THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES 
 
 GIFT OF 
 
 FREDERIC THOMAS BLANCHARD 
 
 FOR THE 
 ENGLISH READING ROOM
 
 'THE STRANGER DREW FORTH A BUNDLE OF BUSINESS CARDS
 
 The Pursuit of 
 
 The House-Boat 
 
 Being Some Further Account of the Divers 
 
 Doings of the Associated Shades, under the 
 
 Leadership of Sherlock Holmes, Esq. 
 
 By 
 
 John Kendrick .Bangs 
 
 Illustrated 
 
 By Peter Newell 
 
 New York and London 
 
 Harper & Brothers 
 
 Publishers 1902
 
 
 Copyright, 1897, by HARPER & BROTHERS. 
 
 All rights reserved.
 
 ocA- 
 
 TO 
 
 A. CONAN DOYLE, ESQ. 
 
 WITH THE AUTHOR'S SINCEREST REGARDS AND THANKS 
 
 FOR THE UNTIMELY DEMISE OF HIS GREAT DETECTIVE 
 
 WHICH MADE THESE THINGS POSSIBLE
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 CHAP. PAGE 
 
 I. THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 1 
 II. THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY 
 
 AND REVEALS HIMSELF . . . . 18 
 
 III. THE SEARCH-PARTY is ORGANIZED . 43 
 
 IV. ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT ... 58 
 V. A CONFERENCE ON DECK .... 73 
 
 VI. A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIHS . . 89 
 VII. THE "GEHENNA is CHARTERED. . 105 
 VIII. ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA." . . . 121 
 IX. CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OB 
 STACLE 139 
 
 X. A WARNING ACCEPTED 157 
 
 XI. MAROONED 172 
 
 XII. THE ESCAPE AND THE END . . 189
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 "THE STRANGER DREW FORTH A BUNDLE OF 
 
 BUSINESS CARDS" Frontispiece 
 
 "'DR. JOHNSON'S POINT is WELL TAKEN'" . Facing p. 8 
 
 " ' WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH 
 
 THE QUESTION ?'" " 10 
 
 "POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED OVER 
 BOARD" " 22 
 
 "THRKE ROUSING CHEERS, LED BY HAMLET, 
 
 WERE GIVEN " " 42 
 
 A BLACK PERSON BY THE NAME OF FRIDAY 
 
 FINDS A BOTTLE " 54 
 
 MADAME RECAMIER HAS A PLAN . . . . " 66 
 
 " THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST 
 
 THROUGH" " 70 
 
 '" HERE'S A KETTLE OF FISH,' SAID KIDD " . " 74 
 
 " ' EVERY BLOOMIN' MILLION WAS REPRESENT 
 ED BY A CERTIFIED CHECK, AN* PAYA 
 BLE IN LONDON '" " 84 
 
 QUEEN ELIZABETH DESIRES AN AXE AND ONE 
 
 HOUR OF HER OLDEN POWER . " 90
 
 Viii ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 "'THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY is READY 
 
 TO REPORT '" Facing p. 102 
 
 " ' YOU ARE VERY MUCH MISTAKEN, SIR 
 
 WALTER'" " 108 
 
 " IN THE DEAD OP NIGHT SHYLOCK HAD 
 
 STOLEN UP THE GANG-PLANK 1 ' ... " 118 
 
 JUDGE BLACKSTONE REFUSES TO CLIMB TO 
 
 THE MIZZENTOP " 126 
 
 SHEM IN THE LOOKOUT " 128 
 
 CAPTAIN KIDD CONSENTS TO BE CROSS - EX 
 AMINED BY PORTIA " 148 
 
 KIDD'S COMPANIONS ENDEAVORING TO RE 
 STORE EVAPORATED PORTIONS OF HIS 
 ANATOMY WITH A STEAM-ATOMIZER . " 154 
 
 "*HE TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO PARIS'" " 160 
 
 "'YOU ARE A VERY CLEAR-HEADED YOUNG 
 
 WOMAN, LIZZIE,' SAID MRS. NOAH" ' " 170 
 
 "'THAT OUGHT TO BE A LESSON TO YOU'" " 178 
 
 "THE PIRATES MADE A MAD DASH DOWN THE 
 
 ROUGH, ROCKY HILL-SIDE" .... " 180 
 
 " ' NOW, MY CHILD,' SAID MRS. NOAH, FIRMLY, 
 
 'l DO NOT WISH ANY WORDS'" . . " 192 
 
 "A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO 
 
 THE REAR" . " 200
 
 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT
 
 THE PURSUIT 
 
 or 
 
 THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTI01T 
 
 THE House -boat of the Associated 
 Shades, formerly located upon the River 
 Styx, as the reader may possibly remem 
 ber, had been torn from its moorings and 
 navigated out into unknown seas by that 
 vengeful pirate Captain Kidd, aided and 
 abetted by some of the most ruffianly in 
 habitants of Hades. Like a thief in the 
 night had they come, and for no better 
 reason than that the Captain had been 
 unanimously voted a shade too shady to
 
 2 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 associate with self-respecting spirits had 
 they made off with the happy floating 
 club-house of their betters ; and worst of 
 all, with them, by force of circumstances 
 over which they had no control, had sailed 
 also the fair Queen Elizabeth, the spirited 
 Xanthippe, and every other strong-minded 
 and beautiful woman of Erebean society, 
 whereby the men thereof were rendered 
 desolate. 
 
 " I can't stand it I" cried Raleigh, des 
 perately, as with his accustomed grace he 
 presided over a special meeting of the 
 club, called on the bank of the inky Styg 
 ian stream, at the point where the miss 
 ing boat had been moored. " Think of it, 
 gentlemen, Elizabeth of England, Calpur- 
 nia of Rome, Ophelia of Denmark, and 
 every precious jewel in our social dia 
 dem gone, vanished completely; and with 
 whom ? Kidd, of all men in the universe! 
 Kidd, the pirate, the ruffian " 
 
 " Don't take on so, my dear Sir Walter," 
 said Socrates, cheerfully. "What's the 
 use of going into hysterics ? You are not
 
 THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 3 
 
 a woman, and should eschew that luxury. 
 Xanthippe is with them, and I'll warrant 
 you that when that cherished spouse of 
 mine has recovered from the effects of the 
 sea, say the third day out, Kidd and his 
 crew will be walking the plank, and vol 
 untarily at that." 
 
 " But the House-boat itself," murmured 
 Noah, sadly. " That was my delight. It 
 reminded me in some respects of the 
 Ark." 
 
 "The law of compensation enters in 
 there, my dear Commodore," retorted Soc 
 rates. " For me, with Xanthippe abroad 
 I do not need a club to go to ; I can 
 stay at home and take my hemlock in 
 peace and straight. Xanthippe always 
 compelled me to dilute it at the rate of 
 one quart of water to the finger." 
 
 " Well, we didn't all marry Xanthippe," 
 put in Caesar, firmly, "therefore we are 
 not all satisfied with the situation. I, for 
 one, quite agree with Sir "Walter that 
 something must be done, and quickly. 
 Are we to sit here and do nothing, allow-
 
 4 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 ing that fiend to kidnap onr wives with 
 impunity?" 
 
 "Not at all," interposed Bonaparte. 
 "The time for action has arrived. All 
 things considered he is welcome to Marie 
 Louise, but the idea of Josephine going 
 off on a cruise of that kind breaks my 
 heart." 
 
 " No question about it," observed Dr. 
 Johnson. "We've got to do something 
 if it is only for the sake of appearances. 
 The question really is, what shall be done 
 first ?" 
 
 "I am in favor of taking a drink as 
 the first step, and considering the matter 
 of further action afterwards," suggested 
 Shakespeare, and it was this suggestion 
 that made the members unanimous upon 
 the necessity for immediate action, for 
 when the assembled spirits called for their 
 various favorite beverages it was found 
 that there were none to be had, it being 
 Sunday, and all the establishments where 
 in liquid refreshments were licensed to be 
 sold being closed for at the time of writ-
 
 THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 5 
 
 ing the local government of Hades was in 
 the hands of the reform party. 
 
 "What!" cried Socrates. "Nothing 
 but Styx water and vitriol, Sundays ? 
 Then the House-boat must be recovered 
 whether Xanthippe comes with it or not. 
 Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, 
 after all. This ruffian should be capt 
 ured at once and made an example of." 
 
 " Excuse me, Socrates," put in Lindley 
 Murray, "but, ah pray speak in Greek 
 hereafter, will you, please ? When you 
 attempt English you have a beastly way 
 of working up to climatic prepositions 
 which are offensive to the ear of a purist." 
 
 " This is no time to discuss style, Mur 
 ray," interposed Sir Walter. " Socrates 
 may speak and spell like Chaucer if he 
 pleases ; he may even part his infinitives 
 in the middle, for all I care. We have 
 affairs of greater moment in hand." 
 
 "We must ransack the earth," cried 
 Socrates, "until we find that boat. Fm 
 dry as a fish." 
 
 "There he goes again!" growled Mur-
 
 6 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 ray. " Dry as a fish! What fish I'd like 
 to know is dry?" 
 
 " Bed herrings," retorted Socrates; and 
 there was a great laugh at the expense of 
 the purist, in which even Hamlet, who 
 had grown more and more melancholy and 
 morbid since the abduction of Ophelia, 
 joined. 
 
 " Then it is settled," said Ealeigh ; 
 " something must be done. And now the 
 point is, what?" 
 
 ' ' Relief expeditions have a way of find 
 ing things," suggested Dr. Livingstone. 
 " Or rather of being found by the things 
 they go out to relieve. I propose that we 
 send out a number of them. I will take 
 Africa; Bonaparte can lead an expedition 
 into Europe; General Washington may 
 have North America ; and " 
 
 " I beg pardon," put in Dr. Johnson, 
 "but have you any idea, Dr. Livingstone, 
 that Captain Kidd has put wheels on this 
 House -boat of ours and is having it 
 dragged across the Sahara by mules or 
 camels ?"
 
 THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 7 
 
 " No such absurd idea ever entered my 
 head," retorted the Doctor. 
 
 "Do you then believe that he has put 
 runners on it, and is engaged in the 
 pleasurable pastime of taking the ladies 
 tobogganing down the Alps?" persisted 
 the philosopher. 
 
 " Not at all. Why do you ask ?" que 
 ried the African explorer, irritably. 
 
 " Because I wish to know," said John 
 son. " That is always my motive in ask 
 ing questions. You propose to go look 
 ing for a house -boat in Central Africa; 
 you suggest that Bonaparte lead an ex 
 pedition in search of it through Europe 
 all of which strikes me as nonsense. 
 This search is the work of sea-dogs, not 
 of landlubbers. You might as well ask 
 Confucius to look for it in the heart of 
 China. What earthly use there is in ran 
 sacking the earth I fail to see. What we 
 need is a naval expedition to scour the 
 sea, unless it is pretty well understood iu 
 advance that we believe Kidd has hauled 
 the boat out of the water, and is now
 
 8 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 using it for a roller-skating rink or a bi 
 cycle academy in Ohio, or for some other 
 purpose for which neither he nor it was 
 designed. " 
 
 " k Dr. Johnson's point is well taken," 
 said a stranger who had been sitting upon 
 the string-piece of the pier, quietly, but 
 with very evident interest, listening to 
 the discussion. He was a tall and exces 
 sively slender shade, " like a spirt of steam 
 out of a teapot," as Johnson put it after 
 wards, so slight he seemed. " I have not 
 the honor of being a member of this as 
 sociation," the stranger continued, "but, 
 like all well - ordered shades, I aspire to 
 the distinction, and I hold myself and my 
 talents at the disposal of this club. I 
 fancy it will not take us long to establish 
 our initial point, which is that the gross 
 person who has so foully appropriated 
 your property to his own base uses does 
 not contemplate removing it from its keel 
 and placing it somewhere inland. All 
 the evidence in hand points to a radically 
 different conclusion, which is my sole rea-
 
 THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 9 
 
 son for doubting the value of that con 
 clusion. Captain Kidd is a seafarer by 
 instinct, not a landsman. The House 
 boat is not a house, but a boat; therefore 
 the place to look for it is not, as Dr. John 
 son so well says, in the Sahara Desert, or 
 on the Alps, or in the State of Ohio, but 
 upon the high sea, or upon the water 
 front of some one of the world's great 
 cities." 
 
 f{ And what, then, would be your plan?" 
 asked Sir Walter, impressed by the stran 
 ger's manner as well as by the very mani 
 fest reason in all that he had said. 
 
 "The chartering of a suitable vessel, 
 fully armed and equipped for the purpose 
 of pursuit. Ascertain whither the House 
 boat has sailed, for what port, and start 
 at once. Have you a model of the House 
 boat within reach?" returned the stran 
 ger. 
 
 " I think not ; we have the architect's 
 plans, however," said the chairman. 
 
 " We had, Mr. Chairman," said Demos 
 thenes, who was secretary of the House
 
 10 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 Committee, rising, "but they are gone 
 with the House -boat itself. They were 
 kept in the safe in the hold." 
 
 A look of annoyance came into the face 
 of the stranger. 
 
 " That's too bad," he said. " It was a 
 most important part of my plan that we 
 should know about how fast the House 
 boat was." 
 
 "Humph!" ejaculated Socrates, with 
 ill - concealed sarcasm. "If you'll take 
 Xanthippe's word for it, the House-boat 
 was the fastest yacht afloat." 
 
 "I refer to the matter of speed in 
 sailing," returned the stranger, quietly. 
 "The question of its ethical speed has 
 nothing to do with it." 
 
 "The designer of the craft is here," 
 said Sir Walter, fixing his eyes upon Sir 
 Christopher Wren. "It is possible that 
 he may be of assistance in settling that 
 point." 
 
 " What has all this got to do with the 
 question, anyhow, Mr. Chairman?" asked 
 Solomon, rising impatiently and address-
 
 " ' WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE QUESTION ?' "
 
 THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 11 
 
 ing Sir Walter. "We aren't preparing 
 for a yacht -race that I know of. No 
 body's after a cnp, or a championship of 
 any kind. What we do want is to get our 
 wives back. The Captain hasn't taken 
 more than half of mine along with him, 
 but I am interested none the less. The 
 Queen of Sheba is on board, and I am 
 somewhat interested in her fate. So I 
 ask you what earthly or unearthly use 
 there is in discussing this question of 
 speed in the House-boat. It strikes me 
 as a woful waste of time, and rather un 
 precedented too, that we should suspend 
 all rules and listen to the talk of an entire 
 stranger." 
 
 " I do not venture to doubt the wisdom 
 of Solomon," said Johnson, dryly, "but 
 I must say that the gentleman's remarks 
 rather interest me." 
 
 " Of course they do," ejaculated Solo 
 mon. "He agreed with you. That 
 ought to make him interesting to every 
 body. Freaks usually are." 
 
 " That is not the reason at all," retort-
 
 12 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 ed Dr. Johnson. " Cold water agrees 
 with me, but it doesn't interest me. 
 What I do think, however, is that our un 
 known friend seems to have a grasp on the 
 situation by which we are confronted, and 
 he's going at the matter in hand in a very 
 comprehensive fashion. I move, there 
 fore, that Solomon be laid on the table, 
 and that the privileges of the ah of 
 the wharf be extended indefinitely to our 
 friend on the string-piece." 
 
 The motion, having been seconded, was 
 duly carried, and the stranger resumed. 
 
 "I will explain for the benefit of his 
 Majesty King Solomon, whose wisdom I 
 have always admired, and whose endur 
 ance as the husband of three hundred 
 wives has filled me with wonder," he said, 
 "that before starting in pursuit of the 
 stolen vessel we must select a craft of 
 some sort for the purpose, and that in 
 selecting the pursuer it is quite essential 
 that we should choose a vessel of greater 
 speed than the one we desire to overtake. 
 It would hardly be proper, I think, if the
 
 THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 13 
 
 House-boat can sail four knots an hour, 
 to attempt to overhaul her with a launch, 
 or other nautical craft, with a maximum 
 speed of two knots an hour." 
 
 " Hear ! hear !" ejaculated Cassar. 
 
 "That is my reason, your Majesty, for 
 inquiring as to the speed of your late 
 club - house," said the stranger, bowing 
 courteously to Solomon. "Now if Sir 
 Christopher Wren can give me her meas 
 urements, we can very soon determine at 
 about what rate she is leaving us behind 
 under favorable circumstances." 
 
 " "Tisn't necessary for Sir Christopher 
 to do anything of the sort," said Noah, 
 rising and manifesting somewhat more 
 heat than the occasion seemed to re 
 quire. "As long as we are discussing 
 the question I will take the liberty of stat 
 ing what I have never mentioned before, 
 that the designer of the House -boat 
 merely appropriated the lines of the Ark. 
 Shem, Ham, and Japhet will bear testi 
 mony to the truth of that statement." 
 
 " There can be no quarrel on that score,
 
 14 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 Mr. Chairman," assented Sir Christopher, 
 with cutting frigidity. "I am perfectly 
 willing to admit that practically the two 
 vessels were built on the same lines, but 
 with modifications which would enable my 
 boat to sail twenty miles to windward and 
 back in six days less time than it would 
 have taken the Ark to cover the same dis 
 tance, and it could have taken all the 
 wash of the excursion steamers into the 
 bargain." 
 
 "Bosh!" ejaculated Noah, angrily. 
 " Strip your old tub down to a flying bal 
 loon-jib and a marline-spike, and ballast 
 the Ark with elephants until every inch 
 of her reeked with ivory and peanuts, and 
 she'd outfoot you on every leg, in a cy 
 clone or a zephyr. Give me the Ark and 
 a breeze, and your House-boat wouldn't 
 be within hailing distance of her five min 
 utes after the start if she had 40,000 
 square yards of canvas spread before a 
 gale." 
 
 "This discussion is waxing very un 
 profitable," observed Confucius. "If
 
 THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 15 
 
 these gentlemen cannot be made to con 
 fine themselves to the subject that is agi 
 tating this body, I move we call in the 
 authorities and have them confined in the 
 bottomless pit." 
 
 "I did not precipitate the quarrel," 
 said Noah. "I was merely trying to as 
 sist our friend on the string-piece. I was 
 going to say that as the Ark was probably 
 a hundred times faster than Sir Christo 
 pher Wren's tub, which he himself says 
 can take care of all the wash of the excur 
 sion boats, thereby becoming on his own 
 admission a wash-tub " 
 
 " Order ! order !" cried Sir Christo 
 pher. 
 
 " I was going to say that this wash-tub 
 could be overhauled by a launch or any 
 other craft with a speed of thirty knots 
 a month," continued Noah, ignoring the 
 interruption. 
 
 " Took him forty days to get to Mount 
 Ararat!" sneered Sir Christopher. 
 
 " Well, your boat would have got there 
 two weeks sooner, I'll admit/' retorted
 
 16 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 Noah, " if she'd sprung a leak at the right 
 time." 
 
 "Granting the truth of Noah's state 
 ment," said Sir Walter, motioning to the 
 angry architect to be quiet "not that 
 we take any side in the issue between the 
 two gentlemen, but merely for the sake of 
 argument I wish to ask the stranger who 
 has been good enough to interest himself 
 in our trouble what he proposes to do 
 how can you establish your course in case 
 a boat were provided?" 
 
 "Also vot vill be dher gost, if any?" 
 put in Shylock. 
 
 A murmur of disapprobation greeted 
 this remark. 
 
 "The cost need not trouble you, sir," 
 said Sir Walter, indignantly, addressing 
 the stranger; "you will have carte 
 blanche." 
 
 " Den ve are ruint !" cried Shylock, 
 displaying his palms, and showing by 
 that act a select assortment of diamond 
 rings. 
 
 " Oh," laughed the stranger, "that is a
 
 THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 17 
 
 simple matter. Captain Kidd has gone to 
 London." 
 
 " To London I" cried several members 
 at once. " How do yon know that ?" 
 
 " By this/' said the stranger, holding 
 up the tiny stub end of a cigar. 
 
 " Tut-tut!" ejaculated Solomon. "What 
 child's play this is !" 
 
 "No, your Majesty," observed the 
 stranger, " it is not child's play; it is fact. 
 That cigar end was thrown aside here on 
 the wharf by Captain Kidd just before he 
 stepped on board the House-boat." 
 
 "How do you know that?" demanded 
 Ealeigh. " And granting the truth of the 
 assertion, what does it prove?" 
 
 "I will tell yon," said the stranger. 
 And he at once proceeded as follows.
 
 II 
 
 " I HAVE made a hobby of the study of 
 cigar ends/' said the stranger, as the As 
 sociated Shades settled back to hear his 
 account of himself. "From my earliest 
 youth, when I used surreptitiously to re 
 move the unsmoked ends of my father's 
 cigars and break them up, and, in hiding, 
 smoke them in an old clay pipe which I 
 had presented to me by an ancient sea-cap 
 tain of my acquaintance, I have been in 
 terested in tobacco in all forms, even in 
 cluding these self -same despised unsmoked 
 ends; for they convey to my mind mes 
 sages, sentiments, farces, comedies, and 
 tragedies which to your minds would never 
 become manifest through their agency."
 
 THE STRANGER REVEALS HIMSELF 19 
 
 The company drew closer together and 
 formed themselves in a more compact 
 mass about the speaker. It was evident 
 that they were beginning to feel an unu* 
 sual interest in this extraordinary person, 
 who had come among them unheralded and 
 unknown. Even Shylock stopped calcu 
 lating percentages for an instant to listen. 
 
 "Do you mean to tell us," demanded 
 Shakespeare, "that the unsmoked stub 
 of a cigar will suggest the story of him 
 who smoked it to your mind?" 
 
 " I do," replied the stranger, with a con 
 fident smile. " Take this one, for in 
 stance, that I have picked up here upon 
 the wharf ; it tells me the whole story of 
 the intentions of Captain Kidd at the mo 
 ment when, in utter disregard of your 
 rights, he stepped aboard your House 
 boat, and, in his usual piratical fashion, 
 made off with it into unknown seas." 
 
 " But how do you know he smoked it?" 
 asked Solomon, who deemed it the part 
 of wisdom to be suspicious of the stranger. 
 
 "There are two curious indentations in
 
 20 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 it which prove that. The marks of two 
 teeth, with a hiatus between, which you 
 will see if you look closely," said the 
 stranger, handing the small bit of tobacco 
 to Sir Walter, "make that point evident 
 beyond peradventure. The Captain lost 
 an eye-tooth in one of his later raids ; it 
 was knocked out by a marline-spike which 
 had been hurled at him by one of the 
 crew of the treasure-ship he and his fol 
 lowers had attacked. The adjacent teeth 
 were broken, but not removed. The ci 
 gar end bears the marks of those two jag 
 ged molars, with the hiatus, which, as I 
 have indicated, is due to the destruction 
 of the eye-tooth between them. It is not 
 likely that there was another man in the 
 pirate's crew with teeth exactly like the 
 commander's, therefore I say there can be 
 no doubt that the cigar end was that of 
 the Captain himself." 
 
 "Very interesting indeed," observed 
 Blackstone, removing his wig and fanning 
 himself with it ; " but I must confess, Mr. 
 Chairman, that in any properly consti-
 
 THE STRANGER REVEALS HIMSELF 21 
 
 tuted law court this evidence would long 
 since have been ruled out as irrelevant 
 and absurd. The idea of two or three 
 hundred dignified spirits like ourselves, 
 gathered together to devise a means for 
 the recovery of our property and the res 
 cue of our wives, yielding the floor to the 
 delivering of a lecture by an entire stran 
 ger on * Cigar Ends He Has Met/ strikes 
 me as ridiculous in the extreme. Of what 
 earthly interest is it to us to know that 
 this or that cigar was smoked by Captain 
 Kidd?" 
 
 " Merely that it will help us on, your 
 honor, to discover the whereabouts of 
 the said Kidd," interposed the stranger. 
 " It is by trifles, seeming trifles, that the 
 greatest detective work is done. My 
 friends Le Coq, Hawkshaw, and Old 
 Sleuth will bear me out in this, I think, 
 however much in other respects our meth 
 ods may have differed. They left no 
 stone unturned in the pursuit of a crim 
 inal ; no detail, however trifling, uncared 
 for. No more should we in the present
 
 22 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 instance overlook the minutest bit of evi 
 dence, however irrelevant and absurd at 
 first blush it may appear to be. The 
 truth of what I say was very effectually 
 proven in the strange case of the Broke- 
 dale tiara, in which I figured somewhat 
 conspicuously, but which I have never 
 made public, because it involves a secret 
 affecting the integrity of one of the no 
 blest families in the British Empire. 1 
 really believe that mystery was solved 
 easily and at once because I happened to 
 remember that the number of my watch 
 was 86507B. How trivial a thing, and 
 yet how important it was, as the event 
 transpired, you will realize when I tell you 
 the incident." 
 
 The stranger's manner was so impres 
 sive that there was a unanimous and sim 
 ultaneous movement upon the part of all 
 present to get up closer, so as the more 
 readily to hear what he said, as a result of 
 which poor old Boswell was pushed over 
 board, and fell with a loud splash into the 
 Styx. Fortunately, however, one of Cha-
 
 'POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED OVERBOARD"
 
 THE STRANGER REVEALS HIMSELF 28 
 
 ron ? s pleasure-boats was close at hand, 
 and in a short while the dripping, sputter 
 ing spirit was drawn into it, wrung out, 
 and sent home to dry. The excitement 
 attending this diversion having subsided, 
 Solomon asked : 
 
 "What was the incident of the lost 
 tiara ?" 
 
 " I am about to tell you/' returned the 
 stranger; "and it must be understood 
 that you are told in the strictest confi 
 dence, for, as I say, the incident involves 
 a state secret of great magnitude. In 
 life in the mortal life gentlemen, I was 
 a detective by profession, and, if I do say 
 it, who perhaps should not, I was one of 
 the most interesting for purely literary 
 purposes that has ever been known. I did 
 not find it necessary to go about saying 
 ( Ha ! ha !' as M. Le Coq was accustomed 
 to do to advertise his cleverness ; neither 
 did I disguise myself as a drum-major and 
 hide under a kitchen-table for the pur 
 pose of solving a mystery involving the 
 abduction of a parlor stove, after the man-
 
 24 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAt 
 
 ner of the talented Hawkshaw. By men 
 tal concentration alone, without fireworks 
 or orchestral accompaniment of any sort 
 whatsoever, did I go about my business, 
 and for that very reason many of my 
 fellow -sleuths were forced to go out of 
 real detective work into that line of the 
 business with which the stage has famil 
 iarized the most of us a line in which 
 nothing but stupidity, luck, and a yellow 
 wig is required of him who pursues it." 
 
 " This man is an impostor," whispered 
 Le Coq to Hawkshaw. 
 
 " I've known that all along by the mole 
 on his left wrist," returned Hawkshaw, 
 contemptuously. 
 
 " I suspected it the minute I saw he was 
 not disguised," returned Le Coq, know 
 ingly. "I have observed that the great 
 est villains latterly have discarded dis 
 guises, as being too easily penetrated, and 
 therefore of no avail, and merely a useless 
 expense." 
 
 "Silence !" cried Confucius, impatient 
 ly. "How can the gentleman proceed,
 
 THE STRANGER REVEALS HIMSELF 25 
 
 with all this conversation going on in the 
 rear ?" 
 
 Hawkshaw and Le Coq immediately 
 subsided, and the stranger went on. 
 
 "It was in this way that I treated the 
 strange case of the lost tiara/' resumed the 
 stranger. " Mental concentration upon 
 seemingly insignificant details alone en 
 abled me to bring about the desired re 
 sults in that instance. A brief outline of 
 the case is as follows : It was late one 
 evening in the early spring of 1894. The 
 London season was at its height. Dances, 
 fetes of all kinds, opera, and the theatres 
 were in full blast, when all of a sudden 
 society was paralyzed by a most audacious 
 robbery. A diamond tiara valued at 50,- 
 000 sterling had been stolen from the Duch 
 ess of Brokedale, and under circumstances 
 which threw society itself and every indi 
 vidual in it under suspicion even his 
 Royal Highness the Prince himself, for he 
 had danced frequently with the Duchess, 
 and was known to be a great admirer of 
 her tiara. It was at half -past eleven
 
 26 THE PDRSCJIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 o'clock at night that the news of the rob 
 bery first came to my ears. I had been 
 spending the evening alone in my library 
 making notes for a second volume of my 
 memoirs, and, feeling somewhat depressed, 
 I was on the point of going out for my 
 usual midnight walk on Hampstead Heath, 
 when one of my servants, hastily enter 
 ing, informed me of the robbery. I 
 changed my mind in respect to my mid 
 night walk immediately upon receipt of 
 the news, for I knew that before one 
 o'clock some one would call upon me at 
 my lodgings with reference to this rob 
 bery. It could not be otherwise. Any 
 mystery of such magnitude could no more 
 be taken to another bureau than elephants 
 could fly" 
 
 " They used to," said Adam. " I once 
 had a whole aviary full of winged ele 
 phants. They flew from flower to flow 
 er, and thrusting their probabilities deep 
 into" 
 
 " Their what?" queried Johnson, with a 
 frown.
 
 THE STRANGER REVEALS HIMSELF 27 
 
 "Probabilities isn't that the word? 
 Their trunks,'" said Adam. 
 
 ' ( Probosces, I imagine you mean/' sug 
 gested Johnson. 
 
 Yes that was it. Their probosces," 
 said Adam. " They were great honey- 
 gatherers, those elephants far better than 
 the bees, because they could make so much 
 more of it in a given time." 
 
 Muncbausen shook his head sadly. 
 " I'm afraid I'm outclassed by these ante 
 diluvians," he said. 
 
 " Gentlemen ! gentlemen !" cried Sir 
 Walter. "These interruptions are inex 
 cusable !" 
 
 " That's what I think," said the stran 
 ger, with some asperity. "I'm having 
 about as hard a time getting this story 
 out as I would if it were a serial. Of 
 course, if you gentlemen do not wish to 
 hear it, I can stop ; but it must be 
 understood that when I do stop I stop 
 finally, once and for all, because the 
 tale has not a sufficiency of dramatic 
 climaxes to warrant its prolongation over
 
 28 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 the usual magazine period of twelve 
 months." 
 
 ' ' Go on ! go on !" cried some. 
 
 " Shut up !" cried others addressing 
 the interrupting members, of course. 
 
 " As I was saying," resumed the stran 
 ger, ' ' I felt confident that within an hour, 
 in some way or other, that case would be 
 placed in my hands. It would be mine 
 either positively or negatively that is to 
 say, either the person robbed would em 
 ploy me to ferret out the mystery and 
 recover the diamonds, or the robber him 
 self, actuated by motives of self-preserva 
 tion, would endeavor to direct my ener 
 gies into other channels until he should 
 have the time to dispose of his ill-gotten 
 booty. A mental discussion of the proba 
 bilities inclined me to believe that the 
 latter would be the case. I reasoned in 
 this fashion : The person robbed is of ex 
 alted rank. She cannot move rapidly be 
 cause she is so. Great bodies move slow 
 ly. It is probable that it will be a week 
 before, according to the etiquette by
 
 THE STRANGER REVEALS HIMSELF 29 
 
 which she is hedged about, she can com 
 municate with me. In the first place, she 
 must inform one of her attendants that she 
 has been robbed. He must communicate 
 the news to the functionary in charge of 
 her residence, who will communicate with 
 the Home Secretary, and from him will 
 issue the orders to the police, who, baffled 
 at every step, will finally address them 
 selves to me. Til give that side two 
 weeks/ I said. On the other hand, the 
 robber : will he allow himself to be lulled 
 into a false sense of security by counting 
 on this delay, or will he not, noting my 
 habit of occasionally entering upon detec 
 tive enterprises of this nature of my own 
 volition, come to me at once and set me 
 to work ferreting out some crime that has 
 never been committed ? My feeling was 
 that this would happen, and I pulled out 
 my watch to see if it were not nearly time 
 for him to arrive. The robbery had taken 
 place at a state ball at the Buckingham 
 Palace. ( H'm !' I mused. ' He has had 
 an hour and forty minutes to get here.
 
 30 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 It is now twelve twenty. He should be 
 here by twelve forty-five. I will wait/ 
 And hastily swallowing a cocaine tablet 
 to nerve myself up for the meeting, I sat 
 down and began to read my Schopen 
 hauer. Hardly had I perused a page- 
 when there came a tap upon my door. I 
 rose with a smile, for I thought I knew 
 what was to happen, opened the door, and 
 there stood, much to my surprise, the 
 husband of the lady whose tiara was miss 
 ing. It was the Duke of Brokedale him 
 self. It is true he was disguised. His 
 beard was powdered until it looked like 
 snow, and he wore a wig and a pair of 
 green goggles ; but I recognized him at 
 once by his lack of manners, which is- 
 an unmistakable sign of nobility. As I 
 opened the door, he began : 
 
 " ' You are Mr. ' 
 
 "'I am/J replied. 'Come in. You 
 have come to see me about your stolen 
 watch. It is a gold hunting-case watch 
 with a Swiss movement ; loses five min 
 utes a day ; stem-winder ; and the back
 
 THE STRANGER REVEALS HIMSELF 31 
 
 cover, which does not bear any inscrip 
 tion, has upon it the indentations made 
 by the molars of your son Willie when that 
 interesting youth was cutting his teeth 
 upon it." 1 
 
 " Wonderful I" cried Johnson. 
 
 " May I ask how you knew all that ?" 
 asked Solomon, deeply impressed. " Such 
 penetration strikes me as marvellous." 
 
 " I didn't know it," replied the stran 
 ger, with a smile. " What I said was in 
 tended to be jocular, and to put Broke- 
 dale at his ease. The Americans present, 
 with their usual astuteness, would term it 
 bluff. It was. I merely rattled on. I 
 simply did not wish to offend the gentle 
 man by letting him know that I had pen 
 etrated his disguise. Imagine my sur 
 prise, however, when his eye brightened 
 as I spoke, and he entered my room with 
 such alacrity that half the powder which 
 he thought disguised his beard was shak 
 en off on to the floor. Sitting down 
 in the chair I had just vacated, he quietly 
 remarked :
 
 32 THK PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 " ' You are a wonderful man, sir. How 
 did you know that I had lost my watch ?* 
 
 " For a moment I was nonplussed ; 
 more than that, I was completely stag 
 gered. I had expected him to say at once 
 that he had not lost his watch, but had 
 come to see me about the tiara ; and to 
 have him take my words seriously was 
 entirely unexpected and overwhelmingly 
 surprising. However, in view of his rank, 
 I deemed it well to fall in with his humor. 
 'Oh, as for that,' I replied, 'that is a 
 part of my business. It is the detective's 
 place to know everything ; and generally, 
 if he reveals the machinery by means of 
 which he reaches his conclusions, he is a 
 fool, since his method is his secret, and 
 his secret his stock in trade. I do not 
 mind telling you, however, that I knew 
 your watch was stolen by your anxious 
 glance at my clock, which showed that 
 you wished to know the time. Now 
 most rich Americans have watches for 
 that purpose, and have no hesitation 
 about showing them. If you'd had a
 
 THE STRANGER REVEALS HIMSELF 33 
 
 watch, you'd have looked at it, not at my 
 clock.' 
 
 " My visitor laughed, and repeated what 
 he had said about my being a wonderful 
 man. 
 
 " ' And the dents which my son made 
 cutting his teeth ?' he added. 
 
 "'Invariably go with an American's 
 watch. Rubber or ivory rings aren't good 
 enough for American babies to chew on.' 
 said I. ' They must have gold watches or 
 nothing.' 
 
 " ' And finally, how did you know I was 
 a rich American ?' he asked. 
 
 " ' Because no other can afford to stop 
 at hotels like the Savoy in the height of 
 the season,' I replied, thinking that the 
 jest would end there, and that he would 
 now reveal his identity and speak of the 
 tiara. To my surprise, however, he did 
 nothing of the sort. 
 
 "'You have an almost supernatural 
 gift,' he said. ' My name is Bunker. I 
 am stopping at the Savoy. I am an 
 
 American. I was rich when I arrived 
 s
 
 34 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 here, but I'm not quite so bloated with 
 wealth as I was, now that I have paid my 
 first week's bill. I have lost my watch ; 
 such a watch, too, as you describe, even 
 to the dents. Your only mistake was that 
 the dents were made by my son John, and 
 not Willie ; but even there I cannot but 
 wonder at you, for John and Willie are 
 twins, and so much alike that it some 
 times baffles even their mother to tell 
 them apart. The watch has no very great 
 value intrinsically, but the associations 
 are such that I want it back, and I will 
 pay 200 for its recovery. I have no clew 
 as to who took it. It was numbered ' 
 
 " Here a happy thought struck me. In 
 all my description of the watch I had 
 merely described my own, a very cheap 
 affair which I had won at a raffle. My 
 visitor was deceiving me, though for what 
 purpose I did not on the instant divine. 
 No one would like to suspect him of hav 
 ing purloined his wife's tiara. Why 
 should I not deceive him, and at the same 
 time get rid of my poor chronometer for a
 
 THE STRANGER REVEALS HIMSELF 35 
 
 sum that exceeded its value a hundred 
 fold?" 
 
 " Good business !" cried Shylock. 
 
 The stranger smiled and bowed. 
 
 "Excellent," he said. "I took the 
 words right out of his mouth. 'It was 
 numbered 86507B V I cried, giving, of 
 course, the number of my own watch. 
 
 "He gazed at me narrowly for a mo 
 ment, and then he smiled. 'You grow 
 more marvellous at every step. That was 
 indeed the number. Are you a demon ?' 
 
 " 'No/ I replied. 'Only something of 
 a mind-reader/ 
 
 "Well, to be brief, the bargain was 
 struck. I was to look for a watch that I 
 knew he hadn't lost, and was to receive 
 200 if I found it. It seemed to him to 
 be a very good bargain, as, indeed, it was, 
 from his point of view, feeling, as he did, 
 that there never having been any such 
 watch, it could not be recovered, and lit 
 tle suspecting that two could play at his 
 little game of deception, and that under 
 any circumstances I could foist a ten-
 
 36 THK PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 shilling watch -upon him for two hun 
 dred pounds. This business concluded, 
 he started to go. 
 
 " ' Won't you have a little Scotch ?' I 
 asked, as he started, feeling, with all that 
 prospective profit in view, I could well 
 afford the expense. 'It is a stormy 
 night.' 
 
 "'Thanks, I will/ said he, returning 
 and seating himself by my table still, to 
 my surprise, keeping his hat on. 
 
 "Let me take your hat,' I said, little 
 thinking that my courtesy would reveal the 
 true state of affairs. The mere mention 
 of the word hat brought about a terrible 
 change in my visitor ; his knees trembled, 
 his face grew ghastly, and he clutched the 
 brim of his beaver until it cracked. He 
 then nervously removed it, and I noticed 
 & dull red mark running about his fore 
 head, just as there would be on the fore 
 head of a man whose hat fitted too tight 
 ly ; and that mark, gentlemen, had the 
 undulating outline of nothing more nor 
 less than a tiara, and on the apex of the
 
 THE STRANGER REVEALS HIMSELF 87 
 
 uppermost extremity was a deep indenta 
 tion about the size of a shilling, that could 
 have been made only by some adamantine 
 substance ! The mystery was solved I 
 The robber of the Duchess of Brokedale 
 stood before me." 
 
 A suppressed murmur of excitement 
 went through the assembled spirits, and 
 even Messrs. Hawkshaw and Le Coq were 
 silent in the presence of such genius. 
 
 "My plan of action was immediately 
 formulated. The man was completely at 
 my mercy. He had stolen the tiara, and 
 had it concealed in the lining of his hat. 
 I rose and locked the door. My visitor 
 sank with a groan into my chair. 
 
 " ' Why did you do that ?' he stam 
 mered, as I turned the key in the lock. 
 
 " ' To keep my Scotch whiskey from 
 evaporating/ I said, dryly. 'Now, my 
 lord,' I added, ' it will pay your Grace to 
 let me have your hat. I know who you 
 are. You are the Duke of Brokedale. 
 The Duchess of Brokedale has lost a val 
 uable tiara of diamonds, and you have not
 
 38 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 lost your watch. Somebody has stolen 
 the diamonds, and it may be that some 
 where there is a Bunker who has lost such 
 a watch as I have described. The queer 
 part of it all is/ I continued, handing him 
 the decanter, and taking a couple of load 
 ed six-shooters out of my escritoire 'the 
 queer part of it all is that I have the 
 watch and you have the tiara. We'll swap 
 the swag. Hand over the bauble, please.' 
 
 " ' But' he began. 
 
 " ' We won't have any butting, your 
 Grace/ said I. 'I'll give you the watch, 
 and you needn't mind the 200 ; and you 
 must give me the tiara, or I'll accompany 
 you forthwith to the police, and have a 
 search made of your hat. It won't pay 
 you to defy me. Give it up.' 
 
 " He gave up the hat at once, and, as I 
 suspected, there lay the tiara, snugly 
 stowed away behind the head-band. 
 
 " * You are a great fellow.' said I, as I 
 held the tiara up to the light and watched 
 with pleasure the flashing brilliance of its 
 gems.
 
 THE STRANGER REVEALS HIMSELF 89 
 
 "'I beg you'll not expose me/ he 
 moaned. ' I was driven to it by necessity/ 
 
 " 'Not I,' I replied. 'As long as you 
 play fair it will be all right. I'm not go 
 ing to keep this thing. I'm not married, 
 and so have no use for such a trifle ; but 
 what I do intend is simply to wait until 
 your wife retains me to find it, and then 
 I'll find it and get the reward. If you 
 keep perfectly still, I'll have it found in 
 such a fashion that you'll never be sus 
 pected. If, on the other hand, you say a 
 word about to-night's events, I'll hand you 
 over to the police/ 
 
 " ' Humph !' he said. ' You couldn't 
 prove a case against me/ 
 
 '"I can prove any case against any 
 body,' I retorted. ' If you don't believe 
 it, read my book,' I added, and I handed 
 him a copy of my memoirs. 
 
 '"I've read it/ he answered, 'and I 
 ought to have known better than to come 
 here. I thought you were only a literary 
 success/ And with a deep-drawn sigh he 
 took the watch and went out. Ten clays
 
 40 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 later I was retained by the Duchess, and 
 after a pretended search of ten days more 
 I found the tiara, restored it to the noble 
 lady, and received the 5000 reward. 
 The Duke kept perfectly quiet about our 
 little encounter, and afterwards we be 
 came stanch friends ; for he was a good 
 fellow, and was driven to his desperate 
 deed only by the demands of his credit 
 ors, and the following Christmas he sent 
 me the watch I had given him, with the 
 be^t wishes of the season. 
 
 '"So, you see, gentlemen, in a moment, 
 by quick wit and a mental concentration 
 of no mean order, combined with strict 
 observance of the pettiest details, I fer 
 reted out what bade fair to become a 
 great diamond mystery ; and when I say 
 that this cigar end proves certain things 
 to my mind, it does not become you to 
 doubt the value of my conclusions." 
 
 " Hear ! hear !" cried Raleigh, growing 
 tumultuous with enthusiasm. 
 
 "Your name ? your name ?" came from 
 all parts of the wharf.
 
 THE STRANGER REVEALS HIMSELF 
 
 41 
 
 The stranger, putting his hand into the 
 folds of his coat, drew forth a bundle of 
 business cards, which he tossed, as the 
 prestidigitator tosses playing-cards, out 
 among the audience, and on each of them 
 was found printed the words : 
 
 SHERLOCK HOLMES, 
 
 DETECTIVE. 
 FERRETING DONE HERE. 
 
 Plots for Sale. 
 
 " I think he made a mistake in not tak 
 ing the 200 for the watch. Such care 
 lessness destroys my confidence in him," 
 said Shylock, who was the first to recover 
 from the surprise of the revelation.
 
 ni 
 
 THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED 
 
 "WELL, Mr. Holmes/' said Sir Walter 
 Raleigh, after three rousing cheers, led by 
 Hamlet, had been given with a will by the 
 assembled spirits, "after this demonstra 
 tion in your honor I think it is hardly 
 necessary for me to assure you of our 
 hearty co-operation in anything you may 
 venture to suggest. There is still mani 
 fest, however, some desire on the part of 
 the ever -wise King Solomon and my 
 friend Confucius to know how you deduce 
 that Kidd has sailed for London, from the 
 cigar end which you hold in your hand." 
 
 "I can easily satisfy their curiosity," 
 said Sherlock Holmes, genially. "I be 
 lieve I have already proven that it is the 
 end of Kidd's cigar. The marks of the
 
 " THREE ROUSING CHEERS, LED BY HAMLET, WERK GIVEN
 
 THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED 43 
 
 teeth have shown that. Now observe how 
 closely it is smoked there is barely 
 enough of it left for one to insert between 
 his teeth. Now Captain Kidd would 
 hardly have risked the edges of his mus 
 tache and the comfort of his lips by smok 
 ing a cigar down to the very light if he 
 had had another ; nor would he under any 
 circumstances have smoked it that far un 
 less he were passionately addicted to this 
 particular brand of the weed. Therefore 
 I say to you, first, this was his cigar ; 
 second, it was the last one he had ; third, 
 he is a confirmed smoker. The result, he 
 has gone to the one place in the world 
 where these Connecticut hand-rolled Ha 
 vana cigars for I recognize this as one of 
 them have a real popularity, and are 
 therefore more certainly obtainable, and 
 that is at London. You cannot get so 
 vile a cigar as that outside of a London 
 hotel. If I could have seen a quarter- 
 inch more of it, I should have been able 
 definitely to locate the hotel itself. The 
 wrappers unroll to a degree that varies
 
 44 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 perceptibly as between the different ho 
 tels. The Metropole cigar can be smoked 
 a quarter through before its wrapper gives 
 way ; the Grand wrapper goes as soon as 
 you light the cigar ; whereas the Savoy, 
 fronting on the Thames, is surrounded by 
 a moister atmosphere than the others, and, 
 as a consequence, the wrapper will hold 
 really until most people are willing to 
 throw the whole thing away/' 
 
 "It is really a wonderful art I" said 
 Solomon. 
 
 " The making of a Connecticut Havana 
 cigar?" laughed Holmes. "Not at all. 
 Give me a head of lettuce and a straw, 
 and I'll make you a box." 
 
 "I referred to your art that of de 
 tection," said Solomon. " Your logic is 
 perfect ; step by step we have been led to 
 the irresistible conclusion that Kidd has 
 made for London, and can be found at 
 one of these hotels." 
 
 "And only until next Tuesday, when 
 he will take a house in the neighborhood 
 of Scotland Yard," put in Holmes, quick-
 
 THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED 45 
 
 ly, observing a sneer on Hawkshaw's lips, 
 and hastening to overwhelm him by fur 
 ther evidence of his ingenuity. " When 
 he gets his bill he will open his piratical 
 eyes so wide that he will be seized with 
 jealousy to think of how much more re 
 fined his profession has become since he 
 left it, and out of mere pique he will leave 
 the hotel, and, to show himself still clev 
 erer than his modern prototypes, he will 
 leave his account unpaid, with the result 
 that the affair will be put in the hands of 
 the police, under which circumstances a 
 house in the immediate vicinity of the 
 famous police headquarters will be the 
 safest hiding-place he can find, as was in 
 stanced by the remarkable case of the 
 famous Penstock bond robbery. A cer 
 tain church-warden named Hinkley, hav 
 ing been appointed cashier thereof, robbed 
 the Penstock Imperial Bank of 1,000,- 
 000 in bonds, and, fleeing to London, act 
 ually joined the detective force at Scot 
 land Yard, and was detailed to find him 
 self, which of course he never did, nor
 
 46 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 would he ever have been found had he not 
 crossed my path." 
 
 Hawkshaw gazed mournfully off into 
 space, and Le Coq muttered profane 
 words under his breath. 
 
 " We're not in the same class with this 
 fellow, Hawkshaw," said Le Coq. " You 
 could tap your forehead knowingly eight 
 hours a day through all eternity with a 
 sledge-hammer without loosening an idea 
 like that." 
 
 " Nevertheless I'll confound him yet," 
 growled the jealous detective. "I shall 
 myself go to London, and, disguised as 
 Captain Kidd, will lead this visionary on 
 until he comes there to arrest me, and 
 when these club members discover that it 
 is Hawkshaw and not Kidd he has run to 
 earth, we'll have a great laugh on Sher 
 lock Holmes." 
 
 " I am anxious to hear how you solved 
 the bond-robbery mystery," said Socrates, 
 wrapping his toga closely about him and 
 settling back against one of the spiles of 
 the wharf.
 
 THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED 47 
 
 " So are we all," said Sir Walter. " But 
 meantime the House-boat is getting far 
 ther away." 
 
 "Not unless she's sailing backwards," 
 sneered Noah, who was still nursing his 
 resentment against Sir Christopher Wren 
 for his reflections upon the speed of the 
 Ark. 
 
 " What's the hurry ?" asked Socrates. 
 " I believe in making haste slowly ; and 
 on the admission of our two eminent na 
 val architects, Sir Christopher and Noah, 
 neither of their vessels can travel more 
 than a mile a week, and if we charter the 
 Flying Dutchman to go in pursuit of her 
 we can catch her before she gets out of 
 the Styx into the Atlantic." 
 
 "Jonah might lend us his whale, if the 
 beast is in commission," suggested Mun- 
 chausen, dryly. " I for one would rather 
 take a state-room in Jonah's whale than 
 go aboard the Flying Dutchman again. I 
 made one trip on the Dutchman, and she's 
 worse than a dory for comfort ; further 
 more, I don't see what good it would do
 
 48 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 us to charter a boat that can't land of tenet 
 than once in seven years, and spends most 
 of her time trying to double the Cape of 
 Good Hope." 
 
 "My whale is in commission," said 
 Jonah, with dignity. " But Baron Mun- 
 chausen need not consider the question of 
 taking a state-room aboard of her. She 
 doesn't carry second - class passengers. 
 And if 1 took any stock in the idea of a 
 trip on the Flying Dutchman amounting 
 to a seven years' exile, I would cheerfully 
 pay the Baron's expenses for a round 
 trip." 
 
 " We are losing time, gentlemen," sug 
 gested Sherlock Holmes. " This is a mo 
 ment, I think, when you should lay aside 
 personal differences and personal prefer 
 ences for immediate action. I have ex 
 amined the wake of the House-boat, and 
 I judge from the condition of what, for 
 want of a better term, I may call the suds, 
 when she left us the House-boat was mak 
 ing ten knots a day. Almost any craft 
 we can find suitably manned ought to be
 
 THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED 49 
 
 able to do better than that; and if you 
 could summon Charon and ascertain what 
 boats he has at hand, it would be for the 
 good of all concerned." 
 
 " That's a good plan/' said Johnson. 
 "Boswell, see if you can find Charon." 
 
 "I am here already, sir," returned the 
 ferryman, rising. "Most of my boats 
 have gone into winter quarters, your 
 Honor. The Mayflower went into dry 
 dock last week to be calked up ; the Pinta 
 and the Santa Maria are slow and cranky ; 
 the Monitor and the Merrimac I haven't 
 really had time to patch up ; and the Val 
 kyrie is two months overdue. I cannot 
 make up my mind whether she is lost or 
 kept back by excursion steamers. Hence 
 I really don't know what I can lend you. 
 Any of these boats I have named you 
 could have had for nothing ; but my oth 
 ers are actively employed, and I couldn't 
 let them go without a serious interfer 
 ence with my business." 
 
 The old man blinked sorrowfully across 
 the waters at the opposite shore. It was
 
 60 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 quite evident that he realized what a 
 dreadful expense the club was about to be 
 put to, and while of course there would be 
 profit in it for him, he was sincerely sorry 
 for them. 
 
 " I repeat," he added, " those boats you 
 could have had for nothing, but the oth 
 ers I'd have to charge you for, though of 
 course I'll give you a discount." 
 
 And he blinked again, as he meditated 
 upon whether that discount should be an 
 eighth or one-quarter of one per cent. 
 
 " The Flying Dutchman" he pursued, 
 " ain't no good for your purposes. She's 
 too fast. She's built to fly by, not to 
 stop. You'd catch up with the House 
 boat in a minute with her, but you'd go 
 right on and disappear like a visionary; 
 and as for the Ark, she'd never do with 
 all respect to Mr. Noah. She's just about 
 as suitable as any other waterlogged cat 
 tle-steamer 'd be, and no more first-rate 
 for elephants and kangaroos, but no good 
 for cruiser-work, and so slow she wouldn't 
 make a ripple high enough to drown a
 
 THE SEARCH-PARTY 18 ORGANIZED 51 
 
 gnat going at the top of her speed. Fur 
 thermore, she's got a great big hole in her 
 bottom, where she was stove in by run 
 ning afoul of Mount Arrus-root, I believe 
 it was called when Captain Noah went 
 cruising with that menagerie of his." 
 
 " That's an unmitigated falsehood !" 
 cried Noah, angrily. " This man talks 
 like a professional amateur yachtsman. 
 He has no regard for facts, but simply 
 goes ahead and makes statements with an 
 utter disregard of the truth. The Ark 
 was not stove in. We beached her very 
 successfully. I say this in defence of my 
 seamanship, which was top-notch for my 
 day." 
 
 "Couldn't sail six weeks without foul 
 ing a mountain - peak !" sneered Wren, 
 perceiving a chance to get even. 
 
 "The hole's there, just the same," said 
 Charon. " Maybe she was a centreboard, 
 and that's where you kept the board." 
 
 " The hole is there because it was worn 
 there by one of the elephants," retorted 
 Noah. "You get a beast like the ele-
 
 52 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 phant shuffling one of his fore -feet up 
 and down, up and down, a plank for 
 twenty-four hours a day for forty days 
 in one of your boats, and see where your 
 boat would be." 
 
 " Thanks," said Charon, calmly. " But 
 the elephants don't patronize my line. 
 All the elephants I've ever seen in Hades 
 waded over, except Jumbo, and he reached 
 his trunk across, fastened on to a tree 
 limb with it, and swung himself over. 
 However, the Ark isn't at all what yon 
 want, unless you are going to man her 
 with a lot of centaurs. If that's your in 
 tention, I'd charter her ; the accommo 
 dations are just the thing for a crew of 
 that kind." 
 
 " Well, what do you suggest ?" asked 
 Raleigh, somewhat impatiently. " You've 
 told us what we can't do. Now tell us 
 what we can do." 
 
 "I'd stay right here," said Charon, 
 "and let the ladies rescue themselves. 
 That's what I'd do. I've had the honor 
 of bringing 'em over here, and I think I
 
 THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED 53 
 
 know 'em pretty well. I've watched 'em 
 close, and it's my private opinion that be 
 fore many days you'll see your club-house 
 sailing back here, with Queen Elizabeth 
 at the helium, and the other ladies on the 
 for'ard deck knittin' and crochetin', and 
 tearin' each other to pieces in a conver 
 sational way, as happy as if there never 
 had been any Captain Kidd and his pi 
 rate crew." 
 
 " That suggestion is impossible," said 
 Blackstone, rising. " Whether the relief 
 expedition amounts to anything or not, 
 it's good to be set going. The ladies 
 would never forgive us if we sat here in 
 active, even if they were capable of rescu 
 ing themselves. It is an accepted prin 
 ciple of law that this climate hath no fury 
 like a woman left to herself, and we've 
 got enough professional furies hereabouts 
 without our aiding in augmenting the 
 ranks. We must have a boat." 
 
 "It'll cost you a thousand dollars a 
 week," said Charon. 
 
 " I'll subscribe fifty," cried Hamlet.
 
 64 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 " I'll consult my secretary," said Solo 
 mon, "and find out how many of my 
 wives have been abducted, and I'll pay 
 ten dollars apiece for their recovery." 
 
 "That's liberal," said Hawkshaw. 
 " There are sixty-three of 'em on board, 
 together with eighty of his fiancees. 
 What's the quotation on fiancees, King 
 Solomon ?" 
 
 " Nothing," said Solomon. " They're 
 not mine yet, and it's their fathers' busi 
 ness to get 'em back. Not mine." 
 
 Other subscriptions came pouring in, 
 and it was not long before everybody save 
 Shylock had put his name down for some 
 thing. This some one of the more quick 
 witted of the spirits soon observed, and, 
 with reckless disregard of the feelings of 
 the Merchant of Venice, began to call : 
 " Shylock ! Shylock ! How much ?" 
 
 The Merchant tried to leave the pier, 
 but his path was blocked. 
 
 " Subscribe, subscribe !" was the cry. 
 "How much?" 
 
 " Order, gentlemen, order !" said Sir
 
 THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED 55 
 
 Walter, rising and holding a bottle aloft. 
 "A black person by the name of Friday, 
 a valet of our friend Mr. Crusoe, has just 
 handed me this bottle, which he picked 
 up ten minutes ago on the bank of the 
 river a few miles distant. It contains a 
 bit of paper, and may perhaps give us a 
 clew based upon something more sub 
 stantial than even the wonderful theories 
 of our new brother Holmes." 
 
 A deathly silence followed the chair 
 man's words, as Sir Walter drew a cork 
 screw from his pocket and opened the 
 bottle. He extracted the paper, and, as 
 he had surmised, it proved to be a mes 
 sage from the missing vessel. His face 
 brightening with a smile of relief, Sir 
 Walter read, aloud : 
 
 "Have just emerged into the Atlantic. 
 Club in hands of Kidd and forty ruffians. 
 One hundred and eighty-three ladies on 
 board. Headed for the Azores. Send 
 aid at once. All well except Xanthip 
 pe, who is seasick in the billiard-room. 
 (Signed) Portia."
 
 66 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 "Aha!" cried Hawkshaw. "That 
 shows how valuable the Holmes theory 
 is." 
 
 " Precisely," said Holmes. " No wom 
 an knows anything about seafaring, but 
 Portia is right. The ship is headed for 
 the Azores, which is the first tack needed 
 in a windward sail for London under the 
 present conditions." 
 
 The reply was greeted with cheers, and 
 when they subsided the cry for Shylock's 
 subscription began again, but he declined. 
 
 " I had intended to put up a thousand 
 ducats," he said, defiantly, "but with that 
 woman Portia on board I won't give a red 
 obolus !" and with that he wrapped his 
 cloak about him and stalked off into the 
 gathering shadows of the wood. 
 
 And so the funds were raised without 
 the aid of Shylock, and the shapely twin- 
 screw steamer the Gehenna was chartered 
 of Charon, and put under the command 
 of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who, after he 
 had thanked the company for their confi 
 dence, walked abstractedly away, observ-
 
 THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED 67 
 
 ing in strictest confidence to himself that 
 he had done well to prepare that bottle 
 beforehand and bribe Crusoe's man to 
 find it. 
 
 " For now," he said, with a chuckle, 
 "I can get back to earth again free of 
 cost on my own hook, whether my emi 
 nent inventor wants me there or not. I 
 never approved of his killing me off as he 
 did at the very height of my popularity."
 
 rv 
 
 ON BOAED THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 MEANWHILE the ladies were not hav 
 ing such a bad time, after all. Once hav 
 ing gained possession of the House-boat, 
 they were loath to think of ever having to 
 give it up again, and it is an open ques 
 tion in my mind if they would not have 
 made off with it themselves had Captain 
 Kidd and his men not done it for them. 
 
 " Til never forgive these men for their 
 selfishness in monopolizing all this/' said 
 Elizabeth, with a vicious stroke of a bill 
 iard-cue, which missed the cue-ball and 
 tore a right angle in the cloth. "It is 
 not right." 
 
 " No," said Portia. " It is all wrong ; 
 and when we get back home I'm going to 
 give my beloved Bassanio a piece of my 
 mind ; and if he doesn't give in to me,
 
 ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT 59 
 
 Til reverse my decision in the famous case 
 of Shylock versus Antonio." 
 
 "Then I sincerely hope he doesn't give 
 in," retorted Cleopatra, " for I swear by 
 all my auburn locks that that was the very 
 worst bit of injustice ever perpetrated. 
 Mr. Shakespeare confided to me one night, 
 at one of Mrs. Caesar's card-parties, that he 
 regarded that as the biggest joke he ever 
 wrote, and Judge Blackstone observed to 
 Antony that the decision wouldn't have 
 held in any court of equity outside of 
 Venice. If you owe a man a thousand 
 ducats, and it costs you three thousand to 
 get them, that's your affair, not his. If it 
 cost Antonio every drop of his bluest blood 
 to pay the pound of flesh, it was Antonio's 
 afi air, not Shylock's. However, the world 
 applauds you as a great jurist, when you 
 have nothing more than a woman's keen, 
 instinct for sentimental technicalities." 
 
 "It would have made a horrid play, 
 though, if it had gone on," shuddered 
 Elizabeth. 
 
 " That may be, but, carried out realis-
 
 60 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 tically, it would have done away with a 
 raft of bad actors," said Cleopatra. " I'm 
 half sorry it didn't go on, and I'm sure it 
 wouldn't have been any worse than com 
 pelling Brutus to fall on his sword until 
 he resembles a chicken liver en brocliette, 
 as is done in that Julius Caesar play." 
 
 "Well, I'm very glad I did it," snapped 
 Portia. 
 
 "I should think you would be," said 
 Cleopatra. "If you hadn't done it, you'd 
 never have been known. What was that ?" 
 
 The boat had given a slight lurch. 
 
 "Didn't you hear a shuffling noise up on 
 deck, Portia ?" asked the Egyptian Queen. 
 
 " I thought I did, and it seemed as if 
 the vessel had moved a bit," returned 
 Portia, nervously ; for, like most women 
 in an advanced state of development, she 
 had become a martyr to her nerves. 
 
 " It was merely the wash from one of 
 Charon's new ferry-boats, I fancy," said 
 Elizabeth, calmly. "It's disgusting, the 
 way that old fellow allows these modern 
 innovations to be brought in here ! As
 
 ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT 61 
 
 if the old paddle-boats he used to carry 
 shades in weren't good enough for the 
 immigrants of this age ! Really this Styx 
 River is losing a great deal of its charm. 
 Sir Walter and I were upset, while out 
 rowing one day last summer, by the waves 
 kicked up by one of Charon's excursion 
 steamers going up the river with a party 
 of picnickers from the city the Greater 
 Gehenna Chowder Club, I believe it was 
 on board of her. One might just as 
 well live in the midst of the turmoil of 
 a great city as try to get uninterrupted 
 quiet here in the suburbs in these days. 
 Charon isn't content to get rich slowly ; 
 he must make money by the barrelful, if 
 he has to sacrifice all the comfort of 
 everybody living on this river. Any 
 body 'd think he was an American, the 
 way he goes on ; and everybody else here 
 is the same way. The Erebeans are get 
 ting to be a race of shopkeepers." 
 
 "I think myself/' sighed Cleopatra, 
 " that Hades is being spoiled by the in 
 troduction of American ideas it is get-
 
 62 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 ting by far too democratic for my tastes ; 
 and if it isn't stopped, it's my belief that 
 the best people will stop coming here. 
 Take Madame Kecamier's salon as it is 
 now and compare it with what it used to 
 be ! In the early days, after her arrival 
 here, everybody went because it was the 
 swell thing, and you'd be sure of meeting 
 the intellectually elect. On the one hand 
 you'd find Sophocles ; on the other, 
 Cicero ; across the room would be Horace 
 chatting gayly with some such person as 
 myself. Great warriors, from Alexander 
 to Bonaparte, were there, and glad of the 
 opportunity to be there, too ; statesmen 
 like Macchiavelli ; artists like Cellini or 
 Tintoretto. You couldn't move without 
 stepping on the toes of genius. But now 
 all is different. The money- getting in 
 stinct has been aroused within them all, 
 with the result that when I invited Mozart 
 to meet a few friends at dinner at my 
 place last autumn, he sent me a card stat 
 ing his terms for dinners. Let me see, I 
 think I have it with me ; I've kept it by 
 me for fear of losing it, it is such a com-
 
 ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 plete revelation of the actual condition of 
 affairs in this locality. Ah ! this is it," 
 she added, taking a small bit of paste 
 board from her card-case. " Read that." 
 The card was passed about, and all the 
 ladies were much astonished and natu 
 rally so, for it ran this wise : 
 
 NOTICE TO HOSTESSES. 
 
 Owing to the very great, constantly grow 
 ing, and at times vexatious demands upon 
 his time socially, 
 
 HERR WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART 
 
 takes this method of announcing to his 
 friends that on and after January 1, 1897, 
 his terms for functions will be as follows : 
 
 Mrki. 
 
 Dinners with conversation on the 
 
 Theory of Music 600 
 
 Dinners with conversation on the 
 
 Theory of Music, illustrated.. . 750 
 
 Dinners without any conversa 
 tion 300 
 
 Receptions, public, with music. . . 1000 
 
 " private, " ... 750 
 
 Encores (single) 100 
 
 Three encores for 150 
 
 Autographs 10 
 
 Positively no Invitations for Fire-o'Clock 
 Teas or Morning Musicales considered.
 
 64 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 " Well, I declare !" tittered Elizabeth, 
 as she read. " Isn't that extraordi 
 nary ? He's got the three-name craze, 
 too !" 
 
 " It's perfectly ridiculous," said Cleo 
 patra. "But it's fairer than Artemus 
 Ward's plan. Mozart gives notice of his 
 intentions to charge you ; but with Ward 
 it's different. He comes, and afterwards 
 sends a bill for his fun. Why, only last 
 week I got a ' quarterly statement ' from 
 him showing a charge against me of thirty- 
 eight dollars for humorous remarks made 
 to my guests at a little chafing-dish party 
 I gave in honor of Balzac, and, worst of 
 all, he had marked it ' Please remit/ 
 Even Antony, when he wrote a sonnet to 
 my eyebrow, wouldn't let me have it until 
 he had heard whether or not Boswell 
 wanted it for publication in the Gossip. 
 With Rubens giving chalk-talks for pay, 
 Phidias doing ' Five-minute Masterpieces 
 in Putty ' for suburban lyceums, and all 
 the illustrious in other lines turning their 
 genius to account through the entertain-
 
 ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT 65 
 
 ment bureaus, it's impossible to have a 
 salon now." 
 
 " You are indeed right," said Madame 
 Kecamier, sadly. " Those were palmy 
 days when genius was satisfied with 
 chicken salad and lemonade. I shall 
 never forget those nights when the wit 
 and wisdom of all time were ah were 
 on tap at my house, if I may so speak, at 
 a cost to me of lights and supper. Now 
 the only people who will come for nothing 
 are those we used to think of paying to 
 stay away. Boswell is always ready, but 
 you can't run a salon on Boswell." 
 
 "Well," said Portia, "I sincerely hope 
 that you won't give up the functions al 
 together, because I have always found 
 them most delightful. It is still possible 
 to have lights and supper." 
 
 " I have a plan for next winter," said 
 Madame Kecamier, " but I suppose I shall 
 be accused of going into the commercial 
 side of it if I adopt it. The plan is, 
 briefly, to incorporate my salon. That's 
 an idea worthy of an American, I admit ;
 
 66 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 but if I don't do it I'll have to give it up 
 entirely, which, as you intimate, would be 
 too bad. An incorporated salon, however, 
 would be a grand thing, if only because 
 it would perpetuate the salon. ' The Be"- 
 camier Salon (Limited)' would be a most 
 excellent title, and, suitably capitalized, 
 would enable us to pay our lions suffi 
 ciently. Private enterprise is powerless 
 under modern conditions. It's as much 
 as I can afford to pay for a dinner, with 
 out running up an expense account for 
 guests ; and unless we get up a salon 
 trust, as it were, the whole affair must 
 go to the wall." 
 
 " How would you make it pay ?" asked 
 Portia. " I can't see where your divi 
 dends would come from." 
 
 " That is simple enough," said Madame 
 Recamier. " We could put up a large 
 reception-hall with a portion of our capi 
 tal, and advertise a series of nights 
 say one a week throughout the season. 
 These would be Warriors' Night, Story 
 tellers' Night, Poets' Night, Chafing-dish
 
 ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT 67 
 
 Night under the charge of Brillat - Sava- 
 rin, and so on. It would be understood 
 that on these particular evenings the 
 most interesting people in certain lines 
 would be present, and would mix with 
 outsiders, who should be admitted only on 
 payment of a certain sum of money. The 
 commonplace inhabitants of this country 
 could thus meet the truly great ; and if I 
 know them well, as I think I do, they'll 
 pay readily for the privilege. The ob 
 scure love to rub up against the famous 
 here as well as they do on earth." 
 
 " You'd run a sort of Social Zoo ?" sug 
 gested Elizabeth. 
 
 " Precisely; and provide entertainment 
 for private residences too. An advertise 
 ment in Boswell's paper, which everybody 
 buys" 
 
 " And which nobody reads," said Por 
 tia. 
 
 " They read the advertisements," re 
 torted Madame Eecamier. "As I was 
 saying, an advertisement could be placed 
 in Boswell's paper as follows : ' Are you
 
 68 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 giving a Function ? Do yon want Talent? 
 Get your Genius at the Kecamier Salon 
 (Limited)/ It would be simply magnifi 
 cent as a business enterprise. The com 
 mon herd would be tickled to death if 
 they could get great people at their 
 homes, even if they had to pay roundly 
 for them." 
 
 "It would look well in the society 
 notes, wouldn't it, if Mr. John Boggs 
 gave a reception, and at the close of the 
 account it said, ' The supper was fur 
 nished by Calizetti, and the genius by the 
 Eecamier Salon (Limited)' ?" suggested 
 Elizabeth, scornfully. 
 
 "I must admit," replied the French 
 lady, "that you call up an unpleasant 
 possibility, but I don't really see what 
 else we can do if we want to preserve the 
 salon idea. Somebody has told these 
 talented people that they have a com 
 mercial value, and they are availing them 
 selves of the demand." 
 
 " It is a sad age !" sighed Elizabeth. 
 
 " Well, all I've got to say is just this,"
 
 ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT 6* 
 
 put in Xanthippe : "You people who get 
 up functions have brought this condition 
 of affairs on yourselves. You were not 
 satisfied to go ahead and indulge your 
 passion for lions in a moderate fashion. 
 Take the case of Demosthenes last winter, 
 for instance. His wife told me that he 
 dined at home three times during the 
 winter. The rest of the time he was out, 
 here, there, and everywhere, making after- 
 dinner speeches. The saving on his din 
 ner bills didn't pay his pebble account, 
 much less remunerate him for his time, 
 and the fearful expense of nervous en 
 ergy to which he was subjected. It was 
 as much as she could do, she said, to 
 keep him from shaving one side of his 
 head, so that he couldn't go out, the 
 way he used to do in Athens when he 
 was afraid he would be invited out and 
 couldn't scare up a decent excuse for re 
 fusing." 
 
 " Did he do that ?" cried Elizabeth, 
 with a roar of laughter. 
 
 " So the cyclopaedias say. It's a good
 
 70 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 plan, too," said Xanthippe. " Though 
 Socrates never had to do it. When I got 
 the notion Socrates was going out too 
 much, I used to hide his dress clothes. 
 Then there was the case of Rubens. He 
 gave a Carbon Talk at the Sforza's Thurs 
 day Night Club, merely to oblige Madame 
 Sforza, and three weeks later discovered 
 that she had sold his pictures to pay for 
 her gown ! You people simply run it into 
 the ground. You kill the goose that when 
 taken at the flood leads on to fortune. It 
 advertises you, does the lion no good, and 
 he is expected to be satisfied with confec 
 tionery, material and theoretical. If they 
 are getting tired of candy and compli 
 ments, it's because you have forced too 
 much of it upon them." 
 
 " They like it, just the same," retorted 
 Recamier. " A genius likes nothing bet 
 ter than the sound of his own voice, when 
 he feels that it is falling on aristocratic 
 ears. The social laurel rests pleasantly 
 on many a noble brow." 
 
 " True," said Xanthippe. " But when
 
 THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST THROUGH
 
 ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT 71 
 
 a man gets a pile of Christmas wreaths a 
 mile high on his head, he begins to won 
 der what they will bring on the market. 
 An occasional wreath is very nice, but by 
 the ton they are apt to weigh on his mind. 
 Up to a certain point notoriety is like a 
 woman, and a man is apt to love it ; but 
 when it becomes exacting, demanding in 
 stead of permitting itself to be courted, it 
 loses its charm." 
 
 " That is Socratic in its wisdom," smiled 
 Portia. 
 
 "But Xanthippic in its origin," return 
 ed Xanthippe. " No man ever gave me 
 my ideas." 
 
 As Xanthippe spoke, Lucretia Borgia 
 burst into the room. 
 
 " Hurry and save yourselves!" she cried. 
 "The boat has broken loose from her 
 moorings, and is floating down the stream. 
 If we don't hurry up and do something, 
 we'll drift out to sea !" 
 
 "What!" cried Cleopatra, dropping 
 her cue in terror, and rushing for the 
 stairs. " I was certain I felt a slight
 
 72 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 motion. You said it was the wash from 
 one of Charon's barges, Elizabeth." 
 
 " I thought it was/' said Elizabeth, fol 
 lowing closely after. 
 
 "Well, it wasn't," moaned Lucretia 
 Borgia. " Calpurnia just looked out of 
 the window and discovered that we were 
 in mid-stream." 
 
 The ladies crowded anxiously about the 
 stair and attempted to ascend, Cleopatra 
 in the van ; but as the Egyptian Queen 
 reached the doorway to the upper deck, 
 the door opened, and the hard features 
 of Captain Kidd were thrust roughly 
 through, and his strident voice rang out 
 through the gathering gloom. "Pipe 
 my eye for a sardine if we haven't capt 
 ured a female seminary !" he cried. 
 
 And one by one the ladies, in terror, 
 shrank back into the billiard-room, while 
 Kidd, overcome by surprise, slammed the 
 door to, and retreated into the darkness 
 of the forward deck to consult with his 
 followers as to "what next."
 
 A CONFERENCE ON DECK 
 
 a kettle of fish !" said Kidd, 
 pnlling his chin whisker in perplexity as 
 he and his fellow-pirates gathered about 
 the capstan to discuss the situation. " I'm 
 blessed if in all my experience I ever sailed 
 athwart anything like it afore ! Pirating 
 with a lot of low-down ruffians like you 
 gentlemen is bad enough, but on a craft 
 loaded to the water's edge with advanced 
 women I've half a mind to turn back." 
 "If you do, yon swim we'll not turn 
 back with you," retorted Abeuchapeta, 
 whom, in honor of his prowess, Kidd had 
 appointed executive officer of the House 
 boat. " I have no desire to be mutinous, 
 Captain Kidd, but I have not embarked 
 upon this enterprise for a pleasure sail
 
 74 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 down the Styx. I am out for business. 
 If you had thirty thousand women on 
 board, still should I not turn back." 
 
 " But what shall we do with 'em ?" 
 pleaded Kidd. " Where can we go with 
 out attracting attention ? Who's going 
 to feed 'em ? Who's going to dress 'em ? 
 Who's going to keep 'em in bonnets ? 
 You don't know anything about these 
 creatures, my dear Abeuchapeta ; and, by- 
 the-way, can't we arbitrate that name of 
 yours ? It would be fearful to remember 
 in the excitement of a fight." 
 
 " Call him Ab," suggested Sir Henry 
 Morgan, with an ill-concealed sneer, for 
 he was deeply jealous of Abeuchapeta'a 
 preferral. 
 
 " If you do I'll call you Morgue, and 
 change your appearance to fit," retorted 
 Abeuchapeta, angrily. 
 
 " By the beards of all my sainted Buc 
 caneers," began Morgan, springing angrily 
 to his feet, " I'll have your life !" 
 
 "Gentlemen! Gentlemen my noble 
 ruffians !" expostulated Kidd. " Come,
 
 HERE S A KETTLE OF FISH, SAID KIDD
 
 A CONFERENCE ON DECK 75 
 
 come ; this will never do! I must have 
 no quarrelling among my aides. This is 
 no time for divisions in our councils. An 
 entirely unexpected element has entered 
 into our affairs, and it behooveth us to 
 .act in concert. It is no light matter " 
 
 " Excuse me, captain," said Abeuchape- 
 ta, "but that is where you and I do not 
 agree. We've got our ship and we've got 
 our crew, and in addition we find that 
 the Fates have thrown in a hundred or 
 more women to act as ballast. Now I, for 
 one, do not fear a woman. We can set 
 them to work. There is plenty for them 
 to do keeping things tidy ; and if we get 
 into a very hard fight, and come out of 
 the melee somewhat the worse for wear, 
 it will be a blessing to have 'em along to 
 mend our togas, sew buttons on our uni 
 forms, and darn our hosiery." 
 
 Morgan laughed sarcastically. " When 
 did you flourish, if ever, colonel ?" he 
 asked. 
 
 " Do you refer to me ?" queried Abeu- 
 chapeta, with a frown.
 
 76 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 " Yon have guessed correctly," replied 
 Morgan, icily. "I have quite forgotten 
 your date ; were you a success in the year 
 one, or when ?" 
 
 "Admiral Abeuchapeta, Sir Henry," 
 interposed Kidd, fearing a further out 
 break of hostilities " Admiral Abeucha 
 peta was the terror of the seas in the 
 seventh century, and what he undertook 
 to do he did, and his piratical enterprises 
 were carried on on a scale of magnificence 
 which is without parallel off the comic- 
 opera stage. He never went forth with 
 out at least seventy galleys and a hundred 
 other vessels." 
 
 Abeuchapeta drew himself up proudly. 
 
 " Six-ninety-eight was my great year," 
 he said. 
 
 " That's what I thought," said Morgan. 
 " That is to say, you got your ideas of 
 women twelve hundred years ago, and the 
 ladies have changed somewhat since that 
 time. I have great respect for you, sir, 
 as a ruffian. I have no doubt that as a 
 ruffian you are a complete success, but
 
 A CONFERENCE ON DECK 77 
 
 when it comes to ' feminology ' you are 
 sailing in unknown waters. The study of 
 women, my dear Abeuchadnezzar " 
 
 " Peta," retorted Abeuchapeta, irrita 
 bly. 
 
 "I stand corrected. The study of 
 women, my dear Peter/' said Morgan, 
 with a wink at Conrad, which fortunate 
 ly the seventh-century pirate did not see, 
 else there would have been an open break 
 " the study of women is more difficult 
 than that of astronomy ; there may be two 
 stars alike, but all women are unique. 
 Because she was this, that, or the other 
 thing in your day does not prove that she 
 is any one of those things in our day in 
 fact, it proves the contrary. Why, I vent 
 ure even to say that no individual wom 
 an is alike." 
 
 " That's rather a hazy thought," said 
 Kidd, scratching his head in a puzzled 
 sort of way. 
 
 "I mean that she's different from her 
 self at different times," said Morgan. 
 " "What is it the poet called her ? e an
 
 78 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 infinite variety show/ or something of 
 that sort ; a perpetual vaudeville a con 
 tinuous performance, as it were, from 
 twelve to twelve." 
 
 "Morgan is right, admiral!" put in 
 Conrad the corsair, acting temporarily as 
 bo'sun. " The times are sadly changed, 
 and woman is no longer what she was. 
 She is hardly what she is, much less what 
 she was. The Eoman Gynaeceum would 
 be an impossibility to-day. You might as 
 well expect Delilah to open a barber-shop 
 on board this boat as ask any of these 
 advanced females below-stairs to sew but 
 tons on a pirate's uniform after a fray, or 
 to keep the fringe on his epaulets curled. 
 They're no longer sewing-machines they 
 are Keeley motors for mystery and per 
 petual motion. Women have views now 
 they are no longer content to be looked 
 at merely ; they must see for themselves ; 
 and the more they see, the more they wish 
 to domesticate man and emancipate wom 
 an. It's my private opinion that if we 
 are to get along with them at all the best
 
 A CONFERENCE ON DECK f9 
 
 thing to do is to let 'em alone. I have al 
 ways found I was better off in the abstract, 
 and if this question is going to be settled 
 in a purely democratic fashion by submit 
 ting it to a vote, I'll vote for any measure 
 which involves leaving them strictly to 
 themselves. They're nothing but a lot of 
 ghosts anyhow, like ourselves, and we 
 can pretend we don't see them." 
 
 " If that could be, it would be excel 
 lent," said Morgan ; " but it is impossi 
 ble. For a pirate of the Byronic order, 
 my dear Conrad, you are strangely un 
 versed in the ways of the sex which cheers 
 but not inebriates. We can no more ig 
 nore their presence upon this boat than 
 we can expect whales to spout kerosene. 
 In the first place, it would be excessively 
 impolite of us to cut them to decline to 
 speak to them if they should address us. 
 "We may be pirates, ruffians, cutthroats, 
 but I hope we shall never forget that we 
 are gentlemen." 
 
 "The whole situation is rather con 
 trary to etiquette, don't you think ?" sug-
 
 80 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 gested Conrad. " There's nobody to in 
 troduce us, and I can't really see how we 
 can do otherwise than ignore them. I 
 certainly am not going to stand on deck 
 and make eyes at them, to try and pick 
 up an acquaintance with them, even if I 
 am of a Byronic strain." 
 
 " You forget," said Kidd, " two essen 
 tial features of the situation. These 
 women are at present or shortly will 
 be, when they realize their situation 
 in distress, and a true gentleman may 
 always fly to the rescue of a distressed 
 female; and, the second point, we shall 
 soon be on the seas, and I understand 
 that on the fashionable transatlantic lines 
 it is now considered de rigueur to speak 
 to anybody you choose to. The intro 
 duction business isn't going to stand in 
 my way." 
 
 "Well, may I ask," put in Abeuchapeta, 
 " just what it is that is worrying you ? 
 You said something about feeding them, 
 and dressing them, and keeping them in 
 bonnets. I fancy there's fish enough in
 
 A CONFERENCE ON DECK 81 
 
 the sea to feed 'em ; and as for their 
 gowns and hats, they can make 'em them 
 selves. Every woman is a milliner at 
 heart." 
 
 "Exactly, and we'll have to pay the 
 milliners. That is what bothers me. I 
 was going to lead this expedition to 
 London, Paris, and New York, admiral. 
 That is where the money is, and to get it 
 you've got to go ashore, to headquarters. 
 You cannot nowadays find it on the high 
 seas. Modern civilization," said Kidd, 
 "has ruined the pirate's business. The 
 latest news from the other world has 
 really opened my eyes to certain facts 
 that I never dreamed of. The conditions 
 of the day of which I speak are interest 
 ingly shown in the experience of our 
 friend Hawkins here. Captain Hawkins, 
 would you have any objection to stating 
 to these gentlemen the condition of affairs 
 which led you to give up piracy on the 
 high seas ?" 
 
 "Not the slightest, Captain Kidd/' re 
 turned Captain Hawkins, who was a re-
 
 82 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 cent arrival in Hades. " It is a sad little 
 story, and it gives me a pain for to think 
 on it, but none the less I'll tell it, since 
 yon ask me. When I were a mere boy, 
 fellow -pirates, I had but one ambition, 
 due to my readin', which was confined to 
 stories of a Sunday-school nater to be 
 come somethin' different from the little 
 "Willies an' the clever Tommies what I 
 read about therein. They was all good, 
 an' they went to their reward too soon in 
 life for me, who even in them days re 
 garded death as a stuffy an' unpleasant 
 diversion. Learnin' at an early period 
 that virtue was its only reward, an' a-wish- 
 in' others, I says to myself : ' Jim,' says I, 
 'if you wishes to become a magnet in this 
 village, be sinful. If so be as you are a 
 good boy, an' kind to your sister an' all 
 other animals, you'll end up as a prosper 
 ous father with fifteen hundred a year 
 sure, with never no hope for no public 
 preferment beyond bein' made the super 
 intendent of the Sunday-school ; but if 
 so be as how you're bad, you may become
 
 A CONFERENCE ON DECK 83 
 
 famous, an' go to Congress, an' have your 
 picture in the Sunday noospapers.' So I 
 looks around for books tellin' how to get 
 1 Famous in Fifty Ways/ an' after due re 
 flection I settles in my mind that to be a 
 pirate's just the thing for me, seein' as 
 how it's both profitable an' healthy. Pass- 
 in' over details, let me tell you that I be 
 came a pirate. I ran away to sea, an' by 
 dint of perseverance, as the Sunday-school 
 books useter say, in my badness I soon be 
 came the centre of a evil lot ; an' when I 
 says to 'em, ( Boys, I wants to be a pirate 
 chief/ they hollers back, loud like, * Jim, 
 we're with you/ an' they was. For years 
 I was the terror of the Venezuelan Gulf, 
 the Spanish Main, an' the Pacific seas, but 
 there was precious little money into it. 
 The best pay I got was from a Sunday 
 noospaper, which paid me well to sign an 
 article on ' Modern Piracy ' which I didn't 
 write. Finally business got so bad the 
 crew began to murmur, an' I was at my 
 wits' ends to please 'em ; when one morn- 
 in', havin' passed a restless night, I picks.
 
 .84 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 up a noospaper and sees in it that ' Next 
 Saturday's steamer is a weritable treasure- 
 ship, takin' out twelve million dollars, and 
 the jewels of a certain prima donna valued 
 at five hundred thousand.' ' Here's my 
 chance/ says I, an' I goes to sea and lies 
 in wait for the steamer. I captures her 
 easy, my crew bein' hungry, an' fightin' 
 according like. We steals the box a-hold- 
 in' the jewels an' the bag containin' the 
 millions, hustles back to our own ship, 
 an' makes for our rondyvoo, me with two 
 bullets in my leg, four o' my crew killed, 
 and one engin' of my ship disabled by a 
 .shot but happy. Twelve an' a half mill 
 ions at one break is enough to make any 
 body happy." 
 
 " I should say so," said Abeuchapeta, 
 with an ecstatic shake of his head. "I 
 didn't get that in all my career." 
 
 "Nor I," sighed Kidd. "But go on, 
 Hawkins." 
 
 "Well, as I says," continued Captain 
 Hawkins, "we goes to the rondyvoo to 
 look over our booty. ' Captain 'Awkins/
 
 o
 
 A CONFERENCE ON DECK 85 
 
 says my valet for I was a swell pirate, 
 gents, an' never travelled nowhere without 
 a man to keep my clothes brushed and the 
 proper wrinkles in my trousers 'this 'ere 
 twelve millions/ says he, 'is werry light/ 
 says he, carryin' the bag ashore. ' I don't 
 care how light it is, so long as it's twelve 
 millions, Henderson,' says I ; but my 
 heart sinks inside o' me at his words, an* 
 the minute we lands I sits down to in 
 vestigate right there on the beach. I 
 opens the bag, an' it's the one I was after 
 but the twelve millions !" 
 
 " Weren't there ?" cried Conrad. 
 
 "Yes, they was there," sighed Hawkins, 
 " but every bloomin' million was repre 
 sented by a certified check, an' payable in 
 London !" 
 
 " By Jingo I" cried Morgan. " What 
 fearful luck ! But you had the prima 
 donna's jewels." 
 
 " Yes," said Hawkins, with a moan. 
 " But they was like all other prima don 
 na's jewels for advertisin' purposes only, 
 an' made o' gum-arabic !"
 
 86 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 " Horrible V said Abeuchapeta. " And 
 the crew, what did they say ?" 
 
 " They was a crew of a few words," 
 sighed Hawkins. " Werry few words, an' 
 not a civil word in the lot mostly adjec 
 tives of a profane kind. When I told 'em 
 what had happened, they got mad at Fort 
 une for a-jiltin' of 'em, an' well, I came 
 here. I was 'sas'inated that werry night!" 
 
 " They killed you ?" cried Morgan. 
 
 ' ' A dozen times," nodded Hawkins. 
 "They always was a lavish lot. I met 
 death in all its most horrid forms. First 
 they stabbed me, then they shot me, then 
 they clubbed me, and so on, endin' up with 
 a lynchin' but I didn't mind much after 
 the first, which hurt a bit. But now that 
 I'm here I'm glad it happened. This life 
 is sort of less responsible than that other. 
 You can't hurt a ghost by shooting him, 
 because there ain't nothing to hurt, an' I 
 must say I like bein' a mere vision what 
 everybody can see through." 
 
 "All of which interesting tale proves 
 what ?" queried Abeuchapeta.
 
 A CONFERENCE ON DECK 87 
 
 " That piracy on the sea is not profita 
 ble in these days of the check banking 
 system," said Kidd. "If you can get a 
 chance at real gold it's all right, but it's 
 of no earthty use to steal checks that peo 
 ple can stop payment on. Therefore it 
 was my plan to visit the cities and do a 
 little freebooting there, where solid ma 
 terial wealth is to be found." 
 
 "Well ? Can't we do it now?" asked 
 Abeuchapeta. 
 
 "Not with these women tagging after 
 us," returned Kidd. " If we went to 
 London and lifted the whole Bank of 
 England, these women would have it spent 
 on Regent Street inside of twenty-four 
 hours." 
 
 " Then leave them on board," said 
 Abeuchapeta. 
 
 " And have them steal the ship !" re 
 torted Kidd. "No. There are but two 
 things to do. Take 'em back, or land 
 them in Paris. Tell them to spend a 
 week on shore while we are provisioning. 
 Tell 'em to shop to their hearts' content,
 
 88 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 and while they are doing it we can sneak 
 off and leave them stranded/' 
 
 " Splendid!" cried Morgan. 
 
 " But will they consent ?" asked Abeu- 
 chapeta. 
 
 " Consent ! To shop ? In Paris ? For 
 a week ?" cried Morgan. 
 
 "Ha, ha!" laughed Hawkins. "Will 
 they consent ! Will a duck swim ?" 
 
 And so it was decided, which was the 
 first incident in the career of the House 
 boat upon which the astute Mr. Sherlock 
 Holmes had failed to count.
 
 VI 
 
 A CONFEBENCE BELOW- STAIRS 
 
 with a resounding slam, the 
 door to the upper deck of the House-boat 
 was shut in the faces of queens Elizabeth 
 and Cleopatra by the unmannerly Kidd, 
 these ladies turned and gazed at those 
 who thronged the stairs behind them in 
 blank amazement, and the heart of Xan 
 thippe, had one chosen to gaze through 
 that diaphanous person's ribs, could have 
 been seen to beat angrily. 
 
 Queen Elizabeth was so excited at this 
 wholly novel attitude towards her regal 
 self that, having turned, she sat down 
 plump upon the floor in the most unroyal 
 fashion. 
 
 "Well !" she ejaculated. "If this does 
 not surpass everything ! The idea of it !
 
 90 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 Oil for one hour of my olden power, 
 one hour of the axe, one hour of the 
 block !" 
 
 "Get up," retorted Cleopatra, "and let 
 us all return to the billiard-room and dis 
 cuss this matter calmly. It is quite evi 
 dent that something has happened of 
 which we wotted little when we came 
 aboard this craft." 
 
 " That is a good idea/' said Calpurnia, 
 retreating below. "I can see through 
 the window that we are in motion. The 
 vessel has left her moorings, and is mak 
 ing considerable headway down the stream, 
 and the distinctly masculine voices we 
 have heard are indications to my mind 
 that the ship is manned, and that this is 
 the result of design rather than of acci 
 dent. Let us below." 
 
 Elizabeth rose up and readjusted her 
 ruff, which in the excitement of the mo 
 ment had been forced to assume a posi 
 tion about her forehead which gave one 
 the impression that its royal wearer had 
 suddenly donned a sombrero.
 
 A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS 91 
 
 " Very well/' she said. " Let us be 
 low ; but oh, for the axe !" 
 
 " Bring the lady an axe/' cried Xan 
 thippe, sarcastically. " She wants to cut 
 somebody." 
 
 The sally was not greeted with applause. 
 The situation was regarded as being too 
 serious to admit of humor, and in silence 
 they filed back into the billiard-room, and, 
 arranging themselves in groups, stood 
 about anxiously discussing the situa 
 tion. 
 
 " It's getting rougher every minute/' 
 sobbed Ophelia. "Look at those pool- 
 balls !" These were in very truth chas 
 ing each other about the table in an ex 
 traordinary fashion. " And I wish I'd 
 never followed you horrid new creatures 
 on board !" the poor girl added, in aK 
 agony of despair. 
 
 " I believe we've crossed the bar al 
 ready !" said Cleopatra, gazing out of the 
 window at a nasty choppy sea that was 
 adding somewhat to the disquietude of 
 the fair gathering. " If tk-S is merely a
 
 92 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 joke on the part of the Associated Shades, 
 it is a mighty poor one, and I think it is 
 time it should cease." 
 
 " Oh, for an axe I" moaned Elizabeth, 
 again. 
 
 "Excuse me, your Majesty/' put in 
 Xanthippe. " You said that before, and 
 I must say it is getting tiresome. You 
 couldn't do anything with an axe. Sup 
 pose you had one. What earthly good 
 would it do you, who were accustomed to 
 doing all your killing by proxy ? I don't 
 believe, if you had the unmannerly person 
 who slammed the door in your face lying 
 prostrate upon the billiard-table here, you 
 could hit him a square blow in the neck 
 if you had a hundred axes. Delilah 
 might as well cry for her scissors, for all 
 the good it would do us in our predica 
 ment. If Cleopatra had her asp with her 
 it might be more to the purpose. One 
 deadly little snake like that let loose on 
 the upper deck would doubtless drive 
 these boors into tlie sea, and even then 
 our condition would not be bettered, for
 
 A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS 93 
 
 there isn't any of us that can sail a boat. 
 There isn't an old salt among us. 
 
 " Too bad Mrs. Lot isn't along/' gig 
 gled Marguerite de Valois, whose Gallic 
 spirits were by no means overshadowed by 
 the unhappy predicament in which she 
 found herself. 
 
 "I'm here/'piped up Mrs. Lot. "But 
 I'm not that kind of a salt." 
 
 "I am present," said Mrs. Noah. 
 " Though why I ever came I don't know, 
 for I vowed the minute I set my foot on 
 Ararat that dry land was good enough for 
 me, and that I'd never step aboard an 
 other boat as long as I lived. If, how 
 ever, now that I am here, I can give you 
 the benefit of my nautical experience, 
 you are all perfectly welcome to it." 
 
 "I'm sure we're very much obliged 
 for the offer," said Portia, " but in the 
 emergency which has arisen we cannot 
 say how much obliged we are until we 
 know what your experience amounted to. 
 Before relying upon you we ought to 
 know how far that reliance can go not
 
 94 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 that I lack confidence in you, my dear 
 madam, but that in an hour of peril one 
 must take care to rely upon the oak, not 
 upon the reed." 
 
 " The point is properly taken," said 
 Elizabeth, "and I wish to say here that I 
 am easier in my mind when I realize that 
 we have with us so level-headed a person 
 as the lady who has just spoken. She 
 has spoken truly and to the point. If I 
 were to become queen again, I should 
 make her my attorney-general. We must 
 not go ahead impulsively, but look at all 
 things in a calm, judicial manner." 
 
 " Which is pretty hard work with a sea 
 like this on," remarked Ophelia, faintly, 
 for she was getting a trifle sallow, as in 
 deed she might, for the House-boat was 
 beginning to roll tremendously, with no 
 alleviation save an occasional pitch, which 
 was an alleviation only in the sense that it 
 gave variety to their discomfort. " I don't 
 believe a chief-justice could look at things 
 calmly and in a judicial manner if he felt 
 as I do."
 
 A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS 95 
 
 " Poor dear !" said the matronly Mrs. 
 Noah, sympathetically. " I know exactly 
 how you feel. I have been there myself. 
 The fourth day out I and my whole family 
 were in the same condition, except that 
 Noah, my husband, was so very far gone 
 that I could not afford to yield. I nursed 
 him for six days before he got his sea-legs 
 on, and then succumbed myself." 
 
 " But," gasped Ophelia, " that doesn't 
 help me " 
 
 " It did my husband," said Mrs. Noah. 
 " When he heard that the boys were sea 
 sick too, he actually laughed and began 
 to get better right away. There is really 
 only one cure for the mal de mer, and that 
 is the fun of knowing that somebody else 
 is suffering too. If some of you ladies 
 would kindly yield to the seductions of 
 the sea, I think we could get this poor 
 girl on her feet in an instant." 
 
 Unfortunately for poor Ophelia, there 
 was no immediate response to this appeal, 
 and the unhappy young woman was forced 
 to suffer in solitude.
 
 96 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 "We have no time for untimely diver 
 sions of this sort/' snapped Xanthippe, 
 with a scornful glance at the suffering 
 Ophelia, who, having retired to a com 
 fortable lounge at an end of the room, 
 was evidently improving. "I have no 
 sympathy with this habit some of my sex 
 seem to have acquired of succumbing to 
 an immediate sensation of this nature/' 
 
 " I hope to be pardoned for interrupt 
 ing," said Mrs. Noah, with a great deal of 
 firmness, " but I wish Mrs. Socrates to 
 understand that it is rather early in the 
 voyage for her to lay down any such broad 
 principle as that, and for her own sake to 
 morrow, I think it would be well if she 
 withdrew the sentiment. There are cer 
 tain things about a sea-voyage that are 
 more or less beyond the control of man 
 or woman, and any one who chides that 
 poor suffering child on yonder sofa ought 
 to be more confident than Mrs. Socrates 
 can possibly be that within an hour she 
 will not be as badly off. People who live 
 in glass houses should not throw dice."
 
 A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS 87 
 
 " I shall never yield to anything so un 
 dignified as seasickness, let me tell yon 
 that/' retorted Xanthippe. "Further 
 more, the proverb is not as the lady has 
 qnoted it. ' People who live in glass 
 honses should not throw stones' is the 
 proper version." 
 
 " I was not quoting," returned Mrs. 
 Noah, calmly. "When I said that people 
 who live in glass houses should not throw 
 dice, I meant precisely what I said. Peo 
 ple who live in glass houses should not 
 take chances. In assuming with such 
 vainglorious positiveness that she will not 
 be seasick, the lady who has just spoken 
 is giving tremendous odds, as the boys 
 used to say on the Ark when we gathered 
 about the table at night and began to 
 make small wagers on the day's run." 
 
 " I think we had better suspend thi& 
 discussion," suggested Cleopatra. " It is 
 of no immediate interest to any one 
 but Ophelia, and I fancy she does not 
 care to dwell upon it at any great length. 
 It is more important that we should de-
 
 98 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 cide upon our future course of action. 
 In the first place, the question is who 
 these people up on deck are. If they are 
 the members of the club, WQ are all right. 
 They will give us our scare, and land us 
 safely again at the pier. In that event it 
 is our womanly duty to manifest no con 
 cern, and to seem to be aware of nothing 
 unusual in the proceeding. It would 
 never do to let them think that their joke 
 has been a good one. If, on the other 
 hand, as I fear, we are the victims of some 
 horde of ruffians, who have pounced upon 
 us unawares, and are going into the busi 
 ness of abduction on a wholesale basis, we 
 must meet treachery with treachery, strat 
 egy with strategy. I, for one, am per 
 fectly willing to make every man on board 
 walk the plank, having confidence in the 
 seawomanship of Mrs. Noah and her abil 
 ity to steer us into port." 
 
 " I am quite in accord with these 
 views," put in Madame Recamier, "and 
 I move you, Mrs. President, that we or 
 ganize a series of subcommittees one on
 
 A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS 99 
 
 treachery, with Lucretia Borgia and Deli 
 lah as members ; one on strategy, consist 
 ing of Portia and Queen Elizabeth ; one 
 on navigation, headed by Mrs. Noah ; with 
 a final subcommittee on reconnoitre, with 
 Cassandra to look forward, and Mrs. Lot 
 to look aft all of these subordinated to 
 a central committee of safety headed by 
 Cleopatra and Ca'ipurnia. The rest of us 
 can then commit ourselves and our inter 
 ests unreservedly to these ladies, and pro 
 ceed to enjoy ourselves without thought 
 of the morrow." 
 
 "I second the motion," said Ophelia, 
 { ' with the amendment that Madame Re- 
 camier be appointed chair-lady of another 
 subcommittee, on entertainment." 
 
 The amendment was accepted, and the 
 motion put. It was carried with an en 
 thusiastic aye, and the organization was 
 complete. 
 
 The various committees retired to the 
 several corners of the room to discuss 
 their individual lines of action, when a 
 shadow was observed to obscure the
 
 100 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 moonlight which had been streaming in 
 through the window. The faces of Cai- 
 purnia and Cleopatra blanched for an in 
 stant, as, immediately following upon this 
 apparition, a large bundle was hurled 
 through the open port into the middle of 
 the room, and the shadow vanished. 
 
 "Is it a bomb ?'' cried several of the 
 ladies at once. 
 
 " Nonsense I" said Madame Recamier, 
 jumping lightly forward. " A man doesn't 
 mind blowing a woman up, but he'll nev 
 er blow himself up. We're safe enough 
 in that respect. The thing looks to me 
 like a bundle of illustrated papers." 
 
 " That's what it is," said Cleopatra, who 
 had been investigating. " It's rather a dis 
 courteous bit of courtesy, tossing them in 
 through the window that way, I think, 
 but I presume they mean well. Dear 
 me," she added, as, having untied the 
 bundle, she held one of the open papers 
 up before her, "how interesting ! All 
 the latest Paris fashions. Humph ! Look 
 at those sleeves, Elizabeth. What an ini-
 
 A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS 101 
 
 pregnable fortress you would have been 
 with those sleeves added to your ruffs !" 
 
 " I should think they'd be very becom 
 ing," put in Cassandra, standing on her 
 tiptoes and looking over Cleopatra's shoul 
 der. " That Watteau isn't bad, either, is. 
 it, now ?" 
 
 " No," remarked Calpurnia. " I won 
 der how a Watteau back like that would 
 go on my blue alpaca ?" 
 
 " Very nicely," said Elizabeth. " How 
 many gores has it ?" 
 
 "Five," observed Calpurnia. "One 
 more than Caesar's toga. We had to 
 have our costumes distinct in some way." 
 
 " A remarkable hat, that," nodded Mrs. 
 Lot, her eye catching sight of a Virot 
 creation at the top of the page. 
 
 "Reminds me of Eve's description of 
 an autumn scene in the garden," smiled 
 Mrs. Noah. " Gorgeous in its foliage, 
 beautiful thing ; though I shouldn't have 
 dared wear one in the Ark, with all those 
 hungry animals browsing about the up 
 per and lower decks."
 
 102 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 "I wonder," remarked Cleopatra, as 
 she cocked her head to one side to take 
 in the full effect of an attractive summer 
 gown " I wonder how that waist would 
 make up in blue crepon, with a yoke of 
 lace and a stylishly contrasting stock of 
 satin ribbon ?" 
 
 "It would depend upon how you fin 
 ished the sleeves," remarked Madame 
 Recamier. " If you had a few puffs of 
 rich brocaded satin set in with deeply 
 folded pleats it wouldn't be bad." 
 
 "I think it would be very effective," 
 observed Mrs. Noah, "but a trifle too 
 light for general wear. I should want 
 some kind of a wrap with it." 
 
 "It does need that," assented Eliza 
 beth. "A wrap made of passementerie 
 and jet, with a mousseline de soie ruche 
 about the neck held by a chou, would 
 make it fascinating." 
 
 " The committee on treachery is ready 
 to report," said Delilah, rising from her 
 corner, where she and Lucretia Borgia 
 had been having so animated a discussion
 
 ' THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY IS READY TO REPORT ' ''
 
 A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS 103 
 
 that they had failed to observe the others 
 crowding about Cleopatra and the papers. 
 
 " A little sombre," said Cleopatra. 
 " The corsage is effective, but I don't like 
 those basque terminations. I've never 
 approved of those full godets " 
 
 " The committee on treachery/' re 
 marked Delilah again, raising her voice, 
 " has a suggestion to make." 
 
 "I can't get over those sleeves, though," 
 laughed Helen of Troy. " What is the 
 use of them ?" 
 
 " They might be used to get Greeks 
 into Troy," suggested Madame Recamier. 
 
 " The committee on treachery," roared 
 Delilah, thoroughly angered by the absorp 
 tion of the chairman and others, "has a 
 suggestion to make. This is the third 
 and last call." 
 
 "Oh, I beg pardon," cried Cleopatra, 
 rapping for order. " I had forgotten all 
 about oar committees. Excuse me, Deli 
 lah. I ah was absorbed in other mat 
 ters. Will you kindly lay your pattern-^ 
 I should say your plan before us ?"
 
 104 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 "It is briefly this," said Delilah. "It 
 has been suggested that we invite the 
 rew of this vessel to a chafing-dish party, 
 under the supervision of Lucretia Borgia, 
 and that she " 
 
 The balance of the plan was not out 
 lined, for at this point the speaker was 
 interrupted by a loud knocking at the 
 door, its instant opening, and the appear 
 ance in the doorway of that ill-visaged 
 ruffian Captain Kidd. 
 
 " Ladies/' he began, " I have come here 
 to explain to you the situation in which 
 you find yourselves. Have I your per 
 mission to speak ?" 
 
 The ladies started back, but the chair 
 man was equal to the occasion. 
 
 " Go on," said Cleopatra, with queenly 
 dignity, turning to the interloper ; and 
 the pirate proceeded to take the second 
 step in the nefarious plan upon which he 
 and his brother ruffians had agreed, of 
 which the tossing in through the window 
 of the bundle of fashion papers was the 
 first.
 
 vn 
 
 THE "GEHENNA" is CHARTERED 
 
 IT was about twenty-four hours after 
 the events narrated in the preceding 
 chapters that Mr. Sherlock Holmes as 
 sumed command of the Gehenna, which 
 was nothing more nor less than the shad 
 ow of the ill-starred ocean steamship City 
 of Chicago, which tried some years ago to 
 reach Liverpool by taking the overland 
 route through Ireland, fortunately with 
 out detriment to her passengers or crew, 
 who had the pleasure of the experience of 
 shipwreck without any of the discomforts 
 of drowning. As will be remembered, the 
 obstructionist nature of the Irish soil pre 
 vented the City of Chicago from proceed 
 ing farther inland than was necessary to 
 keep her well balanced amidships upon a
 
 106 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 convenient and not too stony bed ; and 
 that after a brief sojourn on the rocks 
 she was finally disposed of to the Styx 
 Navigation Company, under which title 
 Charon had had himself incorporated, is 
 a matter of nautical history. The change 
 of name to the Gehenna was the act of 
 Charon himself, and was prompted, no 
 doubt, by a desire to soften the jealous 
 prejudices of the residents of the Stygian 
 capital against the nourishing and ever 
 growing metropolis of Illinois. 
 
 The Associated Shades had had some 
 trouble in getting this craft. Charon, 
 through his constant association with life 
 on both sides of the dark river, had gained 
 a knowledge, more or less intimate, of 
 modern business methods, and while as 
 janitor of the club he was subject to the 
 will of the House Committee, and sym 
 pathized deeply with the members of the 
 association in their trouble, as presi 
 dent of the Styx Navigation Company he 
 was bound up in certain newly attained 
 commercial ideas which were embarrass-
 
 THE "GEHENNA" is CHARTERED 107 
 
 ing to those members of the association 
 to whose hands the chartering of a vessel 
 had been committed. 
 
 " See here, Charon/' Sir Walter Ealeigh 
 had said, after Charon had expressed him 
 self as deeply sympathetic, but unable to 
 shave the terms upon which the vessel 
 could be had, " you are an infernal old 
 hypocrite. You go about wringing your 
 hands over our misfortunes until they've 
 got as dry and flabby as a pair of kid 
 gloves, and yet when we ask you for a 
 ship of suitable size and speed to go out 
 after those pirates, you become a sort of 
 twin brother to Shylock, without his ex 
 cuse. His instincts are accidents of 
 birth. Yours are cultivated, and you 
 know it." 
 
 "You are very much mistaken, Sir 
 Walter," Charon had answered to this. 
 " You don't understand my position. It 
 is a very hard one. As janitor of your 
 club I am really prostrated over the 
 events of the past twenty-four hours. 
 My occupation is gone, and my despair
 
 108 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 over your loss is correspondingly greater, 
 for I have time on my hands to brood 
 over it. I was hysterical as a woman 
 yesterday afternoon so hysterical that I 
 came near upsetting one of the Furies 
 who engaged me to row her down to Ma 
 dame Medusa's villa last evening ; and 
 right at the sluice of the vitriol reservoir 
 at that." 
 
 " Then why the deuce don't you do 
 something to help us ?" pleaded Hamlet. 
 
 " How can I do any more than I have 
 done ? I've offered you the Gehenna" 
 retorted Charon. 
 
 " But on what terms ?" expostulated 
 Raleigh. " If we had all the wealth of 
 the Indies we'd have difficulty in paying 
 you the sums you demand." 
 
 " But I am only president of the com 
 pany," explained Charon. "I'd like, as 
 president, to show you some courtesy, and 
 I'm perfectly willing to do so ; but when 
 it comes down to giving you a vessel like 
 that, I'm bound by my official oath to 
 consider the interest of the stockholders.
 
 ' YOU ARK TERY MDCH MISTAKEN, SIR WALTER ' "
 
 THE "GEHENNA" is CHARTERED 109 
 
 It isn't as it used to be when I had boats 
 to hire in my own behalf alone. In those 
 days I had nobody's interest but my own 
 to look after. Now the ships all belong 
 to the Styx Navigation Company. Can't 
 you see the difference ?" 
 
 " You own all the stock, don't yon ?" 
 insisted Raleigh. 
 
 " I don't know," Charon answered, 
 blandly. "I haven't seen the transfer- 
 books lately." 
 
 " But you know that you did own every 
 share of it, and that you haven't sold any, 
 don't you ?" put in Hamlet. 
 
 Charon was puzzled for a moment, but 
 shortly his face cleared, and Sir Walter's 
 heart sank, for it was evident that the old 
 fellow could not be cornered. 
 
 "Well, it's this way, Sir Walter, and 
 your Highness," he said, " I I can't say 
 whether any of that stock has been trans 
 ferred or not. The fact is, I've been spec 
 ulating a little on margin, and I've put up 
 that stock as security, and, for all I know, 
 I may have been sold out by my brokers.
 
 110 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 I've been so upset by this unfortunate oc 
 currence that I haven't seen the market 
 reports for two days. Eeally you'll have 
 to be content with my offer or go with 
 out the Gehenna. There's too much sus 
 picion attached to high corporate officials 
 lately for me to yield a jot in the position 
 I have taken. It would never do to get 
 you all ready to start, and then have an 
 injunction clapped on you by some un 
 foreseen stockholder who was not satisfied 
 with the terms offered you ; nor can I 
 ever let it be said of me that to retain my 
 position as janitor of your organization I 
 sacrificed a trust committed to my charge. 
 I'll gladly lend you my private launch, 
 though I don't think it will aid you much, 
 because the naphtha- tank has exploded, 
 and the screw slipped off and went to the 
 bottom two weeks ago. Still, it is at your 
 service, and I've no doubt that either 
 Phidias or Benvenuto Cellini will carve 
 out a paddle for you if you ask him to/' 
 "Bah !" retorted Raleigh. "You might 
 as well offer us a pair of skates."
 
 THE " GEHENNA IS CHARTERED HI 
 
 "I would, if I thought the river 'd 
 freeze/' retorted Charon, blandly. 
 
 Raleigh and Hamlet turned away impa 
 tiently and left Charon to his own de 
 vices, which for the time being consisted 
 largely of winking his other eye quietly 
 and outwardly making a great show of 
 grief. 
 
 " He's too canny for us, I am afraid," 
 said Sir Walter. " We'll have to pay him 
 his money." 
 
 " Let us first consult Sherlock Holmes," 
 suggested Hamlet, and this they proceed 
 ed at once to do. 
 
 " There is but one thing to be done," 
 observed the astute detective after he had 
 heard Sir Walter's statement of the case. 
 " It is an old saying that one should fight 
 fire with fire. We must meet modern 
 business methods with modern commer 
 cial ideas. Charter his vessel at his own 
 price." 
 
 " But we'd never be able to pay," said 
 Hamlet. 
 
 "Ha-ha!" laughed Holmes. "It is
 
 112 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 evident that you know nothing of the 
 laws of trade nowadays. Don't pay I" 
 
 "But how can we ?" asked Raleigh. 
 
 " The method is simple. You haven't 
 anything to pay with," returned Holmes. 
 " Let him sue. Suppose he gets a verdict. 
 You haven't anything he can attach if 
 you have, make it over to your wives or 
 your fiancees." 
 
 " Is that honest ?" asked Hamlet, shak 
 ing his head doubtfully. 
 
 " It's business," said Holmes. 
 
 "But suppose he wants an advance 
 payment ?" queried Hamlet. 
 
 " Give him a check drawn to his own 
 order. He'll have to endorse it when he 
 deposits it, and that will make him re 
 sponsible," laughed Holmes. 
 
 " What a simple thing when you under 
 stand it !" commented Raleigh. 
 
 "Very," said Holmes. "Business is 
 getting by slow degrees to be an exact 
 science. It reminds me of the Brighton 
 mystery, in which I played a modest part 
 some ten years ago, when I first took up
 
 THE "GEHENNA" is CHARTERED us 
 
 ferreting as a profession. I was sitting 
 one night in my room at one of the Brigh 
 ton hotels, which shall be nameless. I 
 never give the name of any of the hotels 
 at which I stop, because it might give of 
 fence to the proprietors of other hotels, 
 with the result that my books would be 
 excluded from sale therein. Suffice it to 
 say that I was spending an early summer 
 Sunday at Brighton with my friend Wat 
 son. We had dined well, and were enjoy 
 ing our evening smoke together upon a 
 small balcony overlooking the water, when 
 there came a timid knock on the door of 
 my room. 
 
 "' Watson/ said I, 'here comes some 
 one for advice. Do you wish to wager a 
 small bottle upon it ?' 
 
 " ' Yes/ he answered, with a smile. ' I 
 am thirsty and I'd like a small bottle; and 
 while I do not expect to win, I'll take the 
 bet. I should like to know, though, how 
 you know/ 
 
 " l It is quite simple/ said I. ' The 
 timidity of the knock shows that my vis-
 
 114 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 itor is one of two classes of persons an 
 autograph-hunter or a client, one of the 
 two. You see 1 give you a chance to win. 
 It may be an autograph - hunter, but I 
 think it is a client. If it were a creditor, 
 he would knock boldly, even ostentatious 
 ly ; if it were the maid, she would not 
 knock at all ; if it were the hall-boy, he 
 would not come until I had rung five 
 times for him. None of these things has 
 occurred ; the knock is the half-hearted 
 knock which betokens either that the 
 person who knocked is in trouble, or is 
 uncertain as to his reception. I am will 
 ing, however, considering the heat and 
 my desire to quench my thirst, to wager 
 that it is a client/ 
 
 " ( Done/ said Watson ; and I immedi 
 ately remarked, 'Come in.' 
 
 " The door opened, and a man of about 
 thirty-five years of age, in a bathing-suit, 
 entered the room, and I saw at a glance 
 what had happened. 
 
 " ' Your name is Burgess/ I said. 
 *You came here from London this morn-
 
 THE "GEHENNA is CHARTERED 115 
 
 ing, expecting to return to-night. You 
 brought no luggage with you. After 
 luncheon you went in bathing. You had 
 machine No. 35, and when you came out 
 of the water you found that No. 35 had 
 disappeared, with your clothes and the 
 silver watch your uncle gave you on the 
 day you succeeded to his business.' 
 
 " Of course, gentlemen," observed the 
 detective, with a smile at Sir Walter and 
 Hamlet "of course the man fairly 
 gasped, and I continued : ( You have 
 been lying face downward in the sand 
 ever since, waiting for nightfall, so that 
 you could come to me for assistance, not 
 considering it good form to make an af 
 ternoon call upon a stranger at his hotel, 
 clad in a bathing-suit. Am I correct ?' 
 
 " ' Sir/ he replied, with a look of won 
 der, 'you have narrated my story exactly 
 as it happened, and I find I have made 
 .no mistake in coming to you. Would you 
 mind telling me what is your course of 
 reasoning ?' 
 
 '"It is plain as day/ said I. 'I am
 
 116 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 the person with the red beard with whom 
 you came down third class from Lon 
 don this morning, and you told me your 
 name was Burgess and that you were a 
 butcher. When you looked to see the 
 time, I remarked upon the oddness of 
 your watch, which led to your telling me 
 that it was the gift of your uncle/ 
 
 " ' True/ said Burgess, ' but I did not 
 tell you I had no luggage/ 
 
 " ' No/ said I, ' but that you hadn't is 
 plain ; for if you had brought any other 
 clothing besides that you had on with 
 you, you would have put it on to come 
 here. That you have been robbed I de 
 duce also from your costume.' 
 
 " ( But the number of the machine ?' 
 asked Watson. 
 
 "'Is on the tag on the key hanging 
 about his neck/ said I. 
 
 " ' One more question/ queried Bur 
 gess. 'How do you know I have been 
 lying face downward on the beach ever 
 since ?' 
 
 " ' By the sand in your eyebrows/ I re-
 
 THE "GEHENNA" is CHARTERED 117 
 
 plied ; and Watson ordered up the small 
 bottle." 
 
 "I fail to see what it was in our 
 conversation, however," observed Ham 
 let, somewhat impatient over the delay 
 caused by the narration of this tale, 
 "that suggested this train of thought to 
 you." 
 
 "The sequel will show," returned 
 Holmes. 
 
 " Oh, Lord !" put in Raleigh. " Can't 
 we put off the sequel until a later issue ? 
 Kemember, Mr. Holmes, that we are con 
 stantly losing time." 
 
 " The sequel is brief, and I can narrate 
 it on our way to the office of the Naviga 
 tion Company," observed the detective. 
 " When the bottle came I invited Mr. 
 Burgess to join us, which he did, and as 
 the hour was late when we came to sepa 
 rate, I offered him the use of my parlor 
 overnight. This he accepted, and we re 
 tired. 
 
 " The next morning when I arose to 
 dress, the mystery was cleared."
 
 118 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 "You had dreamed its solution ?" 
 asked Ealeigh. 
 
 " No," replied Holmes. " Burgess had 
 disappeared with all my clothing, my 
 false-beard, my suit-case, and my watch. 
 The only thing he had left me was the 
 bathing-suit and a few empty small bot 
 tles/' 
 
 "And why, may I ask, "put in Hamlet, 
 as they drew near to Charon's office 
 " why does that case remind you of busi 
 ness as it is conducted to-day ?" 
 
 ' ' In this, that it is a good thing to stay 
 out of unless you know it all," explained 
 Holmes. "I omitted in the case of Bur 
 gess to observe one thing about him. 
 Had I observed that his nose was rectilin 
 ear, incurved, and with a lifted base, and 
 that his auricular temporal angle was be 
 tween 96 and 97 degrees, I should have 
 known at once that he was an impostor. 
 Vide Ottolenghui on 'Ears and Noses I 
 Have Met/ pp. 631-640." 
 
 " Do you mean to say that you can tell 
 a criminal by his ears ?" demanded Hamlet.
 
 " IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT SHYLOCK HAD STOLEN UP THE 
 GANG-PLANK "
 
 THE "GEHENNA is CHARTERED 119 
 
 "If he has any yes; but I did not 
 know that at the time of the Brighton 
 mystery. Therefore I should have stayed 
 out of the case. But here we are. Good- 
 morning, Charon." 
 
 By this time the trio had entered the 
 private office of the president of the Styx 
 Navigation Company, and in a few mo 
 ments the vessel was chartered at a fabu 
 lous price. 
 
 On the return to the wharf, Sir Walter 
 somewhat nervously asked Holmes if he 
 thought the plan they had settled upon 
 would work. 
 
 " Charon is a very shrewd old fellow/* 
 said he. " He may outwit us yet." 
 
 " The chances are just two and one- 
 eighth degrees in your favor," observed 
 Holmes, quietly, with a glance at Ba- 
 leigh's ears. "The temporal angle of 
 your ears is 93 degrees, whereas Charon's 
 stand out at 91, by my otometer. To that 
 extent your criminal instincts are supe 
 rior to his. If criminology is an exact 
 science, reasoning by your respective ears,
 
 120 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 you ought to beat him out by a percepti 
 ble though possibly narrow margin. " 
 
 With which assurance Ealeigh went 
 ahead with his preparations, and within 
 twelve hours the Gehenna was under way, 
 carrying a full complement of crew and 
 officers, with every state-room on board 
 occupied by some spirit of the more illus 
 trious kind. 
 
 Even Shylock was on board, though no 
 one knew it, for in the dead of night he 
 had stolen quietly up the gang-plank and 
 had hidden himself in an empty water- 
 cask in the forecastle. 
 
 "'Tisn't Venice," he said, as he sat 
 down and breathed heavily through the 
 bung of the barrel, "but it's musty and 
 damp enough, and, considering the cost, 
 I can't complain. You can't get some 
 thing for nothing, even in Hades."
 
 vm 
 
 ON BOARD THE 
 
 WHEN the Gehenna had passed down 
 the Styx and out through the beautiful 
 Cimmerian Harbor into the broad waters 
 of the ocean, and everything was com 
 paratively safe for a while at least, Sher 
 lock Holmes came down from the bridge, 
 where he had taken his place as the com 
 mander of the expedition at the moment 
 of departure. His brow was furrowed 
 with anxiety, and through his massive 
 forehead his brain could be seen to be 
 throbbing violently, and the corrugations 
 of his gray matter were not pleasant to 
 witness as he tried vainly to squeeze an 
 idea out of them. 
 
 "What is the matter ?" asked Demos 
 thenes, anxiously. "We are not in any 
 danger, are we ?"
 
 122 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 "No," replied Holmes. "But I am 
 somewhat puzzled at the bubbles on the 
 surface of the ocean, and the ripples which 
 we passed over an hour or two ago, barely 
 perceptible through the most powerful 
 microscope, indicate to my mind that for 
 some reason at present unknown to me 
 the House-boat has changed her course. 
 Take that bubble floating by. It is the 
 last expiring bit of aerial agitation of the 
 House-boat's wake. Observe whence it 
 comes. Not from the Azores quarter, but 
 as if instead of steering a straight course 
 thither the House-boat had taken a sharp 
 turn to the northeast, and was making for 
 Havre ; or, in other words, Paris instead 
 of London seems to have become their 
 destination." 
 
 Demosthenes looked at Holmes with 
 blank amazement, and, to keep from 
 stammering out the exclamation of 
 wonder that rose to his lips, he opened 
 his lonbonni&re and swallowed a peb 
 ble. 
 
 " You don't happen to have a cocaine
 
 ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA 123 
 
 tablet in your box, do you ?" queried 
 Holmes. 
 
 "No/' returned the Greek. "Cocaine 
 makes me flighty and nervous, but these 
 pebbles sort of ballast me and hold me 
 down. How on earth do you know that 
 that bubble comes from the wake of the 
 House-boat ?" 
 
 ''By my chemical knowledge, merely," 
 replied Holmes. "A merely worldly vessel 
 leaves a phosphorescent bubble in its wake. 
 That one we have just discovered is not 
 so, but sulphurescent, if I may coin a word 
 which it seems to me the English lan 
 guage is very much in need of. It proves, 
 then, that the bubble is a portion of the 
 wake of a Stygian craft, and the only 
 Stygian craft that has cleared the Cim 
 merian Harbor for years is the House 
 boat Q. E. D." 
 
 " We can go back until we find the rip 
 ple again, and follow that, I presume," 
 sneered Le Coq, who did not take much 
 stock in the theories of his great rival, 
 largely because he was a detective by in-
 
 124 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 tuition rather than by study of the sci 
 ence. 
 
 "You can if you want to, but it is bet 
 ter not to," rejoined Holmes, simply, as 
 though not observing the sneer, " because 
 the ripple represents the outer lines of 
 the angle of disturbance in the water ; 
 and as any one of the sides to an angle is 
 greater than the perpendicular from the 
 hypothenuse to the apex, you'd merely be 
 going the long way. This is especially 
 important when you consider the forma 
 tion of the bow of the House-boat, which 
 is rounded like the stern of most vessels, 
 and comes near to making a pair of rip 
 ples at an angle of ninety degrees." 
 
 "Then," observed Sir Walter, with a 
 sigh of disappointment, "we must change 
 our course and sail for Paris ?" 
 
 "I am afraid so," said Holmes; "but 
 of course it's by no means certain as yet. 
 I think if Columbus would go up into the 
 mizzentop and look about him, he might 
 discover something either in confirmation 
 or refutation of the theory."
 
 ON BOARD THE " GEHENNA 125 
 
 "He couldn't discover anything/' put 
 in Pinzon. " He never did." 
 
 "Well, Hike that !" retorted Columbus. 
 " I'd like to know who discovered Amer 
 ica." 
 
 " So should I/' observed Leif Ericson, 
 with a wink at Vespucci. 
 
 "Tut!" retorted Columbus. "I did 
 it, and the world knows it, whether you 
 claim it or not." 
 
 "Yes, just as Noah discovered Ararat," 
 replied Pinzon. "You sat upon the deck 
 until we ran plumb into an island, after 
 floating about for three months, and then 
 you couldn't tell it from a continent, even 
 when you had it right before your eyes. 
 Noah might just as well have told his 
 family that he discovered a roof garden 
 as for you to go back to Spain telling 'em 
 all that San Salvador was the United 
 States." 
 
 "Well, I don't care," said Columbus, 
 with a short laugh. "I'm the one they 
 celebrate, so what's the odds ? I'd rather 
 stay down here in the smoking-room en-
 
 126 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 joying a small game, anyhow, than climb 
 up that mast and strain my eyes for ten 
 or a dozen hours looking for evidence to 
 prove or disprove the correctness of an 
 other man's theory. I wouldn't know 
 evidence when I saw it, anyhow. Send 
 Judge Blackstone." 
 
 "I draw the line at the mizzentop," 
 observed Blackstone. " The dignity of 
 the bench must and shall be preserved, 
 and I'll never consent to climb up that 
 rigging, getting pitch and paint on my 
 ermine, no matter who asks me to go." 
 
 "Whomsoever I tell to go, shall go," 
 put in Holmes, firmly. "I am com 
 mander of this ship. It will pay you to 
 remember that, Judge Blackstone." 
 
 " And I am the Court of Appeals," re 
 torted Blackstone, hotly. " Bear that in 
 mind, captain, when you try to send me 
 up. I'll issue a writ of habeas corpus on 
 my own body, and commit you for con 
 tempt." 
 
 " There's no use of sending the Judge, 
 anyhow," said Ealeigh, fearing by the
 
 JUDGE BLACKSTONE REFUSES TO CLIMB TO THE MIZZENTOP
 
 ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA" 127 
 
 glitter that came into the eye of the com 
 mander that trouble might ensue unless 
 pacificatory measures were resorted to. 
 " He's accustomed to weighing everything 
 carefully, and cannot be rushed into a de 
 cision. If he saw any evidence, he'd have 
 to sit on it a week before reaching a con 
 clusion. What we need here more than 
 anything else is an expert seaman, a 
 lookout, and I nominate Shem. He has 
 sailed under his father, and I have it on 
 good authority that he is a nautical ex 
 pert." 
 
 Holmes hesitated for an instant. He 
 was considering the necessity of disciplin 
 ing the recalcitrant Blackstone, but he 
 finally yielded. 
 
 "Very well/' he said. "Shem be it. 
 Bo'sun, pipe Shem on deck, and tell him 
 that general order number one requires 
 him to report at the mizzentop right 
 away, and that immediately he sees any 
 thing he shall come below and make it 
 known to me. As for the rest of us, hay 
 ing a very considerable appetite, I do now
 
 128 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 decree that it is dinner-time. Shall we 
 go below ?" 
 
 " I don't think I care for any, thank 
 you/' said Raleigh. "Fact is ah I 
 dined last week, and am not hungry." 
 
 Noah laughed. " Oh, come below and 
 watch us eat, then/' he said. " It '11 do 
 you good." 
 
 But there was no reply. Raleigh had 
 plunged head first into his state-room, 
 which fortunately happened to be on the 
 upper deck. The rest of the spirits re 
 paired below to the saloon, where they 
 were soon engaged in an animated discus 
 sion of such viands as the larder provided. 
 
 "This," said Dr. Johnson, from the 
 head of the table, " is what I call comfort. 
 I don't know that I am so anxious to re 
 cover the House-boat, after all." 
 
 "Nor I," said Socrates, "with a ship 
 like this to go off cruising on, and with 
 such a larder. Look at the thickness of 
 that puree, Doctor " 
 
 "Excuse me," said Boswell, faintly, 
 "but I I've left my note-bub-book up-
 
 SHEM IN THE LOOKOUT
 
 ON BOARD THE " GEHENNA " 129 
 
 stairs, Doctor, and I'd like to go up and 
 get it." 
 
 "Certainly," said Dr. Johnson. "I 
 judge from your color, which is highly 
 suggestive of a modern magazine poster, 
 that it might be well too if you stayed on 
 deck for a little while and made a few en 
 tries in your commonplace book." 
 
 " Thank you," said Boswell, gratefully. 
 "Shall you say anything clever during 
 dinner, sir ? If so, I might be putting it 
 down while I'm up " 
 
 " Get out !" roared the Doctor. " Get 
 up as high as you can get up with Shem 
 on the mizzentop '' 
 
 " Very good, sir," replied Boswell, and 
 he was off. 
 
 "Yon. ought to be more lenient with 
 him, Doctor," said Bonaparte ; "he means 
 well." 
 
 "I know it," observed Johnson; "but 
 he's so very previous. Last winter, at 
 Chaucer's dinner to Burns, I made a 
 speech, which Boswell printed a week be 
 fore it was delivered, with the words 
 
 9
 
 130 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 ' laughter ' and ' uproarious applause ' in 
 terspersed through it. It placed me in a 
 false position." 
 
 " How did he know what you were go 
 ing to say ?" queried Demosthenes. 
 
 "Don't know," replied Johnson. "Kind 
 of mind-reader, I fancy/' he added, blush 
 ing a trifle. " But, Captain Holmes, what 
 do you deduce from your observation of 
 the wake of the House-boat ? If she's 
 going to Paris, why the change ?" 
 
 " I have two theories," replied the de 
 tective. 
 
 "Which is always safe," said Le Coq. 
 
 "Always; it doubles your chances of 
 success," acquiesced Holmes. " Anyhow, 
 it gives you a choice, which makes it more 
 interesting. The change of her course 
 from Londonward to Parisward proves to 
 me either that Kidd is not satisfied with 
 the extent of the revenge he has already 
 taken, and wishes to ruin you gentlemen 
 financially by turning your wives, daugh 
 ters, and sisters loose on the Parisian 
 shops, or that the pirates have them-
 
 ON BOARD THE " GEHENNA ' 131 
 
 selves been overthrown by the ladies, 
 who have decided to prolong their cruise 
 and get some fun out of their misfort 
 une." 
 
 "And where else than to Paris would 
 any one in search of pleasure go ?" asked 
 Bonaparte. 
 
 "I had more fun a few miles outside 
 of Brussels/' said Wellington, with a sly 
 wink at Washington. 
 
 " Oh, let up on that !" retorted Bona 
 parte. " It wasn't you beat me at Water 
 loo. You couldn't have beaten me at a 
 plain ordinary game of old-maid with a 
 stacked pack of cards, much less in the 
 game of war, if you hadn't had the ele 
 ments with you." 
 
 " Tut !" snapped Wellington. "It was 
 clear science laid you out, Boney." 
 
 " Taisey-voo I" shouted the irate Cor- 
 sican. " Clear science be hanged ! Wet 
 science was what did it. If it hadn't been 
 for the rain, my little Duke, I should 
 have been in London within a week, my 
 grenadiers would have been camping in
 
 132 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 your Hue Peekadeely, and the Old Guard 
 all over everywhere else." 
 
 " You must have had a gay army, then/' 
 laughed Caesar. " "What are French sol 
 diers made of, that they can't stand the 
 wet unshrunk linen or flannel ?" 
 
 " Bah !" observed Napoleon, shrugging 
 his shoulders and walking a few paces away. 
 "You do not understand the French. 
 The Frenchman is not a pell-mell soldier 
 like you Komans ; he is the poet of arms ; 
 he does not go in for glory at the expense 
 of his dignity ; style, form, is dearer to 
 him than honor, and he has no use for 
 fighting in the wet and coming out of the 
 fight conspicuous as a victor with the curl 
 out of his feathers and his epaulets rusted 
 with the damp. There is no glory in water. 
 But if we had had umbrellas and mackin 
 toshes, as every Englishman who comes to 
 the Continent always has, and a bath-tub for 
 everybody, then would your "Waterloo have 
 been different again, and the great democ 
 racy of Europe with a Bonaparte for em 
 peror would have been founded for what
 
 ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA 133 
 
 the Americans call the keeps ; and as for 
 your little Great Britain, ha ! she would 
 have become the Blackwell's Island of the 
 Greater France." 
 
 " You're almost as funny as Punch 
 isn't/' drawled Wellington, with an angry 
 gesture at Bonaparte. " You weren't 
 within telephoning distance of victory all 
 day. We simply played with you, my boy. 
 It was a regular game of golf for us. We 
 let you keep up pretty close and win a few 
 holes, but on the home drive we had you 
 beaten in one stroke. Go to, my dear Bo 
 naparte, and stop talking about the flood." 
 
 "It's a lucky thing for us that Noah 
 wasn't a Frenchman, eh ?" said Frederick 
 the Great. " How that rain would have 
 fazed him if he had been ! The human 
 race would have been wiped out." 
 
 " Oh, pshaw !" ejaculated Noah, depre 
 cating the unseemliness of the quarrel, 
 and putting his arm affectionately about 
 Bonaparte's shoulder. " When you come 
 down to that, I was French as French as 
 one could be in those days and these
 
 134 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 Gallic subjects of my friend here were, 
 every one of 'em, my lineal descendants, 
 and their hatred of rain was inherited di 
 rectly from me, their ancestor." 
 
 " Are not we English as much your 
 descendants ?" queried Wellington, arch 
 ing his eyebrows. 
 
 "You are," said Noah, "but you take 
 after Mrs. Noah more than after me. 
 Water never fazes a woman, and your de 
 light in tubs is an essentially feminine 
 trait. The first thing Mrs. Noah carried 
 aboard was a laundry outfit, and then she 
 went back for rugs and coats and all sorts 
 of hand-baggage. Gad, it makes me laugh 
 to this day when I think of it ! She looked 
 for all the world like an Englishman 
 travelling on the Continent as she walked 
 up the gang-plank behind the elephants, 
 each elephant with a Gladstone bag in his 
 trunk and a hat-box tied to his tail." Here 
 the venerable old weather-prophet winked 
 at Munchausen, and the little quarrel 
 which had been imminent passed off in a 
 general laugh.
 
 ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA 135 
 
 "Where's Boswell ? He ought to get 
 that anecdote," said Johnson. 
 
 "I've locked him up in the library," 
 said Holmes. " He's in charge of the log, 
 and as I have a pretty good general idea 
 as to what is about to happen, I have 
 mapped out a skeleton of the plot and set 
 him to work writing it up." Here the 
 detective gave a sudden start, placed his 
 hand to his ear, listened intently for an 
 instant, and, taking out his watch and 
 glancing at it, added, quietly, " In three 
 minutes Shem will be in here to announce 
 a discovery, and one of great importance, 
 I judge, from the squeak." 
 
 The assemblage gazed earnestly at 
 Holmes for a moment. 
 
 " The squeak ?" queried Raleigh. 
 
 "Precisely," said Holmes. " The squeak 
 is what I said, and as I always say what I 
 mean, it follows logically that I meant 
 what I said." 
 
 "I heard no squeak," observed Dr. 
 Johnson ; "and, furthermore, I fail to see 
 how a squeak, if I had heard it, would
 
 136 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 have portended a discovery of impor 
 tance." 
 
 "It would not to yon/' said Holmes ; 
 " bnt with me it is different. My hearing 
 is nnnsnally acute. I can hear the drop 
 ping of a pin through a stone wall ten feet 
 thick; any sound within a mile of my ear 
 drum vibrates thereon with an intensity 
 which would surprise you, and it is by 
 the use of cocaine that I have acquired 
 this wonderfully acute sense, A property 
 which dulls the senses of most people 
 renders mine doubly apprehensive ; there 
 fore, gentlemen, while to you there was no 
 auricular disturbance, to me there was. I 
 heard Shem sliding down the mast a min 
 ute since. The fact that he slid down the 
 mast instead of climbing down the rigging 
 showed that he was in great haste, there 
 fore he must have something to communi 
 cate of great importance." 
 
 " Why isn't he here already, then ? It 
 wouldn't take him two minutes to get 
 from the deck here," asked the ever-sus 
 picious Le Coq.
 
 ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA 13Y 
 
 "It is simple, " returned Holmes, calmly. 
 <e If you will go yourself and slide down 
 that mast you will see. Shem has stopped 
 for a little witch-hazel to soothe his burns. 
 It is no cool matter sliding down a mast 
 two hundred feet in height." 
 
 As Sherlock Holmes spoke the door 
 burst open and Shem rushed in. 
 
 "A signal of distress, captain !" he cried. 
 
 "From what quarter to larboard?" 
 asked Holmes. 
 
 " No," returned Shem, breathless. 
 
 "Then it must be dead ahead," said 
 Holmes. 
 
 "Why not to starboard ?" asked Le Coq, 
 dryly. 
 
 "Because," answered Holmes, confi 
 dently, "it never happens so. If you had 
 ever read a truly exciting sea -tale, my 
 dear Le Coq, yon would have known that 
 interesting things, and particularly signals 
 of distress, are never seen except to lar 
 board or dead ahead." 
 
 A murmur of applause greeted this re 
 tort, and Le Ooq subsided.
 
 138 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 "The nature of the signal ?" demanded 
 Holmes. 
 
 "A black flag, sknll and cross-bones 
 down, at half-mast !" cried Shem, " and 
 on a rock-bound coast I" 
 
 " They're marooned, by heavens !" 
 shouted Holmes, springing to his feet 
 and rushing to the deck, where he waa 
 joined immediately by Sir Walter, Dr. 
 Johnson, Bonaparte, and the others. 
 
 " Isn't he a daisy ?" whispered Demos 
 thenes to Diogenes as they climbed the 
 stairs. 
 
 "He is more than that; he's a bloom 
 ing orchid," said Diogenes, with intense 
 enthusiasm. "I think I'll get my X-ray 
 lantern and see if he's honest."
 
 IX 
 
 CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN" OBSTACLE 
 
 "EXCUSE me, your Majesty," remarked 
 Helen of Troy as Cleopatra accorded per 
 mission to Captain Kidd to speak, " I have 
 not been introduced to this gentleman nor 
 has he been presented to me, and I really 
 cannot consent to any proceeding so irreg 
 ular as this. I do not speak to gentlemen 
 I have not met, nor do I permit them to 
 address me/' 
 
 " Hear, hear !" cried Xanthippe. " I 
 quite agree with the principle of my yonng 
 friend from Troy. It may be that when 
 we claimed for ourselves all the rights of 
 men that the right to speak and be spoken 
 to by other men without an introduction 
 was included in the list, but I for one 
 have no desire to avail myself of the privi-
 
 140 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 lege, especially when it's a horrid-look 
 ing man like this." 
 
 Kidd bowed politely, and smiled so ter 
 ribly that several of the ladies fainted. 
 
 "I will withdraw," he said, turning to 
 Cleopatra ; and it must be said that his 
 suggestion was prompted by his heartfelt 
 wish, for now that he found himself thus 
 conspicuously brought before so many 
 women, with falsehood on his lips, his 
 courage began to ooze. 
 
 " Not yet, please," answered the chair- 
 lady. " I imagine we can get about this 
 difficulty without much trouble." 
 
 "I think it a perfectly proper objection 
 too," observed Delilah, rising. "If we 
 ever needed etiquette we need it now. 
 But I have a plan which will obviate any 
 further difficulty. If there is no one 
 among us who is sufficiently well acquaint 
 ed with the gentleman to present him 
 formally to us, I will for the time being 
 take upon myself the office of ship's bar 
 ber and cut his hair. I understand that 
 it is quite the proper thing for barbers to
 
 CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE 141 
 
 * 
 
 talk, while cutting their hair, to persons 
 to whom they have not been introduced. 
 And, besides, he really needs a hair-cut 
 badly. Thus I shall establish an acquaint 
 ance with the captain, after which I can 
 with propriety introduce him to the rest 
 of you." 
 
 " Perhaps the gentleman himself might 
 object to that/' put in Queen Elizabeth. 
 " If I remember rightly, your last custom 
 er was very much dissatisfied with the trim 
 you gave him/' 
 
 " It will be unnecessary to do what 
 Delilah proposes," said Mrs. Noah, with 
 a kindly smile, as she rose up from the 
 corner in which she had been sitting, an 
 interested listener. " I can introduce the 
 gentleman to you all with perfect pro 
 priety. He's a member of my family. 
 His grandfather was the great-grandson 
 a thousand and eight times removed of 
 my son Shem's great-grandnephew on his 
 father's side. His relationship to me is 
 therefore obvious, though from what I 
 know of his reputation I think he takes
 
 142 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 more after my husband's ancestors than 
 my own. Willie, dear, these ladies are 
 friends of mine. Ladies, this young man 
 is one of my most famous descendants. 
 He has been a man of many adventures, 
 and he has been hanged once, which, far 
 from making him undesirable as an ac 
 quaintance, has served merely to render 
 him harmless, and therefore a safe person 
 to know. Now, my son, go ahead and 
 speak your piece." 
 
 The good old spirit sat down, and the 
 scruples of the objectors having thus been 
 satisfied, Captain Kidd began. 
 
 " Now that I know you all," he re 
 marked, as pleasantly as he could under 
 the circumstances, " I feel that I can 
 speak more freely, and certainly with a 
 great deal less embarrassment than if I 
 were addressing a gathering of entire 
 strangers. I am not much of a hand at 
 speaking, and have always felt somewhat 
 nonplussed at finding myself in a position 
 of this nature. In my whole career I 
 never experienced but one irresistible
 
 CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE 143 
 
 * 
 
 impulse to make a public address of any 
 length, and that was upon that unhappy 
 occasion to which the greatest and grand 
 est of my great-grandmothers has alluded, 
 and that only as the chain by which I was 
 suspended in mid-air tightened about my 
 vocal chords. At that moment I could 
 have talked impromptu for a year, so fast 
 and numerously did thoughts of the utter 
 most import surge upward into my brain ; 
 but circumstances over which I had no 
 control prevented the utterance of those 
 thoughts, and that speech is therefore lost 
 to the world." 
 
 "He has the gift of continuity," ob 
 served Madame Kecamier. 
 
 "Ought to be in the United States 
 Senate/' smiled Elizabeth. 
 
 " I wish I could make up my mind as 
 to whether he is outrageously handsome 
 or desperately ugly," remarked Helen of 
 Troy. " He fascinates me, but whether 
 it is the fascination of liking or of horror 
 I can't tell, and it's quite important." 
 
 " Ladies," resumed the captain, his un-
 
 144 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 easiness increasing as he came to the 
 point, "I am but the agent of your re 
 spective husbands, fiances, and other mas 
 culine guardians. The gentlemen who were 
 previously the tenants of this club-house 
 have delegated to me the important, and 
 I may add highly agreeable, task of show 
 ing you the world. They have noted of 
 late years the growth of that feeling of 
 unrest which is becoming every day more 
 and more conspicuous in feminine circles 
 in all parts of the universe on the earth, 
 where women are clamoring to vote, and 
 to be allowed to go out late at night with 
 out an escort ; in Hades, where, as you 
 are no doubt aware, the management of 
 the government has fallen almost wholly 
 into the hands of the Furies ; and even in 
 the halls of Jupiter himself, where, I am 
 credibly informed, Juno has been taking 
 private lessons in the art of hurling 
 thunderbolts information which the ex 
 traordinary quality of recent electrical 
 storms on the earth would seem to con 
 firm. Thunderbolts of late years have
 
 CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE 145 
 
 been cast hither and yon in a most erratic 
 fashion, striking where they were least 
 expected, as those of you who keep in 
 touch with the outer world must be fully 
 aware. Now, actuated by their usual 
 broad and liberal motives, the men of 
 Hades wish to meet the views of you 
 ladies to just that extent that your views 
 are based upon a wise selection, in turn 
 based upon experience, and they have 
 come to me and in so many words have 
 said, ' Mr. Kidd, we wish the women of 
 Hades to see the world. We want them 
 to be satisfied. We do not like this con 
 stantly increasing spirit of unrest. We, 
 who have seen all the life that we care 
 to see, do not ourselves feel equal to the 
 task of showing them about. We will 
 pay you liberally if you will take our 
 House-boat, which they have always been 
 anxious to enter, and personally conduct 
 our beloved ones to Paris, London, and 
 elsewhere. Let them see as much of life 
 as they can stand. Accord them every 
 privilege. Spare no expense ; only bring 
 
 10
 
 146 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 them back again to us safe and sound.' 
 These were their words, ladies. I asked 
 them why they didn't come along them 
 selves, saying that even if they were tired 
 of it all, they should make some personal 
 sacrifice to your comfort ; and they answer 
 ed, reasonably and well, that they would 
 be only too glad to do so, but that they 
 feared they might unconsciously seem to 
 exert a repressing influence upon you. 
 'We want them to feel absolutely free, 
 Captain Kidd,' said they, ' and if we are 
 along they may not feel so.' The answer 
 was convincing, ladies, and I accepted the 
 commission." 
 
 "But we knew nothing of all this/' in 
 terposed Elizabeth. "The subject was 
 not broached to us by our husbands, 
 'brothers, fiances, or fathers. My brother, 
 Sir Walter Raleigh" 
 
 Cleopatra chuckled. " Brother ! Broth 
 er's good," she said. 
 
 "Well, that's what he is," retorted 
 Elizabeth, quickly. {i I promised to be a 
 sister to him, and Fm going to keep my
 
 CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE 147 
 
 word. That's the kind of a queen I am. 
 I was about to remark," Elizabeth added, 
 turning to the captain, " that my brother, 
 Sir Walter Raleigh, never even hinted at 
 any such plan, and usually he asked my 
 advice in matters of so great importance." 
 
 " That is easily accounted for, ma- 
 dame," retorted Kidd. " Sir Walter in 
 tended this as a little surprise for you, 
 that is all. The arrangements were all 
 placed in his hands, and it was he who 
 bound us all to secrecy. None of the 
 ladies were to be informed of it." 
 
 "It does not sound altogether plausi 
 ble," interposed Portia. "If you ladies 
 do not object, I should like to cross- 
 examine this ah gentleman." 
 
 Kidd paled visibly. He was not pre 
 pared for any such trial ; however, he put 
 as good a face on the matter as he could, 
 and announced his willingness to answer 
 any questions that he might be asked. 
 
 " Shall we put him under oath?" asked 
 Cleopatra. 
 
 "As you please, ladies," said the pirate.
 
 148 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 *' A pirate's word is as good as his bond; 
 but I'll take an oath if you choose a 
 half-dozen of 'em, if need be." 
 
 " I fancy we can get along without 
 that," said Portia. "Now, Captain Kidd, 
 who first proposed this plan?" 
 
 "Socrates," said Kidd, unblushingly, 
 with a sly glance at Xanthippe. 
 
 " What ?" cried Xanthippe. " My hus 
 band propose anything that would con 
 tribute to my pleasure or intellectual 
 advancement ? Bah ! Your story is 
 transparently false at the outset." 
 
 "Nevertheless," said Kidd, "the 
 scheme was proposed by Socrates. He 
 said a trip of that kind for Xanthippe 
 would be very restful and health-giving." 
 
 " For me ?" cried Xanthippe, scepti 
 cally. 
 
 " No, madame, for him," retorted 
 Kidd. 
 
 "Ah ho-ho! That's the way of it, 
 eh ?" said Xanthippe, flushing to the 
 roots of her hair. " Very likely. You 
 ah you will excuse my doubting your
 
 CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE 149 
 
 word, Captain Kidd, a moment since. I 
 withdraw my remark, and in order to 
 make fullest reparation, I beg to assure 
 these ladies that I am now perfectly con 
 vinced that you are telling the truth. 
 That last observation is just like my hus 
 band, and when I get back home again, 
 if I ever do, well ha, ha ! we'll have a 
 merry time, that's all." 
 
 " And what was ah Bassanio's con 
 nection with this affair ?" added Portia, 
 hesitatingly. 
 
 " He was not informed of it," said 
 Kidd, archly. " I am not acquainted 
 with Bassanio, my lady, but I overheard 
 Sir Walter enjoining upon the others the 
 absolute necessity of keeping the whole 
 affair from Bassanio, because he was afraid 
 he would not consent to it. ' Bassanio 
 has a most beautiful wife, gentlemen,* 
 said Sir Walter, ' and he wouldn't think 
 of parting with her under any circum 
 stances ; therefore let us keep our inten 
 tions a secret from him.' I did not hear 
 whom the gentleman married, madame ;
 
 150 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 but the others, Prince Hamlet, the Duke 
 of Buckingham, and Louis the Four 
 teenth, all agreed that Mrs. Bassanio was 
 too beautiful a person to be separated 
 from, and that it was better, therefore, 
 to keep Bassanio in the dark as to their 
 little enterprise until it was too late for 
 him to interfere." 
 
 A pink glow of pleasure suffused the 
 lovely countenance of the cross-examiner, 
 and it did not require a very sharp eye to 
 see that the wily Kidd had completely 
 won her over to his side. On the other 
 hand, Elizabeth's brow became as corru 
 gated as her run*, and the spirit of the 
 pirate shivered to the core as he turned 
 and gazed upon that glowering face. 
 
 " Sir Walter agreed to that, did he ?" 
 snapped Elizabeth. "And yet he was 
 willing to part with ah his sister." 
 
 "Well, your Majesty," began Kidd, 
 hesitatingly, " you see it was this way : 
 Sir Walter er did say that, but ah 
 he ah but he added that he of course 
 merely judged er this man Bassanio's
 
 CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE 151 
 
 feelings by his own in parting from his 
 sister " 
 
 " Did he say sister ?" cried Elizabeth. 
 
 " Well no not in those words/' shuf 
 fled Kidd, perceiving quickly wherein his 
 error lay, " but ah I jumped at the 
 conclusion, seeing his intense enthusiasm 
 for the lady's beauty and er intellectual 
 qualities, that he referred to you, and it 
 is from yourself that I have gained my 
 knowledge as to the fraternal, not to say 
 sororal, relationship that exists between 
 
 you." 
 
 "That man's a diplomat from Diploma- 
 ville !" muttered Sir Henry Morgan, who, 
 with Abeuchapeta and Conrad, was lis 
 tening at the port without. 
 
 " He is that," said Abeuchapeta, " but 
 he can't last much longer. He's perspir 
 ing like a pitcher of ice-water on a hot 
 day, and a spirit of his size and volatile 
 nature can't stand much of that without 
 evaporating. If you will observe him 
 closely you will see that his left arm al 
 ready has vanished into thin air."
 
 152 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 "By Jove I" whispered Conrad, "that's 
 a fact ! If they don't let up on him he'll 
 vanish. He's getting excessively tenuous 
 about the top of his head." 
 
 All of which was only too true. Sub 
 jected to a scrutiny which he had little 
 expected, the deceitful ambassador of the 
 thieving band was rapidly dissipating, 
 and, as those without had so fearsomely 
 noted, was in imminent danger of com 
 plete sublimation, which, in the case of 
 one possessed of so little elementary pu 
 rity, meant nothing short of annihilation. 
 Fortunately for Kidd, however, his won 
 derful tact had stemmed the tide of sus 
 picion. Elizabeth was satisfied with his 
 explanation, and in the minds of at least 
 three of the most influential ladies on 
 board, Portia, Xanthippe, and Elizabeth, 
 he had become a creature worthy of cred 
 ence, which meant that he had nothing 
 more to fear. 
 
 " I am prepared, your Majesty," said 
 Elizabeth, addressing Cleopatra, " to ac 
 cept from this time on the gentleman's
 
 CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE 153 
 
 word. The little that he has already told 
 us is hall-marked with truth. I should 
 like to ask, however, one more question, 
 and that is how our gentleman friends 
 expected to embark us upon this voyage 
 without letting us into the secret?" 
 
 " Oh, as for that," replied Kidd, with 
 a deep-drawn sigh of relief, for he too had 
 noticed the gradual evaporation of his 
 arm and the incipient etherization of his 
 cranium " as for that, it was simple 
 enough. There was to have been a day 
 set apart for ladies 7 day at the club, and 
 when you were all on board we were 
 quietly to weigh anchor and start. The 
 fact that you had anticipated the day, of 
 your own volition, was telephoned by my 
 scouts to me at my headquarters, and that 
 news was by me transmitted by messenger 
 to Sir Walter at Charon's Glen Island, 
 where the long - talked - of fight between 
 Samson and Goliath was taking place. 
 Raleigh immediately replied, 'Good! Start 
 Mt once. Paris first. Unlimited credit. 
 Love to Elizabeth.' Wherefore, ladies," he
 
 164 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 added, rising from his chair and walk 
 ing to the door " wherefore you are here 
 and in my care. Make yourselves com 
 fortable, and with the aid of the fashion, 
 papers which you have already received 
 prepare yourselves for the joys that await 
 you. With the aid of Madame Kecamier 
 and Baedeker's Paris, which you will find 
 in the library, it will be your own fault 
 if when you arrive there you resemble a 
 great many less fortunate women who 
 don't know what they want." 
 
 With these words Kidd disappeared 
 through the door, and fainted in the arms 
 of Sir Henry Morgan. The strain upon 
 him had been too great. 
 
 "A charming fellow," said Portia, as 
 the pirate disappeared. 
 
 "Most attractive," said Elizabeth. 
 
 " Handsome, too, don't you think ?" 
 asked Helen of Troy. 
 
 " And truthful beyond peradventure," 
 observed Xanthippe, as she reflected upon 
 the words the captain had attributed to 
 Socrates. " I didn't believe him at first,
 
 85 
 
 B t
 
 CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE 155 
 
 but when he told me what my sweet- 
 tempered philosopher had said, I was con 
 vinced." 
 
 " He's a sweet child," interposed Mrs. 
 Noah, fondly. " One of my favorite 
 grandchildren." 
 
 " Which makes it embarrassing for me 
 to say," cried Cassandra, starting up 
 angrily, " that he is a base caitiff !" 
 
 Had a bomb been dropped in the mid 
 dle of the room, it could not have created 
 a greater sensation than the words of Cas 
 sandra. 
 
 " What ?" cried several voices at once. 
 " A caitiff ?" 
 
 "A caitiff with a capital K," retorted 
 Cassandra. " I know that, because while 
 he was telling his story I was listening to 
 it with one ear and looking forward into 
 the middle of next week with the other 
 I mean the other eye and I saw " 
 
 " Yes, you saw ?" cried Cleopatra. 
 
 " I saw that he was deceiving us. Mark 
 my words, ladies, he is a base caitiff," re 
 plied Cassandra "a base caitiff."
 
 156 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 " What did you see ?" cried Elizabeth, 
 excitedly. 
 
 " This," said Cassandra, and she began 
 a narration of future events which I must 
 defer to the next chapter. Meanwhile 
 his associates were endeavoring to restore 
 the evaporated portions of the prostrated 
 Kidd's spirit anatomy by the use of a 
 steam-atomizer, but with indifferent suc 
 cess. Kidd's training had not fitted him 
 for an intellectual combat with superior 
 women, and he suffered accordingly.
 
 A WAKNItfG ACCEPTED 
 
 " IT is with no desire to interrupt my 
 friend Cassandra unnecessarily," said Mrs. 
 Noah, as the prophetess was about to nar 
 rate her story, "that I rise to beg her to 
 remember that, as an ancestress of Cap 
 tain Kidd, I hope she will spare a grand 
 mother's feelings, if anything in the story 
 she is about to tell is improper to be placed 
 before the young. I have been so shocked 
 by the stories of perfidy and baseness gen 
 erally that have been published of late 
 years, that I would interpose a protest 
 while there is yet time if there is a line 
 in Cassandra's story which ought to be 
 withheld from the public ; a protest based 
 upon my affection for posterity, and in the 
 interests of morality every where. "
 
 158 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 "You may rest easy upon that score, 
 my dear Mrs. Noah," said the prophetess. 
 " What I have to say would commend it 
 self, I am sure, even to the ears of a Brit 
 ish matron ; and while it is as complete 
 a demonstration of man's perfidy as ever 
 was, it is none the less as harmless a little 
 tale as the Dottie Dimple books or any 
 other more recent study of New England 
 character." 
 
 " Thank you for the load your words 
 have lifted from my mind," said Mrs. 
 Noah, settling back in her chair, a satis 
 fied expression upon her gentle counte 
 nance. " I hope you will understand why 
 I spoke, and withal why modern literature 
 generally has been so distressful to me. 
 When you reflect that the world is satis 
 fied that most of man's criminal instincts- 
 are the result of heredity, and that Mr. 
 Noah and I are unable to shift the respon 
 sibility for posterity to other shoulders 
 than our own, you will understand my 
 position. We were about the most do 
 mestic old couple that ever lived, and
 
 A WARNING ACCEPTED 159 
 
 when we see the long and varied assort 
 ment of crimes that are cropping out 
 everywhere in our descendants it is pain 
 ful to us to realize what a pair of uncon 
 sciously wicked old fogies we must have 
 been/' 
 
 " We all understand that," said Cleo 
 patra, kindly ; "and we are all prepared 
 to acquit you of any responsibility for tha 
 advanced condition of wickedness to-day. 
 Man has progressed since your time, my 
 dear grandma, and the modern improve 
 ments in the science of crime are no more 
 attributable to you than the invention of 
 the telephone or the oyster cocktail is 
 attributable to your lord and master." 
 
 " Thank you kindly/' murmured the 
 old lady, and she resumed her knitting 
 upon a phantom tam-o'-shanter, which 
 she was making as a Christmas surprise 
 for her husband. 
 
 "When Captain Kidd began his story," 
 said Cassandra, " he made one very bad 
 mistake, and yet one which was prompted 
 by that courtesy which all men instinctive-
 
 160 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 ly adopt when addressing women. When 
 he entered the room he removed his hat, 
 and therein lay his fatal error, if he wish 
 ed to convince me of the truth of his 
 story, for with his hat removed I could 
 see the workings of his mind. While you 
 ladies were watching his lips or his eyes, 
 some of you taking in the gorgeous de 
 tails of his dress, all of you hanging upon 
 his every word, I kept my eye fixed firmly 
 upon his imagination, and I saw, what you 
 did not, that he was drawing wholly upon 
 that!" 
 
 "How extraordinary \" cried Elizabeth. 
 
 "Yes and fortunate," said Cassan 
 dra. " Had I not done so, a week hence 
 we should, every one of us, have been lost 
 in the surging wickedness of the city of 
 Paris." 
 
 "But, Cassandra," said Trilby, who was 
 anxious to return once more to the beau 
 tiful city by the Seine, " he told us we 
 were going to Paris." 
 
 " Of course he did," said Madame Re- 
 camier, "and in so many words. Certain-
 
 HE TOLD US WK WERE GOING TO PARIS 1
 
 A WARNING ACCEPTED 161 
 
 ly he was not drawing upon his imagina 
 tion there." 
 
 "And one might be lost in a very much 
 worse place/' put in Marguerite de Va- 
 lois, "if, indeed, it were possible to lose 
 us in Paris at all. I fancy that I know 
 enough about Paris to find my way about." 
 
 " Humph \" ejaculated Cassandra. 
 " What a foolish little thing you are ! 
 You don't imagine that the Paris of to 
 day is the Paris of your time, or even the 
 Paris of that sweet child Trilby's time, 
 do you ? If you do you are very much 
 mistaken. I almost wish I had not warn 
 ed you of your danger and had let you 
 go, just to see those eyes of yours open 
 with amazement at the change. You'd find 
 your Louvre a very different sort of a place 
 from what it used to be, my dear lady. 
 Those pleasing little windows through 
 which your relations were wont in olden 
 times to indulge in target practice at peo 
 ple who didn't go to their church are now 
 kept closed ; the galleries which used to 
 
 swarm with people, many of whom ought 
 11
 
 162 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 to have been hanged, now swarm with 
 pictures, many of which ought not to have 
 been hung ; the romance which clung 
 about its walls is as much a part of the 
 dead past as yourselves, and were you to 
 materialize suddenly therein you would 
 iind yourselves jostled and hustled and 
 trodden upon by the curious from other 
 lands, with Argus eyes taking in five hun 
 dred pictures a minute, and traversing 
 those halls at a rate of speed at which 
 Mercury himself would stand aghast/' 
 
 " But my beloved Tuileries ?" cried 
 Marie Antoinette. 
 
 ' ' Has been swallowed up by a play 
 ground for the people, my dear," said Cas 
 sandra, gently. " Paris is no place for us, 
 a-nd it is the intention of these men, in 
 whose hands we are, to take us there and 
 then desert us. Can you imagine any 
 thing worse than ourselves, the phantoms 
 of a glorious romantic past, basely desert 
 ed in the streets of a wholly strange, su 
 perficial, material city of to-day ? What 
 do you think, Elizabeth, would be your
 
 A WARNING ACCEPTED 163 
 
 fate if, faint and famished, you begged 
 for sustenance at an English door to-day, 
 and when asked your name and profes 
 sion were to reply, 'Elizabeth, Queen of 
 England'?" 
 
 "Insane asylum," saidElizabeth, shortly. 
 
 " Precisely. So in Paris with the rest 
 of us," said Cassandra. 
 
 " How do you know all this ?" asked 
 Trilby, still unconvinced. 
 
 "I know it just as yon knew how to 
 become a prima donna," said Cassandra. 
 " I am, however, my own Svengali, which 
 is rather preferable to the patent detach 
 able hypnotizer you had. I hypnotize my 
 self, and direct my mind into the future. 
 I was a professional forecaster in the daya 
 of ancient Troy, and if my revelations had 
 been heeded the Priam family would, I 
 doubt not, still be doing business at the 
 old stand, and Mr. ^Eneas would not have 
 grown round-shouldered giving his poor 
 father a picky-back ride on the opening 
 night of the horse -show, so graphically 
 depicted by Virgil."
 
 164 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 "I never heard about that," said Tril 
 by. " It sounds like a very funny story, 
 though." 
 
 " Well, it wasn't so humorous for some 
 as it was for others," said Cassandra, with 
 a sly glance at Helen. " The fact is, un 
 til you mentioned it yourself, it never oc 
 curred to me that there was much fun in 
 any portion of the Trojan incident, ex 
 cepting perhaps the delirium tremens of 
 old Laocoon, who got no more than he 
 deserved for stealing my thunder. I had 
 warned Troy against the Greeks, and they 
 all laughed at me, and said my eye to the 
 future was strabismatic ; that the Greeks 
 couldn't get into Troy at all, even if they 
 wanted to. And then the Greeks made a 
 great wooden horse as a gift for the Tro 
 jans, and when I turned my X-ray gaze 
 upon it I saw that it contained about six 
 brigades of infantry, three artillery regi 
 ments, and sharp-shooters by the score. 
 It was a sort of military Noah's Ark ; but 
 I knew that the prejudice against me was 
 so strong that nobody would believe what
 
 A WARNING ACCEPTED 165 
 
 I told them. So I said nothing. My proph 
 ecies never came true, they said, failing 
 to observe that my warning as to what 
 would be was in itself the cause of their 
 non-fulfilment. But desiring to save Troy, 
 I sent for Laocoon and told him all about 
 it, and he went out and announced it as 
 his own private prophecy ; and then, hav 
 ing tried to drown his conscience in strong 
 waters, he fell a victim to the usual ser 
 pentine hallucination, and everybody said 
 he wasn't sober, and therefore unworthy 
 of belief. The horse was accepted, haul 
 ed into the city, and that night orders 
 came from hindquarters to the regiments 
 concealed inside to march. They march 
 ed, and next morning Troy had been re 
 moved from the map ; ninety per cent, 
 of the Trojans died suddenly, and ^Eneas, 
 grabbing up his family in one hand and 
 his gods in the other, went yachting for 
 several seasons, ultimately settling down 
 in Italy. All of this could have been 
 avoided if the Trojans would have taken 
 the hint from my prophecies. They pre-
 
 166 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 ferred, however, not to do it, with the 
 result that to-day no one but Helen and 
 myself knows even where Troy was, and 
 we'll never tell." 
 
 "It is all true," said Helen, proudly. 
 "I was the woman who was at the bottom 
 of it all, and I can testify that Cassandra 
 always told the truth, which is why she 
 was always so unpopular. When anything 
 that was unpleasant happened, after it was 
 all over she would turn and say, sweetly, 
 'I told you so/ She was the original 'I 
 told you so' nuisance, and of course she 
 had the newspapyruses down on her, be 
 cause she never left them any sensation 
 to spring upon the public. If she had 
 only told a fib once in a while, the public 
 would have had more confidence in her." 
 
 " Thank you for your endorsement," 
 said Cassandra, with a nod at Helen. 
 ' ' With such testimony I cannot see how 
 you can refrain from taking my advice in 
 this matter ; and I tell you, ladies, that 
 this man Kidd has made his story up out 
 of whole cloth ; the men of Hades had no
 
 A WARNING ACCEPTED 167 
 
 more to do with our being here than we 
 had ; they were as much surprised as we 
 are to find us gone. Kidd himself was 
 not aware of our presence, and his object 
 in taking us to Paris is to leave us strand 
 ed there, disembodied spirits, vagrant 
 souls with no familiar haunts to haunt, 
 no place to rest, and nothing before us 
 save perpetual exile in a world that would 
 have no sympathy for us in our misfort 
 une, and no belief in our continued ex 
 istence." 
 
 " But what, then, shall we do ?" cried 
 Ophelia, wringing her hands in despair. 
 
 " It is a terrible problem/' said Cleo 
 patra, anxiously ; " and yet it does seem 
 as if our woman's instinct ought to show 
 us some way out of our trouble." 
 
 " The Committee on Treachery," said 
 Delilah, "has already suggested a chafing- 
 dish party, with Lucretia Borgia in charge 
 of the lobster Newberg." 
 
 " That is true," said Lucretia ; " but I 
 find, in going through my reticule, that 
 my maid, for some reason unknown to me,
 
 168 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 has failed to renew my supply of poisons. 
 I shall discharge her on my return home, 
 for she knows that I never go anywhere 
 without them ; but that does not help 
 matters at this juncture. The sad fact 
 remains that I could prepare a thousand 
 delicacies for these pirates without fatal 
 results." 
 
 "You mean immediately fatal, do you 
 not ?" suggested Xanthippe. " I could my 
 self prepare a cake which would in time 
 reduce our captors to a state of absolute 
 dependence, but of course the effect is not 
 immediate." 
 
 "We might give a musicale, and let 
 Trilby sing ' Ben Bolt ' to them," suggest 
 ed Marguerite de Valois, with a giggle. 
 
 "Don't be flippant, please," said Portia. 
 "We haven't time to waste on flippant 
 suggestions. Perhaps a court-martial of 
 these pirates, supplemented by a yard-arm, 
 wouldn't be a bad thing. I'll prosecute 
 the case." 
 
 " You forget that you are dealing with 
 immortal spirits, " observed Cleopatra. * l If
 
 A WARNING ACCEPTED 169 
 
 these creatures were mortals, hanging them 
 would be all right, and comparatively easy, 
 considering that we outnumber them ten 
 to one, and have many resources for get 
 ting them, more or less, in our power, but 
 they are not. They have gone through 
 the refining process of dissolution once, 
 and there's an end to that. Our only re 
 source is in the line of deception, and if we 
 cannot deceive them, then we have ceased 
 to be women." 
 
 " That is truly said/' observed Eliza 
 beth. " And inasmuch as we have already 
 provided ourselves with a suitable com 
 mittee for the preparation of our plans of 
 a deceptive nature, I move, as the easiest 
 possible solution of the difficulty for the 
 rest of us, that the Committee on Treach 
 ery be requested to go at once into ex 
 ecutive session, with orders not to come 
 out of it until they have suggested a 
 plausible plan of campaign against our 
 abductors. We must be rid of them. Let 
 the Committee on Treachery say how." 
 
 " Second the motion," said Mrs. Noah.
 
 170 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 " You are a very clear - headed young 
 woman, Lizzie, and your grandmother is 
 proud of you." 
 
 The Committee on Treachery were about 
 to protest, but the chair refused to enter 
 tain any debate upon the question, which 
 was put and carried with a storm of ap 
 proval. 
 
 Five minutes later a note was handed 
 through the port, addressed to Cleopatra, 
 which read as follows : 
 
 "DEAR MADAME, Six bells has just struck, 
 and the officers and crew are hungry. Will you 
 and your fair companions co-operate with us in 
 our enterprise by having a hearty dinner ready 
 within two hours ? A speck has appeared on the 
 horizon which betokens a coming storm, else we 
 would prepare our supper ourselves. As it is, 
 we feel that your safety depends on our remain 
 ing on deck. If there is any beer on the ice, w<* 
 prefer it to tea. Two cases will suffice. 
 
 " Yours respectfully, 
 "HENRY MORGAN, Bart. , First Mate.' 
 
 "Hurrah !" cried Cleopatra, as she read 
 this communication. "I have an idea.
 
 A WARNING ACCEPTED 171 
 
 Tell the Committtee on Treachery to ap 
 pear before the full meeting at once." 
 
 The committee was summoned, and 
 Cleopatra announced her plan of opera 
 tion, and it was unanimously adopted ; 
 but what it was we shall have to wait 
 for another chapter to learn.
 
 MAROONED 
 
 WHEN" Captain Holmes arrived npon 
 deck he seized his glass, and, gazing in 
 tently through it for a moment, perceived 
 that the faithful Shem had not deceived 
 him. Flying at half-mast from a rude, 
 roughly hewn pole set upon a rocky 
 height was the black flag, emblem of 
 piracy, and, as Artemus Ward put it, 
 "with the second joints reversed." It 
 was in very truth a signal of distress. 
 
 " I make it a point never to be sur 
 prised/' observed Holmes, as he peered 
 through the glass, "but this beats me. 
 I didn't know there was an island of this 
 nature in these latitudes. Blackstone, 
 go below and pipe Captain Cook on deck. 
 Perhaps he knows what island that is."
 
 MAROONED 173 
 
 " You'll have to excuse me, Captain 
 Holmes," replied the Judge. " I didn't 
 ship on this voyage as a cabin-boy or a 
 messenger-boy. Therefore I " 
 
 " Bonaparte, put the Judge in irons," 
 interrupted Holmes, sternly. "I expect 
 to be obeyed, Judge Blackstone, whether 
 you shipped as a Lord Chief-Justice or a 
 state-room steward. "When I issue an 
 order it must be obeyed. Step lively 
 there, Bonaparte. Get his honor ironed 
 and summon your marines. We may 
 have work to do before night. Hamlet, 
 pipe Captain Cook on deck." 
 
 "Aye, aye, sir/' replied Hamlet, with 
 alacrity, as he made off. 
 
 " That's the way to obey orders," said 
 Holmes, with a scornful glance at Black- 
 stone. 
 
 " I was only jesting, Captain," said the 
 latter, paling somewhat. 
 
 "That's all right," said Holmes, taking 
 np his glass again. "So was I when I 
 ordered you in irons, and in order that 
 you may appreciate the full force of the
 
 174 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 joke I repeat it. Bonaparte, do your 
 duty." 
 
 In an instant the order was obeyed, 
 and the unhappy Judge shortly found 
 himself manacled and alone in the fore 
 castle. Meanwhile Captain Cook, in re 
 sponse to the commander's order, re 
 paired to the deck and scanned the 
 distant coast. 
 
 " I can't place it," he said. " It can't 
 be Monte Cristo, can it ?" 
 
 "No, it can't," said the Count, who 
 stood hard by. " My island was in the 
 Mediterranean, and even if it dragged 
 anchor it couldn't have got out through 
 the Strait of Gibraltar." 
 
 "Perhaps it's Robinson Crusoe's isl 
 and," suggested Doctor Johnson. 
 
 " Not it," observed De Foe. " If it is, 
 the rest of you will please keep off. It's 
 mine, and I may want to use it again. I've 
 been having a number of interviews with 
 Crusoe latterly, and he's given me a lot of 
 new points, which I intend incorporating 
 in a sequel for the Cimmerian Magazine."
 
 MAROONKD 175 
 
 " Well, in the name of Atlas, what isl 
 and is it, then ?" roared Holmes, angrily. 
 " What is the matter with all you learned 
 lubbers that I have brought along on this 
 trip ? Do you suppose Fve brought you 
 to whistle up favorable winds ? Not by 
 the beard of the Prophet ! I brought 
 you to give me information, and now 
 when I ask for the name of a simple little 
 island like that in plain sight there's not 
 one of you able so much as to guess at it 
 reasonably. The next man I ask for in 
 formation goes into irons with Judge 
 Blackstone if he doesn't answer me in 
 stantly with the information I want. 
 Munchausen, what island is that ?" 
 
 "Ahem! that?" replied Munchausen, 
 trembling, as he reflected upon the Cap 
 tain's threat. " What ? Nobody knows 
 what island that is ? Why, you surprise 
 me" 
 
 "See here, Baron," retorted Holmes, 
 menacingly, "I ask you a plain ques 
 tion, and I want a plain answer, with 
 no evasions to gain time. Now it's
 
 176 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 irons or an answer. What island is 
 that ?" 
 
 " It's an island that doesn't appear on 
 any chart, Captain," Munchausen re 
 sponded instantly, pulling himself to 
 gether for a mighty effort, "and it has 
 never been given a name ; but as you in 
 sist upon having one, we'll call it Holmes 
 Island, in your honor. It is not station 
 ary. It is a floating island of lava for 
 mation, and is a menace to every craft 
 that goes to sea. I spent a year of my 
 life upon it once, and it is more barren 
 than the desert of Sahara, because you 
 cannot raise even sand upon it, and it is 
 devoid of water of any sort, salt or fresh." 
 
 1 ' What did you live on during that 
 year ?" asked Holmes, eying him nar 
 rowly. 
 
 "Canned food from wrecks," replied 
 the Baron, feeling much easier now that 
 he had got a fair start "canned food 
 from wrecks, commander. There is a 
 magnetic property in the upper stratum 
 of this piece of derelict real estate, sir,
 
 MAROONED 177 
 
 which attracts to it every bit of canned 
 substance that is lost overboard in all 
 parts of the world. A ship is wrecked, 
 say, in the Pacific Ocean, and ultimately 
 all the loose metal upon her will succumb 
 to the irresistible attraction of this mag 
 netic upper stratum, and will find its way 
 to its shores. So in any other part of the 
 earth. Everything metallic turns up 
 here sooner or later ; and when you con 
 sider that thousands of vessels go down 
 every year, vessels which are provisioned 
 with tinned foods only, you will begin to 
 comprehend how many millions of pounds 
 of preserved salmon, sardines, pdte defoie 
 gras, peaches, and so on, can be found 
 strewn along its coast." 
 
 " Munchausen," said Holmes, smiling, 
 " by the blush upon your cheek, coupled 
 with an occasional uneasy glance of the 
 eye, I know that for once you are stand 
 ing upon the, to you, unfamiliar ground 
 of truth, and I admire you for it. There 
 is nothing to be ashamed of in telling the 
 truth occasionally. You are a man after 
 
 13
 
 178 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 my own heart. Come below and have a 
 cocktail. Captain Cook, take command 
 of the Gehenna during my absence ; head 
 her straight for Holmes Island, and when 
 you discover anything new let me know. 
 Bonaparte, in honor of Munchausen's re 
 markable genius I proclaim general am 
 nesty to our prisoners, and you may re 
 lease Blackstone from his dilemma ; and 
 if you have any tin soldiers among your 
 marines, see that they are lashed to the 
 rigging. I don't want this electric island 
 of the Baron's to get a grip upon my 
 military force at this juncture." 
 
 With this Holmes, followed by Mun- 
 chausen, went below, and the two worthies 
 were soon deep in the mysteries of a phan 
 tom cocktail, while Doctor Johnson and 
 De Foe gazed mournfully out over the 
 ocean at the floating island. 
 
 " De Foe," said Johnson, " that ought 
 to be a lesson to you. This realism 
 that you tie up to is all right when you 
 are alone with your conscience ; but 
 when there are great things afoot, an irn-
 
 1 THAT OUGHT TO BE A LESSON TO YOU ' "
 
 MAROONED 179 
 
 agination and a broad view as to the 
 limitations of truth aren't at all bad. 
 You or I might now be drinking that 
 cocktail with Holmes if we'd only risen 
 to the opportunity the way Munchausen 
 did." 
 
 " That is true," said De Foe, sadly. 
 "But I didn't suppose he wanted that 
 kind of information. I could have spun 
 a better yarn than that of Munchausen's 
 with my eyes shut. I supposed he wanted 
 truth, and I gave it." 
 
 "I'd like to know what has become of 
 the House-boat," said Raleigh, anxiously 
 gazing through the glass at the island. 
 " I can see old Henry Morgan sitting down 
 there on the rocks with his elbows on his 
 knees and his chin in his hands, and Kidd 
 and Abeuchapeta are standing back of 
 him, yelling like mad, but there isn't a 
 boat in sight." 
 
 "Who is that man, off to the right, 
 dancing a fandango ?" asked Johnson. 
 
 " It looks like Conrad, but I can't tell. 
 He appears to have gone crazy. He's got
 
 180 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 that wild look on his face which betokens 
 insanity. We'll have to be careful in 
 our parleyings with these people," said 
 Ealeigh. 
 
 "Anything new?" asked Holmes, re 
 turning to the deck, smacking his lips in 
 enjoyment of the cocktail. 
 
 " No except that we are almost within 
 hailing distance," said Cook. 
 
 " Then give orders to cast anchor," ob 
 served Holmes. " Bonaparte, take a crew 
 of picked men ashore and bring those 
 pirates aboard. Take the three musketeers 
 with you, and don't let Kidd or Morgan 
 give you any back talk. If they try any 
 funny business, exorcise them." 
 
 " Aye, aye, sir," replied Bonaparte, and 
 in a moment a boat had been lowered and 
 a sturdy crew of sailors were pulling for 
 the shore. As they came within ten feet 
 of it the pirates made a mad dash down 
 the rough, rocky hillside and clamored to 
 be saved. 
 
 "What's happened to you ?" cried Bona 
 parte, ordering the sailors to back water,
 
 MAROONED 181 
 
 lest the pirates should too hastily board 
 the boat and swamp her. 
 
 "We are marooned," replied Kidd, 
 " and on an island of a volcanic nature. 
 There isn't a square inch of it that isn't 
 heated up to 125 degrees, and seventeen 
 of us have already evaporated. Conrad 
 has lost his reason ; Abeuchapeta has be 
 come so tenuous that a child can see 
 through him. As for myself, I am grow 
 ing iridescent with anxiety, and unless 
 I get off this infernal furnace I'll dis 
 appear like a soap-bubble. For Heav 
 en's sake, then, General, take us off, 
 on your own terms. We'll accept any 
 thing." 
 
 As if in confirmation of Kidd's words, 
 six of the pirate crew collapsed and dis 
 appeared into thin air, and a glance at 
 Abeuchapeta was proof enough of his con 
 dition. He had become as clear as crystal, 
 and had it not been for his rugged outlines 
 he would hardly have been visible oven to 
 his fellow-spirits. As for Kidd, he had 
 taken on the aspect of a rainbow, and it
 
 182 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 was patent that his fears for himself were 
 all too well founded. 
 
 Bonaparte embarked the leaders of the 
 band first, returning subsequently for the 
 others, and repaired with them at once to 
 the Gehenna, where they were ushered 
 into the presence of Sherlock Holmes. 
 The first question he asked was as to the 
 whereabouts of the House-boat. 
 
 " That we do not know," replied Kidd, 
 mournfully, gazing downward at the wreck 
 of his former self. " We came ashore, sir, 
 early yesterday morning, in search of food. 
 It appears that when acting in a wholly 
 inexcusable fashion, and influenced, I con 
 fess it, by motives of revenge I made off 
 with your club-house, I neglected to as 
 certain if it were well stocked with provi 
 sions, a fatal error ; for when we endeav 
 ored to get supper we discovered that the 
 larder contained but half a bottle of farcie 
 olives, two salted almonds, and a soda 
 cracker not a luxurious feast for sixty- 
 nine pirates and a hundred and eighty- 
 three women to sit down to."
 
 MAROONED 183 
 
 "That's all nonsense," said Demos 
 thenes. " The House Committee had pro 
 vided enough supper for six hundred peo 
 ple, in anticipation of the appetite of 
 the members on their return from the 
 fight." 
 
 " Of course they did," said Confucius ; 
 " and it was a good one, too salads, sal 
 mon glace, lobsters every blessed thing 
 a man can't get at home we had ; and what 
 is more, they'd been delivered on board. I 
 saw to that before I went up the river." 
 
 " Then," moaned Kidd, " it is as I sus 
 pected. We were the victims of base 
 treachery on the part of those women." 
 
 "Treachery ? Well, I like that. Call 
 it reciprocity," said Hamlet, dryly. 
 
 " We were informed by the ladies that 
 there was nothing for supper save the 
 items I have already referred to," said 
 Kidd. " I see it all now. We had tried 
 to make them comfortable, and I put my 
 self to some considerable personal incon 
 venience to make them easy in their minds, 
 but they were ungrateful."
 
 184 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 "Whatever induced you to take 'em 
 along with you ?" asked Socrates. 
 
 " We didn't want them/' said Kidd. 
 " We didn't know they were on board un 
 til it was too late to turn back. They'd 
 broken in, and were having the club all to 
 themselves in your absence." 
 
 "It served you good and right," said 
 Socrates, with a laugh. " Next time you 
 try to take things that don't belong to you, 
 maybe you'll be a trifle more careful as to 
 whose property you confiscate." 
 
 " But the House-boat you haven't told 
 us how you lost her," put in Raleigh, im 
 patiently. 
 
 "Well, it was this way," said Kidd. 
 " When, in response to our polite request 
 for supper, the ladies said there was noth 
 ing to eat on board, something had to be 
 done, for we were all as hungry as bears, 
 and we decided to go ashore at the first 
 port and provision. Unfortunately the 
 crew got restive, and when this floating 
 frying-pan loomed into view, to keep them 
 good-natured we decided to land and see
 
 MAROONED 185 
 
 if we could beg, borrow, or steal some sup 
 plies. We had to. Observations taken 
 with the sextant showed that there was no 
 port within five hundred miles ; the island 
 looked as if it might be inhabited at least 
 by goats, and ashore we went, every man of 
 us, leaving the House-boat safely anchored 
 in the harbor. At first we didn't mind the 
 heat, and we hunted and hunted and hunt 
 ed ; but after three or four hours I began to 
 notice that three of my sailors were shrivel 
 ling up, and Conrad began to act as if he 
 were daft. Hawkins burst right before my 
 eyes. Then Abeuchapeta got prismatic 
 around the eyes and began to fade, and I 
 noticed a slight iridescence about myself ; 
 and as for Morgan, he had the misfortune 
 to lie down to take a nap in the sun, and 
 when he waked up, his whole right side 
 had evaporated. Then we saw what the 
 trouble was. We'd struck this lava island, 
 and were gradually succumbing to its in 
 tense heat. We rushed madly back to the 
 harbor to embark ; and our ship, gentle 
 men, and your House-boat, was slowly but
 
 186 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 surely disappearing over the horizon, and 
 flying from the flag-staff at the fore were 
 signals of farewell, with an unfeeling P. S. 
 below to this effect : ' Don't wait up for 
 us. We may not be back until late.' " 
 
 There was a pause, during which Soc 
 rates laughed quietly to himself, while 
 Abeuchapeta and the one-sided Morgan 
 wept silently. 
 
 "That, gentlemen of the Associated 
 Shades, is all I know of the whereabouts 
 of the House- boat, " continued Captain 
 Kidd. "I have no doubt that the ladies 
 practised a deception, to our discomfit 
 ure, and I must say that I think it was 
 exceedingly clever granting that it was 
 desirable to be rid of us, which I don't, 
 for we meant well by them, and they 
 would have enjoyed themselves." 
 
 " But," cried Hamlet, " may they not 
 now be in peril ? They cannot navigate 
 that ship." 
 
 "They got her out of the harbor all 
 right," said Kidd. "And I judged from 
 the figure at the helm that Mrs. Noah had
 
 MAROONED 187 
 
 taken charge. "What kind of a seaman 
 she is I don't know." 
 
 "Almighty bad, "ejaculated Shem, turn 
 ing pale. "It was she who ran us ashore 
 on Ararat." 
 
 " Well, wasn't that what you wanted ?" 
 queried Munchausen. 
 
 "What we wanted !" cried Shem. "Well, 
 I guess not. You don't want your yacht 
 stranded on a mountain-top, do you ? She 
 was a dead loss there, whereas if mother 
 hadn't been iD such a hurry to get ashore, 
 we could have waited a month and landed 
 on the seaboard." 
 
 "You might have turned her into 
 a summer hotel," suggested Munchau 
 sen. 
 
 "Well, we must up anchor and away/' 
 said Holmes. " Our pursuit has merely 
 begun, apparently. We must overtake 
 this vessel, and the question to be answer 
 ed is where ?" 
 
 " That's easy," said Artemus Ward. 
 " From what Shem says, I think we'd bet 
 ter look for her in the Himalayas."
 
 188 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 "And, meanwhile, what shall be done 
 with Kidd ?" asked Holmes. 
 
 " He ought to be expelled from the 
 club," said Johnson. 
 
 " We can't expel him, because he's not 
 a member," replied Ealeigh. 
 
 " Then elect him," suggested "Ward. 
 
 " What on earth for ?" growled John 
 son. 
 
 " So that we can expel him/' said Ward. 
 
 And while BoswelFs hero was trying to 
 get the value of this notion through his 
 head, the others repaired to the deck, and 
 the Gehenna was soon under way once 
 more. Meanwhile Captain Kidd and his 
 fellows were put in irons and stowed away 
 in the forecastle, alongside of the water- 
 cask in which Shylock lay in hiding.
 
 xn 
 
 THE ESCAPE AND THE END 
 
 IP there was anxiety on board of the 
 Gehenna as to the condition and where 
 abouts of the House-boat, there was by no 
 means less uneasiness upon that vessel it 
 self. Cleopatra's scheme for ridding her 
 self and her abducted sisters of the pirates 
 had worked to a charm, but, having worked 
 thus, a new and hitherto undreamed-of 
 problem, full of perplexities bearing upon 
 their immediate safety, now confronted 
 them. The sole representative of a sea 
 faring family on board was Mrs. Noah, 
 and it did not require much time to see 
 that her knowledge as to navigation was 
 of an extremely primitive order, limited 
 indeed to the science of floating. 
 
 When the last pirate had disappeared
 
 190 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 behind the rocks of Holmes Island, and 
 all was in readiness for action, the good 
 old lady, who had hitherto been as calm 
 and nnruffled as a child, began to get red 
 in the face and to bustle about in a man 
 ner which betrayed considerable pertur 
 bation of spirit. 
 
 "Now, Mrs. Noah," said Cleopatra, as, 
 peeping out from the billiard- room win 
 dow, she saw Morgan disappearing in the 
 distance, " the coast is clear, and I resign 
 my position of chairman to you. We 
 place the vessel in your hands, and our 
 selves subject to your orders. You are in 
 command. What do you wish us to do ?" 
 
 "Very well/' replied Mrs. Noah, put 
 ting down her knitting and starting for 
 the deck. " I'm not certain, but I think 
 the first thing to do is to get her mov 
 ing. Do you know, I've never discovered 
 whether this boat is a steamboat or a 
 sailing-vessel ? Does anybody know ?" 
 
 "I think it has a naphtha tank and a 
 propeller," said Elizabeth, "although I 
 don't know. It seems to me my broth-
 
 THE ESCAPE AND THE END 191 
 
 er Raleigh told me they'd had a naphtha 
 engine put in last winter after the freshet, 
 when the House-boat was carried ten 
 miles down the river, and had to be towed 
 back at enormous expense. They put it in 
 so that if she were carried away again she 
 could get back of her own power/' 
 
 " That's unfortunate/' said Mrs. Noah, 
 "because I don't know anything about 
 these new f angled notions. If there's any 
 one here who knows anything about 
 naphtha engines, I wish they'd speak." 
 
 " I'm of the opinion," said Portia, "that 
 I can study out the theory of it in a short 
 while." 
 
 "Very well, then," said Mrs. Noah, 
 "you can do it. I'll appoint you en 
 gineer, and give you all your orders now, 
 right away, in advance. Set her going and 
 keep her going, and don't stop without a 
 written order signed by me. We might as 
 well be very careful, and have everything 
 done properly, and it might happen that 
 in the excitement of our trip you would 
 misunderstand my spoken orders and
 
 192 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 make a fatal error. Therefore, pay no 
 attention to unwritten orders. That will 
 do for you for the present. Xanthippe, 
 you may take Ophelia and Madame Ke- 
 camier, and ten other ladies, and, every 
 morning before breakfast, swab the lar 
 board deck. Cassandra, Tuesdays you will 
 devote to polishing the brasses in the 
 dining-room, and the balance of your time 
 I wish you to expend in dusting the bric- 
 a-brac. Dido, you always were strong at 
 building fires. I'll make you chief stoker. 
 You will also assist Lucretia Borgia in the 
 kitchen. Inasmuch as the latter's maid 
 has neglected to supply her with the usual 
 line of poisons, I think we can safely en 
 trust to Lucretia' s hands the responsibili 
 ties of the culinary department." 
 
 " I'm perfectly willing to do anything 
 I can," said Lucretia, " but I must con 
 fess that I don't approve of your methods 
 of commanding a ship. A ship's captain 
 isn't a domestic martinet, as you are set 
 ting out to be. We didn't appoint you 
 housekeeper."
 
 THE ESCAPE AND THE END 193 
 
 "Now, my child," said Mrs. Noah, 
 firmly, "I do not wish any words. If I 
 hear any more impudence from you, I'll 
 put you ashore without a reference ; and 
 the rest of you I would warn in all kind 
 ness that I will not tolerate insubordina 
 tion. You may, all of you, have one night 
 of the week and alternate Sundays off, 
 but your work must be done. The reg 
 imen I am adopting is precisely that in 
 vogue on the Ark, only I didn't have the 
 help I have now, and things got into 
 very bad shape. We were out forty 
 days, and, while the food was poor and 
 the service execrable, we never lost a 
 life." 
 
 The boat gave a slight tremor. 
 
 "Hurrah," cried Elizabeth, clapping her 
 hands with glee, " we are off !" 
 
 " I will repair to the deck and get our 
 bearings," said Mrs. Noah, putting her 
 shawl over her shoulders. "Meantime, 
 Cleopatra, I appoint you first mate. See 
 that things are tidied up a bit here before 
 I return. Have the windows washed, and 
 
 13
 
 194 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 to-morrow I want all the rugs and carpets 
 taken up and shaken." 
 
 Portia meanwhile had discovered the 
 naphtha engine, and, after experimenting 
 several times with the various levers and 
 stop-cocks, had finally managed to move 
 one of them in such a way as to set the 
 engine going, and the wheel began to re 
 volve. 
 
 "Are we going all right ?" she cried, 
 from below. 
 
 " I am afraid not," said the gallant com 
 mander. " The wheel is roiling up the 
 water at a great rate, but we don't seem 
 to be going ahead very fast in fact, we're 
 simply moving round and round as though 
 we were on a pivot." 
 
 " I'm afraid we're aground amidships," 
 said Xanthippe, gazing over the side of 
 the House-boat anxiously. " She cer 
 tainly acts that way like a merry-go- 
 round." 
 
 "Well, there's something wrong, said 
 Mrs. Noah ; " and we've got to hurry and 
 find out what it is, or those men will be
 
 THE ESCAPE AND THE END 196 
 
 back and we shall be as badly off as 
 ever." 
 
 " Maybe this has something to do with 
 it," observed Mrs. Lot, pointing to the 
 anchor rope. " It looks to me as if those 
 horrid men had tied us fast." 
 
 " That's just what it is," snapped Mrs. 
 Noah. " They guessed our plan, and have 
 fastened us to a pole or something, but I 
 imagine we can untie it." 
 
 Portia, who had come on deck, gave a 
 short little laugh. 
 
 " Why, of course we don't move," she 
 said " we are anchored !" 
 
 "What's that?" queried Mrs. Noah. 
 "We never had an experience like that 
 on the Ark." 
 
 Portia explained the science of the 
 anchor. 
 
 "What nonsense!" ejaculated Mrs. 
 Noah. "How can we get away from it ?" 
 
 "We've got to pull it up," said Portia. 
 "Order all hands on deck and have it 
 pulled up." 
 
 "It can't be done, and, if it could, I
 
 196 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 wouldn't have it \" said Mrs. Noah, indig 
 nantly. " The idea ! Lifting heavy pieces 
 of iron, my dear Portia, is not a woman's 
 work. Send for Delilah, and let her cut 
 the rope with her scissors." 
 
 " It would take her a week to cut a 
 hawser like that," said Elizabeth, who had 
 been investigating. " It would be more 
 to the purpose, I think, to chop it in two 
 with an axe." 
 
 "Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, satis 
 fied. " I don't care how it is done as long 
 as it is done quickly. It would never do 
 for us to be recaptured now." 
 
 The suggestion of Elizabeth was carried 
 out, and the queen herself cut the hawser 
 with six well-directed strokes of the axe. 
 
 "You are an expert with it, aren't 
 you ?" smiled Cleopatra. 
 
 "I am, indeed," replied Elizabeth, grim 
 ly. " I had it suspended over my head 
 for so long a time before I got to the 
 throne that I couldn't help familiarizing 
 myself with some of its possibilities." 
 
 "Ah !" cried Mrs. Noah, as the vessel
 
 THK ESCAPE AND THE END 197 
 
 began to move. " I begin to feel easier. 
 It looks now as if we were really off." 
 
 "It seems to me, though," said Cleo 
 patra, gazing forward, " that we are going 
 backward." 
 
 " Oh, well, what if we are !" said Mrs. 
 Noah. " We did that on the Ark half the 
 time. It doesn't make any difference 
 which way we are going as long as we go, 
 does it ?" 
 
 "Why, of course it does '."cried Eliza 
 beth. " What can you be thinking of ? 
 People who walk backward are in great 
 danger of running into other people. Why 
 not the same with ships ? It seems to me, 
 it's a very dangerous piece of business, sail 
 ing backward." 
 
 "Oh, nonsense," snapped Mrs. Noah. 
 " Yon are as timid as a zebra. During the 
 Flood, we sailed days and days and days, 
 going backward. It didn't make a particle 
 of difference how we went it was as safe 
 one way as another, and we got just as far 
 away in the end. Our main object now is 
 to get away from the pirates, and that's
 
 198 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 what we are doing. Don't get emotional, 
 Lizzie, and remember, too, that I am in 
 charge. If I think the boat ought to go 
 sideways, sideways she shall go. If you 
 don't like it, it is still not too late to put 
 you ashore." 
 
 The threat calmed Elizabeth somewhat, 
 and she was satisfied, and all went well 
 with them, even if Portia had started the 
 propeller revolving reverse fashion ; so 
 that the House-boat was, as Elizabeth had 
 said, backing her way through the ocean. 
 
 The day passed, and by slow degrees 
 the island and the marooned pirates faded 
 from view, and the night came on, and 
 with it a dense fog. 
 
 " We're going to have a nasty night, I 
 am afraid," said Xanthippe, looking anx 
 iously out of the port. 
 
 " No doubt," said Mrs. Noah, pleasant 
 ly. " I'm sorry for those who have to be 
 out in it." 
 
 " That's what I was thinking about," 
 observed Xanthippe. "It's going to be 
 very hard on us keeping watch."
 
 THE ESCAPE AND THE END 19& 
 
 "Watch for what?" demanded Mrs. 
 Noah, looking over the tops of her glasses 
 at Xanthippe. 
 
 "Why, surely you are going to have 
 lookouts stationed on deck ?" said Eliza 
 beth. 
 
 " Not at all," said Mrs. Noah. " Per 
 fectly absurd. We never did it on the 
 Ark, and it isn't necessary now. I want 
 you all to go to bed at ten o'clock. I don't 
 think the night air is good for you. Be 
 sides, it isn't proper for a woman to be 
 out after dark, whether she's new or not." 
 
 "But, my dear Mrs. Noah," expostu 
 lated Cleopatra, " what will become of 
 the ship ?" 
 
 " I guess she'll float through the night 
 whether we are on deck or not," said the 
 commander. " The Ark did, why not this ? 
 Now, girls, these new-fangled yachting 
 notions are all nonsense. It's night, and 
 there's a fog as thick as a stone-wall all 
 about us. If there were a hundred of you 
 upon deck with ten eyes apiece, you 
 couldn't see anything. You might much
 
 200 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 better be in bed. As your captain, chap 
 eron, and grandmother, I command you 
 to stay below." 
 
 " But who is to steer ?" queried Xan 
 thippe. 
 
 " What's the use of steering until we 
 can see where to steer to ?" demanded 
 Mrs. Noah. " I certainly don't intend 
 to bother with that tiller until some rea 
 son for doing it arises. We haven't any 
 place to steer to yet ; we don't know where 
 we are going. Now, my dear children, 
 be reasonable, and don't worry me. I've 
 had a very hard day of it, and I feel my 
 responsibilities keenly. Just let me man 
 age, and we'll come out all right. I've had 
 more experience than any of you, and 
 if" 
 
 A terrible crash interrupted the old 
 lady's remarks. The House-boat shivered 
 and shook, careened way to one side, and 
 as quickly righted and stood still. A mad 
 rush up the gangway followed, and in a 
 moment a hundred and eighty-three pale- 
 faced, trembling women stood upon the
 
 "A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO THE REAR"
 
 THE ESCAPE AND THE END 201 
 
 deck, gazing with horror at a great help 
 less hulk ten feet to the rear, fastened by 
 broken ropes and odd pieces of rigging 
 to the stern-posts of the House-boat, sink 
 ing slowly but surely into the sea. 
 
 It was the Gehenna ! 
 
 The House-boat had run her down and 
 her last hour had come, but, thanks to 
 the stanchness of her build and wonder 
 ful beam, the floating club-house had 
 withstood the shock of the impact and 
 now rode the waters as gracefully as 
 ever. 
 
 Portia was the first to realize the extent 
 of the catastrophe, and in a short while 
 chairs and life-preservers and tables 
 everything that could float had been 
 tossed into the sea to the struggling im 
 mortals therein. On board the Gehenna, 
 those who had not cast themselves into 
 the waters, under the cool direction of 
 Holmes and Bonaparte, calmly lowered the 
 boats, and in a short while were not only 
 able to felicitate themselves upon their 
 safety, but had likewise the good fortune
 
 202 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 to rescue their more impetuous brethren 
 who had preferred to swim for it. Ulti 
 mately, all were brought aboard the 
 House -boat in safety, and the men in 
 Hades were once more reunited to 
 their wives, daughters, sisters, and fian 
 cees, and Elizabeth had the satisfaction 
 of once more saving the life of Raleigh 
 by throwing him her ruff as she had done 
 a year or so previously, when she and her 
 brother had been upset in the swift cur 
 rent of the river Styx. 
 
 Order and happiness being restored, 
 Holmes took command of the House 
 boat and soon navigated her safely back 
 into her old-time berth. The Gehenna 
 went to the bottom and was never seen 
 again, and when the roll was called it 
 was found that all who had set out upon 
 her had returned in safety save Shylock, 
 Kidd, Sir Henry Morgan, and Abeuchape- 
 ta ; but even they were not lost, for, five 
 weeks later, these four worthies were 
 found early one morning drifting slowly 
 up the river Styx, gazing anxiously out
 
 TUB ESCAPE AND THE END 203 
 
 from the top of a water-cask and yelling 
 lustily for help. 
 
 And here endeth the chronicle of the 
 pursuit of the good old House - boat. 
 Back to her moorings, the even tenor of 
 her ways was once more resumed, but 
 with one slight difference. 
 
 The ladies became eligible for member 
 ship, and, availing themselves of the privi 
 lege, began to think less and less of the 
 advantages of being men and to rejoice 
 that, after all, they were women ; and even 
 Xanthippe and Socrates, after that night 
 of peril, reconciled their differences, and 
 no longer quarrel as to which is the more 
 entitled to wear the toga of authority. 
 It has become for them a divided skirt. 
 
 As for Kidd and his fellows, they have 
 never recovered from the effects of their 
 fearful, though short, exile upon Holmes 
 Island, and are but shadows of their 
 former shades ; whereas Mr. Sherlock 
 Holmes has so endeared himself to his 
 new-found friends that he is quite as 
 popular with them as he is with us, who
 
 204 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT 
 
 have yet to cross the dark river and be 
 subjected to the scrutiny of the Commit 
 tee on Membership at the House-boat on 
 the Styx. 
 
 Even Hawkshaw has been able to de 
 tect his genius. 
 
 THE END
 
 A 001 367 627