his time in picking out and railing against the faults and frailties of others, may jalouse that by spitting upon their character, ho is bigging np a bonny bield of goodly thochts for himsell in the minds of his hear- ers, but he is out of his reckoning as far as ever Captain Parry was, when he thocht to tumble the wulcat at the North Pole. ITo'll aye bo suspcckit and keepit at arms- lensrth. Sweet is the treason, but foul is the traitor. The backbiter is like a leper, he has aye a clapper to warn others of his infection, and that is, his ain ill scrapit and venomous tongue- It has been my constant endeavour to sook the marrow of reflection out of every circumstance and accident of life ; and, as weel as I could, to preserve, above all, an even mind and a resigned spcerit. Fiery- tempered bodies aye get into a carfuillo about trifles ; but I never saw ony good come ot losing temper about what it was out of the power of man to mend or prevent. " To jouk and let the jaw gang by," is an auld proverb, though it may not bo in Pavio Lindsay ; 300 LAIRD OF LOGAH. and, *' what cannot be mendit suld be sune endit," is anitlier. My puir faither, that's deid and gane, and laid in the inools luony a year syne, was a deacon at proverbs, and, saving some picldes of warldly wisdom of that .sort, education I never had till I wrocht to put mysell to the schule, when 1 got on like a house in fire, and ran thro' the wee spell like alamplichtcr, which was an uncommon thing for a bairn of my years. Chapter III. Observes, mair particular on Book Inditing. When Solomon delivered his opingyon anent book-manufac- turing, with some thing mair of bitterness than a body could expeclc from ane that has written meikle and no leetlehimsell, has not stated hu balance-sheet fairly ; for ye see he has lost sicht of the credit-side of the account a'thegither. He has forgot to balance the weariness of the flesh, with the pleasour whilk every sensible mind feels when, day by day, and page by page, it beholds the works of its indivi- dual hands prospering and increasing ; and the images, and creations, and visions of the brain assuming a tangible shape, whereby they can influence and direck other minds, and be as eternal finger-posts in the patlis of learning and virtue for generations after generations, to guide them in their search after the wells of divine truth and univei'sal benevolence. It does not come weel aff" ane like me to differ with a greater and a better man than mysel — ane that was a crownit king, and ruled over a powerful and singular people; and ane whasc name rang frae the outermost end of Ethiopia to the far 'est bounds of Assyria, (marching as I would jclousc, witii the Chinese dyke,) as renowned for natural wisdom and acquired knowledge ; while I, at the heichest pitch of my earthly dignity, vvas naething mair than the first Baillo of a great manufacturing and intelli- gent town, and wauked and slceped for full twa years with a gowd chain, significant of authority, about my neck— I.AIRD OP I.OIIAN. 301 iiud in)' uamo uiitl rt-putatioii «as soundit uac far'er uov Glasgow or Embro, .Manchester, or, aiblins, Luunun. I will confess that my aia gratification has had no incon- siderable weight with mo in becoming an author. IJuok* are a sort of passport to worldly iiuniortality. bairns ni.iy keep up a name, but they cannot maintain the fame of atie lliat has actit his part like a man in this theatre of the world. I have liked wecl to hear poets and sang-writers express themsels feelingly, on this natural passion of man's heart. Really, without a sark to their back, a bite in their belly, or a saxpence in their pouch, I have heard, in my time, some of them speak like Kraperors about the way they wud be idoleezed by after ages. Puir creatures 1 my heart bled for them and their dreams, and aften hao I stap- pit a snia" trifle intil their loof, just that they micht not die of downright stai'vation. They aye received it as a lend, and looked as proud as gin they had obleegit me by taking it ; however, their term-day never cam roun', and I didna mind, as the siller was never posted in ony it her wav in mv books, than as " incidents disbursed." But some of the words of these flichty creatures stuck to ray memory ; for, fou or sober, they had aye some glimpses of a deep-search- ing wisdom into human nature and feelings, very profitable for a man of my understanding to ponder upon, after ware- house hours and the cares of the day were bye. ClI.VI'TKU IV. Just before I hac done wi' mysdl. Thkhe is aiuther observe which I think I am entectlit to mak, and that is, — that it is an uncommon fine thing in it- sol, for a man, iu the fall of his days, to meditate upon his bypast life, and the uncos thereof, its lichts and its shadows, and all its turnings and windings. For my ain individual |)art, 1 may well repeat, as I have before observed, that meiklo have I seen, and meikle have I learned, in this idle stramash, and that, being of an observing turn, my hope is, 302 LAIRD OF LOGAN. that every change in the crook of my lot has not owerslid- ed without improvement. I will not say 1 would be living and life-like at this mo- ment of time, pleesantly occupied in endyting my ain life, in my cozie back parlour, whilk looks into a pleesant bit garden weel plenished wi' vegetables, sic as leeks, cabbage, green kail, turnips and carrots, forbye pinks, sweet-wil- liams, roses and lilies, and other savoury herbs, and sax grosset-busses as round as a bee's skep, and, without leeing, ilka ane the bouk of a rick of hay, wi' twa apple trees, a pear tree, a geeu tree, and some ither bonny things that needna be named, over and above a fine sundial, standing in the centre of the middle walk, the whilk is nicely laid wi gravel and white chuckey-stancs, and bordered with bache- lor's buttons, daisies, boxwood, spearmint and rosemary, the smell whereof is very pleesant and refreshing in the caller- noss of morning, or the saftncss of the gloaniin. Such are a few of the digested reasons which have pro- muved me to turn authour in my auld days ; and, having told the public who I am and what I mean to do, I shall cease my labours for the present, and, in my second chapter, enter at ance into particulars, like a man of business habits. Chapter V. Among ny First Public Concernments in a Magisterial Ca- pacity. A SHAKING o' the Feet was pi'oposed at a County I\Iecting, to relieve thae piiir bodies that are thro«Ti on their aiu shifts, and can neither work nor want ; and also to afford a moulhfu', in the mean time, to creatures flesh and bluid, hke oursels, wha are willing to work, but canna find a maistei'. This grand fit-shaking, or Ball, as it was phrased, was pro- posed, at a County Meeting, and was patroneesed by all the principal folks in the toun, and there was an inico talk about this lord and that lady being sure to be there, till the hail place was in a perfect fizz, frac the east till the west i.Ainn OP LooAN. 303 toll— frao tlio liuad of llio Cuuseyside till the Score. It's impossiblo to tell you the forenoon visits amang the lerl- dies, and the bit quiet cracks amang the gentlemen ower an afternoon's glass anent it. As for mc, 1 keupit a gayen quiet sough for a while, no wantin to take a lead in the matter; and, indeed, sic sichts were, in comparison, naething to mc, that had rubbed shouthers wilirthu first nobility in the land, forbye seen the king, as is written in my life; but it was quite different with my wife, tliat hadna seen ony sic grand adous ; and as for our son, Tummas, and my auklcst dochter, Miss Jean, that had just got a finishing touch at :i fashionable schulo in Em- bro, and could sing like a liuty, loup liko a maukin, and play on the piano to tho bargain, they were neither to hand nor bind. They insisted that they should be allowit to show afl thoir new steps, and they said it was expeckit by tho hail respectable inhabitants of the toun, that Bailie Pirnie should countenance the assembly, seeing that the magistrates bad sic a laiig finger in the pie. Of coorse it was out of the power of flesh to stand against their chaunering, mair espe- cially a'i afore they spoke I had coft four tickets, just for the credit of the thing, but no intending to gang— nor would I hae set my sell forrit on the occasion, had it no been looked for by the public — this is a positive faek, and my being there was no piece of ostentation ; for sic a thing is no in my hail corporation, as ye may have observed frae first to last in my written bukc. To me, as the faithcr of a family and tlio hi-ad of a house, it was the soorco of no small contentment to bo tho means, in an honest way, of adding to the innocent pleasures of my wife and bairns ; and really, when I taukl them it was my final determination that the gudewife should hae her ain way in the matter, and that the family should appear in sic state and grandeur at tho Ball, as efleired to their station in society, I was d.^vn- right worried with kindness. Tho young things danced round nic as gin they were clean gaen gy te, and nearly grat for fainness, and tho worthy and virtuous partner of my 304 LAIRD OP LOGAN. bosom and bedl'ellow said no a word, but just gave me ane o' the auld langsyne blinks of affection, when we first forgath- ered as lad and lass, and used to take a bit daiker to the country, to see how the gowans and the gerss were growing, and the birds singing in the woods, in a simmer Saturday's afternoon. Hech, Sirs 1 it's mony a year sinsyne ; but the memories of these sweet days of youth never die in the heart, that has truly and purely luved, as me and my wife have done. Chapter Vl Doings about the Family JBraws. Kenning fu' weel that our house would, as a matter of needcessity, be turned upside doun, for a day or twa, with mantua-raakers, tailors, milliners, shoemakers, bonnet- makers, and siclike clamjarafry, making new dresses and ither necessars for our domestic establishment, I thocht it behooved me to give mysell a day's recreation or twa by visiting a freend either in Greenock or Glasgow, till the house calmed again. Accordingly, I just daunered doun to the Bank and drew a bit five-pund note, and with that in my pouch I thocht I need neither fear cauld nor hunger, for the short time I was to be awa frao hame. Having spent a day or twa with my auld friend Mungo M'AVattie — ye'll aiblins ken him, a retired bachelor in the Stockwall ; he was ance in the fleecy-hosiery line, and very bien in his circumstances, — 1 returned hame, just in time to see my wife's and my lassie's braws come hame, forbye a braw now blue coat with yellow buttons, a silk vest bonnily spraingit with various colours, and tight pataloons, made to fit like a glove, for Tummas. Sic an unco wastrie in the way of claiths, great feck o' whulk couldna look decent a second da}', made mc a thocht donsy, I must confess ; but, whon I began to rcflcck on the matter with a mair philoso- phical spccrit, I saw there was even in this prodigality and vanity, the workings out of a beautiful Providence. For, ye'li LAIRU Ol' LOOAS. 30i obscrvo, tli.it tills was a Charity Ball, ami ii;)i-Tated as such iu a twafalJ seuso or dejjree. First, tho sale of the tickets created a fund lor real sufferers under the sair pinch of want and starvation; and, second, a lively impulse was given to the industry of ithers, wha were nerossai'ily employed in the decorcment and garnishing furth of them that boeht tho tickets. Manufacturers of broad cloth, musliu, shawls, tailors, raantua-makers, milliners, bonnet-makers, hat- makers, shoe-makers, glove-makers, haberdashers and shop- keepers — even the sellers o' needles and preens, and sic sma' wares, had either frae this soorce.adirock or indireck gude. .\nd when I saw that the Ball was devised, not for the mere bodily recreation of them that attended it, but to supplv food and raiment to tho necessitous and hungry, and that, when it did this to a certain extent, it moreover added a spur to the industry of mony a hard-working, wool-meaning, and industrious body, that lives by the lawbour and skill of their ten fingers, I could not but admire the twa-handed way in whilk the milk of charity was squeezed frae the human heart, and made, like a refreshing shower, to fall ower a far wider surface than the "••" ''nil in iIi- ^kv wduld at first betoken. CnAPTKll VII. / inaif say " Luiiy looltil for come at last." TiiK eventful day of tho ball at last came round in duo order of nature, and an unco ganging up stairs and doun stairs there was in our bit sclf-eonteened house. Wife and doch- ler were putting on and putting afl" this and the otlier thing Tummas was like to drive doun the roof of the parlour try- ing his new steps in the toom garret abune, and, hen un- wittingly I turned up ray face to consider whar tho din could come frae, a lump of plaistor, as big as the croon of my hat, fell right in my face, anil dung the fire frae my cen like sjiarks in a smiddy. Sic things in a weel regulated family, canna be toleratod in ordinar cases, but as tbia wn? 306 I.AIUU OF LOGAN. a day expressly set apairt for enjoyment, I owerlooked the faut. and took a turn twice round mj' garden, to cool my bludc, and see gif ony robin red-breasts were hirplin' and chitterin' aboot ; for ever since the melancholy death of the babes in the wood, one has an uncommon sympathy for Ihae wee considerate creatures, on account of them theelcing the perishing innocents with leaves, as is set furth at length in the auld ballat. As ye may jalouse, there were few in our house could tak ony denner that day ; but for my pairt, I may say I took my ordinary pick — mair be token, we had singed sheep's head, trottei's conform, and a very 'sponsible looking chuekie, as could be, the whilk fare is no to be despised as times gang. After denner, I comforted my stamach with a leetle brandy toddy, and sooked it a(f hooly and fairly, being nowise con- cerned like the rest of the household, anent either dress or looks, on the approaching grand occasion. The fack is, I had made up my mind frae the first, to appear in the samen dress as that in whilk 1 had the honour to visit his late gra- cious Majesty, at his palace of Holyrood, where I can assure you 1 was as civilly entreated as the first of the land, no excluding tiie Lord Provost of Glasgow, tho' he and his tounsfolk tried to put themselves desperately far forrit ; but the King saw thro' them brawly, and kent a spoon frae a slot's horn as weel as the maist of his liege subjects. Chapter Vlll. Canteens our Out-yanging. Preceeskly as the clock chappit ten, a noddy and a pair of horses drew \\\\ at our door, and out cam the hale byke of IIS as clean and trig as gin we had been faulded by in a bandbox. It's a fack, my heart lap to my mouth when 1 saw our gudowifo buskit and bcdinkt in a real fashionablu new silk goun, and with a i)eautifu! spreading umbrella- sliappcd cap, transparent as a butterfly's wings, and orna- mcnted with gumllowcrs and otluT conceits, as natural as tho I.AIRD OP I.OOAN. 307 iil'e. I was just about to tako her all up in my arms, and fjie lier a bit smack ou the cheek, siio looked sao bonny, but na — away .sho spoutod into the noddy, with her pain. I w.isna then aa 1 am now ; hut circum- stances liavi; naetliinp altered tlie naturality of my heart, or pjart mo feel ashamed of the poorlilh of my younger days, or turn up my nelj in scorn at the innocent recreations and pastimes, wlulk were then witliin my reach. It would bo weel for the hale tot of our prosperous men of the world, did they think and feel like me, on this and mony ilher imnoi- (ant sulijects. CHAFTKn X. Canteens the Ilame-comiuq and Particulars thcreaiient Hut I'm spinning out the thread of my discourse, I fear owor snia, and least it should break, I'll just wind up my pirn, and hae done with a remarH or sae. And first, 1 will say, that frac beginning till end, frae the A to the Zed of this uncommon splendid concern, it was everything that a j;c>od charitable heart desired. Gaiety, elegance, good humour, and unsophisticated taste, went hand in hand throughout the nicht. Every one seemed an.xious to please, and bent upon being pleaseT I.UOA!« 817 but lie sctiacd to be desperate short with thorn, for every uwii aiiJ mutlier's sou of them bundled all into their ware- houses, as if thoy had touched a nettle. Losh preserve us a"! says I to mysel, this maun be a queer shaver that ven- tures up the Causeyside on a market-day, and neither nioaub to buy, nor sell, nor pick, nor dab with our manufacturers. It's a desperate tempting of Providence, to say the least of it ; howsumever, we shall see the upshot of sio a reckless course. Chapter XIV. Mair anent the Comt-hy-lach, Weel, as I was saying, this 6gure of a man cam saunter- ing up the street at his ain leisure, and my curiosity was naturally roused to an uncommon degree, to get an inkling of what he was, what he wanted, and where he cam frae. It was clear and manifest in the licht of my understanding, that ho was not a buyer of muslins or shawls, nor a seller of silks or cottons, from the way in which my friends, sae soon as they spoke to him, snooled into their warehouses with their tails atween their feet, and their bands in their pouches, as if they had trampit on a taid, or mistain a doeken for a daii.y. whilk would bo foolish eneueli even though they had been bovn stano-blin', or had lost their precious ecMghl blastiu' rocks in a tpiarry, or by ony sic pitiful accident. Seeing him bent upon makiiig good his passage through the Causeyside — whether for profit or pleasure it was hard to say from his manner — I determined to keep a sickar look- out on his motions, and if possible to discover what his motives were in coming to pry into the inicjuities and ali<.- miuations of the land. Of course, I continued to stand l.-i e- ncnt the Cumberland- Well, keeping the tail of my ee upon him, while with tho other I was pretending to overlook the erection of a new sign that some painter lads were fixing aboon a spirit-chop that had opened there the day before, aud wWlk, you may wcel jalouse, was very conveniently situated 318 LAIRD OF LOGAN. for the commodity of water, the pump-well being just at the step of the door, and quite as handy as the bool of the pint- gtoup on the comptor. Standing in this easy-osy way, and giving my stick a bit authoritative flourish noos and tans, who should mak straucht up to me but the very individual that I was quietly watching, who inquired very politely if 1 would have the soodness to inform him whereabouts in the city lyir.' Pirnie resided. Hearing my ain name mentioned, I felt a bit flitter at my heart, but, as he was ceevil-spoken, and in the quality of his cleedin' as weel put on as raysel, I immediately replied, that there were twa or three of that name in our gate-end, but if he would condescend on the business or profession of his frien', I thocht it might probably be within the compass of my power and ability to put him upon the right scent, and thereby keep him frae ony mair bellwavering or wandering up and down the streets. And with that, I gied my watch- seals a bit jingle, satisfied that it was not very likely that ony ither of the Pirnies of our town was ever kent in far- awa pairts sae weel as mysel. " Of Mr. Piruie's profession or business," says the stran- ger gentleman in a very solemn and discreet tone, " I am profoundly ignorant ; but the gentleman from whom 1 re- ceived a letter of introduction to Mr. Pirnie, informed me that he was the Lord Provost, head Bailie, or some such other municipal dignitary ; and an individual of great re- spectability and notoriety in this city; and indeed the only gentleman who could be of service to me in my peculiar pursuits, connected, as these are, at the present moment, with local history and antiquities." " Ye're a sma' thocht wrang, frien'," says T; " but Fni thinking the person ye want is now standing bodily present afore your ecu." Wiienever I had said this, the tiiin-chaftod and thochtful-looking gentleman brightened up wonderfully, and, after blessing his stars that he had met with me so readily, ho claps a letter intil my loof, written by my Embro man of business, whicli begged me to pay all the attention LAino or i.ooAN. 3iy in luy power to the very learned Reginald liouslythrappii, Esq. of Deafnut Hall ; lie having come to Paisley for the purpose of making some antiquarian researches into the nature of its pearl Cbheries and shipping during the lime of the Romans, forbye a hundred other odds and ends, that were set fiirih in such lang-nebbit words, that I really found it difhcult to spell them, let alane untlcrstand them. ClIAI'TlCR XV. Muir aneiil Personal Appearance and On-put Mv nuw frion* and acquaintance, the laird of Deafiiut-Ha', was a tall, thin, wiry man, standing on his stocking-soles I would guess about 5 feet 11, or 3 feet 11 J. His com- j)le.\ion was a sort of iron-grey, shaded off with a clearish yellow about the chafts. In the matter of a nose, ho was like mysel, ordinar wcel-gifted ; but his was a scent langcr, as wcel as heicher in the brig, and not sae braid in the neb as mine. His forehead was heich and cone-shaped, and, I may add, that though he had a gey tate of hair on his ecbrow, his locks were thin Jibout the haffets. From his looks, I would have guessed him to be about H^rty, mair or less ; but ane can never guess within audit or ten years, the real age of bany and skranky bodies. Anent his clcedin', I will say this for him, that in the quality of the claith it was good eneuch, for I got an opportunity of drawing my finger over his coat-sleeve quietly and unno- ticed, and it was the best superfine black, 3Gs. or 40s. at the least, per yard. Hut it was apparent to any one that iiad the sense of a sookin turkey, and kcnt what was what, tl'.at the adorning of the outward man didna form, ilka morn after leaving his nest, an essential part of his moral duty. There is an observe in an auld writer anent the wearing of our garments, which is worth rehearsing for its excellence : — " Two tilings in my apparel I will only aim at, commo- diousness and decency ; beyond these, I know notliow aught may be commendable; yet I hato an effeminate spruccncsso 320 LAIRD OF LOGAN, as mucli as a pbautasticke disorder : a neglective comeliness is & man's ornament." Chapter XVI Ane Adventurous Flicht, lohilh nearly ended in a Douncotnt. I WAS anxious to get our Antiquary harled up to the High Kirk ; for his strange figure, violent gestures, and the way that he wapped about his hands, had by this time gathered a gay pickle folk about us. What fasehit me maist, was some of my ain frien's, in daikering backwards and forwards in the square, with their hands in their breek-pouches, or stuck in their oxters, coming within ear- shot, and saying till ane anither, loud eneuch for Mr. Roustythrappil to hear, " Whatten a queer neighbour is that the Bailie's got in tow with ? Siux-ly they winna cast out ; I declare they'll fecht. Weel it's a pity, the Bailie, puir bodie, demeans himsel wi' takin' ony sic chat aff the hands of that doure, doun-looking sneck drawer. Od, if it was me, I would hand him ower to Captain Jamfray of the Police, in the dooble of nae time." This was really a tempting of Provi- dence on their pairt, as weel as an affront to mysel, that 1 didna pass ower neist time we forgcthered in the Bailies club, for I gied them their ditty, het and heavy ; but after they had apologeesed, I tell't them, as in duty bound, all 1 kent and a wee scent malr about Mr. Pioustythrappil. It was really a mercy, however, that that gentleman being a tliocht deaf in Ins near lug, owing to his liaving catcliod a cauld while sitting at the sea-side ae stormy afternoon, list- ening like a sea-maw or kittywake to the sough of the wind and the jaiq)in' of the waves He assured me, tliat the thundering waves of the ocean, as they dashed themselves belly-flaucht against the caverned rocks, made far grander music to his ears, than all the orchestras in the world heap- ed togetIu;r could produce. No being particularly weel skilled in musical science, never having advanced farder therein than to croon ower tlio " Anld Hundred," or the r.AIRD OF I,OGaN. 321 " Martyr's," 1 could not contradict him ; liowsuuiover, I closed the business by observing, that if it wasna that good, it was at least dirt cheap, which in a mercantile point of view, w;i3 a great objock. Now, this sensible observe of uiino, brought on another bruizio between us, that was ou; of a" character ; but I may keep that to speak aboot in duo season ; all that 1 wish to have explained here, is, that my fiery friin' li;iil that great conveniency and positive advan tago till a man in his progress through life, callcl a <1'if lug. Chapteh X \ I . A stout heart to a ttey brae (/pp wo set at last for the Higii Kirk, and after warslingup the brae as wed as could be, we got into the steeple, anil up the stair we scrambled like twa cats after a cushcy- doo or a mealy mouse. I never had ony great liking to jpeel up to the hcichest buttlins, for a bodie's head is apt to get licht at that extraordinar altitude. Then the lad- der is aye .shoggy-shooiiig, and the idea is perfectly frichb some, lest it break, and a bodie be tumbled doun headlang and brained without mercy upon the muckle bell. It really gars a' my flesh gron to think njioii sic a catajtro[)he. It is weel Kent that 1 am as bauld as my neibours, having been enrolled in the Gentle Corps of Volunteers, and having marched doun to Greenock with knapsack on back, cartridge- box at my hindericts, mus(|uet shouldered, and bayonet lixed, determined to face and to fecht tiie bloody French, if •.hey ever daured to land at the shore ; but for a' that, there is nae nccdcessity for ony man, by way of a boast, to |)ut himsel in unneccssar peril Thir were my reflections, I candidly confess, when I was climbing up the ladder after Mr. Roustythrappil. The twa sides of it were so thin and shachly, in fack they looked nao gritter than a fishing wand, and they jocd and swced hither and thither, at sic a rate, that I looked for tho hail concern breaking through T 322 LAIRD OF LOGAN'. the middle, and baith o' us iosiug our precious lives for a piece o' idle daurin. Weel, we were baith creepiu up the ladder like twa mon- key beasts or jackey-tars, and I was beginning to look and mak my observes upon my neibour's bumphlit pouches, to see whether they had a steek as I jalouscd to keep a' tight, when the ladder gies such a creak and heezie up and doun, that I thocht it was all up, and that baith of us were on the ive of spinning heads ower heels frae top to boddum, get- ting a dunch here, a clour there, and a jundie every where, till we came clash down, twa disfigured masses of broken banes and lifeless flesh. A man of ordinar courage would have swarfcd. But for me, I held a death grip of the lad- der; and jamming my head between twa of the steps, to bo out of the way, in case my frien' had lost his futting, I laid mysel as flat as possible, to lot him trintle ower me in his douncome as easily as possible. In this posture, I clung for some time mtii my een steekit : for the fack is, I couldna bide the sicht of seeing ony body, far less a frien', cutting flourishes in the air, and posting aff till eternity, as a body might say, in a coach-and four, with the deil himsel for an outrider. The sensible heart may conceive the horror of that awsome moment. There was me, the head of a house, a married man and a faither, swinging midway between earth and heaven — the ladder creaking and jigging under my weight, and threatening to snap richt through the middle ; and then labouring under the apprehension, that poor Mr. Roustythrappil wouldna hae the benefit of a clean fall, but come bang against the back of my neck wi' a thud, that might either break it or the ladder — in ony case a fatal issue — or that he in bis mortal desperation (drowning men catch at straes), might mak a claucht at me in passing, and harl me after him to the pit of destruction. Aboon me, 1 heard a sair strusslin', fltterin', pechin', and grainin', though 1 saw naething, on account of my een being steekit, as afore- said ; but it iraniediatc'ly came intU my head, tiial this breingin and stramash must needs be atweesht my pulr I,AIRD OF LO(iAN. 32.1 uiifortuiiiile friL-ii' ami llie Hctlieial, a^ ilk aiie wan strivin' to save liiinscl frao destruction, at the nxponse oF his nciKh- hour, acoordiiig to law. Ajio was crieuch ; but baith to tuiublu down upon my tap, was nacthing short o' doun-richt iiuirdcr. ciiAi'TKR xVni. The Middle o the Mishanter, with a Husband and Father's Reflections there' n. I ROARED out to them no to ;^ot intil grips, but if they bood to come hnrlling ower me, to tak time and do it, ano aftir the itlior ; and wi' that 1 stcekit my ecu closer and closer thogither, jammed my head far'er and far'er through the steps, and made up my mind to die like a Roman or a real ■;atiio-co(k. To look doun was im|iussible — a bodic's luad would have spun round like a peerif, to contemplate a tum- ble of at least two luindcr feet. About half-way doun, ane was sure to come whack against the hell, and there bo clean knocked to shivers, afore reaching ane's sad and feenal landing-place in the session-house at the buddum of tiit steeple. Then, in the middle o' the meantime, it canio to my recollection that I had seen that the wood of the ladder was sairly wormed through, which, added to its desperate thinness, greatly increased my conlloption, and with pure reasoning, on my imminent danger, 1 was just dissolved into a lump of geil. Wore it a case of fire, and ane up even four stairs, and even hauHins smoored wi' reck, 1 won'' hae been nearly sae sair distressed; for then a bodio i. get blankets and sheets, and swing themselves owcr intil Ihc feather beds, that, nae doubt, gudc ncibours \s spreading out, to kepp our fall, or the leeries and and lircinen would set to their ladders, and carry a bodie doun on their backs, just like— ay, just like ony thing, as Dr. Kittlotext says, when he comes to a dead pauso in a string of lively similitudes, liut, ia mv case, there was nao kind frieu" or neibour, uao bnuld skhilcr lu IcuJ me a lifl 324 LAIRD OF LOGAN. in my needcessity and peril. I was a prisoner in a dreary steeple, far out the hearing or help of man, and in momen- tary expectation of dreein a death, waur, teu thousand times waur than that of a common malefactor, that gets naething mair than a bit insignificant fall of a foot or sae, and has nae precious bane broken in his body, excepting an ugly twist in the vertebrae of his neck. All thae thochts and considerations galloped through my head like lightning, and then a deadly cauld shiver gae through my heart, when I reflecked on the distress of my puir wife and bairns — when she cried upon her husband and they cried upon their faither, and the voice forever dumb that could have meased their sorrows, and put an end to their woful lamentations. Further I ueedna endeavour to describe my precarious and frichtsome situation, but at ae time I was in sic a fever wi' the thocht of what might happen, that I positively cried out, " For Gudcsake, Mr Roustythrappil, dinnalay hands on me, if ye hae tint your fitting; — there's nae fun intwa Chris- tians perishing by a miserable death if ane can serve; — catch rather at the jeists or the tackling o' the bell, grip till ony thing, but baud aff me, the faither and bread-winnci of a family of small innocents.'' Chapter XIX. A's weel that ends weel. Weel, I was in siccan a state, that, I lost all count of time, and, having my een steekit, didna perceive that Mr. Rousty. tlirappil, and the Betheral that led the way, had got landed safe and sound on the gallery that leads out to the buttlins, and there the twa had been cranking like pen-guns n()mi.<^siug me at all, till they commenced their descent, which, of course, was arrested when they saw the dreadful situation and agony of suffering that 1 was in. " What's come ower ye, Bailie?" cried the Betheral. " Are ye unwell?" shouted the Antiquary. " Eitlier come up or gang down," continu- ed the impertineuL i)ody of a Betheral, " for Fso assure ye I AtltU OP LOOAN. S25 tile timiiiur wiiiiia cany three; it's as soupio as a rash, and would .scarce do for stops and stairs to a ben's bauk, let abco three ordinar-sizud men." Seeing now how the land lay, and that ntio mishantcr was likely to occur, saving what might arise from unnecessar apprehension, I opened my een at anco, and cried courage- ously, "Ou ay, talking's easy, but how am I to get my head out frao between the twa fitep.s that it's jamiiieJ in? I'm nearly throttled — ye maun lend a hand quickly, twa three minutes mair would have finished me." With that, 1 heard my frien' lancjhing as if he had found a mare's nest, whilk was onything but kind or considerate, considering the jeopardy I put myself into, entirely to obleege him. " I declare, Bailie, it is the first time I ever saw a magistrate in a pillory, and I hope it shall be the last." " Sae do 1 mysel," quo' I, rather sharply; "but if ye canna help a frien' at a dead lift wi* nacthing better than a bitter mock, I'm no thinking ye'll ever he axed twice, or thanked anco." This brucht them baith to their senses, and seeing me to bo really jammed atween the twa spars, and held tight and fast, without the power of thrawing my head to acsido or the ithcr, (a fack, I was nae mysel aware of, at first, but thocht to play it aff as a good guise, to keep them fr.ie laughing at the posture they found me in,) Mr. Roustythrappil turned hiinsel round like a lamplighter, and descending on the ithcr side of the ladder, hinging by his hands in a wonderful way, wrenched out the step, at once relieved my head, and swung himscl down to the floor, before you could say Jack Robi son. I wns really thankfu' to him for his guod oflices, but I didiia think it worth while to tell him how I had mysel to thank for that pliskio and causeless tribulation of soul and body. Fairly out o' harm's way, and safe and sound on the bottom o' my anc twa shanks, they may climb like wull cat.s that are sao inclined ; but as lang as I'm tho father o" a fa mily, a bane in my bulk sal not again be put in jeopardy iu the SAmcn way. 82C t.AIRD OF LOGAW. THE LAST LAFRD o' THE AULD MIMT. A Canongate Croon, to be chaunted — not sung, A ULB Willie Nairn, the last Laird o' the Mint, TInd an auld farrant pow, an' auld farrant thoughts in't i 'i'liere ne'er was before sic a bodie in print, As auld Willie Nairn, the last Laird o' the Mint : So list and ye'll find ye hae rauckle to learn. An' ye'll still be but childer to auld Willie Nairn. Auld Nanse, an auld inairl, kept his house clean an' happy, For the bodie was tidy, though fond o' a drappy ; An' aye when the Laird charged the siller-taed cappy. That on great occasions made caaers aye nappy. While the bicker gaed rouud, Nanny aye got a sharin'— There are few sic-like masters as auld Willie Nairn. He'd twa muckle tabbies, ane black an* ane white, That purred by his side, at the fire, ilka night. And gazed in the embers wi' sage-like delight, While he ne'er took a meal, but they baith gat a bite: For baith beast an' bodie aye gat their full sairin — He could ne'er feed alane, couthy auld Willie Nairn. lie had mony auld queer things, frae queer places brouglit — He had rusty auld swords, whilk Ferrara had wrought — Ho bad axes, wi' whilk Bruce an' Wallace had fought — \n' auld Roman bauchles, wi' auld baubees bought; For aye in the Cowgate, for auld mcfe-nacks stairin'. Day after day, daundered auld. page Willie Nairn. f here are gross gadding gluttons, and pimping wine-bibbers^ That are fed for their scandal, and called pleasant fibbers; TheOId MIntof Scotland, In which this oecentrio philanthropist and nntiquarian renldcd, i« sltuHted in South Gray's Close, and forms one of tho most rouiarknble c.iriositioi to the visitor of the gcoftish metropolis. LAIRD OP l.nCAS. 327 f}ut the oul^ thanks Wiliio gae thoin for their labour.'!, ^Vc^e, " We cam nae here to speak ill u' our neighbours.' O! truth wad he bolder, an' falsehood lessdarin', Gin ilk ane wad treat them like nuld Willie Nairn. I lis snaw.ttaiket locks, an' his lang pouthered qucu, Coinmaiuled assent to ilk word frae his mou'; Though a K-er in his c'o, an' a lurk in his brow, M;iile ye ferlie, gin he thouglit his ain stories true: But he minded o' Charlie when he'd been a bairn. An* wha, but Bob Chambers, could thraw Willie Nairn. Gin ye speered him anent ony auld hoary house. He cocked his head heigh, an* he set his staff crouse, Svno gazed through his specks, till his heart-springs brak loose. Then "mid tears in saft whispers, wad scarce wauk mouse ; He told ye some talo o't, wad mak your heart yearn, To hear in lir auld stories frae auld Willie Nairn. E'en wee snarling dogs gae a kind yowffin bark, As he daundert'd doun closes, baith ourie and dark ; For he kend ilka doorstane and auld warld mark. An' oven amid darkness his love lit a spark : F^r raony sad scene that wad melted cauld aim. Was relieved by the kind heart o' auld Willie Nairn 'I'ho laddies ran to him to redd ilka quarrel. An' he southered a' up wi' a snap or a farl ; While Tice that had daured to stain virtue's pure lnurol, Sluuiik coHfd, frae the glance o" the stalwart auld carl: Wi" the weak ho was wae, wi" the strong he was slern- For dear, dear was virtue to auld Willie Nairn. To spend his last shilling auld Willie had vowed ;_ But ae stormy night, in r coarse rauclian rowed. 328 LAIRD OF LOGAN. At his door a wee wean skirled lusty an' loud, An' the Laird left him heir to his lands an' his gowd ' Some are fond o' a name, some are fond o' a cairn, But auld Will was fonder o' young Willie Nairn. O ! we'll ne'er see his like again, now he's awa ! There are hunders mair rich, there are thousands mair braw, But he gae a' his gifts, an' they whiles werena sma', AVi' a grace made them lightly on puir shouthers fa' : An' he gae in the dark, when nae rude e'e was glarin' There was deep hidden pathos in auld Willie Nairn. James Ballantine. fighting men. In the far-famed town of Paisley, it has been the custom from time immemorial, and which prevails over Scotland, for friends and neighbours, to hold merry-meetings during the New-year holidays, generally designated " New'r-day haunlins," and at which are produced all the good thmgs come-at-able by the entertainers. At one of these haunlins, not long ago, when the parties wore getting pretty hearty, and after song, toast, jest, and round of Scotch proverbs had each made the circuit of the table, the landlord, by way of variety, proposed that the company should give a round of "fighting men." The glasses were again charged, and each in their turn, gave the memory or the health of some favourite hero, dead or living. Marlborough, Charles XII.. Moore, Nelson, Duncan, Abercromby, Napoleon, Ney, Wellington, &c., &c., were all given and loudly responded to. At last it came to a worthy woman's turn to give a toast, but she, good woman, had never read " the history of the wars,' and was consequently unacquainted with the names and murdering merits of heroes and " fighting men 1" — the toast was brought to a dead stand. " What's the matter, Mrs. Wabster?" cries one. " Are yo gann to stick the toast ?" i.AiRn OP i.oc.AN. 329 crios anotlier. "Havonayomintl o" ony feclitin' men?" cries n tliird. " Wcel I w;it," quoth she, " I hae just mind o" ano, an' I'll gio ye him gin ye like. Here's to that wortli- Icss, (Irucken, daidlin', dyvour o' a body, Davie Drawloom, he's the only quarrelsome body that I ken, tor he fechts wi' his wife everlastingly." NOT MINCING THE MATTER. TfiE Rev. ISIr. Robertson, Kilmarnock, was often annoyed by one of those busy bodies, who take the charge of every one's business but their own. One day, when preaching upon the besetting sins of different men, he remarked, using a well- known Scottish saying,^" Every ane, my frien's, has their draff"-pock. Some hae their drafT-pock hinging afore them ; ithers, again, hae their drafT-pock hinging ahint them ; but I ken a man that sits in my ain kirk, that has draff-pocks hinging a'aroun' him. An' wha do you think that is ? A' body kens wha I mean — nae ither than Andro Oliphant." IN THE KEY OF /' .SnARP. .Mr. R.'s precentor di.spleased him much by iiis loud sing- ing, and accordingly was often not only reproved, but even stopped by him after commencing the psalm. One morning the said individual had started upon a key a little higher even than ordinary, when .Mr. R. rose up in tiie pulpit, and tapping the musical worthy on the head, thus addressed him, — " Andro, Andro, man does thou no ken that a toora bar- rel aye sounds loudest ? ' A eCOTCn HL'I.I.. Irishmen are not the only perpetrators of bulls; even Sawners, canny Sawners, with all his shrewdness and cir- cumspection, occasionally lets slip as egregious .1 bull, n» Lis brother Pat from the Emerald Isle. William F^ang. 330 I,AIRD OF LOGAN. constable aud town-crier of Strathaveu, was on one occasion crying a roup of farm stock, when, after having enumerated a great variety of articles, such as horses, carts, harrows, ploughs, &c., he concluded in the following ridiculous strain — "Furthermore, saxteen kye, and ane o' them a bill." A MAN OF LETTERS. A JOLLY landlord of an extensive and respectable inn, more remarkable for his good cheer and agreeable humour than for his clerkship or skill in reading or orthography, on one occasion sent a letter to a friend, on some pressing busi- ness, which was very faulty in orthography. The wag to whom the letter was sent, took an opportunity of challeng- ing it in the presence of the writer, when enjoying himself with some of his boon companions. The good-humoured author of the repudiated epistle, however, was not to be put b ick in this way. " Weel, weel," said he, " maybe, the letters are no pitt'n thogither, as you grammar folks would say is right, but they're a' there at ony rate." DUNNING DOGS. The following broad hint to tardy subscribers, latoly ap- peared in a Scottish provincial paper : — " One of our sub- scribers who had been reading an account of a child that bad lately been born with the name and surname of its re- puted father in small letters round the iris of one of its eyes, was struck with such wonder and astonishment at so sur- prising a phenomenon, that on retiring to rest his imagina- tion set to work, and amidst the strange vagaries that were presented to him in the course of his dreams, one of the most outre was the return of a favourite collie he had lost, with si.x very handsome full-grown ones, which she had lit- t'M'cd during lier absence. Round both eyes of each of the litter appeared the following words, in 8ni;ill liglit-coloured capitals ; — ' please pay tour euBscniPTioN to Tnis LAIIlD OF 1.0(1AN. 331 ADTEnTisKR. r.icli of t^o flij^<: appriiarhcil in rotation, and layin;^ its fore paws on the front cf the bed, j;aied in the most expressive miinncr in the face of our ' constant rcadrr,' who, as circumstances would hare it, happened to 6e rather in arrears. Next mornini^ he fflt so ut, to his great LAIRD OV LOGAN. 333 horror and mortification, the clapper tiad not given half-a- dozen strokes on the iron ribs of the bell till it was shiver- ed from top to bottom. " Why did you increase the weight of the tongue, sir?" said his Revercncc,the minister ; " did you not know that it would crack the bell?" Clinkum boldly replied, " No, sir. I did not, for I see that folk that hae big tongues in their heads are aye sober sensible men; but your folk wi' wee tongues that gang like a miller's clapper are aye crackit." SACRIFICE FOR CONSCIENCE. Two humble, but honest and devout Cameronians, were in the habit of leaving D , their native village, and tra- velling to Glasgow, a distance of more than twenty miles, for the purpose of hearing a minister of their own persua- sion. In the evening they travelled back half way ; but were obliged to sleep in a moorland cot until the suc- ceeding morning would fit them for their journey. On one occasion, being more than usually fatigued, one of thera awaking about the middle of the night, thus addressed hia friend : — " John, I'll tell you ae thing and that's no t^^ a, if thae kirk folk get to heaven at last, they'll get there a han- tle easier than we do." DEFERENCE TO THE LADIES. TuE young ladies of Gilmilnscroft had made an engage- ment to drink tea at the manse of Sora, with Dr. Logan, the then incumbent ; and, in order to abridge the distance, had resolved to cross the river Ayr on the ice, but they feared to c.\-periment on its strength, the frost having been but of short duration. As they knew the soundings of the river, they determined, if possible, to induce Will Speir to venture on a shallow, where he should run no greater risk than that of a wetting. They prevailed on him to acconi- pany them to the banks of the stream, without informing 334 LAIRD OF I.OGAX. him for their [jiirpose. " Now," said they to N\ill, " we're no very sure-footed folks, and we are afraid that the ice may be slippery ; would you just walk over before us, and we shall follow ?" " Na, na," said Will, " I ne'er was sae ill- bred as to gang before leddies, and I'll no begin till't now." NOT KNOWN UPON 'CHANGE. An old money-grub, in the city of Glasgow, who dis- counted bills for his friends, when the " Promise to pay" held good back security in the shape of indorsations, and the per centage was sufficiently liberal, was applied to by a friend to cash a small bill for him, when old Discount re- quired an additional security. The friend, who little ex- pected a request of the kind, got into a violent rage. " Se- curity, sir! — security, sir ! — dont you know me?'' "Per- fectly — and that's just the reason that I'm seeking another name." " Will you take the devil for the other indorser?" "Just produce him; and, as I ne'er hae seen the gentle- man's handwriting, get twa decent men to say that it's really his holograph, and ye'll get the siller." A CONJUGAL HINT. In former days, Mr. Graham was session-clerk and pa- rochial teacher of , and although he faithfully and ably discharged all the duties of his double office, stil! he occasionally fell into the sin of drinking a little too much. His spouse, as a matter of course, was sorry to witness this failing of her gudeman, and often remonstrated with him on the impropriety of his conduct. But the husband turned the point of her rebuke, by simply exclaiming, " True, I {)ut rayscl whiles aff the perpendicular, an' it taks a wee to bring me to the plum again; but, do ye no kon, my dear, that if it hadna been for that bit fau't, ye ne er wad hae been Mrs. Gr;ih:uu '" LAI KB OF LOGAN. TIIK DOCTOR AT A DISCOUNT. The late Dr. Young,* wliik practising in Neilston, liadan infirm old man as a patient, who had required a great deal * Dr. William Young, whose premature death occasioned such general regret in Glasgow, is entitled to a passing notice here. The Second Series of this work vas given to him in dedication, at which he felt somewhat Ilatlertd. The Doctor, after btudymg the usual period at the Glasgow College, ind receiving his diploma, commenced putting his knowledge in prac- tice in his native village, Neilston, where he pursued his profession for several years with great success, and was as much beloved for his open, agreeable, iiianiiers, as respected fur skill in medicine .and surgery. His eminence in the profession was well known in the great commercial Mi.art, GlasRow ; and he succeeded Dr. Alexander, a gentleman similar in m.wy points of professional character, who w.as struck down by tlie samedreaJful malady, typhus fever, and, like his successor, almost at il.c summit of professional eminence. Dr. Young was much respected as a private friena, warm, open, ami generous, the delight of the social circle, with an item of drawback- selecting always a butt for his pl.-iyful ridicule, which he generally drew on ad llhitum. In bis profession— uncommon sag-icity— decisive in his treatment— with a perfect abhorrence of every thing like mj-stery in his medical prescriptions, holding quackery as the refuge of im- becility and selfishness. Dr. Young was the intimate friend of Mr. Andrew Henderson, and one who could use more liberties with the warm-hearted eccentric Proverbialist, than any other of his acnuain^ tances. The Doctor was the medical adviser of Mr. Henderson, and we have often heard Mr. H. give him credit, as being the means undei Providence of saving his life more than once. Dr. Y. was called in on his last and sudden illness, and to whom his parting words were ad. dressed, " Heeze me up." Dr. Young was appointed Physician to thu Gl.isgow Royal Infirmary, in the autumn of 1837, and in the ardent dis- charge of his professional duties in that Institution, in the Spring of tlio following year, he caught the severest form of typhus fever, and fell a victim to its malignity ; his remains were followed to the Necropolis by an immense assemblage of sorrowing acquaintances, and laid in t!ie ourying ground of the Dilettanti S.)ciety, of which he, with Mr. Janie^ Dav.e and Jlr. Henderson, were the founders. We cannot omit here an anecdote which occurred with >Ir llcndcr- Kon, on the day preceding his sudden and melancholy decease. Sitting perusing the newspapers of the day, in the shop of Mr. D. Robertson, bookseller— a favourite howf of .Mr. II."s— his friend, Mr Henry Brock (of the Clydesdale Banking Company) happening to come in, Mr. U. tendered an apology for not breakfasting with him on the precedinis morning, according to his engagement, " -Man," said he, " Henry 336 LAIRD OF LOGAN. of advice as well as medicine, to ouable him to contend with the debilities of old age ; by dint, however, of bleeding, blistering, and plastering, the crazy timbers of the old man were made comparatively weather-tight and road-worthy for a time. The patient inquired at the doctor " what he wad hae to gie him for the twa-three visits, and ither sma' things that he had done for him f ' " Why, John," replied the doctor, " were I to charge you in a regular, and even moderate way, for I suppose at least two- score of visits, and the great quantity of medicine that you have required, it would be six guineas ; but as you are not over-rich, more than myself, I'll say four." " Is"t four guineas, ye said? man, doctor, though the half o' N parish had been laid down, ye micht ha'e set them on their end again for that sum ! hae, there's sax shillings, and score your pen through't — ye're far abler to want it than I am to gie't." you maun just excuse me; I should hae sent you notice ; but really I wasna weel, and I'm no niuckle better yet." " What's the matter, man, Andrew?" queried Mr. Brock, "ye're very glum this morning." " I dinna ken, Mr. Brock — I'm no mysel — a's wrang somewhaur— I 've just been thiulfing o' daundering up, for guid an a', to the Necropolis." " But are ye sure, Andrew," continu^id Jlr Brock, in a tone of synipa- tlietio banter, " that ye'll get there?" " Ou, ay, I tliink they'll surely find a bit hole for the Doctor (Young) and me !" The members of the Dilettanti Society met on the following day, and resolved to purchase a burying place in that classical city of the dead, to be appropriated as the last earthly lodging-pLaco of those members who had distinguished themselves in art, literature, and science ; and it was fitting that one of the founders of tho Society should occupy the first floor in the silent mansion. Only two years had fully elapsed, when the remains of Dr. Young were laid in the narrow brd, witli only a few inches of rocky par- tition, beside his old friend anVil« of the West," is equally true to the original , wo must not give names, out he is one of our contributors, and enlivens our p.igcs with t " Voyage to London by Land and Water." 338 LAiuD OF Logan. Easel, — Haud your tougue, ye auld sniggling Tory ; do you ken, man, that twa or three bits o' god-sends hae hap- pened to me the day ? and when a man's heart is like a weol- filled aumrie, will ye no let him open it a weo to his friends "' Editor, — But hear rae, Andrew; I'm expecting some gentlemen here to-night ; among others, Mr. , from Paisley, him they call Bailie Pirnie, ye ken ; and it would not do to hae a confused reckoning ; so, if you please, " let every herring hing by its ain head ;" besides, you've been dining, Andrew ; so you'll better ca' cannie, and keep your- sel up for what may happen. The Antiquary is to be here, too ; and no doubt we'll hae a dissertation upon auld bal- lads and auld proverbs. Easel. — Weci, Willie, you're right; so I'll not confuse the lawin'. Here, lassie, there's a shilling ; that pays for what's in. Now, after this, let every man soop the ice wi' his ain besom. Editor. — Man, Andrew, you should not be so obstinate ; you know you was captain last night. Easel [Laying back his head and singing] " There lived a liuly in Scotland, lley my love, and ho my joy ; There lived a lady in Scotland That dearly loved nio. There lived a lady in Scotland, An' she's fa'n in love wi" an Englishman— O bonny Susie Cleland Was burn'd at Dundee !" Editor Weel, Andrew, I never hear you sing that simple, heart-breaking melody, without wishing myself in a corner, where I could lay down my head and weep. Easel. — You're right ; the air is one of the most plain- tive in the whole range of Scottish melody, and it comes over my own feelings when I cither sing it or hear it sung, with a cadence as mournful as the sigh of the evening wind among the long rank grass that waves over the concealed grave of one, who, though dead, has still an abidine-placo in our afleclions. Editor. — Yc;, Andrcu', it sounds as mournful and so- tAIKT) OP LOGAW. 33^ lemn :i9 if the miiliiight wind had made an ^Eulian harp of a poet's skull, and was discoursing^ moral harmonies to the frail and errinjj ehildren of men, to reclaim them fi-om the downward paths of the destroyer. Easel Just that, just that ; man, Willie, you've said it. Often when taking sketches in the country, have 1 sat down on the ruinous dyke of an auld kii-kyard, and croon'd to mysel, " O bunny Susie Clel.ind Was buiii'd at Dundee." , The concluding notes of the air always struck like the dead- bell on my ear, and 1 never rose from ray seat, without re- solving- to be a better man. There's a heart-subduing les- son to be learned in an auld kirkyard, wi' its crumbling mo- numents, its faintly-traced tear-marks, its ruinous chapel, broken coffins, and tongucless bell, now as silent as those worshippers who once obeyed its summons, but now lie mouldering around, regardless of every passing event. Yes, there's a lesson to be learned in a country churchyard, which I could never regard with indiflerence. Editor. — I have observed, Andrew, that when you've been dining, you're always in best trim, either for a row, or a religious conversation. Easel Man, Willie, you're an auld sneck-drawer 1 But wha's this ? {Enter Mr. ) Come awa, Baili£ Pirnie. li. P. — Weel, gentlemen, I see you're driving awa at the screich. Here, lassie, bring me a dribble o' drink, too ; and see and be whuppy in your way, for I want to mak' up to my frien's, and keep step wi' them. Editor. — We're not far ahead of you yet, Bailie. Friend Andrew has been talking poetry this half-hour, and I've been listening to him. B. P. Poetry 1 man, that's a waff shot. Some of your poets, uae doubt, were clever chiels ; there was John Milton, aad John T?unyan, and John Pope — na, I believe I'm wranj; it was feawuers Pupo they ca'd him; he was a weebudy, 34fl tAIBD OF Loom. but the creature had a wonaerfu' hash o' brains. The mam, Milton, to be sure, had a great harl o* harns too ; but John Bunyan pleases me best of a' your poets, for he's aye speak- ing about his bit bundle, a thing that comes hame to the heart of a Paisley man, for we've a great wark wi' bundles and umbrellas — but John had nacthing ado wi' umbrellas — he was afore their time. Sawners, by tiie bye, carried a bit bundle on his back, such as it was, but he wai^na fond of saying muckle about it. John, however, wasna sao doon proud, but went on his way, bundle and a', rejoicing. Our wife and I are wonnerfu' diverted wi' Jolm, for he just puts us in mind of the wee corks langsyne, when they gaed into Gllasgow wi' their wabs on their backs, and cam hame re- joicing wi' the cash in their hands and back-loads o' new work, trudging a* the way. My certie ! those were thtf dj,ys ! — there were nae canal boats nor Lyon's coadios driving like fly-shuttles between the twa touns then ! Easel. — Gore 1 man, Bailie, but your tongue's just like a weel-filled bobbin of water-twist 1 you rin on and on, and neither lose nor break the thread of your discourse ; but it's a lang lane that has nae turning, and a dry tale that doesna end in a drink — here's to ye. Bailie. B. P. — Thank you, Andrew ; but what was you saying about poetry ? Editor. — He was singing about Susie Cleland. B. P. — What ! our Susie, that sat in our green ware- room? Editor I suppose so. [Rubbing his hands, and look ing somewhat quizzical.] B. P. — I kent her ! she darned twa years wi' us ; a clean- shanked, weelfaurd hizzie, wi' a bit cast in her left e'e — oh, man ! and hae ye been making a sang about Susie ? Slio married, and gaed awa about Dundee, where she had a great hash o' weans ; but she's dead now, I hear. Editor. — Now, you sec, Andrew, ye must alter your Rang, and instead of " burned at Dundee," you nnisl aa.'f " buried at Dundee." LAIUD or LOGAN. 341 Easel. — Kcllio ! lloo, lads! I'm no to be done ! "Willie, you're a waggish wee scounrel ; ye wad make the Bailie Vclieve that "bonny Susie Cleland" was a darner in Pais- ley? l''ou might as well say, that Mary Queen o' Scot:, was a yarn-washer at Ru'glin dye-work. Ye maun ken. Bailie, that " bonny Susie Cleland" was burned more than three hunder year syne. B. P. — Oh ho ! then she cauua bo tfle Susie Cleland thai worked to Pirnie, Pcnnycut, & Co. ; but it was the Editor that put me wrang, for he kent the lassie as weel as mysel ; and hearing you speak about Dundee, and seeing him laughing, I was sure I was right, for she married a rope- 6i>inner about that quarter. So, Andrew, I bog your par- don for the mistake ; but it"s a' the Editor's fau't. Easel. — IIoo, man I I'm up to his tricks: the wco sly rascal, see how he sits rubbing his hands, and chuckling there, as if he had found a nest. Man, "Willie ! you're sma'- drawn the night, but I'm ower auld a cat to draw a strao before, Hoo, hoo ! my lad, I'm no to be done. Editor. — What's the use o' you making such a noise about naothing? If it's a mistake, let it be a mistake ; and if Miss Susan Cleland got a bit scouther at Dundee, about three hunder years syne, what needs you sit hoo- booing there about it, like a sweep in a lum, at this time o' day? Easel. — Weel, Willie, you're a regular auld mouUy, Before you cam' in. Bailie, the Editor looked as demure as an auld cat, and was almost at the greeting about Susie ; but it's always his way. At a twa-handed crack, he's as grave and sedate as a Cameronian older, but the moment a third party joins the company, there's naething but fun and frolic and quizzical remarks to be gotten from him. B. P. — 'Deed, Andrew, to be plain wi' you, I think you'i-e baith tarred wi' the same stick, or as wo say in Paisley, you baith get your dressin' laid on wi' the same brush ; but this atfair o' Susie, gentlemen, just puts me in mind of another mistake, or hoax, or call it what you will, that happened to a wee cork in our quarter. John was a wonnerfu' Lodie for 342 LAIRD OV LOGAN. news, and ae sunny Saturday, after I had thrawn tlie key in our warehouse-door, I was standing at the Cross, looking frae me, wi' my hands in ray breek pouches, when I saw John crossing- the street towards me, as if he had some thing- important to say. " It's a fine afternoon, John,' said I. " It's a' that, sir ; but could I speak a word wi' you, if you please?" " Surely, say awa." " Weel, if you'll gie me a wee time, I'll tell you what I want wi' you," says John, placing his feet in what he considered a conversable position, and taking hold of his chin between his finger and thumb, for many of our folks can neither think, nor feel themselves at ease, unless they hae their chins fairly lodged between those two members of the hand ; indeed, they seem to think there's a power of attraction in the finger and thumb, that draws down ony kind of gumption or smeddum, that may be lurking about the upper pari of their heads, till it comes within grup o' the tongue ; at least I could never see ony ither reason for the habit — but that's nae part of our story. " Do you mind, sir," said John to me, turning up ae side o' l;is face, and looking as wise as a grey-headed parrot, " do you mind a Heeland lass that was servant wi' you, about twelve years ago ? You'll perhaps recollect her, from the circumstance that she had not a word of English, when she came to you, and answered every body that spoke to her, in Gaelic, whether they understood her or no. Weel, if you mind, Gaelic Nanny, as we used to call her, turned out a clever throughgaun hizzy, and took up the English, and ony ither schooling she could fa' in wi' just wonnerful fast, like; and if you mind, she mai-ricd a millwright that had to flee the kintra for forging a bill on a grocer in tin- Causeysido — now, sir, did you ever hear what cam' o tliom ?" " No, John ; I can really say nothing about them.' " Weel, sir, 1 was just hearing frae a raisley man that b come hamo frae abroad, what baith pleased and surprised me — the twa, it seems, had got fairly awa' fi'ae Scotland, but tho ship they were in, being driven into Calais by stress of weather, the twa took a dauner awu' up througli France, LAItlD OF LOGAN. 343 and as he hafl a pair o' guid liands, and a capital head for macLinei^, it wasaa long before a rich company took liim by the hand ; but as he was aye frichted the French beagles would be after him about the bill, he took his wife's auld Paisley name ; for you ken, sir, when a man's in a strait, lie has just as guid a right to use his wife's name as her property ; weel, sir, he got on, and on, and better on, till in time, between deaths among the partners, and ae thing or another, he got the hank in his ain han', and was just won- nerfu' lucky, till he died, an' left an immensity o' property to his widow, who lives in a fine mansion, a wee bit in the country just twa-three cat-loups frae Paris, where she troubles hcr:.^cl \\i' nae business, except managing a news- paper that her husband loft to her among the rest o' his property. Now, sir, as my son, Peter, who, you ken, served his time as a setter o' tceps in the Paisley Adverteeser Of- fice, wi' honest John Neilson, is now out o' his time, and has tane a wonnerfu' notion to see Paris, would you just gio me a bit scrape o* your pen, by way of an introduction to your auld servant ? I'm sure it would get him baith wark and ;i warm reception, for she was a kind-hearted quean." " 'Deed, John," said I, " I'm no verra fond about asking favours frae auld servants, besides I'm no verra sure of hor name; I believe it was Agnes M'Phadrick, or something like that." " Oh no, sir, that'll no do; nae Frenchman wad ever get his tongue about that; besides, it's no the name she's kent by — you maun ca' her Mrs. or Madame Gaelic Nanny — there's the address." " Let me see't, John," said I, tak- ing a dirty-looking bit of paper from his hand, on which I found the following : — " Galignani, at the office of Galig- nani's Messenger, Paris." " Hout, tout, John, man," said , "somebody's been trying to hac a bit skit atyiur ex pense — this is no our Gaelic Nanny at a', the names are quite different." " No sae far dilferent, sir," said John, evidently piqued, " ye ken, there's aye a dilTorence between French spelling, and Paisley spelling'." " Nae doubt, n.ne doubt, John; but before I write ony, I'll tak' a sleep on the 344 LAIRD OF LOGAN. head o't." "'Deed, sir, you may sleep as long as you like, but you'll find that Gaelic Nanny, or Galignani of Galig- nani's Messenger, is neither mair nor less than your auld servant frae Mull— us Paisley folk hae a natural turn for "•ettin"- up in the world, particularly among strangers." "True, John," said I, "but Nanny was a Highland lass." " That may be, sir ; but it was her Paisley breeding did it, though." Easel.— Wee!, Bailie, you're a strange set about Paisley —like the Jews, you're a peculiar people, and your peculi- arities are so marked, that though there is no denying they are Scotch, in the main, yet there is something about them, (liat every one can tell they are Paisley Scotch. A distinc- tion is made between a Scot and a Scotch Higiilandcr ; but I think there is as great need for the distinction of Scot and Paisley Scot. Who, for instance, but a Paisley Scot, would ever dream of finding a countrywoman in France, under the name of Gaelic Nanny ? B. P. I'm no wishing you to believe what I hae some doubts about mysel ; but, can you tell me the country where a Paisley man has not shown his neb in. or where he has na made discoveries, either useful to himsel or ithers ? Easel. — Oh nao doubt, you're a' great travellers, if we fak your ain words for't. I mot a Paisley man lately, wiio said, he had just returned frae Constantinople, wiiere lie found a cousin o' liis, Iiead gardener to the Grand Snltan ! B. P. — I ken, Andrew, ye like to hae a bit side-wipe at us Paisley folks, for the sort o' clannish hing-the-githcr kind of feeling that's amang us ; but I ken the man ye speak of; he told me. that he met his cousin, as he was taking a daiker about the Harbour or Basin, that's the kind o' Sneddon o Constantinople, like : and that he afterwards took him all over the gardens of tiie seraglio, wiiere ho saw grapes swelled out to the size of oranges ; and as for the green peas, they were just wonnerfu' ; but what surprised liim mair tlian ony thing, was the singing birds, 'od 1 he said they oow'd a". The canaries were as big and as fat as weel-fed I.AIItl* OF LOGAN. ^i-") (urkoys! — and siicli pipes! The Sultan Ii id ordered th.- master of the aviarv, or sinjriii'r Uavic, as we wad call it, to teach them some Scotch tunes —for it seems, the iiead of tiie singing-birds, is aPaisley man, too — weel, the tune thej' took up best, was " Auld lang syne," and when half-a-dozen o' thae thumpin canaries set till't, there was a sky-racket witli a vengeance ! — 'od 1 he said ye might hae heard them half- way down the Bosphorous, and that's aguid deal farther than frae Paisley to the Water-neb. Easei,. — [Drawing his finger up the side of liis nose] I say. Bailie, when there happens to be sae mony bien berth.* about the Sultan's hand, could you no get your frien' to write about me? I'm qualified, ye ken, either to be his painter or his proverbialist. But, above all, I would prefer teaching the parrots of the Sublime Porte to repeat Scotch [)rnvorliri ; you know, Pve a capital class-book for the purpose. Editor. — But if the canaries are as big as turkeys, 1 fear you would be no match for the parrots — they would soon get the up|)cr hand of the poor proverbialist. Man, the par<'ots there will liae beaks lil;e the horns o' a Ileelan' stat ; and should they once begin, you would find the truth of the auld proverb, *' It's a far cry to Loch Awe." Easkl. — Never fear, Willie; if I had once the Sublime's "|)arrots imder my thumb, I would soon show them that it wasna a parcel of greenhorns like them that \vould do .\n- drew Easel. Na, Willie, I'm no to be done ; I would not only teach them proverbs, but I would make them dance shan- trews on a het girdle, if they didna behave themselves. B. P. — Gentlemen, ye m;;iy think I gaed awee ower the score, when I said the canaries were as big as turkeys ; but the man told me it was a perfect fact, and I had nac reason to doubt his word. Now, only think, gentlemen, of half a- dozen canaries as big as turkeys, sitting singing " Auld lang syne, " to amuse the Grand Turk and his ladies, and all taught by a Paisley man ! Does that not do honour baitli to our town and our country ? and hasna St. Mirren reason to be proud of her bairns ? — no to mention Wil.son the Or- 346 LAIRD OF LOGAN. nithologist, nor yet Wilson the Professor — twa names that are themselves enough to confer immortality upon any or- dinary town Easel. — As to the canaries Bailie, my frien' the Editor and I are no in the habit of measuring a man's words wi' a pair of compasses ; but, by the hoky ! yon should keep a calm sough about your twa Wilsons, for though you've no reason to think shame of them, they've great reason to think shame of you. The one, after putting his name in your black-book, you made him burn his poems at the Cross with his own hand ! And as for the other, what notice have you taken of him? — I dare say, wore ho coming among you to- "morrow, your Magistrates would not have tlio discretion to say "Have ye a mouth?' Bailie. — Na, na, Andrew, you're wrang there; if the great Christopher was coming to Paisley, the first thing they would do, would be to confer the freedom of the toun upon him ; what they would do afterwards, I have no doubt, would be worthy of baith him and them. Easel. — That is to say, in the first place, you would put his name on the list of your burgesses. Weel, Bailie, time tries a' ; in these Radical days you have conferred the free- dom of your toun on twa three characters, which, Radical as I am, I cannot much approve of; and should the Profes- sor happen to come, if you don't take the opportunity of making him a freeman — if it were only to keep up the re- spectability of your burgess list — you need not be surprised if strangers .should take up the opinion, that the list where the name of the Ornithologist was put is the less disreput- able of the twa.* • Since this sketch was written, Professor Wilson .ncccptod an invitation to a public dinner in Paisley. He w.is aecon)p:iiiied by his friend, Tliomas Canipbeli, nutlior of" Tho Pleasures of Hope;" and when a motion was made in the civic council of St. Mirren's to have tho honour i.f tho freedom of the town conferred on the author of the " Uattle o( the llaltic,"it was negatived, on accoinit of the c.\ pence— throe piiundii and because he w.ns in such Bocicty ns the " To'v Editor "— Christophrj North ! r.AiRn OF i-oGAN. 347 B. P. — Andi-ew ! bo canny now — be canny in your way. In llie mean time, let's hae some mair screigh. [Enter waiter.] Here, lassie, I was going to ring the bell, but you've just, come to our hand like the boul of a pint-stoup Bring mair drink. Waiter. — I would do that, sir, but there are some gen- tlemen of your acquaintance up stairs, that told me to give you thoir compliment.', and say that they were going to play a game at Rumelgumpy, and they would be glad of your company. B. P. — Wha are they, my woman ? You're smiling ; 1 sec, you dinna like to tell. EniTOR-^Oh, Bailie, you needna be afraid for the dig nity of your office, they are a" weel-ken't friends. Shall we go, Andrew ? Easel. — To be sure. And if uncle Duncan's there. 111 hing on his flanks like a butcher's dog — I'll do him — I'm in fine fettle for the Highlanders the night — I'll do him — I'll make him claw where he's no yukie. Editor. — Andrew, ye seem to scent the battle from afar. Step on, gentl-^men. [^Exeunt omnes.^ SCENE SECOND. " ATE THE MAE THE MERRIER." DuAMATTS PEE8ON.5;. — Ease/ — Editor — Bailie Pirnie — Uncle Duncan, (Mr. Carrick) — JIarley, Mr. Uncle Doncan. — What did you'll spoke about High- landmen just now, Mister Easdale? I can tel! you. Mister Easdale, that I'ye known to my own knowledge a petter man than you. as proud as Lucifer because he wa.s a Ilign- landman's bastard. Now, Mister Easdale, pit tat in your pouch, and tak it for your morning. Easel. — They say they're scant o' news that tells his father was hanged ; and I think they would be as scant o' a connexion that would claim a lleelan ane. Man, do I no ken them? hae I no seen the lazv deevils hiirklin about the 348 LAIRD OF LOGAN. peat-fires o' Aberfoyle, huntia' v\hat-de-ye-ca'ts, tbe only thing they seem to be guid for ? — Gore, lad, ye manna speak to me about Heelan folks. — 1 ken them ower weel. Uncle Duncan. — All true Hlghlandraen don't fear being kent, and weel kent too; but it appears to me that you are either too well kent, or not kent or known at all, when you was obliged to hurklein with the dregs of our peoples. If it was to sec " what did you'll ca'ts," that you wented to tlie Highlands, I think you made a fool's errand of it ; for it appears to my suspicious mind, that you would have seen a great many more if you had stayed at home. And for you, blister Easdale, to abuse the ancientest people in all the terrestrial territory of this globular world, shows me that you are either a very ignorant, or a very malicious personage. Easel. — O, by the hoky, frien' Duncan, ye needna get on yei hoich horse — I'm no to be done I I ken them ower weel. And what's their antiquity ? Gore, man, what is't ? They cam into the kintra, as rats come into a ship, naebody can tell whan, and naebody can tell frae whaur? And what guid bae they dune to the kintra ? What hae they invent- ed ? Naething but the tartan ; and they pretend they took the idea frae the rainbow ! heich flicht, by the hoky ! It's a pity but collie had a gravat — rainbow 1 It's raair reason- able to suppose they took the liint frae their ain mizzled shanks ; it's there the clans got the different sets o' their (artan. Man, dinna talk to me ; I'm no to be done ! Uncle Ddncan Od dam'ort a baest moiseach, Dam'ort a each na diabhoil I Easel — Ye may " each and deol"awa' as lang's ye like; I'm no to bo done! Editor Gentlemen, I must really call you to order. Uncle Duncan. — For my own self, Mr. Editor, I beg your pardon ; but when I see Mister Easdale turning up his nose to the roof, and screcchen like a waler-kelpy against a people that's an hpnour and an approbation to the British nation, both by land and sea, I canna keep my plood from r.AIKD OP LOGAN. 349 coming to the boil ; there's nobody that hears rae just nuw but what has a liigh respect for Highlanders; and I would just advise Mister Easdalo to read what Sir Walter Scott says about them, before ho makes any more of his foolish remarks. Easel. — Ou, man, is that a' ye can say ? Sir Walter has wasted a great deal o' tine writing about them — but what's that ? Man, what is't? It's just like washing a [lig wi' lavender water. Uncle Duncan. — On a what, Mr. Easdale ? Od, dam'ort, put a mouth upon that words if you dare. Easel. — Daur ! I'm no obliged to daur ony thing about it — I tell ye, frien Duncan, I'm no to be done, ni:in, I'm no to be done ! Editor. — Mr. Easel, I must call you to orilui-, I cannot allow you to indulge in these remarks. Easel. — Weel, weonald, that ho " had better just go away, and put up with his loss, as the police might come round and take him to the OlHce." Donald replied, with the fire flashing from his eyes, " I don't care for your Polish-office ; I'll not go there, no, not for the Lord Provost himsel, till I'll got my seven and lixpence shilling!" HAWKIE ON TRIAL liV .lURV. IIawkie has ground of com[)laint against the law as i\ exists for choosing jurymen : we give his, what is, and what should be, and leave these for the due consideration of our legislators, the Benthams, IJroughams, iMaciutoshes, and Romileys, of a future generation. " Your jurymen, at least the maist o' them that I hae seen — and I'm thaukfu' that i ne'er was afore ony — micht hae been born and brought up in a cabbage bed ; ye may see, ony d;iy, as moiiy sensible- looking kail-stocks, wi' their curly heads looking ower the creels in the green-market — and your special jury are nae better they only ditfer in the length o' their shanks. Every man worth twa hundred pounds, is fit to sit on a man, and murder, transport him, or put him to gang up a wooden turnpike for a month, and get nae farer up than twa or tliree steps ; for though he's gaun up a' tiie time, he getsna out o' the bit, which maks a perfect fool o' a reasonable crea ture. It's no the rent o' a house that a man lives in, that should qualify him for thejury, for there's mony a twa-legged calf that owns a castle ; it's no the number o liis acres, for mony o' your lairds are of as muckle value to the commu- nity aneath the earth as aboon't. Tiiey cam' out o yird — a' they were worth was yird — they gaud to yird at last, when death had done his darg wi' them : so " Yird aboon what else 2 a 354 LAIRD oy LOOAK. can they be below?" ye micht put on their tomb-stanes for an epitaph, for they're able to pay for a stane, but it should hae been yird too. It's no the claith that covers the car- case ; the tailor wi' his shears, needle, and goose, can thus qualify for office, for if this be a' that's necessary a cuddy as3 can carry claes — nor is't being able to jabber Greek and Latin — being brought up at a college ; for they come out wi* heads as naked as a sheep aff the shears. I would advise a thae numskulls to be made writers o', if they can sign their ain name ; they'll take care o' themselves — and there's nae animal, that I ken, gi'ips the grass sae near the grund as a goose. So it's nane o' thae possessions or adornments, that, wi' justice and humanity to poor criminals, should ever .•letermine between guilt and innocence ; but it's the man that has heart and head, that kens his ain heart, and what crimes are there, though uncommitted — depend on't, it's no his fault that they werena — a man wha's tongue keeps within the teeth when he docs guid to his neighbour, — happin'the naked, and fillin' the mouth o' the hungry — and instead o' wishing poor wretches on the tread-mill, or to let hangie put a rinnin' knot round their neck, would help to hide the poor wretch if they thocht that ho wouldna do't again. Were such like fo'k to be set up as judges o' right and wrang, innocence and guilt, in our kintra, from the Lord Chancellor, wha's head is whiles nae better filled than his seat, to a Magistrate o' the Canon- gate, wi' some feasibility it micht be said, that justice and judgment had their place amang us." A ROYAL PtTN. WuKN a noble Admiral of the White, well-known for his gallant spirit, gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to William the Fourtli, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and atl'able Monarch, looking at his hair, which was almost as white as the newly fallen snow, jocosely exclaimed, " White at the main, Ad- miral I white at the main 1" LAIRD OP LOO Ay. 355 A PROSPECT OF Rlil.lKP. Tt itj not fair argument in bachelors to adduce domestic strifes as the necessary result of matrimony ; we have enter- ed our protest against this already ; but these incorrigililes rorjuire to be frequently reminded, that the fault arises gene rally from the incongruous tempers, tastes, and habits of the parties, blinded passion, the inexperience of youth, or a sordid mammonising spirit in the parties contracting ; consequently, they must just, as the proverb goes, " Drink the browst that they hae brewed." An ill assorted pair, had for forty years blistered each other, day after day, with jibes and taunts, and as often wished that the cir- cumference of mother earth were imposed between them. The better half was of a very infirm constitution, and the treatment from " the lord of creation," was not calculated to invigorate her feeble frame. Often had .she proclaimed, that the grim tyrant was about to remove her, and her con- sort as often believed, what he made no secret of wishing ^'ere true. He had so often repeated to his acquaintances, " That she wasna to be lang here," that he got at last asham- ed of his prognostications, and generally waved the question with, " Ay, she's aye yonder yet, and I kenna how she is, and I'm thinking she's little wiser hersel." However, her complaint indicated an immediate and fatal crisis, and her sympathising partner went abroad to proclaim that his foars were about to be removed ; meeting a friend, he announced, 'Tact, she's deeing noo." HAWKIE ON PnOFESSIONAL MODESTY. "Hae, Hawkie," said one of his almoners, "there's a penny to you, and gae wa', man, and get your beard taken olT; ye might draw lint through't for a heckle; 1 am perfectly ashamed to see jou gaun about like a Jew." " Oh I" r». plied Hawkie, "but you forget, friend, that it disna suit a beggar to be bare-faced." 856 lAntD OP LOQAW. AW ACCIDENT ANTICU'ATED. Amidst the evolutions of the Glasgow Volunteers one morning on the Glasgow Green, their commander, the late Samuel Hunter,' was thrown from his horse. He wab immediately surrounded by a crowd of sympathising friends, WHO eagerly inquired if he had been hurt ; the Col. quickly allayed their anxiety by crying—" Oh, never mind, I was iioming off at any rate." • The late >rr. Samuel Hunter, Editor of the TTerald, was born in 1769, at Stoneykirk, WigtonsUire, of which parish his father was miu- ister.' He attended the classes in the University of Glasgow, being des- tined for the medical profession, and was for some time a surgeon in the army. He appears, however, f lom some unexplained cause, to have re- linquished the medical profession, for we find him afterwards a captain in the North Lowland Fencibles. In the beginning of 1!)03 he became a proprietor in the Glasgow Herald and Advertiser, and at the same time Kditor, and from that time to the year 1837 he conducted this Journal with equal ability and success, on Conservative, but at the same time, moderate principles. He had the merit of raising this Journal from j limited circulation, until it attained its present commanding position, both as a mercantile and political paper. This was mainly owing to tht firm clear-sighteil, and temperate character whieh lie impressed upon its politics, local and general. In part, too, this well-conducted news- paper derived its success and popularity from the genial and popula/ character of its Kditor. Few men were more extensively sought after not merely for convivial and companionable qualities, but for soundnesi and temperance of judgment, for general and extensive information, an< for a large etfusion of public spirit — unrestricted and unclouded by party spirit, or extreme opinions. A pleasant and a safe companion at the so- cial board— a shrewd and long-sighted person in public affairs— a digni ficd and upright magistrate -few men have left behind them a widei tircleof regrets, or a vacant space in society more difficult to till up— with a larger amount of pithy and pleasant personal anecdotes. During tlie late war, when yeomanry corps were 80 numerous In Scotland, and ol which O'lasgow had her full complement, Mr. Himter commamled sue rtSBlvoly two or three of these ; and many there are who still recollect hii ffauele and stately perfion in the full costume of the IliKhUud Cnrpb ol Glasgow Volunteers, with hia broad jolly face, redolent of sense and liumour, looking askance from unile, tho notaMi- Uailio .larvic do- LAIHD or LOGAN. 3G3 iniciled, noticed a country lout standing at liis window uiio day, with an undecided kind of want-to-buy expression on bis face, and after having taken stock of the contents of the window, he walked into the shop, and inquired whe- ther they had " Ony pistals to sell ?" The shopmau had long studied the logic of the counter, which consists in endeavouring to persuade a customer to buy what you m;iy have on sale, rather than what the customer may ask for. " Man," said he, " what wad be the use o" a pistal to you ? — lame yourscl an' maybe some ither body wi't ! You should buy a flute ; see, there's ane, an' it's no sae dear as a pistal ; just stop an' open, finger about, thae sax wee holes, and blaw in at the big ane, and ye can hae ony tune ye like after a wee while's practice ; besides, you'll maybe blaw a tune into the heart o' some blythe lassie that'll bring to you the worth o' a thousand pistals or German flutes either." "Man," said the simpleton, "I'm glad that I've met wi' you thi' day — ^just tie't up ;" and paying down the price asked, and bidding guid day, with a significant nod of the head, remarked, " It'll no be ray fau't gin ye getna an op. portunity of riding the broose at my waddin', sin' ye hao learned me to be my aia piper." BEARDING THE LION. At a late examination before a Commission at Beith, for obtaining evidence in reference to the Crawfurd Peerage, Mrs. Margaret Kerr, about eighty years of ago, daughter to the late Mr. Orr, whose father had been brought up from aboy with the late Earl, andlatterly rented several farms about Kilbirnie, underwent a harassing cross-examination of nearly eight hours, by Mr. Neaves, advocate, with a view to bamboozle old Margaret, and mar her evidence. About an hour before the examination was finished, she was asked whether she would have a cup of tea, which she declined. " Perhaps you would rather have a class or wine?" "Ma." said the matron, " ane wad be uane the waur o" twa, at this 364 LAIRD OF LOOAN." time 0' nicht." They were immediately handed to her. " Now, sir," said she, to the learned barrister, " are you nearly done ?" " In about an hour hence, I think I shall have done." " Tilt then," said the heroine, holding up both hands clenched, " Nievy, nievy, nick nack, Whilk han' will ye tak" ?" EVERY MAN TO HIS TRADE. A RESPECTABLE professional man of Edinburgh, well known as an early friend of Burns, having been called to the country, had, as his only fellow-traveller, a worthy leather-merchant. In the course of the journey, Mr. A , with his usual readiness, poured out a variety of information on every topic that suggested itself, wliilo all that he could extract from his companion in exchange, was merely an occasional " Ay, ay ; just so ; indeed sir !" Ir- ritated by his incommunicativeness, the lawyer at length exclaimed in a passion, " In the name of all that's good, sir, is there anything on earth ye can speak about ?" " Ou ay,'' coolly replied the dealer in hides, " I'm woel acquaiiitit wi' ben'-leather.'' PAINTING FROM NATURE. A Ri!DE,ignorant fellow called on the late James Ilowe.tho painter, who was so well known for his spirited representa- tions of the lower animals, and inquired whether he was " The man that drew the pictures o' brute beasts?" " 1 am," replied Howe, " shall I take your likeness ?" DOUBLE VISION. A GENTLEMAN residing in Glasgow, who usually in- dulges himself with an afternoon walk in the country, when the state of the weather permits, called at the house of an acquaintance ou his way home, and was ushered into I.Aret) OF LOOAV. 3f?5 thR parlour, whore one of the daughters, scarcolv out of her teens— tall, pretty, and handsome — was busily plying her needle on a piece of embroidery. After the ceremonies usual on such occasions had been gone through, and while tliey were engaged in discussing the merits of a pencil sketch, which had just been finished by an elder sister, and lay on the table, the door flew open, and in skipped the daughter of a neighbour, a lively little urchin, with beauti- ful auburn ringlets flowing gracefully down her neck, and dimpled rosy cheeks, the very picture of health, whom the young lady beckoned to her, and laying her hand upon the child's head, said, " Mr. C, what lovely black eyes Jane has got !" To which the gentleman yield- ed a ready assent ; at the same time adding, " Would you like to have such a pair ?" " Yes, certainly," she instantly rejoined. " And what would you do with them, suppose you had them ?" " Why, sir," after a moments pause, shi significantly replied, — " I would give them to you 1" at the same time exhibiting a face which might have vied with the rose in the richness and depth of its colour. A FEMALE CHANCELLOR. " Dear me, mem," said a lady to her friend, " did you hear that Mr. had committed suicide?" " I heard he had committed something or other, and that it was unca serious ; but you, mem, that kens every thing, what'll be done to him, think ye?" " Done to him 1 if he does not flee the country, he'll be banished, a? sure's he's living." A DOCTRINAL PREACHER. TnE metaphysical Scotch are keen and rather unmerci. ful critics on sermons. A clergyman had been suspected of leaning to Arminianism, or of being a Rationalist, and much anxiety in consequence was felt by the flock he was called on to superintend. He put their fears to flight, lot 866 LAIRD or LOGAN. he turned out to be a sound divine, as well as a good man. On the Monday after his fust sermon had been delivered, he was accosted Jq jjjg ^valks by a decent old man, who, after thanking him for his able discourse, went on — " O sir ' the story gaed that you were a rational preacher ; but glad am I, and a' the parish, to find that you are no a rational preacher after a'." BRANDT TWIST. Some time ago, one of the itinerating knights of the thimble, who board and bed, night and day, in the houses of their customers, had been employed in an alehouse ; the guid- wife, by mistake, handed liiin a bottle of brandy along with Ills porridge, instead of small beer. Snip had not proceed- ed far in the process of mastication, when he discovered the r-rror, but recollecting tne usual niggard disposition of his liostess, continued to ply the cuttie with his wonted dexter- ity, although the poignancy of the liquor caused him occa- iionally to make wry faces. The landlady, observing his distorted features, exclaimed. " Fat ails your parridge the night, Lourie, that you're thrawin' your face, au' lookin* sae ill pleased like ?" " Ou, gin ye kent that," re- plied the tailor, " ye wadna be very weel pleased, mair than me." A DANGEROUS SHOT. At the dinner which usually takes place at Fort -William fair, the conversation on one occasion happened to turn on deer-shooting, when a gentleman present stated, that a friend of his who had lately been in Ireland, discovered, w hile out one day in pursuit of game, a fine large red deer coming down a hill in front of him ; the object was inviting ; he raised his piece, instantly the quarry dropped, and what is rather singular to bo told, the ball, he said, was found, on examination, to have entered at one of the eyes ol I.AIRD OF LOU AN "G7 (III? animal, and niado its escape by the other, so that tho one eye was knocked in and the other was knocked out. All present agreed to the singularity of the circumstance, and some, among whom was tho Ijaird of Glengarry, ap- peared much at a loss to account for the matter, when the difficulty was instantly solved to the satisfaction of all, save the narrator, by one of the company, who observed, " You're aware, gentlemen, it has been said that an Irish gun has the power of shooting round a corner, and I do not see why an Irish ball should not also be allowed at times to take a sly turn " THE LANGUAGE OF TEARP. Respkcting a certain worthy clergyman who was re- markable for the lachrymose effect which his preaching al- ways had on himself, a friend of Logan's one day observed, that it was very odd the doctor always cried when he preach- ed. " Not at all," said Logan, "for if they put you up yonder, and you found you had as little to say — my sang I you would greet too." nEFORE elders' HOURS. " If I'm not home from the party to-night at ten o'- clock," said a husband to his better half, "don't wait for me." " That I wont," said the lady, significantly,— " I wont wait, but 111 come for you." He returned at ten precisely. AN IRISH EXCEPTION. A CERTAIN society of Scottish gardeners have an annnal procession, which takes place at the season when the most gaudy display of flowers can be made, so that, in fact, it is regulated by the propitious or adverse state of the weather. 368 LAIRD OP LOGAN. A few years ago, the committee met for the purpose of fix- jng the day for the festival ; after considerable discussion, a very worthy man, named Grant, submitted the following resolution: — " Tha^ the members of this society do walk in procession, and afterwards dine together, on the first Tues- day in August, unless it should happen on a Sunday." A SCOTTISH C^SAR ATTEMPTING TO CROSS THE RUBICON. A GENTLEAiAN Very jealous lest his associates should con- sider him henpecked, asked a party to his house, more for the purpose of showing that he was master at home, thau for any great regard he had for the virtue of hospitality. Before, however, venturing on so ticklish an experiment, bethought it advisable to have a previous understanding with his bettei half — who, being one of those women who, though habitually irascible, are occasionally blessed with lucid intervals o. good nature, an arrangement was gone into, by which the sceptre of authority was to pass, for one night, into the un- practised hands of the goodman of the house. His friends kept their time — the conviviality commenced, bowl after bowl was replenished, and " the night drave on wi' sangs and clatter," till the sma' hours began to announce them- selves. The company now proposed to move, but the land- lord, proud of his newly-acquired authority, would not hear of it ; it was in vain he was told Mrs. was gone to bed, and no hot water could be had. " If she was,'' quoth the northern Caius, " she must get up again, for he always had been, and ever would be, Julius Cresar in his own house, and hot water and another bowl he was determined to have before one of them moved a foot." The company were about to accede to the determination of their kind host, when their ears were suddonly assailed by a voice from the next room (Calplmrnia locjuitur), fretful and discordant as that of a pea-hen — " There's no anithcr drap shall be drank in this house the niglit; and as lor you, Julius Cajsar, if yo hue ony regard for your ain lugs, come awa' to your bed." LAIRD OF LOGAN. .169 THE ASS TORNED GENTLEMAK. In the ye;ir 17 — , before the light of literature and science had made such progress among the peasantry of this country — when our less enlightened forefathers as^ cribod every plicnomenon of nature, which they did not un- derstand, to some supernatural agency, either benevolent or malevolent, as the case might be ; and an avowal of disbe- lief in the existence of witchcraft, necromancy, the black art, hobgoblins, fairies, brownies, &c., woiild have subjected a person to more annoyance and persecution, than an opea avowal of infidelity would do at present — three young men of family set out from Edinburgh, on a pleasure excursion into the country. After visiting Liiilitligow, Falkirk, Stir- ling, and Glasgow, thoy took up their quarters at the iiead inn in Rlidcalder, on their way back to Auld Reekie. Find- ing a set of youthful revellers there to their mind, they spent several days and nights in drinking and carousinff, never dreaming of the heavy bill they were running up with the ' kind landlady." The truth flashed upon them at fast ; and they discovered, when it was too late, that they had not wherewithal to clear their heavy score. A consultation was held by the trio, and many plans for getting rid of their disagreeable situation were proposed and rejected. At last, one of them, more fertile in expedients than the other two, hit- upon the following method, which good fortune seemed to favour, of extricating both himself and his brethren ; — " Don't you see yon cadger's ass standing at the door over the way ?" said he. "Yes; but what of that?" " Come along with me — loose the ass — unburden him ol his creels —disengage him from his sunks and branks — put me in his place — equip me with his harness — hang the creels likewise upon me — tie me to the door with his own halter — get another for him — lead him away to the next town — you will get him easily sold — return with the money — pay the bill —and leave me to get out of the halter the best way [ can." 2 b 370 LAIRD OF LOGAN, The plan was instantly put in practice ; the youth was soon accoutred in the ass's furniture, and away went the other two to sell the ass. In the mean time, out comes the honest cadger from the house, where he had been making a contract with the guid- wife for eggs ; but the moment he beheld, as he supposed, his ass transformed into a fine gentleman, he held up his hands in the utmost wonder, exclaiming at the same time, " Guid hae a care o' us ! what means a' this o*t ? Speak, in the name o' Gude, an' tell me what ye are — are ye an earthly creature, or the auld thief himsel' ?" " Alas!" responded the youth, putting on a sad counten- ancc, "hae ye forgotten your ain ass ? Do ye no ken me now ? me ! that has served you sae lang and sae faithfu' ; that has trudged and toiled through wat and through dry, mid cauld and hunger ; hooted at by blackguard callants— lashed by yoursel'— an' yet ye diuna ken me ! Waes me, that ever I becam' your ass ! that ever I should, by my ain disobedience, hae cast out wi' my father, an" provoked him to turn me into a stupid creature sic as ye now see me 1 " " Sic as I now see ye !— instead o" an ass. I now see a braw young gentleman." " A braw young gentleman !— O Gude be praised that my father has at last been pleased to restore me to my ain shape, and that I can now see wi' the een, an' speak wi' the tongue o' a man !" " But wha are ye, my braw lad, and wha is your fa- ther ? ■ " Oh, did you never hear o' Maister James Sandilands, the third son o' the Earl o' Torpichen ?" " Heard o' him ! ay, an' kent him too, when he was a bairn, but ho was sent awa' abroad when ho was young, an' T ne'er heard toll o' iiim siu' syne." " Weel, I'm tliat same Maister James ; and ye maun ken that ray father learned the black art at the college, an' that I happened to anger him by makiu' love to a fine young leddy, ixgainst ln OF LOGAN. 389 As the da^' happened to he fine, (not commonly the case ou these misnamed days) the " collector of poor rates," as ho calls himself, jtistly calculated that this beautiful approach to Glasgow from the west would be well frequented. " I am sent out here this afternoon," said the ever fertile Hawkio to the objects of his assessment, " by the clergy in (Jlasgow, to put a tax on a' you gentry that hae mistaen the kintra for tiio kirk this afternoon." A PRESS OF BUSINESS. Said an importation from the Green Isle to the street ora- tor, as he observed him draining off a glass of aqua, " Don't take any more of that vilo stuff, Uawkie, it will kill ye, man ; every glass of it is just another nail to your Nor- way jacket ; and the carpenter will bo takin' your lingth very soon, at any rate." " Hech man. Paddie," retorted Ilawkie, "your coffin would be as thick set wi' thae nails, if ye had the bawbees to pay for them, as the scales on a her- ring. Gae hame wi' you, our hangman can scarcely get time to tak' his dinner for you bairns o' the Bog." NUnSEBY RHYMES. A siNcnLAR exemplification of the force of professional habit over our thoughts and feelings, is given in the follow- ing anecdote, although the instance afforded is by one of no note in society, and the scene cast in the humble, yet noisy atmosphere of a family nursery. A lady having occasion for the services of a nurse, had one recommended to her, as well qualified for the situation, and being moreover of a very cheerful turn of mind, (a very necessary qualification for those who have the charge of infants.) This good woman was eminently favoured with a good " gift of the gab ;" but as she never used " said gift" to the prejudice of any one, her mistress frequently gave her an opportunity of indulging her favourite propeusity. One day '590 LAIRD OF LOGAW as the tender object of her care lay extended on her knee, pai'tially lulled by " Nature's soft nurse," she entered into conversation with her mistress, on the various hardships and trials she had met with in her own little family, (and who has not a little history of their own to relate ?) the health o' the "gudeman" seemed to be a source of great grief to her, he had been ailing, she said, for many years ; but of late his little stock of health seemed to be diminishing rapidly, and the poor woman dwelt with much feeling upon the helpless condition she must necessarily be reduced to, when deprived of her worthy partner. But the rest of our tale must be told in hei- own words, as she alternately de- picted the horrors of her approaching widowhood, and hush- ed or sung to the infant on her knee. " Ou ay, mem, I doubt I maun mak up my mind to part wi' John, he's sair wasted awa' since New'rday, an' hasna been fit for his wark this aughteen months." Then breaking into song, to her little charge, " Hushie my baby, your sire is a knight — your mother" — "wee larabie, what ails ye nou? hush, hush," " he's sair forfoughten at times wi' breathlessness ; hush, hushie, bonnie doo;" "deed ay, mem," resuming her croon, " I doubt hell ne'er get weel, get weel, I doubt he'll ne'er get weel — ae night just afore I cam' to you, he gaed awa' in a faint, an' I thocht he had departed, but his time, ye see, had- na just come." Then addressing her wakcrife charge in any tiling but a melancholy note — " Last May n braw wooer cam' down the lang glen, .An' sair wi'his Invo ho did deave mc." " Hoot toot, what ails my doo ; h-u-s-h, but as I was saying, mem, his end is no far aff, he's dreed a weary weird, and sair, sair, I fear the fa'in' o' the leaf, he'll ne'er pit bye it; when it fas, he'll fa'; and as he aften says himsel', wha'll help the widow and the fatherless, unless, indeed — " Duncan Orny cam hereto woo, Ha lia the wooing o't" "And now I'm getting auld mysel', and no very able to gang out, as I was wont to do, and the wee thocht o' siller that I LAIRD OF LOGAN. 391 hae scrapit thegithcr maun gaii'^ to gi'e John a decent burial, for he's wcel wordy o't ; a gude man he's been to me !" Then, as if her sorrows suggested early recollections, she chanted, " Young Jamie lo'ed me wccl, and sought me for his bride ; But saving a crown he had naething else hesidc ;" But here the impatience of the little one became so great, that the voice of the poor nurse's alternate song and complaint was silenced in the loud wailings of infant helplessness, and the feelings, which would not be stifled, were for a mo- ment forgotten in the active bustling duties of her vocation. A SELF-RIGHTEOUS 8ECEDER. The following anecdote strikingly defines the light in which we are too apt to view those who differ from us in religious opinion. A tailor who was a member of the Secession Church at Dunbarrow, parish of Dunnichen, where he had long resided, having occasion to remove with his family to a place considerably distant, where he was little known, and where there were but few Seceders, was, some time after his removal, kindly waited on by his former minister, who inquired, among other things, how he was doing for work in his new situation. " Ou, deed, sir," said the tailor gravely, " I canna be enough thankfu'; I'm doin' verra weel for wark here. I sew to a' our ain folk, an' to some o' the civillost o' the profane." " dp" and " down" for once the same. A GENTLEMAN, who with his family was in the habit of frequenting one of our fashionable wateringplaccs, employed, every summer, an old woman to reside in the house during their absence, and attend to himself when he had occa- sion to come to town, lie was also in the habit of pur- chasing a largo beef ham, so that the good dame might not be destitute of something tasty to her tea in the morning. On one of these short visits, he happened to enter the kit- 392 LAIRD OF LOGAN. chen, and on looking up to the roof, said, " I think, Margaret, our ham's coming down," meaning thereby that it was di- minishing in size. " Na, Sir,' said Margaret, " I think it's rather gaun up." A SCOTCH TASTE. A LABOURER who was very partial to " the usquebae," having performed 3 piece of work for a gentleman in the parish of Laneston, was presented, after I'eceiving payment, with a glass of his favourite beverage, which he swallowed in an instant, and looked as if he would have said, " please give me another." The gentleman not feeling inclined to take his meaning in this light, and anxious to get quit of him, asked if he would choose a glass of cold water to put the taste of the whisky away. " Eh, na, na," said the drouthie ditcher, " I winua do that ; the taste o't gaes ower sune awa'. I would rather tak' anither ane to help to keep it." A WELL-TIMED REPROOF. The late Rev. Mr Foote, of Fettercairn having occasion to attend a marriage party on a Saturday evening, was about to retire at an early hour, and had bidden the com- pany good night, when one of his own parishioners, a far- mer who seldom attended church, and who had always something to say, remarked, " Ay, ay, sir, ye'll be gaun awa' hame to thresh your Sunday strae." " Indeed, Mr. S ^ — ," replied the worthy clergyman, "ye require so little fodder, I think I might even give you a sheaf, without threshing it." COLOnn TERSUS COURAGE. A MAN of colour having one evening lost his way, in the lonely neighbourhood of Monnoman Muir, was making what haste he could to a cottage a little di-stant from tin; road, to LAraO OF LOCAI*. 393 inquire the (iirection. Being observed, in his approaeli, by one of the inmater, a girl about nine years of age, whose mmd had no doubt been stored, as is too common, with many a ridiculous nursery tale, she became quite alarmeil, on seeing a human face of another colour than her own, and running into the house, in order to gain its "benmost bore," overturned, in her haste, a buffet-stool, which was set with bread and milk for the supper table. Her father immediate- ly llcw into a rage, and seizing her by the arm, very im- properly swore by the D 1 that he would beat her for such conduct. '* O father, father," said the terrified girl, " speak laigh, for he's just at the door." HAWKIE ON PROFESSIONAL CONSISTENCY. " OicH man, Willie," said a Highland benefactress of Hawkie's, '• but it's a perfect vext to see you going about with a coat all broken out at every corner — deed is it. I'm sure there's plenty shcntlemans in our big town o' Glasgow here, that you will got you a gooter coat nor that — waur they couldna gic you, ay just for a word to them." "Weel, lady," replied Will, "it wouldua be discreet if I didna thank you for the hint ; and I think there's scores in Glasgow would gie Hawkie a coat — and they hae done't, too — they're no to blame ; but a coat that's worth a gill canna be aboon a day on my back, and I'm no sure if I could succeed in my calling sae weel, in a better coat — it behoves a man aye to be like his profession." " it's an ill thow (thaw) that comes frae the NORTH.' This saying, which is often in the mouths of our I^ow- land farmers, during the months of winter and spring, is 8ui>- posod to have had its origin in the following circumstance : — The Rev. Mr. B , of B , who lived about the middle of last century, was as eminent for his wit and humour, as 394 LAIRD OF LOGAN. for his learning and piety. On one occasion, before con- cluding an annual country diet of examination, he asked, as usual, if any person had joined the company since he commenced, or if any one was present for the first time, that he might examine them before parting. A stranger immediately stood up, and told ]Mr. B that he had lately become his parishioner, and as he resided within the bounds of the present diet, he had attended along with his neighbours. The worthy minister highly approved of his conduct, and proceeded to try his knowledge. Finding his new scholar, however, uncommonly dull and ignorant, ftlr. B remarked that, however he may have been fed, he had been but poorly taught, and inquired where he came from, and what was his name. " My name, sir," said his new parishioner, " is David Thow, an' I come frae Aber- deen." " David Thow frae Aberdeen!" retorted Mr. B , "ay, ay, man, it's an ill thow that comes frae the North." DOGGED RESISTANCE. An Irishman was engaged in arguing with his dog the propriety of his taking a cold bath in the almost unproce- dentedly hot weather of May, 1 840. An acquaintance came up, and seeing the obstinacy of the dog resisting argument, entreaty, and the inducement which generally takes with every sensible " Luath or Cajsar," a piece of thick plank was also, if not cast to the wind, certainly to the waters. " Wcel now, Jamie, what's the use of bothering yourself and the dumb cratur, that caimot spak for himself; may be, if you was knowing his raison, you wouldn't take the water naither." Hawkie caniu behind the parties. " I say, gin ony body would fling ahandfu'o' mcalon the water, baith o' them would tak' it. " RTGHTS OF PROPEllTy. A CERTAIN Lord Justice Clerk of Scotland, famed for LAIRP OP LOQAN. 395 his exploits in the field, with a gun at his shoulder, and a fair covey of partridges in his eye, was led one beau- tiful sporting day, in the too keen pursuit of game, to violate the laws he administered, and commit a trespass. So true is it, however, that the law is no respecter of persons, our dignitary, if not arraigned according to the laws of the realm, was most summarily assailed per legem terraj. The prosecutor in this instance was one of the kindly tenants of Lochmaben — " a lone woman," into whose luxuriant pre- Rerve of turnips his Lordship had strayed beyond the bounds of the friends' estates over which he was shooting. " Man," cried the pursuer, " I wish ye wad come oot amo' ma' neeps." Astounded at the irreverence of such an address, his Lord- ship authoritatively demanded whether the woman knew who he was ? "A dinna care wha' ye arc," was her answer ; " but a wish ye wad oorae out frae amo' ma' neeps 1" " Woman 1" said his Lordship, still more emphatically, " I'm the Lord Justice Clerk 1" — " Hech," cried the imperturbable dame, with a faint, angry laugh, "a dinna care wha's clerk ye are ; but I wad thank jc to come oot frae amo' ma' neeps.'' A TALE FOR THE MALTHUSIANS. A French gentleman, residing in IH19, in Suflblk Street, London, then a popular sojourn for Scotchmen and foreign- ers, had a wife who was on the tiptoe of expectation as to her confinement. Symptoms appeared — so did the ac- coucheur ; and Monsieur Quehiuechose (or whatever his name might be) adjourned to the Orange Coffee house, at the corner of the Ilaymarket, (where Mr. l\Latthews, the modern Aristophanes discovered the very " gontilman, whose hair came a leetle through his hat,") and nervously anxious about the welfare of his better-half, yet unable to remain in his anxiety at home, directed the maid-servant to como tiic instant that Madame Quelquechose was out of her trouble, and tell him. Quelquechose sat himself down in the Coffeo-house, and 396 LAIRD OF LOGAN. ordered a glass of brandy and water — he reclined in a box sipped his beverage, and thought of his wife. At about half-past nine he heard a sort of scuffle in the passage — in oaine the maid, and regardless of forms or maccaroni (tliere famous), ran up to the place where her master was seated. " Well," said Monsieur, " is him over ?" " Yes, sir," said Sally, •' ray Missus has got as fine a boy as ever you clapped your two eyes upon." " Bravo !" said Monsieur, " dero is half-a-crown for de news — ron avay vith you back. Waiter, bring me a pint of claret — I shall drink to my wife's good healt's." He was pleased — he did drink almost all his pint of wine ; but before he could get to the end of it, he heard another scuffle in the passage — bang went the door — in came the maid — " What is do matter ?" exclaimed Quelquechose, " Amelie Josephine Seraphine, my beloved Adele ill?" " 111 1" cried the girl — " La 1 uo, sir. Missus has got a fine girl, besides the little boy." "Vatl" exclaims Quelquechose — " Tvins ! — Bravo — happy me! — hey? — here Sally — dere is a five shillin' for you — good girl, ron avay to your dear mis'ress — my love — you know — and all dat. Waiter — a bottle of champaigne — voila, mon cher — Tvins ! — ha ! ha ! ha 1 ' Malbrouk, se vat en guerre.' — Oh I how happy I am." The maid went, the moussu came, and with it some bis- cuit "hot like do fire" — Quelquechose enjoyed it, — when, scarcely had he finished three glasses — coronella-looking things, with long legs and small waists — he heard another scuffle, and in again rushed the maid. " Sir," said she, without waiting to bo questioned, " my Missus has got a third baby, a beautiful little girl !" — and this she said, expecting at least a guinea. " Vat you say ?" exclaimed Quelquechose, " anoder ! Oh, dis vay shall not do — all dis is too much. 1 must go home and put a stop to dis 1" laird of logan. 397 I'll make them sing. Tub precentor of one of our city churches, during the life of a lato incumbent, having requested a day from a professional brother in Paisley, thought it but fair to state, that as the congregation esteemed the service of the lips a thing of no moment, he was not unfrequently allowed (i. e. obliged) to sing a solo of sixteen or twenty lines. Un- daunted, though surprised at a practice, at once so hetero- dox on the part of the congregation and trying to its leader, the Paisley brother entered the bench uttering the emphatic and portentous words, " I'll make them sing." The op- portunity was soon afforded to him, and his voice, clear and shrill, passed from note to note along the two first lines of the psalm, without receiving the slightest assistance from the congregation. Determined however not to be thwarted, he paused, and said, " The congregation do not seem to understand this tune, I'll try another ;" but again did he sing the two first lines, and again the echo of his own voice was the only sound that reached his ear. He paused onco more, and said, " You don't understand this one either, I'll try another." No sooner, however, did he commence the two first lines of the psalm for the third time than the tongues of the congregation were loosed, and a thousand voices swelled the notes of praise. A DEEP CDT. In a small collection of poems, entitled " Gloaming Amusements," from the classic press of Bcith, we find the following first-rate bull: — o • Unmanly, sliamolcss, worthless villain, Devoid o' every finer feclin'. Who with a base affected erace, Applauds tby brother to his face, Admires his humour, shares hia plnclc, Aud cuts bis throat behind bis bnck ! 398 LAIRD OF LOGAN TESTING THE MATTER. The Presbytery of Dumbarton had sustained the appli. catioQ of one of their clerical brethren for a new manse, and gave instructions to that effect. The graduated assessment was either in money,, or labour to a certain amount ; and the farmers were required, in terms of their lease, to deliver, carriage free, a certain number of carts of stones. Although^ his Reverence was very particular in seeing that every one discharged the portion of service required of him, it is doubtful whether he were as scrupulous in enforcing the ob- ligation of the Sinaic code of laws, as those which regarded the privileges of his order. He challenged one of his members, a farmer, for what he considered a very light load of stones, and refused to allow it to pass muster. " Ye see, minister," said the farmer, " that it's but a cowt (colt) that's atween the trams, an' it micht hurt his back to lade him sair : but I'm sure, for ane ye get heavier than what's on his back, ye hae four lichter." " I must have it weigh- ed," said his Reverence ; and, after adjusting the apparatus, and subjecting the load to the test of the scales, he founj it less deficient than he expected. The farmer retorted " Weel, sir, I tell'd ye it was na far short o' the thing: gii we were a' as doubtfu' about what you say, what wad come o'us? — ye hae been weighting and weighting at the mountains in scales every Sabbath-day sin' ye cam' amang us, but I ne'er saw ye putting up the bauks till this day." A CAUTIOUS ADVISER. The Rev. Mr. Fullarton had his servants employed ou his glebe, in carrying some stooks of corn from a hollow to an adjoining knoll, that they might be more speedily pre- pared for the barn-yard. Will Speir passed, when his Reverence inquired at him, if " the day would keep up, as it looked a wee cloudy like ?" " I canna say the noo," said Wi!l, " but I'm coming back this way at nicht, I'll ca' and tell you." laird of loqan. 399 "a colliesuanoie"— asglice, dog quarrel. No place is more likely to be favourable for seeing tlie above term practically illustrated ou an extensive scale, than a parish church in the pastoral districts of our country. The hearers are generally composed of shepherds and their retinue ; amongst whom is a due complement of dogs. To prohibit the bringing of these animals to chiu'ch, were also to forbid their owners ; for, in coming to the place of wor- ship, a circuit is taken amongst the cattle as on week-days, to see whether any are amissing or ailing, and collie conse- quently must be present to sound the muster-note. These shaggy guardians of the fold, congregate in the church-yard in summer, while in winter they take shelter in the lobby ; and the presence of the minister's dog, who is generally pri- vileged with a seat on the pulpit-stair, draws some of his less-favoured brethren towards him to e.^change nose-civi- lities ; a regular dog -riot, or " Collieshangie," is then sure to take place. A scone of this description took place in a church near Muirkirk. The minister's dog, who was as social as any member of the Presbytery, observed some of his acquaintances, and looked as significantly as ho could for them to come up his way. The hint was immediately taken, and by more too than collie had bargained for : all and sundry made their way for the pulpit-stair ; the mmis- ler's dog had no accommodation for the half; besides, not desiring acq.-iaiutanceship with some that were not so wull put on as himself, he unceremoniously began to show his teeth, and in a moment every one was in the throat of his neighbour. Robin Park, the betheral — who was always on the look-out for disturbances, and often, poor man ! as he said, " lost a head or twa o' the discourse, though maybe they could be spared whiles, keeping down din"— advanced with a long pole, or rather tree, which had been very roughly branched, and assailed the combatants : the belligerents fled towards the door, the betheral following along the narrow passage ; 400 LAniD OF LOGAN. but, instead of taking tlie door, up stairs they went into the gallery, Robin still pursuing ; and after following up all the turnings and windings of the straight, curved, and angular passages, he fairly got them without the walls ; the minister all this time not uttering a syllable until peace should be re- stored. The indefatigable Robin now returned, panting like an over-driven wheeler, and coming up opposite to the pul- pit, observed the favoured tenant of the stair looking at him, as he thought, with a leer on his nose, though he was really the sole cause of the hurly-burly. The expression of his lengthy phiz seemed to convey to Robin the words, " Hech, man, but you're sair pitten to 1" Robin looked up to his Reverence, and with head turned three inches off the perpen- dicular, inquired, " Noo, sir, will I put out your ain ?" A CAREFUL WALK. A KEVEREND Doctor in the Kirk, vho is sometimes very homely in scripture elucidations, preaching lately on chris- tian circumspection, thus illustrated the care with which the Christian ever should select his steps in life : — " You have all, my hearers, seen, or any that have not, may without much trouble, a tom-cat walking along the garden wall, amidst pieces of broken bottle-glass — see how carefully he picks his steps, oven a fright will not make him forget his propriety. " SCOTCH PERTINACITY. The late John Neilsou of the Claremont Tavern, Glasgow, when waiter with Mrs. Pollock, Prince "s Street, was ordered by a party of conceited puppies to bring them some London porter ; on presenting which, he was taken to task by the .ordsof the parlour for the time being. " That is not London porter, sir; take it away — some of your nasty home-brewed stuff that has been in the house for an ago." " I say it is Lon- don porter," replied .John ; " but maybe you're not vcrra gnid LAIRO OP I.OOAN. A0\ judges." " T:\.\iv it awav, sir, and none of your insolence." Joiin stuck to his point, till Mrs. Pollock, attracted by the disturbance, entered the room. Order was soon restored, each party relating, and looking to her for a decision in fa- vour of their respective case. She asked John where he took it from ; he answered ; she said that was where it stood, but that a bottle of Scotch porter might have been placed there by mistake, and she ordered him to bring an- other. He brought it; and, at his mistress' earnest solicita- tion olTerod an apology for his conduct. John lingered how- over behind his mistress in the room, under pretence of do- ing something, and when he thought her fairly out of hearing, he again resumed the discussion: — "Ye see, gentlomoii, 1 had to say yon to please ray mistress ; yet, for my own sake, I maun say it was London porter for a' that." A WKT SLINDAV IV TIIK niCiHIMNDS. (From the Note-Booh of a Traveller.) " The r.igeand storiiR> uaur weUeraml w.iUy seis, U yuris ran rede on spate witli wattir broun, And burnis liarlis all thare bankis doiin." fiAWtNR I)oror,As. A WET Sunday, exclaims the cit, that is nothing new of late. True, my dear friend, but a wet Sunday among the mountains is quite a different afTair to one of the same quality in town. No doubt you have your disagreeables — such as flooded streets, dripping eves, damsels scudding before the wind with inverted umbrellas, hat and wig hunt- ing by elderly gentlemen not much addicted to the chase. In the Highlands, however, it assumes a wilder and more sublime appearance. The dark misty glen, whose rocky barriers, obscured by the vapours that sail along in endless array, gives the first intimation of the coming storm ; while here and there the mountain-torrent bursts through the haze, and seems to the startled eye as if it dropped from soire 2d 402 LAIRt) OF r.OOAN. mighty reservoir in the elourls. The waves, driven by the howling blast, sweep along the bosom of the Loch, appear- ing in the distance like wreaths of snow weltering amid the dark and troubled abyss ; while, on those precipices more exposed to the winds, the cataracts are driven up- wards by the fury of the galo, till they seem to the distant eye like pillars of light trembling on the verge of their frightful steeps — the streams descending from the deeper and more sheltered ravines, swollen by the continued rain, spread over the roads, and present to the ill-stai'rei wight who happens to be abroad, one lengthened slicet of water, through which, if he should be a pedestrian, he must spla-^ii forward on his weary way. "I'vvas late on a Saturday night, such as above described when the writer, wot and exhausted with buffeting the storm reached the comfortable little inn at the head of Loch . Goad viands, a reusing fire, with the luxury of a clean, dry, and refreshing bed, soon spread oblivion over the discomforts of the day. The morning, however, set in with even a more unpromising aspect than that which closed the preced- ing night. The storm was more violent, and the rain battered against the window with increased fiwy — the mist on the iiills was dark, dense and threatening, and the wind had gathered up the Loch, till its whitened ridges mingled with the cloudy masses of vapour which had been driven downwards from the niomitains — not a sail was unfurled — every boat was drawn up on the beach — and the tempest, as if disappointed, raved over the face of nature, seeking for objects on which to wreak its vengeance. Sucli was the [irospect without. Within, a cheerful fire, a clean hearth, a table replenished with all the delicate as well as substantial accompaniments of a Highland breakfast, allur- ed the eye from the tui-moil of the elomouts without, and, very pleasingly for the time, concentrated tho ideas of enjoyment within the walls of the comfortable little apartment. iJut, alas 1 the pleasures of the table, like the rest of our joys, are Hecting iis llic tlu'c'aenl au agreeable evening. — Before 1 had time to reply to his salu- t.ition, " what weather! I have never been so near drowning in my life — three stages since daybreak — part of the road ths 404 LArRD OF LOGAN. horse would have swam, if it had not been for the weight of the cart — three times I stopped to get mj'self dried, and every time I raised a smoke as if I had been burning kelp. After all I came here with half a tun of water in the pockets of my great-coat, and I have left a perfect inundation in the room above ; I hope it will not come down upon us before dinner," " I hope not, nor after it either," said I. But before proceeding farther, I may give the reader what little information I possess respecting the individual thus brought under his notice. My tall friend, who, for good reasons, shall be nameless, is a native of the Emerald Isle, and, according to his own account, has seen every capital in Europe, and been in every clime from " Indus to the Pole." Engrossed in commercial pursuits, he has for a long time been a familiar and well known character in almost every town in Scotland. In his journeys he is frequent and regular as the tides — that is to say, ho always makes his appearance among the customers on the day announced in the circulars of the house he represents ; and though some- times peevish in his manner, and eccentric in his ideas, yet his convivial talents, his varied collection of amusing stories, and marvellous relations of hairbreadth escapes which he has experienced in his various journeyings, have rendered him so great a favourite among tiio friends of the house, that his arrival is looked forward to in every town as a sort of festival. It must however be allowed, tliat, like most of the votaries of Momus, his stories and personal adventures are told at a discount, something similar to that at which he sells certain descriptions of his goods, varying from 5 to 25 per cent, on his stories, while his adventures may be fairly entitled to an abatement equal to tliat made on Paisley thread, viz. 50, 00, 75, or what you please. 15ut let it be mentioned to his credit, that in all relations where confidence is implied, integrity requisite, or the character of a gentleman concerned, the terms are net. Possessed of a soinid, discriminating mind, aided by the advantages of (•dncation, and improved l)y continual intercourse with the LAIKD OF LOGAN. 405 vvorlil, witli all his potty liuraours, his prediicctiou for throw- ing tho hatchut, anil the use of little uniueaniug expletives, with which he interlarded his conversation, he was a very de- cent, companionable sort of fellow. To my inquiries after dinner, respecting his peregrina- tions, he gave me, among other little stories, the i'oliowiiig. which, as it is in some degree illustrative of tho Highland character, as well as of the class of anecdotes that form honest Pat's collection, I shall give it as noai-ly in his own words as possible, leaving the reader, however, to put in the expletives, where he feels disposed. " You may think it a lie," said he, " but I have scarcely had any rest these si.^ nights. Two nights ago, I was at Ardrisaig, where I expected to have slept hke one of the seven ; but just about daybreak I was waked by a yell that might have raised the dead. Starting up, 1 made one jump from my bed into my trousers, and hastened down to the kitchen, where I found a great yahoo of a llighlandman standing on the middle of the floor in a state of nudity, with his hair erect, his teeth ciiattering, and every part of his body quivering and shaking as if he iiad got the ague. 1 snatched up a petticoat that lay on a chair (Highlanders of his grade seldom sleep in their shirts), threw it over his head, and in{iuired the cause of his alarm. By this time the kitchen wai crowded, and all the answer we could get, was something which he mumbled in GibHc, with the look and tone of a maniac, that served rather to puzzle than explain the art'air. After a good deal of investigation, however, tlie mystery was unravelled. The poor fellow, it seems, had come from the braes of Lochaber, for the purpose of emi- grating to Canada, and being tired had gone to bed at au early hour. It happened that a merchant who was proceed- ing to Oban, or sumo other town in that direction, with a general assortment of goods ia order to open shop, had ar- rived by one of the Inverary boats, and being obliged to wait for a northern conveyance, he had his goods taken to the Liu. Among the various articles wnich composed the mis- 406 LAIRD OF LOGAN. cellaneous collection, was a carved head of a Blackamoor, which he inteuded to put over his door as a sign, to attract the snuff and tobacco fanciers of his neighbourhood. It chanced, either by accident or design, that the ominous head was taken to the bedroom of the poor emigrant, and placed on the top of a chest of drawers where blacky had a full view of the unconscious sleeper. In the dusk of the morning, when every object assumes a dubious appearance, the eyes of the shirtless Celt, w ho had never beheld a sable comple.xion before, were fixed in horror on the awful apparition ; and he gazed in silent agony on what he verv reasonably believed to be the grand enemy of his soul. At last, raising himself on his hands and knees, and keeping his eyes immoveably fixed on the object of his terror, he crawled, crab-like, over the opposite side of the bed, and continued his judicious method of retreat, till his hand came in contact with a heavy poker ; this he grasped as a drown- ing man would a straw, and making a rush at the foe, he, in the desperate energy which his fear inspired, let fall a blow which sent the demon in splinters about the room. Without waiting to renew the conflict, he sprung screaming from the room down stairs to the kitchen, at a hop-skip-and- leap pace, clearing a distance that would have gained him the prize at any of the Strathfillan games. His mumbling became intelligible, and his e.\clamation " Mliarbh mi an Diabhol !"* was perfectly understood, and excited roars of laughter from the bystanders. How the merchaut and he settled about the damage I did not wait to inquire ; but 1 thouglit to myself, what consternation would have taken place among the clergy, if Donald had turned out a man of his word — they would no doubt have dreaded that, " Othello's occupation being pono." they must expect to be placed on the peace establishment." J. I). Cahkick. ' I liavo killed the devil 1 LAHLD OF I.OOAN. 407 niGULAND ECONOMT. In the thinly pop\ilated parts of the Highlands, his Majes- ty's face, as taken by tho Master of the Mint, whether in silver or copper (gold is seldom seen), is in great roijuest. The possessor of a few of those miniatures of Majesty, will think nothing of performing a journey of a hundred miles to eflect the most paltry saving. The line of conveyance is usually not the most direct, but circuitous, and resembles tacking at sea; the stages are from the house of one frieud or relation to another; and thus they are often franked to the journey's end. A couple of industrious men, father and son, made '" a business of it," as they phrase it, in a small town on the West Coast ; at any rate, they made it their business to become possessed of a portion of the treasures of the Mint. The mother, old and infirm, being seized with water in thi chest, her life was despaired of by the medical attendant ; and the prospect of a funeral in the family put Malcolm and his son to their ai-itluiietic; and how to lessen the expenses of interment was the subject of serious consultation. " You see," said the father, " Danie, my son, it's an awfu' money that they'll take here for coffin-mounting, and they'll always put more in the charge for that, than five times the price in Glasgow ; — so you will just go away there to-morrow ; and stay wi' your second cousin, Alister M'Phedron, the morn'ji nicht, and cross the ferry in the inornuig — the ferryman i.i acquaintance wi' Alister, and he'll no charge for the boat, you see, and you'll be in the town itsel' next nicht." The obedient son accordingly set oil" for Glasgow in the morning, and followed the directions given by his father. In buying the gilded insignia of woe ho speculated a little ou his own account, and showed that, like an observing sou, he had profited by paternal example. " You have purchased two sets of muuuting," said his friend with whuia he lodged ; "you have not also heard of your father's death?" " Och, no ; not yet, though he has more age than my mother ; yon 408 LAIRD OF LOGAN. see I'll bocht two sets here cheaper nor one set at Duach- drinnan." " But what can you do with two sets ? — you'll be going to lay it past for your own use ?" " Pugh no, man, I'm but a young lad ; it's no ray time yet ; but some other body will make use of it — since you will have it, the old boy himself will no maybe be long after my mother." FEMALE ASTRONOMERS. During the annular eclipse of 1836, two old female worthies were heard discussing the merits of the two luminaries, who were the principal performers on that occasion. Kirsty (who had all along been loud in praise of the moon), at the time of the greatest phase, was in raptures at the thought of her favourite beating the sun ; but her neighbour, Janet, not being so sure of the advantage, asked her, " What way in a' the world hae ye cast out wi' the sun? My certie ! I'm sure you're gay an' niuckle oblig- ed to it, and it ill becomes you, or ony ither body, to say ought against sic an auld and faithfu' frien'." " Oh, dear me 1 Janet, you're awfu' ignorant ; o' what use has the sun been to either you or mo ? the moon gi'es us light in time dark Saturday eens, but tlio sun never shines but whon it's daylight." THE LAIUD OF DKIBBLEDRIECH AND THE BLUE MONKEY The I.aird of Dribbledriech affords a pretty fair spuci- muii of a certain class of landed proprietors in the West of Scotland; thaugli not over-refined in his manners, yet his goodness of heart and the respectability of liis connexions, ensure him a pretty genera! reception in what is considered genteel society. It is common for tliose who wish to ex- cuse or extenuate the peccadilloes of tlieir lavonritcs, to say, that "every man has his fault." Though our Laird moves in a circle of as indulgent, good-natured friends as any of tln< poor erring sons of Adam need be blessed witii, yet thev LAIKU OF LOGAN. iO'J are frequently coinpulled to admit, tbut in his case tlie re- marii will not literally hold good, as ho is well kiiowu to carry at least two faults or blots oa his moral escutcheon, and these are of such a nature that it is much to be feared the " recording angel," even were he inclined, would re- quire to liuld Uio " onion to her eye," before she could mus- ter suflieient moisture to obliterate the record. The faults referred to may be briefly described. The ono is a leech- like propensity towards the bottle, to which he will stick with the most persevering assiduity from the drawing of the cloth till the crowing of the cock, when our Laird is gen- erally found in that state which, in the language of the e.t- Disc, is termed " full to the bung ;" being then heavy, as may naturally be supposed, ho relaxes his efforts, and, like tiie little blood-sucker alluded to, when similarly saturated, (piits his hold, and rolls over. The other fault, is an inve- terate habit, while in the company of ladies, of giving utter- ance to innuendoes, and other little freedoms of speech happily now banished from society, more calculated to raise the blush than the smile on the faces of those of the fair sex who may chance to bo within earshot. On one occasion, be- ing invited to dine with the Laird of Lownhowf, Dribbledriech thought proper to indulge his predilections to the utmost, and was ultimately successful in driving the ladies from the room. The carousal continued till the " witching time o' night," when Lownhowf, " A fine, fat, fodgel wight," assisted him to zig-zag his way through the mazes of the old-1'ashioned fabric to his bed-room, where, left to himself, he managed to uncase, and having clapped his red worsted extinguisher on his head, he " dowsed the glim," and proceeded to bed. It is said there is much between the " cup and the liu ; ' it may also be said, there is much between the pillow and the snoose. This night, one of those bottle-imps, vulgarly called blue devils, took it into his head to pay his FiUbX visit to his Lairdship. Far amid the ilarkuess (for tlw 410 LAIRD OF LOGAN. moonlight had been carefully excluded) appeared a flicker- ing blue light, which, to the terrified imagination of the Laird, gradually arranged itself into the form of a monkey, so small at first that it might with ease have danced the " tippler's reel" inside the tumbler that had lately been drained. Increasing in size as it advanced, the straining eyes of the poor Laird beheld with horror the frightful blue monster, now as large as a baboon, perch upon the foot of his bed, where it commenced skipping from side to side with as much quickness and regularity of motion, as if impelled from behind by the practised hand of a Paisley shuttle- driver. After performing its gambols for some time, it ceased, and the features, ugly enough before, began slowly to exhibit, a la kaleidoscope, all the horrific variety of the family gallery of pandemonium. The distracted Laird now bolted up on his centre joint, like a Dutch toy, and found himself nez a nez to the horrible apparition, which laying his ugly mug to his ear, breathed into it the following ap- palling intimation : " Your double ontendres, your innuen- does, and your female-otfending indelicacies, are all put down against you in my uncle's night-book, and your sentence is this : — your amiable and too indulgent rib is to be taken from your side — you are also to be driven from the society of ladies, and in future to have no company o' nights but uncle and I, till you make sulficient atonement for your past offences " The poor culprit instantly fell back like u log to his former position, and the blue fiend again amused himself with a few shuttle skips across the bed, and emitting a hissing sound, disappeared like a streamer amid the dark- ness of the room. The bewildered Laird being now left to himself, recovered liis recollection so far as to stretcli forth his hands on all sides to Tcel for his help mate. Finding her place vaciinl, he jumped out of bed in great terror, and groped about the room for the fair absentee. ,\fter a fruitless search, and a few rude repulses from bod-posts, chairs, and other articles of furniture, in a fit of consternation and despair, ho LAIRD OF I.OUAN 411 oommeacud drumming with iiaiids and feet against a nailed- up door wliicli liiid formei-iy been an entry to an adjoining bedroom, and bawled out the name of the lost one, in a straiu equally plaintive, though rather more audible than the wailing of the turtle. The noise alarmed one of the ladies of the " place," who happened to occupy the room in question, and who, thinking the disturbance was occasiont- d by housebreakers, hastily rose and threw open the shutters, whi-n oui' forlorn " Coelebs in search of a wife," seeing the light through a chink, he applied his ogler to the aperture, and under the influence of an already overheated imagina- tion, beheld with dismay, the tall, thin, white figure of the lady standing in a flood of moonlight. One pei'(i was enough, the horror-struck Laird s[)rung in terror to the opposite side of the room, where he came in contact with a real door, and again began to hammer and to howl. The old house of Lownhowf was now one scene of confusion ; landlord, guests, men and maids, cook and scullion, were hurrying with lights from one place to another, while along the passages, the ladies in their interesting night-dresses might be seen popping out and popping into their bedrooms, anxious to learn what all the hurly-burly was about. 'Twas the landlord himself that opened the bedroom door of his panic-struck guest, whom he found in a fearful state of trepidation, the perspiration breaking from every pore of his body — his hair like a heckle — his eyes strained to the size of oyster-shells, and his face distorted almost beyond the power of recognition. " Where am I ?" and " Where is Mrs ?" roared the terrified disturber ol' the peace. as soon as the light flashed upon him. *' You are," said his host, with a gravity becoming the occasion, " in the mansion-house of liownhowf, and this is called the minister's room." It was not enough: " Where am I ?"and " Where is Mrs ? ' he continued to exclaim, beating the floor violently with his hoofs " 1 have told you where you are," replied the other, rather pettishly ; " as you did not bring Mrs here, you can best answci- the latter question •112 LAIRD OF LOGAN. yourself." " Oh ! 1 see it all," cried the troublesome guest, his fears bogianing to abate as the well-known faces of his evening associates presented themselves. " G — bless you," he cried, wringing the hand of his host, " you've relieved my mind from a fearful state of anxiety. I know I've been much to blame; but make my peace with the ladies, and say, I will sooner bite off my tongue, than say a word again to offend them. Good night, good night, I'll to bod in peace uow." J. D. Carrick. BEOINNING AT THE WRONG END. At alittle select party of " bien bodies," there was an an- cient couple present, who had made a competency in a small shop in Aberdeen, and retired from business, leaving their only son as successor in the shop, with a slock free from uverv incumbrance. But John, after a few years, failed in the world, and his misfortunes became the theme of discourse. Mrs. A. Dear me, Mrs. K., I wonder how your Johnnie did sae ill in the same shop you did sae weel in .-' Mrs. K. — Hoot, woman, it's nae wonder at a' Mrs. A. — Weel, how did it happen? Mrs. K. I'll tell you how it happened. Ye mauu ken, when Tam and me began to merchandise, wo took parritch ni"-ht and morning, and kail to our dinner : when things grew better, we took tea to our breakfast. A- weel, woman, they aye mended, and we sometimes cof't a lamb-leg, for a Sunday dinner ; and before we gae up, we sometimes coft a chuckle, we were doing so weel. Noo, ye maun ken, ^vhen Johnnie began to merchandise, he began at the chuckie- A GOOD-NATURED CLIENT. A CERTAIN Scotch magistrate, well known for his plea- santry and good humour, stepped into the chambers of a law-agent, to inquire into the progress of a hiw-plea; ho was told defences had been given in; that it was next ne- LAFRD OF LOGAN. 4U> eoisary to ludgc loplics ; anil lliat. aftor that, ()robahiy du- plies would be ordc'i'cd. " And after that, I suppose," rc- j )ined the magistrate, "comes the money-plies, which, nao duubt, vc'll rufkon the best o' a' plies." HINTS TO EMIGRANTS. An acquaintance of Bailie M'G of D , made a grievous complaint to him one day of the hard times, and the impossibility of scraping together a livelihood in this wretched country. The Bailie's own experience ran direct- ly counter to these dolorous croakings, for his industry had realised a handsome competence; but ho knew too much of the world to attempt proving to the coraplainor, that his ill success might be partly his own fault. He contented him- self with remarking that it was surely possible for a trades, man to draw together a tolerable business. " Not in this country," his friend repeated. " Weel, then," said the Bailie, " what say ye to emigration ? I have heard that some push tlieir way gayan weel at Hobart Town or the Cape." " Yes," replied his desponding townsman, " that might be the case ance in a day, but if there is business there, mae folk arc there than can get a share o't." " Weel, it may be true ye say," rejoined the Bailie, whose policy it was never to contradict any man directly, "but ye might gang further — ye might gang np into the interior." "There's naebody there," said the inveterate grumbler, " but kangaroos." The worthy magistrate was something nettled at this pertinacious hopelessness, and concluding that kangaroos were a tribe of native savages among whom a careful pedlar might make indifferent good bargains, he replied hastily, " Wfcl-a-woel, and isna a kangaroo's siller as guide as anither man's?" BACCniE LEE. r.i-ronE tlic bridge of Dalserf, in Lanarkshire, was built. 411 LAIUD OF LOGAN. about forty years ago, a ferry-boat was Kept there by Bauchie Lee, a ■very eccentric character, possessed of great shrewdness and humour. The Earl of Hyndford (the last of the title) had occasion very frequently to pass the ferry, wlien he generally gave Bauchie a sliilling, although the charge was only one penny. His Lordship cracked many a joke with Bauchie, who, in return, used a good deal of free- dom ; but the former, on a particular occasion, determined to puzzle the ferryman, and, having got across the river, liis Ijordship leaped out of the boat, without so much as putting his hand into his pocket. Bauchie, apparently thund*"'- struck at the occurrence, for a while eyed the Earl, who, before he had gone many paces, was interrupted with the veliement vociferation of " Min', my Lord, gin ye hae lost your purse, it wasna in my boat." The good Earl, laugh- ing heartily, retraced his steps, and rewarded Bauchie with a double gift. About the same time, wlien the Rev. Mr Risk was minis- ter of the parish, it used to be infested with innumerable gangs of beggars. The reverend gentleman, anxious to put a stop to the nuisance, gave strict injunctions to Bauchie, not to take any mendicants across the water. This was not at all relished by the boatman— tliat class being gener- ally his best customers ; for, besides paying the ferry, they often held merry doings in his house. Bauchie durst not disobey, but, at all hazards, he determined on having his re- venge; and it was not long before an opportunity occurred when he might inflict his retributive vengeance. One day, the clergyman had occasion to cross, for the purpose of dining with some of his p.arishioners ; he had not been long on the op|)osile shore, when the rain began to fall in tor- rents. He was, accordingly, under the necessity of borrow- ing an old great -coat to save liis clothes ; and, in order that his hat might not be damaged, it was laid aside, and the minister's head enshrouded in a napkin. Thus metamor- phosed, he regained the side of the river, and in vain bawled lustily for Bauchle's assistance. Tlie cunning boatman well LAIKD OF LOGAN. 'll.'i knew the voice ; but recollecting his minister's injunction, sat still in the house, chucklhig over the exasperated clergy- man. At length he came out, and, with voice stento- rian, responded, " I tell ye, frien,' I canna tak' ony beg- gars owcr in my boat — the minister winna alloo me.'' After this had been repeated several times, "anl aftir." as Bauchie used to tell the story, " I saw he was weel druckit, an' as hoarse as a craw, I pretended to recognise him. Tut, is'tpos.sible, I took ye for ane o' the beggars, minister, — wha wad hae thocht o" aae o' your station comin' ower in such a dress I" A GLASGOW BI.OW-OnT. Perhaps no class of men derive so much advantage h'om letters of introduction as the fraternity to which 1 be- long ; and as these advantages may be gleaned more or less, in almost every grade of society except the lowest, it ought to be a matter of consideration with all dependents on the Palettk, to have their letters of as miscellaneous a character as possible. For myself, I was particularly at- tentive as to this matter ; so much so. that I have been dining in lilythswood Square on turtle, turkey poult, aud roast venison, with the accompaniment of hock or chani. ])aigno: and the same evening, sujjping in a back land in the Trongate, with a frank, laughter loving, mottled-faced butcher and his jolly double-chinned helpmate, on minced collops, black-puddings, and whisky toddy ; and I will hon- estly admit, that I have found greater benefit in my pro- fession from the vulgar, straight-forward, wish to-be friendly sort of conduct of the latter, who nould often banter his nciglibours and their wives into a sitting, than from any fashionable friend at the west end, who would too often eonsider that by having my feet under his mahogany for an afternoon, he had sufficiently honoured the draft which I held on his good offices. It must however be acknowledged, that a letter of introduction is, in the present age, gener- 416 LAIRD OF LOGAN. ally considered to mean little more than a passport to the table of the person to whom it is addressed, at some one of the stated feeding hours of the day, and these hours are chiefly regulated by the circumstances, temper, and profes- sion of the individual. For instance, if any of my readers have such a letter to a clergyman, or a person connected with missionary or temperance societies, I would advise him not to expect anything more than an invitation to breakfast ; and really an invitation of this kind, particularly if it should be given in winter, must appear to every reflecting mind rather as an infliction than an act of courtesy ; but as such an act the unfortunate letter-carrier is bound to re- ceive it. If the letter happens to be addressed to a manu- facturer, a merchant, a lawyer, or a substantial housekeep- ing bachelor, the hope of an invite to " pot luck" may bo very rationally entertained. If to a family-man, with more than one daughter, a card to tea is sure to be the result, when the bearer will find (provided he happens to be a sin- gle man) a whole circle of elegant, fascinating creatures with their intelligent mammas, awaiting his arrival. It was to a party of this kind that I made my first bow in Glasgow, and though I could not consider those present entitled to rank first in the list of fashionables, yet the affair, so far as unceasing loquacity among the ladies was concern- ed, went off" with considerable eclat. The eldest daughter of our host presided at the tea-table, that is to say, she poured out the fragrant beverage, and kept a sharp look- out on the ladies and gentlemen to whom the various cups were appropriated. This is reckoned a most important du- ty, which no young lady with any pretensions to good breeding will ever neglect. The formalities being gone through, and the kind, consid- erate mistress of tiie ceremonies having, in the usual set jihrases of tea-table politeness, pressed the ladies and gen- tlemen to take out their spoons '" for another cup, lialf- cnp, or quarter," " the tea-things" were r(>moved, and the l)u/z of sui)prpssod conversation gradually spread round I-AIUU Of LOGAN. 417 llie rouiii, and wa\ed louder aud loudiT us tlio parties en- gaged found themselves getting more at their ease witii oaeh other. The old lady proposed that the two daughters of our host should favour the company with a duet. I was ra- ther surprised at the request, as odg of the girls hada burr aud the other a snivel, and how these would harmonise, I was at a loss to know. I was, however, told that the la- dies were " terrible fine singers," and a number of the gentl ,- men, who appeared to be no strangers to the vocal powen of the fair ones, exerted their eloquence in urging them to commence. To these importunities, papa and mamma ad- ded their parental injunctions; "a slight cold," "hoarseness,'" "head-ache," "inability," were all severally pleaded, ao cording to the usual form, but not being sustained by the company, after a good deal of ill-affected reluctance, the same old lady, who had been instrumental in bringing forward the talents of the ladies to the notice and ap- plause of the company, now proposed that "our Geordie," as she called a tall awkward-looking figure, who sat with his hands a-la-muff, in the recesses of his trowsers, should amuso the company with a piece of recitation. " Our Geor die," after a few excuses, lurched forward towards a vacant space in the room, and spreading forth a pair of hands like a brace of fire-shovels, commenced to give " ^lary the Maid of the Inn." The toddy-bowl was at length introduced, and our hospi. table landlord assumed the wooden sceptre ; the glasses circulated with effective rapidity, while toast, song, and recitation came spontaneously forth from the different quarters of the room. In the intervals between the display of melody and eloquence, the gossip of the ladies became amusingly loud, while the disjointed snatches of their con- versation, as they fell upon the ear, produced an effect sufficiently absurd; it is scarcely possible to give eveu a faint idea of the confused tittle-tattle in which the terms " marriage," " silk gown," " nice man," " pink saucers," " new boa," " fine girl," " coral and bells," " splcudid 2 K 419 LAIRD OF LOGAN. coffin," " dress cap," " Prussian bracelets," "pious woman," " box ticket," " muff and tippet," " steam-boat," " venison," "haberdashery," " Dr. Chalmers," " tooth powder," "baby linen," " strawberry jam," " handsome sideboard," and a thousand others, fell in ridiculous disorder on the ear. Tired with listening to the noisy fragments of a conversation which I could not understand, I drew towards a little coterie of intelligent matrons who seemed to have formed a con- versational party in a recess where the annoyance was not so great; here I had the gossip of the evening more in de- tail, which was proceeding thus, as I came within earshot : " O, mem 1 speaking about butter, did ye hear what hap- pened to me in the butter-market the ithcr day ?" " No, raem, dear me what happened?" " I'll tell ye that, mem — it was just the other night I was thinking to mysel, and, thinks I to mysel, in these hard times, if I could get a bar- gain o' some butter, although it was a wee auld-tasted, or mottie, it might do weel enough for servants, as they might pick the motes out o't at night when they were na thrang ; so I gaes awa' to the bazaar next day, and I asked a woman if she had ony dirty butter for servants, and she answered in a gay thieveless-like way ; and I goes awa to twa or three, asking if they had ony dirty butter for servants, and I was never dreaming o' onything wrang, but when I looks roun', there's a great band o' idle-like hizzies, wi' their baskets, and they a" began to abuse me ; and I says to them, quo' I, ye idle-like women, quo' I, is that the way to speak to ane that might be your mistress ? so I turns and romes awa, and the hale tot followed me down the Oandleriggs, crying, ' dirty butter, dirty butter,' after me. I declare I never was sae muckle affronted in the hail course o' my life." " Ah ' Mrs. Pctticraw, nae wonder ye was affronted — servants ha gane aff at the nail a' thegither now : I'll toll ye how I was served the ither day. Our gudeman's gay and fond o' a sheep's head, ye see, mem, and I took ane o' the lasses wi' mo to the market, to buy a sheep's head, and twa three odds and ends that I wanted, and when I lanie liiclc, tlierf'.s LAIHD OF LOGAN. 419 iome ladies waiting for me ia the parlour, and I gaes awa ben to gi'e the ladies a dram — ladies look for sometliing o' that kind when they come into a house, ye see, mem — weel, when the ladies gaed awa, I gaed ben to the kitchen, to see how the lass was comia' on wi' the head — weel, what do you tiiink she's doin', mem ? — she has a skewer in her hand, and she's picking the een out o' the sheep's head— dear me, quo' I, lassie, quo' I, are ye picking the een out o' the beast's head ? ' O,' quo' she, ' mistress, I didna ken they were for eating.' ' Didna ken they were for eating 1' quo' I, ' the very best bit in a' the beast 1' Now, Mrs. Petticraw, could ony liviu' Hesh endure the like o' that ?" Mrs. Petticraw was about to reply, when silence was called from the chair, and it was announced that .Mr. Momus M'Phun was going to favour the company with his "Granny." Mr. Momus was the wag of the company ; for be it known unto thee, gentle reader, that no "real convivial" party ia considered com. olete in Glasgow, unless there is a " wag," " an original," »r a " droll fish" in attendance. Mr. Momus M'Phun com- menced his exhibition by dressing his hand with the assis- tance of his handkercliief and a burned cork, so as to appear as .the face of a little old woman, and tho resemblance, it must be confessed, was ludicrously like ; he then proceeded to hold a colloquy with it. Mimicking, with considerable effect, the toothless garrulity of age, his imitation called forth quite a tempest of applause ; and when the uproarious mirth which he excited had a little subsided, the glasses were filled, and the host after ringing a peal on the edge of the bowl, called upon tho company to drink a bumper to Mr Momus M'Phun and his Granny. The door now opened and a servant entered, bearing a tray loaded with sandwiches, cold fowl, tongue, cheese, cake, and other little items of confectionery. With those she proceeded .slowly round the room, which was now crowded to excess ; and a little way behind her came Mr. Momus M'Phun, in his character of wag, or clown of tho evening, carrying a mustard-pot aud spoon, vith vb-'-b ho 420 LAIRD of LOGAN. played off some excellent practical jokes, that told with great effect on the younger portion of the ladies. Behind him came " our Geordie," bearing a large goblet of porter. The repast being over, the bowl was resumed and the amusements of the evening proceeded, till one of the elderly matrons observed, it was " time the ladies should get on their things." The fair ones instantly took flight, and the gentlemen gathered round the bowl, and drank the health of the absentees with praiseworthy enthusiasm. After a reasonable absence, the ladies, at the urgent en- treaties of our hostess, returned, and all the company having formed a circle round the bowl, joined in singing " Auld lano- syne." "Deuch an dorus" was then handed round, after which, the ladies being committed to the charge of the different gentlemen, we were lighted down stairs. On reach, in"- the street, a general shaking of hands took place ; on exchanging this civility with Mrs. Petticraw, I received a very kind invitation to a party which she intended giving the ensuing week. J. D. Carrick. JOTTINGS FROM THK JOURNAL OF A PAISLEY MANUFAC- TURER DORINO HIS FIRST VISIT TO LONDON, AND PAS- SAGE THITHER. THE CLIPPERS. We cam' to a remarkable beacon called the Shears, which is placed on a bank near the entrance o' the river Thames, where an awfu' calamity had at one period taken place. It seems, a Scotch vessel, loadened witii throe hundred tailors, going to London, either for work or to seo the fashions, struck upon this bank on a dark wintry nicht, and every soul o' them perished. The mate, who told me the story, said it was so far fortunate they were tailors, as it reduced to one- ninth part the number of men's lives lost on the occasion ; but I thocht the joke was ill-timed. Howsomever, to warn LAIRD OF LOnAN. 421 illicr vessels o' the danger, a most gigantic pair of Siioars are set up, (from which the town of Sheerness, close by, has its name,) in commemoration of the event, and of the loss that the tailor craft sustained on this melancholy occasion. Indeed, it is a wonder it did not produce a strike amang the knights o' the lawbrod, seeing it must have thinned their ranks considerably. THE THAMES AND THE KINDS o" CRAFTS THEREON. It is clean ayont the power o' man to describe the river Thames. I might, aiblins, gi'e a sma' inkling o' its uncos, its turnings and windings, the number o' the ships, brigs, barques, hoys, smacks, and ither craft, that were sailing up and down, here and there, and everywhere : but the fack is, no idea can be formed of the grandeur of the whole, without being bodily present in the flesh. Besides this, I was so often dumfoonered with the vessel taking frae side to side, m consequence of an adverse wind, that my head was fra quently turned ; and which had the eileck of jumbling my seven senses on more occasions than one. The captain, also, kcepit up a vile rackit for twa or three hours, crying and shouting to the sailors ; indeed, I thocht at one time he wad hae lippen out o' his little jacket when a coal vessel giod us a dungel in passing. The marvellous variety on baith sides o' the river, such as windmills, towns, villages, fortifications, and what not, to which falls to be added, the outpouring and in- pouring o' the wealth o' nations on the river itself, and all on so grand a scale, — I say, taking the tottle of the whole, it will not be surprising if I should adopt the language of the worthy Dr. Kittletext, who, when he wishes to gctquat o' a knotty point in his sermon, says, " the time would fail me to illustrate the third division o' the second head ;" so that, in imitation of my respected pastor, we will just mak a skip frae Gravesend to Wapping without alluding to Woolwich or Greenwich, saving and excepting, that between the twa. places I saw four men hanging in chains, the whillj 422 LAIRD OF LOGAN. I wish I never had seen, inasmuch as they spoiled my rest for mony a nicht afterwards, by appearing verily and bodily present whenever I attempted to steek my een. We at length arrived at the wharf. It being a Saturday nicht, there was an unco bustle and hurry-scurry to get ashore wi' the feck o' the folks. I had before this soonded the steward if I micht sleep on my auld bunker, seeing I was an entire stranger to the metropolis, to which he readily consent- ed. Having thus got to the end of our journey, and a quiet sough established in the vessel, we thocht we were entitled to weet our wizzens, and drink the Saturday nicht's toast, conform to use and wont. In this conveevial labour we were ere long joined by the captain, who had also got his bit brattel over, and who, I must say, had acted his pairt like a man during the whole o' the voyage. We had a great spate o' clatter as weel as a spate o' drink, till at length we were a' getting reezy, when the steward hinted that it was time for us to be trintling aff to our bunkers, which advice was adopted by one and all of us. THE KIRKS IN THE SOUTH AND THEIR IMAGERY — AND HOW THE SDNDAVS ARE OBSERVED THERE. The next morning being Sunday, my companion during the voyage, the Hosier, proposed that we should tak a quiet dauner up the town, and gang to some kirk, and aiblins we might see some ferlies aniang hands. So, after breakfast, we started, speering all the way for St. Paul's. Having got there, we ventured in, and listened for a while to the organ ; but my neebour was raair fond of attending to the images sot up round the walls than to the service o' the Church o' England. Such unchristian sichts as these mar- ble idols in a church, I looked upon as most unseemly, and considered the whole to smell strongly of rank heathenish Popery ; but here, it appeared, I was out at the elbows in my notions, for my fleecy hosiery frieu' proved to me, by the ia-c. iplions belonging to ilk auo o' them, that there was LAIRD OF LOGAN. 423 neither a saint nor a Virgia Mary amang the hale tot before us ; but, on the contrair, they were all great warriors who had fallen in battle, with the exception of a philosopher here and there, such as Dr. Johnson, who had spoken ill o' the Hielans, and the rest o' our calf kintra, in former times. Having made up our minds to visit St. Paul s on a week-day. we thocht we would tak a daiker the length o' St. James's, thinking that perhaps we micht see some of the lloyal Family gaun to the kirk in the afternoon like ither humble Christians. Accordingly, me and the Hosier took the road ; but sic a wearifu' tramp I never had a' my days. Some folks did not understand what we said to them ; and in many instances we understood them as ill ; besides, I am of opinion, that some ill-deedy bodies set us aff the road now and then, just for a ploy to themsels. At lang and length we got to the palace; but, dear o' me, there was naething to be seen there but a great muckle brick house, and twa or three sodgers walking sentry in front of it. All being so still and quiet, I inquired in a hamely and condescendin way at ane o' the sodgers, if there was ony thing wrang, and if the King and his family were at hame ; and above all things, gif ony o' them were expeckit out ere lang ? The ill-bred ne'er-do-weel gied a nicher o'a laugh, and telt us " we hai better be inquiring our way for the Scotchman's mark as quick as we could," without ever deigning to gi'e us ony information touching the King or his bairns. I had no correck notion o' the sodger's meaning at the time ; but I learned afterwards, that St. Paul's is understood in London to be the Scotchman's mark on all occasions. By this time o' the day we had become rather yawp, and wcr» much in want o' something to refresii tlie inner man ; but an eating-house was a commodity not to be found all hcre- ibouts. It came into my mind, that as the big gentry would for the maist pairt tak' tlieir pick at hame, it stood to rea- son that there would be little trade for eating-shops in that neighbourhood; we accordingly ventured into some of the back streets, and soon got ourselves housed. Instead, 424 LAIRD OF LOGAN. however, of getting a private room, we were shown into a place where every one saw what his neebour was eating, and heard what he was saying. At this we were no little commoved, knowing that all and sundi'y would scent us out to be Scotchmen. The Hosier, therefore, to try his hand, made one attempt to speak fine English in ordering our bit feed ; but in consequence of lugging in some Embro words, the fack is, he spoiled the effeek of the whole. On the strength of our melteith, and also having comfort- ed our stamacks wi a tass o' brandy, we sallied furth to see Hyde-Park, and a' the grandeur and splendour conneckit therewith. It is out o' the power o' mortal man to gi'e ony idea o' the numbers that were riding in coaches and on horseback, besides the thousan's that were daunering about on their feet. Indeed, I did not think there were so many great folks in the hale warld, as what we saw on that occa- sion. The leddies lookit like princesses o' the blood royal, and the feck o' the gentlemen like dukes, at the verra least. There were also some puir empty taids o' bodies whisking aboot in rickety gigs, and lots o' ribband measurers on scranky hacks, a' setting themsels desperately forrit to at- track attention ; but with all my inexperience o' such gather- ings, I could easily see that the gentleman was the gentle- man, all the world over. Having seen so much, and being by this time a wee thing tired, as weel as being nearly chokit with the cluds o' stour that were kickit up noos and tans, I thocht it behoved us to set our neb haniewards. Ac- cordingly, we turned our backs on this vanity-fair, and took the sodgcr's advice, by speiring for St. Paul's. ANENT THESE OUTCASTS, AS TET THE JEWS. BEsrDEB the afT-fa'ings o' a' nations that congregate here, I found that several tribes o' the children o' Israel have madejjondon their abiding place, and wi' their pickles o' warldly wisdom, are making siller like sclate-slanes. I learned, however, that they will not lawbour wi' their twa IjAraD OF LOOAN. 425 hands at any trade or band^'craft occupation, but, for tlio maist pairt, aro in the mercantile way. They do exten- sively in the old clothes' trade, which, I believe, is their staple branch. They are also the principal venders of oranges, apples, penknives, pencils, and other siclike small wares. There ought, however, to be an Act of Parliament to have their beards shaven, and their noses less hooked. I was put into an unco carfuffle one morning, in turning the lorner o' a lonely street, when I came bump against one of those hook-nosed Hebrews, with black beard, and bushy eyebrows, sufficient to frighten ony man out o' his propriety. A.S we hear much about bringing in the Jews, I hope this will be borne in mind among other items, before they are allowed to settle fairly down in tho length and breadth o' the land. a washing dat — whilk ended in ravelling the hosier's HESP. I WENT one day to tho Royal Exchange, and there I saw people o' a' nations and tongues, on the face o' the whole earth. What noise, and what confusion ! Indeed, had I not known better, I might have taken it for granted, that they were about to lay the foundation-stone of a new Towor of Babel. I there foregathered with my old friend the Hosier, who told mo he was going next day to the Tower, at twelve o'clock, to see the lions washed, as at that hour they were re- gularly brought out for the purpose. I agreed to join him. The next day, soon after eleven o'clock, we marched off to the great Tower of London. When we arrived at the gate, we inquired at a sodger when tho lions would be brought out to be washed ? he desired us to ask at the next sentrv to him ; we did so, and he sent us to a third ; till at last we saw all the rascals laughing at us. I then began to jalouse that some wag had been rowing the Hosier's tail, by sending him on a thieveless errand, and forthwith made up to an old grey-headed man, and spcirt at himanent the lions, who 426 LAIRD OF LOGAN. soon lei the cat out o' the pock. Howsomever, as we were in the Tower any way, we made up our minds to see all that was to be seen ; and as my friend in the woollen trade had improved mightily in his English since he landed, I allowed him to be the chief speaker. Accordingly we got one of the beef-eaters to be our guide, and a braw buirdly beef- eating looking man he was, and seemed to regard us as though he felt baith honoured and happy in our company ; but I maun say, he was maist taen up wi' the hosier, whoso high English seemed to impress him with the belief, that it was nae common folk he had ado wi'. Indeed, my frien' had made such progress in getting quat o' his former way o' speaking, that he not only gave the English tongue a higher tone than the English themselves were able to do, but he had Englified the Scotch in such a way, that some- times I could neither make buff nor sty o' what he was say- ing, so I left him and the beef eater, to share the crack atween them ; and, my certie ! if our fat guide didna blaw in his lug about his fine style o' language, though I couldna help laughing in my sleeve, when he took him for a Dublin gentleman, then for an American, and last o' a', for a gen- tleman from Oxford or Cambridge I 'od ! thinks I, the Ho- sier's a clever chiel, and thae Cockneys are a set o' thick- headed gouks ; but this was ower fast o' me, for the beef- eater had mair smeddom about him, than he let on, and ken« mair about us than we had ony inkling o'; for on shaking hands wi' him at the Tower yett, he says to me, wi' a kind, iuld farrant-like smirk on his face, " Guid day wi' ye, and seestu, tak' care o' theesel' in this muckle wafftoun o' ours ; and I wish ye weel hame to the Causeyside again ;" and, turning to the Hosier, who was thrang pulling up his wliite neckcloth ower his chin, and looking wonnerfu' pre- jinck and smiling at the beef-eater's parting salute to me; but I true his triumph was a short ane, for the keeper o' tho lions laying his heavy fat hand on the hosier's shouther, ob- served, "liy-the-by, I forgot to .speir hoo's a' the folk about Kilmalcolm? I'se warrant they'll be a' hinging the Laird of logan. 427 /fither about the Cranachburn like a wheen wat peats." On hearing this, the Hosier opened a mouth at the beef-eater, as wide as one of his ain stockings ; and I trow he wasna lang in finding himsel' on the ither side o' the drawbrig. Seeing my fricn' was a wee dumfoundered, I stopped to thank the becf-eatcr wi' half-a-crown for his trouble, and said I would be glad to show him our Paisley lions, when he came to the Causeyside, although, like his own, it shouldna be washing-day wi' them when he came ; wi' that he gave a bit hamely laugh, and I did the same, and set out after my frien', but I found the poor Hosier unco doun in the mouth, and had very little to say for a guid while; at last, quo' he, in a sort o' dry way, " I'm certainly obliged to you for telling the man I come from Kilmalcolm." "Me tell him ! I didaa ken mysel" you came aff that airt ; you said you were from Edinburgh." " Some officious body must have told, else he would never have taken me for a Scotchman — but I'll take care after this who I go to see public places with." My corruption, as wee! it might, began to rise at the impudence and vanity of the body. "Mr. whi "'- do-they-ca'-ye?" says I, " if you've gotten a dirl ower the fingers frae the beef-cater, wyte yoursel' for't, but dinna wyte me." From which I inferred and drew my moral— " there are just three things he could hae tane you for, a Scotchman, a fule, or a bubbly-jock — that he took you for the first, is a higher compliment than either your conductor breeding deserves ; and as for knowing those you go to see public places with, you are quite right, and that your mind may be at rest on the present occasion, I may tell you, that you have had the company of a man who is neither ashamed of his country, nor has his country any reason to be asham- ed of him ; but if that's not the society you wish," said 1, wi' my brows maybe a thocht farther doun than I intended, " you'd better lose no time in fitting yoursel' wi' society more to your mind." He stood still for a moment, looking very snuffy-like; at last, says he, "Guid day to ye." "Guid day to yoursel', frien '," auo' I ; so ho took the one side o' 428 LAiaO OF LOGAN. the Minorles, aud I took the other, but from that day to this, I hare never seen my Kilmalcolm Englishman. As I daunert awa' into the city, wi' my hands ahint my back, I could not help making the reflection in my ain mind, that when a man tries to pass himself off for what he is not, he seldom in the end finds the exchange to his advantage ; for though the folks, for guid manners' sake, dinna tell him to his face that he's a fiile, they aro sure to think him ane. TVrO HALVES HAEK A WHOLE. The late Dr. Muir, surgeon in Paisley, in one of his visit- ing rounds, called upon a lady, well known for her parsi- mony. The lady, previous to the Doctor taking leave, pre- sented two very small glasses on a salver, each about one third filled with wine, saying, as she handed the salver to him, ' ' port or white, Doctor !" Upon which the Doctor, lifting one of the glasses, poured its contents into the otner, and drank the whole off, saying with great gravity, as he smacked his lips, and returned the empty glasses, " I generally take both 1" PAYMENT IN KIND. '* I SHALL endeavour to provoke Hawkie into retort," said a gentleman who was well known to this "fact-manufac- turer," to a friend, and passing the wit with head turned away to avoid recognition, remarked in a voice sufficiently audible, " He's a perfect blackguard and impostor, that Hawkie, he should be sent to Bridewell 1" " A hey, man !" retorted Hawkie, " you're the only neighbour-like person 1 hae seen the day." FACTS AND FICTION. Hawkie having been put on his guard as to some state- ments he was making, which ho did in a more hesitating manner than usual with this improvisor in facts, the person LAIRD OF LOfiAN. 429 to whom he was addressing himself, knew that the unities of persons, places, and circumstances could not have happened, and therefore challenged the truth of the statement, men- tioning, moreover, that the orator hesitated too much for the relation to be true. " Oh, man," said the latter, " is that a' ye ken ? — if it had been lees, I would hae been at nae loss." HIGHLAND BANISHMENT. Daniel Sinclair was afish-curer in Oban; and to this branch of honest industry Daniel added another of more questionable character — illicit distillation. Daniel had long been suspected, but had always contrived to elude the ut- most vigilance of the excise. He was, however, despite of all his precautions, caught at last, and a great quantity of aqua put under the ban of the broad arrow. Daniel, though much chagrined at the loss of his whisky, put up with it as quietly as possible, never dreaming of ulterior measures. The seizure was, however, immediately followed up by an E.\chequer summons, claiming a smart penalty for the of- fence. The summons was served on Sinclair, by Feedle M'Dhu, a little pompous, oflScious, red-haired Celt, accom» panied by two "persons," as witnesses "to prove," a» Feedle said, " personal citation." Daniel was engaged in shovelling some salt that he had just laid in, into a heap at the end of his barn, and did not observe the entrance of M'Dhu, until he was tapped on the shoulder by a baton, and asked by M'Dhu " If his name was Daniel Sinclair, fish-curer in this place?" " Yes it is," said Daniel, putting his right foot on the rest of his spade^ leaning with his arm on the handle. " Well, I serve upon you the summons, in the presence of these two gentlemen." " Well, what's for all this ? You'll knew my name very well before, Feedle ; and I don't want to be made acquain- tance with all the people you'll procht here — shust go away home, and teuk your certificates of character with you, I don't want your paper." " But this," replied the server of 430 LATRD OF LOGAN. summonses, " is no certificate of chai'acter; but a summons for a breach of the Excise-laws, and which must be deliv- ered to you in the presence of witnesses." " And did I'll not lost all my whisky already for that ? and what more would you have?" " It is all stated in the summons, which you i;an read at you; Jeisure." "Is your paper printed in the language of your red- coat English?" "It is in good En- glish, very easy to be understood," and he made as if to go away. Daniel peremptorily ordered Feedle to stop, and to read his paper himself, for he did not knew a word of his English. " And maybe," said he, " you would say, M'Dhu, some other day, my lad, that there was more in the paper than what you gied to me." The messenger read the preamble, Whereas, kc, George Fourth, greeting, &c., Daniel Sinclair has been detected, &c., and incurred penalty forty pounds, &c. Daniel drew along breath, and spoke in a tone of utter astonishment — ' Tak' all my whisky, and greet at me for forty pounds, more- over 1 what an impudence ! I'll thocht that I should greet at him! — there's the forty pounds, and don't trouble me no more." The Exciseman, of course, refused the proffered amount of libelled damages, and told Daniel that he must appear be- forethe court, as summons ordered. Daniel appeared before the justices, who inflicted a heavy fine for the offence. " Well," said Daniel to himself, " I'll did it yet— yes, ind more;" — and he was as good as his word, for he engaged more extensively than ever in illicit traffic. " Yes," his own authority, " I'll did more smuggle in one week, than I'll did in a month before he'll greeted at mel" A second seizure took place, and a second Exchequer summons was served on him by the same messenger. "Well, Feedle, are you here again with your papers, and your Greeting Sheorge the Fourths, and all that? yov smukit ganger's coUoy that you arc." " It's only eighty pounds this time, Daniel ; and for the next breach of our good law, you'll be panish bnyont all the sea for your life, or for fourteen year of kalondar months." lAIRO OF I.OG.VN 4'i\ " I hao eighty pounds yet for all your poaking — you hun- gry leeches, that you are. There is your money to you again, and not plague me with your Shustices — what's use when I'll paid all you'll socht, eh ! and stood where you are in a moment, or I'll knock your head through your shouthcr before you'll thocht where you was. Now, M'Dhu, heard what I'll say ? Will you told the king, Sheordy Fourths ? (I wonder there ever was a Sheordy First !) from me ?" " Yes," said Feedle, " I'll told him all ;" for he feared Daniel would inflict what ho threatened. " Well, told him from me, that Daniel Sinclair, fish-cure in Oban, says that he's a poor yowling singit bubbly whalp — greeting at me for money this twa year ; an' if it had been our own Sharlie, he would be hack by the elbow and knee first 1" " No more will I yet pe giving over my smuggle ! " said Daniel, " no, but shust maybe look better before and behint me!" The fish-curer could not cure himself of the irresistible propensity to take liberties with the excise laws ; got deep- ly engaged a third time in contraband traffic, and for all his cunning, the lynx-eyed governors of spiggots, detected him, and served for a third time, the hateful exchequer document. The senior presiding Justice in the court to which Sin- clair was cited to appear, happened to be Daniel's own landlord, who knew that the habit and repute smuggler had a large family to provide for, and that if a third conviction followed, a serious punishment would be awarded to him, .which would necessarily deprive his family of his services. The moment Daniel was brought to the bar, his Laird got into a most tremendous passion, and burst out in a per- fect hurricane of abuse, ordering him out of court in a moment. Daniel, perfectly unprepared for such a reception from " his good Laird," begged to be heard '"My Lord Shudge, you'll knew me, and I'll spoke." " Away, sir, away, sir, or I'll hang you up where you are!" The other junior justices, perfectly panic-struck at the violent, and, as they thought, too severe manner in which he had treat- 432 LAIRD OF LOGAN. ed the culprit, offered no remarks, but allowed the pri- soner to go away. Some time afterwards, Sinclair met his landlord, and expressed himself, *' How, or what's for his Honor made an abuse of him in the court, and I always pay him his rent, and never did him no harm?" " Go home, sir, go home, better banish the court nor the country, you fool " A SCOTCH NICKNAME. In the Justice of Peace Court, Paisley, Davie Drawloom, an honest weaver, was summoned to appear, to answer for a debt which he was sure had been paid, but for which he had omitted to take a receipt. The pursuer was well known in the neighbourhood to be a " loopy customer," and he used so many specious arguments against poor Davie, before "their honours," that Davie lost all patience, and cried out, in the bitterness of his wrath, " Haud thy tongue, noo. Tarn, hand thy tongue, else I'll gi'e thee a name that nae ither body in Paisley will gi'e thee, seestu." " What dare you call me, you worthless creature ; I defy you to call me any thing that's bad." " Haud thy tongue, noo, or I'se let it out. I'll gie thee a name that nae ither that kens thee will gi'e thee." "What name dare you give me, sir?" "Honest man — but I'm no obleeg'd to gar the folk believe it." BETTER TO HAUD THAN TO DRAW. The late Jamie Fleming, the laird of Udiiy's fool, was« one day applied to by a company of gangrel bodies to help them to a uiL,fht's quarters, when he was at Slains Castle. Jamie, who was always ready to help a friend in need, went to the barn, and was carrying a great quantity of straw to make the beggars warm, when he met tho Earl of Errol, who asked him thus — " Well, James, what are you going to do with all tho straw?" " To dight my sheen, my lord." " But you will not require all that." " Better leave than want, my lord," was his reply, and he walked on. LAniD OF LOUAN. 433 A nifiHLANT) CAUTION. DuGALD M'Tavisii, wlio brings cattle from the north to the Edinburgh market, was crossing by steam at the Burnt- island ferry, and being a very " gueed scholar," was spell- ing away at the board, " whilk, like the auKl stave in the song of Peter M'Graw, tells a' wha read it," that "Any person going abaft tliis will be charged cabin fare."— In tiic course of the passage a gentleman, from the cabin-end, was walking forward to view the machinery, and just when crossing, where Dugald was standing beside the board, found himself suddenly seized by the coat-tail, and looking round, Dugald exclaimed, with a countenance expressing great consternation, " Noo, my goot lat, teuk care where you'll go, or you'll be brought in for the steerage fare." 2 F 434 LAIRD OF LOGAN, TH08E WHO FIND KEETP. This appropriation clause of the schoolboy, was pled by Rab Hamilton, when a gentleman, by mistake, had given him a shilling instead of a halfpenny. On discovering his mistake, he asked restoration in the ordinary way, when such mistakes are committed. " Hech, man, Rab, but I ha'e gi'en you a bad shilling ; just return it to me, and I'll give you another." " Ou no," replied the wise Rab, " I'll try to get it awa' mysel' ; it wouldna suit you to be putting awa ill siller." POPPING THE QDE.STION. " I'm gaun to be married, Peggy," said a bashful youth to a lady with whom he had taken long walks " for a tow. mond guid," but a faultcr at the fountain-head of feeling always stopped him short when the important question should have been put. — " I am gaun to be married, Peggy," said he a second time. " Ay, are you, and to whom, if I may dare to ask ?" — " To yoursel', and nae ither." " Are you ? I wish I had kenn'd sooner I" A GRAVE CONCERN. Parties doing business as silk mercers in the capital some time ago, in the locality of St. Paul's churchyard, took to themselves the gloomy firm of Mains's Greengrave Churchyard, Coffin, and Ghost. sin WALTER SCOTT AND TIIK KING OF 8AXON1 When tlie present Sir Walter Scott was abroad, he was introduced to the King of Saxony, who, after silently gazing on the major, who is very tall, broke silence thus — " Well, Major Scott, of all your father's works which I have seen, you are the largest — quite a folio." LAIRD or LOGAN. 435 BEASTS OF BCRDEN. The late Mr. Bell, minister of one of the dissenting churches in Glasgow, was a man of vigorous intellect, very peculiar in the style of his expressions, and fearless in his exposures of vice, or the semblance of sanctity ; nor could any excel him in taking the wind out of the sails of clerical foplings. Instead of eulogising indiscriminately the ser- mons of those who might occasionally occupy his pulpit, he would mount the rostrum after the service was concluded, and point out what he considered defects, expose errors, and give additional emphasis to passages that met with his approbation. Mr. Bell was one day lecturing bis audience on improper indulgences in their social entertainments. He remarked, " Nay, my friends, to such a height has it become in our time, indulgence in inebriating liquors, that it is a common boast with many, how much liquor they can carry without affecting their reason ; this is a boast, my friends, that might come well from the mouth of a brewer's horse." A PASSING REMARK. Mr. Bell took for lecture one forenoon, a passage from one of the evangeli.sts, on the birth of our Saviour. Quoting, with emphasis the words, " Because there was no room in the inn, " he said, " My brethren, I maybe allowed to remark in passing, that there is in the inns as little room for Him yet, as there was then." A physician's apology. A MEDICAL practitioner, not quite so celebrated as Galen, undertook to cure a person of deafness, with which be was sadly afficted. One lotion after another had been prescribed, but still the patient was shut out from hearing from his fellow-man. " I've just come ance mair to ye, doctor," 4.S6 LAIRD or LOOAVr. said his wife, " to see if ye can gi'e John something better, for the last bottle ye gave him, did him nae gude ava." •' Dear me," said the doctor, " did it no ? I'm surprised at that ; but it matters little, for there's naething gaun worth the hearing, just now." KO RETURNS. Will Speir, famous in this and other yeritable histories, called at a farmer's house one morning, and found the fa- mily just finishing breakfast. A goodly basin of porridge, however, was still in reserve, and of size enough to satisfy Will's appetite, and that of any other of equal calibre. It was accordingly set before him ; but, like other good Chris- tians, he would not partake of it without saying grace, in the midst of which the servant-maid approached, and was in the act of pouring milk upon the porridge, which Will eyed through his fingers, which were held before his eyes in a very devotional manner — till, thinking she had given him enough, she was sbout to withdraw her hand, when Will suspended his devotions and whispered, " Just pour't a' on, your wa's 1 " GBEAD AND CHEESE. Some years ago, when the Board of Customs held its sittings in Edinburgh, one of the landing waiters at Leith, a Mr. Andrew M'Kerrell, an eccentric man, and a bit of a humourist, was dismissed the service by the Board, for some neglect or error in duty. Andrew, finding all chance sf being restored hopeless, set about devising in what other way he could make iho " pot boil." At last he fixed on com- mencing commission agent, or foreign broker, and among the first of his adventures imported a parcel of Dutch cheese; but having committed some blunder or informality in the entry, the whole was seized and lodged in the King's ware- house. The usual way, in such circumstances, was to LAIUD OF Lor.AN. 437 memorialize the Board, craving' redress ; but Antirow, for- getting all sense of decorum, hurried up to Edinburgh, and knowing the hour when the Board would be assembled, rushed iu in a state of high excitement, and exclaimed in the midst of them, " Gentlemen, you first took my bread from me, and now ye have taken my cheese 1 " — The ludi- crousness of the scene, and quaintness of the remark, destroyed, for a moment, the gravity of the Court, who, after requesting Andrew to withdraw, and indulging in another fit of laughter, ordered his cheese to be restored to him without exacting the penalties incurred. HIGHLAND NEGATIVES. Two Highland skippers meeting on the quay of Leith, the one hailed the other with — " "NVeel Donald, are you going for to sail to night?" — Donald immetliatoly answered with regular norlan' birr, " Perhaps no, and perhaps not !" A HIGHLAND CHARGE. A FRUITFUL source of annoyance to all Frenchmen up to this day is, when it is asserted that the English array, and not theirs, were the victors at Waterloo. That the glory of the day belonged to the triumphant arms of Wellington, they will not allow, and are thrown into violent rage when such is declared. A French gentleman, residing not many leagues from the western metropolis of Scotland, bore arms in his country's cause on that eventful day, fought manfully for her, and carries on his body the marks that it was no bloodless fight to him. High minded and generous, he nevertheless partakes of the universal mistake of his coun- trymen, and lays claim to the palm of victory. One day, conversing "vith some gentlemen about travelling in the riighlands, and the heavy charges which the sons of the mist lay upon their neighbours of the low country, when they get them in their power- he said, " Voll, geutlemens, you 438 LAIRD OF LOGAN. I may all &ay so, but ven I vas in de Highlands, they did not scharge me mutch ; var leetel, indeed." " I can well suppose that," said a well known wit, " for, having made such a heavy charge on you at Waterloo, they now, if you do not again run from them, let you off Scot-froe " READY, AYE READY, Neil Gow, the famed composer and performer on the violin, possessed a great share of mother wit and readiness of retort, and was never the least put about in any company. Neil having borrowed some money from Mr. Murray of Abercairney, Mr M. took a bet that he would for once put Neil to the blush, and just when a large party had assem- bled, and Neil had been placed at the head of his orchestra, Mr M. addressed the leader, " I say, Neil, are you not go- ing to pay me that five pounds you owe me ?" Neil very calmly exclaimed, " Eh 1 eh 1 eh I if ye had held your tongue I would ha'e been the last to speak o't." THE GRAY MARE THE BETTER HORSE. Neil leading his band at a musical party at Sir A. Muir M'Kenzie's of Delvine, in the course of the following day, wished Sir A. to give him some conveyance home, which he promised to do, and accordingly ordered out his own riding mare, a beautiful spirited dapple grey. When Neil saw the animal, he shrugged up his shoulders, and said, " Na I na 1 Sir Alexander, I doubt the grey marc would foal the fiddler." MACADAM AND GENERAL WADE OUTDONE. The celebrated Sheridan, when on a visit to Blair Athole Castle, set out one morning, mounted on a Highland pony, along the banks of the Tilt, the road winding through the stcpp rugged cliffs, and often on the verge of a dreadful precipice, the roaring torrent fretting against its base. So LAIUD OF LOGAN 439 narrow was the roadway that only two could ride abrea>t. Sheridan, in the utmost horror lest the animal should swerve and plunge him into the yawning gulf below, kept away from the bank, and rode cautiously up the glen. On his arrival at Tilt Lodge, he expressed his wonder to the Duke of Athole, that any person would risk his life on horse- back on such a dangerous road. The Duke only smiled at nis timidity. On returning from the deer forest in the evening, where they had been enjoying themselves all day, his Grace ordered some Athole brose, which the dramatist relishing, partook of rather freely. The effects of such po- tent beverage * soon told upon the uninitiated Sheridan, who mounted his pony, dashed down the declivity at a fearless gallop, as if he had been traversing the bowling-green roadways of the south, saw not one of the dangerous turns of the road or precipice, and arrived in safety at the Castle, the first of the party. After dinner, his Grace asked him for a toast, when he gave, " Athole brose, the best road-maker in Scotland." BOUND OR FREE. Some of the civic dignitaries in the suliurban districts of Glasgow, are given to display of official trapping, as if there were no place of safety to deposit the golden neck trinket, but wear it abroad as well as at home. Even as far as Dum- fries, not officially, but on Sabbath in the church, did one of these functionaries exhibit the ensign of office. " Ye dinna put on chains on ony occasion?" said one of these to another who ruled in an adjoining burgh. " Oh 1 no," replied the brother bailie, " we a' gang loose." A HIGHLAND APOLOCY. " Bettt," said the mistress of a Highland domestic who * AUtole brose, • compound of Iligbland whUky and honey. 440 LAIED OF LOGAN. was most attentive to the duties of her situation, with but two Scotch exceptions, ' working and running errands' " I am go- ing to visit a distant friend, and cannot return before Thurs- day, so you will take care that nothing goes wrong, and that your master is attended to just as when I am present.'' " Oh ! yes, mem ; surely, all that, and yes, too, as I'll did when my mistress was said to mo." Out of sight out of mind, as usual, Betty kept herself at ease, and thought it was time enough to prepare the household for her mistress's reception on the morning of her promised return The mistress, however, finding the friend absent, returned much sooner than was expected, and gave the single tap at the knocker, but no answer; the double raprap-tap-tap, but Betty's answer was only,—" Shnst shap awa'— always bother wi" beggars, shust a' tither doors!" The third rap-rap-rap, tap tap-tap, however, which indicated author- ity, followed in almost breathless succession, when Betty was overheard trotting down stairs in double quick time, and on opening the door, panic-struck at the sight of hor mistress, she exclaimed, " Oh I mem, is it you? I didna hear the twa first shaps till the noo 1" ACCORDING TO RULE. The late Rev. Dr. M., of the parish of West Calder, had a great fund of sarcastic humour. His man servant, who happened to have but a short memory, was accus. tomed, when he had two messages to carry, or two pieces of business to manage for his master, to forget the first, whilst the last was generally executed with precision. One day he was sent a distance of five miles with a couple of despatches, about wiiich he was enjoined to bo particu- Varly accurate. On his return, however, it was found, as usual, that the second transaction was correctly managed, but when the Doctor inquired if he had attended to the first, "O!" said he, "I quite forgot that." On this Dr. M. turned to a student who was in the room, and repealed LAIRD OF LOOAN. 1 1 1 the rule of Latiu syntax, "The passives of such ac- tive verbs as govern two cases, do still retain the last of them." A PAISLEY TOAST. Peace and Plenty, and nae killing-, Beef at a groat, and meal at a shilling THE HARD BARGAIN. Of ail the sons of canny Scotland, the canniest and must cautious are the inhabitants of Aberdeen. Scotchmen, in general, when they ■wish to purchase anything, content themselves with offering the half of what is asked, but a real Aberdonian seldom offers above a fourth, and never in any case more than a tiiird. An Aberdonian, who had been to the " sooth kintra" with some cattle, had got as far as Perth on bis way home. In passing tlirough that city, his attention was attracted by some walking-sticks wiiicli he saw at a shop door. He went up and examined the whole parcel with great care. At last, finding one to his mind, he drew itout, and presenting itto the shopman, asked " Weel, frien', fat 'ill ye be seeking for that bit thing, neh?" " Sixpence," was the reply. " Hoot, aAva', man, ye're sheerly jokan ; sixpence for a bit thing like that ! its jeist an auld reet, I'll gi'e ye twopence for't." At this point in the bar- gain, an Englishman entered, drew out a stick from the very same parcel, asked the price and paid it, and turned away. " You see now," said the shopman, '• that sixpence is the real price of it, and that I was not overcharging you !" " I see nae sic thing : I only see that a feel an' his money's soon parted, a thing I kent weel eneuch uforc ; but that's no to say that I'm gaun to part wi' mine the same way. I'll jeist gi'e ye twopence for 't,an'gienit wur formyscll, I wadna gi'e abun a bawbee, for I cud get as gweed a yane ony day out'n a hedge at the road-side ; bit ye see I was wauteu to 442 LAIBD OF LOGAN. mak a bit present to my maestcr, an' 1 thocht he wad think mair o't if I tell't him I had gotten it oat'n a shop." " Well," said the merchant, " as you're going to make a pre- sent of it, I'll let you have it at prime cost, that's four- pence." " Na, na, naen o* yere prime costs for me, am our auld for that, I ken brawly that prime cost's just ony thing ye like to caw't, I wunna gi'e a bawbee mere nor the two- pence." The merchant then told him, that if that was the case, he was afraid they would not agree about it. " Four- pence 1 it's out'n abounds! it's just an auld reet, no worth a bawbee." At last, in order to get rid of him, the shopkeeper offered to divide the difference, and to let him have it for threepence. Our generous Aberdonian then drew out a long greasy leather purse, and extracted with considerable difi&. culty the sum of twopence halfpenny, and laying it down on the counter, continued to cheapen. " He sheerly wadna cast out wi' him about a bawbee." Seeing, however, that the merchant was beginning to get thoroughly wearied, he at last laid down the halfpenny, and then putting on one of his most winning looks, he said, " Weel, noo that we've got awthing settled, ye'll sheerly come an' gie's a share o' a bottle o' yill." The shopkeeper excused himself, as he had none to leave behind him in the shop. The Aberdonian of- fered, if he nould give him the " bawbees," to go and bring a bottle to the shop. This social proposal was, however, positively refused, and, seeing he could make no more of tha shopkeeper, he threw his plaid over his shoulder, and, with th» purchased cudgel in his fist, took leave, observing, " Aweel, frien', guid day to ye, but gin I had kent that ye wadna ha'e gi'en me a share o' the bit bottle o' yill, ye shudna ha'o got- ten a bawbee mair nor the twopence." SENT HOME. An ingenious defence of her country was lately made bj a young Scotch lady, when it was vilified by an English gentleman, for some delinquency committed by a Scotchman. LAntD OF LOGAN. 443 The gentleman, instead of confining his vengeful oLserva. tions to the individual who had wronged hira, thought fit to indulge in bitter invective against Scotchmon generally, in terms not quite fitted for ears polite, and sufficient to rouse the most dormant feelings of the love of country. " We are here in England infested with them, " concluded he ; " our land is overrun with them, as Egypt was with the plague of unclean animals, madam." " We know," observed the lady, calmly, " that Satan himself came from heaven, and was sent for his crimes to a place better fitted for him ; why may not this person also have been sent from his coun- try, being unworthy of it, to fitter associates in this ?" TO A JOLLY BACHELOR, ON HIS BEING PRESENTED BY A FEW FRIENDS WITH AN ELEGANT TEA KETTLE. Dear Sir, — as you're a man of mettle, And generous with your tea and toddy, Your friends present you with this kettle, To keep in sap your single body. But as 'tis time you now should settle. And lead a doubly sober life ; Get one appendage to your kettle — That useful ornament — a wife. And would you live in harmony ? — Then, teach her this important matter — To use this gift just twice a-day. Nor keep you ever in — hot water. A. Rodger. ADULT BAPTISM. " Mem," said a servant, dressing up the fire-place on a Sunday afternoon, " we had a young man, eighteen years of 444 LAIRD OF LOGAN. age, baptised in our church this afternoon." "• Ay, had you, Jenny ? that would be a very interesting sight to you ; we had a young girl, fifteen years of age, lately in our church also; but these might be very worthy persons, Jenny, al- though they had not been baptised when young — possibly their parents were Baptists, or they themselves may have doubted the propriety of infant baptism." " Ah, na, mem," replied Jenny, '-the young man couldna be that, for ou minister said he was an adult." A DETERMINED DEBATER. AIr Robertson of Kilmarnock, of whom we have related a few anecdotes, was a party in a case appealed to the Synod of his church for judgment. His opponent was in great heat, and made up by noise and action what was lacking in argument. Mr. R. more than once burst into a loud laugh during his opponent's defence, and though this breach of decorum was passed over once or twice, he was at last called to order, and a reprimand given by the Moderator. " I will not be restrained. Sir," replied Mr. R. ; " I shall laugh at nonsense wherever I hear it, for avermore and amen." A HIGHLAND HUSBAND. Donald Macalpine rose from the ranks to be a sergeant in the Paisley Town Guard ; and no epauletted official in his Majesty's service strutted the pavement with more consequence, than did Donald in his blue coat with crimson collar. He was a very careful person, and contrived, one way or other, to become possessed of a tolerably well furnished house, and a cow, the crowning point of his ambition ; for Donald could never stomach the blue water- milk supplied from the dairies. Mrs. .Macalpine was a very infirm [lorsonage, and had, for many years preceding her decease, been contiued to bed LAIBD UP LOOAR. 445 None of tlu' family survived her. This event wai tiie be- ginning of a climax of misfortanes to tho poor sergeant. His house was soon after burned to the ground ; and scarce- ly had his spirits mastered this calamity, when, what he set his heart most on, his poor cow, fell a victim to inflamma- tion. The latter event nearly paralysed the conservator of the peace. A friend called on Donald to sympathise with him in his bereavement and losses, but Donald refused to be comforted. " Ou yes," replied he, to the various arguments employed by his friend to induce submission to what had been allotted him, " I'll got plenty o' house to stay in, and plenty o' wife too, if I'll socht her; — that's all very well, — but wha will gi'e me eiglit pounds to buy another cow ? " GOING AND COMING. Archie Campbell, a well known city officer in Auld Reekie, was celebrated for his cunning and wit. His mother having died in Edinburgh, Archie hired a hearse.and car- ried her to the family burial-place in the Highlands. He returned, it is said, with the hearse full of smuggled whisky, and being teazed about it by a friend, he said, " Wow, man, there's nae harm done ; I only took awa' the body and brought back the speerit." taking the churcec in turn. A GENTLEMAN in the neighbourhood of Glasgow, having Rt a great expense erected a silk factory, and attached to it a large school-room, for the benefit of the young people connected with the works, considered that tho whole matter was not complete, without accommodation for them and their parents in the church. He therefore rented a number of pews, and going to each man individually, informed him of what he had done. By some, much thankfulness was expressed: while others, by the great indifference exhibited, 446 LAIRD OF LOGAN. were something similar to the men, who, upon their master promising them, that they would be paid their wages, the same as on another day, if they attended church on a fast- day, would not consent, unless they were paid for it as over- hours ; or the valet who hoped, if he attended prayers, his master would consider it in his wages. Addressing one of them, he said, " John, I have taken seats in the church here for myself, and the people attending the factory ; and I shall be glad to see you there as often as possible." " Oh yes, sir," said John, " I'll tak my turn o't, wi' the rest o' the men." ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN AND HORSES. " IMrs. R , a single widow lady in the village of M h — , has a parlour and bed-room to let three miles from Glasgow, Bull-land, second flat, fronting the canal basin, all oil-painted in the neatest manner ; and a two-horse stable is just at hand." BEGINNING IN TIME. A YOUNG lady on the eve of her marriage, and the verj reverse of what the following anecdote would lead to be sup< posed, was told by her brother that he had just been to be- speak a carriage and pair for her use during the matrimo- nial jaunt ; " and," continued he, " I have the choice of a pair of beautiful bay horses, or a pair of greys ; which of them would you prefer?" " As it is best to begin," said she, " as we intend to end, I shall have the greys ; for I am re- solved the grey mare shall continue the better horse." A DISCRIMrNATINC. EATKR. A iiEKD boy belonging to the village of Torrance, as he sat eating his pottage on the green sward, was accosted by the raiftister of the neighbouring parish, who, among other LAIRD OF LOGAN. 447 qaestions, asked him, " Woll, my good fellow, do you crave blessing before you take breakfast ?" " Yes, sir," said the boy, *itb the utmost simplicity, " when it's tea." «SOP ILLUSTRATED. " I HAVE come to ask of you a favour,' said aa old friend one day to the cautious Mr ; " I am a little put about for money just now, and I would take it kind if you will let me have your bill for a hundred pounds, for a short time." " I have no doubt of your taking it kind," returned the cool sarcastic man of business, " but I have made up my mind never to give my bill except for value received." " Indeed !" said the indignant applicant, "you seem to have forgot, sir, that when you were in distress, I gave you my bill for a si- milar sura, and though yoa have now got rich, you should not forget old friends." " I remember the circumstance you allude to, but really, my dear sir, if you thought me in dis- tress, your doing the needful was no great proof of youl wisdom ; however, as I paid the bill, you had reason tu be thankful that you were no sufferer, by doing what you nort wish me to consider an obligation. In the mean time, in re- turn for your favour," continued the good man, " I will giva you a word of advice : — read the fable of the Fo.x and the Crane ; be thankful for your escape, and never again attempt to relieve a friend in distress with your bill." A CRITICAL ELDER. An uninitiated elder was deputed from Strathavcn session, to attend with the minister a meeting of the Hamilton Presbytery. A young man came before them, and delivered a trial discourse on a subject that had been prescribed to him, and the reverend incumbent from Strat haven was the first to offer remarks upon it. " The discourse that wo have just heard," said he, addressing the Moderator, " does credit to our young friend for his proficiency in the English 448 LAIRD OF LOGAH. language, bat it occurs to me, that he has, in his illustra- tions, entirely missed the scope of the Apostle's meaning." The elder thought it not only his incumbent duty to give his opinion, but also to coincide with his minister, and according- ly followed immediately, lest he should forget exactly what his minister had said : " I perfectly agree wi' my ministar in what he has said anent the young man's discourse, that It had been weel aneuch putten thegither, but that he has missed the scope of the Apostle." Some of his n^ghbours, who knew that John was ready on the slightest occasion to " throw bye his beuk and speak about beasts," questioned him about his opinion, after the meeting had been dis- solved. " We're glad to see you sae learned amang the ministers ; but how did you ken that the lad had missed the scope o' his text ? " " Was I no richt to side wi' my minister ? he couldna be wra-iji — I aye gang alang wi' him, and I ne'er found mysel' wrang yet." " But suppose the Moderator had asked ye what ye understood by the scope o' the Apostle ? " '• Ay, but ho didna do't, and gin he had, I wad soon hae scop'it mysel' out at the door." MEAT AND DRINK. The late Mr. Henderson, compiler of the volume of Scot- tish Proverbs, had a peculiar knack of giving a humorous turn to every thing he said or did. In the ceremony of introducing his friends to new acquaintances, usually so stiff and formal, Mr. H., by his off-hand way, made the parties on as easy terms in three minutes, as if they had been acquainted for as many months. The Proverbialist introduced our Publisher at Mrs. S.'s , North Woodside, " My frien' Mr. R." *' I ara glad at all times to see any friend of yours," replied Mrs. S. " Weel, my lady," continued ho, "just see, when you're on your feet, gin thcre'j ony thing in the bottle ; the day's gey and warm." " It's at your service ; but whether will you have whi.sky, ruin, or brandy ?" inquired Mrs. S. with characteristic frank- LAIRD OF LOGAN. 449 ness. " Just bring the first that comes to your hand, ony thing out'n a, bottle grees wi' mo ; and when you're at the press at ony rate bring the bread and cheese ir your ither han', as my frien' Daavit here is a wee like the Kilbarchan calves, wha aye like to drink wi' a rip in their mouth." THE RIVAL CLUBS. In the little town of Maybole there are no less than two clubs, instituted in honour of John Knox, and as both have a dinner on the anniversary of the Reformer's birth- day, the innkeepers are sometimes at a loss to procure the necessary supply of vivers. On one occasion, the whole stock of fish belonging to Janet M'Cringlo, an old woman who generally supplied the inns with that delicacy, was bought up by the caterer for one of the dinners. The bargain was no sooner struck, than the landlord of the rival house made hia appearance for a supply of the same article. Janet declared she was sold out. " Sold out or not I" cried Boniface, " I must have fish, Janet ; I have Knox's dinner to provide for, and I canna do without it." " Dear me 1" cried Janet, " a' my fish thegithor was bought for Knox's dinner ; wha's this Knox that needs sae monie grand dinners ?" " It was him that took the roof aff Crossraguel Abbev." " Crossra^fuel Abbey I" exclaimed the poor woman in astonishment; " there has na been a roof on Crossraguel since I ha'e mind. Ha maun surely be an unca auld man; — but auld or no," quoth Janet, reverting to business, " he maun be an awfu' bodie for fish !" ▲ drunkard's APOLOOr. "William Litt lived " near or about," as Paisley folks say, *' the Dyster's Dipping," and followed the profession from which the locality takes its name. Willie, when he went to church, sat ander the late Dr. Boog, but was absent So 4.50 LAIRD OF LOGAN. every alternate Sabbath, as regularly as the fortnightly pay came round. His mother was distressed at the inebriety of her son, and gave him many a sad lecture, but without effect. Said Willie, " Mither, ye may just gie't ower now, for I canna dispense wi' the drap." Dr. Boog met him one Sunday morning reeling home in a state of intoxication. The Doctor took the opportunity of giving him a serious lecture on the shameful exhibition he was making of him- self. " Dear me, William, is it possible that I see you — you, brought up by sober and respectable parents, intoxi- cated on the Sabbath morning?" " 'Deed ay, seestu, Doc- tor, it's true ye see me on the Sabbath morning ; but ye needna mak the thing waur than it is — I ken my way hame ; and naebody that's intoxicate, as ye ca't, can ken that." " Ah, William," said the Doctor, " how degrading is it to see a rational being in the condition in which you now are. Did you ever see the brute beast drink more than was sufficient to satisfy the cravings of nature?" " Ah ha, but, Doctor, do ye think that if the beast ye speak o' had a comrade on the ither side o' the dam, to say ' Here's to ye,' he wadna tak anither waugbt ?" SKIN AND BONE. At the time Andrew M'Farlane lived and drove the shut- tle, hand-loom weaving was the most lucrative of the handi- crafts, the result of four days' labour sufficing to keep a family for a week, and \\'ith those who were provident, it left something over and above. Andrew was rather parti- cular in his living ; animal food was generally present on his table at dinner ; on Sabbath i« was never absent, and, if possible, of a superior quality. " I like," said Andrew, " to comfort myself and family on the day of rest, and to see the kail-pot prinkling on the head as gin lammer-beeda liad been sawn on't ; my stamack is aye mair thankfu' after i platefu' or twa o" them— no sae wi' your thin blue-ruiu- looking kail, that look just like m.ltit whunstane." Mrs LAIRD OP LOGAN. 4.')1 M'Farlane was not so particular ; she lookecl more to tlie sum total in the expenditure, and the saving that could be effected, than the quality of the butcher's wares. One day the thought struck her, and, like many a rib since the days of Eve, she broke out into an exclamation against Andrew, because, forsooth, ue had not thought of the thing that pre- viously had not occurred to herself. " Man, Andrew, I wonder at you — you an eident, carefu' man, that are aye sae particular about the meat that ye get, and disna think o' the price — gin it please ye, winna ye gang out to Ruglen and buy a mart, the verra brock o' the beast wad sair our family for a hail month?" " Wecl, gudewife, I'se tak your bidding for ancc, and see what gude comes o't." Some time after- wards, Andrew was passing his butcher's stall, and was hailed by the man of the cleaver, who naturally inquired what had become of his customer ? " It's nae fau't o' mine, I can assure ye. To tell you the truth, I was advised by a frien* to gang to Ruglen and buy a mart for my- sel' ; so I gaed out and coft a carcass wi' a hide on't ; nae doubt I got a living beast, but when my mart was hung up and hided, ye micht ha'e read Josephus through the ribs 1. A SLICE OF COLD TONQUG. An eccentric banker was eyeing with suspicious vision a bill presented to him for discount. " You need not fear," said the palpitating customer, " one of the parties keeps his carriage." " Ay," rejoined the banker, " I shall be glad if he keep his feet." THE BANKER AT A DISCOUNT. A BANKER in Glasgow, equally well known for his wealth and his miserly habits, was addicted to taking a dram of whisky in the morning, and another at mid day ; in Scotch phrase, his morning and meridian. His butsiacss 452 LAIRD OF LOOAN. bringing him at all times into contact with people of consi- deration, he felt that the practice, sure to be detected bj the flavour of his breath, might seriously injure his respect- ability. He, therefore, consulted with a kindred spirit, who pledged himself to discover some eflectual antidote to the spirituous aroma. Meeting the banker one morning, a few days afterwards, he accosted him, " I've found out at last a grand cure for the smell of whisky." " I'm glad to hear that," quoth the man of discount, " for the smell's unco strong upon me just now, and I'm on my way to the counting-house." " But will ye gi'e me a half-mutchkia o' good Jamaica rum if I tell you ?" After many demurrers and attempts to beat down his friend's demand to a gill, he consented to the proposal. Away then they went to the nearest tavern, and the half-mutchkin of rum was set on the table, when the possessor of the invaluable secret, after li- berally helping himself, poured out a glassful, saying, " Noo, tak' you that, and I'se warrant it will cure you o' a' smell o' whisky." THB BAR AND THE BBNCla. We have often heard the following sarcastic remark at- tributed to the late John Clerk ; we deem it but an act of justice to restore it to the original proprietor : — When Mr. Ferguson, afterwards Lord Pitfour, was Dean of the Faculty of Advocates, a young advocate, in pleading a cause for his client before the Inner House of the Court of Session, took occasion to inveigh with equal boldness and asperity against a regulation which their lordships had recently passed, as being an unconstitutional stretch of au- thority, and even went so far as to exclaim, " I am sur- prised that your lordships dared to pass such an act I" The court fired at this remark, aud proceeded to deliberate upon the propriety of committing the orator for contempt of court, when the Dean humanely interposed in his behalf. Ho ascribed his indiscretion to youth and inexperience, of LAIRD OF LOGAN. 453 wliich the surprise ho had expressed might well be consi- dered a proof; "for," added the Dean, "had he kenned your lordships as long as I have done, he could not be sur- prised at any thing your lordships would do." TUE WEARy PIECE O' TOW 1" In "the olilentime," before heritable jurisdictions in Scot- land were abolished, the town piper of Falkirk was sen- tenced to be hanged for horse-stealing. On the night before his execution, he obtained, as an indulgence, the company of some of his brother pipers ; and, as the liquor was abun- dant, and their instruments in tune, the noise and fun " grew fast and furious." The execution was to be at eight o'clock in the morning. The poor piper, in the midst of his re- velry, was recalled to a sense of his situation, by the morn- ing light dawning on the window. He suddenly silenced his pipe, and exclaimed, " O I but that wearyfu' hangin' rings in my lug like a new tune." SEE AND BELIEVE. Mr. Buist, the present minister of Tannadice, and father of the presbytery of Forfar, is well known for his vagaries in the pulpit. Speaking one Sunday of the desola- tion of Babylon, he pictured in the most gorgeous colours the greatness and glory of the mighty city. He said that, when in its zenith, it had Innumerable baths, fountains, splendid palaces, and the temple of Bel unequalled in the whole world. " The city," said Mr. B., " contained nearly five millions of inhabitants, and it was watered by the great Euphrates, one of the finest rivers in the world. Now," continued he, " instead of ball , fountains, palaces, and temples, it is a heap of ruins, and instead of millions of people, not a single soul inhabits them ; none remain there but the panther, and the tiger, and the jackal, and the ser- pent. 1 am perfectly well awaru, that some of you may 454 LAIRD OF LOOAH. dispute my word, but if you have any doubts on the sub- ject, you may go and see for yourselves." NORTHERN SHIBBOLETHS. The same reverend gentleman was lecturing his parish- ioners on their vulgarity, and their abominable manner of pronouncing words. " When I studied," said he, " at the university of St. Andrews, I made it a point to attend all the fairs and markets in the county of Fife, such as Cupar, Fruchie, Auchtermuchty, &c., and there I always found out the Forfar folk by their fats, and their fars, and their fans, (whats, wheres, whens.) HARD AROrrJENTS. The Reverend John Muir, of St. Vigeans, Forfarshire, took a prominent part in the deposition of one of his brethren, and, ou the oroduction of the libel, made the fol- lowing preamble to a lengthened speech : — " I do not speak well myself. Moderator ; my expressions are coarse and homely, and they come off round and rough as from the quarry, but I can only tell you, if you get on the side of the head with one of those rough-dressed quarry chaps, you will find them pretty ugly customers " PAHCHMESTS AND PLASTER. Every country village has its oracle ; and poor, indeed, must that place be wiiich has not a " wiseacre " of whom it can boast. It not imfrequently happens that wisdom in her gay and frolicsome humours, — if ever, indeed, that beatific mood of mind is found in her, — .selects as her representative the barber or tailor of the hamlot or parish, and through this avenue she imparts of her stores sufficient to regulate the lives and fortunes of all in that locality. When, let me isk, will a man give more undivided attention to scraps of LAIRD OF LOGAN. 455 morality and wisdom, than he will as the barber hoida him by the snout, and sports about his throat with his instru- ment ? A certain procurator fiscal, by way of investing his means in heritable property, bethought him of building a house. This gave occasion to much remark and satirical observation around the barber's ingle. " Ay, ay," said Strap, "there will be nae en' o' prosecutions afore the Justice Court till the Fiscal's house is biggit." CLERICAL CANDOUR. A LATE Episcopalian minister at Brechin, preached other sermons than his own when occasion required, and made no mystery of the affair. Giving out a text one sabbath, he said, '• My brethren, the sermon I am about to give is not my own ; but it is a better one than any I ever composed in my life," and delivered it accordingly. A HIGHLAND CHBONOMETEB. A LADY ordered her servant one morning to prepare eggs for her master's breakfast. Nelly. " How lang will she boil them ?" Lady " Three minutes." N " Ay, and who'll she ken about the miuutes?" L " You will see by the house clock." N. " Weel, noo, mem, that'll no do; did she'll not knew that oor knock's twenty miuutes afore the toon." TAKING FOR GRANTED. The late John Clerk, when at the bar, was waited on by one of the civic dignitaries of Hawick, to take advice about the rights of the burgh, which were attempted to bo infringed on by a selfish lord of the soil in the neighbour- hood. The magistrate, in explaining his case, stated it exactly as Daudie Dinmont did to Pleydell ; in other words. 456 LAIAD OF LOOAN. took the most favourable points, and in efiect just pled his own case, and tried the patience of the sarcastic Counsel by his prosy harangue. Mr. Clerk heard him to the end, with as much patience as he could command, and changed the subject by remarking, " You'll be grand breeders o' nowt about Hawick, nae doubt ?" A begoab's bmtbt. Hawkde's readiness of reply has already been exemplified by many instances. Calling at a shop, the proprietor, who was well acquainted with him through the medium of this publication, thus addressed him : — " I'm sorry, Hawkie, I cannot help you to-day, I have not a copper in the house." " Verra weel," said Hawkie, '* I suppose I maun just gi'e ye credit, though it's sair against my wilL" THREE BTRINQS TO THE BOW. A PARAGRAPH in an Edinburgh paper announced that Mr. Wilson, the celebrated vocalist, had met with a serious accident by the upsetting of his carriage. The same authority shortly after announced that he had so far recovered as to be able to appear before the public the following evening in three pieces. A 8COTCH ADVICE. A PARTY wishing the proclamation of banns made, as a preliminary to marriage, waited on the Session Clerk at Alloa, and inquiring " what he took for crying 't a' in ae day ?" was answered, " Thirty shillings." •• An' how muckle for twa ?" " A guinea." " Ay, verra weel ; and gin three days were ta'en ?" " Only seven shillings and si.xpence." " It ay grows less, I see ; my name is , just cry awa' till ye ha'e paid yoursel ;' " and loft the oflicial without giving any deposit, LAIRD OF LOGAN. 457 THE HIGHLAND FLING. To be the means of causing a Highlander to emigrate from one locality to another, by cither purchasing the pro- perty on which he resides, or obtaining a lease without his concurrence, is a sin scarcely to be forgiven. A Glasgow gentleman wished to feu the patch of ground on which the Bellman's boose stood ai Kilmun, with the stripe of garden attached to it, at which the Highland ire of the latter could scarcely be restrained. "Did you'll knew?" queried he at an acquaintance, " a fellow, gentleman he is not ; no, nor his mother before him — from your Glasgow, is going to put me away from my wee placie, where I was for all my days, an' they'll call her Macsmall, eh ?' " No," replied the Glasgowegian, " I don't." " I was thocht so, nor no decent man, weel may be ay and may be no, whether a stane will put up his house or put it down : I'll never did a mischief to no bodie, and I'll not put my hand to a murder noo, but you see there's mony friend in the glen, will tak' a friend's part — and they'll be taking walkg up the hill, an' there's mony a more big stane there nor a house itsel', and they'll just be in the way, so they will; a bit dunch wi' the fit will made them corns down without ony carts and wheels, they're heavy — very heavy, teet are they, and no easy to put a stop when rinnin' poor dumb creatures, and they canna help though they were taking the house o' this trouster mosach* wi' her. I wad just like, quietly be- tween oursels, to see his house, six weeks after it was biggit, and the sclates on't, ay would I." BELL TIIE CAT. " Yon are not more nor your clothes of a gentleman," retorted the old Bellman, above quoted, his Celtic wrath like to choke the expression, " nor your fathers, too, for all the * Dirty ticoundi'eL 458 LAIRD OF LOOAK. education you'll got: I'll spoke more grammar myself nor you both put in one, for all tbe fool you'll made of my language, Shames Mac Simpson, as tey'll call you, but it should have been Maclmpudence : I'll just told you iu twa half of a mo- aient, if you'll spoken one word more to made a sport of me, I'll knock you on the dyke amang Duncan Douglass's pota- toes, down on your head whar you'll stand." HIGHLAND DISTINCTIONS. " Have you had a goot sport to-day. Sir ?" said the Bell- man to a gentleman with whom he was acquainted, return- ing from lashing the stream, with £ha basket slung over back. " No, Archie, I can't say I have.' " Ay, I am vex for that ; but did you'll not catch nothing ?" " Only a few small pars, and a tolerably fine grilse." " A grulse, did you ? it's a ponny fish a grulse, teet is't ; would you let me see it, Sir ? I like to see a grulse always." " Most certainly — there it is." " It's a ponny fish, and, as I'll guess from my eye, six pounds weight, a little more maybe if you were putting it on a weight to try ; but I'll thocht you was knew better ; it's no a grulse, it's a trout." " A trout, is it ? how do you know ?" " How I knew ?— ken in a moment." " Yes, but how do you know ?" " Weel, will you hearken till I was explain ? You see, a grulse and a trout is of a perfect difference; it's not the same fish at all, and if you was seen a trout and a grulse just be- fore you there, you would say tat fish is not the tothor ; but that's a trout, and tother is a grulse." " Yes 1 yes ! you can say that, Archie, but in what way am I to distinguish between the two?" '* Is it possible noo that you'll no understood? It's a trout, as I'm telling you ay, an* it's no a trout out o' the water down there, the Echeck" beside oursels neither, but a Messon f trouts ; teet is it." " That's all very well, but * The stream of the Kuheck issues from tlie Lock from wliioh it takoa its namu, and (lischurscH its wiiturs iiitotlio Ilnly t^u:b opposite Kilmun. f Ulcn Alubsuii, in Argylluliiic, buliiud Uiuiuoo. LAIRD OF LOQAlf. <59 teH metbe colour, tonu, or point, that I may koow agaia, and how you know that to be a Messon trout ?" " Know't in a moment, mony a tog dee sin' Archie was a whalp ; — the burn doun gaun by, you see, is a bigger burn nor the Messon, and cousequence the trouts are better made, thicker at the shouthers, more stronger to mak' their way through the water, as I would say, and I'll just try again to explain — I will made you knew the difference, plain as if you was a fish yourself, and put your nose to your brither fish, as you will see the kindly cratures in the water when they're meeting wi' them they ken ; ay, more nor some of our brithers and sisters will do amang themsels, for all that's told them in the kirk, deet ay I was going to ex- plain to you the perfect difference tb at there is between a trout and a grulse. You see, if the iwo were laid down before you there this moment, you would observe, ay be- fore just you would look again, and no pouy would need to tell you that they're not the same fish ; you would say that a trout and a grulse would be here and thure, if they happen to be put down, and you knew that's a trout, ay a trout's not a bit of a grulse about it." " But, Archie, I am just as wise as I was, you have yet given me no idea what- ever of the points in which the trout and grilse dill'er from each other." " After that, now, it's a perfect astonishment to me, that you'll not understood what I'll made as plain as the shild's A B C to the school laddie. What I'll say in a word to made you ken, I don't know I you see, for I want you to know, for it's importance to a gentleman like you that's often fish — a grulse and trout belong to a different family, and their father nor mother is not the same, and their off- spring canna be the same, but just resemble their father and mother like oursels — a perfect, altogether difference, never possible to be mistake by any body that will knew a trout ; you see, I say again, there uoo, that's a trout lying down, you'll say in a moment when you'll saw, well that's a trout, and you'll knew it ; a grulse is a difference now, andyoulook at it too, because it's there, and thougli they just be aw»' •160 LAIRD OF LOGAK. from one another, not far you'll just say yourself, they're not the same fish at all. Now you are satisfied that it's no possible to be the same, because they are, as I'm saying as perfect plain, not the same ; if you'll not understood now, you are a stupid more nor I'll thocht, and I canna put words into your head." IN THE NICK OF TIME. Two spinsters who tenanted the attics of a house in Paisley, had long blazed in all the attractions that silks, bombazins, and ribbons could give. Rouge also was tried to aid in restoring the rosy tints of youth, but in vain , the sisters were evidently withering on the stalk. In de- spair, they made a confidant of an experienced match-maker, who advised them to repair to the coast at the bathing sea- son — the place where bachelors most do congregate — and take care to have daily ablutions in Neptune's element, which would help to give the rose's hue to the fading cheek. Away, then, did the anxious couple hie to secure lodgings in a fashionable watering-place on the Clyde. A good many preparations were however necessary before all the et ceteras of dress and family arrangements could be made, so as to enable them to leave home. The younger of the two was impatient, and counted every moment lost, until the advice was put in practice. Her more systematic sister would not move until the arrangements were com- plete. " Come awa', now, I'm sure wo hae eneuch o' claes," said the younger, " and ive can see our friends when we come back; haste you now, a' the fine weather will be by, an' we'll not get out owro a door." " Well then," replied the elder, " to-morrow be the day, foul or fair." When they arrived at bathing quarters, old Neptune had landed all his goods on the wharf early in the day, and had taken out the flood with him, so that what ap[)earod a sheet of fluid miles in breadth, when the lodging liad been secured, was now a field of mud, and the hviny element. LAniD OF LOGAN. 4fil like a line of silver, seemed just to touch the horizon. " Noo, do you see that," exclaimed the younger, "wi' your taigling and prejinctness ; if we had pitten aff ony langer, there wad- na been a drap left." QUESTION AND ANSWBR. The last century drew to a close the labours of John Ronald, an eccentric preacher on the Burgher side of tlie Secession Church. John obtained his license from the Presbytery of Aber- deen, of which city he was a native. Whsther the sarcasm uttered by the Edinburgh Review on the power of an Aber- deen medical degree, or diploma, that it suspended the obligation of the sixth commandment from John O'Groat's to Land's End, be as applicable to Presbyteries, as to dis- pensing with intellect as a qualification for the ministry, we are not prepared to affirm; bu. this lie- iiate h d oir- tainly need rather to be taught himself, th'-' to to an in- structor of others. John's was a squat figure, " as much hither and y^. t as up and down," so that he might - ve beea \ hy^ uicasure- ment in one direction, an inch and half deoth of foreheaii. flat over the ridge of the caput, with rather an uxt i of developement at caution and acquisiti • • ess, — a broad, round disc, capacious mouth, piercing eyes, deep in the socket, the expression of which indicated that the most of the light they enjoyed, came from the orb of day ; these visual apertures were protected above by an array of bristles thrusting out their points in defence. His costume corres- ponded with the physical fabric — " With coat of no new-fangled trim, And bat of Blouched umbrella brim." He had got the leading doctrines of his creed, Calvinism, thoroughly engraved on memory's tablet. His manner was awkward and embarrassed ; his pronunciation broad with the ordinary accentuation of the Aberdonians ; his voice 462 LAIRD OF LOGAN. rasping and reedy, with a cough, which he had nursed from his youth, and had influence enough with to persuade to be- come chronic, and which, like an obedient child, came al- ways opportunely to his relief on every emergency. Ronald came round, in the course of his appointments, to Falkirk, during the incumbency of the father of the late Dr. Belfrage. The itinerant instructor, after putting his pony into the stable of the inn to be fed, proceeded to Mr. Bel- frage's. Mr. B., who was a plain, warm-hearted minister, much beloved by his people, held out the brotherly hand to the preacher, " Come awa, Mr. Ronald, I am glad to see you. You'll stay and tak* your kail with us, and before that time I happen to have a diet of examination, and you'll tak' the second floorfu'." " Na, na," replied Mr. Ronald, " I'll no dee that ; na, na ; I jeest left Donald, puir thing, Bwer at the inn to eat his bit cappyfu' o' oats, and cam ower *;o see you and the ladies, and you ken, Mr. Beveridge, I ha'e a lang road afore me, and it would be ill thocht o' me to hurt my bit beastie that has carried me foul day and fair for nearly a score o' years." " Tuts," resumed Mr. Bel- frage, " a' palaver ; plenty o' time to tak' a floorfu' for me, and your dinner, and gang a' the road you have to go. You'll need to tak' your dinner somewhere ony way, so you'll just stop." "O na, Mr. Beveridge, 'deed ye maun exceese me, for I'm no prepar't." " Prepared ! what pre- paration does it need to ask a few simple questions at coun- try folk ; prepared 1 I wonder to hear you." " Weel, since you will insist, you'll gi'e me time to look ower twa sermons on Faith and Repentance." "Faith and Repentance! what's the use o' looking at auld sermons on particular doc- trines, to enable you, as I was saying, to put a few questions to country folk ?" '* Ay, but I maun dcet, Mr. Beveridge, I canna trust mysel' without'n preparation ; 1 micht be pit out, and it disna dee for a minister to be pit out by his hearers ; it hurts reloegion, Mr. Beveridge." " Wcel, weel, look ower your notes for half an hour, and come to the schooliiouse, and by that time I'll be done with the first floorfu", and I>AIRD OF LOGAN. 4G3 you'll take the second." Away Mr. R. hied with breathless anxiety to master again two of his stock sermons on the above doctrines, Mr. Belfrage had just finished his portion, when the northern divine entered the schoolhouse, looking fearfully solemB, his lengthened visage enough to frighten the sub- jects of his interrogation out of their propriety. Mr. Belfra"-e then called up in succession those of his mem- bers whom he wished Mr. R. to examine, and it was thought Mr. B. did not select the worst informed members pre- sent ; and in those days, we may be allowed in passing to remark, members of the Secession Church were gene- rally well informed on high doctrinal points, and were hair-splitting on points of comparatively little importance, " William Grosart, stand up and answer in your own way any questions regarding faith, doctrine, or practice, that my brother, Mr. Ronald, may be pleased to put." " Weel, William," began Mr R., " ye'U be sae obleeging as to answer whether faith or repentance is first ?" Which question was answered in the true Scotch way, by a cross interrogatory. " The order of time, Sir, or the order of grace, do you mean ? " Here Mr Ronald's chronic cough came seasonably to his relief. When it subsided, he continued, "John, I'm asking whether is faith or repentance first ?" " Weel, sir, I heard it, but is't in the order of time, or the order of grace you mean?" Here again the interruption in the windpipe prevented further inquiry for a time. Mr. Bel- frage, seeing his brother puzzled, became daysman. " The order of grace, to be sure, William." " Jeest, jeest," interjec- ted the Aberdonian, recovering from his cough ; " ay, ay, the order of grace I mean." " Aweel, sir," rejoined the imper- turbable William," if you meant that, Ithink faith is the first; Zechareeah twalt and tenth : ' They shall," &c., that's faith, Sir, as I tak' it, and then, Sir, in my mind, comes the exer- cise of repentance, ' They shall mourn." Jolm Cliristie was next called up. " What's the be»^ 464 LAIRD OF LOGA2I. way, John, to resist the temptation of Satan ?" " Just to keep him in ishort grips, sir," immediately replied the pithy John, keeping the muscles of his face as rigid as cordage on the stretch. A paroxysm of coughing again seized the examiner, and John was allowed to resume his seat without any more questioning. The next was a change of sex, seeing that Ronald had been so sadly put out by the two previous. " Janet, Janet, Janet, what's the penalty of the covenant of grace ? " " Pen- alty o' the covenant o' grace, sir! — penalty o' the covenant o' grace 1 How can there be ony penalty, when nane o' the parties are fallible ?" The chroaic affection in the throat became again excited ; Janet was permitted to resume her seat, and during the remaining part of the examination, John stuck close to the formula of the Westminster divines — the Shorter Catechism. Mr. R , in leaving the school-room, put in a solemn caveat against future appearance as an interrogator at Fal - kirk. " I ha'e ance examined for you in Falkirk, Mr Bev- eridge, but I'll ne'er de'et again as long as my name is John Ronald, for sic folk as ye ha'e here, I ne'er saw the like o' ; they're up to the system as well as yoursel'." INFANTINE 8HRE\VDNES8. A cuBiooB boy in Lochwinnoch parish questioning hia mother about the origin of man, &c., was answered, " that we are all made of clay." " Are the horses made of clay, too?" he asked. " O I yes," was the reply, "all of clay." " Then, mither, Duncan Davidson having but ae leg, has the clay been done, d'ye think, when he has to gang wi' a timmer ane ?" PARENTHESIS IN PBAYER. A PASTOR of a small congregation of Dissenters in the west of Scotland, who. in prayer, often employed terms of LATBD OF LOGAN. 4G3 familiarity towards the great Being whom ho invoked, was addressing his petition in the season of an apparently doubt- ful harvest, that he would grant such weather as was ne- cessary for ripening and gathering in the fruits of the ground, when, pausing suddenly, he added, *' But what need I talk, when I was up at the Shotts the other day, everj thing was as green as leeks ?" A CLERICAL NURSE. A collier's wife, at whose house the worthy minister was intimate, was seated, with her child, one Sunday in the front of the gallery. The child, perhaps not more tired, but less in the habit of suppressing its feelings than the grown up part of the congregation, began to get fidgetty, and at last burst out into a squall. The reverend gentleman, wishing to soothe his young acquaintance, stopped his dis- course, and to the great amusement of the audience, called out, " Ou noo, Jenny, lass, I see ye 1" A clerical cook. On another occasion he was rating the female part of his hearers for the irregularity of their attendance at church, " But," says he, " some of you will make an excuse, that ye maun stay at hame and mak' the kail." To that I an- swer, " mak' them on Saturday." " Aye," but say ye, " the kail winna keep — they'll be sour gin Sunday." My reply to that is, " put ye neither sybos nor leeks in them, and I'll ca'tion them." OFF TAKING AND TAKING OFF. Two boys in Dairy being at their pastimes, the one remarked to the other, " My faither whan he gangs to his bod tak's afT his leg an' lay'st by." The other rejoined, •• he canna do that: how can ony body tak' aft' their leg?" 2h 466 LAIRD OF LOGAN. " But he can," was the reply, " for my faither's leg's a wooden ane, an' he tak's't aff at night an' puts't on in the morning." The boy seeing the force of the assertion added, " Ou ay, I dare say that, but he does na tak' aff his real leg." " No, no," was the reply, " because it's aff already." A SCOTCH HINT. Mr. Ppllar, minister of the Secession Church in the Holm of Balfron, perhaps one of the most learned clergy, men in that body, was possessed of great simplicity of manners and benevolence of heart. Mr. Pullar died in the spring of 1810. The manse had a garden attached to it well stocked with pear trees of a superior quality, which was a temptation too strong to be resisted by some of his neighbours. Every year his orchard was mercilessly plundered of the choicest of his favourite pear ; and, though carefully watched, the plunderer eluded the utmost vigilance. Circumstances at length transpired to fix strong suspicion on one of the neighbours. The minister, after conversing with the suspected person on other matters, remarked at parting, " By the bye, John, the pear tree at the north corner of the garden, will be quite ready next week." The minister's garden was unmolested afterwards. DOCTRINE AND PRACTICE. One of Mr. Pullar 's flock was much given to fault-find- ing with his minister's pulpit appearances. He took offence at Mr. P.'s divisions of his subjects. " Ye," said he, " lay out your discourse a' into heads and particulars — now, in my mind, you should, Sir, first raise a Doctrine out o' your text, and then lay out your heads and particulars : the marrow. Sir, is the Doctrine " " Yes," replied the really hum Die Mr. P., for his was not the affectation of humility, *• but it is sometimes difficult to raise a Doctrine, as ye call LAinn OF I.OGAN. 4fi7 it, out of certain subjects." " Difficult, said yc !— you that has sae muckle lair, and as mony books as would build a rick like a hay stack. I think, little wit as I ha'e, and far less lair, I could do't — a' Scripture, ye ken, is given for Doc- trine as well as Reproof, as I tak' it. " Well, then, William, what Doctrine would you raise from the passage, ' Jesus I know, and Paul I know ; but who art thou ?' " DETERMINED OPPOSITION. The dislike that clergymen generally entertain towards colleagues, is proverbial. An instance was given in the case of Mr. Morrison, settled somewhere on the borders in the south. He was long the clerk to the party in the body of Seceders who made a stand against the imposition of the burgess oath, and hence were denominated Anti« burghers — the opposition party. Burghers. Mr. M. became infirm, having got beyond the ordinary ultimatum, " three- score-and-ten," and his flock wished to give him an assistant shepherd, to which he stoutly objected. The members of his church did not press their desire very urgently at first, but never lost sight of their object. At last they in- sisted on a meeting of the congregation being called, to ascertain the feeling of the people. Mr, M. could not object to the meeting, but determined still to oppose. His under- standings, unable to support, or transport their load of the frail tenement of which they had been the buttresses, were actually carried in a hand-barrow to the church, to declare that they required no assistance. POTTING THROUGH WORK. Deacon M , of Dumbarton, was in the habit of sacri- ficing very freely to the jolly god. One forenoon, being " Bacchi plenus," he accidentally thrust his elbow through the minister's window. The clergyman was out instant- ly, and lectured him on the sin and folly of his conduct, 468 LAISD or LOOAN, and the ruin of health and charaoter that would follow his perseverance in it. " Ay, ay," said the Deacon, "that's a' very fine — my plan is to pit by a' my drinkin' when I'm young and strong, and no to be seen gaun stottin' about, aye half fu', when my head's as white as the snaw." A GREAT NOISE AND LITTLE WOOL. 'fflEftB is a lady of whom we have related several anec- dotes in preceding pages — the wife of a much esteemed clergyman amongst those who have seceded from the kirk. On one occasion, the Doctor having got some one to preach for him, who was possessed of great strength of lungs, the lady, on coming home, where there was a company of min- isters, addressed the preacher — " A great deal o' thunder this day ! — great deal o' thunder." " Ay, Mem," said he, " I did not hear it ; was there any light'uing?" '* No, no ; no muckle o' that." BEATING THE AIB. Oif another occasion one of the same physical -force men was preaching for the Doctor, to whom she remarked, " Well, Sir, I think we had fully mair din than doctrine this day — our folk are best acquainted with the ' still small voice.' " NOT IN tone- When those aids to singing, called musicai pitchforks, were first introduced, the precentor of Carnock parish, a few miles from Dunfermline, thought he might not be the worse of one, and accordingly ordered the Edinburgh carrier to bring it over. The honest carrier, who never heard of any other pitchfork but that used in the barn- yard, purchased one at least ten feet long. It was lata in the Saturday evening before he came home, and as a message had been left to bring it up when ho came to lAran OF LOGAN. 4G9 churcli next day, he marched into the churchyard before the bell rung, where the master of song was standing amid a group of villagers. " Aweel, John, here's the pitchfork you wanted ; but I can tell you, I ne'er thought muekle o' your singing before, and I'm sail- mista'cn if ye'll sing ony better now 1" THE ACCIDENT ACCOMBIODATING. The late Bailie , of Inverkeithing, was dining one day with a brother magistrate, whose dwelling was ap- proached by an outside stair without a railing. About seven o'clock, in a fine summer evening, the Bailie, in making his exit, took the wrong side of the stair, and came down not in the most elegant position, and lighted upon a dunghill at the corner of the house. " Eh I Sirs," cried an old wife from her window opposite, •' is that you, Bailie?" " Deed, Janet, it is me," said the Bailie, " but I was gaun wast the street at ony rate !" nature's rhetoric. Many of our local readers will recollect of a manager o\ the Glasgow Theatre Royal, some quarter of a century ago, who cared little what exhibitions were got up, if they onlj tended to fill the house. A person he was who used to make the masters and misses laugh to convulsive side-shak- ing, exclaiming, " Oh, prodigious !— stop— murder," while he unlocked his ponderous jaws, showing a capacious mouth, opening to the ears. This bufibon was prevailed on to cobble up an affair of his own, and the boards which had been trod by Cooke, Siddons, Kemble, Koan, &c., were obliged to submit to the hoofs and carter-like pacing of this mountebank. His epitaph we give, written by himself — " When I am dead, 'twill come to pass. Each feeling tree, and shrub, and spire of grass, That decks uiy toiuh, will cry, alas!" 470 LAIRD OF LOGAN. "cripples are great boasters — BREAK YOUR LEG AND TRY." Ahother of the same class, to whom Nature unfortunately had given figure and feature similar to the then monarch in the acted drama — Edmund Kean — who had taken his atti- tudes and intonations of that great master from the upper gallery, and rehearsed behind his own counter, and shed the blood of Ring Henry, apostrophising his sword, reeking with well dried oatmeal, which article the tragedian retailed this harlequin was also induced to appear, a la Kean, in Richard 111., when the utter burlesque of such an exhibi- tion was sure to bring a house. A few wags of his ac- quaintance took the box nearest to the stage, for the pur- pose of applauding or otherwise, as might best produce amusement. At a certain part, when the meal-dealer was drawing on his gauntlet glove, and putting his body in a rocking motion, after the manner of his model, a complete burst of laughter came pealing from the box mentioned, which nearly put out the actor, who, looking at the box, thus addressed them — " Just come on, and try't yoursol's^ lads — you'll find it nae easy job." PASSAGES FROM THE DIARV OF A VENTRILOQUIST. We have elsewhere in this work related from memory a ventrilpquial adventure which occurred about ten years ago in the island of Bute. Since the part containing it appear- ed, we have been favoured with the perusal of a MS. entitled, " Some Passages from the Diary of a late Ventriloquist," in which we find the story alluded to very graphically detailed. As we must confess it was sadly mangled by us in the telling, we shall take the liberty of here inserting the correct version. We shall also extract the ventriloquist's account of another adventure which we find entered in the Diary ; and having made this satisfaction, we hope that tiie manes of the great Carmichael will now bo propitiated by this amende. LAIRD or LOGAN. 471 " 7th Nov., 1829. " TuE few tricks I have hitherto played in this quarter arc so similar in their nature to some of those which I have already recorded, that it would be mere iteration to insert them. This day, however, has been unusually productive of fun, and that, too, of rather a novel description. As I was quietly sauntering along a footpath which leads over a hill, towards the west side of the island, I saw a man and several women rush confusedly out of a small thatched farm house, with anguish and consternation in their looks. On inquiring what was the matter, they told me they had heard a strange voice in the loft and below the hearth, and they were sure there was something no canny about the house. An old woman said 'it was just like a dead man's voice,' and then added, with a most piteous look, ' It's a fortnicht the day since Colin gaed to the sea,' I\Iy surprise and curio- sity being a good deal excited, I entered the house, where I found standing on the floor, and laughing heartily, a stalwart youth, whose stature and strength, as well as the meteoric splendour of his mane, seemed to proclaim him of the ' red- haired sons of Fingal.* I immediately recognised in him one of the most diligent frequenters of M'Corkindale's hall — the scene of my performances. Ho at once explained the mysterious conduct of the rustics, by informing mo that he had, a few days before, made the joyful discovery that he possessed the gift of ventriloquism, and that the deception he had just practised was one of his first attempts to exer- cise it. He then proposed that I should accompany him to a distillery in the neighbourhood, which had the reputation of being haunted. We accordingly proceeded to visit the knights of malt, whom we found intently busied about their various operations. An old man, whose name I ascertained to be John M'Lean, was occupied, shovel in hand, at one of the furnaces. While we were engaged in conversation with the distiller, who happened to be present, I pronounced the old man's name with a most unearthly twang. He imme- diately grounded his fire-arm, made an awkward reverence, 472 LAIRD OF LOGAN. and stammered out, ' What's your wuU, sir ? ' But as there was no person in the direction towards which he turned, he probably fancied that he had made a mistake, and mvitteiing' Peg pardon,' he plunged his shovel again into the ashes. At this moment I advanced to the furnace, and desired him to open it. He had no sooner done so, than a voice, as of a spirit in agony, issued forth, and ' syllabled his name ' with appalling distinctness. The old man was for a second or two stunned with horror at this preternatural summons ; he then looked round in stupid bewilderment, when his eye fell on the door, which stood wide open, and he was in the act of mustering all his energies, in order to make a precipitate retreat, when I seized him by the collar, and hinting my suspicions that he had done ' a deed of dreadful note,' assured him of my determination to sift the mystery of iniquity to the bottom. The distiller, who was, as might naturally be expected, a man of spirits, speedily dis- covered the spurious quality of the one I had called up ; but the maltman, although he was scarcely so terror-struck and amazed as his fellow workman, seemed to have no doubt whatever that it was perfectly genuine. Ensconcing himself cautiously behind us, he questioned it thus : — ' Bheil Gaelic agad?' (Do you speak Gaelic?) The spirit having, through the interposition of my new confederate, answer, cd in the affirmative, the Celt was further emboldened to ask its name, ' C'ainm a 'thort?' The voice responded in the same wailing and lugubrious tone, ' Hamish Mao- Chomish,' which, being interpreted, signifies ' James Thomson.' This is the name of a man who either drowned himself, or was accidentally drowned in the beautiful lake on the banks of which Mr. Kean's cottage is so romanti- cally situated. It was now my turn to address the spirit of the furnace. ' Who are you ?' ' I'm James Thomson's ghost.' * What do you want here ?' ' I want John M'Lean.' ' Why do you want John M'Loan ?' ' He threw me into Lochfad. Honest John was overwhelmed with dismay, on hearing so dreadful a crime brought to his LAIRD OP LOGAN. 473 charge, in a manner so awful and supernatural. He threw down his shovel, lifted his hands in a deprecatory attitude, ejaculated throe times, with increasing fervour and vehe- mence, ' O Dhia I ' (O God !) struggled out of my grasp, and rushed wildly out into the fields. He did not stop till his breath failed him. We soon overtook him, when he burst into the most solemn protestations of innocence, assuring us by all that was sacred that he had never touched a hair •)f Hamish M'Chomish's head. We then thought it high time to disclose the secret, and told him it was all a trick ; but he stubbornly refused to believe us, and expressed his determination never to enter the distillery again " I next proceeded towards several cottages on the top of a neighbouring hill, in company with my young Cicerone, who seemed well acquainted with the people, as well as the loca- lities. We entered one of these huts, and found it tenanted by a tall and brawny Highlander from Lismore, whom, not- withstanding his carroty locks, my fellow-adventurer hailed by the name of Ian Dhu. He was, together with his wife, se- veral children, and a pretty little seamstress, busily engaged in discussing a mess of potatoes which were served up, to- gether with some slender accompaniments, on a huge buifet- stool. Ian, whose visage was naturally none of the blithest, looked rather sulky at our intrusion, and answered our saluta- tion with a gruffness of manner for which we determined to punish him. After asking for a drink of water, seating our- selves beside the fire, and exchanging a few remarks about the weather, I quietly began the works of darkness. They took effect first upon lan's wife, who, looking towards the chimney, remarked, ' The wund maks a droll noise in the lum the day.' Her husband, who now listened attentively for a few seconds, fancying that he could distinguish the voice of a child, rose from his seat, saying, ' I tliink it's ane o' Rob Johnston's weans greetin'. They're a' oot at the peats, and maybe they ha'e left the bairn in the hoose.' Whereupon he went out to ascertain whether this was the case, and returned immediately with the information that 474 LAIRD OF LOGAN, there ' wasna a sowl iu Rob's hoose.' Meanwhile, there was a brief cessation of the mysterious sounds; but, a few minutes after Ian resumed his seat, the song of ' Roy's wife of Aldivalloch,' was suddenly struck up in the peat loft. The rapid change in the direction of the voice, as well as the unearthliness of its tones, and the quick transition from accents of grief and lamentation to sounds of merriment, would have appalled many a stout heart. But Ian seemeu not to have the slightest suspicion of supernatural agency, and, therefore, after an ineflFectual summons to the invisible singer to make his appearance, he boldly scrambled up into the loft, and rummaged among the peats. His search hav- ing of course proved unsuccessful, he came down, evideutly not a little surprised and irritated. No sooner had he made his descent, than the voice again took up its position in the chimney, but much farther down than before, and bawled out lustily for aid, sputtering, coughing, groaning, and sobbing by turns. Ian applied his head close to the fire-place, and called out, * What the deevil are ye doin' in the lum ? ' Put out the fire, or I'll be choked," was the reply. He looked for water, but the water stoups were empty. He then seized a frying-pan, as the best expedient he could hit upon at the moment, and pressed it down upon the burning em- bers with tremendous energy, in order to extinguish the fire. The voice, nevertheless, continued as clamorous as ever for assistance. Ian stood on the floor for a few seconds in a state of utter bamboozlement and perplexity, and then rushed out at the door as if in desperation. In his haste he overturned an old woman, whom the noise had attracted. After briefly explaining to her in Gaelic what was the mat- ter, he disappeared. A minute afterwards 1 looked out at the window, and saw the old woman scouring the fields, as if the foul fiend were in pursuit of her. The house was by this time in an indescribable state of uproar and confusion. The cottar's wife shrieked, beat her bosom, and exclaimed, ' O Dhia!' (O God 1) and the children squalled as if for a wager. I now began to think that the sport had proceeded LAIRD OP LOOAK. 475 far enough, when 1 beard a ruice, much more natural tbau any I could by art produce, bellowing in the chimney witb stentorian power. I looked to the ventriloquial neophyte, and congratulated him on his wonderfully rapid progress. He smiled, and asked what I meant. ' Why,' said I, ' 1 would give any money to be able to do what you have just done.' He still, however, looked perfectly unconscious, and I was quite at a loss what to think. Again the same sounds were repeated during our conversation, and my confederate's astonishment knew no bounds, when he discovered that I was not the author of them, but that they proceeded from a 'neutral voice.' We were both utterly nonplussed, and, rising with one accord, we rushed out, in order to seek for a solution of the mystery. The clamour outside was now equal to the hubbub which reigned within. A crowd of people came running towards us from all directions, utter- ing cries and making gestures which were to us perfectly inexplicable, until we raised our eyes to the house-top. Our perplexity now gave place to uncontrollable laughter, at the extraordinary plight in which we found our friend Ian Dhu. There he was with his nether man high up in air, and his head and shoulders stuck fast in the chimney. It seems that, having mounted the ' rigging ' by means of a ladder, he had attempted to extricate the poor fellow in the chimney — which was only, as one of the bystanders expressed it, ' a rickle o' stanes wi' a big hole in't ' — but, in his humane efforts to do so, had overreached himself, and thus become a fixture, un- til we rushed to his rescue, and restored him to his natural position When his feet were once more on the solid earth, his neighbours surrounded him, and assailed him with ques- tions ; and, as the eclaircissement might prove anything but pleasant to us, we quietly stole away; and well it was that we did so, for our secret was soon discovered, and Ian, seiz- ing a hatchet, gave us chase, with the fi.xcd determination to take summary vengeance. Having, however, had the start of him by several hundred yards, we easily managed to gev clear utl". We learned afterwards that the seamstress I havo 476 LAIRD OF LOGAN. already mentioned, had been to witness my performances in M'Corkindale's, and immediately recognised me on entering, but did not venture to betray my incognito until I left the house." In another portion of the MS. we find the following entry, written during a subsequent visit to Rothsay : — "15th July, 1831. " This morning I stumbled on the old man whom I terri- fied so much two years ago, in one of the distilleries. I met him on the road leading to it, and I think it likely, notwith- standing the determination in which we left him, that he subdued his terrors, and returned to his work. I accosted him with the usual salutation, ' A fine morning, John.' ' A fine ceevil wather, sur.' • Do you remember the fright I gave you two years ago in the distillery? ' Me ! ' exclaimed John with feigned astonishment, but evidently recalling in an instant every circumstance of the dreadful scene, ' I was na nane frichtet.' 'Why then did you rua away so quickly? This was rather a difficult question to answer. He evaded it therefore very adroitly, with the following bravado ; ' I was on board a man o' war for seeven years, an' its no very likely I wad be frichtet for the like o' yon. Guid morning', sur.' Saying this, he shufHed off with strong symptoms of disgust at the subject." BIRDS op A FEATHSa. Dr. F and his heritors, as has been noticed in our pages, were not on the best of terms, and we believe it is equally difficult, perhaps more so, to obtain from these men of acres the assessment for stipend, and the amount neces- sary for repairs, &c., &c., on church and manse, as among the dissenters. In the year 1826, when trade was much depressed, and a great number of the Doctor's hearers, who were hand-loom weavers, could not obtain work, and conse- quently were unable to pay for seats in the church, he in- sisted that the heritors ought to provide accommodation for T.AfRD oy too AW. 477 the poor, and without taking any scat rents from liiem as an indemnification. The heritors tlicn applied to the Sheriff for an interdict, which they obtained, prohibiting all and sundry from entering the seats of the church without their per- mission ; upon which the Doctor and his hearers betook themselves to the churchyard, where, from a tent, sum- mer and winter, " in seed-time and harvest," for nearly nine years, did he preach to his parishioners, while most of the heritors sought accommodation in the adjoining dis- Benting place of worship, which a predecessor of Dr. F.'s had denominated the " Jaw-hole." On one occasion, a sup- posed partisan of the heritors sent a goose into the church- yard, which, setting up a wild gabble, disturbed the wor- shippers. Dr. F. intermitted his discourse, and sarcasti cally exclaimed, — " What a pity that they did not send it down the hill, with the other geese, to gabble in the Jaw- hole 1" On the following Sabbath the goose was again sent into the churchyard, screaming most fearfully, having been deprived of part of its feathery coat. The minister paused, and satirically remarked, " It is so far pleasant to think that its owners are not unmindful of ordinances; for, since they have not come themselves, they have had the grace to send their representative." THE C0T CLERICAL. The same clergyman, who is a keen and skilful debater in church courts, having got into collision with Dr. B., the latter in a passion exclaimed, " I believe, Moderator, that that man will drive every honest person out of this house." " If so," observed the former, " I am sure the Rev. Doctor will remain." A QUALIFIED LEGAL PRACTITIONER. Certain localities in Scotland are in bad odour with the bench for their habitual litigiousness, and the qu« 478 LAIRD OF LOGAN. merous cases of doubtful character that are brought from them by appeal from the lower courts. A country prac- titioner, who had a case under debate before Lord Eldin, in the Court of Session, frequently interrupted the course of the debate by thrusting himself forward, and making suggestions to his counsel. At length his system of intrusive impertinence became intolerable, and his Lord- ship in his usual pawky manner addressed the country- man of parchments thus : — " Gin I may speir, my man, whar do ye belang to ? ' " My Lord, I practise in Beith." " Ay, and whar were ye brought up ? " "I served my time, my Lord, in Kilwinning." " Ou ay, and sin' ye ha'e been sae free, ye'll maybe tell us whar ye were boi-n ? " " Deed, my Lord, 1 was born in Kilmaurs." " Born in Kilmaurs, bred in Kilwinning, and practising in Beith. It's my opinion, lad, ye would stand a gude chance if ye would put up as candidate for procurator to the deevil 1 " A WOODEN SUBSTITUTE. Will Miller, a well known humourist in the district of Kyle, having taken a trip to the " land of liberty " and slave-holders, was taken to visit, among other sights, the Fails of Niagara. " Well, Mr. .Miller," said a full-blown Yankee, after allowing time for the contemplation of the scene, " is not that wonderful ? In your country you never saw anything like that." " Like that I " quoth Will," there's a far mair wonderfu' concern no twa miles frae whar I was born. Man, at the Kaimshill there's a peacock wi' a tim- racr leg 1 " SCOTCH ACCOMMODATION In the west country it i.s the custom in farm houses to give a draught of milk to every visitor, immediately after dinner. Will Miller, who was working as a joiner at a coun- try house, where the people were somewhat parsimonious, LAIRD OF LOGAN. 479 had, for a few days, been presented for his after-dinner drink, with whey instead of milk, the liquid usually given to the pigs. At length. Will grew tired of his thin potations, and, on the mistress setting down his old bicker of whey, he remarked, in his usual naive manner, to her — " Now, mistress, keep mind, ye necda hamper the swine, poor beasts, o' their meat for me. I could tak' a drink o' milk ony day, gin it were to oblige you." A LIBERAL OFFER. A CLERGYMAN was presented to a living in the vicinity of Glasgow, who had a protuberance between his shoulders, arising from diseased spine and a corresponding protrusion of the chest. The parishioners were opposed to a person of such an ungainly appearance occupying their pulpit. The presentee heard of the dissatisfaction, and, being a personage of some humour and tact, convened a meeting of the mal- contents, in order to ascertain their objections. " I have hoard," said he, " that ray settlement amongst you is not likely to be agreeable — now, as I am not aware of any ob- jection to my opinions or practice — my slender abilities for such a charge I admit — I should just like, as we arc all friends and brethren, and have only one object to serve, that you would state your objections." One glanced to an- other, which was as significantly returned almost round the vetoists, and silence prevailed for some time. " Speak out," said the presentee, " don't be afraid ; I am not ready to take offence," when one stammered out, " Sir, you see ! we — you see —Sir— sin' I maun speak for my brethren here — dinnalike your bodily appearance." " Neither do I," was the reply, " and if ye can get it repaired, I'll be at half the expense mysel'." HIGHLAND rACKING. W HEN the local militia were in training, during the war with Bonaparte, they were often sent to country quarters 480 LAIRD OF LOGAN. to drill, and to give them the habits of soldiers. Tlic landed magnates in the neighbourhood vied with each other in the frequency and magnificence of their hospitali- ties to the officers. At one of those entertainments, given by a certain nobleman, a Highland captain, who occupied the right of the hostess, was pressed to partake of dish after dish, which he did in right good earnest. Her lady- ship still continued her suit, and pressed the captain to partake of a piece of delicious veal. Unable farther to comply, he apologised, putting both his hands on his chest with appropriate action — " Na, na, my lord's lady, na, na ; I'm a^ fu's a partan." A MODERN ORACLE. Any of our readers who have been deposited at Gibb's Hotel, in the royal burgh of Stirling, must have seen a half- witted creature named Daft Dawson, looking after largesses from the stagecoach passengers. One day a shilling was tossed to him by a liberal John Bull ; Scotchmen deal more in the brown. Dawson looked at the gift with astonishment, and exclaimed, " Man, you're raaist as daft as Dawson." This eccentric had, as a set-off against the want of in- tellect, a considerable portion of cunning and sarcasm, with a very peculiar mode of shifting the responsibility of his sarcasms on a third party. Dawson pretended to nave a familiar spirit which he consulted on all occasions of difficulty. His mode of consulting the oracle, was putting his bonnet over his face and muttering some incoherences, and then giving the response which he him- self had previously manufactured. Two ladies gave him twopence, when Dawson addressed himself immediately t« ills oracle. The ladies, struck at the singular attitude, inquired at liim what he was doing, "I was just inquir- ing," replied he, " whether I should tak' what ye gied me." " Ay; and what answer did yc got ? " " Ou, just to tak it' but it wasna what micht ha'e been expeckit." IjVIRD of LOGA>f. 481 N REV. WALTER DUNLOP. The Rev. Walter Dunlop was minister of the Second United Secession Church, Dumfries, now the United Pres- byterian Cliurch. Mr D. was a gentleman of the most facetious torn in conversation ; his wit and humour are known over the whole church with which he was connected. He only died within these few years (1S52). Mr Dunlop was returning one evening from visiting some families in the country, and as he approached the town, ho observed an oldish dame in a towering passion at some geese who had takeu liberties in a field of oats. With uplifted hands Bhe cried, " Deil choke you, ye lang neckit brutes, brokin' the guid corn that gait !" Mr D. passed on without taking notica 2i 482 LAIRD OF LOGAN. of the offensive expression. He had not proceeded far when he came up to a man whose attire and occupation proclaimed his country and his craft. " Come out," cried Paddy to a drove of grunters who had trespassed on a field of oats ; " come out, ye thundering thieves, from the corn — your mouth's nothing to what you are putting under yom- feet. Jlay Ould Nick take ye by the throat, and choke ye in a moment, every robber of ye !" Mr D. could not allow the second reference to pass unnoticed, and, with his usual caustic humour apologised, " Ye maun excuse him for a wee ; he's thrang, as I passed, choking some geese east the road a bit, but I hae nae doubt he'll be wi' ye imme- diately." A GOOD COOK. Mr Duklop was a very decided dissenter, and held and main- tained what is called voluntary church principles. Immediately after the disruption in the Church of Scotland, the late Dr Cook of St Andrew's, who was considered the best authority on the laws and usages of the National Church of his day, happened to be in Dumfries, and one of the town clergy introduced Mr Dunlop to him. " I am glad to be introduced to you, Dr Cook ; glnd to see you ! Really, sir, ye hae been lang cooking at these non-intrusionists, but ye hae fairly dished them at last." FINE AND CAUTION. At the River Bailie Court in Glasgow, an individual was brouglit to tlie bar for a breach of the harbour and river police regulations. Tiic presiding judge fined the ofl'endor in lialf-a- guinea. The culprit, as usual, pled in mitigation of the penalty. "Na, na," said the implacable magistrate, " if yc tliiiik it ower dear, dinna come hack again." PETITION AND ANSWER. A Tort scion of a worthy parochial clergj-man said to his fittlier, on the passing of the civic Reform Bill, " Father, j'ou LAIRD OF LOGAN. 483 have been petitioning ever since I recollect for inferior magis- trates; you have got your petition answered now." AN IRISH QUALIFICATION FOR CIVIC OFFICE. " Well ! what am I to give you for carrying in that waggon of coal?" said a gentleman to an Irish burden-bearer of the black diamond. "Just what your honor plaises." "Is that your charge?" " Yes, Sir." " Well, I'll give you tenpence." "Ten- pence ! tenpence ! sure your honor would not disgrace yom-self by giving a tenpenny for carrying in them cruel load of cods." " Then I'll just pay you at the rate fixed by the Lord Provost and Magistrates ; here it is in this printed book," taking up the Glasgow Directory. " Very well, plaise read it, your honor.'' "For carrymg in a waggon load of coal, up two stairs, ten- pence." " An' is that printed ?" "I have read it to you." "More shame to them ; the Lord Provost and Magistrates never carried coals themselves, or else they would not have ordered only ten- pence for such a ciniel load of work." CLEARING SCORES. A FEAV gentlemen going home from a supper party, amongst whom was the late amiable John Imlah, writer of many very popular Scottish songs, were accosted by Hawkie for the beggar's impost. " There's a halfpenny," says Mr Imlab, " will that do?" "No," says the collector, "it will not pay for ye a'." "How much, then, are we owing to you?" "I was looking ower my books last nicht, and I think you are owing me tippence." " How much will you let us oflF for — past, present, and to come?" " Pope Leo X., in the sixteenth century, commenced the sale of indulgences, for the purpose of aggrandising his church, and the harlot kirk never fairly damned hersel' till then, and I'm no gaun to follow such an example." A POLITICAL HAT. " Tuat's a shocking like hat you have got on your head. 484 LAIRD OF LOGAN. Hawkie — you never have anj ^alng like a decent one, but that is certainly the worst I ever saw on your head, or I may say on that of any other." " I got it at Paddy's market," said the wit, " an' it's made on the sliding scale," said he, taking it off and lifting off the iipper portion ; " man, I kent the sliding scale afoi'e Peel." A beggar's chakgb. " What will ye charge to teach me the profession of begging, Hawkie ? you have been so long prosecuting that business, you should be well qualified to teach." " Man," replied Hawkie, "ye couldna apply to a better hand: Fll just tak' ye on the terms the poor weavers used to tak' their apprentices ; I'll gie the half o' your winning." A SECOND INTRODUCTION NECESSARY. David Yedder, who fills several goodly pages in " Whistle- biukie" with the effusions of his lyric muse, is a jolly fellow, measuring at least a yard across from one shoulder tip to the other. Our pubhsher queried at William ]\lillcr, author of " Willie Winkle," what he thought of Mr Vedder, to whom he had introduced him ? " He's such a big man, one would need to be introduced to him oftener thr.n ance, or twice either, afore you could know him." A DISCHARGE NOT SUSTAINED. Hawkie accosted a gentleman, and held out the shrivelled hand. " I have no time just now, Hawkie, to give you any- tliing." " It canna tak' ye muckle time to gie me a halfpenny." " I gave you a jienny, Hawkie, jtist the other day." " Maj-be yo did, but I'm just as needfu' now as I was then." " Well ! well, there's a halfpenny again." " Thank ye. Sir! that clears scores meantime." w LAIRD OK LOGAN. 485 REMINDING OF DEBT. " IIae ye ony intention o' paying your debts ?" said Hawkie, ith tbat readiness of adapting his address to his customer which always distinguished him. " It's, hard times, Hawkie. I can't afford to give you anything." " You're no yoursel' in sic circumstances : I am on mair than full time, and havena half pay." A SCOTCH WITNESS. At the Glasgow Circuit Court, a few years ago (1852), a trial came on of some persons accused of havi-ig assaulted and grie- vously maltreated an elderly working man, who, with his wife, had gone to enjoy the festivities usual at a fair in a village near Dum- barton. The assault, from the testimony of the old man, and the marks of violence even then visible on his person, seemed to have been unprovoked and aggravated. His evidence was cor- roborated by that of others who had been present, and espe- cially by his wife, who was minutely examined. She was a gash countrj' woman, quite at her case in telling all she had seen and heard, and her evidence appeai-ed to satisfy the Court of the truth of the charge. In this state of things, the prisoner's counsel evidently thought it hopeless to insist on the negative defence he had previously made for him, unless he could stultify the witness, and destroy the effect of her testimony, by making it out that she had been so much under the influence of drink at the time, as to have disabled her from observing dhlinctly what had happened. Accordingly the panel's couusel, who was somewhat small in size, slender and sallow in complexion, got up from the seat occupied by him, which was, as usual, on the side of the bar oppo- site to the crown counsel, who had just concluded his examina- tion of the witness, and which, rather unfortunately for the con- templated aim of the panel's counsel, not only obliged him to stand considerably below the witness, who was perched up in the witness box close behind, and several feet above him, but forced him either to speak with his back to her, or with upturned 486 LAIRD OF LOGAN. side-face and averted eyes. These undignified alternatives wera meantime imposed on him by the crowding of persons around the bar at the time, but as if in despair, he boldly tried to make tbs best of it. Assuming an ease which he could scarcely feel, an(^ without looking up to her, he called out in an affectedly fine English style, — " Well, Missis, you say you were at Renton last fair day ; pray let me know at what hour you got there ?" The witness, not perceiving the counsel immediately under where she was standing, but heaiing a voice, gazed wildly around, as if at a loss to discover whence it came, and what was said ; and having remained silent, the counsel, turning up the side of his head, and looking keenly at her, repeated his question. On hearing his address, the witness, whether puzzled by his English phraseology, or otherwise, bent forward, and eyeing him rather superciliously, said, — " What's your wull, Sir ?" Her coolness was entire ; and on the counsel slowly repeating the question, she answered, — " Ou, we just gacd there like ither folk, to be shure, whan the fair began." " But at what hour was that ?" asked the counsel. The witness here began to hold some kind of conversa- tion with the interrogator, which being inaudible to the Jury, was stopt by the presiding Judge, Lord Moncricff; and the witness being admonished to speak aloud, and to address the Court, she forthwith stood erect, and said, — " Deed I wasna mindin' the hours ; for the gudeman and me, after leavin' hanie, had a gay bit to gang, an' wo forgather't wi' sae mony acquaintances on tlie way, and had sae mony cracks, that it was far up i' the day ere we got into the fair." " Well, Missis," said the counsel, " had you any drink that day?" With a curiously suspicious stare, the witness said, — " I'se warran' we had drink like our neighbours." " Well, Missis, had you nmch drink, or were you and the gudeman in many houses di inking?" LAIUD OF LOGAN. 487 " Ou, atweel wc called on a' our friends, and we had the offer o' drink frae them a'." Here the counsel, by strict questioning, drew from the witness the names of a number of persons in whose houses they had been ; and then he began asking, somewhat tartly, the par- ticulars of the quantity and quality of drink they had in each. " Well, Missis, how much had you in the first house ?" and the witness answering she could not recollect, was asked " if she herself had not a gill?" — meaning in all that day. On this she sternly ans\vered, " No." The counsel insisted then on hearing of how much she might have partaken in that and in other places that day, and was answered in several sentences. " I just pree'd what was offered me here and there, and in some o' the houses I scarce did mair than put it to my mouth," — and she was proceeding to explain the different tastings and preeings which had occurred, when the Judge (seeing the Jury were tired, and the witness fretted,) and thinking to meet the counsel's views in ascertaining the nc/ua/ quantity of drink taken by her, and whether it could affect her testimony, addressing the witness, said, " Well, good woman, I believe all the gentle- man wants is just to know how much drink you had taken dur- ing the whole of that day." The witness, seeming to think this was rather impertinent, and an unnecessary revelation to any one, with the greatest simplicity said to his Lordship, " / sitpjwse sae." The ludicrous mistake of his Lordship's meaning by the wit- ness, set all present into fits of laughter, except herself and the prisoner's counsel — the last of whom seemed anxious, by saying something smart, to recover himself from the disappointment he felt. With this view, scarcely had the laughter subsided, when, assuming a posture, gesture, and language of unusual importance and solonmity, he said to her, in a tone unnaturally gruff,— ' Now, Missis, are you prepared to swear, by the great oath you've taken, that you were not the tcorse of drink- that day ?" This appeal caused instant silence and turned every eye on 488 LAIRD OF LOGAN. the witness, who, calmly looking do^vu at the prisoner's counsel, said, — " The waur o' drink! said ye, Sir? na, deed no. The gude- man and me were a hantle the letter o' a' we got that day, except frae ihae (looking at the panels) blackguard friends o' yours." This inconscionable chopper not only silenced the prisoner's counsel, but upset the gravity of the Judges, who laughed heartily, while all in Court were so tickled, that it was sometime ere the macer's reiterated calls could repress the bursts of laughter which continued on all sides. All this time the witness seemed unconscious of the cause of the men-iment, and when told she might go away, she was slowly descending the steps of the wit- ness box, when her eye meeting that of the prisoner's counsel, she nodded, and said to him, — " I wunner a lad sae weel put on as you wad try to bumboozle a puir woman like me, to please sic waff customers as your friends there." THE PEDAGOGUE AND THE PREMIER. In a small school-house, witliin the domain of Erskine of Cardross, Perthshire, tliers ruled for nearly sixty years, William Buchanan, who, some forty-five years ago (1 852) initiated ourselves in the mysteries of arithmetic. There, with tongue and taws, he diffused the knowledge of our alphabet in all its combina- tions — caligraphy cudgels, turns, text, half-text, capitals, and small-hand — figures, with all their powers, from addition upwards ; and many a tickler, in the latter depnrtment, has our head ached with, before a solution was obtained — no helping hand from the dominie ! The maximum amount of income that tills humlilc wiclder of the birch enjoyed, and never exceeded, was sixteen pounds per annum ; and few years, indeed, to our know- ledge, did his revenue from school-fees, his only remuneration for teaching, amount to that sum. To supplement his income, the dominie surveyed land, put mole snares in the ground, took down, and cleaned, and oiled the flirm and cottage LAIRD OF LOOAN. 489 chronometers ; we have, moreover, seen the fire flash from the steel, at a razor-grinding apparatus in the farther end of the school ! He could fish, he could fowl, ho could chant a stavo with great spirit and some science ; he was the life and soul of the social party. Though the severe-looking authority in the school, his was not a rule of terror ; it seemed more painful for him to inflict punishment, than it was for the trembling kilted culprit at his bar to receive it. The late Mr Erskine of Cardross often befriended Mr Buchanan, which we have heard him acknow- ledge with the moisture in his eye. How is it, we arc tempted to ask, that such benefactors to our race are so miserably re- mimerated ? The hero of our story was an excessively keen politician of the most out-and-out liberal school. Many a farmer's cabinet council was held in our days round the peat-fire, blazing in the middle of the school (the smoke escaping as it best could), when Bonaparte, at that time the terror of Great Britain, threatened our beloved island with his legions. But to proceed with our story. In the autumn of 1848, when the late Premier Lord John Russell, was making the tour of the Trossachs, he proceeded along the shores of that beautiful sheet of water, the lake of Menteith, and the pedagogue happened to be at the port of ^lenteith when his lordship and his amiable family passed. The carriage had halted at the little inn to have the horses baited, while Lord John sauntered along the road towards Callendar. The dominie determined to see, and if possible to have an inter- view with the man who guided the political helm of Great Britain, made up to the Premier, and touching his white beaver, which he aflirmcd was as good in quality, and the same in colour, as that worn by the Premier, said, " Lord John Russell, I pre- sume ! " "I have the honour to be that person," was the reply. " Well, sir," said the dominie, " I have often read your lordship, but I never saw you before !" Here Lord John engaged freely in conversation, and put manj' queries, which made the dominie say of him, " he's a long-headed shrewd beggar the Premier." At parting, his lordsliip asked, " What may be your occupation ? Are you a labourer?" "No! I am not, your lord.«hip ; I am what they call a country dominie.'' 490 LAIRD OF LOGAN. A NEW SPECIES OF THE GRAPE. Our pedagogne usually made a visit to Glasgow once a-3'ear, and delighted, when at the social table of an old pupil, to go back on fonner days— when the terrible taws kept his entertainer in fear, though that leathern thong, with its armed extremities, was as seldom as possible made use of by Mr Buchanan. The subject of conversation turned on a very fine specimen of the vine, which grew in the open air, and almost covered the entire gable of a house in North "Woodside, Glasgow. A gentleman humorously inquired, " whether they had any grapes in Men- teith." " Plenty of them, sur ! they are so common with us that we dig the potatoes with them." A QUID NUNC. " Hawkie, you are a public pest— a perfect vagabond," said a passer-by; when the wit retorted, "Man, will ye tell me something I dinna ken ?" A SOUND REPLY. " Did you ever hear an ass bray, Ilawkie ?" queried a young whiskered puppy, rather tipsy. " Never till the noo," was the instant reply. A beadle's query. The late Dr Erskine, one Df the ornaments of our Scottish National Church, was a clergyman of deep and earnest piety. One day something had occurred to irritate him, and to put him into a passion rather strong, so that language seemed to bo denied him for a time, Christianity putting a cmb on the refrac- tory tongue. The beadle rather archly qrAried. "Would an aitli relievo ye, Sir ?" LAIHU OF LOGAN. 491 ON THE ODTLOOK. A PARTY of the contributors to " Wliistlebinkie " were enjoy- ing themselves in Glasgow celebrating the arrival of Thom of Inveriiry, in tlic poet's howf, Anderson's Tavern, Trongate, The editor of that work, Alexander Rodger, and William Miller, of nursery song celebrity, a turner by profession, were present. Thom, who was very lame, became the subject of Miller's remark. " How was it, Mr Thom, that I aye thought ye wanted a limb altogether?" " Ay, "Willie," said Sandy, "the shop! the shop ! you are disappointed o' a job." AN elder's excuse. A MEMBER of the Secession Church, in the Anti-burgher division of it, now the United Presbyterian, had subjected himself to church discipline ; and having, as he thought, paid the penalty that the churcb should inflict, not considering that the test of a correct life and conversation, though for a time, should be exacted, pled that eminently religious persons in sacred history had been guilty of gi'cater faults or crimes than he had been, but who had been restored without the quarantine required by the church. " Davit himsel'," said he to his elder, " wasna sae hardly dealt wi'." " Ay, it's a' true ; but ye see, John, there is this difference. Davit hadna au Antiburgher session to deal wi'." MIND AND MATTER. The Rev. Mr Robertson of Kilmarnock, on one of his excited occasions, was waited on by some of his clerical brethren to sympathise with him. They were talking among themselves of the medical treatment which, they thought, should be followed to give relief to the head affection under which he laboured ; bleed- ing and blistering was the only remedy, they presumed, would reheve him. " Bleeding and blistering !" said he, " did ye ever 492 LAIRD OF LOGAN. hear of the devil being cast out by bleeding and blistering ? I have heard of its being done by fasting and prayer, but never by ' bleeding and blistering.' " LET WELL ALA.NE. WiLLiL Grieve added to his own profession, which was that of an itinerating country tailor, a licensed dealer in inebriating liquids, which the guidwife attended to while Willie pursued his calling amongst the tillers of the soil, in the neigh- bourhood of Ecclefechan. The man of shaping and sewing had acquired the habit of indulging frequently in the moral and in- tellectual destroyer, for which he had paid a tax to be permitted to sell. Willie had what is called a wry neck, and what with this twist in the upper portion of the vertebral column, and a certain arch expression in his countenance, made what he uttered have a most comic effect. This Ecclefechan dictator of fashion had fallen in with some boon companions one night in his re- turn home, when an adjournment took place, ai:d Willie partook so freely that he was unable to reach home, but lay down by the roadside and fell fiist asleep. Some passers-by, like the good Samaritan, turned aside and lifted up the tailor, nearly as stiff as his own lahoard; and not knowing the habit of Willie's neck, they put to their strength in order to remedy the twist; the effort brought the sleeper to his senses, " Let alane ! let alane ! what are ye about ? I'm aye that way." OPINION AND THE REASON. " What thocht ye o' my discourse this afternoon, Tammas?" said a clergyman to an old judge of pulpit exhibitions. " 'Deed, sir, I thocht ye vera dry! vera dry! no like yoursel'; but we shouldna maybe complain, for sometimes the richest land is turned into barrenness for the sins of those that dwall therein." A YANKEE ADVERTISEMENT. A GENTLRMAN from the west of Scotland was present at an LAIRD OF LOGAN. 493 exhibition or proccsfion in Boston, of the trades, professions, and modes of labour, which were shown on platform-carriages drawn by horses. Jonathan, who goes far a-head in everything of John Bull, Sawney or Pat, not only exhibited smiths at the anvil, carpenters with hatchet and plane, and masons with mdlet and chisel, but milk-maids relieving hawkie of her fluid trea- sure ; and to wind up this milky department, a remarkably well-conditioned wet nurse passed in review, well qualified, apparently, for her profession, nothing daunted by the public gaze. PUTTING TUK 1!EST FACE ON THINGS In the beginning of the temperance movement in Scotland, great ellbrts were made to get the clergy connected with it to become members of the association. A venerable father on the west coast of Scotland was solicited to join, who remarked, " I hac nae need to join ony temperance cause. I think I use a' the blessings Providence sends my way temperately and thank- fully, and I dinna see that I am infringing Christian rule, though I tak' my tumbler at night ; but really if I thocht that my example could be the means of reclaiming two notorious drun- kards, giving their names, I might be induced to join your asso- ciatian." One of these individuals came along the street one day driv- ing his horse, and it could be observed with half an eye, that the balance which regulates the centre of gi'avity had lost, for the time, its self-adjusting power. Up he came to the minister, and touching his hat, said, " I heard your proposal. Sir ! I heard your proposal ! Just gi'e me as muckle as will get twa half- mutchkins, and Pll keep ye out o' that scrape." QCICK IN THE UPTAKE. At a funeral in Glasgow, the clergyman who was expected to lead the devotions of those assembled on the melancholy occa- sion, did not come forward. The beadle called out the name of 494 LAIRD OF LOGAN. an elder whom he knew to be in the room. The worthy office- bearer not being accustomed to such exercise beyond his own family, with great presence of mind snatched up his hat, saying, " I wonder wha can be wanting me ?" and quickly evanished, to the astonishment of the company. HAWKIE AND THE MORMON PREACHER. " You seemed listening very diligently, I observed, to a ser- mon in front of the Jail, last Sabbath, Hawkie. What was the preacher's subject when you were so attentive ?" " 'Deed I was very attentive, and weel I micht ; for the subject was ane in which I was personally concerned. It was ane o' your Latter-day Saints that was holding on, and pretending that the gift o' working miracles — a gift that has been dormant in the church for nearly eighteen hundred years — was now con- ferred on them ; and ye may depend that I'm like a hen at a barn door, if ever ye hae seen her at wark there ; she scrapes awa the caff, hut mak's a hard dab at the pickle. So, when the preacher was done, I steps for\Yard and says to him, ]\Ian, I'm glad that I happened to be here this morning. I may noo throw my stilts against the railings o' the Jail, for I'U hae nae farther use for them. See ! there's a leg o' mine, that has been an encumbrance to me for fifty-six years ! just set to and mak it like its neighbour." " Come up tr my lodgings in the Ton- tine Close," said he, " and I'll speak /o you." " Na, na ! said I, I'll gang into nane o' your closes — do your wark here in the open air o' heaven — gin your gift be o' the right sort ye can cure anywhere — on the roadside, in the street, or the market place: Noo set too ! time's precious ! there's the job ! just do't and you'll soon get plenty o' followers ; the half o' Gla.sgow will be at your heels before the morning." A SCANTY VOCABULARY. / A IIiGiTLANR witness was giving his evidence at a certain criminal assi/e, and appeared to give his answers with great LAIRD OF LOGAN. 495 reluctance, evidently wishing the Court to believe him more ignorant of the English language than he actually was; he underwent, in consequence, a very sharp cross-questioning from the presiding Judge. His Lordship had occasion to retire for a little, when Donald, who wished to retire also from the witness-)jox, said to the advocate, " Will you. Sir, just say to him, when he comes back, not to ask no more questions at rae, for my English is all done ?" HIGHLAND IMPOSSIBILITIES. Two tourists were passing through a very picturesque scene in our Scottish Highlands, and paused to make inquiry about the locality at an old Highlander, who was engaged in sucking the spirit of the exotic weed through a two and half inch stump of clay. He answered to the queries put in half sentences of broken English between each draught, which was as intelligible to the Cockneys as Arabic. They, thinking that his replies were made in Gaelic, requested of him to make his answers in English ; Donald taking the pipe out of his mouth, somewhat in temper, replied, " It's impossible. Sir, to speak English and smoke at the same time !" PDNISHMENT SUPPLEMENTED. It is not unusual for hardened culprits, on receiving sentence, even after the most solemn admonition from the Judge, to ex- pose their stereotyped depravity by insulting language ad- dressed to the Court, in affected defiance of the law, to gain the applause of their former associates in crime, who are commonly watching their conduct in the galleries of the Court. Sometime ago in the Glasgow Circuit, Lord Cockburn, having at the close of an affecting address to a pert-looking fellow, sentenced him to seven years' transportation, the latter with the coolest impudence exclaimed, " Thank you, my Lord ;" and looking about where some of his former cronies were, added with a decisive toss of his head, " That's a' ye can do, man." Lord 49G LAIRD OF LOGAN. Cockburn, in the most placid manner, said to him, " You're very welcome, my man ! and just let me tell you, that if in addition ye want a week's bread and water; for saying a word more, you'll get it." Not another word to his Lordship escaped the fellow,— he slunk quietly off to prison, amidst the laughter and derision of all present. A HIGHLAND SQUIB. Mk Carkick, when traveUing in the Highlands, was rather Wdy in his attire, and used to amuse himself at the expense of the Celts, by turning their awkward expressions, habits, and dress into humorous burlesque, but always in such good temper as not to provoke the ire— easily done, sometimes— of the Scottish moan- taineers. One of these attempted to retaliate on Mr Carrick, who was rather morose and peevish, and threatened to leave before his usual time, because business was bad in the Clachan, and a difficulty in procuring settlements ; Donald tried his hand at a squib. " Handle, spandie, dandie Johnnie! Come to the country searching money— When did he found, he couldna get nonn. Then face about ric.ht, say dandie John I" A HIGHLAND CERTIFICATE. " It's very much against you, Shames, the bad reports they'll talk about you, 'deed is it; and I just told some of them that call themselves frieu's, that was making an abuse of you, that I never saw anything about you but decency; indeed, said I, very little of that same either." A I'ASSING INFERENCE. All our steam-boat travellers recollect very well of old Mr M'Kiiilay, the captain of the Dumbarton boat, which plied betwhxt Glasgow and that ancient burgh. Captain M'Kinlay had been a carrier in his early days, and many a time have we LAIUD OF LOGAN. 4<<7 had a good laugh at the worthy man calling out, " Won, won !" when his steamer was shooting rather a-head at port. Like all steam-boat captains, he was extremely partial to his own vessel, and to disparage the merits of " The Dumbarton " was not the very best way to gain the esteem of her commander. While coming up the river one day, a passenger kept annoying him by hinting that a rival boiit, coming up behind, was gaining fast on ''Tlie Dumbarton." The captain was dogged, made no reply, and never even looked about. At length the other vessel shot a-head, and his attention being again called to this disagreea- ble fact, he exclaimed with hasty wrath, " Nae wonder 1 naa wonder ! the tide's wi' her." A PROMPT DKLITERT. A WOMAN, with a basket full of eggs, was favoured with a drive in one of the open empty carriages on the Newtylo line. By some mistake the carriage in which the poor female was, got separated from the others, and proceeding at a great speed down the inclined plane to the terminus, came slap against a carriage standing on the line. The collision pitched the unfortunate dealer quite out of the carriage amongst a parcel of soft goods, which were fortunately lying there for the purpose of being transmitted to a neighbouring town. A number of persons immediately crowded about her to see whether she was hurt. To repeated inquiries she exclaimed, " There's naething wraiig — dinna ye aye whummle us out this way ?" LUCKIE NANSE NOnRIE. Portrait of a Dame whofdlin the Midden looking at the Moon. LocKiii Nanse NoRKiE was puir as a kiik-mouse, Little to look to, but want, or the wark-house, Humble her bidin', and hamely her breedin, Clootit and scant was the haill o' her cleedin ; But Lnckie was wily, and Luckie was war'Iy, She ettied to deck in a wealthy auld carlio ; 2 K 498 LAIRD OF LOGAN. The Laird o' some land ayont Elgin o' Moray, Wi' mair ge?x than gumption— and did it— Nanse Ivorrie. Weel beuket and bnck'lt she cam' by her marriage To sit in a sofa and hurl in a carriage ; Sair, sair, she socht to get giit wi' the gentrie ; Luckie was gloom'd on, sae quat her ain kintrie, Awa south about went to be residenter, To be big amang sma' folk, whaur naebody kent her. Sow-lugs makna silk-purses— truth trite and hoary, Nor walth mak' a leddy o' Luckie Nanse Norrie. She had lackeys in livery to 'tend to her callin', She'd servants o' a' kin's, but weet nurse in her dwallii/. Now woman grown wife looks for mair than a marrow, For feckless the quiver without'n ae arrow ; And honour'd's the briest to the barnie-lip teemin', Wi' what tak's awa the reproach amang women. The Laird had nae heir, and his pow now was hoary — He was childish— and childless was Luckie Nanse Norrie. She cut auld frieo's for strangers— to see them 'twas shamefi.', How they'd cringe for a crumb — kiss her fit for a wamefu' ; For tho' she took care o' her cash, to the cuppers She crannn'd them wi' dainty het dinners and suppers. But och siccan kyte-hungry frien's ! — the deil speed them ! — Will fawn to the fiice and back- bite them wha feed them ; Get drunk like a Lord, wi' the Laird in his glory, And laugh in their sleeves at piiir Luckie Nanse Norrie. Luckie, tho' walthy, was siccar and selfish, Mean «8 a muc-worm, close as a shell-fish ; Drivin' hard bargains, for cash wi' the needy, 0' gifts come frae wham they may, grippy and greedy, Even frae folks wlia were scarce worth the price o' a snees-hin', And aye foun' that the fat sow'b hind quarter's maist crcesh onj Gif she e'er did sma' kindness, we a' heard the story. For she tootit her ain trumpit, Luckie Nanse Norrie. LAIUD OF LOGAN. 499 Tlic bachcls forgot in the slipper o' sutin, And sliunks mair at ease in the saft-cusbioned phaetcu And cordial companions of opposite gender, \Vi' consciences tcugh, if wi' characters tender. And broicen-down gentles on broken-up incomes, And nac over nice now in what way the tin comes; Dut tell't na in Gath, for a breath o' the story Wad dim her gentility, Luckie Nanse Norrie. dinna envy her, thou fair peasant maiden, Tho' thy fare be but scant, thy frock but coarse plaiden ; Tak' the lad that your ee likes, your heart's secret idol, Tho' a shake-down o' peas strae, the bed o' your bridal. Tho' vice feast in state, in fine laces and linen, Wciir the cloak o' thy wark, cat the cake o' thy v/innin', And lilt at thy wheel o'er this sang that's nae story : Tak the cap if it fit you wcel I — Luckie Nanse Norrie. John I:.:laii. A STREET ORATION — HAVVKIE INTEULOCCTOR, WITH INTIiRULPTIONS FROM TUE CROWD. Croakhuj Earritone (Scotlicx- Barrow-tone) of Voice* "A-iiey! bide a wee, firien's, and dinna hurry awa hame till ye hear what I hae gotten to tell ye ; do you think that I cam' out at this time o' uicht to cry to the stane wa's o' the lirig'-gate o' Glasgow for naething, or for onything else than for the public guid ? — wearing my constitution down to mgs, lik» tho claes on my ain carcase, without seeking a pension frae her Majesty ; though mony a poor beg(;ar wi' a star o'er his breast, has gotten ane flir less deserving o't." (Voice from the crotcd) — " Ilawkie, ye should Lae been sent * This piece is taken from tlie page of a companion and cotcni- porary of the Laird, Wuistiicuinkie. We always tliouglit it too long for any speaker to interject in a song ; it is hoped that it may not ba out of place here. 500 LAIRD OF LOGAX. to Parliament, to croak there like some ither parliamentary puddocks till your throat were cleared." (^Replij) — " Tak aff your hat when ye speak to a gentleman — it's no the fashion in this kintra to put hats on cabbage stocks — man ! a haggis would loup its lane for fricht afore ye — ye'll be a king whaur a horn- spoon is the emblem of authority i" (Resumes) — " Here ye hae the history of a notorious beggar, the full and paJticular account of his birth and parentage— at least on the mither's side. " This heir to the wallets, was born in the byre of a kintra f;\rmer, an' just in the crib afore the kye, his first welcome to the world was from the nose of honest Hawkie." (^From the crowd) — " Was this a sister of your's, Hawkie ?" (Answer) — " Whatna kail yard cam' ye out o'? that's your brither aside ye, is't? you're a seemly pair, as the cow said to her cloots." (Con- tinues) — " It ne'er could be precisely ascertained the hour o' this beggar's bh'th, though the parish records hae been riddled to get at the fact. I maun also teU ye, for I dinua hke to impose on my customers, that there is great doubt about the day o' the month, an' even about the mcath itsel' ; but that lie was born, hasna been disputed, though it might hae been, an' if it had, we hae an account o' his life and death, to convince tlio gainsayers. As to whether he was a seven months' bairn, or a nine months' bairn — the houdie has gi'en nae ither deliverance, than that he was his father's bairn, and what her profession required her to do; b^it the public voice is strongly inclined to favour the opinion, that he cam' hame at full time, as he arrived sooner at the years o' discretion thim usual ; an' if ye dinna ken the period when a beggar's bairn conies to his estate duly qualified, I'll tell you — it's when he ceases to distinguish between ither folk's property and his ain." (From the crowd) — " \\'hat a poor stock ye maun hae ; ye hae been yelling about that beggar till the story is as bare as your ain elbows." (^Retort) — " Ilech, man, but your witty — when ye set out on the tramp, Jinna come to me for a certificate, for I really cou'dua recom- mend ye, ye havena brains for a beggar, and our funds are no in a condition to gi'e ouy pensions frao the now." (Continued) — " Yc hae an account o' the education, which he received rid- LAIRD OF LOGAN. 501 ing across the meal pock ; and the lair that he learn't aff the loofs o' his luither, which was a' the school craft he e'er received ; but sic a proficient did he himsel' grow ia loof lair, that like a' weel trained bairns, he tried his bauds on the haflits o' his auld mither in turn, and gi^d her sic thunderin' lessons, that she gied up her breath and business in begging, at the same time, to her hopeful son and successor." (Voice from the crowd) — " Ye sliould hae keepit a school amang beggai's, and hae taen your stilt for the taws." (Retort) — " Oh, man, I would like ither materials to work wi' than the like o' you for a scholar ; it's ill to bring out what's no in ; a leech would as soon tak' blood out o' my stilt, as bring ony mair out o' j'ou than what the spoon put in." (Resumes) — " Ye hae an account of liis progress in life, after he began business on his ain account, and wliat a skilful tradesman he turned out to be— he could ' lay on the cadge'* better than ony walleteer that e'er coost a pock o'er his shouther. " Ye hae an account o' his last illness and death — for beggars dee as weel as ither folk, though seldom through a surfeit; ye hae also a copy of his last AVill and Testament, bequeathing his fortune to be drunk at his dredgy — the best action he ever did in his life, and which male's his memory a standing toast at a' beggars' carousals, when they hae onything to drink it wi' ; and really, you'll allow me to remark, if we had twa or three mae public-spirited beggars in our day, wha would do the like, the trade might yet be preserved in the country — for it has been threatening to leave us in baith Scotland and England, in con- sequence of the opening up of the trade wi' Ireland ; and the prices hae been broken ever since ; we hae a' this to contend wi' to preserve the pocks frae perishing, for the sake o' our ciiildrcn." ( Voice Jrom the crowd) — " Och, Willie, is it your own self that I'm hearin' this morning ? and how did ye get home last night, after drinking till the daylight wakened ye ? troth yo did not know your own crutch from a cow's tail." (Retort) — " Oh, man, Paddie, it's naething new to me to be • Skilful address in begging. — Vict, of Buckish Slang, 502 LAIRD OF LOGAN. drank, but it's a great rarity to you — uo for want o' ■will, but the bawbees. What way cam' ye here, Paddie ? for ye had naething to pay for your passage ; and your claes are no worth the thread and buttons that baud them thegither ; — gin I had a crown for every road that your trotters could get into your trowsers by, it would be a fortune to me." " Take mc over, said you, to your ould croak-in-tlie-bog ; — I wish I had my body across agin, out of this starvation coul' country, for there's noth- ing but earth and stones for a poor man to feed on ; and in my own country, I'll have the potatoe for the lift- ing." " Hech, man, — but the police keeps ye in order — and ye thought when ye cam' o'er, to live by lifting? man ! aff wi' ye to your bogs — there's nae place like liame for ye, as the Deil said when he found himsel' in the Court o' Session." " Ye hae an account o' this beggar's burial, and his dredgy." (Boy's voice from ike crowd) — " Was ye there, Hawkie? surely — if the stilt could baud ye up !" " Och, sirs, are ye out already — you're afore your time — you should hae staid a wee langer in the nest till ye had gotten the feathers on ye, ajid then ye would hae been a goose worth the looking at." (Continues) — " Sic a dredgy as this beggar had wad mak' our Lords o' Session lick their lips to hear tell o' — thae gentry come down amang us like as mony pouther-monkeys — with their heads dipped in flour pocks, to gie them the appearance o' what neither the school, or experience in the world could teach them ; — gin IIangy would gie them a dip through histrap door, and ding thedustafftheir wigs — there's no a beggar frae John O'Groat's to the IMull o' Gallo- way, that wadna gie his stilts to help to mak' a bonfire on the occasion. " Ye hae the order o' the procession at the burial — it's the rank in the procession that entitles to tak' precedence at a beg- gar's burial — ye never hear tell o' blood relations claiming their right to be nearest to the beggar's banes ; we'll be thinking the world is on its last legs, and likely to throw aff its wallets too, when sic an event occurs." (Interrupted)— " Your stilt would, nae doubt, be stumpin' at the head o' them a'." (Reply)— " St^n' aside, lada! I'm just LAIKD OF LOGAN. 503 w inliu' to see if he has cloots on his trotters, for horns are sae c Jinmon, now-a-days, amang the gentry o' the blood, whaur we should look for an example, that they hae ceased to distinguish the class that nature intended thcui for." (Goes on)—" First in order were Tinklers, the heggars' cavalry, wha being in constant consultation with the gentry of the lang-lugs, hae some pre- tensions to wisdom ; next Swindlers, wha raak' the best bar- gains they can wi' their customers, without pretondin' to hae ony authority for doin't — no like some o' our black-coats wha mak' a pretence of consulting authority, but it is only on ae side — the advice they aye get is, ' The scene is more extensive for your eminent talents to labour in and so gang ! '—but the call would never be heard, if there wasna a siller tinkle iu't— they flit to a field that bears a better crap o' the irozons— our brethren of the pock a' follow this example ; they never stay lang whaur there's naething cither to get or to tak',— but I'm forgetting mysel';— at their heels were Pickpockets, who just tak' the hangman's helter wi' them, and gang the length o' their tetliet — for Ilangy aye keeps the tether-stick in his ain hand. Next, Chain-drappeis--thc jewellers in the camp, wha arc ready to sell cheap, or half the profits wi' everybody they meet, but wha are like many o' our public instructors — aye get mair than they gie— then Prick-the-loops, wha are sae familiar wi' the Hang- man's loop, that they've turned the idea into business, and set up wi' their garter— which they could easily spare, as they hae ieldom ony stockings to tie on : by this simple expedient, they make large profits on sma' capital : Next, Chartered- beggars or Blue-gowns — wha get a license frae the authorities to cheat and lie over the whole country. Next, the hale clanjamfrey o' Vagrants— for they're a' but beggars' bairns the best o' them — Randies, Thieves, Big-beggars and Wee-beggars, Bane-gatherers and Rowley-powleys— Criers o' Hanging speeches — wha, gene- rally, should hae been the subject o' their ain story — some wi' weaus— a' wi' wallets, broken backs, half arms, and nac arms; some only wi' half an ee— ithers wi' mae een than nature gied them— and that is an ee after everything that they can mak' their ain: snub-noses, cock-noses, slit-noses, and half-noses; 501 LAIliD OF LOGAN. Roman-noses, lang noses — some o' tliem like a cliuckie-stane ; ithers like a jarganell-pcar ; hawk-noses and goose-noses ; and mind ye, I dinna find fault with the last kind, for nature does naething in vain, and put it there to suit the head : but what- ever the size and description o' the neb, they could a' talc' their pick ; for the hale concern, man and mither's son, had mouths, and whaur teeth were wanting, the defect was mair than made up by desperate willin' jaw-breakers. " Some were lame, though their limbs were like ither folks; there are mae stilts made than there are lame folk for, for I maun tell ye some gang a-begging and forget their stilts and hae to gang back for them, afore they can come ony speed ; ithers had nae legs to be lame wi' ; a few like mysel' had only ae guid ane resembling the goose in a frosty morning, but made up the loss by the beggar's locomotive, a stilt, which a poor goose canna handle wi' advantage. ''The rear o' this pock procession was closed by bands o' sweeps, wha are ready for a' handlings, whaur there's onything to do for the teeth ; an' they hae the advantage o' us, for they're aye in Court-dress, and like honest Colly, dinna need to change their clacs. " In the hame-coming there was a scramble, wha should be soonest at the feast, and a quarrel, an' you'll maybe be surprised that there was but ae quarrel, but I maun tell you, that they were a' engaged in't, an' maist o' them kentna what they were getting their croons cloored for, but just to be neighbour-like. The cracking o' stilts, the yelly-hooings o' wives and weans, and the clatter o' tinklers' wives, wad hae ca'ni'd the sea in the Bay of Biscay. Do ye ken the distance at which a beggar fights his duel? — it's just stilt-length, or nearer, if his enemy is n« sac weel armed as himsel'. "Ye hae a return o' the killed and wounded— four blind l:ddlcrs with thcu- noses broken — four tinklers' wives with their tongues split, an' if they had kcepit them within their teeth, as a' wives' tongues should be, they would have been safe — there's nae souder or salve that can cure an ill tongue — five croons crackit on the miUuk—si:iteoii torn lu^'s — four- LAIRD OF LOGAN. 505 and-twenty noses laid down — four left hands with the thumb bitten aff — ten mouths made mill doors o' — four dizen stilts wanting the shouther piece — twenty made down for the use of the family ; in ither words, broken in twa ; an' they're usefu', for we have a' sizes o' beggars. After a' this, the grand dredgy, — but I havena time to tell you about it the nicht ; but ye see what handlings beggars would hac if the public would bo liberal. " Buy this book : if ye hae nae bawbees I'll len' ye, for I'm no caring about siller. I hae perish'd the pack already, an' I am gaun to tak' my stilt the mom's morning, and let the credi- tors tak' what they can get." DEFECT IN A HEGGAR'S ATTIRE. Mrs I\KID, matron of the Town's Hospital, was very kind to Ilawkie, which he always most gratefully acknowledged. "When be entered the hospital, his habiliments usually required a re- pair, something hke the Highlander's gun — new stock, lock, and barrel. Hawkie remarked to ]\Irs Reid, " There's only ae foolish thmg I ever saw ye do, Mrs Reid, and that was to gie me a coat without pouches,— ye micht hae thocht that a coat without pouches was ill-suiled for a beggar." HAWKIE ON SUPPLY AND DEMAND. Hawkie wrote a history of his life while in the Town's Hospital, daring his first winter's residence. The book con- taining this history is as thick as a-three quire foolscap folio, closely written on both sides, in very fair caligraphy, though the orthography is not according to Johnson. This MS. is in the possession of Mr David Robertson, for whom it was written. Many characteristic notes of gratitude to Mr R. for supplies of tobacco are preserved with the MS. One of these notes is rather graphic. Mr R. had requested him to narrate some of bis rencontres with his audiences in the street, and also to give 50G LAIRD OF LOGAN. a glossary of the cant terms introduced into his narrative. Hawkie says — " I received your card with the tobacco, for whicli I will con- sider myself ever your debtor. You request a glossary on the cant. Were a glossary not given, the cant would be a dead language, and could I not define it, I would prove myself an im- postor on you, which is averse to my natural principles, however corrupted. As to what takes place between me and my con- gi-egation on the street, I am in general drunk when they happen, and I do not commit them to memory." In a sorry plight, Hawkie, in a petition far supplies addressed to Mr Robertson, thus states his case : " My position at present consists of an unsteady hand, a geislnd throat, a dry heart, and an empty pipe. Ye ken I was always unwilling to tell the public of iny poverty, and if you would be so good as stnother the report with a morsel of tobacco, you rhiimble and afflicted petitioner, as iu duty bound, shall ever pray." GOLDEN OPINIONS. • We have seldom either seen or heard of a chimncy-swccpcf carrying a snufl'-box. Whether this circumstance arises from snufT-taking being too dirty a habit for the sweep, or the sweep being too dirty for the habit, is a question of such an extremely dchcate nature, that it, perhaps, might offend a number of our readers, were we to enter too minutely into all its specialities. We shall, therefore, in humble imitation of our legislative assem- blins, when placed in situations equally trying, simply move " that the hill be read this day six months." But whether chimney-sweeps think themselves above or below carrying a snuff-box, there arc no scarcity of people in all ranks of society, who ncitlier think themselves tiie one nor the other. Go where you will, or into what company you please, j'ou will find some person or other ever ready to poke his box into your hand ; and as these boxes are for the most part rather elegant speci- mens of what can be done in the silver waj', and, in general, bear a tasteful inscription, setting forth the virtues, rare endow- ments, and high mental attainments of the very condescending, LAIRD OF LOGAN. 507 and gifted personage who offers you a pineb, it would be excessively rude, even though you are not partial to a pinch, to dccliuo going through the formality of snuff-taking, and reading the interesting inscription on the lid. In this age of high mental cultivation, when all the virtues which adorn our nature spring up along the putlis of every -day life, with a luxuriance that can only be compared to plants in a hot-house, and with a profusion that niiglit almost out-number the very commonest things in nature, who will say that we have not ad- vanced in the scale of improvement far beyond anything which former ages can lay claim to? If this is doubted, we can at once triumphantly refer the presumptuous doubter to our snuff-takers. Let him go into any company where a dozen people are collected, and we could almost risk a discount of 3d per shilling — no slight deduction for one that has to handle a feather — and ten to one but be will find six out of the dozen furnished witli snuff-boxes, having engraved upon them that wliich would have made many of the sages of antiquity grow pale with envy. In a company where we lately had the good fortune to be, eight gentlemen were present; and out of these eight, tlicre were four who produced these silver testimonials of character ; one was given for the holder's " unrivalled skill in his profession — "upright conduct" and "gentlemanly man- ners;" another was for being "an ornament tn society" — "a truly amiable man" — and "possessing every virtue that went to form tha character of a gentleman ;" another was "a mark of respect" from a few friends, on account of tlicir friend being "a true friend— a man of unimpeachable integrity — an affectionate husband — and an exemplary father." The last was, for being " a man ol universal benevolence, inflexible integi'ity, high honourable feel- ings, and an exquisite performer on the violin." Among these pinks of perfection, an interchange of rapee soon took place, followed by a deferential bow from the parties, according to the impression which the inscriptions on the boxes had made on each other. A sort of freemasonry seemed to be instantaneously established among them, and they evidently appeared to regard themselves as men of certified respectability. A nice obser- ver could easily see the line that was drawn between the 508 LAIRD OF LOGAN. certified and uncertified members of the party ; if, for instance, one of tbe latter was pressing one of tlie former too hard in argu- ment, the former would very civilly propose to exchange pinches with him, which, if the other attempted to do by oflTering an uninscribed box, he was instantly made sensible of his inferiority bj' the other holding out his patent of nobihty, or rather, nota- bility, if we may so speak, for inspection. TAKING SECURITY FROM A JDDGE. About fifty years ago (1852) the Circuit Court of Justiciary, when in Glasgow, met in a hall, which was entered by the double stately stair in front of the old prison at the east end of Trongate, and west side of High Street, nearly behind the Cross Steeple, which last is the only part of the old structure yet remaining. Being thus in the very centre of the city in those days, the pro- sessions of the Judges from the Black Bull Inn, in what then was called the Westergate to the Court Hall, created an extraor- dinary stir and sensation among all classes of the citizens, and the crowds who came from all quarters, and from the country on the market days, rendered the streets in that neighbourhood impassable, so that access to the court-rooms for strangers was next to impossible for some time after the court and its atten- dants had got in, and a matter of serious difficulty after the business within had commenced. About that time, the number of criminal eases for trial was few, but the proceedings in the court seemed by their tardiness to require a much longer extent of time. It was, and still is, the rule for those who have been newly admitted advocates in Scotland, to volunteer their services in tiie defence of such persons as being indicted for trial at the circuits, may be unable to pay for it. On the present occasion, Mr D. ]\I'F , who had for a considerable period previously conducted business as an agent in Glasgow, and had, after the usual preparatory studies, passed advocate, made his first appear- ance as an advocate for the poor ; Lord CuUen was the judge, and Mr D. B , late Lord Justice General, was advocate-depute LAIKD OF LOGAN. 509 and public-prosecutor; a goodly army of otlicr counsel sat around a long table in front of the Judge, who occupied an elevated red-cushioned seat and desk at the upper end of the hall, while in a dock or oblong square box, at the other or lower end, appeared a stout young fellow, said to be the prisoner at the bar, flanked by an officer on each side of him, and on whom, the instant he became visible, every eye of the court, though crowded to suffocation, became fixed. The macer of court iiav- ing called and obtained silence, the prisoner's or panel's name and the charge against him were announced by the c'erk's reading them aloud; and it appeared that the prisoner was an Irish labourer, accused of having stolen a silver watch from a fellow- lodger, who happened to be a Scotchman. On being asked,— the prisoner, as directed by his counsel, pled not guilty, and the evidence for the crown was therefore required. Among other witnesses adduced for the prosecution, was the man whose watch had been stolen, — John Allan, a sawyer at Port-Dundas. He was a dull, heavy-looking man above six feet high, of large size and dimensions; and though strong and powerful, seemed bent and overwhelmed, on first appear- ing at the witness's station, and when directed to hold up his right hand and take the oath, he shook like an aspen leaf, to the evident amusement of the accused, who siit coolly chuckling at John's embarrassment. Lord C. evidently noticed his trepidation, and after administer- ing the oath in an easy conciliating manner, said to the witness, " John, as you seem not to have been in a court before, I think right to tell you that there are a few simple questions which I have to ask all witnesses, and which, I trust, you'll take your tune and answer truly," and he then said to the witness — " John, do you know the panel at the bar?" John, who stood gaping, and his hand still up, roniained silent ; but being told to take down his hand and answer the question, be said, or groaned out, " Ou aye." Lord C. " Do you bear any metlice to the panel ?" Whether John understood what was meant by mah'ce may 510 LAIUD OF LOGAN. be doubtful ; but being urged to answer, be stared like a be- wildered body, and agaiu groaned out, " Ou aye." Amid some laugbter wbich ensiled, but was soon put down, the panel's counsel commenced objecting to John's evidence being received against the panel ; but Lord C. stopt him, saying, be thought that the witness might not have understood the meaning of the question, on which accowmt he would put it of new ; and on addressing the witness, he said — Lord C. " John, don't be afraid ; take time, and be sure you understand my question, — do you bear any malice or ill-will to the panel ?" laying a strong emphasis on the words, malice and ill-will, and again urging him to speak the truth. John seemed still puzzled, but tardily groaned out, " Ou aye." The prisoner's counsel now got up and was in great spirits, insisting on the objection being fatal to the admission of John's evidence, and on its being, in the ch-cumstances, equivalent to the panel's acquittal ; when Lord C. insisted on getting an explanation from the witness, of what be meant the court and the jury to understand, and addressing the witness, he said — " John, you have deponed that you bear malice or ill-will to the panel, let us understand for what cause you do so." John here, after a vigorous snuff from a box he held ; to the surprise of all present, said — " How could / li/ce (looking at the panel) a man that sleal't mi/ wa-atch f" Tl.e laughter at this answer became loud and general, but was stopt, and his Lordship then said — " Well, John, have you no ill-will or malice at the panel that would lead you to swear falsely to injure him." On hearing this, John witli great naivette said, " I divna need;" and staring at the panel, as if to get him to speak, lie added, " I'm sure, if ye wad speer at him, he wud tell you a' about it." This eclaircissement was followed by bursts of laughing, and ended the objection of malice. Lord C. then addressed the witness — " John, did any one give you anything to come here to-day as a witness ?" LAIRD OF LOGAN. 511 John looked somewhat queer for an instant ; but as before, he drawlingly said, " Ou aye." Ti;c panel's counsel, tliinking to make somctliing out of this, got on the alert. Hereon Lord C. asked, " Well, Jolin, what was given you ?" The witness said it was " a bit o' paper." Ilis Lordship then desired him to show it, and the witness having searched his pockets, produced it ; and to the amusement of the court, and the disappointment of the panel's counsel, it turned out to be the officer's copy citation to him. On tlie motion of the panel's counsel, his Lordship asked if nothing else had been given him ; and John having said, " No," his Lordship asked, — " Have you been pi'omised anything for coming here to-day." John, after a brief pause, slowly said, " Ou aye ;" and being required by Lord C. to state what had been promised him, he seemed somewhat fretted, and said to Lord C, " Ye see, I'm a lawborous man, and I tell't the man wha bid me come here, that I couldna do't without losing my wages ; and then he said I would be paid for comuig." His Lordship good naturedly observed to the witness, that this was quite reasonable, and then said, " Did anybody promise you anything more than that ?" when John, seemingly pleased, said — " No a hait— I didna seek na miiir, atweel." Lord C. now seemed to consider that no further difficulty could occur, and remarking that ho had only one other question, said — " Has any one told or instructed you what you were to say as a witness to-day ?" This simple query was followed by a renewed agitation of the witness — his face reddened and became pale by turns— he trem- bled, and seemed unable to give utterance to something he had to say ; and on being pressed by the Judge to speak out the truth, he, to the surprise of all, groaned out, " Ou aye." The prisoner's .counsel got ehited at this avowal, and insisted that the witness was thereby disqualified, and his testimony made incredible. His lordship was at a loss to account for the answer, and the witness's evident perturbation ; but he mildly interrupted the panel's counsel in a speech he was making on 512 LAIRD OF LOGAX. the subject, by obsemng that before further hearing him, he behoved to learn from the witness what tutoring or instructions had been given him — next, who had given them, etc., etc. Ac- cordingly, during a most profound silence, his Lordship, after repeating his solemn admonition on the witness to tell the whole truth, said — " Well, John, you've sworn that some person told you what to say : let us know what they told you to say." John, iu great distress, and almost unable to speak, said — " Ye see, I was never in a court a' my days ; an' so ye see, they tell't me that whan I spoke to you, I was to boo, and say, ^My Lord,^ whan Ispohe till you; an' IfirC Icanna doHfor the soulo'me." This speech of poor Jolm completely upset the gravity of all present, as the Judge, and even the panel himself, joined the general chorus of laughter which followed it. After it had been stilled. Lord C. asked John, " Is that all they told you to say ?" John answered, " On aye ; they didna need ; I could tell a' the rest mysel'." After this, John's admissibility as a witness being undoubted, his Lordship told John that he might now proceed to tell how his watch had been taken from him ; and this so far acted like a charm on him, that taking a powerful stolum of snuiT, he proceeded — " Weel, ye see, Sir," but instantly halting and saying, " My Lord, I mean ;" the Judge said, "nevermind to say ' My Lord,' John ; just get on without it." On this, John recommenced — " Weel, ye see I'm a lawborous man, and the Eerisher tliere (pointing to the panel) is a lawborous man, too. I sleepit in the same bed wi' him, and he sleepit in the same bed wi' me, ye un- derstaun' ; and I had a watch, but the Eerisher hadna a watch, ye understaun'." " Very well," says his Lordship, "just proceed." " Weel, I was ne'er fond of Eerishers a' my life, and so ye see, when wc gacd to our bed at e'en, I use't to row up my watch and put it carefully in the spung o' my breeks, wi' your leave, yo understaun." During this narrative, it was found very difficult to keep down tlie laughter. LAIRD OF LOGAN. 513 " "Well, John, what next ?" says Lord C. " Ou, I put my breeks and my watch below my bowster when I lay down." " Well, what next, John ?'* says Lord C. "Gin skreigh o' day, next morning, I wanted to ken the hour, and if it was time to get up to our wark. I dldna hear my watch ticking. I got baud o' my breeks, and glaum't to get out my watch, but I couldna find it. I then glaum't for the Eerislier to spccr at him about it ; but he was gone, and the place whaur he was lying, whan I fell asleep, was as cauld's clay, and my watch was awa." " What did you do next, John ?" says Lord C. " Ou," says John, " I bang'd up on my hinderend and I roared." The laughter of all, even the panel, became excessive. After being repressed, his Lordship said, " Well, John, what next?" " Ou, the folk o' the house came in fleeiii', and speirt at me what ail'd me, and if I was dementit ? and I said I was near- lian't, for the Eerisher was afT wi' my watch. We turned up the blankets, the claes, and a' about the house, but fient a bit o' the watch or the Eerisher was to >^e seen." On being asked what was next, Jofin said, that ou consulting, he had been recommended to the thief-catchers of the day — that they had taken down notes of the particulars, and had recom- mended him (John) to have patience. The witness, about this time, seemed rather flat ; and his Lordship, therefore, evidently wished him to get on quicker, by saying,— " Well, John, what did you do next?" To this, John answered with the most placid countenance, — " Ou, what could I do ? I just had patience." The roar of merriment at this, and the solemn manner o( John, was beyond description ; when, as if to hurry on matters, his Lordship said, — " Well, John, would you know your watch again ?" This operated like electricity on the witness, who instantly brightening up, said, " Ou ay." 2l 614 LAIRD OF LOGAN. Here, a good solid lump of an old-fashioned silver watch was handed to the witness by the macer, and Lord C. then asked Lim, — " Is that your watch, John ?" This seemed for a short time to overpower the witness : he grasped it, and looked at it on all sides, as if to see, not only whether it was the same, but as if it had been an animal, and to ascertain whether it was aUve and well. After this dumb show had gone on for a few minutes, to the gi'cat amuse- ment of the court and the audience, Lord C. having got no answer, said, " John, is that your watch?" Still, as if deaf, John was silent, and as if at a loss about something, continued opening up the cases and closing them, pressing the watch first to the one ear and then to the other, till Lord C. at last said aloud, " John, is that not your watch ?'' Thus roused, he at once answered, " Ou aye, 'deed it's my watch ;" and he was without more ado preparing to have it engulfed into his spung, or the fob of his trousers, when Lord C. called out that the watch must be allowed to remain in court. T^i<* appeared to Jolm unjust, and on the macer approaching and saying, " Give me back the watch !" Jolm convulsively held it in his spung, and groaned out, " Na fliith I !" The outbreak of laughter which followed this was tremendous, when his Lordship, on its subsiding said, by way of quieting John's fears, as to the ultimate safety of his watch, and the cer- tainty of its being restored to him, "You know, John, as the watch has to be shown for identification to other witnesses, you can't be allowed to take it away till the trial is ended." John's proposal or stipulation to his Lordship before returning it, was uttered with the most artless and winning simplicity, " Will ye let me stand beside you, then, till ye're done wi't?" not only gained his Lordship's consent, but set the whole auditors into Bomething like convulsions of laughter. Suffice it, in conclusion, to say, thiit Lord C. condcscendmgly got John to stand near the Judge's bench till the trial was finished, and then himself handed John his watch, while the L-ishnian wag found guilty, and sentenced to be transported. LAir>D OF LOGAN. 515 A SECOND READING. Few of our cotemporaries (1852) have forgot the Prince of Scottish Vocalists, John Wilson. We are bold to say that never had our national music a gentleman who better appreciated Scottish melody, or who could with more delicate finish and grace execute the song or ballad of Scotland. The admirable tact and thorough conception of Scottish cha- racter, in all its phases, which distinguished the prelude or preface — be it story, anecdote, or history of the literature and music — which he gave before each piece in the programme, was, if possible, a greater treat than the execution of the piece itself. Mr VMlson was on a visit to America, in 1849, with two of his daughters, and when at Quebec, he went out on a fishing excursion to a lake a few miles distant from that town, where he was seized with Asiatic cholera, and conveyed back to Quebec as speedily as possible. It was supposed that the jolting over the rough road had aggravated his complaint. He died in a few hours after his arrivaL Mr Wilson, before he commenced his public life, which was so successful for many years, led the psalmody in a dissenting church in Edinburgh. He used to tell a story of the tenacity with which many con- gregations or churches, in rural districts, cling to and insist on their precentor, or leader of the music, reading every line of the psalm or hymn given out to be sung. Mr Wilson was on an excursion to the banks of the Clyde with a friend, and stopped, on a Saturday evening, at the manse of the late (1852) Rev. Mr Gardner, minister of the United Presbyterian Church, Old Kilpatrick. It was agreed that Mr Wilson should occupy the precentor's desk on the succeeding S.ibbath, with strict in- structions to read the line. Mr Wilson took his place, and old Mr Gardner gave out the psalm, and prefaced, as use and wont, or more properly lectured on it for a considerable time. Mr Wilson said to himself, and also said to DS, " Surely I cannot be expected to read the line at this portion, seeing that the old man has repeated and repeated and re-repeated line after luie, and 516 LAIRD OF LOGAN. discussed it with such lengthened minuteness;" and therefore took up the first line, and went away with the portion without stopping, save when required to do so by the sense of the pas- sage, or musical pause. An old horny -faced member, sitting under the desk, looked up to him with an expression on his features as if he would have sprung at his throat. At mid-day, when Mr Wilson was making the best of his way to the manse, the implacable liner made up to him — " Sir," said he, his voice quivering with anger, " are ye gaun up yonder in the afternoon?" " I believe that I am." " Weel, sir, ye mauu read the line ; nane o' your Edinburgh tricks here !" A COCKNEY PRINTEU. Mr Wilson got hack from his cockney printer a proof of his programme for correction. One of the songs was the inimitable one of Burns's, " Behind yon hills where Lugar flows." Tha man of types and spaces, and the ei cetera of punctuation, gave a West Indian interpretation ; instead of the river, now classic by its associations, he read, " Behind yon liills where sugar grows." CLERICAL BLISTERING. The late Rev. Mr Stark, of the United Presbyterian Church, Forres, was one ol the most eminent ministers in his day, of tlio church with which he was connected. He was gifted with a fine ear for music, and felt greatly annoyed at the interruptions to sacred melody which must always take place where reading the line is practised, Mr Stark was preaching one Sabbath in a church where this repetition was insisted on by a few leading bigots, — and where is llie church in which there are not too many such ? Mr Stark told the precentor to omit doing it for the first psalm, and if oflence were taken, "I'll take blame for it," said he, "and make an apology." The leader, as instructed, sung the entire portion of the psalm given out, without stopping. The precentor had not proceeded above a few lines, when I.AIKU OK LOU AN. 517 these wortliies shut their bibles with a slap, and looked unutter- able things at the poor precentor. Mr Stark noticed that offence had been taken, and, in giving out the following portion, he made the promised apolngy. " My brethren," said he, " the practice of reading the line by the leader of our sacred mutic originated in distant times, when few, comparatively, of our members could read. It is supposed now that every member in our church can read, and the practice of this unnecessary repetition has generally been discontinued. I observe that it is necessary that it should still be con- tinued here ; and I am sorry that I desired your precentor to omit reading in the opening portion of psalmody ; and if blame is attributable, it is to me." " Sir," said one of the repeaters, " ye hae mista'en our meaning." POLITICAL PROFESSION. Tub Rev. Walter Dunlop was wivited on for his support by the Cimservative gentleman who had represented the Dum- fries boroughs before the passing of the Reform Bill. " I have taken," said the Tory supporter of things as they are, " the liberty of waiting on you, Mr Dunlop, aud hope to have your influence at the ensuing election." " Mine, sir ! you're of anither school o' politics than I was brought up in. I dinna see, sir, how you can expect my sup- port ; you aye gaed your length wi' your auld friends the Tories." " Oh, but, Mr Dunlop, we are open to new views ; times change, and our institutions must bo accommodated to the times. I am a Reformer as well as yourself, Mr Dunlop; it is the order of the day." "Ay, ny, friend! is that the way wi' you ? I doubt you're rather a conformer than a reformer," said Mr Dunlop, turning away from the politic professor of reform. CLERICAL ARREST. Our clergymen, of all sects and parties, are not so fully alive OS they should be to the very injurious effects that protracted 518 LAIRD OF LOGAN. religious services have on all Christians, especially "long prayers," reprobated by our Lord himself. The aged are unable to bear them, and the young ai-e ever ready to consider them " bur- densome and grievous." The flood of detail so charac- teristic of the opening prayer in the morning's service, is too apt to give, what poor human nature has no need to deepen, a disrelish for the ordinances of religion. "VVe have heard it said, and there is both serious truth and wit in the remark — " That some ministers pray then- people into the spirit of prayer, and then pray them out of it." The late Professor Lawson, of the Secession Church, used to caution his students against long prayers, except in their closets. " My young friends," said he, " I do not know that Satan ever practised any device that has been so successful in discouraging people, but the young especially, from attending God's house, as long prayers." Mr Dunlop was engaged on the occasion of a communion at Monniehive, and it fell to his turn to deliver the evening sermon, which was from a tent in the fields. The evening was drawing on apace, and the shadows beginning to deepen, made those who had to go to a distant home rise and move to go away. " Stop ! stop, frien's ! dinna gang awa ! I'll no keep you aboon a few minutes longer ; for I would rather send you away longing than loathing." TUB BACK EQUAL TO THE BURDEN. A Highland gentleman very extensively engaged in the application of steam power to spinning and weaving, had his works greatly enlarged without adding any additional power to his engine, as he had calculated that what it already had was sufficient for the purpose. His foreman, not gifted abundantly with forethought, came to him one morning after the works were completed, in a state of excitement, stating that the power of the engine had not been thought of. " Pooh, man !" said the owner, " shust tie the warks to the ould jade, and she'll gang awa and not know nothing about it." LAIKD OF LOGAX. 519 POLITICAL PRINCIPLE. " Are ye likely to carry your Highland representative ?" said a Tory elector to one opposed to liiin. "I hope so." " Well, you'll return a man of the Grand Highland principle." " Ay, and wliut is tlie Grand Higlihuid principle? is't different frae our ain principles ?" " Oh, yes." " Well, what is it, then ?" " Just to be as dour on the wrang side as the right." STRONG DIGESTION. One of the " kail sippers" of Fife used to say of his digestive powers — " Never ony thing fashes my stomach ; I helieve it could manage a dead soJjer stuITed wi' bayonets." A GOLDEN BADGE. TuE exciting topic of the day furnished Ilawkie with a themo on which to descant for the purpose of raising the supplies. A good many years ago, when the Chinese were compelled to pay large sums to England as compensation for the expenses of the Chinese war, Ilawkie thus cheered his companions — " Jly friends, every midden mavis (bone gatherer) will now be singing wi' a gold watch at her side." HAWKIE'S PBECAUTIOir. Hawkib was pursuing bis calUng on the street one evening, when a wag, behind hira, pretended to rifle his coat pockets. Ilawkie, with the greatest nonchalance, said, " Fin' awa, friend, I was there afore ye." IIAWKIE AND SIR WALTER SCOTT. Hawi;ie's narratives were always to be taken with a large discount. When challenged as to the truth of his statement, he used to say, " That a guid lie made truth look mair respectable. 520 LAIRD OF LOGAN. What was't ye gied Walter Scott a monument for in George's Square ? Just because he was a guid liar." IRISH INTELLIGENCE. Hawkie had an inveterate hatred to the Irish, and the mer- ciless lash of his satirical tongue, seemed never so much in the element in which it foimd delight, than when flaying the back of poor Paddy. " 'Will ye," said he to a patron, " gie me a newspaper to read to the Paddies in my lodgings? I want to gie them the last news frae Ireland 1" " I have no paper, Hawkie, but some old one out of date." " Just gie't to me ; it will do. I'll read to them what ne'er was written or in print." GETTING OVER A DIFFICtJLTT. A CLERGYMAN who had more mother wit than critical know- ledge of the sacred volume, came, in the course of his exposi- tions, to a passage that he thought saier to leap clean over than attempt to elucidate. " My friends," says the prelector, " this is a dark and difficult passage; the one that follows is clear enough, so we shall just take it up." WANT OF A MARRIAGE REGISTER. " What was the name o' your second wife, Tammas? I was just disputing wi' a friend the ither nicht about it." " JIan, it was — but — that's odd ! Ye mind her name weel eneuch, surely, yoursel' I she was a lassie frae Denny." A SCARCE ARTICLE. We have in the city ofGlasgow(1852)a church officer supe- rior, both morally and intellectually, to most of his class— a good judge of the theology uttered over the cushion on whicli he places the great Text Book and high authority, from whicli tho LAI It U Ul« LOGAN. 621 expositor draws his truths, and proofs in support and illustration of them. James, for such is his name, was asked by some of the office-bearers in a sister church, if he knew where they could get a good beadle, as they were in want of one. "Weel, gen- tlemen," replied James, " you've asked me for a thing that can scarcely be had. If it were a bit minister, or twa or three elder bodies, I could direct you at ance; but whaur to get a decent beadle is mair than I ken." ALWAYS IN UI8 PLACE. There are a set of itching-eared members connected with every church, and it is not a breach of charity to charge them as severely as the Apostle did in his times. If their minister is not at home, and you wish to find them, their own church is not the place to go to ; they are away to worship at the shrine of the clerical idol of the day. A groat deal of private inquiry is made through the week at parties who are likely to know their minister's movements. James, our shrewd officer already named, when inquired at by these flighty gentiy, staved off their queries. " It's ill for me to ken a' the minister is doing or means to do. Come ye to your seat; I'll be in the pulpit mysel' as usual." CLOSE SHAVING. On an occasion of the minister's absence, a brother minister from a considerable distance kindly agreed to take the services of the day. James assisted in adjusting the gown on the minis- ter. " I'm afraid my hair," said he, " which is rather long, would need to be smoothed a little." " Ye'U be married, sir, I suppose ?" remarked the assistant. " Oh, yes !" " Weel, I thocht, sir, your wife would hae keepit your hair short for you." A VERY REASONABLE PETITION. A DESERVEDLY-POPDLAR minister, in his day, of the Seceding Church in Scotland", was often called on, as at this day, to take 522 LAIRD OF LOGAN, services on public occasions, so as to collect larger audiences, and thus augment the collections made, or to make a popular impres- sion on the minds of tlie members of the church on the exciting topic of the times. His own pulpit had, of course, to be occu- pied by strangers. The minister was one day riding on to meet with his co-presbyters, when he cama up with two of his own elders going in the same du-ection. ■' Whaur awa', friends, this day?" "We're gaun up to the presbytery hke yourscl', sir." " Ay ! what may be taking you up there, if it be a fair question ? for I think there's nae matter frae our session to come before them." " 'Deed, sir, to be pluin wi' you, we are just gaun up to petition for a hearing o' our ain minister !" A CHOKE-DAMP. " What place o' worship does James Dawson gang to now ? — he's passing yonder on the ither side of the road," said a worthy old men.ber of the church to a companion, who were journeying together to the church. " Really, man, I dinna ken," was the reply. " I fear he has nae kirk in his ee. He ance belanged to tlie Burgher party ; but when the question of New Light and AulJ Light views got in amang them, James's hclit was blawn out atween them." A LITTLE TOO SOON. The Rev. Mr Comrio, minister of the United Presbyterian Church of Pennycuik. who died within the last few years (1852,) was a most amiable Christian minister, and whose memory is most affectionately cherished by his co-presbyters and all who had the pleasure of his personal acquaintance. Many anecdotes aro related of his quaint sayings, and the innocent, humorous turn that distinguished his conversation in church courts. Mr Comrie's voice was rather feeble, and thoso whose ears were not acute lost much of what he said. He was, on the occa- sion of a communion, assisting a brother in the extra labours LAIRD OF LOGAN. 523 required at such times ; ho had read a portion of the sacred volume, engaged in the solemn exercise of prayer, and proceeded to read his text. When he had read the passage and about to commence, an oldish man in tlie gallery called out, " Speak out, sir; we dinna hear ye 1" "Will ye," replied the minister, " let me alane till I bpp;in ?" REVISING THE CLASSICS. Mr CosiRlB was replying to a speech of one of his brethren in the presbytery, who had indulged very Uberally in Latin quotations, sounding out, every now and then, its sonorous ca- dences with pompous display, when Mr C, iu his own humorous style, whether in Scotch or English, as best suited his idea, sat down, he suddenly resumed a standing posture, " But, by the bye, Mr Moderator, I have forgot my Latin — Ilic hac hoc." PETITION FOR THE PREMIER. Andrew M'Lay, a person of weak intellect, who resided in the village of Balfron, whose glimmerings of reason and intellect are now, for a time, obscured in the grave, was a constant attender at church, but whose behaviour very generally disturbed the solemnity of the services. Whatever occurred to him was uttered audibly, or, if unarticulated, his meaning was exhibited in pantomime. At the time when Sir Robert Peel was in power, and when the Whig party appeared too powerful for him, Andrew was present on a Sabbath evening, and when the services of the occasion were just about to be closed by prayer, Andrew cried out, " Remember in prayer Sir Robert Peel in great distress I'' the riqbx op cirizENsnir. A CLERGYMAN in Glasgow, who had married the scion of a burgess in the city, with laudable anxiety, wished to have »ny advantages connected with the citizenship secured to hi« 524 LAIRD OF LOGAN. family ; " but," said he to the civic counsellor whom he con- sulted, " I do not wish to use any crooked or indirect means even to secure this, I am no tradesman of any sort, so cannot secure it by assuming a fictitious right." " Weel," said the counsellor, " I dinna ken what to do wi'you. You're a tee- totaler, so the incorporation o' maltmen cannot suit your case ; but they are the nearest to having nae trade, but a paying anc, that I ken. What think you o' the hammermen ? I'm sure ye hae dung the sides out o' twa or three pulpit bibles !" A TUFT-BEARER. The quantity of hair now grown in the shape of whisker moustache, and imperial, would make our forefathers, were they lifting their heads above the grave-yard turf, imagine that the land of their fathers had been converted into a quarantine station for all those who, from poverty of soil, had not shown sufficient depth of forest on lip-land and its vicinity, or who, with barbaric hand, had hewn down the chin-timber, and it was required, that the growth-growing capabilities of razor domain should be shown, and a fresh forest seen waving over the shorn region, proving that they were now duly qualified, by beard-length discretion, to act their part in society. We always feel tempted to quote, for these tufl-hunters' instruction, the Scottish saying, " A goat is no a bit the mair reverend for liis beard." One of these beard- trimmers who cultivated, with praise- worthy care, the under-lip central tuft, was accosted by a com- panion on his first noticing the assumption of this lip badge — "What's the matter wi' your chin, Jock? there is surely a terrible slap in your razor, man !" SEEKING " CAU8AM BELLI." The Rev. Mr Comric was attending his presbytery when little business came before them. The only thing he and his brethren bad to do, was to hear discourses from a few students who were on trial for licence. Mr Comrio thought the amount of common- LAIRD OF LOGAX. 525 place remark mid advice given to the young men was superflu- ous. He addressed the Moderator — " Sir, I hae beard the dis- courses o' tliao young men, and am mair than pleased wi' them. I'm thinking maybe some o' oursel's wad scarcely hae stood sae liiir ; and, sir, they hae had abundance o' advice given to them on points that are no likely ever to occur. It minds me o' a story, and I'll tell't to you ; there's some bearing on the case o' the young men in't. A very decent farmer was sair fashed wi' the weather — and did ye ever see or hear tell o' a farmer that wasna ? — and ae day the wind and rain rendered it neces- sary for them to keep within doors; and he didna ken what to turn his ban' to, and he says to his guidwife, ' We'll just hae to fa' to and thrash the weans !' ' Wherefore should we do that ? the weans, poor things, are behaving as weel as ourselves.' ' Na, na ! but, Betty, it's better to look afore ye ; if they're no in a fault the noo, they'll soon be in't.' " QnALIFYING FOR OFFICE. The father of a young licentiate for the ministry went, no doubt with the anxiety and partialities of a parent, to hear his son deliver his first sermon in public. Another young man had been licensed at the same time, and the services of the day were shared between them. The father attended both, so that he might be able to form a comparison. On being asked his opinion of their respective merits, he replied, " He's really a nice young lad that was preaching in the forenoon — a nice lad, and some spunk in him ; but he hasna the waap o' the ann that my son has. I bred him, ye see, first to be a tailor, my ain profession. You should mak' a' your students tailors first." ITJXTUAL APFLICATrON. The race of sermon-hunters is not yet extinct. The occa- sion of the solemnisation of the yearly communion, in distant times, when churches in rural districts were few and far be- tween, brought together almost the entire population of the 52G LAIRD OF LOGAN. district, many of the people actuated by the highest motives to christian duty, others, and these, we fear, by far the most nu- merous, went to see and to be seen. The " Holy Fair " was written by Burns, to hold up to merciless ridicule the un- seemly conduct of parties assembled on communion occasions. We might remind many of our readers who have weathered the storms of the last thirty years, of the scenes annually enacted in June at Govan, when the solemnities of the yearly commi - nion were observed. A sermon-hunter, the subject of our story, was present on one of these occasions, and the clergyman chose for text the passage from Revelations, " They sung a new song," &c., and gave an ex- cellent sermon. It is usual for ministers in the leading discourse, and which is called the " action sermon," to prepare it with more than ordinary care. The minister was called on soon after to ofBciate in the church ivhere this sermon-hunter usually sat, and gave the same ser- mon. A month, perhaps, had not elapsed, when, assisting a brother on a similar occasion to what the sermon had been prepared for, delivered the same discourse. Need we say, the inveterate man of sermon hearing was there also ? The same clergyman and his bubly-jock were present together on another occasion, and the same sermon again given. The minister well knew, when he learned the amount of hear- ing that his discourse had been subjected to, that the repetition would not pass unheeded, and did not put himself in the way of meeting an accuser. One day his ofBcer came into the vestry, and said, " Sir, So-and-so is wanting to see you." The minister received his visitor most cordially; and it was thought the transmuting touch of silver had its influence in tho exchange of salutations, as a restrained smile passed over his visitor's face ; and the minister got off with tho remark, " Really, sir, gif it be the sang which we are to sing in heaven, we shouldna weary o't on earth." AN IRTSn GUIDE. . A COMMERCIAL gentleman, afraid of being too late for dinner LAIKD Ol'' LOGAN. 527 hired a cab, and desired the driver to put his horse to his speed, so that he might be in time to meet his fellow-bagmen, at their mess in the Hotel, Dublin. The whip was applied, but the animal got restive, and warped and twisted, endangering the shafts of the vehicle. " Cant ye get on ?" said the impatient man of samples, " I'll be too late." " Well, sir," said Pat, " I'm doing all I can ; but you see the brute knows that your honour is a stranger in Dublin, and he wishes you to stop and take a look at the pubhc buildings " THE FAIR CITY. The street oi-ator, Ilawkie, entered a shop where there hap- pened to be a gentleman from Perth standing at the counter. " Were ye ever in Perth, Willie ?" " Yes, I have been there, and I hae guid reason to mind Perth. I gaed in at a street ill lighted, and I thocht nae fear o' the police here, so I commences my story; but I hadna weel begun, when a voice from a win- dow cries to me, ' Get ye gone, sir, or the police will find quarters for ye.' I ne'er loot on that I heard the threat, but cried away till I got to the end of the street, and then took the road to my lodgings. I hadna been there mony minutes, when iu comes ane of their police, and lu"s me afF to jail, whaur they keepit me till Jlonday — this was Friday— and just let me out then wi' as much day hcht as would let me see across the brig. That's a* I ken about the Fair City." Standing for a few minutes, be held out his left hand, and, gathering the fingers of his right to a point, he dipped them into the hollow of his left, saying, " Weel, sir, what are ye gaun to gie to redeem the character o' your town ?" MERCHANT AND CUSTOMER. A OENTLEMAN passing along was saluted by Hawkie. " Are ye gaun awa that way?" said the wit. "Man, it's no your ordinary to gang past a puir body without saying hae." Touched 528 LAIRD OF LOGAN. apparently hj the compliment, tlie gentleman baited, put hia hand into his pocket, and taking out the anticipated penny, and holding it up, cries, " Are ye coming for't ? if it's worth taking, it's surely worth coming for." " Ou ay," says Hawkie, limp- ing forward, " but ye micbt hae saved me part of the trouble. I never yet saw a respectable merchant wha wadna willingly meet his customer at least half way." THE LATE LORD MEADOWBANK ELICITING EVIDENCE. The peculiar tact and acumen of Lord Meadowbank in the examination of witnesses in the trial of criminals before him, was never more felicitously demonstrated than in the case of a woman accused of the theft of a quantity of crockery-ware from a shop in Greenock, which was brought on at a Circuit Court in Glasgow a few years ago. The Judges, Lords Meadowbank and MoncriefF, had wrought incessantly the whole day, presiding alternately. As many cases remained for trial, they were averse to leave off business for that day, if another case could pos- sibly be got through, and the Advocate Depute having stated tliat the Greenock crockery case was not likely to occupy much time. Lord MoncriefF agreed to take charge of it, and the accused was brought to the bar. As the case was considered clear, the panel had been expected to plead guilty, but as she stubbornly refused to do so, there was no help for it, but to examine all the witnesses. On examining the first witness, it appeared that on the even- ing libelled, a quantity of crockery had been surreptitiously carried off from his shop by a woman like the panel, whom he had noticed skulking about the shop door for some time before he was about shutting up. It was then he missed them. The woman could not be seen. He did not know her name or abode; and on closing up his shop, he went to the poHc« office, where, on telling what had happened, and describing the woman, an officer said he suspected the panel, who was a lodger in the house of an old Highlund woman, who staid in the Venuel of Greenock. Having gouo therewith the officer, they LAIKD OF LOGAN. 520 found concealed in a bed there, the various articles of crocltery mentioned in the indictment ; they also found the woman and the landlady. The witness ideutilied the prisoner as the woman, ind the articles, then shown, as those which had been stolen from his shop, and which had been found concealed in the lodging. The next witness called being the landlady of the lodging- house, the trial, under ordinary circumstances, should have been very short indeed, and sudi seemed to have been the expecta- tion of the Court. She was a little woman of an old primitive appearance, having her head and upper half covered with a sorely worn tartau shawl, and came forward hirpling (or walking, as if lame,) to the foot of the witness-box, fronting the Jury, and to the left of the Judge's seat. After some difficulty in mounting the steps, and getting fairly into the box, she, as if exhausted, sat down, and seemed no way inclined to humour the anxiiety of the "get on" movement of the Court. This drew forth from Lord MoncricfT a somewhat sharp look at the witness, and a growling command to her, " Stand up, witness, and hol^ up your right hand;" but though uttered with uncom- mon force, it was lost on the witness, for still she sat, and stareil at his Lordship. This conduct his Lordship evidently imputed to a contumacious attempt on her part to withhold her evidence, and befriend the panel; and he therefore, with a fierce look and a voice of thunder, ordered her to get up and take the oath, or he would assuredly send her to prison. Thus addressed, she spoke to some of the audience near her, and it then transpired that, being a Highlander she cotdd not speak English, so that her evidence could not be made available unless through the medium of a sworn interpreter. This was of course instantly communicated to the Advocate-Depute, and by him to the Court, giving at the same time directions to pro- cure instantly a Grelic interpreter. As it had been expected that the panel would plead guilty, and the Court shouM imme- diately after adjourn, numbers, and among others, several o( those officers commonly called as Ga-lic interpreters, had left the Court. Meantime symptoms of impatience were getting visiiblc; 2 m 530 LAIRD OF LOGAN. the blame of delay was general, and of course was manfully shifted from one to another. A Highland interpreter was sought for in all directions, as if the witness's life depended on his appear- ance, and it is told that, in the anxiety to procure one, a change- house or two about Jail Square, frequented by Highland police- men on cu-cuit days, was cleared in a jiSfy by a squad who appeared immediately after in the court, gasping, and with faces like North-Westers. While all this was getting done, the Advocate-Depute had, on consultation, become satisfied that he could prove the charge by other witnesses, and in order to save time and trouble, he announced this, and consented to the witness leaving the Court. She was accordingly making her way slowly out, when Lord Meadowbank, who had been pacing about the back part of the bench, came smiling to the front, and called aloud to the macer, " Bring back that witness." The woman, during the unusual interest and silence which this measure excited, was of new got into the witness-box, when his Lordship ordered her to stand and hold up her right hand, as he did his, and repeat the words of the oath after him. Thus urged, she stood and, like his Lordship, held up her right hand, but on his saying " I swear," and telling her to repeat it, she sheepishly said, " Ough, I was no English." This excuse she repeated twice; but his Lordship was not to be put off in this way — he told her to take the shawl from off her head, and on getting this done, he proceeded thus — " Are not you mistress of a lodging-house in the Venncl of Greenock ? ' To this she answered in a whining voice, " Ough aye." " Do not your neighbours in the Vennel speak Englisli?' To this she answered, " Ough aye." " Do ^y speak to yo», and you to them ?" " Ough nye." "Do you understand what they say to you in English?" " Ough aye." His Lordship then, pointing to the panel, naid, " Was she a lodger in your house, and did you understand her English?" "Ough ayo." His Lordship then, without more ado, directed her to repeat LAIRD OF LOGAN. 531 one by one the words of the oath, and having succeeded, the following scene occurred : — L. M. Was she found iu your house, and taken away ? Witness. Ough aye. L. M. Was that the last time she was there ? W. Oiigli aye. L. M. Wae 5hat about ten o'clock at night ? W. Ough aya. L. M. Had she been in your house getting some meat that afternoon ? W. Ough aye. L. M. Did she leave it soon after, carrying nothing with her? W. Ough aye. L. M. Was she away out of your house till shortly before the men came in and seized her? W. Ough aye. L. M. Had you been in your own house all the time she had been out? W. Ough aye. L. M. When she came in about ten was she alone ? W. Ough aye. L. M. Did she bring into your house with her anything yon had not seen in it before ? W. Ough aye. L. M. Can you say what they were? W. Ough nye ; there was a great wheen o' things — there was a ponny, ponny powl, and a penny tea-pot, and a ponny wee tshug, and some ponny, pretty tea tishes, and a great heap o' praw tishes. L. M. Do you think you could know any of the articles i( they were shown you? Hereupon the witness having cast her eye towards the table of the Court, on whidi the articles were then placed, to the great amusement of his Lordship and all present, broke out as in an ecstacy of delight, exclaiming — " Ough aye — t'ere's the ponny, ponny wee powl, an' t'ere'8 the ponny wee tshug, and a' the ponny, ponny shings, every oue o' them atwecl ; ough 'deed aye!" 532 LAIUD OF LOGAN. And slie continaed clattering on, and gabbling to all around her till stopt by the Court, whilst roars of laughter from all present continued for some time. The result was, that the Court and Jury declared themselves eatisfied, and a verdict of guilty followed. OWEE WEEL KENT. The late bell Gcordie, the Glasgow city crier, whose knell was rung sometime between 1820 and 1830, (those who wish to be more statistical, must consult the local obituaries of the time,) used great liberties with the advertisements he got in charge to publish on the streets; and if his charge had been regulated by the lines which he interjected, connected or unconnected with his subject, his income would have been very considerable. Geordie was employed as one of the door-keepers in the dis- senting church, East Campbell Street, over which Dr Kidston — not then known by the honorary distinction which the Glasgow University afterwards bestowed on him; and when the humble official applied to his minister for a testimonial, as he wished to apply to the magistrates for the situation of city herald, then vacant, Mr Kidston felt that he could not conscientiously give the applicant such a certificate as might be useftil to him, and with great tact replied, " Man, Geordie ! I wonder that you sliould apply to me for a certificate ; you're far better kent than I am ; I had mair need, man, to apply to you !" " Weel, minbter," said Geordie, "I dare say you are in the richt!" ANTICIPATING POVERTY. Hawkie was standing at the counter of one of his halrpenny rate-payers, when a poor man and boy came to the door ; the shop-keeper said, " Ilawkie, there's opposition." " It's no tliat," replied the wit. "Hae, poor man, there's a penny to von ; it's hard to say how soon I may be following the same profession." LAIRD OF LOGAN. 633 NOT DISCUAKOED. TiiuEE cigar-whiffers passed Hawkie, when the usual demand, "Table the browns," was made. "There's a halfpenny for you." " Ay — thank ye ; but that disna pay for three." A beggar's lackey. IIawkie, after discussing the topic of the day, and uplifting all the collection ho was likely to receive, in one of his places of call, was preparing to leave, when a gentleman stepped towards the door, and lifted the latch. " Oh, man! it's a great pity that you were bom to be a porter to Hawkie." THE HIGHEST HONOUR, ACCORDINO TO HOVLE. Toe late John Douglas, clerk to the Justices in the Lower Ward of Lanarkshire, was attending to his duties in the Justice of Peace Court in Glasgow, in cases of small debt. Case after case came before the court, of defaulters to a house, notorious at the time for the extent of business done by them — on the club system. "Is this for that club-house still?" said the assessor. "Yes, sir." "Well, it seems to be the Knave of Clubs!" NAE BLACK GAET. When Mr Harley's very extensive dairy occupied such a large space on the Biythswood grounds— now built on in such princely style — there was & direction on the corner of one of the principal streets, " Entry to Harley's byres in this direc- tion." Mr Douglas remarked, " that it ought to be named the milky way." READY TO RECEIVE. Hawkie, while addressing his audience ou the street, was 534 LAIRD OP LOGAN. interrupted by a passer-by — " I see you are preaching as usual." " Yes, I am," holding out his hand ; " and there's the plate for the collection." A NEW EDITION OP THE SCRIPTURES. " Hae ye," said a country dame to a bookseller, " ony kirk- gangin' bibles ?'' SUBSTITUTE FOR FUEL. Mine host of the Gaff6 Royal, Edinburgh, apologised to a party of gentlemen, about the coldness of the room into which he had put his guests. " Never mind," said a wag, "just deduct so much from the bill, and that will mak' up for't." A NIGHT AT KILCOMRIE CASTLE.* The wintry sky looked dark and troubled, and the moaning of the wind, as the sun dipped below the western horizon, indi- cated a coming war of the elements. At first a few broad flakes like avant- couriers of the storm came wavering down the sky : these soon increased, and fell thicker and fastei-, till distant ob- jects began to disappear, and the surrounding atmosphere, as far as the eye could penetrate, became one uniform scene of fleecy confusion, which fell with a celerity that soon covered the ground to a considerable depth. Not a foot had disturbed the smooth and dazzling surface, till, near the '• too-fall " of the day, • This piece is extracted from papers communicated by Mr Carriok, to tlie Scotlith iltmlhly Mai:axin,; issued in Glasgow in 1837, under the able superintendence of William Weir, Esq., now one of the ablest writers in the Metropolitan daily press. This periodical was conducted with great ability and spirit, and ouj,'ht to have lived through many years, issuing monthly its contributions to the enlightened world, for their instructiun and entertainment; but periodical literature has not had a favourable soil for its cultivation in Glasgow, and each periodical u It Bppcars has had, hitherto, but a short winter-day's existence. LAIKD OP LOGAN. 535 two figures were seen to approach, struggling and sinking knee deep at every step. One of tbem seemed tall, with his head bent stornnward, and the other, who appeared more diminutive, carried some unwieldy object on his back, but, from its being overlaid with snow, the nature and use of which it was a matte of difficulty for any one at a distance to determine. With muc labour the strangers at last reached the wicket of the castle when the warden recognised Habby Gray, a court minstrel of some note, and the gillie who carried his harp. Habby and his boy, having disencumbered themselves of the snow which hung about them, made their way to the hall with that unceremonious freedom usual with those of their privileged class. The gloaming had just set in, and the fuel intended to serve for the night was piled up in the spacious fire-place, while the subtile flame was blinking through the many crevices of the well-built peat cairn, in a manner which promised soon to make all comers keep a respectful distance. As the night closed in, the household began to congregate round the blazing hearth, forming a circle, in the centre of which sat the minstrel and his harp-bearer. " Where have you been, Halbcrt, this long time ?" asked a bright-eyed young woman who sat knitting in a chair, the form of which was sufficiently ancient to have entitled it to a plate at the court of Cardross. " I have been with those wha wish weel to the rooftree of the house of Kilcomric," said the harper — while he bent an eye so full of meaning on the fair querist, that a slight carnation spread quickly over her lovely countenance. "We do not suspect Halbert Gray at least, ol'' harbouring with, or can-ying tidings between us and our enemies." " No, lady Alice," replied the minstrel with a look still more intelligent than before, " if I can carry tidings between you and your friends, I will let your enemies be their own messengers." " I doubt it not, good Halbert ; but," continued she, as if to chaHge the diacourse, " what boy is this you have brought with you r " The young varlet you are pleased to inquire alter is the sod 536 LAIRD OF LOGAN. of a cock-laird near Bucklyvie,* wlio, having performed the part of one of the satyrs at the late grand banquet at Stirling, has taken it into his head to make his son a minstrel, and for that purpose has placed him under my care ; but a bee might as well attempt to teach a black-beetle the way to make honey, as I to instruct this smeddomless smaik in the divine art of minstrelsy." The urchin stole a sulky glance at his master, and, with his arm across his face, hitched sheepishly round on liis seat tc con- ceal himself from view, while he whimpered out — " There's sma' sport in singing sangs wi* a toom wame, I trow." The minstrel's ire was about to break forth at the unpoetical sentiment expressed by his pupil; but the laugh which the homely truth conveyed in the remark had excited, obliged him for the time to suppress bis displeasure. Robin Bunch, an old and privileged retainer of the house of Kilcomrie, who had spent a considerable part of his life in Eng- land, and who now acted as a sort of house-steward in the family, began to interrogate the young minstrel, for the purpose of finding something to amuse himself and those around him. • Bucklyvie is a fixiall village, equi-distant from Stirling on the east and Dumbarton on the west. It is not a place of much importance- there is no public work in its neighbourhood ; it is entirely surrounded by an agricultural population. The soil is not so rich and productive as It is eastward of it, though as skilfully farmed. The village must have improved since the time at which the lines, by some bilious habitual over-diner, and quoted by Sir Walter Scott in his novel of Rob Roy, were written. It is inserted as a motto to Chapter xxviji. " Baron o' Bucklyvie, May the foul fiend drive ye, An' a' to pieces rive ye. For building sic a town ; Wliar there's neither horse meat, nor man's meat, nor e'en a chair to sit down." In the vicinity of the village at Auchintroig, are marks of ' a lire and sword* raid of the free-hooter, Rob Roy. As to the quiet folks in Bucklyvie, we happen to know many of them, and our recollections of itii population for the last fifty years [1S.')2] enable us to say, that they are Just like other specimens of humanity, not better, neither are they wor»'3. LAIRD OF LOGAN. 537 The youth was at first rather shy of being drawn out. Perhaps tlie EngHsh accent with which the old man, who was regarded as something of a wag, affected to speak, niiglit liave a chilling effect upon this awkward apprentice to the tuneful craft. " So you're going to he a minstrel, my young friend?" said Bunch. " -^7) giwn to be !" returned the boy drily, "And how do you like the trade?" " The trade to them that hae a notion o't may do weel eneugh, but I think it's naething to brag o'." " What ! have ye not plenty of feasting, merry-making, and music, the brimming wine-oup to pledge, and plenty of fair ladies to pledge it to ?" " Ah ! you're joking me now. As for feasting, it's either a hunger or a burst wi' us; for, if I'm sent ae night to my bed wi' my stomach stuffed like a Yule haggis, maybe for a week after it will be as toom as my master's pouch." " I'm sure your master sings enough about feasts." " Ay, and mair than eneugh ; he often mak's me yaup to hear liim ; for my master, honest man, always sings best about a supper when he is maist in want o't. Minstrels are a queer »et ; they aye ha'e muckle to say about what they ken least about." " You would have plenty of feasting at Stirling, surely ?" "0 ay, that was weel eneugh; and if the Queen hud just a toee bodie to christen every month, I would like my trade a hantle better." " Wee bodie! thou irreverent varlet! is that the way thy master teaches thee to speak of him [Jamss VI.] who is to be the Lord's anointed ?" " Dinna blame my maister. Sir; I meant nao ill; it's just our Bucklyvie gate o't. I'll ca' him the wee king, if it's to please you." "The young prince, you unmannerly scullion." " Sculhon, said you ? Without meaning any offence either to you or my maister, I would rather, from wliat I have seen, be a scullion in a kind's kitchen than a minstrel ui bis ha'. A 538 LAIKD OF LOGAN. scullion is aye sure o' meat, somp, and wages ; a scullion may get fat by licking his fingers, a minstrel never ; and had I m> ain will, I would rather tiu-n a speet i' the kitchen, than twang a harp in the ha'." " Why, youngster, thou hast learned of the scofEug poets who have written scandalous verses impeaching the bounty of theu: royal masters ; I fear you would make a better jack-pudding than a minstrel." "Jack Puddin', said ye? odd, I like the name sae weel that I wish I was yet to christen !" " And what may the name be, youngster, that you're so ready to part with ?" "There's caething like meat about it, just plain Watty M'Owat," said the youth, putting bis band to a tuft of hah that hung over his forehead. " How old are you ?" " I'm aulder than ye wad think, or I wad like to tell ; my mother used to say that my growth was a' downwards, like the tod's tail." " I would think thee old, and, from thy readiness of tongue, to have a little of the tod's head as well as his tail about thee." " We Buoklyvie fouks hae aye a word or twa to gie to a frien', though we should hae naething else to spare him." " Now, Watty, would you no rather have been a tailor than the trade you have taken up ?" " I'm no fond of tailoring. It wadna agree with me to be cowrin' a' day like a taid on my hunkers." " There are rich tailors in Stirling, my lad ; tailors who have built bridges and gifted them away with the spirit of princes. There's Spittal for instance." " Spittal ! odd that's him that made my faither's deil's dress." " His satyr's dress, thou goose's head !'' • Weel, weel ! ony head you like, but they ca'd it liis deil's dress about Buoklyvie." "How did they know anything about it at Bucklyvie? and how in the name of wonder did your father come to enact such a part at Court ?" LAIltD OF LOGAN. 539 " I'll tell you a' that, if you'll gie inc time. My faitlier, wba is a wee daft whiles (I may just as wcel tell you niysel' as let other folks do't), is kent owre a' the kintra side as 'Davie Souple-sliauks,' and he is weel named; as for jumping and dancing, ho hasna a match on a' the water o' Endrick. The Court folks heard o' him and sent for him to Stirling ; and he took me wi' him as a kind o' gillie to take care o' Weazel (that's our shelty), and do ony odd things he wanted. And trouth 1 had plenty to do, for beside himsel' I had some other deiis or satyrs, as you call them, to wait upon ; and as the time drew on, there was an unco hurry-scurry among them. Some of their dresses didna fit. The tailors in their haste had ta'en owre lang steeks, and something was aye gaun wrang. Ane of my foither's horns cam aflF aboot the time the play was to begin ; another's cloven foot had been made owre little, and wadna let in his real foot, so I had to rin like to brcalc my neck to Spittal's, to get the horn and the clout sorted. But when I got there, I found such a crowd collected, and some crying oot for this ane's dress, and some for that ane's dress, that I had nae way o' getting near the tailors but by creeping through atween the bowlie legs o' a dour-looking auld Highlandman, who was standing wi' a beard hanging frae his chin like a shelty's tail, and a drawn dirk iu his hand, swearing he wad drive it to the h-It in some o' their wames if he didna get his chief's doublet in five minutes. Every one was louder than anither, and a' crushing to be foremost, while the tailors' elbows were flying as if they had the fiercie. Spittal himself at last got up and told them that as he could not get on wi' the Queen's orders, he had sent to the castle to com- plain, and in a short time a dozen o' Her Majesty's archers cam' and cleared the warkshop: (he has an awful trade yon man Spittal, nae wonder he can build brigs.) Weel, after matters were a wee quiet, I weut up to the captain o' the guard, and told him in humble guise wha I was, and all about the dance o' the deils ; but, says I, till I get back wi' the clout and the horn that belangs to twa o' the souplest amang them, there's no a dcil will get dancing a step, and the sport that the Queen has set her heart upon will be a' spoiled. The captain laughed and 540 LAirD OF LOGAX. told me to follow him, and he took me to Spittal, and made him sort the horn and the clout liimsel', and I trow I wasua lang o' getting them, and afF I cam at the gallop, the captain telling me to be sure and let him know when the deil's dance was to begin, as he wished to see it. When I got back to the castle I found Halbert Gray in his minstrel's dress, walking up and down the passage, wi' my faither on the one side o' him without his head- piece, and the deil that wanted the clout on the other, a' very impatient for my return. I told them how I had managed, and the minstrel was so well pleased that he gied me a plack to my- sel', and hearing that the dance was about to commence, I ran off and told the captain, a fine jocular young gentleman, in a handsome green dross, and a cloak a' skinkling wi' silver, wlia gied me haif-a-merk, and told me that when I had nothing to do I might go to the guard-room an' see wliat was going on. I went for want o' a better job, and found a number o' ladies in masques dancing wi' the archers, but as there was nae meat amang them but comfits and wine, which they keeped to them- selves, and the fire being maist out, I thought I wad gang awa and seek some better neuk about the palace. So as deil's bairns are said to hae deil's luck, I chanced to see a door a wee on the jar, and looking in, wha's there hut my faither and his neebour deils returned frae their dance, and sitting check-for-chow wi' Halbert Gray and the other minstrels m their fine silk dresses, taking their supper ; and weel I wat the meat and sowp wasna scant among them. I thought some o' them might hae minded me; but when ane's uo minded by others, it's time they should mind themscl's ; so seeing a tosh-looking venison- pie standing on a chair, I slipped in, and taking it up, took my place behind my fricu' the minstrel, and, as he had already gi'eii me a plack, I thought he might gi'o me something else; so I never failed, when I saw him lift the cup o' sack to his mouth, to gi'e him a dunt on the elbow, till he turned round as snappish as an auld grey-hound, and asked what I wanted ? ' Naething,' said I, ' but just to tell me where I am to put this bit cauld pie.' ' Put it where you like, you uinnanncrly cub, but don't plague me.' I did not think it civil after such an answer to ask LAIRD OF LOUAX. 611 any more questions, so I slipped off to a dark coruer, as 1 thought the best jjlace I could put it was beneath my ain doublet ; and I trow it went down so kindly, that before I was half done I wished my skin had been made o' raw plaidiug. Being weel set by for meat, I began to look about me for soa-p, and seeing a flagon of ale standing upon a bink, which a flunky had set down, I laid my lugs in't, and took sic a waught at it, that I began to think that my throat had grown a huggar. ' Now, Watty,' thinks I to mysel', ' you may bid the deil claw the clungest for at least ae turn o' the orloge.' So I slipped awa' to be out o' harm's way ; but I needna hae fashed mysel', for it was a night on wliich meat and drink was free to ony body that could lay hands on't. So I went back, to see how my faither and his friends were coming on ; but I had scarcely got the length o' mysel' into the room, before 1 saw that the min- strels were a' fou', and the deils no muckle better. My faithei and Ilabby Gray were sitting wi' their arms round each ither's necks. The Frenchman, or Pan as they called him, who was maister o' the deils or satyrs, was standing on a chair singing a French song. Some had their masques off, and some had tlieu* masques on; at one corner sat the bowlie Highlandman wi' the beard, and bis dirk stuck in the table before him, to show that he tliought himself among friends, — at another corner sat the Queen's fule wi' a monkey on his shouthcr, and his son dressed like a wee fule, sitting on his knee, — two half-drunk lords, in grand embroidered suits, stood arm in arm behind, making sport of the company, and laughing ac a drunk minstrel, who was tooming a pot of sack over the face of a sleeping satyr. When I saw them a' in sic a state, and likely soon to be waur, thinks I to mysel', 'Watty, how's your foither to get to Buckly- vie the night?' For hame he had to be; for Laird Kay had a wager on bis head, to jump against a Highland piper at Kippen for twenty mcrks, — and if he didna keep tryst, the laird wad loss his sdler. So I began to jog up him and his crony; but a' that I could get, was Habby's harp to carry to his quarters. This was soon done, but when I came back I had to hclj n.'ibby himself hame; and I t>ow I found my share o' hiT 542 LAIRD OF LOGAN. more troublesome to manage than Lis harp ; however, we got him fixed at last. ' Now,' thmks I, ' the warst job's before me, but I maun set a stout heart to a stey brae.' I got my faither out as far as the passage, and was leadmg him to the dressing- room to get off his deil's dress, and get on his ain — but na, he took a bee in his head that he would ride hame in his dancing claes, and a' that I could say against it was of no use. The two half-drunk lords, who seemed to be wandenng about the castle in search of sport, cam' up and took his part, blawing in his lug about his being the souplest deil in the hale squad — and advising him to ride hame in character. My faither, as 1 told you. is a wee daft, and when he gets a drap in, he'll neither lead nor drive ony gate but his ain — and noo, when he had two lords to egg him on in his folly, I might just as weel try to turn Stirling castle, as turn him frae his purpose. So awa we set down the Castle-hill, wi' the lords laughing behind us, and we twa trying our best to keep the croun o' the causey. "We got at last to my uncle's, wha is deacon o' the maltmen, but, had you seen what an uproar was in the house, when they saw the fearsome-like figure I had brought wi' me ! I ran back again to the castle and brought his claes; — yet a' w£idna do; and ] had just to put the saddle on Wcazel, who happens to be rather a long-backit beast, and got my faither on before me, covering as much of him as I could wi' his plaid ; — whicli I fastened about bis craig wi' a stout boddle prin. The night was stormy, wi' a sprinklin' o' dry drift in the blast, and what wi' the wind, and what wi' his horns, his bonnet wadna stjck on. ' Odd Watty,' says my uncle, 'I think we'll be dung at last.' 'No yet,' said I, ' .as lang's I've a gully in my pouch ; so I cuts twa slits in the bonnet for the horns to get through, aud clapped it on his head, where it stuck as firm as a pan-lid; and my uncle lent us his horn bouat to cast a blink o' light before us, which my faither, right or wrong, would carry, though he could not keep his nose from the horse's mane, aud was daudin the bouat against the beast's neck every minute. Thinks I, this way o' riding will never do, I maun try another gate o't ; so I got hand o' the satyr's tail, th'it my faither had on, and drew it LAIRD OF LOGAS. 543 through beneath me, and, keephig the end o't fast in my hand, I held him firm up in his seat, and awa' we scudded through the drift as if we had been riding a broose. From the air and exercise, my faithcr began to come to himscl' ; and, finding this, I thought it would be best for me, before we came to our ain house, to slip afF and warn my mither and the bairns o' the frightsomc-like figure o' my faither, in case they might be scared out o' ony sma' gumption they had. So, when Weazel came within scent o' his ain corn kist, I took my leave ; and it was weel I did so, for, when he came in handing the bouat before liis Jhtise face, and showing the horns sticking through his bonnet, they a', except my mither, yelled and ran like hunted hares to the readiest hole or corner they could get, and my faither, after dancing his new court step, and shaking his tail twa tliree times round the fire, went off to see his crony Peter Neets, the tailor. But, as soon as tbey got a glimpse o' him at Peter's, the wife jumped head-foremost into the viart barrel, while the tailor himsel' made a claught at the suri/s and ran up through the reek, and out at the hole in the roof, yelling like a wild cat. My faither thought this the wale o' sport, and slipped about frae house to house, till there was sic a scrieching, and rinning, and roaring as had never been heard before in Bucklyvie since it was a toun." "Watty now paused as if he had finished. "Well, yoirngster," said the old steward, " you have told us a long story, and all, 1 dai'e say, very true, but you have not yet said how you hap- pened to engage with the minstrel." " Weel, since yon maun keu," resumed "Watty, " it was nae doing o' mine. My faither's deil cantn'ps had become the com- mon clash o' the kintra-side, and I had made some rhymes about him, which he was weel enough pleased with at first, till some of bis companions put him in a pet about them, and then I had hardly a dog's life o't. So the next time ITabby Gray came to sec the Laird o' Buchanan, he ca'd on my faithcr, and the twa made a bargain, but what it was I never heard ; but, when Ilabby's gaun awa, my faither claps his harp on my back and turns me adrift, wi' naething but n gowf in the lug to keep my pouch wi'." 544 LAIRD OF LOGAN. " That seems hard usage, rny young friend," said the steward; "but let us hear the rliymes, and then we'll be able to say more about it." At the urgent desire of the steward and all present, Watty placed the harp between his Hmbs, and, after twanging away for some time, by way of symphony, and in waggish imitation of his master, sung the following lines to an air which, though not altogether devoid of music, had yet so strong an expression of the ludicrous about it, that it seemed to the ears of the company very much like an attempt to burlesque the lofty profession of which tlie unwilling youth had thus been constrained to become a member : — THE DEII. O' BUCKLTVIE. Nae doubt yell hae heard how daft Davie M'Ouat, Cam' hame like a deil, wi' an auld horn bouat ; His feet they were cloven, horns stuck through his bonnet, That fley'd a' the neibours, whene'er they looked on it ; The bairns flew like bees in a fright to their hivie. For ne'er sic a deil was e'er seen in Bucklyvie. We had deils o' our ain in plenty to grue at. Without makin' a new deil o' Davie INI'Ouat; We hae deils at the sornin', and deils at blaspheniin'; We hae deils at the cursin', and deils at nicknaiuin'; lUit for cloots and for horns, and jaws fit to rivo yc, Sic a deil never cam' to the town o' Bucklyvie. We hae deils that will lie wi' ony deil breathing; We're a' deils for drink when we get it for naething ; We tak' a' we can, we gie unco little, For no ane '11 part wi' the reek o' his spittle ; The Bhool we ne'er use, wi'tlie raUc wc will rive you: So we'll fen without ony mac deils in Uucklyvio. Though han'less and clootless, wi' nae tail to Smite yc, Like leeches when yaup, fu' sair can we bite ye ; In our mcal-pock nae new deil will e'er gel his nievo in. For among us the auld deil could scarce get a livin*. To keep a' that's gudo to ourselves we contrive aye, For that is the creed o' the town o' Bucklyvie. LA IKD OF LOGAN. SIT) But tleils wi' Court favour we never look blue at. Then let's driiiU to our new dcil, daft Davie M'Ouat ; And litiig may he wag liaith \u» tail and his bairdie * Without skaith or scurning frae lord or frae lairdie Let liim get but the Queen at our fauts to connive aye, He'll be the best deil for tlie town o' Huckljvie. Now, I've teirt ye illt failin', I've tell't yft ilk faut; Stick mair to your moilin', and less to your maut ; And aiblins yell find it far better and wiser, Than traiken' and drinkin' wi* Oavie the guizar : And never to wanthrift may ony deil drive ye, Is the wish o' wee Watty, the bard o' IJucklyvie. " Well, Watty, tince tbat is your name," said the stev/ard, "instead of a gowf i' the lug, had you heen a son of mine, I would have turned you ndrifl with as many marks of the lash on your hack as there are strings to the harp. Shame upon yoti for a graceless vagrant that could thus lampoon the bones that begot you." " Iloolie a wee, Sir — Souple-shanks, as they ca' him, is nae father o' mine, he's only my sloppy; my mitlierV gudeman like; and, except being a M'Ouat, he's no a drap o' blood related to me. And I think the usage was just hard eneugh, to ant that had served him so long, and got nothing but cuddy's wages, heavy wark and sair bancs for his trouble." " That indeed alters the case a little ; but surely you scanda- lise your townsmen, when you say they cannot sit with a friend without drinking." "Sit without drinking! They're no exactly my words, but they're no far frae my meaning. Did you ever see a leech sit on a timmer leg, Sir?" " No, youngster, I confess I never did." " Wed then, till ye sec a fairly o' that kind, never expect that a Bucklyvie man will sit whar there's nae drink gann." Watty then betook himself to a corner near the fire, from whence he began to treat the party to the music of the trump, or Jew's harp. Thos engaged, the time drove on, till the pipes struck up the tune known in the castle as tlie " dinner gathering" --a summons which, ou all occasiout, was obeyed 2n 546 LAIRD OF LOGAN. with alacrity. After this very importaut matter had been despatched, and the hall put in evening order, the family circle began to be again formed round the cheerful blaze. " Watty, my lad," said old Bunch, " you've been giving us a little music on the Jew's harp. — Do you like it better than your master's harp ?" " It's easier carried, Sir." " Do you sing to it, youngster ?" said the steward. " I would rather sing to the skirl o' a frying-pan than either the Jew's or my maister's harp; for, I think, thei'e's baith meat and music in't, as the dog said when he ate the piper's bag." " Your master," continued Bunch, " does not think much of your music ; he says you're far behind wi' the harp." "Far behind, said ye? odd I dinna ken what he would liae, I'm aye at his heels wi't." " I don't know, but he seems to think you behind somehow or other." "He'll be meaning that the harp is behind me, which is oftener the case than mo behind it." " What, my little Hempy, you're trying to play the wag with me! Then I must punish you by making you get behind the harp and sing us a song, not the one you sung last night; you must give us something new." As all present seconded Bunch's proposal, Watty crawled foith like a spider from his corner, and taking the harp, placed liiinself in the centre, and after performing obeisance to bis auditors, in imitation of his master, thus went on: THE IIAUr AND THE BAOOIS. At that tide when the voice of the Initio is diiinb, And winter wi' drap at liis nose dotli come, — A wliistlo to malco o' the castle huii To sowf his music sao salric, O ! And the roust on the spcet is sai'k'ss an' smV, And meal is scant in chainlier andlm'. And tlic kniclits liac ceased tlicir merry gallaw, For hick o' llieir warm ciinaric. ()! LAIRD OF LOGAN. 547 Then the Harp and the Ilaggis began a dispute, 'Rout whilk o' their cliarms were in hi,'hest repute: Tlie Haggis at first as a haddic was mute, An' tlie riarp went on wi" her vapourin", O ! An' lofty an' loud were the tones slie assumed, An' boasted how ladies and kniclits gaily plumed, Tlirough rich gilded halls, all so sweetly perfumed. To the sound of her strings went a caperin', O ! "While the Ilaggis," she said, " was a beggardly slave. An' never was seen 'mang the fair an ' the brave ;" "FuffI fulTl" quo' the Haggis, "thou vile lying knave, Come tell us the use of thy twanging, O ? Can it fill atoom wame? can it help a man's pack ? A minstrel when out may come in for his snack. But when starving at hame, will It keep him, alack I Frae trying his hand at the hanging, O 1" The twa they grew wud as wud could be. But a minstrel boy they chanced to see, Wha stood list'ning bye, an' to settle the plea, They begged he would try his endeavour, O ! For the twa in their wrath had all reason forgot. And stood boiling with rage just like peas in a pot. But a Ilaggis ye ken, aye looks best when it's hot, 80 his bowels were moved in her favour, O ! " Nocht pleases the lug half sac weel as a tune. An' whar hings the lug wad be fed wi' a spoon ?" The harp in a triumph cried, " Laddie, weel done," An' her strings wi' delight feel a tinkling. O ! " The liarp's a braw thing," continued the youth, " But what is a harp to put in the mouth ? It fills na the wame, it slaiks na the drouth,— At least,— that is my way o' thinking, O I " A tune's but an air; but a Haggis is meat;— An' wha plays the tune that a body can eat ? When a Haggis is seen wi" a sheep's head and feet. My word, she has gallant attendance, O ! A man wi' sic fare may ne'er prce the tangs. But laugh at lank hunger though sharp be her fangs; But the bard that maun live by the wind o' his sangs, Waes me, has a puir dependence, 1 548 LAIRD OF LOGAN. " How aften we hear wi' the tear in our eye, now the puir starving minstrel, exposed to the sUy, Lays his head on liis harp, and breathes out his last sigh, Without e'er a friend within hearing, O ! But wha ever heard of a minstrel so crest,— Lay his head on a Haggis to gie up the ghost ? O never, since Time took his scythe frae the post, An' truntled awa to the shearing, O ! " Now I'll settle your plea in the crack o' a whup ;— Gie the Haggis the lead, be't to dine or to sup :— Till the bags are weel filled, there can nae drone get up,— Is a saying I learned from my mither, O ! When the feasting is owre, let the harp loudly twang, An' soothe ilka lug wi' the charms o' her sang,— An' the wish of my heart is, wherever ye gang, Gude grant ye may aye be thegither, O !" " Well, Watty," said Bunch, " I'm not much of a judge of thy craft, but thou seemest a little roughish at the business ; yet in time thou mayest get better acquainted with it." " Odd, Sir, what can the like o' me expect? there's mony that hae been langer at the trade that canna male saut to their kail, and whaur the kail is to come frae is a mystery to me. If you had heard the complaints they were making at tlie banquet, it would have made your heart sair. I sat down on a biiik beside sax o' them, and every ane's tale was waur than auithcr's ; ane o' tliem, wha had sax patrons, a' lords, and nac loss, had only got twelve merks for the last twelve months, frae the whole o' them. Anither had tramped fifty miles up through the Ilie- iands, to play and sing at a chief's wedding, and a' he got for his trouble was a pockfu' o' meal, a wee kebbock, and a score of eggs, with the intimation that if he cam back again, he wasna to expect to be sae weel paid. Now, hearing a' these things. Sir, you needna be surprised if I took a heart scad at the harp." " Thou seeni'st to look about thcc, friend Watty, and on that account I have hopes of thee, lad, that thou'lt come to good. Do you say your prayers now, Watty ?" " I say twa every niglit, a long ane and a short ane." " Wimt may they bo, my good lad?" LAIRD OF LOGAN, 549 " Odil, Sir, I'll tell you the short ane, but I aye keep the laiig ane to niysel'." " Well." " It's ' God be p;ude to them that's gude to me.'" " Very well, — a good Scotsman's prayer, — but now, Watty, last night you told us all that happened among the satyrs, and the minstrels, but you did not say a word about what took place among the great folks in the banqueting-hall." " You're jeering me now, Sir, the like o' me wasna let across the door-step. If you want to ken, you maun ask my master; he'll tell ye a' about it." A CUT WORSE THAN A BURN. Du Y of P , and Rev, Mr L of E , were on a jourricy together, perhaps to assist a brother on the occasion of the dispensation of the sacrament. When in the dressing-room, Mr L remarked, as Dr Y was shaving himself, " That's no the way they do in our country — they singe sheep-heads." " So I see," said the Doctor, lifting the artificial scalp from the head of Mr L . AS CCOL AS A CUCUMBER, On the line of railway between Arbroath and Dundee, there is [1852] one of the most polite guards that ever, with thumb and finger, touched brim of beaver or cap. The evening train, from some cause or other, required to stop at one of the wet docks before entering the station at Dundee, when an English passenger, thinking that the carriages had reached their destuia- tion, stepped out, and fell into the dock below, many feet deep ; but being an excellent swinnner, he kept himself afloat. The guard hearing the plunge, went to the spot, and holding up his lantern he looked about for a short time, until he should ascertain whether the gentleman or lady was visible j when he observed him he said, rather coolly, as the gentleman thought, "I see ye, Sir! I see yc! just hover about a blink, and we'll soon tak' ye out." 550 LAIRD OP LOGAN. PERSONAL ACCOUNT. The late Dr Stewart of Erskine, had a keen debate with a gentleman who contended strongly for the infant moral perfec- tion of the human race, and held that the doctrince of original bin was a clerical fiction. " "Well, well, Sir, hold your opinion, as you appear determined to do; but let me remind you, that ye have as much actual transgression as, if unatoned for, will settle you at any rate," PROOF AGAINST INJURY. Hawicik entered the shop of one of his almoners while the process of painting was undergoing. " Take care of your clothes," said the attendant at the counter." " Na," retorted the wit of tattered attire ; " tak' care o' your puint — it's mair likely to b^ damaged by me, than I'm by it." A beggar's gratitude. An old mendicant made, with bonnet in hand, the beggar's appeal to a clergyman, who was well known to the supplicant. The minister put a piece of silver into his hand, which raised to a high pitch the expression of gratitude. " Thank ye. Sir ! Oh thank ye ! I'll gie ye an afternoon's hearing for this ane o' tliae days." seeing's believing. No class of persons arc so observing of the state of the weather .-IS farmers; and these operative .agriculturists, if of ordinary intelligence, may be considered as weather-wise men, .and may safely be consulted. A Lanarkshire farmer had been, as ho thought, misled by his barometer, which liad indicated good weather for several days; but the sky would Lave its own way, and poured down its liquid treasures in more than usual abundance; the farmer in a rage took down the atmospheric indicator, and going to the door, held out the glass, saying, " Will ye no believe your ,ain een?" LAIRD OF LOGAN. EQUAL SAUCE AND SOLID. " You see," said an English gentleman, who appeared to take his dinner with extraordinary gusto, to a Scotchman dining at the same tahlc, " that I take a great deal of butter to my fish." " Ay, an' a decvilish deal o' (ish to your butter too." THE IIECKLEH. About 40 years ago (1852), the late Mr M'Crone, factor in the Isle of Man, where he resided till his death, was, and h:ul long been famed as a most intelligent and acute law-agent and me?senger-at-arms in Glasgow. As such, he was extensively and respectably employed in the recovery of debts, considered doubt- ful or desperate. His success in this last department, and the knowing and adroit means adopted by him to accomplish it, made him the fear and dread of many who were in any respect vergens ad inopiam— and so vigorous as well as rigorous were his measures, that various names or titles were bestowed on him, characterestic of the various opinions entertained of his actings by those who suffered his correction, or by those neighbours who sympathised with the unfortunates who complained of it. Tho office, or place of business occupied by him, was in a close or entry on the east side of the High Street, a little way abovf the Cross ; it consisted of two apartments in a back land, upa short wooden stair, ]eadin,t,'off the stone one used for the front land. On reaching the wooden stairhead, a massive door obslructed farther advance ; but on a visitor knocking with his knuckles (no knocker or bell being there), permission to enter was given by the voice of some one inside callitig aloud, " Come in," or "Push up," leaving the visitor either to stand still, or by vigorous exertion to remove the vis inerlw of the heavy door, and a ponderous iron weight running through a rusty pulley behind, to force his body into the outer room, whilst, in doing so, the noise and skrceching sound of the rusty apparatus was portentously insufferable. On the west side of the High Street there were, in these days, a great many shops occupied by lint dealers and hecklers ; and 552 LAIRD OF LOGAN. among these, was a well-frequented snufF-shop, kept by Willie Alexander, for so he was familiarly named. Willie was given to practical joking, and practised sometimes with complete success. On a weekly market day in Glasgow, one Wednesday forenoon, as Willie was standing at his shop door, a decent country-man, with a bundle on bis back, came down the street, and addressing Willie said, " Ken ye, sir, whaur I could fa' in wi' a guid Heckler here- abouts?'* Willie, who saw that a joke might be attempted with every chance of success, looked somewhat seriously at the man, and said, " 'Deed it's no every lint-stripper hereabouts ye can lippen to, gudeman ; but if I had a job o' the kind, I think, there's ane I could depend on, no far aff, if he would undertak' it." This preface induced the man to tell Willie — " 'Deed, man, it's a pickle lint I want heckle't for our wife at hame. It's our ain growin', and real guid, and we want it right done, 'at we do; and it will oblige us greatly if ye can airt us to your frien'." Willie on this told the honest man " That his friend, M'Crone, straight opposite, was one of the best hecklers in the town; but ten to one," says Willie, " if he'll meddle wi't, as he has got rich, and they say he's about leaving aff business ; but j'e can just leave your lint wi' him and try;" and after telling him how to get into the oflSce, the man went off. On getting to I\Ir M'Crone's stairhead, and rapping, hearing the cry, " Come in ; push up the door," the man, putting his shoulder and the bundle of lint against it, sent it up in a hurry, with its creaking sound like wee-wee-wcc, resembling the unearthly squeak of the railway whistle, and then bounced forward into the room, leaving the door to shut by the impetus of tlie ponderous weiglit bcliind, which it instantly did, with a bang which sliook the whole liouse, and set sweral young men in the room a-staring; one of whom, who seemed to be master there, asked the poor man what he meant or wanted. The man looked somewhat bewildered at the rapid motion and frightsonie noi.-^e of the door, got confused. aue ebullition. X. Brume, n. — Broom, a plant, genista scoparia. According to the Lochwinnoch mythology, the witches ride upon bindweeds or brumesticks, through the lift, and sometimes sail over the Loch to tlie Peil, in a riddle, with in oar of brume. Occasionally, the witch substitutes a brumc-bcsom in the bed LAIRD OF LOGAN. 569 beside her husband, during licr " cantrips with the Meiiilo Thief." — Annals of Lochmnnoch, X. Bucking, v Sound of liquid escaping- through a nar row passage or neck, such as a bottle, or jar. Will Miller had been one da)' at Kilniainock for a jar of whisky, of whieh he had partaken so freely on the road home, that, at length, the giant spirit of usqueba stretched him on the foot- path. The jar having rolled away from him, the cork came out, and the liquor was poured out on the pathway. "Will, listening to the unwelcome process that was going on, and unable to move, addressed the jar — " Ou ay, I heai* ye buck, buck, buck- ing, but I canna win near enough you, or I wad soon fin' a cork for your mouth wi' my ain." BuRBocu, n. — A band put round the hinder legs of a vicious cow when milking-, to prevent her from kicking. Dr. Jamieson has gone into error wit)\ the above word; he spells it bourach, borrach, or bonach : it is derived from the Gaelic baurack^ a milking fetter. Burrochit, pret Restrained. Burrochles, adj Wild, untractable, without re- straint. X. Buss, n. — A bush, a clump of dwarfish trees. An old dame, who had a son that ploughed the salt wave, and when he returned from his journeyings on the perilous deep, amidst many inquiries as to the sea, asked him, " Jock, when yo gang to your bed at nicht, do you tie your gabbart to a buss ?" X. BuTTiLL, Buttle, n — A quantity of hay, grass, or straw bundled English, a bottle. " There wons an old wife in Pomillan, She rides on a buttil o' strac." X. 570 LAIRD OF LOGAN. C. Caff, n — The small leaves that stand like scales round the top of the seed separated from it by the process of winnowing. Dr. Jamieson's definition of chaff is too loose for botanists It is not the true husk, or the coat of corn which remains still after the process of winnowing, which sends off the caff. A reverend gentleman, who, like many of the present gener- ation, " baith i' the Kirk and out o't," made a thought go as far as a gold-beater does a guinea, delivered a very lengthy pulpit oration to an audience, on whom he himself thought he had made some impression. Inquiring afterwards at one of the auditors. " whether he thought the introduction, or the doctrinal, or practical part of the discourse was best," — the person, who was on oldish sparrow, replied, ♦' Just put the hail discourse, in a' its parts, through the fanners, and ye'll see whai- the caff' and the corn is ; but, to be sure, gin the grain was licht, ye gied us guid measure." Two old gash critics, on their way home from the church one Sabbath, remarked to each other — "Man, the minister has gi'en us a wonderfu' lang discourse this afternoon; it will be mirk afore weget hame,and, i'my opinion, there was unco little in't." "Ou ay, man,'' repUed the other, " ca^'is aye mair bulky than corn." Caibib, n — The motion of the clouds in stormy wea- ther. Tannahill, in his song of " Sleeping Maggy," has employed thib term for tlie heavens or firmament, or sky, which is not tlie usual acceptation. X. Capbbnoytit, adj — Superannuated, ill-tempered, im- becile^ crazed, whimsical. Dr. Jamieson's definition is defective ; he explains the word a* crabbed, peevish, irritable. It ia very often applied to irrita- bility, Jjut always where common sense or reason is less or more wantin;:^. "Did ye hear what aiild Dominie Napier says about the mirk LAIRD OF LOGAN. 571 Mununday ?•• quoth an old wife to a cronio; " ho says that it's a yeclips— the sin and the mun fechting for the upper han' ; but lie's a iK)or capernoytit creature. I trow Deacon Lang-whang gied him his answer, honest man ! * Ilout, dominie," said the deacon, • we wad hae licht, galore, gif it be as ye say, that tba mune has nae niair licht than my lap-stane.' " X. Cau, n — A sledge ; a cart wanting the wheels, the bottom made of open spars, having no ledges, sides, nor front, with back made of upright spars, and of considerable depth ; the points of the shafts projecting behind are the support, on which tlie weight of the vehicle is borne. Car also signifies left — as car-handed, left-handed. Carle, or Carl, n — Every man under the rank of a gentleman in blood, such as a working man, a merchant, a vassal, a feuar. Jamieson, in his fourth meaning of carl, is wrong, when he says he has the manners of a boor. Chalmers defines a carle to be a churl, a miser. But If he have these characteristics it is accidental. X. Cauk, n Chalk. An old snip, who threaded his way through the world, near West Calder, had apprenticed to him the son of a neighbouring cottager. Tiie cottager's son took not well with soldering frag- ments of raiment together, and resolved to make off from his master, and to betake himself to some profession, more in the perpendicular, physically, perhaps morally also, than tiiat of the cross-legged, cabbaging fraternity are thought to do. Old whip- the-cat being called from home to make clothes at the house of a customer, left a pair of breeches to repair with his apprentice, enjoining him to have them ready by a certain time, as the owner required them. " An' what cloth will I tak' to do them wi" ?" in- quired young wa.v-biill. " Tout, never mind," replied the master, ' tak' the first piece that's at hand." The youngster, taking ad- vantage of the vague directions, and wishing to try the temper of his master's goose, though it should burn througii ihe stitches 572 LAIRD OF LOGAN. of the indenture, laid hold of anew pair of small clothes, and cut as much out of the back settlements as suited the breach to be repaired. When his master returned home, and saw what jjad been done, his passion was so much excited, that he seized die laboard, and would have felled master buttons, had he not taken to his heels. The latter was trying the pliancy of his joints, the old goose with heavier pinion considerably in tlie rear, when an acquaintance met him, " What, what," said he, "is the matter?" " Ou, naething," replied young snip, "but my measter has gotten an order for a big cutting job in a hurry, and I'm rinning afoi'e wi' the cauk, and he is comin' with the shears." Chxssat, or CmzAT, n A cheese vat, ii vessel, or round wooden box, either of solid wood chiselled out, or moulds made of staves ; the bottom is per foratcd with small holes, to allow the more fluid portion to escape ; the curd is submitted to the pressure of a heavy stone let down by a screw, called the cheese press. ■' Keep within the chissat ye were stan'd in." — Proverb. X. -HUCKIE-STANES, n. — Small fragments of quartz ; so called, from being found in the craps (stomachsi of chuckles or hens. " Your stamack wad grun chuckie-stanes." X. Proverbial Saying. Clanjamfuie, n The Scotch synonyme for the "tag- rag-and-bobtail," or dregs of the people. JattVey's Close enters from the Goosedubbs in Glasgow, and contains a very considerable number of inhabitants, many of whom are of questionable character. The waggish gentleman from whom this close derived its name, was once in com- pany witii a llighlandman of the name of Campbell, who was lording it over some of the Macs, &c,, in the company, and boast- ing of the unti(|uity, great names, and numbers belonging to his clan. Mr. Jaffrcy at onco olVered to take a bet with the Celt, LAIRD OF LOGAN. 573 Ihat the clan to which he belonged was more numerous than his. "Tour clan! ijour clan! who ever heard before now of the Clan-Jaffroy ?" " Donald, I'll let your friends here be the judges." " Very well, then, five pounds to a shilling." " I be- long to the Cian-Jamfrie, so down wi" your dust." The name is vulgarly pronounced Jamphric. Cluds, n — The clouds ; the vapours floating in tliid, reading a newspaper, with. 574 LAIRD OF LOGAN. "Was't here, man, that Icoft the wab o' plaidin', wat je?" "I really cannot say, my good woman," replied the Doctor. "Tuts, that's odd now— itwashereawa' somewhere; butwhether it was up a stair or down a stair, an' tak' my life for't, I canna say." CoMMENTAUTOR, M Generally applied to one who ex- pounds scripture. Mr. James Crawford, minister at Lochwinnoch, piqued him- self on his critical knowledge, and often found fault wich the glosses or readings of commentators, a practice which we wish had expired with the rev. pedant in Renfrewshire. The Rev. Mr. Brisbane, of Dunlop, dined where Mr. Craw- ford was present, with others of the cloth, when Mr. Brisbane, who had a knack of throwing off squibs, was asked to compose Mr. Crawford's epitaph, upon which he extemporised — "Come! commentautors, bring your beuks, And honour Jamie's fa' ; Lay on his grave wi* a' your micht, For he laid on ye a'." X. CosiE, adj. — Snug, bien, comfortable. A Highland shoemaker, who believed most devoutly in the authenticity of Ossian, and in the Gaelic language originating immediately after the dispersion of Babel, wrote a poem at- tempting to prove that the dress, or coat of many colours iu wliich Jacob clothed his favourite son, was a tartan fabric, — " Auld Jacob made his dautit Josie A tartan coat to keep him cosie, Says he, ' Gin e'er ye leave my bosie, This coat I'll ken; This tale we hae frae honest Mosie, The best o' men." Coup, v. — To invert, to turn upside down, synonyme of the Scotch term whummle ; also, to sell or ex- change, a horse coupcr, a dealer in horses. A vessel from the Clyde, in her voyage to the West Indies, had on board a young man going out under indenture, who belonged to Paisloy. LiVIUD OF LOGAN. iJ/O Being his first trip, and a stiff head-wiiitl agitating the sea, tlie inexperienced voyager got exceedingly sick, and came on dnck'to see if IVesh air would relieve him. Seeing the billows rolling mountain high, the vessel now, as it were, in a deep valley, and anon on the mountain top, he thought of givinj. Jirections to the man at the tiller, "llaud her in the ho we, man! can ye no baud her in the howe, or she'll coup." Creel, adj Worth preserving ; a term used by fish- crs in reference to small fish, synonymous with " is worth house-room," and used also by minora- legists in the same sense. (^RViKiT, i)art. pa Crooked, lame; humph-backed is said to be crooked-back't. An unfortunate who had his spine injured, which left the projection at the back above defined, annoyed a Highlander who, following the genders of the Gaelic, gave sex to inanimate ob- jects. Quoth little crook-back, with a little impertinence, •• Donald, why do a' you folk in the Highlands ca' every thing he or she ? " " Man 1" says Donald, " 1 11 not call you neither one nor both — ynu impertinent impudence as you are, wi" your bur- den on your back alwavs nicht and day ; if you were amang the Highlands, they would neither call you he nor she, you bro- ken back — they would call you tV, you cruikit hack that you are of an impudence. Cbuisie, n The Scots form oi crume ; an oil, or alio lamp. " Coll the aizle aff the cruisie, Kate." ALSO, " The cruisie hung by the chioila-lug, A flichteran deathlike licht it flang ; The leddie harkit cosie i' the neuk, While the laird outspak i' the English tongue. X. MS. Verse. Cuu-Ni;, to V. or Cuuin To low ; to howl ; to moan : — n. a menacing tone, as bull or a cow in anger : to moan ; a monotonous tune. — Cognates, 576 LAIKD OF LOGAN. Kremicn, (Bclgic,) to whimper: — Hryna, (Icelan- dic,) to groan : and Coranach^ (Gaelic,) a dirge ; A lamentation for the dead. " Your bill's cruinan, you may leuk for a charge o' horning ," — said when a bill is over due, and diligence threatened. X. CuiTiE, adj (A totally different and distinct word from its derivation and way of pronouncing-, for ?«, like V Greek.^ A cuitie-hoyn^ a small tub, diminu- tive of hoyn, for washing the feet, which holds as much water as will cover the ancles. It derives its name from the cAite^ or cuit^ the ancle. •• He wi' a whittle scrapit his snout, And syn't it in the ciiiiie-boyn, Wi' a strae-rape tye't up his hose, And wasna Wattie wondrous fine ?"' X. MS. CuTTiE, 11 — A short lassie ; a term of reprobation ap- plied to disobedient girls, entering, or below their teens. " Ah ! ye cuttie., I'll gar your lugs ring, if I come to you." CuTTiE, adj vShort. Cuttie is from the Gaelic cuta(j^ or cutach., little or short ; such as cuttie stool ^ c«///6'-spune, CMW/c-pipe, and cuttie ■s,ii.\\, GuTTocH, n. — A cow between the age of a stirk one year, and a quey two years old. '* The kye's ganc to tlic birken wood, The cuttoclis to the broom ; The sheep are to the high, high hills, They'll no be hanio till noun.' X. MS. LAIRD OF LOGAN. 677 D. Daich, n Dough, the paste of bread before being dried in the oven. Ded, or Dead-kist, ji A coffin. The laird of the Linthills, about eighty years ago, ran to pigs ami whistles. His only daughter, reflecting on her father's con- duct, bitterly said, " It wadna gie me muckle sorrow to seo him carried across the craft, and &Jir kist ower his rigging." An old maiden lady died at Barr Castle, while on a visit to the family. The bedroom that she had occupied was in one of the turrets, the ascent to which was by a narrow, dark, winding stair. The minister took an early opportunity of calling at Barr to condole with the family. On his approach, he met the laird walking hurriedly near the gateway, apparently in deep sorrow, and thus administered ghostly consolation: "Miss Jabish haj long been spared to her friends, was well stricken in years, and had gone the way of all living, like a shock of corn that is gathered home in full maturity : all of tiiem should be thankful for the past, submissive under unavoidable privations." " Man," quoth the laird, "what's a' this long palaver for.'' I ken wecl eneuch she's dead, and kent she was diein' ; it's no that I care for, it's no that ava; but how are we to get up wi' the deid-kist, or down wi' the corp ? Can ye tell me that ?" X. DiRDUM, n — An achievement, a deed, an heroic ac. tion. Used ironically, a rebuke. " Sic a dirdum about naething'." DoLESS, or Dowi.Ess, adj — Want of action, spiritless, unergetic. Dr. Jamieson adds unhealthy in his Supplement; this supple mcntary meaning might have been spared. Dortour, n — A repast ; a refreshment ; a slight meal ; a lunch serving the present need ; not a full meal. A herd, in the parish ot Beith, complained " that other herds got a dortour like a dortour, but I get a dochtlcss dortour." 2 V 578 LAIRD OF LOGAN. Dour, ar//.— Stubborn, obstinate, severe, inflexible. The guidwife of the Langlie came to see the curate of Loch- winnoch parish, in the reign of King Charles II., and made a sad complaint against the weather. " It is unco drouthy weather ; our guidman and me are thinking if the drouth should con- tinue it will soon dry up a' the sap of the yirtb, and scaud the corn, and fell our beasts — now, wad ye put up twa words for rain?" But the curate reasoned with her thus : " Now, Eppie, dinna ye ken the eistlan win is unco dour, and gin it haud frae this airt, nae feck wad come o' our prayers ; but thole, Eppie, a wee, and lippen to His ain cannie cast." — Lochwinnoch Le- gends. X. Draigle, v. — To bespatter, to draggle. A rill in the Tandlemuir runs into the water of Calder, which is called the Draiglan Burn. It is the march between the cul- tivated and muirland country. There is an old saying iu the neighbourhood, " The Sunday comes nae farther than the Draiglan Burn." X. Dryster, n. — A person who has the charge of turning and drying grain on the heated plates of the kiln, preparatory to grinding. Dr. Jamiesou has added a fanciful meaning to the above term — one whose business it is to dry cloth at a bleachfield. X. Dust and Gray Meil. — A phrase signifying a mix- ture of dust and stour floating in the atmosphere of a mill. Gray meil— Dirty meal for feeding poultry. John Braedine, in Kilbirnie, was called before the Presbytery of Irvine, 16t7, for calling his minister's doctrines Dust and Grey Meil} was ordained, first, to make confession of his fault on his knees in presence of the Presbytery ; and also before his own congregation, in the nlace of public repentance. ^ LAIRD OF LOQAN. 57