ICK ABED PHEL WATTS MUMFORD IVEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th St, New Voi8> POLLYANNA "The glad play," in 3 acts. By Catherine Chisholm dish in jr. Based on the novel by Eleanor H. Porter. 5 , (.! females. 2 interiors. Costumes, modern. Plays ii'i hours. The story has to do with the experiences of an orphan girl who is tin- ; nto the home of a maiden aunt. In Dilations that beset her lift- she manages to find ..ITS light into sunless lives. J'injilly, Pollyan-' i! the love rtff:iirs of her elders, and last, but not least, timls li; elf in the heart of Jimmy. "Pollyanna" is a plad play and one which is hound ' one a b. .-iiition of people and the world. It humor, tenderness and humanity that gave the story Buch wonderful popularity :i -' and old. Produced at t! \v York, and for two sea- n tour, h; Tyler, with Helen Hayes in the part of "Pollyanua." (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. THE CHARM SCHOOL A ei'irifdy in 3 n< Mice Duer Miller and Iv M. 6 males, 10 foi. -y 5 males s females). Any number of school girls may be used in 11 ; i's. Scenes, 2 interiors. Modern costumes. L'V2 hours. The story of "The Charm School" is familiar to Mrs. Miller's ?. relates the adventures of a handsome young man, scarcely cut of his 'teens, who, upon inheriting < 1 from a maiden aunt, insists on running it g to his own ideas, chief of which is, hy the ihat the doinin;: in the education of the young <.f to-day should be CHARM. The situation ig \vitli tiumor clean, wholesome humor. In (' young man gives up the school, and prom. of his pii] a marriageable age. The nness of youth, the inspiration of an i'-a, the charm of originr.lity, and anely amusing ommend it for high scl . .1 at the Bijou Theatre, New York, th-.-n loured th. companies are now playing it in England. (Ro\ :y five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Bequest SICK ABED A FARCICAL COMEDY IN THREE ACTS BY ETHEL WATTS MUMFORD COPYRIGHT, 1914, BY ETHEL WATTS MUMFORD COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY SAMUEL FRENCH All Rights Reserved CAUTION : Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that "SICK ABED," being fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, is sub- ject to a royalty, and anyone presenting the play without the consent of the owners or their authorized agents will be liable to the penalties by law provided. Application for the acting rights must be made to Samuel French, 25 West 45th Street, New York, N. Y. NEW YORK SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER 25 WEST 45TH STREET LONDON SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET STRAND Especial notice should be taken that the possession of this book without a valid contract for production first having been obtained from the publisher, confers no right or license to professionals or amateurs to produce the play publicly or in private for gain or cnarity. In its present form this play is dedicated to the reading public only, and no performance, representation, production, recitation, public reading or radio broadcasting may be given except by special arrangement with Samuel French, 25 West 45th Street, New York. This play may be presented by amateurs upon payment of a royalty of Twenty-Five Dollars for each performance, payable to Samuel French, 25 West 45th Street, New York, one week before the date when the play is given. V, iiciiever the play is produced the following notice must appear on all programs, printing and advertising for the 'Produced by special arrangement with Samuel French of New York." .\t k cnt" the penalty provided by law for any infriiu author's rights, as follows: "Si person publicly performing or repre- senting any dramatic or musical composition for which copy- right has I, y/hhout the consent of the proprie- tor of said dramatic or musical composition, or his heirs and assigns, shall be liable for damages thereof, such damages, in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred dollars for thv first and fifty dollars for even 7 sub- sequent performance, as to the court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance and representation be wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction shall be imprisoned for a period not exceeding one year." U. S. Revised Statutes : Title 60. Chap. 3. FIRST PERFORMANCE MONDAY EVENING APRIL 22, 1918, AT GAIETY THEATRE, NEW YORK CITY KLAW & ERLANGER Present THE NE\V FARCICAL COMEDY SICK ABED BY ETHEL WATTS MUMFORD Produced Under Stage Direction of Edgar MacGregor CAST (In Order of Their Appearance) OFFICER (Specially engaged) Thomas Allyn DR. ROBERT MACKLYN George Parsons MISS HEPWORTH Julia Ralph MISS DURANT _ Mary Boland DR. WIDNER Dallas Welford DR. FLEXNER Charles E. Evans REGINALD JAY +... Edwin Nicander MR. CHALMERS Curtis Benton JOHN WEEMS John Flood SAJI .. David Burton PATRICK Edward O'Connor CONSTANCE WEEMS Mary Newcombe SYNOPSIS OF SCENES ACT I REGINALD JAY'S LIBRARY. (Intermission twelve minutes). ACT II REGINALD JAY'S SLEEPING APARTMENT. (A week later). ACT III SAME AS ACT II. (Ten minutes later). CAST OF CHARACTERS (In order of their appearance) THE IRISHMAN The Janitor SAJI The Jap Valet CONSTANCE WEEMS Weems* wife WEEMS CHALMERS DOCTOR FLEXNER DOCTOR WIDNER REGINALD JAY A young explorer Miss DURANT A nurse Miss HEPWORTH The night nurse DOCTOR ROBERT MACKLYN A specialist SICK ABED ACT I SCENE : Reginald Jay's den, door to hall up c. Large fireplace L. Door to kitchen down L. door up L. Door to bedroom R. Large low divan couch with cushions L. c. writing table and chairs R. c. Large armchair down R. Book shelves up L. and R. On shelve up R. are a large stuffed monkey, stuffed owl, collection of various skins, on small table front of bookcase is stuffed ostrich. Packing case R. of writing table. Two cases back of writing table. One case front of Ostrich. Front of couch is large wicker hamper with lid raised, facing front. Littered on the floor around hamper a pile of tissue packing paper. Chair up L. c. As the curtain rises, Saji is in hamper, hunt- ing amongst paper. Constance enters up c. looks through door R. and mysteriously looks around her. Pat's voice is heard off stage singing, as he approaches. Constance imme- diately runs to door up L. and exits, as Pat enters up c. He is wheeling a hand-truck. Comes c. and drops truck. PAT. Howly St. Patrick! I do be havin' the devil's own time in this house, with thim boxes and crates and things. Shure Mr. Jay's fair bruke the heart o' me. SAJI. Stop grouch. You get plenty tip. PAT. (Crosses to R. and gets case and places it 5 6 SICK ABED on truck) Look at that now! Throwin' that paper over the lioor, as if the place wasn't littered up enough as it is. Shure, if Mr. Jay had to kill all thim things (Indicating the stuffed animals} why didn't he lave them where they fell? It's surprised I am he ain't sent home a stuffed nayger. Him and his explorin'. SAJI. Talk, talk, do no work. (Gets out of hamper. Exit L. carrying skin which hung over basket}. PAT. (Looks gloomily at the cases R. Look at that now ! Handle with care. Handle wid care is it? Sure it's sick an' tired I am of the signs on all these boxes (Picks up packing case during this speech. Carries it to the truck} Handle wid care! (Slams box violently onto the truck SAJI enters ly L. i.) SAJI. Wa you break no PAT. (Center) Nothin' you blank an' tan hay- then. It's tired I am v/id this zoo. Shure for a year past they've been landin' boxes here from ivery steamer till me store room is full an' me furnace 's full and this room full and the hallways, an' me <\ his -\vork. It's no Janitor I am, it's a superintendent. SAJI. Superintendent. if it --vasn't for Mr. Jay tellin' me not to let a livin' soul handle these specimens but meself, shure I'd be afther dischargin' meself this blessed minute. (Puts third case on truck during latter part of this speech. Turns and looks at SAJI, who has got into the hamper and is bending down scattering paper out recklessly} What the devil are ye doin' in that basket anyway. Hey ! you look like a jack in the box, bobbing up and down. SAJI. I lose quarter dolla' change, from vest pocket when I pick out ostlich. An' I find 'im. SICK ABED 7 (Picks up quarter from inside hamper). PAT. Well, for two bits I'd throw you over the top for making me all this muss. (Starts to gather up paper, and puts it into hamper.) SAJI. More better you clean. Mr. Jay he get here pretty soon now. I get wireless yesterday. He come by ship today. Me fix aplartment. (Crosses to table R. L. and arranges writing materials.) PAT. Aw shure now it's goin' to begin again, afternoon teas and suppers and ladies all over the place. (Closes itamper. Picks up truck and starts to turn and go) SAJI. You stop make talk. And come back take out J a y's ladies no business for you. PAT. Begorry here's one of thim now. (CONSTANCE appears through door up L.) The mil ra i/e open. Thim bachelors, oh thim bachelors! (Exits wheeling truck grumbling.) CONSTANCE. (Crosses to chair L. of table.) SAJI. Oh Mrs. Weems ! CONSTANCE. Where is he? Mr. Jay! Hasn't he come? SAJI. (Crosses to L. of table) No come yet! one been here asking for him? ; i. Nobody come Mrs. Weems. AN T CE. (Moving to R. of table, sits chair) 'iank goodness ! But what's keeping him t The steamer docked hours ago. SAJI. I no know. CONSTANCE. Saji, take this five dollars. (Hands him bill) Do you know any more now? SAJI. For truth to God I no know. CONSTANCE. Oh dear, I must see him. (Tele- phone rings. Cross front of sofa. SAJI crosses to back of table, and picks up receiver.) 8 SICK ABED SAJI. Excuse please. 'Ello. No, Mr. Jay not here. Who comin' up? Mr. Weems ? CONSTANCE. (Alarmed) My husband! SAJI. Yes honorable husband. CONSTANCE. (Rises') He mustn't catch me here. Saji, quick, where shall I go? SAJI. (Goes up c. CONSTANCE runs to door R.) When he here you go kitchen. That Mr. Jay's bed- room, no good. Go wait kitchen. {Exit CONSTANCE L. i. Enter WEEMS followed by CHALMERS. WEEMS looks anxiously about, comes to c. CHALMERS to back of table.} WEEMS. Hello Saji, where's your Master? SAJI. (R. of table} He no come yet. CHALMERS. Has anyone been here asking for him? SAJI. No sir, no sir. WEEMS. (Down L. c.) Has a lady been here? SAJI. (Crosses to c.) No, sir. No woman lady been here. CHALMERS. (R. of table. Moves to c.) Saji when did you get word to expect Mr. Jay ? SAJI. (R. of WEEMS) Wireless yesterday. WEEMS. (Paces anxiously to L.) Oh why couldn't he stay in Timbuctoo ? CHALMERS. That'll do Saji, you can go. SAJI. Yes, Mr. Honorable Lawyer. (Exit up c.) WEEMS. (Crosses to R. of sofa) If this scandal breaks it will ruin me. CHALMERS. Well, why did you get into it? WEEMS. That's my business. It's your business to get me out of it. CHALMERS. (R. of table) Well it's nip and tuck if we can. Or it's going to be the most sensational divorce in years. SICK ABED 9 WEEMS. (L. of table} Well, if you can't put it over, you're not much of a lawyer. My, what is the younger generation coming to ! (Sits L. of table) CHALMERS. It isn't what the younger genera- tion's coming to, it's where the older generation went. (Standing back of table, digs WEEMS on the arm. ) WEEMS. Bosh! I tell you this is the result of calculation on my wife's part. She wants to dis- grace me. CHALMERS. So she said. WEEMS. She married me in order to divorce me. She held off to spring it until the alimony was good. CHALMERS. (Goes up and down c.) Well, couldn't you see what was coming to you, when you married that innocent young thing? WEEMS. Well ! (Rises} It's got to be stopped. The rest of her case won't hold. If she gets Reggie's testimony it's all up with me, that's what. (Crosses R. of table} CHALMERS. I must confess WEEMS. Well, you can, but I won't and Reggie shan't. CHALMERS. (L. of table} Mrs. Weems' lawyers will have Reginald Jay subpoenaed as a witness the minute they learn he's arrived. And since he couldn't locate him at the steamer, the only thing to do was to catch him here, and try to get him out of the state. WEEMS. Yes, at any cost, get him out of the state. CHALMERS. Well, it's up to you what in the world did you want to have anything to do with that little Spanish irl, Letice Montjoy for? How did you come to pick her up. WEEMS. (Sits R. of table) I didn't, she picked me up. CHALMERS. Where ? io SICK ABED WEEMS. Spain. CHALMERS. And not content with making a fool of yourself you let Reginald Jay know all about it. WEEMS. How could I help it? He turned up in Madrid, when he expressly told me he was going to Africa for big game. CHALMERS. Well he was, and he went. You can't blame him for your escapade. (Moves to c.) WEEMS. Well the fact remains, that if Con- stance ca ; ! e's ^estimony, her case falls flat. And I'll p '_. anything to stop it. (Rises and crosses to L. c. to R. of CHALMERS.) CHALMERS. I can't see why you're so utterly scared. After all, one divorce more or less WEEMS. In the first place I don't want to lose Mrs. Weems (Crosses to L. of CHALMERS.) CHALMERS. Oh, you still love her. WEEMS. Damn fine woman my wife. And besides I won't have this affair aired, that's all. CHALMERS. Why this affair? You haven't made a clean breast of it and I'm your lawyer. WEEMS. Well, the fact is bat is it WEEMS. Why, it'll all come out. CHALMERS. What'll come out ? . that damn little Spanish girl I met i 'sh I'd never se. eyes on her. CHALMERS. (R. of WEEMS) Well, you've set eyes before and it didn't trouble you. WEEMS. The eyes are different in Spain. CHALMERS. What's the matter with this one? WEEMS. The hussy. Nothing too good for her. to have the King's box at the Opera. The bridal suite at the hotel, and I let her have 'em too, usand. Then she goes and CHALMERS. And what? 1 MS. Shakes me, that's what. SICK ABED ii CHALMERS. Oh, so that's it? She left you flat when she saw something younger. WEEMS. Just put yourself in my place. CHALMERS. Not on your life! (Crosses to R. of table) I've some self respect left. WEEMS. (Crosses to L. of table) Oh indeed! Permit me to say you've more self-respect than intelligence. Look how you bungled this thing. CHALMERS. (R. of table) Now see here, Weems, if I bungled this it's because I'm doing my best with a case I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. But for my fool friendship for you. Now, I've got this get-away all planned and if that fails I've arranged the other thing. And the chances are that Mrs. Weems doesn't know he's coming anyway. But the thing that's worrying me is will Jay go thru with it for you? WEEMS. (L. of table) Of course he will. Am I not his guardian? Didn't I treble his inheritance for him? And I'm leaving him a portion of my estate. Wasn't his father my best friend? CHALMERS. I know, but this is serious. (Crosses down R.) WEEMS. Nonsense, I've only to ask him and he'll jump through. JAY. (Off stage) Hello, hello, hello, hello! CHALMERS. There he comes ! PAT. (Off stage) Welcome home, Mr. Jay! (SAji enters L. i. smiling and running to door up c.) SAJI. He come he come (Exit up c.) WEEMS. (Crosses to R. of hamper) Now you keep off. I'll handle this. JAY. (Off stage) Well, well, Saji, old reprobate how goes it ! (Enters up c. carrying two grips, a steamer rug over his shoulder, followed by SAJI carrying grip, and PAT, also carrying a grip. JAY 12 SICK ABED puts grips down up c. crosses to WEEMS) Why, guardy, this is decent of you. Honest, I do appre- ciate it. And Mr. Chalmers too. (Crosses to CHALMERS, shakes hands.} CHALMERS. Glad to see you. JAY. This does make a real home-coming. (SAji picks up grips, takes them down R.) WEEMS. So you got here at last. It's about time. (Moves to c.) (PAT picks up remaining grip and carries them Off up L.) JAY. It sure is ! I'm glad I'm back in little old New York. (Crosses to R. of hamper, L. of WEEMS) Here, tell Pat to take that hamper down to the cellar, and Saji, take my grip to my room. SAJI. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. (Picks up suit-case, it flies open and spills contents. Among contents is framed photograph of girl.} JAY. Lord, you're just as careless as ever. SAJI. So sorry. Oh, I break glass, on pretty lady's picture. (He picks up picture and shows it to JAY.) JAY. Sh sh -Go on, get out of here, never mind pretty lady. (Takes picture from SAJI, slips it -under cushion, R. end of sofa} 'es sir, yes sir. (Gathers up grip and articles and exits L. i.) WEEMS. See here, Reginald, why didn't you let me know you were on your way home? I'd have met you down !he Bay. JAY. You would? Say, I'd never have thought you'd fro out of your way like that, for me. Honest ! C.) I've been half out of my mind, hanging around here waiting. I'm a nervous wreck. SICK ABED 13 JAY. (L. of WEEMS) You weren't a nervous wreck in Spain. Say, I haven't seen you since since we met in Madrid. WEEMS. Oh, Madrid! JAY. Glad to see you back safe and sound. The way you were hitting the high spots there, you had me sort of worried, naughty, naughty ! CHALMERS. (R. of WEEMS) Eh? WEEMS. That's just what I've got to talk to you about. JAY. Well? WEEMS. Reginald JAY. Why the bassoon voice? Gout? WEEMS. Well, the fact is you see I want to tell you er er JAY. Yes? WEEMS. (To CHALMERS) You tell him. (Crosses up back of table and down R.) CHALMERS. (Crosses to R. of JAY c.) The fact is, Mr. Jay, in your absence there has been an un- fortunate family complication. JAY. Family complication? WEEMS. It's Constance. JAY. (Crosses to L. of table) Constance? WEEMS. She wants to divorce me. JAY. Not a divorce! CHALMERS. And we need your co-operation. JAY. Why mine ? ''. VJ-.KMS. (Sits R. of table) She had a detective follow me. Oh my er business trip, through Spain. JAY. Business trip ! You mean pleasure trip, Guardy, well ? WEEMS. Well, in short, she's learned from her detective's report that you could give her all the testimony she needs JAY. I? WEEMS. Yes. 14 SICK ABED CHALMERS. You ! JAY. Oh say now (Rises') WEEMS. (Rises, crosses to R. of JAY) My boy, she must not have your evidence. JAY. But if the detective got the evidence, why does she need me? CHALMERS. She can't use his evidence. The detective suddenly died. JAY. (To CHALMERS) Oh, not murder! (To Y\'EEMS) I didn't think you had the nerve. WEEMS. No no (Moves to R.) Nothing of the sort. But listen (Steps to R. of JAY) I want a few weeks leeway JAY. What are you going to do, murder Constance ? \\EEMS. No, you damn fool! Ci are letters. JAY. Letters ? CHALMERS. Yes. WEEMS. Constance has had an affair. JAY. I won't believe it, I know Constance. CHALMERS. We have seen copies of letters. Compromising, very ! JAY. Oh foolishness! She's just a sentimental, little romancer, that's all. WEEMS. And I'm negotiating for the originals, and then a countersuit. (Crosses to down R.) JAY. Oh I say I wouldn't do that. Constance is as good as gold. Don't go dragging her in. It's so darned easy to queer a woman's reputation. WKKMS. How about my reputation? JAY. You haven't got any. Just let the case go on trial and I'll go on the stand and lie out of it for you. You can blame it all on me if you want to. Letice and I were seen together. WEEMS. Letice ! (CHALMERS crosses to R. of sofa, lifts cushion and looks at picture) SICK ABED 15 JAY. Yes! WEEMS. You're darned familiar. JAY. Well, we became good friends. WEEMS. Why you sneered at her. JAY. Oh no, I didn't. (Sits front of table) WEEMS. Besides, no, it won't do. JAY. Now, let me go on the stand and testify. I'll lie you out of it. CHALMERS. (Steps to L. of JAY) You wouldn't last through the first round. (Crosses to sofa and unnoticed gets the picture from underneath the cushions} JAY. How do you suppose I've lived to be thirty- two if 1 couldn't lie like a gentleman? WEEMS. You mustn't lie like a gentleman. You must lie like a liar. (Sits R. of table) CHALMERS. (Advancing towards c. holding picture behind back) All right, you think you can lie in court. Very well, I'll cross-examine you. JAY. Oh, give me a little rehearsal, eh ? CHALMERS. Just take the oath, please. QAY raises his left hand) Shift hands. Whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God. JAY. (Sits L. of table raising R. hand) So help me God. CHALMERS. Now if they ask you where you were, where were you in October, 1916? JAY. October, let's see. (Looks uneasily at WEEMS) I'll have to say I was in Spain. CHALMERS. Why ? JAY. Because such a lot of people knew about it. WEEMS. But er JAY. I've got to say Spain because I sent back such a lot of post cards. Everybody knows. CHALMERS. Answer. Where? JAY. Oh everywhere. Ronda, Madrid, Barce- lona, Seville, the regular thing. CHALMERS. Did you see Mr. Weems, the defen- 1 6 SICK ABED dant, in Madrid? (Points to WEEMS) JAY. No I did not. CHALMERS. You didn't? JAY. I didn't. (Looks around for congratula- tion on his lie) How's that? CHALMERS. Be careful. You were both regis- tered at the Hotel Casa Grande on October the I4th. JAY. Oh very well then. I'll make it a glimpse, a glimpse. CHALMERS. He was alone? JAY. Regular Robinson Crusoe. CHALMERS. Then why did he have the bridal suite ? JAY. Do I have to answer that? CHALMERS. Yes. JAY. Oh um she (WEEMS excidedly inter- rupts and JAY corrects himself) he asked me to stop with him for a few days. (Winks at WEEMS. CHALMERS looks at JAY) CHALMERS. You said you only glimpsed JAY. You're so persistent. CHALMERS. Now, one more question. Do you know a lady named Letice Montjoy? JAY. Never heard of her. CHALMERS. (Crosses to get picture from sofa) Indeed! Then why was her picture in your grip with this written on it. "From Letice to Reggie." (Hands picture to JAY) WEEMS. (Rises) What! What does she mean by giving you that picture? (Steps to R. of JAY and snatches photo) JAY. Well, why shouldn't she give me her picture? (Rises) WEEMS. Well, why should she ? JAY. If you can give me one reason why she shouldn't WEEMS. Look here are you the man she shook me for. SICK ABED 17 JAY. No! WEEMS. Did she follow you to Barcelona? JAY. No, she did not. (Crosses to L. to R. of hamper) WEEMS. I think it's a mighty curious thing. JAY. Oh I knew you would, that's why I tried to hide it. (Crosses to L. c.) WEEMS. (Follows JAY) Ha, so you tried to hide it. JAY. Of course I did, I knew you'd think the worst. WEEMS. And I'm always right. CHALMERS. (Steps between WEEMS and JAY) Most unfortunately I'm convinced of Mr. Jay's innocence. WEEMS. Innocence ! CHALMERS. And this is no time to drag in the co-respondent. JAY. (To CHALMERS) You did that! CHALMERS. The fact remains, you can't testify without ruining the case (JAY moves to hamper} WEEMS. Oh hang Letice. Reginald, you've got to see me through. Listen, I suspect something. But I've got a plan. All I ask of you is three weeks. (Steps to R. of JAY) JAY. (Sits on hamper) Three weeks? That sounds awful. Say, why can't I just beat it out of the state? CHALMERS. (Crossing down R.) Don't worry, you're going. WEEMS. Immediately, before they get to you to subpoena you as a witness. (Crosses to L. of table} JAY. Gee, this is a happy home-coming. (Enter PROCESS SERVER.) 18 SICK ABED PROCESS SERVER. (Looks around and picks out WEEMS; crosses to him) Beg pardon, you are Mr. Reginald Jay ? WEEMS. (Haughtily; points to JAY) Certainly not. There is Mr. Jay. PROCESS SERVER. (Crosses to JAY, hands him a document) Here's a subpoena. Weems versus Weems, Sorry. Good day. (Exits up c. Dead silence till exit of PROCESS SERVER) JAY. He's sorry it's a good day. WEEMS. It's come! CHALMERS. That settles it. WEEMS. You must leave the state and stay out. CHALMERS. But when he returns they'll put him in jail. WEEMS. Jail! Oh Lord, he wouldn't be safe there ! JAY. (Down R. c. to front of table'} Now, Guardy I'd like to help you but I won't go to Jail. CHALMERS. (To R. of table) Well, then, (Rises) you've got to go to bed ! JAY. Go to bed ! Who, me ? CHA-.MERS. (L. of table) Yes! I've gone over the whole matter. It's the only other way. We were going to try to get you out of the state but I was sure we'd have to do the sick thing, and I arranged it. You've got to be sick abed. JAY. Like hell ! I'll do nothing of the kind. (Crosses to R.) , WEEMS. (Toe.) Oh Lord. CHALMERS. (Back of table) Well, it's happen- ed. There wasn't a chance in a million we'd get by. (Moves to c.) JAY. What is all this ? WEEMS. (Crosses to L. of JAY) They can't make you testify if you're too ill. JAY. But I'm not ill. SICK ABED 19 CHALMERS. (Crosses to c.) But you've got to be. WEEMS. For God's sake, Reginald don't you understand, you've got to be taken so desperately ill, that you can't even make a deposition. ( JAY front of armchair R. ) JAY. (R.) Hah! I suppose I caught the jungle fever from a baby elephant. (WEEMS crosses to c.) CHALMERS. The attack must take place now, at once, immediately. (Crosses back of table, picks up phone) I'll phone the doctors. They're wait- ing. I told them to hold themselves in readiness for an immediate call and communicate with their nurses. Hello give me Plaza 1341. WEEMS. (Crosses to sofa and picks up hat) Chalmers, are you able to trust those doctors? Do they thoroughly understand? (JAY sits armchair down R.) CHALMERS. I only had time to barely outline the case, but you told me to go as far as I liked with the fees. I explained that thoroughly. JAY. You would. WEEMS. (R. of sofa) I told you it was worth $10,000 to me to stop this thing. Make it twenty and split it any way you please. CHALMERS. Hello hello (Glancing at his watch) WEEMS. This will have to be cash, of course. (Puts cap on and prepares to leave) CHALMERS. Certainly Oh hello, is this you, 20 SICK ABED Dr. Flexner? This is Chalmers. Will you have Dr. Widner at your office in ten minutes? Yes, the patient, the one I mentioned. (Looks uncan- ingly at JAY) Thank you. (Goes up c. gets hat from chair in hallway and returns to c.) JAY. (Rises) Oh say ! I'm not going to come home and go right to bed. I've got a poker party tonight. WEEMS. Listen ! It's vitally important to me it's only a matter of gaining time. JAY. Oh but how about me ? WEEMS. How about me? Reginald, you owe me some return for my devotion, haven't I been a father to you? JAY. (Front of table R. c.) Oh, go to it. I suppose I've got to. WEEMS. (Cross to L. of JAY. Puts arm about JAY) My boy, I knew I could depend on you. Pull this off for me and it means another trip round the world for you. (Crosses to c.) CHALMERS. We must go at once. We haven't a moment to lose. (Goes up c. Both WEEMS and CHALMERS move up towards the door) WEEMS. (Goes up c.) Don't you dare leave this house. JAY. (Crosses quickly up c. to R. of door) Can't I even go out ? (They cxi. and stand at half closed doors up c.) CHALMERS. (SAJI enters L. i.) Go back, go back. WEEMS. Tell the janitor you're ill and send Saji for champagne. CHALMERS. Go back and lock everybody out. JAY. Oh I say, Guardy. CHALMERS. Go back! SICK ABED 2i (JAY up c. They shut the door in his face. CHAL- MERS and WEEMS Exeunt. JAY comes down to L. of chair L. of table disconsolately) SAJI. Mr. Jay! I so glad you back. (JAY sits L. of table. SAJI crosses to c.) Excuse please you go out tonight to club, eh ? You play poker ? JAY. Club ! . I can't go out. SAJI. (Pointing to JAY'S face) Oh Mr. Jay, you look velly sick in the face. JAY. What! SAJI. You much better go bed. JAY. (Rises, leads SAJI up c.) Don't you start that too. You go out, lock the door and don't let anybody in. I'll lock myself in my room. I want to be alone. (Bus. of locking door as CONSTANCE enters, turns, starts down c., sees CONSTANCE and returns to door alarmed) CONSTANCE. (Crosses to c.) Reggie! (Pushing up her veil} JAY. (Starts to go up to doors, then cosses down R. to back of table. CONSTANCE follows JAY up c. Then to L. of table) Oh Constance! Shoo, shoo, you don't know what you're doing. (CONSTANCE comes to chair L. of table.) CONSTANCE. Indeed I do. Reggie you've sim- ply got to help me. I know my husband's been here talking to you. It's just like him to try and influence you appeal to your sympathies I knew he would, but you're going to help me to get that divorce. {Crosses back of table to R. of it) JAY. (Backing away from CONSTANCE) Now, s'ee here, Constance I can't help you. On my soul, I hnozv. Hang it all'! I can't turn on Weems he's my guardian. Now, Constance, be a sport. (R. of 22 SICK ABED table. CONSTANCE to R. of it, kneels on chair and puts arm round JAY. He R. of her, tries to draw away) CONSTANCE. I am, and it's my turn to have some sport. Oh, Reggie ! Why did you run off to Africa just when I needed you? (Grabs his hand) I could have got this divorce a year ago. Think of all the wasted time. Reggie ! JAY. (Backing away) You don't want a divorce. Have a heart. CONSTANCE. It's because I have a heart! JAY. And you'd haul that poor old boy's little vacations right out before everybody, and spoil his whole young future. CONSTANCE. What about mine? Reggie, how can you! (CONSTANCE grabs JAY'S L. hand. He swings down and crosses to L. of chair and L. of ta- ble, puts chair between him and her. She holding his hand goes to chair and kneels on it) You you used to be considerate of me. (Kneels on chair) You used to be sorry for me. You said yourself, I was ill-treated. You said, oh, you know what you said ! (She hangs on to his neck, he ducks and tries to get away and each time he ducks down, she lifts him up by the neck) JAY. No now, I didn't. I don't say you've had a square deal exactly CONSTANCE. (Kneeling on the chair L. of table) Well, I mean to have one now, yes, I do ! JAY. I I tell you, Constance I'm I'm not strong enough. I've had Jungle fever; I've had a relapse. I Constance get someone else to do this job there must be plenty of others oh, hang it! What am I saying ! Let me out of it Lord ! You can't make a woman understand ! CONSTANCE. It's a man who won't understand. SICK ABED 23 Reggie dear, for old time's sake (Puts arms round JAY'S neck) JAY. Oh, Lord ! How would I look helping you get a divorce from father's friend, my own guar- dian ! Don't you see ? Why, I couldn't look a soul in the eye. CONSTANCE. (Soulfully) You could look me in the eye. JAY. Well, I couldn't spend the rest of my life looking you in the eye now, could I ? CONSTANCE. (Sentimentally tries to pull him dose to her} Why not? JAY. (Breaks away and crosses to front of hamper) Don't be silly. I've got to be loyal. Why can't you? CONSTANCE. (Following to R. of basket} Be- cause my husband wasn't Reggie, (Crosses to R. of basket) Don't be a Don Quixote. We've got to think for ourselves in this world. (Possessively) JAY. Well, but I am. CONSTANCES Well, think about me and our beau- tiful romance. JAY. Our beautiful romance? CONSTANCE. Don't pretend you don't rememr ber our wonderland. (Draws JAY down on hamper) JAY. Oh, forget it ! (Sits L. end of basket) CONSTANCE. As though anything could be so beautiful. (Settles herself on hamper R. of JAY Sentimentally) As the Alice in Wonderland ball when you were dressed as Tweedledum and I was Tweedledee ? JAY. (Melting) Oh er yes Jolly good champagne they served that night good spread, too. CONSTANCE. (Pulling herself closer to JAY) Don't you remember after supper in the conser- vatory ? 24 SICK ABED JAY. After supper awfully good vintage. CONSTANCE. Don't you remember how we ex- changed rings so delightfully medieval and ro- matic, wasn't it? JAY. Gad yes and I never returned it, did I? Rotten careless of me. CONSTANCE. (Puts arm around JAY'S neck) \Vhy should you? Don't you remember, we made a pact. JAY. A pact? (mystified) A pact? CONSTANCE. That when either needed the other we were to send the ring just like a fairy tale? JAY. That was wonderful champagne that night. CONSTANCE. (Intensely) Reggie - - here (Holding out her hand on which is the ring) is the ring. JAY. H'm. So it is. That was the best ring I ever had. CONSTANCE. Reggie, you won't spoil our fairy- tale? (She holds his hand, JAY strokers her hand) hep you, but my dear girl, don't you see I can't ! JAY. Oh Lord ! Constance I I wish I could help you, but my dear girl, don't you see I can't ! CONSTANCE. Don't you remember you promised. JAY. (Brightly, with a new inspiration) Now, listen, Constance. I'll tell you what I will do. I'll see if I can get your Old Boy to frame up some- thing else, and let us all get out of it easily. CONSTANCE. But he won't. (Withdraws her hand He continues to stroke his own hand) No, it won't do. He's perfectly capable of claiming illusion. Reggie, don't you want me to get a divorce. Don't you want your little Tweedledee to be happy (She puts her arm around him) JAY. Of course, of course I want to see you happy. You ought to be happy. SICK ABED 25 CONSTANCE. Then- JAY. Confound it, Constance. Your lawyers Tiave subpoenaed me. (Takes subpoena out of pocket} Now you promise to call them off and I'll see what I can do with Weems. There's a good Dee dee. CONSTANCE. My Dum dum. (Removes her hat and rests her head on JAY'S shoulder) WEEMS. (Voice heard off stage) Saji, tell Mr. Jay I am here. (JAY rises and brushes the powder from his coat. CONSTANCE rises.) CONSTANCE. Oh ! Familiar voice. (SAji enters up c.) SAJI. Excuse please, Mr. Weems at door CONSTANCE. (Alarmed) My husband! JAY. Weems! CONSTANCE. Oh don't let him see me (Crosses quickly to R. c. JAY quickly follows her) JAY. Thai's my bedroom. You can't go in there. CONSTANCE. I don't care if it is. JAY. Well, I do. (Catches hold of her, drags her to L.) Go in there. (Runs CONSTANCE off L. I Turns to SAJI) Saji, show him in. CONSTANCE. (At the door) Reggie, you prom- ised to help me JAY. (Hustling her off) I'll make him agree to a frame-up for all our sakes. Keep this door shut. (Pushes her off; shuts the door. Crosses up c. Direcily JAY leaves the door CONSTANCE enters again) CONSTANCE. Oh Reggie, I want to hear. (Goes 26 SICK ABED to hamper, opens lid, and gets in with a giggle. In closing the lid after her, her blue ostrich feather gets caught, and protrudes under the lid. JAY and 'WEEMS enter talking} JAY. (Taking WEEMS L. arm, coming down c) Now see here, Guardy, I've been thinking. I want to talk this over with you. Suppose you frame up something or other and let Constance WEEMS. (R. of JAY) Impossible, impossible! JAY. It's being done. Now see here, Weems, I tell you listen, I've a plan. WEEMS. All I need is a little time, and (Sud- denly notices the blue ostrich feather sticking out of hamper) Good heavens! What have you got in that basket? (Points to it. JAY turns and sees the feathers) JAY. What! Oh Oh (Collecting himself) Oh, that! T th that's an ostrich WEEMS. An ostrich? JAY. Yes, a live, blue ostrich. WEEMS. A blue ostrich ! (Starts to cross to the basket. JAY intercepts him) JAY. Oh keep away from that! She's wild, and he's blue. WEEMS. Whoever heard of a blue ostrich. JAY. Oh it's very rare. Very ostrichazura. WEEMS. Dear me, how interesting. Ostriches- azura. (Crosses to L. of JAY and again tries to lift the lid. JAY grabs his arm and swings him to c.) JAY. (R. of WEEMS) Now see here, Weems, I beg, I implore you to let Constance obtain the di- vorce on some non-committal ground. Say cruelty, or habitual drunkenness. WEEMS. Reginald, understand me once and for all, I will not free Constance, to make me ridi- culous, by marrying the whippersnapper. JAY. Whippersnapper ? SICK ABED 27 WEEMS. I simply will not. Opprobrium, while I don't court it, I can combat, but not ridicule. JAY. What do you mean Whippersnapper ? WEEMS. I mean that Constance is infatuated. JAY. I don't believe it. I know Constance. No sir, nothing like that. WEEMS. I tell you it's so. (He moves up L. c. Lid of basket raises and closes as WEEMS turns down stage. JAY staggers as he sees lid open} She as good as admitted it JAY. What did she say? WEEMS. She called me an old nut. (Crosses down L. c.) JAY. Oh that's mere married persiflage. WEEMS. She taunted me. JAY. How ? WEEMS. She said she didn't intend to be an old man's slave all her life, when she could be a young man's darling. (Moves to L. of JAY. Com- fidentially} She informed me, she knew a young man who would play Tweedledum to her Twee- diedee. Ha, ha ! Her Tweedledum indeed. (Crosses to R. c. JAY registers amazement. Lid of basket slowly rises. JAY terrified, leans against table} What do you think of that? (WEEMS goes down R. JAY crosses to WEEMS as PAT enters, with truck} JAY. Sh, the Janitor ! PAT. That black and tan haythen told me to come for the basket. And by the same token if it wasn't for yerself Mr. Jay, I'd not be takin' orders from the loikes o' him. (Puts truck down alongside the hamper. JAV crosses to help him with the basket. PAT tries to lift it} Say, that Japanese told me this was empty. JAY. (Holding his hand on the lid as he helps to lift} Now be very careful with this. 28 SICK ABED (Hamper moves. PAT jumps away alarmed.} PAT. Oh, it moves. What's in it? JAY. An ostrich. Handle with care and don't put that over the bumps. PAT. Wid care is it? D'ye know where this is going, with me store room full, and me furnace room full it do be goin' to the sub cellar, that b where it's going. (Exit PAT wheeling off the ham- per. JAY follows him up c. ad lib till off) JAY. (Up c. Sways against door frame) Ohi if that basket had stayed a minute longer I believe I'd have fainted. (Comes down, sits on sofa) WEEMS. Why? JAY. Why? Why? Oh, why! WEEMS. Why, you're acting as if you were JAY. Well, didn't you ask me to be ill ? (Enter CHALMERS with FLEXNER and WIDNER up c. CHALMERS enters first and goes to up end of table. FLEXNER follows and crosses down to L. of WEEMS at front of table. WIDNER fol- lows down c. FLEXNER moves a step to R. c. as WIDNER shakes hands with WEEMS) CHALMERS. Mr. Weems, the doctors, allow me, "Dr. Flexner. (Back of table) FLEXNER. (To c.) Ah Mr. Weems delighted, I remember you very well. DR. WIDNER. Delighted. (Shakes hands) WEEMS. (As he shakes hands with WIDNER) Gentlemen you must find this an odd consultation. WIDNER. (c.) Where, may I ask, is the patient ? CHALMERS. (Who has moved to L. c. indicating JAY) This is the patient. SIGK ABED 29 (WIDNER and FLEXNER look at JAY and then at each other.} JAY. I'm pleased to meet you, but I'm hopeful we can adjust this without your services. If Mr. Weems will only CHALMERS. (At the R. end of sofa) You will have to be guided by me. FLEXNER. A very excellent adviser. (Crossing to L. c. to R. of sofa) I have had the pleasure of knowing Mr. Chalmers for years. Mr. Chalmers, I have every confidence WEEMS. Be seated, gentlemen. (CHALMERS gets chair from up c. and places it c. Sits R. of table. WIDNER sits L. of table. FLEXNER sits L. of WEEMS.) CIIAT.MERS. (Crosses to back of table) Let's get down to business. The fact is as I have told you, Mrs. Weems wants a divorce. WIDNER. I am thoroughly opposed to divorce for ethical reasons. FLEXNER. No family physician could feel other- wise. CHALMERS. To assist in preventing a divorce is a worthy act. WEEMS. And I have just come from the Bank. (JAY rises f and paces nervously up and down) JAY. Where the fees come from. FLEXNER. (Looks at JAY then at WIDNER, then back to JAY) Upon my soul, Mr. Jay, you do look badly. JAY. Do I? CHALMERS. Mr. Weems I think we had best be going. WEEMS. Why? 30 SICK ABED CHALMERS. It wouldn't do to have it known that \ve were here, when the attack took place. JAY. The attack ! (Sits sofa} WEEMS. Yes, yes, I see. (Rises and crosses to "R. of chair, R. of table) FLEXNER. (Rising) I don't wish to appear mercenary, but just a word with regard to fees. { WEEMS goes up R. He hands money to FLEXNER, then comes down and hands money to WIDNER. WIDNER moves to R. of table.) CHALMERS. (Comes to R. of sofa. FLEXNER re- places chair up c.) I hope you fully understand the gravity of the situation. JAY. Do I? CHALMERS. Well, don't forget it. WEEMS. (Crosses to JAY) Good bye, my boy. If the worst comes to the worst. (Shakes his hand) God bless you. {JAY turns and watches WEEMS off. CHALMERS goes up c., exits with WEEMS. DR. WIDNER down R., FLEXNER up c. JAY sitting sofa) WIDNER. (R.) How's the patient, eh? FLEXNER. Now we had best proceed with the diagnosis. (WIDNER walks down c. then up to R. cf sofa, keeping his eyes on JAY. FLEXNER walks down L. JAY looks from one to the other with suspicion) WIDNER. (R. of sofa) We will prepare a list of your symptoms which you must memorize. We have decided on nervous prostration. JAY. Why nervous prostration? FLEXNER. (L. of sofa) Because it's absolutely SICK ABED 31 impossible to prove you haven't got it. See the point ? WIDNER. If you say you have fainting spells. Dizziness a desire to scream, bursts of laughter, who's to prove you haven't ? FLEXNER. Besides I have a clinical thermome- ter that always registers 104. (Taking out ther- mometer} JAY. Why 104? FLEXNER. 104 is hope without certainty. WIDNER. But you must remember to be sick. JAY. Do you know of some prominent under- taker? FLEXNER. Leave all that to us. JAY. (Rises and crosses to L. of table R. c.) I will. All right, I'll be ill. I'll have mumps, chick- enpox, measles, shingles. But not nervous prostra- tion ! (Crosses to front of table L. FLEXNER to c.) WIDNER. (Moves a step to L. of JAY) You have got to have sinking spells. JAY. (Sits L. of table) I've just had one. FLEXNER. Sudden pains, restlessness Of course you can't go out. JAY. But lots of prostrates go out. WIDNER. But you can't or you could go to Court. Why, you're too ill even to make a deposition. JAY. Am I ? WIDNER. You will be. (Looks meaningly at FLEXNER) Even in this apartment, you have to go in an invalid chair. I've left orders at my sani- tarium to have one sent over. FLEXNER. How about your nurse? JAY. But I don't want a nurse. Can't I be dying without a nurse ? WIDNER. They always go with dying. JAY. (Crosses to R. of table) Then I don't 32 SICK ABED want a nurse. I won't have it ! Let Saji take care of me. FLEXNER. But my dear sir it won't do It would have no verisimilitude. (Crosses to behind chair L. of table. WIDNER crosses up round table to down R. of table} JAY. I don't want any veri-similitude ; and I won't have a nurse. They're all tyrants. WIDNER. Not at all, Air. Jay, not at all. JAY. They are too. Lemon-faced, sour old maids, all of them. FLEXNER. I assure you WIDNER. The day nurse may be here at any moment. (Moves to R. of JAY) JAY. Oh Lord ! FLEXNER. (To L. of JAY, who sits R. of table} Come on now, take your collar and shoes off and get ready for the nurse. (WIDNER and FLEXNER start taking off his shoes WIDNER R. and FLEXNER L. of JAY) JAY. But hang it, get me an orderly, I don't want a nurse. (They remove his shoes and collar and hustle him off R. WIDNER stands at the door as JAY and FLEXNER move to door} I tell you I can stand anything but that I loathe nurses. They all smell of ether. FLEXNER. No, they don't. JAY. Yes, they do too. I've smelt 'em. I'm not. sick, oh, I'm dying! (Door closes. As WIDNER stands at the door Miss DURANT enters up c. and comes down c. look- ing about her.} Miss DURANT. Oh, Dr. Widner, you left word for me to come right up and the door was blocked SICK ABED 33 open and nobody about, so I came on in. I hope it was all right. WIDNER. (Crosses to front of table R. of Miss DURANT) Oh quite, nurse. Quite. I want to explain a little about this case. It's prostration. He doesn't realize his condition. Or rather only at in- tervals. He thinks he's perfectly well and then he thinks he's dying. He er has hallucinations imagines he's involved in some sort of conspiracy don't be surprised at anything he may say or do. JAY'S VOICE. (Heard off) Take your hands out of my pocket. WIDNER. Fancies he's being robbed. (Looks thoughtfully toivards the door R.) I wonder! You must be gentle with him but very firm. Absolute necessity for him is quiet. Under no circumstances must he see anyone, except his guardian, Mr. Weems and Mr. Chalmers, his lawyer. Otherwise positively no one, you understand? Miss DURANT. Yes, doctor, I understand. (Moves to front of sofa. Loud commotion comes from bedroom R. as JAY enters wrapped in dressing gown. He walks backwards, talking to FLEXNER, inho follows him) JAY. (Crosses to c. to L. of WIDNER. FLEXNER R. of WIDNER) Be reasonable, can't you? Remem- ber I'm as well as anybody. I'll agree to stay put, but I'm hanged if I'll stand for all this other bunk. And I positively will not have a nurse. (He turns and catches sight of Miss DURANT) Who is this lady? FLEXNER. Your nurse, Miss Durant. JAY. I'm sick. I'm dying. I want a nurse. Miss DURANT. (Humoring him) Yes, yes. JAY. (Crosses to Miss DURANT with outstretched arms. She leads him and seats him on R. end of sofa) Oh, I'm so glad you've come. Oh good, 34 SICK ABED kind, lovely nurse, oh, don't move, you're not go- ing to leave me ? Miss DURANT. (Standing R. of JAY) Why no, certainly not. I never disappoint my doctors. JAY. (R. end of sofa, holding on to Nurse) You'll surely stay? It's one of my symptoms. I take violent likes and dislikes. What did you say your name was? Miss DURANT. Miss Durant. JAY. Miss Durant. Have you a first name? Miss DURANT. Georgina. JAY. Georgina beautiful name! Miss DURANT. I'm glad you like it. FLEXNER. (To CHALMERS) This begins to look like a case ! WIDNER. Yes. Now, Miss Durant (Miss DURANT turns to c.) JAY. Oh oh ouch ! My head oh, it's com- ing off oh, oh hold it on for me hold it on. (Miss DURANT at arm of sofa. FLEXNER goes up <:. to ring bell. WIDNER then moves over to L. of CHALMERS. She takes his head in her hands, and he subsides purring) Miss DURANT. (WIDNER going away a step up c. Miss DURANT putting hands on JAY'S fore- head, moving back of him) There does that help? JAY. (Smiling) Does it help? It feels like victory on a capital dome. FLEXNER. (Crosses to R. of Miss DURANT) I'm araid you'll have to humor him, Miss Durant ! (Goes up c. to ring bell) JAY. Oh oh don't take your hand off it's loosening again, oh! (Taking down one hand and looking at it. FLEXNER moves a step L. of WID- SICK ABED 35 NER) Why, what a beautiful hand. Did you bring your trunk? Miss DURANT. Oh no, just my grip ! SAJI. (Enters L. i. Crosses to L. of JAY) Ex- cuse please. Somebody ling? JAY. Oh, that you, Saji? This is Miss Durant, my nurse. (SAji looks disgusted at Miss DURANT.) SAJI. (Amazed} Much better get honorable man nurse. JAY. (SAji looks') That will be about all from you, Saji. Take Miss Durant's grip to her room. Miss Durant will have the red room and the little sun-parlor. SAJI. Yes, sir. (Picks up grip and starts to go, then turns} Oh, excuse please Man jus' bling baby carriage. Who for? JAY. (Looks slowly at WIDNER. Miss DURANT still holding his forehead} Am I going to have a baby? (All register} WIDNER. Miss DURANT moves L. and back of JAY) It's the invalid chair - FLEXNER. Send it in. (Moving up c. back of lable to R. Sits R. of table} WIDNER. (Crosses to R. of Miss DURANT) Now, Mr. Jay, you must remember you are to be quiet. (To Miss DURANT) Nurse, he is not to receive visitors under any pretext whatever. Nurse, give him your best attention. (Sits L. of table and Miss DURANT. I understand. JAY. I feel I'm going to be sick for a long time ( WIDNER to up R. of JAY.) 36 SICK ABED Miss DURANT. Oh no you're not. JAY. Oh, yes I am. I feel it coming on. (Enter PAT wi:k zvheel chair to c.) PAT. (Looks at JAY and Miss DURANT) For the love o' heaven, what next? (JAY looks at if, disgus'edly, then leaps up clutch- ing at Miss DURANT.) JAY. Oh there's my little chair. (WIDNER L. of table and writes, sitting, and FLEX- NER to R. of table sits and writes.} Miss DURANT. It's very comfortable. JAY. I want to get into my chair ! ( Gets in and wheels L.) Who wants a Buick? (At once starts wheeling it down to L. Nurse to L. c.) PAT. He's not an explorer, he's a nut. (Exits muttering "He's a nut"} WIDNER. (To R. of Nurse, who is L. c.) Now, Miss Durant, here is the regime he is to follow. (Sits L. of table and writes JAY turns his chair and faces to c.) FLEXNER. (Crosses up back of table down to L. of nurse, hands her prescription} Have this made up. WIDNER. Rest, quiet, isolation, no excitement, no noise, no interviews ! Miss DURANT. (Crosses to front of sofa to R. of JAY) I understand, a low diet. (Crosses back of sofa, puts prescription on mantel, then to L. of sofa and puts pillow at JAY'S back in chair) JAY. (Loudly) No! (Warn bell.} SICK ABED 37 FLEXNER. (L. of table. Holding up restraining hand to JAY) Unless his temperature rises, he may eat freely. (Crosses to front of sofa R. of nurse) JAY. And drink and drink? WIDNER. It would be unwise to break suddenly into a well established habit. GAY looks at win- dow} A highball champagne, when weak. FLEXNER. (To WIDNER) He may sit up for his evening meal, don't you think? WIDNER. I'm opposed to nourisment taken when reclining. (JAY sits up straight} Now, Miss Durant, gentle but firm. (Crosses to c. to R. of Miss DURANT) FLEXNER. (FLEXNER and WIDNER go up c.) Good day, Mr. Jay, good day, Miss Durant. We may, I think, safely leave him to the progress of his malady. WIDNER. Yes, yes, let nature take its course. FLEXNER. We hope for the best. WIDNER. But prepare for the worst. (Exeunt WJDNER and FLEXNER up c.) (Miss DURANT moves to L. of JAY. Starts to wheel him to R.) JAY. Solitude for two. Miss DURANT. And now I must wheel you to your room. JAY. No don't let's, yet. (Turns chair. Nurse wheels him a step towards c.) Miss DURANT. But you must. (Wheeling him) JAY. (Turning chair front) The doctors said you must be gentle with me. (A ring outside Bell) Miss DURANT. But very firm. (Bell.) Listen more people. Come now, you've got to begin vour isolation. 38 SICK ABED JAY. (Turns chair face front, grinning at her) Not icy isolation. (He turns the wheel chair to face her. She takes the handles and turns him round again) Miss DURANT. Now, no. Don't let's make a bad beginning. (Turns chair to face c.) JAY. But that makes a good ending. Miss DURANT. That remains to be seen. JAY. What? Miss DURANT. That remains JAY. Don't call me "remains," I don't like it. Miss DURANT. (Wheeling him toward door) Very well then. One, two, three (Bell) Some- body's coming. (At c. he turns the wheels again and faces her. All through this scene they struggle with the wheel chair, he with wheels, she with liandle bars) JAY. (Facing front, R.) Say, do you know 1 don't think I could have gone through with it, if it hadn't been for you. Miss DURANT. (To L. of him) You're not through with it yet. You haven't begun. JAY. (Beatifically) We haven't begun. We've got this whole long, beautifull illness to go through together, haven't we? Miss DURANT. That's one way to put it. Now come along av.d wash up for dinner. JAY. (Turns chair) Do you dine with me? Miss DURANT. I sit with you. JAY. Say, Nursey, do you believe in love at first sight? (Holding chair as she tries to turn it He wheels about again) Miss DURANT. Aren't you naughty! (Bell) There's the door. (Ring. Goes up c.) And there's the hall bell. (JAY turns chair and follows her up c.) JAY. (Up c.) Nursey, nursey, what is love? SICK ABED 39 Tell me. {Nurse come c. takes chair and wheels JAY off R. talking. She manoeuvres in front of the door) Miss DURANT. Love? Love is emotional hyper- strabismus of the mental optics otherwise known as hallucination. (She whirls him expertly to the door) JAY. Sounds like a disease. (They exit through the door as CONSTANCE staggers into the room, followed by SAJI protesting. Her hat is a wreck, her clothes awry.) CONSTANCE. I'm going to see him I tell you! (Comes down c. to L. of table) SAJI. (L. of CONSTANCE) No can do. Mista Jay velly, velly sick. CONSTANCE. Oh, he is, is he ? SAJI. Yes. CONSTANCE, (c.) I knew they were framing something. SAJI. He double sick, two doctors, two nurses. No have pain. No can see anybody. Velly, velly sick. CONSTANCE. (Backing SAJI to D.) It's a fraud! He isn't sick. And what did he mean by having me taken down a service lift and left in a cellar? I'll get to the bottom of this. SAJI. (c.) You got bottom pretty damn quick. CONSTANCE. I'm a wreck. And I had to bribe the Janitor. Where is he? Where have they taken him? (Crosses back of table to R. of it) SAJI. (Moving a step to table) Nurse take him to bedloom. CONSTANCE. (Crosses to R. of table) Bedroom! SAJI. (Looks to R.) More better you go now. (Moves to L. of table) (CONSTANCE crosses quickly with SAJI trying to stop her.) 40 SICK ABED CONSTANCE. Sick, indeed ! It's a heartless, cruel, wicked imposture ! (Starts to go to R.) SAJI. (Nervously) No, no, no can do. Docta tell nurse girl maybe he die. CONSTANCE. (To front of table) Indeed! We'll see. (Turns, comes face to face with Miss DUR- ANT, who enters and firmly closes the door behind 'her. The two women eye each other at R. CON- STANCE utters a little scream of surprise) Oh! I wish to go in there to see Mr. Jay. Miss DURANT. (At door R.) It's quite impos- sible. CONSTANCE. (Backs a step, almost in furious tears) So you're the nurse. (Backs to front of table. Miss DURANT slowly walks to R. of table as the scene progresses) Miss DURANT. (Quietly) I am the nurse. CONSTANCE. I want to see Mr. Jay. Miss DURANT. (Moves towards table) I have the doctor's explicit orders that he is to see no one. If you will leave your name and address I will see that you are notified daily. You will attend to that Saji? (Starts to clear table) SAJI. (Anxiously, backing a step) Yes eviy day I tell you evelything. You go now, missy. CONSTANCE. This is an outrage! (Crosses to L. C.) Miss DURANT. It is a misfortune. CONSTANCE. There isn't a word of truth I knew it Miss DURANT. (R. of table) If you please Saji, show this lady out. (SAji goes up c.) SAJI. Yes, pleasure, please. CONSTANCE. (Crosses to L. of table) You'll be SICK ABED 41 sorry (She turns on Miss DURANT) You went into this I don't care what they paid you. Miss DURANT. (Firmly) If you please. CONSTANCE. (Crosses to sofa L. c. Thumping herself down on sofa) I won't go. I'll sit right here till I see him. Miss DURANT. (To back of table) Do you wish to submit to the indignity of being carried out? CONSTANCE. You don't dare, either of you. (Exits up c.) (Enter PAT wheeling the mover in front of him. CONSTANCE looks up in terror and screams, makes one bound for the door and runs for it, The others look after her in amazement. CONSTANCE bumps against PAT who is upset on the floor.) PAT. (Picking himself up) Howly Saints! She's nutty to! (SAji exits up c. laughing PAT throws the last empty box which is up c. to L. of center doors on the mover) Miss DURANT. (Moves up R. c.) Saji, lock the outside door after her. (To PAT) Janitor PAT. (c.) Superintendant, ma'am. Miss DURANT. (Comes down R. c.) My mis- take. You don't have to move out anything more, and that door must be kept closed and locked. PAT. Yes miss. Sure, Miss, I don't want them nuts loose in me halls no more than you. (Exits up c.) Miss DURANT. Oh! Saji. Will you get Mr. Jay's dinner please. (Goes up c. and closes doors) SAJI. Yes, Miss. (Crosses to down L. and exit) JAY. (Wheeling himself in R.) She gone? Miss DURANT. (Crosses back of table to down 42 SICK ABED K. Crossing to bedroom and speaking as she opens the door) She's gone. I'm sure she'd better see a doctor. Wait (JAY turns chair at door to face front) I'll wheel you. (Returns, wheeling JAY towards c.) JAY. (Settles himself in chair) Oh, thank good- ness you got rid of her! Miss DURANT. (Wheeling JAY to c.) Don't worry. I'll see that nobody troubles you. And now, how's the appetite hungry? JAY. (c.) Thirsty. (Turns chair c. to face front) Oh, I say, we'll split a little bottle, won't we? Miss DURANT. Nurses never drink. JAY. It isn't any fun drinking alone. Miss DURANT. (Starts to turn chair to c.) But you're not having fun, you're ill. JAY. Oh! (Enter SAJI.) Miss DURANT. (Goes to c., takes tray from SAJI and comes R. of table, puts tray down. SAJI stands back of table) And here's your tray. (JAY moves chair to L. of table.) JAY. (c.) This is too early for dinner. I dine at eight. Miss DURANT. (Arranging tray) You go to bed at eight. JAY. The deuce I go to bed at eight ! SAJI. That all? Miss DURANT. Mr. Jay may have a little cham- pagne. (SAJI crosses down L. Miss DURANT prepares tray for JAY Saji stops L., of tray) SAJI. She good nurse. (Exit L. i.) JAY. (Wheeling himself up to L. of table. SICK ABED 43* Sniffing) Um um chicken broth. Good! Where's your plate? Miss DURANT. I have my dinner later. JAY. Then I can't eat! (Wheels back to up c.) Miss DURANT. Yes you can too. Comet (Takes the spoon and tastes. JAY playfully swings chair while being persuaded by Miss DURANT, then wheels chair to table) JAY. (Holding out spoon to Miss DURANT) Now you taste. I'll yell if you don't. Miss DURANT. (Back of table) Give me that spoon. Don't act like a child. (Comes to between table and JAY, takes spoon from him, picks up soup) Now, open your mouth. There! (Holding spoon to JAY'S mouth) All the soup all of it! QAY take spoonful and smiling, wheels backwards up c. Then forward for more soup, approaching her with open mouth. Repeated four times. The fourth time he starts chair wheeling past Miss DURANT, taking soup in his mouth as he passes her. Then wheels to c.) JAY. Say, Nursey, you're a peach. Miss DURANT. (Returns to R. of table) Peach? It's not on your diet list. JAY. Oh yes it is. The doctors prescribed one. Miss DURANT. When? JAY. When they sent you. I have to be hu- mored. Miss DURANT. Well, what else am I doing? I'm spoiling you. JAY. No, you're not. What's that sole? (Wheels chair to table) Miss DURANT. Nice fresh sole. (SAJI enters. Crosses to behind table L.) And here's your cham- pagne. (She takes a service tray with champagne and two glasses from SAJI. SAJI crosses interest- edly, shrugs) 44 SICK ABED JAY. Ah Saji, you're a good boy. You knew enough to bring two glasses. SAJI. (Back of table) Me got wisdom. JAY. Here. (At table. Extends his glass to Nurse) Drink my health ! Please! Miss DURANT. No, Mr. Jay. JAY. But you've got to, I'm ill. Now please! Miss DURANT. No, thank you. JAY. Saji, take my dinner away. (Backs away) Miss DURANT. No, Saji, no! JAY. Do as I tell you. Miss DURANT. No! JAY. Yes! SAJI. (Looking at both) Excuse please, who's boss? Miss DURANT. I am! SAJI. Yes, Miss. (Laughs SAJI crosses to the door L. JAY turns when SAJI is at the door) JAY. Come here, Saji ! SAJI. She's boss. (Looking at JAY) You got new boss. (Laughs. Exit L.) Miss DURANT. Eat your sole. JAY. (Laughs} Eat your sole! it sounds dev- ilish, doesn't it? (Wheels up to table) You won't drink my health? Miss DURANT. How can I when you're ill? Well then (She takes her glass, they clink) Here's to your speedy recovery there ! (She sips) JAY. (Dismayed, puts glass down) Speedy recovery? You want to get rid of mer Miss DURANT. (R. of table) Get rid of you? Of course I don't. GAY starts to take her hand. Miss DURANT moves it away) But you're not eat- ing. JAY. Say "Please, Reggie, for my sake." Miss DURANT. I don't know you well enough lo call you "Reggie." SICK ABED 45 JAY. But you're going to. Besides I'm taking a chance. I don't know a bally thing about you, and here I am in your power. Miss DURANT. (Laughs, leans over towards him} Well, then, please Reggie, for my sake, eat your sole. JAY. For you sake, I'd eat anything. Speaking of souls tell me about yourself. Miss DURANT. (Gets chair up R., places it R. of table, sits R. of table} Oh no, let's talk about you wouldn't you rather most men would. JAY. No, I'd rather hear about you. Miss DURANT. Shall I begin at the beginning? JAY. From the day you were born Miss DURANT. Oh, but I'm not interesting. JAY. Oh yes you are. Tell me Nursey, why did you take up nursing? Miss DURANT. Well, I come of a family who for generations have been famous. JAY. I can believe that all right. Miss DURANT. Yes famous as dog lovers. (JAY registers} I was so successful with my fam- ily of delicate Pekingese that I realized my talent for nursing. JAY. Oh, you're chaffing me. Miss DURANT. Oh, no ! JAY. I want the real story. Miss DURANT. But you don't think that was a nice story? All my patients like it very much. JAY. Oh come on, Nursey. Tell me the real story. (JAY wheels chair back up c. and down again} Miss DURANT. Well, if you insist, my father was a stock broker. JAY. (Slowly eating. To Miss DURANT) Go on, your father was a broker- Miss DURANT. My father lost everything in the 46 SICK ABED world in the panic. Poor father couldn't stand pov- erty, so he beat it. GAY registers and jerks his chair') It was an awful shock for there were six of us all girls and something had to be done. Mother went on the stage with five of the girls that made a sextette. JAY. (Throws down knife and fork} This is interesting ! Miss DURANT. But very sad. So there was no place for me. I'm not clever. I can't sing, and I can't dance because I'm knock-kneed. JAY. (Registers') Oh, I don't believe a word of it. (Backing away to c. Miss DURANT laughs) But you have got to tell the real story. Please ! Miss DURANT. (Rises) The real story isn't in- teresting. You wouldn't like it. JAY. Oh yes, I would. I'd read the telephone book all day if it only had your name in it. Miss DURANT. Of course if you want a lot of characters and very little plot Your napkin please. (Reaches for it. She starts gathering up the lunch things} JAY. Don't you bother, that's Saji's business. Miss DURANT. Oh, no, it's the nurse's business. JAY. Your business is to soothe and console me. It's your duty. Miss DURANT. I only soothe and console when on duty, it's 7 o'clock now. I'm off duty. (Walk- ing with tray to L. i. Exits') JAY. You can't soothe and console me by leav- ing me. Oh I say. Come back here! Confound it, Nursey nursey (Starts after her, zvheeling furiously She looks at him with a teasing smile and shuts the door, when the door opens, revealing Miss HEPWORTH in uniform. JAY looks at her, grabs the wheels of his chair and backs frantically to c. and stands up in chair} Who are you ? SICK ABED 47 Miss HEPWORTH. (To L. c.) I'm the night nurse. JAY. (Rising in his chair) Do I have to spend the night with you? Miss HEPWORTH. (Puts hands on hips) Yes. JAY. Good night nurse! (Collapses in chair) Curtain. ACT II SCENE: JAY'S bedroom. One week later. 9:00 A. M. JAY is lying in bed, humped up. Miss HEP- WORTH is lying on settee between the bed and the window, still on duty. JAY'S bed is a low bedstead with low footboard, so that he can be plainly seen. Bottles of sherry, baskets of fruit, etc. on table L. c. JAY'S dressing-gown hangs within reach on a chair; his slippers are by the bedside. Stage semi-dark. Electric stand lamp lighted at bedside. He looks at HEPWORTH gives a grunting snore. SAJI puts his head in at the door and reconnoiters tip-toes in. HEP- WORTH snores, heavily. JAY turns and sees . SAJI, and begins waving at him to keep quiet. SAJI crosses to L. of HEPWORTH, looks at her and grins. JAY. Sh ! Sh ! SAJI. (Crosses to above bed) I come like sil- ences of night times. ( HEPWORTH snores) She no wake up. (SAji by this time is in front of HEP- WORTH ; he looks forward and peers at her, making an awful face as if nauseated) JAY. (Watching) Well, how do you like the sleeping beauty? SAJI. (Gesture of disgust In a raucous whis- per) My country we use 'em scare birds off rice. (Points at HEP.) 48 SICK ABED JAY. It would. (SAji starts to go, nearly fall- tug into HEP) What did you come for, anyway? SAJI. (Crosses down) I got one terror-gram. (Goes to head of bed He hands out telegram) JAY. You got a terror-gram well, maybe you're right. (HEP snores, they both hang suspended, afraid that she will wake. She gives a comfortable snort and settles back. They sigh simultaneously with relief. JAY opens the telegram, his face gath- ers into a puzzled frown) When did this "terror- gram" come? SAJI. It just come. JAY. (Reading) "Mr. Reginald Jay. This is the I7th of March. Do you remember? Constance." Now what does she mean by that ? Saj i, do you re- member anything particular that happened on the 1 7th of March? SAJI. I know all light. JAY. Well, it's more than I do what's the an- swer? SAJI. Pattlick glet dlunk. JAY. So it is ! St. Patrick's day ! SAJI. Patlick Pat grouchy Janitor get dlunk. Make me much insult. JAY. (Still more mystified) But why the dick- ens should Constance pick on that? SAJI. Maybe he make her insult too. (HEP stirs.) JAY. Sh ! (HEP starts, yawns and wakes JAY throws himself back on the bed and jerks the covers over his head. SAJI falls on stomach below bed) Miss HEPWORTH. (Yawns pulls herself to- gether. Rises, yawns and moves chairs up c., looks at bed and thinking JAY asleep crosses to table and takes drink. Then crosses to below bed and sees JAY asleep. Crosses to table for more drink, then SICK ABED 49 crosses to SAJI) You again! How dare yoxi fol- low me like this ! (SAJI crosses to c. R. c. to SAJI) You appear to forget that this is a sick room. (Points L.) Go! SAJI. (Crosses to door L.) You make me sick. (He starts for the door again} JAY. (Weakly, imploringly) Saji, don't go. (SAJI stops.) HEP. Wery well, the patient must be humored. You may remain (SAJI starts to cross back) but don't come near me. And now, Mr. Jay (Crosses to up-side of bed after taking pills from tablet HEP holds up restraining hand SAJI up L. c.) JAY. Oh oh (Groans) HEP. It's time for your pill. GAY groans and dives under covers. Miss HEP takes pill and ap- proaches the bed. HEP raises him with difficulty to a sitting posture, revealing a suit of noisy pa- jamas. She offers him the pill. He looks at her and is unable to take it) Come come you've had an excellent night. JAY. I know. I haven't disturbed your snoring /once. Miss HEP. Do you mean to insinuate that / slept while on duty ! JAY. Of course not of course not! How could I? HEP. You've groaned a good deal but on the whole you've had a very good night. JAY. Oh, I have, have I ? HEP. Here's your pill. (Puts pill in JAY'S mouth JAY tries to take pill, gets it stuck in hi* throat. HEP turns to SAJI) Water! (SAJI picks up sherry from table, meanwhile HEP slaps JAY on back. He swallows pill. SAJI hands sherry to HEP, 50 SICK ABED She drinks it} I'll take another little sip of this sherry. It restores one's strength after a night of nursing. (Crosses to table) SAJI. She drink like fish. HEP. (Sits R. of it, helps herself to all the dainties on table) I dislike ever to say anything when I'm employed in the house of others, but to maintain my strength is my duty ! I had a most unsatisfactory supper. That Oriental (Points to SAJI) takes pleasure in tramping the halls dur- ing my hours of sleep. Miss Durant persists in leaving me all of her work to do. JAY. (Sitting up and crawling to foot of bed) Now, see here, Miss Hepworth, Miss Durant doesn't do anything of the sort it's you you leave every- thing for her to do and I wish you'd stop it. HEP. (Crosses to upside of bed SAJI crosses to above table) Indeed! GAY dives under covers) So that's what you think. (Pulls cover back) I'll have you understand that I'm a decent nurse. (SAJI start to remove sherry but is stopped by HEP) Put that down! (SAJI puts decanter down To SAJI) I'm here to nurse exclusively. JAY. Well, I wish you weren't here to nurse me. HEP. (R. c. foot of bed) Indeed ! I am only a nurse and I must overlook your insults. But I certainly shall complain to the physicians of my inhuman treatment while here. JAY. Well, what do you want me to do, give you a little kiss? HEP. (Moves to c.) I shall give up the case. ' JAY. Good. SICK ABED 51 HEP. (Turns crosses to foot of bed) Only my duty keeps me here. JAY. It is only the free lunch that keeps you here. HEP. (To c.) I shall certainly leave if my powers of endurance are over-taxed. JAY. Tax! It's the first time I ever liked that word. Oh for heaven's sake, get out of here and let me lay. HEP. (Crosses to table. Taking another drink of sherry) Thank heaven, I shall be off duty at ten o'clock. GAY leans over, takes large silver clock from the night table, sits up in bed and delib- erately moves the hands ahead, as Miss HEP smacks her lips, and pours more sherry; she then makes a selection of all the good things and places them in her apron pockets, talking all the while) I trust you have no objection to my taking a trifle. JAY. Not to a trifle. HEP. This place is so badly managed that I fear I shall hardly have the breakfast that my hours of fasting make necessary. Not that I ever permit myself anything but the simplest diet. But when great responsibilities arise they must be met by a corresponding number of calories. (Moves to mirror L. and powders her nose) JAY. Isn't she pretty ? HEP. (Rises, crosses to front of table) Besides to one in your condition such foods as these are un- suitable. I'm sorry there aren't any alligator pears, arid in these troublesome times I despise wilful waste. (Puts apple in pocket and picks up crumbs on table and eats them. Looks in mirror L. A final drink of sherry quenches her flow of language) 52 SICK ABED JAY. (Holding up the clock) Oh look! It's after ten now. You can go you're off- Miss HEP. So it is. How time flies. And I trust you will tell your Asiatic menial to keep away from my bedroom. I do not wish to be disturbed. (Starts to go L.) JAY. (To SAJI) Good Lord! Do you want to disturb her? SAJI. No, no. (Miss HEP returns to c.) Miss HEP. And while I am speaking of such unpleasant matters, permit me also to add that the attitude of the Hungarian Janitor of this building is no less than insulting. JAY. What, Pat, too? HEP. He pays no attention whatsoever when it has been necessary to call his attention to misman- agement. JAY. What, no attention? HEP. No worthy attention. And as to his in- sinuations and innuendoes well, I'm a lady (Exits) JAY. (Calling after her) You're a white house picket. (Bell) SAJI. Excuse please. Bell ring. (Crosses to L.) I go out on door. (Exits) JAY. And I go out on shutter! (Gets out of bed, puts on slippers and dressing gown and crosses to table. He mops his brow, picks up sherry decan- ter, and starts to pour, the bottle is empty. He looks at it critically and then at the door) Gee, the old girl must have hollow legs. (A tap on the door SICK ABED 53 and SAJI enters. SAJI crosses to L. of JAY and L. of table) SAJI. Excuse please, Mista Jay. Doctors send lady massage. JAY. (R. of SAJI) A lady-what? I don't get you. SAJI. Massage she say Dr. Flexner Dr. Wid- ner send her make massage JAY. No, don't get you. SAJI. Please, what you call lady makes slap lap. (Pats himself, trying to make himself un- dertood) JAY. (Crosses to bed) Lady massage! Oh, no! (Takes running jump over footboard into bed. Gathers bed-clothes about him for protection) I don't want a massage. SAJI. I tell her go 'way ! CONSTANCE. (Enters veiled Outsde, to SAJI) Go way, my man doctor's orders. (Pushing SAJI out) SAJI. (Outside) Mista Jay "no can do." (CONSTANCE crosses to foot of bed and pinches JAY'S foot.) JAY. (Looks out of bed clothes) Constance! Oh, it's you ! How dare you come in my bedroom ? CONSTANCE. Now, Reggie, how dare you try to balk me? Of course, I understand your loyalty to John, but how about your loyalty to me (Lean- ing over bed) Of course I know people will talk at first, but isn't it worth it, in the end? JAY. The end! That's just it the end My finish. CONSTANCE. (Crosses down to lower foot of 54 SICK ABED bed) Reggie, dear, we must take a few chances. JAY. (Widly. Rolls over} Help! Help! CONSTANCE. (Going right on To upside of bed) Sh ! What will they think of your masseuse ? And don't you think I'm taking my chances, com- ing here this way? JAY. You're taking chances on me. CONSTANCE. (Interrupting) You you're tak- ing no chances. You're a man. My dear boy let tne tell you that I know all. About everything here (Comes down foot of bed) JAY. Constance, your place is in your home go to it. CONSTANCE. (Sitting on the bed beside him) A real home yes; Reggie, won't you stop this silly pretense of illness, and be a witness for me about that time in Spain with my husband. There's a good Reggie-weggie (Sits bed L. of JAY) JAY. Keep off! Let me alone. (She places her hand on his brow. He wriggles and fights, try- ing to reach his dressing gown. Rises against head of bed, covering himself with covers) CONSTANCE. Don't be absurd. Listen. (She seats herself on the edge of the bed again. JAY re- treats to its exireme limits) Be a good old dear, and help your little Constance. Don't you under- stand it's for us both you and me, Reggie. JAY. (Sits on bed) Oh oh CONSTANCE. Look, Reggie (She pulls out from the bosom of her dress a crumpled letter) I was looking over your dear letters last night. I brought this one with me to-day to remind you. JAY. (Eagerly) Letters did you bring *em SICK ABED 55 all? We'll burn 'em right now. (Tries to grab letter) CONSTANCE. (On foot of bed) Burn them never ! JAY. I want to talk to you about those letters. CONSTANCE. I know, you're just like every other man. You don't want any woman to have any let- ters I tell you they are my precious souvenirs. JAY. But, Constance, suppose they fell into your husband's hands ? CONSTANCE. They can't. They're perfectly safe. JAY. And I've busted a lung trying to majke Weems consent to a reconciliation well, he's got to, you've got to, that's all. CONSTANCE. I don't want a reconciliation I Reggie did you get my telegram ? JAY. The one about Pat's getting drunk? CONSTANCE. Pat ? What are you talking about ? I telegraphed you to remember the I7th of March. Reggie, don't you know what day this is? JAY. Porkless Friday. CONSTANCE. To-day is the anniversary of our meeting, five years ago. JAY. Constance, what makes you so confound- edly sentimental? CONSTANCE. You, I guess. (Tickles him) JAY. Have pity! Go away! I'm a sick man I tell you. CONSTANCE. But listen to this dear, and you'll feel better. JAY. No, no. CONSTANCE. Don't be ashamed, it's not the least bit mushy, just nice. It begins "Just a year ago," you wrote that letter on the first anniversary of our meeting. (She tickles him) 5 6 SICK ABED JAY. (Starts) Say, now, Constance, you're a wild woman. Emotion is bad for me, honest it is! CONSTANCE. Lovely Dee. It's just a year ago since dear Alice introduced us to Wonderland. Do you remember, and I am still the devoted Tweedle- dum of the most beautiful of Tweedledees who by her great clemency lets me call her Dee-Dee. JAY. Damn, damn. CONSTANCE. (Sentimental) A pretty thought isn't it ? JAY. Very pretty. CONSTANCE. You always have such a beautiful way of saying things. (Enthusiastic) Listen to this. Do you know what it says here? JAY. What does it say ? CONSTANCE. (Giggles) I don't blame the Wal- rus for being jealous. JAY. The Walrus? Why should a Walrus be jealous? CONSTANCE. (Laughing) Don't you remember Doctor Macklyn came to the Alice in Wonderland Ball all dressed up like a Walrus? JAY. Oh, Dr. Macktyn, the Walrus ! CONSTANCE. He used to write me almost as pretty letters as you did. JAY. Did he? CONSTANCE. And listen (Reading) "But will tfie fairest of Dee-Dees come to supper to-night again? If so call me up at the office. I'll be wait- ing with my poor little heart right in the receiver for a "yes" from you to Tweedle-Dummy. JAY. Dummy. Did I write that? Oh my Lord! This is awful. I'll swear I never wrote it, never, never. CONSTANCE. (Indignant) Reggie what's the matter with you are you mad ? SICK ABED 57 JAY. Mad mad (Catching at straws) CONSTANCE. Hush, be quiet ! JAY. (Pretending madness) You've said it, you've said it yourself, I'm mad. It's Alice it's the tea-party. I'm the hatter. I'm the March hare. You've said it. CONSTANCE. (Rising alarmed, backing c.) Why, you you look awful ! JAY. (Waving his hands, kneeling on bed, salaaming) I hear bells the birds are singing. Ah, Yusef, give me my trusty chibook! (Stands up on bed) CONSTANCE. Reggie, if you keep up this fool- ishness, I shall get angry and I warn you. (Crosses to foot of bed) If you won't testify will- ingly you'll go to prison. (Raising R. hand) JAY. (Waving his hands wildly) Votes for \vomen ! CONSTANCE. Reggie I warn you ! You know a woman scorned JAY. A woman scorned is twice shy not much she isn't. (Grabs bed covers) Ha, ha. (CON- STANCE takes hold of sheet while JAY holds bed spread so getting them apart. CONSTANCE gets on bed to prevent JAY going JAY bounds out of bed on the far side and runs towards the door) Save me! Save me! (Enter WEENS to down L. JAY staggers to foot of bed for support} CONSTANCE. My husband! (At sight of her husband gives one gasp, and ducks down on bed, puts sheet to cover head, then runs into dressing- room. Crawling in stooping position, covered wtih sheet) WEEMS. (To JAY, laughing} Oh Reggie, Reg- gie, who's that? JAY. It's (Looks at the bathroom and at WEEM'S and gulps') It's my massage. 58 SICK ABED WEEMS. And you calling for help! (Laughs) Great heavens did she hurt you as much as that? JAY. Something awful, awful, I tell you, she's a huge great Swede. WEEMS. Dear me, why did she run away like that? JAY. I don't know. I'm too weak for a mas- sage. WEEMS. That's all right, my boy, I'll discharge her. (He turns to the door. JAY holds him back) JAY. No, no, don't, she'll hurt you. She's lia- ble to hit you on the head with a sponge. WEEMS. Oh, I see, excuse me de trop eh? Well discharge her yourself. (Crosses to c.) Your affairs are your affairs, my boy. Thank goodness I've no curiosity. Oh Reggie! (Crosses to L. and exit, laughing) CONSTANCE. Has he gone? JAY. See here, Constance, I'm through. CONSTANCE. Oh, no you're not. JAY. I'm disgusted. I'm indignant. Don't you dare to come here again. (CONSTANCE exclaims, recovers. JAY comes c. WEEMS re-enters) WEEMS. Ha, ha, ha. Oh Reggie (Sees CON- STANCE Comes down L.) Constance! So! You're the masseuse! (CONSTANCE below bed R. clutching sheet, screams, and covers her head) And you! (Turns to JAY who hops into bed over footboard) JAY. (Trying to calm WEEMS) She got in to interview me that way, honest it was only that. I didn't want you to know. I was afraid you'd think the worst as usual. Oh Lord! She knows I'm ill, she knows I'm dying I told her so ! WEEMS. You took a chance on this poor sick boy's life. CONSTANCE. He isn't sick. SICK ABED S9- WEEMS. You lied your way in here JAY. (Falls on bed} I'm dying ! CONSTANCE. Oh, very well. I wanted to see how far you'd carry this travesty. Let me tell you, I'm not deceived (Throws sheet on bed, hits JAY) and now I shall act! WEEMS. You've been doing it all your life. CONSTANCE. Ha ! WEEMS. Ha ! JAY. (Weakly) Ha, ha! CONSTANCE. You won't laugh when the courts get through with you. I tell you I'm not deceived. (At foot of bed) WEEMS. Nor am I. Don't you suppose I know your motive in all this ? Don't you suppose I know you've got an infatuation for a bandolined tame- cat parlor-snake. CONSTANCE. John Weems ! JAY. Not that ! WEEMS. Yes. You've been in love with him for years. Do you suppose you deceive me ? Where is your Tweedledum? (CONSTANCE draws herself up proudly.) JAY. Tweedledum! Oh! Hop. (Hops back in bed) CONSTANCE. (Too upset and surprised at the assault to resist) You you insult me, sir! (Crosses to up L.) But you shall see, I'll punish you both. (Turns to JAY) To think that I ever left my little white-haired mother for a great brute like you. (Exit CONSTANCE) WEEMS. (Follows her up c. Looks after her. JAY puts ice-bag on head) By Jove ! Reggie, this- is too bad too bad. Never mind, boy, I shall never forget what you've done for me never! Who 60 SICK ABED would dream she'd be so damned clever about it impersonating a masseuse damned clever woman, Constance, damned clever. (Turns to JAY) Why Reginald, what's the matter you're white as a sheet. You look positively collapsed. JAY. I am. WEEMS. But my boy, why, why I'll get you a doctor! (Crosses to up L. c.) JAY. (Explosively) No! Not a doctor. (WEEMS crosses to JAY, helps him out of bed. Gets out of bed, balancing ice-bag on his head crosses to R. of table) WEEMS. (Has helped JAY to chair R. of table) Here sit down. JAY. Oh! Lord! I never had such a turn. I'd rather hunt lions or tigers or or kill harems ! Oh, I'm done. I'm all in. I've got enough. (Leans on table WEEMS crosses to bed and gets one of JAY'S slippers) WEEMS. Here's your slipper. JAY. Oh I'm too sick for slippers. WEEMS. (Having put one on JAY'S foot) Well one will do. (Back of table) Cheer up! After all, there's good news an adjournment. (WEEMS drinks the drink) And I've got copies of her whip- persnapper's letters. JAY. (Alarmed) Not originals? WEEMS. No, only copies, but I'm going to get the originals and when I do, ah, ah ! ( Crosses to R. ) JAY. I don't like that laugh. WEEMS. Reginald, do you know I have obtained a permit to carry a revolver! (Crosses back to R. of JAY, presses revolver against JAY JAY exclaims, rises and crosses to L. of table and sits Crosses to K. c.) There 'd be one Tweedledum less in the \vor1d, that's all! Tweedledum, ha! (Taking out SICK ABED 61 a typewritten sheet Paces to c.) Do you know I can't understand it at all ! I can't understand it. (Crosses back of table) Constance is clever, damned clever, and this Tweedledum of hers is an illiterate yokel, his grammar, his spelling, an- niversary with an n-nannyversary ! JAY. Nanniversary ! WEEMS. Listen to this ! JAY. No, no, I don't want to. WEEMS. Listen! "To-day is the nanniversary of our meeting. M-e-a-t-i-n-g meating. Lovely Dee." I suppose that's short for Tweedledee. "It s just a year ago since Alice introduced us to won- derland. Do you remember? And I am still the devoted Tweedledum of the most beautiful of Tweedledees, who of her great clemency spelt with aK JAY. Ought to be a L. WEEMS. Lets me call her "Dee-dee!" Oh Lord ! And to think that such an ignoramus, such a nincompoop, should be a recognized authority! (Crosses to c.) JAY. (Rises) A a recognized authority on on what? WEEMS. The illiterate poppin jay. (Crosses down R.) JAY. What's he an authority on? WEEMS. (Steps mysteriously to c.) Do you re- member that Macklyn the man who used to be so in love with (Darkly) Who is still in love with her? JAY. The Walrus ! WEEMS. No the Tweedledum JAY. (Relieved) Oh, you think Dr. Macklyn is Tweedledum. WEEMS. Yes, Dr. Macklyn. JAY. (Relieved rises) Macklyn oh yes <62 SICK ABED yes Dr. Macklyn oh yes, of course! How stupid of me and I've been worrying. (Crosses to L. of WEEMS) WEEMS. What JAY. (Quickly correcting himself) I mean wondering who it was. WEEMS. Yes, it's one thing when she can dis- grace me, and of course, she's peeved about the Letice Mont joy business, and, on my honor, Reggie, I was a bit of a fool, you know. Constance is a damn fine figure of a woman. Damn fine. (Crosses to down L. c.) Once I can get the shoe on the other foot damn pretty foot my wife has, too. JAY. You bet ! (R. of WEEMS) WEEMS. What ! JAY. That's what you said. WEEMS. Just pretend to be ill a few days more and I fancy I can promise the whole mess will be all right. JAY. (Making a last effort) Now see here, Guardy. Can't you drop this retaliation thing. Just be reconciled. WEEMS. Why, I'd never be master in my own house. I want Constance subdued. JAY. So do I ! Oh so do I! (Crosses to bed He is on the point of making a clean breast of it but realizes the danger and the uselessness) Oh, I'm sinking. Call my nurse. (Crosses to R.) WEEMS. Your nurse. Certainly my boy. JAY. My day nurse. (Drops onto bed) WEEMS. Oh Miss Durant! (With a knowing wink at foot of bed) Damn pretty woman, Miss Durant, damn pretty! You're a lucky dog. (Miss DURANT enters. WEEMS to c. DURANT crosses and puts tray from table L. c. to table up L. then to c.) SICK ABED 63 WEEMS. Oh, good morning, Miss Durant. (Takes her hand) Miss DURANT. Good morning, Mr. Weems. JAY. Good morning. Good morning. (Getting no attention, turns and says good morning to the pillows} WEEMS. Be gentle to the patient, he's a nice boy, be kind and tender as you would be to my- self. JAY. Leave my nurse alone. WEEMS. (Nurse crosses to R. c. WEEMS crosses to foot of bed) All right, my boy! I'm off. Just wanted to tell you it won't be long now before you're out. JAY. Thank you. WEEMS. Cheer up cheer up, my boy. Let this be a lesson to you. Never write letters, it's cost many a good man his life. Never write letters! (Goes up c. to L. of DURANT, he bows deeply and cocks a wicked old leer at her) Miss Durant, good morning. Miss DURANT. Good morning. WEEMS. Be kind to him be gentle DURANT. Good morning. (Cutting him off) WEEMS. (Crushed) Er good morning. (Crosses to door L., exit WEEMS, sticking head back for a last look at Miss DURANT, winks) JAY. Oh, I wish I'd never learned to write. DURANT. (Cross and sit down side of bed) Dear me ! Why you're trembling ! JAY. Oh, I am. (Holds out treambling hand; she takes it) This one's trembling too. (Holds out other) Miss DURANT. (Her hand on his brow) Ami your head ? JAY. Burning ! 64 SICK ABED Miss DURANT. This won't do this won't do at all. JAY. I'm dying. (Puts his head on her shoulder) Miss DURANT. Oh no you're not. JAY. Yes, I am. Miss DURANT. I'm taking care of you. JAY. Oh! Miss DURANT. And all my patients get well. JAY. (Jealously) Oh do they? Do you save 'em all? Miss DURANT. All? JAY. Do you have many men patients ? DURANT. Oh yes, a great many. JAY. Do you save them all too. Miss DURANT. Positively all! JAY. I think that's wasteful. Miss DURANT. You're just over-tired. You've seen too many people. JAY. Oh, if you only knew! Miss DURANT. You must be quiet. I'm going to take your temperature. (Takes thermometer from table at head of bed) JAY. Are you? (Miss DURANT goes to bath- room sings) Beautiful voice! Miss DURANT. (Enters from bathroom with thermometer) Come now open your mouth. JAY. And shut my eyes? (She takes out the thermometer, stands L. of JAY who sits on bed) Nursey, you take it from me, it's a lot safer to keep your eyes open and your mouth shut. Miss DURANT. Not when you're running a tem- perature. JAY. That's exactly the time - - when you're all het up. Miss DURANT. Come now, do as I tell you. JAY. I don't want to shut my eyes. SICK ABED 65 Miss DURANT. Then don't. Here! (She holds out thermometer) JAY. I want to look at you. Miss DURANT. Very well. (She pops the ther- mometer into his mouth; he looks at her like a sick calf Goes up and gets chart from table up R. and comes back to bed, turns to chart, JAY tries to see it) Patient not allowed to see his chart. (Holds chart away from him) JAY. (Takes thermometer in and out of mouth like a cigarette) Nursey, you saved my life. Miss DURANT. That's my vocation, Mr. Jay. (Put ling thermometer back into his mouth and crosses to table to get pencil. Returns to bed) JAY. (Mumbling through the thermometer) Thank heavens I've got your hour fixed from ten to ten. I can miss Hep almost altogether sleep right through her that's a comfort, anyway. Miss DURANT. (Marks chart and puts it up K. c.) Now I'll get you ready for breakfast. JAY. But I want my bath. Miss DURANT. No, the doctor says a little nourishment first. JAY. Oh, Nursey! Miss DURANT. And in half an hour, the bath. (At finish of this, enter SAJI with breakfast wagon} Good morning, Saji. {Goes in bathroom) SAJI. (Crossing to c.) Good morning, good morning, missie JAY. Ah-ha ! Saji. SAJI. Nice breakfast for you Mista Jay ! Puts wagon at down side of bed. JAY. What have you got there? SAJI. (Foot of bed) Glape fluit, tea, toast and scandal egg. JAY. Scandal eggs! (Lifts cover from dish) SAJI. Excuse please, how you feel now? 66 SICK ABED JAY. Much worse, Saji how do you feel? SAJI. I feel much worse than you, Mista Jay. it foot of bed) JAY. What's wrong, Saji? SAJI. Very sick, Mista Jay. JAY. Can I get you anything ? SAJJ. Yes please, I like you get me nurse. JAY. Saji, I'll go you 50-50. I'll be sick in the day time and you can be sick at night. SAJI. (With an awful face) No thank you. I all right now. (Exits L) (DURANT enters from bathroom.) DURA NT. Oh what a nice breakfast. JAY. (Attacking his breakfast) M'mmm Nursey had your breakfast ? Miss DURANT. Long ago. (Sits foot of bed) Salt and pepper? JAY. No. Some tabasco. (DURANT helping him) Just a dash. (DURANT puts tabasco on vigorously. Enter SAJI) I said a dash not a splash. SAJI. Flowers, for Mista Jay! (Bus. Miss DURANT rises, crosses to c. and takes box of Amer- ican beauties from SAJI. JAY is all excited interest. SAJI exits) Miss DURANT. (Opens box looking for note. To back of table) Oh, Roses. (JAY starts eating and burns his mouth with tobasco.) JAY. Oh ! (Drinks water) DURANT. Oh, I'm so sorry. Here's a note, Mr. Jay. (Hands up note) JAY. You can read it ! SICK ABED 67 Miss DURANT. (Opens note and reads) "Angel child. JAY. That's me. Miss DURANT. "I can't bear to think of you ill, perhaps dying. It seems so strange to be sending you roses. Do try and get well and get back to our original arrangement. Your own Maisie." (SAji enters with a number of boxes and a small rose tree in pot.} JAY. That's a dear old lady I used to buy my vegetables from. SAJI. (Crosses to back of table) More flowers, Mista Jay. JAY. I feel like Gallli fnrri's farewell Miaa DXJKAIMT. (Opens the box and read* curil) "I>lue water lilies from your heart-broken little mermaid." (Looks at JAY and smiles knowingly) 1 suppose she's the lady you used to buy your fish from. JAY. That was two summers ago. She's a slicker. Miss DURANT. And a rose tree, from Rose. JAY. Poor little Rose. (Looks at the rose tree) She blew herself. (Enter PAT L., carrying funeral wreath.) PAT. (Foot of bed) For the love o' Mike, Mr. }ay, somebody sent you a wreath. JAY. What? PAT. Somebody must be looking forward to your wake. Miss DURANT. (To L. of PAT Reading the card on funeral wreath) 68 SICK ABED "Here lies Reggie, the champion liar If Gabriel raised him he'd go him higher He shuffled home on a heaving deck But we bet he ain't cashed in no check." JAY. Not yet. DURANT. From the Thursday night Poker Club. Oh. (Crosses to back of table) JAY. (Poppy-eyedly incensed) Nursey you write on that card "He rose from the dead for his nurse's sake. And is ready to play them for any stake." Send that back and tell them they're the dead ones. PAT. (Crosses to L.) Sure I will, and we'll not be havin' any funerals around here. It's bad luck 60 it is and you're too yovmg to die. And beggin' jrwui pa i dun, Mr. Jay, while I'm here, will you be after telling your night nurse to keep away from me, a respectable married man with eight children. I don't want (Exits grumbling) Miss DURANT. (Busy fixing flowers Back of table) Oh here are some violets. Mr. Jay, why they're directed to me. How odd ! Who can have sent them ? JAY. I sent them. Miss DURANT. You didn't. JAY. I did, and you'll get a bunch every morn- ing. (JAY starts to get out of bed) Miss DURANT. (Crosses to JAY, upside of bed) You go right back and stay still. QAY hastily gets back under covers) Cover up you must be careful. Don't forget you're ill. JAY. All right nursey, you're the boss. What's the matter, don't you like violets? Miss DURANT. Of course. (Picks up boxes and takes them to chair down L. over which hangs a mirror) SICK ABED 69 JAY. Aren't you going to wear them? Miss DURANT. Nurses aren't allowed to. (Crosses to chair L.) JAY. Say, Nursey. Miss DURANT. Yes? (She has her back to him, setting boxes on chair down L. at L.) JAY. Look ! (She looks in mirror.} Miss DURANT. (Smiling in mirror) I can see you right in there. (Points to mirror) JAY. (Crawls to foot of bed) Can you see me? Then look ! ( Throws her a kiss. Then quickly gets back into bed) Miss DURANT. (Backs toward him and turns smiling) You silly boy! (Crosses to down side of bed) JAY. No, I'm not. I'm just your patient patient. Isn't it true? Miss DURANT. (Gets chart, and then crosses to foot of bed) Yes, it is true that you've been very good. JAY. But I get awful blue sometimes. (Crawl- inn to foot of bed) Miss DURANT. Blue why? (Stands at foot of bed) JAY. (Holds her arm) Oh, tired of everything myself. You know, when I lie here at night, listening to the honk of automobiles and the snores of Hep. Miss DURANT. Mr. Jay! JAY. It gives you a lot to think about. Miss DURANT. What? The snore or? JAY. No, the silent loneliness of it all. Miss DURANT. What! An explorer lonely? JAY. (Draws her to him) Nursey, did you ever 70 SICK ABED think about getting married? Miss DURANT. Mr. Jay! (Moves away a step) JAY. What's the matter? Miss DURANT. (At foot of bed) You musn't say things like that to me. JAY. (Kneeling on bed and talking to nurse over foot) Why, what's the matter? I haven't said anything yet. I only asked you a question. Now I'll tell you a secret. I'm crazy about you. I know it's sudden I've only known you a week, but I can't help that I've been sudden all my life. Nursey, will you marry me? Miss DURANT. Mr. Jay! JAY. What's the matter? Miss DURANT. You must not say such things to me. JAY. But I've got to. I can't help it. Won't you please marry me? Miss DURANT. I won't listen. Not professional etiquette. JAY. Why not? You've got to hear it sooner or later. And, besides, I want to make sure nobody else can marry me Miss DURANT. (With icy determination, disen- gages herself from JAY'S hold and he nearly falls over foot of bed) Your bath hour, Mr. Jay. JAY. Now please don't throw cold water on me. (Sinks on bed) Miss DURANT. But the doctors will be here at any moment, and if they find you haven't had your morning bath, it will be a good night nurse for me. JAY. Oh, I don't care for the doctors. Nursey, won't you please marry me ? (Gets off bed. Starts 10 embrace her) Miss DURANT. If you don't stop. I'll call the night nurse. JAY. I'll be good! (Miss DURANT crosses to SICK ABED 71 c.) Come back! Nursey I just couldn't live without you, please marry me. Miss DURANT. (Crosses L. of JAY front of bed urging him to bath-room L.) Hurry up water not too coldno shocks. JAY. (Hesitating at the door) Nursey, I don't want to be away from you so long. Miss DURANT. Never mind the time. Take plenty, and for heaven's sake take your bath. {Exit JAY to bathroom. He is heard singing and shiver- ing, splash of water, etc. Miss DURANT fixes bed, crosses to table L. c., arranges flowers. Picks up violets, kisses them, places them in vase near bed. Crosses to bathroom door and knocks on door) JAY'S VOICE. (Off) Hello, who is it? Miss DURANT. Your nurse! JAY. Day or night? Miss DURANT. Day. JAY. Enter. (Starts to sing again) Miss DURANT. (Knocks at door again) Mr. Jay, you mustn't sing. It's too great a strain on your heart. JAY. I dare you to come in and discipline me. Miss DURANT. (At door R. shocked) Mr. Jay will you behave yourself? JAY. What for? (Miss DURANT goes to table at bedside and is straightening out table, when FLEXNER enters.) FLEXNER. Ah good morning, Nurse. Miss DURANT. Oh, Dr. Flexner! FLEXNER. (Crosses back of table to c.) Well, how's your patient? Miss DURANT. (Crosses R. of FLEXNER c.) I think he's had a little set back this morning. 72 SICK ABED (JAY sings in bathroom} FLEXNER. (Crosses R. of Miss DURANT, gets chart up R. c.) Indeed. Let me see his chart? (Enter WIDNER.) WIDNER. (Crosses to back of table, puts bag on table) Why did you leave me to pay the taxi? Good morning Nurse. Where's the patient? (FLEXNER crosses to front of bed, chart in hand. To FLEXNER) Miss DURANT. (Coming down c.) In his bath. WIDNER. Late, isn't it? Miss DURANT. He's shaving. WIDNER. (Crosses to FLEXNER) Let me see his chart. (Takes chart. Miss DURANT picks up flower boxes from chair L. Enter CHALMERS, Noisily) CHALMERS. (Crosses to L. of table, puts hat down. Hastily crosses to FLEXNER at foot of bed) Oh, Doctors ! FLEXNER. (R. c. R. of CHALMERS) How dare you burst into a sick room like that ? CHALMERS. Never mind. Where's Jay? Miss DURANT. In his bath. CHALMERS. (Crosses a step to c.) Oh, well, I Miss Durant, leave us for a moment, if you please. Miss DURANT. Certainly. (Goes out. CHAL- M KRS goes up and closes door) WIDNER. (Coming down :o front of bed WID- NER looking about, fussing wi:h flowers) Why these flowers in a sick room? (Crosses to side of bed R.) FLEXNER. (At c.) He isn't really sick. WIDNER. But she doesn't know it. SICK ABED 73 CHALMERS. (Who has been standing by door listening) I'm not so sure about that ! (Comes to front of table) (WIDNER down R. paying no attention, fussing about service table at the head of the bed.) FLEXNER. (c.) I understand you've secured a postponement CHALMERS. Oh, yes, I've got a postponement. FLEXNER. (c.) Well, you say it as if you'd got a post mortem. CHALMERS, (c. crosses to L. of WIDNER) I'm not so sure we haven't got something worse. WIDNER. What what do you mean? CHALMERS. (R. of FLEXNER) I'm afraid we're in bad bad bad. (Paces the floor nervously up and down c.) WIDNER. Why? What's happened? FLEXNER. Am I to understand that we are er in difficulties ? CHALMERS. Difficulties ha! We're in a hell of a hole, that's where we are. (Goes up R. c.) WIDNER. But how? But what? CHALMERS. (Savagely, coming down to foot of bed) Mrs. Weems has secured a court order to have your patient examined, that's what. (CHAL- MERS up L., WIDNER foot of bed) WIDNER. Examine the patient! (Sinks on foot of bed. JAY sings) FLEXNER. (Sits R. of table) Good Lord ! CHALMERS. (Crossing to L.) Exactly. Oh, you can wager she's been well advised. FLEXNER. (Rises) But she must have shown justifiable suspicion of fraud before she could get such an order ! CHALMERS. She did ! 74 SICK ABED FLEXNER. She did ? CHALMERS. (L. of table} She says there's a plot. She claims she can prove that his charts show no deviation from the normal. FLEXNER. (L. c.) His charts! How could she know about his charts. (Waiving the idea away, goes up c.) CHALMERS. Mrs. Weems' lawyers know every- thing -- what he eats, drinks, what he says and they've been as jolly well right as if they lived right here in these rooms. Someone in this house has been giving information to Mrs. Weems. There's a spy in the house and it must be Miss Durant. (Crosses to c.) WIDNER. Miss Durant. (Sits foot of bed) CHALMERS. Yes, Miss Durant. FLEXNER. Are you sure it's Miss Durant? CHALMERS. I'm positive, and furthermore do you know that it's Dr. Macklyn Mrs. Weems has had appointed to make the examination. WIDNER. Dr. Robert Macklyn? (Rises') CHALMERS. Yes, Macklyn, he's been in love with Mrs. Weems for years. FLEXNER. What has that to do with Miss Durant ? CHALMERS. Miss Durant was one of Macklyn's nurses. She's got to go, and she's got to get out of here before he comes. WIDNER. (Crossing to R. of FLEXNER for sup- port) I knew it ! I knew it ! I had a premoni- tion! FLEXNER. Then of course, she's got to go. CHALMERS. (Crossing to R. of WIDNER Com- ing down R.) Yes. (Crosses to R. c.) This situ- ation has gotten beyond all of us. WIDNER. (Goes up c. Crosses to c.) Oh, oh, I felt it. I felt it. SICK ABED 75 FLEXNER. When is he coming? CHALMERS. To-morrow at three. WIDNER. (As JAY sings, FLEXNER front of table) To-morrow Flexner, at three! WIDNER. There's nothing for it, we've got to make him sick. (Leads CHALMERS R. and FLEXNER L. of him to L. c.) CHALMERS. Yes. FLEXNER. Exactly what I was going to suggest. WIDNER. What'll we use? CHALMERS. (Grabs WIDNER'S arm and turns him toward him) Germs, medicine. Anything. WIDNER. (To FLEXNER) He'll never stand up to it. CHALMERS. You'd better hurry. (Turns WID- NER to him) FLEXNER. (WIDNER R. of table) We must get to work immediately. (Turns WIDNER to him. CHALMERS goes back of table to L.) WIDNER. Oh! Do you realize that this makes us guilty of conspiracy? (FLEXNER goes up to table up L. and takes drink) CHALMERS. I do and we've got to conspire till he's half dead. But first, I'm going to discharge Miss Durant and get her off the premises before she finds out this too. I'll be right back. (Exit CHAL- MERS up L.) FLEXNER. (Comes to L. of table} Dr. Widner you have your emergency case? WIDNER. (Back of table} Yes, indeed. For- tunately it has just been refilled. (WIDNER comes to R. of table. FLEXNER to L. Takes out assort- ment of dangerous looking surgical instruments, puts them on table. WIDNER holding up blue phial. smiling} This will give extreme griping pains, and 76 SICK ABED it produces extreme pallor. (Pours some medicine into measuring glass) FLEXNER. (L. of table, taking another bottle) I would suggest Bella-donna in the eyes. The dila- tion of the pupils gives a strained expression and will produce naturally the symptoms of imperfect visron due to extreme mental debility. WIDNER. If we had a little more time we could innoculate him with some pernicious germ. FLEXNER. That's what we should have done in the first place; by now he would have had a nice case of chicken pox or German measles. WIDNER. German nothing. He ought to have good American hives. (Another bottle) Ah, here we have it Cannabis indica FLEXNER. Indian hemp, hasheesh. Excellent. Now, if we could only induce him to take this in combination with that. (He shows WIDNER a bot- tle, WIDNER smiles delightedly. Pours a few drops from it into measuring glass) WIDNER. Yes, yes. Cannabis has a bitter taste. He will call for water. FLEXNER. (Goes up to table L., pours water into f/lass and brings it to WIDNER. WIDNER puts some pills into glass) Of course, of course. Hand it to him and then such results. WIDNER. I'll dissolve a few of these. (He takes the glass of water and dissolves the pills and puts it on table) Ah and whatever you do don't forget your thermometer that always registers one hundred and four. FLEXNER. It never leaves me. WIDNER. Well, that insures his temperature anyway. (Sits R. of table) FLEXNER. Sh! Here he comes (Goes up c. Sound of yodel. Enter JAY pink and shining, he yodels up to WIDNER) SICK ABED 77 JAY. (c.) Good Lord, what a bunch of crepe. WIDNER. This is no time for asinine quips. JAY. Oh isn't it? FLEXNER. (Comes to L. of JAY) Let me tell you something that will spoil some of your pep Mrs. Weems has secured a court order to have you examined by a strickly neutral physician ! JAY. No! FLEXNER. Claiming she has evidence that you're as sound as a dollar. JAY. No ! WIDNER. And since we can't refuse to have you examined we have got to make you something worth examining. JAY. Make me something worth examining? (Crosses to R. of WIDNER) What do you mean? FLEXNER. Make you a patient, that's what. (Taps JAY on shoulder} JAY. Do you mean, make me sick! (Crosses R. of WIDNER) WIDNER. Yes. JAY. Not on your life. WIDNER. You don't think you can get by like that, do you ? There's nothing else for it. JAY. I tell you flat I won't. WIDNER. Don't you know that we will all be guilty, it's perjury, it's conspiracy, it's all our repu- tations! ( WIDNER grows apoplectic and unable to speak further subsides in chair R. of table') FLEXNER. Yes and your freedom too JAY. Say count me out! I didn't bargin for this. (Crosses to R. c.) FLEXNER. Don't forget where your guardian stands in all this, it will be the worse for him. JAY. (R. of FLEXNER) By jove so it will! FLEXNER. It's absolutely imperative that you be genuinely ill ;8 SICK ABED JAY. Can't I just pretend to faint? FLEXNER. This is no time for anything but facts. ( Passes JAY to L. of him and WIDNER forces him to chair R. of table) How about his heart? (Crosses io back of table) WIDNER. (Sounds wrong side. Listening R., then thumps. FLEXNER moves WIDNER'S hand to i.. side.) FLEXNER. Heart over this side. He's got a heart like a bull. WIDNER. Oh, pardon me, my mistake. (R. of JAY) JAY. He knows where it is. (FLEXNER pours a spoonful of medicine.) FLEXNER. Give him this right now. (Hands WIDNER spoonful of medicine) JAY. I'll be hanged if I will. WIDNER. Come, come, be a man. (As JAY ex- / >stulates, WIDNER puts the dose in JAY'S mouth) JAY. Woo that's bitter! Give me some water ( FI.EXNER goes up L. for water, turning, sees JAY lias drunk the dosed water JAY grabs the dosed nlass of water which he gulps greedily) Woof ;shat a relief! What a relief ! FLEXNER. (Rubbing his hands) You will find it so to-morrow (Come L. of table) JAY. (Rising) What you dosed that WIDNER. Only a little, pardonable camouflage. FLEXNER. (Hands JAY pills) Come on now, take these, they won't hurt you. (JAY takes pills in hand and throws them away as he crosses to R. c.) WIDNER. (To L. of JAY) And these powders SICK ABED 79 every two hours during the night. JAY. (Takes powder box} Suppose I'm asleep ? WIDNER. You won't sleep. (Crosses to L. c.) FLEXNER. (Crosses to upside of bed) I think the necessity of quick action suggests a double dose of this. JAY. (Gels on bed and takes fencing mask from chair above bed) I will not oh (Puts on fenc- ing mask) Why didn't I think of that before. Nothing doing. I'm muzzled. FLEXNER. Don't be silly in a serious situation like this. Widner hold him while I give him this. JAY. Safety first! (He bounds out of bed and dashes into bathroom, slamming the door. WIDNER starts after him carrying surgical forcepts but is in- terrupted by CHALMERS' entrance L. CHALMERS I/lances quickly around the room and motions the Doctors) CHALMERS. (Crossing tj up c.) Oh, doctors, she's going WIDNER. (At head of bed) Without any fuss? CHALMERS. Miss Durant is the spy, she's been giving information to Mrs. Weems and I fired her. FLEXNER. (R. of CHALMERS) Did you tell her anything? CHALMERS. Of course not. It isn't necessary ( WIDNER crosses to foot of bed Enter Miss DURANT.) Miss DURANT. (Comes down L. of table) Dr. Widner, may I speak to you? CHALMERS. Miss Durant Miss DURANT. Dr. Widner (She sees JAY is not in the room and advances firmly) Mr. Chal- mers tells me that my services aer no longer desired, 8o SICK ABED but as you, Dr. Widner, retained me I can't of course recognize Mr. Chalmers' authority. WIDNER. Oh, dear I felt it FLEXNER. Mr. Chalmers is quite correct. We have decided to release you from the case. Miss DURANT. Oh, I'm sorry if I haven't given satisfaction. CHALMERS. (Crosses to door opens it) Kindly leave at once (He throws open the door as JAY vpens bathroom door and overhears the last) JAY. (Crosses to R. of window) What's that? Chalmers, what are you saying? Miss DURANT. Good-bye, Mr. Jay. I am leav- ing the case. JAY. Leaving the case! Who says you're leav- ing the case? FLEXNER. (A step to R.) We have decided JAY. And I decide that she shan't oh, nursey it isn't anything that I've done, is it? Have I offended you? Miss DURANT. (Crosses to c. to L. of JAY) No, no, you haven't, you couldn't. WIDNER. Oh, Lord, I knew it. I felt it! (Crosses to L. of table and sits) CHALMERS. (Above table) Miss Durant, will you kndly not linger? This is most unprofessional. Miss DURANT. What is unprofessional? CHALMERS. Your coming back when you have been discharged. (Comes down L.) JAY. Don't you dare to talk to her like that. Miss DURANT. I couldn't leave Mr. Jay with- out one word of thanks for all his kindness and courtesy. I'm sure if there has been unprofes- sional conduct, Mr. Chalmers, it is not mine ! JAY. There's something here I don't understand. What's the answer? SICK ABED 81 CHALMERS. (Crosses to JAY) The doctors have decided JAY. (Brushes him aside as he crosses to R. of DURANT) I'm asking her, not you. Nursey, tell me Miss DURANT. I'm sorry, Mr. Jay, but I'm told to go and I must go. JAY. (Holding DURANT'S arm) Very well then if you go, I'll go with you right out just as I am. FLEXNER. Oh ! Miss DURANT. Please, Mr. Jay. JAY. (To CHALMERS) Chalmers, the truth come across with it. CHALMERS. (At foot of bed) Well, if you will have it somebody in this house is a traitor. Sell- ing us out. Miss DURANT. Mr. Chalmers! JAY. Are you accusing Miss Durant of being a spy? CHALMERS. I don't accuse anybody, but she leaves. Miss DURANT. Mr. Jay I couldn't and wouldn't do anything to hurt you in any way, I hope you know that. JAY. I do. (To CHALMERS) Don't you dare mix her up in this this is my affair leave her out of it. CHALMERS. It's our affair Flexner's, Wid- ner's WIDNER. (Alarmed) Don't bring me into it. (Crosses up to L. of FLEXNER, back of table} CHALMERS. Yes, mine and others, too ! JAY. Oh, it is You think she's a spy, do you? Now I'm going to show you the kind of confidence I've placed in Miss Durant. Nursey, here's the story. I'm perfectly well. I'm shamming sick with 82 SICK ABED the help of that lawyer and those doctors because 1 don't want to give evidence in a divorce case. The whole thing is a fraud, a conspiracy. Now there's the truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. Miss DURANT. (Taking JAY'S R. hand) Mr. lay! (A pause while she looks at him) I ap- preciate your trusting me, like this. (She turns pleadingly to the doctors. Crosses to R. of table}' I Oh, please, let me stay on the case, and I'll do everything I can to help you. JAY. (A step to DURANT Takes DURANT'S hand") You will? Nursey, you're a you're a brick. (Enter SAJI, R. Crosses to table at bed and looks at chart, picks it up. JAY, furiously to CHALMERS) Now you'll apologize to Miss Durant - -all of you ! CHALMERS. Apologize? I will not. (Crosses down L.) JAY. (Moving to R. sharply to SAJI) Saji! What are you doing there? SAJI. Me? I look your sick chart, Mista Jay. I gotta telephone Misses Weems. (Crosses to c.) ALL Mrs. Weems ! SAJI. Sure. She come first day you get sick, Mista Jay. Nurse-girl tell her, walk right out, quick! If she wants know how Mista Jay is me let her know on telephone. Misses Weems she give me ten dolla. I let her know evely day on tele- phone. (Crosses front of table and exits carry- ing chart) JAY. (Falls on bed WIDNER sits R. of table FLEXNEH back of table) Good God! I WTDNER walks around in a small circle, c. then sits R. of table head in hands.) ALL. Oh! SICK ABED 83 Miss DURANT. Good gracious ! CHALMERS. (L. of table} Miss Durant, I apologize. Mrss DCNANT. It was all my fault. I thought she vv.is some relative. I didn't know. Oh, I hope it hasn't ruined everything. (Crosses to foot of bed] Is she is she the case? JAY. (Crawls to foot of bed) If you don't pro- tect me from :hat sentimental vampire she'll marry me. (Sits bed) Miss DURANT. (Suddenly aware of a new in- terest in JAY) Marry you! (She looks puzzled at the others) I don't understand. JAY. Divorce Miss DURANT. Divorce ! CHALMERS. Yes, she wants to be rid of her husband. Miss DURANT. Oh, indeed ! ( I- I.EXNER crosses to R. of table, above WIDNER.) JAY. So those quacks filled me full of dope to make me sick enough for Dr. Macklyn's examina- tion to-morrow ? Miss DURANT. (c.) Dr. Macklyn Dr. Robert Macklyn? CHALMERS. (Sadly) Yes. JAY. (Jealously) Do you know him? Miss DURANT. Oh, very well. JAY. Eh! Miss DURANT. We I mean I've nursed for him JAY. Oh, you've nursed for him (Relieved) Miss DURANT. But wh y why are you call- ing him in? (To WIDNER Crossing a step to table) 84 SICK ABED WIDNER. (Sits R. of table) Calling him in? Oh, ray God ! FLEXNER. Unfortunately he isn't called in he's brought in. (Crosses to back of bed) CHALMERS. (To Nurse) Understand? FLEXNER. And he comes to-morrow at three. CHALMERS. Dr. Macklyn's been in love with Mrs. Weems for years. Miss DURANT. (c.) Yes, I know. I've heard all that. JAY. Oh, nursey, I'm going to be so ill. Miss DURANT. (Looking at JAY, then crosses to WIDNER, anxiously) Oh what have you done to him? WIDNER. (Meaningly) Everything. Miss DURANT. (To FLEXNER) And you say that Dr. Macklyn is coming to-morrow at three? CHALMERS. (Moves up L.) Yes. FLEXNER. And he will diagnose a very sick man. (Enter SAJI upside of bed.) SAJI. (Crosses to c. L. of DURANT) Excuse, please a gentlleman to see Mr. Jay. (Miss DURANT takes card, glances at it.) Miss DURANT. Oh oh ! JAY. Nursey- -nursey what's happened? (Miss DURANT in high excitement.) Miss DURANT. They've sprung him to-day in- stead of to-morrow. ALL. Who? Miss DURANT. Dr. Macklyn ! He's here now. SICK ABED 85 JAY. What! CHALMERS. No ! FLEXNER. It's impossible ! WIDNER. We're ruined! Miss DURANT. (Crossing quickly to JAY) They notified us he was coming to-morrow, so they could fool us to-day. JAY. Oh, nursey, what'll we do CHALMERS. I'll be disbarred. (Crosses up and down L. agitated) WIDNER. (Rises crosses to foot of bed) There's nothing else for it, he's got to frame a blank ! FLEXNER. (Moves to upside foot of bed) That's it amnesia loss of identity. (CHALMERS crosses to door.) WIDNER. (Apoplectic with excitement) De- lusions, hallucinations. Come come we've got to go through with it be brave. Don't get excited, Flexner- (Becomes speechless with excitement grows red in face and is about to collapse. FLEX- .\ KR comes L. of him, loosens his collar, and ruffles Iris hair DURANT R. of him, supporting him) CHALMERS. Sh! Here he comes (Crosses to c. Miss DURANT crosses down R. quickly FLEXNER supporting WIDNER who is utterly col- lapsed, and dishevelled, collar undone and hair on end At upside foot of bed WIDNER R. of FLEX- XF.R -Door opens admitting DR. MACKLYN, CON- STANCE and POLICEMAN. DR. MACKLYN advances slowly and seriously to c. ) MACKLYN. (Crosses to R. of table, puts case doivn and starts to take off gloves) Gentlemen. ( Hows gravely) Miss DURANT. Good morning, Dr. Macklyn. 86 SICK ABED DR. MACKLYN. (R. of table) Ah, Miss Durant, I see the patient is in competent hands. Miss DURANT. Thank you, Dr. Macklyn. CONSTANCE. (L. of table) Now we'll see if he really is ill or not. DR. MACKLYN. Mrs. Weems, I shall have to ask you to wait in the other room. CONSTANCE. Oh, very well. (Exit) MACKLYN. (Turns to the OFFICER) Officer, it will not be necessary for you to remain in the room. If it is necessary to make the arrest (All regis- ter) I will notify you. POLICEMAN. (Touching his hat) Yes, sir. MACKLYN. You may wait outside the door. POLICEMAN. Yes, sir. (Exits) CHALMERS. (Crosses to L. of table recovering himself after an anxious glance at the policeman) Oh, Dr. Macklyn, may I introduce myself? Chal- mers, Mr. Weems' attorney. MACKLYN. (Haughtily) Mr. Chalmers. CHALMERS. (Indicating WIDNER and FLEXNER) These gentlemen I think you know, Dr. Flexner and Dr. Widner. (FLEXNER and WIDNER come forward a step side by side extending hands.) MACKLYN. (With scorn for the small ignoring them) Have not had that privilege. (Gravely WIDNER and FLEXNER bow expressly to MACKLYN'S stiff nod and scared, slowly back to former posi- tions) WIDNER. We are honored. (Both back together to former position and shakes hands with each other) CHALMERS. I understand you have been ap- pointed by the Court. Nevertheless, I must protest. SICK ABED 87 MACKLVN. I am sorry to intrude, but I have no alternative. My authority (Produces document} CHALMERS. (To MACKLYN) But I want it to go on record Mr. Jay is too ill. MACKLYN. (Looks at WIDNER and FLEXNER) I am the best judge of that. Mr. Chalmers, I must ask you to retire. CHALMERS. Certainly (Exit) MACKLYN. Dr. Flexner, will you close the door? (FLEXNER starts to go L. WIDNER holds on to coat-tail. FLEXNER sharply disengages his grasp Crosses to D. and exit) MACKLYN. Now, I (Turns and sees WIDNER shaking with fright and smiling a sickly grin at him) Where may I wash my hands? WIDNER. This way, please. Hot or cold? (Hardly able to speak crossing down R.) MACKLYN. (Crossing to bathroom R.) Will you get the patient ready, Nurse? Miss DURANT. Yes, doctor. (Puts chair c. MACKLYN and WIDNER exit down R.) Come, Mr. Jay (JAY gets out of bed DURANT crosses to him and helps) Sit there JAY. (Sitting in chair c.) Stand close to me, Nursey, stand close to me. Miss DURANT. (R. of JAY spreads bed cover over JAY'S knees) Sh, sh! JAY. (Grasping her hands) Say, let me hold your hands. Miss DURANT. No, I'm going to need them. JAY. May I have a glass of water? (DURANT crosses to table R. gets water-pitcher and glass, crosses to JAY and hands him water) Miss DURANT. (To JAY, as JAY drinks) When 88 SICK ABED I pinch you, look at me. JAY You don't have to pinch me to make me look at you. Miss DURANT. Remember, and follow my lead. JAY. I'd follow you to the end of the world. (Miss DURANT crosses back of JAY to table L. c. and places pitcher and glass on it) Oh, nursey, whenever you look at me, my heart jumps a mile. Miss DURANT. (Crossing back to R. of JAY) Honest ? (Enter MACKLYN and WIDNER from R. i.) MACKLYN. Is the patient ready, Miss Durant? Miss DURANT. Yes, doctor. (MACKLYN crosses to L. c. followed close by WID- NER who collides with MACKLYN when he s^ops f the edges to L. and collapses into arm- chair down L.) MACKLYN. How long have you been on the case? Miss DURANT. From the beginning. About a week. MACKLYN. Is there a night nurse? (JAY groans) Miss DURANT. Yes, Miss Hepworth, Presby- terian Hospital. Would you like to see the charts? MACKLYN. (R. of table) No, I shall use my own judgment. (Looks critically and disapprov- ingly at JAY) H'm ! FT.EXNER. (Coming down R. of MACKLYN) As I explained, Dr. Macklyn, the hysterical features ot the case are marked (Taps JAY'S knee which SICK ABED 89 causes JAY to kick) His reactions are of a spas- modic nature. His delusions produce digressive motor phenomena. (Backs up back of table) MACKLYN. (Paying no attention, moves to L. of JAY) Body seems well-nourished a trifle flabby perhaps. WIDNER. (L. of table gasping) Defective vis- ion, expansion and contraction of the retina the cynus congested. MACKLYN. That may have various causes. I observe a certain assymetry of cranial formation common in defectives heart action? WIDNER. (Panting) Like a bull (Angry look from FLEXNER Hastily) Oh, er sinking spells at irregular intervals. MACKLYN. Hm! Thyroid secretion, perhaps ometimes responsible for ego-mania Appetite? Miss DURANT. None we cannot induce him to eat. (Points to tray. MACKLYN peers at tray) MACKLYN. Bad teeth, probably what stimu- lants? He looks to me like a man who has con- tinually over-stimulated. I will take the patient's temperature. ( WIDNER rises and goes up to L. of FLEXNER and nudges him. FLEXNER offers his thermometer that registers 104 degrees.) FLEXNER. Permit me, may I offer you my ther- mometer? (Back of table) MACKLYN. (Looks at him and takes his own from pocket) Thank you, I always use my own. (FLEXNER and WIDNER register dismay. DURANT crosses to tray and gets tabasco. DURANT gently crosses to R. of JAY carrying tobasco be- hind her. MACKLYN, with back to JAY, pre- 90 SICK ABED paring thermometer JAY has been watching, fascina.ed by fright Miss DURANT sidles along, pinches JAY JAY turn and opens his mouth. She deluges him with tabasco, with one wild shriek of pain, doctors look on aston- ished. FLEXNER crosses behind JAY. DURANT R. of JAY, trying to pacify him. WIDNER leans against FLEXNER for support. FLEXNER trying to hold JAY still) MACKLYN. Curious, very curious. WIDNER. One of his spasms. Not quite as vio- lent as usual, very (Panting) difficult to control. (They hang over JAY who gasps and inarticularly tries to talk.) MACKLYN. (Very calm as one used to such cases) Sounds like delirium. Can you hold him while I take his temperature? Miss DURANT. (With hypnotic gentleness) Mr. Jay, you must be quiet in order to enable Dr. Mack- lyn to take your temperature. MACKLYN. Do these attacks occur often? WiixNER. Very frequent periodical, oh. (Nearly expires) FLEXNER. He's quieter now. (Crosses to back of table, WIDNER to L. of it) (MACKLYN inserts the thermometer in JAY'S mouth and opens his watch-case to note time. All are giving up hope. Miss DURANT takes ice bowl from tray, picks up piece of ice, pinches JAY, who again obediently turns his head and opens mouth. She pops the piece of ice into JAY'S mouth and replaces thermometer. He with cheeks bulging looks at her, while she cauti- SICK ABED 91 ously removes ice bowl out of sight, under bed. MACKLYN takes thermometer out of JAY'S mouth and looks at it. Starts. FLEXNER and WIDNER hang to each other hopelessly.) MACKLYN. Why, it can't be. It's impossible. The patient has no temperature. He ought to be dead. (Crosses to L. DOCTORS exchange wonder- ing looks) FLEXNER. Exceptional case, very unpre- cedented. ( WIDNER and FLEXNER register amaze- ment. MACKLYN takes JAY'S hand, feels his head) MACKLYN. Dear me, dear me, I must test the heart. (Turns to his bag) My stethescope. A chair Dr. (MACKLYN opens bag, takes out a stethe- scope. WIDNER throws up his hands helplessly. FLEXNER moves a chair to L. of JAY. Then moves to front of chair L. of table and nearly expires. FLEXNER grabs hold of WIDNER. MACKLYN set- tles the stethescope, attaches the ear pieces and leans over JAY, looking down. His head nods as he counts the steady, even beats of JAY'S heart with finger Miss DURANT takes JAY'S chin in her hands and lifts his face, and kisses him full on the mouth. JAY'S faces is a study of emotion. His heart has jumped wildly. MACKLYN'S eyes widen with horror, he cannot believe his ears, and his finger counts furiously the quick beats. His face shows serious alarm, rises quickly as he takes down and folds the stethescope) MACKLYN. (Rises, alarmed and facing front) My God, what a heart ! (Bus.) ( WIDNER expires, flops back against FLEXNER, who falls back into chair L. of table, with WIDNER on his knees.) Curtain. 92 SICK ABED ACT III SCENE: Miss DURANT alone. Fixing bed, Crosses down R., rings bell, goes to foot of bed picks up ice bowl, puts it on table up R. SAJI enters cautiously, stands holding door.} SAJI. You ring? Miss DURANT. (Up R. c.) Saji, go tell Mr. Jay to hurry. SAJI. Yes, missie. (Crosses to R. c.) Miss DURANT. Tell me, Saji, when you came through what were the Doctors saying? What were they doir.f; ? SAJI. Oh they talk, talk, talk, awful! All talk! Nobody know what they talk about. All same Holshevicki. (Crosses to down R.) Miss DURANT. (A step to down c.) Oh dear, I'm so afraid. SAJI. Me too. I awful sick! Miss DURANT. What's the matter with you? SAJI. Nervous population. (Exits} ( /inter JAY from dressing-room R. Miss DURANT crosses to door L. and listens.} JAY. (Crosses to c.) Nursey come here (She crosses to him) Please pinch me again. Miss DURANT. (Crosses to L. of JAY) Sssh don't be silly ! JAY. (Tries to hold her) Oh don't pull away from me. Miss DURANT. (Looking to L.) Oh dear, what are the doctors saying there? JAY. I don't care what the doctors are saying 1 don't care if I'm dying you kissed me! Miss DURANT. I? What! Oh, Mr. Jay! SICK ABED 93 JAY. You don't deny it? DURANT. Oh dear now you have got an hallu- cination. Doctor Macklyn will be furious if he finds out I've tricked him. JAY. Oh but it was such a beautiful trick. Talk about your magic ! Miss DURANT. You'd better not talk we're not out of the woods yet. JAY. But I want to be in the woods, a jug of wine, a loaf and thou beside me! Kissing in the wilderness. DURANT. You mean singing in the wilderness JAY. Well, you can do the singing and I'll do the kissing. Don't you know, my darling nurse, that I love you, I love you, I love you Miss DURANT. Now isn't it too bad ! You were getting on so nicely. And now you're delirious. JAY. Delirious ! Deliriously happy ! (She turns her head and looks at him) No wonder my old heart jumped when you kissed me. Miss DURANT. (Door L. starts to open) Sh sh someone's coming! (Enter MACKLYN L.) MACKLYN. (Goes down L ; ) Miss Durant, will you kindly assist Dr. Flexner. Dr. Widner has fainted. Miss DURANT. (Obedient, but terrified to leave JAY alone with MACKLYN) Yes, yes, doctor, but (Hesitates) MACKLYN. Quickly, please (Crosses to front of table L. c.) I wish to further question the patient. Miss DUKANT. Yes, doctor. (Crosses to door) MACK YN. Oh, Miss Durant tell Dr. Flexner we will continue the consultation here when Mr. 94 SICK ABED \\ idner comes to. (Turns to JAY. Behind MACK- LYN'S back Miss DURANT shakes a warning finger at JAY and exits. MACKLYN advances to JAY, who looks at him resentfully. He sees JAY'S expression, turns to Miss DURANT who quickly tries to cover up her signs to JAY) Miss DURANT. Yes, doctor. (Exits) JAY. (At end of bed) Look here. / haven't i-oine too, either. MACKLYN. (Crosses to c.) It is necessary to learn the cause of your palpitation. JAY. The cause? Of my palpitation? Why, I just palp. MACKLYN. May I ask what sensations lead up to it? JAY. Sensations ! That would be telling. MACKLYN. But I want you to tell me. JAY. They're perfectly indescribable. MACKLYN. Please be explicit. JAY. Well, after that I became unconscious. MACKLYN. That fit! How did you feel before you became violent? JAY. Oh, awful ! Intense, burning, stinging- pain Phew, I can taste it yet! MACKLYN. (Turning sharply) You tasted the ht? JAY. I did, I tasted it all over. MACKLYN. And your lack of temperature, what caused that ? JAY. Cold. Exceedingly ice cold cold. MACKLYN. This is no time for flippancy. JAY. I won't be badgered like this. My nurse says I've had an hallucination and that's all there is to it. MACKLYN. Your nurse says you've had an hal- lucination, eh? Of what nature? JAY. A blonde hallucination, in heavenly blue. SICK ABED 95 MACKLYN. Good God! (MACKLYN has been standing near table L. c. He picks up the bottle marked Cannabis Indica. Starts, looks sharply at JAY) What's this? (Crosses to table L. c. picking up the bottle) Indian hemp, hey? A very singu- lar prescription. The nurse may be right about \our hallucination. (Enter Miss DURANT L.) Miss DURANT. Dr. Macklyn, Dr. Widner Has partially revived. MACKLYN. Good! Let him come in. (Crosses iip c. with bottle in hand} Miss DURANT. (Going to door and speaking through} Dr. Flexner, will you bring Dr. Widner? MACKLYN. Miss Durant, kindly accompany Mr. Jay to his dressing-room. He cannot be present while his case is under discussion. (Miss DURANT crosses to L. of JAY.) JAY. I won't be ordered out. If this is my autopsy, I'm going to attend it. MACKLYN. Then I wash my hands of any shock that may result. JAY. Wash whatever you like, but I sit here. ( Sits foot of bed) Miss DURANT. No, no, you mustn't! Come, Mr. Jay! MACKLYN. Miss Durant will assist you kindly get Miss DURANT. Please, Mr. Jay. (Urging him) JAY. Oh, very well, if Miss Durant will assist me (He rises and they cross to the dressing-room door) Now don't you pinch me again, Nursey, un- 96 SICK ABED less you mean it. (They exit dressing-room En- ter WIDNER and FLEXNER) MACKLYN. And now, gentlemen, I find this bot- tle of Hashsheech on Mr. Jay's table (Holding up bottle. Crosses to c.) What is the meaning of this? WIDNER. Oh, why did I ever get into this? (Sits chair R. o table. FLEXNER to back of table, WIDNER to chair R. of table, sits) MACKLYN. What about this? Answer me. FLEXNER. (c. to L. of MACKLYN) That? I never saw it before. It is doubtless some drug Mr. Jay is in the habit of taking MACKLYN. Nonsense ! WIDNER. Oh, that ! It's mine MACKLYN. Yours ? Then that accounts for your hallucination WIDNER. What hallucination? MACKLYN. Thinking that you are a doctor (MACKLYN crosses to back of table and puts bottle down c.) Dr. Flexner, are you familiar with Mr. Jay's general condition? You are his regular phy- sician, I presume? FLEXNER. I never attended him before. MACKLYN. And you, Dr. Widner ? WIDNER. He's new to me. MACKLYN. (To c.) Indeed! Then what made you take the case? WIDNER. Five Thousand Dollars. MACKLYN. (Turns to WIDNER, sharply) Five Thousand Dollars ? FLEXNER. (Covering the break Rises, touches WIDNER'S head and seeing MACKLYN'S gaze turned away pushes WIDNER'S head to wake him up to his slip) He is still er light-headed from his faint. It was an emergency call, Dr. Macklyn. MACKLYN. Who called you in, Dr. Widner? SICK ABED 97 FLEXNER. Mr. Chalmers was with him when he was stricken MACKLYN. How was he stricken? FLEXNER. Um the same thing, only different. (Sits) MACKLYN. That's very clear. And what did you give him? WIDNEK. Nervous prostration. (FLEXNER kicks WIDNER under the table.) MACKLYN. (Turning quickly on WIDNER) You prescribed what ? FLEXNER. He means (Half rising) we pre- scribed for nervous prostration and fits. MACKLYN. Well? And what did you give him, Dr. Flexner? FLEXNER. I gave him a sedative. Dr. Widner prescribed for the fit. Dr. Widner is a specialist on fits, he has fits himself. MACKLYN. (Moving to R. c.) I can readily un- derstand that. Do these attacks occur frequently? FLEXNER. Before and after meals. WIDNER. Excuse me, after and before meals. MACKLYN. (Pacing up c.) Are they always so exhausting? FLEXNER. Very. That's what throws him into the low. The carburretor needs adjusting. The spark plug MACKLYN. (Coming down c.) Dr. Flexner, this is a consultation, not a. garage. WIDNER. Wake up, it's you who's light-headed ! FLEXNER. Pardon me (Rises) a slight con- fusion as to terms but the diagnosis stands. MACKLYN. (To R. c.) But his heart, gentlemen, his heart it beat perfectly, was normal, steady, full then wild, fluttering, leaping, my God, how it 98 SICK ABED leaped ! I wish I had him in a hospital, I'd operate! WIDNER and FLEXNER. Operate? (FLEXNER sits) MACKLYN. I mean, place him under observation. ( Crosses to R. c. ) A most unaccountable heart I CONSTANCE. (Rushing in, from the sitting room) Unaccountable heart! I'll account for his heart. (Crosses to c. to DR. MACKLYN) I've got to see you alone, and I'll account for his heart ! WIDNER. (Half rising, CONSTANCE turns on WIDNER and he sits again) Be calm, dear lady ! FLEXNER. Mrs. Weems, this is a consultation. (Back of table to L. of CONSTANCE) CONSTANCE, (c.) I don't care if it is, you're a fool ! You're all fools ! Send those idiots away you're my doctor, Bobby. (Crosses to down R. c. to L. of MACKLYN) / brought you into this! If you don't send them out, I'll scream ! WIDNER. (Rises, crosses to c.) Before scream- ing CONSTANCE. (Moving again angrily to WIDNER) Oh, take that kewpie out of here before I step on him. WIDNER. Dear, dear, dear, dear! (Retreats to L. and exits with FLEXNER) CONSTANCE. (Crosses to front of bed to R.) Now, where is she? That horrid, hateful, thing! I wish I'd run in and scratched her eyes out right then, I do! MACKLYN. (R. c. to L. of CONSTANCE) Be calm, be calm, what is all this? CONSTANCE. (At R. of MACKLYN) I ran down- stairs, to telephone my lawyers and I couldn't get them and I ran all the way back. MACKLYN. But why? CONSTANCE. Never mind! Where is she? SICK ABED 99 MACKLYN. My dear girl, you are positively in- coherent. CONSTANCE. Why wouldn't I be incoherent and she kissing him? MACKLYN. Come now, don't give away to nerves ! CONSTANCE. Nerves ? Ha ! She's got the nerve. Who is that nurse? MACKLYN. What nurse? CONSTANCE. That yellow-headed Easter chicken ! MACKLYN. You mean Miss Durant? CONSTANCE. Yes, who is she? MACKLYN. She used to be one of my specials. (Crosses to c.) CONSTANCE. Does she kiss you too? (Follows him to c. * MACKIAN (Turns) What are you talking about? CONSTANCE, (c. R. of MACKLYN) Talking? I saw her do it ! I was standing outside that door ! and I looked through that very keyhole, and I saw- MACKLYN. You saw what? CONSTANCE. You, listening to his heart he sat right here you using your stethescope. And that nurse kissed him right on the mouth. And he jumped and you jumped and you said "My God, what a heart !" MACKJ.YN. Oh! (Crosses to L.) You mean while I was listening to his heart she kissed him? (Crosses back to L. of CONSTANCE) CONSTANCE. She did she did ! MACKLYN. Are you sure? .M STANCE. Positive ! MA< KT.VN. So, that's what gave him palpita- tion! (A step to L.) CONSTANCE. Discharge that nurse! Wretched, ioo SICK ABED little blondine trickster! Are you going to allow it? (Moves towards door R.) MACKLYN. Certainly not! They can't make game of me like that! (Crosses up c.) CONSTANCE. Then what are you waiting forr Go right in and discharge her. MACKLYN. (Turning on CONSTANCE. Crosses to end of bed to L. of her) But see here, Constance, suppose she did kiss him, what's that to you? CONSTANCE. (At foot of bed) It's an insult to all womanhood, that's what it is ! MACKLYN. Then why do you resent it? CONSTANCE. I mean she's a trained nurse. MACKLYN. Well, they're human, aren't they ? CONSTANCE. You call an exhibition like that hu- man? MACKLYN. Now Constance, what is he to you? CONSTANCE. He's he's my witness and he's, shamming sick to get kissed by a trained nurse, and you let her fool you but / won't let him fool me never ! ! ( Crosses to L. c. ) MACKLYN. You won't let him fool you. What about ? CONSTANCE. /'// show her she can't come in and snatch him like that! /'// show her! MACKLYN. You'll show her? (Enter Miss DURANT and JAY R.) Very well. Ah, Miss Durant, you're just in time. Now the quickest way to get to the bottom of this is to let me hear you show her. (Miss DURANT to -foot of bed. JAY R. of her. MACKLYN crosses opens dressing room door At sight of Miss DURANT, CONSTANCE flies into a passion} CONSTANCE. Very well. So! There you are! Just let me tell you, I saw you! Kissing Mr. Jay SICK ABED 101 when he was perfectly helpless and couldn't de- fend himself ! (Miss DURANT gives terrified look at MACKLYN who watches them all grimly.) Miss DURANT. Kissing Mr. Jay ! JAY. Constance, you're a pest! (Crosses to R. of her) I've ordered you out of this house a dozen times. If you think you're going to come back and make trouble for Miss Durant, I tell you right now I won't have it. CONSTANCE. If she thinks she can win you over like that /'// show her who has a prior claim. Miss DURANT. What do you mean, prior claim? JAY. Now you leave her alone and me alone. CONSTANCE. (Crosses to R. of JAY) I don't care, T won't have her coming between us. I won't ! JAY. Between us nothing! Can't a fellow even dare be polite to you, without all this silly non- sense ? CONSTANCE. Silly nonsense! So, that's what you call it! Now I will show her! MACKLYN. Show her what? CONSTANCE. I'll go and get the letters. MACKLYN. My letters? CONSTANCE. No, Mr. Jay's letters. MACKLYN. (Goes up c. relieved) Oh, that's different ! ( CONSTANCE crosses to door L. JAY crosses to L. of Miss DURANT.) CONSTANCE. Wait till I get back with those let- ters and then. Bobby, you bounce her and bounce her hard ! (Exits slamming door) 102 SICK ABED (MACKLYN comes down to L. of JAY, looking after CONSTANCE.) MACKLYN. So there have been letters, eh? JAY. (Trying to square himself with MACKLYN) Look here, Dr. Macklyn, that girl's beside herself. You can't believe a word she says. MACKLYN. I have reason to believe some things she says. JAY. No, you casnot believe one thing! MACKLYN. (Crossing as he speaks to sitting room door) I've learned a number of things, but here's one for you to learn, Mr. Jay, you can't make game of Science and the Law, and get away with it r Hven if you do qualify as a sick Romeo! You've elected to be sick, now you're going to go through with it and all the way through. (Crosses to door and opens it) JAY. Oh nursey, nursey, save me! MACKLYN. (Opening door L.) Gentlemen! (Enter WIDNER and FLEXNER. WIDNER comes down and catches sight of his face in mirror and is shocked at his appearance.) MACKLYN. It's all right, doctor, it's only your face. ( WIDNER sits armchair L. FLEXNER to L. of table. ) Miss DURANT. (Following him) Doctor, let me explain ! Really, you're under a misapprehension. MACKLYN. I'm under no misapprehension now. The patient cannot remain here. He will be re- moved to a hospital at once ! Where he will be placed under my personal observation. And under the care of a competent doctor. SICK ABED 103 FLEXNER. Meaning ? MACKLYN. Precisely, and a specially trained nurse. DURA NT. Oh ! JAY. I tell you flat I won't go. I'm a perfectly sound, healthy man, and I will not be separated from my nurse. (Crosses to c.) MACKLYN. You will go and you're going now ! FLEXNER. I protest ! I protest ! WIDNER. You're right, but I don't agree with you! FLEXNER. I'll make a statement: this is nervous prostration. This excitement may kill him. WIDNER. I hope so! MACKLYN. May I use your phone. JAY. What for? MACKLYN. Call the ambulance. (Goes up to phone up R.) ALL. The ambulance! ( WIDNER rises and crosses up to side of FLEXNER.) MACKLYN. Certainly he goes to the hospital at once. Immediately ! Miss DURANT. (Following up to L. of MACK- LYN) Before you give that call, Dr. Macklyn, let me have a word with you in private. MACKLYN. There's no time now, Miss Durant. Miss DURANT. But there must be time. Dr. Macklyn, as nurse in this case I insist on being heard. MACKLYN. Very well. Miss DURANT. (A step to c.) Gentlemen, will you excuse us, please? It is a professional matter. FLEXNER. We are ordered around like a couple of flunkeys. (Exit FLEXNER and WIDNER) 104 SICK ABED Miss DURANT. Mr. Jay, will you please leave us? (Crosses to JAY at R.) (MACKLYN comes down c.) JAY. I don't trust that man, he's too slick. Miss DURANT. (Urging him to go) You can trust me, please go. JAY. I'll trust you, and I'll go. But I'll return, ;md when I return well, I'll return. (Exits) MACKLYN. Now, Miss Durant. Miss DURANT. (Crosses to foot of bed) Dr. Macklyn, when I've nursed for you, you've been good enough to commend me. MACKLYN. Up till now, yes. But this time you've failed me. I granted you this interview, not because of anything you want to say to me, but for what I want to say to you. Miss DURANT. But Doctor ! MACKLYN. Not only did you betray a sacred tiust but you exposed me personally to professional ridicule. And for this I could have you black- listed in every hospital, and nurses' register in the state. Miss DURANT. But you wouldn't if you knew i \y reason. MACKLYN. Your reasons have nothing to do with it. You were trusted and you failed. Mrss DURANT. But I haven't failed, in protect- i ig my patient from the advantage you were taking < f him; I also am protecting you. MACKLYN. Protecting me? Miss DURANT. Yes, you! Everyone knows that you were in love with Mrs. Weems and that you rote a lot of foolish letters. MACKLYN. We leave Mrs. Weems out of it. Miss DURANT. We can't. She's the cause of SICK ABED 105 the whole unfortunate affair. In trying to get this divorce from her husband who adores her, she is using you as her tool. MACKLYN. Me ! Her tool ! Miss DURA NT. Yes and spelt with an F. MACKLYN. F double o Oh, thank you, Miss Durant. (A step to L.) Miss DURANT. Don't mention it, Dr. Macklyn. In shamming sickness Mr. Jay is trying his best to stop that silly child from further folly. And you are blocking it. MACKLYN. Again you fail to convince me. Miss DURANT. (A step to R. of MACKLYN) Then I'll try again. If you persist in forcing Mr. Jay to testify everyone will think you helped the divorce in order to marry Mr. Weems yourself. MACKLYN. I never thought of that. Miss DURANT. Therefore I'm protecting you. MACKLYN. All very well for you, but what of me? When a man has been goaded beyond en- durance ? Miss DURANT. Ah, you admit you were goaded ? MACKLYN. I admit nothing. Miss DURANT. Then don't go on with this per- secution, don't send Mr. Jay away and don't take me off the case. Why, you see. Mrs. Weems wouldn't want to divorce her husband if she knew that Mr. Jay was well interested in someone else. MACKLYN. Oh, I see! So that's the way the cat jumps! Miss DURANT. But she hasn't jumped yet. MACKLYN. She might though. If she gets the chance. Miss DURANT. She won't if you help the mouse. Will you? MACKLYN. A nurse, perhaps; but not a jay- 106 SICK ABED bird. (Sternly) No, Miss Durant (Pointing to JAY'S room. Crosses front of bed to R.) That young scalawag got himself into this. Now let him get out of it as best he can. Miss DURANT. (At foot of bed) Very well, Doctor. Then don't blame me if the cat shows her claws! MACKLYN. You mean you'll fight me for him (Enter CONSTANCE.) CONSTANCE. Oh Bobbie, they're gone, they're gone, they're gone! (Crosses to L.) (Enter JAY R.) JAY. (Down R. ) Constance, what's the mat- ter? MACKLYN. What's gone? (Crosses to c.) CONSTANCE. All your letters, they're stolen! Save me! Save me! My husband's got your let- ters! (Crosses to JAY) JAY. I told, you to burn them. CONSTANCE. Oh, he'll kill me, he'll kill me. (Clutches at JAY) MACKLYN. A cat and a mouse and now the bull dog! I'm going! (Crosses to L.) (Enter SAJI L. Crosses to R. of JAY.) SAJJ. Mister Jay ! Mr. Jay ! Mr. Weems, he come crazy ! Kick door, kick me, my God ! More better you go France! (Noise off stage. WEEMS' voice as door quickly opens, WIDNER and FLEXNER enter hastily.) SICK ABED 107 WEEMS. (Offstage} Open that door ! WIDNER. He's a madman! FLEXNER. (To c.) A lunatic! A lunatic! JAY. Oh he's shamming! WIDNER. He isn't shamming, believe me, he's real! (FLEXNER holds door L. WEEMS' voice off stage. CONSTANCE crosses to c.) WEEMS. Open that door ! Open that door ! (CONSTANCE grabs nearest man to her who happens to be WIDNER to R. of her.) CONSTANCE. You save me ! (Door bursts open, enter WEEMS, crosses down L. to front of table, holds position a moment.) WEEMS. Viper! Serpent! Worm! (Crosses to c.) JAY. Serpent ! Worm ? (CONSTANCE to front of table R. of MACKLYN. WIDNER creeps back of settee to L.) WEEMS. Worm that bites the hand that caresses it. (Turns on CONSTANCE) And you! Hypocrite! Double-dealer! Conniving Schemer! CONSTANCE. Oh, he's calling me names ! ( Throws arms around MACKLYN'S neck) MACKLYN. No, not me. (Releases himelf from CONSTANCE) WEEMS. (Turning to MACKLYN) And you! What's the meaning of this, madame? A soiree for your lovers ? A rendezvous for your parlor-snakes io8 SICK ABED your boudoir chamelions (WIDNER and FLEXNER up L.) MACKLYN. Boudoir camelions! WEEMS. I have his letters that lounge-lizard's letters the originals, in your own handwriting JAY. Whose hand do you think I'd write them in CONSTANCE. (L. of WEEMS) You thief! WEEMS. And now I'm through! I shall bring suit. And I shall name one of these vipers ! (Pointing to JAY and MACKLYN) CONSTANCE. No, no, no, you couldn't do that, you mustn't. ( WIDNER and FLEXNER come down L.) WEEMS. We shall see to whom a divorce is granted Do you see the crowded court-room do you see the reporters in rows do you hear the cold voice of my lawyer reading? "Meet me at Mr. Sherry's beauty parlor for tea." But you know, and doubtless (Turns to MACKLYN) MACKLYN. I do not. I don't drink tea. Damn it ! CONSTANCE. Johnny you wouldn't let them read those letters in court, you couldn't be so unfair. WEEMS. Unfair Miss Durant, listen to this one ! CONSTANCE. No, no, no ! MACKLYN. Mr. Weems ! WEEMS. You'd better be quiet ! I found some of your letters too. But I couldn't read your rotten writing! MACKLYN. Thank God I'm a rotten writer. CONSTANCE. I beg, I pray of you, don't ! < Kneels at L. of WEEMS) JAY. I swear there wasn't a thing in it. I was just trying to be nice to her, because she was sore that you neglected her so. I give you my word of honor. SICK ABED 109 WEEMS. Your word of honor! You leper! (Crosses to R. of table to L. of CONSTANCE) Miss DURANT. Mr. Weems how dare you! A finer, more honorable man than Mr. Jay never lived. JAY. And I agree with her. Miss DURANT. It was a perfectly innocent little flirtation, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself Dr. Macklyn, isn't that true ? MACKLYN. A despicable exhibition of insane jealousy! (WIDNER R. of FLEXNER.) WEEMS. Oh, indeed! MACKLYN. (L. of table) Yes, indeed! JAY. I should say so ! And after all I've suffered for you. At the hands of Dr. Mutt and Jeff. FLEXNER. Mutt ! WIDNER. Jeff ! MACKLYN. Yes, and shame your poor little in- nocent wife, who was fool enough to marry you. Miss DURANT. Your wife says you're a gentle- man, but the way you're acting now, you're not even a man ! MACKLYN. That's right. He's not a man ! WEEMS. What do you mean ? FLEXNER. He's a mental degenerate. WIDNER. A throw-back to a family of prehis- toric apes. MACKLYN. You're a roue and a reprobate ! And not fit to live with any woman ! ALL. Yes! (WEEMS sinks in chair R. of table) CONSTANCE. Stop it! (Rises) How dare you talk to him like that! What do you mean by say- ing he's not fit to live with ! MACKLYN. Why, he's a CONSTANCE. Don't you dare abuse him any more. JAY. But you wanted me to help you to divorce him. no SICK ABED CONSTANCE.. Divorce! Do you think I'd divorce my big, .splendid, beautiful husband? for a little snip like you ? JAY. Can you beat it! MACKLYN. I'll never diagnose another woman so help me God ! CONSTANCE. I never wanted to go through with my divorce. Never, never! It was just to discip- line you. Oh, Johnny, how you could you think it of your dear, little wife, who adores you? Oh! (Feigns a sob, falls on WEEMS' neck) WEEMS. Oh, I'm weak ! JAY. You were a week in Spain. WEEMS. Why you! I'll brain you! (Rushes at JAY) Miss DURANT. (Intercepts him) Mr. Weems! \.\CK grabs WEEMS' L. arm. All three go up stage. WEEMS c., DURANT R. of him, and CONSTANCE L. of WEEMS. MACKLYN to L. c.) WEEMS. Let me get at him ! (WEEMS turns and hugs Miss DURANT) My darling! CONSTANCE and DURANT scream. He turns to CONSTANCE) Par- don me, Miss Durant, my mistake! (Hugs CON- STANCE) My darling! (Takes CONSTANCE to door L. ) Constance, my darling, go to the motor, and wait for me. I've just one more word to say to this person. JAY. Person ? MACKLYN. (To JAY) He means you. (Kiss. P.x'tf CONSTANCE) WEEMS. (At door L. Turns and winks at JAY) Didn't mean a word of it. I never read more inno- cent letters than yours Reggie. Thanks to you we're reconciled. Damn fine woman my wife, damn fine. Ha. ha. (Exits) SICK ABED in JAY. (JhLord! I'm dizzy. WEEMS. (Sits chair down L.) Dizzy, I'm faint- ing again! JAY. Oh, you, I forgot about you two veterinary surgeons. But now it's all off. There isn't any more divorce suit, no more dope, no more anything. And out you go. MACKLYN. (Comes to c. I'm still an authority here. If you please the pleasure is mine. ( WIDNER rises indignant.) WIDNER. But but but .FLEXNER. Hush, you sound like a motor boat. JAY. All right the pleasure is yours. ( WIDNER sits again.) MACKLYN. (Crosses to R. of table) Gentlemen, you are dismissed from the case. FLEXNER. Dr. Macklyn, you are exceeding your authority. MACKLYN. Dr. Flexner, you are exhausting my patience. WIDNER. (Rises and crosses to L. of table) Dr. Macklyn, we refuse to be bamboosled by you any longer. Sir, I warn you I'm roused. And when I'm roused I'm a riot. I shall report your conduct, sir ! (MACKLYN R. of table.) FLEXNER. (Urging WIDNER on) Don't weaken. WIDNER. All I can say to you, sir is (WIDNER chokes with indignattion. Becomes red in the face) MACKLYN. That's enough. Take him out be- fore he bursts. (FLEXNER hustles WIDNER out. Exit FLEXNER and WIDNER) And now, I shall discharge myself. Miss DURANT. (Crosses to c.) But doctor, they ii2 SICK ABED filled him full of medicine what will I do ? MACKLYN. (Stops and turns) Give him a seda- tive and put him in a dark room ! JAY. (At R. c.) I don't want to be in a dark room ! MACKLYN. But your nurse will be with you. JAY. Then make it as dark as you like. Miss DURANT. But Dr. Macklyn, this is serious. MACKLYN. All heart troubles are serious, but it happens to be a case where the services of his nurse are more valuable than those of a physician. As an emergency nurse, you have few if any equals and I bid you pair of idiots good morning. (Crosses Exit L.) JAY. (A step to DURANT) Georgina, dear, we're alone at last ! Miss DURANT. Come, I must take care of you. (Goes up table to get medicine) JAY. (Follows her to L. of her) No, you're through taking care of me, I'm going to take care of you. Won't you stop being my nurse, and be my wife? (They sit on upside of bed) Miss DURANT. You dear boy ! Don't you know that every wife is her husband's nurse? JAY. And don't you know I love you? Isn't it time for another hallucination? (They kiss with backs to audience) (Enter DR. MACKLYN crosses to table up L. c. to get his bag.) DR. MACKLYN. I beg your pardon, I forgot my (Sees their position. They are sitting on bed with backs to audience, Miss DURANT resting her head on JAY'S shoulder Picks up bag, smiles) However, I beg your pardon. (Exit L.) Curtain. (D UC SOUTHERN REG NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH Comedy in 3 acts. By James Montgomery. 5 males, 6 females. Modern costumes. 2 interiors. Plays 2^ hours. Is it possible to tell the absolute truth even for twenty-four hours? It is at least Bob Bennett, the hero of "Nothing but the Truth," accomplished the feat. The bet he made with his partners, his friends, and his fiancee these are the incidents in William Collier's tremendous comedy hit. "Nothing but the Truth' ' can be whole-heartedly recommended as one of the most sprightly, amusing and popular comedies of which this country can boast. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents, SEVENTEEN A comedy .of youth, in 4 acts. By Booth Tarkington. 8 males, 6 females. 1 exterior, 2 interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Plays 2 1 /4 hours. It is the tragedy of William Sylvanus Baxter that he has ceased to be sixteen and is not yet eighteen. Baby, child, boy, youth and grown-up are definite phenomena. The world knows them and lias learned to put up with them. Seventeen is not an age, it is a disease. In its turbulent bosom the leavings of a boy are at war with the beginnings of a man. In his heart, William Sylvanus Baxter knows all the tortures and delights of love ; he is capable of any of the heroisms of his heroic sex. But he is still sent on the most humiliating errands by his mother, and depends upon his father for the last nickel of spending money. Silly Bill fell in love with Lolo, the Baby-Talk Lady, a vapid, if amiable little flirt. To woo her in a manner worthy of himself (and incidentally of her) he stole his father's evening clothes. When his wooings became a nuisance to the neighborhood, his mother stole the clothes back, and had them altered to fit the middle-aged form of her husband, thereby keeping William at home in the evening. But when it came to the Baby-Talk Lady's good-bye dance, not to be present was unendurable. How William Sylvanus again got the dress suit, and how as he was wearing it at the party the negro servant, Genesis, disclosed the fact that the proud garment was in reality his father's, are some of the elements in this charming comedy of youth. "Seventeen " is a story of youth, love and summer time. It is a work of exquisite human sympathy and delicious humor. Pro- duced by Stuart Walker at the Booth Theatre, New York, it en- joyed a run of four years in New York and on the road. Strongly recommended for High School production. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request FRENCH'S Standard Library Edition CUorg* M. Cohan Winchell Smltfc Booth Tarklngton William Gillette Prank Craven Owen Davis Austin Strong A. A. Milne Harriet Ford Paul Green James Montgomery Arthur Ricbman Philip Barry George Mlddleton Channing Pollock George Kaufman Martin Flavin Victor Mapes Kate Douglas Wlggln Rida Johnson Young Margaret Mayo Rol Cooper Megru* Jean Webster George Broadhnrst George Hobart Frederick S. Isbam Fred Ballard Percy MacKay* Willard Mack Jerome K. Jerom* R. C. Carton William Cory Duncan Sir Arthur Conan Doyla Include* Ploy* ftp Augustus Thonuw Rachel Crotbers W. W. Jacobs Ernest Denny Kenyon Nicholson Aaron Hoffman H. V. Esmond Edgar Selwyn Laurence Housman Israel Zangwill Walter Hackett A. E. Thomas Edna Ferber John Henry Mears Mark Swan John B. Stapleton Frederick Lonadal* Bryon Ongley Rex Beach Paul Armstrong H. A. Du Souchet George Ade J. Hartley Manners Barry Conners Edith Ellis Harold Brigbouse Harvey J. O'Higglns Clare Kummer James Forbes William C. DeMIIle Thompson Buchanan C. Haddon Chambers Richard Harding Davis Qeorg* Kelly ' Louis N. ParMr Anthony Hop* Lewis Beacb Guy Bolton Edward E. ROM Marc Connelly Frederick Paulding Lynn Starling Clyde Fitch Earl Derr Bigger* Thomas Broadhurst Charles Klein Bayard Veiller Grace L. Furntu Martha Morton Robert Housuni Carlisle Moore Salisbury Field Leo Uietrichstoin Harry James Smltb Eden Phillpotts Brandon Tynan Clayton Hamilton Edward Sheldon Richard Ganthony Julie Lippman Paul Dickey Frank Bacon Edward Paul ton Adelaide Matthew* A. E. W. Mason Cosmo Gordon-Lennox Catherine Cblsholnt Cushing J. C. and Elliott Nugent Edward Child* Carpenter Justin Huntley McCarthy Madeline Lucette Ryley Josephine Preston Peabody, French's International Copyrighted Edition contains plays, cm*dl*s and fare** of international reputation; also recent professional successes by famou* American and English Author*. Send Jour-cent stamp for our new catalogue describing thousands of plays. SAMUEL FRENCH * | Oldest Play Publisher in the World as West 45th Street, NEW YORK CITY