!^ .^S'^ m^~'i THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES GIFT OF FREDERIC THOMAS BLANCHARD ► FRONTISPIECE. Tin: FLITCH OF BACON OR ^\n Custom of gunmol\3 A TALE OF ENGLISH HOME BY V/ILLIAM HAlUlISOxX AIXSWORTH " Quern per Annum et Diem, sive dormientem, sive vigilantem, Conjugii sui non pcenirierit Dunmuam ci ire liccat, et poeiiam viudicare." Dt' lardo ap. Prioyaiiim Duniinicnsem ohtincndii WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY SIR JOHN GILCERT, R.A. LONDON GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, Limited EROADWAY, LUDGATE HILL GLAbGOW, MANCHESTER, AND NEW YORK AINSWORTH'S NOVELS. The Original Illustrated Edition, v:ith Steel Plates and. Woodcuts, from Designs by George Cruikshank, Sir John Gilbert, R.A., H. K. Browne, eniJ other Artists. AURIOL. BOSCOBEIi; OR, THE rOVAL OAK. CRICIITON. THE FLITCH OF BACON. GUY FAM'KES. JACK SHEPPARD. THE LANCASHIRE 'VnTCnES. MESVYN CUTHEROE. THE miser's DAUGHTER. OLD ST. PAUL'S. OVINCDEAN GRANGE. RC)OKWOOD. THE SPENDTHRIFT. THE STAR CHAMBER. THE TOWER OF LONDON. WINDSOR CASTLE. TO THE (JHEV^- & MADAME BERNHARD TAUCHNITZ As a record of rare conjugal attacliment, this Tale may be appropriately inscribed to you, my good friends; than whom I have never known a more fondly-united couple. Were I the Donor of the Flitch, I would bestow it upon you. As it is, I must content myself with offering you this simple Chronicle of a good old Eno-lish Custom — something akin to which may, per- haps, exist in your kindly Fatherland. Accept it as a slight testimony of the great regard in which you are both held by Yours very sincerely, W. Harrison Ainsworth. Arundel Terrace, Brlgldon : Maij 1, 1854. o GS4962 PEEFACE. *' A-MONG the jocular tenures of England, none havo been more talked of than the Bacox of Duxmow." So says Grose, and truly. The Dunmow Flitch has passed into a proverb. Tt is referred to by Chaucer, in a manner which pi'oves that allusion to it wa.s as intelligible in his day, as it Avould be in our own. The origin of the memorable Custom, hitherto enve- loped in some obscui'ity, will be found fully explained in the coui'se of this veracious history. Instituted by a Fitzwalter in the early part of the Thirteenth Century, the Custom continued in force till the middle of the Eighteenth — the date of the following Tale. The last delivery of the Flitch occurred on the 20th June, 1751 ; and I i:)Ossess a very curious print, quite Hogarthian in its character, from a drawing taken on the spot by David Ogborne, representing (appai-ently with great accm-acy) the Ceremony and Procession on that occasion. This print has furnished me with a few hints for my Story. A Custom, almost precisely similar to that of Dunmow, existed at V/hichenoure, in Staffordshire, but is much less generally known. Fennant, who visited Whickeuoure House in 17S0, states, that it was " remarkable for the painted wooden Bacon Flitch, still hung up over the hall chimney, in memory of the "singular tenure by which Sir Philip de Somervile, in the. time of Edward III., held the Manor." The OlitL ran as follows : — " Hear ye, Sir Philip de Somei-vile, »ord of Whichenoure, maintainor and giver of this VI PREFACE. Bacon, that I, A., syth I wedded B., my wyte, and pyth I had her in my kepyng and at wylle, by a Yere and a Daye after our Marryage, I would not have changed for none other, farer no fowler, richer ne powrer, ne for none other descended of gretter lynage, sleeping ne waking, at noo time ; and if the said B. were sole, and I sole, I would take her to be my wyfe before all the wymen of the worlde, of what condytiona soevere they be, good or evyle, as helpe me God, and hi? Seyntys, and this flesh, and all fleshes." If the claimant were a " villeyn," corn and a cheese were given him in addition to the Flitch, and a horse was likewise pro- vided to take him out of the limits of the Manor — all the free tenants thereof conducting him on his way with "trompets, tabourets, and other manoir of myn- stralcie." In respect to the Whichenoure Flitch, Pennant remarks, that it has " remained untouched from the first century of its institution to the present;" adding, jocosely, " we are credibly informed, that the late and present worthy ov/nei's of the ^Manor were de- terred from entering into the holy state, from the di-ead of not obtaining a single rasher of their own bacon." Our Dunmow Flitch was in greater request. Despite the difficulties of the conditions annexed to the gift, it was thrice successfully claimed before the Dissolution of the Monasteries ; and thrice subsequently to that period. Of late years the Custom, I regret to say, havS been discontinued. " Some persons having demanded the Flitch," observes Grose, "it has, as is said, been refused, probably from conjugal affection not being now so rare as heretofore, or because qualification oaths are now supposed to be held less sacred." Many years ago I planned this Tale ; but it is only now that my long-meditated design has been accom- plished. PART THE FIRST. Cfee ®Iir Inn at guiimok I FKOM WHICH IT MAY BE INFERRED THAT PERSEVERAJICE IM A GOOD CAUSE WILL MEET ITS REWARD. A GOOD Old Inn was the Dunmow Flitch. None better in Essex. The house had knoNvn better days, and wealthier inmates — tliough not merrier, perhaps — than it did, since it had come into the occupation of Jonas Nettle- bed : " Jovial Jonas," as he called himself, — or " Friar Bacon," as some of his customers styled him : and who, out of his exceeding love and respect for the time- honoured custom of the Manor of Dunmow, had adopted the Flitch as his sign, and underneath the gi'eat gilded daub, sup}X)sed to represent a side of fatted bacon, that hung before his door, had caused these lines to be written : Painted in gold. The Flitch behold, Of fam'd Dunmow the boast ! Then here should call Fond couples aU, And pledge it in a toast ! This sign caused much laughter, and provoked much rustic wit, chiefly at the landlord's expense; but as it 3 THE FLITCH OF BACON: OR, lured most of the jesters into the house, it perfectly answered its purpose. Though Jovial Jonas had prospered in his calling, which he richly deserved to do, seeing that he brewed the best ale in Essex; the one grand wish of his life was still ungratified, — namely, the possession of the Flitch — not metaphorically, but literally. He coveted the prize more than any other worldly honour, and though often disappointed, he had not given up the expectation of gaining it. Hitherto he had not been able to take the Oath pre- scribed by the Charter, which was rather strict in its conditions, requiring that any married couple claiming the Flitch, should swear that they had lived together in perfect amity for a Twelvemonth and a Day, and never for a single moment, whether sleeping or waking, in bed or at board, had repented them of their choice, or wished themselves asunder. This was more than Jonas could conscientiously affirm of any of his unions. Any, we say, for he had been thrice married, and in / each instance the match v/aa so ill-assorted, that both parties often sighed for freedom from their fetters. Jonas's first wife was a shrew, and never allowed him a moment's peace ; his second was soft-spoken enough, but a F^d flirt, who drove him nearly disti'acted with jealoufiy; and his third cared more abovit the bottle than ijhe did about him. Nothing daunted, and ani- mated by the same ambition as before, Jonas married again, in the full belief that this time his effort would be cro"ttTied with success. And the odds seemed now rather more in his favour, for his fourth wife, Nelly, was not only by far the prettiest of the bunch, but veiy amiable, and apparently very much atta,ched to him. Moreover, Nelly was as anxious to gain the Flitch as her husband ; and that was something. The worst that could be said of her was, that she was a little disposed to coquetry, and liked flattery; "but Jhis," Jonas said, "was quite natiu-al in a pretty THE CUSTOM OF DUNMOW. S voxing Avomau." As to her personal i;'races, he had been known to sum them up thus : — " There i& not too much of Nelly — not half so much as there was of my last wite, Chloe, — but, what there is, is good, and of the right sort. Her eyes arc brighter than my first wife's, Kate — you recollect Kate's black eyes, eh, neigh- bour ? — and her waist is trimmer, and her ankles neater than Jane's — my second — ^you remember Jenny, neigh- bour — a fine woman, but rather too free in her manners — in short, Nelly's worth 'em all three put together. I'm a lucky man, neighbour — by the marry maskins ! I am. I envy no man his wife — not even you — and I care not if any man envies me, seeing I'm now as sure of the Flitch as I am that my name's Jonas — Jovial Jonas — ha ! ha ! I mean to claim it when the time of probation is over. So look out for rare doings, neigh- bour — rare doings — ho ! ho !" Sam Orpint, the village chum to whom these remarks were addressed, though he agreed with the uxorious land- lord in his estimate of his wife's beauty, was by no means so sure that Jonas would win the prize. However, he kept his thoughts to himself, and merely nodded his. head, as if in assent. He was married himself, and knew the difficulties and dangers of the case. The claimant of the Flitch in expectation was by no means an ill-looking little fellow — in his own opinion. We are compelled to qualify the description, since most people thought him too short, too stout, too red in the gills, too puffy, too snub-nosed — too anytliing you please — except too handsome. But Jonas viewed his own figure and face in the glass in a very different light, and thought himself an extremely personable man. He was rather a lady-killer too; persuading himself that the women doted upon him — and he had some show of reason for the belief, since he had obtained four wives, but other explanations of his good luck had been given. Howbeit, he took considerable pains in the adornmer if his person; "wore flowered waistcoats, and coats sec \V;" Jonas said, intei^nally blaming himself for hia rashness, as he reflected upon the Flitch, fearing ho had endangered his chance of obtaining it. " What are you doing there, Mr. Nettlebed 1 An'' THE CUSTOM OK DUXilOW. 11 what noise was that 1 heard T Mrs. Nettlebed inqiured r»tli(!r sharply. "I've just been decorating the windows, rny deat " Jonas replied, coming out of the i-ecess, and putting on a demure look — "but I do not remember heai'ing aijy noise." "It sounded like a kiss," Nelly rejoined. ^'.Like a very loud kiss !" " Did it, indeed, my dear ! Perhaps, it was Carroty Dick trying the effect of the Mistletoe Bough with the cook. We've just put it up. I declare the rascal's at it again — and with Peggy this time," Nettlebed cried, pointing to the I'ecess, where the red-polled ostler was detaining both the Avomen under the bough. " Go about your business, sirrah." "Axe your pardon, sir," red-poll said, "but I was only follering " "About your business, I say, directly," Nettlebed interrupted. And Dick and the others disapjDeared, leaving the landlord alone with his wife. " Charmin' eifect, haven't they, my dear?" Jonas said, pointing to the evergreens in the windows. " Quite an arbourified look." " Charming, indeed," she replied. " But don't think to deceive me, sir. I saw you." Perceiving further evasion would be useless, Nettle- bed stammered ou^t — "Well, my love, I'm sure 1 meant no harm. All's fair luider the mistletoe." " You think so. Then you wouldn't object to any- body taking the same freedom with me — eh ?" " Certainly not, my dear, certainly not. But pei haps you. had better not permit it — merely for appear- ance sake. As we mean to claim the Flitch, one can't be too particular — before people. Not t]io.t I should be in the least degree uneasy — but — you understand me, my angel." " Yes, I perfectly understand you, Mr. Nettlebed. S*^ if Frank Woodbine s/tould come in, and I shnvld 12 THE FLITCH OF BACON: OK, chance to be near the mistletoe — and he should — eh, my dear — what would you say then f "Sayl — Zounds and the devil !" the landlord ejacu- lated. "Oh fie! an oath, Mr. Nettlebed — a shocking oath. I declare ^j-ou look quite in a passion." " Nothing of the kind, mv love, i^ever calmer in my life." " You look very red in the face, for a calni person. Do keep your legs still. One would think you wert- jealous of Frank Woodbine." " Jealous ! — impossible ! I know what a treasure I possess. And though Frank is accounted the best- looking young man in the neighboui-hood, I know my darling has eyes only for me." " There you are right, duck. And you are safe on Frank's side aa well. For is not he mairied ? And can he have eyes for any one except his lawful spouse ]" " One would tJiink not. Few women can compare with Rose Woodbine in point of beauty." " Indeed, sir. You always thought her prettier than me." " I never said so, my dear, whatever I may have thought. But you know she was called the Rose of Dunmow before her marriage." "Yes, I know that. And I know likewise, that you popjDed the question to her, before you popped to me. And she refused you." " Fortunately she dicL my dear," " Fiddlestick's end ! 1 dare say you preferred her. I wish Frank Woodbine had popped to me." •' Don't wish that, my love, or we shall never win the Flitch. It was a hasty expression on your part, and I forget it. In fact, I've never heard it. I know your real sentiments too well." " You do, indeed, ducky. No one could seriously Suppose that I should prefer a young gamekeeper, how- ever good-looking he may be — with nothing but hia gun for his maiutenance and a cottage for his home THE CUSTOM OF DUNMOW. 13 — to you, a comfortable well-to-do, nice little man — with plenty of money in your pockets, and a house like this above your head. Yet they do say Frank and his wife are very hapjiy, quite a model pair: and that they might claim the Flitch, if they liked." " Oh ! they say that, do they ? I know a way to stop Master Frank's mouth, if ever he attempts to pronounce the Oath." "A secret about him. Oh do tell it me, ducky. £ should like so much to hear it." " Excuse me just now, my dear." " Has it any thing to do with the letter which wai. ieft here for him, by the mail post, this moi'ning ?" " I'm sure I can't say." " Let me look at it. Perhaps I can give a guess.' "Well, there it is, my dear," Jonas replied, giving her a letter. "The direction is plain enough," she rejoined, read- ing it — " ' For Francis Woodbine, Gamekeeper to THE Lord Maynard. To be left with Jonas Net- TLEBED, AT THE SiGN OF THE FlITCH OF BaCON, IN DuNMOW, Essex.' Odd, a letter should be addressed here and not to his own house ! That looks suspicious. Yet I don't think it's a female hand. I wonder what's inside it," she added, trying to peep under the folds. •' How provoking ! I can't make out a word. Yes, I can. There's a capital J. Oh ! I see — it"s only from a John. I don't care about it. You may take it back." " Very well, my dear," Jonas replied, putting it into tho table-drawer, and locking it up. " There it rests till Frank comes for it." " And you wont tell me the secret '{" " Don't press me, I beg. I know what I know. AnH that's enough to settle Frank, if he makes any pre- tension to the Flitch. That dainty dish is reserved for us, Nelly. By the marry maskins ! we wont allow any interlopers. Oddslife ! how I wish the eventful day were come, on which we could claim it. What a gi-and sight it will be ! What crowds will throng to 14 THE FLITCH OF BACON: OR, Dunmow from all parts of Essex — for I've already gi\ep notice of my intention to Mr. Roper, the steward, and he will cause it to be proclaimed at the Court Baron, so that all the world will know it, and all the world will of course come to see us— for it is a sight not to be witnessed elsewhere. Squire Monkbury, and Mr. Roper, and the officers with their white wands, and Dr. Sidebottom, the Vicar of Dunmow, in his cassock and bands ; and Parson Bush, the Squire's Chaplain, and Roger Bowes, the Clerk, and Timothy Tipcat, the Beadle, with his staff, and the drummers and the fifers, will all be ready to receive us at the door of the old Priory. And there will be the Jury of Bachelors and Maidens, six of each, to decide upon the justice of our claim. And there will be the Flitch of Bacon itself ready to be delivered. The church bells will ring joyfully, and the miisicians play lively tunes to welcome our arrival. Then we shall march up to the Priory, dressed in oiir best, and passing through the crowd, which will draw aside respectfully, to allow us passage, Ave shall enter the porch, and kneel down upon the stones. Uncommonly sharp stones they are, Nelly, for Pve tried them, and therefore, my deai', we'll take the precaution of having our knees well padded. Mr. Roper will then, with all due solemnity, pronounce the Oath as follows : " " Don't trouble yourself to repeat it, dearest. I know- it perfectly." " Suppose it uttered, then. Profound silence will of course prevail during this part of the ceremony. But as we arise to receive our prize, the music wil] strike up again, the bells ring forth their loudest peals. and shouts from the assembled crowd will rend the aii'. The ancient arm-chair will then be brought forth. We shall enter it. I sitting on the right, and you on the left." " Exactly the reverse, ducky — ^you on the left, and 1 on the right." " No such thing I tell you, Mrs. Nettlebed, Pve ia- q\ured the particulars and ouijht to know." THE CUSTOM OF DUNMOW. lo " You may know what you please, Mr. Nettlebed. Eat I sit on tlie right if I sit there at all." "Well, well — my dear, that's not material. I daro say it can be managed. We are seateci together somehow ; and the proce.ssion sets forth, headed by Will Crane, the chief huntsman, caixymg the Flitch. Will bears it aloft on a tall pole that all may se^e it. Then follow the musicians strumming away ; then Squire Monkbury, Parson Bash, and. Di*. Sidebottom." '* Lord bless us ! I fancy I see the doctor ! How his fat reverence will waddle along, and mop his round face, if it happens to be a hot day ! And how he will stare at me, to be sure." " Everybody will stare at you, Nelly. You'll be * the observed of all observeis,' as the poet says. But to go on. Close behind Dr. Sidebottom we shall come ; borne on the shoulders of six able-bodied men, and seated together es I have described." " But you haven't settled how we are to sit V " Oh, yes, I have. How elated we shall feel as we look around, and gaze on the shouting crowds, the little boys in the trees, and on the gates, and the coun- try folk in the waggons and carts." " I shall be thinking of the fine company in the coaches. I don't care about trumpery in carts, and little boys on hedges and gates. I dare say it will be a pretty sight — especially if Sir John Grubham, or Sir Gilbert de Montfichet or some of the other handsome young squire? should happen to be there." " Hang the handsome young squires ! Let me pro- ceed. In our rear will come the Jury. The six maidens on my side, and the bachelors on yours." " That wont do at all. If the bacheloi's come behind •«Xie, I shan't see them." "And what matters it if you don't f " A great deal. It must be as I wish; or I take no part in it ; that's certain." '• Well, I dcn't mind giAang up any little point if that my principal aim be attained. So the bachelors shal! 16 THE FLITCU OF BACON: OR, follow as you desire. In this way we shall be taken round the boundaries of the old Priory, and to the Priory Church, amid increasing crowds, and continued shouting, and «o home — where "we shall end the day in feasting and revelry. By the marry maskins ! it will be a grand day ! I'm sure you'll do your best to bring it about. We must both be very cautious, and never give each other a cross look, or utter a cross word — before people. Aii ! here's the Saffron Walden and Chelmslord waggon. I hear the jingling of the bells. T must go and see if any one alights from it. Recollect, my dear. Always keep watch upon yourself — before people." III. OF THE STRANGE GUEST WHO ARKIVED AT THE FLITCH. JiXGLE ! jingle ! jingle ! Blithe music make those tiny bells. No sound so pleasant. It awakens all Dunmow, and the gossips of the place issue forth to gaze at the huge lumbering waggon, as it moves slowly along, grinding the ice and frozen mud to powder. The powerful team that draw it are well shod, and keep their feet stoutly upon the slippery road. Six strong black horses; the leaders with bells on their collars, jingling merrily and tune- fully. Children shout; dogs bark, and Ben the wag- goner cracks his long whip. At length, the mighty vehicle stops at the Old Inn. The little bells are mute, unless one of the leaders of the team chances to snort and shake his mighty neck. Simultaneously with the stoppage Jonas Nettlebed and Tom Tapster issue from the porch. Carroty Dick is already there, attending to the horses, while Ben the waggoner informs the landlord, that he has got a CTiston^er for him : an old gentleman named Plot, whom he took uo at SafFron Walden. " That's the name on THE CUSTOM OF DUNMOW. 17 his portmantle anyhow, so 1 spose it be his'n," Beu said — "he's a cur'ousish sort of chap, he is. There that be he a-callin' out." "Here Dick — here Tom — go fetch the ste2)S — aud help the gentleman out," Jonas cried, as an elderly personage, wrapped in a large blue roquelaure, with his hands stuffed into a muff, a comforter round his throat, and an extra pair of woollen stockings drawn above his knees, got out of the waggon. And not without some difficulty, for his numerous wraps rather impeded his movements. However, he and his port- juanteau were safely landed at last. It then appeared that the old gentleman was lime — very lame. Perhaps he had a club foot, for his I'ight leg appeared shorter than the left. He had a keen grey eye, and so far as covild be seen of it, an irritable looking countenance, and when he pulled down his comforter to speak to the landlord, there was a nervous twitching about the mouth, that confirmed the general expression of his face. His manner was testy, and his mode of speech interjectional and impa- tient. His first order was that some refreshments should be given to a soldier's wife and her children, inside the waggon, with whom he had travelled ; and he would not enter the house till he had seen the in- junction obeyed. While Tom Tapster went for the ale and cold vianda commanded, a young man crossed the road and walked briskly up to the landlord. He had a fowling-piece over his shoulder, and carried a pouch apparently well filled with game at his side. He was dressed in a green velveteen shooting-coat, and wore stout laced-boots, and buff leathern gaiters mounting above the knee. A broad-leaved hat covered his luxuriant brown locks. Above the middle height, remarkably well-formed, with a light but athletic frame, he looked the very model of a gamekeeper. His countenance was frank and open, and manly in expression, as was his bearing altogether. At his heels followed a noble retriever. 18 THE FLITCH OF BACON: Oli, "A Merry Christmas to you, landlord," he said. ** and a Happy New Year when it comes. ThLs being the season for presents, I've ventured to bring you a couple of wild ducks for your own eating, and a wood- cock for your dame," he added, taking the birds from his pouch, and offering them to Jonas. "The Compliments of the Season to you. Master Woodbine," the host replied ; " and many thanks for the birds, on my wife's part, as well as on my own. But Oddslife ! I've got a letter for you. Where is it ? Oh, let me see — I locked it up in the table-drawer for safety. Ah ! you'i-e a sly rogue, Master Woodbine — a sly rogite — to have your letters addressed to me. I'll bring it you instantly." " Don't give yourself the trouble, my good host," Frank Woodbine rejoined — " I only wished to ascertain that the letter had ariived, for it is of importance, though not in the way you hint. I'll just step home and get rid of my dog and my gun, and then return for it. I've promised to meet Mr. Roper, the steward, at your house, on a matter of business this evening ; and if he should arrive before me, beg him to await my coming." The young gamekeeper then shouldered his gun, and whistling to his dog was soon out of sight. By this time, the hungry family inside the waggou had disposed of their viands ; the old gentleman had slipptc'. a guinea into the poor woman's hands and received n^-r heartfelt blessings in return; Ben the waggoner had drained his pot of ale, and promised to buy some ribands in Chelmsford for pretty Peggy, the chrrTAbermaid, who came out to flirt with him; the long whip was cracked ; the strong horses gave a vigorous pull ; the huge vehicle was again in motion ; and the little bells once more jingled tunefully and merrily, till the pleasant sound was lost in the distance. JNfeanwhile, the host ushered the old gentleman into the house, and proceeded to relieve him of his roque- laure and some of liis wraps. At the same tiu»e. THE CUSTOM OF DUNMOW. 19 Carroty Dick brovight in the portmanteau, anil laid it doNvn near the table. Sure enough, there was the name, marked upon it in large characters — Dr. PLOT. " Welcome, sir, -welcome to the Dunmow Flitch," quoth Jonas, as he busied himself about the old gentle- man — " welcome to the best inn in Essex ; ay, thougli you pit against it the Cock and Pie at Colchester, the Razor and Hen nt Harwich, or tlie Axe and Bottle at Braintree. By the marry maskins ! none can compare with it. Without fear I assert it, and make it my boast, That no one can meet with a cuiller host. Nor a hostess more uuxom hi i siglit to bewitch, Than he'll fmd, if he halts at the sign of the Flitch. Derry down. For I'm proud of my kitclien, I'm proud of my cellar, I'm proud of my wife, as I frequently tell her ; And there is not in Essex a hostel more rich In comfort, than that which is known as the Flitch. Berry doicn" While eTonas was singing, the old gentleman mani- fested great impatience, and at last lie burst forth : " Don't split my ears with your screeching, landlord. Fancy yourself a nightingale, I dare say ; but you've more of the raven or the goose about you. Fetch me a glass of brandy — the oldest and best you have." Quite taken aback at the unexpected rebuff, Jonas proceeded to obey the order, while Dr. Plot limped towards the fire, and stood warming himself before it, till the brandy was brought him. The liquor seemed to please him, for he grunted forth something like an expression of satisfaction. " That'll do, sir, eh ?" Jonas said. " Soft as silk and mild as milk : fifty year old, if it's a day. Wiiy, vXx, that trandy's part of the old stock. It camo out of Sir ^Valter Fitsr^valtei-'s o-wn cellar, and it must have been 20 THE FLITCH OF BACON: OR, his father s, for the baronet was too stingy to buy a bottle." " Humph ! — give me another glass. Tliink I recol- lect the flavour." " Indeed, sir — then mayhap you were a friend of the fiunily f ' "What's that to you, sir?" the old gentleman ex- claimed, rather fiercely. " How dare you put questions to me 1 But since you must know, you inquisitive fellow, I was a friend of the family — the family physi- cian — Dr. Plot. Did you ever hear of me ? — eh !" " Can't say I have, sir — but I'm proud to make your acquaintance, doctor — extremely proud." " Fudge ! Nobody need be proud of kno"\ving me. Hate flattery, even from an innkeeper. Despise it, sir. Wont have it. Folks call me an eccentric man. Dare say I am. Consult my o^vTl converiience and tastes; not theirs. Came here in the waggon because I prefer it to a chaise, the stage-coach, or the post-horse. Better company, and cheaper. Shouldn't have met that soldier's wife and her brats in the coach. Cost me more, though, in the end — now I think of it." " A strange old gentleman, indeed !" Jonas muttei-ed. '* What can I do to please you, sirf " Please me — nothing. Yes, you can. You're mar- ried, you say T " Married, sir — yes, sir," Jonas replied, wondering what was coming next. " Send your wife to me then. More sense than you have, I'll be sworn." " !Mrs. Nettlebed — Nelly, my dear, you're wanted/* the host shouted. " Comir.g, my dear," Sirs. Nettlebed rejoined, as she issued from an inner chamber. " What's your pleasure, sir?" she added, ch'oppiug a curtsey to the old gen- tleman. " My pleasure, madam — I have none," Plot replied crustily. " Your will, then, sir 1" Nelly rejoined. TOE CaSTOM OF DUNMOW 21 •• Fve neither will nor pleasure. Mean to stay here for a few days. That is, if you give me a good bedroom and clean sheets, and make me comfortable." " We've only one room disengaged, sir," Nelly replied, uot much liking her customer — " and that's haanted." "lit/anted !" he rejoined, mimicking her — "so much ■ihe better. I like a haunted room. Never saw a ghost in my life. Want to see one." " Perhaps you may be gratified, sir," Nelly re})lied. " And since you have no objections on that score, wo may manage to accommodate you." " It's the largest chamber in the house, sir, and lias the best bed in it," Jonas interposed — " such an ancient piece of furniture ; such a high tester ; and such stiff old hangings. You'll fancy yourself in a hearse. I've heard say it was Sir Walter's own bed ; and his great- grandfather, Sir Alured, may have slept in it for aught I know. It's moi'e than we could though — eh, Nelly? We thought we saw a female figure come out of one of the closets, and glare at us." " I'm sure I saw it," Mrs. Nettlebed rejoined. " It was bright moonlight, and the figure was as pale as any slu'oud. Jonas can't speak so positively, because he hid himself \iuder the bed-clothes." '' Mere delusion — ^trick of fancy," Plot cried. *' White figure — fudge ! reflection of yourself in a glass — nothing more. Hobgoblin stories frighten children and women. Men laugh at them. Get ready the haunted room for me, ma'am. Make a good fire. Air the bed well, and I warrant me, I shall sleep soundly enough wdthin it, in spite of ghost or ghostess — ha ! ha !" " I hope you may laugh in the same way to-morrow morning, sir," Nelly said, looking as if she expected otherwise. " Never fear, ma'am — never fear. Harkye, landlord, who was the young fellow who gave you a woodcock for your wife V " A woodcock for me. Jonaa ? You never told me about it." 22 ,AE FLITCH OF BACOJ. : OR, ''Dr. Plot's arrival put it out of my head; my dfai Frank Woodbine is the young man's name, sir. He brought me a couple of wild-ducks, and you a woodcock, >ny dear."' •• I thought it must be a present from Frank," Nelly cried. '•' A nice, dear fellow !" " Don't praise him too much, my dear, — before people," Jonas whispered. '•' And who may Frank Woodbine be ?'' Plot inquired. "That's more than I'm able to infoi-ra you, sir," Nettlebed i-eplied. *•' He's a stranger in these parts — that is to say, he tvas a stranger some eighteen months ago, before he came as gamekeeper to Lord Maynard. " He desei'ves to be something more than a game- keeper," Nelly said. " Anybody can see he's above his situation. He never keeps low company like the others, and when dressed in his best, he looks just like a young squire. Indeed, for the matter of that, there's not a young squire hereabouts to compare with him — not even Sir John Grubham, or Squire Chipchase. He rides as well as Squire Monkbury; shoots a great deal better than Sam Snipe, the head keeper ; and as to dancing, you should just see him foot it in the Hay, sir. Nobody like him. Yovi've seen him yourself, sir, and can judge of his good looks." " Pshaw ! good looks are all a woman cares for," Plot rejoined. '' Law, sir !" Nelly cried ; " I'm sure you can't say that of me. I didn't choose my Jonas from outward appearances." ■ •• Rose Woodbine's a treasure beyond all price ; that's all I know," the landlord rejoined, ratlier nettled. '• AH vvomen are treasures — so much beyond price, that one can't get rid of them," Plot observed, drily. " You never beheld such a charmer, sir," Jonas jiur- sued, with a side look at his wife. " A, rustic beauty — cheeks red as apples, and as round," Plot cried — " Picture of rude health, no doubt — line animal — but coarse and clumsy — not at a^I to my taste."' THE CUSTOM OF DUNMOW. Jii " Nor to mine," Nelly said. " You've liit hoi ofl to a uicety, sir." " Knew you'd think so. Women never praise each othci" too much. Your husbaiad now would contradict all ]'ve asserted — all you've contirmcd." " Tastes ditier, sir, and opinions are free," the land ■ lord replied. "According to mine, there's not a lovelier creature in the land than Rose Woodbine. As to niauners, there's nothing low-bred about her, if I may be allowed to judge. Many a fine lady might take a lesson from Rose." " Bless us ! you're very warm in your praises of her, Mr. Nettlebed," Nelly observed. " Not half so Avarm as you were in praise of Frank, my dear," he rej^lied. '• And this paragon of perfection, who would put all our ladies of quality to shame, is some farmer's daughter, I suppose," the old gentleman remarked. " An orphan maiden, brought up by Mr. Leslie, the old curate," Jonas answered — " a niece of his wife's I fancy she may be, sir — but I know nothing for certain. Rose Mildmay, for such was her maiden name, was well brought up. Good old Mr. Leslie, thovigh poor as a rat, did his best for her, and instructed her himself; Mut after his death it was as much as the poor widow could do to keep things together, and support herself So Rose married." " How came she to throw herself away on this young *»«!n 1 Had she no other offer ?" "Many a one. Some that most women circumstance*! as she was, — ahem !" with a look at his wife, '' would have jumped at. One that would have raised her to a rank as high as that of any lady in the county. Young Sir Gilbert de Montfichet, of Stansted House, one of the Snest places in the neighbourhood, offevAd her his hand. But she preferred the humble gamekeeper, to whom she had plighted her troth." A shade of emotion flitted over the old gentleman's sardonic countenance; aui? '-he nervoiis twitching about 24 THE FLITCH OF BACOX : OR, his moutli became sharper than usual. Eut he soon repressed it. " More fool she !" he cried. " She'll repent having \hrown away the chance." " T don't think she will," Nelly said. " She's not like any other woman. She seems quite blind to her own interests ; and as to proper pride or spirit she hasn't a jot of it. She's so wrapped up in her husband ♦'hat she can think of nothing else." "And he pretends to be just as fond of her," J->nns added. "Pretends ! why, isn't he ?" Plot demanded. " I'm sure I can't say," the landlord replied, evasively. " It's no business of mine." " Neither is it your business to make insinuations ♦without wai-rant," Plot rejoined. " I should like to see this fond couple's love put to the test. It's easy to make professions — not so easy to act up to them. I'm no believer in such rare conjugal attachment. I've s-een too much oi the world. All outside show — mere mate- believe. Men neglect their wives — after a time, at least ; and women console themselves as they best v?an : some in one way, some in another. All women try to govern their husbands, and most succeed in the attempt." " You've buta poor opinion of our sex, sir," Nelly said. " A very poor opinion indeed, ma'am. My own experience has unfortunately brought me to that con- clusion." " Sorry to hear it, sir," Nettlebed said — " but you mustn't judge all the world by yourself For example, I am an instance to the contrar}^ My slightest wish is law to Mrs. Nettlebed. She would never di'eam of governing me. Would you, my angel f " Oh no, ducky, T know my duty better." . "There, sir, I hope you're convinced. At )a>'. you've met with a fond husband and an obedient wife : — a couple so perfectly happy and united, sir, that they conceive themselves qualitied to claim tlie Flitch. But e THE CUSTOM OF DUNMOW. 1'.5 here comes Mr. Abel Roper, Steward of the Manor of Little Dunmow. Give you good e'eu, Mr. Roper. A rneiTj Christmas to you, sii\" As the host advanced to welcome the new-comer, Nelly withdrew to get Dr. Plot's room ready for him, and great was Peggy the chambermaid's astonishment, when she heard lier mistress say that the old gentle- man had taken the Haunted Poom. " I wouldn't sleep there alone for all the world," she observed to Carroty Dick, as they followed Mrs. Net- tlebed up the great staircase : she with a candle, and he carrying the sti"angei''s portmanteau. " Don't trouble yourself, Peggy," Dick said- " The ghost won't meddle wi' him. He's too owd an' ugly." And all three disappeared down the dark corridor. IV. how abel rorek obtained an insight into the old gentleman's breast. Dr. Plot sat down by the fire. As the steward entered, he glanced at the old gen- tleman, and the old gentleman glanced at him, but tljpy took no further notice of each other. Mr. Poper then took off his great-coat and gloves, and deposited them with his three-cornered hat on *» chair. He was a respectable-looking middle-aged man, in an iron-grey wig, snuff coloured coat and waistcoat, striped worsted stockings, square-toed shoes and buckles. '* Has Frank Woodbine been hez'e?" he inquired i. the landlord. " Yes, sii\ he has ; about half an hour ago, and he bade me say, if you chanced to ai-rive before his return lie would not keep you long waiting." " That's well," Mr. Poper cried. '' Just take out n pot of ale to mv two friends outside." 25 THE ILITCIl OF BACON: OR, "Won't tliey step in f tlie Irmdlord said. Bui receiving a reply in the negative, he delegated the com- mission to Tom Tapster, by whom it was executed, while Mr. Roper proceeded : " And now, Mr. Nettlebed, I make no doubt vou are all anxiety to know whether I have given notice of yo^r ictention to claim the flitch. I liav*^. It is registeifcd. But I have done still more. I have selfcted the Jury: six of the best lookijig young bachelors of the village, and six of the prettiest maidens; and I have told them to pay you their lirst visit of inquiry this evening." " By the marry maskins ! this is news," Nettlebed exclaimed, j*.yfully. " Here, Tom Tapster. Go and brew a strong bowl of punch, and bid the cook cut the plum-cake and get the minced pies hot. I must give them fitting welcome. What a pity it is we've no music, or we might have a dance." " I've taken care of that," Roper replied ; " I told Simon Appleyard to bring the fiddles with him. I don't want to damp your satisfaction, Mr. Nettlebed, but I am bound to tell you there is another claimant, whose chances appear quite equal, some think superior to your own." The landlord looked quite chapfallen. •' Oddsbodikins ! who is it ?" he asked. " Ko other than the young man who is tc meet me here." " Frank Woodbine ! I thought so. I protest against his claim. He can't take the oath." " Why not 1 He beai-s an excellent character, and in supposed to be fondly attached to his wife ; and she to him" "He doesn't deserve her love — a rake, a libertinCj a dfceiver." "Poh — ^poh : my good friend, you are wholly misin- formed." " I cant be misinformed I've seen it with my owr «V4.".I." THE CUSTOM OF DUNIIOW. 27 « Seen wliiit T " Seen him make love to another woman." " To Mrs. Nettlebetl ?^" " Zookei's ! no ; not to her : I should like to set. him do that : but to one who gave him a very different reception from what he'd meet with from my Nelly — one who kissed him and squeezed him." " Prfhaw ! your eyes must have deceived you." " No, they didn't. I can see plain enough when I desire it. I'll prove what I say, at the right time." " But you must bring forward other evidence than your own. You will be supposed to be an interested witness — and will on that account be discredited." "I'll bring 'damning j)roofs,' as the play-actors say." Jonas cried. " What's that you sfiy about ' damning proofs,' land- lord f Plot said, getting up, and limping towards them. '• So you have found the young man out, eh ? Didn't I tell you man's constancy was all gammon ? Take care he don t retaliate, and find i/oii, out." " I defy him," the landlord replied. "Humph!" ]'lot muttered. "Your servant, sir," he added, bowing to the steward. " Don't recollest me, I perceive 1 Physician to the unfortunate family who once resided here — Dr. Plot." " Tlie name is familiar to me, sir," the steward said, returning the salutation ; " but I confess I do not recollect your features, though I must have seen you." " Dare say not. Most people think me changed — sadly changed — broken down, in fact. I'm come here to spend a few days, and moralise upon the vanities of the world. Plenty of food for it here, sir. An old house gone to ruin : an old family gone to the dogs. And why ? All the fault of a woman. And yet this credulous foul — this easy dupe, would try and persuade us tliat a miracle has been wrought in his behalf." " I am neither a fool, imji a dupe, sir," Jonas 28 THE FLITCH OF BACOK : OR, rejoined. " And I'd have you to know that Mr& Nettlebed is not an ordinary woman. I don't wonder you have not met witli such a one. Squire Monkbury, of Monkbury Place, says she hasn't }jer equal, and that he loves her like a daughter. And Dr. Sidebottom, the Vicar, calls her a rara avis. Perhaps, you know what that means, sii' V " Pshaw !" cried the old gentleman. " I hope we shall give you, before you leave, a better opinion of the sex, and of human nature in general, than you appear to entertain, sir," the steward said, " I know the sad circumstances of the case to which, you allude, and gi-eatly regret them. But I cannot think the unfortunate lady so much to blame as is supposed." " Sir, you know nothing about it," Plot rejoined, sharply. "/ know that Lady Juga was guilty. But no more of this. Let the dead rest in their graves." " I wish they did — Lady Jviga, especially," the landloi-d groaned, aside. " I would not disturb them ; nor would I rake up any memories that may be painful to you, sir, as a friend of Sir Walter, for such I am aware you were. But I cannot but think the Lady Juga wrongfully judged ; and at more fitting time and season I will endeavour to prove the truth of what I assert." * If you can do so, you will remove a barbed arrow that has rankled in my breast for years, and soured all the sweetness of my nature, if it ever had any sweet- iless, which I doubt. And I care not if you kill me iu the doing of it ; since it was from my representa- tions, and by my advice, that Sii- "Walter left his wife." " Then I had better not disclose what I have to tell, sir." " Yes, speak out, and spare not. Cut as deep as you will ; or pluck out the shaft forcibly. I am too good a physician not to know that you must probe the THE caSTOM 01-' DUXMOW. 2» wound, if you would cure it. But mine never can be healed," he added, in a tone of deep pathos. " I hope otheiwise, sir. I will find a convenient time to lay my violation before you. I have business just now with Fviink Woodbine, and expect him here anon. Ah ! sir ; if you could but see his wife, she would change the ill opinion you entertain of women. An angel, sir." " I have heard much of her, and should like to sec hei\ Perhaps, you can contrive it T' " Easily," the steward replied. " Her husband will make you heai'tily welcome to his cottage." " I would rather see he.i- \vithout him." " Well, sir, perhaps it may be managed. I'll see." " Here comes Frank Woodbine," Nettlebed cried, as the door opened to admit the young man. ^^.t the same moment, Nelly came quickly down stall's. V. SHOAVING THAT FRANK WOODBINE SHOULD HAVE LOOKED BEFOKE HE LEAFED. Frank Woodbine was a very liandsomc young fellow, certainly. No mistake about it. He looked much better now than when the old gentleman saw him iii-st, having doflfed his shooting clothes, and put on othei's, which though plain enough, and perfectly suitable to his station, fitted him well, and set off his light, agile limbs to advantage. Mrs. Nettlebed smiled upon him very graciously as they met ; thanked him for his polite attention in bringing her the woodcock ; inquired after his wife and chattered so fast that she quite forgot where she was soias until she fovmd herself near one of the bav I 30 THK FUTXMt OF RAI.VN : OR, I 1 win.low-^ Frank Wi-vxlbiuo tliouglit the evx^rgrveus i*erv iiiivly arnuigxxi. and told her sa " It's my huslxand's tasto." sho replitxi. entering the rvxvss — *• bnt thov are very pretty. I nmst say. Do come and look at them. 3[v cvxxitiess jrracioiis I — if 1 am not under th.e Mistlet^x^ Ixniiih." Fnuik mnst have l>een a stupid fellow, after all. It never ooouirvxi to him to take ad\Tmci»ge of the situa- tion. He lookevl xip quite innocently at the biunoli. and then niarohevl out of the n?ooss< NeJly bit her riidiy lir-s "with vexation. •' That di-x^sji't look like the «.x>nduct of a rake. Air. Xettlebed." I\o]^r observevl. nudsjina: tlie land- lord. " He's on his guarvi now." Jonas replied ; " he's • csaxitious enough Ivfore pev>j>le. D'ye thmk V /d have t acted so. if we hadn't been by ?" " I ho'>e lie vrouid. But yoxi don't suppose your > witV ,vouid allow him to salute her T "I'd ha' Kxsed his ears soundly if he'd attemptetl aiiT such thing.'' Xelly said, overhearing the remark. "And now. Master Woixlbine," the steward said. '• we've a little business to settle together.*' "We have, sir." the young man replied. "Pm quite prepare! for yo\i.~ " Glad to hear it. Supjx"»se we Wgiu with a glass of ale. It -w-ill help us through our work. I.au^llord. a jUg of your old October." I " With all my heart, sir." Fnvnk replied, taking a chair at the table with the ste^-arvi The ale w^is speedily brought, and quite sus^n«=Ki Jonas's well-earned reputation as a brewer. "And now oblige me •^\-ith pen and ink,'' thw stewarvi said — ** and a candle, too. if you please, Mrs. Nettlebed — for it's getting dark, and we n\ight make iiilsrakes. and they don't do in money niattei^" "Money matters". Oh! it's aK'>ut money theyve m^ — ^is '♦ t I wonder who's going to r^?eeive, and w'tio THE CUSTOM OF DLNMOW. 31 to Jjftyf Nelly ritut1>fred, as she placed the inkirtand on the tnl^le and li^lited the cariflle. ^Meanwhile, Mr. Koper t'Xjk a rnetriorandurn-book out of his jKK-kfet. referred to it, and laid it down. lie next brougiit out a parcliment, and laying that down too, looked at Frank. '• Yf»u have a letter for me, landlord T the young man said. ''Be;,' pardon, blaster Woodbine," Jona.1 crie>een abstracted from the letter." "Abstracted '.' Jonas exclaimed- " I'll *z_swep lor it nothing has been abstracted in this ho>:,£j" " N<>— no — I was wrong," Fran> cried, rTmnin? Ida eye distractedly over the missive — " the rconey has not been sent." "Am I to understand „L^