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 FAMILY 
 
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 HISTORY OF N.E 
 
 T 1 El E EM D "Pl v T \.i E D U'T C H D 1 
 
 DIED RICH KNICKEIUH) 
 
 L O N D O 
 


KNICKERBOCKER'S 
 
 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK, 
 
 He toaarfjeilr trie in twister lag, 
 Hie txomt met ftlaarfjrtij aan irett 
 
C.Cruikshank del 
 
 Davergjoit sculp. 
 
 
HISTORY OF NEW- YORK, 
 
 FROM 
 
 Cije 33egtnmug of tljt OTorlfc 
 
 TO 
 
 THE END OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 
 
 CONTAINING, 
 
 AMONG MANY SURPRISING AND CURIOUS MATTERS, 
 
 THE UNUTTERABLE PONDER1NGS OF WALTER THE DOUBTER, 
 THE DISASTROUS PROJECTS OF WILLIAM THE TESTY, 
 
 AND 
 
 'HE CHIVALROUS ACHIEVEMENTS OF PETER THE HEADSTRONG, 
 
 THE THREE DUTCH GOVERNORS OF NEW-AMSTERDAM : 
 BEING THE ONLY 
 
 lutfjeirtie j^fetorg of tfje Cimes tjat eber fjatfj teen 
 
 BY DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER. 
 
 LONDON : 
 PRINTED FOR THOMAS TEGG AND SON, 
 
 73, CHEAPSIDE. 
 MDCCCXXXVI. 
 
Fia'a 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, 
 WHITEFRIARS. 
 
ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 
 
 IT was some time, if I recollect right, in the early part 
 of the fall of 1808, that a stranger applied for lodgings at 
 the Independent Columbian Hotel in Mulberry Street, of 
 which I am landlord. He was a small, brisk-looking old 
 gentleman, dressed in a rusty black coat, a pair of olive 
 velvet breeches, and a small cocked hat. He had a few 
 grey hairs plaited and clubbed behind, and his beard 
 seemed to be of some eight- and-forty hours' growth. The 
 only piece of finery which he bore about him was a bright 
 pair of square silver shoe-buckles : and all his baggage was 
 contained in a pair of saddle-bags, which he carried under 
 his arm. His whole appearance was something out of the 
 common run ; and my wife, who is a very shrewd body, 
 at once set him down for some eminent country school- 
 master. 
 
 As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very small 
 house, I was a little puzzled at first where to put him ; but 
 my wife, who seemed taken with his looks, would needs 
 put him in her best chamber, which is genteelly set off 
 with the profiles of the whole family, done in black, by 
 those two great painters, Jarvis and Wood ; and commands 
 a very pleasant view of the new grounds on the Collect, 
 together with the rear of the Poor-House and Bridewell, 
 and the full front of the Hospital ; so that it is the cheer- 
 fullest room in the whole house. 
 
 During the whole time that he stayed with us, we found 
 
 M90352 
 
VI ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 
 
 him a very worthy good sort of an old gentleman, though 
 a little queer in his ways. He would keep in his room for 
 days together, and if any of the children cried, or made a 
 noise about his door, he would bounce out in a great pas- 
 sion, with his hands full of papers, and say something 
 about " deranging his ideas;' 5 which made my wife believe 
 sometimes that he was not altogether compos. Indeed 
 there was more than one reason to make her think so, for 
 his room was always covered with scraps of paper and old 
 mouldy books, lying about at sixes and sevens, which he 
 never would let anybody touch ; for he said he had laid 
 them all away in their proper places, so that he might 
 know where to find them ; though, for that matter, he was 
 half his time worrying about the house in search of some 
 book or writing which he had carefully put out of the way. 
 1 shall never forget what a pother he once made, because 
 my wife cleaned out his room when his back was turned, 
 and put everything to rights ; for he swore he would never 
 be able to get his papers in order again in a twelvemonth. 
 Upon this my wife ventured to ask him, what he did with 
 so many books and papers? and he told her, that he was 
 " seeking for immortality;" which made her think, more 
 than ever, that the poor old gentleman's head was a little 
 cracked. 
 
 He was a very inquisitive body, and when not in his 
 room was continually poking about town, hearing all the 
 news, and prying into everything that was going on : this 
 was particularly the case about election time, when he 
 did nothing but bustle about from poll to poll, attending 
 all ward meetings and committee rooms ; though I could 
 never find that he took part with either side of the ques- 
 tion. On the contrary, he would come home and rail at 
 both parties with great wrath and plainly proved one day 
 to the satisfaction of my wife, and three old ladies who 
 
ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. Vll 
 
 were drinking tea with her, that the two parties were like 
 two rogues, each tugging at a skirt of the nation ; and that 
 in the end they would tear the very coat off its back, and 
 expose its nakedness. Indeed he was an oracle among the 
 neighbours, who would collect around to hear him talk of 
 an afternoon, as he smoked his pipe on the bench before 
 the door ; and I really believe he would have brought over 
 the whole neighbourhood to his own side of the question, 
 if they could ever have found out what it was. 
 
 He was very much given to argue, or, as he called it, 
 philosophise, about the most trifling matter, and to do him 
 justice, I never knew anybody that was a match for him, 
 except it was a grave-looking gentleman who called now 
 and then to see him, and often posed him in an argument. 
 But this is nothing surprising, as I have since found out 
 this stranger is the city librarian ; and, of course, must be 
 a man of great learning: and I have my doubts, if he had 
 not some hand in the following history. 
 
 As our lodger had been a long time with us, and we 
 had never received any pay, my wife began to be some- 
 what uneasy, and curious to find out who and what he 
 was. She accordingly made bold to put the question to 
 his friend, the librarian, who replied, in his dry way, that 
 he was one of the Literati ; which she supposed to mean 
 some new party in politics. I scorn to push a lodger for 
 his pay, so I let day after day pass on without dunning 
 the old gentleman for a farthing : but my wife, who always 
 takes these matters on herself, and is, as I said, a shrewd 
 kind of a woman, at last got out of patience, and hinted, 
 that she thought it high time (< some people should have 
 a sight of some people's money." To which the old 
 gentleman replied in a mighty touchy manner, that she 
 need not make herself uneasy, for that he had a treasure 
 there (pointing to his saddle-bags) worth her whole house 
 
Vlll ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 
 
 put together. This was the only answer we could ever 
 get from him ; and as my wife, by some of those odd 
 ways in which women find out every thing, learnt that he 
 was of very great connexions, being related to the 
 Knickerbockers of Scaghtikoke, and cousin-german to 
 the Congress-man of that name, she did not like to treat 
 him uncivilly. What is more, she even offered, merely 
 hy way of making things easy, to let him live scot-free, 
 if he would teach the children their letters ; and to try 
 her best and get the neighbours to send their children 
 also : but the old gentleman took it in such dudgeon, and 
 seemed so affronted at being taken for a schoolmaster, that 
 she never dared speak on the subject again. 
 
 About two months ago, he went out of a morning, with 
 a bundle in his hand and has never been heard of since. 
 All kinds of inquiries were made after him, but in vain. 
 I wrote to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but they sent for 
 answer, that he had not been there since the year before 
 last, when he had a great dispute with the Congress-man 
 about politics, and left the place in a huff, and they had 
 neither heard nor seen any thing of him from that time 
 to this. I must own I felt very much worried about the 
 poor old gentleman ; for I thought something bad must 
 have happened to him, that he should be missing so long, 
 and never return to pay his bill. I therefore advertised 
 him in the newspapers, and though my melancholy ad- 
 vertisement was published by several humane printers, yet 
 I have never been able to learn anything satisfactory 
 about him. 
 
 My wife now said it was high time to take care of 
 ourselves, and see if he had left any thing behind in his 
 room, that would pay us for his board and lodging. We 
 found nothing, however, but some old books and musty 
 writings, and his pair of saddle-bags; which being opened 
 
ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. IX 
 
 in presence of the librarian, contained only a few articles 
 of worn out clothes, and a large bundle of blotted paper. 
 On looking over this, the librarian told us, he had no 
 doubt it was the treasure which the old gentleman had 
 spoke about; as it proved to be a most excellent and 
 faithful HISTORY OF NEW YORK, which he advised us by 
 all means to publish : assuring us that it would be so 
 eagerly bought up by a discerning public, that he had no 
 doubt it would be enough to pay our arrears ten times 
 over. Upon this we got a very learned schoolmaster, who 
 teaches our children, to prepare it for the press, which he 
 accordingly has done ; and has, moreover, added to it a 
 number of notes of his own ; and an engraving of the 
 city, as it was at the time Mr. Knickerbocker writes about. 
 
 This, therefore, is a true statement of my reasons for 
 having this work printed, without waiting for the consent 
 of the author : and I here declare, that if he ever returns 
 (though I much fear some unhappy accident has befallen 
 him), I stand ready to account with him like a true and 
 honest man. Which is all at present 
 
 From the public's humble servant, 
 
 SETH HANDASIDE. 
 
 Independent Columbian Hotel, 
 New York. 
 
 THE foregoing account of the author was prefixed to the 
 first edition of this work. Shortly after its publication, a 
 letter was received from him, by Mr. Handaside, dated 
 at a small Dutch village on the banks of the Hudson, 
 whither he had travelled for the purpose of inspecting 
 certain~ancient records. As this was one of those few and 
 happy villages, into which newspapers never find their 
 way, it is not a matter of surprise, that Mr. Knickerbocker 
 should never have seen the numerous advertisements that 
 
X ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 
 
 were made concerning him ; and that he should learn of 
 the publication of his history by mere accident. 
 
 He expressed much concern at its premature appear- 
 ance, as thereby he was prevented from making several 
 important corrections and alterations : as well as from 
 profiting by many curious hints which he had collected 
 during his travels along the shores of the Tappan Sea, 
 and his sojourn at Haverstraw and Esopus. 
 
 Finding that there was no longer any immediate neces- 
 sity for his return to New York, he extended his journey 
 up to the residence of his relations at Scaghtikoke. On his 
 way thither he stopped for some days at Albany, for which 
 city he is known to have entertained a great partiality. 
 He found it, however, considerably altered, and was much 
 concerned at the inroads and improvements which the 
 Yankees were making, and the consequent decline of the 
 good old Dutch manners. Indeed he was informed that 
 these intruders were making sad innovations in all parts 
 of the state ; where they had given great trouble and vex- 
 ation to the regular Dutch settlers, by the introduction of 
 turnpike-gates and country school-houses. It is said also, 
 that Mr. Knickerbocker shook his head sorrowfully at 
 noticing the gradual decay of the great Vander Heyden 
 palace ; but was highly indignant at finding that the 
 ancient Dutch church, which stood in the middle of the 
 street, had been pulled down since his last visit. 
 
 The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker's History having 
 reached even to Albany, he received much flattering 
 attention from its worthy burghers; some of whom, 
 however, pointed out two or three very great errors he 
 had fallen into, particularly that of suspending a lump of 
 sugar over the Albany tea-tables, which, they assured him, 
 had been discontinued for some years past. Several fami- 
 lies, moreover, were somewhat piqued that their ancestors 
 
ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. XI 
 
 had not been mentioned in his work, and showed great 
 jealousy of their neighbours who had been thus distin- 
 guished ; while the latter, it must be confessed, plumed 
 themselves vastly thereupon ; considering these recordings 
 in the light of letters patent of nobility, establishing their 
 claims to ancestry which, in this republican country, is a 
 matter of no little solicitude and vain-glory. 
 
 It is also said, that he enjoyed high favour and counte- 
 nance from the governor, who once asked him to dinner, 
 and was seen two or three times to shake hands with him 
 when they met in the street ; which certainly was going 
 great lengths, considering that they differed in politics. 
 Indeed, certain of the governor's confidential friends, to 
 whom he could venture to speak his mind freely on such 
 matters, have assured us that he privately entertained a 
 considerable good- will for our author nay, he even once 
 went so far as to declare, and that openly, too, and at his 
 own table, just after dinner, that " Knickerbocker was a 
 very well-meaning sort of an old gentleman, and no fool/' 
 From all which many have been led to suppose, that, 
 had our author been of different politics, arid written for 
 the newspapers instead of wasting his talents on histories, 
 he might have risen to some post of honour and profit : 
 peradventure to be a notary public, or even a justice in 
 the ten pound court. 
 
 Besides the honours and civilities already mentioned, 
 he was much caressed by the literati of Albany; parti- 
 cularly Mr. John Cook, who entertained him very hospi- 
 tably at his circulating library and reading-room, where 
 they used to drink Spa water, and talk about the ancients. 
 He found Mr. Cook a man after his own heart of great 
 literary research, and a curious collector of books. At 
 parting, the latter, in testimony of friendship, made him 
 a present of the two oldest works in his collection ; which 
 
Xll ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 
 
 were, the earliest edition of the Heidelburg Catechism? 
 and Adrian Vander Donck's famous account of the New 
 Netherlands: by the last of which Mr. Knickerbocker 
 profited greatly in this his second edition. 
 
 Having passed some time very agreeably at Albany, our 
 author proceeded to Scaghtikoke; where, it is but justice 
 to say, he was received with open arms, and treated with 
 wonderful lovingkindness. He was much looked up to 
 by the family, being the first historian of the name ; and 
 was considered almost as great a man as his cousin the 
 Congress-man with whom, by the by, he became per- 
 fectly reconciled, and contracted a strong friendship. 
 
 In spite, however, of the kindness of his relations, and 
 their great attention to his comforts, the old gentleman 
 soon became restless and discontented. His history being 
 published, he had no longer any business to occupy his 
 thoughts, or any scheme to excite his hopes and anticipa- 
 tions. This, to a busy mind like his, was a truly deplo- 
 rable situation ; and, had he not been a man of inflexible 
 morals and regular habits, there would have been great 
 danger of his taking to politics or drinking both which 
 pernicious vices we daily see men driven to by mere spleen 
 and idleness. 
 
 It is true, he sometimes employed himself in preparing 
 a second edition of his history, wherein he endeavoured 
 to correct and improve many passages with which he was 
 dissatisfied, and to rectify some mistakes that had crept 
 into it; for he was particularly anxious that his work 
 should be noted for its authenticity; which, indeed, is 
 the very life and soul of history. But the glow of 
 composition had departed he had to leave many places 
 untouched, which he would fain have altered ; and even 
 where he did make alterations, he seemed always in doubt 
 whether they were for the better or the worse. 
 
ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. Xlll 
 
 After a residence of some time at Scaghtikoke, he 
 began to feel a strong desire to return to New York, which 
 he ever regarded with the warmest affection ; not merely 
 because it was his native city, but because he really con- 
 sidered it the very best city in the whole world. On his 
 return he entered into the full enjoyment of the advan- 
 tages of a literary reputation. He was continually impor- 
 tuned to write advertisements, petitions, hand-bills, and 
 productions of similar import; and, although he never 
 meddled with the public papers, yet had he the credit 
 of writing innumerable essays, and smart things, that 
 appeared on all subjects, and all sides of the question ; in 
 all which he was clearly detected " by his style." 
 
 He contracted, moreover, a considerable debt at the post- 
 office,, in consequence of the numerous letters he received 
 from authors and printers soliciting his subscription 
 he was applied to by every charitable society for yearly 
 donations, which he gave very cheerfully, considering 
 these applications as so many compliments. He was once 
 invited to a great corporation dinner ; and was even twice 
 summoned to attend as a juryman at the court of quarter 
 sessions. Indeed, so renowned did he become, that he 
 could no longer pry about, as formerly, in all holes and 
 corners of the city, according to the bent of his humour, 
 unnoticed and uninterrupted ; but several times when he 
 has been sauntering the streets, on his usual rambles of 
 observation, equipped with his cane and cocked hat, the 
 little boys at play have been known to cry, " there goes 
 Diedrich!" at which the old gentleman seemed not a 
 little pleased, looking upon these salutations in the light of 
 the praises of posterity. 
 
 In a word, if we take into consideration all these various 
 honours and distinctions, together with an exuberant eulo- 
 gium passed on him in the Portfolio (with which, we 
 
XIV ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 
 
 are told, the old gentleman was so much overpowered, 
 that he was sick for two or three days) it must be con- 
 fessed that few authors have ever lived to receive such 
 illustrious rewards, or have so completely enjoyed in 
 advance their own immortality. 
 
 After his return from Scaghtikoke, Mr. Knickerbocker 
 took up his residence at a little rural retreat, which the 
 Stuyvesants had granted him on the family domain, in 
 gratitude for his honourable mention of their ancestors. 
 It was pleasantly situated on the borders of one of the salt 
 marshes beyond Corlear's Hook : subject, indeed, to be 
 occasionally overflowed, and much infested, in the summer 
 time, with musquitoes; but otherwise very agreeable, 
 producing abundant crops of salt-grass and bulrushes. 
 
 Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gentleman fell 
 dangerously ill of a fever, occasioned by the neighbouring 
 marshes. When he found his end approaching, he dis- 
 posed of his worldly affairs, leaving the bulk of his for- 
 tune to the New York Historical Society : his Heidelburg 
 Catechism, and Vander Donck's work to the City Library; 
 and his saddle-bags to Mr. Handaside. He forgave all 
 his enemies that is to say, all that bore any enmity 
 towards him ; for as to himself, he declared he died in 
 good will to all the world. And, after dictating several 
 kind messages to his relations at Scaghtikoke, as well as 
 to certain of our most substantial Dutch citizens, he 
 expired in the arms of his friend the librarian. 
 
 His remains were interred, according to his own request, 
 in St. Mark's Church-yard, close by the bones of his 
 favourite hero, Peter Stuy vesant ; and it is rumoured that 
 the Historical Society have it in mind to erect a wooden 
 monument to his memory in the Bowling-green. 
 
TO THE PUBLIC. 
 
 " To rescue from oblivion the memory of former inci- 
 dents, and to render a just tribute of renown to the many 
 great and wonderful transactions of our Dutch proge- 
 nitors, Diedrich Knickerbocker, native of the city of New 
 York, produces this historical essay*." Like the great 
 Father of History whose words I have just quoted, 
 I treat of times long past, over which the twilight of 
 uncertainty had already thrown its shadows, and the 
 night of forgetfulness was about to descend for ever. 
 With great solicitude did I long behold the early history 
 of this venerable and ancient city gradually slipping from 
 our grasp, trembling on the lips of narrative old age, and 
 day by day dropping piecemeal into the tomb. In a little 
 while, thought I, and those reverend Dutch burghers, 
 who serve as the tottering monuments of good old times, 
 will be gathered to their fathers ; their children, engrossed 
 by the empty pleasures or insignificant transactions of 
 the present age, will neglect to treasure up the recollec- 
 tions of the past, and posterity shall search in vain for 
 memorials of the days of the Patriarchs. The origin of 
 our city will be buried in eternal oblivion, and even the 
 names and achievements of Wouter Van T wilier, William 
 
 * Beloe's Herodotus. 
 
XVI PREFACE. 
 
 Kieft, and Peter Stuyvesant, be enveloped in doubt and 
 fiction, like those of Romulus and Remus, of Charlemagne, 
 King Arthur, Rinaldo, and Godfrey of Boulogne. 
 
 Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this threat- 
 ened misfortune, I industriously set myself to work, to 
 gather together all the fragments of our ancient history 
 which still existed, and like my revered prototype, 
 Herodotus, where no written records could be found, have 
 endeavoured to continue the chain of history by well 
 authenticated traditions. 
 
 In this arduous undertaking, which has been the sole 
 business of a long and solitary life, it is incredible the 
 number of learned authors I have consulted ; and all to 
 but little purpose. Strange as it may seem, though such 
 multitudes of excellent works have been written about 
 this country, there are none extant which give any full 
 and satisfactory account of the early history of New York, 
 or of its three first Dutch governors. I have, however, 
 gained much valuable and curious matter from an elabo- 
 rate manuscript written in exceeding pure and classic Low 
 Dutch, excepting a few errors in orthography, which was 
 found in the archives of the Stuyvesant family. Many 
 legends, letters, and other documents, have I likewise 
 gleaned in my researches among the family chests and 
 lumber garrets of our respectable Dutch citizens: and I 
 have gathered a host of well authenticated traditions from 
 divers excellent old ladies of my acquaintance, who re- 
 quested that their names might not be mentioned. Nor 
 must I neglect to acknowledge how greatly I have been 
 assisted by that admirable and praiseworthy institution, 
 the NEW YORK HISTORICAL SOCIETY, to which I here 
 publicly return my sincere acknowledgments. 
 
PREFACE. XV11 
 
 In the conduct of this inestimable work I have adopted 
 no individual model, but on the contrary have simply con- 
 tented myself with combining and concentrating the ex- 
 cellences of the most approved ancient historians. Like 
 Xenophon, I have maintained the utmost impartiality, and 
 the strictest adherence to truth throughout my history. I 
 have enriched it, after the manner of Sallust, with various 
 characters of ancient worthies, drawn at full length and 
 faithfully coloured. I have seasoned it with profound poli- 
 tical speculations like Thucydides, sweetened it with the 
 graces of sentiment like Tacitus, and infused into the 
 whole, the dignity, the grandeur, and magnificence of Livy. 
 
 I am aware that I shall incur the censure of numerous 
 very learned and judicious critics, for indulging too fre- 
 quently in the bold excursive manner of my favourite 
 Herodotus. And, to be candid, I have found it impossible 
 always to resist the allurements of those pleasing episodes 
 which, like flowery banks and fragrant bowers, beset the 
 dusty road of the historian, and entice him to turn aside 
 and refresh himself from his wayfaring. But I trust it 
 will be found that I have always resumed my staf and 
 addressed myself to my weary journey with renovated 
 spirits, so that both my readers and myself have been 
 benefited by the relaxation. 
 
 Indeed, though it has been my constant wish and 
 uniform endeavour to rival Polybius himself, in observing 
 the requisite unity of History, yet the loose and uncon- 
 nected manner in which many of the facts herein recorded 
 have come to hand, rendered such an attempt extremely 
 difficult. This difficulty was likewise increased by one of 
 the grand objects contemplated in my work, which was to 
 trace the rise of sundry customs and institutions in this 
 best of cities, and to compare them when in the germ of 
 
XV111 PREFACE. 
 
 infancy with what they are in the present old age of 
 knowledge and improvement. 
 
 But the chief merit on which I value myself, and found 
 my hopes for future regard, is that faithful veracity with 
 which I have compiled this invaluable little work ; care- 
 fully winnowing away the chaff of hypothesis, and 
 discarding the tares of fable, which are too apt to spring 
 up and choke the seeds of truth and wholesome knowledge. 
 Had I been anxious to captivate the superficial throng, 
 who skim like swallows over the surface of literature ; or 
 had I been anxious to commend my writings to the pam- 
 pered palates of literary epicures I might have availed 
 myself of the obscurity that overshadows the infant years 
 of our city, to introduce a thousand pleasing fictions. 
 But I have scrupulously discarded many a pithy tale and 
 marvellous adventure, whereby the drowsy air of summer 
 indolence might be enthralled; jealously maintaining that 
 fidelity, gravity, and dignity, which should ever distinguish 
 the historian. " For a writer of this class," observes an 
 elegant critic, " must sustain the character of a wise man, 
 writing for the instruction of posterity: one who has 
 studied to inform himself well, who has pondered his 
 subject with care, and addressed himself to our judgment 
 rather than to our imagination/' 
 
 Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned city, in 
 having incidents worthy of swelling the theme of history ; 
 and doubly thrice happy is it in having such an historian 
 as myself to relate them. For after all, gentle reader, 
 cities of themselves, and in fact, empires of themselves, are 
 nothing without an historian. It is the patient narrator 
 who records their prosperity as they rise who blazons 
 forth the splendour of their noon-tide meridian who props 
 their feeble memorials as they totter to decay who gathers 
 
PREFACE. XIX 
 
 together their scattered fragments as they rot and who 
 piously at length collects their ashes into the mausoleum 
 of his work, and rears a triumphal monument to transmit 
 their renown to all succeeding ages. 
 
 What has been the fate of many fair cities of antiquity, 
 whose nameless ruins encumber the plains of Europe and 
 Asia, and awaken the fruitless inquiry of the traveller ? 
 they have sunk into dust and silence they have perished 
 from remembrance for want of an historian ! The philan- 
 thropist may weep over their desolation the poet may 
 wander among their mouldering arches and broken columns, 
 and indulge the visionary flights of his fancy but alas! 
 alas! the modern historian, whose pen, like my own, is 
 doomed to confine itself to dull matter of fact, seeks in 
 vain among their oblivious remains for some memorial 
 that may tell the instructive tale of their glory and their 
 ruin. 
 
 ( - e Wars, conflagrations, deluges," says Aristotle, "destroy 
 nations, and with them all their monuments, their disco- 
 veries, and their vanities. The torch of science has more 
 than once been extinguished and rekindled a few indivi- 
 duals, who have escaped by accident, reunite the thread of 
 generations." 
 
 The same sad misfortune which has happened to so 
 many ancient cities will happen again, and from the same 
 sad cause, to nine-tenths of those which now flourish on 
 the face of the globe. With most of them the time for 
 recording their history is gone by; their origin, their 
 foundation, together with the early stages of their settle- 
 ment, are for ever buried in the rubbish of years ; and the 
 same would have been the case with this fair portion of 
 the earth, if I had net snatched it from obscurity in the 
 very nick of time, at the moment that those matters herein 
 
XX PREFACE. 
 
 recorded were about entering into the widespread insatiable 
 maw of oblivion if I had not dragged them out, as it 
 were, by the very locks,, just as the monster's adamantine 
 fangs were closing upon them for ever ! And here have I, 
 as before observed, carefully collected,, collated, and arranged 
 them, scrip and scrap, "punt en punt, gat en gat" and 
 commenced in this little work,, a history to serve as a 
 foundation, on which other historians may hereafter raise 
 a noble superstructure, swelling in process of time, until 
 Knickerbocker s New York may be equally voluminous with 
 Gibbon's Rome, or Hume and Smollett* s England ! * 
 
 And now indulge me for a moment : while I lay down 
 my pen, skip to some little eminence at the distance of two 
 or three hundred yards a-head ; and, casting a bird's eye 
 glance over the waste of years that is to roll between, dis- 
 cover myself little I ! at this moment the progenitor, 
 prototype, and precursor of them all, posted at the head of 
 this host of literary worthies, with my book under my arm, 
 and New York on my back, pressing forward like a gallant 
 commander to honour and immortality ! 
 
 Such are the vainglorious imaginings that will now and 
 then enter into the brain of the author that irradiate, as 
 with celestial light, his solitary chamber, cheering his 
 weary spirits, and animating him to persevere in his 
 labours. And I have freely given utterance to these rhap- 
 sodies whenever they have occurred ; not, I trust, from ah 
 unusual spirit of egotism, but merely that the reader may 
 for once have an idea how an author thinks and feels 
 while he is writing a kind of knowledge very rare' and 
 curious, and much to be desired. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 Page 
 ACCOUNT of the Author ....... v 
 
 Preface . . . . . . . . . xv 
 
 BOOK I. 
 
 CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND P.HILOSOPHIC SPE- 
 CULATIONS CONCERNING THE CREATION AND POPULATION OF 
 THE WORLD, AS CONNECTED WITH THE HISTORY OF NEW 
 YORK. 
 
 CHAP. I Description of the World .... 1 
 
 CHAP. II. Cosmogony, or Creation of the World ; with a 
 Multitude of excellent Theories, by which the Creation of 
 a World is shown to be no such difficult Matter as common 
 Folks would imagine ....... 8 
 
 CHAP. III. How far that famous Navigator, Noah, was 
 shamefully nicknamed; and how he committed an unpar- 
 donable Oversight in not having Four Sons : with the great 
 Trouble of Philosophers caused thereby, and the Discovery 
 of America . . . . . . . .16 
 
 CHAP. IV. Showing the great Difficulty Philosophers have 
 had in peopling America^and how the Aborigines came to 
 be begotten by Accident, to the great Relief and Satisfaction 
 of the Author 22 
 
 CHAP. V In which the Author puts a mighty Question to 
 the Rout, by the Assistance of the Man in the Moon 
 which not only delivers Thousands of People from great 
 Embarrassment, but likewise concludes this Introductory 
 Book 30 
 
XX11 CONTENTS. 
 
 Fajje 
 
 BOOK II. 
 
 TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE 
 OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 
 
 CHAP. I. In which are contained divers Reasons why a Man 
 should not write in a hurry. Also of Master Hendrick 
 Hudson, his Discovery of a strange Country and how he 
 was magnificently rewarded by the Munificence of their 
 High Mightinesses . . . . . 46 
 
 CHAP. II. Containing an Account of a mighty Ark which 
 floated under the Protection of St. Nicholas irom Holland 
 to Gibbet Island the Descent of the strange Animals there- 
 from a great Victory, arid a Description of the ancient 
 Village of Com muni paw . . . . . .56 
 
 CHAP. III. In which is set forth the true Art of making a 
 Bargain together with the miraculous Escape of a great 
 Metropolis in a Fog and the Biography of certain Heroes 
 of Communipaw . . . . . . . .63 
 
 CHAP. IV. How the Heroes of Communipaw voyaged to 
 Hell-Gate, and how they were received there . . .70 
 
 CHAP. V How the Heroes of Communipaw returned some- 
 what wiser than they went and how the sage Oloffe 
 dreamed a Dream and the Dream that he dreamed . 80 
 
 CHAP. VI. Containing an Attempt at Etymology and of 
 the Foundation of the great City of New Amsterdam * 84 
 
 CHAP. VII. How the City of New Amsterdam waxed great 
 under the Protection of Oloffe the Dreamer . . .91 
 
 BOOK III. 
 
 IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER 
 VAN TWILLER. 
 
 CHAP, f . Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his unpa- 
 ralleled Virtues as likewise his unutterable Wisdom in 
 the Law Case of Wandle Schoonhoven and Barent Bleecker 
 and the great Admiration of the Public thereat . .98 
 
 CHAP. II. Containing some Account of the grand Council of 
 New Amsterdam, as also divers especial good philosophical 
 Reasons why an Alderman should be fat with other Par- 
 ticulars touching the State of the Province . . .106 
 
 CHAP. Ill How the Town of New Amsterdam arose out of 
 
 Mud, and came to be marvellously polished and polite 
 together with a Picture of our Great-great-grandfathers . 115 
 
CONTENTS. XXlll 
 
 Page 
 
 CHAP. IV. Containing further Particulars of the Golden Age, 
 and what constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman in the 
 Days of Walter the Doubter 124 
 
 CHAP. V. In which the Reader is heguiled into a delectable 
 Walk, which ends very differently from what it commenced 130 
 
 CHAP. VI. Faithfully describing the ingenious People of 
 Connecticut and thereabouts Showing, moreover, the true 
 meaning of Liberty of Conscience, and a curious Device 
 among these sturdy Barbarians, to keep up a Harmony of 
 Intercourse, and promote Population . . . .136 
 
 CHAP. VII. How these simple Barbarians turned out to be 
 notorious Squatters. How they built Air Castles, and 
 attempted to initiate the Nederlanders in the" Mystery of 
 Bundling 141 
 
 CHAP. VIII. How the Fort Goed Hoop was fearfully be- 
 leaguered how the renowned Wouter fell into a profound 
 Doubt, and how he finally evaporated . . . .146 
 
 BOOK IV. 
 
 CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN OF WILLIAM THE 
 TESTY. 
 
 CHAP. I Showing the Nature of History in general; con- 
 taining furthermore the universal Acquirements of William 
 the Testy, and how a Man may learn so much as to render 
 himself good for Nothing . . . . . .154 
 
 CHAP. II. In which are recorded the sage Projects of a Ruler 
 of universal Genius. The Art of fighting by Proclamation, 
 and how that the valiant Jacobus Van Curlet came to 
 be foully dishonoured at Fort Goed Hoop . . .164 
 
 CHAP. III. Containing the fearful Wrath of William the 
 Testy, and the great Dolour of the New Amsterdammers, 
 because of the Affair of Fort Goed Hoop. And moreover 
 how William the Testy did strongly fortify the City. To- 
 gether with the Exploits of Stoffel Brinkerhoff . .170 
 
 CHAP. IV. Philosophical Reflections on the Folly of being 
 happy in Times of Prosperity Sundry Troubles on the 
 Southern Frontiers How William the Testy had well 
 nigh ruined the Province through a cabalistic Word As 
 also the secret Expedition of Jan Janscn Alpendam, and 
 kis astonishing Reward . . . . . .177 
 
XXIV CONTENTS. 
 
 Page 
 
 CHAP. V. How William the Testy enriched the Province 
 by a Multitude of Laws, and came to be the Patron of 
 Lawyers and Bumbailiffs And how the People became 
 exceedingly enlightened and unhappy under his Instructions 186 
 
 CHAP. VI Of the great Pipe Plot and of the dolorous 
 
 Perplexities into which William the Testy was thrown, by 
 reason of his having enlightened the Multitude . .194 
 
 CHAP. VII. Containing divers fearful Accounts of Border 
 Wars, and the flagrant Outrages of the Moss-Troopers of 
 Connecticut; with the Rise of the great Amphictyonic 
 Council of the East, and the Decline of William the 
 Testy. . 200 
 
 BOOK V. 
 
 CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER STUYVE- 
 SANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHICTYONIC COUNCIL. 
 
 CHAP. I. In which the Death of a great Man is shown to be 
 no very inconsolable Matter of Sorrow ; and how Peter 
 Stuyvesant acquired a great Name from the uncommon 
 Strength of his Head 210 
 
 CHAP. II. Showing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred 
 himself among the Rats and Cobwebs on entering into 
 Office ; and the perilous Mistake he was guilty of in his 
 Dealings with the Amphictyons . . . . .217 
 
 CHAP. Ill Containing various Speculations on War and Ne- 
 gotiations showing that a Treaty of Peace is a great 
 national Evil 222 
 
 CHAP. IV. How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly belied by his 
 Adversaries the Moss-Troopers and his Conduct thereupon 228 
 
 CHAP. V. How the New Amsterdammers became great in 
 Arms, and of the direful Catastrophe of a mighty Army 
 together with Peter Stuyvesant' s Measures to fortify the 
 City and how he was the original Founder of the Battery 237 
 
 CHAP. VI How the People of the East Country were sud- 
 denly afflicted with a diabolical Evil and their judicious 
 Measures for the Extirpation thereof .... 243 
 
 CHAP. VII. Which records the Rise and Renown of a valiant 
 Commander ; showing that a Man, like a Bladder, may be 
 puffed up to Greatness and Importance by mere Wind . 249 
 
CONTENTS. XXV 
 
 BOOK VI. 
 
 CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE 
 HE YDSTRONGj AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELA- 
 WARE. 
 
 Page 
 
 CHAP. I. In which is exhibited a warlike Portrait of the 
 great Peter and how General Von Poffenburgh distin- 
 guished himself at Fort Casimir ..... 25(j 
 
 CHAP. TI Showing how profound Secrets are often brought 
 
 to Light ; with the Proceedings of Peter the Headstrong, 
 when he heard of the Misfortune of General Von Poffen- 
 burgh . . .269 
 
 CHAP. III. Containing Peter Stuyvesant's Voyage up the 
 Hudson, and the Wonders and Delights of that renowned 
 River 276 
 
 CHAP. IV. Describing the powerful Army that assembled at 
 the City of New Amsterdam together with the Interview 
 between Peter the Headstrong and General Von Poffenburgh; 
 and Peter's Sentiments touching unfortunate great Men . 284 
 
 CHAP. V. In which the Author discourses very ingenuously 
 of himself after which is to be found much interesting 
 History about Peter the Headstrong and his Followers . 290 
 
 CHAP. VI. Showing the great Advantage that the Author 
 has over his Reader in time of Battle together with divers 
 portentous Movements ; which betoken that something ter- 
 rible is about to happen. ...... 299 
 
 CHAP. VII. Containing the most horrible Battle recorded in 
 Poetry or Prose ; with the admirable Exploits of Peter the 
 Headstrong 306 
 
 CHAP. VIIL In which the Author and the Reader, while 
 reposing after the Battle, fall into a very grave Discourse 
 after which is recorded the Conduct of Peter Stuyvesant 
 after his Victory . . . . . . .317 
 
 BOOK VII. 
 
 CONTAINING THE THIRD PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE 
 HEADSTRONG HIS TROUBLES WITH THE BRITISH NATION; 
 AND THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 
 
 CHAP. I. How Peter Stuyvesant relieved the Sovereign 
 People from the Burthen of taking care of the Nation- 
 with sundry Particulars of his Conduct in Time of Peace . 327 
 d 
 
XXVI CONTENTS. 
 
 Page 
 
 CHAP. II. How Peter Stuyvesant was much molested by the 
 Moss-Troopers of the East, and the Giants of Merry-land ; 
 and how a dark and horrid Conspiracy was carried on in the 
 British Cabinet against the Prosperity of the Manhattoes . 338 
 
 CHAP. Ill Of Peter Stuyvesant' s Expedition into the East 
 
 Country; showing that, though an old Bird, he did not 
 understand Trap . . . . . . . .344 
 
 CHAP. IV. How the People of New Amsterdam were thrown 
 into a great Panic, by the threatened Invasion ; and the 
 Manner in which they fortified themselves . . 354 
 
 CHAP. V. Showing how the Grand Council of the New 
 Netherlands came to be miraculously gifted with long 
 Tongues Together with a great Triumph of Economy . 357 
 
 CHAP. VI In which the Troubles of New Amsterdam ap- 
 pear to thicken Showing the Bravery, in Time of Peril, 
 of a People who defend themselves by Resolutions . . 363 
 
 CHAP. VII. Containing a doleful Disaster of Anthony the 
 Trumpeter ; and how Peter Stuyvesant, like a second 
 Cromwell, suddenly dissolved a Rump Parliament . . 372 
 
 CHAP. VIII How Peter Stuyvesant defended the City of 
 
 New Amsterdam for several days, by Dint of the Strength 
 
 of his Head 378 
 
 CHAP. IX Containing the dignified Retirement and mortal 
 
 Surrender of Peter the Headstrong . 385 
 
 CHAP. X. The Author's Reflections upon what has been 
 said 392 
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 DUTCH WEIGHT ... tO /(ICC Title. 
 
 THE DEATH OF WALTER THE DOUBTER . tO fttC6 pdff 153 
 
 THE GREAT PIPE PLOT . . 194 
 
 PHTER STUYVESANT AND THE PIG-TAIL . " 314 
 
THE , - 
 
 HISTORY OF NEW' YORK. 
 
 BOOK I. 
 
 CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PHILOSOPHIC SPECULA- 
 TIONS CONCERNING THE CREATION AND POPULATION OF THE WORLD, 
 AS CONNECTED WITH THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Description of the World. 
 
 ACCORDING to the best authorities, the world in 
 which we dwell is a huge, opaque, reflecting, inanimate 
 mass, floating in the vast ethereal ocean of infinite 
 space. It has the form of an orange, being an oblate 
 spheroid, curiously flattened at opposite parts, for the 
 insertion of two imaginary poles, which are supposed 
 to penetrate and unite at the centre ; thus forming an 
 axis, on which the mighty orange turns with a regular 
 diurnal revolution. 
 
 The transitions of light and darkness, whence pro- 
 ceed the alternations of day and night, are produced 
 by this diurnal revolution successively presenting the 
 different parts of the earth to the rays of the sun. 
 The latter is, according to the best, that is to say, the 
 latest accounts, a luminous or fiery body, of a pro- 
 B 
 
2 HISTORY OF 
 
 digious magnitude, from which this world is driven by 
 a centrifugal or repelling power, and to which it is 
 drawn by a centripetal or attractive force ; otherwise 
 called the attraction of gravitation ; the combination, 
 : pi'* -rather. 1 the -counteraction of these two opposing 
 "hnpulses producing.* a circular and annual revolution. 
 Hence result the different seasons of the year, viz. 
 sp'rifig, cun^tf'er, avtumn, and winter. 
 
 'ImV I believe to 'be the most approved modern 
 theory on the subject though there be many phi- 
 losophers who have entertained very different opinions ; 
 some too of them entitled to much deference from 
 their great antiquity and illustrious characters. Thus 
 it was advanced by some of the ancient sages, that 
 the earth was an extended plain, supported by vast 
 pillars ; and by others, that it rested on the head of a 
 snake, or the back of a huge tortoise but as they did 
 not provide a resting place for- either the pillars or the 
 tortoise, the whole theory fell to the ground, for want 
 of proper foundation. 
 
 The Brahmins assert, that the heavens rest upon 
 the earth, and the sun and moon swim therein like 
 fishes in the water, moving from east to west by day, 
 and gliding along the edge of the horizon to their 
 original stations during the night * ; while, according 
 to the Pauranicas of India, it is a vast plain, encircled 
 by seven oceans of milk, nectar, and other delicious 
 liquids ; that it is studded with seven mountains, and 
 ornamented in the centre by a mountainous rock of 
 burnished gold ; and that a great dragon occasionally 
 swallows up the moon, which accounts for the pheno- 
 mena of lunar eclipses f. 
 
 Besides these, and many other equally sage opinions, 
 we have the profound conjectures of ABOUL-HAS- 
 
 * Faria y Souza. Mick. Lus. note b. 7. 
 f Sir W. Jones, Diss. Antiq. Ind. Zod. 
 
NEW YORK. 3 
 
 SANALY, son of Al Khan, son of Aly, son of Abder- 
 rahman, son of Abdallah, son of Masoud-el-Hadheli, 
 who is commonly called MASOUDI, and surnamed 
 Cothbeddin, but who takes the humble title of La- 
 hebar-rasoul, which means the companion of the am- 
 bassador of God. He has written a universal history, 
 entitled " Mouroudge-ed-dhahrab ; or, The Golden 
 Meadows, and the Mines of precious Stones*." In 
 this valuable work he has related the history of the 
 world, from the creation down to the moment of 
 writing, which was under the Khaliphat of Mothi 
 Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 336th 
 year of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He 
 informs us that the earth is a huge bird, Mecca and 
 Medina constitute the head, Persia and India the 
 right wing, the land of Gog the left wing, and Africa 
 the tail. He informs us, moreover, that an earth has 
 existed before the present (which he considers as a 
 mere chicken of 7000 years), that it has undergone 
 divers deluges, and that, according to the opinion 
 of some well informed Brahmins of his acquaint- 
 ance, it will be renovated every seventy thousandth 
 hazarouam; each hazarouam consisting of 12,000 
 years. 
 
 These are a few of the many contradictory opinions 
 of philosophers concerning the earth, and we find 
 that the learned have had equal perplexity as to the 
 nature of the sun. Some of the ancient philosophers 
 have affirmed that it is a vast wheel of brilliant fire t ; 
 others, that it is merely a mirror or sphere of trans- 
 parent crystal J; and a third class, at the head of 
 whom stands Anaxagoras, maintained that it was 
 
 * MSS. Bibliot. Roi Fr. 
 f Pint, de Plac. Philos. lib. ii. cap. 20. 
 
 J Achill. Tat. Isag. cap. 19. Ap. Petav. t. iii. p. 81. Stob. 
 Eclog. Phjs. lib. i. p. 56. Plut. de Plac. Philos. 
 B 2 
 
4 HISTORY OF 
 
 nothing but a huge ignited mass of iron or stone 
 indeed, he declared the heavens to be merely a vault 
 of stone, and that the stars were stones whirled up- 
 wards from the earth, and set on fire by the velocity 
 of its revolutions*. But I give little attention to the 
 doctrines of this philosopher, the people of Athens 
 having fully refuted them, by banishing him from 
 their city; a concise mode of answering unwelcome 
 doctrines, much resorted to in former days. Another 
 sect of philosophers do declare, that certain fiery 
 particles exhale constantly from the earth, which, 
 concentrating in a single point of the firmament by 
 day, constitute the sun, but being scattered and 
 rambling about in the dark at night, collect in various 
 points, and form stars. These are regularly burnt 
 out and extinguished, not unlike to the lamps in our 
 streets, and require a fresh supply of exhalations for 
 the next occasion-]-. 
 
 It is even recorded, that at certain remote and 
 obscure periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of 
 fuel, the sun has been completely burnt out, and 
 sometimes not rekindled for a month at a time. A 
 most melancholy circumstance, the very idea of which 
 gave vast concern to Heraclitus, that worthy weeping 
 philosopher of antiquity. In addition to these various 
 speculations, it was the opinion of Herschel, that the 
 sun is a magnificent, habitable abode ; the light it 
 furnishes arising from certain empyreal, luminous or 
 phosphoric clouds, swimming in its transparent atmo- 
 sphere J. 
 
 But we will not enter further at present into the 
 
 * Diogenes Laertius in Anaxag. 1. ii. sec. 8. Plat. Apol. t. i. 
 p. 26. Plut. de Plac. Pliiloa. Xenoph. Mem. 1. iv. p. 815. 
 
 f Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2. Idem. Probl. sec. 15. Stob. 
 Eel. Phys. 1. i. p. 55. Bruck. Hist. Phil. t. i. p. 1154, &c. 
 
 | Philos. Trans. 1795. p. 72. Idem. 1801. p. 265. Nich. 
 Philos. Journ. i. p. 13. 
 
NEW YORK. 5 
 
 nature of the sun, that being an inquiry not imme- 
 diately necessary to the development of this history; 
 neither will we embroil ourselves in any more of the 
 endless disputes of philosophers touching the form of 
 this globe, but content ourselves with the theory 
 advanced in the beginning of this chapter, and will 
 proceed to illustrate, by experiment, the complexity of 
 motion therein ascribed to this our rotatory planet. 
 
 Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddingliead, as the 
 name may be rendered into English) was long cele- 
 brated, in the university of Leyden, for most profound 
 gravity of deportment, and his talent at going to sleep 
 in the midst of examinations ; to the infinite relief of 
 his hopeful students, who thereby worked their way 
 through college with great ease and little study. In 
 the course of one of his lectures, the learned pro- 
 fessor, seizing a bucket of water, swung it round 
 his head at arm's length ; the impulse with which 
 he threw the vessel from him being a centrifugal 
 force, the retention of his arm operating as a cen- 
 tripetal power, and the bucket, which was a sub- 
 stitute for the earth, describing a circular orbit round 
 about the globular head and ruby visage of Profes- 
 sor Von Poddingcoft, which formed no bad representa- 
 tion of the sun. All of these particulars were duly 
 explained to the class of gaping students around him. 
 He apprised them moreover, that the same principle of 
 gravitation which retained the water in the bucket 
 restrains the ocean from flying from the earth in its 
 rapid revolutions ; and he further informed them, 
 that should the motion of the earth be suddenly 
 checked, it would incontinently fall into the sun, 
 through the centripetal force of gravitation ; a most 
 ruinous event to this planet, and one which would also 
 obscure, though it most probably would not extinguish 
 the solar luminary. An unlucky stripling, one of those 
 
6 HISTORY OF 
 
 vagrant geniuses who seem sent into the world merely 
 to annoy worthy men of the pucldinghead order, de- 
 sirous of ascertaining the correctness of the experiment, 
 suddenly arrested the arm of the professor just at the 
 moment that the bucket was in its zenith, which 
 immediately descended with astonishing precision on 
 the philosophic head of the instructor of youth. A 
 hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss attended the contact, 
 but the theory was in the amplest manner illustrated, 
 for the unfortunate bucket perished in the conflict; 
 but the blazing countenance of Professor Von Pod- 
 dingcoft emerged from amidst the waters, glowing 
 fiercer than ever with unutterable indignation where- 
 by the students were marvellously edified, and departed 
 considerably wiser than before. 
 
 It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly per- 
 plexes many a pains-taking philosopher, that nature 
 often refuses to second his most profound and elabo- 
 rate efforts ; so that often, after having invented one 
 of the most ingenious and natural theories imaginable, 
 she will have the perverseness to act directly in the 
 teeth of his system, and flatly contradict his most 
 favourite positions. This is a manifest and unmerited 
 grievance, since it throws the censure of the vulgar 
 and unlearned entirely upon the philosopher ; whereas 
 the fault is not to be ascribed to his theory, which 
 is unquestionably correct, but to the waywardness of 
 dame nature, who, with the proverbial fickleness of 
 her sex, is continually indulging in coquetries and 
 caprices, and seems really to take pleasure in violating 
 all philosophic rules, and jilting the most learned and 
 indefatigable of her adorers. Thus it happened with 
 respect to the foregoing satisfactory explanation of 
 the motion of our planet ; it appears that the centri- 
 fugal force has long since ceased to operate, while its 
 antagonist remains in undiminished potency: the 
 
NEW YORK. 7 
 
 world, therefore, according to the theory as it origin- 
 ally stood, ought, in strict propriety, to tumble into 
 the sun philosophers were convinced that it would 
 do so, and awaited, in anxious impatience, the fulfil- 
 ment of their prognostics. But the untoward planet 
 pertinaciously continued her course, notwithstanding 
 that she had reason, philosophy, and a whole univer- 
 sity of learned professors opposed to her conduct. 
 The philosophers took this in very ill part, and it is 
 thought they would never have pardoned the slight 
 and affront which they conceived put upon them by 
 the world, had not a good-natured professor kindly 
 officiated as a mediator between the parties, ai^d 
 effected a reconciliation. 
 
 Finding the world would not accommodate itself to 
 the theory, he wisely determined to accommodate the 
 theory to the world : he therefore informed his brother 
 philosophers, that the circular motion of the earth 
 round the sun was no sooner engendered, by the con- 
 flicting impulses above described, than it became 
 a regular revolution, independent of the causes which 
 gave it origin. His learned brethren readily joined 
 in the opinion, being heartily glad of any explanation 
 that would decently extricate them from embarrass- 
 ment and ever since that memorable era the world 
 has been left to take her own course, and to revolve 
 around the sun in such orbit as she thinks proper. 
 
HISTORY OF 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Cosmogony, or Creation of the World ; with a Multitude of excel- 
 lent Theories, by which the Creation of a World is shown to be 
 no such difficult Matter as common Folks would imagine. 
 
 HAVING thus briefly introduced my reader to the 
 world, and given him some idea of its form and situa- 
 tion, he will naturally be curious to know from whence 
 it came, and how it was created. And indeed the 
 clearing up of these points is absolutely essential to 
 my history, inasmuch as if this world had not been 
 formed, it is more than probable, that this renowned 
 island, on which is situated the city of New York, 
 would never have had an existence. The regular 
 course of my history, therefore, requires that I should 
 proceed to notice the cosmogony or formation of this 
 our globe. 
 
 And now I give my readers fair warning, that I am 
 about to plunge for a chapter or two, into as complete 
 a labyrinth as ever historian was perplexed withal ; 
 therefore, I advise them to take fast hold of my 
 skirts, and keep close at my heels, venturing neither 
 to the right hand nor to the left, lest they get bemired 
 in a slough of untelligible learning, or have their brains 
 knocked out by some of those hard Greek names which 
 will be flying about in all directions. But should any 
 of them be too indolent or chicken-hearted to accom- 
 pany me in this perilous undertaking, they had better 
 take a short cut round, and wait for me at the begin- 
 ning of some smoother chapter. 
 
 Of the creation of the world we have a thousand 
 contradictory accounts ; and though a very satisfactory 
 one is furnished by divine revelation, yet every philo- 
 sopher feels himself in honour bound to furnish us 
 
NEW YORK. 9 
 
 with a better. As an impartial historian, I consider 
 it my duty to notice their several theories, by which 
 mankind have been so exceedingly edified and in- 
 structed. 
 
 Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, 
 that the earth and the whole system of the universe 
 was the deity himself*, a doctrine most strenuously 
 maintained by Zenophanes and the whole tribe of 
 Eleatics, as also by Strato and the sect of peripatetic 
 philosophers. Pythagoras likewise inculcated the 
 famous numerical system of the monad, dyad, and 
 try ad ; and by means of his sacred quaternary, eluci- 
 dated the formation of the world, the arcana of nature, 
 and the principles both of music and morals 1\ Other 
 sages adhered to the mathematical system of squares 
 and triangles ; the cube, the pyramid, and the sphere ; 
 the tetrahedron, the octahedron, the icosahedron, and 
 the dodecahedron J. While others advocated the 
 great elementary theory, which refers the construction 
 of our globe and all that it contains to the combina- 
 tions of four material elements, air, earth, fire, and 
 water ; with the assistance of a fifth, an immaterial 
 and vivifying principle. 
 
 Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic sys- 
 tem taught by old Moschus before the siege of Troy ; 
 revived by Democritus of laughing memory ; improved 
 by Epicurus, that king of good fellows ; and modern- 
 ised by the fanciful Descartes. But I decline inquiring 
 whether the atoms, of which the earth is said to be 
 composed, are eternal or recent ; whether they are 
 animate or inanimate ; whether, agreeably to the opi- 
 nion of Atheists, they were fortuitously aggregated ; 
 
 * Aristot. ap. Cic. lib. i. cap. 3. 
 
 j- Aristot. Metaph. lib. i. c. 5. Idem de Coelo, 1. iii. c. 1. 
 Rousseau, Mem. sur Musique Ancien. p. 39. Plutarch de Plac. 
 Philos. lib. i. cap. 3. 
 
 I Tim. Locr. ap. Plato, t. iii. p. 90. 
 
10 HISTORY OF 
 
 or, as the Theists maintain, were arranged by a su- 
 preme intelligence*. Whether, in fact, the earth be 
 an insensate clod, or whether it be animated by a 
 soul t ; which opinion was strenuously maintained by 
 a host of philosophers, at the head of whom stands the 
 great Plato, that temperate sage, who threw the cold 
 water of philosophy on the form of sexual intercourse, 
 and inculcated the doctrine of Platonic love an 
 exquisitely refined intercourse, but much better adapted 
 to the ideal inhabitants of his imaginary island of 
 Atlantis than to the sturdy race, composed of rebel- 
 lious flesh and blood, which populates the little matter 
 of fact island we inhabit. 
 
 Besides these systems, we have, moreover, the 
 poetical theogony of old Hesiod, who generated the 
 whole universe in the regular mode of procreation, 
 and the plausible opinion of others, that the earth 
 was hatched from the great egg of night, which 
 floated in chaos, and was cracked by the horns of the 
 celestial bull. To illustrate this last doctrine, Burnet, 
 in his theory of the earth J, has favoured us with an 
 accurate drawing and description, both of the form 
 and texture of this mundane egg, which is found to 
 bear a near resemblance to that of a goose. Such of 
 my readers as take a proper interest in the origin of 
 this our planet will be pleased to learn, that the most 
 profound sages of antiquity, among the Egyptians, 
 Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks, and Latins, have alter- 
 nately assisted at the hatching of this strange bird ; 
 and that their cacklings have been caught, and con- 
 
 * Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. ii. cap. 6. Aristoph. Metaph. lib. i. 
 cap. 3. Cic. de Nat. Deor. lib. i. cap. 10. Justin Mart. Orat. ad 
 Gent. p. 20. 
 
 f- Mosheim in Cudw. lib. i. cap. 4. Tim. de Anim. Mund. ap. 
 Plat. lib. iii. Me"m. de 1'Acad. des Belles Lettres, t. xxxii. p. 19, 
 et al. 
 
 J Book i. ch. 5. 
 
NEW YORK. 11 
 
 tinned, in different tones and inflections, from philo- 
 sopher to philosopher, unto the present day. 
 
 But while briefly noticing long celebrated systems 
 of ancient sages, let me not pass over, with neglect, 
 those of other philosophers, which, though less 
 universal than renowned, have equal claims to atten- 
 tion, and equal chance for correctness. Thus it is 
 recorded by the Brahmins, in the pages of their 
 inspired Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo transformed 
 himself into a great boar, plunged into the watery 
 abyss, and brought up the earth on his tusks. Then 
 issued from him a mighty tortoise, and a mighty 
 snake ; and Bistnoo placed the snake erect upon the 
 back of the tortoise, and he placed the earth upon 
 the head of the snake *. 
 
 The negro philosophers of Congo affirm, that the 
 worid \-as made by the hands of angels, excepting 
 their own country, which the Supreme Being con- 
 structed himself, that it might be supremely excellent. 
 And he took great pains with the inhabitants, and 
 made them very black and beautiful ; and when he 
 had finished the first man, he was well pleased with 
 him, and smoothed him over the face, and hence his 
 nose, and the noses of all his descendants, became flat. 
 
 The Mohawk philosophers tell us, that a pregnant 
 woman fell down from heaven, and that a tortoise 
 took her upon its back, because every place was 
 covered with water ; and, that the woman, sitting 
 upon the tortoise, paddled with her hands in the 
 water, and raked up the earth, whence it finally 
 happened that the earth became higher than the 
 water f. 
 
 But I forbear to quote a number more of these 
 
 * Holwell, Gent. Philosophy. 
 
 f" Johannes Mcgapolensis, jun. Account of Maquaas or Mohawk 
 Indians, 1644. 
 
12 HISTORY OF 
 
 ancient and outlandish philosophers, whose deplorable 
 ignorance, in despite of all their erudition, compelled 
 them to write in languages which but few of my 
 readers can understand ; and I shall proceed briefly 
 to notice a few more intelligible and fashionable 
 theories of their modern successors. 
 
 And first I shall mention the great Buffon, who 
 conjectures that this globe was originally a globe of 
 liquid fire, scintillated from the body of the sun, by 
 the percussion of a comet, as a spark is generated by 
 the collision of flint and steel. That at first it was 
 surrounded by gross vapours, which cooling and 
 condensing in process of time, constituted, according 
 to their densities, earth, water, and air ; which gradu- 
 ally arranged themselves, according to their respective 
 gravities, round the burning or vitrified mass that 
 formed their centre. 
 
 Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters 
 at first were universally paramount ; and he terrifies 
 himself with the idea that the earth must be eventu- 
 ally washed away by the force of rain, rivers, and 
 mountain torrents, until it is confounded with the 
 ocean, or, in other words, absolutely dissolves into 
 itself. Sublime idea ! far surpassing that of the 
 tender-hearted damsel of antiquity, who wept herself 
 into a fountain ; or the good dame of Narbonne in 
 France, who, for a volubility of tongue unusual in 
 her sex, was doomed to peel five hundred thousand 
 and thirty-nine ropes of onions, and actually ran out 
 at her eyes before half the hideous task was accom- 
 plished. 
 
 Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who 
 rivalled Ditton in his researches after the longitude 
 (for which the mischief-loving Swift discharged on 
 their heads a most savoury stanza), has distinguished 
 himself by a very admirable theory respecting the 
 
NEW YORK. 13 
 
 earth. He conjectures that it was originally a chaotic 
 comet, which, being selected for the abode of man, 
 was removed from its eccentric orbit, and whirled 
 round the sun in its present regular motion ; by 
 which change of direction, order succeeded to con- 
 fusion in the arrangement of its component parts. 
 The philosopher adds, that the deluge was produced 
 by an uncourteous salute from the watery tail of 
 another comet, doubtless through sheer envy of its 
 improved condition, thus furnishing a melancholy 
 proof that jealousy may prevail even among the 
 heavenly bodies, and discord interrupt that celestial 
 harmony of the spheres, so melodiously sung by the 
 poets. 
 
 But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, 
 among which are those of Burnet, and Woodward, 
 and Whitehurst ; regretting extremely that my time 
 will not suffer me to give them the notice they 
 deserve, and shall conclude with that of the renowned 
 Dr. Darwin. This learned Theban, who is as much 
 distinguished for rhyme as reason, and for good- 
 natured credulity as serious research, and who has 
 recommended himself wonderfully to the good graces 
 of the ladies, by letting them into all the gallantries, 
 amours, debaucheries, and other topics of scandal of 
 the court of Flora, has fallen upon a theory worthy 
 of his combustible imagination. According to his 
 opinion, the huge mass of chaos took a sudden occa- 
 sion to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and, in 
 that act, exploded the sun which, in its flight, by a 
 similar convulsion exploded the earth which in like 
 guise exploded the moon and thus, by a concatena- 
 tion of explosions, the whole solar system was pro- 
 duced, and set most systematically in motion *. 
 
 By the great variety of theories here alluded to, 
 * Darw. Bot. Garden, Part I. Cant.i. 1. 105. 
 
14 HISTORY OF 
 
 every one of which, if thoroughly examined, will be 
 found surprisingly consistent in all its parts, my un- 
 learned readers will perhaps be led to conclude, that 
 the creation of a world is not so difficult a task as 
 they at first imagined. I have shown at least a score 
 of ingenious methods in which a world could be con- 
 structed ; and, I have no doubt, that had any of the 
 philosophers above quoted the use of a good manage- 
 able comet, and the philosophical warehouse, chaos, 
 at his command, he would engage to manufacture a 
 planet as good, or, if you would take his word for it, 
 better than this we inhabit. 
 
 And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of 
 providence, in creating comets for the great relief of 
 bewildered philosophers. By their assistance more 
 sudden evolutions and transitions are effected in the 
 system of nature, than are wrought in a pantomimic 
 exhibition, by the wonder-working sword of harlequin. 
 Should one of our modern sages, in his theoretical 
 flights among the stars, ever find himself lost in the 
 clouds, and in danger of tumbling into the abyss of 
 nonsense and absurdity, he has but to seize a comet 
 by the beard, mount astride of its tail, and away he 
 gallops in triumph, like an enchanter on his hippo- 
 griff, or a Connecticut witch on her broomstick, " to 
 sweep the cobwebs out of the sky." 
 
 It is an old and vulgar saying, about a " beggar on 
 horseback," which I would not for the world have 
 applied to these reverend philosophers : but I must 
 confess, that some of them, when they are mounted 
 on one of those fiery steeds, are as wild in their cur- 
 vettings as was Phaeton of yore, when he aspired to 
 manage the chariot of Phoebus. One drives his 
 comet at full speed against the sun, and knocks 
 the world out of him with the mighty concussion ; 
 another, more moderate, makes his comet a kind of 
 
NEW YORK. 15 
 
 beast of burden, carrying the sun a regular supply of 
 food and faggots ; a third, of more combustible dis- 
 position, threatens to throw his comet, like a bomb- 
 shell, into the world, and blow it up like a powder 
 magazine ; while a fourth, with no great delicacy to 
 this planet and its inhabitants, insinuates that some 
 day or other his comet my modest pen blushes 
 while I write it shall absolutely turn tail upon our 
 world and deluge it with water I Surely, as I have 
 already observed, comets were bountifully provided 
 by providence for the benefit of philosophers, to assist 
 them in manufacturing theories. 
 
 And now, having adduced several of the most pro- 
 minent theories that occur to my recollection, I leave 
 my judicious readers at full liberty to choose among 
 them. They are all serious speculations of learned 
 men all differ essentially from each other and all 
 have the same title to belief. It has ever been the 
 task of one race of philosophers to demolish the works 
 of their predecessors, and elevate more splendid fan- 
 tasies in their stead, which, in their turn, are demo- 
 lished and replaced by the air-castles of a succeeding 
 generation. Thus it would seem that knowledge and 
 genius, of which we make such great parade, consist 
 but in detecting the errors and absurdities of those 
 who have gone before, and devising new errors and 
 absurdities, to be detected by those who are to come 
 after us. Theories are the mighty soap-bubbles with 
 which the grown-up children of science amuse them- 
 selves ; while the honest vulgar stand gazing in stupid 
 admiration, and dignify these learned vagaries with 
 the name of wisdom I Surely Socrates was right in 
 his opinion, that philosophers are but a soberer sort 
 of madmen, busying themselves in things totally in- 
 comprehensible, or which, if they could be compre- 
 hended, would be found not worthy the trouble of 
 discovery. 
 
16 HISTORY OF 
 
 For my own part, until the learned have come 
 to an agreement among themselves, I shall content 
 myself with the account handed down to us by Moses; 
 in which I do but follow the example of our ingenious 
 neighbours of Connecticut, who at their first settle- 
 ment proclaimed, that the colony should be governed 
 by the laws of God until they had time to make 
 better. 
 
 One thing however appears certain from the una- 
 nimous authority of the before quoted philosophers, 
 supported by the evidence of our own senses (which, 
 though very apt to deceive us, may be cautiously 
 admitted as additional testimony), it appears, I say, 
 and I make the assertion deliberately, without fear of 
 contradiction, that this globe really was created, and 
 that it is composed of land and water. It further 
 appears that it is curiously divided and parcelled out 
 into continents and islands, among which, I boldly 
 declare the renowned ISLAND OF NEW YORK will be 
 found by any one who seeks for it in its proper place. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 How far that famous Navigator, Noah, was shamefully nicknamed; 
 and how he committed an unpardonable Oversight in not having 
 Four Sons : with the great Trouble of Philosophers caused 
 thereby, and the Discovery of America. 
 
 NOAH, who is the first seafaring man we read of, 
 begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. Authors, 
 it is true, are not wanting, who affirm that the pa- 
 triarch had a number of other children. Thus Berosus 
 makes him father of the gigantic Titans, Methodius 
 gives him a son called Jonithus, or Jonicus (who was 
 the first inventor of Johnny cakes), and others have 
 mentioned a son named Thuiscon, from whom de- 
 
NEW YORK. 17 
 
 scended the Teutons or Teutonic, or in other words 
 the Dutch nation. 
 
 I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan 
 will not permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity of 
 my readers, by investigating minutely the history of 
 the great Noah. Indeed such an undertaking would 
 be attended with more trouble than many people 
 would imagine ; for the good old patriarch seems to 
 have been a great traveller in his day. and to have 
 passed under a different name in every country that 
 he visited. The Chaldeans for instance give us his 
 story, merely altering his name into Xisuthrus a 
 trivial alteration, which, to an historian skilled in 
 etymologies, will appear wholly unimportant. It 
 appears likewise, that he had exchanged his tar- 
 pawling and quadrant, among the Chaldeans, for the 
 gorgeous insignia of royalty, and appears as a monarch 
 in their annals. The Egyptians celebrate him under 
 the name of Osiris ; the Indians as Menu; the Greek 
 and Roman writers confound him with Ogyges, and 
 the Theban with Deucalion and Saturn. But the 
 Chinese, who deservedly rank among the most ex- 
 tensive and authentic historians, inasmuch as they 
 have known the world much longer than any one 
 else, declare that Noah was no other than Fohi ; and 
 what gives this assertion some air of credibility is, 
 that it is a fact, admitted by the most enlightened 
 literati, that Noah travelled into China, at the time 
 of the building of the tower of Babel (probably to 
 improve himself in the study of languages), and the 
 learned Dr. Shuckford gives us the additional in- 
 formation, that the ark rested on a mountain on the 
 frontiers of China. 
 
 From this mass of rational conjectures and sage 
 
 hypotheses many satisfactory deductions might be 
 
 drawn; but I shall content myself with the simple 
 
 fact stated in the Bible, viz. that Noah begat three 
 
 c 
 
18 HISTORY OF 
 
 sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. It is astonishing on 
 what remote and obscure contingencies the great 
 affairs of this world depend, and how events the most 
 distant and, to the common observer, unconnected, 
 are inevitably consequent the one to the other. It 
 remains to the philosopher to discover these mys- 
 terious affinities, and is the proudest triumph of his 
 skill to detect and drag forth some latent chain of 
 causation, which at first sight appears a paradox to 
 the inexperienced observer. Thus many of my readers 
 will doubtless wonder, what connexion the family of 
 Noah can possibly have with this history and many 
 will stare when informed that the whole history of 
 this quarter of the world has taken its character and 
 course, from the simple circumstance of the patriarch's 
 having but three sons but to explain. 
 
 Noah, we are told by sundry very credible his- 
 torians, becoming sole surviving heir and proprietor 
 of the earth, in fee simple, after the deluge, like a 
 good father, portioned out his estate among his chil- 
 dren. To Shem he gave Asia, to Ham Africa, and 
 to Japhet Europe. Now it is a thousand times to be 
 lamented that he had but three sons, for had there 
 been a fourth, he would doubtless have inherited 
 America : which of course would have been dragged 
 forth from its obscurity on the occasion ; and thus 
 many a hard-working historian and philosopher would 
 have been spared a prodigious mass of weary con- 
 jecture, respecting the first discovery and population 
 of this country. Noah, however, having provided for 
 his three sons, looked, in all probability, upon our 
 country as mere wild, unsettled land, and said nothing 
 about it, and to this unpardonable taciturnity of the 
 patriarch may be ascribed the misfortune, that Ame- 
 rica did not come into the world as early as the other 
 quarters of the globe. 
 
 It is true, some writers have vindicated him from 
 
NEW YORK. 19 
 
 this misconduct towards posterity, and asserted that 
 he really did discover America. Thus it was the 
 opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a French writer, pos- 
 sessed of that ponderosity of thought, and profound- 
 ness of reflection, so peculiar to his nation, that the 
 immediate descendants of Noah peopled this quarter 
 of the globe, and that the old patriarch himself, who 
 still retained a passion for the seafaring life, superin- 
 tended the transmigration. The pious and enlight- 
 ened father Charlevoix, a French Jesuit, remarkable 
 for his aversion to the marvellous, common to all 
 great travellers, is conclusively of the same opinion ; 
 nay, he goes still further, and decides upon the man- 
 ner in which the discovery was effected, which was by 
 sea, and under the immediate direction of the great 
 Noah. " I have already observed," exclaims the 
 good father in a tone of becoming indignation, " that 
 it is an arbitrary supposition that the grandchildren 
 of Noah were not able to penetrate into the new world, 
 or that they never thought of it. In effect, I can see no 
 reason that can justify such a notion. Who can seri- 
 ously believe, that Noah and his immediate descendants 
 knew less than we do, and that the builder and pilot 
 of the greatest ship that ever was, a ship which was 
 formed to traverse an unbounded ocean, and had so 
 many shoals and quicksands to guard against, should 
 be ignorant of, or should not have communicated to 
 his descendants, the art of sailing on the ocean ? 
 Therefore they did sail on the ocean therefore they 
 sailed to America therefore America was discovered 
 by Noah!" 
 
 Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is 
 so strikingly characteristic of the good father, being 
 addressed to the faith, rather than to the understand- 
 ing, is flatly opposed by Hans de Laet, who declares 
 it a real and most ridiculous paradox, to suppose that 
 c 2 
 
20 HISTORY OF 
 
 Noah ever entertained the thought of discovering 
 America ; and as Hans is a Dutch writer, I am 
 inclined to believe he must have been much better 
 acquainted with the worthy crew of the ark than his 
 competitors, and of course possessed of more accurate 
 sources of information. It is astonishing how inti- 
 mate historians do daily become with the patriarchs 
 and other great men of antiquity. As intimacy 
 improves with time, and as the learned are particu- 
 larly inquisitive and familiar in their acquaintance 
 with the ancients, I should not be surprised, if some 
 future writers should gravely give us a picture of men 
 and manners as they existed before the flood, far 
 more copious and accurate than the Bible ; and that, 
 in the course of another century, the log-book of the 
 good Noah should be as current among historians, as 
 the voyages of Captain Cook, or the renowned history 
 of Robinson Crusoe. 
 
 I shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge 
 mass of additional suppositions, conjectures, and pro- 
 babilities respecting the first discovery of this country, 
 with which unhappy historians overload themselves, 
 in their endeavours to satisfy the doubts of an incre- 
 dulous world. It is painful to see these laborious 
 wights panting and toiling and sweating under an 
 enormous burden, at the very outset of their works, 
 which, on being opened, turns out to be nothing but 
 a mighty bundle of straw. As, however, by unwea- 
 ried assiduity, they seem to have established the fact, 
 to the satisfaction of all the world, that this country 
 lias been discovered, I shall avail myself of their useful 
 labours to be extremely brief upon this point. 
 
 I shall not stop, therefore, to inquire, whether Ame- 
 rica was first discovered by a wandering vessel of that 
 celebrated Phoenician fleet, which, according to Hero- 
 dotus, circumnavigated Africa ; or by that Cartha- 
 
NEW YORK. 21 
 
 glnian expedition, which Pliny, the naturalist, informs 
 us, discovered the Canary Islands ; or whether it was 
 settled by a temporary colony from Tyre, as hinted 
 by Aristotle and Seneca. I shall neither inquire 
 whether it was first discovered by the Chinese, as 
 Voscius with great shrewdness advances, nor by the 
 Norwegians in 1002, under Biorn; nor by Behem, 
 the German navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeavoured 
 to prove to the sgavans of the learned city of Phila- 
 delphia. 
 
 Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims of 
 the Welsh, founded on the voyage of Prince Madoc 
 in the eleventh century, who having never returned, 
 it has since been wisely concluded that he must have 
 gone to America, and that for a plain reason if he 
 did not go there, where else could he have gone ? 
 a question which, most Socratically, shuts out all 
 further dispute. 
 
 Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures above- 
 mentioned, with a multitude of others, equally satis- 
 factory, I shall take for granted the vulgar opinion, 
 that America was discovered on the 12th of October, 
 1492, by Christovallo Colon, a Genoese, who has 
 been clumsily nicknamed Columbus, but for what 
 reason I cannot discern. Of the voyages and adven- 
 tures of this Colon, I shall say nothing, seeing that 
 they are already sufficiently known. Nor shall 1 
 undertake to prove that this country should have been 
 called Colonia, after his name, that being notoriously 
 self-evident. 
 
 Having thus happily got my readers on this side of 
 the Atlantic, I picture them to myself, all impatience 
 to enter upon the enjoyment of the land of promise, 
 and in full expectation that I will immediately deliver 
 it into their possession. But if I do, may I ever for- 
 feit the reputation of a regular bred historian. No 
 
22 HISTORY OF 
 
 no most curious and thrice learned readers (for 
 thrice learned ye are if ye have read all that has gone 
 before, and nine times learned shall ye be if ye read 
 that comes after), we have yet a world of work before 
 us. Think you the first discoverers of this fair 
 quarter of the globe had nothing to do but go on 
 shore and find a country ready laid out and cultivated 
 like a garden, wherein they might revel at their ease ? 
 No such thing they had forests to cut down, under- 
 wood to grub up, marshes to drain, and savages to 
 exterminate. 
 
 In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear 
 away, questions to resolve, and paradoxes to explain, 
 before I permit you to range at random ; but these 
 difficulties once overcome, we shall be enabled to jog 
 on right merrily through the rest of our history. 
 Thus my work shall, in a manner, echo the nature 
 of the subject, in the same manner as the sound of 
 poetry has been found by certain shrewd critics, to 
 echo the sense this being an improvement in history, 
 which I claim the merit of having invented. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Showing the great Difficulty Philosophers have had in peopling 
 America and how the Aborigines came to be begotten by Acci- 
 dent, to the great Relief and Satisfaction of the Author. 
 
 THE next inquiry at which we arrive in the regular 
 course of our history, is to ascertain, if possible, how 
 this country was originally peopled ; a point fruitful 
 of incredible embarrassments ; for unless we prove 
 that the aborigines did absolutely come from some- 
 where, it will be immediately asserted in this age of 
 
NEW YORK. 23 
 
 scepticism, that they did not come at all ; and if they 
 did not come at all, then was this country never 
 populated a conclusion perfectly agreeable to the 
 rules of logic, but wholly irreconcilable to every feel- 
 ing of humanity, inasmuch as it must syllogistically 
 prove fatal to the innumerable aborigines of this 
 populous region. 
 
 To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from 
 logical annihilation so many millions of fellow-crea- 
 tures, how many wings of geese have been plundered ! 
 what oceans of ink have been benevolently drained ! 
 and how many capacious heads of learned historians 
 have been addled and for ever confounded ! I pause 
 with reverential awe, when I contemplate the pon- 
 derous tomes in different languages, with which they 
 have endeavoured to solve this question, so important 
 to the happiness of society, but so involved in clouds of 
 impenetrable obscurity. Historian after historian has 
 engaged in the endless circle of hypothetical argu- 
 ment, and after leading us a weary chase through 
 octavos, quartos, and folios, has let us out, at the end 
 of his work, just as wise as we were at the beginning. 
 It was doubtless some philosophical wild-goose chase 
 of the kind, that made the old poet Macrobius rail in 
 such a passion at curiosity, which he anathematises 
 most heartily as " an irksome, agonising care, a su- 
 perstitious industry about unprofitable things, an 
 itching humour to see what is not to be seen, and to 
 be doing what signifies nothing when it is done." 
 But to proceed : 
 
 Of the claims of the children of Noah to the ori- 
 ginal population of this country I shall say nothing, 
 as they have Already been touched upon in my last 
 chapter. The claimants next in celebrity are the 
 descendants of Abraham. Thus Christ-oval Colon 
 (vulgarly called Columbus), when he first discovered 
 
24 HISTORY OF 
 
 the gold mines of Hispaniola, immediately concluded, 
 with a shrewdness that would have done honour to 
 a philosopher, that he had found the 'ancient Ophir, 
 from whence Solomon procured the gold for embel- 
 lishing the temple at Jerusalem : nay, Colon even 
 imagined that he saw the remains of furnaces of 
 veritable Hebraic construction, employed in refining 
 the precious ore. 
 
 So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fasci- 
 nating extravagance, was too tempting not to be 
 immediately snapped at by the gudgeons of learning ; 
 and accordingly, there were divers profound writers, 
 ready to swear to its correctness, and to bring in 
 their usual load of authorities and wise surmises, 
 wherewithal to prop it up. Vatablus and Robertus 
 Stephens declared nothing could be more clear: Arius 
 Montanus, without the least hesitation, asserts that 
 Mexico was the true Ophir, and the Jews the early 
 settlers of the country ; while Possevin, Becan, and 
 several other sagacious writers, lug in a supposed 
 prophecy of the fourth book of Esdras, which being 
 inserted in the mighty hypothesis, like the key-stone 
 of an arch, gives it, in their opinion, perpetual dura- 
 bility. 
 
 Scarce, however, have they completed their goodly 
 superstructure when in trudges a phalanx of opposite 
 authors, with Hans de Laet, the great Dutchman, at 
 their head ; and at one blow tumbles the whole fabric 
 about their ears. Hans, in fact, contradicts outright 
 all the Israelitish claims to the first settlement of this 
 country, attributing all those equivocal symptoms, 
 and traces of Christianity and Judaism, which have 
 been said to be found in divers provinces of the New 
 World, to the Devil, who has always affected to 
 counterfeit the worship of the true Deity. " A 
 remark/' says the knowing old Padre d'Acosta, 
 
NEW YORK. 25 
 
 " made by all good authors who have spoken of the 
 religion of nations newly discovered, and founded 
 besides on the authority of the fathers of the church." 
 
 Some writers again, among whom it is with great 
 regret I am compelled to mention Lopez de Gomara 
 and Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Canaanites, 
 being driven from the land of promise by the Jews, 
 were seized with such a panic that they fled, without 
 looking behind them, until, stopping to take breath, 
 they found themselves safe in America. As they 
 brought neither their national language, manners, 
 nor features with them, it is supposed they left them 
 behind in the hurry of their flight. I cannot give 
 my faith to this opinion. 
 
 I pass over the supposition of the learned Grotius, 
 who being both an ambassador and a Dutchman to 
 boot, is entitled to great respect, that North America 
 was peopled by a strolling company of Norwegians, 
 and that Peru was founded by a colony from China 
 Manco, or Mungo Capac, the first Incas, being him- 
 self a Chinese. Nor shall I more than barely mention, 
 that father Kircher ascribes the settlement of America 
 to the Egyptians, Budbeck to the Scandinavians, 
 Charron to the Gauls, Juffredus Petri to a skaiting 
 party from Friesland, Milius to the Celtae, Marinocus 
 the Sicilian to the Romans, Le Comte to the Phoeni- 
 cians, Postel to the Moors, Martin d'Angleria to the 
 Abyssinians, together with the sage surmise of De 
 Laet, that England, Ireland, and the Orcades may 
 contend for that honour. 
 
 Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit to 
 the idea that America is the fairy region of Zipangri, 
 described by that dreaming traveller Marco Polo the 
 Venetian ; or that it comprises the visionary island of 
 Atlantis, described by Plato. Neither will I stop to 
 investigate the heathenish assertion of Paracelsus, 
 
26 HISTORY OF 
 
 that each hemisphere of the globe was originally fur- 
 nished with an Adam and Eve ; or the more flattering 
 opinion of Dr. Romayne, supported by many nameless 
 authorities, that Adam was of the Indian race ; or the 
 startling conjecture of Buffon, Helvetius, and Darwin, 
 so highly honourable to mankind, that the whole 
 human species is accidentally descended from a re- 
 markable family of the monkeys ! 
 
 This last conjecture, I must own, came upon me 
 very suddenly and very ungraciously. I have often 
 beheld the clown in a pantomime, while gazing in 
 stupid wonder at the extravagant gambols of a harle- 
 quin, all at once electrified by a sudden stroke of the 
 wooden sword across his shoulders. Little did I 
 think at such times that it would ever fall to my lot 
 to be treated with equal discourtesy, and that while I 
 was quietly beholding these grave philosophers emu- 
 lating the eccentric transformations of the hero of 
 pantomime, they would on a sudden turn upon me 
 and my readers, and with one hypothetical flourish 
 metamorphose us into beasts ! I determined from that 
 moment not to burn my fingers with any more of 
 their theories, but content myself with detailing the 
 different methods by which they transported the 
 descendants of these ancient and respectable monkeys, 
 to this great field of theoretical warfare. 
 
 This was done either by migrations by land or 
 transmigrations by water. Thus Padre Joseph d* 
 Acosta enumerates three passages by land, first by 
 the north of Europe, secondly by the north of Asia, 
 and, thirdly, by regions southward of the straits of 
 Magellan. The learned Grotius marches his Norwe- 
 gians by a pleasant route across frozen rivers and 
 arms of the sea, through Iceland, Greenland, Estoti- 
 land, and Naremberga. And various writers, among 
 whom are Angleria, De Hornn, and Buffon, anxious 
 
NEW YORK. 27 
 
 for the accommodation of these travellers, have fas- 
 tened the two continents together by a strong chain 
 of deductions by which means they could pass over 
 dryshod. But should even this fail, Pinkerton, that 
 industrious old gentleman, who compiles books, and 
 manufactures geographies, has constructed a natural 
 bridge of ice, from continent to continent, at the dis- 
 tance of four or five miles from Behring's straits, for 
 which he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all the 
 wandering aborigines who ever did or ever will pass 
 over it. 
 
 It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of the 
 worthy writers above quoted, could ever commence 
 his work, without immediately declaring hostilities 
 against every writer who had treated of the same 
 subject. In this particular, authors maybe compared 
 to a certain sagacious bird, which in building its nest 
 is sure to pull to pieces the nests of all the birds 
 in its neighbourhood. This unhappy propensity tends 
 grievously to impede the progress of sound knowledge. 
 Theories are at best but brittle productions, and when 
 once committed to the stream, they should take care 
 that like the notable pots which were fellow voyagers, 
 they do not crack each other. 
 
 For my part, when I beheld the sages I have quoted 
 gravely accounting for unaccountable things, and 
 discoursing thus wisely about matters for ever hidden 
 from their eyes, like a blind man describing the glories 
 of light, and the beauty and harmony of colours, I fell 
 back in astonishment at the amazing extent of human 
 ingenuity. 
 
 If, cried I to myself, these learned men can weave 
 whole systems out of nothing, what would be their 
 productions were they furnished with substantial mate- 
 rials if they can argue and dispute thus ingeniously 
 about subjects beyond their knowledge, what would 
 
28 HISTORY OF 
 
 be the profundity of their observations, did they but 
 know what they were talking about ! Should old 
 Rhadamanthus, when he comes to decide upon their 
 conduct while on earth, have the least idea of the 
 usefulness^" their labours, he will undoubtedly class 
 them withrhose notorious wise men of Gotham, who 
 milked a bull, twisted a rope of sand, and wove a 
 velvet purse from a sow's ear. 
 
 My chief surprise is, that among the many writers 
 I have noticed, no one has attempted to prove that 
 this country was peopled from the moon or that the 
 first inhabitants floated hither on islands of ice, as 
 white bears cruise about the northern oceans or that 
 they were conveyed hither by balloons, as modern 
 aeronauts pass from Dover to Calais or by witchcraft, 
 as Simon Magus posted among the stars or after the 
 manner of the renowned Scythian Abaris, who, like 
 the New England witches on full-blooded broomsticks 
 made most unheard-of journeys on the back of a 
 golden arrow, given him by the Hyperborean Apollo. 
 
 But there is still one mode left by which this coun- 
 try could have been peopled, which I have reserved 
 for the last, because I consider it worth all the rest ; it 
 is by accident ! Speaking of the islands of Solomon, 
 New Guinea, and New Holland, the profound father 
 Charlevoix observes, " in fine, all these countries are 
 peopled, and it is possible, some have been so by acci- 
 dent. Now if it could have happened in that manner, 
 why might it not have been at the same time, and by 
 the same means, with the other parts of the globe ?" 
 This ingenious mode of deducing certain conclusions 
 from possible premises, is an improvement in syllo- 
 gistic skill, and proves the good father superior even 
 to Archimedes, for he can turn the world without any 
 thing to rest his lever upon. It is only surpassed by 
 the dexterity with which the sturdy old Jesuit, in 
 
NEW YORK. 29 
 
 another place cuts the gordian knot " Nothing-," 
 says he, " is more easy. The inhabitants of both 
 hemispheres are certainly the decendants of the same 
 father. The common father of mankind received an 
 express order from Heaven to people the world, and 
 accordingly it has been peopled. To bring- this about 
 it was necessary to overcome all difficulties in the 
 way, and they have also been overcome ! " Pious 
 logician ! How does he put all the herd of laborious 
 theorists to the blush, by explaining in five words, 
 what it has cost them volumes to prove they knew 
 nothing about ! 
 
 They have long been picking at the lock, and fret- 
 ting at the latch, but the honest father at once unlocks 
 the door by bursting it open, and when he has it once 
 ajar, he is at full liberty to pour in as many nations 
 as he pleases. This proves to a demonstration that a 
 little piety is better than a cart-load of philosophy, 
 and is a practical illustration of that scriptural pro- 
 mise " By faith ye shall move mountains." 
 
 From all the authorities here quoted, and a variety 
 of others which I have consulted, but which are 
 omitted through fear of fatiguing the unlearned reader 
 I can only draw the following conclusions, which, 
 luckily however, are sufficient for my purpose first, 
 that this part of the world has actually been peopled 
 (Q. E. D.) : to support which we have living proofs 
 in the numerous tribes of Indians that inhabit it. Se- 
 condly, that it has been peopled in five hundred differ- 
 ent ways, as proved by a cloud of authors, who from 
 the positiveness of their assertions, seem to have been 
 eye-witnesses to the fact. Thirdly, that the people of 
 this country had a variety of fathers, which as it may 
 not be thought much to their credit by the common 
 run of readers, the less we say on the subject the 
 better. The question, therefore, I trust, is for ever 
 at rest. 
 
30 HISTORY OF 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 In which the Author puts a mighty Question to the Rout, by the 
 Assistance of the Man in the Moon which not only delivers 
 Thousands of People from great Embarrassment, but likewise 
 concludes this Introductory Book. 
 
 THE writer of a history may, in some respects, be 
 likened unto an adventurous knight, who having 
 undertaken a perilous enterprise by way of establish- 
 ing his fame, feels bound in honour and chivalry to 
 turn back for no difficulty nor hardship, and never to 
 shrink or quail, whatever enemy he may encounter. 
 Under this impression, I resolutely draw my pen, and 
 fall to with might and main, at those doughty ques- 
 tions and subtle paradoxes, which, like fiery dragons 
 and bloody giants, beset the entrance to my history, 
 and would fain repulse me from the very threshold. 
 And at this moment a gigantic question has started 
 up, which I must needs take by the beard and utterly 
 subdue, before I can advance another step in my his- 
 toric undertaking but I trust this will be the last 
 adversary I shall have to contend with, and that in 
 the next book I shall be enabled to conduct my readers 
 in triumph into the body of my work. 
 
 The question which has thus suddenly arisen, is, 
 What right had the first discoverers of America to 
 land and take possession of a country, without first 
 gaining the consent of its inhabitants, or yielding them 
 an adequate compensation for their territory? a 
 question which has withstood many fierce assaults, 
 and has given much distress of mind to multitudes of 
 kind-hearted folks. And indeed, until it be totally 
 vanquished, and put to rest, the worthy people of 
 America can by no means enjoy the soil they inhabit, 
 with clear right and title, and quiet, unsullied con- 
 sciences. 
 
NEW YORK. 31 
 
 The first source of right, by which property is ac- 
 quired in a country, is DISCOVERY. For as all 
 mankind have an equal right to any thing, which has 
 never before been appropriated ; so any nation, that 
 discovers an uninhabited country, and takes possession 
 thereof, is considered as enjoying full property, and 
 absolute, unquestionable empire therein*. 
 
 This proposition being admitted, it follows clearly, 
 that the Europeans who first visited America, were 
 the real discoverers of the same ; nothing being ne- 
 cessary to the establishment of the fact, but simply to 
 prove that it was totally uninhabited by man. This 
 would at first appear to be a point of some difficulty, 
 for it is well known, that this quarter of the world 
 abounded with certain animals, that walked erect on 
 two feet ; had something of the human countenance ; 
 uttered certain unintelligible sounds, very much like 
 language ; in short, had a marvellous resemblance to 
 human beings. But the zealous and enlightened 
 fathers, who accompanied the discoverers, for the 
 purpose of promoting the kingdom of heaven, by es- 
 tablishing fat monasteries and bishoprics on earth, 
 soon cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfaction 
 of his holiness the pope, and of all Christian voyagers 
 and discoverers. 
 
 They plainly proved, and as there were no Indian 
 writers arose on the other side, the fact was consi- 
 dered as fully admitted and established, that the two- 
 legged race of animals before mentioned were mere 
 cannibals, detestable monsters, and many of them 
 giants ; which last description of vagrants have, since 
 the times of Gog. Magog, and Goliah, been considered 
 as outlaws, and have received no quarter in either 
 history, chivalry, or song. Indeed, even the philo- 
 
 * Grotius. Puffendorf, b. v. c. 4. Vattel, b. i. c. 18, &c. 
 
32 HISTORY OF 
 
 sophic Bacon declared the Americans to be people 
 proscribed by the laws of nature, inasmuch as they 
 had a barbarous custom of sacrificing men, and feeding 
 upon man's flesh. 
 
 Nor are these all the proofs of their utter barbarism : 
 among many other writers of discernment, Ulloa tells 
 us, " their imbecility is so visible that one can hardly 
 form an idea of them different from what one has of 
 the brutes. Nothing disturbs the tranquillity of their 
 souls, equally insensible to disasters and to prosperity. 
 Though half naked, they are as contented as a mo- 
 narch in his most splendid array. Fear makes no 
 impression on them, and respect as little." All this 
 is furthermore supported by the authority of M. 
 Bouguer. " It is not easy," says he, " to describe the 
 degree of their indifference for wealth and all its 
 advantages. One does not well know what motives 
 to propose to them when one would persuade them to 
 any service. It is vain to offer them money, they 
 answer that they are not hungry." And Vanegas 
 confirms the whole, assuring us that " ambition they 
 have none, and are more desirous of being thought 
 strong than valiant. The objects of ambition with us, 
 honour, fame, reputation, riches, posts, and distinctions, 
 are unknown among them. So that this powerful 
 spring of action, the cause of so much seeming good 
 and real evil in the world, has no power over them. 
 In a word, these unhappy mortals may be compared 
 to children, in whom the development of reason is 
 not completed." 
 
 Now all these peculiarities, although in the unen- 
 lightened states of Greece, they would have entitled 
 their possessors to immortal honour, as having reduced 
 to practice those rigid and abstemious maxims, the 
 mere talking about which acquired certain old Greeks 
 the reputation of sages and philosophers ; yet were 
 
NEW YORK. 33 
 
 they clearly proved in the present instance, to betoken 
 a most abject and brutified nature, totally beneath the 
 human character. But the benevolent fathers, who 
 had undertaken to turn these unhappy savages into 
 dumb beasts, by dint of argument, advanced still 
 stronger proofs ; for as certain divines of the sixteenth 
 century, and among the rest Lullus, affirm, the Ame- 
 ricans go naked, and have no beards ! " They have 
 nothing/ ' says Lullus, " of the reasonable animal, 
 except the mask." And even that mask was allowed 
 to avail them but little, for it was soon found that 
 they were of a hideous copper complexion and being 
 of a copper complexion, it was all the same as if they 
 were negroes and negroes are black, "and black," 
 said the pious fathers, devoutly crossing themselves, 
 " is the colour of the devil I " Therefore, so far 
 from being able to own property, they had no right 
 even to personal freedom, for liberty is too radiant a 
 deity to inhabit such gloomy temples. All which 
 circumstances plainly convinced the righteous fol- 
 lowers of Cortes and Pizarro, that these miscreants 
 had no title to the soil that they infested that they 
 were a perverse, illiterate, dumb, beardless, black- 
 seed mere wild beasts of the forests, and like them, 
 should either be subdued or exterminated. 
 
 From the foregoing arguments, therefore, and a 
 variety of others equally conclusive, which I forbear 
 to enumerate, it was clearly evident that this fair 
 quarter of the globe, when first visited by Europeans, 
 was a howling wilderness, inhabited by nothing but 
 wild beasts ; and that the transatlantic visiters 
 acquired an incontrovertible property therein, by the 
 right of discovery. 
 
 This right being fully established, we now come to 
 the next, which is the right acquired by cultivation. 
 " The cultivation of the soil," we are told, " is an 
 
 D 
 
34 HISTORY OF 
 
 obligation imposed by nature on mankind. The whole 
 world is appointed for the nourishment of its inhabi- 
 tants : but it would be incapable of doing it, was it 
 uncultivated. Every nation is then obliged by the 
 law of nature to cultivate the ground that has fallen 
 to its share. Those people, like the ancient Germans 
 and modern Tartars, who, having fertile countries, 
 disdain to cultivate the earth, and choose to live by 
 rapine, are wanting to themselves, and deserve to be 
 exterminated as savage and pernicious beasts *." 
 
 Now, it is notorious, that the savages knew nothing 
 of agriculture, when first discovered by the Europeans, 
 but lived a most vagabond, disorderly, unrighteous 
 life, rambling from place to place, and prodigally 
 rioting upon the spontaneous luxuries of nature, with- 
 out tasking her generosity to yield them any thing 
 more ; whereas it has been most unquestionably 
 shown, that Heaven intended the earth should be 
 ploughed, and sown, and manured, and laid out into 
 cities, and towns, and farms, and country seats, and 
 pleasure grounds, and public gardens, all which the 
 Indians knew nothing about therefore they did not 
 improve the talents providence had bestowed on 
 them therefore they were careless stewards there- 
 fore they had no right to the soil therefore they 
 deserved to be exterminated. 
 
 It is true the savages might plead that they drew 
 all the benefits from the land which their simple 
 wants required they found plenty of game to hunt, 
 which, together with the roots and uncultivated fruits 
 of the earth, furnished a sufficient variety for their 
 frugal repasts ; and that as Heaven merely designed 
 the earth to form the abode, and satisfy the wants of 
 man ; so long as those purposes were answered, the 
 will of Heaven was accomplished. But this only 
 
 Vattel, b. i. c. 17. See likewise Grotius, Puffendorf, &c. 
 
NEW YORK. 35 
 
 proves how undeserving they were of the blessings 
 around them they were so much the more savages 
 for not having more wants ; for knowledge is in some 
 degree an increase of desires, and it is this superiority 
 both in the number and magnitude of his desires, that 
 distinguishes the man from the beast. Therefore the 
 Indians, in not having more wants, were very unrea- 
 sonable animals ; and it was but just that they should 
 make way for the Europeans, who had a thousand 
 wants to their one, and therefore would turn the earth 
 to more account, and by cultivating it, more truly 
 fulfil the will of Heaven. Besides Grotius, and 
 Lauterbach, and Puffendorf, and Titius, and many 
 wise men beside, who have considered the matter 
 properly, have determined, that the property of a 
 country cannot be acquired by hunting, cutting wood, 
 or drawing water in it nothing but precise demarca- 
 tion of limits, and the intention of cultivation, can 
 establish the possession. Now as the savages (pro- 
 bably from never having read the autnors above 
 quoted) had never complied with any of these neces- 
 sary forms, it plainly followed that they had no right 
 to the soil, but that it was completely at the disposal 
 of the first comers, who had more knowledge, more 
 wants, and more elegant, that is to say, artificial 
 desires, than themselves. 
 
 In entering upon a newly-discovered uncultivated 
 country, therefore, the new comers were but taking 
 possession of what, according to the aforesaid doc- 
 trine, was their own property therefore in opposing 
 them, the savages were invading their just rights, 
 infringing the immutable laws of nature, and coun- 
 teracting the will of Heaven therefore they were 
 guilty of impiety, burglary, and trespass on the case 
 therefore they were hardened offenders against God 
 and man therefore they ought to be exterminated. 
 D 2 
 
36 HISTORY OF 
 
 But a more irresistible right than either that I have 
 mentioned, and one which will be the most readily 
 admitted by my reader, provided he be blessed with 
 bowels of charity and philanthropy, is the right 
 acquired by civilisation. All the world knows the 
 lamentable state in which these poor savages were 
 found. Not only deficient in the comforts of life, but 
 what is still worse, most piteously and unfortunately 
 blind to the miseries of their situation. But no sooner 
 did the benevolent inhabitants of Europe behold their 
 sad condition than they immediately went to work to 
 ameliorate and improve it. They introduced among 
 them rum, gin, brandy, and the other comforts of life ; 
 and it is astonishing to read how soon the poor 
 savages learnt to estimate these blessings ; they like- 
 wise made known to them a thousand remedies, by 
 which the most inveterate diseases are alleviated and 
 healed, and that they might comprehend the benefits 
 and enjoy the comforts of these medicines, they pre- 
 viously introduced among them the diseases which 
 they were calculated to cure. By these and a variety 
 of other methods was the condition of these poor 
 savages wonderfully improved ; they acquired a thou- 
 sand wants of which they had before been ignorant, 
 and as he has most sources of happiness who has most 
 wants to be gratified, they were doubtlessly rendered 
 a much happier race of beings. 
 
 But the most important branch of civilisation, and 
 which has most strenuously been extolled, by the 
 zealous and pious fathers of the Romish Church, is 
 the introduction of the Christian faith. It was truly 
 a sight that might well inspire horror, to behold these 
 savages, stumbling among the dark mountains of pagan- 
 ism, and guilty of the most horrible ignorance of reli- 
 gion. It is true, they neither stole nor defrauded; 
 they were sober, frugal, continent, and faithful to 
 
NEW YORK. 37 
 
 their word ; but though they acted right habitually, 
 it was all in vain, unless they acted so from precept. 
 The new comers, therefore, used every method to 
 induce them to embrace and practise the true reli- 
 gion, except, indeed, that of setting them the example- 
 
 But notwithstanding all these complicated labours 
 for their good, such was the unparalleled obstinacy of 
 these stubborn wretches, that they ungratefully refused 
 to acknowledge the strangers as their benefactors, and 
 persisted in disbelieving the doctrines they endea- 
 voured to inculcate ; most insolently alleging, that 
 from their conduct, the advocates of Christianity 
 did not seem to believe in it themselves. Was not 
 this too much for human patience ? would not one 
 suppose, that the benign visitants from Europe, pro- 
 voked at their incredulity, and discouraged by their 
 stiff-necked obstinacy, would for ever have abandoned 
 their shores, and consigned them to their original 
 ignorance and misery? But no so zealous were 
 they to effect the temporal comfort and eternal salva- 
 tion of these pagan infidels, that they even proceeded 
 from the milder means of persuasion to the more 
 painful and troublesome one of persecution let loose 
 among them whole troops of fiery monks and furious 
 bloodhounds purified them by fire and sword, by 
 stake and faggot ; in consequence of which indefati- 
 gable measures, the cause of Christian love and charity 
 was so rapidly advanced that, in a very few years, not 
 one-fifth of the number of unbelievers existed in 
 South America, that were found there at the time of 
 its discovery. 
 
 What stronger right need the European settlers 
 advance to the country than this ? Have not whole 
 nations of uninformed savages been made acquainted 
 with a thousand imperious wants and indispensable 
 comforts, of which they were before wholly ignorant ? 
 have they not been literally hunted and smoked out 
 
38 HISTORY OP 
 
 of the dens and lurking places of ignorance and infi- 
 delity, and absolutely scourged into the right path ? 
 Have not the temporal things, the vain baubles and 
 filthy lucre of this world, which were too apt to engage 
 their worldly and selfish thoughts, been benevolently 
 taken from them ; and have they not, instead thereof, 
 been taught to set their affections on things above ? 
 And finally, to use the words of a reverend Spanish 
 father, in a letter to his superior in Spain " Can any 
 one have the presumption to say, that these savage 
 Pagans have yielded any thing more than an incon- 
 siderable recompense to their benefactors, in surren- 
 dering to them a little pitiful tract of this dirty sub- 
 lunary planet, in exchange for a glorious inheritance 
 in the kingdom of Heaven ! " 
 
 Here then are three complete and undeniable sources 
 of right established, any one of which was more than 
 ample to establish a property in the newly-discovered 
 regions of America. Now, so it has happened in 
 certain parts of this delightful quarter of the globe, 
 that the right of discovery has been so strenuously 
 asserted, the influence of cultivation so industriously 
 extended, and the progress of salvation and civilisation 
 so zealously prosecuted ; that, what with their attend- 
 ant wars, persecutions, oppressions, diseases, and other 
 partial evils that often hang on the skirts of great 
 benefits, the savage aborigines have, some how or 
 another, been utterly annihilated ; and this all at once 
 brings me to a fourth right, which is worth all the 
 others put together ; for the original claimants to the 
 soil being all dead and buried, and no one remaining 
 to inherit or dispute the soil, the Spaniards, as the 
 next immediate occupants, entered upon the possession 
 as clearly as the hangman succeeds to the clothes of 
 the malefactor and as they have Blackstone*, and 
 all the learned expounders of the law on their side, 
 * Bl. Com. b.ii.c. 1. 
 
NEW YORK. 39 
 
 they may set all actions of ejectment at defiance 
 and this last right may be entitled the RIGHT BY 
 EXTERMINATION, or in other words, the RIGHT BY 
 
 GUNPOWDER, 
 
 But lest any scruples of conscience should remain 
 on this head, and to settle the question of right for 
 ever, his holiness Pope Alexander VI. issued a mighty 
 bull, by which he generously granted the newly-dis- 
 covered quarter of the globe to the Spaniards and 
 Portuguese ; who, thus having law and gospel on their 
 side, and being inflamed with great spiritual zeal, 
 showed the pagan savages neither favour nor affection, 
 but prosecuted the work of discovery, colonisation, 
 civilisation, and extermination, with ten times more 
 fury than ever. 
 
 Thus were the European worthies who first dis- 
 covered America clearly entitled to the soil ; and not 
 only entitled to the soil, but likewise to the eternal 
 thanks of these infidel savages, for having come so 
 far, endured so many perils by sea and land, and 
 taken such unwearied pains, for no other purpose but 
 to improve their forlorn, uncivilised, and heathenish 
 condition for having made them acquainted with the 
 comforts of life for having introduced among them 
 the light of religion ; and, finally, for having hurried 
 them out of the world, to enjoy its reward ! 
 
 But as argument is never so well understood by us 
 selfish mortals, as when it comes home to ourselves, 
 and as I am particularly anxious that this question 
 should be put to rest for ever, I will suppose a parallel 
 case, by way of arousing the candid attention of my 
 readers. 
 
 Let us suppose then, that the inhabitants of the 
 moon, by astonishing advancement in science, and by 
 a profound insight into that ineffable lunar philosophy, 
 the mere flickerings of which have of late years dazzled 
 
40 HISTORY OF 
 
 the feebled optics, and addled the shallow brains of 
 the good people of our globe let us suppose, I say, 
 that the inhabitants of the moon, by these means, had 
 arrived at such a command of their energies, such an 
 enviable state of perfectibility, as to controul the ele- 
 ments, and navigate the boundless regions of space. 
 Let us suppose a roving crew of these soaring phi- 
 losophers, in the course of an aerial voyage of dis- 
 covery among the stars, should chance to alight upon 
 this outlandish planet. 
 
 And here I beg my readers will not have the un- 
 charitableness to smile, as is too frequently the fault 
 of volatile readers, when perusing the grave specula- 
 tions of philosophers. I am far from indulging in 
 any sportive vein at present ; nor is the supposition 
 I have been making so wild as many may deem it. 
 It has long been a very serious and anxious question 
 with me, and many a time and oft, in the course of 
 my overwhelming cares and contrivances for the wel- 
 fare and protection of this my native planet, have I 
 lain awake whole nights, debating in my mind, whe- 
 ther it were most probable we should first discover 
 and civilise the moon, or the moon discover and 
 civilise our globe. Neither would the prodigy of 
 sailing in the air and cruising among the stars be a 
 whit more astonishing and incomprehensible to us, 
 than was the European mystery of navigating floating 
 castles through the world of waters to the simple 
 savages. We have already discovered the art of 
 coasting along the aerial shores of our planet, by 
 means of balloons, as the savages had of venturing 
 along their sea coasts in canoes; and the disparity 
 between the former, and the aerial vehicles of the 
 philosophers from the moon, might not be greater 
 than that between the bark canoes of the savages and 
 the mighty ships of their discoverers. I might here 
 
NEW YORK. 41 
 
 pursue an endless chain of similar speculations ; but 
 as they would be unimportant to my subject, I abandon 
 them to my reader, particularly if he be a philosopher, 
 as matters well worthy his attentive consideration. 
 
 To return then to my supposition let us suppose 
 that the aerial visitants I have mentioned, possessed 
 of vastly superior knowledge to ourselves ; that is to 
 say, possessed of superior knowledge in the art of 
 extermination riding on hippogriffs defended with 
 impenetrable armour armed with concentrated sun- 
 beams, and provided with vast engines to hurl enor- 
 mous moonstones : in short, let us suppose them, if 
 our vanity will permit the supposition, as superior to 
 us in knowledge, and consequently in power, as the 
 Europeans were to the Indians when they first dis- 
 covered them. All this is very possible, it is only 
 our self-sufficiency that makes us think otherwise ; 
 and I warrant the poor savages, before they had any 
 knowledge of the white men, armed in all the terrors 
 of glittering steel and tremendous gunpowder, were 
 as perfectly convinced that they themselves were the 
 wisest, the most virtuous, powerful, and perfect of 
 created beings, as are, at this present moment, the 
 lordly inhabitants of Old England, the volatile popu- 
 lace of France, or even the self-satisfied citizens of 
 this most enlightened republic. * 
 
 Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voyagers, 
 finding this planet to be nothing but a howling wilder- 
 ness, inhabited by us poor savages and wild beasts, 
 shall take formal possession of it, in the name of his 
 most gracious and philosophic excellency, the man in 
 the moon. Finding, however, that their numbers are 
 incompetent to hold it in complete subjection, on 
 account of the ferocious barbarity of its inhabitants ; 
 they shall take our worthy President, the King of 
 England, the Emperor of Hayti, the mighty Buona- 
 
42 HISTORY OF 
 
 parte, and the great King of Bantam, and returning 
 to their native planet, shall carry them to court, as 
 were the Indian chiefs led about as spectacles in the 
 courts of Europe. 
 
 Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of the 
 court requires, they shall address the puissant man in 
 the moon, in, as near as I can conjecture, the follow- 
 ing terms : 
 
 " Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose domi- 
 nions extend as far as eye can reach, who rideth on 
 the Great Bear, useth the sun as a looking-glass, and 
 maintaineth unrivalled control over tides, madmen, and 
 sea-crabs. We, thy liege subjects, have just returned 
 from a voyage of discovery, in the course of which we 
 have landed and taken possession of that obscure little 
 dirty planet, which thou beholdest rolling at a distance. 
 The five uncouth monsters, which we have brought 
 into this august presence, were once very important 
 chiefs among their fellow savages, who are a race of 
 beings totally destitute of the common attributes of 
 humanity ; and differing in every thing from the inha- 
 bitants of the moon, inasmuch as they carry their 
 heads upon their shoulders, instead of under their arms 
 have two eyes instead of one are utterly destitute 
 of tails, and of a variety of unseemly complexions, 
 particularly of a horrible whiteness, instead of pea- 
 green. 
 
 " We have moreover found these miserable savages 
 sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance and depra- 
 vity, every man shamelessly living with his own wife 
 and rearing his own children, instead of indulging in 
 that community of wives enjoined by the law of nature, 
 as expounded by the philosophers of the moon. In a 
 word, they have scarcely a gleam of true philosophy 
 among them, but are, in fact, utter heretics, ignora- 
 muses, and barbarians. Taking compassion, therefore, 
 
NEW YORK. 43 
 
 on the sad condition of these sublunary wretches, we 
 have endeavoured, while we remained on their planet, 
 to introduce among them the light of reason and the 
 comforts of the moon. We have treated them to 
 mouthfuls of moonshine, and draughts of nitrous oxide, 
 which they swallowed with incredible voracity, parti- 
 cularly the females ; and we have likewise endeavoured 
 to instil into them the precepts of lunar philosophy. 
 We have insisted upon their renouncing the con- 
 temptible shackles of religion and common sense, and 
 adoring the profound, omnipotent, and all perfect 
 energy, and the ecstatic, immutable, immovable per- 
 fection. But such was the unparalleled obstinacy of 
 these wretched savages, that they persisted in cleaving 
 to their wives and adhering to their religion, and 
 absolutely set at nought the sublime doctrines of the 
 moon nay, among other abominable heresies, they 
 even went so far as blasphemously to declare, that 
 this ineffable planet was made of nothing more nor 
 less than green cheese ! " 
 
 At these words, the great man in the moon (being 
 a rery profound philosopher) shall fall into a terrible 
 passion, and possessing equal authority over things 
 that do not belong to him, as did whilome his holiness 
 the Pope, shall forthwith issue a formidable bull 
 specifying, " That whereas a certain crew of lunatics 
 have lately discovered and taken possession of a newly 
 discovered planet, called the earth ; and that whereas 
 it is inhabited by none but a race of two-legged animals 
 that carry their heads on their shoulders instead of 
 under their arms cannot talk the lunatic language 
 have two eyes instead of one are destitute of tails, 
 and of a horrible whiteness, instead of pea-green ; 
 therefore, and for a variety of other excellent reasons, 
 they are considered incapable of possessing any pro- 
 perty in the planet they infest, and the right and title 
 
44 HISTORY OF 
 
 to it are confirmed to its original discoverers. And 
 furthermore, the colonists who are now about to depart 
 to the aforesaid planet, are authorised and commanded 
 to use every means to convert these infidel savages 
 from the darkness of Christianity, and make them 
 thorough and absolute lunatics." 
 
 In consequence of this benevolent bull, our philo- 
 sophic benefactors go to work with hearty zeal. They 
 seize upon our fertile territories, scourge us from our 
 rightful possessions, relieve us from our wives ; and 
 when we are unreasonable enough to complain, they 
 will turn upon us and say, Miserable barbarians ! un- 
 grateful wretches ! have we not come thousands of 
 miles to improve your worthless planet ? have we 
 not fed you with moonshine ? have we not intoxicated 
 you with nitrous oxide ? does not our moon give you 
 light every night? and have you the baseness to 
 murmur, when we claim a pitiful return for all these 
 benefits ? But finding that we not only persist in abso- 
 lute contempt of their reasoning, and disbelief in their 
 philosophy, but even go so far as daringly to defend 
 our property, their patience shall be exhausted, and 
 they shall resort to their superior powers of argument 
 hunt us with hippogriffs, transfix us with concen- 
 trated sun-beams, demolish our cities with moon- 
 stones ; until having by main force converted us to 
 the true faith, they shall graciously permit us to exist 
 in the torrid deserts of Arabia, or the frozen regions 
 of Lapland, there to enjoy the blessings of civilisation 
 and the charms of lunar philosophy in much the 
 same manner as the reformed and enlightened savages 
 of this country are kindly suffered to inhabit the in- 
 hospitable forests of the north, or the impenetrable 
 wilderneses of South America. 
 
 Thus, I hope I have clearly proved, and strikingly 
 illustrated, the right of the early colonists to the pos- 
 
NEW YORK. 45 
 
 session of this country ; and thus is this gigantic 
 question completely vanquished : so, having manfully 
 surmounted all obstacles, and subdued all opposition, 
 what remains but that I should forthwith conduct my 
 readers into the city, which we have been so long in 
 a manner besieging? But hold before I proceed 
 another step, I must pause to take breath and recover 
 from the excessive fatigue I have undergone, in pre- 
 paring to begin this most accurate of histories. And 
 in this I do but imitate the example of a renowned 
 Dutch tumbler of antiquity, who took a start of three 
 miles for the purpose of jumping over a hill; but having 
 run himself out of breath by the time he reached the 
 foot, sat himself quietly down for a few moments to 
 blow, and then walked over it at his leisure. 
 
 END OF BOOK FIRST. 
 
46 HISTORY OF 
 
 BOOK II. 
 
 TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE OF 
 NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 In which are contained divers Reasons why a Man should not write 
 in a hurry. Also of Master Hendrick Hudson, his Discovery 
 of a strange Country and how he was magnificently rewarded 
 by. the Munificence of their High Mightinesses. 
 
 MY great grandfather, by the mother's side, Herma- 
 nns Van Clattercop, when employed to build the large 
 stone church at Rotterdam, which stands about three 
 hundred yards to your left, after you turn off from the 
 Boomkeys : and which is so conveniently constructed 
 that all the zealous Christians of Rotterdam prefer 
 sleeping through a sermon there, to any other church 
 in the city. My great grandfather, I say, when em- 
 ployed to build that famous church, did in the first 
 place send to Delft for a box of long pipes ; then having 
 purchased a new spitting-box and a hundred- weight of 
 the best Virginia, he sat himself down and did nothing 
 for the space of three months but smoke most labori- 
 ously. Then did he spend full three months more in 
 trudging on foot, and voyaging in the trekschuit, from 
 Rotterdam to Amsterdam to Delft to Haerlem to 
 Leyden to the Hague, knocking his head, and breaking 
 his pipe against every church in his road. Then did he 
 advance gradually nearer and nearer to Rotterdam, 
 until he came in full sight of the identical spot, whereon 
 
NEW YORK. 47 
 
 the church was to be built. Then did he spend three 
 months longer in walking round it and round it ; 
 contemplating it, first from one point of view, and 
 then from another ; now would he be paddled by it 
 on the canal ; now would he peep at it through a 
 telescope, from the other side of the Meuse ; and now 
 would he take a bird's-eye glance at it, from the top 
 of one of those gigantic windmills, which protect the 
 gates of the city. The good folks of the place were 
 on the tiptoe of expectation and impatience ; notwith- 
 standing all the turmoil of my great grandfather, not 
 a symptom of the church was yet to be seen ; they 
 even began to fear it would never be brought into the 
 world, but that its great projector would lie down and 
 die in labour of the mighty plan he had conceived. 
 At length, having occupied twelve good months in 
 puffing and paddling, and talking and walking, having 
 travelled over all Holland, and even taken a peep into 
 France and Germany ; having smoked five hundred 
 and ninety-nine pipes, and three hundred weight of 
 the best Virginia tobacco ; my great grandfather 
 gathered together all that knowing and industrious 
 class of citizens, who prefer attending to any body's 
 business sooner than their own, and, having pulled off 
 his coat and five pair of breeches, he advanced stur- 
 dily up, and laid the corner-stone of the church, in 
 the presence of the whole multitude, just at the com- 
 mencement of the thirteenth month. 
 
 In a similar manner, and with the example of my 
 worthy ancestor full before my eyes, have I proceeded 
 in writing this most authentic history. The honest 
 Rotterdammers no doubt thought my great grand- 
 father was doing nothing at all to the purpose, while 
 he was making such a world of prefatory bustle about 
 the building of his church ; and many of the ingenious 
 inhabitants of this fair city will unquestionably suppose 
 
48 HISTORY OF 
 
 that all the preliminary chapters, with the discovery, 
 population, and final settlement of America, were 
 totally irrelevant and superfluous ; and that the main 
 business, the history of New York, is not a jot more 
 advanced than if I had never taken up my pen. Never 
 were wise people more mistaken in their conjectures. 
 In consequence of going to work slowly and deliber- 
 ately, the church came out of my grandfather's hands 
 one of the most sumptuous, goodly, and glorious edi- 
 fices in the known world ; excepting that, like our 
 magnificent capitol at Washington, it was begun on so 
 grand a scale that the good folks could not afford to 
 finish more than the wing of it. So likewise, I trust, 
 if ever I am enabled to finish this work on the plan I 
 have commenced (of which, in simple truth, I some- 
 times have my doubts), it will be found, that I have 
 pursued the latest rules of my art, as exemplified in 
 the writings of all the great American historians, and 
 wrought a very large history out of a small subject, 
 which, nowadays, is considered one of the great tri- 
 umphs of historic skill. To proceed then with the 
 thread of my story. 
 
 In the ever memorable year of our Lord, 1609, on 
 a Saturday morning, the five and twentieth day of 
 March, old style, did that " worthy and irrecoverable 
 discoverer (as he has justly been called), Master 
 Henry Hudson," set sail from Holland in a stout 
 vessel called the Half Moon, being employed by the 
 Dutch East India Company, to seek a north-west 
 passage to China. 
 
 Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, Hen- 
 drick) Hudson was a sea-faring man of renown, who 
 had learned to smoke tobacco under Sir Walter 
 Raleigh, and is said to have been the first to introduce 
 it into Holland, which gained him much popularity in 
 that country, and caused him to find great favour in 
 
NEW YORK. 49 
 
 the eyes of their High Mightinesses, the lords states- 
 general, and also of the honourable West India Com- 
 pany. He was a short, square, brawny old gentleman, 
 with a double chin, a mastiff mouth, and a broad copper 
 nose, which was supposed in those days to have ac- 
 quired its fiery hue from the constant neighbourhood 
 of his tobacco pipe. 
 
 He wore a true Andrea Ferrara tucked in a leathern 
 belt, and a commodore's cocked hat on one side of his 
 head. He was remarkable for always jerking up his 
 breeches when he gave out his orders, and his voice 
 sounded not unlike the brattling of a tin trumpet, 
 owing to the number of hard north- westers which he 
 had swallowed in the course of his seafaring. 
 
 Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have 
 heard so much, and know so little ; and 1 have been 
 thus particular in his description, for the benefit of 
 modern painters and statuaries, that they may repre- 
 sent him as he was ; and not, according to their com- 
 mon custom, with modern heroes, make him look like 
 Caesar, or Marcus Aurelius, or the Apollo of Belvi- 
 dere. 
 
 As chief mate and favourite companion, the com- 
 modore chose Master Robert Juet, of Limehouse, in 
 England. By some his name has been spelled Chewit, 
 and ascribed to the circumstance of his having been 
 the first man that ever chewed tobacco ; but this I 
 believe to be a mere flippancy ; more especially as cer- 
 tain of his progeny are living at this day, who write 
 their names Juet. He was an old comrade and early 
 schoolmate of the great Hudson, with whom he had 
 often played truant and sailed chip boats in a neighbour- 
 ing pond, when they were little boys ; from whence it 
 is said the commodore first derived his bias towards 
 a seafaring life. Certain it is, that the old people 
 about Limehouse declared Robert Juet to be an 
 
 
50 HISTORY OF 
 
 unlucky urchin, prone to mischief, that would one day 
 or other come to the gallows. 
 
 He grew up as boys of that kind often grow up, a 
 rambling heedless varlet, tossed about in all quarters 
 of the world meeting with more perils and wonders 
 than did Sinbad the sailor, without growing a whit 
 more wise, prudent, or ill-natured. Under every mis- 
 fortune he comforted himself with a quid of tobacco, 
 and the truly philosophic maxim, that " it will be all 
 the same thing a hundred years hence." He was 
 skilled in the art of carving anchors and true lovers' 
 knots on the bulk-heads and quarter-railings, and was 
 considered a great wit on board ship, in consequence 
 of his playing pranks on every body around, and now 
 and then even making a wry face at old Hendrick, 
 when his back was turned. 
 
 To this universal genius are we indebted for many 
 particulars concerning this voyage, of which he wrote 
 a history, at the request of the commodore, who had 
 an unconquerable aversion to writing himself, from 
 having received so many floggings about it when at 
 school. To supply the deficiencies of Master Juet's 
 journal, which is written with true log-book brevity, 
 I have availed myself of divers family traditions, 
 handed down from my great-great-grandfather, who 
 accompanied the expedition in the capacity of cabin- 
 boy. 
 
 From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of 
 remark happened in the voyage ; and it mortifies me 
 exceedingly, that I have to admit so noted an expedi- 
 tion into my work without making any more of it 
 Oh ! that I had the advantages of that most authentic 
 writer of yore, Apollonius Rhodius, who, in his account 
 of the famous Argonautic expedition, has the whole 
 mythology at his disposal, and elevates Jason and his 
 compeers into heroes and demigods ; although all the 
 
NEW YORK. 51 
 
 world knows them to have been a mere gang of sheep- 
 stealers on a marauding expedition ; or that I had the 
 privileges of Dan Homer and Dan Virgil, to enliven 
 my narration with giants and Lystrigonians ; to enter- 
 tain our honest mariners with an occasional concert 
 of sirens and mermaids, and now and then with the 
 raree-show of honest old Neptune and his fleet of fro- 
 licsome cruisers. But, alas ! the good old times have 
 long gone by, when your waggish deities would descend 
 upon this terraqueous globe, in their own proper 
 persons, and play their pranks upon its wondering 
 inhabitants. 
 
 Suffice it then to say, the voyage was prosperous 
 and tranquil the crew being a patient people, much 
 given to slumber and vacuity, and but little troubled 
 with the disease of thinking a malady of the mind, 
 which is the sure breeder of discontent. Hudson had 
 laid an abundance of gin and sour crout, and every 
 man was allowed to sleep quietly at his post unless 
 the wind blew. True it is, some slight dissatisfaction 
 was shown on two or three occasions, at certain un- 
 reasonable conduct of Commodore Hudson. Thus, 
 for instance, he forbore to shorten sail when the wind 
 was light, and the weather serene, which was con- 
 sidered among the most experienced Dutch seamen, 
 as certain weather breeders, or prognostics, that the 
 weather would change for the worse. He acted, 
 moreover, in direct contradiction to that ancient and 
 sage rule of the Dutch navigators, who always took 
 in sail at night ; ,put the helm aport, and turned in ; 
 by which precaution they had a good night's rest, 
 were sure of knowing where they were the next morn- 
 ing, and stood but little chance of running down a 
 continent in the dark. He likewise prohibited the 
 seamen from wearing more than five jackets, and six 
 pair of breeches, under pretence of rendering them 
 
 E2 
 
52 HISTORY OF 
 
 more alert ; and no man was permitted to go aloft, 
 and hand in sails, with a pipe in his mouth, as is 
 the invariable Dutch custom at the present day. 
 All these grievances, though they might ruffle for a 
 moment the constitutional tranquillity of the honest 
 Dutch tars, made but transient impression ; they eat 
 hugely, drank profusely, and slept immeasurably ; and 
 being under the especial guidance of providence, the 
 ship was safely conducted to the coast of America ; 
 where, after sundry unimportant touchings and stand- 
 ings off and on, she at length, on the fourth day of 
 September, entered that majestic bay, which at this 
 day expands its ample bosom before the city of New 
 York, and which had never before been visited by any 
 European *. 
 
 * True it is and I am not ignorant of the fact, that in a certain 
 apocryphal book of voyages, compiled by one Hackluyt, is to be 
 found a letter written to Francis the First by one Giovanni, or 
 John Verazzani, on which some writers are inclined to found a 
 belief that this delightful bay had been visited nearly a century 
 previous to the voyage of the enterprising Hudson. Now this 
 (albeit it has met with the countenance of certain very judicious 
 and learned men) I hold in utter disbelief, and that for various 
 good and substantial reasons First, Because, on strict examina- 
 tion, it will be found that the description given by this Verazzani 
 applies about as well to the bay of New York as it does to my 
 nightcap. Secondly, Because that this John Verazzani, for whom 
 I already begin to feel a most bitter enmity, is a native of Florence ; 
 and everybody knows the crafty wile of these losel Florentines, by 
 which they filched away the laurels from the brows of the immortal 
 Colon (vulgarly called Columbus), and bestowed them on their 
 officious townsman, Amerigo Vespucci and I make no doubt they 
 are equally ready to rob the illustrious Hudson of the credit of 
 discovering this beauteous Island, adorned by the city of New York, 
 aud placing it beside their usurped discovery of South America. 
 And thirdly, I award my decision in favour of the pretensions of 
 Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his expedition sailed from Holland, 
 being truly and absolutely a Dutch enterprise; and though all the 
 proofs in the world were introduced on the other side, I would set 
 them at nought, as undeserving my attention. If these three 
 
NEW YORK. 53 
 
 It has been traditionary in our family, that when 
 the great navigator was first blessed with a view of 
 this enchanting island, he was observed, for the first 
 and only time in his life, to exhibit strong symptoms 
 of astonishment and admiration. He is said to have 
 turned to Master Juet, and uttered these remarkable 
 words, while he pointed towards this paradise of the 
 new world " See ! there !" and thereupon, as was 
 always his way when he was uncommonly pleased, he 
 did puff out such clouds of dense tobacco-smoke that 
 in one minute the vessel was out of sight of land, and 
 Master Juet was fain to wait until the winds dispersed 
 this impenetrable fog. 
 
 It was indeed as my great-great-grandfather used 
 to say though in truth I never heard him, for he 
 died, as might be expected, before I was born " It 
 was indeed a spot on which the eye might have 
 revelled for ever, in ever new and never ending 
 beauties." The island of Manna-hata spread wide 
 before them, like some sweet vision of fancy, or some 
 fair creation of industrious magic. Its hills of smiling 
 green swelled gently one above another, crowned with 
 lofty trees of luxuriant growth ; some pointing their 
 tapering foliage towards the clouds, which were glo- 
 riously transparent ; and others loaded with a verdant 
 burden of clambering vines, bowing their branches to 
 the earth, that was covered with flowers. On the 
 gentle declivities of the hills were scattered in gay 
 profusion, the dog-wood, the sumach, and the wild 
 brier, whose scarlet berries and white blossoms glowed 
 brightly among the deep green of the surrounding 
 
 reasons be not sufficient to satisfy every burgher of this ancient 
 city, all I can say is, they are degenerate descendants from their 
 venerable Dutch ancestors, and totally unworthy the trouble of 
 convincing. Thus, therefore, the title of Hendrick Hudson to his 
 renowned discovery is fully vindicated. 
 
54 HISTORY OF 
 
 foliage ; and here and there a curling column of 
 smoke rising from the little glens that opened along 
 the shore, seemed to promise the weary voyagers a 
 welcome at the hands of their fellow-creatures. As 
 they stood gazing with entranced attention on the 
 scene before them, a red man, crowned with feathers, 
 issued from one of these glens, and after contem- 
 plating in silent wonder the gallant ship, as she sat 
 like a stately swan swimming on a silver lake, sounded 
 the war-whoop, and bounded into the woods like a 
 wild deer, to the utter astonishment of the phlegmatic 
 Dutchmen, who had never heard such a noise, or 
 witnessed such a caper in their whole lives. 
 
 Of the transactions of our adventurers with the 
 savages, and how the latter smoked copper pipes and 
 ate dried currants ; how they brought great store of 
 tobacco and oysters ; how they shot one of the ship's 
 crew, and how he was buried, I shall say nothing; 
 being that I consider them unimportant to my his- 
 tory. After tarrying a few days in the bay, in order 
 to refresh themselves after their seafaring, our voyagers 
 weighed anchor, to explore a mighty river which emp- 
 tied into the bay. This river, it is said, was known 
 among the savages by the name of the Shatemuck ; 
 though we are assured in an excellent little history 
 published in 1674, by John Josselyn, Gent., that 
 it was called the Mohegan *, and Master Richard 
 Bloome, who wrote some time afterwards, asserts the 
 same so that I very much incline in favour of the 
 opinion of these two honest gentlemen. Be this as it 
 may, up this river did the adventurous Hendrick pro- 
 ceed, little doubting but it would turn out to be the 
 much looked-for passage to China ! 
 
 The journal goes on to make mention of divers 
 
 * This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map, as Manhattan, 
 Noordt, Montaigne, and Mauritius river. 
 
NEW YORK. 55 
 
 interviews between the crew and the natives in the 
 voyage up the river ; but as they would be impertinent 
 to my history, I shall pass over them in silence, 
 except the following dry joke, played off by the old 
 commodore and his schoolfellow Robert Juet ; which 
 does such vast credit to their experimental philosophy, 
 that I cannot refrain from inserting it. " Our master 
 and his mate determined to try some of the chiefe 
 men of the countrey, whether they had any treacherie 
 in them. So they toota them downe into the cabin, 
 and gave them so much wine and acqua vitae that they 
 were all merrie ; and one of them had his wife with 
 him, which sate so modestly, as any of our countrey- 
 women would do in a strange place. In the end, one 
 of them was drunke, which had been aboarde of our 
 ship all the time we had beene there, and that was 
 strange to them, for they could not tell how to take 
 it *." 
 
 Having satisfied himself by this ingenious experi- 
 ment, that the natives were an honest, social race of 
 jolly roysters, who had no objection to a drinking 
 bout, and were very merry in their cups, the old com- 
 modore chuckled hugely to himself, and thrusting a 
 double quid of tobacco in his cheek, directed Master 
 Juet to have it carefully recorded, for the satisfaction 
 of all the natural philosophers of the university of 
 Leyden which done, he proceeded on his voyage 
 with great self-complacency. After sailing, however, 
 above a hundred miles up the river, he found the 
 watery world around him began to grow more shallow 
 and confined, the current more rapid, and perfectly 
 fresh phenomena not uncommon in the ascent of 
 rivers, but which puzzled the honest Dutchman pro- 
 digiously. A consultation was therefore called, and 
 having deliberated full six hours, they were brought 
 * Juet's Journ. Purch. Pil. 
 
56 HISTORY OF 
 
 to a determination by the ship's running aground ; 
 whereupon they unanimously concluded, that there 
 was but little chance of getting to China in that direc- 
 tion. A boat, however, was despatched to explore 
 higher up the river, which on its return confirmed the 
 opinion : upon this the ship was warped off and put 
 about with great difficulty, being like most of her sex, 
 exceedingly hard to govern ; and the adventurous 
 Hudson, according to the account of my great-great- 
 grandfather, returned down the river with a prodi- 
 gious flea in his ear ! 
 
 Being satisfied that there was little likelihood of 
 getting to China, unless, like the blind man, he 
 returned from whence he set out, and took a fresh 
 start, he forthwith re- crossed the sea to Holland, 
 where he was received with great welcome by the 
 honourable East India Company, who were very much 
 rejoiced to see him come back safe with their ship ; 
 and at a large and respectable meeting of the first 
 merchants and burgomasters of Amsterdam, it was 
 unanimously determined, that as a munificent reward 
 for the eminent services he had performed, and the 
 important discovery he had made, the great river 
 Mohegan should be called after his name ! and it 
 continues to be called Hudson river unto this very 
 day. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Containing an Account of a mighty Ark which floated under the 
 Protection of St. Nicholas from Holland to Gihbet Island the 
 Descent of the strange Animals therefrom a great Victory, and 
 a Description of the ancient Village of Communipaw. 
 
 THE delectable accounts given by the great Hudson 
 and Master Juet, of the country they had discovered, 
 
NEW YORK. 57 
 
 excited not a little talk and speculation among the 
 good people of Holland. Letters patent were granted 
 by government to an association of merchants, called 
 the West India Company, for the exclusive trade on 
 Hudson river, on which they erected a trading house 
 called Fort Aurania, or Orange, from whence did 
 spring the great city of Albany. But I forbear to 
 dwell on the various commercial and colonising enter- 
 prises which took place ; among which was that of 
 Mynheer Adrian Block, who discovered and gave a 
 name to Block Island, since famous for its cheese 
 and shall barely confine myself to that, which gave 
 birth to this renowned city. 
 
 It was some three or four years after the return of 
 the immortal Hendrick, that a crew of honest Low 
 Dutch colonists set sail from the city of Amsterdam 
 for the shores of America. It is an irreparable loss 
 to history, and a great proof of the darkness of the 
 age, and the lamentable neglect of the noble art of 
 book-making, since so industriously cultivated by 
 knowing sea captains, and learned supercargoes, that 
 an expedition so interesting and important in its 
 results, should be passed over in utter silence. To 
 my great-great-grandfather am I again indebted for 
 the few facts I am enabled to give concerning it ; he 
 having once more embarked for this country, with a 
 full determination, as he said, of ending his days here ; 
 and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers that should 
 rise to be great men in the land. 
 
 The ship in which these illustrious adventurers set 
 sail was called the Goede Vrouw, or Good Woman, 
 in compliment to the wife of the president of the 
 West India Company, who was allowed by everybody 
 (except her husband) to be a sweet tempered lady, 
 when not in liquor. It was in truth a most gallant 
 
58 HISTORY OF 
 
 vessel, of the most approved Dutch construction, and 
 made by the ablest ship carpenters of Amsterdam, 
 who, it is well known, always model their ships after 
 the fair forms of their countrywomen. Accordingly 
 it had one hundred feet in the beam, one hundred 
 feet in the keel, and one hundred feet from the bottom 
 of the stern post to the tafferel. Like the beauteous 
 model, who was declared to be the greatest belle in 
 Amsterdam, it was full in the bows, with a pair of 
 enormous cat-heads, a copper bottom, and withal a 
 most prodigious poop ! 
 
 The architect, who was somewhat of a religious 
 man, far from decorating the ship with pagan idols, such 
 as Jupiter, Neptune, or Hercules (which heathenish 
 abominations, I have no doubt, occasion the misfor- 
 tunes and shipwreck of many a noble vessel), he I 
 say, on the contrary, did laudably erect for a head, a 
 goodly image of St. Nicholas, equipped with a low 
 broad brimmed hat, a huge pair of Flemish trunk 
 hose, and a pipe that reached to the end of the 
 bowsprit. Thus gallantly furnished, the staunch ship 
 floated sideways, like a majestic goose, out of the 
 harbour of the great city of Amsterdam, and all the 
 bells that were not otherwise engaged, rung a triple 
 bob-major on the joyful occasion. 
 
 My great-great-grandfather remarks, that the voy- 
 age was uncommonly prosperous, for, being under the 
 especial care of the ever revered St. Nicholas, the 
 Goede Vrouw seemed to be endowed with qualities 
 unknown to common vessels. Thus she made as 
 much lee-way as head-way, could get along very 
 nearly as fast with the wind ahead as when it was 
 apoop and was particularly great in a calm ; in con- 
 sequence of which singular advantages, she made out 
 to accomplish her voyage in a very few months, and 
 
NEW YORK. 59 
 
 came to anchor at the mouth of the Hudson, a little to 
 the east of Gibbet Island *. 
 
 Here lifting up their eyes they beheld, on what is 
 at present called the Jersey shore, a small Indian vil- 
 lage, pleasantly embowered in a grove of spreading 
 elms, and the natives all collected on the beach, 
 gazing in stupid admiration at the Goede Vrouw. 
 A boat was immediately despatched to enter into a 
 treaty with them, and approaching the shore, hailed 
 them through a trumpet in the most friendly terms ; 
 but so horribly confounded were these poor savages 
 at the tremendous and uncouth sound of the Low 
 Dutch language, that they one and all took to their 
 heels, scampered over the Bergen hills, nor did they 
 stop until they had buried themselves, head and ears, 
 in the marshes on the other side, where they all 
 miserably perished to a man, and their bones being 
 collected, arid decently covered by the Tammany 
 Society of that day, formed that singular mound called 
 Rattlesnake-hill, which rises out of the centre of 
 the salt marshes, a little to the east of the Newark 
 Causeway. 
 
 Animated by this unlooked-for victory, our valiant 
 heroes sprang ashore in triumph, took possession of 
 the soil as conquerors, in the names of their High 
 Mightinesses the lords states-general, and marching 
 fearlessly forward, carried the village of Communi- 
 paw by storm, notwithstanding that it was vigorously 
 defended by some half a score of old squaws and pop- 
 pooses. On looking about them they were so tran- 
 sported with the excellences of the place, that they 
 had very little doubt the blessed St. Nicholas had 
 guided them thither, as the very spot whereon to 
 
 * So called, because one Joseph Andrews, a pirate and murderer, 
 was hanged in chains on that island, the 23rd May, 1769. 
 
60 HISTORY OF 
 
 settle their colony. The softness of the soil was 
 wonderfully adapted to the driving of piles ; the 
 swamps and marshes around them afforded ample 
 opportunities for the constructing of dykes and dams ; 
 the shallowness of the shore was peculiarly favourable 
 to the building of docks in a word, this spot abounded 
 with all the requisites for the foundation of a great 
 Dutch city. On making a faithful report, therefore, 
 to the crew of the Goede Vrouw, they one and all 
 determined that this was the destined end of their 
 voyage. Accordingly they descended from the Goede 
 Vrouw, men, women, and children, in goodly groups, 
 as did the animals of yore from the ark, and formed 
 themselves into a thriving settlement, which they 
 called by the Indian name Communipaw. 
 
 As all the world is, doubtless, perfectly acquainted 
 with Communipaw, it may seem somewhat superfluous 
 to treat of it in the present work ; but my readers 
 will please to recollect, that notwithstanding it is my 
 chief desire to satisfy the present age, yet I write like- 
 wise for posterity, and have to consult the understand- 
 ing and curiosity of some half a score of centuries yet 
 to come ; by which time, perhaps, were it not for this 
 invaluable history, the great Communipaw, like Baby- 
 lon, Carthage, Nineveh, and other great cities, might 
 be perfectly extinct sunk and forgotten in its own 
 mud its inhabitants turned into oysters *, and even 
 its situation a fertile subject of learned controversy 
 and hard-headed investigation among indefatigable 
 historians. Let me, then, piously rescue from obli- 
 vion, the humble reliques of a place, which was the 
 egg from whence was hatched the mighty city of New 
 York! 
 
 Communipaw is at present but a small village, 
 * " Men by inaction degenerate into oysters." Kaimes. 
 
NEW YORK. 61 
 
 pleasantly situated among rural scenery, on that beau- 
 teous part of the Jersey shore which was known in 
 ancient legends by the name of Pavonia *, and com- 
 mands a grand prospect of the superb bay of New 
 York. It is within but half an hour's sail of the latter 
 place, provided you have a fair wind, and may be dis- 
 tinctly seen from the city. Nay, it is a well known 
 fact, which I can testify from my own experience, that 
 on a clear, still summer evening, you may hear from 
 the battery of New York, the obstreperous peals of 
 the broad-mouthed laughter of the Dutch negroes at 
 Communipaw, who, like most other negroes, are famous 
 for their risible powers. This is peculiarly the case 
 on Sunday evenings; when, it is remarked by an 
 ingenious and observant philosopher, who has made 
 great discoveries in the neighbourhood of this city, 
 that they always laugh loudest; which he attributes 
 to the circumstance of their having their holiday 
 clothes on. 
 
 These negroes, in fact, like the monks in the dark 
 ages, engross all the knowledge of the place, and being 
 infinitely more adventurous and more knowing than 
 their masters, carry on all the foreign trade, making 
 frequent voyages to town in canoes loaded with oys- 
 ters, buttermilk, and cabbages. They are great astro- 
 logers, predicting the different changes of weather 
 almost as accurately as an almanac ; they are, more- 
 over, exquisite performers on three-stringed fiddles : 
 in whistling, they almost boast the far-famed powers 
 of Orpheus his lyre, for not a horse or an ox in the 
 place, when at the plough or before the wagon, will 
 budge a foot until he hears the well known whistle 
 of his black driver and companion : and from their 
 amazing skill in casting up accounts upon their fingers, 
 
 * Pavonia, in the ancient maps, is given to a tract of country 
 extending from about Hobokcn to Aiiiboy. 
 
62 HISTORY OF 
 
 they are regarded with as much veneration as were 
 the disciples of Pythagoras of yore, when initiated into 
 the sacred quaternary of numbers. 
 
 As to the honest burghers of Communipaw, like 
 wise men and sound philosophers, they never look 
 beyond their pipes, nor trouble their heads about any 
 affairs out of their immediate neighbourhood ; so that 
 they live in profound and enviable ignorance of all 
 the troubles, anxieties, and revolutions of this dis- 
 tracted planet. I am even told that many among 
 them do verily believe that Holland, of which they 
 have heard so much from tradition, is situated some- 
 where on Long Island that Spiking-devil and the 
 Narrows, are the two ends of the world that the 
 country is still under the dominion of their High 
 Mightinesses ; and that the city of New York still 
 goes by the name Nieuw Amsterdam. They meet 
 every Saturday afternoon, at the only tavern in the 
 place, which bears as a sign, a square headed likeness 
 of the prince of Orange ; where they smoke a silent 
 pipe by way of promoting social conviviality, and 
 invariably drink a mug of cider to the success of 
 Admiral Van Tromp, who they imagine is still sweep- 
 ing the British channel, with a broom at his mast 
 head. 
 
 Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous 
 little villages in the vicinity of this most beautiful of 
 cities, which are so many strong holds and fastnesses, 
 whither the primitive manners of our Dutch fore- 
 fathers have retreated, and where they are cherished 
 with devout and scrupulous strictness. The dress of 
 the original settlers is handed down inviolate, from 
 father to son the identical broad brimmed hat, broad 
 skirted coat, and broad bottomed breeches, continue 
 from generation to generation ; arid several gigantic 
 knee-buckles of massy silver, are still in wear, that 
 
NEW YORK. 63 
 
 made such gallant display in the days of the patriarchs 
 of Communipaw. The language, likewise, continues 
 unadulterated by barbarous innovations ; and so criti- 
 cally correct is the village schoolmaster in his dialect, 
 that his reading of a Low Dutch psalm has much the 
 same effect on the nerves as the filing of a hand-saw. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 In which is set forth the true Art of making a Bargain together 
 with the miraculous Escape of a great Metropolis in a Fog and 
 the Biography of certain Heroes of Communipaw. 
 
 HAVING, in the trifling digression which concluded 
 the last chapter, discharged the filial duty which the 
 city of New York owed to Communipaw as being the 
 mother settlement ; and having given a faithful picture 
 of it as it stands at present, I return with a soothing 
 sentiment of self-approbation, to dwell upon its early 
 history. The crew of the Goede Vrouw being soon 
 reinforced by fresh importations from Holland, the 
 settlement wentjollily on increasing in magnitude and 
 prosperity. The neighbouring Indians in a short time 
 became accustomed to the uncouth sound of the Dutch 
 language, and an intercourse gradually took place 
 between them and the new comers. The Indians 
 were much given to long talks, and the Dutch to long 
 silence in this particular, therefore, they accommo- 
 dated each other completely. The chiefs would make 
 long speeches about the big bull, the wabash, and the 
 great spirit, to which the others would listen very 
 attentively, smoke their pipes, and grunt yah myn-her 
 whereat the poor savages were wondrously delighted. 
 They instructed the new settlers in the best art of 
 curing arid smoking tobacco, while the latter in return. 
 
64 HISTORY OF 
 
 made them drunk with true Hollands and then 
 learned them the art of making bargains. 
 
 A brisk trade for furs was soon opened ; the Dutch 
 traders were scrupulously honest in their dealings, and 
 purchased by weight, establishing it as an invariable 
 table of avoirdupoise, that the hand of a Dutchman 
 weighed one pound, and his foot two pounds. It is 
 true, the simple Indians were often puzzled by the 
 great disproportion between bulk and weight, for let 
 them place a bundle of furs never so large, in one 
 scale, and a Dutchman put his hand or foot in the 
 other, the bundle was sure to kick the beam never 
 was a package of furs known to weigh more than two 
 pounds in the market of Communipaw ! 
 
 This is a singular fact but I have it direct from 
 my great-great-grandfather, who had risen to consi- 
 derable importance in the colony, being promoted to the 
 office of weigh-master, on account of the uncommon 
 heaviness of his foot. 
 
 The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe 
 began now to assume a very thriving appearance, and 
 were comprehended under the general title of the 
 Nieuw Nederlandts ; on account, as the sage Vander 
 Donck observes, of their great resemblance to the 
 Dutch Netherlands which indeed was truly remark- 
 able, excepting that the former were rugged and 
 mountainous, and the latter level and marshy. About 
 this time the tranquillity of the Dutch colonists was 
 doomed to suffer a temporary interruption. In 1614, 
 Captain Sir Samuel Argal, sailing under a commission 
 from Dale, governor of Virginia, visited the Dutch 
 settlements on Hudson river, and demanded their 
 submission to the English crown and Virginia domi- 
 nion. To this arrogant demand, as they were in no 
 condition to resist it, they submitted for the time, like 
 discreet and reasonable men. 
 
NEW YORK. 65 
 
 It does not appear that the valiant Argal molested 
 the settlement of Communipaw ; on the contrary, I 
 am told that when his vessel first hove in sight, the 
 worthy burghers were seized with such a panic, that 
 they fell to smoking their pipes with astonishing vehe- 
 mence, insomuch that they quickly raised a cloud, 
 which, combining with the surrounding woods and 
 marshes, completely enveloped and concealed their 
 beloved village, and overhung the fair regions of 
 Pavonia: so that the terrible Captain Argal passed 
 on, totally unsuspicious that a sturdy little Dutch set- 
 tlement lay snugly couched in the mud, under cover 
 of all this pestilent vapour. In commemoration of 
 this fortunate escape, the worthy inhabitants have 
 continued to smoke almost without intermission unto 
 this very day ; which is said to be the cause of the 
 remarkable fog that often hangs over Communipaw of 
 a clear afternoon. 
 
 Upon the departure of the enemy, our magnanimous 
 ancestors took full six months to recover their wind, 
 having been exceedingly discomposed by the conster- 
 nation and hurry of affairs. They then called a 
 council of safety to smoke over the state of the province. 
 After six months more of mature deliberation, during 
 which nearly five hundred words were spoken, and 
 almost as much tobacco was smoked as would have 
 served a certain modern general through a whole 
 winter's campaign of hard drinking, it was determined 
 to fit out an armament of canoes, and despatch them 
 on a voyage of discovery, to search if peradventure 
 some more sure and formidable position might not be 
 found, where the colony would be less subject to 
 vexatious visitations. 
 
 This perilous enterprise was entrusted to the superin- 
 tendence of Mynheers Oloffe Van Kortlandt, Abraham 
 Hardenbroeck, Jacobus Van Zandt, and Winant Ten 
 
66 HISTORY OF 
 
 Broeck four indubitably great men ; but of whose 
 history, although I have made diligent inquiry, I can 
 learn but little previous to their leaving Holland. 
 Nor need this occasion much surprise, for adventurers, 
 like prophets, though they make great noise abroad, 
 have seldom much celebrity in their own countries ; 
 but this much is certain, that the overflowings and 
 offscourings of a country are invariably composed of 
 the richest parts of the soil. And here I cannot help 
 remarking how convenient it would be to many of 
 our great men and great families of doubtful origin, 
 could they have the privilege of the heroes of yore, 
 who, whenever their origin was involved in obscurity, 
 modestly announced themselves descended from a god ; 
 and who never visited a foreign country, but what they 
 told some cock and bull stories about their being kings 
 and princes at home. This venial trespass on the truth, 
 though it has occasionally been played off by some 
 pseudo marquis, baronet, and other illustrious foreigner, 
 in our land of good-natured credulity, has been com- 
 pletely discountenanced in this sceptical matter-of-fact 
 age. And I even question whether any tender virgin, 
 who was accidentally and unaccountably enriched with 
 a bantling, would save her character at parlour firesides 
 and evening tea parties, by ascribing the phenomenon 
 to a swan, a shower of gold, or a river god. 
 
 Thus being denied the benefit of mythology and classic 
 fable, I should have been completely at a loss as to the 
 early biography of my heroes, had not a gleam of light 
 been thrown upon their origin from their names. 
 
 From this simple means have I been enabled to 
 gather some particulars concerning the adventurers in 
 question. Van Kortlandt, for instance, was one of 
 those peripatetic philosophers, who tax providence for 
 a livelihood, and, like Diogenes, enjoy a free and unin- 
 cumbered estate in sunshine. He was usually arrayed 
 
NEW YORK. 67 
 
 in garments suitable to his fortune, being curiously 
 fringed and fangled by tbe hand of time ; and was 
 helmeted with an old fragment of a hat which had 
 acquired the shape of a sugar loaf; and so far did he 
 carry his contempt for the adventitious distinction of 
 dress, that it is said, the remnant of a shirt, which 
 covered his back, and dangled like a pocket handker- 
 chief out of a hole in his breeches, was never washed, 
 except by the bountiful showers of heaven. In this 
 garb was he usually to be seen, sunning himself at 
 noonday, with a herd of philosophers of the same sect, 
 on the side of the great canal of Amsterdam. Like 
 your nobility of Europe, he took his name oiKortlandt 
 (or Lack-land) from his landed estate, which lay 
 somewhere in Terra Incognita. 
 
 Of the next of our worthies, might I have had the 
 benefit of mythological assistance, the want of which 
 I have just lamented, I should have made honourable 
 mention, as boasting equally illustrious pedigree with 
 the proudest hero of antiquity. His name was Van 
 Zandt, which being freely translated, signifies from 
 the dirt, meaning, beyond a doubt, that like Tripto- 
 lemus, Themis the Cyclops and the Titans, he sprung 
 from dame Terra, or the earth I This supposition is 
 strongly corroborated by his size, for it is well known 
 that all the progeny of mother earth were of a gigantic 
 stature ; and Van Zandt, we are told, was a tall raw- 
 boned man, above six feet high with an astonishingly 
 hard head. Nor is this origin of the illustrious Van 
 Zandt a whit more improbable or repugnant to belief, 
 than what is related and universally admitted of certain 
 of our greatest, or rather richest men ; who, we are 
 told with the utmost gravity, did originally spring from 
 a dunghill I 
 
 Of the third hero, but a faint description has reached 
 to this time, which mentions, that he was a sturdy, 
 F 2 
 
68 HISTORY OF 
 
 obstinate, burly, bustling little man ; and from being 
 usually equipped with an old pair of buckskins, was 
 familiarly dubbed Harden Broeck, or Tough Breeches. 
 * Ten Broeck completed this junto of adventurers. 
 It is a singular but ludicrous fact, which, were I not 
 scrupulous in recording the whole truth, I should 
 almost be tempted to pass over in silence, as incom- 
 patible with the gravity and dignity of history, that 
 this worthy gentleman should likewise have been 
 nicknamed from the most whimsical part of his dress. 
 In fact the small clothes seems to have been a very 
 important garment in the eyes of our venerated 
 ancestors, owing in all probability to its really being 
 the largest article of raiment among them. The name 
 of Ten Broeck or Tin Broeck is indifferently translated 
 into Ten Breeches and Tin Breeches the High Dutch 
 commentators incline to the former opinion ; an d 
 ascribe it to his being the first who introduced into 
 the settlement the ancient Dutch fashion of wearing 
 ten pair of breeches. But the most elegant and inge- 
 nious writers on the subject declare in favour of Tin, 
 or rather Thin Breeches ; from whence they infer, 
 that he was a poor but merry rogue, whose galligaskins 
 were none of the soundest, and who was the identical 
 author of that truly^'philosophical stanza : 
 
 " Then why should we quarrel for riches, 
 
 Or any such glittering toys; 
 A light heart and thin pair of breeches 
 
 Will go through the world, my brave boys!" 
 
 Such was the gallant junto chosen to conduct this 
 voyage into unknown realms, and the whole was put 
 under the superintending care and direction of Oloffe 
 Van Kortlandt, who was held in great reverence 
 among the sages of Communipaw, for the variety and 
 darkness of his knowledge. Having, as I before 
 observed, passed a great part of his life in the open air, 
 
NEW YORK. 69 
 
 among the peripatetic philosophers of Amsterdam, he 
 had become amazingly well acquainted with the aspect 
 of the heavens, and could as accurately determine 
 when a storm was brewing or a squall rising, as a 
 dutiful husband can foresee, from the brow of his spouse, 
 when a tempest is gathering about his ears. He was 
 moreover a great seer of ghosts and goblins, and a 
 firm believer in omens ; but what especially recom- 
 mended him to public confidence, was his marvellous 
 talent of dreaming, for there never was any thing of 
 consequence happened at Communipaw, but what he 
 declared he had previously dreamt it ; being one of 
 those infallible prophets that always predict a thing 
 after it has come to pass. 
 
 This supernatural gift was as highly valued among 
 the burghers of Pavonia, as it was among the en- 
 lightened nations of antiquity. The wise Ulysses 
 was more indebted to his sleeping than his waking 
 moments for all his subtle achievements, and seldom 
 undertook any great exploit, without first soundly 
 sleeping upon it ; and the same may truly be said of 
 the good Van Kortlandt, who was thence aptly deno- 
 minated, Oloffe the Dreamer. 
 
 This cautious commander, having chosen the crews 
 that should accompany him in the proposed expedition, 
 exhorted them to repair to their homes, take a good 
 night's rest, settle all family affairs, and make their 
 wills, before departing on this voyage into unknown 
 realms. And, indeed, this last was a precaution 
 always taken by our forefathers, even in after times, 
 when they became more adventurous, and voyaged 
 to Haverstraw or Kaatskill, or Groodt Esopus, or 
 any other far country that lay beyond the great 
 waters of the Tappaan Zee. 
 
70 HISTORY OF 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 How the Heroes of Commimipaw voyaged to Hell-Gate, and how 
 they were received there. 
 
 AND now the rosy blush of morn began to mantle 
 in the east, and soon the rising sun, emerging from 
 amidst golden and purple clouds, shed his blithesome 
 rays on the tin weathercocks of Commimipaw. It 
 was that delicious season of the year, when nature, 
 breaking from the chilling thraldom of old winter, 
 like a blooming damsel from the tyranny of a sordid 
 old father, threw herself, blushing with ten thousand 
 charms, into the arms of youthful spring. Every 
 tufted copse and blooming grove resounded with the 
 notes of hymeneal love. The very insects, as they 
 sipped the dew that gemmed the tender grass of the 
 meadows, joined in the joyous epithalamium the 
 virgin bud timidly put forth its blushes, ""the voice 
 of the turtle was heard in the land," and the heart of 
 man dissolved away in tenderness. Oh I sweet Theo- 
 critus ! had I thine oaten reed, wherewith thou erst 
 did charm the gay Sicilian plains Or Oh ! gentle 
 Bion ! thy pastoral pipe, wherein the happy swains of 
 the Lesbian isle so much delighted ; then might I 
 attempt to sing in soft Bucolic or negligent Idyllium, 
 the rural beauties of the scene but having nothing, 
 save this jaded goose-quill, wherewith to wing my 
 flight, I must fain resign all poetic disportings of the 
 fancy, and pursue my narrative in humble prose ; 
 comforting myself with the hope, that though it may 
 not steal so sweetly upon the imagination of my 
 reader, yet may it commend itself, with virgin modesty, 
 to his better judgment, clothed in the chaste and 
 simple garb of truth. 
 
 No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phoebus 
 dart into the windows of Communipaw, than the little 
 
NEW YORK* 71 
 
 settlement was all in motion. Forth issued from his 
 castle the sage Van Kortlandt, and seizing a conch- 
 shell, blew a far resounding blast, that soon summoned 
 all his lusty followers. Then did they trudge reso- 
 lutely down to the waterside, escorted by a multitude 
 of relatives and friends, who all went down, as the 
 common phrase expresses it, " to see them off." And 
 this shows the antiquity of those long family pro- 
 cessions, often seen in our city, composed of all ages, 
 sizes, and sexes, laden with bundles and band-boxes, 
 escorting some bevy of country cousins, about to 
 depart for home in a market boat. 
 
 The good Oloffe bestowed his forces in a squadron 
 of three canoes, and hoisted his flag on board a little 
 round Dutch boat, shaped not unlike a tub, which 
 had formerly been the jolly-boat of the Goede Vrouw. 
 And now, all being embarked, they bid farewell to 
 the gazing throng upon the beach, who continued 
 shouting after them, even when out of hearing, wish- 
 ing them a happy voyage, advising them to take good 
 care of themselves, not to get drowned with an 
 abundance other of those sage and invaluable cautions 
 generally given by landsmen to such as go down to the 
 sea in ships, and adventure upon the deep waters. In 
 the mean while, the voyagers cheerily urged their 
 course across the crystal bosom of the bay, and 
 soon left behind them the green shores of ancient 
 Pavonia. 
 
 And first they touched at two small islands which 
 lie nearly opposite Communipaw, and which are 
 said to have been brought into existence about the 
 time of the great irruption of the Hudson, when it 
 broke through the Highlands, and made its way to 
 the ocean '*. For in this tremendous uproar of the 
 
 * It is a matter long since established by certain of our philoso- 
 phers, that is to say, having been often advanced, and never con- 
 
72 HISTORY OF 
 
 waters, we are told that many huge fragments of rock 
 and land were rent from the mountains, and swept 
 down by this runaway river for sixty or seventy miles ; 
 where some of them ran aground on the shoals just 
 opposite Communipaw, and formed the identical islands 
 in question, while others drifted out to sea, and were 
 never heard of more ! A sufficient proof of the fact 
 is, that the rock which forms the basis of these islands, 
 is exactly similar to that of the Highlands ; and, more- 
 over, one of our philosophers, who has diligently 
 compared the agreement of their respective surfaces, 
 has even gone so far as to assure me, in confidence, 
 that Gibbet Island was originally nothing more nor 
 less than a wart on Anthony's Nose *. 
 
 Leaving these wonderful little isles, they next 
 coasted by Governor's Island, since terrible from its 
 frowning fortress and grinning batteries. They would 
 by no means, however, land upon this island, since 
 they doubted much it might be the abode of demons 
 and" spirits, which in those days did greatly abound 
 throughout this savage and pagan country. 
 
 Just at this time, a shoal of jolly porpoises came 
 rolling and tumbling by, turning up their sleek sides 
 in the sun, and spouting up the briny element in 
 sparkling showers. No sooner did the sage Oloife 
 mark this, than he was greatly rejoiced. " This," 
 
 tradicted, it has grown to be pretty nigh equal to a settled fact, that 
 the Hudson was originally a lake, datnined up by the mountains of 
 the Highlands. In process of time, however, becoming very 
 mighty and obstreperous, and the mountains waxing pursy, drop- 
 sical, and weak in the back, by reason of their extreme old age, it 
 suddenly rose upon them, and after a violent struggle, effected its 
 escape. This is said to have come to pass in very remote time, 
 probably before that rivers had lost the art of running up hill. The 
 foregoing is a theory in which I do not pretend to be skilled, not- 
 withstanding that I do fully give it my belief. 
 * A promontory in the Highlands, 
 
NEW YORK. 73 
 
 exclaimed he, " if I mistake not, augurs well the 
 porpoise is a fat, well-conditioned fish a burgomaster 
 among fishes his looks betoken ease, plenty, and 
 prosperity I greatly admire this round fat fish, and 
 doubt not but this is a happy omen of the success of 
 our undertaking." So saying, he directed his squadron 
 to steer in the track of these aldermen fishes. 
 
 Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they swept 
 up the strait, vulgarly called the East River. And 
 here the rapid tide which courses through this strait, 
 seizing on the gallant tub in which Commodore Van 
 Kortlandt had embarked, hurried it forward with a 
 velocity unparalleled in a Dutch boat, navigated by 
 Dutchmen ; insomuch, that the good commodore, who 
 had all his life long been accustomed only to the 
 drowsy navigation of canals, was more than ever con- 
 vinced that they were in the hands of some superna- 
 tural power, and that the jolly porpoises were towing 
 them to some fair haven that was to fulfil all their 
 wishes and expectations. 
 
 Thus borne away by the resistless current, they 
 doubled that boisterous point of land, since called 
 Corlear's Hook *, and leaving to the right the rich 
 winding cove of the Wallabout, where our infant navy 
 is nowadays put out to nurse, they drifted into a mag- 
 nificent expanse of water, surrounded by pleasant 
 shores, whose verdure was exceedingly refreshing to 
 the eye. While the voyagers were looking around 
 them, on what they conceived to be a serene and 
 sunny lake, they beheld, at a distance, a crew of 
 painted savages, busily employed in fishing, who 
 seemed more like the genii of this romantic region 
 their slender canoe lightly balanced like a feather on 
 the undulating surface of the bay. 
 
 * Properly spelt hoeck, i. e. a point of land. 
 
74 HISTORY OF 
 
 At sight of these, the hearts of the heroes of Com- 
 munipaw were not a little troubled. But as good 
 fortune would have it, at the bow of the commodore's 
 boat was stationed a very valiant man, named Hen- 
 drick Kip (which being interpreted, means chicken, a 
 name given him in token of his courage). No sooner 
 did he behold these varlet heathens than he trembled 
 with excessive valour, and, although a good half-mile 
 distance, he seized a musquetoon that lay at hand, 
 and turning away his head, fired it most intrepidly in 
 the face of the blessed sun. The blundering weapon 
 recoiled, and gave the valiant Kip an ignominious kick 
 that laid him prostrate with uplifted heels in the bot- 
 tom of the boat. But such was the effect of this tre- 
 mendous fire, that the wild men of the woods, struck 
 with consternation, seized hastily upon their paddles, 
 and shot away into one of the deep inlets of the Long 
 Island shore. 
 
 This signal victory gave new spirits to the hardy 
 voyagers, and in honour of the achievement they gave 
 the name of the valiant Kip to the surrounding bay, 
 and it has continued to be called KIP'S BAY, from 
 that time to the present. The heart of the good Van 
 Kortlandt who, having no land of his own, was a 
 great admirer of other people's expanded at the 
 sumptuous prospect of rich unsettled country around 
 him, and, falling into a delicious reverie, he straight- 
 way began to riot in the possession of vast meadows' 
 of salt marsh and interminable patches of cabbages. 
 From this delectable vision he was all at once awak- 
 ened by the sudden turning of the tide, which would 
 soon have hurried him from this land of promise, had 
 not the discreet navigator given signal to steer for 
 shore ; where they accordingly landed hard by the 
 rocky heights of Bellevue that happy retreat, \vhere 
 our jolly aldermen eat for the good of the city, and 
 
NEW YORK. 75 
 
 fatten the turtle that are sacrificed on civic solem- 
 nities. 
 
 Here, seated on the green sward, by the side of a 
 small stream that ran sparkling among the grass, they 
 refreshed themselves after the toils of the seas, by 
 feasting lustily on the ample stores which they had 
 provided for this perilous voyage. Thus having well 
 fortified their deliberative powers, they fell into an 
 earnest consultation, what was further to be done. 
 This was the first council dinner ever eaten at Belle- 
 vue by Christian burghers ; and here, as tradition 
 relates, did originate the great family feud between 
 the Hardenbroecks and the Tenbroecks, which after- 
 wards had a singular influence on the building of the 
 city. The sturdy Hardenbroeck, whose eyes had been 
 wondrously delighted with the salt marshes that spread 
 their reeking bosoms along the coast, at the bottom of 
 Kip's Bay, counselled by all means to return thither, 
 and found the intended city. This was strenuously 
 opposed by the unbending Tenbroeck, and many 
 testy arguments passed between them. The parti- 
 culars of this controversy have not reached us, which 
 is ever to be lamented ; this much is certain, that the 
 sage Oloffe put an end to the dispute, by determining 
 to explore still further in the route which the myste- 
 rious porpoises had so clearly pointed out ; whereupon 
 the sturdy Tough Breeches abandoned the expedition, 
 took possession of a neighbouring hill, and in a fit of 
 great wrath peopled all that tract of country, which 
 has continued to be inhabited by the Hardenbroecks 
 unto this very day. 
 
 By this time the jolly Phoebus, like some wanton 
 urchin sporting on the side of a green hill, began to 
 roll down the declivity of the heavens ; and now, the 
 tide having once more turned in their favour, the 
 resolute Pavonians again committed themselves to its 
 
76 HISTORY OF 
 
 discretion, and coasting along the western shores were 
 borne towards the straits of Blackwell's Island. 
 
 And here the capricious wanderings of the current 
 occasioned not a little marvel and perplexity to these 
 illustrious mariners. Now would they be caught by 
 the wanton eddies, and, sweeping round a jutting 
 point, would wind deep into some romantic little cove 
 that indented the fair island of Manna-hatta, now 
 were they hurried narrowly by the very bases of im- 
 pending rocks, mantled with the flaunting grape vine, 
 and crowned with groves that threw a broad shade on 
 the waves beneath ; and anon they were borne away 
 into the mid-channel, and wafted along with a rapidity 
 that very much discomposed the sage Van Kortlandt, 
 who, as he saw the land swiftly receding on either 
 side, began exceedingly to doubt that terra firma was 
 giving them the slip. 
 
 Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a new 
 creation seemed to bloom around. No signs of human 
 thrift appeared to check the delicious wildness of 
 nature, who here revelled in all her luxuriant variety. 
 Those hills now bristled, like the fretful porcupine, 
 with rows of poplars, (vain, upstart plants ! minions 
 of wealth and fashion !) were then adorned with the 
 vigorous natives of the soil. The lordly oak, the 
 generous chestnut, the graceful elm while here and 
 there the tulip -tree reared his majestic head the 
 giant of the forest where now are seen the gay 
 retreats of luxury villas half-buried in twilight 
 bowers, whence the amorous flute oft breathes the 
 sighings of some city swain there the fish-hawk built 
 his solitary nest on some dry tree that overlooked his 
 watery domain. The timid deer fed undisturbed along 
 those shores now hallowed by the lover's moonlight 
 walk, and printed by the slender foot of beauty ; and 
 a savage solitude extended over those happy regions, 
 
NEW YORK. 77 
 
 where now are reared the stately towers of the Joneses, 
 the Schermerhornes and the Rhinelanders. 
 
 Thus gliding in silent wonder through these new 
 and unknown scenes, the gallant squadron of Pavonia 
 swept by the foot of a promontory, that strutted forth 
 boldly into the waves, and seemed to frown upon them 
 as they brawled against its base. This is the bluff 
 well known to modern mariners by the name of 
 Grade's point, from the fair castle which, like an ele- 
 phant, it carries upon its back. And here broke upon 
 their view a wild and varied prospect, where land and 
 water were beauteously intermingled, as though they 
 had combined to heighten and set off each other's 
 charms. To their right lay the sedgy point of Black- 
 well's Island, dressed in the fresh garniture of living 
 green : beyond it stretched the pleasant coast of 
 Sundswick, and the small harbour well known by the 
 name of Hallet's cove a place infamous, in latter 
 days, by reason of its being the haunt of pirates who 
 infest these seas, robbing orchards and water-melon 
 patches, and insulting gentlemen navigators, when 
 voyaging in their pleasure-boats. To the left a deep 
 bay, or rather creek, gracefully receded between shores 
 fringed with forests, and forming a kind of vista, 
 through which were beheld the sylvan regions of 
 Haerlem, Morrissania, and East Chester. Here the 
 eye reposed with delight on a richly wooded country, 
 diversified by tufted knolls, shadowy intervals, and 
 waving lines of upland, swelling above each other ; 
 while over the whole, the purple mists of spring dif- 
 fused a hue of soft voluptuousness. 
 
 Just before them the grand course of the stream 
 making a sudden bend, wound among embowered 
 promontories and shores of emerald verdure, that 
 seemed to melt into the wave. A character of gen- 
 tleness and mild fertility prevailed around. The sun 
 
78 HISTORY OF 
 
 had just descended, and the thin haze of twilight, 
 like a transparent veil drawn over the bosom of 
 virgin beauty, heightened the charms which it half 
 concealed. 
 
 Ah ! witching scenes of foul delusion ! Ah ! hap- 
 less voyagers, gazing with simple wonder on these 
 Circean shores ! Such, alas ! are they, poor easy 
 souls, who listen to the seductions of a wicked world 
 treacherous are its smiles ! fatal its caresses. He 
 who yields to its enticements launches upon a whelm- 
 ing tide, and trusts his feeble bark among the dim- 
 pling eddies of a whirlpool I And thus it fared with 
 the worthies of Pavonia, who, little mistrusting the 
 guileful scene before them, drifted quietly on, until 
 they were aroused by an uncommon tossing and agi- 
 tation of their vessels. For now the late dimpling 
 current began to brawl around them, and the waves 
 to boil and foam with horrific fury. Awakened as if 
 from a dream, the astonished Oloffe bawled aloud to 
 put about, but his words were lost amid the roaring of 
 the waters. And now ensued a scene of direful con- 
 sternation : at one time they were borne with dread- 
 ful velocity, among tumultuous breakers, at another 
 hurried down boisterous rapids. Now they were 
 nearly dashed upon the Hen and Chickens (infamous 
 rocks ! more voracious than Scylla and her whelps) ; 
 and anon they seemed sinking into yawning gulfs, 
 that threatened to entomb them beneath the waves. 
 All the elements combined to produce a hideous con- 
 fusion. The waters raged the winds howled and 
 as they were hurried along, several of the astonished 
 mariners beheld the rocks and trees of the neighbour- 
 ing shores, driving through the air ! 
 
 At length the mighty tub of Commodore Van 
 Kortlandt was drawn into the vortex of that tremen- 
 dous whirlpool called the Pot, where it was whirled 
 
NEW YORK. 79 
 
 about in giddy mazes, until the senses of the good 
 commander and his crew were overpowered by the 
 horror of the scene, and the strangeness of the revo- 
 lution. 
 
 How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was snatched 
 from the jaws of this modern Charybdis, has never 
 been truly made known ; for so many survived to tell 
 the tale, and, what is still more wonderful, told it in 
 so many different ways, that there has ever prevailed 
 a great variety of opinions on the subject. 
 
 As to the commodore and his crew, when they 
 came to* their senses they found themselves stranded 
 on the Long Island shore. The worthy commodore, 
 indeed, used to relate many and wonderful stories of 
 his adventures in this time of peril, which, by his 
 account, did far exceed those of the sage Ulysses, in 
 the straits of Charybdis. For he saw spectres flying 
 in the air, and heard the yelling of hobgoblins, and 
 put his hand into the pot when they were whirled 
 around, and found the water scalding hot, and beheld 
 several uncouth looking beings seated on rocks, and 
 skimming it with huge ladles ; but particularly he 
 declared with great exultation, that he saw the losel 
 porpoises, which had betrayed them into this peril, 
 some broiling on the gridiron, and others hissing in 
 the frying-pan. 
 
 These, however, were considered by many as mere 
 phantasies of the commodore's imagination, while he 
 lay in a trance ; especially as he was known to be 
 given to dreaming ; and the truth of them has never 
 been clearly ascertained. It is certain, however, that 
 to the accounts of Oloffe and his followers may be 
 traced the various traditions handed down of this 
 marvellous strait, as how the devil has been seen 
 there, sitting astride of the hog's back and playing on 
 the fiddle how he broils fish there before a storm ; 
 
80 HISTORY OF 
 
 and many other stories, in which we must be cautious 
 of putting- too much faith. In consequence of all 
 these terrific circumstances, the Pavonian commander 
 gave this pass the name of Helle-gat, or as it has 
 been interpreted, Hell-gate * ; which it continues to 
 bear at the present day. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 How the Heroes of Commimipaw returned somewhat wiser than 
 they went and how the sage Oloffe dreamed a Dream and 
 the Dream that he dreamed. 
 
 THE darkness of night had closed upon this disas- 
 trous day, and doleful night was it to the. shipwrecked 
 Pavonians, whose ears were incessantly assailed with 
 the ragingof the elements, and the howling of the hob- 
 goblins that infested this perfidious strait. But when 
 the morning dawned, the horrors of the preceding 
 evening had passed away ; rapids, breakers, and whirl- 
 pools had disappeared ; the stream again ran smooth 
 and dimpling, and having changed its tide, rolled 
 
 * This is a narrow strait in the sound, at the distance of six 
 miles above New York. It is dangerous to shipping, unless under 
 the care of skilful pilots, by reason of numerous rocks, shelves, and 
 whirlpools. These have received sundry appellations, such as the 
 gridiron, frying-pan, hog's back, pot, &c. ; and are very violent and 
 turbulent at certain times of tide. Certain wise men who instruct 
 these modern days have softened the above characteristic name into 
 Hurl-gate, which means nothing. I leave them to give their 
 own etymology. The name as given by our author is supported 
 by the map in Vander Donck's history, published in 1656, by 
 Ogilvie's History of America, 1671, as also by a journal still 
 extant, written in the 16th century, and to be found in Hazard's 
 State Papers. And an old MS. written in French, speaking of 
 various alterations in names about this city, observes, " De Hull- 
 gat, trou d'Enfer, ils ont fait Hell-gate, porte d'Enfer." 
 
NEW YORK. 81 
 
 gently back, towards the quarter where lay their 
 much regretted home. 
 
 The woe-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed each 
 other with rueful countenances ; their squadron had 
 been totally dispersed by the late disaster. Some 
 were cast upon the western shore, where, headed by 
 one Ruleff Hopper, they took possession of all the 
 country lying about the six mile stone ; which is held 
 by the Hoppers at this present writing. 
 
 The Waldrons were driven by stress of weather to 
 a distant coast, where, having with them a jug of 
 genuine Hollands, they were enabled to conciliate the 
 savages, setting up a kind of tavern ; from whence, it 
 is said, did spring the fair town of Haerlem, in which 
 their descendants have ever since continued to be 
 reputable publicans. As to the Suydams, they were 
 thrown upon the Long Island coast, and may still be 
 found in those parts. But the most singular luck 
 attended the great Tenbroeck, who, falling overboard, 
 was miraculously preserved from sinking by the mul^ 
 titude of his nether garments. Thus buoyed up, 
 he floated on the waves, like a merman, until he 
 landed safely on a rock, where he was found the 
 next morning, busily drying his many breeches in the 
 sunshine. 
 
 I forbear to treat of the long consultation of our 
 adventurers how they determined that it would not 
 do to found a city in this diabolical neighbourhood, 
 and how at length, with fear and trembling, they ven 
 tured once more upon the briny element, and steered 
 their course back for Communipaw. Suffice it, in 
 simple brevity, to say, that after toiling back through 
 the scenes of their yesterday's voyage, they at length 
 opened the southern point of Manna-hata, and gained 
 a distant view of their beloved Communipaw. 
 
 And here they were opposed by an obstinate eddy, 
 
82 THE HISTORY OF 
 
 that resisted all the efforts of the exhausted mariners. 
 Weary and dispirited, they could no longer make 
 head against the power of the tide, or rather, as some 
 will have it, of old Neptune, who, anxious to guide 
 them to a spot whereon should be founded his strong 
 hold in this western world, sent half a score of potent 
 billows, that rolled the tub of Commodore Van Kort- 
 landt high and dry on the shores of Manna-hata. 
 
 Having thus in a manner been guided by a super- 
 natural power to this delightsome island, their first 
 care was to light a fire at the foot of a large tree, that 
 stood upon the point at present called the battery. 
 Then gathering together great store of oysters which 
 abounded on the shore, and emptying the contents of 
 their wallets, they prepared and made a sumptuous 
 council repast. The worthy Van Kortlandt was ob- 
 served to be particularly zealous in his devotions to 
 the trencher ; for having the cares of the expedition 
 especially committed to his care, he deemed it incum- 
 bent on him to eat profoundly for the public good. 
 In proportion as he filled himself to the very brim 
 with the dainty viands before him did the heart of 
 this excellent Burgher seem to rise up towards his 
 throat, until he seemed crammed and almost choked 
 with good eating and good nature. And at such 
 times it is, when a man's heart is in his throat, that 
 he may more truly be said to speak from it, and his 
 speeches abound with kindness and good fellowship. 
 Thus the worthy Oloffe having swallowed the last 
 possible morsel, and washed it down with a fervent 
 potation, felt his heart yearning, and his whole frame 
 in a manner dilating with unbounded benevolence. 
 Every thing around him seemed excellent and de- 
 lightful; and, laying his hands on each side of his 
 capacious periphery, and rolling his half-closed eyes 
 around on the beautiful diversity of land and water 
 
NEW YORK. 83 
 
 before him, he exclaimed, in a fat half-smothered 
 voice, " What a charming prospect I" The words 
 died away in his throat he seemed to ponder on the 
 fair scene for a moment his eyelids heavily closed 
 over their orbs his head drooped upon his bosom-^ 
 he slowly sunk upon the green turf, and a deep sleep 
 stole gradually upon him. 
 
 And the sage Oloffe dreamed a dream and lo, 
 the good St. Nicholas came riding over the tops of 
 the trees, in that selfsame wagon wherein he brings 
 his yearly presents to children ; and he came and 
 descended hard by where the heroes of Communipaw 
 had made their late repast. And the shrewd Van 
 Kortlandt knew him by his broad hat, his long pipe, 
 and the resemblance which he bore to the figure on 
 the bow of the Goede Vrouw. And he lit his pipe 
 by the fire, and he sat himself down and smoked; 
 and as he smoked the smoke from his pipe ascended 
 into the air and spread like a cloud overhead. And 
 the sage Oloffe bethought him, and he hastened and 
 climbed up to the top of one of the tallest trees, and 
 saw that the smoke spread over a great extent of 
 country ; and as he considered it more attentively, he 
 fancied that the great volume of smoke assumed a 
 variety of marvellous forms, where in dim obscurity 
 he saw shadowed out palaces and domes and lofty 
 spires, all which lasted but a moment, and then faded 
 away, until the whole rolled off, and nothing but the 
 green woods were left. And when St. Nicholas had 
 smoked his pipe, he twisted it in his hatband, and 
 laying his finger beside his nose, gave the astonished 
 Van Kortlandt a very significant look ; then mounting 
 his wagon, he returned over the tree tops and dis- 
 appeared. 
 
 And Van Kortlandt awoke from his sleep greatly 
 instructed, and he aroused his companions and related 
 G 2 
 
84 HISTORY OF 
 
 to them his dream : and interpreted it that it was the 
 will of St. Nicholas that they should settle down and 
 build the city here. And that the smoke of the pipe 
 was a type how vast should be the extent of the city ; 
 inasmuch as the volumes of its smoke should spread 
 over a vast extent of country. And they all with 
 one voice assented to the interpretation, excepting 
 Mynheer Tenbroeck, who declared the meaning to be 
 that it should be a city wherein a little fire should 
 occasion a great smoke, or, in other words, a very 
 vapouring little city both which interpretations have 
 strangely come to pass ! 
 
 The great object of their perilous expedition, there- 
 fore, being thus happily accomplished, the voyagers 
 returned merrily to Communipaw, where they were 
 received with great rejoicings. And here calling a 
 general meeting of all the wise men and the digni- 
 taries of Pavonia, they related the whole history of 
 their voyage and of the dream of Oloffe Van Kort- 
 landt. And the people lifted up their voices and 
 blessed the good St. Nicholas, and from that time 
 forth the sage Van Kortlandt was held in more 
 honour than ever for his great talent at dreaming, 
 and was pronounced a most useful citizen and a right" 
 good man when he was asleep. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Containing an Attempt at Etymology and of the Foundation of 
 the great City of New Amsterdam. 
 
 THE original name of the island, whereon the 
 squadron of Communipaw was thus propitiously 
 thrown, is a matter of some dispute, and has already 
 undergone considerable vitiation a melancholy proof 
 
NEW YORK. 85 
 
 of the instability of all sublunary things, and the 
 vanity of all our hopes of lasting fame ; for who can 
 expect his name will live to posterity, when even the 
 names of mighty islands are thus soon lost in contra- 
 diction and uncertainty ! 
 
 The name most current at the present day, and 
 which is likewise countenanced by the great historian 
 Vander Donck, is Manhattan ; which is said to have 
 originated in a custom among the squaws, in the early 
 settlement, of wearing men's hats, as is still done 
 among many tribes. " Hence," as we are told by an 
 old governor, who was somewhat of a wag, and 
 flourished almost a century since, and had paid a 
 visit to the wits of Philadelphia " Hence arose the 
 appellation of man-hat-on, first given to the Indians, 
 and afterwards to the island :" a stupid joke ! but 
 well enough for a governor. 
 
 Among the more venerable sources of information 
 on this subject, is that valuable history of the Ame- 
 rican possessions, written by Master Richard Blome, 
 in 1687 *, wherein it is called Manhadaes and Mana- 
 hanent ; nor must I forget the excellent little book, 
 full of precious matter, of that authentic historian, 
 John Josselyn, Gent.-)-, who expressly calls it Man- 
 hadaes. 
 
 Another etymology still more ancient, and sanc- 
 tioned by the countenance of our ever-to-be-lamented 
 Dutch ancestors, is that found in certain letters still 
 extant J ; which passed between the early governors 
 and the neighbouring powers, wherein it is called in- 
 differently Monhattoes, Munhatos, and Manhattoes, 
 which are evidently unimportant variations of the 
 
 * This history is to be found in the library of the New York 
 Historical Society, 
 f Idem. 
 % Vide Hazard's Col. Stat. Pap, 
 
86 HISTORY OF 
 
 same name ; for our wise forefathers set little store 
 by those niceties either in orthography or orthoepy, 
 which form the sole study and ambition of many 
 learned men and women of this hypercritical age. 
 This last name is said to be derived from the great 
 Indian spirit Manetho ; who was supposed to make 
 this island his favourite abode on account of its un- 
 common delights. For the Indian traditions affirm, 
 that the bay was once a translucid lake filled with 
 silver and golden fish, in the midst of which lay this 
 beautiful island, covered with every variety of fruits 
 and flowers ; but that the sudden irruption of the 
 Hudson laid waste these blissful scenes, and Manetho 
 took his flight beyond the great waters of Ontario. 
 
 These, however, are fabulous legends, to which very 
 cautious credence must be given ; and although I am 
 willing to admit the last quoted orthography of the 
 name,~as very suitable for prose, yet is there another 
 one founded on still more ancient and indisputable 
 authority, which I particularly delight in, seeing that 
 it is at once poetical, melodious, and significant : and 
 this is recorded in the before-mentioned voyage of the 
 great Hudson, written by Master Juet : who clearly 
 and correctly calls it MANNAHATA ; that is to say, 
 the island of Manna, or, in other words, " a land 
 flowing with milk and honey ! " 
 
 It having been solemnly resolved that the seat of 
 empire should be transferred from the green shores of 
 Pavonia to this delectable island, a vast multitude 
 embarked and migrated across the Hudson, under the 
 guidance of Oloffe the Dreamer, who was appointed 
 protector or patron to the new settlement. 
 
 And here let me bear testimony to the matchless 
 honesty and magnanimity of our worthy forefathers, 
 who purchased the soil of the native Indians, before 
 erecting a single roof; a circumstance singular and 
 
NEW YORK. 87 
 
 almost incredible in the annals of discovery and colo- 
 nisation. 
 
 The first settlement was made on the southwest 
 point of the island, on the very spot where the good St. 
 Nicholas had appeared in the dream. Here they built 
 a mighty and impregnable fort and trading house, 
 called Fort Amsterdam, which stood on that eminence 
 at present occupied by the custom house, with the 
 open space now called the bowling-green, in front. 
 
 Around this potent fortress was soon seen a nume- 
 rous progeny of little Dutch houses, with tiled roofs, 
 all which seemed most lovingly to nestle under its 
 walls, like a brood of half-fledged chickens sheltered 
 under the wings of the mother hen. The whole was 
 surrounded by an enclosure of strong palisadoes, to 
 guard against any sudden irruption of the savages who 
 wandered in hordes about the swamps and forests, 
 that extended over those tracts of country at present 
 called Broadway, Wall Street, William Street, and 
 Pearl Street. 
 
 No sooner was the colony once planted than it took 
 root and throve amazingly, for it would seem that this 
 thrice favoured island is like a munificent dunghill, 
 where every foreign weed finds kindly nourishment, 
 and soon shoots up, and expands to greatness. 
 
 And now the infant settlement having advanced in 
 age and stature, it was thought high time it should 
 receive an honest Christian name, and it was accord- 
 ingly called New Amsterdam. It is true there were 
 some advocates for the original Indian name, and many 
 of the best writers of the province did long continue 
 to call it by the title of " The Manhattoes," but this 
 was discountenanced by the authorities, as being 
 heathenish and savage. Besides, it was considered 
 an excellent and praiseworthy measure to name it 
 after a great city of the old world ; as by that means 
 
88 HISTORY OF 
 
 it was induced to emulate the greatness and renown 
 of its namesake in the manner that little snivelling 
 urchins are called after great statesmen, saints, and 
 worthies, and renowned generals of yore, upon which 
 they all industriously copy their examples, and come 
 to be very mighty men in their day and generation. 
 
 The thriving state of the settlement and the rapid 
 increase of houses gradually awakened the good Oloffe 
 from a deep lethargy, into which he had fallen after 
 the building of the fort. He now began to think it 
 was time some plan should be devised, on which the 
 increasing town should be built. Summoning, there- 
 fore, his counsellors and coadjutors together, they 
 took pipe in mouth, and forthwith sunk into a very 
 sound deliberation on the subject. 
 
 At the very outset of the business an unexpected dif- 
 ference of opinion arose, and I mention it with much 
 sorrowing, as being the first altercation on record in 
 the councils of New Amsterdam. It was a breaking 
 forth of the grudge and heartburning that had existed 
 between those two eminent burghers, Mynheers Ten- 
 broeck and Hardenbroeck, ever since their unhappy 
 altercation on the coast of Bellevue. The great 
 Hardenbroeck had waxed very wealthy and powerful 
 from his domains, which embraced the whole chain of 
 Apulean mountains that stretch along the gulf of 
 Kip's Bay, and from part of which his descendants 
 have been expelled in latter ages by the powerful 
 clans of the Joneses and the Schermerhornes. 
 
 An ingenious plan for the city was offered by 
 Mynheer Tenbroeck, who proposed that it should be 
 cut up and intersected by canals, after the manner of 
 the most admired cities in Holland. To this Mynheer 
 Hardenbroeck was diametrically opposed, suggesting 
 in place thereof that they should run out docks and 
 wharfs, by means of piles, driven into the bottom of 
 
NEW YORK. 89 
 
 the river, on which the town should be built. " By 
 these means," said he triumphantly, " shall we rescue 
 a considerable space of territory from these immense 
 rivers, and build a city that shall rival Amsterdam, 
 Venice, or any amphibious city in Europe." To this 
 proposition Tenbroeck (or Ten Breeches) replied, 
 with a look of as much scorn as he could possibly 
 assume. He cast the utmost censure upon the plan 
 of his antagonist, as being preposterous, and against 
 the very order of things, as he would leave to every 
 true Hollander. " For what," said he, " is a town 
 without canals ? It is like a body without veins and 
 arteries, and must perish for want of a free circulation 
 of the vital fluid." Tough Breeches, on the contrary, 
 retorted with a sarcasm upon his antagonist, who was 
 somewhat of an arid, dry-boned habit ; he remarked, 
 that as to the circulation of the blood being necessary 
 to existence, Mynheer Ten Breeches was a living 
 contradiction to his own assertion ; for every body 
 knew there had not a drop of blood circulated through 
 his wind-dried carcass for good ten years, and yet 
 there was not a greater busybody in the whole colony. 
 Personalities have seldom much effect in making 
 converts in argument ; nor have I ever seen a man 
 convinced of error by being convicted of deformity. 
 At least, such was not the case at present. Ten 
 Breeches was very acrimonious in reply, and Tough 
 Breeches, who was a sturdy little man, and never 
 gave up the last word, rejoined with increasing spirit 
 Ten Breeches had the advantage of the greatest volu- 
 bility, but Tough Breeches had that invaluable coat 
 of mail in argument called obstinacy Ten Breeches 
 had, therefore, the most mettle, but Tough Breeches 
 the best bottom so that though Ten Breeches made 
 a dreadful clattering about his ears, and battered and 
 belaboured him with hard words and sound arguments ; 
 
90 HISTORY OF 
 
 yet Tough Breeches hung on most resolutely to the 
 last. They parted, therefore, as is usual in all argu- 
 ments where both parties are in the right, without 
 coming to any conclusion ; but they hated each other 
 most heartily for ever after, and a similar breach with 
 that between the houses of Capulet and Montague 
 did ensue between the families of Ten Breeches and 
 Tough Breeches. 
 
 I would not fatigue my reader with these dull 
 matters of fact, but that my duty as a faithful historian 
 requires that I should be particular ; and, in truth, as 
 I am now treating of the critical period, when our 
 city, like a young twig, first received the twists and 
 turns, that have since contributed to give it the 
 present picturesque irregularity for which it is cele- 
 brated, I cannot be too minute in detailing their first 
 causes. 
 
 After the unhappy altercation I have just men- 
 tioned, I do not find that any thing further was said 
 on the subject worthy of being recorded. The council, 
 consisting of the largest and oldest heads in the com- 
 munity, met regularly once a week, to ponder on this 
 momentous subject ; but either they were deterred by 
 the war of words they had witnessed, or they were 
 naturally averse to the exercise of the tongue, and the 
 consequent exercise of the brains certain it is, the 
 most profound silence was maintained the question 
 as usual lay on the table the members quietly smoked 
 their pipes, making but few laws, without ever en- 
 forcing any, and in the mean time the affairs of the 
 settlement went on as it pleased God. 
 
 As most of the council were but little skilled in the 
 mystery of combining pothooks and hangers, they 
 determined, most judiciously, not to puzzle either 
 themselves or posterity with voluminous records. 
 The secretary, however, kept the minutes of the 
 
NEW YORK. 91 
 
 council with tolerable precision, in a large vellum 
 folio, fastened with massy brass clasps ; the journal of 
 each meeting consisted but of two lines, stating, in 
 Dutch, that " the council sat this day, and smoked 
 twelve pipes on the affairs of the colony," By which 
 it appears that the first settlers did not regulate their 
 time by hours, but pipes, in the same manner as they 
 measure distances in Holland at this very time ; an 
 admirably exact measurement, as a pipe in the mouth 
 of a true born Dutchman is never liable to those acci- 
 dents and irregularities that are continually putting 
 our clocks out of order. 
 
 In this manner did the profound council of New- 
 Amsterdam smoke, and doze, and ponder, from week 
 to week, month to month, and year to year, in what 
 manner they should construct their infant settlement : 
 meanwhile, the town took care of itself, and like a 
 sturdy brat which is suffered to run about wild, un- 
 shackled by clouts and bandages, and other abomina- 
 tions, by which your notable nurses and sage old 
 women cripple and disfigure the children of men, 
 increased so rapidly in strength and magnitude, that 
 before the honest burgomasters had determined upon 
 a plan, it was too late to put it in execution where- 
 upon they wisely abandoned the subject altogether. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 How the City of New Amsterdam waxed great under the Protec- 
 tion of Oloffe the Dreamer. 
 
 THERE is something exceedingly delusive in thus 
 looking back, through the long vista of departed 
 years, and catching a glimpse of the fairy realms of 
 antiquity that lie beyond. Like some goodly land- 
 
 
92 HISTORY OF 
 
 scape melted into distance, they receive a thousand 
 charms from their very obscurity, and the fancy 
 delights to fill up their outlines with graces and 
 excellences of its own creation. Thus beam on my 
 imagination those happier days of our city, when as 
 yet New Amsterdam was a mere pastoral town, 
 shrouded in groves of sycamore and willows, and 
 surrounded by trackless forests and wide-spreading 
 waters, that seemed to shut out all the cares and 
 vanities of a wicked world. 
 
 In those days did this embryo city present the rare 
 and noble spectacle of a community governed without 
 laws ; and thus being left to its own course, and the 
 fostering care of providence, increased as rapidly as 
 though it had been burdened with a dozen panniers 
 full of those sage laws that are usually heaped on the 
 backs of young cities in order to make them grow. 
 And in this particular I greatly admire the wisdom 
 and sound knowledge of human nature, displayed by 
 the sage Oloife the Dreamer, and his fellow legislators. 
 For my part, I have not so bad an opinion of mankind 
 as many of my brother philosophers. I do not think 
 poor human nature so sorry a piece of workmanship 
 as they would make it out to be ; and as far as I have 
 observed, I am fully satisfied that man, if left to him- 
 self, would about as readily go right as wrong. It is 
 only this eternally sounding in his ears that it is his 
 duty to go right, that makes him go the very reverse. 
 The noble independence of his nature revolts at this 
 intolerable tyranny of law, and the perpetual interfe- 
 rence of officious morality, which is ever besetting his 
 path with finger-posts and directions to " keep to the 
 right, as the law directs ;" and like a spirited urchin, 
 he turns directly contrary, and gallops through mud 
 and mire, over hedges and ditches, merely to show that 
 he is a lad of spirit, and out of his leading strings. 
 
ISJLW YORK. 93 
 
 And these opinions are amply substantiated by what 
 I have above said of our worthy ancestors ; who never 
 being be-preached and be-lectured, and guided and 
 governed by statutes and laws and by-laws, as are 
 their more enlightened descendants, did one and all 
 demean themselves honestly and peaceably, out of pure 
 ignorance, or, in other words because they knew no 
 better. 
 
 Nor must I omit to record one of the earliest 
 measures of this infant settlement, inasmuch as it 
 shows the piety of our forefathers, and that, like 
 good Christians, they were always ready to serve 
 God, after they had first served themselves. Thus, 
 having quietly settled themselves down, and provided 
 for their own comfort, they bethought themselves 
 of testifying their gratitude to the great and good 
 St. Nicholas, for his protecting care, in guiding them 
 to this delectable abode. To this end they built a 
 fair and goodly chapel within the fort, which they 
 consecrated to his name ; whereupon he immediately 
 took the town of New Amsterdam under his peculiar 
 patronage, and he has ever since been, and I devoutly 
 hope will ever be, the tutelar saint of this excellent 
 city. 
 
 I am moreover told that there is a little legendary 
 book, somewhere extant, written in Low Dutch, which 
 says, that J;he image of this renowned saint, which 
 whilome graced the bowsprit of the Goede Vrouw, 
 was elevated in front of this chapel, in the very centre 
 of what, in modern days, is called the Bowling Green. 
 And the legend further treats of divers miracles 
 wrought by the mighty pipe which the saint held in 
 his mouth ; a whiff of which was a sovereign cure for 
 an indigestion an invaluable relique in this colony 
 of brave trenchermen. As, however, in spite of the 
 most diligent search, I cannot lay my hands upon this 
 
94 HISTORY OF 
 
 little book, I must confess that I entertain considerable 
 doubt on the subject. 
 
 Thus benignly fostered by the good St. Nicholas, 
 the burghers of New Amsterdam beheld their settle- 
 ment increase in magnitude and population, and soon 
 become the metropolis of divers settlements, and an 
 extensive territory. Already had the disastrous pride 
 of colonies and dependencies, those banes of a sound 
 hearted empire, entered into their imaginations ; and 
 Fort Aurania on the Hudson, Fort Nassau on the 
 Delaware, and Fort Goede Hoep on the Connecticut 
 river, seemed to be the darling offspring of the vene- 
 rable council*. Thus prosperously, to all appearance, 
 did the province of New Netherlands advance in 
 power ; and the early history of its metropolis pre- 
 sents a fair page, unsullied by crime or calamity. 
 
 Hordes of painted savages still lurked about the 
 tangled forests and rich bottoms of the unsettled part 
 of the island the hunter pitched his rude bower of 
 skins and bark beside the rills that ran through the 
 cool and shady glens, while here and there might be 
 seen, on some sunny knoll, a group of Indian wig- 
 wams, whose smoke rose above the neighbouring trees 
 and floated in the transparent atmosphere. By degrees 
 a mutual good- will had grown up between these wan- 
 
 * The province about this time, extended on the north to Fort 
 Aurania or Orange (now the city of Albany) situated about 160 
 miles up the Hudson river. Indeed the province claimed quite to 
 the river St. Lawrence ; but this claim was not much insisted on 
 at the time, as the country beyond Fort Aurania was a perfect 
 wilderness. On the south the province reached to Fort Nassau, 
 on the south river, since called the Delaware : and on the east it 
 extended to the Varshe (or fresh) river, now the Connecticut. On 
 this last frontier was likewise erected a fort and trading house, 
 much about the spot where at present is situated the pleasant 
 town of Hartford. This was called Fort Goede Hoep (or Good 
 Hope), and was intended as well for the purpose of trade, as of 
 defence. 
 
NEW YORK. 95 
 
 dering beings and the burghers of New Amsterdam. 
 Our benevolent forefathers endeavoured as much as 
 possible to ameliorate their situation, by giving them 
 gin, rum, and glass beads, in exchange for their pel- 
 tries, for it seems the kind-hearted Dutchmen ,had 
 conceived a great friendship for their savage neigh- 
 bours, on account of their being pleasant men to trade 
 with, and little skilled in the art of making a bargain. 
 
 Now and then a crew of these half-human sons of 
 the forest would make their appearance in the streets 
 of New Amsterdam, fantastically painted and decor- 
 ated with beads and flaunting feathers, sauntering 
 about with an air of listless indifference sometimes 
 in the market place, instructing the little Dutch boys 
 in the use of the bow and arrow at other times, 
 inflamed with liquor, swaggering and whooping and 
 yelling about the town like so many fiends, to the 
 great dismay of all the good wives, who would hurry 
 their children into the house, fasten the doors, and 
 throw water upon the enemy from the garret windows. 
 It is worthy of mention here, that our forefathers were 
 very particular in holding up these wild men as excel- 
 lent domestic examples ; and for reasons that may be 
 gathered from the history of Master Ogilvie, who tells 
 us, that " for the least offence the bridegroom soundly 
 beats his wife, and turns her out of doors, and marries 
 another, insomuch that some of them have every year 
 a new wife." Whether this awful example had any 
 influence or not, history does not mention : but it is 
 certain that our grandmothers were miracles of fidelity 
 and obedience. 
 
 True it is, that the good understanding between our 
 ancestors and their savage neighbours was liable to 
 occasional interruptions ; and I have heard my grand- 
 mother, who was a very wise old woman, and well 
 versed in the history of these parts, tell a long story, 
 
96 HISTORY OF 
 
 of a winter's evening, about a battle between the New 
 Amsterdammers and the Indians, which was known 
 by the name of the peach war ; and which took place 
 near a peach orchard, in a dark glen, which, for a 
 long while, went by the name of Murderer's Valley. 
 
 The legend of this sylvan war was long current 
 among the nurses, old wives, and other ancient chro- 
 niclers of the place ; but time and improvement have 
 almost obliterated both the tradition and the scene of 
 battle ; for what was once the blood-stained valley is 
 now in the centre of this populous city, and known by 
 the name of Dey Street. 
 
 The accumulating wealth and consequence of New 
 Amsterdam and its dependencies, at length awakened 
 the tender solicitude of the mother country ; who 
 finding it a thriving and opulent colony, and that it 
 promised to yield great profit and no trouble, all at 
 once became wonderfully anxious about its safety, and 
 began to load it with tokens of regard, in the same 
 manner that your knowing people are sure to over- 
 whelm rich relations with their affection and loving 
 kindness. 
 
 The usual marks of protection shown by mother- 
 countries to wealthy colonies were forthwith mani- 
 fested ; the first care always being to send rulers to 
 the new settlement, with orders to squeeze as much 
 revenue from it as it will yield. Accordingly in the 
 year of our Lord 1629, Mynheer WOUTER VAN 
 TWILLER, was appointed Governor of the province of 
 Nieuw Nederlandts, under the commission and con- 
 troul of their High Mightinesses, the Lords States 
 General of the United Netherlands, and the privileged 
 West India Company. 
 
 This renowned old gentleman arrived at New Am- 
 sterdam in the merry month of June, the sweetest 
 month in all the year ; when Dan Apollo seems to 
 
NEW YORK. 97 
 
 dance up the transparent firmament when the robin, 
 the thrush, and a thousand other wanton songsters 
 make the woods to resound with amorous ditties, 
 and the luxurious little boblincon revels among the 
 clover blossoms of the meadows ; all which happy 
 coincidences persuaded the old dames of New Amster- 
 dam, who were skilled in the art of foretelling events, 
 that this was to be a happy and prosperous adminis- 
 tration. 
 
 But as it would be derogatory to the consequence 
 of the first Dutch Governor of the great province of 
 Nieuw Nederlandts, to be thus scurvily introduced at 
 the end of a chapter, I will put an end to this second 
 book of my history, that I may usher him in" with 
 more dignity in the beginning of my next. 
 
 END OF BOOK SECOND. 
 
 H 
 
98 HISTORY OF 
 
 BOOK III. 
 
 IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER VAN 
 TWILLER. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his unparalleled Virtues 
 as likewise his unutterable Wisdom in the Law Case ofWandle 
 Schoonhoven and Barent Bleecker and the great Admiration of 
 the Public thereat. 
 
 GRIEVOUS and very much to be commiserated is 
 the task of the feeling historian, who writes the history 
 of his native land. If it fall to his lot to be the sad 
 recorder of calamity or crime, the mournful page is 
 watered with his tears : nor can he recal the most 
 prosperous and blissful era, without a melancholy sigh 
 at the reflection, that it has passed away for ever ! I 
 know not whether it be owing to an immoderate love 
 for the simplicity of former times, or to that certain 
 tenderness of heart incident to all sentimental histo- 
 rians ; but I candidly confess that I cannot look back 
 on the happier days of our city, which I now describe, 
 without a sad dejection of the spirits. With a falter- 
 ing hand do I withdraw the curtain of oblivion, that 
 veils the modest merit of our venerable ancestors ; 
 and as their figures rise to my mental vision, humble 
 myself before the mighty shades. 
 
 Such are my feelings when I revisit the family 
 mansion of the Knickerbockers, and spend a lonely 
 hour in the chamber where hang the portraits of my 
 
NEW YORK. 99 
 
 forefathers, shrouded in dust, like the forms they 
 represent. With pious reverence do I gaze on the 
 countenances of those renowned burghers, who have 
 preceded me in the steady march of existence : whose 
 sober and temperate blood now meanders through my 
 veins, flowing slower and slower in its feeble conduits, 
 until its current shall soon be stopped for ever I 
 
 These, say I to myself, are but frail memorials of 
 the mighty men who flourished in the days of the 
 patriarchs ; but who., alas, have long since mouldered 
 in that tomb, towards which my steps- are insensibly 
 and irresistibly hastening ! As I pace the darkened 
 chamber, and lose myself in melancholy musings, the 
 shadowy images around me almost seem to steal once 
 more into existence : their countenances to assume 
 the animation of life their eyes to pursue me in every 
 movement ! Carried away by the delusions of fancy, 
 I almost imagine myself surrounded by the shades of 
 the departed, and holding sweet converse with the 
 worthies of antiquity I Ah, hapless Diedrich ! born 
 in a degenerate age, abandoned to the buffetings 
 of fortune a stranger and a weary pilgrim in thy 
 native land ; blest with no weeping wife, nor family of 
 helpless children ; but doomed to wander neglected 
 through those crowded streets, and elbowed by foreign 
 upstarts from those fair abodes where once thine 
 ancestors held sovereign empire ! 
 
 Let me not, however, lose the historian in the man, 
 nor suffer the doting recollections of age to overcome 
 me, while dwelling with fond garrulity on the virtuous 
 days of the patriarchs on those swoct days of sim- 
 plicity and ease which never more will dawn on the 
 lovely island of Manna-hata ! 
 
 The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller 
 was descended from a long line of Dutch burgo- 
 mastersj who had successively dozed away their lives, 
 
 H2 
 
100 HISTORY OF 
 
 and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy in Rot- 
 terdam ; and who had comported themselves with such 
 singular wisdom and propriety, that they were never 
 either heard or talked of which, next to being uni- 
 versally applauded, should be the object of ambition 
 to all sage magistrates and rulers. 
 
 His surname of Twiller is said to be a corruption 
 of the original Tivyfler, which in English means 
 doubter ; a name admirably descriptive of his delibe- 
 rative habits. For though he was a man shut up 
 within himself -like an oyster, and of such a profoundly 
 reflective turn, that he scarcely ever spoke except in 
 monosyllables, yet did he never make up his mind on 
 any doubtful point. This was clearly accounted for 
 by his adherents, who affirmed that he always con- 
 ceived every subject on so comprehensive a scale, 
 that he had not room in his head to turn it over and 
 examine both sides of it ; so that he always remained 
 in doubt, merely in consequence of the astonishing 
 magnitude of his ideas 1 
 
 There are two opposite ways by which some men 
 get into notice one by talking a vast deal and 
 thinking a little, and the other by holding their 
 tongues and not thinking at all. By the first, many 
 a vapouring superficial pretender acquires the reputa- 
 tion of a man of quick parts by the other, many a 
 vacant dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest of birds, 
 comes to be complimented, by a discerning world, 
 with all the attributes of wisdom. This, by the way, 
 is a mere casual remark, which I would not for the 
 universe have *it thought I apply to Governor Van 
 Twiller. On the contrary, he was a very wise Dutch- 
 man, for he never said a foolish thing ; and of such 
 invincible gravity, that he was never known to laugh, 
 or even to smile, through the course of a long and 
 prosperous life. Certain, however, it is, there never was 
 
NEW YORK. 101. 
 
 a matter proposed, however- sirfipte,; and cm vfchfc'h VUP 
 common narrow-minded mortals would rashly deter- 
 mine at the first glance, but what the renowned 
 Wouter put on a mighty mysterious, vacant kind of 
 look, shook his capacious head, and having smoked 
 for five minutes with redoubled earnestness, sagely 
 observed, that " he had his doubts about the matter : " 
 which, in process of time, gained him the character 
 of a man slow of belief, and not easily imposed on. 
 
 The person of this illustrious old gentleman was as 
 regularly formed, and nobly proportioned, as though 
 it had been moulded by the hands of some cunning 
 Dutch statuary, as a model of majesty and lordly 
 grandeur. He was exactly five feet six inches in 
 height, and six feet five inches in circumference. His 
 head was a perfect sphere, far excelling in magnitude 
 that of the great Pericles (who was thence waggishly 
 called Schenocephalus, or onion head) indeed, of 
 such stupendous dimensions was it, that dame Nature 
 herself, with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been 
 puzzled to construct a neck capable of supporting it ; 
 wherefore she wisely declined the attempt, and settled 
 it firmly on the top of his back-bone, just between the 
 shoulders ; where it remained, as snugly bedded as a 
 ship of war in the mud of the Potowmac. His body 
 was of an oblong form, particularly capacious at bot- 
 tom ; which was wisely ordered by providence, seeing 
 that he was a man of sedentary habits, and very 
 averse to the idle labour of walking. His legs, 
 though exceeding short, were sturdy in proportion to 
 the weight they had to sustain ; so that when erect he 
 had not a little the appearance of a robustious beer 
 barrel, standing on skids. His face, that infallible 
 index of the mind, presented a vast expanse perfectly 
 uhfurrowed or deformed by any of those lines and 
 angles which disfigure the human countenance with 
 
102 HISTORY OF 
 
 what is", termed expression. Two small grey eyes 
 twinkled feebly in the midst, like two stars of lesser 
 magnitude, in a hazy firmament; and his full fed 
 cheeks, which seemed to have taken toll of every 
 thing that went into his mouth, were curiously mottled 
 and streaked with dusky red, like a Spitzenberg 
 apple. 
 
 His habits were as regular as his person. He 
 daily took his four stated meals, appropriating exactly 
 an hour to each ; he smoked and doubted eight hours, 
 and he slept the remaining twelve of the four-and- 
 twenty. Such was the renowned Wouter Van Twiller 
 a true philosopher, for his mind was either elevated 
 above, or tranquilly settled below, the cares and per- 
 plexities of this world. He had lived in it for years, 
 without feeling the least curiosity to know whether 
 the sun revolved round it, or it round the sun ; and he 
 had even watched for at least half a century, the 
 smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, without 
 once troubling his head with any of those numerous 
 theories, by which a philosopher would have perplexed 
 his brain, in accounting for its rising above the sur- 
 rounding atmosphere. 
 
 In his council he presided with great state and 
 solemnity. He sat in a huge chair of solid oak hewn 
 in the celebrated forest of the Hague, fabricated by 
 an experienced Timmerman of Amsterdam, and curi- 
 ously carved about the arms and feet, into exact 
 imitations of gigantic eagles' claws. Instead of a 
 sceptre, he swayed a long Turkish pipe, wrought with 
 jasmin and amber, which had been presented to a 
 stadtholder of Holland, at the conclusion of a treaty 
 with one of the petty Barbary powers. In this stately 
 chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe would he 
 smoke, shaking his right knee with a constant motion, 
 and fixing his eye for hours together upon a little 
 
NEW YORK. 103 
 
 print of Amsterdam, which hung in a black frame 
 against the opposite wall of the council chamber. 
 Nay, it has even been said, that when any deliberation 
 of extraordinary length and intricacy was on the 
 carpet, the renowned Wouter would absolutely shut 
 his eyes for full two hours at a time, that he might 
 not be disturbed by external objects ; and at such 
 times the internal commotion of his mind was evinced 
 by certain regular guttural sounds, which his admirers 
 declared were merely the noise of conflict made by his 
 contending doubts and opinions. 
 
 It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to 
 collect these biographical anecdotes of the great man 
 under consideration. The facts respecting him were 
 so scattered and vague, and divers of them so ques- 
 tionable in point of authenticity, that I have had 
 to give up the search after many, and decline the 
 admission of still more, which would have tended to 
 heighten the colouring of his portrait. 
 
 I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the 
 person and habits of the renowned Van Twiller, from 
 the consideration that he was not only the first, but 
 also the best governor that ever presided over this 
 ancient and respectable province ; and so tranquil and 
 benevolent was his reign that I do not find, throughout 
 the whole of it, a single instance of any offender being 
 brought to punishment ; a most indubitable sign of a 
 merciful governor, and a case unparalleled, excepting 
 in the reign of the illustrious King Log, from whom, 
 it is hinted, the renowned Van Twiller was a lineal 
 descendant. 
 
 The very outset of the career of this excellent 
 magistrate, like that of Solomon, or to speak more 
 appropriately, like that of the illustrious governor of 
 Barataria, was distinguished by an example of legal 
 acumen, that gave flattering presage of a wise and 
 
104 HISTORY OF 
 
 equitable administration. The very morning- after he 
 had been solemnly installed in office, and at the 
 moment that he was making his breakfast from a pro- 
 digious earthen dish, filled with milk and Indian 
 pudding, he was suddenly interrupted by the appear- 
 ance of one Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important 
 old burgher of New- Amsterdam, who complained 
 bitterly of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he 
 fraudulently refused to come to a settlement of 
 accounts, seeing that there was a heavy balance in 
 favour of the said Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, 
 as I have already observed, was a man of few words ; 
 he was likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying 
 writings, or being disturbed at his breakfast. Having 
 listened attentively to the statement of Wandle 
 Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he 
 shovelled a mighty spoonful of Indian pudding into 
 his mouth either as a sign that he relished the dish, 
 or comprehended the story he called unto him his 
 constable, and pulling out of his breeches pocket a 
 huge jack-knife, despatched it after the defendant as 
 a summons, accompanied by his tobacco box as a 
 warrant. 
 
 This summary process was as effectual in those 
 simple days as was the seal ring of the great Haroun 
 Alraschid among the true believers. The two parties, 
 being confronted before him, each produced a book of 
 accounts, written in a language and character that 
 would have puzzled any but a high Dutch com- 
 mentator, or a learned decipherer of Egyptian obe- 
 lisks, to understand. The sage Wouter took them 
 one' after the other, and having poised them in his 
 hands, and attentively counted over the number of 
 leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and 
 smoked for half an hour without saying a word ; at 
 length, laying his finger beside his nose, and shutting 
 
NEW YORK. 105 
 
 his eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who 
 has just caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly 
 took his pipe from his mouth, puffed forth a column 
 of tobacco smoke, and with marvellous gravity and 
 solemnity pronounced that having carefully counted 
 over the leaves and weighed the books, it was found, 
 that one was just as thick and as heavy as the other 
 therefore it was the final opinion of the court, that 
 the accounts were equally balanced therefore Wan die 
 should give Barent a receipt, and Barent should give 
 Wandle a receipt and the constable should pay the 
 costs. 
 
 This decision, being straightway made known, dif- 
 fused general joy throughout New Amsterdam ; for 
 the people immediately perceived that they had a 
 very wise and equitable magistrate to rule over them. 
 But its happiest effect was, that not another lawsuit 
 took place throughout the whole of his administration ; 
 and the office of constable fell into such decay, that 
 there was not one of those losel scouts known in the 
 province for many years. I am the more particular 
 in dwelling on this transaction, not only because I 
 deem it one of the most sage and righteous judgments 
 on record, and well worthy the attention of modern 
 magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event in 
 the history of the renowned Wouter being the only 
 time he was ever known to come to a decision in the 
 whole course of his life. 
 
106 HISTORY OF 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Containing some Account of the grand Council of New Amsterdam, 
 as also divers especial good philosophical Reasons why an Alder- 
 man should be fat with other Particulars touching the State 
 of the Province. 
 
 IN treating of the early governors of the province, 
 I must caution my readers against confounding them, 
 in point of dignity and power, with those worthy gen- 
 tlemen who are whimsically denominated governors 
 in this enlightened republic a set of unhappy victims 
 of popularity, who are in fact the most dependent, 
 hen-pecked beings in the community doomed to bear 
 the secret goadings and corrections of their own party, 
 and the sneers and revilings of the whole world beside 
 set up, like geese at Christmas holidays, to be pelted 
 and shot at by every whipster and vagabond in the 
 land. On the contrary, the Dutch governors enjoyed 
 that uncontrolled authority vested in all commanders 
 of distant colonies or territories. They were in a 
 manner absolute despots in their little domains, lording 
 it, if so disposed, over both law and gospel, and ac- 
 countable to none but the mother country ; which, it 
 is well known, is astonishingly deaf to all complaints 
 against its governors, provided they discharge the 
 main duty of their station squeezing out a good 
 revenue. This hint will be of importance, to prevent 
 my readers from being seized with doubt and incre- 
 dulity, whenever, in the course of this authentic his- 
 tory, they encounter the uncommon circumstance, of 
 a governor acting with independence, and in opposition 
 to the opinions of the multitude. 
 
 To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous 
 business of legislation, a board of magistrates was 
 appointed, which presided immediately over the police. 
 
NEW YORK. 107 
 
 This potent body consisted of a schout or bailiff, with 
 powers between those of the present mayor and 
 sheriff; five burgermeesters, who were equivalent to 
 aldermen ; and five schepens, who officiated as scrubs, 
 sub-devils, or bottle-holders to the burgermeesters, in 
 the same manner as do assistant aldermen to their 
 principals at the present day it being their duty to 
 fill the pipes of the lordly burgermeesters, hunt the 
 markets for delicacies for corporation dinners, and to 
 discharge such other little offices of kindness, as were 
 occasionally required. It was, moreover, tacitly un- 
 derstood, though not specifically enjoined, that they 
 should consider themselves as butts for the blunt 
 wits of the burgermeesters, and should laugh most 
 heartily at all their jokes ; but this last was a duty 
 as rarely called in action in those days as it is at 
 present, and was shortly remitted, in consequence of 
 the tragical death of a fat little schepen, who actually 
 died of suffocation in an unsuccessful effort to force 
 a laugh at one of burgermeester Van Zandt's best 
 jokes. 
 
 In return for these humble services, they were per- 
 mitted to say yes and no at the council board, and to 
 have that enviable privilege, the run of the public 
 kitchen ; being graciously permitted to eat, and drink, 
 and smoke, at all those snug junketings and public 
 gormandisings, for which the ancient magistrates were 
 equally famous with their more modern successors. 
 The post of schepen, therefore, like that of assistant 
 alderman, was eagerly coveted by all your burghers 
 of a certain description, who have a huge relish for 
 good feeding, and an humble ambition to be great 
 men, in a small way who thirst after a little brief 
 authority, that shall render them, the terror of the 
 almshouse and the bridewell that shall enable them 
 to lord it over obsequious poverty, vagrant vice, out- 
 
108 HISTORY OF 
 
 cast prostitution, and hunger-driven dishonesty that 
 shall place in their hands the lesser, but galling 
 scourge of the law, and give to their beck a houndlike 
 pack of catchpoles and bum-bailiffs tenfold greater 
 rogues than the culprits they hunt down ! My 
 readers will excuse this sudden warmth, which I con- 
 fess is unbecoming of a grave historian ; but I have a 
 mortal antipathy to catchpoles, bum-bailiffs, and little 
 great men. 
 
 The ancient magistrates of this city corresponded 
 with those of the present time no less in form, magni- 
 tude, and intellect, than in prerogative and privilege. 
 The burgomasters, like our aldermen, were generally 
 chosen by weight ; and not only the weight of the 
 body, but likewise the weight of the head. It is a 
 maxim practically observed in all honest, plain-thinking, 
 regular cities, that an alderman should be fat and 
 the wisdom of this can be proved to a certainty. 
 That the body is in some measure an image of the 
 mind, or rather that the mind is moulded to the body, 
 like melted lead to the clay in which it is cast, has 
 been insisted on by many men of science, who have 
 made human nature their peculiar study. For as a 
 learned gentleman of our own city observes, " there 
 is a constant relation between the moral character of 
 all intelligent creatures, and their physical constitu- 
 tion between their habits and the structure of their 
 bodies." Thus we see, that a lean, spare, diminutive 
 body is generally accompanied by a petulant, restless, 
 meddling mind. Either the mind wears down the 
 body by its continual motion ; or else the body, not 
 affording the mind sufficient house-room, keeps it 
 continually in a state of fretfulness, tossing and 
 worrying about, from the uneasiness of its situation. 
 Whereas your round, sleek, fat, unwieldy periphery is 
 ever attended by a mind like itself, tranquil, torpid, 
 
NEW YORK. 100 
 
 and at ease ; and we may always observe, that your 
 well fed, robustious burghers are in general very 
 tenacious of their ease and comfort ; being great 
 enemies to noise, discord, and disturbance : and surely 
 none are more likely to study the public tranquillity 
 than those who are so careful of their own. Who 
 ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding 
 together in turbulent mobs ? No no it is your 
 lean, hungry men, who are continually worrying society, 
 and setting the whole community by the ears. 
 
 The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not suffi- 
 ciently attended to by philosophers of the present age, 
 allows to every man three souls : one immortal and 
 rational, seated in the brain, that it may overlook and 
 regulate the body a second consisting of the surly 
 and irascible passions, which, like belligerent powers, 
 lie encamped around the heart a third mortal and 
 sensual, destitute of reason, gross and brutal in its 
 propensities, and enchained in the belly, that it may 
 not disturb the divine soul by its ravenous bowlings. 
 Now, according to this excellent theory, what can be 
 more clear, than that your fat alderman is most likely 
 to have the most regular and well-conditioned mind. 
 His head is like a huge spherical chamber, containing 
 a prodigious mass of soft brains, whereon the rational 
 soul lies softly and snugly couched, as on a feather 
 bed ; and the eyes, which are the windows of the 
 bed-chamber, are usually half-closed, that its slumber- 
 ings may not be disturbed by external objects. A 
 mind thus comfortably lodged, and protected from 
 disturbance, is manifestly most likely to perform its 
 functions with regularity and ease. By dint of good 
 feeding, moreover, the mortal and malignant soul, 
 which is confined in the belly, and which, by its raging 
 and roaring, puts the irritable soul in the neighbour- 
 hood of the heart in an intolerable passion, and thus 
 
110 HISTORY OF 
 
 renders men crusty and quarrelsome when hungry 
 is completely pacified, silenced, and put to rest : 
 whereupon a host of honest good-fellow qualities, and 
 kindhearted affections, which had lain perdue, slily 
 peeping out of the loopholes of the heart, finding this 
 Cerberus asleep, do pluck up their spirits, turn out 
 one and all in their holiday suits, and gambol up and 
 down the diaphragm disposing their possessor to 
 laughter, good humour, and a thousand friendly offices 
 towards his fellow mortals. 
 
 As a board of magistrates, formed on this model, 
 think but very little, they are the less likely to differ, 
 and wrangle about favourite opinions ; and as they 
 generally transact business upon a hearty dinner, they 
 are naturally disposed to be lenient and indulgent in 
 the administration of their duties. Charlemagne was 
 conscious of this, and therefore (a pitiful measure, for 
 which I can never forgive him) ordered in his cartu- 
 laries, that no judge should hold a court of justice, 
 except in the morning on an empty stomach a rule 
 which, I warrant, bore hard upon all the poor culprits 
 in his kingdom. The more enlightened and humane 
 generation of the present day have taken an opposite 
 course, and have so managed that the aldermen are 
 the best fed men in the community ; feasting lustity 
 on the fat things of the land, and gorging so heartily 
 oysters and turtles, that in process of time they acquire 
 the activity of the one, and the form, the waddle, and 
 the green fat of the other. The consequence is, as I 
 have just said ; these luxurious feastings do produce 
 such a dulcet equanimity and repose of the soul, 
 rational and irrational, that their transactions are pro- 
 verbial for unvarying monotony ; and the profound 
 laws, which they enact in their dozing moments, amid 
 the labours of digestion, are quietly suffered to remain 
 as dead letters, and never enforced when awake. In 
 
NEW YORK. Ill 
 
 a word, your fair round bellied burgomaster, like a 
 full fed mastiff, dozes quietly at the house door, always 
 at home, and always at hand to watch over its safety : 
 but as to electing a lean, meddling candidate to the 
 office, as has now and then been done, I would as lief 
 put a greyhound to watch the house, or a race horse 
 to drag an ox-wagon. 
 
 The burgomasters, then, as I have already men- 
 tioned, were wisely chosen by weight, and the schepens, 
 or assistant aldermen, were appointed to attend upon 
 them, and help them to eat ; but the latter, in the 
 course of time, when they had been fed and fattened 
 into sufficient bulk of body and drowsiness of brain, 
 became very eligible candidates for the burgomaster's 
 chair ; having fairly eaten themselves into office, as a 
 mouse eats his way into a comfortable lodgment in a 
 goodly blue nosed, skimmed milk, New England 
 cheese. 
 
 Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that 
 took place between the renowned Wouter and these 
 his worthy compeers, unless it be the sage divans of 
 some of our modern corporations. They would sit 
 for hours smoking and dozing over public affairs, 
 without speaking a word to interrupt that perfect 
 stillness, so necessary to deep reflection. Under the 
 sober sway of Wouter Van Twiller and these his 
 worthy coadjutors, the infant settlement waxed vigor- 
 ous apace, gradually emerging from the swamps and 
 forests, and exhibiting that mingled appearance of 
 town and country, customary in new cities, and which 
 at this day maybe witnessed in the city of Washington ; 
 that immense metropolis, which makes so glorious an 
 appearance on paper. 
 
 It was a pleasing sight in those times, to behold the 
 honest burgher, like a patriarch of yore, seated on the 
 bench at the door of his whitewashed house, under the 
 
1 12 HISTORY OF 
 
 shade of some gigantic sycamore, or overhanging 
 willow. Here would lie smoke his pipe of a sultry 
 afternoon, enjoying the soft southern breeze, and 
 listening with silent gratulation to the clucking of his 
 hens, the cackling of his geese, and the sonorous grunt- 
 ing of his swine ; that combination of farm yard melody, 
 which may truly be said to have a silver sound, inas- 
 much as it conveys a certain assurance of profitable 
 marketing. 
 
 The modern spectator, who wanders through the 
 streets of this populous city, can scarcely form an idea 
 of the different appearance they presented in the pri- 
 mitive days of the Doubter. The busy hum of 
 multitudes, the shouts of revelry, the rumbling equi- 
 pages of fashion, the rattling of accursed carts, and 
 all the spirit-grieving sounds of brawling commerce, 
 were unknown in the settlement of New Amsterdam. 
 The grass grew quietly in the highways ; the bleating 
 sheep and frolicsome calves sported about the verdant 
 ridge where now the Broadway loungers take their 
 morning stroll; the cunning fox or ravenous wolf 
 skulked in the woods where now are to be seen the dens 
 of Gomezandhis righteous fraternity of money-brokers ; 
 and flocks of vociferous geese cackled about the fields 
 where now the great Tammany wigwam and the 
 patriotic tavern of Martling echo with the wranglings 
 of the mob. 
 
 In these good times did a true and enviable equality 
 of rank and property prevail, equally removed from 
 the arrogance of wealth, and the servility and heart- 
 burnings of repining poverty ; and what in my mind 
 is still more conducive to tranquillity and harmony 
 among friends, a happy equality of intellect was like- 
 wise to be seen. The minds of the good burghers of 
 New Amsterdam seemed all to have been cast in one 
 mould, and to be those honest, blunt sort of minds 
 
NEW YORK. 113 
 
 which, like certain manufactures, are made by the 
 gross, and considered as exceedingly good for com- 
 mon use. 
 
 Thus it happens that your true dull minds are 
 generally preferred for public employ, and especially 
 promoted to city honours ; your keen intellects, like 
 razors, being considered too sharp for common ser- 
 vice. I know that it is common to rail at the unequal 
 distribution of riches as the great source of jealousies, 
 broils, and heart-breakings ; whereas, for my part, I 
 verily believe it is the sad inequality of intellect that 
 prevails, that embroils communities more than any 
 thing else ; and I have remarked that your knowing 
 people, who are so much wiser than any body else, are 
 eternally keeping society in a ferment. Happily for 
 New Amsterdam nothing of the kind was known 
 within its walls the very words of learning, education, 
 taste, and talents, were unheard of a bright genius 
 was an animal unknown, a blue-stocking lady would 
 have been regarded with as much wonder as a horned 
 frog or a fiery dragon. No man, in fact, seemed to 
 know more than his neighbour, nor any man to know- 
 much more than an honest man ought to know, who 
 has nobody's business to mind but his own ; the 
 parson and the council clerk were the only men 
 that could read in the community, and the sage Van 
 Twiller always signed his name with a cross. 
 
 Thrice happy and ever to be envied little Burgh ! 
 existing in all the security of harmless insignificance 
 unnoticed and unenvied by the world, without ambi- 
 tion, without vain glory, without riches, without learn- 
 ing, and all their train of carking cares ; and as of 
 yore, in better days of man, the deities were wont to 
 visit him on earth, and bless his rural habitations ; so 
 we are told, in the silvan days of New Amsterdam, 
 the good St. Nicholas would often make his appear- 
 
114 HISTORY OF 
 
 ance, in his beloved city, of a holiday afternoon, riding 
 jollily among the tree tops, or over the roofs of the 
 houses, now and then drawing forth magnificent pre- 
 sents from his breeches* pockets, and dropping them 
 down the chimneys of his favourites. Whereas in 
 these degenerate days of iron and brass he never 
 shows us the light of his countenance, nor ever visits 
 us, save one night in the year ; when he rattles down 
 the chimneys of the descendants of the patriarchs, 
 confining his presents merely to the children, in token 
 of the degeneracy of the parents* 
 
 Such are the comfortable and thriving effects of a 
 fat government. The province of the New Nether- 
 lands, destitute of wealth, possessed a sweet tranquil- 
 lity, that wealth could never purchase. It seemed, 
 indeed, as if old Saturn had again commenced his 
 reign, and renewed the days of primeval simplicity. 
 For the golden age, says Ovid, was totally destitute of 
 gold, and for that very reason was called the golden 
 age ; that is, the happy and fortunate age because 
 the evils produced by the precious metals, such as 
 avarice, covetousness, theft, rapine, usury, banking, 
 note-shaving, lottery-insuring, and the whole catalogue 
 of crimes and grievances, were then unknown. In 
 the iron age there was abundance of gold ; on that 
 very account it was called the iron age, because of the 
 hardships, the labours, the dissensions, and the wars, 
 occasioned by the thirst of gold. 
 
 The genial days of Wouter Van Twiller, therefore, 
 may truly be termed the golden age of our city. 
 There were neither public commotions, nor private 
 quarrels ; neither parties, nor sects, nor schisms ; 
 neither prosecutions, nor trials, nor punishments ; nor 
 were there counsellors, attorneys, catchpoles, or hang- 
 men. Every man attended to what little business 
 he was lucky enough to have, or neglected it if he 
 
NEW YORK. 115 
 
 pleased, without asking the opinion of his neighbour. 
 In those days nobody meddled with concerns above 
 his comprehension, nor thrust his nose into other 
 people's affairs ; nor neglected to correct his own con- 
 duct, and reform his own character, in his zeal to pull 
 to pieces the characters of others ; but, in a word, 
 every respectable citizen eat when he was not hungry, 
 drank when he was not thirsty, and went regularly to 
 bed when the sun set and the fowls went to roost, 
 whether he were sleepy or not ; all which tended so 
 remarkably to the population of the settlement, that I 
 am told every dutiful wife throughout New Amster- 
 dam made a point of always enriching her husband 
 with at least one child a year, and very often a brace : 
 this superabundance of good things clearly constituting 
 the true luxury of life, according to the favourite 
 Dutch maxim, that " more than enough constitutes a 
 feast." Every thing, therefore, went on exactly as it 
 should do, and in the usual words employed by histo- 
 rians to express the welfare of a country, " the pro- 
 foundest tranquillity and repose reigned throughout 
 the province." 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 How the Town of New Amsterdam arose out of Mud, and came 
 to be marvellously polished and polite together with a Picture 
 of our Great-great-grandfathers. 
 
 MANIFOLD are the tastes and dispositions of the 
 enlightened literati who turn over the pages of his- 
 tory. Some there be whose hearts are brimful of the 
 yeast of courage, and whose bosoms do work, and 
 swell and foam, with untried valour, like a barrel of 
 new cider, or a train band captain, fresh from under 
 i 2 
 
116 HISTORY OF 
 
 the hands of his tailor. This doughty class of readers 
 can be satisfied with nothing but bloody battles and 
 horrible encounters ; they must be continually storm- 
 ing forts, sacking cities, springing mines, marching up 
 to the muzzles of cannon, charging bayonet through 
 every page, and revelling in gunpowder and carnage. 
 Others, who are of a less martial, but equally ardent 
 imagination, and who, withal, are a little given to the 
 marvellous, will dwell with wondrous satisfaction on 
 descriptions of prodigies, unheard of events, hair- 
 breadth escapes, hardy adventures, and all those asto- 
 nishing narrations that just amble along the boundary 
 line of possibility. A third class, who, not to speak 
 slightly of them, are of a lighter turn, and skim over 
 the records of past times, as they do over the edifying 
 pages of a novel, merely for relaxation and innocent 
 amusement, do singularly delight in treasons, execu- 
 tions, Sabine rapes, Tarquin outrages, conflagrations, 
 murders, and all the other catalogue of hideous crimes, 
 that like Cayenne in cookery do give a pungency and 
 flavour to the dull detail of history ; while a fourth 
 class, of more philosophic habits, do diligently pore 
 over the musty chronicles of time, to investigate the 
 operations of the human mind, and watch the gradual 
 changes in men and manners, effected by the progress 
 of knowledge, the vicissitudes of events, or the influ- 
 ence of situation. 
 
 If the three first classes find but little wherewithal 
 to solace themselves in the tranquil reign of Wouter 
 Van T wilier. I entreat them to exert their patience for 
 awhile, and bear with the tedious picture of happiness, 
 prosperity, and peace, which my duty as a faithful 
 historian obliges me to draw ; and I promise them, 
 that as soon as I can possibly light upon any thing 
 horrible, uncommon, or impossible, it shall go hard 
 but I will make it afford them entertainment. This 
 
NEW YORK. 117 
 
 being premised, I turn with great complacency to the 
 fourth class of my readers, who are men, or, if pos- 
 sible, women after my own heart ; grave, philosophical, 
 and investigating; fond of analyzing characters, of 
 taking a start from first causes, and so hunting a 
 nation down through all the mazes of innovation and 
 improvement. Such will naturally be anxious to 
 witness the first development of the newly hatched 
 colony, and the primitive manners and customs, pre- 
 valent among its inhabitants, during the halcyon reign 
 of Van Twiller or the Doubter. 
 
 1 will not grieve their patience, however, by de- 
 scribing minutely the increase and improvement of 
 New Amsterdam. Their own imaginations will doubt- 
 less present to them the good burghers, like so many 
 pains-taking and persevering beavers, slowly and 
 surely pursuing their labours ; they will behold the 
 prosperous transformation from the rude log hut to 
 the stately Dutch mansion, with brick front, glazed 
 windows, and tiled roof; from the tangled thicket to 
 the luxuriant cabbage garden ; and from the skulking 
 Indian to the ponderous burgomaster. In a word, 
 they will picture to themselves the steady, silent, and 
 undeviating march to prosperity, incident to a city 
 destitute of pride or ambition, cherished by a fat 
 government, and whose citizens do nothing in a hurry. 
 
 The sage council, as has been mentioned in a pre- 
 ceding chapter, not being able to determine upon any 
 plan for the building of their city ; the cows, in a 
 laudable fit of patriotism, took it under their particular 
 charge, and as they went to and from pasture, esta- 
 blished paths through the bushes, on each side of 
 which the good folks built their houses ; which is one 
 cause of the rambling and picturesque turns and laby- 
 rinths, which distinguish certain streets in New York 
 at this very day. 
 
118 HISTORY OF 
 
 Some, it must be noted, who were strenuous par- 
 tisans of Mynheer Ten Breeches (or Ten-broeck), 
 vexed that his plan of digging canals was not adopted, 
 made a compromise with their inclinations, by esta- 
 blishing themselves on the margins of those creeks 
 and inlets, which meandered through various parts of 
 the ground laid out for improvement. To these may 
 be particularly ascribed the first settlement of Broad 
 Street ; which originally was built along a creek, that 
 ran up to what at present is called Wall Street. The 
 lower part soon became very busy and populous ; and 
 a ferry house * was in process of time established at 
 the head of it ; being at that day called " the head of 
 inland navigation." 
 
 The disciples of Mynheer Tough Breeches, on the 
 other hand, no less enterprising, and more industrious 
 than their rivals, stationed themselves along the shore 
 of the river, and laboured, with unexampled perse- 
 verance, in making little docks and dykes, from which 
 originated that multitude of mud traps with which 
 this city is fringed. To these docks would the old 
 burghers repair, just at those hours when the falling 
 tide had left the beach uncovered, that they might 
 snuff up the fragrant effluvia of mud and mire ; which 
 they observed had a truly wholesome smell, and 
 reminded them of the canals of Holland. To the 
 indefatigable labours, and praise-worthy examples of 
 this latter class of projectors, are we indebted for the 
 acres of artificial ground, on which several of our 
 streets in the vicinity of the rivers are built ; and 
 which, if we may credit the assertions of several 
 learned physicians of this city, have been very effica- 
 cious in producing the yellow fever. 
 
 * This house has been several times repaired, and at present is a 
 small yellow brick house, No. 23, Broad Street, with the gable end 
 to the street, surmounted with an iron rod, on which, until within 
 three or four years, a little iron ferry boat officiated as a weathercock. 
 
NEW YORK. 119 
 
 The houses of the higher class were generally con- 
 structed of wood, excepting the gable-end, which was 
 of small black and yellow Dutch bricks, and always 
 faced on the street ; as our ancestors, like their descen- 
 dants, were very much given to outward show, and 
 were noted for putting the best leg foremost. The 
 house was always furnished with abundance of large 
 doors and small windows on every floor ; the date of 
 its erection was curiously designated by iron figures 
 on the front ; and on the top of the roof was perched 
 a fierce little weathercock, to let the family into the 
 important secret, which way the wind blew. These, 
 like the weathercocks on the tops of our steeples, 
 pointed so many different ways, that every man could 
 have a wind to his mind ; and you would have thought 
 old ^Eolus had set all his bags of wind adrift, pell- 
 mell, to gambol about this windy metropolis ; the most 
 stanch and loyal citizens, however, always went accord- 
 ing to the weathercock on the top of the governor's 
 house, which was certainly the most correct, as he had 
 a trusty servant employed every morning to climb up 
 and point it whichever way the wind blew. 
 
 In those good days of simplicity and sunshine, a 
 passion for cleanliness was the leading principle in 
 domestic economy, and the universal test of an able 
 housewife : a character which formed the utmost ambi- 
 tion of our unenlightened grandmothers. The front 
 door was never opened except on marriages, funerals, 
 new-year's days, the festival of St. Nicholas, or some 
 such great occasion. It was ornamented with a gorge- 
 ous brass knocker, curiously wrought, sometimes into 
 the device of a dog, and sometimes of a lion's head ; 
 and was daily burnished with such religious zeal that 
 it was ofttimes worn out by the very precautions taken 
 for its preservation. The whole house was constantly 
 in a state of inundation, under the discipline of mops and 
 
120 HISTORY OF 
 
 brooms and scrubbing-brushes ; and the good house- 
 wives of those days were a kind of amphibious animal, 
 delighting exceedingly to be dabbling in water inso- 
 much that an historian of the day gravely tells us, that 
 many of his townswomen grew to have webbed fingers 
 like unto a duck ; and some of them, he had little 
 doubt, could the matter be examined into, would be 
 found to have the tails of mermaids ; but this I look 
 upon to be a mere sport of fancy, or, what is worse, a 
 wilful misrepresentation. 
 
 The grand parlour was the sanctum sanctorum, 
 where the passion for cleaning was indulged without 
 controul. In this sacred apartment no one was per- 
 mitted to enter, excepting the mistress and her confi- 
 dential maid, who visited it once a week ; for the pur- 
 pose of giving it a thorough cleaning, and putting 
 things to rights ; always taking the precaution of 
 leaving their shoes at the door, and entering devoutly 
 on their stocking feet. After scrubbing the floor, 
 sprinkling it with fine white sand, which was curiously 
 stroked into angles and curves, and rhomboids, with 
 a broom after washing the windows, rubbing and 
 polishing the furniture, and putting a new bunch of 
 evergreens in the fire-place ; the window-shutters were 
 again closed to keep out the flies, and the room care- 
 fully locked up until the revolution of time brought 
 round the weekly cleaning day. 
 
 As to the family, they always entered in at the 
 gate, and most generally lived in the kitchen. To 
 have seen a numerous household assembled around 
 the fire, one would have imagined that he was trans- 
 ported back to those happy days of primeval simpli- 
 city, which float before our imaginations like golden 
 visions. The fireplaces were of a truly patriarchal mag- 
 nitude, where the whole family, old and young, master 
 and servant, black and white, nay, even the very cat 
 
NEW YORK. 2 
 
 and dog enjoyed a community of privilege, and had 
 each a prescriptive right to a corner. Here the old 
 burgher would sit in perfect silence, puffing his pipe, 
 looking in the fire with half-shut eyes, and thinking 
 of nothing for hours together ; the goede vrouw on 
 the opposite side would employ herself diligently 
 in spinning her yarn, or knitting stockings. The 
 young folks would crowd around the hearth, listening 
 with breathless attention to some old crone of a 
 negro, who was the oracle of the family ; and who, 
 perched like a raven in a corner of the chimney, 
 would croak forth for a long winter afternoon a string 
 of incredible stories about New England witches, grisly ' 
 ghosts, horses without heads, and hairbreadth escapes, 
 and bloody encounters among the Indians. 
 
 In those happy days, a well-regulated family always 
 rose with the dawn, dined at eleven, and went to bed 
 at sun-down. Dinner was invariably a private meal, 
 and the fat old burghers showed incontestable symp- 
 toms of disapprobation and uneasiness at being sur- 
 prised by a visit from a neighbour on such occasions. 
 But though our worthy ancestors were thus singularly 
 averse to giving dinners, yet they kept up the social 
 bands of intimacy by occasional banquetings, called 
 tea parties. 
 
 As this is the first introduction of those delectable 
 orgies, which have since become so fashionable in this 
 city, I am conscious my fair readers will be very 
 curious to receive information on the subject. Sorry 
 am I that there will be but little in my description 
 calculated to excite their admiration. I can neither 
 delight them with accounts of suffocating crowds, nor 
 brilliant drawing-rooms, nor towering feathers, nor 
 sparkling diamonds, nor immeasurable trains. I can 
 detail no choice anecdotes of scandal, for in those 
 primitive times the simple folk were either too stupid 
 
122 HISTORY OF 
 
 or too good-natured to pull each other's characters to 
 pieces ; nor can I furnish any whimsical anecdotes of 
 brag ; how one lady cheated, or another bounced into 
 a passion ; for as yet there was no junto of dulcet old 
 do wagers, who met to win each other's money, and lose 
 their own tempers at a card-table. 
 
 These fashionable parties were generally confined 
 to the higher classes, or noblesse, that is to say, such 
 as kept their own cows, and drove their own wagons. 
 The company commonly assembled at three o'clock, 
 and went away about six, unless it was in winter time, 
 when the fashionable hours were a little earlier, that 
 the ladies might get home before dark. I do not. 
 find that they ever treated their company to iced 
 creams, jellies, or syllabubs ; or regaled them with 
 musty almonds, mouldy raisins, or sour oranges, as is 
 often done in the present age of refinement. Our 
 ancestors were fond of more sturdy, substantial fare. 
 The tea-table was crowned with a huge earthen dish, 
 well stored with slices of fat pork, fried brown, cut up 
 into morsels, and swimming in gravy. The company 
 being seated around the genial board, and each fur- 
 nished with a fork, evinced their dexterity in launching 
 at the fattest pieces of this mighty dish : in much the 
 same manner as sailors harpoon porpoises at sea, or 
 our Indians spear salmon in the lakes. Sometimes 
 the table was graced with immense apple-pies, or 
 saucers full of preserved peaches and pears ; but it 
 was always sure to boast of an enormous dish of balls 
 of sweetened dough, fried in hog's fat, and called 
 dough-nuts, or oly koeks : a delicious kind of cake, at 
 present scarce known in this city, excepting in genuine 
 Dutch families. 
 
 The tea was served out of a majestic delft tea-pot, 
 ornamented with paintings of fat little Dutch shep- 
 herds and shepherdesses, tending pigs with boats 
 
NEW YORK. 123 
 
 sailing 1 in the air, and houses built in the clouds, and 
 sundry other ingenious Dutch fantasies. The beaux 
 distinguished themselves by their adroitness in reple- 
 nishing this pot, from a huge copper tea-kettle, which 
 would have made the pigmy macaronies of these degene- 
 rate days sweat, merely to look at it. To sweeten the 
 beverage, a lump of sugar was laid beside each cup and 
 the company alternately nibbled and sipped with great 
 decorum, until an improvement was introduced by a 
 shrewd and economic old lady, which was, to suspend 
 a large lump directly over the tea-table, by a string 
 from the ceiling, so that it could be swung from mouth 
 to mouth an ingenious expedient, which is still kept 
 up by some families in Albany ; but which prevails, 
 without exception, in Communipaw, Bergen, Flat-Bush, 
 and all our uncontaminated Dutch villages. 
 
 At these primitive tea parties the utmost propriety 
 and dignity of deportment prevailed. No flirting nor 
 coquetting no gambling of old ladies, nor hoyden 
 chattering and romping of young ones no self-satis- 
 fied struttings of wealthy gentlemen, with their brains 
 in their pockets ; nor amusing conceits, and monkey 
 divertissements of smart young gentlemen, with no 
 brains at all. On the contrary, the young ladies 
 seated themselves demurely in their rush-bottomed 
 chairs, and knit their own woollen stockings ; nor 
 ever opened their lips, excepting to say, yah Mynheer, 
 or yah ya Vrouw, to any question that was asked 
 them ; behaving, in all things, like decent well-edu- 
 cated damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of them 
 tranquilly smoked his pipe, and seemed lost in con- 
 templation of the blue and white tiles, with which the 
 fire-places were decorated ; wherein sundry passages 
 of scripture were piously portrayed : Tobit and his 
 dog figured to great advantage ; Haman swung con- 
 spicuously on his gibbet, and Jonah appeared most 
 
124 HISTORY OF 
 
 manfully bouncing out of the whale, like Harlequin 
 through a barrel of fire. 
 
 The parties broke up without noise and without 
 confusion. They were carried home by their own 
 carriages, that is to say, by the vehicles nature had 
 provided them, excepting such of the wealthy as could 
 afford to keep a wagon. The gentlemen gallantly 
 attended their fair ones to their respective abodes, 
 and took leave of them with a hearty smack at the 
 door : which, as it was an established piece of etiquette, 
 done in perfect simplicity and honesty of heart, 
 occasioned no scandal at that time, nor should it at 
 the present if our great grandfathers approved of the 
 custom, it would argue a great want of reverence in 
 their descendants to say a word against it. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Containing further Particulars of the Golden Age, and what con. 
 stituted a fine Lady and Gentleman in the Days of Walter the 
 Doubter. 
 
 IN this dulcet period of my history, when the beau- 
 teous island of Manna- hata presented a scene, the 
 very counterpart of those glowing pictures drawn of 
 the golden reign of Saturn, there was, as I have 
 before observed, a happy ignorance, an honest sim- 
 plicity prevalent among its inhabitants, which, were I 
 even able to depict, would be but little understood by 
 the degenerate age for which I am doomed to write. 
 Even the female sex, those arch innovators upon the 
 tranquillity, the honesty, the grey-beard customs of 
 society, seemed for a while to conduct themselves 
 with incredible sobriety and comeliness, and indeed 
 behaved almost as if they had not been sent into the 
 
NEW YORK. 125 
 
 world to bother mankind, baffle philosophy, and con- 
 found the universe. 
 
 Their hair, untortured by the abominations of art, 
 was scrupulously pomatumed back from their fore- 
 heads with a candle, and covered with a little cap of 
 quilted calico, which fitted exactly to their heads. 
 Their petticoats of linsey woolsey were striped with a 
 variety of gorgeous dyes, rivalling the many-coloured 
 robes of Iris though I must confess these gallant 
 garments were rather short, scarce reaching below the 
 knee ; but then they made up in the number, which 
 generally equalled that of the gentlemen's small clothes ; 
 and, what is still more praiseworthy, they were all of 
 their own manufacture of which circumstance, as 
 may well be supposed, they were not a little vain. 
 
 These were the honest days in which every woman 
 stayed at home, read the Bible, and wore pockets ay, 
 and that too of a goodly size, fashioned with patch- 
 work into many curious devices, and ostentatiously 
 worn on the outside. These, in fact, were convenient 
 receptacles, where all good housewives carefully stored 
 away such things as they wished to have at hand ; by 
 which means they often came to be incredibly crammed 
 and I remember there was a story current when I 
 was a boy, that the lady of Wouter Van Twiller once 
 had occasion to empty her right pocket in search of a 
 wooden ladle, and the utensil was discovered lying 
 among some rubbish in one corner ; but we must not 
 give too much faith to all these stories, the anecdotes 
 of these remote periods being very subject to ex- 
 aggeration. 
 
 Besides these notable pockets, they likewise wore 
 scissors and pincushions suspended from their girdles 
 by red ribands, or, among the more opulent and showy 
 classes, by brass and even silver chains indubitable 
 tokens of thrifty housewives and industrious spinsters 
 
126 HISTORY OF 
 
 I cannot say much in vindication of the shortness 
 of the petticoats ; it doubtless was introduced for the 
 purpose of giving the stockings a chance to be seen, 
 which were generally of blue worsted with magnificent 
 red clocks or perhaps to display a well-turned ankle, 
 and a neat though serviceable foot, set off by a high- 
 heeled leathern shoe, with a large and splendid silver 
 buckle. Thus we find that the gentle sex in all ages 
 have shown the same disposition to infringe a little 
 upon the laws of decorum, in order to betray a lurking 
 beauty, or gratify an innocent love of finery. 
 
 From the sketch here given, it will be seen, that 
 our good grandmothers differed considerably in their 
 ideas of a fine figure, from their scantily dressed 
 descendants of the present day. A fine lady, in 
 those times, waddled under more clothes, even on a 
 fair summer's day, than would have clad the whole 
 bevy of a modern ball-room. Nor were they the less 
 admired by the gentlemen in consequence thereof. 
 On the contrary, the greatness of a lover's passion 
 seemed to increase in proportion to the magnitude of 
 its object and a voluminous damsel, arrayed in a 
 dozen of petticoats, was declared by a low Dutch 
 sonnetteer of the province to be radiant as a sun- 
 flower, and luxuriant as a full-blown cabbage. Cer- 
 tain it is, that in those days the heart of a lover could 
 not contain more than one lady at a time ; whereas 
 the heart of a modern gallant has often room enough 
 to accommodate half a dozen ; the reason of which I 
 conclude to be, that either the hearts of the gentlemen 
 have grown larger, or the persons of the ladies smaller ; 
 this, however, is a question for physiologists to deter- 
 mine. 
 
 But there was a secret charm in these petticoats 
 which, no doubt, entered into the consideration of the 
 prudent gallants. The wardrobe of a lady was in 
 
NEW YORK. 127 
 
 those days her only fortune ; and she who had a good 
 stock of petticoats and stockings was as absolutely an 
 heiress as is a Kamtschatka damsel with a store of 
 bear-skins, or a Lapland belle with a plenty of rein- 
 deer. The ladies, therefore, were very anxious to 
 display these powerful attractions to the greatest ad- 
 vantage ; and the best rooms of the house, instead of 
 being adorned with caricatures of dame Nature in 
 water-colours and needlework, were always hung 
 round with abundance of homespun garments, the 
 manufacture and the property of the females a piece 
 of laudable ostentation that still prevails among the 
 heiresses of our Dutch villages. Such were the 
 beauteous belles of the ancient city of New Amster- 
 dam, rivalling in primeval simplicity of manners the 
 renowned and courtly dames, so loftily sung by Dan 
 Homer who tells us that the princess Nausicaa 
 washed the family linen, and the fair Penelope wove 
 her own petticoats. 
 
 The gentlemen, in fact, who figured in the circles 
 of the gay world in these ancient times, corresponded, 
 in most particulars, with the beauteous damsels whose 
 smiles they were ambitious to deserve. True it is, 
 their merits would make but a very inconsiderable 
 impression upon the heart of a modern fair ; they 
 neither drove their curricles nor sported their tandems, 
 for as yet those gaudy vehicles were not even dreamed 
 of; neither did they distinguish themselves by their 
 brilliancy at the table, and their consequent rencontres 
 with watchmen ; for our forefathers were of too pacific 
 a disposition to need those guardians of the night, 
 every soul throughout the town being in full snore 
 before nine o'clock. Neither did they establish their 
 claims to gentility at the expense of their tailors, for 
 as yet those offenders against the pockets of society, 
 
128 HISTORY OF 
 
 and the tranquillity of all aspiring young gentlemen 
 were unknown in New Amsterdam ; every good 
 housewife made the clothes of her husband and 
 family, and even the goede vrouw of Van Twiller 
 himself thought it no disparagement to cut out her 
 husband's linsey woolsey galligaskins. 
 
 Not but what there were some two or three 
 youngsters who manifested the first dawnings of what 
 is called fire and spirit ; who held all labour in con- 
 tempt ; skulked about docks and market-places ; loi- 
 tered in the sunshine ; squandered what little money 
 they could procure at hustle-cap and chuck-farthing ; 
 swore, boxed, fought cocks, and raced their neigh- 
 bours' horses in short, who promised to be the 
 wonder, the talk, and abomination of the town, had 
 not their stylish career been unfortunately cut short 
 by an affair of honour with a whipping-post. 
 
 Far other, however, was the truly fashionable gen- 
 tleman of those days his dress, which served for 
 both morning and evening, street and drawing-room, 
 was a linsey woolsey coat, made, perhaps, by the fair 
 hands of the mistress of his affections, and gallantly 
 bedecked with abundance of large brass buttons. 
 Half a score of breeches heightened the proportions 
 of his figure his shoes were decorated by enormous 
 copper buckles a low-crowned broad-brimmed hat 
 overshadowed his burly visage, and his hair dangled 
 down his back in a prodigious queue of eel-skin. 
 
 Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth with 
 pipe in mouth to besiege some fair damsel's obdurate 
 heart not such a pipe, good reader, as that which 
 A cis did sweetly tune in praise of his Galatea, but 
 one of the true Delft manufacture, and furnished with 
 a charge of fragrant Cowpen tobacco. With this 
 would he resolutely set himself down before the for- 
 
NEW YORK. 129 
 
 tress, and rarely failed, in the process of time, to 
 smoke the fair enemy into a surrender upon honour- 
 able terms. 
 
 Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twiller, 
 celebrated in many a long-forgotten song as the real 
 golden age, the rest being nothing but counterfeit 
 copper-washed coin. In that delightful period a sweet 
 and holy calm reigned over the whole province. The 
 burgomaster smoked his pipe in peace the substantial 
 solace of his domestic cares, after her daily toils were 
 done, sat soberly at the door, with her arms crossed 
 over her apron of snowy white, without being insulted 
 by ribald street-walkers or vagabond boys those 
 unlucky urchins who do so infest our streets, display- 
 ing under the roses of youth the thorns and briers 
 of iniquity. Then it was that the lover with ten 
 breeches and the damsel with petticoats of half a 
 score indulged in all the innocent endearments of 
 virtuous love, without fear and without reproach, for 
 what had that virtue to fear which was defended by a 
 shield of good linsey woolseys, equal at least to the 
 seven bull-hides of the invincible Ajax ? 
 
 Ah blissful, and never to be forgotten age ! when 
 every thing was better than it has ever been since, or 
 ever will be again when Buttermilk channel was 
 quite dry at low water when the shad in the Hudson 
 were all salmon : and when the moon shone with a 
 pure and resplendent whiteness, instead of that melan- 
 choly yellow light, which is the consequence of her 
 sickening at the abominations she every night wit- 
 nesses in this degenerate city ! 
 
 Happy would it have been for New Amsterdam 
 could it always have existed in this state of blissful 
 ignorance and lowly simplicity ; but, alas I the days of 
 childhood are too sweet to last I Cities, like men, 
 grow out of them in time, and arc doomed alike to 
 K 
 
130 HISTORY OF 
 
 grow into the bustle, the cares, and miseries of the 
 world. Let no man congratulate himself when he 
 beholds the child of his bosom, or the city of his 
 birth, increasing in magnitude and importance let 
 the history of his own life teach him the dangers of 
 the one, and this history of Manna-hata convince him 
 of the calamities of the other. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 In which the Reader is beguiled into a delectable Walk, which 
 ends very differently from what it commenced. 
 
 IN the year of our Lord one thousand eight hun- 
 dred and four, on a fine afternoon, in the glowing month 
 of September, I took my customary walk upon the 
 battery, which is at once the pride and bulwark of this 
 ancient and impregnable city of New York. I remem- 
 ber well the season, for it immediately preceded that 
 remarkably cold winter, in which our sagacious corpo- 
 ration, in a freak of economical philanthropy, pulled 
 to pieces, at an expense of several hundred dollars, 
 the wooden ramparts which had cost them several 
 thousand ; and distributed the rotten fragments, which 
 were considerably less than nothing, among the shiver- 
 ing poor of the city. Never, since the fall of the 
 walls of Jericho, or the heaven-built battleme n ^.s of 
 Troy, had there been known such a demolition nor 
 did it go unpunished ; multitudes were blinded in vain 
 attempts to smoke themselves warm with this chari- 
 table substitute for firewood ; and an epidemic com- 
 plaint of sore eyes was moreover produced, which has 
 since recurred every winter, particularly among those 
 who undertake to burn rotten logs who warm them- 
 selves with the chanty of others or who use patent 
 chimneys. 
 
NEW YORK. 131 
 
 On the year and month just designated did I take 
 my accustomed walk of meditation, on that same bat- 
 tery, which, though at present no battery, furnishes 
 the most delightful walk, and commands the noblest 
 prospect in the whole known world. The ground on 
 which I trod was hallowed by recollections of the past ; 
 and as I slowly wandered through the long alley of 
 poplars, which, like so many birch brooms standing on 
 end diffused a melancholy and lugubrious shade, my 
 imagination drew a contrast between the surrounding 
 scenery, and what it was in the classic days of our 
 forefathers. Where the government house by name, 
 but the custom-house by occupation, proudly reared its 
 brick walls and wooden pillars, there whilome stood 
 the low, but substantial, red-tiled mansion of the 
 renowned Wouter Van Twiller. Around it the mighty 
 bulwarks of Fort Amsterdam frowned defiance to 
 every absent foe ; but, like many a whiskered warrior 
 and gallant militia captain, confined their martial deeds 
 to frowns alone ; alas ! those threatening bulwarks 
 had long since been sapped by time, and, like the walls 
 of Carthage, presented no traces to the inquiring eye 
 of the antiquarian. The mud breast- works had long 
 been levelled with the earth, and their site converted 
 into the green lawns and leafy alleys of the battery; 
 where the gay apprentice sported his Sunday coat, and 
 the laborious mechanic, relieved from the dirt and 
 drudgery of the week, poured his weekly tale of love 
 into the half-averted ear of the sentimental chamber- 
 maid. The capacious bay still presented the same 
 expansive sheet of water, studded with islands, sprinkled 
 with fishing boats, and bounded by shores of pictur- 
 esque beauty. But the dark forests which once 
 clothed these shores had been violated by the savage 
 hand of cultivation, and their tangled mazes and impe- 
 netrable thickets had degenerated into teeming orchards 
 K 2 
 
132 HISTORY OF 
 
 and waving fields of grain. Even Governor's Island, 
 once a smiling garden, appertaining to the sovereigns 
 of the province, was now covered with fortifications, 
 enclosing a tremendous block house so that this once 
 peaceful island resembled a fierce little warrior in a 
 big cocked hat, breathing gunpowder and defiance to 
 the world ! 
 
 For some time did I indulge in this pensive train 
 of thought ; contrasting, in sober sadness, the present 
 day with the hallowed years behind the mountains ; 
 lamenting the melancholy progress of improvement, 
 and praising the zeal with which our worthy burghers 
 endeavour to preserve the wrecks of venerable cus- 
 toms, prejudices, and errors, from the overwhelming 
 tide of modern innovation when by degrees my ideas 
 took a different turn, and I insensibly awaked to an 
 enjoyment of the beauties around me. 
 
 It was one of those rich autumnal days which 
 Heaven particularly bestows upon the beauteous island 
 of Manna- hata and its vicinity not a floating cloud 
 obscured the azure firmament the sun, rolling in 
 glorious splendour through his ethereal course, seemed 
 to expand his honest Dutch countenance into an un- 
 usual expression of benevolence, as he smiled his 
 evening salutation upon a city, which he delights to 
 visit with his most bounteous beams ; the very winds 
 seemed to hold in their breaths in mute attention, lest 
 they should ruffle the tranquillity of the hour and 
 the waveless bosom of the bay presented a polished 
 mirror, in which Nature beheld herself and smiled. 
 The standard of our city, which, like a choice hand- 
 kerchief, is reserved for days of gala, hung motionless 
 on the flag-staff, which forms the handle to a gigantic 
 churn ; and even the tremulous leaves of the poplar 
 i.nd the aspen, which, like the tongues of the immor- 
 tal sex, are seldom still, now ceased to vibrate to the 
 
NEW YORK. 133 
 
 breath of Heaven. Every thing seemed to acquiesce 
 in the profound repose of nature. The formidable 
 eighteen-pounders slept in the embrasures of the 
 wooden batteries, seemingly gathering fresh strength 
 to fight the battles of their country on the next 4th of 
 J u ly the solitary drum on Governor's Island forgot 
 to call the garrison to their shovels the evening gun 
 had not yet sounded its signal, for all the regular, 
 well-meaning poultry throughout the country, to go 
 to roost ; and the fleet of canoes, at anchor between 
 Gibbet Island and Communipaw, slumbered on their 
 rakes, and suffered the innocent oysters to lie for a 
 while unmolested, in the soft mud of their native 
 banks ! My own feelings sympathised with the conta- 
 gious tranquillity, and I should infallibly have dozed 
 upon one of those fragments of benches, which our 
 benevolent magistrates have provided for the benefit 
 of convalescent loungers, had not the extraordinary 
 inconvenience of the couch set all repose at defiance. 
 
 In the midst of this soothing slumber of the soul, 
 my attention was attracted to a black speck, peering 
 above the western horizon, just in the rear of Bergen 
 steeple gradually it augments and overhangs the 
 would-be cities of Jersey, Harsimus, and Hoboken, 
 which, like three jockeys, are starting on the course of 
 existence, and jostling each other at the commencement 
 of the race. Now it skirts the long shore of ancient 
 Pavonia, spreading its wide shadows from the high 
 settlements of Weehawk quite to the lazaretto and 
 quarantine, erected by the sagacity of our police, for 
 the embarrassment of commerce now it climbs the 
 serene vault of heaven, cloud rolling over cloud, like 
 successive billows, shrouding the orb of day, darkening 
 the vast expanse, and bearing thunder and hail and 
 tempest in its bosom. The earth seems agitated at the 
 confusion of the heavens the late waveless mirror 
 
134 HISTORY OF 
 
 is lashed into furious waves, that roll their broken 
 surges in hollow murmufs to the shore the oyster 
 boats, that erst sported in the placid vicinity of 
 Gibbet Island, now hurry affrighted to the shore the 
 late dignified, unbending poplar, writhes and twists 
 before the merciless blast descending torrents of 
 drenching rain and sounding hail deluge the battery- 
 walk, the gates are thronged by apprentices, servant 
 maids, and little Frenchmen, with their pocket hand- 
 kerchiefs over their hats, scampering from the storm 
 the late beauteous prospect presents one scene of 
 anarchy and wild uproar, as though old Chaos had 
 resumed his reign, and was hurling back, into one 
 vast turmoil, the conflicting elements of nature. Fancy 
 to yourself, oh reader I the awful combat sung by old 
 Hesiod, of Jupiter and the Titans fancy to yourself 
 the long rebellowing artillery of heaven, streaming at 
 the heads of the gigantic sons of earth. In short, 
 fancy to yourself all that has ever been said or sung 
 of tempest, storm, and hurricane, and you will save 
 me the trouble of describing it. 
 
 Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or 
 remained boldly at my post, as our gallant train band 
 captains, who march their soldiers through the rain 
 without flinching are points which I leave to the 
 conjecture of the reader. It is possible he may be a 
 little perplexed also to know the reason why I intro- 
 duced this most tremendous and unheard of tempest, 
 to disturb the serenity of my work. On this latter 
 point I will gratuitously instruct his ignorance. The 
 panorama view of the battery was given, merely to 
 gratify the reader with a correct description of that 
 celebrated place, and the parts adjacent: secondly, 
 the storm was played off, partly to give a little bustle 
 and life to this tranquil part of my work, and to keep 
 my drowsy readers from falling asleep; and partly to 
 
NEW YORK. 135 
 
 serve as a preparation, or rather an overture, to the 
 tempestous times that are about to assail the pacific 
 province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and that overhang 
 the slumberous administration of the renowned Wouter 
 Van Twiller. It is thus the experienced play-wright 
 puts all the fiddles, the French horns, the kettle-drums, 
 and trumpets of his orchestra in requisition, to usher 
 in one of those horrible and brimstone uproars, called 
 melo-drames : and it is thus he discharges his thunder, 
 his lightning, his rosin, and saltpetre, preparatory to 
 the raising of a ghost, or the murdering of a hero. 
 We will now proceed with our history. 
 
 Whatever may be advanced by philosophers to the 
 contrary, I am of opinion, that as to nations, the old 
 maxim, that " honesty is the best policy," is a sheer 
 and ruinous mistake. It might have answered well 
 ehough in the honest times when it was made ; but 
 in these degenerate days, if a nation pretends to rely 
 merely upon the justice of its dealings, it will fare 
 something like an honest man among thieves, who, 
 unless he have something more than his honesty to 
 depend upon, stands but a poor chance of profiting by 
 his company. Such at least was the case with the 
 guileless government of the New Netherlands ; which, 
 like a worthy unsuspicious old burgher, quietly settled 
 itself down into the city of New Amsterdam, as into 
 a snug elbow chair, and fell into a comfortable nap ; 
 while in the meantime its cunning neighbours stepped 
 in and picked its pockets. Thus may we ascribe the 
 commencement of all the woes of this great province, 
 and its magnificent metropolis, to the tranquil security, 
 or to speak more accurately, to the unfortunate honesty 
 of its government. But as I dislike to begin an 
 important part of my history towards the end of a 
 chapter ; and as my readers, like myself, must doubt- 
 less be fatigued with the long walk we have taken, 
 
136 HISTORY OF 
 
 and the tempest we have sustained, I hold it meet we 
 shut up the book, smoke a pipe, and having thus 
 refreshed our spirits, take a fair start in the next 
 chapter. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Faithfully describing the ingenious People of Connecticut and 
 thereabouts Showing, moreover, the true meaning of Liberty 
 of Conscience, and a curious Device among these sturdy Barba- 
 rians, to keep up a Harmony of Intercourse, and promote Popu- 
 lation. 
 
 THAT my readers may the more fully comprehend 
 the extent of the calamity, at this very moment im- 
 pending over the honest, unsuspecting province of 
 Nieuw Nederlandts, and its dubious governor, it is 
 necessary that I should give some account of a horde 
 of strange barbarians, bordering upon the eastern 
 frontier. 
 
 Now so it came to pass, that many years previous 
 to the time of which we are treating, the sage cabinet 
 of England had adopted a certain national creed, a 
 kind of public walk of faith, or rather a religious 
 turnpike, in which every loyal subject was directed to 
 travel to Zion taking care to pay the to II -gatherers 
 by the way. 
 
 Albeit a certain shrewd race of men, being very 
 much given to indulge their own opinions, on all 
 manners of subjects (a propensity exceedingly ob- 
 noxious to your free governments of Europe), did 
 most presumptuously dare to think for themselves in 
 matters of religion, exercising what they considered a 
 natural and unextinguishable right the liberty of 
 conscience. 
 
 As, however, they possessed that ingenuous habit 
 of mind which always thinks aloud ; which in a 
 
NEW YORK. 137 
 
 manner rides cock-a-hoop on the tongue, and is for ever 
 galloping into other people's ears ; it naturally followed 
 that their liberty of conscience likewise implied liberty 
 of speech, which being freely indulged, soon put the 
 country in a hubbub, and aroused the pious indigna- 
 tion of the vigilant fathers of the church. 
 
 The usual methods were adopted to reclaim them; 
 that in those days were considered so efficacious in 
 bringing back stray sheep to the fold ; that is to say, 
 they were coaxed, they were admonished, they were 
 menaced, they were buffeted line upon line, precept 
 upon precept, lash upon lash, here a little and there 
 a great deal, were exhausted without mercy, and 
 without success ; until at length the worthy pastors of 
 the church, wearied out by their unparalleled stub- 
 bornness, were driven, in the excess of their tender 
 mercy, to adopt the scripture text, and literally 
 " heaped live embers on their heads." 
 
 Nothing,' however, could subdue that invincible 
 spirit of independence which has ever distinguished 
 this singular race of people ; so that rather than 
 submit to such horrible tyranny, they one and all 
 embarked for the wilderness of America, where they 
 might enjoy unmolested the inestimable luxury of 
 talking. No sooner did they land on this loquacious 
 soil than, as if they had caught the disease from the 
 climate, they all lifted up their voices at once, and for 
 the space of one whole year did keep up such a joyful 
 clamour, that we are told they frightened every bird 
 and beast out of the neighbourhood, and so completely 
 dumb-founded certain fish, which abound on their 
 coast, that the have been called dumb -fish ever since. 
 
 From this simple circumstance, unimportant as it 
 may seem, did first originate that renowned privilege 
 so loudly boasted of throughout this country -which 
 is so eloquently exercised in newspapers, pamphlets, 
 
138 HISTORY OF 
 
 ward meetings, pot-house committees, and congres- 
 sional deliberations which establishes the right of 
 talking without ideas and without information of 
 misrepresenting public affairs of decrying public 
 measures of aspersing great characters, and destroy- 
 ing little ones : in short, that grand palladium of our 
 country, the liberty of speech. 
 
 The simple aborigines of the land for a while con- 
 templated these strange folk in utter astonishment ; 
 but discovering that they wielded harmless though 
 noisy weapons, and were a lively, ingenious, good- 
 humoured race of men, they became very friendly and 
 sociable, and gave them the name of Yanokies, which 
 in the Mais-Tchusaeg (or Massachusett) language 
 signifies silent men a waggish appellation, since 
 shortened into the familiar epithet of YANKEES, 
 which they retain unto the present day. 
 
 True it is, and my fidelity as an historian will not 
 allow me to pass it over in silence, that the zeal of 
 these good people, to maintain their rights and privi- 
 leges unimpaired, did for a while betray them into 
 errors, which it is easier to pardon than defend. 
 Having- served a regular apprenticeship in the school 
 of persecution, it behoved them to show that they had 
 become proficients in the art. They accordingly 
 employed their leisure hours in banishing-, scourging-, 
 or hanging- divers heretical papists, quakers, and ana- 
 baptists, for daring to abuse the liberty of conscience ; 
 which they now clearly proved to imply nothing- more 
 than that every man should think as he pleased in 
 matters of religion provided he thought right ; for 
 otherwise it would be giving- a latitude to damnable 
 heresies. Now as they (the majority) were perfectly 
 convinced they they alone thought right, it conse- 
 quently followed that whoever thought different from 
 them thoug-ht wrong ; and whoever thought wrong, 
 
NEW YORK. 139 
 
 and obstinately persisted in not being convinced and 
 converted, was a flagrant violator of the inestimable 
 liberty of conscience, and a corrupt arid infectious 
 member of the body politic, and deserved to be lopped 
 off and cast into the fire. 
 
 Now I'll warrant there are hosts of my readers 
 ready at once to lift up their hands and eyes, with that 
 virtuous indignation with which we always contem- 
 plate the faults and errors of our neighbours, and to 
 exclaim at these well-meaning but mistaken people, 
 for inflicting on others the injuries they had suffered 
 themselves for indulging the preposterous idea of 
 convincing the mind by tormenting the body, and 
 establishing the doctrine of charity and forbearance 
 by intolerant persecution. But, in simple truth, what 
 are we doing at this very day, and in this very enlight- 
 ened nation, but acting upon this very same principle, 
 in our political controversies ? Have we not within 
 but a few years released ourselves from the shackles 
 of a government, which cruelly denied us the privilege 
 of governing ourselves, and using in full latitude that 
 invaluable member, the tongue ? And are we not at 
 this very moment striving our best to tyrannise over 
 the opinions, tie up the tongues, or ruin the fortunes 
 of one another ? What are our great political societies 
 but mere political inquisitions ? Our pot-house com- 
 mittees, but little tribunals of denunciation ? -Our 
 newspapers, but mere whipping-posts and pillories, 
 where the unfortunate individuals are pelted with 
 rotten eggs ? 'And our council of appointment but a 
 grand auto dafe, where culprits are annually sacrificed 
 for their political heresies ? 
 
 Where then is the difference in principle between 
 our measures and those you are so ready to condemn 
 among the people I am treating ? There is none ; 
 the difference is merely circumstantial. Thus we 
 
140 HISTORY OF 
 
 denounce, instead of banishing we libel, instead of 
 scourging we turn out of office, instead of hang- 
 ing ; and where they burn an offender in proprid 
 persona, we either tar and feather or burn him in 
 effigy this political persecution being, some how or 
 other, the grand palladium of our liberties, and an 
 incontrovertible proof that this is a free country / 
 
 But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which 
 this holy war was prosecuted against the whole race 
 of unbelievers, we do not find that the population of 
 this new colony was in any ways hindered thereby ; 
 on the contrary, they multiplied to a degree which 
 would be incredible to any man unacquainted with the 
 marvellous fecundity of this growing country. 
 
 This amazing increase may indeed be partly ascribed 
 to a singular custom prevalent among them, and which 
 was probably borrowed from the ancient republic of 
 Sparta ; where we are told the young ladies, either 
 from being great romps and hoydens, or else, like many 
 modern heroines, very fond of meddling with matters 
 that did not appertain to their sex, used frequently to 
 engage with the men, in wrestling and other athletic 
 exercises of the gymnasium. The custom to which I 
 allude was vulgarly known by the name of bundling 
 a superstitious rite observed by the young people of 
 both sexes, with which they usually terminated their 
 festivities; and which was kept up with religious 
 strictness, by the more bigoted and vulgar part of the 
 community. This ceremony was likewise, in those 
 primitive times, considered as an indispensable preli- 
 minary to matrimony ; their courtships commencing 
 where ours usually finish. By which means they 
 acquired that intimate acquaintance with each other's 
 good qualities before marriage, which has been pro- 
 nounced by philosophers the sure basis of a happy 
 union. Thus early did this cunning and ingenious 
 
NEW YORK. 141 
 
 people display a shrewdness at making a bargain, 
 which has ever since distinguished them and a strict 
 adherence to the good old vulgar maxim about " buy- 
 ing a pig in a poke." 
 
 To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly 
 attribute the unparalleled increase of the Yanokie or 
 Yankee tribe; for it is a certain fact, well authenti- 
 cated by court records and parish registers, that 
 wherever the practice of bundling prevailed, there was 
 an amazing number of sturdy brats annually born unto 
 the state, without the licence of the law, or the benefit 
 of clergy ; and it is truly astonishing that the learned 
 Mai thus, in his treatise on population, has entirely 
 overlooked this singular fact. Neither did the irre- 
 gularity of their birth operate in the least to their dis- 
 paragement. On the contrary, they grew up a long- 
 sided, raw-boned, hardy race of whoreson whalers, 
 wood-cutters, fishermen, and pedlers, and strapping 
 corn -fed wenches ; who, by their united efforts, tended 
 marvellously towards populating those notable tracts 
 of country called Nantucket, Piscataway, and Cape 
 Cod. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Hovv these simple Barbarians turned out to be notorious Squat- 
 ters. How they built Air Castles, and attempted to initiate the 
 Nederlanders in the Mystery of Bundling. 
 
 IN the last chapter I have given a faithful and 
 unprejudiced account of the origin of that singular 
 race of people, inhabiting the country eastward of 
 the Nieuw Nederlandts ; but I have yet to mention 
 certain peculiar habits which rendered them exceed- 
 ingly obnoxious to our ever honoured Dutch ances- 
 tors. 
 
142 HISTORY OP 
 
 The most prominent of these was a certain rambling 
 propensity, with which, like the sons of Ishmael, they 
 seem to have been gifted by heaven, and which con- 
 tinually goads them on, to shift their residence from 
 place to place, so that a Yankee farmer is in a con- 
 stant state of migration ; tarrying occasionally here 
 and there ; clearing lands for other people to enjoy, 
 building houses for others to inhabit, and in a manner 
 may be considered the wandering Arab of America. 
 
 His first thought, on coming to the years of man- 
 hood, is to settle himself in the world which means 
 nothing more nor less than to begin his rambles. To 
 this end he takes unto himself for a wife some dash- 
 ing country heiress ; that is to say, a buxom rosy- 
 cheeked wench, passing rich in red ribands, glass 
 treads, and mock tortoiseshell combs, with a white 
 gown and morocco shoes for Sunday ; and deeply 
 skilled in the mystery of making apple sweetmeats, 
 long sauce, and pumpkin-pie. 
 
 Having thus provided himself, like a true pedler, 
 with a heavy knapsack, wherewith to regale his 
 shoulders through the journey of life, he literally sets 
 out on the peregrination. His whole family, house- 
 hold furniture and farming utensils, are hoisted into a 
 covered cart ; his own and his wife's wardrobe packed 
 up in a firkin : which done, he shoulders his axe, 
 takes staff in hand, whistles " yankee doodle," and 
 trudges off to the woods, as confident of the protection 
 of providence, and relying as cheerfully upon his own 
 resources, as did ever a patriarch of yore, when he 
 journeyed into a strange country of the Gentiles. 
 Having buried himself in the wilderness, he builds 
 himself a log hut, clears away a corn field and potato 
 patch, and, Providence smiling upon his labours, is 
 soon surrounded by a snug farm and some half a score 
 of flaxen-headed urchins, who, by their size, seem to 
 
NEW YORK. 143 
 
 have sprung all at once out of the earth, like a crop of 
 toadstools. 
 
 But it is not the nature of this most indefatigable 
 of speculators to rest contented with any state of sub- 
 lunary enjoyment -improvement is his darling passion, 
 and having thue improved his lands, his next care is 
 to provide a mansion worthy the residence of a land- 
 holder. A huge palace of pine boards immediately 
 springs up in the midst of the wilderness, large enough 
 for a parish church, and furnished with windows of all 
 dimensions, but so rickety and flimsy withal, that 
 every blast gives it a fit of the ague. 
 
 By the time the outside of this mighty air-castle is 
 completed, either the funds or the zeal of our adven- 
 turer are exhausted, so that he barely manages to half 
 finish one room within, where the whole family bur- 
 row together ; while the rest of the house is devoted 
 to the curing of pumpkins, or storing of carrots and 
 potatoes, and is decorated with fanciful festoons of 
 wilted peaches and dried apples. The outside remain 
 ing unpainted, grows venerably black with time ; the 
 family wardrobe is laid under contribution for old 
 hats, petticoats, and breeches, to stuff into the broken 
 windows ; while the four winds of heaven keep up 
 a whistling and howling about this aerial palace, and 
 play as many unruly gambols, as they did of yore, in 
 the cave of old ^Eolus. 
 
 The humble log hut, which whilome nestled this 
 improving family snugly within its narrow, but com- 
 fortable walls, stands hard by in ignominious contrast, 
 degraded into a cow-house or pigsty ; and the whole 
 scene reminds one forcibly of a fable, which I am sur- 
 prised has never been recorded, of an aspiring snail, 
 who quits his humble habitation, which he filled with 
 great respectability, to crawl into the empty shell of a 
 lobster where he, no doubt, would have resided with 
 
144 HISTORY OF 
 
 great style and splendour, the envy and hate of all 
 the pains-taking snails of his neighbourhood, had he 
 not accidentally perished with cold in one corner of 
 his stupendous mansion. 
 
 Being thus completely settled, and, to use his own 
 words, " to rights," one would imagine that he would 
 begin to enjoy the comforts of his situation, to read 
 newspapers, talk politics, neglect his own business, 
 and attend to the affairs of the nation, like a useful 
 and patriotic citizen ; but now it is that his wayward 
 disposition begins again to operate. He soon grows 
 tired of a spot where there is no longer any room for 
 improvement, sells his farm, air-castle, petticoat-win- 
 dows and all, reloads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts 
 himself at the head of his family, and wanders away in 
 search of new lands again to fell trees again to 
 clear corn fields again to build a shingle palace, and 
 again to sell off, and wander. 
 
 Such were the people of Connecticut, who bordered 
 upon the eastern frontier of Nieuw Nederlandts, and 
 my readers may easily imagine what obnoxious neigh- 
 bours this light-hearted, but restless tribe, must have 
 been to our tranquil progenitors. If they cannot, I 
 would ask them if they have ever known one of our 
 regular, well-organised Dutch families, whom it hath 
 pleased heaven to afflict with the neighbourhood of a 
 French boarding-house. The honest old burgher can- 
 not take his afternoon's pipe, on the bench before his 
 xloor, but he is persecuted with the scraping of fiddles, 
 the chattering of women, and the squalling of chil- 
 dren he cannot sleep at night for the horrible melo- 
 dies of some amateur, who chooses to serenade the 
 moon, and display his terrible proficiency in execution, 
 by playing demisemiquavers in alt on the clarionet, 
 the hautboy, or some other soft-toned instrument 
 nor can he leave the street-door open, but his house 
 
NEW YORK. 145 
 
 is defiled by the unsavoury visits of a troop of pug 
 dogs, who even sometimes carry their loathsome 
 ravages into the sanctum sanctorum, the parlour. 
 
 If my readers have ever witnessed the sufferings of 
 such a family, so situated, they may form some idea 
 how our worthy ancestors were distressed by their 
 mercurial neighbours of Connecticut. 
 
 Gangs of these marauders, we are told, penetrated 
 into the New Netherland settlements, and threw 
 whole villages into consternation by their unparal- 
 leled volubility, and their intolerable inquisitiveness 
 two evil habits hitherto unknown in those parts, or 
 only known to be abhorred; for our ancestors were 
 noted, as being men of truly Spartan taciturnity, and 
 who neither knew nor cared aught about anybody's 
 concerns but their own. Many enormities were com- 
 mitted on the highways, where several unoffending 
 burghers were brought to a stand, and tortured with 
 questions and guesses ; which outrages occasioned as 
 much vexation and heart-burning as does the modern 
 right of search on the high seas. 
 
 Great jealousy did they likewise stir up, by their 
 intermeddling and successes among the divine sex ; for 
 being a race of brisk, lively, pleasant tongued varlets, 
 they soon seduced the light affections of the simple 
 damsels from their ponderous Dutch gallants. Among 
 other hideous customs, they attempted to introduce 
 among them that of bundling, which the Dutch lasses 
 of the Nederlandts, with that eager passion for novelty 
 and foreign fashions natural to their sex, seemed very 
 well inclined to follow ; but that their mothers, being 
 more experienced in the world, and better acquainted 
 with men and things, strenuously discountenanced all 
 such outlandish innovations. 
 
 But what chiefly operated to embroil our ancestors 
 with these strange folk, was an unwarrantable liberty 
 
 L 
 
146 HISTORY OF 
 
 which they occasionally took, of entering in hordes 
 into the territories of the New Netherlands, and set- 
 tling themselves down, without leave or licence, to 
 improve the land, in the manner I have before noticed. 
 This unceremonious mode of taking possession of 
 new land was technically termed squatting, and 
 hence is derived the appellation of squatters; a name 
 odious in the ears of all great landholders, and which 
 is given to those enterprising worthies, who seize upon 
 land first, and take their chance to make good their 
 title to it afterwards. 
 
 All these grievances, and many others which were 
 constantly accumulating, tended to form that dark 
 and portentous cloud which, as I observed in a former 
 chapter, was slowly gathering over the tranquil pro- 
 vince of New Netherlands. The pacific cabinet of 
 Van Twiller, however, as will be perceived in the 
 sequel, bore them all with a magnanimity that re- 
 dounds to their immortal credit becoming by passive 
 endurance inured to this increasing mass of wrongs ; 
 like the sage old woman of Ephesus, who by dint of 
 carrying about a calf from the time it was born, conti- 
 nued to carry it without difficulty when it had grown 
 to be an ox. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 How the Fort Goed Hoop was fearfully beleaguered how the 
 renowned Wouter fell into a profound Doubt, and how he finally 
 evaporated. 
 
 BY this time my readers must fully perceive what an 
 arduous task I have undertaken collecting and col- 
 lating with painful minuteness the chronicles of past 
 times, whose events almost defy the powers of research 
 -exploring a little kind of Herculaneum of history, 
 which had lain nearly for ages buried under the rub- 
 
NEW YORK. 147 
 
 bish of years, and almost totally forgotten raking up 
 the limbs and fragments of disjointed facts ; and 
 endeavouring to put them scrupulously together, so as 
 to restore them to their original form and connexion 
 now lugging forth the character of an almost for- 
 gotten hero, like a mutilated statue now deciphering 
 a half-defaced inscription ; and now lighting upon a 
 mouldering manuscript, which, after painful study, 
 scarcely repays the trouble of perusal. 
 
 In such case how much has the reader to depend 
 upon the honour and probity of his author, lest, like 
 a cunning antiquarian, he either impose upon him 
 some spurious fabrication of his own, for a precious 
 relique from antiquity, or else dress up the dismem- 
 bered fragment with such false trappings, that it is 
 scarcely possible to distinguish the truth from the fic- 
 tion with which it is enveloped. This is a grievance 
 which I have more than once had to lament, in the 
 course of my wearisome researches among the works 
 of my fellow historians ; who have strangely disguised 
 and distorted the facts respecting this country ; and 
 particularly respecting the great province of New 
 Netherlands ; as will be perceived by any who will 
 take the trouble to compare their romantic effusions, 
 tricked out in the meretricious gauds of fable, with 
 this authentic history. 
 
 I have had more vexations of the kind to encounter, 
 in those parts of my history which treat of the trans- 
 actions on the eastern border, than in any other, in 
 consequence of the troops of historians who have 
 infested those quarters, and have shown the honest 
 people of Nieuw Nederlandts no mercy in their works. 
 Among the rest, Mr. Benjamin Trumbull arrogantly 
 declares, that " the Dutch were always mere in- 
 truders." ^Now to this I shall make no other reply 
 than to proceed in the steady narration of my historv, 
 L 2 
 
148 HISTORY OF 
 
 which will contain not only proofs that the Dutch had 
 clear title and possession in the fair valleys of the 
 Connecticut, and that they were wrongfully dispos- 
 sessed thereof; but likewise that they have been 
 scandalously maltreated ever since, by the misrepre- 
 sentations of the crafty historians of New England. 
 And in this I shall be guided by a spirit of truth and 
 impartiality, and a regard to immortal fame; for I 
 would not wittingly dishonour my work by a single 
 falsehood, misrepresentation, or prejudice, though it 
 should gain our forefathers the whole country of New 
 England. 
 
 It was at an early period of the province, and pre- 
 vious to the arrival of the renowned Wouter, that the 
 cabinet of Nieuw Nederlandts purchased the lands 
 about the Connecticut, and established, for their super- 
 intendence and protection, a fortified post on the banks 
 of the river, which was called Fort Goed Hoop, and 
 was situated hard by the present fair city of Hartford. 
 The command of this important post, together with 
 the rank, title, and appointments of commissary, were 
 given in charge to the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, or, 
 as some historians will have it, Van Curlis ; a most 
 doughty soldier, of that stomachful class, of which we 
 have such numbers on parade days ; who are famous 
 for eating all they kill. He was of a very soldierlike 
 appearance, and would have been an exceeding tall 
 man, had his legs been in proportion to his body ; but 
 the latter being long, and the former uncommonly 
 short, it gave him the uncouth appearance of a tall 
 man's body, mounted upon a little man's legs. He 
 made up for this turnspit construction of body by 
 throwing his legs to such an extent when he marched, 
 that you would have sworn he had on the identical 
 seven-league boots of the farfamed Jack the giant 
 killer ; and so astonishingly high did he tread on 
 
NEW YORK. 149 
 
 any great military occasion, that his soldiers were 
 ofttimes alarmed, lest he should trample himself under 
 foot. 
 
 But notwithstanding the erection of this fort, and 
 the appointment of this ugly little man of war as a 
 commander, the intrepid Yankees continued those 
 daring interlopings which I have hinted at in my last 
 chapter ; and, taking advantage of the character which 
 the cabinet of Wouter Van Twiller soon acquired for 
 profound and phlegmatic tranquillity did audaciously 
 invade the territories of the Nieuw Nederlandts, and 
 squat themselves down within the very jurisdiction of 
 Fort Goed Hoop. 
 
 On beholding this outrage, the long-bodied Van 
 Curlet proceeded as became a prompt and valiant 
 officer. He immediately protested against these un- 
 warrantable encroachments, in low Dutch, by way of 
 inspiring more terror, and forthwith despatched a 
 copy of the protest to the governor at New Amster- 
 dam, together with a long and bitter account of the 
 aggressions of the enemy. This done, he ordered 
 his men, one and all, to be of good cheer shut the 
 gate of the fort, smoked three pipes, went to bed, and 
 awaited the result with a resolute and intrepid tran- 
 quillity, that greatly animated his adherents, and no 
 doubt struck sore dismay and affright into the hearts 
 of the enemy. 
 
 Now it came to pass, that, about this time, the re- 
 nowned Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and honours, 
 and council dinners, had reached that period of life 
 and faculty which, according to the great Gulliver, 
 entitles a man to admission into the ancient order of 
 Struldbruggs. He employed his time in smoking his 
 Turkish pipe, amid an assemblage of sages, equally 
 enlightened, and nearly as venerable as himself, and 
 who, for their silence, their gravity, their wisdom, and 
 
150 HISTORY OF 
 
 their cautious averseness to coming to any conclusion 
 in business, are only to be equalled by certain pro- 
 found corporations which I have known in my time. 
 Upon reading the protest of the gallant Jacobus Van 
 Curlet, therefore, his excellency fell straightway into 
 one of the deepest doubts that ever he was known to 
 encounter ; his capacious head gradually drooped on 
 his chest *, he closed his eyes, and inclined his ear 
 to one side, as if listening with greatest attention to 
 the discussion that was going on in his belly; which 
 all who knew him declared to be the huge court- 
 house, or council-chamber of his thoughts ; forming 
 to his head what the house of representatives do to 
 the senate. An inarticulate sound, very much re- 
 sembling a snore, occasionally escaped him ; but the 
 nature of this internal cogitation was never known, as 
 he never opened his lips on the subject to man, 
 woman, or child. In the meantime, the protest of 
 Van Curlet laid quietly on the table, where it served 
 to light the pipes of the venerable sages assembled in 
 council ; and in the great smoke which they raised, 
 the gallant Jacobus, his protest, and his mighty Fort 
 Goed Hoop, were soon as completely beclouded and 
 forgotten, as is a question of emergency swallowed up 
 in the speeches and resolutions of a modern session 
 of congress. 
 
 There are certain emergencies when your profound 
 legislators and sage deliberative councils are mightily 
 in the way of a nation ; and when an ounce of hair- 
 brained decision is worth a pound of sage doubt and 
 cautious discussion. Such at least was the case at 
 present ; for while the renowned Wouter Van Twiller 
 was daily battling with his doubts, and his resolution 
 
 * Perplexed with vast affairs of state and town, 
 His great head being overset, hangs down. 
 
 TELECLIDES, in Pericles. 
 
NEW YORK. 151 
 
 growing weaker and weaker in the contest, the enemy 
 pushed further and further into his territories, and 
 assumed a most formidable appearance in the neigh- 
 bourhood of Fort Goed Hoop. Here they founded 
 the mighty town of Pyquag, or, as it has since been 
 called, Weathersfield ; a place which, if we may credit 
 the assertions of that worthy historian John Josselyn, 
 Gent., " hath been infamous by reason of the witches 
 therein." And so daring did these men of Pyquag 
 become that they extended those plantations of onions, 
 for which their town is illustrious, under the very 
 noses of the garrison of Fort Goed Hoop insomuch 
 that the honest Dutchmen could not look toward that 
 quarter without tears in their eyes. 
 
 This crying injustice was regarded with proper 
 indignation by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet. He 
 absolutely trembled with the amazing violence of his 
 choler, and the exacerbations of his valour ; which 
 seemed to be the more turbulent in their workings, 
 from the length of the body in which they were 
 agitated. He forthwith proceeded to strengthen his 
 redoubts, heighten his breastworks, deepen his fosse, 
 and fortify his position with a double row of abbatis ; 
 after which valiant precautions, he, with unexampled 
 intrepidity, despatched a fresh courier with tremendous 
 accounts of his perilous situation. Never did the 
 modern hero, who immortalised himself at the second 
 Sabine war, show greater valour in the art of letter 
 writing, or distinguish himself more gloriously upon 
 paper, than the heroic Van Curlet. 
 
 The courier chosen to bear these alarming de- 
 spatches was a fat, oily little man, as being least liable 
 to be worn out, or to lose leather on the journey; 
 and to insure his speed, he was mounted on the 
 fleetest wagon-horse in the garrison, remarkable for 
 his length of limb, largeness of bone, and hardness of 
 
152 HISTORY OF 
 
 trot ; and so tall, that the little messenger was obliged 
 to climb on his back by means of his tail and crupper. 
 Such extraordinary speed did he make, that he arrived 
 at Fort Amsterdam in little less than a month, though 
 the distance was full two hundred pipes, or about 120 
 miles. 
 
 The extraordinary appearance of this portentous 
 stranger would have thrown the whole town of New 
 Amsterdam into a quandary, had the good people 
 troubled themselves about anything more than their 
 domestic affairs. With an appearance of great hurry 
 and business, and smoking a short travelling-pipe, he 
 proceeded on a long swing trot through the muddy 
 lanes of the metropolis, demolishing whole batches of 
 dirt-pies, which the little Dutch children were making 
 in the road ; and for which kind of pastry the children 
 of this city have ever been famous. On arriving at 
 the governor's house, he climbed down from his steed 
 in great trepidation roused the grey-headed door- 
 keeper, old Skaats, who, like his lineal descendant 
 and faithful representative, the venerable crier of our 
 court, was nodding at his post rattled at the door of 
 the council-chamber, and startled the members as 
 they were dozing over a plan for establishing a public 
 market. 
 
 At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather a 
 deep-drawn snore was heard from the chair of the 
 governor, a whiff of smoke was at the same instant 
 observed to escape from his lips, and a light cloud to 
 ascend from the bowl of his pipe. The council of 
 course supposed him engaged in deep sleep for the 
 good of the community, and, according to .custom in all 
 such cases established, every man bawled out Silence, 
 in order to maintain tranquillity ; when of a sudden 
 the door flew open, and the little courier straddled 
 into the apartment, cased to the middle in a pair of 
 
G.Ccuitashank.ad 
 
 
 London-. Published \yThouiasTegg-&Son.Cheapside.l."FebTi836. 
 
NEW YORK. 153 
 
 Hessian boots, which he had got into for the sake of 
 expedition. In his right hand he held forth the 
 ominous despatches, and with his left he grasped firmly 
 the waistband of his galligaskins, which had unfortu- 
 nately given way in the exertion of descending from 
 his horse. He stumped resolutely up to the governor, 
 and with more hurry than perspicuity delivered his 
 message. But fortunately his ill tidings came too 
 late to ruffle the tranquillity of this most tranquil of 
 rulers. His venerable excellency had just breathed 
 and smoked his last his lungs and his pipe having 
 been exhausted together, and his peaceful soul having 
 escaped in the last whiff that curled from his tobacco 
 pipe. In a word, the renowned Walter the Doubter, 
 who had so often slumbered with his contemporaries, 
 now slept with his fathers, and Wilhelmus Kieft 
 governed in his stead. 
 
 END OF BOOK THIRD. 
 
154 
 
 HISTORY OF 
 
 BOOK IV. 
 
 CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN OF WILLIAM THE TESTY. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Showing the Nature of History in general ; containing furthermore 
 the universal Acquirements of William the Testy, and how a 
 Man may learn so much as to render himself good for Nothing. 
 
 WHEN the lofty Thucydides is about to enter on 
 his description of the plague that desolated Athens, 
 one of his modern commentators* assures the reader, 
 that his history " is now going to be exceeding solemn, 
 serious, and pathetic;" and hints, with that air of 
 chuckling gratulation, with which a good dame draws 
 forth a choice morsel from a cupboard to regale a 
 favourite, that this plague will give his history a most 
 agreeable variety. 
 
 In like manner did my heart leap within me when 
 I came to the dolorous dilemma of Fort Good Hope, 
 which I at once perceived to be the forerunner of a 
 series of great events and entertaining disasters. 
 Such are the true subjects for the historic pen. For 
 what is history, in fact, but a kind of Newgate calendar, 
 a register of the crimes and miseries that man has 
 inflicted on his fellow man. It is a huge libel on 
 human nature, to which we industriously add page 
 after page, volume after volume, as if we were building 
 up a monument to the honour rather than the infamy 
 
 * Smith's Thucyd. Vol. I. 
 
NEW YORK. 155 
 
 of our species. If we turn over the pages of these 
 chronicles that man has written of himself, what are 
 the characters dignified by the appellation of great, 
 and held up to the admiration of posterity ? Tyrants, 
 rohbers, conquerors, renowned only for the magnitude 
 of their misdeeds and the stupendous wrongs and 
 miseries they have inflicted on mankind warriors, 
 who have hired themselves to the trade of blood, not 
 from motives of virtuous patriotism," or to protect the 
 injured and defenceless, but merely to gain the vaunted 
 glory of being adroit and successful in massacring 
 their fellow beings ! What are the great events that 
 constitute a glorious era ? The fall of empires the 
 desolation of happy countries splendid cities smoking 
 in their ruins the proudest works of art tumbled in 
 the dust the shrieks and groans of whole nations 
 ascending unto heaven ! 
 
 It is thus the historians may be said to thrive on 
 the miseries of mankind they are like the birds of 
 prey that hover over the field of battle, to fatten on 
 the mighty dead. It was observed by a great pro- 
 jector of inland lock navigation, that rivers, lakes, and 
 oceans were only formed to feed canals. In like 
 manner I am tempted to believe, that plots, conspi- 
 racies, wars, victories, and massacres are ordained by 
 providence only as food for the historian. 
 
 It is a source of great delight to the philosopher in 
 studying the wonderful economy of nature, to trace the 
 mutual dependencies of things, how they are created 
 reciprocally for each other, and how the most noxious 
 and apparently unnecessary animal has its uses. Thus 
 those swarms of flies, which are so often execrated as 
 useless vermin, are created for the sustenance of 
 spiders ; and spiders, on the other hand, are evidently 
 made to devour flies. So those heroes who have been 
 such pests in the world were bounteously provided as 
 
156 HISTORY OF 
 
 themes for the poet and the historian, while the poet 
 and historian were destined to record the achievements 
 of heroes ! 
 
 These and many similar reflections naturally arose 
 in my mind as I took up my pen to commence the 
 reign of William Kieft ; for now the stream of our 
 history, which hitherto has rolled in a tranquil cur- 
 rent, is about to depart for ever from its peaceful 
 haunts, and brawl through many a turbulent and 
 rugged scene. Like some sleek ox, which having fed 
 and fattened in a rich clover field, lies sunk in luxu- 
 rious repose, arid will bear repeated taunts and blows 
 before it heaves its unwieldy limbs, and clumsily 
 arouses from its slumbers ; so the province of the Nieuw 
 Nederlandts, being long thriven and grown corpulent 
 under the prosperous reign of the Doubter, was reluc- 
 tantly awakened to a melancholy conviction that, by 
 patient sufferance, its grievances had become so niv 
 merous and aggravating, that it was preferable to 
 repel than endure them. The reader will now witness 
 the manner in which a peaceful community advances 
 towards a state of war ; which it is too apt to approach, 
 as a horse does a drum, with much prancing and 
 parade, but with little progress, and too often with 
 the wrong end foremost. 
 
 WILHELMUS KIEFT, who in 1634 ascended the 
 Gubernatorial chair (to borrow a favourite though 
 clumsy appellation of modern phraseologists), was in 
 form, feature, and character, the very reverse of 
 Wouter Van Twiller, his renowned predecessor. He 
 was of very respectable descent, his father being In- 
 spector of Windmills in the ancient town of Saardam ; 
 and our hero, we are told, made very curious investi- 
 gations into the nature and operations of those ma- 
 chines when a boy, which is one reason why he after- 
 wards came to be so ingenious a governor. His 
 
NEW YORK. 157 
 
 name, according to the most ingenious etymologists, 
 was a corruption of Kyver, that is to say, a wrangler 
 or scolder, and expressed the hereditary disposition 
 of his family, which, for nearly two centuries, had 
 kept the windy town of Saardam in hot water, and 
 produced more tartars and brimstones than any ten 
 families in the place ; and so truly did Wilhelmus 
 Kieft inherit this family endowment, that he had 
 scarcely been a year in the discharge of his govern- 
 ment, before he was universally known by the appel- 
 lation of WILLIAM THE TESTY. 
 
 He was a brisk, waspish, little old gentleman, who 
 had dried and withered away, partly through the na- 
 tural process of years, and partly from being parched 
 and burned up by his fiery soul, which blazed like 
 a vehement rushlight in his bosom, constantly inciting 
 him to most valorous broils, altercations, and misad- 
 ventures. I have heard it observed by a profound 
 and philosophical judge of human nature, that if a 
 woman waxes fat as she grows old, the tenure of her 
 life is very precarious ; but if haply she withers, she 
 lives for ever : such likewise was the case with Wil- 
 liam the Testy, who grew tougher in proportion as he 
 dried. He was some such a little Dutchman as we 
 may now and then see, stumping briskly about the 
 streets of our city, in a broad-skirted coat, with but- 
 tons nearly as large as the shield of Ajax, an old- 
 fashioned cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, 
 and a cane as high as his chin. His visage was broad, 
 but his featutes sharp ; his nose turned up with a most 
 petulant curl ; his cheeks, like the regions of Terra 
 del Fuego, were scorched into a dusky red doubtless 
 in consequence of the neighbourhood of two fierce 
 little gray eyes, through which his torrid soul beamed 
 as fervently as a tropical sun blazing through a pair of 
 burning glasses. The corners of his mouth were curi- 
 
1-58 HISTORY OF 
 
 ously modelled into a kind of fret-work, not a little re- 
 sembling the wrinkled proboscis of an irritable pug dog; 
 in a word, he was one of the most positive, restless, 
 ugly little men that ever put himself in a passion about 
 nothing. 
 
 Such were the personal endowments of William the 
 Testy ; but it was the sterling riches of his mind that 
 raised him to dignity and power. In his youth he had 
 passed with great credit through a celebrated academy 
 at the Hague, noted for producing finished scholars 
 with a despatch unequalled, except by certain of our 
 American colleges, which seem to manufacture bache- 
 lors of arts by some patent machine. Here he skir- 
 mished very smartly on the frontiers of several of the 
 sciences, and made so gallant an inroad in the dead 
 languages, as to bring off captive a host of Greek 
 nouns and Latin verbs, together with divers pithy 
 saws and apophthegms; all which he constantly 
 paraded in conversation and writing, with as much 
 vain-glory as would a triumphant general of yore 
 display the spoils of the countries he had ravaged. 
 He had moreover puzzled himself considerably with 
 logic, in which he had advanced so far as to attain a 
 very familiar acquaintance, by name at least, with the 
 whole family of syllogisms and dilemmas ; but what 
 he chiefly valued himself on was his knowledge of 
 metaphysics, in which having once upon a time ven- 
 tured too deeply, he came well nigh being smothered 
 in a slough of unintelligible learning a fearful peril, 
 from the effects of which he never perfectly recovered. 
 In plain words, like many other profound intermed- 
 dlers in this abstruse, bewildering science, he so con- 
 fused his brain with abstract speculations which he 
 could not comprehend, and artificial distinctions which 
 he could not realise, that he could never think clearly 
 on any subject, however simple, through the whole 
 
NEW YORK. 159 
 
 course of his life afterwards. This, I must confess, 
 was in some measure a misfortune, for he never 
 engaged in argument, of which he was exceedingly 
 fond, but what, between logical deductions and meta- 
 physical jargon, he soon involved himself and his sub- 
 ject in a fog of contradictions and perplexities, and 
 then would get into a mighty passion with his adver- 
 sary, for not being convinced gratis. 
 
 It is in knowledge as in swimming, he who osten- 
 tatiously sports and flounders on the surface, makes 
 more noise and splashing, and attracts more attention 
 than the industrious pearl diver, who plunges in search 
 of treasures to the bottom. The " universal acquire- 
 ments " of William Kieft were the subject of great 
 marvel and admiration among his countrymen ; he 
 figured about at the Hague with as much vain-glory 
 as does a profound Bonze at Pekin, who has mastered 
 half the letters of the Chinese alphabet ; and, in a 
 word, was unanimously pronounced a universal genius. 
 I have known many universal geniuses in my time, 
 though, to speak my mind freely, I never knew one, 
 who, for the ordinary purposes of life, was worth his 
 weight in straw ; but for the purposes of government, 
 a little sound judgment, and plain common sense, is 
 worth all the sparkling genius that ever wrote poetry 
 or invented theories. 
 
 Strange as it may sound, therefore, the universal 
 acquirements of the illustrious Wilhelmus were very 
 much in his way; and had he been a less learned 
 man, it is possible he would have been a much greater 
 governor. He was exceedingly fond of trying philo- 
 sophical and political experiments : and having stuffed 
 his head full of scraps and remnants of ancient re- 
 publics, and oligarchies, and aristocracies, and mo- 
 narchies, and the laws of Solon, and Lycurgus, and 
 Charondas, and the imaginary commonwealth of Plato, 
 
160 HISTORY OF 
 
 and the Pandects of Justinian, and a thousand other 
 fragments of venerable antiquity, he was for eyer 
 bent upon introducing some one or other of them into 
 use ; so that between one contradictory measure and 
 another, he entangled the government of the little 
 province of Nieuw Nederlandts in more knots, during 
 his administration, than half a dozen successors could 
 have untied. 
 
 . No sooner had this bustling little man been blown 
 by a whiff of fortune in the seat of government, than 
 he called together his council, and delivered a very 
 animated speech on the affairs of the province. As 
 every body knows what a glorious opportunity a 
 governor, a president, or even an emperor has of 
 drubbing his enemies in his speeches, messages, and 
 bulletins, where he has the talk all on his own side, 
 they may be sure the high-mettled William Kieft did 
 not suffer so favourable an occasion to escape him, of 
 evincing that gallantry of tongue common to all able 
 legislators. Before he commenced, it is recorded 
 that he took out his pocket-handkerchief, and gave a 
 very sonorous blast of the nose, according to the 
 usual custom of great orators. This, in general, I 
 believe, is intended as a signal trumpet, to call the 
 attention of the auditors ; but with William the Testy 
 it boasted a more classic cause, for he had read of the 
 singular expedient of that famous demagogue Caius 
 Gracchus, who, when he harangued the Roman popu- 
 lace, modulated his tones by an oratorical flute or 
 pitch-pipe. 
 
 This preparatory symphony being performed, he 
 commenced by expressing an humble sense of his own 
 want of talents, his utter unworthiness of the honour 
 conferred upon him, and his humiliating incapacity to 
 discharge the important duties of his new station : in 
 short, he expressed so contemptible an opinion of 
 
NEW YORK. 161 
 
 himself, that many simple country members present, 
 ignorant that these were mere words of course, always 
 used on such occasions, were very uneasy, and even 
 felt wroth that he should accept an office for which he 
 was consciously so inadequate. 
 
 He then proceeded in a manner highly classic, pro- 
 foundly erudite, and nothing at all to the purpose ; 
 being nothing more than a pompous account of all 
 the governments of ancient Greece, and the wars of 
 Rome and Carthage, together with the rise and fall of 
 sundry outlandish empires, about which the assembly 
 knew no more than their great-grandchildren who 
 were yet unborn. Thus having, after the manner of 
 your learned orators, convinced the audience that he 
 was a man of many words and great erudition, he at 
 length came to the less important part of his speech, 
 the situation of the province ; and here he soon 
 worked himself into a fearful rage against the Yankees, 
 whom he compared to the Gauls who desolated Rome, 
 and the Goths and Vandals who overran the fairest 
 plains of Europe nor did he forget to mention, in 
 terms of adequate opprobrium, the insolence with 
 which they had encroached upon the territories of 
 New Netherlands, and the unparalleled audacity with 
 which they had commenced the town of New Ply- 
 mouth, and planted the onion patches of Weathersfield 
 under the very walls of Fort Goed Hoop. 
 
 Having thus artfully wrought up his tale of terror 
 to a climax, he assumed a self-satisfied look, and de- 
 clared, with a nod of knowing import, that he had 
 taken measures to put a final stop to these encroach- 
 ments that he had been obliged to have recourse to 
 a dreadful engine of warfare, lately invented, awful in 
 its effects, but authorised by direful necessity. In a 
 word, he was resolved to conquer the Yankees by 
 proclamation. 
 
 M 
 
162 HISTORY OF 
 
 For this purpose he had prepared a tremendous 
 instrument of the kind, ordering, commanding, and 
 enjoining the intruders aforesaid forthwith to remove, 
 depart, and withdraw from the districts, regions, and 
 territories aforesaid, under pain of suffering all the 
 penalties, forfeitures, and punishments in such case 
 made and provided, &c. This proclamation, he as- 
 sured them, would at once exterminate the enemy 
 from the face of the country ; and he pledged his 
 valour as a governor, that within two months after it 
 was published, not one stone should remain on another 
 in any of the towns which they had built. 
 
 The council remained for some time silent after he 
 had finished ; whether struck dumb with admiration 
 at the brilliancy of his project, or put to sleep by the 
 length of his harangue, the history of the times does 
 not mention. Suffice it to say, they at length gave a 
 general grunt of acquiescence ; the proclamation was 
 immediately despatched with due ceremony, having 
 the great seal of the province, which was about the 
 size of a buckwheat pancake, attached to it by a 
 broad red riband. Governor Kieft, having thus 
 vented his indignation, felt greatly relieved ad- 
 journed the council sine die put on his cocked hat 
 and corduroy small-elothes, and, mounting a tall raw- 
 boned charger, trotted out to his country-seat, which 
 was situated in a sweet, sequestered swamp, now 
 called Dutch Street, but more commonly known by 
 the name of Dog's Misery. 
 
 Here, like the god Numa, he reposed from the toils 
 of legislation, taking lessons in government, not from 
 the Nymph Egeria, but from the honoured wife of 
 his bosom ; who was one of that peculiar kind of 
 females, sent upon earth a little before the flood, as a 
 punishment for the sins of mankind, and commonly 
 known by the appellation of knoiving women. In 
 
NEW YORK. 163 
 
 tact, my duty as an historian obliges me to make 
 known a circumstance which was a great secret at 
 the time, and consequently was not a subject of 
 scandal at more than half the tea-tables of New 
 Amsterdam, but which, like many other great secrets, 
 has leaked out in the lapse of years ; and this was, 
 that the great Wilhelmus the Testy, though one of 
 the most potent little men that ever breathed, yet 
 submitted at home to a species of government, neither 
 laid down in Aristotle nor Plato ; in short, it partook 
 of the nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and is 
 familiarly denominated petticoat government. An 
 absolute sway, which, though exceedingly common in 
 these modern days, was very rare among the ancients, 
 if we may judge from the rout made about the do- 
 mestic economy of honest Socrates, which is the only 
 ancient case on record. 
 
 The great Kieft, however, warded off all the sneers 
 and sarcasms of his particular friends, who are ever 
 ready to joke with a man on sore points of the kind, 
 by alleging that it was a government of his own 
 election, to which he submitted through choice ; 
 adding at the same time a profound maxim which he 
 had found in an ancient author, that " he who would 
 aspire to govern, should first learn to obey." 
 
 M 2 
 
164 HISTORY OF 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 In which are recorded the sage Projects of a Ruler of universal 
 Genius. The Art of fighting by Proclamation and how 
 that the valiant Jacobus Van Curlet came to be foully disho- 
 noured at Fort Goed Hoop. 
 
 NEVER was a more comprehensive, a more expedi- 
 tious, or, what is still better, a more economical 
 measure devised, than this, of defeating the Yankees 
 by proclamation ; an expedient, likewise, so humane, 
 so gentle, and pacific, there were ten chances to one 
 in favour of its succeeding, but then there was one 
 chance to ten that it would not succeed; as the ill- 
 natured fates would have it, that single chance carried 
 the day ! The proclamation was perfect in all its 
 parts, well constructed, well written, well sealed, and 
 well published all that was wanting to insure its 
 effect was, that the Yankees should stand in awe of 
 it; but, provoking to relate, they treated it with the 
 most absolute contempt, applied it to an unseemly 
 purpose, and thus did the first warlike proclamation 
 come to a shameful end a fate which, I am credibly 
 informed, has befallen but too many of its successors. 
 
 It was a long time before Wilhelmus Kieft could be 
 persuaded, by the united efforts of all his councillors, 
 that his war measures had failed in producing any 
 effect. On the contrary, he flew in a passion when- 
 ever any one dared to question its efficacy ; and 
 swore, that though it was slow in operating, yet when 
 once it began to work, it would soon purge the land of 
 these rapacious intruders. Time, however, that test 
 of all experiments both in philosophy and politics, at 
 length convinced the great Kieft, that his proclama- 
 tion was abortive ; and that, notwithstanding he had 
 waited four years in a state of constant irritation, yet 
 he was still further off than ever from the object of 
 
NEW YORK. 165 
 
 his wishes. His implacable adversaries in the east 
 became more and more troublesome in their encroach- 
 ments, and founded the thriving colony of Hartford, 
 close upon the skirts of Fort Goed Hoop. They 
 moreover commenced the fair settlement of New- 
 haven (alias the Red Hills) within the domains of 
 their High Mightinesses while the onion patches of 
 Pyquag were a continual eyesore to the garrison of 
 Van Curlet. Upon beholding, therefore, the ineffi- 
 cacy of his measure, the sage Kieft, like many a 
 worthy practitioner of physic, laid the blame, not to 
 the medicine, but the quantity administered; and 
 resolutely resolved to double the dose. 
 
 In the year 1638, therefore, that being the fourth 
 year of his reign, he fulminated against them a second 
 proclamation, of heavier metal than the former ; 
 written in thundering long sentences, not one word 
 of which was under five syllables. This, in fact, was 
 a kind of non-intercourse bill, forbidding and pro- 
 hibiting all commerce and connexion, between any 
 and every of the said Yankee intruders, and the said 
 fortified post of Fort Goed Hoop ; and ordering, com- 
 manding, and advising all his trusty, loyal, and well- 
 beloved subjects, to furnish them with no supplies of 
 gin, gingerbread, or sour crout ; to buy none of their 
 pacing horses, meazly pork, apple-brandy, Yankee 
 rum, cider-water, apple sweetmeats, Weathersfield 
 onions, or wooden bowls ; but to starve and extermi- 
 nate them from the face of the land. 
 
 Another pause of a twelvemonth ensued, during 
 which the last proclamation received the same atten- 
 tion, and experienced the same fate as the first ; at the 
 end of which term, the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet 
 despatched his annual messenger, with his customary 
 budget of complaints and entreaties. Whether the 
 regular interval of a year, intervening between the 
 
166 HISTORY OF 
 
 arrival of Van Curlet's couriers, was occasioned by the 
 systematic regularity of his movements, or by the 
 immense distance at which he was stationed from the 
 seat of government, is a matter of uncertainty. Some 
 have ascribed it to the slowness of his messengers, 
 who, as I have before noticed, were chosen from the 
 shortest and fattest of his garrison, as least likely to 
 be worn out on the road ; and who, being pursy, 
 short-winded little men, generally travelled fifteen 
 miles a day, and then laid by a whole week to rest. 
 All these, however, are matters of conjecture ; and 
 I rather think it may be ascribed to the immemorial 
 maxim of this worthy country, and which has ever 
 influenced all its public transactions not to do things 
 in a hurry. 
 
 The gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, in his despatches, 
 respectfully represented, that several years had now 
 elapsed, since his first application to his late excel- 
 lency, the renowned Wouter Van Twiller ; during 
 which interval his garrison had been reduced nearly 
 one-eighth, by the death of two of his most valiant 
 and corpulent soldiers, who had accidentally over- 
 eaten themselves on some fat salmon, caught in the 
 Varsche River. He further stated, that the enemy 
 persisted in their inroads, taking no notice of the fort 
 or its inhabitants, but squatting themselves down, and 
 forming settlements all around it, so that, in a little 
 while, he should find himself enclosed and blockaded 
 by the enemy, and totally at their mercy. 
 
 But among the most atrocious of his grievances, I 
 find the following still on record, which may serve to 
 show the bloody-minded outrages of these savage 
 intruders. " In the meantime, they of Hartford have 
 not onely usurped and taken in the lands of Connec- 
 ticott, although unrighteously and against the lawes 
 of nations, but have hindered our nation in sowing 
 
NEW YORK. 167 
 
 theire owne purchased broken up lands, but have also 
 sowed them with corne in the night, which the Nether- 
 landers had broken up aiM intended to sowe ; and 
 have beaten the servants of the high and mighty the 
 honored companie, which were labouring upon theire 
 master's lands, from theire lands, with sticks and plow 
 staves, in hostile manner laming, and amongst the 
 rest struck Ever Duckings * a hole in his head, with 
 a stick, soe that the blood ran downe, very strongly 
 downe upon his body." 
 
 But what is still more atrocious 
 
 " Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged to 
 the honored companie, under pretence that it had 
 eaten of their grounde grass, when they had not any 
 foot of inheritance. They proffered the hogg for 5*. 
 if the commissioners would have given 5*. for damage ; 
 which the commissioners denied, because noe man's 
 owne hogg (as men use to say) can trespass upon his 
 owne master's grounde f." 
 
 The receipt of this melancholy intelligence incensed 
 the whole community there was something in it that 
 spoke to the dull comprehensions, and touched the 
 obtuse feelings even of the puissant vulgar, who gene- 
 rally require a kick in the rear to awaken their slum- 
 bering dignity. I have known my profound fellow- 
 citizens bear without murmur a thousand essential 
 infringements of their rights, merely because they 
 were not immediately obvious to their senses ; but the 
 moment the unlucky Pearce was shot upon our coasts, 
 the whole body politic was in a ferment : so the 
 enlightened Nederlanders, though they had treated 
 the encroachments of their eastern neighbours with 
 
 * This name is no doubt mis-spelt. In some old Dutch MSS. 
 of the time, we find the name of Evert Duyckingh, who is unques- 
 tionably the unfortunate hero above alluded to. 
 
 f Haz. Col. Stat. Pap. 
 
168 HISTORY OF 
 
 but little regard, and left their quill-valiant governor 
 to bear the whole brunt of the war, with his single 
 pen ; yet now every individual felt his head broken 
 in the broken head of Duckings and the unhappy 
 fate of their fellow-citizen the hog, being impressed, 
 carried and sold into captivity, awakened a grunt of 
 sympathy from every bosom. 
 
 The governor and council, goaded by the clamours 
 of the multitude, now sat themselves earnestly to deli- 
 berate upon what was to be done. Proclamations 
 had at length fallen into temporary disrepute ; some 
 were for sending the Yankees a tribute, as we make 
 peace-offerings to the petty Barbary powers, or as the 
 Indians sacrifice to the devil. Others were for buying 
 them out ; but this was opposed, as it would be 
 acknowledging their title to the land they had seized. 
 A variety of measures were, as usual in such cases, 
 proposed, discussed, and abandoned ; and the council 
 had at last to adopt the means, which being the most 
 common and obvious, had been knowingly overlooked ; 
 for your amazing acute politicians are for ever looking 
 through telescopes, which only enable them to see such 
 objects as are far off and unattainable ; but which 
 incapacitate them to see such things as are in their 
 reach, and obvious to all simple folks, who are content 
 to look with the naked eyes heaven has given them. 
 The profound council, as I have said, in their pursuit 
 after Jack-o'-lanterns, accidentally stumbled on the 
 very measure they were in need of; which was to 
 raise a body of troops, and despatch them to the relief 
 and reinforcement of the garrison. This measure was 
 carried into such prompt operation that in less than 
 twelve months the whole expedition, consisting of a 
 Serjeant and twelve men, was ready to march ; and 
 was reviewed for that purpose, in the public square, 
 now known by the name of the Bowling Green, Just 
 
NEW YORK. 169 
 
 at this juncture the whole community was thrown into 
 consternation by the sudden arrival of the gallant 
 Jacobus Van Curlet ; who came straggling into town 
 at the head of his crew of tatterdemalions, and bring- 
 ing the melancholy tidings of his own defeat, and the 
 capture of the redoubtable post of Fort Goed Hoop 
 by the ferocious Yankees. 
 
 The fate of this important fortress is an impressive 
 warning to all military commanders. It was neither 
 carried by storm nor famine ; no practicable breach 
 was effected by cannon or mines ; no magazines were 
 blown up by red-hot shot ; nor were the barracks 
 demolished, or the garrison destroyed, by the bursting 
 of bomb-shells. In fact, the place was taken by a 
 stratagem no less singular than effectual ; and one 
 that can never fail of success, whenever an opportu- 
 nity occurs of putting it in practice. Happy am I to 
 add, for the credit of our illustrious ancestors, that it 
 was a stratagem, which though it impeached the vigi- 
 lance, yet left the bravery of the intrepid Van Curlet 
 and his garrison perfectly free from reproach. 
 
 It appears that the crafty Yankees, having heard of 
 the regular habits of the garrison, watched a favour- 
 able opportunity, and silently introduced themselves 
 into the fort, about the middle of a sultry day ; when 
 its vigilant defenders, having gorged themselves with 
 a hearty dinner, and smoked out their pipes, were one 
 and all snoring most obstreperously at their posts, 
 little dreaming of so disastrous an occurrence. The 
 enemy most inhumanly seized Jacobus Van Curlet 
 and his sturdy myrmidons by the nape of the neck, 
 gallanted them to the gate of the fort, and dismissed 
 them severally, with a kick on the crupper, as Charles 
 the Twelfth dismissed the heavy-bottomed Russians, 
 after the battle of Narva only taking care to give two 
 kicks to Van Curlet, as a signal mark of distinction. 
 
170 HISTORY OF 
 
 A strong garrison was immediately established in 
 the fort, consisting of twenty long-sided, hard-fisted 
 Yankees, with Weathersfield onions stuck in their hats, 
 by way of cockades and feathers long rusty fowling- 
 pieces for muskets hasty pudding, dumb fish, pork, 
 and molasses for stores ; and a huge pumpkin was 
 hoisted on the end of a pole, as a standard liberty 
 caps not having as yet come into fashion. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Containing the fearful Wrath of William the Testy, and the great 
 Dolour of the New Amsterdammers, hecause of the Affair of 
 Fort Goed Hoop. And moreover how William the Testy did 
 strongly fortify the City. Together with the Exploits of Stoffel 
 Brinkerhoff. 
 
 LANGUAGE cannot express the prodigious fury into 
 which the testy Wilhelmus Kieft was thrown by this 
 provoking intelligence. For - three good hours the 
 rage of the little man was too great for words, or 
 rather the words were too great for him ; and he was 
 nearly choked by some dozen huge, misshapen, nine- 
 cornered Dutch oaths, that crowded all at once into 
 his gullet. Having blazed off the first broadside, he 
 kept up a constant firing for three whole days ana- 
 thematising the Yankees, man, woman, and child, 
 body and soul, for a set of dieven, schobbe-jaken, 
 deugenieten, twist-zoekeren, loozen-schalken, blaes- 
 kaken, kakken-bedden, and a thousand other names, 
 of which, unfortunately for posterity, history does not 
 make particular mention. Finally, he swore that he 
 would have nothing more to do with such a squatting, 
 bundling, guessing, questioning, swapping, pumpkin- 
 eating, molasses-daubing, shingle-splitting, cider-wa- 
 tering, horse-jockeying, notion-peddling crew that 
 
NEW YORK. 171 
 
 they might stay at Fort Goed Hoop and rot, before 
 he would dirty his hands by attempting to drive them 
 away ; in proof of which he ordered the new raised 
 troops to be marched forthwith into winter quarters, 
 although it was not as yet quite midsummer. Go- 
 vernor Kieft faithfully kept his word, and his adver- 
 saries as faithfully kept their post; and thus the 
 glorious river Connecticut, and all the gay valleys 
 through which it rolls, together with the salmon , shad, 
 and other fish within its waters, fell into the hands of 
 the victorious Yankees, by whom they are held at this 
 very day. 
 
 Great despondency seized upon the city of New 
 Amsterdam in consequence of these melancholy events. 
 The name of Yankee became as terrible among our 
 good ancestors as was that of Gaul among the ancient 
 Romans : and all the sage old women of the province 
 used it as a bugbear, wherewith to frighten their 
 unruly children into obedience. 
 
 The eyes of all the province were now turned upon 
 their governor to know what he would do for the pro- 
 tection of the common weal, in these days of darkness 
 and peril. Great apprehensions prevailed among the 
 reflecting part of the community, especially the old 
 women, that these terrible warriors of Connecticut, not 
 content with the conquest of Fort Goed Hoop, would 
 incontinently march on to New Amsterdam and take 
 it by storm and as these old ladies, through means 
 of the governor's spouse, who, as has been already 
 hinted, was "the better horse/' had obtained consi- 
 derable influence in public affairs, keeping the province 
 under a kind of petticoat government, it was deter- 
 mined that measures should be taken for the effective 
 fortification of the city. 
 
 Now it happened that at this time there sojourned 
 
172 HISTORY OF 
 
 in New Amsterdam one Anthony Van Corlear *, a 
 jolly fat Dutch trumpeter, of a pleasant burly visage, 
 famous for his long wind and his huge whiskers ; and 
 who, as the story goes, could twang so potently upon 
 his instrument as to produce an effect upon all within 
 hearing, as though ten thousand bagpipes were sing- 
 ing most lustily i' the nose. Him did the illustrious 
 Kieft pick out as the man of all the world, and most 
 fitted to be the champion of New Amsterdam, arid to 
 garrison its fort ; making little doubt but that his 
 instrument would be as effectual and offensive in war 
 as was that of the Paladin Astolpho, or the more 
 classic horn of Alecto. It would have done one's 
 heart good to have seen the governor snapping his 
 fingers and fidgetting with delight, while his sturdy 
 trumpeter strutted up and down the ramparts, fear- 
 lessly twanging his trumpet in the face of the whole 
 .world, like a thrice valorous editor, daringly insulting 
 all the principalities and powers on the other side of 
 the Atlantic. 
 
 Nor was he content with thus strongly garrisoning 
 the fort, but he likewise added exceedingly to its 
 strength by furnishing it with a formidable battery of 
 quaker guns rearing a stupendous flag-staff in the 
 centre, which overtopped the whole city and more- 
 over by building a great windmill on one of the 
 bastions t. This last, to be sure, was somewhat of a 
 novelty in the art of fortification, but as I have already 
 
 * David Pietrez De Vries in his " Reyze naer Nieuw Neder- 
 landt on der het year 1640," makes mention of one Corlear ',|a 
 trumpeter in Fort Amsterdam, who gave name to Corlear's Hook, 
 and who was, doubtless, this same champion, described by Mr. 
 Knickerbocker. EDITOR. 
 
 f* De Vries mentions that this windmill stood on the south-east 
 bastion, and it is likewise to be seen, together with the flag-staff, in 
 Justus Danker' s View of New Amsterdam, prefixed to his history. 
 
NEW YORK. 173 
 
 observed, William Kieft was notorious for innovations 
 and experiments, and traditions do affirm that he was 
 much given to mechanical inventions constructing 
 patent smokejacks carts that went before the horses 
 and especially erecting windmills, for which ma- 
 chines he had acquired a singular predilection in his 
 native town of Saardam. 
 
 All these scientific vagaries of the little governor 
 were cried up with extasy by his adherents, as proofs 
 of his universal genius ; but there were not wanting ill- 
 natured grumblers, who railed at him as employing 
 his mind in frivolous pursuits, and devoting that time 
 to smokejacks and windmills which should have been 
 occupied in the more important concerns of the pro- 
 vince. Nay, they even went so far as to hint once or 
 twice, that his head was turned by his experiments, 
 and that he really thought to manage his government 
 as he did his mills by mere wind. Such is the illi- 
 berality and slander to which enlightened rulers are 
 ever subject. 
 
 Notwithstanding all the measures, therefore, of 
 William the Testy to place the city in a posture of 
 defence, the inhabitants continued in great alarm and 
 despondency. But Fortune, who seems always careful, 
 in the very nick of time, to throw a bone for Hope to 
 feed upon, that the starveling elf may be kept alive, 
 did about this time crown the arms of the province 
 with success in another quarter, and thus cheered the 
 drooping hearts of the forlorn Nederlanders ; other- 
 wise there is no knowing to what lengths they might 
 have gone in the excess of their sorrowing " for 
 grief," says the profound historian of the Seven Cham- 
 pions of Christendom, " is companion with despair, 
 and despair a procurer of infamous death ! " 
 
 Among the numerous inroads of the Moss-troopers 
 of Connecticut, which, for some time past, had occa-* 
 
174 HISTORY OF 
 
 sioned such great tribulation, I should particularly 
 have mentioned a settlement made on the eastern part 
 of Long Island, at a place which, from the peculiar 
 excellence of its shell fish, was called Oyster Bay. 
 This was attacking the province in a most sensible part, 
 and occasioned great agitation at New Amsterdam. 
 
 It is an incontrovertible fact, well known to skilful 
 physiologists, that the high road to the affections is 
 through the throat ; and this may be accounted for on 
 the same principles which I have already quoted in 
 my strictures on fat aldermen. Nor is the fact un- 
 known to the world at large ; and hence do we 
 observe, that the surest way to gain the hearts of the 
 million is to feed them well and that a man is never 
 so disposed to natter, to please, and serve another, as 
 when he is feeding at his expense ; which is one 
 reason why your rich men, who give frequent dinners, 
 have such abundance of sincere and faithful friends. 
 It is on this principle that our knowing leaders of 
 parties secure the affections of their partisans, by 
 rewarding them bountifully with loaves and fishes ; 
 and entrap the suffrages of the greasy mob, by treating 
 them with bull feasts and roasted oxen. I have 
 known many a man, in this same city, acquire consi- 
 derable importance in society, and usurp a large share 
 of the good will of his fellow citizens, when the only 
 thing that could be said in his eulogium was, " that 
 he gave a good dinner, and kept excellent wine." 
 
 Since then the heart and the stomach are so nearly 
 allied, it follows conclusively that what affects the one 
 must sympathetically affect the other. Now it is an 
 equally incontrovertible fact, that of all offerings to the 
 stomach, there is none more grateful than the testa- 
 ceous marine animal, known commonly by the vulgar 
 name of oyster. And in such great reverence has it 
 ever been held by my gormandising fellow-citizens, 
 
NEW YORK. 175 
 
 that temples have been dedicated to it, time out of 
 mind, in every street, lane, and alley throughout this 
 well-fed city. It is not to be expected, therefore, that 
 the seizing of Oyster Bay, a place abounding with their 
 favourite delicacy, would be tolerated by the inhabi- 
 tants of New Amsterdam. An attack upon their 
 honour they might have pardoned ; even the massacre 
 of a few citizens might have been passed over in 
 silence ; but an outrage that affected the larders of the 
 great city of New Amsterdam, and threatened the 
 stomachs of its corpulent burgomasters, was too 
 serious to pass unrevenged. The whole council was 
 unanimous in opinion ; that the intruders should be 
 immediately driven by force of arms from Oyster Bay 
 and its vicinity, and a detachment was accordingly 
 despatched for the purpose, under command of one 
 Stoffel Brinkerhoff, or Brinkerhoofd (i. e. Stoffel, the 
 head breaker) ; so called because he was a man of 
 mighty deeds, famous throughout the whole extent of 
 Nieuw Nederlandts for his skill at quarterstaff ; and 
 for size he would have been a match for Colbrand, the 
 Danish champion, slain by Guy of Warwick. 
 
 Stoffel Brinkerhoff was a man of few words but 
 prompt actions one of your straight- going officers, 
 who march directly forward, and do their orders with- 
 out making any parade about it. He used no extra- 
 ordinary speed in his movements, but trudged steadily 
 on, through Nineveh and Babylon, and Jericho and 
 Patchog, and the mighty town of Quag, and various 
 other renowned cities of yore, which, by some unaccount- 
 able witchcraft of the Yankees, have been strangely 
 transplanted to Long Island, until he arrived in the 
 neighbourhood of Oyster Bay. 
 
 Here was he encountered by a tumultuous host 
 of valiant warriors, headed by Preserved Fish, and 
 Habakkuk Nutter, and Return Strong, and Zerub- 
 
176 HISTORY OF 
 
 babel Fisk, and Jonathan Doolittle, and Determined 
 Cock ! At the sound of whose names the courageous 
 Stoffel verily believed that the whole parliament of 
 Praise God Barebones had been let loose to discomfit 
 him. Finding, however, that this formidable body 
 was composed merely of the " select men" of the 
 settlement, armed with no other weapon but their 
 tongues, and that they had issued forth with no other 
 intent than to meet him on the field of argument he 
 succeeded in putting them tq the rout with little diffi- 
 culty, and completely broke up their settlement. 
 Without waiting to write an account of his victory 
 on the sp'ot, and thus letting the enemy slip through 
 his fingers, while he was securing his own laurels, as a 
 more experienced general would have done, the brave 
 Stoffel thought of nothing but completing his enter- 
 prise, and utterly driving the Yankees from the island. 
 This hardy enterprise he performed in much the same 
 'manner as he had been accustomed to drive his oxen ; 
 for as the Yankees fled before him, he pulled up his 
 breeches and trudged steadily after them, and would 
 infallibly have driven them into the sea, had they not 
 begged for quarter, and agreed to pay tribute. 
 
 The news 'of this achievement was a seasonable 
 restorative to the spirits of the citizens of New Am- 
 sterdam. To gratify them still more, the governor 
 resolved to astonish them with one of those gorgeous 
 spectacles, known in the days of classic antiquity, a 
 fall account of which had been flogged into his memory 
 when a schoolboy at the Hague. A grand triumph, 
 therefore, was decreed to Stoffel Brinkerhoff, who made 
 his triumphant entrance into town, riding on a Nara- 
 ganset pacer ; five pumpkins, which, like Roman 
 eagles, had served the enemy for standards, were car- 
 ried before him fifty cart-loads of oysters, five hun- 
 dred bushels of Weathersfield onions, a hundred quin- 
 
NEW YORK. 177 
 
 tals of codfish, two hogsheads of molasses, and various 
 other treasures, were exhibited as the spoils and tribute 
 of the Yankees ; while three notorious counterfeiters 
 of Manhattan notes* were led captive to grace the 
 hero's triumph. The procession was enlivened by 
 martial music, from the trumpet of Anthony Van Cor- 
 lear the champion, accompanied by a select band of 
 boys and negroes, performing on the national instru- 
 ments of rattle-bones and clam-shells. The citi- 
 zens devoured the spoils in sheer gladness of heart 
 every man did honour to the conqueror by getting 
 devoutly drunk on New-England rum ; and the learned 
 Wilhelmus Kieft calling to mind, in a momentary fit 
 of enthusiasm and generosity, that it was customary 
 among the ancients to honour their victorious generals 
 with public statues, passed a gracious decree, by which 
 every tavern-keeper was permitted to paint the head 
 of the intrepid Stoffel on his sign I 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Philosophical Reflections on the Folly of being happy in Times of 
 Prosperity Sundry Troubles on the Southern Frontiers 
 How William the Testy had well nigh ruined the Province 
 through a cabalistic Word As also the secret Expedition of 
 Jan Jansen Alpendam, and his astonishing Reward. 
 
 IF we could but get a peep at the tally of Dame 
 Fortune, where, like a notable landlady, she regularly 
 
 * This is one of those trivial anachronisms that now and then 
 occur in the course of this otherwise authentic history. How 
 could Manhattan notes be counterfeited, \vhen as yet Banks were 
 unknown in this country and our simple progenitors had not even 
 dreamed of those inexhaustible mines of paper opulence 9 
 Print. Dev. 
 
178 HISTORY OF 
 
 chalks up the debtor and creditor accounts of man- 
 kind, we should find that, upon the whole, good and 
 evil are pretty nearly balanced in this world ; and that 
 though we may for a long while revel in the very lap 
 of prosperity, the time will at length come, when we 
 must ruefully pay off the reckoning. Fortune, in fact, 
 is a pestilent shrew, and withal a most inexorable ere* 
 ditor ; for though she may indulge her favourites in 
 long credits, and overwhelm them with her favours, 
 yet sooner or later she brings up her arrears, with the 
 rigour of an experienced publican, and washes out her 
 scores with their tears. " Since/' says good old 
 Boetius in his Consolations of Philosophy, <; since no 
 man can retain her at his pleasure, and since her 
 flight is so deeply lamented, what are her favours 
 but sure prognostications of approaching trouble and 
 calamity!:" 
 
 There is nothing that more moves my contempt at 
 the stupidity and want of reflection of my fellow-men, 
 than to behold them rejoicing, and indulging in secu- 
 rity and self-confidence, in times of prosperity. To a 
 wise man, who is blessed with the light of reason, those 
 are ^he very moments of anxiety and apprehension ; 
 well knowing that, according to the system of things, 
 happiness is at best but transient ; and that the higher 
 he is elevated by the capricious breath of fortune, the 
 lower nrnst be his proportionate depression. Whereas, 
 he who is overwhelmed by calamity has the less 
 chance of encountering fresh disasters, as a man at 
 the bottom of a ladder runs very little risk of break- 
 ing his neck by tumbling to the top. 
 
 This is the very essence of true wisdom, which 
 consists in knowing when we ought to be miserable ; 
 and was discovered much about the same time with 
 that invaluable secret, " that every thing is vanity 
 and vexation of spirit;" in consequence of which 
 
NEW YORK. 179 
 
 maxim your wise men have ever been the unhappiest 
 of the human race ; esteeming it as an infallible mark 
 of genius to be distressed without reason ; since any 
 man may be miserable in time of misfortune, but it is 
 the philosopher alone who can discover cause for 
 grief in the very hour of prosperity. 
 
 According to the principle I have just advanced, 
 we find that the colony of New Netherlands, which, 
 under the reign of the renowned Van Twiller, had 
 flourished in such alarming and fatal serenity, is now 
 paying for its former welfare, and discharging the 
 enormous debt of comfort which it contracted. Foes 
 harass it from different quarters ; the city of New 
 Amsterdam, while yet in its infancy, is kept in constant 
 alarm ; and its valiant commander, William the Testy, 
 answers the vulgar, but expressive idea of " a man in 
 a peck of troubles." 
 
 While busily engaged repelling his bitter enemies 
 the Yankees, on one side, we find him suddenly 
 molested in another quarter, and by other assailants. 
 A vagrant colony of Swedes, under the conduct of 
 Peter Minnewits, and professing allegiance to that 
 redoubtable virago, Christina, queen of Sweden, had 
 settled themselves and erected a fort on south (or 
 Delaware) river ; within the boundaries claimed by the 
 government of the New Netherlands. History is 
 mute as to the particulars of their first landing, and 
 their real pretensions to the soil ; and this is the 
 more to be lamented, as this same colony of Swedes 
 will hereafter be found most materially to affect, not 
 only the interests of the Nederlanders, but of the 
 world at large ! 
 
 In whatever manner, therefore, this vagabond colony 
 of Swedes first took possession of the country, it is 
 certain that in 1638 they established a fort, and 
 Minnewits, according to the off-hand usage of his 
 
 N2 
 
180 HISTORY OP 
 
 contemporaries, declared himself governor of all the 
 adjacent country, under the name of the province of 
 NEW SWEDEN. No sooner did this reach the ears of 
 the choleric Wilhelmus than, like a true spirited 
 chieftain, he immediately broke into a violent rage, and 
 calling together his council, belaboured the Swedes 
 most lustily in the longest speech that had ever been 
 heard in the colony, since the memorable dispute of 
 Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches. Having thus 
 given vent to the first ebullitions of his indignation, 
 he had resort to his favourite measure of proclamation, 
 and despatched one piping hot, in the first year of 
 his reign, informing Peter Minnewits that the whole 
 territory, bordering on the south river, had, time out 
 of mind, been in possession of the Dutch colonists, 
 having been " beset with forts, and sealed with their 
 blood." 
 
 The latter sanguinary sentence would convey an 
 idea of direful war and bloodshed, were we not relieved 
 by the information, that it merely related to a fray, in 
 which some half a dozen Dutchmen had been killed by 
 the Indians, in their benevolent attempts to establish a 
 colony and promote civilisation. By this it will be 
 seen that William Kieft, though a very small man, 
 delighted in big expressions, and was much given to a 
 praiseworthy figure in rhetoric, generally cultivated by 
 your little great men, called hyperbole. A figure 
 which has been found of infinite service among many 
 of his class, and which has helped to swell the grandeur 
 of many a mighty, self-important, but windy chief 
 magistrate. Nor can I resist in this place, from 
 observing how much my beloved country is indebted 
 to this same figure of hyperbole, for supporting certain 
 of her greatest characters statesmen, orators, civil- 
 ians, and divines ; who, by dint of big words, inflated 
 periods, and windy doctrines, are kept afloat on the 
 
NEW YORK. 1.81 
 
 surface of society, as ignorant swimmers are buoyed 
 up by blown bladders. 
 
 The proclamation against Minnewits concluded by 
 ordering the self-dubbed governor, and his gang of 
 Swedish adventurers immediately to leave the country, 
 under penalty of the high displeasure and inevitable 
 vengeance of the puissant government of the Nieuw 
 Nederlandts. This " strong measure," however, does 
 not seem to have had a whit more effect than its 
 predecessors, which had been thundered against the 
 Yankees the Swedes resolutely held on to the terri- 
 tory they had taken possession of; whereupon matters 
 for the present remained in statu quo. 
 
 That Wilhelmus Kieft should put up with this 
 Insolent obstinacy in the Swedes would appear incom- 
 patible with his valorous temperament ; but we find 
 that about this time the little man had his hands full, 
 and with one annoyance and another, was kept conti- 
 nually on the bounce. 
 
 There is a certain description of active legislators, 
 who, by shrewd management, contrive always to have 
 a hundred irons on the anvil, every one of which must 
 be immediately attended to ; who consequently are 
 ever full of temporary shifts and expedients, patching 
 up the public welfare, and cobbling the national affairs, 
 so as to make nine holes where they mend one 
 stopping chinks and flaws with whatever comes first 
 to hand, like the Yankees I have mentioned stuffing 
 old clothes in broken windows. Of this class of 
 statesman was William the Testy ; and had he only 
 been blessed with powers equal to his zeal, or his zeal 
 been disciplined by a little discretion, there is very 
 little doubt but he would have made the greatest 
 governor of his size on record ; the renowned governor 
 of the island of Barataria alone excepted. 
 . The great defect of Wilhelmus Kieft's policy was, 
 
182 HISTORY OP 
 
 that though no man could be more ready to stand 
 forth in an hour of emergency, yet he was so intent 
 upon guarding the national pocket, that he suffered 
 the enemy to break its head : in other words, whatever 
 precaution for public safety he adopted, he was so- 
 intent upon rendering it cheap that he invariably 
 rendered it ineffectual. All this was a remote conse- 
 quence of his profound education at the Hague ; 
 where, having acquired a smattering of knowledge, he 
 was ever after a great Conner of indexes, continually 
 dipping into books, without ever studying to the bottom 
 of any subject ; so that he had the scum of all kinds 
 of authors fermenting in his pericranium. In some of 
 these titlepage researches he unluckily stumbled over 
 a grand political cabalistic word, which, with his 
 customary facility, he immediately incorporated into 
 his great scheme of government, to the irretrievable 
 injury and delusion of the honest province of Nieuw 
 Nederlandts, and the eternal misleading of all experi- 
 mental rulers. 
 
 In vain have I pored over the Theurgia of the 
 Chaldeans, the Cabala of the Jews, the Necromancy 
 of the Arabians, the Magic of the Persians, the Hocus 
 Pocus of the English, the Witchcraft of the Yankees, 
 or the Powwowing of the Indians, to discover where 
 the little man first laid his eyes on this terrible word. 
 Neither the Sephir Jezirah, that famous cabalistic 
 volume, ascribed to the patriarch Abraham ; nor the 
 pages of the Zoheir, containing the mysteries of the 
 cabala, recorded by the learned Rabbi Simeon 
 Jochaides, yield any light to my inquiries ; nor am I 
 in the least benefited by my painful researches in the 
 Shem-hamphorah of Benjamin, the wandering Jew, 
 though it enabled Davidus Elm to make a ten days 1 
 journey in twenty-four hours. Neither can I perceive 
 the slightest affinity in the Tetragrammaton, or sacred 
 
NEW YORK. 183 
 
 name of four letters, the profoundest word of the 
 Hebrew Cabala: a mystery, sublime, ineffable, and 
 incommunicable, and the letters of which, Jod-He- 
 Vau-He, having been stolen by the Pagans, constituted 
 their great name Jao, or Jove. In short, in all my 
 cabalistic, theurgic, necromantic, magical, and astrolo- 
 gical researches, from the Tetractys of Pythagoras, 
 to the recondite works of Breslaw and Mother Bunch, 
 I have not discovered the least vestige of an origin of 
 this word, nor have I discovered any word of sufficient 
 potency to counteract it. 
 
 Not to keep my reader in any suspense, the word 
 which had so wonderfully arrested the attention of 
 William the Testy, and which in German characters 
 had a particularly black and ominous aspect, on being 
 fairly translated into the English, is no -other than 
 ECONOMY a talismanic term, which, by constant use 
 and frequent mention, has ceased to be /formidable in 
 our eyes, but which has as terrible potency as any in 
 the arcana of necromancy. 
 
 When pronounced in a national assembly it has an 
 immediate effect in closing the hearts, beclouding the 
 intellects, drawing the purse-strings, and buttoning 
 the breeches-pockets, of all philosophic legislators. 
 Nor are its effects on the eyes less wonderful. It 
 produces a contraction of the retina, an obscurity of 
 the crystalline lens, a viscidity of the vitreous, and an 
 inspissation of the aqueous humours, an induration of 
 the tunica sclerotiea, and a convexity of the cornea ; 
 insomuch that the organ of vision loses its strength 
 and perspicuity, and the unfortunate patient becomes 
 myopes, or, in plain English, purblind; perceiving 
 only the amount of immediate expense, without being 
 able to look farther, and regard it in connexion with 
 the ultimate object to be effected ; so that," to quote 
 the words of the eloquent Burke, " a briar at his nose 
 
184 HISTORY OF 
 
 is of greater magnitude than an oak at five hundred 
 yards' distance." Such are its instantaneous opera- 
 tions, and the results are still more astonishing. By 
 its magic influence seventy-fours shrink into frigates, 
 frigates into sloops, and sloops into gun-boats. As 
 the defenceless ships of Eneas, at the command of the 
 protecting Venus, changed into sea-nymphs, and pro- 
 tected themselves by diving ; so the mighty navy of 
 America, by the cabalistic word of economy, dwindles 
 into small craft, and shelters itself in a mill-pond I 
 
 This all-potent word, which served as his touch- 
 stone in politics, at once explains the whole system 
 of proclamations, protests, empty threats, windmills, 
 trumpeters, and paper war, carried on by Wilhelmus 
 the Testy ; and we may trace its operations in an 
 armament which he fitted out in 1642, in a moment 
 of great wrath, consisting of two sloops and thirty 
 men, under the command of Mynheer Jan Jansen 
 Alpendam, as admiral of the fleet, and commander-in- 
 chief of the forces. This formidable expedition, which 
 can only be paralleled by some of the daring cruises 
 of our infant navy about the bay and up the sound, 
 was intended to drive the Marylanders from the 
 Schuylkill, of which they had recently taken pos- 
 session, and which was claimed as part of the province 
 of Nieuw Nederlandts; for it appears that at this 
 time our infant colony was in that enviable state so 
 much coveted by ambitious nations ; that is to say, 
 the government had a vast extent of territory, part of 
 which it enjoyed, and the greater part of which it had 
 continually to quarrel about. 
 
 Admiral Jan Jansen Alpendam was a man of great 
 mettle and prowess, and no way dismayed at the cha- 
 racter of the enemy, who were represented as a 
 gigantic, gunpowder race of men, who lived on hoe- 
 cakes and bacon, drank mint-juleps and apple-toddy ; 
 
NEW YORK. 185 
 
 and were exceedingly expert at boxing, biting, gouging, 
 tar and feathering, and a variety of other athletic 
 accomplishments, which they had borrowed from their 
 cousins-german and prototypes the Virginians, to 
 whom they have ever borne considerable resemblance. 
 Notwithstanding all these alarming representations, 
 the Admiral entered the Schuylkill most undauntedly 
 with his fleet, and arrived without disaster or oppo- 
 sition at the place of destination. 
 
 Here he attacked the enemy in a vigourous speech 
 in low Dutch, which the wary Kieft had previously 
 put in his pocket ; wherein he courteously commenced 
 t>y calling them a pack of lazy, louting, dram-drink- 
 ing, cock-fighting, horce-racing, slave-driving, tavern- 
 haunting, sabbath-breaking, mulatto-breeding, up- 
 starts ; and concluded by ordering them to evacuate 
 the country immediately ; to which they most laco- 
 nically replied in plain English, " they'd see him 
 d d first." 
 
 Now this was a reply for which neither Jan Jansen 
 Alpendam, nor Wilhelmus Kieft, had made any cal- 
 culation ; and finding himself totally unprepared to 
 answer so terrible a rebuff with suitable hostility, he 
 concluded that his wisest course was to return home 
 and report progress. He accordingly sailed back to 
 New Amsterdam, where he was received with great 
 honours, and considered as a pattern for all com- 
 manders ; having achieved a most hazardous enter- 
 prise, at a trifling expense of treasure, and without 
 losing a single man to the state ! He was unani- 
 mously called the deliverer of his country (an appel- 
 lation liberally bestowed on all great men) ; his two 
 sloops, having done their duty, were laid up (or dry- 
 docked) in a cove now called the Albany Basin, 
 where they quietly rotted in the mud ; and, to immor- 
 
186 HISTORY OF 
 
 talise his name, they erected, by subscription, a mag- 
 nificent shingle monument on the top of Flatten-, 
 barrack* Hill, which lasted three whole years, when 
 it fell to pieces, and was burned for firewood. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 How William the Testy enriched the Province by a Multitude of 
 Laws, and came to be the Patron of Lawyers and BumbailifFs 
 And how the People became exceedingly enlightened and 
 unhappy under his Instructions, 
 
 AMONG the many wrecks and fragments of exalted 
 wisdom which have floated down the stream of time 
 from venerable antiquity, and have been carefully 
 picked up by those humble but industrious wights, 
 who ply along the shores of literature, we find the 
 following sage ordinance of Charondas, the Locrian 
 legislator : Anxious to preserve the ancient laws of 
 the* state from the additions and improvements of 
 profound " country members," or officious candidates 
 for popularity, he ordained, that whoever proposed a 
 new law, should do it with a halter about his neck ; 
 so that, in case his proposition was rejected, they just 
 hung him up, and there the matter ended. 
 
 This salutary institution had such an effect, that 
 for more than two hundred years there was only one 
 trifling alteration in the criminal code ; and the whole 
 race of lawyers starved to death for want of employ- 
 ment. The consequence of this was, that the Lo- 
 crians being unprotected by an overwhelming load of 
 
 * A corruption of Varleth's bergh, or Varleth's hill, so called 
 from one Varleth, who lived upon that hill in the early days of the 
 settlement. 
 
NEW YORK. 187 
 
 excellent laws, and undefended by a standing army of 
 pettifoggers and sheriffs officers, lived very lovingly 
 together, and were such a happy people, that they 
 scarce make any figure throughout the whole Grecian 
 history ; for it is well known that none but your un- 
 lucky, quarrelsome, rantipole nations make any noise 
 in the world. 
 
 Well would it have been for William the Testy y 
 had he haply, in the course of his " universal acquire- 
 ments," stumbled upon this precaution of the good 
 Charondas. On the contrary, he conceived that the 
 true policy of a legislator was to multiply laws, and 
 thus secure the property, the persons, and the moral* 
 of the people, by surrounding them in a manner with 
 men-traps and spring-guns, and besetting even the 
 sweet sequestered walks of private life with quickset- 
 hedges, so that a man could scarcely turn without 
 the risk of encountering some of these pestiferous 
 protectors. Thus was he continually coining petty 
 laws for every petty offence that occurred, until in 
 time they became too numerous to be remembered, 
 and remained, like those of certain modern legislators, 
 mere dead letters, revived occasionally for the pur- 
 pose of individual oppression, or to entrap ignorant 
 offenders. 
 
 Petty courts consequently began to appear, where 
 the law was administered with nearly as much wisdom 
 and impartiality as in those august tribunals, the 
 aldermen's and justices' courts of the present day. 
 The plaintiff was generally favoured, as being a cus- 
 tomer, and bringing business to the shop ; the offences 
 of the rich were discreetly winked at, for fear of 
 hurting the feelings of their friends ; but it could 
 never be laid to the charge of the vigilant burgo- 
 masters, that they suffered vice to skulk unpunished, 
 under the disgraceful rags of poverty, 
 
188 HISTORY OF 
 
 About this time may we date the first introduction 
 of capital punishments : a goodly gallows being erected 
 on the waterside, about where Whitehall stairs are at 
 present, a little to the east of the battery. Hard by, 
 also, was erected another gibbet, of a very strange, 
 uncouth, and unmatchable description, but on which 
 the ingenious William Kieft valued himself not a little, 
 being a punishment entirely of his own invention *. 
 
 It was, for loftiness of altitude, not a whit inferior 
 to that of Haman, so renowned in Bible history ; but 
 the marvel of the contrivance was, that the culprit, 
 instead of being suspended by the neck, according to 
 venerable custom, was hoisted by the waistband, and 
 was kept for an hour together, dangling and sprawling 
 between heaven and earth, to the infinite entertain- 
 ment, and, doubtless, great edification of the multi- 
 tude of the respectable citizens, who usually attend 
 upon exhibitions of the kind. 
 
 It is incredible how the little governor chuckled at 
 beholding caitiff vagrants and sturdy beggars thus 
 swinging by the crupper, and cutting antic gambols in 
 the air. He had a thousand pleasantries, and mirth- 
 ful conceits to utter upon these occasions. He called 
 them his dandle-lions his wild-fowl his high-fliers 
 his spread-eagles his goshawks his scare-crows 
 and finally, his gallows-birds; which ingenious 
 appellation, though originally confined to worthies who 
 had taken the air in this strange manner, has since 
 grown to be a cant-name given to all candidates for 
 legal elevation. This punishment, moreover, if we 
 may credit the assertions of certain grave etymolo- 
 gists, gave the first hint for a kind of harnessing, or 
 strapping, by which our forefathers braced up their 
 multifarious breeches, and which has of late years 
 
 * Both the gibbets may be seen in the sketch of Justus Danker, 
 prefixed to the work. 
 
NEW YORK. 189 
 
 been revived, and continues to be worn at the pre- 
 sent day. 
 
 Such were* the admirable improvements of William 
 Kieft in criminal law ; nor was his civil code less a 
 matter of wonderment : and much does it grieve me 
 that the limits of my work will not suffer me to expa- 
 tiate on both with the prolixity they deserve. Let it 
 suffice then to say, that in a little while the blessings 
 of innumerable laws became notoriously apparent. It 
 was soon found necessary to have a certain class of 
 men to expound and confound them ; divers pettifog- 
 gers accordingly made their appearance, under whose 
 protecting care the community was soon set together 
 by the ears. 
 
 J would not here be thought to insinuate any thing 
 derogatory to the profession of the law, or to its digni- 
 fied members. Well am I aware that we have in this 
 ancient city innumerable worthy gentlemen, who have 
 embraced that honourable order, not for the sordid 
 love of filthy lucre, nor the selfish cravings of renown, 
 but through no other motives than a fervent zeal for 
 the correct administration of justice, and a generous 
 and disinterested devotion to the interests of their 
 fellow-citizens ! Sooner would I throw this trusty pen 
 into the flames, and cork up my ink-bottle for ever, 
 than infringe, even for a nail's-breadth, upon the 
 dignity of this truly-benevolent class of citizens ; on 
 the contrary, I allude solely to that crew of caitiff 
 scouts, who, in these latter days of evil, have become 
 so numerous who infest the skirts of the profession, 
 as did the recreant Cornish knights the honourable 
 order of chivalry who, under its auspices, commit 
 their depredations on society who thrive by quibbles, 
 quirks, and chicanery ; and, like vermin, swarm most 
 where there is most corruption. 
 
 Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent passions as 
 
190 HISTORY OF 
 
 the facility of gratification. The courts of law would 
 never be so constantly crowded with petty vexatious, 
 and disgraceful suits, were it not for the herds of 
 pettifogging lawyers that infest them. These tamper 
 with the passions of the lower and more ignorant 
 classes ; who, as if poverty were not a sufficient misery 
 in itself, are always ready to heighten it, by the bit- 
 terness of litigation- They are in law what quacks 
 are in medicine exciting the malady for the purpose 
 of profiting by the cure ; and retarding the cure for 
 the purpose of augmenting the fees. Where one 
 destroys the constitution, the other impoverishes the 
 purse ; and it may likewise be observed, that a patient, 
 who has once been under the hands of a quack, is ever 
 after dabbling in drugs, and poisoning himself with 
 infallible remedies ; and an ignorant man, who has 
 once meddled with the law, under the auspices of one 
 of these empirics, is for ever after embroiling himself 
 with his neighbours, and impoverishing himself with 
 successful lawsuits. My readers will excuse this 
 digression, into which I have been unwarily betrayed ; 
 but I could not avoid giving a cool unprejudiced 
 account of an abomination too prevalent in this excel- 
 lent city, and with the effects of which I am unluckily 
 acquainted to my cost ; having been nearly ruined by 
 a lawsuit, which was unjustly decided against me, and 
 my ruin having been completed by another, which was 
 decided in my favour. 
 
 It has been remarked by the observant writer of the 
 Stuyvesant manuscript, that under the administration 
 of Wilhelmus Kieft, the disposition of the inhabitants 
 of New Amsterdam experienced an essential change, 
 so that they became very meddlesome and factious. 
 The constant exacerbations of temper into which the 
 little governor was thrown, by the maraudings on his 
 frontiers, and unfortunate propensity to experiment and 
 
NEW YORK. 191 
 
 innovation, occasioned him to keep his council in a 
 continual worry and the council being to the people 
 at large, what yeast or leaven is to a batch, they 
 threw the whole 'community into a ferment and the 
 people at large being to the city what the mind is to 
 the body, the unhappy commotions they underwent 
 operated most disastrously upon New Amsterdam 
 insomuch, that, in certain of their paroxysms of con- 
 sternation and perplexity, they begat several of the 
 most crooked, distorted, and abominable streets, lanes, 
 and alleys, with which this metropolis is disfigured. 
 
 But the worst of the matter was, that just about 
 this time, the mob, since called the sovereign people, 
 like Balaams ass, began to grow more enlightened 
 than its rider, and exhibited a strange desire of govern- 
 ing itself. This was another effect of the " universal 
 acquirements" of William the Testy. In some of 
 his pestilent researches among the rubbish of anti- 
 quity, he was struck with admiration at the insti- 
 tution of public tables among the Lacedaemonians, 
 where they discussed topics of a general and inter- 
 esting nature at the schools of the philosophers, 
 where they engaged in profound disputes upon politics 
 and morals where grey beards were taught the rudi- 
 ments of wisdom, and youths learned to become little 
 men, before they were boys. " There is nothing," 
 said the ingenious Kieft, shutting up the book 
 " there is nothing more essential to the well manage- 
 ment of a country, than education among the people ; 
 the basis of a good government should be laid in the 
 public mind." Now this was true enough ; but it was 
 ever the wayward fate of William the Testy, that 
 when he thought right, he was sure to go to work 
 wrong. In the present instance, he could scarcely eat 
 or sleep, until he had set on foot brawling debating 
 societies, among the simple citizens of New Amster- 
 
192 HISTORY OF 
 
 dam. This was the one thing wanting to complete 
 his confusion. The honest Dutch burghers, though 
 in truth but little given to argument or wordy alter- 
 cation, yet by dint of meeting often together, fuddling 
 themselves with strong drink, beclouding their brains 
 with tobacco smoke, and listening to the harangues of 
 some half a dozen oracles, soon became exceedingly 
 wise, and, as is always the case where the mob is poli- 
 tically enlightened, exceedingly discontented. They 
 found out, with wonderful quickness of discernment, 
 the fearful error in which they had indulged, in fan- 
 cying themselves the happiest people in creation ; and 
 were fortunately convinced that, all circumstances to 
 the contrary notwithstanding, they were a very 
 unhappy, deluded, and consequently ruined people ! 
 
 In a short time the quidnuncs of New Amster- 
 dam formed themselves into sage juntos of political 
 croakers, who daily met together to groan over poli- 
 tical affairs, and make themselves miserable ; thronging 
 to these unhappy assemblages with the same eager- 
 ness, that zealots have in all ages abandoned the 
 milder and more peaceful paths of religion, to crowd 
 to the howling convocations of fanaticism. We are 
 naturally prone to discontent, and avaricious after 
 imaginary causes of lamentation: like lubberly 
 monks, we belabour our own shoulders, and seem to 
 take a vast satisfaction in the music of our own 
 groans. Nor is this said for the sake of paradox ; 
 daily experience shows the truth of these observations. 
 It is next to a farce to offer consolation, or to think of 
 elevating the spirits of a man groaning under ideal 
 calamities ; but nothing is more easy than to render 
 him wretched, though on the pinnacle of felicity ; as it 
 is an Herculean task to hoist a man to the top of a 
 steeple, though the merest child can topple him off 
 thence. 
 
NEW YORK. . 193 
 
 In the sage assemblages I have noticed the philo- 
 sophic reader will at once perceive the faint germs of 
 those sapient convocations called popular meetings, 
 prevalent in our day. Thither resort all those idlers 
 and " squires of low degree/' who, like rags, hang 
 loose upon the back of society, and are ready to be 
 blown away by every wind of doctrine. Cobblers 
 abandoned their stalls, and hastened thither to give 
 lessons on political economy blacksmiths left their 
 handicraft and suffered their own fires to go out, 
 while they blew the bellows and stirred up the fire of 
 faction ; and even tailors, though but the shreds and 
 patches, the ninth parts of humanity, -neglected their 
 own measures, to attend to the measures of govern- 
 ment. Nothing was wanting but half a dozen news- 
 papers and patriotic editors, to have completed this 
 public illumination, and to have thrown the whole 
 province in an uproar 1 
 
 I should not forget to mention that these popular 
 meetings were always held at a noted tavern ; for 
 houses of that description have always been found the 
 most congenial nurseries of politics ; abounding with 
 those genial streams which give strength and suste- 
 nance to faction. We are told that the ancient Ger- 
 mans had an admirable mode of treating any question 
 of importance ; they first deliberated upon it when 
 drunk, and afterwards re-considered it when sober. 
 The shrewder mobs of America, who dislike having 
 two minds upon a subject, both determine and act 
 upon it drunk ; by which means a world of cold and 
 tedious speculations is dispensed with and as it is 
 universally allowed, that when a man is drunk he sees 
 double ; it follows most conclusively that he sees twice 
 as well as his sober neighbours. 
 
194 HISTORY OF 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Of the great Pipe Plot and of the dolourous Perplexities into 
 which William the Testy was thrown, by reason of his having 
 enlightened the Multitude. 
 
 WILHELMUS KIEFT, as has already been made 
 manifest, was a great legislator upon a small scale. 
 He was of an active or rather a busy mind ; tbat is to 
 say, his was one of those small, but brisk minds, that 
 make up by bustle and constant motion, for the want 
 of great scope and power. He had, when quite a 
 youngling, been impressed with the advice of Solo- 
 mon, "Go to the ant, thou sluggard, consider her 
 ways and be wise : " in conformity to which, he had 
 ever been of a restless,, antlike turn, worrying hither 
 and thither, busying himself about little matters, with 
 an air of great importance and anxiety laying up 
 wisdom by the morsel, and often toiling and puffing at 
 a grain of mustard seed, under the full conviction that 
 he was moving a mountain. 
 
 Thus we are told, that once upon a time, in one of 
 his fits of mental bustle, which he termed deliberation, 
 he framed an unlucky law, to prohibit the universal 
 practice of smoking. This he proved, by mathema- 
 tical demonstration, to be not merely a heavy tax on 
 the public pocket, but an incredible consumer of time, 
 a hideous encourager of idleness, and, of course, a 
 deadly bane to the prosperity and morals of the 
 people. Ill fated Kieft ! had he lived in this enlight- 
 ened and libel-loving age, and attempted to subvert 
 the inestimable liberty of the press, he could not have 
 struck more closely on the sensibilities of the million. 
 
 The populace were in as violent a turmoil as the 
 constitutional gravity of their deportment would per- 
 mit : a mob of factious citizens had even the hardihood 
 to assemble before the governor's house, where, set- 
 
GCruikfiha-nV 
 
NEW YORK. 195 
 
 ting themselves resolutely down, like a besieging army 
 before a fortress, they one and all fell to smoking with 
 a determined perseverance, that seemed as though it 
 were their intention to smoke him into terms. The 
 Testy William issued out of his mansion like unto a 
 wrathful spider, and demanded to know the cause of 
 this seditious assemblage, and this lawless fumigation ; 
 to which these sturdy rioters made no other reply, 
 than to loll back most phlegmatically in their seats, 
 and puff away with redoubled fury; whereby they 
 raised such a murky cloud, that the governor was fain 
 to take refuge in the interior of his castle. 
 
 The governor immediately perceived the object of 
 this unusual tumult, and that it would be impossible to 
 suppress a practice which, by long indulgence, had 
 become a second nature. And here I would observe, 
 partly to explain why I have so often made mention of 
 this practice in my history, that it was inseparably 
 connected with all the affairs, both public and private, 
 of our revered ancestors. The pipe, in fact, was 
 never from the mouth of the true-born Nederlander. 
 It was his companion in solitude, the relaxation of his 
 gayer hours his counsellor, his consoler, his joy, his 
 pride; in a word, he seemed to think and breathe 
 through his pipe. 
 
 When William the Testy bethought himself of all 
 these matters, which he certainly did, although a little 
 too late, he came to a compromise with the besieging 
 multitude. The result was, that though he continued 
 to permit the custom of smoking, yet did he abolish 
 the fair long pipes, which were used in the days of 
 Wouter Van Twiller, denoting ease, tranquillity, and 
 sobriety of deportment; and in place thereof, did 
 introduce little captious short pipes, two inches in 
 length; which, he observed, could be stuck in one 
 o2 
 
196 HISTORY OF 
 
 corner of the mouth, or twisted in the hatband, and 
 would not be in the way of business. By this the 
 multitude seemed somewhat appeased, and dispersed 
 to their habitations. Thus ended this alarming insur- 
 rection, which was long- known by the name of the 
 pipe plot, and which, it has been somewhat quaintly 
 observed, did end, like most other plots, seditions, 
 and conspiracies, in mere smoke. 
 
 But mark, oh reader ! the deplorable consequences 
 that did afterwards result. The smoke of these vil- 
 lanous little pipes, continually ascending in a cloud 
 about the nose, penetrated into and befogged the 
 cerebellum, dried up all the kindly moisture of the 
 brain, and rendered the people that used them as 
 vapourish and testy as their renowned little governor 
 nay, what is more, from a good burly race of folk, they 
 became, like our worthy Dutch farmers, who smoke 
 short pipes, a lantern-jawed, smoke-dried, leathern- 
 hided race of men. 
 
 Nor was this all, for from hence may we date the 
 rise of parties in this province. Certain of the more 
 wealthy and important burghers adhering to the 
 ancient fashion, formed a kind of aristocracy, which 
 went by the appellation of the Long Pipes, while the 
 lower orders, submitting to the innovation, which they 
 found to be more convenient in their handicraft employ- 
 ments, and to leave them more liberty of action, were 
 branded with the plebeian name of Short Pipes. A 
 third party likewise sprang up, differing from both the 
 others, headed by the descendants of the famous 
 Robert Chewit, the companion of the great Hudson. 
 These entirely discarded the use of pipes, and took to 
 chewing tobacco ; and hence they were called Quids. 
 It is worthy of notice, that this last appellation has 
 since come to be invariably applied to those mongrel 
 or third parties, that will sometimes spring up between 
 
NEW YORK. 197 
 
 two great contending parties, as a mule is produced 
 between a horse and an ass. 
 
 And here I would remark the great benefit of these 
 party distinctions, by which the people at large are 
 saved the vast trouble of thinking. Hesiod divides 
 mankind into three classes, those who think for them- 
 selves, those who let others think for them, and those 
 who will neither do one nor the other. The second 
 class, however, comprises the great mass of society, 
 and hence is the origin of party, by which is meant 
 a large body of people, some few of whom think, and 
 all the rest talk. The former, who are called the 
 leaders, marshal out and discipline the latter, teaching 
 them what they must approve what they must hoot 
 at what they must say whom they must support ; 
 but, above all, whom they must hate ; for no man can 
 be a right good partisan, unless he be a determined 
 and thorough-going hater. 
 
 But when the sovereign people are thus properly 
 broken to the harness, yoked, curbed, and reined, it is 
 delectable to see with what docility and harmony they 
 jog onward, through mud and mire, at the will of their 
 drivers, dragging the dirt-carts of faction at their 
 heels. How many a patriotic member of congress 
 have I seen, who would never have known how to 
 make up his mind on any question, and might have 
 run a great risk of voting right by mere accident- had 
 he not had others to think for him, and a file leader 
 to vote after. 
 
 Thus, then, the enlightened inhabitants of the Man- 
 hattoes, being divided into parties, were enabled to 
 organise dissension, and to oppose and hate one an- 
 other more accurately. And now the great business 
 of politics went bravely on ; the parties assembling in 
 separate beer-houses, and smoking at each other with 
 implacable animosity, to the great support of the state, 
 
198 HISTORY OF 
 
 and emolument of the tavern-keepers. Some, indeed, 
 who were more zealous than the rest, went further, 
 and began to bespatter one another with numerous 
 very hard names and scandalous little words, to be 
 found in the Dutch language ; every partisan believing 
 religiously that he was serving his country, when he 
 traduced the character, or impoverished the pocket of 
 a political adversary. But, however they might-differ 
 between themselves, all parties agreed on one point 
 to cavil at and condemn every measure of government 
 whether right or wrong ; for as the governor was by 
 his station independent of their power, and was not 
 elected by their choice, and as he had not decided 
 in favour of either faction, neither of them was inter- 
 ested in his success, nor in the prosperity of the 
 country while under his administration. 
 
 " Unhappy William Kieft I " exclaims the sage 
 writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, " doomed to 
 contend with enemies too knowing to be entrapped, 
 and to reign over a people too wise to be governed ! " 
 All his expeditions against his enemies were baffled 
 and set at nought, and all his measures for the public 
 safety were cavilled at by the people. Did he pro- 
 pose levying an efficient body of troops for internal 
 defence the mob, that is to say, those vagabond 
 members of the community who have nothing to lose, 
 immediately took the alarm, vociferated that their 
 interests were in danger ; that a standing army was 
 a legion of moths, preying on the pockets of society ; 
 a rod of iron in the hands of government ; and that a 
 government with a military force at^ its command 
 would inevitably swell into a despotism. Did he, as 
 was but too commonly the case, defer preparation 
 until the moment of emergency, and then hastily col- 
 lect a handful of undisciplined vagrants the measure 
 was hooted at, as feeble and inadequate ; as trifling 
 
NEW YORK. 199 
 
 with the public dignity and safety ; and as lavishing 
 the public funds on impotent enterprises. Did he 
 resort to the economic measure of proclamation he 
 was laughed at by the Yankees. Did he back it by 
 non-intercourse it was evaded and counteracted by 
 his own subjects. Whichever way he turned himself 
 he was beleaguered and distracted by petitions of 
 " numerous and respectable meetings/' consisting of 
 some half a dozen brawling pot-house politicians ; all 
 of which he read and, what is worse, all of which he 
 attended to. The consequence was, that by inces- 
 santly changing his measures, he gave none of them a 
 fair trial ; and by listening to the clamours of the 
 mob, and endeavouring to do every thing, he, in sober 
 truth, did nothing. 
 
 I would not have it supposed, however, that he took 
 all these memorials and interferences good naturedly, 
 for such an idea would do an injustice to his valiant 
 spirit ; on the contrary, he never received a piece of 
 advice in the whole course of his life, without first 
 getting into a passion with the giver. But I have 
 ever observed that your passionate little men, like 
 small boats with large sails, are the easiest upset or 
 blown out of their course ; and this is demonstrated 
 by Governor Kieft, who, though in temperament as 
 hot as an old radish, and with a mind, the territory of 
 which was subjected to perpetual whirlwinds and tor- 
 nadoes, yet never failed to be carried away by the last 
 piece of advice that was blown into his ear. Lucky 
 was it for him that his power was not dependent on 
 the greasy multitude, and that as yet the populace did 
 not possess the important privilege of nominating their 
 chief magistrate. They, hbwever, like a true mob, 
 did their best to help along public affairs ; pestering 
 their governor incessantly, by goading him on with 
 harangues and petitions ; and then thwarting his fiery 
 
200 HISTORY OF 
 
 spirit with reproaches and memorials, like a knot of 
 Sunday-jockeys, managing an unlucky devil of a hack- 
 horse : so that Wilhelmus Kieft may be said to have 
 been kept either on a worry or a hand-gallop, through- 
 out the whole of his administration. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Containing divers fearful Accounts of Border Wars, and the flagrant 
 Outrages of the Moss- Troopers of Connecticut; with the Rise of 
 the great Amphyctionic Council of the East, and the Decline of 
 William the Testy. 
 
 IT was asserted by the wise men of ancient times, 
 who were intimately acquainted with these matters, 
 that at the gate of Jupiter's palace lay two huge tuns, 
 the one filled with blessings, the other with misfor- 
 tunes ; and it verily seems as if the latter had been 
 completely overturned, and left to deluge the unlucky 
 province of Nieuw Nederlandts. Among the many 
 internal and external causes of irritation, the incessant 
 irruptions of the Yankees upon his frontiers were 
 continually adding fuel to the inflammable temper of 
 William the Testy. Numerous accounts of these 
 molestations may still be found among the records of 
 the times ; for the commanders on the frontiers were 
 especially careful to evince their vigilance and zeal, by 
 striving who should send home the most frequent and 
 voluminous budgets of complaints, as your faithful 
 servant is eternally running with complaints to the 
 parlour, of all the petty squabbles and misdemeanours 
 of the kitchen. All these valiant tale-bearings were 
 listened to with great wrath by the passionate Kieft 
 and his subjects, who were to the full as eager to 
 hear, and credulous to believe these frontier fables, as 
 are my fellow citizens to swallow those amusing 
 
NEW YORK. 201 
 
 stories with which our papers are daily filled, about 
 British aggressions at sea, French sequestrations on 
 shore,' Spanish infringements in the promised land of 
 Louisiana, and, above* all, internal plots and con- 
 spiracies. 
 
 We are told by the good Plutarch, in his life of 
 Nicias, that the terrible defeat of the Athenians in 
 Sicily was first mentioned in the shop of a gos- 
 sipping barber at the Piraeus. Whereupon, with the 
 customary officiousness of his tribe, he ran up into 
 Athens to have the first telling of the story, and 
 threw the whole forum into consternation. Not being 
 able, however, to substantiate his tale, the unlucky 
 shaver was put upon the wheel, and whirled about, as 
 a reward for his trouble, until he was exculpated by 
 the arrival of other evidence. 
 
 Such was the manner in which busy alarmists and 
 manufacturers of fearful news were treated in Athens, 
 whereas in our more enlightened country we support 
 whole herds of editors for no other purpose than to 
 gratify a public appetite for direful news, and any man 
 who can foist up a full sounding, hobgoblin story of a 
 plot or conspiracy, may command his own price for it. 
 I have known two or three of these tales of terror to 
 be bought up by government, for the sovereign people 
 to amuse themselves withal ; which goes further to 
 prove, what I have before asserted, that your enlight- 
 ened people love to be miserable. 
 
 Far be it from me to insinuate, however, that our 
 worthy ancestors indulged in groundless alarms ; on 
 the contrary, they were daily suffering a repetition of 
 cruel wrongs*, not one of which but was a sufficient 
 
 * From among a multitude of bitter grievances still on record, 
 I select a few of the most atrocious, and leave my readers to judge, 
 if our ancestors were not justifiable in getting into a very valiant 
 passion on the occasion: 
 
202 HISTORY OF 
 
 reason, according to the maxims of national dignity 
 and honour, for throwing the whole universe into 
 hostility and confusion. 
 
 Oh ye powers ! into what indignation did every one 
 of these outrages throw the philosophic William I 
 Letter after letter, protest after protest, proclamation 
 after proclamation, bad Latin, worse English, arid 
 hideous Low Dutch were exhausted in vain upon the 
 inexorable Yankees ; and the four and twenty letters of 
 the alphabet, which, excepting his champion, the sturdy 
 trumpeter Van Corlear, composed the only standing 
 army he had at his command, were never off duty 
 throughout the whole of his ^administration. Nor did 
 Anthony, the trumpeter, remain a'whit behind his patron 
 the gallant Kieft, in his fiery zeal ; but like a faithful 
 champion and preserver of the public safety, on the 
 arrival of every fresh article of news, he was sure to 
 sound his trumpet from the ramparts, with most 
 disastrous notes, throwing the people into violent 
 alarms, and disturbing their rest at all times and 
 seasons ; which caused him to be held in very great 
 regard, the public pampering and rewarding him, as 
 
 24 June, 1641. Some of Hartford have taken a hogg out of the 
 vlact or common, and shut it up out of meer hate or other preju- 
 dice, causing it to starve for hunger in the stye ! 
 
 26 July. The foremencioned English did againe drive the Com- 
 panie's hoggs out of the vlact of Sicojoke into Hartford ; contend- 
 ing daily with reproaches, blows, beating the people with all disgrace 
 that they could imagine. 
 
 May 20, 1642. The English of Hartford have violently cut 
 loose a horse of the honoured Companie's, that stood bound upon 
 the common or vlact. 
 
 May 9, 1 643. The Companie's horses pastured upon the Com- 
 panie's ground were driven away by them of Connecticut and 
 Hartford, and the herdsmen lustily beaten with hatchets and 
 sticks. 
 
 16. Again they sold a young hogg belonging to the Companie, 
 which piggs had pastured on the Companie's land. 
 
 Haz. Col. State Pap. 
 
NEW YORK. 203 
 
 we do brawling editors, for reasons that have just 
 been mentioned. I am well aware of the perils that 
 environ me in this part of my history. While raking 
 with curious hands but pious heart among the moul- 
 dering remains of former days, anxious to draw there- 
 from the honey of wisdom, I may fare somewhat like 
 that valiant worthy Samson who, in meddling with the 
 carcass of a dead lion, drew a swarm of bees about his 
 ears. Thus while narrating the many misdeeds of the 
 Yanokie or Yankee tribe, it is ten chances to one but 
 I offend the morbid sensibilities of certain of their 
 unreasonable descendants, who may fly out and raise 
 such a buzzing about this unlucky head of mine, that 
 I shall need the tough hide of an Achilles or an 
 Orlando Furioso, to protect me from their stings. 
 
 Should such be the case, I should deeply and sin- 
 cerely lament not my misfortune in giving offence, 
 but the wrong-headed perverseness of an ill-natured 
 generation, in taking offence at any thing I say. That 
 their ancestors did use my ancestors ill is true, and 
 I am very sorry for it. I would with all my heart 
 the fact were otherwise, but as I am recording the 
 sacred events of history, I'd not bate one nail's breadth 
 of the honest truth, though I were sure the whole 
 edition of my work should be bought up and burned 
 by the common hangman of Connecticut. And, in 
 sooth, now that these testy gentlemen have drawn me 
 out, I will make bold to go further, and observe, that 
 this is one of the grand purposes for which we impartial 
 historians are sent into the world to redress wrongs 
 and render justice on the heads of the guilty. So that 
 though a powerful nation may wrong its neighbours 
 with temporary impunity, yet s ooner or later an 
 historian springs up, who wreaks ample chastisement 
 on it in return. 
 
 Thus these moss-troopers of the east little thought, 
 
204 HISTORY OF 
 
 I'll warrant it, while they were harassing the inoffen- 
 sive province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and driving its 
 unhappy governor to his wit's end, that an historian 
 should ever arise, and give them their own, with 
 interest. Since then I am but performing my bounden 
 duty as an historian, in avenging the wrongs of our 
 revered ancestors, I shall make no further apology ; 
 and indeed, when it is considered that I have all these 
 ancient borderers of the east in my power, and at the 
 mercy of my pen, I trust that it will be admitted I 
 conduct myself with great humanity and moderation. 
 
 To resume then the course of my history. Appear- 
 ances to the eastward began now to assume a more 
 formidable aspect than ever ; for I would have you to 
 note that hitherto the province had been chiefly 
 molested by its immediate neighbours, the people of 
 Connecticut, particularly of Hartford ; which, if we may 
 judge from ancient chronicles, was the strong hold of 
 these sturdy moss-troopers, from whence they sallied 
 forth, on their daring incursions, carrying terror and 
 devastation into the barns, the henroosts, and pigsties 
 of our revered ancestors. 
 
 Albeit about the year 1643 the people of the east 
 country, inhabiting the colonies of Massachusets, Con- 
 necticut, New Plymouth, and New Haven, gathered 
 together into a mighty conclave, and after buzzing 
 and debating for many days, like a political hive of 
 bees in swarming time, at length settled themselves 
 into a formidable confederation-, under the title of the 
 United Colonies of New England. By this union 
 they pledged themselves to stand by one another in 
 all perils and assaults, and to co-operate in all mea- 
 sures, offensive and defensive, against the surrounding 
 savages, among which were doubtlessly included our 
 honoured ancestors of the Manhattoes ; and, to give 
 more strength and system to this confederation, a 
 
NEW YORK. 205 
 
 general assembly or grand council was to be annually 
 held, composed of representatives from each of the 
 provinces. 
 
 On receiving accounts of this puissant combination, 
 the fiery Wilhelmus was struck with vast consterna- 
 tion, arid for the first time in his whole life forgot to 
 bounce, at hearing an unwelcome piece of intelligence; 
 which, a venerable historian of the times observes, 
 was especially noticed among the sage politicians of 
 New Amsterdam. The truth was, on turning over 
 in his mind all that he had read at the Hague, about 
 leagues and combinations, he found that this was an 
 exact imitation of the famous Amphyctionic council, 
 by which the states of Greece were enabled to attain 
 such power and supremacy ; and the very idea made 
 his heart to quake for the safety of his empire at the 
 Manhattoes. 
 
 He strenuously insisted, that the whole object of 
 this confederation was to drive the Nederlanders out 
 of their fair domains ; and always flew into a great 
 rage if any one presumed to doubt the probability- of 
 his conjecture. Nor was he wholly unwarranted in 
 such a suspicion ; for at the very first annual meeting 
 of the grand council, held at Boston (which governor 
 Kieft denominated the Delphos of this truly classic 
 league), strong representations were made against 
 the Nederlanders, for as much as that in their dealing 
 with the Indians they carried on a traffic in " guns, 
 powther, and shott a trade damnable and injurious 
 to the colonists *." Not but what certain of the 
 Connecticut traders, did likewise dabble a little in 
 this " damnable traffic," but then they always sold 
 the Indians such scurvy guns that they burst at the 
 first discharge and consequently hurt no one but 
 these pagan savages. 
 
 * Haz. Col. S. Papers. 
 
206 HISTORY OF 
 
 The rise of this potent confederacy was a death 
 blow to the glory of William the Testy, for from that 
 day forward, it was remarked by many, he never held 
 up his head, but appeared quite crest-fallen. His 
 subsequent reign, therefore, affords but scanty food 
 for the historic pen we find the grand council con- 
 tinually augmenting in power, and threatening to 
 overwhelm the mighty but defenceless province of 
 Nieuw Nederlandts ; while Wilhelmus Kieft kept 
 constantly firing off his proclamations and protests 
 like a shrewd sea captain firing off so many car- 
 ronades and swivels, in order to break and disperse a 
 water-spout but, alas ! they had no more effect than 
 if they had been so many blank cartridges. 
 
 The last document on record of this learned, phi-" 
 losophic, but unfortunate little man, is a long letter 
 to the council of the Amphyctions ; wherein, in the 
 bitterness of his heart, he rails at the people of New 
 Haven, or Red Hills, for their uncourteous contempt 
 of his protest levelled at them for squatting within 
 the province of their high mightinesses. From this 
 letter, which is a model of epistolary writing, abound- 
 ing with pithy apophthegms and classic figures, my 
 limits will barely allow me to extract the following 
 recondite passage*: " Certainly when we heare the 
 Inhabitants of New Hartford complayninge of us, we 
 seem to heare Esop's wolfe complayninge of the lamb, 
 or the admonition of the younge man, who cryed out 
 to his mother, chideing with her neighbours, ' Oh, 
 Mother, revile her, lest she first take up that practice 
 against you.' But being taught by precedent pas- 
 sages, we received such an answer to our protest from 
 the inhabitants of New Haven as we expected : the 
 Eagle always despiseth the Beetle-fly : yet notwith- 
 standing we doe undauntedly continue on our purpose 
 * Vide Haz. Col. State Papers. 
 
NEW YORK. 207 
 
 of pursuing our own right, by just arms and righteous 
 means, and doe hope without scruple to execute the 
 express commands of our superiours." To show that 
 this last sentence was not a mere empty menace, he 
 concluded his letter by intrepidly protesting against 
 the whole council, as a horde of squatters and inter- 
 lopers ; inasmuch as they held their meeting at New 
 Haven, or the Red Hills, which he claimed as being 
 within the Province of the New Netherlands. 
 
 Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign 
 of William the Testy ; for henceforth, in the troubles, 
 the perplexities, and the confusion of the times, he 
 seems to have been totally overlooked, and to have 
 slipped for ever through the fingers of scrupulous 
 history. Indeed, for some cause or other which I 
 cannot divine, there appears to have been a combina- 
 tion among historians to sink his very name into 
 oblivion ; in consequence of which they have one and 
 all forborne even to speak of his exploits. This shows 
 how important it is for great men to cultivate the 
 favour of the learned, if they are ambitious of honour 
 and renown. " Insult not the dervise," said a wise 
 Caliph to his son, " lest thou offend thine historian ;" 
 and many a mighty man of the olden time, had he 
 observed so obvious a maxim, might have escaped 
 divers cruel wipes of the pen which have been drawn 
 across his character. 
 
 It has been a matter of deep concern to me, that 
 such darkness and obscurity should hang over the 
 latter days of the illustrious Kieft ; for he was a 
 mighty and great little man, worthy of being utterly 
 renowned, seeing that he was the first potentate that 
 introduced into this land the art of fighting by pro- 
 clamation, and defending a country by trumpeters and 
 windmills ; an economic and humane mode of war- 
 fare, since revived with great applause, and which 
 
208 HISTORY OF 
 
 promises, if it can ever be carried into full effect, to 
 save great trouble and treasure, and spare infinitely 
 more bloodshed than either the discovery of gun- 
 powder or the invention of torpedoes. 
 
 It is true, that certain of the early provincial poets, 
 of whom there were great numbers in the Nieuw 
 Nederlandts, taking the advantage of the mysterious 
 exit of William the Testy, have fabled that, like Ro- 
 mulus, he was translated to the skies, and forms a 
 very fiery little star, somewhere on the left claw of 
 the Crab ; while others, equally fanciful, declare that 
 he had experienced a fate similar to that of the good 
 King Arthur ; who, we are assured by ancient bards, 
 was carried away to the delicious abodes of fairy 
 land, where he still exists, in pristine worth and vigour, 
 and will one day or another return to rescue poor old 
 England from the hands of paltry, flippant, pettifog- 
 ging cabinets, and restore the gallantry, the honour, 
 and the immaculate probity which prevailed in the 
 glorious days of the Round Table *. 
 
 All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the 
 cobweb visions of those dreaming varlets, the poets, to 
 which I would not have my judicious reader attach 
 any credibility. Neither am I disposed to yield any 
 credit to the assertion of an ancient and rather apo- 
 cryphal historian, who alleges that the ingenious 
 Wilhelmus was annihilated by the blowing down of 
 one of his windmills ; nor to that of a writer of later 
 
 * The old Welsh Lards believed that King Arthur was not dead, 
 but carried a\vaie by the faries into some pleasent place, where he 
 shold remaine for a time, and then returne againe and reigne in as 
 great authority as ever. HOLLINGSHED. 
 
 The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all 
 Britaigne, for certes this is the prophicye of Merlyn. He say'd that 
 his deth shall be doubteous ; and said soth, for men thereof yet 
 have doubte and shullen for ever more for men wyt not whether 
 that he lyveth or is dede. DE I EEW CHRON. 
 
NEW YORK. 209 
 
 times, who affirms that he fell a victim to a philoso- 
 phical experiment, which he had for many years been 
 vainly striving to accomplish ; having the misfortune 
 to break his neck from the garret-window of the 
 Stadthouse, in an ineffectual attempt to catch swal- 
 lows, by sprinkling fresh salt upon their tails. 
 
 The most probable account, and to which I am 
 inclined to give my implicit faith, is contained in a very 
 obscure tradition, which declares, that what with the 
 constant troubles on his frontiers, the incessant 
 schemings and projects going on in his own peri- 
 cranium the memorials, petitions, remonstrances, and 
 sage pieces of advice from divers respectable meet- 
 ings of the sovereign people, together with the refrac- 
 tory disposition of his council, who were sure to 
 differ from him on every point, and uniformly to be in 
 the wrong : all these, I say, did eternally operate to 
 keep his mind in a kind of furnace heat, until he at 
 length became as completely burnt out as a Dutch 
 family pipe which has passed through three genera- 
 tions of hard smokers. In this manner did the cho- 
 leric but magnanimous William the Testy undergo a 
 kind of animal combustion, consuming away like a 
 farthing rush-light ; so that when grim death finally 
 snuffed him out, there was scarce left enough of him 
 to bury ! 
 
 END OF BOOK FOURTH. 
 
210 HISTORY OF 
 
 BOOK V. 
 
 CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER STUYVESANT, 
 AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHYCTIONIC COUNCIL. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 In which the Death of a great Man is shown to be no very incon- 
 solable Matter of Sorrow ; and how Peter Stuy vesant acquired a 
 great Name from the uncommon Strength of his Head. 
 
 To a profound philosopher, like myself, who am 
 apt to see clear through a subject, where the penetra- 
 tion of ordinary people extends but half way, there is 
 no fact more simple and manifest than that the death 
 of a great man is a matter of very little importance. 
 Much as we may think of ourselves, and much as we 
 may excite the empty plaudits of the million, it is 
 certain that the greatest among us do actually fill but 
 an exceeding small space in the world ; and it is 
 equally certain, that even that small space is quickly 
 supplied when we leave it vacant. " Of what conse- 
 quence is it," said the elegant Pliny, " that indivi- 
 duals, appear or make their exit ? the world is a 
 theatre, whose scenes and actors are continually 
 changing." Never did philosopher speak more cor- 
 rectly, and I only wonder, that so -wise a remark could 
 have existed so many ages, and mankind not have 
 laid it more to heart. Sage follows on in the foot- 
 steps of sage ; one hero just steps out of his triumphal 
 car, to make way for the hero who comes after him ; 
 and of the proudest monarch it is merely said, that 
 
NEW YORK. 211 
 
 " he slept with his fathers, and his successor reigned 
 in his stead." 
 
 The world, to tell the private truth, cares but little 
 for their loss, and if left to itself, would soon forget to 
 grieve; and though a nation has often been figura- 
 tively drowned in tears on the death of a great man, 
 yet it is ten chances to one if an individual tear has 
 been shed on the occasion, excepting from the forlorn 
 pen of some hungry author. It is the historian, the 
 biographer, and the poet, who have the whole burden 
 of grief to sustain who, kind souls ! like undertakers 
 in England, act the part of chief mourners who 
 innate a nation with sighs it never heaved, and deluge 
 it with tears it never dreamt of shedding. Thus, 
 while the patriotic author is weeping and howling, in 
 prose, in blank verse, and in rhyme, and collecting 
 the drops of public sorrow into his volume, as into a 
 lachrymal vase, it is more than probable his fellow- 
 citizens are eating and drinking, fiddling and dancing, 
 as utterly ignorant of the bitter lamentations made 
 in their name, as are those men of straw, John Doe 
 and Richard Roe, of the plaintiffs ^for whom they 
 are generously pleased on divers occasions to become 
 sureties. 
 
 The most glorious and praiseworthy hero that ever 
 desolated nations might have mouldered into oblivion 
 among the rubbish of his own monument, did not 
 some historian take him into favour, and benevolently 
 transmit his name to posterity : and much as the 
 valiant William Kieft worried, and bustled, and tur- 
 moiled, while he had the destinies of a whole colony 
 in his hand, I question seriously whether he will not be 
 obliged to this authentic history for all his future* 
 celebrity. 
 
 His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city of 
 New Amsterdam or its vicinity : the earth trembled 
 
212 HISTORY OF 
 
 not, neither did any stars shoot from their spheres 
 the heavens were not shrouded in black, as poets 
 would fain persuade us they have been, on the unfor- 
 tunate death of a hero the rocks (hard-hearted 
 varlets !) melted not into tears, nor did the trees hang 
 their heads in silent sorrow ; and as to the sun, he 
 laid abed the next night, just as long, and showed as 
 jolly a face when he arose, as he ever did on the same 
 day of the month in any year, either before or since. 
 The good people of New Amsterdam, one and all, 
 declared that he had been a very busy, active, bustling 
 little governor that he was " the father of his coun- 
 try" that he was " the noblest work of God" that 
 " he was a man, take him for all in all, they ne'er 
 should look upon his like again" together with 
 sundry other civil and affectionate speeches, that are 
 regularly said on the death of all great men ; after 
 which they smoked their pipes, thought no more about 
 him, and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded to his station. 
 
 Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and like the renowned 
 Wouter Van Twiller,he was also the best of our ancient 
 Dutch governors ; Wouter having surpassed all who 
 preceded him, and Pieter or Piet, as he was sociably 
 called by the old Dutch burghers, who were ever prone 
 to familiarise names, having never been equalled by 
 any successor. He was, in fact, the very man fitted 
 by nature to retrieve the desperate fortunes of her 
 beloved province, had not the fates, those most potent, 
 immaculate, and unrelenting of all ancient and immor- 
 tal spinsters, destined them to inextricable confusion. 
 
 To say merely that he was a hero would be doing 
 him great injustice he was, in truth, a combination 
 of heroes ; for he was of a sturdy, raw-boned make, 
 like Ajax Telamon, so famous for his prowess in 
 belabouring the little Trojans with a pair of round 
 shoulders, that Hercules would have given his hide 
 
NEW YORK. 
 
 for (meaning bis lion's hide), when he undertook to 
 ease old Atlas of his load. He was, moreover, as 
 Plutarch describes Coriolanus, not only terrible for the 
 force of his arm, but likewise of his voice, which 
 sounded as though it came out of a barrel ; and like 
 the self-same warrior, he possessed a sovereign con- 
 tempt for the sovereign people, and an iron aspect, 
 which was enough of itself to make the very bowels 
 of his adversaries quake with terror and dismay. All 
 this martial excellency of appearance was inexpressibly 
 heightened by an accidental advantage, with which I 
 am surprised that neither Homer nor Virgil have 
 graced any of their heroes ; for it is worth all the 
 scars and wounds in the Iliad and ^Eneid, or Lucan's 
 Pharsalia into the bargain. This was nothing less 
 than a redoubtable wooden leg, which was the only 
 prize he had gained in bravely fighting the battles of 
 his country ; but of which he was so proud that he 
 was often heard to declare he valued it more than all 
 his other limbs put together ; indeed so highly did he 
 esteem it, that he had it gallantly enchased and relieved 
 with silver devices, which caused it to be related in 
 divers histories and legends that he wore a silver leg *. 
 
 Like that choleric warrior Achilles, he was some- 
 what subject to extempore bursts of passion, which 
 were ofttimes rather unpleasant to his favourites and 
 attendants, whose perceptions he was apt to quicken, 
 after the manner of his illustrious imitator, Peter the 
 Great, by anointing their shoulders with his walking 
 staff. 
 
 But the resemblance for which I most value him 
 was that which he bore in many particulars to the 
 renowned Charlemagne. Though I cannot find that 
 he had read Plato, or Aristotle, or Hobbes, or Bacon, 
 or Algernon Sydney, or Tom Paine ; yet did he some- 
 * See the Histories of Masters Josselyn and Blome. 
 
214 HISTORY OF 
 
 times manifest a shrewdness and sagacity in his 
 measures, that one would hardly expect from a man 
 who did not know Greek, and had never studied the 
 ancients. True it is, and I confess it with sorrow, 
 that he had an unreasonable aversion to experiments, 
 and was fond of governing his province after the 
 simplest manner ; but then he contrived to keep it in 
 better order than did the erudite Kieft, though he 
 had all the philosophers, ancient and modern, to assist 
 and perplex him. I must likewise own that he made 
 but very few laws, but then again he took care that 
 those few were rigidly and impartially enforced ; and 
 I do not know but justice on the whole was as well 
 administered as if there had been volumes of sage 
 acts and statutes yearly made, and daily neglected and 
 forgotten. 
 
 He was, in fact, the very reverse of his predeces- 
 sors, being neither tranquil and inert, like Walter the 
 Doubter, nor restless and fidgetting, like William the 
 Testy ; but a man, or rather a governor, of such 
 uncommon activity and decision of mind, that he never 
 sought or accepted the advice of others ; depending 
 confidently upon his single head, as did the heroes of 
 yore upon their single arms, to work his way through 
 all difficulties and dangers. To tell the simple truth, 
 he wanted no other requisite for a perfect statesman 
 than to think always right, for no one can deny that 
 he always acted as he thought ; and if he wanted in 
 correctness, he made up for it in perseverance an 
 excellent quality ! since it is surely more dignified for 
 a ruler to be persevering and consistent in error, than 
 wavering and contradictory in endeavouring to do 
 what is right ; this much is certain, and it is a maxim 
 worthy the attention of all legislators, both great and 
 small, who stand shaking in the wind, without knowing 
 which way to steer. A ruler who acts according to 
 
NEW YORK. 215 
 
 his own will is sure of pleasing himself; while he who 
 seeks to satisfy the wishes and whims of others runs 
 a great risk of pleasing nobody. The clock that 
 stands still, and points steadfastly in one direction, is 
 certain of being- right twice in the four and twenty 
 hours ; while others may keep going continually, and 
 continually be going wrong. 
 
 Nor did this magnanimous virtue escape the dis- 
 cernment of the good people of Nieuw Nederlandts ; 
 on the contrary, so high an opinion had they of the 
 independent mind and vigorous intellects of their new 
 governor, that they universally called him Hard- 
 koppig Piety or PETER THE HEADSTRONG a great 
 compliment to his understanding ! 
 
 If from all that I have said thou dost not gather, 
 worthy reader, that Peter Stuyvesant- was a tough, 
 sturdy, valiant, weather-beaten, mettlesome, obstinate, 
 leathern-sided, lion-hearted, generous-spirited old 
 governor, either I have written to but little purpose, 
 or thou art very dull at drawing conclusions. 
 
 This most excellent governor, whose character I 
 have thus attempted feebly to delineate, commenced his 
 administration on the 29th of May, 1647 ; a remark- 
 ably stormy day, distinguished in all the almanacks of 
 the time which have come down to us, by the name of 
 Windy Friday. As he was very jealous of his per- 
 sonal and official dignity, he was inaugurated into 
 office with great ceremony ; the goodly oaken chair 
 of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller being 1 carefully 
 preserved for such occasions, in like manner as the 
 chair and stone were reverentially preserved at Scone 
 in Scotland, for the coronation of the Caledonian 
 monarchs. 
 
 I must not omit to mention, that the tempestuous 
 state of the elements, together with its being that 
 unlucky day of the week, termed " hanging day," did 
 
216 HISTORY Of 
 
 not fail to excite much grave speculation, and divers 
 very reasonable apprehensions among the more ancient 
 and enlightened inhabitants ; and several of the sager 
 sex, who were reputed to be not a little skilled in the 
 mysteries of astrology and fortune-telling, did declare 
 outright, that they were omens of a disastrous admi- 
 nistration an event that came to be lamentably 
 verified, and which proves, beyond dispute, the wisdom 
 of attending to those preternatural intimations fur- 
 nished by dreams and visions, the flying of birds, 
 falling of stones, and cackling of geese, on which the 
 sages and rulers of ancient times placed such reliance ; 
 or to those shootings of stars, eclipses of the moon, 
 howlings of dogs, and flarings of candles, carefully 
 noted and interpreted by the oracular sibyls of our 
 day ; who, in my humble opinion, are the legitimate 
 inheritors and preservers of the ancient science of 
 divination. This much is certain, that Governor 
 Stuyvesant succeeded to the chair of state at a turbu- 
 lent period ; when foes thronged and threatened from 
 without; when anarchy and stiif-necked opposition 
 reigned rampant within ; when the authority of their 
 high mightinesses the lords states general, though 
 founded on the broad Dutch bottom of unoffending 
 imbecility ; though supported by economy, and de- 
 fended by speeches, protests, proclamations, yet 
 tottered to its very centre ; and when the great city 
 of New Amsterdam, though fortified by flag-staffs, 
 trumpeters, and wind-mills, seemed like some fair 
 lady of easy virtue, to lay open to attack, and ready to 
 yield to the first invader. 
 
NEW YORK. 217 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Showing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred himself among the 
 Rats and Cobwebs on entering into Office ; and the perilous 
 Mistake he was guilty of in his Dealings with the Amphyctions. 
 
 THE very first movements of the great Peter, on 
 taking the reins of government, displayed the magna- 
 nimity of his mind, though they occasioned not a little 
 marvel and uneasiness among the people of the 
 Manhattoes. Finding himself constantly interrupted 
 by the opposition, and annoyed by the sage advice of 
 his privy council, the members of which had acquired 
 the unreasonable habit of thinking and speaking for 
 themselves during the preceding reign, he determined 
 at once to put a stop to such grievous abominations, 
 Scarcely, therefore, had he entered upon his authority, 
 than he turned out of office all those meddlesome 
 spirits that composed the factious cabinet of William 
 the Testy, in place of whom he chose unto himself 
 counsellors from those fat, somniferous, respectable 
 families, that had flourished and slumbered under the 
 easy reign of Walter the Doubter. All these he 
 caused to be furnished with abundance of fair long 
 pipes, and to be regaled with frequent corporation 
 dinners, admonishing them to smoke, and eat, and 
 sleep, for the good of the nation, while he took all the 
 burden of government upon his own shoulders an 
 arrangement to which they all gave a hearty acquies- 
 cence. 
 
 Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout 
 among the inventions and expedients of his learned 
 predecessor demolishing his flag-staffs and windmills, 
 which, like mighty giants, guarded the ramparts of 
 New Amsterdam pitching to the duyvel whole bat- 
 teries of quaker-guns rooting up his patent gallows, 
 
218 HISTORY OF 
 
 where caitiff vagabonds were suspended by the waist- 
 band ; and in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole 
 philosophic, economic, and windmill system of the 
 immortal sage of Saardam, 
 
 The honest folk of New Amsterdam began to quake 
 now for the fate of their matchless champion Anthony 
 the trumpeter, who had acquired prodigious favour in 
 the eyes of the women, by means of his whiskers and 
 his trumpet. Him did Peter the Headstrong cause 
 to be brought into his presence, and eyeing him for a 
 moment from head to foot, with a countenance that 
 would have appalled any thing else than a sounder of 
 brass : " Prythee, who and what art thou ? " said he. 
 " Sire," replied the other, in no wise dismayed; " for 
 my name, it is Anthony^ Van Corlear for my parent- 
 age, I am the son of my mother for my profession, 
 I am champion and garrison of this great city of New 
 Amsterdam." < ; I doubt me much," said Peter Stuy- 
 vesant, " that thou art some scurvy costardmonger 
 knave how didst thou acquire this paramount honour 
 and dignity?" "Marry, Sir," replied the other, "like 
 many a great man before me, simply by sounding my 
 own trumpet" "Ay, is it so?" quoth the governor, 
 " why then let us have a relish of thy art." Where- 
 upon he put his instrument to his lips, and sounded a 
 charge, with such a tremendous outset, such a delect- 
 able quaver, and such a triumphant cadence, that it 
 was enough to make your heart leap out of your mouth 
 only to be within a mile of it. Like as a war-worn 
 charger, while sporting in peaceful plains, if by chance 
 he hear the strains of martial music, pricks up his 
 ears, and snorts and paws and kindles at the noise: 
 so did the heroic soul of the mighty Peter joy to hear 
 the clangour of the trumpet ; for of him might truly 
 be said what was recorded of the renowned St. George 
 of England- 1 --" there was nothing in all the world 
 
NEW YORK. 219 
 
 that more rejoiced his heart, than to hear the pleasant 
 sound of war, and see the soldiers brandish forth their 
 steeled weapons." Casting his eyes more kindly, 
 therefore, upon the sturdy Van Corlear, and finding 
 him to be a jolly, fat little man, shrewd in his discourse, 
 yet of great discretion and immeasurable wind, he 
 straightway conceived a vast kindness for him, and 
 discharging him from the troublesome duty of gar- 
 risoning, defending, and alarming the city, ever after 
 retained him about his person, as his chief favourite, 
 confidential envoy, and trusty squire. Instead of dis- 
 turbing the city with disastrous notes, he was instructed 
 to play so as to delight the governor while at his 
 repasts, as did the minstrels of yore in the days of 
 glorious chivalry and on all public occasions to 
 rejoice the ears of the people with warlike melody ; 
 thereby keeping alive a noble and martial spirit. 
 
 Many other alterations and reformations, both for 
 the better and for the worse, did the governor make, 
 of which my time will not serve me to record the 
 particulars ; suffice it to say, he soon contrived to 
 make the province feel that he was its master, and 
 treated the sovereign people with such tyrannical 
 rigour, that they were all fain to hold their tongues, 
 stay at home, and attend to their business ; insomuch 
 that party feuds and distinctions were almost forgotten, 
 and many thriving keepers of taverns and dram-shops 
 were utterly ruined for want of business. 
 
 Indeed the critical state of public affairs at this 
 time demanded the utmost vigilance and promptitude. 
 The formidable council of the Amphyctions, which 
 had caused so much tribulation to the unfortunate 
 Kieft, still continued augmenting its forces, and 
 threatened to link within its union all the mighty 
 principalities and powers of the east. In the very 
 year following the inauguration of Governor Stuyve- 
 
220 MiSTORY OF 
 
 sant a grand deputation departed from the city of 
 Providence (famous for its dusty streets and beauteous 
 women), in behalf of the puissant plantation of Rhode 
 Island, praying to be admitted into the league. 
 
 The following mention is made of this application 
 in certain records of that assemblage of worthies, 
 which are still extant *. 
 
 "Mr. Will Cottington and Captain Partridg of 
 Rhoode Hand presented this insewing request to the 
 
 commissioners in wrighting 
 
 " Our request and motion is in behalfe of Rhoode 
 Hand that wee, the Ilanders of Rhoode Hand may be 
 rescauied into combination with all the united colonyes 
 of New England in a firme and perpetuall league of 
 friendship and amity of ofence and defence, mutuall 
 advice and succor upon all just occasions fqr our 
 mutuall safety and wellfaire, &c. 
 
 " WILL COTTINGTON, 
 
 " ALICXSANDER PARTRIDG." 
 
 There is certainly something in the very physi- 
 ognomy of this document, that might well inspire 
 apprehension. The name of Alexander, however 
 mis-spelt, has been warlike in every age ; and though 
 its fierceness is in some measure softened by being 
 coupled with the gentle cognomen of Partridge ; still, 
 like the colour of scarlet, it bears an exceeding great 
 resemblance to the sound of a trumpet. From the 
 style of the letter, moreover, and the soldierlike igno- 
 rance of orthography displayed by the noble captain, 
 Alicxsander Partridg, in spelling his own name, we 
 may picture to ourselves this mighty man of Rhodes, 
 like a second Ajax, strong in armsj potent in the 
 field, and as great a scholar as though he had been 
 educated among that learned people of Thrace, who, 
 * Haz. Col. Stat. Pap. 
 
NEW YORK. 221 
 
 Aristotle assures us, could not count beyond the 
 number four. 
 
 But whatever might be the threatening aspect of 
 this famous confederation, Peter Stuyvesant was not 
 a man to be kept in a state of incertitude and vague 
 apprehension ; he liked nothing so much as to meet 
 danger face to face, and take it by the beard. Deter- 
 mined, therefore, to put an end to all these petty 
 maraudings on the borders, he wrote two or three 
 categorical letters to the grand council ; which, 
 though neither couched in bad Latin, nor yet graced 
 by rhetorical tropes about wolves and lambs, and 
 beetle-flies, yet had more effect than all the elaborate 
 epistles, protests, and proclamations of his learned 
 predecessor put together. In consequence of his 
 urgent propositions, the great confederacy of the east 
 agreed to enter into a final adjustment of grievances 
 and settlement of boundaries, to the end that a per- 
 petual and happy peace might take place between the 
 two powers. For this purpose Governor Stuyvesant 
 deputed two ambassadors to negociate with commis- 
 sioners from the grand council of the league, and a 
 treaty was solemnly concluded at Hartford. On 
 receiving the intelligence of this event, the whole 
 community was in an uproar of exultation. The 
 trumpet of the sturdy Van Corlear sounded all day 
 with joyful clangour from the ramparts of Fort Am- 
 sterdam, and at night the city was magnificently 
 illuminated with two-hundred-and-fifty tallow candles ; 
 besides a barrel of tar, which was burned before the 
 governor's house, on the cheering aspect of public 
 affairs. 
 
 And now my worthy reader is, doubtless, like the 
 great and good Peter, congratulating himself with the 
 idea, that his feelings will no longer be molested by 
 afflicting details of stolen horses, broken heads, im- 
 
222 HISTORY OF 
 
 pounded hogs, and all the other catalogue of heart- 
 rending cruelties, that disgraced these border wars. 
 But if he should indulge in such expectations, it is a 
 proof that he is but little versed in the paradoxical 
 ways of cabinets ; to convince him of which, I solicit 
 his serious attention to my next chapter, wherein I 
 will show that Peter Stuyvesant has already committed 
 a great error in politics ; and by effecting a peace, has 
 materially jeopardised the tranquillity of the province. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Containing various Speculations on War and Negociations showing 
 that a Treaty of Peace is a great national Evil. 
 
 IT was the opinion of that poetical philosopher, 
 Lucretius, that war was the original state of man ; 
 whom he described as being primitively a savage beast 
 of prey, engaged in a constant state of hostility with 
 his own species, and that this ferocious spirit was 
 tamed and ameliorated by society. The same opinion 
 has been advocated by the learned Hobbes *, nor 
 have there been wanting many other philosophers to 
 admit and defend it. 
 
 v For my part, though prodigiously fond of these 
 valuable speculations, so complimentary to human 
 naturq, yet, in this instance, I am inclined to take the 
 proposition by halves, believing with Horace t, that 
 though war may have been originally the favourite 
 amusement and industrious employment of our pro- 
 
 * Hobbes' Leviathan, part i. chap. 13. 
 
 f Cum prorepserunt primis animalia terris, 
 Mutum ac turpe pecus, glandem atque cubilia propter, 
 Unguibus et pugnis, dein fustibus, atque ita porro 
 Pugnabant armis, quse post fabricaverat usus, 
 
 Hor. Sat. L. i. S. 3. 
 
NEW YORK, 223 
 
 genitors ; yet, like many other excellent habits, so far 
 from being^ ameliorated, it has been cultivated and 
 confirmed by refinement and civilisation, and increases 
 in exact proportion as we approach towards that state 
 of perfection, which is the ne plus ultra of modern 
 philosophy. 
 
 The first conflict between man and man was the 
 mere exertion of physical force, unaided by auxiliary 
 weapons his arm was his buckler, his fist was his 
 mace, and a broken head the catastrophe of his 
 encounters. The battle of unassisted strength was 
 succeeded by the more rugged one of stones and 
 clubs, and war assumed a sanguinary aspect. As 
 man advanced in refinement, as his faculties expanded, 
 and his sensibilities became more exquisite, he grew 
 rapidly more ingenious and experienced in the art of 
 murdering his 'fellow beings. He invented a thousand 
 devices to defend and to assault the helmet, the 
 cuirass, and the buckler, the sword, the dart, and the 
 javelin, prepared him to elude the wound, as well as 
 to launch the blow. Still urging on, in the brilliant 
 and philanthropic career of invention, he enlarges and 
 heightens % his powers of defence and injury. The 
 aries, the scorpio, the balista, and the catapulta, give 
 a horror and sublimity to war ; and magnify its glory, 
 by increasing its desolation. Still insatiable, though 
 armed with machinery that seemed to reach the limits 
 of destructive invention, and to yield a power of injury, 
 commensurate even with the desires of revenge still 
 deeper researches must be made in the diabolical 
 arcana. With furious zeal he dives into the bowels- 
 of the earth ; he toils midst poisonous minerals and 
 deadly salts the sublime discovery of gunpowder 
 blazes upon the world and, finally, the dreadful art 
 of fighting by proclamation seems to endow the demon 
 of war with ubiquity and omnipotence ! 
 
HISTORY OF 
 
 This, indeed, is grand ! this, indeed, marks the 
 powers of mind, and bespeaks that divine endowment 
 of reason, which distinguishes us from the animals, 
 our inferiors. The unenlightened brutes content 
 themselves with the native force which providence has 
 assigned them. The angry bull butts with his horns, 
 as did his progenitors before him the lion, the 
 leopard, and the tiger, seek only with their talons 
 and their fangs to gratify their sanguinary fury ; and 
 even the subtle serpent darts the same venom, and 
 uses the same wiles, as did his sire before the flood. 
 Man alone, blessed with the inventive mind, goes on 
 from discovery to discovery enlarges and multiplies 
 his powers of destruction ; arrogates the tremendous 
 weapons of Deity itself, and tasks creation to assist 
 him in murdering his brother worm ! 
 
 In proportion as the art of war has increased in 
 improvement, has the art of preserving peace advanced 
 in equal ratio ; and as we have discovered, in this age 
 of wonders and inventions, that proclamation is .the 
 most formidable engine in war, so have we discovered 
 the no less ingenious mode of maintaining peace by 
 perpetual negociations. 
 
 A treaty, or to speak more correctly, a negociation, 
 therefore, according to the acceptation of experienced 
 statesmen, learned in these matters, is no longer an 
 attempt to accommodate differences, to ascertain 
 rights, and to establish an equitable exchange of kind 
 offices ; but a contest of skill between two powers, 
 which shall overreach, and take in the other. It is a 
 cunning endeavour to obtain by peaceful manoeuvre, 
 and the chicanery of cabinets, those advantages, which 
 a nation would otherwise have wrested by force of 
 arms. In the same manner that a conscientious high- 
 wayman reforms, and becomes an excellent and praise - 
 worthy citizen, contenting himself with cheating his 
 
NEW YORK. 225 
 
 neighbour out of that property he would formerly 
 have seized with open violence. 
 
 In fact, the only time when two nations can be said 
 to be in a state of perfect amity, is when a negotiation 
 is open, and a treaty pending. Then, as there are 
 no stipulations entered into, no bonds to restrain the 
 will, no specific limits to awaken that captious jealousy 
 of right implanted in our nature, as each party has 
 some advantage to hope and expect from the other 
 then it is that the two nations are so gracious and 
 friendly to each other ; their ministers professing the 
 highest mutual regard, exchanging billets-doux, making 
 fine speeches, and indulging in all those little diplomatic 
 flirtations, coquetries, and fondlings, that do so mar- 
 vellously tickle the good humour of the respective 
 nations. Thus it may paradoxically be said, that there 
 is never so good an understanding between two nations, 
 as when there is a little misunderstanding ; and that 
 so long as they are on no terms, they are on the best 
 terms in the world. 
 
 I do not by any means pretend to claim the merit 
 of having made the above political discovery. It has 
 in fact long been secretly acted upon by certain en- 
 lightened cabinets, and is, together with divers other 
 notable theories, privately copied out of the common- 
 place book of an illustrious gentleman, who has been 
 member of congress, and enjoyed the unlimited con- 
 fidence of heads of department. To this principle 
 may be ascribed the wonderful ingenuity that has 
 been shown of late years in protracting and interrupt- 
 ing negotiations. Hence the cunning measure of 
 appointing as ambassador some political pettifogger 
 skilled in delays, sophisms, and misapprehensions, and 
 dextrous in the art of baffling argument ; or some 
 blundering statesman, whose errors and misconstruc- 
 tions may be a plea for refusing to ratify his engage-* 
 Q 
 
226 HISTORY OF 
 
 ments. And hence, too, that most notable expedient? 
 so popular with our government, of sending out a 
 brace of ambassadors ; who having each an individual 
 will to consult, character to establish, and interest to 
 promote, you may as well look for unanimity and 
 concord between two lovers with one mistress, two 
 dogs with one bone, or two naked rogues with one 
 pair of breeches. This disagreement, therefore, is 
 continually breeding delays and impediments, in con- 
 sequence of which the negociation goes on swimmingly, 
 inasmuch as there is no prospect of its ever coming to 
 a close. Nothing is lost by these delays and obstacles 
 but time ; and in a negociation, according to the 
 theory I have exposed, all time lost is in reality so 
 much time gained: with what delightful paradoxes 
 does modern political economy abound ! 
 
 Now all that I have here advanced is so notoriously 
 true, that I almost blush to take up the time of my 
 readers, with treating of matters which must many a 
 time have stared them in the face. But the propo- 
 sition to which I would most earnestly call their 
 attention is this, that though a negociation be the 
 most harmonising of all national transactions, yet a 
 treaty of peace is a great political evil, and one of the 
 most fruitful sources of war. 
 
 I have rarely seen an instance of any special con- 
 tract between individuals, that did not produce jea- 
 lousies, bickerings, and often downright ruptures 
 between them ; nor did I ever know of a treaty 
 between two nations that did not occasion continual 
 misunderstandings. How many worthy country 
 neighbours have I known, who, after living in peace 
 and good fellowship for years, have been thrown into 
 a state of distrust, cavilling, and animosity, by some 
 ill-starred agreement about fences, runs of water, and 
 stray cattle. And how many well-meaning nations, 
 
NEW YORK. 227 
 
 who would otherwise have remained in the most 
 amicable disposition towards each other, have been 
 brought to swords' points about the infringement or 
 misconstruction of some treaty, which in an evil hour 
 they had concluded by way of making their amity 
 more sure. 
 
 Treaties at best are but complied with so long as 
 interest requires their fulfilment ; consequently, they 
 are virtually binding on the weaker party only, or in 
 plain truth, they are not binding at all. No nation 
 will wantonly go to war with another, if it has nothing 
 to gain thereby, and therefore needs no treaty to 
 restrain it from violence ; and if it have anything to 
 gain, I much question, from what I have witnessed of 
 the righteous conduct of nations, whether any treaty 
 could be made so strong that it could not thrust the 
 sword through ; nay, I would hold ten to one, the 
 treaty itself would be the very source to which resort 
 would be had to find a pretext for hostilities. 
 
 Thus, therefore, I conclude, that though it is the 
 best of all policies for a nation to keep up a constant 
 negociation with its neighbours, yet it is the summit 
 of folly, for it ever to be beguiled into a treaty ; for 
 then comes on the nonfulfilment and infraction then 
 remonstrance, then 'altercation, then retaliation, then 
 recrimination, and, finally, open war. In a word, 
 negociation is like courtship, a time of sweet words, 
 speeches, gallant soft looks, and endearing caresses, 
 but the marriage ceremony is the signal for hostilities. 
 
 Q2 
 
228 HISTORY OF 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly belied by his Adversaries the 
 Moss Troopers and his Conduct thereupon. 
 
 IF my pains-taking reader be not somewhat per- 
 plexed, in the course of the ratiocination of my last 
 chapter, he will doubtless at one glance perceive, that 
 the great Peter, in concluding a treaty with his eastern 
 neighbours, was guilty of a lamentable error and hete- 
 rodoxy in politics. To this unlucky agreement may 
 justly be ascribed a world of little infringements alter- 
 cations, negociations, and bickerings, which afterwards 
 took place between the irreproachable Stuyvesant and 
 the evil-disposed council of Amphictyons. All these 
 did not a little disturb the constitutional serenity of 
 the good burghers of Mannahata ; but, in sooth, they 
 were so very pitiful in their nature and effects, that a 
 grave historian, who grudges the time spent in any 
 thing less than recording the fall of empires, and the 
 revolution of worlds, would think them unworthy to 
 be inscribed on his sacred page. 
 
 The reader is therefore to take it for granted, 
 though I scorn to waste in the detail that time which my 
 furrowed brow and trembling hand inform me is inva- 
 luable, that all the while the great Peter was occupied 
 in those tremendous and bloody contests that I shall 
 shortly rehearse, there was a continued series of little, 
 dirty, snivelling skirmishes, scourings, broils, and 
 maraudings made on the eastern frontiers, by the 
 moss-troopers of Connecticut. But like that mirror 
 of chivalry, 'the sage and valorous Don Quixote, I 
 leave these petty contests for some future Sancho 
 Panza of an historian, while I reserve my prowess and 
 my pen for achievements of higher dignity. 
 
 Now did the great Peter conclude, that h is labours 
 
NEW YORK. 229 
 
 had come to a close in the east, and that he had 
 nothing to do but apply himself to the internal pros- 
 perity of his beloved Manhattoes. Though a man of 
 great modesty, he could not help boasting that he had 
 vat length shut the temple of Janus ; and that, were all 
 rulers like f a certain person who should be nameless, 
 it would never be opened again. But the exultation 
 of the worthy governor was put to a speedy check ; 
 for scarce was the treaty concluded, and hardly was 
 the ink dried on the paper, before the crafty and 
 discourteous council of the league sought a new pre- 
 tence for reilluming the flames of discord. 
 
 It seems to be the nature of confederacies, repub- 
 lics, and such like powers, that want the true mascu- 
 line character, to indulge exceedingly in certain 
 feminine panics and suspicions. Like some good lady 
 of delicate and sickly virtue, who is in constant dread 
 of having her vestal purity contaminated or seduced ; 
 and who, if a" man do but take her by the hand, or 
 look her in the face, is ready to cry out, rape! and 
 ruin ! so these squeamish governments are per- 
 petually on the alarm for the virtue of the country 
 every manly measure is a violation of the constitution 
 every monarchy or other masculine government 
 around them is laying snares for their seduction ; and 
 they are for ever detecting infernal plots, by which 
 they were to be betrayed, dishonoured, and " brought 
 upon the town." 
 
 If any proof were wanting of the truth of these 
 opinions, I would instance the conduct of a certain 
 republic of our day, who, good dame, has already 
 withstood so many plots and conspiracies against her 
 virtue, and has so often come near being made " no 
 better than she should be." I would notice her con- 
 stant jealousies of poor old England, who, by her own 
 account, has been incessantly trying to sap her honour, 
 
230 HISTORY OF 
 
 though, from my soul, I never could believe the honest 
 old gentleman meant her any rudeness. Whereas, 
 on the contrary, I think I have several times caught 
 her squeezing hands, and indulging in certain amorous 
 oglings with that sad fellow Buonaparte, who all the 
 world knows to be a great despoiler of national virtue, 
 to have ruined all the empires in his neighbourhood, 
 and to have debauched every republic that came in 
 his way ; but so it is, these rakes seem always to gain 
 singular favour with the ladies. 
 
 But I crave pardon of my reader for thus wander- 
 ing, and will endeavour, in some measure, to apply 
 the foregoing remarks ; for, in the year 1651, we are 
 told that the great confederacy of the east accused the 
 immaculate Peter (the soul of honour and heart of 
 steel), that by divers gifts and promises, he had been 
 secretly endeavouring to instigate the Narrohigansett 
 (or Narraganset), Mohaque, and Pequot Indians, to 
 surprise and massacre the Yankee settlements. " For," 
 as the council slanderously observed, " the Indians 
 round about for divers hundred miles cercute, seeme 
 to have drunke deep of an intoxicating cupp, att or 
 from the Manhatoes against the English, whoe have 
 sought their good both in bodily and spirituall re- 
 spects." 
 
 History does not make mention how the great 
 council of the Amphictyons came by this precious 
 plot ; whether it were honestly bought at a fair mar- 
 ket price, or discovered by sheer good fortune. It is 
 certain, however, that they examined divers Indians, 
 who all swore to the fact, as sturdily as though they 
 had been so many Christian troopers : and to be more 
 sure of their veracity, the sage council previously 
 made every mother's son of them devoutly drunk, 
 remembering an old and trite proverb, which it is not 
 necessary for me to repeat. 
 
NEW YORK. 231 
 
 Though descended from a family which suffered 
 much injury from the losel Yankees of those times, 
 my great grandfather having had a yoke of oxen and 
 his best pacer stolen, and having received a pair of 
 black eyes and a bloody nose in one of these border 
 wars ; and my grandfather, when a very little boy 
 tending pigs, having been kidnapped and severely 
 flogged by a long-sided Connecticut schoolmaster; 
 yet I should have passed over all these wrongs with 
 forgiveness and oblivion : I could even have suffered 
 them to have broken Evert Ducking's head, to have 
 kicked the doughty Jacobus Van Curlet and his 
 ragged regiment out of doors, carried every hog into 
 captivity, and depopulated every hen-roost on the face 
 of the earth with perfect impunity ; but this wanton 
 attack upon one of the most gallant and irreproach- 
 able heroes of modern times is too much even for me 
 to digest, and has overset, with a single puff, the 
 patience of the historian and the forbearance of the 
 Dutchman. 
 
 Oh reader, it was false I swear to thee, it was 
 false ! If thou hast any respect for my word, if the 
 undeviating- character for veracity which I have endea- 
 voured to maintain throughout this work has its due 
 weight with thee, thou wilt not give thy faith to this 
 tale of slander; for I pledge my honour and my 
 immortal fame to thee, that the gallant Peter Stuy- 
 vesant was not only innocent of this foul conspiracy, 
 but would have suffered his right arm, or even his 
 wooden leg, to consume with slow and everlasting 
 flames, rather than attempt to destroy his enemies in 
 any other way than open, generous warfare. Beshrew 
 those caitiff scouts, that conspired to sully his honest 
 name by such an imputation ! 
 
 Peter Stuyvesant, though he perhaps had never 
 heard of a Knight Errant, yet had he as true a heart 
 
232 HISTORY OF 
 
 of chivalry as ever beat at the round table of King- 
 Arthur. There was a spirit of native gallantry, a 
 noble and generous hardihood diffused through his 
 rugged manners, which altogether gave unquestionable 
 tokens of an heroic mind. He was, in truth, a hero 
 of chivalry struck off by the hand of nature at a single 
 heat ; and though she had taken no further care to 
 polish and refine her workmanship, he stood forth a 
 miracle of her skill. 
 
 But not to be figurative (a fault in historic writing, 
 which I particularly eschew), the great Peter pos- 
 sessed, in an eminent degree, the seven renowned and 
 noble virtues of knighthood, which, as he had never 
 consulted authors, in the disciplining and cultivating 
 of his mind, I verily believe must have been implanted 
 in a corner of his heart by dame Nature herself 
 where they flourished among his hardy qualities, like 
 so many sweet wild flowers, shooting forth and thriv- 
 ing with redundant luxuriance among stubborn rocks. 
 Such was the mind of Peter the Headstrong, and if 
 my admiration for it has, on this occasion, transported 
 my style beyond the sober gravity which becomes the 
 laborious scribe of historic events, I can plead as an 
 apology, that, though a little, grey-headed Dutchman, 
 arrived almost at the bottom of the down-hill of life, I 
 still retain some portion of that celestial fire, which 
 sparkles in the eye of youth, when contemplating the 
 virtues and achievements of ancient worthies. Blessed, 
 thrice and nine times blessed be the good St. Nicho- 
 las that I have escaped the influence of that chilling 
 apathy, which too often freezes the sympathies of age ; 
 which, like a churlish spirit, sits at the portals of the 
 heart, repulsing every genial sentiment, and paralysing 
 every spontaneous glow of enthusiasm. 
 
 No sooner then did this scoundrel imputation on his 
 honour reach the ear of Peter Stuyvesant, than he 
 
NEW YORK. 233 
 
 proceeded in a manner which would have redounded to 
 his credit, even though he had studied for years in the 
 library of Don Quixote himself. He immediately 
 despatched his valiant trumpeter and squire, Anthony 
 Van Corlear, with orders to ride night and day, as 
 herald, to the Amphictyonic council, reproaching them 
 in terms of noble indignation, for giving ear to the 
 slanders of heathen infidels, against the character of 
 a Christian, a gentleman, and a soldier and declaring, 
 that as to the treacherous and bloody plot alleged 
 against him, whoever affirmed it to be true, lied in his 
 teeth ! to prove which, he defied the president of the 
 council and all of his compeers, or, if they pleased, their 
 puissant champion, Captain Alicxsander Partridg, that 
 mighty man of Rhodes, to meet him in a single com- 
 bat, where he would trust the vindication of his inno- 
 cence to the prowess of his arm. 
 
 This challenge being delivered with due ceremony, 
 Anthony Van Corlear sounded a trumpet of defiance 
 before the whole council, ending with a most horrific 
 and nasal twang, full in the face of Captain Partridg, 
 who almost jumped out of his skin in an extasy of 
 astonishment at the noise. This done, he mounted a 
 tall Flanders mare, which he always rode, and trotted 
 merrily towards the Manhattoes passing through 
 Hartford, and Pyquag, and Middletown, and all the 
 other border towns twanging his trumpet like a very 
 devil, so that the sweet valleys and banks of the Con- 
 necticut resounded with the warlike melody and 
 stopping occasionally to eat pumpkin pies, dance at 
 country frolics, and bundle with the beauteous lasses 
 of those parts, whom he rejoiced exceedingly with his 
 soul-stirring instrument. 
 
 But the grand council being composed of conside- 
 rate men, had no idea of running a titlting with such 
 a fiery hero as the hardy Peter on the contrary 
 
234 HISTORY OF 
 
 they sent him an answer, couched in the meekest, 
 the most mild and provoking terms ; in which they 
 assured him that his guilt was proved to their perfect 
 satisfaction, by the testimony of divers sober and 
 respectable Indians, and concluding with this truly 
 amiable paragraph. " For youre confidant denialls 
 of the Barbarous plott charged will waigh little in 
 balance against such evidence, soe that we must still 
 require and seeke due satisfaction and cecuritie ; soe 
 we rest, 
 
 Sir, 
 
 " Youres in wayes of Righteousness, &c." 
 
 I am aware that the above transaction has been 
 differently recorded by certain historians of the east, 
 and elsewhere ; who seem to have inherited the bitter 
 enmity of their ancestors to the brave Peter and 
 much good may their inheritance do them. These 
 declare, that Peter Stuyvesant requested to have the 
 charges against him inquired into, by commissioners 
 to be appointed for the purpose ; and yet that when 
 such commissioners were appointed, he refused to 
 submit to their examination. In this artful account 
 there is but the semblance of truth ; he did, indeed, 
 most gallantly offer, when that he found a deaf ear 
 was turned to his challenge, to submit his conduct to 
 the rigorous inspection of a court of honour but then 
 he expected to find it an august tribunal, composed of 
 courteous gentlemen, the governors and nobility of 
 the confederate plantations, and of the province of 
 New Netherlands ; where he might be tried by his 
 peers, in a manner worthy of his rank and dignity 
 whereas, let me perish, if they did not send to the Man- 
 hattoes two lean-sided hungry pettifoggers, mounted 
 on Narraganset pacers, with saddle-bags under their 
 bottoms, and green satchels under their arms, as 
 
NEW YORK. 235 
 
 though they were about to beat the hoof from one 
 country-court to another in search of a law-suit. 
 
 The chftvalric Peter, as might be expected, took no 
 notice of these cunning varlets ; who with professional 
 industry fell to prying and sifting about, in quest of 
 ex parte evidence; perplexing divers simple Indians 
 and old women, with their cross questioning, until 
 they had contradicted and foreswore themselves most 
 horribly, as is too often done in our courts of justice. 
 Thus having fulfilled their errand to their own satis- 
 faction, they returned to the grand council with their 
 satchels and saddle bags stuffed full of villanous 
 rumours, apocryphal stories, and outrageous calumnies 
 for all which the great Peter did not care a tobacco 
 stopper; but I warrant me, had they attempted to 
 play off the same trick upon William the Testy, he 
 would have treated them both to an aerial gambol on 
 his patent gallows. 
 
 The grand council of the east held a very solemn 
 meeting on the return of their envoys, and after they 
 had pondered a long time on the situation of affairs, 
 were upon the point of adjourning without being able 
 to agree upon any thing. At this critical moment 
 one of those meddlesome, indefatigable spirits, who 
 endeavour to establish a character for patriotism by 
 blowing the bellows of party, until the whole furnace 
 of politics is red-hot with sparks and cinders ; and 
 who have just cunning enough to know that there is 
 no time so favourable for getting on the people's backs 
 as when they are in a state of turmoil, and attending 
 to every body's business but their own. This aspiring 
 imp of faction, who was called a great politician, 
 because he had secured a seat in council by calumni- 
 ating all his opponents : he, I say, conceived this a fit 
 opportunity to strike a blow that should secure his 
 popularity among his constituents, who lived on the 
 
236 HISTORY OF 
 
 borders of Nieuw Nederlandts, and were the greatest 
 poachers in Christendom, excepting the Scotch border 
 nobles. Like a second Peter the Hermit, therefore, 
 he stood forth arid preached up a crusade against 
 Peter Stuyvesant, and his devoted city. 
 
 He made a speech which lasted six hours, according 
 to the ancient custom in these parts ; in which he 
 represented the Dutch as a race of impious heretics, 
 who neither believed in witchcraft nor the sovereign 
 virtues of horse-shoes who left their country for the 
 lucre of gain ; not like themselves for the enjoyment 
 of liberty of conscience who, in short, were a race 
 of mere cannibals and anthropophagi, inasmuch as 
 they never eat cod fish on Saturdays, devoured swine's 
 flesh without molasses, and held pumpkins in utter 
 contempt. 
 
 This speech had the desired effect ; for the council, 
 being awakened by the serjeant-at-arms, rubbed their 
 eyes, and declared that .it was just and politic to 
 declare instant war against these unchristian anti- 
 pumpkinites. But it was necessary that the people 
 at large should first be prepared for this measure, and 
 for this purpose the arguments of the orator were 
 preached from the pulpit for several Sundays subse- 
 quent, and earnestly recommended to the consideration 
 - of every good Christian, who professed, as well as 
 practised, the doctrine of meekness, charity, and the 
 forgiveness of injuries. This is the first time we hear 
 of the " Drum Ecclesiastic" beating up for political 
 recruits in our country ; and it proved of such signal 
 efficacy that it has since been called into frequent 
 service throughout our union. A cunning politician 
 is often found skulking under the clerical robe, with 
 an outside all religion and an inside all political 
 rancour. Things spiritual and things temporal are 
 strangely jumbled together, like poisons and antidotes 
 
NEW YORK. 237 
 
 on an apothecary's shelf: and instead of a devout 
 sermon, the simple church-going folk have often a 
 political pamphlet thrust down their throats, labelled 
 with a pious text from Scripture. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 How the New Amsterdammers became great in Arms, and of the 
 direful Catastrophe of a mighty Army together with Peter 
 Stuyvesant's Measures to fortify the City and how he was the 
 original Founder of the Battery. 
 
 BUT notwithstanding that the grand council, as I 
 have already shown, were amazingly discreet in their 
 proceedings respecting the New Netherlands, and 
 conducted the whole with almost as much silence and 
 mystery as does the sage British cabinet one of its 
 ill-starred secret expeditions yet did the ever watchful 
 Peter receive as full and accurate information of every 
 movement as does the court of France of all the 
 notable enterprises I have mentioned. He accordingly 
 set himself to work, to render the machinations of his 
 bitter adversaries abortive. 
 
 I know that many will censure the precipitation of 
 this stout-hearted old governor, in that he hurried 
 into the expenses of fortification, without ascertaining 
 whether they were necessary, by prudently waiting 
 until the enemy was at the door. But they should 
 recollect that Peter Stuyvesant had not the benefit of 
 an insight into the modern arcana of politics, and was 
 strangely bigotted to certain obsolete maxims of the 
 old school ; among which he firmly believed, that, to 
 render a country respected abroad, it was necessary to 
 make it formidable at home ; and that a nation should 
 place its reliance for peace and security, more upon its 
 own strength than on the justice or good- will of its 
 
238 HISTORY OF 
 
 neighbours. He proceeded, therefore, with all dili- 
 gence, to put the province and metropolis in a strong 
 posture of defence. 
 
 Among the few remnants of ingenious inventions 
 which remained from the days of William the Testy 
 were those impregnable bulwarks of public safety, 
 militia laws ; by which the inhabitants were obliged to 
 turn out twice a year, with such military equipments 
 as it pleased God : and were put under the command 
 of very valiant tailors and man-milliners, who though 
 on ordinary occasions the meekest, pippin -hearted, 
 little men in the world, were very devils at parades 
 and court martials, when they had cocked hats on 
 their heads, and swords by their sides. Under the 
 instructions of these periodical warriors, the gallant 
 train-bands made marvellous proficiency in the mystery 
 of gunpowder. They were taught to face to the right, 
 to wheel to the left, to snap off empty firelocks without 
 winking, to turn a corner without any great uproar or 
 irregularity, and to march through sun and rain from 
 one end of the town to the other without flinching : 
 until in the end they became so valorous that they 
 fired off blank cartridges, without so much as turning 
 away their heads could hear the largest field-piece 
 discharged, without stopping their ears, or falling into 
 much confusion ; and would even go through all the 
 fatigues and perils of a summer day's parade, without 
 having their ranks much thinned by desertion I 
 
 True it is, the genius of this truly pacific people 
 was so little given to war that, during the intervals 
 which occurred between field days, they generally 
 contrived to forget all the military tuition they had 
 received ; so that when they reappearred on parade, 
 they scarcely knew the butt-end of the musket from 
 the muzzle, and invariably mistook the right shoulder 
 for the left a mistake which, however, was soon 
 
NEW YORK. 239 
 
 obviated by chalking- their left arms. But whatever 
 might be their blunders and awkwardness, the saga- 
 cious Kieft declared them to be of but little importance 
 since, as he judiciously observed, one campaign 
 would be of more instruction to them than a hundred 
 parades ; for though two-thirds of them might be food 
 for powder, yet such of the other third as did not run 
 away would become most experienced veterans. 
 
 The great Stuyvesant had no particular veneration 
 for the ingenious experiments and institutions of his 
 shrewd predecessor, and, among other things, held 
 the militia system in very considerable contempt, 
 which he was often heard to call in joke for he was 
 sometimes fond of a joke Governor Kieft's broken 
 reed. As, however, the present emergency was 
 pressing, he was obliged to avail himself of such 
 means of defence as were next at hand, and accord- 
 ingly appointed a general inspection and parade of the 
 train-bands. But, oh ! Mars and Bellona, and all ye 
 other powers of war, both great and small, what a 
 turning out was here ! Here came men without 
 officers, and officers without men long fowlingpieces 
 and short blunderbusses muskets of all sorts and 
 sizes, some without bayonets, others without locks, 
 others without stocks, and many without lock, stock, 
 or barrel. Cartridge-boxes, shot-belts, powder-horns, 
 swords, hatchets, snicker-snees, crow-bars, and broom- 
 sticks, all mingled higgledy piggledy like one of 
 our continental armies at the breaking out of the 
 revolution. 
 
 This sudden transformation of a pacific community 
 into a band of warriors is, doubtless, what is meant in 
 modern days, by " putting a nation in armour," and 
 " fixing it in an attitude ;" in which armour and atti- 
 tude it makes as martial a figure, and is likely to 
 acquit itself with as much prowess, as the renowned 
 
240 HISTORY OF 
 
 Sancho Panza, when suddenly equipped to defend his 
 Island of Barataria. 
 
 The sturdy Peter eyed this ragged regiment with 
 some such rueful aspect as a man would eye the devil ; 
 but knowing, like a wise man, that all he had to do 
 was to make the best out of a bad bargain, he deter- 
 mined to give his heroes a seasoning. Having, there- 
 fore, drilled them through the manual exercise over 
 and over again, he ordered the fifes to strike up a 
 quick march, and trudged his sturdy boots backwards 
 and forwards about the streets of New Amsterdam, 
 arid the fields adjacent, until their short legs ached, 
 and their fat sides sweated again. But this was not 
 all : the martial spirit of the old governor caught fire 
 from the sprightly music of the fife, and he resolved 
 to try the mettle of his troops, and give them a taste of 
 the hardships of iron war. To this end, he encamped 
 them, as the shades of evening fell, upon a hill, for- 
 merly called Bunker's Hill, at some distance from the 
 town, with a full intention of initiating them into the 
 discipline of camps, and of renewing the next day the 
 toils and perils of the field. But so it came to pass, 
 that, in the night there fell a great and heavy rain, 
 which descended in torrents upon the camp, and the 
 mighty army strangely melted away before it ; so that 
 when Gaffer Phoebus came to shed his morning beams 
 upon the place, saving Peter Stuyvesant and his 
 trumpeter Van Corlear, scarce one was to be found 
 of all the multitude that had encamped there the night 
 before. 
 
 This awful dissolution of his army would have 
 appalled a commander of less nerve than Peter Stuy- 
 vesant, but he considered it as a matter of but small 
 importance, though he thenceforward regarded the 
 militia system with ten times greater contempt than 
 ever, and took care to provide himself with a good 
 
NEW YORK. 241 
 
 garrison of chosen men, whom he kept in pay ; of 
 whom he boasted, that they at least possessed the 
 quality, indispensable in soldiers, of being water- 
 proof. 
 
 The next care of the vigilant Stuyvesant was to 
 strengthen and fortify New Amsterdam. For this 
 purpose he caused to be built a strong picket-fence, 
 that reached across the island, from river to river, 
 being intended to protect the city, not merely from 
 the sudden invasions of foreign enemies, but likewise 
 from the incursions of the neighbouring savages *. 
 
 Some traditions, it is true, have ascribed the build- 
 ing of this wall to a later period, but they are wholly 
 incorrect ; for a memorandum in the Stuyvesant manu- 
 script, dated towards the middle of the governor's 
 reign, mentions this wall particularly, as a very strong 
 and curious piece of workmanship, and the admiration 
 of all the savages in the neighbourhood. And it men- 
 tions, moreover, the alarming circumstance of a drove 
 of stray cows breaking through the grand wall of a 
 dark night, by which the whole community of New 
 Amsterdam was thrown into a terrible panic. 
 
 In addition to this great wall, he cast up several 
 outworks to Fort Amsterdam, to protect the sea- 
 board at the point of the island. These consisted of 
 formidable mud-batteries, solidly faced, after the man- 
 
 * In an antique view of New Amsterdam, taken some years 
 after the above period, is a representation of this wall, which 
 stretched along the course of Wall Street, so called in commemo- 
 ration of this great bulwark. One gate, called the Laud-Poort, 
 opened upon Broadway, hard by where at present stands the 
 Trinity Church ; and another, called the Water-Poort, stood about 
 where the Tontine Coffeehouse is at present, opening upon Smits 
 Vleye, or, as it is commonly called, Smith Fly, then a marshy 
 valley, with a creek or inlet extending up what we call Maiden 
 Lane. 
 
 R 
 
242 HISTORY OF 
 
 ner of the Dutch ovens, common in those days, with 
 clam-shells. 
 
 These frowning bulwarks, in process of time, came 
 to be pleasantly overrun by a verdant carpet of grass 
 and clover, and their high embankments overshadowed 
 by wide-spreading sycamores, among whose foliage 
 the little birds sported about, rejoicing the ear with 
 their melodious notes. The old burghers would 
 repair of an afternoon to smoke their pipes under the 
 shade of their branches, contemplating the golden sun 
 as he gradually sunk into the west an emblem of 
 that tranquil end toward which themselves were hast- 
 ening ; while the young men and the damsels of the 
 town would take many a moonlight stroll among these 
 favourite haunts, watching the silver beams of chaste 
 Cynthia tremble al'ong the calm bosom of the bay, 
 or light up the white sail of some gliding bark, and 
 interchange the honest vows of constant affection. 
 Such was the origin of that renowned walk, The 
 Battery^ which, though ostensibly devoted to the 
 purposes of war, has ever been consecrated to the 
 sweet delights of peace the favourite walk of de- 
 clining age the healthful resort of the feeble invalid 
 the Sunday refreshment of the dusty tradesman 
 the scene of many a boyish gambol the rendezvous 
 of many a tender assignation the comfort of the 
 citizen the ornament of New York and the pride 
 of the lovely island of Mannahata, 
 
NEW YORK. 243 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 How the People of the East Country were suddenly afflicted with 
 a diabolical Evil and their judicious Measures for the Extir- 
 pation thereof. 
 
 HAVING thus provided for the temporary security 
 of New Amsterdam, and guarded it against any sudden 
 surprise, the gallant Peter took a hearty pinch of snuff, 
 and, snapping his fingers, set the great council of Am- 
 phictyons and their champion the doughty Alicxsander 
 Partridg at defiance. It is impossible to say, notwith- 
 standing, what might have been the issue of this 
 affair, had not the council been all at once involved in 
 sad perplexity, and as much dissension sown among 
 its members, as of yore was stirred up in the camp of 
 the brawling warriors of Greece. 
 
 The council of the league, as I have shown in my 
 last chapter, had already announced its hostile deter- 
 minations, and already was the mighty colony of 
 New Haven and the puissant town of Pyquag, other- 
 wise called Weathersfield famous for its onions and 
 witches and the great trading house of Hartford, 
 and all the other redoubtable border towns, in a pro- 
 digious turmoil, furbishing up their rusty fowling- 
 pieces, and shouting aloud for war; by which they 
 anticipated easy conquests and gorgeous spoils from 
 the little fat Dutch villages. But this joyous brawling 
 was soon silenced 'by the conduct of the colony of 
 Massachusetts. Struck with the gallant spirit of the 
 brave old Peter, and convinced by the chivalric frank- 
 ness and heroic warmth of his vindication, they refused 
 to believe him guilty of the infamous plot most wrong- 
 fully laid at his door. With a generosity for which I 
 would yield them immortal honour, they declared, 
 that no determination of the grand council of the 
 R 2 
 
244 HISTORY OF 
 
 league should bind the general court of Massachusetts 
 to join in an offensive war, which should appear to 
 such general court to be unjust *. 
 
 This refusal immediately involved the colony of 
 Massachusetts, and the other combined colonies, in 
 very serious difficulties and disputes ; and would no 
 doubt have produced a dissolution of the confederacy, 
 but that the council of Amphictyons, finding that they 
 could not stand alone, if mutilated by the loss of so 
 important a member as Massachusetts, were fain to 
 abandon, for the present, their hostile machinations 
 ajainst the Manhattoes. Such is the marvellous energy 
 and the puissance of those confederacies, composed 
 of a number of sturdy, self-willed, discordant parts, 
 loosely banded together by a puny general govern- 
 ment. As it was, however, the warlike towns of 
 Connecticut had no cause to deplore this disappoint- 
 ment of their martial ardour; for by my faith 
 though the combined powers of the league might have 
 been too potent, in the end, for the robustious war- 
 riors of the Manhattoes ; yet, in the interim, would 
 the lion-hearted Peter and his myrmidons have choked 
 the stomachful heroes of Pyquag with their own 
 onions, and have given the other little border-towns 
 such a scouring, that I warrant they would have had 
 no stomach to squat on the land, or invade the hen- 
 roost of a New Nederlander for a century to come. 
 
 Indeed there was more than one cause to divert 
 the attention of the good people of the east from their 
 hostile purposes ; for just about this time were they 
 horribly beleaguered and harassed by the inroads of the 
 Prince of Darkness, divers of whose liege subjects 
 they detected, lurking within their camp, all of whom 
 they incontinently roasted as so many spies and dan- 
 gerous enemies. Not to speak in parables, we are 
 
 * Haz, Col. Stat. Pap. 
 
NEW YORK. 245 
 
 informed, that at this juncture the New England 
 provinces were exceedingly troubled by multitudes of 
 losel witches, who wrought strange devices to beguile 
 and distress the multitude ; and, notwithstanding 
 numerous judicious and bloody laws had been enacted 
 against all " solem conversing or compacting with the 
 divil, by way of conjuracion or the like *," yet did the 
 dark crime of witchcraft continue to increase to an 
 alarming degree that would almost transcend belief, 
 were not the fact too well authenticated to be even 
 doubted for an instant. 
 
 What is particularly worthy of admiration is, that 
 this terrible art, which so long has baffled the painful 
 researches and abstruse studies of philosophers, astro- 
 logers, alchymists, theurgists, and other sages, was 
 chiefly confined to the most ignorant, decrepid, and 
 ugly old women in the community, who had scarcely 
 more brains than the broomsticks they rode upon. 
 Where they first acquired their infernal education 
 whether from the works of the ancient theurgists 
 the demon ology of the Egyptians the belomancy, or 
 divination by arrows, of the Scythians the spectro- 
 logy of the Germans the magic of the Persians 
 the enchantment of the Laplanders or from the 
 archives of the dark and mysterious caverns of the 
 Dom Daniel is a question pregnant with many* 
 learned and ingenious doubts ; particularly as most of 
 them were totally unversed in the occult mysteries of 
 the alphabet. 
 
 When once an alarm is sounded, the public, who 
 love dearly to be in a panic, are not long in want of 
 proofs to support it. Raise but the cry of yellow 
 fever, and immediately every headach, and indigestion, 
 and overflowing of the bile, is pronounced the terrible 
 epidemic. In like manner in the present instance, 
 * New Plymouth Record. 
 
246 HISTORY OF 
 
 whoever was troubled with a colic or lumbago was sure 
 to be bewitched, and woe to any unlucky old woman 
 that lived in his neighbourhood. Such a howling 
 abomination could not be suffered to remain long 
 unnoticed, and it accordingly soon attracted the fiery 
 indignation of the sober and reflective part of the 
 community more especially of those who, whilome, 
 had evinced so much active benevolence in the con- 
 version of quakers and anabaptists. The grand council 
 of the Amphictyons publicly set their faces against so 
 deadly and dangerous a sin, and a severe scrutiny took 
 place after those nefarious witches, who were easily 
 detected by devils' pinches, black cats, broomsticks, 
 and the circumstance of their only being able to weep 
 three tears, and those out of the left eye. 
 
 It is incredible the number of offences that were 
 detected, " for every one of which/ 7 says the pro- 
 found and reverend Cotton Mather, in that excellent- 
 work, the History of New England " we have such 
 a sufficient evidence that no reasonable man in this 
 whole country ever did question them ; and it will 
 be unreasonable to do it in any other*." 
 
 Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian, John 
 Josselyn, Gent., furnishes us with unquestionable facts 
 on this subject. " There are none," observes he, 
 " that beg in this country, but there be witches too 
 many bottle-bellied witches, and others, that produce 
 many strange apparitions, if you will believe report of 
 a shallop at sea, manned with women, and of a ship 
 and great red horse standing by the mainmast ; the 
 ship being in a small cove to the eastward vanished of 
 a sudden," &c. 
 
 The number of delinquents, however, and their 
 magical devices were not more remarkable than their 
 diabolical obstinacy. Though exhorted in the most 
 * Mather's Hist. New Eng. b. vi. ch. 7. 
 
NEW YORK. 247 
 
 s'olemn, persuasive, and affectionate manner to confess 
 themselves guilty, and be burnt for the good of reli- 
 gion and the entertainment of the public, yet did they 
 most pertinaciously persist in asserting their inno- 
 cence. Such incredible obstinacy was in itself deserv- 
 ing of immediate punishment, and was sufficient proof, 
 if proof were necessary, that they were in league with 
 the devil, who is perverseness itself. But their judges 
 were just and merciful, and were determined to punish 
 none that were not convicted on the best of testi- 
 mony ; not that they needed any evidence to satisfy 
 their own minds, for, like true and experienced judges, 
 their minds were perfectly made up, and they were 
 thoroughly satisfied of the guilt of the prisoners, 
 before they proceeded to try them ; but still some- 
 thing was necessary to convince the community at 
 large to quiet those prying quidnuncs who should 
 come after them ; in short, the world must be satisfied. 
 Oh the world, the world ! all the world know the 
 world of trouble the world is eternally occasioning ! 
 The worthy judges, therefore, were driven to the neces- 
 sity of sifting, detecting, and making evident as noon- 
 day, matters which were at the commencement all 
 clearly understood and firmly decided upon in their 
 own pericraniums ; so that it may truly be said, that 
 the witches were burned to gratify the populace of the 
 day, but were tried for the satisfaction of the whole 
 world that should come after them ! 
 
 Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, sound 
 reason, nor friendly intreaty, had any avail on these 
 hardened offenders, they resorted to the more urgent 
 arguments of the torture ; and, having thus absolutely 
 wrung the truth from their stubborn lips, they con- 
 demned them to undergo the roasting due unto the 
 heinous crimes they had confessed. Some even carried 
 their perverseness so far as to expire under the tor- 
 
248 HISTORY OF 
 
 ture, protesting their innocence to the last; but these 
 were looked upon as thoroughly and absolutely pos- 
 sessed by the devil, and the pious by-standers only 
 lamented that they had not lived a little longer to have 
 perished in the flames. 
 
 In the city of Ephesus, we are told, that the plague 
 was expelled by stoning a ragged old beggar to death, 
 whom Apollonius pointed out as being the evil spirit 
 that caused it, and who actually showed himself to be 
 a demon, by changing into a shaggy dog. In like 
 manner, and by measures equally sagacious, a salutary 
 check was given to this growing evil. The witches 
 were all burned, banished, or panic-struck, and in a 
 little while there was not an ugly old woman to be 
 found throughout New England, which is, doubtless, 
 one reason why all the young women there are so 
 handsome. Those honest folk who had suffered from 
 their incantations gradually recovered, excepting such 
 as had been afflicted with twitches and aches, which, 
 however, assumed the less alarming aspects of rheu- 
 matisms, sciaticas, and lumbagos ; and the good people 
 of New England, abandoning the study of the occult 
 sciences, turned their attention to the more profitable 
 hocus pocus of trade, and soon became expert in the 
 legerdemain art of turning a penny. Still, however, 
 a tinge of the old leaven is discernible, even unto this 
 day, in their characters ; witches occasionally start up 
 among them in different disguises, as physicians, civi- 
 lians, and divines. The people at large show a keen- 
 ness, a cleverness, and a profundity of wisdom, that 
 savour strongly of witchcraft; and it has been 
 remarked that, whenever any stones fall from the 
 moon, the greater part of them are. sure to tumble 
 into New England. 
 
NEW YORK. 249 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Which records the Rise and Renown of a valiant Commander ; 
 showing that a Man, like a Bladder, may be puffed up to Great- 
 ness and Importance hy mere Wind. 
 
 WHEN treating of those tempestuous times, the 
 unknown writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks 
 out into a vehement apostrophe, in praise of the good St. 
 Nicholas ; to whose protecting care he entirely ascribes 
 the strange dissensions that broke out in the council 
 of the Amphictyons, and the direful witchcraft that pre- 
 vailed in the east country ; whereby the hostile machi- 
 nations against the Nederlanders were for a time frus- 
 trated, and his favourite city of New Amsterdam pre- 
 served from imminent peril and deadly warfare. Dark- 
 ness and louring superstition hung over the fair valleys 
 of the east the pleasant banks of the Connecticut no 
 longer echoed with the sounds of rustic gaiety 
 direful phantoms and portentous apparitions were 
 seen in the air gliding spectrums haunted every wild 
 brook and dreary glen strange voices, made by view- 
 less forms, were heard in desert solitudes and the 
 border towns were so occupied in detecting and punish- 
 ing the knowing old women that had produced these 
 alarming appearances, that for a while the province 
 of Nieuw Nederlandts and its inhabitants were totally 
 forgotten. 
 
 The great Peter, therefore, finding that nothing 
 was to be immediately apprehended from his eastern 
 neighbours, turned himself about, with a praise-worthy 
 vigilance that ever distinguished him, to put a stop to 
 the insults of the Swedes. These freebooters, my 
 attentive reader will recollect, had begun to be very 
 troublesome towards the latter part of the reign of 
 William the Testy, having set the proclamations of 
 
250 HISTORY Of 
 
 that doughty little governor at nought, and put the 
 intrepid Jan Jansen Alpendam to a perfect nonplus ! 
 
 Peter Stuyvesant, however, as has already been 
 shown, was a governor of different habits and turn of 
 mind. Without more ado, he immediately issued 
 orders for raising a corps of troops to be stationed on 
 the southern frontier, under the command of brigadier- 
 general Jacobus Von Poifenburgh. This illustrious 
 warrior had risen to great importance during the 
 reign of Wilhelmus Kieft ; and, if histories speak true, 
 was second in command to the hapless Van Curlet, 
 when he and his ragged regiment were inhumanly 
 kicked out of Fort Good Hope by the Yankees. In 
 consequence of having been in such a " memorable 
 affair," and of having received more wounds on a cer- 
 tain honourable part, that shall be nameless, than any 
 of his comrades, he was ever after considered as a 
 hero, who had " seen some service." Certain it is, 
 he enjoyed the unlimited confidence and friendship of 
 William the Testy; who would sit for hours, and 
 listen with wonder to his gunpowder narratives of 
 surprising victories he had never gained ; and dread- 
 ful battles from which he had run away; and the 
 governor was once heard to declare, that, had he lived 
 in ancient times, he might unquestionably have claimed 
 the armour of Achilles being not merely like Ajax, 
 a mighty blustering man of battle ; but in the cabinet 
 a second Ulysses, that is to say, very valiant of speech, 
 and long-winded all which, as nobody in New Am- 
 sterdam knew aught of the ancient heroes in question, 
 passed totally uncontradicted. 
 
 It was tropically observed by honest old Socrates, 
 that heaven had infused in some men at their birth a 
 portion of intellectual gold ; into others, of intellectual 
 silver ; while others were bounteously furnished out 
 with abundance of brass and iron. Now, of this last 
 
NEW YORK. 251 
 
 class was undoubtedly the great General Von Poffen- 
 burgh, and, from the display he continually made 
 thereof, I am inclined to think that dame Nature, 
 who will sometimes be partial, had blessed him with 
 enough of those valuable materials to have fitted up 
 a dozen ordinary braziers. But what is most to be 
 admired is, that he contrived to pass off all his brass 
 and copper upon Wilhelmus Kieft, who was no great 
 judge of base coin, as pure and genuine gold. The 
 consequence was, that upon the resignation of Jacobus 
 Van Curlet, who, after the loss of Fort Goed Hoop, 
 retired like a veteran general, to live under the shade 
 of his laurels, the mighty " copper captain " was pro- 
 moted to his station. This he filled with great im- 
 portance, always styling himself " commander-in-chief 
 of the armies of the New Netherlands ;" though,' to 
 tell the truth, the armies, or rather army, consisted 
 of a handful of hen-stealing, bottle-bruising ragga- 
 muffins. 
 
 Such was the character of the warrior appointed by 
 Peter Stuyvesant to defend his southern frontier ; 
 nor may it be uninteresting to my reader to have a 
 glimpse of his person. He was not very tall, but, 
 notwithstanding, a huge full-bodied man, whose bulk 
 did not so much arise from his being fat as windy ; 
 being so completely inflated with his own importance 
 that he resembled one of those bags of wind which 
 TO!US, in an incredible fit of generosity, gave to that 
 wandering warrior Ulysses. 
 
 His dress comported with his character, for he had 
 almost as much brass and copper without, as nature 
 had stored away within. His coat was crossed and 
 slashed, and carbonadoed with stripes of copper lace, 
 and swathed round the body with a crimson sash, of 
 the size and texture of a fishing net, doubtless to 
 'keep his valiant heart from bursting through his ribs. 
 
252 HISTORY OP 
 
 His head and whiskers were profusely powdered, from 
 the midst of which his full-blooded face glowed like a 
 fiery furnace ; and his magnanimous soul seemed 
 ready to bounce out at a pair of large glassy blinking 
 eyes, which projected like those of a lobster. 
 
 I swear to thee, worthy reader, if report belie not 
 this warrior, I would give all the money in my pocket 
 to have seen him accoutred cap-a-pie, in martial array 
 booted to the middle sashed to the chin collared 
 to the ears whiskered to the teeth crowned with 
 an overshadowing cocked hat, and girded with a lea- 
 thern belt ten inches broad, from which trailed a 
 falchion, of a length that I dare not mention. Thus 
 equipped, he strutted about as bitter looking a man of 
 war as the far famed More of More Hall, when he 
 sallied fortjh, armed at all points, to slay the Dragon 
 of Wantley*. 
 
 Notwithstanding all the great endowments and 
 transcendent qualities of this renowned general, I 
 must confess he was not exactly the kind of man that 
 the gallant Peter would have chosen to command his 
 troops but the truth is, that in those days the pro- 
 vince did not abound, as at present, in great military 
 characters ; who, like so many Cincinnatuses, people 
 every little village marshalling out cabbages instead 
 of soldiers, and signalising themselves in the corn-field 
 instead of the field of battle : who have surrendered 
 the toils of war for the more useful but inglorious arts 
 
 * " Had you but seen him in this dress, 
 
 How fierce he look'd and how big; 
 You would have thought him for to be 
 Some Egyptian Porcnpig. 
 
 " He frighted all, cats, dogs, and all, 
 
 Each cow, each horse, and each hog ; 
 For fear they did flee, for they took him to be 
 
 Some strange outlandish hedge-hog." 
 
 Ballad of Drag, of Want. 
 
NEW YORK. 253 
 
 of peace ! and so blended the laurel with the olive 
 that you may have a general for a landlord, a colonel 
 for a stage-driver, and your horse shod by a valiant 
 " captain of volunteers." Neither had Peter Stuyve- 
 sant an opportunity of choosing, like modern rulers, 
 from a loyal band of editors of newspapers no men- 
 tion being made in the histories of the times of any 
 such class of mercenaries being retained in pay by 
 government, either as trumpeters, champions, or body 
 guards. The redoubtable General Von Poffenburgh, 
 therefore, was appointed to the command of the new- 
 levied troops, chiefly because there were no com- 
 petitors for the station, and partly because it would 
 have been a breach of military etiquette, to have 
 appointed a younger officer over his head an in- 
 justice which the great Peter would have rather died 
 than have committed. 
 
 No sooner did this thrice valiant copper captain 
 receive marching orders than he conducted his army 
 undauntedly to the southern frontier ; through wild 
 lands and savage deserts ; over insurmountable moun- 
 tains, across impassable floods, and through impene- 
 trable forests ; encountering more perils, according to 
 his own account, than did ever the great Xenophon 
 in his far-famed retreat with his ten thousand Grecians. 
 All this accomplished, he established on the South 
 (or Delaware) river a redoubtable redoubt, named 
 FORT CASIMIR, in honour of a favourite pair of 
 brimstone-coloured trunk breeches of the governor. 
 As this fort will be found to give .rise to very im- 
 portant and interesting events, it may be worth while 
 to notice that it was afterwards called Nieuw Amstel, 
 and was the original germ of the present flourishing 
 town of NEW CASTLE, an appellation erroneously 
 substituted for No Castle> there neither being nor 
 
254 HISTORY OF 
 
 ever having been a castle or anything of the kind 
 upon the premises. 
 
 The Swedes did not suffer tamely this menacing 
 movement of the Nederlanders ; on the contrary, Jan 
 Printz, at that time governor of New Sweden, issued 
 a protest against what he termed an encroachment 
 upon his jurisdiction. But the gallant Von Poffen- 
 burgh had become too well versed in the nature of 
 proclamations and protests, while he served under 
 William the Testy, to be in anywise daunted by such 
 paper warfare. His fortress being finished, it would 
 have done any man's heart good to behold into what 
 a magnitude he immediately swelled. He would 
 stride in and out a dozen times a day, surveying it in 
 front and in rear ; and on this side and on that. 
 Then would he dress himself in full regimentals, and 
 strut backwards and forwards, for hours together, on 
 the top of his little rampart like a vainglorious cock- 
 pigeon vapouring on the top of his coop. In a word, 
 unless my readers have noticed, with curious eye, the 
 petty commander of one of our little, snivelling, mili- 
 tary posts, swelling with all the vanity of new regi- 
 mentals, and the pomposity derived from commanding 
 a handful of tatterdemalions, I despair of giving them 
 any adequate idea of the prodigious dignity of General 
 Von Poffenburgh. 
 
 It is recorded in the delectable romance of Pierce 
 Forest, that a young knight, being dubbed by king 
 Alexander, did incontinently gallop into an adjoining 
 forest, and belaboured the trees with such might and 
 main, that the whole court was convinced that he was 
 the most potent and courageous gentleman on the face 
 of the earth. In like manner, the great Von Poffenburgh 
 would ease off that valorous spleen, which, like wind, 
 is so apt to grow unruly in the stomachs of new- 
 
NEW YORK. 255 
 
 made soldiers, impelling- them to box-lobby brawls, 
 and broken-beaded quarrels. For at such times, when 
 he found his martial spirit waxing hot within him, he 
 would prudently sally forth into the fields, and, lug- 
 ging out his trusty sabre, would lay about him most 
 lustily, decapitating cabbages by platoons ; hewing 
 down whole phalanxes of sunflowers, which he termed 
 gigantic Swedes ; and if, peradventure, he espied a 
 colony of honest big-bellied pumpkins quietly basking 
 themselves in the sun, " Ah, caitiff Yankees," would 
 he roar, " have I caught ye at last ! " so saying, with 
 one sweep of his sword, he would cleave the unhappy 
 vegetables from their chins to their waistbands : by 
 which warlike havoc his choler being in some sort 
 allayed, he would return to his garrison with a full 
 conviction that he was a very miracle of military 
 prowess. 
 
 The next ambition of General Von Poffenburgh 
 was to be thought a strict disciplinarian. Well know- 
 ing that discipline is the soul of all military enterprise, 
 he enforced it with the most rigorous precision ; 
 obliging every man to turn out his toes, and hold 
 up his head on parade ; and prescribing the breadth 
 of their ruffles to all such as had any shirts to their 
 backs. 
 
 Having one day, in the course of his devout re- 
 searches in the Bible (for the pious ./Eneas himself 
 could not exceed him in outward religion), encountered 
 the history of Absalom and his melancholy end, the 
 general, in an evil hour, issued orders for cropping 
 the hair of both officers and men throughout the gar- 
 rison. Now it came to pass, that among his officers 
 was one Kildermeester ; a sturdy veteran, who had 
 cherished, through the course of a long life, a rugged 
 mop of hair, not a little resembling the shag of a 
 Newfoundland dog ; terminating with an immoderate 
 
256 HISTORY OF 
 
 queue, like the handle of a fryingpan, and queued so 
 tightly to his head, that his eyes and mouth generally 
 stood ajar, and his eyebrows were drawn up to the top 
 of his forehead. It may naturally be supposed that 
 the possessor of so goodly an appendage would resist 
 with abhorrence an order condemning it to the shears 
 Samson himself could not have held his locks more 
 sacred and on hearing the general orders, he dis- 
 charged a tempest of veteran, soldierlike oaths and 
 dunder and blixums swore he would break any man's 
 head who attempted to meddle with his tail queued 
 it stiffer than ever, and whisked it about the garrison 
 as fiercely as the tail of a crocodile. 
 
 The eelskin queue of old Kildermeester became 
 instantly an affair of the utmost importance. The 
 commander-m-ehief was too enlightened an officer not 
 to perceive that the discipline of the garrison, the sub- 
 ordination and good order of the armies of the Nieuw 
 Nederlandts, the consequent safety of the whole pro- 
 vince, and ultimately the dignity and prosperity of 
 their High Mightinesses, the Lords States-general, 
 but, above all, the dignity of the great General Von 
 Poffenburgh all imperiously demanded the docking 
 of that stubborn queue. He therefore determined that 
 old Kildermeester should be publicly shorn of his 
 glories in presence of the whole garrison the old 
 man as resolutely stood on the defensive whereupon 
 the general as became a great man, was highly exas- 
 perated, and the offender was arrested, and tried by a 
 court-martial for mutiny, desertion, and all the other 
 list of offences noticed in the articles of war, ending 
 with a " videlicet, in wearing an eelskin queue, three 
 feet long, contrary to orders." Then came on arraign- 
 ments, and trials, and pleadings, and the whole country 
 was in a ferment about this unfortunate queue. As it 
 is well known that the commander of a distant fron. 
 
NEW YORK. 267 
 
 tier post has the power of acting pretty much after his 
 own will, there is little doubt but that the veteran 
 would have been hanged or shot at least, had he not 
 luckily fallen ill of a fever, through mere chagrin and 
 mortification and most flagitiously deserted from 
 earthly command, with his beloved locks unviolated. 
 His obstinacy remained unshaken to the very last 
 moment, when he directed that he should be carried 
 to his grave with his eelskin queue sticking out of a 
 hole in his coffin. 
 
 This magnanimous affair obtained the general great 
 credit as an excellent disciplinarian, but it is hinted 
 that he was ever after subject to bad dreams, and 
 fearful visitations in the night when the grisly spec- 
 trum of old Kildermeester would stand sentinel by 
 the bedside, erect as a pump, his enormous queue 
 strutting out like the handle. 
 
 END OF BOOK FIFTH. 
 
258 HISTORY OF 
 
 BOOK VI. 
 
 CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE 
 HEADSTRONG, AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELA- 
 WARE. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 In which is exhibited a warlike Portrait of the great Peter and 
 how General Von Poffenhurgh distinguished himself at Fort 
 Casimir. 
 
 HITHERTO, most venerable and courteous reader, 
 have I shown thee the administration of the valorous 
 Stuyvesant, under the mild moonshine of peace, or 
 rather the grim tranquillity of awful expectation ; but 
 now the war-drum rumbles from afar, the brazen 
 trumpet brays its thrilling note, and the rude clash of 
 hostile arms speaks fearful prophecies of coming 
 troubles. The gallant warrior starts from soft repose, 
 from golden visions and voluptuous ease ; where in 
 the dulcet "piping time of peace," he sought sweet 
 solace after all his toils. No more in beauty's siren 
 lap reclined, he weaves fair garlands for his lady's 
 brows ; no more entwines with flowers his shining 
 sword; nor through the livelong lazy summer's day 
 chaunts forth his lovesick soul in madrigals. To 
 manhood roused, he spurns the amorous flute ; doffs 
 from his brawny back the robe of peace, and clothes 
 his pamper' d limbs in panoply of steel. O'er his dark 
 brow, where late the myrtle waved where wanton 
 
NEW YORK. 259 
 
 roses breathed enervate love he rears the beaming 
 casque and nodding plume ; grasps the bright shield, 
 and shakes the ponderous lanjce ; or mounts with 
 eager pride his fiery steed, and burns for deeds of 
 glorious chivalry ! 
 
 But soft, worthy reader I I would not have you 
 imagine, that any preux chevalier, thus hideously 
 begirt with iron, existed in the city of New Amster- 
 dam. This is but a lofty and gigantic mode in which 
 heroic writers always talk of war, thereby to give it a 
 noble and imposing aspect ; equipping our warriors 
 with bucklers, helms, and lances, and such like out- 
 landish and obsolete weapons, the like which perchance 
 they had never seen or heard of ; in the same manner 
 that a cunning statuary arrays a modern general or 
 an admiral in the accoutrements of a Caesar or an 
 Alexander. The simple truth then of all this oratorical 
 flourish is this that the valiant Peter Stuyvesant, all 
 of a sudden, found it necessary to scour his trusty 
 blade, which too long had rusted in its scabbard, and 
 prepare himself to undergo those hardy toils of war, 
 in which his mighty soul so much delighted. 
 
 Methinks I at this moment behold him in my ima- 
 gination or rather, I behold his goodly portrait, 
 which still hangs up in the family mansion of the 
 Stuyvesants, arrayed in all the terrors of a true Dutch 
 general. His regimental coat of German blue, gor- 
 geously decorated with a goodly show of large brass 
 buttons, reaching from his waistband to his chin. The 
 voluminous skirts turned up at the corners, and sepa- 
 rating gallantly behind, so as to display the seat of a 
 sumptuous pair of brimstone coloured trunk breeches 
 a graceful style still prevalent among the warriors 
 of our day, and which is in conformity to the custom 
 of ancient heroes, who scorned to defend themselves 
 in rear. His face rendered exceeding terrible and 
 
260 HISTORY OF 
 
 warlike by a pair of black mustacbios ; his hair strutting 
 out on each side in stiffly pomatumed ear-locks, and 
 descending in a rat-tail queue below his waist ; a 
 shining stock of black leather supporting his chin, and 
 a little, but fierce cocked hat, stuck with a gallant and 
 fiery air over his left eye. Such was the chivalric port 
 of Peter the Headstrong ; and when he made a sudden 
 halt, planted himself firmly on his solid supporter, 
 with his wooden leg inlaid with silver, a little in 
 advance, in order to strengthen his position, his right 
 hand grasping a gold-headed cane, his left resting 
 upon the pummel of his sword ; his head dressing 
 spiritedly to the right, with a most appalling and hard- 
 favoured frown upon his brow he presented altogether 
 one of the most commanding, bitter-looking, and sol- 
 dier-like figures that ever strutted upon canvass. 
 Proceed we now to inquire the cause of this warlike 
 preparation. 
 
 The encroaching disposition of the Swedes, on the 
 south or Delaware river, has been duly recorded in 
 the chronicles of the reign of William the Testy* 
 These encroachments, having been endured with that 
 heroic magnanimity which is the corner stone, or, 
 according to Aristotle, the left hand neighbour of true 
 courage, had been repeated and wickedly aggravated. 
 The Swedes who were of that class of cunning 
 pretenders to Christianity, who read the Bible upside 
 down, whenever it interferes with their interests, 
 inverted the golden maxim ; and when their neighbour 
 suffered them to smite him on the one cheek, they 
 generally smote him on the other also, whether turned 
 to them or not. Their repeated aggressions had been 
 among the numerous sources of vexation that conspired 
 to keep the irritable sensibilities of Wilhelmus Kieft 
 in a constant fever ; and it was only owing to the 
 unfortunate circumstance that he had always a hundred 
 
NEW YORK. 261 
 
 things to do at once, that he did not take such unre- 
 lenting vengeance as their offences merited. But 
 they had now a chieftain of a different character to 
 deal with ; and they were soon guilty of a piece of 
 treachery, that threw his honest blood in a ferment, 
 and precluded all further sufferance. 
 
 Printz, the governor of the province of New Sweden, 
 being either deceased or removed, for of this fact some 
 uncertainty exists, was succeeded by Jan Risingh, a 
 gigantic Swede ; and who had he not been rather 
 knock-kneed and splay-footed, might have served for 
 the model of a Sampson or a Hercules. He was no 
 less rapacious than mighty, and withal as crafty as he 
 was rapacious ; so that, in fact, there is very little 
 doubt, had he lived four or five centuries before, he 
 would have been one of those wicked giants, who took 
 such a cruel pleasure in pocketing distressed damsels, 
 when gadding about the world ; and locking them up 
 in enchanted castles, without a toilet, a change of 
 linen, or any other convenience. In consequence of 
 which enormities, they fell under the high displeasure 
 of chivalry, and all true, loyal, and gallant knights were 
 instructed to attack and slay outright any miscreant 
 they might happen to find, above six feet high ; which 
 is doubtless one reason that the race of large men is 
 nearly extinct, and the generations of latter ages so 
 exceeding small. 
 
 No sooner did Governor Risingh enter upon his 
 office than he immediately cast his eyes upon the 
 important post of Fort Casimir, and formed the right- 
 eous resolution of taking it into his possession. The 
 only thing that remained to consider was the mode of 
 carrying his resolution into effect : and here I must do 
 him the justice to say, that he exhibited a humanity 
 rarely to be met with among leaders, and which I have, 
 never seen equalled in modern times, excepting among 
 
262 HISTORY OF 
 
 the English, in their glorious affair at Copenhagen. 
 Willing to spare the effusion of blood and the miseries 
 of open warfare, he benevolently shunned everything 
 like avowed hostility or regular siege, and resorted 
 to the less glorious but more merciful expedient of 
 treachery. 
 
 Under pretence, therefore, of paying a neighbourly 
 visit to General Von Poffenburgh, at his new post of 
 Fort Casimir, he made requisite preparation, sailed in 
 great state up the Delaware, displayed his flag with 
 the most ceremonious punctilio, and honoured the for- 
 tress with a royal salute, previous to dropping anchor. 
 The unusual noise awakened a veteran Dutch sen- 
 tinel, who was napping faithfully at his post, and who, 
 having suffered his match to go out, contrived to 
 return the compliment, by discharging his rusty musket 
 with the spark of a pipe, which he borrowed from one 
 of his comrades. The salute indeed would have been 
 answered by the guns of the fort, had they not unfor- 
 tunately been out of order, and the magazine deficient 
 in ammunition accidents to which forts have in all 
 ages been liable, and which were the more excusable^ 
 in the present instance, as Fort Casimir had only been 
 erected about two years, and General Von Poffen- 
 burgh, its mighty commander, had been fully occupied 
 with matters of much greater importance. 
 
 Risingh, highly satisfied with this courteous reply 
 to his salute, treated the fort to a second, for he well 
 knew its commander was marvellously delighted with 
 these little ceremonials, which he considered as so 
 many acts of homage paid unto his greatness. He 
 then landed in great state, attended by a suite of 
 thirty men a prodigious and vainglorious retinue, 
 for a petty governor of a petty settlement, in those 
 days of primitive simplicity; and to the full as great 
 an army as generally swells the pomp and marches in 
 
NEW YORK. 263 
 
 the rear of our frontier commanders at the present 
 day. 
 
 The number in fact might have awakened suspicion, 
 had not the mind of the great Von Poffenburgh been 
 so completely engrossed with an all-pervading idea of 
 himself, that he had not room to admit a thought 
 besides. In fact he considered the concourse of Ris- 
 ingh's followers as a compliment to himself so apt 
 are great men to stand between themselves and the 
 sun, and completely eclipse the truth by their own 
 shadow. 
 
 It may readily be imagined how much General Von 
 Poffenburgh was nattered by a visit from so august a 
 personage ; his only embarrassment was, how he 
 should receive him in such a manner as to appear to 
 the greatest advantage, and make the most advan- 
 tageous impression. The main guard was ordered 
 immediately to turn out, and the arms and regimentals 
 (of which the garrison possessed full half a dozen 
 suits) were equally distributed among the soldiers. 
 One tall lank fellow appeared in a coat intended for a 
 small man, the skirts of which reached a little below 
 his waist, the buttons were between his shoulders, and 
 the sleeves half way to his wrists, so that his hands 
 looked like a couple of huge spades ; and the coat not 
 being large enough to meet in front, was linked toge- 
 ther by loops, made of a pair of red worsted garters. 
 Another had an old cocked hat, stuck on the back of 
 his head, and decorated with a bunch of cock's tails 
 a third had a pair of rusty gaiters hanging about his 
 heels while a fourth, who was a short duck-legged 
 little Trojan, was equipped in a huge pair of the 
 general's cast-off breeches, which he held up with one 
 hand, while he grasped his firelock with the other. 
 The rest were accoutred in similar style, excepting 
 three graceless ragamuffins, who had no shirts, and 
 
264 HISTORY OF 
 
 but a pair and half of breeches between them, where* 
 fore they were sent to the black-hole, to keep them 
 out of view. There is nothing in which the talents of 
 a prudent commander are more completely testified 
 than in thus setting matters off to the greatest advan- 
 tage ; and it is for this reason that our frontier posts 
 at the present day (that of Niagara for example) dis- 
 play their best suit of regimentals on the back of the 
 sentinel who stands in sight of travellers. 
 
 His men being thus gallantly arrayed those who 
 lacked muskets shouldering spades and pickaxes, and 
 every man being ordered to tuck in his shirt tail and 
 pull up his brogues, General Von Poffenburgh first 
 took a sturdy draught of foaming ale, which, like the 
 magnanimous More of Morehall *, was his invariable 
 practice on all great occasions ; which done, he put 
 himself at their head, ordered the pine planks, which 
 served as a drawbridge, to be laid down, and issued 
 forth from his castle, like a mighty giant, just refreshed 
 with wine. But when the two heroes met, then began 
 a scene of warlike parade and chivalric courtesy that 
 beggars all description. Risingh, who, as I before 
 hinted, was a shrewd, cunning politician, and had 
 grown grey much before his time, in consequence of 
 his craftiness, saw at one glance the ruling passion of 
 the great Von Poffenburgh, and humoured him in all 
 his valourous fantasies. 
 
 Their detachments were accordingly drawn up in 
 front of each other ; they carried arms, and they pre- 
 sented arms ; they gave the standing salute and the 
 passing salute : they rolled their drums, they nour- 
 ished their fifes, and they waved their colours they 
 
 as soon as he rose, 
 
 To make him strong and mighty, 
 He drank, by the tale, six pots of ale, 
 And a quart of aqua vit," 
 
NEW YORK. 265 
 
 faced to the left, and they faced to the right, and they 
 faced to the right about : they wheeled forward, and 
 they wheeled backward, and they wheeled into echelon : 
 they marched and they counter-marched, by grand 
 divisions, by single divisions, and by subdivisions by 
 platoons, by sections, and by files in quick time, in 
 slow time, and in no time at all : for, having gone 
 through all the evolutions of two great armies, in- 
 cluding the eighteen manoeuvres of Dundas ; having 
 exhausted all that they could recollect or imagine of 
 military tactics, including sundry strange and irregular 
 evolutions, the like of which were never seen before or 
 since, excepting among certain of our newly raised 
 militia the two great commanders and their respec- 
 tive troops came at length to a dead halt, completely 
 exhausted by the toils of war. Never did two valiant 
 train band captains, or two buskined theatric heroes, 
 in the renowned tragedies of Pizarro, Tom Thumb, or 
 any other heroical and fighting tragedy, marshal their 
 gallows-looking, duck-legged, heavy-heeled myrmi- 
 dons, with more glory and self- ad miration. 
 
 These military compliments being finished, General 
 Von Poffenburgh escorted his illustrious visiter, with 
 great ceremony, into the fort ; attended him through- 
 out the fortifications ; showed him the horn-works, 
 crown-works, half-moons, and various other out-works ; 
 or rather the places where they ought to be erected ; 
 and where they might be erected if he pleased ; plainly 
 demonstrating that it was a place of " great capa- 
 bility," and though at present but a little redoubt, yet 
 that it evidently was a formidable fortress in embryo. 
 This survey over, he next had the whole garrison put 
 under arms, exercised and reviewed, and concluded 
 by ordering the three bridewell birds to be hauled out 
 of the black hole, brought up to the halberts, and 
 
266 HISTORY OF 
 
 soundly flogged for the amusement of his visiter, and 
 to convince him that he was a great disciplinarian. 
 
 There is no error more dangerous than for a com- 
 mander to make known the strength, or, as in the 
 present case, the weakness of his garrison ; this will 
 be exemplified before I have arrived to an end of my 
 present story, which thus carries its moral, like a 
 roasted goose his pudding, in the very middle. The 
 cunning Risingh, while he pretended to be struck 
 dumb outright with the puissance of the great Von 
 Poffenburgh, took silent note of the incompetency of 
 his garrison, of which he gave a hint to his trusty 
 followers, who tipped each other the wink, and laughed 
 most obstreperously in their sleeves. 
 
 The inspection, review, and flogging being con- 
 cluded, the party adjourned to the table ; for among 
 his other great qualities, the general was remarkably 
 addicted to huge entertainments, or rather carousals ; 
 and in one afternoon's campaign would leave more 
 dead men on the field than he ever did in the whole 
 course of his military career. Many bulletins of these 
 bloodless victories do still remain on record ; and the 
 whole province was once thrown in amaze by the 
 return of one of his campaigns ; wherein it was stated, 
 that though, like Captain Bobadil, he had only twenty 
 men to back him, yet, in the short space of six months, 
 he had conquered and utterly annihilated sixty oxen, 
 ninety hogs, one hundred sheep, ten thousand cab- 
 bages, one thousand bushels of potatoes, one hundred 
 and fifty kilderkins of small beer, two thousand seven 
 hundred and thirty-five pipes, seventy-eight pounds of 
 sugar-plums, and forty bars of iron, besides sundry 
 small meats, game, poultry, and garden stuff. An 
 achievement unparalleled since the days of Pantagruel 
 and his all-devouring army ; and which showed that 
 
NEW YORK. 267 
 
 it was only necessary to let bellipotent Von Poffen- 
 burgh and his garrison loose in an enemy's country, 
 and in a little while they would breed a famine, and 
 starve all the inhabitants. 
 
 No sooner, therefore, had the general received the 
 first intimation of the visit of Governor Risingh, than 
 he ordered a great dinner to be prepared ; and pri- 
 vately sent out a detachment of his most experienced 
 veterans to rob all the hen-roosts in the neighbour- 
 hood, and lay the pig-sties under contribution a 
 service to which they had been long inured, and which 
 they discharged with such incredible zeal and promp- 
 titude, that the garrison-table groaned under the 
 weight of their spoils. 
 
 I wish, with all my heart, my readers could see the 
 valiant Von Poffenburgh, as he presided at the head 
 of the banquet. It was a sight worth beholding : 
 there he sat, in his greatest glory, surrounded by his 
 soldiers, like that famous wine-bibber, Alexander, 
 whose thirsty virtues he did most ably imitate ; telling 
 astounding stories of his hair-breadth adventures and 
 heroic exploits, at which, though all his auditors 
 knew them to be most incontinent and outrageous 
 gasconadoes, yet did they cast up their eyes in ad- 
 miration, and utter many interjections of astonishment. 
 Nor could the general pronounce anything that bore 
 the remotest semblance to a joke but the stout Risingh 
 would strike his brawny fist upon the table, till every 
 glass rattled again, throwing himself back in his chair, 
 and uttering gigantic peals of laughter, swearing most 
 horribly it was the best joke he ever heard in his life. 
 Thus all was rout and revelry and hideous carousal 
 within Fort Casimir ; and so lustily did Von Poffen- 
 burgh ply the bottle, that in less than four short hours 
 he made himself and his whole garrison, who all 
 
268 HISTORY OF 
 
 sedulously emulated the deeds of their chieftain, dead 
 drunk, in singing songs, quaffing bumpers, and drink- 
 ing patriotic toasts, none of which but was as long as 
 a Welsh pedigree, or a plea in chancery. 
 
 No sooner did things come to this pass than the 
 crafty Risingh and his Swedes, who had cunningly 
 kept themselves sober, rose on their entertainers, tied 
 them neck and heels, and took formal possession of 
 the fort, and all its dependencies, in the name of 
 Queen Christina of Sweden ; administering, at the 
 same time, an oath of allegiance to all the Dutch 
 soldiers who could be made sober enough to swallow 
 it. Risingh then put the fortifications in order, ap- 
 pointed his discreet and vigilant friend Suen Scutz, a 
 tall, wind-dried, water-drinking Swede, to the com- 
 mand; and departed, bearing with him this truly 
 amiable garrison and their puissant commander, who, 
 when brought to himself by a sound drubbing, bore 
 no little resemblance to a " deboshed fish," or bloated 
 sea-monster, caught upon dry land. 
 
 The transportation of the garrison was done to 
 prevent the transmission of intelligence to New Am- 
 sterdam; for much as the cunning Risingh exulted 
 in his stratagem, he dreaded the vengeance of the 
 sturdy Peter Stuyvesant, whose name spread as much 
 terror in the neighbourhood as did whiiome that of 
 the unconquerable Scanderbeg among his scurvy 
 enemies the Turks. 
 
NEW YORK. 269 
 
 CHAPTER TI. 
 
 Showing how profound Secrets are often brought to Light; with 
 the Proceedings of Peter the Headstrong, when he heard of the 
 Misfortune of General Von Poffenburgh. 
 
 WHOEVER first described common fame, or rumour, 
 as belonging to the sager sex, was a very owl for 
 shrewdness. She has in truth certain feminine qua- 
 lities to an astonishing degree ; particularly that bene- 
 volent anxiety to take care of the affairs of others, 
 which keeps her continually hunting after secrets, and 
 gadding about proclaiming them. Whatever is done 
 openly, and in the face of the world, she takes but 
 transient notice of; but whenever a transaction is 
 done in a corner, and attempted to be shrouded in 
 mystery, then her goddesship is at her wit's end to 
 find it out, and takes a most mischievous and lady-like 
 pleasure in publishing it to the world. It is this 
 truly feminine propensity that induces her continually 
 to be prying into cabinets of princes, listening at the 
 keyholes of senate chambers, and peering through 
 chinks and crannies when our worthy congress are 
 sitting with closed doors, deliberating between a dozen 
 excellent modes of ruining the nation. It is this 
 which makes her so obnoxious to all wary statesmen 
 and intriguing commanders such a stumbling-block 
 to private negociations and secret expeditions, which 
 she often betrays by means and instruments which 
 never would have been thought of by any but a 
 female head. 
 
 Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort Casi- 
 mir. No doubt the cunning Risingh imagined that, 
 by securing the garrison, he should for a long time 
 prevent the history of its fate from reaching the ears 
 of the gallant Stuy vesant ; but his exploit was blown 
 
270 HISTORY OF 
 
 to the world when he least expected it, and by one of 
 the last beings he would ever have suspected of enlist- 
 ing as trumpeter to the wide-mouthed deity. 
 
 This was one Dirk Schuiler (or Skulker), a kind of 
 hanger-on to the garrison, who seemed to belong to 
 nobody, and in a manner to be self-outlawed. He was 
 one of those vagabond cosmopolites, who shark about 
 the world as if they had no right or business in it ; 
 and who infest the skirts of society, like poachers and 
 interlopers. Every garrison and country village has 
 one or more scape-goats of this kind, whose life is a 
 kind of enigma, whose existence is without motive, 
 who comes from the Lord knows where, who lives the 
 Lord knows how, and seems to be made for no other 
 earthly purpose but to keep up the ancient and honour- 
 able order of idleness. This vagrant philosopher was 
 supposed to have some Indian blood in his veins, which 
 was manifested by a certain Indian complexion and 
 cast of countenance ; but more especially by his pro- 
 pensities and habits. He was a tall, lank fellow, swift 
 of foot, and long-winded. He was generally equipped 
 in a half Indian dress, with belt, leggings, and mocca- 
 sins. His hair hung in straight gallows-locks about 
 his ears, and added not a little to his sharking de- 
 meanour. It is an old remark, that persons of Indian 
 mixture are half civilised, half savage, and half devil ; 
 a third half being expressly provided for their parti- 
 cular convenience. It is for similar reasons, and pro- 
 bably with equal truth, that the back- wood men of 
 Kentucky are styled half man, half horse, and half 
 alligator by the settlers on the Mississippi, and held 
 accordingly in great respect and abhorrence. 
 
 The above character may have presented itself to 
 the garrison as applicable to Dirk Schuiler, whom they 
 familiarly dubbed Gallows Dick. Certain it is, he 
 acknowledged allegiance to no one was an utter 
 
NEW YORK. 271 
 
 enemy to work, holding it in no manner of estima- 
 tionbut lounged about the fort, depending upon 
 chance for a subsistence, getting drunk whenever he 
 could get liquor, and stealing whatever he could lay 
 his hands on. Every day or two he was sure to get 
 a sound rib-roasting for some of his misdemeanors, 
 which, however, as it broke no bones, he made very 
 light of, and scrupled not to repeat the offence when- 
 ever another opportunity presented. Sometimes, in 
 consequence of some flagrant villany, he would abscond 
 from the garrison, and be absent for a month at a 
 time ; skulking about the woods and swamps, with a 
 long fowling-piece on his shoulder, lying in ambush 
 for game, or squatting himself down on the edge of a 
 pond catching fish for hours together, and bearing no 
 little resemblance to that notable bird ycleped the 
 Mud-poke. When he thought his crimes had been 
 forgotten or forgiven, he would sneak back to the fort 
 with a bundle of skins, or a bunch of poultry, which 
 perchance he had stolen, and would exchange them for 
 liquor, with which, having well soaked his carcass, he 
 would lay in the sun and enjoy all the luxurious indo- 
 lence of that swinish philosopher Diogenes. He was 
 the terror of all the farm-yards in the country, into 
 which he made fearful inroads ; and sometimes he 
 would make his sudden appearance at the garrison at 
 daybreak, with the whole neighbourhood at his heels, 
 like a scoundrel thief of a fox, detected in his 
 maraudings, and hunted to his hole. Such was this 
 Dirk Schuiler ; and from the total indifference he 
 showed to the world or its concerns, and from his 
 truly Indian stoicism and taciturnity, no one would 
 ever have dreamed that he would have been the 
 publisher of the treachery of Risingh. 
 
 When the carousal was going on, which proved so 
 fatal to the brave Von Poffenburgh and his watchful 
 
272 HISTORY OF 
 
 garrison, Dirk skulked about from room to room, 
 being a kind of privileged vagrant or useless hound, 
 whom nobody noticed. But though a fellow of few 
 words, yet, like your taciturn people, his eyes and ears 
 were always open, and in the course of his prowlings 
 he overheard the whole plot of the Swedes. Dirk 
 immediately settled in his own mind how he should 
 turn the matter to his own advantage. He played the 
 perfect jack-of-both-sides ; that is to say, he made a 
 prize of every thing that came in his reach, robbed 
 both parties, stuck the copper-bound cocked hat of the 
 puissant Van PofFenburgh on his head, whipped a huge 
 pair of Risingh's jackboots under his arm, and took to 
 his heels just before the catastrophe and confusion at 
 the garrison. 
 
 Finding himself completely dislodged from his haunt 
 in this quarter, he directed his flight towards his native 
 place, New Amsterdam, from whence he had formerly 
 been obliged to abscond precipitately, in consequence 
 of misfortune in business, that is to say, having been 
 detected in the act of sheep-stealing* After wander- 
 ing many days in the woods, toiling through swamps, 
 fording brooks, swimming various rivers, and encoun- 
 tering a world of hardships, that would have killed any 
 other being but an Indian, a back-wood man, or the 
 devil, he at length arrived, half-famished, and lank as 
 a starved weasel, at Communipaw, where he stole a 
 canoe, and paddled over to New Amsterdam. Imme- 
 diately on landing, he repaired to Governor Stuy- 
 vesant, and in more words than he had ever spoken 
 before in the whole course of his life, gave an account 
 of the disastrous affair. 
 
 On receiving these direful tidings, the valiant Peter 
 started from his seat, as did the stout King Arthur 
 when at " merry Carleile," the news was brought 
 him of the uncourteous misdeeds of the " grim 
 
NEW YORK. 273 
 
 barone" without uttering a word, he dashed the pipe 
 he was smoking against the back of the chimney, 
 thrust a prodigious quid of negro-head tobacco into 
 his left cheek, pulled up his galligaskins, and strode up 
 and down the room, humming, as was customary with 
 him when in a passion, a hideous north-west ditty. 
 But, as I have before shown, he was not a man to vent 
 his spleen in idle vapouring. His first measure after 
 the paroxysm of wrath had subsided, was to stump up 
 stairs to a huge wooden chest, which served as his 
 armoury, from whence he drew forth that identical 
 suit of regimentals described in the preceding chapter. 
 In these portentous habiliments he arrayed himself, 
 like Achilles in the armour of Vulcan, maintaining 
 all the while a most appalling silence, knitting his 
 brows, and drawing his breath through his clinched 
 teeth. Being hastily equipped, he strode down into the 
 parlour, jerked down his trusty sword from over the 
 fireplace, where it was usually suspended ; but before 
 he girded it on his thigh he drew it from its scabbard, 
 and as his eye coursed along the rusty blade, a grim 
 smile stole over his iron visage. It was the first 
 smile that had visited his countenance for five long 
 weeks ; but every one who beheld it prophesied that 
 there would soon be warm work in the province ! 
 
 Thus armed at all points, with grisly war depicted 
 in each feature, his very cocked hat assuming an air 
 of uncommon defiance, he instantly put himself on the 
 alert, and despatched Anthony Van Corlear hither 
 and thither, this way and that way, through all the 
 muddy streets and crooked lanes of the city, summon- 
 ing by sound of trumpet his trusty peers to assemble 
 in instant council.- This done, by way of expediting 
 matters, according to the custom of people in a hurry, 
 he kept in continual bustle, shifting from chair to 
 chair, popped his head out of every window, and 
 T 
 
274 HISTORY OF 
 
 stumping up and down stairs with his wooden leg in 
 such brisk and incessant motion, that, as we are 
 informed by an authentic historian of the times, the 
 continual clatter bore no small resemblance to the 
 music of a cooper hooping a flour barrel. 
 
 A summons so peremptory, and from a man of the 
 governor's mettle, was not to be trifled with ; the 
 sages forthwith repaired to the council chamber, where 
 the gallant Stuyvesant entered in martial style, and 
 took his chair, like another Charlemagne, among his 
 Paladins. The councillors seated themselves with 
 the utmost tranquillity, and lighting their long pipes, 
 gazed with unruffled composure on his excellency and 
 his regimentals ; being, as all councillors should be, 
 not easily flustered, or taken by surprise. The 
 governor looking around for a moment with a lofty 
 and soldierlike air, and resting one hand on the 
 pummel of his sword, and flinging the other forth, in 
 a free and spirited manner, addressed them in a short 
 but soul-stirring harangue. 
 
 I am extremely sorry that I have not the advantages 
 of Livy, Thucydides, Plutarch, and others of my pre- 
 decessors, who were furnished, as I am told, with the 
 speeches of all their great emperors, generals, and 
 orators, taken down in short hand, by the most accu- 
 rate stenographers of the time ; whereby they were 
 enabled wonderfully to enrich their histories, and 
 delight their readers with sublime strains of eloquence. 
 Not having such important auxiliaries, I cannot possibly 
 pronounce what was the tenor of Governor Stuy vesant's 
 speech. Whether he with maiden coyness hinted to 
 to his hearers, that " there was a speck of war in the 
 horizon ;" that it would be necessary to resort to the 
 " unprofitable trial of which could do each other the 
 most harm," or any other delicate construction of 
 language, whereby the odious subject of war is handled 
 
NEW YORK. 275 
 
 so fastidiously by modern statesmen ; as a gentleman 
 volunteer handles his filthy saltpetre weapons with 
 gloves, lest he should soil his dainty fingers. 
 
 I am bold, however to say, from the tenor of Peter 
 Stuyvesant's character, that he did not wrap his 
 rugged subject in silks and ermines,, and other sickly 
 trickeries of phrase ; but spoke forth, like a man of 
 nerve and vigour, who scorned to shrink in words 
 from those dangers which he stood ready to encounter 
 in very deed. This much is certain, that he concluded 
 by announcing his determination of leading on his 
 troops in person, and routing these costardmonger 
 Swedes from their usurped quarters at Fort Casimir. 
 To this hardy resolution, such of his council as were 
 awake gave their usual signal of concurrence, and as 
 to the rest, who had fallen asleep about the middle of 
 the harangue (their " usual custom in the afternoon") 
 they made not the least objection. 
 
 And now was seen in the fair city of New Amster- 
 dam a prodigious bustle and preparation for iron war. 
 Recruiting parties marched hither and thither, calling 
 lustily upon all the scrubs, the runagates, and tatter- 
 demalions of the Manhattoes and its vicinity, who had 
 any ambition of sixpence a day, and immortal fame 
 into the bargain, to enlist in the cause of glory. For 
 I would have you note, that your warlike heroes who 
 trudge in the rear of conquerors, are generally of 
 that illustrious class of gentlemen who are equal 
 candidates for the army or the bridewell the halberts 
 or the whipping-post: for whom dame fortune has 
 cast an even die, whether they shall make their exit 
 by the sword or the halter ; and whose deaths, shall, 
 at all events, be a lofty example to their countrymen. 
 
 But notwithstanding all this martial rout and invi- 
 tation, the ranks of honour were but scantily supplied ; 
 so averse were the peaceful burghers of New Amster- 
 
'276 HISTORY OF 
 
 dam from enlisting in foreign broils, or stirring beyond 
 that home which rounded all their earthly ideas. 
 Upon beholding this, the great Peter, whose noble 
 heart was all on fire with war and sweet revenge, 
 determined to wait no longer for the tardy assistance 
 of these oily citizens, but to muster up his merry 
 men of the Hudson ; who, brought up among woods 
 and wilds and savage beasts, Tike our yeomen of 
 Kentucky, delighted in nothing so much as desperate 
 adventures and perilous expeditions through the wil- 
 derness. Thus resolving, he ordered his trusty squire. 
 Anthony Van Corlear, to have his state galley pre- 
 pared and duly victualled ; which being performed, he 
 attended public service at the great church of St. 
 Nicholas, like a true and pious governor, and then 
 leaving peremptory orders with his council to have 
 the chivalry of the Manhattoes marshalled out and 
 appointed against his return, departed upon his 
 recruiting voyage up the waters of the Hudson. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Containing Peter Stuyvesant's Voyage up the Hudson, and the 
 Wonders and Delights of that renowned River. 
 
 Now did the soft breezes of the south steal sweetly 
 over the beauteous face of nature, tempering the 
 panting heats of summer into genial and prolific 
 warmth : when that miracle of hardihood and chivalric 
 virtue, the dauntless Peter Stuyvesant, spread his 
 canvass to the wind, and departed from the fair island 
 of Mannahata. The galley in which he embarked 
 was sumptuously adorned with pendants and streamers 
 of gorgeous dyes, which fluttered gaily in the wind, or 
 drooped their ends in the bosom of the stream. The 
 
NEW YORK. 277 
 
 bow and poop of this majestic vessel were gallantly 
 bedight, after the rarest Dutch fashion, with figures 
 of little pursy cupids with periwigs on their heads, 
 and bearing in their hands garlands of flowers, the 
 like of which are not to be found in any book of 
 botany ; being the matchless flowers which flourished 
 in the golden age, and exist no longer, unless it be in 
 the imaginations of ingenious carvers of wood and 
 discolourers of canvass. 
 
 Thus rarely decorated, in style befitting the state of 
 the puissant potentate of the Manhattoes, did the 
 galley of Peter Stuyvesant launch forth upon the 
 bosom of the lordly Hudson ; which, as it rolled its 
 broad waves to the ocean, seemed to pause for a 
 while and swell with pride, as if conscious of the illus- 
 trious burthen it sustained, 
 
 But trust me, gentlefolk, far other was the scene 
 presented to the contemplation of the crew, from that 
 which may be witnessed at this degenerate day. 
 
 Wildness and savage majesty reigned on the borders 
 of this mighty river the hand of cultivation had not 
 as yet laid low the dark forests, and tamed the features 
 of the landscape; nor had the frequent sail of commerce 
 yet broken in upon the profound and awful solitude of 
 ages. Here and there might be seen a rude wigwam 
 perched among the cliffs of the mountains, with its 
 curling column of smoke mounting in the transparent 
 atmosphere : but so loftily situated, that the whoopings 
 of the savage children, gambolling on the margin of 
 the dizzy heights, fell almost as faintly on the ear, as 
 do the notes of the lark, when lost in the azure vault 
 of heaven. Now and then from the beetling brow of 
 some rocky precipice, the wild deer would look timidly 
 down upon the splendid pageant as it passed below ; 
 and then, tossing his branching antlers in the air, 
 would bound away into the thickest of the forest. 
 
278 HISTORY OF 
 
 Through such scenes did the stately vessel of Peter 
 Stuyvesant pass. Now did they skirt the bases of 
 the rocky heights of Jersey, which spring up like 
 everlasting walls, reaching from the waves unto the 
 heavens ; and were fashioned, if tradition may be 
 believed, in times long past, by the mighty spirit 
 Manetho, to protect his favourite abodes from the 
 unhallowed eyes of mortals. Now did they career it 
 gaily across the vast expanse of Tappan Bay, whose 
 wide extended shores present a vast variety of delect- 
 able scenery here the bold promontory, crowned 
 with embowering trees, advancing into the bay 
 there the long woodland slope, sweeping up from th*? 
 shore in rich luxuriance, and terminating in the upland 
 precipice while at a distance a long waving line of 
 rocky heights threw their gigantic shades across the 
 water. Now would they pass where some modest 
 little interval, opening among these stupendous scenes, 
 yet retreating as it were for protection into the 
 embraces of the neighbouring mountains, displayed a 
 rural paradise, fraught with sweet and pastoral beauties ; 
 the velvet tufted lawn, the bushy copse, the tinkling 
 rivulet, stealing through the fresh and vivid verdure, 
 on whose banks was situated some little Indian village, 
 or peradventure the rude cabin of some solitary 
 hunter. 
 
 The different periods of the revolving day seemed 
 each, with cunning magic, to diffuse a different charm 
 over the scene. Now would the jovial sun break 
 gloriously from the east, blazing from the summits of 
 the eastern hills, and sparkling the landscape with a 
 thousand dewy gems ; while along the borders of the 
 river were seen heavy masses of mist, which, like 
 midnight caitiffs, disturbed at his approach, made a 
 sluggish retreat, rolling in sullen reluctance, up the 
 mountains. At such times all was brightness, and 
 
NEW YORK. 279 
 
 life, and gaiety ; the atmosphere seemed of an inde- 
 scribable pureness and transparency the birds broke 
 forth in wanton madrigals, and the freshening breezes 
 wafted the vessel merrily on her course. But when 
 the sun sunk amid a flood of glory in the west, man- 
 tling the heavens and the earth with a thousand 
 gorgeous dyes ; then all was calm> and silent, and 
 magnificent. The late swelling sail hung lifelessly 
 against the mast the simple seaman, with folded 
 arms, leaned against the shrouds, lost in that involun- 
 tary musing which the sober grandeur of nature com- 
 mands in the rudest of her children. The vast bosom 
 of the Hudson was like an unruffled mirror, reflect- 
 ing the golden splendour of the heavens, excepting 
 that now and then a bark canoe would steal across its 
 surface, filled with painted savages, whose gay feathers 
 glared brightly, as perchance a lingering ray of the 
 setting sun gleamed upon them from the western 
 mountains. 
 
 But when the hour of twilight spread its magic mists 
 around, then did the face of nature assume a thousand 
 fugitive charms, which to the worthy heart that seeks 
 enjoyment in the glorious works of its Maker, nre 
 inexpressibly captivating. The mellow dubious light 
 that prevailed, just served to tinge with illusive 
 colours the softened features of the scenery. The 
 deceived, but delighted eye, sought vainly to discern 
 in the broad masses of shade the separating line be- 
 tween the land and water ; or to distinguish the 
 fading objects that seemed sinking into chaos. Now 
 did the busy fancy supply the feebleness of vision, 
 producing, with industrious craft, a fairy creation of 
 her own. Under her plastic wand the barren rocks 
 frowned upon the watery waste, in the semblance of 
 lofty towers and high embattled castles trees assumed 
 the direful forms of mighty giants, and the inacces- 
 
280 HISTORY OF 
 
 sible summits of the mountains seemed peopled with 
 a thousand shadowy beings. 
 
 Now broke forth from the shores the notes of an 
 innumerable variety of insects, who filled the air with 
 a strange, but not inharmonious concert ; while ever 
 and anon was heard the melancholy plaint of the 
 Whip-poor-will, who, perched on some lone tree, 
 wearied the ear of night with his incessant meanings. 
 The mind, soothed into a hallowed melancholy by the 
 solemn mystery of the scene, listened with pensive 
 stillness to catch and distinguish each sound that 
 vaguely echoed from the shore now and then startled 
 perchance by the whoop of some straggling savage, or 
 the dreary howl of some caitiff wolf, stealing forth 
 upon his nightly prowlings. 
 
 Thus happily did they pursue their course, until 
 they entered upon those awful defiles, denominated 
 THE HIGHLANDS, where, it would seem, that the 
 gigantic Titans had erst waged their impious war with 
 heaven, piling up cliffs on cliffs, and hurling vast 
 masses of rock in wild confusion. But, in sooth, very 
 different is the history of these cloud-capt mountains. 
 These, in ancient days, before the Hudson poured 
 his waters from the lakes, formed one vast prison, 
 within whose rocky bosom the omnipotent Manetho 
 confined the rebellious spirits who repined at his con- 
 troul. Here, bound in adamantine chains, or jammed 
 in rifted pines, or crushed by ponderous rocks, they 
 groaned for many an age. At length, the conquering 
 Hudson, in his irresistible career towards the ocean, 
 burst open their prison house, rolling his tide triumph- 
 antly through its stupendous ruins. 
 
 Still, however, do many of them lurk about their 
 old abodes ; and these it is, according to venerable 
 legends, that cause the echoes which resound through- 
 out these awful solitudes, which are nothing but their 
 
NEW YORtf. 281 
 
 angry clamours when any noise disturbs the pro- 
 foundness of their repose. For when the elements 
 are agitated by tempest, when the winds are up and 
 the thunder rolls, then horrible is the yelling and 
 howling of these troubled spirits, making the moun- 
 tains to rebellow with their hideous uproar ; for, at 
 such times, it is said, that they think the great 
 Manetho is returning once more to plunge them in 
 gloomy caverns, and renew their intolerable captivity. 
 
 But all these fair and glorious scenes were lost 
 upon the gallant Stuy vesant ; nought occupied his 
 mind but thoughts of iron war, and proud anticipa- 
 tions of hardy deeds of arms. Neither did his honest 
 crew trouble their ^vacant heads with any romantic 
 speculations of the kind. The pilot at the helm 
 quietly smoked his pipe, thinking of nothing either 
 past, present, or to come those of his comrades who 
 were not industriously snoring under the hatches, 
 were listening with open mouths to Anthony Van 
 Corlear ; who, seated on the windlass, was relating to 
 them the marvellous history of those myriads of fire- 
 flies, that sparkled like gems and spangles upon the 
 dusky robe of night. These, according to tradition, 
 were originally a race of pestilent sempiternous bel- 
 dames, who peopled these parts long before the 
 memory of man ; being of that abominated race em- 
 phatically called brimstones : and who, for their innu- 
 merable sins against the children of men, and to 
 furnish an awful warning to the beauteous sex, were 
 doomed to infest the earth in the shape of these 
 threatening and terrible little bugs ; enduring the 
 internal torments of that fire which they formerly 
 carried in their hearts, and breathed forth in their 
 words ; but now are sentenced to bear about for ever 
 in their tails ! 
 
 And now I am going to tell a fact, which 1 doubt 
 
282 HISTORY OF 
 
 much my readers will hesitate to believe ; but, if they 
 do, they are welcome not to believe a word in this 
 whole history, for nothing which it contains is more true. 
 It must be known, then, that the nose of St. Anthony 
 the trumpeter, was of a very lusty size, strutting 
 boldly from his countenance, like a mountain of Gol- 
 conda : being sumptuously bedecked with rubies and 
 other precious stones the true regalia of a king of 
 good fellows, which jolly Bacchus grants to all who 
 bouse it heartily at the flagon. Now thus it hap- 
 pened, that bright and early in the morning, the good 
 Anthony having washed his burly visage, was leaning 
 over the quarter railing of the galley, contemplating 
 it in the glassy wave below. Just at this moment 
 the illustrious sun, breaking in all his splendour from 
 behind one of the high bluffs of the Highlands, did 
 dart one of his most potent beams upon the refulgent 
 nose of the sounder of brass the reflection of which 
 shot straightway down, hissing hot, into the water, 
 and killed a mighty sturgeon that was sporting beside 
 the vessel ! This huge monster being with infinite 
 labour hoisted on board, furnished a luxurious repast 
 to all the crew, being accounted of excellent flavour, 
 excepting about the wound, where it smacked a little 
 of brimstone ; and this, on my veracity, was the first 
 time that ever sturgeon was eaten in these parts by 
 Christian people *. 
 
 When this astonishing miracle came 'to be made 
 known to Peter Stuyvesant, and that he tasted of the 
 unknown fish, he, as may well be supposed, mar- 
 velled exceedingly ; and as a monument thereof, he 
 
 * The learned Hans Megapolensis, treating of the country about 
 Albany, in a letter which was written some time after the settle- 
 ment thereof, says, " There is in the river great plenty of Sturgeon, 
 which we Christians do not make use of; but the Indians eate 
 them greedilie." 
 
NEW YORK. 283 
 
 gave the name of Anthony's Nose to a stout promon- 
 tory in the neighbourhood and it has continued to 
 be called Anthony's Nose ever since that time. 
 
 But hold- Whither am I wandering? -By the 
 Mass, if I attempt to accompany the good Peter Stuy- 
 vesant on this voyage, I shall never make an end, for 
 never was there a voyage so fraught with marvellous 
 incidents, nor a river so abounding with transcendent 
 beauties, worthy of being severally recorded. Even 
 now I have it on the point of my pen to relate, how 
 his crew were most horribly frightened, on going on 
 shore above the Highlands, by a gang of merry roist- 
 ering devils, frisking and curvetting on a huge flat 
 rock; which projected into the river and which is 
 called the DuyveVs Dans-Kamer to this very day. 
 But no ! Diedrich Knickerbocker it becomes thee 
 not to idle thus in thy historic wayfaring. 
 
 Recollect that while dwelling with the fond gar- 
 rulity of age over these fairy scenes, endeared to thee 
 by the recollections of thy youth, and the charms of a 
 thousand legendary tales which beguiled the simple 
 ear of thy childhood; recollect that thou art trifling 
 with those fleeting moments which should be devoted 
 to loftier themes. Is not time relentless time I 
 shaking, with palsied hand, his almost exhausted hour 
 glass before thee ? hasten then to pursue thy weary 
 task, lest the last sands be run ere thou hast finished 
 thy history of the Manhattoes. 
 
 Let us then commit the dauntless Peter, his brave 
 galley, and his loyal crew, to the protection of the 
 blessed St. Nicholas ; who I have no doubt will prosper 
 him in his voyage, while we await his return at the 
 great city of New Amsterdam. 
 
284 HISTORY OF 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Describing the powerful Army that assembled at the City of New 
 Amsterdam together with the Interview between Peter the 
 Headstrong and General Von Poffenburgh ; and Peter's Senti- 
 ments touching unfortunate great Men. 
 
 WHILE thus the enterprising Peter was coasting, 
 with flowing sail, up the shores of the lordly Hudson, 
 and arousing all the phlegmatic little Dutch settle- 
 ments upon its borders, a great and puissant concourse 
 of warriors was assembling at the city of New Am- 
 sterdam. And here that invaluable fragment of 
 antiquity, the Stuyvesant manuscript, is more than 
 commonly particular ; by which means I am enabled 
 to record the illustrious host that encamped itself in 
 the public square, in front of the fort, at present 
 denominated the Bowling Green. 
 
 In the centre then was pitched the tent of the men 
 of battle of the Manhattoes ; who, being the inmates 
 of the metropolis, composed the life-guards of the 
 governor. These were commanded by the valiant 
 Stoffel Brinkerhoof, who whilome had acquired such 
 immortal fame at Oyster Bay they displayed as a 
 standard, a beaver rampant on a field of orange; 
 being the arms of the province, and denoting the per- 
 severing industry, and the amphibious origin of the 
 Nederlanders *. 
 
 On their right hand might be seen the vassals of 
 that renowned Mynheer Michael Pawt, who lorded 
 
 * This was likewise the great seal of the New Netherlands, as 
 may still be seen in ancient records. 
 
 f Besides what is related in the Stuyvesant MS. I have found 
 mention made of this illustrious Patroon in another manuscript, 
 which says : " De Heer (or the Squire) Michael Paw, a Dutch 
 subject, about 10th Aug. 1630, by deed purchased Staten Island. 
 N.B. The same Michael Paw had what the Dutch called a colonie 
 at Pavonia, oil the Jersey shore t opposite New York, arid his over- 
 
NEW YORK. 285 
 
 it over the fair regions of ancient Pavonia, and the 
 lands away south, even unto the Navesink moun- 
 tains *, and was moreover patroon of Gibbet Island. 
 His standard was borne by his trusty squire, Corne- 
 lius Van Vorst ; consisting of a huge oyster recumbent 
 upon a sea green field ; being the armorial bearings of 
 his favourite metropolis, Communipaw. He brought 
 to the camp a stout force of warriors, heavily armed, 
 being each clad in ten pair of linsey-woolsey breeches, 
 and overshadowed by broad-brimmed beavers, with 
 short pipes twisted in their hatbands. These were 
 the men who vegetated in the mud along the shores 
 of Pavonia ; being of the race of genuine copperheads, 
 and were fabled to have sprung from oysters. 
 
 At a little distance was encamped the tribe of war- 
 riors who came from the neighbourhood of Hell-Gate. 
 These were commanded by the Suy Dams, and the 
 Van Dams, incontinent hard swearers, as their names 
 betoken they were terrible looking fellows, clad in 
 broad-skirted gaberdines, of that curious coloured 
 cloth called thunder and lightning ; and bore as a 
 standard three Devil's -darning-needles, volant, in a 
 flame-coloured field. 
 
 Hard by was the tent of the men of battle from the 
 marshy borders of the Wael-bogtig t, and the country 
 thereabouts these were of a sour aspect, by reason 
 that they lived on crabs, which abound in these parts : 
 they were the first institutors of that honourable order 
 
 seer, in 1636, was named Corns. Van Vorst a person of the same 
 name, in 1769, owned Pawles Hook, and a large farm at Pavonia, 
 and is a lineal descendant from Van Vorst." 
 
 * So called from the Navesink tribe of Indians that inhabited 
 these parts at present they are erroneously denominated the 
 Neversink, or Neversunk mountains. 
 
 j* i. e. The Winding Bay, named from the winding of its 
 shores. This has since been corrupted by the vulgar into the 
 Wallabout, and is the basin which shelters our infant navy. 
 
HISTORY OF 
 
 of knighthood, called Fly market shirks ; and if tra- 
 dition speak true, did likewise introduce the far-famed 
 step in dancing, called " double trouble." They were 
 commanded by the fearless Jacobus Varra Vanger, 
 and had, moreover, a jolly band of Breukelen * ferry- 
 men, who performed a brave concerto on conchshells. 
 
 But I refrain from pursuing this minute description, 
 which goes on to describe the warriors of Bloemen- 
 dael, and Wee-hawk, and Hoboken, and sundry other 
 places, well known in history and song for now does 
 the sound of martial music alarm the people of New 
 Amsterdam, sounding afar from beyond the walls of 
 the city. But this alarm was in a little time relieved, 
 for lo, from the midst of a vast cloud of dust, they re- 
 cognised the brimstone-coloured breeches, and splendid 
 silver leg of Peter Stuy vesant, glaring in the sunbeams ; 
 and beheld him approaching at the head of a for- 
 midable army, which he had mustered along the banks 
 of the Hudson. And here the excellent but anony- 
 mous writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out 
 into a brave and glorious description of the forces, as 
 they denied through the principal gate of the city that 
 stood by the head of Wall Street. 
 
 First of all came the Van Bummels, who inhabit 
 the pleasant borders of the Bronx. These were short 
 fat men, wearing exceeding large trunk breeches, and 
 are renowned for feats of the trencher : they were 
 the first inventors of suppawn or mush and milk. 
 Close in their rear marched the Van Vlotens, of 
 Kaats Kill, most horrible quaffers of new cider, and 
 arrant braggarts in their liquor. After them came 
 the Van Pelts of Groodt Esopus, dexterous horsemen, 
 mounted upon goodly switch-tailed steeds of the 
 Esopus breed : these were mighty hunters of minks 
 and musk rats, whence came the word Peltry, Then 
 * Now spelt Brooklyn. 
 
NEW YORK. 287 
 
 the Van Nests of Kinderhoeck, valiant robbers of 
 birds' nests, as their name denotes : to these, if report 
 may be believed, are we indebted for the invention of 
 slapjacks, or buckwheat cakes. Then the Van Hig- 
 ginbottoms, of Wapping's Creek : these came armed 
 with ferules and birchen rods, being a race of school- 
 masters, who first discovered the marvellous sympathy 
 between the seat of honour and the seat of intellect, 
 and that the shortest way to get knowledge into the 
 head was to hammer it into the bottom. Then the 
 Van Grolls, of Anthony's Nose, who carried their 
 liquor in fair round little pottles, by reason they could 
 riot bouse it out of their canteens, having such rare 
 long noses. Then the Gardeniers, of Hudson and 
 thereabouts, distinguished by many triumphant feats, 
 such as robbing watermelon patches, smoking rabbits 
 out of their holes, and the like, and by being great 
 lovers of roasted pigs' tails : these were the ancestors 
 of the renowne'd congressman of that name. Then 
 the Van Hoesens, of Sing-Sing, great choristers and 
 players upon the Jew's-harp : these marched two and 
 two, singing the great song of St. Nicholas. Then 
 the Couenhoveris, of Sleepy Hollow : these gave birth 
 to a jolly race of publicans, who first discovered the 
 magic artifice of conjuring a quart of wine into a 
 pint bottle. Then the Van Kortlands, who lived on 
 the wild banks of the Croton, and were great killers 
 of wild ducks, being much spoken of for their skill in 
 shooting with the long bow. Then the Van Bun- 
 schotens, of Nyack and Kakiat, who were the first 
 that did ever kick with the left foot : they were 
 gallant bush-whackers, and hunters of racoons by 
 moonlight, Then the Van Winkles, of Haerlem, 
 potent suckers of eggs, and *noted for running of 
 horses, and running up of scores at taverns : they 
 were the first that ever winked with both eyes at 
 
288 HISTORY OP 
 
 once. Lastly, came the KNICKERBOCKERS, of the 
 great town of Schahtikoke, where the folk lay stones 
 upon the houses in windy weather, lest they should 
 be blown away. These derive their name, as some 
 say, from Knicker, to shake, and BeJcer, a goblet, 
 indicating thereby that they were sturdy tosspots of 
 yore ; but, in truth, it was derived from Knicker, to 
 nod, and Boeken, books, plainly meaning that they 
 were great nodders or dozers over books : from them 
 did descend the writer of this history. 
 
 Such was the legion of sturdy bush-beaters that 
 poured in at the grand gate of New Amsterdam. 
 The Stuyvesant manuscript, indeed, speaks of many 
 more, whose names I omit to mention, seeing that it 
 behoves me to hasten to matters of greater moment. 
 Nothing could surpass the joy and martial pride of 
 the lion-hearted Peter, as he reviewed this mighty 
 host of warriors ; and he determined no longer to 
 defer the gratification of his much wished-for revenge 
 upon the scoundrel Swedes at Fort Casimir. 
 
 But before I hasten to record those unmatchable 
 events which will be found in the sequel of this 
 faithful history, let me pause to notice the fate of 
 Jacobus Von Poffenburgh, the discomfited commander- 
 in-chief of the armies of the New Netherlands. Such 
 is the inherent uncharitableness of human nature, 
 that scarcely did the news become public of his de- 
 plorable discomfiture at Fort Casimir, than a thousand 
 scurvy rumours were set afloat in New Amsterdam ; 
 wherein it was insinuated, that he had in reality a 
 treacherous understanding with the Swedish com- 
 mander ; that he had long been in the practice of 
 privately communicating with the Swedes ; together 
 with divers hints about " secret service money/' to 
 all which deadly charges I do not give a jot more 
 credit than I think they deserve. 
 
NEW YORK. 289 
 
 Certain it is, that the general vindicated his cha- 
 racter by the most vehement oaths and protestations, 
 and put every man out of the ranks of honour who 
 dared to doubt his integrity. Moreover, on returning 
 to New Amsterdam, he paraded up and down the 
 streets with a crew of hard swearers at his heels, 
 sturdy bottle companions, whom he gorged and fat- 
 tened, and who were ready to bolster him through all 
 the courts of justice, heroes of his own kidney, fierce- 
 whiskered, broad-shouldered, Colbrand-looking swag- 
 gerers, not one of whom but looked as though he 
 could eat up an ox, and pick his teeth with the horns. 
 These life-guard men quarrelled all his quarrels, were 
 ready to fight all his battles, and scowled at every 
 man that turned up his nose at the general, as though 
 they would devour him alive. Their conversation was 
 interspersed with oaths like minute-guns, and every 
 bombastic rhodomontado was rounded off by a thun- 
 dering execration, like a patriotic toast honoured with 
 a discharge of artillery. 
 
 All these valorous vapourings had a considerable 
 effect in convincing certain profound sages, many of 
 whom began to think the general a hero of unutter- 
 able loftiness and magnanimity of soul, particularly as 
 he was continually protesting on the honour of a 
 soldier, a marvellously high-sounding asseveration. 
 Nay, one of the members of the council went so far as 
 to propose they should immortalise him by an impe- 
 rishable statue of plaster of Paris. 
 
 But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was not thus 
 to be deceived. Sending privately for the commander- 
 in-chief of all the armies, and having heard all his 
 story, garnished with the customary pious oaths, 
 protestations, and ejaculations " Harkee, comrade," 
 cried he, " though by your own account you are the 
 most brave, upright, and honourable man in the 
 u 
 
290 HISTORY OF 
 
 whole province, yet do you lie under the misfortune 
 of being damnably traduced and immeasurably de- 
 spised. Now though it is certainly hard to punish a 
 man for his misfortunes, and though it is very possible 
 you are totally innocent of the crimes laid to your 
 charge ; yet as heaven, at present, doubtless for some 
 wise purpose, sees fit to withhold all proofs of your 
 innocence, far be it from me to counteract its sovereign 
 will. Beside, I cannot consent to venture my armies 
 with a commander whom they despise, or to trust the 
 welfare of my people to a champion whom they dis- 
 trust. Retire therefore, my friend, from the irksome 
 toils and cares of public life, with this comforting 
 reflection that if you be guilty, you are but enjoying 
 your just reward and if innocent, that you are not 
 the first great and good man, who has most wrong- 
 fully been slandered and maltreated in this wicked 
 world doubtless to be better treated in a better 
 world, where there shall neither be error, calumny, 
 nor persecution. In the meantime let me never see 
 your face again, for I have a horrid antipathy to the 
 countenances of unfortunate great men like yourself. 1 ' 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 In which the Author discourses very ingenuously of himself. 
 After which is to be found much interesting History about Peter 
 the Headstrong and his Followers. 
 
 As my readers and myself are about entering on 
 as many perils as ever a confederacy of meddlesome 
 knights-errant wilfully ran their heads into ; it is meet 
 that, like those hardy adventurers, we should join 
 hands, bury all differences, and swear to stand by one 
 another, in weal or woe, to the end of the enterprise. 
 
NEW YORK. 291 
 
 My readers must, doubtless, perceive how completely 
 I have altered my tone and deportment since we first 
 set out together. I warrant they then thought me a 
 crabbed, cynical, impertinent little son of a Dutchman ; 
 for I scarcely ever gave them a civil word, nor so much 
 as touched my beaver, when I had occasion to address 
 them. But as we jogged along together, in the high 
 road of my history, I gradually began to relax, to grow 
 more courteous, and occasionally to enter into familiar 
 discourse ; until at length I came to conceive a most 
 social, companionable kind of regard for them. This 
 is just my way I am always a little cold and reserved 
 at first, particularly to people whom I neither know 
 nor care for ; and am only to be completely won by 
 long intimacy. 
 
 Besides, why should I have been sociable to the 
 crowd of how-d'ye-do acquaintances, that flocked 
 around me at my first appearance ? Many were 
 merely attracted by a new face ; and having stared 
 me full in the titlepage, walked off without saying a 
 word ; while others lingered yawningly through the 
 preface, and having gratified their short-lived curiosity, 
 soon dropped off one by one. But more especially to 
 try their mettle, I had recourse to an expedient, similar 
 to one which we are told was used by that peerless 
 flower of chivalry king Arthur ; who, before he admit- 
 ted any knight to his intimacy, first required that he 
 should show himself superior to danger or hardships, 
 by encountering unheard-of mishaps, slaying some 
 dozen giants, vanquishing wicked enchanters/not to 
 say a word of dwarfs, hippogriffs, and fiery dragons. 
 On a similar principle I cunningly led my readers, at 
 the first sally, into two or three knotty chapters, where 
 they were most wofully belaboured and buffeted by 
 a host of pagan philosophers and infidel writers. 
 Though naturally a very grave man, yet could I scarce 
 u 2 
 
292 HISTORY OF 
 
 refrain from smiling outright at seeing the utter con- 
 fusion and dismay of my valiant cavaliers some 
 dropped down dead (asleep) on the field ; others 
 threw down my book in the middle of the first chap- 
 ter, took to their heels, and never ceased scampering 
 until they had fairly run it out of sight ; when they 
 stopped to take breath, to tell their friends what 
 troubles they had undergone, and to warn all others 
 from venturing on so thankless an expedition. Every 
 page thinned my ranks more and more ; and of the 
 vast multitude that first set out, but a comparatively 
 few made shift to survive, in exceedingly battered con- 
 dition, through the five introductory chapters. 
 
 What then ! would you have had me take such 
 sunshine, faint-hearted recreants to my bosom, at our 
 first acquaintance ? No, no ; I reserved my friend- 
 ship for those who deserved it ; for those who undaunt- 
 edly bore me company, in despite of difficulties, dangers, 
 and fatigues. And now, as to those who adhere to 
 me at present, I take them affectionately by the hand. 
 Worthy and thrice beloved readers I brave and well 
 tried comrades I who have faithfully followed my foot- 
 steps through all my wanderings I salute you from 
 my heart I pledge myself to stand by you to 
 the last ; and to conduct you (so heaven speed this 
 trusty weapon which I now hold between my fingers), 
 triumphantly to the end of this our stupendous 
 undertaking. 
 
 But, hark ! while we are thus talking, the city of 
 New- Amsterdam is in a bustle. The gallant host of 
 warriors encamped in the Bowling Green are striking 
 their tents ; the brazen trumpet of Anthony Van Cor- 
 lear makes the welkin to resound with portentous 
 clangour the drums beat the standards of the Man- 
 hattoes, of Hell-gate, and of Michael Paw wave proudly 
 in the air. And now behold where the mariners are 
 
NEW YORK. 293 
 
 busily employed, hoisting the sails of yon top- sail 
 schooner, and those two clump-built Albany sloops, 
 which are to waft the army of the Nederlanders to 
 gather immortal honours on the Delaware I 
 
 The entire population of the city, man, woman, and 
 child, turned out to behold the chivalry of New- Am- 
 sterdam, as it paraded the streets previous to embark- 
 ation. Many a handkerchief was waved out of the 
 windows ; many a fair nose was blown in melodious 
 sorrow on the mournful occasion. The grief of the 
 fair dames and beauteous damsels of Grenada could 
 not have been more vociferous on the banishment of 
 the gallant tribe of Abencerrages than was that of 
 the kind-hearted fair ones of New- Amsterdam on the 
 departure of their intrepid warriors. Every lovesick 
 maiden fondly crammed the pockets of her hero with 
 gingerbread and dough-nuts many a copper ring was 
 exchanged, and crooked sixpence broken, in pledge of 
 eternal constancy and there remain extant to this 
 day some love verses written on that occasion, suffi- 
 ciently crabbed and incomprehensible to confound the 
 whole universe. 
 
 But it was a moving sight to see the buxom lasses, 
 how they hung about the doughty Anthony Van Cor- 
 lear ; for he was a jolly, rosy-faced, lusty bachelor, 
 fond of his joke, and withal a desperate rogue among 
 the women. Fain would they have kept him to com- 
 fort them while the army was away ; for besides what 
 I have said of him, it is no more than justice to add, 
 that he was a kind-hearted soul, noted for his benevo- 
 lent attentions in comforting disconsolate wives during 
 the absence of their husbands ; and this made him to 
 be very much regarded by the honest burghers of the 
 city. But nothing could keep the valiant Anthony 
 from following the heels of the old governor, whom 
 he loved as he did his very soul so embracing all 
 
294 HISTORY OF 
 
 the young vrouws, and giving- every one of them that 
 had good teeth and rosy lips a dozen hearty smacks ; 
 he departed loaded with their kind wishes. 
 
 Nor was the departure of the gallant Peter among 
 the least causes of public distress. Though the old 
 governor was by no means indulgent to the follies and 
 waywardness of his subjects, yet somehow or other he 
 had become strangely popular among the people. 
 There is something so captivating in personal bravery, 
 that, with the common mass of mankind, it takes the 
 lead of most other merits. The simple folk of New- 
 Amsterdam looked upon Peter Stuy vesant as a prodigy 
 of valour. His wooden leg, that trophy of his 
 martial encounters, was regarded with reverence and 
 admiration. Every old burgher had a budget of 
 miraculous stories to tell about the exploits of Hard- 
 koppig Piet, wherewith he regaled his children of a 
 long winter night ; and on which he dwelt with as 
 much delight and exaggeration as do our honest 
 country yeomen on the hardy adventures of old General 
 Putnam (or as he is familiarly termed, Old Put), 
 during our glorious revolution. Not an individual 
 but verily believed the old governor was a match for 
 Beelzebub himself ; and there was even a story told, 
 with great mystery, and under the rose, of his having 
 shot the devil with a silver bullet one dark stormy 
 night, as he was sailing in a canoe through Hell -gate. 
 But this I do not record as an absolute fact perish 
 the man who would let fall a drop to discolour the 
 pure stream of history ! 
 
 Certain it is, not an old woman in New Amsterdam 
 but considered Peter Stuyvesant as a tower of strength, 
 and rested satisfied that the public welfare was secure 
 so long as he was in the city. It is not surprising 
 then that they looked upon his departure as a sore 
 affliction. With heavy hearts they draggled at the 
 

 NEW YORK. 295 
 
 heels of his troop, as they inarched down to the river 
 side to embark. The governor from the stern of his 
 schooner, gave a short but truly patriarchal address 
 to his citizens; wherein he recommended them to 
 comport themselves like loyal and peaceful subjects to 
 go to church regularly on Sundays, and to mind their 
 business all the week besides. That the women 
 should be dutiful and affectionate to their husbands 
 looking after nobody's concerns but their own : 
 eschewing all gossipings and morning gaddings ; and 
 carrying short tongues and long petticoats. That the 
 men should abstain from intermeddling in public 
 concerns, entrusting the cares of government to the 
 officers appointed to support them staying at home, 
 like good citizens, making money for themselves, and 
 getting children for the benefit of their country. That 
 the burgomasters should look well to the public 
 interest not oppressing the poor, or indulging the 
 rich not tasking their ingenuity to devise new laws, 
 but faithfully enforcing those which were already made 
 rather bending their attention to prevent evil than 
 to punish it ; ever recollecting that civil magistrates 
 should consider themselves more as guardians of 
 public morals than rat catchers employed to entrap 
 public delinquents. Finally, he exhorted them, one 
 and all, high and low, rich and poor, to conduct them- 
 selves as well as they could ; assuring them that if 
 they faithfully and conscientiously complied with this 
 golden rule, there was no danger but that they would 
 all conduct themselves well enough. This done, he 
 gave them a paternal benediction ; the sturdy Anthony 
 sounded a most loving farewell with his trumpet, the 
 jolly crews put up a lusty shout of triumph, and the 
 invincible armada swept off proudly down the bay. 
 
 The good people of New- Amsterdam crowded down 
 to the Battery that blest resort, from whence so 
 
296 HISTORY OF 
 
 many a tender prayer has been wafted so many a fair 
 hand waved so many a tearful look been cast by 
 lovesick damsel, after the lessening bark which bore 
 her adventurous swain to distant climes ! Here the 
 populace watched with straining eyes the gallant 
 squadron, as it slowly floated down the bay; and when 
 the intervening land at the Narrows shut it from 
 their sight, gradually dispersed with silent tongues 
 and downcast countenances. 
 
 A heavy gloom hung over the late bustling city 
 the honest burghers smoked their pipes in profound 
 thoughtfulness, casting many a wistful look to the 
 weathercock on the church of St. Nicholas ; and all 
 the old women, having no longer the presence of 
 Peter Stuyvesant to hearten them, gathered their 
 children home, and barricadoed the doors and windows 
 every evening at sundown. 
 
 In the meanwhile the armada of the sturdy Peter 
 proceeded prosperously on its voyage, and after encoun- 
 tering about as many storms and water-spouts and 
 whales, and other horrors and phenomena as generally 
 befal adventurous landsmen, in perilous voyages of 
 the kind ; and after undergoing a severe scouring from 
 that deplorable and unpitied malady called sea-sick- 
 ness ; the whole squadron arrived safely in the Dela- 
 ware. 
 
 Without so much as dropping anchor and giving 
 his wearied ships time to breathe after labouring so 
 Jong in the ocean, the intrepid Peter pursued his 
 course up the Delaware, and made a sudden appear- 
 ance before Fort Casimir. Having summoned the 
 astonished garrison by a terrific blast from the trumpet 
 of the long-winded Van Corlear, he demanded, in a 
 tone of thunder, an instant surrender of the fort. 
 To this demand, Suen Scutz, the wind-dried com- 
 mandant, replied in a shrill whiffling voice, which, by 
 
NEW YORK. 297 
 
 reason of his extreme spareness, sounded like the 
 wind whistling through a broken bellows " that 
 he had no very strong reasons for refusing, except 
 that the demand was particularly disagreeable, as he 
 had been ordered to maintain his post to the last 
 extremity." He requested time therefore to consult 
 with Governor Risingh, and proposed a truce for 
 that purpose. 
 
 The choleric Peter, indignant at having his rightful 
 fort so treacherously taken from him, and thus perti- 
 naciously withheld, refused the proffered armistice, 
 and swore by the pipe of St. Nicholas, which like the 
 sacred fire was never extinguished, that, unless the 
 fort were surrendered in ten minutes, he would incon- 
 tinently storm the works, make all the garrison run 
 the gauntlet, and split their scoundrel of a commander, 
 like a pickled shad. To give this menace the greater 
 effect, he drew forth his trusty sword, and shook it at 
 them with such a fierce and vigorous motion that 
 doubtless, if it had not been exceeding rusty, it would 
 have lightened terror into the eyes and hearts of the 
 enemy. He then ordered his men to bring a broad- 
 side to bear upon the fort, consisting of two swivels, 
 three muskets, a long duck fowlingpiece, and two 
 brace of horse pistols. 
 
 In the meantime the sturdy Van Corlear marshalled 
 all his forces, and commenced his warlike operations. 
 Distending his cheeks like a very Boreas, he kept up 
 a most horrific twanging of his trumpet the lusty 
 choristers of Sing-Sing broke forth into a hideous 
 song of battle the warriors of Breukelen and the 
 Wael-bogtig blow a potent and astounding blast on 
 their conch shells : all together forming as outrageous 
 a concerto as though five thousand French orchestras 
 were displaying their skill in a modern overture. 
 
 Whether the formidable front of war, thus suddenly 
 
298 HISTORY OF 
 
 presented, smote the garrison with sore dismay, or 
 whether the concluding terms of the summons, which 
 mentioned that he should surrender " at discretion," 
 were mistaken by Suen Scutz, who, though a Swede, 
 was a very considerate, easy-tempered man, as a com- 
 pliment to his discretion, I will not take upon me to 
 say ; certain it is, he found it impossible to resist so 
 courteous a demand. Accordingly, in the very nick 
 of time, just as the cabin boy had gone after a coal of 
 fire to discharge the swivel, a chamade was beat on the 
 rampart by the only drum in the garrison, to the no 
 small satisfaction of both parties ; who, notwithstand- 
 ing their great stomach for fighting, had full as good 
 inclination to eat a quiet dinner as to exchange black 
 eyes and bloody noses. 
 
 Thus did this impregnable fortress once more return 
 to the domination of their High Mightinesses ; Scutz 
 and his garrison of twenty men were allowed to march 
 out with the honours of war ; and the victorious Peter, 
 who was as generous as brave, permitted them to keep 
 possession of all their arms and ammunition, the same 
 on inspection being found totally unfit for service, hav- 
 ing long rusted in the magazine of the fortress, even 
 before it was wrested by the Swedes from the magna- 
 nimous but windy Von Pofferiburgh. But I must 
 not omit to mention, that the governor was so well 
 pleased with the services of his faithful squire, Van 
 Corlear, in the reduction of this great fortress, that he 
 made him on the spot lord of a goodly domain in the 
 vicinity of New- Amsterdam, which goes by the name 
 of Corlear's Hook unto this very day *. 
 
 The unexampled liberality of the valiant Stuy vesant 
 towards the Swedes occasioned great surprise in the 
 city of New- Amsterdam ; nay, certain of those factious 
 
 * De Vriez makes mention, in one of his voyages, of Corlear's 
 Hoeck,&nd. Corlear' s Plantagie, or Bouwery. 
 
NEW YORK. 299 
 
 individuals, who had been enlightened by the political 
 meetings that prevailed during the days of William the 
 Testy, but who had not dared to indulge their meddle- 
 some habits under the eye of their present ruler, 
 now emboldened by his absence, dared even to give 
 vent to their censures in- the streets murmurs were 
 heard in the very council chamber of New- Amster- 
 dam ; and there is no knowing whether they would .not 
 have broken out into downright speeches and invec- 
 tives, had not Peter Stuyvesant privately sent home 
 his walking-staff, to be laid as a mace on the table of 
 the council-chamber, in the midst of his councillers ; 
 who, like wise men, took the hint, and for ever after 
 held their peace. 
 
 
 CHAPTER VT. 
 
 Showing the great Advantage that the Author has over his Reader 
 in time of Battle together with divers portentous Movements ; 
 which betoken that something terrible is about to happen. 
 
 LIKE as a mighty alderman, when at a corporation 
 feast, the first spoonful of turtle soup salutes his palate, 
 feels his impatient appetite but tenfold quickened, and 
 redoubles his vigorous attacks upon the tureen, while 
 his voracious eyes, "projecting from his head, roll 
 greedily round, devouring every thing at table so did 
 the mettlesome Peter Stuyvesant feel that intolerable 
 hunger for martial glory, which raged within his very 
 bowels, inflamed by the capture of Fort Casimir, and 
 nothing could allay it but the conquest of all New 
 Sweden. No sooner, therefore, had he secured his 
 conquest than he stumped resolutely on, flushed with 
 success, to gather fresh laurels at Fort Christina*. 
 
 * This is at present a flourishing town, called Christiana, or Chris- 
 teen, about thirty- seven miles from Philadelphia, on the post road 
 to Baltimore, 
 
300 HISTORY OF 
 
 This was the grand Swedish post, established on 
 a small river (or as it is more improperly termed, 
 creek) of the same name ; and here that crafty gover- 
 nor, Jan Risingh, lay grimly drawn up, like a grey- 
 bearded spider in the citadel of his web. 
 
 But before we hurry into the direful scenes that 
 must attend the meeting of two such powerful chief- 
 tains, it is advisable that we pause for a moment, and 
 hold a kind of warlike council. Battles should not be 
 rushed into precipitately by the historian and his 
 readers any more than by the general and his sol- 
 diers. The great commanders of antiquity never 
 engaged the enemy without previously preparing the 
 minds of their followers by animating harangues ; 
 spiriting them up to heroic feelings, assuring them 
 of the protection of the gods, and inspiring them with 
 a confidence in the prowess of their leaders. So the 
 historian should awaken the attention and enlist the 
 passions of his readers, and having set them all on 
 fire with the importance of his subject, he should put 
 himself at their head, flourish his pen, and lead them 
 > on to the thickest of the fight. 
 
 An illustrious example of this rule may be seen in 
 that mirror of historians, the immortal Thucydides. 
 Having arrived at the breaking out of the Peloponne- 
 sian war, one of his commentators observes, that " he 
 sounds the charge in all the disposition and spirit of 
 Homer. He catalogues the allies on both sides. He 
 awakens our expectations, and fast engages our atten- 
 tion. All mankind are concerned in the important 
 point now going to be decided. Endeavours are 
 made to disclose futurity. Heaven itself is interested 
 in the dispute. The earth totters, and nature seems 
 to labour with the great event. This is his solemn, 
 sublime manner of setting- out. Thus he magnifies a 
 war between two, as Rapin calls them, petty estates ; 
 
NEW YORK. 301 
 
 and thus artfully he supports a little subject by 
 treating it in a great and noble method *." 
 
 In like manner, having conducted my readers into 
 the very teeth of peril having followed the adven- 
 turous Peter and his band into foreign regions sur- 
 rounded by foes, and stunned by the horrid din of 
 arms at this important moment, while darkness and 
 doubt hang o'er each coming chapter, I hold it meet 
 to harangue them, and prepare them for the events 
 that are to follow. 
 
 And here I would premise one great advantage 
 which, as the historian, I possess over my reader; 
 and this it is that though I cannot save the life- of 
 my favourite hero, nor absolutely contradict the event 
 of a battle (both which liberties, though often taken 
 by the French writers of the present reign, I hold to 
 be utterly unworthy of a scrupulous historian), yet 
 I can now and then make him bestow on his enemy a 
 sturdy back-stroke sufficient to fell a giant ; though, 
 in honest truth, he may never have done any thing of 
 the kind or I can drive his antagonist clear round 
 and round the field, as did Homer make that fine 
 fellow Hector scamper like a poltroon round the walls 
 of Troy ; for which, if ever they have encountered one 
 another in the Elysian fields, I'll warrant the prince of 
 poets has had to make the most humble apology. 
 
 I am aware that many conscientious readers will be 
 ready to cry out " foul play ! " whenever I render a 
 little assistance to my hero but I consider it one of 
 those privileges exercised by historians of all ages 
 and one which has never been disputed. In fact, an 
 historian is, as it were, bound in honour to stand by 
 his hero the fame of the latter is entrusted to his 
 hands, and it is his duty to do the best by it he can. 
 Never was there a general, an admiral, or any com- 
 * Smith's Thucyd. vol. i. p. Ixx. 
 
302 HISTORY OF 
 
 mander, who, in giving an account of any battle that 
 he had fought, did not sorely belabour the enemy ; 
 and I have no doubt that, had my heroes written the 
 history of their own achievements, they would have 
 dealt much harder blows than any that I shall 
 recount. Standing forth, therefore, as the guardian 
 of their fame, it behoves me to do them the same 
 justice they would have done themselves ; and if I 
 happen to be a little hard upon the Swedes, I give 
 free leave to any of their descendants, who may write 
 a history of the State of Delaware, to take fair reta- 
 liation, and belabour Peter Stuy vesant as hard as they 
 please. 
 
 Therefore stand by for broken heads and bloody 
 noses ! my pen has long itched for a battle siege 
 after siege have I carried on, without blows or blood- 
 shed ; but now I have at length got a chance, and I 
 vow to Heaven and St. Nicholas, that, let the chroni- 
 cles of the times say what they please, neither Sallust, 
 Livy, Tacitus, Polybius, nor any other battlemonger 
 of them all, did ever record a fiercer fight than that 
 in which my valiant chieftains are now about to 
 engage. 
 
 And you, oh most excellent readers, whom, for 
 your faithful adherence, I could cherish in the warmest 
 corner of my heart be not uneasy trust the fate of 
 our favourite Stuy vesant to me for by the rood, come 
 what may, I'll stick by Hard-koppig Piet to the last ; 
 I'll make him drive about these losels vile, as did the 
 renowned Launcelot of the Lake a herd of recreant 
 Cornish knights ; and if he does fall, let me never 
 draw my pen to fight another battle in behalf of a 
 brave man, if I don't make these lubberly Swedes 
 pay for it ! 
 
 No sooner had Peter Stuyvesant arrived before Fort 
 Christina, than he proceeded without delay to entrench 
 
NEW YORK. 303 
 
 himself, and immediately on running his first parallel, 
 despatched Anthony Van Corlear to summon the 
 fortress to surrender. Van Corlear was received with 
 all due formality, hoodwinked at the portal, and con- 
 ducted through a pestiferous smell of salt-fish and 
 onions, to the citadel, a substantial hut built of pine 
 logs. His eyes were here uncovered, and he found 
 himself in the august presence of Governor Risingh. 
 This chieftain, as I have before noted, was a very 
 giantly man ; and was clad in a coarse blue coat, 
 strapped round the waist with a leathern belt, which 
 caused the enormous skirts and pockets to set off with 
 a very warlike sweep. His ponderous legs were 
 cased in a pair of foxy-coloured jack boots, and he 
 was straddling in the attitude of the Colossus of 
 Rhodes, before a bit of broken looking-glass, shaving 
 himself with a villanously dull razor. This afflicting 
 operation caused him to make a series of horrible 
 grimaces, that heightened exceedingly the grisly terrors 
 of his visage. On Anthony Van Coiiear's being 
 announced, the grim commander paused for a moment, 
 in the midst of one of the most hard-favoured contor- 
 tions, and after eyeing him askance over the shoulder 
 with a kind of snarling grin on his countenance, 
 resumed his labours at the glass. 
 
 This iron harvest being reaped, he turned once 
 more to the trumpeter, and demanded the purport 
 of his errand. Anthony Van Corlear delivered in a 
 few words, being a kind of short-hand speaker, a long 
 message from his Excellency, recounting the whole 
 history of the province, with a recapitulation of griev- 
 ances, and enumeration of claims, and concluded with 
 a peremptory demand of instant surrender ; which 
 done, he turned aside, took his nose between his 
 thumb and finger, and blew a tremendous blast, not 
 unlike the flourish of a trumpet of defiance ; which 
 
304 HISTORY OF 
 
 it had doubtless learned from a long and intimate 
 neighbourhood with that melodious instrument. 
 
 Governor Risingh heard him through, trumpet and 
 all, but with infinite impatience ; leaning at times, as 
 was his usual custom, on the pommel of his sword, 
 and at times twirling a huge steel watch-chain, or 
 snapping his fingers. Van Corlear having finished, 
 he bluntly replied, that Peter Stuyvesant and his 
 
 summons might go to the d 1, whither he hoped to 
 
 send him and his crew of ragamuffins before supper 
 time. Then unsheathing his brass hilted sword, and 
 throwing away the scabbard " Fore gad," quod he, 
 " but I will not sheathe thee again until I make a 
 scabbard of the smoke-dried, leathern hide of this 
 runagate Dutchman." Then having flung a fierce 
 defiance in the teeth of his adversary, by the lips of 
 his messenger, the latter was reconducted to the portal 
 with all the ceremonious civility due to the trumpeter, 
 squire, and ambassador of so great a commander ; and 
 being again unblinded, was courteously dismissed with 
 a tweak of the nose to assist him in recollecting his 
 message. 
 
 No sooner did the gallant Peter receive this inso- 
 lent reply than he let fly a tremendous volley of red- 
 hot execrations that would infallibly have battered 
 down the fortifications, and blown up the powder 
 magazine, about the ears of the fiery Swede, had not 
 the ramparts been remarkably strong, and the maga- 
 zine bomb-proof. Perceiving that the works withstood 
 this terrific blast, and that it was utterly impossible 
 (as it really was in those unphilosophic days) to carry 
 on a war with words, he ordered his merry men all to 
 prepare for an immediate assault. But here a strange 
 murmur broke out among his troops, beginning with 
 the tribe of the Van Bummels, those valiant trencher- 
 men of the Bronx, and spreading from man to man, 
 
NEW YORK. 305 
 
 accompanied with certain mutinous looks and discon- 
 tented murmurs. For once in his life, and only for 
 once, did the great Peter turn pale ; for he verily 
 thought his warriors were going to falter in this hour 
 of perilous trial, and thus tarnish for ever the fame of 
 the province of New Nederlandts. 
 
 But soon did he discover, to his great joy, that in 
 this suspicion he deeply wronged this most undaunted 
 army; for the cause of this agitation and uneasiness 
 simply was, that the hour of dinner was at hand, and 
 it would have almost broken the hearts of these regular 
 Dutch warriors to have broken in upon the invariable 
 routine of their habits. Beside, it was an established 
 rule among our valiant ancestors always to fight upon 
 a full stomach ; and to this may be doubtless attributed 
 the circumstance that they came to be so renowned in 
 arms. 
 
 And now are the hearty men of the Manhattoes, 
 and their no less hearty comrades, all lustily engaged 
 under the trees, buffeting stoutly with the contents of 
 their wallets, and taking such affectionate embraces 
 of their canteens and pottles as though they verily 
 believed they were to be the last. And as I foresee 
 we shall have hot work in a page or two, I advise my 
 readers to do the same ; for which purpose I will bring 
 this chapter to a close ; giving them my word of 
 honour, that no advantage shall be taken of this armis- 
 tice, to surprise, or in any way molest, the honest 
 Nederlanders while at their vigourous repast. 
 
306 HISTORY OF 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Containing the most horrible Battle ever recorded in Poetry OF 
 Prose; with the admirable Exploits of Peter the Headstrong. 
 
 " Now had the Dutchmen snatched a huge re- 
 past," and finding themselves wonderfully encouraged 
 and animated thereby, prepared to take the field. 
 Expectation, says the writer of the Stuyvesant manu- 
 script Expectation now stood on stilts. The world 
 forgot to turn round, or rather stood still, that it 
 might witness the affray; like a fat, round bellied alder- 
 man, watching the combat of two chivalric flies upon 
 his jerkin. The eyes of all mankind, as usual in such 
 cases, were turned upon Fort Christina. The sun, 
 like a little man in a crowd at a puppet-show, scam- 
 pered about the heavens, popping his head here and 
 there, and endeavouring to get a peep between the 
 unmannerly clouds, that obtruded themselves in his 
 way. The historians filled their inkhorns the poets 
 went without their dinners, either that they might buy 
 paper and goose-quills, or because they could not get 
 anything to eat antiquity scowled sulkily out of its 
 grave, to see itself outdone while even posterity 
 stood mute, gazing in gaping extasy of retrospection, 
 on the eventful field. 
 
 The immortal deities, who, whilome, had seen service 
 at the "affair" of Troy now mounted their feather- 
 bed clouds, and sailed over the plain, or mingled 
 among the combatants in different disguises, all itching 
 to have a finger in the pie. Jupiter sent off his thun- 
 derbolt to a noted coppersmith, to have it furbished 
 up for the direful occasion. Venus swore by her chas- 
 tity she would patronize the Swedes ; and in semblance 
 of a blear-eyed trull, paraded the battlements of Fort 
 Christina, accompanied by Diana, as a Serjeant's 
 
NEW YORK. 307 
 
 widow of cracked reputation. The noted bully, Mars, 
 stuck two horse-pistols into his belt, shouldering a 
 rusty firelock, and gallantly swaggered at their elbow 
 as a drunken corporal while Apollo trudged in their 
 rear as a bandy-legged fifer, playing most villanously 
 out of tune. 
 
 On the other side, the ox-eyed Juno, who had 
 gained a pair of black eyes overnight, in one of her cur- 
 tain lectures with old Jupiter, displayed her haughty 
 beauties on a baggage-wagon Minerva, as a brawny 
 gin-suttler, tucked up her skirts, brandished her fists, 
 and swore most heroically, in exceeding bad Dutch 
 (having but lately studied the language), by way of 
 keeping up the spirits of the soldiers ; while Vulcan 
 halted as a club-footed blacksmith, lately promoted to 
 be a captain of militia. All was silent horror, or 
 bustling preparation ; war reared his horrid front, 
 gnashed loud his iron fangs, and shook his direful 
 crest of bristling bayonets. 
 
 And now the mighty chieftains marshalled out their 
 hosts. Here stood stout Risirigh, firm as a thousand 
 rocks encrusted with stockades, and entrenched to 
 the chin in mud batteries. His artillery, consisting of 
 two swivels and a carronade, loaded to the muzzle, 
 the touch-holes primed, and a whiskered bombardier 
 stationed at each with lighted match in hand, waiting 
 the word. His valiant infantry lined the breast-work 
 in grim array, each having his mustachios fiercely 
 greased, and his hair pomatumed back, and queued so 
 stiffly that he grinned above the ramparts like a grisly 
 death's head. 
 
 There came on the intrepid Hard-koppig Piet, a 
 second Bayard, without fear or reproach his brows 
 knit, his teeth clenched, his breath held hard, rushing 
 on like ten thousand bellowing bulls of Bashan. His 
 faithful squire, Van Corlear, trudged valiantly at his 
 x 2 
 
808 HISTORY OF 
 
 heels, with his trumpet gorgeously bedecked with red 
 and yellow ribands, the remembrances of his fair mis- 
 tresses at the Manhattoes. Then came waddling on 
 his sturdy comrades, swarming like the myrmidons of 
 Achilles. There were the Van Wycks and the Van 
 Dycks and the Ten Eycks the Van Nesses, the Van 
 Tassels, the Van Grolls, the Van Hoesens, the Van 
 Giesons, and the Van Blarcoms. The Van Warts, 
 the Van Winkles, the Van Dams, the Van Pelts, the 
 Van Rippers, and the Van Brunts. There were the 
 Van Homes, the Van Hooks, the Van Bunschotens, 
 the Van G elders, the Van Arsdales, and the Van 
 Bummels. The Vander Belts, the Vander Hoofs, the 
 Vander Voorts, the Vander Lyns, the Vander Pools, 
 and the Vander Spiegels ; there came the Hoffmans, 
 the Hooghlands, the Hoppers, the Cloppers, the 
 Ryckmans, the Dyckmans, the Hogebooms, the Rose- 
 booms, the Oothouts, the Quackenbosses, the Roer- 
 backs, the Garrebrantzs, the Bensons, the Brouwers, 
 the Waldrons, the Onderdonks, the Varra Vangers, 
 the Schermerhorns, the Stoutenburghs, the Brinker- 
 hoffs, the Bontecous, the Knickerbockers, the Hock- 
 strassers, the Ten Breecheses, and the Tough Breech- 
 eses, with a host of more valiant worthies, whose names 
 are too crabbed to be written, or, if they could be 
 written, it would be impossible for men to utter all 
 fortified with a mighty dinner, and to use the words of 
 a great Dutch poet, 
 
 " Brimful of wrath and cabbage !" 
 
 For an instant the mighty Peter paused in the 
 midst of his career, and mounting on a stump, ad- 
 dressed his troops in eloquent Low Dutch, exhorting 
 them to fight like duyvels*, and assuring them, that if 
 they conquered they should get plenty of booty ; if 
 they fell, they should be allowed the unparalleled 
 
NEW YORK. 309 
 
 satisfaction, while dying, of reflecting that it was in 
 the service of their country; and after they were 
 dead, of seeing their names inscribed in the temple of 
 renown, and handed down in company with all the 
 other great men of the year, for the admiration of 
 posterity. Finally, he swore to them, on the word of 
 a governor (and they knew him too well to doubt it 
 for a moment), that if he caught any mother's son of 
 them looking pale, or playing craven, he'd curry his 
 hide till he made him run out of it like a snake in 
 spring-time. Then lugging out his trusty sabre, he 
 brandished it three times over his head, ordered Van 
 Corlear to sound a tremendous charge, and shouting 
 the word " St. Nicholas and the Manhattdes !" cou- 
 rageously dashed forwards. His warlike followers, 
 who had employed the interval in lighting their pipes, 
 instantly stuck them in their mouths, gave a furious 
 puff, and charged gallantly under cover of the smoke. 
 The Swedish garrison, ordered by the cunning 
 Risingh not to fire until they could distinguish the 
 whites of their assailants' eyes, stood in horrid silence 
 on the covert-way, until the eager Dutchmen had 
 ascended the glacis. Then did they pour into them 
 such a tremendous volley, that the very hills quaked 
 around, and were terrified even unto an incontinence 
 of water, insomuch that certain springs burst forth 
 from their sides, which continue to run unto the 
 present day. Not a Dutchman but would have bitten 
 the dust beneath that dreadful fire, had not the pro- 
 tecting Minerva kindly taken care that the Swedes 
 should, one and all, observe their usual custom of 
 shutting their eyes and turning away their heads, at 
 the moment of discharge. 
 
 The Swedes followed up their fire, by leaping the 
 counterscarp, and falling tooth and nail upon the foe, 
 with furious outcries. And now might be seen pro- 
 
310 HISTORY OF 
 
 digies of valour, of which neither history nor song 
 have ever recorded a parallel. Here was beheld the 
 sturdy Stoffel Brinkerhoff brandishing his lusty 
 quarter-staff, like the terrible giant Blanderon his 
 oak-tree (for he scorned to carry any other weapon), 
 and drumming an horrific tune upon the heads of 
 whole squadrons of Swedes. There were the crafty 
 Van Kortlandts, posted at a distance, like the Lo- 
 crian archers of yore, and plying it most potently 
 with the long-bow, for which they were so justly 
 renowned. At another place were collected on a 
 rising knoll the valiant men of Sing-Sing, who assisted 
 marvellously in the fight, by chaunting forth the great 
 song of St. Nicholas ; but as to the Gardeniers of 
 Hudson, they were absent from the battle, having 
 been sent out on a marauding party, to lay waste the 
 neighbouring water-melon patches. In a different 
 part of the field might be seen the Van Grolls of 
 Anthony's Nose ; but they were horribly perplexed in 
 a defile between two little hills, by reason of the 
 length of their noses. There were the Van Bun- 
 schotens of Nyack and Kakiat, so renowned for kick- 
 ing with the left foot ; but their skill availed them 
 little at present, being short of wind, in consequence 
 of the hearty dinner they had eaten : and they would 
 irretrievably have been put to the rout, had they not 
 been reinforced by a gallant corps of Voltigeurs, 
 composed of the Hoppers, who advanced to their 
 assistance nimbly on one foot. Nor must I omit to 
 mention the incomparable achievements of Anthony 
 Van Corlear, who, for a good quarter of an hour, 
 waged stubborn fight with a little pursy Swedish 
 drummer, whose hide he drummed most magnifi- 
 cently ; and had he not come into the battle with no 
 other weapon but his trumpet, would infallibly have 
 put him to an untimely end. 
 
NEW YORK. 311 
 
 But now the combat thickened : on came the 
 mighty Jacobus Varra Vanger, and the fighting men 
 of the Wallabout; after them thundered the Van 
 Pelts of Esopus, together with the Van Rippers and 
 the Van Brunts, bearing down all before them; then 
 the Suy Dams and the Van Dams, pressing forward 
 with many a blustering oath, at the head of the war- 
 riors of Hell-gate, clad in their thunder-and-lightning 
 gaberdines ; and lastly, the standard-bearers and body- 
 guards of Peter Stuyvesant, bearing the great beaver 
 of the Manhattoes. 
 
 And now commenced the horrid din, the desperate 
 struggle, the maddening ferocity, the frantic despera- 
 tion, the confusion, and self-abandonment of war. 
 Dutchman and Swede commingled, tugged, panted, 
 and blowed. The heavens were darkened with a 
 tempest of missives. Bang I went the guns whack I 
 struck the broadswords thump ! went the cudgels 
 crash ! went the musket-stocks blows kicks cuffs 
 scratches black eyes and bloody noses swelling 
 the horrors of the scene ! Thwick-thwack, cut and 
 hack, helter-skelter, higgledy-piggledy, hurley-hurley, 
 head over heels, rough and tumble ! Dunder and 
 
 blixum ! swore the Dutchmen splitter and splutter ! 
 
 cried the Swedes. Storm the works ! shouted Hard- 
 koppig Peter. Fire the mine ! roared stout Risingh. 
 Tantara-ra-ra I twang'd the trumpet of Anthony 
 Van Corlear until all voice and sound became unin- 
 telligible ; grunts of pain, yells of fury, and shouts of 
 triumph commingled in one hideous clamour. The 
 earth shook as if struck with a paralytic stroke trees 
 shrunk aghast, and withered at the sight rocks bur- 
 rowed in the ground like rabbits, and even Christina 
 creek turned from its course, and ran up a mountain 
 in breathless terror. 
 
 Long- hung the contest doubtful; for though a 
 
312 HISTORY OF 
 
 heavy shower of rain, sent by the " cloud-compelling 
 Jove," in some measure cooled their ardour, as doth 
 a bucket of water thrown on a group of fighting 
 mastiffs, yet did they but pause for a moment, to 
 return with tenfold fury to the charge, belabouring 
 each other with black and bloody bruises. Just at 
 this juncture was seen a vast and dense column of 
 smoke, slowly rolling towards the scene of battle, 
 which for a while made even the furious combatants 
 to stay their arms in mute astonishment ; but the 
 wind for a moirient dispersing the murky cloud, from 
 the midst thereof emerged the flaunting banner of 
 the immortal Michael Paw. This noble chieftain 
 came fearlessly on, leading a solid phalanx of oyster- 
 fed Pavonians, who had remained behind, partly as a 
 corps de reserve, and partly to digest the enormous 
 dinner they had eaten. These sturdy yeomen, nothing 
 daunted, did trudge manfully forward, smoking their 
 pipes with outrageous vigour, so as to raise the awful 
 cloud that has been mentioned; but marching exceed- 
 ingly slow, being short of leg, and of great rotundity 
 in the belt. 
 
 And now the protecting deities of the army of New 
 Amsterdam, having unthinkingly left the field, and 
 stepped into a neighbouring tavern to refresh them- 
 selves with a pot of beer, a direful catastrophe had 
 well nigh chanced to befal the Nederlanders. Scarcely 
 had the myrmidons of the puissant Paw attained the 
 front of battle, before the Swedes, instructed by the 
 cunning Risingh, levelled a shower of blows full at 
 their tobacco pipes. Astounded at this unexpected 
 assault, and totally discomfited at seeing their pipes 
 broken, the valiant Dutchmen fell into vast confusion. 
 Already they begin to fly ; like a frightened drove of 
 unwieldy elephants , they throw their own army in an 
 uproar, bearing down a whole legion of little Hoppers ; 
 
NEW YORK. 313 
 
 the sacred banner, on which is emblazoned the gigantic 
 oyster of Communipaw is trampled in the dirt ; the 
 Swedes pluck up new spirits, and pressing on their 
 rear, apply their feet, a parte poste, with a vigour 
 that prodigiously accelerates their motions ; nor doth 
 the renowned Paw himself fail to receive divers 
 grievous and dishonourable visitations of shoe-leather. 
 But what, oh Muse ! was the rage of the gallant 
 Peter, when from afar he saw his army yield ? With 
 a voice of thunder did he roar after his recreant 
 warriors, putting up such a war-whoop as did the stern 
 Achilles, when the Trojan troops were on the point 
 of burning all his galleys. The men of the Manhat- 
 toes plucked up new courage when they heard their 
 leader ; or rather they dreaded his fierce displeasure, 
 of which they stood in more awe than of all the Swedes 
 in Christendom ; but the daring Peter, not waiting for 
 their aid, plunged, sword in hand, into the thickest of 
 the foe. Then did he display some such incredible 
 achievements as have never been known since the 
 miraculous days of the giants. Wherever he went the 
 enemy shrunk before him ; with fierce impetuosity he 
 pushed forward, driving the Swedes, like dogs, into 
 their own ditch ; but as he fearlessly advanced, the 
 foe, like rushing waves which close upon the scudding 
 bark, thronged upon his rear, and hung upon his flank 
 with fearful peril. One crafty Swede, advancing 
 warily on one side, drove his dastard sword full at the 
 hero's heart ; but the protecting power that watches 
 over the safety of all great and good men turned aside 
 the hostile blade, and directed it to a side pocket, 
 where reposed an enormous iron tobacco-box, endowed, 
 like the shield of Achilles, with supernatural powers, 
 no doubt in consequence of its being piously decorated 
 with a portrait of the blessed St. Nicholas. Thus 
 
 
314 HISTORY OF 
 
 was the dreadful blow repelled, but not without 
 occasioning- to the great Peter a fearful loss of wind. 
 
 Like as a furious bear, when gored by worrying 
 curs, turns fiercely round, gnashes his teeth, and 
 springs upon the foe, so did our hero turn upon the 
 treacherous Swede. The miserable varlet sought in 
 flight for safety ; but the active Peter, seizing him by 
 an immeasurable queue, that dangled from his head, 
 " Ah, whoreson caterpillar I " roared he, " here is what 
 shall make dog's meat of thee ! " So saying, he whirled 
 his trusty sword, and made a blow that would have 
 decapitated him, had he, like Briareus, half a hundred 
 heads, but that the pitying steel struck short, and 
 shaved the queue for ever from his crown. At that 
 very moment, a cunning arquebusier, perched on the 
 summit of a neighbouring- mound, levelled his deadly 
 instrument, and would have sent the gallant Stuyvesant 
 a wailing ghost to haunt the Stygian shore, had not 
 the watchful Minerva, who had just stopped to tie up 
 her garters, seen the great peril of her favourite chief, 
 and despatched old Boreas with his bellows, who, in 
 the very nick of time, just as the direful match des- 
 cended to the pan, gave such a lucky blast as blew all 
 the priming from the touch-hole ! 
 
 Thus waged the horrid fight, when the stout 
 Risingh, surveying the battle from the top of a little 
 ravelin, perceived his faithful troops banged, beaten, 
 and kicked by the invincible Peter. Language cannot 
 describe the choler with which he was seized at the 
 sight. He only stopped for a moment to disburden 
 himself of five thousand anathemas ; and then drawing- 
 his immeasurable falchion, straddled down to the 
 field of combat, with some such thundering strides as 
 Jupiter is said by Hesiod to have taken, when he 
 strode down the spheres to huri his thunderbolts at 
 the Titans. 
 
NEW YORK* 315 
 
 No sooner did these two rival heroes come face to 
 face than they each made a prodigious start, such as 
 is made by your most experienced stage champions. 
 Then did they regard each other for a moment with 
 bitter aspect, like two furious ram-cats on the very 
 point of a clapper-clawing. Then did they throw 
 themselves in one attitude, then in another, striking 
 their swords on the ground, first on the right side, 
 then on the left ; at last, at it they went, like five 
 hundred houses on fire I Words cannot tell the prodi*- 
 gies of strength and valour displayed on this direful 
 encounter an encounter, compared to which the far 
 famed battles of Ajax with Hector, of .^Eneas with 
 Turnus, Orlando with Rodomont, Guy of Warwick 
 with Colbrand the Dane, or of that renowned Welsh 
 knight, Sir Owen of the Mountains with the giant 
 Guylon, were all gentle sports and holiday recreations. 
 At length the valiant Peter, watching his opportunity, 
 aimed a fearful blow, with the full intention of cleaving 
 his adversary to the very chine ; but Risingh, nimbly 
 raising his sword, warded it off so narrowly that, 
 glancing on one side, it shaved away a huge canteen 
 that he always carried swung on one side ; thence 
 pursuing its trenchant course, it severed off a deep 
 coat-pocket, stored with bread and cheese ; all which 
 dainties, rolling among the armies, occasioned a fearful 
 scrambling between the Swedes and Dutchmen, and 
 made the general battle to wax ten times more furious 
 than ever. 
 
 Enraged to see his military stores thus wofully laid 
 waste, the stout Risingh, collecting all his forces, 
 aimed a mighty blow full at the hero's crest. In vain 
 did his fierce little cocked hat oppose its course ; the 
 biting steel clove through the stubborn ram beaver, 
 and would infallibly have cracked his crown, but that 
 the skull was of such adamantine hardness that the 
 
316 HISTORY OF 
 
 brittle weapon shivered into pieces, shedding a thou- 
 sand sparks, like beams of glory, round his gristly 
 visage. 
 
 Stunned with the blow the valiant Peter reeled, 
 turned up his eyes and beheld fifty thousand suns, 
 besides moons and stars, dancing about the firmament : 
 at length, missing his footing, by reason of his wooden 
 leg, down he came on his seat of honour, with a crash 
 that shook the surrounding hills, and would infallibly 
 have wracked his anatomical system, had he not been 
 received into a cushion softer than velvet, which Pro- 
 vidence, or Minerva, or St. Nicholas, or some kindly 
 cow, had benevolently prepared for his reception. 
 
 The furious Risingh, in despite of that noble maxim, 
 cherished by all true knights, that " fair play is a 
 jewel," hastened to take advantage of the hero's fall ; 
 but just as he was stooping to give the fatal blow, the 
 ever vigilant Peter bestowed him a sturdy thwack over 
 the sconce, with his wooden leg, that set some dozen 
 chimes of bells ringing triple bobmajors in his cere- 
 bellum. The bewildered Swede staggered with the 
 blow, and in the meantime the wary Peter, espying a 
 pocket pistol lying hard by (which had dropped from 
 the wallet of his faithful squire and trumpeter, Van 
 Corlear, during his furious encounter with the drum- 
 mer), discharged it full at the head of the reeling 
 Risingh. Let not my reader mistake it was not a 
 murderous weapon loaded with powder and ball, but a 
 little sturdy stone pottle, charged to the muzzle with 
 a double dram of true Dutch courage, which the 
 knowing Van Corlear always carried about him by 
 way of replenishing his valour. The hideous missive 
 sung through the air, and true to its course, as was 
 the mighty fragment of a rock discharged at Hector 
 by bully Ajax, encountered the huge head of the 
 gigantic Swede with matchless violence. 
 
NEW YORK. 317 
 
 This heaven-directed blow decided the eventful 
 battle. The ponderous pericranium of General Jan 
 Risingh sunk upon his breast ; his knees tottered 
 under him ; a deathlike torpor seized upon his Titan 
 frame, and he tumbled to the earth with such tremen- 
 dous violence that old Pluto started with affright, lest 
 he should have broken through the roof of his infernal 
 palace. 
 
 His fall was the signal of defeat and victory. The 
 Swedes gave way the Dutch pressed forward the 
 former took to their heels the latter hotly pursued. 
 Some entered with them, pell mell, through the sally- 
 port others stormed the bastion, and others scrambled 
 over the curtain. Thus in a little while the impreg- 
 nable fortress of Fort Christina, which, like another 
 Troy, had stood a siege of full ten hours, was finally 
 carried by assault, without the loss of a single man on 
 either side. Victory, in the likeness of a gigantic 
 ox-fly, sat perched upon the cocked hat of the gallant 
 Stuyvesant ; and it was universally declared, by all 
 the writers whom he hired to write the history of his 
 expedition, that on this memorable day he gained a 
 sufficient quantity of glory to immortalise a dozen of 
 the greatest heroes in Christendom ! 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 In which the Author and the Reader, while reposing after the 
 Battle, fall into a very grave Discourse after which is recorded 
 the Conduct of Peter Stuyvesant after his Victory. 
 
 THANKS to St. Nicholas, we have safely finished 
 this tremendous battle : let us sit down, my worthy 
 reader, and cool ourselves, for I am in a prodigious 
 sweat and agitation. Truly this fighting of battles is 
 
318 HISTORY OF 
 
 hot work ; and if your great commanders did but 
 know what trouble they give their historians, they 
 would not have the conscience to achieve so many 
 horrible victories. But methinks I hear my reader 
 complain, that throughout this boasted battle there is 
 not the least slaughter, nor a single individual maimed, 
 if we except the unhappy Swede, who was shorn of his 
 queue by the trenchant blade of Peter Stuyvesant ; 
 all which, he observes, is a great outrage on proba- 
 bility, and highly injurious to the interest of the 
 narration. 
 
 This is certainly an objection of no little moment ; 
 but it arises entirely from the obscurity that enve- 
 lopes the remote periods of time, about which I have 
 undertaken to write. Thus, though doubtless, from 
 the importance of the object, and the prowess of the 
 parties concerned, there must haye been terrible car- 
 nage and prodigies of valour displayed before the walls 
 of Christina ; yet, notwithstanding that I have con- 
 sulted every history, manuscript, and tradition touch- 
 ing this memorable, though long-forgotten battle, I 
 cannot find mention made of a single man killed or 
 wounded in the whole affair. 
 
 This is, without doubt, owing to the extreme modesty 
 of our forefathers, who, like their descendants, were 
 never prone to vaunt of their achievements ; but it is 
 a virtue that places their historian in a most embar- 
 rassing predicament ; for, having promised my readers 
 a hideous and unparalleled battle, and having worked 
 them up into a warlike and blood-thirsty state of 
 mind, to put them off without any havoc and slaughter 
 was as bitter a disappointment as to summons a mul- 
 titude of good people to attend an execution, and then 
 cruelly baulk them by a reprieve. 
 
 Had the inexorable fates only allowed me some half 
 a score dead men, I had been content; for I would 
 
NEW YORK. 319 
 
 have made them such heroes as abounded in the 
 olden time, but whose race is now unfortunately 
 extinct. Any one of whom, if we may believe those 
 authentic writers, the poets, could drive great armies 
 like sheep before him, and conquer and desolate whole 
 cities by his single arm. 
 
 But seeing that 1 had not a single life at my dis- 
 posal, all that was left me was to make the most I 
 could of my battle, by means of kicks and cuffs and 
 bruises, and such like ignoble wounds. And here I 
 cannot but compare my dilemma, in some sort, to 
 that of the divine Milton, who, having arrayed with 
 sublime preparation his immortal hosts against each 
 other, is sadly put to it, how to manage them, and 
 how he shall make the end of his battle answer to the 
 beginning ; inasmuch as, being mere spirits, he cannot 
 deal a mortal blow, nor even give a flesh wound to 
 any of his combatants. For my part, the greatest 
 difficulty I found was, when I had once put my war- 
 riors in a passion, and let them loose into the midst 
 of the enemy, to keep them from doing mischief. 
 Many a time had I to restrain the sturdy Peter from 
 cleaving a gigantic Swede to the very waistband, or 
 spitting half a dozen little fellows on his sword, like 
 so many sparrows. And when I had set some hun- 
 dred of missives flying in the air, I did not dare to 
 suffer one of them to reach the ground, lest it should 
 have put an end to some unlucky Dutchman. 
 
 The reader cannot conceive how mortifying it is to 
 a writer, thus in a manner to have his hands tied, and 
 how many tempting opportunities I had to wink at, 
 where I might have made as fine a death blow as 
 any recorded in history or song. 
 
 From my own experience, I begin to doubt most 
 potently of the authenticity of many of Homer's 
 stories. I verily believe that when he had once 
 
320 HISTORY OF 
 
 launched one of his favourite heroes among a crowd 
 of the enemy, he cut down many an honest fellow, 
 without any authority for so doing-, excepting that he 
 presented a fair mark and that often a poor devil 
 was sent to grim Pluto's domains, merely because he 
 had a name that would give a sounding turn to a 
 period. But I disclaim all such unprincipled liberties 
 let me but have truth and the law on my side, and 
 no man would fight harder than myself; but since the 
 various records I consulted did not warrant it, I had 
 too much conscience to kill a single soldier. By St. 
 Nicholas, but it would have been a pretty piece of 
 business. My enemies, the critics, who I foresee will 
 be ready enough to lay any crime they can discover at 
 my door, might have charged me with murder out- 
 right ; arid I should have esteemed myself lucky to 
 escape with no harsher verdict than manslaughter. 
 
 And now, gentle reader, that we are tranquilly 
 sitting down here, smoking our pipes, permit me to 
 indulge in a melancholy reflection which at this mo- 
 ment passes across my mind. How vain, how fleet- 
 ing, how uncertain, are all those gaudy bubbles after 
 wjiich we are panting and toiling in this world of fair 
 delusions. The wealth which the miser has amassed 
 with so many weary days, so many sleepless nights, a 
 spendthrift heir may squander away in joyless prodi- 
 gality. The noblest monuments which pride has ever 
 reared to perpetuate a name, the hand of time will 
 shortly tumble into ruins ; and even the brightest 
 laurels, gained by feats of arms, may wither and be 
 for ever blighted by the chilling neglect of mankind. 
 " How many illustrious heroes," says the good Boetius, 
 " who were once the pride and glory of the age, hath 
 the silence of historians buried in eternal oblivion ! " 
 And this it was that induced the Spartans, when they 
 went to battle, solemnly to sacrifice to the muses, 
 
NEW YORK- 321 
 
 supplicating that their achievements should be wor- 
 thily recorded. Had not Homer tuned his lofty lyre, 
 observes the elegant Cicero, the valour of Achilles 
 had remainedtmsung. And such too, after all the toils 
 and perils he had braved, after all the gallant actions 
 he had achieved, such too had nearly been the fate of 
 the chivalric Peter Stuyvesant, but that I fortunately 
 stepped in, and engraved his name on the indelible 
 tablet of history, just as the caitiff Time was silently 
 brushing it away for ever ! 
 
 The more I reflect the more I am astonished at tine 
 important character of the historian. He is the sove- 
 reign censor, to decide upon the renown or infamy of 
 his fellow-men. He is the patron of kings and con- 
 querors, on whom it depends 'whether they shall live 
 in after ages, or be forgotten, as were their ancestors 
 before them. The tyrant may oppress while the 
 object of his tyranny exists ; but the historian pos- 
 sesses superior might, for his power extends even 
 beyond the grave. The shades of departed and long- 
 forgotten heroes anxiously bend down from above, 
 while he writes, watching each movement of his pen, 
 whether it shall pass by their names with neglect, 
 or inscribe them on the deathless page of renown. 
 Even the drop of ink that hangs trembling on his 
 pen, which he may either dash upon the floor, or 
 waste in idle scrawlings that very drop, which to 
 him is not worth the twentieth part of a farthing, may 
 be of incalculable value to some departed worthy 
 may elevate half a score, in one moment, to immor- 
 tality, who would have given worlds had they pos- 
 sessed them, to insure the glorious meed. 
 
 Let not my readers imagine, however, that I am 
 indulging in vain-glorious boastings, or am anxious to 
 blazon forth the importance of my tribe. On the 
 contrary, I shrink when I reflect on the awful respon- 
 
32:2 HISTORY OF 
 
 sibility we historians assume I shudder to think 
 what direful commotions and calamities we occasion 
 in the world I swear to thee, honest reader, as I 
 am a man, I weep at the very idea ! Why, let me 
 ask, are so many illustrious men daily tearing- them- 
 selves away from the embraces of their families 
 slighting the smiles of beauty despising the allure- 
 ments of fortune, and exposing themselves to the 
 miseries of war ? Why are kings desolating empires 
 and depopulating whole countries ? In short, what 
 induces all great men, of all ages and countries, to 
 commit so many victories and misdeeds, and inflict so 
 many miseries upon mankind and on themselves, but 
 the mere hope that some historian will kindly take 
 them into notice, and admit them into a corner of his 
 volume. For, in short, the mighty object of all their 
 toils, their hardships, and privations, is nothing but 
 
 immortal fame and what is immortal fame ! 
 
 why, half a page of dirty paper I Alas I alas ! 
 
 how humiliating the idea that the renown of so great 
 a man as Peter Stuyvesant should depend upon the 
 pen of so little a man as Diedrich Knickerbocker ! 
 
 And now, having refreshed ourselves after the 
 fatigues and perils of the field, it behoves us to return 
 once more to the scene of conflict, and inquire what 
 were the results of this renowned conquest. The 
 fortress of Christina being the fair metropolis, and 
 in a manner, the key to New Sweden, its capture 
 was speedily followed by the entire subjugation of 
 the province. This was not a little promoted by the 
 gallant and courteous deportment of the chivalric 
 Peter. Though a man terrible in battle, yet in the 
 hour of victory was he endued with a spirit generous, 
 merciful, and humane. He vaunted not over his 
 enemies, nor did he make defeat more galling by 
 unmanly insults ; for, like that mirror of knightly 
 
NEW YORK. 323 
 
 virtue, the renowned Paladin Orlando, he was more 
 anxious to do great actions than to talk of them after 
 they were done. He put no man to death ; ordered 
 no houses to be burnt down ; permitted no ravages to 
 be perpetrated on the property of the vanquished ; 
 and even gave one of his bravest officers a severe 
 admonition with his walking-staff, for having been 
 detected in the act of sacking a hen-roost. 
 
 He moreover issued a proclamation, inviting the 
 inhabitants to submit to the authority of their High 
 Mightinesses ; but declaring, with unexampled cle- 
 mency, that whoever refused should be lodged at the 
 public expense, in a goodly castle provided for the 
 purpose, and have an armed retinue to wait on them 
 in the bargain. In consequence of these beneficent 
 terms, about thirty Swedes stepped manfully forward 
 and took the oath of allegiance ; in reward for which 
 , they were graciously permitted to remain on the 
 banks of the Delaware, where their descendants reside 
 at this very day. But I am told by divers observant 
 travellers, that they have never been able to get over 
 the chapfallen looks of their ancestors, and do still 
 unaccountably transmit from father to son manifest 
 marks of the sound drubbing given them by the sturdy 
 Amsterdammers. 
 
 The whole country of New Sweden, having thus 
 yielded to the arms of the triumphant Peter, was 
 reduced to a colony called South River, and placed 
 under the superintendence of a lieutenant-governor ; 
 subject to the controul of the supreme government 
 at New Amsterdam. This great dignitary was called 
 Mynheer William Beekman, or rather Eeck-man, 
 who derived his surname, as did Ovidius Naso of 
 yore, for the lordly dimensions of his nose, which 
 projected from the centre of his countenance, like 
 the beak of a parrot. He was the great progenitor 
 
 Y2 
 
324 HISTORY OF 
 
 of the tribe of the Beekmans, one of the most ancient 
 and honourable families of the province, the members 
 of which do gratefully commemorate the origin of 
 their dignity, not as your noble families in England 
 would do, by having a glowing proboscis emblazoned 
 in their escutcheon, but by one and all wearing a 
 right goodly nose, stuck in the very middle of their 
 faces. 
 
 Thus was this perilous enterprise gloriously termi- 
 nated, with the loss of only two men : Wolfert Van 
 Home, a tall spare man, who was knocked overboard 
 by the boom of a sloop in a flaw of wind ; and fat 
 Brom Van Bummel, who was suddenly carried off by 
 an indigestion : both, however, were immortalised, as 
 having bravely fallen in the service of their country. 
 True it is, Peter Stuyvesant had one of his limbs 
 terribly fractured, being shattered to pieces in the act 
 of storming the fortress ; but as it was fortunately his 
 wooden leg, the wound was promptly and effectually 
 healed. 
 
 And now nothing remains to this branch of my 
 history, but to mention that this immaculate hero, and 
 his victorious army, returned joyously to the Man- 
 hattoes, marching under the shade of their laurels, as 
 did the followers of young Malcolm, under the moving 
 forest of Dunsinane. Thus did they make a solemn 
 and triumphant entry into New Amsterdam, bearing 
 with them the conquered Risingh, and the remnant 
 of his battered crew, who had refused allegiance. 
 For it appears that the gigantic Swede had only fallen 
 into a swound, at the end of the battle, from whence 
 he was speedily restored by a wholesome tweak of the 
 nose. 
 
 These captive heroes were lodged, according to the 
 promise of the governor, at the public expense, in a 
 fair spacious castle ; being the prison of state, of 
 
NEW YORK. 325 
 
 which Stoffel Brinkerhoff, the immortal conqueror of 
 Oyster Bay, was appointed governor ; and which has 
 ever since remained in the possession of his descend- 
 ants *. 
 
 It was a pleasant and goodly sight to witness the 
 joy of the people of New Amsterdam, at beholding 
 their warriors once more returned from this war in 
 the wilderness. The old women thronged round 
 Anthony Van Corlear, who gave the whole history of 
 the campaign with matchless accuracy ; saving that 
 he took the credit of fighting the whole battle himself, 
 and especially of vanquishing the stout Risingh, which 
 he considered himself as clearly entitled to, seeing 
 that it was effected by his own stone pottle. 
 
 The schoolmasters throughout the town gave holi- 
 day to their little urchins, who followed in droves 
 after the drums, with paper-caps on their heads, and 
 sticks in their breeches, thus taking the first lesson in 
 the art of war. As to the sturdy rabble, they thronged 
 at the heels of Peter Stuyvesant wherever he went, 
 waving their greasy hats in the air, and shouting 
 " Hard-koppig Piet for ever !" 
 
 It was, indeed, a day of roaring, rout, and jubilee. 
 A huge dinner was prepared at the Stadthouse in 
 honour of the conquerors, who were assembled in 
 one glorious constellation, the great and the little 
 luminaries of New Amsterdam. There were the 
 lordly schout and his obsequious deputy the burgo- 
 masters with their officious schepens at their elbows 
 the subaltern officers at the elbows of the schepens ; 
 and so on, to the lowest grade of illustrious hangers- 
 on of police ; every tag having his rag at his side, to 
 finish his pipe, drink off his heel-taps, and laugh at 
 
 * This castle, though very much altered and modernised, is still 
 in being, and stands at the corner of Pearl- street, facing Coentie's 
 
326 HISTORY OF 
 
 his flights of immortal dulness. In short, for a city- 
 feast is a city-feast all the world over, and has been a 
 city-feast ever since the creation ; the dinner went off 
 much the same as do our great corporation junketings, 
 and fourth of July banquets. Loads of fish, flesh, and 
 fowl were devoured, oceans of liquor drunk, thousands 
 of pipes smoked, and many a dull joke honoured with 
 much obstreperous fat-sided laughter. 
 
 I must not omit to mention, that to this far-famed 
 victory Peter Stuyvesant was indebted for another of 
 his many titles ; for so hugely delighted were the 
 honest burghers with his achievements, that they 
 unanimously honoured him with the name of Pieter 
 de Groodt, that is to say, Peter the Great, or, as it 
 was translated by the people of New Amsterdam, 
 Piet de Pig an appellation which he maintained 
 even unto the day of his death. 
 
 END OF BOOK SIXTH. 
 
NEW YORK. 327- 
 
 BOOK VII. 
 
 CONTAINING THE THIRD PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE HEAD- 
 STRONG HIS TROUBLES WITH THE BRITISH NATION ; AND THE 
 DECLINE AND FALL OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 How Peter Stuyvesant relieved the Sovereign People from the 
 Burthen of taking Care of the Nation with sundry Particulars 
 of his Conduct in Time of Peace. 
 
 THE history of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant fur- 
 nishes a melancholy picture of the incessant cares and 
 vexations inseparable from government ; and may 
 serve as a solemn warning to all who are ambitious of 
 attaining the seat of power. Though crowned with 
 victory, enriched by conquest, and returning in tri- 
 umph to his metropolis, his exultation was checked 
 by beholding the sad abuses that had taken place 
 during the short interval of his absence. 
 
 The populace, unfortunately for their own comfort, 
 had taken a deep draught of the intoxicating cup of 
 power, during the reign of William the Testy ; and 
 though, upon the accession of Peter Stuyvesant, they 
 felt, with a certain instinctive perception, which mobs 
 as well as cattle possess, that the reins of government 
 had passed into stronger hands ; yet could they not 
 help fretting, and chafing, and champing upon the 
 bit, in restive silence. 
 
 It seems by some strange and inscrutable fatality, 
 to be the destiny of most countries (and more espe- 
 
328 HISTORY OF 
 
 cially of your enlightened republics), always to be 
 governed by the most incompetent man in the nation ; 
 so that you will scarcely find an individual throughout 
 the whole community, but who will detect to you 
 innumerable errors in administration, and convince 
 you in the end, that had he been at the head of 
 affairs, matters would have gone on a thousand times 
 more prosperously. Strange ! that government, which 
 seems to be so generally understood, should invariably 
 be so erroneously administered strange, that the 
 talent of legislation, so prodigally bestowed, should be 
 denied to the only man in the nation to whose station 
 it is requisite ! 
 
 Thus it was in the present instance, not a man of 
 all the herd of pseudo-politicians in New Amsterdam, 
 but was an oracle on topics of state, and could have 
 directed public affairs incomparably better than Peter 
 Stuyvesant. But so severe was the old governor in 
 his disposition that he would never suffer one of the 
 multitude of able counsellors by whom he was sur- 
 rounded, to intrude his advice, and save the country 
 from destruction. 
 
 Scarcely, therefore, had he departed on his expe- 
 dition against the Swedes than the old factions of 
 Willfam Kieft's reign began to thrust their heads 
 above water, and to gather together in political meet- 
 ings, to discuss " the state of the nation." At these 
 assemblages the busy burgomasters and their officious 
 schepens made a very considerable figure. These 
 worthy dignitaries were no longer the fat, well-fed, 
 tranquil magistrates, that presided in the peaceful 
 days of Wouter Van Twiller. On the contrary, 
 being elected by the people, they formed in a manner 
 a sturdy bulwark between the mob and the admi- 
 nistration. They were great candidates for popularity, 
 and strenuous advocates for the rights of the rabble : 
 
NEW YORK. 329 
 
 resembling in disinterested zeal the wide-mouthed 
 tribunes of ancient Rome, or those virtuous patriots 
 of modern days, emphatically denominated " the 
 friends of the people." 
 
 Under the tuition of these profound politicians, it 
 is astonishing how suddenly enlightened the swinish 
 multitude became, in matters above their comprehen- 
 sions. Cobblers, tinkers, and tailors all at once felt 
 themselves inspired, like those religious idiots, in the 
 glorious times of monkish illumination ; and, without 
 iny previous study or experience, became instantly 
 capable of directing all the movements of government. 
 Nor must I neglect to mention a number of super- 
 annuated, wrong-headed old burghers, who had come 
 over when boys, in the crew of the Goede Vrouw, 
 and were held up as infallible oracles by the enlight- 
 ened rnob. To suppose that a man who had helped 
 to discover a country did not know how it ought to 
 be governed was preposterous in the extreme. It 
 would have been deemed as much a heresy as, at the 
 present day, to question the political talents and 
 universal infallibility of our old " heroes of 76 " and 
 to doubt that he who had fought for a government, 
 however stupid he might naturally be, was not com- 
 petent to fill any station under it. 
 
 But as Peter Stuyvesant had a singular inclination 
 to govern his province without the assistance of his 
 subjects, he felt highly incensed on his return to find 
 the factious appearance they had assumed during his 
 absence. His first measure, therefore, was to restore 
 perfect order by prostrating the dignity of the sove- 
 reign people. 
 
 He accordingly watched his opportunity, and one 
 evening, when the enlightened mob was gathered 
 together, listening to a patriotic speech from an in- 
 spired cobbler, the intrepid Peter, like his great 
 
330 HISTORY OF 
 
 namesake of all the Russias, all at once appeared 
 among them, with a countenance sufficient to petrify 
 a millstone. The whole meeting was thrown into 
 consternation the orator seemed to have received a 
 paralytic stroke in the very middle of a sublime sen- 
 tence, and stood aghast with open mouth and trem- 
 bling knees, whilst the words horror ! tyranny ! 
 liberty I rights I taxes ! death ! destruction ! and a 
 deluge of other patriotic phrases came roaring from 
 his throat, before he had power to close his lips. 
 The shrewd Peter took no notice of the skulking 
 throng around him, but advancing to the brawling 
 bully ruffian, and drawing out a huge silver watch, 
 which might have served in times of yore as a town- 
 clock, and which is still retained by his descendants 
 as a family curiosity, requested the orator to mend it 
 and set it going. The orator humbly confessed it 
 was utterly out of his power, as he was unacquainted 
 with the nature of its construction. " Nay, but," said 
 Peter, " try your ingenuity, man : you see all the 
 springs and wheels, and how easily the clumsiest 
 hand may stop it, and pull it to pieces ; and why 
 should it not be equally easy to regulate as to stop 
 it?" The orator declared that his trade was wholly 
 different, he was a poor cobbler, and had never med'- 
 dled with a watch in his life. That there were men 
 skilled in the art, whose business it was to attend to 
 those matters ; but for his part, he should only mar 
 the workmanship, and put the whole in confusion 
 "Why, harkee, master of mine," cried Peter, turning 
 suddenly upon him, with a countenance that almost 
 petrified the patcher of shoes into a perfect lapstone 
 " dost thou pretend to meddle with the movements 
 of government to regulate and correct, and patch, 
 and cobble a complicated machine, the principles of 
 which are above thy comprehension, and its simplest 
 
NEW YORK. 331 
 
 operations too subtle for thy understanding, when 
 thou canst not correct a trifling- error in a common 
 piece of mechanism, the whole mystery of which is 
 open to thy inspection? Hence with thee to the 
 leather and stone, which are emblems of thy head ; 
 cobble thy shoes, and confine thyself to the vocation 
 for which heaven has fitted thee But," elevating his 
 voice until it made the welkin ring, " if ever I catch 
 thee, or any of thy tribe, meddling again with the 
 affairs of government by St. Nicholas, but I'll have 
 every mother's bastard of ye flayed alive, and your 
 hides stretched for drum-heads, that ye may thence- 
 forth make a noise to some purpose ! " 
 
 This threat, and the tremendous voice in which it 
 was uttered, caused the whole multitude to quake with 
 fear. The hair of the orator rose on his head like his 
 own swine's bristles, and not a knight of the thimble 
 present but his heart died within him, and he felt as 
 though he could have verily escaped through, the eye 
 of a needle. 
 
 But though this measure produced the desired effect 
 in reducing the community to order, yet it tended to 
 injure the popularity of the great Peter among the 
 enlightened vulgar. Many accused him of entertain- 
 ing highly aristocratic sentiments, and of leaning too 
 much in favour of the patricians. Indeed there 
 appeared to be some grounds for such an accusation, 
 as he always carried himself with a very lofty sol- 
 dier-like port, and was somewhat particular in his 
 dress ; dressing himself, when not in uniform, in 
 simple but rich apparel ; and was especially noted for 
 having his sound leg (which was a very comely one) 
 always arrayed in a red stocking and high-heeled shoe. 
 Though a man of great simplicity of manners, yet 
 there was something about him that repelled rude 
 
 
332 HISTORY OF 
 
 familiarity, while it encouraged frank, and even social 
 intercourse. 
 
 He likewise observed some appearance of court 
 ceremony and etiquette. He received the common 
 class of visiters on the stoop * before his door, 
 according to the custom of our Dutch ancestors. 
 But when visiters were formally received in his par- 
 lour, it was expected they would appear in clean linen ; 
 by no means to be barefooted, and always to take 
 their hats off. On public occasions he appeared with 
 great pomp of equipage, (for, in truth, his station 
 required a little show and dignity), and always rode 
 to church in a yellow wagon with flaming red wheels. 
 
 These symptoms of state and ceremony occasioned 
 considerable discontent among the vulgar. They had 
 been accustomed to find easy access to their former 
 governors, and in particular had lived on terms of 
 extreme familiarity with William the Testy. They 
 therefore were very impatient of these dignified pre- 
 cautions, which discouraged intrusion. But Peter 
 Stuyvesant had his own way of thinking in these 
 matters, and was a staunch upholder of the dignity of 
 office. 
 
 He always maintained that government to be the 
 least popular, which is most open to popular access 
 and controul : and that the very brawlers against court 
 ceremony, and the reserve of men in power, would 
 soon despise rulers among whom they found even 
 themselves to be of consequence. Such, at least, had 
 been the case with the administration of William the 
 Testy ; who, bent on making himself popular, had 
 listened to every man's advice, suffered every body 
 to have admittance to his person at all hours ; and, in 
 
 * Properly spelled stoeb : the porch commonly built in front 
 of Dutch houses, with benches on each side. 
 
NEW YORK. 833 
 
 a word, treated every one as his thorough equal. By 
 this means every scrub politician and public busybody 
 was enabled to measure wits with him, and to find out 
 the true dimensions, not only of his person, but his 
 mind And what great man can stand such scrutiny ? 
 
 It is the mystery that envelops great men, that 
 gives them half their greatness. We are always 
 inclined to think highly of those who hold themselves 
 aloof from our examination. There is likewise a kind 
 of superstitious reverence for office, which leads us to 
 exaggerate the merits and abilities of men in power, 
 and to suppose that they must be constituted different 
 from other men. And, indeed, faith is as necessary 
 in politics as in religion. It certainly is of the first 
 importance, that a country should be governed by wise 
 men ; but then it is almost equally important, that the 
 people should believe them to be wise ; for this belief 
 alone can produce willing subordination. 
 
 To keep up, therefore, this desirable confidence in 
 rulers, the people should be allowed to see as little of 
 them as possible. He who gains access to cabinets 
 soon finds out by what foolishness the world is 
 governed. He discovers that there is quackery in 
 legislation, as well as in every thing else ; that many 
 a measure, which is supposed by the million to be the 
 result of great wisdom and deep deliberation, is the 
 effect of mere chance, or perhaps of hair-brained expe- 
 riment. That rulers have their whims and errors as 
 well as other men, and after all are not so wonder- 
 fully superior to their fellow-creatures as he at first 
 imagined ; since he finds that even his own opinions 
 have had some weight with them. Thus awe subsides 
 into confidence, confidence inspires familiarity, and 
 familiarity produces contempt. Peter Stuyvesant, on 
 the contrary, by conducting himself with dignity and 
 loftiness, was looked up to with great reverence. As 
 
334 HISTORY OF 
 
 he never gave his reasons for any thing- he did ; the 
 public always gave him credit for very profound ones. 
 Every movement, however intrinsically unimportant, 
 was a matter of speculation ; and his very red stock- 
 ing excited some respect, as being different from the 
 stockings of other men. 
 
 To these times may we refer the rise of family 
 pride and aristocratic distinctions * ; and indeed I 
 cannot but look back with reverence to the early 
 planting of those mighty Dutch families, which have 
 taken such vigorous root, and branched out so luxu- 
 riantly in our state. The blood which has flowed 
 down uncontaminated through a succession of steady, 
 virtuous generations, since the times of the patriarchs 
 of Communipaw, must certainly be pure and worthy. 
 And if so, then are the Van Rensellaers, the Van 
 Zandts, the Van Homes, the Rutgers, the Ben sons, 
 the Brinkerhoffs, the Schermerhornes, and all the true 
 descendants of the ancient Pavonians, the only legiti- 
 mate nobility and real lords of the soil. 
 
 I have been led to mention thus particularly the 
 well authenticated claims of our genuine Dutch fami- 
 lies, because I have noticed with great sorrow and 
 vexation, that they have been somewhat elbowed aside 
 in latter days, by foreign intruders. It is really 
 astonishing to behold how many great families have 
 sprung up of late years, who pride themselves exces- 
 sively on the score of ancestry. Thus he who can 
 look up to his father without humiliation assumes not 
 a little importance he who can safely talk of his 
 
 * In a work published many years after the time here treated 
 of (in 1701, by C. W. A. M.) it is mentioned that Frederick 
 Philipse was counted the richest Mynheer in New York, and was 
 said to have whole hogsheads of Indian money or wampum ; and 
 had a son and daughter, who, according to the Dutch custom, should 
 divide it equally. 
 
NEW YORK. 335 
 
 grandfather is still more vainglorious but he who 
 can look back to his great grandfather without blush- 
 ing is absolutely intolerable in his pretensions to 
 family. Bless us ! what a piece of work is here, 
 between these mushrooms of an hour and these 
 mushrooms of a day I 
 
 But from what I have recounted in the former part 
 of this chapter, I would not have my reader imagine 
 that the great Peter was a tyrannical governor, ruling 
 his subjects with a rod of iron on the contrary, 
 where the dignity of authority was not implicated, he 
 abounded with generosity and courteous condescension. 
 In fact he really believed, though I fear my more 
 enlightened republican readers will consider it a proof 
 of his ignorance" and illiberality, that in preventing 
 the cup of social life from being dashed with the 
 intoxicating ingredient of politics, he promoted the 
 tranquillity and happiness of the people and by de- 
 taching their minds from subjects which they could 
 not understand, and which only tended to inflame 
 their passions, he enabled them to attend more faith- 
 fully and industriously to their proper callings ; 
 becoming more useful citizens and more attentive to 
 their families and fortunes. 
 
 So far from having any unreasonable austerity, he 
 delighted to see the poor and the labouring man 
 rejoice, and for this purpose was a great promoter of 
 holidays and public amusements. Under his reign 
 was first introduced the custom of cracking eggs at 
 Paas or Easter. New-year's Day was also observed 
 with extravagant festivity and ushered in by the 
 ringing of bells and firing of guns. Every house was 
 a temple to the jolly god. Oceans of cherry brandy, 
 true Hollands, and mulled cider, were set afloat on 
 the occasion ; and not a poor man in town but made 
 it a point to get drunk, out of a principle of pure 
 
336 HISTORY OF 
 
 economy taking in liquor enough to serve him for 
 half a year afterwards. 
 
 It would have done one's heart good also to have 
 seen the valiant Peter, seated among the old burghers 
 and their, wives of a Saturday afternoon, under the 
 great trees that spread their shade over the Battery, 
 watching the young men and women as they danced 
 on the green. Here he would smoke his pipe, crack 
 his joke, and forget the rugged toils of war in the 
 sweet oblivious festivities of peace. He would occa- 
 sionally give a nod of approbation to those of the 
 young men who shuffled and kicked most vigourously, 
 and now and then give a hearty smack, in all honesty 
 of soul, to the buxom lass that held out longest, and 
 tired down all her competitors, which he considered as 
 infallible proofs of her being the best dancer. Once 
 it is true the harmony of the meeting was rather 
 interrupted. A young vrouw, of great figure in the 
 gay world, and who, having lately come from Holland, 
 of course led the fashions in the city, made her appear- 
 ance in not more than half a dozen petticoats, and 
 these too of most alarming shortness. A universal 
 whisper ran through the assembly ; the old ladies all 
 felt shocked in the extreme, the young ladies blushed 
 and felt excessively for the " poor thing," and even 
 the governor himself was observed to be a little 
 troubled in mind. To complete the astonishment of 
 the good folks, she undertook, in the course of a jig, 
 to describe some astonishing figures in algebra, which 
 she had learned from a dancing master in Rotterdam. 
 Whether she was too animated in flourishing her 
 feet, or whether some vagabond Zephyr took the 
 liberty of obtruding his services, certain it is, that in 
 the course of a grand evolution which would not have 
 disgraced a modern ball room, she made a most unex- 
 pected display whereat the whole assembly was 
 
NEW YORK. 337 
 
 thrown into great admiration, several grave country 
 members were not a little moved, and the good Peter 
 himself, who was a man of unparalleled modesty, felt 
 himself grievously scandalised. 
 
 The shortness of the female dresses, which had 
 continued in fashion ever since the days of William 
 Kieft, had long offended his eye ; and though extremely 
 averse to meddling with the petticoats of the ladies, 
 yet he immediately recommended that every one 
 should be furnished with a flounce to the bottom. 
 He likewise ordered that the. ladies, and indeed the 
 gentlemen, should use no other step in dancing than 
 shuffle and turn, and double trouble; and forbade, 
 under pain of his high displeasure, any young lady 
 thenceforth to attempt what was termed, " exhibiting 
 the graces." 
 
 These were the only restrictions he ever imposed 
 upon the sex ; and these were considered by them as 
 tyrannical oppressions, and resisted with that becom- 
 ing spirit always manifested by the gentle sex whenever 
 their privileges are invaded. In fact, Peter Stuyvesant 
 plainly perceived, that if he attempted to push the 
 matter any further, there was danger of their leaving 
 off petticoats altogether ; so, like a wise man experi- 
 enced in the ways of women, he held his peace, and 
 suffered them ever after to wear their petticoats and 
 cut their capers as high as they pleased. 
 
338 HISTORY OF 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 How Peter Stuyvesant was much molested by the Moss-Troopers 
 of the East, and the Giants of Merry-land ; and how a dark and 
 horrid Conspiracy was carried on in the British Cabinet against 
 the Prosperity of the Manhattoes. 
 
 WE are now approaching towards the crisis of our 
 work, and if I be not mistaken in my forebodings, we 
 shall have a world of business to despatch in the 
 ensuing chapters. 
 
 It is with some communities as it is with certain 
 meddlesome individuals, they have a wonderful facility 
 at getting into scrapes ; and I have always remarked, 
 that those are most liable to get in who have the least 
 talent at getting out again. This is, doubtless, owing 
 to the excessive valour of those states ; for I have 
 likewise noticed, that this rampant and ungovernable 
 quality is always most unruly when most confined, 
 which accounts for its vapouring so amazingly in 
 little states, little men, and ugly little women more 
 especially. 
 
 Thus, when one reflects that the province of the 
 Manhattoes, though of prodigious importance in the 
 eyes of its inhabitants and its historian, was really 
 of no very great consequence in the eyes of the rest 
 of the world ; that it had but little wealth or other 
 spoils to reward the trouble of assailing it, and that it 
 had nothing to expect from running wantonly into war, 
 save an exceeding good beating ; on pondering these 
 things, I say, one would utterly despair of finding in 
 its history either battle or bloodshed, or any other of 
 those calamities which give importance to a nation, 
 and entertainment to the reader. But, on the con- 
 trary, we find, so valiant is this province that it has 
 already drawn upon itself a host of enemies ; has had 
 
NEW YORK. 339 
 
 as many bufferings as would gratify the ambition of 
 the most warlike nation ; and is, in sober sadness, a 
 very forlorn, distressed, and wo-begone little pro- 
 vince ! all which was, no doubt, kindly ordered by 
 providence, to give interest and sublimity to this 
 pathetic history. 
 
 But I forbear to enter into a detail of the pitiful 
 maraudings and harassments that, for a long while 
 after the victory on the Delaware, continued to insult 
 the dignity, and disturb the repose, of the Neder- 
 landers. Suffice it in brevity to say, that the impla- 
 cable hostility of the people of the east, which had so 
 miraculously been prevented from breaking out, as 
 my readers must remember, by the sudden prevalence 
 of witchcraft, and the dissensions in the council of 
 Amphictyons, now again displayed itself in a thousand 
 grievous and bitter scourings upon the borders. 
 
 Scarcely a month passed but what the Dutch settle- 
 ments on the frontiers were alarmed by the sudden 
 appearance of an invading army from Connecticut, 
 This would advance resolutely through the country, 
 like a puissant caravan of the deserts, the women and 
 children mounted in carts loaded with pots and ket- 
 tles, as though they meant to boil the honest Dutch- 
 men alive, and devour them like so many lobsters, 
 At the tail of these carts would stalk a crew of long- 
 limbed, lanksided varlets, with axes on their shoulders, 
 and packs on their backs, resolutely bent upon im- 
 proving the country in despite of its proprietors. 
 These, settling themselves down, would in a short time 
 completely dislodge the unfortunate Nederlanders, 
 elbowing them out of those rich bottoms and fertile 
 valleys in which our Dutch yeomanry are so famous 
 for nestling themselves ; for it is notorious, that 
 wherever these shrewd men of the east get a footing, 
 the honest Dutchmen do gradually disappear, retiring 
 z 2 
 
340 HISTORY OF 
 
 slowly, like the Indians before the Whites, being 
 totally discomfited by the talking, chaffering, swapping, 
 bargaining disposition of their new neighbours. 
 
 All these audacious infringements on the territories 
 of their High Mightinesses were accompanied, as has 
 before been hinted, by a world of rascally brawls, rib- 
 roastings, and bundlings, which would doubtless have 
 incensed the valiant Peter to wreak immediate chas- 
 tisement, had he not at the very same time been 
 perplexed by distressing accounts from Mynheer Beck- 
 man, who commanded the territories at South River. 
 
 The restless Swedes, who had so graciously been 
 suffered to remain about the Delaware, already began 
 to show signs of mutiny and disaffection. But what 
 was worse, a peremptory claim was laid to the whole 
 territory, as the rightful property of Lord Baltimore, 
 by Fendal, a chieftain who lived over the colony of 
 Maryland, or Merry-land, as it was anciently called, 
 because the inhabitants, not having the fear of the 
 Lord before their eyes, were notoriously prone to get 
 fuddled and make merry with mint-julep and apple- 
 toddy. Nay, so hostile was this bully Fendal, that he 
 threatened, unless his claim was instantly complied 
 with, to march incontinently at the head of a potent 
 force of the roaring boys of Merry-land, together with 
 a great and mighty train of giants, who infested the 
 banks of the Susquehannah * ; and to lay waste and 
 depopulate the whole country of South River. 
 
 * We find very curious and wonderful accounts of these strange 
 people (who were doubtless the ancestors of the present Mary- 
 landers) made by Master Harlot, in his interesting history. " The 
 Susquesahanocks," observes he, " are a giantly people, strange in 
 proportion, behaviour, and attire ; their voice sounding from them 
 as if out of a cave. Their tobacco-pipes were three quarters of a 
 yard long, carved at the great end with a bird, beare, or other 
 device, sufficient to beat out the braines of a horse (and how many 
 asses' braines are beaten out, or rather men's braines smoked out^ 
 
NEW YORK. 341 
 
 By this it is manifest, that this boasted colony, like 
 all great acquisitions of territory, soon became a 
 greater evil to the conqueror than the loss of it was to 
 the conquered; and caused greater uneasiness and 
 trouble than all the territory of the New Netherlands 
 besides. Thus Providence wisely orders that one evil 
 shall balance another. The conqueror who wrests 
 the property of his neighbour, who wrongs a nation 
 and desolates a country, though he may acquire in- 
 crease of empire, and immortal fame, yet insures his 
 own inevitable punishment. He takes to himself a 
 cause of endless anxiety he incorporates with his late 
 sound domain a loose part a rotten, disaffected mem- 
 ber ; which is an exhaustless source of internal treason 
 and disunion, and external altercation and hostility. 
 Happy is that nation, which, compact, united, loyal in 
 all its parts, and concentrated in its strength, seeks no 
 idle acquisition of unprofitable and ungovernable terri- 
 tory which, content to be prosperous and happy, has 
 no ambition to be great. It is like a man well orga- 
 nised in all his system, sound in health, and full of 
 vigour ; unincumbered by useless trappings, and fixed 
 in an unshaken attitude. But the nation insatiable of 
 territory, whose domains are scattered, feebly united, 
 and weakly organised, is like a senseless miser sprawl- 
 ing among golden stores, open to every attack, and 
 unable to defend the riches he vainly endeavours to 
 overshadow. 
 
 At the time of receiving the alarming despatches 
 from South River, the great Peter was busily em- 
 ployed in quelling certain Indian troubles that had 
 broken out about Esopus, and was moreover medi- 
 
 and asses' braines haled in, by our lesser pipes at home). The 
 calfe of one of their legges was measured three quarters of ai yard 
 about, the rest of his limbs proportionable." 
 
 Master Harlot's Journ. Purch, Pil. 
 
842 HISTORY dF 
 
 tating how to relieve his eastern borders on the Connec- 
 ticut. He, however, sent word to Mynheer Beckman 
 to be of good heart, to maintain incessant vigilance, 
 and to let him know if matters wore a threatening 
 appearance ; in which case he would incontinently 
 repair with his warriors of the Hudson to spoil the 
 merriment of these Merry-landers; for he coveted 
 exceedingly to have a bout, hand to hand, with some 
 half a score of these giants having never encountered 
 a giant in his whole life, unless we may so call the 
 stout Risingh ; and he was but a little one. 
 
 Nothing further, however, occurred to molest the 
 tranquillity of Mynheer Beckman and his colony. 
 Fendal and his myrmidons remained at home, carous- 
 ing it soundly upon hoe-cakes, bacon, and mint-julep, 
 and running horses, and fighting cocks, for which they 
 were greatly renowned. At hearing of this Peter 
 Stuyvesant was very well pleased ; for, notwithstand- 
 ing his inclination to measure weapons with these 
 monstrous men of the Susquehannah, yet he had 
 already as much employment nearer home as he could 
 turn his hands to. Little did he think, worthy soul, 
 that this southern calm was but the deceitful prelude 
 to a most terrible and fatal storm, then brewing, which 
 was soon to burst forth and overwhelm the unsuspect- 
 ing city of New Amsterdam. 
 
 Now so it was, that while this excellent governor 
 was giving his little senate laws, and not only giving 
 them, but enforcing them too while he was incessantly 
 travelling the rounds of his beloved province posting 
 from place to place to redress grievances, and while 
 busy at one corner of his dominions all the rest getting 
 into an uproar. At this very time, I say, a dark and 
 direful plot was hatching against him, in that nursery 
 of monstrous projects, the British cabinet. The news 
 of his achievements on the Delaware, according to a 
 
NEW YORK. 343 
 
 Sage old historian of New Amsterdam, had occasioned 
 not a little talk and marvel in the courts of Europe. 
 And the same profound writer assures us that the 
 cabinet of England began to entertain great jealousy 
 and uneasiness at the increasing power of the Man- 
 hattoes, and the valour of its sturdy yeomanry. 
 
 Agents, the historian observes, were sent by the 
 Amphictyonic council of the east, to entreat the 
 assistance of the British cabinet in subjugating this 
 mighty province. Lord Sterling also asserted his 
 right to Long-Island ; and, at the same time, Lord 
 Baltimore, whose agent, as has before been mentioned, 
 had so alarmed Mynheer Beckman, laid his claim be- 
 fore the cabinet, to the lands of South River, which he 
 complained were unjustly and forcibly detained from 
 him by these daring usurpers of the Nieuw Neder- 
 landts. 
 
 Thus did the unlucky empire of tire Manhattoes 
 stand in imminent danger of experiencing the fate of 
 Poland, and being torn limb from limb to be shared 
 among its savage neighbours. But while these rapa- 
 cious powers wre whetting their fangs, and waiting 
 for the signal to fall tooth and nail upon this delicious 
 little fat Dutch empire, the lordly lion, who sat as umpire, 
 all at once laid his mighty paw upon the spoil, and 
 settled the claims of all parties, by granting none of 
 them. For we are told, that his majesty, Charles the 
 Second, not to be perplexed by adjusting these several 
 pretensions, made a present of a large tract of North 
 America, including the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, 
 to his brother, the Duke of York a donation truly 
 royal, since none but great monarchs have a right to 
 give away what does not belong to them. 
 
 That this munificent gift might not be merely 
 nominal, his majesty, on the 12th of March, 1664, 
 ordered that an armament should be forthwith prepared, 
 
344 HISTORY OF 
 
 to invade the city of New Amsterdam by land and 
 water, and put his brother in complete possession of 
 the premises. 
 
 Thus critically are situated the affairs of the New 
 Netherlanders. The honest burghers, so far from 
 thinking of the jeopardy in which their interests are 
 placed, are soberly smoking their pipes, and thinking 
 of nothing at all the privy councillors of the province 
 are at this moment snoring in full quorum, like the 
 drones of five hundred bagpipes ; while the active 
 Peter, who takes all the labour of thinking and acting 
 upon himself, is busily devising some method of bring- 
 ing the grand council of Amphictyons to terms. In 
 the meanwhile an angry cloud is darkly scowling on 
 the horizon soon shall it rattle about the ears of these 
 dozing Nederlanders, and put the mettle of their stout- 
 hearted governor completely to the trial. 
 
 But come what may, I here pledge my veracity that 
 in all warlike conflicts and subtle perplexities, he shall 
 still acquit himself with the gallant bearing and spot- 
 less honour of a noble-minded obstinate old cavalier. 
 Forward, then, to the charge ! shine out, propitious 
 stars, on the renowned city of the Manhattoes ; and 
 may the blessings of St. Nicholas go with thee honest 
 Peter Stuyvesant ! 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Of Peter Stuyvesant' s Expedition into the East Country ; showing 
 that, though an old Bird, he did not understand Trap. 
 
 GREAT nations resemble great men in this particular, 
 that their greatness is seldom known until they get in 
 trouble ; adversity, therefore, has been wisely deno- 
 minated the ordeal of true greatness, which, like gold, 
 
NEW YORK. 345 
 
 can never receive its real estimation until it has passed 
 through the furnace. In proportion, therefore, as a 
 nation, a community, or an individual (possessing the 
 inherent quality of greatness) is involved in perils and 
 misfortunes, in proportion does it rise in grandeur 
 and even when sinking under calamity, makes, like a 
 house on fire, a more glorious display than ever it did 
 in the fairest period of its prosperity. 
 
 The vast empire of China, though teeming with po- 
 pulation, and imbibing and concentrating the wealth of 
 nations, has vegetated through a succession of drowsy 
 ages ; and were it not for its internal revolution, and 
 the subversion of its ancient government by the 
 Tartars, might have presented nothing but an unin- 
 teresting detail of dull, monotonous prosperity. 
 Pompeii and Herculaneum might have passed into 
 oblivion, with a herd of their contemporaries, had they 
 not been fortunately overwhelmed with a volcano. 
 The renowned city of Troy has acquired celebrity only 
 from its ten years' distress and final conflagration ; 
 Paris rises in importance by the plots and massacres 
 which have ended in the exaltation of the illustrious 
 Napoleon ; and even the mighty London itself has 
 skulked through the records of time, celebrated for 
 nothing of moment, excepting the plague, the great 
 fire, and Guy Faux's gunpowder plot ! Thus cities 
 and empires seem to creep along-, enlarging in silent 
 obscurity under the pen of the historian, until at length 
 they burst forth in some tremendous calamity, and 
 snatch, as it were, immortality from the explosion ! 
 
 The above principle being admitted, my reader will 
 plainly perceive that the city of New Amsterdam and 
 its dependent province are on the high road to great- 
 ness. Dangers and hostilities threaten from every 
 side, and it is really a matter of astonishment to me 
 how so small a state has been able, in so short a time, 
 
 
346 HISTORY OF 
 
 to entangle itself in so many difficulties. Ever since 
 the province was first taken by the nose, at the Fort of 
 Good Hope, in the tranquil days of Wouter Van 
 Twiller, has it been gradually increasing in historic 
 importance ; and never could it have had a more 
 appropriate chieftain to conduct it to the pinnacle of 
 grandeur than Peter Stuyvesant. 
 
 In the fiery heart of this iron -headed old warrior 
 sat enthroned all those five kinds of courage described 
 by Aristotle ; and had the philosopher mentioned five 
 hundred more to the back of them, I verily believe, 
 he would have been found master of them all. The 
 only misfortune was, that he was deficient in the better 
 part of valour, called discretion, a cold-blooded virtue 
 which could not exist in the tropical climate of his 
 mighty soul. Hence it was, he was continually hurry- 
 ing into those unheard of enterprises that give an air 
 of chivalric romance to all his history ; and hence it 
 was, that he now conceived a project worthy of the 
 hero of La Mancha himself. 
 
 This was no other than to repair in person to the 
 great council of the Amphictyons, bearing the sword 
 in one hand, and the olive branch in the other, to 
 require immediate reparation for the innumerable 
 violations of that treaty, which, in an evil hour, he 
 had formed ; to put a stop to those repeated maraud- 
 ings on the eastern borders ; or else to throw his 
 gauntlet, and appeal to arms for satisfaction. 
 
 On declaring this resolution in his privy council, 
 the venerable members were seized with vast astonish- 
 ment : for once in their lives they ventured to remon- 
 strate, setting forth the rashness of exposing his 
 sacred person in the midst of a strange and barbarous 
 people, with sundry other weighty remonstrances all 
 which had about as much influence upon the deter- 
 mination of the headstrong Peter, as though you were 
 
NEW YORK. 347 
 
 to endeavour to turn a rusty weathercock with a 
 broken-winded bellows. 
 
 Summoning-, therefore, to his presence his trusty 
 follower, Anthony Van Corlear, he commanded him 
 to hold himself in readiness to accompany him the 
 following morning on this his hazardous enterprise. 
 Now Anthony, the trumpeter, was a little stricken in 
 years, yet by dint of keeping up a good heart, and 
 having never known care or sorrow (having never 
 been married), he was still a hearty, jocund, rubicund, 
 gamesome wag, and of great capacity in the doublet. 
 This last was ascribed to his living a jolly life on those 
 domains at the Hook, which Peter Stuyvesant had 
 granted to him for his gallantry at Fort Casimir. 
 
 Be this as it may, there was nothing that more 
 delighted Anthony than this command of the great 
 Peter ; for he could have followed the stout-hearted 
 old governor to the world's end, with love and loyalty ; 
 and he moreover still remembered the frolicking, and 
 dancing, and bundling, and other disports of the east 
 country ; and entertained daily recollection of nume- 
 rous kind and buxom lasses, whom he longed exceed- 
 ingly again to encounter. 
 
 Thus, then, did this mirror of hardihood set forth, 
 with no other attendant but his trumpeter, upon one 
 of the most perilous enterprises ever recorded in the 
 annals of knight-errantry. For a single warrior to 
 venture openly among a whole nation of foes ; but, 
 above all, for a plain, downright Dutchman to think of 
 negociating with the whole council of New England 
 never was there known a more desperate undertaking ! 
 Ever since I have entered upon the chronicles of this 
 peerless, but hitherto uncelebrated chieftain, has he 
 kept me in a state of incessant action and anxiety 
 with the toils and dangers he is constantly encoun- 
 Oh I for a chapter of the tranquil reign of 
 
348 HISTORY OF 
 
 Wouter Van Twillcr, that 1 might repose on it as on 
 a feather bed ! 
 
 Is it not enough, Peter Stuyvesant, that I have once 
 already rescued thee from the machinations of these 
 terrible Amphictyons, by bringing the whole powers 
 of witchcraft to thine aid ? Is it not enough, that I 
 have followed thee undaunted, like a guardian spirit, 
 into the midst of the horrid battle of Fort Christina ? 
 That I have been put incessantly to my trumps to 
 keep thee safe and sound now warding off with my 
 single pen the shower of dastard blows that fell upon 
 thy rear now narrowly shielding thee from a deadly 
 thrust, by a mere tobacco-box now casing thy daunt- 
 less skull with adamant, when even thy stubborn 
 ram-beaver failed to resist the sword of the stout 
 Risingh and now, not merely bringing thee off alive, 
 but triumphant, from the clutches of the gigantic 
 Swede, by the desperate means of a paltry stone 
 pottle ? Is not all this enough, but must thou still 
 be plunging into new difficulties, and jeopardising in 
 headlong enterprises thyself, thy trumpeter, and thy 
 historian ? 
 
 And now the ruddy-faced Aurora, like a buxom 
 chambermaid, draws aside the sable curtains of the 
 night, and out bounces from his bed the jolly red- 
 haired Phcebus, startled at being caught so late in the 
 embraces of Dame Thetis. With many a stable oath, 
 he harnessed his brazen-footed steeds, and whips and 
 lashes, and splashes up the firmament, like a loitering 
 post-boy, half an hour behind his time. And now 
 behold that imp of fame and prowess, the headstrong 
 Peter, bestriding a raw-boned, switch-tailed charger, 
 gallantly arrayed in full regimentals, and bracing on 
 his thigh that trusty brass-hiked sword which had 
 wrought such fearful deeds on the banks of the 
 Delaware. 
 
NEW YORK. . 349 
 
 Behold, hard after him, his doughty trumpeter, Van 
 Corlear, mounted on a broken-winded, wall-eyed, 
 calico mare ; his stone pottle, which had laid low the 
 mighty Risingh, slung under his arm, and his trumpet 
 displayed vauntingly in his right hand, decorated with 
 a gorgeous banner, on which is emblazoned the great 
 beaver of the Manhattoes. See them proudly issuing* 
 out of the city-gate, like an iron-clad hero of yore, 
 with his faithful squire at his heels, the populace fol- 
 lowing them with their eyes, and shouting many 
 
 a parting wish, and hearty cheering. Farewell, 
 
 Hard-koppig Piet ! Farewell, honest Anthony ! 
 Pleasant be your wayfaring prosperous your return ! 
 The stoutest hero that ever drew a sword, and the 
 worthiest trumpeter that ever trod shoe leather. 
 
 Legends are lamentably silent about the events that 
 befel our adventurers in this their adventurous travel, 
 excepting the Stuyvesant manuscript, which gives the 
 substance of a pleasant little heroic poem, written on 
 the occasion by Domini TEgidius Luyck *, who appears 
 to have been the poet-laureate of New Amsterdam. 
 This inestimable manuscript assures us, that it was a 
 rare spectacle to behold the great Peter, and his loyal 
 follower, hailing the morning sun, and rejoicing in the 
 clear countenance of nature, as they pranced it through 
 the pastoral scenes of Bloemen Dael t ; which, in 
 those days, was a sweet and rural valley, beautified 
 with many a bright wild flower, refreshed by many a 
 pure streamlet, and enlivened here and there by a 
 delectable little Dutch cottage, sheltering under some 
 sloping hill, and almost buried in embowering trees. 
 
 * This Luyck was, moreover, rector of the Latin school in 
 
 Nieuw Nederlandts, 1663. There are two pieces of JEgidius 
 
 Luyck in D. Selyn's MSS. of poesies, upon his marriage \vitix 
 
 Judith Isendoorn. Old MS. 
 
 f Now called Blooming Dale, about four miles from New York. 
 
350 HISTORY OF 
 
 Now did they enter upon the confines of Connecticut, 
 where they encountered many grievous difficulties and 
 perils. At one place they were assailed by a troop of 
 country squires and militia colonels, who, mounted on 
 goodly steeds, hung upon their rear for several miles, 
 harassing them exceedingly with guesses and questions, 
 more especially the worthy Peter, whose silver-chased 
 leg excited not a little marvel. At another place, 
 hard by the renowned town of Stamford, they were 
 set upon by a great and mighty legion of church 
 deacons, who imperiously demanded of them five 
 shillings for travelling on Sunday, and threatened to 
 carry them captive to a neighbouring church, whose 
 steeple peered above the trees ; but these the valiant 
 Peter put to rout with little difficulty, insomuch that 
 they bestrode their canes and galloped off in horrible 
 confusion, leaving their cocked hats behind in the hurry 
 of their flight. But not so easily did he escape from the 
 hands of a crafty man of Pyquag ; who, with undaunted 
 perseverance, and repeated onsets, fairly bargained 
 him out of his goodly switch-tailed charger, leaving 
 him in place thereof a villanous, spavined, foundered 
 Narraganset pacer. 
 
 But, maugre all these hardships, they pursued their 
 journey cheerily along the course of the soft flowing 
 Connecticut, whose gentle waves, says the song, roll 
 through many a fertile vale and sunny plain ; now 
 reflecting the lofty spires of the bustling city, and now 
 the rural beauties of the humble hamlet ; now echoing 
 with the busy hum of commerce, and now with the 
 cheerful song of the peasant. 
 
 At every town would Peter Stuyvesant, who was 
 noted for warlike punctilio, order the sturdy Anthony 
 to sound a courteous salutation ; though the manuscript 
 observes, that the inhabitants were thrown into great 
 dismay when they heard of his approach. For the 
 
NEW YORK. 351 
 
 fame of his incomparable achievements on the Dela- 
 ware had spread throughout the east country, and 
 they dreaded lest he had come to take vengeance on 
 their manifold transgressions. 
 
 But the good Peter rode through these towns with 
 a smiling aspect ; waving his hand with inexpressible 
 majesty and condescension ; for he verily believed that 
 the old clothes which these ingenious people had 
 thrust into their broken windows, and the festoons of 
 dried apples and peaches which ornamented the fronts 
 of their houses, were so many decorations in honour 
 of his approach ; as it was the custom in the days of 
 chivalry to compliment renowned heroes, by sumptuous 
 displays of tapestry and gorgeous furniture. The 
 women crowded to the doors to gaze upon him as he 
 passed, so much does prowess in arms delight the 
 gentle sex. The little children, too, ran after him in 
 troops, staring with wonder at his regimentals, his 
 brimstone breeches, and the silver garniture of his 
 wooden leg. Nor must I omit to mention the joy 
 which many strapping wenches betrayed, at beholding 
 the jovial Van Corlear, who had whilome delighted 
 them so much with his trumpet, when he bore the 
 great Peter's challenge to the Amphictyons. The 
 kind-hearted Anthony alighted from his calico mare, 
 and kissed them all with infinite lovingkindness and 
 was right pleased to see a crew of little trumpeters 
 crowding around him for his blessing ; each of whom 
 he patted on the head, bade him be a good boy, and 
 gave him a penny to buy molasses candy. 
 
 The Stuy vesant manuscript makes but little further 
 mention of the governor's adventures upon this expe- 
 dition, excepting that he was received with extrava- 
 gant courtesy and respect by the great council of the 
 Amphictyons, who almost talked him to death with 
 complimentary and congratulatory harangues. I will 
 not detain my readers by dwelling on his negociations 
 
352 HISTORY OF 
 
 with the grand council. Suffice it to mention, it was 
 like all other negociations a great deal was said and 
 very little done : one conversation led to another 
 one conference begat misunderstandings which it took 
 a dozen conferences to explain ; at the end of which 
 the parties found themselves just where they were at 
 first ; excepting that they had entangled themselves 
 in a host of questions of etiquette, and conceived a 
 cordial distrust of each other, that rendered their 
 future negociations ten times more difficult than 
 ever *. 
 
 In the midst of all these perplexities, which bewil- 
 dered the brain and incensed the ire of the sturdy 
 Peter, who was perhaps, of all men in the world, least 
 fitted for diplomatic wiles, he privately received the 
 first intimation of the dark conspiracy which had been 
 matured in the Cabinet of England. To this was 
 added the astounding intelligence that a hostile squad- 
 ron had already sailed from England, destined to re- 
 duce the province of New Netherlands, and that the 
 grand council of Amphictyons had engaged to co- 
 operate, by sending a great army to invade New 
 Amsterdam by land. 
 
 Unfortunate Peter ! did I not enter with sad fore- 
 bodings upon this ill-starred expedition ? Did I not 
 tremble when I saw thee, with no other counsellor but 
 thine own head with no other armour but an honest 
 tongue, a spotless conscience, and a rusty sword with 
 no other protector but St. Nicholas and no other 
 attendant but a trumpeter ? Did I not tremble when 
 I beheld thee thus sally forth to contend with all the 
 knowing powers of New England ? 
 
 Oh how did the sturdy old warrior rage and roar, 
 when he found himself thus entrapped, like a lion in 
 
 * For certain of the particulars of this ancient ncgociation, see 
 Haz. Col. State Pap. It is singular that Smith is entirely silent 
 >vkh respect to this memorable expedition of Peter Stuyvesant. 
 
NEW YORK. 353 
 
 the hunter's toil ! Now did he determine to draw his 
 trusty sword, and manfully to fight his way through 
 all the countries of the east. Now did he resolve to 
 break in upon the council of the Amphictyons, and 
 put every mother's son of them to death. At length, 
 as his direful wrath subsided, he resorted to safer 
 though less glorious expedients. 
 
 Concealing from the council his knowledge of their 
 machinations, he privately despatched a trusty messen- 
 ger with missives to his councillors at New Amster- 
 dam, apprising them of the impending danger, com- 
 manding them immediately to put the city in a pos- 
 ture of defence, while in the mean time he would 
 endeavour to elude his enemies and come to their 
 assistance. This done, he felt himself marvellously 
 relieved, rose slowly, shook himself like a rhinoceros, 
 and issued forth from his den, in much the same man- 
 ner as Giant Despair is described to have issued from 
 Doubting Castle, in the chivalric history of the Pil- 
 grim's Progress. 
 
 And now much does it grieve me that I must leave 
 the gallant Peter in this imminent jeopardy : but it 
 behoves us to hurry back and see what is going on at 
 New Amsterdam, for greatly do I fear that city is 
 already in a turmoil. Such was ever the fate of Peter 
 Stuyvesant; while doing one thing with heart and 
 soul, he was too apt to leave every thing else at sixes 
 and sevens. While, like a potentate of yore, he was 
 absent attending to those things in person, which in 
 modern days are trusted to generals and ambassadors, 
 his little territory at home was sure to get in an 
 uproar all which was owing to that uncommon 
 strength of intellect, which induced him to trust to 
 nobody but himself, and which had acquired him the 
 renowned appellation of Peter the Headstrong. 
 
 A A 
 
334 HISTORY OF 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 How the People of New Amsterdam were thrown into a great 
 Panic, by the News of a threatened Invasion ; and the Manner 
 in which they fortified themselves. 
 
 THERE is no sight more truly interesting to a phi- 
 losopher than to contemplate a community where every 
 individual has a voice in public affairs, where every 
 individual thinks himself the Atlas of the nation, and 
 where every individual thinks it his duty to bestir 
 himself for the good of his country, I say, there is 
 nothing more interesting to a philosopher than to see 
 such a community in a sudden bustle of war. Such a 
 clamour of tongues, such a bawling of patriotism, such 
 running hither and thither, every body in a hurry, 
 every body up to the ears in trouble, every body in 
 the way, and every body interrupting his industrious 
 neighbour, who is busily employed in doing nothing I 
 It is like witnessing a great fire, where every man is 
 at work like a hero ; some dragging about empty 
 engines ; others scampering with full buckets, and 
 spilling the contents into the boots of their neighbours ; 
 and others ringing the church bells all night, by way 
 of putting out the fire. Little firemen, like sturdy 
 little knights storming a breach, clambering up and 
 down scaling-ladders, and bawling through tin trum- 
 pets, by way of directing the attack. Here one busy 
 fellow, in his great zeal to save the property of the 
 unfortunate, catches up an anonymous chamber utensil, 
 and gallants it off with an air of as much self-import- 
 ance, as if he had rescued a pot of money ; another 
 throws looking-glasses and china out of the window, 
 to save them from the flames ; while those, who can 
 do nothing else to assist the great calamity, run up 
 and down the streets with open throats, keeping up an 
 incessant cry of Fire ! Fire ! Fire ! 
 
YORK. 355 
 
 " When the news arrived at Sinope," says the 
 grave and profound Lucian, though I own the story 
 is rather trite, " that Philip was about to attack 
 them, the inhabitants were thrown into violent alarm. 
 Some ran to furbish up their arms ; others rolled 
 stones to build up the walls ; every body, in short, 
 was employed, and every body was in the way of his 
 neighbour. Diogenes alone was the only man who 
 could find nothing to do ; whereupon, determining not 
 to be idle when the welfare of his country was at 
 stake, he tucked up his robe, and fell to rolling his tub 
 with might and main, up and down the Gymnasium." 
 In like manner did every mother's son, in the patriotic 
 community of New Amsterdam, on receiving the mis- 
 sive of Peter Stuyvesant, busy himself most mightily 
 in putting things in confusion, and assisting the general 
 uproar. " Every man," saith the Stuyvesant manu- 
 script, " flew to arms ! " By which is meant, that 
 not one of our honest Dutch citizens would venture 
 to church or to market, without an old-fashioned spit 
 of a sword dangling at his side, and a long Dutch 
 fowling-piece on his shoulder ; nor would he go out of 
 a night without a lantern ; nor turn a corner without 
 first peeping cautiously round, lest he should come 
 unawares upon a British army ; and we are informed, 
 that Stoffel Brinkerhoff, who was considered by the 
 old women almost as brave a man as the governor 
 himself, actually had two one-pound swivels mounted 
 in his entry, one pointing out at the front door and 
 the other at the back. 
 
 But the most strenuous measure resorted to on this 
 awful occasion, and one which has since been found 
 of wonderful efficacy, was to assemble popular meet- 
 ings. These brawling convocations, I have already 
 shown, were extremely offensive to Peter Stuyvesant ; 
 but as this was a moment of unusual agitation, and as 
 
 A A 2 
 
356 HISTORY OF 
 
 the old governor was not present "to repress them, 
 they broke out with intolerable violence. Hither, 
 therefore, the orators and politicians repaired, and 
 there seemed to be a competition among them who 
 should bawl the loudest, and exceed the others in 
 hyperbolical bursts of patriotism, and in resolutions to 
 uphold and defend the government. In these sage 
 and all powerful meetings it was determined, nem. con. 
 that they were the most enlightened, the most digni- 
 fied, the most formidable, and the most ancient com- 
 munity upon the face of the earth. Finding that this 
 resolution was so universally and readily carried, 
 another was immediately proposed, Whether it were 
 not possible and politic to exterminate Great Britain ? 
 Upon which sixty-nine members spoke most eloquently 
 in the affirmative, and only one arose to suggest some 
 doubts, who, as a punishment for his treasonable pre- 
 sumption was immediately seized by the mob and tarred 
 and feathered, which punishment being equivalent to 
 the Tarpeian Rock, he was afterwards considered as an 
 outcast from society, and his opinion went for nothing. 
 The question, therefore, being unanimously carried 
 in the affirmative, it was recommended to the grand 
 council to pass it into a law, which was accordingly 
 done ; by this measure the hearts of the people at 
 large were wonderfully encouraged, and they waxed 
 exceeding choleric and valorous. Indeed, the first 
 paroxysm of alarm having in some measure subsided, 
 the old women having buried all the money they 
 could lay their hands on, and their husbands daily 
 getting fuddled with what was left the community 
 began even to stand on the offensive. Songs were 
 manufactured in Low Dutch, and sung about the 
 streets, wherein the English were most wofully beaten, 
 and shown no quarter ; and popular addresses were 
 made, wherein it was proved to a certainty, that the 
 
NEW YORK. 357 
 
 fate of Old England depended upon the will of the 
 New Amsterdammers. 
 
 Finally, to strike a violent blow at the very vitals 
 of Great Britain, a multitude of the wiser inhabitants 
 assembled, and having purchased all the British manu- 
 factures they could find, they made thereof a huge 
 bonfire ; and, in the patriotic glow of the moment, 
 every man present, who had a hat or breeches of 
 English workmanship, pulled it off, and threw it most 
 undauntedly into the flames to the irreparable detri- 
 ment, loss, and ruin of the English manufacturers. 
 In commemoration of this great exploit, they erected 
 a pole on the spot, with a device on the top intended 
 to represent the province of Nieuw Nederlandts de- 
 stroying Great Britain, under the similitude of an 
 Eagle picking the little Island of Old England out of 
 the Globe; but either through the unskilfulness of 
 the sculptor, or his ill-timed waggery, it bore a strik- 
 ing resemblance to a goose vainly striving to get 
 hold of a dumpling. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Showing how thfe Grand Council of the New-Netherlands came to 
 be miraculously gifted with long Tongues. Together with a 
 great Triumph of Economy. 
 
 IT will need but very little penetration in any one 
 acquainted with the character and habits of that most 
 potent and blustering monarch the sovereign people 
 to discover that, notwithstanding all the bustle arid 
 talk of war that stunned him in the last chapter, the 
 renowned city of New- Amsterdam is, in sad reality, 
 not a whit better prepared for defence than before. 
 
358 HISTORY OF 
 
 Now, though the people, having gotten over the first 
 alarm, and finding no enemy immediately at hand, 
 had, with that valour of tongue, for which your illus- 
 trious rabble is so famous, run into the opposite 
 extreme, and by dint of gallant vapouring and rhodo- 
 montado, had actually talked themselves into the 
 opinion, that they were the bravest and most powerful 
 people under the sun ; yet were the privy councillors of 
 Peter Stuyvesant somewhat dubious on that point. 
 They dreaded, moreover, lest that stern hero should 
 return and find that, instead of obeying his peremptory 
 orders, they had wasted their time in listening to the 
 hectorings of the mob, than which they well knew 
 there was nothing he held in more exalted contempt. 
 
 To make up therefore as speedily as possible for 
 lost time, a grand divan of the councillors and burgo- 
 masters was convened, to talk over the critical state 
 of the province, and devise measures for its safety. 
 Two things were unanimously agreed upon in this 
 venerable assembly : first, that the city required to be 
 put in a state of defence and, secondly, that as the 
 danger was. imminent, there should be no time lost 
 which points being settled, they immediately fell to 
 making long speeches, and belabouring one another 
 in endless and intemperate disputes. For about this 
 time was this unhappy city first visited by that talking 
 endemic, so universally prevalent in this country, and 
 which so invariably evinces itself, wherever a number 
 of wise men assemble together ; breaking out in long 
 windy speeches, caused, as physicians suppose, by 
 the foul air which is ever generated in a crowd. Now 
 it was, moreover, that they first introduced the in- 
 genious method of measuring the merits of an harangue 
 by the hourglass ; he being considered the ablest 
 orator who spoke longest on a question for which 
 excellent invention, it is recorded* we are indebted to 
 
NEW YORK. 359 
 
 the same profound Dutch critic who judged of books 
 by their size. 
 
 The sudden passion for endless harangues, so little 
 consonant with the customary gravity and taciturnity 
 of our sage forefathers, was supposed by certain learned 
 philosophers to have been imbibed, together with 
 divers other barbarous propensities, from their savage 
 neighbours ; who were peculiarly noted for their long 
 talks and council fires ; who would never undertake 
 any affair of the least importance, without previous 
 debates and harangues among their chiefs and old 
 men. But the real cause was, that the people, in 
 electing their representatives to the grand council, 
 were particular in choosing them for their talents at 
 talking, without inquiring whether they possessed the 
 more rare, difficult, and oft times important talent of 
 holding their tongues. The consequence was, that 
 this deliberative body was composed of the most 
 loquacious men in the community. As they con- 
 sidered themselves placed there to talk, every man 
 concluded that his duty to his constituents, and, what 
 is more, his popularity with them, required that he 
 should harangue on every subject, whether he under- 
 stood it or not. There was an ancient mode of bury- 
 ing a chieftain, by every soldier throwing his shield 
 full of earth on the corpse until a mighty mound was 
 formed ; so whenever a question was brought forward 
 in his assembly, every member pressing forward to 
 throw on his quantum of wisdom, the subject was 
 quickly buried under a huge mass of words. 
 
 We are told in the Attic Nights of Aulus Gellius, 
 that when disciples were admitted into the school of 
 Pythagoras, they were for two years enjoined silence, 
 and were neither permitted to ask questions nor make 
 remarks. After they had thus acquired the ines- 
 timable art of holding their tongues, they were gradu- 
 
360 HISTORY OF 
 
 ally permitted to make inquiries, and finally to com- 
 municate their own opinions. 
 
 What a pity is it, that while superstitiously hoard- 
 ing up the rubbish and rags of antiquity, we should 
 suffer these precious gems to lie unnoticed. What a 
 beneficial effect would this wise regulation of Pytha- 
 goras have, if introduced in legislative bodies and 
 how wonderfully would it have tended to expedite 
 business in the grand council of the Manhattoes ? 
 
 Thus, however, did dame Wisdom (whom the wags 
 of antiquity have humorously personified as a woman) 
 seem to take mischievous pleasure in jilting the vene- 
 rable councillors of New Amsterdam. The old fac- 
 tions of long pipes and short pipes, which had been 
 almost strangled by the Herculean grasp of Peter 
 Stuyvesant, now sprung up with tenfold violence. 
 Not that the original cause of difference still existed, 
 but it has ever been the fate of party names and party 
 rancour to remain long after the principles that gave 
 rise to them have been forgotten. To complete the 
 public confusion and bewilderment, the fatal word 
 Economy ', which one would have thought was dead 
 and buried with William the Testy, was once more 
 set afloat, like the apple of discord, in the grand coun- 
 cil of Nieuw Nederlandts according to which sound 
 principle of policy, it was deemed more expedient to 
 throw away twenty thousand guilders upon an ineffi- 
 cient plan of defence, than thirty thousand on a good 
 and substantial one, the province thus making a clear 
 saving of ten thousand guilders. 
 
 But when they came to discuss the mode of de- 
 fence, then began a war of words that baffles all 
 description. The members being, as I observed, 
 enlisted in opposite parties, were enabled to proceed 
 with amazing system and regularity in the discussion 
 of the questions before them. Whatever was proposed 
 
NEW 1ORK. 361 
 
 by a long pipe, was opposed by the whole tribe of short 
 pipes, who, like true politicians, considered it their 
 first duty to effect the downfal of the long pipes 
 their second, to elevate themselves and their third, 
 to consult the welfare of the country. This at least 
 was the creed of the most upright among the party ; 
 for, as to the great mass, they left the third consider- 
 ation out of the question altogether. 
 
 In this great collision of hard heads, it is astonishing 
 the number of projects for defence that were struck out, 
 not one of which had ever been heard of before, nor 
 has since been heard of, unless it be in very modern 
 days projects that threw the windmill system of the 
 ingenious Kieft completely in the back ground. Still, 
 however, nothing could be decided on ; for, so soon 
 as a formidable host of air-castles were reared by one 
 party, they were demolished by the other ; the simple 
 populace stood gazing in anxious expectation of the 
 mighty egg that was to be hatched with all this cack- 
 ling, but they gazed in vain, for it appeared that the 
 grand council was determined to protect the province, 
 as did the noble and gigantic Pantagruel his army, by 
 covering it with his tongue. 
 
 Indeed, there was a portion of the members, con- 
 sisting of fat self-important old burghers, who smoked 
 their pipes and said nothing, excepting to negative 
 every plan of defence that was offered. These were 
 of that class of wealthy old citizens who, having 
 amassed a fortune, button up their pockets, shut their 
 mouths, look rich, and are good for nothing all the 
 rest of their lives. Like some phlegmatic oyster, which, 
 having swallowed a pearl, closes its shell, settles down 
 in the mud, and parts with its life sooner than its 
 treasure. Every plan of defence seemed to these 
 worthy old gentlemen pregnant with ruin. An armed 
 force was a legion of locusts, preying upon the public 
 
362 HISTORY OF 
 
 property ; to fit out a naval armament was to throw 
 their money into the sea ; to build fortifications was 
 to bury it in the dirt. In short, they settled it as a 
 sovereign maxim, so long as their pockets were full, 
 no matter how much they were drubbed. A kick left 
 no scar; a broken head cured itself; but an empty 
 purse was of all maladies the slowest to heal, and one 
 in which nature did nothing to the patient. 
 
 Thus did this venerable assembly of sages lavish 
 away that time, which the urgency of affairs rendered 
 invaluable, in empty brawls and long-winded speeches, 
 without ever agreeing, except on the point with which 
 they started, namely, that there was no time to be 
 lost, and delay was ruinous. At length St. Nicholas, 
 taking compassion on their distracted situation, and 
 anxious to preserve them from anarchy, so ordered, 
 that in the midst of one of their most noisy debates 
 on the subject of fortification and defence, when they 
 had nearly fallen to loggerheads in consequence of not 
 being able to convince each other, the question was 
 happily settled by a messenger, who bounced into the 
 chamber, and informed them that the hostile fleet had 
 arrived, and was actually advancing up the bay ! 
 
 Thus was all further necessity of either fortifying 
 or disputing completely obviated ; and thus was the 
 grand council saved a world of words, and the pro- 
 vince a world of expense a most absolute and glo- 
 rious triumph of economy. 
 
NEW YORK. 363 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 In which the Troubles of New Amsterdam appear to thicken 
 Showing the Bravery, in Time of Peril, of a People who defend 
 themselves by Resolutions. 
 
 LIKE as an assemblage of politic cats, engaged in 
 clamorous gibberings and caterwaulings, eyeing one 
 another with hideous grimaces, spitting in each other's 
 faces, and on the point of breaking forth into a general 
 clapper-clawing, are suddenly put to scampering, rout, 
 and confusion, by the startling appearance of a house- 
 dog so was the no less vociferous council of New- 
 Amsterdam amazed, astounded, and totally dispersed, 
 by the sudden arrival of the enemy. Every member 
 made the best of his way home, waddling along as 
 f<|st as his short legs could fag under their heavy 
 burthen, and wheezing as he went with corpulency 
 and terror. When he arrived at his castle, he bar- 
 ricadoed the street door, and buried himself in the 
 cider cellar, without daring to peep out, lest he should 
 have his head carried off by a cannon ball. 
 
 The sovereign people all crowded into the market- 
 place, herding together with the instinct of sheep, who 
 seek for safety in each other's company, when the 
 shepherd and his dog are absent, and the wolf is 
 prowling round the fold. Far from finding relief, 
 however, they only increased each other's terrors. 
 Each man looked 'ruefully in his neighbour's face, in 
 search of encouragement, but only found, in its woe- 
 begone lineaments, a confirmation of his own dismay. 
 Not a word now was to be heard of conquering Great 
 Britain, not a whisper about the sovereign virtues of 
 economy while the old women heightened the general 
 
364 HISTORY OF 
 
 gloom, by clamorously bewailing their fate, and in- 
 cessantly calling for protection on St. Nicholas and 
 Peter Stuyvesant. 
 
 Oh, how did they bewail the absence of the lion- 
 hearted Peter ! and how did they long for the com- 
 forting presence of Anthony Van Corlear ! Indeed, a 
 gloomy uncertainty hung over the fate of these adven- 
 turous heroes. Day after day had elapsed since the 
 alarming message from the governor, without bringing 
 any further tidings of his safety. Many a fearful 
 conjecture was hazarded as to what had befallen him 
 and his loyal squire. Had they not been devoured 
 alive by the cannibals of Marble-head and Cape Cod ? 
 Were they not put to the question by the great council 
 of Amphictyons ? Were they not smothered in onions 
 by the terrible men of Pyquag? In the midst of this 
 consternation and perplexity, when horror, like a 
 mighty night-mare, sat brooding upon the little, fat, 
 plethoric city of New Amsterdam, the ears of tfce 
 multitude were suddenly startled by a strange and 
 distant sound it approached it grew louder and 
 louder and now it resounded at the city gate. The 
 public could not be mistaken in the well known sound. 
 A shout of joy burst from their lips, as the gallant 
 Peter, covered with dust, and followed by his faithful 
 trumpeter, came galloping into the market-place. 
 
 The first transports of the populace having sub- 
 sided, they gathered round the honest Anthony, as 
 he dismounted from his horse, overwhelming him 
 with greetings and congratulations. In breathless 
 accents he related to them the marvellous adventures 
 through which the old governor and himself had gone, 
 in making their escape from the clutches of the ter- 
 rible Amphictyons. But though the Stuyvesant 
 manuscript, with its customary minuteness where any- 
 thing touching the great Peter is concerned^ is very 
 
NEW YORK. 365 
 
 particular as to the incidents of this masterly retreat* 
 yet the particular state of the public affairs will not 
 allow me to indulge in a full recital thereof. Let it 
 suffice to say, that, while Peter Stuyvesant was anx- 
 iously revolving in his mind how he could make good 
 his escape with honour and dignity, certain of the 
 ships sent out for the conquest of the Manhattoes 
 touched at the eastern ports to obtain needful supplies, 
 and to call on the grand council of the league for its 
 promised co-operation. Upon hearing of this, the 
 vigilant Peter perceiving that a moment's delay were 
 fatal, made a secret and precipitate decampment ; 
 though much did it grieve his lofty soul, to be obliged 
 to turn his back even upon a nation of foes. Many 
 hair-breadth 'scapes and divers perilous mishaps did 
 they sustain, as they scoured, without sound of trum- 
 pet, through the fair regions of the east. Already 
 was the country in an uproar with hostile preparation, 
 and they were obliged to take a large circuit in their 
 flight, lurking along, through the woody mountains of 
 the Devil's Back-bone ; from whence the valiant Peter 
 sallied forth one day, like a lion, and put to rout a 
 whole legion of squatters, consisting of three genera- 
 tions of a prolific family, who were already on their 
 way to take possession of some corner of the New 
 Netherlands. Nay, the faithful Anthony had great 
 difficulty at sundry times to prevent him, in the excess 
 of his wrath, from descending down from the moun- 
 tains, and falling sword in hand upon certain of the 
 border-towns, who were marshalling forth their drag- 
 gle-tailed militia. 
 
 The first movement of the governor, on reaching 
 his dwelling, was to mount the roof, from whence he 
 contemplated with rueful aspect the hostile squadron. 
 This had already come to an anchor in the bay, and 
 consisted of two stout frigates, having on board, as 
 
366 HISTORY OF 
 
 John Josselyn, Gent, informs us, u three hundred 
 valiant red coats;" Having taken this survey, he sat 
 himself down, and wrote an epistle to the commander, 
 demanding his reason of anchoring in the harbour 
 without obtaining previous permission so to do. This 
 letter was couched in the most dignified and courteous 
 terms, though I have it from undoubted authority 
 that his teeth were clenched, and he had a bitter sar- 
 donic grin upon his visage, all the while he wrote. 
 Having despatched his letter, the grim Peter stamped 
 to and fro about the town, with a most war-betokening 
 countenance, his hands thrust into his breeches poc- 
 kets, and whistling a Low Dutch Psalm tune, which 
 bore no small resemblance to the music of a north- 
 east wind, when a storm is brewing. The very dogs, 
 as they eyed him, skulked away in dismay while all 
 the old and ugly women of New Amsterdam ran howl- 
 ing at his heels, imploring him to save them from 
 murder, robbery, and pitiless ravishment I 
 
 The reply of Colonel Nichols, who commanded the 
 invaders, was couched in terms of equal courtesy with 
 the letter of the governor declaring the right and 
 title of his British majesty to the province ; where he 
 affirmed the Dutch to be mere interlopers ; and de- 
 manding that the town, forts, &c. should be forthwith 
 rendered into his majesty's obedience and protection 
 promising at the same time, life, liberty, estate, and 
 free trade, to every Dutch denizen, who should readily 
 submit to his majesty's government. 
 
 Peter Stuyvesant read over this friendly epistle with 
 some such harmony of aspect as we may suppose a 
 crusty farmer, who has long been fattening upon his 
 neighbour's soil, reads the loving letter of John Stiles, 
 that warns him of an action of ejectment. The old 
 governor, however, was not to be taken by surprise, 
 but thrusting the summons into his breeches pocket, 
 
NEW YORK. 367 
 
 he stalked three times across the room, took a pinch 
 of snuff with great vehemence, and then loftily waving 
 his hand, promised to send an answer the next morn- 
 ing. In the mean time he called a general council of 
 war of his privy councillors and burgomasters, not for 
 the purpose of asking their advice, for that, as has been 
 already shown, he valued not a rush ; but to make 
 known unto them his sovereign determination, and 
 require their prompt adherence. 
 
 Before, however, he convened Iris council, he re- 
 solved upon three important points : first, never to 
 give up the city without a little hard fighting, for he 
 deemed it highly derogatory to the dignity of so re- 
 nowned a city, to suffer itself to be captured and 
 stripped, without receiving a few kicks into the bargain. 
 Secondly ', that the majority of his grand council was 
 composed of arrant poltroons, utterly destitute of true 
 bottom ; and, thirdly, that he would not therefore 
 suffer them to see the summons of Colonel Nichols, 
 lest the easy terms it held out might induce them to 
 clamour for a surrender. 
 
 His orders being duly promulgated, it was a piteous 
 sight to behold the late valiant burgomasters, who had 
 demolished the whole British empire in their harangues, 
 peeping ruefully out of their hiding places, and then 
 crawling cautiously forth, dodging through narrow 
 lanes and alleys ; starting at every little dog that 
 barked, as though it had been a discharge of artillery ; 
 mistaking lamp-posts for British grenadiers, and, in 
 the excess of their panic, metamorphosing pumps into 
 formidable soldiers, levelling blunderbusses at their 
 bosoms ! Having, however, in despite of numerous 
 perils and difficulties of the kind, arrived safe, without 
 the loss of a single man, at the hall of assembly, they 
 took their seats and awaited in fearful silence the 
 arrival of the governor. In a few moments the wooden 
 
368 HISTORY OF 
 
 leg of the intrepid Peter was heard in regular and 
 stout-hearted thumps upon the stair-case. He entered 
 the chamber, arrayed in full suit of regimentals, and 
 carrying his trusty toledo, not girded on his thigh, but 
 tucked under his arm. As the governor never equip- 
 ped himself in this portentous manner, unless some- 
 thing of martial nature were working within his fearless 
 pericranium, his council regarded him ruefully, as a 
 very Janus, bearing fire and sword in his iron counte- 
 nance, and forgot to light their pipes in breathless 
 suspense. 
 
 The great Peter was as eloquent as he was valour- 
 ous ; indeed, these two rare qualities seemed to go 
 hand in hand in his composition ; and, unlike most 
 great statesmen, whose victories are only confined to 
 the bloodless field of argument, he was always ready to 
 enforce his hardy words by no less hardy deeds. His 
 speeches were generally marked by a simplicity, ap- 
 proaching to bluntness, and by truly categorical deci- 
 sion. Addressing the grand council, he touched briefly 
 upon the perils and hardships he had sustained, in es- 
 caping from his crafty foes. He next reproached the 
 council for wasting in idle debate and party feuds that 
 time which should have been devoted to their country. 
 He was particularly indignant at those brawlers, who, 
 conscious of individual security, had disgraced the coun- 
 cils of the province, by impotent hectorings and scur- 
 rilous invectives against a noble and a powerful enemy 
 those cowardly curs who were incessant in their bark- 
 ings and yelpings at the lion, while distant or asleep, 
 but the moment he approached, were the first to skulk 
 away. He now called on those who had been so 
 valiant in their threats against Great Britain, to stand 
 forth and support their vauntings by their actions 
 for it was deeds, not words, that bespoke the spirit of 
 a nation. He proceeded to recal the golden days of 
 
NEW YORK. 369 
 
 former prosperity, which were only to be gained by 
 manfully withstanding their enemies ; for the peace, 
 he observed, which is effected by force of arms, is 
 always more sure and durable than that which is 
 patched up by temporary accommodations. He en- 
 deavoured, moreover, to arouse their martial fire, by 
 reminding them of the time, when, before the frown- 
 ing walls of Fort Christina, he had led them on to 
 victory. He strove likewise to awaken their con- 
 fidence, by assuring them of the protection of St. 
 Nicholas, who had hitherto maintained them in safety, 
 amid all the savages of the wilderness, the witches 
 and squatters of the east, and the giants of Merry- 
 land. Finally, he informed them of the insolent 
 summons he had received to surrender ; but con- 
 cluded by swearing to defend the province as long as 
 heaven was on his side, and he had a wooden leg to 
 stand upon. Which noble sentence he emphasised 
 by a tremendous thwack with the broad side of his 
 sword upon the table, that totally electrified his 
 auditors. 
 
 The privy councillors, who had long been accus- 
 tomed to the governor's way, and in fact had been 
 brought into as perfect discipline as were ever the 
 soldiers of the great Frederick, saw that there was no 
 use in saying a word so lighted their pipes and 
 smoked away in silence like fat and di&creet coun- 
 cillors. But the burgomasters being less under the 
 governor's controul, considering themselves as repre- 
 sentatives of the sovereign people, and being more- 
 over inflated with considerable importance and self- 
 sufficiency, which they had acquired at those notable 
 schools of wisdom and morality, the popular meetings 
 were not so easily satisfied. Mustering up fresh 
 spirit, when they found there was some chance of 
 escaping from their present jeopardy, without the 
 
 B B 
 
370 HISTORY OF 
 
 disagreeable alternative of fighting, they requested a 
 copy of the summons to surrender, that they might 
 show it to a general meeting of the people. 
 
 So insolent and mutinous a request would have 
 been enough to have aroused the gorge of the tranquil 
 Van Twiller himself what then must have been its 
 effect upon the great Stuyvesant, who was not only a 
 Dutchman, a governor, and a valiant wooden-legged 
 soldier to. boot, but withal a man of the most sto- 
 machful and gunpowder disposition. He burst forth 
 into a blazo of noble indignation, to which the famous 
 rage of Achilles was a mere pouting-fit swore not a 
 mother's son of them should see a syllable of it 
 that they deserved, every one of them, to be hanged, 
 drawn, and quartered, for traitorously daring to ques- 
 tion the infallibility of government ; that as to their 
 advice or concurrence, he did not care a whiff of 
 tobacco for either ; that he had long been harassed 
 and thwarted by their cowardly councils ; but that 
 they might thenceforth go home, and go to bed like 
 old women, for he was determined to defend the 
 colony himself, without the assistance of them or 
 their adherents ! So saying, he tucked his sword 
 under his arm, cocked his hat upon his head, and; girding 
 up his loins, stumped indignantly out of the council- 
 chamber, everybody making room for him as he passed. 
 
 No sooner had he gone than the busy burgomasters 
 called a public meeting in front of the Stadt-house, 
 where they appointed as chairman one Dofue Roer- 
 back, a mighty gingerbread-baker in the land, and 
 formerly of the cabinet of William the Testy. He 
 was looked up to with great reverence by the populace, 
 who considered him a man of dark knowledge, seeing 
 he was the first that imprinted new-year cakes with 
 the mysterious hieroglyphics of the cock and breeches, 
 and such like magical devices. 
 
NEW YORK. 371 
 
 This great burgomaster, who still chewed the cud 
 of ill will against the valiant Stuyvesant, in conse- 
 quence of having been ignominiously kicked out of 
 his cabinet at the time of his taking the reins of 
 government, addressed the greasy multitude in what 
 is called a patriotic speech ; in which he informed 
 them of the courteous summons to surrender of the 
 governor's refusal to comply therewith of his deny- 
 ing the public a sight of the summons, which, he had 
 no doubt, contained conditions highly to the honour 
 and advantage of the province. 
 
 He then proceeded to speak of his excellency in 
 high-sounding terms, suitable to the dignity and 
 grandeur of his station, comparing him to Nero, 
 Caligula, and those other great men of yore, who are 
 generally quoted i)y popular orators on similar occa- 
 sions. Assuring the people that the history of the 
 world did not contain a despotic outrage to equal the 
 present for atrocity, cruelty, tyranny, and blood- 
 thirstiness ; that it would be recorded in letters of 
 fire on the blood-stained tablet of history ! that ages 
 would roll back with sudden horror, when they came 
 to view it ! That the womb of Time (by the way 
 your orators and writers take strange liberties with 
 the womb of Time, though some would fain have us 
 believe that time is an old gentleman) that the 
 womb of Time, pregnant as it was with direful horrors, 
 would never produce a parallel enormity ! with a 
 variety of other heart-rending, soul-stirring tropes and 
 figures, which I cannot enumerate. Neither, indeed, 
 need I, for they were exactly the same that are used 
 in all popular harangues and patriotic orations at the 
 present day, and may be classed in rhetoric under the 
 general title of RIGMAROLE. 
 
 The speech of this inspired burgomaster being- 
 finished, the meeting fell into a kind of popular fer- 
 B B 2 
 
372 HISTORY OF 
 
 mentation, which produced not only a string of right 
 wise resolutions, but likewise a most resolute memo- 
 rial, addressed to the governor, remonstrating at his 
 conduct ; which was no sooner handed to him, than he 
 handed it into the fire ; and thus deprived posterity of 
 an invaluable document, that might have served as a 
 precedent to the enlightened cobblers and tailors of 
 the present day, in their sage intermeddlings with 
 politics. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Containing a doleful Disaster of Anthony the Trumpeter; and how 
 Peter Stuyvesant, like a second Cromwell, suddenly dissolved a 
 Rump Parliament. 
 
 Now did the high-minded Pieter de Groodt shower 
 down a pannier-load of benedictions upon his burgo- 
 masters, for a set of self-willed, obstinate, headstrong 
 varlets, who would neither be convinced nor persuaded ; 
 and determined thenceforth to have nothing more to 
 do with them, but to consult merely the opinion of 
 his privy councillors, which he knew from experience 
 to be the best in the world, inasmuch as it never 
 differed from his own. Nor did he omit, now that his 
 hand was in, to bestow some thousand left-handed 
 compliments upon the sovereign people, whom he 
 railed at for a herd of poltroons, who had no relish for 
 the glorious hardships and illustrious misadventures of 
 battle but would rather stay at home, and eat and 
 sleep in ignoble ease, than gain immortality and a 
 broken head, by valiantly fighting in a ditch. 
 
 Resolutely bent, however, upon defending his beloved 
 city, in despite even of itself, he called unto him his 
 trusty Van Corlear, who was his right-hand man in 
 
NEW YORK. 373 
 
 all times of emergency. Him did he adjure to take 
 his war-denouncing trumpet, and, mounting his horse, 
 to beat up the country, night and day sounding the 
 alarm along the pastoral borders of the Bronx 
 startling the wild solitudes of Croton arousing the 
 rugged yeomanry of Weehawk and Hoboeken- the 
 mighty men of battle of Tappan Bay* and the brave 
 boys of Tarry town and Sleepy hollow together 
 with all the other warriors of the country round about ; 
 charging them one and all, to sling their powder-horns, 
 shoulder their fowling-pieces, and march merrily down 
 to the Manhattoes. 
 
 Now there was nothing in all the world, the divine 
 sex excepted, that Anthony Van Corlear loved better 
 than errands of this kind. So just stopping to take a 
 lusty dinner, and bracing to his side his junk-bottle, 
 well charged with heart-inspiring Hollands, he issued 
 jollily from the city gate, that looked out upon what 
 is at present called Broad-way ; sounding as usual a 
 farewell strain, that rung in sprightly echoes through 
 the winding streets of New Amsterdam Alas ! never 
 more were they to be gladdened by the melody of 
 their favourite trnmpeter ! 
 
 It was a dark and stormy night when the good 
 Anthony arrived at the famous creek (sagely denomi* 
 nated Haerlem river) which separates the island of 
 Manna-hata from the main land. The wind was high, 
 the elements were in an uproar, and no Charon could 
 be found to ferry the adventurous sounder of brass 
 across the water. For a short time he vapoured like 
 an impatient ghost upon the brink, and then, bethink- 
 ing himself of the urgency of his errand, took a 
 hearty embrace of his stone bottle, swore most 
 valorously that he would swim across, en spijt den 
 
 * A corruption of Top-paun ; so called from a tribe of Indians 
 which boasted 150 fighting men. See Ogiivie's History. 
 
374 HISTORY OF 
 
 duyvel (in spite of the devil !) and daringly plunged 
 into the stream. Luckless Anthony ! scarce had he 
 buffeted half-way over, when he was observed to 
 struggle violently, as if battling with the spirit of the 
 waters instinctively he put his trumpet to his mouth, 
 and, giving a vehement blast, sunk for ever to the 
 bottom ! 
 
 The potent clangour of his trumpet, like the ivory 
 horn of the renowned Paladin Orlando, when expiring 
 in the glorious field of Roncesvalles, rung far and 
 wide through the country, alarming the neighbours 
 round, who hurried in amazement to the spot. 
 Here an old Dutch burgher, famed for his veracity, 
 and who had been a witness of the fact, related to 
 them the melancholy affair ; with the fearful addition 
 (to which I am slow of giving belief), that he saw the 
 duyvel in the shape of a huge moss-bonker, seize the 
 sturdy Anthony by the leg, and drag him beneath the 
 waves. Certain it is, the place, with the adjoining 
 promontory, which projects into the Hudson, has been 
 called Spijt den duyvel, or Spiking duyvel, e.ver 
 since the restless ghost of the unfortunate Anthony 
 still haunts the surrounding solitudes, and his trumpet 
 has often been heard by the neighbours, of a stormy 
 night, mingling with the howling of the blast. Nobody 
 ever attempts to swim over the creek after dark ; on 
 the contrary, a bridge has been built to guard against 
 such melancholy accidents in future and as to moss- 
 bonkers, they are held in such abhorrence that no true 
 Dutchman will admit them to his table, who loves 
 good fish, and hates the devil. 
 
 Such was the end of Anthony Van Corlear a man 
 deserving of a better fate. He lived roundly and 
 soundly, like a true and jolly bachelor, until the day 
 of his death ; but though he was never married, yet 
 did he leave behind some two or three dozen children , 
 
NEW YORK. 375 
 
 in different parts of the conn try fine, chubby, brawling, 
 flatulent little urchins, from whom, if legends speak 
 true (and they are not apt to lie), did descend the 
 innumerable race of editors, who people and defend 
 this country, and who are bountifully paid by the 
 people for keeping up a constant alarm and making 
 them miserable. Would that they inherited the worth, 
 as they do the wind, of their renowned progenitor ! 
 
 The tidings of this lamentable catastrophe imparted 
 a severer pan to the bosom of Peter Stuyvesant than 
 did even the invasion of his beloved Amsterdam. It 
 came ruthlessly home to those sweet affections that 
 grow close around the heart, and are nourished by its 
 warmest current. As some lone pilgrim wandering 
 in trackless wastes, while the tejnpest whistles through 
 his locks, and dreary night is gathering around, sees 
 stretched, cold and lifeless, his faithful dog the sole 
 companion of his journeying who had shared his 
 solitary meal, and so often licked his hand in humble 
 gratitude : so did the generous-hearted hero of the 
 Manhattoes contemplate the untimely end of his faith- 
 ful Anthony. - He had been the humble attendant of 
 his footsteps he had cheered him in many a heavy 
 hour, by his honest gaiety ; and had followed him, in 
 loyalty and affection, through many a scene of direful 
 peril and mishap. He was gone for ever and that 
 too at a moment when every mongrel cur seemed 
 skulking from his side. This, Peter Stuyvesant this 
 was the moment to try thy fortitude ; and this was the 
 moment, when thou didst indeed shine forth Peter 
 the Headstrong, 
 
 The glare of day had long dispelled the horrors of 
 the last stormy night, still all was dull and gloomy. The 
 late jovial Apollo hid his face behind lugubrious clouds, 
 peeping out now and then for an instant, as if anxious, 
 
376 HISTORY OF 
 
 yet fearful, to see what was going on in his favourite 
 city. This was the eventful morning when the great 
 Peter was to give his reply to the summons of the 
 invaders. Already was he closeted with his privy 
 council, sitting in grim state brooding over the fate of 
 his favourite trumpeter, and anon boiling with indig- 
 nation as the insolence of his recreant burgomasters 
 flashed upon his mind. While in this state of irrita- 
 tion, a courier arrived in all haste from Winthrop, the 
 subtle governor of Connecticut, counselling him in 
 the most affectionate and disinterested manner to sur- 
 render the province, and magnifying the dangers and 
 calamities to which a refusal would subject him. 
 What a moment was this to intrude officious advice 
 npon a man who never took advice in his whole life ! 
 The fiery old governor strode up and down the 
 chamber, with^a vehemence that made the bosoms of 
 his councillors to quake with awe, railing at his 
 unlucky fate, that thus made him the constant butt of 
 factious subjects and Jesuitical advisers. 
 
 Just at this ill-chosen juncture, the officious burgo- 
 masters, who were now completely on the watch, and 
 had heard of the arrival of mysterious despatches, 
 came marching in a resolute body into the room, with 
 a legion of schepens and toad-eaters at their heels, 
 and abruptly demanded a perusal of the letter. Thus 
 to be broken in upon by what he esteemed a " rascal 
 rabble," arid that too at the very moment he was 
 grinding under an irritation from abroad, was too 
 much for the spleen of the choleric Peter. He tore 
 the letter in a thousand pieces *, threw it in the face 
 of the nearest burgomaster, broke his pipe over the 
 head of the next, hurled his spitting-box at an unlucky 
 schepen, who was just making a masterly retreat out 
 * Smith's History of N. Y. 
 
NEW YORK. 377 
 
 at the door, and finally prorogued the whole meet- 
 ing sine die, by kicking them down stairs with his 
 wooden leg. 
 
 As soon as the burgomasters could recover from 
 the confusion into which their sudden exit had thrown 
 them, and had taken a little time to breathe, they pro- 
 tested against the conduct of the governor, which they 
 did not hesitate topronounce tyrannical,un constitutional, 
 highly indecent, and somewhat disrespectful. They then 
 called a public meeting, where they read the protest, and 
 addressing the assembly in a set speech, related at full 
 length, and with appropriate colouring and exaggera- 
 tion, the despotic and vindictive deportment of the 
 governor : declaring that, for their own parts, they 
 did not value a straw the being kicked, cuffed, and 
 mauled by the timber toe of his excellency, but they 
 felt for the dignity of the sovereign people, thus rudely 
 insulted by the outrage committed on the seats of 
 honour of their representatives. The latter part of 
 the harangue had a violent effect upon the sensibility 
 of the people, as it came home at once to that deli- 
 cacy of feeling and jealous pride of character vested 
 in all true mobs ; who, though they may bear injuries 
 without a murmur, yet are marvellously jealous- of 
 their sovereign dignity ; and there is no knowing to 
 what act of resentment they might have been provoked 
 against the redoubtable Peter, had not the greasy 
 rogues been somewhat more afraid of their sturdy old 
 governor than they were of St. Nicholas, the English^ 
 or the D 1 himself. 
 
378 HISTORY OF 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 How Peter Stuyvesant defended the City of New Amsterdam for 
 several Days, by Dint of the Strength of his Head. 
 
 THERE is something exceedingly sublime and 
 melancholy in the spectacle which the present crisis 
 of our history presents. An illustrious and venerable 
 little city, the metropolis of an immense extent of 
 uninhabited country, garrisoned by a doughty host 
 of orators, chairmen, committeemen, burgomasters, 
 schepens, and old women, governed by a determined 
 and strong-headed warrior, and fortified by mud- 
 batteries, palisadoes, and resolutions, blockaded by 
 sea, beleaguered by land, and threatened with direful 
 desolation from without, while its very vitals are torn 
 with internal faction and commotion ! Never did his- 
 toric pen record a page of more complicated distress, 
 unless it be the strife that distracted the Israelites 
 during the siege of Jerusalem, where discordant par- 
 ties were cutting each other's throats, at the moment 
 when the victorious legions of Titus had toppled down 
 their bulwarks, and were carrying fire and sword into 
 the very Sanctum Sanctorum of the temple. 
 
 Governor Stuyvesant having triumphantly, as has 
 been recorded, put his grand council to the rout, and 
 thus delivered himself from a multitude of imperti- 
 nent advisers, despatched a categorical reply to the 
 commanders of the invading squadron ; wherein he 
 asserted the right and title of their High Mightinesses 
 the Lords States-general to the province of New 
 Netherlands, and, trusting in the righteousness of his 
 cause, set the whole British nation at defiance ! My 
 anxiety to extricate my readers and myself from these 
 disastrous scenes prevents me from giving the whole 
 
NEW YORK. 379 
 
 of this gallant letter, which concluded in these manly 
 and affectionate terms : 
 
 "As touching the threats in your conclusion, we 
 have nothing to answer, only that we fear nothing 
 but what God (who is as just as merciful) shall lay 
 upon us all things being in his gracious disposal 
 and we may as well be preserved by him with small 
 forces as by a great army ; which makes us to wish 
 you all happiness and prosperity, and recommend you 
 to his protection. My Lords, your thrice humble and 
 affectionate servant and friend, 
 
 u P. STUYVESANT." 
 
 Thus having resolutely thrown his gauntlet, the 
 brave Peter stuck a pair of horse pistols in his belt 
 girded an immense powder-horn on his side thrust 
 his sound leg into a Hessian boot and clapping his 
 fierce little war-hat on the top of his head, paraded 
 up and down in front of his house, determined to 
 defend his beloved city to the last. 
 
 While all these woful struggles and dissensions 
 were prevailing in the unhappy city of New Amster- 
 dam, and while its worthy, but ill-starred governor was 
 framing the above quoted letter, the English com- 
 manders did not remain idle. They had agents 
 secretly employed to foment the fears and clamours of 
 the populace ; and moreover circulated far and wide, 
 through the adjacent country, a proclamation, repeat- 
 ing the terms they had already held out in their 
 summons to surrender, and beguiling the simple 
 Netherlanders with the most crafty and conciliating 
 professions. They promised that every man who 
 voluntarily submitted to the authority of his British 
 Majesty should retain peaceable possession of his 
 house, his vrouw, and his cabbage-garden. That he 
 should be suffered to smoke his pipe, speak Dutch, 
 
380 HISTORY OF 
 
 wear as many breeches as he pleased, and import 
 bricks, tiles, and stone jugs from Holland, instead of 
 manufacturing them on the spot that he should on 
 no account be compelled to learn the English lan- 
 guage, or keep accounts in any other way than by 
 casting them up on his fingers, and chalking them 
 down upon the crown of his hat ; as is still observed 
 among the Dutch yeomanry at the present day. That 
 every man should be allowed quietly to inherit his 
 father's hat, coat, shoe-buckles, pipe, and every other 
 personal appendage ; and that no man should be 
 obliged to conform to any improvements, inventions, 
 or any other modern innovations ; but, on the con- 
 trary, should be permitted to build his house, follow 
 his trade, manage his farm, rear his hogs, and educate 
 his children precisely as his ancestors did before him 
 since time immemorial. Finally, that he should have 
 all the benefits of free trade, and should not be 
 required to acknowledge any other saint in the calen- 
 dar than Saint Nicholas, who should thenceforward, 
 as before, be considered the tutelar saint of the city. 
 
 These terms, as may be supposed, appeared very 
 satisfactory to the people, who had a great disposition 
 to enjoy their property unmolested, and a most singular 
 aversion to engage in a contest where they could gain 
 little more than honour and broken heads the first 
 of which they held in philosophic indifference, the 
 latter in utter detestation. By these insidious means, 
 therefore, did the English succeed in alienating the 
 confidence and affections of the populace from their 
 gallant old governor, whom they considered as obstin- 
 ately bent upon running them into hideous misad- 
 ventures ; and did not hesitate to speak their minds 
 freely, and abuse him most heartily behind his back. 
 
 Like as a mighty grampus, who, though assailed 
 and buifeted by roaring waves and brawling surges, 
 
NEW YORK. 381 
 
 still keeps on an undeviating course ; and, though 
 overwhelmed by boisterous billows, still emerges from 
 the troubled deep, spouting and blowing with tenfold 
 violence so did the inflexible Peter pursue, unwaver- 
 ing, his determined career, and rise contemptuous 
 above the clamours of the rabble. 
 
 But when the British warriors found, by the tenor 
 of his reply, that he set their power at defiance, they 
 forthwith despatched recruiting officers to Jamaica, 
 and Jericho, and Nineveh, and Quag, and Patchog, 
 and all those towns on Long Island, which had been 
 subdued of yore by the immortal Stoifel Brinkerhoff: 
 stirring up the valiant progeny of Preserved Fish, 
 and Determined Cock, and those other illustrious 
 squatters, to assail the city of New- Amsterdam by 
 land. In the meanwhile the hostile ships made awful 
 preparation to commence an assault by water. 
 
 The streets of New- Amsterdam now presented a 
 scene of wild dismay and consternation. In vain did 
 the gallant Stuyvesant order the citizens to arm and 
 assemble in the public square or marketplace. The 
 whole party of short pipes in the course of a single 
 night had changed into arrant old women a meta- 
 morphosis only to be paralleled by the prodigies re- 
 corded by Livy as having happened to Rome at the 
 approach of Hannibal ; when statues sweated in pure 
 aifright, goats were converted into sheep, and cocks 
 turned into hens ran cackling about the streets. 
 
 The harassed Peter, thus menaced from without 
 and tormented from within baited by the burgo- 
 masters and hooted at by the rabble chafed and 
 growled and raged, like a furious bear tied to a stake 
 and worried by a legion of scoundrel curs. Finding, 
 however, that all further attempts to defend the city 
 were vain, and hearing that an irruption of borderers 
 and moss-troopers was ready to deluge him from the 
 
382 HISTORY OF 
 
 east, he was at length compelled, in spite of his proud 
 heart, which swelled in his throat until it had nearly 
 choked him, to consent to a treaty of surrender. 
 
 Words cannot express the transports of the people, 
 on receiving this agreeable intelligence : had they 
 obtained a conquest over their enemies, they could 
 not have indulged greater delight. The streets re- 
 sounded with their congratulations they extolled 
 their governor as the father and deliverer of his coun- 
 try they crowded to his house to testify their grati- 
 tude, and were ten times more noisy in their plaudits, 
 than when he returned, with victory perched upon 
 his beaver, from the glorious capture of Fort Christina ; 
 but the indignant Peter shut his doors and windows, 
 and took refuge in the innermost recesses of his 
 mansion, that he might not hear the ignoble rejoicings 
 of the rabble. 
 
 In consequence of this consent of the governor, a 
 parley was demanded of the besieging forces to treat 
 of the terms of surrender. Accordingly a deputation 
 of six commissioners was appointed on both sides, and 
 on the 7th August, 1664, a capitulation highly 
 favourable to the province, and honourable to Peter 
 Stuyvesant, was agreed to by the enemy, who had 
 conceived a high opinion of the valour of the men of 
 the Manhattoes, and the magnanimity and unbounded 
 discretion of their governor. 
 
 One thing alone remained, which was, that the 
 articles of surrender should be ratified, and signed by 
 the governor. When the commissioners respectfully 
 waited upon him for this purpose, they were received 
 by the hardy old warrior with the most grim and 
 bitter courtesy. His warlike accoutrements were laid 
 aside an old India night gown was wrapped round 
 his rugged limbs, a red night-cap overshadowed his 
 frowning brow, and an iron-grey beard, of three days' 
 
NEW YORK. 383 
 
 growth, gave additional grimness to his visage. Thrice 
 did he seize a little worn-out stump of a pen, and 
 essay to sign the loathsome paper thrice did he 
 clench his teeth, and make a most horrible counte- 
 nance, as though a pestiferous dose of rhubarb, senna, 
 and ipecacuanha, had been offered to his lips ; at 
 length, dashing it from him, he seized his brass-hilted 
 sword, and jerking it from the scabbard, swore by St. 
 Nicholas, he'd sooner die than yield to any power under 
 heaven. 
 
 In vain was every attempt to shake this sturdy 
 resolution menaces, remonstrances, revilings were 
 exhausted to no purpose ; for two whole days was the 
 house of the valiant Peter besieged by the clamorous 
 rabble, and for two whole days did he betake himself 
 to his arms, and persist in a magnanimous refusal to 
 ratify the capitulation thus, like another Horatius 
 Codes, bearing the whole brunt of the war, and 
 defending this modern Rome, with the prowess of his 
 single arm ! 
 
 At length the populace, finding that boisterous 
 measures did but incense more determined opposition, 
 bethought themselves of an humble expedient, by 
 which, haply, the governor's lofty ire might be soothed, 
 and his resolution undermined. And now a solemn 
 and mournful procession, headed by the burgomasters 
 and schepens, and followed by the populace, moves 
 slowly to the governor's dwelling, bearing the capitu- 
 lation. Here they found the stout old hero, drawn 
 up like a giant into his castle, the doors strongly bar- 
 ricadoed, and himself in full regimentals, with his 
 cocked hat on head, firmly posted with a blunderbuss 
 at the garret window. 
 
 There was something in this formidable position 
 that struck even the ignoble vulgar with awe and 
 admiration. The brawling multitude could not but 
 reflect with self-abasement, upon their own pusillani- 
 
384 HISTORY OF 
 
 mous conduct, when they beheld their hardy but 
 deserted old governor thus faithful to his post; like a 
 forlorn hope, and fully prepared to defend his un- 
 grateful city to the last. These compunctions, how- 
 ever, were soon overwhelmed by the recurring tide 
 of public apprehension. The populace arranged 
 themselves before the house, taking off their hats with 
 most respectful humility Burgomaster Roerback, 
 who was of that popular class of orators, described by 
 old Sallust, as being " talkative rather than eloquent," 
 stepped forth and addressed the governor in a speech 
 of three hours' length ; detailing in the most pathetic 
 terms the calamitous situation of the province, and 
 urging him, in a constant repetition of the same argu- 
 ments and words, to sign the capitulation. 
 
 The mighty Peter eyed him from his little garret 
 window in grim silence now and then his eye would 
 glance over the surrounding rabble, and an indignant 
 grin, like that of an angry mastiff, would mark his 
 iron visage ; but though he was a man of most un- 
 daunted mettle though he had a heart as big as an 
 ox, and a head that would have set adamant to scorn 
 yet after all he was a mere mortal : wearied out by 
 these repeated oppositions, and this eternal harangue- 
 ing, and perceiving that unless he complied the in- 
 habitants would follow their inclinations, or rather 
 their fears, without waiting for his consent, he testily 
 ordered them to hand him up the paper. It was 
 accordingly hoisted to him on the end of a pole, and 
 having scrawled his name at the bottom of it, he 
 anathematised them all for a set of cowardly, mutinous, 
 degenerate poltroons threw the capitulation at their 
 heads, slammed down the window, and was heard 
 stumping down stairs with the most vehement indig- 
 nation. The rabble incontinently took to their heels ; 
 even the burgomasters were not slow in evacuating 
 the premises, fearing lest the sturdy Peter might issue 
 
NEW YORK. 385 
 
 from his den, and greet them with some unwelcome 
 testimonial of his displeasure. 
 
 Within three hours after the surrender a legion of 
 British beef-fed warriors poured into New Amster- 
 dam, taking possession of the fort and batteries. And 
 now might be heard, from all quarters, the sound of 
 hammers made by the old Dutch burghers, who were 
 busily employed, nailing up their doors and windows, 
 to protect their vrouws from these fierce barbarians, 
 whom they contemplated in silent sullenness from the 
 garret windows as they paraded through the streets. 
 
 Thus did Col. Richard Nichols, the commander of 
 the British forces, enter into quiet possession of the 
 conquered realm as locum tenens for the Duke of 
 York. The victory was attended with no other out- 
 rage than that of changing the name of the province 
 and its metropolis, which thenceforth were denomi- 
 nated NEW YORK, and so have continued to be called 
 unto the present day. The inhabitants, according to 
 treaty, were allowed to maintain quiet possession of 
 their property; but so inveterately did they retain 
 their abhorrence to the British nation, that in a private 
 meeting of the leading citizens, it was unanimously 
 determined never to ask any of their conquerors to 
 dinner. 
 
 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Containing the dignified Retirement and mortal Surrender of Peter 
 the Headstrong. 
 
 THUS, then, have I concluded this great historical 
 enterprise ; but, before I lay aside my weary peri, 
 there yet remains to be performed one pious duty. 
 If, among the variety of readers that may peruse this 
 book, there should haply be found any of those souls 
 c c 
 
386 HISTORY OF 
 
 of true nobility which glow with celestial fire at the 
 history of the generous and the brave, they will doubt- 
 less be anxious to know the fate of the gallant Peter 
 Stuyvesant. To gratify such one sterling heart of 
 gold I would go more lengths than to instruct the 
 cold-blooded curiosity of a whole fraternity of philo- 
 sophers. 
 
 No sooner had that high-mettled cavalier signed 
 the articles of capitulation, than, determined not to 
 witness the humiliation of his favourite city, he turned 
 his back on its walls, and made a growling retreat to 
 his Bouwery^ or country seat, which was situated 
 about two miles off. where he passed the remainder of 
 his days in patriarchal retirement. There he enjoyed 
 that tranquillity of mind which he had never known 
 amid the distracting cares of government, and tasted 
 the sweets of absolute and uncontrolled authority, 
 which his factious subjects had so often dashed with 
 the bitterness of opposition. 
 
 No persuasions could ever induce him to revisit 
 the city on the contrary, he would always have his 
 great arm-chair placed with its back to the windows 
 which looked in that direction, until a thick grove of 
 trees, planted by his own hand, grew up and formed 
 a screen that effectually excluded it from the prospect. 
 He railed continually at the degenerate innovations 
 and improvements introduced by the conquerors 
 forbade a word of their detested language to be spoken 
 in his family, a prohibition readily obeyed, since none 
 of the household could speak any thing but Dutch 
 and even ordered a fine avenue to be cut down in 
 front of his house because it consisted 'of English 
 cherry trees. 
 
 The same incessant vigilance that blazed forth when 
 he had a vast province under his care now showed 
 itself with equal vigour, though in narrower limits. 
 
NEW YORK. 387 
 
 He patrolled with unceasing watchfulness around the 
 boundaries of his little territory ; repelled every en- 
 croachment with intrepid promptness ; punished every 
 vagrant depredation upon his orchard or his farm-yard 
 with inflexible severity ; and conducted every stray 
 hog or cow in triumph to the pound. But to the indi- 
 gent neighbour, the friendless stranger, or the weary 
 wanderer, his spacious door was ever open, and his 
 capacious fire-place, that emblem of his own warm 
 and generous heart, had always a corner to receive 
 and cherish them. There was an exception to this, I 
 must confess, in case the ill-starred applicant was an 
 Englishman or a Yankee, to whom, though he might 
 extend the hand of assistance, he could never be 
 brought to yield the rites of hospitality. Nay, if per- 
 adventure some straggling merchant of the east should 
 stop at his door, with his cart-load of tin-ware or 
 wooden bowls, the fiery Peter would issue forth like 
 a giant from his castle, and make such a furious 
 clattering among his pots and kettles, that the vender of 
 " notions" was fain to betake himself to instant flight. 
 His ancient suit of regimentals, worn threadbare by 
 the brush, were carefully hung up in the state bed- 
 chamber, and regularly aired the first fair day of every 
 month ; and his cocked hat and trusty sword were 
 suspended in grim repose over the parlour mantle- 
 piece, forming supporters to a full-length portrait of 
 the renowned Admiral Von Tromp. In his domestic 
 empire he maintained strict discipline, and a well- 
 organised despotic government ; but, though his own 
 will was the supreme law, yet the good of his subjects 
 was his constant object. He watched over not merely 
 their immediate comforts, but their morals and their 
 ultimate welfare, for he gave them abundance of 
 excellent admonition ; nor could any of them complain 
 c c 2 
 
388 HISTORY OF 
 
 that, when occasion required, he was by any means 
 niggardly in bestowing 1 wholesome correction. 
 
 The good old Dutch festivals, those periodical 
 demonstrations of an overflowing heart and a thankful 
 spirit, which are falling into sad disuse among my fel- 
 low citizens, were faithfully observed in the mansion 
 of Governor Stuyvesant. New year was truly a day 
 of open-handed liberality, of jocund revelry, and warm- 
 hearted congratulation when the bosom seemed to 
 swell with genial good fellowship ; and the plenteous 
 table was attended with an unceremonious freedom, 
 and honest broad-mouthed merriment, unknown in 
 these days of degeneracy and refinement. Paas and 
 Pinxter were scrupulously observed throughout his 
 dominions ; nor was the day of St. Nicholas suffered 
 to pass by without making presents, hanging the 
 stocking in the chimney, and complying with all its 
 other ceremonies. 
 
 Once a-year, on the first day of April, he used to 
 array himself in full regimentals, being the anniversary 
 of his triumphal entry into New- Amsterdam, after the 
 conquest of New- Sweden. This was always a kind of 
 Saturnalia among the domestics, when they considered 
 themselves at liberty in some measure to say and do 
 what they pleased ; for on this day their master was 
 always observed to unbend, and become exceeding 
 pleasant and jocose, sending the old grey-headed 
 negroes on April fools' errands for pigeons' milk ; not 
 one of whom but allowed himself to be taken in, and 
 humoured his old master's jokes as became a faithful 
 and well-disciplined dependant. Thus did he reign, 
 happily and peacefully on his own land injuring no 
 man envying no man molested by no outward strifes 
 perplexed by no internal commotions ; and the 
 mighty monarchs of the earth, who were vainly seek- 
 
NEW YORK. 389 
 
 ing to maintain peace, and promote the welfare of man- 
 kind, by war arid desolation, would have done well to 
 have made a voyage to the little island of Manna-hata, 
 and learned a lesson in government from the domestic 
 economy of Peter Stuyvesant. 
 
 In process of time, however, the old governor, like 
 all other children of mortality, began to exhibit evident 
 tokens of decay. Like an aged oak, which, though it 
 long has braved the fury of the elements, and still 
 retains its gigantic proportions, yet begins to shake 
 and groan with every blast so the gallant Peter, 
 though he still bore the port and semblance of what 
 he was in the days of his hardihood and chivalry, yet 
 did age and infirmity begin to sap the vigour of his 
 frame ; but his heart, that most unconquerable citadel, 
 still triumphed unsubdued. With matchless avidity 
 would he listen to every article of intelligence con- 
 cerning the battles between the English and the Dutch. 
 Still would his pulse beat high whenever he heard 
 of the victories of De Ruyter ; and his countenance 
 lower, and his eye-brows knit, when fortune turned in 
 favour of the English. At length, as on a certain day, 
 he had just smoked his fifth pipe, and was napping 
 after dinner, in his arm chair, conquering the whole 
 British nation in his dreams, he was suddenly aroused 
 by a fearful ringing of bells, rattling of drums, and 
 roaring of cannon, that put all his blood in a ferment. 
 But when he learned that these rejoicings were in 
 honour of a great victory obtained by the combined 
 English and French fleets over the brave De Ruyter 
 and the younger Von Tromp, it went so much to his 
 heart, that he took to his bed, and in less than' three 
 days was brought to death's door by a violent cholera 
 morbus ! But even in this extremity he still displayed 
 the unconquerable spirit of Peter the Headstrong; 
 holding out, to the last gasp, with the most inflexible 
 
390 HISTORY OF 
 
 obstinacy, against a whole army of old women, who 
 were bent upon driving the enemy out of his bowels, 
 after a true Dutch mode of defence, by inundating the 
 seat of war with catnip and pennyroyal. 
 
 While he thus lay, lingering on the verge of disso- 
 lution, news was brought him that the brave Ruyter 
 had suffered but little loss had made good his retreat 
 and meant once more to meet the enemy in battle. 
 The closing eye of the old warrior kindled at the 
 words he partly raised himself in bed a flash of 
 martial fire beamed across his visage he clenched 
 his withered hand as if he felt within his gripe that 
 sword which waved in triumph before the walls of 
 Fort Christina, and, giving a grim smile of exultation, 
 sunk back upon his pillow, and expired. 
 
 Thus died Peter Stuyvesant, a valiant soldier, a 
 loyal subject, an upright governor, and an honest 
 Dutchman who wanted only a few empires to deso- 
 late to have been immortalised as a hero ! 
 
 His funeral obsequies were celebrated with the 
 utmost grandeur and solemnity. The town was per- 
 fectly emptied of its inhabitants, who crowded in 
 throngs to pay the last sad honours to their good old 
 governor. All his sterling qualities rushed in full 
 tide upon their recollections, while the memory of his 
 foibles and his faults had expired with him. The 
 ancient burghers contended who should have the privi- 
 lege of bearing the pall the populace strove who 
 should walk nearest to the bier and the melancholy 
 procession was closed by a number of grey-headed 
 negroes, who had wintered and summered in the house- 
 hold of their departed master for the greater part of 
 a century. 
 
 With sad and gloomy countenances, the multitude 
 gathered round the grave. They dwelt with mourn- 
 ful hearts on the sturdy virtues, the signal services. 
 
NEW YORK. 391 
 
 and the gallant exploits of the brave old worthy. They 
 recalled, with secret upbraidings, their own factious 
 oppositions to his government and many an ancient 
 burgher, whose phlegmatic features had never been 
 knpwn to relax, nor his eyes to moisten, was now 
 observed to puff a pensive pipe, and the big drop to 
 steal down his cheek while he muttered, with affec- 
 tionate accent and melancholy shake of the head 
 " Well, den ! Hard-koppig Peter ben gone at last." 
 
 His remains were deposited in the family vault, 
 under a chapel, which he had piously erected on his 
 estate, and dedicated to St. Nicholas and which stood 
 on the identical spot at present occupied by St. Mark's 
 Church, where his tombstone is still to be seen. His 
 estate, or Bouwery^ as it was called, has ever con- 
 tinued in the possession of his descendants ; who, by 
 the uniform integrity of their conduct, and their strict 
 adherence to the customs and manners that prevailed 
 in the "good old times" have proved themselves 
 worthy of their illustrious ancestor. Many a time and 
 oft has the farm been haunted at night by enterpris- 
 ing* money diggers, in quest of pots of gold said to 
 have been buried by the old governor though I can- 
 not learn that any of them have ever been enriched 
 by their researches- and who is there, among my 
 native-born fellow citizens, that does not remember, 
 when in the mischievous days of his boyhood, he con- 
 ceived it a great exploit to rob " Stuyvesant's orchard" 
 on a holiday afternoon ? 
 
 At this strong hold of the family may still be seen 
 certain memorials of the immortal Peter. His full 
 length portrait frowns in martial terrors from the par- 
 lour wall his cocked hat and sword still hang up in 
 the best bedroom. His brimstone-coloured breeches 
 were for a long while suspended in the hall, until some 
 years since they occasioned a dispute between a new 
 
892 HISTORY OF 
 
 married couple. And his silver mounted wooden leg 
 is still treasured up in the store-room as an invaluable 
 relique. 
 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 The Author's Reflections upon what hcas been said. 
 
 AMONG the numerous events, which are each in 
 their turn the most direful and melancholy of all pos- 
 sible occurrences, in your interesting and authentic 
 history, there is none that occasions such deep and 
 heart-rending grief, as the decline and fall of your 
 renowned and mighty empires. Where is the reader 
 who can contemplate without emotion, the disastrous 
 events by which the great dynasties of the world have 
 been extinguished? While wandering, in imagina- 
 tion, among the gigantic ruins of states and empires, 
 and marking the tremendous convulsions that wrought 
 their overthrow, the bosom of the melancholy in- 
 quirer swells with sympathy commensurate to the sur- 
 rounding desolation. Kingdoms, principalities, and 
 powers, have each had their rise, their progress, and 
 their downfall each in its turn has swayed a potent 
 sceptre each has returned to his primeval nothing- 
 ness ; and thus did it fare with the empire of their 
 High Mightinesses, at the Manhattoes, under the 
 peaceful reign of Walter the Doubter the fretful 
 reign of William the Testy and the chivalric reign 
 of Peter the Headstrong. 
 
 Its history is fruitful of instruction, and worthy of 
 being pondered over attentively; for it is by thus 
 raking among the ashes of departed greatness, that 
 the sparks of true knowledge are found, and the lamp 
 of wisdom illumined. Let then the reign of Walter 
 the Doubter warn against yielding to that sleek, con- 
 
NEW YORK. 393 
 
 tented security, that overweening fondness for comfort 
 and repose, that are produced by a state of prosperity 
 and peace. These tend to unnerve a nation, to de- 
 stroy its pride of character ; to render it patient of 
 insult, deaf to the calls of honour and of justice ; and 
 cause it to cling to peace, like the sluggard to his 
 pillow, at the expense of every valuable duty and con- 
 sideration. Such supineness insures the very evil 
 from which it shrinks. One right yielded up pro- 
 duces the usurpation of a second ; one encroachment 
 passively suffered makes way for another; and the 
 nation that thus, through a doating^ love of peace, has 
 sacrificed honour and interest, will at length have to 
 fight for existence. 
 
 Let the disastrous reign of William the Testy serve 
 as a salutary warning against that fitful, feverish mode 
 of legislation, that acts without system ; depends on 
 shifts and projects, and trusts to lucky contingencies ; 
 that hesitates and wavers, and at length decides with 
 the rashness of ignorance and imbecility. That stoops 
 for popularity by courting the prejudices, and flattering 
 the arrogance, rather than commanding the respect of 
 the rabble. That seeks safety in a multitude of coun- 
 sellors, and distracts itself by a variety of contradictory 
 schemes and opinions. That mistakes procrastination 
 for deliberate wariness hurry for decision starveling 
 parsimony for wholesome economy bustle for business 
 and vapouring for valour. That is violent in 
 council, sanguine in expectation, precipitate in action, 
 and feeble in execution. That undertakes enterprises 
 without forethought, enters upon them without prepa- 
 ration, conducts them without energy, and ends them 
 in confusion and defeat. 
 
 Let the reign of the good Stuyvesant show the 
 effects of vigour and decision, even when destitute of 
 cool judgment, and surrounded by perplexities. Let 
 
394 HISTORY OF 
 
 it show how frankness, probity, and high souled 
 courage will command respect and secure honour, 
 even where success is unattainable. But, at the same- 
 time, let it caution against a too ready reliance on the 
 good faith of others, and a too honest confidence in the 
 loving professions of powerful neighbours, who are 
 most friendly when they most mean to betray. Let 
 it teach a judicious attention to the opinions and 
 wishes of the many, who, in times of peril, must be 
 soothed and led, or apprehension will overpower the 
 deference to authority. 
 
 Let the empty wordiness of* his factious subjects 
 their intemperate harangues their violent " resolu- 
 tions" their hectorings against an absent enemy, 
 and their pusillanimity on his approach teach us to 
 distrust and despise these clamorous patriots, whose 
 courage dwells but in the tongue. Let them serve as 
 a lesson to repress that insolence of speech, destitute 
 of real force, which too often breaks forth in popular 
 bodies, and bespeaks the vanity rather than the spirit 
 of a nation. Let them caution us against vaunting 
 too much of our own power and prowess, and reviling 
 a noble enemy. True gallantry of soul would always 
 lead us to treat a foe with courtesy and proud punctilio ; 
 a contrary conduct but takes from the merit of victory, 
 and renders defeat doubly disgraceful. 
 
 But I cease to dwell on the stores of excellent 
 example to be drawn from the ancient chronicles of 
 the Manhattoes. He who reads attentively will dis- 
 cover the threads of gold, which run throughout; the 
 web of history, and are invisible to the dull eye of 
 ignorance. But before I conclude, let me point out 
 a solemn warning, furnished in the subtle chain of 
 events by which the capture of Fort Casimir has 
 produced the present convulsions of our globe. 
 
 Attend then, gentle reader, to this plain deduction. 
 
NEW YORK. 395 
 
 which if thou art a king-, an emperor, or other power- 
 ful potentate, I advise thee to treasure up in thy 
 heart, though little expectation have I that my work 
 will fall into such hands ; for well I know the care 
 of crafty ministers, to keep all grave and edifying 
 books of the kind out of the way of unhappy monarchs, 
 lest, peradventure, they should read them and learn 
 wisdom. 
 
 By the treacherous surprisal of Fort Casimir then 
 did the crafty Swedes enjoy a transient triumph ; but 
 drew upon their heads the vengeance of Peter Stuy- 
 vesant, who wrested all New Sweden from their 
 hands. By the conquest of New Sweden, Peter Stuy- 
 vesant aroused the claims of Lord Baltimore ; who 
 appealed to the cabinet of Great Britain ; who sub- 
 dued the whole province of New Netherlands. By 
 this great achievement the whole extent of North 
 America, from Nova Scotia to the Floridas, was- 
 rendered one entire dependency upon the British 
 crown ; but mark the consequence. The hitherto 
 scattered colonies being thus consolidated, and having 
 no rival colonies to check or keep them in awe, waxed 
 great and powerful ; and, finally, becoming too strong 
 for the mother country, were enabled to shake off its 
 bonds, and by a glorious revolution became an inde- 
 pendent empire. But the chain of effects stopped not 
 here; the successful revolution in America produced 
 the sanguinary revolution in France, which produced 
 the puissant Buonaparte, who produced the French 
 despotism, which has thrown the whole world in con- 
 fusion! Thus have these great powers been suc- 
 cessively punished for their ill-starred conquests ; and 
 thus, as I asserted, have all the present convulsions, 
 revolutions, and disasters that overwhelm mankind, 
 originated in the capture of the little Fort Casimir, as 
 recorded in this eventful history. 
 
396 HISTORY OF 
 
 And now, worthy reader, ere I take a sad farewell 
 which, alas ! must be for ever willingly would I 
 part in cordial fellowship, and bespeak thy kind- 
 hearted remembrance. That I have not written a 
 better history of the days of the patriarchs is not my 
 fault had any other person written one as good, I 
 should not have attempted it at all that many will 
 hereafter spring up and surpass me in excellence, I 
 have very little doubt, and still less care ; well know- 
 ing, that when the great Christovallo Colon (who is . 
 vulgarly called Columbus) had once stood his egg 
 upon its end, every one at table could stand his up a 
 thousand times more dexterously. Should any reader 
 iind matter of offence in this history, I should heartily 
 grieve, though I would on no account question his 
 penetration, by telling him he is mistaken his good 
 nature, by telling him he is captious or his pure 
 f ^science, by telling him he is startled at a shadow. 
 Purely if he is so ingenious in finding offence where 
 none is intended, it were a thousand pities he should 
 not be suffered to enjoy the benefit of his discovery. 
 
 I have too high an opinion of the understanding of 
 my fellow- citizens, to think of yielding them any in- 
 struction, and I covet too much their good will, to 
 forfeit it by giving them good advice. I am none of 
 those cynics who despise the world, because it de- 
 spises them on the contrary, though but low in its 
 regard, I look up to it with the most perfect good 
 nature, and my only sorrow is, that it does not prove 
 itself more worthy of the unbounded love I bear it. 
 
 If, however, in this my historic production the 
 scanty fruit of a long and laborious life I have failed 
 to gratify the dainty palate of the age, I can only 
 lament my misfortune for it is too late in the season 
 for me even to hope to repair it. Already has wither- 
 ing age showered his sterile snows upon my brow ; in 
 
NEW YORK. 397 
 
 a little while, and this genial warmth, which still 
 lingers around my heart, and throbs worthy reader 
 throbs kindly towards thyself, will be chilled for 
 ever. Haply this frail compound of dust, which while 
 alive may have given birth to nought but unprofitable 
 weeds, may form an humble sod of the valley, from 
 whence may spring many a sweet wild flower, to adorn 
 my beloved island of Manna-hata ! 
 
 THE END. 
 
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