The Artifice; a Comic Opera in Two Acta By William Augustus Miles h£TC UNIVERSITY OFCALIFORNL THE ARTIFICE: COMIC OPERA. I N TWO ACTS, AS IT IS PERFORMED Al* THE THEATRE ROYAL DRURY LANEi WRITTEN BY WILLIAM AUGUSTUS MILES, LONDON: r-.'.ntcd for T. CAD.ELL in the Strand, M.DCC.LXXX. R o n* shilx in'g')> * *' : : •"" s : : :/: v. ; . - • ADVERT ISEMENT* h TT has long been remarked, that our Theatres X are not m pofleffion of one natural marine cha- racter, and that while our dramatic writers have been univerfally reproached with having exhibi- ted fea officers on the Stage in caricature, no M efforts have been made to refcue a very valuable uj and refpectable clafs of men from public ridicule. ^ Among the many offenlive liberties which have % been taken with the Navy, there are none which S excite our indignation more than the whole group " J of characters in The Fair Quaker of Deal. Our Navy, in its rudeft (late of barbartfrn, never pofTciTed an officer fo loft to himfelf and his ftation, as Commodore Flip j neither have the refinements of modern times produced a charac- ter in the other extreme, anfwerable to that of Beau Mizen. This Comedy, it is faid, has been g altered by a captain in the navy, who is the lefs pardonable for fuffering fo grofs an error, as cm well as fo direct an infult to continue, when he or had an opportunity to do juflice to his brother 5c officers, and to the fervice in which' he holds fo confiderable a rank. The other gentleman, who has favoured us with a marine character *, has, indeed, fome excufe, fince he is not only apt to miftake the characters of individuals, but of nations. After having faid thus much of others, it will, perhaps, be expected that I mould fay fomething of myfelf ; or, at leaft, that I have corrected the 2= errors of my predecefibrs, and done juftice to the § corps of officers whofe intereit 1 have fo warmly Capt. Ironfides, in the Brothers. .'508775 efpoufed. "PR f PREFACE, cfpoufed. But in a Piece of Two Acts," and efpe- cially where the Mufician has alrnoft as much to fay as the Poet, it is impofiible either to ftnifh characters, or to draw them at full length ■ Sketches and portraits only can be attempted ; and thefe I have endeavoured to draw as like the originals as poffible. . I truft that the fea characters, in the following little Opera, will be found fimilar to thofe that are met with in real life •, and that no lieutenant will hefitate,or blufh to acknowledge Charles as a brother officer. — It does not follow that a know- ledge of marine affairs and good breeding are incompatible. A vulgarity of manners will al- ways prevail in the lower clafs of feamen*, yet not more fo among them, than among the other inferior orders of men -, but even if it did, this truth is certain, that their bravery, their honefty, and their contempt of dan- ger upon all occafions where the honor of the Britilh flag is concerned, amply compenfates for all their faults, and renders them the pride, a* well as the guardians of their country. t o m , u m,i .m i > ■ ■* *• ■ ■■ ■ . ■ ■ » i >• ■' ". '■■ »■■■ *M tf to .... * RICHARD B. SHERIDAN, ESQ^ Dear Sip, 'HP HE dedications of our mod celebrated "** writers have always appeared to me as fo many indirect claims on the bounty of thofe to whom they have been ad^ drefled; 'and this remark arifes from the profufion of virtues and good qualities with which they have been complimented $ as if abilities and integrity were conferred like letters patent, by royal authority, and pafTed, in hereditary fucceffion, from father to fon. If it mould, therefore, be inquired why I have not imitated former bards, and offered this Opera at the fhrine of power or of riches ? I anfwer, it is becaufe I refpect Genius before rank or affluence, and hold no patronage equal io your friendfhip. Accept then, my Dear Sir, of the following trifle, not only as a fincere teftimony of the high eftima- DEDICATION. vl eftimation in which I have ever held your literary talents ; but as a proof of the real regard with which I remain Your moft faithful, and moft obliged humble fervantj William Augustus Miles. London, April 14, 1780. DRA- DRAMATIS PERSONS MEN. Sir Benj. Brief, Bevil, Charles, Vellum, Bowling, Ralph, Crosjack, Mr. Parfons. Mr. Vernon. Mr. Lamafh. Mr. Burton. Mr. Bannifter. Mr. Davis. Mr. Wnghten. Sailors, Servants and Attendants. SCENE London. WOMEN. Mrs. Bobbin, Eliza, Margaritta : H Mrs. Hopkins. 1 Mifs Wright. Mrs. Wrigliten. THE ARTIFICE. ACT I. Scene an Apartment in Sir Benj. Briefs Houfe. Enter SirB. Brief, calling Vellum. VELLUM, why Vellum I fay ! where the devil is this fellow got to ? Enter Vellum. Vellum. Sir ? Sir Benj. Sir ! Zounds I'm hoarfe with calling you. — You mould always plead to a declaration, or judgment will go againft you by default. Vellum. Yes, Sir. B Sir 2 THE ARTIFICE. Sir B en j. Have you filed an information in the kitchen for dinner ? Vellum. Yes, Sir. Sir B e n j. And the cook will make the rule abfolute ? Vellum. Nifi we (hew caufe to the contrary. Sir Be n j. Have you been at the (tables ? Vellum. No, Sir. Sir Ben). Zounds, you fhould have gone ex officio. — Run this inftant, and order Capias to take Replevin into Nifi Prius Field -, let Fugitive remain in Ban- . co Regis, and as to Juftice and Equity, why turn 'rvVyn- out on tne common. Vellum. Yes, Sir. Sir B e n j. And do you hear, Vellum. Vellum. 1 THEARTIFICE. 3^ Vellum, (returning) Sir: S J R B E N J. Serve the gardener with notice to put on his beft Hvery, and wait at table. Vellum. Yes, Sir. [Exit Vellum, Enter Ralph. Ah, honefl Ralph — I'm glad to fee you. "Where's your miftrefs and the young captain ? Ralph. They'll be here anon, Sir Benjamin. Sir Be n j. What I fuppofe they have fent you on before to put in an appearance. Ralph. They'll foon appear, Sir Benjamin ; but the young captain has fo laden the baugh horfes with hares, partridges, and pheafants, with Dutch tur- bot, and outlandifh hams. Sir Be n j. "Why what the deuce does the young dog think that I have no larder of my own •, that my manors in 4 THE ARTIFICE. in the country afford no game, and that we can get nothing to eat in London ? Ralph. Cant't fay as to that, Sir Benjamin, but I told him you kept a good table. S i r Be n j. As any in the neighbourhood, though not to fumptuous ? Ralph. And better, Sir Benjamin. Sir B e n j. No — not better, honed Ralph. Ralph. Yes, better, Sir Benjamin. Sir B e n j. No, no Ralph, it's a great deal to equal our neighbours now-a-days : Befides, you forget that I have a rich contractor on one fide, and Sir Rapin Roupee, a Nabob, on the other, who confume as much beef in one day, as would make foup for the whole French nation a twelvemonth. — How- ever, if all thefe good things are coming, the cook mud be (erved with a Noli Profequi to flay pro- ceedings. Vellum ! (rings) Vellum ! Enter Vellum. Is the cook gone to market ? No, THE ARTIFICE. 5 Vellum. No, Sir. Sir B e n jj Then lodge a detainer againft her directly, and lee the fat turkey from Norfolk be refpited till farther notice. Vellum. Yes, Sir. Sir Bent. And take honeft Ralph with you, and let him eat and drink of the beft, though I am very an- gry with him for letting his matter load the baugh horfes, as he calls them. Ralph. A I R. Lord, Sir, how you talk, Should I dare but to baulk, His intention or whimfical pleafure, He'd cudgel my back, Till he made my bones crack, "Without either mercy or meafure. To make him my foe, And receive but one blow, Would finifti at once my career, I dread his huge hand, Obey each command, And worfhip the devil through fear. [Exeunt Ralph and Vellum: Sir 6 THE ARTIFICE. Sir B e n j. (folus.) So, now my nephew will foon be here, and as I have difmifled his rival, there can be no objec- tions why judgment mould not be pafTed. But who comes here ? (looking) Egad it's Eliza, and pleading to herfelf as I live. — Well, well, I will fay that for her : fhe is one of the belt tempered creatures in the world, never appeals from my jurifdiction , — no : but always fubmits. — O how thoie fathers who have got obftinate daughters would envy my happinefs. — (looking) What the deuce can (he be faying to herfelf — Egad I'll liften, (retires) Enter Eliza. A I R. Love ! O hear my ardent pray'r, Let a virgin claim your care : Long dilown'd, but now confefs'd, Pleating pow'r by all addrefs'd ! Pious airs fhall grace thy name, Holy as a hermit's flame. To thy votary then incline : See ! I own thee all divine. Sir B e n j. (afide.) This is fome of the nonfenfe with which the g'nls of this age cram their heads from novels and romances. Eliza. O Bevil, Bcvil, how unkind after fo long an ablVnce! Sir THE ARTIFICE. 7 Sir B e n j. {afidt) What ! my nephew's rival ? Eliza. Not to apprize me of your arrival. Sir B e n j. I'm thunderftruck ! — I can't believe my ears ! It can't be — {afide) Eliza. Not to contrive one meffage to me, though my father has retracted his promife. — Enter Margaritta. Well, Margaritta : what news ? tell me, have you found him ? Margaritta. No tidings of him no where, Ma'am, he's not at his uncle's. A I R. I've enquir'd, dear Madam, to find out your fpark, But return'd, as you fee, full as much in the dark, I've fearch'd the town over, But cannot difcover, He's gone, We're undone, And you've loft a lover : My heart I am fure, now goes pity pat, Poor Man ! What plan Shall we take to get at him, Suppofe we purfue him, And fo play old Square Toes a trick tit for tat. Sir * THE ARTIFICE, Sir B e n j. {afide) There's a jezebel ! Margaritta. The moment he received Sir Benjamin's note, he left his lodgings, and they don't know where he is gone to. For my part, I've a vaft notion that he's gone home to Marlow, and if I might advife. Eliza. "What would you do ? Ma rgaritta. "Why I'd follow him, Ma'am, I'm fure he would not take it amifs. Sir B e n j. {afide) There's a jade ! I believe in my confeience, that Eve gave Satan a retaining fee to be council to her female pofterity for ever. Eliza. To follow him at an uncertainty would be the height of imprudence. Margaritta; Not if you love him, Ma'am. Sir B e n j. (dif covering himfelf) I can hold no longer. — You lie you, huffey. — It would be imprudent. It would be worfe: it would be infamous in her, feduction in him, and hard THE ARTIFICE, 9 hard labour in .Bridewell for you. — As to you, Madam, {to Eliza) I'll confine you to your cham- ber without bail or mainprize -, and as to you I'll banifh you immediately {to Margaritta). Eliza. I befeech youj Sir, to tell me. Sir B e n j. File your bill, and then I'll anfwer you. So away, away, both of you — away in I fay. Margaritta. Away, away, both of us !— Lord, Sir* we are not in a hurry if you ire. Sir Be n j. No rejoindres I fay, but away in. {puflies them off) [Exeunt. S C E N E, a Rendezvous, Colours flying, Brums and Fifes , and Sailors Jlanding at the Door. Bowling. Welcome, welcome, brother failors. Spite of all frelh water railers, We who brave the ftormy main, Lead lives of pteafure free from pain ; Let the welcome then go round, May our Ship ne'er run on ground, May our grog pot ne'er ebb dry, Nor Britiih tars from Frenchmen fly, Full Chorus. Let the welcome, &c. C Volunteer io THE ARTIFICE. Volunteer. How merrily a failor's life paffes ? Bowling. Right, mefs-mate! when he's on more with plenty of money in both pockets. — Some more grog, hoa, from within. {Enter a Sailor from the houfe with a bucket full of grog and a tin-pot.) Bowling. But who comes here ? Clear the gangway : another volunteer mayhap. Enter Bevil. B e V i l. Mercy on me, what a diftance have I come, and to no purpofe. — Faugh ! What a contaminated atmofphere ! Bowling. Fear ! What is that he fays about fear ? Bevil. I've not feen a civiliz'd creature thefe two hours •, and what with the (tench of pitch, tar, train-oil, falt-fifh, and tobacco, I am almoft fuf- focated. But what have we here ? — Another rendezvous ! Then there are hopes yet. Hearkee, friend — Is this a rendezvous ? Bowling. A rendezvous ! Aye, and fuch an one as you won't meet again in a hurry, let me tell you. So if T H E A R T I F I C E. n if you'll enter, I'll infure you a good berth in a well man n'd fhip, civil treatment from Mother Doublefcore, and plenty of grog all weathers— So what fay you ? — (Gives him a flap on his Jhoul- der) Take my advice, and enter. Sailor. Aye, take his advice, and enter, fhip-mate. You may go farther, and fare worfe. {Seamen get about him, and are clamorous for him to enter.) B e v I L. Egad, I mud humor thefe fellows! — Why, gentlemen, I have no great objections to enter, provided — Bowling. * Provided ! O, never fear that. I'll take care you fhall be provided with every thing. B e v I L. I fay, gentlemen, that I'll enter, provided I like your (hip. Bowling. Like our fhip ! — Lord love you, who can diflike a copper-bottom frigate the firft of a Spanifh war? Dollars and doobloons at the maft, my boys — B e v i l. You feem to be a fet of jolly, honeft-hearted fel- lows, and if you'll conduct me to your officer I'll tell him more of my mind. C 2 Bowling. 12 THE A R T I F I C E. Bowling. Say you fo — Then give us your hand. Huzza, for the honor of Captain Luttrel, and another flap at Omoa. — Yoa, hoa, within there ! Hand out fome more grog for the volunteer. Come, here's the young Prince and the Britifh fleet — (Dzinks, and gives the pot to Bevil, who taftes, and /pits the grog out.) \^ 7 hy, you make as many faces at it, as if it was a dole from the doctor in the cockpit. Hand it here, if you don't like it. There's nothing better in this world, whatever there may be in the next. It comforts us. when nobody eife will — Sailor. Aye, and in old age, when we're laid up as un- ferviceable at Greenwich, and oblig'd to drink four fmall-beer, and eat bull- beef inftead of good pork and fait junk. Bowling. Well faid, old F roily-face. B E V I L. Well, now, my honeft fellow. Bowling. Ay aft heaving, fhip-mate — None of your fel- low, bad as the times are. B E V I L. 'Zounds, he's choleric — Sailor. THE ARTIFICE. n ■ Sailor, {looking.) But yonder comes our Lieutenant. B e v i l. (looking.) What do I fee ! It is him — It is Charles himfelf. Enter Charles. My dear Charles, I'm overjoy'd to fee you. Charles. Bevil ! Is it poflible ! What in the name of won der brought you back fo foon ? Bowling, (ajide.) My dear Charles, and my dear Bevil ! — Why how's this ! They're as great as two inkle- weavers. Sailor, (ajide to Bowling.) Why, don't you fee as how he's the officer's friend. — I wifh your tongue was coii'd away in your mouth for a full due. Bevil. My return to England was rather unexpected—* Charles. Unexpected indeed ! I mould as foon have thought of meeting his Holinefs the Pope. Bevil. It is, however, lucky that you came as you did, pr I believe in my confcience thefe honeft fellows (pointing 14 THE ARTIFICE. (pointing to the gang) would have difpos'd of rr.e in one of his Majeity's (hips. Sailor, (ajide to Bowling.) I wtm you was ftow'd away in the ground tier, or moor'd head and (tern like the Nore lights — Charles. What, Bowling, I fuppofe, has been holding forth as ufual — That fellow's a perpetual plague to roe Bowling. That's what the French Governor at Martinico faid of my old mefs-mate Sam. Spunyarn laft war, when he commanded a petit-augre privateer out of St. Kit's. — Rut, poor fellow, he'll never plague the foup-. meagre rafcals any more — B E V I L. What's he dead ? Bowling. As a herring, your honour — He mifs'd ftays off Port Royal in Jamaica, and I put him to bed with the pick-axe and fpade, in Spring Path, my ownfelf « He was a feaman ! {Wipes his eyes.) Sailor. Well, well ! " Wipe away the [pray from your bowfprit, and keep fajl the topping lifts of your heart." — He's gone, and we mud follow — B E V I L. THE ARTIFICE. 15 B E V I L. Nay, nay, never mind him — Take this, and drink, to his memory. (Gives money.) [Exeunt Charles and Bevil, Bowling. That I will, and fuccefs to your honor into the bargain. — I have met with a great deal of rough weather, hard knocks, and ili-luck myfelf, but a quid of tobacco, a kind wench, and a can of grog make all fmooth again. A I R. Whene'er it blows a gale of wind, We feamen feud, or elfe lay too ; But when a calm fucceeds again, We fear no danger, feel no pain, Free from all forrow, free from care, Prepar'd for tempeft or for war. [Exit Bowling, follow'd by the Sailors. Scene the Injide of the Rendezvous. Charles and Bevil (talking.) B E V I L. Even fo — and without your affiftance, your filler, who is dearer to me than life, will be fn a tch'd from me for ever. Charles. I admire the conftancy of your affections of all things. Bevil. 16 THE ARTIFICE. B E V I L. Nay, now be feriouS; A I R. Forbear to laugh at plighted faith^ At faith fincere like mine ; I dare to boaft untainted love, And own my flame divine. Let libertines pretend to rail At conftancy in love, Let them their every art eflay, I'll ne'er inconftant prove. Eliza's charms have fixt my foul^ To her my vows were giv'n, And perjur'd lovers well deferve The utmoft wrath of heav'm Charles, Bravo ! And in any other company you'd be encor'd. — But to be as ferious as you wifh — How do you know that Sir Benjamin has refolv'd to marry my filter to his nephew ? Have you feen him ? B e v I L. That honor was denied me ; but here's proof pofitive — Read this, and be convinc'd. Charles (reads) " Sir Benjamin Brief prefents his compliments to Mr. Bevil, is happy to hear of his re- turn THE ARTIFICE. 17 turn to England ; but as an event has lately taken place, which renders the vifits of Mr. Bevil unneceflfary, Sir Benjamin begs leave to decline bringing the matter to an ifiue" This is one of his genuine notes indeed Law-phrafes ill applied and wantonly introduced diftinguifh his correfpondence and converfation at all times. ~ What's to be done ? Bevil. That's the queftion. — I am fatisfied that Eliza will not give her heart to my rival, though Sir Benjamin may force her to give him her hand. Charles. And you are ferioufly refolv'd upon marriage ? Bevil. What a queftion ? — Charles. I .think we can be a match for the old gen- tleman.— Bevil. As how ? — Charles. By going directly to the houfe. Bevil. Ruin to my hopes paft redemption. D Charles; 13 THE ARTIFICE. Charles. Don't you know that in love, as in war, we ihould fometimes venture neck or nothing. — Venus, has her forlorn hopes, her enfam perdus, as well as Mars. — Confide in me, and I'll enfure you fuccefs. — Is the Dowager to accompany her fon? B E V I L. So it is faid* Charles. So much the better : for though fhe is a cha- racter, yet fhe has many good qualities, and may poffibly be our friend. B e v I L. Her fon, it feems, is in the militia, in confe- quence of which fhe fports a regimental riding- habit, and 1 am told, is camp mad — Charles. They call her Brigadier Bet at Coxheath : and from being as induitrious a weaver of lace as any in the county of Bucks, fhe has become qualified for the office of adjutant-general ; fhe reads no books but Casiar's Commentaries and Vauban's Fortification -, fhe idolizes the Macedonian chief; fleeps every night with the rile of Gazettes under her pillow, and declares the defence of Prevoft at Savannah was equal to that 01 Charles the 12th at Bender. B e v 1 l, She mufl be mad. Charles. THE ARTIFICE. i 9 Charles. No doubt of it — Her fon, however, having lefs of the foldier in him, prefers the Cutler's tent to the parade, you mall perfonate him, I'll give you a letter as from his mother, full of military terms, and follow to keep you in countenance. B E V I L. To put me out of countenance you mean ; but fuppofe the old gentleman mould file a bill againft us. Charles. Pfhaw, there's not the leaft danger. Enter Crosjack. Well, Crosjack, what luck laft night — a frigate's complement, 1 hope. — Crosjack. Not quite fo many, Sir : we cruized in the wrong latitude — We fteered to the weftward, and in luffing round the Piazzas in Covent- Garden, we fell' in with fome of the play adtors : One of them was in a monftrous pafiion at being taken, and faid he was Hamlet the Dane, but as my or- ders were to take all nations I did not much care for Dane or Swede : Another was a woman drefs'd in man's cloaths. B e v 1 L. A female Sir Harry Wildair, ready drefs'd for the character. Crosjack. 20 THE ARTIFICE. Crosjack. They call'd her captain. Charles. Captain Mackheath beyond a doubt. Be v i l. Captain Mackheath, by a woman, Charles ? Charles. Aye, Bevil ! moft of our theatrical dames from the Queen of Denmark down to Mifs in her Teens, have been feized with a furor for breeches. It was but the laft week that the love-fick Juliet infilled on playing Richard the third : Portia has requeued to do CEdipus, and Lady Macbeth now lays at the point of death at having been refufed the part of Hamlet. Bevil. Ha! ha! ha! Charles. And as to the Beggar's Opera, at one of the theatres, we hav'nt had a male Macheath thefe three years. — *- Did you get any men from the public office in Bow-Street ? {to Crosjack.) Crosjack. No, Sir. They demanded a crown a head, and on being refufed, they faid, they would let them run tiil next feftions, when they were fure of capitally convicting them, and then they mould get the reward. Charles. THE ARTIFICE. 21 Charles. Mercenary, inhuman rafcals ! Crosjack. I believe, Sir, that lome Volunteers might be picked up at Stepney bowling-green. Charles. Say you fo : Then take out the gang and beat up. Tell them that a fhip failed from Lima laft week laden with gold and filver for Old Spain, and that if they'll bear a hand, and fit out the Charon, we mail catch her off the weftern Illands. "Where's Bowling ? j [Exeunt, Scene changes to 'tower -Hill. Enter Bowling from the houfe half tipfy. BOW LING. Here's Bowling : who calls him ? — Ah, your honour {to Bevil). I have changed one of your guineas. It has ran end for end, and damn the itiver that's left. Charles. Well, before you get all your grog on board, call the gang out, and go with Crofsjack a cruize for volunteers. Bowling. Hoa, within there, fhipmates ! tumble out, tumble out, every man and mother's Ton of you. Tumble out, I fay. 2* T H E A R T I F I C E. Enter Sailors from the boufe, with colours flyings drums beatings and fifes playing. Bo W L I N G. Let the French, if they pleaie, ftill continue to boaft An intention to vifit and pillage our coaft ; We're a match for Monfieurs with our troops and our fleet, They beat us alone in fineffe and deceit. Let murm'ring flaves at fate repine, We freedom claim by right divine. Thus conquer'd and humbled, no longer mall Spain The empire with Britons difpute o'er the main ; Whilft taught by that conduct which Rodney dif- play'd, Frince William fhall guard both our freedom and trade. Let murm'ring flaves, &c. Huzza for Old England, let's cheerful advance, To punifh the falihood and bafenefs^f France, Sound the fife, beat the drum, let the fignal be giv'n. Since juftice and freedom are aided by Heav'n. Let murm'ring, &c. [Exeunt omnes. End of the Firft A3. A C T II. SCENE L Enter Sjr Benjamin Brief and Vellum. w Sir Benjamin. TELL, have you difcharg'd that devil's prime minifter, Margaret? Vellum. No, Sir. Sir Benj, No, Sir ! — And why not, Sir! Vellum. She moves an arreft of judgment. Sir Benj. It fhan't be granted. Vellum. Not if fhe files an affidavit that the plea differs from the deed ? Sir Benj. No. Vellum. Nor in cafe of a mifnomer ? Si r 24 THE ARTIFICE. Sir B e n j. 'Zounds no, I tell you. Vellum. You have call'd her Peggy, and her name is Margaritta. Sir B e n j. Suppofe I had call'd her Sancho Pancho, what's that to you, Sirrah ? — I fay, Margaritta indeed !— 'Zounds, we (han't have a plain Molly, Peggy, or Betty, left in the kingdom. They are all chang'd into Maria's, Margaritta's, and Eliza's. I fay, difcharge her this inftant Vellum, Befides, her's is a covenant de faSto with Mifs Eliza. Sir B e n j. "Why, hearkee me, Sirrah. Vellum. And you cannot de jure of your own right dif- charge her. Sir B e n j. Get out of my fight. Vellum; For her agreement bcingfpecial, and not general — Si r THE ARTIFICE. 25 Sir B e n j. Get out of my houfe {drives bim out) an impu- dent rafcal ! I'll fpecial and general him too • Who's here? Another council for the defendant ? 1 Enter Servant. Captain Bobbin, Sir ! [Exit Servant, Enter B e v i l. Sir B e n j. Captain, you are welcome. Your arrival has happen'd very opportunely >■ but where's my fitter ? B E V I L. On the road, uncle : but an unlucky accident, which thofe difpa!cb.es will t-xplain, (prefents a let- ter) having dctain'd her, I came on before by fore'd marches. Sir B e n j. Forc'd marches ! Lord ! Lord ! (looking at bim, But what fays the letter ? (reads) " Dear brother, " Having made an admirable difpofition for •' marching" — For marching! what the deuce, did you walk here? B E V ] L. O la ! no : we mounted our cavalry when the Reveilly beat. E Sir / , 26 THE ARTIFICE. Sir B e n j. When what beat ? B e v I L. The Reveilly, Sir. Sir Ben j. The Reveilly !— He's crack'd, I find, (afide) Reads. " — for marching to Eflbign-Houfe ; and having " occafion to pais a river, we halted." — Halted ! O that's to demur, I fuppofe — '* But my Ion neg- ** lecting to fuperintend the embarkation" — To fu- perintend the embarkation! She's certainly mad — " one of the chargers plung'd into the river, and " was drowned." — Charger ! Why, what the deuce can (he mean by a charger ? B E V I L. A charger is a horfe, uncle. Sir B e n j. A charger a horfe ! I fhould as foon have fuf- pected it was the Lord Chancellor — A charger a horfe ! That's too much, ha ! ha ! B e v n„ {afide.) What can detain Charles all this time, that he does not come to my relief. S I R THE ARTIFICE. 27 Sir B e n j. (reads.) '* I have therefore difpatch'd my aid-de-camp, " your nephew, to defire you would ratify " the articles of the convention between " the contracting parties, as I ihall pro- " cced by flow marches to Eiloign-houfe." By flow marches ! Well faid, Sifter. Bet, I will defy even the commander in chief to have written a more military letter. — Well, t en, we have no- thing to do but to proceed to bufinefs.- — You have no objections to a handfome girl, I fuppofe, and a good fortune ? B e v 1 L. None, Sir. Sir B e n j. Well, I'll fecure you a verdict in your favor, and now we'll go* to Eliza. Enter Servant. Captain Charles is come, Sir. Sir B e . n j. Adfo, this is unlucky; who the deuce could have ierv'd him with a fubpaena ?— Shew him up* [Exit fervant. Enter Charles. Well, Sir, and what brought you here ? Charles. Being fo near, I thought it my duty to pay my refpects to you, Sir.- — E 2 Sir 28 THE ARTIFICE. Sir B e n j. That's a confounded lie (aftde) are you not -afraid of being return'd, Non eft inventus. Charles. You mean, Abfent without leave, Sir — Not in the leaft. Sir B e n j. Then let me introduce you to my nephew— — Capt. Bobbin. CTbeyJIiake hands. He'll be nearer related to you before dinner. B e v i l, (a/ide.) I hope fo — Charles. As how, Sir ? Sir B e n j. By marrying your fifter. Char l e s. Eliza, Sir ! Sir B e n j. Yes, Eliza, Sir. I know of no other fifter you have.— Have you any obje&ions ? Charles. Not I Sir, if my fifter has none, but I under- itood that fhe was engaged to Mr. Bevil. S I r tHE ARTIFICE, *$ Sir Be n j. Why fofhe was : but be has turn'd fop, fpeaks French, takes fnuff, and has become an errant coxcomb by travelling - 9 fo I difmifs'd him. Char le's. And not without reafon, Sir, if that's the cafe. , -Sir Benj. Certainly not. — I was not to be caught with a feather and fine fpeeches. — I hate the French : but above all, I'hate afrenchified Engli(hmajL, Charles. And it's not very eafy, Sir, to. efcape your-pe- netration. ' r B E V I L. No, no, uncle is too knowing r.o be taken, -by furprize. - Sir : Bltfj. • R1gh^ne|)h^w;-~Egad-, -they ™ff- : rrF betimes who deceive me. Charles {afide to Bevil.) Bevil what time did you get up this morn- incr ? ing: S I R B E.N J. er tr. Char les Befides your filler can't do better than to marry, afoldier. 3o THE ARTIFI C E. Charles. I have no doubt, Sir, but the gentleman will do honor to your choice. Sir Benj. Charles, give me your hand — You're an honed fellow — Egad, the beau is nonfuited ; and what's worfe for him, he can't bring a writ of error. Chares and Bevil. Ha! ha! ha! Charles. The error will be on his fide, if he docs. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Sir Benj. Charles, and Bevil. Ha! ha! ha! Bevil. But, uncle, have you made any preparations for dinner ? Sir Benj. Adfo, I had like to have forgot — I muft provide, as my fitter won't be here in time. Bevil. Mother will be here before the fecond drum beats. Si r THE ARTIFICE. 3 l Sir B e n j. Aye, but that will be too late, I am afraid ; fo we muft proceed without her, and you mall be caterer. B e v I L. With all my heart, uncle : I love to fee a tabic well fpread — betides, a wedding-dinner mould be fumptuous. Charles. True, becaufe it happens but once in a man's life. Sir B e n j. Right, Charles, unlefs a man mould be damn'd lucky indeed. — So, nephew, confider this houfe as your own, and order as you pleafe. SONG. B E V I L. " Let the lank-fided mifer, '• Our wifer " Advifer, " Count overhistreafures, and flarve with his hoard j •* O God's, in creating, " The pleafure of eating, *' No luxury equals a full imoaking board. 35 THE ARTIFICE. Sir Ben j. Aye, aye, fire both fides of the Exchequer. [Exit Servant. This is lucky — This is as it ought to be, and I'll go and meet her. [Exit. Scene Vellum and Ralph at a table •, a mug of ale. Vellum. Come, here*s to Margaritta — that dear bewitch- ing wench. I pleaded a flaw in the indictment, and prevented fentence being pafs'd againft her—" She's a delicious girl ! Ralph. Here's to Margaritta then (drinks) I love a wench to my life, Matter Vellum, and often wifh that I was the only man in the world. — I'll drink her again. But fhe feems monftrous proud and piniated. Vellum. That's becaufe {he's monftrous handfome, Maf~ ter Ralph, and all handfome women are monftrous proud, you know. O, if I could but get her to give a verdict in my favor! She is the molt com- pact little freehold, and I'd rather be feiz'd of it entail, than be made Lord Chancellor. Ralph. Zounds, Mailer Vellum, I'd make her marry me. V E L L U M. Make her I Ralph. THE ARTIFICE. 39 Ralph. Aye, make her — 'Women mud always be forc'd to do that that they love bed. I forc'd my wench to go to the parfon. Vellum. Your wench ! What, are you married ? Ralph. Been married thefe three days, and to as fmart a little wench as any in the county of Bucks. V.e LLUM, There's a fellow — He does not know Hilary Term from Michaelmas Term, and yet he has contriv'd to get himfelf a wife, (aftde.) Married thefe three days ! Ralph. Aye, and I'll tell you how I caught her. A I R. When firft my fond Phillis I met in the grove, In vain did I whifper my paflicn of love; I try'd to no purpofe to conquer her heart, But vain was entreaty, in vain was my art ; She never beheld me but from me (he ran, Crying, Ralph, you may catch me*— Catch me now if you can. Thus jeer'd, and thus vext, I purfu'd the fly maid, How delicious the chace, when the toil's fo well paid ? I caught Mo T H E A R T I F I C E. I caught her, and . prefs'd her, and fwore (lie was mine, While each kifs'that I feiz'd gave me tranfports divine; To the church we repair'd, and fince I'm the man, She cries, My dear Ralph, love me now while you can. Vellum. Then you was never nonfuited. Ralph. Nan! Vellum. That is, you was never — '(looking) But what do I fee ? My Margaritta — Here (he is, and now for it. Enter Margarijt a. Mrs. Margaritta, we've been drinking your health. Margaritta. And more fliame for you, you fot — you two fots ! and at this time of day too ! when the whole houfe is in confufion, and Sir Benjamin has been calling you thefe two hours. You mull come along with me, both of you, this minute. Ralph. Muft ! That's more than our high-fheriff would fay. Vellum. By thofe fweet lips (offers to kifs) Nay, I muft kifs them. Mar- THE ARTIFICE. 41 Ma ROAR ITT A. A nafty troublcfome old fool (aftde). Well, 1*11 give you a doz-n if you'll come along with.me. Ralph. Hang her, let's have 'tother mug. Margaritta. Not one drop to fave your life. Vellum. A dozen kiffes, and one on demand I Margaritta. Any thing to get you away. Ralph. I fay t'other mug, Miller Vellum, never mind her. Vellum. Whatj after Hie offers to join ifilie with me— No, no— ^Matter Ralph. Margaritta {to Ralph). Very well, Mr. Guzzle, t'other mug, eh !-- Come along with me, both of you. Ralph {to Vellum} Happy man in fuch a wife. [Exeunt. G Enter 42 THE ARTIFICE, Enter Mrs. Bobbin conduced by a Servant. Sir Benjamin, Madam will be here in an in- ftant. O ! here my mafter is. Mrs. Bobbin. Very well, my lad, return to your poft. A centinel mould never quit it. [Exit Servant. Enter Sir Ben j. O ! here comes the Commander in Chief. Mrs. Bobbin falutes him, as with a f pontoon \ and Sir B. ftarts back in fuprize. Here's difcipline, brother, I have penetrated to the very centre of your garrifon without meeting a fingle creature— What would become of you if the enemy mould attack you by furprize. Sir B e n j. The 'law fays, that the parties mult be ferv'd with notice of trial, in order to prepare a de- fence. Mrs. Bobbin. Notice, indeed ! What notice, did brave Rod- ney give the Spanifh Admiral when he carried him into Gibraltar. (Feels in her pocket. And here read Prevoft's letter, dated Savannah in'Georgia, September, 1779 — I always carry the Gazette about me — There you'll fee what time our General bad to prepare for his defence when D'Eltaign came upon him like a thief in the night. S 1 R. T H E A R T I F I C E. 43 Sir B e n j. The French practice differs from that of ours, fifter. Mrs. Bobbin. I hope, brother, that ours will always diffe r from their's. Sir B e n j. I hope fo too, fifter ; but what, in the name of wonder, did you make all thole flourishing mo- tions with your whip, when I came in ? Mrs. Bobbin. Flourilhes, Brother ! it was a falute — You have received the honours due to a General Officer. . .a Sir B e n j. That a falute !---Zounds, I always thought that a falute was a kifs. Mrs. Bobbin. It was a falute en militaire % brother. Sir Be n j. She's gone ! a writ of recoverv would'nt bring: her back again (afide) Siiter, J like your martial fpirit. Mrs. Bobbin. No fuch thing, brother— You don't like it. G 2 1 -R 44 THE ARTIFICE, Sir B e n j. Why fifter, I don't like fiat contradictions, I own ; but in tiaaes like the prefent, I approve of the military aflbciations, and wifh they were more general. Mrs. Bobbin, Set the example, then, at your houfe in the country, and throw up an entrenchment within the park paling j the terrace will do for a battery en barbette^ and flank the pals by the kitchen garden— A breaft-work, with an abbatis fence, will prevent the enemy deftroying your turnips, or coming upon you in your rear, while a chain of fmail redoubts will fecure the cow-houle and ftables, and cover the dairy and pig-dies. Then you fhould reconnoitre the ground for five mi'>es round, and take the heights and levels, in order to poflefs yourfelf of fome out-pofts. Sir Benj. Heights and levels ! Zounds, fifbr, would you wifh to fee me in Newgate for high treafon ? Why, if I wanted to fell my eftate, I wou'd'nt venture to have it furvey'd—No, no, the times are danaerous—Bravoes and Informers are abroad, and prudent men fhould be cautious— But, who comes here— Another aid de camp ? Enter Drill. Mrs. B o b b i n. No--This i$ my orderly ferjeant— Where's the book ? [Drill prefents a book. We THE ARTIFICE. 45 We military people always write our orders the day before. (writes and returns the b§ok. Have you got the billets for, the horfes ? Drill. Yes, Ma*am. — Sir B e n j. Billets ! fhe means clogs, I fuppofe, for their feet — (ajide) Why, filter, will you give your felf any trouble about thele matters? — I'll defy your horfes to break any of my fences, bt;iidc,s, 1 have (tabling enough for twice the number. Mrs. Bobbin. That's what I mean, brother ; but you are ig- norant of the art miiitaire, — [Exit Drill. Sir B e n j. What ! becaufe I don't und^rftand your jar- gon, and will neither convert my houle into a for,, tirication, nor my farm into an encampment, I am ignorant ! Mrs. Bobbin. Suppofe the enemy mould land ? Sir B e n j. They know better, filler. Mrs, Bobbin. They'll find no difficulty in coming over. S I R 46 THE ARTIFICE. Sir B e n j. No -, but they'll fiad a very great one in getting back ; and' till that can be reduced to a certainty, I'll engage that the boldeft Frenchman will not venture his famiflied carcafe on Britifh ground. — Befides, don't you know that both they and the Spaniards are always caft, or nonfuited in their actions with us. Mrs. Bobbin. Fine talking ! and now the troops are gone in- to winter quarters, what's to hinder the French from marching to London ? Sir B e n j. The Britifh channel ; and if that won't do, why the Britifh fleet to be fure. But don't you think it would be monltrous unpolite in the Monfieurs to come and take the cicy from us, after we have been at the pains of new paving, watching and lighting the ftreets, and civilizing the inhabi- tants ? However, hang the French, they are not worth our thoughts, fo let us attend to our own affairs — That was an ugly accident that befel you this morning as well as a great lofs. Mrs. Bobbin, (furpriz'd.) Accident, and lofs, brother ! Sir B e n j. Aye, the charger ! Mrs. THE ARTIFICE. 47 Mrs. Bobbin. The charger ! What charger ? Sir B e n j. Why, the charger that you loft this morning. Mrs. Bobbin. The man's mad — I loft a charger ! Sir B e n j. Egad, it's you that are mad, and not I — Didn't you halt this morning ? Mrs. Bobbin. To be fure I did — You would not have me come by quick marches, and farigue my party ? Sir B e n j. Her very words — Well, then, I mean the char- ger — the horfe that you loft when you halted. Mrs. Bobbin. Nonfenfe — I loft no horfe, brother. Sir B e n j. You did not lofe a horfe this morning, when my nephew, your ai i. de-camp, neglected to fupcr- intend the embarkation ? Mrs. Bobbin. I really don't underftand you — I know of no embarkation but that at Havre-de-Grace. S i r 48 THE A R r I F 1 C E. Sir B e n j. I hope you won't deny your own hand writings --There ! read that and be convinc'd* (gives the letter*) M r Si Bobbin. Under my own hand~How's this ? {reads ) " Dr. Brother," S I R B E M J. * 1 hope you are convinced. Mrs. Bobbin. I am-^-that this is not my hand-writing* Sir B e n f. How! not your hand- writing ? Mrs. Bobbin; Not one fyllable of it. Sir B e n j. 1 had it from Bob myfelf. Mrs. Bobbin. Now 1 am convinced it's a forgery — Bob {raid behind to convoy the bangh horfes, which he has loaded with provifions, and he won't be here thefe two hours. Sir Bent. Then he need'ntcome at al! — *— 1 have been cheated, cozen'd and laugh'd at — Fool that I was — Vellum {rings) 1 mail go diftracled. Enter T H E A R T I F I C ;E. 49 Enter Vellum. Let a venire be feryed upon £liza dire&ly. Vellum. Mifs Eliza, Sir, has walked out with. the. two captains. Sir Be n j, ■ Walk'dout with the two captains! then I'm ruin'd and undone ; fencl' Habeas arid the other fervants to bring them back, vt et armis. — Mrs. Bobbi n. And my party frjall reinforce the detachment. Sir B e n j. Fool that I was, not to fee thro' their fham pleadings. [Exit Vellum. Bevil has perfonakd your Ton, and Charles is a particeps criminans. - _....'. Mrs. Bobbin. This comes of your want of difcipline, brother ! No one mould go from head-quartprs without leave. — Then where's your piquets and quarter- 1 guards ? Sir Be n j. Zounds, lifter, 'Pm notoblig'd to anfwer inter- rogatories. Who comes here r* {looking) — Egad, its Vellum returned already, and madam herielf with him, and that confederate rogue Charles,-r- Enter Vellum, Followed by Eliza, Bevil, Charles,