University of California Berkeley 
 
 From the book collection of 
 BERTRAND H. BRONSON 
 
 bequeathed by him 
 or donated by his wife 
 
 Mildred S. Bronson 
 
> s 
 
BY 
 
 WITH 
 ILLUSTRATIONS BY T<HE AUTHOR. 
 
 LO//&ON . JAME.S BLACKWQOD . PATERKOSTSR ROW- 
 
THE ADVENTURES 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 BY CFTHBERT BEDE, B.A. 
 
 Wild NUrjEROUS ILLUSTRATIONS, DESIGNED AND DRAWN ON THE WOOD 
 BY THE AUTHOR. 
 
 *A COL;. EOS JOKE TO CUEE THE DOKPil. 
 
 SWIFT. 
 
 EIGHTIETH THOUSAND. 
 COMPLETE IN ONE VOLUME. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 JAMES BLACKWOOD, PATERNOSTER ROW. 
 1859. 
 
CONTENTS OF PART I. 
 
 CHAPTER L 
 
 PACK 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green's Relatives and Antecedents . I 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green is to be an Oxford Freshman . 8 
 
 CHAPTER IIL 
 Mr. Verdant Green leaves the Home of his Ancestors . . 15 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green becomes an Oxford Undergraduate . -27 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 Mr. Verdant Green matriculates, and makes a sensation . . 35 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green dines, breakfasts, and goes to Chapel . . 40 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green calls on a Gentleman who "is licensed 
 
 to sell" . 55 
 
IV CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 PAOK 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green's Morning Reflections are not so pleasant as 
 
 his Evening Diversions .66 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green attends Lectures, and, in despite of Sermons, 
 
 has dealings with Filthy Lucre . . . . 78 
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green reforms his Tailor s Bills and runs up others. 
 fie also appeal's in a rapid act of Horsemanship, and finds 
 Isis cool hi Summer , .87 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 Mr. Verdant Green's Sports and Pastimes . . . 99 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green terminates his existence as an Oxfo! 
 
 Freshman . 110 
 
CONTENTS OF PART II, 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 FA.OK 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green recommences his existence as an Oxford 
 
 Undergraduate , , ; 1 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 Mr. Verdant Green does as he has been done by , 8 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Mv Verdant Green endeavours to keep his Spirits up by pour 
 ing Spirits down ........ 14 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green discovers the difference between Town and 
 
 Gown 26 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Mr . Verdant Green is favoured with Mr. Bouncer's Opinions 
 regarding an Undergraduate's Epistolary Communications 
 to his Maternal .Relative 39 
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 Mr. Verdant Green feathers his oars with skill and dexterity . 60 
 
VI CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 PA OB 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green partakes of a Dove-tart and a Spread eagle . 59 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green spends a Merry Christmas and a Happy 
 
 New Year ........... 68 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green makes his first appearance on any Boards . 75 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green enjoys a real Cigar . . . . 87 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 Mr. Verdant Green gets through his Smalls . . .95 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green and Iris Friends enjoy the Commemoration 104 
 
CONTENTS OF PART III. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green travels North 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green delivers Miss Patty Honey wood from tho 
 
 Horns of a Dilemma 7 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green studies ye Manners and Customs of y s 
 
 Xatyves . . . . 1'J 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 Mr. Verdant Green endeavours to say Snip to some one's Snap 25 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green meets with the Green-eyed Monster . . 33 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green joins a Northumberland Pic-Nic . . 41 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 Mr. Verdant Green has an Inkling of the Future . . . -V.) 
 
Ylll CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 PACE 
 
 Mr Verdant Green crosses the Rubicon . , . . .07 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 Mr. Verdant Green asks Papa OS 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 Mr. Verdant Green is made a Mason . . . . .78 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green breakfasts with Mr. Bouncer, and enters for 
 
 a Grind . 88 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 Mr. Verdant Green takes liis Degree . . 05 
 
 CHAPTER THE LAST. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green is Married and Done for . . . i'J4 
 
THE ADVENTURES 
 
 OP 
 
 MR, YERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 13. VERDANT GREEN'S RELATIVES AND ANTECEDENTS. 
 
 IF you vvill refer to the unpublished volume of " Burke's Landed 
 Gentry," and turn to letter G, article " GREEN," you will see that 
 the Verdant Greens are a family of some respectability and of con 
 siderable antiquity. We meet with them as early as 1096, flock 
 ing to the Crusades among the followers of Peter the Hermit, when 
 one of their name, Greene surnamed the Witless, mortgaged his 
 lands ia order to supply his poorer companions with the sinews of 
 war. The family estate, however, appears to have been redeemed 
 and greatly increased by his great-grandson, Hugo de Greene, but 
 was again jeoparded in the year 1456, when Basil Greene, being 
 commissioned by Henry the Sixth to enrich his sovereign by dis 
 covering the philosopher's stone, squandered the greater part of his 
 fortune in unavailing experiments ; while his son, who was also in 
 fected with the spirit of the age, was blown up in his laboratory when 
 just on the point of discovering the elixir of life. It seems to have 
 been about this time that the Greenes became*connected by marriage 
 with tlis equally old family of the Verdants; and, in the year 1510, 
 we find a Verdant Greene as justice of the peace for the county of 
 Warwick, presiding at the trial of three decrepid old women, who, 
 being found guilty of transforming themselves into cats, and in that 
 shape attending the nightly assemblies of evil spirits, were very pro 
 perly pronounced by him to be witches, and were burnt with all due 
 solemnity. 
 
 D 
 
2 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEK, 
 
 In tracing the records of the family, we do not find that any of 
 its members attained to great eminence in the state, either in the 
 counsels of the senate or the active services of the field; or that they 
 amassed any unusual amount of wealth or landed property. But we 
 may perhaps ascribe these circumstances to the fact of finding the 
 Greens, generation after generation, made the dupes of more astute 
 minds, and when the hour of danger came, left to manage their own 
 affairs in the best way they could, a way that commonly ended in 
 their mismanagement and total confusion. Indeed, the idiosyncrasy 
 of the family appears to have been so well known, that we continually 
 meet with them performing the character of catspaw to some monkey 
 who had seen and understood much more of the world than they had, 
 putting their hands to the fire, and only finding out their mistake 
 when they had burned their fingers. 
 
 In this way the family of the Verdant Greens never got beyond 
 a certain point either in wealth or station, but were always the 
 same unsuspicious, credulous, respectable, easy-going people in one 
 century as another, with the same boundless confidence in their 
 fellow-creatures, and the same readiness to oblige society by putting 
 their names to little bills, merely for form's and friendship's sake. 
 The Vavasour Verdant Green, with the slashed velvet doublet and 
 point-lace fall, who (having a well-stocked purse) was among the 
 favoured courtiers of the Merry Monarch, and who allowed that 
 monarch in his merriness to borrow his purse, with the simple I. 0. U. 
 of " Odd's fish ! you shall take mine to-morrow !" and who never 
 (of course) saw the sun rise on the day of repayment, was but the 
 prototype of the Verdant Greens in the full-bottomed wigs, and 
 buckles and shorts of George L's day, who were nearly beggared by 
 the bursting of the Mississippi Scheme and South-Sea Bubble ; and 
 these, in their turn, were duly represented by their successors. And 
 thus the family character was handed down with the family nose, 
 until they both re-appeared (according to the veracious chronicle of 
 Burke, to which we have referred) in 
 
 "VERDANT GREEN, of the Manor Green, Co. Warwick, Gent., 
 who married Mary, only surviving child of Samuel Sappey, Esq., of 
 Sapcot Hall, Co. Salop ; by whom he has issue, one son, and three 
 daughters : Mary, VERDANT, Helen, Fanny." 
 
 Mr. Burke is unfeeling enough to give the dates when this bunch 
 of Greens first made their appearance in the world ; but these dates 
 we withhold, from a delicate regard to personal feelings, which will 
 be duly appreciated by those who have felt the sacredness of their 
 domestic hearth to be tampered with by the obtrusive impertinences 
 of a census-paper. 
 
 It is sufficient for our purpose to say, that our hero, Mr. Verdant 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 3 
 
 Green, junior, was born much in the same way as other folk. And 
 although pronounced by Mrs. Toosypegs his nurse, when yet in the 
 first crimson blush of his existence, to be " a perfect progidy, mum, 
 which I ought to be able to pronounce, 'avin nuss'd a many parties 
 through their trouble, and bein aweer of what is doo to a Hinfant," 
 yet we are not aware that his debut on the stage of life, although 
 thus applauded by such a clacqueur as the indiscriminating Toosy 
 pegs, was announced to the world at large by any other means than 
 the notices in the county papers, and the six-shilling advertisement 
 in the Times. 
 
 " Progidy" though he was, even as a baby, yet Mr. Verdant 
 Green's nativity seems to have been chronicled merely in this every 
 day manner, and does not appear to have been accompanied by any 
 of those more monstrous phenomena, which in earlier ages attended 
 the production of a genuine prodigy. We are not aware that Mrs. 
 Green's favourite Alderney spoke on that occasion, or conducted itself 
 otherwise than as unaccustomed to public speaking as usual. Neither 
 can we verify the assertion of the intelligent Mr. Mole the gardener, 
 that the plaster Apollo in the Long Walk was observed to be bathed 
 in a profuse perspiration, either from its feeling compelled to keep 
 up the good old classical custom, or because the weather was damp. 
 Neither are we bold enough to entertain an opinion that the chickens 
 in the poultry-yard refused their customary food ; or that the horses 
 in the stable shook with trembling fear ; or that any thing, or any 
 body, saving and excepting Mrs. Toosypegs, betrayed any conscious 
 ness that a real and genuine prodigy had been given to the world. 
 
 However, during the first two years of his life, which were passed 
 chiefly in drinking, crying, and sleeping, Mr. Verdant Green met 
 with as much attention, and received as fair a share of approbation, 
 as usually falls to the lot of the most favoured of infants. Then 
 Mrs. Toosypegs again took up her position in the house, and his 
 reign was over. Faithful to her mission, she pronounced the new 
 baby to be the " progidy," and she was believed. But thus it is 
 all through life ; the new baby displaces the old ; the second love 
 supplants the first ; we find fresh friends to shut out the memories 
 of former ones ; and in nearly every thing we discover that there 
 is a Number 2 which can put out of joint the nose of Number 1. 
 
 Once more the shadow of Mrs. Toosypegs fell upon the walls of 
 Manor Green ; and then her mission being accomplished, she passed 
 away for ever ; and our hero was left to be the sole son and heir, 
 and the prop and pride of the house of Green. 
 
 And if it be true that the external forms of nature exert a hidden 
 but powerful sway over the dawning perceptions of the mind, and 
 shape its thoughts to harmony with the things around, then most 
 
4 THE ADVENTUBES OF ME. VEBDANT GBEEN, 
 
 certainly ought Mr. Verdant Green to have been born a poet; for he 
 grew up amid those scenes whose immortality is, that they inspired 
 the soul of Shakspeare with his deathless fancies ! 
 
 The Manor Green was situated in one of the loveliest spots in 
 all Warwickshire ; a county so rich in all that constitutes the pic- 
 turesqueness of a true English landscape. Looking from the draw 
 ing-room windows of the house, you saw in the near foreground 
 the pretty French garden, with its fantastic parti-coloured beds, and 
 its broad gravelled walks and terrace ; proudly promenading which, 
 ttr perched on the stone balustrade, might be seen perchance a pea 
 cock flaunting his beauties in the sun. Then came the carefully kept 
 gardens, bounded on the one side by the Long Walk and a grove of 
 shrubs and oaks; and on the other side by a double avenue of 
 stately elms, that led through velvet turf of brightest green, down 
 past a little rustic lodge, to a gently sloping valley, where were white 
 walls and rose-clustered gables of cottages peeping out from the 
 embosoming trees, that betrayed the village beauties they seemed 
 loth to hide. Then came the grey church-tower, dark with shroud 
 ing ivy ; then another clump of stately elms, tenanted by cawing 
 rooks ; then a yellow stretch of bright meadow-land, dappled over 
 with browsing kine knee-deep in grass and flowers ; then a deep, 
 pool that mirrored all, and shone like silver ; then more trees with 
 floating shade, and homesteads rich in wheat-stacks ; then a willowy 
 brook that sparkled on merrily to an old mill-wheel, whose slippery 
 stairs it lazily got down, and sank to quiet rest in the stream below ; 
 then came, crowding in rich profusion, wide-spreading woods and 
 antlered oaks; and golden gorse and purple heather; and sunny 
 orchards, with their dark-green waves that in Spring foamed white 
 with blossoms ; and then gently swelling hills that rose to close the 
 scene and frame the picture. 
 
 Such was the view from the Manor Green. And full of inspira 
 tion as such a scene was, yet Mr. Verdant Green never accomplished 
 (as far as poetical inspiration was concerned) more than an " Address 
 to the Moon," which he could just as well have written in any other 
 part of the country, and which, commencing with the noble aspiration, 
 
 " moon, that shinest in the heaven so blue, 
 I only wish that I could shine like you !" 
 
 and terminating with one of those fine touches of nature which rise 
 superior to the trammels of ordinary versification, 
 
 " But I to bed must be going soon, 
 So I will not address thee more, moon J" 
 
 Will no doubt go down to posterity in the Album of his sister Mary. 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 5 
 
 For the first fourteen years of his life, the education of Mr. Ver 
 dant Green was conducted wholly under the shadow of his paternal 
 roof, upon principles fondly imagined to he the soundest and purest 
 for the formation of his character. Mrs. Green, who was as good 
 and motherly a soul as ever lived, was yet (as we have shown) one 
 of the Sappeys of Sapcot, a family that were not renowned either for 
 common sense or worldly wisdom, and her notions of a hoy's educa 
 tion were of that kind laid down by her favourite poet, Cowper, in 
 his " Tirocinium," that we are 
 
 " Well-tutor' d only while we share 
 A mother's lectures and a nurse's care;" 
 
 and in her horror of all other kind of instruction (not that she ad 
 mitted Mrs. Toosypegs to her counsels), she fondly kept Master Ver 
 dant at her own apron-strings. The task of teaching his young idea 
 how to shoot was committed chiefly to his sisters' governess, and ho 
 regularly took his place with them in the school-room. These daily 
 exercises and mental drillings were subject to the inspection of their 
 maiden-aunt, Miss Virginia Verdant, a first cousin of Mr. Green's, 
 who had come to visit at the Manor during Master Verdant's infancy, 
 and had remained there ever since ; and this generalship was crowned 
 with such success, that her nephew grew up the girlish companicfti 
 of his sisters, with no knowledge of boyish sports, and no desire for 
 them. 
 
 The motherly and spinsterial views regarding his education were 
 favoured by the fact that he had no playmates of his own sex and 
 age ; and since his father was an only child, and his mother's bro 
 thers had died in their infancy, there were no cousins to initiate him 
 into the mysteries of boyish games and feelings. Mr. Green was a 
 man who only cared to live a quiet, easy-going life, and would have 
 troubled himself but little about his neighbours, if he had had any ; 
 but the Manor Green lay in an agricultural district, and, saving the 
 Rectory, there was no other large house for miles around. The 
 rector's wife, Mrs. Larkyns, had died shortly after the birth of her 
 first child, a son, who was being educated at a public school ; and 
 this was enough, in Mrs. Green's eyes, to make a too intimate ac 
 quaintance between her boy and Master Larkyns a thing by no 
 means to be desired. With her favourite poet she would say, 
 
 " For public schools, 'tis public folly feeds ;" 
 
 and, regarding them as the very hotbeds of all that is wrong, she 
 would turn a deaf, though polite, ear to the rector whenever he said, 
 " Why don't you let your Verdant go with my Charley ? Charley 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VEEDANT GEEEN, 
 
 is three years older than Verdant, and would take him under his 
 wing." Mrs. Green would as soon think of putting one of her chickens 
 under the wing of a hawk, as intrusting the innocent Verdant to the 
 care of the scapegrace Charley ; so she still persisted in her own. 
 system of education, despite all that the rector could advise to the 
 contrary. 
 
 As for Master Verdant, he was only too glad at his mother's 
 decision, for he partook of all her alarm about puhlic schools, though 
 from a different cause. It was not very often that he visited at the 
 Rectory during Master Charley's holidays ; but when he did, that 
 young gentleman favoured him with such accounts of the peculiar 
 knack the second master possessed of finding out all your tenderest 
 places when he licked a feller for a false quantity, that, by Jove ! 
 you couldn't sit down for a fortnight without squeaking ; and of the 
 jolly mills they used to have with the town cads, who would lie in 
 wait for you, and half kill you if they caught you alone ; and of the 
 fun it was to make a junior form fag for you, and do all your dirty 
 work ; that Master Verdaut's hair would almost stand on end at 
 such horrors, and he would gasp for very dread lest such should ever 
 be his dreadful doom. 
 
 And then Master Charley would take a malicious pleasure in con 
 soling him, by saying, " Of course, you know, you'll only have to fag 
 for the first two or three years ; then if you get into the fourth 
 form you'll be able to have a fag for yourself. And it's awful fun, 
 I can tell you, to see the way some of the fags get riled at cricket I 
 You get a feller to give you a few balls, just for practice, and you hit 
 the ball into another feller's ground ; and then you tell your fag to 
 go and pick it up. So he goes to do it, when the other feller sings 
 out, ' Don't touch that ball, or I'll lick you !' So you tell the fag to 
 come to you, and you say, ' Why don't you do as I tell you ?' And 
 he says, "Please, sir !' and then the little beggar blubbers. So you 
 say to him, ' None of that, sir ! Touch your toes !" We always 
 make 'em wear straps on purpose. And then his trousers go tight 
 and beautiful, and you take out your strap and warm him ! And 
 then he goes to get the ball, and the other fellow sings out, * I told 
 you to let that ball alone ! Come here, sir ! Touch your toes 1* So 
 he warms him too ; and then we go on all jolly. It's awful fun, I 
 can tell you !" 
 
 Master Verdant would think it awful indeed; and, by his own 
 fireside, would recount the deeds of horror to his trembling mother 
 and sisters, whose imagination shuddered at the scenes from which 
 they hoped their darling would be preserved. 
 
 Perhaps Master Charley had his own reasons for making matters 
 worse than they really were ; but, as long as the information he de- 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. I 
 
 rived concerning public schools was of this description, so long did 
 Master Verdant Green feel thankful at being kept away from them. 
 He had a secret dread, too, of his friend's superior age and know 
 ledge ; and in his presence felt a bashful awe that made him glad to 
 gei back from the Rectory to Ms own sisters ; while Master Charley, 
 on the other hand, entertained a lad's contempt for one that could 
 not fire off a gun, or drive a cricket-ball, or jump a ditch without 
 falling into it. So the Rectory and the Manor Green lads saw but 
 very little of each other; and while the one went through his 
 public-school course, the other was brought up at the women's apron- 
 string. 
 
 But though thus put under petticoat government, Mr. Verdant 
 Green was not altogether freed from those tyrants of youth, the 
 dead languages. His aunt Virginia was as learned a Blue as her 
 esteemed ancestress in the court of Elizabeth, the very Virgin Queen 
 of Blues ; and under her guidance Master Verdant was dragged 
 with painful diligence through the first steps of the road that was to 
 take him to Parnassus. It was a great sight to see her sitting stiff 
 and straight, with her wonderfully undeceptive "false front" of 
 (somebody else's) black hair, graced on either side by four sausage- 
 looking curls, as, with spectacles on nose and dictionary in hand, 
 she instructed her nephew in those ingenuous arts which should soften 
 his manners, and not permit him to be brutal. And, when they 
 together entered upon the romantic page of Virgil (which was the 
 extent of her classical reading), nothing would delight her more than 
 to declaim their sonorous Arma-virumque-cano lines, where the 
 intrinsic qualities of the verse surpassed the quantities that she gave 
 to them. 
 
 Fain would Miss Virginia have made Virgil the end and aim of 
 an educational existence, and so have kept her pupil entirely under 
 her own care ; but, alas ! she knew nothing further ; she had no 
 acquaintance with Greek, and she had never flirted with Euclid ; and 
 the rector persuaded Mr. Green that these were indispensable to a 
 boy's education. So, when Mr. Verdant Green was (in stable lan 
 guage) " rising" sixteen, he went thrice a week to the Rectory, where 
 Mr. Larkyns bestowed upon him a couple of hours, and taught him 
 to conjugate rvTrrw, and get over the Pons Asinorum. Mr. Larkyns 
 found his pupil not a particularly brilliant scholar, but he was a 
 plodding one ; and though he learned slowly, yet the little he did 
 learn was learned well. 
 
 Thus the Rectory and the home studies went hand and hand, and 
 continued so, with but little interruption, for more than two years ; 
 and Mr. Verdant Green had for some time assumed the toga virilit 
 of stick-up collars and swallow-tail coats, that so effectually cut tig 
 
8 THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VEKDANT GREEN, 
 
 off from the age of innocence ; and the small family festival that 
 annually celebrated his birthday had just been held for the eighteenth 
 time, when 
 
 " A change came o'er the spirit of hut dream." 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 ME. VEKDANT GEEEN IS TO BE AN OXFOKD-MAN. 
 
 ONE day when the family at the Manor Green had assembled for 
 luncheon, the rector was announced. He came in and joined them, 
 saving, with his usual friendly bonhomie, " A very well-timed visit, 
 I think ! Your bell rang out its summons as I came up the avenue. 
 Mrs. Green, I've gone through the formality of looking over the 
 accounts of your clothing- club, and, as usual, I find them correctness 
 itself; and here is my subscription for the next year. Miss Green, 
 I hope that you have not forgotten the lesson in logic that Tommy 
 Jones gave you yesterday afternoon ?" 
 
 . " Oh, what was that ?" cried her two sisters ; who took it in 
 turns with her to go for a short time in every day to the village - 
 school which their father and the rector had established : " Pray tell 
 us, Mr. Larkyns ! Mary has said nothing about it." 
 
 "Then," replied the rector, "I am tongue-tied, until I have my 
 fair friend's permission to reveal how the teacher was taught." 
 
 Mary shook her sunny ringlets, and laughingly gave him the 
 required permission. 
 
 " You must know, then," said Mr. Larkyns, " that Miss Mary 
 was giving one of those delightful object lessons, wherein she blends 
 so much instructive " 
 
 " I'll trouble you for the butter, Mr. Larkyns," interrupted Mary, 
 rather maliciously. 
 
 The rector was grey-headed, and a privileged friend. "My 
 dear," he said, "I was just giving it you. However, the object- 
 lesson was going on; the subject being Quadrupeds, which Miss 
 Mary very properly explained to be ' things with four legs.' Pre 
 sently, she said to her class, ' Tell me the names of some quadru 
 peds ?' when Tommy Jones, thrusting out his hand with the full 
 conviction that he was making an important suggestion, exclaimed, 
 * Chairs and tables !' That was turning the tables upon Miss Mary 
 with a vengeance !" 
 
 During luncheon the conversation glided into a favourite theme 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 9 
 
 with Mrs. Green and Miss Virginia, Verdant's studies : when Mr. 
 Larkyns, after some good-natured praise of his diligence, said, " By 
 the way, Green, he's now quite old enough, and prepared enough 
 for matriculation : and I suppose you are thinking of it." 
 
 Mr. Green was thinking of no such thing. He had never heen at 
 college himself, and had never heard of his father having been there ; 
 and having the old-fashioned, what-was-good-enough-for-iny-father-is- 
 good-enough-for-me sort of feeling, it had never occurred to him that 
 his son should be brought up otherwise than he himself had been. 
 The setting-out of Charles Larkyns for college, two years before, had 
 suggested no other thought to Mr. Green's mind, than that a univer 
 sity was the natural sequence of a public school ; and since Verdant 
 had not been through the career of the one, he deemed him to be 
 exempt from the other. 
 
 The motherly ears of Mrs. Green had been caught by the word 
 " matriculation," a phrase quite unknown to her ; and she said, " If 
 it's vaccination that you mean, Mr. Larkyns, my dear Verdant was 
 done only last year, when we thought the small-pox was about ; so 
 I think he's quite safe." 
 
 . Mr. Larkyns' politeness was sorely tied to restrain himself from 
 giving vent to his feelings in a loud burst of laughter ; but Mary gal 
 lantly came to his relief by saying, " Matriculation means, being 
 entered at a university. Don't you remember, dearest mamma, 
 when Mr. Charles Larkyns went up to Oxford to be matriculated 
 last January two years ?" 
 
 " Ah, yes ! I do now. But I wish I had your memory, my dear." 
 
 And Mary blushed, and flattered herself that she succeeded in 
 looking as though Mr. Charles Larkyns and his movements were 
 objects of perfect indifference to her. 
 
 So, after luncheon, Mr. Green and the rector paced up and down 
 the long-walk, and talked the matter over. The burden of Mr. Green's 
 discourse was this : " You see, sir, I don't intend my boy to go into 
 the Church, like yours ; but, when any thing happens to me, he'll 
 come into the estate, and have to settle down as the squire of the 
 parish. So I don't exactly see what would be the use of sending him 
 to a university, where, I dare say, he'd spend a good deal of money, 
 not that I should grudge that, though ; and perhaps not be quite 
 such a good lad as he's always been to me, sir. And, by George ! (I 
 beg your pardon,) I think his mother would break her heart to lose 
 him ; and I don't know what we should do without him, as he's never 
 been away from us a day, and his sisters would miss him. And he's 
 not a lad, like your Charley, that could fight his way in the world, and 
 I don't think he'd be altogether happy. And as he's not got to depend 
 upon his talents for his bread and cheese, the knowledge he's got at 
 
10 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 home, and from you, sir, seems to me quite enough to carry him 
 through life. So, altogether, I think Verdant will do very well as he 
 is, and perhaps we'd better say no more ahout the matriculation." 
 
 But the rector would say more ; and he expressed his mind thus : 
 " It is not so much from what Verdant would learn in Latin and Greek, 
 and such things as make up a part of the education, that I advise your 
 sending him to a university ; but more from what he would gain by 
 mixing with a large body of young men of his own age, who represent 
 the best classes of a mixed society, and who may justly be taken as 
 fair samples of its feelings and talents. It is formation of character 
 that I regard as one of the greatest of the many great ends of a uni 
 versity system ; and if for this reason alone, I should advise you to 
 send your future country squire to college. Where else will he be 
 able to meet with so great a number of those of his own class, with 
 whom he will have to mix in the after changes of life, and for whose 
 feelings and tone a college-course will give him the proper key-note ? 
 Where else can he learn so quickly in three years, what other men 
 will perhaps be striving for through life, without attaining, that self- 
 reliance which will enable him to mix at ease in any society, and to feel 
 the equal of its members ? And, besides all this, and each of these 
 points in the education of a young man is, to my mind, a strong one, 
 where else could he be more completely * under tutors and gover 
 nors,' and more thoroughly under surveillance, than in a place where 
 college-laws are no respecters of persons, and seek to keep the wild 
 blood of youth within its due bounds ? There is something in the 
 very atmosphere of a university that seems to engender refined 
 thoughts and noble feelings; and lamentable indeed must be the 
 state of any young man who can pass through the three years of his 
 college residence, and bring away no higher aims, no worthier pur 
 poses, no better thoughts, from all the holy associations which have 
 been crowded around him. Such advantages as these are not to be 
 regarded with indifference ; and though they come in secondary ways, 
 and possess the mind almost imperceptibly, yet they are of primary 
 importance in the formation of character, and may mould it into the 
 more perfect man. And as long as I had the power, I would no 
 more think of depriving a child of mine of such good means towards 
 a good end, than I would of keeping him from any thing else that 
 was likely to improve his mind or affect his heart." 
 
 Mr. Larkyns put matters in a new light ; and Mr. Green began 
 to think that a university career might be looked at from more than 
 one point of view. But as old prejudices are not so easily overthrown 
 as the lath-and-plaster erections of mere newly-formed opinion, Mr. 
 Green was not yet won over by Mr. Larkyns' arguments. ' ' There was 
 my father," he said, " who was one of the worthiest and kindest men 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 living ; and I believe he never went to college, nor did he think it 
 necessary that I should go ; and I trust I'm no worse a man than 
 my father.*' 
 
 " Ah ! Green," replied the rector ; " the old argument ! But 
 you must not judge the present age by the past ; nor measure out 
 to your son the same degree of education that your father might 
 think sufficient for you. When you and I were boys, Green, these 
 things were thought of very differently to what they are in the pre 
 sent day ; and when your father gave you a respectable education at 
 a classical school, he did all that he thought was requisite to form 
 you into a country gentleman, and fit you for that station in life you 
 were destined to fill. But consider what a progressive age it is that 
 we live in ; and you will see that the standard of education has been 
 considerably raised since the days when you and I did the ' propria 
 quag maribus' together ; and that when he comes to mix in society, 
 more will be demanded of the son than was expected from the father. 
 And besides this, think in how many ways it will benefit Verdant to 
 send him to college. By mixing more in the world, and being called 
 upon to act and think for himself, he will gradually gain that experi 
 ence, without which a man cannot arm himself to meet the difficulties 
 that beset all of us, more or less, in the battle of life. He is just of 
 an age, when some change from the narrowed circle of home is ne 
 cessary. God forbid that I should ever speak in any but the highest 
 terms of the moral good it must do every young man to live under 
 his mother's watchful eye, and be ever in the company of pure-minded 
 sisters. Indeed I feel this more perhaps than many other parents 
 would, because my lad, from his earliest years, has been deprived of 
 such tender training, and cut off from such sweet society. But yet, 
 with all this high regard for such home influences, I put it to you, if 
 there will not grow up in the boy's mind, when he begins to draw 
 near to man's estate, a very weariness of all this, from its very same 
 ness ; a surfeiting, as it were, of all these delicacies, and a longing for 
 something to break the monotony of what will gradually become to 
 him a humdrum horse-in-the-mill kind of country life? And it is 
 just at this critical time that college life steps in to his aid. With 
 his new life a new light bursts upon his mind ; he finds that he is 
 not the little household-god he had fancied himself to be ; his word 
 is no longer the law of the Medes and Persians, as it was at home ; 
 he meets with none of those little flatteries from partial relatives, or 
 fawning servants, that were growing into a part of his existence ; but 
 he has to bear contradiction and reproof, to find himself only an 
 equal with others, when he can gain that equality by his own deserts; 
 and, in short, he daily progresses in that knowledge of himself, which, 
 from the gnothiseauton days down to our own, has been found to be 
 
12 THE ADVENTUBES OF ME. VERDANT GKEEN, 
 
 about the most useful of all knowledge ; for it gives a man stability 
 of character, and braces up his mental energies to a healthy enjoy 
 ment of the business of life. And so, Green, I would advise you, 
 above all things, to let Verdant go to college." 
 
 Much more did the rector say, not only on this occasion, but on 
 others ; and the more frequently he returned to the charge, the less 
 resistance were his arguments met with ; and the result was, that 
 Mr. Green was fully persuaded that a university was the proper 
 sphere for his son to move in. But it was not without many a pang 
 and much secret misgiving that Mrs. Green would consent to suffer 
 her beloved Verdant to run the risk of those dreadful contaminations 
 which she imagined would inevitably accompany every college career. 
 Indeed, she thought it an act of the greatest heroism (or, if you 
 object to the word, heroineism,) to be won over to say ' yes' to the 
 proposal ; and it was not until Miss Virginia had recited to her the 
 deeds of all the mothers of Greece and Rome who had suffered for 
 their children's sake, that Mrs. Green would consent to sacrifice her 
 maternal feelings at the sacred altar of duty. 
 
 When the point had been duly settled, that Mr. Verdant Green 
 was to receive a university education, the next question to be de 
 cided was, to which of the three Universities should he go ? To 
 Oxford, Cambridge, or Durham ? But this was a matter which was 
 soon determined upon. Mr. Green at once put Durham aside, on 
 account of its infancy, and its wanting the prestige that attaches to 
 the names of the two great Universities. Cambridge was treated 
 quite as summarily, because Mr. Green had conceived the notion 
 that nothing but mathematics were ever thought or talked of there ; 
 and as he himself had always had an abhorrence of them from his 
 youth up, when he was hebdomadally flogged for not getting-up his 
 weekly propositions, he thought that his son should be spared some 
 of the personal disagreeables that he himself had encountered ; for 
 Mr. Green remembered to have heard that the great Newton was 
 horsed during the time that he was a Cambridge undergraduate, and 
 he had a hazy idea that the same indignities were still practised 
 there. 
 
 But the circumstance that chiefly decided Mr. Green to choose 
 Oxford as the arena for Verdant's performances was, that he would 
 have a companion, and, as he hoped, a mentor, in the rector's son, 
 Mr. Charles Larkyns, who would not only be able to cheer him ou 
 his first entrance, but also would introduce him to select and quiet 
 friends, put him in the way of lectures, and initiate him into all the 
 mysteries of the place ; all which the rector professed his son would 
 be glad to do, and would be delighted to see his old friend and 
 playfellow within the classic walls of Alma Mater. 
 
AN OXFOKD FRESHMAN. IS 
 
 Oxford having been selected for the university, the next point to 
 be decided was the college. 
 
 " You cannot," said the rector, " find a much better college than 
 Brazenface, where my lad is. It always stands well in the class-list, 
 and keeps a good name with its tutors. There are a nice gentle 
 manly set of men there ; and I am proud to say, that my lad would 
 be able to introduce Verdant to some of the best. This will of 
 course be much to his advantage. And besides this, I am on very 
 intimate terms with Dr. Portman, the master of the college ; and, if 
 they should not happen to be very full, no doubt I could get Verdant 
 admitted at once. This too will be of advantage to him; for I 
 can tell you that there are secrets in all these matters, and that at 
 many colleges that I could name, unless you knew the principal, or 
 had some introduction or other potent spell to work with, your son's 
 name would have to remain on the books two or three years before 
 he could be entered ; and this, at Verdant's age, would be a serious 
 objection. At one or two of the colleges, indeed, this is almost neces 
 sary, under any circumstances, on account of the great number of 
 applicants ; but at Brazenface there is not this over-crowding ; and 
 I have no doubt, if I write to Dr. Portman, but what I can get rooms 
 for Verdant without much loss of time." 
 
 " Brazenface be it then ! " said Mr. Green, " and I am sure that 
 Verdant will enter there with very many advantages ; and the sooner 
 the better, so that he may ,->e the longer with Mr. Charles. But when 
 must his his what-d'ye<5nil4t, come off?" 
 
 " His matriculation?" repaed the rector. " Why, although it is not 
 usual for men to commence residence at the time of their matricula 
 tion, still it is sometimes done. And as my lad will, if all goes on 
 well, be leaving Oxford next year, perhaps it would be better, on that 
 account, that Verdant should enter upon his residence as soon as he 
 has matriculated." 
 
 Mr. Green thought so too ; and Verdant, upon being appealed to, 
 had no objection to this course, or, indeed, to any other that was de 
 cided to be necessary for him ; though it must be confessed, that he 
 secretly shared somewhat of his mother's feelings as he looked forward 
 into the blank and uncertain prospect of his college life. Like a good 
 and dutiful son, however, his father's wishes were law; and he no 
 more thought of opposing them, than he did of discovering the north 
 pole, or paying off the national debt. 
 
 So all this being duly settled, and Mrs. Green being entirely won 
 over to the proceeding, the rector at once wrote to Dr. Portman, and 
 in due time received a reply to the effect, that they were very full at 
 Brazenface, but that luckily there was one set of rooms which would 
 be vacant at the commencement of the Easter term ; at which time 
 he should be very glad to see the gentleman his friend spoke of. 
 
CQ 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 CHAPTER HI. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN LEAVES THE HOME OF HIS ANCESTORS. 
 
 THE time till Easter passed very quickly, for much had to be done 
 in it. Verdant read up most desperately for his matriculation, asso 
 ciating that initiatory examination with the most dismal visions of 
 plucking, and other college tortures. 
 
 His mother was laying in for him a new stock of linen, sufficient 
 in quantity to provide him for years of emigration ; while his father 
 was busying himself about the plate that it was requisite to take, buy 
 ing it bran-new, and of the most solid silver, and having it splendidly 
 engraved with the family crest, and the motto " Semper virens." 
 
 Infatuated Mr. Green ! If you could have foreseen that those 
 spoons and forks would have soon passed, by a mysterious system 
 of loss which undergraduate powers can never fathom, into the pro 
 perty of Mr. Robert Filcher, the excellent, though occasionally erratic, 
 scout of your beloved son, and from thence have melted, not " into- 
 thin air,'* but into a residuum whose mass might be expressed by 
 the equivalent of coins of a thin and golden description, if you 
 could but have foreseen this, then, infatuated but affectionate parent, 
 you would have been content to have let your son and heir represent 
 the ancestral wealth by mere electro-plate, albata, or any sham that 
 would equally well have served his purpose ! 
 
 As for Miss Virginia Verdant, and the other woman portion of 
 the Green community, they fully occupied their time until the day 
 of separation came, by elaborating articles of feminine workmanship, 
 as souvenirs, by which dear Verdant might, in the land of the 
 strangers, recall visions of home. These were presented to him with 
 all due state on the morning of the day previous to that on which 
 he was to leave the home of his ancestors. 
 
 All the articles were useful as well as ornamental. There was 
 a purse from Helen, which, besides being a triumph of art in the way 
 of bead decoration, was also, it must be allowed, a very useful present, 
 unless one happened to carry one's riches in a porte-monnaie. There 
 was a pair of braces from Mary, worked with an ecclesiastical pattern 
 of a severe character, very appropriate for academical wear, and 
 extremely effective for all occasions when the coat had to be taken off 
 in public. And there was a watch-pocket from Fanny, to hang over 
 Verdant's night-capped head, and serve as a depository for the golden 
 mechanical turnip that had been handed down in the family, as a 
 watch, for the last three generations. And there was a pair of woollen 
 
16 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GKEEN, 
 
 comforters knit by Miss Virginia's own fair hands ; and there were 
 other woollen articles of domestic use, which were contributed by 
 Mrs. Green for her son's personal comfort. To these, Miss Virginia 
 thoughtfully added an infallible recipe for the toothache, an inflic 
 tion to which she was a martyr, and for the general relief of which 
 in others she constituted herself a species of toothache missionary ; 
 for, as she said, " You might, my dear Verdant, be seized with that 
 painful disease, and not have me by your side to cure it :" which it 
 was very probable he would not, if college rules were strictly car 
 ried out at Brazenface. 
 
 All these articles were presented to Mr. Verdant Green with 
 many speeches and great ceremony; while Mr. Green stood by, 
 and smiled benignantly upon the scene, and his son beamed through 
 his glasses (which his defective sight obliged him constantly to wear) 
 with the most serene aspect. 
 
 :tf 
 
 It was altogether a great day of preparation, and one which it 
 was well for the constitution of the household did not happen very 
 often ; for the house was reduced to that summerset condition usually 
 known in domestic parlance as " upside down." Mr. Verdant Green 
 personally superintended the packing of his goods ; a performance 
 which was only effected by the united strength of the establishment. 
 Butler, Footman, Coachman, Lady's-maid, Housemaid, and Buttons 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 17 
 
 were all pressed into the service ; and the coachman, being a man of 
 some weight, was found to be of great use in effecting a junction of the 
 locks and hasps of over-filled book-boxes. It was astonishing to see 
 all the amount of literature that Mr. Verdant Green was about to 
 convey to the seat of learning : there was enough to stock a small Bod 
 leian. As the owner stood with his hands behind him, placidly sur 
 veying the scene of preparation, a meditative spectator might have 
 possibly compared him to the hero of the engraving " Moses going to 
 the fair," that was then hanging just over his head ; for no one could 
 have set out for the great Oxford booth of this Vanity Fair with 
 more simplicity and trusting confidence than Mr. Verdant Green. 
 
 When the trunks had at last been packed, they were then, by 
 the thoughtful suggestion of Miss Virginia, provided each with a 
 canvas covering, after the manner of the luggage of females, and 
 
 labelled with large direction-cards filled with the most ample par 
 ticulars concerning their owner and his destination. 
 
 It had been decided that Mr. Verdant Green, instead of reaching 
 Oxford by rail, should make his entree behind the four horses that 
 drew the Birmingham and Oxford coach ; one of the few four-horse 
 coaches that still ran for any distance ;* and which, as the more plea 
 sant means of conveyance, was generally patronised by Mr. Charles 
 Larkyns in preference to the rail ; for the coach passed within three 
 miles of the Manor Green, whereas the nearest railway was at a 
 much greater distance, and could not be so conveniently reached. 
 Mr. Green had determined upon accompanying Verdant to Oxford, 
 that he might have the satisfaction of seeing him safely landed there, 
 and might also himself form an acquaintance with a city of which 
 he had heard so much, and which would be doubly interesting to him 
 now that his son was enrolled a member of its University. Their 
 seats had been secured a fortnight previous ; for the rector had told 
 Mr. Green that so many men went up by the coach, that unless he 
 
 * This well-known coach ceased to run between Birmingham and Oxford in 
 the last week of August 1852, on the opening of the Birmingham and Oxford 
 
18 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 made an early application, he would altogether fail in obtaining 
 places ; so a letter had been dispatched to " the Swan" coach-office 
 at Birmingham, from which place the coach started, and two out 
 side seats had been put at Mr. Green's disposal. 
 
 The day at length arrived, when Mr. Verdant Green for the first 
 time in his life (on any important occasion) was to leave the paternal 
 roof; and it must be confessed that it was a proceeding which caused 
 him some anxiety, and that he was not sorry when the carriage was 
 at the door to bear him away, before (shall it be confessed ?) his 
 tears had got the mastery over him. As it was, by the judicious 
 help of his sisters, he passed the Rubicon in courageous style, and 
 went through the form of breakfast with the greatest hilarity, although 
 with several narrow escapes of suffocation from choking. The thought 
 
 that he was going to be an Oxford MAN fortunately assisted him in 
 the preservation of that tranquil dignity and careless ease which he 
 considered to be the necessary adjuncts of the manly character, 
 more especially as developed in that peculiar biped he was about 
 to be transformed into ; and Mr. Verdant Green was enabled to say 
 *' Good-by" with a firm voice and undimmed spectacles. 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAX. 19 
 
 All crowded to the door to have a last shake of the hand ; the 
 maid-servants peeped from the upper windows ; and Miss Virginia 
 sobbed out a blessing, which was rendered of a striking and original 
 character by being mixed up with instructions never to forget what 
 she had taught him in his Latin grammar, and always to be careful 
 to guard against the toothache. Arid amid the good-byes and 
 write-oftens that usually accompany a departure, the carriage rolled 
 down the avenue to the lodge, where was Mr. Mole the gardener, 
 and also Mrs. Mole, and, moreover, the Mole olive-branches, all 
 gathered at the open gate to say farewell to the young master. 
 And just as they were about to mount the hill leading out of the 
 village, who should be there but the rector lying in wait for them 
 and ready to walk up the hill by their side, and say a few kindly 
 words at parting. Well might Mr. Verdant Green begin to regard 
 himself as the topic of the village, and think that going to Oxford 
 was really an affair of some importance. 
 
 They were in good time for the coach; and the ringing notes of 
 the guard's bugle made them aware of its approach some time before 
 they saw it rattling merrily along in its cloud of dust. What a sight 
 it was when it did come near ! The cloud that had enveloped it 
 was discovered to be not dust only, but smoke from the cigars, meer 
 schaums, and short clay pipes of a full complement of gentlemen . 
 passengers, scarcely one of whom seemed to have passed his twen 
 tieth year. No bonnet betokening a female traveller could be seen 
 either inside or out ; and that lady was indeed lucky who escaped 
 being an inside passenger on the following day. Nothing but a lapse 
 of time, or the complete re-lining of the coach, could purify it from 
 the attacks of the four gentlemen who were now doing their best to- 
 convert it into a divan ; and the consumption of tobacco on that day 
 between Birmingham and Oxford must have materially benefited the 
 revenue. The passengers were not limitted to the two-legged ones, 
 there were four-footed ones also. Sporting dogs, fancy dogs, uglj 
 dogs, rat-killing dogs, short-haired dogs, long-haired dogs, dogs lik< 
 muffs, dogs like mops, dogs of all colours and of all breeds and sizes, 
 appeared thrusting out their black noses from all parts of the coach, 
 Portmanteaus were piled upon the roof; gun-boxes peeped out sus 
 piciously here and there ; bundles of sticks, canes, foils, fishing-rods, 
 and whips, appeared strapped together in every direction ; while all 
 round about the coach, 
 
 Like a swarth Indian with his belt of beads," 
 
 hat-boxes dangled in leathery profusion. The Oxford coach on an 
 occasion like this was a sight to be remembered. 
 
 A " Wo-ho-ho, my beauties 1'* brought the smoking wheelecf 
 
20 THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GSEEN, 
 
 upon their haunches ; and Jehu, saluting with his elbow and whip 
 finger, called out in the husky voice peculiar to a dram-drinker, " Are 
 you the two houtside gents for Hoxfut ?" To which Mr. Green re 
 plied in the affirmative ; and while the luggage (the canvas-covered, 
 ladylike look of which was such a contrast to that of the other pas 
 sengers) was being quickly transferred to the coach-top, he and Ver 
 dant ascended to the places reserved for them behind the coachman. 
 Mr. Green saw at a glance that all the passengers were Oxford 
 men, dressed in every variety of Oxford fashion, and exhibiting a 
 pleasing diversity of Oxford manners. Their private remarks on 
 the two new-comers were, like stage " asides," perfectly audible. 
 
 " Decided case of governor !" said one. 
 
 " Undoubted ditto of freshman !" observed another. 
 
 " Looks ferociously mild in his gig-lamps !" remarked a third, 
 alluding to Mr. Verdant Green's spectacles. 
 
 " And jolly green all over !" wound up a fourth. 
 
 Mr. Green, hearing his name (as he thought) mentioned, turned 
 to the small young gentleman who had spoken, and politely said, 
 " Yes, my name is Green; but you have the advantage of me, sir." 
 
 " Oh ! have I ?" replied the young gentleman in the most affable 
 manner, and not in the least disconcerted ; " my name's Bouncer j 
 I remember seeing you when I was a babby. How's the old wo 
 man ?" And without waiting to hear Mr. Green loftily reply, " Mrs. 
 Green my WIFE, sir is quite well and I do NOT remember to 
 have seen you, or ever heard your name, sir !" little Mr. Bouncer 
 made some most unearthly noises on a post-horn as tall as himself, 
 which he had brought for the delectation of himself and his friends, 
 and the alarm of every village they passed through. 
 
 " Never mind the dog, sir," said the gentleman who sat between 
 Mr. Bouncer and Mr. Green ; " he won't hurt you. It's only his 
 play ; he always takes notice of strangers." 
 
 " But he is tearing my trousers," expostulated Mr. Green, who 
 was by no means partial to the " play" of a thorough-bred terrier. 
 
 " Ah ! he's an uncommon sensible dog," observed his master ; 
 " he's always on the look-out for rats every where. It's the Wel 
 lington boots that does it ; he's accustomed to have a rat put into a 
 boot, and he worries it out how he can. I daresay he thinks you've 
 got one in yours." 
 
 " But I've got nothing of the sort, sir ; and I must request you 
 to keep your dog " A violent fit of coughing, caused by a well- 
 directed volley of smoke from his neighbour's lips, put a stop to Mr. 
 Green's expostulations. 
 
 " I hope my weed is no annoyance ?" said the gentleman ; ** if 
 it is, I will throw it away." 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 21 
 
 To which piece of politeness Mr. Green could, of course, only 
 reply, between fits of coughing, " Not in the least, I assure you, I 
 am very fond of tobacco in the open air." 
 
 " Then I daresay you'll do as we are doing, and smoke a weed 
 yourself," said the gentleman, as he offered Mr. Green a plethoric 
 cigar-case. But Mr. Green's expression of approbation regarding 
 tobacco was simply theoretical ; so he treated his neighbour's offer 
 as magazine editors do the MSS. of unknown contributors it was 
 " declined with thanks." 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green had already had to make a similar reply to 
 a like proposal on the part of his left-hand neighbour, who was now 
 expressing violent admiration for our hero's top-coat. 
 
 " Ain't that a good style of coat, Charley ?" he observed to his 
 neighbour. " I wish I'd seen it before I got this over-coat ! There's 
 something sensible about a real, unadulterated top-coat ; and there's 
 a style in the way in which they've let down the skirts, and put on 
 the velvet collar and cuffs regardless of expense, that really quite goes 
 to one's heart. Now I daresay the man that built that," he said, more 
 particularly addressing the owner of the coat, " condescends to live in 
 a village, and waste his sweetness on the desert air, while a noble 
 field might be found for his talent in a University town. That coat 
 will make quite a sensation in Oxford. Won't it, Charley ?" 
 
 And when Charley, quoting a popular actor (totally unknown to 
 our hero), said, " I believe you, my bo-oy !" Mr. Verdant Green 
 began to feel quite proud of the abilities of their village tailor, and 
 thought what two delightful companions he had met with. The rest 
 of the journey further cemented (as he thought) their friendship ; so 
 that he was fairly astonished when, on meeting them the next day, 
 they stared him full in the face, and passed on without taking any 
 more notice of him. But freshmen cannot learn the mysteries of 
 college etiquette in a day. 
 
 However, we are anticipating. They had not yet got to Oxford, 
 though, from the pace at which they were going, it appeared as if 
 they would soon reach there ; for the coachman had given up his 
 seat and the reins to the box-passenger, who appeared to be as used 
 to the business as the coachman himself; and he was now driving 
 them, not only in a most scientific manner, but also at a great pace. 
 Mr. Green was not particularly pleased with the change in the four- 
 wheeled government ; but when they went down a hill at a quick trot, 
 the heavy luggage making the coach rock to and fro with the speed, 
 his fears increased painfully. They culminated as the trot increased 
 into a canter, and then broke into a gallop as they swept along the 
 level road at the bottom of the hill, and rattled up the rise of another. 
 As the horses walked over the brow of the hill, with smoking flanks 
 
22 ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 and jingling harness, Mr. Green recovered sufficient breath to expos 
 tulate with the coachman for suffering " a mere lad," he was about 
 to say, but fortunately checked himself in time, for suffering any 
 one else than the regular driver to have the charge of the coach. 
 
 " You never fret yourself about that, sir," replied the man ; " I 
 knows my bis'ness, as well as my dooties to self and purprietors, and 
 I'd never go for to give up the ribbins to any party but wot had 
 showed hisself fitted to 'andle 'em. And I think I may say this for 
 the genelman as has got 'em now, that he's fit to be fust vip to the 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 23 
 
 Queen herself ; and I'm proud to call him my poople. Why, sir,-- - 
 if his honour here will pardon me for makin' so free, this 'ere gent 
 is Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, of which you must have heerd on." 
 
 Mr. Green replied that he had not had that pleasure. 
 
 " Ah ! a pleasure you may call it, sir, with parfect truth," replied 
 the coachman ; "but, lor bless me, sir, weer can you have lived?" 
 
 The "poople" who had listened to this, highly amused, slightly 
 turned his head, and said to Mr. Green, " Pray don't feel any alarm, 
 sir ; I believe you are quite safc under my guidance. This is not the 
 first time by many that I have driven this coach, not to mention 
 others ; and you may conclude that I should not have gained the 
 sobriquet to which my worthy friend has alluded without having 
 some pretensions to a knowledge of the art of driving." 
 
 Mr. Green murmured his apologies for his mistrust, expressed 
 perfect faith in Mr. Fosbrooke's skill and then lapsed into silent 
 meditation on the various arts and sciences in which the gentlemen 
 of the University of Oxford seemed to be most proficient, and pic 
 tured to himself what would be his feelings if he ever came to see 
 Verdant driving a coach ! There certainly did not appear to be 
 much probability of such an event; but can any paterfamilias say 
 what even the most carefully brought up young Hopeful will do 
 when he has arrived at years of indiscretion ? 
 
 Altogether, Mr. Green did not particularly enjoy the journey. 
 Besides the dogs and. cigars, which to him were equal nuisances, little 
 Mr. Bouncer was perpetually producing unpleasant post-horn effects, 
 which he called " sounding his octaves," and destroying the effect 
 of the airs on the guard's key-bugle, by joining in them at improper 
 times and with discordant measures. Mr. Green, too, could not but 
 perceive that the majority of the conversation that was addressed to 
 himself and his son (though more particularly to the latter), although 
 couched in politest 'form, was yet of a tendency calculated to " draw 
 them out" for the amusement of their fellow-passengers. He also 
 observed that the young gentlemen severally exhibited great capacity 
 for the beer of Bass and the porter of Guinness, and were not averse 
 even to liquids of a more spirituous description. Moreover, Mr. 
 Green remarked that the ministering Hebes were invariably ad 
 dressed by their Christian names, and were familiarly conversed 
 with as old acquaintances ; most of them receiving direct offers of 
 marriage, or the option of putting up the banns on any Sunday 
 in the middle of the week ; while the inquiries after their grand 
 mothers and the various members of their family circles were both 
 numerous and gratifying. In all these verbal encounters little Mr. 
 Bouncer particularly distinguished himself. 
 
 Woodstock was reached : " Four-in-hand Fosbrooke" gave up 
 
24 TEE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 the reins to the professional Jehu ; and at last the towers, spires, 
 and domes of Oxford appeared in sight. The first view of the City 
 of Colleges is always one that will be long remembered. Even the 
 railway traveller, who enters by the least imposing approach, and 
 can scarcely see that he is in Oxford before he has reached Folly 
 Bridge, must yet regard the city with mingled feelings of delight 
 and surprise as he looks across the Christ Church Meadows and 
 rolls past the Tom Tower. But he who approaches Oxford from 
 the Henley Road, and looks upon that unsurpassed prospect from 
 Magdalen Bridge, or he who enters the city, as Mr. Green did, 
 from the Woodstock Road, and rolls down the shady avenue of 
 St. Giles', between St. John's College and the Taylor Buildings, 
 and pass the graceful Martyrs' Memorial, will receive impressions 
 such as probably no other city in the world could convey. 
 
 As the coach clattered down the Corn-market, and turned the 
 corner by Carfax into High Street, Mr. Bouncer, having been com 
 pelled, in deference to University scruples, to lay aside his post-horn, 
 was consoling himself by chanting the following words, selected pro 
 bably in compliment to Mr. Verdant Green : 
 
 " To Oxford, a Freshman so modest, 
 I enter'd one morning in March ; 
 And the figure I cut was the oddest 
 All spectacles, choker, and starch. 
 
 Whack fol lol, lol iddity, &c. 
 
 From the top of ' the Royal Defiance/ 
 
 Jack Adams, who coaches so well, 
 Set me down in these regions of science, 
 
 In front of the Mitre Hotel. 
 
 Whack fol lol, lol iddity, &c. 
 
 * Sure never man's prospects were brighter,' 
 
 I said, as I jumped from my perch ; 
 
 * So quickly arrived at the Mitre, 
 
 Oh, I'm sure to get on in the Church !' 
 
 Whack fol lol, lol iddity, &c." 
 
 By the time Mr. Bouncer finished these words, the coach appro 
 priately drew up at the " Mitre," and the passengers tumbled off 
 amid a knot of gownsmen collected on the pavement to receive them. 
 But no sooner were Mr. Green and our hero set down, than they 
 were attacked by a horde of the aborigines of Oxford, who, know 
 ing by vulture-like sagacity the aspect of a freshman and his gover 
 nor, swooped down upon them in the guise of impromptu porters, 
 and made an indiscriminate attack upon the luggage. It was only 
 by the display of the greatest presence of mind that Mr. Verdant 
 Green recovered his effects, and prevented his canvas-covered boxes 
 from being carried off in the wheel-barrows that were trundling off 
 in all directions to the various colleges. 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 Pit IM I 
 
 25 
 
 But at last all were safely secured. And soon, when a snug 
 dinner had been discussed in a quiet room, and a bottle of the famous 
 
28 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 (though I have heard some call it " in -famous") Oxford port had been 
 produced, Mr. Green, under its kindly influence, opened his heart to 
 his son, and gave him much advice as to his forthcoming University 
 career ; being, of course, well calculated to do this from his intimate 
 acquaintance with the subject. 
 
 Whether it was the extra glass of port, or whether it was the 
 nature of his father's discourse, or whether it was the novelty of his 
 situation, or whether it was all these circumstances combined, yet 
 certain it was that Mr. Verdant Green's first night in Oxford was 
 distinguished by a series, or rather contusion, of most remarkable 
 dreams, in which bishops, archbishops, and hobgoblins elbowed one 
 
 
 another for precedence ; a beneficent female crowned him with laurel, 
 while Fame lustily proclaimed the honours he had received, and un 
 rolled the class-list in which his name had first rank. 
 
 Sweet land of visions, that will with such ease confer even a 
 treble first upon the weary sleeper, why must he awake from thy 
 gentle thraldom, to find the class-list a stern reality, and Graduate- 
 ship too often but an empty dream ! 
 
AN OXFORD FBESHMAW. 27 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 MB. VERDANT GEEEN BECOMES AN OXFOED UNDEEGEADUATE. 
 
 ME. VEEDANT GEEEN arose in the morning more or less refreshed ; 
 and after breakfast proceeded with his father to Brazenface College 
 to call upon the Master ; the porter directed them where to go, and 
 they sent up their cards. Dr. Portman was at home, and they were 
 soon introduced to his presence. 
 
 Instead of the stern, imposing-looking personage that Mr. Verdant 
 Green had expected to see in the ruler among dons, and the terror of 
 offending undergraduates, the master of Brazenface was a mild-look 
 ing old gentleman, with an inoffensive amiability of expression and a 
 shy, retiring manner that seemed to intimate that he was more alarmed 
 at the strangers than they had need to be at him. Dr. Portman 
 seemed to be quite a part of his college, for he had passed the greatest 
 portion of his life there. He had graduated there, he had taken 
 Scholarships there, he had even gained a prize-poem there ; he had 
 been elected a Fellow there, he had become a Tutor there, he had been 
 Proctor and College Dean there ; there, during the long vacations, he- 
 had written his celebrated " Disquisition on the Greek Particles," 
 afterwards published in eight octavo volumes ; and finally, there he 
 had been elected Master of his college, in which office,' honoured and 
 respected, he appeared likely to end his days. He was unmarried ; per 
 haps he had never found time to think of a wife ; perhaps he had never 
 had the courage to propose for one ; perhaps he had met with early 
 crosses and disappointments, and had shrined in his heart a fair image 
 that should never be displaced. Who knows ? for dons are mortals, 
 and have been undergraduates once. 
 
 The little hair he had was of a silvery white, although his eye 
 brows retained their black hue ; and to judge from the fine fresh- 
 coloured features and the dark eyes that were now nervously twink 
 ling upon Mr. Green, Dr. Portman must, in his more youthful days, 
 have had an ample share of good looks. He was dressed in an old- 
 fashioned reverend suit of black, with knee-breeches and gaiters, and 
 a massive watch-seal dangling from under his waistcoat, and was deep 
 in the study of his favourite particles. He received our hero and 
 his father both nervously and graciously, and bade them be seated. 
 
 " I shall al-ways," he said, in monosyllabic tones, as though he 
 were reading out of a child's primer, "I shall al-ways be glad to see 
 any of the young friends of my old col-lege friend Lar-kyns ; and I 
 
28 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 do re-joice to be a-ble to serve you, Mis-ter Green ; and I hope your 
 son, Mis-ter, Mis-ter Vir Vir-gin-ius," 
 
 " Verdant, Dr. Portman," interrupted Mr. Green, suggestively, 
 " Verdant." 
 
 " Oh ! true, true, true ! and I do hope that he will be a ve-ry 
 good young man, and try to do hon-our to his col-lege." 
 
 " I trust he will, indeed, sir," replied Mr. Green ; " it is the 
 great wish of my heart. And I am sure that you will find my son 
 both quiet and orderly in his conduct, regular in his duties, and always 
 in bed by ten o'clock." 
 
 " Well, I hope so too, Mis-ter Green," said Dr. Portman, mono- 
 syllabically ; " but all the young gen-tle-men do pro-mise to be reg-u- 
 lar and or-der-ly when they first come up, but a term makes a great 
 dif-fer-ence. But I dare say my young friend Mis-ter Vir-gin-ius," 
 
 " Verdant," smilingly suggested Mr. Green. 
 
 " I beg your par-don," apologised Dr. Portman; " but I dare 
 say that he will do as you say, for in-deed my friend Lar-kyns speaks 
 well of him." 
 
 " I am delighted proud !" murmured Mr. Green, while Ver 
 dant felt himself blushing up to his spectacles. 
 
 " We are ve-ry full," Dr. Portman went on to say, " but as I do 
 
 ex-pect great things from Mis-ter Vir-gin Verdant, Verdant, I 
 
 have put some rooms at his ser-vice ; and if you would like to see 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 29 
 
 them, my ser-vant shall show you the way." The servant was ac 
 cordingly summoned, and received orders to that effect ; while the 
 Master told Verdant that he must, at two o'clock, present himself to 
 Mr. Slowcoach, his tutor, who would examine him for his matricu 
 lation. 
 
 " I am sor-ry, Mis-ter Green," said Dr. Portman, " that my en- 
 gage-ments will pre-vent me from ask-ing you and Mis-ter Virg 
 Ver-dant, to dine with me to-day ; but I do hope that the next time 
 you come to Ox-ford I shall be more for-tu-nate." 
 
 Old John, the Common-room man, who had heard this speech 
 made to hundreds of " governors" through many generations of fresh 
 men, could not repress a few pantomimic asides, that were suggestive 
 of any thing but full credence in his master's words. But Mr. Green 
 was delighted with Dr. Portman's affability, and perceiving that the 
 interview was at an end, made his conge, and left the Master of Brazen- 
 face to his Greek particles. 
 
 They had just got outside, when the servant said, " Oh, there 
 is the scout 1 Your scout, sir 1" at which our hero blushed from the 
 consciousness of his new dignity ; and, by way of appearing at his ease, 
 inquired the scout's name. 
 
30 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VEBDANT GKEEX, 
 
 " Robert Filcher, sir," replied the servant ; " but the gentl?oien 
 always call ''ein by their Christian names." And beckoning the scout 
 to him, he bade him show the gentlemen to the rooms kept for Mi , 
 Verdant Green ; and then took himself back to the Master. 
 
 Mr. Robert Filcher might perhaps have been forty years of age,, 
 perhaps fifty ; there was cunning enough in his face to fill even a cen 
 tury of wily years ; and there was a depth of expression in his look, as 
 he asked our hero if he was Mr. Verdant Green, that proclaimed his- 
 custom of reading a freshman at a glance. Mr. Filcher was laden 
 with coats and boots that had just been brushed and blacked for their 
 respective masters ; and he was bearing a jug of Buttery ale (they 
 are renowned for their ale at Brazenface) to the gentleman who owned 
 the pair of " tops" that were now flashing in the sun as they dangled 
 from the scout's hand. 
 
 " Please to follow me, gentlemen," he said ; " it's only just across 
 the quad. Third floor, No. 4 staircase, fust quad ; that's about the 
 mark, / think, sir." 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green glanced curiously round the Quadrangle, with 
 its picturesque irregularity of outline, its towers and turrets and battle 
 ments, its grey time-eaten walls, its rows of mullioned heavy-headed 
 windows, and the quiet cloistered air that spoke of study and reflec 
 tion ; and perceiving on one side, a row of large windows, with great 
 buttresses between, and a species of steeple on the high-pitched roof, 
 he made bold (just to try the effect) to address Mr. Filcher by the 
 name assigned to him at an early period of his life by his godfathers 
 and godmothers, and inquired if that building was the chapel. 
 
 "No, sir," replied- Robert, " that there's the 'All, sir, that is, 
 where you dines, sir, leastways when you ain't ' ^ger,' or elseweer. 
 That at the top is the lantern, sir, that is ; called so because it never 
 has no candle in it. The chapel's the hopposite side, sir. Please 
 not to walk on the grass, sir ; there's a fine agin it, unless you're a 
 Master. This way if you please, gentlemen P Thus the scout be 
 guiled them, as he led them to an open doorway with a large 4 
 painted over it ; inside was a door on either hand, while a coal-bin 
 displayed its black face from under a staircase that rose immediately 
 before them. Up this they went, following the scout (who had van 
 ished for a moment with the boots and beer) ; and when they had 
 passed the first floor, they found the ascent by no means easy to the 
 body or pleasant to the sight. The once white-washed walls were 
 coated with the uncleansed dust of the three past terms ; and where 
 the plaster had not been chipped off by flying porter-bottles or the 
 heels of Wellington boots, its surface had afforded an irresistible 
 temptation to those imaginative undergraduates who displayed their 
 artistic genius in candle-smoke cartoons of the heads of the Universi- 
 sity, and other popular and unpopular characters. All Mr. Green's 
 
AN OXFOED FBESHMAN. 
 
 31 
 
 caution, as he crept up the dark, twisting staircase, could not prevent 
 him from crushing his hat against the low, eobwebbed ceiling, and he 
 
 gave vent to a very strong but quiet anathema, which glided quietly 
 and audibly into the remark, " Confounded awkward staircase, I 
 think !" 
 
 " Just what Mr. Bouncer says," replied the scout, " although he 
 don't reach so high as you, sir ; but he do say, sir, when he conies 
 home pleasant at night from some wine-party, that it is the aukardest 
 staircase as was ever put before a gentleman's legs. And he did go 
 so far, sir, as to ask the Master, if it wouldn't be better to have a 
 staircase as would go up of hisself, and take the gentlemen up with 
 it, like one as they has at some public show in London the Call-and 
 see-em, I think he said." 
 
 " The Colosseum, probably," suggested Mr. Green. "And what 
 did Dr. Portman say to that, pray ?" 
 
 " Why he said, sir, leastways so Mr. Bouncer reported, that 
 it wom't by no means a bad idea, and that p'raps Mr. Bouncer'd find 
 it done in six months' time, when he come back again from the country. 
 For you see, sir, Mr. Bouncer had made hisself so pleasant, that he'd 
 been and got the porter out o' bed, and corked his face dreadful ; and 
 then, sir, he'd been and got a Hinn-board from somewhere out of the 
 town, and hung it on the Master'o private door : so that when they 
 
32 THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 went to early chapel in the morning, they read as how the Master 
 was ' licensed to sell beer by retail,' and * to be drunk on the pre 
 mises.' So when the Master came to know who it was as did it, 
 which in course the porter told him, he said as how Mr. Bouncer 
 had better go down into the country for a year, for change of hair, 
 and to visit his friends." 
 
 " Very kind indeed of Dr. Portman," said our hero, who missed 
 the moral of the story, and took the rustication for a kind forgiveness 
 of injuries. 
 
 " Just what Mr. Bouncer said, sir," replied the scout, " he said 
 it were pertickler kind and thoughtful. This is his room, sir ; he 
 come up on'y yesterday." And he pointed to a door, above which 
 was painted in white letters on a black ground, " BOUNCER." 
 
 " Why," said Mr. Green to his son, " now I think of it, Bouncer 
 was the name of that short young gentleman who came with us on 
 the coach yesterday, and made himself so so unpleasant with a tin 
 horn." 
 
 " That's the gent, sir," observed the scout ; " that's Mr. Bouncer, 
 agoing the complete unicorn, as he calls it. I dare say you'll find 
 him a pleasant neighbour, sir. Your rooms is next to his." 
 
 With some doubts of these prospective pleasures, the Mr. Greens, 
 pere etfils, entered through a double door painted over the outside 
 with the name of" SMALLS ;" to which Mr. Filcher directed our hero's 
 attention by saying, " You can have that name took out, sir, and 
 your own name painted in. Mr. Smalls has just moved hisself to 
 the other quad, and that's why the rooms is vacant, sir." 
 
 Mr. Filcher then went on to point out the properties and capa 
 bilities of the rooms, and also their mechanical contrivances. 
 
 " This is the hoak, this 'ere outer door is, sir, which the gentle 
 men sports, that is to say, shuts, sir, when they're a readin'. Not as 
 Mr. Smalls ever hinterfered with his constitootion by too much 'ard 
 study sir ; he only sported his hoak when people used to get trouble 
 some about their little bills. Here's a place for coals, sir, though 
 Mr. Smalls, he kept his bull-terrier there, which was agin the regu 
 lations, as you know, sir." (Verdant nodded his head, as though ho 
 were perfectly aware of the fact.) " This ere's your bed-room, sir. 
 Very small, did you say, sir ? Oh, no, sir ; not by no means ! We 
 thinks that in college reether a biggish bed-room, sir. Mr. Smalls 
 thought so, sir, and he's in his second year, he is." (Mr. Filcher 
 thoroughly understood the science of " flooring" a freshman.) 
 
 " This is my room, sir, this is, for keepin' your cups and saucers, 
 and wine-glasses and tumblers, and them sort o' things, and washin* 
 'em up when you wants 'em. If you likes to keep your, wine and 
 sperrits here, sir Mr. Smalls always did you'll find it a nice cool 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 33 
 
 place, sir: or else here's this 'ere winder-seat; you see, sir, it opens 
 with a lid, 'andy for the purpose." 
 
 " If you act upon that suggestion, Verdant," remarked Mr. Green 
 aside to his son, " I trust that a lock will be added." 
 
 There was not a superfluity of furniture in the room ; and Mr. 
 Smalls having conveyed away the luxurious part of it, that which 
 was left had more of the useful than the ornamental character ; but 
 as Mr. Verdant Green was no Sybarite, this point was but of little 
 consequence. The window looked with a sunny aspect down upon 
 the quad, and over the opposite buildings were seen the spires of 
 churches, the dome of the Radclifte, and the gables, pinnacles, and 
 turrets of other colleges. This was pleasant enough : pleasanter than 
 the stale odours of the Virginian weed that rose from the faded green 
 window-curtains, and from the old Kidderminster carpet that had 
 been charred and burnt into holes with the fag-ends of cigars. 
 
 " Well, Verdant," said Mr. Green, when they had completed 
 their inspection, " the rooms are not so very bad, and I think you 
 may be able to make yourself comfortable in them. But I wish they 
 were not so high up. I don't see how you can escape if a fire was 
 to break out, and I am afraid collegians must be very careless on 
 these points. Indeed, your mother made me promise that I would 
 speak to Dr. Portman about it, and ask him to please to allow your 
 tutor, or somebody, to see that your fire was safely raked out at 
 night ; and I had intended to have done so, but somehow it quite 
 
 ft 
 
34 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 escaped me. How your mother and all at home would like to see 
 you in your own college room ! " And the thoughts of father and 
 son flew back to the Manor Green and its occupants, who were 
 doubtless at the same time thinking of them. 
 
 Mr. Filcher then explained the system of thirds, by which the 
 furniture of the room was to be paid 
 for ; and, having accompanied his future 
 master and Mr. Green downstairs, the 
 latter accomplishing the descent not 
 without difficulty and contusions, and 
 having pointed out the way to Mr. Slow 
 coach's rooms, Mr. Robert Filcher re 
 lieved his feelings by indulging in a 
 ballet of action, or pas dextase; in 
 which poetry of motion he declared his 
 joy at the last valuable addition to Bra- 
 zenface, and his own perquisites. 
 
 Mr. Slowcoach was within, and would 
 see Mr. Verdant Green. So that young 
 gentleman, trembling with agitation, and 
 feeling as though he would have given 
 pounds for the staircase to have been 
 as high as that of Babel, followed the 
 servant upstairs, and left his father, in 
 almost as great a state of nervousness, 
 pacing the quad below. But it was not 
 
 the formidable affair, nor was Mr. Slowcoach the formidable man, 
 that Mr. Verdant Green had anticipated ; and by the time that he 
 had turned a piece of Spectator into Latin, our hero had some- 
 vvhat recovered his usual equanimity of mind and serenity of ex 
 pression: and the construing of half a dozen lines of Livy and Homer, 
 and the answering of a few questions, was a mere form ; for Mr. 
 Slowcoach's long practice enabled him to see in a very few minutes 
 if the freshman before him (however nervous he might be) had the 
 usual average of abilities, and was up to the business of lectures. So 
 Mr. Verdant Green was soon dismissed, and returned to his father 
 radiant and happy. 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 35 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN MATRICULATES, AND MAKES A SENSATION. 
 
 As they went out at the gate, they inquired of the porter for Mr, 
 Charles Larkyns, but they found that he had not yet returned from 
 the friend's house where he had been during the vacation ; where 
 upon Mr. Green said that they would go and look at the Oxford 
 lions, so that he might be able to answer any of the questions that 
 should be put to him on his return. They soon found a guide, one 
 
 of those wonderful people to which show-places give birth, and ol 
 whom Oxford can boast a very goodly average ; and under this gen 
 tleman's guidance Mr. Verdant Green made his first acquaintance 
 with the fair outside of his Alma Mater. 
 
36 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 The short, thick stick of the guide served to direct attention to 
 the various objects he enumerated in his rapid career. " This here's 
 Christ Church College," he said, as he trotted them down St. Aldate's, 
 " built by Card'nal Hoolsy four underd feet long and the famous 
 Tom Tower as tolls wun underd and wun hevery night that being 
 the number of stoodents on the foundation ;" and thus the guide went 
 on, perfectly independent of the artificial trammels of punctuation, 
 and not particular whether his hearers understood him or not : that 
 was not his business. And as it was that gentleman's boast that he 
 J " could do the alls, collidges, and principal hedifices in a nour and a 
 naff," it could not be expected but that Mr. Green should take back to 
 Warwickshire otherwise than a slightly confused impression of Oxford. 
 When he unrolled that rich panorama before his " mind's eye," 
 
 all its component parts 
 were strangely out of place. 
 The rich spire of St. Mary's 
 claimed acquaintance with 
 her poorer sister at the ca 
 thedral. The cupola of the 
 Tom Tower got into close 
 quarters with the huge 
 dome of the Radcliffe, that 
 shrugged up its great round 
 shoulders at the intrusion 
 of the cross-bred Grseco- 
 Gothic tower of All Saints. 
 The theatre had walked 
 up to St. Giles's to see 
 how the Taylor Buildings 
 agreed with the University 
 galleries; while the Mar 
 tyrs' Memorial had stepped 
 down to Magdalen Bridge, 
 in time to see the col 
 lege taking a walk in the 
 Botanic Gardens. The 
 Schools and the Bodleian 
 had set their back against 
 
 the stately portico of the Clarendon Press ; while the antiquated 
 Ashmolean had given place to the more modern Townhall. The 
 time-honoured, black-looking front of University College had changed 
 into the cold cleanliness of the " classic " faqade of Queen's. The 
 two towers of All Souls', whose several stages seem to be pulled 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 37 
 
 out of each other like the parts of a telescope, had, somehow, 
 removed themselves from the rest of the building, which had gone, 
 nevertheless, on a tour to Broad Street ; behind which, as every 
 one knows, are the Broad Walk and the Christ Church meadows. 
 Merton Chapel had got into New quarters ; and Wadham had gone 
 to Worcester for change of air. Lincoln had migrated from near 
 Exeter to Pembroke ; and Brasenose had its nose quite put out of 
 joint by St. John's. In short, if the maps of Oxford are to be 
 trusted, there had been a general pousset movement among its pub 
 lic buildings. 
 
 But if such a shrewd and practised observer as Sir Walter Scott, 
 after a week's hard and systematic sight-seeing, could only say of Ox 
 ford, " The time has been much too short to convey to me separate 
 and distinct ideas of all the variety of wonders that I saw : my me 
 mory only at present furnishes a grand but indistinct picture of towers, 
 and chapels, and oriels, and vaulted halls, and libraries, and paint 
 ings ;" if Sir Walter Scott could say this after a week's work, it is 
 not to be wondered at that Mr. Green, after so brief and rapid a sur 
 vey of the city at the heels of an unintelligent guide, should feel him 
 self slightly confused when, on his return to the Manor Green, he at 
 tempted to give a slight description of the wonderful sights of Oxford. 
 
 There was one lion of Oxford, however, whose individuality of 
 expression was too striking either to be forgotten or confused with 
 , the many other lions around. Although (as in Byron's Dream) 
 
 " A mass of many images 
 Crowded like waves upon" 
 
 Mr. Green, yet clear and distinct through all there ran 
 
 " The stream-like windings of that glorious street,** 
 
 to which one of the first critics of the agef has given this high testi 
 mony of praise : "the High Street of Oxford has not its equal in 
 the whole world." 
 
 Mr. Green could not, of course, leave Oxford until he had seen 
 his beloved son in that elegant cap and preposterous gown which 
 constitute the present academical dress of the Oxford undergraduate ; 
 and to assume which, with a legal right to the same, matriculation 
 is first necessary. As that amusing and instructive book, the Uni 
 versity Statutes, says in its own delightful and unrivalled canine 
 Latin, " Statutwn est, quod nemo pro Studente, sen Scholari, hdbeatuTj 
 nee ullis Universitatis privilegiis, aut beneficiis" (the cap and gown, 
 
 * Wordsworth, Miscellaneous Sonnets. 
 
 f Dr. Waagen, Art and Artists in England. 
 
33 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 of course, being among these,) " gaudeat, nisi qui in aliquod Colle 
 gium vel Aulam admissus fuerit, et intra quindenam post talem ad- 
 missionem in matriculant Universitatis fuerit relatus" So our hero- 
 put on the required white tie, and then went forth to complete his 
 proper costume. 
 
 There were so many persons purporting to be "Academical robe- 
 makers," that Mr. Green was some little time in deciding who should 
 be the tradesman favoured with the order for his son's adornment. 
 At last he fixed upon a shop, the window of which contained a more 
 imposing display than its neighbours of gowns, hoods, surplices, and 
 robes of all shapes and colours, from the black velvet-sleeved proc 
 tor's to the blushing gorgeousness of the scarlet robe and crimson 
 silk sleeves of the D.C.L. 
 
 " I wish you," said Mr. Green, advancing towards a smirking 
 individual, who was in his shirt-sleeves and slippers, but in all other- 
 respects was attired with great magnificence, "I wish you to mea 
 sure this gentleman for his academical robes, and also to allow him 
 the use of some to be matriculated in." 
 
 " Certainly, sir," said the robe-maker, who stood bowing and 
 smirking before them, as Hood expressively says, 
 
 '' Washing his hands with invisible soap, 
 In imperceptible water ;" 
 
 " certainly, sir, if you wish it : but it will scarcely be necessary, 
 sir ; as our custom is so extensive, that we keep a large ready-made 
 stock constantly on hand." 
 
 " Oh, that will do just as well," said Mr. Green ; " better, in 
 deed. Let us see some." 
 
 "What description of robe would be required ?" said the smirking 
 gentleman, again making use of the invisible soap ; " a scholar's ?" 
 
 " A scholar's !" repeated Mr. Green, very much wondering at 
 the question, and imagining that all students must of necessity be 
 also scholars ; " yes, a scholar's, of course." 
 
 A scholar's gown was accordingly produced : and its deep, wide 
 sleeves, and ample length and breadth, were soon displayed to some 
 advantage on Mr. Verdant Green's tall figure. Reflected in a large 
 mirror, its charms were seen in their full perfection ; and when the 
 delighted Mr. Green exclaimed, " Why, Verdant, I never saw you 
 look so well as you do now !" our hero was inclined to think that 
 his father's words were the words of truth, and that a scholar's gown 
 was indeed becoming. The tout ensemble was complete when the 
 cap had been added to the gown ; more especially as Verdant put 
 it on in such a manner that the polite robe-maker was obliged to 
 
AN OXFORD FKESHMAN. 
 
 say, " The bother way, if you please, sir. Immaterial perhaps, but 
 generally preferred. In fact, the shallow part is always the fore 
 head, at least, in Oxford, sir." 
 
 While Mr. Green was paying for the cap and gown (N.B. the 
 money of governors is never refused), the robe-maker smirked, and 
 said, " Hexcuse the question ; but may I bask, sir, if this is the 
 gentleman that has just gained the Scotland Scholarship ?" 
 
 " No," replied Mr. Green. " My son has just gained his matri 
 culation, and, I believe, very creditably ; but nothing more, as we 
 only came here yesterday." 
 
 " Then I think, sir," said the robe-maker, with redoubled smirks, 
 " I think, sir, there is a leetle mistake here. The gentleman will be 
 hinfringing the University statues, if he wears a scholar's gown and 
 hasn't got a scholarship ; and these robes '11 be of no use to the gen 
 tleman, yet awhile at least. It will be an undergraduate's gown 
 that he requires, sir." 
 
 It was fortunate for 
 our hero that the mis- 
 take was discovered so 
 soon, and could be rec 
 tified without any of 
 those unpleasant conse 
 quences of iconoclasm 
 to which the robe- 
 maker's infringement of 
 the " statues" seemed 
 to point; but as that 
 gentleman put the scho 
 lars gown on one side, 
 and brought out a com 
 moner's, he might have 
 been heard to mutter, 
 " I don't know which is 
 the freshest, the fresh 
 man or his guv'nor." 
 
 When Mr. Verdant 
 Green once more looked 
 in the glass, and saw 
 hanging straight from 
 his shoulders a yard of 
 
 blueish-black stuff, garnished with a little lappet, and two streamers 
 whose upper parts were gathered into double plaits, he regretted 
 that he was not indeed a scholar, if it were only for the privilege of 
 wearing so elegant a gown. However, his father smiled approvingly, 
 
40 THE ADVENTUBES OF ME. VEKDAJS'T GREEK, 
 
 the robe-maker smirked judiciously ; so lie came to the gratifying 
 conclusion that the commoner's gown was by no means ugly, and 
 would be thought a great deal of at the Manor Green when he took 
 it home at the end of the term. 
 
 Leaving his hat with the robe-maker, who, with many more 
 smirks and imaginary washings of the hands, hoped to be favoured 
 with the gentleman's patronage on future occasions, and begged 
 further to trouble him with a card of his establishment, our hero 
 proceeded with his father along the High Street, and turned round 
 by St. Mary's, and so up Cat Street to the Schools, where they 
 made their way to the classic " Pig-market/' * to await the arrival 
 of the Vice-Chancellor. 
 
 When he came, our freshman and two other white-tied fellow- 
 freshmen were summoned to the great man's presence ; and there, 
 in the ante-chamber of the Convocation House,-f the edifying and 
 imposing spectacle of Matriculation was enacted. In the first place, 
 Mr. Verdant Green took divers oaths, and sincerely promised and 
 swore that he would be faithful and bear true allegiance to her 
 Majesty Queen Victoria. He also professed (very much to his own 
 astonishment) that he did " from his heart abhor, detest, and abjure, 
 as impious and heretical, that damnable doctrine and position, that 
 princes excommunicated or deprived by the pope, or any authority 
 of the see of liome, may be deposed or murdered by their subjects, 
 or any other whatsoever." And, having almost lost his breath at 
 this novel " position," Mr. Verdant Green could only gasp his decla 
 ration, " that no foreign prince, person, prelate, state, or potentate, 
 hath, or ought to have, any jurisdiction, power, superiority, pre 
 eminence, or authority, ecclesiastical or spiritual, within this realm." 
 When he had sufficiently recovered his presence of mind, Mr. Ver 
 dant Green inserted his name in the University books as " Generosi 
 filhis natu maximus ;" and then signed his name to the Thirty-nine 
 Articles, though he did not endanger his matriculation, as Theodore 
 Hook did, by professing his readiness to sign forty if they wished it ! 
 
 * The reason why such a name has been given to the Schools' quadrangle 
 may be found in the following extract from Ingram! s Memories : " The schools 
 built by Abbot Hokenorton being inadequate to the increasing wants of the 
 University, they applied to the Abbot of Reading for stone to rebuild them ; 
 and in the year 1532 it appears that considerable sums of money were ex 
 pended on them ; but they went to decay in the latter part of the reign of 
 Henry VIII. and during the whole reign of Edward VI. The change of reli 
 gion having occasioned a suspension of the usual exercises and scholastic actg 
 in the University, in the year 1540 only two of these schools were used by de 
 terminers, and within two years after none at all. The whole area between 
 these schools and the divinity school was subsequently conrerted into a garden 
 and pig-market ; and the schools themselves, being completely abandoned by 
 the masters and scholars, were used by glovers and laundresses." 
 
 f " In apodyterio domui congregationis." 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 41 
 
 Then the Vice-Chancellor concluded the performance by presenting to 
 the three freshmen (in the most liberal manner) three brown-looking 
 volumes, with these words ; " Scitote vos in Matriculam Universi- 
 tatis hodie relates esse, sub hac conditione, nempe ut omnia Statuta 
 hoc libro comprehensa pro virili observetis." And the ceremony was 
 at an end, and Mr. Verdant Green was a matriculated member of 
 the University of Oxford. He was far too nervous, from the 
 weakening effect of the popes, and the excommunicate princes, and 
 their murderous subjects, to be able to translate and understand 
 what the Vice- Chancellor had said to him, but he thought his present 
 to be particularly kind ; and he found it a copy of the University 
 Statutes, which he determined forthwith to read and obey. 
 
 Though if he had known that he had sworn to observe statutes 
 which required him, among other things, to wear garments only of 
 a black or "subfusk" hue; to abstain from that absurd and proud 
 custom of walking in public in boots, and the ridiculous one of wear- 
 
 ing the hah* long ;* statutes, moreover, which demanded of him to 
 refrain from all taverns, wine-shops, and houses in which they sold 
 wine or any other drink, and the herb called nicotiana or " tobacco;" 
 not to hunt wild beasts with dogs or snares or nets ; not to carry 
 crossbows or other "bombarding" weapons, or keep hawks forfowl- 
 
 * See tho Oxford Statutes, tit. xiv. " De vestitu et habitu scholastico." 
 
42 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 ing ; not to frequent theatres or the strifes of gladiators ; and only to 
 carry a bow and arrows for the sake of honest recreation ;* if Mr. 
 Verdant Green had known that he had covenanted to do this, he 
 would, perhaps, have felt some scruples in taking the oaths of ma 
 triculation. But this by the way. 
 
 Now that Mr. Green had seen all that he wished to see, nothing 
 remained for him but to discharge his hotel bill. It was accord 
 ingly called for, and produced by the waiter, whose face by a 
 visitation of that complaint against which vaccination is usually con 
 sidered a safeguard had been reduced to a state resembling the in 
 terior half of a sliced muffin. To judge from the expression of Mr. 
 Green's features as he regarded the document that had been put into 
 his hand, it is probable that he had not been much accustomed to 
 Oxford hotels ; for he ran over the several items of the bill with 
 a look in which surprise contended with indignation for the mastery, 
 while the muffin-faced waiter handled his plated salver, and looked 
 fixedly at nothing. 
 
 Mr. Green, however, refraining from observations, paid the bill ; 
 and, muffling himself in greatcoat and travelling-cap, he prepared 
 himself to take a comfortable journey back to Warwickshire, inside 
 the Birmingham and Oxford coach. It was not loaded in the same 
 way that it had been when he came up by it, and his fellow-pas 
 sengers were of a very different description ; and it must be confessed 
 that, in the absence of Mr. Bouncer's tin horn, the attacks of intru 
 sive terriers, and the involuntary fumigation of himself with tobacco 
 (although its presence was still perceptible within the coach), Mr. 
 Green found his journey from Oxford much more agreeable than it 
 had been to that place. He took an affectionate farewell of his son, 
 somewhat after the manner of the " heavy fathers" of the stage ; and 
 then the coach bore him away from the last lingering look of our 
 hero, who felt any thing but heroic at being left for the first time in 
 his life to shift for himself. 
 
 His luggage had been sent up to Brazenface, so thither he 
 turned his steps, and with some little difficulty found his room. 
 Mr. Filcher had partly unpacked his master's things, and had left 
 everything uncomfortable and in "the most admired disorder;" and 
 Mr. Verdant Green sat himself down upon the "practicable" window- 
 seat, and resigned himself to his thoughts. If they had not already 
 flown to the Manor Green, they would soon have been carried there ; 
 for a German band, just outside the college-gates, began to play "Home, 
 sweet home," with that truth and delicacy of expression which the 
 
 * Ditto, tit. xv. " De moribus conformandis." 
 
AN OXFORD FEESHItfAN. 
 
 43 
 
 wandering minstrels of Germany 
 seem to acquire intuitively. The 
 sweet melancholy of the simple 
 air, as it came subdued by dis 
 tance into softer tones, would 
 have powerfully affected most 
 people who had just been torn 
 from the bosom of their homes, 
 to fight, all inexperienced, the 
 battle of life; but it had such 
 an effect on Mr. Verdant Green, 
 that but it little matters saying 
 what he did ; many people will 
 give way to feelings in private 
 that they would stifle in com 
 pany ; and if Mr. Filcher on his 
 return found his master wiping 
 his spectacles, why that was 
 only a simple proceeding which 
 all glasses frequently require. 
 
 To divert his thoughts, and to impress upon himself and others 
 the fact that he was an Oxford MAN, our freshman set out for a stroll ; 
 and as the unaccustomed feeling of the gown about his shoulders made 
 him feel somewhat embarrassed as to 
 the carriage of his arms, he stepped 
 into a shop on the way and purchased 
 a light cane, which he considered would 
 greatly add to the effect of the cap 
 and gown. Armed with this weapon, 
 he proceeded to disport himself in the 
 Christ Church meadows, and prome 
 naded up and down the Broad Walk. 
 
 The beautiful meadows lay green 
 and bright in the sun ; the arching ij 
 trees threw a softened light, and made a 
 chequered pavement of the great Broad 
 Walk; " witch-elms cfoWcounter-change ST 
 the floor" of the gravel-walks that = 
 wound with the windings of the Cher- 
 well ; the drooping willows were mir 
 rored in its stream ; through openings 
 in the trees there were glimpses of 
 grey old college-buildings ; then came 
 the walk along the banks, the Isis 
 
44 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 shining like molten silver, and fringed around with harges and boats ; 
 then another stretch of green meadows ; then a cloud of steam from 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 45 
 
 the railway-station; and a background of gently-rising hills. It was 
 a cheerful scene, and the variety of figures gave life and animation 
 to the whole. 
 
 Young ladies and unprotected females were found in abundance, 
 dressed in all the engaging variety of light spring dresses ; and, as 
 may be supposed, our hero attracted a greal deal of their attention, 
 and afforded them no small amusement. But the unusual and ter 
 rific appearance of a spectacled gownsman with a cane produced the 
 greatest alarm among the juveniles, who imagined our freshman to- 
 be a new description of beadle or Bogy, summoned up by the exigen 
 cies of the times to preserve a rigorous discipline among the young 
 people ; and, regarding his cane as the symbol of his stern sway, 
 they harassed their nursemaids by unceasingly charging at their 
 petticoats for protection. 
 
 Altogether, Mr. Verdant Green made quite a sensation. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN DINES, BREAKFASTS, AND GOES TO CHAPEL. 
 
 OUR hero dressed himself with great care, that he might make his 
 first appearance in Hall with proper eclat ; and, having made his 
 way towards the lantern-surmounted building, he walked up the steps 
 and under the groined archway with a crowd of hungry undergradu 
 ates who were hurrying in to dinner. The clatter of plates would 
 have alone been sufficient to guide his steps ; and, passing through 
 one of the doors in the elaborately-carved screen that shut off the 
 passage and the buttery, he found himself within the hall of Brazen* 
 face. It was of noble size, lighted by lofty windows, and carried up 
 to a great height by an open roof, dark (save where it opened to the 
 lantern) with great oak beams, and rich with carved pendants and 
 gilded bosses. The ample fire-places displayed the capaciousness of 
 those collegiate mouths of " the wind-pipes of hospitality," and gave 
 an idea of the dimensions of the kitchen-ranges. In the centre of 
 the hall was a huge plate-warmer, elaborately worked in brass with 
 the college arms. Founders and benefactors were seen, or suggested, 
 on all sides ; their arms gleamed from the windows in all the glories 
 of stained glass ; and their faces peered out from the massive gilt 
 frames on the walls, as though their shadows loved to linger about 
 the spot that had been benefited by their substance. At the further 
 
46 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 end of the hall a deep bay-window threw its painted light upon a 
 da'is, along which stretched the table for the Dons ; Masters and 
 Bachelors occupied side-tables ; and the other tables were filled up 
 by the undergraduates ; every one, from the Don downwards, being 
 in his gown. 
 
 Our hero was considerably impressed with the (to him) singulal 
 character of the scene; and from the " Benedictus benedicat" grace- 
 before-nieat to the " Benedicto benedicamur" after-meat, he gazed 
 curiously around him in silent wonderment. So much indeed was he 
 wrapped up in the novelty of the scene, that he ran a great risk of 
 losing his dinner. The scouts fled about in all directions with plates, 
 and glasses, and pewter dishes, and massive silver mugs that had 
 gone round the tables for the last two centuries, and still no one 
 
 waited upon Mr. Verdant Green. He twice ventured to timidly say, 
 " Waiter !" but as no one answered to his call, and as he was too 
 bashful and occupied with his own thoughts to make another attempt, 
 it is probable that he would have risen from dinner as unsatisfied as 
 when he sat down, had not his right-hand companion (having partly 
 
AN OXFOKD FEESHMAN. 47 
 
 relieved his own wants) perceived his neighbour to be a freshman, 
 and kindly said to him, " I think you'd better begin your dinner, 
 because we don't stay here long. What is your scout's name?" And 
 when he had been told it, he turned to Mr. Filcher and asked him, 
 " What the doose he meant by not waiting on his master?" which, 
 with the addition of a few gratuitous threats, had the effect of bring 
 ing that gentleman to his master's side, and reducing Mr. Verdant 
 Green 'to a state of mind in which gratitude to his companion and a 
 desire to beg his scout's pardon were confusedly blended. Not seeing 
 any dishes upon the table to select from, he referred to the list, and 
 fell back on the standard roast-beef. 
 
 " I am sure I am very much obliged to you," said Verdant, turn 
 ing to his friendly neighbour. " My rooms are next to yours, and I 
 had the pleasure of being driven by you on the coach the other day." 
 
 " Oh !" said Mr. Fosbrooke, for it was he ; " ah, I remember 
 you now ! I suppose the old bird was your governor. He seemed 
 to think it any thing but a pleasure, being driven by Four-in-hand 
 Fosbrooke." 
 
 " Why, pap my father is rather nervous on a coach," replied 
 Verdant : " he was bringing me to college for the first time." 
 
 " Then you are the man that has just come into Smalls' old 
 rooms ? Oh, I see. Don't you ever drink with your dinner ? If 
 you don't holler for your rascal, he'll never half wait upon you. 
 Always bully them well at first, and then they learn manners." 
 
 So, by way of commencing the bullying system without loss of 
 time, our hero called out very fiercely " Robert !" and then, as Mr. 
 Filcher glided to his side, he timidly dropped his tone into a mild 
 " Glass of water, if you please, Robert." 
 
 He felt rather relieved when dinner was over, and retired at 
 once to his own rooms ; where making a rather quiet and sudden 
 entrance, he found them tenanted by an old woman, who wore a 
 huge bonnet tilted on the top of her head, and was busily and du 
 biously engaged at one of his open boxes. " Ahem !" he coughed, 
 at which note of warning the old lady jumped round very quickly, 
 and said dabbing curtseys where there were stops, like the beats 
 of a conductor's baton, " Law bless me, sir. It's beggin your 
 parding that I am. Not seein' you a comin' in. Bein' 3 ard of hearin' 
 from a hinfant. And havin' my back turned. I was just a puttin' 
 your things to rights, sir. If you please, sir, I'm Mrs. Tester. 
 Your bedmaker, sir." 
 
 " Oh, thank you," said our freshman, with the shadow of a 
 suspicion that Mrs. Tester was doing something more than merely 
 " putting to rights" the pots of jam and marmalade, and the pack 
 ages of tea and coffee, which his doting mother had thoughtfully 
 
48 THE ADVENTUEES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 placed in his box as a provision against immediate distress. " Thank 
 you." 
 
 " I've done my rooms, sir," dabbed Mrs. Tester. " Which if 
 thought agreeable, I'd stay and put these things in their places. 
 Which it certainly is Robert's place. But I never minds putting 
 myself out. As I always perpetually am minded. So long as I 
 can obleege the gentlemen." 
 
 So, as our hero was of a yielding disposition, and could, under 
 skilful hands, easily be moulded into any form, he allowed Mrs. 
 Tester to remain, and conclude the unpacking and putting away of 
 his goods, in which operation she displayed great generalship. 
 
 " You've a deal of tea and coffee, sir," she said, keeping time 
 by curtseys. " Which it's a great blessin' to have a mother. And 
 not to be left dissolute like some gentlemen. And tea and coffee is 
 what I mostly lives on. And mortial dear it is to poor folks. And 
 a package the likes of this, sir, were a blessin' I should never even 
 dream on." 
 
 " Well, then," said Verdant, in a most benevolent mood, " you 
 can take one of the packages for your trouble." 
 
 Upon this, Mrs. Tester appeared to be greatly overcome. 
 <l Which I once had a son myself,"' she said. " And as fine a young 
 man as you are, sir. With a strawberry mark in the small of his 
 back. And beautiful red whiskers, sir, with a tendency to drink. 
 Which it were his rewing, and took him to be enlisted for a sojer. 
 When he went across the seas to the West Injies. And was took 
 with the yaller fever, and buried there. Which the remembrance, 
 sir, brings on my spazzums. To which I'm an hafflicted martyr, sir. 
 And can only be heased with three spots of brandy on a lump of 
 sugar. Which your good mother, sir, has put a bottle of brandy. 
 Along with the jam and the clean linen, sir. As though a purpose 
 for my complaint. Ugh ! oh !" 
 
 And Mrs. Tester forthwith began pressing and thumping her 
 sides in such a terrific manner, and appeared to be undergoing such 
 internal agony, that Mr. Verdant Green not only gave her brandy 
 there and then, for her immediate relief, " which it heases the spaz 
 zums deerectly, bless you," observed Mrs. Tester, parenthetically, 
 but also told her where she could find the bottle, in case she should 
 again be attacked when in his rooms ; attacks which, it is needless 
 to say, were repeated at every subsequent visit. Mrs. Tester then 
 finished putting away the tea and coffee, and entered into further 
 particulars about her late son ; though what connection there was 
 between him and the packages of tea, our hero could not perceive. 
 Nevertheless he was much interested with her narrative, and thought 
 Mrs. Tester a very affectionate, motherly sort of woman ; more es- 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 49 
 
 pecially, when (Robert having placed his tea-things on the table) she 
 showed him how to make the tea ; an apparently simple feat that 
 the freshman found himself perfectly unable to accomplish. And 
 then Mrs. Tester made a final dab, and her exit, and our hero sat 
 over his tea as long as he could, because it gave an idea of cheerful 
 ness ; and then, after directing Robert to be sure not to forget to call 
 him in time for morning chapel, he retired to bed. 
 
 The bed was very hard, and so small, that, had it not been for 
 the wall, our hero's legs would have been visible (literally) at the 
 foot ; but despite these novelties, he sank into a sound rest, which at 
 length passed into the following dream. He thought that he was 
 back again at dinner at the Manor Green, but that the room was 
 curiously like the hall of Brazenface, and that Mrs. Tester and Dr. 
 Portman were on either side of him, with Mr. Fosbrooke and Robert 
 talking to his sisters ; and that he was reaching his hand to help Mrs. 
 Tester to a packet of tea, which her son had sent them from the 
 West Indies, when he threw over a wax-light, and set every thing 
 on fire ; and that the parish engine came up ; and that there was a 
 
 great noise, and a loud hammering ; and, " Eh ? yes ! oh ! the half- 
 hour is it ? Oh, yes ! thank you !" And Mr. Verdant Green sprang 
 out of bed much relieved in mind to find that the alarm of fire was 
 nothing more than his scout knocking vigorously at his door, and 
 that it was chapel-time. 
 
 " Want any warm water, sir F asked Mr. Filcher, putting his 
 head in at the door. 
 
50 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 " No, thank you," replied our hero ; I I " 
 
 " Shave with cold. Ah ! I see, sir. It's much 'ealthier, and 
 makes the 'air grow. But any thing as you does want, sir, you've 
 only to call." 
 
 " If there is any thing that I want, Robert," said Verdant, " I 
 will ring." 
 
 " Bless you, sir/' observed Mr. Filcher, " there ain't no bells 
 never in colleges ! They'd be rung off their wires in no time. Mr. 
 Bouncer, sir, he uses a trumpet like they does on board ship. By the 
 same token, that's it, sir !" And Mr. Filcher vanished just in time 
 to prevent little Mr. Bouncer from finishing a furious solo, from 
 an entirely new version of Robert le Diable, which he was giving 
 with novel effects through the medium of a speaking-trumpet. 
 
 Verdant found his bed-room inconveniently small ; so contracted, 
 indeed, in its dimensions, that his toilette was not completed without 
 
 his elbows having first suffered severe abrasions. His mechanical 
 turnip showed him that he had no time to lose ; and the furious ring 
 ing of a bell, whose noise was echoed by the bells of other colleges, 
 made him dress with a rapidity quite unusual, and hurry down stairs 
 and across quad, to the chapel steps, up which a throng of students 
 were hastening. Nearly all betrayed symptoms of having been aroused 
 from their sleep without having had any spare time for an elaborate 
 toilette ; and many, indeed, were completing it, by thrusting them 
 selves into surplices and gowns as they hurried up the steps. 
 
 Mr. Fosbrooke was one of these; and when he saw Verdant close 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 51 
 
 to him, he benevolently recognised him, and said, " Let me put you 
 up to a wrinkle. When they ring you up sharp for chapel, don't you 
 lose any time about your absolutions, washing, you know ; but just 
 jump into a pair of bags and Wellingtons ; clap a top-coat on you, 
 and button it up to the chin, and there you are, ready dressed in the 
 twinkling of a bed-post." 
 
 Before Mr. Verdant Green could at all comprehend why a person 
 should jump into two bags, instead of dressing himself in the normal 
 manner, they went through the ante-chapel, or " Court of the Gen 
 tiles," as Mr. Fosbrooke termed it, and entered the choir of the 
 chapel through a screen elaborately decorated in the Jacobean style, 
 with pillars and arches, and festoons of fruit and flowers, and bells 
 
 and pomegranates. On either side of the door were two men, whc 
 quickly glanced at each one who passed, and as quickly pricked a marl 
 against his name on the chapel lists. As the freshman went by, the} 
 made a careful study of his person, and took mental daguerreotypes ol 
 his features. Seeing no beadle, or pew-opener (or, for the matter oi 
 that, any pews), or any one to direct him to a place, Mr. Verdant 
 
52 
 
 THE ADVENTUKES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 Green quietly took a seat in the first place that he found empty, 
 which happened to be the stall on the right hand of the door. Un 
 conscious of the trespass he was committing, he at once put his cap to 
 his face and knelt down ; hut he had no sooner risen from his knees, 
 than he found an imposing-looking Don, as large as life and quite as 
 natural, who was staring at him with the greatest astonishment, and 
 motioning him to immediately " come out of that !" This our hero 
 did with the greatest speed and confusion, and sank breathless on the 
 end of the nearest bench; when just as, in his agitation, he had again 
 said his prayer, the service fortunately commenced, and somewhat 
 relieved him of his embarrassment. 
 
 II Ml 
 
 Although he had the glories of Magdalen, Merton, and New 
 College chapels fresh in his mind, yet Verdant was considerably 
 impressed with the solemn beauties of his own college chapel. He 
 admired its harmonious proportions, and the elaborate carving of its 
 decorated tracery. He noted every thing : the great eagle that seemed 
 to be spreading its wings for an upward flight, the pavement of 
 black and white marble, the dark canopied stalls, rich with the 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 later work of Grinling Gibbons, the elegant tracery of the windows; 
 and he lost himself in a solemn reverie as he looked up at the saintly 
 forms through which the rays of the morning sun streamed in rain 
 bow tints. 
 
 But the lesson had just begun ; and the man on Verdant's right 
 appeared to be attentively following it. Our freshman, however, could 
 not help seeing the book, and, much to his astonishment, he found 
 it to be a Livy, out of which his neighbour was getting up his morn 
 ing's lecture. He was still more astonished, when the lesson had come 
 to an end, by being suddenly pulled back when he attempted to rise, 
 and finding the streamers of his gown had been put to a use never in 
 tended for them, by being tied round the finial of the stall behind him, 
 the silly work of a boyish gentleman, who, in his desire to play off 
 a practical joke on a freshman, forgot the sacredness of the place where 
 college rules compelled him to show himself on morning parade. 
 
 Chapel over, our hero hurried back to his rooms, and there, to his 
 great joy, found a budget of letters from home ; and surely the little 
 
 items of intelligence that made up the news of the Manor Green had 
 never seemed to possess such interest as now ! The reading and re 
 reading of these occupied him during the whole of breakfast-time ; 
 and Mr. Filcher found him still engaged in perusing them when he 
 same to clear away the things. Then it was that Verdant discovered 
 
54 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 the extended meaning that the word " perquisites" possesses in the 
 eyes of a scout ; for, to a remark that he had made, Robert replied 
 in a tone of surprise, " Put away these bits o' things as is left, sir !"" 
 and then added, with an air of mild correction, " you see, sir, you's 
 fresh to the place, and don't know that gentlemen never likes that 
 sort o' thing done here, sir ; but you gets your commons, sir, fresh 
 and fresh every morning and evening, which must be much more 
 agreeable to the 'ealth than a heating of stale bread and such like. 
 No, sir !" continued Mr. Filcher, with a manner that was truly- 
 parental, " no, sir ! you trust to me, sir, and I'll take care of your 
 
 things, I will." And from the way that he carried off the eatables, 
 it seemed probable that he would make good his words. But our 
 freshman felt considerable awe of his scout, and murmuring broken 
 accents that sounded like "ignorance customs University," he en 
 deavoured, by a liberal use of his pocket-handkerchief, to appear as 
 if he were not blushing. 
 
 As Mr. Slowcoach had told him that he would not have to begin 
 lectures until the following day, and as the Greek play fixed for the 
 lecture was one with which he had been made well acquainted by 
 Mr. Larkyns, Verdant began to consider what he could do with him 
 self; when the thought of Mr. Larkyns suggested the idea that liid 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 55 
 
 son Charles had probably by this time returned to college. He de 
 termined therefore at once to go in search of him ; and looking oat a 
 letter which the rector had commissioned him to deliver to his son, 
 he inquired of Robert, if he was aware whether Mr. Charles Larkyns 
 had come back from his holidays. 
 
 " 'Ollidays, sir ?" said Mr. Filcher. " Oh ! I see, sir ! Vaca 
 tion, you mean, sir. Young gentlemen as is men, sir, likes to call 
 their 'ollidays by a different name to boys, sir. Yes, sir, Mr. Charles 
 Larky ns, he come up last arternoon, sir ; but he and Mr. Smalls, the 
 gent as he's been down with this vacation, the same as had these 
 rooms, sir, they didn't come to 'All, sir, but went and had their 
 dinners comfortable at the Star, sir ; and very pleasant they made 
 theirselves ; and Thomas, their scout, sir, has had quite a horder 
 for sober- water this morning, sir." 
 
 With somewhat of a feeling of wonder how one scout contrived to 
 know so much of the proceedings of gentlemen who were waited on 
 by another scout, and wholly ignorant of his allusion to his fellow- 
 servants' dealings in soda-water, Mr. Verdant Green inquired where 
 he could find Mr. Larkyns; and as the rooms were but just on the 
 other side of the quad., he put on his hat, and made his way to them. 
 The scout was just going into the room, so our hero gave a tap at 
 the door and followed him. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN CALLS ON A GENTLEMAN WHO " IS LICENSED 
 TO SELL." 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN found himself in a room that had a pleasant 
 look-out over the gardens of Brazenface, from which a noble chestnut 
 tree brought its pyramids of bloom close up to the very windows. 
 The walls of the room were decorated with engravings in gilt frames, 
 then: variety of subject denoting the catholic taste of their proprietor. 
 " The start for the Derby," and other coloured hunting prints, showed 
 his taste for the field and horse-flesh ; Landseer's " Distinguished 
 Member of the Humane Society," " Dignity and Impudence," and 
 others, displayed his fondness for dog-flesh ; while Byron beauties ; 
 " Amy Robsart," and some extremely au naturel pets of the ballet, 
 proclaimed his passion for the fair sex in general. Over the fire 
 place was a mirror (for Mr. Charles Larkyns was not averse to the 
 reflection of his good-looking features, and was rather glad than 
 otherwise of "an excuse for the glass"), its frame stuck full of 
 
56 THE ADVENTUBES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 tradesmen's cards and (unpaid) bills, invites, " bits of pasteboard" 
 pencilled with a mystic " wine," and other odds and ends : no private 
 letters though ! Mr. Larkyns was too wary to leave his " family 
 secrets" for the delectation of his scout. Over the mirror was dis 
 played a fox's mask, gazing vacantly from between two brushes ; 
 leaving the spectator to imagine that Mr. Charles Larkyns was a 
 second Nimrod, and had in some way or other been intimately con* 
 cerned in the capture of these trophies of the chase. This supposition 
 of the imaginative spectator would be strengthened by the appearance 
 of a list of hunting appointments (of the past season) pinned up over 
 a list of lectures, and not quite in character with the tabular views 
 of prophecies, kings of Israel and Judah, and the Thirty-nine Articles, 
 which did duty elsewhere on the walls, where they were presumed 
 to be studied in spare minutes which were remarkably spare in 
 deed. 
 
 The sporting character of the proprietor of the rooms was further 
 suggested by the huge pair of antlers over the door, bearing on their 
 tines a collection of sticks, whips, and spurs ; while to prove that 
 Mr. Larkyns was not wholly taken up by the charms of the chase, 
 fishing-rods, tandem- whips, cricket-bats, and Joe Mantons, were piled 
 up in odd corners ; and single-sticks, boxing-gloves, and foils, grace 
 fully arranged upon the walls, showed that he occasionally devoted 
 himself to athletic pursuits. An ingenious wire-rack for pipes and 
 meerschaums, and the presence of one or two suspicious -looking 
 boxes, labelled ' collorados,' ' regalia,' ' lukotilla,' and with other un 
 known words, seemed to intimate, that if Mr. Larkyns was no smoker 
 himself, he at least kept a bountiful supply of ' smoke' for his Mends ; 
 but the perfumed cloud that was proceeding from his lips as Verdant 
 entered the room, dispelled all doubts on the subject. 
 
 He was much changed in appearance during the somewhat long 
 interval since Verdant had last seen him, and his handsome features had 
 assumed a more manly, though perhaps a more rakish look. He was 
 lolling on a couch in the neglige attire of dressing-gown and slippers, 
 with his pink striped shirt comfortably open at the neck. Lounging 
 ' n an easy chair opposite to him was a gentleman clad in tartan-plaid, 
 whose face might only be partially discerned through the glass bottom 
 of a pewter, out of which he was draining the last draught. Between 
 them was a table covered with the ordinary appointments for a break 
 fast, and the extra-ordinary ones of beer-cup and soda-water. Two 
 Skye terriers, hearing a strange footstep, immediately barked out a 
 challenge of " Who goes there ?" and made Mr. Larkyns aware that 
 an intruder was at hand. 
 
 Slightly turning his head, he dimly saw through the smoke a 
 spectacled figure taking off his hat, and holding out an envelope ; and 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 57 
 
 without looking further, he said, " It's no use coming here, young 
 man, and stealing a march in this way ! I don't owe you any thing; 
 and if I did, it is not convenient to pay it. I told Spavin not to send 
 me any more of his confounded reminders ; so go hack and tell him 
 that he'll find it all right in the long-run, and that I'm really going 
 to read this term, and shall stump the examiners at last. And now, 
 my friend, you'd hetter make yourself scarce and vanish ! You know 
 where the door lies !" 
 
 Our hero was so confounded at this unusual manner of receiving 
 a friend, that he was some little time before he could gasp out, " Why, 
 Charles Larkyns don't you remember me? Verdant Green !" 
 
 Mr. Larkyns, astonished in his turn, jumped up dkectly, and 
 came to him with outstretched hands. " Ton my word, old fellow," 
 he said, "I really beg you ten thousand pardons for not recognising 
 you ; but you are so altered allow me to add, improved, since I 
 last saw you ; you were not a bashaw of two tails, then, you know ; 
 and, really, wearing your beaver up, like Hamlet's uncle, I altogether 
 took you for a dun. For I am a victim of a very remarkable mono 
 mania. There are in this place wretched beings calling themselves 
 tradesmen, who labour under the impression that I owe them what 
 
58 THE ADVENTUHES OF MR. VEEDANT GKEEN, 
 
 they facetiously term little bills ; and though I have frequently assured 
 their messengers, who are kind enough to come here to inquire for 
 Mr. Larkyns, that that unfortunate gentleman has been obliged to 
 hide himself from persecution in a convent abroad, yet the wretches 
 still hammer at my oak, and disturb my peace of mind. But bring 
 yourself to an anchor, old fellow! This man is Smalls ; a capital 
 fellow, whose chief merit consists in his devotion to literature ; in 
 deed, he reads so hard that he is called a. fast man. Smalls ! let me 
 introduce my Mend Verdant Green, a freshman, ahem ! and the 
 proprietor, I believe, of your old rooms." 
 
 Our hero made a profound bow to Mr. Smalls, who returned it 
 with great gravity, and said he " had great pleasure in forming the 
 acquaintance of a freshman like Mr. Verdant Green ;" which was doubt 
 less quite true ; and he then evinced his devotion to literature by con 
 tinuing the perusal of one of those vivid and refined accounts of " a 
 rattling set-to between Nobby Buffer and Hammer Sykes," for which 
 Tintinnabuluiri s Life is so justly famous. 
 
 " I heard from my governor," said Mr. Larkyns, " that you were 
 coming up ; and in the course of the morning I should have come 
 and looked you up ; but the the fatigues of travelling yesterday ," 
 continued Mr. Larkyns, as a lively recollection of the preceding 
 evening's symposium stole over his mind, " made me rather later 
 than usual this morning. Have you done any thing in this way ?" 
 
 Verdant replied that he had breakfasted, although he had not 
 done any thing in the way of cigars, because he never smoked. 
 
 " Never smoked ! Is it possible 1" exclaimed Mr. Smalls, violently 
 interrupting himself in the perusal of Tintinnabulum's Life, while 
 some private signals were rapidly telegraphed between him and Mr. 
 Larkyns ; " ah ! you'll soon get the better of that weakness ! Now, 
 as you're a freshman, you'll perhaps allow me to give you a little 
 advice. The Germans, you know, would never be the deep readers 
 that they are, unless they smoked; and I should advise you to go to 
 the Vice-Chancellor as soon as possible, and ask him for an order for 
 some weeds. He'd be delighted to think you are beginning to set 
 to work so soon !" To which our hero replied, that he was much 
 obliged to Mr. Smalls for his kind advice, and if such were the cus 
 toms of the place, he should do his best to fulfil them. 
 
 " Perhaps you'll be surprised at our simple repast, Verdant," said 
 Mr. Larkyns ; "but it's our misfortune. It all comes of hard reading 
 and late hours : the midnight oil, you know, must be supplied, and will 
 be paid for ; the nervous system gets strained to excess, and you 
 have to call in the doctor. Well, what does he do ? Why, he pre 
 scribes a regular course of tonics ; and I flatter myself that I am a 
 very docile patient, and take my bitter beer regularly, and without 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 59 
 
 complaining." In proof of which Mr. Charles Larkyns took a long 
 pull at the pewter. 
 
 " But you know, Larkyns," observed Mr. Smalls, " that was 
 nothing to my case, when I got laid up with elephantiasis on the 
 biceps of the lungs, and had a fur coat in my stomach !" 
 
 " Dear me !" said Verdant sympathisingly ; " and was that also 
 through too much study ?" 
 
 " Why, of course !" replied Mr. Smalls ; " it couldn't have been 
 any thing else from the symptoms, you know ! But then the sweets 
 of learning surpass the bitters. Talk of the pleasures of the dead 
 languages, indeed ! why, how many jolly nights have you and I, 
 Larkyns, passed 'down among the dead men!'" 
 
 Charles Larkyns had just been looking over the letter which 
 Verdant had brought him, and said, " The governor writes that you'd 
 like me to put you up to the ways of the place, because they are fresh 
 to you, and you are fresh (ahem ! very !) to them. Now, I am going 
 
60 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GKEEN, 
 
 to wine with Smalls to-night, to meet a few nice, quiet, hard-working 
 men (eh, Smalls ?), and I daresay Smalls will do the civil, and ask 
 you also." 
 
 " Certainly !" said Mr. Smalls, who saw a prospect of amusement ; 
 " delighted, I assure you ! I hope to see you after Hall, you know, 
 but I hope you don't object to a very quiet party ?" 
 
 " Oh, dear no !" replied Verdant ; " I much prefer a quiet party ; 
 indeed, I have always been used to quiet parties ; and I shall be very 
 glad to come." 
 
 " Well, that's settled then," said Charles Larkyns; " and, in the 
 mean time, Verdant, let us take a prowl about the old place, and I'll 
 put you up to a thing or two, and show you some of the freshman's 
 sights. But you must go and get your cap and gown, old fellow, and 
 then by that time I'll be ready for you." 
 
 Whether there are really any sights in Oxford that are more 
 especially devoted, or adapted, to its freshmen, we will not undertake 
 to affirm ; but if there are, they could not have had a better expositor 
 than Mr. Charles Larkyns, or a more credible visitor than Mr. Ver 
 dant Green. 
 
 His credibility was rather strongly put to the test as they turned 
 into the High Street, when his companion di 
 rected his attention to an individual on the op 
 posite side of the street, with a voluminous 
 gown, and enormous cocked hat profusely 
 adorned with gold lace. " I suppose you 
 know who that is, Verdant ? No ! Why, 
 that's the Bishop of Oxford ! Ah, I see, 
 he's a very different-looking man to what 
 you had expected ; but then these univer 
 sity robes so change the appearance. That 
 is his official dress, as the Visitor of the 
 Ashmolean !" 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green having " swallowed" 
 this, his friend was thereby enabled, not 
 only to use up old " sells," but also to 
 draw largely on his invention for new ones. 
 Just then, there came along the street, walk 
 ing in a sort of young procession, the Vice- 
 Chancellor, with his Esquire- and Yeoman-bedels. The silver maces, 
 carried by these latter gentlemen, made them by far the most showy 
 part of the procession, and accordingly Mr. Larkyns seized the favour 
 able opportunity to point out the foremost bedel, and say, " You see 
 that man with the poker and loose cap ? Well, that's the Vice- 
 Chancellor." 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 " But what does he walk in procession for?" 
 inquired our freshman. 
 
 " Ah, poor man !" said Mr. Larkyns, " he's 
 obliged to do it. * Uneasy lies the head that 
 wears a crown,' you know ; and he can never 
 go any where, or do any thing, without carrying 
 that poker, and having the other minor pokers 
 to follow him. They never leave him, not even 
 at night. Two of the pokers stand on each side 
 his bed, and relieve each other every two hours. 
 So, I need hardly say,- that he is obliged to be 
 a bachelor." 
 
 " It must be a very wearisome office," re 
 marked our freshman, who fully believed all that 
 was told to him. 
 
 " Wearisome, indeed ; and that's the reason 
 why they are obliged to change the Vice-Chan 
 cellors so often. It would kill most people, only they are always 
 selected for their strength, and height," he added, as a brilliant 
 idea just struck him. They 
 had turned 
 Lane, and so 
 
 lege, where one of the fire- |j 
 plug notices had caught Mr. 7 
 Larkyns' eye. " You see f 
 that," he said; " well, that's 1 
 one of the plates they put 
 up to record the Vice's height. 
 F. P. 7 feet, you see : the 
 initials of his name, Fre- 
 derick Plumptre !" 
 
 " He scarcely seemed so jj 
 tall as that," said our hero, 
 "though certainly a tall man. 
 But the gown makes a differ 
 ence, I suppose." 
 
 " His height was a very 
 lucky thing for him, however," continued Mr. Larkyns. "I dare say 
 when you have heard that it was only those who stood high in the 
 University that were elected to rule it, you little thought of the 
 true meaning of the term ?" 
 
 " I certainly never did," said the freshman, innocently; "but I 
 knew that the customs of Oxford must of course be very different 
 from those of other places." 
 
 down Magpie s=f T ||f^ L ^HcjPJv^,' ^ 
 by Oriel Col- fn ! ^ r pV^g 
 
 f .1 /> m iL-v L .,'" 'f 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 "Yes, you'll soon find that out," replied Mr. Larkyns, mean 
 ingly. ; But here we are at Merton, whose Merton ale is as cele 
 brated as Burton ale. You see the man giving in the letters to the 
 
 porter? Well, he's one of 
 their principal men. Each 
 
 1 ^HS3jg^^ssSJSii college does its own postal 
 
 department ; and at Merton 
 there are fourteen postmas 
 ters,* for they get no end of 
 letters there." 
 
 " Oh, yes!" said our hero, 
 " I remember Mr. Larkyns, 
 your father, the rector, I 
 mean, telling us that the 
 son of one of his old friends 
 had been a postmaster of 
 Merton; but I fancied that 
 he had said it had something to do with a scholarship." 
 
 " Ah, you see, it's a long while since the governor was here, 
 and his memory fails him," remarked Mr. Charles Larkyns, very un- 
 filially. " Let us turn down the Merton fields, and round into St. 
 Aldate's. We may perhaps be in time to see the Vice come down to 
 Christ Church." 
 
 " What does he go there for ?" asked Mr. Verdant Green. 
 " To wind up the great clock, and put big Tom in order. Tom 
 is the bell that you hear at nine each night ; the Vice has to see that 
 he is in proper condition, and, as you have seen, goes out with his 
 pokers for that purpose." 
 
 On their way, Charles Larkyns pointed out, close to Folly Bridge, 
 a house profusely decorated with figures and indescribable ornaments, 
 which he informed our freshman was Blackfriars' Hall, where all the 
 men who had been once plucked were obliged to migrate to ; and 
 that Folly Bridge received its name from its propinquity to the Hall. 
 They were too late to see the Vice-Chancellor wind up the clock of 
 Christ Church ; but as they passed by the college, they met two 
 gownsmen who recognised Mr. Larkyns by a slight nod. " Those are 
 two Christ Church men," he said, " and noblemen. The one with 
 the Skye-terrier's coat and eye-glass is the Earl of Whitechapel, the 
 Duke of Minories' son. I dare say you know the other man. No ! 
 Why, he is Lord Thomas Peeper, eldest son of the Lord Godiva who 
 hunts our county. I knew him in the field." 
 
 " But why do they wear gold tassels to their caps ?" inquired tho 
 freshman. 
 
 * Exhibitioners of Merton College are called ' ' postmasters." 
 
AN OXFOED FRESHMAN. 63 
 
 " All," said the ingenious Mr. Larkyns, shaking his head ; " I 
 had rather you'd not have asked me that question, because that's the 
 
 disgraceful part of the business. But these lords, you see, they will 
 live at a faster pace than us commoners, who can't stand a cham 
 pagne breakfast above once a term or so. Why, those gold tassels 
 are the badges of drunkenness !"* 
 
 " Of drunkenness ! dear me !" 
 
 " Yes, it's very sad, isn't it ?" pursued Mr. Larkyns ; " and I won 
 der that Peeper in particular should give way to such things. But 
 you see how they brazen it out, and walk about as coolly as though 
 nothing had happened. It's just the same sort of punishment," 
 continued Mr. Larkyns, whose inventive powers increased with the 
 demand that the freshman's gullibility imposed upon them, " it is just 
 the same sort of thing that they do with the Greenwich pensioners. 
 When they have been transgressing the laws of sobriety, you know, 
 they are made marked men by having to wear a yellow coat as a 
 punishment ; and our dons borrowed the idea, and made yellow tassels 
 the badges of intoxication. But for the credit of the University, I'm 
 glad to say that you'll not find many men so disgraced." 
 
 They now turned down the New Road, and came to a strongly 
 castellated building, which Mr. Larkyns pointed out (and truly) as 
 Oxford Castle or the Gaol ; and he added (untruly), " if you hear 
 Botany-Bay College-)- spoken of, this is the place that's meant. It's 
 a delicate way of referring to the temporary sojourn that any under- 
 grad has been forced to make there, to say that he belongs to Botany- 
 Bay College." 
 
 They now turned back, up Queen Street and High Street, when, 
 as they were passing All Saints, Mr. Larkyns pointed out a pale, in 
 tellectual looking man who passed them, and said, " That man is 
 Cram, the patent safety. He's the first coach in Oxford." 
 
 " A coach !" said our freshman, in some wonder. 
 
 " Oh, I forgot you didn't know college-slang. I suppose a royal 
 
 * As "Tufts" and "Tuft-hunters" have become "household words/' it is 
 perhaps needless to toll any one that the gold tnssel is the distinguishing mark 
 of a nobleman. 
 
 t A name given to "Worcester College, from ite being the most distant 
 college. 
 
64 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 mail is the only gentleman coach that you know of. Why, in Oxford, 
 a coach means a private tutor, you must know ; and those who can't 
 afford a coach, get a cab alias a crib, alias a translation. You 
 see, Verdant, you are gradually being initiated into Oxford mysteries." 
 " I am, indeed," said our hero, to whom a new world was open 
 ing. 
 
 They had now turned round by the west end of St. Mary's, and 
 were passing Brasenose ; and Mr. Larkyns drew Verdant's attention 
 to the brazen nose that is such a conspicuous object over the entrance- 
 gate. " That," said he, " was 
 modelled from a cast of the 
 Principal feature of the first 
 Head of the college ; and so* 
 the college was named Bra 
 zen-nose.* The nose was formerly used as a place of punishment 
 for any misbehaving Brazennosian, who had to sit upon it for two 
 hours, and was not countenanced until he had done so. These pun 
 ishments were so frequent that they gradually wore down the nose 
 to its present small dimensions. 
 
 " This round building," continued Mr. Larkyns, pointing to the 
 
 * Although we have a great respect for Mr. Larkyns, yet we strongly sus 
 pect that he is intentionally deceiving his friend. He has, however, the benefit 
 of a doubt, as the authorities differ on the origin and meaning of the word 
 Brasenose, as may be seen by the following notices, to the last two of which 
 the editor of Notes and Queries has directed our attention : 
 
 " This curious appellation, which, whatever was the origin of it, has been 
 perpetuated by the symbol of a brazen nose here and at Stamford, occurs with, 
 the modern orthography, but in one undivided word, so early as 1278, in aa 
 inquisition now printed in The Hundred Rolls, though quoted by Wood from 
 the manuscript record." Ingram! s Memorials of Oxford. 
 
 " There is a spot in the centre of the city where Alfred is said to have- 
 lived, and which may be called the native place or river-head of three separate 
 societies still existing, University, Oriel, and Brasenose. Brasenose claims his 
 palace, Oriel his church, and University his school or academy. Of these, 
 Brasenose College is still called m its formal style ' the King's Hall/ which is- 
 the name by which Alfred himself, in his laws, calls his palace ; and it has its 
 present singular name from a corruption of brasinium, or brasin-lmse, as having 
 been originally located in that part of the royal mansion which was devoted to 
 the then important accommodation of a brew-house." From a Review of 
 Ingram s Memorials in the British Critic, vol. xxiv. p. 139. 
 
 " Brasen Nose Hall, as the Oxford antiquary has shown, may be traced as 
 far back as the time of Henry III., about the middle of the thirteenth century; 
 and early in the succeeding reign, 6th Edward I., 1278, it was known by the 
 name of Brasen Nose Hall, which peculiar name was undoubtedly owing, as 
 the same author observes, to the circumstance of a nose of brass affixed to the 
 gate. It is presumed, however, that this conspicuous appenda.ge of the portal 
 was not formed of the mixed metal which the word now denotes, but the ge 
 nuine produce of the mine ; as is the nose, or rather face, of a lion or leopard 
 still remaining at Stamford which also gave name to the edifice it adorned. 
 And hence, when Henry VIIL debased the coin by an alloy of copper, it was a. 
 common remark or proverb, that ' Testons were gone to Oxford, to study ia 
 Brasen Nose.' " Churton's Life of Bishop Smyth, p. 227. 
 
AW OXFORD FRESHMAN. 65 
 
 Radcliffe, " is the Vice- Chancellor's house. He has to go each 
 night up to that balcony on the top, and look round to see if alTs 
 safe. Those heads," he said, as they passed the Ashmolean, " are 
 supposed to be the twelve Caesars ; only there happen, I believe, to 
 be thirteen of them. I think that they are the busts of the original 
 Heads of Houses." 
 
 Mr. Larkyns' inventive powers having been now somewhat 
 exhausted, he proposed that they should go back to Brazenface and 
 have some lunch. This they did ; after which Mr. Verdant Green 
 wrote to his mother a long account of his friend's kindness, and the 
 trouble he had taken to explain the most interesting sights that could 
 be seen by a Freshman. 
 
 " Are you writing to your governor, Verdant ?" asked the friend, 
 who had made his way to our hero's rooms, and was now perfuming 
 them with a little tobacco-smoke. 
 
 " No ; I am writing to my mama mother, I mean !" 
 
 " Oh ! to the missis !" was the reply ; " that's just the same. 
 Well, had you riot better take the opportunity to ask them to send 
 you a proper certificate that you have been vaccinated, and had the 
 measles favourably ?" 
 
 " But what is that far ?" inquired our Freshman, always anx 
 ious to learn. " Your father sent up the certificate of my baptism, 
 and I thought that was the only one wanted." 
 
 " Oh," said Mr. Charles Larkyns, " they give you no end of 
 trouble at these places ; and they require the vaccination certificate 
 before you go in for your responsions, the Little-go, you know. 
 You need not mention my name in your letter as having told you 
 this. It will be quite enough to say that you understand such a 
 thing is required." 
 
 Verdant accordingly penned the request ; and Charles Larkyns 
 smoked on, and thought his friend the very beau-ideal of a Fresh 
 man. " By the way, Verdant," he said, desirous not to lose any 
 opportunity, " you are going to wine with Smalls this evening ; and, 
 excuse me mentioning it, but I suppose you would go properly 
 dressed, white tie, kids, and that sort of thing, eh ? Well ! ta, ta, 
 till then. ' We meet again at Philippi !' " 
 
 Acting upon the hint thus given, our hero, when Hall was over, 
 made himself uncommonly spruce in a new white tie, and spotless 
 kids ; and as he was dressing, drew a mental picture of the party 
 to which he was going. It was to be composed of quiet, steady 
 men, who were such hard readers as to be called " fast men." He 
 should therefore hear some delightful and rational conversation on 
 the literature of ancient Greece and Rome, the present standard of 
 
66 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 scholarship in the University, speculations on the forthcoming prize- 
 
 poems, comparisons between various expectant class-men, and de 
 lightful topics of a Kiii- 
 dred nature ; and the 
 evening would be passed 
 in a grave and sedate 
 manner ; and after a 
 couple of glasses of wine 
 had been leisurely sipped, 
 they should have a very 
 enjoyable tea, and would 
 separate for an early rest, 
 mutually gratified and 
 improved. This was the 
 nature of Mr. Verdafit 
 Green's speculations ; but 
 
 whether they were realised or no, may be judged by transferring 
 
 the scene a few hours later to Mr. Smalls' room. 
 
 : 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN'S MORNING REFLECTIONS ARE NOT SO 
 PLEASANT AS HIS EVENING DIVERSIONS. 
 
 MR. SMALLS' room was filled with smoke and noise. Supper had 
 been cleared away ; the glasses were now sparkling on the board, 
 and the wine was ruby bright. The table, moreover, was supplied 
 with spirituous liquors and mixtures of all descriptions, together with 
 many varieties of " cup," a cup which not only cheers, but occa 
 sionally inebriates ; and this miscellany of liquids was now being 
 drunk on the premises by some score and a half of gentlemen, who 
 were sitting round the table, and standing or lounging about in va 
 rious parts of the room. Heading the table, sat the host, loosely 
 attired in a neat dressing-gown of crimson and blue, in an attitude 
 which allowed him to swing his legs easily, if not gracefully, over 
 the arm of his chair, and to converse cheerfully with Charles Lar- 
 
AN OXFOED FRESHMAN. 
 
 67 
 
 kyns, who was leaning over the chair-back. Visible to the naked 
 eye, on Mr. Smalls' left hand, appeared the white tie and full evening 
 dress which decorated the person of Mr. Verdant Green. 
 
 A great consumption of tobacco was going on, not only through 
 the medium of cigars, but also of meerschaums, short " dhudheens'' 
 
 
 of envied colour, and the genuine yard of clay ; and Verdant, while 
 he was scarcely aware of what he was doing, found himself, to his 
 great amazement, with a real cigar in his mouth, which he was 
 industriously sucking, and with great difficulty keeping alight. Our 
 hero felt that the unexpected exigencies of the case demanded from 
 him some sacrifice ; while he consoled himself by the reflection, that, 
 on the homoeopathic principle of " likes cure likes," a cigar was the 
 best preventive against any ill effects arising from the combination 
 of the thirty gentlemen who were generating smoke with all the- ar 
 dour of lime-kilns or young volcanoes, and filling Mr. Smalls' small 
 room with an atmosphere that was of the smoke, smoky. 'Smoke 
 produces thirst ; and the cup, punch, egg-flip, sherry-cobblers, and 
 
63 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEK, 
 
 other liquids, which had been so liberally provided, were being con 
 sumed by the members of the party as though it had been their drink 
 from childhood ; while the conversation was of a kind very different 
 to what our hero had anticipated, being for the most part vapid and 
 unmeaning, and (must it be confessed ?) occasionally too highly fla 
 voured with improprieties for it to be faithfully recorded in these 
 pages of most perfect propriety. 
 
 The literature of ancient Greece and .Rome was not even referred 
 to ; and when Verdant, who, from the unusual combination of the 
 smoke and liquids, was beginning to feel extremely amiable and talk 
 ative, made a reflective observation (addressed to the company 
 generally) which sounded like the words " Nunc vino pellite curas, 
 Cras ingens,"* he was immediately 'interrupted by the voice of Mr. 
 Bouncer, crying out, "Who's that talking shop about engines? 
 Holloa, Gig-lamps 1" Mr. Bouncer, it must be observed, had face 
 tiously adopted the sobriquet which had been bestowed on Verdant 
 and his spectacles on their first appearance outside the Oxford coach, 
 " Holloa, Gig-lamps, is that you ill-treating the dead languages ? 
 I'm ashamed of you ! a venerable party like you ought to be above 
 such things. There ^ don't blush, old feller, but give us a song ! 
 It's the punishment for talking shop, you know." 
 
 There was an immediate hammering of tables and jingling of 
 glasses, accompanied with loud cries of " Mr. Green for a song ! Mr. 
 Green ! Mr. Gig-lamps' song !" cries which nearly brought our hero 
 to the verge of idiotcy. 
 
 Charles Larkyns saw this, and came to the rescue. " Gentle 
 men," he said, addressing the company, " I know that my friend 
 Verdant can sing, and that, like a good bird, he will sing. But 
 while he is mentally looking over his numerous stock of songs, and 
 selecting one for our amusement, I beg to fill up our valuable time, 
 by asking you to fill up a bumper to the health of our esteemed 
 host Smalls (vociferous cheers), a man whose private worth is only 
 to be equalled by the purity of his milk-punch and the excellence of 
 his weeds (hear, hear). Bumpeps, gentlemen, and no heel-taps ! and 
 though I am sorry to interfere with Mr. Fosbrooke's private enjoy 
 ments, yet I must beg to suggest to him that he has been so much 
 engaged in drowning his personal cares in the bowl over which he is 
 so skilfully presiding, that my glass has been allowed to sparkle on 
 the board empty and useless." And as Charles Larkyns held out 
 his glass towards Mr. Fosbrooke and the punch-bowl, he trolled out, 
 in a rich, manly voice, old Cowley's anacreontic : 
 
 * Horace, car. i. od. vii, 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 69 
 
 " Fill up the bowl then, fill it high ! 
 Fill all the glasses there ! For why 
 Should every creature drink but I? 
 Why, man of morals, tell me why ?' 
 
 By the time that the " man of morals" had ladled out for the com 
 pany, and that Mr. Smalls' health had been drunk and responded to 
 amid uproarious applause, Charles Larkyns' friendly diversion in our 
 hero's favour had succeeded, and Mr. Verdant Green had regained his 
 confidence, and had decided upon one of those vocal efforts which, in 
 the bosom of his own family, and to the pianoforte accompaniment of 
 his sisters, was accustomed to meet with great applause. And when 
 he had hastily tossed off another glass of milk-punch (merely to clear 
 his throat), he felt bold enough to answer the spirit-rappings which 
 w,ere again demanding " Mr. Green's song ! " It was given much in 
 the following manner : 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green (in low plaintive tones, and fresh alarm at 
 hearing the sounds of his own voice). " I dreamt that I dwe-elt in 
 mar-arble halls, with" 
 
 Mr. Bouncer (interrupting). " Spit it out, Gig-lamps ! Dis 
 child can't hear whether it's Maudlin Hall you're singing about, or 
 what." 
 
 Omnes. " Order ! or-der ! Shut up, Bouncer ! " 
 
 Charles Larkyns (encouragingly). " Try back, Verdant : never 
 mind." 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green (tries back, with increased confusion of ideas, 
 resulting principally from the milk-punch and tobacco). " I dreamt 
 that I dwe-elt in mar-arble halls, with vassals and serfs at my si-hi- 
 hide ; and and I beg your pardon, gentlemen, I really forget 
 oh, I know ! and I also dre-eamt, which pie-eased me most no, 
 that's not it" 
 
 Mr. Bouncer (who does not particularly care for the words of a 
 song, but only appreciates the chorus) " That'll do, old feller ! We 
 aint pertickler, (rushes with great deliberation and noise to the 
 chorus) " That you lo-oved me sti-ill the sa-ha-hame chorus, gen 
 tlemen !" 
 
 Omnes (in various keys and time). " That you lo-oved me sti-ill 
 the same." 
 
 Mr. Bouncer (to Mr. Green, alluding remotely to the opera). 
 " Now, my Bohemian gal, can't you come out to-night ? Spit us out 
 a yard or two more, Gig-lamps." 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green (who has again taken the opportunity to 
 clear his throat). " I dreamt that I dwe-elt in mar-arble no ! I beg 
 pardon ! sang that (desperately) that sui-uitors sou-ught my hand, 
 
7C THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEK, 
 
 that knights on their (hie) ben-ended kne-e-ee had (hie) riches too 
 gre-eat to" (Mr. Verdant Green smiles benignantly upon the com 
 pany) " Don't rec'lect anymo." 
 
 Mr. Bouncer (who is not to be defrauded of the chorus). " Cho 
 rus, gentlemen ! That you'll lo-ove me sti-ill the sa-a-hame!" 
 
 Omnes (ad libitum). " That you'll lo-ove me sti-ill the same ! " 
 
 Though our hero had ceased to sing, he was still continuing to 
 clear his throat by the aid of the milk-punch, and was again indus 
 triously sucking Ms cigar, which he had not yet succeeded in getting 
 half through, although he had re-lighted it about twenty times. All 
 this was observed by the watchful eyes of Mr. Bouncer, who, whis 
 pering to his neighbour, and bestowing a distributive wink on the 
 company generally, rose and made the following remarks : 
 
 " Mr. Smalls, and gents all : I don't often get on my pins to 
 trouble you with a neat and appropriate speech ; but on an occasion 
 like the present, when we are honoured with the presence of a party 
 who has just delighted us with what I may call a flood of harmony 
 (hear, hear), and has pitched it so uncommon strong in the vocal 
 line, as to considerably take the shine out of the woodpecker-tapping, 
 that we've read of in the pages of history (hear, hear : " Go it again, 
 Bouncer r\ when, gentlemen, I see before me this old original 
 Little Wobbler, need I say that I allude to Mr. Verdant Green ? 
 (vociferous cheers} I feel it a sort of, what you call a privilege, d'ye 
 see, to stand on my pins, and propose that respected party's jolly 
 good health (renewed cheers], Mr. Verdant Green, gentlemen, has 
 but lately come among us, and is, in point of fact, what you call a 
 freshman ; but, gentlemen, we've already seen enough of him to feel 
 aware that that Brazenface has gained an acquisition, which 
 \\fock (cries of "Tally-ho! Yoicks! Hark forrud /") Exactly so, 
 gentlemen : so, as I see you are all anxious to do honour to our 
 freshman, I beg, without further preface, to give you the health of 
 Mr. Verdant Green ! With all the honours. Chorus, gents ! 
 
 " For he's a jolly good fellow ! 
 For he's a jolly good fellow ! ! 
 For he's a jolly good f-e-e-ell-ow ! ! ! 
 Which nobody can deny !" 
 
 TMs chorus was taken up and prolonged in the most indefinite manner; 
 little Mr. Bouncer fairly revelling in it, and only regretting that he 
 had not his post-horn with him to further contribute to the harmony 
 of the evening. It seemed to be a great art in the singers of the 
 xhorus to dwell as long as possible on the third repetition of the 
 word " fellow," and in the most defiant manner to pounce down on 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 71 
 
 the bold affirmation by which it is followed ; and then to lyrically 
 proclaim that, not only was it a way they had in the Varsity to drive 
 dull care away, but that the same practice was also pursued in the 
 army and navy for the attainment of a similar end. 
 
 When the chorus had been sung over three or four times, and 
 Mr. Verdant Green's name had been proclaimed with equal noise, 
 that gentleman rose (with great difficulty), to return thanks. He 
 was understood to speak as follows : 
 
 "Genelum anladies 
 (cheers), I meange- 
 uelum. (" That's about 
 the ticket, old feller F 
 from Mr. Bouncer.') 
 Customd syam plic 
 speakn, I I (hear, 
 hear) feel bliged 
 drinkmyel. I'm fres- 
 man, genelum, and 
 prow title (loud cheers). 
 Myfren Misserboucer, 
 fafiowme callmmyfren ! 
 (" In course, Gig- 
 lamps, you do me proud, 
 old feller.") Myfren 
 Misserboucer seszime 
 fresman prow title, 
 sureyou (hear, hear). 
 
 Genelmun, werall jolgoodfles, anwe wogohotillmorrin ! (" We won't, 
 we won't! not a bit of it!") Gelmul, I'm fresmal, an namesgreel, 
 gelmul (cheers). Fanyul dousmewor, herescardinpock 'lltellm ! Misser 
 Verdalgreel, Braseface, Oxul fresmal, anprowtitle ! (Great cheering 
 and rattling of glasses, during which Mr. Verdant Green's coat- 
 tails are made the receptacles for empty bottles, lobsters' claws, and 
 other miscellaneous articles.) Misserboucer said was fresmal. If 
 Misserboucer wantsultme (" No, no/"), herescardinpocklltellm names- 
 verdalgreel, Braseface ! Not shameofitgelmul ! prowtitle ! (Great 
 applause.) I doewaltilsul Misserboucer ! thenwhysee sultme? thas- 
 waw Iwaltknow ! (Loud cheers, and roars of laughter, in which 
 Mr. Verdant Green suddenly joins to the best of his ability.) I'm 
 finoxful fresmal, gelmul, 'fmyfrel Misserboucer lournecallimso. ( Cheers 
 and laughter, in which Mr. Verdant Green feebly joins.} Anweer- 
 all jolgoodfles, anwe wogohotilmorril, an I'm fresmal, gelmul, anfanyul 
 dowsmewor an I doefeel quiwell !" 
 
 This was the termination of Mr. Verdant Green's speech, for 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 after making a few unintelligible sounds, his knees suddenly gave way, 
 and with a benevolent smile he disappeared beneath the table. 
 ******* 
 
 Half an hour afterwards two gentlemen might have been seen, 
 bearing with staggering steps across the moonlit quad the huddled 
 
 form of a third gentleman, who was 
 clothed in full evening dress, and 
 appeared incapable of taking care 
 of himself. The two first gentle 
 men set down their burden under 
 an open doorway, painted over with 
 a large 4; and then, by pulling and 
 pushing, assisted it to guide its 
 steps up a narrow and intricate 
 staircase, until they had gained the 
 third floor, and stood before a door, 
 over which the moonlight revealed, 
 in newly-painted white letters, the 
 name of "MR. VERDANT GREEN." 
 
 " Well, old feller," said the first gentleman, " how do you feel 
 now, after * Sich a getting up stairs ?' " 
 
 "Feel much berrer now," said their late burden ; " feel quite- 
 comfurble ! Shallgotobed !" 
 
 " Well, Gig-lamps," said the first speaker, " and By-by won't be 
 at all a bad move for you. D'ye think you can unrig yourself and 
 get between the sheets, eh, my beauty ?" 
 
 " Its allri, allri !" was the reply ; " limy candle !" 
 "No, no," said the second gentleman, as he pulled up the window- 
 blind, and let in the moonlight; "here's quite as much light as you 
 want. It's almost morning." 
 
 " Sotis," said the gentleman in the evening costume ; " anlittle- 
 birds beginsingsoon ! Hike littlebirds sing ! jollittlebirds !" The 
 speaker had suddenly fallen upon his bed, and was lying thereon at 
 full length, with his feet on the pillow. 
 
 " He'll be best left in this way," said the second speaker, as he 
 removed the pillow to the proper place, and raised the prostrate gen 
 tleman's head ; "I'll take off his choker and make him easy about 
 $he neck, and then we'll shut him up and leave him. ^Vhy the 
 beggar's asleep already !" And so the two gentlemen went away, 
 and left him safe and sleeping. 
 
 It is conjectured, however, that he must have got up shortly after 
 this, and finding himself with his clothes on, must have considered 
 that a lighted candle was indispensably necessary to undress by ; for 
 when Mrs. Tester came at her usual early hour to light the fires and 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 73 
 
 prepare the sitting-rooms, she discovered him lying on the carpet 
 embracing the coal-skuttle, with a candle by his side. The good 
 woman raised him, and 
 did not leave him until she 
 had, in the most motherly 
 manner, safely tucked him 
 
 up in bed. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Clink, clank ! clink, 
 clank ! tingle, tangle ! tin 
 gle, tangle ! Are demons 
 smiting ringing hammers 
 into Mr. Verdant Green's 
 brain, or is the dreadful 
 bell summoning him to 
 rise for morning chapel ? 
 
 Mr. Filcher puts an end 
 to the doubt by putting 
 his head in at the bed 
 room door, and saying, 
 "Time for chapel, sir ! Chapel," thought Mr. Filcher ; "here is a 
 chap ill, indeed ! Bain't you well, sir ? Restless you look !" 
 
 Oh, the shame and agony that Mr. Verdant Green felt ! The 
 desire to bury his head under the clothes, away from Robert's and 
 every one else's sight ; the fever that throbbed his brain and parched 
 his lips, and made him long to drink up Ocean ; the eyes that felt like 
 burning lead ; the powerless hands that trembled like a weak old 
 man's ; the voice that came in faltering tones that jarred the brain at 
 every word ! How he despised himself ; how he loathed the very 
 idea of wine ; how he resolved never, never to transgress so again ! 
 But perhaps Mr. Verdant Green was not the only Oxford freshman 
 whp has made this resolution. 
 
 "Bain't you well, sir?" repeated Mr. Filcher, with a passing 
 thought that freshmen were sadly degenerating, and could not manage 
 their three bottles as they did when he was first a scout: "hain't 
 you well, sir ?" 
 
 " Not very well, Robert, thank you. I my head aches, and 
 I'm afraid I shall not be able to get up for chapel. Will the Master 
 be very angry'?' 
 
 ' Well, he might be, you see, sir," replied Mr. Filcher, who 
 never lost an opportunity of making any thing out of his master's in 
 firmities ; " but if you'll leave it to me, sir, I'll make it all right for 
 you, / will. Of course you'd like to take out an ceger, sir ; and I 
 can bring you your Commons just the same. Will that do, sir ?" 
 
74 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 " Oh, thank you ; yes, any thing. You will find five shillings in 
 my waistcoat-pocket, Robert ; please to take it ; but I can't eat." 
 
 " Thank'ee, sir," said the scout, as he abstracted the five shil 
 lings ; " but you'd better have a bit of somethin', sir ; a cup of 
 strong tea, or somethin'. Mr. Smalls, sir, when he were pleasant, 
 he always had beer, sir ; but p'raps you ain't been used to bein' plea 
 sant, sir, and slops might suit you better, sir." 
 
 " Oh, any thing, any thing 1" groaned our poor, unheroic hero, as 
 he turned his face to the wall, and endeavoured to recollect in what 
 way he had been " pleasant" the night before. But, alas ! the wells 
 of his memory had, for the time, been poisoned, and nothing clear or 
 pure could be drawn therefrom. So he got up and looked at himself 
 in the glass, and scarcely recognised the tangled-haired, sallow-faced 
 wretch, whose bloodshot eyes gazed heavily at him from the mirror. 
 So he nervously drained the water-bottle, and buried himself once 
 more among the tossed and tumbled bed-clothes. 
 
 The tea really did him some good, and enabled him to recover 
 sufficient nerve to go feebly through the operation of dressing ; though 
 it was lucky that nature had not yet brought Mr. Verdant Green to 
 the necessity of shaving, for the handling of a razor might have been 
 attended with suicidal results, and have brought these veracious 
 memoirs and their hero to an untimely end. 
 
 He had just sat down to a second edition of tea, and was reading 
 a letter that the post had brought him from his sister Mary, in which 
 she said, " I dare say by this time you have found Mr. Charles Lar- 
 kyns a very delightful companion, and I am sure a very valuable 
 one ; as, from what the rector says, he appears to be so steady, and 
 has such nice quiet companions :" our hero had read as far as this, 
 when a great noise just without his door caused the letter to drop 
 from his trembling hands ; and, between loud fanfares from a post- 
 horn, and heavy thumps upon the oak, a voice was heard, demanding 
 "Entrance in the Proctor's name." 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green had for the first tune " sported his oak." 
 Under any circumstances it would have been a mere form, since his 
 bashful politeness would have induced him to open it to any comer; 
 but, at the dreaded name of the Proctor, he sprang from his chair, 
 and while impositions, rustications, and expulsions rushed tumultu- 
 ously through his disordered brain, he nervously undid the spring- 
 lock, and admitted not the Proctor, but the " steady" Mr. Charles 
 Larkyns and his " nice quiet companion," little Mr. Bouncer, who 
 testified his joy at the success of their coup d'etat, by blowing on his 
 horn loud blasts that might have been borne by Fontarabian echoes, 
 and which rang through poor Verdant's head with indescribable jar- 
 rings. 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 75 
 
 "Well, Verdant," said Charles Larkyns, "how do you find 
 yourself this morning ? You|ook rather shaky." 
 
 "He ain't a very lively picter, is he?" remarked little Mr. 
 Bouncer, with the air of a connoisseur ; " peaky ish you feel, don't 
 you, now, with a touch of the mulligrubs in your collywobbles ? Ah, 
 I know what it is, my boy." 
 
 It was more than our hero did ; and he could only reply that he 
 did not feel very well. "I I had a class of claret after some 
 lobster-salad, and I think it disagreed with me." 
 
 " Not a doubt of it, Verdant," said Charles Larkyns very gravely; 
 "it would have precisely the same effect that the salmon always has 
 at a public dinner, bring on great hilarity, succeeded by a pleasing 
 delirium, and concluding in a horizontal position, and a demand for 
 soda-water." 
 
 " I hope," said our hero, rather faintly, " that I did not conduct 
 myself in an unbecoming manner last night ; for I am sorry to say 
 that I do not remember all that occurred." 
 
 " I should think not, Gig-lamps. You were as drunk as a besom,'* 
 said little Mr. Bouncer, with a side wink to Mr. Larkyns, to prepare 
 that gentleman for what was to follow. " Why, you got on pretty 
 well till old Slowcoach came in, and then you certainly did go it, 
 and no mistake !" 
 
 " Mr. Slowcoach !" groaned the freshman. " Good gracious ! is 
 it possible that he saw me ? I don't remember it." 
 
 "And it would be lucky for you if he didn't," replied Mr. 
 Bouncer. " Why his rooms, you know, are in the same angle of 
 the quad as Smalls' ; so, when you came to shy the empty bottles 
 out of Smalls' window at his window, " 
 
 " Shy empty bottles ! Oh 1" gasped the freshman. 
 
 " Why, of course, ym see, he couldn't stand that sort of game, 
 it wasn't to be expected ; so he puts his head out of the bedroom 
 window, and then, don't you remember crying out, as you pointed 
 to the tassel of his night-cap sticking up straight on end, ' Tally-ho ! 
 Unearth'd at last ! Look at his brush !' Don't you remember that, 
 Gig-lamps ?" 
 
 " Oh, oh, no !" groaned Mr. Bouncer's victim ; " I can't remem 
 ber, oh, what could have induced me !" 
 
 " By Jove, you must have been screwed ! Then I daresay you 
 don't remember wanting to have a polka with him, when he came 
 tip to Smalls' rooms ?" 
 
 A polka ! Oh dear ! Oh no ! Oh !" 
 
 " Or asking him if his mother knew he was out, and what he'd 
 take for his cap without the tassel ; and telling him that he was the 
 joy of your heart, and that you should never be happy unless he'd 
 
76 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 sinile as he was won't to smile, and would love you then as now, 
 and saying all sorts of bosh ? What, not remember it ! ' Oh, 
 what a noble mind is here o'erthrown !' as some cove says in Shak- 
 speare. But how screwed you must have been, Gig-lamps !" 
 
 " And do you think/' inquired our hero, after a short but suffi 
 ciently painful reflection, " do you think that Mr. Slowcoach will 
 oh! expel me ?" 
 
 " Why, it's rather a shave for it," replied his tormentor ; " but 
 the best thing you can do is to write an apology at once : pitch it 
 pretty strong in the pathetic line, say, it's your first offence, and 
 that you'll never be a naughty boy again, and all that sort of thing. 
 You just do that, Gig-lamps, and I'll see that the note goes to the 
 proper place." 
 
 " Oh, thank you !" said the freshman ; and while, with equal 
 difficulty from agitation both of mind and body, he composed and 
 penned the note, Mr. Bouncer ordered up some buttery beer, and 
 
 Charles Larkyns pre- 
 11 ;i /^-^^=^_ pared some soda-water 
 
 with a dash of brandy, 
 which he gave Verdant 
 to drink, and which 
 considerably refreshed 
 thatgentieman. "And 
 I should advise you," 
 he said, " to go out for 
 a constitutional; for 
 walking-tune's come, 
 although you have but 
 just done your break 
 fast. A blow up Headington Hill will do you good, and set you on 
 your legs again." 
 
 So Verdant, after delivering up his note to Mr. Bouncer, took 
 his friend's advice, and set out for his constitutional in his cap and 
 gown, feeling afraid to move without them, lest he should thereby 
 trespass some law. This, of course, gained him some attention after 
 he had crossed Magdalen Bridge ; and he might have almost been 
 taken for the original of that impossible gownsman who appears in 
 Turner's well-known " View of Oxford, from Ferry Hincksey," as 
 wandering 
 
 " Remote, unfriended, solitary, tlov>," 
 
 in a corn-field, in the company of an umbrella ! 
 
 Among the many pedestrians and equestrians that he encoun 
 tered, our freshman espied a short and very stout gentleman, whose 
 
AN OXFOKD FRESHMAN. 
 
 77 
 
 shovel-hat, short apron, and general decanical costume, proclaimed 
 him to be a don of some importance. He was riding a pad-nag, who 
 ambled placidly along, without so much as hinting at an outbreak 
 into a canter ; a performance that, as it seemed, might have been 
 attended with disastrous consequences to his rider. Our hero noticed 
 that the trio of undergraduates who were walking before him, while 
 
 they passed others, who were evidently dons, without the slightest 
 notice (being in mufti), yet not only raised their hats to the stout 
 gentleman, but also separated for that purpose, and performed the 
 salute at intervals of about ten yards. And he further remarked, 
 that while the stout gentleman appeared to be exceedingly gratified 
 at the notice he received, yet that he had also very great difficulty 
 in returning the rapid salutations ; and only accomplished them and 
 retained his seat by catching at the pommel of his saddle, or the 
 mane of his steed, a proceeding which the pad-nag seemed per 
 fectly used to. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green returned home from his walk, feeling all the 
 better for the fresh air and change of scene ; but he still looked, as 
 his neighbour, Mr. Bouncer, kindly informed him, "uncommon 
 seedy and doosid fishy about the eyes ;" and it was some days even 
 before he had quite recovered from the novel excitement of Mr. 
 Smalls' " quiet party." 
 
78 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN ATTENDS LECTURES, AND, IN DESPITE OF 
 SERMONS, HAS DEALINGS WITH FILTHY LUCRE. 
 
 OUR freshman, like all other freshmen, now began to think seriously 
 of work, and plunged desperately into all the lectures that it was pos 
 sible for him to attend, beginning every course with a zealousness 
 that showed him to be filled with the idea that such a plan was emi 
 nently necessary for the attainment of his degree ; in all this in every 
 respect deserving the Humane Society's medal for his brave plunge 
 into the depths of the Pierian spring, to fish up the beauties that 
 had been immersed therein by the poets of old. When we say that 
 our freshman, like other freshmen, " began" this course, we use the 
 verb advisedly ; for, like many other freshmen who start with a 
 burst in learning's race, he soon got winded, and fell back among the 
 ruck. But the course of lectures, like the course of true love, will 
 not always run smooth, even to those who undertake it with the 
 same courage as Mr. Verdant Green. 
 
 The dryness of the daily routine of lectures, which varied about 
 as much as the steak-and-chop, chop-and-steak dinners of ancient 
 taverns, was occasionally relieved by episodes, which, though not 
 witty in themselves, were yet the cause of wit in others ; for it takes 
 but little to cause amusement in a lecture-room, where a bad con 
 strue ; or the imaginative excuses of late-comers ; or the confusion 
 of some young gentleman who has to turn over the leaf of his Greek 
 play and finds it uncut ; or the pounding of the same gentleman in 
 the middle of the first chorus ; or his offensive extrication therefrom 
 through the medium of some Cumberland barbarian ; or the ofncious- 
 ness of the same barbarian to pursue the lecture when every one 
 else has, with singular unanimity, " read no further ;" all these cir 
 cumstances, although perhaps dull enough in themselves, are never 
 theless productive of some mirth in a lecture-room. 
 
 But if there were often late-comers to the lectures, there were 
 occasionally early-goers from them. Had Mr. Four-in-hand Fos- 
 brooke an engagement to ride his horse Tearaway in the amateur 
 steeple-chase, and was he constrained, by circumstances over which 
 (as he protested) he had no control, to put in a regular appearance 
 at Mr. Slowcoach's lectures, what was it necessary for him to do 
 more than to come to lecture in a long greatcoat, put his handker 
 chief to his face as though his nose were bleeding, look appealingly 
 at Mr. Slowcoach, and, as he made his exit, pull aside the long great- 
 
AN OXFORD FRESIIMAN. 79 
 
 coat, and display to his admiring colleagues the snowy cords and tops 
 that would soon be pressing against Tearawaijs sides, that gallant 
 animal being then in waiting, with its trusty groom, in the alley at 
 the back of Brasenface ? And if little Mr. Bouncer, for astute rea- 
 
 sons of his own, wished Mr. Slowcoach to believe that he (Mr. B.) 
 was particularly struck with his (Mr. S.'s) remarks on the force of 
 Kara, in composition, what was to prevent Mr. Bouncer from feigning 
 to make a note of these remarks by the aid of a cigar instead of an 
 ordinary pencil ? 
 
 But besides the regular lectures of Mr. Slowcoach, our hero had 
 also the privilege of attending those of the Rev. Richard Harmony. 
 Much learning, though it had not made Mr. Harmony mad, had, at 
 least in conjunction with his natural tendencies, contributed to make 
 him extremely eccentric ; while to much perusal of Greek and He 
 brew MSS., he probably owed his defective vision. These infirmities, 
 instead of being regarded with sympathy, as wounds received by 
 Mr. Harmony in the classical engagements in the various fields of 
 literature, were, to Mr. Verdant Green's surprise, much imposed 
 upon ; for it was a favourite pastime with the gentlemen who at 
 tended Mr. Harmony's lectures, to gradually raise up the lecture- 
 
80 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 table by a concerted action, and when Mr. Harmony's book had 
 nearly reached to the level of his nose, to then suddenly drop the 
 table to its original level ; upon which Mr. Harmony, to the immense 
 gratification of all concerned, would rub his eyes, wipe his glasses, 
 and murmur, " Dear me ! dear me ! how my head swims this morn 
 ing !" And then he would perhaps ring for his servant, and order 
 his usual remedy, an orange, at which he would suck abstractedly, 
 nor discover any difference in the flavour even when a lemon was 
 surreptitiously substituted. And thus he would go on through the 
 lecture, sucking his orange (or lemon), explaining and expounding in 
 the most skilful and lucid manner, and yet, as far as the " table- 
 movement" was concerned, as unsuspecting and as witless as a little 
 child. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green not only (at first) attended lectures with ex 
 emplary diligence and regularity, but he also duly went to morning 
 and evening chapel ; nor, when Sundays came, did he neglect to turn 
 his feet towards St. Mary's to hear the University sermons. Their 
 effect was as striking to him as it probably is to most persons who 
 have only been accustomed to the usual services of country churches. 
 First, there was the peculiar character of the congregation : , down 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 81 
 
 foelow, the vice-chancellor in his throne, overlooking the other dona 
 in their stalls (being " a complete realisation of stalled Oxon !" as 
 Charles Larkyns whispered to our hero), who were relieved in colour 
 by their crimson or scarlet hoods ; and then, " upstairs," in the north 
 
 and the great west galleries, the black mass of undergraduates ; while 
 a few ladies' bonnets and heads of male visitors peeped from the pews 
 in the aisles, or looked out from the curtains of the- organ-gallery, 
 where, "by the kind permission of Dr. Elvey," they were accommo 
 dated with seats, and watched with wonder, while 
 
 " The wild wizard's fingers, 
 
 With magical skill, 
 Made music that lingers 
 In memory still." 
 
82 THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VEKDANT GHEEX, 
 
 Then there was the bidding-prayer, in which Mr. Verdant Green 
 was somewhat astonished to hear the long list of founders and bene 
 factors, " such as were, Philip Pluckton, Bishop of Iffley ; King Ed 
 ward the Seventh ; Stephen de Henley, Earl of Bagley, and Maud 
 his wife ; Nuneham Courtney, knight,'* with a long et-cetera ; 
 though, as the preacher happened to be a Brazenface man, our hero 
 found that he was " most chiefly bound to praise Clement Abingdon, 
 Bishop of Jericho, and founder of the college of Brazenface ; Richard 
 Glover, Duke of Woodstock ; Giles Peckwater, Abbot of Oseney ; and 
 Binsey Green, Doctor of Music ; benefactors of the same." 
 
 Then there was the sermon itself; the abstrusely learned and 
 classical character of which, at first, also astonished him, after having 
 been so long used to the plain and highly practical advice which the 
 rector, Mr. Larkyns, knew how to convey so well and so simply to 
 his rustic hearers. But as soon as he had reflected on the very 
 different characters of the two congregations, Mr. Verdant Green at 
 once recognised the appropriateness of each class of sermons to its 
 peculiar hearers ; yet he could not altogether drive away the thought, 
 how the generality of those who had on previous Sundays been his 
 fellow-worshippers would open their blue Saxon eyes, and ransack 
 their rustic brains, as to " what could\\ti come to rector," if he were 
 to indulge in Greek and Latin quotations, somewhat after the fol 
 lowing style. " And though this interpretation may in these days be 
 disputed, yet we shall find that it was once very generally received. 
 For the learned St. Chrysostom is very clear on this point, where he 
 says, ' Anna virumque cano, rusticus expectat, sub tegmine fagi f 
 of which the words of Irenaeus are a confirmation, orororoto, 
 7ra7ra7Tjoa4, 7roAv0Xo/<roio daXacrarrj^." Our hero, indeed, could 
 not but help wondering what the fairer portion of the congregation 
 made of these parts of the sermons, to whom, probably, the sentences 
 just quoted would have sounded as full of meaning as those they 
 really heard. 
 
 " Hallo, Gig-lamps 1'' said the cheery voice of little Mr. Bouncer, 
 as he looked one morning into Verdant's rooms, followed by his two 
 bull-terriers ; " why don't you sport something hi the dog line ? Some 
 thing in the bloodhound or tarrier way. Ain't you fond o' dogs ?" 
 
 " Oh, very !" replied our hero. " I once had a very nice one, a 
 King Charles." 
 
 " Oh !" observed Mr. Bouncer, " one of them beggars that you 
 have to feed with spring-chickens, and get up with curling tongs. 
 Ah ! they're all very well in their way, and do for women and carriage- 
 exercise ; but give me this sort of thing !" and Mr. Bouncer patted one 
 of his Yillanous-looking pets, who wagged his corkscrew taU in reply. 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 83 
 
 " Now, these are beauties, and no mistake ! What you call useful 
 and ornamental ; ain't you, Buzzy ? The beggars are brothers ; so I 
 call them Huz and Buz : Huz his first-born, you know, and Buz his 
 brother." 
 
 " I should like a dog," said Verdant ; " but where could I keep 
 one?" 
 
 " Oh, anywhere !" replied Mr. Bouncer confidently. " I keep' 
 these beggars in the little shop for coal, just outside the door. It 
 ain't the law, I know ; but what's the odds as long as they're happy ? 
 They think it no end of a lark. I once had a Newfunland, and 
 tried him there ; but the obstinate brute considered it too small for 
 him, and barked himself in such an unnatural manner, that at last 
 he'd got no wool on the top of his head, -just the place where the 
 wool ought to grow, you know ; so I swopped the beggar to a Skim- 
 mery* man for a regular slap-up set of pets of the ballet, framed and 
 glazed, petticoats and all, mind you. But about your dog, Gig- 
 lamps : that cupboard there would be just the ticket ; you could 
 put him under the wine-bottles, and then there'd be wine above and 
 whine below. Videsne ptter ? D'ye twig, young 'un ? But if you're 
 squeamish about that, there are heaps of places in the town wher* 
 you could keep a beast." 
 
 So, when our hero had been persuaded that the possession of an 
 animal of the terrier species was absolutely necessary to a Univer 
 sity man's existence, he had not to look about long without having 
 the void filled up. Money will in most places procure any thing, from 
 a grant of arms to a pair of wooden legs ; so it is not surprising if, in 
 Oxford, such an every-day commodity as a dog can be obtained 
 through the medium of " filthy lucre ;" for there was a well-known 
 dog-fancier and proprietor, whose surname was that of the rich sub 
 stantive just mentioned, to which had been prefixed the " filthy" ad 
 jective, probably for the sake of euphony. As usual, Filthy Lucre 
 was clumping with his lame leg up and down the pavement just in 
 front of the Brazenface gate, accompanied by his last " new and ex 
 tensive assortment" of terriers of every variety, which he now pulled 
 up for the inspection of Mr. Verdant Green. 
 
 " Is it a long-aird dawg, or a smooth 'un, as you'd most fancy ?" 
 inquired Mr. Lucre. " Har, sir !" he continued, in a flattering tone, 
 as he saw our hero's eye dwelling on a Skye terrier ; " I see you're 
 a gent as does know a good style of dawg, when you see '*un ! It 
 ain't often as you see a Skye sich as that, sir ! Look at his colour, 
 sir, and the way he looks out of his 'air ! He answers to the name 
 f Mop, sir, in consekvence of the length of his 'air ; and he's cheap 
 
 * Oxford slang for "St. Mary's Hall." 
 
84 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 as dirt, sir, at four-ten ! It's a tlirowin' of him away at the price ; 
 and I shouldn't do it, but I've got more dawgs than I've room for; 
 so I'm obligated to make a sacrifice. Four-ten, sir ! 'Ad the dis 
 temper, and everythink, and a reg'lar good 'un for the varmin." 
 
 His merits also being testified to by Mr. Larkyns and Mr. Bouncer 
 (who was considered a high authority in canine matters), and Verdant 
 also liking the quaint appearance of the dog, Mop eventually be 
 came his property, for " four-ten" minus five shillings, but plus a 
 pint of Buttery-beer, which Mr. Lucre always pronounced to be cus 
 tomary " in all dealins whatsumever atween gentlemen." Verdant 
 
 was highly gratified at possessing a real University dog, and he patted 
 Mop, and said, " Poa dog I poo Mop ! poo fellow then !" and thought 
 what a pet his sisters would make of him when he took him back 
 \iome with him for the holi the Vacation ! 
 
 Mop was for following Mr. Lucre, who had clumped away up the 
 street ; and his new master had some difficulty in keeping him at his 
 heels. By Mr. Bouncer's advice, he at once took him over the river 
 to the field opposite the Christ Church meadows, in order to test his 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 85 
 
 rat-killing powers. How this could be done out in the open country ^ 
 our hero was at a loss to know ; but he discreetly held his tongue, for 
 he was gradually becoming aware that a freshman in Oxford must 
 live to learn, and that, as with most men, experientia docet. 
 
 They had just been punted over the river, and Mop had been 
 restored to terra firma, when Mr. Bouncer's remark of " There's the 
 cove that'll do the trick for you !" directed Verdant's attention to an' 
 individual, who, from his general appearance, might have been first 
 cousin to " Filthy Lucre," only that his live stock was of a different 
 description. Slung from his shoulders was a large but shallow wire 
 cage, in which were about a dozen doomed rats, whose futile endea 
 vours to make their escape by running up the sides of their prison 
 
 were regarded with the most intense earnestness by a group of ter 
 riers, who gave way to various phases of excitement. In his hand 
 he carried a smaller circular cage, containing two or three rats for 
 immediate use. On the receipt of sixpence, one of these was lib* 
 rated ; and a few yards start being (sportsmanlike) allowed, the specu 
 lator's terrier was then let loose, joined gratuitously, after a short 
 interval, by a perfect pack in full cry, with a human chorus of " Hoo 
 rat ! Too loo ! loo dog !" The rat turned, twisted, doubled, be- 
 
86 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 came confused, was overtaken, and, with one grip and a shake, was 
 dead ; while the excited pack returned to watch and jump at the 
 wire cages until another doomed prisoner was tossed forth to them. 
 Gentlemen on their way for a walk were thus enabled to wile away 
 A few minutes at the noble sport, and indulge themselves and their 
 dogs with a little healthy excitement ; while the boating costume of 
 other gentlemen showed that they had for a while left aquatic pur 
 suits, and had strolled up from the river to indulge in " the sports of 
 the fancy." 
 
 Although his new master invested several sixpences on Mop's 
 behalf, yet that ungrateful animal, being of a passive temperament of 
 mind as regarded rats, and a slow movement of body, in consequence 
 of his long hair impeding his progress, rather disgraced himself by 
 allowing the sport to be taken from his very teeth. But he still 
 further disgraced himself, when he had been taken back to Brazen- 
 face, by howling all through the night in the cupboard where he had 
 been placed, thereby setting on Mr. Bouncer's two bull-terriers, Huz 
 and Buz, to echo the sounds with redoubled fury from their coal-hole 
 quarters ; thus causing less of sleep and a great outlay of Saxon ex 
 pletives to all the dwellers on the staircase. It was in vain that our 
 hero got out of bed and opened the cupboard-door, and said, " Poo 
 Mop ! good dog, then !" it was in vain that Mr. Bouncer shied boots 
 at the coal-hole, and threatened Huz and Buz with loss of life ; it 
 was in vain that the tenant of the attic, Mr. Sloe, who was a read 
 ing-man, and sat up half the night, working for his degree, it was 
 in vain that he opened his door, and mildly declared (over the banis 
 ters), that it was impossible to get up Aristotle while such a noise 
 was being made ; it was in vain that Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, 
 whose rooms were on the other side of Verdant's, came and adminis 
 tered to Mop severe punishment with a tandem-whip (it was a 
 favourite boast with Mr. Fosbrooke, that he could flick a fly from his 
 leader's ear) ; it was in vain to coax Mop with chicken-bones : he 
 would neither be bribed nor frightened ; and after a deceitful lull of 
 a few minutes, just when every one was getting to sleep again, his 
 melancholy howl would be raised with renewed vigour, and Huz and 
 Buz would join for sympathy. 
 
 " I tell you what, Gig-lamps," said Mr. Bouncer the next morn 
 ing ; " this game '11 never do. Bark's a very good thing to take in 
 its proper way, when you're in want of it, and get it with port wine ; 
 but when you get it by itself and in too large doses, it ain't pleasant, 
 you know. Huz and Buz are quiet enough, as long as they're let 
 alone ; and I should advise you to keep Mop down at bpavin's stables, 
 or somewhere. But first, just let me give the brute the killing he 
 deserves." 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 Poor Mop underwent his punishment like a martyr ; and in the 
 course of the day an arrangement was made with Mr. Spavin for 
 Mop's board and lodging at his stables. But when Verdant called 
 there the next day, for the purpose of taking him for a walk, there 
 was no Mop to be found ; taking advantage of the carelessness 01 
 one of Mr. Spavin's men, he had bolted through the open door, and 
 made his escape. Mr. Bouncer, at a subsequent period, declared that 
 lie met Mop in the company of a well-known Regent-street fancier ; 
 but, however that may be, Mop was lost to Mr. Verdant Green. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 ME. VERDANT GREEN REFORMS HIS TAILORS* BILLS AND RUNS UP 
 OTHERS. HE ALSO APPEARS IN A RAPID ACT OF HORSEMANSHIP, 
 AND FINDS ISIS COOL IN SUMMER. 
 
 THE state of Mr. Verdant Green's outward man had long offended 
 Mr. Charles Larkyns' more civilised taste ; and he one day took occa 
 sion delicately to hint to his friend, that it would conduce more to 
 his appearance as an Oxford undergraduate, if he foreswore the pri 
 mitive garments that his country-tailor had condemned him to wear v 
 and adapted the " build" of his dress to the peculiar requirements 
 of university fashion. 
 
 Acting upon this friendly hint, our freshman at once betook him 
 self to the shop where he had bought his cap and gown, and found 
 its proprietor making use of the invisible soap and washing his hands 
 in the imperceptible water, as though he had not left off that act of 
 imaginary cleanliness since Verdant and his father had last seen him. 
 
 " Oh, certainly, sir; an abundant variety," was his reply to 
 Verdant's question, if he could show him any patterns that were 
 fashionable in Oxford. " The greatest stock hout of London, I should 
 say, sir, decidedly. This is a nice unpretending gentlemanly thing, 
 sir, that we make up a good deal !" and he spread a shaggy substance 
 before the freshman's eyes. 
 
 " What do you make it up for ?" inquired our hero, who thought 
 it more nearly resembled the hide of his lamented Mop than any 
 other substance. 
 
 " Oh, morning garments, sir ! Reading and walking-coats, fol 
 erudition and the promenade, sir ! Looks well with vest of the same 
 material, sprinkled down with coral currant buttons ! We've some 
 
88 
 
 THE ADVENTUEES OF ME. VEEDANT GEEEN, 
 
 sweet tilings in vests, sir ; and some neat, quiet trouserings, that I'm 
 sure would give satisfaction." And the tailor and robe-maker, be 
 tween washings with the invi 
 sible soap, so visibly " soaped" 
 our hero in what is understood 
 to be the shop-sense of the 
 word, and so surrounded him 
 with a perfect irradiation of 
 aggressive patterns of oriental 
 gorgeousness, that Mr. Ver 
 dant Green became bewil 
 dered, and finally made choice 
 of one of the unpretending 
 gentlemanly Mop-]ike coats, 
 and " vest and trouserings" 
 of a neat, quiet, plaid-pattern, 
 in red and green, which, he 
 was informed, were all the 
 rage. 
 
 When these had been sent 
 home to him, together with a 
 neck-tie of Oxford-blue from 
 Randall's, and an immaculate 
 guinea Lincoln -and -Bennett, 
 our hero was delighted with 
 the general effect of the cos 
 tume ; and after calling in at 
 the tailor's to express his ap 
 probation, he at once sallied 
 forth to " do the High," and display his new purchases. A drawn silk 
 bonnet of pale lavender, from which floated some bewitching ringlets, 
 quickly attracted our hero's attention; and the sight of an arch, 
 French-looking face, which (to his short-sighted imagination) smiled 
 upon him as the young lady rustled by, immediately plunged him 
 iato the depths of first-love. Without the slightest encouragement 
 being given him, he stalked this little deer to her lair, and, after 
 some difficulty, discovered the enchantress to be Mademoiselle Mous- 
 lin de Laine, one of the presiding goddesses of a fancy hosiery 
 warehouse. There, for the next fortnight, until which immense 
 period his ardent passion had not subsided, our hero was daily to 
 be seen purchasing articles for which he had no earthly use, but 
 fully recompensed for his outlay by the artless (ill-natured people 
 said, artful) smiles, and engaging, piquant conversation of made 
 moiselle. Our hero, when reminded of this at a subsequent period, 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 89 
 
 protested that he had thus acted merely to improve his French, 
 and only conversed with mademoiselle for educational purposes. But 
 we have our doubts. Credat Judceus I 
 
 About this time also 
 our hero laid the nest- 
 eggs for a very promis 
 ing brood of bills, by 
 acquiring an expensive 
 habit of strolling into 
 shops, and purchasing 
 " an extensive assort 
 ment of articles of every 
 description," for no other 
 consideration than that 
 he should not be called 
 upon to pay for them 
 until he had taken his 
 degree. He also deco 
 rated the walls of his 
 rooms with choice spe 
 cimens of engravings : 
 for the turning over of 3? 
 portfolios at Ryman's, 
 and Wyatt's, usually 
 leads to the eventual 
 
 turning over of a considerable amount of cash ; and our hero had 
 not yet become acquainted with the cheaper circulating-system of 
 pictures, which gives you a fresh set every term, and passes on 
 your old ones to some other subscriber. But, in the mean time, 
 it is very delightful, when you admire any thing, to be able to 
 say, " Send that to my room S" and to be obsequiously obeyed, " no 
 questions asked," and no payment demanded ; and as for the future, 
 why as Mr. Larkyns observed, as they strolled down the High 
 " I suppose the bills will come in some day or other, but the governor 
 will see to them ; and though he may grumble and pull a long face, 
 yet he'll only be too glad you've got your degree, and, in the fulness 
 of his heart, he will open his cheque-book. I daresay old Horace 
 gives very good advice when he says, ' carpe diem ;' but when he 
 adds, * quani minimum credula postero,'* about " not giving the 
 least credit to the succeeding day," it is clear that he never looked 
 forward to the Oxford tradesmen and the credit-system. Do you 
 ever read Wordsworth, Verdant?" continued Mr. Larkyns, as 
 
 * Car. i. od. xi. 
 
90 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. YERDANT GREEN, 
 
 they stopped at the corner of Oriel Street, to look in at a spacious 
 range of shop windows, that were crowded with a costly and glit 
 tering profusion of papier maclie articles, statuettes, bronzes, glass, 
 and every kind of " fancy goods" that could be classed as " art-work 
 manship/' 
 
 " Why, I've not read much of Wordsworth myself," replied our 
 hero ; " but I've heard my sister Mary read a great deal of his 
 poetry." 
 
 " Shows her taste," said Charles Larkyns. " Well, this shop 
 you see the name is Spiers' ; and Wordsworth, in his sonnet to 
 Oxford, has immortalised him. Don't you remember the lines ? 
 
 ' ye Spiers of Oxford ! your presence overpowers 
 The soberness of reason !'* 
 
 It was very queer that Wordsworth should ascribe to Messrs. Spiers 
 
 * "We suspect that Mr. Larkyns is again intentionally deceiving his fresh 
 man friend ; for on looking into our Wordsworth (Misc. Son. iii. 2) we find that 
 the poet does not refer to the establishment of Messrs. Spiers and Son, and that 
 the lines, truly quoted, are, 
 
 " ye spires of Oxford ! domes and towers ! 
 Ga'rdens and groves ! Your presence," &c. 
 
 We blush for Mr. Larkyns ! 
 
AN OXFORD FEESHMAX. 91 
 
 &I1 the intoxication of the place ; but then he was a Cambridge man, 
 and prejudiced. Nice shop, though, isn't it ? Particularly useful, 
 and no less ornamental. It's one of the greatest lounges of the place 
 Let us go in and have a look at what Mrs. Caudle calls the articles 
 of bigotry and virtue." 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green was soon deeply engaged in an inspection of 
 those papier-mache " remembrances of Oxford" for which the Messrs. 
 Spiers are so justly famed; but after turning over tables, trays, 
 screens, desks, albums, portfolios, and other things, all of which 
 displayed views of Oxford from every variety of aspect, and were 
 executed with such truth and perception of the higher qualities of 
 art, that they formed in themselves quite a small but gratuitous 
 Academy exhibition, our hero became so confused among the be 
 wildering allurements around him, as to feel quite an embarras de 
 richesses, and to be in a state of mind in which he was nearly giving 
 Mr. Spiers the most extensive (and expensive) order which probably 
 that gentleman had ever received from an undergraduate. Fortu 
 nately for his purse, his attention was somewhat distracted by per 
 ceiving that Mr. Slowcoach was at his elbow, looking over ink 
 stands and reading-lamps, and also by Charles Larkyns calling upon 
 him to decide whether he should have the cigar-case he had pur 
 chased emblazoned with the heraldic device of the Larkyns, or illu 
 minated with the Euripidean motto, 
 
 To fia.K\t.Ki)V ^wprjfjia Xa/3e, fff. yap <tAJ>. 
 
 When this point had been decided, Mr. Larkyns proposed to Ver 
 dant that he should astonish and delight his governor by having the 
 Green arms emblazoned on a fire-screen, and taking it home with 
 him as a gift. " Or else," he said, " order one with the garden vie\f 
 of Brazenface, and then they'll have more satisfaction in looking at 
 that than at one of those offensive cockatoos, in an arabesque land 
 scape, under a bronze sky, which usually sprawls over every thing 
 that is papier-mache. But you won't see that sort of thing here ; 
 so you can't well go wrong, whatever you buy." Finally, Mr. Ver- 
 ilant Green (N.B. Mr. Green, senior, would have eventually to pay 
 the bill) ordered a fire-screen to be prepared with the family-arms, 
 as a present for his father ; a ditto, with the view of his college, for 
 his mother; a writing-case, with the High Street view, for his aunt; 
 a netting-box, card-case, and a model of the Martyrs' Memorial, for 
 his three sisters; and having thus bountifully remembered his family- 
 tircle, he treated himself with a modest paper-knife, and was treated 
 n return by Mr. Spiers with a perfect bijou of art, in the shape of " a 
 memorial for visitors to Oxford," in which the chief glories of tliat 
 
92 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 eity were set forth in gold and colours, in the most attractive form, 
 and which our hero immediately posted off to the Manor Green. 
 
 " And now, Verdant," said Mr. Larkyns, " you may just as well 
 get a hack, and come for a ride with me. You've kept up your 
 riding, of course." 
 
 " Oh, yes a little 1" faltered our hero. 
 
 Now, the reader may perhaps remember, that in an early part of 
 our veracious chronicle we hinted that Mr. Verdant Green's eques 
 trian performances were but of a humble character. They were, in 
 fact, limited to an occasional ride with his sisters when they required 
 a cavalier; but on these occasions, the old cob, which Verdant called 
 his own, was warranted not to kick, or plunge, or start, or do any 
 thing derogatory to its age and infirmities. So that Charles Larkyns' 
 proposition caused him some little nervous agitation ; nevertheless, as 
 he was ashamed to confess his fears, he, in a moment of weakness, 
 consented to accompany his friend. 
 
 " We'll go to Symonds','' said Mr. Larkyns; "I keep my hack 
 there ; and you can depend upon having a good one." 
 
 So they made their way to Holywell Street, and turned under a 
 gateway, and up a paved yard, to the stables. The upper part of the 
 yard was littered down with straw, and covered in by a light, open 
 roof; and in the stables there was accommodation for a hundred horses. 
 At the back of the stables, and separated from the Wadham Gardens 
 by a narrow lane, was a paddock ; and here they found Mr. Fos- 
 brooke, and one or two of his friends, inspecting the leaping abilities 
 of a fine hunter, which one of the stable-boys was taking backwards 
 and forwards over the hurdles and fences erected for that purpose. 
 
 The horses were soon ready, and Verdant summoned up enough 
 courage to say, with the Count in Mazzppa^ " Bring forth the steed !" 
 And when the steed was brought, in all the exuberance of (literally) 
 animal spirits, he felt that he was about to be another Mazeppa, and 
 perform feats on the back of a wild horse ; and he could not help 
 saying to the ostler, " He looks rather vicious, I'm afraid !" 
 
 " Wicious, sir," replied the groom ; " bless you, sir! she's as sweet- 
 tempered as any young corn an you ever paid your intentions to. 
 The mare's as quiet a mare as was ever crossed ; this ere's ony her 
 play at comin' fresh out of the stable !" 
 
 Verdant, however, had a presentiment that the play would soon 
 become earnest ; but he seated himself in the saddle (after a short 
 delirious dance on one toe), and in a state of extreme agitation, not 
 to say perspiration, proceeded at a walk, by Mr. Larkyns' side, up 
 Holywell Street. Here the mare, who doubtless soon understood 
 what sort of rider she had got on her back, began to be more de 
 monstrative of the " fresh"ness of her animal spirits. Broad Street 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 93 
 
 was scarcely broad enough to contain the series of tableaux vivants 
 
 and heraldic attitudes that she assumed. " Don't pull the curb-rein 
 
 so !" shouted Charles Larkyns ; but Verdant was in far too dreadful 
 
 a state of mind to understand what he said, or even to know which 
 
 was the curb -rein; 
 
 and after convulsively 
 
 clutching at the mane 
 
 and the pommel, in his 
 
 endeavours to keep his 
 
 seat, he first " lost his 
 
 head," and then his seat, 
 
 and ignominiously glid 
 
 ing over the mare's tail, 
 
 found that his lodging 
 
 was on the cold ground. 
 
 Relieved of her burden, 
 
 the mare quietly trotted 
 
 back to her stables; 
 
 while Verdant, finding 
 
 himself unhurt, got up, 
 
 replaced his hat and 
 
 spectacles, and regis 
 
 tered a mental ypw 
 
 never to mount an Ox 
 
 ford hack again. 
 
 " Never mind, old 
 fellow!" said Charles 
 
 Larkyns, consolingly ; " these little accidents will occur, you know, 
 even with the best-regulated riders ! There were not more than a 
 dozen ladies saw you, though you certainly made very creditable 
 exertions to ride over one or two of them. Well ! if you say you 
 won't go back to Symonds', and get another hack, I must go on 
 solus j but I shall see you at the Bump-supper to-night ! I got old 
 Blades to ask you to it. I'm going now in search of an appetite, 
 and I should advise you to take a turn round the Parks and do the 
 same. Au reservoir /" 
 
 So our hero, after he had compensated the livery-stable keeper, 
 followed his friend's advice, and strolled round the neatly-kept 
 potato-gardens denominated " the Parks," looking in vain for the 
 deer that have never been there, and finding them represented only 
 by nursery-maids and others. 
 
 Mr. Blades, familiarly known as " old Blades" and " Billy," was 
 a gentleman who was fashioned somewhat after the model of the 
 
94 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MK. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 torso of Hercules ; and, as Stroke of the Brazenface boat, was held in 
 high estimation, not only by the men of his own college, but also by 
 the boating men of "the University at large. His University existence 
 seemed to be engaged in one long struggle, the end and aim of which 
 was to place the Brazenface boat in that envied position known in 
 aquatic anatomy as " the head of the river ;" and in this struggle 
 all Mr. Blades' energies of mind and body, though particularly of 
 body, were engaged. Not a freshman was allowed to enter Brazen- 
 face, but immediately Mr. Blades' eye was upon him ; and if the ex 
 pansion of the upper part of his coat and waistcoat denoted that his 
 muscular development of chest and arms was of a kind that might 
 be serviceable to the great object aforesaid the placing of the Bra 
 zenface boat at the head of the river, then Mr. Blades came and 
 made flattering proposals to the new-comer to assist in the great 
 work. But he was also indefatigable, as secretary to his college 
 club, in seeking out all freshmen, even if their thews and sinews were 
 not muscular models, and inducing them to aid the glorious cause by 
 becoming members of the club. A Bump-supper, that is, ye unin- 
 
 'tiated ! a supper to commemorate the fact of the boat of one college 
 Having, in the annual races, bumped, or touched the boat of another 
 college immediately in its front, thereby gaining a place towards the 
 head of the river, a Bump-supper was a famous opportunity for dis 
 covering both the rowing and paying capabilities of freshmen, who, 
 in the enthusiasm of the moment, would put down their two or three 
 
AN OXFOKD FKESHMAN. 95 
 
 guineas, and at once propose their names to be enrolled as members 
 at the next meeting of the club. 
 
 And thus it was with Mr. Verdant Green, who, before the even* 
 ing was over, found that he had not only given in his name (" pro 
 posed by Charles Larkyns, Esq., seconded by Henry Bouncer, Esq."), 
 but that a desire was burning within his breast to distinguish himself 
 in aquatic pursuits. Scarcely any thing else was talked of during the 
 whole evening but the prospective chances of Brazenface bumping 
 Balliol and Brasenose, and thereby getting to the head of the river. 
 It was also mysteriously whispered, that Worcester and Christ Church 
 were doing well, and might prove formidable ; and that Exeter, Lin 
 coln, and Wadham were very shady, and not doing the things that 
 were expected of them. Great excitement too was caused by the* 
 announcement, that the Balliol stroke had knocked up, or knocked 
 down, or done something which Mr. Verdant Green concluded he 
 ought not to have done ; and that the Brazenose bow had been seen 
 with a cigar in his mouth, and also eating pastry in Hall, things 
 shocking in themselves, and quite contrary to all training principles. 
 Then there were anticipations of Henley ; and criticisms on the new 
 eight out-rigger that Searle was laying down for the University crew ; 
 and comparisons between somebody's stroke and somebody else's 
 spurt ; and a good deal of reference to Clasper and Coombes, and 
 Newall and Pococke, who might have been heathen deities for all 
 that our hero knew, and from the manner in which they were men 
 tioned. 
 
 The aquatic desires that were now burning in Mr. Verdant 
 Green's breast could only be put out by the water ; so to the river 
 lie next day went, and, by Charles Larkyns' advice, made his first 
 essay in a " tub" from Hall's. Being a complete novice with the 
 oars, our hero had no sooner pulled off his coat and given a pull, than 
 he succeeded in catching a tremendous " crab," the eifect of which 
 was to throw him backwards, and almost to upset the boat. Fortu 
 nately, however, " tubs" recover their equilibrium almost as easily as 
 tombolas, and " the Sylph" did not belie its character; so the fresh 
 man again assumed a proper position, and was shoved off with a boat- 
 hook. At first he made some hopeless splashes in the stream, the 
 only effect of which was to make the boat turn with a circular move 
 ment towards Folly Bridge ; but Charles Larkyns at once came to 
 the rescue with the simple but energetic compendium of boating in" 
 etruction, " Put your oar in deep, and bring it out with a jerk !" 
 
 Bearing this in mind, our hero's efforts met with well-merited 
 success ; and he soon passed that mansion which, instead of cellars, 
 appears to have an ingenious system of small rivers to thoroughly 
 irrigate its foundations. One by one, too, he passed those house- 
 
96 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 boats which are more like the Noah's arks of toy-shops than any 
 thing else, and sometimes contain quite as original a mixture of 
 
 animal specimens. Warming with his exertions, Mr. Verdant Green 
 passed the University barge in great style, just as the eight was pre 
 paring to start ; and though he was not able to " feather his oars 
 with skill and dexterity," like the jolly young waterman in the song, 
 yet his sleight-of-hand performances with them proved not only a 
 source of great satisfaction to the crews on the river, but also to the 
 promenaders on the shore. 
 
 He had left the Christ Church meadows far behind, and was be 
 ginning to feel slightly exhausted by his unwonted exertions, when 
 he reached that bewildering part of the river termed " the Gut." So 
 confusing were the intestine commotions of this gut, that, after passing 
 a chequered existence as an aquatic shuttlecock, and being assailed 
 with a slang- dictionary-full of opprobrious epithets, Mr. Verdant 
 Green caught another tremendous crab, and before he could recover 
 himself, the " tub" received a shock, and, with a loud cry of " Boat 
 ahead !" ringing in his ears, the University Eight passed over the 
 place where he and " the Sylph" had so lately disported themselves. 
 
 With the wind nearly knocked out of his body by the blade of 
 the bow-oar striking him on the chest as he rose to the surface, oui 
 unfortunate hero was immediately dragged from the water, in a con 
 dition like that of the child in The Stranger (the only joke, by the 
 way, in that most dreary play) " not dead, but very wet !" and forth 
 with placed in safety in his deliverer's boat. 
 
 " Hallo, Gig-lamps ! who the doose had thought of seeing you 
 here, devouring Isis in this expensive way I" said a voice very coolly. 
 
AN OXFORD FBESHMAN. 
 
 97 
 
 And our hero found that he had been rescued by Iktle Mr. Bouncer, 
 who had been tacking up the river in company with Huz and Buz 
 and his meerschaum. " You have been and gone and done it now, 
 young man !" continued the vivacious little gentleman, as he surveyed 
 our hero's draggled and forlorn condition. " If you'd only a comb 
 and .a glass in your hand, you'd look distressingly like a cross-breed 
 with a mermaid ! You' ain't subject to the whatdyecallemg the 
 rheumatics, are you ? Because, if so, I could put you on shore at a 
 
 tidy little shop where you can get a glass of brandy-and-water, and 
 have your clothes dried ; and then mamma won't scold." 
 
 " Indeed," chattered our hero, " I shall be very glad indeed ; for 
 I feel rather cold. But what am I to do with my boat ?" 
 
 " Oh, the Lively Polly, or whatever her name is, wfll find her 
 way back safe enough. There are plenty of boatmen on the river 
 who'll see to her and take her back to her owner ; and if you got 
 her from Hall's, I daresay she'll dream that she's dreamt in marble 
 halls, like you did, Gig-lamps, that night at Smalls', when you got 
 wet in rather a more lively style than you've done to-day. Now I'll 
 tack you up to that little shop I told you of." 
 
 So there our hero was put on shore, and Mr. Bouncer made fast 
 
98 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 his boat and accompanied him ; and did not leave him until he had 
 seen him between the blankets, drinking a glass of hot brandy-and- 
 water, the while his clothes were smoking before the fire. 
 
 This little adventure (for a time at least) checked Mr. Verdant 
 Green's aspirations to distinguish himself on the river ; and he there 
 fore renounced the sweets of the Isis, and contented himself by prac 
 tising with a punt on the Cherwell. There, after repeatedly over 
 balancing himself in the most suicidal manner, he at length peacefully 
 settled down into the lounging blissfulness of a " Cherwell water- 
 
 lily ;" and on the hot days, among those gentlemen who had moored 
 their punts underneath the overhanging boughs of the willows and 
 limes, and beneath their cool shade were lying, in dolcefar niente 
 fashion, with their legs up and a weed in their mouth, reading the 
 last new novel, or some less immaculate work, among these gentle 
 men might haply have been discerned the form and spectacles of Mr. 
 Verdant Green, 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN'S SPORTS AND PASTIMES. 
 
 ARCHERY was all the fashion at Brazenface. They had as fine a 
 lawn for it as the Trinity men had ; and all clay long there was 
 somebody to be seen making holes in the targets, and endeavouring 
 to realise the pose of the Apollo Belvidere ; rather a difficult thing 
 to do, when you come to wear plaid trousers and shaggy coats. As 
 Mr. Verdant Green felt desirous not only to uphold all the institu 
 tions of the University, but also to make himself acquainted with 
 the sports and pastimes of the place, he forthwith joined the Archery 
 and Cricket Clubs. He at once inspected the manufactures of Muir 
 arid Buchanan ; and after selecting from their stores a fancy-wood 
 bow, with arrows, belt, quiver, guard, tips, tassels, and grease-pot, 
 he felt himself to be duly prepared to represent the Toxophilite cha 
 racter. But the sustaining it was a more difficult thing than he had 
 conceived ; for although he thought that it would be next to impos 
 sible to miss a shot 
 when the target was so 
 large, and the arrow 
 went so easily from the 
 bow, yet our hero soon 
 discovered that even in 
 the first steps of arch 
 ery there was some 
 thing to be learnt, and 
 that the mere stringing 
 of his bow was a per 
 formance attended with 
 considerable difficulty. 
 It was always slipping 
 from his instep, or twist 
 ing the wrong way, or 
 threatening to snap in 
 sunder, or refusing to 
 allow his fingers to slip 
 the knot, or doing some 
 thing that was dread 
 fully uncomfortable, and productive of perspiration; and two or 
 three times he was reduced to the abject necessity of asking his 
 friends to string his 'bow for him. 
 
100 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 But when he had mas 
 tered this slight difficulty, he 
 found that the arrows (to use 
 Mr. Bouncer's phrase) " wob 
 bled," and had a predilec 
 tion for going any where but 
 into the target, notwithstand 
 ing its size; and unfortu 
 nately one went into the body 
 of the Honourable Mr. Stor- 
 mer's favourite Skye terrier, 
 though, thanks to its shaggy 
 coat and the bluntness of 
 the arrow, it did not do a 
 great amount of mischief; 
 nevertheless, the vials of 
 Mr. Stormer's wrath were 
 outpoured upon Mr. Ver 
 dant Green's head; and such 
 epea pteroenta followed the 
 
 winged arrow, that our hero became alarmed, and for the tune for 
 swore archery practice. 
 
 Ashe had fully equip- 
 pedhimself for archery, 
 so also Mr. Verdant 
 Green (on the autho 
 rity of Mr. Bouncer) got 
 himself up for cricket 
 regardless of expense ; 
 and he made his first 
 appearance in the field 
 in a straw hat with blue 
 ribbon, and "flannels," 
 and spiked shoes of per 
 fect propriety. As Mr. 
 Bouncer had told him 
 that, in cricket, attitude 
 was every thing, Ver 
 dant, as soon as he went 
 in for his innings, took 
 up what he considered 
 to be a very good posi 
 tion at the wicket. Lit 
 tle Mr. Bouncer, who 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 was bowling, delivered 
 the ball with a swiftness 
 that seemed rather as 
 tonishing in such a 
 small gentleman. The 
 first ball was " wide ;" 
 nevertheless, Verdant 
 (after it had passed) 
 struck at it, raising his 
 bat high in the air, and 
 bringing it straight down 
 to the ground as though 
 it were an executioner's 
 axe. The second ball 
 was nearer to the mark ; 
 but it came in with such 
 swiftness, that, as Mr. 
 Verdant Green was 
 quite new to round 
 bowling, it was rather 
 too quick for him, and 
 hit him severely on the , well, never mind, on the trousers. 
 
 " Hallo, Gig-lamps !" shouted the delighted Mr. Bouncer, " r 
 thing like backing 
 up ; but it's no use 
 assuming a stern 
 appearance; you'll 
 get your hand in 
 soon, old feller !" 
 
 But Verdant 
 found that before he 
 could get his hand 
 in, the ball was got 
 into his wicket ; 
 and that while he 
 was preparing for 
 the strike, the ball 
 shot by; and, as Mr. 
 Stumps, the wicket- 
 keeper, kindly in 
 formed him, "there 
 was a row in 
 his timber-yard." 
 Thus Verdant's 
 score was always 
 
102 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VEBDAJSTT GREEN, 
 
 on the lucus a non lucendo principle of derivation, for not even to a 
 quarter of a score did it ever reach ; and he felt that he should 
 never rival a Mynn or he a Parr with any one of the " All Eng 
 land" players. 
 
 Besides these out-of-door sports, our hero also devoted a good 
 deal of his time to acquiring in-door games, heing quickly initiated 
 into the mysteries of hilliards, and plunging headlong into pool. It 
 was in the billiard-room that Verdant first formed his acquaintance 
 with Mr. Fluke of Christ Church, well known to he the hest player 
 in the University, and who, if report spoke truly, always made his 
 
 five hundred a year by his skill in the game. Mr. Fluke kindly put 
 our hero " into the way to become a player ;" and Verdant soon found 
 the apprenticeship was attended with rather heavy fees. 
 
 At the wine-parties also that he attended he became rather a 
 greater adept at cards than he had formerly been. " Van John" 
 was the favourite game ; and he was not long in discovering that 
 staking shillings and half-crowns, instead of counters and " fish," and 
 going odds on the colours, and losing five pounds before he was aware 
 of it, was a very different thing to playing vingt-et-un at home with 
 his sisters for " love" (though perhaps cards afford the only way 
 in which young ladies at twenty-one will play for love). 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 103 
 
 
 In returning to ^ 
 Birazenface late from 
 these parties, our hero " x j 
 was sometimes fright 
 fully alarmed by sud 
 denly finding himself 
 face to face with a 
 dreadful apparition, 
 to which, by constant ||j|f| 
 familiarity, he gradu 
 ally became accus- II !'jj|r 
 tomed, and learned ]/ 
 to look upon as the 
 proctor with his mar 
 shal and bull-dogs. J 
 At first, too, he was \ 
 on such occasions '# 
 greatly alarmed at 
 finding the gates of 
 Brazenfkce closed, 
 
104 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GHEEtf, 
 
 obliging him thereby to " knock-in ;" and not only did he apologise 
 to the porter for troubling him to open the wicket, but he also vo 
 lunteered elaborate explanations of the reasons that had kept him out 
 after time, explanations that were not received in the spirit' with 
 which they were tendered. When our freshman became aware of 
 the mysteries of a gate-bill, he felt more at his ease. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green learned many things during his freshman's 
 term, and, among others, he discovered that the quiet retirement of 
 college-rooms, of which he had heard so much, was in many cases an 
 unsubstantial idea, founded on imagination, and built up by fancy. 
 One day that he had been writing a letter in Mr. Smalls' rooms, 
 which were on the groftnd-floor, Verdant congratulated himself that his 
 
 own rooms were on the third floor, 
 and were thus removed from the 
 possibility of his friends, when he 
 had sported his oak, being able to 
 get through his window to " chaff" 
 him; but he soon discovered that 
 rooms upstairs had also objection 
 able points in their private charac 
 ter, and were not altogether such 
 eligible apartments as he had at first 
 anticipated. First there was the 
 getting up and down the dislocated 
 staircase, a feat which at night was 
 sometimes attended with difficulty. 
 
 Then, when he had accomplished this feat, there was no way of 
 escaping from the noise of his neighbours. Mr. Sloe, the reading- 
 man in the garret above, was one of those abominable nuisances, a 
 peripatetic student, who " got up" every sub 
 ject by pacing up and down his limited apart 
 ment, and, like the sentry, "walked his dreary 
 round" at unseasonable hours of the night, 
 at which time could be plainly heard the 
 wretched chuckle, and crackings of knuckles 
 (Mr. Sloe's way of expressing intense delight), 
 with which he welcomed some miserable joke 
 of Aristophanes, painfully elaborated by the 
 help of Liddell-and-Scott ; or the disgustingly- 
 sonorous way in which he declaimed his Greek 
 choruses. This was bad enough at night, 
 but in the day-time there was a still greater 
 nuisance. The rooms immediately beneath 
 Vordant's were possessed by a gentleman whose musical powers were 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 105 
 
 of an unusually limited description, but who, unfortunately for his 
 neighbours, possessed the idea that the cornet- a-piston was a beautiful 
 instrument for pic-nics, races, boating-parties, and other long-vaca 
 tion amusements, and sedulously practised " In my cottage near a 
 wood," " Away with melancholy," and 
 other airs of a lively character, in a dole 
 ful and distracted way, that would have 
 fully justified his immediate homicide, or, 
 at any rate, the confiscation of his offend 
 ing instrument. 
 
 Then, on the one side of Verdant's 
 room, was Mr. Bouncer, sounding his 
 octaves, and " going the complete uni 
 corn;" and his bull-terriers, Huz and 
 Buz, all and each of whom were of a 
 restless and loud temperament: while, 
 on the other side, were Mr. Four-in-hand 
 Fosbrooke's rooms, in which fencing, box 
 ing, single-stick, and other violent sports were gone through, witb 
 a great expenditure of "Sa-ha! sa-ha!"and stampings. Verdant 
 was sometimes induced to go in, and never could sufficiently admire 
 the way in which men could be rapped with single-sticks without 
 crying out or flinching ; for it made him almost sore even to look 
 at them. Mr. Blades, the stroke, was a frequent visitor there, and 
 developed his muscles in the most satisfactory manner. 
 
 After many refusals, our hero was at length persuaded to put on. 
 the gloves, and have a friendly bout with Mr. Blades. The result 
 was as might have been anticipated ; and Mr. Smalls doubtless gave 
 a very correct resume of the proceeding (for, as we have before said, 
 he was thoroughly conversant with the sporting slang of Tintinnabu- 
 
i.06 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VEKDANT GREEN, 
 
 /urn's Life), when he told Verdant, that his claret had been repeatedly 
 tapped, his bread-basket walked into, his day-lights darkened, hia 
 ivories rattled, his nozzle barked, his whisker-bed napped heavily 
 Ms kissing-trap countered, his ribs roasted, his nut spanked, and his 
 
 whole person put in chancery, stung, bruised, fibbed, propped, fiddled, 
 slogged, and otherwise ill-treated. So it is hardly to be wondered 
 ;at if Mr. Verdant Green from thenceforth gave up boxing, as a 
 senseless and ungentlemanly amusement. 
 
 But while these pleasures (?) of the body were being attended to, 
 the recreation of the mind was not forgotten. Mr. Larkyns had pro 
 posed Verdant's name at the Union ; and, to that gentleman's great 
 satisfaction, he was not black-balled. He daily, therefore, frequented 
 the reading-room, and made a point of looking through all the maga- 
 .zines and newspapers ; while he felt quite a pride in sitting in luxu 
 rious state upstairs, writing his letters to the home department on the 
 very best note-paper, and sealing them extensively with " the Oxford 
 Union" seal ; though he could not at first be persuaded that trusting 
 his letters to a wire closet was at all a safe system of postage. 
 
 He also attended the Debates, which were then held in the long 
 room behind Wyatt's ; and he was particularly charmed with the 
 manner in which vital questions, that (as he learned from the news 
 papers) had proved stumbling-blocks to the greatest statesmen of the 
 land, were rapidly solved by the embryo statesmen of the Oxford 
 Union. It was quite a sight, in that long picture-room, to see the 
 TOWS of light iron seats densely crowded with young men some of 
 whom would perhaps rise to be Cannings, or Peels, or Gladstones, 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 107 
 
 and to hear how one beardless gentleman would call another beardless 
 gentleman his " honourable friend/' and appeal " to the sense of the 
 House," and address himself to "Mr. Speaker;" and how they would 
 all juggle the same tricks of rhetoric as their fathers were doing in 
 certain other debates in a certain other House. And it was curious, 
 too, to mark the points of resemblance between the two Houses ; and 
 how the smaller one had, on its smaller scale, its Hume, and its Lord 
 John, and its " Dizzy ;" and how they went through the same tra 
 ditional forms, and preserved the same time-honoured ideas, and de 
 bated in the fullest houses, with the greatest spirit and the greatest 
 length, on such points as, " What course is it advisable for this coun 
 try to take in regard to the government of its Indian possessions, and 
 the imprisonment of Mr. Jones by the Rajah of Humbugpoopoonah ?" 
 Indeed, Mr. Verdant Green was so excited by this interesting debate, 
 that on the third night of its adjournment he rose to address the House ; 
 but being "no orator as Brutus is," his few broken words were received 
 with laughter, and the honourable gentleman was coughed down. 
 
 Our hero had, as an Oxford freshman, to go through that cheerful 
 form called " sitting in the schools," a form which consisted in the 
 following ceremony. Through a door in the right-hand corner of 
 the Schools Quadrangle, (Oh, that door ! does it not bring a pang 
 into your heart only to think of it ? to remember the day when you 
 went in there as pale as the little pair of bands in which you were 
 dressed for your sacrifice ; and came out all in a glow and a chill 
 when your examination was over ; and posted your .bosom-friend 
 there to receive from Purdue the little slip of paper, and bring you 
 the thrilling intelligence that you had passed ; or to come empty- 
 handed, and say that you had been plucked ! Oh, that door ! well 
 might be inscribed there the line which, on Dante's authority, is 
 assigned to the door of another place, 
 
 " ALL HOPE ABANDON, YE WHO ENTER HERE !") 
 
 entering through this door in company with several other unfor 
 tunates, our hero passed between two galleries through a passage, 
 by which, if the place had been a circus, the horses would have en 
 tered, and found himself in a tolerably large room lighted on either 
 side by windows, and panelled half-way up the walls. Down the 
 centre of this room ran a large green-baize-covered table, on the one 
 side of which were some eight or ten miserable beings who were then 
 undergoing examination, and were supplied with pens, ink, blotting- 
 pad, and large sheets of thin " scribble-paper," on which they were 
 struggling to impress their ideas; or else had a book set before them, 
 out of which they were construing, or being racked with questions 
 that touched now on one subject and now on another, like a bee 
 
108 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 among flowers. The large table was liberally supplied with all the 
 apparatus and instruments of torture ; and on the other side of it sat 
 the three examiners, as dreadful and formidable as the terrible three 
 of Venice. At the upper end of the room was a chair of state for 
 the Vice-Chancellor, whenever he deigned to personally superintend 
 the torture ; to the right and left of which accommodation was pro 
 
 vided for other victims. On the right hand of the room was a small 
 open gallery of two seats (like those seen in infant schools) ; and here, 
 from 10 in the morning till 4 in the afternoon, with only the interval of 
 a quarter of an hour for luncheon, Mr. Verdant Green was compelled 
 to sit and watch the proceedings, his perseverance being attested to by 
 a certificate which he received as a reward for his meritorious conduct, 
 If this " sitting in the schools"* was established as an in terror em 
 form for the spectators, it undoubtedly generally had the desired 
 effect ; and what with the misery of sitting through a whole day on 
 a hard bench with nothing to do, and the agony of seeing your fellow- 
 creatures plucked, and having visions of the same prospective fate for 
 yourself, the day on which the sitting took place was usually regarded 
 
 * This form has been abolished (1853) under the new regtilations. 
 
AN OXFORD FKESHMAN. 
 
 109 
 
 as one of those which, "if 'twere done, 'twere well it should be done 
 quickly." 
 
 As an appropriate sequel to this proceeding, Mr. Verdant Green 
 attended the interesting ceremony of conferring degrees ; where he 
 discovered that the apparently insane promenade of the proctor 
 
 gave rise to the name bestowed on (what Mr. Larkyns called) the 
 equally insane custom of " plucking."* There too our hero saw 
 the Vice-Chancellor in all his glory ; and so agreeable were the 
 proceedings, that altogether he had a great deal of Bliss.-f- 
 
 * When the degrees are conferred, the name of each person is read out 
 before he is presented to the Vice- Chancellor. The proctor then walks once 
 up and down the room, so that any person who objects to the degree being 
 granted may signify the same by pulling or " plucking" the proctor's robes. 
 This has been occasionally done by tradesmen, in order to obtain payment o-. 
 their " little bills ;" but such a proceeding is very rare, and the proctor's pro 
 menade is usually undisturbed. 
 
 t The Rev. Philip Bliss, D.C.L., after holding the onerous post of Begistras. 
 of the University for many years, and discharging its duties in a way that called 
 forth the unanimous thanks of the University, resigned office in 1853. 
 
110 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEJ* TERMINATES HIS EXISTENCE AS AN OXFOBI> 
 FRESHMAN. 
 
 " BEFORE I go home," said Mr. Verdant Green, ac he expelled a 
 volume of smoke from his lips, for he had overcome his first weak 
 ness, and now " took his weed" regularly, " before I go home, I 
 must see what I owe in the place ; for my father said he did not like 
 for me to run in debt, but wished me to settle my bills terminally." 
 "What, you're afraid of having what we call bill-ious fever, I 
 suppose, eh ?" laughed Charles Larkyns. " All exploded ideas, my 
 dear fellow. They do very well in their way, but they don't an 
 swer ; don't pay, in fact ; and the shopkeepers don't like it either. 
 By the way, I can show you a great curiosity; the autograph of 
 an Oxford tradesman, very rare I I think of presenting it to the 
 
 Ashmolean." And Mr. Larkyns opened his writing-desk, and took 
 therefrom an Oxford pastrycook's bill, on which appeared the magic 
 word, " Received." 
 
 " Now, there is one thing," continued Mr. Larkyns, "which you 
 really must do before you go down, and that is to see Blenheim, 
 And the best thing that you can do is to join Fosbrooke and Bouncer 
 and me, in a trap to Woodstock to-morrow. We'll go in good time, 
 and make a day of it." 
 
 Verdant readily agreed to make one of the party ; and the next 
 morning, after a breakfast in Charles Larkyns' rooms, they made 
 their way to a side street leading out of Beaumont Street, where the 
 dog-cart was in waiting. ' As it was drawn by two horses, placed in 
 tandem fashion, Mr. Fosbrooke had an opportunity of displaying his 
 
AN OXFORD FEESHMAN. 
 
 Ill 
 
 Jehu powers; -which he did to great advantage, not allowing his 
 leader to run his nose into the cart, and being enabled to turn sharp 
 corners without chipping the bricks, or running the wheel up the 
 bank. 
 
 They reached Woodstock after a very pleasant ride, and clat 
 tered up its one long street to the principal hotel ; but Mr. Fos- 
 brooke whipped into the yard to the left so rapidly, that our hero, 
 who was not much used to the back seat of a dog-cart, flew off by 
 some means at a tangent to the right, and was consequently degraded 
 in the eyes of the inhabitants. 
 
 \ 
 
 After ordering for dinner every thing that the house was enabled 
 to supply, they made their way in the first place (as it could only be 
 seen between 11 and 1) to Blenheim ; the princely splendours of 
 which were not only costly in themselves, but, as our hero soon found, 
 costly also to the sight-seer. The doors in the suite of apartments 
 were all opposite to each other, so that, as a crimson cord was passed 
 from one to the other, the spectator was kept entirely to the one side 
 of the room, and merely a glance could be obtained of the Raffaelle, 
 the glorious Eubens's,* the Vandycks, and the almost equally fine 
 Sir Joshuas. But even the glance they had was but a passing one, 
 
 * Dr. Waagen says that the Rubens collection at Blenheim is only surpassed 
 by the royal galleries of Munich, Vienna, Madrid, and Paris. 
 
112 THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 as the servant trotted them through the rooms with the rapidity of 
 locomotion and explanation of a Westminster Abbey verger ; and he 
 made a fierce attack on Verdant, who had lagged behind, and was 
 short-sightedly peering at the celebrated " Charles the First" of Van- 
 dyck, as though he had lingered in order to surreptitiously appro 
 priate some of the tables, couches, and other trifling articles that 
 ornamented the rooms. In this way they went at railroad pace 
 through the suite of rooms and the library, where the chief thing 
 pointed out appeared to be a grease-mark on the floor made by some 
 body at somebody else's wedding-breakfast, and to the chapel, 
 where they admired the ingenuity of the sparrows and other birds 
 that built about Rysbrach's monumental mountain of marble to the 
 memory of the Duke and Duchess of Marlborough ; and then to the 
 so-called " Titian room," (shade of mighty Titian, forgive the insult!) 
 where they saw the Loves of the Gods represented in the most un 
 loveable manner,* and where a flunkey lounged lazily at the door, 
 and, in spite of Mr. Bouncer's expostulatory " chaff," demanded 
 half-a-crown for the sight. 
 
 Indeed, the sight-seeing at Blenheim seemed to be a system of 
 half-crowns. The first servant would take them a little way. and 
 then say, " I don't go any further, sir ; half-a-crown !" and hand 
 them over to servant number two, who, after a short interval, w r ould 
 pass them on (half-a-crown!) to the servant who showed the chapel 
 (half-a-crown \\ who would forward them on to the " Titian" Gallery 
 (half-a-crown !), who would hand them over to the flower-garden 
 (half-a-crown !), who would entrust them to the rose-garden (half-a- 
 crown !), who would give them up to another, who showed parts of 
 the Park, and the rest of it. Somewhat in this manner an Oxford 
 party sees Blenheim (the present of the nation) ; and Mr. Verdant 
 Green found it the most expensive show-place he had ever seen. 
 
 Some of the Park, however, was free (though they were two or 
 three times ordered to " get off the grass") ; and they rambled about 
 among the noble trees, and admired the fine views of the Hall, and 
 smoked their weeds, and became very pathetic at Rosamond's Spring. 
 They then came back into Woodstock, which they found to be like 
 all Oxford towns, only rather duller perhaps, the principal signs of 
 life being some fowls lazily pecking about in the grass-grown street, 
 and two cats sporting without fear of interruption from a dog, who was 
 too much overcome by the ennui of the place to interfere with them. 
 
 * The ladies alone would repel one by their gaunt ugliness, their flesh being 
 apparently composed of the article on which the pictures are painted leather. 
 The only picture not by " Titian" in this room is a Rubens, " the Rape of 
 Proserpine," to see which is well worth the half-crown diarged for tho sight 
 of the others. 
 
AN 
 
 FRESHMAN. 
 
 113 
 
 Mr. Bouncer then led tlie way to an inn, where the bar was pre 
 sided over by a young lady, " on whom," lie said, " he was desper 
 ately sweet," and with whom he conversed in the most affable and 
 brotherly manner, and for whom also he had brought, as an appro 
 priate present, a Book of Comic Songs ; " for," said the little gen 
 tleman, " hang it ! she's a girl of what you call mind, you know ! and 
 she's heard of the opera, and begun the piano, though she don't 
 get much time, you see, for it in the bar, and she sings regular 
 slap-up, and no mistake !" 
 
 So they left this young lady drawing bitter beer for Mr. Bouncer, 
 and otherwise attending to her adorer's wants, and endeavoured to 
 have a game of billiards on a wooden table that had no cushions, 
 with curious cues that had no leathers. Slightly failing in this 
 difficult game, they strolled about till dinner-time, when Mr. Verdant 
 Green became mysteriously lost for some time, and was eventually found 
 by Charles Larkyns and Mr. Fosbrooke in a glover's shop, where he 
 was sitting on a high stool, and basking in the sunshiny smiles of two 
 "" neat little glovers." Our hero at first feigned to be simply making 
 
 purchases of Woodstock gloves and pun*s, as souvenirs of his visit, 
 and presents for his sisters ; but in the course of the evening, being 
 .greatly " chaffed" on the subject, he began to exercise his imagination, 
 and talk of the " great fun" he had had ; though what particular 
 
114 THE ADVKNTUJiES OF Mil. VERDANT GKEEN, 
 
 fun there may be in smiling amiably across a counter at a feminine 
 shopkeeper who is selling you gloves, it is hard to say : perhaps Dr. 
 Sterne could help us to an answer. 
 
 They spent altogether a very lively day ; and after a rather pro 
 tracted sitting over their wine, they returned to Oxford with great 
 hilarity, Mr. Bouncer's post-horn coming out with great effect in the 
 stillness of the moonlight night. Unfortunately their mirth was 
 somewhat checked when they had got as far as Peyman's Gate ; for 
 the proctor, with mistaken kindness, had taken the trouble to meet 
 them there, lest they should escape him by entering Oxford by any 
 devious way ; and the marshal and the bull- dogs were at the leader's 
 head just as Mr. Fosbrooke was triumphantly guiding them through 
 the turnpike.. Verdant gave up his name and that of his college 
 with a thrill of terror, and nearly fell off the drag from fright, when 
 he was told to call upon the proctor the next morning. 
 
 " Keep your pecker up, old feller !" said Mr. Bouncer, in an 
 encouraging tone, as they drove into Oxford, " and don't be down in 
 the mouth about a dirty trick like this. He won't hurt you much, 
 Gig-lamps! Gate and chapel you; or give you some old Greek 
 party to write out ; or send you down to your mammy for a twelve 
 month ; or some little trifle of that sort. I only wish the beggar 
 would come up our staircase ! if Huz, and Buz his brother, didn't do 
 their duty by him, it would be doosid odd. Now, don't you go and 
 get bad dreams, Gig-lamps ! because it don't pay ; and you'll soon get 
 used to these sort of things : and what's the odds, as long as you're 
 happy ? 1 like to take things coolly, I do.'* 
 
 To judge from Mr. Bouncer's serenity, and the far-from-nervous 
 manner in which he " sounded his octaves," he at least appeared to 
 be thoroughly used to " that sort of thing," and doubtless slept a* 
 tranquilly as though nothing wrong had occurred. But it was far 
 different with our hero, who passed a sleepless night of terror as to 
 his probable fate on the morrow. 
 
 And when the morrow came, and he found himself in the dreaded 
 presence of the constituted authority, armed with all the power of the 
 law, he was so overcome, that he fell on his knees and made an ab 
 ject spectacle of himself, imploring that he might not be expelled, 
 and bring down his father's grey hairs in the usually quoted manner. 
 To his immense relief, however, he was treated in a more lenient 
 way ; and as the term had nearly expired, his punishment could not 
 be of long duration ; and as for the impositions, why, as Mr. Bouncer 
 said, " Ain't there coves to barberise 'em* for you, Gig-lamps ?" 
 
 Thus our freshman gained experience daily; so that by the end 
 
 * Impositions are often performed by deputy. 
 
AN OXFORD FRESHMAN. 
 
 115 
 
 of the term, he ibund 
 
 that short as the time had 
 
 been, it had been long 
 
 enough for him to learn 
 
 what Oxford life was like, 
 
 and that there was in it 
 
 a great deal to be copied, 
 
 as well as some things to 
 
 be shunned. The fresh 
 ness he had so freely 
 
 shown on entering Oxford 
 
 had gradually yielded as 
 
 the term went on ; and, 
 
 when he had run hallo 
 ing the Brazenface boat 
 
 all the way up from Iffley, 
 
 and had seen Mr. Blades 
 
 realise his most sanguine 
 
 dreams as to " the head 
 
 of the river ;" and when, 
 
 from the gallery of the theatre, he had taken part in the licensed sa 
 turnalia of the Commemoration, and had cheered for the ladies in 
 pink and blue, and even given " one more" for the very proctor 
 who had so lately interfered with his liberties ; and when he had 
 gone to a farewell pass-party (which Charles Larkyns did not 
 give), and had assisted in the other festivities that usually mark 
 the end of the academical year, Mr. Verdant Green found ' him 
 self to be possessed of a considerable acquisition of knowledge of a 
 most miscellaneous character; and on the authority, and in the 
 figurative eastern language of Mr. Bouncer, " he was sharpened up 
 no end, by being well rubbed against university bricks. So, good 
 by, old feller !" said the little gentleman, with a kind remembrance 
 of imaginary individuals, " and give my love to Sairey and the little 
 uns " And Mr. Bouncer " went the complete unicorn," for the last 
 time in that term, by extemporising a farewell solo to Verdant, 
 which was of such an agonising character of execution, that Huz, 
 and Buz his brother, lifted up their noses and howled. 
 
 " Which they're ths very moral of Christyuns, sir !" observed 
 Mrs. Tester, who was dabbing her curtseys in thankfulness for the 
 large amount with which our hero had " tipped" her. " And has 
 ears for moosic, sir. With grateful thanks to you, sir, for the same. 
 And it's obleeged I feel in my art. W T hich it really were like what 
 my own son would do, sir. As was found in drink for his rewing. 
 And were took to the West Injies for a sojer. Which he were 
 
110 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 ugh. ! oil, oh ! Which you be'old me a hafflicted martyr to these 
 spazzuins, sir. And how I am to get through them doorin' the 
 veecation. Without a bavin' 'em eased by a-goin' to your cupboard, 
 sir. For just three spots o' brandy on a lump o' sugar, sir. Is a 
 summut as I'm afeered^ to think on. Oh ! ugh !" Upon which Mrs. 
 Testers grief and spasms so completely overcame her, that our hero 
 presented her with an extra half-sovereign, wherewith to purchase 
 the medicine that was so peculiarly adapted to her complaint. Mr. 
 Robert Filcher was also " tipped" in the same liberal manner ; and 
 our hero completed his first term's residence in Brazenface by estab 
 lishing himself as a decided favourite. 
 
 Among those who seemed disposed to join in this opinion was the 
 Jehu of the Warwickshire coach, who expressed his conviction to our 
 delighted hero, that " he wos a young gent as had much himprovecl 
 hisself since he tooled him up to the 'Varsity with his guvnor." To 
 fully deserve which high opinion, Mr. Verdant Green tipped for the 
 box seat, smoked more than was good for him, and besides finding the 
 coachman in weeds, drank with him at every " change" on the road. 
 
 The carriage met him at the appointed place, and his luggage (no 
 longer encased in canvas, after the manner of females) was soon trans 
 ferred to it ; and away went our hero to the Manor Green, where he 
 was received with the greatest demonstrations of delight. Restored 
 to the bosom of his family, our hero was converted into a land of 
 domestic idol ; while it was proposed by Miss Mary Green, seconded 
 by Miss Fanny, and carried by unanimous acclamation, that Mr. Ver 
 dant Green's University career had greatly enhanced his attractions. 
 
 The opinion of the drawing-room was echoed from the servants' - 
 hall, the ladies' maid in particular being heard freely to declare, 
 that "Oxford College had made quite a man of Master Verdant!" 
 
 As the little circumstance on which she probably grounded her 
 encomium had fallen under the notice of Miss Virginia Verdant, it 
 may have, accounted for that most correct-minded lady being more 
 
AN OXFOED FEESHMAN. 
 
 reserved in expressing her opinion 
 of her nephew's improvement than 
 were the rest of the family ; but 
 she nevertheless thought a great 
 deal on the subject. 
 
 "Well, Verdant!" said Mr. 
 Green, after hearing divers anec 
 dotes of his son's college-life, care 
 fully prepared for home-consump 
 tion ; " now tell us what you've 
 learnt in Oxford." 
 
 " Why," replied our hero, as 
 lie reflected on his freshman's 
 career, " I have learnt to think 
 for myself, and not to believe 
 every thing that I hear ; and I 
 think I could fight my way in 
 the world; and I can chaff a 
 cad" 
 
 " Chaff a cad ! oh !" groaned Miss Virginia to herself, tliinki 
 it was something extremely dreadful. 
 
 " And I have learnt to row at least, not quite ; but I ccia 
 smoke a weed a cigar, you know. I've learnt that." 
 
 " Oh, Verdant, you naughty boy !" said Mrs. Green, with ma- 
 
113 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VEEDANT GEEEN. 
 
 ternal fondness. " I was sadly afraid that Charles Larkyns would 
 teach you all his wicked school habits I" 
 
 " Why, mama," said Mary, who was sitting on a footstool at 
 her brother's knee, and spoke up in defence of his college friend , 
 " why, mama, all gentlemen smoke ; and of course Mr. Charles 
 Larkyns and Verdant must do as others do. But I dare say, Ver 
 dant, he taught you more useful things than that, did he not ?" 
 
 " Oh, yes," replied Verdant ; " he taught me to grill a devil. " 
 
 " Grill a devil !" groaned Miss Virginia. " Infatuated young man !" 
 
 " And to make shandy-gaff and sherry-cobbler, and brew bishop 
 and egg-flip : oh, its capital ! I'll teach you how to make it ; and 
 we'll have some to-night !" 
 
 And thus the young gentleman astonished his family with the 
 extent of his learning, and proved how a youth of ordinary natural 
 attainments may acquire other knowledge in his University career 
 than what simply pertains to classical literature. 
 
 And so much experience had our hero gained during his fresh 
 man's term, that when the pleasures of the Long Vacation were at 
 an end, and he had returned to Brazenface, with his firm and fast 
 friend Charles Larkyns, he felt himself entitled to assume a patronis 
 ing air to the freshmen who then entered, and even sought to impose 
 upon their credulity in ways which his own personal experience sug 
 gested. 
 
 It was clear that Mr. Verdant Green had made his farewell bow 
 as an Oxford Freshman. 
 
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN 
 
 PAET II. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 MB. VERDANT GREEN RECOMMENCES HIS EXISTENCE AS AN 
 OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 HE intelligent reader which 
 epithet I take to be a synonym 
 for every one who has perused 
 the first part of the Adven- 
 
 "i W- "f TO^M'V r^ S tures ^ ' Verdant Green, 
 r.i Jf~ 1 " +T* will remember the state- 
 
 ment, that the hero of the 
 narrative " had gained so 
 much experience during his 
 Freshman's term, that, when 
 the pleasures of the Long 
 Vacation were at an end, und 
 he had returned to Brazenface 
 with his firm and fast friend Charles Larkyns, he felt himself 
 entitled to assume a patronising air to the Freshmen, who then 
 entered, and even sought to impose upon their credulity in 
 ways which his own personal experience suggested." And the 
 intelligent reader will further call to mind the fact that the 
 first part of these memoirs concluded with the words " it was 
 clear that Mr. Verdant Green had made his farewell bow as an 
 Oxford Freshman." 
 
 But, although Mr. Verdant Green had of necessity ceased 
 
2 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 to be " a Freshman " as soon as he had entered upon his seeoiiA 
 term of residence, the name being given to students in their 
 first term only, yet this necessity, which, as we all know, non 
 habet leges, will occasionally prove its rule by an exception ; and 
 if Mr. Verdant Green was no longer a Freshman in name, he 
 still continued to be one by nature. And the intelligent reader 
 will perceive when he comes to study these veracious memoirs, 
 that, although their hero will no longer display those peculiarly 
 virulent symptoms of freshness, which drew towards him so 
 much friendly sympathy during the earlier part of his University 
 career, yet that he will still, by his innocent simplicity and 
 credulity, occasionally evidence the truth of the Horatian 
 maxim, 
 
 " Quo semel est imbuta recens, servabit odorem 
 Testa diu ;"* 
 
 whidi, when Smart-ly translated, means, " A cask will long 
 preserve the flavour, with which, when new, it was once 
 impregnated;" and which, when rendered in the Saxon vulgate, 
 signifieth, " What is bred in the bone will come out in the 
 flesh." 
 
 It would, indeed, take more than a Freshman's term, a two 
 months' residence in Oxford, to remove the simple gaucheries 
 of the country Squire's hobbodehoy, and convert the girlish 
 youth, the pupil of that Nestor of Spinsters, Miss Virginia 
 v erdant, into the MAN whose school was the University, whose 
 Alma Mater was Oxonia herself. We do not cut our wise 
 teeth in a day ; some people, indeed, are so unfortunate as 
 never to cut them at all ; at the best, two mouths is but a brief 
 space in which to get through this sapient teething operation, 
 a short time in which to graft our cutting on the tree of 
 Wisdom, more especially when the tender plant happens to be 
 a Verdant Green. The golden age is past when the full- 
 formed goddess of Wisdom sprang from the brain of Jove 
 complete in all her parts. If our Vulcans now-a-days were to 
 trepan the heads of our Jupiters, they would find nothing in 
 them ! In these degenerate times it will take more than one 
 jjplitting headache to produce our wisdom. 
 
 So it was with our hero. The splitting headache, for example,, 
 which had wound up the pleasures of Mr. Small's "quiet 
 p^rty," had taught him that the good things of this life were 
 not given to be abused, and that he could not exceed the bounds 
 of temperance and moderation without being made to pay the 
 
 * Horace, Ep. Lib. I, ii., 69. 
 
AN OXFOKD UNDERGRADUATE. 3 
 
 penalty of the trespass. It had taught him that kind of 
 wisdom which even " makes fools wise ; " for it had taught him 
 Experience. And yet, it was but a portion of that lesson of 
 Experience which it is sometimes so hard to learn, but which , 
 when once got by heart, is like the catechism of our early 
 days, it is never forgotten, it directs us, it warns us, ri 
 advises us ; it not only adorns the tale of our life, but it point'! 
 the moral which may bring that tale to a happy and peaceful 
 end. 
 
 Experience I Experience ! What will it not do ? It is a 
 staff which will help us on when we are jostled by the designing 
 crowds of our Vanity Fair. It is a telescope that will reveal 
 to us the dark spots on what seemed to be a fair face. It is a 
 finger-post to show us whither the crooked paths of worldly 
 ways will lead us. It is a scar that tells of the wound which 
 the soldier has received in the battle of life. It is a light 
 house that warns us off those hidden rocks and quicksands 
 where the wrecks of long past joys that once smiled so fairly, 
 and were loved so dearly, now lie buried in all their ghastliness, 
 stripped of grace and beauty, things to shudder at and dread. 
 Experience ! Why, even Alma Mater's doctors prescribe it to 
 be taken in the largest quantities ! " Experientia dose it ! " 
 they say : and very largely some of us have to pay for the dose. 
 But the dose does us good ; and (for it is an allopathic remedy), 
 the greater the dose, the greater is the benefit to be derived. 
 
 The two months' allopathic dose of Experience, which had 
 been administered to Mr. Yerdant Green, chiefly through the 
 agency of those skilful professors, Messrs. Larky ns, Eosbrooke, 
 Smalls, and Bouncer, had been so far beneficial to him, that, in 
 the figurative Eastern language of the last-named gentleman, he 
 had not only been " sharpened up no end by being well rubbed 
 against University bricks," but he had, moreover, "become so 
 considerably wide-awake, that he would very soon be able to take 
 the shine out of the old original Weazel, whom the pages of 
 History had recorded as never having been discovered in a state 
 of somnolence." 
 
 Now, as Mr. Bouncer was a gentleman of considerable expe 
 rience and was, too, (although addicted to expressions not to be 
 found in " the Polite Preceptor,") quite free from the vulgar 
 habit of personal flattery, or, as he thought fit to express it, in 
 words which would have taken away my Lord Chesterfield's ap 
 petite, "buttering a party to his face in the cheekiest manner," 
 we may fairly presume, on this strong evidence, that Mr. Verdant 
 Green had really gained a considerable amount of experience 
 
 B 2 
 
4 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN V 
 
 during his Freshman's term, although there were still left 
 in his character and conduct many marks of viridity which 
 
 "Time's effacing fingers," 
 
 assisted by Mr. Bouncer's instructions, would gradually remove 
 However, Mr. Yerdant Green had, at any rate, ceased to be " a 
 Freshman " in name ; and had received that University promo 
 tion, which Mr. Charles Larkyns commemorated by the 
 following afficlie, which our hero, on his return from his first 
 rnorning chapel in the Michaelmas term, found in a conspicuous 
 position on his oak. 
 
 COMMISSION SIGNED BY THE VICE-CHANCELLOR OP THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OP OXFORD. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN to be an Oxford Undergraduate, vice Oxford 
 Freshman, SOLD out. 
 i 
 
 It is generally found to be the case, that the youthful Under 
 graduate first seeks to prove he is no longer a " Freshman," 
 by endeavouring to impose on the credulity of those young 
 gentlemen who come up as Freshmen in his second term. And, 
 in this, there is an analogy between the biped and the quad- 
 r.uped ; for, the wiid, gambolling, schoolboy elephant, when he 
 Jhas been brought into a new circle, and has been trained to 
 Aew habits, will take pleasure in ensnaring and deluding his 
 late companions in play. 
 
 The " sells " by which our hero had been " sold out " as a 
 freshman, now formed a stock in trade for the Undergraduate, 
 which his experience enabled him to dispose of (with consider 
 able interest) to the most credulous members of the generations 
 of Freshmen who came up after him. Perhaps no Freshman 
 had ever gone through a more severe course of hoaxing to 
 survive it than Mr. Verdant Green; and yet, by a system oi 
 retaliation, only paralleled by the quadrupedal case of the 
 before-mentioned elephant, and the biped-beadle case of the 
 illustrious Mr. Bumble, who after having his own ears boxed by 
 the late Mrs. Coruey, relieved his feelings by boxing the ears 
 of the small boy who opened the gate for him, our hero took 
 the greatest delight in seeking every opportunity to play oft 
 upon a Freshman some one ot those numerous hoaxes which 
 had been so successfully practised on nimself. And while, in 
 referring to the early part of his University career, he omitted 
 all mention of such anecdotes as displayed his own personal 
 credulity in the strongest li^ht which anecdotes the faith 
 ful historian has thought fit to record, he, nevertheless, 
 dwelt with extreme pleasure on the reminiscences of a few 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 5 
 
 isolated facts, in which he himself appeared in. the character 
 of the hoaxer. 
 
 These facts, when neatly garnished with a little fiction, 
 made very palatable dishes for University entertainment, and 
 were served up by our hero, when he went " down into the' 
 country," to select parties of relatives andfriends (N.B. Females 
 preferred). On such occasions, the following hoax formed 
 Mr. Verdant Green' & piece de resistance. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN DOES AS HE HAS BEEN DONE BY 
 
 ONE morning, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were 
 lounging in the venerable gateway of Brazenface. The former 
 gentleman, being of an amiable, tame-rabbit-keeping disposi 
 tion, was making himself very happy by whistling popular airs 
 to the Porter's pet bullfinch, who was laboriously engaged on a 
 small tread-mill, winding up his private supply of water. Mr. 
 Bouncer, being of a more volatile temperament, was amusing 
 himself by asking the Porter's opinion on the foreign policy of 
 Great Britain, and by making very audible remarks on 
 the passers-by. His attention was at length riveted by the 
 appearance on the other side of the street, of a modest-looking 
 young gentleman, who appeared to be so ill at ease in his 
 frock-coat and " stick-up " collars, as to lead to the strong 
 presumption that he wore those articles of manly dress for the 
 first time. 
 
 " I'll bet you a bottle of blacking, Giglamps," said little 
 Mr. Bouncer, as he directed our hero's attention to the stran 
 ger, "that this respected party is an intending Freshman, 
 Look at his customary suits of solemn black, as Othello, or 
 Hamlet, or some other swell, says in Shakspeare. And, besides 
 his black go-to-meeting bags, please to observe," continued the 
 little gentleman, in the tone of a wax-work showman ; " please to 
 ^observe the pecooliarity hof the hair-chain, likewise the straps 
 of the period. Look ! he's coming this way. Giglamps, 
 vote we take a rise out of the youth. Hem ! Good morning? 
 Can we have the pleasure of assisting you in anything." 
 
 "Yes, sir! thank you, sir," replied the youthful stranger, 
 
O THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 who was flushing like a girl up to the very roots of his 
 curly, auburn hair ; " perhaps, sir, you can direct me to Brazen- 
 face College, sir ? " 
 
 " Well, sir ! it's not at all improbable, sir, but what I could, 
 sir ; " replied Mr. Bouncer ; " but, perhaps, sir, youll first 
 favour me with your name, and your business there, sir." 
 
 "Certainly, sir!" rejoined the stranger; and, while he 
 fumbled at his card-case, the experienced Mr. Bouncer whis 
 pered to our hero, " Told you he was a sucking Freshman, 
 Giglamps ! He has got a bran new card-case, and says ' sir ' at 
 the sight of the academicals." The card handed to Mr. Bouncer, 
 bore the name of " MR. JAMES PUCKER ; " and, in smaller 
 characters in the corner of the card, were the words, " 'Brazen- 
 face College, Oxford" 
 
 " I came, sir," said the blushing Mr. Pucker, " to enter for 
 my matriculation examination, and I wished to see the gentle 
 man who will have to examine me, sir." 
 
 " The doose you do ! " said Mr. Bouncer sternly ; 
 " then young man, allow me to say, that you've regularly 
 been and gone and done it, and put your foot in it most 
 completely." 
 
 " How-ow-ow, how, sir? " stammered the dupe. 
 
 " How ? " replied Mr. Bouncer, still more sternly ; " do you 
 mean to brazen out your offence by asking how ? What could 
 have induced you, sir, to have had printed on this card the 
 name of this College, when you've not a prospect of belonging 
 to it it may be for years, it may be for never, as the bard says. 
 Tou've committed a most grievous offence against the Univer 
 sity statutes, young gentleman ; and so this gentleman here 
 Mr. Pluckem, the junior examiner will tell you! " and with 
 that, little Mr. Bouncer nudged Mr. Verdant Green, who took 
 his cue with astonishing aptitude, and glared through his glasses 
 at the trembling Mr. Pucker, who stood blushing, and bowing, 
 and heartily repenting that his school-boy vanity had led him 
 to invest four-and-sixpence in " 100 cards, and plate, engraved 
 with name and address." 
 
 " Put the cards in your pocket, sir, and don't let me see 
 them again ! " said our hero in his newly-confirmed title of 
 the junior examiner ; quite rejoiced at the opportunity afforded 
 him of proving to his friend that he was no longer a 
 Freshman. 
 
 "' He forgives you for the sake of your family, young man! " 
 said Mr. Bouncer with pathos ; " you've come to the right shop, 
 for this is Brazenface ; and you've come just at the right time, 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 7 
 
 for here is the gentleman who will assist Mr. Pluckem in 
 examining you ; " and Mr. Bouncer pointed to Mr. Four-in- 
 hand Fosbrooke, who was coming up the street on his way from 
 the Schools, where he was making a very laudable (but as it 
 proved, futile) endeavour "to get through his smalls," or, in 
 other words, to pass his Little-go examination. The hoax which 
 had been suggested to the ingenious mind of Mr. Bouncer, was 
 based upon the fact of Mr. Fosbrooke' s being properly got-up 
 for his sacrifice in a white tie, and a pair of very small bands 
 the two articles, which, with the usual academicals, form the 
 costume demanded by Alma Mater of all her children when 
 they take their places in her Schools. And, as Mr. Fosbrooke 
 was far too politic a gentleman to irritate the Examiners by 
 appearing in a " loud " or sporting costume, he had earned out 
 the idea of clerical character suggested by the bands and choker, 
 by a quiet, gentlemanly suit of black, which, he had fondly 
 hoped, would have softened his Examiners' manners, and not 
 permitted them to be brutal. 
 
 Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, therefore, to the unsophisti 
 cated eye of the blushing Mr. Pucker, presented a very fine 
 specimen of the Examining Tutor ; and this impression on Mr. 
 Fucker's mind was heightened by Mr. Fosbrooke, after a few 
 minutes' private conversation with the other two gentlemen, 
 turning to him, and saying, " It will be extremely inconve 
 nient to me to examine you now ; but as you probably wish to 
 return home as soon as possible, I will endeavour to conclude 
 the business at once this gentleman, Mr. Pluckem," pointing 
 to our hero, "having kindly promised to assist me. Mr. Bouncer, 
 will you have the goodness to follow with the young gentleman 
 to my rooms?" 
 
 Leaving Mr. Pucker to express his thanks for this great 
 kindness, and Mr. Bouncer to plunge him into the depths of 
 trepidation by telling him terrible stories of the Examiner's 
 fondness for rejecting the candidates for examination, Mr. Fos 
 brooke and our hero ascended to the rooms of the former, where 
 they hastily cleared away cigar-boxes and pipes, turned certain 
 French pictures with their faces to the wall, and covered over 
 with an outspread Times a regiment of porter and spirit bottles 
 which had just been smuggled in, and were drawn up rank-and- 
 file on the sofa. Having made this preparation, and furnished 
 the table with pens, ink, and scribble-paper, Mr. Bouncer and 
 the victim were admitted. 
 
 "Take a seat, sir," said Mr. Fosbrooke, gravely; and Mr. 
 Pucker put his hat on the ground, and sat down at the table in 
 
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 a state of blushing nervousness. " Have you been at a public 
 school?" 
 
 "Yes, sir," stammered the victim; "a very public one, sir; 
 it was a boarding-school, sir ; forty boarders, and thirty day 
 boys, sir ; I was a day-boy, sir, and in the first class." 
 
 "First class of an uncommon slow train!" muttered Mr. 
 Bouncer. 
 
 "And are you going back to the boarding-school?" asked 
 Mr. Verdant Green, with the air of an assistant judge. 
 
 " No, sir," replied Mr. Pucker, " I have just done with it ; 
 quite done with school, sir, this last half; and papa is going to 
 put me to read with a clergyman until it is time for me to come 
 to college." 
 
 " Refreshing innocence ! " murmured Mr. Bouncer ; wMle 
 Mr. Fosbrooke and our hero conferred together, and hastily 
 wrote on two sheets of the scribble-paper. 
 
 "Now, sir," said Mr. Fosbrooke to the victim, after a paper 
 had been completed, " let us see what your Latin writing is 
 like. Have the goodness to, turn what I have written into 
 Latin ; and be very careful, sir," added Mr. Fosbrooke, sternly, 
 " be very careful that it is Cicero's Latin, sir! " and he handed 
 Mr. Pucker a sheet of paper, on which he had scribbled the 
 following : 
 
 "To BE TRANSLATED INTO PROSE-T LATIN, IN THE MANNER OF 
 
 CICERO'S ORATIONS AFTER DINNER, 
 
 "If, therefore, any on your bench, my luds, or in this assembly, should 
 entertain an opinion that the proximate parts of a mellifluous mind 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 9 
 
 are for ever conjoined and unconnected, I submit to you, my luds, 
 that it will of necessity follow, that such clandestine conduct being 
 a mere nothing, or, in the noble language of our philosophers, 
 bosh, every individual act of overt misunderstanding will bring 
 interminable limits to the empiricism of thought, and will rebound 
 in the very lowest degree to the credit of the malefactor." 
 
 "To BE TURNED INTO LATIN AFTER THE MANNER OF THE ANIMALS 
 OF TACITUS. 
 
 " She went into the garden to cut a cabbage to make an apple-pie. Just 
 then, a great she-bear coming down the street, poked its nose into 
 the shop-window. ' What ! no soap ? ' So he died, and she (very 
 imprudently) married the barber. And there were present at the 
 wedding the Joblillies, and the Piccannies, and the Gobelites, and 
 the great Panjandrum himself, with the little button on top. So 
 they all set to playing Catch-who-catch-can, till the gunpowder ran 
 out at the heels of then* boots." 
 
 It was well for the purposes of the hoaxers that Mr. Pucker's 
 trepidation prevented him from making a calm perusal of the 
 paper ; and he was nervously doing his best to turn the non 
 sensical English word by word into equally nonsensical Latin, 
 when his limited powers of Latin writing were brought to a 
 full stop by the untranslateable word " Bosh." As he could 
 make nothing of this, he wiped the perspiration from his fore 
 head, and gazed appealingly at the benignant features of Mr. 
 Verdant Green. The appealing gaze was answered by our hero 
 ordering Mr. Pucker to hand in his paper for examination, and 
 to endeavour to answer the questions which he and his brother 
 examiner had been writing down for him. 
 
 Mr. Pucker took the two papers of questions, and read aa 
 follows : 
 
 " HISTORY. 
 **1. Draw a historical parallel (after the manner of Plutarch) between 
 
 Hannibal and Annie Laurie. 
 " 2. What internal evidence does the Odyssey afford, that Homer sold hid 
 
 Trojan war-ballads at three yards an obolus ? 
 "3. Show the strong presumption there is, that Nox was the god of 
 
 battles. 
 " 4. State reasons for presuming that the practice of lithography may bo 
 
 traced back to the time of Perseus and the Gorgon's head. 
 "5. In what way were the shades on the banks of the Styx supplied with 
 
 spirits ] 
 
 " 6. Show the probability of the College Hornpipe having been used by the 
 students of the Academia ; and give passages from Thucydides and 
 Tennyson in support of your answer. 
 " 7. Give a brief account of the Roman Emperors who visited the United 
 
 States, and state what they did there. 
 
 " 8. Show from the redundancy of the word yas in Sophocles, that gas 
 must have been used by the Athenians ; also state, if the expression 
 ol Bdpfiapoi would seem to signify that they were close shavers. 
 
10 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 9. Show from the words ' Hoc erat in votis,' (Sat. VI., Lib. II.,) that 
 
 Horace's favourite wine was hock, and that he meant to say ' he 
 
 always voted for hock.' 
 " 10. Draw a parallel between the Children in the Wood and Achilles in 
 
 the Styx. 
 "11. When it is stated that Ariadne, being deserted by Theseus, fell in 
 
 love with Bacchus, is it the poetical way of asserting that she took 
 
 to drinking to drown her grief? 
 "12. Name the prima donnas who have appeared in the operas of Virgil 
 
 and Horace since the ' Virgilii Opera,' and 'Horatii Opera' were 
 
 composed." 
 
 "EUCLID, ARITHMETIC, and ALGEBRA. 
 " 1. The extremities of a line are points.' Prove this by the rule of 
 
 railways. 
 " 2. Show the fallacy of denning an angle, as ' a worm at one end and a fool 
 
 at the other.' 
 " 3. If one side of a triangle be produced, what is there to prevent the 
 
 other two sides from also being brought forward ? 
 " 4. Let A alid B be squares having their respective boundaries in E and 
 
 W. ends, and let C and D be circles moving in them ; the circle D 
 
 will be superior to the circle C. 
 " 5. In equal circles, equal figures from various squares will stand upon 
 
 the same footing. 
 
 " 6. If two parts of a circle fall out, the one part will cut the other. 
 " 7. Describe a square which shall be larger than Belgrave Square. 
 " 8. If the gnomon of a sun-dial be divided into two equal, and also into 
 
 two unequal parts, what would be its value ? 
 
 " 9. Describe a perpendicular triangle having the squares of the semi 
 circle equal to half the extremity between the points of section. 
 " 10. If an Austrian florin is worth 5.61 francs, what will be the value of 
 
 Pennsylvanian bonds 1 Prove by rule-of-three inverse. 
 *' 11. If seven horses eat twenty-five acres of grass in three days, what 
 
 will be their condition on the fourth day ? Prove by practice. 
 "12. If a coach-wheel, 6^ in diameter and 5^ 9 T in circumference, makes 
 
 240-^ revolutions in a second, how many men will it take to do the 
 
 same piece of work in ten days ? 
 *' 13. Find the greatest common measure of a quart bottle of Oxford 
 
 port. 
 
 '' 14. Find the value of a 'bob,' a ' tanner,' a 'joey,' and a 'tizzy.' 
 ''15. Explain the common denominators 'brick,' 'trump,' 'spoon,' 
 
 ' muff,' and state what was the greatest common denominator in 
 
 the last term. 
 
 " 16. Produce two academical years to their lowest terms. 
 41 17. Reduce a Christ Church tuft to the level of a Teddy Hall man. 
 " 18. If a freshman A have any mouth x, and a bottle of wine 
 
 y, show how many applications of x to y will place y+y 
 
 before A." 
 
 Mr. Pucker did not know what to make of such extraordinary 
 and unexpected questions. He blushed, attempted to write, 
 fingered his curls, tried to collect his faculties, and then 
 appeared to give himself over to despair ; whereupon little Mr. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 11 
 
 Bouncer was seized with an immoderate fit of coughing which 
 had well nigh brought the farce to its denouement. 
 
 " I'm afraid, young gentleman," said Mr. Four-in-hand Fos- 
 brooke, as he carelessly settled his white tie and bands, " I am 
 afraid, Mr. Pucker, that your learning is not yet up to the 
 Brazenface standard. We are particularly cautious about 
 admitting any gentleman whose acquirements are not of the 
 highest order. But we will be as lenient to you as we are able, 
 and give you one more chance to retrieve yourself. We will 
 try a little viva voce, Mr. Pucker. Perhaps, sir, you will favour 
 me with your opinions on the Fourth Punic War, and will also 
 give me a slight sketch of the constitution of ancient 
 Heliopolis." 
 
 Mr. Pucker waxed, if possible, redder and hotter than before, 
 he gasped like a fish out of water ; and, like Dryden's prince, 
 " unable to conceal his pain," he 
 
 " Sigh'd and look'd, sigh'd and look'd, 
 Sigh'd and look'd, and sigh'd again." 
 
 But all was to no purpose : he was unable to frame an answer 
 to Mr. Fosbrooke's questions. 
 
 " Ah, sir,'* continued his tormentor, " I see that you will not 
 do for us yet awhile, and I am therefore under the painful 
 necessity of rejecting you. I should advise you, sir, to read 
 hard for another twelvemonths, and endeavour to master those 
 subjects in which you have now failed. For, a young man, 
 Mr. Pucker, who knows nothing about the Fourth *Punic War, 
 and the constitution, of ancient Heliopolis, is quite unfit to be 
 enrolled among the members of such a learned college as 
 Brazenface. Mr. Pluckem quite coincides with me in this 
 decision." (Here Mr. Verdant Green gave a Burleigh nod.) 
 " We feel very sorry for you, Mr. Pucker, and also for your 
 unfortunate family; but we recommend you to add to your 
 present stock of knowledge, and to keep those visiting-cards for 
 another twelvemonth." And Mr. Fosbrooke and our hero 
 disregarding poor Mr. Pucker's entreaties that they would con 
 sider his pa and ma, and would please to matriculate him this 
 once, and he would read very hard, indeed he would turned 
 to Mr. Bouncer and gave some private* 'instructions, which 
 caused that gentleman immediately to vanish, and seek out 
 Mr. Eobert Filcher. 
 
 Five minutes after, that excellent Scout met the dejected 
 Mr. Pucker as he was crossing the Quad on his way from Mr. 
 Fosbrooke's rooms. 
 
 "Beg your pardon, sir," said Mr. Filcher, touching his fore- 
 
12 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 head ; for, as Mr. Filcher, after the manner of his tribe, never 
 was seen in a head- covering, he was unable to raise his hat or 
 cap ; " beg your pardon, sir ! but was you a lookin* for the 
 party as examines the young gents for their matrickylation ? " 
 " Eh ? no ! I have just come from him," replied Mr. 
 Pucker, dolefully. 
 
 " Beg your pardon, sir," remarked Mr. Eilcher, "but his rooms 
 
 ain't that way at all. Mr. Slowcoach, as is the party you ought to 
 
 have seed, has his rooms quite in a hopposite direction, sir ; and 
 
 he's the honly party as examines the matrickylatin.' gents." 
 
 " But I have been examined," observed Mr. Pucker, with the 
 
 air of a plucked man; 
 " and I am sorry to say 
 that I was rejected, 
 
 and" 
 
 " I dessay, sir," inter 
 rupted Mr. Filcher; "but 
 I think it's a 'oax, sir ! " 
 "A what?" stam 
 mered Mr. Pucker. 
 
 "A 'oax a sell;" 
 replied the Scout, con 
 fidentially. "You see, 
 sir, I think some of the 
 gents have been makin* 
 a little game of you, 
 sir ; they often does with 
 fresh parties like you, 
 sir, that seem fresh and 
 hinnocent like ; and I 
 dessay they've been makin' believe to examine you, sir, and a 
 pretendin' that you wasn't clever enough. But they don't 
 mean no harm, sir ; it 's only their play, bless you !" 
 
 " Then," said Mr. Pucker, whose countenance had been 
 gradually clearing with every word the Scout spoke ; " then 
 I 'm not really rejected, but have still a chance of passing iny 
 examination?'" 
 
 " Percisely so, sir," replied Mr. Filcher; "and hemise 
 me, sir, for a hintin' of it to you, but, if you would let me 
 adwise you, sir, you wouldn't go for to mention anythin* about 
 the 'oax to Mr. Slowcoach ; he wouldn't be pleased, sir, and 
 ywtd only get laughed at. If you like to go to him now, sir, 
 I know he's in his rooms, and I '11 show you the way there 
 with the greatest of pleasure." 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. ! f 
 
 Mr. Pucker, immensely relieved in mind, gladly put himself 
 under the Scout's guidance, and was admitted into the presence 
 of Mr. Slowcoach. In twenty minutes after this he issued 
 from the examining tutor's rooms with a joyful countenance, 
 and again encountered Mr. Eobert Filcher. 
 
 " Hope you've done the job this time, sir," said the Scout. 
 
 " Yes," replied the radiant Mr. Pucker ; " and at two o'clock 
 I am to see the Vice-chancellor ; and I shall be able to come 
 to college this time next year." 
 
 " Werry glad of it, indeed, sir ! " observed Mr. Filcher, with 
 genuine emotion, and an eye to future perquisites ; " and 
 I suppose, sir, you didn't say a word about the 'oax ? " 
 
 " Not a word ! " replied Mr. Pucker. 
 
 "Then, sir," said Mr. Filcher, with enthusiasm, "hexcuse 
 me, but you're a trump, sir ! And Mr. Fosbrooke's compli 
 ments to you, sir, and he '11 be 'appy if you '11 come up into his 
 rooms, and take a glass of wine after the fatigues of the exami 
 nation. And, hexcuse me again, sir, for a hintin' of it to 
 you, but of course you can't be aweer of the customs of the 
 place, unless somebody tells you on 'em, I shall be werry 
 glad to drink your werry good health, sir." 
 
 Need it be stated that the blushing Mr. Pucker, delirious 
 with joy at the sudden change in the state of affairs, and the 
 delightful prospect of being a member of the University, not 
 only tipped Mr. Fiicher a five-shilling piece, but also paid a 
 second visit to Mr. Fosbrooke's rooms, where he found that 
 gentleman in his usual costume, and by him was introduced 
 to the Mr. Pluckem, who now bore the name of Mr. Verdant 
 Green ? Need it be stated that the nervous Mr. Pucker 
 blushed and laughed, and laughed and blushed, while his two 
 pseudo-examiners took wine with him in the most friendly 
 manner ; Mr. Bouncer pronouncing him to be " an out-and- 
 outer, and no mistake ! " And need it be stated that, after 
 this undergraduate display of hoaxing, Mr. Verdant Greer 
 would feel exceedingly offended were he still to be called " an 
 Oxford Freshman ?" 
 
]4 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN ENDEAVOURS TO KEEP HIS SPIRITS UP B 
 POURING SPIRITS DOWN. 
 
 IT was the evening of the fifth of November ; the day which 
 the Protestant youth of England dedicate to the memory of 
 that martyr of gunpowder, the firework Paux, and which the 
 youth of Oxford, by a three months' anticipation of the 
 calendar, devote to the celebration of those scholastic sports 
 for which the day of St. Scholastica the Virgin was once so 
 famous.* 
 
 Humour with its hundred tongues had spread far and wide 
 the news, that a more than ordinary demonstration would be made 
 of the might of Town, and that this demonstration would be 
 met by a corresponding increase of prowess on the side of 
 Gown. It was darkly whispered that the purlieus of Jericho 
 would send forth champions to the fight. It was mentioned 
 that the Parish of St. Thomas would be powerfully represented 
 by its Bargee lodgers. It was confidently reported that 
 
 * Town and Gown disturbances are of considerable antiquity. Fuller 
 and Matthew Paris give accounts of some which occurred as early as the 
 year 1238. These disputes not unfrequently terminated fatally to some 
 of the combatants. One of the most serious Town and Gown rows on 
 record took place on the day of St. Scholastica the Virgin, February 10th, 
 1345, when several lives were lost on either side. The University was at 
 that time in the Lincoln diocese ; and Grostete, the Bishop, placed the 
 townspeople under an interdict, from which they were not released till 
 1357, and then only on condition that the mayor and sixty of the chief 
 burgesses should, on every anniversary of the day of St. Scholastica, 
 attend St. Mary's Church and offer up mass for the souls of the slain 
 scholars ; and should also individually present an offering of one penny 
 at the hig\i altar. They, moreover, paid a yearly fine of 100 marks to the 
 University, with the penalty of an additional fine of the same sum for 
 every omission in attending at St. Mary's. This continued up to the time 
 of the Reformation, when it gradually fell into abeyance. In the fifteenth 
 year of Elizabeth, however, the University asserted their claim to all 
 arrears. The matter being brought to trial, it was decided that the town 
 should continue the annual fine and penance, though the arrears were 
 forgiven. The fine was yearly paid on the 10th of February up to our 
 own time : the mayor and chief burgesses attended at St. Mary's, and 
 made the offering at the conclusion of the litany, which, on that occasion, 
 was read from the altar. This was at length put an end to by Convocation 
 in the year 1825. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. Ifr 
 
 St. Aldate's* would come forth in all its olden strength. It 
 was told as a fact that St. Clement's had departed from the 
 spirit of clemency, and was up in arms. From an early hour 
 of the evening, the Townsmen had gathered in threatening 
 groups; and their determined aspect, and words of chaff, 
 had told of the coming storm. It was to be a tremendous 
 Town and Grown! 
 
 The Poet has forcibly observed 
 
 " Strange that there should such difFrence be, 
 'Twixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee !" 
 
 But the difference between Town and G-own, is not to be 
 classed with the Tweedledum and Tweedledee difference. It is 
 something more than a mere difference of two letters. The 
 lettered Grown lorded it over the unlettered Town: the 
 plebeian Town was perpetually snubbed by the aristocratic 
 Grown. If Grown even wished to associate with Town, he could 
 only do so under certain restrictions imposed by the statutes ; 
 and Town was thus made to feel exceedingly honoured by the 
 gracious condescension of Grown. But Town, moreover, main 
 tained its existence, that it might contribute to the pleasure 
 and amusements, the needs and necessities, of Grown. And 
 very expensively was Town occasionally made to pay for its 
 existence ; so expensively indeed, that if it had not been for 
 the great interest which Town assumed on Crown's account, 
 the former's bfcsiness-life would have soon failed. But, on 
 many accounts, or rather, in many accounts, Gown was deeply 
 indebted to Town ; and, although Gown was often loth to own 
 the obligation, yet Town never forgot it, but always placed it 
 to Gown's credit. Occasionally, in his early freshness, Gown 
 would seek to compensate Town for his obliging favours ; but 
 Town would gently run counter to this wish, and preferred 
 that the evidences of Gown's friendly intercourse with him 
 should accumulate, until he could, with renewed interest (as wo 
 understand from the authority of an aged pun), obtain his pay 
 ments by Degrees. 
 
 When Gown was absent, Town was miserable : it was dull ; 
 it did nothing ; it loit its customer-y application to business. 
 When Gown returned, there was no small change, the benefit 
 was a sovereign one to Town. Notes, too, passed between 
 them ; of which, those received by Town were occasionally of: 
 intrinsic value. Town thanked Gown for these, even thanked 
 
 * Corrupted by Oxford pronunciation (which makes Magdalen Maudlin 
 into St. Old's.) 
 
16 THE FUKTHER ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 him when his civility had only been met by checks, and 
 smirked, and fawned, and nattered ; and Gown patronised 
 Town, and was offensively condescending. "What a relief then 
 must it have been to the pent-up feelings of Town, when the 
 Saturnalia of a Guy-Faux day brought its usual license, and 
 Town could stand up against Gown and try a game of fisti 
 cuffs! And if, when there was a cry "To arms !" we could 
 always settle the dispute in an English fashion with those arms 
 with which we have been supplied by nature, there would then, 
 perhaps, be fewer weeping widows and desolate orphans in the 
 world than there are just at present. 
 
 On the evening of the fifth of November, then, Mr. 
 Bouncer's rooms were occupied by a wine-party ; and, among 
 the gentlemen assembled, we noticed (as newspaper reporters 
 say), Mr. Yerdant Green, Mr. Charles Larkyns, Mr. Fos- 
 brooke, Mr. Smalls, and Mr. Blades. The table was liberally 
 supplied with wine ; and a " desert at eighteen-pence per 
 head," as Mr. Bouncer would afterwards be informed 
 through the medium of his confectioner's bill ; and, while an 
 animated conversation was being held on the expected Town 
 and Gown, the party were fortifying themselves for the emeute 
 by a rapid consumption of the liquids before them. Our hero, 
 and some of the younger ones of the party, who, had not yet 
 left off their juvenile likings, were hard at work at the dessert. 
 in that delightful, disregardless-of-dyspepsia manner,, in which 
 boys so love to indulge, even when they have passed into 
 University men. As usual, the bouquet of the wine was some 
 what interfered with by those narcotic odours, which, to a 
 smoker, are as the gales of Araby the Blest. 
 
 Mr. Blades was conspicuous among the party, not only from 
 his dimensions, or, as he phrased it, from " his breadth of 
 beam," but also from his free-and-easy costume. ."To get 
 himself into wind," as he alleged, Mr. Blades had just been 
 knocking the wind out of the Honourable Flexible Shanks 
 (youngest son of the Earl of Buttonhole), a Tuft from Christ 
 Church, who had left his luxurious rooms in the Canterbury 
 Quad chiefly for the purpose of preparing himself for the forth 
 coming Town and Gown, by putting on the gloves with his 
 boating friend. The bout having terminated by Mr. Flexible 
 Shanks having been sent backwards into a tray of wine-glasses 
 with which Mr. Filcher was just entering the room, the gJoves 
 were put aside, and the combatants had an amicable set-to at a 
 Bottle of Carbonell's " Forty-four," which Mr. Bouncer 
 brought out of a wine-closet in his bed-room for their especial 
 
AN OXFORD UN'DERGRADUATE. 17 
 
 -delectation. Mr. Blades, who was of opinion that, in dress, ease 
 ehould always be consulted before elegance, had not resumed 
 that part of *his attire of which he had divested himself for 
 fistianic purposes;; and, with a greater display of linen than is 
 usually to be seen in society, was seated comfortably in a 
 lounging chair, smoking the pipe of peace. Since he had 
 achieved the proud feat of placing the Brazenface boat at the 
 head of the river, Mr. Blades had gained increased renown, 
 more especially in his own college, where he was regarded in the 
 light of a tutelary river deity ; and, as training was not going 
 on, he was now enabled to indulge in a second glass of wine, 
 and also in the luxury of a cigar. Mr. Blades's shirt-sleeves 
 were turned up so as to display the anatomical proportion of 
 his arms ; and little Mr. Bouncer, with the grave aspect of a 
 doctor feeling a pulse, was engaged in fingering his deltoid and 
 biceps muscles, and in uttering panegyrics on his friend's torso- 
 of-Hercules condition. 
 
 " My gum, Billy ! " (it must be observed, en passant, that, 
 although the name given to Mr. Blades at an early age was 
 Prank, yet that when he was not called " old Blades," he was 
 always addressed as "Billy, 1 " it being a custom which has 
 obtained in universities, that wrong names should be familiarly 
 given to certain gentlemen, more as a mark of friendly intimacy 
 than of derision or caprice.) " My gum, Billy !" observed Mr. 
 Bouncer, "you're as hard as nails! "What an extensive 
 assortment of muscles you 've got on hand, to say nothing 
 about the arms. I wish. I 'd got such a good stock in trade 
 for our customers to-night ; I 'd soon sarve 'em out, and make 
 ^em sing peccavi." 
 
 "The fact is," said Mr. flexible Shanks, who was leaning 
 smoking against the mantelpiece behind him, " Billy is 
 like a respectable family of bivalves he is nothing but 
 mussel?)." 
 
 " Or like an old Turk," joined in Mr. Bouncer, " for he 's a 
 regular Mussulman." 
 
 "Oh! Shanks! Bouncer!" cried Charles Larkyns, "what 
 stale jokes ! Do open the window, somebody, it 's really 
 offensive." 
 
 " Ali ! " said Mr. Blades, modestly, " you only just wait 
 till Footelights brings the Pet, and then you '11 see real 
 muscles." 
 
 " It was rather a good move," said Mr. theke, a gentleman 
 Commoner of Corpus, who was lounging in an easy chair., 
 smoking a meerschaum through an elastic tube a yard long, 
 
IS THE FUHTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 " it was rather a good move of yours, Fossy," he said, address 
 ing himself to Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, " to secure the 
 Pet's services. The feller will do us some service, and will 
 astonish the oi polloi no end." 
 
 "Oh! how prime it will be," cried little Mr. Bouncer, in 
 ecstacies with the prospect before him, "to see the Pet 
 pitching into the cads, and walking into their small affections 
 with his one, two, three ! And don't I just pity them when 
 he gets them into Chancerv! Were you ever in Chancery, 
 Giglamps ? " 
 
 " No, indeed ! " replied the innocent Mr. Verdant Green ; 
 " and I hope that I shall always keep out of it : lawsuits are so 
 very disagreeable and expensive." 
 
 Mr. Bouncer had only time to remark sotto voce to Mr. 
 Flexible Shanks, " it is so jolly refreshing to take a rise out of 
 old Giglamps ! " when a knock at the oak was heard ; and, as 
 Mr. Bouncer roared out, " Come in!" the knocker entered. 
 He was rather dressy in his style of costume, and wore his 
 long dark hair parted in the middle. Opening the door, and 
 
 striking into an attitude, he exclaimed in a theatrical tone and 
 manner : " Scene, Mr. Bouncer's rooms in Brazenface: in the 
 centre a table, at which Mr. B. and party are discovered 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 19 
 
 drinking log-juice, and smoking cabbage-leaves. Door, left, 
 third entrance ; enter the Putney Pet. Slow music ; lights 
 half-down." And standing on one side, the speaker motioned 
 to a second gentleman to enter the room. 
 
 There was no mistaking the profession of this gentleman ; 
 even the inexperience of Mr. Verdant Green did not require 
 to be informed that the Putney Pet was a prizefighter. 
 "Bruiser" was plainly written in his personal appearance, 
 from his hard-featured, low-browed, battered, hang-dog face, 
 to his thickset frame, and the powerful muscular development 
 of the upper part of his person. His close-cropped thatch of 
 hair was brushed down tightly to his head, but was permitted 
 to burst into the luxuriance of two small ringlets, which 
 dangled in front of each huge ear, and were as carefully curled 
 and oiled as though they had graced the face of beauty. The 
 Pet was attired in a dark olive-green cutaway coat, buttoned 
 over a waistcoat of a violent-coloured plaid, a pair of white 
 cord trousers that fitted tightly to the leg, and a white- 
 spotted blue handkerchief, which was twisted round a neck 
 that might have served as a model for the Minotaur's. In 
 his mouth, the Pet cherished, according to his wont, a sprig of 
 parsley ; small fragments of which herb he was accustomed to 
 chew and spit out, as a pleasing relief to the monotony of 
 conversation. 
 
 The Pet, after having been proclaimed victor in more than 
 one of those playfully frolicsome " Frolics of the Fancy," in 
 which nobly born but ignobly-minded " Corinthians " formerly 
 invested so much interest and money, had at length matched 
 his powers against the gentleman who bore the title of " the 
 champion of the ring ; " but, after a protracted contest of two 
 hours and a half, in which one hundred and nineteen rounds 
 had been fought, the Pet's eyes had been completely closed 
 up by an amusing series of blows from the heavy fists of the 
 more skilful champion; and as the Pet, moreover, was so 
 battered and bruised, and was altogether so "groggy "..that he 
 was barely able to stand up to be knocked down, his humane 
 second had thrown up the sponge in acknowledgment of his 
 defeat. But though unable to deprive the champion of his 
 belt, vet as Tintinnabulum'' s Life informed its readers on the 
 following Sunday, in its report of this "matchless encounter," 
 the Putney Pet had "established a reputation;" and a 
 reputation is a reputation, even though it be one which may 
 be offensive to the nostrils. Retiring, therefore, from the 
 more active public duties of his profession, he took unto him 
 
 c 2 
 
20 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 self a wife and a beershop, for it seems to be a freak of" the 
 Fancy," when they retire from one public line to go into 
 another, and placing the former in charge of the latter, the 
 Pet came forth to the world as a " Professor of the noble art 
 of Self-defence." 
 
 It was in this phase of his existence, that Mr. Fosbrooke had 
 the pleasure of forming his acquaintance. Mr. Fosbrooke had 
 received a card, which intimated that the Pet would have great 
 pleasure in giving him " lessons in the noble and manly art of 
 Self-defence, either at the gentleman s own residence., or at tlic 
 Pet's spacious Sparring Academy, 5, Gribb Court, Drury Lane, 
 which is fitted up with every regard to the comfort and conve 
 nience of his pupils. Gloves are provided. N.B. Hatting 
 sports at the above crib every evening. Plenty of rats always en 
 hand. Use of the Pit gratis''' Mr. Fosbrooke, having come 
 to the wise conclusion that every Englishman ought to know 
 how to be able to use his fists in case of need, and being quite 
 of the opinion of the gentleman who said : " my son should 
 even learn to box, for do we not meet with imposing toll- 
 keepers, and insolent cabmen r 1 and, as he can't call them out, 
 he should be able to knock them down," * at once put himself 
 under the Pet's tuition ; and, as we have before seen, still kept 
 up his practice with the gloves, when he had got to his own 
 rooms at Brazenface. 
 
 But the Pet had other Oxford pupils than Mr. Fosbrooke ; 
 and he took such an affectionate interest in their welfare, that 
 he came down from Town two or three times in each term, to 
 see if his pupils' practice had made them perfect in the art. One 
 of the Pet's pupils, was the gentleman who had now introduced 
 him to Mr. Bouncer's rooms. His name was Foote, but he was 
 commonly called " Footelights ; " the addition having been 
 made to his name by way of sobriquet to express his unusual 
 fondness for the stage, which amounted to so great a passion, 
 that his very conversation was redolent of " the footlights. ' : 
 He had only been at St. John's a couple of terms, and Mr. 
 Fosbrooke had picked up his acquaintance through the medium 
 of the Pet, and had afterwards made him known to most of the 
 men who were now assembled at Mr. Bouncer's wine. 
 
 "Your servant, gents! " said the Pet, touching his forehead, 
 and making a scrape with his leg, by way of salutation. 
 
 " Hullo, Pet ! " returned Mr. Bouncer ; " bring yourself to 
 an anchor, my man." The Pet accordingly anchored himself 
 
 * " A Bachelor of Arts," Act L 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 21 
 
 by dropping on to the edge of a chair, and placing his hat 
 underneath it ; while Huz and Buz smelt suspiciously round his 
 legs, and looked at him with an expression of countenance which 
 bore a wonderful resemblance to that which they gazed upon. 
 
 "Never mind the dogs; they're amiable little beggars," 
 observed Mr. Bouncer, " and they never bite any one except in 
 play. Now then, Pet, what sort of liquors are you given to ? 
 Here are Claret liquors, Port liquors, Sherry liquors, egg-flip 
 liquors, Cup liquors. You pays your money, and you takes 
 your choice! " 
 
 " Well, sir, thankee ! " replied the Pet, " I ain't no ways 
 pertikler, but if you have sich a thing as a glass o' sperrits, 
 I'd prefer that if not objectionable." 
 
 " In course not, Pet ! always call for what you like. We 
 keep all sorts of liquors, and are allowed to get drunk on 
 the premises. Ain't we, Giglamps ? " Firing this raking 
 shot as he passed our hero, little Mr. Bouncer dived into 
 the cupboard which served as his wine-bin, and brought there 
 from two bottles of brandy and whiskey which he set before 
 the Pet. " If you like gin or rum, or cherry-brandy, or old- 
 torn, better than these liquors," said Mr. Bouncer, astonish 
 ing the Pet with the resources of a College wine-cellar, "just 
 say the word, and you shall have them. ' I can call spirits 
 from the vasty deep ; ' as Shikspur says. How will you take 
 it. Pet ? Neat, or adulterated ? Are you for caUidum cum, 
 vrfrigidiMn sine for hot-with, or cold-without ? " 
 
 ' I generally takes my sperrits 'ot, sir if not objectionable ; " 
 replied the Pet deferentially. Whereupon Mr. Bo 
 seizing his speaking-trumpet, roared through it from the 
 top of the stairs, "Eob-ert! Kob-ert ! " But, as Mr. 
 Filcher did not answer the summons, Mr. Bouncer threw up 
 the window of his room, and bellowed out "Eob-ert" in. 
 tones which must have been perfectly audible in the High 
 Street. "Doose take the feller, he's always over at the 
 Buttery ; " said the incensed gentleman. 
 
 "I'll go np to old Sloe's room, and get his kettle," said 
 Mr. Smalls; "he teas all day long to keep himself awake for 
 reading. If he don't mind, he'll blow himself up with his 
 gunpowder tea before he can take his doable-first." 
 
 By the time Mr. Smalls had re-appeared with the kettle, 
 Mr. Filcher had thought it prudent to answer his master's 
 summons. 
 
 " Did you call, sir ?" asked the scout, as though he was 
 doubtful on that point. 
 
^'2 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 " Call !" said Mr. Bouncer, with great irony ; " oh, no! of 
 course not ! I should rather think not ! Do you suppose that 
 you are kept here that parties may have the chance of hollering 
 out their lungs for you ? Don't answer me, sir ! but get some 
 hot water, and some more glasses ; and be quick about it." 
 Mr. Filcher was gone immediately ; and, in three minutes, 
 everything was settled to Mr. Bouncer's satisfaction, and he 
 gave Mr. Pilcher farther orders to bring up coffee and anchovy 
 
 toast, at half-past eight o'clock. " Kow, Pet, my beauty ! " 
 said the little gentleman, " you just walk into the liquors ; 
 because you've got some toughish work before you, you 
 know." 
 
 The Pet did not require any pressing, but did as he was told ; 
 and, bestowing a collective nod on the company, drank their 
 healths with the prefatory remark, "I looks to-war dg^ou gents!" 
 
 " Will you poke a smipe, Pet ? " asked Mr. Bouncer, rather 
 enigmatically ; but, as he at the same time placed before the 
 Pet a " yard of clay " and a box of cigars, the professor of the 
 art of self-defence perceived that he was asked to smoke a pipe. 
 
 " That's right, Pet ! " said the Honourable Flexible Shanks, 
 condescendingly, as the prizefighter scientifically filled the 
 bowl of his pipe ; " I'm glad to see you join us in a bit of 
 smoke. "We're all jSoccy-nalians now ! " 
 
 "Shanks, you're incorrigible !" said Charles Larkyns ; "and 
 don't you remember what the Oxford Parodies say?" and in 
 his clear, rich voice, Mr. Larkyns sang the two following verses 
 to the air of i( Love not :" 
 
 Smoke not, smoke not, your weeds nor pipes of clay ; 
 Cigars they are made from leaves of cauliflowers ; 
 
AN OXFORD UNUKKGKADUATE. 23 
 
 Things that are doomed no duty e'er to pay ; 
 Grown, made, and smoked in a few short hours. 
 
 Smoke not smoke not ! 
 Smoke not, smoke not, the weed you smoke may change 
 
 The healthfulness of your stomachic tone ; 
 Things to the eye grow queer and passing strange ; 
 All thoughts seem undefined save one to be alone ! 
 Smoke not smoke not ! 
 
 " I know what you're thinking about, Giglamps," said Mr. 
 Bouncer, as Charles Larkyns ceased his parody amid an 
 approving clatter of glasses ; " you were thinking of your first 
 weed on the night of Small's quiet party : wer'nt you now, old 
 feller? Ah, you've learnt to poke a smipe, beautiful, since 
 then. Pet, here's your health. I'll give you a toast and sm- 
 timent, gentlemen. May the Grown give the Town a jolly good 
 hiding ! " The sentiment was received with great applause, and 
 the toast was drunk with all the honours, and followed by the 
 customary but inappropriate chorus, " For he's a jolly good 
 fellow ! " without the singing of which Mr. Bouncer could not 
 allow any toast to pass. 
 
 " How many cads could you lick at once, one off and the 
 other on ? " asked Mr. Fosbrooke of the Pet, with the air of 
 Bos well when he wanted to draw out the Doctor. 
 
 " Well, sir," said the Pet, with the modesty of true genius, 
 " I wouldn't be pertickler to a score or so, as long as I'd got 
 my back well up agin some'ut, and could hit out." 
 
 "What an effective tableau it would be!" observed Mr. 
 Foote, who had always an eye to dramatic situations. " Enter 
 the Pet, followed by twenty townspeople. First T.P. Yield, 
 traitor J Pet Never! the man who would yield when ordered 
 to do so, is unworthy the name of a Pet and an Englishman ! 
 Floors the twenty T.P.'s one after the other. Tableau, blue 
 fire. Why, it would surpass the British sailor's broadsword 
 combat for six, and bring down the house." 
 
 "Talking of bringing down," said Mr. Blades, "did you 
 remember to bring down a cap and gown for the Pet, as 1 told 
 you?" 
 
 " Well, I believe those tuere the stage directions," answered 
 Mr. Foote ; " but, really, the wardrobe was so ill provided that 
 it would only supply a cap. But perhaps that will do for a 
 super." 
 
 " If by a super you mean a supernumerary, Footelights," said 
 Mr. ^ Cheke, the gentleman Commoner of 'Corpus, "then the 
 Pet isn't one. He's the leading character of what you would 
 call the dramatis personas" 
 
24 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 *' True," replied Mr. Foote, " he's cast for the hero ; though 
 he will create a new role as the walking-into-them gentleman." 
 
 " You see, Footelights," said Mr.. Blades, " that the Pet is to 
 lead our forces ; and we depend upon him to help us on to 
 victory: and we must put him into academicals, not only 
 because the town cads must think he is one of us, but also 
 because the proctors might otherwise deprive us of his services 
 and old Tovvzer, the Senior Proctor, in particular, is sure to 
 be all alive. Who's got an old gown ? " 
 
 " I will lend mine with pleasure," said Mr. "Verdant Green. 
 
 " But you'll' want it yourself, said Mr. Blades. 
 
 " Why, thank you," faltered our hero, " I'd rather, I think, 
 keep within college. I can see the the fun yes, the fun 
 from the window." 
 
 " Oh, blow it, Giglamps ! " ejaculated Mr. Bouncer, " you'll 
 never go to do the mean, and show the white feather, will 
 you,P' 
 
 " Music expressive of trepidation^" murmured Mr. Foote, by 
 way of parenthesis. 
 
 '''But," pursued our hero, apologetically, "there will be, T 
 dare say, a large crowd." 
 
 " A very powerful caste, no doubt," observed Mr. Foote. 
 
 " And I may get my yes, my spectacles broken ; and 
 then": 
 
 "And then, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, "why, and then 
 you shall be presented with another pair as a testimonial ot 
 affection from yours truly. Come, Giglamps, don't do the 
 mean ! a man of your standing, and with a chest like that ! " 
 and the little gentleman sounded on our hero's shirt-front, as 
 doctors do when they stethoscope a patient. " Come, Gig 
 lamps, old feller, you mustn't refuse. You didn't ought to 
 was, as Shakspeare says." 
 
 " Pardon me ! JN"ot Shakspeare, but Wright, in the ' Green 
 Bushes,' " interrupted Mr. Foote, who was as painfully anxious 
 as Mr. Payne Collier himself that the text of the great poet 
 should be free from corruptions. 
 
 So Mr. Verdant Green, reluctantly, it must be confessed,, 
 suffered himself to be persuaded to join that section of the 
 Gown which was to be placed under the leadership of the 
 redoubted Pet ; while little Mr. Bouncer, who had gone up into- 
 Mr. Sloe's rooms, and had vainly endeavoured to persuade that 
 gentleman to join in the forthcoming melee, returned with an 
 undergraduate's gown, and forthwith invested the Pet with it, 
 
 "I don't mind this 'ere mortar-board, sir," remarked the- 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE $5 
 
 professor of the noble art of self-defence, as he pointed to the 
 academical cap which surmounted his head, " I don't mind the 
 mortar-board, sir ; but I shall never be able to do nothink with 
 this 'ere toggery on my shudders. I couldn't use my inawleys 
 no how ! " And the Pet illustrated his remark in a pro 
 fessional manner, by sparring at an imaginary opponent in a 
 feeble and unscientific fashion. 
 
 " But you can tie the tail-curtain round your shoulders 
 like this ! " said Mr. Fosbrooke, as he twisted his own gown 
 tightly round him. 
 
 But the Pet had taken a decided objection to the drapery : 
 " The costume would interfere with the action/'' as Mr. Foote 
 remarked, " and the management of a train requires great 
 practice." 
 
 " You see, sir," said the Pet, " I ain't used to the feel of it, 
 and I couldn't go to business properly, or give a straight 
 nosender no how. But the mortar-board ain't of so much con- 
 sekvenee." So a compromise was made ; and it was agreed 
 that the Pet was to wear the academicals until he had arrived 
 at the scene of action, where he could then pocket the gown, 
 and resume it on any alarm of the Proctor's approach. 
 
 " Here, Griglamps, old feller ! get a priming of fighting- 
 powder ! " said little Mr. Bouncer to our hero, as the party 
 were on the point of sallying forth ; " it '11 make you hit out 
 from your shoulder like a steam-engine with the chill off." 
 And, as Mr. Bouncer whispered to Charles Larkyns, 
 
 " So he kept his spirits up 
 By pouring spirits down," 
 
 Verdant who felt extremely nervous, either from excitement 
 or from fear, or from a pleasing mixture of both sensations 
 drank off a deep draught of something which was evidently not 
 drawn from Nature's spring or the college pump ; for it first 
 took away his breath, and made his eyes water; and it next 
 in a le him cough, and endeavour to choke himself; and it then 
 made his face, flush, and caused him to declare that " the first 
 snob who 
 
 hi 
 
 fellow for a Town and Grown, after' all ! 
 
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN DISCOVERS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 
 TOWN AND GOWN. 
 
 IT was ten minutes past nine, and Tom,* with sonorous voice, 
 was ordering all College gates to be shut, when the wine party, 
 which had just left Mr. Bouncer's room, passed round the corner 
 of St. Mary's, and dashed across the High. The Town and 
 Gown had already begun. 
 
 As usual, the Town had taken the initiative ; and, in a dense 
 body, had made their customary sweep of the High Street, 
 driving all before them. After this gallant exploit had been 
 accomplished to the entire satisfaction of the oppidans, the 
 Town had separated into two or three portions, which had 
 betaken themselves to the most probable fighting points, and 
 had gone where glory waited them, thirsting for the blood, or, at 
 any rate, for the bloody noses of the gowned aristocrats. "Woe 
 betide the luckless gownsman, who, on such an occasion, ventures 
 abroad without an escort, or trusts to his own unassisted powers 
 to defend himself ! He is forthwith pounced upon by some 
 score of valiant Townsmen, who are on the watch for these 
 favourable opportunities for a display of their personal prowess, 
 and he may consider himself very fortunate if he is able to get 
 back to his College with nothing worse than black eyes and 
 bruises. It is so seldom that the members of the Oxford 
 snobocracy have the privilege afforded them of using their fists 
 on the faces and persons of the members of the Oxford aris 
 tocracy, that when they do get the chance, they are unwilling 
 to let it slip through their fingers. Dark tales have, indeed, 
 been told, of solitary and unoffending undergraduates having, 
 on such occasions, not only received a severe handling from 
 those same fingers, but also having been afterwards, through 
 their agency, bound by their own leading strings to the rails of 
 the Radcliffe, and there left ignominiously to struggle, and 
 
 * The grcnt bell of Christ Church. It tolls 101 times each evening at 
 ten minutes past nine o'clock (there being 101 students on the foundation) 
 and marks the time for the closing of the college gates. " Tom " is one 
 of the lions of Oxford. It formerly belonged to Oseney Abbey, and 
 weighs about 17,000 pounds, being more than double the weight of 
 the great bell of St. Paul's. 
 
AN OXFOKD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 shout for assistance. And darker tales still have been told of 
 luckless Gownsmen having been borne " leg and wing " fashion 
 to the very banks of the Isis, and there ducked, amidst the 
 jeers and taunts of their persecutors. But such tales as these 
 are of too dreadful a nature for the conversation of Gownsmen, 
 and are very properly believed to be myths scandalously 
 propagated by the Town. 
 
 The crescent moon shone down on Mr. Bouncer's party, and 
 gave ample light 
 
 To light them on their prey. 
 
 A noise and shouting, which quickly made our hero's Bob- 
 Acreish resolutions ooze out at his fingers' ends, was 
 heard coming from the direction of Oriel Street ; and a small 
 knot of Gownsmen, who had been cut off from a larger body, 
 appeared, manfully retreating with their faces to the foe, fighting 
 as they fell back, but driven by superior numbers up the narrow 
 street, by St. Mary's Hall, 
 and past the side of Spiers' s 
 shop into the High Street. 
 
 " Gown to the rescue ! " 
 shouted Mr. Blades, as he 
 dashed across the street; 
 " come on, Pet ! here we 
 are in the thick of it, just 
 in the nick of time ! " and, 
 closely followed by Charles 
 Larkyns, Mr. Posbrooke, 
 Mr. Smalls, Mr. Bouncer, 
 Mr. Plexible Shanks, Mr. 
 Cheke, Mr. Poote, and 
 our hero, and the rest 
 of the party, they soon 
 plunged in medias res. 
 
 The movement was par 
 ticularly well-timed, for the 
 small body of Gownsmen 
 were beginning to get 
 roughly handled ; but the 
 succour afforded by the 
 Pet and his party soon 
 changed the aspect of 
 affairs ; and, after a brief 
 skirmish, there was a tem 
 porary cessation of hostilities. 
 
 As reinforcements poured 
 
'28 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 in on either side, the mob which represented the Town, 
 wavered, and spread themselves across on each side of the High ; 
 while a huge, lumbering bargeman, who appeared to be the gene 
 ralissimo of their forces, delivered himself of a brief but energetic 
 speech, in which he delivered his opinion of Gownsmen, in 
 general, and his immediate foes in particular, in a way which 
 would have to be expressed in proper print chiefly by blanks, 
 and which would have assuredly entailed upon him a succession 
 of five-shilling fines, had he been in a court of justice, and 
 before a magistrate. 
 
 "Here's a pretty blank, I don't think!" he observed in 
 conclusion, as he pointed to Mr. Yerdant Green, who was 
 nervously settling his spectacles, and wishing himself safe back 
 in his own rooms ; " I would'nt give a blank for such a blank 
 blank. I'm blank, if he don't look as though he'd swaller'd a 
 blank codfish, and had bust out into blank barnacles ! " As the 
 Bargee was apparently regarded by his party as a gentleman of in- 
 finitehumour,his highly-flavoured blank remarks were received by 
 them with shouts of laughter ; while our hero obtained far more 
 of the digito monstrari share of public notice than he wished for. 
 
 For some brief space, the warfare between the rival parties 
 of Town and Grown continued to be one merely of words a 
 mutual discharge of epea pteroenta (vulgariter "chaff"), in 
 which a small amount of sarcasm was mingled with a large 
 share of vituperation. At length, a slang rhyme of peculiar 
 offensiveness was used to a Wadham gentleman, which so 
 exasperated him that he immediately, by way of a forcible 
 reply, sent his fist full into the speaker's face. On this, a 
 collision took place between those who formed the outside of 
 the crowd ; and the Crowns fldcked together to charge en masse. 
 Mr. Verdant Green was not quite aware of this sudden move 
 ment, and, for a moment, was cut off from the rest. This did 
 not escape the eyes of the valiant Bargee, who had already 
 singled out our hero as the one whom he could most easily 
 punish, with the least chance of getting quick returns for his 
 small profits. Forthwith, therefore, he rushed to his victim, 
 and aimed a heavy blow at him, which Verdant only hall" 
 avoided by stooping. Instinctively doubling his fists, our hero 
 found that Necessity was, indeed, the mother of Invention ; 
 and, with a passing thought of what would be his mother's 
 and Aunt Virginia's feelings could they see him fighting in the 
 public streets with a common bargeman, he contrived to guard 
 off the second blow. But at the next furious lounge of the 
 Bargee he was not quite so fortunate, and, receiving that 
 
AX OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE 
 
 gentleman's heavy fist full in his forehead, he staggered back 
 wards, and was only prevented from measuring his length on 
 
 the pavement by falling against the iron gates of St. Mary's. 
 The delighted Bargee was just on the point of putting the 
 coup de grace to his attack, when, to Verdant' s inexpressible 
 delight and relief, his lumbering antagonist was sent sprawling 
 by a well-directed blow on his right ear. Charles Larkyns, 
 who had kept a friendly eye on our hero, had spied his con 
 dition, and had sprung to his assistance. He was closely 
 followed by the Pet, who had divested himself of the gown 
 which hau encumbered his shoulders, and was now freely 
 striking out in all directions. The fight had become general, 
 and fresh combatants had sprung up on either side. 
 
 " Keep close to me, Verdant," said Charles Larkyns, quite 
 unnecessarily, by the way, as our hero had no intention of 
 doing otherwise until he saw a way to escape,- " keep close to 
 me, and I'll take care you are not hurt." 
 
 "Here ye are ! " cried the Pet, as he set his back against the 
 stone-work flanking the iron gates of the church, immediately 
 in front of one of the curiously twisted pillars of the Porch ; * 
 " come on, half a dozen of ye, and let me have a rap at your 
 smellers ! ' ' and he looked at the mob in the " Come one, come 
 
 * The porch -was erected in 1637 by order of Archbishop Laud. In 
 the centre of the porch is a statue of the Virgin \vith the Child in her arms, 
 holding a small crucifix ; which at the time of its erection gave such 
 offence to the Puritans that it was included in the articles of impeachment 
 against the Archbishop. The statue remains to this day. 
 
30 TIIE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 all defiant" fashion of Fifcz- James ; while Charles Larkyns 
 
 and Verdant set their backs against the church gates, and 
 prepared for a rush. 
 
 The Bargee came up furious, and hit out wildly at Charles 
 jarkyns ; but science was more than a match for brute force ; 
 and, after receiving two or three blows which caused him to- 
 shake his head in a don't-like-it sort of way, he endeavoured to 
 turn his attention to Mr. Verdant Green, who, with head in 
 air, w r as taking the greatest care of his spectacles, and endea 
 vouring to ward off the indiscriminate lunges of half a dozen 
 townsmen. The Bargee's charitable designs on our hero were, 
 however, frustrated by the opportune appearance of Mr. Blades 
 and Mr. Cheke, the gentleman-commoner of Corpus, who, in 
 their turn, were closely followed by Mr. Smalls and Mr. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE 31 
 
 Flexible Shanks ; and Mr. Blades exclaiming, " There's a 
 smasher for your ivories, my fine fellow ! " followed up the 
 remark with * a practical application of his fist to the part 
 referred to ; whereupon the Bargee fell back with a howl, 
 and gave vent to several curse-ory observations, and blank 
 remarks. 
 
 All this time the Pet was laying about him in the most 
 determined manner ; and, to judge from his professional 
 observations, his scientific acquirements were in full play. He 
 had agreeable remarks for each of his opponents ; and, doubt 
 less, the punishment which they received from his s'talwai^ 
 arms came with more stinging force when the parts affecto'l 
 were pointed out by his illustrative language. To one gentle 
 man he would pleasantly observe, as he tapped him on the 
 chest, " Bellows to mend for you, my buck ! " or else, "There's 
 a regular rib-roaster for you!" or else, in the still more 
 elegant imagery of the Bang, " There's a squelcher in the 
 bread-basket, that'll stop your dancing, my kivey ! " While 
 to another he would cheerfully remark, " Tour head-rails were 
 loosened there, wasn't they?" or, "How about the kissing- 
 trap ? " or, " That draws the bung from the beer-barrel I'm a 
 thmkin'." While to another he would say, as a fact not to be 
 disputed, " You napp'd it heavily on your whisker-bed, didn't 
 you ? " or, " That'll raise a tidy mouse on your ogle, my lad ! " 
 or, " That'll take the bark from your nozzle, and distil the 
 Dutch pink for you, won't it ? " While to another he would 
 mention as an interesting item of news, " ]S"ow we'll tap your 
 best October ! " or, " There's a crack on your snuff-box ! " or, 
 " That'll damage your potato-trap ! " Or else he would kindly 
 inquire of one gentleman, " What d'ye ask a pint for your 
 cochineal dye ? "or would amiably recommend another that, as 
 his peepers were a goin' fast, he'd best put up the shutters, 
 because the early-closing movement ought to be follered out. 
 All this was done in the cheeriest manner ; while, at the same 
 time, the Pet proved himself to be not only a perfect master 
 of his profession, but also a skilful adept in those figures of 
 speech, or "nice derangements of epitaphs," as Mrs. Malaprop 
 calls them, in which the admirers of the fistic art so much 
 delight. At every blow, a fresh opponent either fell or stag 
 gered off; the supremacy of the Pet was complete, and his 
 clnim to be considered a Professor of the noble and manly art 
 of Self-defence was triumphantly established. "The Putney 
 Pet" was a decidedly valuable acquisition to the side of Gown. 
 
 Soon the crowd became thinner, as those of the Town who 
 
3-2 
 
 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 liked to give, but not to receive hard blows, stole off to other 
 quarters; and the Pet and his party would have been left 
 peaceably to themselves. But this was not what they wanted, 
 as long as fighting was going on elsewhere ; even Mr. Verdant 
 Green began to feel desperately courageous as the Town took 
 to their heels, and fled; and, having performed prodigies of 
 valour in almost knocking down a small cad who had had the 
 temerity to attack him, our hero felt himself to be a hero 
 indeed, and announced his intention of pursuing the mob, and 
 sticking close to Charles Larkyns, taking especial care to do 
 the latter. 
 
 " All the savage soul of fight was up ;" 
 
 and the Gown following the scattered remnant of the flying 
 Town, ran them round by All Saints' Church, and up' the 
 Turl. 
 
 Here another Town and Gown party had fought their way 
 from the Corn-market; and the Gown, getting considerably 
 the worst of the conflict, had taken refuge within Exeter 
 College by the express order of the Senior Proctor, the Rev. 
 Thomas Tozer, more familiarly known as " old Towzer.' ' He 
 had endeavoured to assert his proctorial authority over the 
 mob of the townspeople ; but the profanum vulgus had not 
 'only scoffed and jeered him, but had even torn his gown, and 
 itreated his velvet sleeves with the indignity of mud ; while the 
 only fireworks which had been exhibited on that evening had 
 been let off in his very face. Pushed on, and hustled by tho 
 
AN OXFOKD UNDERGRADUATE. 355 
 
 mob, and only partially protected by his Marshal and Bull 
 dogs,* he was saved from farther indignity by the arrival of a 
 small knot of Gownsmen, who rushed to his rescue. Their 
 number was too small, however, to make head against the 
 mob, and the best that they could do was to cover the Proctor's 
 retreat. Now, the Rev. Thomas Tozer was short, and inclined 
 to corpulence, and, although not wanting for courage, yet the 
 exertion of defending himself from a superior force, was not 
 only a fruitless one, but was, moreover, productive of much 
 unpleasantness and perspiration. Deeming, therefore, that 
 discretion was the better part of valour, he fled (like those 
 who tended, or ought to have attended to, the flocks of Mr 
 Norval, Sen.) 
 
 " for safety and for succour ;" 
 
 and, being rather short of the necessary article of wind, by the 
 time that he had reached Exeter College, he had barely breath 
 enough left to tell the porter to keep the gate shut until he 
 had assembled a body of Gownsmen to assist him in capturing 
 those daring ringleaders of the mob who had set his authority 
 at defiance. This was soon done ; the call to arms was made, 
 and every Exeter man who was not already out, ran to " old 
 Towzer's " assistance. 
 
 "Now, Porter," said Mr. Tozer, "unbar the gate without 
 noise, and I will look forth to observe the position of the 
 mob. Gentlemen, hold yourselves in readiness to secure the 
 ringleaders." 
 
 The porter undid the wicket, and the Rev. Thomas Tozer 
 cautiously put forth his head. It was a rash act ; for, no 
 sooner had his nose appeared round the edge of the wicket, 
 than it received a flattening blow from the fist of an active 
 gentleman who, like a clever cricketer, had been on the look 
 out for an opportunity to get in to his adversary's wicket. 
 
 " Oh, this is painful ! this is very painful ! " ejaculated Mr. 
 Tozer, as he rapidly drew in his head. " Close the wicket 
 directly, porter, and keep it fast." It was like closing the 
 gates of Hougomont. The active gentleman who had 
 damaged Mr. Tozer's nose threw himself against the wicket, 
 his comrades assisted him, and the porter had some difficulty 
 in obeying the Proctor's orders. 
 
 " Oh, this is painful ! " murmured the Rev. Thomas Tozer, 
 as he applied a handkerchief to his bleeding nose ; " this is 
 
 * The Marshal is the Proctor's chief officer. The name of Bull-dogs ' 
 is given to the two inferior officers who attend the Proctor in his nightly 
 rounds. 
 
84 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 painful, this is very painful ! this is exceedingly painful, 
 gentlemen!'" 
 
 He was immediately surrounded by sympathising under 
 graduates,, who begged him to allow them at once to charge 
 the Town ; but " old Towzer's " spirit seemed to have been 
 aroused by the indignity to which he had been forced so 
 publicly to submit, and he replied that, as soon as the 
 bleeding had ceased, he would lead them forth in person. An 
 encouraging cheer followed this courageous resolve, and 
 was echoed from without by the derisive applause of the Town. 
 
 When Mr. Tozer's nose had ceased to bleed, the signal was 
 given for the gates to be thrown open; and out rushed Proctor, 
 Marshall, Bull-dogs, and undergraduates. The Town was in 
 great force, and the fight became desperate. To the credit of 
 the Town, be it said, they discarded bludgeons and stones, 
 and fought, in John Bull fashion, with their fists. Scarcely a 
 stick was to be seen. Singling out his man, Mr. Tozer made 
 
 at him valiantly, supported by his Bull-dogs, and a small band 
 of Gownsmen. But the heavy gown and velvet sleeves were a 
 grievous hindrance to the Proctor's prowess ; and, although 
 supported on either side by his two attendant Bull-dogs, yet 
 the weight of his robes made poor Mr. Tozer almost as harm- 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE 35 
 
 less as the blind King of Bohemia between his two faithful 
 knightn at the battle of Crecy ; and, as each of the party had 
 to look to, and fight for himself, the Senior Proctor soon found 
 himself in an awkward predicament. 
 
 The cry of "Gown to the rescue ! " therefore, fell pleasantly 
 on his ears ; and the reinforcement headed by Mr. Charles 
 Larkyns and his party, materially improved the aspect of affairs 
 on the side of Gown. Knocking down a cowardly fellow, who 
 was using his heavy-heeled boots on the body of a prostrate 
 undergraduate, Mr. Blades, closely followed by the Pet, dashed 
 in to the Proctor's assistance ; and never in a Town and Gown 
 was assistance more timely rendered ; for the Rev. Thomas 
 Tozer had just received his first knock-down blow ! By the 
 Jielp of Mr. Blades the fallen chieftain was quickly replaced 
 upon his legs ; while the Pet stepped before him, and struck 
 out skilfully right and left. Ten more minutes of scientific 
 pugilism, and the fate of the battle was decided. The Town 
 fled every way ; some round the corner by Lincoln College ; 
 some up the Turl towards Trinity ; some down Ship Street ; 
 and some down by Jesus College, and Market Street. A few 
 of the more resolute made a stand in Broad Street ; but ifc was 
 of no avail ; and they received a sound punishment at the hands 
 of the Gown, on the spot, where, some three centuries before, 
 certain mitred Gownsmen had bravely suffered martyrdom.* 
 
 Now, tha '. lev. Thomas Tozer was a strict disciplinarian, and, 
 although he had so materially benefited by the Pet's assistance, 
 yet, when he perceived that that pugilistic gentleman was not 
 possessed of the full complement of academical attire, the 
 duties of the Proctor rose superior to the gratitude of the 
 Man ; and, with all the sternness of an ancient Roman Father, 
 he said to the Pet, " Why have you not on your gown, sir ? " 
 
 " I ax your pardon, guv'nor ! " replied the Pet, deferentially ; 
 " I didn't so much care about the mortar-board, but I couldn't 
 do nothin' nohow with the t'other thing, so I pocketted him ; 
 but some cove must have gone and prigged him, for he ain't 
 here." 
 
 " I am unable to comprehend the nature of your language, 
 sir," observed the Eev. Thomas Tozer, angrily; for, what with 
 
 * The exact spot where Archbishop Cranmer and Bishops Ridley and 
 Latimer suffered martyrdom is not known. " The most likely supposition 
 is, that it was in the town ditch, the site of which is now occupied by the 
 houses in Broad Street, which are immediately opposite the gateway of 
 Balliol College, or the footpath in front of them, where an extensive 
 layer of wood-ashes is known to remain." (Parker.) 
 
 D 2 
 
36 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 his own excitement, and the shades of evening which had stolen 
 over and obscured the Pet's features, he was unable to read 
 that gentleman's character and profession in his face, and there 
 fore came to the conclusion that he was being chaffed by some 
 impudent undergraduate. " I don't in the least under 
 stand you, sir ; but I desire at once to know your name, and 
 College, sir ! " 
 
 The Putney Pet stared. If the Rev. Thomas Tozer had asked 
 him for the name of his Academy, he would have been able to 
 have referred him to his spacious and convenient Sparring 
 Academy, 5, Cribb Court, Drury Lane ; but the enquiry for 
 his " College," was, in the language of his profession, a " regular 
 floorer." Mr. Blades, however, stepped forward, and explained 
 matters to the Proctor, in a satisfactory manner. 
 
 " Well, well ! " said the pacified Mr. Tozer to the Pet ; "you 
 have used your skill very much to our advantage, and displayed 
 pugilistic powers not unworthy of the athletes, and xystics of 
 the noblest days of Some. As a palaestrite you would have 
 
 pained palms in the gymnastic exercises of the Circus Maximus. 
 You might even have proved a formidable rival to Dares, who, 
 as you, Mr. Blades, will remember, caused the death of Butes 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 37 
 
 at Hector's tomb. You will remember, Mr. Blades, that 
 Virgil makes mention of his ' humeros latos,' and says : 
 
 ' Nee quisquam ex agmine tanto 
 Audet adire virum, manibusque inducere csestus ;'* 
 
 which, in our English idiom, would signify, that every one wag 
 afraid to put on the gloves with him. And, as your skill," 
 resumed Mr. Tozer, turning to the Pet, " has been exercised 
 in defence of my person, and in upholding the authority of the 
 University, I will overlook your offence in assuming that por 
 tion of the academical attire, to which you gave the offensive 
 epithet of " mortar-board ; " more especially, as you acted at the 
 suggestion and bidding of those who ought to have known 
 better. And now, go home, sir, and resume your customary 
 head-dress ; and stay ! here's five shillings for you." 
 
 " I'm much obleeged to you, guv'nor," said the Pet, who 
 had been listening with considerable surprise to the Proctor's 
 quotations and comparisons, and wondering whether the gen 
 tleman named Dares, who caused the death of beauties, was a 
 member of the P.E., and whether they made it out a case of 
 manslaughter against him ? and if the gaining palms in a 
 circus was the customary " flapper-shaking " before " toeing 
 the scratch for business ? " " I'm much obleeged to you, 
 guv'nor," said the Pet, as he made a scrape with his leg; 
 " and, whenever you does come up to London, I 'ope you'll 
 drop in at Cribb Court, and have a turn with the gloves ! " 
 And the Pet, very politely, handed one of his professional 
 cards to the Eer. Thomas Tozer. 
 
 A little later than this, a very jovial supper party might 
 have been seen assembled in a principal room at " the 
 Hoebuck." To enable them to be back within their college 
 walls, and save their gates, before the hour of midnight should 
 arrive, the work of consuming the grilled bones and welch- 
 rabbits was going on with all reasonable speed, the heavier 
 articles being washed down by draughts of ." heavy." After 
 the cloth was withdrawn, several songs of a miscellaneous 
 character were sung by " the professional gentlemen present," 
 including, " by particular request," the celebrated " Marble 
 Halls " song of our hero, which was given with more coherency 
 than on a previous occasion, but was no less energetically led in 
 its " you-loved-me-still-the-same " chorus by Mr. Bouncer. The 
 Pet was proudly placed on the right hand of the chairman, Mr. 
 Blades ; and, when his health was proposed, " with many thanks 
 to him for the gallant and plucky manner in which he had led 
 
 * JEu., Book v,, 378. 
 
38 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 on the Gown to a glorious victory," the " three times three," 
 and the "one cheer more," and the "again," and "again," 
 and the "one other little un!" were uproariously given (as 
 Mr. Foote expressed it) "by the whole strength of the 
 company, assisted by Messrs. Larkyns, Smalls, Fosbrooke, 
 Flexible Shanks, Cheke, and Yerdant Green." 
 
 The forehead of the last-named gentleman was decorated 
 with a patch of brown paper, from which arose an aroma, as 
 though of vinegar. The battle of "Town and Gown " was over ; 
 and Mr. Yerdant Green was among the number of the wounded. 
 
 CHAPTER Y, 
 
 MB. VERDANT GREEN IS FAVOURED WITH MR. BOUNCERS 
 OPINIONS EEGABDING AN UNDERGRADUATE'S EPISTOLARY 
 COMMUNICATIONS TO HIS MATERNAL RELATIVE. 
 
 " COME in, whoever you are ! don't mind the dogs ! " 
 shouted little Mr. Bouncer, as he lay, in an extremely 
 
 inelegant attitude, in 
 a red morocco chair, 
 which was considerably 
 the worse for wear, 
 chiefly on account of 
 the ill-usage it had to 
 put up with, in being 
 made to represent its 
 owner's antagonist, 
 whenever Mr. Bouncer 
 thought fit to practise 
 his fencing. " Oh ! it's 
 you and Giglarnps, is 
 it, Charley ? I'm just 
 refreshing myself with 
 a weed, for I've been 
 desperately hard a-fc work." 
 
 " What ! Harry Bouncer devoting himself to study ! But 
 this is the age of wonders," said Charles Larkyns, who entered 
 the room in company with Mr. Yerdant Green, whose fore 
 head still betrayed the effects of the blow he had received a 
 few nights before. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 39 
 
 It ain't reading that I meant," replied Mr. Bouncer, 
 "though that always does floor me, and no mistake ! and what's 
 the use of their making us peg away so at Latin and Greek, I 
 can't make out. AVhen I go out into society, I don't want to 
 talk about those old Greek and Latin birds that they make us 
 get up. I dont want to ask any old dowager I happen to fall 
 in with at a tea-fight, whether she believes all the crammers 
 that Herodotus tells us, or whether she's well up in the 
 naughty tales and rummy nuisances that we have to pass no 
 end of our years in getting by heart. And when I go to a 
 ball, and do the light fantastic, I don't want to ask my partner 
 what she thinks about Euripides, or whether she prefers Ovid's 
 Metamorphoses to Ovid's Art of Love, and all that sort of 
 thing ; and as for request 
 ing her to do me a problem 
 of Euclid, instead of work 
 ing me any glorified slippers 
 or woolleries, I'd scorn the 
 faction. I ain't like you, 
 Charley, and I'm not guv 
 in the classics : I saw too 
 much of the beggars while 
 I was at Eton to take 
 kindly to 'em ; and just let 
 me once get through my 
 Greats, and see if I don't 
 precious soon drop the ac 
 quaintance of those old 
 classical parties ! " 
 
 " No you won't, old fel 
 low ! " said Charles Lar- 
 kyns; "you'll find that 
 they'll stick to you through 
 life, just like poor relations, 
 and you won't be able to 
 shake them off. And you 
 ought not to wish to do so, 
 more especially as, in the end, 
 you will find them to have 
 been very rich relations." 
 
 " A sort of ' O m prophetic soul, my uncle ! ' I 
 
 sup 
 
 pose, aster arey, observe Mr. Bouncer ; " but 
 what I meant when I said that I had been hard at work, 
 was, that I had been writing a letter ; and, though I say i* 
 
40 THE FURTHER ADVENTURL'S OF MB. VERDANT GREEK, 
 
 that ought not to say it, I flatter myself it's no end of & 
 good letter." 
 
 "Is it a love-letter?" asked Charles Larkyns, who was 
 leaning against the mantel-piece, amusing himself with a 
 cigar which he had taken from Mr. Bouncer's box. 
 
 " A love-letter?" replied the little gentleman, contemptuously 
 " my gum ! no ; I should rayther think not ! I may have done 
 many foolish things in my life, but I can't have the tender passion 
 laid to my charge. No ! I've been writing my letter to 
 the Mum : I always write to her once a term." Mr. Bouncer, 
 it must be observed, always referred to his maternal relative 
 (his father had been long dead) by the epithet of " the Mum." 
 
 " Once a term ! " said our hero, in a tone of surprise ; 
 " why I always write home once or twice every week." 
 
 "You don't mean to say so, Giglamps ! " replied Mr. 
 Bouncer, with admiration. " Well, some fellers have w T hat 
 you call a genius for that sort of tiling, you see, though what 
 you can find to tell J em I can't imagine. But if I'd gone at 
 that pace I should have got right through the Guide Book by 
 this time, and then it would have been all U P, and I should 
 have been obleeged to have invented another dodge. You don't 
 seem to take, G-iglamps ? " 
 
 " Well, I really don't know what you mean," answered our 
 hero. 
 
 " Why," continued Mr. Bouncer, " you see, there's only the 
 Mum and Fanny at home : Fanny's my sister, Giglamps a 
 regular stunner just suit you ! and they, you understand, 
 don't care to hear about wines, and Town and Gowns, and all 
 that sort of thing ; and, you see, I ain't inventive and that, 
 and can r t spin a yarn about nothing; so, as soon as ever I 
 came up to Oxford, I invested money in a Guide Book ; and I 
 began at the beginning, and I gave the Mum three pages of 
 Guide Book in each letter. Of course, you see, the Mum 
 imagines it's all my own observation ; and she thinks no end 
 of my letters, and says that they make her know Oxford 
 almost as well as if she'lived here ; and she, of course, makes 
 a good deal of me ; and as Oxford's the place where I hang 
 out, you see, she takes an interest in reading something about 
 the jolly old place." 
 
 " Of course," observed Mr. Verdant Green ; " my mamma- 
 mother, at least and sisters, always take pleasure in bearing 
 about Oxford ; but your plan never occurred to me." 
 
 "It's a first-rater, and no mistake," said Mr. Bouncer, 
 confidently, " and saves a deal of trouble. I think of taking 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 41 
 
 out a patent for it ' Bouncer's Complete Letter- Writer ' or 
 get some literary swell to put it into a book, ' with a portrait 
 of the inventor ; ' it would be sure to sell. You see, it's what 
 you call amusement blended with information; and that's 
 more than you can say of most men's letters to the Home 
 department." 
 
 " Cocky Palmer's, for instance," said Charles Larkyns, 
 " which always contained a full, true, and particular account of 
 his Wheatley doings. He used to go over there, Verdant, to 
 indulge in the noble sport of cock-fighting, for which he had a 
 most unamiable and unenviable weakness ; that was the reason 
 why he was called ' Cocky ' Palmer. His elder brother who 
 was a Pembroke man was distinguished by the pronomen 
 ' Snuffy,' to express his excessive partiality for that titillating 
 compound." 
 
 " And Snuffy Palmer," remarked Mr. Bouncer, " was a long 
 sight better feller than Cocky, who was in the very worst set 
 in Brazenface. But Cocky did the Wheatley dodge once too 
 often, and it was a good job for the King of Oude when his 
 friend Cocky came to grief, and had to take his name off the 
 books." 
 
 "You look as though you wanted a translation of this," said 
 Charles Larkyns to our hero, who had been listening to the 
 conversation with some wonderment, understanding about as 
 much of it as many persons who attend the St. James's Theatre 
 understand the dialogue of the French Plays. " There are 
 College cabalia, as well as Jewish ; and College surnames are 
 among these. ' The King of Oude ' was a man of the name of 
 Towlinson, who always used to carry into Hall with him a bottle 
 of ' the King of Oude 's Sauce,' for which he had some 
 mysterious liking, and without which he professed himself 
 unable to get through his dinner. At one time he was a great 
 friend of Cocky Palmer's, and used to go with him to the cock 
 fights at "Wheatley that village just on the other side Shotover 
 Hill where we did a ' constitutional ' the other day. Cocky, as 
 our respected friend says, ' came to grief,' but was allowed to 
 save himself from expulsion by voluntarily, or rather in- volun 
 tarily, taking his name off the books. When his connection 
 with Cocky had thus been ruthlessly broken, ' the King ' got 
 into a better set, and retrieved his character." 
 
 " The moral of which, my beloved Giglamps," observed Mr. 
 Bouncer, " is, that there are as many sets of men in a College 
 as there are of quadrilles in a ball-room, and that it's just as 
 easy to take your place in one as it is in another ; but, that 
 

 42 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 when you've once taken up your position, you'll find it ain't an 
 easy thing, you see, to make a change for'yourself, till the set 
 is broken up. Whereby, Giglamps, you may comprehend what 
 a grateful bird you ought to be, for Charley's having put you 
 into the best set in Brazenface." 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green was heard to murmur, "sensible or 
 honour, grateful for kindness, endeavours to deserve," and 
 the other broken sentiments which are commonly made use or 
 by gentlemen who get upon their legs to return thanks for 
 having been "tea-potted." 
 
 "If you like to hear it," said Mr. Bouncer, " I'll read you 
 
 my letter to the Mum. It 
 ain't very private ; and I 
 flatter myself, Giglamps, 
 that it'll serve you as a 
 model." 
 
 " Let's have it by all 
 means, Harry," said 
 Hk Charles Larkyns. " It 
 must be au interesting 
 document ; and I am cu- 
 -rious to hear what it is 
 J? that you consider a model 
 P for epistolary communi 
 cation from an under 
 graduate to his maternal 
 relative." 
 
 " Off she goes then ; " 
 observed Mr. Bouncer ; " lend me your ears list, list, O list ! 
 as the recruiting-sergeant or some other feller says in the Play. 
 * Now, my little dears ! look straight for'ard blow your noses, 
 and don't brathe on the glasses ! '" and Mr. Bouncer read the 
 letter, interspersing it with explanatory observations : 
 
 " ' My dearest mother, I have been quite well since I left 
 you, and I hope you and Fanny have been equally salubrious' 
 That's doing the civil, you see : now we pass on to statistics. 
 ' We had rain the day before yesterday, but we shall have a new 
 moon to-night' You see, the Mum always likes to hear about 
 the weather, so I get that out of the Almanack. Now we get 
 on to the interesting part of the letter. ' I will now tell you a 
 little about Merton College? That's where I had just got to. 
 We go right through the Guide Book, you understand. ' The 
 history of this establishment is of peculiar importance, as 
 exhibiting the primary model of all the collegiate bodies in Oxford 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 43 
 
 and Cambridge. Tlie statutes of Walter de Merton had been 
 more or less copied by all other founders in succession ; and the 
 whole constitution of loth Universities, as we now behold them, 
 may be, not without reason, ascribed to the liberality and munifi 
 cence of this truly great man." Truly great man ! that's no end 
 good, ain't it ? observed Mr. Bouncer, in the manner of the 
 ' mobled queen is good ' of Polonius. ' His sagacity and wisdom 
 led him to profit by the spirit of the times ; his opulence enabled 
 him to lay the foundation of a nobler system ; and the splendour 
 of his example induced others, in subsequent ages, to raise a 
 superstructure at once attractive and solid' That's piling it up 
 mountaynious, ain't it ? ' The students were no longer dispersed 
 through the streets and lanes of the city, dwelling in insulated 
 liouses, nails, inns, or hostels, subject to dubious control and 
 precarious discipline? That's stumiin', is'nt it ? just like those 
 Times fellers write. ' But placed under the immediate superin 
 tendence of tutors and governors, and lodged in comfortable 
 chambers. This was little less than an academical revolution ; 
 and a new order of things may be dated from this memorable era. 
 Love to Fanny ; and, believe me your affectionate Son, Henry 
 Bouncer? If the Mum don't say that's first-rate, I'm a Dutch 
 man ! You see, I don't write very close, so that this respectably 
 fills up three sides of a sheet of note-paper. Oh, here's some 
 thing over the leaf. ' P. 8. I hope Stump and Howdy have got 
 something for me, because I want some tin very bad' That's all ! 
 "Well, Giglamps ! don't you call that qiiite a model letter for a 
 University man to send to his tender parient ? " 
 
 " It certainly contains some interesting information," said 
 our hero, with a Quaker-like indirectness of reply. 
 
 "It seems to me, Harry," said Charles Larkyns, " that the 
 pith of it, like a lady's letter, lies in the postscript the demand 
 for money." 
 
 "You see," observed the little gentleman in explanation, 
 " Stump and Rowdy are the beggars that have got all my 
 property till I come of age next year ; and they only let me 
 have money at certain times, because it's what they facetiously 
 call tied-up : though wliy they've tied it up, or where they've 
 tied it up, I hav'nt the smallest idea. So, though I tick for 
 nearly everything, for men at College, Giglamps, go upon tick 
 as naturally as the crows do on the sheep's backs, I sometimes 
 am rather hard up for ready dibs ; and then I give the Mum a 
 gentlemanly hint of this, and she tips me. By-the-way," con 
 tinued Mr. Bouncer, as he re-read his postscript, " I must alter 
 the word ' tin ' into ' money ' ; or else she'll be taking it literally, 
 
44 
 
 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 just as she did with the ponies. Know what a pony is, 
 Giglamps ? " 
 
 " Why, of course I do," replied Mr. Verdant Green ; 
 " besides which, I have kept one : he was an Exmoor pony, a 
 bay one, with a long tail." 
 
 " Oh, Giglamps ! You'll be the death of me some fine day,'* 
 faintly exclaimed little Mr. Bouncer, as he slowly recovered 
 from an exhausting fit of laughter. " You're as bad as the 
 Mum was. A pony means twenty-five pound, old feller. But 
 the Mum didn't know that ; and when I wrote to her and said, 
 ' I'm very short ; please to send me two ponies ; ' meaning, of 
 course, that I wanted fifty pound ; what must she do, but write 
 back and say, that, with some difficulty, she had procured for 
 me two Shetland ponies, and that, as I was short, she hoped 
 they would suit my size. And, before I had time to send her 
 another letter, the two little beggars came. Well, I couldn't 
 
 ride them both at once, like 
 the fellers do at Astley's ; 
 so I left one at Tollitt's, 
 and I rode the other down 
 the High, as cool as a 
 cucumber. You see, though 
 I ain't a giant, and that, yet 
 I was big for the pony ; and 
 as Shelties are rum-looking 
 little beggars, I dare say 
 we look'd rather queer and 
 
 original. But the Proctor 
 happened to see me ; and 
 he cut up so doosed rough 
 about it, that I couldn't 
 show on the Shelties any 
 obliged to get rid of them 
 
 Tollit was 
 
 more ; and 
 for me." 
 
 " Well, Harry," said Charles Larkyns, "it is to Tollitt's that 
 you must now go, as you keep your horse there. We want you 
 to join us in a ride." 
 
 "What!" cried out Mr. Bouncer, " old Giglamps going out 
 side an Oxford hack once more ! Why, I thought you'd made 
 a vow never to do so again ? " 
 
 "Why, I certainly did so," replied Mr. Verdant Green; 
 " but Charles Larkyns, during the holidays the vacation, at 
 least was kind enough to take me out several rides ; so I have 
 had a great deal of practice since last term." 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 45 
 
 " And you don't require to be strapped on, or to get inside 
 and pull down the blinds ? " inquired Mr. Bouncer. 
 
 " Oh dear, no ! " 
 
 The fact was, that during the long vacation Charles Larkyns 
 had paid considerable attention to our hero's equestrian 
 exercises ; not so much, it must be confessed, out of friendship 
 for his friend, as that he might have an opportunity of riding 
 by the side of that friend's fair sister Mary, for whom he enter 
 tained something more than a partiality. And herein, probably, 
 Mr. Charles Larkyns snowed both taste and judgment. For 
 there may be many things less pleasant in this world than 
 cantering down a green Warwickshire lane on some soft 
 
 summer's day when the green is greenest and the blossoms 
 brightest side by side with a charming girl whose nature is as 
 .ight and sunny as the summer air and the summer sky. 
 Pleasant it is to watch the flushing cheek glow rosier than the 
 rosiest of all the briar-roses that stoop to kiss it. Pleasant it 
 is to look into the lustrous light of tender eyes and to see the 
 
46 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 loosened ringlets reeling with the motion of the ride. Pleasant 
 it is to canter on from lane to lane over soft moss, and springy 
 turf, between the high honeysuckle hedges, and the broad- 
 branched beeches that meet overhead in a tangled embrace. But 
 pleasanter by far than all is it, to hug to one's heart the darling 
 fancy that she who is cantering on by your side in all the 
 witchery of her maiden beauty, holds you in her dearest 
 thoughts, and dowers you with all her wealth of love. Pleasant 
 rides indeed, pleasant fancies, and pleasant day-dreams, had the 
 long vacation brought to Charles Larkyns ! 
 
 " "Well, come along, Verdant," said Mr. Larkyns, " we'll go 
 to Charley Symonds' and get our hacks. You can meet us, 
 Harry, just over the Maudlin Bridge ; and we'll have a canter 
 along the Henley road." 
 
 So Mr. Verdant Green and his friend walked into Holywell 
 Street, and passed under the archway up to Symonds' stables. 
 But the nervous trepidation which our hero had felt in the 
 same place on a previous occasion returned with full force when 
 his horse was led out in an exuberantly playful and "fresh " 
 condition. The beast he had bestridden during his long 
 vacation rides, with his sister and his (and sister's) friend, was 
 a cob-like steed, whose placidity of temper was fully equalled 
 by its gravity of demeanour; and who would as soon have 
 thought of flying over a five-bar gate as he would of kicking up 
 his respectable heels both behind and before in the low-lived 
 manner recorded of the Ethiopian " Old Joe." But, if 
 " Charley Symonds' " hacks had been of this pacific and easy 
 going kind, it is highly probable that Mr. C. S. and his stud 
 would not have acquired that popularity which they had 
 deservedly achieved. For it seems to be a sine-qua-non with an 
 Oxford hack, that to general showiness of exterior, it must add 
 the power of enduring any amount of hard riding and rough 
 treatment in the course of the day which its pro-tern, proprietor 
 may think fit to inflict upon it ; it being an axiom which has 
 obtained, as well in Universities as in other places, that it is of 
 no advantage to hire a hack unless you get out of him as much 
 as you can for your money ; you won't, want to use him to 
 morrow, so you don't care about over-riding him to-day. 
 
 But, all this time, Mr. Verdant Green is drawing on his 
 gloves, in the nervous manner that tongue-tied gentlemen go 
 through the same performance during the conversational spasms 
 of the first-set of Q.uadrilles ; the groom is leading out the 
 exuberantly playful quadruped on whose back Mr. Verdant 
 Green is to disport himself; Charles Larkyns is mounted ; the 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 47 
 
 ^November sun is shining brightly on the perspective of the 
 yard and stables, and the tower of New College ; the dark arch 
 way gives one a peep of Holy well Street ; while the cold blue 
 sky is flecked with gleaming pigeons. 
 
 At last, Mr. Verdant Green has scrambled into his saddle, 
 and is riding cautiously down the yard, while his heart beats in 
 an alarming alarum-like way. As they ride under the arch 
 way, there, in the little room underneath it, is Mr. Four-in- 
 hand Eosbrooke, selecting his particular tandem-whip from a 
 group of some two score of similar whips kept there in 
 readiness for their respective owners. 
 
 "Charley, you're a beast!" says Mr. Eosbrooke, politely 
 addressing himself to Mr. Larkyns ; " I wanted Bouncer to 
 come with me in the cart to Abingdon, and I find that the little 
 man is engaged to you." Upon which, Mr. Eosbrooke play 
 fully raising his tandem-whip, Mr. Verdant Green's horse 
 plunges, and brings his rider's head into concussion with the 
 lamp which hangs within the gateway ; whereupon, the hat 
 falls off, and our hero is within an ace of following his hat's 
 example. 
 
48 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 By a powerful exertion, however, he recovers his proper 
 
 position in the saddle, and 
 proceeds in an agitated and 
 jolted condition, by Charles 
 Larkyns's side, down Holywell 
 Street, past the Music Room,* 
 and round by the Long Wall, 
 and over Magdalen Bridge. 
 Here they are soon joined by 
 Mr. Bouncer, mounted, ac 
 cording to the custom of small 
 men, on one of Tollitt's tallest 
 horses, of ever-so-many hands 
 high. As by this time our 
 hero has got more accustomed 
 to his steed, his courage gra 
 dually returns, and he rides on 
 with his companions very plea 
 santly, enjoying the magnificent distant view of his University. 
 When they have passed Cowley, some very tempting fences 
 are met with ; and Mr. Bouncer and Mr. Larkyns, being unable 
 to resist their fascinations, put their horses at them, and leap 
 in and out of the road in an insane Vandycking kind of way ; 
 while an excited agriculturist, whose smock-frock heaves with 
 indignation, pours down denunciations on their heads. 
 
 " Blow that bucolical party ! " says Mr. Bouncer ; " he's no 
 right to interfere with the enjoyments of the animals. If they 
 break the fences, it ain't their faults ; it's the fault of the 
 farmers for not making the fences strong enough to bear them. 
 Come along, Giglamps ! put your beast at that hedge ! he'll 
 take you over as easy as if you were sitting in an arm-chair." 
 
 But Mr. Ye'rdant Green has doubts about the performance 
 of this piece of equestrian upholstery ; and, thinking that the 
 arm-chair would soon become a reclining one, he is firm in his 
 refusal to put the leaping powers of his steed to the test. But 
 having, afterwards, obtained some "jumping powder" at a 
 certain small road-side hostelry to which Mr. Bouncer has 
 piloted the party, our hero, on his way back to Oxford, screws 
 up his courage sufficiently to gallop his steed desperately at a 
 ditch which yawns, a foot wide, before him. But to his immense 
 astonishment not to say, disgust the obtuse-minded quad 
 ruped gives a leap which would have taken him clear over a 
 
 * Now used for the Museum of the Oxford Architectural Society. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 49 
 
 f anal ; and our hero, not being prepared for this very needless 
 display of agility, flies off the saddle at a tangent, and finds 
 
 x 
 
 'MZ^FZ&if^f&Ki" 
 
 that his " vaulting ambition," had o'erleap'd itself, and fallen 
 on the other side of the ditch. 
 
 " It ain't your fault, Giglamps ! " says Mr. Bouncer, when 
 he has galloped after Verdant's steed, and has led it up to 
 him, and when he has ascertained that his friend is not in 
 the least hurt ; but has only broken his glasses ; "it ain't 
 your fault, Giglamps, old feller ! it's the clumsiness of the 
 hack. He tossed you up, and could'nt catch you again ! "" 
 
 And so our hero rides back to Oxford. But, before the 
 Term has ended, he has become more accustomed to Oxford 
 hacks, and has made himself acquainted with the respective 
 merits of the stables of Messrs. Symonds, Tollitt, and Pigg , 
 and has, moreover, ridden with the drag, and, in this way, 
 hunted the fabled foxes of Bagley Wood, and Whichwood 
 Forest. 
 
50 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN FEATHERS HIS OARS WITH SKILL AND 
 DEXTERITY. 
 
 NOVEMBER is not always the month of fog and mist and 
 dulness. Oftentimes there are brilliant exceptions to that 
 generally-received rule of depressing weather, which, in this 
 month (according to our lively neighbours), induces the natives 
 of our English metropolis to leap in crowds from the Bridge of 
 
 
 
 Waterloo. There are in November, days of calm beauty, which 
 axe peculiar to that month that kind of calm beauty which is 
 so often seen as the herald of decay. 
 
 But, whatever weather the month may bring to Oxford, it 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 51 
 
 never brings gloom or despondency to Oxford men. They are 
 a happily constituted set of beings, and can always create their 
 own amusements ; they crown Minerva with flowers withou/ 
 heeding her influenza, and never seem to think that the rosy- 
 bosomed Hours may be laid up with bronchitis. "Winter and 
 summer appear to be pretty much the same to them : reading 
 and recreation go hand-in-hand all the year round ; and, among 
 other pleasures, that of boating finds as many votaries in cold 
 November, as it did in sunny June indeed, the chilness of 
 the air, in the former month, gives zest to an amusement which 
 degenerates to hard labour in the dog-days. The classic Isis 
 in the month of November, therefore, whenever the weather is 
 anything like favourable, presents an animated scene. Eight- 
 oars pass along, the measured pull of the oars in the rowlocks 
 marking the time in musical cadence with their plashing dip in 
 the water ; perilous skiffs flit like fire-flies over the glassy sur 
 face of the river ; men lounge about in the house-boats and 
 barges, or gather together at King's, or Hall's, and indus 
 triously promulgate small talk and tobacco-smoke. All is gay 
 
 J 
 
 and bustling. Although the feet of the strollers in the Christ- 
 Ciiurch meadows rustle through the sere and yellow leaf, yet 
 rich masses of brown and russet foliage still hang upon the 
 trees, and light up into gold in the sun. The sky is of a cold 
 but bright blue; the distant hills and woods are mellowed 
 
52 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MK. VEKDANT GREEN, 
 
 into sober purplish-gray tints, but over them the sun looks 
 down with that peculiar red glow which is only seen in 
 November. 
 
 It was one of these bright days of "the month of gloom," 
 that Mr. Yerdant Green and Mr. Charles Larkyns being in 
 the room of their friend Mr. Bouncer, the little gentleman 
 inquired, " Now then ! what are you two fellers up to ? I'm 
 game for anything, I am ! from pitch-and-toss to man 
 slaughter." 
 
 "I'm afraid," said Charles Larkyns, " that we can't accom 
 modate you in either amusement, although we are going down 
 to the river, with which Verdant wishes to renew his acquaint 
 ance. Last term, you remember, you picked him up in the 
 Gut, when he had been played with at pitch-and-toss in a way 
 that very nearly resembled manslaughter." 
 
 " I remember, I remember, how old Giglamps floated 
 by ! " said Mr. Bouncer; you looked like a half-bred mermaid 
 Giglamps." 
 
 " But the gallant youth," continued Mr. Larkyns, " undis 
 mayed by the perils from which he was then happily preserved, 
 has boldly come forward and declared himself a worshipper of 
 Isis, in a way worthy of the ancient Egyptians, or of Tom 
 Moore's Epicurean." 
 
 " Well ! stop a minute you fellers," said Mr. Bouncer ; "I 
 must have my beer first : I can't do without my Bass relief. 
 I'm like the party in the old song, and I likes a drop of good 
 beer." And as he uncorked a bottle of Bass, little Mr. 
 Bouncer sang, in notes as musical as those produced from his 
 own tin horn 
 
 'Twixt wet and dry I always try 
 Between the extremes to steer; 
 
 Though I always shrunk from getting intoxicated, 
 
 I was always fond of my beer ! 
 
 For I likes a drop of good beer ! 
 I'm particularly partial to beer ! 
 Porter and swipes 
 
 Always give me the stomach-aclie ! 
 
 But that's never the case with beer ! " 
 
 " Bravo, Harry ! " cried Charles Larkyns ; " you roar us 
 an' twere any nightingale. It would do old Bishop Still's 
 heart good to hear you ; and ' sure I think, that you can drmk 
 with any that wears a hood,' or that will wear a hood when 
 you take your Bachelor's, and put on your gown. 2 ' And 
 Charles Larkyns sang, rather more musically than Mr. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 53 
 
 Bouncer had done, from that song which, three centuries ago, 
 the Bishop had written in praise of good ale, 
 
 Let back and side go bare, go bare, 
 
 Both hand and foot go cold : 
 But, belly, God send thee good ale enough, 
 
 Whether it be new or old. 
 
 They were soon down at the river side, where Verdant was 
 carefully put into a tub (alas ! the dear, awkward, safe, old 
 things are fast passing away ; they are giving place to suicidal 
 skiffs, and will soon be numbered among the boats of other 
 days j) and wa s started off with almost as much difficulty as 
 on his first essay. The tub which was, indeed, his old friend 
 the Sylph, betrayed an awkward propensity for veering round 
 towards Folly Bridge, which our hero at first failed to over 
 come ; and it was not until he had performed a considerable 
 amount of crab-catching, that he was enabled to steer himself 
 in the proper direction. Charles Larkyns had taken his seat 
 in an outrigger skiff (so frail and shaky that it made Yerdant 
 nervous to look at it), and, with one or two powerful strokes, 
 had shot ahead, backed water, turned, and pulled back round 
 the tub long before Verdant had succeeded in passing that 
 eccentric mansion, to which allusion has before been made, a5 
 
 & 
 
 possessing in the place of cellars, an ingenious system of small 
 rivers to thoroughly irrigate its foundation a hydropathic 
 treatment which may (or may not) be agreeable in Venice, but 
 strikes one as being decidedly cold and comfortless when 
 applied to Oxford, at any rate, in the month of November. 
 Walking on the la\vn which stretched from this house towards 
 
54 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 the river, our hero espied two extremely pretty young ladies, 
 whose hearts he endeavoured at once to take captive by 
 displaying all his powers in that elegant exercise in which they 
 saw him engaged. It may reasonably be presumed that Mr. 
 Verdant Green's hopes were doomed to be blighted. 
 
 Let us leave him, and take a look at Mr. Bouncer. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer had been content to represent the prowess of 
 his college in the cricket-field, and had never aspired to any 
 fame as an oar. The exertions, as well as the fame, of aquatic 
 honours, he had left to Mr. Blades, and those others like him, 
 who considered it a trifle to pull down to Iffley and back again, 
 two or three times a day, at racing pace with a fresh spurt put 
 on every five minutes. Mr. Bouncer, too, had an antipathy to 
 eat beefsteaks otherwise than in the state in which they are 
 usually brought to table ; and, as it seemed a sine qua, non 
 with the gentleman who superintended the training for the 
 boat-races, that his pupils should daily devour beefsteaks which 
 had merely looked at the fire, Mr. Bouncer, not having been 
 brought up to cannibal habits, was unable to conform himself 
 to this, and those other vital principles which seemed to regu 
 late the science of aquatic training. The little gentleman 
 moreover, did not join with the " Torpids " (as the second boats 
 of a college are called), either, because he had a soul above 
 them, he would be aut Ctesar, aut nullus ; either in the eight, 
 or nowhere, or else, because even the Torpids would cause 
 him more trouble and pleasurable pain than would be agreeable 
 to him. When Mr. Bouncer sat down on any hard substance, 
 he liked to be able to do so without betraying any emotion 
 that the action caused him personal discomfort ; and he had 
 noticed that many of the Torpids not to mention one or two 
 of the eight were more particular than young men usually 
 re about having a very easy, soft, and yielding chair to 
 sit on. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer, too, was of opinion that continued blisters 
 were both unsightly and unpleasant ; and that rawness was 
 bad enough when taken in conjunction with beefsteaks, without 
 being extended to one's own hands. He had also a summer 
 passion for ices and creams, which were forbidden luxuries to 
 one in training, although (paradoxical as it may seem to say 
 so) they trained on Isis ! He had also acquired a bad habit of 
 getting up in one day, and going to bed in the next, keeping 
 late hours, and only rising early when absolutely compelled to 
 do so in order to keep morning chapel a habit which the 
 trainer would have interfered with considerably to the little 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 55 
 
 gentleman's advantage. He had also an amiable weakness 
 for pastry, port, claret, " et hock genus omne ; " and would 
 have felt it a cruelty to have been deprived of his daily 
 modicum of " smoke ; " and in all these points, boat-training 
 would have materially interfered with his comfort. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer, therefore, amused himself equally as much to 
 his own satisfaction as if he had been one of the envied eight, 
 by occasionally paddling about with Charles Larkyns in an old 
 pair-oar, built by Davis and King, and bought by Mr. Bouncer 
 of its late Brazenfacian proprietor, when that gentleman, after 
 a humorous series of plucks, rustications, and heavy debts, 
 had finally been compelled to migrate to the King's Bench, 
 for that purification of purse and person commonly designated 
 " whitewashing." When Charles Larkyns and his partner 
 did not use their pair-oar, the former occupied his outrigger 
 skiff; and the latter, taking Huz and Buz on board a sailing 
 boat, tacked up and down the river with great skill, the smoke 
 gracefully curling from his meerschaum or short black pipe, 
 for Mr. Bouncer disapproved of smoking cigars at those times 
 when the wind would have assisted him to get through them. 
 
 " Hullo, Giglamps ! here we are ! as the clown says in the 
 pantermime," sung out the little gentleman as he came up 
 
 with our hero, who was performing some extraordinary feats in 
 full sight of the University crew, who were just starting from 
 their barge ; " you get no end of exercise out of your tub, I 
 should think, by the style you work those paddles. They go 
 in and out beautiful ! Splish, splash ; splish, splash ! You 
 must be one of the wherry identical Row-brothers-row, whose 
 
56 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 voices kept tune and whose oars kept time, you. know. 
 You ought to go and splish- splash in the Freshman's 
 River, G-iglamps ; but I forgot you ain't a freshman now, 
 are you, old feller ? Those swells in the University boats look 
 as though they were bursting with envy not to say, with 
 laughter," added Mr. Bouncer, sotto voce. " Who taught you 
 to do the dodge in such a stunning way, G-iglamps ? " 
 
 "Why, last term, Charles Larkyns did," responded Mr. 
 Verdant Green, with the freshness of a Freshman still lingering 
 lovingly upon him. " I 've not forgotten what he told me, to 
 put in my oar deep, and to bring it out with a jerk. But 
 though I make them go as deep as I can, and jerk them out as 
 much as possible, yet the boat will keep turning round, and I 
 can't keep it straight at all ; and the oars are very heavy and 
 unmanageable, and keep slipping out of the rowlocks 
 
 " Commonly called rullocks" put in Mr. Bouncer, as a 
 parenthetical correction, or marginal note on Mr. Verdant 
 Green's words. 
 
 " And when the Trinity boat went by, I could scarcely get 
 out of their way; and they said very unpleasant things 
 to me ; and, altogether,. I can assure you that it has made me 
 very hot." 
 
 . " And a capital thing, too, Giglamps, this cold November 
 day," said Mr. Bouncer ; " I 'm obliged to keep my coppers 
 warm with this pea-coat, and my pipe. Charley came along 
 side me just now, on purpose to fire off one of his poetical 
 quotations. He said that I reminded him of Seattle's Min 
 strel : 
 
 ' Dainties he heeded not, nor gaud, nor toy, 
 Save one short pipe.' 
 
 I think that was something like it. But you see, Giglamps, 
 I haven't got a figure-head for these sort of things like. Charley 
 has, so I couldn't return his shot ; but since then, to me deeply 
 pondering, as those old Greek parties say, a fine sample of our 
 superior old crusted jokes has come to hand; and when 
 Charley next pulls alongside, I shall tell him that I am like that 
 beggar we read about in old Slowcoach's lecture the other day, 
 and that, if I had been in the humour, I could have sung out, 
 lo Bacche ! * I owe laccy d'ye see, Giglamps ? Well, oid 
 feller ! you look rather puffed, so clap on your coat ; and, if 
 there 's a rope's end, or a chain, in your tub, and you '11 just 
 pay it out here, I '11 make you fast astern, and pull you down the 
 
 * " Si collibuisset, ab ovo 
 
 " Usque ad mala citaret, lo Bacche ! " Hor. Sat. Lib. i. 3. 
 
AN OXFOED UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 river ; and then you '11 be in prime condition to work yourself 
 up again. The wind's in our back, and we shall get on jolly." 
 
 So our hero made fast the tub to his friend's sailing-boat, 
 and was towed as far as the Haystack. During the voyage 
 Mr. Bouncer ascertained that Mr. Charles Larkyns had 
 improved some of the shining hours of the long vacation con 
 siderably to Mr. Verdant Green's benefit, by teaching him the 
 art of swimming a polite accomplishment of which our hero 
 had been hitherto ignorant. Little Mr. Bouncer, therefore, 
 felt easier in his mind, if any repetition of his involuntary bath 
 in the Gut should befal our hero ; and, after giving him (won 
 derful to say) some correct advice regarding the management 
 of the oars, he cast off the Sylph, and left her and our hero 
 to their own devices. But, 
 profiting by the friendly hints 
 which he had received, Mr. 
 V^erdant Green made con 
 siderable progress in the skill 
 and dexterity with which he 
 feathered his oars ; and he 
 sat in his tub looking as wise 
 as Diogenes may (perhaps) 
 have done in his. He more 
 over pulled the boat back to 
 Hall's without meeting with 
 any accident worth mention 
 ing ; and when he had got 
 on shore he was highly com 
 plimented by Mr. Blades and 
 a group of boating gentlemen 
 " for the admirable display of 
 science which he had afforded 
 them." 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green was 
 afterwards taken alternately 
 by Charles Larkyns and Mr. 
 Bouncer in their pair-oar ; so that, by the end of the term, he 
 at any rate knew more of boating than to accept as one of its 
 fundamental rules, " put your oar in deep, and bring it out 
 with a jerk." 
 
 In the first week in December he had an opportunity of 
 pulling over a fresh piece of water. One of those inundations 
 occurred to which Oxford is so liable, and the meadow-land to 
 the south and west of the city was covered by the flood. Boats 
 
58 THE FURTHER ADVENTUEES OF MR. VERDAXT GREEN, 
 
 plied to and from the railway station in place of omnibuses; 
 the Great "Western was not to be seen for water ; and, at the 
 Abingdon-road bridge, at Cold-harbour, the rails were washed 
 away, and the trains brought to a stand-still. The Jsis was 
 amplified to the width of the Christchurch meadows ; the 
 Broad Walk had a peep of itself upside down in the glassy 
 mirror ; the windings of the Cherwell could only be traced by 
 the trees on its banks. There was 
 
 " Water, water everywhere ; " 
 
 and a disagreeable quantity of it too, as those Christchurch 
 men whose ground-floor rooms were towards the meadows soon 
 discovered. Mr. Bouncer is supposed to have brought out one 
 of his " fine, old, crusted jokes," when he asserted in reference 
 to the inundation, that "Nature had assumed a lake com 
 plexion." Posts and rails, and hay, and a miscellaneous 
 collection of articles, were swept along by the current, together 
 with the bodies of hapless sheep and pigs. But, in spite of 
 these incumbrances, boats of all descriptions were to be seen 
 sailing, pulling, skiffing, and punting, over the flooded meadows. 
 
 Numerous were the disasters, and many were the boats that 
 were upset. 
 
 Indeed, the adventures of Mr. Verdant Green would 
 probably have here terminated in a misadventure, had he not 
 (thanks to Charles Larkyns) mastered the art of swimming ; 
 for he was in Mr. Bouncer's sailing-boat, which was sailing 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 50 
 
 very merrily over the flood, when its merriness was suddenly 
 checked by its grounding on the stump of a lopped pollard 
 willow, and forthwith capsizing. Our hero, who had been 
 sitting in the bows, was at once swept over by the sail, and, 
 for a moment, was in great peril ; but, disengaging himself 
 from the cordage, he struck out, and swam to a willow whose 
 friendly boughs and top had just formed an asylum for Mr. 
 Bouncer, who in great anxiety was coaxing Huz and Buz to 
 swim to the same ark of safety. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were speedily rescued 
 from their position, and were not a little thankful for their 
 escape. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN PARTAKES OF A DOVE-TART AND A 
 SPREAD-EAGLE. 
 
 "HtrLLO, Giglamps, you lazy beggar!" said the cheery 
 voice of little Mr. Bouncer, as he walked into our hero's bed 
 room one morning towards the end of term, and found Mr. 
 Verdant Green in bed, though sufficiently awakened by the 
 sounding of Mr. Bouncer's octaves for the purposes of conversa 
 tion ; " this '11 never do, you 'know, Giglamps ! Cutting chapel 
 to do the downy ! Why, what do you mean, sir ? Didn't you 
 ever learn in the nursery what happened to old Daddy Long- 
 legs when he wouldn't say his prayers ? " 
 
 " Robert did call me," said our hero, rubbing his eyes ; " but 
 I felt tired, so I told him to put in an ceger" 
 
 " Upon niy word, young 'un," observed Mr. Bouncer, 
 " you're a coming it, you are ! and only in your second term, 
 too. "What makes you wear a nightcap, Giglamps ? Is it to 
 make your hair curl, or to keep your venerable head warm ? 
 IS'ightcaps ain't healthy ; they are only fit for long-tailed 
 babbies, and old birds that are as bald as coots ; or else for 
 gents that grease their wool with 'thine incomparable oil, 
 Macassar,' as the noble poet justly remarks." 
 
 "It ain't always pleasant," continued the little gentleman, 
 who was perched up on the side of the bed, and seemed in a 
 Communicative disposition, "it ain't always pleasant to turn out 
 for morning chapel, is it, Giglamps ? But it's just like the eels 
 with their skinning : it goes against the grain at first, but you 
 
60 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 soon get used to it. When I first came up, I was a frightful 
 lazy beggar, and I got such a heap of impositions for not keep 
 
 ing my morning chapels, that I was obliged to have three 
 fellers constantly at work writing 'em out for me. This was 
 rather expensive, you see ; and then the dons threatened to 
 take away my term altogether, and bring me to grief, if I didn't 
 be more regular. So I was obliged to make a virtuous resolu 
 tion, and I told Eobert that he was to insist on my getting up 
 
 in a morning, and I 
 should tip him at the 
 end of term if he suc 
 ceeded. So at first 
 he used to come and 
 hammer at the door ; 
 but that was no go. So 
 then he used to come 
 in and shake me, and 
 try to pull the clothea 
 off; but, you see, I 
 always used to prepare 
 for him, by taking a 
 ( good supply of boots 
 
 - ^s*i88W^^r WMI . * nd thij ^ k be(? witk 
 
 so I was able to take shies at the beggar till he 
 
 me 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE 61 
 
 vanished, and left me to snooze peaceably. You see, it 
 ain't every feller as likes to have a "Wellington boot at 
 his head ; but that rascal of a Eobert is used to those trifles, 
 and I was obliged to try another dodge. This you know 
 was only of a morning when I was in bed. When 1 had 
 had my breakfast, and got my imposition, and become 
 virtuous again, I used to slang him awful for having let 
 me cut chapel ; and then I told him that he must always stand 
 at the door until he heard me out of bed. But, when 
 the morning came, it seemed running such a risk, you see 
 to one's lungs and all those sort of things to' turn out 
 of the warm bed into the cold chapel, that I would answer 
 Eobert when he hammered at the door ; but, instead of getting 
 up, I would knock my boots against the floor, as though I was 
 out of bed, don't you see, and was padding about. But thai 
 wretch of a Eobert was too old a bird to be caught with this 
 dodge ; so he used to sing out, ' You must show a leg, sir ! * 
 and, as he kept on hammering at the door till I did for, you 
 see, Giglamps, he was looking out for the tip at the end of 
 term, so it made him persevere and as his beastly hammering 
 used, of course, to put a stopper on my going to sleep again, I 
 used to rush out in a frightful state of wax, and show a leg. 
 And then, being well up, you see, it was no use doing the 
 downy again, so it was just as well to make one's twilight and 
 go to chapel. Don't gape, Giglamps ; it's beastly rude, and I 
 havn't done yet. I'm going to tell you another dodge one of 
 old Small's. He invested money in an alarum, with a string 
 from it tied on to the bed-clothes, so as to pull them off at 
 whatever time you chose to set it. But I never saw the fun of 
 being left high and dry on your bed : it would be a shock to 
 the system which I couldn't stand. But even this dreadful 
 expedient would be better than posting an ager ; which, you 
 know, you didn't ought to was, Giglamps. Well, turn out, old 
 feller ! I've told Eobert to take your commons * into my 
 room. Smalls and Charley are coming, and I've got a dove- 
 tart and a spread-eagle." 
 
 " Whatever are they ? " asked Mr. Verdant Green. 
 
 * The' rations of bread, butter, and milk, supplied from the buttery. 
 The breakfast-giver tells his scout the names of those iv^college men who 
 are coming to breakfast with him. The scout then collects their commons, 
 which thus forms the substratum of the entertainment. The other 
 things are of course supplied by the giver of the breakfast, and are sent 
 in by the confectioner. As to the knives and forks and crockery, the 
 scout produces them from his common stock. 
 
62 THE FUKTHEB ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 " Not know what they are ! " cried Mr. Bouncer ; " why a 
 dove-tart is what mortals call a pigeon-pie. I ain't much in 
 Tennyson's line, but it strikes me that dove-tarts are more 
 poetical than the other thing ; spread-eagle is a barn-door fowl 
 smashed out flat, and made jolly with mushroom sauce, and no 
 end of good things. I don't know how they squash it, but 
 I should say that they sit upon it ; I daresay, if we were to 
 inquire, we should find that they kept a fat feller on purpose. 
 But you just come, and try how it eats." And, as Mr. Yerdant 
 Green's bedroom barely afforded standing room, even for one, 
 Mr. Bouncer walked into the sitting-room, while his friend 
 arose from his couch like a youthful Adonis, and proceeded to 
 
 bathe his ambrosial person, 
 by taking certain sanatory 
 measures in splashing about 
 in a species of tub a per 
 formance which Mr. Bouncer 
 was wont to term " doing 
 tumbies." 
 
 "What'll you take for 
 your letters, Giglamps ?" 
 called out the little gen 
 tleman from the other 
 
 room ; " the Post ' s in > 
 
 and here are three for you. 
 Two are from women, 
 young uns I should say, 
 from the regular ups and 
 downs, and right angles : 
 they look like billyduxes. 
 Give you a bob for them, at 
 The other is suspiciously 
 
 tick, and ought to be looked shy on. I should 
 you not to open it, but to pitch it in the fire : it 
 may save a fit of the blues. If you want any help over 
 shaving, just say so, Giglamps, will you, before I go ; and 
 then I'll hold your nose for you, or do anything else that's 
 civil and accommodating. And, when you've done your 
 tumbies, come in to the dove-tart and the spread-eagle." And 
 off went Mr. Bouncer, making terrible noises with his post- 
 liorn, in his strenuous but futile endeavours to discover the 
 octaves. 
 
 Our hero soon concluded his " tumbies " and his dressing 
 (not including the shaving), and made his way to Mr. Bouncer's 
 
 a venture ! 
 like a 
 
 advise 
 
 they may be funnv. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. (}$ 
 
 rooms, where he did full justice to the dove-tart, and admired 
 the spread-eagle so much, that he thought of bribing the 
 confectioner for the recipe to take home as a Christmas-box 
 for his mother. 
 
 " Well, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, when breakfast was 
 over, " to spare the blushes on your venerable cheeks, I won't 
 even so much as refer to the billyduxes ; but, I'll only ask, what 
 was the damage of the tick ? " 
 
 " Oh! it was not a bill," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "it 
 was a letter about a dog from the man of whom I bought Mop 
 last term." 
 
 " What! Filthy Lucre?" cried Mr. Bouncer; -''well, I thought, 
 somehow, I knew the fist! he writes just as if he'd learnt from 
 imitating his dogs' hind-legs. Let's have a sight of it if it ain't 
 private and confidential! " 
 
 " Oh dear no ! on the contrary, I was going to show it to- 
 you, and ask your advice on the contents." And Verdant 
 handed to Mr. Bouncer n letter, which had been elaborately 
 sealed with the aid of a key, and was directed high up in the 
 left-hand corner to 
 
 " Virdon grene es qre braisenface 
 collidge Oxford." 
 
 " You look beastly lazy, Charley !" said Mr. Bouncer to Mr. 
 Charles Larkyns ; " so, while 1 fill my pipe, just spit out the 
 letter, pro lono." And Charles Larkyns, lying in Mr. Bouncer's 
 easiest lounging chair, read as follows : 
 
 " Onnerd sir i tak the libbnty of a Dressin of you in respex of A dog 
 which i wor sorry For to ear ut" your Loss in mop which i had The pleshur 
 of Sellin of 2 you onnerd sir A going astray And not a turnin hup 
 Bein of A unsurtin Temper and guv to A folarin of strandgers which 
 wor maybe as ow You wor a lusein on him onnerd Sir bein Overdogd 
 at this ere present i can let you have A rale good teryer at A barrgiug 
 which wold giv sattefacshuu ounered Sir it wor 12 munth ago i Sold to 
 Bounser esqre a red smooth air terier Dog anserin 2 nam of Tug as wor 
 rite down goodun and No mistake onnerd Sir the purpurt Of this ere 
 is too say as ow i have a Hone brother to Tug black tann and ful ears and 
 If you wold like him i shold bee prowd too wate on you onnerd Sir he 
 wor by rcbbingsons Twister out of mister jones of abingdons Fan of witch 
 brede Bounser esqre nose on the merritts onnerd Sir he is very Smal and 
 smooth air and most xlent aither for wood Or warter a liter before Tug 
 onnerd Sir is nam is Vermin and he hant got his nam by no mistake as 
 No Vermin not even poll katts can live long before him onnerd Sir I 
 cousidders as vermin is very sootble compannion for a Gent indors or 
 hout and bein lively wold give amoosement i shall fele it A plesure a 
 waitin on you onnerd Sir opin you will pardin the libbaty of a Dresshi 
 of you but my head wor ful of vermin and i wishd to tel you 
 " onnerd Sir yures 
 
 2 komand j. Looker." 
 
64 THE FURTHER ADYENTUHS OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 " The nasty beggar ! " said Mr. Bouncer, in reference to the 
 last paragraph. " Well, Giglamps ! Filthy Lucre does'nt tel 
 
 fibs \vhen he says that Tug came of a good breed : but he was 
 so doosed pugnacious, that he was always having set-to's with 
 Huz and Buz, in the coal-shop just outside the door here ; and 
 so, as I'd nowhere else to stow them, I was obliged to give Tug 
 away. Dr. What's-his-name says, ' Let dogs delight to bark 
 and bite, for 'tis their nature to/ But then, you see, it's only 
 a delight when they bite somebody else's dog ; and if Dr. What's 
 his-name had had a kennel of his own, he would'nt have took it 
 so coolly ; and, whether it was their nature so to do or not, he 
 would'nt have let the little beggars, that he fork'd out thirteen 
 bob a-year for to the government, amuse themselves by biting 
 each other, or tearing out each other's eyes ; he'd have turn'd 
 them over, don't you see, to his neighbours' dogs, and have let 
 them do the biting department on them. And, altogether, 
 Giglamps, I'd advise you to let Filthy Lucre's Vermin alone, 
 and have nothing to do with the breed." 
 
 So Mr. Yerdant Green took his friend's advice, and then toe 
 himself off to learn boxing at the hands, and gloves, cf tl. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 65 
 
 Putney Pet ; for our hero, at the suggestion of Mr. Charles 
 Larkyns, had thought it advisable to receive a few lessons in 
 the fistic art, in order that he might be the better able to defend 
 himself, should he be engaged in a second Town and Grown. He 
 found the Pet in attendance upon Mr. Foote ; and, by their 
 mutual aid, speedily mastered the elements of the Art of Self- 
 defence. 
 
 Mr. Foote's rooms at St. John's were in the further corner to 
 the right-hand side of the Quad, and had windows looking into 
 the gardens. When Charles had held his Court at St. John's, 
 and when the loyal College had melted down its plate to coin 
 into money for the King's necessities, the Royal visitor had 
 occupied these very rooms. But it was not on this account 
 alone that they were the show rooms of the College, and that 
 tutors sent their compliments to Mr. Foote, with the request 
 that he would allow a party of friends to see his rooms. It was 
 chiefly on account of the lavish manner in which Mr. Foote had 
 furnished his rooms, with what he theatrically called " proper 
 ties," that made them so sought out : and country lionisers of 
 Oxford, who took their impressions of an Oxford student's room 
 from those of Mr. Foote, must have entertained very highly 
 coloured ideas of the internal aspect of the sober-looking ol'd 
 Colleges. 
 
 The sitting-room was large and lofty, and was panelled with 
 oak throughout. At the further end was an elaborately carved 
 book-case of walnut wood, filled with books gorgeously bound 
 in every tint of morocco and vellum, with their backs richly 
 tooled in gold. It was currently reported in the College that 
 " Footelights " had given an order for a certain number of feet 
 of books, not being at all proud as to their contents, and had 
 laid down the sum of a thousand pounds (or thereabouts) for 
 their binding. This might have been scandal ; but the fact of 
 his father being a Colossus of (the iron) Eoads, and indulging his 
 son and heir in every expense, gave some colour to the rumour. 
 
 The panels were covered with the choicest engravings (all 
 proofs-before-letters), and with water-colour drawings by 
 Cattermole, Cox. Fripp, Hunt, and Frederick Tayler their 
 wide, white margins being sunk in light gilt frames. Above 
 these gleamed groups of armour, standing out effectively (and 
 theatrically), against the dark oak panels, and full of "reflected 
 lights," that would have gladdened the heart of Maclise. There 
 were couches of velvet, and lounging chairs of every variety and 
 shape. There was a Broadwood's grand piano-forte, on which 
 Mr. Foote, although uninstructed, could play skilfully. There 
 
66 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 were round tables and square tables, and writing tables ; and 
 there were side tables with statuettes, and Swiss carvings, and 
 old china, and gold apostle-spoons, and lava ware, and Etruscan 
 vases, and a swarm of Spiers 's elegant knick-knackeries. There 
 were reading-stands of all sorts ; Briarean-armed brazen ones 
 that fastened on to the chair you sat in, sloping ones to rest 
 on the table before you, elaborately carved in open work, and 
 an upright one of severe G-othic, like a lectern, where you were 
 to stand and read without contracting your chest. Then 
 there were all kinds of stands to hold books : sliding ones, 
 expanding ones, portable ones, heavy fixture ones, plain maho 
 gany ones, and oak ones made glorious by Margetts with the 
 arms of Oxford and St. John's, carved and emblazoned on 
 the ends. 
 
 Mr. Foote's rooms were altogether a very gorgeous instance 
 of a Collegian's apartment ; and Mr. Foote himself was a very 
 striking example of the theatrical undergraduate. Possessing 
 great powers of mimicry and facial expression, he was able to 
 imitate any peculiarities which were to be observed either in 
 Dons or Undergraduates, in Presidents or Scouts. He could 
 sit down at his piano, and give you after the manner of 
 Theodore Hook, or John Parry a burlesque opera ; singing 
 high up in his head for the prirna donna, and going down to 
 his boots for the basso profondo of the great Lablache. He 
 could also draw corks, saw wood, do a bee in a handkerchief, 
 and make monkeys, cats, dogs, a farm-yard, or a full band, with 
 equal facility. He would also give you Mr. Keeley, in " Betsy 
 
 Baker ; " Mr. Paul Bedford, as " I believe you my bo-o-oy 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 07 
 
 Mr. Buckstone, as Cousin Joe, and " Box and Cox; " or Mr. 
 "Wright, as Paul Pry, or Mr. Felix Fluffy. Besides the 
 comedians, Mr. Footelights would also give you the leading 
 tragedians, and would favour you (through his nose) with the 
 popular burlesque imitation of Mr. Charles Kean, as ILablet. 
 He would fling himself down on the carpet, and grovel there, 
 as Hamlet does in the play-scene, and would exclaim, with 
 frantic vehemence, "He poisods hib i' the garded, for his 
 estate. His dabe's Godzago : the story is extadt, ad writted 
 id very choice Italiad. You shall see adod, how the burderer 
 gets the love of Godzago's wife." Moreover, as his room 
 possessed the singularity of a trap-door leading down into a 
 wine-cellar, Mr. " Footelights " was thus enabled to leap down 
 into the aperture, and carry on the personation of Hamlet in 
 Ophelia's grave. As the theatrical trait in his character was 
 productive of much amusement, and as he was also considered 
 to be one of those hilarious fragments of masonry, popularly 
 known as "jolly bricks," Mr. Foote's society was greatly cul 
 tivated ; and Mr. Verdant Green struck up a warm friendship 
 with him. 
 
 But the Michaelmas term was drawing to its close. Buttery 
 and kitchen books were adding up their sums total ; bursars 
 were preparing for battels ; * witless men were cramming for 
 Collections ; t scouts and bedmakers were looking for tips , 
 and tradesmen were hopelessly expecting their little accounts. 
 And, in a few days, Mr. Verdant G-reen might have been seen 
 at the railway station, in company with Mr. Charles Larkyns 
 and Mr. Bouncer, setting out for the Manor Green, via 
 London this being, as is well known, the most direct route 
 from Oxford to "Warwickshire. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer, who when travelling was never easy in his 
 mind unless Huz and Buz were with him in the same carriage, 
 had placed these two interesting specimens of the canine 
 species in a small light box, partially ventilated by means of 
 holes drilled through the top. But Huz and Buz, not much 
 admiring this contracted mode of conveyance, and probably 
 suffering from incipient asphyxia, in spite of the admonitory 
 
 * Battels are the accounts of the expenses of each student. It is stated 
 in Todd's Johnson that this singular word is derived from the Saxon verb, 
 meaning " to count or reckon." But it is stated in the Gentleman's Maga 
 zine for 1792, that the word may probably be derived from the Low-Ger 
 man word bettahlen, " to pay," whence may come our English word, 
 tale or score. 
 
 *j" College Terminal Examinations. 
 
 F 2 
 
68 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 kicks against their box, gave way to dismal howls, at the 
 very moment when the guard came to look at the tickets. 
 
 " Can't allow dogs in here, sir ! they must go in the locker,'* 
 said the guard. 
 
 " Dogs ? " cried Mr. Bouncer, in apparent astonishment : 
 " they're rabbits !" 
 
 " Rabbits t " ejaculated the guard, in his turn. "Oh, come r 
 sir T what makes rabbits bark ? " 
 
 " "What makes 'em bark ? Why, because they've got the 
 pip, poor beggars! " replied Mr. Bouncer, promptly. At 
 which the guard graciously laughed, and retired; probably 
 thinking that he should, in the end, be a gainer if he allowed 
 Huz and Buz to journey in the same first-class carriage with 
 their master. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN SPENDS A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY 
 NEW YEAR. 
 
 CHRISTMAS had come ; the season of kindness, and hospita 
 lity ; the season when the streams of benevolence flow full in 
 their channels ; the season when the Honourable Miss Hyems 
 indulges herself with ice, while the vulgar Jack Frost regales 
 himself with cold-without. Christmas had come, and had 
 brought with it an old fashioned winter ; and, as Mr. Verdant 
 Green stands with his hands in his pockets, and gazes from 
 the drawing-room of his paternal mansion, he looks forth upon 
 a white world. 
 
 The snow is everywhere. The shrubs are weighed down by 
 masses of it ; the terrace is knee-deep in it ; the plaster Apollo, 
 in the long-walk, is more than knee-deep in it, and is furnished 
 with a surplice and wig, like a half-blown Bishop. The 
 distant country looks the very ghost of a landscape : the white- 
 walled cottages seem part and parcel of the snow-drifts around 
 them, drifts that take every variety of form, and are swept by 
 the wind into faery wreaths, and fantastic caves. The old mill- 
 wheel is locked fast, and gemmed with giant icicles ; its slippery 
 stairs are more slippery than ever. G-olden gorse and purple 
 heather are now all of a colour ; orchards puts forth blossoms 
 of real snow ; the gently swelling hills look bright and dazzling 
 
AN OXFORD UNDE1JAI>UATK 
 
 in the wintry sun ; the grey church tower has grown from 
 grey to white ; nothing looks black, except the swarms of 
 rooks that dot the snowy fields, or make their caws (long 
 as any Chancery-suit) to be heard from among the dark 
 branches of the stately elms that form the avenue to the 
 Manor-Green. 
 
 It is a rare busy time for the intelligent Mr. Mole the 
 gardener ! he is always sweeping at that avenue, and, do what lie 
 will, he cannot keep it clear from snow. As Mr. Verdant 
 Green looks forth upon the white world, his gaze is more par 
 ticularly directed to this avenue, as though the form of the in 
 telligent Mr. Mole was an object of interest. From time to time 
 Mr. Verdant Green consults his watch in a nervous manner, 
 and is utterly indifferent to the appeals of the robin- 
 redbreast who is hopping 
 about outside, in expecta 
 tion of the dinner which 
 has been daily given to 
 him. 
 
 Just when the robin, 
 emboldened by hunger, has 
 begun to tap fiercely with 
 his bill against the win 
 dow-pane, as a gentle hint 
 that the smallest dona 
 tions of crumbs of comfort 
 will be thankfully received, 
 Mr. Verdant Green, ut 
 terly oblivious of robins in 
 general, and of the sharp 
 pecks of this one in parti 
 cular, takes no notice of 
 the little redbreast waiter 
 with the bill, but, slightly 
 colouring; up, fixes his gaze 
 upon the lodge-gate through which a group of ladies and gentle 
 men are passing. Stepping back for a moment, and stealing a 
 glance at himself in the mirror, Mr. Verdant Green hurriedly ar 
 ranges and disarranges his hair pulls about his collar ties and 
 unties his neck-handkerchief buttons and then unbuttons his 
 coat takes another look from the window sees the intelligent 
 Mr. Mole (besom in hand) salaaming the party, and then 
 makes a rush for the vestibule, to be at the door to receive 
 them. 
 
70 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 Let us take a look at them as they come up the avenue. 
 Place aux dames, is the proper sort of thing; but as there 
 is no rule without its exception, and no adage without its 
 counter-proverb, we will give the gentlemen the priority of 
 description. 
 
 Hale and hearty, the picture of amiability and gentlemanly 
 feeling, comes the Rector, Mr. Larkyns, sturdily crunching the 
 frozen snow, which has defied all the besom powers of the intel 
 ligent Mr. Mole. Here, too, is Mr. Charles Larkyns, and, 
 moreover, his friend Henry Bouncer, Esq., who has come to 
 Christmas at the Rectory. Following in their wake is a fourth 
 gentleman attired in the costume peculiar to clergymen, 
 dissenting ministers, linen-drapers' assistants, and tavern 
 waiters. He happens to belong to the first-named section, and 
 is no less a person than the Rev. Josiah Meek, B.A., (St. 
 Christopher's Coll., Oxon.) who, for the last three months, 
 has officiated as Mr. Larkyns' s curate. He appears to be of a 
 peace-loving, lamb-like disposition ; and, though sportive as a 
 lamb when occasion requires, is yet of timid ways and manners. 
 He is timid, too, in voice, speaking in a feeble treble ; he is 
 timid, too, in his address, more particularly as regards 
 females ; and he has mild-looking whiskers, that are far too 
 timid to assume any decided or obtrusive colour, and have 
 fallen, back on a generalised whitey-brown tint. But, though 
 timid enough in society, he was bold and energetic in the dis 
 charge of his pastoral duties, and had already won the esteem 
 of every one in the parish. So, Verdant had been told, when, 
 on his return from college, he had asked his sisters how they 
 liked the new curate. They had not only heard of his good 
 deeds, but thy had witnessed many of them in their visits 
 to the schools and among the poor. Mary and Fanny were 
 loud in his praise ; and if Helen said but little, it was perhaps 
 because she thought the more; for Helen was now of the sus 
 ceptible age of "sweet seventeen," an age that not only feels 
 warmly but thinks deeply ; and, who shall say what feelings and 
 thoughts may lie beneath the pure waters of that sea of: 
 maidenhood whose surface is so still and calm ? Love alone 
 can tell : Love, the bold diver, who can cleave that still surface, 
 and bring up into the light of heaven the rich treasures that 
 are of Heaven's own creation. 
 
 "With the four gentlemen come two ladies young ladies, 
 moreover, who, as penny-a-liners say, are " possessed of con 
 siderable personal attractions." These are the Misses Honey- 
 wood, the blooming daughters of the rector's only sister ; and 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 71 
 
 they have come from the far land of the North, and are look 
 ing as fresh and sweet as their own heathery hills. The roses 
 of health that bloom upon their cheeks have been brought 
 into full blow by the keen, sharp breeze ; the shepherd' s- 
 plaid shawls drawn tightly around them give the outline of 
 figures that gently swell into the luxuriant line of beauty and 
 grace. Altogether, they are damsels who are pleasant to the 
 eye, and very fair to look upon. 
 
 Since they had last visited their uriclo four years had 
 passed, and, in that time, they had shot up to womanhood, 
 although they were not yet out of their teens. Their 
 father was a landed proprietor living in north Northumber 
 land ; and, like other landed proprietors who live under the 
 shade of the Cheviots, was 
 rich in his flocks, and his 
 herds, and his men-servanta 
 and his maid-servants, and 
 his he-asses and his she- 
 asses, and was quite a 
 modern patriarch. During 
 the past summer, the rector 
 had taken a trip to North 
 umberland, in order to see 
 his sister, and refresh him 
 self with a clergyman's fort 
 night at Honeywood Hall, 
 and he would not leave 
 his sister and her husband 
 
 until he had extracted from 
 
 them a promise that they 
 
 would bring down their two 
 
 eldest daughters and christ- 
 
 mas in Warwickshire. This 
 
 was accordingly agreed to, 
 
 and, more than that, acted 
 
 upon ; and little Mr. 
 
 Bouncer and his sister Fanny 
 
 were asked to meet them ; 
 
 but, to relieve the rector of 
 
 a superfluity of lady guests, 
 
 Miss Bouncer's quarters had been removed to the Manor 
 
 Green. 
 
 It was quite an event in the history of our hero and 
 
 his sisters. Four years ago, they, and Kitty and Patty 
 
73 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 Honey wood, were mere chits, for whom dolls had not altogether 
 lost their interest, and who considered it as promotion when they 
 sat in the drawing-room on company evenings, instead of being 
 shown up at dessert. Pour years at this period of life makes 
 a vast change in young ladies, and the Green and Honeywood 
 girls had so altered since last they met, that they had almost 
 needed a fresh introduction to each other. But a day's 
 intimacy made them bosom friends ; and the Manor Green 
 soon saw such revels as it had not seen for many a long year. 
 
 Every night there were (in the language of the play-bills of 
 provincial theatres) " singing and dancing, with a variety of 
 other entertainments ; " the " other entertainments" occasion 
 ally consisting (as is scandalously affirmed) of a very favourite 
 jlass of entertainment popular at all times, but running mad 
 riot at the Christmas season wherein two performers of 
 either sex take their places beneath a white-berried bough, 
 
 and go through a species 
 of dance, or pas de fas 
 cination, accompanied by 
 mysterious rites and so 
 lemnities that have been 
 scrupulously observed, and 
 handed down to us, from 
 the earliest age. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green, dur 
 ing the short alas ! too 
 short Christmas week, 
 had performed more polkas 
 than he had ever danced 
 in his life ; and, under 
 the charming tuition of 
 Miss Patty Honeywood, 
 was fast becoming a pro 
 ficient in the valse a deux 
 temps. As yet, the whirl 
 of the dance brought on a 
 corresponding rotatory mo 
 tion of the brain, that made 
 everything swim before his 
 spectacles in a way which 
 will be easily understood 
 by all bad travellers who 
 have crossed from Dover to 
 Calais with a chopping sea and a gale of wind. But Miss Pavty 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 73 
 
 Honeywood was both good-natured and persevering : and she 
 allowed our hero to dance on her feet without a murmur, 
 and watchfully guided him when his giddy vision would have 
 led them into contact with foreign bodies. 
 
 It is an old saying, that Gratitude begets Love. Mr. 
 Verdant Green had already reached the first part of this 
 dangerous creation, for he felt grateful to the pretty Patty for 
 the good-humoured trouble she bestowed on the awkwardness, 
 which he now, for the first time, began painfully to perceive. 
 But, what his gratitude might end in, he had perhaps never 
 taken the trouble to inquire. It was enough to Mr. Verdant 
 Green that he enjoyed the present ; and, as to the future, he 
 fully followed out the Horatian precept 
 
 Quid sit futurum eras, fuge quserere ; 
 * * * nee dulces amores 
 
 Sperne, puer, neque tu choreas. 
 
 It was perhaps ungrateful in our hero to prefer Miss Patty 
 Honeywood to Miss Fanny Bouncer, especially when the 
 latter was staying in the house, and had been so warmly 
 recommended to his notice by her vivacious brother. Especially, 
 too, as there was nothing to be objected to in Miss Bouncer, 
 saving the fact that some might have affirmed she was a trifle 
 too much inclined to embonpoint, and was indeed a bouncer in 
 person as well as in name. Especially, too, as Miss Fanny 
 
 Bouncer was both good-humoured and clever, and, besides 
 
74 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 being mistress of the usual young-lady accomplishments, was 
 a clever proficient in the fascinating art of photography, and 
 had brought her camera and chemicals, and had not only 
 calotyped Mr. Verdant Green, but had made no end of dupli 
 cates of him, in a manner that was suggestive of the deepest 
 admiration and affection. But these sort of likings are not 
 made to rule, and Mr. Verdant Green could see Miss Fanny 
 Bouncer approach without betraying any of those symptoms 
 of excitement, under the influence of which we had the 
 privilege to see him, as he gazed from the window of his 
 paternal mansion, and then, on beholding the approaching form 
 of Miss Patty Honeywood, rush wildly to the vestibule. 
 
 The party had no occasion to ring, for the hall door was 
 already opened for them, and Mr. Verdant Green was soon 
 exchanging a delightful pressure of the hand with the blooming 
 Patty. 
 
 " We were such a formidable party," said that young lady, 
 as she laughed merrily, and thereby disclosed to the enrap 
 tured gazer a remarkably even set of white teeth (" All her 
 own, too ! " as little Mr. Bouncer afterwards remarked to the 
 enraptured gazer) ; " we were such a formidable party," said 
 Miss Patty, " that papa and mamma declared they would 
 stay behind at the Rectory, and would not join in such a 
 visitation." 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green replies, " Oh dear ! I am very sorry," 
 and looks remarkably delighted though it certainly may 
 not be at the absence of the respected couple ; and he then 
 proclaims that everything is ready, and that Miss Bouncer 
 and his sisters had found out some capital words. 
 
 " "What a mysterious communication, Verdant ! " remarks 
 the rector, as they pass into the house. But the rector is 
 only to be let so far into the secret as to be informed that, at 
 the evening party which is to be held at the Manor Green 
 that night, a charade or two will be acted, in order to diversify 
 the amusements. The Misses Honeywood are great adepts in 
 this sort of pastime ; so, also, are Miss Bouncer and her 
 brother. !For although the latter does not shine as a mimic, 
 yet, as he is never deserted by his accustomed coolness, he has 
 plenty of the nonchalance and readiness which is a requisite 
 for charade acting. The Miss Honeywoods and Mr. Bouncer 
 have therefore suggested to Mr. Verdant Green and his 
 sisters, that to get up a little amateur performance would 
 be " great fun ; " and the suggestion has met with a warm 
 approval. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 75 
 
 The, drawing-room at the Manor Green opened by large 
 folding-doors to the library ; so (as Mr. Bouncer observed to 
 our hero), " there you've got your stage and your drop-scene 
 as right as a trivet ; and, if you stick a lot of candles and 
 lights on each side of the doors in the library, there you'll 
 have a regular flare-up that'll show off your venerable gig- 
 lamps no end." 
 
 So charades were determined on ; and, when words had been 
 hunted up, a council of war was called. But, as the ladies 
 and gentlemen hold their council with closed doors, we 
 cannot intrude upon them. We must therefore wait till the 
 evening, when the result of their deliberations will be publicly 
 manifested. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 MR VERDANT GREEN MAKES HIS FIRST APPEARANCE ON ANY 
 BOARDS 
 
 IT is the last night of December. The old year, worn out 
 and spent with age, lies a 
 dying, wrapped in sheets of 
 snow. 
 
 A stern stillness reigns 
 around. The steps of men 
 are muffled ; no echoing 
 footfalls disturb the solemn 
 nature of the time. The 
 little runnels weep icy 
 tears. The dark pines hang 
 out their funereal plumes, 
 and nod with their weight 
 of snow. The elms have 
 thrown off their green robes 
 of joy, and, standing up in 
 gaunt nakedness, wildly toss 
 to heaven their imploring 
 arms. The old year lies a 
 dying. 
 
 Silently through the snow * 
 steal certain carriages to the portals of the Manor Greeii . 
 
<6 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 and, with a ringing of bells and a banging of steps, the 
 occupants disappear in a stream of light that issues from the 
 hall door. Mr. Green's small sanctum to the right of the hall 
 has been converted into a cloak-room, and is fitted up with a 
 ladies'-maid and a looking-glass, in a manner not to be re 
 membered by the oldest inhabitant. 
 
 There the finishing stroke of ravishment is given to the 
 toilette disarranged by a, long drive through the impeding snow. 
 There Miss Parkington (whose papa has lately revived his old 
 school friendship with Mr. Green) discovers, to her unspeak 
 able disgust, that the ten mile drive through the cold has 
 invested her cheek with purple tints, and given to her retrousse 
 (ill-natured people call it " pug ") nose a hue that mocks 
 
 The turkey's crested fringe. 
 
 There, too, Miss Waters (whose paternities had hitherto only 
 been on morning-call terms with the Manor Green people, but 
 had brushed up their acquaintance now that there was a son of 
 marriageable years and heir to an independent fortune) 
 
 discovers to her dismay that the joltings received during a 
 six-mile drive through snowed-up lanes, have somewhat 
 deteriorated the very full-dress aspect of her attire, and con- 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 77 
 
 siderably flattened its former balloon-like dimensions. And 
 there, too, Miss Brindle (whose family have been hunted up 
 for the occasion) makes the alarming discovery that, in the 
 lurch which their hack-fly had made at the cross roads, hex 
 brother Alfred's patent boots had not only dragged off some 
 yards (more or less) of her flounces, but had also to use her 
 own mystical language " torn her skirt at the gathers ! " 
 
 All, however, is put right as far as possible. A warm at the 
 sanctum's fire diminishes the purple in Miss Parkington's 
 cheeks ; and the maid, by some hocus-pocus peculiar to her 
 craft, again inflates Miss Waters into a balloon, and stitches up 
 Miss Brindle 's flounces and " gathers.' 7 The ladies join their 
 respective gentlemen, who have been cooling their toes and 
 uttering warm anathemas in the hall ; and the party sail, arm- 
 in-arm, into the drawing-room, and forthwith fall to lively 
 remarks on that neutral ground of conversation, the weather. 
 
 Mr. Yerdant Green is there, dressed with elaborate magni- 
 
78 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 ficence ; but lie continues in a state of listless apathy, and is 
 indifferent to the " lively " rattle of the balloon-like Miss 
 "Waters, until John the footman (who is suffering from 
 influenza) rouses him into animation by the magic talisman 
 " Bister, Bissis, an' the Biss 'Oneywoods ;" when he beams 
 through his spectacles in the most benign and satisfied manner. 
 The Misses Honeywood are as blooming as usual: the cold 
 air, instead of spoiling their good looks, has but improved their 
 healthy style of beauty ; and they smile, laugh, and talk in a 
 perfectly easy, unaffected, and natural manner. Mr. Verdant 
 Green at once makes his way to Miss Patty Honey wood's side, 
 and, gracefully standing beside her, coffee-cup in hand, plunges 
 headlong into the depths of a tangled conversation. 
 
 Meanwhile, the drawing-room of the Manor Green becomes 
 filled in a way that has not been seen for many a long year ; 
 and the intelligent Mr. Mole, the gardener (who has been 
 impressed as an odd man for the occasion, and is served up in 
 a pseudo-livery to make him more presentible), sees more 
 " genteel " people than have, for a long time, been visible to 
 his naked eye. The intelligent Mr. Mole, when he has after 
 wards been restored to the bosom of Mrs. Mole and his family, 
 confides to his equally intelligent helpmate that, in his opinion, 
 "Master has guv the party to get husbands for the young 
 ladies " an opinion which, though perhaps not founded on 
 fact so far as it related to the party which was the subject 
 of Mr. Mole's remark, would doubtless be applicable to many 
 similar parties given under somewhat similar circumstances. 
 
 It is not improbable that the intelligent Mr. Mole may 
 have based his opinion on a circumstance which, to a gentle 
 man of his sagacity, must have carried great weight namely, 
 that whenever in the course of the evening the hall was made 
 the promenade for the loungers and dancers, he perceived, 
 firstly, that Miss Green was invariably accompanied by Mr. 
 Charles Larkyns ; secondly, that the Rev. Josiah Meek kept 
 Miss Helen dallying about the wine and lemonade tray much 
 longer than was necessary for the mere consumption of the 
 cooling liquids ; and thirdly, that Miss Fanny, who was a pert, 
 talkative Miss of sixteen, was continually to be found there 
 with either Mr. Henry Bouncer or Mr. Alfred Brindle dancing 
 attendance upon her. But, be this as it may, the intelligent 
 Mr. Mole was impressed with the conviction that Mr. Green 
 had called his young friends together as to a matrimonial 
 auction, and that his daughters were to be put up without 
 reserve, and knocked down to the highest bidder. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 79 
 
 All the party have arrived. The weather has "been talked 
 over for the last time (for the present) ; a harp, violin, and 
 a cornet-a-piston from the county town, influenced by the 
 spirit of gin-and- water, are heard discoursing most eloquent 
 music in the dining-room, which has been cleared cut for the 
 dance. Miss Patty Honeywood, accepting the ofier of Mr. 
 Yerdant Green's arm, swims joyously out of the room ; other 
 ladies and gentlemen pair, and follow : the ball is opened. 
 
 A polka follows the quadrille ; and, while the dancers resfc 
 awhile from their exertions, or crowd around the piano in the 
 drawing-room to hear the balloon-like Miss "Waters play a 
 firework piece of music, in which execution takes the place of 
 melody, and chromatic scales are discharged from her fingers 
 like showers of rockets, Mr. Verdant Green mysteriously 
 weeds out certain members of the party, and vanishes with 
 them up-stairs. 
 
 When Miss Waters has discharged all her fireworks, and 
 has descended from the throne of her music-stool, a set of 
 Lancers is formed ; and, while the usual mistakes are being 
 made in the figures, the dancers find a fruitful subject of con- 
 
 nrruTrsrnr<>i\imiUiiitMimiMjn>.iii 
 
 versation in surmises that a charade is going to be acted. 
 The surmise proves to be correct ; for when the set has been 
 
60 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 brought to an end with that peculiar in-and-out tum-tum- 
 tiddle-iddle-tum-tum-tum movement which characterises the 
 last figure of Les Landers, the trippers on the light fantastic 
 toe are requested to assemble in the drawing-room, where the 
 chairs and couches have been pulled up to face the folding 
 doors that lead into the library. Mr. Yerdant Green appears; 
 and, after announcing that the word to be acted will be one of 
 three syllables, and that each syllable will be represented by 
 itself, and that then the complete word will be given, throws 
 open the folding doors for 
 
 SCENE I. Syllable 1. Enter the Miss Honeywoods, dressed 
 in fashionable bonnets and shawls. They are shown in by 
 a footman (Mr. Bouncer) attired in a peculiarly ingenious and 
 effective livery, made by pulling up the trousers to the knee, 
 and wearing the dress-coat inside out, so as to display the 
 crimson silk linings of the sleeves : the effect of Mr. Bouncer's 
 appearance is considerably heightened by a judicious outlay of 
 flour sprinkled over his hair. Mr. Bouncer (as footman) gives 
 the ladies chairs, and inquires, " What name shall I be pleased 
 to say, mem ? " Miss Patty answers in a languid and fashion 
 able voice, " The Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget." 
 Mr. Bouncer evaporates with a low bow, leaving the ladies to 
 play with their parasols, and converse. Lady Arabella (Miss 
 Patty) then expresses a devout wish that Lady Trotter (wife 
 of Sir Lambkin Trotter, Bart.), in whose house they are sup 
 posed to be, will not keep them waiting as long as she detained 
 her aunt, Lady Bellwether, when the poor old lady fell asleep 
 from sheer fatigue, and was found snoring on the sofa. Lady 
 Louisa then falls to an inspection of the card-tray, and reads- 
 the paste-boards of some high-sounding titles not to be found 
 in Debrett, and expresses wonder as to where Lady Trotter 
 can have picked up the Duchess of Ditchwater's card, as she 
 (Lady Louisa) is morally convinced that her Grace can never 
 have condescended to have even sent in her card by a footman. 
 Becoming impatient at the non-appearance of Lady Trotter, 
 Miss Patty Honeywood then rings the bell, and, with much 
 asperity of manner, inquires of Mr. Bouncer (as footman) it* 
 Lady Trotter is informed that the Ladies Louisa and Arabella 
 Mountfidget are waiting to see her? Mr. Bouncer replies, 
 with a footman's bow, and a footman's /aexasperation of his h's, 
 " Me lady is haweer hof your ladyships' visit ; but me lady is 
 at present hunable to happear: me lady, 'owever, has give 
 me a message, which she hasks me to deliver to your lady 
 ships." " Then why don't you deliver it at once," says Miss 
 
AN OXFORD UNDEKGflADUATE. 81 
 
 Patty, " and not waste the valuable time of the Ladies Louisa 
 and "Arabella Mountfidget ? What is the message ? " " Me 
 lady," replies Mr. Bouncer, " requests me to present her 
 compliments to your ladyships, and begs me to hinform you 
 that me lady is a cleaning of herself! " Amid great laughter 
 from the audience, the Ladies Mountfidget toss their heads 
 and nutter grandly out of the room, followed by the floured 
 ^ootman ; while Mr. Yerdant Green, unseen by those in front, 
 pushes-to the folding doors, to show that the first syllable is 
 performed. 
 
 Praises of the acting, and guesses at the word, agreeably fill 
 up the time till the next scene. The Revel. Josiah Meek, who 
 is not much used to charades, confides to Miss Helen Green 
 that he surmises the word to be, either " visitor " or " impu 
 dence ; " but, as the only ground to this surmise rests on these 
 two words being words of three syllables, Miss Helen gently 
 repels the idea, and sagely observes, " we shall see more in the 
 next scene." 
 
 SCENE II. Syllable 2. The folding-doors open, and discover 
 Mr. Verdant Green, as a sick gentleman, lying on a sofa, in a 
 dressing-gown, with pillows under his head, and Miss Patty 
 Honey wood in attendance upon him. A table, covered with 
 glasses and medicine bottles, is drawn up to the sufferer's couch 
 in an inviting manner. Miss Patty informs the sufferer that 
 the time is come for him to take his draught. The sufferer 
 groans in a dismal manner, and says, " Oh ! is it, my dear ? " 
 She replies, " Tes ! you must take it now ; " and sternly pours 
 some sherry wine out of the medicine bottle into a cup. The 
 sufferer makes piteous faces, and exclaims, " It is so nasty, I 
 can't take it, my love ! " (It is to be observed that Mr. Verdant 
 Green, skilfully taking advantage of the circumstance that Miss 
 Patty Honeywood is supposed to represent the wife of the 
 sufferer, plentifully besprinkles his conversation with endearing 
 epithets.) "When, after much persuasion and groaning, the 
 sufferer has been induced to take his medicine, his spouse 
 announces the arrival of the doctor ; when, enter Mr. Bouncer, 
 still floured as to his head, but wearing spectacles, a long black 
 coat, and a shirt-frill, and having his dress otherwise altered so 
 as to represent a medical man of the old school. The doctor 
 asks what sort of a night his patient has had, inspects his 
 tongue with professional gravity, feels his pulse, looks at his 
 watch, and mysteriously shakes his head. He then commences 
 thrusting and poking Mr. Verdant Green in various parts of his 
 body, after the manner of doctors with their victims, and 
 
 
82 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 farmers with their beasts, enquiring between each poke, 
 " Does that hurt you ? " and being answered by a convulsive 
 " Oh ! " and a groan of agony. The doctor then prescribes a 
 draught to be taken every half-hour, with the pills and blister 
 at bed-time ; and, after covering his two fellow-actors with 
 confusion, by observing that he leaves his patient in admirable 
 hands, and, that in an affection of the heart, the application of 
 lip-salve and warm treatment will give a decided tone to the 
 system, and produce soothing and grateful emotions takes his 
 leave ; and the folding-doors are closed on the blushes of Miss 
 Patty Honeywood, and Mr. Verdant Green. 
 
 More applause : more agreeable conversation : more ingenious 
 
 speculations. The E-evd. Josiah Meek is now of opinion that 
 the word is either "medicine" or "suffering." Miss Helen 
 still sagely observes, " we shall see more in the next scene." 
 
 SCENE III. Syllable 3. Mr. Verdant Green discovered 
 Bitting at a table furnished with pens and ink, books, and rolls 
 of paper. Mr. Verdant Green wears on his head a Chelsea 
 pensioner's cocked-hat (the " property " of the Family, as Mr. 
 Footelighta would have said), folded into a shovel shape; and 
 is supposed to accurately represent the outside of a London 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 publisher. To him enter Mr. Bouncer the flour off his head 
 coat buttoned tightly to the throat, no visible linen, and 
 
 over for the press a work of a distinguished author, which 
 am just about to publish." Meekly replies the other, as he holds 
 under his arm an immense paper packet : " It is about a work 
 of my own, sir, that I have now ventured to intrude upon you. 
 I have here, sir, a small manuscript," (producing his roll of a 
 book), " which I am ambitious to see given to the world through 
 the medium of your printing establishment." To him, the 
 Publisher " Already am I inundated with manuscripts on all 
 possible subjects, and cannot undertake to look at any more for 
 some time to come. What is the nature of your manuscript ? " 
 Meekly replies the other " The theme of my work, sir, is a 
 History of England before the Elood. The subject is both new 
 and interesting. It is to be presumed that our beloved country 
 existed before the Elood : if so, it must have had a history. I 
 have therefore endeavoured to fill up what is lacking in the 
 annals of our land, by a record of its antediluvian state, adapted 
 to the meanest comprehension, and founded on the most 
 baseless facts. I am desirous, sir, to see myself in print. I 
 should like my work, sir, to appear in large letters ; in very 
 large letters, sir. Indeed, sir, it would give me joy, if you 
 would condescend to print it altogether in capital letters : my 
 magnum opus might then be called with truth, a capital work." 
 To him, the Publisher " Much certainly depends on the 
 character of the printing." Meekly the author "Indeed, sir, 
 it does. A great book, sir, should be printed in great letters. 
 If you will permit me, I will show you the size of the letters in 
 which I should wish my book to be printed." Mr. Bouncer 
 then points out in some books on the table, the printing he 
 most admires ; and, beseeching the Publisher to read over his 
 manuscript, and think favourably of his History of England 
 before the Flood, makes his bow to Mr. Verdant Green and 
 the Chelsea pensioner's cocked hat. 
 
 More applause, and speculations. The E/evd. Josiah Meek 
 confident that he has discovered the word. It must be either 
 " publisher" or " authorship." Miss Helen still sage. 
 
 SCENE IV. The Word. Miss Bouncer discovered with her 
 camera, arranging her photographic chemicals. She soliloquises. 
 " There ! now, all is ready for my sitter." She calls the footman 
 (Mr. Yerdant Green), and says, " John, you may show the 
 
 G 2 
 
84 THE FUETHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 Lady Fitz- Canute upstairs." The footman shows in Mis-s 
 Honeywood, dressed in an antiquated bonnet and mantle, 
 waving a huge fan. John gives her a chair, into which she 
 drops, exclaiming, " What an insufferable toil it is to ascend to 
 these elevated Photographic rooms ; " and makes good use ot 
 her fan. Miss Bouncer then fixes the focus of her camera, and 
 begs the Lady Pitz- Canute to sit perfectly still, and to call up 
 an agreeable smile to her face. Miss Honeywood thereupon 
 disposes her face in ludicrous " wreathed smiles ;" and Miss 
 Bouncer's head disappears under the velvet hood of the 
 camera. " I am afraid," at length says Miss Bouncer, "I am. 
 afraid that I shall not be able to succeed in taking a likeness of 
 your ladyship this morning." " And why, pray ? " asks her 
 ladyship with haughty surprise. " Because it is a gloomy day," 
 replies the Photographer, " and much depends upon the rays 
 of light." " Then procure the rays of light ! " " That is more 
 than I can do." " Indeed ! I suppose if the Lady Fitz-Canute 
 wishes for the rays of light, and condescends to pay for the rays 
 of light, she can obtain the rays of light." Miss Bouncer 
 considers this too exigeant, and puts her sitter off by promising 
 to complete a most fascinating portrait of her on some more 
 favourable day. Lady Fitz-Canute appears to be somewhat 
 mollified at this, and is graciously pleased to observe, " Then I 
 will undergo the fatigue of ascending to these elevated Photo 
 graphic-rooms at some future period. But, mind, when I next 
 come, that you procure the rays of light ! " So she is shown 
 out by Mr. Verdant Green, and the folding-doors are closed 
 amid applause, and the audience distract themselves with guesses 
 as to the word. 
 
 " Photograph " is a general favourite, but is found not to 
 agree with the three first scenes, although much ingenuity is 
 expended in endeavouring to make them fit the word. The 
 Curate makes a headlong rush at the word " Daguerreotype," 
 and is confident that he has solved the problem, until he is 
 informed that it is a word of more than three syllables. Charles 
 Larkyns has already whispered the word to Mary Green ; but 
 they keep their discovery to themselves. At length, the Eevd. 
 Josiah Meek, in a moment of inspiration, hits upon the word, 
 and proclaims it to be CALOTIPE (" Call oh ! type ; ") upon 
 which Mr. Alfred Brindle declares to Miss Eanny Green that 
 he had fancied it must be that, all along, and, in fact, was just 
 on the point of saying it : and the actors, coming in in a body, 
 receive the violet-crowns and laurel- wreaths of praise as the 
 meed of their exertions. Perhaps, the Miss Honeywoods and 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 85 
 
 Mr. Bouncer receive larger crowns than the others, but Mr. 
 Verdant Green gets his due share, and is fully satisfied with hia 
 first appearance on " the boards." 
 
 Dancing then succeeds, varied by songs from the young 
 ladies, and discharges of chromatic fireworks from the fingers of 
 Miss Waters, for whom Charles Larkyns does the polite, in 
 turning over the leaves of her music. Then some carol-singers 
 come to the Hall-door, and the bells of the church proclaim, in 
 
 joyful peals, the birth of the New Year ; a new year of hopes, 
 and joys, and cares, and griefs, and unions, and partings ; a 
 new year of which, who then present shall see the end ? who 
 shall be there to welcome in its successor ? who shall be 
 absent, laid in the secret places of the earth ? Ah, who ? For, 
 even in the midst of revelry and youth, the joy-peals of those 
 old church bells can strike the key-note of a wa'il of grief. 
 
 Another charade follows, in which new actors join. Then 
 comes a merry supper, in which Mr. Alfred Brindle, in order to 
 give himself courage to appear in the next charade, takes more 
 
86 THE FUBTHEB ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 champagne than is good for him ; in which, too (probably,, 
 from similar champagney reasons), Miss Parkington s unfortu 
 nately self-willed nose again assumes a more roseate hue than 
 is becoming to a maiden ; in which, too, Mr. Yerdant Green 
 being called upon to return thanks for " the ladies " (toast, 
 proposed in eloquent terms by H. Bouncer, Esq., and drunk 
 " with the usual honours,") is so alarmed at finding himself 
 upon his legs, that his ideas altogether vanish, and in great 
 confusion of utterance, he observes, " I I ladies and gentle- 
 men feel I I a feel assure you grattered and flat- 
 tified I mean, nattered and gratified being called on return 
 thanks I I a the ladies give a larm to chife I mean, 
 charm to life (applause) and a a grace by their table 
 this presence, I mean a a (applause), and joytened our 
 eye I mean, heighted our joy, to-night (applause), in their 
 name thanks honour." Mr. Verdant Green takes advantage 
 of the applause which follows these incoherent remarks, and 
 sits down, covered with confusion, but thankful that the 
 struggle is over. 
 
 More dancing follows. Our hero performs prodigies in the 
 valse a deux temps, and twirls about until he has not a leg left 
 to stand upon. The harp, the violin, and the cornet-a-piston, 
 from the county-town, play mechanically in their sleep, and 
 can only be roused by repeated applications of gin-and-water. 
 Carriages are ordered round : wraps are in requisition : the 
 mysterious rites under the white-berried bush are stealthily 
 repeated for the last time : the guests depart, as it were, in a 
 heap ; the Rectory party being the last to leave. The intel 
 ligent Mr. Mole, who has fuddled himself by an injudicious 
 mixture of the half-glasses of wine left on the supper-table, is 
 exasperated with the butler for not allowing him to assist in 
 putting away the silver ; and declares that he (the butler) is 
 "a hold himage," for which, he (the intelligent Mr. M.) r 
 " don't care a button! " and, as the epithet " image " appears 
 to wondrously offend the butler, Mr. Mole is removed from 
 further consequences by his intelligent wife, who is waiting to 
 conduct her lord and master home. 
 
 At length, the last light is out in the Manor- Green. 
 Mr. Yerdant Green is lying uncomfortably upon his back,, 
 and is waltzing through Dreamland with the blooming Patty 
 Honeywood. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE 87 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN ENJOYS A REAL CIGAR. 
 
 THE Christmas vacation passed rapidly away ; the Honey- 
 wood family returned to the far north; .and, once more, 
 Mr. Verdant Green found himself within the walls of Brazen- 
 face. He and Mr. Bouncer had together gone up to Oxford, 
 leaving Charles Larkyns behind to keep a grace-term. 
 
 Charles Larkyns had determined to take a good degree. For 
 some time past, he had been reading steadily ; and, though only 
 a few hours in each day may be given to books yet, when that 
 is done, with regularity and painstaking, a real and sensible 
 progress is made. He knew that he had good abilities, and he 
 had determined not to let them remain idle any longer, but to 
 make that use of them for which they were given to him. His 
 examination would come on during the next term ; and he 
 hoped to turn the interval to good account, and be able in the 
 end to take a respectable degree. He was destined for the 
 Bar ; and, as he had no wish to be a briefless Barrister, he knew 
 that college honours would be of great advantage to him in his 
 after career. He, at once, therefore, set bodily to work to read 
 up his subjects ; while his father assisted him in his labours, 
 and Mary Green smiled a kind approval. 
 
 Meanwhile, his friends, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Henry 
 Bouncer, were enjoying Oxford life, and disporting themselves 
 among the crowd of skaters in the Christ Church meadows. 
 And a very different scene did the meadows present to the time 
 when they had last skimmed over its surface. Then, the green 
 fields were covered with sailing-boats, out-riggers, and punts, 
 and Mr. Verdant Green had nearly come to an untimely end in 
 the waters. But now the scene was changed ! Jack Frost had 
 stepped in, and had seized the flood in his frozen fingers, and 
 had bound it up in an icy breast-plate. 
 
 And a capital place did the meadows make for any Under 
 graduate who was either a professed skater, or whose 
 skating education (as in the case of our hero) had been alto 
 gether neglected. For the water was only of a moderate 
 depth ; so that, in the event of the ice giving way, there was 
 nothing to fear beyond a slight and partial ducking. This was 
 
88 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 especially fortunate for Mr. Verdant Green, who, after having 
 experienced total submersion and a narrow escape from drown 
 ing on that very spot, would never have been induced to again 
 commit himself to the surface of the deep, had he not been 
 fully convinced that the deep had now subsided into a shallow. 
 "With his breast fortified by this resolution, he therefore fell a 
 victim to the syren tongue of Mr. Bouncer, when that gentle 
 man observed to him with sincere feeling, " Giglamps, old 
 fellow ! it would be a beastly shame, when there's such jolly ice, 
 if you did not learn to skate ; especially, as I can show you the 
 trick." 
 
 For, Mr. Bouncer was not only skilful with his hands and 
 arms, but could also perform feats with his feet. He could not 
 only dance quadrilles in dress boots in a ball-room, but he 
 could also go through the figures on the ice in a pair of skates. 
 He could do the outside edge at a more acute angle than the 
 generality of people ; he could cut figures of eight that were 
 worthy of Cocker himself, he could display spread-eagles that 
 would have astonished the Fellows of the Zoological Society. 
 He could skim over the thinnest ice in the most don't-care 
 way ; and, when at full speed, would stoop to pick up a stone. 
 He would take a hop-skip-and-a-jump ; and would vault over 
 walking-sticks, as easily as if he were on dry land, an accom 
 plishment which he had learnt of the Count Doembrownski, a 
 E/ussian gentleman, who, in his own country, lived chiefly on 
 skates, and, in this country, on pigeons, and whose short resi 
 dence in Oxford was suddenly brought to a full stop by the 
 arbitrary power of the Yice- Chancellor. So, Mr. Verdant 
 Green was persuaded to purchase, and put on a pair of skates, 
 and to make his first appearance as a skater in the Christ 
 Church meadows, under the auspices of Mr. Bouncer. 
 
 The sensation of first finding yourself in a pair of skates is 
 peculiar. It is not unlike the sensation which must have been 
 felt by the young bear, when he was dropped from his mamma's 
 mouth, and, for the first time, told to walk. The poor little bear 
 felt, that it was all very well to say " walk," but how was he 
 to do it ? Was he to walk with his right fore-leg only ? or, 
 with his left fore-leg ? or, with both his fore-legs ? or, was he 
 to walk with his right hind-leg ? or, with his left hind-leg ? or, 
 with both his hind-legs ? or, was he to make a combination of 
 hind and fore-legs, and walk with all four at once ? or, what 
 was he to do ? So he tried each of these ways ; and they all 
 failed. Poor little bear ! 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green felt very much in the little bear's 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE 
 
 condition. He was undecided whether to skate with his right 
 leg, or with his left leg, or 
 with both his legs. He 
 tried his right leg, and im 
 mediately it glided off at 
 
 right angles with his body, - ^=W^fjf F^ ^r 
 while his left leg performed / /JT^ ^3^& ^tSjfj i i , 1 1 ^ , 
 a similar and spontaneous 
 movement in the contrary 
 direction. Having captured 
 his left leg, he put it can- 3 
 tiously forwards, and im 
 mediately it twisted under 
 him, while his right leg 
 amused itself by describing 
 an altogether unnecessary 
 circle. Obtaining a brief 
 mastery over both legs, 
 he put them forwards at 
 the same moment, and 
 they fled from beneath 
 him, and he was flung bump ! on his back. Poor little bear ! 
 
 But, if it is hard to make a start in a pair of skates when 
 you are in a perpendicular position, how much is the difficulty 
 increased when your position has become a horizontal one! 
 You raise yourself on your knees, you assist yourself with 
 your hands, and, no sooner have you got one leg right, than 
 away slides the other, and down you go. It is like the move 
 ment in that scene with the pair of short stilts, in which the 
 French clowns are so amusing, and it is almost as difficult to 
 perform. Mr. Verdant Green soon found that though he might 
 be ambitious to excel in the polite accomplishment of skating, 
 yet that his ambition was destined to meet with many a fall. 
 But he persevered, and perseverance will achieve wonders, 
 especially when aided by the tuition of such an indefatigable 
 gentleman as Mr. Bouncer. 
 
 " You get on stunningly, Giglamps," said the little gentle 
 man, " and hav'nt been on your beam ends more than once a 
 minute. But I should advise you, old fellow, to get your sit- 
 upons seated with wash-leather, just like the eleventh hussars 
 do with their cherry-coloured pants. It '11 come cheaper in 
 the end, and may be productive of comfort. And now, after all 
 these exciting ups and downs, let us go and have a quiet hand 
 at billiards." So the two friends strolled up the High, where 
 
90 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF SIR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 they saw two Queensmen *' confessing their shame," as Mr. 
 Bouncer phrased it, by standing under the gateway of their 
 college ; and went on to Bickerton's, where they found all the 
 tables occupied, and Jonathan playing a match with Mr. 
 Fluke of Christchurch. So, after watching the celebrated 
 marker long enough to inspire them with a desire to accom 
 plish similar feats of dexterity, they continued their walk to 
 Broad Street, and, turning up a yard opposite to the Clarendon, 
 found that Betteris had an upstair room at liberty. Here they 
 accomplished several pleasing mathematical problems with the 
 
 balls, and contributed their modicum towards the smoking of 
 the ceiling of the room. 
 
 Since Mr. Verdant Green had acquired the art of getting 
 through a cigar without making himself ill, he had looked upon 
 himself as a genuine smoker; and had, from time to time, 
 bragged of his powers as regarded the fumigation of " the herb 
 Nicotiana, commonly called tobacco," (as the Oxford statute 
 tersely says). This was an amiable weakness on his part that 
 had not escaped the observant eye of Mr. Bouncer, who had 
 frequently taken occasion, in the presence of his friends, to 
 defer to Mr. Yerdant Green's judgment in the matter ot 
 cigars. The train of adulation being thus laid, an opportunity 
 was only needed to fire it. It soon came. 
 
 " Once upon a time," as the story-books say, it chanced that 
 Mr. Bouncer was consuming his minutes hd cigars at his 
 tobacconist's, when his eye lighted for the thousandth time on 
 the roll of cabbage-leaves, brown paper, and refuse tobacco, 
 
AN OXFOKD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 91 
 
 iift 
 
 which being done up into the form of a monster cigar (a foot 
 long, and of proportionate thickness), was hung in the shop- 
 window, and did duty as a truthful token of the commodity 
 vended within. Mr. 
 Bouncer had looked at 
 this implement nine 
 hundred and ninety 
 nine times, without its 
 suggesting anything 
 else to his mind, than 
 its being of the same 
 class of art as the 
 monster mis-represen 
 tations outside wild- 
 beast shows ; but he 
 now gazed upon it 
 with new sensations. 
 In short, Mr. Bouncer 
 took such a fancy to 
 the thing, that he pur 
 chased it, and took it 
 off to his rooms, though he did not mention this fact to his 
 friend, Mr. Verdant Green, when he saw him soon after 
 wards, and spoke to him of his excellent judgment in tobacco. 
 
 " A taste for smoke comes natural, Giglamps ! " said Mr. 
 Bouncer. " It 's what you call a nascitur nonfit; and, if you 
 haven't the gift, why you can't purchase it. Now, you 're a 
 judge of smoke ; it 's a gift with you, don't you see ; and you 
 could no more help knowing a good weed from a bad one, than 
 you could help waggling your tail if you were a baa-lamb." 
 
 Mr. Yerdant Green bowed, and blushed, in acknowledgment 
 of this delightful flattery. 
 
 " Now, there 's old Footelights, you know ; he 's got an uncle, 
 who 's a governor, or some great swell, out in Barbadoes. "Well, 
 every now and then the old trump sends Footelights no end of a 
 box of weeds; not common ones, you understand, but regular tip- 
 toppers ; but they 're quite thrown away on poor Footelights, 
 who 'd think as much of cabbage-leaves as he would of real Havan- 
 nahs, so he's always obliged to ask somebody else's opinion about 
 them. "Well, he 's got a sample of a weed of a most terrific kind : 
 Magnifico Pomposois the name ; no end uncommon, and at 
 least a foot long. ^Ve don't meet with 'em in England because 
 they're too expensive to import. "Well, it would'nt do to 
 throw away such a weed as this on any one ; so, Footelights 
 
92 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 wants to have the opinion of a man who 's really a judge of 
 what a good weed is. I refused, because my taste has been 
 rather out of order lately ; and Billy Blades is in training foi 
 Henley, so he 's obliged to decline ; so I told him of you, 
 Giglamps, and said, that if there was a man in Brazenface that 
 could tell him what his Magnificp Pomposo was worth, that 
 man was Yerdant Green. Don't 'blush, old feller! you can't 
 help having a fine judgment, you know ; so don't be ashamed 
 of it. Now, you must wine with me this evening; Footelights 
 and some more men are coming ; and we 're all anxious to hear 
 your opinion about these new weeds, because, if it 's favour 
 able we can club together, and import a box." Mr. Bouncer's 
 victim, being perfectly unconscious of the trap laid for him, 
 promised to come to the wine, and give his opinion on this 
 weed of fabled size and merit. 
 
 When the evening and company had come, he was rather 
 staggered at beholding the dimensions of the pseudo-cigar ; 
 but, rashly judging that to express surprise would be to betray 
 ignorance, Mr. Verdant Green inspected the formidable 
 monster with the air of a connoisseur, and smelt, pinched, and 
 rolled his tongue round it, after the manner of the best critics. 
 If this was a diverting spectacle to the assembled guests of Mr. 
 
 Bouncer, how must the 
 humour of the scene have 
 been increased, when our 
 hero, with great difficulty, 
 lighted the cigar, and, with 
 still greater difficulty, held 
 it in his mouth, and endea 
 voured to smoke it! As 
 Mr. Foote afterwards ob 
 served, " it was a situation 
 for a screaming farce." 
 
 " It doesn't draw well ! " 
 faltered the victim, as the 
 bundle of rubbish went out 
 for the fourth time. 
 " Why, that 's always the case with the Barbadoes baccy ! " 
 said Mr. Bouncer ; " it takes a long pull, and a strong pull, 
 and a pull all together to get it to make a start ; but when 
 once it does go, it goes beautiful like a house a-fire. But 
 you can't expect it to be like a common threepenny weed. 
 "Here ! let me light him for you, Giglamps ; I '11 give the 
 beggar a dig in his ribs, as a gentle persuader." Mr. Bouncer 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE 93 
 
 thereupon poked his pen-knife through the rubbish, and after 
 a time induced it to "draw; " and Mr. Verdant Green pulled 
 at it furiously, and made his eyes water with the unusual cloud 
 of smoke that he raised. 
 
 "And now, what d'ye think of it, my beauty?" inquired 
 Mr. Bouncer. " It 's something out of the common, ain't it ? " 
 
 " It has a beautiful ash ! " observed Mr. Smalls. 
 
 " And diffuses an aroma that makes me long to defy the 
 trainer, and smoke one like it ! " said Mr. Blades. 
 
 " So pray give me your reading at least, your opinion, on 
 my Magniflco Pomposo ! " asked Mr. Foote. 
 
 " Well," answered Mr. Verdant Green, slowly turning very 
 pale as he spoke, " at first, I thought it was be-yew-tiful 
 but, altogether, I think that the Barbadoes tobacco 
 doesn't quite agree with my stom " the speaker abruptly 
 concluded by dropping the cigar, putting his handkerchief to 
 his mouth, and rushing into Mr. Bouncer's bed-room. The 
 Magnifico Pomposo had been too much for him, and had 
 produced sensations accurately interpreted by Mr. Bouncer, 
 who forthwith represented in expressive pantomine, the actions 
 of a distressed voyager, when he feebly murmurs " Steward ! " 
 
 To atone for the " chaffing" which he had been the means 
 of inflicting on his friend, the little gentleman, a few days 
 afterwards, proposed to take our hero to the Chipping Norton 
 Steeple-chase, Mr. Smalls and Mr. Fosbrooke making up the 
 quartet for a tandem. It was on their return from the races, 
 
 that, after having stopped at The Rear at Woodstock, " to wash 
 out the horses' mouths," and having done this so effectually 
 
94 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 that the horses had appeared to have no mouths left, and had 
 refused to answer the reins, and had smashed the cart against 
 a house, which had seemed to have danced into the middle of 
 the road for their diversion, and, after having put back to 
 The Sear, and prevailed upon that animal to lend them a non 
 descript vehicle of the "pre-adamite buggy " species, described 
 by Sidney Smith, that, much time having been consumed by 
 the progress of this chapter of accidents, they did not reach 
 Peyman's Gate until a late hour; and Mr. Verdant Green 
 found that he was once more in difficulties. For they had no 
 sooner got through the gate, than the wild octaves from Mr. 
 Bouncer's post-horn were suddenly brought to a full stop, and 
 Mr. Fosbrooke, who was the " waggoner," was brought to 
 Woh ! and was compelled to pull up in obedience to the 
 command of the proctor, who, as on a previous occasion, 
 suddenly appeared from behind the toll-house, in company with 
 his marshall and bull-dogs. 
 
 The Sentence pronounced on our hero the next day, was, 
 " Sir ! You will translate all your lectures ; have your name 
 crossed on the buttery and kitchen books ; and be confined to 
 chapel, hall, and college." 
 
 This sentence was chiefly annoying, inasmuch as it somewhat 
 interfered with the duties and pleasures attendant upon his 
 boating practice. For, wonderful to relate, Mr. Verdant 
 Green had so much improved in the science, that he was now 
 " Number 3 " of his college " Torpid," and was in hard 
 training. The Torpid races commenced on March 10th, and 
 were continued on the following days. Our hero sent his 
 father a copy of " Tintinnabulum's Life" which after in 
 forming the Manor Green family that " the boats took up 
 positions in the following order : " Brazenose, Exeter 1, 
 Wadham, Baliol, St. John's, Pembroke, University, Oriel, 
 Brazenface, Christ Church 1, Worcester, Jesus, Queen's, 
 Christ Church 2, Exeter 2 " proceeded to enter into par 
 ticulars of each day's sport, of which it is only necessary to 
 record such as gave interest to our hero's family. 
 
 " First day. * * * Brazenface refused to acknowledge the 
 bump by Christ Church (1) before they came to the Cherwell. 
 There is very little doubt but that they were bumped at the 
 Gut and the Willows. * * * 
 
 " Second day. * * * Brazenface rowed pluckily away from 
 Worcester. * * * 
 
 " Third day. * * * A splendid rape between Brazenface 
 and Worcester ; and, at the flag, the latter were within a foot 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 95 
 
 they did not, however, succeed in bumping. The cheering 
 from the Brazenface barge was vociferous. ' 
 
 "Fourth day. * * * Worcester was more fortunate, 
 and succeeded in making the bump at the Cherwell, in conse 
 quence of No. 3 of the Brazenface boat fainting from fatigue.'* 
 
 Under " No. 3 " Mr. Verdant Green had drawn a pencil 
 line, and had written " V. Gr." He shortly after related to 
 his family the gloomy particulars of the bump, when he 
 returned home for the Easter vacation. 
 
 CHAPTEE XI. 
 
 MB. VERDANT GREEN GETS THROUGH HIS SMALLS 
 
 DESPITE the hindrance which the grande passion is supposed, 
 to bring to the student, Charles Larkyns had made very good 
 use of the opportunities aiforded him by the leisure of his 
 grace-term. Indeed, as he himself observed, 
 
 " Who hath not owned, with rapture-smitten frame, 
 The power of grace ?" 
 
 And as he felt that the hours of his grace-term had not been 
 wasted in idleness, but had been turned to profitable account, 
 it is not at all unlikely that his pleasures of hope regarding his 
 Degree-examination, and the position his name would occupy 
 in the Class-list, were of a roseate hue. He therefore, when 
 the Easter vacation had come to an end, returned to Oxford in 
 high spirits, with our hero and his friend Mr. Bouncer, who, 
 after a brief visit to "the Mum," had passed the remainder 
 of the vacation at the Manor Green. During these few 
 holiday weeks, Charles Larkyns had acted as private tutor to 
 his two friends, and had, in the language of Mr. Bouncer, 
 " put them through their paces uncommon ; " for the little 
 gentleman was going in for his Degree, alias Great-go, alias 
 Greats ; and our hero for his first examination in liter is 
 Jmmanioribus, alias Eesponsions, alias Little-go, alias Smalls. 
 Thus the friends returned to Oxford mutually benefited ; 
 but, as the time for examination drew nearer and still nearer, 
 the fears of Mr. Bouncer rose in a gradation of terrors, that 
 threatened to culminate in an actual panic. 
 
 " You see," said the little gentleman, " the Mum's set her 
 heart on my getting through, and I must read like the doose. 
 
96 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 And I havn't got the head, you see, for Latin and Greek ; and 
 that beastly Euclid altogether stumps me ; and I feel as 
 though I should come to grief. I'm blowed," the little 
 gentleman would cry, earnestly and sadly, " I'm blow'd if I 
 don't think they must have given me too much pap when I 
 was a babby, and softened my brains ! or else, why can't I 
 walk into these classical parties just as easy as you, Charley, 
 or old Giglamps there ? But I can't, you see : my brains are 
 addled. They say it ain't a bad thing for reading to get your 
 head shaved. It cools your brains, and gives full play to what 
 you call your intellectual faculties. I think I shall try the 
 dodge, and get a gent's real head of hair, till after the exam. ; 
 and then, when I've stumped the examiners, I can wear iny 
 own luxuriant locks again." 
 
 And, as Mr. Bouncer professed, so did he ; and, not many 
 days after, astonished his friends and the University generally 
 by appearing in a wig of curly black hair. It was a pleasing 
 sight to see the little gentleman with a scalp like a billiard 
 
 ball, a pipe in his mouth, and the wig mounted on a block, 
 with books spread before him, endeavouring to persuade 
 himself that he was working up his subjects. It was still 
 more pleasing to view him, in moments of hilarity, divest 
 himself of his wig, and hurl it at the scout, or any other 
 offensive object that appeared before him. And it was a sight 
 not to be forgotten by the beholders, when, after too recklessly 
 partaking of an indiscriminate mixture of egg-flip, sangaree, 
 and cider-cup, he feebly threw his wig at the spectacles of 
 Mr. Yerdant Green, and, overbalanced by the exertion, fell 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 97 
 
 back into the coal-scuttle, where he lay, bald-headed aiid hel pleas, 
 laughing and weeping by turns, and caressed by Huz and Buz. 
 
 But the shaving of his head was not the only feature (or. 
 rather, loss of feature) that distinguished Mr. Bouncer'^ 
 reading for his degree. The gentleman with the limited 
 knowledge of the cornet-a-piston, who had the rooms imme 
 diately beneath those of our hero and his friend, had made 
 such slow progress in his musical education, that he had even 
 now scarcely got into his " Cottage near a Wood." This gentle 
 man was Mr. Bouncer's Frankenstein. He was always rising 
 up when he was not wanted. When Mr. Bouncer felt as if 
 he could read, and sat down to his books, wigless and deter 
 mined, the doleful legend of the cottage near a wood was 
 forced upon him in an unpleasingly obtrusive and distracting 
 manner. It was in vain that Mr. Bouncer sounded his 
 octaves in all their discordant variations ; the gentleman had 
 no ear, and was not to be put out of his cottage on any 
 terms : Mr. Bouncer's notices of ejectment were always dis 
 regarded. He had hoped that the ears of Mr. Slowcoach 
 (whose rooms were in the angle of the Quad) would have 
 been pierced by the noise, and that he would have put a cop 
 to the nuisance ; but, either from its being too customary a 
 custom, or that the ears of Mr. Slowcoach had grown callous, 
 the nuisance was suffered to continue unreproved. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer resolved, therefore, on some desperate method 
 of calling attention to one nuisance, by creating another of a 
 louder description ; and, as his octaves appeared to fail in this, 
 notwithstanding the energy and annoying ability that he 
 threw into them, he conceived the idea of setting up a drum ! 
 The plan was no sooner thought of than carried out. He met 
 with an instrument sufficiently large and formidable for his 
 purpose, hired it, and had it stealthily conveyed into college 
 (like another Falstaff) in a linen " buck-basket." He waited 
 his opportunity ; and, the next time that the gentleman in the 
 rooms beneath took his cornet to his cottage near a wood, Mr. 
 Bouncer, stationed on the landing above, played a thundering 
 accompaniment on his big drum. 
 
 The echoes from the tightened parchment rolled round the 
 Quad, and brought to the spot a rush of curious and excited 
 undergraduates. Mr. Bouncer, after taking off his wig in 
 nonour of the air, then treated them to the National Anthem, 
 arranged aa a drum solo for two sticks, the chorus being 
 sustained by the voices of those present ; when in the midst of" 
 the entertainment, the reproachful features of Mr. SlowcoacU 
 
TUB FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 appeared upon the scene. 
 
 Sternly the tutor demanded the rea 
 son of the strange hubbub- r 
 and was answered by Mr. 
 Bouncer, that, as one gen 
 tleman was allowed to play 
 his favourite instrument 
 whenever he chose, for his 
 own but no one else's gra 
 tification, he could not see 
 why he (Mr. Bouncer) 
 might not also, whenever 
 he pleased, play for his 
 own gratification his fa 
 vourite instrument the 
 big drum. This specious 
 excuse, although logical, 
 was not altogether satis 
 factory to Mr. Slowcoach; 
 and, with some asperity, 
 he ordered Mr. Bouncer 
 never again to indulge 
 in, what he termed (in reference probably to the little gentle 
 man's bald head), " such an indecent exhibition." But, as he 
 further ordered that the cornet-a-piston gentleman was to 
 instrumentally enter into his cottage near a wood, only at 
 stated hours in the afternoon, Mr. Bouncer had gained his 
 point in putting a stop to the nuisance so far as it interfered, 
 with his reading ; and, thenceforth, he might be seen on brief 
 occasions persuading himself that he was furiously reading 
 and getting up his subjects by the aid of those royal roads to 
 knowledge, variously known as cribs, crams, plugs, abstracts. 
 analyses, or epitomes. 
 
 But, besides the assistance thus afforded to him out of 
 the schools, Mr. Bouncer, like many others, idle as well as 
 ignorant, intended to assist himself when in the schools by any 
 contrivance that his ingenuity could suggest, or his audacity 
 carry out. 
 
 "It's quite fair," was the little gentleman's argument, "to 
 do the examiners in any way that you can, as long as you only 
 go in for a pass. Of course, if you were going in for a class, 
 or a scholarship, or anything of that sort, it would be no end 
 mean and dirty to crib ; and the gent that did it ought to be 
 kicked out of the society of gentlemen. But when you only go 
 in for a pass, and ain't doing any one any harm by a little bit 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 99 
 
 of cribbing, but choose to run the risk to save yourself the 
 bother of being ploughed, why then, I think, a feller's bound 
 to do what he can for himself. And, you see, in my case, 
 Giglamps, there's the Mum to be considered ; she'd cut up 
 doosid, if I didn't get through ; so I must crib a bit, if it's only 
 for Tier sake." 
 
 But although the little gentleman thus made filial tenderness 
 the excuse for his deceit, and the salve for his conscience, yet 
 he could neither persuade Mr. Verdant Green to follow his 
 example, nor to be a convert to his opinions ; nor would he be 
 persuaded by our hero to relinquish his designs. 
 
 " Why, look here, Giglamps ! " Mr. Bouncer would say ; 
 " how can I relinquish them, after having had all this trouble ? 
 I'll put you up to a few of my dodges free, gratis, for 
 nothing. In the first place, Giglamps, you see here's a small 
 circular bit of paper, covered with Peloponnesian and Punic 
 wars, and no end of dates, written small and short, you see, 
 but quite legible, with the chief things done in red ink. 
 Well, this gentleman goes in the front of my watch, under the 
 glass ; and, when I get stumped for a date, out comes the 
 watch ; I look at the time of day you understand, and clowa 
 goes the date. Here's another dodge ! " added the little gen* 
 tleman who might well have been called "the Artful 
 Dodger" as he produced a shirt from a drawer. " Look here, 
 at the wristbands ! Here are all the Kings of Israel and Judah, 
 with their dates and prophets, written down in India-ink, so as 
 to wash out again. You twitch up the cuff of your coat, quite 
 accidentally, and then you book your king. You see, Giglamps, 
 I don't like to trust, as some fellows do, to having what you 
 want, written down small and shoved into a quill, and passed to 
 you by some man sitting in the schools ; that's dangerous, don't 
 you see. And I don't like to hold cards in my hand ; I've 
 improved on that, and invented a first-rate dodge of my own, 
 that I intend to take out a patent for. Like all truly great 
 inventions, it's no end simple. In the first place, look straight 
 afore you, my little dear, and you will see this pack of cards, 
 all made of a size, nice to hold in the palm of your hand ; 
 they're about all sorts of rum things, everything that I want. 
 And you see that each beggar's got a hole drilled in him. 
 And you see, here's a longish string with a little bit of hooked 
 wire at the end, made so that I can easily hang the card on it. 
 AYell, I pass the string up my coat sleeve, and down under my 
 waistcoat ; and here, you see, I've got the wire end in the 
 palm of my .hand. Then, I slip out the card I want, and hook 
 
 H 2 
 
100 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF Mil. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 it on to the wire, so that I can have it just before me as 
 I write. Then, if any of the examiners look suspicious, or 
 
 if one of them comes round to spy, I just pull the bit ot 
 string that hangs under the bottom of my waistcoat, and 
 away flies the card up my coat sleeve ; and when the 
 examiner comes round, he sees that my hand's never moved, 
 and that there's nothing in it ! So he walks off satisfied ; and 
 then I shake the little beggar out of my sleeve again, and 
 the same game goes on as before. And when the string's 
 tight, even straightening your body is quite sufficient to 
 hoist the card into your sleeve, without moving either of your 
 hands. I've got an Examination- coat made on purpose, with 
 a heap of pockets, in which I can stow my cards in regular 
 order. These three pockets," said Mr. Bouncer, as he 
 produced the coat, ' are entirely for Euclid. Here's each 
 problem written right out on a card ; they're laid regularly in 
 order, and I turn them over in my pocket, till I get hold 
 of the one I want, and then I take it out, and work it. So 
 you see, Giglamps, I'm safe to get through ! it's impossible for 
 them to plough me, with all these contrivances. That's a con- 
 eolation for a cove in distress, ain't it, old feller ? " 
 
 Both our hero and Charles Larkyns endeavoured to persuade 
 Mr. Bouncer that his conduct would, at the very least, be fool 
 hardy, and that he had much better throw his pack of cards into 
 the fire, wash the Kings of Israel and Judah off his shirt, 
 destroy his strings and hooked wires, and keep his Examination- 
 coat for a shooting one. But all their arguments were in vain 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. JOl 
 
 and the infatuated little gentleman, like a deaf adder, shut his 
 ears at the voice of the charmer. 
 
 What between theCowley cricketings, and the Isis boatings, 
 Mr. Verdant Green only read by spasmodic fits ; but, as he 
 was very fairly up in his subjects thanks to Charles Larkyns 
 and the Rector and as the Little-go was not such a very for 
 midable affair, or demanded a scholar of first-rate calibre, the 
 only terrors that the examination could bring him were those 
 which were begotten of nervousness. At length the lists 
 were out ; and our hero read among the names of candidates, 
 
 that of 
 
 " G-EEEK, Verdant, e Coll. J&n. Fac." 
 
 There is a peculiar sensation on first seeing your name in 
 print. Instances are on record where people have taken a 
 world of trouble merely that they may have the pleasure of 
 perusing their names " among the fashionables present " at the 
 Countess of So-and-so's evening-reception; and cases are not 
 wanting where young ladies and gentlemen have expended no 
 small amount of pocket-money in purchasing copies of The 
 Times (no reduction, too, being made on taking a quantity ! ) 
 in order that their sympathising friends might have the pride of 
 seeing their names as coming out at drawing-rooms and levees. 
 When a young M.P. has stammered out his coup-d 'essai in the 
 House, he views, with mingled emotions, his name given to the 
 world, for the first time, in capital letters. When young 
 authors and artists first see their names in print, is it not a 
 pleasure to them ? W hen Ensign Dash sees himself gazetted, 
 does he not look on his name with a peculiar sensation, and 
 forthwith send an impression of the paper to Master Jones, who 
 was flogged with him last week for stealing apples ? When 
 Mr. Smith is called to the Bar, and Mr. Robinson can durb 
 himself M. R. C. S., do they not behold their names in print 
 with feelings of rapture ? And when Miss Brown has been 
 to her first ball, does she not anxiously await the coming of the 
 next county newspaper, in order to have the happiness of 
 reading her'name there ? 
 
 But, different to these are the sensations that attend the 
 seeing your name first in print in a College examination-list. 
 They are, probably, somewhat similar to the sensations you 
 would feel on seeing your name in a death-warrant. Your 
 blood runs hot, then cold, then hot again ; your pulse goes at 
 fever pace ; the throbbing arteries of your brow almost jerk 
 your cap off. You know that the worst is come, that the law 
 of the I)ons, which alterethnot, has fixed your name there, r,rul 
 
102 THE FU11THEK ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GBEEN, 
 
 that there is no escape. The courage of despair then takes 
 possession of your soul, and nerves you for the worst. You 
 Join the crowd of nervous fellow-sufferers who are thronging 
 
 round the buttery- door to examine the list, and you begin with 
 them calmly to parcel out the names by sixes and eights, 
 and then to arrive at an opinion when your day of execution 
 will be. If your name comes at the head of the list, you wish 
 that you were "TotrKG, Carolus, e Coll. Vigor n" that you 
 might have a reprieve of your sentence. If your name is at 
 the end of the list, you wish that you were " ADAMS, Edvardus 
 Jacobus, e Coll. Univ" that you might go in at once, and be 
 put out of your misery. If your name is in the middle of the 
 list, you wish that it were elsewhere : and then you wish that 
 it were out of the list altogether. 
 
 Through these varying shades of emotion did Mr. Verdant 
 Green pass, until at length they were all lost in the deeper 
 gloom of actual entrance into the schools. When once there, 
 his fright soon passed away. Re-assured by the kindly voice of 
 the examiner, telling him to read over his Greek before con 
 struing it, our hero recovered his equanimity, and got through 
 his viva voce with flying colours ; and, on glancing over his 
 paper-work, soon saw that the questions were within his scope, 
 and that he could answer most of them. Without hazarding 
 nis success by making " bad shots," he contented himself by 
 answering those questions only on which he felt sure ; and, 
 when his examination was over, he left the schools with a 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 103 
 
 pretty safe conviction that he was safe, " and was well through 
 his smalls." 
 
 JBe could not but help, however, feeling some anxiety on the 
 subject, until he was relieved from all further fears, by the 
 arrival of Messrs. Fosbrooke, Smalls, and Blades, with a slip 
 of paper (not unlike those which Mr. Levi, the sheriff's officer, 
 makes use of), on which was written and printed as follows : 
 
 "GREEN, VERDANT, & COLL. JSw. FAC. 
 Qusestionibua Magistrorum Scholarum in Parviso pro forma respondit. 
 
 Junii 7, 18-." 
 
 Alas for Mr. Bouncer ! Though he had put in practice all 
 the ingenious plans which were without a doubt to ensure his 
 success ; and though he had worked his cribs with consummate 
 coolness, and had not been discovered ; yet, nevertheless, his 
 friends came to him empty-handed. The infatuated little gen 
 tleman had either trusted too much to his own astuteness, or 
 else he had over-reached himself, and had used his card-know 
 ledge in wrong places ; or, perhaps, the examiners may have 
 suspected his deeds from the nature of his papers, and may 
 have refused to pass him. But whatever might be the cause, 
 the little gentleman had to defer taking his degree for some 
 months at least. In a word and a dreadful word it is to all 
 undergraduates Mr. Bouncer was PLUCKED ! He bore his 
 unexpected reverse of fortune very philosophically, and pro 
 fessed to regret it only for " the Mum's " sake ; but he seemed 
 to feel that the Dons of his college would look shy upon him, 
 and he expressed his opinion that it would be better for him to 
 migrate to the Tavern.* 
 
 But, while Mr. Bouncer was thus deservedly punished for 
 his idleness and duplicity, Charles Larkyns was rewarded for all 
 his toil. He did even better than he had expected : for, not 
 only did his name appear in the second class, but the following 
 extra news concerning him was published in the daily 
 papers, under the very appropriate heading of " University 
 Intelligence" 
 
 " OXFORD, June 9. The Chancellor's prizes have been awarded an 
 follows : 
 
 _ " Latin Essay, Charles Larkyns, Commoner of Brazenface. The New 
 digate Prize for English Verse was also awarded to the same gentleman.'" 
 
 * A name given to New Inn Hall, not only from its title, " New 
 Inn," but also because the buttery is open all day, and the members of 
 the Hall can call for what they please at any hour, the same as in a 
 tavern. 
 
104 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 His writing for the prize poem had been a secret. He had 
 conceived the idea of doing so when the subject had been 
 given out in the previous " long :" he had worked at the subject 
 privately, and, when the day (April 1) on which the poems had 
 to be sent in, had come, he had watched his opportunity, 
 and secretly dropped through the wired slit in the door of 
 the registrar's office at the Clarendon, a manuscript poein, 
 distinguished by the motto : 
 
 " Oh for the touch of a vanish'd hand 
 And the sound of a voice that is still.** 
 
 We may be quite sure that there was great rejoicing at the 
 Manor Green and the Eectory, when the news arrived of the 
 success of Charles Larkyns and Mr. Verdant Green. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN AND HIS FRIENDS ENJOY THE 
 COMMEMORATION. 
 
 THE Commemoration had come ; and, among the people who 
 were drawn to the sight from all parts of the country, the 
 Warwickshire coach landed in Oxford our friends Mr. Green, 
 his two eldest daughters, and the Hector for all of whom 
 Charles Larkyns had secured very comfortable lodgings in 
 Oriel Street. 
 
 The weather was of the finest ; and the beautiful city of col 
 leges looked at its best. While the Rector met with old friends, 
 and heard his son's praises, and renewed his acquaintance with 
 his old haunts of study, Mr. Green again lionised Oxford 
 in a much more comfortable and satisfactory manner than he 
 had previously done at the heels of a professional guide. As 
 for the young ladies, they were charmed with everything ; for 
 they had never before been in an University town, and all 
 things had the fascination of novelty. Great were the luncheons 
 held in Mr. Verdant Green's and Charles Larkyns' rooms; 
 musical was the laughter that floated merrily through the grave 
 old quads of Brazenface ; happy were the two hearts that held 
 converse with each other in those cool cloisters and shady 
 gardens. How a few flounces and bright girlish smiles can 
 change the aspect of the sternest homes of knowledge ! How 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE 105 
 
 sunlight can be brought into the gloomiest nooks of learning 
 by the beams that irradiate happy girlish faces, where the light 
 of love and truth shines out clear and joyous ! How the 
 appearance of the Commemoration week is influenced in a way 
 thus described by one of Oxonia's poets : 
 
 " Peace ! for in the gay procession brighter forms are borne along 
 Fairer scholars, pleasure-beaming, float amid the classic throng. 
 Blither laughter's ringing music fills the haunts of men awhile, 
 And the sternest priests of knowledge blush beneath a maiden's smile. 
 Maidens teach a softer science laughing Love his pinions dips, 
 Hush'd to hear fantastic whispers murmur'd from a pedant's lips. 
 Oh, believe it, throbbing pulses flutter under folds of starch, 
 And the Dons are human-hearted if the ladies' smiles be arch. 1 ' 
 
 Thanks to the influence of Charles Larkyns and his father, 
 the party were enabled to see all that was to be seen during 
 the Commemoration week. On the Saturday night they went 
 to the amateur concert at the Town Hall, in aid of which, 
 strange to say, Mr. Bouncer's proffer of his big drum had been 
 declined. On the Sunday they went, in the morning, to St. 
 Mary's to hear the Bampton lecture ; and, in the afternoon, to 
 the magnificent choral service at New College. In the evening 
 they attended the customary " Show Sunday" promenade in 
 
 Christ Church Broad "Walk, where, under the delicious cool of 
 the luxuriant foliage, they met all the rank, beauty, and fashion 
 that were assembled in Oxford ; and where, until Tom " tolled 
 
106 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEK 1 , 
 
 fche hour for retiring," they threaded their way amid a 
 miscellaneous crowd of Dons and Doctors, and Tufts and 
 Heads of Houses, 
 
 With prudes for Proctors, dowagers for Deans, 
 And bright girl-graduates with their golden hair. 
 
 On the Monday they had a party to "Woodstock and Blenheim; 
 and in the evening went, on the Brazenface barge, to see 
 the procession of boats, where the Misses Green had the 
 satisfaction to see their brother pulling in one of the fifteen 
 torpids that followed immediately in the wake of the other boats. 
 They concluded the evening's entertainments in a most satisfac 
 tory manner, by going to the ball at the Town Hall. 
 
 Indeed, the way the two young ladies worked was worthy of 
 all credit, and proved them to be possessed of the most vigorous 
 constitutions ; for, although they danced till an early hour in 
 the morning, they not only, on the next day, went to the 
 anniversary sermon for the Radcliffe, and after that to the 
 horticultural show in the Botanical Gardens, and after that 
 
 to the concert in the 
 Sheldonian Theatre, but 
 as though they had 
 not had enough, to 
 fatigue them already 
 they must, forsooth 
 Brazenface being one 
 of the ball-giving col 
 leges wind up the 
 night by accepting the 
 polite invitation of Mr. 
 Yerdant Green and 
 Mr. Charles Larkyna 
 to a ball given in their 
 college hall. And how 
 many polkas these 
 young ladies danced, and 
 how many waltzes they waltzed, and how many ices they con 
 sumed, and how many too susceptible partners they drove to the 
 verge of desperation, it would be improper, if not impossible, 
 to say. 
 
 But, however much they might have been fagged by their 
 exertions of feet and features, it is certain that, by ten of the 
 clock the next morning, they appeared, quite fresh an4 
 charming to the view, ,in the ladies' gallery in the theatre. 
 There after the proceedings had been opened by the under* 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 graduates in their peculiar way, and by the vice-chancellor in 
 his peculiar way and, after the degrees had been conferred, 
 and the public orator had delivered an oration in a tongue 
 not uiiderstandejd of the people, our friends from Warwickshire 
 had the delight of beholding Mr. Charles Larkyns ascend the 
 
 rostrums to deliver, in their proper order, the Latin Essay and 
 the English Verse. He had chosen his friend Verdant to be his 
 prompter ; so that the well-known " gig-lamps" of our hero 
 lurmed, as it were, a very focus of attraction : but it was 
 well for Mr. Charles Larkyns that he was possessed of self- 
 control and a good memory, for Mr. "V erdant Green was far too 
 nervous to have prompted him in any efficient manner. We 
 may be sure, that in all that bevy of fair women, atk.-ist one 
 pair of bright eyes kindled with rapture, and one heart bent 
 with exulting joy, when the deafening cheers that followed the 
 poet's description of the moon, the sea, and woman's love (the 
 three ingredients which are apparently necessary for the 
 sweetening of all prize poems), rang through the theatre and 
 made its walls re-echo to the shouting. And we may be sure 
 
108 THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 that, when it was all over, and when the Commemoration had 
 come to an end, Charles Larkyns felt re warded for all his hours of 
 labour by the deep love garnered up in his heart by the trustful 
 
 affection of one who had become as dear to him as life itself ! 
 ******* 
 
 It was one morning after they had all returned to the Manor 
 Green that our hero said to his friend, " How I do wish that 
 this day week were come !" 
 
 " I dare say you do," replied the friend ; " and I dare say that 
 the pretty Patty is wishing the same wish." Upon which Mr. 
 Verdant Green not only laughed but blushed ! 
 
 Eor it seemed that he, together with his sisters, Mr. Charles 
 Larkyns, and Mr. Bouncer, were about to pay a long-vacation 
 visit to Honeywood Hall, in the county of Northumberland ; 
 and the young man was naturally looking forward to it with 
 all the ardour of a first and consuming passion. 
 
 THIS 
 
THE ADVENTURES 
 
 OF 
 
 ME. YERDANT GREEK 
 
 PAET III. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 MB. VERDANT GREEN TRAVELS NORTH. 
 
 ULY: fierce and burning! 
 A day to tinge the 
 green corn \vith a golden, 
 hue. A day to scorch 
 grass into hay between 
 sunrise and sunset. A 
 day in which to rejoice 
 in the cool thick masses 
 of trees, and to lie on 
 one's back under their 
 canopy, and look dream 
 ily up, through its rents, 
 at the peep of hot, cloudless, blue sky. A day to sit on shady 
 banks upon yielding cushions of moss and heather, from whence 
 you gaze on bright flowers blazing in the blazing sun, and 
 rest your eyes again upon your book to find the lines swim 
 ming in a radiance of mingled green and red. A day that fills 
 you with amphibious feelings, and makes you desire to be even 
 a dog, that you might bathe and paddle and swim in every road 
 side brook and pond, without the exertion of dressing and un 
 dressing, and yet with propriety. A day that sends you out by 
 willow-hung streams, to fish, as an excuse for idleness. A day 
 
2 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 that drives you dinnerless from smoking joints, and plunges you 
 thirstfully into /barrels of beer. A day that induces apathetic 
 listlessness and total prostration of energy, even under the aggra 
 vating warfare of gnats and wasps. A day that engenders pity 
 for the ranks of ruddy haymakers, hotly marching on under the 
 merciless glare of the noonday sun. A day when the very air, 
 steaming up from the earth, seems to palpitate with the heat. A 
 day when Society has left its cool and pleasant country-house, 
 and finds itself baked and burnt up in town, condemned to ovens 
 of operas, and fiery furnaces of levees and drawing-rooms. A 
 day when even ice is warm, and perspiring visitors to the Zoolo 
 gical Gardens envy the hippopotamus living in his bath. A day 
 when a hot, frizzling, sweltering smell ascends from the ground, 
 as though it was the earth's great ironing day. And above all 
 a day that converts a railway traveller into a martyr, and a 
 first-class carriage into a moving representation of the Black 
 Hole of Calcutta. 
 
 So thought Mr. Verdant Green, as he was whirled onward to 
 the far north, in company with his three sisters, Miss Bouncer, 
 and Mr. Charles Larkyns. Being six in number, they formed a 
 snug (and hot) family party, and filled the carriage, to the exclu 
 sion of little Mr. Bouncer, who, nevertheless, bore this temporary 
 and unavoidable separation with a tranquil mind, inasmuch as it 
 enabled him to ride in a second-class carriage, where he could 
 the more conveniently indulge in the furtive pleasures of the 
 Virginian weed. But, to keep up his connection with the party, 
 and to prove that his interest in them could not be diminished 
 "by a brief and enforced absence, Mr. Bouncer paid them flying 
 visits at every station, keeping his pipe alight by a puff into the 
 carriage, accompanied with an expression of his full conviction 
 that Miss Fanny Green had been smoking, in defiance of the 
 company's by-laws. These rapid interviews were enlivened by 
 Mr. Bouncer informing his friends that Huz and Buz (who were 
 panting in a locker) were as well as could be expected, and 
 giving any other interesting particulars regarding himself, his 
 fellow-travellers, or the country in general, that could be com 
 pressed into the space of sixty seconds or thereabouts ; and the 
 visits were regularly and ruthlessly brought to an abrupt termi 
 nation by the angry " Now, then, sir !" of the guard, and the 
 reckless thrusting of the little gentleman into his second-class 
 carriage, to the endangermeut of his life and limbs, and the ex 
 aggerated display of authority on the part of the railway official. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer's mercurial temperament had enabled him to get 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 3 
 
 over the little misfortune that had followed upon his examination 
 for his degree ; but he still preserved a memento of that hapless 
 period in the shape of a wig of curly black hair. For he found, 
 during the summer months, such coolness from his shaven poll, 
 that, in spite of "the mum's" entreaties, he would not suffer his 
 own luxuriant locks to grow, but declared that, till the winter at 
 any rate, he would wear his gent's real head of hair ; and in, 
 order that our railway party should not forget the reason for its 
 existence, Mr. Bouncer occasionally favoured them with a sight of 
 his bald head, and also narrated to them, with great glee, how, 
 when a very starchy lady of a certain age had left their carriage, 
 he had called after her upon the platform holding out his wig 
 as he did so that she had left some of her property behind her ; 
 and how the passengers and porters had grinned, and the starchy 
 lady had lost all her stiffening through the hotness of her wrath. 
 York at last ! A half-hour's escape from the hot carriage, and 
 a hasty dinner on cold lamb and cool salad in the pleasant re 
 freshment-room hung round with engravings. Mr. Bouncer's 
 dinner is got over with incredible rapidity, in order that the little 
 gentleman may carry out his humane intention of releasing Huz 
 and Buz from their locker, and giving them their dinner and a 
 run on the remote end of the platform, at a distance from timid 
 spectators ; which design is satisfactorily performed, and crowned 
 with a douche bath from the engine-pump. Then, away again to 
 the rabbit -hole 
 of a locker, the 
 smoky second- 
 class carriage, 
 and the stuffy 
 first-class ; in 
 carcerated in 
 which black - 
 hole, the plump 
 Miss Bouncer, 
 notwithstanding 
 that she has re 
 moved her bon 
 net and all su 
 perfluous cover 
 ings, gets hotter 
 than ever in the 
 
 afternoon sun, and is seen, ever and anon, to pass over her 
 glowing face a handkerchief cooled with the waters of Cologne. 
 
4 THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 And, when the man \vith the grease-pot comes round to look at 
 the tires of the wheels, the sight of it increases her warmth by 
 suggesting a desire (which cannot be gratified) for lemon ice. 
 Nevertheless, they have with them a variety of cooling refresh 
 raents, and their hot-house fruit and strawberries are most ac 
 ceptable. The Misses Green have wisely followed their friend's 
 example, in the removal of bonnets and mantles ; and, as they 
 amuse themselves with books and embroidery, the black-hole 
 bears, as far as possible, a resemblance *o a boudoir. Charles- 
 Larkyns favours the company with extracts from The Times; 
 reads to them the last number of Dickens's new tale, or directs- 
 their attention to the most note-worthy points on their route. 
 Mr. Verdant Green is seated vis-d-vis to the plump Miss Bouncer, 
 and benignantly beams upon her through his glasses, or mus 
 ingly consults his Bradshaw to count how much nearer they 
 have crept to their destination,, the while his thoughts have 
 travelled on in the very quickest of express trains, and have- 
 already reached the far north. 
 
 Thus they journey ; crawling under the stately old walls of 
 York ; then, with a rush and a roar, sliding rapidly over the level 
 landscape, from whence they can look back upon the glorious 
 Minster towers standing out grey and cold from the sunlit plain. 
 Then, to Darlington ; and on by porters proclaiming the names 
 of stations in uncouth Dunelmian tongue, informing passengers- 
 that they have reached " Faweyill " and " Fensoosen," instead of 
 "Ferry Hill" and "Fence Houses," and terrifying nervous 
 people by the command to " Change here for Doom !" when only 
 the propinquity of the palatinate city is signified. And so, on 
 by the triple towers of Durham that gleam in the sun with a 
 ruddy orange hue ; on, leaving to the left that last resting-place 
 of Bede and St. Cuthbert, on the rock 
 
 " Where his cathedral, huge and vast, 
 Looks down upon the Wear." 
 
 On, past the wonderfully out-of-place " Durham monument," a 
 Grecian temple on a naked hill among the coal-pits ; on, with a 
 double curve, over the Wear, laden with its Rhine-like rafts; on, 
 to grimy Gateshead and smoky Newcastle, and, with a scream 
 and a rattle, over the wonderful High Level (then barely com 
 pleted), looking down with a sort of self-satisfied shudder upon 
 the bridge, and the Tyne, and the fleet of colliers, and the busy 
 quays, and the quaint timber-built houses with their overlapping 
 storys, and picturesque black and white gables. Then, on again. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 5 
 
 after a cool delay and brief release from the black-hole; on, 
 into Northumbrian ground, over the Wansbeck ; past Morpeth ; 
 by Warkworth, and its castle, and hermitage ; over the Coquet 
 stream, beloved by the friends of gentle Izaak Walton ; on, by the 
 sea-side almost along the very sands with the refreshing sea- 
 breeze, and the murmuring plash of the breakers' the Misses 
 Green giving way to childish delight at this their first glimpse of 
 the sea; on, over the Aln, and past Alnwick; and so on, still 
 further north, to a certain little station, which is the terminus of 
 their railway journey, and the signal of their deliverance from 
 the black-hole. 
 
 There, on- the platform is Mr. Honeywood, looking hale and 
 happy, and delighted to receive his posse of visitors ; and there, 
 outside the little station, is the carriage and dog-cart, and a 
 spring-cart for the luggage. Charles Larkyns takes possession 
 of the dog-cart, in company with Mary and Fanny Green, and 
 little Mr. Bouncer;; while Huz and Buz, released from their 
 weary imprisonment, caracole gracefully around the vehicle. Mr. 
 Honeywood takes the reins of his own carriage ; Mr. Verdant 
 Green mounts the box beside him; Miss Bouncer and Miss 
 Helen Green take possession of the open interior of the carriage ; 
 the spring-cart, with the servants and luggage, follows in the 
 rear; and off they go. 
 
 But, though the two blood-horses are by no means slow of 
 action, and do, in truth, gallop apace like fiery-footed steeds, 
 yet to Mr. Verdant Green's anxious mind they seem to make 
 but slow progress ; and the magnificent country through which 
 they pass oners but slight charms for his abstracted thoughts ; 
 until (at last) they come in sight of a broken mountain-range, 
 and Mr. Honeywood, pointing with his whip, exclaims, " Yon's 
 the Cheevyuts, as they say in these parts ; there are the Cheviot 
 Hills ; and there, just where you see that gleam of light on a 
 white house among some trees there is Honeywood Hall." 
 
 Did Mr. Verdant Green remove his eyes from that object of 
 attraction, save when intervening hills, for a time, hid it from his 
 view ? did he, when they neared it, and he saw its landscape 
 beauties bathed in the, golden splendours of a July sunset, did he 
 think it a very paradise that held within its bowers the Peri of 
 his heart's worship ? did he as they passed the lodge, and drove 
 up an avenue of firs did he scan the windows of the house, and 
 immediately determine in his own mind which was HER window, 
 oblivious to the fact that SHE might sleep on the other side of 
 the building ? did he, as they pulled up at the door, scrutinise 
 
6 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 the female figures who were there to receive them, and experience 
 a feeling made up of doubt and certainty, that there was one 
 who, though not present, was waiting near with a heart beating as 
 anxiously as his own ? did he make wild remarks, and return 
 incoherent answers, until the long-expected moment had come 
 that brought him face to face with the adorable Patty ? did he 
 envy Charles Larkyns for possessing and practising the cousinly 
 privilege of bestowing a kiss upon her rosy cheeks ? and did he, 
 as he pressed her hand, and marked the heightened glow of her 
 happy face, did he feel within his heart an exultant thrill of joy 
 as the fervid thought fired his brain ore day she may be mine? 
 Perhaps I 
 
THE ADVENTURES OP MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN DELIVERS MISS PATTY HONEYWOCD FROM THE 
 HORNS OF A DILEMMA. 
 
 VEN if Mr. Verdant Green 
 had not been filled with 
 the peculiarly pleasurable 
 sensations to which allu 
 sion has just been made, 
 it is yet exceedingly pro 
 bable that he would have 
 found his visit to Honey- 
 wood Hall one of those 
 agreeable and notable 
 events which the memory 
 of after-years invests with 
 the couleur du rose. 
 
 In the first place even if Miss Patty was left out of the 
 question every one was so particularly attentive to him, that 
 all his wants, as regarded amusement and occupation, were 
 promptly supplied, and not a minute was allowed to hang heavily 
 upon his hands. And, in the second place, the country, and its 
 people and customs, had so much freshness and peculiarity, that 
 he could not stir abroad without meeting with novelty. New 
 ideas were constantly received ; and other sensations of a still 
 more delightful nature were daily deepened. Thus the time 
 passed pleasantly away at Honeywood Hall, and the hours chased 
 each other with flying feet. 
 
 Mr. Honeywood was a squire, or laird ; and though the pro 
 spect from the hall was far too extensive to allow of his being 
 monarch of all that he surveyed, yet he was the proprietor of no 
 inconsiderable portion. The small village of Honeybourn, 
 which brought its one wide street of long, low, lime-washed houses 
 hard by the hall, owned no other master than Mr. Honeywood ; 
 and all its inhabitants were, in one way or other, his labourers. 
 They had their own blacksmith, shoemaker, tailor, and carpenter ; 
 they maintained a general shop of the tea-coffee-tobacco-and-snuff 
 genus; and they lived as one family, entirely independent of 
 any other village. In fact, the villages in that district were as 
 
8 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 sparingly distributed as are '* livings-" among poor curates, and, 
 when met with, were equally as small ; and so it happened, that 
 as the landowners usually resided, like Mr. Honeywood, among 
 their own people, a gentleman would occasionally be as badly off 
 for a neighbour, as though he had been a resident in the back 
 woods of Canada. This evil, however, was productive of good, 
 in that it set aside the possibility of a deliberate interchange of 
 formal morning-calls, and obliged neighbours to be hospitable to 
 each other, sans ceremonie, and with all good fellowship. To 
 drive fifteen, twenty, or even five-and-twenty miles, to a dinner 
 party was so common an occurrence, that it excited surprise only 
 in a stranger, whose wonderment at this voluntary fatigue would 
 be quickly dispelled on witnessing the hearty hospitality and 
 friendly freedom that made a north country visit so enjoyable, 
 and robbed the dinner party of its ordinary character of an Eng 
 lish solemnity. 
 
 Close to Honeybourn village was the Squire's model farm, 
 with its wide-spreading yards and buildings, and its comfortable 
 bailiff's house. In a morning at sunrise, when our Warwick 
 shire friends were yet in bed, such of them as were light sleepers 
 would hear a not very melodious fanfare from a cow's horn 
 the signal to the village that the day's work was begun, which 
 signal was repeated at sunset. This old custom possessed un 
 common charms for Mr. Bouncer, whose only regret was that he 
 had left beliind him his celebrated tin horn. But he took to the 
 cow-horn with the readiness of a child to a new plaything ; and, 
 having placed himself under the instruction of the Northumbrian 
 
 Kxenig, was speedily ena 
 bled to sound his octaves 
 and go the complete uni 
 corn (as he was wont to 
 express it, in his pecu 
 liarly figurative eastern 
 language) with a still more 
 astounding effect than he 
 had done on his former 
 instrument. The little 
 gentleman always made 
 a point of thus signalling 
 the times of the arrival 
 and departure of the post,- greatly to the delight of small Jock 
 Muir, who, girded with his letter-bag, and mounted on a highly- 
 trained donkey, rode to and fro to the neighbouring post-town. 
 
THE ADYENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 9 
 
 Although Mr. Verdant Green was not (according to Mr. 
 Bouncer) " a bucolical party," and had not any very amazing 
 taste for agriculture, he nevertheless could not but feel inter 
 ested in what he saw around him. To one who was so 
 accustomed to the small enclosures and timbered hedge-rows 
 of the midland counties, the country of the Cheviots appeared 
 in a grand, though naked aspect, like some stalwart gladiator 
 of the stern old times. The fields were of large extent; and 
 it was no uncommon sight to see, within one boundary fence, 
 a hundred acres of wheat, rippling into mimic waves, like some 
 inland sea. The flocks and herds, too, were on a grand scale ; 
 men counted their sheep, not by tens, but by hundreds. Every 
 thing seemed to be influenced, as it were, by the large cha 
 racter of the scenery. The green hills, with their short sweet 
 grass, gave good pasture for the fleecy tribe, who were dotted 
 over the sward in almost countless numbers ; and Mr. Verdant 
 Green was as much gratified with " the silly sheep " as with 
 anything else that he witnessed in that land of novelty. To 
 see the shepherd, with his bonnet and grey plaid, and long 
 slinging step, walking first, and the flock following him, to 
 hear him call the sheep by name, and to perceive how he knew 
 them individually, and how they each and all would answer to 
 his voice, was a realisation of Scripture reading, and a northern 
 picture of Eastern life. 
 
 The head shepherd, old Andrew Graham an active youth 
 whose long snowy locks had been bleached by the snows of eighty 
 winters was an especial favourite of Mr. Verdant Green's, who 
 would never tire of his company, or of his anecdotes of his mar 
 vellous dogs. His cottage was at a distance from the village, 
 up in a snug hollow of one of the hills. There he lived, and 
 there had been brought up his six sons, and as many daughters. 
 Of the latter, two were out at service in noble families of the 
 county ; one was maid to the Misses Honeywood, and the three 
 others were at home. How they and the other inmates of the 
 cottage were housed, was a mystery ; for, although old Andrew 
 was of a superior condition in life to the other cottagers of 
 Honeybourn, yet his domicile was like all the rest in its arrange 
 ments and accommodation. It was one moderately large room, 
 fitted up with cupboards, in which, one above another, were 
 berths, like to those on board a steamer. In what way the 
 morning and evening toilettes were performed was a still greater 
 mystery to our Warwickshire friends; nevertheless, the good- 
 looking trio of damsels were always to be found neat, clean, and 
 
10 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 presentable ; and; as their mother one day proudly remarked, 
 they were " douce, sonsy bairns, wi' weel-faur'd nebs ; and, for 
 puir folks, would be weel tochered." Upon which our hero said 
 " Indeed !" which, as he had not the slightest idea what the 
 good woman meant, was, perhaps, the wisest remark that he 
 could have made. 
 
 One of them was generally to be found spinning at her muckle 
 wheel, retiring and advancing to the music of its cheerful hum, 
 the while her spun thread was rapidly coiled up on the spindle. 
 The others, as they busied themselves in their household duties, 
 or brightened up the delf and pewter, and set it out on the shelf 
 to its best advantage, would join in some plaintive Scotch ballad, 
 with such good taste and skill that our friends would frequentlv 
 love to linger within hearing, though out of sight. But these 
 
 artless ditties 
 were sometimes 
 specially sung 
 for them when 
 they paid the 
 cottage -room a 
 visit, and sat 
 around its cano 
 pied, projecting 
 fire-place. For, 
 old Andrew wag 
 a great smoker : 
 and little Mi- 
 Bouncer was ex 
 ceedingly fond 
 of way laying him 
 on his return 
 
 home, and " blowing a cloud " with so loquacious and novel a 
 companion. And Mr. Verdant Green sometimes joined him in 
 these visits ; on which occasions, as harmony was the order of 
 the day, he would do his best to further it by singing " Mar 
 ble Halls," or any other song that his limited repertoire could 
 boast; while old Andrew would burst into "Tullochgorum," or 
 do violence to " Get up and bar the door." 
 
 It must be confessed, that the conversation at such times 
 was sustained not without difficulty. Old Andrew, his wife, and 
 the major portion of his family, were barely able to understand 
 the language of their guests, whom they persisted in generalising 
 as *' cannie Soothrons ;" while the guests, on their part, could not 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VEKDANT GREEN. 
 
 11 
 
 altogether arrive at the meaning of observations that were couched 
 in the most incomprehensible patois that was ever invented. It 
 was " neither fish, flesh, nor good red herring," although it was 
 flavoured with the Northumbrian burr, and mixed with a species 
 of Scotch ; and the historian of these pages would feel almost as 
 much difficulty in setting down this north-Northumbriau dialect, 
 as he would do were he to attempt to reduce to words the bird- 
 like chatter of the Bosjesmen. 
 
 When, for example, the bewigged Mr. Bouncer " the laddie 
 wi'the black pow,"as they called him was addressed as "Hinny! 
 jist come ben, and crook yer hough on the settle, and het yersen 
 by the chimney-lug," it was as much by action as by word that 
 he understood an invitation to be seated ; though the " wet 
 yer thrapple wi' a drap o' whuskie, mon !" was easier of compre 
 hension when accompanied with the presentation of the whiske}'- 
 horn. In like manner, when Mr. Verdant Green's arrival was 
 announced by the furious barking of the faithful dogs, the apology 
 that " the camstary breutes of dougs would not steek their clat- 
 terin' gabs," was accepted as an ample explanation, more from 
 the dogs being quieted than from the lucidity of the remark that 
 explained their uproar. 
 
 There was one class of lady-labourers, peculiar to that part of 
 the country, who were 
 called Bondagers, great 
 strapping damsels of three 
 or four - woman - power, 
 whose occupation it was to 
 draw water, and perform 
 some of the rougher duties 
 attendant upon agricultu 
 ral pursuits. The sturdy 
 legs of these young ladies 
 were equipped in greaves 
 of leather, which pro 
 tected them from the cut 
 ting attacks of stubble, 
 thistles, and all other 
 lacerating specimens of 
 botany, and their exube 
 rant figures were clad in 
 buskins, and many -co 
 loured garments, that 
 were not long enough to conceal their greaves and clod-hopping 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN Y . 
 
 boots. Altogether, these young women, when engaged at their 
 ordinary avocations by the side of a spring, formed no unpic- 
 turesque subject for the sketcher's pencil, and might have been 
 advantageously transferred to canvas by many an artist who tra 
 vels to greater distances in search of lesser novelties.* 
 
 But many peculiar subjects for the pencil might there have 
 
 been found. One day 
 when they were all going 
 to see the ewe-milking 
 (which of itself would 
 have furnished material 
 for a host of sketches), 
 they suddenly came upon 
 the following scene. 
 Round by the gable of a 
 cottage was seated a 
 shock-headed rustic Absa 
 lom, and standing over 
 him was another rustic, 
 'who, with a large pair of 
 shears, was acting as an 
 amateur Tonson, and was 
 earnestly engaged in re 
 ducing the other's profuse head of hair; an occupation upon 
 which he busied himself with more zeal than discretion. Of this 
 little scene Miss Patty Honeywood forthwith made a memo 
 randum. 
 
 For Miss Patty possessed the enviable accomplishment of 
 sketching from nature ; and, leaving the beaten track of young- 
 lady figure-artists, who usually limit their efforts to chalk-heads 
 
 * In north-Northumberland, farm-labourers are usually hired by the 
 year from Whitsunday to Whitsunday and are paid mostly in kind, 
 so many bolls of oats, barley, and peas so much flax and wheat the 
 keep of a cow, and the addition of a few pounds in money. Every hind or 
 labourer is bound, in return for his house, to provide a woman-labourer 
 to the farmer, for so much a day throughout the year which is usually 
 tenpence a day in summer, and eightpence in winter ; and as it often hap 
 pens that he has none of his own family fit for the work, he has to hire a 
 woman, at large wages, to do it. As the demand is greater than the supply 
 there is not always a strict inquiry into the " bondager's " character. As 
 vtith the case of hop-pickers whom these bondagers somewhat resemble 
 "both socially and morally they are oftentimes the inhabitants of densely- 
 populated towns, who are tempted to live a brief agricultural life, not so 
 much from the temptation of the wages, as from the desire to pass a sum 
 mer-time in the country. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 13 
 
 and crayon smudges, she boldly launched into the more difficult, 
 but far more pleasing undertaking of delineating the human 
 form divine from the very life. Mr. Verdant Green found this 
 sketching from nature to be so pretty a pastime, that though 
 unable of himself to produce the feeblest specimen of art, he yet 
 took the greatest delight in watching the facility -with which 
 Miss Patty's taper fingers transferred to paper the vraisemblance 
 of a pair of sturdy Bondagers, or the miniature reflection of a 
 grand landscape. Happily for him, also, by way of an excuse 
 for bestowing his company upon Miss Patty, he was enabled to 
 be of some use to her in carrying her sketching-block and box 
 of moist water-colours, or in bringing to her water from a neigh 
 bouring spring, or in sharpening her pencils. On these occasions 
 Verdant would have preferred their being left to the sole enjoy 
 ment of each other's company ; but this was not so to be, for they 
 were always favoured with the attendance of at least a third 
 person. 
 
 But (at last !) on one happy day, when the bright sunshine was 
 reflected in Miss Patty Honeywood's bright-beaming face, Mr. 
 Verdant Green found himself wandering forth, 
 
 " All in the blue, unclouded weather," 
 
 with his heart's idol, and no third person to intrude upon their 
 duet. The alleged purport of the walk was, that Miss Patty 
 might sketch the ruined church of Lasthope, which was about 
 two miles distant from the Hall." To reach it they had to follow 
 the course of the Swirl, which ran through the Squire's grounds. 
 The Swirl was a brawling, picturesque stream ; at one place 
 narrowing into threads of silver between lichen-covered stones and 
 fragments of rock; at another place flowing on in deep pools 
 
 " Wimpling, dimpling, staying never 
 Lisping, gurgling, ever going, 
 Sipping, slipping, ever flowing, 
 Toying round the polish'd stone ;"* 
 
 fretting " in rough, shingly shallows wide," and then " bickering 
 down the sunny day." On one day, it might, in places, and with 
 the aid of stepping-stones, be crossed dryshod; and within 
 twenty-four hours it might be swelled by mountain torrents into 
 a river wider than the Thames at Richmond. This sudden 
 growth of the 
 
 " Infant of the weeping hills," 
 
 was the reason why the high road was carried over the Swirl by 
 Thomas Aird. 
 
14 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OP MB. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 a bridge of ten arches a circumstance which had greatly excited 
 little Mr. Bouncer's ideas of the ridiculous when he perceived 
 the narrow stream scarcely wide enough to wet the sides of one 
 of the arches of the great bridge that straggled over it, like a 
 railway viaduct over a canal. But, ere his visit to Honeywood 
 Hall had come to an end, the little gentleman had more than 
 once seen the Swirl swollen to its fullest dimensions, and been 
 enabled to recognise the use of the bridge, and the full force of 
 the local expression " the waeter is grit." 
 
 As Verdant and Miss Patty made their way along the bank 
 of this most changeable stream, they came upon Mr. Charles 
 Larkyns knee-deep in it, equipped in his wading-boots and fish 
 ing dress, and industriously whipping the water for trout. The 
 Swirl was a famous trout-stream, and Mr. Honeywood's coach 
 man was a noted fisherman, and was accustomed to pass many 
 of his nights fishing the stream with a white moth. It appeared 
 that the finny inhabitants of the Swirl were as fond of whitebait 
 as are Cabinet Ministers and London aldermen ; for the coach 
 man's deeds of darkness invariably resulted in the production of 
 a fine dish of freshly-caught trout for the breakfast-table. 
 
 " It must be hard work," said Verdant to his friend, as they 
 stopped awhile to watch him ; " it must be hard work to make 
 your way against the stream, and to clamber in and out among 
 the rocks and stones." 
 
 " Not at all hard work," was 
 Charles Larkyns's reply, "but 
 play. Play, too, in more senses 
 than one. See ! I have just struck 
 a fish. Watch, while I play him. 
 'The play's the thing!' Wait 
 awhile and you'll see me land him, 
 or I'm much mistaken." 
 
 So they waited awhile and 
 watched this fisherman at play, 
 until he had triumphantly landed 
 his fish, and then they pursued 
 their way. 
 
 Miss Patty had great conversa 
 tional abilities and immense power 
 of small talk, so that Verdant felt 
 quite at ease in her society, and 
 found his natural timidity anl quiet bashfulness to be greatly 
 diminished, even if they were not altogether put on one side. 
 They were always such capital friends, and Miss Patt~ ^as so 
 
THE ADVENTUEES OF ME. VEEDAJST GEEEN* 15 
 
 kind and thoughtful in making Verdant appear to the best 
 advantage, and in looking over any little yaucheries to which his 
 bashfulness might give birth, that it is not to be wondered at if 
 the young gentleman should feel great delight in her society, 
 and should seek for it at every opportunity. In fact, Miss Patty 
 Honey wood was beginning to be quite necessary to Mr. Verdant 
 Green's happy existence. It may be that the young lady was.. 
 not altogether ignorant of this, but was enabled to read thfe 
 young man's state of mind, and to judge pretty accurately of his 
 inward feelings, from those minute details of outward evidence 
 which womankind are so quick to mark, and so skilful in tracing 
 to their true source. It may be, also, that the young lady did 
 not choose either to check these feelings or to alter this state of 
 mind which she certainly ought to have done if she was soli 
 citous for her companion's happiness, and was unable to increase 
 it in the way that he wished. 
 
 But, at any rate, with mutual satisfaction for the present, they 
 strolled together along the Swirl's rocky banks, and passing into 
 a large enclosure, they advanced midway through the fields to a 
 spot which seemed a suitable one for Miss Patty's purpose. 
 The brawling stream made a good foreground for the picture, 
 which, on the one side, was shut in by a steep hill rising preci 
 pitously from the water's rough bed, and on the other side opened 
 out into a mountainous landscape, having in the near view the 
 ruined church of Lasthope, with the still more ruinous minister's 
 house, a fir plan 
 tation, and a rude 
 bridge ; with a 
 middle distance 
 of bold, sheep- 
 dotted hills; and 
 for a back 
 ground the "sow- 
 backed" Cheviot 
 itself. 
 
 Miss Patty had 
 made her outline 
 of this scene, 
 and^asprepa, 
 ing to wash it in, 
 when, as her 
 
 companion came up from the stream with a little tin can of 
 water, he saw, to his equal terror and amazement, a huge 
 bull of the most uninviting aspect stealthily approaching the 
 
16 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 seated figure of the unconscious young lady. Mr. Verdant 
 Green looked hastily around and at once perceived the danger 
 that menaced his fair friend. It was evident that the bull had 
 come up from the further end of the large enclosure, the while 
 they had been too occupied to observe his stealthy approach. 
 No one was in sight save Charles Larkyns, who was too far 
 off to be of any use. The nearest gate was about a hundred 
 and fifty yards distant; and the bull was so placed that he 
 could overtake them before they would be able to reach it. 
 Overtake them! yes! But suppose they separated? then, as 
 the brute could not go two ways at once, there would be a chance 
 for one of them to get through the gate in safety. Love, which 
 induces people to take extraordinary steps, prompted Mr. Ver 
 dant Green to jump at a conclusion. He determined, with less 
 display but more sincerity than melodramatic heroes, to save 
 Miss Patty, or " perish in the attempt." 
 
 She was seated on the rising bank altogether ignorant of the 
 presence of danger ; and, as Verdant returned to her with the 
 tin can of water, she received him with a happy smile, and a gush 
 of pleasant small talk, which our hero immediately repressed by 
 saying, " Don't be frightened there is no danger but there is 
 a bull coming towards us. Walk quietly to that gate, and keep 
 your face towards him as much as possible, and don't let him 
 see that you are afraid of him. I will take off his attention till 
 you are safe at the gate, and then I can wade through the stream 
 and get out of his reach." 
 
 Miss Patty had at once sprung to her feet, and her smile had 
 changed to a terrified expression. " Oh, but he will hurt you !" 
 she cried ; " do come with me. It is papa's bull Roarer ; he is 
 very savage. I can't think what brings him here he is gener 
 ally up at the bailiff's. Pray do come ; I can take care of my 
 self." 
 
 Miss Patty in her agitation and anxiety had taken hold of Mr. 
 Verdant Green's hand ; but, although the young gentleman would 
 at any other time have very willingly allowed her to retain pos 
 session of it, on the present occasion he disengaged it from her 
 clasp, and said, " Pray don't lose time, or it will be too late for 
 both of us. I assure you that I can easily take care of myself. 
 Now do go, pray; quietly, but quickly." So Miss Patty, with 
 an earnest, searching gaze into her companion's face, did as he 
 bade her, and retreated with her face to the foe. 
 
 In a few seconds, however, the object of her movement had 
 dawned upon Mr. Roarer's dull understanding, upon which dis 
 covery he set up a bellow of fury, and stamped the ground in 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 1 7 
 
 very undignified wrath. But, more than this, like a skilful 
 general who has satisfactorily worked out the forty-seventh pro 
 position of the First Book of Euclid, and knows therefrom that 
 the square of the hypothenuse equals both that of the base and 
 perpendicular, he unconsciously commenced the solution of the 
 problem, by making a galloping charge in the direction of the gate 
 to which Miss Patty was hastening. Thereupon, Mr. Verdant 
 Green, perceiving the young lady's peril, deliberately ran towards 
 Mr. Roarer, shouting and brandishing the sketch-book. Mr. Roarer 
 paused in wonder and perplexity. Mr. Verdant Green shouted 
 and advanced ; Miss Patty steadily retreated. After a few 
 moments of indecision Mr. Roarer abandoned his design of pur 
 suing the petticoats, and resolved that the gentleman should be 
 his first victim. Accordingly he sounded his trumpet for the 
 conflict, gave another roar and a stamp, and then ran towards Mr. 
 Verdant Green, who, having picked up a large stone, threw it 
 dexterously into Mr. Roarer's face, which brought that broad- 
 chested gentleman to a stand-still of astonishment and a search 
 for the missile. Of this Mr. Verdant Green took advantage, 
 and made a Parthian retreat. Glancing towards Miss Patty he 
 saw that she was within thirty yards of the gate, and in a minute 
 or two would be in safety saved through his means ! 
 
 A bellow from Mr. Roarer's powerful lungs prevented him for the 
 present from pursuing this delightful theme. In another moment 
 the bull charged, and Mr. Verdant Green braced up, as it were, 
 to energetic proceedings by the screams with which Miss Patty 
 had now begun to shrilly echo Mr. Roarer's deep-mouthed bel- 
 lowings waited for his approach, and then, as the bull rushed 
 on him like a massive rock hurled forward by an avalanche 
 he leaped aside, nimble as a doubling hare. As he did so, he 
 threw down his wide-awake, which the irate Mr. Roarer forth 
 with fell upon, and tossed, and tossed, and tore into shreds. By 
 this time, Verdant had reached the bank of the Swirl ; but before 
 he could proceed further, the bull was upon him again. Verdant 
 was prepared for this, and had taken off his coat. As the bull 
 dashed heavily towards him, with head bent wickedly to the 
 ground, Verdant again doubled, and, with the dexterity of a 
 matador, threw his coat upon the horns. Blinded by this, Mr. 
 Roarer's headlong career was temporarily checked ; and it was 
 three minutes before he had torn to shreds the imaginary body 
 of his enemy; but this three minutes' pause was of very great 
 importance, and in all probability prevented the memoirs of Mr. 
 Verdant Green from coming to an untimely end at this portion 
 of the narrative. c 
 
18 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 Miss Patty's continued screams had been signals of distress 
 that had not only brought up Charles Larkyns, but four labourers 
 also, who were working in a field within ear-shot. This corps 
 de reserve ran up to the spot with all speed, shouting as they did 
 so, in order to distract Mr. Roarer's attention. By this time 
 Mr. Verdant Green had waded into the water, and was making 
 the best of his way across the Swirl, in order that he might reach 
 the precipitous hill to the right ; up this he could scramble and 
 bid defiance to Mr. Roarer. But there is many a slip 'tween 
 cup and lip. Poor Verdant chanced to make a stepping-stone 
 of a treacherous boulder, and fell headlong into the water ; and 
 ere he could regain his feet, the bull had plunged with a bellow 
 into the stream, and was within a yard of his prostrate form, 
 when 
 
 When you may imagine Mr. Verdant Green's delight and 
 Miss Patty Honeywood's thankfulness at seeing one of the 
 labourers run into the stream, and strike the bull a heavy stroke 
 with a sharp hoe, the pain of which wound caused Mr. Roarer to 
 suddenly wheel round and engage with his new adversary, who 
 followed up his advantage, and cut into his enemy with might and 
 main. Then Charles Larkyns and the other three labourers 
 came up, and the bull was prevented from doing an injury to any 
 one until a farm-servant had arrived upon the scene with a strong 
 halter, when Mr. Roarer, somewhat spent with wrath, and suffering 
 from considerable depression of animal spirits, was conducted to 
 the obscure retirement and littered ease of the bull-house. 
 
 This little adventure has been recorded here, inasmuch as from 
 it was forged, by the hand of Cupid, a golden link in our hero's 
 chain of fate; for to this occurrence Miss Patty attached no 
 slight importance. She exalted Mr. Verdant Green's conduct 
 on this occasion into an act of heroism worthy to be ranked with 
 far more notable deeds of valour. She looked upon him as a 
 Bayard who had chivalrously risked his life in the cause of 
 love, was it? or only of a lady. Her gratitude, she considered, 
 ought to be very great to one who had, at so great a venture, 
 preserved her from so horrible a death. For that she would 
 nave been dreadfully gored, and would have lost her life, if she 
 had not been rescued by Mr. Verdant Green, Miss Patty had 
 most fully and unalterably decided which, certainly, might 
 have been the case. 
 
 At any rate, our hero had no reason to regret that portion of 
 his life's drama in which Mr. Roarer had made his appearance. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 HB. VERDANT GREEN STUDIES Y E MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF I* 
 
 NATIVES. 
 
 ISS Patty Honey wood was 
 not only distinguished for 
 unlimited powers of con 
 versation, but was also 
 equally famous for her 
 equestrian abilities. She 
 and her sister were the 
 first horsewomen in that 
 part of the county; and, 
 if their father had per 
 mitted, they would have 
 been delighted to ride 
 to hounds, and to cross 
 country with the foremost 
 flight, for they had pluck 
 enough for anything. 
 They had such light hands and good seats, and in every respect 
 rode so well, that, as a matter of course, they looked well 
 never better, perhaps, than wlien on horseback. Their bright, 
 happy faces which were far more beautiful in their piquant 
 irregularities of feature, and gave one far more pleasure in the 
 contemplation than if they had been moulded in the coldly 
 chiselled forms of classic beauty appeared with no diminution 
 of charms, when set off by their pretty felt riding-hats; and 
 their full, firm, and well-rounded figures were seen to the greatest 
 advantage when clad in the graceful dress that passes by the name 
 of a riding-habit. 
 
 Every morning, after breakfast, the two young ladies were 
 accustomed to visit the stables, where they had interviews with 
 their respective steeds steeds and mistresses appearing to be 
 equally gratified thereby. It is perhaps needless to state that 
 during Mr. Verdant Green's sojourn at Honeywood Hall, Miss 
 Patty's stable calls were generally made in his company. 
 
 Such rides as they took in those happy days wild, pic-nic sort 
 
20 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 of rides, over country equally as wild and removed from formality 
 rides by duets and rides in duodecimos ; sometimes a soli 
 tary couple or two ; sometimes a round dozen of them, scamper 
 ing and racing over hill and heather, with startled grouse and 
 black-cock skirring up from under the very hoofs of the equally 
 startled horses ; rides by tumbling streams, like the Swirl 
 splashing through them, with pulled-up or draggled habits 
 then cantering on " over bank, bush, and scaur," like so many 
 fair Ellens and young Lochinvars clambering up very preci 
 pices, and creeping down break-neck hills laughing and talking, 
 and singing, and whistling, and even (so far as Mr. Bouncer was 
 concerned) blowing cows' horns ! What vagabond, rollicking 
 rides were those ! What a healthy contrast to the necessarily 
 formal, groom-attended canter on Society's Rotten Row ! 
 
 A legion of dogs accompanied them on these occasions ; a 
 miscellaneous pack composed of Masters Huz and Buz (in great 
 spirits at finding themselves in such capital quarters), a black 
 Newfoundland (answering to the name of " Nigger"), a couple of 
 Setters (with titles from the heathen mythology " Juno " and 
 " Flora"), a ridiculous-looking, bandy-legged otter-hound (called 
 " Gripper"), a wiry, rat- catching terrier (" Nipper"), and two 
 silky-haired, long-backed, short-legged, sharp-nosed, bright-eyed, 
 pepper-and-salt Skye-terriers, who respectively answered to the 
 names of " Whisky " and " Toddy," and were the property of 
 the Misses Honeywood. The lordly shepherds' dogs, whom they 
 encountered on their journeys, would have nothing to do with 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GBEKN. VI 
 
 . a medley of unruly scamps, but turned from their overtures 
 of friendship with patrician disdain. They routed up rabbits ; 
 
 
 they turned out hedgehogs ; and, at their approach, they made 
 the game fly with a WHIR-R-B-R-K-E-* arranged as a diminuendo. 
 
 These free-and-easy equestrian expeditions were not only 
 agreeable to Mr. Verdant Green's feelings, but they were also 
 useful to him as so many lessons of horsemanship, and so greatly 
 advauced him in the practice of that noble science, that the 
 admiring Squire one day said to him " I'll tell you what, Ver 
 dant ! before we've done with you, we shall make you ride like 
 a Shafto !" At which high eulogium Mr. Verdant Green blushed, 
 and made an inward resolution that, as soon as he had returned 
 home, he would subscribe to the Warwickshire hounds, and 
 inake his appearance in the field. 
 
 On Sundays the Honeywood party usually rode and drove to 
 the church of a small market-town, some seven or eight miles 
 'distant. If it was a wet day, they walked to the ruined church 
 of Lasthope the place Miss Patty was sketching when disturbed 
 by Mr. Koarer. Lasthope was in lay hands ; and its lay rector, 
 who lived far away, had so little care for the edifice, or the 
 proper conduct of divine service, that he allowed the one to con 
 tinue in its ruins, and suffered the other to be got through any- 
 
THE ADVENTURES OP MB. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 how, or not at all -just as it happened. Clergymen were engaged 
 to perform the service (there was but one each day) at the lowest 
 price of the clerical market. Occasionally it was announced, in 
 the vernacular of the district, that there would be no church, 
 " because the priest had gone for the sea-bathing," or because 
 the waters were out, and the priest could not get across. As a 
 matter of course, in consequence of the uncertainty of finding 
 any one to perform the service when they had got to church, and 
 of the slovenly way in which the service was scrambled through 
 when they had got a clergyman there, the congregation generally 
 preferred attending the large Presbyterian meeting-house, which 
 was about two miles from Lasthope. Here, at any rate, they met 
 with the reverse of coldness in the conduct of the service. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green and his male friends strayed there one 
 Sunday for curiosity's sake, and found a minister of indefatig 
 able eloquence and enviable power of lungs, who had arrived at 
 such a pitch of heat, from the combined effects of the weather 
 and his own exertions, that in the very middle of his discourse 
 and literally in the heat of it he paused to divest himself of his 
 gown, heavily braided with serge and velvet, and, hanging it over 
 the side of the pulpit (" the pilput," his congregation called it), 
 mopped his head with his handkerchief, and then pursued his 
 theme like a giant refreshed. At this stage in the proceedings, 
 little Mr. Bouncer became in a high state of pleasurable excite* 
 ment, from the expectation that the minister would next divest 
 himself of his coat, and would struggle through the rest of his 
 argument in his shirt-sleeves ; but Mr. Bouncer's improper 
 wishes were not gratified. 
 
 The sermon was so extremely metaphorical, was founded on 
 such abstruse passages, and was delivered in so broad a dialect, 
 that it was caviare to Mr. Verdant Green and his friends ; but 
 it seemed to be far otherwise with the attentive and crowded 
 congregation, who relieved their minister at intervals by load 
 bursts of singing, that were impressive from their fervency 
 though not particularly harmonious to a delicately-musical ear. 
 Near to the close of the service there was a collection, which in- ? 
 duced Mr. Bouncer to whisper to Verdant as an axiom deduced 
 from his long experience that " you never come to a strange 
 place, but what you are sure to drop in for a collection ;" but, 
 on finding that it was a weekly offering, and that no one was 
 expected to give more than a copper, the little gentleman re 
 lented, and cheerfully dropped a piece of silver into the wooden 
 box. It was astonishing to see the throngs of people, that, in 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 23 
 
 so thinly inhabited a district, could be assembled at this meeting 
 house. Though it seemed almost incredible to our midland- 
 county friends, yet not a few of these poor, simple, earnest- 
 minded people would walk from a distance of fifteen miles, 
 starting at an early hour, coming by easy stages, and bringing 
 with them their dinner, so as to enable them to stay for the 
 afternoon service. On the Sunday mornings the red cloaks and 
 grey plaids of these pious men and women might be seen dotting 
 the green hillsides, and slowly moving towards the gaunt and 
 grim red brick meeting-house. And around it, on great occa 
 sions, were tents pitched for the between-service accommodation 
 of the worshippers. 
 
 Both they and it contrasted, in every way, with the ruined 
 church of Lasthope, whose worship seemed also to have gone to 
 ruin with the uncared-for edifice. Its aisles had tumbled down, 
 and their material had been rudely built up within the arches of 
 the nave. The church was thus converted into the non-ecclesi 
 astical form of a parallelogram, and was fitted up with the very 
 rudest and ugliest of deal enclosures, which were dignified with 
 the name of pews, but ought to have been termed pens. 
 
 During the time of Mr. Verdant Green's visit, the service at 
 this ecclesiastical ruin was performed by a clergyman who had 
 apparently been selected for the duty from his harmonious resem 
 blance to the place ; for he also was an ecclesiastical ruin a 
 schoolmaster in holy orders, who, having to slave hard all through 
 the working-days of the week, had to work still harder on the 
 day of rest. For, first, the Ruin had to ride his stumbling old 
 pony a distance of twelve miles (and twelve such miles !) to Last- 
 hope, where he stabled it (bringing the feed of corn in his pocket, 
 and leading it to drink at the Swirl) in the dilapidated stable of 
 the tumbled-down rectory-house. Then he had to get through the 
 morning service without any loss of time, to enable him to ride 
 eight miles in another direction (eating his sandwich dinner as 
 he went along), where he had to take the afternoon duty and 
 occasional services at a second church. When this was done, he 
 might find his way home as well as he could, and enjoy with his 
 family as much of the day of rest as he had leisure and strength 
 for. The stipend that the Ruin received for his labours was 
 greatly below the wages given to a butler by the lay rector, who 
 pocketed a very nice income by this respectable transaction. 
 But the Butler was a stately edifice in perfect repair, both out 
 side and in, so far as clothes and food went ; and the Parson' 
 was an ill-conditioned Ruin left to moulder away in an obscure 
 
24 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 situation, without even the ivy of luxuriance to make him graceful 
 and picturesque. 
 
 Mr. Honey wood's family were the only *' respectable" persons 
 who occasionally attended the Ruin's ministrations in Lasthope 
 church. The other people who made up the scanty congregation 
 were old Andrew Graham and his children, and a few of the 
 poorer sort of Honeybourn. They all brought their dogs with 
 them as a matter of course. On entering the church the men 
 hung up their bonnets on a row of pegs provided for that pur 
 pose, and fixed, as an ecclesiastical ornament, along the western 
 wall of the church. They then took their places in their pens, 
 accompanied by their dogs, who usually behaved with remarkable 
 propriety, and, during the sermon, set their masters an example 
 of watchfulness. On one occasion the proceedings were inter 
 rupted by a rat hunt; the dogs gave tongue, arid leaped the 
 pews in the excitement of the chase their masters followed 
 them and laid about them with their sticks and when with 
 difficulty order had been restored, the service was proceeded 
 with. It must be confessed that Mr. Bouncer was so badly dis 
 posed as to wish for a repetition of this scene ; but (happily) he 
 was disappointed. 
 
 The choir of Lasthope Church was centred in the person of 
 the clerk, who apparently sang tunes of his own composing, in 
 which the congregation joined at their discretion, though usually 
 to different airs. The result was a discordant struggle, through 
 which the clerk bravely maintained his own until he had ex 
 hausted himself, when he shut up his book and sat down, and 
 the congregation had to shut up also. During the singing the 
 intelligence of the dogs was displayed in their giving a stifled 
 utterance to howls of anguish, which were repeated ad libitum 
 throughout the hymn ; but as this was a customary proceeding 
 it attracted no attention, unless a dog expressed his sufferings 
 more loudly than was wont, when he received a clout from his 
 master's staff that silenced him, and sent him under the pew- 
 seat, as to a species of ecclesiastical St. Helena. 
 
 Such was Lasthope Church, its Ruin, and its sendee ; and, as 
 may be imagined from these notes which the veracious historian 
 has thought fit to chronicle, Mr. Verdant Green found that his 
 Sundays in Northumberland produced as much novelty as the 
 week-days. 
 
THE ADVENTUEES OP ME. VEEDANT GHEES. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 MR. VEEDANT GEEEN ENDEAVOUES TO SAY SNIP TO SOME ONE'S 
 SNAP. 
 
 THERE was a gate in the kitchen-garden of Honeywood Hall, 
 that led into an orchard ; and in this orchard there was a certain 
 apple-tree that had assumed one of those peculiarities of form to 
 which the children of Pomona are addicted. After growing 
 upright for about a foot and a half, it had suddenly shot out at 
 right angles, with a gentle upward slope for a length of between 
 three and four feet, and had then again struck up into the per 
 pendicular. It thus formed a natural orchard seat, capable of 
 holding two persons comfortably provided that they regarded a 
 close proximity as comfortable sitting. 
 
 One day Miss Patty directed Verdant's attention to this vagary 
 of nature. " This is one of my favourite haunts," she said. 
 " I often steal here on a hot day with some work or a book. You 
 see this upper branch makes quite a little table, and I can rest 
 my book upon it. It is so pleasant to be under the shade here, 
 with the fruit or blossoms over one's head ; and it is so snug and 
 retired, and out of the way of every one." 
 
 " It is very snug and very retired," said Mr. Verdant Green; 
 and he thought that now would be the very time to put in execu 
 tion a project that had for some days past been haunting his brain. 
 
 " When Kitty and I," said Miss Patty, " have any secrets we 
 come here and tell them to each other while we sit at our work. 
 No one can hear what we say ; and we are quite snug all to our- 
 eelves." 
 
 Very odd. thought Verdant, that they should fix on this parti 
 cular spot for confidential communications, and take the trouble 
 to come here to make them, when they could do so in their own 
 rooms at the house. And yet it isn't such a bad spot either. 
 
 " Try how comfortable a seat it is !" said Miss Patty. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green began to feel hot. He sat down, however, 
 and tested the comforts of the seat, much in the same way as he 
 would try the spring of a lounging chair, and apparently with a 
 like result, for he said, " Yes, it is very comfortable very com 
 fortable indeed." 
 
26 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 " I thought you'd like it," said Miss Patty ; " and you see 
 how nicely the branches droop all round : they make it quite an 
 arbour. If Kitty had been here with me I think you would have 
 had some trouble to have found us." 
 
 " I think I should ; it is quite a place to hide in," said Ver 
 dant. But the young lady and gentleman must have been speak 
 ing with the spirit of ostriches, and have imagined that, when 
 they had hidden their heads, they had altogether concealed them 
 selves from observation ; for the branches of the apple-tree only 
 drooped low enough to conceal the upper part of their figures, 
 and left the rest exposed to view. " Won't you sit down, also ?" 
 asked Verdant, with a gasp and a sensation in his head as 
 though he had been drinking champagne too freely. 
 
 " I'm afraid there's scarcely room for me," pleaded Miss Patty. 
 
 " Oh yes, there is, indeed ! pray sit down." 
 
 So she sat down on the lower part of the trunk. Mr. Verdant 
 Green glanced rapidly round and perceived that they were quite 
 alone, and partly shrouded from view. The following highly 
 interesting conversation then took place. 
 
 He. " Won't you change places with me? you'll slip off." 
 
 She. " No I think I can manage." 
 
 He. " But you can come closer." 
 
 She. " Thanks." (She comes closer.) 
 
 He. " Isn't that more comfortable ? " 
 
 She. " Yes very much." 
 
 He. (Very hot, and not knowing what to say.) " I I think 
 you'll slip !" 
 
 She. " Oh no ! it's very comfortable indeed." 
 
 (That is to say thinks Mr. Verdant Green that sitting BY 
 ME is very comfortable. Hurrah !) 
 
 She. " It's very hot, don't you think ?" 
 
 He. " How very odd ! I was just thinking the same." 
 
 She. " I think I shall take my hat off it is so warm. Dear 
 me ! how stupid ! the strings are in a knot." 
 
 He. " Let me see if I can untie them for you." 
 
 She. " Thanks ! no ! I can manage." (But she cannot.) 
 
 He. " You'd better let me try ! now do ! " 
 
 She. "Oh, thanks! but I'm sorry you should have the trouble.** 
 
 He. " No trouble at all. Quite a pleasure." 
 
 (In a very hot condition of mind and fingers, Mr. Verdant 
 Green then endeavoured to release the strings from their en 
 tanglement. But all in vain : he tugged, and pulled, and only 
 made matters worse. Once or twice in the struggle his hands 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 27 
 
 touched Miss Patty's chin ; and no highly-charged electrical 
 machine could have imparted a shock greater than that tingling 
 sensation of pleasure which Mr. Verdant Green experienced 
 when his fingers, for the fraction of a second, touched Miss 
 Patty's soft dimpled chin. Then there was her beautiful neck, 
 so white, and with such blue veins ! he had an irresistible desire 
 to stroke it for its very smoothness as one loves to feel the 
 polish of marble, or the glaze of wedding-cards instead of em 
 ploying his hands in fumbling at the brown ribands, whose knots 
 became more complicated than ever. Then there was her happy 
 rosy face, so close to which his own was brought ; and her bright, 
 laughing, hazel eyes, in which, as he timidly looked up, he saw 
 little daguerreotypes of himself. Would that he could retain 
 such a photographer by his side through life ! Miss Bouncer's 
 camera was as nothing compared with the camera lucida of those 
 clear eyes, that shone upon him so truthfully, and mirrored for 
 him such pretty pictures. And what with these eyes, and the 
 face, and the chin, and the neck, Mr. Verdant Green was brought 
 into such an irretrievable state of mental excitement that he 
 was perfectly unable to render Miss Patty the service he had 
 proffered. But, more than that, he as yet lacked sufficient 
 courage to carry out his darling project. 
 
 At length Miss Patty herself untied the rebellious knot, and 
 took off her hat. The highly interesting conversation was then 
 resumed. 
 
 She. " What a frightful state my hair is in ! " (Loops up an 
 escaped lock.) " You must think me so untidy. But out in the 
 country, and in a place like this where no one sees us, it makes 
 one careless of appearance." 
 
 He. ** I like 'a sweet neglect,' especially in in some people; 
 it suits them so well. I pon my word, it's very hot !" 
 
 She. " But how much hotter it must be from under the shade. 
 It is so pleasant here. It seems so dreamlike to sit among tho 
 shadows and look out upon the bright landscape." 
 
 He. " It is very jolly soothing, at least !" (Apause.) "I think 
 you'll slip. Do you know, I think it will be safer if you will 
 let me" (here his courage fails him. He endeavours to say put my 
 arm round your waist, but his tongue refuses to speak the words ; 
 so he substitutes) " change places with you." 
 
 She. (Rises , with a look of amused vexation.) " Certainly ! if you 
 BO particularly wish it." (They change places.) " Now, you see, you 
 have lost by the change. You are too tall for that end of the seat, 
 and it did very nicely for a little body like me." 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 He. (With a thrill of delight and a sudden burst of strategy.) 
 " I can hold on to this branch, if my arm will not inconvenience 
 you." 
 
 She. " Oh no ! not particularly : " (he passes his right arm be 
 hind her, and takes hold of a bough :) "but I should think it's not 
 very comfortable for you." 
 
 He. " I couldn't be more comfortable, I'm sure." (Nearly 
 slips off the tree, and doubles up his legs into an unpicturesque 
 attitude highly suggestive of misery. A pause.) "And do you 
 tell your secrets here ?" 
 
 She. " My secrets? Oh, I see you mean, with Kitty. Oh, yes! 
 
 if this tree could 
 ^Tk talk, it would be 
 able to tell such 
 dreadful stories." 
 He. "I won 
 der if it could 
 tell any dreadful 
 stories of me?" 
 She. "Of you? 
 Oh, no! Why 
 should it ? We 
 are only severe 
 on those we dis 
 like." 
 
 He. Then 
 you don't dislike 
 me?" 
 
 She. "No! 
 why should we?" 
 He. "Well 
 I don't know 
 but I thought you 
 might. Well, I'm 
 glad of that 
 
 I'm very glad of that. Ton my word, it's very hot ! don't you 
 think so?" 
 
 She. li Yes ! I'm burning. But I don't think we should find 
 a cooler place." (Does not evince any symptoms of moving.) 
 
 He. " Well, p'raps we shouldn't." (A pause.) "Do you know 
 that I'm very glad you don't dislike me ; because, it wouldn't 
 have been pleasant to be disliked by you, would it ?" 
 
 She. "Well of course, I can't tell. It depends upon one's 
 own feelings." 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 29 
 
 He. " Then you don't dislike me ?" 
 She. " Oh dear, no ! why should I ?" 
 He. " And if you don't dislike me, you must like me ?" 
 She. " Yes at least yes, I suppose so." 
 At this stage of the proceedings, the arm that Mr. Verdant 
 Green had passed behind Miss Patty thrilled with such a pecu 
 liar sensation that his hand slipped down the bough, and the 
 arm consequently came against Miss Patty's waist, where it 
 rested. The necessity for saying something, the wish to make 
 that something the something that was bursting his heart and 
 brain, and the dread of letting it escape his lips these three 
 varied and mingled sensations so distracted poor Mr. Verdant 
 Green's mind, that he was no more conscious of what he was 
 giving utterance to than if he had been talking in a dream. But 
 there was Miss Patty by his side a very tangible and delightful 
 reality playing (somewhat nervously) with those rebellious 
 strings of her hat, which loosely hung in her hand, while the 
 dappled shadows flickered on the waving masses of her rich 
 brown hair, so something must be said ; and, if it should lead 
 to the something, why, so much the better. 
 
 Eeturning, therefore, to the subject of like and dislike, Mr. 
 Verdant Green managed to say, in a choking, faltering tone, " I 
 wonder how much you like me very much ?" 
 
 She. " Oh, I couldn't tell how should I ? What strange ques 
 tions you ask ! You saved my life ; so, of course, I am very, very 
 grateful ; and I hope I shall always be your friend." 
 
 He. " Yes, I hope so indeed always and something more. 
 Do you hope the same ?" 
 
 She. " What do you mean? Hadn't we better go back to the 
 house ?" 
 
 He. " Not just yet it's so cool here at least, not cool 
 exactly, but hot pleasanter, that is much pleasanter here. 
 You said so, you know, a little while since. Don't mind me ; I 
 always feel hot when when I'm out of doors." 
 She. u Then we'd better go indoors." 
 He. " Pray don't not yet do stop a little longer." 
 And the hand that had been on the bough of the tree, timidly 
 seized Miss Patty's arm, and then naturally, but very gently, 
 fell upon her waist. A thrill shot through Mr. Verdant Green, 
 like an electric flash, and, after traversing from his head to his 
 heels, probably passed out safely at his boots for it did him no 
 harm, but, on the contrary, made him feel all the better. 
 
 " But," said the young lady, as she felt the hand upon her 
 waist not that she was really displeased at the proceeding, but 
 
80 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 perhaps she thought it best, under the circumstances, to say 
 something that should have the resemblance of a veto " but 
 it is not necessary to hold me a prisoner." 
 
 " It's you that hold me a prisoner !" said Mr. Verdant Green, 
 with a sudden burst of enthusiasm and blushes, and a great stress 
 upon the pronouns. 
 
 " Now you are talking nonsense, and, if so, I must go !" said 
 Miss Patty. And she also blushed; perhaps it was from the 
 heat. But she removed Mr. Verdant Green's hand from her 
 waist, and he was much too frightened to replace it. 
 
 " Oh ! do stay a little !" gasped the young gentleman, with an 
 awkward sensation of want of employment for his hands. " You 
 said that secrets were told here. I don't want to talk nonsense ; 
 I don't indeed ; but the truth. I've a secret to tell you. Should 
 you like to hear it r" 
 
 " Oh yes !" laughed Miss Patty. " I like to hear secrets." 
 
 Now, how very absurd it was in Mr. Verdant Green wasting 
 time in beating about the bush in this ridiculously timid way ! 
 Why could he not at once boldly secure his bird by a straight 
 forward shot ? She did not fly out of his range did she ? And 
 yet, here he was making himself unnecessarily hot and uncom 
 fortable, when he might, by taking it coolly, have been at his ease 
 in a moment. What a foolish young man ! Nay, he still fur 
 ther lost time and evaded his purpose, by saying once again 
 to Miss Patty instead of immediately replying to her observa 
 tion " Ton my word, it's uncommonly hot ! don't you think 
 so?" 
 
 Upon which Miss Patty replied, with some little chagrin, 
 *' And was that your secret ?" If she had lived in the Elizabethan 
 era she could have adjured him with a " Marry, come up !" 
 which would have brought him to the point without any further 
 trouble ; but living in a Victorian age, she could do no more 
 than say what she did, and leave the rest of her meaning to the 
 language of the eyes. 
 
 "Don't laugh at me!" urged the bashful and weak-minded 
 young man ; " don't laugh at me ! If you only knew what I 
 feel when you laugh at me, you'd " 
 
 " Cry, I dare say!" said Miss Patty, cutting him short with a 
 merry smile, and (it must be confessed) a most wickedly- roguish 
 expression about those bright flashing hazel eyes of hers. " Now, 
 you haven't told me this wonderful secret !" 
 
 " Why," said Mr. Verdant Green, slowly and deliberately 
 feeling that his time was coming on, and cowardly anxious still 
 
THE ADVENTUKES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 31 
 
 to fight off the fatal words " you said that you didn't dislike 
 me ; and, in fact, that you liked me very much ; and " 
 
 But here Miss Patty cut him short again. She turned sharply 
 round upon him, with those bright eyes and that merry face, and 
 said, " Oh ! how can you say so? I never said anything of the 
 sort!" 
 
 " Well," said Mr. Verdant Green, who was now desperate, 
 and mentally prepared to take the dreaded plunge into that 
 throbbing sea that beats upon the strand of matrimony, " whether 
 j/ott like me very 
 
 '^y^^^f^^M^K- # 
 
 much or not, I 
 like you very 
 much ! very 
 much indeed ! 
 Ever since I saw 
 you, since last 
 Christmas, I've 
 I've liked you 
 very much in 
 deed." 
 
 Mr. Verdant 
 Green, in a very 
 hot and excited 
 state, had, while 
 he was speaking, 
 timidly brought 
 his hand once 
 more to Miss 
 Patty's waist ; 
 and she did not 
 interfere with its 
 position. In fact, 
 she was bending 
 down her head, and was gazing intently on another knot that she 
 had wilfully made in her hat-strings ; and she was working so 
 violently at that occupation of untying the knot, that very pro 
 bably she might not have been aware of the situation of Mr. 
 Verdant Green's hand. At any rate, her own hands were too 
 much busied to suffer her to interfere with his. " 
 
 At last the climax had arrived. Mr. Verdant Green had 
 screwed his courage to the sticking point, and had resolved to 
 tell the secret of his love. He had got to the very edge of the 
 precipice, and was on the point of jumping over head and ears 
 
 its* 
 
 2$**** 
 
32 THE ADVENTURES OP MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 into the stream of his destiny, and of bursting into any excited 
 form of words that should make known his affection and his de 
 signs, when when a vile perfume of tobacco, a sudden bark 
 ing rush of Huz and Buz, and the horrid voice of little Mr. 
 Bouncer, dispelled the bright vision, dispersed his ideas, and pre 
 vented the fulfilment of his purpose. 
 
 " Holloa, Giglamps !" roared the little gentleman, as he re 
 moved a short pipe from his mouth, and expelled an ascending 
 curl of smoke ; " I've been looking for you everywhere ! Here 
 we are, as Hamlet's uncle said, all in the horchard ! I hope 
 he's not been pouring poison in your ear, Miss Honeywood ; he 
 looks rather guilty. The Mum I mean your mother sent me 
 to find you. The luncheon's been 011 the table more than an 
 hour !" 
 
 Luckily for Mr. Verdant Green and Miss Patty Honeywood, 
 little Mr. Bouncer rattled on without waiting for any reply to 
 his observations, and thus enabled the young lady to somewhat 
 recover her presence of mind, and to effect a hasty retreat from 
 under the apple tree, and through the garden gate. 
 
 " I say, old feller," said Mr. Bouncer, as he criticised Mr. 
 Verdant Green's countenance over the bowl of his pipe, "you 
 look rather in a stew ! What's up? My gum !" cried the little 
 gentleman, as an idea of the truth suddenly flashed upon him ; 
 "you don't mean to say you've been doing the spooney what 
 you call making love have you?" 
 
 " Oh !" groaned the person addressed, as he followed out the 
 train of his own ideas ; "if you had but have come five minutes 
 later or not at all ! It's most provoking !" 
 
 "Well! you're a grateful bird, I don't think!" said Mr. 
 Bouncer. " Cut after her into luncheon, and have it out over 
 the cold mutton and pickles !" 
 
 " Oh no !" responded the luckless lover ; "I can't eat espe 
 cially before the others ! I mean I couldn't talk to her before 
 the others. Oh ! I don't know what I'm saying." 
 
 " Well, I don't think you do, old feller!" said Mr. Bouncer, 
 puffing away at his pipe. " I'm sorry I was in the road, though ! 
 because, though I fight shy of those sort of things myself, yet I 
 don't want to interfere with the little weaknesses of other folks. 
 But come and have a pipe, old feller, and we'll talk matters over, 
 and see what pips are on the cards, and what's the state of the 
 game." , 
 
 Now, a pipe was Mr. Bouncer's panacea for every kind of in 
 disposition, both mental and bodily. 
 
THE AD VENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 MS. VERDANT GBEEN MEETS WITH THE GREEN-EYED MONSTEB. 
 
 f\\ ENTION had frequently 
 been made by the mem 
 bers of the Honeywood 
 family, but more espe 
 cially by Miss Patty, of a 
 cousin a male cousin * 
 to whom they all seemed 
 to be exceedingly partial 
 far more partial, as Mr. 
 Verdant Green thought, 
 with regard to Miss Patty, 
 than he would have 
 wished her to have been. This cousin was Mr. Frank Delaval, a 
 eon of their father's sister. According to their description, he 
 possessed good looks, and an equivalently good fortune, with all 
 sorts of accomplishments, both useful and ornamental ; and was, 
 in short (in their eyes at least), a very admirable Crichton of the 
 nineteenth century. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green had heard from Miss Patty so much of 
 her cousin Frank, and of the pleasure they were anticipating from 
 a visit he had promised shortly to make to them, that he had at 
 length begun to suspect that the young lady's maiden meditations 
 were not altogether " fancy free," and that her thoughts dwelt 
 upon this handsome cousin far more than was palatable to Mr. 
 Verdant Green's feelings. In the most unreasonable manner, 
 therefore, he conceived a violent antipathy to Mr. Frank Delaval, 
 even before he had set eyes upon him, and considered that the 
 Honeywood family had, one and all, greatly overrated him. But 
 these suppositions and suspicions made him doubly anxious to 
 come to an understanding with Miss Patty before the arrival of 
 the dreaded Adonis ; and it was this thought that had helped to 
 nerve him through the terrors of the orchard scene, and which, 
 but for Mr. Bouncer's malapropos intrusion, would have brought 
 things to a crisis. 
 
 However, after he had had a talk with Mr. Bouncer, and had 
 
34 THE ADVENTUEES OF ME. VEEDANT GEEEN. 
 
 been fortified by that little gentleman's pithy admonitions to " go 
 in and win," and to " strike while the iron's hot," and that " faint 
 heart never won a nice young 'ooman," he determined to seek 
 out Miss Patty at once, and bring to an end their unfinished 
 conversation. For this purpose he returned to the hall, where 
 he found a great commotion, and a carriage at the door ; and out 
 of the carriage jumped a handsome young man, with a black mous 
 tache, who ran up to the open hall-door (where Miss Patty was 
 standing with her sister), seized Miss Kitty by the hand, and 
 placed his moustache under her nose, and then seized Miss 
 Patty by her hand, and removed the moustache to beneath her 
 nose ! And all this unblushingly and as a matter of course, out 
 in the sunshine, and before the servants ! Mr. Verdant Green 
 retreated without having been seen, and, plunging into the shrub 
 bery, told his woes to the evergreens, and while he listened to 
 
 " The dry-tongued laurel's pattering talk," 
 
 he thought, " It is as I feared ! I am nothing more to her than 
 a simple friend." Though, why he so morosely arrived at this 
 idea it would be hard to say. Perhaps other jealous lovers have 
 been similarly unreasonable and unreasoning in their conclusions, 
 and, of their own accord, run to the dark side of the cloud, when, 
 they might have pleasantly remained within its silver lining. 
 
 But when Frank Delaval had been seen, and heard, and made 
 acquaintance with, Verdant, who was much too simple-hearted to 
 dislike any one without just grounds for so doing, entered (even 
 after half an hour's knowledge) into the band of his admirers; 
 and that same evening, in the drawing-room, while Miss Kitty 
 was playing one of Schulhoff's mazurkas, with her moustached 
 cousin standing by her side, and turning over the music-leaves, 
 Verdant privately declared, over a chess-board, to Miss Patty, 
 that Mr. Frank Delaval was the handsomest and most delightful 
 man he had ever met. And v;hen Miss Patty's eyes sparkled at 
 this proof of his truth and disinterestedness, Verdant mistook 
 the bright signals ; and further misconstruing the cause why (as 
 they continued to speak of her cousin) she made a most egre 
 gious blunder, that caused her opponent to pronounce the word 
 "Mated!" he regarded it as a fatal omen, more especially as 
 Mr. Frank came to her side at that very moment ; and when the 
 young lady laughed, and said, " What a goose I am ! whatever 
 could I have been thinking of?" he thought within himself (per 
 sisting in his illogical and perverse conclusions), "It is very 
 plain what she is thinking about ! I was afraid that she loved 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 35 
 
 him, and now I know it." So he put up the chess-men, while 
 she went to the piano with her cousin ; and he even wished that 
 Mr. Bouncer had interrupted their apple-tree conversation at 
 
 its commencement ; but was thankful to him for coming in timo 
 to save him from the pain of being rejected in favour of another. 
 Then, in five minutes, he changed his mind, and had decided 
 that it would have spared him much misery if he could have 
 heard his fate from his Patty's own lips. Then he wished that 
 he had never come to Northumberland at all, and began to think 
 how he should spend his time in the purgatory that Honeywood 
 Hall would now be to him. 
 
 When they separated for the night, HE again placed his mous 
 tache beneath HER nose. Mr. Verdant Green turned away his 
 head at such a sickly exhibition. It was a presumption upon 
 cousinship. Charles Larkyns did not kiss her; and he was 
 equally as much her cousin as Frank Delaval. 
 
 And yet, \vhen the young men went into the back kitchen for 
 a pipe and a chat before going to bed, Verdant was so delighted 
 
36 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 with that handsome cousin Frank, that he thought, '< If I was a 
 girl, I should think as she does." 
 
 "And why should she not love him?" meditated the poor 
 fellow, when he was lying awake in his bed that self-same night, 
 rendered sleepless by the pain of his new wound ; " why should 
 she not love him ? how could she do otherwise ? thrown together 
 as they have been from children speaking to each other as 
 4 Patty ' and ' Fred ' kissing each other and being as brother 
 and sister. Would that they were so ! How he kept near her 
 all the evening coming to her even when she was playing 
 chess with me, then singing with her, and playing her accompa 
 niments. She said that no one could play her accompaniments 
 like he could he had such good taste, and such a firm, delicate 
 touch. Then, when they talked about sketching, she said how 
 she had missed him, and that she had been reserving the view 
 from Brankham Law, in order that they might sketch it together. 
 Then he showed her his last drawings and they were beautiful. 
 What can I do against this ?" groaned poor Verdant, from under 
 the bed-clothes ; " he has accomplishments, and I have none ; 
 he has good looks, and I haven't ; he has a moustache and a pair 
 of whiskers, and I. have only a pair of spectacles ! I cannot 
 shine in society, and win admiration, like he does ; I have no 
 thing to offer her but my love. Lucky fellow ! he is worthier of 
 her than I am and I hope they will be very happy." At which 
 thought, Verdant felt highly the reverse, and went off into dis 
 mal dreams. 
 
 In the morning, when Miss Patty and her cousin were setting 
 out for the hill called Brankham Law, Verdant, who had re 
 treated to a garden-seat beneath a fine old cedar, was roused 
 from a very abstracted perusal of " The Dream of Fair Women," 
 by the apparition of one who, in his eyes, was fairer than them 
 all. 
 
 " I have been searching for you everywhere," said Miss Patty. 
 " Mamma said that you were not riding with the others, so I 
 knew that you must be somewhere about. I think I shall lock 
 up my Tennyson, if it takes you so much out of our society. 
 Won't you come up Brankham Law with Frank and me ?" 
 
 " Willingly if you wish it," answered Verdant, though with an 
 unwilling air ; " but of what use can I be ? Othello's occupation 
 is gone. Your cousin can fill my place much better than if I 
 were there." 
 
 " How very ungrateful you are !" said Miss Patty ; " you really 
 deserve a good scolding ! I allow you to watch me when I am 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN. 37 
 
 painting, in order that you may gain a lesson, and just when you 
 are beginning to learn something, then you give up. 'But, at 
 any rate, take Fred for your master, and come and Watch 1dm ; 
 he can draw. If you were to go to any of the great men to have 
 a lesson of them, all that they would do would be to paint before 
 you, and leave you to look on and pick up what knowledge you 
 could. I know that I cannot draw anything worth looking 
 at," 
 
 " Indeed, but " 
 
 " But Fred," continued Miss Patty, who was going at too 
 great a pace to be stopped, " but Fred is as good as many mas 
 ters that you would meet with ; so it will be an advantage to 
 you to come and look over him." 
 
 " I think I should prefer to look over you." 
 
 " Now you are paying compliments, and I don't like them. 
 But, if you will come, you will really be useful. You see I ara 
 mercenary in my wishes, after all. Here is Fred with a load of 
 sketching materials ; won't you take pity on him, and relieve 
 him of my share of his burden ?" 
 
 If I could take you off his hands, thought Verdant, I should 
 be better pleased. But Miss Patty won the day ; and Verdant 
 took possession of her sketching-block and drawing materials, and 
 set off with them to Brankham Law. 
 
 Frederick Delaval was a yachtsman, and owner of the Fleur- 
 de-lys, a cutter yacht, of fifty tons. Besides being inclined to 
 amateur nautical pursuits, he was also partial to an amateur 
 nautical costume ; and he further dressed the character of a 
 yachtsman by slinging round him his telescope, which was pro 
 tected from storms and salt water by a leathern case. This tele 
 scope was, in a moment, uncased and brought to bear upon every 
 body and everything, at every opportunity, in proper nautical 
 fashion, being used by him for distant objects as other people 
 would use an eyeglass for nearer things. And no sooner had 
 they arrived at the grassy plateau that marked the summit of 
 Brankham Law, than the telescope was unslung, and its proprie 
 tor swept the horizon for there was a distant view of the 
 ocean in search of the Fleur-de-lys. 
 
 " I am afraid," he said, " that we shall not be able to make 
 her out ; the distance is almost too great to distinguish her from 
 other vessels, although the whiteness of her sails would assist us 
 to a recognition. If the skipper got under way at the hour I 
 told him, he ought about this time to be rounding the headlanC 
 that you see stretching out yonder." 
 
38 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 " I think I see a white sail in that direction," said Miss Patty, 
 as she shaded her eyes with her hand, and looked out earnestly 
 in the required quarter. 
 
 " My dear Patty," laughed her cousin, " if you knew anything 
 of nautical matters, you would see that it was not a cutter yacht, 
 for she has more than one mast ; though, certainly, as you saw 
 her, she seemed to have but one, for she was just coming about r 
 and was in stays." 
 
 " In stays!" exclaimed Miss Patty; " why what singular ex 
 pressions you sailors have !" 
 
 " Oh yes !" said Frederick Delaval, " and some vessels have 
 waists like young ladies. But now I think I see the Fleur-de- 
 
 lys ! that gaff tops'l yard was never carried by a coasting vessel, 
 To be sure it is ! the skipper knows how to handle her ; and, if 
 the breeze holds, she will soon reach her port. Come and have a 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 39 
 
 look at her, Patty, while I rest the glass for you." So he 
 balanced it on his shoulder, while Miss Patty looked through 
 it with her one eye, and placed her fingers upon the other 
 after the manner of young ladies when they look through a tele 
 scope ; and then burst into such animated, but not thoughtful 
 observations, as " Oh ! I can see it quite plainly. Oh ! it is 
 rolling about so ! Oh ! there are two little men in it ! Oh! 
 one of them's pulling a rope ! Oh ! it all seems to be brought so 
 near !" as if there had been some doubt on the matter, and she 
 had expected the telescope to make things invisible. Miss Patty 
 was quite in childish delight at watching the Fleur-de-lys 1 move 
 ments, and seemed to forget all about the proposed sketch, 
 although Mr. Verdant Green had found her a comfortable rock 
 seat, and had placed her drawing materials ready for use. 
 
 "How happy and confiding they are!" he thought, as he 
 gazed upon them thus standing together ; " they seem to be 
 made for each other. He is far more fitted for her than I am. 
 I wonder if I shall ever see them after they are married. I shall 
 never be married." And, after this morbid fashion, the young 
 gentleman took a melancholy pleasure in arranging his future. 
 
 It was about this time that the divine afflatus which had 
 lain almost dormant since his boyish " Address to the Moon" 
 was again manifested in him by the production of numberless 
 poetical effusions, in which his own poignant anguish and Miss 
 Patty's incomparable attractions were brought forward in verses 
 of various degrees of mediocrity. They were also equally varied 
 in their style and treatment ; one being written in a fierce and 
 gloomy Byronic strain, while another followed the lighter 
 childish style of Wordsworth. To this latter class, perhaps, 
 belonged the following lines, which, having accidentally fallen 
 into the hands of Mr. Bouncer, were pronounced by him to be 
 " no end good ! first-rate fun !" for the little gentleman put a 
 highly erroneous construction upon them, and, to the great 
 laceration of the author's feelings, imagined them to be alto 
 gether of a comic tendency. Bat, when Mr. Verdant Green 
 wrote them, he probably thought that " deep meaning lieth oft in 
 childish play :" 
 
 " Pretty Patty Honeywood, 
 
 Fresh, and fair, and plump, 
 Into your affections 
 
 I should like to jump ! 
 Into your good graces 
 
 I should like to steal ; 
 That you lov'd me truly 
 
 I should like to feel. 
 
40 i'HE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 " Pretty Patty Honeywood, 
 
 You can little know 
 How my sea of passion 
 
 Unto you dolh flow ; 
 How it ever hastens, 
 
 With a swelling tide, 
 To its strand of happiness 
 
 At thy darling side. 
 
 " Pretty Patty Honeywood, 
 
 Would that you and I 
 Could ask the surpliced parson 
 
 Our wedding knot to tie ! 
 Oh ! my life of sunshine 
 
 Then would he hegun, 
 Pretty Patty Honeywood, 
 
 When you and I were one." 
 
 But by far his greatest poetical achievement was his "Legend 
 of the Fair Margaret," written in Spenserian metre, and com 
 menced at this period of his career, though never completed. 
 The plot was of the most dismal and intricate kind. The Fair 
 Margaret was beloved by two young men, one of whom (Sir 
 Frederico) was dark, and. (necessarily, therefore) as badly disposed 
 a young man as you would desire to keep out of your family 
 circle, and the other (Sir Verdour) was light, and (consequently) 
 as mild and amiable as any given number of maiden aunts could 
 wish. As a matter of course, therefore, the Fair Margaret per 
 versely preferred the dark Sir Frederico, who had poisoned her 
 ea-rs, and told her the most abominable falsehoods about the good 
 and innocent Sir Verdour ; when just as Sir Frederico was about 
 to forcibly carry away the Fair Margaret 
 
 Why, just then, circumstances over which Mr. Verdant Green 
 had no control, prevented the denouement, and the completion 
 of " the Legend." 
 
THE ADVENTURES OP ME. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 II R. VERDANT GKEEN JOINS A NORTHUMBERLAND PIC -NIC. 
 
 |OME weeks had passed away very 
 pleasantly to all pleasantly even 
 to Mr. Verdant Green; for, al 
 though he had not renewed his 
 apple-tree conversation with Miss 
 Patty, and was making progress 
 with his "Legend of the Fair 
 Margaret," yet it may possibly 
 have been that the exertion to 
 make " dove" rhyme with " love," 
 and "gloom" with "doom,"occu 
 pied his mind to the exclusion of 
 needless sorrow he contrived to 
 make himself mournfully amiable, 
 even if not tolerably happy, in the 
 society of the fair enchantress. 
 The Honeywood party were indeed a model household ; and 
 rode, and drove, and walked, and fished, and sketched, as a large 
 family of brothers and sisters might do perhaps with a little 
 more piquancy than is generally found in the home-made 
 dish. 
 
 They had had more than one little friendly pic-nic and ex 
 cursion, and had seen Warkworth, and grown excessively sen 
 timental in its hermitage ; they had lionised Alnwick, and gone 
 over its noble castle, and sat in Hotspur's chair, and fallen into 
 raptures at the Duchess's bijou of a dairy, and viewed the pillared 
 passant lion, with his tail blowing straight out (owing, probably, 
 to the breezy nature of his position), and seen the Duke's herd 
 of buffaloes tearing along their park with streaming manes ; and 
 they had gone back to Honeywood Hall, and received Honeywood 
 guests, and been entertained by them in return. 
 
 But the squire was now about to give a pic-nic on a large scale ; 
 sad as it was important, not only in its dimensions and prepara 
 tions, but also in bringing about an occurrence that in no small 
 degree affected Mr. Verdant Green's future life, it becomes his 
 
42 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 historian's duty to chronicle the event with the fulness that it 
 merits. The pic-nic, moreover, deserves mention because it 
 possessed an individuality of character, and was unlike the ordi 
 nary solemnities attending the pic-nics of every-day life. 
 
 In the first place, the party had to reach the appointed spot 
 which was Chillingham in an unusual manner. At least half 
 of the road that had to he traversed was impassable for carriages. 
 Bridgeless brooks had to be crossed ; and what were called 
 " roads" were little better than the beds of mountain torrents, and 
 in wet weather might have been taken for such. Deep channels 
 were worn in them by the rush of impetuous streams, and no 
 known carriage-springs could have lived out such ruts. Carriages, 
 therefore, in this part of the country, were out of the question, 
 The squire did what was usual on such occasions : he appointed, 
 as a rendezvous, a certain little inn at the extremity of the car 
 riageable part of the road, and there all the party met, and left 
 their chariots and horses. They then after a little preparatory 
 pic-nic, for many of them had come from long distances took 
 possession of certain wagons that were in waiting for them. 
 
 These wagons, though apparently of light build, were con 
 structed for the country, and were capable of sustaining the severe 
 test of the rough roads. Within them were lashed hay- sacks, 
 which, when covered with railway rugs, formed sufficiently com 
 fortable seats, on which the divisions of the party sat vis-d-vis, 
 like omnibus travellers. Frederick Delaval and a few others, on 
 horses and ponies, as outriders, accompanied the wagon procession, 
 which was by no means deficient in materials for the picturesque. 
 The teams of horses were turned out to their best advantage, and 
 decorated with flowers. The fore horse of each team bore his 
 collar of little brass bells, which clashed out a wild music as they 
 moved along. The ruddy-faced wagoners were in their shirt 
 sleeves, which were tied round with ribbons ; they had gay rib 
 bons also on their hats and whips, and did not lack bouquets and 
 flowers for the further adornment of their persons. Altogether 
 they were most theatrical-looking fellows, and appeared perfectly 
 prepared to take their places in the Sonnambula, or any other 
 opera in which decorated rustics have to appear and unanimously 
 shout their joy and grief at the nightly rate of two shillings per 
 head. The light summer dresses of the ladies helped to make 
 an agreeable variety of colour, as the wagons moved slowly 
 along the dark heathery hills, now by the side of a brawling 
 brook, and now by a rugged road. 
 
 The joltings of these same roads were, as little Mr. Bouncer 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 43 
 
 feelingly remarked, facts that must be felt to be believed. For, 
 when the wheel of any vehicle is suddenly plunged into a rut or 
 hole of a foot's depth, and from thence violently extracted with a 
 jerk, plunge, and wrench, to be again dropped into another hole 
 or rut, and withdrawn from thence in a like manner, and when 
 this process is being simultaneously repeated, with discordant 
 variations, by other three wheels attached to the self-same vehicle, 
 it will follow, as- a matter of course, that the result of this ex 
 periment will be the violent agitation and commingling of the 
 movable contents of the said vehicle ; and, when these contents 
 chance to take the semblance of humanity, it may readily be 
 imagined what must have been the scene presented to the view 
 
 as the pic-nic wagons, with their human freight, laboured through 
 the mountain roads that led towards Chillingham. But all this 
 only gave a zest to the day's enjoyment ; and, if Miss Patty Honey- 
 wood was unable to maintain her seat without assistance from 
 her neighbour, Mr. Verdant Green, it is not at all improbable 
 but that she approved of his kind attention, and that the other 
 young ladies who were similarly situated accepted similar atten 
 tions with similar gratitude. 
 
 In this way they literally jogged along to Chillingham, where 
 they alighted from their novel carriages and four, and then 
 leisurely made their way to the castle. When they had sufficiently 
 lionised it, and had strolled through the gardens, they went to 
 have a look at the famous wild cattle. Our Warwickshire friends 
 bad frequently had a distant view of them ; for the cattle kept 
 together in a herd, and as their park was on the slope of a dark 
 
41- THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 hill, they were visible from afar off as a moving white patch on 
 the landscape. On the present occasion they found that the cattle, 
 which numbered their full herd of about a hundred strong, were 
 quietly grazing on the border of their pine wood, where a few of 
 their fellow-tenants, the original red-deer, were lifting their 
 enormous antlers. From their position the pic-nic party were 
 \inable to obtain a very near view of them ; but the curiosity of 
 the young ladies was strongly excited, and would not be allayed 
 without a closer acquaintance with these formidable but beautiful 
 creatures. And it therefore happened that, when the courageous 
 Miss Bouncer proposed that they should make an incursion into 
 the very territory of the Wild Cattle, her proposition was not only 
 seconded, but was carried almost unanimously. It was iii vain 
 that Mr. Honeywood, and the seniors and chaperones of the party, 
 reminded the younger people of the grisly head they had just 
 seen hanging up in the lodge, and those straight sharp horns that 
 had gored to death the brave keeper who had risked his own life 
 to save his master's friend ; it was in vain that Charles Larkyns, 
 fearful for his Mary's sake, quoted the "Bride of Lammermoor," 
 and urged the improbability of another Master of Ravenswood 
 starting out of the bushes to the rescue of a second Lucy Ashton ; 
 it was in vain that anecdotes were told of the fury of these cattle, 
 how they would single out some aged or wounded companion, 
 and drive him out of the herd until he miserably died, and how 
 they would hide themselves for days within their dark pine-wood, 
 where no one dare attack them ; it was in vain that Mr. Verdant 
 Green reminded Miss Patty Honeywood of her narrow escape 
 from Mr. Roarer, and warned her that her then danger was now 
 increased a hundredfold ; all in vain, for Miss Patty assured him 
 that the cattle were as peaceable as they were beautiful, and that 
 they only attacked people in self-defence when provoked or mo 
 lested. So, as the young ladies were positively bent upon having 
 a nearer view of the milk-white herd, the greater number of the 
 gentlemen were obliged to accompany them. 
 
 It was no easy matter to get into the Wild Cattle's enclosure, 
 as the boundary fence was of unusual height, and the difficulty 
 of its being scaled by ladies was proportionately increased. 
 Nevertheless, the fence and the difficulty were alike surmounted, 
 and the party were safely landed within the park. They had 
 promised to obey Mr. Honeywood's advice, and to abstain from 
 that mill-stream murmur of conversation in which a party of 
 young ladies usually indulge, and to walk quietly among the 
 trees, across an angle of the park* at some two or three hundred 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 4i> 
 
 yards* distance from the herd, so as not to unnecessarily attract 
 their attention ; and then to scale the fence at a point higher up 
 the hill. Following this advice, they walked quietly across the 
 mossy grass, keeping behind trees, and escaping the notice of the 
 Cattle. They had reached midway in their proposed path, and, 
 with silent admiration, were watching the movements of the herd 
 as they placidly grazed at a short distance from them, when Miss 
 Bouncer, who was addicted to uncontrollable fits of laughter at 
 improper seasons, was so tickled at some sotto voce remark of 
 Frederick Delaval's, that she burst into a hearty ringing laugh, 
 which, ere she could smother its noise with her handkerchief, had 
 startled the watchful ears of the monarch of the herd. 
 
 The Bull raised his magnificent head, and looked round in the 
 direction from whence the disturbance had proceeded. As he 
 perceived it, he sniffed the air, made a rapid movement with his 
 pink-edged ears, and gave an ominous bellow. This signal awoke 
 the attention of the other bulls, their wives, and children, who 
 simultaneously left off grazing and commenced gazing. The 
 bovine monarch gave another bellow, stamped upon the ground, 
 lashed his tail, advanced about twenty yards in a threatening 
 manner, and then paused, and gazed fixedly upon the pic-nic 
 party and Miss Bouncer, who too late regretted her malapropos 
 laugh. 
 
 "For heaven's sake!" whispered Mr. Honeywood, "do not 
 speak ; but get to the fence as quietly and quickly as you can." 
 
 The young ladies obeyed, and forbore either to scream or faint 
 for the present. The Bull gave another stamp and bellow, and 
 made a second advance. This time he came about fifty yards 
 before he paused, and he was followed at a short distance, and at 
 a walking pace, by the rest of the herd The ladies retreated 
 quietly, the gentlemen came after them, but the park-fence 
 appeared to be at a terribly long distance, and it was evident 
 that if the herd made a sudden rush upon them, nothing could 
 save them unless they could climb the trees ; but this did not 
 seem very practicable. Mr. Verdant Green, however, caught at 
 the probability of such need, and anxiously looked round for the 
 most likely tree for his purpose. 
 
 The Bull had made another advance, and was gaining upon 
 them. It seemed curious that he should stand forth as the 
 champion of the herd, and do all the roaring and stamping, while 
 the other bulls remained mute, and followed with the rest of the 
 herd, yet so it was ; but there seemed no reason to disbelieve the 
 unpleasant fact that the monarch's example would be imitated by 
 
46 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 his subjects. The herd had now drawn so near, and the young 
 ladies had made such a comparatively slow retreat, that they 
 were yet many yards distant from the boundary fence, and it waf 
 quite plain that they could not reach it before the advancing 
 milk-white mass would be hurled against them. Some of the 
 young ladies were beginning to feel faint and hysterical, anrf 
 their alarm was more or less shared by all the party. 
 
 It was now, by Charles Larkyns's advice, that the more active 
 gentlemen mounted on to the lower branches of the wide-spread 
 ing trees, and, aided by others upon the ground, began to lift up 
 the ladies to places of security. But, the party being a large 
 one, this caring for its more valued but less athletic members 
 was a business that could not be transacted without the expendi 
 ture of some little time and trouble, more, as it seemed, than 
 could now be bestowed; for, the onward movement of the Chilling- 
 ham Cattle was more rapid than the corresponding upward move 
 ment of the Northumbrian pic-nickers. And, even if Charles 
 Larkyns's plan should have a favourable issue, it did not seem a 
 very agreeable prospect to be detained up in a tree, with a cen 
 tury of bulls bellowing beneath, until casual assistance should 
 arrive ; and yet, what was this state of affairs when compared 
 with the terrors of that impending fate from which, for some of 
 them at least, there seemed no escape? Mr. Verdant Green 
 fully realised the horrors of this alternative when he looked at 
 Miss Patty Honeywood, who had not yet joined those ladies who, 
 clinging fearfully to the boughs, and crouching among the 
 branches like roosting guinea-fowls, were for the present in com 
 parative safety, and out of the reach of the Cattle. 
 
 The monarch of the herd had now come within forty yards 
 distance, and then stopped, lashing his tail and bellowing defi 
 ance, as he appeared to be preparing for a final rush. Behind 
 him, in a dense phalanx, white and terrible, were the rest of the 
 herd. Suddenly, and before the Snowy Bull had made his 
 advance, Frederick Delaval, to the wondering fear of all, stepped 
 boldly forth to meet him. As has been said, he was one of the 
 equestrians of the party, and he carried a heavy-handled whip, 
 furnished with a long and powerful lash. He wrapped this lash 
 round his hand, and walked resolutely towards the Bull, fixing 
 his eyes steadily upon him. The Bull chafed angrily, and 
 stamped upon the ground, but did not advance. The herd, also, 
 were motionless; but their dark, lustrous eyes were centred 
 upon Frederick Delaval's advancing figure. The members of 
 the pic-nic party were also watching him with intense interest 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 47 
 
 if they could, they would have prevented his purpose ; for to all 
 appearance he was about to lose his own life in order that the 
 rest of the party might gain time to reach a place of safety. The 
 very expectation of this prevented many of the ladies availing 
 themselves of the opportunity thus so boldly purchased, and they 
 stood transfixed with terror and astonishment, breathlessly await 
 ing the result. 
 
 They watched him draw near the wild white Bull, who stood 
 there yet, foaming and stamping up the turf, but not advancing. 
 His huge horned head was held erect, and his mane bristled up, 
 as he looked upon the adversary who thus dared to brave him. 
 He suffered Frederick Delaval to approach him, and only be 
 trayed a consciousness of his presence by his heavy snorting, 
 angry lashing of the tail, and quick motion of his bright eye. 
 All this time the young man had looked the Bull steadfastly in 
 the front, and had drawn near him with an equal and steady 
 step. Suppressed screams broke from more than one witness of 
 his bravery, when he at length stood within a step of his huge 
 adversary. He gazed fixedly into the Bull's eyes, and, after a 
 moment's pause, suddenly raised his riding-whip, and lashed the 
 animal heavily over the shoulders. The Bull tossed round, and 
 roared with fury. The whole herd became agitated, and other 
 bulls trotted up to support their monarch. 
 
 Still looking him steadfastly in the eyes, Frederick Delaval 
 again raised his heavy whip, and .lashed him more severely than 
 before. The Wild Bull butted down, swerved round, and dashed 
 out with his heels. As he did so, Frederick again struck him 
 heavily with the whip, and, at the same time, blew a piercing 
 signal on the boatswain's whistle that he usually carried with 
 him. The sudden shriek of the whistle appeared to put the coup 
 de grace to the young man's bold attack, for the animal had no 
 sooner heard it than he tossed up his head and threw forward his 
 ears, as though to ask from whence the novel noise proceeded. 
 Frederick Delaval again blew a piercing shriek on the whistle ; 
 and when the Wild Bull heard it, and once more felt the sting 
 ing lash of the heavy whip, he swelled round, and with a bellow 
 of pain and fury trotted back to the herd. The young man blew 
 another shrill whistle, and cracked the long lash of his whip until 
 its echoes reverberated like so many pistol-shots. The Wild 
 Bull's trot increased to a gallop, and he and the whole herd of 
 the Chillingham Cattle dashed rapidly away from the pic-nic 
 party, and in a little time were lost to view in the recesses of 
 their forest. 
 
48 THE ADVENTURES OP MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 " Thank God ! " said Mr. Honeywood ; and it was echoed in 
 the hearts of all. But the Squire's emotion was too deep for 
 words, as he went to meet Frederick Delaval, and pressed him 
 by the hand. 
 
 " Get the women outside the park as quickly as possible," said 
 Frederick, " and I will join you." 
 
 But when this was done, and Mr. Honeywood had returned to 
 him, he found him lying motionless beneath the tree. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN HAS AN INKLING OF THE FUTURE. 
 
 r-"^* . .' . ' 1; i&" "~= g! ~- N ^* * VW AS" __ - 
 
 MONO other things that 
 Mr. Honeywood had 
 thoughtfully provided 
 for the pic-nic was a 
 flask of pale brandy, 
 which, for its better pre 
 servation, he had kepi 
 in his own pocket. This 
 was fortunate, as it en 
 abled the Squire to make 
 use of it for Frederick 
 Delaval's recovery. He 
 had fainted : his concentrated courage and 
 resolution had borne him bravely up to a 
 certain point, and then his overtaxed ener 
 gies had given way when the necessity for 
 their exertion was removed. When he had come to himself, ha 
 appeared to be particularly thankful that there had not been a 
 spectator of (what he deemed to be) his unpardonable foolish 
 ness in giving way to a weakness that he considered should be in 
 dulged in by none other than faint-hearted women; and. ho 
 earnestly begged the Squire to be silent on this little episode in 
 the day's adventure. 
 
 When they had left the Wild Cattle's park, and had joined 
 the rest of the party, Frederick Delaval received the hearty 
 thanks that he so richly deserved ; and this, with such an ex 
 uberant display of feminine gratitude as to lead Mr. Bouncer t 
 observe, that, if Mr. Delaval chose to take a mean advantage of 
 his position, he could have immediately proposed to two-thirds 
 of the ladies, without the possibility of their declining his offer : 
 at which remark Mr. Verdant Green experienced an uncom 
 fortable sensation, as he thought of the probable issue of events 
 if Mr. Delaval should partly act upon Mr. Bouncer's suggestion, 
 by selecting one young lady his cousin Patty and proposing 
 
50 THE ADVENTURES OF ME, VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 to her. This reflection became strengthened into a determina 
 tion to set the matter at rest, decide his doubts, and put an end 
 to his suspense, by taking the first opportunity to renew with 
 Miss Patty that most interesting apple-tree conversation that had 
 been interrupted by Mr. Bouncer at such a critical moment. 
 
 The pic-nic party, broken up into couples and groups, slowly 
 made their way up the hill to Ros Castle the doubly-intrenched 
 British fort on the summit where the dinner was to take place. 
 It was a rugged road, running along the side of the park, bounded 
 by rocky banks, and shaded by trees. It was tenanted as usual 
 by a Faw gang, a band of gipsies, whose wild and gay attire, 
 with their accompaniments of tents, carts, horses, dogs, and fires, 
 added picturesqueness to the scene. With the characteristic of 
 their race which appears to be a shrewd mixture of mendicity 
 and mendacity they at once abandoned their business of tinker 
 ing and peg-making ; and, resuming their other business of for 
 tune-telling and begging, they judiciously distributed themselves 
 among the various divisions of the pic-nic party. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green was strolling up the hill lost in medita 
 tion, and so inattentive to the wiles of Miss Eleonora Morkin, 
 and her sister Letitia Jane (two fascinating young ladies who 
 were bent upon turning the pic-nic to account), that they had left 
 him, and had forcibly attached themselves to Mr. Poletiss (a 
 soft young gentleman from the neighbourhood of Wooler), when 
 a gipsy woman, with a baby at her back and two children at her 
 heels, singled out our hero as a not unlikely victim, and began 
 at once to tell his fate, dispensing with the aid of stops : 
 
 "May the heavens rain blessings on your head my pretty 
 gentleman give the poor gipsy a piece of silver to buy her a bit for 
 the bairns and I can read by the lines in your face my pretty 
 gentleman that you're born to ride in a golden coach and wear 
 buckles of diemints and that your heart's opening like a flower to 
 help the poor gipsy to get her a trifle for her poor famishing 
 bairns that I see the tears of pity astanding like pearls in 
 your eyes my pretty gentleman and may you never know the 
 want of the shilling that I see you're going to give the poor gipsy 
 who will send you all the rich blessings of heaven if you will 
 but cross her hand with the bright pieces of silver that are not 
 half so bright as the sweet eyes of the lady that's awaiting and 
 athinking of you my pretty gentleman." 
 
 This unpunctuated exhortation of the dark-eyed prophetess 
 was here diverted into a new channel by the arrival of Miss 
 Patty Honey wood, who had left her cousin Frank, and had brought 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 51 
 
 her sketch-book to the spot where " the pretty gentleman " and 
 the fortune-teller were standing. 
 
 ' I do so want to draw a real gipsy," she said. * l I have never 
 yet sketched one ; and this is a good opportunity. These little 
 brownies of children, with their Italian faces and hair, are very 
 picturesque in their rags." 
 
 " Oh ! do draw them !" said Verdant enthusiastically, as he 
 perceived that the rest of the party had passed out of sight. " It 
 is a capital opportunity, and I dare say they will have no objection 
 to be sketched." 
 
 " May the heavens be the hardest bed you'll ever have to lie 
 on my pretty rosebud," said the unpunctuating descendant of John 
 Faa, as she addressed herself to Miss Patty ; " and you're welcome 
 to take the poor gipsy's pictur and to cross her hand with the 
 shining silver while she reads the stars and picks you out a prince 
 of a husband and twelve pretty bairns like the " 
 
 " No, no !" said Miss Patty, checking the gipsy in her boun 
 teous promises. " I'll give you something for letting me sketch 
 you, but I won't have my fortune told. I know it already ; at 
 
 least as much as I care to know." A speech which Mr. Verdant 
 Green interpreted thus: Frederick Delaval has propsed, and 
 has been accepted. 
 
 " Pray don't let me keep you from the rest of the party," said 
 Miss Patty to our hero, while the gipsy shot our fragments of 
 
52 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 persuasive oratory. " I can get on very well by myself." " She- 
 wants to get rid of me," thought Verdant. " I dare say her cousin 
 is coming back to her." But he said, "At any rate let me stay 
 until Mr. Delaval rejoins you/' 
 
 " Oh ! he is gone on with the rest, like a polite man. The 
 Miss Maxwells and their cousins were all by themselves." 
 
 " But you are all by yourself ; and, by your own showing, I 
 ought to prove my politeness by staying with you." 
 
 " I suppose that is Oxford logic," said Miss Patty, as she went 
 on with her sketch of the two gipsy children. " I wish these 
 small persons would stand quiet. Put your hands on your stick, 
 my boy, and not before your face. But there are the Miss. 
 Morkins, with one gentleman for the two ; and I dare say you 
 would much rather be with Miss Eleonora. Now, wouldn't 
 you ?" and the young lady, as she rapidly sketched the figures 
 before her, stole a sly look at the enamoured gentleman by her 
 side, who forthwith protested, in an excited and confused man 
 ner, that he would rather stand near her for one minute than 
 walk and talk for a whole day with the Miss Morkins; and 
 then, having made this (for him) unusually strong avowal, he 
 timidly blushed, and retired within himself. 
 
 " Oh yes ! I dare say," said Miss Patty ; " but I don't believe 
 in compliments. If you choose to victimise yourself by staying 
 here, of course you can do so. Look at me, little girl ; you 
 needn't be frightened ; I shan't eat you. And perhaps you can 
 be useful. I want some water to wash-in these figures ; and if 
 they were literally washed in it, it would be very much to their 
 advantage, wouldn't it ?" 
 
 Of course it would ; and of course Mr. Verdant Green was 
 delighted to obey the command. " What spirits she is in !" he 
 thought, as he dipped the little can of water into the spring. " I 
 dare say it is because she and her cousin Frederick have come to 
 an understanding." 
 
 '* If you are anxious to hear a fortune told," said Miss Patty, 
 " here is the old gipsy coming back to us, and you had better 
 let her tell yours." 
 
 " I am afraid that I know it." 
 
 " And do you like the prospect of it?" 
 
 "Not at all!" and as he said this Mr. Verdant Green's coun 
 tenance fell. Singularly enough, a shade of sadness also stole 
 over Miss Patty's sunny face. What could he mean ? 
 
 A somewhat disagreeable silence was broken by the gipsy 
 most volubly echoing Miss Patty's request. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 53 
 
 11 You had better let her tell you your fortune," said the young 
 lady ; *' perhaps it may be an improvement on what you ex 
 pected. And I shall be able to make a better sketch of her in 
 her true character of a fortune-teller." 
 
 Then, like as Martivalle inspected Quentin Durward's palm, 
 according to the form of the mystic arts which he practised, so 
 the swarthy prophetess opened her Book of Fate, and favoured 
 Mr. Verdant Green with choice extracts from its contents. First, 
 she told the pretty gentleman a long rigmarole about the stars, 
 and a planet that ought to have shone upon him, but didn't. 
 Then she discoursed of a beautiful young lady, with a heart as 
 full of love as a pomegranate was full of seeds, painting, in 
 pretty exact colours, a lively portraiture of Miss Patty, which 
 
 was no very difficult task, while the fair original was close at 
 hand ; nevertheless, the infatuated pretty gentleman was deeply 
 impressed with the gipsy narrative, and began to think that the prac 
 tice and knowledge of the occult sciences may, after all, have been 
 handed down to the modern representatives of the ancient Egyp 
 tians. He was still further impressed with this belief when the 
 gipsy proceeded to tell him that he was passionately attached to 
 the pomegranate-hearted young lady, but that his path of true 
 love was crossed by a rival a dark man. 
 
54 THE ADVENTURES OP MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 Frederick Delaval ! This is really most extraordinary ! thought 
 Mr. Verdant Green, \vho was not familiar with a fortune-teller's 
 stock in trade ; and he waited with some anxiety for the further 
 unravelling of his fate. 
 
 The cunning gipsy saw this, and broadly hinted that another 
 piece of silver placed upon the junction of two cross lines in the 
 pretty gentleman's right palm would materially propitiate the 
 stars, and assist in the happy solution of his fortune. When the 
 hint had been taken she pursued her romantie narrative. Her 
 elaborate but discursive summing-up comprehended the triumph 
 of Mr. Verdant Green, the defeat of the dark man, the marriage' 
 of the former to the pomegranate-hearted young lady, a yellow 
 carriage and four white horses with long tails, and, last but cer 
 tainly not least, a family of twelve children : at which childish 
 termination Miss Patty laughed, and asked our hero if that was 
 the fate that he had dreaded? 
 
 Her sketch being concluded, she remunerated her models so 
 munificently as to draw down upon her head a rapid series of the 
 most wordy and incoherent blessings she had ever heard, under 
 cover of which she effected her escape, and proceeded with her 
 companion to rejoin the others. They were not very far in ad 
 vance. The gipsies had beset them at divers points in their 
 progress, and had made no small number of them yield to their 
 importunities to cross their hands with silver. When the various 
 members of the pic-nic party afterwards came to compare notes 
 as to the fortunes that had been told them, it was discovered that 
 a remarkable similarity pervaded the fates of all, though their 
 destinies were greatly influenced by the amount expended in 
 crossing the hand ; and it was observable that the number of 
 children promised to bless the nuptial tie was also regulated by 
 a sliding-scale of payment the largest payers being rewarded 
 with the assurance of the largest families. It was also discovered 
 that the description of the favoured lover was invariably the 
 verbal delineation of the lady or gentleman who chanced to be at 
 that time walking with the person whose fortune was being told 
 a prophetic discrimination worthy of all praise, since it had the 
 pretty good security of being correct in more than one case, and 
 in the other cases there was the chance of the prophecy coming 
 true, hewever improbable present events would appear. Thus, 
 Miss Eleonora Morkin received, and was perfectly satisfied with, 
 a description of Mr. Poletiss ; while Miss Letitia Jane Morkin 
 was made supremely happy with a promise of a similarly-de 
 scribed gentleman ; until the two sisters had compared notes. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 55 
 
 when they discovered that the same husband had been promised 
 to both of them which by no means improved their sororal 
 amiability. 
 
 As Verdant walked up the hill with Miss Patty, he thought 
 very seriously on his feelings towards her, and pondered what 
 might be the nature of her feelings in regard to him. He be 
 lieved that she was engaged to her cousin Frederick. All her 
 little looks, and acts, and words to himself, he could construe as 
 the mere tokens of the friendship of a warm-hearted girl. If she 
 was inclined to a little flirtation, there was then an additional 
 reason for her notice of him. Then he thought that she was of 
 far too noble a disposition to lead him on to a love which she 
 could not, or might not wish to, return ; and that she would not 
 have said and done many little things that he fondly recalled, 
 unless she had chosen to show him that he was dearer to her 
 than a mere friend. 'Having ascended to the heights of happiness 
 by this thought, Verdant immediately plunged from thence into 
 the depths of misery, by calling to mind various other little things 
 that she had said and done in connection with her cousin ; and 
 he again forced himself into the conviction that in Frederick 
 Delaval he had a rival, and, what was more, a successful one. 
 He determined, before the day was over, to end his tortures of 
 suspense by putting to Miss Patty the plain question whether or 
 no she was engaged to her cousin, and to trust to her kindness 
 to forgive the question if it was an impertinent one. He was 
 unabls to do this for the present, partly from lack of courage, 
 and partly from the too close neighbourhood of others of the 
 party ; but he concocted several sentences that seemed to him 
 to be admirably adapted to bring about the desired result. 
 
 "How abstracted you are!" said Miss Patty to him rather 
 abruptly. " Why don't you make yourself agreeable ? For the 
 last three minutes you have not taken your eyes off Kitty." (She 
 was walking just before them, with her cousin Frederick.) " What 
 were you thinking about ?" 
 
 Perhaps it was that he was suddenly roused from deep thought, 
 and had no time to frame an evasive reply ; but at any rate Mr. 
 Verdant Green answered, " I was thinking that Mr. Delaval had 
 proposed, and had been accepted." And then he was frightened 
 at what he had said ; for Miss Patty looked confused and sur 
 prised. " I see that it is so," he sighed, and his heart sank 
 within him. 
 
 " How did you find it out?" she replied. " It is a secret for 
 the present ; and we do not wish any one to know of it." 
 
56 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 " My dear Patty," said Frederick Delaval, who had waited for 
 them to come up, " wherever have you been? We thought the 
 gipsies had stolen you. I am dying to tell you my fortune. I 
 was with Miss Maxwell at the time, and the old woman described 
 her to me as my future wife. The fortune-teller was slightly on 
 the wrong tack, wasn't she ?" So Frederick Delaval and the 
 Misses Honey wood laughed ; and Mr. Verdant Green also laughed 
 in a very savage manner ; and they all seemed to think it a very 
 capital joke, and walked on together in very capital spirits. 
 
 " My last hope is gone !" thought Verdant. " I have now 
 heard my fate from her own lips." 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 57 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN CROSSES THE RUBICON. 
 
 HE pic-nic dinner was laid 
 near to the brow of the 
 hill of Ros Castle, on 
 the shady side of the 
 park wall. In this cool 
 retreat, with the thick 
 summer foliage to screen 
 them from the hot sun, 
 they could feast undis 
 turbed either by the 
 Wild Cattle or the noon 
 day glare, and drink in 
 draughts of beauty from 
 the wide - spread land 
 scape beiore them. 
 
 The hill on which they 
 were seated was broken up into the most picturesque undula 
 tions ; here, the rock cropped out from the mossy turf ; there, 
 the blaeberries (the bilberries of more southern counties) clus 
 tered in myrtle-like bushes. The intrenched hill sloped down to 
 a rich plain, spreading out for many miles, traversed by the great 
 north road, and dotted over with hamlets. Then came a brown 
 belt of sand, and a broken white line of breakers ; and then the 
 sea, flecked with crested waves, and sails that glimmered in the 
 dreamy distance. Holy Island was also in sight, together with 
 the rugged Castle of Bamborough, and the picturesque groups of 
 the Staple and the Farn Islands, covered with sea-birds, and 
 circled with pearls of foam. 
 
 The immediate foreground presented a very cheering prospect 
 to hungry folks. The snowy table-cloth held down upon the 
 grass by fragments of rock against the surprise of high winds 
 was dappled over with loins of lamb, and lobster salads, and 
 pigeon-pies, and veal cakes, and grouse, and game, and ducks, 
 and cold fowls, and ruddy hams, and helpless tongues, and cool 
 
58 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 cucumbers, and pickled salmon, and roast-beef of old England, 
 arid oyster patties, and venison pasties, and all sorts of pastries 
 and jellies, and custards, and ice : to say nothing of piles of 
 peaches, and nectarines, and grapes, and melons, and pines. 
 Everything had been remembered even the salt, and the knives 
 and forks, which are usually forgotten at alfresco entertainments. 
 All this was very cheering, and suggestive of enjoyment and 
 creature comforts. Wines and humbler liquids stood around ; 
 and, for the especial delectation of the ladies, a goodly supply of 
 champagne lay cooling itself in some ice-pails, under the tilt of 
 the cart that had brought it. This cart-tilt, draped over with 
 loose sacking, formed a very good imitation of a gipsy tent, that 
 did not in the least detract from the rusticity of the scene, more 
 especially as close behind it was burning a gipsy fire, surmounted 
 by a triple gibbet, on which hung a kettle, melodious even then, and 
 singing through its swan-like neck an intimation of its readiness 
 to aid, at a moment's notice, in the manufacture of whisky-toddy. 
 The dinner was a very merry affair. The gentlemen vied with 
 the servants in attending to the wants of the ladies, and were 
 assiduous in the duties of cutting and carving ; while the sharp 
 popping of the champagne, and the heavier artillery of the pale 
 ale and porter bottles, made a pleasant fusillade. Little Mr. 
 Bouncer was especially deserving of notice. He sat with his 
 legs in the shape of the letter V inverted, his legs being forced 
 
 ftr 
 
 to retain their position from the fact of three dishes of various 
 dimensions being arranged between them in a diminuendo pass 
 age. These three dishes he vigorously attacked, not only on his 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN. 59 
 
 own account, but also on behalf of his neighbours, more especi 
 ally Miss Fanny Green, who reclined by his side in an oriental 
 posture, and made a table of her lap. The disposition of the 
 rest of the dramatis persona was also noticeable, as also their 
 positions their sitting a la Turk or tailor, and their degages 
 attitudes and costumes. Charles Larkyns had got by Mary 
 Green; Mr. Poletiss was placed, sandwich-like, between the 
 two Miss Morkins, who were both making love to him at once ; 
 Frederick Delaval was sitting in a similar fashion between the two 
 Miss Honeywoods, who were not, however, both making love to 
 him at once ; and on the other side .of Miss Patty was Mr. Ver 
 dant Green. The infatuated young man could not drag himself 
 away from his conqueror. Although, from her own confession, he 
 had learnt what he had many times suspected that Frederick 
 Delaval had proposed and had been accepted yet he still felt a 
 pleasure in burning his wings and fluttering round his light of 
 love. "An affection of the heart cannot be cured at a moment's 
 notice,'* thought Verdant; "to-morrow I will endeavour to begin 
 the task of forgetting to-day, remembrance is too recent ; besides, 
 every one is expected to enjoy himself at a pic-nic, and I must 
 appear to do the same." 
 
 But it did not seem as though Miss Patty had any intention of 
 allowing those in her immediate vicinity to betake themselves to 
 the dismals, or to the produce of wet-blankets, for she was in the 
 very highest spirits, and insisted, as it were, that those around 
 her should catch the contagion of her cheerfulness. And it 
 accordingly happened that Mr. Verdant Green seemed to be as 
 merry as was old King Cole, and laughed and talked as though 
 black care was anywhere else than between himself and Miss 
 Patty Honeywood. 
 
 Close behind Miss Patty was the gipsy-tent-looking cart-tilt ; 
 and when the dinner was over, and there was a slight change of 
 places, while the fragments were being cleared away and the des 
 sert and wine were being placed on the table that is to say, the 
 cloth Miss Patty, under pretence of escaping from a ray of sun 
 shine that had pierced the trees and found its way to her face, 
 retreated a yard or so, and crouched beneath the pseudo gipsy- 
 teat. And what so natural but that Mr. Verdant Green should 
 also find the sun disagreeable, and should follow his light of love, 
 to burn his wings a little more, and flutter round her fascinations ? 
 At any rate, whether natural or no, Verdant also drew back a yard 
 or so, and found himself half within the cart-tilt, and very close 
 to Miss Patty. 
 
60 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 The pic-nic party were stretched at their ease upon the grass, 
 drinking wine, munching fruit, talking, laughing, and flirting, 
 with the hlue sea before them and the bluer sky above them, 
 when said the squire in heroic strain, " Song alone is wanting to 
 crown our feast ! Charles Larkyns, you have not only the face 
 of a singer, but, as we all know, you have the voice of one. I 
 therefore call upon you to set our minstrels an example ; and, as 
 a propitiatory measure, I beg to propose your health, with eulo 
 gistic thanks for the song you are about to sing !" Which was 
 unanimously seconded amid laughter and cheers ; and the pop of 
 the champagne bottles gave Charles Larkyns the key-note for his 
 song. It was suited to the occasion (perhaps it was composed for 
 it ?), being a paean for a pic-nic, and it stated (in chorus) 
 
 " Then these aids to success 
 
 Should a pic-nic possess 
 For the cup of its joy to he brimming : 
 Three things there should shine 
 Fair, agreeable, and fine 
 The Weather, the Wine, and the Women !" 
 
 A. rule of pic-nics which, if properly worked out, could not fail to 
 answer. 
 
 Other songs followed ; and Mr. Poletiss, being a young gentle 
 man of a meek appearance and still meeker voice, lyrically in 
 formed the company that " Oh! he was a pirate bold, The scourge 
 of the wide, wide sea, With a murd'rous thirst for gold, And a 
 life that was wild and free !" And when Mr. Poletiss arrived at 
 this point, he repeated the last word two or three times over just 
 as if he had been King George the Third visiting Whitbread's 
 Brewery 
 
 " Grains, grains !" said majesty, " to fill their crops ? 
 Grains, grains! that comes from hops yes, hops, hops, hops !" 
 
 So Mr. Poletiss sang, "And a life that was wild and free, free, 
 free, And a life that was wild and free." To this charming lyric 
 there was a chorus of, " Then hurrah for the pirate bold, And 
 hurrah for the rover wild, And hurrah for the yellow gold, And 
 hurrah for the ocean's child !" the mild enunciation of which 
 highly moral and appropriate chant appeared to give Mr. Poletiss 
 great satisfaction, as he turned his half-shut eyes to the sky, and 
 fashioned his mouth into a smile. Mr. Bouncer's love for a 
 chorus was conspicuously displayed on this occasion ; and Miss 
 Eleonora and Miss Letitia Jane Morkin added their feeble trebles 
 
THE ADVENTURES OP MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 61 
 
 to the hurrahs with which Mr. Poletiss, in his George the Third 
 fashion, meekly hailed the advantages to be derived from a pirate 3 
 
 career. 
 
 But what was Mr. Verdant Green doing all this time ? The 
 sunbeam had pursued him, and proved so annoying that he had 
 found it necessary to withdraw altogether into the shade of the 
 pseudo gipsy-tent. Miss Patty Honeywood had made such room 
 for him that she was entirely hidden from the rest of the party 
 by the rude drapery of the tent. By the time that Mr. Poletiss 
 had commenced his piratical song, Miss Patty and Verdant were 
 deep in a whispered conversation. It was she who had started 
 the conversation, and it was about the gipsy and her fortune- 
 telling. 
 
 Just when Mr. Poletiss had given his first imitation of King 
 George, and was mildly plunging into his hurrah chorus, Mr. 
 Verdant Green whose timidity, fears, and depression of spirits 
 had somewhat been dispelled and alleviated by the allied powers 
 of Miss Patty and the champagne was speaking thus : "And do 
 you really think that she was only inventing, and that the dark 
 man she spoke of was a creature of her own imagination ?" 
 
 44 Of course !" answered Miss Patty; "you surely don't believe 
 that she could have meant any one in particular, either in the 
 gentleman's case or in the lady's ?" 
 
 " But, in the lady's, she evidently described you" 
 
 " Very likely ! just as she would have described any other 
 young lady who might have chanced to be with you : Miss Mor 
 ton, for example. The gipsy knew her trade." 
 
62 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 "Many true words are spoken in jest. Perhaps it was not 
 altogether idly that she spoke ; perhaps I did care for the lady 
 she described." 
 
 The sunbeam must surely have penetrated through the tent's 
 coarse covering, for both Miss Patty and Mr. Verdant Green 
 were becoming very hot hotter even than they had been under 
 the apple-tree in the orchard. Mr. Poletiss was all this time 
 giving his imitations of George the Third, and lyrically express 
 ing his opinion as to the advantages to be derived from the 
 profession of a pirate ; and, as his song was almost as long as 
 " Chevy Chase," and mainly consisted of a chorus, which was 
 energetically led by Mr. Bouncer, there was noise enough made 
 to drown any whispered conversation in the pseudo gipsy-tent. 
 
 " But," continued Verdant, *' perhaps the lady she described 
 did not care for me, or she would not have given all her love to 
 the dark man." 
 
 " I think," faltered Miss Patty, " the gipsy seemed to say that 
 the lady preferred the light man. But you do not believe what 
 she told you ?" 
 
 " I would have done so a few days ago if it had been repeated 
 by you." 
 
 " I scarcely know what you mean." 
 
 " Until to-day I had hoped. It seems that I have built my 
 hopes on a false foundation, and one word of yours has crumbled 
 them into the dust!" 
 
 This pretty sentence embodied an idea that he had stolen from 
 his own Legend of the Fair Margaret. He felt so much pride 
 in his property that, as Miss Patty looked slightly bewildered and 
 remained speechless, he reiterated the little quotation about his 
 crumbling hopes. 
 
 " Whatever can I have done," said the young lady, with a 
 smile, " to cause such a ruin ?" 
 
 " It caused you no pain to utter the words," replied Verdant ; 
 " and why should it ? but, to me, they tolled the knell of my 
 happiness." (This was another quotation from his Legend.) 
 
 " Then hurrah for the pirate bold, And hurrah for the rover 
 wild !" sang the meek Mr. Poletiss. 
 
 Miss Patty Honeywood began to suspect that Mr. Verdant 
 Green had taken too much champagne ! 
 
 '* What do you mean ?" she said. " Whatever have I said or 
 done to you that you make use of such remarkable expressions ?" 
 
 " And hurrah for the yellow gold, And hurrah for the ocean's 
 child !" chorussed Messrs, Poletiss, Bouncer, and Co. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 63 
 
 Looking as sentimental as his spectacles would allow, Mr. 
 Verdant Green replied in verse 
 
 ' ' Hopes that once we've loved to cherish 
 May fade and droop, but never perish ! ' 
 
 as Shakspeare says." (Although he modestly attributed this senti 
 ment tc the Swan of Avon, it was, nevertheless, another quota 
 tion from his own Legend.) " And it is my case / cannot 
 forget the Past, though you may !" 
 
 " Really you are as enigmatical as the Sphinx 1" said Miss 
 Patty, who again thought of Mr. Verdant Green in connection 
 with champagne. *' Pray condescend to speak more plainly, for 
 I was never clever at finding out riddles." 
 
 " And have you forgotten what you said to me, in reply to a 
 question that I asked you, as we came up the hill ?" 
 
 " Yes, I have quite forgotten. I dare say I said many foolish 
 things ; but what was the particular foolish thing that so dwells 
 on your mind ?" 
 
 " If it is so soon forgotten, it is not worth repeating." 
 
 " Oh, it is ! Pray* gratify my curiosity. I am sorry my bad 
 memory should have given you any pain." 
 
 " It was not your bad memory, but your words." 
 
 " My bad words ?" 
 
 "No, not bad; but words that shut out a bright future, and 
 changed my life to gloom." (The Legend again.) 
 
 Miss Patty looked more perplexed than ever ; while Mr. Pole- 
 
64 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 tiss politely filled up the gap of silence with an imitation of King 
 George the Third. 
 
 " I really do not know what you mean," said Miss Patty. < If 
 I have said or done anything that has caused you pain, I can 
 assure you it was quite unwittingly on my part, and I am very 
 sorry for it ; but, if you will tell me what it was, perhaps I may 
 he able to explain it away, and disabuse your mind of a false 
 impression." 
 
 " I am quite sure that you did not intend to pain me," replied 
 Verdant ; " and I know that it was presumptuous in me to think 
 as I did. It was scarcely probable that you would feel as I felt ; 
 and I ought to have made up my mind to it, and have borne my 
 sufferings with a patient heart." (The Legend again!) "And 
 yet when the shock does come, it is very hard to be borne." 
 
 Miss Patty's bright eyes were dilated with wonder, and she 
 again thought of Mr. Verdant Green in connection with cham 
 pagne. Mr. Poletiss was still taking his pirate through all sorts 
 of flats and sharps, and chromatic imitations of King George. 
 
 " But, what is this shock ?" asked Miss Patty. " Perhaps I 
 can relieve it ; and I ought to do so if it came through my 
 means." 
 
 " You cannot help me," said Verdant. " My suspicions were 
 confirmed by your words, and they have sealed my fate." 
 
 ' But you have not yet told me what those words were, and I 
 must really insist upon knowing," said Miss Patty, who had begun 
 to look very seriously perplexed. 
 
 " And, can you have forgotten !" was the reply. "Do you not 
 remember, that, as we came up the hill, I put a certain question 
 to you about Mr. Delaval having proposed and having been 
 accepted ?" 
 
 " Yes ! I remember it very well ! And, what then ?" 
 
 "And, what then !" echoed Mr. Verdant Green, in the greatest 
 wonder at the young lady's calmness ; " what then ! why, when 
 you told me that he had been accepted, was not that sufficient for 
 me to know ? to know that all my love had been given to one 
 who was another's, and that all my hopes were blighted ! was 
 not this sufficient to crush me, and to change the colour of my 
 life?" And Verdant's face showed that, though he might be 
 quoting from his Legend, he was yet speaking from his heart. 
 
 "Oh! I little expected this!" faltered Miss Patty, in real 
 grief ; " I little thought of this. Why did you not speak sooner 
 to some one to me, for instance and have spared yourself 
 this misery ? If you had been earlier made acquainted with Fre- 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 65 
 
 derick's attachment, you might then have checked your own. I 
 did not ever dream of this ! " And Miss Patty, who had turned 
 pale, and trembled with agitation, could not restrain a tear. 
 
 " It is very kind of you thus to feel for me ! " said Verdant ; 
 " and all I ask is, that you will still remain my friend." 
 
 t; Indeed, I will. And I am sure Kitty will always wish to be 
 the same. She will be sadly grieved to hear of this ; for, I 
 can assure you that she had no suspicion you were attached to 
 her." 
 
 " Attached to HER ! " cried Verdant, with vast surprise. 
 " What ever do you mean ? " 
 
 " Have you not been telling me of your secret love for her ?" 
 answered Miss Patty, who again turned her thoughts to the 
 champagne. 
 
 " Love for her ? No ! nothing of the kind." 
 
 " What! and not spoken about your grief when I told you that 
 Frederick Delaval had proposed to her, and had been accepted?" 
 
 ** Proposed to her ? " cried Verdant, in a kind of dreamy swoon. 
 
 " Yes ! to whom else do you suppose he would propose ? " 
 
 "Toyow/" 
 
 -TOME!'' 
 
 " Yes, to you ! Why, have you not been telling me that you 
 were engaged to him ? " 
 
 " Telling you that I was engaged to Fred ! " rejoined Miss 
 Patty. "Why, what could put such an idea into your head? 
 Fred is engaged to Kitty. You asked me if it was not so ; and I 
 told you, yes, but that it was a secret at present. Why, then 
 of whom were you talking ? " 
 
 " Of you ! " 
 
 "OfWf" 
 
 " Yes, of you ! " And the scales fell from the eyes of both, 
 and they saw their mutual mistake. 
 
 There was a silence, which Verdant was the first to break. 
 
 " It seems that love is really blind. I now perceive how we 
 have been playing at cross questions and crooked answers. When 
 I asked you about Mr. Delaval, my thoughts were wholly of you, 
 and I spoke of you, and not of your sister, as you imagined ; and 
 I fancied that you answered not for your sister, but for yourself. 
 When I spoke of my attachment, it did not refer to your sister, 
 but to you." 
 
 " To me ? " softly said Miss Patty, as a delicious tremor stole 
 over her. 
 
66 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 f> To you, and to you alone," answered Verdant. The great 
 stumbling-block of his doubts was now removed, and his way lay 
 clear before him. Then, after a momentary pause to nerve his 
 determination, and without further prelude, or beating about the 
 bush, he said, " Patty my dear Miss Honeywood I love you ! 
 do you love me ? " 
 
 There it was at last ! The dreaded question over which he 
 had passed so many hours of thought, was at length spoken. 
 The elaborate sentences that he had devised for its introduction, 
 had all been forgotten ; and his artificial flowers of oratory had 
 been exchanged for those simpler blossoms of honesty and truth 
 "I love you do you love me?" He had imagined that he 
 should put the question to her when they were alone in some 
 quiet room ; or, better still, when they were wandering together 
 in some sequestered garden walk or shady lane ; and, now, here 
 he had unexpectedly, and undesignedly, found his opportunity at 
 a pic-nic dinner, with half a hundred people close beside him, and 
 his ears assaulted with a songster's praises of piracy and murder. 
 Strange accompaniments to a declaration of the tender passion ! 
 But, like others before him, he had found that there was no such 
 privacy as that of a crowd the fear of interruption probably 
 adding a spur to determination, while the laughter and busy talk 
 ing of others assist to M up awkward pauses of agitation in the 
 converse of the loving couple. 
 
 Despite the heat, Miss Patty's cheeks paled for a moment, as 
 Verdant put to her that question, " Do you love me ? " Then a 
 deep blush stole over them, as she whispered " I do." 
 
 What need for more ? what need for pressure of hands or lips, 
 and vows of love and constancy ? What need even lor the elder 
 and more desperate of the Miss Morkius to maliciously suggest 
 that Mr. Poletiss who had concluded, amid a great display of 
 approbation (probably because it was concluded) his mild piratical 
 chant, and his imitations of King George the Third should call 
 upon Mr. Verdant Green, who, as she understood, was a very 
 good singer ? " And, dear me ! where could he have gone to, when 
 he was here just now, you know ! and, good gracious ! why there 
 he was, under the cart-tilt and well, I never was so surprised 
 Miss Martha Honeywood with him, flirting now, I dare say ? 
 shouldn't you think so ? " 
 
 No need for this stroke of generalship ! No need for Miss 
 Letitia Jane Morkin to prompt Miss Fanny Green to bring her 
 "brother out of his retirement. No need for Mr. Frederick Delavaj 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 67 
 
 to say " I thought you were never going to slip from your moor 
 ings ! " Or for little Mr. Bouncer to cry, " Yoicks ! unearthed at 
 last ! " No need for anything, save the parental sanction to the 
 newly-formed engagement. Mr. Verdant Green had proposed, 
 and had been accepted ; and Miss Patty Honeywood could ex 
 claim with Schiller's heroine, " Ich habe gelebt und geliebet I v 
 I have lived, and have loved I * 
 
65 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 KR. VERDANT GREEN ASKS PAPA. 
 
 TSS MORKIN met with her re- 
 ward before many hours. The 
 pic-nic party were on their way 
 home, and had reached within a 
 short distance of the inn where 
 their wagons had to be exchanged 
 for carriages. It has been men 
 tioned that, among the difficulties 
 of the way, they had to drive 
 through bridgeless brooks ; and 
 one of these was not half-a-mile 
 distant from the inn. 
 
 It happened that the mild Mr. Poletiss was seated at the tail 
 end of the wagon, next to the fair Miss Morkin, who was laying 
 violent siege to him, with a battery of words, if not of charms. If 
 the position of Mr. Poletiss, as to deliverance from his fair foe, 
 was a difficult one, his position, as to maintaining his seat during 
 the violent throes and tossings to and fro of the wagon, was even 
 more difficult; for Mr. Poletiss's mildness of voice was surpassed 
 by his mildness of manner, and he was far too timid to grasp at 
 the side of the wagon by placing his arm behind the fair Miss 
 Morkin, lest it should be supposed that he was assuming the 
 privileged position of a partner in a valse. Mr. Poletiss, therefore, 
 whenever they jolted through ruts or brooks, held on to his hay 
 hassock, and preserved his equilibrium as best he could. 
 
 On the same side of the wagon, but at its upper and safer end, 
 was seated Mr. Bouncer, who was not slow to perceive that a very 
 slight accident would destroy Mr. Poletiss's equilibrium ; and the 
 little gentleman's fertile brain speedily concocted a plan, which 
 he forthwith communicated to Miss Fanny Green, who sat next 
 to him. It was this : that when they were plunging through 
 the brook, and every one was swaying to and fro, and was thrown 
 off their balance, Mr. Bouncer should take advantage of the 
 critical moment, and (by accident, of course !) give Miss Fanny 
 Green a heavy push ; this would drive her against her next 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN. 6& 
 
 neighbour, Miss Patty Honeywood ; who, from the recoil, would 
 literally be precipitated into the arms of Mr. Verdant Green, who 
 would be pushed against Miss Letitia Jane Uorkin, who would 
 be driven against her sister, who would be propelled against Mr. 
 Poletiss, and thus give him that coup de grace, which, as Mr. 
 Bouncer hoped, would have the effect of quietly tumbling him 
 out of the wagon, and partially ducking him in the brook. " It 
 won't hurt him," said the little gentleman; " it'll do him good. 
 The brook ain't deep, and a bath will be pleasant such a day as 
 this. He can dry his clothes at the inn, and get some steaming 
 toddy, if he's afraid of catching cold. And it will be such a lark 
 to see him in the water. Perhaps Miss Morkin will take a header, 
 and plunge in to save him ; and he will promise her his hand, 
 and a medal from the Humane Society ! The wagon will be 
 sure to give a heavy lurch as we come up out of the brook, and 
 what so natural as that we should all be jolted against each 
 other?" It is not necessary to state whether or no Miss Fanny 
 Green seconded or opposed Mr. Bouncer's motion ; suffice it to 
 say that it was carried out. 
 
 They had reached the brook. Miss Morkin was exclaiming, 
 " Oh, dear ! here's another of those dreadful brooks the last, I 
 hope, for I always feel so timid at water, and I never bathe at the 
 sea-side without shutting my eyes and being pushed into it by 
 the old woman and, my goodness ! here we are, and I feel con 
 vinced that we shall all be thrown in by those dreadful wagoners, 
 who are quite tipsy I'm sure don't you think so, Mr. Poletiss? " 
 
 But, ere Mr. Poletiss could meekly respond, the horses had 
 been quickened into a trot, the wagon had gone down into the 
 brook through it and was bounding up the opposite side 
 everybody was holding tightly to anything that came nearest to 
 hand when, at that fatal moment, little Mr. Bouncer gave the 
 preconcerted push, which was passed on, unpremeditatedly, from, 
 one to another, until it had gained its electrical climax in the 
 person of Miss Morkin, who, with a shriek, was propelled against 
 Mr. Poletiss, and gave the necessary momentum that toppled him 
 from the wagon into the brook. But, dreadful to relate, Mr. 
 Bouncer's practical joke did not terminate at this fixed point. 
 Mr. Poletiss, in the suddenness of his fall, naturally struck out 
 at any straw that might save him ; and the straw that he caught 
 was the dress of Miss Morkin. She being at that moment off 
 her balance, and the wagon moving rapidly at an angle of 45, 
 was unable to save herself from following the example of Mr. 
 Poletiss, and she also toppled over into the brook. A third 
 
70 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 victim would have been added to Mr. Bouncer's list, had not Mr 
 Verdant Green, with considerable presence of mind, plucked 
 Miss Letitia Jane Morkin from the violent hands that her sister 
 was laying upon her, in making the same endeavours after safety 
 that had been so futilely employed by the luckless Mr. Poletiss. 
 No sooner had he fallen with a splash into the brook, than 
 Miss Eleonora Morkin was not only after but upon him. This 
 was so far fortunate for the lady, that it released her with only a 
 partial wetting, and she speedily rolled from off her submerged 
 companion on to the shore ; but it rendered the ducking of Mr. 
 Poletiss a more complete one, and he scrambled from the brook, 
 dripping and heavy with wet, like an old ewe emerging from a 
 sheep-shearing tank. The wagon had been immediately stopped, 
 and Mr. Bouncer and the other gentlemen had at once sprung 
 down to Miss Morkin 's assistance. Being thus surrounded by a 
 male body-guard, the young lady could do no less than go into 
 hysterics, and fall into the nearest gentleman's arms, and as this 
 
 gentleman was little Mr. Bouncer he was partially punished for 
 his practical joke. Indeed, he afterwards declared that a severe 
 cold which troubled him for the next fortnight was attributable to 
 his having held in his arms the damp form of the dishevelled 
 naiad. On her recovery which was effected by Mr. Bouncer 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 71 
 
 giving way under his burden, and lowering it to the ground she 
 utterly refused to be again carried in the wagon : and, as walking 
 was perhaps better for her under the circumstances, she and Mr. 
 Poletiss were escorted in procession to the inn hard by, where 
 dry changes of costume were provided for them by the landlord^ 
 and his fair daughter. 
 
 As this little misadventure was believed by all, save the privi 
 leged few, to have been purely the result of accident, it was not 
 permitted, so Mr. Bouncer said, to do as Miss Morkin had done 
 by him throw a damp upon the party ; and as the couple who 
 had taken a watery bath met with great sympathy, they had no 
 reason to complain of the incident. Especially had the fair Miss 
 Morkin cause to rejoice therein, for the mild Mr. Poletiss had to 
 make her so many apologies for having been the innocent cause 
 of her fall, and, as a reparation, felt bound to so particularly 
 devote himself to her for the remainder of the evening, that Miss 
 Morkin was in the highest state of feminine gratification, and 
 observed to her sister, when they were preparing themselves for 
 rest, " I am quite sure, Letitia Jane, that the gipsy woman 
 
 spoke the truth, and could read the stars and whatclyecallems 
 as easy as a i) c. She told me that I should be married to a man 
 with light whiskers and a soft voice, and that he would come to 
 me from over the water ; and it's quite evident that she referred 
 to Mr. Poletiss and his falling into the brook ; and I'm sure if 
 he'd have had a proper opportunity he'd have said something 
 definite to-night." So Miss Eleonora Morkin laid her head upon 
 
72 THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 her pillow, and dreamt of bride-cake and wedding-favours. Per 
 haps another young lady under the same roof was dreaming the 
 same thing ! 
 
 A ball at Honey wood Hall terminated the pleasures of the day. 
 The guests had brought with them a change of garments, and 
 ?were therefore enabled to make their reappearance in evening 
 costume. This quiet interval for dressing was the first moment 
 that Verdant could secure for sitting down by himself to think 
 over the events of the day. As yet the time was too early for 
 him to reflect calmly on the step he had taken. His brain was 
 in that kind of delicious stupor which we experience when, having 
 "been aroused from sleep, we again shut our eyes for a moment's 
 doze. Past, present, and future were agreeably mingled in his 
 fancies. One thought quickly followed upon another ; there was 
 no dwelling upon one special point, but a succession of crowding 
 feelings chased rapidly through his mind, all pervaded by that 
 sunny hue that shines out from the knowledge of love returned. 
 
 He could not rest until he had told his sister Mary, and made 
 her a sharer in his happiness. He found her just without the 
 door, strolling up and down the drive with Charles Larkyns, so 
 he joined them ; and, as they walked in the pleasant cool of the 
 evening down a shady walk, he stammered out to them, with 
 many blushes, that Patty Honeywood had promised to be his 
 wife. 
 
 " Cousin Patty is the very girl for you ! " said Charles Lar 
 kyns, " the very best choice you could have made. She will trim 
 you up and keep you tight, as old Tennyson hath it. For what 
 says the fat-faced curate Edward Bull ?' 
 
 tt * I take it, God made the woman for the man 
 And for the good and increase of the world. 
 A pretty face is well, and this is well, 
 To have a dame indoors, that trims us up 
 And keeps us tight.' 
 
 1 Verdant, you are a lucky fellow to have won the love of such 
 a. good and honest-hearted girl, and if there is any room left to 
 mould you into a better fellow than what you are, Miss Patty is 
 the very one for the modeller." 
 
 At the same time that he was thus being congratulated on his 
 good fortune and happy prospects, Miss Patty was making a 
 similar confession to her mother and sister, and receiving the like 
 good wishes. And it is probable that Mrs. Honeywood made no 
 delay in communicating this piece of family news to her liege 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 73 
 
 lord and master ; for when, half an hour afterwards, Mr. Verdant 
 Green had screwed up his courage sufficiently to enable him to 
 request a private interview with Mr. Honeywood in the library, 
 the Squire most humanely relieved him from a large load of 
 embarrassment, and checked the hems and hums and haws that 
 our hero was letting off like squibs, to enliven his conversation, 
 by saying, " I think I guess the nature of your errand to ask 
 my consent to your engagement with my daughter Martha? 
 Am I right?" 
 
 And so, by this grateful helping of a very lame dog over a very 
 difficult stile, the diplomatic relations and circumlocutions that 
 are usually observed at horrible interviews of this description 
 were altogether avoided, and the business was speedily brought to 
 a satisfactory termination. 
 
 When Mr. Verdant Green issued from the library, he felt 
 himself at least ten years older and a much more important per 
 son than when he had entered it, so greatly is our bump of self- 
 esteem increased by the knowledge that there is a being in 
 existence who holds us dearer than aught else in the whole wide 
 world. But not even a misogynist would have dared to assert 
 that, in the present instance, love \vas but an excess of self-love ; 
 for if ever there was a true attachment that honestly sprang from 
 the purest feelings of the heart, it was that which existed between 
 Miss Patty Honeywood and Mr. Verdant Green. 
 
 What need to dwell further on the daily events of that happy 
 time ? What need to tell how the several engagements of the 
 two Miss Honeywoods were made known, and how, with Miss 
 Mary Green and Mr. Charles Larkyns, there were thus three 
 bond fide " engaged couples " in the house at the same time, to 
 say nothing of what looked like an embryo engagement between 
 Miss Fanny Green and Mr. Bouncer ? But if this last-named 
 attachment should come to anything, it would probably be owing 
 to the severe aggravation which the little gentleman felt on 
 continually finding himself de trop at some scene of tender sen 
 timent. 
 
 If, for example, he entered the library, its tenants, perhaps, 
 would be Verdant and Patty, who would be discovered, with 
 agitated expressions, standing or sitting at intervals of three 
 yards, thereby endeavouring to convey to the spectator the idea 
 that those positions had been relatively maintained by them up 
 to the moment of his entering the room, an idea which the spec 
 tator invariably rejected. When Mr. Bouncer had retired with 
 figurative Eastern apologies from the library, he would perhaps 
 
74 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 enter the drawing-room, there to find that Frederick Delaval and 
 Miss Kitty Honeywood had sprung into remote positions (as 
 certain bodies rebound upon contact), and were regarding him as 
 an unwelcome intruder. Thence, with more apologies, he would 
 betake himself to the breakfast- room, to see what was going on 
 in that quarter, and there he would flush a third brace of be- 
 trotheds, a proceeding that was not much sport to either party. 
 It could hardly be a matter of surprise, therefore, if Mr. Bouncer 
 should be seized with the prevailing epidemic, and, from the 
 circumstances of his position, should be driven more than he 
 might otherwise have been into Miss Fanny Green's society. 
 And though the little gentleman had no serious intentions in all 
 this, yet it seemed highly probable that something might come 
 of it, and that Mr. Alfred Brindle (whose attentions at the 
 Christmas charade-party at the Manor Green had been of so 
 marked a character) would have to resign his pretensions to Miss 
 Fanny Green's hand in favour of Mr. Henry Bouncer. 
 
 But it is needless to describe the daily lives of these betrothed 
 couples how they rode, and sketched, and walked, and talked, 
 and drove, and fished, and shot, and visited, and pic-nic'd 
 how they went out to sea in Frederick Delaval's yacht, and were 
 overtaken by rough weather, and became so unromantically ill 
 that they prayed to be put on shore again how, on a chosen 
 day, when the sea was as calm as a duckpond, they sailed from 
 Bamborough to the Longstone, and nevertheless took provisions 
 with them for three days, because, if storms should arise, they 
 might have found it impossible to put back from the island to 
 the shore ; but how, nevertheless, they were altogether fortunate, 
 and had not to lengthen out their pic-nic to such an uncomfort 
 able extent and how they went over the Lighthouse, and talked 
 about the brave and gentle Grace Darling ; and how that hand 
 some, grey-headed old man, her father, showed them the presents 
 that had been sent to his daughter by Queen, and Lords, and 
 Commons, in token of her deed of daring ; and how he was garru 
 lous about them and her, with the pardonable pride of a 
 
 " fond old man, 
 Fourscore and upward," 
 
 who had been the father of such a daughter. It is needless to 
 detail all this ; let us rather pass to the evening of the day pre 
 ceding that which should see the group of visitors on their way 
 back to Warwickshire. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDAN ? T GREEN. t 5 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green and Miss Patty Honeywood have been ' 
 taking a farewell after-dinner stroll in the garden, and have now 
 wandered into the deserted breakfast-room, under the pretence of 
 finding a water-colour drawing of Honeywood Hall, that the young 
 lady had made for our hero. 
 
 " Now, you must promise me," she said to him, " that you will 
 take it to Oxford." 
 
 " Certainly, if I go there again. But " 
 " But, sir ! but I thought you had promised to give up to me 
 on that point. You naughty boy ! if you already bveak your 
 promises in this way, who knows but what you will forget your 
 promise to remember me when you have gone away from here ? " 
 Mr. Verdant Green here did what is usual in such cases. He 
 kissed the young lady, and said, " You silly little woman ! as 
 though I could forget you ! " et cetera, et cetera. 
 " Ah ! I don't know," said Miss Patty. 
 Mr. Verdant Green repeated the kiss and the et ceteras. 
 " Very well, then, I'll believe you," at length said Miss Patty. 
 " But I won't love you one bit unless you'll faithfully promise 
 that you will go back to Oxford. Whatever would be the use of 
 your giving up your studies ? " 
 
 " A great deal of use ; we could be married at once." 
 " Oh no, we couldn't. Papa is quite firm on this point. You 
 know that he thinks us much too young to be married." 
 
 " But," pleaded our hero, " if we are old enough to fall in love, 
 surely we must be old enough to be married." 
 
 " Oxford logic again, I suppose," laughed Miss Patty, " but it 
 won't persuade papa, nevertheless. I am not quite nineteen, you 
 know, and papa has always said that I should never be married 
 until I was one-and-twenty. By that time you will have done 
 with college and taken your degree, and I should so like to know 
 that you have passed all vour examinations, and are a Bachelor 
 of Arts." 
 
 " But," said Verdant, " I don't think I shall be able to pass. 
 Examinations are very nervous affairs, and suppose I should be 
 plucked. You wouldn't like to marry a man who had disgraced 
 himself." 
 
 "Do you see that picture?" asked Miss Patty; and she 
 directed Verdant's attention to a small but exquisite oil-painting 
 by Maclise. It was in illustration of one of Moore's melodies, 
 *' Come, rest in this bosom, my own stricken deer ! " The lover 
 had fallen upon one knee at his mistress's feet, and was locked 
 in her embrace. With a look of fondest love she had pillowed 
 
76 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 his head upon her bosom, as if to assure him, " Though the herd 
 have all left thee, thy home it is here." 
 
 ; ' Si li niillllll!!ll:li:iiiii',iii<i. 'Inv^n ^,-rrrrnrm 
 
 ' Do you see that picture ?" asked Miss Patty. " I would do 
 as she did. If all others rejected you yet would I never. You 
 would still find your homo here," and she nestled fondly to his 
 side. 
 
 " But," she said, after one of those delightful pauses which 
 lovers know so well how to fill up, " you must not conjure up 
 such silly fancies. Charles has often told me how easily you 
 passed your Little-go, isn't it called ? and he says you will 
 have no trouble in obtaining your degree." 
 
 " But two years is such a tremendous time to wait," urged our 
 hero, who, like all lovers, was anxious to crown his happiness 
 without much delay. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN. 77 
 
 " If you are resolved to think it long," said Miss Patty ; " but 
 it will enable you to tell whether you really like me. You might, 
 you know, marry in haste, and then have to repent at leisure." 
 
 And the end of this conversation was, that the fair special- 
 pleader gained her cause, and that Mr. Verdant Green consented 
 to return to Oxford, and not to dream of marriage until two years 
 had passed over his head. 
 
 The next night he slept at the Manor Green, Warwickshire. 
 
73 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF Mil VEEDANT GliEEN. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 ME. VERDANT GREEN IS MADE A MASON. 
 
 R. VERDANT GREEN and Mr. 
 Bouncer were once more in Oxford, 
 and on a certain morning had turned 
 into the coffee-room of " The Mitre " 
 to "do bitters," as Mr. Bouncer 
 phrased the act of drinking bitter beer, when 
 said the little gentleman, as he dangled his 
 legs from a table, 
 
 " Giglamps, old feller ! you ain't a mason." 
 " A mason ! of course not." 
 " And why do you say ' of course not ' ? " 
 " Why, what would be the use of it ? " 
 " That's what parties always say, my tulip. 
 Be a mason, and then you'll soon see the use of it." 
 " But I am independent of trade." 
 
 "Trade? Oh, I twig. My gum, Giglamps! you'll be the 
 death of me some fine day. I didn't mean a mason with a hod 
 of mortar ; he'd be a hod-fellow, don't you see ? there's a fine 
 old crusted joke for you I meant a mason with a petticut, a 
 freemason. 1 ' 
 
 " Oh, a freemason. Well, I really don't seem to care much 
 about being one. As far as I can see, there's a great deal of 
 mystery and very little use in it." 
 
 *' Oh, that's because you know nothing about it. If you were 
 a mason you'd soon see the use of it. For one thing, when you 
 go abroad you'd find it no end of a help to you. If you'll stand 
 another tankard of beer I'll tell you an apropos tale." 
 
 So when a fresh supply of the bitter beverage had been ordered 
 and brought, little Mr. Bouncer, perched upon the table, and 
 dangling his legs, discoursed as follows : 
 
 " Last Long, Billy Blades went on to the continent, and in the 
 course of his wanderings he came across some gentlemen who 
 turned out to be bandits, although they wern't dressed in tall hats 
 and ribbons, and scarves, and watches, and velvet sit-upons, like 
 you see them in pictures and at theatres ; but they were rough 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN. 79 
 
 customers for all that, and they laid hands upon Master Billy, 
 and politely asked him for his money or his life. Billy wasn't 
 inclined to give them either, but he was all alone, with nothing 
 but his knapsack and a stick, for it was a frequented road, and 
 he had no idea that there were such things as banditti in exist 
 ence. Well, as you're aware, Giglamps, Billy's a modern Her 
 cules, with an unusual development of biceps, and he not only 
 sent out left and right, and gave them a touch of Hammer Lane 
 and the Putney Pet combined, but he also applied his shoemaker 
 to another gentleman's tailor with considerable effect. However, 
 this didn't get him kudos, or mend matters one bit ; and, after 
 being knocked about much more than was agreeable to his feel 
 ings, he was forced to yield to superior numbers. They gagged 
 and blindfolded him, formed him into a procession, and marched 
 him off; and when in about half-an-hour they again let him have 
 the use of his eyes and tongue, he found himself in a rude hut, 
 with his banditti friends around him. They had pistols, and 
 poniards, and long knives, with which they made threatening 
 demonstrations. They had cut open his knapsack and tumbled 
 out its contents, but not a sou could they find; for Billy, I should 
 have told you, had left the place where he was staying, for a few 
 days' walking tour, and he had only taken what little money he 
 required ; of this he had one or two pieces left, which he gave 
 them. But it wouldn't satisfy the beggars, and they signified to 
 him for you see, Giglamps, Billy didn't understand a quarter of 
 their lingo that he must fork out with his tin unless he wished 
 to be forked into with their steel. Pleasant position, wasn't it ? " 
 
 " Extremely." 
 
 " Well, they searched him, and when they found that they 
 really couldn't get anything more out of him, they made him 
 understand that he must write to some one for a ransom, and 
 that he wouldn't be released until the money came. Pleasant 
 again, wasn't it?" 
 
 " Excessively. But what has all this to do with freemasonry ?" 
 
 " Giglamps, you're as bad as a girl who peeps at the end of a 
 novel before she begins to read it. Drink your beer, and let me 
 tell my tale in my own way. Well, now we come to volume the 
 third, chapter the last. Master Billy found that there was 
 nothing for it but to obey orders, so he sent off a note to his 
 banker, stating his requirements. As soon as this business was 
 transacted, the amiable bandits turned to pleasure, and produced 
 a bottle of wine, of which they politely asked Billy to partake. He 
 thought at first that it might be poison, and he wasn't very far 
 
80 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 wrong, for it was most villanous stuff. However, the other fel 
 lows took to it kindly, and got more amiable than ever over it ; so 
 
 much so that they offered Billy one of his own weeds, and they 
 all got very jolly, and were as thick as thieves. Billy made him 
 self so much at home he's a beggar that can always adapt 
 himself to circumstances that at last the chief bandit proposed 
 his health, and then they all shook hands with him. Well, now 
 comes the moral of my story. When the captain of the bandits 
 was drinking Billy's health in this flipper-shaking way, it all at 
 once occurred to Billy to give him the masonic grip. I must not 
 tell you what it was, but he gave it, and, lo and behold ! the 
 bandit returned it. Both Billy and the bandit opened their eyes 
 pretty considerably at this. The bandit also opened his arms 
 and embraced his captive ; and the long and short of it was that 
 he begged Billy's pardon for the trouble and delay they had 
 caused him, returned him his money and knapsack, and all the 
 weeds that were not smoked, set aside the ransom, and escorted 
 him back to the high road, guaranteeing him a free and unmo 
 lested passage if he should come that way again. And all this 
 because Billy was a mason ; so you see, Giglamps, what use it is 
 to a feller. Bat," said Mr. Bouncer, as he ended his tale, 
 "talking's monstrously dry work. So, I looks to-wards you, 
 Giglamps ! 10 which, if you wish to do the correct thing, you 
 should reply * I likewise bows ! ' " And, little Mr. Bouncer, 
 
THE ADVENTURES OP MR. VERDANT GREEN. 81 
 
 winking affably to his friend, raised the silver tankard to his lips, 
 and kept it there for the space of ten seconds. 
 
 " I suppose," said Verdant, " that the real moral of your story 
 is, that I must become a freemason, because I might travel 
 abroad and be attacked by a scamp who was also a freemason. 
 Now, I think I had better decline joining a society that numbers 
 banditti among its members." 
 
 " Oh, but that was an exceptional case. I dare say, if the truth 
 was known, Billy's friend had once been a highly respectable 
 party, and had paid his water-rate and income-tax like any other 
 civilised being. But all masons are not like Billy's friend, and 
 the more you know of them the more you'll thank me lor having 
 advised you to join them. But it isn't altogether that. Every 
 Oxford man who is really a man is a mason, and that, Giglamps, 
 is quite a sufficient reason why you should be one." 
 
 So Verdant said, Very well, he had no objection; and little 
 Mr. Bouncer promised to arrange the necessary preliminaries. 
 What these were will be seen if we advance the progress of events 
 a few days later. 
 
 Messrs. Bouncer, Blades, Fcote, and Flexible Shanks who 
 were all masons, and could affix to their names more letters than, 
 members of far more learned societies could do had undertaken 
 that Mr. Verdant Green's initiation into the mysteries of tho 
 craft should be altogether a private one. Verdant felt that this 
 was exceedingly kind of them ; for, if it must be confessed, he 
 had adopted the popular idea that the admission of members was 
 in some way or other connected with the free use of a red-hot 
 poker, and though he was reluctant to breathe his fears on this 
 point, yet he looked forward to the ceremony with no little dread. 
 He was therefore immensely relieved when he found that, by the 
 kindness of his friends, his initiation would not take place in the 
 presence of the assembled members of the Lodge. 
 
 For a week Mr. Verdaait Green was benevolently left to pon 
 der and speculate on the ceremonial horrors that would attend 
 his introduction to the mysteries of freemasonry, and by the 
 appointed day he had worked himself into such a state of nervous 
 excitement that he was burning more with the fever of apprehen 
 sion than that of curiosity. There was no help for him, how 
 ever; he had promised to go through the ordeal, whatever it 
 might be, and he had no desire to be laughed at for having 
 abandoned his purpose through fear. 
 
 The Lodge of Cemented Bricks, of which Messrs. Bouncer and 
 Co. had promised to make Mr. Verdant Green a member, occu 
 
 G 
 
82 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 pied spacious rooms in a certain large house in a certain small 
 street not a hundred miles from the High Street. The ascent to 
 the Lodge-room, which was at the top of the house, was by a 
 rather formidable flight of stairs, up which Mr. Verdant Green 
 tremblingly climbed, attended by Mr. Bouncer as his fidus 
 Achates. The little gentleman, in that figurative Oriental lan 
 guage to which he was so partial, considerately advised his friend 
 to keep up his pecker and never say die ; but his exhortation of 
 " Now, don't you be frightened, Giglamps, we shan't hurt you 
 more than we can help," only increased the anguish of our hero's 
 sensations ; and when at the last he found himself at the top of the 
 stairs, and before a door which was guarded by Mr. Foote, who 
 held a drawn sword, and was dressed in unusually full masonic 
 costume, and looked stern and unearthly in the dusky gloom, he 
 turned back, and would have made his escape had he not been 
 prevented by Mr. " Footelights' " naked weapon. Mr. Bouncer 
 had previously cautioned him that he must not in any way evince 
 a recognition of his friends until the ceremonies of the initiation 
 were completed, and that the infringement of this command 
 would lead to his total expulsion from his friends' society. Mr. 
 Bouncer had also told him that he must not be surprised at 
 anything that he might see or hear; which, under the circum 
 stances, was very seasonable as well as sensible advice. Mr. 
 Verdant Green, therefore, submitted to his fate, and to Mr. 
 Footelights' drawn sword. 
 
 " The first step, Giglamps," whispered Mr. Bouncer, " is the 
 blindfolding ; the next is the challenge, which is in Coptic, the 
 original language, you know, of the members of the first Lodge of 
 Cemented Bricks. Swordbearer and Deputy Past Pantile Foote 
 will do this for you. I must go and put my things on. Re 
 member, you mustn't recognise me when you come into the Lodge. 
 Adoo, Samiwel ! keep your pecker up." Mr. Verdant Green 
 wrung his friend's hand, pocketed his spectacles, and submitted 
 to be blindfolded. 
 
 Mr. Footelights then took him by the hand, and knocked three 
 times at the door. A voice, which Verdant recognised as that of 
 Mr. Blades, inquired, " Kilaricum luricum tweedlecurn twee?" 
 
 To which Mr. Footelights replied, " Astrakansa siphonia bos- 
 trukizon ! " and laid the cold steel blade against Mr. Verdant 
 Green's cheek in a way which made that gentleman shiver. 
 
 Mr. Blades' voice then said, " Swordbearer and Deputy Past 
 Pantile, pass in the neophyte who seeks to be a Cemented Brick ;" 
 and Mr. Verdant Green was thereupon guided into the room. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 83 
 
 " Gropelos toldery lol ! remove the handkerchief," said the 
 voice of Mr. Blades. 
 
 The glare from numerous wax-lights, reflected as it was from 
 polished gold, silver, and marble, affected Mr. Verdant Green's 
 bandaged eyes, and prevented him for a time from seeing any 
 thing distinctly, but on Mr. Foote motioning to him that he 
 might resume his spectacles, he was soon enabled by their aid to 
 survey the scene. Around him stood Mr. Bouncer, Mr. Blades, 
 Mr. Flexible Shanks, and Mr. Foote. Each held a drawn and 
 gleaming sword ; each wore aprons, scarves, or mantles ; each 
 was decorated with mystic masonic jewellery; each was silent 
 and preternaturally serious. The room was large and was fur 
 nished with the greatest splendour, but its contents seemed 
 strange and mysterious to our hero's eyes. 
 
 " Advance the neophyte ! Oodiny dulipy sing ! " said Mr. 
 Blades, who walked to the other end of the room, stepped upon 
 a dais, ascended his throne, and laid aside the sword for a sceptre. 
 Mr. Foote and Mr. Flexible Shanks then took Mr. Verdant 
 Green by either shoulder, and escorted him up the room with 
 their drawn swords turned towards him, while Mr. Bouncer fol 
 lowed, and playfully prodded him in the rear. 
 
 In the front of Mr. Blades' throne there was a species of altar, 
 of which the chief ornaments were a large sword, a skull and 
 cross-bones, illuminated by a great wax light placed in a tall 
 silver candlestick. Silver globes and pillars stood upon the dais 
 on either side of the throne ; and luxuriously- velveted chairs and 
 rows of seats were ranged around. Before the altar-like erection 
 a small funereal black and white carpet was spread upon the 
 black and white lozenged floor; and on this carpet were arranged 
 the following articles : a money chest, a ballot box (very like 
 Miss Bouncer's Camera), two pairs of swords, three little mallets, 
 and a skull and cross-bones the display of which emblems of 
 mortality confirmed Mr. Verdant Green in his previously-formed 
 opinion, that the Lodge-room was a veritable chamber of horrors, 
 and he would willingly have preferred a visit to that " lodge in 
 some vast wilderness/' for wliich the poet sighed, and to have 
 foregone all those promised benefits that were to be derived from 
 Fremasonry. 
 
 But wishing could not save him. He had no sooner arrived 
 in front of the skull and cross-bones than the procession halted, 
 and Mr. Blades, rising from his throne, said, " Let the Sword- 
 bearer and Deputy Past Pantile, together with the Provincial 
 Grand Mortar-board, do their duty! Ramohun roy azalea 
 
84 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 tong! Produce the poker! Past Grand Hodman, remain on 
 guard ! " 
 
 Mr. Foote and Mr. Flexible Shanks removed their hands and 
 swords from Mr. Verdant Green, and walked solemnly down the 
 room, leaving little Mr. Bouncer standing beside our hero, and 
 holding the drawn sword above his head. Mr. Foote and Mr. 
 Flexible Shanks returned, escorting between them the poker. 
 It was cold ! that was a relief. But how long was it to remain 
 so? 
 
 " Past Grand Hodman ! " said Mr. Blades, " instruct the 
 neophyte in the primary proceedings of the Cemented Bricks." 
 
 At Mr. Bouncer's bidding, Mr. Verdant Green then sat down 
 upon the lozenged floor, and held his knees with his hands. Mr. 
 Flexible Shanks then brought to him the poker, and said, 
 " Tetrao urogallus orygometra crex ! " The poker was then, by 
 the assistance of Mr. Foote, placed under the knees and over the 
 arms of Mr. Verdant Green, who thus sat like a trussed fowl, 
 and equally helpless. 
 
 " Recite to the neophyte the oath of the Cemented Bricks ! " 
 said Mr. Blades. 
 
 "Ramphastidinae toco scolopendra tinnunculus cracticornis 
 bos ! " exclaimed Mr. Flexible Shanks. 
 
 " Do you swear to obey through fire and water, and bricks and 
 mortar, the words of this oath ? " asked Mr. Blades from his 
 throne. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 85 
 
 ' You must say, I do ! " whispered Mr. Bouncer to Mr. Ver 
 dant Green, who accordingly muttered the response. 
 
 "Let the oath be witnessed and registered by Swordbearer 
 and Deputy Past Pantile, Provincial Grand Mortar-board, and 
 Past Grand Hodman ! " said Mr. Blades ; and the three gentle 
 men thus designated stood on either side of and behind Mr. 
 Verdant Green, and, with theatrical gestures, clashed their 
 swords over his head. 
 
 *' Keemo kimo lingtum nipcat ! let him rise," said Mr. Blades ; 
 and the poker was thereupon withdrawn from its position, and 
 Mr. Verdant Green, being untrussed, but somewhat stiff and 
 cramped, was assisted upon his legs. 
 
 He hoped that his troubles were now at an end ; but this 
 pleasing delusion was speedily dispelled, by Mr. Blades saying 
 " The next part of the ceremonial is the delivery of the red-hot 
 poker. Let the poker be heated ! " 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green went chill with dread as he watched the 
 terrible instrument borne from the room by Mr. Foote and Mr. 
 Flexible Shanks, while Mr. Bouncer resumed his guard over him 
 with the drawn sword. All was quiet save a smothered sound 
 from the other side of the door, which, under other circumstances, 
 Verdant would have taken for suppressed laughter ; but, the 
 solemnity of the proceedings repelled the idea. 
 
 At length the poker was brought in, red-hot and smoking, 
 whereupon Mr. Blades left his throne and walked to the other end 
 of the room, and there took his seat upon a second throne, before 
 which was a second altar, garnished as Mr. Verdant Green soon 
 
86 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 perceived, to his horror and amazement with a human head (or 
 the representation of one) projecting from a black cloth that con 
 cealed the neck, and, doubtless, the marks of decapitation. Its 
 ghastly features were clearly displayed by the aid of a wax light 
 placed in a tall silver candlestick by its side. 
 
 Mr. Bkdes received the poker from Mr. Foote, and commanded 
 the neophyte to advance. Mr. Verdant Green did so, and took 
 up a trembling position to the left of the throne, while Mr. Foote 
 and Mr. Flexible Shanks proceeded to the organ, which was to 
 the right of the entrance door. Mr. Blades then delivered the 
 poker to Mr. Verdant Green, who, at first, imagined that he was 
 required to seize it by its red-hot end, but was greatly relieved 
 in his mind when he found that he had merely to take it by the 
 handle, and repeat (as well as he could) a form of gibberish that 
 Mr. Blades dictated. Having done this he was desired to transfer 
 the poker to the Past Grand Hodman Mr. Bouncer. 
 
 He had just come to the joyful conclusion that the much dreaded 
 poker portion of the business was now at an end, when Mr. Blades 
 ruthlessly cast a dark cloud over his gleam of happiness, by say 
 ing 4i The next part of the ceremony will be the branding with 
 the red-hot poker. Let the organist call in the aid of music to 
 drown the shrieks of the victim ! " and, thereupon, Mr. Foote 
 struck up (with the full swell of the organ) a heart-rending air 
 that sounded like "the cries of the wounded " from the Battle of 
 Prague. 
 
 Now, it happened that little Mr. Bouncer like his sister was 
 subject to uncontrollable fits of laughter at improper seasons. For 
 the last half-hour he had suffered severely from the torture of 
 suppressed mirth, and, now, as he saw Mr. Verdant Green's 
 climax of fright at the anticipated branding, human nature could 
 not longer bear up against an explosion of merriment, and Mr. 
 Bouncer burst into shouts of laughter, and, with convulsive sobs, 
 flung himself upon the nearest seat. His example was conta 
 gious ; Mr. Blades, Mr. Foote, and Mr. Flexible Shanks, one 
 after another, joined in the roar, and relieved their pent-up feel 
 ings with a rush of uproarious laughter. 
 
 At the first Mr. Verdant Green looked surprised, and in doubt 
 whether or no this was but a part of the usual proceedings attend 
 ant upon the initiation of a member into the Lodge of Cemented 
 Bricks. Then the truth dawned upon him, and he blushed up 
 to his spectacles. 
 
 " Sold again, Giglamps ! " shouted little Mr. Bouncer. " I 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 8? 
 
 didn't think we could carry out the joke so far. I wonder if this 
 \vill be hoax the last for Mr. Verdant Green ? " 
 
 "I hope so indeed ! " replied our hero; " for I have no wish to 
 continue a Freshman all through my college life. But I'll give 
 you full liberty to hoax me again if you can." And Mr. Ver 
 dant Green joined good-humouredly in the laughter raised at his 
 own expense. 
 
 Not many days after this he was really made a Mason ; although 
 the Lodge was not that of the Cemented Bricks, or the forms of 
 initiation those invented bv his four friends. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEK. 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN BREAKFASTS WITH MR. BOUNCER, AND ENTERS 
 FOR A GRIND. 
 
 ciO ITTLE Mr. Bouncer had aban 
 doned his intention of obtaining 
 a licet migrare to " the Tavern," 
 and had decided (the Dons being 
 propitious) to remain at Brazen 
 face, in the nearer neighbour 
 hood of his friends. He had resumed his 
 reading for his degree ; and, at various odd times, 
 and in various odd ways, he crammed himself for his 
 forthcoming examination with the most confused and 
 confusing scraps of knowledge. He was determined, he said, " to 
 stump the examiners." 
 
 One day, when Mr. Verdant Green had come from morning 
 chapel, and had been refreshed by the perusal of an unusually 
 long epistle from his charming Northumbrian correspondent, he 
 betook himself to his friend's rooms, and found the little gentle 
 man notwithstanding that he was expecting a breakfast party 
 still luxuriating in bed. His curly black wig reposed on its block 
 on the dressing table, and the closely shaven skull that it daily 
 decorated shone whiter than the pillow that it pressed ; for 
 although Mr. Bouncer considered that night-caps might be worn 
 by " long-tailed babbies," and by " old birds that were as bald as 
 coots," yet, he, being a young bird though not a baby 
 declined to ensconce his head within any kind of white covering, 
 after the fashion of the portraits of the poet Cowper. The small- 
 ness of Mr. Bouncer's dormitory caused his wash-hand-stand to 
 be brought against his bed's head ; and the little gentleman had 
 availed himself of this conveniency, to place within the basin a 
 blubbering, bubbling, gurgling hookah, from which a long stern 
 curled in vine-like tendrils, until it found a resting place in Mr. 
 Bouncer's mouth. The little gentleman lay comfortably propped 
 on pillows, with his hands tucked under his head, and his knees 
 crooked up to form a rest for a manuscript book of choice 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 89 
 
 4 * crams," that had been gleaned by him from those various fields 
 of knowledge from which the true labourer reaps so rich and ripe 
 a store. Huz and Buz reposed on the counterpane, to complete 
 this picture of Reading for a Pass. 
 
 " The top o' the morning to you, Giglamps ! " he said, as ha 
 saluted his friend with a volley of smoke a salute similar as to 
 the smoke, but superior, in the absence of noise and slightness of 
 expense, to that which would have greeted Mr. Verdant Green's 
 approach had he been of the royal blood " here I am ! sweating 
 away, as usual, for that beastly examination." (It was a popular 
 fallacy with Mr. Bouncer, that he read very hard and very regu 
 larly.) " I thought I'd cut chapel this morning, and coach up 
 for my Divinity paper. Do you know who Hadassah was, old 
 feller?" 
 
 " No ! I never heard of her." 
 
 " Ha! you may depend upon it, those are the sort of questions 
 that pluck a man ; " said Mr. Bouncer, who thought as others 
 like him have thought that the getting up of a few abstruse proper 
 names would be proof sufficient for a thorough knowledge of the 
 -whole subject. "But I'm not going to let them gulph me a 
 second time; though, they ought not to plough a man who's been 
 at Harrow, ought they, old feller ? " 
 
 " Don't make bad jokes." 
 
 ' So I shall work well at these crams, although, of course, I 
 
90 THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 shall put on my examination coat, and trust a good deal to my 
 cards, and watch papers, and shirt wristbands, and so on." 
 
 " I should have thought," said Verdant, " that after those sort 
 of crutches had broken down with you once, you would not fly to 
 their support a second time." 
 
 " Oh, I shall though ! I must, you know ! " replied the infat 
 uated Mr. Bouncer. " The Mum cut up doosid this last time ; 
 you've no idea how she turned on the main, and did the briny ! 
 and, I must make things sure this time. After all, I believe it 
 was those Second Aorists that ploughed me." 
 
 It is remarkable, that, not only in Mr. Bouncer's case, but in 
 many others, also, of a like nature, gentlemen who have been 
 plucked can always attribute their totally-unexpected failures to 
 a Second Aorist, or a something equivalent to " the salmon," 
 or "the melted butter," or "that glass of sherry," which are 
 recognised as the causes for so many morning reflections. This 
 curious circumstance suggests an interesting source of inquiry 
 for the speculative. 
 
 "Well ! " said Mr. Bouncer meditatively ; " I'm not so sorry, 
 after all, that they cut up rough, and ploughed me. It's enabled 
 me, you see, to come back here, and be .jolly. I shouldn't have 
 known what to do with myself away from Oxford. A man can't 
 be always going to feeds and tea-fights ; and that's all that I have 
 to do when I'm down in the country with the Mum she likes 
 me, you know, to do the filial, and go about with her, And it's 
 not a bad thing to have something to work at ! it keeps what you 
 call your intellectual faculties on the move. I don't wonder at 
 thingumbob crying when he'd no more whatdyecallems to con 
 quer ! he was regularly used up, I dare say." 
 
 Mr. Bouncer, upon this, rolled out some curls of smoke from 
 the corner of his mouth, and then observed, " I'm glad I started 
 this hookah ! ' the judicious Hooker,' ain't it, Giglamps ? it is so 
 jolly, at night, to smoke oneself to sleep, with the tail end of it 
 in one's mouth, and to find it there in the morning, all ready for 
 a fresh start. It makes me get on with my coaching like a house 
 on fire." 
 
 Here there was a rush of men into the adjacent room, who 
 hailed Mr. Bouncer as a disgusting Sybarite, and, flinging their 
 caps and gowns into a corner, forthwith fell upon the good fare 
 which Mr. Robert Filcher had spread before them ; at the same 
 time carrying on a lively conversation with their host, the occu 
 pant of the bed-room. " Well ! I suppose I must turn out, and 
 do tumbles ! " said Mr. Bouncer. So he got up, and went into 
 
THE AD VENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 91 
 
 bis tub ; and, presently, sat down comfortably to breakfast, in 
 his shirt-sleeves. 
 
 When Mr. Bouncer had refreshed his inner man, and strength 
 ened himself for his severe course of reading by the consumption of 
 a singular mixture of coffee and kidneys, beef -steaks and beer ; and 
 when he had rested from his exertions, and had resumed his pipe 
 which was not " the judicious Hooker," but a short clay, 
 smoked to a swarthy hue, and on that account, as well as from 
 its presumed medicatory power, called "the Black Doctor/' just 
 then, Mr. Smalls, and a detachment of invited guests, who had 
 been to an early lecture, dropped in to breakfast. Huz and Buz, 
 setting up a terrific bark, darted towards a minute specimen of 
 the canine species, which, with the aid of a powerful microscope, 
 might have been discovered at the feet of its proud proprietor, 
 Mr. Smalls. It was the first dog of its kind imported into Oxford, 
 and it was destined to set on foot a fashion that soon bade fair to 
 drive out of the field those long-haired Skye-terriers, with two or 
 three specimens of which species, he entered the room. 
 
 " Kill 'em, Lympy ! " said Mr. Smalls to his pet, who, with an 
 extreme display of pugnacity, was submitting to the curious and 
 minute inspection of Huz and Buz. ** Lympy " was a black and 
 tan terrier, with smooth hair, glossy coat, bead-like eyes, cropped 
 ears, pointed tail, limbs of a cobwebby structure, and so diminu 
 tive in its proportions, that its owner was accustomed to carry it 
 inside the breast of his waistcoat, as a precaution, probably, 
 against its being blown away. And it was called " Lympy," us 
 an abbreviation of " Olympus," which was the name derisively 
 given to it for its smallness, on the lucus a non lucendo principle 
 that miscalls the lengthy " brief" of the barrister, the " living " 
 not-sufficient-to-support-life of the poor vicar, the uncertain 
 "certain age," the unfair "fare," and the son-ruled *' governor." 
 
 11 Lympy " was placed upon the table, in order that he might 
 
92 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 be duly admired ; an exaltation at which Huz and Buz and the 
 Skye-terriers chafed with jealousy. " Be quiet, you beggars ! he's 
 prettier than you ! " said Mr. Smalls ; whereupon, a mild punster 
 present propounded the canine query, " Did it ever occur to a 
 cur to be lauded to the Skyes ? " at which there was a shout of 
 indignation, and he was sconced by the unanimous vote of the 
 company. 
 
 " Lympy ain't a bad style of dog," said little Mr. Bouncer, 
 as he puffed away at the Black Doctor. " He'd be perfect, if he 
 hadn't one fault." 
 
 " And what's his fault, pray ? " asked his anxious owner. 
 
 " There's rather too much of him ! " observed Mr. Bouncer, 
 gravely. " Robert ! " shouted the little gentleman to his scout ; 
 " Robert ! doose take the feller, he's always out of the way when 
 he's wanted." And, when the performance of a variety of octaves 
 on the post-horn, combined with the free use of the speaking- 
 trumpet, had brought Mr. Robert Filcher to his presence, Mr. 
 Bouncer received him with objurgations, and ordered another 
 tankard of beer from the buttery. 
 
 In the mean time, the conversation had taken a sporting turn. 
 *' Do you meet Drake's to-morrow ?" asked Mr. Blades of Mr. 
 Four-in-hand Fosbrooke. 
 
 " No ! the old Berkshire," was the reply. 
 
 " Where's the meet ?" 
 
 " At Buscot Park. I send my horse to Thompson's, at the 
 Farringdon-Road station, and go to meet him by rail." 
 
 " And, what about the Grind ?" asked Mr. Smalls of the com 
 pany generally. 
 
 "Oh yes!" said Mr. Bouncer, "let us talk over the Grind. 
 Giglamps, old feller, you must join." 
 
 " Certainly, if you wish it,'' said Mr. Verdant Green, who, 
 however, had as little idea as the man in the moon what they 
 were talking about. But, as he was no longer a Freshman, he 
 was unwilling to betray his ignorance on any matter pertaining 
 to college life ; so, he looked much wiser than he felt, and saved 
 himself from saying more on the subject, by sipping a hot spiced 
 draught, from a silver cup that was pushed round to him. 
 
 " That's the very cup that Four-in-hand Fosbrooke won at the 
 last Grind," said Mr. Bouncer. 
 
 " Was it indeed !" safely answered Mr. Verdant Green, who 
 looked at the silver cup (on which was engraven a coat of arms 
 with the words " Brazenface Grind. Fosbrooke,"), and wondered 
 what " a Grind" might be. A medical student would have told 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 93 
 
 him that a " Grind " meant the reading up for an examinatio?i 
 under the tuition of one who was familiarly termed ' a Grinder " 
 
 a process which Mr. Verdant Green's friends would phrase as 
 " Coaching " under " a Coach ;" but the conversation that followed 
 upon Mr. Smalls' introduction of the subject, made our hero 
 aware, that, to a University man, a Grind did not possess any 
 reading signification, but a riding one. In fact, it was a steeple 
 chase, slightly varying in its details according to the college that 
 patronised the pastime. At Brazenface, " the Grind " was usually 
 over a known line of country, marked out with flags by the gentle 
 man (familiarly known as Anniseed) who attended to this business, 
 and full of leaps of various kinds, and various degrees of stiffness. 
 By sweepstakes and subscriptions, a sum of from ten to fifteen 
 pounds was raised for the purchase of a silver cup, wherewith to 
 grace the winner's wines and breakfast parties ; but, as the winner 
 had occasionally been known to pay as much as fifteen pounds 
 for the day's hire of the blood horse who was to land him first at 
 the goal, and as he had, moreover, to discharge many other little 
 expenses, including the by no means little one of a dinner to the 
 losers, the conqueror for the cup usually obtained more glory 
 than profit. 
 
 " I suppose you'll enter Tearaway, as before ?" asked Mr. Smalls 
 of Mr. Fosbrooke. 
 
 " Yes ! for I want to get him in condition for the Aylesbury 
 Bteeple-chase," replied the owner of Tearaway, who was rather 
 too fond of vaunting his blue silk and black cap before the eyes 
 of the sporting public. 
 
 " You've not much to fear from this man," said Mr. Bouncer, 
 indicating (with the Black Doctor) the stalwart form of Mr. 
 
94 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GRKEN. 
 
 Blades. " Billy's too big in the Westphalias. Giglamps, you're 
 the boy to cook Fosbrooke's goose. Don't you remember what 
 old father-in-law Honey wood told you, that you might, would, 
 should, and could, ride like a Shafto ? and lives there a man with 
 soul so dead, as Shikspur or some other cove observes who 
 wouldn't like to show what stuff he was made of ? I can put you 
 up to a wrinkle/' said the little 'gentleman, sinking his voice to a 
 whisper. " Tollitt has got a mare who can lick Tear away into 
 fits. She is as easy as a chair, and jumps like a cat. All that 
 you have to do is to sit back, clip the pig-skin, and send her 
 at it ; and, she'll take you over without touching a twig. He'd 
 promised her to me, but I intend to cut the Grind altogether; it 
 interferes too much, don't you see, with my coaching. So I can 
 make Tollitt keep her for you. Think how well the cup would 
 look on your side-board, when you've blossomed into a parient, 
 and changed the adorable Patty into Mrs. Verdant. Think of 
 that, Master Giglamps !" 
 
 Mr. Bouncer's argument was a persuasive one, and Mr. Ver 
 dant Green consented to be one of the twelve gentlemen, who 
 cheerfully paid their sovereigns to be allowed to make their ap 
 pearance as amateur jockeys at the forthcoming Grind. After 
 much debate, " the Wet Ensham course " was decided upon ; and 
 three o'clock in the afternoon of that day fortnight was fixed for 
 the start. Mr. Smalls gained kudos by offering to give the lun 
 cheon at his rooms ; and the host of the Ked Lion, at Ensham, 
 was ordered to prepare one of his very best dinners, for the wind 
 ing up of the day's sport. 
 
 " I don't mind paying for it," said Verdant to Mr. Bouncer, 
 4t if I can but win the cup, and show it to Patty, when she comes 
 to us at Christmas." 
 
 " Keep your pecker up, old feller ! and put your trust in old 
 beans," was Mr. Bouncer's reply. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 95 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN TAKES HIS DEGREE. 
 
 DURING the fortnight that intervened between Mr. Bouncer's 
 breakfast party and the Grind, Mr. Verdant Green got himself 
 into training for his first appearance as a steeple-chase rider, by 
 practising a variety of equestrian feats over leaping-bars and 
 gorse-stuck hurdles ; in which he acquitted himself with tolerable 
 success, and came off with fewer bruises than might have been 
 expected. At this period of his career, too, he strengthened his 
 bodily powers by practising himself in those varieties of the 
 " manly exercises" that found most favour in Oxford. 
 
 The adoption of some portion of these -was partly attributable 
 to his having been made a Mason ; for, whenever he attended tho 
 
 meetings of his Lodge, he had to pass the two rooms where T 
 MacLaren conducted his fencing-school and gymnasium. The 
 fencing-room which was the larger of the two, and was of the 
 
9fi THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 same dimensions as the Lodge-room above it was usually tenanted 
 by the proprietor and his assistant, (who, as Mr. Bouncer phrased 
 it, ''put the pupils through their paces,") and re-echoed to the 
 sounds of stampings, and the cries of " On guard ! quick ! parry ! 
 lunge ! " with the various other terms of Defence and Attack, 
 uttered in French and English. At the upper end of the room, 
 over the fire-place, was a stand of curious arms, flanked on either 
 side by files of single-sticks. The centre of the room was left 
 clear for the fencing ; while the lower end was occupied by the 
 parallel bars, a regiment of Indian clubs, and a mattress ap 
 paratus for the delectation of the sect of jumpers. 
 
 Here Mr. Verdant Green, properly equipped for the purpose, 
 was accustomed to swing his clubs after the presumed Indian 
 manner, to lift himself off his feet and hang suspended between 
 the parallel bars, to leap the string on to the mattress, to be 
 rapped and thumped with single-sticks and boxing-gloves by any 
 one else than Mr. Blades (who had developed his muscles in a 
 most formidable manner), and to go through his parades of quarto 
 and tierce with the flannel-clothed assistant. Occasionally he 
 had a fencing bout with the good-humoured Mr. MacLaren, who 
 
 professionally protected by his padded leathern plastron- - 
 politely and obligingly did his best to assure him, both by precept 
 and example, of the truth of the wise old saw, " mens sana in 
 corpore sano." 
 
 The lower room at MacLaren's presented a very different a]> 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 97 
 
 pearance to the fencing-room. The wall to the right hand, as 
 <<*8"A as a part of the wall at the upper end, was hung around 
 not 
 
 " With pikes, and guns, and bows," 
 
 like the fine old English gentleman's, but, nevertheless, 
 " With swords, and good old cutlasses," 
 
 and foils, and fencing masks, and fencing gloves, and boxing 
 gloves, and pads, and belts, and light white shoes. Opposite to 
 the door, was the vaulting-horse, on whose wooden back the 
 gymnasiast sprang at a bound, and over which the tyro (with 
 the aid of the spring-board) usually pitched himself headlong. 
 Then, commencing at the further end, was a series of poles and 
 ropes the turning pole, the hanging poles, the rings, and the 
 trapeze, on either or all of which the pupil could exercise 
 himself ; and, if he had the skill so to do, could jerk himself from 
 one to the other, and finally hang himself upon the sloping lad 
 der, before the momentum of his spring had passed away. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer, who could do most things with his hands and 
 
98 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 feet, was a very distinguished pupil of Mr. MacLaren's ; for the 
 little gentleman was as active as a monkey, and to quote his 
 own remarkably figurative expression was " a great deal livelier 
 than the Bug and Butterfly. " * 
 
 Mr. Bouncer, then, would go through the full series of gym 
 nastic performances, and finally pull himself up the rounds of 
 the ladder, with the greatest apparent ease, much to the envy of 
 Mr. Verdant Green, who, bathed in perspiration, and nearly dis 
 locating every bone in his body, would vainly struggle (in atti^ 
 tudes like to those of " the perspiring frog" of Count Smorltork} 
 to imitate his mercurial friend, and would finally drop exhausted 
 on the padded floor. 
 
 And, Mr. Verdant Green did not confine himself to these 
 indoor amusements ; but studied the Oxford Book of Sports in 
 various out-of-door ways. Besides his Grinds, and cricketing,, 
 and boating, and hunting, he would paddle down to Wyatt's, for 
 a little pistol practice, or to indulge in the exciting amusement 
 of rifle-shooting at empty bottles, or to practise, on the leaping 
 and swinging poles, the lessons he was learning at MacLaren's r 
 or to play at skittles with Mr. Bouncer (who was very expert in 
 knocking down three out of the four), or to kick football until 
 he became (to use Mr. Bouncer's expression) " as stiff as a bis 
 cuit." 
 
 Or, he would attend the shooting parties given by William 
 Brown, Esquire, of University House ; where blue-rocks and 
 brown rabbits were turned out of traps for the sport of the as 
 sembled bipeds and quadrupeds. The luckless pigeons and 
 rabbits had but a poor chance for their lives ; for, if the gentle 
 man who paid for the privilege of the shot missed his rabbit 
 (which was within the bounds of probability) the other guns were 
 
 A name given to Mr, Hope's Entomological Museum, 
 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VEEDANT GREEN. 99 
 
 at once discharged, and the dogs of Town and Gown let slip. And, 
 if any rabbit was nimble and fortunate enough to run this gauntlet 
 with the loss of only a tail or ear, and, Galatea-like, 
 
 'fagitadsalices," 
 
 and rushed into the willow-girt ditches, it speedily fell before the 
 clubs of the " cads," who were there to watch, and profit by the 
 sports of their more aristocratic neighbours.* 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green would also study the news of the day, in 
 the floating reading-room of the University Barge ; and, from 
 these comfortable quarters, indite a letter to Miss Patty, and 
 look out upon the picturesque river with its moving life of eights 
 and four-oars sweeping past with measured stroke. A great, 
 feature of the river picture, just about this time, was the crowd of 
 newly introduced canoes; their occupants, in every variety of bright- 
 coloured shirts and caps, flashing up and down a double paddle, 
 the ends of which were painted in gay colours, or emblazoned 
 with the owner's crest. But Mr. Verdant Green, with a due 
 regard for his own preservation from drowning, was content with 
 looking at these cranky canoes, as they flitted, like gaudy dragon- 
 flies, over the surface of the water. 
 
 * " The Vice- Chancellor, by the direction of the Hebdomadal Council, 
 has issued a notice against the practice of pigeon-shooting, &c., in the neigh 
 bourhood of the University."- Oxford Intelligence, Deer. 1854. 
 
100 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 Fain would the writer of these pages linger over these me 
 moirs of Mr. Verdant Green. Fain would he tell how his here 
 did many things that might be thought worthy of mention, he- 
 sides those which have been already chronicled ; but, this narra 
 tive has already reached its assigned limits, and, even a historian 
 must submit to be kept within reasonable bounds. 
 
 The Dramatist has the privilege of escaping many difficulties, 
 and passing swiftly over confusing details, by the simple intima 
 tion, that " An interval of twenty years is supposed to take place 
 between the Acts." Suffice it, therefore, for Mr. Verdant Green's 
 historian, to avail himself of this dramatic art, and, in a very few 
 sentences, to pass over the varied events of two years, in order 
 that he may arrive at a most important passage in his hero's 
 career. 
 
 The Grind came off without Mr. Verdant Green being enabled to 
 communicate to Miss Patty Honeywood, that he was the winner 
 of a silver cup. Indeed, he did not arrive at the winning post 
 until half-an-hour after it had been first reached by Mr. Four-in- 
 hand Fosbrooke on his horse 1 caraway ; for, after narrowly es 
 caping a blow from the hatchet of an irate agriculturalist who 
 professed great displeasure at any one presuming to come a 
 galloperin' and a tromplin' over his fences, Mr. Verdant Green 
 finally ** came to grief," by being flung into a disagreeably-moist 
 ditch. And though, for that evening, he forgot his troubles, in 
 the jovial dinner that took place at the Red Lion, yet, the next 
 morning, they were immensely aggravated, when the Tutor told 
 them that he had heard of the steeple-chase, and should expel 
 every gentleman who had taken part in it. The Tutor, however, 
 relented, and did not carry out his threat ; though Mr. Verdant 
 Green suffered almost as much as if he had really kept it. 
 
 The infatuated Mr. Bouncer madly persisted (despite the en 
 treaties and remonstrances of his friends) in going into the 
 Schools clad in his examination coat, and padded over with a host 
 of crams. His fate was a warning that similar offenders should 
 lay to heart, and profit by ; for the little gentleman was again 
 plucked. Although he was grieved at this on " the Mum's " ac 
 count, his mercurial temperament enabled him to thoroughly en 
 joy the Christmas vacation at the Manor Green, where were again 
 gathered together the same party who had met there the previous 
 Christmas. The cheerful society of Miss Fanny Green did much, 
 probably, towards restoring Mr. Bouncer to his usual happy frame 
 of mind ; and, after Christmas, he gladly returned to his beloved 
 Oxford, leaving Brazenface, and migrating(" through circumstances 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 101 
 
 over which he had no control," as he said) to " the Tavern." But 
 when the time for his examination drew on, the little gentleman 
 was seized with such trepidation, and "funked " so greatly, that 
 he came to the resolution not to trouble the Examiners again, and 
 to dispense with the honours of a Degree. And so, at length, 
 greatly to Mr. Verdant Green's sorrow, and " regretted by all 
 that knew him," Mr. Bouncer sounded his final octaves and 
 went the complete unicorn for the last time in a College quad, and 
 gave his last Wine (wherein he produced some " very old port, 
 my teacakes ! I've had it since last term !") and then, as an 
 undergraduate, bade his last farewell to Oxford, with the parting 
 declaration, that, though he had not taken his Degree, yet that he 
 had got through with great credit, for that he had left behind him 
 a heap of unpaid bills. 
 
 By this time, or shortly after, many of Mr. Verdant Green's 
 earliest friends had taken their Degrees, and had left College ; 
 and their places were occupied by a new set of men, among whom 
 our hero found many pleasant companions, whose names and 
 titles need not be recorded here. 
 
 When June had come, there was a li grand Commemoration," 
 and this was quite a sufficient reason that the Miss Honeywoodg 
 should take their first peep at Oxford, at so favourable an oppor 
 tunity. Accordingly there they came, together with the Squire, 
 and were met by a portion of Mr. Verdant Green's family, and 
 by Mr. Bouncer; and there were they duly taken to all the lions, 
 and initiated into some of the mysteries of College life. Miss 
 Patty was enchanted with everything that she saw even carry- 
 
102 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 ing her admiration to Verdant's undergraduate's gown and wa* 
 proudly escorted from College to College by her enamoured swain. 
 
 " Pleasant it was, when woods were green, 
 And winds were soft and low," 
 
 when in a House-boat, and in four-oars, they made an expedition 
 ('* a wine and water party," as Mr. Bouncer called it) to Nuneham 
 and, after safely passing through the perils of the pound-locks of 
 Iffley and Sandford, arrived at the pretty thatched cottage, and 
 pic-nic'd in the round-house, and strolled through the nut planta 
 tions up to Carfax hill, to see the glorious view of Oxford, and 
 looked at the Conduit, and Bab's-tree, and paced over the little 
 rustic bridge to the island, where Verdant and Patty talked as 
 lovers love to talk. 
 
 Then did Mr. Verdant Green accompany his lady-love to 
 Northumberland ; from whence, after spending a pleasant month 
 that, all too quickly, came to an end, he departed (via Warwick 
 shire) for a continental tour, which he took in the company of 
 Mr. and Mrs. Charles Larkyns (nee Mary Green), who were there 
 for the honeymoon. 
 
 Then he returned to Oxford ; and when the month of May had 
 again come round, he went in for his Degree examination. He 
 passed with flying colours, and was duly presented with that 
 much-prized shabby piece of paper, on which was printed and 
 written the following brief form : 
 
 Green Verdant e Coll. ./En. Fac. 
 Die 28 Mensis Maii Anni 185 
 
 Examinatus, prout Statuta requirunt, satisfecit nobis 
 Examinatoribus. 
 
 J. Smith. I Eaam inatore* in 
 
 Ita testamur -| ** *>**** I L iteris Humanio- 
 Jac. L. Jones. ., 
 
 B. Robinson. ) nbus ' 
 
 Owing to Mr. Verdant Green having entered upon residence at 
 the time of his matriculation, he was obliged, for the present, to 
 defer the putting on of his gown, and, consequently, of arriving 
 at the full dignity of a Bachelor of Arts. Nevertheless, he had 
 taken his Degree de facto, if not dejure; and he, therefore tor 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN. 108 
 
 reasons which will appear gave the usual Degree dinner, on the 
 day of his taking his Testamur. 
 
 He also cleared his rooms, giving some of his things away, 
 sending others to Richards's sale-rooms, and resigning his china 
 and glass to the inexorable Mr. Robert Filcher, who would forth 
 with dispose of these gifts (much over their cost price) to the 
 next Freshman who came under his care. 
 
 Moreover, as the adorning of College chimney-pieces with the 
 photographic portraits of all the owner's College friends, had just 
 then come into fashion, Mr. Verdant Green's beaming counten 
 ance and spectacles were daguerreotyped in every variety of 
 Ethiopian distortion ; and, being enclosed in miniature frames, 
 were distributed as souvenirs among his admiring friends. 
 
 Then, Mr. Verdant Green went down to Warwickshire; and, 
 within three mouths, travelled up to Northumberland on a special 
 mission. 
 
104 THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER THE LAST. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN IS MARRIED AND DONE FOR. 
 
 LASTHOPE'S ruined Church, since it had become a ruin which 
 was many a long year ago had never held within its mouldering 
 walls so numerous a congregation as was assembled therein on 
 one particular September morning, somewhere about the middle 
 of the present century. It must be confessed that this unusual 
 assemblage had not been drawn together to see and hear the 
 officiating Clergyman (who had never, at any time, been a special 
 attraction), although that ecclesiastical Ruin was present, and 
 looked almost picturesque in the unwonted glories of a clean 
 surplice and white kid gloves. But, this decorative appearance 
 of the Ruin, coupled with the fact that it was made on a week 
 day, was a sufficient proof that no ordinary circumstance had 
 brought about this goodly assemblage. 
 
 At length, after much expectant waiting, those on the outside 
 of the Church discerned the figure of small Jock Muir mounted on 
 his highly-trained donkey, and galloping along at a tearing pace 
 from the direction of Honeywood Hall. It soon became evident 
 that he was the advance guard of two carriages that were being 
 rapidly whirled along the rough road that led by the rocky banks 
 of the Swirl. Before small Jock drew rein, he had struggled to 
 relieve his own excitement, And that of the crowd, by pointing to 
 the carriages and shouting, u Yon's the greums, wi' the t'other 
 priest ! " the correctness of which assertion was speedily mani 
 fested by the arrival of the " grooms " in question, who were 
 none other than Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Frederick Delaval, 
 accompanied by the Rev. Mr. Larkyns (who was to " assist " at 
 the ceremony) and their " best men," who were Mr. Bouncer and 
 a cousin of Frederick Delaval's. Which quintet of gentlemen at 
 once went into the Church, and commenced a whispered conver 
 sation with the ecclesiastical Ruin. These circumstances, taken 
 in conjunction with the gorgeous attire of the gentlemen, their 
 white gloves, their waistcoats " equal to any emergency" (as Mr. 
 Bouncer had observed), and the bows of white satin ribbon that 
 gave a festive appearance to themselves, their carriage-horses, 
 
THE ADVENTURES OP ME. VEEDANT GREEN. 105 
 
 and postilions sufficiently proclaimed the fact that a wedding 
 and that, too, a double one was at hand. 
 
 The assembled crowd had now sufficient to engage their 
 attention, by the approach of a very special train of carriages, 
 i hat was brought to a grand termination by two travelling-car 
 riages, respectively drawn by four greys, which were decorated . 
 with flowers and white ribbons, and were bestridden by gay 
 postilions in gold-tasseled caps and scarlet jackets. No wonder 
 that so unusual a procession should have attracted such an 
 assemblage ; no wonder that old Andrew Graham (who was there 
 with his well-favoured daughters) should pronounce it " a brae 
 sight for weak een." 
 
 As the clatter of the carriages announced their near approach 
 to Lasthope Church, Mr. Verdant Green who had been in the 
 highest state of excitement, and had distractedly occupied him 
 self in looking at his watch to see if it was twelve o'clock ; in 
 arranging his Oxford-blue tie ; in futilely endeavouring to button 
 his gloves ; in getting ready, for the fiftieth time, the gratuity 
 that should make the Ruin's heart to leap for joy ; in longing for 
 brandy and water ; and in attending to the highly-out-of-place 
 advice of Mr. Bouncer, relative to the sustaining of his "pecker" 
 Mr. Verdant Green was thereupon seized with the fearful 
 apprehension that he had lost the ring ; and, after an agonising 
 and trembling search in all his pockets, was only relieved by 
 finding it in his glove (where he had put it for safety) just as the 
 double bridal procession entered the church. 
 
 Of the proceedings of the next hour or two, Mr. Verdant 
 Green never had a clear perception. He had a dreamy idea of 
 seeing a bevy of ladies and gentlemen pouring into the church, in 
 a mingled stream of bright-coloured silks and satins, and dark- 
 coloured broadcloths, and lace, and ribbons, and mantles, and 
 opera cloaks, and bouquets; and, that this bright stream, followed 
 by a rush of dark shepherd's-plaid waves, surged up the aisle, and, 
 dividing confusedly, shot out from their centre a blue coat and 
 brass buttons (in which, by the way, was Mr. Honey wood), on 
 the arms of which were hanging two white-robed figures, partially 
 shrouded with Honiton-lace veils, and crowned with orange 
 blossoms. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green has a dim remembrance of the party being 
 marshalled to their places by a confused clerk, who assigned the 
 wrong brides to the wrong bridegrooms, and appeared excessively 
 anxious that his mistake should not be corrected. Mr. Verdant 
 Green also had an idea that he himself was in that state of mind 
 
106 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 in which he would passively have allowed himself to be united to 
 Miss Kitty Honeywood, or to Miss Letitia Jane Morkin (who 
 \vas one of Miss Patty's bridesmaids), or to Mrs. Hannah More 
 or to the Hottentot Venus, or to any one in the female shape who 
 might have thought proper to take his bride's place. Mr. Verdant 
 Green also had a general recollection of maldng responses, and 
 feeling much as he did when in for his viva voce examination at 
 college ; and of experiencing a difficulty when called upon to 
 place the ring on one of the fingers of the white hand held forth 
 to him, and of his probable selection of the thumb for the ring's 
 resting place, had not the bride considerately poked out the 
 proper finger, and assisted him to place the golden circlet in its 
 assigned position. Mr. Verdant Green had also a misty idea 
 that the service terminated with kisses, tears, and congratulations; 
 and, that there was a great deal of writing and signing of names 
 in two documentary-looking books ; and that he had mingled 
 feelings that it was all over, that he was made very happy, and 
 that he wished he could forthwith project himself into the middle 
 of the next week. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green had also a dozy idea that he was guided 
 into a carriage by a hand that lay lovingly upon his arm ; 
 and, that he shook a variety of less delicate hands that there 
 were thrust out to him in hearty northern fashion ; and, that 
 the two cracked old bells of Lasthope Church made a lunatic 
 attempt to ring a wedding peal, and only succeeded in producing 
 music like to that which attends the hiving of bees ; and, that 
 he lumped into the carriage, amid a burst of cheering and God- 
 blessings ; and, that he heard the carriage-steps and door shut to 
 with a clang; and that he felt a sensation of being whirled on by 
 moving figures, and sliding scenery ; and, that he found the 
 carriage tenanted by one other person, and that person, his WIFE. 
 
 " My darling wife ! My dearest wife ! My own wife ! " It 
 was all that his heart could find to say. It was sufficient, for the 
 present, to ring the tuneful changes on that novel word, and to 
 clasp the little hand that trembled under its load of happiness, 
 and to press that little magic circle, out of which the necromancy 
 of Marriage should conjure such wonders and delights. 
 
 The wedding breakfast which was attended, among others, 
 by Mr. and Mrs. Poletiss (nee Morkins), and by Charles Larkyns 
 and his wife, who was now 
 
 " The mother of the sweetest little maid 
 That ever crow'd for kisses," 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF ME. VERDANT GREEN. 107 
 
 the wedding breakfast, notwithstanding that it was such a sub 
 stantial reality, appeared to Mr. Verdant Green's bewildered 
 mind to resemble somewhat the pageant of a dream. There was 
 the usual spasmodic gaiety of conversation that is inherent to 
 bridal banquets, and toasts were proclaimed and honoured, and 
 speeches were made indeed, he himself made one, of which he 
 could not recal a word. Sufficient let it be for our present pur 
 pose, therefore, to briefly record the speech of Mr. Bouncer, who 
 was deputed to return thanks for the duplicate bodies of brides 
 maids. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer (who with some difficulty checked his propensity 
 to indulge in Oriental figurativeness of expression) was under 
 stood to observe, that on interesting occasions like the present, 
 it was the custom for the youngest groomsman to return thanks 
 on behalf of the bridesmaids ; and that he, not being the youngest, 
 had considered himself safe from this onerous duty. For though 
 the task was a pleasing one, yet it was one of fearful responsi 
 bility. It was usually regarded as a sufficiently difficult and 
 hazardous experiment, when one single gentleman attempted to 
 express the sentiments of one single lady ; but when, as in the 
 present case, there were ten single ladies, whose unknown opinions 
 had to be conveyed through the medium of one single gentleman, 
 then the experiment became one from which the boldest heart 
 might well shrink. He confessed that he experienced these 
 emotions of timidity on the present occasion. (Cries of " Oh!") 
 He felt, that to adequately discharge the duties entrusted would 
 require the might of an engine of ten-bridesmaid power. He 
 would say more, but his feelings overcame him. (Renewed cries 
 of " Oh ! ") Under these circumstances he thought that he had 
 better take his leave of the subject, convinced that the reply to 
 the toast would be most eloquently conveyed by the speaking 
 eyes of the ten blooming bridesmaids. (Mr. Bouncer resumes his 
 seat amid great approbation.) 
 
 Then the brides disappeared, and after a time made their 
 re-appearance in travelling dresses. Then there were tears and 
 *' doubtful joys," and blessings, and farewells, and the departure 
 of the two carriages-and-four (under a brisk fire of old shoes) to 
 the nearest railway station, from whence the happy couples set 
 out, the one for Paris, the other for the Cumberland Lakes ; and 
 it was amid those romantic lakes, with their mountains and 
 waterfalls, that Mr. Verdant Green sipped the sweets of the 
 honeymoon, and realised the stupendous fact that he was a 
 married man. 
 
108 THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 The honeymoon had barely passed, and November had come, 
 when Mr. Verdant Green \vas again to be seen in Oxford a 
 bachelor only in the University sense of the term, for his wife 
 was with him, and they had rooms in the High Street. Mr. 
 Bouncer was also there, and had prevailed upon Verdant to invite 
 his sister Fanny to join them and be properly chaperoned by 
 Mrs. Verdant. For, that wedding-day in Northumberland had 
 put an effectual stop to the little gentleman's determination to 
 refrain from the wedded state, and he could now say with Bene 
 dick, "When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I 
 should live till I were married." But Miss Fanny Green had 
 looked so particularly charming in her bridesmaid's dress, that 
 little Mr. Bouncer was inspired with the notable idea, that he 
 should like to see her playing first fiddle, and attired in the still 
 more interesting costume of a bride. On communicating this 
 inspiration (couched, it must be confessed, in rather extraordinary 
 language) to Miss Fanny, he found that the young lady was far 
 from averse to assisting him to carry out his idea ; and in further 
 conversation with her, it was settled that she should follow the 
 example of her sister Helen (who was " engaged " to the Rev. 
 Josiah Meek, now the rector of a Worcestershire parish), and 
 consider herself as " engaged " to Mr. Bouncer. Which facetious 
 idea of the little gentleman's was rendered the more amusing 
 from its being accepted and agreed to by the young lady's parents 
 and "the Mum." So here was Mr. Bouncer again in Oxford, 
 an " engaged " man, in company with the object of his affections, 
 both being prepared as soon as possible to follow the example of 
 Mr. and Mrs. Verdant Green. 
 
 Before Verdant could " put on his gown," certain preliminaries 
 had to be observed. First, he had to call, as a matter of cour 
 tesy, on the head of his College, to whom he had to show his 
 Testamur, and whose, formal permission he requested that he 
 might put on his gpwn. 
 
 " Oh yes !" replied Dr. Portman, in his monosyllabic tones, 
 as though he were reading aloud from a child's primer ; '* oh yes, 
 cer-tain-ly ! I was de-light-ed to know that you had pass-ed, and 
 that you have been such a cred-it to your col-lege. You will 
 o-blige me, if you please, by pre-sent-ing your-self to the Dean 
 of Arts." And then Dr. Portman shook hands with Verdant, 
 wished him good morning, and resumed his favourite study of 
 the Greek particles. 
 
 Then, at an appointed hour in the evening, Verdant, in com 
 pany with other men of his college, went to the Dean of Arts, 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 109 
 
 who heard them read through the Thirty-nine Articles, and dis 
 missed them with this parting intimation " Now, gentlemen ! 
 I shall expect to see you at the Divinity School in the morning 
 at ten o'clock. You must come with your bands and gown, and 
 fees ; and be sure, gentlemen, that you do not forget the fees !" 
 
 So in the morning Verdant takes Patty to the Schools, and 
 'ommits her to the charge of Mr. Bouncer, who conducts her and 
 Miss Fanny to one of the raised seats in the Convocation House, 
 from whence they will have a good view of the conferring of De 
 grees. Mr. Verdant Green finds the precincts of the Schools 
 lenanted by droves of college Butlers, Porters, and Scouts, hang 
 ing about for the usual fees and old gowns, and carrying blue 
 !>ags, in which are the new gowns. Then having seen that Mr. 
 Ilobert Filcher is in attendance with his own particular gown 
 be struggles through the Pig-market,* thronged with bustling 
 
 * The derivation of this word has already been given. See Part I. p. 40. 
 
110 THE ADVENTURES OF MB. VEBDANT GREEN. 
 
 Bedels and University Marshals, and other officials. Then, as 
 opportunity offers, he presents himself to the senior Squire Bedel 
 in Arts, George Valentine Cox, Esq., who sits behind a table, 
 and, in his polite and scholarly manner, puts the usual questions 
 to him, and permits him, on the due payment of all the fees, to 
 write his name in a large book, and to place " Fil. Gen." * after 
 his autograph. Then he has to wait some time until the superior 
 Degrees are conferred, and the Doctors and Masters have taken 
 their seats, and the Proctors have made their apparently insane 
 promenade. | 
 
 Then the Deans come into the ante-chamber to see if the men 
 of their respective Colleges are duly present, properly dressed, 
 and have faithfully paid the fees. Then, when the Deans, having 
 satisfactorily ascertained these facts, have gone back again into 
 the Convocation House, the Yeoman Bedel rushes forth with his 
 silver " poker," and summons all the Bachelors, in a very preci 
 pitate and far from impressive manner, with " Now, then, gentle 
 men ! please all of you to come in ! you're wanted !" Then the 
 Bachelors enter the Convocation House in a troop, and stand in 
 the area, in front of the Vice-Chancellor and the two Proctors. 
 Then are these young men duly quizzed by the strangers present, 
 especially by the young ladies, who, besides noticing their own 
 friends, amuse themselves by picking out such as they suppose to 
 have been reading men, fast men, or slow men taking the face 
 as the index of the mind. We may be sure that there is a young 
 married lady present who does not indulge in futile speculations 
 of this sort, but fixes her whole attention on the figure of Mr. 
 Verdant Green. 
 
 Then the Bedel comes with a pile of Testaments, and gives one 
 to each man; Dr. Bliss, the Registrar of the University, adminis 
 ters to them the oath, and they kiss the book. Then the Deans 
 present them to the Vice- Chancellor in a short Latin form ; and 
 then the Vice -Chancellor, standing up uncovered, with the 
 Proctors standing on either side, addresses them in these words : 
 " Domini, ego admitto vos ad lectionem cujuslibet libri Logices 
 Aristotelis ; et insuper earum Artium, quas et quatenus per 
 Statuta audivisse tenemini ; insuper autoritate rnea et totius 
 universitatis, do vobis potestatem intrandi scholas, legendi, dispu- 
 tandi, et reliqua omnia faciendi, quae ad gradum Baccalaurei in 
 Artibus spectant." 
 
 * i.e., Filius Generosi the son of a gentleman of independent means* 
 f See note, Part I. p. 109. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 Ill 
 
 When the Vice- Chancellor has spoken these remarkable words 
 which, after three years ol university reading and expense, grant 
 
 
 ga much that has not been asked or wished for), the newly-made 
 Bachelors rush out of the Convocation House in wild confusion, 
 and stand on one side to allow the Vice-Chancellarian procession 
 to pass. Then, on emerging from the Pig-market, they hear 
 St. Mary's bells, which sound to them sweeter than ever. 
 
 Mrs. Verdant Green is especially delighted with her husband's 
 voluminous bachelor's gown and white-furred hood (articles which 
 Mr, Robert Filcher, when helping to put them on his master in 
 the ante-chamber, had declared to be " the most becomingest 
 things as was ever wore on a gentleman's shoulders"), and forth 
 with carries him off to be photographed while the gloss of his 
 new glory is yet upon him. Of course, Mr. Verdant Green and 
 all the new Bachelors are most profusely " capped ;" and, of 
 course, all this servile homage although appreciated at its full 
 worth, and repaid by shillings and quarts of buttery beer of 
 course it is most grateful to the feelings, and is as delightfully 
 intoxicating to the imagination as any incense of flattery can be. 
 
 What a pride does Mr. Verdant Green feel as he takes his 
 bride through the streets of his beautiful Oxford! how com 
 placently he conducts her to lunch at the confectioner's who had 
 supplied their wedding-cake ! how he escorts her (under the pre- 
 
113 
 
 THE ADVENTUEES OF MB. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 tence of making purchases) to every shop at which he has dealt, 
 that he may gratify his jfcnocent vanity in showing off his charm 
 ing bride ! how boldly he catches at the merest college acquaint 
 ance, solely that he may have the proud pleasure of introducing 
 *' My wife !" 
 
 But what said Mrs. Tester, the bed-maker? " Law bless you, 
 sir!" said that estimable lady, dabbing her curtseys where there 
 were stops, like the beats of a conductor's baton " Law bless 
 you, sir ! I've bin a wife meself, sir. And I knows your feelings." 
 
 And what said Mr. Robert Filcher? " Mr. Verdant Green," 
 said he, " I'm sorry as how you've done with Oxford, sir, and 
 that we're agoing to lose you. And this I will say, sir! if ever 
 there was a gentleman I were sorry to part with, it's you, sir. 
 But I hopes, sir, that you've got a wife as'll be a good wife to 
 you, sir ; and make you ten times happier than you've been ia 
 Oxford, sir ! 
 
 And so say we. 
 
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 Judge White 
 
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 Alexander Burnham 
 
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 Different Sentiments 
 
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 English Emigrants 
 
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 The Mrs. Underwoods' Jealousies, 
 
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 The Dinner 
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 Ogden's City 
 
 Frederick B 
 
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 Mrs. Canfieltl 
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 Miss Scott 
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 and nervous style in which it is written, render it a work of permanent interest and 
 value. . . . There is a considerable degree of conciseness and power in Mr. M'Gil- 
 christ's rapid descriptions, in which he seems somewhat to take niter Mr. Macaulay." 
 Literary Spectator. 
 
 "This is a neatly executed compilation. Mr. M'Gilchrist tells his story with 
 energy, and prophesies for the Ottoman empire a happy era of peace." TJie Athenceum. 
 
 " In the execution of this design he has been quite successful, and has produced 
 just such a book as may be expected to be popular. The decay of the Byzantine 
 empire, and the rapid rise of the Turkish power, the brilliant series of conquests by 
 which the early sultans established that power in Europe, and all the more important 
 events in the subsequent history of the Ottoman empire, are sketched in a correct as 
 well as a lively style. As an historical abridgment, a popular history of Turkey and 
 the Turks, it is worthy of commendation, and will, no doubt, be received by the public 
 ns it deserves to be." Scottish Press. 
 
 " The present is an eminently seasonable volume. We have many histories of 
 Turkey, of various magnitudes, but even the least is too large for popular purposes. 
 The present volume, however, every way meets the case. There is little that English 
 men are concerned to know which it does not tell them. It is the most compact, com 
 plete, and comprehensive narrative of the great subject that has yet been given. The 
 illustrations, too, are well done, and add considerably to the interest of the work." 
 British Banner, 
 
 " This volume gives a copious but concise history of them from the latest times to 
 tbc conclusion of the late Russian war. It would be found very suitable to those who 
 desire a brief statement of interesting facts, along with an outline of the various wars 
 in which Turkey has played an active part, and a general estimate of the position which 
 it has held amongst European nations. The style is clear, the facts systematically 
 arranged, and the general execution of the book tasteful. We could not recommend a 
 better and more convenient compendium of Turkish history." Montrose t Arbroatli,and 
 Srechin Review. 
 
 ' ; It is an intelligent epitome of the most interesting events of Turkish history, from 
 i lie decay of the Byzantine empire to the fall of Kars. As a school book.itis preferable 
 irregular abridgment of V 
 
 | <> any irregular abridgment of Von Hammer." 
 
 " The author says that his design has been to give compendious information on the 
 leading events which have characterised the history of the Turkish race, especially 
 those by which they have been connected with the nations of Christian Europe, and at 
 Jie same time to attempt to produce a readable book; and in this design he has been 
 uccessful. The book is eminently readable, the narrative rapid, succinct, and clear, and 
 the interest never flags. It should be added that the work is handsomely got up, and 
 iidorned with several well-executed engravings." 
 
 London : JAMES BLACKWOOD, Paternoster Kow. 
 
BLACKWOOD'S LONDON LIBRARY. 
 
 In handsome. Wrapper printed in Colours, and designed to furnish tlie 
 public with first-rate matter at a popular price. 
 
 HARGRAVE ; or, The Adventures of a Man of Fashion. By 
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 THE ROBERTSES ON THEIR TRAVELS. By Mrs. 
 
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 MEN OF CAPITAL. By Mrs. GORE. Price Is. 6d. 
 
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 CONTENTS. 
 
 Some "Whims of Mr. Waggle 
 
 Domestic Animals 
 
 A Day in the Life of Sir Vane 
 
 Vagary, Bart. 
 Ben Jonsoii 
 
 Mr. Hippy's Vagaries 
 Gaieties at Gravesend 
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 been translated into every European language. 
 
 THE CAYALIERS AND FREE LANCES OF NEW 
 
 SPAIN. By GABRIEL FERRY, author of "Vagabond Life in 
 
 Mexico," " Costal the Indian Zapotec." Price Is. 6d. 
 
 " Mr. Ferry spent seven years in Mexico, and has made good use of his time and 
 
 opportunities. He possesses afine eye for the picturesque, great powers of description, 
 
 and a fluent and agreeable style. He also possesses the rare art of bringing vividly before 
 
 his readers the results of his observation and experience, and many of his descriptions 
 
 of Mexican manners and scenery are the best and most animated we have met with." 
 
 Notice of Vagabond Life in Mexico, by Mr, Ferry, in " London fytarterly Review." 
 
 " Strange names are enumerated, wild scenes are described." Review of Costal in 
 
 Athencevm. 
 
 London : JAMES B L A C K W D, Paternoster Kow. 
 
THE BOUQUET OF BEAUTY; containing Ten Steel 
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 CONTENTS : 
 
 Bethlehem. I Nain 
 
 The Dead Sea. | Tiberias. 
 
 Mount Lebanon. ; Ctesai'ea. 
 
 Mount of Olives from the Wall. Hills of Samaria. 
 Solomon's Pools. I Plain of Jericho. 
 
 BIBLE SCENES OF INTEREST AND BEAUTY ; con 
 taining the Ten Steel Engravings only, in handsome wrapper, 
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 Super royal 8vo., elegantly bound, gilt edges, and side. 
 Price 5s. 
 
 CONTENTS : 
 
 Mount Hermon. 
 
 Cedars of Lebanon. 
 
 Mars' Hill. 
 
 Jerusalem from the Mount of 
 
 Olives. 
 Garden of Gethsemane. 
 
 Mount Gerizim. 
 
 Mount Carmel. 
 
 Pool of Siloam. 
 
 Mount Tabor. 
 
 Sidon and Mount Lebanon. 
 
 SACRED PLACES ; containing the Ten Steel Engravings 
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 THE MONTHS ; their Poetical and other Associations ; 
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 Garden, the Calendar of Sports, fec. By GEORGE FREDERICK 
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 " A welcome present for children, right joyously and gracefully written." Critic. 
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 "Instruction in every sentence. With the majestic grace of poetical prose, sound 
 sense and information are most agreeably mingled." Lady's Newspaper. 
 
 " A cheerful, pleasant little book . . . Such books are ever healthy, going back 
 to the green places, the breezy heaths, the birds, the flowers, and carrying the hearts 
 of our children with them." Ladies' Companion. 
 
 London : JAMES BLACKWOOD, Paternoster Row. 
 
WILD ADVENTURES IN AUSTRALIA AND NEW 
 
 SOUTH WALES, Beyond the Boundaries, with Sketches of Life 
 at the Mining Districts. By FREDERIC DE BREBANT COOPER. 
 Crown 8vo., cloth, price 3s. 6d. 
 
 *' In the many works upon Australia that have been produced, few seem to touch 
 upon the far north, and none give an idea even partial and indistinct of the actual 
 life upon the interior boundaries of the Colony, where the advancing wave of civili 
 zation is gradually but surely driving back, step by step, the Aborigines, who, 
 there at least, uncontaminated by long contact with the whites, are not the 
 spiritless, crushed beings, that may be supposed from the descriptions that have 
 hitherto been drawn of the natives." Preface. 
 
 "These adventures are narrated in a very graphic and spirited manner; the 
 author's perils begin almost directly, for he is shipwrecked off the Australian coast, 
 und has to swim for his life, he is saved, however, and makes his way into 
 the interior, of which he gives a faithful but certainly not a very tempting descrip 
 tion. The book has its merits. British Banner. 
 
 OLIVER CROMWELL, a Biography ; compiled from Con 
 temporary and other Sources. By WILLIAM HAZLITT. Fcap. 
 doth, pr^&e 5s. ; gilt edges, 5s. 6d. 
 
 CONTENTS : 
 
 CHAP. 1. The Family of Cromwell; 
 Oliver's Early Life. 
 
 II. Cromwell in Parliament ; Resi 
 dence at St. Ives. 
 
 III. Progress of Puritanism. 
 
 IV. Cromwell at Ely. 
 
 V. The Short and Long Parlia 
 ments. 
 
 VI. The First Civil War ; Crom 
 well Commences his Military 
 Career. 
 
 VII. The Fight at Marston Moor; 
 State of Parties; The Self- 
 Denying Ordinance ; New 
 Model of the Army. 
 
 VIII. Cromwell in the West ; Battle 
 of Naseby. 
 
 IX. The Struggle for Dominion 
 between the Parliament and 
 the Army. 
 
 CHAP. X. The Second Civil War; 
 Trial and Execution of the King. 
 
 XI. The Agitators of the Army; 
 The Levellers ; Military Insur 
 rections. 
 
 XII. Cromwell in Ireland. 
 
 XIII. Cromwell again in Scotland. 
 
 XIV. Charles II. Enters England , 
 The Battle of Worcester. 
 
 XV. The Dismissal of the Long 
 Parliament. 
 
 XVI. The Barebones' Parliament ; 
 The Instrument of Govern 
 ment. 
 
 XVII. The Lord Protectorate. 
 
 XVIII. Cromwell's Third Parlia 
 ment ; The Humble Petition 
 and Advice. 
 
 XIX. From the Inauguration of 
 Cromwell as Lord High Pro 
 tector to his Death. 
 
 VAGABOND LIFE; or, a WANDERER'S ADVENTURES 
 
 IN MEXICO. By GABRIEL FERRY, for seven years resident in 
 that country. Second edition. Fcap. 8vo., cloth, 5s. 
 
 ""SVehave not met for a long 1 period with a rcore entertaining work than thi* 
 volume. . . . May be read for pleasure or for profit." Tait. 
 
 " This is an amusing volume, furnishing vivid sketches of life, manners, and 
 morals in Mexico. These sketches appear to be faithful to reality." Daily 
 Scotsman. ' 
 
 " Mr. Ferry, the author of the lively and spirited sketches before us, spent Severn 
 years in Mexico, and has made good use of his time and opportunities." 
 
 "He possesses a fine eye for the picturesque, great powers of description and a 
 fluent and agreeable style ; he also possesses the rare art of bringing vividly 
 before his readers tho results of his observation and experience, and many of his 
 descriptions of Mexican manners and scenery are the best and most animated we 
 have met with." London Quarterly Review. 
 
 London: J/MES BLACK WOOD, Paternoster Row.