tJWV/TM'
 
 SECRET JOURNAL 
 
 OF 
 
 A Self- Observer ; 
 
 OR, 
 
 CONFESSIONS AND FAMILIAR LETTERS 
 
 Of THt 
 
 Rev. J. C. LAVATER, 
 
 AUTHOR OF THE 
 
 ISSAYS ON PHYSIOGNOMY, THE APHORISMS ON 
 MAN, VIEWS OF ETERNITY, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 IN TWO VOLUMES. 
 
 TRANSLATED FROM THE GERMAN ORIGINAL, 
 
 By the Rev. PETER WILL, 
 
 MINISTER. OF THI RErORMKD GERMAN CHAPEL IN TUK 3AV0T. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 The large Indictment ftands before my View, 
 
 Drawn forth by Confcience, moft amazing true ; 
 
 And fill'd with Secrets hid fronf human Eye, 
 
 When, fooliih Man ! thy God Itood witnefs by. 
 
 Then, oh, thou Maicfly divinely great, 
 
 Accept the fad Confeflions I repeat; 
 
 For thine's the contrite Spirit, thinc's an Heart 
 
 Oppreffed with Sorrow, broke with inward Smart j 
 
 That at thy Foot-ftool in Confeflion fhows 
 
 How well its faulti, how well the Judge it knows. 
 
 PARNILL. 
 
 lontoon : 
 
 rRINTKD rOR T. CAOtLL, JON. AND W. DAVIE1 (sUCCtOR 
 TO MR. CADELI.), IN THE STRAND.
 
 P R E F ' A C E 
 
 OF THE 
 
 EDITOR. 
 
 SENTIMENTAL works and books which tend to 
 promote the knowledge of the human heart, being, 
 at prefent, read with fo much avidity, the fubfe- 
 quent Journal may hope to be not entirely unaccept- 
 able to many a feeling and fenfible heart. 
 
 Thus much, at leaft, is certain, and it has fre- 
 quently been repeated by keen-fighted obfervers, 
 that a faithful and circumftantial moral hiftory of 
 the moft common and unromantic character is infi- 
 nitely more important, and fitter for improving the 
 human heart, than the moft extraordinary and in- 
 terefting Novel. The number of thofe that may 
 expect to derive a real and lafting moral benefit from 
 A 2 the
 
 IV PREFACE Of THE EDITOR. 
 
 the former, are as thoufand to one, if compared 
 with thofe that, perhaps, may reap the fame ad- 
 vantage from the latter. Few only arc called to be- 
 come heroes on the public/^*? of the world j but 
 all, without exception, are deftinated to become 
 heroes in dome/lie virtue. 
 
 It ought to be entirely indifferent to the reader by 
 what accident the following fheets are come in my 
 pofieffion. Suffice it to fay, that they are the real 
 and genuine Journal of a man, whofe firft and laft 
 concern it was to get thoroughly acquainted with his 
 heart ; that the Author is a man of a cheerful and 
 open difpoiltion, and not in the leaft given to gloomy 
 
 melancholy j in fliort, of a man who -but I 
 
 will not add a word more to his praife, left I point 
 out his perfon more diftinctly than the fcope of the 
 prefent work requires *. The dear man will certainly 
 
 * If the reader will take the trouble to read the two letters 
 which are prefixed to the fecond volume of the Journal, he will 
 learn why, notwithftandirig this declaration of the Editor, Mr. La- 
 vater is mentioned, on the title page, as the real author of the 
 fubfequerit work. 
 
 never
 
 PREFACE OF THE EDITOR. T 
 
 never have imagined that his fentiments and obfer- 
 vations would one time be difclofed to the Public ; 
 of which the negligence, and the fimplicity with 
 Which they are written, will eafily convince every 
 candid reader. He will, undoubtedly, be terrified 
 at the fight of a printed copy ; however, he will, at 
 the fame time, be generous enough not to be angry 
 with the Editor for having taken a liberty which, 
 probably, will occafion the beautifulleft fentiments. 
 It is natural to expect that nothing has been inter- 
 polated hi the Journal, although fome part of it has 
 been omitted, left the author would have been 
 known, or expofed to mifreprefentations. 
 
 The Editor flatters himfelf that the Public will 
 not be difpleafed with the infertion of thofe paflages 
 which properly do not belong to the Author's obfer- 
 vations on himfelf, but contain either the charac- 
 teriftic of others, or criticifms on books or pafTages, 
 which made a particular impreffion on him, &c. 
 &c. &c. 
 
 Only one month has previoufly been offered to the 
 Public as a Specimen, and if the aim of the Editor 
 
 fcould
 
 *i PREFACE OF THE EDITOR., 
 
 fliould be attained, it will be in his power to publifh 
 two more. 
 
 As for the reft, we wifh that our readers may pof- 
 fefs that candour which charadlerifes the Author of 
 the Journal, and the publication of the prefent work 
 will need no further apology. 
 
 A. P. R. 
 
 R. Oftober, 1770. 
 
 
 PREFACE
 
 PREFACE OF THE TRANSLATOR. 
 
 X HE fcope of the fubfequent work, as well as the 
 hiftory of its publication, being fully explained in 
 Mr. Lavater's letter, which is prefixed to the fecond 
 volume, the Tranflator has nothing to add, but to 
 beg the Reader not to impute it to him, if the ftile 
 in which the Journal is written fhould appear rather 
 fingular. Mr. Lavater's manner of expreffing hi* 
 ideas, being as extraordinary as his manner of think- 
 ing, thofe who are not intimately acquainted with 
 the writings of this eccentric, but truly venerable 
 man, will eafily be induced to miftake for a foreign 
 idiom what, in reality, is an idiom of the Author, 
 and could not be exchanged for a genuine Englifh 
 one, as it is the peculiar charadteriftic which diftin- 
 guifhes his way of thinking. Confidering this, the 
 Tranflator flatters himfelf that he will not be pro- 
 nounced arrogant, if he hopes that not all expref- 
 fions, which may found rather ftrange in an elegant 
 
 car,
 
 Vlii PREFACE OF THE TRANSLATOR. 
 
 car, will be charged on him as proofs of neglect, or 
 of a too deficient knowledge of the language. The 
 prefent Tranflation, which originally was intended 
 to be circulated only in manufcript, among fome ad- 
 mirers of Mr. Lavater, would certainly never have 
 been intruded on the Public, if the Tranflator were 
 not fully perfuaded, that its great utility will over- 
 balance its many defects, and contribute to propa- 
 gate piety and religious prudence, for which purpofo 
 he recommends the perufal of it particularly to his 
 congregation, who always have difplayed the moft 
 laudable defire to improve in Chriftian knowledge 
 and virtue. 
 
 May the divine Author of Truth give his bleffing 
 to the weak efforts of the Tranflator, to contribute 
 his mite to the encreafe of ferious meditation and 
 Chriftian circumfpeftion, and animate the readers 
 of thefe pages with a fincere and active defire to 
 profit by the example of their venerable Author ! 
 
 Upper Thornhaugh-Street. 
 
 JOURNAL
 
 JOURNAL 
 
 OF 
 
 A SELF-OBSERVER. 
 
 INTRODUCTION. 
 JANUARY, 1769. 
 
 IN THE NAME OF THE OMNISCIENT AND 
 OMNIPRESENT GOD, 
 
 I AM going to begin a Journal with this 
 prefent year. O that not one of my future 
 days might 'be entirely loft to heaven and 
 myfelf! that every one might be diftin- 
 guifhed by at leaft one good deed, and moft 
 of them entirely dedicated to Thee, my God ; 
 becoming an immortal foul, and a fource of 
 eternal happinefs. 
 
 VOL. I. B Spirit
 
 2 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 Spirit of Grace remind me every day to 
 watch and to pray, becaufe I do not know 
 when my Judge mall come : yes, my foul, 
 work while it is day, for the night cometh 
 when no man can work. O Lord, teach me 
 to number my days, that I may apply my 
 heart unto wifdom. 
 
 Let me, Father, let me never 
 Sink in (lumber's peaceful lap, 
 Till I have furveyed the aftions, 
 And the errors of the day. 
 
 And thou, my heart, be fincere : do not 
 conceal from me thy fecret recefles j I will 
 make friendlhip, and eret a covenant with 
 thee. Know, my heart, that no friendship 
 upon earth is wifer, and more abounding in 
 bleffings, than the friendfhip and intimacy of 
 a heart with itfelf. He who is not his own 
 confidant, can never become a friend of 
 God and virtue. The more we fhun our- 
 
 felves.
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 3 
 
 felvcs, the nearer we approach to hypocrify ; 
 and there is nothing in the world I defpife 
 more than an hypocrite. 
 
 Thofe that know the human heart have 
 made the juft remark, that we ceafe being 
 fmcere, as foon as we perceive that we are 
 obferved. But it is juft the reverfe with a 
 rigorous obfervation of ourfelves ; we always 
 begin to be fmcere, as foon as our heart per- 
 ceives that we watch its fentiments. 
 
 Left I fhould deceive myfelf, I will make 
 a firm refolution never to mew thefe re- 
 marks to any perfon whatever ; to conceal 
 them with the greateft care, and to write 
 every thing that could produce the leaft bad 
 confequence in ciphers entirely arbitrary, 
 which no one but myfelf fliall be able to 
 folve j and to write down every thing remark- 
 able. I fhall perceive in the courfe and fluc- 
 tuation of my fentiments, all the fecret 
 B 2 artifices
 
 4 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 artifices of paflions ; every thing which may 
 have a remarkable influence upon the im- 
 provement of my moral character, &c. &c. 
 &c. as carefully, as if I were to read my 
 journal to God: fo carefully, that on my 
 death-bed I fhall be enabled, by thefe re- 
 cords, to give to myfelf an account of my 
 life, like that which will be laid before me, 
 when my fpirit fhall have taken its flight to 
 better regions. 
 
 DAILY RULES. 
 
 The following rules fhall always be before 
 mine eyes; they mall be fufpended fome- 
 where in my fludy, and read and revolved 
 by me every morning and evening. 
 
 I. 
 
 I will never rife in the, morning without 
 offering thanks and prayers to God ; nor 
 
 without
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 5 
 
 without refle&ing that it, perhaps, may be 
 the laft time. 
 
 II. 
 
 I will never begin my daily occupations, 
 neither in the morning nor in the afternoon, 
 without having previoufly implored God, on 
 my knees, in a retired place (at lead for a 
 few moments), to grant me his aid and 
 blefling. 
 
 III. 
 
 I will not do nor defign any thing I would 
 omit if Jcfus (Thrift were ftanding vifibly be- 
 fore me j nothing which I might repent of 
 at the uncertain hour of death. I will, with 
 the afliftance of God, accuftom myfelf to do 
 every thing, without exception, in the name 
 of Jefus Chrift j and, as his difciple, to figh 
 every hour to God for the bleflings of the 
 Holy Ghoft, and always to be difpofed to 
 prayer. 
 
 63 IV. J xvill
 
 6 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 IV. 
 
 I will read every day a chapter in the 
 Bible, and particularly in the gofpel; and 
 feleft fome fentiment or other from the 
 chapters I mall read, and revolve it fre- 
 quently in my mind. 
 
 V. 
 
 Every day mall be marked with at leait 
 one particular work of charity. 
 
 VI. 
 
 I will make it every day my principal 
 bufinefs to be ufeful to my family. 
 
 VII. 
 
 I will never eat or drink fo much as to 
 caufe the lead inconvenience or hindrance 
 in the performance of my occupations ; and 
 between meals abflain, as much as poffible, 
 
 from
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 7 
 
 from drinking wine, and from eating (a morfel 
 in the evening excepted). 
 
 VIIL 
 
 Whitherfoever I may go, I will previoufly 
 figh to God that I may not commit a fin, but 
 always leave behind me fomething ufeful ; 
 the fame I will do before every meal where- 
 foever I may take it. 
 
 IX. 
 
 I will never fleep longer than eight hours, 
 at moft, whilft in health. 
 
 X. 
 
 I will never lay down to fleep without 
 having prayed firft. 
 
 XI. 
 
 In my prayers for others, which I will 
 
 never omit, I will mention by name my pa- 
 
 B 4 rents,
 
 8 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 rents, my wife, my children, my fervants, 
 and my friends, &c, 
 
 XII. 
 
 I will examine myfelf after thefe rules 
 every night, and honeftly mark in my jour- 
 nal the number which I mail have omitted; 
 the fame I will obferve with regard to what- 
 ever I mall have read, tranfa&ed, finned, and 
 learned. God, thou feed what I have wrote ; 
 may I be able to read it every morning with 
 fincerity, and every night with joy, and the 
 loud applaufe of my conscience. 
 
 JANUARY
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 9 
 
 JANUARY i, 1769. 
 
 THIS morning I awoke at three o'clock, 
 and heard the watchman : I never hear him 
 without fome fweet melancholy, accompa- 
 nied by a nice perception of the fleetnefs of 
 my life, and of the imperfect ideas of fleep- 
 lefs philofophers, fighing, and fick people, 
 women in labour, dying, &c. &c. This morn- 
 ing I had a livelier fenfe of that idea than 
 ufual ; I proftrated myfelf in my imagination 
 before God, and offered to him the firft fen- 
 timents of this new year (I could not check 
 my tears as I was filently praying), and re- 
 commended to the mercy of God all my 
 brethren and fillers in the whole world. I 
 revolved in my mind the above-mentioned 
 rules ; renewed my pious resolutions, and 
 with a ferene confidence refigned my whole 
 temporal an<i eternal happinefs to the cars 
 
 ftf
 
 10 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 of my beft and faithfulleft Father in hea- 
 ven. 
 
 Then flept again with tranquillity till half 
 an hour paft fix, when I awoke with joy and 
 gratitude, prayed, repeated the new year's 
 hymn of Gellert, and read the four firft 
 chapters of St. Matthew. My fentiments 
 for the day was: Thou malt not tempt the 
 Lord thy God. 
 
 O, my God ! I will look up to Thee for 
 every blefling during the enfuing year, and 
 never doubt but that thou wilt grant me 
 more than thou haft promifed, and never 
 afk what thou haft not promifed. 
 
 I took the firm refolution to wifh to-day 
 to no one an happy new year with my lips 
 only. O ! what an offence againft truth is it 
 to wifli one with the lips a bleffing which 
 the heart does not concur in ; and, perhaps, 
 might envy another in the enjoyment thereof. 
 
 Be
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. II 
 
 Be thou, therefore, ever prefent to my heart 
 to-day, thou facred fenfe of fincerity ; and, 
 oh ! my heart, never forget that it is mean 
 hypocrify to pronounce a with without mean- 
 ing any thing with it. I found it difficult to 
 execute this refolution. My words overfliot 
 my fentiments feveral times. I overtook them 
 again, and always felt an inward pleafure 
 when I perceived that my wifhes were 
 anointed with fincerity and love for human- 
 kind. 
 
 Good God ! how many inward and valu- 
 able pleafures do we chafe away from our 
 foul, by banifliing from it humanity, the moft 
 precious jewel of our nature. Mortals, like 
 myfelf, brothers and fillers are all of you, 
 who with me inhabit one globe, breathe one 
 air, and imbibe the light of one fun, and I 
 mould force myfelf to wifh you happy ; I 
 fhould mean and feel nothing, when I am 
 
 wifhing
 
 1.2 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 wifhing you, in the prefence of the omnipre* 
 fent Father, the Father of all, happy days, 
 health, new ftrength for being virtuous, and 
 every thing that God himfelf calls bleffings. 
 Wiihing an happy new year to my maid, I 
 fuppreffed fome bitter reflections which were 
 going to mix with my wifh. I fpoke with 
 that natural mild refignation which is always 
 the companion of true fimplicity : however, 
 I cannot deny that I conquered my acrimony; 
 I believed to have performed fomething 
 great, and fomething very mean : if thou, 
 my heart! hadft conquered thyfelf a little 
 lefs. 
 
 Alas! how inattentive was I at church 
 and yet I had prayed fervently at firft what 
 a trifle was it that took away my attention ! 
 Good God! if I did but know by what means 
 I could fix my foul ! How fudden is the tran- 
 fition from ferious devotion to wild fancies-^- 
 
 a mien,
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 13 
 
 a mien, a muff. Alas! what infignificant 
 trifles withdraw my attention from heaven 
 to earth ! The fermon on the fleetnefs of 
 human life made me, however, again very 
 ferious, until the preacher began to pro- 
 nounce his wifhes. What an art is it to 
 gratulate in an artlefs manner ! I will, how- 
 ever, firft learn myfelf how to gratulate with 
 fincerity, before I weigh the gratulations of 
 x>thers on the balance of criticifm. 
 
 In the evening I endeavoured to be alone 
 as foon as poflible. I mud converfe with 
 myfelf. Shall I live this year more happy 
 and virtuous ? faid I to myfelf this morning. 
 I began my talk with writing down my jour- 
 nal, and continued it thus far. Now it 
 (truck five o'clock already five o'clock, faid 
 I, and I have not yet performed any parti- 
 cular work of charity ; to-morrow I could 
 indeed perform two, inftead of one, and thus
 
 14 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 make up the omiffion of this day ; however, 
 I will not tranfgrefs, knowingly, a rule, the 
 performance of which I have to-day folemnly 
 promifed to God and my confcience ; for 
 that reafon I would not let pafs the prefent 
 firft day of the year without having per- 
 formed a particular work of charity. An- 
 other reafon perhaps was, becaufe I wifhed 
 to have the pleafure, on the firft day of the 
 next year, to look back on this day with the 
 joy of a benevolent heart ; for I have fre- 
 quently remarked, that I have a particular 
 defire of marking with virtuous a&ions, and, 
 above all, with deeds of charity, thofe days 
 which diftinguim themfelves in the almanack 
 by fome extraordinary feftivity, or fomething 
 elfe remarkable. How eafy do we recollet 
 them when they return the next year ! On 
 New-year's-day, on my birth-day, on Eafter- 
 day, I have been here or there ; have per- 
 formed
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. I<J 
 
 formed this or that that haplefs fufferer 
 who is now reftored to his health or that 
 brother who, perhaps, is now in the other 
 world or a third who fuffers ftill. Oh! 
 how did he rejoice on that day, when I fur- 
 prifed him with a charitable relief. But now 
 I will rife ; will leave off writing. I will not 
 write a line more, but go and al. But 
 whither am I going ? and what do I intend 
 to do ? Thou needeft not go far. Has not 
 my maid a fick mother, who, moreover, is 
 poor ? How often has me already begged 
 foft old linen to drefs her wounds with ? 
 I went down to my wife: " My dear! I 
 " want a new-year's gift ;" " For whom ?" 
 " For myfelf, or rather for a poor perfon ; 
 " or for him who has faid : inafmuch as ye 
 " have done it unto one of the leaft of my brethrer, 
 " ye have done it unto me." " Well, what is it 
 
 " then ?" Some old linen for Kitty's mo- 
 
 then"
 
 l6 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " ther." " Is that all ? I will inftantly go* 
 " and look for fome: but then I beg of 
 " you a' reciprocal kindnefs- let us fing 
 " fome hymns." I confented to it, and did 
 ft with inward pleafure, with a pious fatis- 
 faction, and with tears of joy. 
 
 What is the reafon that I am never more 
 pious than when I hear fpiritual mufick ? 
 Are the fine, fweet, melting fenfations, 
 which it commonly thrills the foul with, 
 really of a moral nature ; although they are 
 nothing but the immediate effecl of tones, 
 of certain circular vibrations of the air ; 
 although they feem to be merely mechani- 
 cal, vaniflnng as foon as the tones are heard 
 no more, leaving fo rarely a lafting impref- 
 fion behind ? And yet I have frequently been 
 proud of them ; have numbered them on the 
 (core of my moral feelings: but mould virtue 
 be nothing elfe but the effect of a vibration 
 
 of
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. lj 
 
 of the ai/, regulated in this or that manner, 
 can a true moral nature be afcribed to a 
 fentiment which does not root in the foul ; 
 coming only on certain occafions, and difap- 
 pearing with them r Should not fdf-fuffitiency 
 be the effential character of virtue ? The con- 
 fcioufneTs of acting right under all circum- 
 ftances ; the inward conviction of the law- 
 fulnefs of our aftions fhould not that be 
 the criterion of our character ? But cannot 
 fentiments be fincere> and of a moral nature, 
 although they be produced only by acci- 
 dental circumflances ? A difficult query. It 
 can, however, not be denied ; only thofe 
 fentiments which I can create within myfelf, 
 as often as I choofe, through juft and great 
 ideas which I can produce, and which are 
 natural and familiar to me on all occafions 
 only thofe fentiments I mail take over 
 with me into the other world. Mufick can 
 VOL. I. C ia ife
 
 l8 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 raife rtiy feelings ; yet my God and my Re- 
 deemer will not be lefs amiable, although 
 the mulick mould have died away like a foft 
 ftream of harmonies. It is always true, that 
 I owe him my exiftence, and my immorta- 
 lity 5 and this idea, ever true and inconteft- 
 able, ought always to have a felf-fufficient 
 power of roufing within myfelf fentiments 
 of gratitude and love. 
 
 Thus Tar I had wrote, when my wife 
 brought me the little bundle of linen I had 
 defired. " Will that do ?" Perfeftly well! 
 " I will give it to the fervant," faid I. The 
 fervant was called ; flie anfwered, crofsly, 
 (lie could not come. Her anfwer did not 
 provoke me ; and it made me quite proud 
 that I was not angry, and mould be able to 
 fhame her, by a gift for her mother. Five 
 minutes after me came : " What are your 
 
 " commands ?" " Kitty," faid I, in a firm 
 
 and
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 19 
 
 and gentle accent, " there is fomething for 
 " your mother ; you may go prefently, and 
 " take it to her." It was indeed a triumph 
 to me, to fee her furprifed, and fo much 
 afhamed: me went away, and I was fatis- 
 fied. 
 
 We fupped foon after, and I was very 
 cheerful during our meal. When the table 
 was going to be cleared, I ftruggled with 
 myfelf, whether I mould, or fhould not fay, 
 " henceforward we will always join in our 
 " evening prayers." How cowardly is it of 
 the father of a houfe not to dare to make 
 the rlrft advances towards fo laudable a cuf- 
 tom ? However, I attempted it ; fetched in- 
 ftantly the excellent hymns of Gellert, and 
 prayed : then we parted, and I perufed my 
 rules, and my journal. Have I performed 
 every thing in the name of Jefus Chrift ? 
 Have I prayed for the perfons named in my 
 C a eleventh
 
 20 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 eleventh rule? No-j I have not; I will do 
 it now. O ! merciful God ! with Thee will 
 I converfe, before mine eyes mall be clofed. 
 
 JANUARY the Second. 
 
 I AWOKE at fix o'clock, remembered 
 that I am a mortal, gave thanks to God, 
 and read the fifth, fixth, and feventh chap- 
 ters of St. Matthew. What a treafure of 
 morals! How difficult to fingle out a parti- 
 cular paflage ! I went dire&ly to my occu- 
 pations, and continued them fucceflively till 
 noon. I ate with a good appetite. My wife 
 alked me, during dinner, what fentiment I had 
 chofen for the prefent day : " Henceforth, 
 " my dear," anfwered I, " we will pray and 
 " read together in the morning, and choofe 
 " a common fentiment for the day j I have 
 
 " been
 
 SELF-OBSEREKR. fcl 
 
 " been angry with myfelf to-day, for having 
 " neglefted it fo long. The fentiment which 
 " I have chofen for this day is : Give to him 
 " that asketh thee, and from him that would 
 " borrow of thee, turn not thou away" 
 
 " Pray how is this to be underftood?" faid 
 Ihe. " Literally," replied I. Literally ? 
 " very ftrange, indeed!" " We, at leaft, muft 
 " take it fo, my dear, as we would do if 
 " we had heard Jefus Chrift himfelf pro- 
 <( nounce thefe words. No doubt we muft. 
 " take thefe words fo as if he himfelf had 
 " fpoken them to us, fmce he has caufed 
 " them to be committed to writings for 
 " whatever is written, can have no other 
 " meaning than the word simply. The gofpel 
 " contains, as I think, anfwers, either general 
 " or particular ones; yet they are always ea- 
 " /ily to be comprehended by our confcience$ 
 (l they are unequivocal to him who reads them 
 3 *> with
 
 22 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " with a plain, fimple fenfe of truth ; they are, 
 " in every refpeft, divine anfwers to all moral 
 " queftions, folutions of all problems which 
 " ever can be ftated. However, only hearts 
 " which are plain, fincere unto the voice of 
 " truth, and void of paflions, can compre- 
 " hend thefe anfwers and folutions : Give to 
 f( him that a/keth thee, and from him that would 
 " borrow of tkee, turn not thou away ; fays he 
 " whofe property all my pofleilions are. I 
 " am the fteward, and not the proprietor of 
 " my fortune. The proprietor commandeth 
 " me to give unto him that alketh of me, 
 " and not to refufe the prayer of him who 
 " wants to borrow of me, while it mail be 
 " in my power to give and to lend; I muft, 
 " of courfe, give to him who has nothing ; 
 " or, to ufe other words, if I have two coats, 
 " 1 muft give one unto him who has none-, and 
 " if I have meat, I muft dofoJikewife, though 
 
 J/hould
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 2$ 
 
 " I flioidd not be ajked. How much more 
 " will it be incumbent upon me if that 
 " mould be the cafe ?" This was fo clear to 
 me, that I fpoke it rather with warmth. 
 My wife made no reply, except, " that (he 
 " would take it into confideration." 
 
 I was juft rifen from dinner, when a widow 
 defired to fpeak with me ; I ordered her to 
 be fhewn into my ftudy. " You will excufe 
 " me, dear Sir !" faid fhe, " I entreat you to 
 * f excufe me. Alas ! I can fcarcely tell it ; 
 " I muft pay my houfe-rent, and I am fix 
 " dollars too fhort ; I have been ill a whole 
 " month, and could hardly keep my poor 
 <e children from ftarvings I have laid by 
 " every penny but, gracious heaven ! I am, 
 " neverthelefs, fix dollars too fhort, and muft 
 " have them to-day, or to-morrow ; pray 
 " hear me, dear Sir!" Here (he took afmall 
 parcel out of her pocket, untied it, and faid, 
 C 4 " There,
 
 24 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " There, Sir, is a book enchafed with filver ; 
 " my late hufband gave it me when we 
 " were betrothed. It is all I can fpare ; I 
 " affure you, I part with it with reluctance ; 
 " yet I know it will hot be fumcient ; and 
 " I alfo do not know how I fhall redeem it. 
 " Oh ! dear Sir, can't you aflift me ?" " My 
 " God ! good woman, I cannot ajjlft you /" fo 
 faying, I put my hand (accidentally, or from 
 habit) into my pocket, touching my money, 
 which confided of about tw dollars and a 
 half. That will not be fufficient, faid I to 
 myfelf, {he muft have the whole fum ; and 
 if it would do, I want it myfelf. " Have 
 " you no friend, no patron," faid I, " who 
 " would give you that trifle ?" " No ! not a 
 " living foul ; and I do not like to go from 
 " houfe to houfe, I .rather will work whole 
 " nights I have been told that you are a 
 " good-natured gentleman. Well! in the 
 
 " name
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 25 
 
 " name of God ! if you cannot aflift me, 
 " you will, I hope, excufe me for having 
 " given you fo much trouble. I will try 
 " how I can extricate myfelf: God ha? 
 " never forfaken me j and I hope he will 
 " not begin to turn his back on me in my . 
 " feventy.-fixth year." The fame moment 
 my wife entered the room. 
 
 I was O thou traitorous heart ! I wa 
 angry, afhamcd, and mould have been glad, 
 if I could have fent her away under fome 
 pretext or other ; becaufe my confciencc 
 whifpered to me, Give to him who afketk 
 thee, *and do not turn away from him who would 
 borrow of thee. My wife too, whifpered irre- 
 iiftibly in my par ; " She is a pious, honcil 
 " woman ; fhe has certainly been ill ; aflift 
 " her if you can." Shame, joy, avarice, and 
 ^he defire of aflifting her, ftruggled alter- 
 nately in my heart. " I have no more thaq 
 
 two
 
 $6 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 *' two dollars by me," anfwered I in a whif- 
 per, " and fhe wants fix ; how therefore can 
 " I anfwer her demand? I will give her 
 ** fomething, and fend her away." My wife 
 fqueezed my hand tenderly; fmiling, and 
 befeeching me by her looks. She then faid 
 aloud, what my confcience had whifpered 
 to me : Give to him who ajketh thee, and do 
 not turn away from him who would borrow of 
 thee. I fmiled, afldng her archly, <f whether 
 " me would give her ring, in order to enable 
 *' me to do it ?" " With great pleafure !" faid 
 fhe, pulling off her ring. The good old 
 Woman was either too fimple to obferve 
 this, or too modeft to take advantage of it : 
 however, when me was going, my wife told 
 her to wait a little in the paflage. " Was 
 " you in earned, my dear, when you offered 
 ** your ring ?" faid I, as foon as we were in 
 private. Indeed I was I am furprifed 
 
 " that
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 2J 
 
 41 that you can afk that queftion. Do you 
 * think I fport with charity? Remember 
 " what you have faid a quarter of an hour 
 " ago : I entreat you not to make an often- 
 " tation of the gofpel. You have always 
 " been fo benevolent \ and now you are fo 
 " backward to affift that poor woman. Why 
 " did you not inftantly give her what mone^ 
 " you had in your purfe ? Did you not know 
 " that there are fix dollars in your bureau, 
 " and that it will be quarter-day in eight or 
 " ten days?" I prefled my wife to my bofom, 
 and dropped a tear. " You are more righte- 
 " ous than I ! I thank you ! keep your ring ; 
 " you have made me blufh." I then weat 
 to the bureau, and took the fix dollars. 
 When I was going to open tlie door, to call 
 the widow, I was feized with horror, be- 
 caufe I had faid, " My God ! I cannot help 
 41 you" O thou traitorous tongue ! thou de- 
 ceitful
 
 28 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 ceitful heart ! " there, take the money you 
 " want." She feemed, at firft, not to under- 
 hand me, thinking it was only a fmall con- 
 tribution j kiffed my hand, and her aftonifli- 
 ment was fo great, that me could not utter 
 a word, when fhe faw that it was more 
 that it was the whole fum which (he wanted. 
 O 1 God ! how mail I thank you ? I can- 
 " not repay you j have you underflood me 
 ** right ? I have got nothing but this poor 
 *' book, and it is old," " Keep your book, 
 " and the money ; and thank God, and not 
 " me. Indeed, I do not deferve your thanks, 
 " becaufe I have hefitated fo long to affift 
 " you go, in the name of God, and fay 
 " not a word more." I fhut the door after 
 her, and was fo much afhamed, that I hardly 
 could look at my wife. " My dear !" faid 
 me, " make yourfelf eafy ; you have yielded 
 " to my admonitions , while I mail wear a 
 
 " golden
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 29 
 
 <c golden ring on my finger (and you know 
 " I have feveral), you need not tell a fellow- 
 " creature in diftrefs that you cannot affift 
 " him." I preffed her to my bofom, and 
 wept. As foon as I was left to myfelf, I 
 continued my journal, in order to humble 
 thee, my heart ! that heart which has in- 
 duced me yefterday to write, / rather would 
 be any thing than an hypocrite ; and yet it is 
 downright hypocrify to preach rigorous mo- 
 rals, and to perform only the lefs difficult 
 duties. 
 
 Haft thou comprehended me, my heart ? 
 Couldft thou have dared to refufe giving 
 affiftance to that poor woman, if thou, ac- 
 cording to the fecond rule, hadft prayed 
 only a few moments ? I was bufy till fix 
 o'clock in the evening, when my wife called 
 me to the harpfichord. I went down, and 
 fang half an hour ; then 1 haftened to my 
 
 clofet j
 
 30 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 clofet ; prayed, kneeling, about feven mi- 
 nuteSj and bewailed the difhonefty I had 
 committed to-day. Having perufed once 
 more the chapters I had read in the morn- 
 ing, with fo little benefit, my fhame was 
 completed. 
 
 I ate little at flipper, and then prayed with 
 the whole family ; not one of the ferv ants was 
 /offered to Jlay away ; they are Chriftians, and 
 ivere edified. How peaceably could I have 
 clofed this fecond day of the year, if I had 
 performed all my rules ! 
 
 JANUARY the Third. 
 
 A DAY full of confufion ! I could nei- 
 ther read, meditate, nor work ; however it 
 was my own fault, I flept with an unac- 
 countable
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 
 
 countable heavinefs till it was broad day; 
 very likely I fliould have tofied myfelf about 
 in my bed fome time longer, if the infuffer- 
 able (tench of the extinguiftied night lamp 
 had not caufed me to open my eyes. I was 
 a-bed till nine o'clock what a fight to 
 angels! what a fight to myfelf would it 
 have been if I had rifen early, and vifiting 
 an healthy man, at nine o'clock in the morn- 
 ing, had feen in his bed-room, what I am 
 now going to draw. 
 
 I will make it a rule henceforward to 
 draw, as well as I can, and to keep in my 
 journal all fituations, the ocular infpe&ion 
 of which (hall ftrike me more with ihame 
 than if they were defcribed only by words. 
 Good God ! if I had before my eyes faithful 
 drawings of all fituations of that kind, of 
 
 every
 
 2 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 every day of my life, would it be poffible to 
 be proud or vain, even for a fingle mo- 
 ment ! 
 
 , It was nine o'clock, as I have mentioned, 
 when I rofe, vexed at the difagreeable flench 
 the tea-kettle was on the table, the water 
 almoft boiling over ; the fun fhone through 
 the half frozen windows, fo dazzling, that I 
 was afhamed of myfelf, and grew fo uneafy, 
 that I did not know what to do. Why did 
 not fome one awake me ? What a terrible 
 ftench is this ! Where is my tobacco and 
 my pipe ? Thus I was putting one queftion 
 after the other to the fervant who was juft 
 entering the room. Only the third day of 
 the year, faid I to myfelf, as foon as I was 
 left alone, and commenced in fo mameful a 
 manner ! It is fo cold in the room, thought 
 I, at the fame moment, before I purfued the 
 firft idea. I went to the fire-fide No fire 
 
 yet-
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 33 
 
 yet Somebody knocked at the door; I opened 
 it, and Mr. M* ** was (landing there. " I hope 
 " Ido not difturbyou," faid he." Not in the 
 " leaft ! I am extremely glad you are come" 
 and yet I was very much difpleafed at it, 
 becaufe I had fomething to do. " Walk 
 *' in ! it is cold ; let us fit down by the 
 " fire." I put my pelife (a) on, and feated 
 myfelf by the fire. " If you will give me 
 " leave, I will read to you a trifle I com- 
 " pofed, a few days ago j I fliould like to 
 " have your opinion of it :" fo faying, Mr. 
 M*** took a paper out of his letter-cafe, 
 whilft I replied, " with great pleafure !" 
 He began to read ; I was aftonifhed ; he 
 read with emphafis, and his looks feemed to 
 demand applaufe. I fmiled and nodded, as 
 if highly pleafed , and to confefs the truth, 
 
 (a) Coat, lined with fur. 
 
 VOL. I. D I hardly
 
 34 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 I hardly knew what he was reading, fo much 
 was I abforbed in thoughts, and fo little dif- 
 pofed to be attentive. Now he finifhed 
 " Excellent !" exclaimed I, " I hope you 
 " will publifh it." " Your approbation," 
 replied he, " has fufficient weight with me, 
 " to encourage me to venture it but you 
 " are too indulgent ! Dare I leave this manu- 
 " fcript with you, that you may look it 
 *' over, it has ftill manydefe&s?" &c. &c. 
 " There is no occafion for it/' anfwered I ; 
 " however, if you infill upon it, I will pe- 
 " rufe it once more ; I am fure I fliall like 
 " it better on the fecond perufal." Alas ! 
 what a nonfenfical flatterer I was ; I have 
 flattered, O ! heart, and consequently have 
 been an hypocrite. 
 
 Mr. M*** went away, and looking his 
 manufcript over, I found unpardonabk de- 
 fefts. Thou haft deferved it, oh ! heart ; 
 
 now
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 3- 
 
 now thou art punilhext! but how fhalt I re- 
 traft my firft opinion? Shall I confirm it? 
 that would be abominable ; give a contrary 
 one; how humiliating! 
 
 Firft of all I will draw the fcene fo humi- 
 liating to me, in order to punifli myfelf, and 
 then fend back the manuscript, with the 
 following letters 
 
 " DEAR SIR! 
 
 
 
 " I have read your marmfcript ; you witi 
 " ex,pei my opinion of it in writing, Firft 
 " of all, give me leave to tell you, that the 
 ft opinion I have given concerning it, has 
 " been that of an inattentive, regardlefs, 
 " and difcompofed man. I have taken- the 
 " liberty of marking thofe paflag^s which, 
 " as I think, . require corr-e^Uog j (the very 
 t( fame pafiagas which J, as far as I can 
 " remember, fcemed to approve. .It is /, 
 D 2 " and
 
 36 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 C V and notjow, who ought to blufh, that my 
 " prefent opinion is quite the reyerfe of the 
 " former j however, you feemed to perceive 
 " yourfelf, that my applaufe did not come 
 " from the heart. I thank you for your 
 " kind, and in every refpeft unmerited, con- 
 " fidence, in leaving the manufcript with 
 " me. How uneafy would it have made 
 " me, if my unlimited applaufe had prompt- 
 " ed you to omit making fuch alterations, 
 " which I now think fo neceflary. You 
 " fee I take revenge on myfelf, for my in- 
 " confiderate approbation, by a franknefs 
 " which, perhaps, would difpleafe you, if 
 " you were not fo noble-minded, fo modeft, 
 " and fo humane. I am ready to give you 
 ** every fatisfation for my firft, and this my 
 " fecdnd, opinion," Sic. &c. 
 
 Having wrote this note, I fent it before 
 dinner to his houfe. It now was noon. 
 
 Good
 
 JELF-OBSERYER. 37. 
 
 u Good day to you, my dear I" faid my wife, 
 when I came down flairs. I was (as I ima- 
 gine, on account of my note)' rather 'more 
 cheerful, and in a jocofe mood. After dinner 
 I went up ftairs to my ftudy. To-day, faid I 
 to myfelf, thou haft neither read thy rules, 
 nor faid thy prayers. I now was alone, and 
 could have performed what I had negle&ed 
 this morning, however I was too lazy I 
 was indifpofed filled my pipe, and called 
 for a candle the candle was brought, and 
 company announced. This day promifes 
 very little, faid I ] to myfelf j and told the 
 fervant, I mould be glad to receive the 
 company. I fmoked my pipe, put on my 
 clothes, and had my hair drefled, when it 
 ftruck three o'clock. 
 
 The whole evening was fpoiled ; news, 
 
 political, and family tales ; difcourfes on the 
 
 weather ; fome new publications ; feveral 
 
 D 3 odd
 
 38 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 odd marriages ; the Jaft play of the pre- 
 ceding year ; companions between the the- 
 atre at Hambourg, Vienna, and Leipzig. 
 Thefe were the important matters which 
 were the (abject of conversation the whole 
 evening. 
 
 Which of my rules has- been executed to 
 day ? I will, however, perufe them, in order 
 to be put to the blufh I will read them, 
 and carefully commit to writing what my 
 confcience accufes me of. I rofe in the 
 morning without the leaft fenfe of gratitude, 
 without even offering a figh to God with- 
 out recollecting my mortality without bend- 
 ing my knees to God in the name, and as 
 a- difciple of Jefus Chrift. I am. feized with 
 a trembling. Nothing has been done } Aa 
 heathen could not have fpent this day worfe 
 than I j and a rational heathen would have 
 made a better ufe of it, I, have not read in 
 
 the
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 3$' 
 
 the gofpel, nor chofen a fentiment for the 
 day and with what deed of charity has this 
 day been marked. Have the members of 
 my family had an opportunity of deriving 
 the Jeaft benefit from my example or con- 
 verfation. It is nothing to me, whether 
 other people will look upon this day, fo void 
 of virtuous deeds, as a mark of a very un- 
 chriftian heart; the leaft consideration makes 
 me fenfible, that fuch a day is a very peer 
 one, a difgrace to a Chriftian, and will not 
 be viewed without horror in the hour of 
 death. However, it is the firft, and fhajl be 
 the laft day I will fpend this year in fuch a 
 manner. 
 
 D 4 JANUARY
 
 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 JANUARY the Fourth. 
 
 - 
 
 YES ! I had a hard ftruggle this morn- 
 ing, before I could difpofe my mind to 
 prayer 5 to converfe with the Creator of 
 heaven and earth, who is alfo my creator 
 this, certainly, is an occupation requiring the 
 efforts of all the intellectual powers. I rofe 
 very early ; I bent my knees ; but with re- 
 luctance, and with a fort of timid bafhful- 
 nefs but who made me blufh ! God ? his 
 holy angels ? or myfelf ? I know it is indif- 
 ferent to the eternal God, in what pofture 
 we adore him ; he is not moved by bended 
 knees, nor flowing tears, nor pompous words, 
 nor fighs ; he is not moved by pfalms, nor 
 empty founds. However I alfo know that 
 timidity, lazinefs, and the ftruggles of the 
 fiefli, which prevent us from praying to 
 
 him
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 4! 
 
 him in a pofture which we know is fitter 
 than any other, to infpire us with a fenfe of 
 humility, and of our dependance on him, or,- 
 at leaft, to promote thefe fentiments ; I 
 know that thefe unbecoming figns of weak- 
 nefs cannot be indifferent to him. I cannot 
 tell what has prevented me from extinguifti- 
 ing the candle, or from pulling the Ikreen 
 down, and why I preferred to let it burn ; 
 though I could not conceal from myfelf, that 
 J fhould have prayed with more devotion, 
 with more compofure, &c. &c. &c. if I had 
 been in the dark. 
 
 I read the morning hymn, the general 
 
 prayer, and the fupplications of Gellert. 
 
 Alas ! why did I rife as foon as they were 
 finilhed ? And why did I not continue pray- 
 ing from the heart, what neither Gellert, nor 
 Klopjlock; what neither the greateft poet> 
 nor the belt adorers of God can teach me ? 
 
 Why
 
 4 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 ~*-Why muft I have recourfe to the words 
 of another perfon r of a fellow-creature, when 
 converting with my Creator? What an horrk 
 ble eftrangement from God docs this pray- 
 ing, .with the words of others, fugged to 
 me ! 
 
 I ihivered a little put on warmer clothes, 
 took up the Bible, and read from the 
 fev-enth to the eleventh chapter of St. Mat- 
 thew. J chofe, as a fentiment tor the pret 
 fent day, thefe words : He that loveih father 
 or mother more than mc y is not worthy cf me ; 
 and he that lovstk fon or daughter more than me^ 
 is not worthy of me~~ words which thrill my 
 foul. How can I apply them to myfelf with- 
 out trembling ? Whom of my friends do I 
 not love more than Chriil ? Whom of my 
 friends would I not rather like to pleafe than 
 my Saviour? I am undoubtedly no worthy 
 difciple of Chrift j and yet I muft needs be- 
 come
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 43 
 
 come worthy of him, if he gives me eternal 
 lif e< Oh Lord ! fill my foul with love for 
 thee. I can for hours familiarly converfe 
 with a friend ; I leave him with rclutlance; 
 and when I am converting with thec, I think 
 each moment an hour. There is (till fome 
 conftraint in my prayers I am dill deftiiute 
 of true love. Oh ! thou moft amiable of 
 beings! Illuminate my foul with a ray of thy 
 love, and let the fpirit of adoption give wit- 
 nefs to my fpirit, that I am thy child. 
 
 I continued my journal from yefterday, 
 executed the neceflary drawing, and wrote 
 the journal of this day fo far prayed with 
 my wife; read the tenth chapter of St. Mat' 
 the\v to her; drank my tea, and then wrote 
 till dinner-time. I rcfolvcd to flay at home 
 the whole day, and to converfe with mvfolt 
 in folitude. I fucceeded pretty well ; from 
 three till fevcn o'clock 1 read the three firft 
 
 cantos
 
 44 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 cantos of Klopftock'sMeffiah, without hardly 
 ever flopping What a noble foul ! that can 
 compofe fuch a poem. Wretched beings 
 who abufe poetry by aflailing him who has 
 intruded that gift to you, for the promo- 
 tion of truth and virtue ! I played on the 
 harpfichord ; ate my fupper ; read the rules 
 and blufhed, becaufe I had not performed 
 a charitable work this day ; though I mould 
 not have been in want of proper objets, if 
 I had but taken a little pains to look out for 
 them. 
 
 JANUARY the Fifth. 
 
 I AWOKE in good time, and alked my 
 wife if me would join me in praying. I 
 roufed her we rofe up and prayed. I was 
 
 GoH
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 45 
 
 God be praifed ! not without feeling and 
 devotion. Yes! O! how do I praife thec, 
 omniprefent Love ! Tears of heart-felt joy 
 bedewed my cheeks ; and the moft noble 
 and chriftian thoughts flamed through my 
 tranquil and ferene mind. How lively did 
 I feel the value of a (till and early hour of 
 devotion ; how was I grieved at the thought 
 -of having fo frequently facrificed that hea- 
 venly pleafure to a beaftly lazinefs ! 
 
 We read, in bed, the eleventh and twelfth 
 chapters of St. Matthew. At firit I intended 
 to choofe for a fentiment, for the prefent 
 day, thefe words : He that is not for me, is 
 againft me ; and he that gather eth not with me, 
 fcattereth abroad. However, I preferred the 
 words : Whofoever fliall do the will of my father, 
 which is in heaven, the fame is my brother, and 
 fifter, and mother. So fayeth the fon of God ; 
 he who gave me exiftence. Should any 
 
 thing
 
 46 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 thing in the world detain me from afpiring 
 to that honour and that blifs, to which to 
 compare the honours and the happinefs of 
 the world would be infanity ? 
 
 I went to my work with a ferene and 
 tranquil mind; the time, till dinner, appeared 
 very fhort ; mean while I found it eafy to 
 raife, now and then, my heart fweetly in the 
 confidence of God, and to refleft with fe- 
 rioufnefs on that paflfage : Chrijl, who is God 
 over all, bleffed for ever, is not aJJiamed of call- 
 ing thee brother! and who will grant to thee ths 
 rights of a brother, and co-heir. Heirs of God ; 
 co-heirs with Chrijl ; children of God ; brothers 
 ofChrift. What magnificent denominations ! 
 what a diftin&ion for a Chriilian ; for man, 
 who exifteth but fince yefterday ! 
 
 A converfation on true and hypocritical 
 piety, which took place during dinner, in- 
 duced me to read the Devotee, a poem of 
 
 Gellert.
 
 SEiF-QBSERVIR. 4; 
 
 Gellert. I was writing tetters till three o'clock ; 
 one to my brother at Paris, whom i cautioned 
 againii difiipation, quoting the words of Gel- 
 krt 5 " Once loft and parted with," &c. &c. 
 and one to Mr. ***, on fome undemonftrated 
 and furreptitious definitions, on which ob- 
 jeftions againft the Revelation have been 
 founded. As foon as I had fent my letters 
 to the poft, I received, with much chagrin, 
 a parcel of traces and letters, which I had 
 collected fome years ago, and communicated 
 to a friend. I began to read it with indif- 
 ference, and put it afide, filled with (hamc j 
 ordering the fervant to wait while I wrote 
 nearly the following anfvver : 
 
 " Your note, dear friend, is very incom- 
 ** prehenfi-ble to me -, the little modcfty, 
 " which my bad inclinations have 'left un- 
 " touched, was in great danger of being cn- 
 " th-ely difpcllcd from my \vcak heart by 
 
 " your
 
 48 . JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " your treating me thus. . Indeed you have 
 < afted very wrong ; you have entirely for- 
 <e gotten the rule ; All things whatfoever ye 
 " would that menftould do-to you, do ye even fo 
 " to them. You have forgot that I am a 
 " poor, frail, erring mortal ; that 1 am flill 
 " under the fway of thofe paflions, which 
 " I cannot recollect without blufhing ; that 
 " I frequently have confeffed to you my 
 w being given to faults, which make it in- 
 " comprehenfible to me, how you can be 
 " fo indulgent, and how you can conti- 
 " nue my friend ; you have forgot that I 
 " dared to withhold, for whole hours and 
 " days, the due praife from him to whom 
 " praife and honour ought to be given ; and 
 " that I have applied it to myfelf, who am 
 * e but a poor reptile. O ! my friend, if you 
 " look up to me, miferable, finful mortal ; if 
 " you call a frail creature great, what ex- 
 
 " preflions
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 49 
 
 " prcflions will be left to you for addrefling 
 " the Almighty, and the Father of Spirits ! 
 
 " If it had not been you, I fhould have 
 " looked upon fuch language as a mark of 
 " xoH-friendfliip, of flattery \ my own heart, 
 " and a thoufand inftances I have expe- 
 " rienced, forbid me to fufpet you of any 
 " thing of that kind. I only add, that, if 
 " your good heart mifguides you, to think 
 " too highly of me ; if you can ever ftray fo 
 " far from truth, as to think me great, O ! 
 " then recollect at the fame time my great 
 " and wicked corruptions, which I fome- 
 " times am very fenfible of; and if that idea 
 " fhould prompt your heart to withdraw 
 " from me, and fill it with coolnefs and 
 " contempt, which I indeed deferve, then 
 4< firfl recolleft the fincerity with which I 
 " am fometimes praying and doing good ; 
 . VOL.!. E particularly
 
 JJ-O JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " particularly the fincerity with which I 
 " am," &c. &c. 
 
 Having fent this anfwer by the fervant, I 
 was pretty eafy in my mind ; I flattered my- 
 felf, at the fame time, to be void of vanity ; 
 and I can affirm thanks to thee, O! my 
 Creator, thou firft and fole author of every 
 pious thought ! that nothing humbles me 
 more than praife, which I am fenfible I do 
 not deferve :_.. 
 
 After fupper I read the newfpaper ; ex- 
 tinguifhed the candle, and walking up and 
 down the room, bemoaned the mifery of my 
 fellow-believers in Poland. O ! Lord and 
 Father of men, be merciful unto thy peo- 
 ple! 
 
 JANUARY
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 
 
 JANUARY the Sixth. 
 
 I HAVE again begun the day with an 
 unpardonable lazinefs. I tremble at my 
 glaring inconfiftency in whatever is good ; 
 at the incredible contradictions which I daily 
 perceive in my principles, aUons, and omif- 
 lions. O ! (hall I never be able to bring 
 them to a perfect harmony I fear, I fear I 
 mall never fucceed. How long mail I wait 
 and figh, meditate and druggie, before I (hall 
 be more able to rely on my fincereft refolu- 
 tions ! Although I awoke before feven o'clock, 
 yet I tofled myfelf about in my bed, deaf to 
 the voice of confcience, and callous to the 
 recollection of the pleafure which my early 
 morning devotion had afforded me yefter- 
 day, and (lumbered till it had (truck eight 
 o'clock. 
 
 E 2 Angry
 
 2 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 Angry at my wife's queftion " whether 
 " I could not pray and read with her," I fat 
 down, and at firfi could not refift the im- 
 patient wiih to have rmilhed the morning 
 prayer, which I was reading from Zolliko- 
 fer's hymn-book : yet fome good thoughts 
 penetrated through the mift which over- 
 clouded my mind and my brow. Reading 
 the words, / renew hereby, in thy prefenee, the 
 fine ere resolution to fupprefs all irregular dejires 
 rijing in my foul, to combat all bad habits I am 
 given to, my heart feemed to be convulfed 
 with fhame. I began to roufe myfelf; I 
 read the paffage once more, and felt fenfi- 
 bly how abominable it is to be fo evidently 
 averfe from praying, and, neverthelefs, to 
 talk to the omniprefent God of zjincere re- 
 folution to combat all bad habits. 
 
 Reading the paflage, Let me frequently re~ 
 colleR that I mitft die ! I remembered having 
 
 taken
 
 iELF-OBSERVER. 53 
 
 taken a folemn refolution to dedicate fqme 
 minutes, every morning, to the contempla- 
 tion of my mortality ; I therefore repeated 
 that prayer, and not without benefit. Having 
 finifhed my prayer, to which I added fome 
 hymns, my mind grew more ferene ; I felt 
 fome inclination to atone for tlie bad be- 
 ginning of the day. I took up the New 
 Teilament, and read the thirteenth chapter 
 of St. Matthew, taking particular notice of 
 the laft words ; and he did not many mighty 
 works there > beuwfe of their unbelief. 
 
 Unbelief, and want of confidence, are the 
 natural caufcs of a fick man's not recovering 
 his health, though he mould have the beft 
 medicines; mould not unbelief, in matters 
 of religion, likewife, be an impediment 
 founded on the nature of our foul, which 
 prevents God from difplaying his power and 
 goodnefs to us, as it is his intention, 
 
 3 I now
 
 4 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 I now went to work with great ferenity ; 
 kiffed my wife, and thanked her. " If you 
 " had not invited me to prayers," faid I, 
 " God knows what would have become of 
 " this day !" 
 
 She preffed my hand tenderly, replying, 
 with unfpeakable meeknefs " Go with 
 " cheerfulnefs to your work j you ftill can 
 " do much good this day." 
 
 I breakfafted, perufed the newfpaper, and 
 then went to work. Every thing fucceeded 
 pretty well ; I thanked God, kneeled down, 
 and attempted to adore him for a few mo- 
 ments. 
 
 Being called to dinner, I fcarcely could 
 believe that it was fo late. 
 
 When I came down, I found my friend 
 **** in the room, whom my wife had in- 
 vited to dinner, in order to give me an un- 
 expected pleafure. We faid grace, filently, 
 
 every
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 55 
 
 every one for himfelf. It is very ftrange 
 that we do not, as at other times, fay grace 
 aloud when a dear friend, who is a fellow- 
 chriftian, dines with us. Is it bafhfulnefs, 
 modefty, or humility, our not "being accu 
 tomed to it, or what is it that prevents us 
 from doing it ? I, at leaft, think it indicates 
 fomething unnatural ; weaknefs, timidity, and 
 want of thankfulnefs of heart, which ought 
 to flow from our lips. 
 
 During our filent prayers I repeated my 
 fighs, which I had vented before when con- 
 verfing with God in private, befeeching him 
 to afford me, during dinner, an opportunity 
 cither to hear or to fay fomething ufeful 
 like a Chriftian. 
 
 The company feemed to have done pray- 
 ing before I had finifhed, which is a new 
 proof how unbecoming filent prayers, before 
 and after meals, are. One muft always 
 watch the company, in order to fee whether 
 E 4 they
 
 56 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 they have done praying, or not. What a 
 miferable anxioufnefs to which our timidity 
 in religious matters gives rife ! 
 
 We fat down to dinner; I ftruggled fome 
 moments with myfelf 3 whether I fhould com- 
 municate to the company my thoughts on 
 filent prayer, before and after our meals j 
 however, this momentary interval had de- 
 prived me of the courage of attempting it. 
 O ! thou narrow-minded foul, whofe vir- 
 tues can be deftroyed by fuch trifles ! 
 
 A bottle was overturned, and broken to 
 pieces. A tranquil, gentle, fmiling look of 
 my wife., refrained my rifing anger. 
 
 On this occafion one of the company re- 
 lated the following ftory : ' A pious man 
 
 * once received a prefent of a very coftly fet 
 ' of china. He would not accept it ; how- 
 
 * ever, it was fent back again to him. At 
 ' laft he accepted it, and gave the 'porter 
 1 fome money to drink his health took a 
 
 < key
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 
 
 57 
 
 * key out of his pocket, and broke it to 
 
 * pieces with the greateft coolaefs.' 
 
 ?' Very likely," faid he, " fome perfon may 
 " happen to break it, and it is not Jefi 
 *' likely that it then may occafion a finful 
 " anger in the heart of the pofieflfor, or a 
 " fecret anxiety in the mind of him that 
 " breaks it. ' If it fhquld be admired, ancj 
 " frequently ufed on my table, I might by 
 " degrees grow fo fond of it, that it might 
 " irritate me if any body, or perhaps my* 
 " felf, mould break it through careleflhofs. 
 " I will therefore prevent any thing of that 
 kind.". 
 
 This ftory edified me very much. A gi sat 
 deal was faid for and againft it. I thought 
 that it was a wife and noble deed(^). 
 
 (b) Many people will be of a different opinion j "the 
 Tranflator at leaft is. For if the principle! of our holy 
 
 religion
 
 5$ JOUANAL OF A 
 
 At fix o'clock in the evening I was left to 
 myfelf, wrote my journal, fmoked a pipe, 
 amid different thoughts and fancies, and then 
 fat down to fupper. The converfation, 
 during our meal* was neither good nor bad ; 
 we all prayed together. After fupper I read 
 my rules, and was praifed be God ! not 
 ill fatisfied with this day, though the begin- 
 ning of it was fo bad. I then kneeled down 
 and prayed, particularly for my friends. 
 
 religion fhould juftify an aftion of that nature, it would 
 then be laudable and wife to refufe to accept any gift of 
 that benevolent Being, whofe holy will it is that we 
 ihould enjoy the bleffings of this world ; becaqfe they 
 could tempt us to give vent to our paffions, which would 
 entirely un io the intention of God to cheer our pilgri* 
 mage to eternity, by the numberlefs earthly bleffings 
 he fhowers down upon us. If the Author's opinion could 
 Hand the teft of reafon, and the gofpel doftrine, it then 
 would be equally noble and laudable to throw away our 
 money, becaufe it can lead us to avarice. 
 
 SUNDAY,
 
 SELF-OBSERVER.. 59 
 
 SUNDAY, JANUARY the Seventh. 
 
 WHEN I awoke a meflenger was wait- 
 ing for me, delivering a letter from my friend 
 
 * * * *, at H , who entreated me to pay 
 
 him a vifit, if poflible, for he was very ill. 
 
 I was frightened, and yet this intelligence 
 had fomething pleafing in it, though, God 
 knows ! I love my friend fincerely ; his 
 death would grieve me much. It is not the 
 firft time that my fright, occafioned by af- 
 flifting intelligence, feemed to be mixed 
 with fccret joy. I recollet to have felt once, 
 on a fudden alarm of fire, fomething fo very 
 pleafing, that, on cool reflexion, makes me 
 fhudder. Was this fenfation the effeft of 
 the novelty, and the fuddennefs of the alarm, 
 or of the prefentimcnt of the concern which 
 thofe with whom I mould have an opportu- 
 nity
 
 &> JOURNAL OF A 
 
 nity of converting on that incident would 
 fhow, and which is always fomewhat natter- 
 ing to the narrator ? Or was it the effect of 
 the confufed idea of the changes which in- 
 terrupted the famenefs of my thoughts or 
 occupations? Or was it, which ismoft likely, 
 the confequence of the joyful fenfation of 
 being exempted from the misfortune which 
 befalls or threatens others ? 
 
 J ihould like to know what pafies in the 
 xninds of other people, and, particularly, of 
 thofe who have an humane, feeling heart, 
 when they are furprifed by important, and, 
 at the fame time, afflicting intelligence. How- 
 ever, I apprehend that moll of them either 
 do not pay proper attention to fituations of 
 that kind, or are too anxious to hide their 
 feelings from others, and, perhaps, from 
 themfelves. Yet, I think, one ought to 
 obferve one's felf with the utmoft care in fuch 
 
 cafes ;
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 6l 
 
 cafes ; and, in order to recolleft afterwards, 
 to one's own benefit, the moft fecret emotions 
 of the mind, one ought to commit them faith- 
 fully to writing in the firfl tranquil moment. 
 
 I communicated the letter to my wife, 
 made preparations for my journey, fettled in 
 hade fome bufinefs, gave fome orders, and 
 then ftepped into the carnage. 
 
 Confternation, anxiety, uneafmefs, and a 
 fecret fatisfation, on account of the joy my 
 fpeedy arrival would afford my friend, but 
 not only on account of that joy, but alfo of 
 the praife which I expefted himfelf and his fa- 
 mily would give me and fhame on account 
 of that fatisfa&ion fucceeded each other, 
 alternately, hi the firft quarter of an hour. 
 
 I began to pray : " O ! my God ! hovr 
 " irregular and impure are my thoughts { 
 " When will my heart be in fuch a condi- 
 " tion that 'I ihall be able to look upon my- 
 
 fclf
 
 62 J OURNAL OF A 
 
 " felf without blufliing ! Merciful God ! 
 " guide my thoughts and fenfations, parti- 
 " cularly at prefent." 
 
 I was cold, and I had pulled up the coach 
 \vindows. Some poor children, who were 
 going to church, begged a fmall chanty ; 
 their hands were blue with the cold. I fuf- 
 fered them to run awhile, by the fide of the 
 coach, without ftirring, and, half fmiling 
 Lazinefs ! was it thou that prevented me 
 from letting down the window, or did ava- 
 rice not fuffer me to give a few halfpence to 
 thofe poor children ; or was I prompted by a 
 childiih pride to let them feel, and to en- 
 hance my greatnefs and my charity, if I 
 mould give them fomething ; or what was it 
 that made me at thus, a few minutes after 
 I had been praying to God to guide my 
 
 thoughts and fenfations ? It was at leaft 
 
 not handfome, and not noble. However, I 
 
 let
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 65 
 
 Jet down the window at laft, put my hand 
 in my pocket, rather out of humour, becaufe 
 the pel lie 1 had on was in my way, and 
 threw a couple of groats in the fnow. 
 They were obliged to pick them up with 
 their hands, fwelled through cold. Thus I 
 acted, on a journey to a man who was dan- 
 geroufly ill. 
 
 I was amamed 5 but endeavoured to rid 
 myfelf of my fhamc by directing my thoughts 
 to my friend ; yet it was lefs the friendfhip, 
 than a fecret ftruggle of difpelling the di 
 agreeable recollection of the bafenefs of my 
 conduct, that prompted me to think of my 
 friend. However, inflead of praying for 
 him, and of confidering what I mould fay to 
 him; bow I might caufe his laft days to be a 
 beffing to him, and to myfelf; mile ad of 
 giving way to the more natural and tender 
 feelings of pure friendihip, I recalled to my 
 
 irind
 
 64 jO'URNAt O'F A 
 
 mind many fweet fcenes of my life, which 1 
 had enjoyed in the company of that dear 
 man. At once the' thought, he Is ill, is dan- 
 geroufly ill ! fell heavy upon my heart. 
 
 I now faw him on his couch, emaciated 
 and pale, his wife melting in tears. I began 
 to weep, to figh, and to wring my hands. 
 I took my handkerchief out of my pocket 
 and fentiments of pity and friendfhip 
 warmed my heart. " Good God !" ex- 
 claimed I, " preferve my heft, my faithfulleft 
 " friend do not take him from me fo foon 1 
 <( Give thy bleffing to the medicines which 
 " are adminiilered to him -, let him recover , 
 *' reftore him to me I" Here I flopped, and 
 flared a while, and prayed with more fer- 
 vor. *' O ! let the tears of his wife be 
 " dear in thy fight ! Reftore to her the beft 
 " of hufbands, and to me the bell of friends ! 
 
 Meanwhile I had put my hand in my left 
 
 pocket,
 
 SELF^OBSERVER. 6j 
 
 pocket, and felt there was a book in it, 
 which I had not recollected at firft. It re* 
 curred to my memory that it was the New 
 Teftament, which I had taken with me, in 
 order to feleft fome paflages, which I in- 
 tended to converfe about with my friend. 
 I took it out of my pocket, and opened it. 
 The firft paflage which ftruck me, was : What' 
 foever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name 
 of the Lord, Jefus Chrift and when praying 
 for my fick friend, I had not had one thought, 
 not the leaft reflexion, on Jefus Chrift 1 
 had forgot entirely that I and my friend 
 were Chriftians, that I ought to have prayed 
 for him as for a difciple of Chrift, and as a 
 follower of Jefus ; but, alas! I feel, I know 
 that I am deftitute of the true _#/>// of Ckrift. 
 O Chrift ! Chrift ! how much art thou neg- 
 lefted by men, for whom thou haft purchafed 
 immortality with thy precious , blood !My 
 VOL. I. F friend
 
 66 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 friend would die without hope, if thou hadft 
 not facrificed thy life for fuch as trufl in 
 thee. Now he will die in full confidence of 
 the atonement thou haft made for repenting 
 fmners, and at the laft day rife to life im- 
 mortal, to live for ever to praife thy holy 
 name. And could I forget thee in my 
 prayer ; thee who art the author and giver 
 of immortality? Thefe were my thoughts. 
 
 We came to a farrier's " We muft flop 
 " here," faid the poftillionj " the horfes fhoes 
 " muft be fattened, and one which is loft, 
 " replaced." Impatience ! Impatience ! how 
 bufy waft thou in my heart j I hefitated, whe- 
 ther I mould get out and walk, as we 
 were only one league diftant from the abode 
 of my friend. At laft, being told that we 
 ihould not flop above a quarter of an hour, 
 I refolved to remain in the carriage ; toolc, 
 out my memorandum-book, and continued 
 
 my
 
 my journal thus far." WeU ! Poftillion! 
 * ' have you not dme yet ? You make it dam V 
 ' long!" Like a flalh of light'ning it 
 darted through my foul : Whatsoever ye do y 
 in word or deed, do all in tke name of the Lord 
 Jefus ! No ! No ! I cannot hide it from my- 
 felf ; I do not, for a fmgle hour, continue to 
 think, to at, and to talk like a Chriftian. 
 
 The farrier had done how glad was J to 
 be diverted again, and recalled from my late 
 fhameful fenfations. 
 
 The poilillion doubled his fpeed. I fan- 
 cied the joftling, which promifed to bring 
 me a little fooner to the arms of my friend, 
 would acquit me of refle&ing and praying ; 
 however, the proximity, the proximity of my 
 fick, dying friend prefled my heart j all within 
 me was in a flutter. I came to myfelf the 
 ftupor vanifhed I grew all life, fenfibility, 
 warmth and fricndfhip the poftillion found- 
 F z ed
 
 68 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 ed his horn, and I almoft fainted away. The 
 wife of my beloved friend was ftanding at 
 the door. " O ! come, come my blefled 
 " friend!" exclaimed me, " Good God! how 
 " pale you look," I went up flairs with 
 tottering fteps, pulled off my pelife, and 
 walked alas ! into the dark room. I ap- 
 proached the bed on tip-toe the wan, fee- 
 ble hand of my friend was ftretched out to 
 me ; I laid my face on his, which was be- 
 dewed with fweat and was, God be praifed ! 
 entirely the man, and the friend. I could 
 not recollect what I intended to fay, or not 
 to fay j however, G od be praifed ! I could 
 weep and figh. The hiftory of the illnefs 
 was related. My ardent defire was, to pro- 
 ftrate myfelf by the bed-fide, to pray and to 
 weep." Don't weep fo much, my dear 
 " friend ! make yourfelf eafy ; I have many 
 "things to tell you; we (hall foon be left 
 
 to
 
 SELF~OBSERVR. 69 
 
 " to ourfelves !" faid my fick friend, with a 
 tranquillity which afforded me unfpeakable 
 comfort, 
 
 Tea was brought in, and I requefted to 
 ufe my commodity. I did it; but every 
 moment, which delayed the cony.erfation 
 with my friend, lay heavy upon me. At 
 lengjth the room was cleared, and I left alone 
 with him : " Come nearer," faid he. O ! 
 that I could but imprint faithfully on my 
 memory, and never forget all, all his laft in- 
 eflimable words ! O ! that I alfo could do it 
 with that fimple, fmcere, heart-cutting tone 
 with which he pronounced them. I flood 
 by his bed-fide; he was lying on his. back, 
 almoft exhaufted, and faid : " I have many 
 " things to tell you, dear friend ; however, 
 " my weaknefs bids me to mention only 
 " what is moft neceffary ; I need not to en- 
 " treat you to double your attention* Firft 
 F 3 of
 
 7 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " of all, I thank God that I enjoy once 
 " more, before I leave this world, the un- 
 " fpeakable pleafure of difclofing my heart 
 " to you. I hope God will grant me fun> 
 ** cient ftrength, and give his blefling to my 
 " words. I am dying, my friend! I mail 
 " tarry here below only a few days longer, 
 " perhaps only a few hours. God be praifed! 
 " that after unfpeakable ftrugglmg, I can 
 " bear the idea of dying \ that I can endure 
 " it at laft at laft Oi my friend! after 
 " an unfpeakable ftruggle ; and can, with 
 " confidence in Jefus Chrift, behold, with 
 " an ardent defire, my approaching dififolu^ 
 ** tion. It is true, my much beloved and 
 " faithful wife her tears, her languifhing 
 " countenance, and the fight of you O ! 
 " how could that be indifferent to rne." 
 Here he flopped, feeing that my tears and 
 diftrefs prevented me from liftening to his 
 
 words.
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. ^1 
 
 \vords. I conftrained myfelf to fupprefs my 
 emotion. " Yes, rriy friend !" continued he, 
 " your tears aflfeft me ; but I have con- 
 " quered I die without relu&ance ; but 
 " (here he fqueezed my hand with tender- 
 " nefs) to your care I entruft the foul of my 
 " wife ; comfort her cheer her up pray 
 
 " for her ! 
 
 " However, we rnuft make the beft ufe 
 " of the few remaining moments ; I begin 
 " already to feel the effects of talking, and 
 " the emotions of my foul. Let me tell 
 " you, in few words, but enforce it on 
 " your foul I have not led the life of a 
 " Chriftian I have not been an hypocrite, 
 " my friend, not what the world calls an 
 " hypocrite j however, I have not been a 
 " Chriftian ; and, I truft, that you will thank 
 44 me in the next world, for this wound 
 " which I muft inflict on your heart. We 
 F 4 have
 
 72 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " have not been Chrijlian friends ; the fpiritj 
 <f and the love of Jefus Chrift, has not dwelt 
 " in us. Our friendship was not founded 
 *' on him, not animated by him, not active 
 " in promoting his honour. How many 
 " hundred hours of our fhort, fhort life, 
 *' have we killed with the moft idle and ufe- 
 " lefs converfation with plans of ambi- 
 f * tion of ambition, my friend ! God knows 
 *' I am fpeaking with the greateft delibera- 
 v tion. Even what the world calls rightful 
 " and noble ambition, is abominable in the 
 f fight of God, an ever deftroying poifon to 
 ft the foul, 'a bane to all virtues; a hell to 
 " the heart which begins to perceive that it 
 " is near the gates of death ; which begins 
 " to be fenfible of the eternity of God, of 
 " Chrift's unfpeakable majefty, and his in- 
 " comparable humility. O! my friend! that 
 " pailion has caufed me a thoufand burn- 
 
 " ins:,
 
 S.ELF-OBSERVER. 73 
 
 ing, burning tears of unutterable grief, 
 ftruggles full pf woe deeper than I can 
 ' defcribe it, in a manner which you can- 
 " not conceive an idea of unfpeakably 
 " deep have I been affli&ed by every in> 
 (t pulfe of that monfter, which ruQied upon 
 '' my mind on the brink of eternity. O ! how 
 " heavenly true are thou, word of my 3a 
 " viour : Whofoever Jhatt exalt him/elf, Jhall bt 
 " abated! Jefus Chrift was humility itfelf, in 
 " the full fenfe of the word // is enough for 
 *' the difciple that he be as his Lord / and the 
 " Jervant as his mafter. O ! friend, do not 
 ^ forget thefe words ! I die but truth (hall 
 " never die. Heaven and earth (hall pafs 
 * away j but not the words of Jefus Chrift. 
 
 " O ! my dear, dear friend j how are my 
 " beft actions dwindling away on the brinlc 
 " of the grave ; and how horribly are my 
 " faults and foibles, which I formerly thought 
 
 little
 
 74 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " little, towering up. Alas ! how little dtf 
 " we know ourfelves, although the buftle 
 " of life mould be ever fo gentle. O ! how 
 '* dreadful is the filence of death ; how 
 " dreadful the ftillnefs of eternity ! O ! how 
 " terrible the heavy load, the load of our 
 " own heart, fo extremely corrupted 1 
 
 " God! God! Creator! Jefus Chrift ! 
 
 " What words are thefe ! What thoughts 
 " do they contain ! How many thoufand 
 " times have I pronounced thefe words, 
 ** without refle&ing on the impenetrable 
 " and ever adorable author of my exiftence, 
 " my life, and immortality. -Creator ! Fa- 
 " ther) What name fhall I give to thy 
 " mercy, which will forgive for ever thefe 
 '* numberlefs, enormous ats of thoughtlelf- 
 " nefsj thy mercy which will forget them, 
 '* and deftroy, through Jefus Chrift, all the 
 " bad confequences they produced to me, 
 
 " and
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 7$ 
 
 " and others. I am almoft fpeechlefs." 
 " Thou art; yes, thou art, lave" 
 
 " My friend ! I have now three things 
 (< more on my mind j I have reveral God- 
 " children, whom I intended to inftrut, 
 " and to educate. I thought it fo much 
 " the more incumbent on me, becaufe it 
 " did not pleafe providence to blefs me 
 M with children of my own. I entreat you 
 *' to fupply my place ; I have fet apart fqur 
 " hundred dollars for four of them, whofe 
 " names and abode my wife will tell you. I 
 ** bequeath them to you ; I need not tell 
 f( you more. 
 
 " You will find a volume of Buffbn f s 
 " Hiftoire Naturelle in my library. I have, 
 " out of an unpardonable careleflhefs, de- 
 " layed, from one day to the other, to re- 
 rt turn it to Mr. N. to whom it belongs, 
 " and who muft have forgot that he lent it
 
 J6 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " -me. Return it to him, beg his pardon in my 
 " name, and afk him if there is any book in 
 " my library he mould like to have - } if there 
 '* is, let him have it ; if he mould a(k none, 
 *' give him my elegant edition of Horace, 
 " Alas I there was much petty vanity in 
 " the choice of my books. How many dol- 
 ** lars could I have employed to better pur- 
 " pofes and how many hours too ! O ! my 
 ** friend, how important is every hour of fo 
 
 fhortalife ." 
 
 Here my friend flopped tears bedewed 
 my cheeks h^ looked at me with inward 
 grief." O ! my friend !" refumed he, " I 
 ?' have, knowingly, uttered a calumny againfl 
 * : c an honeft man ; have done it from mo- 
 *' tives, which, I hope, God will forgive me, 
 '* and erafe the impreffion of it for ever 
 tf from my immortal foul. Go to him as 
 " foon as I am dead ; I would fay while I 
 
 " am
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 77 
 
 ** am living, if I did not want all my remain- 
 " ing moments to converfe with you. Gd, 
 u and offer him this hand, which. I am now 
 " preflmg within mine, and which is be- 
 " dewed with the fweat of my approaching 
 " death, tell him that I have fhed bitter 
 " tears on account of that calumny ent- 
 " brace him, in my name, and then go to 
 " Mr. M. and D. Go (I conjure you by 
 " my dying moments not to omit it, in 
 " order to fpare me after my death) and tell 
 " them what anguifti of foul this calumny 
 " has given me on my death-bed." 
 
 Here my friend (lopped; I promifed to 
 execute his requefts faithfully. " God will 
 " reward you for it, beft of men !" added 
 he, and ordered his family to come again 
 into the room. My heart was now fo tran- 
 quil that I feemed to have entirely forgot 
 the greatnefs of the impending lofs. He fell 
 
 afleep,
 
 78 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 and I battened to infert in my jour- 
 
 nal, as accurately as poffible, whatever I 
 had heard. O 1 facred hour ! and ye laft 
 heart-thrilling words of my dying friend, be 
 for ever prefent to my mind. O ! that this 
 leaf, and the drawing I am going to make 
 of this affli&ing fcene, could render them 
 for ever prefent to my memory. 
 
 The whole afternoon pafled quietly; I was 
 fitting by his bed-fide the greatefl part of it, 
 abforbed in ferious meditations, fighing, 
 weeping and yet, almoft the whole time, 
 eafy and ferene. I could do very little befides 
 reading to my friend fome dying hymns, 
 Hopping now and then, interrupted by many 
 fighs and tears. My friend appeared to be 
 very much affe&ed while I was reading to 
 iiim ; repeated with great emotion, and many 
 fighs, fingle words and fhort paffages of the 
 hymns, but talked very little the whole 
 
 afternoon.
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 79 
 
 afternoon. My heart was bleeding, beeaufe 
 I was not enabled to fay the lead word that 
 might have afforded him comfort and plea- 
 fure in his dying moments. He was ex- 
 tremely, weak, and faid once, " it afforded 
 " him unfpeakable comfort that he could 
 " figh fo filently, and meditate without 
 " being interrupted." Although I was figh- 
 ing fo frequently, yet I was not difpofed to 
 pray filently and continuedly I ventured 
 to take up my journal, and continued it 
 thus far and frequently liftening to the 
 broken accents of my friend, I now ventured 
 to write down fome thoughts by his bed- 
 Tide, for I know what a deep imprefTion 
 fuch recollections fometimes produce in the 
 heart. 
 
 Thoughts
 
 Sd JOURNAL OF A 
 
 Thoughts and Senfatlons by the Death-bed of 
 my Friend. 
 
 Sunday the Seventh of January, 1769. 
 Six o'Clock in the Evening. 
 
 ONE of my deareft friends on earth is 
 now ftretched out before me, too weak to 
 titter a fingle word to his tender wife, or to 
 me the fame man, whom I fo often have 
 prefled to my bofom, who was fo lively and 
 fo ative.- But, God be praifed ! tranquil- 
 lity and peace are poured in his foul, and 
 he burns with a filent defire for immortality 
 for the fight of him he loves, though he 
 never faw him in whom he rejoiceth with 
 
 an unfpeakable and heavenly pleafure. 
 
 O ! that I on my death-bed might be as eafy 
 as my friend, and, like him, await the glory 
 
 of
 
 bELF-OBSERVER. 8l 
 
 of the invifible world, with refignation and 
 hopeful confidence ! But the words he ad- 
 drefled to me to day yes ! all my limbs are 
 frill trembling yes, deareft foul! I have felt 
 the truth of thy words -, however, I am afraid 
 of my heart, I dread the time when thou 
 malt leave me-^for I know, I know my for- 
 getfulnefs but is it poffible that I ever . 
 mould forget thy words. O 1 thou mean 
 ambition ! Shouldft thou ever refume again 
 the f\vay over me. I have oftentimes been 
 fenfible how foolilh thou art ;. I. have fre- 
 quently bemoaned thy power over me, and 
 curfed thee in the prefence of rny God. 
 The voice of a dying friend, which pene- 
 trates to the dcepeft recefles of my huma- 
 nity, now warns me likewife agajnft thee^ 
 that I mould not again court the applaufe of 
 mortal men. My friend wanted fome drink ; 
 I mixed a little rafberry wine with water, 
 VOL. I. G and
 
 ?2 JOURNAL Qf A 
 
 and gave it him. His wife raifed him up, 
 and he took the glafs " Good God !' what 
 " an undeferved refremmentt How many 
 <r poor people long in vain for what my be- 
 " nevolent, faithful God now grants me. O! 
 ** ye fellow-ftrugglers ? who arc with me on 
 " the brink of the grave could I but relieve 
 tc you, as God has relieved my body and foul. 
 " Let me now reft again, my friends !" 
 
 We fat down to fupper j he feemed to 
 
 fleep. " You will not forfake me," faid his 
 wife to me ; " he has bequeathed to me 
 " your friendfhip. Has he not ? thou faith- 
 " ful friend of my deareft hufband." O !" 
 faid I, " my whole heart is yours ; I wifh I 
 " did not live at fo great a diftance from 
 " you." I then mewed her, in my journal, 
 the paflages relating to her ; (he wept, and 
 I flied tears with her. God ! how we were 
 terrified ! we heard him rattle in the throat 
 
 he
 
 SELF-OBSERVES. 83 
 
 < he breathed with difficulty he opened 
 his eyes, daring his hand trembled. " Let 
 " us kneel down and pray !" exclaimed I, 
 bending my knees, and direfting my face 
 towards the bed, I prayed aloud, whilft a 
 ftream of tears ran down my face : " Lord ! 
 " Lord ! our God ! merciful and gracious, 
 " have mercy on our dear dying brother ! 
 " he is thy creature I have mercy on him! 
 " Jefus Chrift has fuffered death for him. 
 " Have mercy on him ; pour light into his 
 " foul ! fupport him, thou God of love ! let 
 " him powerfully feel thy mercy! grant him, 
 " in the agony of death, a diftant foretafte 
 <; of the joys of the eternal contemplation of 
 " thee ! O ! Jefus Chrift ! thou haft tafted 
 "the bitternefs of death for us all;' haft 
 " tafted it alfo for our dying friend ! Thou 
 " knoweft the agonies of the dying ; thou 
 ** knoweft his fufferings j thou art all com- 
 G 2 ' paffion,
 
 84 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " paffion, and powerful to fupport thofe 
 " who are wreftlmg with death. O! pene- 
 " trate him with the animating power of 
 " thy eternal fpirit i Purify and fan&ify him 
 " entirely through and through, that his foul 
 " and body may be kept unfpotted until the 
 " day of thy coming in glory. Give him a 
 " foretafte of the joys of the refurre&ion, 
 " and of the raptures which thy eternal love 
 " infpires ; give him courage, that he may 
 " not be terrified by death ! Make him truly 
 ts fenfible of thy love, that he may not be 
 " afraid of appearing before the light of 
 *' thy countenance. Have mercy on him ; 
 " ftrengthen him ! fave him ! make him 
 " happy for ever !" 
 
 Thus I prayed, and, God be praifed ! did 
 it with great fervour, with a lively belief^ 
 and an overflowing heart. 
 
 I got up a looked at my dying friend, who 
 
 appeared
 
 appeared to have recovered a little, and we 
 relaxed in praying. My heart exhorted me 
 to go on ; but my. knees would not bend 
 any longer. I went to the window in grdcr 
 to reft myfclf a little ; 1 folded my arms, and 
 fighed a few moments heard my deaf friend 
 ttill breathe with difficulty, and flied fome 
 tears. I then feated myfelf .by the fide of 
 his afflicted wife, took her by the hand, and 
 
 addrefled her thus : " Our dear friend will 
 
 . 
 
 " foon have conquered; he will foon be de- 
 " livered for ever from his. prefent agony 
 " and every pain. I am fure his mind is 
 " ferene, and probably he feels no longer 
 " the fling of death. Don't grudge him the 
 " blifs which awaits him, and always recol- 
 " left that God is your father, and Jefus 
 " your faithfullefl and eternal friend. A 
 few years, dear friend, a few years longer, 
 G " and
 
 86 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " and they will fleet away like daysand 
 " you will be united to him for ever." 
 
 * Tender we behold in brightnefs, 
 
 " All the friends who went before ; 
 " Foes and death fhall then not part us ; 
 
 ** Death and grave afflift no more," 
 
 " O! dear friend'" faid me, " do not for- 
 " fake me! If you could but always remain 
 " with me but when the darling of my 
 " heart is dead, and you are returned to 
 " your family alas 1 how gloomy will my 
 life then be!" 
 
 " Yes !" replied I, " I feel the greatne& 
 " of your grief, and the burthen whicH 
 <e threatens to lie heavy on your foul ! How~ 
 " ever, this dear man will then ftill be 
 " living, and pray to our heavenly father to 
 " grant you blefling and ftrength ; and I 
 " know, and many fincere fouls will know 
 
 st
 
 JiLF-OBSlRVER, 87 
 
 1 it too, that pure religion, and undefiUd wor- 
 " fltip before God the Father, is this : to vifit 
 " the fat her lef 3 -and the widows in their ajflic- 
 
 " tiOH." " AND TO KEEP HIMSELF UN- 
 
 " SPOTTED FROM THE WORLD!" eXclaim- 
 
 ed my dying friend, turning towards us. 
 We darted up, feized with aftonifliment, 
 leaned over him, and looked at each other, 
 excjaiming, He Hill-hears what we .are fpeak- 
 " ing : " Woe ynto us if we .ever forget his 
 " powerful admonitions!" Nothing would 
 have been more natural than to pray with 
 my (lying friend, or to read to him the moft 
 pertinent paffages qf the gofpel ; but, God 
 knows, timidity .or bafhfumefs prevented 
 me from doing it ;and haw incapable J 
 found myfelf to entertain my friend ,with due 
 fervor. I endeavoured to lull my conscience 
 afleep, perfuading myfelf that he had no 
 ipccafion for it, and that he was capable to 
 G 4 feed
 
 88 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 feed his foul with the comforting truth of 
 the gofpel without my ailiftance. Never- 
 thelefs, I could not help feeling, with a 
 pungent fhame, my want of that true fenfe 
 of chriftianity, and of that fullnefs of fenfi- 
 bility, with which our lips are wont to over- 
 flow. 
 
 The condition of my friend remained un- 
 altered till twelve o'clock; he ftill breathed 
 diftinftly, but uttered not a fingle word 
 more. I continued my journal thus far, in 
 order to avoid falling affeep. At length we 
 fancied that he was departed : taking the 
 candle, and approaching the bed, we found 
 that he was drawing near his diffolution 
 he breathed with difficulty ; I heard a gentle 
 figh : his wife began to weep aloud " O ! 
 " dear, dear foul! alas! he is dying God 
 " have mercy on me! he is dying I" I now 
 ventured to fay and indeed it came from 
 
 my
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. $9 
 
 my heart while tears gufhcd from my eyes 
 " / am the reJurreElion and the life ; he that 
 tf believeth in me Jfiall live, though he were dead. 
 *' This, my dear friend ! feels the darling of 
 <f our heart much ftronger than we can com 
 *' ceive," No fooner had I faid this, but; 
 he expired." Jefus ! Chrift ! he is dead I" 
 exclaimed his wife, leaning over him, " he 
 " is dead! Alas! hp is dead !" " No, my 
 " friend ! he is living, as true as Jefus Chrift 
 " lives." However, when I caft my eyes 
 towards him, and applied my hand to his 
 cheeks, all my courage and comfort fled, 
 J was ready to drop down, and could not 
 help repeating, with tears in my eyes, ke is 
 dead! my feelings were unutterable; I tried 
 to compofe myfelf. 
 
 We wrapped my deceased friend up I 
 jalmoft fainted away. 
 
 Thus
 
 9<3 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 'Hi us thou alfo (halt be wrapt one time- 
 Then weeps the comfort of my life, 
 My friend, and with him weeps in vain 
 The darling of my heart, my wife j 
 No tears will call me back again.- 
 
 O ! God ! what is the fon of duft ? What 
 am I, who am yet among the living ? This 
 hand, which holds and guides the pen, mall 
 foon be ftiff and cold ; not feel the warming 
 breath, not feel the darling's kifs whom I 
 fhall leave behind. And thou, my weeping 
 eye, ihy tears will ceafe one time to flow ; 
 thou (halt one time be dimm'd like thefe 
 fightlefs eyes of my dear fleeping friend. 
 Thou malt then breathe no more, my mouth ! 
 my tongue fhall ceafe to talk ; I fhall then 
 be ftretched on the bed, and hear no more, 
 what, rxigh and far from my cold corpfe, they 
 then will talk of me, hear neither praife nor 
 
 blame.
 
 SELF-OBSERVifc. ^f 
 
 blame. D ! God ! how deep do I now feel, 
 what I, many thoufand times, have been 
 repeating without fenfe, and what I fecretly 
 have laughed at with (Jifguft, as if it had 
 been the molt common trifle that I am a 
 mortal. O ! what a difference is it to pro/eft 
 a truth, and to /<?<?/ a truth ! 
 
 Thus far I wrote in my bod-chamber, after 
 my deceafed friend had been wrapt in his 
 ihroud, and laid on axrlean bed. 
 
 Being qujte alone, one-pair of ftajr^ higher 
 than the corpfe, I was feized with fuch hor- 
 ror, that I haroUy ventured to lift up my 
 eyes, and to leave, off writing. I hefitated 
 whether J flioujd extinguifh the candle, or 
 not. O ! what a weak philofopher I am j 
 what a pitiful Chrjltian I who am I afraid 
 o ( f ? Do I dread the body or the foul of ray 
 dear friend ? And is not God prefent where 
 J am ? I grew a little more compofed 
 
 rofc
 
 91 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 rofe up, undreffed myfelf, extinguifhed the 
 fire, and went to bed. O ! how much had I 
 to think, to feel, and to pray! however, I 
 was tired, and fell afleep. 
 
 JANUARY the Eighth. 
 
 
 IT ftruck fix o'clock when I awoke, and 
 I \vas fo eafy in the firft moment- of awak- 
 ing, that I fcemed to hate entirely forgot 
 the lofs of my beft friend ; but that tranquil* 
 lity lafted only a few moments. Ho is dea-cl 
 my friend beneath me lies his breathlefs 
 corpfe where may now his foul be, where 
 he himfelf? Alas! far diftant from me! f 
 cannot overtake him, not weep him back 
 again; he is furrounded with light, and I 
 with durknefs: Alas! lean enjoy no longer, 
 
 nqt
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. g + 
 
 not for a fingle hour, even not for a moment, 
 my faithful, pious, and amiable friend. I 
 wept bitterly, and was glad that I could 
 weep Alas! how little did I enjoy him, 
 thought J, but now my repentance comes too 
 late ; how little have I converfed with him 
 on his and my immortality: I have, indeed, 
 frequently difcourfed with him .on immorta- 
 lity in general, and on religion too, but how 
 feldom on our immortality, on his and my 
 Creator and Redeemer! And now he is 
 gone over to better regions, in order to be- 
 hold him who has created and regenerated 
 him, leaving me behind, in the night and 
 buftle of this life. O what an unhappy year 
 is this to me ! All the feelings of wounded 
 fricndmip are roufed within me; how quickly 
 have you flipt away, ye fweet, but, alas! 
 only half enjoyed days! How was I blinded! 
 He invited me fo tenderly laft year to fee
 
 94 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 him, and I dreaded to make that fhort jour- 
 ney in winter. Alas J how fenfibly muft I 
 now fmart for that lazinefs ! Alas ! I was to 
 fee him now only one fmgle day, and on that 
 very day I muft be a witnefs of his death ! & 
 Such thoughts frequently occurred in my 
 mind ; I wrapped myfelf repeatedly in my 
 blanket, and could not leave off weeping. 
 Some perfon knocked at the door ; I was 
 much frightened, becaufe I did not recolleft 
 that I had defired yefterday to be awakened 
 foon after fix o'clock. How little did I ap- 
 pear to myfelf, as foon as I recollected it 
 I called for a light, got upland did not 
 pray O ! God ! why did I not pray ? I 
 fancied my grief, my tears, and my gloomy 
 reveries, would ferve inftead of prayers ; I 
 rather would give myfelf up to them, than 
 pray I feated myfelf by the chimney-fide, 
 lighted the fire, and fpent a full quarter of an 
 
 hour
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 95 
 
 hour with this trifling occupation. Nothing 
 but tranfitory fancies, though gloomy, yet 
 not in the leaft connc&ed with morality or 
 religion, entered my mind. 
 
 The clock ftruck fcven, and now the con- 
 fcioufnefs of my mortality was roufed again. 
 Again I have trifled away half an hour fix 
 hours are already paft, fmce my dear friend 
 has been admitted to adore God in the light 
 of eternity, enjoying the fruits of his life. 
 O heart ! O heart ! canft thou refufe to pray ? 
 I tremble at thy thoughtleflhefs. 
 
 I rofe, placed the table clofe to the fire- 
 lide, and did not pray, but continued my 
 journal thus far. I cannot but confefs, 
 though reluctantly, that love of diverfion, and 
 a fecret averfion from praying, prompted me 
 to do it j I would rather write down, and con- 
 fefs all my follies but no ; not all I never 
 would confefs them all I have no true de- 
 Tire
 
 $6 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 fire to mend my life. My better feelings, 
 my good refolutions, and my virtues, depend 
 all on accidental external circumftanccs ; and 
 even thefe circumftances lofe frequently their 
 efficacy after a few minutes. I will not 
 write a word more - 3 I will lay down the pen, 
 and pray ; will pray, becaufe I have a fecret 
 averfion from doing it. 
 
 What a horrid thought ! I walked up and 
 down the room, began to figh repeatedly, 
 and to be affti&ed on account of the flub- 
 bornnefs and inconftancy of my heart. " O ! 
 11 God," faid I, " merciful God ! why am I 
 " fo averfe from converfing with thee ? Shall 
 " my heart ever remain cold ? Shall it ever 
 " love thee in fo imperfect, ambiguous, 
 " and ungrateful a manner ? O ! when mail 
 " I be enabled to confide in my feelings ? 
 " Canfl thou not break this heart of ftone ? 
 " not infpire me with a love entirely fmcere, 
 
 " conftant,
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 97 
 
 " conftant, and invincible. O! why do I 
 " forget thee fo foon ? Why do I forget my- 
 " felf almoft every moment ? O ! muft I then, 
 " even lo day, while I am furrounded with 
 " the flrongeft incitements, complain of my 
 " poor heart. Alas ! I am ftill deftitute of 
 " a lively conviction of that fundamental 
 " ftrength which pofleffes the whole foul, 
 *' has an innate energy, and is, in fome re- 
 " fpets, entirely independent on external 
 " impulfes! O! fhew me what is needful 
 " for me, and give me what will lead me to 
 " piety, and eternal happinefs !" 
 
 Thus I prayed, kneeled down, and ftrug- 
 gled with God for his bleffing to my virtue, 
 and for every comfort to the widow of the 
 deceafed. 
 
 Hearing fomebody come up flairs, I rofe 
 haftily up in the midft of my prayers, as if I 
 had been alhamed, or doing fome bad aftion. 
 
 VOL. I. H In
 
 98 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 In order to avoid being thought an hypo- 
 crite (whifpered my heart to me, in a pal- 
 liating manner), I warned myfelf, and rinfed 
 my mouth; the water was cold, and got 
 into an hollow tooth. Angry with myfelf, 
 and vexed at this trifling accident, I became 
 again deftitute of all pious fenfations I was 
 again mocked at myfelf. I find I have not 
 yet learned how to bear a trifling momentary 
 pain, or the anguifh caufed by a little neg- 
 ligence, with that gentle tranquillity and pa- 
 tience, which becomes the wife, and is fo 
 requifite in a Chriftian. 
 
 I was writing this journal till eight o'clock, 
 and then went down flairs, full of grief, and 
 in a ferious mood. The widow looked pale, 
 and was clad in black (God ! what a fight 
 to me !) : I embraced her, and bedewed her 
 cheek with fympathetic tears. " Alas !" faid 
 me, weeping, " this is the firft day of my 
 
 " widow-
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 99 
 
 " widowhood I cannot believe that he is 
 " dead! God! what a night, have I had 
 " I have not enjoyed a wink of fleep j how- 
 " ever, my fifter kept me company, and 
 " comforted me, by reading prayers and 
 " hymns to me." 
 
 I endeavoured to make her eafy, and wqnt 
 with her to fee the corpfe. She leaned over 
 it, and wept bitterly. 
 
 . 
 
 JANUARY the Ninth. 
 
 I COULD fpare no time yefterday for the 
 continuation of my journal; having affifted 
 In fettling feveral matters, and wrote fome 
 letters to the relations of the deceafed, giving 
 frequent vent to the fervent effufions of my 
 heart, and to the tears of fincere fenfibility. 
 H 2 However,
 
 100 JOURNAL OP A 
 
 However, my abominable vanity mixed now 
 and then with thefe fenfations; my heart 
 mifgave me when I perceived it, and recalled 
 to my mind my departed friend, and his laft 
 words ; I got up, and wept for myfelf. 
 
 'Copy of a Letter to the Brother of fkc 
 Deceafed.. 
 
 " YOU have loft a brother, and I a friend, 
 " who, without contradiction, deferves our 
 " tears and tender remembrance. I have 
 " had the mournful fatisfa&ion of feeing 
 " him expire. O! God! how he died! - 
 " fo eafy, fo tranquil, fo ferene, and fo re- 
 t( plete with the moft Chriftian fenfations 
 " and holy belief; yes, I never fliall forget 
 * c his laft converfation. O! how I thank 
 " God, or rather, how much reafon have I 
 " to thank God, that I faw him the laft day 
 
 of
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. IOI 
 
 " of his life it was an unfpeakable blefihig 
 " to me ! O ! that I may never, in my whole 
 " life, render myfelf unworthy of it I He 
 " went to his eternal reft without the leaft 
 " conceit or affe&ation -, as artlefs as a child, 
 " and as fublime as an angel, if angels could 
 u die. His whole mind was occupied with 
 " his expefted difiblution, in the beginning 
 " of his illnefs, of which he, at the latter end 
 rt of laft year, appears to have had a fore- 
 " boding : having endeavoured to fettle all 
 " his affairs with an unufual accuracy, and 
 " copied his will. 
 
 * He frequently begged to be left alone - 9 
 " and was oftentimes found in his bed, lying 
 " on his face, in a kind of fwoon, his eyes 
 " being wet with tears. His fins, even his 
 " fmalleft faults, grieved him very much} he 
 " confefled them not only in general, but 
 u mentioned them fmgly j he did not attempt 
 . H 3 "to
 
 IO2 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " to palliate them, but confefled them with 
 " fo innocent, fo modeft, and fo amiable a 
 <c fimplicity, that it is not in my power to 
 " give you an adequate idea of 'my joy and 
 " admiration. His humility was fo great, 
 " fo unaffe&ed, fo wife, that I could not 
 " enough admire and adore the greatnefs of 
 " God's grace, which was fo evidently work- 
 " ing in his foul. I mould never have done 
 u writing to you, if I were to enlarge, as I 
 " wifti to do, on the many fources of com- 
 " fort he has opened to his friends in his laft 
 " days j however, I mean to do it ere long, 
 " if it pleafe God. The widow of my de- 
 " ceafed friend, feels indeed heavy enough 
 " the lofsjhe has fufFered ; yet, I hope, her 
 '" being certain that our late dear friend has 
 " changed for the better, and other confo- 
 " lations of our holy religion, againft which 
 "her pious heart is not fhut up, will foon 
 
 " entirely
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 103 
 
 " entirely reftore to her the refignation 
 " which is fo becoming and falutary to us, 
 " and does fo much honour to the power of 
 " the Gofpel. It would, indeed, contribute 
 " much to it, if you, dear brother of my bed 
 " friend, would vifit her as foon as poffible, 
 " which will be the more neceflary, on ac- 
 " count of the arrangement of different 
 " ceconomical concerns, which the deceafed 
 " has, indeed, left in the bed order, as far 
 " as it lay in his power." 
 
 Having (mimed my letters, I fealed and 
 fent them to the poft, after I had read them 
 to the widow, who found no fmall confola- 
 tion in it. I fcarcely had refleted on my- 
 felf a moment, when it ftruck twelve 
 o'clock. 
 
 During dinner we were pretty eafy, and 
 
 converfed frequently about the deceafed. His 
 
 wife related, among other things, that laft 
 
 H 4 November
 
 104 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 November he had fecretly fold, for twelve 
 ducats, a Very valuable book, and a gold 
 medal, and paid with that money the board 
 of a poor child, that had run away from his 
 vicious parents, who wanted to bring him 
 up to begging. Another time, he fent fe- 
 cretly by the poft ten dollars, along with a 
 confolatory note, to a poor widow, of whom 
 he accidentally had heard a very good cha- 
 raaer. " O! my friend," faid I, when (he 
 related this, " how blefled muft the widow 
 " of fuch a man be! The tears of widows, 
 " which God counts, will mix with yours, to 
 your bleffing." 
 
 Thus far I continued my journal after din- 
 ner. We were engaged almoft the whole 
 afternoon in receiving vifits ; I had a great 
 deal to relate, and feveral things to fettle, 
 and yet could, God be praifed ! think now 
 and then with devotion on God, and, with 
 
 pious
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 105 
 
 pious fenfations, on my deceafed friend. 
 The whole day appeared to me to have 
 been only an hour. We did not fup before 
 nine o'clock j prayed together, fang fome 
 hymns, and went to bed at eleven o'clock. 
 
 JANUARY the Tenth. 
 
 TO-PAY my friend was buried O! 
 how mall I fufficiently animate and collecl: 
 my thoughts and feelings? Howfenfible am 
 I, that I am ftill very deficient in meditating 
 on the mod important obje&s of human 
 knowledge. O ! God ! how weak I am ftill ! 
 I have already paft the meridian of life, 
 and never yet dedicated half a day to the 
 contemplation of myfelf, my deftination, ray 
 mortality, and immortality. O ! thou abo- 
 minable
 
 106 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 minable love of amufement, thou foe to rea- 
 fon and true wifdom S thou deflroyer of peace 
 of mind thou robber of happinefs thou 
 fource of all follies and vices ! When fhall I 
 be freed from thy dictates, which prevent 
 me from converting with myfelf ? 
 
 I will go to the coffin of my beloved friend, 
 before it is fcrewed up j I will go thither, and 
 meditate there before the face of the Lord, and 
 give vent to my grief; it may, perhaps, pleafe 
 God to blefs my meditation in fuch a man- 
 ner, that this mournful but important day, 
 may prove to me a fource of everlafting 
 joy, and the beginning of a new and better 
 life. 
 
 Thus far I wrote went down flairs, and 
 begged to be only one hour by myfelf I 
 opened the door of the room, where my de- 
 ceafed friend lay the fmell of corruption 
 aflailed me as I entered. I was feized with 
 
 horror ;
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 107 
 
 horror; however, I took courage, (hut the 
 door after me, opened the lid, rather fear- 
 fully, and placed it againft the wall ; re- 
 rnoved, with fecret awe, the cloth which 
 covered the clay-cold face of my deceafed 
 friend, and looked at it awhile, half kneel- 
 ing and mufing ; this is the fubftance of my 
 meditations : 
 
 " Here thou art lying, my brother, thou 
 " faithfulleft and beft of friends ! pale, cold, 
 " fpeechlefs, and without fenfation, art thpu, 
 " lying in thy coffin, the limits of mortality 
 " and human mifery. My eyes are weep- 
 " ing over thee thou feefl me no more ; 
 " thy inexpreflible mild, ferene, never-to-be- 
 " forgotten, and heart-piercing look, meets 
 " my eyes no more. Alas! with a trem- 
 " bling hand do I take hold of thine; but it 
 ** does not return the preflure of mine. 
 u Thou haft no fpeech j not a word, not 
 
 one
 
 108 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " one look ; no preffure of thy hand, no 
 " breath for thy friend. Nothing is left to 
 " me, but to flay a few hours with thy 
 " corpfe, and all will be taken from me ; 
 tc Alas 1 thy forfaken friend fhall then have 
 
 " nothing left of thee ! 
 
 " O ! my brother ! how many hours have 
 " I fpent by thy fide ! how many joys and 
 " pains fhared with thee !- how much haft 
 " thou taught me !- . but, alas! how much 
 " more could I have learned ! Open was 
 " thy ear to truth, and infatiable thy thirfi 
 " after virtue patient, like a lamb ; hum- 
 " ble, like a child, didft thou clofe thy days, 
 " dreamed away fo focn. O ! that I could 
 " implore heaven to grant me a death-bed 
 <c like thine- thy heroic ftruggles with thy 
 " felf, and thy triumph over thy heart ! 
 " Alas! only a few weeks ago, I received 
 a letter from thee how little did I appre- 
 
 hend
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 109 
 
 hend that it would be the laft that I 
 " mould fee thee only once more, only for a 
 " few hours and then dying and -now 
 
 " dead. Yes dead in thy coffin. 
 
 " Alas! thy fpeechlefs tongue, thy motion- 
 * lefs hands, thy ftiflf feet, tell it me but too 
 " ^plainly ! O ! if I knew if I could but 
 " faintly guefs, that thou doft hear me, how 
 " would I raife my voice, how loud exclaim : 
 " Do not forget me, my brother, do not, 
 " furrounded by immortals, forget a mortal 
 " man'! And if thou ftill canft do any thing 
 " for me, O then intercede for me with our 
 " heavenly Father, that I may be enabled to 
 " live as pioufly, and die as tranquilly, as 
 " thou didft live and die ; pray, that two 
 " parts of thy fmcerity and humility, of thy- 
 " love to human-kind, and of thy genero- 
 
 " fity, may be granted me. 
 
 " Thou haft fent for me to thy death-bed 
 
 thou
 
 IIO JOURNAL OP A 
 
 t( thou didft fmile at me fo kindly when I 
 * c came thou heardeft my prayer, which, 
 " alas ! expired fo foon ! thou gaveft me 
 * thy bleiTmg but when I (hall be ftretched 
 " out and languish, and ftruggle with death, 
 * e I mall not have the heavenly pleafure, and 
 *' the unfpeakable comfort, of feeing thee 
 " by my death-bed, lifting up thy hands, 
 ** and bending thy knees for me. No gof- 
 " pel-comfort for me ; no ftrengthening 
 " prayer for me ; no heart-confoling hymn 
 " will then flow from thy lips, and pene- 
 " trate my faintly-hearing ears. Thou malt 
 '* not then fee me j at leaft I mall not fee 
 cf thee, nor know whether 1 mail be fo 
 " happy of being feen by thee." 
 
 Hearing fomebody come, I ftarted up, 
 wiping the duft from my knees, and went 
 to open the door. It was ------ 
 
 1 went to my room, inferring my feelings in 
 
 my
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. Ill 
 
 my journal, as well as I could remember 
 them. Once more, thought I, I will go 
 down, and converfe a few minutes longer 
 with the corpfe of my beloved friend. 
 
 I was left to myfelf for half an hour. 
 How mournful lypleafed was I in that awful 
 folitude ! It is true, the marks of corrup- 
 tion filled me anew with horror on opening 
 the door. I put the lid upon the coffin, 
 leaving it open fcarcely a third part.- 
 " Alas!" thought I by myfelf, " I have feen 
 " thy face for the laft time, my now happy 
 " friend ! Alas ! the traces of corruption 
 " chafe me away from the fight of thee, 
 " once fo pleafing to me : Alas ! mud I bend 
 " my head fo foon over thy half-ihut coffin, 
 ** and tell my feelings, in a trembling ac- 
 " cent, to this gloomy folitude, without 
 
 " feeing thee. 
 
 "Oil will once more vow to thee, on 
 " thy coffin, to remember thy virtue, and 
 
 " thy
 
 112 JOURNAL Or A 
 
 " thy friendfhip, until I alfo fliall be ftretched 
 ** out in my coffin. Yes, once more will I 
 46 lay my hand upon thy heart that hand 
 " which has clofed thy eyes I promife 
 " thee before God, and, perhaps, in the 
 " prefence of thy immortal fpirit, that I 
 " will never forget thee ; I will five in fuck a 
 " manner., as if thou wert Jlill a conjlant wit- 
 " nefs of my life Good deeds, nothing but good 
 ** deeds fliall this hand perform ; pious words', 
 " nothing but pious words Jhall fiozv from thefe 
 " lips, which are now pronouncing, over thy 
 *' coffin, vows fo facred" 
 
 Having walked up and down the room 
 feveral times, I Ihut the coffin, a tear of 
 friendmip ftarting from my eye ; I went 
 back to my room, in order to imprint this 
 important hour on my memory, and, if pof- 
 fible, to engrave it indelibly on my mind, by 
 writing my feelings carefully down. 
 
 If I may make a drawing of my fituation, 
 
 and
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. Uj 
 
 and if I can expeft that an intuitive repre- 
 fentation of it will afford me fome inftruc- 
 tion, why then fhall I not draw a defign of 
 it ? Can there exift one which promifes to 
 afford me more inftru&ioni and to make a 
 livelier impreflion on my mind, than this? 
 O ! may I never forget thee, facred hour 
 of my firfl view ! O ! mayi frequently con- 
 template thee, feint remembrance of my 
 glorified friend ! Mayeft thou deter me for 
 ever from every folly, and every fin ; deter 
 me as powerfully as his laft fpirited dif- 
 
 courfe! 1 put my hand to my burning 
 
 forehead touched my eyes and like a 
 rapid torrent this thought ruihed on my 
 mind : " Thefe eyes (hall moulder away ; 
 " thefe limbs, which are fo dear to me. 
 " and fo neceffary, which appear, and which 
 " I am fo fenfible to be very effential parts 
 " of my being, mail all become ufelefs and 
 VOL. I. I " cor-
 
 114 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " corruption they are nothing : Flejh and 
 (t blood cannot inherit the kingdom of heaven. 
 " My friend is not corruption, he is immor- 
 " tal ; but yonder in that coffin is mere 
 " corruption, and it contains not a fpark 
 " of immortality." It matters not, whe- 
 ther thy fpirit, O my beloved ! dwells among 
 corruption like God, who even in the grave 
 refides whether thou, who art dear to my 
 foul not thou earthen veflel, houfe of clay 
 not thou, vifible image of the invifible 
 but thou thy/elf^ thou invifible light and life, 
 quietly refteth yonder among the alas ! al- 
 ready noifome wrecks, like fire, covered 
 with cinders ; or whether thou art out of 
 the reach of corruption, and the vilible 
 things be as invifible to thy new-modelled 
 fenfes, as night is to an inhabitant of the 
 fun ! Yes, perhaps, thou art yet here; per- 
 haps clofe by my fide, but yet out of my 
 
 reach.
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 115 
 
 reach. God is here, he is every where ; if 
 thou, my dear happy friend, art living in 
 him, then thou art in heaven ; for wherever 
 God is prefent, there is heaven ; and he who 
 feels and feeth God, is in heaven, although 
 the eye of mortals mould fee nothing around 
 them but corruption ; yea, nothing but hell(^). 
 Therefore, wherever thou mayeft be, my dear 
 departed friend, thou art in heaven. 
 
 A Quarter after Eleven o'C/ock. 
 
 I now will go and fee thee to thy grave, 
 with thoughts as lhall occupy none of the 
 mourners, who are going to accompany thee ; 
 
 (< ) I need not to fay that Mr. L. is no profe/or of 
 logic. T. 
 
 I 2
 
 Il6 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 with fenfations as even no female foul, among 
 all thofe who bewail thee, mall feel. 
 
 I intended to follow, filently meditating, 
 fny funeral train, my deareft friend, whofe 
 lofs I fee! HWPC livelier every moment, and 
 with encreafing affeftion ; but, alas ! I found 
 it very difficult. The moft trifling objects 
 were, at firft, capable of amufing and di- 
 verting me for a few moments ; however, 
 every diverfion, which wanted to intrude 
 upon me, was difgufting and infupportable 
 to me. I beheld with a mild, tranquil, and 
 melancholy look, the black coffin upon the 
 bier-- Alas I that alfo is the laft time ! Di- 
 verfions were intruding again ; I was angry 
 with myfelf ! O ! how could I, unfeeling 
 wretch, think of any thing but thee. 
 
 The idea of the joy which the adoration 
 
 and
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. Jlf 
 
 and contemplation .of God does now Afford 
 to my dear friend, ddfcended with .ferdnity 
 and comfort upon'jny gloomy foul. I fol- 
 lowed the funeraj train, and the idea of the 
 bJifs my departed friend enjoys, darted tilfo 
 a Jittle through my foul, 
 
 * * * * *#**% " 
 
 At the C/ofs of the T>ay y Six <? Clock. 
 
 My God !" faiq 1 I to myfelf, " I muft 
 " pray with more fervour and perfeverance, 
 " or I mall be the unhappieft being on earth. 
 " With this important day, with the pre- 
 " fent day will I therefore begin to exercife 
 " rnyfdf in praying, and earneftly and faith- 
 " fully fix a particular time of the day for 
 " thatpurpofe. God will become my friend ; 
 " I will learn to converfe with him. I will 
 " endeavour to become perfectly happy 
 13 " through
 
 Il8 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 '" through my Creator, and heavenly Fa- 
 " ther : his love (hall occupy my foul. I 
 " will every day, at leaft once, without hefi- 
 " tating, fall on my knees, and pray for the 
 " love of Jefus Chrift, and the confolation 
 " of the Holy Ghoft: yes, I will go di- 
 *' recUy and pray." 
 
 JANUARY the Eleventh. 
 
 I TRAVELLED back mournful, and 
 yet replete with reviving and pious refo- 
 lutions. 
 
 I came to an inn, wholly occupied with 
 meditations on death, and my own morta- 
 lity. Four people were fitting in the room : 
 " Savage fouls," thought I (they were talk- 
 ing in a low, vulgar manner), " how deeply 
 
 " are
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. lip 
 
 " are ye immerged in night and infenfibi- 
 " lity. Ye are mortals, like myfelf, mortals, 
 " like my friend, and fubjet to death as 
 " well as we j but far diftant from reflecting 
 " on death and eternity ! Deplorable beings ! 
 " who will remove the veil from your eyes !" 
 Thus I faid within myfelf, and was much 
 exafperated at every pofture, at every look, 
 at every gefture and word of theirs. 
 
 I now pitied, and now defpifed them 
 from the bottom of my foul. I thought they 
 ought to feel what I was feeling, to have no 
 other thought but that of their mortality, 
 and to be as much occupied with ferious 
 meditations, as if they had juft left the grave 
 of a dear friend. 
 
 Their laughter, their geftures and their 
 
 tobacco-pipes, appeared to me fo ungodly, 
 
 fo thoughtlefs, that I was almoft tempted to 
 
 read them a fevere le&ure however, the 
 
 I 4 ferioufnefs
 
 120 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 ferioufnefs of my own fituation foon led me 
 back again to myfelf. I fent up to heaven, 
 in their behalf, a few not very humble fighs. 
 " O God ! open the eyes of thefe uninlight- 
 te ened people." I went to one corner of 
 the room, taking the New Teftament out 
 of my pocket, and read a little in it, grew 
 angry at the noife thefe people made, and 
 defired the landlord to let me have a room 
 to myfelf; having conduced me to one, he 
 mewed me his fon's ftudy. " My fon," faid 
 he, " is a furgeon, and a great adept in 
 " anatomy." He then prefled me to fee his 
 collection of fkeletons and foetufles. I did 
 not much like it at firft ; however, as foon 
 as I entered the room, and beheld the 
 drawers, I was much pleafed, and looked 
 upon that incident as fent by providence. 
 What difgufted me moft, was the garrulity 
 of the landlord, and his repeating ever and 
 
 anon,
 
 SSLF-OBSEfcVBR. 121 
 
 anon, how forry he was that his fon was not 
 
 prefent. 1 wifhed to be left alone. Iri 
 
 order to get rid of him, I enquired whether 
 he would not give me leare to examine the 
 books." Certainly!" He did not, : how- 
 ever, guefs at my drift. I took a book from 
 the flielf, turning over its leaves, arvd put it 
 again in its former place. I then took down 
 another, with anatomical tables, aflting him 
 whether I might take it with me into my room, 
 " I fhould be welcome to ftay in the room, 
 " and perufe it there, as long as I mould like 
 " if it would be more convenient ;" faid he 
 with, great kindnefs, and left me. I laid the 
 book down, took pencil and paper, and 
 drew a (kull, as well as I could, after one 
 which I found in the room. Having finiihed 
 my drawing, I perceived that the fkull could 
 be taken off from the ikeleton. I took it 
 down, and held it in my hand fome time. 
 
 " This,"
 
 iz2 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " This," thought I, " has been the fkull of 
 " a human being, who once had life, as I 
 " have now. My body too, may be differed 
 " one time or other, and ornament the col- 
 ". le&ion of an operator: perhaps my fkull 
 " will alfo be looked at, drawn, taken down, 
 " and carried about. Is it poffible that my 
 f e head, this refidence of fo many intellec- 
 " tual powers, this mirror of the foul, mould 
 " one time refemble this fkull ? within this 
 " fkull, which I am now holding in my hands, 
 "'refided formerly fomething that was of 
 " greater value than the whole inanimated 
 " creation. Alas! my friend! alas! foon, 
 " foon, thou alfo malt be a fkeleton. Hor- 
 " rible thought I cannot bear thee any 
 " longer ! I now replaced the fkull again 
 " on the fkeleton, becaufe fomebody was 
 " coming, and went to take a view of the 
 " little unripe foetufles, which were pre- 
 
 " ferved,
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 123 
 
 " ferved in brandy fo little, and fo unfi- 
 " niflied, I alfo was once. O ! what a weak 
 " beginning of my exiftence ! what a ftrange 
 " end ! I here behold the two limits of my 
 " abode on earth I was at firft, God knows 
 " what. I began to exift My little frame, 
 " fcarcely vifible to the eye, was fixed to a 
 " firing. I grew in fize, my heart began 
 " to beat it panted, it began to live in 
 " the midnight darknefs of my mother's 
 " womb. I was born with pains and 
 " groans the navel-firing was cut afunder 
 " I grew a whining, helplefs babe flefh 
 " and bone, living and fenfitive ; I grew in 
 " fize, and exercifed my limbs ; fell ill, and 
 " recovered my health again ; at prefent I 
 " am alive, and perhaps to-morrow, per- 
 ; * haps to-day, warmth and life may take 
 " their flight from my body. I then (hall 
 " be ftretched on my couch my flem will 
 
 ' be
 
 124 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " be lacerated either by vermin or matt 
 ct and my bones, alas ! will be the only 
 ** thing remaining of my frame I now be- 
 et hold, like that fkeleton before my eyes. 
 " O! what an unfathomable beginning, 
 " what an impenetrable end of my exift- 
 *' ence on earth ! How did I originate, 
 * when begin to exift ? How this my frame 
 " will be changed, perhaps ta a few days! 
 " O ! what an evident proof is this, that an 
 a Invifible, almighty, and eternal fpirit ex- 
 ** ifts, to whom I owe my exiftence ; and 
 "* that I have contributed nothing towards 
 " it, becaufe there is nothing of which I 
 ** know lefs than of what concerns ray^x- 
 *' iftc'nce. Thefe meditations I revolved in 
 ** liny mind,, and could not help thinking it 
 K very ftrange. that moft people difregard 
 " themfelves fo much, as never to reflett., 
 " with wonder and aftonilhment, on their 
 
 " own
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 12$ 
 
 f< own exiftence, the beginning and the'end of 
 *' their body, which feems to be fo infepara- 
 " bly and eflfentially connected with their 
 " being ; and live -dream (I rather fhould 
 " fay) in conftant amufement and ignorance 
 " with refpecl to themfelves, and, as one 
 " might fay as aliens to themfelves. 
 
 " It came into my mind to provide myfelf 
 " with a human Ikull the fight of it will 
 " certainly remind me frequently moft pow- 
 " erfully of my mortality; I (hall then more 
 " frequently at wifer, and with more feri- 
 " oufnefs, and be lefs capable to forget the 
 " vow I made at the coffin of my friend." 
 
 I afkcd the landlord whether his fon could 
 not fpare me a fkull ; I mould like to take 
 one home with me. The lively, good-na- 
 tured man knew not what to think of my 
 requeft ; he fancied I was joking. " What 
 
 "do
 
 126 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " do you intend to do with a fkull," aflced 
 he, fmiling ; " you are certainly no furgeon, 
 " nor intend to become one j however, I 
 " will give you one, I will account for it 
 " to my fon ; I think it an honour to oblige 
 " you with it." Having faid this, and many 
 more kind things, he went direclly to the 
 clofet, and brought me a beautiful white 
 fkulJ, dufted, and gave it me, with many en- 
 comiums on the (kill of his fon, whom he 
 humbly and earneftly recommended to my 
 favour. I might keep it, he faid, he would 
 make me a prefent of it. 
 
 Never has a gift afforded me fo much 
 pleafure as this fkull. I could not help look- 
 ing upon it as a kind of relick the former 
 abode of an immortal fpirit, for whom Jefus 
 Chrift became man and died I was ready 
 to embrace the landlord out of gratitude 
 
 " I never
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. I2y 
 
 " I never faw any thing fo odd," faid he, 
 " to rejoice in fuch a manner at a fkull 
 " Pray, Sir, tell me the reafon of it !" 
 
 " I have," faid I, abruptly, " loft a friend 
 " a few days ago, and I wiih never to lofe 
 " fight of my own mortality that fkull 
 " there, which you was fo kind to give me, 
 " mail be my remembrancer." " O !" re- 
 plied he, " is it nothing elfe ? that will foon 
 " wear off: Nullus Dolor, quern non Longin- 
 " quitas Temporis minuat, atque molliatT This 
 reply made me fmile, and at the fame time 
 daggered me I took up the (kull, went to 
 my room, and continued my journal thus 
 far ; dined, and went away as foon as I had 
 finimed my meal. Several incidents on the 
 road, and the defire to be with my wife and 
 friends, diverted me, or rather difpelled a 
 little the gloom of my mind. An old man 
 was carrying a child in a bafket, which he 
 
 fet
 
 I2& JOURNAL OF A 
 
 fet down now and then, mirfing the infant, 
 and covering its feet from the cold. 
 
 It was four o'clock when I arrived at 
 home; my wife ran to me, exclaiming, 
 " How does your friend do ?" " Alas ! he 
 " is dead !" faid I, without fhedding a tear, 
 and without feeling that lively emotion with 
 which I had left his grave. 
 
 I changed my clothes - y the ladies * * * *, 
 and their brother, were with my wife. I 
 fpoke much of my deceafed friend ; my nar- 
 rative feemed to intereft them ; this made 
 me more talkative and regardlefs. The at- 
 tention of the company, the intereft they 
 took in my narrative, the applaufe I met 
 with, and fome other trifling incidents, ef- 
 faced, by degrees, the ferious and religious 
 fentiments which feemed to have occupied 
 my heart this morning. 
 
 I alfo fpoke of the innkeeper, his fon, 
 
 the
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 129 
 
 the anatomical collection, his recommenda- 
 tion yet without mentioning any thing of 
 the prefent he had made me being, as I 
 thought, too timid, and too much alhamed, 
 to fay a word about my (already pretty much 
 over clouded) joy caufed by a (kull. I fpoke 
 alfo of the man I had met on the road, and 
 thus began, by degrees, to be garrulous, and, 
 at lad, to joke and to laugh. My con- 
 fcience was not quite eafy at it. 
 
 " My ladies, will you give me leave to 
 " fmoke a pipe ? You indulged me with it 
 " the other day."" Why not ?" I lighted 
 my pipe, drank aglafs of wine and, as foon 
 as they ceafed talking I blufhed at myfelf. 
 (Good God ! how heavy didft thou let fall 
 on my heart the judgment I pronounced to- 
 day on the people in the public-houfe). I 
 was filent for fome moments. The whole 
 company took notice of my difcompofure, 
 
 Vol. I. K and
 
 130 JOURNAL 6F A 
 
 and afcribing it to the recolleftiori of the 
 lofs of my friend, endeavoured to comfort 
 fne> though very unfeafonably. I went di- 
 rectly to my ftudy, and made a drawing 
 (God be praifed that I could do it) of the 
 company at the public-houfe, in order to 
 ftiame myfelf, and to derive fome inftrution 
 from it and one of the company of this 
 evening. But what difference is there be* 
 tween the people at the public-houfe and 
 me ? They hady^ of beer before them, and 
 I a bottle of pontac j they hadftort tobacco- 
 pipes, and I a longer one. They were talk^ 
 ing of indifferent things, forgetting their mor- 
 tality and immortality, and did not come 
 from the death-bed, and the funeral ; but I 
 did, was talking of it and forgot, in a few 
 moments, like thefe people, my mortality 
 and immortality ; my friend, and my vows, 
 I ate little at. fupper, did not pray with 
 
 . my
 
 SELF-OBSlfcVfcfc, t|J 
 
 my family, under the pretext of bting tired, 
 and went to bed. 
 
 -ff el b^bmcK-- 
 JANUARY the Twelfth. 
 
 I AWOKE halftirrhdur after eight, lazy, 
 fatigued, melancholy, and angry with my- 
 felf ; I got up, and was terrified when I faw 
 my journal lying open upon the table. I 
 neither read, nor prayed having recburfe 
 to the ufual fecret excnfe, that I was not 
 difpofed to do it befides thtit, fome bufi- 
 nefs had been accumulated during my ab- 
 fence ; a few letters were to be anfwered ; 
 and thus the whole morning ftole away with- 
 out my having once recollected to refleft on 
 my deceafed friend, or myfelf. 
 
 At dinner my mind was occupied with a 
 K 2 number
 
 lZ JO.URNAL OF A 
 
 number of things. My wife begged me to 
 relate to her all the particulars of the illnefs, 
 and the death of my deceafed friend God 
 knows, I did it relu&antly at firft O '. Jefus 
 Chrift ! how double-minded is my heart. I 
 grew warm by degrees - 3 my tears began to 
 flow ! (he wept with me, enquiring why I 
 had not brought the widow with me. 
 
 I felt again as a man, as a friend, and, for 
 fome moments, as a Chriftian but, alas! 
 why am I always fo terribly alienated from 
 , myfelf? 
 
 I began to work, was eafy, and not much 
 confufed ; a tear ftole now and then down 
 my cheek I fighed feveral times, and the 
 Ikull I had brought with me was, for the firft 
 time, not in vain, placed on my defk, 
 
 Mr. *** was with me from four till five 
 o'clock my deceafed friend, and the fkull, 
 were the fole theme of our converfation. I 
 
 will
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 133 
 
 was ferry that my vifitor did not (lay longer. 
 At five o'clock I fmoked a pipe, and read 
 the newfpaper, being very ferene, meditating, 
 and replete with the beft fentiments. I then 
 fettled fome money matters, and read the 
 fourteenth and fifteenth chapters of St. Mat- 
 thew. If the wicked king Herod, thought 
 I, ordered the head of John the Baptilt to 
 be (truck off, on account of his having fworn 
 an oath, although it gave him great pain, 
 fliould not the merciful, true, and veracious 
 God fulfil what he has folemnly promifed. 
 
 Jefus cured all the fick who applied to 
 him; fed, one time, more than five thoufand, 
 and at another time more than four thoufand 
 people, with a few loaves, and delivered his 
 difciples from their perilous fituation on the 
 lake, Should I be miftaken, if I were to 
 make the following conclufion from it: 
 " Confequently Jefus is alfo a Saviour from 
 K 3 " bodily
 
 134 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " bodily mifery, who 4eferves my belief, 
 u and my entire confidence. He not only is 
 " willing that my foul Ihould be happy, 
 " through him, in the world to come, but 
 ** he alfo is fufficiently powerful and in* 
 " clined to blefs my belief, if I apply to 
 
 " him in bodily diftrefs and dangers." 
 
 Having finifhed thefe meditations, I found 
 a manufcript of one of my friends, which 
 muft have been fent during my abfence, I 
 read it with great pleafure, and mould have 
 been glad to have kept it a little longer, 
 but was defired (in a note) to return it as 
 foon as read. It was a tract on the Strength 
 of the Soul. My heart burnt with the defire 
 of feeing it printed, or, at lead, of taking a 
 copy of it. Having neither hope to fee the 
 one, nor leifure to do the other, I tranfcribed 
 a few paflages in my journal. 
 " The Jlrength of the foul, of the virtuous, 
 
 " remains
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 135 
 
 " remains frequently concealed. He enjoys 
 " the rare happinefs of having no other 
 " witnefs of his virtue, but God, and his 
 " confcience ; however, the Judge of our 
 s( actions, who does not overlook the lead 
 " thing, when weighing the value of our 
 " deeds, will add this concealment to the 
 " meafure of the virtue of the righteous. 
 *' His name will be contained in no other 
 " book, but that of life, and his fecret 
 " greatnefs of mind will be a faving to him 
 " againft the day of judgment. Whoever 
 " fupprefles a dangerous paflion, after having 
 " ftruggled long, whether it would be better 
 " to overcome, or to be vanquifhed ; whoever, 
 " like the Emperor Titus, gives up his Be- 
 ts renice, when his country calls to him, 
 " RefpeEi my laivs ! fhe\vs jlrcngth of mind. 
 " Yet his vi&ory will not be known, if he 
 " does not aft a principal part on the theatre 
 K 4 " cf
 
 136 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " of the world, and his virtue will be num- 
 " bered among the unknown private virtues, 
 " if he is no Emperor. God has, however, 
 " counted his tears : 
 
 " His guardian angel takes the charge 
 Of all his tears ; till, at the clofe 
 ' Of time, they are transfonn'd to pearls, 
 " To ornament the viftor's crowu. 
 
 " One ttiewsjtmigth of mind againft exter- 
 " nal and internal enemies. The former 
 " has always the advantage of being known ; 
 " the latter, very frequently, remains un. 
 " known. How many people ftruggle, every 
 " day of their life, againft rooted vicious in- 
 " clination, againft prejudices, &c. &c. they 
 " ftruggle, and, perhaps, vanquifli firft on 
 ** the brink of eternity. Their names are 
 " recorded in the bills of mortality, and the 
 " whole congregation confounds them with 
 " the common herd. Strength of mind fre- 
 
 " quently
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 137 
 
 " quently degenerates in caprice, which 
 
 " more frequently is cried up for it. Every 
 
 " century, every nation, every town, and 
 
 " every individuum, have their own fcale 
 
 " for poizing vice and virtue; whoever ufes. 
 
 " a different one, is looked upon by them 
 
 " as an importer - - - ----- 
 
 After fupper I fmoked a pipe, reading in 
 s Lettres de la Montagne. What a 
 riddle is that man ! how much in contradic- 
 tion with himfelf! But who is not like him? 
 Every one conceals that contradiction from 
 himfelf, and from others; Rouffcau fpeaks 
 as he thinks, confefles candidly all the con- 
 tradictions of his underftanding and heart, 
 and of courfe offends the whole world. How- 
 
 (d) The publilher thioki It hii duty to leave out a 
 of this cxtraft. 
 
 ever,
 
 138 JOURNAL OF A. 
 
 ever, I could fooner forgive him every thing-,' 
 than his glaring fophifm, that the miracles 
 of Chrift are only virtus, and parallel to his 
 legerdemains! O? God! enlighten his 
 erring fouL 
 
 JANUARY the Thirteenth. 
 
 I ROSE to day at an early hour, after I 
 had prayed with fome devotion, firft filently 
 for myfelf, and then aloud with my wife. I 
 wanted to refume my reading in the GofpeJ, 
 where I had left off, but happening to turn 
 up the hiftory of Cornelius (Aft. 10), I read 
 it with the greateit pleafure. What affected 
 me moft, was, that the individual particular 
 actions of man, are fp much taken notice of 
 and rewarded by our all bountiful Father 
 
 in
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 139 
 
 in heaven. Thy prayers, and thine alr*s> are 
 come up for a memorial before God. What an 
 encouragement to have the Lord before our 
 eyes in private, and to pray to him ! What 
 an encouragement to pray, and to exercife 
 every virtue, though ever fo much mifcon- 
 ftrued by men. All, all of them notices, 
 approves, and rewards, points out to us the 
 author of every virtue. 
 
 I began to work fome perfon knocked 
 at the door I opened it it was N****. I 
 perceived that he wanted alms very fortu- 
 nately I recollected thefe words : Thine alms 
 are come up for a memorial before God. " What 
 " do you want ?" He begged me to lend 
 him ten dollars. -I know that he is an honeft 
 man, thought I by myfelf, but he will hardly 
 ever be able to return me the money. 
 " What fecurity can yon give me, my 
 * friend ?"W My honefty." Poor cringing 
 
 heart,
 
 140 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 heart, why didft thou defire more? Why waft 
 thou tormented by a fecret uneafmefs and 
 fear to lofe What ? ten dollars, two pieces 
 of metal, which thou haft received to give 
 awa y poor heart ! and yet all the world 
 calls thee charitable, and thy generofity is 
 praifed. Can that be called to lend> where 
 one has to expeft nothing? Thefe reflexions 
 darted through my foul, one after the other. 
 At length I faid, after fome aftonimment 
 " I will fee what I can do ; it is almoft im- 
 " poflible ; I don't know it is rather too 
 " much :" and yet I had already refolved to 
 give him the whole fum, and knew that it 
 was in my power to do it. Why then did 
 I pretend to find it difficult ? What a mean, 
 mean affectation ? Why do I ftain even my 
 good actions ? And why can I not perform 
 a fingle action with a chriftian fpirit, and 
 the fimplicity of Jefus Chrift? Will not the 
 
 omnifcient
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 14! 
 
 omnifcient t2od notice thefe low mean eva- 
 fions, as well as mine alms ? I counted him 
 the money down, made him (ign a bond, 
 and then refumed my former occupations. 
 
 At eleven o'clock Mr. *** came to fee 
 me " Is it true, that our friend is dead, and 
 <e you did not let me know it, and I mull 
 41 hear it from ftrangers r" 
 
 The melancholy air he affumed was into- 
 lerable to me ; I made a ihort excufe, and 
 repeated fome of the laft fpeeches of my 
 dear happy friend. How it grieved me that 
 he affected to make an oftentation of the 
 nobleft feelings, and artfully attempted to 
 decry what my friend had faid with refpeft 
 to ambition, as the fruit of a weakened un- 
 derftanding of a dying man. " It is unjuft," 
 faid I, " if we have not the confidence in a 
 " dying, honeft man, whofe humility and 
 " Simplicity is fo little fubjccl to the fufpi- 
 
 " cion
 
 f4^ JOCR5S T AL OF A 
 
 ** cion of hypocrify, that he Will be more 
 " impartial than the wifeft, who are ftlll 
 " blinded by a thoufand reflections 6tt the 
 " world, and the opinion of men !" I-Ie 
 blufhed. " I hope you don't think that I 
 " believe our friend has been an hypocrite?'* 
 " No ! that I do not think ; however, I 
 " wifh you might feel what our friend, in 
 * the laft hour of his life, with fo much fim- 
 " plicity, and fuch an overflowing of entire 
 " conviftion, has fpoken to my heart, as 
 " forcibly as I, thank God! have felt it at 
 " his death-bed." ...... ---I 
 
 During dinner one of the company re- 
 lated, that a certain perfon had been laid 
 out for dead, and returned to life again the 
 next morning. Three days after this, that 
 foifie perfon did expire, and was buried 
 without delay, while almoft warm, for fear 
 
 flie
 
 SELF-OBSEKVIR. 143 
 
 (he fhoukl return to life again; bccaufe fhe 
 was poor, and a burthen to her family. " O ! 
 " God! I thank thee," faid I to myfelf, " that 
 " I have friends by whom I am beloved and 
 " efteemed. Aflift me to employ every law- 
 " ful means to preferve their love to me 
 kf but, at the fame time, grant me the blef- 
 " Ting to affift, with pleafure and cheerfu]- 
 " nefs, to the utmoft of my ability, all thofe 
 " that are forfaken, that others may not do, 
 " from felnfhnefs, what want of triendfnip 
 " and humanity might bid them to perpe- 
 " trate ! If that per/on" faid I, after a fliort 
 paufe, " had found a charitable profeftor, fit 
 ** would not have been treated fo cruelly" 
 
 After (upper I perufed my ru/es. Alas! 
 this is but the thirteenth day of the new 
 year, and I have already fo frequently, and 
 
 f.
 
 144 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 fo far ftrayed from the ftrait path of pure 
 chriftian piety. 
 
 How much ufeful knowledge could I have 
 acquired in this important week ! How good 
 has my heavenly Father been to me ! He has 
 granted me almoft every bleffing he can be- 
 llow on mortal man ! I am in good health ! 
 my mind is, upon the whole, tranquil and fe- 
 rene ; how many good thoughts, how many 
 noble and unmerited fenfationshashe created 
 in my heart ! Yes I have loft, but alfo gained 
 much. O 1 that Imight not fo foon forget 
 the death-bed of my friend how abounding 
 jn unmerited mercy was this death-bed to 
 me ! O ! that I never may be undeferving 
 of it ! I read the journal of the whole week 
 with bitter tears, with pungent fhame with 
 much gratitude and great fear of my own 
 heart. Good God ! how rapidly has this 
 week flipt away ! Lord, teach me to refleft 
 
 on
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 145 
 
 on my mortality, that I may grow wife let 
 me live as when, on the brink of mortality, 
 I mail wifli to have lived ! 
 
 * 'WJOjp'; r * * -' * 
 
 /so nsm fsh 
 iffw to , ^ 
 
 ' 
 
 ' 
 SUNDAY, JANUARY the Fourteenth. 
 
 I AWOKE at five o'clock. " Alas! 
 " eight days ago/' thought I, " my friend 
 " was alive, and when I arofe I received the 
 " fad news of his illnefs I found him fick 
 " and he died. Now his lifelefs corpfe 
 " lies in the dark grave the friend whom I 
 " preffed to my heart, is a prey to corrup* 
 " tion and his fpirit is returned to him that 
 " gave it him." What may now be thy 
 fituation, my dear, happy friend? How little 
 how very little do we know of the life be- 
 
 VOL. I. L yond
 
 146 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 yond the grave i Not a ray of that heavenly 
 blifs defcends into the abyfs of OUT night: 
 What doft thou think, O ! my beloved friend ? 
 No mortal being ean conceive that ! What 
 are thy feelings ? No mortal man can feel 
 that. Thou lived a new life, of which we, 
 probably, can form an idea as little as a plant 
 of the life of, an. animal, arid an animal of 
 the life of man. One moment of that life 
 of immediate contemplation, perhaps, ren- 
 ders the fon of a peafant, born in a place 
 which never has been vifited by a ray of 
 human learning, or what we call the fine 
 arts a philofopherj whofe difciple to be, 
 Newton would not have been afliamed, while 
 in this world. O ! God ! what will become 
 of the wife, and the illiterate of this world ! 
 But why do I not reflect upon myfelf ? 
 Am I not alfo a mortal ? What will become 
 of my foul? I alfo am a citizen of yon invifible 
 
 heavenly
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 147 
 
 heavenly world of light ; I alfo am defti- 
 nated to contemplate God, and to refembte 
 Jefas Chrift. When this {hall happen, O ! 
 thou omnipotent, inviiible being, whom I 
 call Father, Jefus Chrift, and Holy Ghoft, ta 
 whom I pray with trembling Upg Almighty, 
 inexplorable being of all beings ! what will 
 then become of me, of this felf ; fo incompre- 
 henfible and inexplorable to me. O ! how 
 my foul languifhes to have here below a 
 profpe6t of my future exiftence, of that di- 
 vine life ! O ! that I were permitted, my 
 
 dear, happy friend, to look only for a fingle 
 moment into thy heart. Alas ! in the be- 
 ginning of laft week, I was fo near thee, 
 and now I am fo far diftant from thee ! 
 thou heardeft me, and I could lwnr thee 
 but now I call in vain for a wofd or a look 
 from thee an impenetrable gulph is fixed 
 between thee and me and yet hotv foon> 
 L 2 how
 
 148 JOURHAL OP A 
 
 how very foon may I be with thee ; live the 
 life which thou art living; imbibe the light 
 which thou art imbibing, and fee the God 
 whom thou art contemplating. How ra- 
 pidly has the time of my life ilipt away to 
 this moment! Soon, foon, I alfo fhall be at 
 the mark at the mark which I can view as 
 little as my eye can look at the fun. While 
 I am revolving this in my mind, I am draw- 
 ing nearer towards it; every breathing I 
 perceive is a ftep that carries me nearer to- 
 wards that dazzling' mark. O ! God ! en- 
 able my eyes to bear the brightnefs of that 
 mark; at pfefent, I am too fenfible that I 
 cannot (land it yet. Thefe and fimilar ob- 
 fervations darted through my foul ; I heard 
 a few lilent fighs, and felt fome inclination 
 to rife, and to write down the fubftance of 
 them. I did it with fome reluctance ; I 
 thought it was very cold, yet I attempted it, 
 and wrote thus far. 
 
 I perufed
 
 JELF-OIoKRVER. 149 
 
 I perufed thefe reflections once more not 
 with a view of edifying myfelf, but becaufe 
 I was fecretly proud of them .out of I 
 will candidly confefs it Lord Jefus Chrift ! 
 meditations of a nature fo ferious out of 
 mean, fecret vanity ! It is true, tears ftarted 
 from my eyes however, I am mocked at 
 myfelf even thcfe tears feemed to proceed 
 partly from vanity. Can I acknowledge this 
 without blufhing at myfelf? but if fome- 
 body mould fee it ? who can fee it ? It 
 was, neverthelefs, vanity, my heart, thou 
 malt hear it, though it fhould make thee 
 burft. It is vanity which makes thee dread 
 fo much, fome perfon might fee this confef- 
 fion (e). 
 
 (t) The Editor, perhaps, will be blamed for not having 
 omitted this paflage ; however, the continuation or the 
 ufeful view he has, and which cannot hurt the Author, 
 will plead his cxcufe. 
 
 L 3 O ' thou
 
 1$O JOURNAL OF A 
 
 1 thou mean, double-minded heart ! how 
 terribly quick is thy tranfhion from the no- 
 bleft fentiments to the worlt. Have I not 
 reafon to be almoft more afraid of my vir- 
 tues, and pious fenfations, than of my vices ? 
 The former pleafe (/) me but too foon,. and 
 tQO much ; but the latter always difpleafe 
 me! To be proud of our virtues, is foolim; 
 I am very fenfible of it. It is folly and mad- 
 nefs to boaft, even in the moft diftant man- 
 ner, before an intimate friend -ourfelves, or 
 God, of our virtuous fenfations, thoughts, or 
 deeds ; for every r . every . thing comes from 
 thy mercy, is thy gift Father of my Saviour 
 Jefus Chriit ! 
 
 (f) Do not think it finful, chriftian reader, if thy vir- 
 tues afford thee pleafure ; for it is the will of God that 
 thou ftialtte pleafed with whatever is good; but, at the 
 fcme time, take care not to forget, that what thou art, 
 thou art by the free grace of God, the fole author of 
 virtue. " -. T. 
 
 Thus
 
 SELT-OBSETIVER. fji 
 
 Thus far I wrote, rofe, and walked up and 
 down my room, blufhing fo much at myfelf, 
 that I dropped a tear of wild anger with my- 
 felf, and took a new onfet towards repent- 
 ance : " This curfed pafilon muft be rooted 
 ** out, if peace ihall refide in my foul. How 
 " is it potfible that I can (lain the moft holy 
 " fentiments, which flowed from a pure heart, 
 f< with fo childifh a vanity ! I blufh more at 
 " it, than if I had committed a theftand 
 " yet no day may perhaps pafs, without 
 " my making myfelf guilty of the very error, 
 " the heinoufnefs of which I at prefent feel 
 " in fo lively a manner." 
 
 I went to church, with the firm refolution 
 to be attentive, to meditate, and to apply, as 
 much as poflible, whatever I mould pray, 
 fing, and hear, as a nourifhment and fupport 
 of my Ihame and repentance. 
 
 I did it with great difficulty, and only 
 L 4 with
 
 1^2, JOURNAL OF A 
 
 with a lukewarm zeal until the ferrnon 
 began ; however, during the whole difcourfe 
 of the preacher, I forgqt myfelf entirely, and 
 did not hear it with a lively defire to be edi- 
 fied, nor did I apply it to myfelf ; but lift- 
 ened from the beginning to the end with 
 curiofity, and the ear of a critic. " This 
 " effea," thought I, " it muft produce ; 
 " thus it will work on this perfon, and thus 
 " on that excellently charafterifed !" 
 I could have kififed the preacher: but, 
 alas ! I did not reflecl: once upon myfelf. I 
 was frightened a little at it when I recurred 
 to myfelf, and recolleted my refolutiqijxi | 
 therefore refolved more firmly, to make ur> 
 at home for what I fo fhamefully had negr 
 le&ed. I did it with fome fervour ; but I 
 was foon tired ; a wifli that it might be 
 dinner time, began to mix by degrees with 
 my meditations:" for," thought. I, fecretly 
 
 within
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 153 
 
 within myfelf, " then I may amufe myfclf, 
 " and drop thefe humiliating ideas." 
 
 Before it was dinner time, I had an incli- 
 nation to go to the harpilchqrd. My con? 
 fcrence Teemed not pleafed with it ; however,- 
 I drove to filence it, flattering myfclf, that 
 could play fomething which might exprefs. 
 my prefent fenfe of repentance, and perhaps, 
 give it an additional ftrength. I fat down, 
 being only half convinced, and began with a, 
 kcrymofo without perceiving it, I began 
 to play in a tender melancholy then in, .a 
 tranquil in a content- playful brilliant ^ 
 merry- and, at laft, in a jocofe drain ! In 
 the midft of a moft airy flierzo I recollected 
 myfelfj and ftarted up from my chair. This 
 is always the cafe, thou deceUful heart, when 
 I ttften to thy whims, and plaufible excufes : 
 pot purfuing flraitvvays and quickly, the path 
 pointed out to me by my confcience. 
 
 v> To
 
 *54 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 To day I heard that Mr. O ufed, 
 
 ever} ? Sunday after church, to affemble his 
 domeftics, and to repeat the principal parts 
 of the fermon, to converfe with them in a 
 useful manner, and to eonfult, in the tender 
 language of confidence, on what has been 
 omitted in the week paft, what is to be 
 made amends for in the beginning of the 
 week, or what elfe is to be done ; and always 
 to conclude with pious converfation, with a 
 prayer flowing from the heart ; I cannot but 
 
 efteem Mr. CK for it. I have had many 
 
 a proof of his ferene and undifguifed piety, 
 void of all vanity. So much good has this 
 worthy man been able to do, without much 
 difficulty and noife ! I heard him fay once, 
 with the moft amiable fimplicity: " Whoever 
 " talks much of virtue, will do fo much the 
 " lefs virtuous aclions. One ought to aft 
 " firft, before one talks of virtuous deeds ; 
 
 " God
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 155 
 
 " God knows we can do whatever we wifh, 
 " if we only are in earneft." Indeed this 
 man has fomething fo pleating about him, 
 is fo gentle and modeft, that I have fre- 
 quently wiihed to be a member of his happj 
 family, or, at leaft, one of his intimate 
 friends ! But how I forget myfelf ! I always 
 negleft to go y and to aft. 
 
 I am fo fond of inferting in my journal 
 noble traits of others; I hear and relate them 
 with fo much pleafure and if I had now the 
 good fortune to number Mr. O among 
 my intimate friends (I have a ftrong pre- 
 fentiment that God will make him my con- 
 fidant, in the room of my dear, happy friend). 
 I mould behold his virtues with pieafure ; I 
 mould admire them ; every page of my jour- 
 nal would fpeak of them ; 1 thould do every 
 thing that would feem to befpeak delight in 
 virtue, aad. a fenfe of religion I mould, 
 
 however,
 
 JOURNAL oi- A 
 
 however, perform little ; preparations, plans, 
 difcourfes on this or that fubject, would not 
 be wanting and yet the chief object, the 
 filenr, fimple performance of the duties of 
 religion and virtue, would be neglected. I 
 
 am pleafed with Mr. O 's character ; I 
 
 find much in it, which greatly deferves being 
 imitated ; I am charmed with his wife and 
 pious inftitutions and endeavours I am en- 
 raptured with them but why do I not 
 rather attempt to imitate him ? Why do I 
 not fpend the Sunday like him, if I am 
 pleafed fo much with- his proceedings ? I 
 perceive but too clearly, that lazinefs and 
 &?//- have no fmall (hare in my not. being 
 much -inclined, at prefenr, to introduce fuel* 
 a new regulation 5 yet if I will be fincere, I 
 muft take -care not to-afcribe that remiflhefs 
 to lazinefs alone becaufe it feems fome 
 other mean weaknefs-has a hand in it. 
 
 " If
 
 S.EUF-O* SERVER. | 57 
 
 " If I do as he docs then it will be mere 
 " imitation. : If I had ftarted that .idea tirft, 
 *' then, perhaps, lihould have got the better 
 Ck of my lazinefe .; , but nowi I thipk it would 
 " caufc me difagreeable reproaches. One 
 " would call me an imitator^ \ an afe* qjervtie 
 " follower of Mr.. O- ^-^ and that would be 
 " painful to me-fes,-it would hurt my am- 
 ^ bition,, which I am fo anxk>us,to liide from 
 " myfelf, and others." Thcfe Jdeas, mc- 
 thinks, are lurking in the mo ft fecrct and iu- 
 nioll receffes of my heart. The merit of 
 being the/V& has fomething ch;irnjing for 
 me and now the laft complaints of my de- 
 ceafed friend, againft ambition, ruih fuddenly 
 upon my recollection. Jefus Chrift! who 
 will tear thcfe roots of that mean, dread- 
 ful, childilh, and ridiculgus paifion from my 
 heart ? 
 
 And yet, alas ! 1 feel it, with a pleaftire 
 
 fo
 
 158 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 fo lively, what it is to perform a good aftion 
 with a pure foul, without art, and without 
 paying the leaft regard to the opinions of 
 men ; and yet when I am fo happy to per- 
 form, or to have performed fomething with 
 a true fpirit of chriftian humility, I am always 
 fenfible that this only exalts virtue to its pro- 
 per dignity- Why do I then conftantly re- 
 lapfe into the fame folly, which appears to 
 me fo ridiculous and deteftable ? 
 
 Whatever is good cannot change its na- 
 ture ; I may be the firft, or the fecond, who 
 does it.' I will therefore go and perform it, 
 though it be ever fo difagreeable to me, and 
 ever fo humiliating to my pride,to hear others 
 exclaim : that I only can ape other people. 
 
 I converfed, during fupper, on many good 
 fubjefts ; began to fpeak of the fermon, and 
 put my family in mind of fome poor people, 
 whom.we ought not to forget. I kept- my meff- 
 
 mates
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 159 
 
 mates longer at table than ufual. I fuccecdcd 
 in ftarting (as I fancied) in a fimple, natural 
 manner, many good ideas, and feafonable 
 admonitions. Every one was attentive and 
 pleafed. 
 
 j r f Have we not been- very happy together? 
 K Would it not be well to conclude every 
 " Sunday in the fame mannerr" irifii- 
 
 No fooner had I pronounced thefe words, 
 when a heavy burden was taken from ray 
 heart for this was what I wanted to men- 
 tion in proper time. We now joined in (ing- 
 ing fome hymns. My wife was particularly 
 pleafed with this evening, and myfelf. I 
 thanked God for it, and prayed to him to 
 grant me grace to tontinue. This, perhaps, is 
 one of the bleilings which I Owe to the 
 prayers of my happy friend. 
 
 Thank God ! this has been happily exe- 
 cuted O ! what a pleafure it is to hare 
 
 carried
 
 l6o JOURNAL OB A 
 
 carried a good deed from the firft point of 
 
 an unripe refolution into execution. - 
 
 Strengthen me, ftrengthen me, fweet hea- 
 venly pleafure, which fprings from good 
 aftions, againft the fneaking voice of lazl* 
 nefs and indulgence unnerving our fouls I 
 will not beg flrength of thee, praife of man j 
 thou canft blind only for a few moments. 
 Thou now appeareft to me mean, and unde- 
 ferving of my moft diftant wilh O ! that I' 
 might never fwerve from this difpofition of 
 mind, and could firmly rely upon it at all 
 adventures O God ! thou author of every 
 good fentiment, I thank thee for the tran- 
 quillity of mind which thou art pouring out 
 upon me, frail mortal : 1 how ftrongly do 
 I feel that thy bleffing is far fuperior to all 
 endeavours which are attempted without 
 thee, and unaflifted by confidence in thy 
 bleffing I thank thee for every ilgh to thee 
 
 drawn
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. l6l 
 
 drawn from my breaft, by thy all-guarding 
 providence. 
 
 JANUARY the Fifteenth. 
 
 I BEGAN to read the fixteenth and feven- 
 teenth chapters of St. Matthew, as foon as I 
 was rifen, and after I had fighed to God for 
 fome minutes, proftrated myfelf on my face. 
 Every thing around me was fo filent, my 
 mind fo eafy, and fo open to meditation and 
 pious fenfations Only now and then an 
 anxious apprehenfion, that I foon mould fuf- 
 fer myfelf to be diverted again, feemed to 
 rufh upon my heart. 
 
 I fat down to infert in myjournil fome 
 reflexions and fenfations, which arofe while 
 
 VOL. I. M I was
 
 l6l JOURNAL OF A 
 
 I was reading thefe two chapters. Matth. 
 xvi. v. 23. Get thee behind me, Satan : thou art- 
 an offence unto me: FOR THOU SAVOUREST 
 
 KOT THE THINGS THAT BE OF GoD, BUT 
 THOSE THAT BE OF MAN. Thefe laft WOrds 
 
 I found very noble. Neither the terror of 
 the impending difgrace, and the moft dread- 
 ful fufferings, nor the well-meant admoni- 
 tion and oppofition of a friend, can make 
 the heavenly friend of human kind lofe fight, 
 for a moment, of the purpofe of his million 
 into the world. He who is all meeknefs 
 grows angry at what? at the oppofition 
 which is made againft the execution of the 
 moft difficult tafk, which can be impofed 
 upon a fenfible being, at his being oppofed 
 to be executed as a criminal. 0! that only 
 a fpark of this noble zeal for God might 
 .light upon my cold, lazy, and timid foul, 
 iven fo much to eafe ! J do indeed, gene- 
 rally.
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 163 
 
 rally, not favour the thing* that are of Gad, but 
 thofe that are of man; however, if the fpirit of 
 Chrift did animate me, the mind mould be 
 in me, which was alfo in Jefus Chrift, who 
 is my Lord and Mailer. 
 
 Whofoever will lofe his life for my fake, Jhatt 
 fnd it What could now prevent me to 
 facrifice all my faculties in th fcrvice of 
 Jefus Chrift r" What is a man profited, if he 
 jhall gam, the ivJtole world, aid lofe his own 
 foul? Or whatjhall a man gvve in exchange for 
 his foul ? Every man, and of courfe, I alfo, 
 muft be very dear to God, elfe Jefus Chrrft 
 would not have been angry, becaufe he was 
 difadvifed to fuffer, and to die for me deftroy 
 not him for whom Chrift died : fays St. Paul, 
 Rom. xiv. Can I therefore ncgle& my foul 
 for a Tingle moment ? We are fo proud of 
 perishable, external 'prerogat i ves ; but it is 
 quite the contrary with the internal oncs> 
 M 2 which
 
 164 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 which are of more value than the whole 
 world ! 
 
 Matt. xvii. v. 5. Behold! a voice out of the 
 cloud, which faid : this is my beloved fon, in 
 whom I am well pleafed; hear ye him. O ! that 
 this voice, this evidence of God, might thrill 
 my marrow and my bones, when, in the 
 hours of temptation, the fecret voice of my 
 paflions attempts to whifper in my foul 
 doubts againft the God-head of my Lord. 
 Could his difciples eyes and ears be de- 
 ceived ? Are thefe the words of an impoftor, 
 or a credulous perfon, who dares to write : 
 Wt have not followed cunningly devifed fables, 
 when, we made known unto you the pozver and 
 coming of our Lord Jefus Chrijl, but were eye- 
 witnejjes of his Majejty,for he received from God 
 the Father honour and glory : when there came 
 fuch a voice to him from the excellent glory : 
 
 THIS IS MY BELOVED SON, IN WHOM I AM 
 
 WELL
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 165 
 
 WELL PLEASED; and this voice, which cami 
 from heaven, Wf -heard when we were with him 
 in tJ/e Holy Mount. -(2 Pet: if v:'i6--'i8). - O! 
 God, I thank thee that I am fully fenfible 
 of this truth Jefus of Nazareth is tJty fon 
 O! excellent trirth, whbh contains all others 
 that can be important to me. Grant me, 
 O Father ! to hear this thy Son, hear him 
 alone, at all times, readily and 'faithfully. 
 ' ' v. 'Matt. xvii. v. 19-20. Why could 
 not we caft him out f bccaufe of ymir unbelief 
 (a fimilar paflage fays : lie did not many won. 
 ders at Nazareth becaufe of their unbelief). 
 Unbelief therefore, nothing but unbelief pre- 
 vents Jcfus Chrift from 'evincing his power 
 on us. 1 ^*'-^' 
 
 Matt. xvii. v. 7. Lejlwefltoitldvff end them, 
 
 go thou to thefea, and cajl an hook, and take up 
 
 the fifli that fir ft comet h up : and when thou haft 
 
 opine il his mouthy thou flialt find a piece ofmontf, 
 
 M 3 that
 
 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 that take, and give unto them far we and thte* 
 How inftru&ive : Left wejhould offend them. 
 -Jefus the Son of God would not have 
 been bound to pay the temple-duty but he 
 \vill give no offence rather forego his pre- 
 rogative, than give offence I feel how noble 
 this was Let me imitate thee, my beft and 
 deareft Mailer ! Jefus Chrift is fo poor, that 
 he and his difciples do not poffefs fo much 
 as two Shillings (g) : Though he was rich, yet 
 for our fakes he became floor, that we through 
 his poverty might become rich; 2, Cor. viii* 
 v. 9. How much matter for meditation ! 
 Here I ought to refleft on, and to apply to 
 rnyfelf, another word of our Lord : The dif- 
 ciple is not above hh mafter^nor the fervant above 
 his lord. // is enough for the dijciple that he be 
 
 [#) Stater. Shekel of the fanftuary, about as. 6d.
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 167 
 
 as his majter, and the fervant as his lord (Matt, 
 x. v. 25). Go thmt to thefeaj and caftan hwk, 
 and take tip the fjh thatftrft comet h up, and when 
 thou haft opened his mwth, thou Jhalt find a 
 STATER. How occularly this demonftrates 
 the omnifcience of God ! Jefus Chrift of 
 courfe fees every piece of money I pofiefs ; 
 that I mould give away, and yet keep back. 
 
 let me ponder this when the poor cometh, 
 and begs a charity. 
 
 * ***** 
 
 This day has been fpent well ; I had an 
 opportunity of performing feveral important 
 charitable actions. O God ! let them have 
 an ever falutary effet on the hearts of thofe 
 
 1 have relieved ! Now I am very tired, and 
 it is late j I cannot infert in my journal at 
 large, what has happened to-day ; and, be- 
 fides, our Saviour fays : let not thy left hand 
 
 M 4
 
 l68 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 know what thy right hand doeth (Matt. vi. v. 3.) 
 I am not certain that this journal will never 
 be feen by others, though I may be ever fo 
 precautious. And what I have done 
 to-day, nobody living fhall know, but thou, 
 my God and Saviour, until that day when 
 every thing that is concealed fhall be made 
 known, and publicly rewarded by Thee. 
 
 JANUARY the Sixteenth. 
 
 I CONSIDERED laft night what might 
 be the reafon that ten or, perhaps, twenty 
 years ago, I had made greater progrefs in 
 Chriftianity, than at prefent, though blefled 
 by the fame, and additional, and more ef- 
 ficacious means of grace and with fh'e 
 fame fmcere defire to become entirely good 
 
 and
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 169 
 
 and virtuous which then animated me. I 
 traced the true reafons of that lamentable 
 Hand with impartial rigour, and filent atten- 
 tion, and found, at laft, clearly^ that it pro- 
 ceeded from the following caufe I had cul- 
 tivated with the greateft diligence the ac- 
 quaintance of men of the bell character, 
 and the worthieft divines. I was fo fortu- 
 nate to get acquainted with the moft cele- 
 brated members of that order. A more in- 
 timate connexion with them convinced me 
 that they, at the bottom, were equally fen- 
 fual, and, at leaft, as much as myfeMy at- 
 tached to diverfions, I mean thofe which 
 are held more genteel ; they ftrove, like the 
 generality, although in a different manner, 
 in their own way, to pleafe the world, and 
 to be looked upon by every body as good 
 and worthy people. This gave me, by de- 
 grees, a good opinion of myfelf, although it 
 
 ilruck
 
 iyb JOU-RNAL OF A 
 
 (truck me at firft. Thefe great men, ef- 
 teenied by every body as patterns of virtue, 
 were, in good and ferious companies, good 
 and ferious, much like rnyfelf In the com* 
 pany of wits and lively people they endea- 
 voured to difplay their wit and fprightlinefs 
 -they grew merry, and, as I fancied, be- 
 trayed now and then childifh vanity, when 
 religion happened to be the fubjel of the con- 
 verfation then I heard, indeed, fome af- 
 fected common place remarks, in the fafh- 
 ionable language of the book which they 
 fecmed to have read laft, and repeated 
 without feeling. 
 
 This manner, this tone, was called good 
 breeding; it was not called conforming to this 
 world, but to pleafe all men in all things, not 
 to ferve God and Mammon, but to rejoice with 
 them that do rejoice. 
 
 "When I came home, and reflected upon 
 
 myfelf.
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 3 yi 
 
 jnyfelf, I rejoiced fecretly that I, at leaft, 
 had not played, danced, or uttered wanton 
 words- and that thcfe great and rcfpe&ed 
 men were fo fond of me. 
 
 However, what good had I done, heard, 
 or fpoken ? Aloft certainly, little or notliing 
 at all ; to confefs the truth, I was as regard- 
 lefs, vain, and worldly minded a* 1 had 
 been before ; yet I was not worfe than other 
 people, and perhaps better, becaufe I -was 
 no clergyman, and frequently had been mil 
 led by the prejudice that a clergyman ought, 
 by virtue of his office, to be a little more 
 pious than myfelf, being a lay-man. This 
 idea made me, by degrees, more indifferent 
 to Chriilian piety, and more tardy in doing 
 good, and averfe from every virtue which 
 feemed to require more than common exer- 
 tion and watch fulnefs. 
 
 Every
 
 IJZ "JOURNAL OF A 
 
 ' Every thing contributed to tempt me to 
 improve only fo much in virtue, as would be 
 Tequifite to render me happy in this world ; 
 and to gain the good opinion of people of 
 all claffes ; in particular of thofe who were 
 renowned for wifdom and honefty. I read 
 the neweft moral publications, difplayed in 
 companies fine and well worded fentiments, 
 and neglected on the other fide almoft en- 
 tirely, thofe better means of attaining true 
 piety, prayers and the reading of the Bible. 
 1 prayed, indeed, now and then, but with- 
 out a lively fenfe, without a heart-elevating 
 conviiion of the necellity and the powerful 
 effe&s of prayers; I read in the Bible$ 
 but frequently, only to be able to fay, that 
 I had read it ; I alfo cannot conceal from 
 .myfelf, that the fimplicity of the Bible which 
 now appears to me to be the moft unequivo- 
 
 . cal
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 
 
 cal ftandard of truth, frequently offended 
 my tafte, and that I paffed lightly over cer- 
 tain paffages which now appear to me very 
 important and material, only becaufe thofe 
 clergymen I was fpeaking of, never cited 
 them, and I fancied to obferve that they 
 ufed to pafs them over with a fmgular 
 anxiety, arifing, God knows, from what 
 fource I mean thofe paflages which con- 
 tain the principal doctrines of Chriftianity, 
 as for example : thofe which treat on rege- 
 neration, on the god-head of Chrift ; on the 
 real, not only moral redemption from fin 
 through Jefus Chrift, as far as it is immc^ 
 diately connected with his obedience unto 
 death, and his voluntary facrifice ; on jufti- 
 fication through faith; on the immediate 
 afliftance of the Holy Ghoft in true fanctifi- 
 cation ; on the entire denial of the world ; 
 on the duty of doing every thing, though 
 
 ever
 
 174 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 ever fo Indifferent, in the name and as a dif- 
 ciple of Jefus Chrift, &c. &c. 
 
 In the light in which I, mifguided by 
 thefe gentlemen, had ufed myfelf to view 
 the Bible, I could fee neither the excellence 
 nor the divine origin of it-; on the con- 
 trary, a-11 othtr books had a greater effecl: 
 upon my heart 1 , becaufe F read moft of them 
 with more attention. I even did not think 
 that there were paifeges 1 in that book which 
 I did not under-Hand, nor that I fliould find 
 in it fome new aiiti' great- truth that every 
 thing-which was faid in- it to men in general 
 was alfo of great concern; ta me. 'A dread- 
 ftil prejudice (O ! ( God, how- much gratitude 
 do- I owe thee;, that thou hail opened- my 
 eyes) had by degrees, ftolen upon- my under- 
 ftanding, and at the fame time- taken- foil 
 poiTefiion of my heart viz. that the precepts 
 and promifts of the Gbfpel did 1 concern, 
 
 and
 
 SELP-OBSRRVEi. I^$ 
 
 and in fome refpecl xcluftvely, only the 
 nrft Chriftians (/*). This I had heard faid by 
 thefe intelligent divines, ib frequently, an4 
 on fo many oecafions, fometimes without 
 difguife, and fometimes indirectly, that my 
 former fimple belief in the immediate autho- 
 rity and infallibility of the Bible dwindled 
 away imperceptibly, and that, at length, I 
 could not- but obferve that my pretended 
 Chriftianity was at bottom nothing but a 
 
 (h) This matter is here not difUnftly enough expreflcd, 
 and in general has not yet been placed in its. proper 
 light. The opinion which, the author here ccmbati, is, 
 perhaps, not fo dreadful as he fancies, if ftated properly, 
 and with the requifitc reftri&ions. Every difcourfc or 
 book, no matter whether divine or human, i& always re- 
 gulated after the individual relation exiting between it* 
 author and thofe to whom it is addreffed ; and future 
 leaders, or foreign auditors, ought to apply thenr~to 
 thernfelves, only as far as they art in the famcj or (unite 
 dilutions and relations. 
 
 T. 
 
 very
 
 l>]6 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 very refined deifm, in fpite of my endea- 
 vours to conceal it from myfelf, and the fre- 
 quent invectives which, in our company, 
 were uttered againft unbelief and deifm. 
 My friends alfo fpoiled my heart not a little, 
 by their too frequent flatteries. They 
 fpoke much of the few good qualities they 
 fancied I had, and valued them by far too 
 high. They were too indulgent to my 
 faults, and always pleaded my good heart 
 as an excufe ; they thought it impoffible 
 that I could ever be guilty of malice. My 
 honefty feemed now and then. to draw from 
 them a fmile fo fweet and fo pleafing, that 
 I difplayed frequently a fenfe of probity 
 which was not even on the furface of my 
 heart: They diverted me as foon as I 
 fhewed figns of uneafmefs. My fecurity, 
 which really frequently was nothing but the 
 moft though tlefs carelefsnefs, they miftook 
 
 for
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 177 
 
 for contentment ; my giddinefs appeared to 
 them cheerfulnefs, my indeed frequently 
 fecret-^malicious criticifm on others, par- 
 ticularly on thofe who were not very high in 
 their favour, and whofe opinions in philofo- 
 ph>cal and theological matters were different 
 from theirs, they called wit. Alas ! if they 
 had called thefe things by their proper 
 
 names, I mould never have funk fo low. 
 
 ****** 
 
 JANUARY the Seventeenth. 
 
 THUS far I wrote after I was rifen. Ob- 
 fervations of that nature I am wont to evade 
 under various pretexts, God be praifed, that 
 I have wrote them down at length. 
 
 I was very bufy all the day ; 1 had two 
 VOL. I. N vifitt,
 
 178 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 vifits, one from Mr. M aad one from 
 
 Mr. S which left not many good im- 
 
 preffions behind. Why can I not always 
 turn the converfation on ufeful fubjets ? 
 Why do I fuffer myfelf to be fo eafily 
 guided by other people ? O I God ! how 
 foon do I lofe fight of my duty and deftn 
 nation ! 
 
 In the evening I read in Rabener's Sa- 
 tyres. I know no fatyric equal to him in 
 point of morality ; one fees, in fpite of his 
 fportive fancy, that he always has laudable 
 views. How much fuperior does he appear 
 to me in this refpeft to Swift ; yet I cannot 
 but confefs That the reading of this book 
 did me not much good to-day I hardly 
 could lay it down ; I began to laugh, ancfc 
 every ferious idea vanimed. There wa's 
 time enough left for reading in the Bible for 
 half an hour; or for praying; however, my 
 
 heart
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 179 
 
 heart was averfe from it. I had not the 
 leaft defire to do it. I fmoked a pipe, and 
 read the newfpaper. -; 2J 
 
 Mr. ..* * * * invited us to dine with him 
 to-morrow ; I am, indeed, not quite eafy at 
 it; however, methinks, I want to conceal 
 this uneafinefs from myfelf, and to pafs it 
 lightly over ; this is no good fign, my heart ! 
 why wilt thou not, with resignation, exa- 
 mine whether it be right or not to idle away 
 the beft part of the enfuing day ? Why do I 
 feel fuch a ftrong averfion to prepare myfelf 
 for fuch a day, and fuch a company ? To 
 reflect upon, and to imprint deeply on my 
 mind, the principles which can be applied 
 to all pofiible fituations in which man ever 
 can come. Thofe principles which I (halj 
 ftand fo much in need of to-morrow ? Can 
 I conceal from myfelf, that the nice dinner 
 to which I am invited, already charms my 
 N 2 dainty
 
 iSo JOURNAL OF A 
 
 dainty palate, and that fuch a turbulent 
 noify day has never been advantageous to 
 me, but ^always has had a bad effeft on my 
 heart and confcience ?--.---- 
 
 JANUARY the Eighteenth. 
 
 I COULD have known before hand that 
 yefterday would caufe me a great deal of 
 uneafinefs; thank God that I am at liberty 
 to dedicate this morning to meditations. 
 
 I fpent almoft the whole morning with 
 drawing four defigns. If I were to write 
 down the ideas and fenfations which 
 crowded upon me during this occupation, 
 a whole day fcarcely would be fufficient. 
 
 Sometimes I hardly dared to lift up my 
 
 eyes;
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. |8f 
 
 eyes ; the idefc of the death-bed of my friend 
 was infupportable to me ; the total want of 
 pious feritinients, and of virtue, as well as 
 the ruling thoughtlefsriefs of yefterday, 
 grieved me fo much, that I rofe feveral 
 times, putting paper and pencil afide, and, 
 angry with myfelf, ran up and down the 
 room, groaned, wept, and trembled at my 
 invincible giddihefs and inconftancy. I muft, 
 however, finifh my drawings, thought I; 
 feating myfelf again, and fixing my medita- 
 tions principally upon the whole courfe of 
 this prefent day, and on my gradual pro- 
 grefs in thoughtlefsnefs. 
 
 Firft of all, I had prepared myfelf neither 
 in the morning nor in the evening, in fpite 
 of all the admonitions of my heart; I had 
 not taken particular meafures which was ab- 
 folutely neceflfary, according to many fad 
 experiences, if I would remain matter of 
 N 3 myfelf,
 
 l82 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 myfelf, wife and virtuous.' I had a very 
 diftincl prefenfion that the other day would 
 not be fpent well. I prayed, in the morn- 
 ing, without devotion I was thoughtlefs 
 my conference was not quite filent ; I rea- 
 foned, however, againft its fecret admoni- 
 tions, whifpering foftly in its ear, " There 
 " certainly will be no harm in going to dine 
 " with a friend. Jefus Chrift, himfelf, 
 " went to the wedding at Cana. If it be 
 " no fin to go out to dinner, then, certainly, 
 " it will be right to drefs myfelf properly ; 
 "and to have my hair put 'in order alfo, 
 " will be no fin ! To confult the looking- 
 " glafs whether one is drefTed cleanly and 
 "properly can, at moll, be childiih but it 
 " can certainly not be finful." I went; one 
 hour, or one hour and an half were fpent 
 in gazing, gaping, and chattering. " It 
 " would, however, have been impoffible to 
 
 " fay
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 183 
 
 u fay fometbing ufeful ; it would have been 
 ic the moft ridiculous and unfupportable af- 
 " feftation if ( had attempted to force fome 
 " moral or chriftian converfation upon the 
 " company! Our difcourfe was, at leaft, 
 " not fmful." 
 
 We fat down to table began to chatter 
 and to laugh : I joined in laughing, and the 
 curfed itch of amufing, and interefting a 
 whole company by my talk, raifed my fpi- 
 rits ; I contributed my (hare of anecdotes 
 and then went on by degrees, till not the 
 leaft fpark of ferioufnefs was left in my foul. 
 Every moment which was unoccupied by 
 narrations, every paufe between anecdote 
 and anecdote, rendered me uneafy. This 
 was quite fufficient for me not to decline 
 an airing in fledges, " That exercife" 
 thought I " is innocent and wholefome ; 
 " it will pleafe the ladies ; how odd would 
 N 4 " *
 
 184 JOURNAL OP A 
 
 * it be if I were to affect a pious mein, and 
 " retire from the company. How abfurd 
 " would it be to bring religious fubjets on 
 " the carpet in a fledge, which advances fo 
 " rapidly that one muft take care not to be 
 " thrown off one's guard, and where one 
 " intends to enjoy an innocent pleafure !" 
 
 This argument feems, in the moment of 
 amufement, and in the fituatjon itfelf, to be 
 pretty juft. However, the fum of all thefe 
 ideas and arguments is, neverthelefs, the 
 lofs of a day (not to mention a word of the 
 confequences of bad example, which may be 
 much more dreadful, than we perhaps ever 
 imagine) the lofs of a day -what an irrepar- 
 able lofs ! Who gives me the liberty and 
 the right to throw away a day, which is the 
 property of my God ? A whole day not to 
 live as my Lord and Mafter wants me to 
 live ! To conform to the world a fingle day. 
 
 To
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. j 8 J 
 
 To negleft one day to fow feeds for the har- 
 veft of eternity ! What a dreadful delufion ! 
 O ! God ! how much good could I have 
 done yefterday ; how much good which now 
 has not been and never will be done ! Al- 
 though whatever I have done mould have 
 been innocent, and whatever I have omitted 
 mould have been omitted innocently, after 
 the opinion of all moraliils, yet I cannot but 
 reflect with inward grief, that this day could 
 have been fpent in a manner more ufeful to 
 myfelf and others in all eternity. A mer- 
 chant who could have gained a thoufand dol- 
 lars in one day, and has gained only three or 
 four, will fcarcely pcrfuade himfelf that he 
 has had a good day, although fome other 
 perfon who is ufrd to gain little or nothing 
 in many days, would think that tritUug 
 fum large enough. 
 
 Yet many people might, perhaps, think 
 
 that
 
 l86 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 that it would be too anxious, to weigh our 
 days in that manner however, he who 
 knows how much good we can do in orfe 
 day, will certainly think one day which he 
 has idled away, a very lamentable lofs. Be- 
 fides the idea of the death-bed of my friend 
 forces itfelf conftantly on my imagination, 
 though ever fo much againft my inclination. 
 How ill fpent would I think fuch a day to 
 be with every other perfon, and how much 
 fliould I pity fuch a perfon if I were to view 
 it by the fide of a dying man ! 
 
 " Live, as thou at the gates of eternity 
 " (halt wifli to have lived" can I repeat this 
 too frequently-^- W hatever prevents me from 
 refle&mg with tranquillity and pleafure on 
 my laft moment mail be fufpe&ed by my 
 heart, although the whole world mould de- 
 clare it innocent ; or, which is the fame, 
 whatever I do not perform in the name, as 
 
 a difci-
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 187 
 
 a difciple and follower of Jefus Chrift, what 
 Jefus Chrift in my place, and in my fituation 
 would not have done, and what I would 
 not do if he were vifibly ftanding before 
 me ! 
 
 I prayed, not without repentance and de- 
 votion, for the forgivenefs of my fins, particu- 
 larly thofe of the other day. O ! God ! pre- 
 vent, through Jefus Chrift, all bad confe- 
 quences of my thoughtleflhefs and inatten- 
 tion. Thou canft and wilt do it- O what 
 an ineftimable comfort is this how little 
 do we value it r 
 
 I went to bed at half an hour after eleven, 
 and prayed for conftancy in my good refolu- 
 tions ; I heard the watchman cry twelve 
 o'clock, and then fell aflecp. 
 
 JAM ARY
 
 lS8 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 JANUARY the Nineteenth. 
 
 ALTHOUGH I had fat up laft night 
 later than ufual, yet I awoke before fix 
 o'clock, with an uncommon tranquillity and 
 ferenity ; I fighed, and thanked God for it- 
 As foon as my wife awoke I told her how 
 ierene I was ; however, I would not boaft 
 of that fenfation, becaufe it was perhaps not 
 fo deeply rooted in my heart, as it appeared ; 
 I told her, it was no merit to be eafy at 
 heart when there feemed to be no occafion 
 for uneafinefs. But to remain tranquil when 
 people do whatever they can to difturb our 
 peace of mind ; then not to lofe one's equa- 
 nimity is the effeft of fuperior wifdom and 
 a firmer virtue. Our converfation became 
 more and more ferious ; I faid (thank God, 
 
 with
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 189 
 
 with conviftion, and not without fhame and 
 forrow), " I become every day more fenfi- 
 " ble, that I am not yet a true difciple of 
 " Jefus Chrift; I (hould be horribly mif- 
 " taken, if, in fpite of all the good qualities 
 <{ I may have attained, which I am not in- 
 " clined to deny out of a falfe humility, I 
 " were to fancy to poflefs only in a tolerable 
 " degree, that faith and love which the 
 " Sofpel fo clearly requires." 
 
 My wife fancied that I carried matters 
 rather too far ; that I made myielf uneafy 
 without need" You have," (he faid, " rir- 
 " tuc and your eternal happinefs more at 
 " heart, than a thoufand other people ; you 
 " do every day fo much good, and I arn 
 " convinced you do it with the greateft fin- 
 " cerity of heart why ihould you te d'uTa- 
 * f tisfied with yourfelf ? Who could hope to 
 
 be
 
 ICJO JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " be faved, if one muft be better, and do 
 " more good than you." 
 
 I can fay that I heard this fpeech of my 
 wife, not only with indifference, but alfo 
 with pungent mame, and almoft with tears; 
 though it came from the lips of my ten- 
 dereft friend, and the ocular witnefs of my 
 life. 
 
 " Alas 1" faid I, " we deceive ourfelves in 
 " a moft mocking manner, if we compare 
 " ourfelves to other people, and not to our 
 " great and fole prototype. Do you think, 
 * e my deareft love, God will judge us after 
 " the example of thofe who are worfe than 
 " ourfelves, or after the law of liberty ? Do 
 < f you think it poffible, according to the na- 
 *' ture of things, to mare the happinefs of 
 " Chrift, if the mind is not in us which was 
 " alfo In Jefus Chrift ? Is not the pureft love 
 
 of.
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 
 
 " of God and man, the natural and imme- 
 " diate fource of the happinefs of a mortal 
 " being? Although God be ever fo power- 
 " ful and merciful, yet he cannot take us 
 '-' into his communion without that love ; and 
 " without the communion with him, we 
 " (hall be as little capable of true happinefs, 
 " adequate to our rational, moral, and fpi- 
 " ritual nature, as an idiot, or an unlettered 
 " man is fufceptible of the pure pleafures 
 " of wifdom and meditation ; our foul can, 
 " without an intimate and immediate com- 
 " munion with God, be as little happy, as 
 " our body can live without air. 
 
 " Love God above all things, and thy 
 " neighbour like thyfelf. O my God ! how 
 " far diftant am I ftill from that mark ! No 
 " general love, including all human-kind ! 
 " No love, as St. Paul defcribes it, i Cor. xiii, 
 * is in my heart No love of God Alas ! 
 
 " my
 
 192 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " my dear! and my heart is ftill enflaved by 
 " fo much thoughtleflhefs, heavtnefs, weak- 
 (< nefs, worldllnefs, vanity, ambition, and 
 " irafcibility. I never can be fure ; to be, 
 " only one day, I will not fay, perfectly vir- 
 " tuous, but only free of all voluntarily, 
 " excited, or foftered emotions of thefe 
 " vices !" 
 
 I rofe not before eight o'clock, and read 
 the eighteenth and nineteenth chapters of 
 St. Matthew. My fentiment for this day 
 fhall be : " Verily 1 fay unto you, except ye be 
 " converted, and become as little children, ye 
 <f Jhall not enter into the kingdom of heaven .* 
 " Whoever fliatt therefore humble kimfelf as this 
 " little child, the [am e is greatejl in the kingdom 
 <f of heaven." 
 
 \ find this fentence more grand, than it 
 can be expreffed by words. O, my good 
 God ! let my whole deportment, and my moft 
 
 fecret
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 193 
 
 fecret fenfations, be a living interpretation 
 of thefe words ! - aW* I x ^*. : :;**; &<rf 
 
 This was one of the beft days of this year. 
 To-day thanks to thee, O merciful God ! 
 I have lived all in all true to all my 
 principles, as much as poflible ! 
 
 JANUARY the Twentieth. 
 
 I ROSE at fix o'clock. It was cold; and 
 I was not quite well, and tempted to lay 
 myfelf down again ; however, I wrapt my- 
 felf in my pelife, lighted the fire, which em* 
 ployed and amufed me half an hour, but 
 gave me head-ache and tooth-ache I was 
 angry with myfelf yet I read the twentieth 
 
 VOL. I. O and
 
 fp4 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 and twenty-firft chapters of St. Matthew. 
 The fentiment I chofe for the prefent day 
 was : All things whatsoever ye Jhall ajk in prayer, 
 believing, ye Jhall receive. 
 
 I refieted ferioufly upon thefe words, 
 having little elfe to do, and felt an uncom- 
 mon tranquillity and ferenity in my foul at 
 it. One fimilar pafTage after the other oc- 
 curred to my recollection. I was aftoniflied 
 that fuch a number of plain paflfages, treat- 
 ing on the efficacy of devout prayers, which 
 I had fo frequently heard and read, mould 
 now, for the firft time, ftrike me fo power- 
 fully ; I rejoiced however as much at it, as if 
 I had found a great treafure. Yet I was 
 very fenfible that I was ftill deftitute of faith, 
 and a lively attachment to the divine truth 
 I fighed therefore, that that faith which is 
 acceptable to God, might be encreafed and 
 animated within me. 
 
 In
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 195 
 
 In the afternoon Mr. M came to fee 
 me. My whole heart was replete with the 
 new truth which I fancied to have found 
 out. I converfed with him upon it ; he lift- 
 ened attentively to me with a fmiling mien, 
 and at laft faid: " It is very remarkable, that 
 " you introduce this fubjecl to my attention ; 
 " I affure you, that in fpite of what one is 
 " ufed to obferve, in order to reftrain thefe 
 " divine promifes, I am fully convinced that 
 " we wrong the Gofpel very much, if we 
 " deny that the great reward, which has 
 " been promifed to faith and prayers, does 
 " not extend to our times. However, I can- 
 " not but confefs, that to this hour I have 
 " kept this conviction to myfelf, apprehend- 
 " ing to expofe myfelf to idle litigations of 
 " words and ridicule ; but now I will thank 
 " God, that he has granted you the fame 
 " perfuafion." 
 
 02 He
 
 196 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 He then related to me, with an amiable 
 fimplicity, modefty, and warmth, feveral ex- 
 tremely remarkable incidents of very (hiking 
 and almoft wonderful grants of prayers, 
 which he himfelf had experienced in very 
 important concerns, and of which he as yet 
 had fpoken to no one. He begged me to 
 divulge to no one, even not to my wife, what 
 he had told me; I promifed it: the tears 
 ftarted feveral times from my eyes; I thanked 
 God, with great emotion of heart, for this ' 
 confirmation in my faith, for which I had 
 prayed to-day. O God ! how good, how 
 unfpeakably more merciful art thou than 
 men will believe thee to be, notwithftanding 
 all thy pofitive promifes ! They difpute thy 
 goodnefs, inftead of fimply trying to expe- 
 rience it, according to the inftruftion of thy 
 Gofpel. 
 
 O ! give me the fpirit of fimple filial faith, 
 
 and
 
 SJtLF-OBSERVER. {97 
 
 and I fhall certainly experience, that, although 
 heaven and earth fhould pafs away, yet the 
 words of Jefus Chrift never will. 
 
 Thefe refle&ions employed me the whole 
 day -and yet I did not pray half an hour 
 without interruption. O ! how giddy is my 
 heart ! how much does it aft in contradiftion 
 with itfelf ! when (hall it be wholly conform- 
 able to its feelings. 
 
 JANUARY the Twenty-firft and Second. 
 
 THESE two days I had the tooth-ache, 
 though not very violent, a^d a fwelled face. 
 I could neither read nor write much ; and 
 now I am not at leifure to write down feve- 
 ral filiations of my mind which I have ob- 
 ferved. 
 
 O 3 My
 
 198 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 My wife read to me Jerufalem's Sermons 
 on the Bleffings of Heaven. My mind was 
 very tranquil and ferene. Thefe two nights 
 I had the fourth and fifth canto of the Median 
 read to me. What a paftime for the mind, 
 and the heart ! What an excellent perform- 
 ance it would be, if a poet would paint with 
 majefty and fimplicity, and without Jiftiott, 
 the life, and all the deeds of Chrift ; in fhort, 
 the whole hiftory of the Gofpel ! * - 
 
 JANUARY the Twenty-third. 
 
 I DID not rife before half an hour after 
 feven, prayed -without attention, and felt 
 fome uneafinefs in my mind ; however, 
 
 I became
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 199 
 
 I became more eafy, as foon as I began to 
 read in the Gofpel. I read three chapters 
 of St. Matthew, and chofe, as a fentiment for 
 this day, the words: TkouJJialt love thy neigh- 
 bour as thyfelf! 1 drank chocolate, 
 
 wrote a letter to O , and another to N . 
 To the latter I remitted a book, which he 
 had lent me long ago. I recollected the re- 
 queft of my deceafed friend ; elfe I mould 
 have felt fome reluctance to return the book j 
 God knows, not out of difhonefty or felfifh- 
 nefs, but partly Trom lazinefs and commodi- 
 oufnefs, and partly becaufe I was rather 
 afhamed of having kept the book fo long ; I 
 would willingly have given him one into the 
 bargain, if that would have fpared me the 
 mame of my negligence. ? -'"* ;-*' 
 
 My fervant alked me after dinner, whe- 
 ther (he fbould fweep my room. " Yes, 
 04 " but
 
 200 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 ? but you muft not touch my books, nor 
 * c my papers." This I fpoke not with the 
 gentle, mild accent of a good heart ! No ! a 
 fecret uneafinefs and fear, that it would give 
 me fome vexation, feemed to have taken 
 place in my heart. After me had been gone 
 fome time, I faid to my wife, " I am afraid 
 " me will caufe fome confufion up flairs." 
 My wife flole away a few moments after, 
 with the beft intention, in order to prevent 
 any vexation of that fort, and commanded 
 the fervant to be careful. " Is my room not 
 " fwept yet?" I exclaimed at the bottom of 
 the ftairs. However, inftead of waiting pa- 
 tiently for an anfwer, I ran up ftairs, and on 
 my entering the room, the fervant overturned 
 an -ink-ftand, which was (landing on the 
 flielf. She was very much terrified ; and I 
 called to her in very harfli terms : " What 
 " a ftupid beaft you are ! Have J not pofi- 
 
 " tively
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 3OI 
 
 " tively told you to be careful ?'' My wife 
 followed me up flairs, flow 'and fearful. - 
 Inftead of being afhamed, my anger broke 
 out anew; I took no notice of her; running 
 to the table, lamenting and moaning, as if 
 the moft important writings had been fpoiled 
 and rendered ufelefs ; although the ink had 
 touched nothing but a blank fheet, and fome 
 blotting paper. The fervant watched an 
 opportunity to fneak away, and my wife ap- 
 proached me with timid mildnefs. " Mj 
 " dear hufband," fhe fa id I ftared at her 
 with vexation in my looks flie embraced 
 me I wanted to get out of her way her 
 face refted on my cheek for a few moments 
 " you hurt your health, my dear!" fhe 
 faid at laft, with unfpeakable tendernefs. 
 I now began to be afliamed. I remained 
 filent, and at laft began to weep ! " What a 
 " rniferable (lave to my temper I am ! I dare 
 
 " not
 
 2O2, JOURNAL OF A 
 
 *' not lift up my eyes ! I cannot rid myfelf 
 " of the dominion of that finful paffion !" 
 " But, my dear," replied my wife, " confider 
 " how many days and weeks pafs without 
 " your being overcome by your anger! 
 " come along with me, we will pray toge- 
 c< ther." She went with me into her clofet, 
 praying fo naturally, fervently, and fo much 
 to the purpofe, that I thanked God fincerely 
 for that hour and my wife, being extremely 
 revived by her prayers. 
 
 We were interrupted ; I went to my ftudy, 
 fighed a few moments, tore the ftained paper 
 to pieces, and threw it away. It ftruck me, 
 that the fkull was alfo ftained with ink. It 
 Ihall be my remembrancer. 
 
 Thus far I had wrote when Mr. M 
 came to fee me. We converfed on different 
 news and books, fmoked a pipe, and I for- 
 got myfelf almoft entirely. The fervant 
 
 brought
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 
 
 brought tobacco 5 I fcarcely could look at 
 her ; the fight of her pierced my foul ; and 
 yet I rejoiced fecietly that I was not alone 
 when I faw her the firft tirhe, after I -had 
 given vent to my paflxm ; I mould not have 
 known what carriage to affume. Very for- 
 tunately (he feemed herfelf amamed and de- 
 jeted, as if begging my pardon j this drew 
 a tear from my eye. 
 
 My fpirits revived again when me had left 
 the room, and my friend went away at five 
 o'clock. I mould have been glad to have 
 had his company longer, becaufe I was afraid 
 of being left to the reflections on myfelf. I 
 tried to read a tittle ; and yet my confcience 
 told me that I mould not read now. Soon 
 after I laid the book afide, and was going to 
 converfe with God, and with myfelf; how- 
 ever it would not do I was obdured like 
 a ftone. I fat down, vexed at myfelf, and 
 
 continued
 
 2O4 JOURKAL OF A 
 
 continued my journal thus far : and (alas ! 
 why am I ftill fo ftubborn, fo inflexible, 
 and tearlefs ?) I was much lefs afhamed of 
 my difgraceful rafhnefs, than I ought to have 
 been ; however, I perceive very well, that 
 I amufe myfelf as much as I can. And I 
 know, neverthelefs, that I (hall repeat this 
 fin, as fure as I now neglecY to poftpone 
 every thing, though ever fo innocent and 
 ever fo good, in order to reflecl: upon, and 
 to feel the whole force of the abominable- 
 nefs of my fault , if I do not endeavour, at 
 prefent,with the greatefl diligence, to lament 
 it iincerely, and to pray to him who, through 
 Jefus Chrift, can take away and repair all 
 the bad confequences of our fins, to forgive 
 me my tranfgreffions. O, God ! let my heart 
 become fmcere and artlefs ; I am more afraid 
 of it than of the moft inveterate enemy, and 
 the moft artful traitor. It deceives and 
 
 blinds
 
 1ELF-OBSERVER. 
 
 blinds me never more effectually than after 
 I have made a flip Then it impels me to 
 go and to do a good a6Hon, to perform 
 fomething ufeful, to give advice, to write 
 an important letter which was forgotten, to 
 affift the poor, &c. &c. &c. for no other rea- 
 ibn but to divert me imperceptibly from 
 myfelf, and from the reflection on my 
 faults. 
 
 Whatever good I can do at prefent, is of 
 lefs confequence than reflecting now in pri- 
 vate and filently, in the prefence of God, 
 upon myfelf and endeavouring to advife 
 and to affift myfelf in preference to others. 
 I will therefore dedicate the prefent mo- 
 ments to faithful and exal reflections on 
 the heinoufnefs of the fin I have com- 
 mitted. 
 
 God was prefent when I gave vent to my 
 anger the moft holy and meek Saviour ha 
 
 witneffed
 
 106 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 witneffed the unbecoming and wild erup- 
 tion of my paflion ; Jefus Chrift to whom I 
 have vowed, hundred and thoufand times, to 
 be more upon my guard againft that paffion 
 Jefus Chrift who has already forgiven me 
 many premeditated fins, which were a thou- 
 fand times more glaring Jefus, who amid 
 the moft painful fufferings that could be in- 
 flited upon him, exclaimed : Father forgive- 
 them ! he has witnefled my uncharitable and 
 (hameful paflion and bitternefs. He faw 
 me, although I did not fee Mm ; he has heard 
 my words ; the whole diforder of my abomi- 
 nable incenfed heart was laid open before 
 his flaming eyes. The holy angels too, who 
 are conftantly reforting to this earth, and 
 return joyfully to heaven, when they behold 
 the fincere repentance of a fmner upon earth 
 they too have been prefent Alas ! you 
 could not but turn your face from me, ye 
 
 friends
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 207 
 
 friends to virtue, ye heroes in meeknefs and 
 love and if now you fhould return to my 
 happy friend with forrowful looks, and if he 
 fhould enquire the reafon of it O ! how am 
 I covered with fhame ! O ! turn your faces 
 again to a (inner, who begins to weep, that 
 he has finned in the fight of God and heaven! 
 And thou, Satan, didft rejoice when thou 
 faweft me in a paffion Horrible idea ! to 
 have made heaven weep, and hell rejoice 1 - 
 I have not aled as a future citizen of hea- 
 ven not as a difciple of Jefus Chrift, but 
 as a child of hell, as a follower of Satan ! 
 
 My foul too I have difordered and ruffled ! 
 immortal like herfelf is the impreffion, the 
 venemous impreffion which fin has made 
 upon me, if Jefus Chrift blots it not out 
 again, through the power of his omnipotent 
 fpirit. 
 
 Ererv
 
 208 JOURNAL Of A 
 
 Every repetition of a fin ; every repeated 
 eruption of a paffion, improves the hei- 
 nous habitude of finning without compuno 
 tion. 
 
 And if I fhould happen to die, or to be 
 furprifed by death, in fuch a fituation of 
 mind, O! my God, make me very fenfible 
 of the infufferable horror of that idea let 
 me fenfibly feel the fhame and terror at my- 
 felf, which would feize me, if I mould be 
 fummoned before thy moft holy tribunal; 
 and view, in the bright light of thy prefence, 
 the horrors of my own heart. And the im- 
 preffion which my anger may have made on 
 the heart of my fervant (not to mention the 
 fecret grief which it has caufed to my tender 
 wife) how fatal can it be ! which is fo 
 much the more to be feared, as it has been 
 produced by a man, of whofe probity and 
 
 virtue
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 
 
 virtue (he has no mean idea ! How much 
 eafier will (he now fuffer herfelf to be ruled 
 by fmiilaf paflions ! N 
 
 What renders this accident ftill more vex- 
 atious to me, is the idea : how good, how ex- 
 cellent my behaviour would have been, if I had 
 remained cool and moderate! if I had been 
 prepared for an accident of that kind, and 
 confidered how eafily one can commit fuch 
 a flip ! if I had alked myfelf, how would thy 
 Lord and Mafter have behaved in fuch a cafe ? 
 or how wouldft thou aEl if his prefence were vijt* 
 bte to thee f if I had awaited the eafy anfwer 
 to that queftion, and really directed my 
 thoughts to this my Lord and Matter " O 
 " Lord! imprint the image of thy meeknefs 
 " deeply upon my foul ! Let thy fpirit be 
 " active in my heart ! beftow uj>on me the 
 " moft precious of all gifts in heaven and 
 " upon earth thy mind !" If in that fitua- 
 
 VOL. I. P tion
 
 aiO JOURNAL OF A 
 
 tion of mind I had ftept in my room, and 
 taken care not to do it while I perceived 
 the leaft uneafinefs, or inclination to anger, 
 in the remoteft recefles of my heart if then 
 I had faid to my fervant, in a mild accent, 
 " It feems you have had a little accident I 
 Well ! well ! I do not think it will be of 
 " confequence, and if you mould have da- 
 " maged my papers, I will not fcold you, 
 " Kitty 3 I know you did not do it defign- 
 " edly, and you will be more careful in fu- 
 " ture." O God ! how eafy fliould I be now ! 
 how many vexations could I have avoided ! 
 with how much pleafure would the holy 
 angels would Jefus Chrift have looked upon 
 me ! how much mould I have been improved 
 by a fingle victory of that kind ! what a 
 ftrength mould I have acquired againft any 
 future trial ! and what an example could I 
 have fet ! 
 
 Thcfe
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 211 
 
 Thefe reflexions make the deepeft and 
 moft efficacious impreflion upon my heart, 
 and overwhelm me with forrow and grief 
 
 God, in whom I live and move, and have 
 my being, keep this idea alive in my foul 
 arm my heart with thefe fenfations againft all 
 attacks of temptations, and of my paflions. 
 
 1 deferve the additional humiliation fo vex- 
 atious to my vanity to make a drawing of 
 that fatal fcene, to put it up as an ever 
 prefent monitor. 
 
 JANUARY the Twenty-fourth. 
 
 I AWOKE at fix o'clock, my mind being 
 frill occupied with the idea of the fault I 
 had committed yefterday ; and tofled myfclf 
 
 P 2 tO
 
 12, JOURNAL OF A 
 
 to and fro in my bed, toimented by uneafi- 
 nefs, lhame, anxiety, and fear of myfelf. I 
 began to weep gently, and a loud groan 
 ftole from my breaft ; at length I began to 
 pray, and became eafier and more ferene. 
 My wife comforted me, praying with me 
 the hymn: 
 
 O Lord ho# boundlefs is thy mercy !"&c. &c. &c, 
 
 I almoft melted in tears when we came to 
 the words : 
 
 ' O Saviour that I equalled thee in raeeknefs ! 
 
 " But I confefs my guilty weaknefs, 
 
 Confefs that wild unbridled paflion, 
 
 " Stains but too frequently my mind ; 
 
 ** Makes me to every chriftian virtue, blind." 
 
 I took the refolution to remain the whole 
 morning in private, and to refleft, as much 
 as poffible, upon myfejf. Having drank tea, 
 I walked up and down the room, and recalled 
 to my mind tl\j image of my crucified Saviour, 
 
 when
 
 ELF-OBSERVR. "213 
 
 when he exclaimed : " Father ! forgive them-, 
 " for they know not what they /do" , 
 
 I fat myfelf down, and began to 'draw a 
 defign of that fituation, as well a* { ?ould. 
 
 Good God ! what fenfations thrilled my 
 -foal, while I was-idoing it! Unutterable 
 pains, the mod provoking infults, and a ma- 
 lice never equalled, could not difturb thy 
 equanimity, thou eternal love in human 
 fhape! did not animate thee with refent- 
 ment ! No ! with pity ! I take hold of thy 
 crofs, and adore thee Give me thy fpirit, 
 and I mail become thy difciple ! (/). 
 
 (/) 'the Editor has been obliged to leave out the fecond 
 part of the obfcrvations of this day. 
 
 P 3 JANUARY
 
 214 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 JANUARY the Twenty-fifth. 
 
 HAVING not much to do to-day, I will 
 make fome obfervations which may ferve to 
 improve my virtue, and to produce pious fen- 
 timents in my heart. 
 
 I read the twenty-fifth chapter of St. Mat- 
 thew with filent attention, much emotion, 
 and fincere edification. 
 
 I cannot comprehend entirely the parable 
 of the ten virgins ; at moft, the chief pur- 
 port of it. What may it mean : all of them 
 have been ajleep ? the wife virgins too Go ye 
 rather to them that fell This too I do not 
 comprehend. I know very well that one 
 ought not to lay a particular ftrefs on every 
 individual part of a parable ; however, the 
 wifdom of our heavenly inftruclor intitles me 
 to expeft that every head part of the para- 
 ble
 
 SELF-OBSERVER, 2I ^ 
 
 ble muft relate to fomething. Should, per- 
 haps, this parable be a kind of prophecy, 
 the meaning of which will be cleared up 
 either during the completion of it, or after- 
 wards ? (k). 
 
 Watch) therefore, for ye know neither the day, 
 nor the hour, wherein the/on of man cometh. O 
 God 1 grant that I always may be ready to 
 appear before thee Stop, O my foul! and 
 reflet upon the important words: before thte 
 before thee, my Father my Creator my 
 
 (k) If we look upon this parable as a prophecy of the 
 fiege and fall of Jerufalem, and the different behaviour of 
 the Chriftians and Jews, the former of whom properly 
 may be called wife, in oppofition to the latter, the doubts 
 of the Author can eafily be cleared up. Both parties flept ; 
 or (which is the fame) had no idea that the Romans 
 would be able to take a town fo ftrongly fortified, and 
 garrifoned with an immenfe number of defenders, far fu- 
 perior to that of the befiegers; till they were roufed from 
 their fecurity by the encreafing danger. 
 
 TRANSLATOR. 
 
 P 4
 
 Judge i .and my Redeemer., who only has immor- 
 tality, dwelling in the light which no man can 
 approach unto ; whom no man has feen, nor can 
 fee. 
 
 * * * * 
 
 Well done, thou good and faithful fervant ; 
 thou haft been faithful over a few things, I will 
 make thee ruler over many things, enter than into 
 the joy of thy Lord!. How important ! ho\v 
 unfpeakably comforting \ to be pronounced 
 by God, good and faithful ! by him whofe 
 judgment alone is juft -faithful over- a few 
 things procures dominion over? and- pojj-ejjion of 
 many things. Chrift will make the faithful 
 ruler over many things ! will, confequently, 
 pronounce him worthy, and capable of taking 
 care of a great part of the concerns of his 
 kingdom in the next world he fliall parti- 
 cipate of the joy of his Matter. 
 
 Thou, wicked and Jlothful fervant ! thou 
 
 knowejl
 
 that I reaped where I /owed not, and 
 gather where I have notjrewed! How many 
 men defame the goodnefs of God, and yet 
 are not afraid to bid defiance to a God, and 
 \yilfully to tranfgrefs the laws of a' Go4, 
 wjiorn they ^hin^ to be too hard and rigour* 
 
 ous ! 
 
 ***** 
 
 Unto every one that has flail be given, and he 
 'all have abundance; but from him that has not 
 JJiaJl be taken away, even that which he has. 
 
 The truth of this fentence is implied in 
 the nature of the fubjeft. We poflefs fome- 
 thing only if we make a proper ufe of it ; if 
 I make no ufe of the fmall light which God 
 has given me, it foon will extinguiih en- 
 tirely. NotMt/e is certain loft. 
 
 *i * * * * 
 When the fon of man.Jhall erne in his glory > 
 attd all the holy angels zt'/.'/i //;>;, thsn htjlivtt fa 
 
 upon
 
 2l8 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 upon the throne of his glory ; and before him flialt 
 be gathered all nations : and he Jfiatt feparatc* 
 them one from another , as aftiepherd divideth his 
 Jheepfrom the goats. If future falvation would 
 be delirable, and future damnation dreadful, 
 for no other reafon they certainly would be 
 fo on account of that reparation ! What a 1 
 heaven where there are none but good men ! 
 what a hell where there are none but vil- 
 lains! How infinitely muft this feparation 
 and affociation multiply the happinefs of the 
 former, and the defpair of the latter ! 
 
 Come, ye blefjed of my Father, inherit the king- 
 dom prepared for you from the foundation of the 
 world! What a kingdom, the glory of 
 which has been founded from all eternity by 
 the Infinite and muft encreafe, and come 
 to its maturity, by divine inftitutions, which 
 
 have
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 219 
 
 have been carried on through many thou- 
 fand years ! 
 
 / was an httngred, and ye gave me meat 
 
 Here I cannot reftrain the ftarting tear 
 
 Jefus Chrift I I a poor reptile, can feed 
 thee ! Thee, who art the fource of all nou- 
 rifliment, and the fountain of life ! O if I 
 did but believe this; always believe it! what 
 a different lhape would then my charities af- 
 fume ! If a king went about begging, with- 
 out being known, and I had certain intelr 
 ligence that I beheld a king before me, how 
 would I treat him, although I mould be de- 
 firous, or obliged to conceal my knowledge 
 of his being a king ! Alas ! I will confefs 
 that I feldom believe, faithfully believe, what 
 Jefus Chrift fays: Verily, I fay unto you, inaf- 
 much as ye have done it unto one of the leaft of 
 thefe my brethren, ye have done it unto me ! 
 Verily, I fay unto you, inafmuch as ye did it 
 
 not
 
 J2-O JOURNAL OF A 
 
 not to one of ike leajl of thefe, ye did it not to 
 me. 
 
 The fole oniiffion of charitable deeds eaufes 
 the dreadful fentence : Depart from me, ye 
 turfed, into ever lofting fire, prepared for the 
 devil and his angels. Who will be able to 
 afibciate with the affembly of the enemies to 
 God, truth, virtue, happinefs, and the human 
 race, without being utterly miferable ? O 
 God! have mercy on me ! Even thofe who 
 only have neglected being charitable, jliall go 
 into ever lofting punifhment ; but the righteous into 
 life eternal. Right eouj'nefs, that is, loving Chrifi 
 in his members, and life everlafting, are mate- 
 rially connefted - - - - i - . - 
 
 (/) The Fdinr muft omit the remainder of this day's 
 journal. 
 
 JANUARY
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 2ZI 
 
 JANUARY the Twenty-fix*/ 
 
 I READ the three firft chapters of St. 
 Mark ; and chofe for the fentiment of this 
 day, the words : They that are whole have n* 
 need of the phyfaian, but they that arefok : I 
 came not to call the righteous, but finntrs t9 re- 
 pentance. 
 
 I was occupied all the morning ; yet I 
 remained tranquil, and alrnoft conftantly fe- 
 rene, (bme little inward emotions excepted. 
 
 I difpatched my dinner, perufed my rules* 
 bluflied at my negligence, giddinefs, and 
 inconftancy, and prayed with no fmall con- 
 fidence. I was occupied with writing fome 
 letters till near four o'clock. I could intro- 
 duce fome good ideas, which occurred tu 
 my mind, in a very natural manner; I thanked 
 
 God
 
 222 ./OlTRNAt OF A 
 
 God while I was writing, and fighed to him 
 to make them, by his power, efficacious in 
 the hearts of my friends. Emotions of va- 
 nity were fever al times rifing within me ; I 
 repelled them with pungent fhame and fcorn- 
 ful pride, and conquered them courageoufly, 
 without liftening to their enchanting voice. 
 
 I was quite alone in the evening, and felt 
 fome inclination to devotion. I began to 
 fing the hymns : 
 
 " How often does thy heart complain," Sec. &c. &c. 
 " When once the trials of this life," &c. &c. &c. 
 
 My mind was very much affefted, and my 
 filent joy rofe by degrees to a real rapture, 
 One tear of joy followed the other ; I be- 
 came fo unfpeakably happy, that I funk 
 down upon my face, forgetting every thing 
 around me, and feeling only the prefence of 
 God. I was fenfible of my great weaknefs, 
 my want of merit, my nothing and, O God f 
 
 how
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 22J 
 
 how unfpeakably did I perceive thy great- 
 nefs, thou fource of life ! God, all in all ! I 
 prayed with a fervour fo powerful, penetrat- 
 ing, and confiding in God, with fuch a 
 humility, devotion, warmth, and joyfulnefs, 
 that I fancied to be tranflated to a new and 
 better world. Several dolrines and paf- 
 fages of the Gofpel made an inutterable 
 impreflion upon me ; but I was particularly 
 ftruck by the words : in him we live and move, 
 and have our being. Here, here wfyere J am 
 praying, the infinite God is prefent ! My 
 Creator (O, what ftrong and powerful fenfa- 
 tions roufes this word : Creator, within my 
 breaft !) my Creator is here the fpirit of fpi- 
 rits, who lives from eternity to eternity 
 the creator of all the numberlefs worlds- 
 He who converfed with Mofes and Abra- 
 ham, and Ifaiah, with St. Paul, and John, 
 the Father of all He whofe breath I am? 
 
 my
 
 224 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 nl y m y Creator! O! how many thoufand 
 times have I forgot thee (thou Father in 
 
 concealment! Omniprefent ! Invifible! ~ 
 
 My prayers encompaffed all human-kind 
 all the inmates of my houfe, friends, fellow- 
 citizens, enemies, all Chriftians, all the in- 
 habitants of the earth were the objefts of it; 
 I penetrated to the moft diftant feas -into 
 the deepeft mines dungeons I included 
 the whole human race prefent and future 
 times and nations infants in their mothers 
 womb deceafed damned yea Satan 
 himfelf. I prayed for all to the Infinite, who 
 is prefent every where ; prayed with the moft 
 affe&ionate love, and with the deepeft fenfe 
 of my nothingnefs, fliedding a ftream of 
 melting tears of love and joy I fupplicated 
 
 him to have mercy on all in all eternity 
 
 " Thou art love yes, thou art love and 
 " thou haft extended thy mercy to the moft 
 
 " unworthy
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 23^ 
 
 * unworthy of all Father of all ! Creator 
 "of all! Love eternal love! extend foon 
 " thy mercy to all !" This, and far more 
 than I can defcribe, I felt but then I was 
 alfo repeatedly feized with a fecret dread, 
 and an obfcure apprehenfion, that this happy 
 Situation of mind would foon pafs away, and 
 that I mould relapfe again into my former 
 infenfibility. 
 
 This too forced fervent fighs to God from 
 my bofom, and I befought him with tears, 
 always to keep me firm in fentiments, which 
 will enable me to look joyfully back on this 
 hour. I am well aware, that if I mould 
 communicate this happy fituation to any per- 
 fon, the firft word, or the firft look, of him 
 to whom I mould relate it, would not be 
 very propitious to me. That look would, 
 perhaps, accufe me of fanaticifm j I know, 
 however, that my heart and understanding 
 
 VOL. I. Q *
 
 226 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 are equally far remote from fanaticifm. 
 Lively fentiments of truth, or fentiments 
 which the pureft and cooled reafon would 
 find conform to truth, although they fhould 
 not be under our controul, cannot be fanatic 
 or fufpe&ed. 
 
 It is impoflible that I ever could be too 
 humble, or too joyful, when contemplating 
 the infinite love of God. Chrift entertains 
 fuch fentiments towards me, he has done for 
 me things fo infinitely great, that even the 
 moft fervent adoration, and the moft fervent 
 reciprocal love, never can foe compared with 
 it. The cooleft reafon will always find dif-. 
 proportions between the love of Chrift and 
 ours. The chief point is, as far as I can fee 
 in the prefence of God, that our feelings be 
 founded on truth. 
 
 I know the nature of my foul, as little as 
 the manner in which the omniprefent God- 
 head
 
 . SELF-OBSERVER. 2>yj 
 
 liead can influence fpirits. If it be the will 
 of God that I fhall look Upon a fentiment as 
 his immediate Work, he certainly will diftin- 
 guim it fufficiently from all fentiments which 
 may arife in a natural way. Suffice it, that 
 every fentiment conform to truth, which 
 carries me nearer to the connection with 
 God in which Chrift has placed me, muft 
 originate in fome manner or other from God, 
 the fource of all that is good. He alone is 
 the only author of fuch fentiments and I 
 can never perfuade myfelf, that when I am 
 fenfible of my weaknefs, of my nothingnefs, 
 the omniprefence, the all-fufficiency of God, 
 and the infinite mercy of Chrift, when I am 
 fenfible of all this in profound adoration, and 
 amid tears of joy, and feem almoft to be 
 melted by thefe feelings, that this be fanati- 
 cifm, delufion of fancy, or fomething blame- 
 able. During all the time I am indulging 
 Q 2 thefe
 
 lz8 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 thefe feelings, I am in a fituation in which 
 it is impoffible I fhould difpleafe God. I 
 muft only take care not to look upon that 
 happy fituation, as a fymptom of my being 
 in a ftate of grace ; that is, as a proof of my 
 perfonal and conftant capacity to be exalted 
 
 to the heavenly communion with God. 
 
 Although that fituation mould be ever fo 
 good, fo fublime and God-like, yet it would 
 contribute to my condemnation, if it mould 
 not make me more virtuous, honeft, active, 
 and humble in my behaviour, &c. &c. &c. 
 in the fame degree as a virtuous action doe$, 
 indeed, not ceafe being a good deed, al- 
 though I mould again tranfgrefs; but, never- 
 thelefs, is inefficient by itfelfto promote my 
 fatvation, if not new actions, flowing from 
 the pureft fources, conftantly fucceed it. 
 
 I thank God, with fmcere affection, f<?r 
 the unfpeakable mercy he has to-day granted 
 
 to
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 22$ 
 
 to me, the moft unworthy of his fubje&s,and 
 have not the lead doubt that this fenfe, fo 
 conformable to truth, is his work, fbme how 
 or other - 3 I will pray to him to preferve it 
 within my heart, as much as the nature of 
 things will allow, and to render it a new 
 fource of fublime virtues And, in order to 
 Imprint that fituation deeper upon my heart, 
 and to have a livelier fenfe of its contrail 
 with other thoughtlefs and vicious fituations, 
 I will defign a drawing of it, which (hall be 
 a conftant remembrancer to me. 
 
 Q 3 JANUARY
 
 430 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 JANUARY the Twenty-feventh. 
 My Birth-Day. 
 
 Seven o'CIock in the Morning. 
 I KNOW that before the Eternal all days 
 are alike; however, we mortals ought to 
 mark out certain days, and dedicate them, 
 in a particular manner, to certain medita- 
 tions and feelings. The day which reminds 
 us of our birth in fo natural a manner, de- 
 ferves, without doubt, to be celebrated in 
 that moral and chriftian manner. In that 
 light I have viewed it thefe twelve years. It 
 has had long ago fomething very animating 
 and folemn for me. The farther I advanced 
 in life, the more important and folemn it 
 appeared to me. With every return of that 
 
 day
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 2J1 
 
 day I felt, in a more lively manner, the bre- 
 vity and fleetnefs of my life; with every 
 return I learned to know myfelf better ; be- 
 came more fenfible of the high degree of 
 my weaknefs and failings, the depth of my 
 moral corruption, and, at the fame time, of 
 the indifpenfable neceflity of attaining a 
 higher degree pf fanclity ; and yet O ! what, 
 a humiliating and, neverthelefs, but too 
 true idea I always remained the farne to 
 this prefent day, which is my thirty-third 
 birth-day. Thirty-two years of a life, which, 
 at moft, mpy laft feventy $>r eighty years 
 perhaps may clofe to-day Thirty-two years 
 are fled for ever with the prefent day ! My 
 life may laft only a day longer, or be o Mi- 
 tinned to the highcft degree of eighty years; 
 jrej'it is certain, but too certain, that more 
 than a third part of it is irrevocably pail for 
 ever. 
 
 Q 4 And
 
 $Z JOURNAL OF A 
 
 And how quick, how almoft incompre- 
 henfibly quick has it paft away ! Will the 
 days or years, which I yet have to live, pafs 
 away with lefs fleetnefs? Will their duration 
 feem longer to me than the fame number of 
 days and years which I have lived already ? 
 ^-According to my experience and feelings, 
 much quicker and fliorter More occupa- 
 tions, relations, and connexions, &c.&c.&c< 
 will make my future days appear to me 
 fliorter and fleeter than thofe that are pail, 
 On every journey, in every new fituation of 
 life, and in every occupation, I have ob< 
 ferved that the fecond part feemed fliorter 
 to me than the firft, and the third fliorter 
 than the fecond All the young people I 
 interrogate about it tell me, unanimoufly, 
 that every year feems fliorter to them than 
 the preceding one. 
 
 Two-and thirty years ; ftiall I have clofed 
 
 with
 
 SBiP-OBSERVER. 233 
 
 with this day ; two-and-thirty years of a life 
 which has been aJlotted to me, as well on 
 account of myfelf, as with refpeft to another 
 better and longer life; of a life which is 
 nothing elfe but an appreriticeftiip, a time 
 of education and preparation, the feed time 
 for an eternal, endlefs life. Two-and-tl irty 
 years which were to be dedicated to thee my 
 Creator, Father, and Redeemer that is, to 
 my own eternal and true happinefs, and that 
 of my fellow-creatures are now pad away 
 and at laft I muft confefs, voluntarily or 
 not, others may think of me whatever they 
 chufe ; if I will fpeak the truth, I muft 
 confefs with fhame that, at bottom, I am 
 ftill the fame ungodly corrupted being, I am 
 fcnfible I have been in the beginning of my 
 rational life ; the fight of which has made 
 me blufh fo often, has forced fo many bitter 
 tears from my eyes, fo many, and as I flatter 
 
 myfelf,
 
 234 JOURNAL O? A 
 
 myfelf., lincere fighs from my breaft, and 
 which I have bemoaned and detefted fo fre- 
 quently, and fo ftrongly. I will not conceal 
 from myfelf that my character, generally 
 fpeaking, has evidently improved. My ideas 
 have been enlarged in many branches of 
 knowledge the exterior of my deportment 
 may, in general, have a more ferious, fedate, 
 and wife appearance ; I will alfo not con- 
 ceal from myfelf, that within thefe lait nine 
 or ten years, I have done a great deal of 
 good with a laudable intention, and fre- 
 quently with humility and fimplicity, with ' 
 joy and zeal before God through Jefus 
 Chrift. O God ! thefe tears which are flow- 
 ing down my cheeks, are witneiTes of my 
 adoring gratitude for every good and pious 
 fenfation which thou haft worked in me- 
 yet, for all that, I dare not conceal from 
 myfelf, that I am neverthelefs, at bottom,.
 
 SStP-OBSERVER. 
 
 the fame fmful, corrupted, and ungodly 
 being ; thofe fins which arife from my tem- 
 per, weaknefs, lazinefs, fenfuality, are {till 
 in full power, and, at moft, prevented from 
 breaking out openly by external and human 
 political reafons-. Ambition, vanity, anger, 
 falfe ftiame, and frequently (who would 
 think it) a fecret diflionefty, which, however, 
 I am very fenfible of, and rebellion againft 
 the voice of my conscience have ftill a very 
 powerful fvvay over me. 
 
 No ! ye do not occupy and animate my 
 foul ! Days and weeks pafs, while, notwith- 
 ftanding all my endeavours to promote the 
 honour of God, and the happinefs of human 
 fociety I do not continue lor an hour to 
 ieel onlyfuch a real love for God, and my 
 fellow-creatures, as I frequently feel for 
 whole hours and days for my wife, and, at 
 prefent, for my deceafed friend, I am fo 
 
 certain,
 
 2,36 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 certain, and feel it as ftrongly as ever I can 
 feel any thing in the world, that thefe fen- 
 timents are by far not ruling in my foul ; 
 and although the whole world fhould fay 
 that thefe fentiments prevail in my foul, yet 
 my heart does not tell me fo. My heart 
 condemns me ; and the praife of a whole 
 world is nothing to me while my heart con- 
 demns me. I alfo fee, I perceive and know 
 to the higheft degree of certainty, that a re- 
 form of my heart will not be the work of a 
 moment; not of a day, or a week. I am 
 rery fenfible how difficult it is to become 
 mailer of one's paffions, habits, inclinations, 
 r averfions; in fhort, mafter of ones f elf. 
 
 And yet this is the great talk I am charged 
 with j and it muft abfolutely be performed, 
 if my hope of eternal happinefs fliall not be 
 founded on a fandy bottom. If I will be 
 Chrifl's, I muft have crucified the flelh with 
 
 the
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 237 
 
 the affeftions and lufts. O ! my God ! my 
 Creator ! J befeech thec, author of my life, 
 my foul, and of all my abilities 1 Father of 
 Jefus Chrift, who art alfo my Father I pro- 
 ilrate myfelf before thee, befeeching thee to 
 animate my indolent heart on this important 
 and ever memorable day, that I may watch 
 over myfelf with new zeal, and, aflifted by 
 thee, may work my own improvement, and 
 my real and eternal happinefs ! Animate my 
 /oul, that I may love thee, love the* above 
 all things in this world which are dear to 
 me ! that I may love nothing but thee, an/d 
 every thing in thee, and for thy fake I that 
 I may believe thee more than all men ! that 
 I may unite myfelf to thee through Jefus 
 Chrift, thy Son, mod cordially and holy 
 aflifted by the power of thy omniprefent 
 Holy Ghoft, thou fole, eternal, and inex- 
 
 hauftible
 
 238 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 hauftible fource of light, truth, virtue, and 
 eternal life ! 
 
 Thou, O moft merciful being of beings, 
 haft granted me temporal life without my 
 prayers ; ftiouldft thou be able to refufe me 
 the life divine, the life of the foul, confifting 
 in the knowledge of truth, and the pra&ice 
 of virtue if I pray to thee with the moft 
 fervent ardour ? But, alas ! I have already 
 befought thee fo frequently to grant me this 
 prayer, particularly on my birth -day and 
 yet I am ftill the fame ! Alas! all the apart- 
 ments of my houfe, and particularly this 
 fpot, where in thy prefence I now am writ- 
 ing down, with trembling and mame, my 
 feeble fenfations witnefs againft me! how 
 many vows have I made here and there ! 
 and yet, alas ! I am ftill the fame. To-day 
 I muft ftill exclaim and figh with agony and 
 
 fhame
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 
 
 fliame, as I have done five, ten, fifteen years 
 ago : who Jhall deliver me from the body of this 
 
 I feel myfelf weaker than ever ; I know 
 and am very fenfible that I cannot fave my- 
 felf, and yet I mud be faved. Who can 
 fave me, but thou, O Father of my life ? 
 Who can deliver me from the dominion of 
 fin and death, but thou, through Jefus 
 Chrift ? O Father, who haft formed me in 
 my mother's womb, who haft animated me 
 with thy immortal breath O my Father, 
 who haft guided me with unfpeakable love, 
 from the firft moment of my life till now ; 
 dare I doubt that thou wilt grant my prayer, 
 if I implore thee for nothing but faith and 
 love, for nothing but the Holy Ghoft. 
 
 Alas!
 
 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 Six o'Clock, P. M. 
 
 Alas ! the more I reflect upon myfelf, and 
 my life, the more do I perceive how defti- 
 tute I am of the true fentiments of a Chrif- 
 tian! Alas! this day will foon be clofed, 
 and I have not yet been able to commune 
 properly with myfelf and only a few mo- 
 ments are left me which I can devote to 
 ferious meditation. O ! my God ! let not 
 this day pafs away, before I perceive within 
 me a new lively defire of uniting myfelf 
 truly and firmly with thee ; but grant me an 
 animation which exifts not only in my ima- 
 gination and my blood, but takes root in 
 my foul, and extends to the life everlafting. 
 O! Father of my life, who giveft me every 
 breath I draw, give me alfo, through thy 
 omniprefent fpirit, the heavenly flame of the 
 new fpiritual life. Convey me, with thy all- 
 
 powerful
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 14! 
 
 powerful hand, into the kingdom of thy be- 
 loved fon, which is not in word, but in 
 power j which is righteoufnefs, peace, and 
 joy in the Holy Ghoft ! What I have felt but 
 yefterday, is unfpeakable adoration of thy 
 divine majefty and lovelinefs. That far ex- 
 tending fenfation of true fpiritual love, which 
 encompafTes all mankind, O let it not dart 
 tranfitorily through my foul ! let it always 
 animate me to great deeds of felf-denial and 
 charity ! O ! Father ! my life pafles away ! 
 I perceive it ! I thank thee, Father, for this 
 lively, falutary fenfation ! This very fenfa- 
 tion impels me to feek thee, and not to 
 negleft to pray to thee for mercy and really 
 to obtain mercy. 
 
 O my omniprefent God ! how I defire to 
 know thee better, to adore thee better, and 
 to love thee with a more filial affeftion ! how 
 I wim to be more eternally happy in thee, 
 
 VOL. I. R in
 
 242 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 in thee alone ! I with I could enter in a 
 heavenly communion with thee, before this 
 day is paft ! Yes, to-day, O Father of mercy ! 
 alas ! elfe my foul will find no reft. O that 
 this day might become one day of my fpiri- 
 tual regeneration, and the firft day of a new, 
 quite God-like, and heavenly life ! Alas ! 
 why can I not renew the humility and the 
 raptures of adoration which I experienced 
 yefterday ! I will, however, pray to thee as 
 well as I can ; unto every one that ha$ Jkall be 
 given. O Father ! who art above all, and 
 through all, and in us all, who art prefent 
 in thoufand heavens, and in all the number- 
 lefs worlds and funs, diftributing inexhaufti- 
 ble life and happinefs throughout the whole 
 imrnenfe creation, blefling many millions of 
 angels and faints with unfpeakable joys, 
 looking down with mercy upon thoufands 
 of mortals who now are hailing, for the firft 
 
 time,
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 343 
 
 time, the light of this world ; fupporting 
 and relieving with thy omnipotent power, 
 thoufands who now are leaving this world. 
 Yea who fetteft up as a witnefs of thy 
 glory, even the worm creeping on the duft 
 Father of all fpirits ! eternal Father of my 
 fpirit ! grant me this day a penetrating, en- 
 livening look of thy divine, paternal love ! 
 reveal, O reveal thyfelf unto me ! let me 
 tafte the ineftimable happinefs, but let me 
 alfo poflefs it as a conftant property to war- 
 Jhifi thee in fpzrif and truth ! 
 
 Animate, enliven, cherim, and ftrerrgthen 
 my faith in thee, and in Jefus Ghrift whom 
 thou haft fent. 
 
 Behold ! O Lord ! I have taken upon me 
 to fpeak unto thee, who am but duft and 
 afhes O condefcend to return an enfiMf to 
 thy creature, the breath of thy mouth, thy 
 child, to a brother of Jefus Chrift, for whom 
 R 2 Chrift
 
 244 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 Chrift has facrificed his life, to me, who 
 without thee, am an inanimated corpfe ! 
 grant me the fpirit of wifdom and revela- 
 tion, that I may know thee ; enlighten the 
 eyes of my underftanding, that I may know 
 and perceive the greatnefs of my calling, 
 and my deftination ; that I alfo may perceive 
 the love of Chrift, which furpafleS all under- 
 ftanding. 
 
 Yes, Father of my life ! give me the fpirit 
 of faith and love animate me from moment 
 to moment more powerfully, not to relax in 
 the combat of faith, till I have conquered 
 thee by my prayers and tears, like Jacob of 
 old ; till I am entirely devoted to thee, and 
 feel myfelf filled with all the fullnefs of 
 God! 
 
 O ! revive me that I may be powerful and 
 fervent to refufcitate others along with my- 
 felf, and to lead them to the ever blifsful 
 
 communion
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 245 
 
 communion with thee; that every one of 
 my future days be rich in God-like deeds, 
 which bring forth fruit of eternal blifs, 
 through Jefus Chrift, my ever blefled Sa- 
 viour, Amen ! 
 
 Eleven o'CIock at Night. 
 
 Now God be praifed 1 I am going to 
 finifh this day however, I will not finifh 
 it before I have offered to thee thankfgivings 
 for my exiftence, and brought before thee 
 once more the fmcereft prayer for the fpirit 
 of faith, and thy faithful paternal love. 
 I thank thee for the firft and greateft of all 
 thy bleflings for my exiftence y which thou 
 haft given me through Jefus Chrift, which 
 thou haft preferved to this day, and haft pro- 
 mifed to preferve for ever, as long as thou 
 thyfelf malt exift ! 
 
 O ! Father ! give thy blefling, that I may 
 R 3 enjoy
 
 24$ JOURNAL OF A 
 
 enjoy my exiftence for ever in thy commiir 
 nion ! O ! there are moments when I feel 
 with tears of gladnefs the bleffings of my 
 exiftence ; O ! that this happy fenfation 
 might be for ever prefent and active in my 
 mind ! O ! Father ! this too is in thy power ! 
 open my heart for this and other good fenti- 
 ments. Lead me always through thy trutlt 
 to virtue, and through virtue to eternal hap- 
 pinefs. Let me never forget that I exift 
 through thee, in order to be happy with thee 
 for ever, through Jefus Chrift. Amen ! 
 
 I now will go to bed, and raife my heart 
 to thee fome moments longer! Have mercy 
 upon me, and give me the fpifit of faith and 
 love, through Jefus Chrift. Amen ! 
 
 JANUARY
 
 SELF-OBSERVE*. 247 
 
 JANUARY the Twenty-eighth. 
 
 MUCH bu-finefs t much mercy !^I have 
 hardly time to write my journal ; yet I will 
 write down at leaft a few words. Letters 
 to M*. M*** and O*** ten rix dollars for 
 hymn books fealcd up, and fent away. 
 
 The godfon of my dcceafed friend of the 
 choice of a profeflion, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 After dinner a vifit from Mrs. *** (I pro- 
 mifed to recommend her, and wrote inftantly 
 a note for that purpofe), afterwards from 
 Mr. ***, who returned me ten rix dollars 
 which I had lent him, and forgot. I wanted 
 to make him a prefent of the money ; but 
 he refufed to accept it ; " I could make a 
 " better ufe of it !" I was tempted to keep 
 the ten dollars, becaufe I had laid out that 
 R 4 fum
 
 248 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 fum to day. I bluflied. It was as if a mift 
 were rifing up before my eyes. Lord Jefus 
 Chrift ! preferve me againft avarice. 
 
 I hefitated not long! I had no reft till 
 they were difpofed of. God be praifed ! 
 O ! forgive me ! 
 
 I prayed j and then fang a few hymns 
 with my wife ; ate a little too hafty and too 
 much at fupper. 
 
 JANUARY the Twenty-ninth. 
 
 I ROSE at length with more reluftance 
 than I ought to have done. However, I 
 roufed myfelf and prayed; but, alas? not 
 quite without oppofition from my heart ; yet 
 
 I trembled
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 249 
 
 I trembled at it, and began to combat it. I 
 fucceeded, and tears flowed from my eyes 
 tears at my averfion from prayer from 
 prayer ? O, my Creator ! who has poifoned 
 the work of thy hands ? Who has infpired 
 it with averfion from thee, amiable Love ! 
 
 I read to my wife the twenty-fixth chapter 
 of St. Matthew ; and chofe for a fentiment 
 for this day, the words: Watch and pray that 
 ye enter not into temptation-, the fpirit indeed is 
 willing, but thefiejh is weak. Watch. I muft 
 not be indolent and drowfy. The fleep of 
 indolence prevents from praying, and plunges 
 into temptation. I ought to be watchful in 
 every refpeft, and look about me, that no 
 enemy approach me, no angel of Satan in 
 the fhape of an angel of light. 
 
 On a former reading of this chapter, I 
 have made fome obfervations which, being 
 at leifure for half an hour, I will write 
 
 down,
 
 250 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 down, and thus imprint indelibly in my 
 heart. v. 13. Verily I fay wtfo you, wherefo- 
 ever this Gofpel fliall be preached in the whole 
 world, there Jkatt alfo this that this woman has 
 done, be told for a memorial of her. How 
 many pious fentiments, how many chriftian 
 deeds, and how much love may this exam- 
 ple of tenderncfs have occafiohed, in think- 
 ing and feeling minds, during thefe feven- 
 teen hundred years. What a reward to that 
 pious woman, that, by the order of Jefus 
 Chrift, her deed was recorded and made 
 known every where. How much blefling 
 will me reap from it on the day of judg- 
 ment ! Should it be an improper wifh, that 
 my memory might be bleffed in a fimilar 
 manner after my death ? 
 
 This paflage appears alfo to me a very 
 deciding proof, that it was the earned defire 
 of Jefus Ghrift, that the moft remarkable in* 
 
 cidents
 
 SEIF-OBSERVER. 2I 
 
 cidents of his hiftory (hould be made known 
 to pofterity, and fet down in writing, be- 
 caufe written accounts are the fafeft, and 
 mod pofitive. Nay, it appears partly from 
 thefe words of Jefus Chrift, that he has 
 attefted in a particular manner thofe inci- 
 dents which were to be recorded for the 
 benefit of pofterity, that he, at lead, after 
 his refurre6tion, will have reminded his dif- 
 ciples of them in a particular manner, and 
 afterwards imprinted them more ftrongly on 
 their memory through his Holy Ghoft, and 
 aflifted th^m in writing them down more 
 diftinclly than others, 
 
 Moreover is it not remarkable, that the 
 faft fermons almoll every where in chriftian 
 countries, generally begin with the hiftory 
 of the unction of Jefus Chrift, and of courfe 
 the words of Jefus Chrift : Verily I fay unto 
 you, ivherefover this Go/pel Jhall be peached in 
 
 the
 
 2'5fc JOURNAL OF A 
 
 the whole world, there flail alfo this that this 
 woman has done be told for a memorial of her,, 
 are fulfilled in their fulleft fenfe (). 
 
 Woe unto that man by whom the f on of man h 
 betrayed ; if had been good for that man if he 
 had not been born. Dreadful fentence on 
 the unhappy traitor and alfo on me, if I 
 fuffer thy enemies to vilify thy dotrine, thy 
 gofpel ; if I crucify thee, as one may fay, a 
 fecond time, by premeditated fins, which 
 induce others to degrade and to dishonour 
 thy name ! O ! give me the fpirit of fmce- 
 rity, my faithful Redeemer, in order that no 
 
 () Pere the Author certainly has been mi fled by his 
 glowing fancy, which however does honour to his pious 
 difpofition. 
 
 T. 
 
 paflion
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 253 
 
 palfion prevail upon me to commit the lead 
 treachery againft thee f 
 
 Then did they f pit in his face, and buffetted 
 him, and others fmote him with the palms of their 
 hands. Matt. xxvi. v. 67. This is incontefta- 
 ble truth, O my foul ! He who now is fitting 
 on the right hand of God j he whom all the 
 holy angels adore ; he who could fay : Be- 
 hold, at my rebuke, I dry up the fea, I make the 
 rivers a wildernefs ; I clothe the heavens with 
 blacknefs, and make fackcloth their covering (0), 
 fulfills the words of an ancient prophecy : / 
 gave my back to the fmiters, and my cheeks to 
 them that plucked off the hair- t I hid not my face 
 fromfliame and fritting. 
 
 (o) Ifaiah 1. 
 
 He
 
 254 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 He, whofe name is unutterable, differed 
 himfelf to be ill treated in the moil Ihame- 
 ful, agonizing, and difgufting manner, by 
 the meaneft wretches, and he was filent ; no 
 'ray of his omnipotence ftruck his creatures 
 dead. He concealed the power which created 
 worlds. 
 
 What feelings, what combinations of feel- 
 ings, fuffice to adore in a proper manner the 
 greatnefs of that divine virtue? I mould be 
 writing whole days and nights if I were to 
 commit to paper all my feelings (and how 
 weak, how unadequate are they if compared 
 with what they ought to be !) which this fcene 
 has procreated within me 1 - Jefus Chrift ! 
 Lord Jefus Chrift ! let my mind be raifed in 
 adoration to thee -, let me be fenfible of thy 
 prefence when any thing in the world ,mall 
 offer to excite my anger, and to ftir up my 
 pafiions! What an excellent and fimple 
 
 commentary
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 255 
 
 commentary on the command: / fay unto yon, 
 that ye refijl not evil ; but whofoever fiall fmite 
 tkee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other 
 fllft. How mean, how alienated from the 
 ienfe of true greatnefs do aU theie appear to 
 we who can difpute, after the length and 
 the breadth, our duty to interpret this com- 
 mandment literally !- But how mean muft 
 I appear to myfelf, when I confider that I 
 am of that opinion, and yet O J/efus Chrift! 
 how am I covered with ihame ! am fo angry, 
 fo enraged, and fo inclined to revenge, when 
 the fmalleft ofiencc, an acl of imprudence or 
 heedleflhefs, has been committed againft me 
 
 Three o'Clock, Afternoon. 
 It came into my mind to read once more, 
 
 The
 
 2$6 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 The Sentiments of a Chriftian (p). I read this 
 book, without making a Hop, from the de- 
 dication to the Rev. Mr. Sack to the end. 
 What may be the reafon that it now and 
 then affefled me fo little ? How fre- 
 quently, thought I, is imagination miilaken 
 for feeling ! Imagination, which, perhaps, 
 has no other merit but that of combining 
 fafhionable words, and pi&ures of the times, 
 with a few new ideas and half fentences ! 
 This made me tremble at the author, or 
 rather at human nature. If thefe things are 
 done in a green tree, what fliall be done in 
 
 the dry r Do t not confide too much 
 
 in thyfelf, my heart ! Beware of pride j 
 tremble at thy danger. Watch and pray 
 fa} s the fentiment 1 have chofen this day : 
 
 (/) A performance of the celebrated Wieland. 
 
 T. 
 
 that
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 257 
 
 that thou enterejl not into temptation. Let him 
 that thinketh he Jlandeth, take heed left he 
 fall! 
 
 Twelve years ago this celebrated author 
 wrote : " The greateft of thefe favourites of 
 " nature has ftept out of the career ap- 
 " pointed to him, feduced by external cir- 
 " cumftances or pafllons, and an innate in- 
 " clination to e^ceffes, and has lavimed his 
 " genius, his enthufiafm, and the tendernefs 
 " of his feelings, intruded to him for the at- 
 " tainment of great ends, on undefervingob- 
 " jets, yea on chimeras. lam not fpeaking 
 " here on Vy of thofe miferable wretches, who mif- 
 " pend their Jliamelefs wit in celebrating thecoarfefi 
 " and mofl infamous lujls, and thus acquire a 
 " fame, on account of which even Satan him- 
 " fclf will not envy them. I am chiefly fpeak- 
 " ing of the more refined excefles of great 
 '' poets, who have exerted their genius to 
 
 VOL. I. S "the
 
 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " the higheft degree, in order to deify un- 
 " worthy kings, or blooming damfels ; who 
 " have exerted all their power, in order to 
 " intereft our hearts for immoral heroes ; 
 " who, with a mean complacency, have de- 
 " meaned themfelves to celebrate fafliion- 
 " able prejudices, and to exalt as great trea- 
 " fures, and far above their intrinlic value, 
 " power, wealth, beauty, and whatever has 
 " a gloffy outfide, to place thefe things in a 
 " falfe light, &c. &c. &c. Pindar deferves 
 " to be excufed for having employed, from 
 " regard for the religion of his country, his 
 " great genius in beautifying the mytholo- 
 " gy (?) 5 an( ^> t>7 doing fo, he puts to the blufh 
 
 (y) And our Author, a Chriftian, exerts all his wit 
 to paint and to celebrate what would make blufh Pindar, 
 the Heathen, 
 
 L. 
 
 <s many
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 259 
 
 " many poets living among Chriftians, who 
 " have not been tempted by the true, far 
 " more fublime, and interefting revelation 
 " of God, to attempt what Pindar has done 
 ' with refpe& to the traditions of the apa- 
 " ritions of 6dd, and the feats of the demi- 
 " gods.'* ^u-c: 
 
 Twelve years ago, the fame celebrated 
 author wrote : " How little can a great genius 
 " Jhow himfelf in his proper light, if there is no 
 " Jiroportion between his mental powers and his 
 " fttbjeft! What therefore Dial! we think 
 " of the numerous flocks of Anacreontic 
 " bards, who, ever fmce a great wit has 
 " made a but too fuccefsful beginning, 
 " ftrive to proceed in the fame drain, and, 
 " although their performances are far infe- 
 cc rior, in point of beauty, to their original, 
 4< yet furpafs it greatly in wantonnefs and 
 w imprudence? What (hall we think of thofe 
 S 2 " authors
 
 $60 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 " authors who rival la Fontaine in point of 
 " licentioufnefs ; of thofe fanatic adorers of 
 " Bacchus and Venus, whom one, if judg- 
 " ing from their fervent devotion, with which 
 " they adore and celebrate the miferable 
 " idols, mould think to be a band of E/ii- 
 " curean Heathens, who are leagued to ridi- 
 " cule whatever is facred and fublime, and 
 " to extirpate entirely the few religious feel- 
 " ings which are lying dormant in the heart 
 * of heedlefs youth." 
 
 Twelve years ago, the author of The Senti- 
 ments of a Chrijliany of whom religion and vir- 
 tue fo juftly entertained great expectations, 
 wrote : " O ! how long mall we tamely fuf- 
 " fer fuch nonfenfe to creep about among 
 " Chriftians ? Nay, what is ftill more abo- 
 " minable, that it be publickly taught and 
 " defended amongft them? Or is it pardon- 
 " able to be indulgent to thefe preachers of 
 
 " lewdnefs
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 261 
 
 " lewdnefs and wickednefs, becaufe they 
 " are witty? In my opinion, every body who 
 " does not think it an honour to be indif- 
 " ferent to religion, ought to prefer a thou- 
 " fand times the worft ancient and modern 
 <* church hymns to the moft charming fong 
 of Utz." 
 
 And now this rigid cenfor of illicentiouf- 
 nefs writes Agathons, Comic Tales, Afufarions, 
 
 &c. &c. &c. O that I could know the 
 
 fecret turn of his foul, and learn, by the fall 
 of great genius, to ftand without falling my- 
 felf. O God ! who art his and my creator ! 
 thou canft not difapprove it, if I bend my 
 face before thee for one who is a mortal, 
 and deftined for immortality like myfelf, 
 and pray to thee, with filent fighs, to have 
 mercy on a foul which has alienated itfelf 
 from thee, and which reminds me not to 
 wander from thee. Father ! nothing is impof- 
 S 3 jble
 
 a6a JOURNAL OF A 
 
 ftbk with thee ! thou canft reclaim that man 
 who once could fay : '" I call to witnefs the 
 " ftars, and the immortal fpirits, and fay : 
 " If ever I alienate myjelf from thee> who haft 
 " created me. a rational and immortal' being,, if 
 " ever / ceafe to obey thee cheerfully, then, ye 
 " ftars! conceal your face from me> and ye fera- 
 " phim ! pronounce my heavenly name no more!" 
 - - - . _ . > . . . 
 
 The prefent day was, thank God ! one of 
 the bell of this month ! How tranquil, how 
 ferene do I now lay down my pen and my 
 body before thee, O ! my God, and Father ! 
 
 
 JANUARY
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 263 
 
 JANUARY the Thirtieth. 
 
 I AROSE in good time; prayed with 
 fincere devotion ; and read with pleafure 
 my rules, and the twenty-feventh chapter of 
 St. Matthew. Dreadful were the fufferings 
 which the Lamb of God bore with divine 
 patience, meeknefs, and love! How little 
 attention do we pay to them ! how little 
 time do we dedicate to the contemplation of 
 the crofs of Jefus Chrift ! There we ought 
 to learn, amongft many other things, to 
 brook and to fcorn derifion. This is indeed 
 the moft difficult facrifice which my ambi- 
 tion ever can offer ; however, I cannot re- 
 fufe it to him who did not open his lips! 
 
 I chofe to-day, for a fubjeft of my ferious 
 meditations, the impenetrable words: My 
 God! my God! why haft thou forfakcn me? 
 
 84 1 now
 
 264 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 I now began to work; wrote letters to 
 N***, and to my brother; G. H. L- M. P, 
 came to beg me to give him a letter of re- 
 commendation I faid, " I rather would 
 " give money," and, indeed, fo it is ; it is 
 very difagreeable to diret letters of recom- 
 mendation to people, who are not fo ge- 
 nerous either to make fome allowance, or 
 to be charitable without recommendation. 
 I pitied the honeft man. I was more firmly 
 convinced of his honefty than I could ex- 
 peel:, or promife to convince any body elfe. 
 Why then did fuch a ftruggle arife in my 
 breaft ? Such a fecret ftrife to conceal from 
 myfelf, that I could and ought to aflift him 
 myfelf ? I had indeed not fufficient money 
 to do it immediately ; however, different 
 means which would make it eafier and pof- 
 fible came to my mind, nay, even forced 
 themfelves upon me. Books, trinkets, plate; 
 
 things
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 265 
 
 things which during the whole year I never 
 made ufe of, or at moft only once, and then 
 without any reafonable view. How many 
 things had I, therefore, by the fale of which 
 I could extricate the honeft man from his 
 great difficulty ! if I were only inclined to do 
 it! ! Thus I fuddenly thought by myfelf, and 
 God worked in me both to will and to do ; 
 " Come again to-morrow ; you Jliall find ajjift- 
 " ance!" O! how happy I was when I had 
 pronounced thefe words ! I was certainly 
 happier than the honeft man when he left 
 me, how great foever his fatisfaftion fcemed 
 to be. I took all my money; changed fome 
 old dollars, in order to make up the whole 
 fum ; put the money in a paper, and font it 
 without delay to the place of its deitina- 
 tion . 
 
 I read
 
 266 JOURNAL OP A 
 
 Seven o'Clock in the Evening. 
 I read Bafedow's Addrefs to the Friends of 
 Mankind. A great and ufeful idea ! I ad- 
 mire the man ! How honeft, how wife, how 
 ative, how bold and enterpriling ! It is 
 true his theology pleafes me not quite, al- 
 though I have derived from it many im- 
 portant inftru&ions, and moft inftru&ing 
 hints. I cannot help loving that man ; he 
 inveftigates acutely; he thinks for himfelf, 
 and is no blind follower of others, as fo 
 many are ; he errs! fo I think however, 
 he is a mortal like myfelf, although more 
 learned and virtuous than I am. God blefs 
 him ! and guide his foul to the fanftuary of 
 truth ; my foul too, guide, O my God \ to 
 truth through thy word and fpirit His great 
 plan may fucceed or mifcarry, yet the bare 
 idea of undertaking a matter of fuch im- 
 portance
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 267 
 
 portance deferves a monument. But what 
 will a monument benefit him ? Blefs thou 
 him, beft of Fathers, and pave through him 
 a more open and beaten path for better 
 
 knowledge and truth. After fupper 
 
 we fang a few evening hymns at the harpfi- 
 cbord. 
 
 JANUARY the Thirty-firft. 
 
 I ROSE again later than I ought to have 
 done j prayed with little attention till the 
 thought ftruck me, that it was the loft day of 
 the month, I read the rules, and the lad 
 chapter of St. Matthew -, chufing for a fen- 
 timent for this day the words; Go ye there- 
 
 fore
 
 268 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 fore find teach all nations ; teaching them to tb- 
 ferve all things. Whatsoever I have commanded 
 you, and lo ! I am with you already, even unto 
 the end of the world. 
 
 Thefe words of Chrift are the fimple key 
 to all moral and religious laws of our Saviour : 
 all nations fhould become difciples of Jefus 
 Chrift; all mould keep all what the Lord has 
 commanded his apoftles, &c. &c. &c. - - 
 
 Five o'Clock, Afternoon. 
 
 O ! Is then alfo the laft day of this firft 
 month arrived ? I will in this ftill evening- 
 hour fum up the moral accounts of my heart, 
 and perufe my journal from the firft day of 
 this year to the prefent hour. 
 
 O!
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 269 
 
 After Six o'CIock. 
 
 O ! my God ! how much has happened 
 within this month ! My friend ! my friend I 
 I have loft thee, and half and whole days 
 are part, without my is it poflible ? having 
 thought a little, or at all of him ? I blufh 
 at myfelf I have reafon to with, that the 
 deceafed may know nothing of it becaufe 
 I was capable of forgetting him for whole 
 days, fo frequently, and fo foon. 
 
 Indeed I do not know where I mall begin 
 to accufe and to reproach myfelf! 
 
 How dreadfully inconftant and inconfi- 
 deratc have I been ! how fhamefully unlike 
 myfelf! 
 
 How many good, excellent, and fweet 
 hours! But, O God! how many have I 
 mifpcnt, in an indolent, thoughtlefs man- 
 ner, with talking, gaping, trifling, and 
 
 fleeping !
 
 70 JOURNAL OP A 
 
 fleeping! And my drawings! how can I 
 look at them ? how compare them with 
 each other ? A powerful warning ! O that I 
 always might liften to it ! No ! nothing can 
 humble my heart more, than this lamentable 
 Incoriftancy ! 
 
 Here, on my knees yonder, fnoring in 
 my bed, when I ought to have been awake, 
 praying and working. 
 
 "Here, by the death-bed of an excellent 
 friend yonder, an idle hour under the hands 
 of the hair-dreffer before the looking-glafs 
 at a dinner in the fledge. 
 
 Here, at the coffin of a deceafed friend, 
 pronouncing facred vows Yonder, angry 
 at a trifle, in/ane I mould fay V. A. T. H. 
 D. G. No ! I will write it plainly without 
 ciphers, that I may eafily notice it in run- 
 ning over my journal BEAST ! fo I have 
 called a fellow-creature, a fellow-chriftian I 
 
 how
 
 SBLF-OBSERVER. 2JI 
 
 how abominable does it appear to myfelf 
 now ! The tongue with which I have 
 prayed at the death-bed, at the coffin, when 
 going to reft, and rifing that very tongue 
 has called a fellow-creature, made after the 
 image of God, a BEAST! I am afraid of 
 myfelf j I dare not open my lips, not lift up 
 my eyes ! yi<\ h\ 
 
 It is true I have during this month learnt, 
 taught, and done much good j have been 
 blefled with many pious, fincere, humane 
 fentiments, and difplayed them in an art- 
 lefs manner ! I have inferted almoft all of 
 them ; but not all thofe of which I ought 
 to be aihamed before God, and my con- 
 fcience. 
 
 Many a thought of which perhaps my 
 moft inveterate enemy would not fufpeft 
 me, has darted through my foul ; it is true, 
 I abominated them very foon but, never- 
 
 thelefs,
 
 272- JOURNAL OF A 
 
 helefs, they make me fenfible with terror, 
 how impure and muddy the bottom of my 
 heart ftill is. 
 
 My rules?- Alas how feldom have I pe~ 
 rufed them, and taken in confideration, as 
 I had determined to do ! How readily did I 
 forget them 1 How many a time did I fling 
 back, and endeavoured to find pretexts when 
 it was neceffary to take them into conildera- 
 tion, as I ought to hare done. 
 
 How feldom did I mark, at the clofe of 
 the day, the number of thofe which I had 
 not performed carefully ! How much more 
 frequently could I, particularly in the day 
 time, have prayed and communicated confi- 
 dently with God ! 
 
 Works of love and charity; It is true I 
 have performed fome and more than for- 
 merly in two months however, I ought to 
 have performed fome of them with a better 
 
 and
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 273 
 
 and purer heart I ought, in genera), to 
 have done a greater number. I could 
 have performed it. Perhaps I have per- 
 formed more than other people who are 
 thought generous ; I have, however, cer- 
 tainly not performed fo many as I ought to 
 have done, and was able to do. 
 
 To my wife I behaved with tendernefs ; 
 yet I could have been God knows how 
 much more ufeful to her. I do not know 
 why I have fo rarely converfed with her, who 
 liftens fo eagerly to every good word, on our 
 mutual important concerns. I fear a finful 
 commodioufnefs has been the reafon of it. 
 
 I think, in general, that I am not yet on 
 a truly chriftian footing with my wife. There 
 \vere hours when I, or rather whenjfo was; 
 however, that true intimacy, that mutual 
 concern for one and the fame great object, 
 is not yet fufficiently eafy and natural to us. 
 
 VOL. I. T The
 
 174 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 The duty but this word, if addrefled by 
 a friend to his moft intimate confidant, is too 
 hard the pleafure of inftrufting and en- 
 lightening her, of clearing up, of combining, 
 and giving her ideas a certain felf-confiftent 
 ftability, appears to me not rarely too trou- 
 blefome curfed indolence! muft I repeat 
 again and not lefs curfedfondnefsfor drier- 
 fans : ye, ye are the foes of my virtue, and 
 my peace of mind. 
 
 But what do I call diver/ion ? Whatever 
 makes me lofe fight of, or obfcures the end 
 of my exiftence and life ; whatever prevents 
 me from acting, fpeaking, and thinking, in 
 a manner confonant with my deftination, and 
 from performing the firft and molt indifpen- 
 fable duties. The moft ferious matters, per- 
 haps, may become diverfions for me, and 
 thofe which appear moft indifferent are, per- 
 haps, not fo. O, my heart ! be honeft in 
 
 fmgling
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 275 
 
 fmgling out whatever makes me lofe fight of 
 the great end for which thou art defigned. 
 
 Learn to direft towards that end, and to 
 ufe conformable to it, the moft common and 
 indifferent things, and even what concerns 
 only thy body, or thy external profperityj at 
 the fame time do not fuifer the reading of 
 the nioft ferious books, nor the moft virtuous 
 deeds, to make thee lofe fight of it, or to 
 interrupt thy attention to thyfelf 5 for then 
 onfyj and only while thou art obferving thy- 
 felf, and the turn of thy ideas and feelings, 
 while thou art fenfible of thy deftiny, only 
 while thou art communicating with, and 
 paying attention to thyfelf, only then thou 
 wilt be able to pay a fincere and fixed re- 
 gard to the great end of thy exiften.ce. O, 
 my heart ! I know thou wilt underftand this 
 language, if thou art inclined to do it do 
 not think of objeclions, but how thou wilt 
 obey! 
 
 T 2 O Lord !
 
 276 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 O Lord! keep my fpirit in proper bounds; 
 let my defires be fubje6t to reafon, and all my 
 actions to my confcience, enlightened by thy 
 word and fpirit ! Thy omniprefent providence 
 reprefent to mine eyes every day clearly, and 
 from all fides, the great truth : that I have 
 been placed in this world, not merely on my 
 own account, but rather for the fake of 
 others, and for the voluntary performance of 
 thy will ; that I, neither in a lefler nor a 
 higher degree belong to myfelf, but that I 
 am entirely and folely thy property ; that all 
 my abilities, all my property, my fortune, and 
 every moment of my time, belong to thee y 
 that I can be at eafe and happy in the world 
 hereafter, only through thee, with thee, and 
 in thee. While thou art the author of my 
 life, and I am thy creature, it will ever be 
 the unalterable nature of things, that I can- 
 not be content and happy but through thee, 
 
 and in thee. 
 
 But
 
 SJtLF-OBSERVER. 277 
 
 After Supper, Ten o'CIock. 
 
 But I muft not forget, O my faithful God! 
 to recall to my mind in a lively manner, be- 
 fore I go to relt the laft time in this month, 
 all the important and particular favours 
 which thou haft (hewn, me in the courfe of 
 this firft month of the year, and to give vent 
 to fentiments of joy and gratitude. 
 
 On running over my journal, I find, be- 
 fides numberlefs general benefaiions, which 
 I owe to thy paternal mercy and goodnefs, 
 every day particular and diftinguiihing proofs 
 of thy indefatigable and tender mercy. How 
 many admonitions! how many feelings I how 
 many opportunities of doing good aftions ! 
 how many inftruclions, fo particularly ufeful 
 and neceflary to me ! how much forbear- 
 ance with regard to my tranfgreflions ! how 
 much light and encouragement, in particular 
 
 fituations
 
 278 JOURNAL OF A 
 
 fituations and temptations, have I found In 
 thy word ! how many opportunities of get- 
 ting a better knowledge of myfelf! how 
 many improvements in the knowledge of 
 religion ! and thou, death-bed of my deceafed 
 friend ! how beneficial haft thou proved to 
 rae w hat a durable advantage for my heart 
 if it will make a proper ufe of thee ! even 
 my faults and errors haft thou rendered be- 
 neficial to me. 
 
 Uatan, or myfelf, frequently thought evil 
 againft me; but thou haft turned it into good. 
 How falutary were, under the guidance of 
 thy grace, the mortifications, the reflexions, 
 prayers, and tears, which my errors gave rife 
 to And what excellent fentiments haft thou 
 revived within me but a few days fince ! - - 
 
 Thanks, fincere thanks to thee for this and 
 all other evident and ineftimable favours 
 
 which
 
 SELF-OBSERVER. 279 
 
 which thou haft beftowed upon me, and 
 extended to my family, and my friends ! 
 Thou doeft exceeding abundantly above all 
 what we afk, or think. 
 
 O ! grant me the blefling that I may forget 
 thy benefactions as little as my own exift- 
 ence ; that my heart may be drawn more 
 powerfully towards thee ; that my confidence 
 and my rejoicing in thee, may acquire, from 
 day to day, more firmnefs, a6tivity, and do- 
 minion over me ! I cannot lay myfelf down 
 to reft, till I feel renewed and lively in my 
 heart, the refolution to devote the following 
 month more faithfully to thee ; to penetrate 
 deeper into the communion with thee ; to 
 watch more carefully over myfelf; to exer- 
 cife myfelf with more fmcerity in the moft 
 manly felf-denial ; to become more fenfible 
 of my mortality and immortality ; to keep 
 more firmly and fincerely to the Gofpel, and 
 
 to
 
 280 JOURNAL, &c. 
 
 to weigh every thing on the balance of Reve- 
 lation and Deatji, as this fkull, which is Hand- 
 ing on the table, reminds me now.- Yes ! 
 henceforward henceforward (I vow it to 
 thee, my dmniprefent, invifible Father, in 
 this fil.ent hour of wife and tranquil medita- 
 tion) henceforward I will endeavour to exer- 
 cife myfelf daily, to weigh all my actions, 
 words, thoughts, and wifhes on the balance 
 of Scripture and Death. Thou who heareft 
 my vows, hear alfo my fmcere wifhes to 
 fulfil them r 
 
 END OF THE FIRST VOLUME,
 
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