3fe"BAB"BALLADS 
 
 MUCH SOUND AND LITTLE SENSE 
 
 r W.S.GILBERT 
 
 WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE 
 AUTHOR
 
 THE ] .IBRARY 
 
 E UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CAT FORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGEL ES
 
 The "Bab" Ballads 
 
 MUCH SOUND far 
 LITTLE SENSE 
 
 By W. S. GILBERT 
 
 With ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE AUTHOR 
 
 BOSTON 
 SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY
 
 jtrrangid and Printid bj ttit 
 Waysidt Dtfartmtnt of Thi Uni- 
 vtnity Prill, Camkridfi, U.S.jl.
 
 Li 
 
 PREFACE 
 
 /T appears nowadays to be an absolute neces- 
 sity that the subject-matter of even the most 
 insignificant books should be heralded by a 
 Preface ; and I believe that there are on record 
 instances of authors who have experienced no dif- 
 ficulty whatever in spinning very slender mate- 
 rials into a three-volume novel, and yet have 
 found themselves terribly perplexed when called 
 upon by their publishers to fill two or three pages 
 with a vindication of their motives in writing it : 
 just as busy people find it very easy to be guilty 
 of an impertinence, but very difficult indeed to 
 apologize satisfactorily for it. 
 I have some reason to believe that the Ballads, 
 which now appear for the first time in a collected 
 form, have achieved a certain whimsical popularity 
 among a special class of readers. I hope to gather, 
 from their publication in a separate volume,whether 
 that popularity (such as it is} is a thing to be 
 gratified with. With respect to the Ballads 
 themselves, I do not know that I have anything 
 very definite to say about them, except that they 
 are not, as a rule, founded upon fact. 
 I have ventured to publish the illustrations 
 
 >t ^ r 
 
 Itr
 
 viii PREFACE 
 
 with them because, while they are certainly quite 
 as bad as the Ballads, I suppose they are not 
 much worse. If, therefore, the Ballads are 
 worthy of publication in a collected form, the 
 little pictures would have a right to complain if 
 they were omitted. I do not know that they 
 would avail themselves of that right, but 1 
 should, nevertheless, have it on my conscience that 
 I had been guilty of partiality. If, on the other 
 hand, the Ballads should unfortunately be con- 
 demned as wholly unworthy of the dignity with 
 which the Publishers have invested them, they 
 will have the satisfaction of feeling that they 
 have companions in misfortune in the rather 
 dums-j sketches that accompany them. 
 
 W. S. G.
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 CAPTAIN REECE i 
 
 THE RIVAL CURATES 6 
 
 ONLY A DANCING GIRL 10 
 
 GENERAL JOHN iz 
 
 To A LITTLE MAID 15 
 
 JOHN AND FREDDY 17 
 
 SIR GUY THE CRUSADER o 
 
 HAUNTED 14 
 
 THE BISHOP AND THE BUSMAN ... 17 
 
 THE TROUBADOUR 31 
 
 FERDINANDO AND ELVIRA 35 
 
 LORENZO DE LARDY 41 
 
 DISILLUSIONED 45 
 
 BABETTE'S LOVE 48 
 
 To MY BRIDE 51 
 
 THE FOLLY OF BROWN 54 
 
 SIR MACKLIN 59 
 
 THE YARN OF THE " NANCY BELL " . 63 
 
 THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-FOO .... 68 
 
 THE PRECOCIOUS BABY 73 
 
 To PHCEBE 77 
 
 BAINES CAREW, GENTLEMAN .... 78 
 
 THOMAS WINTERBOTTO.M HANCE ... 83 
 
 THE REVEREND MICAH SOWLS . 88
 
 x CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 A DISCONTENTED SUGAR BROKER ... 92 
 
 THE PANTOMIME "SUPER" TO HIS MASK 97 
 
 THE FORCE OF ARGUMENT .... 99 
 THE GHOST, THE GALLANT, THE GAEL, 
 
 AND THE GOBLIN 103 
 
 THE PHANTOM CURATE 108 
 
 THE SENSATION CAPTAIN 112 
 
 TEMPORA MUTANTUR 117 
 
 AT A PANTOMIME 120 
 
 KING BORRIA BUNGALEE Boo . . . . 124 
 
 THE PERIWINKLE GIRL 129 
 
 THOMSON GREEN AND HARRIET HALE . 134 
 
 BOB POLTER 138 
 
 THE STORY OF PRINCE AGIB .... 143 
 
 ELLEN McJoNEs ABERDEEN .... 147 
 
 PETER THE WAG 153 
 
 BEN ALLAH ACHMET 158 
 
 THE THREE KINGS OF CHICKERABOO . 162 
 
 JOE GOLIGHTLY I 66 
 
 To THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE . . . 171 
 
 GENTLE ALICE BROWN 172 
 
 THE BUMBOAT WOMAN'S STORY . . . 178
 
 The "Bab" Ballads
 
 The "Ba6" Ballads 
 
 CAPTAIN REECE 
 
 OF all the ships upon the blue, 
 No ship contained a better crew 
 Than that of worthy CAPTAIN REECE, 
 Commanding of The Mantelpiece. 
 
 He was adorea by all his men, 
 For worthy CAPTAIN REECE, R.N., 
 Did all that lay within him to 
 Promote the comfort of his crew. 
 
 If ever they were dull or sad, 
 Their captain 
 
 danced to 
 
 them like 
 
 mad, 
 Or told, to 
 
 make the 
 
 time pass 
 
 by, 
 
 Droll legends of his infancy. 
 
 A feather bed had every man, 
 Warm slippers and hot-water can, 
 Brown Windsor from the captain's store, 
 A valet, too, to everv four.
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 Did they with thirst in summer burn ? 
 Lo, seltzogens 
 at every 
 
 turn, 
 
 And on all 
 very 
 sultry 
 days 
 
 Cream ices 
 handed round 
 on trays. 
 
 Then currant wine and ginger pops 
 Stood handily on all the " tops : " 
 And, also, with amusement rife, 
 A " Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life." 
 
 New volumes came across the sea 
 From MISTER MUDIE'S libraree ; 
 The Times and Saturday Review 
 Beguiled the leisure of the crew. 
 
 Kind-hearted CAPTAIN REECE, R.N., 
 
 Was quite devoted to his men ; 
 
 In point of fact, good CAPTAIN REECE, 
 
 Beatified The Mantelpiece. 
 
 One summer eve, at half-past ten, 
 He said (addressing all his men) : 
 " Come, tell me, please, what I can do 
 To please and gratify my crew.
 
 CAPTAIN REECE 
 
 " By any reasonable plan 
 I '11 make you happy if I can ; 
 My own convenience count as nil ; 
 It is my duty, and I will." 
 
 Then up and 
 answered 
 
 WILLIAM LEE, 
 (The kindly 
 captain's 
 
 coxswain he, 
 A nervous, shy, 
 low-spoken 
 
 man) 
 
 He cleared his 
 throat and 
 thus began : 
 
 "You have a daughter, CAPTAIN REECE, 
 Ten female cousins and a niece, 
 A ma, if what I 'm told is true, 
 Six sisters, and an aunt or two. 
 
 " Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me, 
 More friendly-like we all should be, 
 If you united of 'em to 
 Unmarried members of the crew. 
 
 " If you 'd ameliorate our life, 
 Let each select from them a wife ; 
 And as for nervous me, old pal, 
 Give me your own enchanting gal! "
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 Good CAPTAIN REECE, that worthy man, 
 Debated on his coxswain's plan : 
 "I quite agree," he said, " O BILL 
 It is my duty, and I will. 
 
 " My Has just 
 
 daughter, been 
 
 that promised 
 
 enchanting to an 
 
 gurl, earl, 
 
 And all my other familee 
 To peers of various degree. 
 
 " But what are dukes and viscounts to 
 The happiness of all my crew ? 
 The word I gave you I '11 fulfil ; 
 It is my duty, and I will. 
 
 " As you desire it shall befall, 
 I '11 settle thousands on you all, 
 And I shall be, despite my hoard, 
 The only bachelor on board." 
 
 The boatswain of The Mantelpiece, 
 He blushed and spoke to CAPTAIN REECE : 
 " I beg your honor's leave," he said, 
 " If you would wish to go and wed, 
 
 " I have a widowed mother who 
 Would be the very thing for you 
 She long has loved you from afar, 
 She washes for you, CAPTAIN R."
 
 CAPTAIN REECE 
 
 The captain saw the dame that day 
 Addressed her in his playful way 
 " And did 
 
 it want a 
 
 wedding 
 
 ring ? 
 It was a 
 
 tempting 
 
 ickle sing ! 
 
 " Well, well, the chaplain I will seek, 
 We '11 all be married this day week 
 At yonder church upon the hill ; 
 It is my duty, and I will ! " 
 
 The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece, 
 And widowed ma of CAPTAIN REECE, 
 Attended there as they were bid ; 
 It was their duty, and they did.
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 THE RIVAL CURATES 
 
 LIST while the poet trolls 
 Of MR. CLAYTON HOOPER, 
 Who had a cure of souls 
 At Spiffton-extra-Sooper. 
 
 He lived on curds and whey, 
 And daily sang their praises, 
 
 And then he 'd go and play 
 With buttercups and daisies. 
 
 Wild croquet HOOPER banned, 
 And all the sports of Mammon, 
 
 He warred with cribbage, and 
 He exorcised backgammon. 
 
 His helmet was a glance 
 
 That spoke of holy gladness ; 
 
 A saintly smile his lance, 
 His shield a tear of sadness. 
 
 His Vicar smiled to see 
 
 This armor on him buckled : 
 
 With pardonable glee 
 
 He blessed himself and chuckled. 
 
 " In mildness to abound 
 
 My curate's sole design is, 
 In all the country round 
 
 There 's none so mild as mine is ! "
 
 THE RIVAL CURATES 
 
 And HOOPER, disinclined 
 His trumpet to be blowing, 
 
 Yet did n't think you 'd find 
 A milder curate going. 
 
 A friend arrived one day 
 At Spiffton-extra-Sooper, 
 
 And in this shameful way 
 He spoke to MR. HOOPER : 
 
 "You think your famous name 
 For mildness can't be shaken, 
 
 That none can blot your fame 
 But, HOOPER, you're mistaken! 
 
 " Your mind is not as blank 
 As that of HOPLEY PORTER, 
 
 Who holds a curate's rank 
 At Assesmilk-cum-Worter. 
 
 " He plays the airy flute, 
 And looks 
 
 depressed and 
 
 blighted, 
 Doves round 
 about 
 him 
 
 'toot,' 
 
 And lambkins 
 dance 
 
 delighted.
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 " He labors more than you 
 
 At worsted work, and frames it ; 
 
 In old maids' albums, too, 
 
 Sticks seaweed yes, and names it ! " 
 
 The tempter said his say, 
 
 Which pierced him like a needle 
 He summoned straight away 
 
 His sexton and his beadle. 
 
 (These men were men who could 
 
 Hold liberal opinions : 
 On Sundays they were good 
 
 On week-days they were minions.) 
 
 " To HOPLEY PORTER go 
 
 Your fare I will afford you 
 
 Deal him a deadly blow 
 
 And blessings shall reward you. 
 
 " But stay I do not like 
 
 Undue assassination, 
 And so before you strike, 
 
 Make this communication : 
 
 "I '11 give him this one chance 
 If he '11 more gaily bear him, 
 
 Play croquet, smoke, and dance, 
 I willingly will spare him." 
 
 They went, those minions true, 
 To Assesmilk-cum-Worter, 
 
 And told their errand to 
 
 The REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER.
 
 THE RIVAL CURATES 
 
 " What ? " said that reverend gent, 
 " Dance through my hours of leisure ? 
 
 Smoke ? bathe myself with scent ? 
 Play croquet ? Oh, with pleasure ! 
 
 " Wear all my hair in curl ? 
 
 Stand at my door and wink so : 
 At every passing girl ? 
 
 My brothers, I should think so ! 
 
 " For years I 've longed for some 
 Excuse for this revulsion : 
 
 Now that excuse has come 
 I do it on compulsion ! ! ! " 
 
 He smoked and winked away 
 
 This REVEREND 
 
 HOPLEY PORTER 
 The deuce there was to pay 
 
 At Assesmilk-cum-Worter. 
 
 And HOOPER holds his ground, 
 In mildness daily growing 
 
 They think him, all around, 
 The mildest curate going.
 
 io THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 ONLY A DANCING GIRL 
 
 ONLY a dancing girl, 
 With an unromantic style, 
 With borrowed color and curl, 
 With fixed mechanical smile, 
 With many a hackneyed wile, 
 With ungrammatical lips, 
 And corns that mar her trips ! 
 
 Hung from the " flies " in air, 
 She acts a palpable lie, 
 
 She 's as little a fairy there 
 As unpoetical I ! 
 I hear you asking, Why 
 
 Why in the world I sing 
 
 This tawdry, tinselled thing ? 
 
 No airy fairy she, 
 
 As she hangs in arsenic green, 
 From a highly impossible tree,
 
 ONLY A DANCING GIRL u 
 
 In a highly impossible scene 
 
 (Herself not over clean). 
 For fays don't suffer, I 'm told, 
 From bunions, coughs, or cold. 
 
 And stately dames that bring 
 
 Their daughters there to see, 
 Pronounce the " dancing thing " 
 
 No better than she should be. 
 
 With her skirt at her shameful knee, 
 And her painted, tainted phiz : 
 Ah, matron, which of us is ? 
 
 (And, in sooth, it oft occurs 
 That while these matrons sigh, 
 
 Their dresses are lower than hers, 
 And sometimes half as high ; 
 And their hair is hair they buy, 
 
 And they use their glasses, too, 
 
 In a way she 'd blush to do.) 
 
 But change her gold and green 
 
 For a coarse merino gown, 
 And see her upon the scene 
 
 Of her home, when coaxing down 
 
 Her drunken father's frown, 
 In his squalid cheerless den : 
 She 's a fairy truly, then !
 
 12 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 GENERAL JOHN 
 
 THE bravest names for fire and flames, 
 And all that mortal durst, 
 Were GENERAL JOHN and PRIVATE JAMES, 
 Of the Sixty-seventy-first. 
 
 GENERAL JOHN was a soldier tried, 
 A chief 
 of 
 
 warlike 
 dons ; 
 A haughty 
 stride 
 and a 
 withering 
 
 pride 
 Were MAJOR-GENERAL JOHN'S. 
 
 A sneer would play on his martial phiz, 
 
 Superior birth to show ; 
 " Pish ! " was a favorite word of his, 
 
 And he often said " Ho ! ho ! " 
 
 FULL-PRIVATE JAMES described might be 
 As a man of a mournful mind ; 
 
 No characteristic trait had he 
 Of any distinctive kind.
 
 GENERAL JOHN i? 
 
 From the ranks, one day, cried PRIVATE JAMES, 
 
 " Oh ! MAJOR-GENERAL JOHN, 
 I 've doubts of our respective names, 
 
 My mournful mind upon. 
 
 " A glimmering thought occurs to me, 
 
 (Its source I can't unearth) 
 But I 've a kind of notion we 
 
 Were cruelly changed at birth. 
 
 " I 've a strange idea, each other's names 
 
 That we have each got on. 
 Such things have been," said PRIVATE JAMES. 
 
 "They have ! " sneered GENERAL JOHN. 
 
 " My GENERAL JOHN, I swear upon 
 
 My oath I think 't is so " 
 
 " Pish ! " proudly sneered his GENERAL JOHN, 
 
 And he also said, " Ho ! ho ! " 
 
 " My GENERAL JOHN ! my GENERAL JOHN ! 
 My GENERAL 
 JOHN !" 
 
 quoth he, 
 " This aristo- 
 
 cratical sneer 
 
 upon 
 Your face 
 I blush 
 
 to see !
 
 (. THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 <c No truly great or generous cove 
 
 Deserving of them names 
 Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove 
 
 In the mind of a PRIVATE JAMES ! " 
 
 Said GENERAL JOHN, " Upon your claims 
 No need your breath to waste ; 
 
 If this is a joke, FULL- PRIVATE JAMES, 
 It 's a joke of doubtful taste. 
 
 " But being a man of doubtless worth, 
 
 If you feel certain quite 
 That we were probably changed at birth, 
 
 I '11 venture to say you 're right." 
 
 So GENERAL JOHN as PRIVATE JAMES 
 
 Fell in, parade upon ; 
 And PRIVATE JAMES, by change of names, 
 
 Was MAJOR-GENERAL JOHN.
 
 TO A LITTLE MAID 15 
 
 TO A LITTLE MAID 
 
 By a Policeman 
 
 COME with me, little maid, 
 Nay, shrink not, thus afraid 
 I '11 harm thee not ! 
 Fly not, my love, from me 
 I have a home for thee 
 A fairy grot, 
 
 Where mortal eye 
 Can rarely pry, 
 There shall thy dwelling be ! 
 
 List to me, while I tell 
 The pleasures of that cell, 
 
 Oh, little maid! 
 
 What though its couch be rude, 
 Homely the only food 
 
 Within its shade ? 
 
 No thought of care 
 Can enter there, 
 No vulgar swain intrude!
 
 1 6 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 Come with me, little maid, 
 Come to the rocky shade, 
 
 I love to sing ; 
 
 Live with us, maiden rare 
 Come, for we " want " thee there, 
 Thou elfin thing, 
 
 To work thy spell, 
 In some cool cell 
 In stately Pentonville !
 
 JOHN AND FREDDY 
 
 JOHN AND FREDDY 
 
 JOHN courted lovely MARY ANN, 
 So likewise did his brother FREDDY, 
 FRED was 
 
 a very soft 
 
 young man, 
 While JOHN, 
 
 though quick, 
 was most 
 
 unsteady. 
 
 Young FRED 
 
 had grace all 
 
 men above, 
 But JOHN was 
 very much 
 
 the strongest. 
 
 " Oh, dance," said she, " to win my love- 
 I '11 marry him who dances longest." 
 
 JOHN tries the maiden's taste to strike 
 
 With gay, grotesque, outrageous dresses, 
 
 And dances comically, like 
 
 CLODOCHE AND Co., at the Princess's. 
 
 But FREDDY tries another style, 
 
 He knows some graceful steps and does ' em 
 A breathing Poem Woman's smile 
 
 A man all poesy and buzzem.
 
 i8 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 Now FREDDY'S operatic pas 
 
 Now JOHNNY'S hornpipe seems entrapping : 
 Now FREDDY'S 
 graceful 
 
 entrechats 
 Now JOHNNY'S 
 skilful 
 
 "cellar-flap- 
 ping." 
 
 For many hours for 
 
 many days 
 
 For many weeks performed each brother. 
 For each was active in his ways, 
 
 And neither would give in to t'other. 
 
 After a month of this, they say 
 
 (The maid was getting bored and moody) 
 A wandering 
 curate 
 
 passed that 
 
 way 
 
 And talked 
 a lot of 
 
 goody-goody. 
 
 " Oh my," said he, 
 
 with solemn frown, 
 " I tremble for each dancing frater, 
 Like unregenerated clown 
 
 And harlequin at some thee-ayter."
 
 JOHN AND FREDDY 19 
 
 He showed that men, in dancing, do 
 
 Both impiously and absurdly, 
 And proved his proposition true, 
 
 With Firstly, Secondly, and Thirdly. 
 
 For months both JOHN and FREDDY danced, 
 The curate's protests little heeding ; 
 
 For months the curate's words enhanced 
 The sinfulness of their proceeding. 
 
 At length they bowed to Nature's 
 
 rule 
 
 Their steps grew feeble and un- 
 steady, 
 Till FREDDY fainted on a stool, 
 
 And JOHNNY on the top of FREDDY. 
 
 " Decide ! " quoth they ; " let him 
 be named 
 
 Who henceforth as his wife may rank you. 
 "I 've changed my views," the maiden said, 
 
 " I only marry curates, thank you! " 
 
 Says FREDDY, " Here is goings on ! 
 
 To bust myself with rage I 'm ready." 
 " I '11 be a curate ! " whispers JOHN 
 
 "And I," exclaimed poetic FREDDY. 
 
 But while they read for it, these chaps, 
 The curate booked the maiden bonny 
 
 And when she 's buried him, perhaps, 
 She '11 marry FREDERICK or JOHNNY.
 
 20 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 SIR GUY THE CRUSADER 
 
 SIR GUY was a doughty crusader, 
 A muscular knight, 
 Ever ready to fight, 
 A very determined invader, 
 
 And DICKEY DE LION'S delight. 
 
 LENORE was a Saracen maiden, 
 Brunette, statuesque, 
 The reverse of grotesque ; 
 Her pa was a bagman at Aden, 
 
 Her mother she played in burlesque. 
 
 A coryphee pretty and loyal, 
 In amber and red, 
 The ballet she led ; 
 Her mother performed at 
 
 the Royal, 
 
 LENORE at the Saracen's 
 Head.
 
 SIR GUY THE CRUSADER 21 
 
 Of face and of figure majestic, 
 
 She dazzled the cits 
 
 Ecstaticized pits ; 
 Her troubles were only domestic, 
 But drove her half out of her wits. 
 
 Her father incessantly lashed her, 
 On water and bread 
 She was grudgingly fed ; 
 Whenever her father he thrashed her 
 Her mother sat down on her head. 
 
 GUY saw her, and loved her, with reason, 
 For beauty Set him 
 50 mad with 
 
 bright delight; 
 
 He purchased a stall for the 
 
 season, 
 And sat in it every night. 
 
 His views were exceedingly 
 
 proper, 
 
 He wanted to wed, 
 So he called at her shed 
 And saw her progenitor whop her 
 Her mother sit down on her head. 
 
 "So pretty," said he, "and so trusting! 
 
 You brute of a dad, 
 
 You unprincipled cad, 
 Your conduct is really disgusting. 
 Come, come, now, idmit it 's too bad!
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 " You 're a turbaned old Turk, and 
 
 malignant 
 Your daughter LENORE 
 I intensely adore, 
 
 And I cannot help feeling indignant, 
 A fact that I hinted before. 
 
 " To see a fond father employing 
 A deuce of a knout 
 For to bang her about, 
 To a sensitive lover's annoying." 
 Said the bagman, " Crusader, get 
 out ! " 
 
 Says GUY, " Shall 
 a warrior laden 
 With 
 a big 
 spiky 
 knob 
 Stand idly 
 
 and sob, 
 While a beautiful Saracen 
 
 maiden 
 
 Is whipped by a Saracen 
 snob ? 
 
 "To London I '11 go from my charmer." 
 Which he did, with his loot 
 (Seven hats and a flute), 
 And was nabbed for his Sydenham armor, 
 At MR. BEN-SAMUEL'S suit.
 
 SIR GUY THE CRUSADER 23 
 
 SIR Guy he was lodged in the Compter, 
 Her pa, in a rage, 
 Died (don't know his age), 
 His daughter, she married the prompter, 
 Grew bulky and quitted the stage.
 
 24 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 HAUNTED 
 
 HAUNTED ? Aye, in a social way, 
 By a body of ghosts in dread array : 
 But no conventional spectres they 
 
 Appalling, grim, and tricky : 
 I quail at mine as I 'd never quail 
 At a fine traditional spectre pale, 
 With a turnip head and a ghostly wail, 
 And a splash of blood on the dicky ! 
 
 Mine are horrible, social ghosts, 
 Speeches and women and guests and hosts 
 Weddings and morning calls and toasts, 
 
 In every bad variety : 
 Ghosts who hover about the grave 
 Of all that 's manly, free, and brave : 
 You Ml find their names on the architrave 
 
 Of that charnel-house, Society. 
 
 Black Monday black as its school-room ink 
 With its dismal boys that snivel and think 
 Of its nauseous messes to eat and drink, 
 
 And its frozen tank to wash in. 
 That was the first that brought me grief 
 And made me weep, till I sought relief 
 In an emblematical handkerchief, 
 
 To choke such baby bosh in.
 
 HAUNTED 
 
 First and worst in the grim array 
 Ghosts of ghosts that have gone their way, 
 Which I would n't revive tor a single day 
 
 For all the wealth of PLUTUS 
 Are the horrible ghosts that school-days scared 
 If the classical 
 ghost that 
 
 BRUTUS dared 
 Was the ghost 
 
 of his "Cajsar " 
 unprepared, 
 I'm sure 
 I pity 
 BRUTUS. 
 
 I pass to critical seventeen ; 
 
 The ghost of that terrible wedding scene, 
 
 When an elderly colonel stole my queen, 
 
 And woke my dream of heaven. 
 No school-girl decked in her nurse-room curls 
 Was my gushing innocent queen of pearls ; 
 If she wasn't a girl of a thousand girls, 
 
 She was one of forty-seven ! 
 
 I see the ghost of my first cigar 
 Of the thence-arising family jar 
 Of my maiden brief (I was at the bar), 
 
 (I called the judge, " Your wushup ! ") 
 Of reckless days and reckless nights, 
 With wrenched-ofF knockers, extinguished lights, 
 Unholy songs, and tipsy fights, 
 
 Which I strove in vain to hush up.
 
 26 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 Ghosts of fraudulent joint-stock banks, 
 Ghosts of "copy, declined with thanks,*' 
 Of novels returned in endless ranks, 
 
 And thousands more, I suffer. 
 The only line to fitly grace 
 My humble tomb, when I 've run my race, 
 Is, " Reader, this is the resting-place 
 
 Of an unsuccessful duffer. " 
 
 I've fought them all, these ghosts of mine, 
 But the weapons I 've used are sighs and brine, 
 And now that I 'm nearly forty-nine, 
 
 Old age is my chiefest bogy ; 
 For my hair is thinning away at the crown, 
 And the silver fights with the worn-out brown ; 
 And a general verdict sets me down 
 
 As an irreclaimable fogy
 
 THE BISHOP AND THE BUSMAN 27 
 
 THE BISHOP ^ the 
 BUSMAN 
 
 IT was a Bishop bold, 
 And London was his see ; 
 He was short and stout and round about 
 And zealous as could be. 
 
 It also was a Jew, 
 
 Who drove a Putney 
 
 bus 
 
 For flesh of swine how- 
 ever fine ,s 
 He did not care a cuss. 
 
 His name was HASH BAZ BEN, 
 
 And JEDEDIAH too, 
 And SOLOMON and ZABULON 
 
 This bus-directing Jew. 
 
 The Bishop said, said he, 
 
 " I '11 see what I can do 
 To Christianize and make you wise, 
 
 You poor benighted Jew." 
 
 So every blessed day 
 
 That bus he rode outside, 
 From Fulham town, both up and down, 
 
 And loudly thus he cried :
 
 28 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 "His name is HASH BAZ BEN, 
 
 And JEDEDIAH too, 
 And SOLOMON and ZABULON 
 This bus-directing Jew." 
 
 At first the busman smiled, 
 And rather liked the fun 
 
 He merely smiled, that Hebrew child, 
 And said, " Eccentric one ! " 
 
 And gay young 
 
 dogs would wait 
 To see the bus go by 
 (These gay young 
 
 dogs in striking togs), 
 To hear the bishop 
 cry : 
 
 " Observe his grisly beard, 
 His race it clearly shows, 
 
 He sticks no fork in ham or pork 
 Observe, my friends, his nose. 
 
 " His name is HASH BAZ BEN, 
 
 And JEDEDIAH, too, 
 And SOLOMON and ZABULON 
 This bus-directing Jew." 
 
 But though at first amused, 
 
 Yet after seven years, 
 This Hebrew child got awful riled, 
 
 And busted into tears.
 
 THE BISHOP AND THE BUSMAN 29 
 
 He really almost feared 
 
 To leave his poor abode, 
 His nose, and name, and beard became 
 
 A bvword on that road. 
 
 At length he swore an oath, 
 The reason he would know 
 
 " I '11 call and see why ever he 
 Does persecute me so." 
 
 The good old bishop sat 
 
 On his ancestral chair, 
 The busman came, sent up his name, 
 
 And laid his grievance bare. 
 
 " Benighted Jew 
 
 he said 
 (And chuckled 
 
 loud with 
 
 Joy). 
 
 Be Christian 
 
 you, 
 
 instead of 
 
 Jew 
 Become a 
 
 Christian bov. 
 
 " I '11 ne'er annoy you more." 
 
 " Indeed r " replied the Jew. 
 " Shall I be freed ? " " You will, indeed ! " 
 
 Then " Done ! " said he, " with you ! "
 
 30 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 The organ which, in man, 
 Between the eyebrows grows, 
 
 Fell from his face, and in its place, 
 He found a Christian nose. 
 
 His tangled Hebrew beard, 
 
 Which to his waist came down, 
 
 Was now a pair of whiskers fair 
 His name, ADOLPHUS BROWN. 
 
 He wedded in a year 
 
 That prelate's daughter JANE ; 
 He 's grown quite fair has auburn hair- 
 
 His wife is far from plain.
 
 THE TROUBADOUR 31 
 
 THE TROUBADOUR 
 
 A TROUBADOUR he played 
 Without a castle wall, 
 Within, a hapless maid 
 Responded to his call. 
 
 "Oh, willow, woe is me! 
 
 Alack and well-a-day ! 
 If I were only free 
 
 I'd hie me far away ! " 
 
 Unknown her face and 
 name, 
 
 But this he knew right well, 
 The maiden's wailing came 
 
 From out a dungeon cell. 
 
 A hapless woman lay 
 
 Within that dungeon grim 
 That fact, I 've heard him say, 
 
 Was quite enough for him. 
 
 " I will not sit or lie, 
 Or eat or drink, I vow, 
 
 Till thou art free as I, 
 Or I as pent as thou." 
 
 Her tears then ceased to flow, 
 Her wails no longer rang, 
 
 And tuneful in her woe 
 
 The prisoned maiden sang:
 
 32 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 " Oh, stranger, as you play 
 
 I recognize your touch ; 
 And all that I can say 
 
 Is, thank you very much." 
 
 He seized his clarion straight, 
 
 And blew thereat, until 
 A warden oped the gate, 
 
 " Oh, what might be your will?" 
 
 " I 've come, sir knave, to see 
 The master of these halls : 
 
 A maid unwillingly 
 
 Lies prisoned in their walls." 
 
 With barely stifled sigh 
 
 That porter drooped his head, 
 
 With teardrops in his eye, 
 "A many, sir," he said. 
 
 He stayed to hear no more, 
 But pushed that porter by, 
 
 And shortly stood before 
 
 SIR HUGH DE PECKHAM RYE. 
 
 SIR HUGH he darkly frowned, 
 
 " What would 
 you, sir, with 
 
 me ? " 
 
 The troubadour 
 he downed 
 Upon his 
 bended knee.
 
 THE TROUBADOUR 33 
 
 "I 've come, DE PECKHAM RYE, 
 
 To do a Christian task ; 
 You ask me what would I ? 
 It is not much I ask. 
 
 "Release these maidens, sir, 
 Whom you dominion o'er 
 
 Particularly her 
 
 Upon the second floor. 
 
 " And if you 
 don't, my 
 
 lord" 
 He here stood 
 
 bolt upright, 
 And tapped 
 a tailor's 
 
 sword 
 " Come out, 
 you cad, 
 
 and fight!" 
 
 SIR HUGH he called and ran 
 The warden from the gate : 
 
 " Go, show this gentleman 
 The maid in forty-eight." 
 
 By many a cell they past, 
 And stopped at length before 
 
 A portal, bolted fast : 
 
 The man unlocked the door.
 
 34 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 He called inside the gate 
 
 With coarse and brutal shout, 
 "Come, step it, Forty - eight !" 
 And Forty-eight stepped out. 
 
 " They gets it 
 
 pretty hot, 
 The maidens 
 what we 
 
 cotch 
 
 Two years this 
 
 lady 's got 
 
 For collaring 
 
 a wotch." 
 
 " Oh, ah ! indeed I see," 
 The troubadour exclaimed 
 
 " If I may make so free, 
 
 How is this castle named ? " 
 
 The warden's eyelids fill, 
 And sighing, he replied, 
 
 "Of gloomy Pentonville 
 This is the female side ! " 
 
 The minstrel did not wait 
 The warden stout to thank, 
 
 But recollected straight 
 
 He 'd business at the Bank.
 
 FERDINANDO AND ELVIRA 35 
 
 FERDINANDO AND ELVIRA 
 
 Or the Gentle Pieman 
 
 PART I 
 
 AT a pleasant evening party I had taken 
 down to supper 
 
 One whom I will call ELVIRA, and we talked of 
 love and TUPPER. 
 
 MR. TUPPER and the poets, very lightly with 
 
 them dealing, 
 For I 've always been distinguished for a strong 
 
 poetic feeling. 
 
 Then we let off paper crackers, each of which 
 
 contained a motto, 
 And she listened while I read them, till her 
 
 mother told her not to. 
 
 Then she whispered, " To the ball-room we 
 
 had better, dear, be walking ; 
 If we stop down here much longer, really people 
 
 will be talking." 
 
 There were noblemen in coronets, and military 
 
 cousins, 
 There were captains by the hundred, there were 
 
 baronets bv dozens.
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 Yet she heeded not their offers, but dismissed 
 
 them with a blessing ; 
 Then she let down all her back-hair which had 
 
 taken long in dressing. 
 
 Then she had convulsive sobbings in her agitated 
 
 throttle, 
 Then she wiped her pretty eyes and smelt her 
 
 pretty smelling bottle. 
 
 So I whispered, 
 " Dear ELVRIA, 
 say, what 
 can the matter 
 be with 
 you ? 
 
 Does anything 
 you 've eaten, 
 darling POPSY, 
 disagree with 
 you?" 
 
 But spite of all I said, her sobs grew more and 
 
 more distressing, 
 And she tore her pretty back-hair, which had 
 
 taken long in dressing. 
 
 Then she gazed upon the carpet, at the ceiling 
 
 then above me, 
 And she whispered, " FERDINANDO, do you really, 
 
 really love me ? "
 
 FERDINANDO AND ELVIRA 37 
 
 " Love you ? " said I, then I sighed, and then 
 
 I gazed upon her sweetly 
 For I think I do this sort of thing particularly 
 
 neatly 
 
 " Send me to the Arctic regions, or illimitable 
 
 azure, 
 On a scientific goose-chase, with my COXWELL 
 
 or my GLAISHER ! 
 
 " Tell me whither I may hie me, tell me, dear 
 
 one, that I may know 
 Is it up the highest Andes ? down a horrible 
 
 volcano ? ' ' 
 
 But she said, "It isn't polar bears, or hot 
 
 volcanic grottoes, 
 Only find out who it is that writes those lovely 
 
 cracker mottoes ! " 
 
 "Tell me, HENRY WADSWORTH, ALFRED, POET 
 
 CLOSE, or MISTER TUPPER, 
 Do you write the bonbon mottoes my ELVIRA 
 
 pulls at supper ? " 
 
 But HENRY WADSWORTH smiled, and said he had 
 
 not had that honor : 
 And ALFRED, too, disclaimed the words that 
 
 told so much upon her.
 
 38 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 " MISTER MARTIN TUPPER, POET CLOSE, I beg 
 
 of you inform us ; " 
 But my question seemed to throw them both 
 
 into a rage enormous. 
 
 MISTER CLOSE expressed a wish that he could 
 
 only get anigh to me, 
 And MISTER MARTIN TUPPER sent the following 
 
 reply to me : 
 
 " A fool is bent upon a twig, but wise men 
 
 dread a bandit," 
 Which I know was very clever ; but I did n't 
 
 understand it. 
 
 Seven weary years I wandered Patagonia, 
 
 China, Norway, 
 Till at last I sank exhausted at a pastrycook his 
 
 doorway. 
 
 There were fuchsias and geraniums, and daffo- 
 dils and myrtle, 
 
 So I entered, and I ordered half a basin of mock 
 turtle. 
 
 He was plump and he was chubby, he was 
 
 smooth and he was rosy, 
 And his little wife was pretty, and particularly 
 
 cozy.
 
 FERDINANDO AND ELVIRA 39 
 
 And he chirped and sang, and skipped about, 
 and laughed with laughter hearty 
 
 He was wonderfully active for so very stout a 
 party. 
 
 And I said, " Oh, 
 
 gentle pieman, 
 
 why so very, 
 
 very merry ? 
 Is it purity of conscience, 
 
 or your one-and-seven 
 
 sherry ? " 
 
 But he answered, " I 'm so happy no pro- 
 fession could be dearer 
 
 If I am not humming ' Tra ! la ! la ! ' I'm 
 singing ' Tirer, lirer ! ' 
 
 " First I go and make the patties, and the pud- 
 dings and the jellies, 
 
 Then I make a sugar birdcage, which upon a 
 table swell is ; 
 
 " Then I polish all the silver, which a supper- 
 table lacquers ; 
 
 Then I write the pretty mottoes which you find 
 inside the crackers " 
 
 " Found at last ! " I madly shouted. " Gentle 
 
 pieman, you astound me ! " 
 Then I waved the turtle soup enthusiastically 
 
 round me.
 
 4 o THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 And I shouted and I danced until he 'd quite a 
 
 crowd around him 
 And I rushed away exclaiming, " I have found 
 
 him ! I have found him ! " 
 
 And I heard the gentle pieman in the road be- 
 hind me trilling, 
 
 " ' Tira ! lira ! ' stop him, stop him ! ' Tra ! 
 la ! la ! ' the soup 's a shilling ! " 
 
 But until I reached ELVIRA'S home, I never, 
 
 never waited, 
 And ELVIRA to her FERDINAND 's irrevocably 
 
 mated !
 
 LORENZO DE LARDY 
 
 LORENZO DE LARDY 
 
 DALILAH DE DARDY adored 
 An officer, late of the Guards, 
 LORENZO DE LARDY, a lord 
 A personal friend of the Bard's. 
 
 DALILAH DE DARDY was fat, 
 DALILAH DE DARDY was old, 
 
 (No doubt in the world about that) 
 But DALILAH DE DARDY had gold. 
 
 LORENZO DE LARDY was tall, 
 The flower of maidenly pets, 
 
 Young ladies would love at his call, 
 But LORENZO DE LARDY had debts. 
 
 His money-position was queer, 
 And one of his favorite freaks 
 
 Was to hide himself three times a year 
 In Paris, for several weeks. 
 
 Many days did n't pass him before 
 He fanned himself into a flame, 
 
 For a beautiful " DAM DU COMPTWORE,'* 
 And this was her singular name :
 
 42 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 ALICE EULALIE CORALINE 
 
 EUPHROSINE COLOMBINA THERESE 
 
 JULIETTE STEPHANIE CELESTINE 
 
 CHARLOTTE RUSSE DE LA SAUCE MAYONNAISE. 
 
 She booked all the orders and tin, 
 Accoutred in showy fal-lal, 
 
 At a two-fifty 
 
 Restaurant, in 
 The glittering 
 Palais Royal. 
 
 He 'd gaze in 
 her orbit 
 of blue, 
 Her hand 
 he would 
 tenderly 
 squeeze, 
 
 But the words of her tongue that he knew 
 Were limited strictly to these : 
 
 " CORALINE CELESTINE EULALIE, 
 
 Houp la ! Je vous aime, oui, mossoo, 
 
 Combien donnez moi aujourd'hui 
 
 Bonjour, Mademoiselle, parlez voo." 
 
 MADEMOISELLE DE LA SAUCE MAYONNAISE 
 Was a witty and beautiful miss, 
 
 Extremely correct in her ways, 
 
 But her English consisted of this :
 
 LORENZO DE LARDY 43 
 
 " Oh my ! pretty man, if you please, 
 Blom boodin, biftek, currie lamb, 
 
 Bouldogue, two franc half, quite ze cheese, 
 Rosbif, me spik Angleesh godam." 
 
 He 'd gaze in her eyes all the day, 
 Admiring their sparkle and dance, 
 
 And list while she rattled away 
 In the musical accents of France. 
 
 A waiter, for seasons before, 
 
 Had basked in her beautiful gaze, 
 
 And burnt to dismember MILOR, 
 
 He loved DE LA SAUCE MAYONNAISE. 
 
 He said to her, " Mechanic THERESE, 
 Avec desespoir tu m'accables, 
 
 Pense tu, DE LA SAUCE MAYONNAISE, 
 Ses intentions sont honorables. 
 
 " Flirtez toujours, ma belle, si tu oses 
 Jc me vengerai ainsi, ma chere, 
 
 Je le dirai de quoi on compose 
 Vol au vent a la Financier e ! ' ' 
 
 LORD LARDY knew nothing of this 
 The waiter's devotion ignored, 
 
 But he gazed on the beautiful miss, 
 And never seemed weary or bored.
 
 44 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 The waiter would screw up his nerve, 
 His fingers he 'd snap and he 'd dance 
 And LORD LARDY 
 would smile 
 and observe, 
 " How strange 
 are the customs 
 of France ! " 
 
 ^s=. Well, after delaying 
 
 a space, 
 His tradesmen no 
 
 longer would wait: 
 Returning to England apace, 
 He yielded himself to his fate. 
 
 LORD LARDY espoused, with a groan, 
 Miss DARDY'S developing charms, 
 
 And agreed to tag on to his own, 
 
 Her name and her newly-found arms. 
 
 The waiter he knelt at the toes 
 
 Of an ugly and thin coryphee, 
 Who danced in the hindermost rows 
 
 At the Theatre des Varietes. 
 
 MADEMOISELLE DE LA SAUCE MAYON- 
 NAISE 
 
 Did n't yield to a gnawing despair, 
 But married a soldier, and plays 
 
 As a pretty and pert Vivandiere.
 
 DISILLUSIONED 45 
 
 DISILLUSIONED 
 
 By an Ex-Enthusiast 
 
 OH, that my soul its gods could see 
 As years ago they seemed to me 
 When first I painted them ; 
 Invested with the circumstance 
 Of old conventional romance : 
 Exploded theorem ! 
 
 The bard who could, all men above, 
 Inflame my soul with songs of love, 
 
 And, with his verse, inspire 
 The craven soul who feared to die, 
 With all the glow of chivalry 
 
 And old heroic fire ; 
 
 I found him in a beerhouse tap 
 Awaking from a gin-born nap, 
 
 With pipe and sloven dress ;
 
 46 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 Amusing chums, who fooled his bent, 
 With muddy, maudlin sentiment, 
 And tipsy foolishness ! 
 
 The novelist, whose painting pen 
 To legions of fictitious men 
 
 A real existence lends, 
 Brain-people whom we rarely fail, 
 Whene'er we hear their names, to hail 
 
 As old and welcome friends, 
 
 I found in clumsy, snuffy suit, 
 In seedy glove, and blucher boot, 
 
 Uncomfortably big. 
 Particularly commonplace, 
 With vulgar, coarse, stock-broking face, 
 
 And spectacles and wig. 
 
 My favorite actor 
 
 who, at will, 
 With mimic woe my 
 
 eyes could fill 
 With unaccustomed 
 
 brine : 
 A being who appeared 
 
 to me 
 (Before I knew him 
 
 well) to be 
 A song incarnadine ; 
 
 I found a coarse unpleasant man 
 
 With speckled chin unhealthy, wan -
 
 DISILLUSIONED 47 
 
 Of self-importance full : 
 Existing in an atmosphere 
 That reeked of gin and pipes and beer 
 
 Conceited, fractious, dull. 
 
 The warrior whose ennobled name 
 Is woven with his country's fame, 
 
 Triumphant over all, 
 I found weak, palsied, bloated, blear ; 
 His province seemed to be, to leer 
 
 At bonnets in Pall Mall. 
 
 Would that ye always shone, who write, 
 Bathed in your own innate lime-light, 
 
 And ye who battles wage, 
 Or that in darkness I had died 
 Before my soul had ever sighed 
 
 To see you off the stage !
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 BABETTE'S LOVE 
 
 BABETTE she was a fisher gal, 
 With jupon striped and cap in crimps, 
 She passed her days inside the Halle, 
 
 Or collaring of little shrimps. 
 Yet she was sweet as flowers in May, 
 With no professional bouquet. 
 
 JACOT was, of the Customs bold, 
 An officer, at gay Boulogne, 
 He loved 
 
 BABETTE 
 his love 
 he told 
 And sighed, 
 " Oh, soyez 
 vous my own ! " 
 But "Non!" 
 said she r 
 " JACOT. 
 my pet, 
 Vous etes trop scraggy pour BABETTE. 
 
 "Of one alone I nightly dream, 
 An able mariner is he, 
 
 And gaily serves the Gen'ral Steam- 
 Boat Navigation Companee, 
 
 I '11 marry him, if he but will 
 
 His name, I rather think, is BILL.
 
 BABETTE'S LOVE 
 
 49 
 
 "I see him when he 's not aware, 
 
 Upon our hospitable coast, 
 Reclining with an easy air, 
 
 Upon the fort against a post, 
 A-thinking His native 
 
 of, I '11 Chelsea 
 
 dare f ar 
 
 to say, 
 
 away 
 
 " Oh, mon ! " exclaimed the 
 
 Customs bold, 
 " Mes yeux ! " he said, which means, "my 
 
 eye." 
 " Oh, chere ! " he also cried, I 'm told, 
 
 " Par Jove," he added, with a sigh. 
 " Oh, mon! oh, chere! mes yeux! par Jove ! 
 Je n'aime pas cet enticing cove ! " 
 
 The Panther 1 s Captain stood hard by, 
 
 He was a man of morals strict, 
 If e'er a sailor winked his eye, 
 
 Straightway he had that sailor licked, 
 Mast-headed all (such was his code) 
 Who dashed or jiggered, blessed or blowed. 
 
 He wept to think a tar of his 
 
 Should lean so gracefully on posts, 
 
 He sighed and sobbed to think of this, 
 On foreign, French, and friendly coasts. 
 
 "It's human natur', p'raps if so, 
 Oh, isn't human natur' low ! " 
 4
 
 50 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 He called his BILL, who pulled his curl, 
 He said, "My BILL, I understand 
 
 You've captivated some 
 
 young gurl 
 
 On this here French 
 and foreign land. 
 Her tender heart your 
 
 beauties jog 
 They do, you know they 
 do, you dog. 
 
 "You have a graceful way, I learn, 
 
 Of leaning airily on posts, 
 By which you 've been and caused to burn 
 
 A tender flame on these here coasts. 
 A fisher gurl, I much regret, 
 Her age, sixteen her name BABETTE. 
 
 " You '11 marry her, you gentle tar 
 
 Your union I myself will bless ; 
 And when you matrimonied are, 
 
 I will appoint her stewardess." 
 But WILLIAM hitched himself and sighed, 
 And cleared his throat, and thus 
 replied : 
 
 " Not so : unless you 're fond 
 
 of strife, 
 You'd better mind your own 
 
 affairs ; 
 I have an able-bodied wife 
 
 Awaiting me at Wapping Stairs ;
 
 BABETTE'S LOVE 5 
 
 If all this here to her I tell, 
 
 She '11 larrup me, and you as well. 
 
 " Skin-deep, and valued at a pin, 
 Is beauty such as VENUS owns 
 
 Her beauty is beneath her skin, 
 And lies in layers on her bones. 
 
 The other sailors of the crew, 
 
 They always calls her ' Wapping Sue ! ' : 
 
 " Oho ! " the Captain said, " I see ! 
 And is she then so very strong ? " 
 " She 'd take your honor's scruff," said he, 
 "And pitch you over to Bolong ! " 
 "I pardon you," the Captain said, 
 "The fair BABETTE you needn't wed." 
 
 Perhaps the Customs had his will, 
 
 And coaxed the scornful girl to wed : 
 Perhaps the Captain and his BILL, 
 And WILLIAM'S little wife are dead ; 
 Or p'r'aps they 're all alive and weli : 
 I cannot, cannot, cannot tell.
 
 52 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 TO MY BRIDE 
 
 ( Whoever she may be ) 
 
 OH ! little maid ! (I do not know your 
 name 
 
 Or who you are, so, as a safe pre- 
 caution 
 
 I '11 add) Oh, buxom widow ! mar- 
 ried dame ! 
 (As one of these must be your present 
 
 portion) 
 
 Listen, while I unveil prophetic lore for you, 
 And sing the fate that Fortune has in store for you. 
 
 You '11 marry soon within a year or twain 
 
 A bachelor of circa two and thirty, 
 Tall, gentlemanly, but extremely plain, 
 
 And, when you 're intimate, you '11 call him 
 
 " BERTIE." 
 Neat dresses well ; his temper has been 
 
 classified 
 As hasty ; but he 's very quickly pacified. 
 
 You '11 find him working mildly at the Bar, 
 After a touch at two or three professions, 
 
 From easy affluence extremely far ; 
 
 A briefer two on Circuit " soup" at 
 Sessions ; 
 
 A pound or two from whist, and backing horses, 
 
 And, say three hundred from his own resources.
 
 TO MY BRIDE 53 
 
 Quiet in harness; free from serious vice, 
 
 His faults are not particularly shady, 
 You'll never find him "shy" for, once or 
 
 twice 
 
 Already, he 's been driven by a lady, 
 Who parts with him perhaps a poor excuse 
 
 for him 
 Because she has n't any further use for him. 
 
 Oh ! bride of mine tall, dumpy, dark or fair ! 
 Oh ! widow wife, maybe, or blushing 
 
 maiden, 
 
 I 've told your fortune ; solved the gravest care 
 With which your mind has hitherto been 
 
 laden, 
 
 I 've prophesied correctly, never doubt it ; 
 Nowtell me mine and please be quick about it ! 
 
 You only you can tell me, an' you will, 
 To whom I 'm destined shortly to be mated. 
 
 Will she run up a heavy modiste' s bill ? 
 If so, I want to hear her income stated. 
 
 (This is a point which interests me greatly), 
 
 To quote the bard, "Oh! have I seen her 
 lately ? " 
 
 Say, must I wait till husband number one 
 Is comfortably stowed away at Woking ? 
 
 How is her hair most usually done ? 
 
 And tell me, please, will she object to smoking ? 
 
 The color of her eyes, too, you may mention : 
 
 Come, Sybil, prophesy I'm all attention.
 
 54 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 THE FOLLY OF BROWN 
 
 By a General Agent 
 
 I KNEW a boor a clownish card, 
 (His only friends were pigs and cows and 
 The poultry of a small farmyard) 
 
 Who came into two hundred thousand. 
 
 Good fortune worked no change in BROWN, 
 Though she's a mighty social chymist : 
 
 He was a clown and by a clown 
 I do not mean a pantomimist. 
 
 It left him quiet, calm, and cool, 
 
 Though hardly knowing what a crown was - 
 You can't imagine what a fool 
 
 Poor rich, uneducated BROWII was ! 
 
 He scouted all who wished to come 
 And give him monetary schooling ; 
 
 And I propose to give you some 
 Idea of his insensate fooling.
 
 THE FOLLY OF BROWN 
 
 55 
 
 I formed a company or two 
 (Of course I don't 
 know what the 
 rest meant, 
 
 / formed 
 them 
 solely 
 with a 
 view 
 
 To help 
 him to 
 a sound 
 invest- 
 ment) . 
 
 Their objects were their only cares 
 To justify their Boards in showing 
 
 A handsome dividend on shares, 
 
 And keep their good promoter going. 
 
 But no - the lout prefers his brass, 
 Though shares at par I freely proffer : 
 
 Yes will it be believed ? the ass 
 
 Declines, with thanks, my well-meant offer ! 
 
 He added, with 
 
 a bumpkin's 
 
 grin, 
 
 (A weakly 
 intellect 
 
 denoting) 
 He 'd rather 
 
 not invest 
 it in 
 A company of my promoting !
 
 56 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 'You have two hundred ' thou ' or more," 
 Said I. " You '11 waste it, lose it, lend it 
 
 Come, take I '11 gladly 
 
 my show you 
 
 furnished how to 
 
 second spend 
 
 floor, it." 
 
 But will it be believed 
 
 that he, 
 With grin upon his face 
 
 of poppy, 
 Declined my aid, while thanking me 
 
 For what he called my " philanthroppy "? 
 
 Some blind, suspicious fools rejoice 
 
 In doubting friends who wouldn't harm 
 
 them ; 
 They will not hear the charmer's voice, 
 
 However wisely he may charm them. 
 
 I showed him that his coat, all dust, 
 
 Top boots and cords provoked compassion, 
 
 And proved that men of station must 
 Conform to the decrees of fashion. 
 
 I showed him where to buy his hat, 
 
 To coat him, trouser him, and boot him ; 
 
 But no he would n't hear of that 
 
 "He didn't think the style would suit 
 him!"
 
 THE FOLLY OF BROWN 57 
 
 I offered him a county seat, 
 And made no 
 end of an 
 
 oration j 
 f made it 
 
 certainly 
 
 complete, 
 And intro- 
 duced the 
 
 deputation. 
 
 But no the clown my prospects blights 
 (The worth of birth it surely teaches !) 
 
 " Why should I want to spend my nights 
 In Parliament, a-making speeches ? 
 
 " I haven't never been to school 
 I ain't had not no eddication 
 
 And I should surely be a fool 
 
 To publish that to all the nation ! " 
 
 I offered him a trotting horse 
 
 No hack had ever trotted faster 
 
 I also offered him, of course, 
 
 A rare and curious " old Master." 
 
 I offered to procure him weeds 
 Wines fit for one in his position 
 
 But, though an ass in all his deeds, 
 He'd learnt the meaning of "c 
 
 sion.
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 He called me "thief" the other day, 
 And daily from his door he thrusts me ; 
 Much more Begin to 
 of this, 
 and 
 
 soon 
 I may 
 
 think that 
 BROWN 
 mistrusts 
 me. 
 
 So deaf to all sound Reason's 
 
 rule 
 
 This poor uneducated clown is, 
 You cannot fancy what a fool 
 Poor rich uneducated BROWN is.
 
 SIR MACKLIN 59 
 
 SIR MACKLIN 
 
 OF all the youths I ever saw 
 None were so wicked, vain, or silly, 
 So lost to shame and Sunday law 
 
 As worldly TOM, and BOB, and BILLY. 
 
 For every (Such was their 
 
 o3.Du3t n p<i v 3 nd 
 
 day they thoughtless 
 
 walked natur ) 
 
 In parks or gardens, where they talked 
 From three to six, or even later. 
 
 SIR MACKLIN was a priest severe 
 In conduct and in conversation, 
 
 It did a sinner good to hear 
 Him deal in ratiocination. 
 
 He could in every action show 
 
 Some sin, and nobody could doubt him. 
 He argued high, he argued low, 
 
 He also argued round about him. 
 
 He wept to think each thoughtless youth 
 Contained of wickedness a skinful, 
 
 And burnt to teach the awful truth, 
 That walking out on Sunday 's sinful.
 
 60 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 "Oh, youths," said he, "I grieve to find 
 The course oflife you 've been and hit on- 
 Sit down," said 
 he, " and 
 
 never mind 
 The pennies for 
 the chairs 
 
 you sit on. 
 
 " My opening head is 'Kensington,' 
 How walking there the sinner hardens, 
 
 Which when I have enlarged upon, 
 I go to ' Secondly ' its ' Gardens.' 
 
 " My ' Thirdly ' comprehendeth ' Hyde,' 
 Of Secrecy the guilt, and shameses : 
 
 My ' Fourthly' ' Park ' its verdure wide - 
 My ' Fifthly ' comprehends ' St. James's.' 
 
 " That matter settled I shall reach 
 The ' Sixthly ' in my solemn tether, 
 
 And show that what is true of each, 
 Is also true of all, together. 
 
 " Then I shall demonstrate to you, 
 According to the rules of Whately, 
 
 That what is true of all, is true 
 Of each, considered separately." 
 
 In lavish stream his accents flow, 
 
 TOM, BOB, and BILLY dare not flout him ; 
 He argued high, he argued low, 
 
 He also argued round about him.
 
 SIR MACKLIN 61 
 
 " Ha, ha ! " he said, " you loathe your ways, 
 
 You writhe at these, my words of warning, 
 In agony your hands 
 
 you raise." 
 (And so they did, 
 for they were 
 yawning. ) 
 
 To "Twenty-firstly " 
 
 on they go, 
 The lads do not 
 attempt to scout 
 him ; 
 
 He argued high, he argued low, 
 He also argued round about him. 
 
 " Ho, ho ! " he cries, " you bow your crests 
 My eloquence has set you weeping ; 
 In shame you bend 
 upon your 
 
 breasts ! " 
 (And so they did, 
 for they were 
 sleeping. ) 
 
 He proved them 
 
 this he proved 
 them that 
 This good but weari- 
 some ascetic ; 
 
 He jumped and thumped upon his hat, 
 He was so very energetic.
 
 62 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 His Bishop at this moment chanced 
 
 To pass, and found the road encumbered ; 
 
 He noticed how the Churchman danced, 
 And how his congregation slumbered. 
 
 The hundred and eleventh head 
 
 The priest completed of his stricture ; 
 
 "Oh, bosh ! " the worthy Bishop said, 
 And walked him off, as in the picture.
 
 YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL" 63 
 
 THE YARN OF THE 
 "NANCY BELL" 
 
 v I \ WAS on the shores that round our 
 A coast 
 
 From Deal to Ramsgate span 
 That I found 
 alone, on 
 a piece 
 
 of stone, 
 An elderly 
 naval man. 
 
 His hair was weedy, his beard was long, 
 
 And weedy and long was he, 
 And I heard this wight on the shore recite, 
 
 In a singular minor key : 
 
 " Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, 
 
 And the mate of the Nancy brig, 
 And a bo' sun tight, and a midshipmite, 
 
 And the crew of the captain's gig." 
 
 And he shook his fists and he tore his hair, 
 
 Till I really felt afraid ; 
 
 For I couldn't help thinking the man had been 
 drinking, 
 
 And so I simply said :
 
 64 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 " Oh, elderly man, it 's little I know 
 Of the duties of men of the sea, 
 
 And I '11 eat my hand if I understand 
 How you can possibly be 
 
 *' At once a cook, and a captain bold, 
 And the mate of the Nancy brig, 
 
 And a bo' sun tight and a midshipmite, 
 And the crew of the captain's gig." 
 
 Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which 
 
 Is a trick all seamen larn, 
 And having got rid of a thumping quid, 
 
 He spun this painful yarn : 
 
 " 'T was in the good ship Nancy Bell 
 That we sailed to the Indian sea, 
 
 And there on a reef we come to grief, 
 Which has often occurred to me. 
 
 " And pretty nigh all o' the crew was drowned 
 (There was seventy-seven o' soul), 
 
 And only ten of the Nancy's men 
 Said ' Here ! ' to the muster roll. 
 
 " There was me and the cook and the captain 
 bold, 
 
 And the mate of the Nancy brig, 
 And the bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, 
 
 And the crew of the captain's gig.
 
 YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL" 65 
 
 " For a month we 'd neither wittles nor 
 drink, 
 
 Till a-hungry we did feel, 
 So, we drawed a lot, and, accordin' shot, 
 
 The captain for our meal. 
 
 " The next lot fell to the Nancy's mate, 
 
 And a delicate dish he made ; 
 Then our appetite with the midshipmite 
 
 We seven survivors stayed. 
 
 " And then we murdered the bo' sun tight, 
 
 And he much resembled pig ; 
 Then we wittled free, did the cook and me, 
 
 On the crew of the captain's gig. 
 
 " Then only the cook and me was left, 
 
 And the delicate question, ' Which 
 Of us two goes to the kettle ? ' arose, 
 And we argued it out as sich. 
 
 " For I loved that cook as a brother, I did, 
 And the cook he worshipped me ; 
 
 But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be 
 
 stowed 
 In the other chap's hold, you see. 
 
 " ' I Ml be eat if you dines off me,' says TOM, 
 'Yes, that,' says I, ' you Ml be,' - 
 
 ' I 'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I, 
 And ' Exactly so,' quoth he. 
 5
 
 66 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 " Says he, ' Dear JAMES, to murder me 
 Were a foolish thing to do, 
 
 For don't you 
 see that 
 you can't 
 cook me, 
 While 1 
 can and 
 will cook 
 
 " So, he boils the water, and takes the salt 
 
 And the pepper in portions true 
 (Which he never forgot), and some chopped 
 shalot, 
 
 And some sage and parsley too. 
 
 " 'Come here,' says he, with a proper pride, 
 
 Which his smiling features tell, 
 ' 'T will soothing be if I let you see 
 
 How extremely nice you '11 smell.' 
 
 " And he stirred it round and round and round, 
 And he sniffed at the foaming froth ; 
 
 When I ups with his heels, and smothers his 
 
 squeals 
 In the scum of the boiling broth. 
 
 " And I eat that cook in a week or less, 
 
 And as I eating be 
 The last of his chops, why I almost drops, 
 
 For a wessel in sight I see.
 
 YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL" 67 
 
 " And I never larf, and I never smile, 
 
 And I never lark nor play, 
 But I sit and croak, and a single joke 
 
 I have which is to say : 
 
 " Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, 
 
 And the mate of the Nancy brig, 
 And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, 
 
 And the crew of the captain's gig ! "
 
 68 THE " BAB " BALLADS 
 
 THE BISHOP OF 
 RUM-TI-FOO 
 
 FROM east and south the holy clan 
 Of bishops gathered, to a man; 
 To Synod, called Pan-Anglican ; 
 
 In flocking crowds they came. 
 Among them was a Bishop, who 
 Had lately been appointed to 
 The balmy isle of Rum-ti-Foo, 
 And Peter was his name. 
 
 His people twenty-three in sum 
 They played the eloquent turn-turn 
 And lived on scalps served up in rum 
 
 The only sauce they knew. 
 When first good BISHOP PETER came 
 (For PETER was that Bishop's name), 
 To humor them, he did the same 
 
 As they of Rum-ti-Foo. 
 
 His flock, I 've often heard him tell, 
 (His name was PETER) loved him well, 
 And summoned by the sound of bell, 
 
 In crowds together came. 
 " Oh, massa, why you go away ? 
 Oh, MASSA PETER, please to stay." 
 (They called him PETER, people say, 
 
 Because it was his name.)
 
 THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-FOO 69 
 
 He told them all good boys to be, 
 And sailed away across the sea. 
 At London Bridge that Bishop he 
 
 Arrived one Tuesday night 
 And as that night he homeward strode 
 To his Pan-Anglican abode, 
 He passed along the Borough Road 
 
 And saw a gruesome sight. 
 
 He saw a crowd assembled round 
 A person dancing on the ground, 
 Who straight began to 
 
 leap and bound 
 With all his might 
 
 and main. 
 To see that dancing 
 
 man he 
 
 stopped, 
 Who twirled and 
 
 wriggled, skipped 
 
 and hopped, 
 
 Then down incontinently dropped, 
 And then sprang up again. 
 
 The Bishop chuckled at the sight, 
 
 " This style of dancing would delight 
 
 A simple Rum-ti-Foozle-ite. 
 
 I '11 learn it, if I can, 
 To please the tribe when I get back." 
 He begged the man to teach his knack. 
 " Right Reverend Sir, in Haifa crack," 
 
 Replied that dancing man.
 
 70 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 The dancing man he worked away 
 And taught the Bishop every day 
 The dancer skipped like any fay 
 
 Good PETER did the same. 
 The Bishop buckled to his task 
 With battements, cuts, and pas de basque 
 (I '11 tell you, if you care to ask, 
 
 That PETER was his name). 
 
 " Come, walk like this," the dancer said, 
 " Stick out your toes stick in your head, 
 Stalk on with quick, galvanic tread 
 Your fingers thus extend; 
 
 The attitude 's considered quaint." 
 The weary Bishop, feeling faint, 
 Replied, " I do not say it ain't, 
 
 But ' Time ! ' my Christian friend ! " 
 
 "We now proceed to something new 
 Dance as the PAYNES and LAURIS do, 
 Like this one, two one, two one, two.' 
 The Bishop, never proud,
 
 THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-FOO 71 
 
 But in an overwhelming heat 
 (His name was PETER, I repeat) 
 Performed the 
 PAYNE and 
 
 LAURI feat, 
 And puffed 
 his thanks 
 aloud. 
 
 Another game the 
 
 dancer planned 
 " Just take your ankle in your hand, 
 And try, my lord, if you can stand 
 
 Your body stiff and stark. 
 If, when revisiting your see, 
 You learnt to hop on shore like me 
 The novelty must striking be. 
 
 And must excite remark." 
 
 "No," said the worthy Bishop, "no; 
 That is a length to which, I trow, 
 Colonial Bishops cannot go. 
 
 You may express surprise 
 At finding Bishops deal in pride 
 But, if that 
 trick I 
 
 ever tried, 
 
 I should 
 
 appear 
 
 undignified 
 In Rum-ti-Foozle's 
 eyes.
 
 72 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 '* The islanders of Rum-ti-Foo 
 Are well-conducted persons, who 
 Approve a joke as much as you, 
 
 And laugh at it as such ; 
 But if they saw their Bishop land, 
 His leg supported in his hand, 
 The joke tjiey would n't understand 
 
 'T would pain them very much ! "
 
 THE PRECOCIOUS BABY 73 
 
 THE PRECOCIOUS BABY 
 
 A f^ery True Tale 
 
 (To be sung to the Air of the " Whistling Oyster.") 
 
 AN elderly person a prophet by trade 
 With his quips and tips 
 On withered old lips, 
 He married a young and a beautiful maid : 
 The cunning old blade 
 Though rather decayed, 
 He married a beautiful, beautiful maid. 
 
 She was only eighteen, and as fair as could be, 
 
 With her tempting smiles 
 
 And maidenly wiles, 
 And he was a trifle of seventy -three : 
 
 Now what she could see 
 
 Is a puzzle to me, 
 In a buffer of seventy seventy-three ! 
 
 Of all their acquaintances bidden (or bad) 
 
 With their loud high jinks 
 
 And underbred winks 
 
 None thought they 'd a family have but they 
 had; 
 
 A dear little lad 
 
 Who drove 'em half mad, 
 For he turned out a horriblv fast little cad.
 
 74 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 For when he was born he astonished all by, 
 
 With their " Law, dear me ! " 
 
 " Did ever you see ? " 
 
 He 'd a weed in his mouth and a glass in his 
 eye, 
 
 A hat all awry 
 
 An octagon tie, 
 And a miniature miniature glass in his eye. 
 
 He grumbled at wearing a frock and a cap, 
 With his "Oh, dear, oh !" 
 And his " Hang it ! you know ! " 
 
 And he turned up his nose at his excellent pap 
 " My friends, it 's a tap 
 That is not worth a rap." 
 
 (Now this was remarkably excellent pap.) 
 
 He 'd chuck his nurse under the chin, and he'd 
 say, 
 
 With his " Fal, 
 
 lal, lal " 
 
 " You doosed 
 
 fine gal!" 
 This shocking 
 
 precocity drove 
 'em away : 
 " A month 
 
 from to-day 
 Is as long as 
 
 I '11 stay 
 
 Then I 'd wish, if you please, for to hook it 
 away."
 
 THE PRECOCIOUS BABY 
 
 75 
 
 His father, a simple old gentleman, he 
 
 With nursery rhyme 
 
 And " Once on a time," 
 Would tell him the story of " Little Bo P," 
 
 " So pretty was she, 
 
 So pretty and wee, 
 As pretty, as pretty, as pretty could be." 
 
 But the babe, with a dig that would startle an ox, 
 With his C'ck ! 
 
 Oh, my ! - 
 Go along wiz 
 
 'oo, fie ! " 
 
 Would exclaim, " I 'm 
 affaid 'oo a 
 
 socking ole 
 fox." 
 Now a father 
 
 it shocks, 
 And it whitens 
 
 his locks 
 
 When his little babe calls him a shocking old 
 fox. 
 
 The name of his father he 'd couple and pair 
 
 (With his ill-bred laugh 
 
 And insolent chaff) 
 With those of the nursery heroines rare, 
 
 Virginia the fair, 
 
 Or Good Goldenhair, 
 
 Till the nuisance was more than a prophet could 
 bear.
 
 76 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 "There's Jill and White Cat " (said the little 
 bold brat, 
 
 With his loud " Ha, ha ! ") 
 "'Oo sly ickle pa! 
 
 Wiz 'oo Beauty, Bo Peep, and 'oo Mrs. Jack 
 Sprat ! 
 
 I've noticed 'oo pat 
 My pretty White Cat 
 I sink dear mamma ought to know about dat ! " 
 
 He early determined to marry and wive, 
 For better or worse, 
 With his elderly nurse 
 Which the poor little 
 boy did n't live 
 to contrive ; 
 His health did n't 
 
 thrive 
 No longer alive, 
 He died an enfeebled old dotard at five ! 
 
 MORAL. 
 
 Now elderly men of the bachelor crew, 
 
 With wrinkled hose 
 
 And spectacled nose, 
 Don't marry at all you may take it as true 
 
 If ever you do 
 
 The step you will rue, 
 For your babes will be elderly elderly too.
 
 TO PHCEBE 77 
 
 TO PHCEBE 
 
 " X^ENTLE, modest little flower. 
 
 V_JT Sweet epitome of May, 
 Love me but for half-an-hour, 
 
 Love me, love me, little fay." 
 Sentences so fiercely flaming 
 
 In your tiny shell-like ear, 
 I should always be exclaiming 
 
 If I loved you, PHCEBE dear ! 
 
 " Smiles that thrill from any distance 
 
 Shed upon me while I sing ! 
 Please ecstaticize existence, 
 
 Love me, oh, thou fairy thing ! 
 Words like these, outpouring sadly, 
 
 You 'd perpetually hear, 
 If I loved you, fondly, madly ; 
 
 But I do not, PHCEBE dear!
 
 78 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 BAINES CAREW, 
 GENTLEMAN 
 
 OF all the good attorneys who 
 Have placed their names upon the roll, 
 But few could equal BAINES CAREW 
 For tenderheartedness and soul. 
 
 Whene'er he heard a tale of woe 
 
 From client A or client B, 
 His grief would overcome him so 
 
 He 'd scarce have strength to take his fee. 
 
 It laid him up for many days, 
 
 When duty led him to distrain, 
 And serving writs, although it pays, 
 
 Gave him excruciating pain. 
 
 He made out costs, distrained for rent, 
 
 Foreclosed and sued, with moistened eye 
 
 No bill of costs could represent 
 The value of such sympathy.
 
 BAINES CAREW, GENTLEMAN 79 
 
 No charges can approximate 
 
 The worth of sympathy with woe ; 
 Although I think I ought to state 
 
 He did his best to make them so. 
 
 Of all the many clients who 
 
 Had mustered round his legal flag, 
 
 No single client of the crew 
 
 Was half so dear as CAPTAIN BAGG. 
 
 Now CAPTAIN BAGG had bowed him to 
 
 A heavy matrimonial yoke 
 His wifey had of faults a few 
 
 She never could resist a joke. 
 
 Her chaff at first he meekly bore, 
 
 Till unendurable it grew. 
 " To stop this persecution sore 
 
 I will consult my friend CAREW. 
 
 "And when CAREW'S advice I 've got, 
 
 Divorce a mensa I shall try ' ' 
 (A legal separation not 
 
 A vinculo conjugii}. 
 
 " Oh, BAINES CAREW, 
 my woe I've kept 
 A secret, hitherto, 
 
 you know ; " 
 (And BAINES CAREW, 
 ESQUIRE, he wept 
 To hear that BAGG 
 had any woe.)
 
 8o 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 "My case, indeed, is passing sad, 
 
 My wife whom I considered true 
 
 With brutal conduct drives me mad." 
 " I am appalled," said BAINES CAREW. 
 
 " What ! sound the matrimonial knell 
 Of worthy people such as these ! 
 
 Why was I an attorney ? Well 
 Go on to the s&vitia, please." 
 
 "Domestic bliss has proved my bane, 
 
 A harder case you never heard, 
 My wife (in other matters sane) 
 
 Pretends that I 'm a Dicky bird ! 
 
 " She makes me sing, ' Too whit, too wee ! ' 
 And stand upon a rounded stick, 
 
 And always introduces me 
 
 To every one as ' Pretty Dick ' ! " 
 
 "Oh, dear," 
 
 said weeping 
 BAINES 
 
 CAREW, 
 " This is the 
 direst case 
 I know" - 
 "I'm grieved," 
 said BAGG, 
 " at paining 
 you 
 To COBB and POLTERTHWAITE I '11 go
 
 BAINES CAREW, GENTLEMAN 81 
 
 " To COBB'S cold calculating ear 
 My gruesome sorrows I '11 impart" 
 
 " No ; stop," said BAINES, "I '11 dry my tear, 
 And steel my sympathetic heart ! " 
 
 " She makes me perch upon a tree, 
 
 Rewarding me with, ' Sweety nice ! ' 
 
 And threatens to exhibit me 
 
 With four or five performing mice." 
 
 " Restrain my tears I wish I could." 
 
 (Said BAINES,) "I don't know what to do " . 
 
 Said CAPTAIN BAGG, " You 're very good." 
 "Oh, not at all," said BAINES CAREW. 
 
 " She makes me fire a gun," said BAGG ; 
 
 " And at a preconcerted word, 
 Climb up a ladder with a flag, 
 
 Like any street-performing bird. 
 
 " She places sugar in my way - 
 In public places calls me ' Sweet ! ' 
 
 She gives me groundsel every day, 
 And hard canary seed to eat." 
 
 "Oh, woe! oh, sad ! oh, 
 
 dire to tell ! " 
 (Said BAINES,) 
 " Be good enough 
 
 to stop." 
 
 And senseless on the floor he fell, 
 With unpremeditated flop. 
 6
 
 82 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 Said CAPTAIN BAGG, " Well, really I 
 Am grieved to think it pains you so. 
 
 I thank you for your sympathy ; 
 
 But, hang it come I say, you know ! " 
 
 But BAINES lay flat upon the floor, 
 Convulsed with sympathetic sob 
 
 The Captain toddled off next door, 
 And gave the case to MR. COBB.
 
 THOS. WINTERBOTTOM HANCE 83 
 
 THOMAS WINTERBOTTOM 
 HANCE 
 
 IN all the towns and cities fair 
 On Merry England's broad expanse, 
 No swordsman ever could compare 
 
 With THOMAS WINTERBOTTOM HANCE. 
 
 The dauntless lad 
 could fairly 
 
 hew 
 A silken handkerchief 
 
 in twain, 
 Divide a leg 
 
 of mutton 
 
 too 
 
 And this without 
 unwholesome 
 strain. 
 
 On whole half-sheep, with cunning trick, 
 His sabre sometimes he 'd employ 
 
 No bar of lead, however thick, 
 Had terrors for the stalwart boy. 
 
 At Dover daily he 'd prepare 
 
 To hew and slash, behind, before 
 
 Which aggravated MONSIEUR PIERRE, 
 
 Who watched him from the Calais shore.
 
 84 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 It caused good PIERRE to swear and dance, 
 The sight annoyed 
 
 and vexed him so ; 
 He was the He said so, 
 bravest anc j he 
 
 man in oug h t to 
 
 France know. 
 
 " Regardez, 
 
 done, ce cochon 
 
 gros 
 Ce polisson ! Oh, 
 
 sacre bleu ! 
 Son sabre, son plomb, et ses gigots ! 
 
 Comme cela m'ennuye, enfin, mon Dieu! 
 
 " II sait que les foulards de soie 
 
 Give no retaliating whack 
 Les gigots morts n'ont pas de quoi 
 
 Le plomb don't ever hit you back." 
 
 But every day the headstrong lad 
 
 Cut lead and mutton more and more ; 
 
 And every day, poor PIERRE, half mad, 
 Shrieked loud defiance from his shore. 
 
 HANCE had a mother, poor and old, 
 A simple, harmless, village dame, 
 
 Who crowed and clapped as people told 
 Of WINTERBOTTOM'S rising fame.
 
 THOS. WINTERBOTTOM HANCE 85 
 
 She said, " I '11 be upon the spot 
 To see my TOMMY'S sabre-play ; " 
 
 And so she left her leafy cot, 
 And walked to Dover in a day. 
 
 PIERRE had a doting mother, who 
 
 Had heard of his defiant rage : 
 His ma was nearly ninety-two, 
 
 And rather dressy for her age. 
 
 At HANCE'S doings every morn, 
 
 With sheer delight bis mother cried ; 
 
 And MONSIEUR PIERRE'S contemptuous scorn 
 Filled bis mamma with proper pride. 
 
 But HANCE'S powers began to fail 
 
 His constitution was not strong 
 And PIERRE, who once was stout and hale, 
 
 Grew thin from shouting all day long. 
 
 Their mothers saw them pale and wan, 
 Maternal anguish 
 
 tore each breast, 
 And so they met to 
 
 find a plan 
 
 To set their offsprings' 
 minds at rest. 
 
 Said MRS. HANCE, " Of course I shrinks 
 From bloodshed, ma'am, as you 're aware, 
 
 But still they'd better meet, I thinks." 
 " A.ssurement ! " said MADAME PIERRE.
 
 86 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 A sunny spot in sunny France 
 
 Was hit upon for this affair ; 
 The ground was picked by MRS. HANCE, 
 
 The stakes were pitched by MADAME PIERRE. 
 
 Said MRS. H., " Your work you see 
 Go in, my noble boy, and win." 
 
 " En garde, mon fils! " said MADAME P. 
 
 " Allons ! " Go on ! " " En garde ! " 
 "Begin!" 
 
 (The mothers were 
 of decent size, 
 Though not 
 
 particularly tall ; 
 But in the 
 
 sketch that meets 
 
 your eyes 
 I 've been obliged 
 to draw them 
 small.) 
 
 Loud sneered the doughty man of France, 
 
 "Ho! ho! Ho! ho! Ha! ha! Ha! ha!" 
 
 " The French for ' Pish ! ' " said THOMAS HANCE. 
 Said PIERRE, " L' Anglais, Monsieur, pour 
 'Bah.'" 
 
 Said MRS. H., " Come, one ! two ! three ! 
 We 're sittin' here to see all fair ; '* 
 
 " C'est Magnifique ! " said MADAME P., 
 " Mais, parbleu ! ce n'est pas la guerre ! "
 
 THOS. WINTERBOTTOM HANCE 87 
 
 " Je scorn un foe si lache que vous ! " 
 Said PIERRE, the doughty son of France. 
 
 " I fight not coward foe, like you ! " 
 Said our undaunted TOMMY HANCE. 
 
 " The French for ' Pooh ! ' " our TOMMY cried. 
 
 " L' Anglais pour ' Va,' " the Frenchman 
 
 crowed. 
 And so with undiminished pride 
 
 Each went on his respective road.
 
 88 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 THE REVEREND 
 MICAH SOWLS 
 
 THE REVEREND MICAH SOWLS, 
 He shouts, and yells, and howls, 
 He screams, he mouths, he bumps, 
 He foams, he rants, he thumps. 
 
 His armor he has buckled on to wage 
 The regulation war against the Stage ; 
 And warns his congregation all to shun 
 <'The Presence Chamber of the Evil One." 
 
 The subject 's sad enough 
 To make him rant and puff, 
 And fortunately, too, 
 His Bishop 's in a pew. 
 
 So REVEREND MICAH claps on extra steam, 
 His eyes are flashing with superior gleam, 
 He is as energetic as can be, 
 For there are 
 
 fatter livings in 
 that see. 
 
 The Bishop, when it's o'er, 
 Goes through the vestry door 
 Where MICAH, very red, 
 Is mopping of his head.
 
 THE REVEREND MICAH SOWLS 89 
 
 " Pardon, my Lord, your SOWLS' excessive zeal, 
 It is a theme on which I strongly feel." 
 (The sermon somebody had sent him down 
 From London, at a charge of half-a-crown.) 
 
 The Bishop bowed his head 
 And acquiescing, said, 
 " I've heard your well-meant rage 
 Against the Modern Stage. 
 
 "A modern Theatre, as I heard you say, 
 Sows seeds of evil broadcast : well, it may 
 But let me ask you, my respected son, 
 Pray, have you ever 
 ventured into one ? " 
 
 " My Lord," said 
 
 MICAH, "No ! 
 I never, never go ! 
 What ! Go and 
 
 see a play ? 
 My goodness gracious, nay!" 
 
 The worthy Bishop said, " My friend, no doubt 
 The stage may be the place you make it out ; 
 But if, my REVEREND SOWLS, you never go, 
 I don't quite understand how you 're to know." 
 
 "Well, really," MICAH said, 
 " I 've often heard and read, 
 But never go do you?" 
 The Bishop said, "I do."
 
 9 o THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 " That proves me wrong," said MICAH, in a 
 
 trice ; 
 
 " I thought it all frivolity and vice." 
 The Bishop handed him a counter plain ; 
 "Just take this stall and go to Drury Lane." 
 
 The Bishop took his leave, 
 Rejoicing in his sleeve. 
 The next ensuing day 
 SOWLS went and heard a play. 
 
 He saw a dreary person on the stage, 
 Who Who 
 
 mouthed growled 
 
 and an d 
 
 mugged spluttered 
 
 in simulated j n a 
 
 absurd, 
 And spoke an 
 
 English SOWLS 
 had never 
 heard. 
 
 For "gaunt" wast spoken "garnt," 
 And "haunt" transformed to " harnt," 
 And " wrath " pronounced as "rath," 
 And "death " was changed to " dath." 
 
 For hours and hours that dismal actor walked 
 And talked, and talked, and talked, and talked, 
 Till lethargy upon the parson crept, 
 And sleepy MICAH SOWLS serenely slept.
 
 THE REVEREND MICAH SOWLS 91 
 
 He slept away until 
 
 The farce that closed the hi! 
 
 Had warned him not 
 
 to stay, 
 And then he went 
 
 away. 
 
 " I thought," said he, " / 
 
 was a dreary thing, 
 
 I thought my voice quite destitute of ring, 
 I thought my ranting could distract the brain, 
 But oh ! I had n't been to Drury Lane. 
 
 " Forgive me, Drury Lane, 
 
 Thou penitential fane, 
 Where sinners should be cast 
 To mourn their wicked past ! "
 
 92 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 A DISCONTENTED 
 SUGAR BROKER 
 
 A GENTLEMAN of City fame 
 Now claims your kind attention | 
 East India broking was his game, 
 His name I shall not mention : 
 No one of finely pointed sense 
 Would violate a confidence, 
 And shall / go 
 And do it ? No ! 
 His name I shall not mention. 
 
 He had a trusty wife and true, 
 
 And very cozy quarters, 
 A manager, a boy or two, 
 Six clerks, and seven porters. 
 A broker must be doing well 
 (As any lunatic can tell) 
 Who can employ 
 An active boy, 
 Six clerks and seven porters. 
 
 His knocker advertised no dun, 
 
 No losses made him sulky, 
 He had one sorrow only one 
 
 He was extremely bulky.
 
 DISCONTENTED SUGAR BROKER 93 
 
 A man must be, I beg to state, 
 Exceptionally fortunate 
 
 Who owns his chief 
 
 And only grief 
 Is being very bulky. 
 
 " This load," he 'd say, " I cannot bear, 
 
 I'm nineteen stone or twenty ! 
 Henceforward I '11 go in for air 
 And exercise in plenty." 
 
 Most people think that, should it come, 
 They can reduce a bulging turn 
 To measures fair 
 By taking air 
 And exercise in plenty. 
 
 In every weather, every day, 
 
 Dry, muddy, wet, or gritty, 
 He took to 
 
 dancing all 
 
 the way 
 From Brompton 
 to the 
 
 City. 
 You do not 
 
 often get the 
 chance 
 
 Of seeing sugar- 
 brokers dance, 
 From their abode 
 In Fulham Road 
 Through Brompton to the City.
 
 94 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 He braved the gay and guileless laugh 
 
 Of children with their nusses, 
 The loud uneducated chaff 
 Of clerks on omnibuses. 
 
 Against all minor things that rack 
 A nicely balanced mind, I '11 back 
 The noisy laugh 
 And ill-bred laugh 
 Of clerks on omnibuses. 
 
 His friends, who heard his money chink, 
 And saw the house he rented, 
 
 And knew his 
 wife, could 
 never think 
 What made 
 him 
 
 discontented. 
 It never entered 
 their pure 
 minds 
 
 That fads are of eccentric kinds, 
 Nor would they own 
 That fat alone 
 Could make one discontented. 
 
 " Your riches know no kind of pause, 
 
 Your trade is fast advancing, 
 You dance but not for joy, because 
 You weep as you are dancing. 
 
 To dance implies that man is glad, 
 To weep implies that man is sad.
 
 DISCONTENTED SUGAR BROKER 95 
 
 But here are you 
 Who do the two 
 You weep as you are dancing ! " 
 
 His mania soon got noised about 
 
 And into all the papers 
 His size increased beyond a doubt 
 For all his reckless capers : 
 It may seem singular to you, 
 But all his friends admit it true 
 The more he found 
 His figure round, 
 The more he cut his capers. 
 
 His bulk increased no matter that 
 
 He tried the more to toss it 
 He never spoke of it as " fat " 
 But "adipose deposit." 
 
 Upon my word, it seems to me 
 Unpardonable vanity 
 
 (And worse than that) 
 To call your fat 
 An "adipose deposit." 
 
 At length his brawny knees gave way, 
 And on the 
 carpet 
 sinking, 
 Upon his 
 
 shapeless back 
 
 he lay 
 And kicked away like winking.
 
 96 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 Instead of seeing in his state 
 The finger of unswerving Fate, 
 
 He labored still 
 
 To work his will, 
 And kicked away like winking. 
 
 His friends, disgusted with him now, 
 
 Away in silence wended 
 I hardly like to tell you how 
 This dreadful story ended. 
 
 The shocking sequel to impart, 
 I must employ the limner's art- 
 . ,^-y If you would know, 
 
 \) <^^di This sketch will show 
 
 How his exertions ended. 
 
 I hate to preach I hate to prate 
 
 I 'm no fanatic croaker, 
 But learn contentment from the fate 
 Of this East India broker. 
 
 He 'd everything a man of taste 
 Could ever want, except a waist : 
 And discontent 
 His size anent, 
 
 And bootless perseverance blind, 
 Completely wrecked the peace of mind 
 Of this East India broker.
 
 "SUPER" TO HIS MASK 97 
 
 THE PANTOMIME 
 "SUPER "TO HIS MASK 
 
 AST empty shell ! 
 
 Impertinent, preposterous abortion 
 With vacant stare, 
 And ragged hair, 
 
 And every feature out of all proportion ! 
 Embodiment of echoing inanity ! 
 Excellent type of simpering insanity ! 
 Unwieldy, clumsy nightmare of humanity ! 
 I ring thy knell ! 
 
 To-night thou diest, 
 Beast that destroy 'st my heaven-born identity ! 
 
 Nine weeks of nights, 
 
 Before the lights, 
 
 Swamped in thine own preposterous nonentity, 
 I 've been ill-treated, cursed, and thrashed 
 
 diurnally, 
 
 Credited for the smile you wear externally 
 I feel disposed to smash thy face, infernally, 
 
 As there thou liest ' 
 7
 
 98 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 I 've been thy brain : 
 I've been the brain that lit thy dull concavity ! 
 
 The human race 
 
 Invest my face 
 
 With thine expression of unchecked depravity, 
 Invested with a ghastly reciprocity, 
 / 've been responsible for thy monstrosity, 
 I, for thy wanton, blundering ferocity 
 
 But not again ! 
 
 'Tis rime to toll 
 Thy knell, and that of follies pantomimical 
 
 A nine weeks' run, 
 
 And thou hast done 
 
 All thou canst do to make thyself inimical. 
 Adieu, embodiment of all inanity ! 
 Excellent type of simpering insanity ! 
 Unwieldy, clumsy nightmare of humanity ! 
 
 Freed is thy soul ! 
 
 (The Mask respondeth.} 
 
 Oh ! master mine, 
 Look thou within thee, ere again ill-using me. 
 
 Art thou aware 
 
 Of nothing there 
 
 Which might abuse thee, as thou art abusing me ? 
 A brain that mourns thine unredeemed rascality ? 
 A soul that weeps at thy threadbare morality ? 
 Both grieving that their individuality 
 
 Is merged in thine ?
 
 THE FORCE OF ARGUMENT 99 
 
 THE FORCE OF 
 ARGUMENT 
 
 LORD B. was a nobleman bold, 
 Who came of illustrious stocks, 
 He was thirty or forty years old, 
 And several feet in his socks. 
 
 To Turniptopville-by-the-Sea 
 This elegant nobleman went, 
 
 For that was a borough that he 
 Was anxious to rep-per-re-sent. 
 
 At local assemblies he danced 
 Until he felt thoroughly ill 
 
 He waltzed, and he galloped, and lanced, 
 And threaded the mazy quadrille. 
 
 The maidens of Turniptopville 
 
 Were simple ingenuous pure 
 
 And they all worked away with a will 
 The nobleman's heart to secure. 
 
 Two maidens all others beyond 
 
 Imagined their chances looked well 
 
 The one was the lively ANN POND, 
 The other sad MARY MORELL.
 
 IOO 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 ANN POND had determined to try 
 And carry the Earl with a rush, 
 Her principal 
 
 feature was eye, 
 Her greatest 
 
 accomplishment 
 
 gush. 
 
 And MARY chose 
 this for her 
 play, 
 
 Whenever he 
 looked in 
 her eye, 
 
 She 'd blush and turn quickly away, 
 And flitter and flutter and sigh. 
 
 It was noticed he constantly sighed 
 
 As she worked out the scheme she had 
 
 planned 
 A fact he endeavored to hide 
 
 With his aristocratical hand. 
 
 Old POND was a farmer, they say, 
 And so was old TOMMY MORELL. 
 
 In a humble and pottering way 
 
 They were doing exceedingly well. 
 
 They both of them carried by vote, 
 
 The Earl was a dangerous man, 
 So nervously clearing his throat, 
 
 One morning old TOMMY began :
 
 THE FORCE OF ARGUMENT 101 
 
 " My darter 's no pratty young doll 
 
 I 'm a plain-spoken Zommerzet man 
 Now what do 'ec 
 
 mean by my 
 
 POLL, 
 And what 
 
 do'ee 
 
 mean by 
 
 his 
 
 ANN?" 
 
 Said B., " I 
 
 will give 
 you my bond 
 
 I mean them uncommonly well, 
 Believe me, my excellent POND, 
 And credit me, worthy MORELL. 
 
 " It 's quite indisputable, for 
 I '11 prove it with singular ease, 
 
 You shall have it in ' Barbara ' or 
 
 ' Celarcnt ' whichever you please. 
 
 " You see, when an anchorite bows 
 To the yoke of intentional sin 
 
 If the state of the country allows, 
 Homogcny always steps in 
 
 " It 's a highly assthetical bond, 
 
 As any mere ploughboy can tell ' 
 
 " Of course," replied puzzled old POND. 
 "I see," said old TOMMY MORELL.
 
 102 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 " Very good then," continued the lord, 
 " When it 's fooled to the top of its bent, 
 
 With a sweep of a Damocles sword 
 The web of intention is rent. 
 
 " That 's patent to all of of us here, 
 As any mere schoolboy can tell." 
 
 POND answered, " Of course it 's quite clear ; " 
 And so did that humbug MORELL. 
 
 " Its tone 's esoteric in force 
 
 I trust that I make myself clear ?" 
 
 MORELL only answered, " Of course," 
 While POND slowly muttered, " Hear, hear." 
 
 " Volition celestial prize, 
 
 Pellucid as porphyry cell 
 Is based on a principle wise." 
 
 " Quite so," exclaimed POND and MORELL. 
 
 " From what I have said, you will see 
 That I could n't wed either in fine, 
 
 By nature's unchanging degree 
 
 Your daughters could never be mine. 
 
 " Go home to your pigs and your ricks, 
 My hands of the matter I 've rinsed." 
 
 So they take up their hats and their sticks, 
 And exeunt ambo, convinced.
 
 THE GHOST, GALLANT, ETC. 103 
 
 The GHOST, the GALLANT, the 
 GAEL, & the GOBLIN 
 
 O'ER unreclaimed suburban clays 
 Some years ago were hobblin' 
 An elderly ghost of easy ways, 
 
 And an influential goblin. 
 The ghost was a sombre spectral shape, 
 
 A fine old five-act fogy, 
 The goblin imp, a lithe young ape, 
 A fine low-comedy bogy. 
 
 And as they exercised their joints, 
 
 Promoting quick digestion, 
 They talked on 
 
 several curious 
 
 points, 
 And raised 
 
 this delicate 
 
 question : 
 " Which of us 
 
 two is Number 
 
 One- 
 The ghostie, or the 
 
 goblin ? " 
 
 And o'er the point they raised in fun 
 They fairly fell a-squabblin'.
 
 104 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 They 'd barely speak, and each, in fine, 
 
 Grew more and more reflective, 
 Each thought his own particular line 
 
 By chalks the more effective. 
 At length they settled some one should 
 
 By each of them be haunted, 
 And so arrange that either could 
 
 Exert his prowess vaunted. 
 
 " The Quaint against the Statuesque " 
 
 By competition lawful 
 The goblin backed the Quaint Grotesque, 
 
 The ghost the Grandly Awful. 
 "Now," said the goblin, "here's my 
 plan 
 
 In attitude commanding, 
 I see a stalwart Englishman 
 
 By yonder tailor's standing. 
 
 " The very fittest man on earth 
 
 My influence to try on 
 Of gentle, p'r'aps of noble birth, 
 
 And dauntless as a lion ! 
 Now wrap yourself within your shroud 
 
 Remain in easy hearing 
 Observe you '11 hear him scream aloud 
 
 When I begin appearing ! " 
 
 The imp with yell unearthly wild 
 
 Threw off his dark enclosure : 
 His dauntless victim looked and smiled 
 
 With singular composure.
 
 THE GHOST, GALLANT, ETC. 105 
 
 For hours he tried to daunt the youth, 
 
 For days, indeed, but vainly 
 The stripling 
 
 smiled ! to 
 
 tell the truth, 
 The stripling 
 
 smiled inanely. 
 
 For weeks That 
 
 the goblin, no bl e 
 
 weird and stripling 
 
 wild, haunted ; 
 
 For weeks the stripling stood and smiled 
 
 Unmoved and all undaunted. 
 The sombre ghost exclaimed, " Your plan 
 
 Has failed you, goblin, plainly : 
 Now watch yon hardy Hieland man, 
 
 So stalwart and ungainly." 
 
 " These are the men who chase the roe, 
 
 Whose footsteps never falter, 
 Who bring with them, where'er they go, 
 
 A smack of old SIR WALTER. 
 Of such as he, the men sublime 
 
 Who lead their troops victorious, 
 Whose deeds go down to after-time 
 
 Enshrined in annals glorious ! 
 
 " Of such as he the bard has said 
 ' Hech thrawfu' raltie rorkie ! 
 
 Wi' thecht ta' croonie clapperhead 
 And fash' vvi' unco pawkie ! '
 
 106 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 He '11 faint away when I appear 
 
 Upon his native heather ; 
 Or p'r'aps he '11 only scream with fear, 
 
 Or p'r'aps the two together." 
 
 The spectre showed himself, alone, 
 To do his ghostly battling, 
 With curdling 
 groan and dismal 
 moan 
 
 And But no the 
 
 lots of chiel's stout 
 
 chains Gaelic 
 
 a-rattling ! stu ff 
 
 Withstood all 
 
 ghostly harrying, 
 His fingers closed upon the snuff 
 Which upwards he was carrying. 
 
 For days that ghost declined to stir, 
 
 A foggy, shapeless giant 
 For weeks that splendid officer 
 
 Stared back again defiant ! 
 Just as the Englishman returned 
 
 The goblin's vulgar staring, 
 Just so the Scotchman boldly spurned 
 
 The ghost's unmannered scaring. 
 
 For several years the ghostly twain 
 These Britons bold have haunted, 
 
 But all their efforts are in vain, 
 Their victims stand undaunted.
 
 THE GHOST, GALLANT, ETC. 107 
 
 This very day the imp, and ghost 
 Whose powers the imp derided 
 
 Stand each at his allotted post 
 The bet is undecided.
 
 io8 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 THE PHANTOM CURATE 
 
 A Fable 
 
 A BISHOP once I will not name his 
 see 
 
 Annoyed his clergy in the mode conventional ; 
 From pulpit-shackles never set them free, 
 
 And found a sin where sin was unintentional. 
 All pleasures ended in abuse auricular 
 The Bishop was so terribly particular. 
 
 Though on the whole a wise and upright man, 
 He sought to make of human pleasures clear- 
 ances ; 
 
 And form his priests on that much-lauded plan 
 Which pays undue attention to appearances. 
 He could n't do good deeds without a psalm 
 
 in 'em, 
 
 Although, in truth, he bore away the palm in 
 'em. 
 
 Enraged to find a deacon at a dance, 
 
 Or catch a curate at some mild frivolity, 
 
 He sought by open censure to enhance 
 
 Their dread of joining harmless social jollity. 
 
 Yet he enjoyed (a fact of notoriety) 
 
 The ordinary pleasures of society.
 
 THE PHANTOM CURATE 109 
 
 One evening, sitting at a pantomime, 
 
 (Forbidden treat to those who stood in fear 
 of him), 
 
 Roaring at jokes, sans metre, sense, or rhyme, 
 He turned and saw immediately in rear of him, 
 
 His peace of mind upsetting, and annoying it, 
 
 A curate, also heartily enjoying it. 
 
 Again, 'twas Christmas Eve, and to enhance 
 His children's pleasure in their harmless rol- 
 licking, 
 
 lie, like a good old fellow, stood to dance, 
 When something checked the current of his 
 
 frolicking ; 
 
 That curate, with a maid he treated lover-ly, 
 Stood up and figured with him in the " Cover- 
 ley ! " 
 
 Once, yielding to an universal choice 
 
 (Thecompany's demand was an emphatic one, 
 
 For the old Bishop had a glorious voice), 
 In a quartet he joined an operatic one. 
 
 Harmless enough, though ne'er a word of grace 
 in it, 
 
 When, lo ! that curate came and took the bass 
 
 One day, when passing through a quiet street, 
 He stopped awhile and joined a Punch's gath- 
 ering ; 
 
 And chuckled more than solemn folk think meet, 
 To see that gentleman his Judy lathering ;
 
 no THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 And heard, as Punch was being treated penally, 
 That phantom-curate laughing all hyamally. 
 
 Now at a picnic, 'mid fair golden curls, 
 
 Bright eyes, straw hats, bottines that fit amaz- 
 ingly : 
 
 A croquet-bout is planned by all the girls ; 
 And he, consenting, speaks of croquet prais- 
 ingly. 
 
 But suddenly declines to play at all in it 
 The curate-fiend has come to take a ball in it ! 
 
 Next, when at quiet seaside village, freed 
 From cares episcopal and ties monarchical, 
 
 He grows his beard, and smokes his fragrant 
 
 weed, 
 In manner anything but hierarchical 
 
 He sees and fixes an unearthy stare on it 
 
 That curate's face, with half a yard of hair on it !
 
 THE PHANTOM CURATE in 
 
 At length he gave a charge, and spake this word, 
 " Vicars, your curates to enjoyment urge ye 
 
 may; 
 
 To check their harmless pleasuring 's absurd; 
 What laymen do without reproach, my clergy 
 
 may." 
 
 He spake, and lo! at this concluding word of him, 
 The curate vanished no one since has heard 
 of him.
 
 in THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 THE SENSATION CAPTAIN 
 
 NO nobler captain ever trod 
 Than CAPTAIN PARKLEBURY TODD, 
 So good so wise so brave, he ! 
 But still, as all his friends would own, 
 He had one folly one alone 
 This captain in the Navy. 
 
 I do not think I ever knew 
 A man so wholly given to 
 
 Creating a sensation : 
 Or p'r'aps I should in justice say 
 To what in an Adelphi play 
 
 Is known as "Situation." 
 
 He passed his time designing traps 
 To flurry unsuspicious chaps 
 
 The taste was his innately 
 He could n't walk into a room 
 Without ejaculating " Boom ! " 
 
 Which startled ladies greatly. 
 
 He 'd wear a mask and muffling cloak, 
 Not, you will understand, in joke,
 
 THE SENSATION CAPTAIN 113 
 
 As some assume disguises. 
 He did it, actuated by 
 A simple love of mystery 
 
 And fondness for surprises. 
 
 I need not say he loved a maid 
 His eloquence threw into shade 
 
 All others who adored her : 
 The maid, though pleased at first, I know, 
 Found, after several years or so, 
 
 Her startling lover bored her. 
 
 So, when his 
 
 orders came 
 
 to sail, 
 She did not faint 
 
 or scream 
 
 or wail, 
 Or with her 
 
 tears anoint 
 
 him, 
 She shook his hand, 
 
 and said "good-bye," 
 With laughter dancing in her eye 
 Which seemed to disappoint him. 
 
 But ere he went aboard his boat 
 He placed around her little throat 
 
 A ribbon, blue and yellow, 
 On which he hung a double tooth 
 A simple token this, in sooth 
 
 'T was all he had, poor fellow !
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 'I often wonder," he would say. 
 When very, very far away, 
 
 " If ANGELINA wears it ! 
 A plan has entered in my head, 
 I will pretend that I am dead, 
 
 And see how ANGY bears it ! " 
 
 The news he made a messmate tell 
 His ANGELINA bore it well, 
 
 No sign gave she of crazing ; 
 But, steady as the Inchcape rock 
 His ANGELINA stood the shock 
 
 With fortitude amazing. 
 
 She said, " Some one I must elect 
 Poor ANGELINA to protect 
 
 From all who wish to harm her. 
 Since worthy CAPTAIN TODD is dead 
 I rather feel inclined to wed 
 
 A comfortable farmer."
 
 THE SENSATION CAPTAIN 115 
 
 A comfortable farmer came 
 (BASSANIO TYLER was his name) 
 Who had He said, 
 no My 
 
 end of no ble gal, 
 
 treasure : be mine! " 
 
 The noble gal did 
 
 not decline, 
 But simply 
 
 said, " With 
 pleas'ure." 
 
 When this was told to CAPTAIN TODD, 
 At first he thought it rather odd, 
 
 And felt some perturbation, 
 But very long he did not grieve, 
 He thought he could a way perceive 
 
 To such a. situation! 
 
 " I Ml not reveal myself," said he, 
 
 "Till they are both in the Eccle- 
 siastical Arena ; 
 
 Then suddenly I will appear, 
 
 And paralyzing them with fear, 
 Demand my ANGELINA ! " 
 
 At length arrived the wedding day 
 Accoutred in the usual way 
 
 Appeared the bridal body 
 The worthy clergyman began, 
 When in the gallant captain ran 
 
 And cried, " Behold your TODDY! "
 
 n6 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 The bridegroom, pVaps, was terrified, 
 And also possibly the bride 
 
 The bridesmaids were affrighted : 
 But ANGELINA, noble soul, 
 Contrived her feelings to control, 
 
 And really seemed delighted. 
 
 " My bride ! " said gallant CAPTAIN TODD, 
 "She's mine, uninteresting clod, 
 My own, my darling charmer ! " 
 
 " Oh, dear," said she, " you're just too late, 
 I 'm married to, I beg to state, 
 This comfortable farmer ! " 
 
 " Indeed," the farmer said, " she's mine, 
 You 've been and cut it far too fine ! " 
 
 " I see," said TODD, " I'm beaten." 
 And so he went to sea once more, 
 " Sensation," he for aye forswore, 
 And married on her native shore 
 A lady whom he 'd met before 
 
 A lovely Otaheitan.
 
 TEMPORA MUTANTUR 117 
 
 TEMPORA MUTANTUR 
 
 LETTERS, letters, letters, letters, 
 Some that please and some that bore, 
 Some that threaten prison fetters 
 (Metaphorically, fetters, 
 Such as bind insolvent debtors) 
 Invitations by the score. 
 
 One from COGSON, WILES, and RAILER, 
 My attorneys, off the Strand, 
 
 One from COPPERBLOCK, my tailor 
 
 My unreasonable tailor 
 
 One in FLAGG'S disgusting hand. 
 
 One from EPHRAIM and MOSES, 
 Wanting coin without a doubt, 
 
 I should like to pull their noses 
 
 Their uncompromising noses ; 
 
 One from ALICE with the roses, 
 Ah. I know what that 's about !
 
 n8 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 Time was when I waited, waited, 
 For the missives that she wrote. 
 
 Humble postmen execrated 
 
 Loudly, deeply execrated 
 
 When I heard I wasn't fated 
 To be gladdened with a note. 
 
 Time was when I'd not have bartered 
 
 Of her little pen a dip 
 For a peerage duly gartered 
 For a peerage starred and gartered 
 With a palace-office chartered 
 
 Or a Secretaryship ! 
 
 But the time for that is over, 
 
 And I wish we'd never met. 
 I 'm afraid I 've proved a rover 
 I'm afraid a heartless rover 
 Quarters in a place like Dover 
 Tend to make a man forget. 
 
 Now I can accord precedence 
 
 To my tailor, for I do 
 Want to know if he gives credence 
 An unwarrantable credence 
 
 To my proffered I O U ! 
 
 Bills for carriages and horses, 
 Bills for wine and light cigar, 
 
 Matters that concern the Forces 
 
 News that may affect the Forces 
 
 News affecting my resources, 
 Now unquestioned take the pas.
 
 TEMPORA MUTANTUR 119 
 
 And the tiny little paper, 
 
 With the words that seem to run 
 From her little fingers taper 
 (They are very small and taper), 
 By the tailor and the draper 
 
 Are in interest outdone ! 
 
 And unopened it 's remaining ! 
 
 I can read her gentle hope 
 Her entreaties, uncomplaining 
 (She was always uncomplaining) 
 Her devotion never waning 
 
 Through the little envelope !
 
 120 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 AT A PANTOMIME 
 
 By a Bilious One 
 
 AN Actor sits in doubtful gloom, 
 His stock-in-trade unfurled, 
 In a damp funereal dressing-room 
 In the Theatre Royal, World. 
 
 He comes to town at Christmas time, 
 And braves its icy breath, 
 To play in 
 
 that favorite 
 
 pantomime, 
 Harlequin Life 
 and Death. 
 
 A hoary flowing 
 wig his 
 
 weird 
 Unearthly 
 
 cranium caps. 
 
 He hangs a long benevolent beard 
 On a pair of empty chaps. 
 
 To smooth his ghastly features down 
 
 The actor's art he cribs, 
 A long and a flowing padded gown 
 
 Bedecks his rattling ribs.
 
 AT A PANTOMIME 
 
 121 
 
 He cries, " Go on begin, begin, 
 Turn on the light of lime 
 
 I'm dressed for jolly Old Christmas, in 
 A favorite pantomime ! " 
 
 The curtain 's up the stage all black 
 Time and the year nigh sped 
 
 Time as an advertising quack 
 The Old Year nearly dead. 
 
 The wand of Time is waved and lo, 
 Revealed Old Christmas stands, 
 
 And little children chuckle and crow, 
 And laugh and clap their hands. 
 
 The cruel 
 
 old 
 
 scoundrel 
 
 brightens 
 
 up 
 And he waves 
 
 At the 
 death 
 of the 
 Olden 
 Year, 
 
 a gorgeous 
 
 golden cup 
 And bids the 
 
 world good 
 cheer. 
 
 The little ones hail the festive King, 
 No thought can make them sad, 
 
 Their laughter comes with a sounding ring, 
 They clap and crow like mad !
 
 izz THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 They only see in the humbug old 
 
 A holiday every year, 
 And handsome gifts and joys untold 
 
 And unaccustomed cheer. 
 
 The old ones palsied, blear, and hoar, 
 Their breasts in anguish beat 
 
 They 've seen him seventy times before, 
 How well they know the cheat ! 
 
 They 've seen that ghastly pantomime, 
 They 've felt its blighting breath, 
 
 They know that rollicking Christmas time 
 Meant Cold and Want and Death. 
 
 Starvation Poor Law Union fare 
 And deadly cramps and chills, 
 
 And illness illness everywhere, 
 And crime and Christmas bills. 
 
 They know old Christmas well, I ween, 
 
 Those men of ripened age, 
 They Ve often, often, often seen 
 
 That Actor off the stage. 
 
 They see in his gay rotundity 
 
 A clumsy stuffed-out dress ; 
 They see in the cup he waves on high 
 
 A tinselled emptiness. 
 
 Those aged men so lean and wan, 
 
 They 've seen it all before ; 
 They know they '11 see the charlatan 
 
 But twice or three times more.
 
 AT A PANTOMIME 
 
 And so they bear with dance and song, 
 And crimson foil and green ; 
 
 They wearily sit, and grimly long 
 For the Transformation Scene. 
 
 123
 
 124 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 KING BORRIA 
 BUNGALEE BOO 
 
 KING BORRIA BUNGALEE BOO 
 Was a man-eating African swell ; 
 His sigh was a hullaballoo > 
 
 His whisper a horrible yell 
 A horrible, horrible yell ! 
 
 Four subjects, and all of them male, 
 To BORRIA doubled the knee, 
 
 They were once on a far larger scale, 
 But he 'd eaten the balance, you see 
 (" Scale " and "balance" is punning, you 
 see.) 
 
 There was haughty PisH-Tusn-PooH-BAH, 
 
 There was lumbering 
 
 DOODLE-DUM-DEH, 
 
 Despairing 
 
 ALACK- A-DEY-AH, 
 And good little 
 TOOTLE-TUM 
 
 TEH 
 Exemplary TooTLE-TuM-TEH. 
 
 One day there was grief in the crew, 
 For they had n't a morsel of meat, 
 
 And BORRIA BUNGALEE Boo 
 
 Was dying for something to eat 
 
 *' Come, provide me with something to eat ! '*
 
 KING BORRIA BUNGALEE BOO 125 
 
 " ALACK-A-DEY, famished I feel ; 
 
 Oh, good little TOOTLE-TUM.TEH, 
 Where on earth shall I look for a meal ? 
 
 For I have n't no dinner to-day ! 
 
 Not a morsel of dinner to-day ! 
 
 " Dear TOOTLE-TUM, what shall we do : 
 Come, get us a meal, or in truth, 
 
 If you don't we shall have to eat you, 
 Oh, adorable friend of our youth ! 
 Thou beloved little friend of our youth ! " 
 
 And he answered," Oh BUNGALEE Boo, 
 For a moment I hope you will wait, 
 
 TlPPY-WlPPITY TOL-THE-ROL-LOO 
 
 Is the queen of a neighboring state 
 A remarkably neighboring state. 
 
 " TlPPY- WlPPITY TOL-THE-ROL-LOO, 
 
 She would pickle deliciously cold 
 And her four pretty Amazons, too, 
 Are enticing, and not very old 
 Twenty-seven is not very old. 
 
 " There is neat little 
 
 TlTTY-FoL-LfiH, 
 
 There is rollicking 
 
 TRAL-THE-RAL-LAH, 
 There is jocular 
 
 WAGGETY-WEH, 
 
 There is musical DoH-REH-Mi-FAH 
 There's the nightingale DOH-REH-MI-FAH !"
 
 126 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 So the forces of BUNGALEE Boo 
 
 Marched forth in a terrible row, 
 And the ladies who fought for QUEEN Loo 
 
 Prepared to encounter the foe 
 
 This dreadful insatiate foe ! 
 
 But they sharpened no weapons at all, 
 
 And they poisoned no arrows not they ! 
 
 They made ready to conquer or fall 
 In a totally different way 
 An entirely different way. 
 
 With a crimson and pearly-white dye 
 
 They endeavored to make themselves fair, 
 
 With black they encircled each eye, 
 
 And with yellow they painted their hair 
 (It was wool, but they thought it was hair) 
 
 And the forces 
 they met 
 in the 
 
 field : 
 And the men 
 of KING 
 
 BORRIA said, 
 " Amazon ians, 
 immediately 
 yield ! " 
 
 ; And their arrows 
 they drew to 
 
 the head, 
 Yes, drew them right up to the head.
 
 KING BORRIA BUNGALEE BOO 127 
 
 But jocular WAGGETY-WEH, 
 
 Ogled DooDLE-DuM-DEH (which was wrong), 
 And neat little TITTY- FOL-LEH 
 
 Said, " ToOTLE-Tu.M, you go along ! 
 
 You naughty old dear, go along ! " 
 
 And rollicking TRAL-THE-RAL-LAH 
 
 Tapped ALACK-A-DEY-AH with her fan ; 
 And musical DoH-REH-Mi-FAH 
 Said, " PISH, go away, you bad man ! 
 Go away, you delightful young man ! " 
 
 And the Amazons simpered and sighed, 
 
 And they ogled, and giggled, and flushed, 
 And they 
 opened 
 their 
 pretty 
 eyes 
 wide, 
 And they 
 chuckled, 
 and flirted, 
 and blushed 
 (At least, 
 
 if they could, they 'd have blushed). 
 
 But haughty PiSH-TusH-PooH-BAH 
 
 Said, " ALACK-A-DEY, what does this mean? " 
 
 And despairing ALACK-A-DEY-AH 
 
 Said, " They think us uncommonly green, 
 Ha ! ha ! most uncommonly green! "
 
 128 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 Even blundering DoooLE-DuM-DEH 
 Was insensible quite to their leers, 
 
 And said good little TooTLE-TuM-TEH, 
 
 " It 's your blood we desire, pretty dears 
 We have come for our dinners, my dears !" 
 
 And the Queen of the Amazons fell 
 
 To BORRIA BuNGALEE BoO, 
 
 In a mouthful he gulped, with a yell, 
 
 TlPPY- WlPPITY TOL-THE-R.OL-LOO 
 
 The pretty QUEEN ToL-THE-Rot-Loo. 
 
 And neat little TITTY-FOL-LEH 
 
 Was eaten by PisH-PooH-BAH, 
 And light-hearted WAGGETY-WEH 
 
 By dismal ALACK-A-DEH-AH 
 
 Despairing ALACK-A-DEH-AH. 
 
 And rollicking TRAL-THE-RAL-LAH 
 Was eaten by DOODLE-DUM-DEH, 
 
 And musical DoH-REH-Mi-FAH 
 
 By good little TOOTLE-TUM-.TEH 
 Exemplary TOOTLE-TUM-TEH !
 
 THE PERIWINKLE GIRL 129 
 
 THE PERIWINKLE GIRL 
 
 I'VE often thought that headstrong youths, 
 Of decent education, 
 Determine all-important truths 
 With strange precipitation. 
 
 The over-ready victims they, 
 
 Of logical illusions, 
 And in a self-assertive way 
 
 They jump at strange conclusions. 
 
 Now take my case : Ere sorrow could 
 
 My ample forehead wrinkle, 
 I had determined that I would 
 
 Not like to be a winkle. 
 
 A winkle," I would oft advance 
 With readiness provoking, 
 
 ; Can seldom flirt, and never dance, 
 Or soothe his mind by smoking." 
 9
 
 130 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 In short, I spurned the shelly joy, 
 And spoke with strange decision 
 Men pointed to 
 
 me as a boy 
 
 Who held them 
 
 in derision. 
 
 But I was young 
 too young, by 
 far- 
 
 Or I had been more wary, 
 I knew not then that winkles are 
 The stock-in-trade of MARY. 
 
 I had not seen her sunlight blithe 
 As o'er their shells it dances, 
 
 I 've seen those winkles almost writhe 
 Beneath her beaming glances. 
 
 Of slighting all the winkly brood 
 
 I surely had been chary, 
 If I had known they formed the food 
 
 And stock-in-trade of MARY. 
 
 Both high and low and great and small 
 
 Fell prostrate at her tootsies, 
 They all were noblemen, and all 
 
 Had balances at COUTTS'S. 
 
 Dukes with the lovely maiden dealt, 
 DUKE BAILEY and DUKE HUMPHY, 
 
 Who eat her winkles till they felt 
 Exceedingly uncomfy.
 
 THE PERIWINKLE GIRL 131 
 
 DUKE BAILEY greatest wealth computes, 
 And sticks, they say, at no-thing. 
 
 He wears a pair of golden boots 
 And silver underclothing. 
 
 DUKE HUMPHY, as I understand, 
 
 Though mentally acuter, 
 His boots are only silver, and 
 
 His underclothing pewter. 
 
 A third 
 adorer 
 had 
 
 the girl, 
 A miserable 
 
 grov'ling earl 
 Besought her 
 
 approbation. 
 
 This humble cad she did refuse 
 
 With much contempt and loathing, 
 
 He wore a pair of leather shoes 
 And cambric underclothing !
 
 132 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 "Ha! ha!" she cried, "Upon my 
 word ! 
 
 " Well, really come, I never ! 
 Oh, go along, it 's too absurd ! 
 
 My goodness ! Did you ever ? 
 
 " Two dukes would make 
 their BOWLES 
 
 a bride, 
 And from 
 her foes 
 defend 
 
 her" 
 " Well, not 
 exactly that," 
 they cried, 
 " We offer guilty splendor. 
 
 " We do not offer marriage rite, 
 So please dismiss the notion ! " 
 
 " Oh, dear," said she, " that alters quite 
 The state of my emotion." 
 
 The earl he up and says, says he, 
 " Dismiss them to their orgies, 
 
 For I am game to marry thee 
 Quite reg'lar at St. George's." 
 
 He 'd had, it happily befell, 
 
 A decent education ; 
 His views would have befitted well 
 
 A far superior station.
 
 THE PERIWINKLE GIRL 133 
 
 His sterling worth had worked a cure, 
 
 She never heard him grumble ; 
 She saw his soul was good and pure 
 
 Although his rank was humble. 
 
 Her views of earldoms and their lot 
 
 All underwent expansion ; 
 Come, Virtue in an earldom's cot ! 
 
 Go, Vice in ducal mansion !
 
 i 3 4 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 THOMSON GREEN and 
 HARRIET HALE 
 
 To be sung to the air of " An 'Orrible Talc " 
 
 OH, list to this incredible tale 
 Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET 
 HALE ; 
 
 Its truth in one remark you '11 sum 
 " Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle 
 twaddle twum ! " 
 
 Oh, THOMSON GREEN was an auctioneer, 
 And made three hundred pounds a year ; 
 And HARRIET HALE, most strange to say, 
 Gave pianoforte lessons at a sovereign a day. 
 
 Oh, THOMSON GREEN, I may remark, 
 Met HARRIET HALE 
 in Regent's 
 
 Park, 
 Where he, in 
 
 a casual kind 
 
 of way, 
 Spoke of the extraordinary beauty of the day. 
 
 They met again, and strange, though true, 
 He courted her for a month or two, 
 Then to her pa he said, says he, 
 " Old man, I love your daughter and your 
 daughter worships me ! "
 
 T. GREEN AND HARRIET HALE 13$ 
 
 Their names were regularly banned, 
 The wedding day was settled, and, 
 I've ascertained by dint of search, 
 They were married on the quiet at St. Mary 
 Abbott's Church. 
 
 Oh, list to this incredible tale 
 
 Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRTET HALE; 
 
 Its truth in one remark you Ml sum, 
 " Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle 
 twaddle twum ! " 
 
 That very self-same afternoon 
 They started on their honeymoon, 
 And (oh, astonishment !) took flight 
 To a pretty little cottage close to Shanklin, Isle 
 of Wight. 
 
 But now you '11 doubt my word, I know 
 In a month they both returned, and lo ! 
 Astounding fact ! this happy pair 
 Took a gentlemanly residence in Canonbury 
 Square ! 
 
 They led a weird and reckless life, 
 They dined each day, this man and wife, 
 (Pray disbelieve it, if you please) 
 On a joint of meat, a pudding, and a little bit 
 of cheese. 
 
 In time came those maternal joys 
 Which take the form of girls or boys,
 
 136 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 And strange to say of each they 'd one 
 A tiddy iddy daughter, and a tiddy iddy son ! 
 
 Oh, list to this incredible tale 
 Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE ; 
 Its truth in one remark you Ml sum 
 " Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle 
 twaddle tvvum." 
 
 My name for truth is gone, I fear, 
 But, monstrous as it may appear, 
 They let their drawing-room one day 
 To an eligible person in the cotton-broking 
 way. 
 
 Whenever THOMSON 
 GREEN fell sick 
 
 His -wife 
 consulted 
 DOCTOR CRICK, 
 
 From whom 
 some words 
 like these 
 would come 
 Fiat mist, sumendum baustus, in a 
 fochleyareum. 
 
 For thirty years this curious pair 
 Hung out in Canonbury Square, 
 And somehow, wonderful to say, 
 They loved each other dearly in a quiet sort of 
 way.
 
 T. GREEN AND HARRIET HALE 137 
 
 Well, THOMSON GREEN fell ill and died 
 For just a year his widow cried, 
 And then her 
 heart she 
 
 gave away 
 To the eligible 
 lodger in the 
 cotton-broking 
 way. 
 
 Oh, list to this incredible tale 
 Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE ; 
 Its truth in one remark you '11 sum 
 "Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle 
 twaddle twum ! "
 
 138 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 BOB POLTER 
 
 BOB POLTER was a navvy, and 
 His hands were coarse, and dirty too, 
 His homely face was rough and tanned, 
 His time of life was thirty-two. 
 
 He lived among a working clan 
 (A wife he had n't got at all), 
 
 A decent, steady, sober man 
 No saint, however not at all. 
 
 He smoked, but in a modest way, 
 Because he thought he needed it ; 
 
 He drank a pot of beer a day, 
 And sometimes he exceeded it. 
 
 At times he 'd pass with other men 
 A loud convivial night or two, 
 
 With, very likely, now and then, 
 On Saturdays, a fight or two. 
 
 But still he was a sober soul, 
 
 A labor-never-shirking man, 
 Who paid his way upon the whole 
 
 A decent English workingman. 
 
 One day, when at the Nelson's Head, 
 (For which he may be blamed of you) 
 
 A holy man appeared and said, 
 
 " Oh, ROBERT, I 'm ashamed of you."
 
 BOB POLTER 
 
 He laid his hand on ROBERT'S beer 
 
 Before he could drink up any, 
 And on the 
 
 floor, with 
 sigh and tear, 
 He poured 
 the pot of 
 " thruppenny 
 
 139 
 
 " Oh, ROBERT, 
 
 at this very 
 
 bar, 
 A truth you '11 
 
 be discovering, 
 A good and evil genius are 
 
 Around your noddle hovering. 
 
 " They both are here to bid you shun 
 
 The other one's society, 
 For Total Abstinence is one, 
 
 The other, Inebriety." 
 
 He waved his hand a vapor came 
 A wizard, POLTER reckoned him : 
 
 A bogy rose and called his name, 
 And with his finger beckoned him. 
 
 The monster's salient points to sum, 
 His heavy breath was portery ; 
 
 His glowing nose suggested rum ; 
 His eyes were gin-and-wsrtery.
 
 140 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 His dress was torn for dregs of ale 
 And slops of gin had rusted it ; 
 His pimpled 
 
 face was wan 
 
 and pale, 
 Where filth had 
 not encrusted it. 
 
 Come, POLTER," 
 said the fiend, 
 
 " begin, 
 And keep the 
 bowl a-flowing 
 
 on 
 
 A workingman needs pints of gin 
 To keep his clockwork going on." 
 
 BOB shuddered : " Ah, you 've made a 
 miss, 
 
 If you take me for one of you 
 You filthy beast, get out of this 
 
 BOB POLTER don't want none of you." 
 
 The demon gave a 
 
 drunken shriek 
 And crept away 
 
 in stealthiness, 
 And lo, instead, 
 
 a person sleek 
 Who seemed 
 
 to burst with 
 
 healthiness.
 
 BOB POLTER 141 
 
 " In me, as your adviser hints, 
 
 Of Abstinence you have got a type 
 
 Of MR. TWEEDIE'S pretty prints 
 I am the happy prototype. 
 
 " If you abjure the social toast, 
 
 And pipes, and such frivolities, 
 You possibly some day may boast 
 
 My prepossessing qualities ! " 
 
 BOB rubbed his eyes, and made 'em blink, 
 " You almost make me tremble, you ! 
 
 If I abjure fermented drink, 
 
 Shall I, indeed, resemble you ? 
 
 " And will my whiskers curl so tight ? 
 
 My cheeks grow smug and muttony ? 
 My face become so red and white ? 
 
 My coat so blue and buttony ? 
 
 " Will trousers, such as yours, array 
 
 Extremities inferior ? 
 Will chubbiness assert its sway 
 
 All over my exterior ? 
 
 " In this, my unenlightened state, 
 To work in heavy boots I comes, 
 
 Will pumps henceforward decorate 
 My tiddle toddle tootsicums ?
 
 142 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 ' And shall I get so plump and fresh, 
 
 And look no longer seedily ? 
 My skin will henceforth fit my flesh 
 
 So tightly and so TwEEDiE-ly ?" 
 
 The phantom said, " You '11 have all this, 
 You'll know no kind of huffiness, 
 
 Your life will be one chubby bliss, 
 One long unruffled puffiness ! " 
 
 "Be off," said irritated BOB. 
 
 " Why come you here to bother one ? 
 You pharisaical old snob, 
 
 You're wuss almost than t' other one! 
 
 " I takes my pipe I takes my pot, 
 And drunk I 'm never seen to be : 
 
 I 'm no teetotaller or sot, 
 
 And as I am I mean to be ! "
 
 THE STORY OF PRINCE AGIB 143 
 
 THE STORY OF 
 PRINCE AGIB 
 
 STRIKE the concertina's melancholy string ! 
 Blow the spirit-stirring harp like anything ! 
 Let the piano's martial blast 
 Rouse the Echoes of the Past, 
 For of AGIB, PRINCE OF TARTARY, I sing ! 
 
 Of AGIB, who amid Tartaric scenes 
 Wrote a lot of ballet-music in his teens: 
 
 His gentle spirit rolls 
 
 In the melody of souls 
 Which is pretty, but I don't know what it means. 
 
 Of AGIB, who could readily, at sight, 
 Strum a march upon the loud Theodolite. 
 
 He would diligently play 
 
 On the Zoetrope all day, 
 And blow the gay Pantechnicon all night. 
 
 One winter I am shaky in my dates 
 Came two starving Tartar minstrels to his gates, 
 Oh, ALLAH be 
 
 obeyed, 
 
 How infernally 
 they played ! 
 I remember that they 
 called themselves 
 the " Ouaits."
 
 144 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 Oh ! that day of sorrow, misery, and rage, 
 I shall carry to the Catacombs of Age, 
 
 Photographically lined 
 
 On the tablet of my mind, 
 When a yesterday has faded from its page ! 
 
 Alas ! PRINCE AGIB went and asked them in ! 
 Gave them beer, and eggs, and sweets, and scent, 
 and tin. 
 
 And when (as snobs would say) 
 
 They "put it all away," 
 He requested them to tune up and begin. 
 
 Though its icy horror chill you to the core, 
 I will tell you what 
 I never told 
 
 before, 
 
 The consequences true 
 Of that awful interview, 
 For I listened at 
 
 the keyhole in 
 
 the door ! 
 
 They played him a sonata let me see ! 
 
 " Medulla oblongata" key of G. 
 Then they began to sing 
 That extremely lovely thing, 
 
 Scherzando ! ma non troppo, ppp." 
 
 He gave them money, more than they could 
 
 count, 
 Scent, from a most ingenious little fount,
 
 THE STORY OF PRINCE AGIB 145 
 
 More beer, in little kegs, 
 Many dozen hard-boiled eggs, 
 And goodies to a fabulous amount. 
 
 Now follows the dim horror of my tale, 
 And I feel I 'm growing gradually pale, 
 
 For, even at this day, 
 
 Though its sting has passed away, 
 When I venture to remember it, I quail ! 
 
 The elder of the brothers gave a squeal, 
 All-overish it made me for to feel ! 
 
 " Oh, PRINCE," he says, says he, 
 " If a Prince indeed you be, 
 I 've a mystery 
 I 'm going 
 to reveal ! 
 
 " Oh, listen, if 
 you 'd shun a 
 horrid death, 
 To what the gent 
 
 who 's speaking to you, saith : 
 
 No ' Oiiaits ' in truth are we, 
 As you fancy that we be, 
 For (ter-remble !) I am ALECK this is BETH ! 
 
 Said AGIB, " Oh ! accursed of your kind, 
 t have heard that ye are men of evil mind ! " 
 BETH gave a dreadful shriek 
 But before he 'd time to speak 
 I was mercilessly collared from behind.
 
 146 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 In number ten or twelve, or even more, 
 They fastened me, full length upon the floor. 
 
 On my face extended flat 
 
 I was walloped with a cat, 
 For listening at the keyhole of the door. 
 
 Oh I the horror of that agonizing thrill ! 
 
 (I can feel the place in frosty weather still). 
 For a week from ten to four 
 I was fastened to the floor, 
 
 While a mercenary wopped me with a will ! 
 
 They branded me, and broke me on a wheel, 
 And they left me in an hospital to heal ; 
 
 And, upon my solemn word, 
 
 I have never, never heard 
 What those Tartars had determined to reveal. 
 
 But that day of sorrow, misery, and rage, 
 I shall carry to the Catacombs of Age, 
 Photographically lined 
 On the tablet of my mind, 
 When a yesterday has faded from its page !
 
 ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN 147 
 
 ELLEN McJONES 
 ABERDEEN 
 
 MACPHAIRSON CLONGLOCKETTY 
 ANGUS McCLAN 
 Was the son of an elderly laboring man ; 
 You 've guessed him a Scotchman, shrewd reader, 
 
 at sight, 
 
 And p'r'aps altogether, shrewd reader, you're 
 right. 
 
 From the bonnie blue Forth to the beastly Dee- 
 side, 
 
 Round by Dingwall and Wrath to the mouth of 
 the Clyde, 
 
 There wasn't a child or a woman or man 
 
 Who could pipe with CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS 
 
 McCLAN. 
 
 No other could wake 
 
 such detestable groans, 
 With reed and with 
 
 chaunter with bag 
 and with drones : 
 All day and all night 
 
 he delighted the chicls 
 With sniggering 
 
 pibrochs and 
 jiggety reels.
 
 148 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 He 'd clamber a mountain and squat on the 
 
 ground, 
 
 And the neighboring maidens would gather 
 around 
 
 To list to his pipes 
 
 and to gaze in 
 his een, 
 
 Especially ELLEN 
 McJoNEs 
 ABERDEEN. 
 
 All loved their 
 McCLAN, save 
 a Sassenach 
 
 brute, 
 
 Who came to the 
 Highlands to fish 
 and to shoot ; 
 
 He dressed himself up in a Highlander way ; 
 Tho' his name it was PATTISON CORBY TORBAY. 
 
 TORBAY had incurred a good deal of expense 
 To make him a Scotchman in every sense ; 
 But this is a matter, you '11 readily own, 
 That isn't a question of tailors alone. 
 
 A Sassenach chief may be bonily built, 
 
 He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and 
 
 kil't ; 
 Stick a skean in his hose wear an acre of 
 
 stripes 
 But he cannot assume an affection for pipes.
 
 ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN 149 
 
 CLONGLOCKETTY'S pipings all night and all day 
 Quite frenzied poor PATTISON CORBY TORBAY ; 
 The girls were amused at his singular spleen, 
 Especially ELLEN McJoNES ABERDEEN. 
 
 " MACPHAIRSON CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS, my 
 
 lad, 
 With pibrochs and reels you are driving me 
 
 mad. 
 
 If you really must play on that cursed affair, 
 My goodness, play something resembling an 
 
 air." 
 
 Boiled over, the blood of MACPHAIRSON Mc- 
 
 CLAN 
 
 The Clan of Clonglocketty rose as one man; 
 For all were enraged at the insult, I ween 
 Especially ELLEN McJoNES ABERDEEN. 
 
 " Let's show," said McCiA\, " to this Sasse- 
 nach loon 
 
 That the bagpipes can play him a regular tune. 
 
 Let's see," said McCLAN, as he thoughtfully 
 sat, 
 
 " ' In my Cot t age ' is easy I '11 practise at 
 that/' 
 
 He blew at his "Cottage," and blew with a 
 
 will, 
 
 For a year, seven months, and a fortnight, until 
 (You '11 hardly believe it) McCLAN, I declare, 
 Elicited something resembling an air.
 
 1 5 o 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 It was wild it was fitful as wild as the 
 
 breeze 
 
 It wandered about into several keys. 
 It was jerky, spasmodic and harsh, I'm aware; 
 But still it distinctly suggested an air. 
 
 The Sassenach screamed, and the Sassenach 
 
 danced ; 
 He shrieked in his agony bellowed and 
 
 pranced. 
 And the maidens who gathered rejoiced at the 
 
 scene, 
 Especially ELLEN McJoNES ABERDEEN. 
 
 ' Hech gather, hech gather, hech 
 gather around, 
 
 And fill a' ye lugs 
 wi' the exquisite 
 
 sound. 
 
 An air fra' the 
 bagpipes beat 
 
 that if ve can ! 
 Hurrah for 
 
 CLONGLOCKETTY 
 ANGUS 
 
 MC.CLAN !'' 
 
 The fame of his piping spread over the 
 
 land : 
 
 Respectable widows proposed for his hand, 
 And maidens came flocking to sit on the green 
 Especially ELLEN McJoNES ABERDEEN.
 
 ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN 151 
 
 One morning the fidgety Sassenach swore 
 He'd stand it And (this 
 
 was, I 
 
 think, in 
 
 no longer 
 he drew 
 
 his 
 claymore, 
 
 extremely 
 bad taste), 
 
 Divided CLONCLOCKETTY 
 close to the waist. 
 
 Oh ! loud were the 
 
 wailings for ANGUS 
 
 McCLAN, 
 
 Oh ! deep was the grief 
 
 for that excellent man 
 The maids stood aghast at the horrible scene, 
 Especially ELLEN McJoNEs ABERDEEN. 
 
 It sorrowed poor PATTISON CORBY TORBAY 
 
 To tind them "take on" in this serious 
 
 way ; 
 
 He pitied the poor little fluttering birds, 
 And solaced their souls with the following 
 
 words : 
 
 " Oh, maidens," said PATTISON, touching his 
 
 hat, 
 "Don't blubber, my dears, for a fellow like 
 
 that ; 
 
 Observe, I 'm a very superior man, 
 A much better fellow than ANGUS McCLAN."
 
 IJZ 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 They smiled when 
 he winked and 
 addressed them as 
 "dears," 
 
 they all of them 
 vowed, as they dried 
 up their tears, 
 A pleasanter gentleman never was seen 
 Especially ELLEN MC]ONES ABERDEEN.
 
 PETER THE WAG 
 
 PETER THE WAG 
 
 POLICEMAN PETER FORTH I drag 
 From his obscure retreat : 
 He was a merry, genial wag, 
 Who loved a mad conceit. 
 If he were asked the time of day 
 
 By country bumpkins green, 
 
 He not unfrequently would say, 
 
 " A quarter past thirteen." 
 
 If ever you, by word of mouth, 
 
 Inquired of MISTER FORTH 
 The way to somewhere 
 in the South, 
 
 He 
 
 always 
 sent 
 
 you 
 
 North. 
 
 With 
 little 
 boys 
 his beat 
 along 
 He loved to 
 
 stop and play ; 
 He loved to send 
 
 old ladies wrong, 
 And teach their feet to strav. 
 
 He would in frolic moments, when 
 Such mischief bent upon, 
 
 Take Bishops up as betting men 
 Bid Ministers move on.
 
 154 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 Then all the worthy boys he knew 
 
 He regularly licked, 
 And always collared people who 
 
 Had had their pockets picked. 
 
 He was not naturally bad, 
 
 Or viciously inclined, 
 But from his early youth he had 
 
 A waggish turn of mind. 
 The Men of London grimly scowled 
 
 With indignation wild ; 
 The Men of London gruffly growled, 
 
 But PETER calmly smiled. 
 
 Against this minion of this Crown 
 
 The swelling murmurs grew 
 From Camberwell to Kentish Town, 
 
 From Rotherhithe to Kew. 
 Still humored he his wagsome turn, 
 
 And fed in various ways 
 The coward rage that dared to burn 
 
 But did not dare to blaze. 
 
 Still, Retribution has her day, 
 
 Although her flight is slow ; 
 One day that Crusher lost bis way 
 
 Near Poland Street, Sobo. 
 The haughty boy, too proud to ask, 
 
 To find his way resolved, 
 And in the tangle of his task 
 
 Got more and more involved.
 
 PETER THE WAG 
 
 155 
 
 The Men of London, overjoyed, 
 
 Came there to jeer their foe 
 And flocking crowds completely cloyed 
 
 The mazes of Soho. 
 The news, on telegraphic wires, 
 
 Sped swiftly o'er the lea, 
 Excursion trains from distant shires 
 
 Brought myriads to see. 
 
 For weeks he trod his self-made beats 
 Through Newport- Gerrard- Bear- 
 Greek- Rupert- 
 Frith- Dean- 
 Poland-streets 
 And into 
 
 Golden-square. 
 But all, alas, in 
 
 vain, for when 
 He tried to learn 
 
 the way 
 
 Of little boys or grown-up men, 
 They none of them would say. 
 
 Their eyes w r ould flash their teeth would 
 grind 
 
 Their lips would tightly curl 
 They 'd say, " Thy way thyself must find, 
 
 Thou misdirecting churl ! " 
 And, similarly, also, when 
 
 He tried a foreign friend ; 
 Italians answered, " II balen " 
 
 The French, " No comprehend."
 
 5 6 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 The Russ would 
 say, with 
 
 gleaming eye, 
 " Sevastopol ! " 
 
 and groan. 
 The Greek said, 
 
 " TUTTTO), 
 TVirTO/AO.1, 
 
 TV7TTtV, 
 TtrTTTUIl/.' 
 
 To wander thus for many a year 
 That Crusher never ceased 
 
 The Men of London dropped a tear, 
 Their anger was appeased. 
 
 At length exploring gangs were sent 
 
 To find poor FORTH' s remains 
 A handsome grant by Parliament 
 
 Was voted for their pains. 
 To seek the poor policeman out 
 
 Bold spirits volunteered, 
 And when at length they solved the doubt, 
 
 The Men of London cheered.
 
 PETER THE WAG 157 
 
 And in a yard, dark, dank and drear, 
 
 They found him, on the floor 
 It leads from Richmond Buildings near 
 
 The Royalty stage-door. 
 With brandy cold and brandy hot 
 
 They plied him starved and wet, 
 And made him sergeant on the spot 
 
 The Men of London's pet !
 
 158 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 BEN ALLAH ACHMET 
 
 Or the Fatal Turn 
 
 I ONCE did know a Turkish man 
 Whom I upon a two-pair-back met ; 
 His name it was EFFENDI KHAN 
 
 BACKSHEESH PASHA BEN ALLAH ACHMET. 
 
 A DOCTOR BROWN I also knew 
 
 I 've often eaten of his bounty 
 The Turk and he they lived at Hooe, 
 
 In Sussex, that delightful county ! 
 
 I knew a nice young lady there, 
 Her name was ISABELLA SHERSON, 
 
 And though she wore another's hair, 
 She was an interesting person. 
 
 The Turk adored the maid of Hooe 
 
 (Although his harem would have shocked her); 
 
 But BROWN adored that maiden, too : 
 He was a most seductive doctor.
 
 BEN ALLAH ACHMET 
 
 159 
 
 They'd follow her where'er she 'd go 
 A course of action most improper ; 
 
 She neither knew by sight, and so 
 For neither of them cared a copper. 
 
 BROWN did not know that Turkish male, 
 He might have been his sainted mother : 
 
 The people in this simple tale 
 Are total strangers to each other. 
 
 One day that Turk he sickened sore, 
 Which threw him 
 straight into a 
 sharp pet ; 
 He threw himself 
 
 upon the floor 
 And rolled about 
 
 upon his carpet. 
 
 It made him moan it made him groan 
 And almost wore him to a mummy : 
 
 Why should I hesitate to own 
 
 That pain was in his little tummy ? 
 
 At length a Doctor 
 came and rung 
 (As ALLAH ACHMET 
 
 had desired) , 
 Who felt his pulse, 
 
 looked up his tongue, 
 And hummed and 
 hawed, and then 
 inquired :
 
 160 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 " Where is the pain that long has preyed 
 Upon you in so sad a way, sir ? " 
 
 The Turk he giggled, blushed, and said, 
 " I don't exactly like to say, sir." 
 
 " Come, nonsense ! " said good DOCTOR BROWN. 
 
 " So this is Turkish coyness, is it ? 
 You must contrive to fight it down 
 
 Come, come, sir, please to be explicit." 
 
 The Turk he shyly bit his thumb, 
 
 And coyly blushed like one half-witted, 
 
 " The pain is in my little turn," 
 
 He, whispering, at length admitted. 
 
 " Then take you this, and take you that 
 Your blood flows sluggish in its channel 
 
 You must get rid of all this fat, 
 And wear my medicated flannel. 
 
 "You '11 send for me, when you 're in need 
 My name is BROwn your life I've saved 
 it!" 
 
 " My rival ! " shrieked the invalid, 
 
 And drew a mighty sword and waved it : 
 
 " This to thy weazand, Christian pest ! " 
 Aloud the Turk in frenzy yelled it, 
 
 And drove right through the Doctor's chest 
 The sabre and the hand that held it.
 
 BEN ALLAH ACHMET 161 
 
 The blow was a decisive one, 
 
 And DOCTOR BROvvn grew deadly pasty 
 " Now see the mischief that you 've done, 
 
 You Turks are so extremely hasty. 
 
 " There are two DOCTOR BROWNS in Hooe, 
 He 's short and stout I'm tall and wizen ; 
 
 You 've been and run the wrong one through. 
 That 's how the error has arisen." 
 
 The accident was thus explained, 
 
 Apologies were only heard now : 
 " At my mistake I 'm really pained, 
 
 I am, indeed, upon my word now. 
 
 " With me, sir, you shall be interred, 
 A Mausoleum grand awaits me" 
 
 " Oh, pray don't say another word, 
 
 I 'm sure that more than compensates me. 
 
 " But p'r'aps, kind Turk, you 're full inside ? " 
 "There's room," said he, "for any num- 
 ber." 
 
 And so they laid them down and died. 
 
 In proud Stamboul they sleep their slumber.
 
 i62 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 THE THREE KINGS 
 OF CHICKERABOO 
 
 THERE were three niggers of Chickera- 
 boo 
 
 PACIFICO, BANG-BANG, POPCHOP who 
 Exclaimed, one terribly sultry day, 
 
 " Oh, let 's be kings in a humble way." 
 
 The first was a 
 
 highly-accomplished 
 " bones," 
 
 The T he third 
 
 next was a 
 
 elicited q u j et> 
 
 banjo retiring 
 
 tones, c hap, 
 
 Who danced an excellent 
 break-down "Hap." 
 
 " We niggers," said they, " have formed a plan 
 By which, whenever we like, we can 
 Extemporize islands near the beach, 
 And then we '11 collar an island each. 
 
 "Three casks, from somebody else's stores, 
 Shall rep-per-esent our island shores, 
 Their sides the ocean wide shall lave, 
 Their heads just topping the briny wave.
 
 THE KINGS OF CHICKERABOO 163 
 
 " Great Britain's navy scours the sea, 
 And everywhere her ships they be, 
 She '11 recognize our rank, perhaps, 
 When she discovers we're Royal Chaps. 
 
 "If to her skirts you want to cling, 
 It 's quite sufficient that you 're a king ; 
 She does not push inquiry far 
 To learn what sort of king you are." 
 
 A ship of several thousand tons, 
 And mounting seventy-something guns, 
 Ploughed, every year, the ocean blue, 
 Discovering kings and countries new. 
 
 The brave REAR-ADMIRAL BAILEY PIP, 
 
 Commanding that superior ship, 
 Perceived one day, his glasses through, 
 The kings that came from Chickeraboo. 
 
 " Dear eyes ! " said ADMIRAL PIP, " I see 
 Three flourishing islands on our lee. 
 And, bless me ! most extror'nary thing ! 
 On every island stands a king ! 
 
 " Come, lower the Admiral's gig," he cried, 
 " And over the dancing waves I Ml glide, 
 That low obeisance I may do 
 To those three kings of Chickeraboo ! "
 
 164 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 The admiral pulled to the islands three ; 
 The kings saluted him gracious/fi?. 
 The admiral, pleased at his welcome warm, 
 Pulled out a printed Alliance form. 
 
 " Your Majesty, sign me this, I pray 
 I come in a friendly kind of way 
 I come, if you please, with the best intents, 
 And QUEEN VICTORIA'S compliments." 
 
 The kings were pleased as they well could be ; 
 The most retiring of all the three 
 In a " cellar-flap " to his joy gave vent 
 With a banjo-bones accompaniment. 
 
 The great REAR-ADMIRAL BAILEY PIP 
 
 Embarked on board his jolly big ship, 
 Blue Peter flew from his lofty fore, 
 And off he sailed to his native shore. 
 
 ADMIRAL PIP directly went 
 To the Lord at the head of the Government, 
 Who made him, by a stroke of a quill, 
 BARON DE PIPPE, OF PIPPETONNEVILLE.
 
 THE KINGS OF CHICKERABOO 165 
 
 The College of Heralds permission yield 
 That he should quarter upon his shield 
 Three islands, vert, on a field of blue, 
 With the pregnant motto " Chickeraboo." 
 
 Ambassadors, yes, and attaches, too, 
 Are going to sail for Chickeraboo. 
 
 And, see, on the good ship's crowded deck, 
 A bishop, who 's going out there on spec. 
 
 And let us all hope that blissful things 
 May come of alliance with darkey kings. 
 Oh, may we never, whatever we do, 
 Declare a war with Chickeraboo !
 
 1 66 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 JOE GOLIGHTLY 
 
 Ur } the First Lord's Daughter 
 
 A TAR, but poorly prized, 
 Long, shambling and unsightly, 
 Thrashed, bullied, and despised, 
 Was wretched JOE GOLIGHTLY. 
 
 He bore a workhouse brand, 
 No pa or ma had claimed him, 
 
 The Beadle found him, and 
 
 The Board of Guardians named him. 
 
 P'r'aps some princess's son 
 A beggar p'r'aps his mother ! 
 
 He rather thought the one, 
 / rather think the other. 
 
 He liked his ship at sea, 
 
 He loved the salt sea-water ; 
 
 He worshipped junk, and he 
 
 Adored the First Lord's daughter. 
 
 The First Lord's daughter proud 
 
 Snubbed earls and viscounts nightly 
 
 She sneered at barts aloud, 
 
 And spurned poor JOE GOLIGHTLY.
 
 JOE GOLIGHTLY 167 
 
 Whene'er Upon a 
 he Channel 
 
 sailed cruise, 
 
 afar he 
 
 Unpacked his 
 
 light guitar 
 And sang this 
 ballad (Boosey). 
 
 BALLAD 
 
 The moon is on the sea, 
 
 Willow ! 
 The wind blows toward the lee, 
 
 Willow! 
 
 But though I sigh and sob and cry, 
 No Lady Jiinefor me, 
 
 Willow ! 
 
 She says, " 'T 'were folly quite, 
 Willow! 
 
 For me to wed a wight, 
 
 Willow ! 
 
 Whose lot is cast before the mast ; 
 
 And possibly she'' s right, 
 
 Willow ! 
 
 His skipper (CAPTAIN JOYCE) 
 He gave him many a rating, 
 
 And almost lost his voice 
 From thus expostulating :
 
 i68 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 "Lay out, you blubber, do ! 
 
 What's come to that young man, JOE ? 
 Belay ! 'vast 
 
 heaving ! you ! 
 Do kindly stop 
 that banjo ! " 
 
 " I wish, I do oh, lor' ! 
 
 You 'd shipped 
 
 aboard a trader. 
 Are you a sailor, or 
 A negro serenader ? ' ' 
 
 But still the stricken cad, 
 
 Aloft or on his pillow, 
 Howled forth in accents sad 
 
 His aggravating " Willow ! " 
 
 Stern love of duty had 
 
 Been JOYCE'S chiefest beauty 
 Says he, " I love that lad, 
 
 But duty, damme ! duty ! " 
 
 "Twelve years black-hole, I say, 
 Where daylight never flashes ; 
 
 And always twice a day 
 
 Five hundred thousand lashes." 
 
 But JOSEPH had a mate, 
 
 A sailor stout and lusty, 
 A man of low estate, 
 
 But singularly trusty.
 
 JOE GOLIGHTLY 169 
 
 Says he, " Cheer hup, young JOE ! 
 
 I '11 tell you what I 'm arter, 
 To that Fust Lord I '11 go 
 
 And ax him for his darter. 
 
 " To that Fust 
 
 Lord I '11 go 
 And say you love 
 
 her dearly." 
 And JOE said 
 (weeping 
 
 low), 
 
 " I wish you 
 would, 
 
 sincerely ! " 
 
 That sailor to that Lord 
 
 Went, soon as he had landed, 
 And of his own accord 
 
 An interview demanded. 
 
 Says he, with seaman's roll, 
 
 " My Captain (wot 's a Tartar), 
 
 Guv JOE twelve years' black-hole, 
 For lovering your darter. 
 
 " He loves Miss LADY JA.VE 
 (I own she is his betters), 
 
 But if you '11 jine them twain, 
 
 Thev '11 free him from his fetters.
 
 170 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 And if so be as how 
 
 You '11 let her come a-board 
 
 ship, 
 
 I '11 take her 
 with me 
 now, " 
 "Get out !" 
 remarked his 
 Lordship. 
 
 That honest 
 
 tar repaired 
 To JOE upon the billow, 
 And told him how he'd fared : 
 JOE only whispered, " Willow ! " 
 
 And for that dreadful crime 
 
 (Young sailors learn to shun it) 
 
 He 's working out his time : 
 
 In ten years he '11 have done it.
 
 TO THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE 171 
 
 To the TERRESTRIAL 
 GLOBE 
 
 By a Miserable Wretch 
 
 ROLL on, thou ball, roll on ! 
 Through pathless realms of Space 
 
 Roll on ! 
 
 What, though I 'm in a sorry case ? 
 What, though I cannot meet my bills ? 
 What, though I suffer toothache's ills? 
 What, though I swallow countless pills ? 
 Never you mind ! 
 Roll on ! 
 
 Roll on, thou ball, roll on ! 
 Through seas of inky air 
 
 Roll on ! 
 
 It 's true I 've got no shirts to wear ; 
 It 's true my butcher's bill is due ; 
 It's true my prospects all look blue 
 But don't let that unsettle you ! 
 Never you mind ! 
 
 Roll on ! [// ; oils on.
 
 172 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 GENTLE ALICE BROWN 
 
 IT was a robber's daughter, and her name 
 was ALICE BROWN, 
 
 Her father was the terror of a small Italian town ; 
 Her mother was a foolish, weak, but amiable 
 
 old thing ; 
 
 But it isn't of her parents that I 'm going for to 
 sing. 
 
 As ALICE was a-sitting at her window-sill one 
 
 day, 
 
 A beautiful young 
 gentleman 
 he chanced 
 to pass that 
 way ; 
 She cast her 
 
 eyes upon him, 
 an d ne looked 
 so good and true 
 That she thought, " I could be happy with a 
 gentleman like you ! " 
 
 And every morning passed her house that cream 
 
 of gentlemen ; 
 She knew she might expect him at a quarter 
 
 unto ten,
 
 GENTLE ALICE BROWN 173 
 
 A sorter in the Custom-house, it was his daily 
 
 road 
 (The Custom-house was fifteen minutes' walk 
 
 from her abode). 
 
 But ALICE was a pious girl, who knew it was n't 
 wise 
 
 To look at strange young sorters with expressive 
 purple eyes ; 
 
 So she sought the village priest to whom her 
 family confessed, 
 
 The priest by whom their little sins were care- 
 fully assessed. 
 
 "Oh, holy father," Alice said, " 't would grieve 
 
 you, would it not, 
 To discover that I was a most disreputable 
 
 lot ? 
 Of all unhappy sinners, I 'm the most unhappy 
 
 one!" 
 The padre said, " Whatever have you been and 
 
 gone and done ? " 
 
 " I have helped mamma to steal a little kiddy 
 
 from its dad, 
 I've assisted dear papa in cutting up a little 
 
 lad, 
 I 've planned a little burglary and forged a little 
 
 check, 
 And slain a little baby for the coral on its 
 
 neck!"
 
 1/4 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 The worthy pastor heaved a sigh, and dropped 
 
 a silent tear 
 And said, "You mustn't judge yourself too 
 
 heavily, my dear 
 It 's wrong to murder babies, little corals for to 
 
 fleece ; 
 But sins like these one expiates at half-a-crown 
 
 apiece. 
 
 " Girls will be girls you 're very young, and 
 flighty in your mind ; 
 
 Old heads upon young shoulders we must not 
 expect to find : 
 
 We mustn't be too hard upon these little girlish 
 tricks 
 
 Let 's see five crimes at half-a-crown ex- 
 actly twelve-and-six." 
 
 " Oh, father," little ALICE cried, " your kind- 
 ness makes me weep, 
 
 You do these little things for me so singularly 
 cheap 
 
 Your thoughtful liberality I never can forget ; 
 
 But, oh, there is another crime I haven't men- 
 tioned yet ! 
 
 " A pleasant-looking gentleman, with pretty 
 
 purple eyes, 
 I 've noticed at my window, as I 've sat a-catch- 
 
 ing flies ; 
 He passes by it every day as certain as can be 
 
 I blush to say 1 Ve winked at him and he has winked at me ! "
 
 GENTLE ALICE BROWN 
 
 "For shame," said FATHER PAUL, "my erring 
 
 daughter ! On my word 
 This is Why, 
 
 naughty 
 
 girl, 
 
 the 
 
 most 
 
 distressing 
 
 news 
 
 that 
 
 I have 
 
 ever heard. 
 
 your 
 excellent 
 
 papa has 
 pledged 
 your hand 
 To a promising young 
 
 robber, the lieutenant of his band ! 
 
 " This dreadful piece of news will pain your 
 
 worthy parents so ! 
 They are the most remunerative customers I 
 
 know ; 
 For many, many years they've kept starvation 
 
 from my doors ; 
 I never knew so criminal a family as yours ! 
 
 " The common country folk in this insipid 
 neighborhood 
 
 Have nothing to confess, they 're so ridiculously 
 good ; 
 
 And if you marry any one respectable at all, 
 
 Why, you '11 reform, and what will then be- 
 come of FATHER PAUL ? " 
 
 The worthy priest, he up and drew his cowl 
 
 upon his crown, 
 And started off in haste to tell the news to 
 
 ROBBER BROWN ;
 
 176 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 To tell him how his daughter, who now was 
 
 for marriage fit, 
 Had winked upon a sorter, who reciprocated 
 
 it. 
 
 Good ROBBER BROWN he muffled up his anger 
 
 pretty well. 
 He said, "I have a notion, and that notion I 
 
 will tell ; 
 I will nab this gay young sorter, terrify him into 
 
 fits, 
 And get my gentle wife to chop him into little 
 
 bits. 
 
 " I 've studied human nature, and I know a 
 thing or two ; 
 
 Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as 
 many do 
 
 A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will 
 fall 
 
 When she looks upon his body chopped particu- 
 larly small." 
 
 He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban 
 
 square ; 
 He watched his opportunity and seized him 
 
 unaware ; 
 He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the 
 
 head, 
 And MRS. BROWN dissected him before she 
 
 went to bed.
 
 GENTLE ALICE BROWN 
 
 177 
 
 And pretty little ALICE grew more settled in her 
 
 mind ; 
 She never more was guilty of a weakness of the 
 
 kind, 
 Until at length good ROBBER BROWN bestowed 
 
 her pretty hand 
 On the promising young robber, the lieutenant 
 
 of his band.
 
 I 7 8 
 
 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 The BUMBOAT WOMAN'S 
 STORY 
 
 I'M old, my dears, and shrivell'd, with age, 
 and work, and grief, 
 My eyes are gone, and my teeth have been 
 
 drawn by Time, the thief! 
 For terrible sights I 've seen, and dangers great 
 
 I 've run 
 
 I 'm nearly seventy now, and my work is al- 
 most done ! 
 
 Ah! I've been young in my time, and I've 
 
 play'd the deuce with men 
 I 'm speaking of ten years past I was barely 
 
 sixty then : 
 My cheeks were mellow and soft, and my eyes 
 
 were large and sweet, 
 
 POLL PINEAPPLE'S eyes were the standing toast 
 of the Royal Fleet. 
 
 A bumboat woman 
 was I, and I 
 faithfully served 
 the ships 
 
 With apples and 
 cakes, and fowls 
 and beer, and 
 halfpenny dips,
 
 BUMBOAT WOMAN'S STORY 179 
 
 And beef for the generous mess, where the officers 
 dine at nights, 
 
 And fine fresh peppermint drops for the rollick- 
 ing midshipmites. 
 
 Of all the kind commanders who anchor'd in 
 
 Portsmouth Bay, 
 By far the sweetest of all was kind LIEUTENANT 
 
 BELAYE. 
 LIEUTENANT BELAYE commanded the gunboat 
 
 Hot Cross Bun, 
 She was seven-and-thirty feet in length, and she 
 
 carried a gun. 
 
 With the laudable view of enhancing his coun- 
 try's naval pride, 
 
 When people inquired her size, LIEUTENANT 
 BELAYE replied, 
 
 '' Oh, my ship ? my ship is the first of the 
 Hundred and seventy-ones ! " 
 
 Which meant her tonnage, but people imagined 
 it meant her guns. 
 
 Whenever I went on board he would beckon 
 
 me down below : 
 "Come down, LITTLE BUTTERCUP, come!" 
 
 (for he loved to call me so). 
 And he 'd tell of the fights at sea in which he 'd 
 
 taken a part, 
 And so LIEUTENANT BELAYE won poor POLL 
 
 PINEAPPLE'S heart !
 
 180 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 But at length his orders came, and he said one 
 day, said he, 
 
 " I 'm ordered to sail with the Hot Cross Bun 
 to the German Sea." 
 
 And the Portsmouth maidens wept when they 
 learnt the evil day, 
 
 For every Portsmouth maid loved good LIEU- 
 TENANT BELAYE. 
 
 And I went to a back, back street, with plenty 
 
 of cheap, cheap shops, 
 And I bought an oilskin hat and a second-hand 
 
 suit of slops, 
 And I went to LIEUTENANT BELAYE (and he 
 
 never suspected me'), 
 And I entered myself as a chap as wanted to go 
 
 to sea. 
 
 We sail'd that afternoon at the mystic hour of" 
 
 one, 
 Remarkably nice young men were the crew of 
 
 the Hot Cross Bun. 
 I 'm sorry to say that I 've heard that sailors 
 
 sometimes swear, 
 But I never yet heard a Bun say anything wrong, 
 
 I declare. 
 
 When Jack Tars meet, they meet with a " Mess- 
 mate, ho ! what cheer ? " 
 
 But here on the Hot Cross Bun, it was " How 
 do you do, my dear ? "
 
 BUMBOAT WOMAN'S STORY 181 
 
 When Jack Tars growl, I believe they growl 
 
 with a big, big D , 
 
 But the strongest oath of the Hot Cross Buns 
 
 was a mild " Dear me ! " 
 
 Yet, though they were all well-bred, you could 
 
 hardly call them slick: 
 Whenever a sea was on, they were all extremely 
 
 sick ; 
 And whenever the weather was calm, and the 
 
 wind was light and fair, 
 They spent more time than a sailor should on 
 
 his back, back hair. 
 
 They certainly shiver'd and shook when order' d 
 
 aloft to run, 
 And they scream' d when LIEUTENANT BELAYE 
 
 discharged his only gun. 
 And as he was proud of his gun such pride is 
 
 hardly wrong 
 The lieutenant was blazing away at intervals all 
 
 day long.
 
 1 82 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 They all agreed very well, though at times you 
 
 heard it said 
 That BILL had a way of his own of making his 
 
 lips look red 
 That JOE look'd quite his age or somebody 
 
 might declare 
 That BARNACLE'S long pig-tail was never his 
 
 own, own hair. 
 
 BELAYE would admit that his men were of no 
 great use to him, 
 
 "But then," he would say, "there is little to 
 do on a gunboat trim. 
 
 I can hand, and reef, and steer, and fire my big 
 gun too 
 
 And it is such a treat to sail with a gentle, well- 
 bred crew." 
 
 I saw him every day ! How happy the mo- 
 ments sped ! 
 
 Reef topsails ! Make all taut! There's dirty 
 weather ahead ! 
 
 (I do not mean that tempests threaten' d the 
 Hot Cross Bun : 
 
 In that case I don't know whatever we should 
 have done !) 
 
 After a fortnight's cruise, we put into port one 
 day, 
 
 And off on leave for a week went kind LIEU- 
 TENANT BELAYE,
 
 BUMBOAT WOMAN'S STORY 183 
 
 And after a long, long week had pass'd (and it 
 
 seem'd like a life) 
 LIEUTENANT BELAYE return'd to his ship with 
 
 a fair young wife ! 
 
 He up and he says, says he, " O crew of the 
 
 Hot Cross Bun, 
 Here is the wife of my heart, for the church 
 
 has made us one." 
 And as he utter'd the word, the crew went out 
 
 of their wits, 
 And all fell down in so many separate fainting 
 
 fits. 
 
 And then their hair came down, or off, as the 
 
 case might be, 
 And lo ! the rest of the crew were simple girls, 
 
 like me, 
 Who all had fled from their homes in a sailor's 
 
 blue array, 
 To follow the shifting fate of kind LIEUTENANT 
 
 BELAYE.
 
 184 THE "BAB" BALLADS 
 
 It 's strange to think / should ever have loved 
 
 young men, 
 But I'm speaking of ten years past I was 
 
 barely sixty then, 
 And now my cheeks are furrow' d with grief and 
 
 age, I trow ! 
 And poor POLL PINEAPPLE'S eyes have lost their 
 
 lustre now !
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY, LOS ANGELES 
 
 COLLEGE LIBRARY 
 
 This book is due on the last date stamped below. 
 
 jan 466 
 
 2-3 
 
 NOV 1 6 1967 
 
 'tjbraty 
 
 ,31973 
 
 14 DAY 
 
 j/2i83 14 DAY 
 
 1973 
 
 fc>lip-lUm-5,'56(.372'7b4)4260
 
 UCLA-College Library 
 
 PR 4713 B1 1906 
 
 College 
 Library 
 
 001 29947;