, 1 WE MAKES FOUR TRIPS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN WOLFVILLE AND RED DOG, CRACKIN OFF OUR GOOD OLD 45 s AT IRREG LAR INTERVALS, FARO NELL ON HER CALICO PONY AS THE GODDESS OF LIBERTY, BUSTIN* AWAY WITH THE REST. Frontispiece, p. 170. FARO NELL AND HER FRIENDS WOLFVILLE STORIES BY ALFRED HENRY LEWIS AUTHOR OF "WOLFVILLE," "WOLFVILLE DAYS," "WOLFVILLE NIGHTS," "WOLFVELiE FOLKS," "THE BOSS," "THE SUNSET TRAIL," "THE APACHES OF NEW YORK," "THE STORY OF PAUL JONES," ETC. ILLUSTRATIONS BY W. HERBERT DUNTON AND J. N. MARCHAND G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY PUBLISHERS NEW YORK COPYRIGHT, 1913, BT G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY Fro Nell and Her Friend* THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO WILLIAM EUGENE LEWIS AS MARKING MY APPRECIATION OF WHAT QUALITIES PLACE HIM HIGH AMONG THE BEST EDITORS BEST BROTHERS AND BEST MEN I VE EVER MET A. H. L. CONTENTS VAOV HAPTEB I. DEAD-SHOT BAKER -7 II. OLD MAN ENRIGHT S UNCLE . &9 III. CYNTHIANA, PET-NAMED ORIGINAL SIN 61 IV. OLD MONTE, OFFICIAL DRUNKARD . 99 V. How THE MOCKING BIRD WAS WON . 126 VI. THAT WOLFVILLE-RED DOG FOURTH . 148 VII. PROPRIETY PRATT, HYPNOTIST . . 176 VIII. THAT TURNER PERSON . . .198 IX. RED MIKE 225 X. How TUTT SHOT TEXAS THOMPSON . 260 XI. THE FUNERAL OF OLD HOLT . . 295 XII. SPELLING BOOK BEN . . 320 ILLUSTRATIONS We makes four trips back and forth between Wolf ville and Red Dog, crackin off our good old 45 s at irreg lar in tervals, Faro Nell on her calico pony as the Goddess of Liberty, bustin away with the rest. . . .Frontispiece 170 We re all discussin the doin s of this yere road-agent when Dan gets back from Red Dog, an the result is he unloads his findin s on a dead kyard .......... 18 Dead Shot stops short at this hitch in the discussion, by reason of a bullet from the Lightin Bug s pistol which lodges in his lung .............. 29 The second evening Old Stallins is with us, Dan Boggs an* Texas Thompson uplifts his aged sperits with the "Love Dance of the Catamounts." ......... 43 "It s you, Oscar, that I want," observes Miss Bark. "I con- cloodes, upon sober second thought, to accept your offer of marriage." ............. 93 A couple of Enright s Riders comes a packin a live bob-cat into town ... ........... 118 Turkey Track, seem he s afoot an thirty miles from his home ranch, pulls his gun an sticks up the mockin bird s buck- board ............... 138 We sees the Turner person aboard an* wishes him all kinds of luck ............... 222 "What s the subject?" Peets asks. "That, my friend, is the * Linden in October, " returns Mike, as though he s a showin us a picture of Heaven s front gate .... 238 Him an Annalinda shore do constitoote a picture. Thar s a pa r to draw to, says Nell to Texas, her eyes like brown diamonds" .............. 281 Thar s a bombardment which sounds like a battery of gatlings, the whole punctchooated by a whirlwind of "whoops"! . 317 "Onless girls is barred," declares Faro Nell, from her perch on the chair, " I ve a notion to take a hand " .... 337 FARO NELL AND HER FRIENDS DEAD SHOT BAKER "Which you never knows Dead Shot Baker?" This, from the old cattleman, with a ques tioning glance my way. "No? Well, you shore misses knowin a man! Still, it ain t none so strange neither; even Wolfville s acquaintance with Dead Shot s only what you-all might call casyooal, him not personally lastin more n three months. "This yere Dead Shot has a wife. Thar s women you don t want to see ontil you re tired, an women you don t want to see ontil you re rested, an women you don t want to see no how don t want to see at all. This wife of Dead Shot s belongs with the latter bunch. "Last evenin I m readin whar one of them 7 Fare .Nell and Her Friends philosophic sports asserts that women, that a-way, is shore the sublimation of the oncer- tain. That s how he lays it down; an he never hedges the bluff for so much as a single chip. He insists that you can t put a bet on women; that you can bet on hosses or kyards or lec tions, but not on women women bein too plumb oncertain. As I reads along, I can t he p feelin that somehow this philosophic party must have knowed Dead Shot s wife. "The first time we-all ever sees Dead Shot, he comes trackin into the Red Light one eve- nin jest after the stage rolls up. Bein it s encroachin on second drink time, he sidles up to the bar ; an then, his manner some diffident an apol getic, he says: Gents, do you-all feel like a little licker, that a-way? "It bein imp lite to reef use, we assembles within strikin distance of the bottles Black Jack is slammin the len th of the counter, an begins spillin out our forty drops. At this he turns even more apol getic. Which I trusts, he says, that no one ll mind much if I takes water? "Of course no one minds. Wolfville don t Dead Shot Baker 9 make no speshulty of forcin whiskey onto no gent who s disinclined. If they prefers water, we encourages em. " An for this yere reason, expounds Boggs, once when he ondertakes to explain the public attitoode towards water to some inquir- in tenderfoot an for this partic lar reason: Arizona is a dry an arid clime; an water drinkers bein a cur ous rarity, we admires to keep a spec men or two buck-jumpin about, so s to study their habits. "As we picks up our glasses, Dead Shot sets to introdoocin himse f. My name, gents, he says, is Baker, Ab- ner Baker. The Wells-Fargo folks sends me down yere from Santa Fe to ride shot-gun for em. "The name s plenty s fficient. It s him who goes to a showdown with them three road agents who lays for the stage over in a spur of the Black Range back of San Martial, an hives the three. That battle saves the com pany $200,000; an , they re that pleased with Dead Shot s industry, they skins the com pany s bankroll for a bundle of money the size of a roll of blankets, an gives it to him by way 10 Faro Nell and Her Friends of reward. It s the talk of the two territories. "While we-all knows Dead Shot when he speaks his name, none of us lets on. It s ag inst ettiquette in the south-west to know more of a gent than what he tells himse f . " So water s all you samples? puts in Texas Thompson, as we stands an drinks. " It s like this, explains Dead Shot, ap- pealin round with his eye. You see I can t drink nosepaint none, an drink successful. " Shore, observes Faro Nell, who s takin her diminyootive toddy right at Dead Shot s elbow; thar s gents so organized that to go givin em licker is like tryin to play a harp with a hammer. " That s me, exclaims Dead Shot; that s me, Miss, every time. Give me a spoonful, an I deemands a bar l. After which, thar ain t no se f respectin camp that ll stand for my game. " I savvys what you means, says Tutt; I reecalls in my own case how, on the hocks of mebby it s the ninth drink which this is years an years ago, though I mistakes a dem crat primary for a Methodist praise meetin , an* comes ramblin in an offers to lead in pra r. Which I carries the scars to this day. Dead Shot Baker H " Which is why, Dave, inter jecks Chero kee Hall, in hopes of settin Tutt to pitchin on his p litical rope, him bein by nacher a oncompromisin reepublican that a-way which is why you always holds dem crats so low. " But I don t hold em low, protests Tutt. Thar s heaps to be said for dem crats, least wise for the sort that s pesterin round in the country I hails from. " What be your dem crats like, Dave? Texas urges. Which I wants to see if they re same as the kind I cuts the trail of down about Laredo. " Well, returns Tutt, simply hittin the high places, them dem crats by which I m born surrounded chews tobacco, sw ars profoosely, drinks mighty exhaustive, hates niggers, an some of em can read. That deescription goes for Laredo, too, Texas allows. This yere jedge, who gives my wife her divorce that time, an sets the sheriff to sellin up my steers for costs an al mony, is a dem crat. What you says, Dave, is the merest picture of that joorist. I expects my wife ll come rackin along 12 Faro Nell and Her Friends poco tiempo/ Dead Shot remarks, after a pause. I m yere as advance gyard to sling things into shape. "It s as good as a toone of music to see how softly his face lights up. He s as big an wide an thick an strong as Boggs, an yet it s plain as paint that this yere wife of his, whoever she is, can jest nacherally make curl-papers of him. "That mention of a wife as usual sets Texas to growlin . " Thar you be, Dan! I overhears him whisper, same as if he s been ill-treated; the instant this Dead-Shot says "Water" I m onto it that he s a married man. Water an matri mony goes hand in hand. Now I don t see why none? retorts Boggs. " Because water s weakenin . Feed a sport on water, an it s a cinch he falls a prey to the first female who ropes at him. Thar s Dave, Boggs argyoos, noddin towards Tutt. Ain t he drinkin that time he weds Tucson Jennie? Dave s the exception. Also, you-all re members them circumstances, Dan. Dave Dead Shot Baker 13 don t marry Jennie; Jennie simply ups an has him. " All the same, contends Boggs, I don t regyard Dead Shot s sobriety as no draw back. Thar s lots of folks who s cap ble of bein sober an sociable at one an the same time. "These yere low-voiced wranglin s between Texas an Boggs is off to one side. Mean while, the gen ral confab proceeds. " You ain t been long hooked up? says Doc Peets, addressin Dead Shot. " About a year. She s in the stage that time I has the trouble with them hold-ups in the Black Range, an she allows she likes my style. " We-all hears about that Black Range battle, remarks Enright. It s a mighty lucky play for me, says Dead Shot; I don t ree lize it while I m work- in my Winchester, but I m winnin a angel all the time. That s on the level, gents ! I never puts my arm round her yet, but what I go feelin for wings. Don t this make you sick? Texas growls to Boggs. 14 Faro Nell and Her Friends No, it don t, Boggs replies. On the con trary, I m teched. Gents, goes on Dead Shot, an I sees his mustache tremble that a-way; I don t mind confessin she s that angelic I m half afraid to marry her. I ain t fine enough ! It s like wed- din gunny-sack to silk me makin her my wife. Which I shore has to think an argyoo with myse f a whole lot, before I gets the courage. Ain t you-all ever noticed yere he appeals round to Peets that every time you meets up with a angel, thar s al ways some smoke-begrimed an sin-encrusted son of Satan workin double-turn to support her? "Peets nods. " Shore! Well, it s sech reflections which final gives me the reequired sand. An so, one evenin up in Albuquerque, we prances over before a padre an we re married. You bet, it s like a vision. " Any papooses? asks Tutt, plumb pom pous. " None as yet, confesses Dead Shot, lookin abashed. " Which I ve nacherally got one, an yere Dead Shot Baker 15 Tutt swells. You can put your case peso on it he s the real thing, too. " Little Enright Peets is certainly a fine child, remarks Nell. Dave, you re shore li censed to be proud of him. " That s whatever, adds Boggs. Little Enright Peets is nothin short of bein the No th Star of all hoomanity ! "Mebby a week passes, an one mornin Dead Shot goes squanderin over to Tucson to bring his wife. An nacherally we re on what they calls in St. Looey the quee vee to see her. At that, we-all don t crowd round permiscus when the stage arrives, an we avoids every thing which borders on mob voylence. "Dead Shot hits the street, lookin that happy it s like he s in a dream, an then goes feelin about, soft an solic tous, inside. At last he lifts her out, an stands thar holdin her in his arms. She s shore beautiful; only she ain t no bigger n a ten year old youngone. fYellow-ha red an bloo-eyed, she makes you think of these yere china ornaments that s re- gyarded artistic by the Dutch. "They re certainly a contrast him big as a house, her as small an pretty as a doll! An 16 Faro Nell and Her Friends you should see that enamored Dead Shot look at her! long an deep, like a man drinkin ! Son, sometimes I fears women, that a-way, misses all knowledge of how much they re loved. " She ain t sick, says Dead Shot, speakin* gen ral; only she twists her off ankle gettin* out at the last station. "Dead Shot heads for the little dobe he s fitted up, packin his bloo-eyed doll in his arms. What s our impressions? No gent who signs the books as sech ll say anything ag in a lady; but between us, thar s a sooperior wrinklin of the little tipped-up nose, an a cold feel to them bloo eyes, which don t leave us plumb enthoosiastic. " It s like this, volunteers Enright, who stacks in to explain things. Every gent s got his ideal; an this yere wife of his is Dead Shot s ideal. " Whatever s an ideal, Doc? asks Boggs, who s always romancin about for information. " Which an ideal, Dan, Peets replies, is the partic lar gold brick you re tryin to buy. "At the time Dead Shot s standin thar with his fam ly in his arms, Nell comes out on Dead Shot Baker 17 the Red Light steps to take a peek. Also, Missis Rucker an Tucson Jennie is hoverin about all sim lar. After Dead Shot an his bride has faded into their dobe, them three ex perts holds a energetic consultation in the street. Of course, none of us has the hardi hood to go j inin in their deelib rations, but from what s said later we gets a slant at their concloosions. * Dead Shot s a mighty sight too good for her, is how Missis Rucker gives jedgment. 4 It s peltin pigs with pearls for him to go lov- in her like he does. "Shore; bein ladies that-a-way, Missis Rucker, Tucson Jennie an Faro Nell all visits Dead Shot s wife. But the feelin is that they finds her some stuck up an haughty. This yere notion is upheld by Nell callin her a minx, while Tucson Jennie alloodes to her as a cat on two sep rate occasions. "Dead Shot an his doll-bride, in the begin- nin , seems to be gettin along all right. It s only when thar s money goin over, that Dead Shot has to buckle on his guns an ride out with the stage. This gives him lots of time to hang round, an worship her. Which 18 Faro Nell and Her Friends I m yere to reemark that if ever a white man sets up an idol, that a-way, an says his pra rs to it, that gent s Dead Shot. Thar s nothin to it; prick her finger, an you pierce his heart. " It d be beautiful if it wasn t awful, says Faro Nell. "It ain t a month when events lifts up their p isin heads, which goes to jestify them com ments of Nell s. Thar s been a White House shift back in Washington, an a new postmas ter s sent out. He s a dapper party, with what Peets calls a Van Dyke beard, an smells like a ha r-dresser s shop. "Now if affairs stops thar, we could have stood it ; but they don t. I abhors to say so, but it ain t two weeks before Dead Shot s wife s makin onmistak ble eyes at that postmaster. Them times when Dead Shot s dooties has took him to the other end of the trail, she s over to the post office constant. None of us says any thing, not even to ourselves ; but when it gets to whar she shoves you away from the letter place, an begins talkin milk and honey to him right under your nose, onless you re as blind as steeple bats, an as deaf as the adder of scrip- m S3 t3 S a Dead Shot Baker 19 toore which stoppeth her y ear, you re shore bound to do some thinkin . " Which if ever a gov ment offishul, ex claims Texas, as he comes t arin into the Red Light one evenin , deemandin drinks which if ever a gov ment offishul goes organizin his own fooneral that a-way, it s this yere dee- boshed postmaster next door! "Thar s no thin said, but we-all knows what s on Texas s mind. That wife of Dead Shot s, for the fo th time that day, has gone askin for letters. " She writes em to herse f, is the way Missis Rucker lays it down. Also, it s doo to the crim nal besottedness of that egreegious Dead Shot. The man s shorely love-blind! You ain t goin to far into him for that, be you? Nell asks, her tones reproach ful. Him lovin her like he does shore makes a hit with me. A limit goes in farobank; but my notion is to take the bridle off when the game s love. But all the same he needn t get that lovin it addles him, says Missis Rucker. In a way, it s Dead Shot s sole fault, her actin like she does. Instead of keepin them Mexicans to do 20 Faro Nell and Her Friends her work, Dead Shot ought to make her go surgin round, an care for her house herse f . Thar ain t nobody needs steady employment more n a woman. You-all savvys where it says that Satan finds some mischief still for idle hands to do? Which you bet that bluff means women an postmasters every time. "Missis Rucker continues along sim lar lines, mighty inflexible, for quite a spell. She con- cloodes by sayin : " You keep a woman walsin round a cook- stove, or wrastlin a washtub, or jugglin pots an skillets, same as them sleight-of-hand folks at the Bird Cage Op ry House, an she won t be so free to primp an preen an look at her se f in the glass, an go gaddin after letters which she herse f s done writ. "We-all can t he p hearin this yere, seein we re settin round the O. K. dinin table feed- in at the time ; but we stubbornly ref ooses to be drawed into any views, Enright settin us the example. That sagacious old warchief merely reaches for the salthoss, an never yeeps ; wharupon we maintains ourselves stoo- diously yeepless likewise. Dead Shot Baker 21 "Things goes on swingin an rattlin , an the open-air flirtations which Dead Shot s wife keeps up with that outcast of a postmaster s enough to give you a chill. We sets thar, powerless, expectin a killin every minute. An all the time, like his eyes has took a lay off, Dead Shot wanders to an fro, boastin an braggin in the mushiest way about his wife. Moreover an this trenches on eediotcy he goes out of his path to make a pard of the postmaster, an has that deebauchee over to his shack evenin s. "Dead Shot even begins publicly singin the praises of this office holder. " * Which it s this a-way, he says; what with him bein book-read an a sport who s seen for eign lands, he s company for my wife. She herse f s eddicated to a feather-edge; an , nacherally, that s what gives em so much in common. "Thar s all the same a note in Dead Shot s voice that s like the echo of a groan. It looks, too, as though it sets fire to Texas, who jumps up as if he s stung by a trant ler. * Come, he says, grabbin Boggs by the shoulder. 22 Faro Nell and Her Friends "Texas has Boggs drug half-way to the door, before Enright can head em off. " Whar to? demands Enright; an then adds, don t you-all boys go nigh that post of fice. * All right, says Texas final, but gulpin a little; since it s you who says so, Sam, we won t. Me an Dan yere ll merely take a little passear as far as the graveyard, by way of ree- coverin our sperits an to get the air. I ll shore blow up if obleeged to listen to that Dead Shot any longer. I sees it in his eye, Enright explains in a low tone to Peets, as he resoomes his cha r; Texas is simply goin to bend his gun over that letter man s head. How often has I told you, Dan, asks Texas, after they gets headed for Boot Hill, an Texas has regained his aplomb, that wom en is a brace game? Not all women, Boggs objects; thar s Nell. " Shore; Nell! Texas consents. Sech as her has all of the honor an honesty of a Colt s- 45. A gent can rely on the Nellie brand, same as he can on his guns. But Nellie s one in one Dead Shot Baker 23 thousand. Them other nine hundred an ninety-nine 11 deal you the odd-kyard, Dan, every time. "When Texas an Boggs arrives at Boot Hill, Texas goes seelectin about, same as if he s searchin out a site for a grave. At last he finds a place whar thar s nothin but mes- quite, soapweed an rocks, it s that ornery: " Yere s whar we plants him, says Texas ; off yere, by himse f , like as if he s so much car rion. " Who you talkin about? asks Boggs, some amazed. " Who? repeats Texas; whoever but that postmaster? Dead Shot s got to get him soon or late. An followin the obsequies, thar ain t goin to be no night gyards neither. Which if them coyotes wants to dig him up, they re wel come. It s their lookout, not mine ; an I ain t got no love for coyotes no how. Thar ain t no coyote in Cochise County who s sunk that low he ll eat him, says Boggs. "Like every other outfit, Wolfville sees its hours of sunshine an its hours of gloom, its lights an its shadders. But I m yere to state that it never suffers through no more nerve- 24 Faro Nell and Her Friends rackin eepock than that which it puts in about Dead Shot an his wife. She don t bother us so much as him. It s Dead Shot himse f, praisin up the postmaster an paintin the sun- kissed virchoose of his wife, which keeps the sweat a-pourin down the commoonal face. An all that s left us is to stand pat, an wait for the finish! "One day the Wells-Far go people sends Dead Shot to Santa Fe to take a money box over to Taos. Two days later, Dead Shot s wife finds she s got to go visit Tucson. Like wise, the postmaster allows he s been ordered to Wilcox, to straighten out some deepart- mental kinks. Which we certainly sets thar an looks at each other! the play s that rank. "The postmaster an Dead Shot s wife goes rumblin out on the same stage. Monte starts to tell us what happens when he returns, but the old profligate don t get far. " Gents, he says, that last trip, when Dead Shot s " Shet up, roars Enright, an Monte shore shets up. "It comes plenty close to killin the mis rable old dipsomaniac at that. He swells an he Dead Shot Baker 25 swells, with that pent-up information inside of him, ontil he looks like a dissipated toad. But sech is his awe of Enright, he never dar s opens his clamshell. "It s a week before Dead Shot s wife gets back, an the postmaster don t show up till four days more. Then Dead Shot himse f comes trackin in. "Faro Nell, who s eyes is plumb keen that a-way, lets on to Cherokee private that Dead Shot looks sorrow-ridden. But I don t know! Dead Shot s nacherally grave, havin no humor. A gent who constant goes messin round with road agents, shootin an bein shot at, ain t apt to effervesce. Nell sticks to it, jest the same, that he s onder a cloud. "Dead Shot continyoos to play his old sys tem, an cavorts round plumb friendly with the postmaster, an goes teeterin yere an thar tellin what a boon from heaven on high his wife is, same as former. "Faro Nell shakes her head when Cherokee mentions this last: " That s his throw-off, she says. "One evenin Dead Shot comes trailin into 26 Faro Nell and Her Friends the Red Light, an strolls over to whar Cher okee s dealin bank. " What s the limit? he asks. "At this, we-all looks up a whole lot. It s the first time ever Dead Shot talks of puttin down a bet. "Cherokee s face is like a mask, the face of the thorough-paced kyard sharp. He shows no more astonishment than if Dead Shot s been settin in ag inst his game every evenin for a month. " One hundred an two hundred, says Cherokee. " Bueno! an Dead Shot lays down two one-hundred dollar bills between the king and queen. "Thar s two turns. The third the kyards falls ten-king, an Nell, from her place on the lookout s stool, shoves over two hundred dollars in bloo checks. Thar they are, with the two one-hundred dollar bills, between the king an queen. " Does it go as it lays? asks Dead Shot, it bein double the limit. " It goes, says Cherokee, never movin a muscle. Dead Shot Baker 27 "One turn, an the kyards falls trey-queen. Nell shoves four hundred across to match up with Dead Shot s four hundred. " An now? Dead Shot asks. " I ll turn for it, Cherokee responds. "It s yere that Dead Shot s luck goes back on him. The turn comes queen- jack, an Nell rakes down the eight hundred. "Dead Shot s hand goes to the butt of his gun. " I ve been robbed, he growls ; thar s fifty- three kyards in that deck. "Cherokee s on his feet, his eyes like two steel p ints, gun half drawed. But Nell s as quick. Her hand s on Cherokee s, an she keeps his gun whar it belongs. " Steady! she says; can t you see he s only coaxin you to bump him off? Then, with her face full on Dead Shot, she continyoos: It won t do, Dead Shot; it won t do none! You- all can t get it handed to you yere! You re in the wrong shop; you-all ought to try next door! An Nell p ints with her little thumb through the wall to the post office. "Dead Shot stands thar the color of seegyar ashes, while Cherokee settles ca mly back in his 28 Faro Nell and Her Friends cha r. Cherokee s face is as bar of expression as a blank piece of paper, as he runs his eye along the lay-out, makin ready for the next turn. Thar s mebby a dozen of us playin , but not a word is spoke. Everyone is onto Dead Shot s little game, the moment Nell begins to talk. "Matters seems to hang on centers, ontil Nell stretches across an lays her baby hand on Dead Shot s: " Thar ain t a soul in sight, she says, mighty soft an good, but what s your friend, Dead Shot. "Dead Shot, pale as a candle, wheels toward the door. "Tore Dead Shot! murmurs Nell, the tears in her eyes, to that extent she has to ask Boggs to take her place as look-out. "Four hours goes by, an thar s the poundin of a pony s hoofs, an the creak of saddle- leathers, out in front. It s the Red Dog chief, who s come lookin for Enright. "They confabs a minute or two at a table to the r ar, an then Enright calls Peets over. " Dead Shot s gone an got himse f downed, he says. DEAD SHOT STOPS SHORT AT THIS HITCH IN THE DISCUSSION, BY REASON OP A BUL LET FROM THE LIGHTIN BUG S PISTOL WHICH LODGES IN HIS LUNG. p. 29. Dead Shot Baker 29 " It s on the squar gents/ explains the Red Dog chief; Dead Shot 11 say so himself. He jest nacherally comes htmtin it. "It looks like Dead Shot, after that failure with Cherokee in the Red Light, p ints across for Red Dog. He searches out a party who s called the Lightnin Bug, on account of the spontaneous character of his six-shooter. Dead Shot finds the Lightnin Bug talkin with two fellow gents. He listens awhile, an then takes charge of the conversation. 6 Bug, he says, raisin his voice like it s a challenge Bug, only I m afraid folks ll string you up a whole lot, I d say it s you who stood up the stage last week in Apache Can yon. Also an yere Dead Shot takes to gropin about in his jeans, same as if he s feel- in for a knife it s mighty customary with* me, on occasions sech as this, to cut off the y ears of "Dead Shot stops short, by reason of a bul let from the Bug s pistol which lodges in his lungs. "When Peets an Enright finds him, he s spread out on the Red Dog chief s blankets, coughin blood, with the sorrow-stricken Bug 30 Faro Nell and Her Friends proppin him up one moment to drink water, an* sheddin tears over him the next, alternate. "The Red Dog chief leads out the weepin Bug, who s lamentin mighty grievous, an leaves Enright an Peets with Dead Shot. " It s all right, gents, whispers Dead Shot; I comes lookin for it, an I gets it. Likewise, she ain t to blame ; it s me. I oughtn t to have married her that time she only a girl, an me a full-growed man who should av had sense for both. " That s no lie, says Peets, an Dead Shot gives him a grateful look. " No, he goes on, she s too fine, too high I wasn t her breed. An I ought to have seen it. Yere he has a tussle to hang on. "Peets pours him out some whiskey. " It s licker, ain t it? Dead Shot gasps, sniffin the glass. I m for water, Doc, licker makin me that ornery. " Down with it, urges Peets. Which, if I m a jedge, you ll pack in long before you re due to start anything extra serious, even if you drinkt a gallon. " Shore! agrees Dead Shot, as though the idee brings him relief. Tor a moment it slips Dead Shot Baker 31 my mind about me bein plugged. But as I m sayin , gents, don t blame her. An don t blame him. I has my chance, an has it all framed up, too, when I crosses up with em recent over in Tucson, to kill em both. But I can t do it, gents. The six-shooter at sech a time s played out. That s straight; it don t fill the bill; it ain t adequate, that a-way. So all I can do is feel sorry for em, an never let em know I knows. For, after all, it ain t their fault, it s mine. You sports see that, don t you? She s never meant for me, bein too fine; an , me a man, I ought to have knowed. "Dead Shot ceases talkin , an Enright glances at Peets. Peets shakes his head plenty sorrowful. Go on, he says to Dead Shot ; you-all wants us to do what? " Thar you be! an at the sound of Peets voice Dead Shot s mind comes creepin back to camp. She ll be happy with him they havin so much in common an him an her bein eddicated that a-way an him havin traveled a whole lot! An this yere s what I wants, gents. I wants you-all, as a kindness to 32 Faro Nell and Her Friends me an in a friendly way seem I can t stay none to look-out the play myse f to promise to sort o supervise round an put them nup tials over right. I takes time by the forelock an sends to Tucson for a sky-pilot back two days ago. Bar accidents, he ll be in camp by to-morry. He can work in at the funeral, too, an make it a whipsaw. "Dead Shot turns his eyes on Enright. It s always so about our old chief; every party who s in trouble heads for him like a coyote for a camp fire. " * You 11 shore see that he marries her? ; Promise ! "Thar s a quaver in Dead Shot s voice, Peets tells me, that s like a pra r. " Thar s my hand, Dead Shot, says Enright, who s chokin a little. So far as the letter man s concerned, it ll be the altar or the windmill, Jack Moore an a lariat or that preacher party you refers to. "Dead Shot s gettin mighty weak. After Enright promises he leans back like he s takin a rest. He s so still they re beginnin to figger he s done cashed in; but all at once he starts Dead Shot Baker 33 up like he s overlooked some bet, an has turned back from eternity to tend to it. " About Cherokee an his box, he whispers ; that s a lyin bluff I makes. Tell him I don t mean nothin ; I m only out to draw his fire. "After this Dead Shot only rouses once. His voice ain t more n a sigh. " I forgets to tell you, he says, to give her my love. An you say, too, that I m bumped off like snuffin out a candle too plumb quick for her to get yere. An don t blame her, gents ; it s not her fault, it s mine. "It s the week after the fooneral. The post master s still in town, partly by nacheral pref erence, partly because Enright notifies Jack Moore to ride herd on him, an fill him as full of lead as a bag of bullets in event he onder- takes to go stampedin off. "In the Red Light the seventh evenin En- right rounds up Peets. Doc, 4 he says, a month would be more respect ble, but this yere s beginnin to tell on me. Besides, Peets chips in, by way of he pin Enright out, that preacher sharp corraled over 34 Faro Nell and Her Friends to Missis Rucker s is gettin restless. Onless we side-lines or puts hobbles on that divine we- all can t expect to go holdin him much longer. "Enright leads the way to the r ar wareroom of the Noo York store, which bein whar the stranglers holds their meetin s is Wolfville s hall of jestice. After licker is brought En- right sends Jack Moore for the postmaster, who comes in lookin plenty white. Missis Rucker brings over the divine; an next Dead Shot s widow she s plumb lovely in black appears on the arm of Peets, who goes in person. "Thar s a question in the widow s eye, like she don t onderstand. " Roll your game, says Enright to the preacher sharp. "It s yere an now Dead Shot s widow fully b ars out that philos pher who announces so plumb cold, that a-way, that women s the su blimation of the onexpected. Jack Moore s jest beginnin to manoover that recreant pub lic servant into p sition on the widow s left hand, so s he can be married to the best ad vantage, an the preacher sharp s gettin out Dead Shot Baker 35 an openin his book of rooks, when the widow draws back. "P intin at the bridegroom postmaster, same as if he s a stingin lizard, she addresses Enright. " Whatever s the meanin of this? " Merely the croode preelim naries, Ma am/ Enright explains, to what we-all trusts will prove a fa rly deesir ble weddin . " Me marry him? an the onmitigated scorn that relict exhibits, to say nothin of her tone of voice, shore makes the postmaster bride groom feel chagrined. You ll pardon us, Ma am, returns En- right, soft an depreecatory, tryin to get her feelin s bedded down, which you ll shore par don us if in our dullness we misreads your sentiments. You see, the notion gets somehow proned into us that you wants this party. Which if we makes a mistake, by way of re- pa rin that error, let me say that if thar s any one else in sight whom you preefers, an who s s fficiently single an yoothful to render him el gible for wedlock, yere Enright takes in Boggs an Texas with his gaze, wharat Texas grows as green-eyed as a cornered bobcat 36 Faro Nell and Her Friends he s yours, Ma am, on your p intin him out. " Which I don t want to marry no one/ cries the widow, commencin to sob. An as for marryin him speshul yere she glances at the bridegroom postmaster in sech a hot an drastic way he s left shrivellin in his own shame I d sooner live an die the widow of Dead Shot Abner Baker than be the wife of a cornfield full of sech. "Everybody stares, an Enright takes a modicum of Old Jordan. " You don t deeserve this none, he says at last, turnin to the postmaster bridegroom. Onder the circumstances, however, thar s noth- in left for me to do as cha rman but deeclar this yere weddin a misdeal. "Texas is plumb disgusted. " Don t some folks have nigger luck, Dan? he says. "Later, after thinkin things up an down in his mind, Texas takes ombrage at Enright s invitin Dead Shot s widow to look him an Boggs over that a-way, an take her pick. " Which sech plays don t stand ace-high with me, Sam, Texas says you tryin to auction me off like you does. Even a stran- Dead Shot Baker 37 ger, with a half-way hooman heart, after hear- in my story would say that I already suffers enough. An yet you, who calls yourse f my friend, does all that lays in your callous power to thrust me back into torment. " Texas, replies Enright, like he s bore about all he can, you shorely worries me with your conceit. If you- all won t take my word, then go take a good hard look at yourse f in the glass. Thar s never the slightest risk, as everybody but you yourse f sees plainly, of that lady or any other lady takin you. " You thinks not? asks Texas, plenty in censed. " Which I knows not. No lady s lot ain t quite that desp rate. " Well, returns Texas, after a pause, his face expressin his soreness, I m yere to say, Sam, I don t agree with you, none whatever. You forgets that I ve already been took in wedlock bonds by one lady. An while that Laredo wife of mine is hard an crooel, all Texas knows she s plumb partic lar. Also, no one ever yet comes pirootin up the trail who doubts her taste. "It s the evenin before the preacher sharp 38 Faro Nell and Her Friends goes back to Tucson, when Enright edges him off into a corner of the O. K. dinin room. " Parson/ says Enright, lookin like he s a heap bothered about somethin parson, in ad dition to your little game as a preacher that a-way, you don t happen to be up none on table-tippin or sperit rappin , same as them mediums, do you? " Which I shore don t, replies the preacher sharp, archin his neck, indignant. Likewise, I regyards them cer monials you alloodes to as satantic in their or gin. Doubtless, parson, returns Enright, some disapp inted, doubtless. Still, if you-all but counts the rings on my horns, as givin some impression of the years I ve lived an what troubles I ve probably gone through, you ll onderstand that I ain t takin Satan no more serious than a empty six-shooter. But the mere trooth is, parson, I m pestered by them promises I makes deeceased. Which I d give a yellow stack to get put next to Dead Shot s sperit long enough to explain concernin them nuptials, an make cl ar jest how me an the Doc falls down. " II OLD MAN ENRIGHT S UNCLE "Which you ll excoose me," and the old cattleman replaced his glass upon the table with a decisive click, "if I fails to j ine you in them sent ments. For myse f, I approves on- reserved of both lies an liars. Also, that ree- mark goes double when it comes to public liars tellin public lies. Which, however se fish it may sound, I prefers this gov ment to last my time; an it s my idee that if them statesmen back at Washington ever takes a hour off from their tax-eatin an tells the people the trooth, the whole trooth an nothin but the trooth of their affairs, said people ll be down on the sityooation instanter, like a weasel on a nest of field mice, an wipe the face of nacher free an cl ar of these United States." The above was drawn forth by my condem natory comments on the published speech of a Senator, wherein the truth was as a grain of wheat in a bushel of mendacious chaff. 40 Faro Nell and Her Friends "Shore," continued the old gentleman, with the manner of one who delivers final judg ment, "lies is not only to be applauded, but fostered. They re the angle-irons an corner- braces that keeps plumb the social fabric, wantin which the whole frame-work of soci ty would go leanin sideways, same as that Eye- talian tower you shows me the picture of the other day. Why, if everybody in the world was to go tellin the trooth for the next hour ninety-nine folks in every hundred would be obleeged to put in the rest of their lives hidin out. "Do I myse f ever lie? "Frequent an plumb cheerful. I bases life on the rooles laid down by that sharp who ad- yises folks to do unto others as others does unto them, an beat em to it. Believin , thar- f ore, in handin a gent his own system, I makes it my onbreakable practice to allers lie to liars. Then, ag in, whenever some impert nent prairie dog takes to rummagin round with queries to find out my deesigns, I onflaggingly fills him to the brim with all forms of misleadin men- dac ty, an casts every fictional obstruction in his path that s calc lated to get between his Old Man Enrighfs Uncle 41 heels an trip him up. I shore do admire to stand all sech inquirin mavericks on their heads, an partic ler if they re plottin ag in me. "An why not? A party that a- way, as I some time ago instructs you, ain t got no more right to search my head than to search my war- bags, an a gent who may lock a door may lie. ^Which, if you ll go off by yourse f an think this yere over, you ll see that it s so, an so with a double cinch. "Thar s statements, too, which, speakin technical, might be regyarded as lyin which don t in jestice class onder no sech head. For spec men, when Dick Wooten, upon me askin him how long he s been inhabitin the Raton Pass, p ints to the Spanish Peaks an says, You see them em nences? Well, when I pitches camp in this yere gully them mountings was two holes in the ground, I don t feel like he s lyin . I merely remembers that he steals the bluff from old Jim Bridger, grins an lets it go at that. "Likewise, I m sim larly onaffected towards that amiable multitoode who simply lies to en tertain. These yere latter sports in their pree- 42 Faro Nell and Her Friends var cations is public benefactors. You-all can spread yourse f out in the ca m shadow of their yarns, same as if it s the shade of a tree, an find tharin reefreshment an reepose. "While the most onimag native of us, from Peets to Cherokee, ain t none puny as conver sationists, the biggest liar, ondoubted, who ever comes romancin into Wolfville is Enright s uncle, who visits him that time. Back in Ten nessee a passel of scientists makes what this yere relative of Enright s deescribes as a The ological Survey of some waste land he has on Gingham Mountain, an finds coal. An after that he s rich. Thus, in his old age, but chip per as a coopful of catbirds, he comes rackin into town, allowin he ll take a last look at his nephy, Sam, before he cashes in. "His name is Stallins, bein he s kin to En- right on his mother s side, an since thar s nine ahead of him Enright s mother bein among the first an he don t come along as a infant ontil the heel of the domestic hunt that a-way, he s only got it on Enright by ten years in the matter of age. "No, I shore shouldn t hes tate none to men tion him as a topsawyer among liars, the same THE SECOND EVENING OLD 8TALLINS IS WITH US, DAN BOGG8 AN ? TEXAS THOMP SON UPLIFTS HIS AGED SPERITS WITH THE "LOVE DANCE OF THE CATA MOUNTS." p, 43. Old Man Enright s Uncle 43 bein his constant boast an brag. He accepts the term as embodyin a compliment, an the quick way to get his bristles up is to su gest that his genius for mendac ty is beginnin to bog down. "For all that, Enright imparts to me, pri vate, that the old gent as a liar ain t a marker to his former se f. " You ve heard tell, Enright says, of neighborhood liars, an township liars, an county liars; an mebby even of liars whose fame as sech might fill the frontiers of a state. Take my uncle, say forty years ago, an give him the right allowance of baldface whiskey, an the coast-to-coast expansiveness of them fictions he tosses off shore entitles him to the name of champion of the nation. Com- par d to him, Ananias is but a ambitious amatoor. "It s the second evenin old Stallins is with us, an Enright takes him over to Hamilton s Dance Hall, whar Boggs an Texas by par- tic lar reequest uplifts his aged sperits with that y ear-splittin an toomultuous minyooet, the c Love Dance of the Catamounts. Which the exh bition sets his mem ry to millin , an 44 Faro Nell and Her Friends when we gets back to the Red Light he breaks out remin scent. * Sammy, he says to Enright, you was old enough to rec llect when I has that location over on the upper Hawgthief ? Gents, he goes on, turnin to us, it s a six-forty, an side hill, swamp an bottom as good a section as any to be crossed up with between the Painted Post an the Possum Trot. It s that "Love Dance of the Catamounts" which brings it to my mind, since it s then an thar, by vir- choo of a catamount, I wins my Sarah Ann. She s shore the star-eyed Venus of the Cumberland, is my Sarah Ann. Her ha r, black as paint, is as thick as a pony s mane; her lips is the color of pokeberry juice; her cheeks round an soft is as cl ar an bright an glowin as a sunset in Jooly; her teeth is as milk-white as the inside of a persimmon seed. She s five-foot-eleven without her mocassins, stands as up an down as a pine tree, got a arm on her like the tiller of a scow, an can heft a full-sized side of beef an hang it on the hook. That s fifty years ago. She s back home on the Hawgthief waitin for me now, my Sarah Ann is. You d say she s as Old Man Enright s Uncle 45 gray as a possum, an as wrinkled as a burnt boot. Mebby so; but not to me, you bet. She s allers an ever to me the same endoorin hooman sunburst I co tes an marries that long time ago. "Old Stallins pauses to reefresh himse f, an Texas, who s been fidgetin an frettin since the first mention of Sarah Ann, goes whisper- in to Boggs. " Can t some of you-all, he says, plenty peevish, head this yere mushy old tarrapin off? This outfit knows what I suffers with that Laredo wife of mine. An yet it looks like I m to be tortured constant with tales of mar ried folks, an not one hand stretched out to save me from them reecitals. Brace up, returns Boggs, tryin to com fort him. Thicken your hide ag in sech child ish feelin s, an don t be so easy pierced. Be sides, I reckons the worst s over. He s comin now to them catamounts. "Texas grinds his teeth, an old Stallins re- soomes his adventures. " My Sarah Ann s old pap has his location jest across the Hawgthief from me. Besides him an Sarah Ann, thar ain t nobody but the 46 Faro Nell and Her Friends old woman in the fam Iy, the balance of em bavin been swept away in a freshet. Shore, old man Bender that s Sarah Ann s pap s name has fourteen children once, Sarah Ann, who s oldest, bein the first chicken on the do mestic roost. But the other thirteen is carried off one evenin when, what with the rains an what with the snow meltin back on Gingham Mountain, the Hawgthief gets its back up. Swish comes a big wave of water, an you hear me them children goes coughin an kickin an splutterin into the misty beyond. " Which I says thirteen only because that s whar old Bender allers puts his loss. Zeb Stiles, who lives on the Painted Post, insists that it s fifteen who gets swept away that time. He allows he counts them infant Benders two evenin s before, perched along on old Bender s palin s like pigeons on a limb. Thirteen or fifteen, however, it don t make no difference much, once they re submerged, that a-way. " Mebby I ve been co tin my Sarah Ann for goin on six months, givin her b ar robes an mink pelts, with now an then a pa r of bald eagle wings to bresh the hearth. Nothin heart-movin , however, comes off between us, Old Man Enright s Uncle 47 Sarah Ann keepin me at arm s len th an comportin herse f plumb uppish, as a maiden should. She s right; a likely girl can t be too conserv tive techin what young an boundin bucks comes co tin at her house. " Old Bender sort o likes me in streaks. After he gets bereft of them thirteen or fif teen offspring he turns morose a whole lot, an I used to go cross in my dugout an cheer him up with my lies. " Could I lie? " My nephy, Sammy, thar ll nar ate how I once lies a full-grown b ar to death. The cun- nin varmint takes advantage of me bein with out my weepons, an chases me up a tree. I ensconces myse f in the crotch, an when the b ar starts to climb I hurls down ontrooth after ontrooth on top of him ontill, beneath a ava lanche of falsehood, he s crushed dead at the base of the tree. Could I lie, you asks? Even folks who don t like me concedes that I m the most irresist ble liar south of the Ohio river. " While I m upliftin the feelin s of old Bender mendacious that a-way, he likes me; it s only when we gets to kyard-playin he waxes sour. He s a master-hand to gamble, 48 Faro Nell and Her Friends old Bender is, an as shore as I shows up, fol- lowin a lie or two, he s bound he ll play me seven-up for a crock of baldface whiskey. Now thar ain t a sport from the Knobs of old Knox to the Mississippi who could make seed corn off me at seven-up, an nacherally I beats old Bender out of the baldface. With that he d rave an far, an make like he s goin to jump for his 8-squar Hawkins rifle, whar she s hangin on a pa r of antlers over the door; but he d content himse f final by orderin me out of the shack, sayin that no sech kyard-sharpin galoot as me need come pesterin round allowin to marry no child of his n. At sech eepocks, too, it looks like Sarah Ann sees things through the eyes of her old man, an she s more n common icy. One day old Bender goes weavin over to Pineknot, an starts to tradin bosses with Zeb Stiles. They seesaws away for hours, an old Bender absorbs about two dollars worth of licker, still-house rates. In the finish Zeb does him brown an does him black on the swap, so it don t astonish nobody to death when next day he quiles up in his blankets sick. Marm Bender tries rekiverin him with yarbs, an Old Man Enrighfs Uncle 49 kumfrey tea, an* sweet gum saV. When them rem dies proves f ootile she decides that perhaps a frolic ll fetch him. " It s about second drink time in the after noon when Marm Bender starts out Fiddler Abe, givin notice of the treat. I hears the old nigger as, mule-back, he goes meanderin* along, singin : Thar s a smoke house full of bacon, An a barrel full of rum. For to eat an drink an* shake a laig You ve only got to come. 4 *As soon as Fiddler Abe starts singin the girls an boys begin comin out of the woods like red ants out of a burnin log, headin hot foot for old Bender s. " T)o I go? It ain t a hour after candle lightin when, with mebby it s a pint of baldface onder the buckle of my belt, I m jumpin higher, shout- in louder, an doin more to loosen the punch eons in the floor than any four males of my species who s present at that merry-makin . It he ps old Bender, too, an inspired by the company an onder the inflooence of four or 50 Faro Nell and Her Friends five stiff toddies, he resolves not to let that boss trade carry him to a ontimely grave, an is sittin up in his blankets, yellin , "Wake snakes; an Gin ral Jackson fit the Injuns!" in happy accord with the sperit of his times. * Fiddler Abe strikes into the exyooberant strains of "Little Black Bull Come Down the Mountains," an I hauls Ten-spot Mollie out of the gin ral ruck of calico for a reel. We calls her Ten-spot Mollie because she s got five freckles on each cheek. All the same, when it comes to dancin , she s shore a she-steamboat. Every time we swings she hefts me plumb free of the floor, an bats my heels ag in the rafters ontil both ankles is sprained. * Sarah Ann falls jealous, seem me an Ten-spot Mollie thus pleasantly engaged, an to get even goes to simperin an talkin giggle- talk to Mart Jenkins, who s rid in from Rapid Run. Jenks is a offensive numbskull who s wormed his way into soci ty by lickin all the boys round his side of Gingham Mountain. At that, he s merely tol rated. " Seein Sarah Ann philanderin with Jenks, I lets go of Ten-spot Mollie, who goes raspin an rollin into a corner some abrupt, Old Man Enright s Uncle 51 an sa nters across to whar they re at. Leanin over Sarah Ann s off-shoulder, bein the one furthest from that onmitigated Jenks, I says, "Sweetheart, how can you waste time talkin to this yere hooman Sahara, whose intellects is that sterile they wouldn t raise cow-pease?" " This makes Jenks oneasy, an getting up, he reemarks, "Dick Stallins, I ll be the all- firedest obleeged to you if you ll attend on me to the foot of the hollow, an bring your in- strooments." " At this I explains that I ain t got my in- strooments with me, havin left both rifle an bowie in the dugout when I paddles over to the dance. Jenks makes a insultin gesture, an ree- torts, "Don t crawl, Dick Stallins. Borry old Bender s nine-inch bootcher, an come with me." To appease him I says I will, an that I ll j ine him at the before named slaughter- ground in the flicker of a lamb s tail. Jenks stalks off plumb satisfied, while I searches out Ben Hazlett, an whispers that Jenks is askin for him some urgent, an has gone down the trace towards the foot of the hollow to look 52 Faro Nell and Her Friends him up. Nacherally, my diplom cy in this yere behalf sends Ben cavortin after Jenks; an* this relieves me a heap, knowin that all Jenks wants is a fight, an Ben ll do him jest as well as me. Which them was shorely happy days ! he continyoos, settin down the bottle wharwith he s been encouragin his faculties. Troo, every gent has to sleep with his head in a iron kettle for fear of Injuns, an a hundred dol lars is bigger n a cord of wood, but life is plenty blissful jest the same. Was you afraid of this yere Jenks? asks Boggs. " No more n if he s a streak of lightnin . Only, I ve got on a new huntin shirt, made of green blanket cloth, an I ain t none strenuous about havin that gyarment all slashed up. " To proceed: After I dispatches Ben on the heels of Jenks that a-way it occurs to me that mebby I m sort o tired with the labors of the evenin , an I ll find my dugout, ferry my- se f over to my own proper wickyup, an hit the hay for a snooze. I m some hurried to the con- cloosion by the way in which eevents begins to accumyoolate in my immedyit vicin ty. Bill Old Man Enright s Uncle 53 Wheeler announces without a word of warnin that he s a fly in alligator, besides advancin* the theery that Gene Hemphill is about as dee- serv dly pop lar as a abolitionist in South Caroliny. I suspects that this attitoode of mind on Bill s part is likely to provoke discus sion, which suspicion is confirmed when Gene knocks Bill down, an boots him into the door- yard. Once in the open, after a clout or two, Gene an Bill goes to a clinch an the fightin* begins. It ain t no time when the circumf rence of trouble spreads. Bud Ingalls makes a pass at me pers nal, an by way of reeprisal I smashes a stewpan on him. Bud s head goes through the bottom, like the clown through them paper hoops in a cirkus, the stewpan fittin down round his neck same as one of them Eliz- bethan ruffs. The stewpan ockyoopies so much of Bud s attention that I gets impatient, an so, tellin him I ain t got no time to wait, I leaves him strugglin with that yootensil, an strolls off down to the Hawgthief whistlin "Sandy Land." 4 It s dark as the inside of a cow, an some how I misses the dugout; but bein stubborn, 54 Faro Nell and Her Friends an plumb sot about gettin home, I wades in an begins to swim. The old Hawgthief is bank full, but I d have made t other side all right if it ain t that, as I swims out from onder the overhangin branch of a tree, somethin drops into the water behind me, an comes snarlin an splashin an spittin along in pur- soote. I don t pay much heed at the jump, but when it claws off my nigh moccasin, leavin a inch-deep gash in my heel, I glances back an perceives by the two green eyes that I ve be come an object of comsoomin int rest to a pa nter, or what you-all out yere calls a moun tain lion, an we-uns back in Tennessee a cata mount. "But a panther won t swim, reemonstrates Tutt. " Arizona catamounts won t, returns old Stallins, thar bein no rivers to speak of. But in Tennessee, whar thar s rivers to waste, them cats takes to the water like so many muskrats. " When I finds that thar s nothin doggin me but a catamount, I heads all casyooal for whar a tree s done been lodged midstream, merely flingin the reemark over my shoulder to the catamount that, if he keeps on annoyin Old Man Enrighfs Uncle 55 me, he ll about pick up the makin s of a maul- in . As I crawls out on the bole of the lodged tree, I can hear the catamount sniggerin , same as if he s laughin me to scorn, an this yere insultin contoomely half-way makes me mad. Which I ain t in the habit of bein took lightly by no catamount. * Drawin myse f out o the water, I strad dles the bole of my tree, an organizes for the catamount, who s already crawlin after me. T arin off a convenient bough the thickness of your laig, I arranges myse f as a reeception committee for visitin catamounts, an by way of beginnin confers on my partic lar anamile sech a bat over the snout that he falls back into the drink, an starts to swimmin fancy an goin round in circles, same as if his funny- bone s been teched. Every time he gets in reach I jabs him in the eye with the splinter end of the bough, an at last he grows that disgusted at these for- mal ties he swims off to the bank. Thar he camps down on his ha nches, an glares green- eyed at me across the ragin flood. c * Shore, I could have raised the long yell for he p, but am withheld by foolish pride. Be- 56 Faro Nell and Her Friends sides, I can hear Ben an Jenks tusslin* an gruntin an carryin on over in the mouth of the hollow, as they kyarves into each other with their knives, an don t want to distract their attention. As I sets camped thar on my lodged tree, an the catamount is planted on the bank, I hears the lippin splash of a paddle, an then a voice which sounds like a chime of bells floats across to ask, "Dick Stallins, you ornery runni- gate, wharever be you?" " It s my Sarah Ann, whose love, gettin the upper hand of maidenly reeserve, has sent her projectin round in search of me. She s in my dugout. " The catamount identifies her as soon as me; an thinkin she ought to be easy, he slides into the water ag in an starts for the boat. It s that dark I ain t shore of his deesigns ontil I sees him reach up, tip the dugout over, an set Sarah Ann to wallowin in the rushin tor rent. The dugout upsets on the catamount, an this so confooses him that, by the time he s got his bearin s, Sarah Ann s been swept down to my tree, an I ve lifted her to a seat by my ! side. The catamount don t try to lay siege to Old Man Enright s Uncle 57 our p sition, recognizing it as impregnable, but paddles back to the shore an goes into watch ful camp as prior. " Tor myse f, I m so elevated with love an affection at havin Sarah Ann with me, I dis misses the catamount as a dead issue, an as sech beneath contempt, an by way of molli- fyin Sarah Ann s feelin s, cuts loose an kisses her a gross or two of times, an each like the crack of a bull-whacker s whip. " Old Bender hears them caresses plumb up to his house as well he may, they re that on- reeserved an earnest an thinks it s some one shootin a rifle. It has the effect of bringin out the old Spartan with his Hawkins ; an the first word of it that reaches me an Sarah Ann is him, Marm Bender an the whole b ilin of folks is down thar on the bank, tryin to make out in the gen ral dimness whatever be we-all lovers doin out thar in the middle of the Hawgthief on a snag. They don t deetect my catamount none, which sagacious feline slinks off into the shad ows covered with conf oosion ; all they sees is us. An the spectacle certainly excites old Bender. "Gen ral Jackson fit the Injuns!" he exclaims, 58 Faro Nell and Her Friends as all of a sudden a thought strikes him; "that measly excoose for a Union Democrat out thar is seekin to eelope with our Sarah Ann." " The old murderer starts to get a bead on me with the Hawkins. "Father," yells Marm Bender, pullin at his sleeve, "y u shore must be mistook." " Old Bender won t have it. "Maw," he returns, strivin to disengage himse f, "I was never mistook about nothin in my life but once, an that s when I shifts from baldface whiskey to hard cider on a temp ranee argyoo- ment. Let me go, woman, till I drill the mis creant an wash the stain from our fam ly honor." Before the old hom cide can get to laun- derin the fam ly honor in my blood, however, Sarah Ann has interposed. "Don t go to blaz ing away at my Dickey, pop," she sings out, "or I ll shore burn every improvement you got, an leave you an maw an me roofless in the midst of the wilderness." " This goes a long way towards soberin down old Bender, because he knows my Sarah Ann s the Cumberland hollyhock to put them menaces into execootion. He lowers the muz- Old Man Enright s Uncle 59 zle of his old 8-squar , an allows if I promises to marry the girl I can swim ashore an be for given. " Thus the matter ends mighty amic ble. We all goes trackin up to the house, a preacher is rushed to the scene from Pineknot, an them nuptials between Sarah Ann an me is sol m- nized. Shore, Jenks an Ben is thar. They re found by a committee of their friends scat tered about at the foot of the hollow, an is collected an brought up to the weddin in blankets. Dave Daniels, who surveys the scene next day, says you could plant corn whar they fit, it s that plowed up. Followin the cer mony Marm Bender an the old gent takes me into their hearts an cabin like I m their own an only son. He s a great old daddy-in-law, old Bender is, an is ven rated for forty miles about Gingham Mountain, as deevoted heart an soul to bald- face, seven-up an sin in any shape. That match-makin catamount? We hives him. Me an my new daddy-in- law tracks him to his reetreat, an when we re through he s plumb used up. I confers the pelt on my Sarah Ann; an she spreads it on 60 Faro Nell and Her Friends the floor over by her side of the bed, so as to put her little number sevens on it when she boils out of a winter s mornin to light the fire, an rustle me my matoot nal buckwheat cakes an sa sage. Ill CYNTHIANA, PET-NAMED ORIGINAL SIN "This yere speecific heroine is a heap oncon- ventional, so much so as to be plumb puzzlin* to the common mind. Jest the same, she fin ishes winner, an makes herse f a gen ral source of pride. She don t notify us, none whatever, that she intends a Wolfville deboo; jest nach- erally descends upon us, that a-way, as onan- nounced as a mink on a settin hen. All the same, we knows she s comin while yet she s five mile out on the trail. Not that we savvys who she is or what she aims at ; we merely gets moved up next to the fact that she s a lady, an likewise no slouch for looks. "We reads these yere trooths in the dust old Monte kicks up, as he comes swingin in with the stage. Which it s the weakness of this in ebriate, as I tells you former, that once let him get a lady aboard, it looks like it s a signal for him to go pourin the leather into his team like he ain t got a minute to live. It s a p lite at- 61 62 Faro Nell and Her Friends tention he assoomes, in his besotted way, is doo the sex. "It s the more strange, too, since it s the only attention Monte ever pays em. He never looks at em, never speaks to em ; simply plants himse f on the box, as up an down as a cow s tail, an t ars into them harassed bosses. If the lady he s complimentin that a-way was to get jolted overboard which the same wouldn t be no mir cal, considerin how that dipsomaniac drives it s even money he leaves her hunched up like a jack-rabbit alongside the trail, an never thinks of stoppin or turnin back. He s merely a drunkard with that one fool idee of showin off, an nothin the stage people s ever able to say can teach him different. From first to last you-all could measure Monte s notion of the pulcritoode of a petticoat passen ger by the extent to which he lams loose with his whip. Given what he deems is a she-sun burst, he shorely does maltreat the company s live stock shameful. " If, observes Peets, as a bunch of us stands gossipin round in front of the Red Light that time, watchin the dust cloud draw nearer an nearer if it s poss ble to imagine the old sot Cynihiana, Pet-named Original Sin 63 as havin a Cleopatra to freight over from Tuc son, it s a cow pony to a Mexican sheep he d kill one of the wheelers. "Thar ain t none of us knows who this yere Cleopatra the Doc refers to is, onless it s Colo nel Sterett, who edits the Daily Coyote. Still, the compar son is plenty convincin . Accord- in to the Doc himself, this Cleopatra s a mete oric female party, as lively as she is lovely, who sets a passel of ancient sports to walkin in a cirkle back some ers in the mists of time. Also, it s bloo chips to white, an bet em higher than a cat s back, the Doc knows. The Doc is ondoubted the best eddicated gent that ever makes a moccasin track between Yuma an the Raton Pass, an when he onbuckles techin any historic f eachures, you can call for a goose- ha r pillow, an go to sleep on it he ain t bark- in at no knot. "Thar s a feeble form of young tenderfoot pesterin about the suburbs of the crowd. He s one of them hooman deficits, so plumb ornery as to be useless East, which their f am lies, in gettin rid of em, saws happ ly off onto a on- protected West. This partic lar racial disas ter s been on our hands now mebbe it s six 64 Faro Nell and Her Friends months, an we-all is hopin that in some p int- less sort o way he ll brace up and do overt acts which entitles us to stampede him out of camp. But so far he don t. "This yere exile comes wanderin into the talk by askin his voice as thin as a curlew s: " Who is this old Monte you re alloodin* at? Whoever he is? says Boggs. * Which if you-all d struck camp by way of Tucson, in stead of skulkin upon us in the low-down fash ion you does along of the Lordsburg-Red Dog buckboard, you wouldn t have to ask none. He s the offishul drunkard of Arizona, Monte is. Which the same should be notice, too, that it s futile for you to go ropin at that p sition. I says this, since from the quantity of Old Jor dan you ve been mowin away, I more n half infers that you nourishes designs upon the place. "The feeble young shorthorn smiles a puny smile, and don t lunge forth into no more queries. "Texas, who s been listenin to what Boggs says, squar s round an half-way erects his crest for an argyooment. Texas has had mari- Cynthiana, Pet-named Original Sin 65 tal troubles, an him ponderin the same con stant renders him some morbid an morose. " From your tone of voice, Dan, remarks Texas, *I takes it you holds Monte s appe tite for nose paint to be a deef ect. That s whar I differs. That old marauder is a drunkard through sheer excess of guile. He finds in alcohol his ark of refooge. I only wish I d took to whiskey in my teens. "Boggs is amazed. " Texas, he says, plenty sorrowful, it wouldn t astonish me none if you finds your finish in a wickeyup deevoted to loonatics, playin with a string of spools. 1 That s your onthinkin way. Do you reckon now, if I d been a slave to drink when that Laredo wife of mine first sees me, she d have w irled me to the altar an made me the blighted longhorn you sees now ? She wouldn t have let me get near enough to her to give her a bunch of grapes. It s my sobri ty that s my ondoin , that an bein plumb moral. Which I onerringly traces them divorce troubles, an her sellin up my stock at public vandoo for cost an al mony like she does, to me weakly holdin aloof from whisky when I m young. 66 Faro Nell and Her Friends " Which I shore, an Boggs shows he s mighty peevish an put out never meets up with a more exasp ratin conversationist! It s because you re sech an egreegious egotist! ,You-all can t talk ten minutes, Texas, but what you re allers bringin in them domestic affairs of yours. If you desires to discuss whiskey abstract, an from what the Doc thar calls a academic standp int, I m your gent. But I declines to be drug into personal ties, in considerin which I might be carried by the heat of deebate to whar I gets myse f shot up. " I sees your attitood, Dan; I sees your at- titood, an respects it. Jest the same, thar s an anti-nuptial side to the liquor question, an bein a drunkard that a-way is not without its compensations . " But he s bound to be so blurred, reemon- strates Boggs, who by nacher is dispootatious, an once started prone to swing an rattle with a topic like a pup to a pig s y ear: That drunkard is so plumb blurred. " Blurred but free, Dan, retorts Texas, mighty firm. Don t overlook no sech bet as that drunkard bein free. Also, it s better to be free than sober. Cynihiana, Pet-named Original Sin 67 " Coin back to Monte, says Boggs, re turning to the orig nal text; half the time, over to the O. K. Restauraw when Missis Rucker slams him down his chuck, he ain t none shore he s eatin flapjacks or rattlesnakes. The other day, when Rucker drops a plate, he jumps three feet in the air, throws up his hands an yells, "Take the express box, gents, but spar my life!" It s whiskey does it. The old cim- maron thinks it s road agents stickin him up. "Dispoote is only ended by the stage thun- derin in leathers creakin , chains jinglin , hosses a lather of sweat an alkali dust, Monte cocked up on the box as austere as a treeful of owls. He s for openin the door, but Peets is thar before him. Let it get dealt down to showin attentions to a lady, an the briskest sport ll have to move some sudden, or the Doc ll beat him to it. Which he certainly is the p litest drug sharp of which hist ry makes mention ! "The Doc offers his hand to he p her out, but she hits the ground onaided as light as any leaf. Nacherally we looks her over. Take her from foretop to fetlocks, she s as lovely as a diamond flush. She s got corn-colored ha r, 68 Faro Nell and Her Friends an eyes as soft as the sky in Joone. Peets calls em azure bein romantic. As for the rest of us, we don t call em nothin . Thar s a sprightly look about em, which would shore jestify any semi-proodent gent in jumpin sideways. Likewise, she s packin a Colt s .45, an clutchin a Winchester in her little claw, the same contreebutin a whole lot toward mak- in her impressive as a pageant. How are you, sports? she says, tossin her disengaged hand a heap arch. I gets word about you-all up in Vegas, an allows I ll come trundlin down yere an size you up. My idee is you needs regen ratinY " Is thar anything we-all can he p you to, Miss? asks Enright, who takes the play away from Peets. If aught is wanted, an thar s a lariat in the outfit long enough to reach, you- all can trust Wolf ville to rope, throw an hawg- tie the same accordin to your wishes. " Yes, adds Peets, as Sam says, if thar s any little way we-all can serve you, Miss, jest say the word. Likewise, if you don t feel like speakin , make signs; an if you objects to makin signs, shake a bush. All we reequires is the slightest hint. Cynthiana, Pet-named Original Sin 69 " Be ca m, says the young lady, her manner as se f-confident as if she s a queen. "Thar s nothin demanded of you outlaws except to tamely listen. I m a se f-respectin , se f-sup- portin young female, who believes in Woman Suffrage, an the equality of the sexes in pol - tics an property rights. Which my name is Bark, baptized Cynthiana, the same redooced by my old pap, while yet alive, into the pet name of Original Sin. It s my present pur pose to become a citizen of this yere camp, an take my ontrammeled place in its commercial life by openin a grogshop. Pendin which, do you-all see this? an she dallies gently with a fringe of b ar-claws she s wearin as a neck lace, the same bein in loo of beads. That grizzly s as big an ugly as him. Yere she tosses a rose-leaf hand at Boggs, who breaks into a profoose sweat. I downs him. Also, I ll send the first horned-toad among you, who pays me any flagrant attentions, pirootin after that b ar. Don t forget, gents: my name s Bark, Cynthiana Bark, pet-named Original Sin, an thar s a bite goes with the Bark. "Havin conclooded this yere salootatory, Miss Bark, givin a coquettish flourish to her 70 Faro Nell and Her Friends Winchester, goes trapsein over to the O. K. Restauraw, leavin us as the story-writer puts it glooed to the spot. You see it ain t been yoosual for us to cross up with ladies who, never waitin for us to so much as bat an ad- mirin eye or wag an adorin y ear, opens nee- gotations by threatenin to shoot us in two. " Thar s a young lady, says Peets, who s first to ketch his breath, that s got what I calls verve/ " Admittin which, observes Enright, some doubtful, havin been thrown back on his hocks a whole lot ; some of you-all young bucks must none the less have looked at her in a improper way to start her ghost-dancin like she does. "Enright s eye roves inquirin ly from Boggs to Texas, an even takes in Tutt. Not me ! declar s Texas, plenty fervent ; not me! more n if she s a she rattle snake ! As the husband of Tucson Jennie, ob serves Tutt, his air some haughty which he allers puts on no end of dog whenever he men tions his fam ly as the husband of Tucson Jennie, an the ondoubted father of that public ornament an blessin , little Enright Peet$ Cynihiana, Pet-named Original Sin 71 Tutt, I do not regyard it as up to me to cl ar myse f of no sech charges. " Sam, 5 says Boggs, his voice reproachful, you notes how she makes invidious compar - sons between me an that b ar, an how she beefs the b ar? After which gratooitous slur it s preeposterous to s ppose I d go admirin her or to takin any chances. Then it s you, says Enright, comin round on the puny tenderfoot. Jack, he continyoos, appealin to Jack Moore, who s kettle-tender to the Stranglers, of which arm of jestice En- right is chief Jack, do you reemark any on- toward looks or leers on the part of this yere partic lar prairie dog, calc lated to alarm a maiden of fastidious feelin s? " Sir, breaks in the feeble young tender foot, an all mighty tremyoolous, as shore as my name is Oscar Freelinghuysen I never even glances at that girl. I ain t so much as present iwhile she s issuin her deefiances. I lapses into the Red Light the moment I observes how she s equipped, an Black Jack, the barkeep, will iver fy my words/ All right, warns Enright, plumb severe, you be careful an conduct yourself deecorous. 72 Faro Nell and Her Friends L Wolfville is a moral camp. Thar s things done every day an approved of in Noo York which d get a gent downed in Wolfville. " That Miss Bark mentions she s Woman Suffrage, Sam? observes Boggs, in a question- in* way, as we stands sloppin out a recoopera- tive forty drops in the Red Light. " Shore! replies Enright. The Doc yere can tell you all about em. As I onderstands, they re a warlike bevy of women who voylently resents not bein born men. Thar s one thing, however; I sincerely trusts that none of you young sports 11 prove that forward an onwary as to go callin her by her pet name of Original Sin. Which she might take advantage of it. Them exponents of women s rights is plumb full of the onexpected, that a-way, an it s my belief that all who ain t honin to commit sooi- cide ll be careful an address her as Miss Bark. " Be they many of that Woman Suffrage brand? persists Boggs. " Herds of em, chips in Peets. The East ern ranges is alive with em. But they don t last. As a roole they gets married, an that s gen rally speakin the end of their pernicious Cynihiana, Pet-named Original Sin 73 activ ties. Wedlock is a heap apt to knock their horns off. "Faro Nell, Tucson Jennie an Missis Rucker don t take to this Miss Bark s Woman Suffrage views. She s welcome, says the latter esteemable cook an matron, to her feelin s; but she mustn t come preachin no doctrine to me, wharof the effects is to lower me to Rucker s level. I ve had trouble enough redoocin that ground-hawg to where he belongs, an I ain t goin to sacrifice the work of years for no mere sentiments. Which I shore agrees with you, Missis Rucker, says Nell, lookin up from some plum preeserves she s backin off the noonday board to consider Cherokee, who s settin next ; a woman has enough to do to boss one gent, without tryin to roole broadcast over whole commoonities. "At this exchange of views Cherokee softly grins like a sharp who can see his way through. As for Rucker, who s waitin on the table an packin in viands from the kitchen, he takes it as sullen as a sorehead dog. Personal, I ain t got no use for Rucker; but between us, 74 Faro Nell and Her Friends Missis Rucker, one way an another, does cer tainly oppress him grievous. "Before the week is out we knows a lot more about Miss Bark than we does when she first comes prancin 5 out upon us from Monte s stage. Not that thar s aught ag inst the lady. It s doo to Enright, who begins recollectin things. " Which I knows her pop, explains En* right, now my mem ry s assertin itse f, I knows him when he first comes bulgin into the Pecos Valley, eighteen years ago. This Origi nal Sin daughter an her maw don t show up none till later. Thar s no more innocent form of tenderfoot than Bark ever comes weavin into the Southwest. He s that ig- norantly innocent, wild geese is as wise as ser pents to him. But he s full of a pains- takin energy, all the same, an mighty assid- yoous to learn. " Whatever does he turn to? asks Texas. " He hires out to a peach ranch. An this ll show you how industrious, that a-way, this Bark tarrapin is. The peach ranch party has a measly bunch of sheep. He keeps em nights in a box-tight board corral, so s the Cynihiana, Pet-named Original Sin 75 coyotes can t get to mingle with em none. Days he throws em loose to feed. The first evenin the peach ranch gent tells this yere Bark to corral the sheep, an then come in for supper. "An be shore," says the peach ranch party, "you ets em an * i* 1 " " An hour goes by, an the peach ranch party is about through his feed, when this yere Bark drifts up to the table. His face is flushed, but he s w arin a look of triumph. "I hives em," says he, some exultant; "only one lamb does shore force me to extend myse f a lot. I ll gamble I runs a hundred miles before I rounds him up." 4 Next mornin the peach ranch party goes out to throw loose them sheep. As he cranes his neck over the corral fence to count the bunch he s amazed to see a jack-rabbit galump- in about among em. "Gin ral Jackson fit the English!" he exclaims; "however does that jack-rabbit get himse f mixed in with them sheep?" An he p ints it out to Bark. " That ontootered person is all astonish ment. "Jack-rabbit !" says he. "Why, I hopes next fall to vote the reepublican ticket an die disgraced if I don t put it down for a lamb! 76 Faro Nell and Her Friends That s the anamile which makes me run my laigs off roundin of him up!" Which, as you says, Sam, reemarks Tutt, signin up to Black Jack to set out the bottles, in the face of sech a showin that Bark party must have been plenty ardent. I should shore yell! coincides Boggs. 1 But he learns in time, of course? questions Nell. Learns, Nellie? repeats Enright; it ain t three years before he identifies himse f with the life about him to that degree he bumps off two kyard sharps who tries to cold-deck him in a poker game, an finds besides his steady em ployment stealin old John Chisholm s calves, tharby assistin in plantin the toomultous seed of what comes subsequent to be called the Lin coln County War. What s the finish of this interestin crim - nal? asks Cherokee. Lynched, returns Enright. They puts him over the jump at Seven Rivers. You see this Rattlesnake they calls him Rattlesnake Bark in them later years is bunked down in one of these yere jim-crow, barn-board hotels. Thar s a resoundin form of guest in the ad- Cynthiana, Pet-named Original Sin 77 joinin room, snorin to beat four kings an a ace. Rattlesnake tries poundin on the par tition, an sw arin at him, an callin him a hoss thief. It s no avail. The snores of that boarder sounds like sawin planks, an fa rly rocks the shack they re that stormy. Final, when Rattlesnake s burdens gets to be more n flesh an blood can b ar, he reaches for his .45, an bombards that sleeper good an plenty through the wall. It turns out it s the new jedge. In the mornin , when this joorist is discovered too dead to skin, the public is that mortified it takes Rattlesnake out as soon as breakfast s over, an strings him to a limb. 6 Don t this pore Rattlesnake get no hear- in ? asks Nell. You see, Nellie, Enright explains, what with maverickin the Chisholm calves, an a stage or two hold-up which p ints to him, the close season s been out as to this Rattlesnake person for mighty like a year. Not but what he might have made preperations. Thar s a reeligious party present who asks Rattlesnake if he wants to pray some. "Which you ll cross the dark river all the easier," expounds the ree- 78 Faro Nell and Her Friends ligious gent. But Rattlesnake reefuses his ministrations. "I m what I be," he says; "an as for that dark river you refers to, I ain t lookin for no shallow ford." " This Rattlesnake, continyoos Enright, is iwillin to learn to the last. It s his way. Spring a new game on him an he s out in- stanter lookin for information an advice. That s why he comes on so fast. Thar bein nothin to stand him on for the purpose of bein lynched, the Stranglers posed Rattle snake a-top of a stack of hay, which is heaped up onder the tree they re yootilizin . When the lariat is round his neck, an he s disposed of the reeligious party who attempts to turn the business into a pra r meetin , Rattlesnake looks at the chief of the committee an says, "This yere bein hanged from hay-cocks is plumb new to me entire, an tharfore I m obleeged to ask whether you-all expects me to Sump off or slide?" " Well, comments Jack Moore, drawin a deep breath, the old murderer s game mis guided, mebby, but game. " That may be as it may, observes Boggs, plenty thoughtful, but after all I regyards Cynihiana, Pet-named Original Sin 79 these yere details which Sam onfurls as chiefly; valyooable as sheddin a ray on this Miss Bark. On the chance that she takes after her old man, from now on I m goin to walk round her like she s a swamp. "It s ten days after Miss Bark hits camp that things begins to focus. An old Mexican, the color of a blacksmith s apron, an his wife, who s the same prosaic tint, comes creakin along with a six -mule team two wagons, lead an trail loaded to the gyards with stock an fixtures. Said par fernalia havin arrived, Miss Bark busts in the door of the old deserted Lady Gay, an takes possession. Armstrong, who runs the Noo York store, is the owner of the Lady Gay, but onder the circumstances he allows it d be the act of a barbarian to inter fere. "Besides, the attitoode of the young lady; herse f is plumb discouragin . 4 I d shore admire, she remarks, as, with the aid of her Mexicans, she goes tossin things into p sition, to see some male felon try to run a bluff about him havin title to this Lady Gay structure, an becomin my landlord. Men have tyrannized a heap too long as it is over 80 Faro Nell and Her Friends onprotected women, an thar s one at least who s took in patient silence all she will. "When Miss Bark s organized, she tacks up over the door a sign which the painter at the stage station preepar s. It reads: VOTES FOR WOMEN SALOON 1 Only get it straight, says Miss Bark when she has us close-herded at chuck time in the dinin room of the O. K. Restauraw; I ain t openin this saloon none with a view to sordid gain. I got money enough right now to buy an burn this yere deboshed town of Wolfville, an then prance over an purchase an apply the torch to that equally abandoned outfit, Red Dog. What I m reachin for is the p litical uplift of this camp. Recognizin whiskey as a permanency an that saloons has come to stay, I aims to show folks how them reesorts should be run. I hopes to see the day when every s loon ll be in the hands of ladies. For I holds that once woman controls the nose- paint of the nation the ballot is bound to fol low. Cynthiana, Pet-named Original Sin 81 "Once it s started we-all manages to pat ronize the Votes For Women S loon for a average of three drinks a day. Enright ad vises it as safer. " Otherwise she might resent it, explains Enright, an armed to the teeth like she is, an possessin them perfervid idees, thar s no tell- in whar she d end. "None of us feels like hangin out thar. The atmosphere is too plumb formal. Besides, this yere Miss Bark has rooles. No kyards is per mitted; an , moreover, you ve got to go out doors to sw ar. As to drinks, the soberest among us can t get licker oftener than every other time, while Monte can t get none at all. That Votes For Women S loon, consid ered as a house of call, is, an put it mildest, certainly depressin . "When I speaks of us patronizin Miss Bark for three daily drinks, that a-way, thar s exceptions. Monte, as I states, is barred by the lady personal on the grounds of him bein a slave to drink; while Tutt is forbid by Tucson Jennie. Tutt chafes some at them mandates of Jennie s ; but bein keenly alive as to what s comin to her, as well as what she s 82 Faro Nell and Her Friends cap ble of, in her triple role of woman, wife an mother, he yields. "As for Texas, while he subscribes to them three diurnal drinks, he allers insists that he has company. " It s all right, Texas d say; I ain t inti- matin that this Miss Bark goes cherishin de signs. But it s my onbreakable roole, since them divoice experiences, to never enter the presence of onmarried ladies onless attended by witnesses. "Owin to which, some of us allers trails in along with Texas when he visits the Votes For Women S loon. Even when thus protected he onflaggin ly confines his observations to Licker, Miss, please! an stops thar as dumb as graven images. Once the licker s before him he heaves it into himse f same as if it s drugs, an instantly pulls his freight a heap speedy, breathin hard. An all as scared as a jack-rabbit that s heard the howl of a wolf. "Does Miss Bark go proselytin round con- cernin them Rights of Women? Which she shore does! You may say she omits no op- portoonity. It s before Wolfville gets that ef fete it mixes drinks, an any one who knows Cynihiana, Pet-named Original Sin 83 water from whiskey can tend bar. Wharf ore, Miss Bark stands watch an watch with her old Mexican, Pancho. The times she herse f is min sterin to our needs she s preachin Woman Suffrage incessant. Also, not bein plumb locoed, we bows in concord tharunto. Enright an Peets both concurs that it s the thing to do, an we does it. " * Whatever difference does it make? says Enright ; the price of steers remains the same, three-of-a-kind continyoos to beat two pa r, thar s still fifty-two kyards in a faro deck, an every other law of nacher survives onteched. My notion is to agree with this Miss Bark, verbal, an trust to Wolfville s onbeatable luck to pull us through. "This counsel sounds good to us, an we fol lows it. When Miss Bark sets forth her wom an s rights fulm nations along with her nose- paint, we murmurs a hearty assent, an drinks down both impartial. Boggs, who s motional an easy worked on, even gets to whar he gives it out he s actchooally a convert. "Miss Bark has been on the map for mebby it s a week, then thar occurs a eeposide which, while it makes no profound impression, de- 84 Faro Nell and Her Friends ceased bein a Mexican, shows she ain t packin her pap Rattlesnake s old Colt s .45 in a sperit of facet iousness. It s about third drink time one evenin when thar s the dull roar of a gun from over in the Votes For Women S loon. When we arrives we finds a dead greaser care lessly quiled up near the door, an Miss Bark snappin the empty shell out of her six-shooter. " He was roode, is the only explanation she vouchsafes; an Enright, after lookin at Peets a spell, who s lookin at the ceilin , says it s s fficient. Only, says Enright, when we re all back safe in the Red Light, I sincerely trusts she won t get her hindsights notched up to whar she takes to bumpin off Americanos. I shore don t know whatever in sech case we could do, vig lance committees, in the very essence of their construction, possessin no joorisdiction over ladies. " That s right, Sam, says Peets, plenty grave; if it ever gets to whar this Miss Bark turns her artillery loose on the camp permis cus the only hope left would be to adjourn Wolf- ville sine die "Miss Bark, however, never does grow Cynihiana, Pet-named Original Sin 85 homicidal toward any of us, an the only effect of her puttin that Mexican over is that it in clines folks gen ral to step high an softly on what occasions they re found plantigradin about in her s ciety. "One week, two weeks, three weeks goes by, an since a dead Mexican more or less ain t calc lated to leave no onefface ble scars the in cident is all but forgot, when a second uprisin takes place in the Votes For Women S loon. This time it s that sickly curlew-voiced Oscar .who s the shriekin center of eevents. Most of us is jest filin out of the O. K. Restauraw, pickin our teeth after our matootinal reepast, when we beholds this yere Oscar boilin fo th from the Votes For Women S loon, all sprad dled out. As he goes t arin down the street Miss Bark seelects a graceful p sition in the door, an ca mly pumps three loads at him out of her Winchester. When I says she pumps them bullets at Oscar it s to be took conserv - tive; for none of em hits him, but only tosses up the dust about his flyin feet. At the last shot Oscar cripples down in a shiverin heap; an with that Texas an Boggs, not knowin the extent of his injuries, rolls him onto a 86 Faro Nell and Her Friends blanket an packs him to his room over at the O. K. House, so s Peets can prospect his frame all scientific locatin the lead. "Thar bein no lead, as reelated, Peets ree- ports final to that effect. " Only, says Peets, he s scared up to sech extents that if our Joan of Arc had dusted his gaiters with so much as two more bullets he d have been beyond medical skill. "Followin the foosilade Miss Bark sends for Enright. " It s this way, she goes on, when Enright arrives. That shorthorn Oscar comes lurchin in, an asks for nosepaint. As he stands thar, puttin it onder his belt me meanwhile swab- bin oft" the bar he mentions that his paw s rich, an his step-maw s jest died, leavin him an his paw alone. Then he calls attention to the presence in camp of that strayed sky-pilot, who preaches an passes the hat the other even- in over in the wareroom of the Noo York store. It s now, havin got the bar tittivated to my taste, I has time to look this Oscar per son s way, an I finds him gloatin over me in form an manner not to be mistook. "What ever be you leerin at?" I deemands, bein I m Cynthiana, Pet-named Original Sin 87 in no mood for insults. Tharupon, he cuts loose a mouthful of platitoodes concernin wed lock, an about me bein the soul of his soul. Havin stood it a while, an findin my for bearance makes him worse, I grabs my Win chester whar it s reposin ready for eemergin- cies on the dripboard, an you knows the rest. " With your free consent, Miss, says En- right, I d like to put one query. Was you aimin to down, or to simply skeer this Oscar ? " I was only skeerin him up some, replies Miss Bark coyly. W y, if I was reely out for his skelp, I d have shore got it a heap. You can pin a patch the size of a dollar on that disparin lover s coat, an I l cut it nine times in ten, offhand, at a hundred yards. Tests is not reequired, Enright inter poses, plenty hasty ; it s part of the organic law of this yere camp that a lady s word, even about her age, is to be took onchallenged. "Which I m flattered, says Miss Bark. Now, is thar anything else? Only this, returns Enright. As long as he gives you cause, an you can shoot like you says, why ever don t you down him ? " Which I confesses, says Miss Bark, a 88 Faro Nell and Her Friends blush mantlin her brow, that sech is my orig - nal intentions when I reaches for my weepon. But jest as I sees that Oscar through the sights it comes upon me that thar s nothin in bein preecip tate, an mebby I d better give myse f the needed time to think his offer over. "Enright shakes his wisdom-freighted head; when he relates his talk to Peets, the Doc shakes his head sim lar in sapient yoonison. " Which I ll bet a hatful of yellow chips, says Boggs, who s stood listenin , ag inst a handful of whites, that this yere Miss Bark makes herse f an that Oscar shorthorn man an wife. " Now I wouldn t wonder none, observes Peets, replyin to the look in Enright s eye. That shootin needn t count. A troo affection is freequent boisterous, that a-way. " An in case, says Enright, the kyards do fall in favor of matrimony, it ll most likely be the end of that Votes For Women S loon. I begins to see how this yere ongrateful outfit may yet get deep in debt to that egreegious Oscar. "None of us ever says so, but it s the com mon belief that Texas connives at this yere Cynihiana, Pet-named Original Sin 89 threatened Oscar s escape. In any case, the next mornin Oscar goes catfoot out of the O. K. House before folks is up, an takes to hid- in out. The fact is he s layin for Monte an the stage, about ten mile no th of camp. Leastwise, he s thar a heap when Monte comes along, an deemands that he be took up an carried to Tucson. "It ain t first drink time before this Oscar s missed, an by second drink time the news has drifted over to Miss Bark. It s Peets who in forms her, an he tells us, when reelatin the incident, that the way that deeserted lady knits her brow is a caution to philos phers. So, she says at last, that onmitigated see- doocer thinks to leave me in this heartless way. He ll find before he s through that it s no light matter to charm into fervent life a love like mine. " It s the theery, Miss, says Peets, of the best minds in camp that this Oscar s hit the Tucson trail afoot, with a plan of headin off the stage. "Ten minutes an Miss Bark is in the saddle, a lead pony gallopin by her side, in hot pur- soote of the dir lect. 90 Faro Nell and Her Friends " That lead pony looks om nous, Doc, ob serves Enright, as the two stands watchin Miss Bark s departure. " It s prov dential, remarks Peets, as he heads the procession to the Red Light, that that sky-pilot s aboard the stage. Which he ought to work in plumb handy. "Six hours later Miss Bark comes surgin in with her Oscar foogitive, his heels tied onder the belly of the lead boss. Any one can see by his benumbed expression that he s a married man. The two heads straight for the Votes For Women S loon, an after boltin her new he pmeet into the back room, Miss Bark takes a peek in the glass, pats down her ha r, an goes behind the bar as yoosual. " Yes, she replies, an all a heap modest an artless, as Peets an Enright actin on behalf of the camp gyardedly inquires if they re to offer congratulations, I reckon you may. An the best part is that my dear Oscar s so plumb ready an willin . Which I never knows a bridegroom, gents, who gets married with so little struggle. " How soon, Missis Freelinghuysen, says Cynthiana, Pet-named Original Sin 91 Peets, do you-all reckon on lettin this Oscar husband out? " Oh, she returns, as soon as ever it s safe. Jest now he s some onstrung; but in a day or two I figger he ll begin to get reeconciled to his bliss. An at that, my main idee in lockin him up is one of reeform rather than restraint. Oscar s been over-drinkin himse f of late ; an I aims to get the whiskey out of him, so as I can form some reas nable estimate of how much of a husband that a-way I ve done roped up. " Is thar any objections, asks Enright, to our visitin this modern pris ner of Chillon? We binds ourselves to say nothin that ll fret him, or set him to beatin his life out ag inst the bars. " W y, shore, she replies, you-all is quite welcome. I only hopes you ll teach him to look at things in their proper light. It ain t so much, says this Oscar hus band, when Enright an Peets calls upon him in his captivity, that I ve been hurried, on- regyardful of my feelin s, into the married state. But, gents, my parent is doo, accordin to his last letter, to come curvin in yere any 92 Faro Nell and Her Friends minute; an whatever do you-all reckon now he s goin to say? "Enright an Peets is so moved they prom ises the imprisoned Oscar their support, an this leaves him, if not hopeful, at least some cheered. "Monte gives his version of them nuptials when he returns from Tucson. Which it s this a-way, pards, says Monte. I m twenty miles no th of yere, when some- thin flashes by with a lead hoss, like arrows. Thinks I, "That s a hoss thief gettin away with some stock"; an , allowin Jack Moore ll be hard on his neefarious hocks, I m lookin back to see can I raise Jack s dust. The next I knows, an all as sudden as a pan of milk from a top shelf, I hears a silv ry voice remark- in : "Set your brake!" an turnin my head I finds a Winchester p intin as squar between my eyes as you-all could lay your finger. Gents, thar s something mighty cogent about a Winchester that a-way/ an I shore shoves on the brake with sech abandon I snaps the shank short off. " Wharever is this Oscar party? asks En- right. IT S YOU, OSCAR, THAT I WANT," OBSERVES MISS BARK. "l CONCLOODES, UPON SOBER SECOND THOUGHT, TO ACCEPT YOUR OFFER OF MARRIAGE." p. 93. Cynthiana, Pet-named Original Sin 93 * He s with me on the box; an when this yere intrepid Miss Bark takes to dom neerin at us with that rifle he collapses. "It s you, Oscar," observes this Miss Bark, shiftin the muzzle to him. "Upon second thought I concloods to accept your offer of mar riage." Which at that crisis, remarks Peets, this Oscar of course breaks into loud an joyful cries. Not exactly. In fact, his tones if any thing is some low-sperited. "I takes it," he says, when he s able to command his feelin s, "that you declines them proffers with your Winchester at the time when made." But the lady dismisses this as a quibble, an merely sayin that she won t be paltered with no farther, orders Oscar an the Bible sharp who s ridin inside to assemble by the edge of the trail. The Bible sharp attempts to lay the foundations of fresh objections by askin Oscar does he do this of his own free will; but the muzzle of the Winchester which the bride all along reetains in her hands begins movin round in his direction, observin which man - festation he pronounces em husband an wife. 94 Faro Nell and Her Friends "What heaven has j ined together," says he, "let no man put asunder." After which he blesses em, an reeports the last cinch fastened. "Pay him, Oscar," whispers the bride. Whar- upon Oscar, his fingers tremblin , squars the Bible sharp with the price of a brace of steers, an the deed is done. Now he s hers for better or worse, she ropes his heels together onder the belly of her lead boss, an the happy pa r goes romancin back for Wolfville, while I kicks loose what s left of the brake an p ints out ag in for Tucson. "On the third day, by givin his parole an promising to fondly reeport to his spouse once every hour, Oscar is permitted to go reecreatin about the camp. " Only, says the lady, by way of warnin to Black Jack, thar s to be no drinks. "These yere strained conditions preevails for mebby it s five days, when, as the stage swings in to the post office one evenin , a stout florid old gent gets out. He comes puffin up to Peets a heap soopercilious. " Do you-all know a addle-pated an semi- eediotic young party, says he, who s named Oscar Freelinghuysen? Cynthiana, Pet-named Original Sin 95 " Why, yes, returns Peets, I do. Onless my mem ry s pulled its picket pin an gone plumb astray he s the eboolient sharp who eon- clooded a somewhat toomultuous courtship last week by gettin married. He s in the shank of his honeymoon as we stands chattin yere. "The florid gent glares at Peets, his fea- chures the color of liver, his eyes stickin out like the eyes of a snail. " Married ! he gasps, an falls in a apoplec tic fit. "It takes a week an all the drugs Peets has got before that apoplectic s able to sit up an call for nosepaint. An whatever do you think? His daughter-in-law, but onbeknownsts to him as sech, nurses him from soda to hock. Oscar Joonior? By advice of Enright that prodigal s took to cover over in Red Dog ontil we ve made shore about the fatted calf. "The former Miss Bark puts up that nurs- in game with Peets, an day an night she hangs over her apoplectic father-in-law like a painter over a picture. She s certainly as cun- nin as a pet fox! She dresses as quiet as a quail an makes her voice as softly sober as a 96 Faro Nell and Her Friends suckin dove s. In the end she s got that pa tient hypnotized. "After Peets declar s him out of danger, an all propped up in his blankets he s subscribed to mighty likely it s the fifth drink, the apo plectic begins to shed tears a heap prof oose, an relate to his nurse the former Miss Bark how his two wives has died, leavin him a lonely man. She, the former Miss Bark, is his only friend he says an he winds up his lamen tations by recommendin that she become his third. " You re the only hooman heart who ever onderstands me, he wails, gropin for her hand, an now my ongrateful boy has con tracted a messalliance I shore wants you for my wife. "She hangs her head like a flower at night, an lets on she s a heap confoosed. " Speak, he pleads; tell me that you ll be mine. "Which I d shore admire to, but I can t, she murmurs; I m wedded to your son. "The old apoplectic asks for more licker in a dazed way, an sends for Peets. The Doc an Cynihiana, Pet-named Original Sin 97 him goes into execyootive session for most an hour; meanwhile the camp s on edge. "At the close the Doc eemerges plumb radi ant. Everything s on velvet, he says ; thar s never a more joodicious convalescent. He freely admits, considerin the sort of daughter- in-law he s acquired, that Oscar has more sense than folks suspects. "Now that the skies is cl ared, the bride groom is fetched back from Red Dog, an thar s a grand reeconciliation. " We ll all go back East together, sobs father-in-law Freelinghuysen, holdin both their hands. "Two days later they starts, Missis Free linghuysen Joonier lookin after father-in-law Freelinghuysen same as if he s a charlotte roosse. "The Votes For Women S loon? "It s kept a secret, at Feet s su gestion, him bein apoplectic that a-way. The stock is bought by public subscription of the camp, an* when the Freelinghuysen household is out of sight an hearin we invites Red Dog over in a body an onbelts in a mod rate orgy. The sign, 98 Faro Nell and Her Friends * Votes For Women S loon, is now preeserved in the custody of the Wolfville Historical So ciety, which body is called into active bein upon motion of Peets, while Red Dog an us is drinkin up the stock." IV OLD MONTE, OFFICIAL DRUNKARD "Shore; Monte s the offishul drunkard of Arizona." The old cattleman was answer ing my question. "Or, seem that mebby Wolfville s joorisdiction won t be held none to reach beyond, let s say the offishul drunkard of Cochise County. That s Monte s civic desig nation; offishul drunkard, an meant to fix his social place. "Does he resent it? "Which he proudly w ars that title like it s a kingly crown! It s as good as even money that to ondertake to sep rate him from it, or deny the same, is the one single thing he bris tles up at an give you a battle over. "Which this yere last should mean a heap, since Monte s plumb pacific by nacher, an abhors war to the mean confines of bein timid. To be shore, he ll steam at the nose, an paw the sod, an act like he s out to spread rooin far an wide that he s doo to leave everything 99 100 Faro Nell and Her Friends in front of him on both sides of the road. But in them perf ervid man f estations he don t reely intend nothin either high or heenious, or more n jest to give his se f -respect an outing that a- way. Let the opp sition call him down, an the crafty old cimmaron ll go to the dis- kyard instanter. "Which at that, Monte ain t without his interestin side. When onder the inflooence of nosepaint, which last is constant, he has three distinct moods. About the fo th drink, let a stranger show up, an all aff ble an garyoolous Monte s right thar to do the honors. When the stranger, gettin weary, kicks Monte off him, the same bein shore to happen final since no one formed in the image of his Maker can put up with them verbal imbeciFties of his beyond a given len th of time, he ll arch his back an apparently wax that f rocious a wronged grizzly to him is as meek as milk. An yet, as I tells you, it s simply a blazer; an the moment the exasper ated stranger begins betrayin symptoms of goin to a showdown, Monte lapses into his third mood of haughty silence, an struts off like it s beneath him to bandy words. Old Monte, Official . Dnmkard 101 "That s the savin clause in Monte s con- stitootion; he may get drunk, but he never gets injoodicious. Thar s a sport from some- ers over round Shakespear in the dance hall one evenin , whose patience has been plenty treespassed on by Monte. By way of bringin 5 matters to a deecisive head, this yere Shakespear party tells Monte he s a liar. Do you reckon Monte hooks up with him? Not a chance! He simply casts on that ma- ligner from Shakespear a look of disparage ment, an with nose held high, as markin his contempt, moves away with the remark. That s something I refooses to discuss with you. "Which thar s no more real p isin in Monte than in a hired girl. "We has the chance once to try some ex periments on Monte, an it s the mistake of our lives we don t. Peets, whose regrets is scientific, feels speshully acoote. Thar s a par- tic lar bar l of nosepaint gets trundled into camp, which is nothin short of bein the con densed essence of hostility. Black Jack, after years as barkeep, says himse f he never sees nothin like it. On the hocks of two drinks, 102 Faro Nell and Her Friends folks gets that ornery Enright has it freighted back to Tucson in alarm, f earin for the peace of the camp. At the time, none of us thinks of it; but later it s a subject of gen ral regret that some of it ain t saved to try on Monte. Mebby that speshul brand of licker turns out to be the missin ingreedient, an keys him up to deeds of heroism. "Jest to show you some of the milder work- in s of that licker. Boggs files away four inches of it onder his belt, an next, when he s walkin by the corral an meets a Mexican, he reaches out in a casyooal an abstracted way, collars that Greaser an hefts him over a six- foot dobe fence, same as if he s a bag of bran ; an all apropos of nothin . Boggs says himse f he don t know why none. He s thinkin of something else at the time, he declar s, an the eepisode don t leave no partic lar traces on his mem ry. The trooth is, it s that veehement an onmuzzled nosepaint, incitin him to voylence. "Is the Mexican hurt? "Which, if I remembers rightly, Peets does mention about a busted collarbone. But it don t create no interest him bein a Mexican. You see, thar s a feelin , amountin fa rly to a Old Monte, Official Drunkard 103 onwritten law, that Mexicans ain t got no rightful call to be seen in public no how; an when one does go pirootin round permiscus, in voylation of this yere tenet, nacherally he takes his chances. You-all can gamble, though, that Boggs shore never would have reached for him, only he s actchooated by that whiskey. "As modest an retirin a sperit as Cherokee, to whom any form of boastful bluff is plumb reepellant, subscribes to a mod rate snifter of that licker; an in less time than it takes to rope a pony, he s out in front of the Red Light, onbucklin in a display of pistol shoot- in . Thar s a brace of towerists in camp, an Cherokee let s on he ll show em. Which he shore shows em! He tosses two tomatter cans on high, an with a gun in each hand keeps em dancin an jumpin about in the atmosphere ontil thar s six bullets through each. It s a heap satisfyin as a performance, as far as them pop-eyed towerists is concerned, an both leaves town that evenin by speshul buckboard. "Onaffected by that licker, Cherokee wouldn t have no more gone an made sech a spectacle of himse f, though urged tharunto by the yoonanimous voice of the outfit. When 104 Faro Nell and Her Friends he so far recovers as to ppreeciate what Faro Nell has to say of them exploits an , while tender, she s plenty explicit he comes mighty clost to blushin himse f to death. "It s after we notes what it does to Cher okee, an hears of them exhibitions of broote force by Boggs, that we gets timid about this yere whisky, an Enright orders the bar l sent back. An right he is! S ppose them Red Dogs was to have come prancin over for a so cial call, an s ppose in entertainin em we all inadvertent has recourse to that partic lar licker, whatever do you-all reckon d have been the finish? Son, thar d have been one of them things they calls a eatyclism, an nothin short. "It s shore a fightin form of licker. Tutt reeserves out a tin cup of it, an sets it down by a prairie dog s hole. Accordin to Tutt, the dog comes out, laps it once, an starts back same as if he s been shot with a 45. Thar he squats, battin his eyes, wrinklin up his nose, an cogitatin . After thinkin the thing over, the dog approaches, mighty gingerly, an takes three or four more laps. Then he r ars back, an considers for quite a spell. It looks final like he gets his mind made up, an with Old Monte, Official Drunkard 105 that he capers over, an he ps himse f to what for a prairie dog is shore a big drink. "Two minutes later, ha r bristlin , whiskers standin out like wire, eyes full of determina tion, that dog crosses over to another dog who s livin neighbor to him, an says accord- in to Tutt: " Wharever can I locate that coyote who s been domineerin round yere for mebby it s a month, harassin folks into their holes? Whar s that coyote at? "Peets allers allows Tutt exaggerates, but bavin* sampled that licker some myse f, I m a long ride from bein so shore. "That lack of war instinct in Monte ain t no speecific drawback. Him drivin stage that a-way, he ain t expected none to fight. The hold-ups onderstands it, the company on- derstands it, everybody onderstands it. It s the law of the trail. That s why, when the stage is stopped, the driver s never downed. Which if thar s money aboard, an the express outfit wants it defended, they slams on some sport to ride shotgun that trip. It s for this shotgun speshulist to give the route agents an argyooment. Which they re licensed to go 106 Faro Nell and Her Friends bombardin each other ontil the goin down of the sun. As for the driver, however, the eti- kette simply calls for him to set his brake, an all peaceful hold his hands above his head. It s inside his rights, too, accordin to the rooles, for him to cuss out the holdups, an call em all the hard names of which he s cap ble; an stage drivers, who loves their art, spends their time between drinks practisin new cuss words, an inventin onheard of epithets, so as to be ready when dooty an o casion calls. Havin downed or driven off the shotgun sport, an seen the bottom of the express box, the hold ups tells the stage driver to pull his freight. Wharupon he picks up the reins, kicks free the brake, lets fly a loorid an final broadside of vitooperation he havin carefully reeserved the same, by way of peroration an goes his windin way. "Wolfville s been on the map for most a year, when Monte first shows up. In the beginnin , an ontil we-all gets adjusted to him, he s something of a bore. Leastwise, he ain t what you d go so far as to call a boon companion. When it dawns on us that he s plottin to make himse f a permanency, it cer- Old Monte, Official Drunkard 107 tainly does look for a spell that, what with his consumption of nosepaint an* what with his turrific genius for snorin , he s goin to be a trifle more n we can stand. "Does Monte snore? "Not to create ondoo excitement, the bar - foot onclothed trooth is that his snorin falls nothin short of bein sinful. Boggs has plenty; of countenance when he brings them snores to the attention of Enright. " "Thar s shore a limit somewhar, Sam/ Boggs says, to this yere drunkard s right to snore. Which he s simply keepin everybody over to the O. K. House settin up. Onless something s done to check him, thar ll be a epi demic of St. Vitus dance. You ask Doc Peets ; he ll tell you that this yere Monte with his snorin is a scourge. "It s not alone their volume, but their qual ity, which makes them snores of Monte so ondesir ble. Some folks snores a heap depre catory, an like they re apol gizin for it as they goes along. Others snores in a manner ca mly confident, an all as though the idee that any gent objects would astonish em to death. Still others snores plumb deefiant, an like they 108 Faro Nell and Her Friends ain t snorin so much for comfort, that a-way, as to show their contempt for mankind. It s to this yere latter hostile school that drunkard, Monte, belongs. "After Boggs lodges complaint, Enright takes a corrective peek into the sityooation. Thar s two rooms over the O. K. kitchen, sort o off by themselves. Upon Enright s hint, Missis Rucker beds down Monte in one, an Deef Andy, who mends harness for the stage company an can t hear nothin , in the other. 6 It s for the safety of your excellent car- vansary, Ma am, Enright explains. Which Dan s mighty easy moved; an some mornin , onless you adopts them improvements, that somnolent sot you re harborin 11 go too far with Dan. I takes it you-all don t want the shack all smoked up with Dan s six-shooter? In which event you ll put that reverberant drunkard in the far-corner room, with Andy next. "Peets once mentions a long-ago poet party, named Johnson, who, speakin of a fellow poet after he s dead an down onder the grass-roots, lets on that he teches nothin he don t adorn. Old Monte, Official Drunkard 109 You can go your ultimate simoleon that ain t Monte s style. The only things he don t upset is bottles ; the only flooid he never spills is licker. This yere last would be ag inst his religion. Wharever he goes, he s otherwise draggin his rope, an half the time he s step- pin on it. "It s him that coaxes that onhappy Polish picture painter our way. This yere is long after he s drivin stage, an as Wolfville s offi- shul drunkard becomes a tol rated feachure of the camp. This Polish artist person is as much out o place in Arizona as a faro layout at a Sunday school picnic. Monte crosses up with him over at Tucson in the Oriental S loon, an while thar s no ties between em, more n what nacherally forms between two gents who sets drinkin together all night long, before ever they re through with each other that inspired inebriate lands the locoed artist party on our hands. Enright shore does go the limit in rebookin Monte. " Why, Sam, says Monte, an he s that depreecatory he whines, *I allows you ll look on him as a acquisition. " All the same, returns Enright, an I 110 Faro Nell and Her Friends never knows him more forbidding yereafter please confine your annoyin assidooities to drivin stage, an don t go tryin to improve the outlook of this camp. "Monte, with this, gets that dismal he sheds tears. Which it shore looks like I can t do nothin right, he sobs. " Then don t, says Enright. "From the start, Monte graves himse f upon the mem ry of folk as the first sport, to enroll his blankets in Cochise County, who consoomes normal over twenty drinks a day. Upon festal occasions like Noo Year s, an Christmas, an Fo th of Jooly, an Thanks- givin , no gent who calls himse f a gent thinks of keepin tabs on a fellow gent, no matter how freequent he signs up to Black Jack. On gala o casions, sech as them noted, the bridle is plumb off the hoss, an even though you drinks to your capac ty an some beyond, no one s that vulgar as to go makin remarks. But that ain t Monte; he s different a heap. It looks like every day is Fo th of Jooly with him, he s that inveterate in his reemorseless hankerin for nosepaint. "Also, regyarded as to his social side, Old Monte, Official Drunkard 111 Monte, as I states former, is a nooisance. Knowin folks, too, is his fad. Only so you give him licker enough, he ll go surgin round accostin every gent he sees. No matter how austere a stranger is, Monte ll tackle him. An at that he never says nothin worth hear- in , an in its total absence of direction his con versation resembles nothin so much as a dog chasin its tail. "An then thar s them footile bluffs he s al- lers tryin to run. He s been pesterin in an out of the Red Light one evenin ontil he s got Black Jack incensed. As he comes squander- in along, for say the twentieth time, Black Jack groans, an murmurs, Yere s that booze-soaked old hossthief ag in! "Monte gets the echo of it, same as folks allers does when it ain t wanted, but he s enable to say who. So he stands thar by the bar, glarin round an snortin . Final, he roars : Who cuts loose that personally ? "Thar ain t no answer, an Monte ag in takes to pitchin on his rope. " Show me the galoot who insults me, he 112 Faro Nell and Her Friends roars ; let him no longer dog it, but p int him- se f out as the gent. " All right/ says Black Jack, whose indig nation gets the best of his reespons bilities as barkeep, which I m the party who alloodes to you as a booze-soaked old hossthief. " An so you re the gent, says Monte, castin a witherin glance at Black Jack; so you re the would-be sooicide who calls me a booze-soaked old hossthief ? " Which I m the identical stingin lizard. Now what is it you re so plumb eager to say? What am I eager to say? I merely wants to remark that you ain t done nothin to swell up over. You-all needn t go thinkin you re the first barkeep who calls me a booze-soaked old hossthief. "Havin la nched this yere, Monte turns off as stiffly pompous as though he ain t left a grease-spot of Black Jack. "When folks won t listen to him no longer, Monte goes bulgin forth into the highways an the byways, an holds long an important discussions with signs, an dry-goods boxes, an sim lar inan mate elements of the landscape. Also, to mules an burros. I remarks him my- Old Monte, Official Drunkard 113 se f, whisperin in the onregyardful y ear of a burro, an said anamile as sound asleep as a tree. When that drunkard s through his con fidences, he backs off, an wavin his paw plumb myster ous at the burro says : * Remember, now; I m givin you this yere p inter as a friend. "That time Black Jack offends Monte, after the latter hits the sidewalk f ollowin what he clar ly considers is his crushin come-back on Black Jack, he gets the feelin that Jack s ha ntin along on his trail. Before he s gone fifty foot, he w irls about, an shouts: * Don t you-all follow me! Which, if you crowds me, them places that has knowed you won t know you no more forever. "When Monte gets off this menace, it seems like the Black Jack specter becomes in- tim dated, an tries to squar itse f. " What s that? Monte asks, after listen- in mighty dignified to the spook s excuses; you begs my pardon? Not another word. If you-all keeps on talkin now you ll sp ile it. Thar s my hand, givin the fingers of the phantom a mighty earnest squeeze. I m your friend, an that goes. 114 Faro Nell and Her Friends "Havin 5 established a peace, Monte in sists that the Black Jack phantom b ar him company to the O. K. Restauraw. In spite of all Missis Rucker can say or do, he plants the spook at the table, feeds it on the best that s in the kitchen, an all as confident as if it s shorely troo. Also, he insists on payin for two. "When Missis Rucker tries to show him he s down wrong, he refooses to have it that way. " Do you-all reckon, Ma am, that I can t trust my eyes none? he demands. Which you ll tell me next that them airtights I tops of with is figments. " But thar s only one of you-all, Missis Rucker persists. " Ma am, returns Monte, his manner plumb s picious, I don t jest quite sense your little game. Whatever it is, however, you-all can t play it on old Monte. You write back to my fam ly an the neighbors, an the least flatterin among em ll tell you that I m as cunnin as a squinch owl. Thar s two of us who feeds, an for two of us I settles. Bein a woman, you re too f eeble-witted for reason, too mendacious for trooth. Old Monte, Official Drunkard 115 " Don t you go callin me no woman, says Missis Rucker, her eyes snappin , onless you re ready to cash in. " Women! repeats Monte, sort o ad- dressin the scenery, but still plenty cynical, what be they except a fleetin show to man s deloosion given. Also, thar s nothin to em. You opens their front door, an you re in their back yard. "Texas has been givin y ear to the talk. It s before his Laredo wife starts ropin for that divorce; but she s already makin war medicine, an the signs an signal smokes which p int to an uprisin is vis ble on every hill. Texas is careful not to let Missis Rucker hear him none, but as he walks away, he mutters : " That ghost-seein sport s got the treemors, but all the same I strings with him on them estimates of ladies. "Texas is that fav rably affected about Monte, he talks things over with Tutt, who himse f ain t married to Tucson Jennie none as yet. Them nuptials, an that onbiased bles- sin , little Enright Peets Tutt, who results tharfrom, comes along later. 116 Faro Nell and Her Friends " Which thar s good in that Monte maver ick, says Texas; only so we could get the nosepaint out of him. " Now, I wouldn t wonder none, neither, says Tutt. " He drinkt up two quarts an a half yes terday, says Texas. Ain t thar no steps which can be took? Tutt asks. Two quarts an a half, though, shore sounds like he s somethin of a prop si- tion. "These yere remarks is made in the Red Light, an Tutt an Texas appeals to Chero kee, whar that courtier of fortune is settin in behind his lay-out. Cherokee waves em off, p lite but firm. " Don t ask me none, he says. You-all knows my doctrines. Let every gent kill his own snakes. " That s my theology, remarks Boggs, who has just come ramblin in from the Noo York store, whar he s been changin in a bundle of money for shirts; I recalls how, when I m a prattlin yearlin , hearin Parson Ed ards of the Cambellite Church quotin whar Cain gives it out cold that he s not his brother s keeper; Old Monte, Official Drunkard 117 an even at that onthinkin age I fully endorses Cain s p sition. "The talk takes in Black Jack, who, by vir- choo of him bein a barkeep, nacherally savvys a heap about the licker question. Jack reelates how a sot he knows back in Arkansaw is shocked into never takin a drink, by simply blowin his hand off accidental while tanked up. Whang! goes the old Betsy, says Jack, an that slave to licker s shy his left hand. "Which it lets me out!" he exclaims; an datin from said catastrophy he d no more tech nose- paint, that a-way, than he d join the church. " But it s doubtful, observes Tutt, if En- right stands to let us shoot this yere Monte drunkard s hand off. " It s ten to one he won t, says Texas; still thar ought to be other schemes for shockin a party into moral ty, which stops short o crip- plin him for life. But is this yere inebriate worth the wor ry? asks Boggs. Also, it shore strikes me as mighty gratooitous for us to go reorganizin the morals of a plumb stranger, an him not even asked. 118 Faro Nell and Her Friends Which he s worth the worry all right, Texas replies. Thar s no efforts too great, when thar s a chance to save a party who has the same thorough onderstandin of ladies which this gent has. "Up over the Red Light bar is a stuffed bobcat, the same bein held as decorative. Only the day before Texas and Tutt stands talking a couple of Enright s riders comes packin a live bobcat into town, which between em they ropes up over in the foothills of the Tres Hermanas, an jams labor ously into a pa r of laiggin s. The same idee seizes on Texas an Tutt yoonanimous. They sees that it only calls for the intelligent use of that Bar-8 bobcat, which them cow-punchers of Enright s ties down, to reegen rate Monte, an make him white as snow. "Monte s ain t present none, bein over to the O. K. House. By bein plumb pains- takin , Tutt an Texas gets a collar onto the captive Bar-8 bobcat, an chains him up over the Red Light bar, in place of the stuffed bob cat, deeposed. The Bar-8 bobcat jumps off once or twict before he learns, an comes mighty clost to lynchin himse f. But Black A COUPLE OF ENRIGHT S RIDERS COMES A PACKIN A LIVE BOB-CAT INTO TOWN. p, 118. Old Monte, Official Drunkard 119 Jack is patient, an each time pokes him back with a cha r. After mebby the third jump, it gets proned into the bobcat that thar s noth- in in it for him to go hurlin himse f into space that a-way, an bein saved from death by hangin only through the cha r-laig meditations of Black Jack. Acceptin this yere view, he stands pat on his shelf. Likewise, he shore looks mighty vivid up thar, an has got that former stuffed predecessor of his beat four ways from the jack. "We re hankerin around, now the Bar-8 bobcat s organized, waitin for Monte to come amblin up, an be reformed. " An you can gamble, Tutt says, that the shock it ll throw into him ll have a ben ficial effect. Shootin off a hand or so ain t in it with the way that drunkard s goin to feel. That s the way I figgers, Texas remarks. One glance at that bobcat, him on the verge of the treemors, an thar ll a thrill go through his rum-soaked frame like the grace of heaven through a camp meetin . For one, I antic - pate most excellent effects. Whatever do you think, Doc? " Whatever do I think? Peets repeats. 120 Faro Nell and Her Friends Which I thinks that, as the orig nators of this yere cure for the licker habit, it ll be up to you an Dave to convey the patient to his room at the O. K. House, as soon as ever you can control his struggles. "Monte at last heaves in sight, an comes shiverin up to the bar, every nerve as tight as a fiddle string. Black Jack shoves him the bottle. " What stuffed anamile sharp, says Tutt, craftily directin himself at Black Jack, mounts that bobcat up thar? "Monte nacherally raises his eyes. Thar s that Bar-8 feline, half-crouched, glarin down on him with green eyes, big as moons. "That settles it. * "Monte gives a yell which they hears in Red Dog. Wharupon the bobcat, takin it for a threatenin deemonstration, enfolds in an an- swerin yell, an makes a scramblin jump at Monte s head. Shore, he don t land none, bein brought up short, like a roped pony. Thar he swings, cussin an spittin an clawin , as mad as a drunken squaw, an begins all over to hang himse f afresh. "Monte? Old Monte, Official Drunkard 121 "That victim of appetite falls to the floor as dead an flat as a wet December leaf. "Actin on them instructions, Tutt an Texas picks Monte up an packs him across to Peets, who, after fussin over him for mebby an hour, brings him round s fficient so he goes from one convulsion into another, in what you-all might deescribe as an endless chain of fits. Thar s nothin to it; Peets is indoobitable the best equipped drug sharp that ever breaks loose in Arizona. At that, while Monte lives, he don t but jest. He s shore close enough at one time to kingdom come to hear the singin . "For two weeks Monte s boilin an boundin round in his blankets, Texas an Tutt, feelin a heap reemorseful, standin watch and watch. It s decided that no more attempts to reform him will be made, him bein accordin to Peets too far gone that a-way. "He s plumb onreform ble, explains Peets; whiskey s got to be so much a second nacher with him, that the only way you-all could cure him now is kill him. "By way of partial rep ration for what he 122 Faro Nell and Her Triends suffers, as soon as Monte can ag in move about, Enright calls a meetin of the camp, an dooly commissions him Offishul Drunkard, with a absoloote an non-reevok ble license to go as far as he likes. " This yere post of offishul drunkard/ En- right explains to the meetin , carries with it no money, no power, an means only that he s free to drink from dark to daylight an to dark ag in, oncriticized, onreproved, an on- saved. Colonel Sterett imparts to us in the last Daily Coyote how them Hindoos has their sacred cobras. Cobras not bein feas ble none in Arizona, Wolfville in loo of sech accepts old Monte. Yereafter, w arin the title of offishul drunkard, he takes his place in the public re- gyard as Wolfville s sacred cobra. "When Monte learns of his elevation, his eyes fills up with gratified pride, an as soon as ever he s able to stand the w ar an far, he goes on a protracted public drunk, by way of cel bration, while we looks tol rantly on. Gents, he says, I thanks you. Yereafter the gnawin tooth of conscience will be dulled, havin your distinguished endorsement so to do. Virchoo is all right in its place. But so Old Monte, Official Drunkard 123 is vice. The world can t all be good an safe at one an the same time. Which if we all done right, an went to the right, we d tip the world over. Half has got to do wrong an go to the left, to hold things steady. That s me; I was foaled to do wrong an go to the left. It s the only way in which a jealous but inscroot ble Providence permits me to serve my hour. Offi- shul drunkard! Ag in I thanks you. Which this yere s the way I long have sought, an mourned because I found it not, long meter. "Boggs is the only gent who takes a gloomy; view. " that s fine for this yere egreegious Monte, says Boggs, talkin to Enright; as Wolfville s pet drunkard an offishul cobra, he s mighty pleasantly provided for. But how about the camp? Whar does Wolfville come in? We re a strong people; but does any gent pretend that we possesses the fortitoode ree- quired to b ar up through all the comin rum- soaked years? an all onder the weight of this yere onmatched inebriate, whom by our own act an as offishul drunkard, we onmuzzles in our shrinkin midst? Gents, this thing can t 124 Faro Nell and Her Friends " Not necessar ly, Dan, retorts Enright, his manner trenchin on the cold; not neces sar ly. Let me expound the sityooation. I need not remind you-all that Sand Creek Riley, who drives the Tucson stage, gets bumped off the other evenin , while preepos- terously insistin that aces-up beats three-of-a- kind. Realizin the trooth of half what you has said, Dan, I this evenin enters into strate gic reelations with the stage company s agent ; an as a reesult, an datin from now on, old Monte will be hired to fill the place of Sand Creek Riley, whom we all regrets. It s hardly reequired that I p int out the benefits of this yere arrangement. As stage driver, old Monte for every other night will get sawed off on Tucson. An I mis j edges the vitality of this camp if, with the pressure on it thus re lieved, an Tucson carryin half the load, it s enable to live through. In my opinion, Dan, by the light of this explanation, you at least oughter hope for the best. " That s whatever! says Boggs, who s plumb convinced; if I d waited ontil you was heard, Sam, I d never voiced them apprehen sions. But the fact is, this yere Monte cobra Old Monte, Official Drunkard 125 of ours, with his bibbin s an his guzzlin s, has redooced me to a condition of nervous prostra tion. It s all right now. Which I will say, however, that I can t reeflect none without a shudder on what them Tucson folks ll say an think, so soon as ever they wakes up to what s been played on em. " HOW THE MOCKING BIRD WAS WON "Myst ries? "We lives surrounded by em. Look whar you will, nacher has a ace buried. Take dogs, now: Why is it when one of em, daylight or dark, cuts the trail of a anamile, he never makes the fool mistake of back-trackin it, but is shore to run his game the way it s movin ? There must be some kind of head-an -tail to the scent, that a-way, to give the dog the hunch. Myst ry! all myst ry! The more a gent goes messin round for s lootions, the more he s taught hoomility an that he ain t knee-high to toads. "An yet when it comes to things myster ous everything else is bound to go to the diskyard compared to a lady s heart. Of course, I Speaks only in a sperit of philos phy, an not as one who s suffered. I never myse f am able pers nal to approach closter to a lady s heart than across the street. Peets once reemarks 126 How the Mocking Bird Was Won 127 that all trails leads to Rome. In that busi ness of trails a lady s heart has got Rome left standin sideways. Not only does every trail lead tharunto, but thar s sech a thing as goin cross-lots. Take gettin in love; thar s as many ways as cookin eggs. While you ll see gents who goes skallyhootin into that dulcet condition as straight as a arrer, thar s others who sidles in, an still others who backs in. I even knows a boy who shoots his way in. "Which the lady in this case is the Mockin* Bird. That Mockin Bird maiden has wooers by onbounded scores, but holds herse f as shy an as much aloof as if she s a mountain sheep. Not one can get near enough to her to give her a ripe peach. Along comes the eboolient Tur key Track, bulges headlong into her dest nies, takes to menacin at her with a gun an , final, to bombardin her outright, an love an heart an hand she comes a-runnin . "Wolfville s without that last evidence of advancement, a callaboose. It bein incon venient to shoot up or lynch everybody who infringes our rooles, Jack Moore invents a convincin but innocuous punishment for minor offenders. Endorsed by Enright, he estab- 128 Faro Nell and Her Friends lished a water trough it s big enough to swim a dog over by the windmill; an when some perfervid cowpuncher, sufferin from a over dose of nosepaint, takes to aggravatin round Moore swashes him about in the trough some prof oose, ontil he gives his word to live a hap pier an a better life. "It s like magic the way that water trough works. No matter how gala some pronghorn of a cowboy may feel, it shore lets the whey out of him. Given the most voylent, it s only a matter of minutes before he s soaked into quietood. Enright himse f says Moore s en titled to a monyooment for the idee. "Turkey Track s name is Ford, Tom Ford, but workin that a-way for the Turkey Track outfit he nacherally gets renamed for the brand. Turkey Track an two boon compan ions has been goin to an fro from the Red Light to the Dance Hall, ontil by virchoo of a over-accumyoolation of licker they re begin- iyn to step some high. Also, they takes to upliftin their tired souls with yells, an blazin away at froote cans with their six-shooters. "It gets so that Enright tells Moore to give em a call-down. How the Mocking Bird Was Won 120 " What them hoys does, says Enright, is done harmless an light-hearted to be shore, an* nothin radic lly wrong is either aimed at or meant ; but all the same, Jack, it s no more n proodence to go knock their horns off. It ain t what them yooths is doin , but what they may be led to do, which makes the danger. It s like old Deacon Sopris at the Cumberland Methodist class meetin says of kyard-playin . "It ain t," explains the deacon, "that thar s any harm in the children playin seven-up around the kitchen table of a winter s eve- nin for grains of corn, but seven-up per sisted in is shore to lead to dancin ." An so with these young merry-makers. They ll keep on slamin away at empty bottles an former tomatter cans that a-way, ontil the more seedate element objects, an some-? body gets downed. Don t you agree with me, Doc? " Nothin shorerl says Peets. "Moore corrals Turkey Track an his fellow revellers, an tosses off a few fiats. Quit that whoopin an shootin , boyjs, says Moore. Likewise, keep your hardware in your belts, as more deecorous. So shore as 130 Faro Nell and Her Friends I finds a gun in any of your hands ag in, I ll shoot it out. "Turkey Track an his compadres don t say nothin back. They savvys about the water trough, an ain t hungerin none to have their ardor dampened in no sech fashion. So they blinks an winks like a passel of squinch owls, but never onbuckles in no argyooment. All the same, it irks em a whole lot, an after Moore reetires they begins moderate to arch their necks an expand round a little. "They allows talkin among themselves in a quer lous way that they ain t hurtin no one, an for Moore to come shovin round an lecturin on etiquette is a conceited exhibition of authority as offensive as it is on jest. Thar s doubts, too, about it s bein constitootional. " Whatever does that jim-crow sp ile-sport of a marshal mean? says Turkey Track. It looks like he s not only deefyin the organic law of this country, but puttin on a heap of dog. Does he reckon this yere camp s a church? " I moves we treats them mandates, says one of the boys, who s a rider for the G-bar ranch, with merited contempt. How the Mocking Bird Was Won 131 " As how? asks the third, who belongs with the Four-J brand. You ain t so locoed as to s ggest we-all t ars person ly into this Jack Moore marshal none I hopes? " Which you fills me with disgust! says the other, nettled at the idee of pawin the on- profit ble grass round Moore; but whatever s the matter with goin up to the far end of the street, an w irl an come squanderin back jest a shootin ? " Great! says Turkey Track, applaudin the scheme. Which we-all nacherally shoots up their old prairie dog town, same as if it s a Mexican plaza, an then jogs on to our ranches, all triumphant an comfortable. "The three rides up to the head of the street, an then turns an givin their ponies the steel comes whizzin down through the center of eevents, yelpin like Apaches an lookin like fireworks. They ve got a gun in each hand, an they shakes the flame an smoke out of em same as three volcanoes on hossback. "Moore s standin in front of the Noo York store, talkin to Tutt. As you-all might imag ine, it frets him to the quick to see how little them effervescent sperits cares for his injunc- 132 Faro Nell and Her Friends tions. By way of rebooke not wantin to down em outright for what, take it the worst way, ain t nothin more heen ous than a im propriety Moore gets his artillery to b ar, an as they flashes by like comets, opens on the ponies. It s hard on the ponies; but it won t do to let them young roysterers get away with their play. The example ll spread ; an , onless checked at the jump, inside of a month thar d be nothin but a whoopin procession of cow- punchers chargin up an down the causeways. Tenderfeet might acquire misgivin s techin us bein a peaceful camp, an the thing op rate as a blow to trade. It s become a case of either get the boys or get the ponies, an on- der the circumstances the ponies has the call. "Thar s no more artistic gun-player than Moore in town, onless it s Cherokee, an mebby Doc Peets, who s a heap soon with a derringer. As the ponies flash by, Moore s six-shooter barks three times. Two ponies goes rollin ; the third it s Turkey Track s continyoos cavortin down the street an out of town. Turkey Track never pulls up nor looks back. The last we sees of him is when he s two miles How the Mocking Bird Was Won 133 away, an a swell rises up behind him an hides him from view. "The G-bar boy, an him from the Four-J outfit, hits the grass twenty feet ahead of their ponies, like a roll of blankets chucked out of a wagon, an after bumpin an tumblin along for a rod or so, an all mighty condoosive to fractures an dislocations, they flattens out ree- spective same as a couple of cancelled postage stamps. Shore, the fall jolts the savvy plumb out of em. "Bein they re stretched out an passive, Moore collects em an sops em up an down in the water trough for mebby it s fifteen min utes. Which they re reesus tated an reeproved at one an the same time. When them yooths comes to, they re a model to angels. To be shore, their intellects don t shine out at first none like the sun at noon, but continyoos blurred for hours. Even as late as the weddin* of Turkey Track with the Mockin Bird an* that ain t for all of eight weeks the G-bar boy informs Boggs confidenshul, as they re takin a little licker all sociable, that speakin mental he s as yet a heap in eeclipse. "The maiden name of the Mockin Bird is 134 Faro Nell and Her Friends Loocinda Gildersleeve, but pop lar preference allers sticks to her stage title. She s a f av rite at the Bird Cage Op ry House, at which nursery of the drammy she s been singin off an on for somethin like three years. She s a shore-enough singer, too, the Mockin Bird is. None of your yeepin s an peepin s, none of your mice squeaks an tea-kettle tones an cub coyote yelps. Which she s got a round, mee- lod yous bellow like a hound in full cry, an while she s singin thar ain t a wolf 11 open his mouth within a mile of town. Which them anamiles is plumb abashed, the Mockin Bird outholdin em to that degree. " You-all don t hear no sech singin in the East. Thar ain t room; an moreover the East s too timid. For myse f, an I ain t got no y ear for music, them top notes of the Mock- in Bird, like the death yell of a mountain lion, is cap ble of givin me the fantods; while the way she hands out Home, Sweet Home an Suwannee River, an her voice sort o diggin down into the soul, sets eemotional sports like Boggs an Black Jack to sobbin as though their hearts is broke. She s certainly a jo- darter of a vocalist the Mockin Bird is, an How the Mocking Bird Was Won 135 once when she renders Loosiana Loo an Boggs s more n common affected, he offers to bet yellow chips as high as the ceilin she can sing the sights off a Colt s .45. " Which I enjoys one of the most mis rable evenin s of my c reer, says Boggs to Faro Nell, when she expresses sympathy at him feelin so cast down. I wouldn t have missed it for a small clay farm. ff( Yo tambien says Black Jack, who s keepin Boggs melancholly company while he weeps. Only I reckons the odd kyard in my own case is that, before I m a man an in some other existence, I used to be one of these yere ornery little fice dogs, which howls every time it hears a pianny. It s some left-over vestiges of that life when I m a dog which sets me to bawlin , that a-way, whenever the Mockin Bird girl sings. I experiences pensive sensa tions, sim lar to what comes troopin over a gent, who s libatin alone, on the heels of the third drink. "The Mockin Bird looks as sweet as she sings. I mentions long ago about the phil - sophic old stoodent who says, They do say love is blind, but I ll be ding-danged if some gents 186 Faro Nell and Her Friends can t see more in their girls than I can. This yere wisdom don t apply none to the Mockin Bird* Them wooers of hers, to say nothin of Turkey Track, possesses jestification for be- comin so plumb maudlin . Lovely? She s as pretty as a cactus flower, or a sunrise on the staked plains. "Folks likes her, too. Take that evenin when a barbarian from over to ards the Cow Springs cuts loose to disturb the exercises at the Bird Cage Op ry House with a measly fling or two. The public well nigh beefs him. They d have shore put him over the jump, only Enright interferes. "It s doorin the openin scene, when the ac tors is camped round in a half-circle, f acin the fiddlers. Huggins, who manages the Bird Cage, an who s the only hooman who ever con- soomes licker, drink for drink, with Monte, an lives to tell the tale, is in the middle. Bowin to the Mockin Bird, an as notice that she s goin to carol some, he announces: " The world-reenowned cantatrice, Mam - selle Loocinda Gildersleeve, ceFbrated in two hemispheres as the Mockin Bird of Arizona, now sing the ballad wharwith she ravished How the Mocking Bird Was Won 137 the y ears of every crowned head of Europe, the same bein that pop lar air from the op ry of Loocretia Borgia, "Down in the Valley." "At this that oncooth criminal from the Cow Springs gets up : " The Mockin Bird of Arizona which you- all is Muffin about, he shouts, can t sing more n a burro, an used to sling hash in a section house over by Colton. Never the less, notwithstandin , replies Huggins, who s too drunk to feel ruffled, Mam selle Loocinda Gildersleeve, known to all the world as the Mockin Bird of Arizona, will now sing "Down in the Valley." "Huggins would have let things go at that, but not so the Wolfville pop lace. In the cockin of a Winchester they swoops down on that Cow Springs outcast like forty hen-hawks on a single quail, an as I yeretofore ob serves, if it ain t for Enright they d have made him shortly hard to find. You can gamble, the Cow Springs savage never does go out on that limb ag in. "While Turkey Track escapes the water trough, an makes his getaway that time all right, the pore pony ain t got by Moore on- 138 Faro Nell and Her Friends scathed. The bullet hits him jest to the r ar of the saddle-flap, an* out about a brace of miles he stumbles over dead. "It s yere eevents begins to fall together like a shock of oats. The Mockin Bird s been over entrancin Tucson, an the reg lar stage with Monte not preecisely dove-tailin with her needs, she charters a speshul buckboard to get back. Thar s a feeble form of hooman ground owl drivin her, one of these yere parties who s all alkali an hard luck, an as deevoid of manly sperit as jack-rabbits onweaned. "This yere ground owl party, drivin for the Mockin Bird, comes clatterin along with the buckboard jest as Turkey Track strips the saddle an bridle from his deef unct pony. Tur key Track is not without execyootive ability, an seein he s afoot an thirty miles from his home ranch, he pulls his gun an sticks up the buckboard plenty prompt. At the mere sight of a weepon the hands of that young owl-per son goes searchin for stars, an he s beggin Turkey Track not to rub him out him think- in it s a reg lar hold-up. That s all the opp - sition thar is, onless you counts the reemarks of the Mockin Bird, who becomes both bitter How the Mocking Bird Was Won 139 an bitin in equal parts, but has no more ef fect on Turkey Track an him afoot that a-way than pourin water on a drowned rat. Shore, a cow-puncher d fight all day, an even face a enraged female, before he d walk a hour. "Turkey Track piles his saddle an bridle onto the r ar of the buckboard, an settin in behind on his plunder, commands the ground owl driver to head west till further orders. Likewise, he so far onbends as to say that them orders won t be deecem nated, none whatever, ontil he s landed at the Turkey Track home ranch. Since he backs this yere programme with his artillery, the ground owl ain t got nothin to say, an it s no time when the out fit s weavin along a side trail in the sole in- t rests of Turkey Track. "What s worse, to dispell the ennui of sech a trip, an drive away dull care, Turkey Track takes to despotizin over the Mockin Bird with his six-shooter, an compels her to sing con stant throughout them thirty miles. He makes her carrol every thin from Old Hundred to Turkey in the Straw, an then brings her back to Old Hundred an starts her over. The pore harassed Mockin Bird, what with the 140 Faro Nell and Her Friends dust, an what with Turkey Track tyrannizin at her with his gun, sounds final like an on- greased wheelbarrow which has seen better days. She don t get her voice ag in for mighty clost to a month, an even then, as she says herse f, thar s places where the rivets reequires tightenin . "It s pressin onto eight weeks before ever Turkey Track is heard of round town ag in. Also, it s in the Bird Cage Op ry House he hits the surface of his times. The Mockin Bird has jest done drove the vocal picket-pin of Old Kentucky Home, when, bang! some loonatic shoots at her. Which the bullet bores a hole in the scenery not a foot above her head. "Every one sees by the smoke whar that p lite attention em nates from, an before you could count two, Moore, Boggs, an Texas Thompson has convened themselves on top of that ident cal spot. Thar sets Turkey Track, cryin like a child. * It s no use, gents, he sobs, the tears cours- in down his cheeks, she s so plumb bewitchin , an I adores her so, I simply has to blaze away or bust. "While he don t harm the Mockin Bird How the Mocking Bird Was Won 141 none, the sent ment of the Stranglers, when Enright raps em to order inform ly at the Red Light an Black Jack has organized the inspiration, favors hangin Turkey Track. Even Texas, who loathes ladies by reason of what s been sawed off onto him in the way of divorce an alimony, that a-way, by his Laredo wife, is yoonan mous for swingin him off. " That I don t believe in marryin em, says Texas, expoundin his p sition concernin ladies in answer to Boggs who claims he s in consistent, don t mean I wants em killed. But you never was no logician, Dan. "Cherokee s the only gent who s inclined to softer attitoodes, an that leeniency is born primar ly of the inflooence of Nell. Nell is plumb romantic, an when she hears how the Turkey Track s been enfiladin at the Mockin Bird only because he loves her, while she don t reely know what she does want done with that impossible cow-puncher, she shore don t want him hanged. It s sech a inter estin story! says Nell, an* then capers across to Missis Rucker an Tuc son Jennie to c llect their f eelin s. "Moore brings in Turkey Track. 142 Faro Nell and Her Friends 1 Be you-all tryin to blink out this yere young lady? asks Enright, or is that gun play in the way of applause? " It s love, protests Turkey Track, his voice chokin ; it s simply a cry from the soul. I learns to love her that day on the buckboard while I m lookin at her red ha r, red bein my winnin color. Gents, you-all won t credit it none, but jest the same them auburn tresses gets wropped about my heart. " Whatever do you make of it, Doc? whis pers Enright. " This boy, returns Peets, has got himse f too much on his own mind. He s sufferin from what the books calls exaggerated ego. That s one way of bein locoed, ain t it? " Shore. But him bein twisted mental ain t no reason for not adornin the windmill with his remains. The only public good a hangin does is to scare folks up a lot, an you can scare a loonatic quite as quick an quite as hard as a gent whose intellects is plumb. " Thar she stands, Turkey Track breaks in ag in, not waitin for no questions, an me as far below her as stingin lizards is from stars! Then, ag in, when folks down in front is How the Mocking Bird Was Won 143 a plaudin her, she wavin at em meanwhile the gracious smile, it makes me jealous. Gents, I don t plan nothin , but the first I knows I lugs out the old .45 an onhooks it/ "The Mockin Bird has come over from the O. K. House with Nell, Missis Rucker an Tucson Jennie. As she hears Turkey Track s confession two drops shows in her eyes like diamonds. Clutchin hold of Nell, an with Missis Rucker an Tucson Jennie flockin along in the r ar, she rushes out the front door. "This manoover leaves us some upset, ontil Nell returns to explain. " She s overcome by them disclosures, says Nell, an goes outside to blush. " The ontoward breaks of that songstress, observes Enright oneasily, has a tendency to confoose the issue, an put this committee in the hole. Thar s nothin confoosin about it, Sam Enright. It s Missis Rucker who breaks out high an threatening she havin come back with Nell. This yere Mockin Bird girl s in love with that gun-playin cowboy, an it s only now she finds it out. Do you-all murderers still 144 Faro Nell and Her Friends insist on hangin this yere boy, or be you willin to see em wed an live happy ever after? * Let s rope up a divine some ers, exclaims Boggs, an have em married. If that Mock- in Bird girl wants Turkey Track she shall shore have him. I d give her his empty head on a charger, if she asks it, same as that party in holy writ, she singin "Suwannee River" like she does. "Cherokee, who s more or less rooled by Nell, thinks a weddin the proper step, an Tutt, who sees somethin in Tucson Jennie s eye, declar s himse f some hasty. "Even Texas backs the play. " But make no mistake, says Texas; I in sists on wedlock over lynchin only because it s worse. " Which it s as well, Sam Enright, observes Missis Rucker, blowin through her nose mighty warlike, that you an your marauders has sense enough to see your way through to that deecision. Which if you d failed, I d have took this Turkey Track boy away from you-all with my own hands. This Vig lance Commit tee needn t think it s goin to do as it pleases round yere hangin folks for bein in love, How the Mocking Bird Was Won 145 an closin its y ears to the moans of a bleedin heart. " My dear ma am, says Enright, his man ner mollifyin ; I sees nothin to discuss. The committee surrenders this culprit into the hands of you-all ladies, an what more is thar to say? " Thar s this more to say, an Missis Ruck- er s that earnest her mouth snaps like a trap. You an your gang, settin round like a passel of badgers, don t want to get it into your heads that you re goin to run rough-shod over me. When I gets ready to have my way in this out fit, the prairie dog that stands in my path ll shore wish he d never been born. "Enright don t say nothin back, an the balance of us maintainin a dignified silence, Missis Rucker, after a look all round, with draws, takin with her Tucson Jennie an Nell, Turkey Track in their midst. Gents, observes Enright, when they re shore departed, an speakin up deecisive, ways must be deevised to liminate the feminine ele ment from these yere meetin s. I says this be fore, but the idee don t seem to take no root. Thar s nothin lovelier than woman, but by 146 Faro Nell and Her Friends virchoo of her symp thies she s oncap ble of exact jestice. Her feelin s lead her, an her heart s above her head. For which reasons, while I wouldn t favor nothin so ondignified as hidin out, I s ggests that we be yereafter more circumspect, not to say surreptitious, in our deelib rations. "Shore, they re married. The cer mony comes off in the O. K. House, an folks flocks in from as far away as Deming. " If you was a chemist, Sam, says Peets, tryin to eloocidate what happens when the Mockin Bird learns she s heart-hungry that a-way for Turkey Track, you d onderstand. It s as though her love s held in s lootion, an the jar of Turkey Track s gun preecip tates it. " Mebby so, returns Enright ; but as a play, this thing s got me facin back ards. Thar s many schemes to win a lady, but this yere s the earliest instance when a gent shoots his way into her arms. " Well, returns Peets, you know the old adage to which of course thar s exceptions. Yere he glances over at Missis Rucker. It runs: How the Mocking Bird Was Won 147 "A woman, a spaniel an a walnut tree, The more you beat em the better they be." "Boggs has been congratchoolatin Turkey Track, an kissin the bride. Texas, as somber as a spade flush, draws Boggs into a corner. " That Turkey Track, says Texas, con siders this a whipsaw. He misses hangin , an he gets the lady. He feels like he wins both ways. Wait! Dan, it won t be two years when he ll discover that, compar d to marriage, hangin that a- way ain t nothin more n a tech- nical ty. " VI THAT WOLFVILLE-RED DOG FOURTH "By nacher I m a patriot, cradle born and cradle bred ; my Americanism, second to none except that of wolves an rattlesnakes an In juns an sim lar cattle, comes in the front door an down the middle aisle; an yet, son, I m free to reemark that thar s one day in the year, an* sometimes two, when I shore reegrets our independence, an wishes thar had been no ,Yorktown an never no Bunker Hill." The old cattleman tasted his glass with an air weary to the borders of dejection; after which he took a pathetic puff at his pipe. I knew what had gone wrong. This was the Fifth of July. We had just survived a Fourth of unusual explosiveness, and the row and racket thereof had worn threadbare the old gentleman s nerves. "Yes, sir," he continued, shoving a possum- colored lock back from his brow, "as I suffers through one of them calamities miscalled cel - 148 That Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth 149 brations, endoorin the slang-whangin of the orators an bracin myse f ag inst the slam- bangin of the guns, to say nothin of the fire crackers an kindred Chinese contraptions, I a preeciates the feelin s of that Horace Wai- pole person Colonel Sterett quotes in his Daily Coyote as sayin , I could love my country, if it ain t for my countrymen. "Still, comin down to the turn, I reckon it merely means, when all is in, that I m gettin too plumb old for comfort. It s five years now since I dare look in the glass, for fear I d be tempted to count the annyooal wrinkles on my horns. "It s mighty queer about folks. Speakin of cel brations, for thousands of years the only way folks has of expressin any f eelin of com- moonal joy, that a- way, is to cut loose in lim itless an onmeanin uproar. Also, their only notion of a public fest val is for one half of the outfit to prance down the middle of the street, while the other half banks itse f ag inst the ediotic curb an looks at em. "People in the herd ain t got no intelligence. We speaks of the lower anamiles as though we just has it on em completely in the matter 150 Faro Nell and Her Friends of intelligence, but for myse f I ain t so shore. The biggest fool of a mule-eared deer sawys enough to go feedin up the wind, makin so to speak a skirmish line of its nose to feel out ambushes. Any old bull elk possesses sufficient wisdom to walk in a half-mile circle, as a con- cloodin act before reetirin for the night, so that with him asleep in the center, even if the wind does shift, his nose ll still get ample no tice of whatever man or wolf may take to fol- lowin his trail. "That s what them lower anamiles does. An now I asks, what man, goin about his numbskull dest nies, lookin as plumb wise as a too-whoo owl at noon, ever shows gumption equal to keepin the constant wind in his face, or has the sense to go walkin round himse f as he rolls into his blankets, same as that proo- dent elk? After all, I takes it that these yere Fo th of Jooly upheavals is only one among the ten thousand fashions in which hoomanity eternally onbuckles in expressin its imbecil ty. "Which I certainly do get a heap disgusted at times with the wild beast called man. With all his bluffs about bein so mighty sagacious, I can sit yere an see that, speakin mental, he That Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth 151 ain t better than an even break with turkey gobblers. Even what he calls his science turns finally out with him to be but the accepted ig norance of to-day ; an he puts in every to-mor row of his existence provin what a onbounded jackass rabbit he s been the day before. It s otherwise with them lower anamiles ; what they knows they knows." Plainly, something had to be done to fortify my old friend. I fell back, quite as a matter of course, upon that first aid to the injured, another drink, and motioned the black waiter to the rescue. It did my old friend good, that drink, the first fruits of which easier if not bet ter condition being certain fresh accusations against himself. "The trooth is, I m a whole lot onused to these yere Fo th of Jooly outbursts; an so I ondoubted surfers from em more keenly, that a-way, than the av rage gent. You see we never has none of em in Wolfville; leastwise we never does but once. On that single festive occasion we shore stubs our toe some plentiful, stubs it to that degree, in fact, that we never feels moved to buck the game ag in. Once is enough for Wolfville. 152 Faro Nell and Her Friends "Which it s the single failure that stains the fame of the camp. At that, the flat-out reely belongs to Red Dog; or at least to Pete Bland, for which misguided party the Red Dogs freely acknowledges reespons bility as belongin to their outfit. "This yere Eland s dead now an deep onder the doomsday sods. Also, he died drinkin like he d lived. " What s the malady? Enright asks Peets, when the Doc comes trackin back, after seein the finish of Bland. " No malady at all, Sam, says Peets, plumb cheerful an frisky, same as them case-hard ened drug folks allers is when some other sport passes in his checks no malady whatsoever. His jag simply stops on centers, as a railroad gent d say, an I m onable to start it ag in. "Was Peets any good as a med cine man? Son, I m shocked! Peets is packin round in his professional warbags the dipplomies of twenty colleges, an is onchallenged besides as the best eddicated sharp personal on the sun set side of the Mississippi. You bet, he onder- stands the difference at least between bread pills an buckshot, which is a heap sight fur- That Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth 153 ther than some of these yere drug folks ever studies. "Colonel Sterett, who s fa rly careful about what he says, reefers to Peets in his Daily Coy ote as a intellectchooal giant, an thar ain t no record of any scoffer comin squanderin along to contradict. Mebby you ll say that the omission to do so is doo to the f rocious attitoode of the Daily Coyote itse f, techin contradictions, an p int to how that imprint keeps standin at the head of its editorial col umns as a motto, the cynicism : " Contradict the Coyote and avoid old age! "Thar d be nothin in it if you do. That motto s only one of Colonel Sterett s bluffs, one of his witticisms that a-way. You don t reckon that, in a sparsely settled country, whar the pop lation is few an far between, the Colo nel s goin to go bumpin off a subscriber over mebby a mere difference of opinion? The Colonel ain t quite that locoed." "But about your Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth of July celebration?" I urged. "Which I m in no temper to tell a story me settin yere with every nerve as tight as a banjo catgut jest before it snaps. To reelate yarns 154 Faro Nell and Her Friends your mood ought to be the mood of the racon- toor a mood as rich an rank an upstandin as a field of wheat, ready to billow an bend before every gale of fancy. The way yester day leaves me, whatever tale I ondertakes to reecount would about come out of my mouth as stiff an short an brittle as chopped hay. Also, as tasteless. Better let it go till some other an more mellow evenin ." No ; I was ready to accept the chances, and said as much. A chopped-hay style, for a change, might be found acceptable. Supple menting the declaration with renewed Old Jor dan, I was so far victorious that my aged man of cattle yielded. "Well, then," he began reluctantly, "I m onable to partic larly say which gent does make the orig nal s ggestion, but my belief is it s Peets. I m shore, however, that the Corn- wallis idee comes from Bland; an , since it s not only at that Cornwallis angle we-all falls publicly down, but the same is primar ly doo to the besotted obstinacy of this yere Bland himse f, Wolfville, while ever proudly willin to b ar whatever blame s sawed off on to her shoulders proper, is always convinced that Red That Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth 155 Dog an not us is to be held accountable. However, Eland s gone an paid what the sky scouts speaks of as the debt to nacher, an I m willin to confess for one that when he s sober he ain t so bad. Not that them fits of sobriety is either so freequent or so protracted they takes on any color of monotony. "Eland s baptismal name is Pete, an in his way he s a leadin inflooence in Red Dog. He s owner of the 7-bar-D outfit, y earmark a swallow-fork in both y ears which brands seventeen hundred calves each spring round up ; an is moreover proprietor of the Abe Lin coln Hotel, the same bein Red Dog s princi pal beanery. Bland don t have to keep this yere tavern none, but it arranges so he sees his friends an gets their dinero at one an the same time, which as combinin business an pleasure in equal degrees appeals to him a heap. "Which it s the gen ral voice that the best thing about Eland is his wife. She s shore loyal to Bland, you bet! When they re livin in Prescott, an a committee of three from one of them Purification Of The Home societies comes trapesin in, to tell her about Bland be- 156 Faro Nell and Her Friends in ondooly interested in a exyooberant young soobrette who s singin at the theayter, an spendin his money on her mighty permiscus, Missis Bland listens plenty ca m ontil they re plumb through. Then she hands them Puri fiers this : " Well, ladies, I d a heap sooner have a hus band who can take keer of two women than a husband who can t take keer of one. "After which she comes down on that Puri fication bunch like a fallin star, an brooms em out of the house. Accordin to eye wit nesses, who speaks without prejewdyce, she certainly does dust their bunnets strenuous. "When Bland hears he pats Missis Bland on the shoulder, an exclaims, Thar s my troo- bloo old Betsy Jane! She knows I wouldn t trade a look from them faded old gray eyes of hers for all the soobretts whoever pulls a frock on over their heads! "Followin which encomium Bland sends to San Francisco an changes in the money from five hundred steers for an outfit of diamonds, to go round her neck, an preesents em to Missis Bland. " Thar, he says, danglin them gewgaws That Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth 157 in the sun, you don t notice no actresses flittin about the scene arrayed like that, do you? If so, p int out them over-bedecked females, an* I ll see all they ve got on an go em five thou sand better, if it calls for every 7-bar-D steer on the range. 6 Pete, says Missis Bland, clampin on to the jooelry with one hand, an slidin the other about his neck, you certainly are the kindest soul who ever makes a moccasin track in Ari zona, besides bein a good provider. "Shore, this yere Bland ain t so plumb bad. "An after a fashion, too, he s able to give excooses. Talkin to Peets, he lays his rather light an frisky habits to him bein a preacher s son. " Which you never, Doc, he says, meets up with the son an heir of a pulpiteer that a-way, who ain t pullin on the moral bit, an tryin for a runaway. " At any rate, Pete, the Doc replies, all cautious an conservative, I will say that if you re lookin for some party who ll every day be steady an law abidin , not to say seedate, you ll be a heap more likely to find him by; 158 Faro Nell and Her Friends searchin about among the progeny of some party who s been lynched. "Recurrin again to that miserabul Fo th of Jooly play we cuts loose in, it s that evenin when we invites Red Dog over in a body to he p consoome the left-over stock of lickers in the former Votes For Women S loon, an nacherally thar s some drinkin . As is not in frequent whar thar s drinkin , views is ex pressed an prop sitions made. It s then we takes up the business of havin that cel bra- tion. "Peets makes a speech, I recalls, an after dilatin round to the effect that Fo th of Jooly ain t but two weeks ahead, allows that it d be in patriotic line for us to do somethin . " Conj intly, says Peets, Red Dog an Wolfville, movin together with one proud purpose of patriotism, ought to put over quite a show. As commoonities we re no longer in the swaddlin clothes of infancy. It s time, too, that we goes on record as a whole public in some manner an form best calk lated to make a somnolent East set up an notice us. "Peets continyoos in a sim lar vein, an speaks of the settlement of the Southwest, That Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth 159 wharin we b ars our part, as a Exodus with out a prophet, a croosade without a cross, which sent ment he confesses he takes from a lit rary sport, but no less troo for that. He closes by sayin that if everybody feels like he does Wolfville an Red Dog ll j ine in layin out a program, that a-way, which ll shore spread the glorious trooth from coast to coast that we-all is on the map to stay. "It s a credit to both outfits, how yoonani- mously the s ggestion is took up. Which I never does see a public go all one way so plumb quick, an with so little struggle, since B ar Creek Stanton is lynched; which act of jestice even has the absoloote endorsement of B ar Creek himse f . "Peets is no sooner done talkin than Tutt stacks in. " "Thar s our six-shooters, says he, for the foosilade; an , as for moosic, sech as "Columbia the Gem" an the "Star Spangled Banner," we can round up them Dutchmen, who s the or chestra over at the Bird Cage Op ry House. "The talk rambles on, one word borryin an other, ontil we outlines quite a game. Thar s to be a procession between Wolfville an Red 160 Faro Nell and Her Friends Dog, an back ag in, Faro Nell leadin the same on a pinto pony as the Goddess of Lib erty. 6 An that reeminds me, submits Cherokee, when we reaches Nell ; thar s Missis Rucker. It s goin to hurt her feelin s to be left out. As the preesidin genius of the O. K. Restauraw she s in shape to give us a racket we ll despise in eevent she gets her back up. How about lettin her in on the play, says Boggs, an typ fyin Jestice, that a- way? " Thar s a idee, Dan, says Texas Thomp son, which plugs the center, a reecommenda- tion which does you proud! Down in that Laredo Co t House whar my wife wins out her divorce that time, thar s a figger of Jestice painted on the wall. Shore, it don t mean nothin ; but all the same it s thar, dressed in white, that a-way, with eyes bandaged, an packin a sword in one hand an holdin aloft some balances in t other. Come to think of it, too, that picture shore looks a lot like Missis Rucker in the face, bein plumb haughty an commandinV " Missis Rucker not bein yere none, says That Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth 161 Enright softly, an peerin about some cau tious, I submits that while no more esteemable lady ever tosses a flapjack or fries salt-hoss in a pan, her figger is mebby jest a trifle too abundant. As Jestice, she ll nacherally be ar rayed as Texas says in white, same as Nell as the Goddess. I don t want to seem teeh- nicle, but white augments the size of folks an will make the lady in question look bigger n a load of hay. Even so, reemarks the Red Dog chief in dulgently, would that of itse f , I asks, be reck oned any setback? The lady will person fy Jestice; an as sech I submits she can t look none too big. "In compliment to the Red Dog chief En- right, with a p lite flourish, allows that he yields his objection with pleasure, an Missis Rucker is put down for Jestice. It s agreed likewise to borry a coach from the stage com pany for her to ride on top. " Her bein preeclooded, explains Peets, from ridin a hoss that a-way, as entirely ondignified if not onsafe. We can rig her up a throne with one of the big splint-bottom cha rs from the Red Light, an wrop the same 162 Faro Nell and Her Friends in the American flag so s to make it look offishul. "Tucson Jennie, with little Enright Peets as the Hope of the Republic, is to ride inside the coach. "Havin got this far, Pete Bland submits that a tellin number would be a sham battle, Red Dog ag in Wolfville. "Thar s opp sition developed to this. Both Enright an the Red Dog chief, as leaders of pop lar feelin , is afraid that some sport ll for get that it ain t on the level, an take to over- actin his part. "As the Red Dog chief expresses it : " Some gent might be so far carried away by enthoosiasm as to go to shootin low, an* some other gent get creased. The same bein my notion exact, Enright chips in. Of course, the gent who thus shoots low would ondenyably do so onintentional ; but what good would that do the party who s been winged, an who mightn t live long enough to receive apol gies? " That s whatever! says Jack Moore. A sham battle s too plumb apt to prove a snare. The more, since everybody s so onused to em That Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth 163 round yere. A gent, by keepin his mind firm fixed, might manage to miss once or twice ; but soon or late he d become preoccupied, an bust some of the opp sition before he could ketch himse f. "Bland, seem opinion s ag inst a sham bat tle, withdraws the motion, an does it plenty graceful for a gent who s enable to stand. " Enough said, he remarks, wavin a ac quiescent paw. Ante, an pass the buck. "The Lightnin Bug, speakin from the Red Dog side, insists that in the reg lar course of things thar s bound to be oratory. In that connection he mentions a sharp who lives in Phoenix. " Which I m shore, says the Bug, he d be gladly willin to assist; an you hear me he s got a tongue of fire! Some of you-all sports must have crossed up with him Jedge Beebe of Phoenix? Jedge Beebe? inter jecks Monte, who s given a hostler his proxy to take out the stage because of thar bein onlimited licker; me an the Jedge stands drinkin together for hours the last time he s in Tucson. But you re plumb wrong, Bug, about him bein eloquent. 164 Faro Nell and Her Friends " Wrong? the Bug repeats, mighty indig nant. " Of course, says Monte, rememberin how easy heated the Bug is, an that he looks on six-shooters as argyooments, I don t mean he can t talk none; only he ain t what the Doc yere calls no Demosthenes. " Did you ever hear the Jedge talk? de mands the Bug. Which I shore does, insists Monte; I listens to him for two hours that time in Tuc son. It s when they opens the Broadway Dance Hall. " Whatever is his subject? asks the Bug, layin for to ketch Monte; what s the Jedge talkin about? " I don t know, says Monte, wropped in his usual mantle of whiskey-soaked innocence ; he didn t say. "The Bug s eyes comes together in a angry focus ; he thinks he s bein made game of. "Tharupon Enright cuts in. " Bug, he says, all sociable an suave, you mustn t mind Monte. He s so misconstructed that followin the twenty-fifth drink he goes about takin his ignorance for information. That Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth 165 No one doubts but you re a heap better jedge than him of eloquence, an everything else ex cept nosepaint. S ppose you consider your- se f a committee to act for the con jint camps, an invite this yere joorist to be present as orator of the day. "The Bug s brow cl ars at this, an he as- shores Enright that he ll be proud to act as sech. " An , gents, he adds, *if you says he ain t got Patrick Henry beat to a standstill, may I never hold as good as aces-up ag in. "The Red Dog chief announces that all hands must attend a free-for-all banquet which, inflooenced by the tenth drink, he then an thar decides to give at Eland s Abe Lincoln House. " Said banquet, he explains, bein in the nacher of a lunch to be held at high noon. If the dinin room of the Abe Lincoln House ain t spacious enough, an I ll say right yere it ain t, we ll teetotaciously set them tables in the street. That s my style! I wants every body, bar Mexicans, to be present. When I gives a blow-out, I goes f o th into the highways an byways, an asks the halt an the lame an 166 Faro Nell and Her Friends the blind, like the good book says. Also, no gent need go prowlin round for no weddin garments wharin to come. Which he s wel come to show up in goat-skin laiggin s, or ap pear wropped in the drippin an offensive pelt of a wet dog. "The Red Dog chief, lest some of us is sen- s tive, goes on to add that no gent is to regyard them cracks about the halt an the lame an the blind as aimed at Wolfville. He allows he ain t that invidious, an in what he says is merely out to be both euphonious an explicit, that a-way, at one an the same time. "To which Enright reesponds that no offence is took, an asshores the Red Dog chief that Wolfville will attend the banquet all spraddled out. "More licker, followed by gen ral congratu lations. "Bland ag in comes surgin to the fore. This time he thinks that as a main f eachure it would be a highly effective racket to reenact the sur render of Cornwallis to Washington. "Tutt goes weavin across to shake his hand. " Some folks allows, Pete, says Tutt, that That Wolfville-Eed Dog Fourth 167 you re as whiskey- soaked an old fool as Monte. But not me, Pete, not your old pard, Dave Tutt ! An you hear me, Pete, that idee about Cornwallis givin up his sword to Washington demonstrates it. " * You bet your life it does ! says Bland. " But is this yere surrender feasible? asks Texas. Which, at first blink, it seems some cumbrous to me. " It s as easy as turnin jack, declar s Tutt, takin the play away from Bland. I ve seen it done. " As when an whar? puts in Cherokee. " Thar s a time, says Tutt it s way back when I sets into a little poker game over in El Paso, table stakes she is, an cleans up for about $10,000. For mebby a week I goes round thinkin that $10,000 is a million; an after that I simply knows it is. These yere onnacheral riches onhinges me to a p int whar I deecides I ll visit Chicago an Noo York, as calk lated to broaden me. " Noo York! Chicago! interrupts the Bug. I once deescends upon them hamlets, an I encounters this yere strikin difference. In Chicago they wouldn t let me spend a dol- 168 Faro Nell and Her Friends lar, while in Noo York they wouldn t let any body else spend one. " It s otherwise with me, goes on Tutt, be cause for a windup I don t see neither. I m young then, d you see, an affected by yooth an wealth I takes to licker, with the result that I goes pervadin up an down the train, insistin on becomin person ly known to the passen gers. " An nacherally you gets put off, says Boggs. " Not exactly, neither. Only the conductor, assisted by a bevy of brakemen, lays the thing before me in sech a convincin shape that I gets off of my own accord. It seems that to be agree ble, I proposes wedlock to a middle- aged schoolmarm, who allows that she sees no objection except I m a perfect stranger. She says it ain t been customary with her much to go weddin strangers that a-way, but if I ll get myse f reg larly introdooced, an then give her a day or so to become used to my looks, she ll go me. It s then the conductor draws me aside, an says, "I ve a son about your age, my eboolient young sport, which is why I takes your part. My theery is that if you That Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth 169 sticks aboard this train ontil we reaches Rock Island, you ll never leave that village a single man." " This sobers me, Tutt continyoos, an I hides in the baggage kyar ontil we reaches a camp called Sedalia, whar I quietly makes my escape. I m that reelieved I gives the cab man $20 to let me drive, an then starts in to wake things up. Which I shore wakes em! I comes down the main street like the breath of destiny; an , say, you ought to see them Mis- sourians climb trees, an gen rally break for cover! It costs me $50; an the jedge gives me his word that, only it s the Fo th of Jooly, he d have handed me two weeks in the cala boose. I clinks down the fifty pesos some grateful, an goes bulgin forth to witness the cer monies. She s a jo-darter, that Sedalia cel bration is ! As Pete yere recommends, they pulls off the surrender of Cornwallis on the Fair grounds. Also, it s plumb easy. All you needs is mebby a couple of hundred folks on bosses, an after that the rest s like rollin off a log. "More is said as the drink goes round, an Cornwallis surrenderin to Washington takes 170 Faro Nell and Her Friends hold of our imaginations. We throws dice, an settles it that Red Dog ll be the English, with Bland as Cornwallis, while Wolfville acts as the Americans, Boggs to perform as Wash ington Boggs bein six foot an some inches, besides as wide as a door. By the time we gets the stock of the Votes for Women S loon fully drinked up everything s arranged. "Onless you sees no objections, son, I ll gal lop through the balance of this yere painful eepisode. The day comes round, bright an cl ar, an the Copper Queen people gen rously starts the ball a-rollin by explodin thirteen cans of powder, one for each of the orig nal states. Then the procession forms, Nell in front as the Goddess. Thar s full two hun dred of us, Wolfville an Red Dog, on ponies. As to Missis Rucker, she s on top of the coach as Jestice, Tucson Jennie with little Enright Peets lookin like a young he cherub inside, an Monte pullin the reins over the six bosses. We makes four trips between Wolfville an Red Dog, crackin off our good old 45s at ir- reg lar intervals, Nell on her calico pony as the Goddess bustin away with the rest. "Little Enright Peets wants in on the pistol That Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth 171 shootin , an howls jes like a coyote as chil dren will ontil Boggs, who foresees it an comes provided, gives him a baby pistol, a box of blank cartridges, an exhorts him to cut loose. Which little Enright Peets shore cuts loose, all right; an , except that he sets fire to the coach a few times, an makes Missis Rucker oneasy up on top her f earin that mebby some of them blanks has bullets in em by mistake he has a perfectly splendid time. "The procession over, we eats up the Red Dog chief s banquet, wharat every brand of airtights is introdooced. That done, we listens to Jedge Beebe, who soars an sails an sails an soars, rhetorical, for mebby it s a hour, an is that eloquent an elevated he never hits noth- in but the highest places. "The Red Dog chief makes a speech, an proposes Wolfville ; to which Peets by En- right s request reesponds, an offers Red Dog. It s bottoms up to both sentiments; for thar s no negligence about the drinks, Black Jack havin capered fraternally over to he p out his overworked barkeep brother of the Red Dog Tub of Blood. "When no one wants to further drink or eat 172 Faro Nell and Her Friends or talk, we reepa rs to a level place between the two camps to go through the Cornwallis surrender. The rival forces is arrayed opp - site, Cornwallis Bland in a red coat, an Wash ington Boggs in bloo an buff, accordin to the teachin s of hist ry. Both of em has sabers donated from the Fort. "When all s ready Washington Boggs an Cornwallis Bland rides out in front ontil they re in easy speakin distance. Cornwallis Eland s been over-drinkin some, an is w arin a mighty deefiant look. "After a spell, nothin bein spoke on either side, Washington Boggs calls out: " Is this yere Gen ral Cornwallis? " Who you talkin to? demands Cornwallis Bland, a heap contemptuous an insolent. "Peets has done writ out words for em to say, but neither uses em. Observin how Cornwallis Bland conducts himse f, Washing ton Boggs waves his sword plenty vehement, which makes his pony cavort an buck jump, an roars : " Don t you try to play nothin on me, Gen ral Cornwallis. Do you or do you not sur render your mis rable blade? That Wolf vine-Red Dog Fourth 178 " Surrender nothinT Cornwallis Bland sneers back, meanwhile reelin in his saddle. Thar s never the horned-toad clanks a spur in Cochise County can make me surrender. Likewise, don t you-all go wavin that fool weepon at me none. I don t valyoo it more n if it s a puddin stick. Which I ve got one of em myse f yere he d have lopped off one of his pony s y ears, only it s so dull an I wouldn t give it to a yellow pup to play with. " For the last time, Cornwallis, says Wash ington Boggs, face aflame with rage, I com mands you to surrender. " Don t let him bluff you, Pete, yells a bumptious young cow-puncher who belongs on the Red Dog-English side. Which we can wipe up the plains with that Wolfville outfit. "The Red Dog chief bats the young trouble- makin cow-puncher over the head with his gun, an quietly motions to the Lightnin Bug an a fellow Red Dog to pack what reemains of him to the r ar. This done, he turns to ree- monstrate with Cornwallis Bland for his obsti- nancy. He s too late. Washington Boggs, who s stood all he will, drives the spurs into his pony, an next with a bound an a rush, he Faro Nell and Her Friends hits Cornwallis Bland an his charger full chisle. "The pony of Cornwallis Bland fa rly swaps ends with itse f, an Cornwallis would have swapped ends with it, too, only Washington Boggs collars an hefts him out of his saddle. " Now, you onwashed drunkard, will you surrender? roars Washington Boggs, shakin Cornwallis Bland like a dog does a rat, ontil that British leader drops all of his hardware, incloosive of his pistol now will you surren der, or must I break your back across your own pony, as showin you the error of your ways? "It looks like thar s goin to be a hostile comminglin of all hands, when her ha r streamin behind her same as if she s a comet Missis Bland comes chargin up. " Yere, you drunken villyun! she screams to Boggs, give me my husband this instant, onless you wants me to far your eyes out! " It s him who s to blame, ma am, says En- right mildly, comin to Boggs rescoo; which he won t surrender. " Oh, he won t, won t he? says Missis Bland, as she hooks onto Cornwallis Bland. That Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth 175 You bet he ll surrender to me all right, or I ll know why. "As the Red Dog chief is apol gizin to En- right, who s tellin him not to mind, Cornwallis Bland is bein half shoved an half drug, not to mention wholly yanked, towards the Abe Lincoln House by Missis Bland. "That s the end. This yere ontoward finale to our cel bration gets wide-flung notice in print, an instead of bein a boost, as we-all hopes, Wolfville an Red Dog becomes a jest an jeer. Also, while it don t sour the friendly relations of the two camps, the simple mention of Fo th of Jooly leaves a bitter taste in the Wolfville-Red Dog mouth ever since." VII PROPRIETY PRATT,, HYPNOTIST "Do I ever see any folks get hypnotized? Which I witnesses a few sech instances. But it s usually done with a gun. If you re yearn- in to behold a party go into a trance plumb successful an abrupt, get the drop on him. Thar ain t one sport in a hundred who can look into the muzzle of a Colt s .45, held by a competent hand, without lapsin into what Peets calls a cataleptic state. "Shore, son, I sawys what you means." The last was because I had begun to ex hibit signs of impatience at what I regarded as a too flippant spirit on the part of my old cattleman. In the polite kindliness of his nature he made haste to smooth down my fur. "To be shore I onderstands you. As to the real thing in hypnotism, however, thar arises as I recalls eevents but few examples in Ari zona. The Southwest that a-way ain t the troo field for them hypnotists, the weak-minded 176 Propriety Pratt, Hypnotist 177 among the pop lation bein redooced to mini- muni. Now an then of course some hypnotic maverick, who s strayed from the eastern range, takes to trackin round among us sort o blind an permiscus. But he never stays long, an is generally tickled to death when, some vig lance committee so far reelents as to let him escape back. "Over in Bernilillo once, I m present when a mob gets its rope onto one of these yere wiz ards, an it s nothin but the mercy of hell an* the mean pars mony of what outcasts has him in charge, which saves him from bein swung up. Mind you, it ain t no vig lance committee, but a mob, that s got him. "Whatever is the difference? "Said difference, son, is as a spanless gulf. A vig lance committee is the coolest kind of comin together of the integrity an the brains of a commoonity. A mob, on the other hand, is a chance-blown convention of deestruction- ists, as savagely brainless as a pack of timber wolves. A vig lance committee seeks jestice; a mob is merely out for blood." "About this Bernilillo business?" The old gentleman, as though the recital 178 Faro Nell and Her Friends might take some time, signalled the black at tendant to bring refreshments. The bottle comfortably at his elbow, he proceeded. "I was thar, as I says, but I takes no part for either yes 9 or no, bein no more n simply a looker on in Vienna, as the actor party ob serves over in the Bird Cage Op ry House. Thar s one of them hypnotizin sharps who s come bulgin into Bernilillo to give a show. Nacherally the local folks raps for a show down; they insists he entrance some one they knows, an refooses to be put off by him hyp notizin what herd of hirelin s he s brought with him, on the argyooment that them humbugs is in all likelihood but cappers for his game. "Thus stood up, the professor, as he calls himself, begins rummagin round for a sub ject. Thar s a little Frenchman who s been pervadin about Bernilillo, claimin to be a artist. Which he s shore a painter all right. I sees him myse f take a bresh an a batch of col ors, an paint a runnin iron so it looks so much like wood it floats. Shore; Emil which this yere genius name is Emil as a artist that a- way is as good as jacks-up before the draw. "The hypnotic professor runs his eye over Propriety Pratt, Hypnotist 179 the audjence. In a moment he s onto Emil, an begins to w irl his hypnotic rope. It s Emil bein thin an weakly an bloodless, I reckon, that attracts him. This yere Emil ain t got bodily stren th to hold his own ag in a high wind, an the professor is on at a glance that, considered from standp ints of hypnotism, he ought to be a push-over. "Emil don t hone to be no subject, but them Bernilillo hold-ups snatches onto him in spite of his protests, an passes him up onto the stage to the professor. They re plenty head long, not to say boorish, them Bernilillo ruf fians be; speshully if they ve sot their hearts on anythin , an pore Emil stands about the same show among em as a cottontail rabbit among a passel of owls. "For myse f, I allers adheres to a theery that what follows is to be laid primar ly to the door of the Bernilillo pop lace. Which it s themselves, not the professor, they d oughter ve strung up. You see this Emil artist person blinks out onder the spells of the professor, an never does come to no more. The profes sor hypnotizes Emil, but he can t onhypnotize him. Thar he sets as dead as Davy Crockett. 180 Faro Nell and Her Friends "This yere Emil bein shore dead, Bernilillo sent ment begins to churn an wax active. Thar ain t a well-conditioned vig lance committee between the Pecos an the Colorado which, onder the circumstances, would have dreamed of stretchin that professor. What he does, them Bernilillo dolts forces him to do. As for deceased, his ontimely evaporation that a-way is but the frootes of happenstance. "What cares the Bernilillo pop lace, wolf hungry for blood? In the droppin of a som brero they ve cinched onto the professor, an the only question left open is whether they ll string him up to the town windmill or the sign in front of the First National Bank. "While them Bernilillo wolves is howlin an mobbin an millin round the professor who himse f is scared plumb speechless an is as white as a lump of chalk relief pushes to the front in most onexpected shape. It s a kyard sharp by the name of Singleton, otherwise called the Planter, who puts himse f in nom - nation to extricate the professor. "Climbin onto the top step in front of the bank, the Planter lifts up his voice for a hear- in . Propriety Pratt, Hypnotist 181 " Folks! he shouts, Tm in favor of this yere lynchin like a landslide. But, all the same, thar s a bet we overlooks. It s up to us not only to be jest, but to be gen rous. This yere murderer, who s done blotted out the only real artist I ever meets except myse f, has a wife down to the hotel. As incident to these festiv ties she s goin to be a widow. Is it for the manhood an civic virchoo of Bernilillo to leave a widow of its own construction broke an without a dollar? I hears the incensed echoes from the Black Range roarin back in scornful accents "No!" Sech bein the sityooation, as preelim nary to this yere hangin I moves we takes up a collection for that widow. Yere s a fifty to nitiate the play at this p int the Planter throws a fifty-dollar bill into his hat an as I passes among you I wants every sport to come across, lib ral an free, an prove to the world lookin on that Bernilillo is the band of onbelted philanthropists which mankind s allers believed. "Hat in hand, same as if it s a contreebu- tion box an he s passin the platter in church, the Planter begins goin in an out through the multitood like a meadowlark through standin* 182 Faro Nell and Her Friends grass. That is, he starts to go in an out ; but, at the first motion, that entire lynchin party exhales like mist on the mornin mountains. It s the same as flappin a blanket at a bunch of cattle. Every profligate of em, at the su - gestion he contreebute to the widow, gets stampeded, an thar s nobody left but the Planter, the professor, an me. " Which I shore knows how to tech them ground-hawgs on the raw, says the Planter, as he onlooses the professor. If I was to have p inted a gun at em now, they d ve give me a battle. But bein to the last man jack a bunch of onmitigated misers, a threat leveled at their bankrolls sets em to hidin out like quail! "The professor? "The instant he s laig-free, an without so much as pausin to congrachoolate his pree- server on the power of his eloquence, he van* ishes into the night. He s headin towards Vegas as he s lost to sight, an I learns later from Russ Kishler he makes that meetropolis more or less used up. No; he don t have no wife. That flight of fancy is flung off by the Planter simply as furnishin atmosphere. "Wolfville never gets honored but once by Propriety Pratt, Hypnotist 183 the notice of a hypnotist. This yere party don t proclaim himse f as sech, but bills his little game as that of a magnetic healer, an allows in words a foot high that he s out to make the deef hear, the blind see, the lame to walk an* the halt to skip an gambol as doth the hillside lamb. Also, on them notices, the same bein the bigness of a hoss-blanket an hung up lib - ral in the Red Light, the post office, the Dance Hall, an the Noo York store, is a picture of old Satan himse f, teachin Professor Propri ety Pratt that bein the name this yere nee- cromancer gives himse f his trade. "These proclamations is tacked up a full week before Professor Pratt is doo, an pro- dooces a profound effect on Boggs, him bein by nacher sooperstitious to the brink of the egreegious. The evenin before the Professor is to onlimber on us, he shows in Red Dog, an Boggs is that roused by what s been promised in the line of mir cles, he rides across to be present. It ain t that I m convinced none, Boggs reports, when quaffin his Old Jordan in the Red Light, an settin fo th what he sees, but I must confess to bein more or less onhossed 184 Faro Nell and Her Friends by what this yere Pratt Professor does. He don t magnetize none of them Red Dog drunk ards in person, for which he s to be exonerated, since no self-respectin magnetizer would let himse f get tangled up with sech. He con fines his exploits to a brace of dreamy lookin ground owls he totes round with him, an which he calls his "bosses." What he makes these vagrants do, though, assoomin it s on the squar , is a caution to bull-snakes. After he s got em onder the "inflooence," they eats raw potatoes like they re roast apples, sticks needles into themselves same as though they re pin cushions, an at his slightest behest performs other feats both blood-curdlin an myster ous. "We-all listens to Boggs, of course, as he recounts what marvels he s gone ag inst in Red Dog, but we don t yield him as much attention as we otherwise might, bein preeockepied as a public with word of a hold-up that s come off over near the Whetstone Springs. Some ban dit all alone sticks up the Lordsburg coach, an quits winner sixty thousand dollars. Nach- erally our cur osity is a heap stirred up, for with sech encouragement thar s no tellin when he ll make a play at Monte an the Wolf- Propriety Pratt, Hypnotist 185 ville stage, an take to layin waste the fortunes of all us gents. What is done to Lordsburg we can stand, but a blow at our own war- bags, even in antic pation, is calc lated to cause us to perk up. We re all discussin the doin s of this yere route agent an wonderin if it s Curly Bill, when Boggs gets back from Red Dog, with the result, as I says, that he onloads his findin s, that a-way, on a dead kyard. Not that this yere public inattention preys on Boggs. He keeps on drinkin an talkin , same as though, all y ears like a field of wheat, we ain t doin a thing but listen. " Also, he observes, as he tells Black Jack to rebusy himse f , meanwhile p intin up to the poster which shows how the devil is holdin Professor Pratt in his lap an laborin for that hypnotist s instruction; I shall think out a few tests which oughter get the measure of that mountebank. He won t find this outfit so easy as them Red Dog boneheads. "Professor Pratt has a one-day wait in Wolfville, not bein able that evenin to get the Bird Cage Op ry House, the same bein en gaged by a company of histrions called the Red Stocking Blonds. Havin nothin else to do, 186 Faro Nell and Her Friends the Professor wanders yere an thar, now in the Red Light, now at the Noo York store, but showin up at the O. K. Restauraw at chuck time both rav nous an reg lar. Missis Rucker allows she never does feed a gent who puts himse f outside of so much grub for the money, an hazards the belief it s because of a loss of nervous force through them hypnotizin s he pulls off. Not that she s findin fault, for the Professor, havin staked her to a free ticket, has her on his staff in the shakin of a dice-box. "The Professor don t come bulgin among us, garroolous an friendly, but holds himse f aloof a heap, clingin to the feelin mebby that to preeserve a distance is likely to swell ree- sults at the Bird Cage door. Boggs, however, ain t to be stood off by no coldness, carin no more for a gent s bein haughty that a-way than a cow does for a cobweb. Which you bet it ll take somethin more n mere airs to hold Boggs in check. "It s in the O. K. Restauraw, folio win our evenin frijoles, that Boggs breaks the ice an declar s for some exper ments. " Which you claims, says he, appealin to the Professor, to make the deef hear and the Propriety Pratt, Hypnotist 187 blind see. Onforchoonately we re out of deef folks at this writin , an thar s nothin ap- proachin blindness in this neck of woods which don t arise from licker. But aside from cures thus rendered impossible for want of el gible invalids, thar s still this yere hypnotic bluff you puts up. What Wolfville hankers for is tests, tests about the legit macy of which thar s no openin for dispoote. Wharfore I yereby makes offer of myse f to become your onmur- murin dupe. I ll gamble you a stack of bloos you don t make me drink no water, thinkin it s nosepaint, same as you pretends to do with them wretched confed rates of yours. "The Professor is a big b ar-built sport, an looks equal to holdin his own onder common conditions. But Boggs don t come onder the latter head. So the Professor, turnin diplo matic an compliment ry, explains that sech powerful nachers as Boggs is out of reach of his rope Boggs bein reepellent, besides hav- in too strong a will. As to you, Mister Boggs, with that will of yours, says the Professor, I might as well talk of hypnotizin Cook s Peak. "One after another, Boggs makes parade of 188 Faro Nell and Her Friends everybody in camp. It s no go ; the Professor waves em aside as plumb onfit. Missis Ruc- ker s got too much on her mind ; in Rucker the tides of manhood is at so low a ebb he might die onder the pressure; Monte s too full of nosepaint, alcohol, that a-way, bein a non conductor. "When the Professor dismisses Monte, the ground he puts it on excites that inebriate to whar it reequires the united energies of Cherokee an Tutt to kick him off the Pro fessor. It s only the direct commands of En- right which in the end indooces him to keep the peace. Let me at him ! he howls ; let me get at him! Does any one figger I ll allow some fly- by-night charl tan to go reeflectin on me? Stand back, Cherokee, get out o the way, Dave, till I plaster the wall with his reemains ! Ca m yourse f, Monte, says Enright, who s come in in time to onderstand the trou ble. Which if this hypnotizer was reely mean- in to outrage your feelin s, it d be different a whole lot, an this sod-pawin an horn-tossin might plead some jestification. But what he says is in the way of scientific exposition, an Propriety Pratt, Hypnotist 189 nothin said scientific s to be took insultin . Ain t that your view, Doc? " Shore/ replies Peets. The Doc s been havin no part in the discussion, him holdin* that the Professor, with his rannikaboo bluff about healin , is a empirik, an beneath his pro fessional contempt. * Shore. Also, I m free to inform Monte that if he thinks he s goin to lap up red licker to the degree he does, an obleege folks in gen ral to treat sech consump tion as a secret, he s got his stack down wrong. " Enough said, ejacyoolates Monte, but still warm; whether or no, Doc, I m the sot this outfit s so fond of picturin , I at least ain t so lost to reason as to go buckin ag inst you an Enright. Jest the same, though, I m yere to give the news to any magnetizing horned-toad who sows the seeds of dispoote in this camp that, if he goes about malignin* me, he ll shore find I m preecisely the orange- hued chimpanzee to wrop my prehensile tail around him an yank him from his limb. c Aside from aidin the deef an the blind/ says the Professor, ignorin Monte utter an 190 Faro Nell and Her Friends addressin himse f to Boggs an the public gen ral, my ministrations has been found ef- f cacious wharever the course of troo love has not run smooth. I binds up wounds of sent - ment, an cures every sickness of the soul. t Which, if thar s any heart lyin round loose yereabouts an failin to beat as one, or a sperit that s been disyoonited from its mate an can t remake the hook-up, trust me to get thar with bells on in remedyin sech evils. "The Professor beams as he gets this off, mighty benignant. Texas, f eelin like the com mon eye is on him, commences to grow rest less. " Be you-all alloodin to me? he asks the Professor, his manner approaching the petyoo- lant. Let me give you warnin , an all on the principle that a wink is as good as a nod to a blind mule. So shore as you go to makin any plays to reyoonite me an that divorced Laredo wife of mine I ll c llect enough of your hyp- notizin hide to make a saddle-cover. " Permit me, says the Professor, turnin to Texas some aghast, to give you my word I nourishes no sech deesigns. Which I m driven to say, however, that your attitoode is as hard Propriety Pratt, Hypnotist 191 to fathom as a fifth ace in a poker deck. I in no wise onderstands your drift. " You onderstands at least, returns Texas, still morbid an f rocious, that you or any other fortune teller might better have been born a Digger Injun to live on lizards, sage bresh an grasshoppers than come messin round in my mar tal affairs with a view to reebuildin em up. My hopes in that behalf is rooined; an whoever ondertakes their rehabil tation ll do it in the smoke. What I m out after now is the ca m onbroken misery of a single life, an I ll shore have it or have war. My heated friend, I harbors no notion/ the Professor protests, of tryin to make it otherwise. Your romancin round single, that a-way, ain t no skin off my nose. An while I never before hears of your former bride, I m onable to dodge the feelin that she herse f most likely might reesent to the utmost any at tempt on my part to ag in bring you an her together. "Texas formyoolates no express reply, but growls. The Professor, still with that propiti- atin front, appeals to the rest of us. 4 Gents, he says, this yere s the most ree- 192 Faro Nell and Her Friends sent ful outfit I m ever inveigled into try in* to give a show to. I certainly has no thought of rubbin wrong-ways the pop lar bristles. All I aims at is to give a exhibition of anamile magnetism, cure what halt an blind if any is cripplin an moonin about, c llect my dinero an peacefully hit the trail. An yet it looks like a prejewdice exists ag inst me yere. Put a leetle pressure on the curb, thar/ interrupts Peets. "You re up ag inst no prej ewdice. On that bill, wharwith you ve done defaced the Wolfville walls, you makes sundry claims. An now you r ars back on your ha nches, preetendin to feel plumb illyoosed, because some one seeks to put the acid on em. " That s whatever! adds Boggs; the Doc states my p sition equilaterally exact. I sees your Red Dog show. I ll be present a whole lot at your show to-morry night. Also, I feels the need of gyardin ag inst my own credoolity. What I sees you do in Red Dog, while not convincing throws me miles into the oncertain air; an I don t figger on lettin you vamoos, leavin me in no sech a onsettled frame. Whar- fore, I deemands tests. " \Yere, breaks in Nell, who s been listening Propriety Pratt, Hypnotist what s the matter of this occult party hypno- tizin me. " The odd kyard in that deck/ says Chero kee, his manner trenchin on the baleful the odd kyard in that deck is that onless this yere occultist is cap ble of mesmerizin a bowie to whar it looses both p int an edge, for him to go weavin his wiles an guiles round you, Nellie, would mark the evenin of his c reer. "Nell beams an brightens at these yere proofs of Cherokee s int rest, while the pore Professor looks as deeply disheveled mental as he does when Texas goes soarin aloft. "Little Enright Peets waddles up to tell his paw that Tucson Jennie wants him. As he comes teeterin along on his short cub-b ar laigs, fat an round as forty pigs, the Pro fessor thinkin it ll mebby relieve the sityooa- tion stoops down to be pleasant to little En- right Peets. Yere s my little friend! he says, at the same time holdin out his hands. "Later we-all feels some ashamed of the ex citement we displays. But the trooth is, the Professor off erin to caress little Enright Peets that a-way sends us plumb off our feet. I 194 Faro Nell and Her Friends never before witnesses any sech display of force. Every gent starts f or ard, an some has pulled their guns. " Paws off! roars Enright to the pore dazed Professor, who comes mighty clost to rottin down right thar; in view of them announce ments yere Enright p ints to the bill, whar Satan an the Professor is deepicted as teacher an poopil do you-all reckon we lets sech a devil s baby as you go manhandlin that child ? "The Professor throws up his hands like he s growing desp rate. " Folks, he says, I asks, in all hoomility, is thar anythin I can say or do in this yere camp without throwing away my life? " Shore, returns Boggs; all you got to do is give a deemonstration. " However be I goin to give a hypnotic deemonstration, returns the Professor, appar ently on the verge of nervous breakdown, when every possible subject is either too pree- okyoopied, or too obstinate, or too weak, or too yoothful, or too beautiful, or too drunk? If it s healin you re after, bring fo th the sickest you ve got. If he s blind an his eye ain t gouged plumb out, I ll make him see; if he s Propriety Pratt, Hypnotist 195 lame an 5 his laig ain t cut plumb off, I ll make him walk. An now, gents, I m through. If these yere proffers don t suit, proceed with my bootchery. I care less, since one day with you-all exactin tarrapins has rendered life so distasteful to me that I wouldn t turn hand or head to live. "Havin got this off his mind, the harassed Professor sets down an buries his face in his hands. " Why not introdooce him, breaks in Rucker, who s nosin about, to that aflickted shorthorn who comes groanin in on the stage last night ? He s been quiled up in his blankets with the rhoomatism ever since he hits camp. Which if this yere imposter can make him walk, it ll shore be kings-up with Missis Rucker, cause she wants to make the bed. Whar s this sufferer at? demands Boggs, takin the Professor by the sleeve an with the same motion pullin his six-shooter. This yere discussion s done reached the mark whar it s goin to be a case of kill or cure for some sport. "Rucker leads the way up sta rs, Boggs an the Professor next, the rest trailin . All hands crowds into the little dark bedroom. Thar 196 Faro Nell and Her Friends on the bed, clewed up into a knot, lies the rhoomatic party. As we-all files in, he draws himse f onder the blankets ontil nothin but his nose sticks out. " Professor, says Boggs, an his six-shooter goes kluck! kluck! mighty menacin , onfurl your game! I shore trusts that you ain t started nothin you can t stop. "The pore Professor don t nurse no doubts. He thinks he s in the bubblin midst of blood an sudden death; wharf ore, you bet, he throws plenty of sperit into his racket. Makin some hostile moves with his hands Boggs elevatin his gun, not bein quite content about them motions the Professor yells: " Get up! "Talk of mir cals! Which you should have seen that rhoomatic ! With one turrific squawk he lands on his knees at the feet of Boggs, beggin for mercy. " Don t kill me, he cries; Til show you whar I plants the money. "Whoever is that rhoomatic? Which he s the stoodent who stands up the stage over by Whetstone Springs. His rhoomatism s merely that malefactor s way of goin onder cover. Propriety Pratt, Hypnotist 197 "The Professor later offers to divide with Boggs on the two thousand-dollar reward the Wells-Fargo folks pays, but Boggs shakes his head. You take the entire wad, Professor/ says he, wavin aside that gen rous necromancer. It s the trophy of your own hypnotic bow an spear. What share is borne by my .45 is incidental. Which I ll say, too, that if I was playin your hand I d spread that cure on my posters as the star mir cle of my c reer. VIII THAT TURNER PERSON "Talk of your hooman storm-centers an* nacheral born hubs of grief," observed the old cattleman, reminiscently; "I m yere to back that Turner person ag inst all competitors. Not but what once we re onto his angles, he sort o oozes into our regyards. His baptismal name is Lafe, but he never does deerive no ben fit tharfrom among us, him behavin that eegregious from the jump, he s alters referred to as that Turner person. "As evincin how swift flows the turbid cur rents of his destinies, he succeeds in focusin the gen ral gaze upon him before he s been in camp a day. Likewise, it s jest as well Missis Rucker herse f ain t present none in person at the time, or mighty likely he d have focused all the crockery on the table upon him, which you can bet your last peso wouldn t have proved no desid ratum. For while Missis Rucker ain t what I calls onusual peevish, for 198 That Turner Person 199 a lady to set thar quiet an be p inted to by some onlicensed boarder as a Borgia, that a- way, would be more n female flesh an blood can b ar. "It s like this. The Turner person comes pushin his way into the O. K. Restauraw along with the balance of the common herd, an pulls a cha r up ag inst the viands with all the confidence of a oldest inhab tant. After grinnin up an down the table as af fable as a wet dog, he ropes onto a can of air- tights, the same bein peaches. He he ps him- se f plenty copious an starts to mowin em away. "None of us is noticin partic lar, bein 5 en gaged on our own hook reachin for things, when of a sudden he cuts loose a screech which would have knocked a bobcat speechless. " I m p isened! he yells; I m as good as dead right now! "Followin this yere fulm nation, he takes to dancin stiff -laiged, meanwhile clutchin hold of the buckle on his belt. "Thar should be no dissentin voice when I states that, at a crisis when some locoed mave rick stampedes a entire dinin room by allowin 200 Faro Nell and Her Friends he s been p isened, prompt action should be took. Wharfore it excites no surprise when Jack Moore, to whom as kettle tender for the Stranglers all cases of voylance is ex officio put up, capchers the ghost-dancin Turner per son by the collar. " Whatever s the meanin of this mid- prandial excitement? demands Jack. * Which if these is your manners in a dinin room, I d shore admire to see you once in church. " I m p isened! howls the Turner person, p intin at the airtights. It s ptomaines ! I m a gone fawnskin! Ptomaines is a center shot! "None of us holds Rucker overhigh, an yet we jestifies that husband s action. Rucker s headin in from the kitchen, bearin aloft a platter of ham an cabbage. He arrives in time to gather in the Turner person s bluff about ptomaines, an onderstands he s claim- in to be p isened. Shore, Rucker don t know what ptomaines is, but what then? No more does the rest of us, onless it s Peets, an he s over to Tucson. As I freequently remarks, the Doc is the best eddicated sharp in Arizona, an even ptomaines ain t got nothin on him. That Turner Person 201 "Rucker plants the platter of ham an cab bage on the table, an appeals round to us. " Gents, he says, am I to stand mootely by an see this tavern, the best j int ondoubted in Arizona, insulted? An with that he s down on the Turner person like a fallin tree, whar that crazy-hoss individyooal stands jumpin an dancin in the hands of Moore. " What s these yere slanders, shouts Rucker, you-all is levelin at my wife s hotel? Yere we be, f eedin you on the fat of the land ; an the form your gratitoode takes is to go givin it out broadcast you re p isened! You pull your freight, he concloodes, as he wrastles the dancin Turner person to the door, an if you-all ever shows your villifyin nose inside this hostelry ag in I ll fill you full of buckshot. "To be shore, that crack about buckshot ain t nothin more n vain hyperbole, Rucker not possessin the spunk of bull-snakes. The Turner person, however, lets him get away with it, an submits tamely to be buffaloed, which of itse f shows he ain t got the heart of a horned toad. The eepisode does Rucker a heap of good, though, an he puffs up im- 202 Faro Nell and Her Friends moderate. Given any party he can buffalo, an the way that weak-minded married man expands his chest, an takes to struttin , is a caution to cock partridges. An all the time, a jackrabbit, of ordinary resolootion an force of character, would make Rucker take to a tree or go into a hole. "Is the Turner person p isened? "No more n I be. Which it s simple that alarmist s heated imagination, aggravated by what deloosions is born of the nosepaint he gets in Red Dog before ever he makes his Wolfville deboo at all. Two hookers of Old Jordan from Black Jack renders him so plumb well he s reedic lous. "Most likely you-all d go thinkin now that, havin let sech a hooman failure as Rucker put it all over him, this Turner person d lie dor mant a spell, an give his se frespect a chance to ketch its breath. Not him. It s no longer away than second drink time the same evenin when he locks gratooitous horns with Black Jack. To this last embroglio thar is an could be no deef ense, Jack bein so amiable that havin trouble with him is like goin to the floor with your own image in the glass. That Turner Person 203 Which he s shorely a long sufferin bar-keep, Jack is. Mebby it s his genius for forbearance, that a-way, which loores this Turner person into attemptin them outrages on his sens - bilities. "The Turner person stands at the bar, sloppin out the legit mate forty drops. With nothin* said or done to stir him up, he cocks his eye at Jack for all the world like a crow peerin into a bottle an says, " Which your feachers is displeasin to me, an I don t like your looks. "Jack keeps on swabbin off the bar for a spell, an all as mild as the month of May. " Is that remark to be took sarkastic? he asks at last, or shall we call it nothin more n a brainless effort to be funny? None whatever ! retorts the Turner per son; that observation s made in a serious mood. Your countenance is ondoubted the facial failure of the age, an I requests that you turn it the other way while I drinks. "Not bein otherwise engaged at the mo ment, an havin time at his command, Jack repairs from behind the bar, an seizes the Turner person by the y ear. 204 Faro Nell and Her Friends An this is the boasted hospital ty of the West! howls the Turner person, strugglin to free himself from Jack, who s slowly but voloominously bootin him towards the street. "It s Nell who tries to save him. Yere, you Jack! she sings out, don t you-all go hurtin that pore tenderfoot none. "Nell s a shade too late, however; Jack s al ready booted him out. "Shore, Jack apologizes. Beg parding, Nellie, he says ; your least command beats four of a kind with me; but as to that ejected shorthorn, I has him all thrown out before ever you gets your stack down. "The Turner person picks himse f out of the dust, an , while he feels his frame for dis locations with one hand, feebly menaces at Black Jack with t other. " Some day, you rum-sellin miscreent, he says, you ll go too far with me. "As showin how little these vicisitoodes preys on this Turner person, it ain t ten min utes till he s hit the middle of Wolfville s principal causeway, roarin at the top of his lungs, That Turner Person 205 " Cl ar the path! I m the grey wolf of the mountings, an gen ral desolation follows whar Heads! "Yere he gives a prolonged howl. "The hardest citizen that ever belted on a gun couldn t kick up no sech row as that in Wolfville, an last as long as a drink of whiskey. In half the swish of a coyote s tail, Jack Moore s got the Turner person corralled. This camp has put up with a heap from you, says Moore, an now we tries what rest an reeflection will do. " I m a wolf! " We savvys all about you bein a wolf. lAlso, I m goin to tie you to the windmill, as likely to exert a tamin inflooence. "Moore conveys the Turner person to the windmill, an ropes his two hands to one of its laigs. Thar, Wolf, he says, makin shore the Turner person is fastened secoore, I shall leave you ontil, with every element of wildness abated, you-all begins to feel more like a do mestic anamile. "From whar we-all are standin in front of 206 Faro Nell and Her Friends the post office, we can see the Turner person roped to the windmill laig. " What do you reckon s wrong with that party? asks Enright, sort o gen ral like; I don t take it he s actchooally locoed none. "Thar s half a dozen opinions on the p int involved. Tutt su gests that the Turner per son s wits, not bein cinched on any too tight by nacher in the beginnin , mebby slips their girths same as happens with a saddle. Chero kee inclines to a notion that whatever mental deeflections he betrays is born primar ly of him stoppin that week in Red Dog. Cherokee insists that sech a space in Red Dog shore ought to be s fficient to give any sport, how ever firmly founded, a decisive slant. "As ag inst both the others, Boggs holds to the view that the onusual fitfulness ob- serv ble in the Turner person arises from a change of licker, an urges that the sudden shift from the beverages of Red Dog, which last is indoobitably no more an no less than liquid loonacy, to the Red Lights Old Jordan, is bound to confer a twist upon the straightest intellectyooals. "Which I knows a party, says Boggs, That Turner Person 207 Vho once immerses a ten-penny nail in a quart of Red Dog licker, an at the end of the week he takes it out a corkscrew. " Go an get him, Jack, says Enright, p intin to the Turner person; him bein tied thar that a-way is an inhooman spectacle, an if little Enright Peets should come teeterin along an see him, it d have a tendency to harden the innocent child. Fetch him yere, an let me question him. c Front up, says Moore to the Turner per son, when he s been conveyed before Enright; front up now, frank an cheerful, an answer questions. Also, omit all ref rences to bein a wolf. Which you ve worn that topic thread- bar ; an besides it ain t calc lated to do you credit. " Whatever s the matter with you? asks Enright, speakin to the Turner person friendly like. Which I begins to think thar s somethin wrong with your system. The way you go knockin about offendin folks, it won t be no time before every social circle in the Southwest ll be closed ag inst you. What ever s wrong? Them s the first kind words, ejacyoolates 208 Faro Nell and Her Friends the Turner person, beginnin to weep, which has been spoke to me in months. Which if you-all will ask me into yon s loon, an protect me from that murderer of a barkeep while I buys the drinks, I ll show you that I ve been illyoosed to a degree whar I m no longer ree- spons ble for my deeds. It s a love affair, he adds, gulpin down a sob, an I ve been crooelly misonderstood. " A love affair, repeats Enright plenty soft, for the mention of love never fails to hit our old warchief whar thar t a palin off his fence. I ain t been what you-all d call in love none since the Purple Blossom of Ging ham Mountain marries Polly Hawkes over on the Painted Post. Polly was a beauty, with a arm like a canthook, an at sech dulcet exer cises as huggin she s got b ars left standin sideways. However, that s back in Tennessee, an many years ago. "Enright, breshin the drops from his eyes, herds the Turner person into the Red Light an signals to Black Jack. " Onfold, he says; tell me as to that love affair wharin you gets cold-decked. "Nell abandons her p sition on the lookout That Turner Person 209 stool, an shows up interested an intent at En- right s shoulder. " Ain t I in this? she asks. " Be thar any feachures, says Enright to the Turner person, calc lated to offend the y ears of innocence? None whatever, says the Turner person. Which I m oncapable of shockin the most fastid yous. " Is thar time, asks Nell of Enright, for me to round up Missis Rucker an Tucson Jennie? Listenin to love tales, that a-way, is duck soup to both of em. You-all can tell em later, Nellie/ returns Enright. Then, to the Turner person, Roll your game, amigo, an if you needs refresh ment, yere it is. " It ain t no mighty reecital, says the Tur ner person loogubriously, an yet it ought to go some distance, among fa r-minded gents, in explainin them vain elements of the weird an ranikaboo which more or less enters into my recent conduct. I m from Missouri; an for a livelihood, an to give the wolf a stand-off, I follows the profession of a fooneral director. My one weakness is my love for Peggy Parks, 210 Faro Nell and Her Friends who lives with her folks out in the Sni-a-bar hills. " The nuptual day is set, an I goes hiber- natin off to Kansas City to fetch the license. How old be you? breaks in Enright. 6 Me? I m twenty-six the last Joone rise of the old Missouri. As I was sayin , I hitches my hoss in Market Squar , an takes to reeconoiterin along Battle Row, wonderin wharever them licenses is for sale, anyway. Final, I discovers a se f satisfied lookin party, who s pattin a dog. I goes to talkin about the dog, an allowin I m some on dogs myse f, all by way of commencin a conversation; an winds up by askin whar I go for to get a license. "Over thar," says the dog party p int- in across to a edifice he asshores me is a City Hall. "First floor, first door, an the damage is a dollar." " Thus steered, I goes streakin it across, an follows directions. I boards my dollar, an demands action. The outcast who s dealin* the license game writes in my name, an shoves the paper across. In a blur of bliss I files it away in my jeans, mounts my hoss, an goes That Turner Person 211 gambodin back to Peggy, waitin at ancestral Sni-a-bar. " Is your Peggy sweetheart pretty? asks Nell. " She s a lamp of loveliness! Sweet? Bee- trees is gall an wormwood to her. * As to the weddin , it s settled Peggy an me is to come flutterin from our respective perches the next day. Doubtless we d have done so, only them orange blossom rites strikes the onexpected an goes glancin off. It s the Campbellite preacher, who s been brought in to marry us, that starts it. The play s to be made at Peggy s paw s house, after which, for a weddin trip, she an me s to go wanderin out torwards the Shawnee Mis sion, whar I ve got some kin. The parson, when he has the entire outfit close-herded into the parlor, asks bein a car ful old prac titioner to see the license. I turns it over, an he takes it to the window to read. He gives that docyooment one look, an then glow ers at me personal mighty baleful. "Miser able wretch," says he, "do you-all want to get yourse f tarred an feathered?" " In my confoosion I thinks this outbreak 212 Faro Nell and Her Friends is part of the cer mony, an starts to say "I do!" Before I can edge in a word, however, he calls over Peggy s old man. "Read that!" he cries, holdin the license onder old Pap Parks nose. Old Parks reads, an the next news I gets he s maulin me with his hickory walkin stick like he s beatin a kyarpet. " Without waitin to kiss the bride or re cover my license, I simply t ars out the front of the house an breaks for the woods. The next day, old Parks takes to huntin me with hounds. Nacherally, at this proof of man s inhoomanity to man, I sneaks across into Kan sas, an makes for the settin sun. An can t you give no guess, says En- right, at why old Parks digs up the waraxe so plumb sudden? " No more n rattlesnakes onborn, onless his inordinate glee at gettin me for a son-in- law has done drove him off his head. " Which it couldn t be that, says Enright, takin a hard, thoughtful look at the Turner person. Then, followin a pause, he adds, thar s some myst ry yere! " Ain t you-all made no try, asks Nell, That Turner Person 213 sech as writin letters, or some game sim lar, to cl ar things up? " You-all don t know Pap Parks, Miss, in all his curves. Why, it s lucky he ain t wearin* his old bowie at that weddin , or he d a-split me into half apples. If I goes to writin missives that a- way, he ll locate me; an you can take my word that invet rate old homicide d travel to the y earth s eends to c llect my skelp. That ain t goin to do me; for, much as I love Peggy, I d a heap sooner be single than dead/ That party ain t locoed, says Texas, noddin towards the Turner person, whar he sets sobbin in a cha r when Enright gets through examinin him. He s simply a howl- in eediot. Yere he escapes wedlock by a mir - cle; an chains an slavery! now he can t think of no better way to employ his liberty than in cryin his heart out because he s free. If I m bitter, gents, it s because I speaks from hard experience. Considerin how she later corrals that Laredo divorce an sells up my cattle at public vandoo for costs an al mony, if when I troops to the altar with that lady whom I makes Missis Thompson, my gyardian angel had gone at me with a axe, that faith- 214 Faro Nell and Her Friends ful sperit would have been doin no more than its simple dooty in the premises. "Enright takes it onto himself to squar the Turner person at the Red Light an the O. K. Restauraw; an , since his ensooin conduct is much within decent bounds, except that Rucker steps some high an mighty when he heaves in sight an Black Jack gives him hard an narrow looks, nothin su gestive of trouble occurs. In less n a week he shakes down into his proper place, an all as placid as a duck- pond. He s even a sort o fav rite with Nell, Missis Rucker an Tucson Jennie, they claimin that he s suff erin from soul blight be cause of a lost love. Certainly, thar s nothin in this yere fem nine bluff, but of course none of us don t say so at the time. "Boggs holds that the Turner person s only a pecooliarly gifted liar, an ref ooses to believe in him. Because it s prepost rous, says Boggs, that folks would go in to frame up a weddin , an then, led by the preacher, take to mobbin the bridegroom on the very threshold of them nuptials. " It ain t by no means shore, Dan, says Texas, to whom Boggs imparts his convic- That Turner Person 215 tions, but what you ve drove the nail. Which if that Parks household reely has it in for this Turner person, they d have let him go the route. Could even the revenge of a fiend ask more than simply seein him a married man? "In about a fortnight, that Turner person s got fully cooled out, an the worst effects of what Red Dog licker he imbibes has disap peared. As he feels himse f approachin nor mal, as Peets puts it, he mentions to Enright casyooal like that, if the town sees nothin ag in it, he reckons he ll open an ondertakin shop. " Not, he says, that I m the man to go hintin that what former foonerals has been pulled off in these yere parts ain t been all they should; but still, to get a meetropolitan effect, you oughter have a hearse an ploomes. Let it be mine to provide them marks of a advanced civilization. It ll make villages like Red Dog an Colton sing low, an be a distinct advantage to a camp which is strugglin for consid ration. Yes, sir, goes on the Turner person, warmin with the theme, what s the public use of obsequies if you-all don t exhaust em of every ounce of good? An how can any 216 Faro Nell and Her Friends outfit expect to do this, an said outfit shy that greatest evidence of modern reefinement, a hearse? Given a rosewood coffin, an a black hearse with ploomes me on the box an the procession linin solemnly out for Boot Hill, if we-all ain t the instant envy of the territory, you can peg me out by the nearest ant hill on- til I pleads guilty to bein wrong. " Thar s no need for all this yere eloquence, replies Enright, blandly. What you proposes has been a dream of mine for years. You open your game as fooneral director, an if we can t find material for you local, we ll go rum- magin round as far as Lordsburg an Silver City to supply the deficiency. "Feelin Enright is behind him, the Turner person goes to work with sech exyooberant en- thoosiasm, that it ain t a month before he brings over his hearse from Tucson, said ve hicle havin been sent on from the East. She s shore no slouch for a catafalque neither, an we p rades up an down the street with it, get- tin the effect. "Boggs voices the common feelin . " Thar s a conveyance, says he, that comes mighty close to robbin death of half its sting. That Turner Person 217 Any sport is bound to cash in more content, when he sawys that his last appearance is bound to be a vict ry an he ll be freighted to the sepulcher in a swell wagon like that. " It is shore calc lated to confer class on the deeparted, assents Tutt. "These praises certainly exalts the sperits of the Turner person a whole lot. He buys the old Lady Gay dance hall, which, since the goin out of the Votes for Women S loon, has again become the ondispooted property of Armstrong, makes a double-door to back in the hearse, an reopens that deefunct temple of drink an merriment as a ondertakin estab lishment. Over the front he hangs up his sign. COFFIN EMPORIUM. L. TURNER, FUNERAL DIRECTOR. CORPSES SOLICITED. "That sign so much uplifts the sperit of the town it mor n doubles the day s receipts at the Red Light. Also, two or three shady char acters vamooses for fear of what a nacheral public eagerness to see that hearse in action may do. "It s the day next on the hocks of the in- 218 Faro Nell and Her Friends stallation of the Turner person in business, an the f ooneral director is lookin out of the front window of his coffin emporium wishin some gent d start somethin with his gun an mebby bump him off a load for his new hearse, when Enright eemerges from the post office with a iron look on his face. Peets is with him, an the pa r is holdin a powwow. "The rest of us might have taken more no tice, only our sombreros is fittin some tight on account of the interest we evinces the day prior in he pin la nch the Turner person that a-way. As it is, we bats a lackluster eye, an wonders in a feeble way what s done corr - gated Enright s brow. "It don t go no further than wonder, how ever, ontil after a few moments talk with Nell, Enright sends across for the Turner per son. As showin how keenly sens tive are the female faculties that a-way, Missis Rucker an Tucson Jennie is canvassin some infantile mal dy of little Enright Peets in the front room of the O. K. House, an same as if they smells the onyoosual in the air, they comes troopin over to the Red Light to note what happens next. That Turner Person 219 " Young man, says Enright, when the Turner person has been brought in, by way of starter, let me inquire, be you preepared to surrender your destinies, of which you re plumb onfitted to have charge, into disgusted albeit kindly hands? "The Turner person, some oneasy at seein Moore, who s carelessly toyin with a lariat, edgin round his way, allows in tremblin tones he is. Thar be those, goes on Enright, who with the best intentions in the world, has been explorin the ins an outs of your Sni-a-bar troubles, an while the clouds is measur ble lifted the fresh light shed on your concerns leaves you in a most imbecile sityooation. Which if I thought that little Enright Peets, not yet in techin distance of his teens, hadn t got no more sense than you, much as I dotes upon that baby I d shore vote for his deemise. However, proceedin with the deal, thar s this to say: Nellie thar, writes to your Peggy sweetheart, while I opens negotiations with old man Parks. I plans to read you them replies, but after advisin with the Doc, an collectin the views of Nell, it s deemed s fficient to tell 220 Faro Nell and Her Friends you what you re goin to do, an then head you fo th to its accomplishment. Our conj int findin s, the same bein consented to by old Parks in writin , an tearfully deesired by your Peggy sweetheart in what she commoonicates to Nellie, is that you proceed at once to Sni-a- bar, an get them interrupted nuptials over. After which you ll be free to return yere with your bride, an take up the hon rable an use ful c reer you ve marked out. As the pree- sidin officer of the Stranglers, my word is that you be ready to start by next stage; which, onless Monte gets so deep in licker that he tips that conveyance over a bluff, should per mit you to clasp your Peggy to your bosom an kiss the tears from her cheeks by the mid dle of next week. * But, interjects the Turner person, his voice soundin like the terrified bleatin of a sheep, can t you-all give me no glimmer of what s wrong that time? I don t hanker over much to go back in darkened ignorance, like a lamb to the slaughter. What guarantee have I got that old Parks won t lay for me with that bootcher knife of his n? It ain t fair to leave me to go knockin about, in the midst That Turner Person 221 of perils sech as these, like a blind dog in a meat shop. " Your Peggy, 5 returns Enright, encloses a letter to you by the hand of Nellie yere, which may or may not set fo th what insults you perp trates upon her fam ly. Also, said missive furnishes the only chance at this end of the trail of you findin out the len th an breadth of your ignorant iniquities. For my- se f, the thought of what you-all does that time is so infooriatin I must refuse to go over it in words. Only, if in his first reesentments old Parks had burned you at the stake, I would not have condemned him. As to your safety pers nal, you can regyard it as as- shored. Your Peggy will protect you, an your footure parent-in-law himse f acquits you of everything except bein an eediot. It s, however, got down to whether he preefers to have a fool in his fam ly or see his darter wretched for life, an he s done nerved himse f to take the fool. " Thar s your sweetheart s letter, an Nell puts an envelope which smells of voylets into the Turner person s hands. "That ondertaker reads it; an after bein 222 Faro Nell and Her Friends confoosed by shame for a moment, he begins to cheer up. " Folks, he says, kissin his Peggy s letter an stowin it away in his coat, I trusts a gen - rous public will permit me, after thankin them whose kindness has smoothed out the kinks in my affairs, to close the incident with onlimited drinks for the camp. That s all he says; an neither can we dig anything further out of Enright or Nell. "We sees the Turner person aboard the stage, an wishes him all kinds of luck. As Monte straightens out the reins over his six bosses an cleans the lash of his whip through his fingers, Peets vouchsafes a partin word. " Neither I nor Sam, says Peets, wants you to go away thinkin that you an your bride ain t goin to be as welcome as roses when you an she comes ramblin in as one on your return. " That s whatever, coincides Nell. " Also, breaks in Enright, should old Parks go to stampin the sod or shakin his horns, you-all are to put up with them deemon- strations an not make no aggrevatin ree- marks. No one knows better than you by now, WE SEES THE TURNER PERSON ABOARD AN* WISHES HIM ALL KINDS OF LUCK. p. 222. That Turner Person 223 how much cause you gives that proud old gent to feel harrowed. "Of course all of us is preyed on by anxiety to know whatever awful thing it is the Turner person does. In the end it s Missis Rucker who smokes Enright out. " Sam Enright, says this yere intrepid lady, her manner plenty darklin , you mustn t forget that whenever the impulse moves me I can shet down utter on your gruh. Like wise, as a lady, I not only knows my p sition, but keenly feels my rights. Which I don t aim to coerce you, but onless you comes through with the trooth about this yere Turner person s felonies, some drastic steps is on their way. " You will see, Missis Rucker, says En- right, who s to be excoosed for turnin a bit white, that no present reason exists for threat- enin me when I asshores you that as far back as last evenin I fully decides to lay bar every thing. I do this, onderstand, not through fear ; but lest some folks go surmisin round to the inj ry of the innocent. As I recollects back, too, I can see how the Turner person slumps into that mistake, him first talkin dog to that 224 Faro Nell and Her Friends canine party in Battle Row, an then askin whar does he go for the weddin license. " Sam Enright, interrupts Missis Rucker, whose flashin eyes shows she s growin hys terical, don t harass me with no p intless speeches. You say flat what it is he does, or take the consequences. " Why, my dear Missis Rucker, an En- right makes haste with his reply, the thing is easily grasped. The paper he gives the preacher sharp is a dog license. Which that Turner person is seekin to wed the belle of Sni-a-bar on a permit to keep a dog! The canine party he meets in Battle Row mis- onderstands a sityooation. " All the same, observes Texas to Boggs, as the two meets that evenin in the Noo York store, thar s one f eachure to a dog license, not perceivable in a marriage license, which is worth gold an precious stones. Said docyoo- ment runs out in a year. IX RED MIKE "Mebby you-all recalls about that Polish artist person?" suggested the old cattleman, tentatively; "him I speaks of former?" My gray old campanero was measuring out what he called his "forty drops," and, since this ceremony necessitated keeping one eye on his glass, while he endeavored to keep the other eye on me, the contradictory effort resulted in a wavering and uncertain expression, not at all in harmony with his usual positive air. By way of helping conversation, I confessed to a clear remembrance of the "Polish artist person," and wound up by urging him to give the particulars concerning that interesting exile. "Well," he cautiously returned, "thar ain t nothin so mighty thrillin in his Wolfville c reer. You see he ain t, for the most, no pop - lar figure him bein a furriner, that a-way, an a artist, an sufferin besides from conceit 225 226 Faro Nell and Her Friends in so acoote a form as to make it no exaggera tion to say he s locoed. On account of these yere divers an sundry handicaps, he don t achieve no social success, an while he s with us, you d hardly call him of us. "Not that I objects to this deescendant of Warsaw s last champion, personal. Which I m a heap like Enright in sech reespects, an shore tol rant. I finds out long ago that the reason we-all goes fault-findin about people, mostly is because we don t onderstand concern- in them folk s surroundin s. Half the things we arches our necks over, an for which mebby we feels like killin em a whole lot, they can t he p none. If we only savvy s what they re reely up ag inst, it s four for one we pities em instead. "It s like one time way back yonder, when me an Steve Stevenson has a sudden an abrupt diffukulty with a buffalo bull. We re camped out on the edge of the Rockies near the Spanish Peaks, an me an Steve, in the course of a little passear we re takin , is jest roundin a bunch of plum bushes when, as onexpected as a gun play in a Bible class, that devil s son an heir of a bull who s been hid Red Mike 227 by the bushes ups an charges. Which you should have seen me an Steve scatter! We certainly do onbuckle in some hasty moves! He s bigger n a baggage wagon, an as we leaves our guns ten rods away in camp, thar s nothin for it but to dig out. "Nigh whar I m at is a measley pinon tree, an the way I swarms aloft among that vege table s boughs an branches comes mighty clost to bein a lesson to mountain lions. Steve, who s the onluckiest sport west of the Mis souri, an famed as sech, ain t got no tree. The best he can do is go divin into a hole he se^s in some rocks, same as if he s a jack-rabbit with a coyote in hot pursoote. "Me an Steve both bein safe, an reegyard- in that bull as baffled, I draws a breath of re lief. That is, to be ackerate, I starts to draw it ; but before I so much as gets it started, yere that inordinate Steve comes b ilin out of his hole ag in like he ain t plumb satisfied about that bull. The bull s done give him up, too, an switchin his tail some thoughtful has started to go away, when, as I tells you, that fool Steve comes surgin out upon his reetreatin hocks. 228 Faro Nell and Her Friends "Nacherally, what could any se f-respectin bull do but wheel an chase Steve back? It s no use, though; Steve won t have it. No sooner does the bull get him hived that a-way, an make ready to reetire to private life ag in, than, bing! yere Steve comes bulgin like a cork out of a bottle. An so it continyoos, a reg lar see-saw between Steve an the bull. Steve ll go into his cave of refooge, prairie- dog fashion, a foot ahead of the bull s horns, only to be a foot behind the bull s tail as that painstakin anamile is arrangin to deepart. "Which sech wretched strategy arouses my contempt. " You dad-binged Siwash, I yells down at Steve, why ever don t you- all stay in that hole, ontil the bull forgets whar you re at? Go on! Steve shouts back, as in he dives, head-first, for mebby it s the twentieth time; it s as simple as suckin aiggs, ain t it, for you up in your tree? You-all don t know nothin about this hole ; thar s a b ar in this hole ! "Which I allers remembers about that di- lemmy of Steve s. An now, when I beholds a gent makin some rannikaboo break, an everybody s scoffln at him an deenouncin him Red Mike 229 for a loonatic or worse, I reeflects that mighty likely if we-all was to go examine the hole he s in, we d find it plumb full of b ar. "Returnin to the orig nal proposition, the same bein that Polack, let me begin by sayin that whenever it comes to any utterances of his n, I m nacherally onable to quote him exact. t What with him rollin his Rs ontil they sounds like one of them snare drums, an the jiggerty-jerkety fashion wharin he chops up his English, a gent might as soon try to quote a planin mill exact. "That I m able to give you-all his troo name is doo wholly to him passin round his kyard a heap profoose, when he first comes ramblin in, said cognomen as printed bein Orloff Ivan Mitzkowanski, Artist and Painter of Por traits. We perooses this yere fulm nation two or three times, an Peets even reads it out loud ; but since the tongue of no ordinary gent is capable of ropin an throwin it, to say no- thin of tyin it down, we cuts the gordian knot in the usual way by re-christenin him pro bono publico as Red Mike, which places him within the verbal reach of all. " Yes, he says, as he ladles out them 230 Faro Nell and Her Friends kyards, an all with the manner of a prince conferrin favors yes, I m a artist come to you, seekin subjects an color. As you prob ably observes by my name, I m a gallant Pole, one whose noble ancestors shrieks when Kosci- usko fell. "Him bein a stranger that a-way, an no one, onless it s Peets, ever havin heard about Poland, or Kosciusko, or whoever does that shriekin the time when Kosciusko finds himse f bumped off, we lets Mike get by with this yere bluff. Besides, his name of itse f sort o holds us. That anyone, an specially any furriner, could come as far as he has, flauntin a name like that in the sensitive face of mankind, an yet live to tell the tale, is shore plenty pree- par tory to believin anything. "When we lets it go that owin to local con ditions we ll be obleeged to call him Red Mike, he s agree ble. " As you will, my friends, he cries, bulgin out his breast an thumpin it. What care I, who am destined for immortality, that barbar ians should hail me as Red Mike? It is enough that I am not destroyed, enough that I still move an have my bein ! Red Mike 231 " Mike, inter jecks Tutt, bristlin a little, don t cut loose in no offensive flights. It s a heap onadvisable when addressin us to over work that word "barbarian." As you says yourself, you re lucky to be alive ; which, bein conceded, it d be plenty proodent on your part not to go doin nothin to change your luck. " Steady thar, Dave, says Enright, don t go exhibitin your teeth to a pore benighted furriner, an him not onto our curves. Him bein a furriner, retorts Tutt, is but a added argyooment in favor of him takin heed. Speakin for myse f, I in partic lar don t want no furriner to step on my tail an* stand thar, same as if my f eelin s ain t goin to count. " Be composed, my friend, says Mike, tryin to follow Enright out an squar him- se f with Tutt be composed. I reetract the "barbarians" an suggest a drink. "That s all right, Mike, returns Tutt, who s easy mollified; still I onreservedly says ag in that in Arizona thar s nothin in becom- in too difoose. All that this time lets you out, Mike, is that havin jest had our feed we re happ ly lethargic. Which if you d let fly that *232 Faro Nell and Her Friends crack about barbarians, an us not fed none, some gent not otherwise employed d have seized upon you as a mop-rag wharwith to wipe up the floor. "Thar s allers a dispoote as to whether or no Mike reely commits sooicide that time. Tutt an Texas holds to the last that his light gettin blowed out like it does is accidental. Peets, however, insists it s a shore-enough sooi cide. Of course, Boggs goes with Peets. Whatever s the question at bay, Boggs never fails to string his play with the Doc s; it s Boggs s system. All you has to do to get a rise out o Boggs is get some opinion out o Peets. Once the Doc declar s himse f, Boggs is right thar to back said declaration for his last dollar* every time. "As sustainin his claim of sooicide, Peets p ints out that thar s no gent, not a howlin eediot complete, but knows s fficient of giant powder to be dead on to how it s cap ble of bein fired by friction. " Why, he says, eloocidatin hisxp sition, even darkened savages is posted as to that. I once sees a South Sea Islander, in a moose* yum East, who sets a bunch of shavin s in a Red Mike 233 blaze by rubbin together two sticks. An this yere Mike is a eddycated sharp, eddicated at a Dutch outfit called Heidelberg. Do you-all reckon a gradyooate of sech a sem nary ever walks out on a cold collar, him not wise, an performs in the numbskull fashions as this yere Mike? " That s whatever! chimes in Boggs. "As I tells you, any emphatic idee laid down by Peets instantly sets Boggs to strikin same as one of them cuckoo clocks. "Enright? "The old silver tip stands nootral, not sidin with either Peets an Boggs or Tutt an Texas. " Which this yere Mike bein shore dead, says Enright, strikes me as s fficient. I plants my moccasins on that, an don t go pirootin an projectin about for no s lootions which may or may not leave me out on a limb. "You recalls how it s Monte who, while gettin drunk with him over to the Oriental S loon in Tucson, deloodes Mike into p intin our way. Also, what Enright says to that de- boshed stage driver for so doin . Enright s shore fervent on that occasion, an the lan guage he uses would have killed two acres of 234 Faro Nell and Her Friends grass. But that don t he p none. After the dust Enright paws up has settled, thar s Mike still, all quiled up in the Wolfville lap. " Thar s a worse feachure, the same bein Mike s wife. She s as young, an mighty nigh as lovely, too, as Nell; only she s blind, this yere Mike s girl wife is, blind as any mid night mole. Besides her, an a armful of paint breshes an pictures, about all Mike s got in the way of plunder is a ten-dollar bill. If it s only Mike, we-all might have thickened our hides a heap, an let him go jumpin sideways for his daily grub, same as other folks. But girls must be fed, speshully blind ones. "Which this egreegious Mike, who calls her his little Joolie, allows her bein blind that a-way is why he marries her. It inshores her innocence, he says ; be cause it inshores her ignorance of the world. Likewise, remarks Peets, as we stands discussin this yere reasonin of Mike s in the Red Light, it inshores her ignorance of them onmitigated pictures he paints. Which if ever she was just to get one good look at em, he couldn t hold her with a Spanish bit. But you- all knows how it is, Sam? Yere Peets clinks Red Mike 235 his glass, an all mighty sagacious, ag inst En- right s The wind is tempered to the shorn lamb. On the whole, I ain t none convinced that her bein blind, that a-way, ain t for the best. "To look at this little Joolie, you-all d never know she can t see none. Her eyes is big an soft an deep, an nothin queer about em except they has a half-blurred, baby look. Peets allows it s the nerve bein dead which does it. But blind or not, little Joolie shore dotes on that Red Mike husband of hers, as though he s made of love an gold. Which he s her heaven ! "While it s evident, after a ca m an on- biased consideration of his works, that from standp ints of art this yere Mike s about sign- painter size, little Joolie regyards him as the top-sawyer genius of this or any other age. He ll revolutionize the world of art, she declar s to Nell, who s mighty constant about goin to see her; Ivan she pronounces it Vahn is ondoubted destined to become the founder of a noo school. " An her face, goes on Nellie, as she tells us about it over to the O. K. Restauraw one *236 Faro Nell and Her Friends evenin , after Mike an his little Joolie wife s done pulled their freight for the night an her face glows with the faith of a angel! So if any of you-all boys finds occasion to speak of this yere Mike in her presence, you be shore an sw ar that, as an artist, he s got nacher backed plumb off the lay-out. " The wretch who fails, adds Missis Rucker, plenty fierce, don t wrastle his hash with me no more ! You can gamble that mar plot has tackled his final plateful of slapjacks at the O. K. House, an this yere s notice to that effect. "It s a cinch, of course, that none of us is that obtoose as to go sayin anything to pain this yere blind little Joolie; at the same time no one regyards it as feas ble to resent them threats of Missis Rucker! She s a mighty sperited matron, Missis Rucker is, sperited to the verge of bein vindictive, an rubbin her fur the wrong way is the same as rubbin a bobcat s fur the wrong way. As a exercise thar s nothin in it. Besides, we re plumb used to it, owin to her threatenin us about one thing or another constant. Menaces, that a-way, is Missis Rucker s style. Red Mike 237 "Mike an his Joolie wife don t live at the O. K. House, but only gets their chuck thar. He allows that to do jestice to his art he s got to have what he calls a no th light, an so he goes meanderin out on the no th side of town, an jumps a empty shack. "Driv by a lack of money, mighty likely, Mike ain t in camp a week before he makes it plenty plain that, onless he s headed off or killed, he s goin to paint Enright a whole lot. As a preelim nary he loores a passel of us over to his wickeyup to show us samples. That s my chef dever, he says, bringin for ard a smudgy lookin canvas, plastered all over with reds an browns. "We-all takes a slant at it, maintainin our selves meanwhile as grave as a passel of owls. An at that the most hawk-eyed in the outfit can t make it look like nothin . We-all hangs back in the straps, an waits for Peets to take the lead. For thar is the pretty little blind Joolie wife, all y ears an lovin interest, an after what Nell an Missis Rucker has done said the gent who lacerates her feelin s is lost. In sech a pinch Peets is our guidin light. 1 Massive ! says Peets, after a pause. 238 Faro Nell and Her Friends * Which she s skore a heap massive ! we murmurs, followin Peets smoke. An sech atmosphere ! Peets goes on. Atmosphere to give away! we echoes. "At these yere encomiyums the pore pleased face of little Joolie is beamin like the sun. As for Mike, he assoomes a easy attitoode, same as though compliments means nothin to him. " What s the subject? Peets-asks. " That, my friend, is the Linden in Octo ber returns Mike, as though he s showin us a picture of heaven s front gate. Yes, the l Linden in October/ " Which if this yere Pole, whispers Texas to Cherokee, is able to make anything out of that smear, he can shore see more things without the aid of licker than any sport that ever spreads his blankets in Cochise County. "Texas is a heap careful not to let either Mike or the little Joolie girl ketch on to what he says. "Also, it s worth recallin that Mike an the little Joolie is the only wedded pa r, of which the Southwest preeserved a record, that don t "WHAT S THE SUBJECT?" PEETS ASKS. "THAT, MY FRIEND, is THE LINDEN IN OCTOBER, " RETURNS MIKE, AS THOUGH HE*8 A SHOWIN* US A PICTURE OF HEAVEN S FRONT GATE. p. 23^. Red Mike 239 bring bilious recollections to Texas of his for mer Laredo wife. " Not but what thar s a wrong thar, Doc, he insists, the time Peets mentions it; not but what this yere Red Mike-Joolie sityooation harbors a wrong. Only it s onavailable to llustrate the illyoosage I suffers at the hands of my Laredo wife. "After the Linden Mike totes out mebby it s a dozen other smeary squar s of canvas. We goes over em one by one, cockin our eyes an turnin our heads first one way an then an other, like a bloo jay peerin into a knothole. When Peets lets drive something about sky effects, an fore-grounds, an middle-dis tance, we stacks in all sim lar. Thar s nothin to it; Mike an the little Joolie girl puts in a mighty pleasant hour. "Mike, feelin hospit ble, an replyin to a thirsty look which Jack Moore sort o sheds about the room, reegrets he ain t got no whiskey. My little Joolie objectin , he explains. Oh, well, speaks up Peets, who s plumb eager to bring them art studies to a wind-up, when thar s famine in Canaan thar s corn in 240 Faro Nell and Her Friends Egypt. S ppose we-all goes romancin over to the Red Light an licker up. Thar s nothin like nosepaint, took internal, for bringin out a picture s convincin p ints. " Right you be, Doc, says Moore. It s only last week, when I myse f cuts the trail of Monte, who, as the froote of merely the seventh drink, is sheddin scaldin tears over a three-sheet poster stuck onto the corral gate. This yere stampede in color deepicts the death of "Little Eva," as preesented in the Uncle Tom show ragin over to the Bird Cage Op ry House. Monte allows it s one of the most movin things he s ever met up with, an pro tests between sobs ag inst takin out the stage that day for its reg lar trip. "Which it s a hour for mournin ," he groans; an he s shore shocked when the company insists. As he throws free the brake he shakes the tears from his eyes, an says, "These yere corp rations ain t got no heart!" "If thar s ever any chance of Enright bein that weak the sight of them smudges an smears settles it, an while we stands shovin the Old Jordan along the Red Light bar, he al lows to Mike that on the whole he don t reckon Red Mike 241 he ll have himse f painted none. Remembering however, that it s a ground-hawg case with Mike, who needs the money, Enright gives him a commission to paint Monte. " Him bein a histor cal character, that a-way, says Enright. "Monte is over in Tucson, but you should have heard that drunkard s language when he s told. " Whatever be you-all tryin to do to me, Sam? he wails. Ain t a workin man got no rights? Yere be I, the only gent in camp who has actchooal dooties to perform, an a plot is set afoot behind my back to make me infa mous ! " It s to go over the Red Light bar, ex plains Enright, to be a horr ble example for folks with a tendency to over-drink. As for you yellin like a pig onder a gate, who is it> I asks, that beguiles this indigent artist party into camp, an leaves him on our hands? Bein he s yere, I takes it that even your whiskey-drowned intell gence ree lizes that this yere Mike, an speshully the little blind Joolie, has got to be fed. " Well, gents, returns Monte, gulpin* 242 Faro Nell and Her Friends down his grief with his nosepaint, I reckons if it s your little game to use me as a healthful moral inflooence, I d lose out to go puttin up a roar. All the same, as sufferer in chief, I m entitled to be more consulted by you uplifters before ever you arranges to perpetchooate me to poster ty as a common jeer. "Shore; these yere protests of Monte s ain t more n half on the level. After a fashion, he s plenty pleased. " For, he says, confidin in Black Jack over his licker, it ain t every longhorn of a stage driver whose picture is took by one of these yere gifted Yooropeans. "Black Jack agrees to this in full, for he s a good-hearted barkeep, that a-way. "In doo time the picture s hung up back of the Red Light bar. Regyarded as a portrait it s shore some desp rate, an even Enright sort o* half reepents. Monte, after studyin it a while, begins to get sore in earnest. Them scales, like the scriptoors say, certainly do fall from his eyes. " Jack, he says, appealin to Moore, who happens to be present, does that thing look like me? Red Mike 243 " Why, yes, 5 Jack replies, squintin his left eye a heap critical; to be shore it flatters you some, but then them artists gen rally does. " Jack, if I m that feeble as to go believin what you says, I d borry a shotgun from the express company and blow off the top of my head. That ain t the portrait of no hooman bein an Monte raises a dispa rin hand at the picture; it s a croode presentation of some onnacheral cross between a coyote and a cowskin trunk. "Cherokee gets up from behind his layout, an strolls over so s to get a line on the picture. He takes a long an disparagin survey. 1 It ain t that I m incitin you to voylence, Monte, he remarks final, but if you owes a dooty to s ciety, don t forget that you owes also a dooty to yourse f. You ll be lackin in se f-respect if you don t give Sam Enright two weeks to take that outrage down, an if it ain t removed by then you ll bust it. "Black Jack is ag in the picture, too. " Not, he says, that I wants to put the smother on it entire; only I figger it d look better in the post office, folks not makin it so much of a hangout. Regyarded commercial, 244 Faro Nell and Her Friends it s a setback to the Red Light. Some gent comes trackin up intent on drinks, an feelin gala. After one glance at Monte up thar it s all off. That reveller s changed his mind, an staggers out into the open ag in without a word. The joint is daily knocked for about the price of a stack of bloos, as the direct re sult of that work of art. Which I d as soon have a gila monster in the winder. "Mike ain t present none when all this yere flattery is flyin . If he was thar in person nothin would have been said. Whoever d be that hardened as to go harrowin up the sens - tive soul of a artist, even if his work don t grade as corn-fed? "Some later tribyoote to his talents, how ever, reaches the y ears of Mike. On the back of Black Jack s protests the Lightnin Bug, who s come over from Red Dog for a little visit, drifts in. When he sees Monte s portrait his eyes lights up like a honka-tonk on Satur day night. " Rattlesnakes an stingin lizards ! he cries ; which I m a Mexican if you-all ain t gone an got him painted! However do you-all man age ? I remembers when we captures him ; it s Bed Mike 245 the last spring round-up but one. Two weeks goes by before ever we gets him so he ll w ar clothes! An even then we-all has to blind fold him an back him in! * Whoever do you reckon that is, Bug? asks Black Jack. " It s that locoed Digger Injun, ain t it? says the Bug; him we corrals, that time, livin on ants an crickets, an roots an yarbs, over in Potato canyon? " It s Monte. Monte ! Does anybody get killed about it? "Black Jack mentions Mike as the artist. " What, that Dutch galoot with the long ha r? says the Bug. " Which he s a Pole. "Pole or Dutchman, what s the odds? I sees a party back in Looeyville whose ha r s most as long as his. We entices him to a barber shop on a bet to have it cut, an I m ag in the union if four flyin squirrels don t come scootin out. They ve been nestin in it. "The Bug swings lightly into the saddle after a while, an goes clatterin back to Red Dog. No notice would have been took of what 246 Faro Nell and Her Friends he says, only Monte, who hears it from Black Jack, is that malev lent he goes an tells Mike. " You-all will make trouble between em, Monte, Nell reemonstrates, when Monte s braggin in his besotted way about what he s done. " That s all right, Nellie. Both of em s been insultin me; Mike by paintin me so I m a holy show, an the Bug by lettin on to take me for a Digger buck. S ppose the Bug downs Mike, or Mike does up the Bug? Either way it s oats in your uncle Monte s feed box. That s me, Nellie ; that s your old uncle Monte every time! Which, when it comes to cold in trigue, that a-way, I m the swiftest sport in our set. "On hearin about the Bug from Monte Mike gets plenty intemp rate. He goes plumb in the air, an stays thar. He gives it out that he s goin to prance over to Red Dog an lay for the Bug. Nothin but blood is goin to do him. "Thar s nothin we can say or do to stop Mike, so after talkin it over a spell we dee- cides to throw him loose, Enright first sendin Red Mike 247 word that he s harmless, an not to be bumped off. "Upon receivin Enright s word the Red Dog chief passes on a warnin to the Bug. Mike mustn t, onder no circumstances, be killed. Bein he s a artist he s not reespon- s ble. " Me kill him! cries the Bug, who s scan dalized at the idee; me take a gun to sech a insect! Gents, I ve too much reespect for them good old faithful .45 s of mine to play it as low down on em as all that. "Which there leeniencies I allers feels is on account of the little Joolie, an the blind love she entertains for Mike. When the worst does come we carefully conceals from her the troo details, an insists that the powder house goes off by itse f . "Then Nell, with Tucson Jennie and Missis Rucker to back her, carries the little Joolie girl the news. It s shore tough papers; an Missis Rucker an Tucson Jennie is kept racin an runnin an riotin between the O. K. House an Mike s wickeyup, freightin over camphor an sim lar reestor tives to the little Joolie all night long, while Nellie holds her head. 248 Faro Nell and Her Friends "Does Mike s kickin the bucket leave the little Joolie broke? It s this a- way: You see we-all chips in, an makes up a fa rly moderate pile to buy the Linden in October. 6 It s to remember your gifted husband by, explains Enright, as him an Peets an Boggs goes over to clink down the gold, an get the Linden. This yere transcendent spec men shall never leave our hands. Not while we live ! declar s Peets. c It s a marv lous picture ! returns the little Joolie girl, proud and tearful both at once. " Marv lous ! repeats Peets ; it s got the Afngelus beat four ways from the Jack/ " Which I should remark! puts in Boggs. Why, Doc, this yere Linden of ours shore makes that Angelus thing look like an old beer stamp. "These yere outpourin s of onreestricted ad miration shore does set the little Joolie to smil- in through her tears. Also, the bankroll they brings her sends her back to her folks in style. "So you don t regyard it as the proper caper to go deceivin the little Joolie girl? That s preecisely the p sition a Bible sharp over in Red Mike 249 Tucson takes, when some party s mentionin the business. " You go tell that doubtin Thomas of a sky-pilot, says Peets, on hearin about it, that he can bet a ton of Watts hymn books on it. You-all say, too, for his pulpit guidance, that what looks like deceit, that a-way, is often sim ple del cacy, while Christian charity freequent w ars the face of fraud. "But I m gettin ahead of the wagons. Mike, who s a heap heated, goes lookin for the Bug in the Tub of Blood S loon. The Bug don t happen to be vis ble no whar in the scen ry when Mike comes clatterin in. By way of a enterin wedge Mike subscribes for a drink. As the Tub barkeep goes settin out the glasses Mike, with his custom ry gifts for gettin himse f in wrong, starts fomentin trouble. An at that it s simply his ignorance, an a conceited deesire to show off among them Red Dogs. "As the Tub barkeep slams down the crock ery Mike barks up sort o sharp an peev ish: The ice! Ain t you people got no ice? "The Tub barkeep takes a sour squinch- 250 Faro Nell and Her Friends owl look at Mike. Theirhe goes softly swab- bin off the counter. "After a while he looks up an says: Which you don t notice no swirlin* drifts of snow outside, do you? You ain t been swal lowed up in no blizzard, be you, comin into town? No, my stilted, stiff-laigged sheep of the mountain, we ain t got no ice. "Mike, feelin some buffaloed by the bar- keep s manner, don t say no more. In silence he drinks his licker, an then sets down at a table. "The barkeep, with the tail of his eye, con- tinyoos to look him over. " Whatever do you make of that crazy maverick, he asks of a freighter, who s jest rolled in from Lordsburg. The idee of him askin for ice in August! " Mebby he s the ha r-brained party they sends word about from Wolfville, the freighter replies him who s out to crawl the Bug s hump a whole lot? " That s the identical persimmon! exclaims the barkeep, slammin his hand on the counter. Which I ought to have knowed it without bein told. I wonder if Peets, or some of them Red Mike 251 other Wolfville sports, puts him up to come bully-raggin round yere about ice to insult us? "The freighter allows he ll edge into a pow wow with Mike, an feel him out. "Planted at the same table, the freighter an* Mike is soon as thick as thieves. They re get- tin along like two pups in a basket, when in comes a disturbin element in the shape of one of them half-hoss half-alligator felons, whose distinguishin characteristic is that they re al- lers grouchy an hostile. That s the drawback to Red Dog. It certainly is the home camp of some of the most ornery reptiles, that a -way ! "The grouchy sorehead party, from the (jump, gets dissatisfied about Mike s ha r, which he w ars a foot long same as all artists. Which a gent can t be no painter onless he s got ha r like a cow pony. The sorehead party marches up an down by the table whar Mike an the freighter is swappin lies, schemin as to how he s goin to make a warlike hook-up with Mike. After a spell he thinks he sees his way through, an rounds to an growls. What s that? Does one of your onparal- 252 Faro Nell and Her Friends leled tarrapins say something deerog tory about George Washin ton? "Both the freighter an Mike looks up some amazed, but pleads not guilty. They ain t, they says, even thinkin of Washin ton. Which I begs your parding, returns Sorehead, snortin mighty haughty an elab - rate; I fancies I hears some one make some onbecomin remark about Washin ton. Mighty likely it s that licker I drinkt last night. "Two minutes later he halts ag in. It ain t possible I m mistook this time. An at that I don t precisely ketch what you offensive ground-owls is observin about Thomas Jefferson? "Mike an the Lordsburg freighter insists vehement that thar s been no alloosion to Jef ferson, none whatever. " Parding! Sorehead snorts; ag in I asks parding! As former, I finds I m barkin at a bunch of leaves. My y ear deeceives me into thinkin that you two fool ground-owls is in- dulgin in reecrim nations ag inst Thomas Jef ferson. "It s the third time, an Sorehead s back, neck bowed an fingers workin . Red Mike 253 Now thar s no error ! Which one of you cheap prairie dogs makes that low-flung state ment about old Andy Jackson? Let him speak up, an I ll give him a hundred dollars before devourin his heart/ 6 No one mentions Jackson/ says Mike, who s becomin frightened an fretted; Vhat- ever s the idee of any one talkin about Jack son, anyhow? Oh, ho ! Perhaps, my bold galoot, you think old Andy ain t worth talkin about ! "Sayin which, that sorehead malcontent reaches for Mike, an the two go sailin round the room permiscus. Sorehead picks Mike up, an sweeps a cord or two of glasswar off the bar with him. Then he employs him in bring- in down a picture from the wall. After which he nacherally tosses him hither an yon in the most irrel vant way. "Sorehead has jest reached up with Mike, an smashed a chandelier carryin fourteen coal-oil lamps, when in t ars the Lightnin Bug, white an frothin . The Bug don t waste no time lookin for holds, but casyooally, yet no less s fficiently, snags onto Sorehead. Fixin his ten claws in him, the Bug fo thwith em- 254 Faro Nell and Her Friends barks upon sech feats in the way of ground an lofty tumblin with that gladiator, as to make what happens to Mike seem pooerile. 6 Don t you-all know/ shouts the Bug, as, havin done broke a cha r with Sorehead, he proceeds to deevote what s left of him to smashin a table don t you-all know, you abandoned profligate, that this yere artist you ve been maltreatin is a pers nal friend of mine, yere present in Red Dog to confab with me on important affairs ? An is it for a house less sot like you to take to minglin with him malignant? Yereafter don t you-all so much as presoome to breathe without first gettin my permission so to do in writin ! "As closin the incident the Bug sends Sore head hurtlin through a window, sash an all. lAf ter which he dusts off his hands an says : " Gents, let s licker. "The barkeep s that gratified he declar s the idrinks is on the Tub. " Also, the glass an sash, Bug, he adds. "Bein refreshed, the Bug tenderly collects Mike, who s in a frayed an fragmentary con dition, an gently freights him over to us on a buckboard. It s a week before Peets allows Red Mike 255 he s ag in ready for the show ring, an he uses up enough co t plaster on him to kyarpet the Red Light. Little Joolie? We let s on to her that Mike meets up with a she grizzly an her cubs, an while he cleans up that fam ly he nacherally gets chewed. " Mike s shorely some abrated, ma am, ex plains Peets; but he s mendin fast. When I first lays eyes on him, after he encounters that bevy of b ars, it s a question if his skin ll hold his principles. But don t take on, Ma am; now I ve got him headed right he ll be as good as new in a week. Don t forget, too, that he shore does land that band of grizzlies in the scrap-heap. "Mike emerges from the hands of Peets filled with a pecooliar furrin form of wrath, an talkin about his honor. It s Sorehead he s after now. As a noble Pole, he says, he has been most contoomeliously used, an* insists upon a dooel. Not with the Bug, who s with drew them orig nal jedgments concernin old Monte s portrait, an substitooted tharfor the view that said picture s bound to become the artistic pride an joy of Arizona. Mike wants to fight the onreegen rate Sorehead. 256 Faro Nell and Her Friends "In the flush of their new friendship Mike asks the Bug to heel an handle him. Also, it s warmin to your better nacher to note the enthoosiasm wharwith the Bug takes up his dooties. " It ll be six-shooters at ten paces, he ex plains to Mike ; an if you only shoots like you paints, we ll send that tramp whar the wicked cease from troublin an the weary are at rest. "The Red Dog chief gives his word to En- right that Mike ain t in no danger. " Comin down to cases, says the Red Dog chief; it s even money that this yere Sorehead crawfishes. If he don t we ve got it all set up to hand him the Bug, instead of that Red Mike artist of yours. So you see thar s lit rally nothin for you-all wolves to worry over at all. " We-all wolves ain t in the habit of worry- in to any astoundin extent, returns Enright, some rigid; none the less, I allows I ll take a look through the sights myse f , merely by way of makin shore which way the gun is p inted. Thar s reasons, one of em a lovin little blind girl, why we re not so plumb partic lar about havin this yere alleged artist party put over the jump. Red Mike 257 "The fight s a week away, an by advice of the Bug, Mike decides to put a polish on his shootin . This yere s reckoned a bright idee, the more since as near as we-all can jedge Mike never does pull a trigger once since when his mother rocks his cradle an warms his milk. " Only, warns Enright, as Mike goes mak- in* prep rations, don t you-all go aimin to wards town none. We don t want no neeo- phytes bombardin the village, which y ar in an y ar out sees bullets enough in the nacheral onfoldment of eevents. "Mike, not havin no gun, borrys a .45 of Moore. Thus equipped, he secoores some cartridges at the Noo York store, an la nches forth. No one goes with him, since he allows he ll shoot better if he s by himse f . "Thar s a powder house, belongin to the Copper Queen Mine, about a mile outside of town. It stands off by itse f an nothin near it, no one honin much to live neighbor to a ton or two of powder. It s about fifth drink time the mornin Mike seelects for his practice shootin when, like a bolt from the bloo, that Copper Queen powder house goes up with a most emphatic whang! What Peets calls the 258 Faro Nell and Her Friends concussion breaks windows in the Wells- Fargo office, an shakes up the Red Light to that extent it brings down Monte s picture an busts it to forty flinders on the bottles. " Which for a moment, says Black Jack, commentin on the gen ral mess it makes, I thinks it s one of Colonel Sterett s Coyote edi torials on the licker question. "That powder blowup marks the onforchoo- nate last of Mike. Since he never does show up no more, an a Mexican tendin goats in the vicin ty informs us he sees him pinnin a target on the r ar elevation of the powder house jest prior to the explosion, it s the com mon feelin that the blow-up s caused by one of Mike s bullets, an that Mike an the pow der reepos tory takes flight simooltaneous. Only, as already set fo th, Peets claims that Mike knows what s comin . Mebby Peets is right, an mebby Mike that a-way commits sooicide. Whichever it is, sooicide or accident, it s a mighty complete success; for the only trace we re able to find of either Mike or the powder house is a most elab rate hole in the ground. " The same bein , as I holds, a most excel- Red Mike 259 lent feachure, says Boggs, who loathes foonerals. This yere powder house way of cashin in meets with my approval. It shore don t leave no reemains! " X HOW TUTT SHOT TEXAS THOMPSON "Which they starts the yarn in Red Dog that the shootin that time between Tutt an Texas is born of sectional feelin , an because Texas is a southern gent, while Tutt comes from the No th. Sech explanations is absurd as Doc Peets well says. Also, I m yere to go one word further an state that, while it s like them Red Dogs, idle an mendacious as they freequent be, to go fosterin sech fictions, thar ain t a syllable of trooth tharin from soda to hock. The flareup has its start in them two children, Annalinda Thompson an little En- right Peets, an what sentiments of rivalry nacherally seizes on Tutt an Texas as parent an uncle reespective." "Still there must have been some degree of sectional feeling among you," I said, more by way of stirring my old cattleman up than any nobler purpose; "coming some of you from the South, and others from the North, it would 260 How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 261 have been strange indeed had it been other wise." "Which it s shore strange, then. Them iWolfville pards of mine is one an all United States men. They ain t Southern men, nor No thern men, nor Eastern men, nor even .Western men. Likewise, the improodent sport who d go trackin round, ondertaikin to desig nate em as sech, would get toomultuous ac tion, plenty soon and plenty of it. "Why, take Texas himse f : Thar s a fly- by-night party pesterin round camp for a space, who lets on he s from the same neck of woods as Texas. This yere annoyin fraud is a heap proud of it, too, an makes a speshulty of bein caught a lot in Texas company. He figgers it gives him a standin . "One mornin , when only a few of us is per- vadin round, he plants himse f plumb com fortable an important in a Red Light cha r, an f ollowin the nitial drink for the day goes to talkin with Texas. "As he sets thar, all fav rable an free, thar comes trackin in a aged Eastern gent, who s been negotiatin with Armstrong about busi ness concernin the Noo York store. The aged 262 Faro Nell and Her Friends Eastern shorthorn goes rockin up to the counter, an p litely lets on to Black Jack that he ll licker. As he does so this yere firegilt party who boasts he s of the same range an breed as Texas speaks up, sharp an coarse, like the bark of a dog: " Yere, you! I wants a word or two with you-all ! "With that for a start he onfurls what he preetends is his grievances, the same bein be cause of somethin the aged Eastern sport does or don t do comin over on Monte s stage which they re fellow passengers that time, it seems an next he cuts loose, an goes to vitooperatin an reecrim natin , an pilin in sult on epithet, that a-way, to beat four of a kind. Which he certainly does give that aged Eastern person a layin out! Shore; he s jest showin off at that, an tryin to impress Texas. "At the beginnin the aged Eastern gent stands like he s dazed, onable to collect him- se f. However, he gets his mental feet onder him, an allowin he won t stay none to listen to sech tirades, tucks away his nosepaint an pulls out. How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 263 "After he s gone the vitooperative party wheels so s to face Texas, an says mighty pleasant an agree ble, like the object of the meetin s been most happ ly accomplished: " Thar, that shows you. " Whatever does it show? Texas asks, some grim. Which it shows the difference between a No thern gent an a Southern gent. To be shore, that old cimmaron ain t half my size an is twict my age, but all the same, Texas, if he s from the South, you bet, like you an me, he d tore into me, win or lose, if he d got killed! You think so? says Texas, his eyes be- comin as hard an glitterin as a snake s. Now let me tell you something, my lion- hearted friend. Thar s brave men South, an brave men No th. Also, thar s quitters; quit ters at both ends of that No thern-Southern trail who ll go into the water like a mink. Ac- cordin to my experiences, an I ve been dally- in with hoomanity in the herd for quite some time, thar s nothin in that geographical bluff of yours at all. Moreover, I reckons that be fore I m through, seein now you ve got me 264 Faro Nell and Her Friends goin , I ll prove it. For a starter, then, takin your say-so for it, you re a Southern man? " Which that s shore c rrect, the other re sponds, but feeble; y u an me > as I sa y s f r " mer, is both Southern men. f Bueno! Now as calk lated to demonstrate how plumb onfounded is them theeries of yours yere Texas gets up, an kicks his cha r back so he s got room *I has pleasure in in- formin you that you re a onmitigated hoss- thief ; an you don t dare stand up. Yes, sir; you re onfit to drink with a nigger or eat with a dog; an you ll set thar an take it. "Which that aboosive party, pale as paper, certainly does set thar an take it preecisely as Texas prophecies; an after glowerin at him, red-eyed an f rocious for a moment, Texas sticks his paws in his jeans, an sa nters off. "It s jest as well. Why, if that humbug so much as curls a lip or crooks a finger, after Texas takes to enunciatin them prop sitions in philosophy, Texas d have tacked him to the table with his bowie an left him kickin , same as them goggled-eyed professors who calls How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 265 themselves naeheralists does some buzzin fly with a pin. " Which, if thar s anything, Texas explains to Enright, that makes me tired particular, it s them cracks about No th an South. If I was range boss for these yere United States I d shore have them deescriptives legislated into a cap tal offence. " Sech observations as that narrow tarrapin onbosoms, comments Enright, only goes to show how shallow he is. Comin down to the turn, even that old Eastern shorthorn s walk- in away from him don t necessar ly mean a lack of sand. Folks does a heap of runnin in this vale of tears, but upon various an varyin argyooments. A gent runs from a polecat, an he runs from a b ar; but the reason ain t the same. "Thar s no sectionalisms in Tutt s differ ences with Texas, none whatever. Also, while it finds, as I holds, its roots in Annalinda an little Enright Peets, it don t arise from nothin which them babies does to one another. Two pups in the same basket, two birds on the same bough, couldn t have got along more harmon - ous. The moment Nell brings little En- 266 Faro Nell and Her Friends right Peets over to see Annalinda them chil dren falls together like a shock of oats, an at what times they re onhobbled of fam ly ree- strictions an footloose so to do, you d see em playin round from sun-up till dark, same as a pa r of angels. "Troo, Annalinda does domineer over little Enright Peets, an makes him fetch an carry an wait on her; an thar s times, too, when she shore beats him up with a stick or quirt some lib ral. But what else would you expect? I even encounters little Enright Peets, down on all-fours, an Annalinda ridin him like he s a hoss. Likewise, she s kickin his ribs a heap, to make him go faster. But that s nothin ; them two babies is only playin . "Not that I m none so shore it ain t this yere last identical spectacle which gives Nell the notion of them two children marryin at some footure day. That, however, is merest surmise, an in a manner onimportant. What I d like to get proned into you-all is that Texas an Tutt lockin horns like they does has its single cause in them latent jealousies an struggles for social preecedence, which is bound to occur between a only father an a How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 267 only uncle wharever found. Which the single safegyard lies in sech a multitoode of fathers an uncles as renders em common. To pos sess but one of each makes em puffed up an pride-blown, an engenders a mootual uppish- ness which before all is over is shore to man - fest itse f in war. "Thar s one boast we-all is able to make, however. That clash between Tutt an Texas is the only shore-enough trouble which ever breaks out among the boys. You onderstands, of course, that when I says boys that a-way, I alloodes to Enright an Peets an them others who constitootes Wolfville s social an com mercial backbone. Thar s other embroglios more or less smoky an permiscus, which gets pulled off one way an another, but they ain t held to apply to us of rights. For sech alien hookups, so to speak, we reefooses all reespon- s bility. Which we regyards them escapades as fortooitous, an declines em utter. Tutt s goin against Texas is the only war- jig we feels to be reely Wolfville s." "You forget," I said teasingly, "the shoot ing between Boggs and Tutt, as incident to the Washerwoman s War." 268 Faro Nell and Her Friends "Which, that?" There was impatience tinged with acrimony in the tones. "That s nothin more n gallantry. It s what s to be looked for whar thar s ladies about, an is doo to a over-effervescence of sperit, common to the younger males of our species when made gala an giddy by the alloorin flutter of a pet ticoat. Boggs an Tutt don t honestly mean them bullets none. Also, if you-all is goin to keep on with your imbecile interruptions, I ll quit." Abject apologies on my part, supported by equally abject promises of reform. The old gentleman, thus mollified, resumed: "Goin back to this yere Tutt-Texas col lision, thar s no denyin , an be fa r about it, but what Tutt has grounds. For goin on five years he s been looked up to as the only father in camp, an for Texas to appear at what you- all might call the leventh hour an go crowdin disdainfully into the picture on nothin more n bein a uncle, is preepost rous. To prance round on sech a meager showin , puttin on the dog he does, an all in a somber, overbear- in way like he s packin the world on his shoulders an we-all s got to be a heap careful How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 269 not to do nothin to him to make him drop it, is inexcoosable to the verge of outrage. No rel tive in the third or fo th degree is jestified to assoome sech sooperiorities ; an Enright tells Texas so after Peets digs the lead out of the thick of his laig. "Which we gets orig nal notice about An- nalinda, when a passel of us, as is our custom followin first drink time in the evenin , drifts into the post office. Some gets letters, some don t ; an Texas, who, as a roole, don t have no voloominous correspondence, is sayin that he has the same feelin about letters he has about trant lers, as bein a heap more likely to sting you than anything else, when the postmaster shoves him out one. "It s from Laredo, an when Texas gets a glimpse at the mark on it he lets it fall on- opened to the floor. It s my former wife ! he says, with a shud der. Yere she is, startin in to get the upper hand of me ag in. Nonsense ! says Peets, pickin up the let ter, it s from some lawyers. Can t you see their names yere up in the corner? That don t mean nothin , Texas whispers 270 Faro Nell and Her Friends he s shore a heap shook; it d be about her speed, as she goes plottin afresh to ondermine me in my present peace, to rope up a law-wolf to show her how. "Bein urged by Peets, an the balance of us asshorin him we ll stand pat in his destinies come what may an defend him to the bitter finish, Texas manages to open the envelope. As he stands thar readin the scare in his face begins to fade in favor of a look of gloom. " Gents, he says, at last, it s my brother Ed. He s cashed in. We expresses the reg - lation reegrets, an Texas continyoos: Ed leaves me his baby girl, Annalinda she s my niece. After a pause he adds: This yere shore requires^ consideration. " These law sharps, explains Texas, when we re organized all sociable in the Red Light, an Black Jack s come through on right an reg lar lines, allows it s Ed s dyin reequest that I take an ride paternal herd on this in fant child. " But how about its mother? urges En- right. " Which it ain t got none. Its mother dies two years ago. Now Ed s packed in, that How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 271 baby s been whipsawed; it s a full-fledged or phan, goin an cominV * Ain t thar no rel tives on the mother s side? asks Nell, from over back of Cherokee s lay -out. Meanest folks, Nellie, says Texas, bar none, between the Colorado an the Missis sippi. You see they re kin to my Laredo wife, me an Ed both marryin into the same tribe. Which it shows the Thompson intell gence. Thar ain t a Thompson yet who don t need a guardeen constant. "After no end of discussion that a-way it s onderstood to be the gen ral notion that Texas ought to bring Ed s orphan baby to Wolf- ville. " But s ppose, says Texas, that in spite of Ed wantin me to cast my protectin pinions over this yere infant, its mother s outfit, think- in mebby to shake me down for some dinero, objects? In which case, says Boggs, who s plumb interested, you sends for me, Texas, an we mavericks it. You ain t goin to let no sech callous an onfeelin gang as your wife s folks go round dictatin about Ed s Annalinda child, 272 Faro Nell and Her Friends be you, an givin you a standoff? Which you re only tryin to execoote Ed s dying be hests. "It s settled final that Texas, ag inst what ever opp sition, has got to bring on Annalinda to us. That disposed of, it next comes nacher- ally up as a question how, when we gets Anna linda safe to Wolfville, she s goin to be took care of. " Which the O. K. Restauraw won t do, Texas says, lookin anxious out of the tail of his eye at Enright an Peets. Mind, I ain t hintin nothin ag inst Missis Rucker, who hasn t got her Southwest equal at flapjacks, but I submits that for a plastic child that a-way, at a time when it receives impressions easy, to daily witness the way she maltreats Rucker, is to go givin that infant wrong idees of what s coming to husbands as a whole. I m a hard man, gents ; but I don t aim to bring up this yere Annalinda baby so that one day she s encouraged to go handin out the racket to some onforchoonate sport, which my Laredo wife hands me. " Thar s reasons other than Missis Rucker, Enright is quick to observe, why the O. K. How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 273 House ain t the fittest place for infancy, an any discussion of our esteemable hostess in them marital attitoodes of hers is sooperfluous. S ppose we lets it go, without elab ration, that the O. K. House, from nursery standp ints, won t do. "Cherokee thinks that mighty likely a good way d be to have Annalinda live with Tutt an Tucson Jennie. "Peets shakes his sagacious head. " Dave ll onderstand my p sition to be purely scientific, he says, glancin across at Tutt, when I states that sech a move d be a error. Tucson Jennie, as wife an mother, is as fine as silk. But she s also a female woman, an owns a papoose of her own. Thar s inborn reasons why woman, as sech, while sympathetic an gen rally speakin plumb lovely, is onca- pable onder certain circumstances of a squar deal. In this yere business of babies, for ex ample, thar s existed throughout the ages a onbridgable gulf in her eyes between her off spring an other folks offspring; an while dis claiming all disloyalty to Tucson Jennie, I m obleeged to say that as between Annalinda an little Enright Peets, she wouldn t be cap ble 274 Faro Nell and Her Friends of a even break. Do I overstate the trooth, Dave? " None whatever, Tutt returns. "What you discovers scientific, Doc, I learns more painfully as husband an father. I fully agrees that when it comes to other folks children no female mother can hold the onbiased scales. " Thar s French an his wife? chirps Nell, her elbow on the layout, an her little round chin in her fist; thar s the Frenches, over to the corrals? French an Benson Annie ain t got no children, an they d be pleased to death at havin Annalinda. " But be they competent? asks Texas, over whom a f eelin of se f-importance is already be- ginnin to creep like ivy on a wall. I don t want to be considered a carper, but as I sees it I d be doin less n my dooty as a uncle if I fails to ask, Be them Frenches competent? " You ll have to rope up a nurse some ers, anyhow, Texas, Boggs puts in. Thar s doz ens of them good-nachered fat young senoritas among the Mexicans who ll do. The nurse would know her business, even if the Frenches don t. " Two nurses, declar s Tutt. Bein a How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 275 father, I savvys the nurse game from start to finish. Yon ll need two; one to hold it, an one to fetch it things. " But about them Frenches? inquires Jack Moore. Ain t we goin a little fast? Mebby they themselves has objections. " Which they d look mighty well, observes Cherokee, riflin the deck an snappin it into the box plenty vicious, to go round objectin after Nellie yere s done put em in nom nation for this trust. " Not that they d reeject it haughty, ex plains Moore; but, as Texas himse f says, who s to know, they bein mighty modest peo ple, that they ll regyard themselves as comp - tent? The Frenches ain t had no practice, an thar s nothin easier than a misdeal about a youngone. Thar s a brainless mother saws her baby off on me over in Prescott one day, while she goes cavortin into a store to buy a frock, an you-all can go put a bet on it I m raisin the he pless long yell inside of the first minute. This takin charge of babies ain t no sech pushover as it looks. It s certainly no work for amatoors. " Thar s nothin in them doubts, Jack, 276 Faro Nell and Her Friends Boggs chips in confidently. Even if them Frenches ain t had no practice, an the nurses should fall down, thar s dozens of us who ll be ever at the elbow of that household; an if in their ignorance they takes to bunglin the play we ll be down on em in the cockin of a Win chester to give em the proper steer. " I reckon, Nellie, says Texas, lookin wist ful across at Nell, that if some of the boys yere ll stand your watch as lookout, you d put in a day layin in a outfit of duds? You could be doin it, you know, while I m down in Laredo, treating with them hostiles for pos session. " Shore, an Nellie smiles at the prospect. Which I ll jest go stampedin over to Tucson for em, too. How old is Annalinda? "Texas gives Annalinda s age as three. "She ll be four next fall, says he; I re members Ed writes me she s born durin the beef roundup. " In that case, comments Enright, she ought to stand about eight hands high. In clawin together said raiment, Nellie, that ll give you some impression of size. " An , Nellie, continyoos Texas, my idee How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 277 is you ll want to change in say a thousand dol lars? " Why, Texas, you talk like you re locoed. One hundred ll win out all the clothes she could sp ile, w ar or far to pieces in a year. " Shore, coincides Tutt; take little Enright Peets. One hundred pesos leaves him lookin like a circus. " But Annalinda, objects Texas doubt fully, is a She. It costs more for girls. That Laredo wife of mine d blow in the price of sixty head of cattle, an then allow she ain t half dressed. " One hundred ll turn the trick, Nell in sists. "All that night we sets up discussin an con- siderin . The more we talks the better we likes that Annalinda idee. "At sun-up, b arin the best wishes of all, Texas cinches a hull into his quickest pony, an hits the trail for Tucson to take the railroad kyars for Laredo. Which, onless they gives me more of a battle than I anticipates, he remarks, as he pushes his feet into the stirrup, I ll be back by ten days. 278 Faro Nell and Her Friends " An , Texas, says Boggs, detainin him by the bridle rein, you-all beat it into that baby that I m her Uncle Dan. It ll give you some thing to do comin back. " Which, jedgin from what I goes through that day in Prescott, remarks Moore, mighty cynical, Texas ll have plenty to do. "Texas don t meet up with no partic lar Laredo opposition, them relatives appearin almost eager to give him Annalinda. One of em even goes the insultin len th of offerin to split the expense, but withdraws his bluff when Texas threatens to brain him with a six- shooter. "Boggs, hearin of this Laredo willin ness, can t onderstand it no how. " It s too many for me, he says. If it s me, now, I d have clung to that blessed baby till the cows come home. They must shore be deeficient in taste, them Laredo yahoos ! "As exhibitin how soon bein moved into cel bration as a uncle begins to tell on Texas he ups an in the fullness of his vanity dee- cides, even before he arrives at Laredo, ag inst the scheme which the camp s half laid out about the Frenches an Annalinda, an ar- How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 279 ranges to have a doby of his own. It s a blow to the Frenches, too, for since we notifies em, they has set their hearts on the racket. "But Texas is immov ble. " Ed s dyin , says he, an namin me to be reespons ble for Annalinda, creates a sityooa- tion best met by me havin a wickeyup of my own. I m sorry to disapp int, but after ma- toore reeflection, that a- way, I ve conclooded to play a lone hand. "While he s away Texas goes projectin round an cuts out a couple of old black mammies from a day nursery over in Dallas, an brings em along. They an Annalinda rides over from Tucson in the stage ; but, bein more familiar with the saddle, an because he s better able tharfrom to soopervise an go dic- tatin terms to Monte, he himse f comes on his pony. An , gents, whines Monte, as, throw- in down the reins, he heads for the Red Light bar, between us he ain t the same Texas. That Annalinda child has shore changed him tur- rible. All the way from Tucson, when he ain t crowdin up to the wheel to give orders to them Senegambians about how to hold or 280 Faro Nell and Her Friends when to feed her, he s menacin at me. That s why I m three hours late. At rough places it looks like thar ain t no name mean enough for him to call me ; an once, when the front wheel jolts into a chuckhole an Annalinda sets up a squall, he pulls a gun an threatens in the most frenzied way to shoot me up. "You be more careful," he roars, "or I ll blow you plumb off your perch ! Childhood, that a-way, is a fragile flower; an if you figgers I ll set yere an , in the tender instance of my own pers nal niece, see some booze-besotted drunkard break that flower short off at the stalk, I ll fool you up a whole lot." An do you-all know, Monte concloodes, almost with a sob, he never does let down the hammer of his .45 ag in for most a mile. "Annalinda is plumb pretty. The whole camp goes her way like a landslide. Tucson Jennie approves of her with reeservations, of course, in favor of little Enright Peets; Missis Rucker finds time to snatch a few mo ments, between feedin us an bossin Rucker, to go see her every day; while, as for Nell, she s in an out of Texas doby mornin , noon an night to sech extents that half the time "HIM AN* ANNALINDA SHORE DO CONSTITOOTE A PICTURE. THAR 8 A PA*R TO DRAW TO, BAYS NELL TO TEXAS, HER EVES LIKE BROWN DIAMONDS." p. 281. How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 281 Cherokee ain t got no lookout, an when he has it s Boggs. "Nell brings over little Enright Peets, an thar s no backin away from it him an Anna- linda shore do constitoote a picture. " Thar s a pa r to draw to! says Nell to Texas, her eyes like diamonds. "Bein romantic, like all girls, an full of fancies that a-way, Nell indulges in playful specyoolations about Annalinda an little En- right Peets gettin married later on. Not that she intends anything, although Texas takes it plenty serious, which shows how his egotism is already workin overtime. "When Monte puts up them groans about how Texas is changed, we-all lays it to the complainin habit which, on account of whiskey mebby, has got to be second nacher with him. He s always kickin about some thing; an so, nacherally, when he onbosoms himse f of that howl about Texas, we don t pay no speshul heed. It ain t three days, however, before it begins to break on us that for once Monte s right. Texas has certainly changed. Thar s a sooperior manner, what you d call a loftiness, about him, which is hard 282 Faro Nell and Her Friends to onderstand an harder to put up with. It gets to be his habit constant to reemark in a wearied way, as he slops out his drinks, that we-airil have to excoose him talkin to us much, because he s got cares on his mind, be sides bein played out on account of settin up all night with Annalinda. " Which she s sheddin her milk teeth, he d say, an it makes her petyoolant. "After which he d turn away in dignified tol ration, same as if we re too low an dull to a preeciate what he has to b ar. "Or, ag in an always before the draw he d throw down his hand in a poker game, an scramble to his feet, sayin : " Heavens ! I forgets about that Annalinda child! "An with that he d go skallyhootin off into space, leavin us planted thar with a misdeal on our hands, an each one of us holdin mebby better than aces-up, an feelin shore we could have filled. It s nothin less n awful the way he acts ; an that we lets him get away with it exhibits them sentiments of Christian charity which permeates our breasts. "Thar s the way, too, he goes hectorin at How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 283 Boggs ! Two occasions in partic lar I reecalls ; an it s only Boggs forbearance that hostil - ties don t ensoo. One time when Annalinda s out for a walk with her two old black mam mies Boggs crosses up with the outfit an kisses Annalinda. Wharupon Texas yells out from across the street, like he s been bit by a rattle snake : " Don t do that, Dan! You ll mebby give her something. In Mother Shrews bury s "What Ails Babies and Why" it s laid down emphatic that you mustn t kiss em. 1 But you kisses her, retorts Boggs. " Me? But I m her uncle. Besides, I only kisses her hands. Which I ll permit you-all to kiss her hands, Dan, if that ll do you. Only don t you go to overplay it none. Don t for get that hands is the limit, an it s thar whar you gets off. Which I ain t none shore, says Boggs, who s some hurt, as he s talkin the thing over with Enright an Cherokee in the Red Light which I ain t none shore but Texas is right; only he oughtn t to throw out them rooles of health of his so plumb offensive. You d have 284 Faro Nell and Her Friends reckoned from the row he makes I m eatin Annalinda. "Another time Boggs gives Annalinda his six-shooter to play with, she havin deemanded it with screams. Texas comes steamin up. Dan, he cries, grabbin the weepon from Annalinda, sometimes I asks myse f in all ser - ousness be you got common sense! Is this yere a snare you re settin for this innocent child? Do you-all want her to blow her head plumb off? " But, Texas, Boggs expostyoolates, thar ain t a chance. How s she goin to cock that gun, an the mainspring fifteen pounds resis tance ? " But she might drop it. Which, if she does, it can t go off none; I sets the hammer between two shells on pur pose. " Whoever s bringin up this yere baby, you or me? Texas deemands, as he tosses Boggs his gun. Please don t pass her no more ar tillery. If it s got to whar her existence is goin to be a failure onless she s foolin with a gun, I as her uncle preefers to furnish said hardware myse f. How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 285 "Shore, Boggs stands it, it s so evident Texas is onhinged. " An if you look at it straight it ain t no wonder, neither, says Boggs, who s mighty forgivin that a-way. It s apples to ashes if you was to suddenly up an enrich any of us with a niece like Annalinda, we-all in goin crazy over her d give Texas kyards an spades. "Texas, who s always readin medicine books, likes to go bulgin round eloocidatin about measles an scarlet fever an whoopin cough, an what other maladies is allers layin in wait to bushwhack infancy. At sech mo ments he s plenty speecious an foxy, so s to trap us into deebates with him. Mebby it ll be about the mumps, an what s to be done ; an then, after he gets us goin , he ll r ar back the actchooal image of insult an floor us with Mother Shrewsbury. It ain t no overstatin a sityooation to say he pursoos these yere tac tics ontil he s the admitted pest of the camp, an thar ain t one of us but would sooner see a passel of Apaches comin than him. He can t confab two minutes about Annalinda but he grows so insultin you simply has to hold onto 286 Faro Nell and Her Friends your manhood by the scruff of the neck not to go for him. "Even Enright ain t exempt. It comes out casyooally one evenin , as Texas goes layin down the law about how he s r arin Annalinda, that Enright s mother was wont to sooth an engage his infantile hours with a sugar-rag an a string of spools. Which you should have shore seen Texas look at him! Not with ree- spect, mind you; not like he s heard anything worth while or interestin . But like he s sayin to himse f, An you sets thar offerin yourse f as a argyooment in favor of sugar-rags an strings of spools ! On the back of sech a warn- in you don t figger none I ll go givin sugar- rags an strings of spools to Annalinda, do you? While he s thinkin this he grins that patronizin it d set your teeth on edge. "Texas in a simple sperit of vain-glory d take advantage of Tutt bein a father that a-way to back him into a corner; an then, ignorin the rest of us as belongin to the bar- b rous herd, he d insist on discussin skunk oil as a remedy for croup. An the worst of it is he finally has Tutt, who s bad enough before, gyratin round, his addled nose to the sky in How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 287 redoubled scorn of childless men. From the two sociablest sports in camp it gets so that the uncle in one an father in the other so far supplants an shoves aside the mere man in em that Job himse f would have had to make a new record for meekness an long sufferin to get along with em. Which we-all suffers from both to that extent that when they does start to bombardin each other the eepisode in some of its angles appeals to us as a welcome relief. "Even Peets goes after Texas. It don t do no good. He s become that opinionated he ain t got no more reespect for Peets than for Monte. Texas mentions that Annalinda s got a ache some ers, an asks Peets what s his idee. " Thar s nothin onder the firmament, Texas, the matter with that baby, says Peets, but you. Which if you d ever got to him as a yearlin you d a-killed Hercules himse f! Quit yore fussin , an give Annalinda a chance. Take a lesson from the cub coyote. Roll Annalinda out in the sand, an let her scuffle. That s the way to bring a youngone up. Mother Shrewsbury don t agree with you, says Texas. Also, thar s nothin in them 288 Faro Nell and Her Friends cub coyote claims of yours for r arin chil dren. * Mother Shrewsbury, retorts Peets, is nothin but a patent med cine outfit, which feeds an fattens on sech boneheads as you. Excoose me, but scattered throughout that invalyooable work is the endorsements of doctors of divinity. " Shore! Half the time a gold brick comes to you wrapped in a tract. All the same, Texas, the way you re carryin on about Anna- linda is fast bringin your sanity into doubt. "Texas snorts his scorn at this, an goes back to Mother Shrewsbury. "As I ve already s ggested, however, thar s a bitter drop in Texas cup, an Tutt s the drop. As a ondeniable father, Tutt can put it all over Texas or any other mere uncle when ever he feels like it, an deep down in his heart Texas knows it. He struggles to hide the feel- in , but any one can tell that the very sight of Tutt is wormwood to him. "Likewise, Tutt fully ree lizes his sooperi- ority, an in no wise conceals the same. It comes as easy to Tutt as suckin aiggs, he hav- in had plenty of practice. Ever since little How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 289 J^Jnright Peets is born Tutt has conducted him- fe*f in a downhill manner towards all of us, a"n been allowed to do so; as why not? This manner has become so much a part of Tutt that even after Texas inherits Annalinda an sets up house for himse f, while it makes the rest of us look up to him some, it don t he p him none with Tutt. Tutt s too thoroughly aware of the difference between bein a father an bein a uncle. Likewise, he lets Texas see it at every twist in the trail. "That time Nell takes to pa rin off little Enright Peets an Annalinda, an in a sperit of lightness speaks of how mebby some day they ll wed, she springs the notion on Texas, as stated, an asks him what he thinks. Texas, who always has to have time to make up his mind about anything with Annalinda in it, is enable to say, first dash out of the box, whether he feels tickled or sore. He grows plenty solemn, as I mentions, grunts mighty elevated an austere, an mumbles about some things bein a long shot an a limb in the way, an the wisdom of not crossin a bridge till you gets to it. "Ten minutes later, while he s still got An- 290 Faro Nell and Her Friends nalinda an little Enright Peets on the skyline of his regyard, Texas comes upon Tutt, who s talkin pol tics to Armstrong. Armstrong has tossed off a few weak-minded opinions about a deef ensive an offensive deal with Rus sia, an Tutt s ag in it as solid as a sod house. " Yes, sir, Tutt s saying; I m ag in any sech low alliance. I d be ashamed to call my- se f a white man an consent to sech open-eyed disgrace. "Texas turns white. It s among his deefects that he can t escape the feelin that the whole world is always thinkin an talkin about what ever he himse f is thinkin an talkin about. Overhearin what Tutt says, he concloodes that Tutt s declarin his sent ments as to little En- right Peets marryin Annalinda, an is out to reeject all sech alliances as a disgrace to the Tutts. An Texas foomes. To be eat up by Tutt s sooperior station as a shore father is bad enough ! An now yere s Tutt, aggravatin injury with insult! Which it s too much! " Draw your weepon, Dave, 5 calls out Texas, bringin his own gun to the front. Your bein a father don t overawe me none, you bet! Likewise, if you re a Tutt I m a How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 291 Thompson, an I ve stood about all I m going to. "Tutt, as a old experienced gun-player, sees at a glance that he ain t got no time to throw out skirmishers. For reasons onknown, but s fficient, thar s Texas manooverin to plug him. Wharupon, Tutt takes steps accordin , an takes em some abrupt. So abrupt, in trooth, that Texas ain t got through oratin before his nigh hind laig has stopped a bullet midway above the knee. Shore, he gets a shot at Tutt, but it goes skutterin along in the sand a full foot to one side. Thar s only them two shots, Enright, Armstrong an Jack Moore gettin in between em, an nippin any further trouble in the bud. "It s two hours later, an Enright has come round to beat some sense into Texas. " Accordin to the Doc yere, says Enright, as Peets ladles the invalid out a hooker of Old Jordan, that laig ll be so you can ride ag in in a month. Pendin which, while I don t pree- tend to savvy what s been goin on between you an Dave, nor what insults has been give or took, I no less tells you, Texas, that you re wrong. 292 Faro Nell and Her Friends " As how? growls Texas, gulpin down the nosepaint. " As to them airs which of late you dons. You know you can t defend em none. Dave s been the sole onchallenged father in this yere outfit for crowdin nigh five years ; an for you to come swaggerin up, insistin that he divide the pot with you an you holdin nothin higher than a niece, nacherally exasperates him be yond endoorance. Which you d feel the same yourse f in Dave s place. But you don t onderstand, Sam. It s him connivin round an archin his neck ag inst them babies marryin each other when they re growed up it s that which sets my blood to b ilin . Wharever does Dave come in to get insultin action at sech a prop sition? It ll be a cold day when a Thompson ain t equal to a Tutt, an I ll make that good while I can pull an p int a .45. " Which Dave, inter jecks Peets, as he goes cockin up Texas foot on a gooseha r pillow, so s the shot laig ll feel it less which Dave thinks right now, an so informs me personal, that you-all starts to mussin with him on ac count of pol tics, an him havin been a reepub- How Tutt Shot Texas Thompson 293 lican back East. Armstrong b ars him out, too. " Tol tics? gasps Texas, full of wonder. * Whatever do I care about pol tics? I shore ain t no nigger-lovin reepublican. At the same time, I ain t no cheap hoss-thief of a democrat, neither, even if I does come from Texas. Why, Doc, takin jedge an opposin counsel an the clerk who records the decree, on down to that ornery auctioneer of a sheriff who sells up my stock at public vandoo for costs an al mony the time my Laredo wife grabs off her divorce, every .stick-up among em s a democrat. An while I don t know nothin about pol tics, an never aims to, you can go the limit on it I ain t nothin them bandits be. Which I d sooner be a prohibitionist! "Enright an Peets an Texas keeps on dis- cussin ontil the misonderstandin is laid bar , an Texas is quick to admit that he s been mistook. Tutt, who s willin an ready, is brought in, an the pa r reeconciled. c *An , old man, says Tutt, usin both hands to shake with Texas, I d on the level feel a heap better if it s me who gets busted in the laig. 294 Faro Nell and Her Friends " Don t mention it, Dave, returns Texas, who, now he reelizes what he s done, is deeply affected. I was plumb wrong; I sees it now. Also,, if in the fullness of time Annalinda de- clar s in favor of weddin little Enright Peets, I yereby binds myse f to back them nuptials for a thousand head of steers. "Texas, an the water stands in Tutt s eyes, while it s the first I hears of sech a racket, yere s my hand that I ll go with you, steer for steer an hoof for hoof. "What Peets calls the logic of the sityooa- tion p ints to licker all around; an , as we-all drinks to the onclouded future of Annalinda an little Enright Peets, Texas an Tutt ag in shakes mighty fervent for the second time." XI THE FUNERAL OF OLD HOLT "That Turner person! Does he remain in Wolfville long?" The old cattleman repeated my question as though feeling for its bearings. "Well, he don t break no records. Which I should say now he sojourns with us mebby it s six months before he ups stakes an pulls his freight back East. Oh, no; it ain t that any gent who s licensed to call himse f a molder of public opinion, sech as Enright or Peets, ob jects to the Turner person s further presence none. Speakin gen ral, the heft of feelin is in his favor. Not but what he has deeficiencies. It s no easy shot, offhand, to tell you preecisely whar this Turner person is camped in common esteem. Perhaps it s enough to say he s one of them parties who, while they don t excite your disapproval, is shore to keep you loaded with regrets. "Ain t you met up frequent with that form of horned toad? Thar s nothin you can lodge 295 296 Faro Nell and Her Friends ag inst em, nothin at which a vig lance com mittee can rope an fasten ; they re honest, well meanin , even gen rous; an yet thar they be, upholstered by nacher in some occult way with about the same chance of bein pop lar as a wet dog. Speakin for myse f, I feels sorry for these yere onforchoonate mavericks, con demned as they be at birth to go pirootin from the cradle to the grave, meetin everywhar about the same welcome which awaits a polecat at a picnic. "Thar s no predom natin element of evil in this Turner person. Which in his case the trouble swings an rattles on the way he s built. His crownin deef ect, mighty likely, is that he s got one of them sidehill minds, an what idees he does evolve can t find no foothold, but is robbed at the start of everything reesemblin perm nancy. I watches his comin s in an go- in s out for months on eend, an I m yere to say at the same time ascribin to him no ill intentions that onder all condition an on all o casions he s as onreli ble as a woman s watch. "About that weddin he goes east to con summate? "Which it looks like, speakin mod rate, he The Funeral of Old Holt 297 quits winner. He travels back to Sni-a-bar as tame as tabby cats in persooance with En- right s commands, an , once thar, old man Parks an the rest of em whistles him through the marital chute a heap successful. When he shows up among us, his blushin Peggy bride on his arm, he s wearin all the brands an y ear marks of a thor ughly married man; to sech degrees, indeed, as renders Texas oncom- fortable. " It recalls, says Texas, them honeymoon days I passed with my Laredo wife before she wins out that divorce. It s like a icicle through my heart to look at him, he goes on, aloodin to the Turner person an the fatyoous fog of deelight he s evident in. Thar he is, like a cub b ar, his troubles all before him, an not brains enough onder his skelp-lock to a preeci- ate his awful p sition. Why, Texas, remonstrates Nell as, the turn comin trey-nine, she picks a stack of bloos off the trey an puts it in the check rack, you talks of wedlock as though that sacri- ment s a brace. Plenty of folks has beat the game. Thar s Tutt an Tucson Jennie. " Them nuptials of Dave s an Jennie s, 298 Faro Nell and Her Friends Nell, returns Texas, shakin his head a heap gloomy, ain t far enough to the r ar to afford a preecedent. Wait till Dave wakes up. " "Till Dave wakes up? says Boggs, who s busy at the lay-out, an has jest planted a stack of reds coppered in the big squar . Sech pess mism, Texas, is reedic lous. Bein mar ried that a-way, I takes it, is somethin like walkin a tightrope. It reequires care, but it can be did. To be shore, if anything happens, you re in for a jo-darter of a jolt. Still, the resk don t render the feat imposs ble, an a brave man disregyards it. " That s whatever, comments Nell, as, the king fallin to win, she draws down Boggs s reds. "Thar s no chill on the reception we confers on the Turner person an his Peggy bride. Monte has orders, in case they re aboard, to onlimber his shotgun a mile or two outside of camp, so s we gets notice an is not caught off our gyard. For once the old drunkard is faith ful to his trust, an when we hears him whang- in away with both bar Is, we turns out, as they say in Noo York, en masse. Every gent empties the six chambers of his gun as the stage The Funeral of Old Holt 299 pulls up, an the Turner person he ps out his Peggy bride into the center of a most joyful foosilade. We couldn t have done more if she s the Queen of Sheba. "The Turner person an his Peggy bride is in right from the go. Missis Rucker declar s that the bride s a lady; Nell proclaims her as shore corn-fed, while Tucson Jennie allows she s a whole lot too good for sech a jack-rab bit of a husband as she gets. "Her beauty? "Which you couldn t say it s calc lated to blind. "For mere loveliness she ain t a marker to Nell. To be frank, it s somethin more n a simple question that a-way if she splits even with Tucson Jennie. As for Missis Rucker, that matron bein past her yooth ain t prop erly speakin in the runnin , an to go compar- in her with girls would be injestice. "Once landed, an havin escaped from that ovation we prepar s, the Turner person an his Peggy bride moves into the wickeyup okyoo- pied former by Cash Box Billie an Missis Bill, an opens up their domestic game. Hearin nothin to the contrary, no howls of anguish 300 Faro Nell and Her Friends from him, no yelps of complaint from her, it s safe to say that in what joys is supposed to at tend the connoobyal state, they coppers all of them loogubrious forebodin s of Texas, an gets at least as good as a even break. "Old man Parks back at Sni-a-bar? "It looks like the Turner person, him bein nacherally timid, exaggerates the perils which lurks in that aged cimmaron. Leastwise, old Parks don t offer no voylance to him, neither at the weddin nor later. Some waifword does come creepin along that durin the cer mony two of the guests has to hold old Parks, an that he s searched for weepons by the preacher before ever said divine consents to turn his game at all. Which I m free to say, however, I never lends no creedence to them yarns. "The Turner person, now he s established as a married gent an a cit zen in full standin , gives himse f horn an hide to business that a-way. He s as prompt about openin his cof fin emporium as ever is Black Jack in throwin wide the portals of the Red Light. Once thar, he stays ontil the evenin lamps is lit, layin for a corpse to use his new hearse on. "Also, the Turner person has hopes: an The Funeral of Old Holt 301 equally also he ain t without foundations wharon to build. Thar s an uncle of Arm strong who has come totterin into camp, as he says himse f , to die. Likewise, it s the onbiased view of every gent in the outfit that this reela- tive of Armstrong possesses reasons. He s a walkin wreck. Peets concedes that he s got every malady ever heard of, besides sev ral as to which science is plumb in the dark. "Nacherally, not alone the Turner person, but the public at large, riggers that this yere uncle ll shore furnish employment for the hearse, an at no distant day. But it looks like that onmitigated invalid is out to test our pa tience. Mornin after mornin he comes scuf- flin into the Red Light on two canes to get his matootinal nosepaint, an this he keeps up ontil it begins to look like malice. Ree lizin , too, the pecooliar int rest we-all is bound to take in him onder the circumstances, he puts on airs, an goes by us when he meets us as coldly haughty as a paycar by a tramp. Or, ag in, he s prone to grin at us plenty peevish an malev lent, an this he does partic lar if the Turner person s hoverin round. Which I shore deespises to keep you boys 302 Faro Nell and Her Friends waitin , he d say, with a cacklin , aggravatin laugh; but the way I feels it d be prematoore to go greasin up the hubs of that hearse. "Sech taunts he flings forth constant, ontil he comes mighty near drivin Boggs frantic. * It seems, says Boggs, like simply livin ain t good enough for that old hoss thief. To be wholly happy he s obleeged to make his stay on earth a source of mis ry to other folks. Which he ought to ve been in his tomb ten years ago. Every day he draws his breath is so much velvet; an , instead of bein thankful, all he thinks of is makin mean reemarks an sayin bitin things. He ll keep on till some over-provoked sport bends a six-shooter on his insultin head. "Weeks of waitin goes by. Armstrong s old badger of a uncle hangs on, an no outside corpse falls in, Arizona, as you doubtless savvys, bein scand lously healthy that a-way. So far, too, from any el g ble subject arrivin in the usual way, the town never experiences sech a period of rippleless an onruffled peace. As showin , too, how far the public is willin to go to he p along the play, I need only men tion that on two o casions Boggs leaves out his The Funeral of Old Holt 303 best pony all night, himse f sprawled in behind a mesquite bush with his Winchester, hopin some Mexican ll prove weak enough to want it. All is in vain, however. Thar we be, framed up to give a fooneral from which Cochise County could date time, an nothin in the line of raw material wharwith to pull it off. Which I never sees the gen ral feelin more exasperated. It s as though in a sperit of sar casm our destinies is mockin us. "The Turner person, in the face of this yere disheartenin idleness, takes refooge in a trot- tin hoss, which form of equine is as strange to us as camelopards. Shore, we has our run- nin races, pony ag inst pony, a quarter of a mile dash; but that s as far as we goes. "The Turner person says that for himse f he prefers trottin races, an after seein him ride once I shore quits marvellin at that pref - rence. You could no more keep him on a pony than you could keep him on a red-hot stove. We ties a roll of blankets across the horn of the saddle, an organizes him with buckin straps besides, an in the face of all them safe- gyards he rolls off that hoss same as you d ex pect some chambermaid to do. 304 Faro Nell and Her Friends "Accordin to the Turner person, trottin races is the sport of kings, an aetin on this feelin he sends back East for a boss. He drives it in one evenin behind the stage, an we-all goes over to the corral to size it up. It s considerable of a boss, too, standin three hands higher than the tallest of our ponies. Also, it has a ewe neck an lib ral legs. It s name is Henry of Navarre, but we sees at once that sech ll never do, an re-christens him Boom erang Bob. "When this boss arrives Boggs gets excited, an him an the Turner person lays out a track all around town like a belt. Boggs allows it s a mile long, or near enough, an after a passel of Greasers cl ars away the cactus an mesquite an Spanish bayonet, the Turner person hooks up Boomerang to a mountain wagon, an sends him round an round an round at a pace that d make your eyes stick out so far you could see your sins. Old Boomerang is shore some eevanescent! When that Turner person shakes the reins an yells Skoot! you could hear him whizz. On sech occasions he s nothin short of a four-laigged meteor, an looks forty feet long passin a given p int. The Funeral of Old Holt 305 "The big drawback is that thar ain t no quadrooped anywhar about to race Boomerang ag inst. Leastwise, we don t hear of none for goin on some months, an when we do it s as far away as Albuquerque. Some consump tive tenderfoot, it looks like, has got a trottin hoss over some ers between Albuquerque an Socorro, sech at least is the word which comes to us. "When this pulmonary sport hears of Boomerang, which he does by virchoo of the overblown boastin s of the Turner person, he announces that his hoss, Toobercloses, can beat him for money, marbles or chalk. Then comes a season of bluff an counter-bluff, the pul monary party insistin that the Turner person bring Boomerang up to Albuquerque, an the Turner person darin the pulmonary sport to fetch his dog, as he scornfully terms Toober closes, down to Wolfville. "It s to be said for the Turner person that he d have shore took Boomerang, an gone ro- mancin off to Albuquerque, lookin for that weak-lunged reprobate an his hoss, only sent - ment is plumb ag inst it. We-all don t pro pose to lose the camp the advantages of that 306 Faro Nell and Her Friends contest, an so to put an eend to discussion, we urges upon the Turner person that we-all ll shore kill him if he tries. This yere firmness gives us the preference over Albuquerque, an the pulmonary sport allows final that he ll come to Wolfville, but don t say when. "While eevents is thus a-whirl, an the camp s all keyed up to concert pitch over the comin race between Boomerang an Toober- closes, the long-hoped for comes to pass an the Turner person, as fooneral director, receives his nitial call. Over in Red Dog is a party named Holt. He ain t standin none too high, him havin married a Mexican woman, an even them Red Dogs has the se f-respect to draw the social line at Mexicans. One sun-up, how ever, she goes trapesin across the line to visit her people down near Casa Grande, an she never does come back. It looks like she s got enough of old Holt, which to gents who knows him don t go trenchin on the strange. "The long suit of this yere Mexican wife of old Holt s is thinkin she s sick, she holdin that she s got as many things the matter with her as is preyin on Armstrong s uncle. When she breaks out of the corral an goes stamped- The Funeral of Old Holt 307 in off to her tribe, she leaves behind mebby it s a hundred bottles or more of patent med - cine, rangin all the way from arnica to ha r dye. "Followin her flight that a-way old Holt goes to takin an account of stock by way of seein what she cabbages an what she leaves, an the first flash he blunders upon this yere bushel or so of drugs. He s too froogal to throw em away, old Holt is, bein plumb par- s monious that a-way, an after revolvin the play in his mind for a spell, he ups an swal lows em to save em. "No one ever does figger out jest what in- dividyooal med cine bumps old Holt off that time, an thar s no sayin whether it s the arnica or the ha r dye or some other deecoction, or simply the whole clan-jamfrey in comb nation. Not that any gent goes to reely delvin for the trooth, the gen ral interest pitchin camp con tentedly on the simple fact that old Holt s been shore put over the jump. Doc Peets? Old Holt s packed in before the Doc s half way to Red Dog. Shore; some of them bottled med - cines is as ack rate an as full of action as a six-shooter. 308 Faro Nell and Her Friends "Of course we-all is pleased to think the Turner person, as fooneral director, ain t been born to bloom onseen, but the rift in the floote is that the corpse belongs to Red Dog. Old Holt ain t ours none, an from whatever angle we looks at it it appears like Wolfville ain t goin to get a look in. "It s at pinches sech as this that Enright shows his genius for leadership. While all of us is lookin bloo, to see how Red Dog beats us to it for our own hearse, our fertile old war chief is ribbin up a game for pop lar relief. "The Red Dog del gation, headed by the Red Dog chief, comes over to round up the Turner person an his hearse to entomb old Holt. At their showin up Enright begins to onkiver his diplomacy. " Which we symp thizes with you-all in your bereevement, gents, says he to the Red Dog bunch, but it s ag inst our rooles for this yere hearse to go outside of camp. Ain t you actin some niggardly about that hearse? asks the Red Dog chief coldly. Not niggardly, only proodent. Death cometh as a thief in the night, speshully in Arizona, an we-all d be a fine band of prairie The Funeral of Old Holt 309 dogs to go lendin our only hearse all over the territory, an mebby have it skallyhootin round som ers up about the Utah line jest when we needs it at home. However, as re- footin your onjest charge of bein niggards, if you-all Red Dogs wants to bring deceased over yere, our entire lay-out is at your disposal. Al- lowin you can find your own sky-pilot, we stands ready to not only let you have our hearse, but furnish you likewise with moosic from the Bird Cage Op ry House, cha rs from the dance hall, the Noo York store to hold serv ces in, to say nothin to considerin you-all as our guests from soda to hock, with every Red Light thing said term implies. 6 Also, observes Peets, who, from his place at Enright s elbow, is ridin circumspect herd on the play also, we presents you-all, with out money an without price, a sepulcher in our buryin ground on Boot Hill. "This yere last provokes a storm of protest, the Red Dog delegation takin turns exposchoo- latin . But Enright an the Doc stands ca mly pat. " Which now, says the Red Dog chief, an* his tones is bitter which now I begins to 310 Faro Nell and Her Friends ketch onto your plot. You savvys as well as I do that old Holt don t ought to go into your pile at all. He belongs in our pile to Red Dog s pile. An let me reemind you intriguers that Red Dog owns its own cem tery over in Headboard Hollow, an ain t askin graveyard odds of any outfit west of the Spanish Peaks. This is a fine idee, he eoncloods, turnin sneer- in ly to his cohorts ; not content with tryin to grab off these yere obs quies, they re brazenly manooverin to purloin the corpse. "At these contoomelius reemarks Boggs, Tutt, Moore an Cherokee takes to edgin to the fore, but Enright reepr esses em with a admon tory wave of his hand. " Gents, he says, to the Red Dog hold-ups, as vis tors, even though se f-invited, you re entitled to courtesy. But thar s a limit goes with courtesy even, an you-all mustn t press it. "This last sets the Red Dog outfit back on its apol getic ha nches, an after a few more footile but less insultin bluffs, they retires to consult. The wind-up is that they yields to Enright s terms, incloosive of Boot Hill, an after libatin at the Red Light they canters off The Funeral of Old Holt 311 to freight over old Holt, so s to be ready to hold the f ooneral next day. "As I looks back to them prep rations thar s no denyin that as a f ooneral director the Tur ner person proves himse f plumb cap ble of gettin thar with the goods. Once he reeceives the word, everything goes off as measured an ? steady as the breathin of a sleepin child. Even the Red Dog chief is moved to softer views, as gents frequent be followin the eighth drink, an whispers to Enright, confi- denshul, that when all s in the only thing he deplores is that old Holt is bein planted on Boot Hill instead of in Headboard Hollow. At this Enright, meetin the Red Dog chief half-way, whispers back that later, if Red Dog desires the same, we ll jump in an move old Holt a whole lot to Headboard Hollow. At this lib ral ty the Red Dog chief squeezes En- right s hand a heap fraternal, an chokes with emotion. He sobs out that this is the one thing wanted to reestore them former friendly ree- lations between the camps. "The procession is one of the most exmT- ratin pageants ever seen in the Southwest. At the head is the ploomed hearse, old Holt 312 Faro Nell and Her Friends inside, the Turner person on the box. Next comes the stage coach, Monte drivin , an Nell, Missis Rucker, Tucson Jennie, little Enright Peets, the Turner person s Peggy bride an other ladies inside. The balance of us attends on our ponies, ridin two an two. "As we re waitin for the preacher sharp, who s goin in the stage, to get tucked in among the ladies, a hollow-chested, chalk-cheeked, sardonic-lookin , cynical-seemin bandit, driv in a lean-laigged hoss to one of them spid ry things they calls a quill-wheel, comes pirootin along over to one side of the fooneral cortege at a walk. He s p intin in from over Red Dog way, but I savvys from the wonderin faces of them Red Dog sports that he s as new to them as us. The cynical bandit skirts along our procession ontil he s abreast of the hearse. Then he pulls up, we-all not havin had the word to start as yet. "The Turner person has hooked up old Boomerang to the hearse, so as to confer on this his first fooneral all the style he can. Hav in halted his quill-wheel, the hectic bandit, coughin a little, p ints his whip at Boomerang an says to the Turner person : The Funeral of Old Holt 313 " Is this the skate you re tryin to match ag inst my Toobercloses ? " Grizzly b ars an golden eagles ! exclaims Boggs, who s ridin next to me, if he ain t that lunger from Albuquerque! An Boggs pulls out to the left, an crowds up towards the hearse for a closer look. c As fooneral director, the Turner person replies to the hectic, quill-wheel bandit, whom he fathoms instantly as fooneral director, I must preeserve the decorums. But only you wait, you onblushin outlaw, ontil I ve patted down the sods on old Holt yere, an I ll race you for every splinter you own. " That s all right, retorts the hectic bandit, givin another little cat-cough. Which you needn t get your ondertakin back up none. Meanwhile, I ll nacherally string along with these obs quies, so s to be ready to talk turkey to you when you re through. "Enright gives the signal an , with Boom erang an the hearse at the head, the proces sion lines out at a seedate walk for the grave. "Boot Hill s been located about a mile an a half off, so as to give our foonerals doo ef fect. As we pushes for ard, everything 314 Faro Nell and Her Friends mighty solemn, the hectic bandit, keepin a few feet off to one side, walks his hoss parallel with the hearse. Every now an then his hoss, makin a half bolt as if he s been flicked by the lash, would streak ahead a rod or two like a four-laigged shadow. Then he d pull him down to a walk, an sort o linger along ontil the hearse comes up ag in. He does this a half dozen times; an all in a hectorin sperit that d anger the pulseless soul of a clarn. "One way an another it stirs up the feelin s of old Boomerang, who s beginnin to bite at the bit an throw his laigs some antic an per- miscus. The Turner person himse f acts like a party who s holdin onto his eemotions by the tail, so as to keep em from breakin loose. His face is set, his elbows squar d, an he s set- tin up on his hearse as stiff an straight as a rifle bar l, lookin dead ahead between old Boomerang s two y ears. So it goes on for likely half a mile, the hectic bandit seesawin an pesterin an badgerin old Boomerang, now dartin ahead, now slowin back to let the hearse ketch up. "As I yeretofore explains, the Turner per son ain t arranged mental to entertain more n The Funeral of Old Holt 315 one idee at a time. My own notion is that as the hectic bandit, with Toobercloses, com mences to encroach more an more upon his attention, he loses sight that a-way of old Holt an the fooneral. Whatever the valyoo of this as a theery, thar comes a moment, about a mile from Boot Hill, when, as sudden as the crack of a rifle, away goes Boomerang with the rush of a norther. Toobercloses ain t a sec ond behind. Thar they be, Toobercloses ag inst Boomerang, quill- wheel ag inst hearse, old Holt inside, racin away to beat a royal flush. "As hearse an quill-wheel go t arin down the trail Monte gets the fever, an sets to pourin the buckskin into his three span, an yellin like forty Apaches. The six bosses goes into their collars like lions, an the stage takes to rockin an boundin an bumpin in clost pursoote of the hearse. Nor be we-all on ponies left any behind, you bet. We cuts loose, quirt an spur, an brings up the r ar in a dust-liftin , gallopin half-moon. It s on- doubted the quickest -mo vin fooneral that ever gets pulled off. "Old Holt, an put it lightest, is a one hun dred an eighty pounder, an the hearse itse f 316 Faro Nell and Her Friends is as heavy as a Studebaker wagon. From standp ints of weight pore old Boomerang ain t gettin a squar deal. Which the old hero ain t got no notion of bein beat, though. He s all heart an bottom; an , game? bald hornets is quitters to him! "The load begins to tell at last, though, an inch by inch Toobercloses starts to nose Boom erang out. It s then the flood-gates is lifted. Nell, head out of one of the coach windows, starts screamin to Boomerang; Missis Back er s got her sunbonnet out of another, express- in her opinion of the hectic bandit an Toober closes; Tucson Jennie is shoutin for Dave to come an rescue her; the Turner person s Peggy is shriekin with hysterics ; the preacher sharp who s tryin to get at Monte is talkin scriptoorally but various, while little Enright Peets is contreebutin his small cub-coyote yelps of exultation to the gen ral racket. "Back among us riders the bets is flyin hither an yon as thick as swallow birds at even tide, we offerin hundreds on Boomerang an them Red Dogs backin Toobercloses. It s as the tech of death to the Wolfville heart when we sees Toobercloses slowly surgin to the fore. THAR S A BOMBARDMENT WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A BATTERY OF CATLINGS, THE WHOLE PUNCTCHOOATED BY A WHIRLWIND OF "WHOOPS!" p. 317. The Funeral of Old Holt 317 "Half-way to Boot Hill Boggs spurs up on the nigh flank of Boomerang. " Yere s whar we puts a little verve into this thing! he roars; an pullin his guns he be gins shakin the loads out of em like roman candles. "Wolfville an Red Dog, every gent follows Boggs example. It sounds like a battery of gattlings, the whole punctchooated by a whirl wind of * Whoops! that d have backed a war party of Apaches over a bluff. They almost hears us in Tucson. "Old Boomerang reesponds noble to Boggs s six-shooters. They was the preecise kind of encouragement he s been waitin for, an onder their inspiration he t ars by Toobercloses like a thrown lance. We sweeps on to Boot Hill, makin a deemoniac finish, old Boomerang leadin by the len th of the hearse. "Nobody s hurt, onless you wants to count that hectic bandit from Albuquerque. After he s beat cold, Toobercloses gets tangled up accidental in a mesquite bush, the quill-wheel swaps eends with itse f, an the hectic Albu querque bandit lands head on in a bunch of cactus. He s shore a spectacle ; an Peets says 318 Faro Nell and Her Friends private that for a while thar s hopes he ll die. As for the parson, who s the sorest divine in Arizona, he allows that the only bet he ever knows prov dence to overlook is not breakin the hectic bandit s neck. "Nacherally, the Red Dogs feels some grouchy at the way things has gone, an while they gives up their orig nal thought of lynch- in the hectic bandit, they re plenty indignant at him for turnin old Holt s fooneral into a boss race. It ain t old Holt that s frettin em so much as that they feels like it s a disgrace on their camp. "This yere Red Dog feelin prodooces a on- looked for effect. They goes gloomin an glowerin round, an talkin to themselves to sech a hostile extent it ups an scares the Tur ner person. Plumb timid by nacher, he gets afraid the Red Dogs indignation ll incloode him final, an eend by drawin their horns his way. It s no use tryin to ca m him. Argyoo- ment, reemonstrance, even a promise to pro tect him with our lives, has no effect. The Turner person, in a last stampede of his nerve, is for dustin back to Missouri him an his Peggy bride. He says it s more peaceful, The Funeral of Old Holt 319 more civ lized thar, which shore strikes us as a heap jocose. In the end, however, we has to let him go. "The hearse? "We keeps the hearse, that an Boomerang; Armstrong s uncle buys em. He says he don t aim to be sep rated none from the only hearse within a hundred miles, an him on the verge of the grave. " Which my only reason for livin now, says he, is to lac rate Boggs, an even that as a pastime is beginnin to pall. "What time does Boomerang make? "No one preetends to hold a watch. Thar s one thing, though, which looks like he was shore goin some. Tutt on the way back picks up a dead jack-rabbit, that s been run over by the hearse." XII SPELLING BOOK BEN "Which it s as you states." The old cattle man assumed the easy attitude of one sure of his position. "Reefinement, that a-way, will every now an then hit the center of the table in manner an form most onexpected. Thar s Red Dog. Now whoever do you reckon would look for sech a oncooth outfit to go onbeltin in any reefined racket ? An yet thar s once at least when Red Dog shows it s got its silken side. "An , after all, mebby I m too narrow about Red Dog. Thar s times when I fears that drawn aside by prejewdyce I mis j edges Red Dog utter, an takes for ignorant vulgar ty what comin down to cases is merely noise. It s the whiskey they drinks, most likely. They re addicted to a kind of cat-bird whiskey over thar, which sets em to whistlin an chirp- in an twitterin an teeterin up an down on the conversational bough, to sech a seem- in ly empty-headed extent it s calclated to 320 Spelling Book Ben 321 mislead the ca mest intellects into a belief that the c rrect way to deal with Red Dog is to build one of these yere stone corrals round it, call it a loonatic asylum, an let it go at that. "Wolf viDe s whiskey? "We-all confines ourselves to Valley Tan an 5 Willow Run an Old Jordan, all lickers which has a distinct tendency to make a gent seedate, an render him plumb cer monious. I in no wise exaggerates when I avers that I freequent cuts the trail of parties who, after the tenth or mebby it s the leventh drink across the Red Light bar, waxes that punctil- lious they even addresses a measly Mexican as Sir. " "Recurrin to Red Dog, that silken occasion which I has in mind occurs when, proceedin without invitation an wholly as volunteers, they strings up the book-keep sharp who bumps off Spellin Book Ben. Thar s a brief moment when said action runs a profound risk of bein misconstrooed into becomin the teemin source of complications. You see we ain t lookin for nothin in the way of a play from Red Dog more del cate than the butt of a six-shooter, an it ain t ontil the 322 Faro Nell and Her Friends Red Dog chief himse f onlimbers in *" planations, an all plenty loocid, that we ketches fully on. "Red Dog goes further an insists on payin over what money they wagers, an all as honor able as though that contest which they bets on goes to a show-down. Enright won t have it, though, none whatever ; an what with one side heatedly profferin an the other coldly refoos- in , it looks for a time like thar s goin to be feelin . Friction is averted, however, when Peets who s allers thar with the s lootion to any tangle recommends that Red Dog an Wolf ville chip in half an half conj intly, to buy a tombstone for Spellin Book, with a in scription kyarved tharon, the same to read: TO THE MEMORY OF SPELLING BOOK BEN. PREFERRING DEATH TO THE APPEARANCE OF IGNORANCE, HE DIED A MARTYR TO LEARNING AND BRAVELY DEFENDING A RIGHTFUL ORTHOGRAPHY. THE LANGUAGE MOURNS HIS LOSS. " * Which we simply aims by this yere hang- in , ay& the Red Dog chief in makin them Spelling Book Ben 323 explanations, the same bein addressed to En- right, to save you-all from a disagree ble dooty. " As how? deemands Enright, who s a heap deef ensive by instinct, an never puts down his stack while the kyards is in the hands of the dealer. " As how to wit, returns the Red Dog chief. Troo, this book-keep malefactor ain t by rights no shore-enough Red Dogger, seein he s a im portation of the express company s an at best or worst no more n a sojourner within our gates. But, considerin how he trails in yere this evenin in our company, we feels respon- s ble. Wharfore, allowin that mebby you- all standin towards us visitors, that a-way, in the light of hosts your notion of hospital ty gets its spurs tangled up in your deelib rations so it impedes the march of jestice, we inter venes. Which I shorely trusts that no gent present regyards Red Dog as that ontaught as to go cuttin in on what s cl arly a alien game onasked. Red Dog ain t quite that ex- yooberantly bumptious, not to say croodly gay. It s only to relieve the shoulders of you-all 324 Faro Nell and Her Friends from a burden that we strings said offender up. " Bueno! replies Enright, folio win a dig nified pause, like he s weighin the Red Dog chief s eloocidations. A gent, onless his hand is crowded by some p int of honor, allers takes the word of a fellow gent. In view of which, the execootion you pulls off is yereby accepted as kindly meant, an as sech is kindly took. I m preepared on behalf of Wolfville to re- gyard the same as performed in a sperit of del cate courtesy. Whatever, Doc, do you-all say? " Like yourse f, Sam, says Peets, I grasps an a preeciates the Red Dog attitoode. Also, I holds that the business thus constrooed is calc lated to cement relations between the two camps which, havin their roots in mutyooal esteem, is shore to b ar froote in fraternal af fection. "The Doc then goes on an onbends in flat- terin asshorances that nothin could be finer worded than the Red Dog chief s oration, on- less it s Enright s reply. " As a jedge of diction, he concloods, an Spelling Book Ben 325 a lover of proper speakin , I m onreserved in the view that the statements of both ought to be preeserved as specimens of English ondee- filed. "Thar havin been talk enough, an Enright an Peets contendin that it s Wolfville s treat, both sides goes weavin over to the Red Light an onbends in quite a frolic. "It d shore been better if we had first cut down the corpse, an tharby dodged the wratK of Missis Rucker. It s certainly a oversight. Bar that single incident, thar arises nothin to mar the good feelin which everywhar pree- vails. Forchoonately, that don t occur none ontil noon next day ; an by that time the Red Dog folks has all gone home, leastwise all who can go without f allin out of the saddle. Which if them Red Dogs is present, an able to form opinions, them intemp rate exhibitions of Missis Rucker, an what she says an threat ens ag inst us, speshully Enright, would have mortified us to death. "As showin the vagaries of the female mind, Missis Rucker seelects that lynchin as a topic at chuck time, an she shore does carry on scand lous. We ain t but jest filed into the 326 Faro Nell and Her Friends dinin room, when she t ars loose at Enright like a cyclone in a calico dress. Son, she cer tainly does curry our old Lycurgus frightful! "What does Enright do? "Whatever can he do more n mootely arch his back, same as a mule in a storm of hail, an stand it? "When Missis Rucker has done freed her feelin s, an got them reecrim nations dealt down to the turn, she shakes a finger onder Enright s subdooed nose, an fulm nates a warnin . I tells you once before, Sam Enright, she says, an I tells you now ag in, that you-all drunkards is either goin to cease pesterin me the way you does, or I m bound I ll make some among you plenty hard to locate. Now don t you go tellin me nothin , she shouts, as En- right starts to say somethin ; don t go harrow- in me up with none of your fabrications. It s nothin but your egreegious pompos ty that a-way, an a gen ral deesire to put on dog an lord it over us pore females with meals to cook an water to draw, which sets you-all to hang- in parties to the windmill whar they re plumb in the way. An all after me takin my hands Spelling Book Ben 327 out of the dough, too, the time you Stranglers puts that B ar Creek Stanton over the jump, an goin in person to the stage corral to p int out a beam which is a heap better adapted. ( But, ma am, expostyoolates Enright, you ve done followed off the wrong wagon track entire. It ain t us none; it s them Red Dog savages. So far as Wolfville s con cerned, him bein swung to the windmill, that a-way, is plumb fortooitous. * Jest the same, returns Missis Rucker, who s merciless an refooses to be softened, you better take heed a heap. This once I lets you get away with that Red Dog crawl-out. But if ever I finds another party suspended to the windmill so s I can t get no water, thar s a passel of sots, of whom you, Sam Enright, is the onregen rate chief, who ll shore get their grub fortooitous. "Peets, at this yere crisis, jogs Enright s elbow, by way of signin up to him to draw out; an , except from her domineerin over Rucker more n common for a couple of days, she ceases her demonstrations. "Not but what Missis Rucker has some rights on her side. What with feedin forty 828 Faro Nell and Her Friends of us folks three times a day, she s got a lot on her mind; an to find some sooperfluous sport hangin in her way, when she goes to fill her bucket, necessar ly chafes her. "An yet the Stranglers is up ag inst it, too. Hangin a culprit, dooly convicted, is a public game ; an the windmill s the only piece of pub lic property in sight, besides bein centrally sityooated. Also, thar s nothin in that corral bluff of Missis Rucker s. The beam she al- loodes to ain t big enough, an is likewise too low. "Boggs, who sympathizes with Missis Rucker, once when we has a boss thief we don t need on our hands, su gests we rope him up to the sign over Armstrong s Noo York store. But thar s rival trade interests, an Enright fears it ll be took invidious as a covert scheme for drawin custom to Armstrong s emporium. " Personally, says Enright, I favors Dan s idee. But since Armstrong s a member of the committee, you-all sees yourselves that for us to go execootin culprits on his sign that a-way, the direct effects of which distinguishes him an booms his game, would shore breed jealousies. " How would it do, asks Texas, if we takes Spelling Book Ben 329 them marts seeriatim, an one after another yootilizes all their signs? " With doo deference to Texas/ inter jecks Tutt, this swingin round from sign to sign, with deeds of jestice, is a heap likely to sub tract from the deterrent effects. It s better we stick to the windmill, an takes chances on bed- din them resentments of Missis Rucker s down. " That s all right for you, Dave, retorts Boggs; you re a married man, an eats at home. You wouldn t feel so plumb gala about quietin Missis Rucker if you-all was obleeged diurnal to depend upon that easily exasper ated matron for your frijoles, same as us. Tucson Jennie s the best cook in Cochise County, an , bein her husband that a-way, you ain t in no place to jedge. " Dan s right, Dave, declar s Peets; sur rounded as you be, you can t sense our peril, that is, sense it proper. Admirable as Tucson Jennie is as wife an mother, an I says this on- biased by bein one of two after whom little Enright Peets is named, she s still more ad mirable in her role of cook. For which reason, Dave, you-all, when Missis Rucker threatens 830 Faro Nell and Her Friends us, ain t able, as Dan says, to rightly gauge said menaces/ "Them coolinary compliments to Tucson Jennie placates Tutt. He s half started to bow his neck at Boggs, but they mollifies him. * Mighty likely you re correct, Doc, he re turns, his face d arin ; an I begs Dan s par don for some things I was goin to say. My wife is shore an exempl ry cook, an mebby I ain t no fit jedge. None the less, you-alTll find, as to them hangin s, that this yere goin about from pillar to post with em is doo to rob em of their moral side. " I feels like Dave, observes Enright, corn- in in on the pow-wow. Lynchin s, to have weight an be a credit to us, ought not to be erratic. A lack of reg larity about em would shake our standin as a camp. "Monte starts the business that time when Red Dog astounds us with its del cacy, by comin bulgin in one evenin with word about how the leadin inflooences in Tucson is broke out in a perfect deebauch of spellin schools. " An I m yere to remark, says he, in his Spelling Book Ben 331 conceited, rum-soaked way, that these yere contests contreebootes a mighty meetropol tan atmosphere. " Who orig nates spellin schools, anyway? asks Boggs, whose curiosity is allers at half- cock. Which it s the first time I hears of sech things. " Spellin schools ain t nothin new, Peets replies. They re as common as deelirum tree- mons in the East. Which they certainly be/ corroborates Enright. Back along the Cumberland, as far away as when I m a boy, we has em constant same as chills an fever. We-all young bucks attends em mighty loyal, too, an fights to see who-all goes home with the girls. When it comes to bein pop lar, spellin schools is a even break with gander pullin s. " Thar s a Tucson kyard sharp, continyoos Monte, over to the Oriental s loon, who tells me them spellin schools is likewise all the rage in Prescott an Benson an Silver City. That Lightnin Bug tarrapin from Red Dog is loafin about, too, while the kyard sharp s talkin , his y ears a-wavin like a field of clover. You don t figger thar s a chance that Red Dog 332 Faro Nell and Her Friends gets the notion, Sam, an takes to holdin them tournaments of learnin itse f ? "What Monte says sets us thinkin . As a roole we don t pay much heed to his observa tions, the same bein freequent born of alcohol. But that bluff about Red Dog sort o scares us up a lot. Good can come out of Nazareth, an even Monte might once in a while drive the center as a matter of luck. It wouldn t do us, Doc, says Enright, who s made some oneasy by the thought which it shore wouldn t do us, as an advanced camp, to let Red Dog beat us to them spellin schools. I should confess as much ! admits Peets, mighty emphatic. Speakin from commoonal standp ints, it d mark us as too dead to skin. "The sityooation takes shape in a resolootion to hold a spellin school ourselves, an invite Red Dog to stand in. Sech steps is calc lated, we allows, to head off orig nal action on the Red Dog part. " Let s challenge em to spell ag in us, says Texas. That s shore to stop em from holdin spellin schools of their own, an it ll be as simple as tailin steers to down em. I ll gam- Spelling Book Ben 333 ble what odds you please that, when it comes to edyoocation that a-way, we can make them Red Dogs look like a bunch of Digger In juns. " Don t move your stack to the center on that proposition, Texas, observes Tutt, ontil you thoroughly skins your hand. Edyooca tion ain t wholly dead in Red Dog. Thar s a shorthorn over thar, him who keeps books for the Wells-Fargo folks, who s edyoocated to a razor edge. Him? says Boggs. That murderer ain t no book sharp speshul. Put him ag in the Doc or Col nel Sterett, an he wouldn t last as long as a quart of whiskey at a barn raisin . Which he s a heap sight better fitted to shine in a gun-play than a spellin contest. " But Col nel Sterett ain t here none, Tutt urges, havin gone back to see his folks; an as for the Doc, he ll be needed to put out the words. Some competent gent s got to go back of the box an deal the game, an the Doc s the only stoodent in town who answers that dee- scription. "Armstrong, who s happened along lookin for his little old forty drops, lets on he knows 334 Faro Nell and Her Friends a party down in El Paso who can spell any word that ever lurks between the covers of a dictionary. " That s straight, Armstrong declar s. "This yere El Paso savant can spell anything. [Which I ve seen him spell the hind shoes off a shavetail mule for the drinks. He s the boss speller of the Rio Grande, so much so they calls him "Spellin Book Ben." Let s rope him up, Peets suggests. < Which them Red Dogs never will quit talkin if we-all lets em down us. " Do you-all reckon, asks Enright, appeal- in to Armstrong, you could lure that El Paso expert up yere to partic pate in this battle of the intellects? " It s as easy as playin seven-up, Arm strong replies. Which I ll write him I needs his aid to count up the stock in my store, an you bet he ll come a-runnin . " But s ppose, argues Tutt, these Red Dog crim nals wakes up to it that this yere Spellin Book Ben s a ringer? " In that event, declar s Texas, we retorts l)y beltin em over the heads with our guns. Be they, as guests, to go dictatin terms to us? Spelling Book Ben 335 " Not onless they re tired of life, says Boggs. * While I can t spell none to speak of, seem my Missouri youth is more or less neglected by my folks, showin some Red Dog felon whar he s in wrong is duck soup to me. In a play like that I sees my way triumphant/ " Shore! Texas insists, mighty confident; let Red Dog wag one feeble y ear, an we buf faloes it into instant submission. " They can t make no objections stick, En- right observes, after thinkin things over. This Spellin Book Ben person ll be workin for Armstrong, an that, as the Doc says, makes him a pro tern, citizen of the camp. As sech he s plumb legit mate. Red Dog couldn t lower its horns at him as a hold-out, even if it would. "It s settled, an from then on thar s nothin talked of but spellin schools. We issues our deefiance, Peets b arin the same, an Red Dog promptly calls our bluff. Regyardin them selves as entrenched in that gifted Wells- Fargo book-keep, they re mighty eager for the fray. The baile is set two weeks away, with Peets to hold the spellin book. "After the time is fixed Monte comes squan- 336 Faro Nell and Her Friends derin along an gets Enright to move it one day further on. " Because, Sam, the old sot urges, puffin out his chest like he amounts to somethin , that partic lar evenin you pitches upon I ll be at the other end of the route, an I proposes to get in on this yere contest some myse f . You? says Boggs, who overhears him, an is nacherally astonished an contempchoous at Monte s nerve. Whatever be you-all talk- in about? You can t spell none no more than me. The first word the Doc names ll make you look like a pig at church. " All the same for Monte s been drink- in , an allers gets stubborn in direct pro portion to what licker he tucks onder his belt all the same, Dan, as to this yere spellin , I proposes to ask for kyards. Even if I ain t no Bach lor of Arts, so long as the Doc don t fire nothin at me worse n words of one syl lable, an don t send em along faster than two at a clatter, your Uncle Monte 11 get thar, col lars creakin , chains a-rattlin , with both hoofs. "Red Dog not only accepts our challenge, but gets that brash it offers to bet. Shore, we closes with the prop sition. It ain t no part of "ONLESS OIRLS IS BARRED," DECLARES FARO NELL, FROM HER PERCH ON THE CHAIR "I VE A NOTION TO TAKE A HAND." p. 337. Spelling Book Ben 337 our civic economy to let Red Dog get by with anything. I reckons, up one side an down the other, we puts up the price of eight hundred steers. Texas and Boggs simply goes all spraddled out at it, while Cherokee calls down one eboolient Red Dog specyoolator for three thousand dollars. It s Wolfville ag inst Red Dog, the roole to govern, Miss an out! "The excitement even reaches the gentler sect. Which onless girls is barred/ declar s Nell, speakin from her lookout cha r the sec ond evenin before the spellin school is held, I ve a notion to take a hand. " It wouldn t be a squar deal, Nellie, says Texas. With you in, everybody d miss a-pur- pose. " I don t see why none, says Nell. For two reasons ; first, because you re daz- zlin ly beautiful; an , second, because Chero kee s too good a shot. "Shore, says Boggs, plantin a stack of reds open on the high kyard. Them contes tants d all lay down to you, Nellie. You cer tainly don t reckon Cherokee d set thar, him all framed up with a Colt s .45, an be that on- 338 Faro Nell and Her Friends gallant as to permit some clown to spell you down? "Nell don t insist, an the turn fallin king- jjack, she nacherally moves Boggs s reds to the check-rack. "On the great evenin Red Dog comes surg- in in upon us, snortin an* prancin an pitch- in . Which it certainly is a confident band of prairie dogs. Wolfville s organized and ready, Armstrong s Spellin Book Ben party havin come over from El Paso three days prior. "Seein how mighty se f-possessed them Red jDogs feel, Boggs begins to grow nervous. You don t reckon, Dave, says he, speak- in to Tutt, c that them miscreents has got any thing up their sleeve? any little thing like a ace buried? Which they wouldn t dare. Also, since you brings the matter up, Dan, I now gives notice that for myse f I shall regyard success on their part as absoloote proof of perfidy. That settled, I sacks that hamlet of Red Dog, an plows an sows its deboshed site with salt. " That s the talk! says Boggs. Let em win once, an you an me, Dave, ll caper over in our Spelling Book Ben 339 individyooal capac ty, an lay waste that Red Dog hamlet if it s the last act of our lives. "The spellin school is schedjooled for the r ar wareroom of the Noo York store, whar the Stranglers convenes. All lied Dog is thar, dressed up like a hoss, their Wells-Fargo book- keep in their exultant midst. Enright calls the meetin to order with the butt of his six- shooter; our old warchief allers uses his gun as a gavel that a-way, as lookin more offishul. Also, since the dooty of a presidin officer is to preserve order, it s in line to begin with a show not too ondecorous of force. "Enright states the object of the gathering an Peets, spellin book in hand, swings into the saddle an in a moment is off at a road gait. The words falls thick an sharp, like the crack- in of a rifle. Which they shore does thin out them contestants plenty rapid! Boggs goes down before Theery, spellin it with a extra e. Tutt lasts through three fires, but is sent curlin like a shot jack-rabbit by Epitaph, which he ends with a f . Texas dies on Defi nite, bein misled by what happens to Tutt into introdoocin tharin a sooperfluous ph. I ain t none astonished, Texas says sadly, 340 Faro Nell and Her Friends when Peets informs him that he s in the dis- kyard; since ever my former Laredo wife ac quires that divorce, together with al mony an* the reestoration of her maiden name, the same bein Suggs, I ain t been the onerrin speller I once was. "Cherokee has luck, an lasts for quite a time. It s the leventh word that fetches him. An at that thar s a heap to be said on the side of Cherokee. "The word s Capitol, as Peets lets it fly. " C-a-p-i-t-a-l, spells Cherokee. " Dead bird! Peets says, plenty senten tious. " Whatever kind o capital? " Capitol of a State. " Then I misonderstands you. Which I takes it you re referrin to a bankroll. "The Doc, however, is obdoorate, an Chero kee shoves back. " I think, says Nell, whisperin to Missis Rucker an Tucson Jennie, who, with little En- right Peets, is off to one side I think the Doc s a mighty sight too contracted in his scope. "Monte falls by the wayside on Scenery, Spelling Book Ben 341 an is that preepost rous he starts to give Peets an argyooment. Monte spells it Seenry. " Whar do you-all get your licence, Doc, he demands, when Peets tells him how it s spelled, to jam in that misfit "c"? Me havin drove stage for twenty years, I ve seen as much scenery as any gent present, an should shore know how it s spelled. Scenery is what you sees. "S-e-e" spells see; an tharfore I contends that "S-e-e-n-r-y" spells scenery. That "c" you springs on us, Doc, is a solecism, an as much out of place as a cow on a front porch. "Enright raps Monte down. "Scenery" is spelled any way which the Doc says, declar s Enright, his eye some severe, an I trusts no gent ll compel the cha r to take measures. Say no more, responds Monte, plenty humble and prompt. What I urges is only to licit information. I still thinks, however, that onder the gen ral wellfare clause of the constitootion, an with an orifenced alphabet to pick an choose from, a sport ought to have the inalienable right to spell things the way he likes. Otherwise, whatever is the use of callin this a free country? If a gent s to be com- 342 Faro Nell and Her Friends pelled to spell scenery with a fool "c," I asks you why was Yorktown an wharfore Bunker Hill? "Monte, havin thus onloaded, reetires to the r ar, coverin his chagrin by hummin a stanzy or two from the well-known ditty, Bill, of Smoky Hill. Bill driv three spans of bosses, An* when Injuns hove in sight, He d holler "Fellers, give em hell! I ain t got time to fight." But he chanced one time to run ag in A bullet made of lead, An when they brung Bill into town, A bar l of tears was shed. "While Texas an Boggs an Tutt an Cher okee an Monte an the rest of the Wolf- ville outfit is fallin like November s leaves, them Red Dog bandits is fadin jest as fast. If anything, they re fadin faster. They re too p lite or too proodent to cavil at the pres ence of Spellin Book Ben, an by third drink time after we starts thar s no gents left stand- in except that Wells-Fargo book-keep sharp for Red Dog, an Spellin Book for us. It s Spelling Book Ben 343 give an take between em for mebby one hun dred words, an neither so much as stubs his orthographic toe. "The evenin w ars into what them poets calls the small hours. Missis Rucker is wear ily battin her eyes, while little Enright Peets is snorin guinea-pig snores in Tucson Jennie s lap. "Thar comes a pause for Black Jack to pass the refreshments, an Nell takes advantage of the lull. Hopin no one, says Nell, will think us onp lite, we ladies will retire. Jedgin from the way little Enright Peets sounds, not to mention how I feels or Missis Rucker looks, it s time we weaker vessels hits the blankets. Yes, indeed, adds Missis Rucker, smoth ering a yawn with her hand; I d certainly ad mire to stay a whole lot, but rememberin the hour I thinks, like Nellie, that we-all ladies better pull our freight. "Enright settin the example, we gents stands up while the ladies withdraws, little En- right Peets bein drug along between Nell an Tucson Jennie plumb inert. 344 Faro Nell and Her Friends "Peets resoomes his word-callin , an them two heroes spells on for a hour longer. "At last, however, the Wells-Fargo book- keep sharp commences to turn shaky ; the pres sure s beginnin to tell. As for Spellin Book Ben, he s as steady as a church. " By the grave of Moses, Dan, Tutt whis pers to Boggs, that Red Dog imposter s on the brink of a stampede. "Peets gives out colander ; it s Spellin Book Ben s turn. As he starts to whirl his ver bal loop the Red Dog adept whips out his gun, an jams it ag inst Spellin Book s ribs. " Spell it with a "u," says the Red Dog sharp, or I ll shore send you shoutin home to heaven! Which I ve stood all of your dad- binged eryoodition my nerves is calk lated to endoore. "Spellin Book Ben s game, game as yaller wasps. With the cold muzzle of that book- keep murderer s hint to the onconverted push- in into his side, he never flickers. " C-o, he begins. "But that s as far as he ever gets. Thar s a dull roar, an pore Spellin Book comes slid- in from his learned perch. It s done so quick Spelling Book Ben 345 that not even Jack Moore has time to hedge a stack down the other way. " It s too late, Doc/ says pore Spellin Book, as Peets stoops over him; he gets me all right. Then he rolls a gen ral eye on all. Gents, he says, don t send my remainder back to El Paso. Boot Hill does me. "Them s Spellin Book s last words, an they does him proud. "It s the Lightnin Bug who grabs the mur- derin book-keep sharp, an takes his gun away. Then he swings him before Enright. He s your pris ner, says the Red Dog chief, actin for his outfit, an Enright bows his acknowledgments. "Son, it s a lesson to see them two leaders of men. Enright never shows up nobler, an you can wager your bottom peso that the Red Dog chief is a long shot from bein a slouch. "Jack Moore takes the Wells-Fargo book- keep homicide in charge, while Enright, who declar s that jestice to be effectyooal must be swift, says that onless shown reason he ll con vene the committee at once. He adds, like wise, that it ll be kindly took if the Red Dog 346 Faro Nell and Her Friends chief, an what members of his triboonal is present, will b ar their part. "In all p liteness, the Red Dog chief dee- clines. This is your joorisdiction, he says, an we Red Dogs can only return the compliment which your su gestion implies by asshorin you- all of our advance confidence in the rectitoode of what jedgments you inflicts. 1 Speak your piece, says Enright to the Wells-Fargo book-keep culprit, when stood up before him by Moore. Whatever prompts you to blow out this Spellin Book Ben s can dle that a-way? " Let me say, exclaims the Wells-Fargo book-keep murderer, an his manner is some torrid, that I has five hundred dollars bet on this yere contest " That is a question, interrupts Enright, suave but plenty firm, which will doubtless prove interestin to your execooter. This, however, is not the time nor place. I asks ag in, whatever is your reason for shovin this yere expert in orthography from shore? "Do you-all think, returns the Wells- Fargo murderer, that I ll abide to see a ob- Spelling Book Ben 347 seoority like him outspell me? me, who s the leadin speller of eight States and two terri tories, an never scores less than sixty-five out of a poss ble fifty? Which I d sooner die/ " So you d sooner die? repeats Enright, as cold an dark an short as a November day. Well, most folks don t get their sooners in this world, but it looks a heap like you will! Turnin to Moore, he goes on: Our friends from Red Dog ll hold your captive, Jack, while you-all goes rummagin over to the cor ral an gets a rope, the committee havin come onprovided. "Moore gives the Wells-Fargo homicide to the Red Dog chief, an tharupon, we Stranglers bein ready to go into execyootive session, all hands except Enright an the committee steps outside. We re in confab mebby it s ten min utes, an Enright has jest approved a yoonani- mous vote in favor of hangin , when thar s a modest tap at the door. "It s the Lightnin Bug. It ain t, he says, when we asks his mis sion, that we-all aims to disturb your deelib - rations none, gents, but the chief d like to 348 Faro Nell and Her Friends borry Doc Peets for five minutes to say a few words over the corpse. "Upon this yere hint we-all gambols forth, an finds what s left of the Wells-Fargo book- keep murderer adornin the windmill. Thar s whar their del cacy comes in; that s how them Red Dogs saves us from a disagree ble dooty. "We plants Spellin Book Ben on Boot Hill as per that sufferer s last request, an Red Dog graces the obsequies to a man. Thar Spellin Book lies to-day ; an the story of his ontoward takin off, as told on that tombstone conj intly erected as aforesaid by Wolfville an Red Dog, is anyooally read by scores of devotees of learnin who, bar -headed an mournful, comes as pilgrims to his grave." THE END. THREE SPLENDID BOOKS BY ALFRED HENRY LEWIS FARO NELL AND HER FRIENDS A new story of " Wolfville" days the best of all. It pictures the fine comradeship, broad understanding and simple loyalty of Faro Nell to her friends. Here we meet again Old Monte, Dave Tutt, Cynthiana, Pet-Named Original Sin, Dead Shot Baker, Doc Peets, Old Man En- right, Dan Boggs, Texas and Black Jack, the rough-ac- tioned, good-hearted men and women who helped to make this author famous as a teller of tales of Western frontier life. 12 mo. Cloth. Illustrated. Net $1.25 THE APACHES OF NEW YORK A truthful account of actual happenings in the under world of vice and crime in the metropolis, that gives an appalling insight into the life of the New York criminal. It contains intimate, inside information concerning the gang fights and the gang tyranny that has since startled the entire world. The book embraces twelve stories of grim, dark facts secured directly from the lips of the police and the gangsters themselves. 12tno. Cloth. Illustrated. Popular Edition. 50 Cents THE STORY OF PAUL JONES A wonderful historical romance. 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