v<* 
 
 l; 

 
 LIBRARY 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF 
 CALIFORNIA 
 
 SAN DIEGO i
 
 MONOLOGUES
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 BY 
 
 BEATRICE HERFORD 
 
 WITH PICTURES BY 
 
 OLIVER HERFORD 
 
 CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS 
 NEW YORK - - - 1908
 
 COPYRIGHT. 1907, 1808, BV 
 
 BEATRICE BROOKE HAYWARO 
 
 PUBLISHED MAY, 19O8 
 
 All acting rights, both professional and 
 amateur, reserved by Beatrice B. Hay- 
 ward. Performances forbidden and right 
 of representation reserved. Any infringe- 
 ment will be prosecuted by the author in 
 accordance with Section 4966, United 
 States Revised Statutes, title 60, chapter 
 3, which imposes damages of not less than 
 one hundred dollars for the first and fifty 
 dollars for every subsequent performance, 
 or if the performance is wilful and for 
 profit, imprisonment for a period not ex- 
 ceeding one year. Application for right of 
 performance must be made to the author.
 
 S. W. H.
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER PAGE 
 
 I. A SOCIABLE SEAMSTRESS 3 
 
 II. THE BAZAAR 27 
 
 III. A LADY PACKING 49 
 
 IV. PIAZZA LADIES 71 
 
 V. THE COUNTRY STORE 97 
 
 VI. A PROFESSIONAL BOARDER 121
 
 PICTURES 
 
 PAGE 
 
 "Preserve me from fitting one of those old god- 
 desses again" 9 
 
 "You can't tell which way that child's going" . . 15 
 
 "Now, there's just one place here" 19 
 
 "The waitresses are all in Greek costume" ... 31 
 
 " Yes, it would be lovely for ferns " 35 
 
 "Don't you want to count this for us?" .... 41 
 
 "Do you think this lace blobbs out too much?" . 51 
 
 "You're simply covered! I always say she doesn't 
 
 brush under there, and now I know" ... 57 
 
 "Now, how can a train get part way and then 
 
 change to Monday?" 65
 
 PICTURES 
 
 PAGE 
 
 "I'm perfectly sure of it, it used to be as dark as 
 
 mine" 77 
 
 "If you can tell me what she sees in that young 
 
 man, I wish you would" 83 
 
 "Well, perhaps that old lady don't wish to be 
 
 rocked" 87 
 
 "He's acquainted to all the houses, and he gets 
 
 talkin' to the folks" 101 
 
 "I never seen him, but I hear he left on Tuesday" in 
 
 "I guess that's from Abbie Morris. I didn't know 
 
 she'd gone away" 117 
 
 "Where my sister boards she says the table's 
 
 splendid" 127 
 
 "My brother's children are dreadful" . . . .131 
 
 "But he shut the door right in their faces I 
 
 thought it was awfully rude" 135
 
 I 
 
 A SOCIABLE SEAMSTRESS
 
 A SOCIABLE SEAMSTRESS 
 
 JJORNING-dull day, ain't 
 it ? Don't know as it'll act- 
 ually rain, but I brought 
 my umbrella in case it 
 ! should. (Drops her um- 
 brella and picks it up.} That's all right, 
 no harm done - these ivory handles do 
 break so! Pretty handle, ain't it? I 
 don't care for it myself - I like a good 
 round handle that you can get a grip on 
 myself - but my husband took a fancy 
 to that ivory monkey, and of course being 
 a birthday present I wouldn't say any- 
 thing and didn't. 
 
 3
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 I'll just lay off my things. (Unbuttons 
 long cloak and takes it off, also gloves, 
 hat and veil.) Those the goods you've 
 got to trim with ? Ain't very pretty, are 
 they ? Maybe they'll make up pretty - 
 we'll see; and I don't believe there'll be 
 enough either - but you can run right 
 down and get some more, if there ain't. 
 (Folding up her veil.} They get so 
 mussy if you don't fold 'em up. 
 
 Did I leave my apron ? Oh, yes, there 
 it is -- don't look very good - kind of 
 mussy, but no matter. Now I'll go right 
 to work on the skirt - we got on so nicely 
 with it the other day - maybe I can 
 finish it right up. Needle and thread ? 
 (Bites off thread and threads needle.} 
 Why, there's my thimble! (Goes to work 
 at the skirt on her knee.} 
 4
 
 A SOCIABLE SEAMSTRESS 
 
 My goodness! these goods are going 
 to fray dreadfully ! What say ? They 
 told you they wouldn't at the store ? I 
 know, that's what they always say. My 
 
 niece is in a dry-goods store. 
 
 Yes, the one that had her finger taken off 
 
 last year. Yes, indeed, she 
 
 misses it considerably; but she says they 
 go on that principle. The manager of 
 her store, he says it's no good telling 
 any one the worst. But she ain't like 
 that at home - she's brought right up to 
 the truth, the whole family are - they're 
 just as nice as they can be. 
 
 Of course I go down there as often as 
 I can - but I can't go down as often as 
 she'd like. She says "come down Mon- 
 day." I says Monday's an inconvenient 
 night for me. She says " how's Friday ? " 
 5
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 I says Friday I can't come down. So 
 she says "come down some Sunday." 
 Well, I says Sunday my sister and her 
 husband usually come up. He's kind of 
 tired the first part of the day, but the 
 last of the afternoon he gets spirited up, 
 and then they come up our way. And 
 I'm real glad to have 'em. She says 
 "come when you can." I says I will 
 and do. She's real nice. 
 
 She tells me Mrs. Tyler's daughter 
 never'll be any better. - Why, 
 
 you know Mis' J. S. Tyler, up on the 
 hill - - yes, that one. She's got a lot of 
 daughters and they're all at some art or 
 other. And this one - of all things - 
 she's taken up sculpturing! As I told 
 her mother, it ain't no thing for her to 
 
 do - I presume it takes a master hand to 
 6
 
 A SOCIABLE SEAMSTRESS 
 
 handle one of those marble figures, but 
 she would do it. She's undertaken a 
 great big one - and she's broken right 
 down under it. 
 
 For my part I ain't partial to statuary 
 - of course I know it's a beautiful gift - 
 kep' in the garden - - that's the place for 
 it. When you once begin bringing those 
 marble figures into the house, there's no 
 end to it. I think there's nothing pleas- 
 anter or more appropriate than to come 
 around a low bush or shrub right into 
 the presence of one of those figures. 
 There's some folks I presume no amount 
 of book study will bring to a realizing sense 
 of those ancient gems, but brought up sud- 
 den with 'em that way you never forget it. 
 
 I don't go as far as my sister does - 
 she wouldn't have one for anything! 
 7
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 Well, they did have one, now I come to 
 think of it. They didn't mean to, but if 
 I recollect rightly they got it in a lottery 
 at a fair - and when they put in their 
 money they thought they was putting it 
 in for a pair of those life-size stuffed 
 owls on a frosted ground, but when it 
 come home it was this figure of a - 
 (bites off thread) well, I shouldn't call 
 her a lady, myself. 
 
 But, as I told my husband, those old 
 goddesses were brought up quite differ- 
 ent from what we are -* and there's no 
 good making a fuss about it now and I 
 wouldn't be the one to begin. 
 
 But sister felt terribly about it and 
 she's very handy with her needle, and 
 you know I am - so I went down there 
 
 one day and together we rigged her up 
 8
 
 "Preserve me from fitting one of those old goddesses again."
 
 A SOCIABLE SEAMSTRESS 
 
 a real neat kind of a tea-gown. But 
 preserve me from fitting one of those 
 old goddesses again. My goodness -fit! 
 there ain't no fit to it. 
 
 Your folks all well ? What say ? 
 Who ? Your brother - my goodness! 
 You don't say down all those stairs ? 
 Must be considerable of a bump. 
 Back stairs ? My, I always think they're 
 the worst. I heard of a boy the other 
 day just about the age of your brother, 
 similar case - back stairs and all. 
 What say ? Oh, I ain't going to tell you 
 about it - it'll only discourage you. 
 
 Getting on nicely, is he ? I'm glad of 
 that - that's what they thought about this 
 boy, but he's never been the same since. 
 Some say he never was the same before, 
 I don't know how that is. Did you 
 
 ii
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 ever try a fish poultice ? Never did ? 
 Yes, indeed, it's fine for anything with the 
 head - you see my husband being in the 
 fire department, we're quite up in bumps. 
 Yes, indeed, it's a grand profession! 
 but it takes a sight of courage. When he 
 went into it he said, " I shall have to take 
 courage," and has. And he's very brave 
 about it - although I think he goes too 
 high. I said to him the other night, I 
 says, ain't three or four stories high 
 enough for you to go with a wife and 
 children ? But he didn't answer. I says 
 I sha'n't ask again, and didn't. It is 
 wearing, too, the way that man's hair 
 has come out the last year! My good- 
 ness, it's awful to see. Of course, I don't 
 feel like bothering him about it too much, 
 but I feel I must speak about it from 
 
 12
 
 A SOCIABLE SEAMSTRESS 
 
 time to time. So I said to him, I says, 
 Mr. Mooney, do give it a chance, try a 
 little of Dr. Higgins's Hair Enticer. But 
 he didn't answer. As I say, he's taken 
 that way sometimes. I presume he gets 
 it from his father, and I concluded to 
 stop urging, and have. 
 
 But my goodness, I ain't got no cause 
 to complain he's real good. Now, if 
 he was like my sister's husband! I don't 
 know what I should do. Yes, stingy- 
 well, stingy ain't in it! He's awful, but 
 she gets along nicely, better than a good 
 many would. She's so handy with her 
 needle makes the children's clothes 
 and all that. Of course, they don't 
 always look just right, but still. - 
 Now she's just made her little boy his first 
 little pair. Well, of course, it's a beau- 
 13
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 tiful spirit, but my goodness you can't 
 tell which way that child's going. 
 
 She's very handy with her paint-brush, 
 too, didn't you know that ? Yes, in- 
 deed - she's got a complete command 
 over the paint-brush that few have. 
 She's just finished an elegant flower 
 piece. I never saw anything like it, 
 it has the image of most every flower I 
 ever saw or heard of - and more too. I 
 said to her when she was all through 
 she always wants me to look it over 
 I says, well, I think it's lovely but there's 
 only one thing: I never saw a blue tulip. 
 Well, says she, I never did either, but it 
 looked so nice in with those peonies and 
 other things so I thought I'd leave it, 
 'cause you never can tell what they have 
 in Europe. Well, I says, that's per- 
 14
 
 "You can't tell which way that child's going."
 
 A SOCIABLE SEAMSTRESS 
 
 fectly true and I'd leave it 'cause that 
 dew-drop on it is going ahead of Nature. 
 It had a glisten to it that you don't often 
 see on a real dew-drop. 
 
 Now I'm going to drape this on you if 
 you'll stand up. That's a nice skirt 
 you're taking off, I hope this one will 
 hang as well. (Hands the skirt and takes 
 the other, laying it over the back of a 
 chair.} Look out for your hair! No, 
 it's that second hook - no, the second. 
 Don't bust it out now it's only basted. 
 Now if you'll just step off and I'll get 
 some pins. (Gathers up some pins from 
 the table, puts them in her mouth and in 
 the front of her dress.} 
 
 That's right. Step off a little more, 
 please, and turn slowly - keep turning - 
 round to the left - no, to the left. (Stands 
 17
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 off with her head on one side looking at 
 the skirt.) Mrs. Billman's little girl's 
 
 real pretty, have you seen her ? 
 
 Whose eyes ? She's got one of father's 
 and one of mother's. Yes they's real 
 pleased. Yes, they've named her - 
 'Manda, sweet name, ain't it? Middle 
 name ? No, well his folks were set on 
 one, but her folks didn't want it, and 
 they'd have these fearful arguments about 
 it -they go down there Sundays; so 
 finally they've made a compromise and 
 put in an initial. She'll be Amanda G. 
 Billman. It looks well and it's pleasant 
 all round. And if they think of any- 
 thing to go with the G. after a while, 
 they can put it in. That dips a little 
 bit on that side. (Takes pins from her 
 mouth and pins round the band.) Now, 
 18
 
 "Now, there's just one place here."
 
 A SOCIABLE SEAMSTRESS 
 
 there's just one place here. - (Puts a 
 pin in and starts suddenly.) Was that 
 you? Well, I'm real sorry -you must 
 tell me when I prick you. Now that's 
 going to look real nice - what say ? No, 
 my dear, you couldn't have that a mite 
 fuller. I'm skimped as it is - that's what 
 comes of being stingy with the goods. 
 
 Now you can slip that off, and I'm 
 going to run over to my sister's to lunch. 
 Oh, you're very kind - but I'd 
 rather go over there because I want to 
 see her new house - she's got most 
 settled and it's going to be real nice. 
 She's got some elegant wedding gifts. 
 (Taking up her cloak and putting it on.} 
 Some things, of course, I don't care for 
 myself -still it ain't my house, so it ain't 
 for me to say. She's got a good many 
 
 21
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 duplicates and that's always awkward. 
 (Puts on her bat.} I should think they've 
 got as many as six inkstands and they 
 ain't a writin' family at all. But I pre- 
 sume they'll use some of 'em for standin' 
 flowers in - you can do that. Did I have 
 a veil ? They blow round so - oh, here 
 it is. That's all right. (Puts on veil - 
 looks for her gloves, takes them from cloak 
 pocket and puts them on.} 
 
 But she's got two things I do admire. 
 They're a pair of mantel ornaments that 
 beat anything I ever saw - a pair of those 
 china dogs taken as young spaniels in 
 opposite directions. There's one taken 
 this way, looking off, with the spaniel 
 ear falling in repose and touched with 
 orange, and the other one the same, 
 looking the other way those rich 
 
 22
 
 A SOCIABLE SEAMSTRESS 
 
 spanielled ears. Then they have those 
 gold chains and lockets around the neck 
 just nestling in the fur they look so 
 neat on a dog. Well, I think they're 
 quite exceptional in every way they 
 have a far-away-off look in the eyes, too, 
 that they don't often catch in china. 
 My umbrella, I mustn't drop it this time. 
 (Takes up umbrella.} And then their 
 tails, well, I didn't go around to the back, 
 but I presume they're there and touched 
 with orange. Well, I must run, I'll see 
 you later.
 
 THE BAZAAR
 
 II 
 
 THE BAZAAR 
 
 (Scene: The Fancy Table) 
 
 OW do you do ? I hope 
 you're going to buy lots 
 of things. - - Oh, you 
 
 don't want men's things, 
 you want things to give to 
 ladies. Now here's a lovely sachet-bag, 
 isn't that sweet ? - - No, of course 
 
 you wouldn't know what to do with it, 
 but you can give it to your mother or 
 Ida. - - Oh, what an unnatural 
 
 brother! - It's only two dollars. - 
 You mean thing! Now, here's an awfully 
 
 pretty pen-wiper - - you don't ? Why, I 
 
 27
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 couldn't get along without a pen-wiper. 
 Yes, you might as well take 
 the sachet-bag - - oh, that's good. Two 
 dollars more, Ethel. Now you have got 
 started, you're all right. Don't you want 
 a sofa pillow ? - - Well, you are very 
 lucky, we never have too many. 
 
 Yes, that's very pretty, isn't it ? - 
 Well it would do for either. - You 
 will ? Oh, that's fine! They are so hard 
 to get rid of. They are the sort of thing 
 nobody wants. 
 
 Have you seen these pictures of the 
 Rector ? The frames are really very 
 handsome, and you can put another 
 picture in if you like. 
 
 How do you do ? How are you get- 
 ting on ? Oh, that's good. We're 
 
 doing very well; all those ugly baby 
 
 28
 
 THE BAZAAR 
 
 jackets have gone, except that fearful 
 purple-and-red one, and I think Mrs. 
 Tucker will take that, she's rather blind 
 you know. 
 
 Well, have you found anything else 
 you like ? How about a paper-cutter ? 
 - Well, you can't have too many 
 paper-cutters, can you ? I think these 
 are very cunning things, so odd, such a 
 good idea. - - Oh, they are just meat 
 skewers gilded and a bow tied on them 
 - don't you know, when things get 
 stuck in anything and you want some- 
 thing sharp pointed, they're called poker- 
 etts. - - Oh, you're hopeless. I am 
 sure your mother would be delighted 
 with them. 
 
 Too bad she couldn't have the auto- 
 graph-book table. Have you seen it ? 
 29
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 They've got a great lot of books. I 
 sent twelve copies of the "Tormentor" 
 to Richard Haverley to write his name 
 in, I mean her - it's a woman, you know. 
 I heard she was sick in bed and I thought 
 it would amuse him to pass the time 
 writing in them. Now don't you want 
 this afghan ? I know your mother likes 
 green, it's really awfully cheap for ten 
 dollars.- -Now, that's fine! What 
 
 a lovely new ten-dollar bill! Thanks 
 ever so much. Yes, that's all right. 
 Don't you want me to wrap them up 
 for you ? - - Oh, you are ? All right - 
 yes, I'm glad, I hate doing up bundles. 
 Good-by. 
 
 Ethel, look, he took that awful afghan 
 of Mrs. Harris's. Won't she be de- 
 lighted ? 
 
 30
 
 "The waitresses are all in Greek costume."
 
 THE BAZAAR 
 
 No, the cake and candy table is 'way 
 over there next to the lemonade. I think 
 that lemonade pump is the most splendid 
 idea, the little boys are all crazy about it. 
 Oh, Mrs. Brown, how much do you 
 think I ought to mark this for ? - 
 Yes, it has just come, I don't know what 
 it's for, but it's rather pretty and it looks 
 very useful - - no, Edith made it. 
 She said she had the velvet and the se- 
 quins and her mother gave her the lace. 
 What do you think ? two dollars and 
 a half? All right. 
 
 Hello, Jessie, pretty bazaar, isn't it ? 
 Have you been to the tea garden yet ? 
 It's awfully pretty - - no, thanks, I 
 can't leave now, you ought to see it 
 though, it's great, the waitresses are all 
 in Greek costumes. They look so lovely, 
 33
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 but poor Miss Hibley has spilt salad 
 down the front of hers - such a pretty 
 idea - lobster - - oh, they've tried it, it 
 only rubs it in. 
 
 Oh, Mrs. Tucker, there you are.- 
 Yes, there's just one left, pretty little 
 jacket, isn't it ? - - Yes, it's rather 
 bright but it seems warm, doesn't it ? - 
 
 - How old ? - - Well, if it's little 
 it will grow into it, and if it's big they 
 
 pull over somehow, don't they ? 
 
 Thank you. Now, is there anything else 
 you'd like ? Did you see this rustic 
 stove ? It's so original, you put pots of 
 flowers in the holes and then some kind 
 of a vine in the back and twine it up the 
 pipe. - - I don't know where it was 
 made. Mrs. Dale sent them, she's very 
 much interested in that kind of thing 
 34
 
 " Yes, it would be lovely for ferns.
 
 THE BAZAAR 
 
 this is the only one that's left. Mrs. 
 Baker took one, she's crazy about it. 
 
 - Yes, it would be lovely for ferns. 
 
 - Oh, yes, I can do it up nicely in 
 some tissue paper, I can put it in a box. 
 
 - Yes, it's two seventy-five. I'll 
 put the jacket right in the stove - 
 there, now that'll be very easy to carry, 
 the stove is very light. - - Thank you 
 ever so much. - -Yes, that's your change. 
 
 - Who ? - - Young Mrs. Fry ? Yes, 
 she's on the kitchen table, she's in a 
 cook's costume, it suits her splendidly 
 
 - well, you know what I mean. 
 Tommy Hooper! You boys must not 
 run against this table like that. Dorothy, 
 don't touch those frames, darling, your 
 fingers are so sticky - - they are two dol- 
 lars - - no, I don't think I've got any- 
 37
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 thing for ten cents. - - No, that 
 necklace is three dollars. Don't touch 
 it - - no, we haven't any necklaces 
 for ten cents. Now, Tommy, you've 
 knocked down that picture, don't pick it 
 up, you'll get it covered with candy. 
 Dorothy, you've got a piece of peanut brit- 
 tle right in your hair, - - I don't know, 
 we haven't counted lately. - - I say 
 I don't know, we haven't counted. Now 
 run away, you can get a grab for ten 
 cents, Dorothy. 
 
 We might count the money again, 
 Ethel, there must be a lot more by this 
 time. You count the silver, and I'll 
 count the bills - - well, you count 
 the bills, then, and I'll count the silver. 
 We shall have to have a bigger box soon. 
 Goodness! There is hardly any change! 
 38
 
 THE BAZAAR 
 
 What has happened ? There was such a 
 lot. - - Of course, it's in the bills. 
 But it never seems the same, does it ? 
 Well, here's a dollar eighty and I owe the 
 box fifty-seven cents, I'll call it sixty, it 
 will be easier to add. (Counts.) Sixty and 
 a dollar eighty are what ? Two sixty ? 
 No, two thirty! - - You're sure it's 
 two forty ? - - All right, now how many 
 bills have you got ? - - Why, my 
 
 dear, there must be more than that, 
 we had eighty-five dollars ever so long 
 ago, and I sold that rustic stove since 
 then, and those baby jackets, and heaps 
 of things, and that awful afghan. Let 
 me count; ten and ten is twenty, and five is 
 twenty-five, and ten is - - well, I guess 
 I'll count all the tens first and then the 
 fives - - please don't talk to me. - 
 
 39
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 Oh, there comes Captain Carter, make 
 him buy that sofa pillow - - tell him 
 Miss Farley made it. (Goes on count- 
 ing.) - Ethel, I've got too much 
 
 now. We couldn't have had a hundred 
 and fifty dollars, could we ? - - Oh, 
 Captain Carter, are you good at count- 
 ing? Don't you want to count this for 
 us ? Oh, thanks ever so much - 
 
 - don't talk to him while he is 
 counting - - don't you hate to be talked 
 to when you're counting? I do, I can't 
 count very well anyway and if any one 
 talks to me - - oh, excuse me, I'm 
 awfully sorry. - - Didn't you skip 
 then ? Weren't there two fives sticking 
 together there ? I thought I saw - 
 no, I see - - all right, don't let me inter- 
 rupt you. - - Have you been 
 40
 
 Don't you want to count this for us?"
 
 THE BAZAAR 
 
 to see the vaudeville yet ? - - - Oh, ex- 
 cuse me! I was afraid you hadn't heard 
 about it. They say it's very good. - 
 You make it a hundred and thirty, do 
 you ? I should think it was all right, 
 don't you, Ethel ? That's fine, oh, no, we 
 don't want to count it. I guess that's all 
 right, thank you ever so much, you've 
 been so good we won't make you buy a 
 thing. 
 
 Oh, do you really want that sofa pillow ? 
 -Yes, we can add five dollars to 
 thirty all right. - - Oh, yes, we've 
 been awfully busy. - - Yes, Mrs. 
 Harris and Miss Newton are on this 
 table too, but it's rather hard on us, they 
 keep going off to have their fortunes told 
 or have some ice cream, and we have to 
 do all the work. - - Why, we would 
 
 43
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 simply love to, Captain Carter, but we 
 can't leave now, you see. 
 
 Those are fifty cents - - yes, they 
 are very pretty, aren't they? Those are 
 a dollar fifty. - - Yes, for the pair. 
 - Ethel, how much is this squash-pie 
 pincushion ? - - Oh, yes, three dol- 
 lars, you can use it for a paper-weight 
 too. Yes, I think those candlesticks are 
 very pretty. Did you see that little 
 racing-car saltcellar ? That ought to 
 appeal to you. - - Oh, yes, I for- 
 got, they have all gone; it's too bad, they 
 were awfully cunning. Mrs. Hibbard 
 sent those, she sent the racing-cars and 
 those copies of "The Simple Life" too. 
 She said if the racing-cars weren't sold, 
 she wanted them all back, I don't think 
 she cared about the other things. 
 
 44
 
 THE BAZAAR 
 
 Well! -Did you ever know anything 
 like those people ? They never bought a 
 thing, they are as bad as Kitty Morrison. 
 - Why, you know, Captain Car- 
 ter, she's so stingy she won't buy anything, 
 so she comes with a lot of packages 
 all done up and every one who isn't on 
 to it, thinks she's bought a lot of things. 
 
 Oh, Mrs. Harris, are you going to stay 
 here ? Because we've been invited to go 
 and have some ice cream. There's the 
 money-box, and there isn't much change, 
 but you can often make people take a 
 few more things to make their money 
 come out even. And Mrs. Richards 
 owes two dollars for the things she got, 
 so if she comes you will know, and you'd 
 better mark down anything you think 
 you can sell. There are more of those 
 45
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 tomato paper-weights under there if you 
 want them. They aren't marked, they're 
 two dollars. And Mrs. Allen says those 
 plush thermometers are accurate. And 
 if Mrs. Williams comes, tell her I've put 
 her baby jacket in the pulpit, with her 
 cake and rubbers. 
 
 4 6
 
 Ill 
 
 A LADY PACKING
 
 Ill 
 
 A LADY PACKING 
 
 (An elderly English lady packing her trunk. Her 
 niece is helping her.} 
 
 OW my dear, we really must 
 get this box done. I sha'n't 
 feel comfortable till I'm 
 packed. We will put every- 
 thing on the bed first, and 
 then we shall know where we are. 
 
 Oh! first I want you to tell me about 
 these caps, some one else can often judge 
 better. I will just put it on. -- What do 
 you think ? Do you think this lace 
 blobbs out too much ? - - Yes I thought 
 so, but I don't know, I think I can stand 
 
 49
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 it. Would you move the bow ? 
 Round to the back ? - - Oh, no! Not to 
 the back, if I moved it at all, it would be 
 the slightest bit to the left. That's all 
 about that one. 
 
 Now there's this one: what do you 
 think ? I want you to tell me just what 
 you think, do try and express an opinion. 
 Is it just a little too, - - a little too dressy ? 
 
 - with both the gold walnut and the 
 geraniums ? - - Yes, I know, that's 
 what you always say, but I can't wear 
 black velvet all the time, I must have a 
 change - - What do you say ? No, I 
 never saw a gold walnut, any more than 
 you did, but it's a very good one and you 
 wouldn't like a raw one on a cap!- 
 Yes, my dear, I shall leave those gera- 
 niums, I must have some color. I should 
 50
 
 "Do you think this lace blobbs out too much?"
 
 A LADY PACKING 
 
 think I have had those geraniums on one 
 thing and another for twenty-five years. 
 
 - What do you say ? - - You should 
 think it was time what ? I wish you 
 would finish your sentences, it is a very 
 rude trick you have. Now what do you 
 think about this one ? Do you think 
 that hangs down too much ? - - Yes, I 
 thought so, but I don't think I should 
 like it any shorter. 
 
 Now the next thing is - - shall I take 
 all three ? -- Oh! I must have that one! 
 
 No, I can't do without that either, 
 
 - - it isn't a quesiton of those two, it's 
 just a matter of all three. What do you 
 think ? I can't need them all three. - 
 
 Do you think so too ? Yes, I think 
 
 you are quite right still - - perhaps 
 
 it's safest, it can't do any harm at any 
 
 53
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 rate. - - Yes, I had better take all 
 three. Thank you, dear, you are a great 
 help! 
 
 Now, we mustn't dawdle, we must get 
 the things in. We can put them in quite 
 loosely, there is plenty of room. - 
 Yes, my dear, I've been in this box be- 
 fore, I know there is. 
 
 Now there's the bell! Well, I can't see 
 any one. Would you just see who it is, 
 please ? I can't see any one - - unless 
 it's one of them. (Mumbles to herself, 
 moving about the room. The niece re- 
 turns.} 
 
 Come, come, my dear, we shall never 
 
 get done if we don't keep at it. Did 
 
 I ? - - So I did. Oh, I beg your par- 
 don. Well, who was it ? - - Now, my 
 dear, that is stupid, I would have seen her! 
 54
 
 A LADY PACKING 
 
 - Well, that's what I meant when I 
 said I wouldn't see any one. - - Well, 
 never mind, I dare say you did your best. 
 Now, I want you to put everything in, 
 it does make one's back ache so bending 
 over. 
 
 Put the boots in first, we will lay a 
 foundation of boots. Let me see, I must 
 give you these, and I will put on the old 
 ones. Wait a minute, I had better just 
 find the old ones first. Oh, dear! Where 
 are they ? I expect they have got behind 
 something, how tiresome of them! I 
 dare say they have got under here, I'm 
 afraid you'll have to go under. - 
 Well, I am very sorry, my dear, I would 
 go under myself, if I were ten years 
 younger. - - What do you say ? - - 
 Well, my dear, say you don't want to go, 
 55
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 but don't say they are not there. Look 
 out for your head ! - - Are they there ? 
 
 - Will you have a candle - - or an 
 umbrella ? - - Well, it is very strange, 
 
 - I'm sure I could find them. - 
 Well, if you're quite sure, - - of course, 
 you have the advantage of me, being 
 under. - - You had better come out, 
 
 - come, dear, come out if you are 
 coming! - - Oh, my dear girl! You 
 are a sight! You're simply covered! 
 Well, I'm glad you've been under though. 
 I always say she doesn't brush under 
 there, and now I know. 
 
 Well, I shall have to put these in after- 
 ward, they are old ones and they will 
 turn up at the end. 
 
 Now let me see what I can be doing, 
 I don't want to bend over, but I like just 
 56
 
 ; You're simply covered! I always say she doesn't brush 
 under there, and now I know."
 
 A LADY PACKING 
 
 to be doing something. Oh, I know, I 
 will write a label, and then that will be 
 all ready. (Sits down at the table.} Now, 
 whatever is the name of that little sta- 
 tion we get out at - - the one that's just 
 near. You must know the little sta- 
 tion quite a little one.- -Oh, dear! 
 You ought to know. - - What do you 
 say ? - - I shouldn't ask you if I could. 
 It's quite a little place - - you know. 
 - They know the station-master so 
 well, his wife is their cook - - made such 
 good soups out of nothing - - you must 
 remember. - - I always thought you had 
 a better memory than I had, but you 
 don't seem to have any lately. It is 
 rather a pretty little station - - has the 
 name done in pink shells in a bed at one 
 side. - - No, I know, but I thought that 
 59
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 if you would try to see it as it looks, you 
 might. (Closes her eyes.} Can't you see 
 them ? The kind they do fish in. You 
 know, they had it the first night we were 
 there, and poor Maria choaked so - - I 
 wish she would have it looked at, I am 
 sure there is something wrong, the slight- 
 est crumb does it - - it begins with G - - 
 
 Cooling Gullborough - - Garnley 
 
 What? That's it! Hillside! I knew it 
 was something like that. Oh, what a re- 
 lief! You must really try to cultivate 
 your memory though. It's a good plan 
 to learn some short passage every day. 
 
 Now, what about these vases ? We 
 had better settle about these at once, 
 stupid things to ask one to bring. I 
 told her I was very glad to take them 
 for her, but I didn't want to. What 
 60
 
 A LADY PACKING 
 
 do you say to putting each one in a 
 pair of stockings ? - - In what ? - - Oh, 
 no! I sha'n't do that! I did that once 
 before. - - I was in a hurry, and Mary 
 was helping me, and she said, "Put 
 it in your body." It was one I was going 
 to wear, when I got there, I wore it the 
 first night - - it was a lamp chimney, 
 and I had to throw the whole thing 
 away - - I couldn't get the pieces out. 
 I thought they were out I wore it at 
 dinner the first night, and I felt this 
 pricking sensation - - I had to ask 
 them to excuse me and go and take it 
 off. I had to throw the whole thing 
 away, I couldn't get the pieces out, it's 
 very aggravating to lose your body like 
 that when the rest is quite good - - of 
 course I had the bones, but still - -. 
 61
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 Now, by the way, what am I taking ? 
 I had better know what I am taking. 
 
 - Let me see I shall have the 
 
 black on, and then if I take the alpaca 
 
 and the good silk . Yes, my dear, 
 
 I am going to take that good silk. You 
 know, dear, when I got it, I hardly wore 
 it, it was so nice - - and then they said 
 it was getting old-fashioned and so I had 
 it done up, and then it was as good as 
 new, so I have rather kept it. But now 
 I am determined to get the wear out 
 of it. 
 
 Now I expect you are tired, dear, - - 
 well, we will keep on until it's done. 
 
 I think I will just try to find the train 
 now, while you keep on, because that is so 
 difficult, and then it will be over. 
 
 Now, where is that Bradshaw ? I think 
 
 62
 
 A LADY PACKING 
 
 you had it, my dear. - -Oh, so I did! 
 Here it is. Now then - - Hillside, 542. 
 Oh, dear! It's got a star! You know 
 that one we took to go to Brighton 
 the other day had a star, and we 
 
 had such difficulty. Hillside - -. 
 
 Now there's no star here! They really 
 ought to stick to one thing or the 
 other - - Now let me see - 
 
 Charing Cross - - Waterloo Cannon 
 Street London Bridge!- -How can 
 it go from all those at once! - - What ? 
 
 - Oh, I see - - But it doesn't say 
 which one is best for me. - - Which ? 
 
 - Charing Cross ? Oh, all right, dear, 
 it makes no difference to me, those big 
 stations are all just as muddling. 
 
 Now here's a good one, eleven-forty, 
 - eleven-forty-eight - - twelve-two 
 63
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 twelve-eighteen twelve - 
 
 Now my dear, it doesn't get there! A 
 great pity too, they ought to let that one 
 get there, it's such a good one. Now let 
 me see, what is the next ? Twelve- 
 twelve - - now, why do they put it 
 twice over like that ? - - Oh, yes, of 
 course - ~ twelve minutes past twelve. 
 Well, now that goes part way down, and 
 then it's Mondays only. Now, how can 
 a train get part way and then change to 
 Monday? Supposing it was Friday 
 - would it be the Monday following, 
 or the - -. Well, I shall just have to 
 look at the arrivals, I must get there at 
 any rate, whatever happens. 
 
 Let me see, it's so hard to look across 
 
 quickly, four-twenty that's a nice 
 
 one, just in time for tea. Now, what time 
 6 4
 
 "Now, how can a train get part way and then change to Monday?"
 
 A LADY PACKING 
 
 does it start ? I will work back - 
 four-twelve - - four-three - - three- 
 fifty-one - - three why, it doesn't 
 
 start! You see those that go don't get 
 there, and those that get there, don't - 
 
 -. Well, really I give it up, you 
 will have to see when you have finished, 
 if you can find one that goes and gets 
 there both, I can't. 
 
 Dear me, I feel quite exhausted, I will 
 just go and get a bite of something, and 
 you keep on. But don't lock the box. 
 You see it's only Tuesday, and I don't go 
 till Saturday. 
 
 67
 
 IV 
 PIAZZA LADIES
 
 IV 
 PIAZZA LADIES 
 
 (Comes on to the piazza, yawning. Pushes a chair 
 forward and talks, leaning on the back of zV.) 
 
 ELL, 
 
 how 
 
 Mrs. Upton, 
 many afghans have you 
 knitted since lunch ? - 
 Oh, I don't pretend to be 
 anything else. I'm just like 
 a child - if you want me to be good- 
 tempered you must let me have my nap 
 every day. Especially after a lunch like 
 that!- -Wasn't it?- -Well I wish 
 you would; I've made up my mind sev- 
 eral times to speak to her. Now she has 
 nothing to do but to see to the comfort of 
 71
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 the people in this house, and it isn't as 
 if they were all tough - now those the 
 other day were very good - so it shows 
 they can when they like. 
 
 There's only two weeks more anyway! 
 I shall have to be looking after my winter 
 clothes just as soon as I get back. Who 
 
 do you have ? Do you ? Did she 
 
 make that you've got on ? - - Is that 
 so? Well, I suppose you wouldn't trust 
 
 her with anything nice! No, I 
 
 have a Miss Harkins, she's real nice. 
 The beauty of her is - - she's slow but 
 
 she fits elegantly! No, I send it up 
 
 to her. Yes, isn't it a comfort ? It takes 
 my appetite away to have some one sitting 
 there eating and saying nothing. 
 
 Gladys, you are not to do that. 
 
 Because! Do you hear what I say? 
 72
 
 PIAZZA LADIES 
 
 When Mamma says "because" she means 
 it. - - 1 can't make that child mind a 
 bit-- 1 might as well give it right up. 
 And that new nurse I've got, hasn't much 
 control over her. 
 
 Do you have trouble getting girls ? - 
 Is that so ? - - Well, I wish I hadn't 
 
 I had six cooks the three weeks 
 
 before I left the city! And, as I say, 
 that nurse, she isn't very satisfac- 
 tory. I wanted her to do waiting, and 
 anything like that if the parlor girl was 
 away. I told her what I'd require of 
 her - cleaning the silver, dressing the 
 salad - 1 like a nice polish on it, and all 
 that - and she said " I don't care to go 
 so deep into waiting." 
 
 But those cooks were the worst! We 
 thought we were going to take a cottage 
 73
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 then; one of them wouldn't go because 
 she'd heard the bathing wasn't good, and 
 the other was learning to wheel, and some 
 one told her the roads were bad. I 
 never knew anything like it, and I shall 
 have to get a new waitress when I get 
 back. 
 
 Girls are so inconsiderate; you do for 
 them all the time, and they won't put 
 themselves out at all for you. Now that 
 waitress I had last fall - -- Yes, 
 wasn't she ? Well, you can't go by looks. 
 She was all right when she came, then 
 she developed this terrible toothache, and 
 I got her some "pain-killer." I was ex- 
 pecting company, I couldn't have her 
 going to the dentist's then. - - Don't you 
 know, they always come back with them 
 all out and look so awful at the table, 
 74
 
 PIAZZA LADIES 
 
 and then her mother died ! I was having 
 that large lunch Why, Mrs. Up- 
 ton, I did! I sent it I wrote all the 
 addresses myself. Well, you were on the 
 list why, I can show you - no, I tore 
 it up -well. You know me well enough. 
 It's absurd, we won't say anything more 
 about it. 
 
 Well, the lunch was on Tuesday, and 
 I had asked her if she thought her mother 
 was likely to get worse or anything, and 
 she said - - or else I misunderstood 
 her, but I thought she said - - they 
 thought she'd get better. If it had been 
 Wednesday! Well, as I told her, she 
 
 couldn't do anything of course I 
 
 was sorry for her - - and then the ice 
 cream didn't come! It did seem as if 
 everything was against me. 
 75
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 Gladys, stop kissing that dog! I don't 
 want you to give it another kiss - - well 
 
 - just one, behind the ear, but not on 
 the mouth! - - Why, it's that Mrs. 
 Carter's dog that sits at your table. 
 
 Don't you know her? Oh, you do! 
 
 - is she ? Pleasant is she ? - 
 
 Oh, nothing, nothing. I - - yes, I used 
 to know her - - run away, Gladys! 
 (Bending over.} I don't know as I ought 
 to speak of it. (Whispers.} You see it 
 
 isn't as if (Whispers again.} And 
 
 then the way she - - (Whispers.} Oh, my 
 dear, I'm perfectly sure of it, it used to 
 be as dark as mine! 
 
 (Turns suddenly.} Oh, good-morning! 
 We were - just - talking about you. What 
 a lovely day it is! Have you been in 
 
 to-day ? - - Was it ? Now, that's 
 
 76
 
 " I'm perfectly sure of it, it used to be as dark as mine!"
 
 PIAZZA LADIES 
 
 what I told Gladys! the water was cold! 
 I didn't want she should go in, but she 
 would do it. I think that's the cutest 
 bathing suit of yours! I don't see how 
 you thought of it! I'll tell you who has 
 a pretty suit, that's that Miss - 
 what is her name ? No, she doesn't go 
 into the water. How homely that gray 
 suit is! - - Your sister? - - Oh, no, 
 I know your sister, oh, I didn't mean 
 
 that one that brownish gray - 
 
 - Oh, I wish I could! I used to 
 bathe, but since I've had this heart 
 trouble and then I have these terrible 
 headaches. Now, the other afternoon 
 
 - you see I can't plan for anything - 
 
 I wanted to go with that party to the 
 
 Golden Cascade they say it's elegant 
 
 - - but my head was splitting, it's twenty 
 
 79
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 feet wide and covered with golden moss, 
 so you can imagine I didn't feel much 
 like it. 
 
 Why don't you bring up a chair and 
 join us? Oh, don't go; must you? 
 
 - Oh, are you ? Well, you've got a 
 treat before you. Good-by. ! 
 
 Do you suppose she heard ? 
 
 Well, how loud were we talking, not any 
 
 louder than we often talk. Well, I 
 
 don't care if she did. Isn't she! 
 
 - Why, there's no fit to the back 
 at all! Where did she say she was 
 going ? Oh, yes, to see those pict- 
 ures. We ought to go to see those. 
 
 - - Why, yes, don't you know ? that 
 young arsist is exhibiting them in the 
 parlors of the Mashersquammit House. 
 
 He sits at our table. I think he will be 
 
 80
 
 PIAZZA LADIES 
 
 a great artist some day - - I never saw 
 any one eat so much melon! He's real 
 ambitious. I think it's awfully interest- 
 ing to sit right at the table with artists 
 like that, see them eat and everything. 
 He has very high ideals, he says he wants 
 to paint the seven largest landscapes in 
 the world. I hope he will. 
 
 I want a landscape ever so much. 
 But I would just as soon have a small 
 picture. I want one to go over where the 
 water leaked through in my sitting room. 
 I wanted one of those portraits by that 
 
 - there's another name gone. - 
 You know - - he paints such elegant 
 satin, and then he will have lace on it, 
 and I don't see how they get that real 
 look of the satin - showing through the 
 
 holes of the lace. 
 
 81
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 But he charges so much! Five hun- 
 dred dollars a figure! I don't know but 
 what a child would be less, or two children 
 come to the same, but I know that's his 
 price for adults. But those artists are 
 so grasping - - why I'm sure the can- 
 vas can't cost much - - - and the paint 
 
 . Well, they talk about the profit 
 
 on automobiles! I went to see him about 
 painting mother, we thought we would 
 have her painted - -- I really didn't 
 feel as though we could pay that for 
 mother.- -Yes, my husband's mother. 
 So I told him she always wears a long 
 shawl - - you know - - he wouldn't have 
 to paint her arms, I thought maybe he'd 
 take them off, but oh, no! And I was 
 perfectly willing she should sit side 
 
 face it's quite customary to her to sit 
 
 82
 
 "If you can tell me what she sees in that young man, I wish you would."
 
 PIAZZA LADIES 
 
 that way. But he wouldn't hear of any 
 reduction, so I sent him a little note, per- 
 fectly polite note, of course, saying we 
 were going away and shouldn't have it 
 done that spring. 
 
 There! There goes one of those Rem- 
 son girls - - do you like that hat ? That 
 parrot's wing and those bluets, and 
 that orange chiffon and violets! Well, 
 that's it it's too much. If it didn't 
 have that red bow. Well, if you can 
 tell me what she sees in that young man, 
 I wish you would. - - Is that so ? - 
 Well they say they are not - - well, her 
 mother is coming down next week. - 
 Oh, yes indeed, I believe in chaperons. 
 Gladys will always have a chaperon. 
 
 I guess they haven't one in the parlor 
 now, did you ever hear such a noise ? 
 85
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 Oh, it's that Mr. Edwards. He's going 
 round getting up a concert, I guess 
 they're practising for it. He's going to 
 try and get that Miss Wadley to sing - 
 I don't believe he will have much trouble, 
 do you ? 
 
 And that young lady that sits over 
 there by the window is going to recite. 
 - Who said so ? - - - Oh, no, 
 she's a professional, look at her hair! 
 They say she does Shakespeare charac- 
 ters finely. I presume she alters them 
 for the parlor. She can do two charac- 
 ters right together - - I've never seen 
 her, it's only what I've heard. Now, 
 she'll take Romeo and Juliet for in- 
 stance, and she has this drapery, and she 
 stands one way and she's Juliet, and then 
 
 with a sweep of the arm she turns the 
 
 86
 
 "Well, perhaps that old lady don't wish to be rocked."
 
 PIAZZA LADIES 
 
 other way and she's Romeo, it must be 
 lovely. 
 
 Gladys, come off the back of that 
 chair! Come right here to me. - 
 Well, perhaps that old lady don't wish 
 to be rocked. 
 
 I love reciting, don't you ? I heard a 
 little girl recite the other day - - won- 
 derfully. What was the name of the 
 piece? It was something like "Saved 
 on the Track" - no, that wasn't it. Well, 
 anyway there was this engine, and the 
 child leaped no, the engineer leaped 
 
 - no, the mother. - - Well anyway 
 somebody leaped, and it was very im- 
 pressive! - - No, she's not going 
 on the stage at all; she's just a private 
 child. 
 
 Gladys! Gladys! That child's never 
 89
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 around when you want her. Oh, there's 
 Dicky Prescott, I'll ask him. Dicky 
 Prescott! Dicky! Isn't he sweet ? I think 
 he's the dearest little boy in the hotel. 
 Darling, don't you want to go and find 
 Gladys for me - - You don't ? Why, I 
 
 should think you'd love to! All 
 
 right, no matter, I don't want you to. I 
 
 wouldn't have you for anything. 
 
 Why, Dicky, you mustn't answer like that 
 
 - why, that's rude. Take that stick 
 away! Stop! Why you're a rude little 
 boy! Isn't he awful ? I think he's horrid, 
 I always did. 
 
 There's Gladys, thank goodness she's 
 not like that. Come here, dear. Come 
 here, Gladys, come right to me ! Do you 
 know if the train is in yet ? Oh, yes, 
 
 it is, there's Papa now. - - No, Gladys, 
 90
 
 PIAZZA LADIES 
 
 you're not to run and meet him. Come 
 
 back! Gladys, Glad , well! The 
 
 gentlemen are so hot when they come 
 home and she hangs on to them so. Of 
 course they say they like it and then 
 she thinks she'll get candy. I wish she 
 wouldn't eat so much, but she will. 
 
 Now, who's that with Mr. Springer? 
 It's my brother! No, it's not it's - 
 yes! Well, don't speak to me! No, it's 
 not that one - - worse, my dear. You 
 know I told you about them busi- 
 ness, my dear, business. Thank good- 
 ness, his wife's not here! (Gets up 
 smiling.) How do you do! I'm real 
 glad to see you! But where is Mrs. 
 Fowler ? - - Is that so ? Well that's too 
 bad, she'll have to come another time. 
 Don't you think it's pretty here ? - 
 91
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 Do you think so ? Why, we think there 
 are so few. But they don't bite me any- 
 way, so I don't care. I don't need to 
 ask if it's been hot in the city to-day! 
 - Oh, you look all right! But Mr. 
 Springer always comes home a perfect 
 sight - would you believe that collar had 
 ever had any starch in it ? And you 
 didn't get your hair cut! Isn't he awful ? 
 And you didn't bring that basket of 
 fruit! I've been looking forward to it 
 all day. Oh, did you mail that letter I 
 gave you ? You did ? Oh, what shall 
 I do? He's awful about letters, he 
 never mails them and I forgot to put 
 the sample in and I counted on his 
 not mailing it you see you can't count 
 on him at all. Isn't he terrible ? I 
 
 hope you're not like that, Mr. Fowler. 
 92
 
 PIAZZA LADIES 
 
 Oh, excuse me - Mrs. Upton, you've 
 heard me speak of Mr. and Mrs. Fowler 
 
 - Mrs. Upton - Mr. Fowler, Mr. Fowler 
 
 - Mrs. Upton. (Turns to Mr. Springer.} 
 Well, is there any news ? Don't sit 
 
 down! There isn't time you've got 
 to go and dress for dinner. - - You're 
 tired ? Tired ? Just sitting in that office 
 all day! - Tired! Well, I wish you'd 
 just stay at home with me one day, and 
 you'd know what tired meant. Gladys, 
 give that ear-trumpet back to Mrs. Rem- 
 son, my dear! 
 
 93
 
 V 
 THE COUNTRY STORE
 
 THE COUNTRY STORE 
 
 OOD mornin', Miss Cum- 
 mins - - Yes, ain't 
 it cloudy? But I think 
 likely it will fair away, it's 
 looked so dreadful dark all 
 the forenoon, I was 'most afraid it was 
 settin' right in for a rain. - - Yes, we 
 have had a sight of bad weather lately. 
 I think along the first of the summer it 
 didn't seem to be so bad, but I was sayin' 
 to my sister this mornin' it seems to me 
 we've had day after day of real bad 
 weather.- -Oh! yes indeed, that is 
 awful, and you can't do anythin' for it. 
 97
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 My cousin had it, she suffered for years 
 but she couldn't do nothin' for it, and 
 I've had a good deal of it myself. There's 
 things you can do, but it ain't lastin'. 
 
 You did ? Yes ? Well, I never heard 
 
 of that, I presume it's very good. 
 
 It wasn't? It didn't? No, 
 
 that's so. - - You did ? Well, I've 
 heard of that and they say it's very - - 
 
 It wasn't ? - - It didn't ? No, 
 
 it's just as I say, there's nothin' lastin'. 
 They say sweet things is awful bad for 
 it, but now I ain't great for sweet things. 
 I don't make no use of sugar in my tea 
 or coffee. 
 
 Well, there's nothin' else you's wantin', 
 
 Miss Cummins, was there? If those 
 
 buttons ain't a match you can bring 'em 
 
 back and I'll change 'em if they ain't 
 
 98
 
 THE COUNTRY STORE 
 
 off the card. - - Yes that's a nice but- 
 ton. It's more serviceable than a bone 
 would be, and yet it ain't so heavy as a 
 
 cloth button. It's a real neat button. 
 
 - Yes, it's a lady-like button. 
 
 I give your mail to the Jones boy to 
 carry up, Mr. Atkins. There was a 
 postal card from Sarah and two papers. 
 - No, we ain't got that. We 
 never carried it, but we will have it. I 
 guess we'll have it by the end of next 
 week, or the first part of the week after. 
 There's so many of them cereals, I think 
 if you kep' all of 'em some one would 
 come in and ask for a different kind. 
 
 - I don't think they amount to much 
 anyway. - - I think the reason folks like 
 the taste of 'em is 'cause there ain't no 
 taste to 'em. 
 
 99
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 I sha'n't be able to send your goods 
 around till late in the afternoon. You 
 see, we ain't got no boy yet. Abel Innes 
 does considerable for us, but he can't do 
 nothin' till school lets out, and he don't 
 
 get around very smart he ain't real 
 
 brisk and then he's acquainted to 
 
 all the houses, and he gets talkin' with 
 the folks. Now yesterday I sent him 
 with a basket of goods to Miss Parker's 
 and I wanted he should come right back 
 and carry over some linseed meal to Miss 
 
 Allen's folks. They was waitin' for 
 
 it to poultice her aunt. I don't know as 
 you know how sick she's been. She and 
 her sister expected to go away last Sat- 
 urday. The doctor wanted she should 
 wait over a few days. Her sister's had a 
 real hard cold, she can't seem to get rid 
 
 100
 
 "He's acquainted to all the houses, and he gets talkin' with the folks."
 
 THE COUNTRY STORE 
 
 of it, and he wanted they should wait 
 until the open cars was taken off. Some 
 folks can throw off anythin' like that real 
 easy, but she ain't strong anyway. So 
 when he got to Miss Parker's he says she 
 was tryin' to get her horse down in the 
 pasture, and he thought he ought to help 
 her, she'd always been so kind to his 
 mother. He don't mind sayin' what he's 
 been doin'. But we'd like some boy 
 from out of town. - - Yes, that 
 
 last boy we had was real good, he was a 
 handy size, too, he could reach down 
 anythin'. 
 
 Do you care for any of these rubber- 
 neck lamp mats ? They're real pretty 
 - they're made out of this cotton bat- 
 tin* plaited up and tied with pieces of 
 
 worsterd. - - You see you can pull it 
 103
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 out large around the lamp, or fit it around 
 snug. They're somethin' quite new. 
 
 Good -afternoon, Miss Capen. 
 
 - No, your pattern ain't come yet. 
 It was skirt and coat pattern, wasn't it? 
 
 Why, I thought No, I guess it 
 
 was Miss Summer's pattern that come. 
 
 Yes, hers come last week or the 
 
 first part of this week - - I don't 
 recollect now. I wonder how she's mak- 
 in' out. She come in Friday and said she 
 was havin' trouble with the coat, she cut 
 the skirt first. Hers was a five-gore 
 skirt, if I recollect rightly, but the coat 
 didn't seem to be satisfactory, she says 
 it hitched right up in the back. 
 
 Them dress patterns is splendid. I 
 told her she must have cut the goods 
 wrong, or else they're wearin' 'em that 
 104
 
 THE COUNTRY STORE 
 
 way this season. It's real hard to get a 
 good set in the back, I think, anyway. 
 I think Miss Neal usually gets a nice 
 back. Do you recollect Miss Tracy's 
 winter sacque ? It set sweetly in the 
 back, and I think for a best dress, goin' 
 in the cars, or wearin' to meetin', folks 
 notices the back more than the front 
 anyway. They say a great many has 
 the coats boned now. Miss Perry had a 
 bone in her back but she had it took 
 out - - she didn't like the looks of it. 
 
 Did you want to get the goods for your 
 suit now or wait till your pattern come ? 
 - - I've got a lovely piece of goods 
 here I think you might like. It's a 
 real soft piece, it's a kind of a plaid, 
 and yet it ain't real defined. - 
 Yes, it's nice-feelin' goods, ain't it? 
 I0 5
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 It's a nice, heavy piece of cloth, and yet 
 it's a light-weight goods. I think that 
 would look handsome with some of them 
 morey-silk reveres and some of them jet 
 buttons. They do say sleeves is to be 
 large again at the top. Miss Sibly says 
 she's changed a pair of hers, and they 
 look fine; she's took this part and put 
 it right up at the top, and she says 
 they're just in style. 
 
 I won't have your cranberries till the 
 last of the afternoon, Sam. Could you call 
 
 in for 'em then ? Oh, 
 
 they'll be nice ones. How were those 
 
 e gg s - ? were? well, it's too bad. 
 
 They're real scarce. No, that's 
 
 so, they've got to have a rest some 
 
 time, same as every one else, but those 
 
 eggs come from Bartlett's. Of course, 
 
 1 06
 
 THE COUNTRY STORE 
 
 they was box eggs, but he 'lowed they 
 was equal to new-laid. 
 
 Oh, she ain't feelin' well at all, Miss 
 Capen, she ain't been down in the store 
 for two days. She ain't eat nothin' for 
 a week, and what she do eat don't seem 
 to do her no good. She don't seem to 
 have no strength and the least thing pulls 
 her right down. It ain't no sort of use 
 for her to come down into the store, it 
 just excites her all up. She come down 
 yesterday, and tried to match some 
 worsterd for a lady that come in, and it 
 seemed to unnerve her entirely; it was 
 an odd shade, and she said she felt kind 
 of weak all over. But if she just stays 
 real quiet up-stairs and works on button- 
 holes, she's all right. 
 
 Yes, indeed, I miss her down here 
 
 107
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 ever so much, she always tended on the 
 mail, and folks seem to write more lately 
 than ever they did. I think it's a waste 
 of time. You'd be surprised how many 
 postals folks will send about nothin' at 
 all. It usen't to take no time at all 
 sortin' the mail, but now, land sakes! 
 It's somethin' awful. And them picture 
 postals, there ain't no sense to 'em, they 
 take your time just the same, and after 
 all there's nothin' on 'em. 
 
 I hear the Tyler girl's comin* up to 
 spend next Sabbath with her grand- 
 mother. I'd like to see her real well. 
 They do say she looks just the same, but 
 I don't see how any one could visit all 
 them foreign countries and keep lookin' 
 just the same. I am glad she ain't goin' 
 to take up with one of them foreigners. 
 108
 
 THE COUNTRY STORE 
 
 Miss Tayler was tellin' me of some 
 friend of her cousin's that kep' company 
 with one of them Italian Counts for quite 
 a while and then she come home and 
 nothin' come of it at all. I shouldn't 
 care for livin' in one of them villers they 
 talk so much about. I have enough 
 trouble with cold feet as it is; them 
 floors must be somethin' awful in winter 
 time. 
 
 No, I ain't got any rubbers. We've 
 never carried 'em, but there's been so 
 much call for them this rainy spell, if I 
 thought it was goin' to last, I don't know 
 but I should get in some. There's a 
 good deal of loss to shoes and rubbers, 
 'cause of the sizes. Folks have to have 
 just their size. My brother has a shoe 
 
 store up to Pittsville, and he says he 
 109
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 often fits folks to half a size larger and 
 tells 'em it's their size and they never 
 know the difference. He says he'd never 
 get rid of his stock if he didn't, he says 
 it's better for 'em to wear a size larger 
 anyway, so it's just as well. 
 
 What was the other thing you was 
 
 wantin' ? Oh, dried apples. A 
 
 couple of pounds I suppose ? I've got 
 some nice ones just come in. That lady 
 that keeps the boardin' house up to the 
 Pines bought out all I had last week. I 
 see several of the boarders has just left, 
 they come in here to leave their address 
 in case of any mail. They was kind of 
 
 youngish maybe they didn't find it 
 
 gay enough, but they do say they had a 
 
 gentleman there this summer. I never 
 
 seen him, but I hear he left on Tuesday 
 
 no
 
 "I never seen him, but I hear he left on Tuesday.'
 
 THE COUNTRY STORE 
 
 that was the day before she come 
 
 in for the apples. 
 
 That was two dollars you gave me, 
 wasn't it?- Twenty -three and 
 
 two is twenty-five, thirty-five, forty-five 
 and seventy-five one dollar, and one 
 is two dollars, thank you. - - Goin' 
 to put those right in your bag ? I could 
 put a string round 'em for you just as 
 well as not. Well, you can't hurt 'em any- 
 way, that's one thing about dried apples. 
 
 Oh, you do ? - - You want me 
 
 to send the flour the first thing in the 
 mornin' ? All right. We ain't got no 
 more of the Pearl Flake, but the Com- 
 fort flour is splendid - - then there's a 
 new flour, it's called "The Belle of the 
 Ball." Mrs. Jolly uses that and says 
 there's nothin' like it. She says it's 
 "3
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 lovely, it's so light and nice. She says 
 every one down their way is crazy about 
 it. She says she was in to Mrs. Wat- 
 kins's the other afternoon, there's a good 
 many was invited in, I presume, to meet 
 her married daughter, and she said they 
 talked of nothin' else hardly but that 
 flour. She was the first one to try it, 
 and she's goin' to get ten orders from 
 other ladies, and she expects to get a 
 roll-top desk on 'em. Mrs. Torry did 
 the same down to Pittsville and she got 
 a banquet lamp and she says it makes the 
 finest biscuits! - - You think you 
 
 prefer the Comfort ? - - All right, I 
 guess I can send it the first thing in the 
 
 mornin' half a barrel yes. 
 
 Those are lovely apples, Mr. Baxter. 
 
 Yes, baker's, and they make elegant 
 
 114
 
 THE COUNTRY STORE 
 
 sauce too - No, they come 
 
 from Mr. Daniel's farm. You knew he'd 
 
 married again, didn't you ? - Yes, 
 
 it's too bad, she's awful close - - the 
 other one was a real nice woman, we used 
 to get big orders from up there, but it's 
 very different now. 
 
 Well, Abel, have you got the mail ? 
 Was the train late ? - - You take 
 that list and get the things ready to take 
 up to Miss Tully's while I sort out the 
 mail. 
 
 (Stamps.) Second letter this week 
 for Sadie Brooks from Worcester. Won- 
 der what's up, there. (Stamps.) Guess 
 those is the Bates girls' weddin' invitations 
 
 -elegant handwritin'. Another 
 
 bill for Mrs. Brooks from those dress- 
 makers she's nearly wore that suit
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 out too. (Stamps and then reads.} 
 "Expect to be out Friday on four-o'clock 
 train." Is Mrs. Tracy's daughter-in- 
 law's name "Florence?" -Oh! 
 yes. (Reads.} I guess that's from Ab- 
 bie Morris. I didn't know she'd gone 
 away. (Stamps.) There, that's done 
 
 No, there ain't never much on 
 
 that six-o'clock mail. 
 
 Now, Abel, you can put those in the 
 boxes, and I am goin' to get my supper, 
 and don't you be lookin' over the letters 
 either, and remember that lump sugar is 
 awful bad for your teeth. 
 
 116
 
 " I guess that's from Abbie Morris. I didn't know she'd 
 gone away. "
 
 VI 
 A PROFESSIONAL BOARDER
 
 VI 
 
 A PROFESSIONAL BOARDER 
 
 (Enters and lakes a seat at the table, nodding and 
 saying "Good-morning" to the other boarders.} 
 
 ERY disagreeable morning, 
 isn't it ? - - No, I don't 
 think I shall venture out 
 to-day. I guess it's three 
 or four days since I've 
 been out; it looked so like snow yester- 
 day, and Saturday it was so muddy, and 
 Friday I expected my sister all day. 
 There's such a wind to-day; I think it's 
 colder than any day we've had yet. 
 
 You think Thursday was colder, Mr. 
 Bates ? No, I don't either, Miss 
 
 121
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 Brown. I don't think Thursday was as 
 cold as some days we've had. - 
 Do you ? Well, I don't go by a ther- 
 mometer; I have a heavy sacque with an 
 interlining, and I know I was too warm 
 in it Thursday. 
 
 You won't venture out with your cold, 
 
 Miss Parker, will you ? Oh, I think 
 
 you're foolish! Aren't you afraid you'll 
 
 add to it? Well, I wouldn't go out 
 
 just for that; it's two weeks to Christmas, 
 you'll have time enough to get them. I 
 think I've got most of my things now. 
 I'm not going to give much of anything 
 this year anyway. I always send the 
 things just as soon as I get them, too. 
 
 Oh, I don't mind when they 
 
 open them, as long as I've got them off 
 my mind. (Turning to waitress.} Hominy. 
 
 122
 
 A PROFESSIONAL BOARDER 
 
 I wish you would tell me something 
 for a man. You ought to know, Miss 
 Parker, with all your gentleman friends. 
 - They never use the things you give 
 them anyway. -- Now last Christmas, I 
 gave my nephew some neckties. I chose 
 them very carefully; I didn't get him any- 
 thing but what I'd wear myself. He's 
 always in a hurry, so I got them all 
 bowed up ready; there was a kind of 
 buff-colored one with a blue sprig on it. 
 But he never wears them. 
 
 Yes, I know, I gave him one last year, 
 I gave him that "Gems of Thought" 
 calendar, but he used to pull a whole 
 week off at a time to use for shaving. 
 
 I'll trouble you for the salt, Mr. Tay- 
 lor, before you go - - how's Mrs. Tay- 
 lor this morning ? - - it's right in front 
 123
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 of you - - did I say salt ? I meant 
 sugar - - she don't seem to throw it off 
 at all, does she ? I thought she looked 
 dreadfully yesterday. I wish she would 
 try something my sister uses. She's a 
 constant sufferer, so she ought to know 
 what's good for it. Good-morning, tell 
 Mrs. Taylor I hope she'll be better soon. 
 
 She never will be as long as she's so set. 
 Now I was in her room last night, while 
 my bed was being taken down, and I 
 should think I talked to her over half an 
 hour, telling her what she ought to do, 
 but it's no use; you see she's worse this 
 
 morning. I don't see why some of 
 
 her own family don't come and stay with 
 her; they can't care much about her. 
 
 What do you say, Miss Per- 
 kins ? Oh, you're acquainted with 
 
 124
 
 A PROFESSIONAL BOARDER 
 
 them ? Where ? - Well, are they 
 
 all in Europe ? Oh, there's only her 
 mother and sister. Well, they can't care 
 much about her. 
 
 Some cold bread, please, Katie, gra- 
 ham. No, I thank you, I can't 
 
 eat any hot biscuit. I thought I was 
 better a while ago, but I found I had 
 
 this (Tapping her chest.} I'm 
 
 better without it. If I had my way, I 
 wouldn't have it on the table at all. I 
 think every one would be better without 
 them. 
 
 That reminds me, I forgot my medi- 
 cine. Katie, Katie! Will you please go 
 up to my room, and on the bureau, back 
 of that plush frame on the right, you'll 
 see a tall, fat bottle, and right side of it 
 you'll see two little bits of bottles; well, 
 125
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 it's the one farthest from the large bottle 
 I want. 
 
 I hear Mrs. Phillips is coming back. 
 No, she's going to have the fourth floor, 
 back. I'm rather glad, because she's 
 always said a good deal about never 
 having anything but a first floor, front. I 
 presume she'll say she prefers it now on 
 account of the view. 
 
 Yes, Mrs. Watson's keeping her old 
 room - 1 know because I heard some 
 one say they heard Mrs. Prescott telling 
 some one that she was very much dis- 
 appointed, she had a chance to let the 
 whole floor for the winter. I suppose 
 she had the refusal of the room, but I 
 should have told her she couldn't have 
 it. (Takes pills and drinks some water 
 quickly.} 
 
 126
 
 "Where my sister boards she says the table's splendid." 

 
 A PROFESSIONAL BOARDER 
 
 Katie, please bring me some hot milk, 
 this coffee is entirely too strong. 
 
 Where my sister boards she says the 
 table's splendid. She has a small room, 
 but she says the coffee is just like home- 
 made; of course she isn't in it much, 
 and as I tell her I'd rather have a small 
 room where the table is good and 
 then she says the other boarders are all 
 so unusually pleasant. 
 
 Good-morning, Mrs. Watson; good- 
 morning, Daisy, going to school this 
 morning ? Do you like your teacher ? 
 Well, I guess you haven't any tongue. 
 
 Oh, Daisy! that's not pretty. Well, I 
 suppose you wanted to show me you had 
 one. (Turns to lady at her left.) 
 
 Well, some children talk too much. 
 
 My brother's children are dreadful! It's 
 129
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 no pleasure to be with them in their own 
 home. He wasn't brought up that way 
 and doesn't approve of it, but my sister- 
 in-law has no more idea of bringing up 
 
 children than . They are very 
 
 different when they are with me; but of 
 course, she won't listen to anything I 
 say. 
 
 What are you drinking, Daisy ? Don't 
 you like milk ? Tell Mamma she oughtn't 
 
 to let you have coffee. - Yes, 
 
 I suppose it's very weak, but it seems 
 as if she was very young to have it. 
 
 What did you say, dear? Oh, going 
 to have your picture taken, is that so? 
 
 Where do you go, Mrs. Watson ? 
 
 Oh, no, I don't care for his pictures at 
 
 all. I had mine taken there, and I 
 
 wanted to burn them all up - but they 
 
 130
 
 "My brother's children are dreadful!"
 
 A PROFESSIONAL BOARDER 
 
 cost so much - so I gave them all away 
 to my relations. 
 
 Do you think they were good, Miss 
 
 Clark ? I don't see how you can 
 
 say so. Well, every one thought 
 
 they were good. I don't think they 
 looked like me in the first place. 
 
 No, I don't care for those artistic pho- 
 tographers. You see they won't let any 
 one into the room with you, and of course 
 they don't know your worst side as one 
 of your family does. The day I went, 
 my sister went with me, and two cousins 
 of mine, and I thought if they all came 
 in I should feel more natural, and they 
 could tell him how to take it. But he shut 
 the door right in their faces, of course 
 everything he does is considered so ar- 
 tistic, but I thought it was awfully rude. 
 133
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 And then I fixed my hair on the side I 
 thought he was taking, and when it was 
 finished it came out the other and was 
 all drawn tight and looked horrid. 
 
 Good-by, Daisy; I hope you'll sit 
 nicely for your picture. 
 
 Not a pleasant child at all, is she ? 
 Very badly brought up. I should think 
 her mother would want to have a good 
 picture of her, she's very delicate looking. 
 She's very healthy looking, the mother- 
 yes, Mrs. Watson, it's a pleasure to see 
 her eat, isn't it ? 
 
 If you haven't any appetite yourself, 
 it's a comfort to see others enjoy their 
 
 food. Trouble you for the toast, 
 
 Miss Bates (Nods to Miss Park- 
 er, who is leaving the table.) 
 
 You take my advice, Miss Parker, and 
 134
 
 " But he shut the door right in their faces I thought it was awfully rude."
 
 A PROFESSIONAL BOARDER 
 
 don't go out with your cold. (To lady 
 opposite.) 
 
 Very nice young lady that Miss Parker. 
 (To lady opposite.) Do you know any- 
 thing about her family ? - - Oh, no, I 
 don't, I only wondered if you did, she 
 always seems very nice, but I don't 
 know, a young lady all alone in a board- 
 ing house, that way - - it always seems 
 a little - - (Drinks her coffee.) 
 
 Good-morning, Mr. Walker - - no, you 
 are not the last. I suppose you were 
 pretty tired this morning, I think I 
 heard you come in rather late last night 
 - - didn't I ? Well, I heard some one 
 about half-past one, I thought it was 
 your door. 
 
 Did you get your letter ? I noticed 
 there was one for you, because the post- 
 137
 
 MONOLOGUES 
 
 mark was Marshville, and my sister used 
 to live there. I wondered if you knew 
 any one there that I did. 
 
 Oh, you haven't been there ? Well 
 did you ever hear your friends speak of 
 the Rices ? Very large family, lovely 
 family. Or any of the Grays, or Parsons, 
 Dennises, Updikes ? Mr. Updike is a 
 
 fine -looking man, isn't he? Oh, 
 
 you've never lived there! Of course. 
 
 - Who ? No, I'm not acquainted with 
 
 them, but of course I'm familiar with the 
 
 name, several sons Oh, aren't 
 
 there ? Well, it's a good while since 
 my sister lived there. It's a lovely place, 
 the residential section is very handsome, 
 some beautiful homes there, and new 
 homes being built all the time. The li- 
 brary is very fine, isn't it? Of 
 
 138
 
 A PROFESSIONAL BOARDER 
 
 course, I keep forgetting you haven't been 
 there. 
 
 Well, I guess I'll go along. (Folds her 
 napkin and gets up.} Katie, give me a 
 glass of milk, please, and I guess I'll take 
 up an orange. Is there any of that 
 
 celery, Katie ? Well, if you'll see, 
 
 please. Charlie is so fond of celery, I 
 thought I'd take him a piece. - 
 Oh, he's better, thank you, come in and 
 see him some time. He don't look very 
 well. -Yes, he's moulting. 
 
 139
 
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