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 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES

 
 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 THE Contents of thefe Volumes, and 
 what is inferted in Swiff's Mifcel- 
 lanies, comprehend all the Pieces of Wit 
 and Humour of this admirable Author.
 
 THE 
 MISCELLANEOUS 
 
 WORKS 
 
 Of the Late 
 
 Dr. ARBUTHNOT. 
 
 THE 
 
 FIRST VOLUME. 
 
 GLASGOW: 
 
 Printed for JAMES CARLILE, and Sold by 
 the Bookfellers of" Great Britain and 7r*- 
 land. 1751.
 
 , x 
 
 ( 5 )->*. 
 
 A N 
 
 ESSAY 
 
 On the Ufefulnefi of Mathematical Learn- 
 ing, in a Letter from a Gentleman in 
 the City to his Friend in Oxford. 
 
 I A M glad to hear from you, that the ftudy of 
 the Matbematicks is Promoted and Encouraged 
 among the Youth of your Univerjity. The great 
 influence, which thefe Sciences have on Philofo- 
 phy and all ufeful Learning, as well as the Con- 
 cerns of the Publick, may fufficiently recommend . 
 them to your choice and conftderation : and the 
 particular advantages, which you of that Place en- 
 joy, give us juft reafon to expedl from you a fui- 
 table improvement in them. I have here fent you 
 fome fhort reflections upon the Ufefulnefs of 'Ma- 
 thematical Learning, which may ferve as an argu- 
 ment to incite you to a clofer and more vigorous 
 purfuit of it. 
 
 In all Ages and Countries, where Learning hath 
 prevailed, the Mathematical Sciences have been look- 
 ed upon as the moft confiderable Branch of it. The 
 very name Ma'Sren? implies no lefs; by which they 
 were called either for their excellency, or becaufe of 
 all the Sciences they were firft taught, or becaufe 
 they were judg'd to comprehend -sravTa r Mafiij- 
 PXTX. And amongft thofe, that are commonly
 
 6 An E/ay en the Ufefulnefs 
 
 reckoned to be the feven Liberal Arts, four are Ma- 
 thematical, to wit, Arithmetick, Mujick, Geometry , 
 and AJironomy. 
 
 But notwithftanding their Excellency and Repu- 
 tation, they have not been taught nor ftudy'd fo 
 univerfally, as fome of the reft ; which I take to 
 have proceeded from the following caufes : The 
 aver/ion of the great eft part of Mankind to furious at- 
 tention and clofe arguing; Their not comprehending 
 fujficiently the neceffity er great ufefulnefs of thefe in 
 tt her parts of Learning ; An Opinion that thisjludy 
 requires a particular Genius and turn of Head, which 
 few are Jo happy as to be Born with ; And the want 
 cf Publick Encouragement , and able Majters. For 
 thefe, and perhaps fome other reafons, this ftudy 
 hath been generally neglected, and regarded only by 
 fome few perfons whole happy Genius and Curiofi- 
 ty have prompted them to it, or who have been 
 forced upon it by its immediate fubferviency to 
 fome particular Art or Office. 
 
 Therefore I think I cannot do better fervice to 
 Learning, Youth, and the Nation in general, than 
 by fhewing, That the Mathzmaticks of all parts of 
 humane Kao^vledge, for the improvement of the Mind, 
 for tbgir fubferviency to other Arts, and their ufeful- 
 nefs to the Common-wealth, defervf mojl to be encou- 
 raged. I know a difcourfe of this nature will be 
 pffennVe to fome, who, while they are ignorant of 
 Mathematicks, yet think themfelves Matters of all 
 valuable Learning : but their difpleafure muft not 
 deter me from delivering an ufeful truth. 
 
 The advantages which accrue to the Mind by 
 Mathematical ftudies confift chiefly in thefe things : 
 I/?. In accuftoming it to attention, idly. In giving it 
 a habit of clofe and dcmonjlrative rcafoning. ^dly. In 
 freeing it homprejudice y credulity, zndfuperjtition.
 
 of Mathematical Learning. 7 
 
 Firft, the Mathematicks make the Mind attentive 
 to the objects, which it confiders. This they do by 
 entertaining it with a great variety of truths, which 
 are delightful and evident, but not obvious. Truth 
 is the fame thing to the underftanding, as Mufick to 
 the ear, and Beauty to the eye. The purfuit of it 
 does really as much gratify a natural faculty im- 
 plaated in us by our wife Creator, as the pleafing 
 of our Senfes : only in the former cafe, as the Ob- 
 jel and Faculty are more Spiritual, the delight is 
 the more pure, free from the regret, turpitude, laf- 
 fitude, and intemperance, that commonly attend 
 fenfual pleafures. The moft part of other Sciences 
 confifting only of probable reafonings, the Mind 
 has not where to fix ; and wanting fufficient prin- 
 ciples to purfue its fearches upon, gives them over 
 as impoffible. Again, as in Mathematical invejli- 
 gations truth may be found, fo it is not always ob- 
 vicus : This fpurs the Mind, and makes it diligent 
 and attentive. In Geometria (fays Quin&ilian, 1. i. 
 c. 10.) partem fatentur ejje utileni teneris atatibus : 
 aghari namque animos, . atque acul ingenia, & cele- 
 ritatem percipiendi venire inde concedunt. And Plato 
 (in Rcpab. lib. viii.) obferves, that the Youth, who 
 arc furnimed with Mathematical knowledge, are 
 prompt and quick at all other Sciences^ tu; Trdvrtx 
 roc ^\l^r,^oiTK oe~s (puwovToit. Therefore he calls 
 it, Kx.rot TrotiStixv oJo'v. And indeed Youth is ge- 
 nerally fo much more delighted with Mathematical 
 itudics, than with the unpleafant tafks, that are 
 fome times impofed upon them, that I have known 
 fome reclaimed by them from idlenefs and neglect 
 of learning, and acquire in time a habit of think- 
 ing, diligence, and attention ; qualities, which we 
 ought to ftudy by all means to beget in their deful- 
 tory and roving Minds. 
 
 A 4 The
 
 8 An Ejfey on the Ufefulnefs 
 
 The fecond advantage, which the Mind reaps 
 from Mathematical knowledge, is a habit of clear, 
 demonjlrative, and methodical Reafoning. We are 
 contriv'd by Nature to learn by Imitation more than 
 by Precept : And I believe in that refpeft Reafon- 
 ing is much like other inferior Arts (as Dancing, 
 Singing, &c.) acquired by practice. By a ecu ft om- 
 ing our felves to Reafon clofely about quantity, we 
 acquire a habit of doing fo in other things. It is 
 furprizing, to fee, what fuperficial inconfequential 
 Reafonings, fatisfy the moft part of Mankind. A 
 piece of wit, a jeft, a iimile, or a quotation of an 
 Author, paffes for a mighty Argument : with fuch 
 things as thefe are the moft part of Authors fluffed: 
 and from thefe weighty premifes they infer their 
 conclufions. This weaknefs and effeminacy of 
 Mankind in being perfwaded where they are de- 
 lighted, have made them the fport of Orators, Poets, 
 and Men of wit. Thofe lumina Orationis are indeed 
 very good diverfion for the P'ancy, but are not the 
 proper bufinefs of the Underftanding ; and where 
 a Man pretends to write on abftract fubjeclis in a 
 Scientifical method, he ought not to debauch in 
 them. Logical precepts are more ufeful, nay, they 
 are abfolutely neceffary for a rule of formal arguing 
 in publick difputations, and confounding an obfti- 
 nate and perverfe adverfary, and expoung him to 
 the audience, or readers. But in the fearch of 
 truth, an imitation of the method of the Geometers 
 will carry a Man further than all the Dialectical 
 rules. Their Analyfis is the proper model we ought 
 to form our felves upon, and imitate in the regular 
 difpofition,and progrefs of our enquiries ; and even 
 he, who is ignorant of the nature of Mathematical 
 Ayalyfis, ufes a method fomewhat Analogous to 
 it. The Compofetion of the Geometers, or their me- 
 thod of demonstrating truths already found out, viz. 
 
 ly
 
 of Mathematical Learning. 9 
 
 by Definitions of words agreed upon, by Self-evident 
 truths, find Proportions that have been already dt- 
 monjtrated, is practicable in other fubjets, tho' not 
 to the fame perfe&ion, the natural want of evidence 
 in the things themfelves not allowing it j but it is imi- 
 table to a confiderable degree. I date appeal to fome 
 writings of our own Age and Nation, the Authors 
 of which have been Mathematically inclined. I 
 (hall add no more on this head, but that one, who 
 is accuftomed to the methodical Syftems of truths, 
 which the Geometers have reared up in the feveral 
 branches of thofe Sciences, which they have cultivat- 
 ed, will hardly bear with the confufion and diforder 
 of other Sciences, but endeavour as far as he can to 
 reform them. 
 
 Thirdly, Mathematical Knowledge adds a manly 
 Vigour to the Mind, frees it from Prejudice, Cre- 
 dulity, and Superjlition. This it does two \Vays, 
 i ft. By accuftoming us to examine, and not to take 
 Things upon Truft. 2dly. By giving us a clear and 
 extenfive Knowledge of the Syftem of the World; 
 which, as it creates in us the moft profound Reve- 
 rence of the Almighty and wife Creator, fo it frees 
 us from the mean and. narrow Thoughts, which Ig- 
 /lorance and Superftition are apt to beget. How 
 great an Enemy Matbematicks are to Superftition, 
 appears from this, That in thofe Countries, where 
 Romi/h Priefts exercife their barbarous Tyranny ever 
 the Minds of Men, Aftron'omers, who are fully per- 
 fwaded of the Motion of the Earth, dare not fpeak 
 out : But though the Inquifetion may extort a Re- 
 cantation, the Pope and a general Council too will 
 not find themfelves able to perfuade to the contrary 
 Opinion. Perhaps this may have given Occafion to 
 a calumnious Suggeftion, as if Matbematicks were 
 an Enemy to Religion, which is a Scandal thrown 
 both on the one and the other; for Truth can never 
 
 be
 
 io An EJ/ay on the Ufefulnefs 
 
 be an enemy to true Religion, which appears al- 
 ways to the beft advantage, when it is moft examined. 
 
 ,. i Si proprius, Jles y 
 *Te capiet mag is. . 
 
 On the contrary, the Matbematicks are friends to 
 Religion ; inafmuch as they charm the paflions, re- 
 train the impetuofuy of imagination, and purge the 
 Mind from Error and Prejudice. Vice is Error, Con- 
 fufion and falfe Reafoning ; and all Truth is more or 
 Ids oppofite to it. Befides Mathematical ftudies may 
 ferve for a pleafant entertainment for thofe hours, 
 which young Men are apt to throw away upon their 
 Vices ; the delightfulneis of them being fuch, as to 
 make folitude not only eafy, but defirable. 
 
 \Vhat I have faid may ferve to recommend 
 Matbematicks for acquiring a vigourous Conftitu- 
 tion of Mind ; for which Purpofe they are as ufe- 
 ful, as Exercife is for procuring Health and Strength 
 to the Body. 1 proceed now to {hew their vaft 
 Extent and Ufefulnefs in other Parts of Know- 
 ledge. And here it might fuffice to tell, you, 
 that Mathematicks is the Science of Quantity, or 
 the Art of Reafoning about things that are capa- 
 ble of more and Ay>, and that the moft part of 
 the objects of our knowledge are fuch : as matter, 
 fpace, number, time, motion, gravity,- ?V. We 
 hive but imperfect ideas of things without Quan- 
 tity, and as imperfect a one of quantity it felf 
 without the help of Mathematicks. All the vifible 
 works of God Almighty are made in Number , 
 Weight, and Meafure ; therefore to confider them 
 we ought to underiland Aritbinethk^ Geometry and 
 Staticks : and the greater advances we make in 
 thofe Arts, the more capable we are of confidering 
 fuch things, as are the ordinary objecls of our Con- 
 ceptions.
 
 of Mathematical Learning. 1 1 
 
 ceptions. But this will farther appear from parti- 
 culars. 
 
 And firft, if we confider, to what perfection we 
 now know the Courfes, Periods, Order, Diftances, 
 and Proportions of the feveral great Bodies of the 
 Univerfe, at leaft fuch as fall within our view ; we 
 fhall have caufe to admire the Sagacity and Induftry 
 of the Mathematicians^ and the power of Numbers 
 and Geometry well apply 'd. Let us caft our Eyes 
 backward, and confider AJlrorwrny in its Infancy : 
 or rather let us fuppofe it ftill to begin : for instance, 
 a Colony of Rude Country people, tranfplanted into 
 an Ifland remote from the Commerce of all Man- 
 kind, without fo much as the knowledge of the Ka- 
 lendar, and the Periods of the Seafons, without In- 
 ftruments to make Obfervations, or any the leaft 
 notion of Obfervations or Inftruments. When is ir, 
 we could expect any of their Pofterity fhould arrive 
 at the Art of predicting an Eclipfe ? Not only fo, 
 but the Art of reckoning all Eclipfes that are paft or 
 to come, for any number of Years ? When is it, 
 we could fuppofe, that one of thofe Iflanders tranf- 
 ported to any other place of the Earth, (hould be 
 able by the infpe&ion of the Heavens to find how 
 much he were South or North, Eaft or Weft of 
 his own Ifland, and to conduct his Ship back thither? 
 For my part, tho' I know this may be, and is daily 
 done, by what is known in Aftronomy ; yet when f 
 confider the vaft Induftry, Sagacity, multitude of 
 Obfervations, and other extrinfick things necefiary 
 for fuch a fublime piece of knowledge, I fhould be 
 apt to pronounce it impoflible, and never to be hoped 
 for. Now we are let fo much into the knowledge 
 of the Machine of the Univerfe, and motion of 
 its parts by the Rules of this Science^ perhaps the 
 invention may feem cafy. But when we reflect:, 
 what Penetration and Contrivance were neceflary to 
 
 lay
 
 1 2 An E/ay on tie Ufefulnefi 
 
 lay the foundations of fo great and extenfive an Art, 
 we cannot but admire its firft Inventors : as Thales 
 3'lilef.tu^ who, as Diogenes Laertius and Pliny fay, 
 firft predicted Eciipfes ; and his Scholar Anaximander 
 Miiefius, who found out the Globous Figure of the 
 Earth, the ^Equinodial Feints, the Obliquity of 
 the Ecliptick, the principles of Gnomonicks, and 
 made the firft Sphere or Image of the Heavens ; and 
 Pythagoras, to whom we owe the difcovery of the 
 true Syftem of the World, and order of the Planets. 
 'Tho it may be, they were affilred by the Egyptians 
 and Chaldeans. But whoever they were, that firft 
 made thefe bold fteps in this Noble Art, they de- 
 ferve the praife and admiration of all future Ages. 
 
 Felices anima y quibus hesc cognofcere primisy 
 
 Inque domos Juperas fcandere euro fuit. 
 Credibile eft illos pariter vitnfque jocifque 
 
 Alt:u$ humani$ exferuijje capitt. 
 Non Penus & vinam fublimia peftora fregit t 
 
 Officiumque fori^ militiaque labor. 
 JVow levts ambitio^ perfufaque gloria fucs^ 
 
 Magnarumque fames fellidtavit opurn. 
 Admavere oculis dijlantia fidera noJ1ris y 
 
 tberaque ingenio fuppofuere fuo. 
 
 Ovid.inRFaft. 
 
 But the* the induftry of former Ages had difco- 
 vered the Periods of the great Bodies of the Univerfe, 
 and the true Syftem and Order of them, and their 
 Orbits pretty near; yet was there one thing {till re- 
 ferved for the glory of this Age, and the honour of 
 the Englijh Nation^ The grand fecret of the whole 
 Machine ; which, now it is difcovered, proves to 
 be (like the other contrivances of Infinite Wifdom) 
 fimple and natural, depending upon the moft known 
 and moft common property of matter, viz. gravity, 
 From this the incomparable Mr. Newton hasdemon- 
 
 ftrated
 
 of Mathematical Learning. 13 
 
 ftrated the Theories of all the Bodies of the Solar 
 Syftem, of all the primary Planets and their fecoa- 
 daries, and among others, the Moon, which feem'd 
 moft averfe to numbers : And not only of the Pla- 
 nets, the floweft of which compleats its Period tin 
 lefs than half the Age of a Man, but likewife o * the 
 Comets, fome of which its probable fpend more 
 than 2000. years in one Revolution about the Sun; 
 for whofe Theory he has laid fuch a foundation, that 
 after Ages affifted with more Obfervations, may be 
 able to Calculate their returns. In a word, the pre- 
 ceflion of the Equinoctial Points, the Tydes, the 
 unequal Vibration of Pendulous Bodies in different 
 Latitudes, &c. are no more a Qiiefticn to thofe, that 
 have Germetry enough to understand, what he has 
 delivered on thofe Subjects : A perfection in Pbiio- 
 fophy, that the boldeft Thinker durft hardly have 
 hoped for j and, unlefs Mankind turn barbarous, will 
 continue the Reputation of this Nation, as long as 
 the Fabrick of Nature ihall endure. After this, 
 what is it, we may not expect from Geometry Join'd 
 to Obfervations and Experiments ? 
 
 The next confiderable object of Natural know- 
 ledge, I take to be Light. How unfuccefsful enqui- 
 ries are about this Glorious Body without the help 
 of Geometry^ may appear from the empty and frivo- 
 lous difcourfes and difputations of a fort of Mtn, 
 that call themfelves Pbilofophers ; whom nothing 
 will ferve perhaps, hut the knowledge of the very 
 Nature, and intimate Caufes of ever}' thing: while 
 on the other hand, the Geometers not troubling them- 
 felves with thofe fruitless enquiries about the Nature 
 of Light, have tlifcovered two remarkable properties 
 of it, in the reflexion and refraction of its beams : 
 and from thofe, and their ftreightnels in other cafes, 
 have invented the noble Arts of Opticks, Catoptricks, 
 and Dioptricks ; teaching us to manage this fubtile 
 
 Body
 
 14 'An Effay on tie Ufefulnefs 
 
 Body for the improvement of our knowledge, and 
 ufefui purpofes of Life. They have likewife dernon- 
 il rated the caufes of feveral Coeleftial appearances, 
 that arife from the inflection of its Beams, both in 
 the. Heavenly Bodies themfelves and other Phceno'- 
 mena, as ParbJia, the Iris, &c. and by a late Ex- 
 periment they have difcovered the celerity of its md- 
 tion. And we (hall know yet more furprizing pro- 
 perties of Light, when Mr. Newton fhall be pleafjd 
 to gratify the World with his Book of Light and Co- 
 lours. 
 
 The Fluids which involve our Earth, viz. Air 
 and fTiiter, are the next great and confpicuous Bo- 
 di-s that Nature prefents to our view : And I think 
 we know little ef either, but what is owing to Me~ 
 cbanicks, and Geometry. The two chiefeft proper* 
 ties of Air, its Gravity and Elaftick force, have 
 been difcovered by Mechanical Experiments. From 
 thence the decreafe of the Air's denfity according to 
 the increafe of the diftance of the Earth has been 
 demonstrated by Geometers, and confirmed by Ex- 
 periments of the fubfidence of the Mercury in the 
 Torricellian Experiment. From this likewife, by 
 affiftance of Geometry, they have determined the 
 height of the Atmofphere, as far as it has any fenfi- 
 ble denfity ; which agrees exactly with another Ob- 
 fervation of the duration of the Twilight. ^f/Vand 
 Water make up the object of the Hydro/laticks, tho' 
 denominated only from the latter, of which the 
 principles were long fince fettled and dernonftrated 
 by Archimedes, in his Book Trspl TWV O^/AEVWV, 
 where are dernonftrated the caufes of feveral furpri- 
 zing Phcenomenaof Nature, depending only on the 
 ^Equilibrium of Fluids, the relative Gravities of thefe 
 Fluids, and of Solids fwimming or finking therein. 
 Here alfo the Mathematicians confider the different 
 PrefTures, Refiftances, and Celerities of Solids moved 
 
 in
 
 of Mathematical Learning . r 
 
 in Fluids : from whence they explain a great many 
 appearances of Nature, unintelligible to thole who 
 are ignorant of Geometry. 
 
 Next, if we dcfcctul to the Animal Kingdom^ 
 there we fee the brighteft ftrokes of Divine Mccha- 
 nicks. And whether we confider firft the Animal 
 Qeconomy in general, either in the internal motion and 
 circulation of the Juices forced through the feveral 
 Canals by the motion of the Heart, or their exter- 
 motions, and the Inftruments wherewith thefe are 
 performed, we mud reduce them to Mechanical 
 Rules, and confefs the necdlity of the knowledge of 
 Mechanicks to underfland them, or explain them to 
 others. Borelli in his excellent Treatife de motu A- 
 nimalium, Stem in his admirable Myolcgits fpecimen^ 
 and other Mathematical Men on the one hand, and 
 the nonfenfical, unintelligible fluff that the common 
 Writers on thefe Subjects have filled their Books 
 with on the other, are fufficient inftances to fhew, 
 how neceflary Geometry is in fuch fpeculations. The 
 only Organ of an Animal Body, whofe ftrulure and 
 manner of operation is fully underftood, has been the 
 only one, which the Geometers have taken to their 
 fhare to confider. It's incredible, how fillily the 
 greateft and ableft Phyficians talked of the parts of 
 the Eye and their ufe, and of the modus vijionii, be- 
 fore Kepler by his Geometry found it out, and put it 
 paft difpute, tho' they applied themfelves particular- 
 ly to this, and valued themfelves on it : and Galen 
 pretended a particular Divine CommifHon to treat of 
 it. Nay, notwithstanding the full difcovery of it, 
 fome go on in copying their Predeceflbrs, and talk 
 as Ungeometrically as ever. It's true, we cannot rea- 
 fon fo clearly of the internal motions oh an Animal 
 Body, as of the external, wanting fuflkient data and 
 decifive Experiments : But what relates to the latter 
 (as the Articulation, Structure, Infertion, rind Fires 
 
 of
 
 1 6 'An E/ay on the Ufefulnffs 
 
 of the Mufcles) is as Subject to ftricl Mathematical 
 difquifition, as any thing wi)atfocver ; and even in 
 the Theory of Difeafes and their Cures, thofe, who 
 talk Mechanically talk moft intelligibly. Which 
 may be the reafon for the Opinion of the ancient 
 Phyficians, that Mathematicks are neceffary for the 
 ftudy of Medicine it felf, for which I could bring 
 quotations out of their Works. Among the Letters 
 that are afcrib'd to Hippocrates, there is one to his 
 Son TheffalitS) recommending to him the ftudy of 
 jfyitbtnetick and Geometry^ as neceflary to Medicine. 
 Galen in his Book intituled, oli a^iroj lar^oj xj 4 
 5 , begins, O/of n arfTr&vS'ao'jy ol TroAAoi 
 
 u.-fv STp&rfW, to? T*T8 TJYfiV, STrt 
 
 ^/ \*-^ / fc ^^? ~ fa -f> 
 
 TGISTOV Ti Xy TOt? TTOAAOif T> IZTgUV (TU^bib 
 
 VOTI, rrv Tau 
 
 SI jUOV 
 
 x} TOK //.Ttb<r jtAju4>o>jAt, If one of the reafons of 
 the Ancients for this be now fomewhat unfashionable, 
 to wit, becaufe they thought a Phyfician fhould be 
 able to know the fituation and afpecls of the Stars, 
 which they believed had influence upon Men and 
 their Difeafes, (and pofitively to deny it, and fay, 
 that they have none at all, is the effect of want of 
 Obfervation) we have a much better and undoubted 
 one in its room ; viz. That Mathematicks are found 
 to be the beft Inftrument of promoting natural know- 
 ledge. idly. If we cor.fider, not only the Animal 
 Oeconomy in general, but likewife the wonderful 
 ftru&ure of the different forts of Animals, accord- 
 ing to the different purpofes for which they were de- 
 figncd, the various Elements they inhabit, the feve-
 
 of Mathematical Learning. 17 
 
 rdl ways of procuring their nourifhmenr, and pro- 
 pagating their kind, the different enemies they have, 
 and accidents they are fubjecl: to, here is ftill a great- 
 er need of Geometry. It is pity, that the qualities of 
 an expert Anatzmiji and fkilfu! Geometer have feldoni 
 met in the fame perfbn. When fuch a one fhall ap- 
 pear, there is a whole Terra incognita of delightful 
 knowledge to employ his time, and reward his in- 
 tiuftry. 
 
 As for the other tWo Kingdoms ; Borelli and other 
 Mathematical Men, feem to have talked very clearly 
 of Vegetation : and Steno another Mathematician, in 
 his excellent Treatife de So.ido infra Solidum natura- 
 liter contento, has applied ihis part of learning very 
 handfomely to Fojjih and fome other parts of Natu- 
 ral Hiftory. I {hall add only one thing more, That 
 if we confider motion it felf, the great Inftrument 
 of the Actions of Bodies upon one another, the 
 Theory of it is entirely owing to the Geometers ; who 
 have demonftrated its Laws both in hard and elaftick 
 Bodies ; fliew'd how to meafure its quantity, how 
 to compound and refolve the feveral forces, by which 
 Bodies are agitated, and to determine the Lines,wkich 
 thofe compound forces make them dtfcribe : of fuch 
 forces gravity, being the moil conftant and uniform, 
 affords a great variety of ufeful knowledge, in con- 
 fidering feveial motions that happen upon the Earth ; 
 viz. As to the free dcfcertt of heavy Bodies; The 
 curve of projectiles ; The defcent and weight of 
 heavy Bodies when they lie on inclined plains; The 
 Theory of the motion of Pendulous Bodies, &c. 
 
 From what Ihavefaid, I fhall draw hut one Co- 
 roliary, That a natural Philofopher without Mathe- 
 maticks is a very odd fort of a pcrfon, that reafons 
 about things that have Bulk, Figure, Motion, Num- 
 ber, Weight, &c. without Aritkmetick, Geometry^ 
 Mccbanich, Statich, &c, I rniift needs fay, 1 have the 
 VOL. I. B bft
 
 1 8 An E/ay on the Vfefukefi 
 
 laft Contempt for thofe Gentlemen, that pretend to 
 explain how theEarth was framed, and yet can hard- 
 ly meafure an Acre of Ground upon the Surface of 
 it : And as the Philofopher fpeaks, >ui rcpente pe- 
 dibus illotis ad Philofopbos dlvertunt^ non hoc eft fatis 9 
 quod Jint omnino dStugTnQi, ^a.a<rot, oiysufJitrc'/no^ 
 fed Icgem etlam dant^ qua Phifafopbari difcant. 
 
 The ufefulnefs of Matbematicks in feveral other 
 Arts and Sciences is fully as plain. They were 
 looked upon by the ancient Philofophers as the key 
 to all knowledge. Therefore Plato wrote upon his 
 School, *OuJi? a^w/*Tc>iTOf EiVn-w, Let none un- 
 skilled In Geometry eirter ; and Xenocrates told one ig- 
 norant in Mathemattcks, who deftred to be his Scho- 
 lar, that he was fitter to Card Wooll, Aaa? ya,^ 
 Sx % fi ? 3>iAo<roip/<%?, you want the handle of Pbilo- 
 fophy, viz. Geometry. There is no underftanding the 
 works of the ancient Philofopers without it. Theo 
 Smyrnaus has wrote a Book entituled, An explana- 
 tion of thofe things in Plato : Arijlotle illuftrates his 
 precepts and other thoughts by Mathematical ex- 
 amples, and that not only in Logick, &c. but even 
 in Ethich) where he makes ufe of Geometrical and 
 Arithmetical proportion, to explain commutative 
 and diftributive juftice. 
 
 Every body knows, that Chronology and Geogra- 
 phy are indifpenfable preparations for Hiftory : a re- 
 lation of matter of fatSt being a very lifelefs infipid 
 thing without the circumftances of time and place. 
 Nor is it fufficient for one, that would underftand 
 things thoroughly, that he knows the Topography, 
 that is, the name of the Country, where fuch a 
 place lies, with thofe of the near adjacent places, 
 and how thefe lie in refpefl of one another ; but it 
 will become him likewife to underftand the Scienti- 
 fical principles of the Art : that is, to have a true 
 Idea of a place, we ought to know the relation it 
 
 ha*
 
 of Mathematical Learning. i 9 
 
 has to any other place, as to the diftance and bearing, 
 its Climate, Heat, Cold, length of days, C3V. which 
 things do much enliven the Reader's notion of the 
 ' Very action itfelf. Juft fo, it is neceffary to know 
 the Technical or Doctrinal part of Chronology, if 
 a Man would be thoroughly skill'd in Hiftory, it 
 being impoffible without it, to unravel the confufion 
 of Hiftorians. I remember Mr. Hally has determined 
 the day and hour of Jui'nis C&far's Landing in 
 Britain, from the circumftances of his relation. 
 And every body knows, how great ufe our incom- 
 parable Hiftorians Mr. Dodwell has made of the 
 Calculated times of Eclipfes, for fettling the times 
 of great Events, which before were as to this ef- 
 fential circumftance almoft fabulous; Both Chro- 
 nology and Geography ) and alfo the knowledge of the 
 Sun's and Moon's motions, fo far as they relate to 
 the conftitution of the Kaiendar and Year, are ne- 
 cefiary to a Divine, and how fadly fome otherwife 
 Eminent have blunder'd, when they meddled with 
 things that relate to thefe, and border on them, is 
 too apparent. 
 
 No body, I think, will queftion the intereft, that 
 Mathematicks have in Painting, Mufick, and Arcbi- 
 tcfture which are all founded on Numbers. Per- 
 fpeclivc and the Rules of Light and Shadows are 
 owing to Geometry and Opticks : And I think diofe 
 two comprehend pretty near the whole Art of Pain- 
 ting, except decorum and ordinance ; which are c.;ly 
 a due obfervance of the Hiftory and Cireumftances 
 of the fubjec^, you reprefent. For by Perfpe&ive^ 
 may be underftood the Art of deftgning the outlines 
 of your folid, whether that be a Building, Land- 
 fkip, or Animal : and the draught of a Man is really 
 as much the Perfpective of a Man, as the draught 
 of a Building is of a Building ; tho' for particular 
 reafonsj as becau'f* it conftfts of more crooked lines, 
 B a #V*
 
 20 An Ejay on the TJfefulnefs 
 
 &V . it is hard to reduce the Perfpedtive of the former, 
 to the ordinary eftabliflied Rules. 
 
 If Matbematicks had not reduced Mufick to a 
 regular Syftem, by contriving its Scales, it had been 
 no Art, but Enthufiaftick Rapture, left to the 
 roving fancy of every Practitioner. This appears 
 by the extraordinary pains, which the Ancients have 
 taken to fit numbers to three forts of Mufick, the 
 Diatonick, Chromatick, and Enharmonick : which if 
 we confider with their nicety in diitinguifhing their 
 feveral Modes, we fhall be apt to judge, they had 
 fomething very fine in their Mufick, at leaft for 
 moving the paffions with fingle Inftruments and 
 Voices. But Mufick had been imperfect frill, had 
 not Arltkniethk ftepped in once more, and Guido 
 Aretinus by inventing the temperament making the 
 Fifth falfe by a certain determined quantity, taught 
 us to Tune our Organs, and intermix all the three 
 kinds of the Ancients, to which we owe all the Re- 
 gular and Noble Harmony of our modern Mufick. 
 
 As for Civil Architecture (of Military I (hall fpeak 
 afterwards)' there is hardly any part of Matbematicks ^ 
 but is fome way fubfervient to it. Geometry and 
 Arithmetick for the Due meafure of the feveral parts 
 of a Building, the Plans, Models, computation of 
 Materials, time and charges : for ordering right its 
 Arches and Vaults, that they may be both firm and 
 beautiful : Mechanicks for its ftrength and firmnefs, 
 tranfporting and raifing materials: zndOpticfo for 
 the Symmetry and Beauty. And I would not have 
 any aflume the character of an Architect without a 
 competent fkill in all of thefe. You fee that Vi- 
 truvius requires thefe and many more for making a 
 compleat Architect. I muft own, that mould any 
 one let up to practice in any of the fore-mentioned 
 Arts, furnimed only with his Mathematical Rules, 
 lie would produce but very clumfy pieces. He, 
 
 that
 
 of Mathematical Learning. 2 
 
 that fhould pretend to draw by the Geometrical 
 Rules of Perfpeclive, or Compofe Mufick meerly 
 by his skill in Harmonical numbers, would fhew 
 but aukward performances. In thofe Compos'd 
 Subjects, befides the ftiff Rules, there nsuft be 
 Fancy, Genius, and Habit. Yet neverthelefs thefe 
 Arts owe their being to Mathemaiicks, as laying the 
 foundation of their Theory, and -affording them Pre- 
 cepts, which being once invented, are fecurely re- 
 ly'd upon by Practitiontis. Thus many defign, 
 that know not a tittle of the reafon of the Rules, 
 they practice by ; and many no better qualify 'd in 
 their way Compcfe Mufick, better perhaps than he 
 could have done, that invented the Scale,, and the 
 Numbers upon which their Harmony is founded. As 
 Matkematicks laid the foundation of thefe Arts, fo they 
 muft improve them : and he, that would invent, 
 mufr. be skill'd in Numbers, befides it is fit a Man 
 fhould know the true grounds and reafons of what 
 he ftudies : and he that doesib, will certainly prac- 
 tice in his Art with greater judgment and variety, 
 where the ordinary Rules fail him. 
 
 I proceed now to fhew the more immediate ufe- 
 fulnefs of Matbematicks in Civil Affairs. To begin 
 with Arithmetick^ it were an endlefs task to relate 
 its fcveral ufes in publick and private bufinefs. The 
 regulation and quick difpatch of both, feem entirely 
 owing to it. The Nations, that want it, .are alto- 
 gether barbarous, as fome Americans , who can 
 hardly reckon above twenty. And I believe it would 
 go near to ruin the Trade of the Nation, were the 
 eafy practice of Arithmetic!: abolifhed : for example, 
 were the Merchants and Tradefmc n oblig'd to make 
 ufe of no other than the Roman way of notation by 
 Letters, inftead of our prefent. And if we fhould 
 feel the want of our Arithmetick in the eafieft Cal- 
 culations, how much more in thofe, that are fome 
 B 3 thing
 
 22 An EJJay on tie Vfefulmfs 
 
 tHng harder; as Interefl fimple and compound An- 
 nuities, &c. in which, it is incredible, how much 
 the ordinary Rules and Tables influence the difpatch 
 of bufmefs. Arhbmct'uk is not only the great Ir- 
 ftrument of private Commerce, but by it are (or 
 ought to be) kept the publick Accounts of a Na- 
 tion : I mean thofe, that regard the whole State of 
 a Common- wealth, as to the number, frudification 
 of its people, increafe of Stock, improvement of 
 Lands and Manufactures, Ballance of Trade, Pub- 
 lick Revenues,Coynage, Military power by Sea and 
 Land, &c. Thofe, that would judge or reafon 
 truly about the State of any Nation, muft go that 
 way to work, fubjecling all the fore-mention'd par- 
 ticulars to Calculation. This is the true Political 
 knowledge. In this refpecl: the affairs of a Com- 
 mon-wealth differ from thofe .of a private Family, 
 only in the greatnefs and multitude of particulars, 
 that make up the accounts. Macbiavelzpcs this way 
 to work in his account of different Eftates. What 
 Sir William Petty and feveral others of our Country- 
 men have wrote in Political Arithmst'ick^ does abun- 
 dantly fhew the Pleafure and ufefulnefs of fuch 
 Speculations. It is true, for want of good informa- 
 tion, their Calculations fome times proceed upon er- 
 roneous fuppofitions : but that is not the fault of the 
 Art. But what is it, the Government could not 
 perform in this way, who have the command of all 
 publick Records ? 
 
 ' Laftly, Numbers are applicable even to fuch 
 things, as feem to be govem'd by no rule, I mean 
 fuch as depend on Chance : The quantity of proba? 
 bility and proportion > r it in any two propofed cafes 
 beipo; fubjcdt to Calculation as much as any thing 
 elfe. Up. n this deptnd the principles of G;.me. 
 \^ e find F u ;-rpcrs know enough of this, to cheat 
 ibmemtn that would take it very ill to be thought 
 
 Bub-
 
 of Mathematical Learning 2 3 
 
 Bubbles : And one Gamefter exceeds another, as he 
 has a greater fagacity and readlnefs in Calculating 
 : his probability to win or lofe in any propofed cafe. 
 To underfhnd the Theory of Chance thoroughly, 
 requires a great knowledge of Numbers, and a 
 pretty competent one of Algebra. 
 
 The feveral ufes of Geometry are not much fewer 
 than thofeof Arithmetick. It is neceflary for afcer- 
 taining of property both in Plains and Solids, or in 
 Surveying and Gauging. By it Land is fold by the 
 meafure as well as Cloth : Work-men are pay'd 
 the due price of their labour, according to fuper- 
 ficial or folid meafure of their work: and the quantity 
 of liquors determined for a due regulation of their 
 price and duty. All which do wonderfully conduce 
 to the eafy difpatch of bufmefs, and the preventing 
 of frauds and controverfies. I need not mention 
 the Meafuring diftances, laying down of Plans, and 
 Maps of Countries, in which we have daily Ex- 
 perience of its ufefulnefs. Thefe are fome familiar 
 inftances of things, to which Geometry is ordinarily 
 apply'd : of its ufe in Chi/, Military, and Naval 
 Architecture we fhall fpeak afterwards. 
 
 From Ajlronomy we have the regular difpofi tion 
 of our time, in a due fucceffion of years, which are 
 kept within their limits as to the return of the Sea- 
 fons, and the motion of the Sun. This is no fmall 
 advantage for the due repetition of the fame work, 
 Labour and Actions. For many of our Publick, 
 Private, Military, and the Country Affairs, Ap- 
 pointments, &c. depending on the produces of the 
 Ground, and they on the Seafons ; It is neceflary, 
 that the returns of them be adjufted pretty near to 
 the motion of the Sun : and we mould quickly find 
 the inconveniencyof a vague undetermined year, if 
 we ufed that of the Iltfabumetans 9 vthofe beginning and 
 .every month wanders through all the" days of our$ 
 JB 4 j or
 
 24 An E/ay on the Ufefulnefs 
 
 or the Solar year, which mews the Seafons. Befide, . 
 the adjuring of the Moon's motion to the Sun's is re^ 
 quired for the decent Obfervation and Celebration 
 of the Church- Fea/h and Fa/Is according to the An- 
 cient Cuftom and Primitive Inftitution ; and liker 
 wife for the knowing of the Ebbing and Flowing of 
 the Tides, the Spring and Neap 'Fides, Currents, 
 &e. So that what ever fome people may think of 
 an Almanack where all tfiefe are fct down, it is fome- 
 timcs the moft ufeful paper that is publifhed the fame 
 year with it : Nay, the Nation could better fpare all 
 the Voluminous Authors in the Term-Catalogue t 
 than that fingle fheet. Befides, without a regular 
 Chronology, there can be no certain Hiftory ; which 
 appears by the confufion amonglt Hiftorians before 
 the right difpofition of the year, and at prefent 
 among the Turks^ who have the fame cnnfufion in 
 their Hiftory as in their Kalendar. Therefore a 
 Matter of fuch importance might well deferve the 
 care of the Great Emperour^ to whom we owe our 
 prefent Kalendar ; who was himfelf a great pro- 
 ficient in Ajlrowomy. Pliny has quoted feveral things 
 from his Books of the Rifing and Setting of the 
 Stars. Lib. XVIII. cap. 25, 26, &c. and Lucan 
 makes him fay, 
 
 : Media inter pr alt a femper 
 
 Stellarum^ Caelique plagis, fuperifque vacavi. 
 
 The Mecbanicks have produced fo many ufeful 
 Engines, fubfervient'to c >nvenicncy, that it would 
 be a task too great to relate the feveral forts of them : 
 fome of them keep Life it felf from being a burden. 
 If we conhder fuch, as are invented for raifing 
 weights, and are employ'd in Building and other 
 great works, in which no impediment is too great 
 for them ; or Hydraulick Engines for raifing of 
 \Vaterjj ferving for great ufe and comfort to Man- 
 kind,
 
 of Mathematical Learning. 25 
 
 Jcind, where they have no other way to befupply'd 
 readily with that neceflary Element ; or fuch as, by 
 rn iking Wind and Water work tor us, fuve Animal 
 force and great charges, and perform thofe Actions, 
 which require a vaft multitude of hands, and with- 
 out which every Man's time would be too little to 
 prepare his own Aliment and other neceflaries ; or 
 thofe Machines, that have been invented by Man- 
 kind for delimit and curiofity, imitating the motions 
 of Animals, or other works of Nature ; we fliall 
 have reafon to admire and extol fo excellent an Art. 
 What Ihali we fay of the feveral Inftruments, which 
 ^re contriv'd to meafure time ? We fliould quickly 
 frnd the value of them, if we were reduced to the 
 Condition of thofe barbarous Nations, that want 
 them. The Pendulum-Clock invented and com- 
 pleatcd by that famous Aiatbentaiician Monfieur 
 Hugens is an ufeful invention. Is there any thing 
 more wonderful than feveral Planetary Machines, 
 which have been invented to fhew the motions of 
 the Heavenly Bodies, and their places at any time ? 
 Of which the moft Ingenious, according to the ex- 
 acted: Numbers and true Syftem, was made by the 
 fame M. Hugens : to which we may very juftly ap- 
 ply Claudian's noble Verfes upon that of Archimedes. 
 
 Jupiter in parvo cum cerneret jEthera vitro> 
 
 Riftt) 6f ad fuperos talia dicJa dcdlt : 
 Huccine mortalis progrejfa potcntia cures ? 
 
 Jam meus in fragili luditur or be labor. 
 Jura poli^ rerumque fidem, legefque Deorum 
 
 Ecce Syracujius tranjlulit arte fencx. 
 Inclufus variis famulatur fpiritus ajlris y 
 
 Et vivum certis motibus urget opus, 
 Percurrit proprium mentitus Jlgnifer annum, 
 
 Etjimulata novo Cynthia menfe redit. 
 
 Jamqi
 
 2.6 r An E/foy on the Ufcfulmfi 
 
 Gaudet, & bumana fidcra mente regit. 
 >uid falfo infant em tonitru Salnwnea miror ? 
 
 $Lmula nature parva reptrta tnanits. 
 jfatnq; fetum volvens audax indujiria mundum 
 Here I ought to mention the Sciatherical Inftru- 
 ments, for want of which there was a time, when 
 the Grecians themfelves were forced to meafure the 
 Shadow, in order to know the Hour; and as Pliny 
 (cap. ult. Lib. VII.) tells us, the Romans made ufe of 
 an erroneous Sun-dial for ninety nine years, till ^J. 
 Martins Pkilippus their Cenfor fet up a better ; which 
 no doubt at that time was thought a Jewel. And at 
 kft, that famous Pyramid was fet up in the Campus 
 Martins, to ferve for a Gnomon to a Dial marked 
 on the ftreet. To this fort of Engines ought to be 
 referred Spheres, Globes, djlrolabes, Projections of 
 the Sphere, &c. Thefe are fuch ufeful and neceflary 
 things, that alone may recommend the Art, by which 
 they are made. For by thefe we are able in our Clo- 
 fet to judge of the Celeftial motions, and to vifit 
 the moft diftant places of the Earth, wjthout the 
 fatigue and danger of Voyages ; to determine con- 
 cerning their Diftance, Situation, Climate, Nature 
 of the Seafons, length of their days, and their re- 
 lation to the Celeftial .Bodies, as much as if we were 
 Inhabitants. To all thefe I might add thofe Inftru- 
 ments, which the Mathematicians have invented to 
 execute their own precepts, for making Obfervations 
 either at Sea or Land, Surveying, Gauging, &c. 
 
 The Catoptricks and Dioptricks furnifh us with va- 
 riety of ufeful inventions, both for the promoting 
 of knowledge, and the convenjencies of Life j 
 whereby Sight, the great Inftrument of our per- 
 ception, is fo much improved, that neither the dif- 
 tance, nor the minutenefs of the Object are any 
 more impediments to it. The Telefcope is of fo vaft 
 nfe, that befides the delightful and ufeful purpofes it
 
 of Mathematical Learning. 2 7 
 
 is applied to here below, as the defcrying Ships and 
 Men, and Armies at a diftance, we have by its means 
 difcovered new parts of the Creation, frem inftances 
 of the furprizing Wifdom of the Adorable Creator. 
 We have by it difcovered the Satellites of Jupiter, 
 the Satellites and Ring of Saturn^ the Rotation of 
 the Planets about their own Axes; befides other ap- 
 pearances, whereby the Syfteni of the World is 
 made plain to fenfe^ as ,was before to reafon. The 
 ^Telefcope has alfo improved the manner of Aftronomit 
 cal Obfervations, and made them much more accu- 
 rate, than it was poflible for them to be before. And 
 thefe improvements \nAjlr ommy^ have brought along 
 with them (as ever) correfpondent improvements in 
 . Geography. From the Observation of Jupiter's Sa- 
 telliteS) we have a ready way to determine the Lori* 
 gitude of places on the Earth. On the other hand, 
 the Microfcope has not been lefs ufeful in helping us. 
 to the fight of fuch Objects, as by their minutenefs 
 efcape our naked eye. By it Men have purfued 
 Nature into its moft retired recedes ; fo that now it 
 can hardly any more hide its greateft Myfteries from 
 us. How much have we learned by the help of the 
 Microfcope of the contrivance and ftruclure of Ani- 
 mal and Vegetable Bodies, and the compofition of 
 Fluids and Solids ? But if thefe Sciences had ne- 
 ver gone further, than by their fmgle Specula and 
 Lentes to give thofe furprizing appearances of Ob- 
 jects and their Images, and to produce heat unimit;;- 
 ble by our hotteft Furnaces, and tofurnifh infallible, 
 eafy, cheap, and fafe remedies for the decay of our 
 
 Sight arifing commonly from old Age, and for pur- 
 blindnefs, they had merited the greateft 
 
 efteem, and 
 
 invited to the clofeft ftudy : efpecially if we confider, 
 that fuch as naturally are almoft blind, and either 
 know not their nearefl acquaintance at the diftance cJc 
 .a ropm'sbreadth, or cannot read in order to pafs theV 
 
 time
 
 28 'An E/ay on the Ufefukiefi 
 
 time pleafantly, are by Glaffes adapted to the defect 
 of their Eyes fet on a level again with thofe that en- 
 joy irieir Eye-fight befl, and that without danger, 
 pain or charge. 
 
 Again, Matbematicks are highly ferviceable to a 
 Nation in Military Affairs. I believe this will be 
 readily acknowledged by every body. The Affairs 
 of War take in Number, Space, Force, Diftance, 
 Time, &c. (things of Mathematical confideration^ 
 in all its parts, in Taflicks, Gajlrametation^ Fortify- 
 ing^ Attacquingy and Defending. The Ancients 
 had more occafion for Mechanicks in the Art oY War 
 than we have : Gun-powder readily producing a 
 force far exceeding all the Engines, they had con- 
 trived for Battery. And this I reckon has loft us a 
 good occafion of improving our Mechanicks : the 
 cunning of Mankind never exerting it felf fo much, 
 as in their Arts of deftroying one another. But, as 
 Gunpowder has made Mechanicks lefs ferviceable to 
 War j it has made Geometry more neceflary : There 
 being a force or refiftance in the due meafures and 
 proportions of the Lines and Angles of a Fortifica- 
 tion, which contribute much toward its ftrengch. 
 This Art of Fortification has been much ftudy'd of 
 late, but I dare not affirm, that it has attain'd its ut- 
 moft perfection. And tho' where the ground is re- 
 gular, it admits but of final! variety, the meafures 
 being pretty well determined by Geometry and Experi- 
 ence, yet where the ground is made up of natural 
 Strengths and Weabuffu t it affords fome fcope for 
 thinking and contrivance. But there is another much 
 harder piece of Geometry, which Gun-powder has 
 given us occafion to improve, and that is the doctrine 
 of Projectiles ; whereon the Art of Gunnery is found- 
 ed. Here the Geometers have invented a beautiful 
 Theory, and Rules and Inftruments, which have 
 reduced the cafting of Bombs to great exactnefs. As 
 
 for
 
 of Mathematical Learning. 2-9 
 
 for Tatficks and Cajlrametation, Matbematicks retain 
 the fame place in them as ever. And fome tolerable 
 skill in thefe is neccfTary for Officers, as well as for 
 Engineers. An Officer, that underftands Fortification, 
 will cateris paribits much better defend his poft, as 
 knowing, "wherein its ftrength confifts, or make ufe 
 of his advantage to his Enemy's Ruine, than he that 
 does not. He knows, when he leads never fo frnall 
 a party, what his advantages and difad vantages in De- 
 fending and Attacquing are, how to make the beft of 
 his Ground, fcV. And hereby can do truly more fer- 
 vice than another of as much Courage, who, for 
 want of fuch knowledge, it may be, throws away 
 himfelf and a number of brave Fellows under his 
 Command : and it's well, if the mifchief reaches 
 no further. As for a competent fkill in Numbers, it 
 is fo neceflary to Officers, that no Man can be fafely 
 trufted with a Company, that has it not. All the 
 bufmefs is not to fire Mufquets ; the managing of 
 Affairs, the dealing with Agents, &c. happen more 
 frequently. And the higher the Command is, the 
 more fkill in all the aforefaid things is required. And 
 I dare appeal to all the Nations in Europe, whether 
 c&teris paribits Officers are not advanced in propor- 
 tion to their fkill in Mathematical Learning ; except 
 that fome times Great Nanies and Duality carry it ; 
 but 1 1ill fo, as that the Prince depends upon a Man 
 of Mathematical Learning, that is put as director to 
 the Quality, when that Learning is wanting in it. 
 
 Lailly, Navigation which is made up of Agrono- 
 my and Geometry, is fo noble an Art, and to which 
 Mankind owes fo many advantages, that upon this 
 fmgle account thofe excellent Sciences deferve moft 
 of all to be ftudy'd, and merit the greateft encour- 
 agement from a Nation, that owes to it both its 
 Riches and Security. And not only does the com- 
 mon Art of Navigation depend on Matbtmaticks^ 
 
 but
 
 30 An Eflay on the Ufefulnefs 
 
 but whatever improvements mall be made i 
 chiteftura Navalis or Building of Ships, or Ships of 
 War, whether fwift running, or bearing a great 
 Sail, or lying near the Wind be defired, thefe muft 
 all be the Improvements of Geometry. Ship-Car- 
 penters indeed are very Induftrious ; but in thefe 
 things they acknowledge their inability, confefs that 
 their belt Productions are the effe&s of chance, and 
 implore the Geometers help. Nor will common 
 Geometry do the bufinefs ; it requires the moft ab- 
 ftrufe to determine the different fe6tions of a Ship, 
 according as it is defign'd for any of the aforefaid 
 ends. A French Mathematician P. Le Hojle has 
 lately endeavoured fome thing in this way : and tho* 
 it is not free from errors, as requiring a fuller know- 
 ledge in Geometry \ yet is the Author much to be 
 commmended for this, as having bravely defign'd, and 
 pav'd the way for other Mathematicians j and alfo 
 for the former and bigger part of his Book, where- 
 in he brings to a fyftem the working of Ships, and 
 the Naval Tatticks^ or the regular difpofition of a 
 Fleet in Attacquing, Fighting and Retreating, ac- 
 cording to the different circumftances of Windy 
 Tides, &c. 
 
 The great objection, that is made againft the 
 neceflity of Matbemat'icks, in the foremention'd 
 great Affairs of Navigation^ the Art Military, &o 
 is, that we fee thofe Affairs are carry'd on and ma- 
 naged by fuch, as are not great Mathematicians ; as 
 Sea-men, Engineers, Surveyors, &c. and that the 
 Mathematicians are commonly Speculative, Retir'd, 
 StudioiiaMcn, that are not for an active Life and 
 bufinefs, but content themfelvcs to fit in their 
 Studies, and pore over a Scheme or a Calculation. 
 To which there is this plain and eafy anfwer : The 
 Mathematicians have not only invented and or- 
 der'd all the Arts above-mentioned, by which tho fa 
 
 grand-
 
 of Mathematical Learning. 3 * 
 
 jrrand Affairs are managed ; but have laid down 
 Precepts, contriv'd Inftruments and Abridgments fa 
 plainly, that common Artificers are capable of prac- 
 tifing by them, tho' they underftand not a tittle of 
 the grounds, on which the Precepts are built. And 
 in this they have confulted the good and neceflities 
 of Mankind. Thofe Affairs demand fo great a num- 
 ber of people to manage them, that it is impoffible 
 to breed fo many good or even tolerable Mathema- 
 ticians. The only thing then to be done was to 
 make their Precepts fo plain, that they might be 
 underftood and pradtifed by a multitude of Men. 
 This will beft appear by examples. Nothing is 
 more ordinary than difpatch of bufinefs by common 
 Arithmetlck^ by the Tables of firnple and compound 
 Interefti Annuities^ &c. Yet how few Men of bu- 
 finefs underftand the reafons of common Artibmctick 
 or the contrivance of thofe Tables, now they are 
 made ; but fecurely rely on them as true. They 
 were the good and the Thorough-Mathematicians* 
 that made thofe Precepts fo plain and Calculated 
 thofe Tables, that facilitate the practice fo much. 
 Nothing is more univerfally neceflary, than the mea- 
 f uring of Plains and Solids : And it is impoffible to 
 breed fo many good Mathematicians, as that there 
 may be one, that underftands all the Geometry re- 
 quifite for Surveying, and meafuring of Prtfms and 
 Pyramids., and their parts, and meafuring Frujiums 
 of Conoids and Sheroids, in every Market-Town, 
 where fuch work is neceflary : the Mathematicians 
 have therefore infcrib'd fuch Lines on their common 
 Rulers, and Slipping Rulers, and adapted fo plain 
 Precepts to them, that every Country-Carpenter, 
 and Gauger, can do the bufinefs accurately enough; 
 tho' he knows no more of thofe Inftruments, Ta- 
 bles, and Precepts he makes ufe of than a Hobby- 
 horfe. So in Navigation^ it is hnpofiible to breed 
 
 fa
 
 J 2 An E/ay on the Ufefulntfs 
 
 fo many good Mathematicians, as would be necef- 
 fary to fail the hundredth part of the Ships of the 
 Nation. But the Mathematicians have 'aid downfo 
 plain and diiUnct Prec p s, Caleul atcd neccffary 
 Tables, and contriv'd convenient Inftruments, fo 
 that a Sea-man, that knows not the trutiis, on 
 which his Pr.ccpts and Tables depend, may practice 
 fafely by them. They refoive Triangles every day* 
 that know not the reafon < i any one of their Opera- 
 tions. Sea-men in their Calculations make ufe of 
 Artificial Numbers or Logarithms, that know nothing 
 of their contrivance : an.u indeed all thofe great In- 
 ventions of the moft famous Mathematicians had 
 been almoft ufelefs for thofe common and great 
 Affairs, had not the practice of them been made 
 eafy to thofe who cannot underftand them. From 
 hence it is plain, that it is to thofe Speculative Retired 
 Men, we owe the Rules, the Inflruments, the Pre- 
 cepts for ufmg them, and the Tables which facilitate 
 the difpatch of fo many great Affairs, and fupply 
 Mankind wi'h fo many conveniences of Life. They 
 were the Men, that taught the World to apply 
 Aritkhietitk) Ajlronomy, and Sailing, without which 
 the Needle would be (till ufelefs. Juft the fame 
 way in the other p-its of Matbematicks, the Pre- 
 cepts that are pr.icttfed by muitituue?, without 
 being underftood, were coniriv'd by fom.2 few great 
 Mathematicians. 
 
 Since then it has tvn (hewn, how \n\ic\\Mathe- 
 maiicks improve the Mind, how fuhfervient they are 
 to other Arts, :-.n 1 h.r.v immediately ufctul to the 
 Commonwealth, there needs no other arguments or 
 motives to a Gov niiaent, to encourage them. This 
 is the natural conciufion from thcfe preirnies. Plato 
 \n\\\sRepublick (lib. VII.) ta.'ces c.;re, That, who- 
 ever is to be Educated for Mz?jilracy, or any confide- 
 rable Pojl in the Comm/snijuiaiih, may be injirutted firft
 
 of Mathematical Learning. %\ 
 
 in Arithmetic!*^ then in Geometry^ and th irdly in Af- 
 tronomy. And however neceflary thofe Arts where 
 in Plat is time, they are much more fo now : The 
 Arts of "War and Trade requiring much more the 
 alfiftance of thofe Sciences now, than they did then j 
 as being brought to a greater height and perfection. 
 And accordingly we fee, thf fe Sciences are the parti- 
 cular care of Princes, that defign to raife the Force 
 and Power of their Countries. It is well known, 
 that this is none of the leaft Arts, whereby the 
 French King has brought his fubjecls to make that 
 Figure at Sea, which they at this time do j I mean, 
 the care He takes for Educating thofe appointed for 
 Sea-fervice in Mathematical Learning. For in the 
 Ordinance Marine^ tit. v'ni. He orders, that there 
 
 * be Profeflors to teach Navigation puhlickly in all 
 
 * the Sea- port Towns, who muft know defigning, and 
 ' teach it to their Scholars, in order to lay down the 
 ' appearances of Coafts, csV. They are to keep 
 4 their Schools open, and read four times a week to 
 
 * the Sea-men, where they muft have Charts. 
 ' Globes, Spheres, Compafles, Quadrants, Aftro- 
 c labes, and all Books and Inftruments necefTary 
 ' to teach their Art. The Directors of Hofpitals 
 
 * are oblig'd lo fend thither yearly two or three 
 ' of their boys to be taught, and to furnifh them 
 
 * with Books and Inrtruments. Thofe Profeflbrs 
 
 * are oblig'd to examine the Journals depofited In 
 ' the Office of Admiralty, in the place of their 
 ' eftablifliment j to correct the errors in prefence 
 
 * of the Sea- men, and to rcftorc them within a 
 
 * month, &V." King Charles the fccond, who well 
 underftood the importance of Eftablimments of 
 this nature, founded cue fuch School in Ckrijl't 
 Hofpital^ London ; which, I believe, is inferiour to 
 none of the French : but 'tis to be wifhed there 
 were many more fuch. His prefent Maitftj^ during 
 
 VOL. I. C th
 
 34 An E/ay on tbe Ufefulnefs 
 
 the time of the late War, eftablifhed a Mathetrux* 
 ilcal Letture to breed up Engineers and Officers, as 
 knowing very well the importance thereof. And 
 this continued fome time after the Peace. And it is 
 worthy the confideration of the Wijdom of the Na- 
 tion, whether the reftoring and continuing this, even 
 in Peace, be not expedient for the breeding of En- 
 gineers, who are fo ufeful and valuable, and fo dif- 
 ficult to be had in time of War, and fo little dan- 
 gerous in times of Peace. 
 
 Befides the crowd of Merchants, Sea-men, Sur- 
 veyors, Engineers, Ship- carpenters, Artifans, &c. 
 that are to be inftructed in the practice of fuch parts 
 of Matbematicks, as are neceflary to their own bu- 
 fmefs reflectively, a compleat number of able Ma- 
 thematicians ought to be entertained, in order to ap- 
 ply themfelves to the practice ; not only to inftruct 
 the former fort, but likewife to remove thofe ob- 
 ftacles, which fuch, as do not think beyond their 
 common Rules, cannot overcome. And no doubt 
 it is no fmall impediment to the advancement of 
 Arts, that Speculative Men and good Matbematiaar.t 
 are unacquainted with their particular defects,and the 
 feveral circumftances in them, that render things 
 Practicable or impracticable. But if there were pub- 
 Jick encouragement, we (hould have skilful Mathe- 
 maticians employed in thofe Arts, who would cer- 
 tainly find out and remedy the imperfections of them. 
 The prefent Lords Commiflioners of the Admiralty 
 knowing, that there are ftill two great Defidtrata in 
 Navigation, to wit, The Tlieory of the variation cf 
 the magnet tea I Needle, and a met 'hod of fludy ing cut 
 the Longitude of any place, that may be practicable 
 at Sea by Sea-men, and being fenfible, of what im- 
 portance it would be to find out cither of them,, 
 have imployed a very fit perfon, the ingenious Mr. 
 , who has joyn'd an en tire acquaintance in the 
 
 practice^
 
 of Mathematical Learning. 35 
 
 practice, to a full and thorough knowledge of the 
 more abftrufe parts of Mathematlch. And now 
 that he is returned, it is not doubted, but he will 
 fatisfy thofe, that fent him, and in due time the 
 World too with his difcoveries in both thofe par- 
 ticulars, and in many other, that he has had occa- 
 fion to make. And where a long feries of Obfer- 
 vations and Experiments is neceflary, he has no 
 doubt laid fuch a foundation, as that After-Obfervera 
 may gradually perfect them. If it were not for 
 more than the corre&ing the fituation of the Coafts, 
 where he touched, and by them others, whofe re- 
 htion to the former is known, the Nation is more 
 than triply pay'd : and thofe, who fent him, have 
 by his Miflion fecured to themfelves more true Ho- 
 nour and lafting Fame, than by Actions, that at rirfl 
 view appear more Magnificent. 
 
 The next thing, that is neceffkry for the im- 
 provement of Mathematical Learning^ is, That 
 Mathematicks be more generally ftudy'd at our 
 Uuiverftiies than hitherto they have been. From 
 thofe Seminaries the State juftly expects and de- 
 mands thofe, who are acquainted both with the 
 Speculation and Praftice. In thofe are all the en- 
 couragements to them imaginable, Leifure and Af- 
 fiftance. There are ftill at hand Books and In- 
 ftruments, as alfo other Scholars that have made 
 equal progrefs, and may be Comrades in ftudy, 
 and the direction of the Profeflbrs. There are alfo 
 in perfection all the incitements to this ftudy, and 
 efpecially an acquaintance with the works of the An- 
 cients, where this Learning is fo much recommen- 
 ded : There other Faculties are ftudy'd, to which 
 it is fubfervient. There alfo are the Nobility and 
 Gentry bred, who, in due time muft be called to 
 their {hare in the Government of the F/tfts, Arny t 
 "Trtafury, and other Public k Employments, where 
 C 2 '
 
 36 'An E/ay on the Ufefulnefs 
 
 Mathematical Learning is absolutely necefTary and 
 without which, they, tho' of never fo great Natural 
 parts, muft be at the mercy and difcretion of their 
 Servants and Deputies ; who will firft cheat them, 
 and then laugh at them. And not only Publick Em* 
 ployments, but their Private Concerns demand Ma- 
 thematical knowledge. If their Fortunes lie in 
 Woods, Coal, Salt, Manufactures, &c. the neceflity 
 of this knowledge is open and known : and even in 
 Land-Eftates, no undertaking for improvement 
 can be fecurely rely'd upon without it. It not 
 only makes a Man of Quality and Eftate his whole 
 Life more Illuiirious, and more ufeful for all Af- 
 fairs, (as Hippocrates fays, irojiu? Si ^ira croi J9rr, 
 r*f*iTfit?5 y$ Agi9fx,rj(7io?. a yag fiovov, peo % tot jStov tvxhex 
 
 x} TM -fyvxr.v ot-vrep.]/ TI xj rr^auysrs^v, &C.) but 
 
 ticular, it is the beft Companion for a Country Life. 
 Were this once become a fafliionable ftudy (and the 
 Mode exercifes its Empire over Learning as well as 
 other things) it is hard to tell, how far it might in- 
 fluence the Morals of our Nobility and Gentry, in 
 rendring the Serious, Diligent, Curious, taking 
 them off from the more fruitlefs and airy exercifes 
 of the Fancy, which they are apt to run into. 
 
 The only Objection, I can think of,, that is 
 brought againrr thefe ftudies, is, that Mathematicks 
 require a particular turn of Head, and a happy Ge- 
 nius that few people are Mafters of, without which 
 all the pains beftowed upon the ftudy of them are in 
 vain : They imagine that a Man mujl be a Mathema- 
 iidan. I anfwer, that this Exception is common to 
 Mathematicks and other Arts. That there are per- 
 fons that have a particular capacity and fitnefs to 
 one more than another, every body owns: And from 
 experience I dare fay, it is not in any higher degree 
 true concerning Mathematicks than the others. A 
 
 Man
 
 of Mathematical Learning. 37 
 
 Man of good fenfe and application is the Perfon, 
 that is by nature fitted for them : efpecially, if he be- 
 gins betimes: And if his circumftances have been 
 fuch, that this did not happen, by prudent direction 
 the defet may be fupply'd as much as in any Art 
 whatfoever. The only advantage this Obje&ion 
 has, is, that it is on the fide of foftnefs and idle- 
 nefs, thofe two powerful Allies. 
 
 There is nothing further remains, Sir, but that I 
 give you my thoughts in general concerning the Or- 
 der and Method of ftudying Mathematicks j which I 
 (hall do very fhortly, as knowing that you are alrea- 
 dy acquainted with thebeft methods, and others with 
 you may have them eafily from the beft and ableft 
 hands. 
 
 Firft then, I lay down for a principle, that no 
 body at an Univerjity is to be taught the practice of 
 any rule without the true and folid reafon and demon- 
 ftration of the fame. Rules without demonftration 
 muft and ought to be taught to Seamen, drtifans^ 
 &c. as I have already faid ; and Schools for fuch 
 people are fit in Sea-ports and Trading-Towns ; but 
 it is far below the dignity of an Univerfity, which 
 is defigned for folid and true Learning, to do this. 
 It is from the Univerfities, that they muft come, 
 who are able to remedy the defects of the Arts : and 
 therefore nothing muft be taken on truft there. Sea- 
 tnen and Surveyors, &c. remember their Rules, be- 
 caufe they are perpetually pra&ifing them : But 
 Scholars, who are not thus employ'd, if they know 
 not the demonftration of them, prefentiy forget 
 them. 
 
 Secondly, no part of Mathematicks ought to be 
 taught by Compendium;. This follows from the for- 
 mer. Compendium* are fit to give a general and fu- 
 perficial knowledge, not a thorough one. It is time, 
 and not'the bulk of Books, we ought to be fparing 
 C 3 t
 
 $$ An Effay en the Ufefulnefs 
 
 of: And I appeal to any perfon of Experience, whe- 
 ther folid knowledge is not acquired in fhortcr time 
 by Books treating fully of their fubjecls, than by 
 Compendiums and Abridgments. 
 
 From hence it follows, that the Elements of Arlth-- 
 metick and Geometry are to be taught. Euclid in his 
 thirteen Books of Elements gives us both : but our 
 prefent way of Notation fuperfedes fome of thofe of 
 ^ritbmetic^ t as demonftrating the Rules from the O- 
 perations themfelves. There remain then the firft: 
 fix Books for the Geometry of Plains^ and the laft 
 three for Stereometry . The reft ought to be read in 
 their own Place for the perfection of Arithmctick. 
 In teaching thefe, care ought to be taken to make 
 ufe of fuch Examples, as fuit with the condition of 
 the Scholar. For inftance, Merchants Account: and 
 Affairs for Examples of the Operations of Arith- 
 tnttick) to one that is afterwards to have a concern 
 that way ; whereas to a Man of the firft Quality, 
 examples from the encreafe and decreafe of the people^ 
 or from Land or Sea force ^ and from the Ta Picks 
 ought to be propofed. For it is certain, nothing 
 makes one tir'd fooner, than the frivolousand trifling 
 examples, that are commonly brought for the exer- 
 cife of the Rules of Arithmetick and Geometry : tho* 
 this is common to them with the other Arts, as Gram- 
 . tnar y Logick, &c. 
 
 The manner of Writing of the Mathematicians 
 of this and the former Age makes Trigonometry, with 
 the^manner of conftru&ing its Tables, sV. almoft 
 Elementary ; and the Practical Geometry^ commonly 
 fo called, is very fit to come next, as an elegant ap- 
 plication of the Elements of Geometry to Bufmefs, as 
 Surveying^ Gauging^ &c. 
 
 After the Elements of Sphericks^ which are per- 
 fectly well handled by Tliegdofius^ a full infight into 
 the principles of AJlrwomy will be neceflary. 
 
 Mttba*
 
 of Mathematical Learning. 39 
 
 Mfcbanicks come next to be read, which are the 
 Ground of a great part of Natural Learning : and 
 afterwards Opticks, Catoptrlcks, and Dioptrlcks. 
 ' But none of thefe except the Elements can be ful- 
 ly underftood untjl one is pretty well fkill'd in Conick 
 Sections : AnJ all thefe are made more eafy by fome 
 tolerable fkiil in Algebra* and its application Gso 
 metry. 
 
 Thefe foundations being laid, any one may with 
 great eafe purfue the ftudy of the Mathematicks, as 
 his occafions require : either in its abftraft parts, and 
 the more recondite Geometry, and its application to 
 Natural knowledge ; or in Mechanicks, by profe- 
 cuting t'le Staticks, Hydro/1 sticks. Bailiwicks, &c. 
 or in djlronomy, by its application to Geography, Na- 
 vigation, Gnomonicks, Aflrolabn, &c. But in moft 
 of thefe a particular order is not neceflary. Any one 
 may take that firft, which he is moft inclined to. 
 
 1 fhall not offer you any advice concerning the 
 choice of Books, but refer you (if you want any) to 
 the direction of thofe, who are Eminent among you 
 in this part of Learning. I alk your pardon for the 
 omiffion of Ceremony in thefe papers, having followed 
 rather the ordinary way of Ejfiy than Letter ; and 
 wilhing you good fucceis in yourftudies, I am, 
 
 S I R, 
 
 25. Novttnb* 
 1700. 
 
 Tour Friend and Servtm,
 
 * \ 
 
 ( 4 ) 
 
 A BRIEF 
 
 ACCOUNT 
 
 O F 
 Mr. JOHN GlNGLICUTT's 
 
 TREATISE 
 
 Concerning the 
 
 jilt creation or Scolding of the ^Indents. 
 
 IWas born near the Monument of that dreadful 
 Fire which confum'd this auguft City, where 
 my Mother, Mrs.' Judith Ginglicutt, being foorj 
 after my Birth left a Widow, has continued to fell 
 fome Fifties of the teftaceous Kind, which exert their 
 flimulating Quality on the Conftitutions of fuch as 
 at them, and in the Difcourfeof fuch as vend them. 
 My,. Mother, by an aiTiduous and honeft Traffick 
 in the aforefaid Commodity, acquir'd wherewith, 
 not only to maintain, but liberally to educate me, 
 her only Child. 
 
 When I became thoroughly acquainted with the 
 Greek and Roman Authors, I thought it incumbent 
 upon me to do fomething towards the Honour of the 
 Fiace of my Nativity, and to vindicate the Rheto- 
 
 rick
 
 Concerning the Alter cation y &c. 41 
 
 rick of this ancient Forum of our Metropolis, from 
 the Afperfions of the Illiterate, by compofmg, A 
 Treatife of the Altercation of the Ancients ; wherein 
 I have demonftrated that the Purity, Sincerity, and 
 Simplicity of their Diction, is no where fo well pre- 
 fcrv'd as amongft my Neighbourhood. 
 
 The Word Altercation, which properly fignifies 
 delating, has lilcewife been tranflatedybMVzg- ; there- 
 fore complying with modern Barbarity, I have taken 
 it in the moft extenfive Senfe. 
 
 I propofe ptthJifhing this my Treatife by Subfcrip- 
 tion ; the Reafons which have induced me to do it at 
 this time, are, Fir/1, To rectify a general miftake of 
 the Moderns, who find fault with the acute Stile of 
 the prefcnt political Deputations. Secondly, To ad- 
 minifter Comfort unto fuch as think themfclves a- 
 bus'd on either Side, by fhewing, that calling of 
 Names is true Greek arid Roman Eloquence, and 
 bearing fuch Appellations is Greek and Roman Virtue. 
 Thirdly ', To diffipate the Fears of fome well-mean- 
 ing People, who think our Liberty in danger, which 
 is impoffible, as long as this truly ancient and polite 
 Rhetorick fubfifts, which is both the Symptom and 
 Caufe of publick Liberty. Fourthly, To afliit the 
 promifing Genius's which are daily riling in my na- 
 tive Country. 
 
 The Miftake of People who ccnfure the plain 
 Appellations and Epithets which the political Anta- 
 gonifts on each beftow on their Adverfaries, proceeds 
 from twoCaufes; the firlt is the not furHciently dif- 
 tinguifhing between Propriety and Truth of Speech : 
 Propriety of Language is when an Author maketh 
 ufe of the Expreflion which is moft appofite to his 
 own Idea, but doth not fuppofe the Idea to be either 
 abfoiutely true or falfe : Thus he who thinks, and 
 calls his Adverfary a Rogue, certainly fpcaks proper- 
 ly, tho' perhaps not truly ; thoie Terms of Objur- 
 gation
 
 42. Concerning the Altercation 
 
 gation which fo offend the Moderns, are only fhort 
 and fignificant Words to cxprefs a complex Idea. 
 Thus tell a Modern, Sir, you have often detteved mf t 
 it would only put him upon his own Vindication ; 
 but if you call him a Cheat, you run the rifque of a 
 drubbing : and pray v/hat fhould make fo wide a 
 Difference between a Circumlocution and a Noun- 
 Subftantive, which both exprefs the fame Thing ? 
 The fecond Caufe of this general Miftake, is Igno- 
 rance of the Languages and Manners of pureft Anti- 
 quity, wherein this opprobious Language (fo much 
 cenfur'd now-a-days) was quite familiar, as I have 
 ihow'd through the whole Body of my Work. In 
 the firft Chapter I have fettled the Notion of the 
 Term Barbarous, which was conftantly apply'd to 
 every thing that was not Greek or Roman, and ought 
 ftill to retain the fame Signification j in confequence 
 .e which, I have prov'd that the ceremonious, hum- 
 ble* low Manner of Speech and Addrefs of the Mo- 
 derns, their pompous Titles of Honour, Coats of 
 Arms, and all the Jargon of Heraldry and Chivalry, 
 are Gothick and Barbarous, introduc'd by the Fall 
 of the Republicks of Greece and Rome. Did ever a 
 Citizen of any of thofe Republicks, fay to his Equal 
 or Superior, Tour devoted Slave ? On the contrary, 
 the Dialect of thofe Republicks, where they cxll 
 Things by their plain Names, is quite Polite, as the 
 ptrrer is unclaflkal and barbarous. Polite and Civil, 
 the firft a Greek, the fecond a Latin Word,, figniiy 
 what iseuftomary in a well-order'd City, or Com- 
 mon-wealth ; and tho' the Ignorant may be forgivep, 
 k is quite fcandalous in Men of a liberal Educatiop,. 
 to find fault with calling of Names in publick Papers 
 and Harangues, and much more fo, to make them 
 the Subject of Quarrels, which every Body knows 
 is Gothick. In my/r/? Chapter,! fettle the original 
 Right of this Sort of Altercation, which is moftin- 
 
 defeifible
 
 or Scolding of the j4ncients. 43 
 
 defeifible and unlimited in the Female-Sex amongft 
 all Ranks and Degrees, except between old and 
 young Women ; the latter being fuppofed to want 
 the Protection and benevolent Affiftance of the for- 
 mer. Secondly, That there is no mutual Right of 
 Altercation between different Sexes, except in the 
 Matrimonial State. Thirdly, That the Right of Al- 
 tercation fubfifts between Perfonages of equal Rank, 
 Gods, Godefles, Monarchs, Generals, and publick 
 Orators ; likewife between Republican Orators and 
 Monarchs. Fourthly, Between the People of free 
 Governments and their Magiftrates ; but not be- 
 tween Monarchs and their individual Subjects. I 
 have fhown that Antiquity abounds with Example* 
 of all thofe Kinds. 
 
 Homer has given us a very pompous and decent 
 Reprefentation of the Altercation of the Divinities 
 in a full Aflembly : Juno tells Jupiter, that he wa 
 quite infufferable, furly and referv'd as to her ; tho* 
 that Hufley, Venus, would get it out of him. Ju- 
 piter as fharply rebukes her for her Curiofity, and at 
 laft threatens her with a little corporal Correction ; 
 and which is moft ftrange, poor Vulcan the Black- 
 fmith, feems to be the only civil Perfon in the whole 
 Aflembly, (according to the modern Notion of Ci- 
 vility) for he fpeaks to his Mother not to difturb 
 good Company. Another time, when Juno waft 
 reproaching Jupiter for being hard-hearted to her, in 
 not letting her get her Will of the Trojans, he tells 
 her politely, / iu ijh you had Priamus and all his 
 Children raw in your Guts. Neptune rails at his Bro- 
 ther Jupiter moft bitterly ; Let him, quoth he, go- 
 vern his own Baftards, and not meddle out of his Pro- 
 vince. \Vhat a terrible Scuffle amongft thofe De- 
 ities, when Jupiter gave them Leave each to a& 
 Recording to his own Inclination in the Trojan War ? 
 What fcolding, kicking, tripping up of Heels ? 
 
 Afinrtw
 
 44 Concerning the Altercation 
 
 JMincrva calls Mars a Blockhead, &c. Apolli 
 
 calls Neptune a Fool, &c. Jupiter ail the while 
 
 {halting his Sides with Laughter, well-judging that 
 it was neceflary to give the Divinities proper Oppor- 
 tunities to vent their Spleen at each other ; nor does 
 it appear that there was ever any Offence taken at 
 Words. 
 
 In this Chapter, for the Benefit of the Ladies, I 
 have made a Collection of Epithets in ufe amongit 
 the Divinities, proper on parallel Occafions ; for fure 
 no Pcrfon of Quality can think herfelf abus'd in the 
 Language of the Goddefles ? 
 
 Honing according to his ufual Propriety of Man- 
 ners and Sentiments, introduceth his Heroes talking 
 in the fame Dialeft. Achilles, the firft Word, calls 
 Agamemnon, covetous, impudent, cunning Fcx y Vol- 
 pone, as you might fay, (which I have obferv'd, has 
 hlwavs been a fatal \Vord for raifing Sedition) Dog- 
 ey d, Deer 1} farted, drunken Sot. Agamemnon an- 
 i'wcrs very fharply, Be gone with your Myrmidons, / 
 will take yiur JF'ench from y,u in fpite of your Teeth. 
 The Poet imagin'd no lefs than three fcolding Bouts 
 neceflary to fupport this Epifode, and makts Jupi- 
 ter approve of the termagant Spirit of Achilles on 
 all thefe Occafions. Heeler, without any Offence, 
 chides his Brother Paris, (who by the way wanted 
 .not Courage) for bein^ too handfonie, well-drefs'd, 
 and a Favourite of the Ladies, C5V. Ulyjfes rebukes 
 Agumcmnon moft fharply for propofing a Retreat, 
 and Agamemnon thanks him for it. 
 
 This laudable Right of Objurgation defcended to 
 the Heroes of latter Times, which they ufed with 
 great Freedom in Terms, which for Time immemo- 
 rial, have been in Fafhion in the Place of my Na- 
 tivity. 
 
 Ph-ilip,. King of Alftcedon, aflertcd this Right of 
 Scoluing as A Conqueror, after the Battle of Chero*
 
 cr Scolding of the dncients. 4$ 
 
 naa^ indulged his Joy for the Victory by getting ex- 
 tremely drunk, dancing all Night in the Field of 
 Battle, and going from Rank to Rank calling his 
 Prifoners Names ; Damadcs, one of them, with the 
 fame decent Freedom, told Philip, That be afledtht 
 Part of Therfttes, rather than that of Agamemnon. 
 Philip fenfible that his Prifoner might Mill ufe his 
 Tongue, which was not difarm'd, was highly de- 
 lighted with the Smartnefs of the Repartee, and for 
 the fake of this ban mot difmifs'd the Prifoners with- 
 out Ranfom, tho' by the way, there was not fo 
 much in it, for Agamemnon was both a great Scold 
 and a great Captain. 
 
 When polite Learning reviv'd in this Part of the 
 World, about the Time of Charles the Fifth and 
 Francis the Firft, both thofe Monarchs afferted their 
 Right of Altercation : The Lye was given, but tho 
 the Language was quite polite, the Challenge was 
 Gothick. There has been an Inftance of the fame 
 nature in our own Days, and I was quite amatn'd 
 to fee Men of polite Literature cenfure the Pro- 
 ceeding. 
 
 I havelikewife collected many of the polite Com- 
 pliments of republican Ambafladors and Orators to 
 Monarchs : That of Demochares the Athenian Am- 
 bafiador; who, when King Philip afk'd him and 
 his Collegues if there was any thing, in which he 
 could ferve them, fmartly reply'd, Go hang ycurfdj, 
 that is the greateji Service you can do us : And indeed 
 tho' it founds uncouth to a modern Ear, it was the 
 greateft Compliment he could make ; for it was as 
 much as to fay, You muft be the Terror of the A- 
 thenians as long as you live. 
 
 King Philip honour'd Demojihenes with the Title 
 of the Rampart <?/* Athens, (an Appellation fuperior 
 to any yet beftow'd upon our Craftfman] and yet 
 Demofthenis wa fo far from being corrupted by his 
 
 Compliment,
 
 46 Concerning the Altercation 
 
 Compliment, that he continued to exercife the Rights 
 of his Function with his ufual Politenefs and Franlc- 
 nefs. The Epithets he. beftows upon Philip are Per- 
 fidious, Perjured, barbarous Ufurper ; a Cheat ; Wick- 
 ednefi in the Abftratt ; a wretched Macedonian, bom 
 in a Corner of the World where one could not fo much 
 aspurchafe a good Slave; that his Court (no doubt a 
 very polite one) was compos'd of Parafites, Profti- 
 tutes, Robbers, Barda/hes, good-for-nothing Rafcah, 
 Athenian Exiles, Mountebanks, Pantomime?, (Har- 
 lequins) Ballad-makers that revel* d and danc'd after 
 an obfcene Manner ; that Philip himfelf -was what ive 
 call a Sodomite, that his Son Alexander was an Idi- 
 ot, &c. As for the Jus Alter catienis, the mutual 
 Right of Scolding amongfr. publick Orators, DemoJ}- 
 benes was fo far from giving it up, or complaining of 
 it, that he only reprimands the Orators on the other 
 Side, for making their Exordiums of calling Names 
 too long, and not coming fooner to their Motion. 
 He diftinguifheth judicioufly between Accufation and 
 Jnvelive ; the Firfl being the Allegation of a Crime 
 punifhable by Law, the Laft, fome loofe Reflections 
 which People, in the Heat of Difcourfe, thought 
 incumbent upon them to make upon their Antago- 
 nifts. Ef chines calls Heaven and Earth to witnefs, 
 that none of the Rogues and Wizards of former 
 Times ever come up to the Villany of Demofthenes t 
 he reproaches him for taking a Box on the Ear, and 
 compounding it for thirty Marks ; that he was a Co- 
 ward, and runaway at the Battle of Cheronaa ; he 
 sails him wild Beaft, Iron-head, and tells him, That 
 his Grandfather was a banifh'd Felon, his Mother a 
 .barbarous Scythian, and himftlf a pitiful Attorney 
 that took Money on both Sides ; a Hangman that 
 had murder'd his Landlord, &c. Demojthenes re- 
 turns his Compliments with Cheat, Difgraccof Hu- 
 4in Nature, a poor Scri-vener's- Clerk, Pettifogger, 
 
 Saflpool
 
 $r Scolding oftbt Ancients* 47 
 
 Saflpool of Vice, howjhouldyou have any Learning f 
 ^vas not your Father Elpias'j Slave, and your Mother 
 a common Strumpet, 'till Jhe had the happinefs to be 
 kept by a Hautboy, and was afterwards known by the 
 Name of the Old Witch ? Tou pitiful Slave of poor 
 School/najler, where all your Employment was fweep- 
 ing the School, btcaufe you are us'd to drubbing your- 
 fetf; poor wretched Stroler, you call me Coward, for- 
 footh, becaufe I am not inur d to fuch Dangers : if it 
 was not for fear of offending again/I good Manners 
 (far which I am noted] I would ufe you as you deferw, 
 yott impudent Wretch. By good Manners here, is 
 meant Sincerity, in oppofition to what we call Com- 
 pliments, which would have been deem'd an Abufe, 
 
 The Orators cxercifed the fame Jurifdidlion over 
 their Audience. Deimfthenes twits the Athenians of>- 
 ten, with the Simplicity of the Manners of their 
 Anceftors ; calls them a Parcel of lazy Drones, Fre- 
 tners of Votes and Refolutions, Newfmongtn, Time* 
 ferfters^ Spendthrifts ^ Ragamujfians^ who would <3o 
 any thing for Money to fpend in their Diversions* 
 There is nothing gives a ftronger Idea of the Politics- 
 nefs of the ancient Altercation compar'd with the 
 modern Forms of Civility, than French Tranflation* $ 
 That of a very learned Perfon (kill'd in both Lan- 
 ' guages runs thus, MeJJieurs (Gentlemen } you <ar< A 
 Pfffk of Scoundrek. 
 
 What relates to our prefent Circumftances ar 
 Speeches againft Incendiaries, and againft Minifters, 
 cf both which I have made a choice Collection out 
 of that Roman Orator 7V/y. I hope the Incendi- 
 aries will not difdain the polite Treatment of Cata- 
 line and Company, of being the Dregs, the Jakes, 
 the Sink, the common Sewer of the Republick, 
 Nor the other Side that of Verrcs, L. Pift, or An- 
 thony, Men of the higheft Dignity. I take Vtrrt^ 
 (the Subject of a whole Volume- of Orations), to 
 
 biVi
 
 48 Concerning tie Altercation 
 
 have been much fuch a Man as a Governour of one 
 of our Plantations or Factories, who one may fay, 
 did not go over to learn the Language ; a lover of 
 fine Painting, Statues, &c. what one would nowa- 
 days call a fine Gentleman, very Avaricious becaufe 
 Expenfive. TuHy, who certainly knew the Rules of 
 Decorum better than any Man of his Time, apc- 
 ftrophizeth this fins Gentleman in the ufual I cnws of 
 Art, wicked Fellow, Thief, Robber^ Prevaricator^ 
 Traitor, li^hore-majrer, impudent, mad^ audacious 
 FeLow, Monjh-r, Prodigy of ll''ickednefs. When 
 he allows a Neutrality, in not attacking him on fome 
 of his Vices, it is only to fove the Honour and Re- 
 putation of Families whofe Wives and Daughters he 
 h^d dehauch'd, and the Amours of his Youth, be- 
 caufe of their turpitude : He tells him, That the Vil- 
 lanies of all the condemn d Criminals in the World, could 
 not equal the fmalleft Part of his Guilt. He goes on 
 with a Defcription of his Youth fpent in Rioting, 
 Whoring, and Drinking. What a Work doth he 
 make with the Spiriting away a Fidler ? There is 
 not a Town in which he had not a I'/hcrc, a Pilure y 
 or a Statue. A great Part of fome of the Orations 
 feem to he a Particular of his Eftate and HoufehoM- 
 Goods. There is hardly a Veflel, Candleftick, Pic- 
 ture, Lamp, Statue, Carpet, &c. a Bribe recciv'd, 
 or a Prefent given, but is mention'd by our Orator. 
 Ifhy fo many Pots of Honey? J^hy fo-many Beds, hud 
 you as many li/lwes ? 
 
 Then he falls upon his Perfon, and calls his Audi- 
 ence to obferve the Impudence of his Looks ; teils 
 you how he became the Favourite of all the Porter.,-, 
 Footmen, and Chambermaids : not contented \vitli 
 his Cenfure of the Gentleman himfeli, he falls upon 
 his Friends, Acquaintance and Company, p.uticu- 
 Jarly a poor Fellow, one Ccrbo that was dead, whom 
 he calls all to naught : Then he tells the Judges, 
 
 that
 
 or Scolding of the Ancients. 49 
 
 that they had now an opportunity to clear them- 
 felves with the People, from the Infamy with which 
 their whole Order was charg'd, and yet he was not 
 call'd to the Bar, being before Men of Tafte and 
 Judgment, who underftood the facred inviolable 
 Right of Liberty of Speech. What a polite, noble* 
 plain b'untnefs, reigns through all thofe Orations ? 
 who could take it ill to be corrected in fuch well- 
 chofen Epithets, and well-turn'd Periods ? 
 
 His Oration on L. Pifo, I think, far exceeds 
 thofe upon t^erres ; in thofe genuine Flowers of an- 
 cient Rhetorick, it is much to be regretted that fom 
 of the firft Sentences are wanting ; however it be- 
 gins bluntly enough. Beaft^ don't you fee bow the 
 Audience is offended at your impudent Countenance ? 
 Then goes on with a Defcription of his Complexion,. 
 Beard, rotten Teeth, brazen Face, Stupidity, Im- 
 pediment of Speech. The Orator, after having 
 done himfelf Juftice, and expatiated upon his own 
 extraordinary Merits, tells him, That inftead of 
 Conful, he was the Tomb, the Funeral-Pile of the 
 Common- wealth. Thou Hangman^ tbou Temple- 
 Robber , tbou Clod of Earth ; fram what Brothel did 
 tbou come up in Patins (Soleatus) mujftd #/>, with 
 thy Breath jmelling of 'the Stews ? It feems the 
 great Subjedt of (Quarrel was, L. Pifo having or- 
 der'd the Senate to leave oft" their mourning for 
 Tally * when he was in Diftrefs ; He tells him, you 
 anfwer'd, Forfootb, with one Eye-brow turn' d up to 
 your Forehead, and the other deprefs'd to your Chin 5 
 that you did not love Cruelty ; You did not love Cruel- 
 ty , you Kennel-raker^ you Gibbet-carrier j you. a Con- 
 //, iJTuing out of a dark Cellar with a Dancing" 
 Wench ; you forbid the People to mourn for me \ 
 eeuld one have any Ajjijlance from tbee, tbou Beaft 9 
 Lump of rotten Flejb, Block., Trunk^ Madam^ Fool ? 
 IVben thy Colleague's Houfe rung with Riot, an4 
 VOL. I, D Noift
 
 jo Concerning the Altercation 
 
 Noife, and Dancing, tbou waft 'weltering (like one of 
 the Lapithae) In thy own Spew, fo that no Body could. 
 tell whether theu drank, vomited, or Jhit mc/i. If I 
 remember right, our Orator, in one of his Philip- 
 picks, defcribes much fuch another Evacuation of 
 Anthony in the Forum, tells him how he vomited, 
 where it was a Shame for a Magijler Equitum, Cap- 
 tain-General of the Horfe, to belch. It is much to 
 be regretted, that our Language is neither ftrong 
 nor copious enough, to do Juftice to this excellent 
 Oratory in a Tranflation. I can appeal to all the 
 Matrons in my Neighbourhood, if fuch Compella- 
 tions as I have mentioned, are not far beyond ou? 
 little fneaking Expreflion, The unfortunate Gentle- 
 man at the Bar. At the fame Time, I need not be 
 at much Pains to convince my Readers, that thofe 
 who declaim'd in this Stile, underftood the Rules of 
 Decorum and true Oratory ; and thofe who fuffer'd 
 thefe Objurgations, did not want Courage, nor 
 were ignorant of the Rules of Honour. 
 
 Anthony in murdering Tully, was cenfur'd by the 
 Romans, rather for being captious, than revengeful; 
 for not underftandihg common Modes of Behaviour 
 amon^ft Gentlemen, more than for want of Genero- 
 fity. 
 
 I own, that there is no reeoncilingmoft of Thi> 
 Sort of Altercation, nor the Anger from which it 
 proceeds, with the Chriflian Morals; yet many 
 Presbyters, Bifhops, Popes, and fome recorded as 
 Saints, have naturally fallen into it. But a Collec- 
 tion of their Epithets and Compellations would be 
 toe Voluminous ; and as they are rather in the fa- 
 cred, than political Stile, as Little Devil, Imp of 
 Satan, Cursed Heretick, &c. abounding with 
 Anathema's, Curfes, and Execrations, they are not 
 fo appofite to.my Defign. I fhall only take the 
 Liberty to obfcive, That if Gentlemen will not lay 
 
 afida
 
 or Scolding of the Ancients. 51 
 
 afide this captious, quarrelfome Temper, there will 
 be an abfolute Neceflity of putting the Monopoly of 
 political Altercation in he Hands of fuch of the 
 Clergy whofe Perfons are Sacred, and who are not 
 ty'd down to the ridiculous, corrupt Maxims ef 
 La'tcks in Gotbick Governments. And any Attempts 
 of this Kind are fo far from being blame -worthy, 
 that they ought to be highly applauded, as decent, 
 convenient, and charitable. 
 
 My next Chapter is fpent upon the Ufefulnefs 
 and Neceflity of fuch Altercations in all Govern- 
 ments. Firft, as it allows the People the Means of 
 working off their Paffions in a Way, which is leaft 
 detrimental to the Common-wealth : The Romans^ 
 from their intimate Knowledge of human Nature, 
 were fo fenfible of this, that they allow'd even their 
 Slaves their annual Seafon of Scolding : It is now by 
 Cuftom grown to be Sabbatical in Britain ; but if 
 the Legislature fhould think it more proper to con- 
 fine it to the Month of December and the Chriftma* 
 Holy-days, according to the Cuftom of ancient 
 Rome, no body could find fault ; provided there be 
 care taken of due Evacuations of the poutical Bile, 
 in proper Seafons. 
 
 The fame prudential Considerations induc'd the 
 Romans to allow the Soldiers to fing abufive Ballad <- 
 upon their General in the Proceflion of his Triumph, 
 which no doubt prevented many a Mutiny. How 
 much did the Soldiers endear themfelves unto Cafar 
 by celebrating his filthy Amours on that Occafion ? 
 
 There is fome Footfteps of this polite Cuftom 
 continue ftill in our Fleet ; for the Seamen have a 
 Priviledge of Railing and Joking on their Officers 
 at the Careening of a Ship, an Objurgation truly 
 Claflical in a double Senfe. 
 
 As to Minifters, 'tis only a fmall Tax on their 
 
 Power and Riches; a Sort of Memento Morl\ a 
 
 D 3 Warning
 
 $2 Concerning the Altercation, &c. 
 
 Warning like the Barking of a Dog before he bites. 
 ft was the Saying of a great Man, That there were 
 but few Miniftcrs who had not done fomething for 
 which they deferv'd to be bangd ; and I believe, there 
 are hardly any that do not deferve fome claffical 
 Objurgation. 
 
 This Altercation contributes exceedingly to the 
 Vigour of the Adminiftration, like the Je-ho to 
 loitering Horfes, that lug along the Wheels of the 
 Government. 
 
 J Tis of no lefs Benefit to fuch as Cenfure, than to 
 thofe that Govern, in preferving their Purity of 
 Manners, becaufe (according to Tul/y himfelf) the 
 Title of an Accuser to his Right of Altercation^ is 
 founded upor> his own Innocence of thofe Crimes which 
 he lays to the Charge of his Adverfaries. 
 
 The Price of the Book in Sheets is Ten Shillings^ 
 one half to be paid down ; only the Polemical Wri- 
 ters on each Side, fhall have one Copy Gratis j and 
 my Coufm Ginglicutt have two. 
 
 Receipts will be delivered at Mr. Franklin's, Mr. 
 Roberts\ Mr. learner's, Mr. Peele's^ and at moft 
 of the Book and Pamphlet- Sellers in London and
 
 A LE ARNED 
 
 DISSERTATION 
 
 O N 
 
 DUMPLING; 
 
 Its Dignity, Antiquity, and Excellence. 
 
 With a Word upon 
 
 PUDDING. 
 
 AND 
 
 Many other Ufeful Difcoveries of 
 Great Benefit to the Publick. 
 
 Quid Farto melius? 
 
 Huic fuam agnofcit corpus entrgiam t 
 
 Suam acitm mem : 
 
 Hinc adoleveruiit pr<fftantijffimi t 
 
 Hi Fartophagi in Reipublic* commodum. 
 
 Mab. de Fartophagisi /. ill. r. 2.
 
 
 XI 1/L U
 
 (55) 
 
 T O 
 
 Mr. BRAUND. 
 
 S I R, 
 
 LE T Mercenary Authors flatter the Great* 
 and fubjeft their Principle to Inter eft and 
 Ambition^ I fcorn fuch fordid Flews ; you 
 only are eminent in my Eyes : On you 1 loo'k 
 as the moft ufeful Member in the Body~Politic 9 and 
 your Art farfuperior to all others : Therefore^ 
 
 Tu mihi Mecaenas Eris ! 
 
 Braund, my Pair on! my P lea fur e! my Pride f 
 difdain not to grace my Labours with a kind Perufal. 
 Sufpend a while your momentous Cares, and wndefcend, 
 to ta/te this little FricafTee of Mine. 
 
 1 write not this, to bite you by the Ear, (/. <?.) 
 flatter you out of a Brace or two of, Guinea's ; No ; 
 as I am a true Dumpling-Eater, my Views are pure- 
 ly Epicurean, and my utmoji Hopes centered in par- 
 taking of fame elegant Quelque Chofe toji up by your 
 judicious Hand. 1 regard Money but as a Ticket 
 
 whtfb admits me to your delicate Entertainments ; to 
 ne much more agreeable than all the Monkey-tricks of 
 Rival Harlequins, or Puppet-Show Finery of Con- 
 tsnding Theatres. 
 
 D 4 72*
 
 (56) 
 
 The Plague and Fatigue of Dependence and At- 
 tendance, which call me Jo often to the Court-end of 
 the Town^ were infupportablc^ but for the Relief I 
 find at Auftin'j, your Ingenious and Grateful Dif- 
 ciple, who has adorned New Bond-ftrcet with your 
 graceful Effigies. Nor can he fail of Cujlom, who 
 has hung out a Sign fo alluring to all true Dump- 
 ling-Eaters. Many a time and oft have I gaz'd 
 with Pleafure on yonr Features, and traced in them 
 the exafi Lineaments of your glorious Ancejlor Sir 
 John Brand, vulgarly calfd Sir John Pudding. 
 
 77*?' the Corruption of our Englifh Orthography 
 indulges fame appearance of DiftincJion between Brand 
 and Braund, yet in Effefl they are ene and the fame 
 thing. The ancient Manor of Brand'*, alias Braund'j, 
 near Kilburn in Middlefex, was the very Manor- 
 Houfe of Sir John Brand, and is called Brand'j to 
 this Day^ altho 1 at prefent it be in the PoJfeJJion of 
 the Family of Marfti. 
 
 What Honours are therefore due to one who is in 
 a DirecJ Male Line, an Immediate Descendant from 
 the Loins of that Great Man ! Let this teach You 
 to value your Self; this remind the World^ how 
 much they owe to the Family of the B R A u N D s ; 
 more particularly to You, who inherit not only the 
 Name^ but the Virtues of your llluftrious Ancejlor. 
 J am, SIR, with all Imaginable EJleem and 
 Gratitude^ 
 
 Your very moft 
 
 Obedient Servant, csV.
 
 (57) 
 
 A 
 
 Learned Diflertation 
 
 O N 
 
 DUMPLING; 
 
 Its Dignity, Antiquity, &c. 
 
 TH E Dumpling-Eaters are a Race fprung 
 partly from the old Epicurean, and partly 
 from the Peripatetic Serf; they were firft 
 brought into Britain by Julius Cafar ; 
 and finding it a Land of Plenty, they wifely refol- 
 ved never to go home again. Their Do&rines are 
 amphibious, and compos'd Party per Pale of the 
 two Seels before-mention'd ; from the Peripatetics, 
 they derive their Principle of Walking, as a proper 
 Method to digeil a Meal, or create an Appetite ; 
 from the Epicureans, they maintain that all Plea- 
 fures are comprehended in good Eating and Drink- 
 ing : And fo readily were there Opinions embrac'd, 
 that every Day produc'd many Profelytes ; and 
 their Numbers have from Age to Age increas'd pro- 
 digioufly, infomuch that our whole Ifland is over- 
 run with them, at prcfent. Eating and Drinking 
 being fo cuftomary among us, that we feem to have 
 entirely forgot, and laid afide the old Fafhion of 
 Failing : Inftead of having Wine fold at the Apo- 
 thecaries Shops, as formerly, every Street has two
 
 5 8 A Differ tat ion on Dumpling ; 
 
 or three Taverns in it, left thefe Dumpling-Eaters 
 fhould faint by the Way j nay, fo zealous are they 
 in the Caufe of Bacchus, *hat one of the Chief a- 
 mong them has made a Vow never to fay his 
 Prayers 'till he has a Tavern of his own in every 
 Street in London, and in every Market-Town in 
 England. What may we then in Time expet ? 
 Since by infenubje Degrees, their Society is become 
 fo numerous* and formidable, that they are without 
 Number ; other Bodies have their Meetings, but 
 where can the Dumpling-Eaters aflemble ? What 
 Place large enough to contain them ! The Bank, 
 India, and South-Sea Companies have their Gene- 
 ral Courts, the Free-MaJons and the Gormogons 
 their Chapters ; nay, our Friends the Quakers have 
 their Yearly Meetings. Who would imagine any of 
 thefe fhould be Dumpling-Eaters ? But thus it is, 
 the Dumpling-Eating Doctrine has fo far prevail- 
 ed among them, that they eat not only Dump- 
 lings, but Puddings ; and thofe in no fmall Quan- 
 tities. 
 
 The Dumpling is indeed, of more ancient Infti- 
 tution, and of Foreign Origin ; but alas, what 
 were thofe Dumplings ? nothing but a few Len- 
 tils fodden together, moiften'd and cemented with 
 a little feeth'd Fat, not much unlike our Gritt or 
 Oatmeal Pudding ; yet were they of fuch Efteem 
 among the ancient Romans, that a Statue was e*- 
 re&ed to Fulvius Agrlcola, the firft Inventor of 
 thefe Lentil Dumplings. How unlike the Gra- 
 titude fhewn by the Publick to our Modern Pro- 
 jectors ! 
 
 The Remans, tho* our Conquerors, found them- 
 felves much out-done in Dumplings by our Fore- 
 fathers ; the Reman Dumplings being no more to 
 compare to thofe made by the Britons, than a 
 Stone-Dumpling is to a Marrow- Pudding ; th' 
 
 indeed,
 
 its Dignity, Antiquity, &c. 59 
 
 indeed, the Brittjh Dumpling at that Time, was 
 little better than what we call a Stone-Dumpling, 
 nothing elfe but Flour and Water : But every Ge- 
 neration growing wifcr and wifer, the Project was 
 improv'd, and Dumpling grew to be Pudding : One 
 Projector found Milk better than Water; another 
 introduced Butter ; fome added Marrow, others 
 Plumbs ; and fome found out the Ufe of Sugar ; fo 
 that, to fpeak Truth, we know not where to fix 
 the Genealogy or Chronology of any of thefe Pud- 
 ding Projectors, to the Reproach of our Hiftorians, 
 who eat fo much Pudding, yet have been fo Un- 
 grateful to the firft Profeflbrs of this moft noble 
 Science, as not to find them a Place in Hiftory. 
 
 The Invention of Eggs was merely accidental, 
 two or three of which having cafually roll'd from off 
 a Shelf into a Pudding, which a good Wife was 
 making, fhe found herfelf under a Neceflity either 
 of throwing away her Pudding, or letting the Eggs 
 remain ; but concluding from the innocent Quality 
 of the Eggs, that they would do no Hurt, if they 
 did no Good, fhe wifely jumbl'd 'em all together, 
 after having carefully pick'd out the Shells; theCon- 
 jfequence is eafily imagined, the Pudding became a 
 Pudding of Puddings ; and the Ufe of Eggs from 
 thence took its Date. The Woman was fent for to 
 Court to make Puddings for King John, who then 
 fvvay'd the Scepter ; and gain'd fuch Favour, that 
 (he was the making of her whole Family. I cannot 
 conclude this Paragraph without owning, I received 
 this important Part of the Hiftory of Pudding from 
 old Mr. Lawrence of Wilfden-Green, the greateft 
 Antiquary of the prefent Age. 
 
 From that Time the Englijh became fo famous 
 for Puddings, that they are call'd Pudding-Eaters all 
 over the World, to this Day. 
 
 At her Demife, her Son was taken into Favour, 
 
 and
 
 60 A Differ tat ion on Dumpling I 
 
 and made the King's chief Cook j and fo great was 
 his Fame for Puddings, that he was call'd Jack Pud- 
 ding all over the Kingdom, tho' in Truth, his real 
 Name was "John Brand, as by the Records of the 
 Kitchen you will find : This John Brand, or Jack 
 Pudding, call him which you pleafe, the French 
 have it Jean Boudin, for his Fame had reached 
 France, whofe King would have given the World 
 to have had our Jack for his Pudding-Maker. This 
 Jack Pudding, I fay, became yet a greater Fa- 
 vourite than his Mother, infomuch that he had the 
 King's Ear as well as his Mouth at Command ; for 
 the King, you muft know, was a mighty Lover of 
 Pudding ; and Jack fitted him to a Hair, he knew 
 how to make the moft of a Pudding ; no Pudding 
 came amifs to him, he would make a Pudding out 
 of a Flint-ftone, comparatively fpeaking. It is 
 nredlefs to enumerate t^e many forts of Pudding, 
 he made, fuch as Plain Pudding, Plumb Pudding, 
 Marrow Pudding, Oatmeal Pudding, Carrot Pud- 
 ding, Saucefage Pudding, Bread Pudding, Flower 
 Pudding, Suet Pudding, and in fhort, every Pud- 
 ding butQuaking Pudding, which was folely invented 
 by, and took its Name from our good Friends of 
 the Bull and Mouth beforementioned, notwithftand- 
 ing the many Pretenders to that Projection. 
 
 But what rais'd our Hero in the Efteem of this 
 Pudding-eating Monarch, was his Second Edition of 
 Pudding, he being the firft that ever invented the 
 Art of Broiling Puddings, which he did to fuch 
 Perfection, and fo much to the King's liking, (who 
 had a mortal Averfion to Cold Pudding,) that he 
 thereupon inftituted him Knight of the Gridiron, and 
 gave him a (Gridiron of Gold, the Enfign of that Order, 
 which he always wore as a Mark of his Sovereign's 
 Favour; in ftiort, Jack Pudding, or Sir John y 
 grew to be all in all with good King John ; he did 
 uolhing without him, they were Finger and 
 
 Glcve
 
 its Dignity, Antiquity, &c. 6 1 
 
 Glove; and, if we may believe Tradition, 
 our very good Friend had no fmall Hand in 
 the Magna Charta. If fo, how much are all En- 
 glijhmen indebted to him ? in what Repute ought the 
 Order of the Gridiron to be, which was instituted 
 to do Honour to this wonderful Man ? But alas ! 
 how foon is Merit forgot ? how impudently do the 
 Vulgar turn the moft ferious Things into Ridicule, 
 and mock the moft folemn Trophies of Honour ? 
 for now every Fool at a Fair, or Zany at a Moun- 
 tebank's Stage, is call'd Jack Pudding^ has a Grid- 
 iron at his Back, and a great Pair of Spectacles at 
 his Buttocks, to ridicule the moft noble Order of 
 the Gridiron. Which Spectacles are a moft un- 
 grateful Reflection on the Memory of that great 
 Man, whofe indefatigable Application to his 
 Bufmefs, and deep Study in that occult Science, 
 rendered him Poreblind ; to remedy which Misfor- 
 tune, he had always a Squire follow'd him, bearing 
 a huge Pair of Spectacles to faddle his Honour's 
 Nofc, and fupply his much-lamented Defect of 
 Sight. But whether fuch an Unhappinefs deferve? 
 not rather Pity than Ridicule, I leave to the Deter- 
 mination of all good Chriftians: I cannot but fay, 
 it raifes ray Indignation, when I fee thefe Paunch- 
 gutted Fellows ufurping the Title and Atchievements 
 of my dear Sir John, whofe Memory I fo much 
 venerate, nor can I always contain my fclf. I re- 
 member to my Coft, I once carry'd my'Refent- 
 ment a little farther than ordinary ; - in furioufly af- 
 faulting one of thofe Rafcals, I tore the Gridiron 
 from his Back, and the Spectacles from his A ; e ; 
 for which I was apprehended, carried to Pye-pow- 
 der Court, and by that tremendous Bench fenten- 
 ced to moft fevcre Pains and Penalties. 
 
 This has indeed a little tam'd me, infomuch that I 
 keep my Fingers to my felf, but at the fame time 
 let my Tongue run like a Devil : Forbear vile Mif-
 
 6 2 A Differ tat ion en Dumpling 
 
 creants, cry I, where- e'er I meet thefe Wretches ? 
 forbear to afcribe to your felves the Name and Ho- 
 nours of Sir John Pudding ? content your felves 
 with being Zanies, Pickled- Herrings , Punchionellos, 
 but date not fcandalize the nobleName oft Pudding : 
 Nor can I, notwith (land ing the Clamours and 111 
 Ufage of the Vulgar, refrain bearing my Teftimony 
 acainft this manifeft piece of injuflice. 
 
 What pity is it therefore, fo noble an Order mould 
 be loft, or at leaft neglected. We have had no Ac- 
 count of the real Knights of the Gridiron, fince 
 they appeared under the fictitious Name of the Kit- 
 Kat Club : In their PoffeiTion was the very Grid- 
 iron of Gold worn by Sir John himfelf ; which 
 Identical Gridiron dignified theBreaft of themoft in- 
 genious Mr. RichardEJf court that excellent Phyfician 
 and Comedian, who was Prefident of that Society. 
 
 >uis talia fando temper et a Lacbrymis ? 
 
 What is become of the Gridiron, or of the 
 Remains of that excellent Body of Men, Time 
 will, 1 hope, difcover. The World, I believe, 
 muft for fuch Difcoveriesbe obliged to my very good 
 
 Friend y T Efq; who had the Honour to 
 
 be Door-keeper to that Honourable AfTembly. 
 
 But to return to Sir John : The more his Wit 
 engaged the King, the more his Grandeur alarm'd 
 his Enemies, who encreas'd with his Honours, Not 
 but the Courtiers carefs'd him to a Man, as the firft 
 who had brought Dumpling-eating to Perfection. 
 King John himfelf lov'd him entirely ; being of Cc- 
 far's Mind, that is, he had a natural Antipathy a- 
 gainfl Meagre, Herring-gutted Wretches ; he lov'd 
 only Fat-headed Men, and fiuh who jlrpt o' N/gbts ; 
 and of fuch was his whole Court compos'd. Now 
 it was Sir J&hn's Method, every Sunday Morning, 
 to give the Courtiers a Breakfaft, which Breakfaft
 
 its Dignity, ' Antiquity > &c. 63 
 
 was every Man his Dumpling and a Cup of Wine ; 
 for you muft know, he was Yeoman of the Wine- 
 Cellar at the fame time. 
 
 This was a great Eye-fore and Heart-burning to 
 fome Lubberly Abbots who loung'd about the 
 Court ; they took it in great Dudgeon they were 
 not invited, and ftuck fo clofe to his Skirts, that 
 they never refted 'till they Outed him. They told 
 the King, who was naturally very Hafty, that Sir 
 'John made-away with his Wine, and feafted his 
 Paramours at his Expence ; and not only fo, but 
 that they were forming a Defign againft his Life, 
 which they in confcience ought to difcover : That 
 Sir 'John was not only an Heretic, but an Heathen ; 
 nay worfe, they fear'd he was a Witch, and that he 
 had bewitch'd, His Majefty into that unaccountable 
 Fondnefs for a Pudding- Maker. They aflur'd the 
 King, That on a Sunday Morning, inftead of being 
 at Mattins, he and his Trigrimates got together 
 Hum-jum, all fnug, and perform'd many Hellifh 
 and Diabolical Ceremonies. In fhort, they made 
 the King believe that the Moon was made of Green- 
 Cheefe : And to fhew how the Innocent may be Be- 
 ly'd, and the beft Intentions mifreprefented, they 
 told the King, That He and his Aflociates offer' d 
 Sacrifices to Ceres : When, alas, it was only the 
 Damplings they eat.The Butter which was melted and 
 pour'd over them, thefe vile Mifcreants call'd Liba- 
 tion : And the friendly Compotations of our Dump- 
 ling-eaters, were call'd Bacchanalian Rites. Two 
 or three among 'em being fweet-tooth'd, wou'd 
 ftrew a little Sugar over their Dumplings ; this was 
 reprefented as an Heathen] jh Offering. In fhort, not 
 one Action of theirs, but what thefe Rafcally Ab- 
 bots made Criminal, and never let the King alone 
 'till poor Sir John was Difcardcd. Not but the 
 
 King
 
 64 ADiflertation on Dumpling ; 
 
 King dii it with the greateft Reludance ; but they 
 had made it a Religious Concern, and he could not 
 get off on it. 
 
 But mark the Confequence : The King never en- 
 joy'd himfelf after, nor was it long before he was 
 poifoned by a Monic at S wines-bead Abbey. Then? 
 too late he faw his Error ; then he lamented the Lofs 
 of Sir 'John ; and in his lateir Moments would cry 
 out, Oh ! that I had never parted from my dear Jack 
 Pudding! Wou'd I had never left off Pudding and 
 Dumpling ! I then had never been thus bafely Poi- 
 fon'd ! never thus treacherously fent out ef the 
 
 World ! Thus did this good King lament : 
 
 But, alas, to no Purpofe, the Prieft had given him 
 his Bane, and Complaints were ineffectual. 
 
 Sir John, in the mean time, had retir'd into Nor- 
 folk, where his diffufive Knowledge extended itfelf 
 for the Good of the County in general ; and from 
 that very Caufe Norfolk has ever fince been fo famous 
 for Dumplings. He lamented the King's Death to 
 the very laft ; and was fo cautious of being poifon'd 
 by the Priefts, that he never touch'd a Wafer to the 
 Day of his Death : And had it not been thatfomeof 
 the lefs defigniag part of the Clergy were his inti- 
 mate Friends, and eat daily of his Dumplings, he 
 had doubtlefs been Made-away with ; but they ftood 
 in the Gap for him, for the fake of his Dumplings, 
 knowing that when Sir 'Johnwzs gone, they fliould 
 never have the like again. 
 
 But our facetious Knight was too free of his Talk 
 to be long fecure ; . Hole was picked in his Coat the 
 fucceeding Reign, and poor Sir John had all his Goods 
 and Chattels forfeited to the King's Ufe. It was 
 then time for him to beftir himfclf; and away to 
 Court he goes, to recover his Lands, & c. not doubt- 
 ing but he had Friends there fufficient to. carry his 
 Caufe. 
 
 But
 
 its Dignity, Antiquity ', &c. 65 
 
 fiut alas ! how was he miftaken ; not a Soul there 
 knew him ; the very Porters ufed him rudely. In 
 vain did he feek for Accefs to the King, to vindicate 
 his Conduct. In vain did he claim Acquaintance 
 with the Lords of the Court ; and reap up old Civi- 
 lities, to remind them of former Kindnefs ; the Pud- 
 ding was eatj the Obligation was over : Which made 
 Sir John compofe that excellent Proverbj Not a Word 
 ef the Pudding. And finding all Means ineffe&ualj 
 he left the Court in a great Pet ; yet not without 
 paffing a fevere Joke upon 'em, in his way$ which 
 was this ; He fent a Pudding to the King's Table, 
 under the Name of a Court Pudding^ or Promifc 
 Pudding. This Pudding he did not fail to fet off 
 with large Encomiums ; afluring the King, That 
 therein he would find an Hieroglyphical Definition 
 of Courtiers Promifes and Friendmip. 
 
 This caufed fome Speculation. ; and the King's 
 Phyfician debarr'd the King from taftingthe Pudding* 
 not knowing but that Sir ''John had poifon'd it. 
 
 But how great a Fit of Laughter enfu'd, may be 
 eafily guefs'd, when the Pudding was cut up, it 
 prov'd only a large Bladder, juft clofed over with 
 Pafte : The Bladder was full of Wind, and nothing 
 elfe, excepting thefe Verfes written in a Roll of 
 Paper, and put in, as is fuppos'd^ before the Blad- 
 der was blown full : 
 
 $0 ZSljmlJe in a "Blalftere ppent, 
 in HortinB0 promote anU fermetu $ 
 fain toijat jjem iu3 toit^outea Uretie, 
 rijep 6ene fo Double in fcer falOieUe : 
 jfor t^eg in fjeart can tfjinS ene tfjinff, 
 ant fain another in i>er fpeaSins : 
 anfi tol>ac toa0 ftoeet anti apparent, 
 jafmoterlicf), ant) e6t gUjent* 
 anD tof)en of feruice pou Ijatie ne5f, 
 paiDic !je toil! not rei no* tflsf 
 . VOL, L F. |wi
 
 66 A Differ tation en Dumpling j 
 
 Jbut tojirn tl;e 2>mnel it i# etcn, 
 |>er curteffc 10 all fojgctteru 
 
 This Adventure met with various Conftru&ions 
 from thofe at Table : Some laugh'd ; others frown'd. 
 But the King took the Joke by the right End, and 
 laugh'd outright. 
 
 The Verils, tho' hut fcurvy ones in themfelves, 
 yet in thofe Days pafs'd for tolerable : Nay, the 
 King was mightily pleafed with 'em, and play'd 'em 
 oft on his Courtiers as Occafion ferv'd ; he would 
 flop 'em fhort in the middle of a flattering Harangue, 
 and cry, Not a Word of the Pudding. This would 
 daunt and mortify them to the laft degree ; they 
 curfed Sir John a thoufand times over for the Pro- 
 verb's fake : but to no Purpofe ; the King gave him 
 a private Hearing : In which he fo well fatisfied 
 his Majefty of his Innocence and Integrity, that all 
 his Lands were reftor'd. The King would have put 
 him in his old Poft ; but he modeftly declin'd it, but 
 at the fame time prefented his Majelty with a Book 
 of mofl excellent Receipts for all kinds of Puddings : 
 Which Book His Majefty receiv'd with all imagina- 
 ble Kindnefs, and kept it among his greateft Rari- 
 ties. "But yet, as the beft Inftructions, tho' never 
 fo ftridtly follow'd, may not be always as fuccefs- 
 fully executed, fo not one of the King's Cooks could 
 make a Pudding like Sir John ; nay, tho' he made 
 a Pudding before their Eyes, yet they out of the ve- 
 ry fame Materials could not do the like. Which 
 made his old Friends the Monks attribute it to 
 Witchcraft, and it was currently reported the Devil 
 was his Helper. But good King Harry was not to 
 be fobb'd off fo ; the Pudding was good, it fate ve- 
 ry well on his Stomach, and he eat very favourly, 
 without the leaft Remorfe of Confcience. 
 
 In fhort, Sir 'John grew in Favour in fpite of their 
 Teeth: The King lov'd a merry Jokej and Sir 
 
 John
 
 its Dignity > Antiquity > &c. 67 
 
 'John had always his Budget full of Punns, Connun- 
 drums and Carrawitchets ; not to forget the Quibbles 
 and Fly-flaps he play'd againft his Adverfaries, et 
 which the King has laugh'd 'till his Sides crackt. 
 
 Sir Jobn^ tho' he was no very great Scholar, yet 
 had a happy way of Exprefling himfelf : He was a 
 Man of the moft Engaging Addrefs, and never fail'd 
 to draw Attention : Plenty and Good-Nature fmil'd 
 in his Face ; his Mufcles were never diftorted with 
 Anger or Contemplation, but an eternal Smile drew 
 up the Corners of his Mouth ; his very EyesUugh'd; 
 and as for his Chin it was three-double, a-down 
 which hung a goodly \Vhey-colour'd Beard {hining 
 with the Drippings of his Luxury ; for you muft 
 know he was a great Epicure, and had a very Sen- 
 fible Mouth j he thought nothing too good for him- 
 felf, all his Care was for his Belly ; and his Palate 
 was fo exquifite, that it was the perfect Standard of 
 Tailing. So that to him we owe all that is elegant 
 in Eating : For Pudding was not his only Talent, he 
 was a great Virtuofo in all manner of Eatable; ; and 
 tho' he might come fhort of Lambert for Confe&io- 
 nary-Niceties, yet was he not inferior to Brawnd, 
 Lubec, Pede^ or any other great Matters of Cook- 
 ery ; he could tofs up a Fricaflee as well as a Pan- 
 cake : And moft of the Kickfhaws now in vogue, 
 are but his Inventions, with othei Names j for what 
 we call Fricajfecs he called Pancakes^ as a Pancake 
 of Chickens, a Pancake of Rabbets, faff. Nay, 
 the French call a Pudding an Englijh Fricaflee, to 
 this Day. 
 
 We value our felves mightily for roafling a Hare 
 with a Pudding in its Belly ; when, alas, he has 
 roarted a whole Ox with a Pudding in his Belly. 
 There was no Man like him for Invention and Con- 
 trivance : And then for Execution, he fpar'd no La- 
 bour and Pains to cojnpafs his magnanimous Defign?, 
 2 Q
 
 6& A Di flirtation en Dumpling ; 
 
 O would to Heaven this little Attempt of Mine 
 may ftir up fome Pudding beaded Antiquary to dig his- 
 Way through all the mouldy Records of Time, and 
 bring to Light the Noble Adions of Sir John ! It 
 will not then be long before we fee him on the Stage. 
 Sir John Falftaffe will then be a Shrimp to Sir 'John 
 Pudding, when raifed from Oblivion and reanimated 
 by the All- invigorating Pen of the Weil-Fed, Well- 
 Read, Well-Paid C J Efq; Nor would 
 
 this be all ; the Paftry-Cooks would from the Hands 
 of an eminent Phyfician and Poet receive whole 
 Loads of Memorandums, to remind them of the 
 Gratitude due to Sir John's Memory. 
 
 On fuch a Subject I hope to fee Sir Richard Out- 
 do himfelf. Nor Arthur nor Eliza fhall with Sir 
 John compare. There is not fo much Difference 
 between a Telefcope and a Powder-Puff, a Hoop- 
 Petty-Coat, a Farthing-Candle, a Birch-Broom and 
 a Diamond-Ring, as there will be between the for- 
 mer Writings of this- pair of Poets and their Lucu- 
 brations on this Head. 
 
 Nor will it flop here : The Opera Compofers fhall 
 have t'other Conteft, which fhall beft fmg-forth hi? 
 Praifes. Sorry ?m I that Nicolino is not here, he 
 would have made an excellent Sir John. But Sene- 
 fino being blown up after the manner that Buichers 
 blow Calves may do well enough. From thence 
 the Painters and Print fellers fhall retail his goodly 
 Phiz ; and what Sacheverel was, (hall Sir John 
 Pudding be; his Head fhall hang elate on every 
 Sign, his Fame fhall ring in every Street, and C/utr's 
 Pfefs fhall teem with Mufick to his PraUe. This 
 would be but Honour, this but Gratitude, from a 
 Generation fo much indebted to fo Great a Man. 
 
 But alas ! how much do we deviate from Honour 
 and Gratitude, when we put other Names to his 
 Inventions, and call them our own r What is a Tart, 
 
 a
 
 its Dignity, Antiquity, &c. 69 
 
 .a Pie, or a Pafty, but Meat or Fruit enclofed in a 
 Wall or Covering of Pudding. What is a Cake, 
 but a bak'd Pudding ; or a Cbrijlmas Pie, but a 
 ft/Iinc'd-Meat-Pudding. As for Cheefe-cakes, Cufr 
 tards, Tanfies, fcff. they are manifefl Puddings, and 
 all of Sir John's own Contrivance ; Cuftard being as 
 old if not older than Magna Chart a. In fhort, Pud- 
 ding is of the greatcft Dignity and Antiquity ; Bread 
 itfelf, which is the very Staff of Life, being, pro- 
 perly fpeaking, a bak'd Wheat- Pudding. 
 
 To the Satchel, which is the Pudding Bag of In- 
 genuity, we are indebted for the greateft Men in 
 Church and State. All Arts and Sciences owe their 
 Original to Pudding or Dumpling. What is a Bag^ 
 Pipe, the Mother of all Mufic, but a Pudding of 
 Harmony ; Or what is Mufic itfelf, but a Palate- 
 abie Cookery of Sounds. To little Puddings or 
 Bladders of Colours we owe all the choice Originals 
 of the Greateft Painters : And indeed, what is 
 Painting, but a well-fpread Pudding, or Cookery of 
 Colours. 
 
 The Head of Man is like a Pudding : And whence 
 have allRhimes, Poems, Plots and Inventions fprang, 
 but from that fame Pudding. What is Poetry but a 
 Pudding of Words. The Phyficians, tho"* they cry 
 outfo much againft Cooks and Cookery, yet are but 
 Cooks themfelves, with this difference only, the 
 Cook's Pudding lengthens Life, the Phyficians fhor- 
 tens it. So that we live and die by Pudding. For 
 what 'is a Clyfter, but a Bag-Pudding ; a Pill, but 
 a Dumpling ; or a Bolus, but aTanfy, tho' not al- 
 together fo Toothfome. In a word ; Phyfick is on- 
 ly a Puddingizing or Cookery of Drugs. The Law 
 ib but aCookery of Quibbles and Contentions, (a}** 
 E 3 
 
 [a] The Cat ran away with this part of the Copy, en 
 - vshich the Author had unfortunately lain fame of Mothjtr 
 'j- Saufages.
 
 70 A Differtation on 'Dumpling ; 
 
 ****** is but a pudding O f ****** 
 
 * * * *. Some fwallow every thing whole and 
 unmix'd ; fo that it may rather be called a Heap than 
 a Pudding. Others are fo fqueamifh, the greateft 
 Maflerfnip in Cookery is required to make the Pud- 
 ding Palatable : The Suet which others gape and 
 fwallow by Gobs, mufl for thefe puny Stomachs be 
 minced to Atoms ; the Plumbs mufl be pick'd with 
 the utmoft Care, and every Ingredient proportioned 
 to the greateir Nicety, or it will never go down. 
 
 The Univerfe itfelfis but a Pudding of Elements. 
 Empires, Kingdoms, States and Republicks are but 
 Puddings of People differently made up. The Ce- 
 leftial and Terrc^ff rial Orbs are decypUered to us by 
 a pair of Globes or Mathematical Puddings. 
 
 The Succefs of War and Fate of Monarchies are 
 entirely dependant on Puddings and Dumplings : For 
 what elfe are Cannon-Balls, but Military Puddings ; 
 or Bullets but Dumplings ; with this difference only 
 they do not fit fo well on the Stomach as a good 
 Marrow-Pudding or Bread-Pudding. 
 
 In fliort, There is nothing valuable in Art or Na- 
 ture, but what, more or lefs, has an Allufion to 
 Pudding or Dumpling. Why then fhould they be 
 held in Difefteem ? Why fhould Dumpling-Eating 
 be ridiculed, or Dumpling-Eaters derided ? Is it not 
 pleafant and Profitable ? Is it not Ancient and Ho- 
 nourable ? Kings, Princes, and Potentates have in 
 all Ages been Lovers of Pudding. Is it not there- 
 fore Royal Authority ? Popes, Cardinals, Bifhops, 
 Priefts and Deacons, have, Time out of Mind, 
 been great Pudding Eaters : Is it not therefore a 
 Holy and Religious Inflitution ? Philofophers, Po- 
 ts, and Learned Men in all Faculties, Judges, Privy 
 
 Counsellors,
 
 'its Dignity, Antiquity, &c. 71 
 
 Councellors, and Members of both Houfes, have, by" 
 their great Regard to Pudding, given a San&ion to 
 it that nothing can efface. Is it not therefore An- 
 cient, Honourable, and Commendable ? 
 
 htare itaque fremuerunt dv.Etores ? 
 
 Why do therefore the Enemies of good Eating, 
 the Starve- gutted Authors of Grul-Jtreet^ employ 
 their impotent Pens againft Pudding and Pudding- 
 headed, alias Honeft Men? Why do they inveigh . 
 againft Dump 1 ing-Eating, which is the Life and 
 Soul of Good-fellowfhip, and Dumpling-Eaters, 
 who are the Ornaments of Civil Society. 
 
 But, alas ! their Malice is their own Punifhment. 
 The Hireling.Auth.or of a late fcandalous Libel, in- 
 tituled, "The Dumpling- Eater; Downfall, may, if he 
 has any Eyes, now fee his Error, in attacking fo 
 Numerous, fo Auguft a Body of People : His Books 
 remain Unfold, Unread, Unregarded ; while this 
 "Treatife of Mine fhall be Bought by all who love 
 Pudding or Dumpling ; to my Bqokfeller's great 
 Joy, and my no fmall Confolation. How fhall I 
 Triumph, and how will that mercenary Scribbler be 
 Mortify'd, when I have fold more Editions of my 
 Books, than he has Copies of his ! I therefore ex- 
 hort all People, Gentle and Simple, Men, Women 
 and Children, to Buy, to Read, to Extol, thefe 
 Labours of Mine, for the Honour of Dumpling- 
 Eating. Let them not fear to defend every Article ; 
 for I will bear them Harmlefs : I have Arguments 
 good Store, and can eafily Confute, cither Logical-* 
 ly, Theologically, or Metaphyfically, all thofe who, 
 dare Oppofe me. 
 
 Let not EngHjhmen therefore be afhamed of the 
 
 Name of Pudding- Eaters ; but, on the contrary, 
 
 let it be their Glory. For let Foreigners cry out 
 
 E 4 never
 
 73 -A Dtjfcrtation on Dumpling j 
 
 never fo much againft Good-Eating, they come pa* 
 fily into it when they have been a little while in our 
 Land of Canaan ; and there are very few Foreign-? 
 ers among us who have not learn'd to make as great 
 a Hole in a good Pudding or Sirloin of Beef, as thq 
 beft Englifnman of us all. 
 
 Why fhould we then be Laughed out of Pud- 
 ding and Dumpling ? or why ridiculed out of Good 
 Living? Plots and Politicks may hurt us, but Pud- 
 ding cannot. Let us therefore adhere to Pudding, 
 and keep ourfelves out of Harm's Way ; according 
 to the Golden Rule laid down by a celebrated 
 Dumpling-Eater now defunct j 
 
 Be of your Patron's Mind, wbate'er he fays : 
 Sleep very much ; TJnnk little, and Talk lefs : 
 Mind neither Good nor Bad, nor Right nor Wrong j 
 But Eat your Pudding, Fool 3 and bold your Tongue. 
 
 PRIOR. 
 
 The Author of thefe excellent Lines, not only 
 fhews his Wifdom, but his Good-Breeding, and 
 great Efteem for the Memory of Sir John, by giv- 
 ing his Poem the Title of Merry Andrew, and mak- 
 ing Merry Andrew the principal Spokefman : For if 
 I guefs aright, ajid furcly I guefs not wrong, his main 
 Defign was, to afcertain the Name of Merry An-, 
 'drew to the Fool of a Droll, and to fubftitute it in- 
 (tead of Jack Pudding ; which Name my Friend 
 Matt, could not hear with Temper, as carrying with 
 it an oblique Reflection on Sir Jchn Pudding, the 
 Hero of this DUMPLEID. 
 
 Let all thofe therefore who have any Regard to 
 Politencfs and Propriety of Speech, take heed how 
 they Err againft this Rule laid down by him who 
 T^as the Standard of Englijh Elegance, And be it 
 
 known
 
 its Dignity, ' Antiquity y &< 73 
 
 known to all whom it may concern, That if any 
 Perfon whatever mall dare hereafter to apply the 
 Name of Jack Pudding to Merry Andrews and fuch- 
 like Creatures, I hereby Require and Impower any 
 Standers by, to knock him, her, or them down. 
 And if any Action or Actions of Aflault and Battery 
 lhall be brought againft any Perfon or Perfons fo a&- 
 jng in purfuance of this moft reafonable Requeft, by 
 Knocking down, Bruifmg, Beating, or otherwife 
 Pemolifhing fuch Offenders ; I will Indemnify and 
 bear them Harmlefs. 
 
 GULLIVER
 
 Gulliver Decyphefd: 
 
 O R 
 
 REMARKS 
 
 On a late Book, intitlcd, 
 
 TRAVELS 
 
 INTO SEVERAL 
 
 Remote NATIONS of the World. 
 By Capt. LEMUEL GULLWER. 
 
 VINDICATING 
 
 The Reverend DEAN on whom it is ma- 
 licioufly Father'd. 
 
 WITH 
 
 Some probable Conjectures concerning the 
 Real AUTHOR.
 
 Prefatory Difcourfe 
 
 CONCERNING 
 
 D E C Y P H E R I N G, &c. 
 
 TO omit all doubtful and critical fnterpretzr* 
 tions of the Word Decypherer, it may be 
 defined according to the old Engliih Say- 
 ing, One who can tell a Man's Meaning 
 by bis Gaping : It is indeed commonly under/food of 
 a Set of Art'ifts of Dexterity fufftcient to find out 
 the myfterious Meanings of Words, Syllables, and 
 Letters} as may be fr*~K in the o,2// Page * of iht 
 Second Volume erf GtiHiver'j Travels 5 and we know 
 
 that 
 
 * Our Author here fhews how rhefe Artifts may if 
 they fancv, iiitcrpret ^.Sui-e to figrufy a Co&t La4$, a 
 icme Dog' zn heater, the Plague a finding drtry, a 
 Buzzard a great Staff/man, the Goaf a High-prieft, a 
 Hbambir-pvt a Cf.mn:ittee of Granites, a Broom a Revo- 
 lution, a Moiife-trap an Etnf/ojrrttxt, a Bottomlffs-pit a 
 ffreafury, a Sink a Court, a Cap end Bells a Favourite, a 
 broken Rftd a Cwr/ of Ju/fice, an i;/>Ay '7a a General, 
 a running Sore an Adminijlratisn.
 
 (77) 
 
 that decyphering is generally applied to the Inter" 
 pretation of certain Cyphers or Characters, made life 
 df by Politicians in Plots, &c. yet we muft beg leave 
 to affure the courteous Reader , that there are feveral* 
 other kinds of Decypherino;, very agreeable to the 
 original Import of the Word, as well as our Defi- 
 nition. 
 
 People ufe Characters, Hieroglyphic ks, &c. to ex- 
 prefs, as well as difguifc their Intentions ; and wJjat 
 one Man -makes ufe cf t conceal his Sentiments., ano- 
 ther has Reco-urfe to that he may be the better under- 
 ftood. As for In fiance, when Members of a certain 
 Society are very zealous in oppojing the governing 
 Party, very forward in making Speeches again/I 
 Male-adminijlration, &c. the World knows, that 
 if thefe worthy Gentlemen were obliged to tell their 
 Minds in few Words, they would generally amount 
 tt no more than one of thefe Jhort and fignificant Sen- 
 tences., viz. Pray Sir Robert give me a Place ; I want 
 Money ; I muft have that Employment, &c. But 
 lue beg the Reader to obferve, that as Men often mean 
 the fame Things by quite contrary Exprcjjions, fo it is 
 in this Cafe : For running all Lengths with Great 
 Men, and receiving their Directions upon all Occa- 
 fions, will frequently admit of the fame Interpretations 
 as oppofing or railing at them. 
 
 As Men of Fire and fanguine Completions are for 
 carrying every thing by Storm^ your phlegmatick Gen- 
 tlemen love Wiles and Stratagem* ; And you ftiall 
 fometimes fee Bullying and Hecloringy?^W Candidate 
 for the fame Office with Fawning and Cringing. 
 Now by means of the Art of Decyphering // is eafy 
 to reconcile thefe Contradictions, 
 
 But this is not confin'd to State Matters only, it if 
 ufeful upon all Occafions^ it is necejfary in HJery Sta- 
 tion j and as for the learned Profeffiom they carrot 
 
 fid '
 
 (78) 
 
 fulfift without it ; fo that Decyphering feems to be 
 a kind of firft Principle' or Key to the Sciences. 
 
 How fljould we be able to underjtand cur Divines, 
 who preach and write Pro and Con ; fonutimes con- 
 tend for the 1? 'aith, and fometimes make ajejl of it\ 
 if by this Art we were not enabled to find out that 
 
 their Meaning is Nolo Epifcopari, /. e. An- 
 
 glice Lawn-fleeves. 
 
 AJk the honejl Gentlemen ef the Long Robe, why, 
 in one Reign, they have Jirained the Prerogative of 
 the Crown, and in the next pleaded for the Power of 
 the People, and they will probably not deliver their 
 Opinion. But if you decypher thefe Proceedings, they 
 
 plainly fignify The Great Seal Chief Juftice 
 
 Barons, &c. 
 
 But of all ProfcJJions this Art is moft necejjary in 
 Phyfick j the Doclors can decypher Peoples Diftempers 
 by their Looks, their Ge/iures, and even by their x~ 
 trements. IFhen they fee a young Lady look pale, and 
 languijhing, &c. they prefently perceive that Jht poor 
 Girl wants a Hujband. Tbo' this fotnetimes difco- 
 vers it f elf by contrary Symptoms, as Rednefs, Flujh- 
 ings in the Face, c. 
 
 Injhort, was it not for decyphering we Jhould be at 
 a lofs in the mojl ordinary Affairs of Life. By what 
 tther Art could it be made cut that Grumbling in the 
 Guts fignifies a Dinner ; from whence the Learned 
 derive that ingenious Saying, of a Alans Belly cry- 
 ing Cupboard, to omit other innumerable In/lances. 
 
 From all which we hope the courteous Pleader if 
 fully informed what we mean by the *Title of our Book- t 
 and that we have no Deftgn to prove Mr. Gulliver a 
 Traitor, ' tbo' every Body fays ht is difaffcSled, 
 
 Next
 
 ( 79 ) 
 
 Next Week will be pubK/hed t for the 
 Information of the Learned, 
 
 "PROPOSALS for printing by Subfcription the 
 Secret Hiftory of the Life and A&ions of 
 
 SCRIBLERUS or the Witty D n fet forth : 
 
 With an Account fo far as can be gathered from au- 
 thentick Records of his Writings, their beft E- 
 ditions, Prices, &c. Tranflated into French from 
 the original Perfian, by the Abbe de St. Pierre, of 
 the Royal Academy of Sciences at Paris, and now 
 faithfully rendered into Englijh by Dr. Swt. 
 
 I. The Hiftorical Part of this Work being entirely 
 finifti'd, and upwards of nine hundred Copper 
 Plates, necelfary for embellifhing the Hiftory al- 
 ready engraven by the moft famous Artifts of 
 Europe, is propofed to be printed in two neat 
 Pocket Volumes, on the fame Letter and Paper 
 as Gullivers Travels. 
 
 U. The Price to Subfcribers will be according to 
 the Value of the Hiftory, of which every Sub- 
 fcriber is left to judge. 
 
 III. No more mall be printed, than what are fub- 
 fcrib'd for. 
 
 IV. A few Copies mail be printed on Royal Paper, 
 for fuch as defire it, and curioufly bound in 
 Morocco Leather at Paris, by the famous Abbe
 
 ( 8o ) 
 
 du Sue'il ; each Subfcriber not paying above Two 
 Guineas for binding the Two Vols. 
 
 V. The Names and Titles of the Subfcribers fhall 
 be printed as generous Encouragers of a Work 
 fo ufeful and beneficial to the learned Part of Man- 
 kind. 
 
 Subfcriptious are taken in at the Univerfities of 
 Padua in //*//, Toledo in Spain, Leyden in Hol- 
 land^ Dublin in Ireland^ by the Doctors of the 
 . Serbonne at Paris j and at the Univerfities of Ox- 
 fo rd, Cambridge, and Aberdeen in this our native 
 Britain, where Specimens may be feen. 
 
 GUL-
 
 GULL I 7 E R 
 
 D E C Y P H E R ' D, &c. 
 
 AM A N need not be a Conjurer to fee into 
 fome Folks, nor deal with the Black-art 
 to find out who lives in Burlington-gardens^ 
 who has a Poetical Villa at Twickenham^ 
 and who fnores under a Canopy once a Week in a 
 certain Cathedral in his Majefty's Dominions. 
 
 I have fome where feen (I think in the Gallery of 
 Luxembourg,) a fort of Dutch piece of three figures 
 like Men with an Infcription, which may be thus 
 rendered in Englijh : 
 
 Tbefe are the Wags^ who boldly did adventure* 
 To club a Farce by Tripartite Indenture. 
 
 The Hiftory of this Picture is given us, as follows, 
 by the Memoirs written in thofe times. 
 
 A certain Prince^ Hufband to a great Queen of a 
 potent Kingdom, being one day very ill of the 
 Cholick, none of the fam'd Phyficians of .the 
 Court or City could relieve him, when a Minifter 
 of State, a deep Scholar and profound Philofopher* 
 bethought himfelf of an obfcure Scythian of his ac 
 quaintance, a Man of no great (kill in Medicine, 
 but a merry wag and a very dextrous fellow at a 
 Clyfter : This Son of Galen was immediately fent 
 
 VOL. I, F for,
 
 82 Gulliver Decypker'd. 
 
 for, and, as good luck would have it, delivered hfc 
 
 Highnefs of a lufl T . Now who but Joh:ny 
 
 upon all occafions ; (for that is the name our Hi- 
 ftorian gives him according to our Language. ) Her 
 Majefty dubb'd him Phyfician in ordinary ; the 
 Grand Treafurer made him his pot-compani, n, and 
 the chief Secretary took him into all his p'eafures, 
 'tis fuppos'd to remedy the evil effects of them j for 
 we forgot to obferve that he was a great Mafter in 
 venereal operations. Thus Jobny having acquired a 
 little reputation, began to lock about him, and dif- 
 cover many very agreeable Profpefts, and having 
 Wit, good nature, and feveral other conciliating 
 qualities, he foon became a favourite at Court, and 
 every body grew fond of his acquaintance. Amongft 
 the reft of thofe who fcrap'd intimacy with him, 
 there was a merry- fellow, whoperform'd the office 
 of Sacrificer at the Grand Treafurer's y moft expert 
 at Libations, and the art oi alluring the common 
 people to his Mafter by Omens, Predictions and 
 Odes, which hecaufed to be fung in the publick 
 places ; but as he was net one ci the figures in the 
 Pidture I am telling you of, I (hall fay no more of 
 him in this place, tho' you'jl afterwards find that he ' 
 makes a confiderable part of our Hiftory. 
 
 The next Perfon our Ph)fician grew intimate 
 with, was a little deformed crofs-gtained fellow, but 
 very ingenious and witty, and in great favour with 
 the Chief Secretary. His talent was Rhyming, and 
 'tis faid he raifed a great fortune by turning an old 
 Collection of Ballads into the language of the Coun- 
 try, tho' fome are fo malicious as to fay, that he did 
 not really underftand them himfelf, but got certain 
 Druids to explain them, and fo put them off for his 
 own ; this Wight, who they named Peter, had an 
 intimate friend, a very harmonious fellow, and an 
 
 excel-
 
 Gulliver Decypher'd. 83 
 
 excellent Bagpipe player, to which he us'd to fet 
 fonnets of his own making in the Paftoral kind j he 
 Was the freed rrian of a certain Lady of great Quali- 
 ty, who hid given him his liberty for feveral good 
 Services ; and her Ladyfhip being after troubled with 
 fits of the Mother, Had often occafton for Dr. 
 Johnny who then being in vogue, no body could be 
 modithly fick without him. You may be fure fym- 
 p.ithy of Difpofition and fo favourable an opportunity 
 ibon made an intimate Friendfhip between Peter^ his 
 friend, and our witty Doctor ; accordingly they 
 made an Alliance offend ve and defeniive between 
 each other. The Doctor was to cry them up at 
 Court, and in return Peter was to make Lyricks iri 
 his praife, and his Friend was frequently to pcrfu^de 
 his Lady that fhe was fick, in order to promote his 
 feufmefs. Thus they went on profperoufly thriving 
 like Jefuits, by commending themfelves, when an 
 accident happened, which obliged them to unite all 
 their forces for the common Service. 
 
 You muft know Johnny's fuccefs and favour at 
 Court gave great uneafmefs to the Brotherhood, but 
 to no body more than to Dr. Plaufible^ who was 
 the greateft favourite with the faction who oppofed 
 the Great Treafarer and Chief Secretary ; and he 
 therefore made it his bufinefs to difcredit our honeil 
 Scythian, alledging that he was no more to be com- 
 par'd to him than Anacharfu, to his matter Solan, 
 or the Brutifhncfs of the North to the Puiitenefs of 
 Athens ; for Dr. Plaufible counted hiirrdlf a great 
 Philofopher, he greatly affected to appear learned, 
 determined magifterially about Arts and Sciences, 
 and got abundance of Reputation by the labours of 
 his Hirelings, and in fhort was efteemed a great 
 Critick and Virtuofo by many People as well as 
 hirnfelf : But then he had two or three plaugy foibles; 
 F 2 he
 
 f Gulliver Decypher'd. 
 
 he could not pleafe his Wife, would fometimea 
 wade out of his depth in Phyfick and Criticifmj and 
 might at any time be flattered out of his Senfcs. 
 
 'Johnny getting information of thefe weak fides 
 of his proud enemy, refolved to attack him in his 
 own quarters, and either kill or put him to flight : 
 Accordingly he fummon'd his Allies to furnifh their 
 Quota ; and tho' Peter and his friend were but Par- 
 ties in the difpute, he, as fome great Nations have 
 done by their neighbours, made them Principals in 
 his own quarrel, and be at moft of the expence of 
 the battels that were fought for his Advantage only. 
 To this purpofe a Council was held, wherein, after 
 Preliminaries fettled, ways and means thought on, 
 they unanimoufly agreed to attack the Doctor in the 
 following manner, which, 'tis thought, was con- 
 cluded by the Inftance of the Chief Secretary^ who 
 ow'd him a fpight for manyreafons, but the Memoirs 
 of thofe times only aflign thefe two. 
 
 The firft was, that the Secretary's Lady being 
 dangeroufly fick, and the Doctor called to prefcribe 
 to her, he had ufed his utmoft Skill to recover her 
 (for ali agree that he was an honeft well-meaning 
 Man) and fucceeded fo well as to give good hopes 
 of the Lady's enjoying a good ftate of health and 
 long life, which by no means pleas'd her Hufband 
 (for People did infmuate that he really occafion'd her 
 illnefs) j he having at that time criminal correfpon- 
 dence with the Wives and Sifters of certain great 
 men^ who in fucceed ing Reigns became firji mlnifters. 
 But what moft irritated Mr. Secretary, was the in- 
 clination he had for the Doctor's own Bedfellow, 
 (who was noted for her kind-heartednefs to her Huf- 
 band's Patients) which being whifper'd about, fhe 
 was convey'd into the Country to be out of his way, 
 tho' 'tis hinted as if ihe found means, notwithftand- 
 
 ing
 
 Gulliver Decypherd. 8 
 
 ing this precaution, to converfe with him. However, 
 this watchfulnefs of the jealous Doctor occafioned 
 Refentment in the Secretary, which, with the in- 
 juries done to honeft Johnny, and fome difpleafure 
 of Peter and Ins Friend, and the common Intereft 
 together, produced a kind of Satyr or Stage- per- 
 formance, called by the Moderns a Farce. 
 
 Here each Party, had a fine Opportunity of being 
 reveng'd of their feveral adverfaries j Peter abufed 
 the Wittlings of the Town, for not having Senfe 
 enough to tafte his Mock-Heroicks and his Friends 
 Paftorals, who alfo introduced a Character to ri- 
 dicule his former Miftrefs or Lady Dutcbefs (as the 
 Moderns term it) for refufing to fupport him in his 
 Extravagancies as formerly; and Johnny you may 
 be fure, did not forget to fet off his Antagonift in 
 the moft riciculous light, and to befpatter his Wife 
 ki complaifance to the Secretary, who is faid to have 
 had reafon to complain of her kindnefsas well as her 
 Hufband's injuries to him. 
 
 War was now begun with great fury, and the 
 Theatre was the field of battle ; but notwithftand- 
 ing that they attack'd their enemies with Crocodiles 
 inftead of Elephants, ufing Hoop Petticoats for 
 Mortar Pieces, and Scandal for Bullets, Dr. Plau- 
 fible and his party raifed fuch power as to defeat their 
 Enemies, and a trophy was erected in memory of 
 their Victory ; wherein the three Champions, who 
 clubb'd for the Farce, where reprefented as in the 
 Picture we mentioned to have feen in the Gallery of 
 Luxembourg, with the Tnfcription under it that gave 
 rife to this digreflion. But now we re-aflume our 
 firft Intention. 
 
 However, what has been faid is not fo foreign to 
 
 our main Defign, as moft of the pretty Epifodes of 
 
 Modern writers j for [we hope to make it appear 
 
 F 3 from
 
 66 Gulliver Decypker*d. 
 
 from unqueflionable MSS. in the Cotton and 
 leian Libraries, and feveral others collated by . ur 
 Friends the QariJJimi both at Rome and Paris, that 
 two of this Triumvirate, and the merry Pontiff of 
 their acquaintance, is the individual LEMUEL GUL- 
 LIVER, wl-.om we undertake to difcover to the 
 "World. But firft, we fhall beg leave to aflign fome 
 reafons why it cannot poiTibly be written by the 
 Reverend Dean, on whom it is malicioufly father'd, 
 or whom the Bookfcller for his own gain infmuatcs 
 to be the Author of it. 
 
 The nrft reafon for our Opinion in this important 
 Matter is, that in the Greek Copies of this Work, 
 there are all poffible Marks of very early Antiquity, 
 the characters being the fame with the Infcriptio 
 Sigea lately published by a learned Antiquary ; and 
 it appears that the Greek letter ..bout which he and 
 one of our Learned Profeff, rs difputed, is not once 
 made ufe of throughout the whole work, as the 
 publick may be informed from the accurate Mr. 
 Hrn of Oxford, who collated the Bodlean MSS. 
 for us. So that we may prtfume to affirm without 
 
 any difparagement to the Reverend D , that 
 
 this Piece could not be his, fmce 'tis very probable 
 that he cannot fo much as read the Characters in 
 which the Original is written ; tho' in other refpedls 
 a good Grecian, and this he will aflure any one of, 
 that is curious enough to enquire, having never pre- 
 ter.dcd to any great Skill in the Philological way, 
 tho' always a great Advocate for the Ancients ; 
 thinking it, beft no doubt with his Matter Sir 
 William Temple to defend them in our own Mother 
 tongue, as being what is beft underftood by us. 
 
 Another reafon why this Book cannot be the D 's 
 is, that it plainly appears to be the Work of an 
 Heathen or Jnu, there being not one Word of true 
 
 Chriftranity
 
 Gulliver Decypher'd. 67 
 
 Chriftianity in it, but feveral ludicrous and obfcene . 
 Paflages, which are {hocking even to common De- 
 cency ; and every Body is acquainted with the D 
 
 great Piety and Devotion, as well as his Abhorrence 
 of Blafphemy and Irreligion. 
 
 A Third Reafon why this Book cannot be the 
 
 worthy D , is the many oblique Reflections 
 
 it is faid to caft upon our prefent happy Adminiitra- 
 tion, to which 'tis well known how devoutly he is 
 attach'd and affected. 
 
 For Method fake, we fhall examine each of thefe 
 Reafons feverally, ana prove them from undoubted 
 Paflages taken out of the Book itfelf, and diligently 
 revis'd and compar'd with the Original j but firft, 
 by way of Prolegomena, or Preliminary Difcourfe, 
 fay fomething of theDefign and Into}: of the real 
 Author or Authors of this Performance. 
 
 A Learned Scholiaft, who flourifh'd about the 
 middle of the I5th Century, afTures us, that this 
 jaborious Work was begun in the latter End of the 
 Reign of the great Queen before-mention'd, at the 
 Defire of her Grand Treasurer and Chief Secretary , 
 and feveral others of her great Officers, in order to 
 oppofe the contrary Faction, and abufe the fucceed- 
 ing Government : And that the Reader may fornj 
 a true Notion of the Spirit of its Authors, he gives 
 fome Account of thefe Miuifters, from the Writings 
 of their own Party. 
 
 " The Grand Treafurer, fays our Scholiaft, (a? 
 a celebrated Author tells us) always held much deep 
 Converfation with himfeif, had liis Countenance 
 chequer'd with Btifmefs and Defign ; was fometiincs 
 ieen to walk very faft, with his Eyes faft nail'd to 
 a Paper that he held in his Hands ; was a great Saver 
 of Time ; fome what thick of Hearing ; very fhort 
 of Sight, but more of Memory. A Man ever in 
 JIafte, a great Hatcher and Breeder of Bufinefs, and 
 F 4 excellent
 
 88 Gulliver Decypher'd. 
 
 excellent at the famous Art of Wbifpering Nothing. 
 An huge Idolater of Monofyllables and Procraftina- 
 tion ; fo ready to give his Word to every Body, 
 that he never kept it. One that forgot the common 
 Meaning of Words, but an admirable Retainer of 
 the Sound. Extremely fubjet to the Loofenefs, for 
 his Gccafions were ever calling him away" * * 
 
 Here, to our great Misfortune, is an irretrievable 
 Hiatus in Manufcript. We have therefore no 
 Account from our Scholiaft of the reft of the 
 Minifters : But what we can learn from other Au- 
 thors is this, namely, that the Chief Secretary was 
 a young Gentleman of admirable Qualities, both 
 natural and acquir'd ; a moft excellent Speaker, and 
 one who had an uncommon Capacity for Bufinefs, 
 but witha! fo enflav'd by his Fears, that he was, at 
 laft, prevail'd upon to quit his Party. * * * 
 
 The next in Power, tho' firft in Rank, was the 
 Grand Chancellor^ one deeply fkill'd in the Laws, 
 and an excellent Orator ; but wholly govern'd by 
 Avarice, which eafily induced him to go over to the 
 other Side, for valuable Confiderations. * * * 
 
 The laft whom we fhall have Occafion to men- 
 tion as a great Promoter of this Work, was the 
 Commander of the Forces, a Perfon whom all the 
 celebrated Writers of thofe Times highly extoll for 
 his fingular Humanity, Good Nature, and Genero- 
 fity, having wafted, inftead of making, his For- 
 tune in his Country's Service ; and yet at length he 
 was forc'd to quit it for fome Reafcns of which 
 JJiftory is filent j but 'tis generally agreed, that he, 
 
 never
 
 Gulliver Decipher* d. 89 
 
 never did any thing really to forfeit his Character, 
 ?,s the reft of his Junto had done. For the Grand 
 Treafurer is abufed by many, as well as the forecited 
 Author ; tho' it does not appear from any Authors 
 of good Credit, that he ever forfeited his Integrity, 
 however he might act upon miftaken Principles : 
 All the Writers of thofe times allow him to be a 
 Man of extraordinary Undcrftanding, very learned, 
 intrepid, and generous to a Fault, dying in Debt, 
 tho' he had the Management of the pubiick Reve- 
 nues for feveral Years ; however his dark and intri- 
 cate way of dealing made the Generality of Man- 
 kind have a worfe Opinion of him than he deferv'd. 
 
 This laft Minifter was the principal Promoter (as 
 our Scholiaft tells us ) of the Piece we are now to ex- 
 amine, and the Pontiff Martin ( for that was his 
 Name in plain Englijb) had the chief Hand in com- 
 pofmg it, being his Creature and Domeftick ; though 
 there is great reafon to believe that Peter and Johnny 
 were concerned in it from feveral Peculiarities re- 
 markable in their Writings, as hereafter fhall be 
 /hewn, and from the general Current of Antiquity. 
 
 But before we produce any farther Proofs of their 
 being the Authors of this Work, we muft fiift 
 prove negatively who is not, as we before promifed 
 from three different, and undeniable Arguments, 
 which are thefe : 
 
 /Yr/?, From the Characters and Stile of the Ori- 
 ginal, which is unqueftionable from what has been 
 urged already. 
 
 Secondly^ From the ludicrous, trifling, and ob- 
 fcure Paffages in it. And Thirdly, from the Reflec- 
 tions it is faid to caft upon the prefcnt Government 
 and its Friends. - 
 
 But tho' we have divided what we defign to fay 
 Into feveral Heads, to fhew our Skill in Analythk^ 
 
 we
 
 96 Gulliver Decypher'd. 
 
 we hope the courteous Reader will not imagine us 
 fuch dull Fellows to be methodical, fince he may 
 be allured that it is not our Defign, having the ge- 
 neral Current of Antiquity, as w.ll as the Practice 
 of ciie moft approved modern Writers and Speakers* 
 to fupport us in faying whatever we think fit as in- 
 coherently as we find necefiary, notwithHanding the 
 ungenteel Schemes of the Schoolmen . So that if 
 we lay down any Topick of Difcourfe, the Judici- 
 ous muir. nt expect us to fpeak to it, any more than 
 certain noted Speech-makers in both Houfts, or the 
 celebrated Montaigne in his EiTays, or the famous 
 City Preachers, fchifmatical Orators, or Academical 
 Lectures, whofe -Difcourfes will commonly ferve 
 for any Subject or Text in the Bible, as well as that 
 they undertake to handle, which, it mufl be granted, 
 is a very ingenious Contrivance, and of very great 
 Ufe to fuch as have but a Vmall Stock. 
 
 Now I am talking of Perfons, it puts me in mintl 
 of the Grand Treafurer's Chaplain, for fo we may 
 call him, whatever his Title was in thofe Times j 
 whether Secretary, Steward, Pimp, or Decipherer, 
 for we have heard of confiderable Pontiffs, who 
 have fupply'd the Place of each of thefe great Offi- 
 cers, with very great Succefe and Advantage. Mr, 
 Martin, you mult know, (for that was his Name, 
 as we faid before, according to our Engllfh Termi- 
 nation) was what the Country Folk call a jolly lufty 
 Fellow, u mofl excellent Man at a Loin of Beef j 
 and for Claret, few could match him, and then he 
 was blefs'd with a fort of Grace for which a neigh- 
 bouring Country is very famous, being never known 
 to blufh in his Life, but once, when difcover'd on 
 his Knees in private. Our Author tells us, that he 
 had abundance of Wit and Humour, but that he 
 generally employ'd it upon trifling Occafions, or to 
 
 ridicule
 
 Gulliver Decypher*?. $t 
 
 iidicule Religion, or Libel the Government ; never 
 having produced any thing in his own Profeflion, but 
 what ferv'd to make a Jeft of it. He had an ex- 
 cellent Knack at composing merry Odes upon Mat- 
 ters of State, and of burlefquiug the Hymns that 
 were dedicated to their Deities ; tho' fome Writers 
 attribute thefe rather to hi? Friend Peter, fince more 
 confiftent with his Character as a Ballad-finger, and 
 as not being of the Pontifical College, tho' he pro- 
 fefled himfelf to be one of that Set, whofe way of 
 Worfhip was moft abfurd and fuperftitious : For 
 Martin, Peter and John, differed from each other 
 in the Modes, however they might agree in the Ef- 
 fentials of Religion ; though the Criticks fay, that 
 John was the moft ferious, his Countrymen being 
 generally inclined to Enthujiafm. Having now got 
 our Three Wags together, let us leave them a little 
 whilft we examine their Performance. 
 
 We fhall not detain our Readers with Remarks 
 upon the Title of the Book, or upon what the Pub- 
 lilher fays to the Reader, fince foreign to our main 
 I^cfign, which is to vindicate the Reverend D -, 
 on whom it is malicioufly father'd : Befides, every 
 ^ody is now acquainted with Curlifm, or the Tricks 
 which Bookfellers put upon the World, in order to 
 raife their Market. 
 
 The Account which the Author is faid to give of 
 himfelf and Family, his Travels, &c. are manifeft 
 Forgeries, not one Word of them being in the Ori- 
 ginal ; fo that they feem to have been added to the 
 Engl'ifl) Verfion by the Author of Robinfon Crufoe, to 
 jnhance the Price, and other Reafons very obvious, 
 We are told, indeed, that the learned B y in- 
 tends to-favour the World with a Difllrtation upon 
 the Words Gulliver, Lilliput, and the reft of the 
 Terms made ufe of throughout this Piece, to fhew 
 
 that
 
 9* Gulliver Decypher'd. 
 
 that they are originally Syriack 9 but have been cor- 
 rupted by the Copyifts j and by this 'tis thought the 
 
 pious D means to prove, that the Queen, we 
 
 mention'd in the Beginning of this Book, was really 
 the famous Zenobia^ fo remarkable for her Chaitity, 
 that (he ufed to turn her Hufband out of Bed the 
 Minute {he had concciv'd ; which looks fomething 
 like an Argument for Bigamy, were we not well af- 
 fured of the D Continence and Self-Denial. 
 
 In this Diflertation it is demonflrated, that the 
 Word Emperor in the Englijh, is in the Original 
 fometimes written BA2IA S I or (3a<nAi<r<ra ; which 
 fome of the merry Fellows of Trinity in Cowbrtdgt^ 
 will needs interpret, ^ueen Anne, from whence o- 
 thers infer, that the Pretender is certainly meant by 
 this Defription of the Emperor of Lilliput^ (Pag.29-) 
 ** He is taller than any of his Court, which ftrikes 
 an Awe into the Beholders. His Features are ftrong 
 and mafculine, with an Aufirian Lip and arched Nofe, 
 his Complexion Olive, his Countenance erecT:, his 
 Body and Limbs well proportioned, all his Motions 
 graceful, and his Deportment majeilick. He alfo 
 fays, this Prince lives chiefly upon his own Demefns, 
 (eldom, except upon great Occaftons, raifmg any 
 Subfidies upon his Subjects, who are bound to at- 
 tend him in his Wars at their own Expence." 
 
 (Pag. 85.) The Account of Rope-dancing is much 
 difcanted on by the judicious and politick. " This 
 Diverfion is only praclifed by thofe Perfons, who are 
 Candidates for great Employments, and high Favour 
 at Court. They are train'd in this Art from their 
 Youth, and are net always of noble Birth, or libe- 
 ral Education. When a great Office is vacant, either 
 by Death or Difgrace, (which often happens) Five 
 or Six Candidates petition the Emperor to entertain 
 his Majefty and the Court with a Paiice on the Rope 
 
 and
 
 - -. 
 
 Gulliver Decypher*d. 93 
 
 and whoever jumps higheft without falling, fucceeds 
 in the Office. Very often, the chief Minifters them- 
 fclves are commanded to fhew their Skill, and to con- 
 vince the Emperor that they have not loft their Fa- 
 culty. Flimnap, the Treafurer, is allow'd to cut a 
 Caper on the llrait Rope, at leaft, an Inch higher 
 than any other Lord in the whole Empire. I have 
 feen him do the Somerfet feveral Times together up- 
 on a Trencher fix'd on the Rope . The prin- 
 cipal Secretary for private Affairs is, in my Opinion, 
 if I am not partial, the Second after the Treafurer ; 
 the reft of the great Officers are much upon a Par. 
 
 Thefe Diversions are often attended with fatal Ac- 
 cidents, whereof great Numbers are on Record. I 
 myfelf have feen Two or Three Candidates break a 
 Limb. But the Danger is much greater when the 
 Minifters themfelves are commanded to fhew their 
 Dexterity ; for by contending to excell themfelves 
 and their Fellows, they ftrain fo far, that there is 
 hardly one of them who hath not received a Fall, 
 and fome of them Two or Three. I was afTured, 
 that a Year or Two before my Arrival, the Trea- 
 furer would infallibly have broke his Neck, if one 
 of the King's Cufhions, that accidentally Jay on the 
 Ground, had not weakened the Force of his Fall.'* 
 
 " There is Hkewife another Diverfion, which is 
 only fhewn before the Emperor and Emprefs, and 
 firft Minifter, upon particular Occafions. The 
 Emperor lays upon a Table three fine Silken 
 Threads of fix Inches long ; One is Purple, the 
 other Yellow, and the Third White. Thefe Threads 
 are propofed as Prizes for thofe Perfons, whom the 
 Emperor hath a Mind to diftinguifh by a peculiar 
 Mark of his Favour. The Ceremony is perform'd 
 in his Majefty's great Chamber of State, where the 
 Candidates are to undergo a Trial of Dexterity, ve- 
 ry
 
 94 Gulliver Decypber'd. 
 
 iy different from the former, and fuch as I have no' 
 obfervcd the leaft Refembl?nce of in any other 
 Country, of the old or new World. The Emperor 
 holds a Stick in his Hands, both Ends parallel to the 
 Horizon, while the Candidates, advancing One by 
 One, fometimes leap over the Stick, fometimes 
 creep over it backwards and forwards feveral Times, 
 according as the Stick is advanced or deprdled. 
 Sometimes the Emperor holds one End of the Sticky- 
 and his firit Miniftcr the other ; fometimes the Mi- 
 nifter hath it entirely to himfelf. Whoever performs 
 his Part with moft Agility, and holds out the longeft 
 in leaping and creeping, is rewarded with the Purple 
 colour'd Silk ; the Yellow is given to the next, and 
 the White to the Third, which they all wear girt 
 twice round about the Middle ; and you fee few 
 great Perfons about this Court, who are not adorned 
 with one of thefe Girdles." 
 
 Your Dealers in Myfteries will certainly find out 
 ftrange Meanings in this Defcription of Dancing up- 
 on Ropes, and leaping over Sticks ; and give a po- 
 litical Turn to every particular Circumftance of it. 
 But how can Matters done fo long ago affect us ; but 
 if they muft needs be more modern ; from thence 
 w.. argue, That the Reverend De--n could have no 
 Hand in them, fince he is wholly devoted to Piety 
 and Religion. A farther Argument of this is the 
 following Relation, which the Author of the Book 
 gives, of a Conference between him and the Princi- 
 pal Secretary of private Affairs. 
 
 (Pag. 70.) " One Morning he came to my Houfe, 
 attended only by one Servant, he ordered his Coach 
 to wait at a Diftance, and dcfired me to give him an 
 Houi's Audience ; which I readily confented to, on 
 Account of his Quality and perfonal Merits, as well 
 as the many good Offices he had done me during my 
 
 Soliciti-
 
 Gulliver Dccypher'd. 95 
 
 Solicitation at Court. He began with Compliments 
 upon my Liberty ; but added, that if it had not been 
 for the prefent Situation of Things at Court, perhaps 
 I might not have obtain'd it fo foon. For, (aid he, 
 as flourifhing a Condition as we may appear to be in 
 to Foreigners, we labour under two mighty Evils; 
 a violent Fadrion at Home, and the Danger of an 
 Jnvafion of a moft potent Enemy from Abroad. As 
 to the faft, you are to underftand, that for above 
 Seventy Moons, there have been two ftruggling Par- 
 ties in this Empire, under the Names of Trarneckfan 
 and Slameckfan y from the High and Low Heels on 
 their Shoes, by which they diftinguifh themfelves, 
 It is ailedg'd, indeed, that the high Heels are moft 
 agreeable to our ancient Conftitution : But however 
 this be, his Majefty hath determin'd to make Ufe 
 only of low Heels in the Adminiftration of the Go- 
 vernment, and all Offices in the Gift of the Crown, 
 
 as you cannot bnt obferve. (P. 72.) The Animo- 
 
 fities between thefe two Parties run fo high, that 
 they will neither eat ner drink, nor Talk with each 
 other. We compute the high Heels to exceed us in 
 Number ; but the Power is wholly on our Side. We 
 apprehend his Imperial Highnefs, the Heir to the 
 Crown, to have fome Tendency towards the high 
 Heels ; at leaft we can plainly difcover one of his 
 Heels higher than the other, which gives him an 
 hobble in his Gate. Now in the midft of thefe in- 
 teftine Difquiets, we are threatened with an Invafion 
 from Blefufcti) which is the other great Empire of 
 
 the Univerfe. Thefe Two mighty Powers 
 
 have been engaged in a moft obilinate War for Six 
 and Thirty Moons paft. It began upon the follow- 
 ing Occafton. It is allowed on all Hands, that the 
 primitive Way of breaking Eggs before we eat them 
 was upon the larger End : But his prefent Majefty's 
 
 Grand-
 
 $6 Gulliver 
 
 Grandfather, whilft he was a Boy, going to eat an 
 Egg, and breaking it according to the ancient Prac- 
 tice, happened to cut one of his Fingers: Where- 
 upon, the Emperor, his Father, publifn'd an Edit, 
 commanding all his Subjects, upon great Penalties, 
 to break the fmaller End of their Eggs. The Peo- 
 ple fo highly refented this Law, that our Hiftory 
 tells us, that there have been Six Rebellions raifed on 
 that Account ; wherein One Emperor loft his Life, 
 and another his Crown. Thefe civil Commotions 
 were conftantly fomented by the Monarchs of Ble- 
 fujcu ; and when they were quelled, the Exiles al- 
 ways fled for Refuge to that Empire. It is com- 
 puted, that Eleven Thoufand Perfons have, at feve- 
 ral Times, fuftered Death, rather than fubmit to 
 break their Eggs at the fmaller End. Many Hun- 
 dred large Volumes have been publifhed upon this 
 Controversy : But the Books of the Big-Endians 
 have been long forbidden, and the whole Party ren- 
 dered incapable by Law of holding Employments. 
 During the Courfe of thefe Troubles, the Emperors- 
 of Blefufcu did frequently expoftulate by their Am-' 
 bafiador, accufmg us of making a Schifm in Religi- 
 on, by offending againft a fundamental Doctrine of 
 our great Prophet Lujtrog, in the 54th Chap, of the 
 Blunderal, (which is their Alcoran]. This, however 
 is thought to be a meer Sham upon the Text ; for 
 the Words are thefe ; Ttjat all true Believers fiall 
 break their Eggs at a convenient End ; and which is 
 the convenient End, feems, in my humble Opinion, 
 to be left to every Man's Confcience, or at leaft in 
 the Power of the Civil Magifrrate, to determine. 
 Now the Big-Endians Exiles have found fo much 
 Credit in the Emperor of Blcfufcifs Court, and fo 
 much private AiTiftance and Encouragement from 
 their Party here at Home, that a bloody War hath 
 
 been
 
 Gulliver Decypher'd. gj 
 
 V>e?n carried on between the Two Empire's for Six 
 ;,nd Thirty Moons, with various SucceG ; during 
 which Time, vye have loft Forty Capital Ships, and 
 a much greater Number of fmalier VelTels, tog-ethex 
 with 1 iiirty Thoufand of our heft Seamen and Sol- 
 diers ; and the Damage receiv'd by the Enemy is 
 reckon'd to be fomohat greater than ours. 
 
 The Reflections that will accrue to every Reader, 
 upon this Conference, b fo obvious, that we (hall 
 not fo much as hint at them, hut proceed to the 
 n xt remarkable Paflage ; in order to cornpleat our 
 Quotations before we begin our Remarks or Obfer- 
 vations. 
 
 The following Queftions, ftippos'c! tobeafk'd by 
 a certain King, are not in all the MSS. Copies, fo 
 
 the Ci iticks are not agreed about them. (Pag. 
 
 112.) " He afked me (fays the Author) what Me- 
 tii.ids were uLd to cultivate the Minds of our young 
 Nobility, and in what kind of Bufmefs they corn- 
 manly fp^nt the firft and teachable Part of their 
 Lives? What Courfe was taken to fupply that AfTem- 
 bly when any Noble Family became extinct ? What 
 Qualifications were neceflary in thofe, who are to 
 be created new Lords ? Whether the Humour of 
 the Prince, a Sum of Money to a Court Lady, or a 
 Prime Minifter, or a Dengn of {lengthening a 
 Partv to the publick Intereft, ever happen'd to be 
 the Motives in thofe Advancements ? What Share 
 of Knowledge thufe Lords had in the Laws of their 
 Country, ana how they c^m.- by it, fo as to enable 
 them to decl.L' the Property of their Fellov Subjects 
 in the laft Refort ? Whether the y were always fo 
 free from Avarice, Partialities or Want, that a Bribe,' 
 or fome other fmiirer View, could h:;ve no Place 
 them? Whether thofe holv i.ords[* 
 
 Vol. I. G - fpok 
 
 * There are plain Marks of Novell rin tits Paffa^e.
 
 98 Gulliver Decypber'd, 
 
 fpoke of, were always promoted to that Rank 
 Account of their Knowledge in religious Ma 
 
 upon 
 latters, . 
 
 and the Sanctity of their Lives had never been Com- 
 pliers with the Times ; while they were common 
 Priefts, or flavifh proftitute Chaplains to fome. 
 Nobleman, whofe Opinions they cominued fervilely 
 to follow, after they were admitted into that Af- 
 fembly."] 
 
 ' f He then defir'd to know what Arts were 
 pjactis'd in electing thofe I calPd Commoners : 
 Whether a Stranger with a ftrong Purfe might not 
 influence the vulgar Voters to choofe him before 
 their own Landlord, or the moft confiderable Gen- 
 tleman in the Neighbourhood? How it came to pafs, 
 that People were fo violently bent upon getting into 
 this Affl-mbly, which J allow'd to be- a great Trouble 
 and Expence ; often to the Ruin of their Families, 
 without any Salary or Penfion ? Becaufe this ap- 
 pear'd fuch an exalted Strain of Virtue and publick 
 Spirit, that his Majefty feem'd to doubt it might- 
 poffibly not be always fincere : (Pag. 114.) And he. 
 tlefir'd to know whether fuch zealous Gentlemen 
 could have any Views of refunding themfelves for 
 the Charges and Trouble they were at, by facrificing 
 the Publick Good to the Defigns of a weak and 
 vicious Prince, in Conjunction with a corrupted' 
 Miniftry ? He multiply'd his Queftions, and fifted 
 me thoroughly upon every Part of this Head, pro- 
 pofmg numberlefs Enquiries and Objections, which 
 I think it not prudent or convenient to repeat." 
 
 Thefe Paflages which we have here cited, are all 
 that we find worth our Notice in the five firft Chap- 
 ters of this Work ; tho' fome think, that what is- 
 faid of the Galbet or Admiral (p. 58) is meant of a 
 great Man, who was once the worthy D 's Pa- 
 tron k. 
 
 f This it liktwift. fuffidoiif.
 
 Gulliver Decypher'd. 99 
 
 iron ; which is not at all probable, fmce he defcribes 
 s< him to be a Perfon of a very Morofe and Sour 
 Complexion, tho' much in his Majler's Confidence and 
 well vers'd in Affairs j" and we cannot imagine fo 
 confiderable a Man to be capable of abuiing his 
 Benefactor, how common foever fuch Pra6lices are 
 how in the World. 
 
 Hitherto we meet not with any Footfteps of the 
 Original, from whence the Main of this Work is 
 taken. It muft, indeed, be acknowledg'd, that 
 both the Diveriion of Rope-dancing and leaping over 
 Sticks, as well as the Account of the Quarrel about 
 breaking Eggs at the fmall End, and of the High 
 md Low Heels, is in fo:ne prett ancient Copies, and 
 a Friend afTures us, that he has feen one in the Har- 
 ielan Library, wherein all thefe Particulars were 
 contain'd Word for W^ord ; yet, as upon our ap- 
 plying to the late worthy Librarian, we could not 
 get a Sight thereof, we are apt to think they are not 
 genuine : However, it muft be own'd, that they 
 have an Air of Antiquity, fince 'tis well known, 
 that the Eaftern Nations were rriuch inclin'd to an 
 Allegorical Way of Writing. 
 
 The vi. Chap. (Pag. 92.) agrees, for the moft 
 Part, with the Original, Allowance being made for 
 falfe Rendrings, by Reafon of the Difficulty of the 
 Language, and for fome Errors that have crept in 
 by the Ignorance of Tranfcribers, in frequently 
 confounding the Glofles with the Text ; but this 
 may reafonably be excufed, fmce it hath happen'd 
 to the Works of many great Men ; particularly to 
 Origens famous Edition of the Septuagint, which is 
 the Re-afon, no doubt, why fo few, now a-days, un- 
 derftand the Bible, and that Men of Wit and Po- 
 litenels never read it. 
 
 Diftance of Time, indeed, makes it very dif- 
 G 2 ficult
 
 ?oo Gulliver Decypher^'J. 
 
 ficult to guefs what the Author means, when hfe 
 fays, that the common Size of the Natives of Liliiput 
 is fomewhat under fix Inches^ and that there is an 
 exaft Proportion in all other Animals^ as well as 
 Plants and Trees. For this and the other fabulous 
 Defcriptions in this Book, we (hail therefore refer 
 the Curious to the Commentators upon Petroniui^ 
 Monf. Rabbais, the Tale of a Tub^ &c. who can 
 rind out fecret Meanings in Books with which the 
 Authors themfelves were never acquainted. 
 
 As for the Account of their Learning, Laws, 
 Cuftoms, and Manners of educating Children, 
 which we read in the following Pages of this Firft 
 Part, it is perfectly agreeable to the Greek, and may 
 ferve for a ufeful Reprehenfion to us. 
 
 But by this time we cannot think, but that the 
 courteous Reader is fullyfatisfied,that the Reverend 
 
 D we are vindicating, cannot poflibly be the 
 
 Author of this part of the Book that is malicioufly 
 afcrib'd to him j which is fo very trifling, that it is 
 
 not to be imagined that a ferious D n, who 
 
 has Religion, and the good of Seuls fa much at 
 heart, could a& fo contrary to the Dignity of his 
 Character, merely to gratify a little Party Malice, 
 or to oblige a Set of People who are never likely to 
 have it in their Power to ferve him, or any of their 
 Adherents. Doubtlefs he, good Man, employs his 
 Time to more facred Purpofes than in writing Satyrs 
 and Libels upon his Superiors, or in compofmg v 
 Grub-Jireet Pamphlets to divert the Vulgar of all 
 Denominations. 
 
 Thefe Suppositions are altogether as abfurd as if 
 we were to fee the Bifhops and Judges playing at 
 Leap-frog; whereas all this exactly tallies with the 
 Character of one of the Perfons, whom our learn 'd 
 Scholiaft before-mentioned, proves to .be concern'd 
 
 in
 
 Gulliver Decypbef'd. I.Q-I 
 
 in this Book, in his Diflertation upon the feventeenth 
 Line of the Harhian MS. where he relates this 
 remarkable Story. 
 
 . M A R T I N, fays he, was fo addifted to Ri- 
 baldry and Lampooning, and trifling Competitions, 
 to which he gave a very entertaining Turn by means 
 xjf his uncommon Wit and Humour, that all the 
 Books or Pamphlets of this kind were father'd upon 
 him ; which made fuch anlmpreflion upon the good 
 Queen, who had a great Regard to Religion, that 
 all the Intereft of the Grand Treafurer and Chief 
 Secretary could never prevail to raife him to the firft 
 Rank in the Pontifical College, notwithftanding 
 their repeated Endeavours to promote him. Tho' 
 'tis faid they had once almoft obtain'd a Conge^ 
 d* Elire for him, when .an eld Pontiff, for whom the 
 .Queen had the greatelr. Regard, came and aflured 
 her Majefty that he was a Contemner of the Gods, 
 and had written profefiedly againft Religion ; fo he 
 was forc'd to content himfelf with a lower Office 
 in a neighbouring Ifland, where :he continued fnar- 
 ling at Mankind, libelling the Government, and ri- 
 diculing Religion as long as he liv'd. 
 
 It will here be nece-Tary to tell the Reader, that 
 rnoft of our Obfervations upon this Work are taken 
 from a MS. Book very fairly written in the Syriack 
 Language, that is to be met with in the Library we 
 have had often occafion to mention in the foregoing 
 Remarks ; the Title of it in EngliJ}} is the Life of 
 Scriblerus, which tho' for fome reafons has never 
 been made publick ; and had it not been for our 
 great Intimacy with the Librarian, we fhould never 
 have been able to oblige the Pubiick with thefe cu- 
 rhus Animadverfions. 
 
 The next remarkable Paffage is a Satyr upon the 
 
 .nglijh Ladies^ in exprefs Terms, which neither 
 
 G 3 B-l,
 
 102 Gulliver Decypker'd. 
 
 B /x, nor any of the Criticks, wii', I p,.e~ 
 
 fume, alkdge is in the Original, fince it is contra- 
 dictory both to Hiftory and Chronology ; for our 
 Bonducas^ with their emhroider'd Skins and broaU 
 Swords, were hardly known in Greece ib long ago ; 
 and had the Author lived in this Age, and been ac- 
 quainted with our Hides, our Harveys^ and infinite 
 others, not to be enumerated, he would not have 
 aflerted, (Pag. 23.) That their fair Skins appear 
 fo beautiful to us, only becaufe their Defefts are not 
 to be feen without a magnifying Glafs, &c. 
 
 I am confident, that Lady Mary** will vouch 
 
 for the witty D , that he could never be 
 
 Author of this Piece of Scandal, fince it would be 
 an Argumc-nt of his- Ingratitude, as well as Want 
 of Judgment: the !.,<>it-s it is well known purchafe 
 many a Grub-Jireet Production for his Sake ; witnefs 
 the 'Story of the wild Youth, &c. though 'tis 
 
 much they could imagine, that the I) 
 
 had fo little Buhncfs or Rtgard to his Character, as 
 to fpcnd nis Time in fuch Trifles : But fome argue, 
 on the other Side, that fmcc Emperors have thought 
 catching of Flies not unworthy of them, why may 
 not Prelates play at Pujh pin, 
 
 This Satyr is cominu'd (Pag. 85. ) and level'd 
 exprefly at the Maids of Hcn< ur ; but we may af- 
 fure the World, that we never heard any great Harm 
 of thofe of our Eritifl> Cr,jrt : the' there goes a 
 malicious Story of one of their Predeccflors, how 
 that fearching for certain little ircublefcr-j Animals 
 one Evening by Candle iighr, ihe had thcMisfortune 
 
 to fet Eire to her Smock, C5Y. upon which a 
 
 certain Duke is faid to huve written an excellent 
 Ballad. 
 
 We 
 
 ** Tie cc,mmcn Opinion is, 11 at tr^fi of ill, P<iricfibe 
 Work ii Peter's,/;-6W tie Ttttcba cf Gbfccnitj ilat arc fre- 
 quently met <witby*nd particularly in tbe foregoing PfiJ/agt:,
 
 Gulliver Dccypber'd. 103 
 
 We find another Modern political Interpolation 
 (Pag. 58.)^- 
 
 As alfo Pages 108, 109, &c. Where an Ac- 
 count is given of the Lords and Commons, the 
 Bifujps and Judges j of which this is moft remark- 
 able, viz. 
 
 That the firft are the Ornament, &c. of the 
 
 Kingdom worthy Followers of their renowned An- 
 
 .ceftors, whoje Honour had been the Reward of their 
 Virtue, from which their P.ujlerity -were never once 
 known to degenerate, . &c. There are fome who will 
 -needs have tiiis Puliage to be Ironical, but with what 
 Grounds, we leave it to the Reader to determine. 
 
 (P. no.j The Commons, he fays, areallprin- 
 .cipal Gentlemen, freely picked and culFd out by the 
 People themfelves, for their great Abilities and Love 
 ,ef th&ir Country, &c. 
 
 This Paflage is, for the moft Part genuine, and 
 muft certainly be meant of fome Roman Senate, in 
 the Infancy of that State ; for 'tis ridiculous to ex- 
 pe<St an Aflembly of this Sort in a wealthy and 
 flourifhing Nation ; Rome herfelf grew continually 
 more and more corrupt, in Proportion to the Increafe 
 of her Power and Riches. So that the following 
 Queries are equally applicable to any profperous Na- 
 tion of the prefent or former Ages . 
 
 (Pag. in.) Firft, " What Method is taken to 
 cultivate the Minds and Bodies of our young No- 
 bility, and how they fpe nd the firft and teachable 
 Part of their Lives." Why, with their Mother's 
 'Chamber-maids, an half-learn d Tutor y and the more 
 polite Groom and Footmen. 
 
 Again, 'tis aflc'd, " Whether the Humour of the 
 Prince, a Sum of Money to a Court Lady, or a 
 ;Prime Minijfter, or a Defign of ftrengthening a 
 Party, &c. were not the Motives for making new 
 D 4. Lords,
 
 164 Gulliver Decypher'd. 
 
 Lords, &c." Moft certainly, they often have 
 
 been, and will be : Arul what is the mighty Infe- 
 rence from all this, but that every Government has 
 particular Defigns to bring about, and makes Ufe 
 of proper Means to effect them. 
 
 Then Enquiry is made after their Knowledge in 
 the Laws, Cffr. fo as to enable them to decide in 
 the laffc Refort. And as for the Objection of Ava- 
 rice, Partiality, Want, and Bribes, they have 
 doubtiefs had Place in all Reigns. Being jlavijh 
 projiitute Chaplains is certainly a good Step to- 
 wards becoming an Holy Lord; but it does not al- 
 ways fucceed, as fame Folks very well know by 
 Experience ; for the fame Degree of Iniquity that 
 can raife one Man to an Arclibijhoprick, cannot lift 
 another above a Deanery. 
 
 The next Query is, p. 113. " Whether aftrong 
 Purfe does not influence Vulgar Votes? " Yes, 
 marry does it, as you may be inform'd from honeft 
 
 Numps, and his Friend at Madrid : And the 
 
 Reafon of the Eagernefs to get into this Aflembly 
 is, Intereft, Ambition, Party, or Prejudice ; fo it 
 has been, and fo it will be ; and People certainly 
 have Views of refunding tbernfclves^ for their Trouble 
 and Charges. As the World now ftands, there is 
 no living without Money, the Defire of bearing 
 Rule is natural to us, and every Man is inclin'd to 
 feme Party, and liable to fome Prejudices. This 
 is undeniable, to omit other Inftances, from the 
 Elections into learned Societies ; amongft whom, if 
 any where, we might expect Candour and Impar- 
 tiality : But I appeal to our Two Univerfities, 
 whether their Candidates for Fellowfhips have any 
 great Hopes from their Merit. A late Vice Chan- 
 cejlor knows very well, what Faction and Difcord 
 rages amongft them, what Wiks and Stratagems 
 
 he
 
 Gulliver Decypher'd. 105 
 
 he has been forced to have Recourfe to, to get a 
 Yownfman hiinfclf elected ; and 'tis remarkable, that 
 the largeit Society in cither of them, is the freeft 
 from thefe Diforders, becaufe the Body of the Stu- 
 dents are not concerned in the Government of the 
 Society : Whereas another Set of Gentlemen, who 
 have a fmall Affinity with them, have never been 
 able to agree with their Governor, becaufe there 
 may fomething be got by quarrelling. 
 ; Wfe come now to the Courts of Juftice, where 
 the Author tells us, />. 114. that he was formerly 
 almoft ruin' a 1 by a long Suit in Chancery, tbo* it was 
 decreed to him with Cojts, &c. Here we muft, with 
 Grief, acknowledge, " that moft unreafonably te- 
 dious are thp Determinations of Right and Wrong ; 
 that Advocates plead in Caufes inanifellly unjuft, 
 vexatious, and oppreflive j that Party and Politicks 
 have been often of Weight in the Scales of Juftice j 
 and that thefe Orators are not educated fo much in 
 the general Knowledge of Equity, as in national 
 and local Cuftoms ; and that, at different Times, 
 fome have pleaded for and againft the fame Caufe." 
 />. 115. 
 
 He falls, afterwards, upon the Management of cur 
 
 Treafury, &c. faying ; (p. 115.) that it was a 
 
 Mijlake to compute the Taxes at Jive or fix Millions, 
 becaufe they amounted to more than double ; (p. 1 16.) 
 that he was at a Lofs how a Kingdom could run out 
 of its EJlate like a private Perfon ; asking, who uere 
 our Creditors, and how we were to pay them ?-~1.hat 
 he was amaz'd to hear of a mercenary Jlanding Ar- 
 my in the midjl of Peace, and among a free People^ 
 &c. Xhat a private Afan's Houfe might be better 
 defended by himfelf^ his i hildren^ and his Family, 
 than by half a Dozen R.ajcals pick' ' d up at a Venture, 
 who might get more by cutting their T/iroats. 
 
 Every
 
 106 Gulliver Dccypher'cL 
 
 Every Body knows, that all this has been a com- 
 mon Jacobite Infinuation, from King Wdliam'% 
 Dutch Guards to the lafl Augmentation \ but, to 
 our great Surprize, it is of late, very frequently in 
 the Mouths of a quite different Set of People, dif- 
 carded Courtiers fome call them, of ,whom we may 
 ttuly fay 
 
 A 7 ;? King can govern^ nor no Gstl can fleafe* 
 
 For unlefs they are concernM in the Adminiftra- 
 tion, nothing goes right ; and as to Religion, they 
 are equally averfe to all the Modes of it. Hobbs^ 
 Harrington, 'Algernon Sidney , and Buchanan are 
 their only Prophets j tho' fome of them admit Ju- 
 lian Johnfon, Bimop Bur net 9 &c. * * * * amongft 
 the Minor es Prophets. The following Paragraph 
 may ferve for a Hint to thefe Gentlemen ; where 
 the Author fpsaking of the Sectaries, fays, (p.i 17.) 
 that be kntvj ;; Reafon why thofe who entertain Opi- 
 nions prejudicial to the Publick^ fiwuld be obliged to 
 change ^ or JJ)ould be obliged to conceal them. And as 
 it is Tyranny in any Government to reqtilre the frjl a 
 fo it is Wcakvefs not to enforce the feccnd : For a, 
 Alan may be allow* d to keep Poifons ,in his Clofet^ 
 but not to vend them about for Cordials. 
 
 What is faid of Gaming, is no lefs than Scanda- 
 lum Magnatum^ tc for many of our Nobility and 
 Gentry (as lie tells us, p. 118) fp'jnd great Part 
 of their Time this Way ; it often afredls their For- 
 tunes ; and mean ahd vicious People, by this Art, 
 arrive at great Riches, and keep the very Nobles in 
 Dependance, who being habituated, with fuch vile 
 Companions, fometipries, learn and practice this in- 
 famous Dexterity upon others." Any Man may be 
 convinc'd of this, who fteps but into ffShlte's,
 
 Gulliver Decypker'd. 107 
 
 where he will fee Numbers of thefe Wretches very 
 familiar with Men of Quality ; tho' he would fuf- 
 pe& them to have return'd from Tranfportaticr. : 
 The moft notorious amongft thefe, is an over- 
 grown gloomy- looking P'ellow, who flying from 
 Juftice in Scot/and, came barefoot to London^ where 
 "by Pimping, Cheating, Stock-jobbing, and fuch 
 thriving Employments, he has amafs'd a very great 
 Eftate, and is now a Companion to thofe who for- 
 merly would have been afham'd to entertain him 
 as their Footman ; and 'tis faid, he was not long 
 fmce conclemn'd for a Rape, but that a certain 
 great Man procur'd him a Pardon. From hence 
 our Author might have obferv'd, that few Errors 
 in Government are fo mifchievous to Society, as 
 Buffering fuch Mifcrcants to live with Impunity.. 
 
 So that he might have fpar'd his Recapitulation, 
 p. 119. where he fays, 
 
 " That Ignorance, Idlenefs end Vice, are fome- 
 times the only Ingredients for qualifying; a Legifia- 
 tor ; and that Laws are beft explain'd, &c. by 
 thofe, whofe Intereft and Abilities lie in perverting 
 them, &'c. That our Inftitution is wholly blotted 
 by Corruptions, &c. That it does not appear, that 
 any one Virtue is requir'd towards the Procurement 
 of any one Station among you, and much lefs, that 
 Men are ennobled on Account of it; that Prielis 
 are advanced for their Piety or Learning, Soldiers 
 for their Conduct or Valour, Judges for their In- 
 tegrity, Senators for the Love of their Country, or 
 Counfellors for their Wifdom." 
 
 Now fuppofmg all this to be true, fliould not the 
 Author have followed the Advice which Dionyjius 
 Halicarnajfeus (he tells us, p. 123.) gives to art 
 Hiftorian, where he fays, 1 would hide the Frailties 
 and Deformities of mj political Mother ', and place 
 
 her
 
 i o>8 Gulliver Decypber'd. 
 
 her Virtues and Beauties in the moft advantageous 
 Light. 
 
 The Surprize he makes his fiditious Kino; in, at 
 bis acquainting him with the Ufe of Gunpowder, 
 and his Reflations thereupon, muft be allow'd to 
 be admirable ; and he thence makes this Inference. 
 
 " A ilrange Effect of narrow Principles ^ and 
 flwrt Views ! That - a Prince, poffefs'd of every 
 Quality which procures Veneration, cffr. mould, 
 from a nice unneccjjary Scruple, whereof, in Eu- 
 ropt, we can have no Conception, let flip an Op- 
 portunity of -making himfelf abfolute Matter of his 
 People." 
 
 All Men muft agree with him, where he tells 
 us, p. 128. " that he is againft all Mylhry^ Re- 
 finement, or Intrigue, either in a Prince or a Mi- 
 nifter ; that he could not tell what is meant by 
 Secrets of Staie^ where an Enemy, or fome Rival 
 Nation are not in the Cafe: P. 129. And that 
 whoever -could make two Ears of Corn., or two 
 Blades -of Grafs, -to grow upon a .Spot of Ground, 
 where only one grew before, would deferve better 
 of Mankind, and do more effectual Service to hie 
 Country, than the whole Race of Politicians put 
 together." 
 
 Thefe, and feveral other Paflages in this Book, 
 difcovcr Abundance of the Spirit and good Senfe of 
 the Dean we are vindicating ; and we fhould be 
 apt to conclude them -to be his, were they not to 
 be found in the heft Greek Manufcript Copies of 
 this \Vork. Of the fame Species are the follow- 
 ing Particulars. 
 
 The Author fpeaking of the Laws, 3V . of thefe 
 People, fays, (Pag. 130.^-^- That their Laws 
 were explained in the moft plain and iimplj Terms, 
 wherein they were not mercurial enough to dii'covtj- 
 
 above
 
 Gulliver Decypher'd. 109 
 
 above 6ne Interpretation, &f<r. > (Pag. 132.^ That 
 
 fheir Stile is mafculine and fmooth, but not florid, 
 for they avoid nothing more than multiplying unne- 
 cefTury Words, or uling various Expreflions, &c. 
 
 (Pag. J 36-) That as to their Government, 
 
 they have been troubled with the fame Difeafe to 
 which fo many others are fubjecl: ; the Nobility of- 
 ten contending for Power , the People for Liberty , 
 and the Prince for abfolute Dominion. 
 
 Hitherto, Martin ft-ems to go on without much 
 Affiftance from his Friends of the Triumvirate^ and 
 now Dr. Johnny begins to make his Appearance, 
 giving us a Specimen of his Phyficks and Mathema- 
 ticks, whilft Peter levels his Talent at the Ladies. 
 
 We fhall fay nothing to the Account given us of 
 Gulliver's Arrival at a certain I/land in the Air, nor 
 his meeting with People as tall as Spire-Steep es, or 
 his converging with Horfts : The Narrative Part of 
 this not being, as we before obferved, in any au- 
 thentick MSS. nor agreeable to what we find in the 
 Life of Scriblerus ; for confidering the ridiculous 
 Abfurdity of thefe Travels, they can, at beft, be 
 tlefigned only for a Satire upon thofe Writers that af- 
 fecl: the marvellous and improbable, and upon the 
 wild and monftrous Relations of Travellers; as Don 
 ^tiixete was written to expo'fe Knight-Errantry ,and 
 
 a famous Tale to ridicule Religion! It is 
 
 fuppofed to be with the fame View, that a certain 
 Orator reads Lectures in Divinity, and compiles Li- 
 turgies : For his Friend the Terra FiUus^ lately af- 
 fured us, That the Performance at the Oratory was 
 an admirable Burlefquc. upon Preaching and Praying^ 
 for xvhich Reafon he o'efigns it a Panegyrick in his 
 next Edition. 
 
 And this puts me in Mind of an odd Obfervaticn 
 
 made by an old Fellow in a Coffee-houfe ;- 
 
 What
 
 no Gulliver Decipher' d. 
 
 <* What the D 1, fays he, ( throwing down 
 
 the Papers) have Religion and the Bear-Garden to 
 do together ? Why the Rafcal tells us (taking up the 
 Papers) at Figg's Amphitheatre,- The Academi- 
 cal Letture will be upon Job, &c. Hold, hold, 
 
 1 miftake a Line or Two, but fee how luc- 
 kily Things hit, for certainly, Gentlemen, (conti- 
 nues he) you muff all&iy, that thefe AdvertifeineKts 
 are very judicioujly placed, being admirable Specimens 
 of the T'ryals of Skill in Oxford-Road and Newport- 
 iMarket, 
 
 If our Judgment of Books was to be determurd 
 by their Succefs, Gulliver's Travels is certainly the 
 beft Piece that ever was written, except Pilgrim's 
 Progrejs, the Seven Champions , "Jack the Giant- killer , 
 and a few more ; For it is very remarkable, that 
 there have been fevenil Thoufands fold in a Week ; 
 and it is already tranflated into the French Language, 
 in which, we are to d, Rolinfon Crtifoe has been ve- 
 ry fuccefstul. But 'tis well known, that Milton 
 went oft", at firft, very flowly ; that Dean Prideaux 
 could hardly get a Purchafer for his Connexion, &c. 
 and that a famous Printer was lately undone by the 
 Bible. 
 
 The Reafon of this is, that there are more Fools 
 than People of Judgment in the World ; therefore 
 a famous Poet was certainly in die right, when giv- 
 ing an Account why his What-d'y' - call it was 
 
 hiffjd off the Stage, D n tbetn^ faid he, 
 
 they have not Wit enough to take it j for really t'ie 
 Farce was allowed to be a very uncommon Perfor- 
 mance. 
 
 It is generally thought, by the beft Criticks and 
 Commentators, that the Triumvirate, Martin, Pe- 
 ter, and 'Johnny, took a Hint from fomething of this 
 Nature, and fo adapted their Work to the Under- 
 
 ftanding
 
 Gulliver Decypher j d. in 
 
 landing and Capacity of their courteous Readers; 
 and the Difcerning of the prefent Age conjecture, 
 that the Compilers from it have calculated their Ad- 
 ditions and Improvements to the Meridian of modern 
 Wits. But we would be glad to know whether 
 
 H re or B< : / y have given it the 
 
 reading. 
 
 If this Book were to be decypher'd merely from a 
 View of it, without any Hints or fecret Hiflory, this 
 would be a very natural Concluficn : \\ e {hould be 
 apt to fancy it the Production of two or three Per- 
 fons, who want neither Wit nor Humour ; but who 
 are very full ofthemfelves, and hold the reft of Man- 
 kind in great Contempt ; who think fufHcient Regard 
 is not paid to their Merit by thofe in Pciuer^ for 
 which Reafon they rail at them ; who have written 
 fome Pieces with Succefs and Applaufe, and there- 
 fore prefume, that whatever comes from them muft 
 be implicitly receiv'd by the Pubiick. In this laft 
 Particular, they are certainly right, for the fuperficial. 
 People of the Town, who have no Judgment of their 
 own, are prefently amufed by a great Name ; tell 
 them, by way of a Secret, that fuch a Thing is Dr. 
 Swift's, Mr. Pope's, or any other Perfons, of Note 
 and Genius, and immediately it flies about like Wild- 
 fire : But one of thefe Gentlemen himfelf can tell 
 you, that his admirable Ejfay upon Criticifm lay 
 upon the Bookfeller's Hands for fome Time : And 
 theReafons for this are very obvious. 
 
 The Generality of the World sre by no Means 
 blefs'd with that Talent of Mind, or Exaftnefs of 
 "Judgment^ which is n-?ceflary to qualify a Man to pafs 
 a juft Sentence upon every Thing that offers itfelf to 
 the Understanding. Many a gaping Fellow is enter- 
 tained with the Wit of Jack Pudding in Smitkfield^ 
 who would, receive no Satisfaction from Mr. Bsctk's 
 
 Propriety
 
 1 1 2 Gulliver Decypbef'd. 
 
 Propriety of A&ion, or the Juftnefs of Speech ri 
 Mrs._.or/<r: And we have known feveral fine young 
 Girls read Cnifoe with Delight, who could not re- 
 lUh Sidney's. Arcadia. 
 
 It mfcft be allowed an extraordinary Piece of Con- 
 defcenfion in great Men, to (loop to the Capacities 
 of the vu'gar, and to favour us with a Layer of the 
 Utile & D! Ice together; but a Man who might plead 
 
 the Excufi of Youth in 96, when taxed with 
 
 trifling^ taking a Liberty ivfth his Pen^ &c. can have 
 v.ery little to fay Thirty Years afterwards, .for what 
 Jllfuits with maturer fears, and a graver Character. 
 Such youthful Sallies in an old Fellow, mujl needs dc- 
 ferve a Rebuke from the grave and wife ; tho'. they 
 may have been formerly delighted v. ; ,th his Wit and 
 Humour. 
 
 But nothing is more intolerable, than that Superi- 
 ority which fomc great Genii aflume over Mankind ; 
 who are not afliamed to tell us, that the Excellency 
 of their Performances is rnaniffjl from the Reception 
 they meet with ; and that thofe who approve them are a 
 great Majority among the Men of Tajie. This, by a 
 natural Concatenation of Thoughts, brings into my 
 Memory, what is fomcwhere related of the celebrated 
 Sir JVilUam Temple^ of whom * Bifhop Burnet jjivc-s 
 us this Cliarater. " He was a vain Man, (fays the. 
 Prelate) much blown up with Conceit, which he: 
 
 fhew'd too indecently upon all Occafions. He 
 
 had a true Judgment in Affairs, and very good 
 Principles in relation to Government ; but in what 
 related to Religion, he was very corrupt himfclf, 
 and endeavoured to infect all that came near him. 
 He was a great Admirer of the Seel; of Confujies in 
 China, who were Atheijts themfelves, but left Re- 
 ligion to the Rabtjp. That all Things were as they , 
 
 are 
 
 * See Sir Willi<m Templet Cbarafler in Bifiop Bur- 
 net'i Hijlory of his own Times,
 
 Decypher'& 113 
 
 nre how, front Eternity, was one of his darling No- 
 tions ; and his Practice was accordingly, Eafe and 
 Luxury and ftudied Pleafure." We (hall not make 
 any Application of this Character ; however it may 
 fuit fome of the Admirers of this mighty Man al- 
 moft in every particular Circumftance. But proceed 
 
 to our Story > which was this. ' Sir William 
 
 Temple, and the famous Lord Brumpker, being 
 Neighbours in the Country had frequently very fharp 
 Contentions ; like other great Men, one could not 
 bear an Equal, and the other would not admit of a 
 Superior. My Lord was a great Admirer of Curio- 
 fities, and had a very good Collection, which Sir 
 William ufed to undervalue upon all Occafkms; dif- 
 paraging every Thing of his Neighbour's, and giv- 
 ing fomething of his own the Preference. This, by 
 no Meansj pleafed his Lordmip^ who took all Op- 
 portunities of being revenged. One Day, as they 
 were difcourfing together^ of their feveral Rarities, 
 my Lord, very ferioufly and gravely replied to hiirij 
 
 ' Sir William^ May no more of the Matter j 
 
 you muft, at length yield to me, > I having lately 
 got fomething which it is impoffible for you to ob- 
 tain : 'For Sir, fays his Lordfhip, fmiling, * 
 
 my Welch Steward has fent me a Flock of Geefe, 
 and thofe are what you can never have } fmce all 
 your Geefe are Swans." 
 
 VOL. I. ft Critical
 
 REMARKS 
 
 O N 
 
 Capt. GULLIVER'S Travels. 
 
 Publifhed from the AUTHOR'S Original MSS, 
 
 Ytbalonim J^ualonytb Jt cboratbijima 
 Cbym Lacbcbunyth mumys Thyalmiftibari Imyfcbi. 
 
 PLAU.
 
 
 

 
 T O T H E 
 
 RIGHT HONOURABLE 
 Thomas Marlay, Efq; 
 
 Lord Chief Baron of the Court of Exchequer 
 in Ireland^ and one of His Majefty's moft 
 Honourable Privy-Council. 
 
 My Lord, 
 
 THE following Jhort Treatife is particular- 
 ly de/igned for thofe, who are Maflers of 
 Claflical Learning^ and perfectly acquaint- 
 .ed-with the Beauties of the antient Authors. 
 To a Per fan thus qualified I had a Dejire to in- 
 fcribe it ; and, after the ftricleft Enquiry >, jcomnwn 
 Fame hath directed me to you. 
 
 I do not pretend to have the Felicity of your Friend* 
 /hip) nor can 1 hope to merit it by this Performance ; 
 and contrary to the received Maxim of all Dedicators, 
 I will freely confeft, that if any other Perfon might 
 be found) whofe Virtues were as univerfally owned or 
 ejleemed^ or of whofe Learning and polite T.ajle the 
 World conceived fo high an Opinion^ your Lord/hip 
 would probably have efcaped this impertinent dpplica- 
 ) from, my Lord y 
 
 Your Lordfhip's 
 moft Obedient, and 
 
 moft Humble Servant, 
 
 R. B,
 
 The NAMES of AUTHORS, 
 
 Whofe WORKS are cited, and illuftrated ia 
 the following ESS AY, 
 
 Homer. 
 
 Plautus. 
 
 Oppian. 
 
 Lucretius. 
 
 Dion. Cajffius. 
 
 A. Gellins* 
 
 Q Calaber. 
 
 Suetonius. 
 
 Eujlatkius. 
 
 /Elius Spartianus. 
 
 Didymus. 
 
 Jul. Capitolinus. 
 
 Spondanus. 
 
 Angel. PolitianuS) 
 
 Clem. Alexandrimus, 
 
 Pliny. 
 
 IfocraUs. 
 
 Ptolemy Georg. 
 
 Strabo. 
 
 Solinus Polyki/lor. 
 
 Plutarch. 
 
 Servius* 
 
 Aphricanui. 
 
 Chaucer. 
 
 Horace. 
 
 Pope. 
 
 Krgil. 
 
 
 - 
 
 Juvenal. 
 
 Malinjbury. 
 
 Aufonius. 
 
 Randulpbus. 
 
 Statius. 
 
 S. Dunelm. 
 
 Alexander ab Alex. 
 
 Rapin. 
 
 Gtn. Di<r. 
 
 
 
 CRITICAL
 
 CRITICAL 
 
 REMARKS 
 
 ON 
 
 GULLIVER'S Travels, &c. 
 
 TH E Travels of Capt. Gulliver have been 
 fo much the Amufements of both Sexes 
 for fome Years paft, that I need not ac- 
 quaint the Reader, either with the Charac- 
 ter of the Author , or his Book. However, I can- 
 not forbear giving my Opinion of that Performance, 
 and I mail endeavour to do it with all poffible Can- 
 dour and Concifenefs. 
 
 Critcifm, altho' fo much decryed by the Un- 
 learned, and fo injudicioufly managed by fome 
 Writers, is an Art of infinite Advantage ; becaufe 
 it directs the Judgments of thofe who might other-, 
 wife be mifled, as well to difrelHh Couipofitions 
 which merit our Efteem, as to approve of thofe, 
 which are only worthy of our Contempt. 
 
 The Antients, have received new Beauties from 
 their Commentators, as Diamonds, rough from the 
 Mine derive new Luftre from the poliftiing. 
 
 H 4 Horace
 
 T20 Critical Remarks 
 
 Horace among the Romans, and Milton 
 among the Poets of our own Nation, are held in; 
 juft Honour : But, I believe, each of thofe eminent 
 Authors, owe many of the Beauties, difcernable in 
 the prefent Editions of their Works, to the Labour 
 and Learning of their Modern Publiftiers. Thofe 
 Errors, which arofe either from the Ignorance of 
 Copyifts, or the Conceit of Interpolators , or the 
 Negligence of Printers, would be handed down to 
 Pqfterity 55 a Reproach to the Gtnius of thofe great 
 Men, If they had not been detected by judicious 
 Critics, and accurately reftored by their unwearied 
 Application. 
 
 This may fuffice as an Apology for my prefent 
 Undertaking. I am far from denying Capt. Gul- 
 liver his allowed Merit, or envying him that un,- 
 common Applaufe, which I muft own he hath de- 
 fervedly obtained : 
 
 f ... . neque Ego Illi detrahcre aujim 
 
 Kccrentem capiti muka cum laude. Coronam.] 
 
 HOR. Sat. 
 
 [Nor dare I from his facred Temples tear 
 The Laurel, which he beft deferves to wear.] 
 
 ROCH, 
 
 Yet, I think the World ought to be acquainted 
 with fome Particulars, which, as yet, have efcaped 
 the general Cbfervation, and, may be a means {o 
 inftruct us, how to form a more equitable Judg- 
 ruent, of the Merits and Defects of that Work. 
 
 I had Thoughts of publifhing my Remarks on the 
 Beauties and Btemifhes of it, foon after it's Appear-, 
 ance : But, the Town was then fo univerfally pre- 
 judiced in it's Favour, that I perceived it would be 
 impoflible to prevail with the Public to alter it's 
 Opinion. 
 
 An
 
 on Gulliver's Travels, &c. i 2 1 
 
 An agreeable new Book, is received and treated 
 like an agreeable young Bride: Men are unable to 
 difcern, and even unwilling to be told of thofe 
 Faults in either, which are obvious enough after a 
 more intimate Acquaintance. So that, I may at 
 prefent hope for more Attention to what I fhall pro- 
 pofe, than I could reafonably have expe&ed in it's 
 firft Succefs. 
 
 In a late Edition of Gulliver, printed by Subfcrip- 
 tion in Dublin, I obferve an additional Letter from 
 the Captain to his Friend Mr. Symffon, which was 
 never before publifned. 
 
 He there complains of the various Cenfures pafled 
 upon his Travels, and particularly of that Part, 
 which treats of his Voyage to the Cour.try of the 
 Houyhnhms. That Nation which he defcribes as the 
 Seat of Virtue, and it's Inhabitants, as Models 
 to all the World for Jujlice, Truth, Cleanlinejs, 
 Temperance, znd.IPlfdom, are (he fays) reputed, no 
 better than meer Fictions of his own Brain ; and 
 the Houybnbms or Taboos deemed to have no more 
 Exiftence than the Inhabitants of Utopia. 
 
 I readily own, that if we were to judge of the 
 Manners of remote Countries, by the Conduit ei- 
 ther of our neighbouring Nations or our own j it 
 might feem fomewhat incredible, that Virtue could 
 have any Kind of Erreem or Intereft in any Part of 
 the World. And therefore a Nation wholly influen^ 
 ced by Truth and Honour, might as juftly fcem a 
 Prodigy to us, as the Speech and Policy of the 
 Natives of Houyknhm Land. Arid fo far it might 
 appear an imaginary Kingdom, rather than a real 
 pne. 
 
 But, as I think a good Author's Veracity ought 
 not unjuftly to be queftioned, which might hinder 
 all gogd Effect from his Writings ; and, as I am en- 
 tirely
 
 322 Critical Remarks on 
 
 tirely unconcerned whether the Captain's Reputation. 
 might be more advanced, by it's paffing for a Fic- 
 tion, than for a Faff ; I (hall undertake to convince 
 the Learned, by fufficient Evidence, that fuch a 
 Nation as he calls the Houybnhms, was perfectly 
 known by the Anrients: That the Fame of their 
 private and public Virtues was fpread through A- 
 tbens, Italy , and Britain j and that the wifeft Poets 
 and Hitforians of thofe Nations have left us ample 
 Authorities tofupport this Opinion. 
 
 The firft Author I {hall cite is Chaucer - t a Poet 
 of our own Nation, who was well read in the an- 
 tient Geography, and is allowed by z\\ Critics to 
 have been a Man of univerfal Learning, as well as 
 of inimitable Wit and Humour. 
 
 The Paflage is literally thus, as I tranfcribed it 
 from a very fair antient Copy, in the Bodleian 
 Library, and compared it with other Editions, in 
 the Libraries of St James's, my Lord Oxford, and 
 Lord -Sunderland. 
 
 [i] ffiectea <&. 3loT>n] [2] 
 3T$ct [3] toucf>etrt>e ot" t!je [4] Stcfcca countrgr, 
 ts] 'J t5e, as tJjHl&e olH [,6J cto 
 [7] g longe afore our [8J cjgflfn 
 '&5(t [9] ben, as i'e.ftiuIIimlJEr 
 Qr: fie] uif, [ii] i;clfpeU [12] ^outfiir'o lonftc, 
 CE&'-T, D3] n '^- 1 1 ^-] : [ J 5] Hampni-noc [16] 
 ^ r i [*:] LtJ?crc fjotte, in [18] fcainftea fii^e ; 
 
 tt 
 
 L'l Certainly, '[2] Do not. [3] Concerning [4] 
 Series. [5] Read. [6] Chronicle. [7] Long before. 
 I r 8] |L'hriftian. [9] There was. [10] Ifland. [u] 
 ^ -ailed. [iz]Hprfes. [13] There is not. [14] Any, 
 f "i ] Damns ble. 1 6 Covetoufnel's. [ 1 7] Nor lead 
 ; Won . [ 1 8] Pretending Sanft ity . 
 
 [19] Silly
 
 Gulliver's Travels, &c. 123 
 
 Je, [19] feel? Squire, [20] igcfce [*i] bjototijttj STpe, 
 S23&0 ma&en [22] <8<rtitie0 [23] bo&e a [24] 3!ap* ; 
 /2e [25] HemmanuEle, mifljanBtjmBe jJoutlje, 
 jTSe toomen, [26] brutcll tnare in fotbe ; 
 f9e JFlamcr, Ji9e [27] unlmrett lerfee, 
 22^1)0 [29] ricf)en ltn, toitfcouten [30] tofr&e j 
 JFoj aiceiu t|>oucl}t t ne [31] al0 in [3i]lcte 
 Silas netoet none in HonBe of [33] tetie 
 
 CHAUCER. 
 
 From this remarkable Paflage, it is evident, that 
 the Nation of the Houybnbms was commonly known 
 to the antient Inhabitants of this Ifland, by theName 
 of Stedlonde^ or Steedland. And that their Man- 
 ners, which are indeed more copioufly treated of by 
 the Traveller, are yet defcribed with great Strength 
 and Beauty by the Poet. 
 
 It will be urged, perhaps, that Chaucer might 
 have intended thofe Lines as a Defcription of fome 
 European Nation. To which I mall only anfwer ; 
 that, Hiftory affords us too large a Detail of the 
 Vices and Corruptions of other Countries, to leave 
 us the leaft Room to app.'y it to any Kingdom 
 abroad y and, I believe, upon Enquiry, it will ap- 
 pear full as unapplicable to our own. 
 
 But to proceed. Among the moft celebrated 
 Writers of antient Rome, we find that the Hony- 
 hnhms were held in the higheft Efteem and Venera- 
 tion, both for their Wifdom and their Virtue, and 
 pf this Suetonius gives us a convincing Inftance. 
 
 From the Time of dugujlus C&far, Rome was 
 
 evidently 
 
 [19] Silly. [20] Like. [21] Embroidered [22] [23] The 
 Bible. [24] A Jeft. [25] Harlot. [26] Brittle 
 
 Ware. [27] Truly. ' [28] Illiterate Paribn. 
 
 [29] Enriching himfclf. [30] Labour. (jiJElfe. 
 [32] Deed or A&ion. [33] Stede Land, or Houyhnhm
 
 Critical Reworks 6tt 
 
 evidently in a declining Condition. The Number 
 .of her Patriots was very fmall, and the Wifdom of 
 her Senate extreamly decreafed. Her Confuls were 
 more remarkable for Intemperance, Oppreffion, and 
 Avarice, than for military Virtue abroad, or an-ex- 
 aci Diftributbn of Juftice at home. 
 
 In this critical Emergency there happened to be a 
 Houyhnhm rcfldent at Rome, I fuppofe as an Ambaf- 
 Jadjr ; for the Hiftorian tells us, that he had a 
 *Marble Stable, built by the Emperor, which was 
 elegantly furnifhed with an Ivory Manger, and eve- 
 ry thing fplendid or magnificent: That his Robes 
 were ot .the ficheft Purple, that he had a particular 
 Houfhold and Retinue, maintained at the Emperor's 
 Eocpence, as the Indian Kings and AmbafTadors have 
 ivith us. 
 
 Out of a moft unufual Deference therefore, to the 
 fuperior Abilities of this noble Houyknhm, he was 
 nominated to the Oonfulfhip : Becaufe, by his Con- 
 du, Advice, and Example, it was expected, that 
 tlae MHcieiijt Glory of Rotne would be revived, and 
 that he would make her once more the Mijlrefs of 
 the World. 
 
 Nor can I difcovej- from the \Annak of thofe 
 Times, that even the beft Roman Taboos (Confuls 
 I mean ) had for many Generations ma!e an equal 
 Figure in that high Employment, or difcharged it 
 with half fo little Imputation of Avarice, fr ; u/fice t 
 Qpprejjlon, Infolence, or Tyranny. How fai our mo- 
 dern Magiftrates, and Middlesex Jujiices might be 
 profited by fuch an Example, may be a Subject wor- 
 thy 
 
 * Equile marmoreum, &praefepe eburneum, & purpurea 
 tegumenta, ac monile e gemmis.domum etiam, &familiam, 
 & fupt-lleftilem dedjt, quo lautius nomine, ejus invitati, 
 ac ip~rcntur.SuefOK.Ca/.Sef.$z.&iiid.Dio.Ca/, inCaligul. 
 
 t Vide Ann. iul.Cafp. SI. Jiarch. Cap. 17. 8cc. 84.
 
 Gulliver'* Travels, &c. 
 
 thy of our Speculation ; but that being a little fo- 
 reign to my prefent Purpofe, I muft decline it. 
 
 Galigula,as we are told by D/0.C<7^/wj,frequently 
 invited this Confular Houyhnhm, (whofe real Narrte 
 was Lunbuyhnhay, but in Latin Incitatus) to * Sup- 
 per, and treated him with more Ceremony and Ve- 
 neration than he did the nobleft Families of Rome. 
 He had Oats ferved up in Gold'Plate, and Wine int 
 Golden Vefiels ; and the King himfelf fwore, by HO 
 greater Oath than the Health and Fortune of that 
 Honourable Creature ; which was as high a Degree 
 of Refpeft as he could pay even to the Father of the 
 Gods. 
 
 It is to be wondered at, indeed, that Caligula 
 profited fo little by thofe inftru&ive Conferences 
 which he held fo often with that wife JmbaJ/ador ; 
 but, we all experimentally know, that nothing is 
 fo difficult as to mend a bad Nature; and it is de- 
 monftrated in the Conduct of Nero, who imbibed 
 but little Morality and Virtue, from the Wifxlom of 
 his Preceptor Seneca. 
 
 The fame fHiftorian, whofe Writings are of un- 
 queftionable Authority among the learned, tells us 
 further, that Caligula aflumed the Title of High- 
 PrUj% I of Jupiter , and having chofe fome of the 
 weakhieft Families in his Kingdom to officiate at the 
 Altar r he conftituted a Houybnbm to be his Colleague 
 
 , ITT* 
 
 ? -ZB-a^a^XE, xcu oTo l ^vcoTy 
 Xeph. D. Caff. Edit, a R. StepK. 
 pag..i 2 6. 
 
 Caneret in Stabulo aflidue, & Maneret. Suetort. 
 
 f D. Caffius, in Vit. Calig. 
 
 || AaXw T avrot o.o[A.d(rct<;, a^Xoi? Ts r>acrwTTOK 
 iffia? ro^oo-eOtlo, x.ct.1 ctvTOf tavru e^Ta, TO> tt "liriro* 
 D. Caff. Edit, a R. Steph. p. 133.
 
 126 Critical Remarks on 
 
 in the Priefthood^ as well as to aflift him in that Sta- 
 tion, as to excite a greater Degree of Veneration ta 
 the Office, by the known Merit and Excellence of 
 this Partner. 
 
 In Imitation of this memorable Action, it hath 
 been attempted in fome Nations, to introduce Ajffes^ 
 into Offices of a like Nature ; and, indeed, with 
 tolerable Succefs and Advantage, to thofe worthlefs 
 Animals ; altho' not extreamly to the Reputation of 
 the Contrivers. But> it is the peculiar Felicity of 
 this Nation, that fuch an Experiment was never 
 known to be made among us, by the Directors of 
 the Prieftbood. 
 
 Our next Teftimonies are from the Writings of 
 the divine VirgiL 
 
 That ceiebrated Poet having beautifully defcribed 
 the funeral Pomp, which attended the Body of Pal- 
 lasj the Son of Evander? who was killed by Turnup 
 introduces a Houyhnbm as chief * Mourner : And to 
 raife the Character of this generous Creature, who 
 it may be fuppofed was the favourite Companion of 
 the deceafed Hero, the Behaviour of Acaetes, is paint- 
 ed by Way of Contraft. 
 
 The Man is reprefented as -\led forcibly along, but 
 t he Houybnhm walks lonely and difconfolate* with a 
 Gait expreffing a folemn, but a noble Concern : 
 Pofitis infignibus, it Lachrymans. The Man t by 
 Turns beats his Breaft, disfigures his Face with his 
 Nails, and proftrates his Body on the Earth ; Pec- 
 
 tora 
 
 * Poft, Bellator .E?K.f * pofitis infigmbus, 
 
 // Lachrymans, Guttifque hume&at grand ibus era. 
 
 Virg. Mn. XI. lin. "89,' 
 f Ducitur infelix, aevo confe&us Accetes, 
 
 Pe^lora nunc fcedans pugnis, nunc unguibus ora : 
 Sternitur, & toto proiedus corpore terra; 
 
 Virg. &n. XI. Im. 85
 
 Gullivcr'Jf Travels, &c. 127 
 
 iira mine foedans pugnis^ &c. While the Houyhnbm. 
 preferves a becoming Dignity and Majefty in Grief. 
 The large Drops roll filently down his Cheeks, but 
 he is guilty of no extravagant Signs of Sorrow, know- 
 ing them to be as unprofitable to the Dead^ as un- 
 worthy of the Living. 
 
 The learned Servius, on this Paflage, obferves 
 the judicious Conduct of the Poet^ in this particular, 
 who, by applying the Word * Ducere to Accctes^ 
 and Ire to the Houybnbm^ manifeftly exaltsthe Cha- 
 racter of the Horfe, at the Expence of that of the 
 old Warrior. 
 
 This inimitable f Author in the Sixth JEneid, gives 
 us ftill a ftronger Evidence of the Virtue and Piety 
 of the Hottyhnbms, by allowing them a Place even in 
 }J Elyfium^ among the Souls of illuftrious Men. Nay 
 he feems to hint, that the moft perfect Degree of 
 Happinefs, and the moft honourable Employment 
 of the Heroes in Elyfium was, the being a Kind of 
 Attendants or % Grooms to the nobler Houybnbms- 
 ffocrates aflerts, that to ferve and wait on the Houy- 
 bnhymS} is the moft pleafmg Office in this World j 
 no wonder therefore that the Poet mould defcribe it 
 as the fupremeft Felicity in others. 
 
 Nor 
 
 * Eqwts Lachrymabat,, Bcfpoafe fequebatur 
 Cadaver : & bene, cum hominis fit Jre, equi, 
 Ducere, Poeta elegantiffime hominem dud 
 Ait, de equo, it Lachrymans. 
 
 Serv. adlitt. 8c. 
 f Virgil. 
 
 | " Paffimque foluti 
 
 Per campos pafcuntur Equi. Lin. 652. > 
 J Cura, nitentes 
 
 Pafcere equos,'- fequitur tcllure repoftos. 
 
 Mn. VI. Lin. 654, 
 *' 
 
 Jfoc. trsl f
 
 1 2 8 Critical Remarks on 
 
 Nor was this a fingular Opinion of that Author j 
 for, Jiufomus the Poet, Praeceptor to the Emperor 
 Gratian, affirms it to be an univerfal Belief, tha( 
 the Souls of Houybnbms were never denied Admit- 
 tance into Elyjium among the Heroes and Philofo- 
 phers ; which was much more than they believed, 
 or had Reafon to believe of their own Species. And 
 this is manifeft from an * Epitaph, wrote by this 
 great Poet, on a Houyhnhm ; who, while he lived, 
 preferved the higheft PJace in the Efteem of the Em- 
 peror, and it is placed by Aufonius among his Epi- 
 taphs of the Heroes. 
 
 Go, and be blefs^d -where endlefs Rapture reigns, 
 With Steeds immortal on Elyfian Plains. 
 
 It is no eafy Matter to difcover, whence Houy- 
 bnhm Nation derive their Original. 
 
 'Statius, in his \Tbebais, feems to be in fome Diffi- 
 culty how to determine it. He mentions two of 
 eminent Birth : \Arion, whom he calls the Son or* 
 Neptune ; and \\Chromh, who is diftinguifhed as the 
 Son of Hercules, and acknowledged to pofTefs the 
 vyhole ** Strength, Virtue, and Courage of his 
 Father. However, in my Opinion, he feems to 
 give the Preference to the firft, although, without 
 the leaft Appearance of being pofitive. Nor can I 
 
 find 
 
 r , - r r 1 , - 
 
 folatia fume fepulchr, 
 
 Et gradere E/yjios, prsepes ad A 
 f Lib. VI. 
 
 }| -- Neptunus (& certa prior um fama) Pater,. 
 Stat. Theb. Lib. VI. 
 
 |]| Cbromis, fatusHercule magno. Stat. i&id. 
 
 ** --- infignis 
 
 Viribus Herculeis, Sc tolo robore Patrit.
 
 Gulliver V Travels, 6cc. 129 
 
 find, that even Capt. Gnllher himfelf who. had cer- 
 tainly the beft Opportunity to make the Enquiry, 
 hath furniflied us with any Authority to afcertain it. 
 A Lofs that can never be fufficiently lamented ! 
 
 Lucretius, an ancient Poet of great Fame, repre- 
 feivts the Hauyhnbms, of fo excellent a Nature, as 
 to be infpired with the moft tender Paflions, and 
 wounded with the fame irrefiftible * Darts of Cupid 
 as ourfelves, which Defcription would appear abfurd 
 and unapplicable, if thofe Creatures were not as ad- 
 mirably qualified as the modern Traveller affirms 
 them to be. 
 
 Befides, he compliments them for their Under* 
 Jlanding, and honours a Colt, which I fuppofe he fa- 
 miliarly converfed with, and found of a promifmg 
 Genius, with the Title of f Learned. The Beauty 
 of this Author's Epithets, are what diftinguim and 
 recommend his Compoiitions : Nor can we juftly 
 imagine him capable of fo great an Indifcretion, as 
 to afcribe Learning to Creatures, who had not the 
 leaft Pretenfion to it j although that may be a pre- 
 vailing Cuftom with modern Authors, of all other 
 European Kingdoms, as well as our own. 
 
 Yet, left any thing mould be wanting to juftify the 
 Poet's Expreflion, or ftrengthen his Authority. || So- 
 linus Polybijlor declares, that the Houyhnhms have 
 both Discretion and "Judgment. And with this the 
 Teftimony of \Pliny agrees j that the Wifdom, and 
 
 VOL. I. I Art 
 
 -Equus fiorenti aetate Juvencus 
 
 Pinnigeri fasvit calcaribus idus amoris. 
 
 Luc. Lib. V.Lin. 1074, 
 Doftus equa: Pullus. 
 
 Luc. Lib. III. Lin. 764. 
 Equis ineffe difcretionem & judicium conftat. 
 
 , Cap. 47. Edit. H. btcph. in Not. 
 . Artes horoinHm ab' Eauis vidas. 
 
 Plin. Lib. VIII. Cap. 42 ,
 
 130 Critical Remarks e;z 
 
 Art of human Creatures, are far furpaffed by the 
 *inexpreflible Capacity of the Hokyhnbmr. 
 
 I have Rcafon to imagine, that they were not oh- 
 ly qualified to excel, but that they actually excelled 
 in all Arts and Sciences. For, what can feem fo en- 
 tirely unadapted for Dancing as the Houyhnkms na- 
 tural Form, and the Difpuikion of their Limbs ? 
 And yet f Angelas Politianns cites a PafTage from 
 \Apbricanas, which intimates, that they were ab- 
 folute Maftcrs of that Art. The Sybarites (faith he) 
 ufed to introduce Honyhnhms at their moft fplendid 
 Entertainments, who, to the Sound of an Inftru- 
 ment, would raife themfelv;s erect, and dance in a 
 moft graceful Manner, moving their Forefeet with 
 the poii,eft Gelhire, obferving exactly the Time of 
 the Muiic, and fuiting the Motions of their Body to 
 all the Variety of the Notes. 
 
 France, having little eife to boaft of, may Glory 
 in the Activity of her Natives ; yet, even in that 
 Particular, we fee, Horfes have arrived at as great a 
 Periodic!!. 
 
 It nuift have been for feme very extraordinary 
 Merit, that the Hcuvbnbms were treated with fuch 
 remarkable Honours by all the Monarchs of the 
 Jcnown World. Athens, a King of Scytbla, con- 
 tracted fo intimate a Friendfhip with one, that he 
 permitted J no Hand but his own to drefs and adorn 
 jiim. A noble HouykribMi who lived in the Court 
 
 of 
 
 * Equorum inenarrabilia/^fw//t.P/;. Lib. VIII. 0.42. 
 
 f In Lib. IvJifcellan. 
 
 || Sybantse, Equos in convivia intreduxere, qui, audi;o 
 Tibia: Caniu, ftatim fe tollerent arreftos, & pedibus ipfis 
 prioribus, vice manuum, geftus quofdam Chironorniac, 
 jr.otiifque ederent ad numerum Saltatorios. Afhr. inCeflis. 
 
 J Atheas Rex bc/thsrtim, equ.ni iple pexuit, & mani- 
 busfuis ornavit. Alex, ab Alex. Lib. VJ.Cap. 8.
 
 Gulliver'* Travels, &c. -151 
 
 of the Emperor Verus, (but in what Station, indeed 
 I cannot pofitively affirm) * was feu with Raifins 
 dried in the Sun, inftead of Oats : And happening 
 to die in Rome, he was interred in the Vatican with 
 great Solemnity. To another, Adrian erected a 
 Monument in Form of a f Pillar,on which he caufed 
 an Infcription and Epitaph to be engraved. 
 
 Another, was refident in Rome in the Time of y- 
 lius Ctefar, whofe Hoofs were of a very uncommon 
 Form I!, refembling the Toes of a human Foot. He 
 was thought to be of fo much Confcquence at thar 
 Time, that the E ntyire of the -whole World depended 
 upon him. 
 
 Univerfal Dominion being promifed to him, who 
 fhould be Matter of that Houyhnhm's Perfon, Gtefar 
 took Care never to part from him, and the Succefs 
 anfvvered the Prediction. 
 
 It may be objected, perhaps, that he acted un- 
 worthily when he permitted Cuefer to ride him : I 
 will not pretend entirely to juftify his Conduct ; but, 
 what he did, was no more than what Rome herfelf, 
 and ail the World belide, fubmitted to, as well as 
 the Houynhnhm. 
 
 I cannot leave this Subject without taking Notice 
 
 I 2 of 
 
 * Equo p.iflas uvas, & nucleos, in vicem hordei, in prae- 
 fepe ponebat, cui mortuo fepulchrum in Vaticano fecit. 
 
 Jut. Lapit. in Vit. Veri. 
 f" 
 
 fJ~'!0'E * iTny^afx^ux'la tTTiy^^/tv. 
 
 D. Co/. Xl}h. Edit, a R. Steph. pag. 247. 
 Vide etum, ^lius Spart. in Vit, Adriani. Et Alex, ab 
 Alex. 
 
 || Utebatur Equo Injigni, pcdibus prope humaais, & in 
 morem digicorum fiflis ungulis. Cum Harufpice Imperium 
 Orbii terrae Domino pronuntiaflt lit, magna cura aluic, riec 
 pttientem Sefforis alterius piiwts afcenJit 
 
 Sutt. in Jul. Sec. 6u
 
 J34 Critical Remarks on 
 
 of a Story related by Aulus Gellius ; becaufe I think 
 it both very pertinent to our prefent Subject, and 
 worthy of the Obfervation of the Curious. 
 
 Bucephalus, who was cartainly a captive Hcuv- 
 hnhm, * brought into Macedw, would, permit no 
 Perfon to mount him but Alexander. Whom how- 
 ever he condefcended to cany, more as his Compa- 
 nion than his Mujltr. His martial Spirit, and gene- 
 rous Friendfhip were fhewn upon many Occasions, 
 but they were finalized in this one. 
 
 When Alexander was engaged againil Porus, and 
 too warm in the Purfuit of Victory, the noble 
 Houyhnhm, confcious of the Danger of his Friend 
 (for I could not with any ClaJJtcal Propriety, call 
 him his Majhr) and f half expiring with the 
 Wounds he had received, rufhed impetuoufly thro' 
 the thickeft Ranks of the Enemy, conveyed his 
 Friend beyond the Reach of the Arrows, and then 
 expired with all the Pleafure and Conftancy of ,a 
 Hero. In honour of which generous Behaviour, and 
 to perpetuate the Memory of it, we are told by 
 S.tralo, and Ptolemy ', that Alexander having obtain- 
 ed a compleat Victory, built a City, and called it 
 J Bucepbale, 
 
 Agreeable to this Notion of the difmterefted 
 
 Friendfhip 
 
 *By PI iionicus a. Theflalian, and fold fer thirteen talents. 
 PLUT. in Vit. Alex. 
 
 f Moribundus tamen, ac prope jam exfanguis Equus, e 
 mediis hoftibus reg,em, vivacifflme curfu retulit, atque ubi 
 cum extra tela extnlerat, illico concidit ; & Domini luper-. 
 ftitis fecunis, cum fenfus human! folatio, an'.mam expira- 
 vit. A. GELLIUS, Lib V. Cap 2. 
 
 tit. 
 
 % By fame Gesgrapktrt it is tailed Bucephalon, endfy c 
 ''frs Bucej>hala.
 
 Gulliver'* Travels, &c. 135 
 
 Friendmip of the Houyhnhms, is a Puflage in * Op- 
 plan, where enumerating their various Virtues, he 
 
 fays, 
 
 True to their Friend, by Lcve of Virtue led, 
 dlive, they guard him, and lament hint, dead. 
 
 And alfo in \ another Place, 
 
 Unerring Nature, on the Houyhnhm Kitxl, 
 Conferred a human Heart, and reafining Mind. 
 
 Which, to me, feem a fufficient Acknowledgment, 
 of the high Opinion, which the antient Greeks con- 
 ceived, of the Virtue and Wifdom of the whole 
 Houyhnhm Race. 
 
 Captain Gulliver mentions the exalted Chaftity of 
 both Sexes, with high Encomiums. % The Violati- 
 on of Marriage (faith he) or any Unchaftity was never 
 heard of. This fingular Perfection fufficiently diftin- 
 guiflies them from human Creatures ; and plainly 
 evinces, that the Defcriptions given of this Nation 
 in the antient Authors cannot poflibly be applied, 
 with the leaft Shew of Juftice to any other People 
 whutfoever. 
 
 I might produce many PafTages from the wifeft 
 Greeks and Latins, to confirm the Traveller's Tefti- 
 mony ; and to prove that it was the received Opi- 
 nion of the World, many Ages before he happened 
 to live among that chafle and virtuous People. But 
 1 3 I 
 
 OPPJAN. de Ven. Lib. I. ver.227 
 
 OPI Ti 
 
 riTot 
 
 Ibid, Lib. 223. 
 
 J Chap. 3. Pag. 35o,Dub. Edit. .1735.
 
 136 Critical Remarks on 
 
 I fhall only refer to one Writer, whofe Authority is 
 unquestionable, and whofe Judgment muft be of 
 great \Veight with my learned Readers. 
 
 This excellent Author is Oppian, who celebrates 
 the Houyhnhm's Chaftity with as mach Zeal, as 
 Gulliver hi nfclf. And in his * firft Book, fpeaking 
 of their Manners, he hath thefe remarkable f Lines, 
 thus, alnaoft litterally tranflated, 
 
 Pure from the Flee of ev*ry human Brute, 
 Their Guide is Nature ; Virtue, their Pur/uit ; 
 Thofe lend Delight 5, by Menyi highly priz *d, 
 To them difgujiful, are by them defpis'd; 
 To Hymen'i Rites none faithlefs, or unjujt, 
 fifone, pine difcas'dby Luxury, or Luft ; 
 Pure are their Pleajures, as their Pajffions, chaftt, 
 Their Study, Health ; and Temperance, their Feaft. 
 
 Clemens Alexandrlnus contributes greatly to confirm 
 this Defcription of the Poet ; for, he fays, the \ E- 
 gyptians exprefs Generojity of Mind, Cbaftity, and 
 the Spirit of Honour, by the Hieroglyphic of an 
 Horfe. 
 
 I ne laft Authority I fhall produce, to fupport 
 my Opinion, is Homer, who introduces a Houyhnhm 
 j| fharing the Affliction of Achilles for his Friend's 
 
 Misfortune, 
 * DeVenatione. 
 
 j" 'i-^op^a S v t^ffi Qvffn, ro^s itctfviraw OLTT^OI 
 
 <; t &C. 
 
 OPPIAN. Lib. I.ver. 239. 
 
 - ' 
 
 C\ Alex. Strom. L. 6. 
 
 o' 'Atax'i^ao, *r; etjrdttvSu iwvic, 
 
 nt, &C. 
 
 HOM. 11. xvii. Lin. 437.
 
 Gulliver'* Travels, &c. 137 
 
 Misfortune, and with a Spirit of Divination pre- 
 f aging the Death of the Grecian Hero. 
 
 Mean Time, at Dijlance from the Scene of Blood, 
 The penfive Steeds of Great Achillesy?<W, 
 Their Godlike Maf.er Jlain before their Eyes, 
 They wept, and Jhar'd in human Miseries. 
 
 Along their Face, 
 
 The big round Drop coitrs'd down with Jilent Pace* 
 
 And as to their * prophetick Capacity, he fays, 
 
 Tlie gen'rous Xanthusyfr/? 
 
 Seenfdfenfibh of Woe, and droop dnis Head, 
 Then, thus he fpake. The Fates thy Death demand, 
 Due to a mortal, and immortal Hand. 
 
 Pv po's Homer. 
 
 Befldes thefe convincing Authorities from Homer , 
 Calaber Quintus f draws fo lively a Picture of the 
 Tendernefs and Friendfliip of the Houyhnhms, as 
 entirely determines the Argument in their Favour. 
 
 I think Homer too wife an Author to write any 
 thing abfurd or ridiculous ; and therefore, if he had 
 not known it agreeable to Reafon, and Experience, 
 that a Houyhnhm ftiould have more Discretion and 
 Infpiration than the Hero of his Poem ; he certainly 
 would not have left us fuch a Defcription of the 
 precipitate Fury of the one, and the generous Sor- 
 row and Sagacity of the other. 
 
 Befides what can be more evident, than that the 
 Hsuyhnhm Language was perfectly underftood 
 I 4 by 
 
 cu ttvru 
 * csiy Tt xcti a,ii^> l$t aa-privou. 
 
 HOM. II. xix. Lm, 417. 
 
 'f*/3goTo "ITTTTO* titd^t^' "Anta'^cio 
 lit(VToi v(te mtv*. Lib. III.
 
 138 Critical Remarks on 
 
 by the antient Greeks, as the Irijh (which hath the 
 rcareft Similtudc of Sound and Pronunciation to that 
 Language) is intelligible to many curious Perfons at 
 prefent. And, if Achilles had not been intimately 
 acquainted with the Hcuyhnhm Dialect from his 
 Education, under CHIRON the Centaur, I am con- 
 fident, he would have found much more Difficulty 
 to interpret the Courfcr's Prophecy, than the cele- 
 brated Pott feems to allow. 
 
 And this, I think a new Difcovery, which the 
 learned World, at leaft, mould gratefully acknow- 
 ledge. For, even the beft Commentators upon 
 Homer, Eujlathius, Pope, Didymus, and Spondanus, 
 have never been able to affign a proper Reafon for 
 the Education of Achilles under Chiron : But, like 
 all other Illuftrators, they diligently avoided, what 
 required great Labour and Learning to explain. 
 
 Whereas, it is now demonstrable, that, as our 
 Englijh Nobility intruft the Education of their Sons, 
 to French Preceptors, who are capable of inftilling 
 no other Sort of Knowledge into their Pupils, but 
 that of a foreign Language : So, the only Defign of 
 Antiquity, in having dchilles educated by a Centaur, 
 was to make him a Mafter of the Houyhnhm Lan- 
 guage, in which his Death was to be foretold to him; 
 and, without this Precaution, the Courage of the 
 Hero in defpifing the Danger which impended ; the 
 Strength of the Ilcuyhnhm's Prediction ; and the 
 Poet's beautiful Defcnption of both, had been con- 
 fiderably dijninifhed, and impaired. 
 
 It may be objected to the generous Notions of 
 thofe Creatures, that they dishonourably fubmitud 
 to he harnejftd to a Chariot, 
 
 To which, I fliall only anfwer ; that, unjuft or 
 tyrannic Ufage, is a much greater Reproach to thofe 
 who offer, than tp thofe who endure it. And, as 
 tve have Re^fcfi to conclude thofe ffouyhnhms to be
 
 Gulliver' s Travels, &c. 139 
 
 Captives, we cannot- wonder they were put to the 
 moft flavifh Employments. 
 
 The Antients were expert at contriving difagree- 
 able Offices for their Captives : * Some were con- 
 demned to draw Chariots : And, f ibme to attend, 
 while their Mailers repeated dull Verfes^ and other 
 execrable Compofitions. So that, probably thofe 
 Houyknhms of Achilles had their Choice of both 
 Puniihments, and with gread Wifdom endured bodi- 
 ly Fatigue, rather than the Torment of difguiting 
 their Underftanding and Tajle. And, it may ft ill 
 leflen their Diflionour, if we recollect, that || St/o- 
 ftris had even Kings who were his Tributaries , an- 
 nually harnefled to his Chariot ; and a Monarch 
 of our own Nation employed Kings, as Watermen to 
 row his State-Barge. 
 
 Thus have I, by the bed Claflical Authority, 
 demonftrated my Aflertion, that the Nation of 
 Houyhnbmi,\va$ well known to theAntientsof Greece, 
 Italy, and England ; that, their Virtues were uni- 
 verfally known and admired ; and, that the moft 
 potent Princes of the Earth have been proud of their 
 Friendfhip. So that, the Great Modern Traveller^ 
 need be under no Manner of Uneafmefs, at the Cen- 
 fures of the World ; fince the learned Part of Man- 
 kind, muft, from thefe Authorities, be effectually 
 convinced, that he might have been actually an 
 Eyt-witnefs of all he hath attefted. 
 
 I know many, who believed his Account of the 
 Hcuyhnhms to be merely fabulous, and who extolled 
 
 Ins 
 
 * Captivus ut duceret currus. I. 
 
 f Porreclo Jugalo, Hiftorias, Captivus, ut audit. 
 
 HOR Sat. III. 
 
 jj Alex, ab Alexandro Dier. Gen. Lib. VI. 
 ;; Kdgar the Peaceable. Vide Malm/bur. S. Dunelin, 
 uo, Hoved, and Rapin, F. Ed. 106.
 
 Critical Remrrks, &c. 
 
 his Invention, as fuppofing fuch a Nation to exift 
 only in his own Brain. And how far he might 
 be pleafrd to liave his Imagination commended 
 at the Expsnce of his Veracity, I will not deter- 
 mine. But, I think, in JulUcc to the World, as 
 well -s himfelf, he ought to have prevented this 
 Criticif/n, and. frankly acknowledged the. Truth of 
 his Narration, although it might have fomewhat 
 lefTenciJ his Reputation as an Author. 
 1'iio rot Joubt, i;ut thisw.ll clear Gulliver from 
 another fevere Imputation, which he lay under, for 
 debiifing iiuman Nature, by nuking Men inferior to 
 Hcrfes. Btcaufe, in the Trtatife, it is fo plain, 
 that Antiquity prcfeffed to be of a very different 
 Opinnion, and it is fo manifeft, that the whole 
 Hiftory is a FaR and not a Fiftion, that if we 
 think Mankind uifgraced by the Coinparifon, it is 
 to their own Vices, and not to the Traveller's Re- 
 lation we ought to impute it 
 
 I hope, and expect, that ail future Commentatcrs 
 will cop the Example I have given them in this 
 Critical Ejjay : And that hereafter, th?y will be at 
 feaft as ftudious to fhew their own Learning, as 
 to illuftrate their Author. 
 
 I am pretty well affured, that the judicious 
 will readily join with me in Opinion; and, I 
 muft own, that I account it the higheft Ho- 
 nour to the Critic, and the fureft Teft of his 
 Genius, to demonftrate the Truth and Exiftence 
 of thofe Things, which the whole World befide 
 determine to be falfe and fiftitious. 
 
 Cambridge, Jan. z6, 
 
 ' 734-5- 
 
 An
 
 ( HI ) 
 
 ft: 
 
 An ACCOUNT of the 
 
 STATE of LEARNING 
 
 IN THE 
 
 Empire of Lilliput\ 
 
 Together with the 
 
 HISTORY and CHARACTER 
 
 O F 
 
 BULLUM the Emperor's Library-Keeper. 
 
 Faithfully tranfcribed out of Captain Lemuel Gulliver'* 
 General Dtfcription of Lilliput, mentioned in the bgtb 
 Page of the Firji Volume of bis Travels. 
 
 AS I always had a ftrong Inclination to Read- 
 ing, from the Time I firft went to Ema- 
 nuel College in Cambridge, and had gone 
 through the moft valuable ancient WYitersj 
 during my ftay in Lilliput, I was very inquifitive a- 
 bout the State of Learning in that Nation, and re- 
 ceived the following Information upon that SubjecT:. 
 In former Ages, the Government of the Ifland 
 Slefufcu was, in many refpecls, like what we call a 
 
 Common-
 
 142 *Ibe State of Learning in 
 
 Commonwealth, and for a long time flourished both 
 in Arms and Learning, whilft the Lilliputians were 
 3. barbarous People ; at this Time many excellent 
 Books were wrote in Oratory, Poetry, Hiflory, an'd 
 Philofophy, but the Blefufcudians having at length 
 loft their Liberties and Form of Government, which 
 was changed into an Empire, Learning decayed a- 
 mongft them very faft ; the fafter by reafon of hot 
 Difputes which arofe concerning the proper manner 
 of Brefling and Eating Eggs ; and in thefe the whole 
 Studies of all the Learned Men of that Age were 
 confumed. 
 
 The firft Emperor of Blefufcu, that he might in- 
 gratiate himfelf with his People, whom he had en- 
 ilaved, undertook an Expedition againft the Ifland of 
 Liiliput ; which being then governed by feveral pet- 
 ty Kings, ignorant of the Arts of War, was, by 
 Degrees, fubdued to the Empire of Blefufcu. Dur- 
 ing this Tntercourfe between the two Nations, the 
 Blefufcudian Language was very much changed, by 
 the mixture of the Lilliputian ; and thofe Authors 
 who wrote in the oid Language were negle&ed, and 
 underftood by very few. 
 
 In procefs of Time the Lilliputians grew weary of 
 Subjection, flung off the Foreign Yoke, fet up an 
 Emperor of their own with great Succefs, and ever 
 fince have been a diftincr. Empire from that of Ble- 
 fufcu. 
 
 As they were an ingenious People, and bleffed 
 with a Race of good Emperors, they foon excelled 
 their Neighbours in Learning and Arms ; they gut 
 together all the old Blefufcudian Books, their Em- 
 peror founded a Gomfiajiru, or Seminary, with dif- 
 ferent Schools, to inftru6l their Youth in the old 
 Bh'fufcudian Language and Learning; and from 
 thence chofe their Nardacs, G!umglums y and Hur-
 
 the Empire of Lilliput. 143 
 
 gos, and the Emperors had themfelves a large Col- 
 lection of thefe Books in a Library belonging to the 
 Palace. 
 
 Thus the Lilliputians flourimed in Politenefs and 
 Literature, for fome Ages ; till at length, by the 
 Plenty of a long Peace, they alfo grew Corrupt, 
 gave themfelves up to Idlenefs, Luxury, and Intri- 
 guing, and fell intoControverfies about breaking their 
 Eggs ; the old BL-fufcudian Books were laid afide, 
 and nothing regarded but Eggs and Politicks. The 
 Gomflajlru indeed continued, each School had its 
 Mulro^ or Governour and Scholars ; but the Taftc 
 of the Age being changed, they only turned over 
 the old Authors to amufe themfelves, and enjoyed 
 the moderate Revenues bequeathed to them by for- 
 mer Emperors. The prefent Emperor indeed had 
 endeavour'd to bring them into Efteem again, he en- 
 creafed their Pofleflions, and gave a Noble Prefent 
 of Books to the Gomflaftru, but having a debauched 
 inconftant People to rule over, and being kept in con- 
 tinual Alarms of Wars by his Neighbours, he had 
 not leifure to perfect his good Intentions. 
 
 I was at this Time in his Favour, and when he 
 heard that I had been inquifitive about thefe Aff.drs, 
 He very gracioufly defired me to look into his Li- 
 brary, and fent Orders to the Keeper of it to ufe me 
 with great Refpeft, and to prefent me with Five 
 Hundred Books, fuch as I mould choofe. 
 
 Accordingly upon a Day appointed, I went to the 
 Library, which i took a View of in the fame Man- 
 ner as I had done of the. reft of the Palace, by lying 
 down and looking in at the Window : The Building 
 was ruinous, the Infide dufty, the Books many in 
 Number, butfcattered about in great Diforder; the 
 Library-Keeper, whofe Name is BuUum t was alone 
 (hiking amidfl the Rubbifli. As foon as he faw my 
 
 Face
 
 144 1%* & tate of Learning 
 
 Face at the Window, he made his beft Bow, and 
 began his Speech to me, which, as I was afterwards 
 informed, he had taken a great deal of Pains about, 
 knowing me to be in the Emperor's good Graces. 
 Moft part of what he fpoke was unintelligible to me, 
 by a ridiculous Mixture of the old Blefufcudian Lan- 
 guage : And what I did underftand was fulfome Flat- 
 tery, and Complements that nothing mortal could 
 deferve. 
 
 This was very dull Entertainment to a Man of my 
 Modefty, and thereupon rinding his Speech would 
 be long, and that he was forced to ftrain his Voice 
 to make me hear at chat diftance; I thought it would 
 be a kindnefs to us both to put a ftop to him, which 
 I did, returning him Thanks, in few Words, for his 
 great Opinion of me, and defired to fee him the next 
 Day, that I might choofe out the Five Hundred 
 Books which the Emperor had given me. 
 
 Bullum^ as I heard afterwards, was in great Wrath, 
 and loaded me with many opprobrious Names, for 
 refufing to hear his Speech out, and daring to treat 
 a Man of his Learning with fo little refpeft. How- 
 ever, he ftifled his Refentment a little for the pre- 
 fent, and came to me at the Time appointed. 
 
 I defired him to fhew me a Catalogne of the 
 Books, and to give me fome Account of what they 
 treated of, that I might be able to make a Choice. 
 He replied, that he had not troubled himfelf to bring 
 a written Catalogue, but that he had one in his Me- 
 morv, and immediately he repeated to me the Titles 
 of a vaft Number of old Blefufcudian Books, and 
 run on with a great fluency of Speech, 'till he was 
 out of Breach. 
 
 It was a Pain tome to forbear Laughing, to hear 
 Bullum fputter out fo much Jargon ; at Lft I told 
 hun, that I was not in the leail wifer for what he had
 
 tbe Empire of Lilliput. 145 
 
 /aid, becaufcl underftand not a Syllable of the Lan~ 
 guage he fpoke. At that, as he flood on the 
 Table before me, he put cut his Under- Lip. And 
 flaring me full in the Face, faid, with a great deal of 
 Contempt, Not underjland Blcfufcudian ! Wlvat do 
 ycu underftand ? 
 
 I was a little Difcompofed at this Treatment j 
 but not knowing then what Intereft he had at Court, 
 I refolved to ufe him Civilly ; and replied, that I 
 underftood eight or nine Languages, if there was 
 any Merit in that j but that none of the Books 
 in his Library would be of any Ufe to me, that 
 were not written in Lilliputian. Lilliputian! fays 
 he, / cannot repeat tbe Titles of many of thcm^ but I 
 will fend you Five Hundred in a few Days : And 
 thus he left me. 
 
 I was very impatient to receive this curious Pre- 
 fent ; but Bullum broke his Word ; for about this 
 Time my Intereft at Court began to decline. I 
 could not prevail upon him to deliver the Books to 
 me : At laft, after much Importunity, he came 
 to me himfelf, attended by a Servant, with only 
 Five Books. 
 
 I was furprized at this, and afked, if the reft 
 were upon the Road : He anfwer'd, That fince he 
 had feen me laft, he had fpent fome Days in care- 
 fully perufing the Emperor's Orders; that he had 
 difcovered the Word Hundred to be an Interpolation; 
 and that the true Reading was Five Books, which, 
 in Obedience to the Emperor, he had brought 
 me. 
 
 I had indeed been put off fo long, that I fuf- 
 pe&ed I fhould have had none, and therefore agreed 
 to have the Five Books, defigning t have made 
 my Complaint afterwards, but Bullum had another 
 Trick to play me. It was the Cuftom, he faid, for 
 
 all
 
 146 The State of Learning in 
 
 all Strangers to make him a Complement in Writing, 
 which he defircd me to comply with, and then he 
 would deliver the Books to me. He had brought 
 the Form, which I was to tranfcribe and fign 
 with my own Name. The Words were thefe : 
 
 " Be it known to all Men, That Bullum the 
 Gre: t Library-keeper to the Emperor of Lilli^ut, 
 and Mulro in the Gomfiajlru, is a Man of vaft Eru- 
 dition and Learning ; all Parts of the World ring 
 with his Praifcs ; and whilft I was honoured with 
 his Acquaintance, he ufed me with fmgular Hu- 
 manity." tjhiinbus Flejlrin. 
 
 Out of an earnefl Defire to get Pofleffion of the 
 Books, I fubmitted even to this Demand of Bullun\ 
 who then ordering them to be flung down before me, 
 turned nimbly upon his Heel and left me. He had 
 picked out for me the Five word Books in the Li- 
 brary, according to his Judgment ; but when I 
 came to perufe them with a Microfcope, (the big- 
 geft being a Folio about half an Inch long) I found 
 they were curious in their Kind, but treating of 
 Subjects that Bullum was not converfant in. There 
 was, 
 
 1. A Colleaionof Poetry. 
 
 2. An Efiay on Humility > neceflary for all Lillt- 
 putians, who are very much inclined to think well 
 of themfelves, and meanly of others. 
 
 3. A DhTertation upon Tranucfans and Slamtcfani t 
 or High-heel'd and Low-heel'd Shoes. 
 
 4. A Bundle of Crontroverfies concerning the 
 primitive way of breaking Eggs. 
 
 5. The Blundecral, or Alcoran. 
 
 Thefe Books I brought fafe with me to England* 
 and defign either to publifh them, or elfe to prefent 
 them to t he Univerfity which I had once theHonour 
 to be a Member of.'
 
 ike Empire of LillipUt. 147 
 
 But. to return to Bullum. J was amazed at his 
 B-riaviour towards me, cfpecially confidering I was 
 a 'N&r&Cj to which Title he generally paid a pro- 
 found RefpecK This made me defirous of getting 
 an Account of his Hiftory and Charadler^ which, 
 having fomething extraordinary in them, I fhalllay 
 before mv Reader. 
 
 Bullum is a tail ra\v-bon'd Man, I believe near 
 fix Inches and an half high ; from his Infancy he 
 apply'd himfelr, with great Induftry, to the old Ble 
 fufcudian Language, in which he made fuch a 
 Progrcls, that he almoft forgot his native Lilliputian $ 
 and at this Time he can neither write nor fpeak two 
 S^ntencfSj without a Mixture of old Blefufcudian': 
 Thefe Qualifications, joined to an undaunted for- 
 ward Spirit, and a few good Friends, prevail'd with 
 the Emperor's Grandfather to make him Keeper of 
 his Library, and a Mulro in the Gomflajlru ; tho" 
 mod Men thought him fitter to be one of 'the Royal 
 Guards. Thefe Places foon helped him to Riches, 
 and upon the Strength of them he foon began to de- 
 fpife every Body, and to be defpifed by every Body. 
 This engaged him in many Quarrels, which he 
 managed in a very odd manner ; whenever he 
 thought himfelf affronted, he immediately flung a 
 great Book at his Adverfary, and if he could, fell'd 
 him to the Earth ; but if his Adverfary flood his 
 Ground and flung another Book at^ him, which was 
 fometimes done with great Violence, then he com- 
 piain'd to the Grand justiciary, that thefe Affronts 
 were defigned to the Emperor, and that he was 
 fmgled.'out only as being the Emperor's Servant* 
 By this Trick he got that Great Officer to favour 
 him, which made his Enemies Cautious, and him 
 Infolent. 
 
 Bullum aitendsd the Court fome Years, but could 
 Vol. I. K not
 
 148 The State of Learning in 
 
 not get into an higher Poft j for though he coii- 
 ftantly wore the Heels of his Shoes High or Lo\v, 
 as the Fafhion was, yet having a long Back and it 
 ilifFNeck, he never could with any dexterity, creep 
 under the Stick, which the Emperor or the Chief 
 Minifter held. As to his dancing on the Rope, I 
 fhall fpeak of it prefently j but the greateft Skill at 
 that Art will not procure a Man a Place at Court, 
 without fome Agility at the Stick. 
 
 Bullum^ vexed at thefe Difappointments, with- 
 drew from Court, and only appeared there upon ex- 
 traordinary Occafions, at other Times he retired to 
 his Poft of Afulrc in the Gontfiaftru y there he led a 
 gloomy folitary Life, heaped up Wealth, and poreu 
 upon the old Blefufcudian Books. It might have 
 been expected, that from fo long an Acquaintance 
 with thofe admirable Writers, hefhouldhave grown 
 more Polite and Humane ; but his Manner was never 
 to regard the Senfe or Subject of the Author, but 
 -only the Shape of Letters, in which he arrived to 
 fuch Perfection, that, as I have been affurcd, he 
 could tell, very near, in what Year of the Khfuf- 
 cudian Commonwealth any Book was written j and 
 to this, and to reftoring the old Characters that were 
 effaced all his Labour was confined. 
 
 Upon thefe Points he had wrote fevcral Books^ 
 fome in the Blefufcudian^ and fome in the mixe'd 
 Language; and whenever he had fmifhed a Book, 
 he prefented it to fome Great Man at Court, with 
 a Panegyrical Oration ; fo contrived that it woukl 
 lit any Man in a great Poft ; and the highcft Bidder 
 had it. 
 
 Whilft I was in Lilliput^ he propofed to pubjiih 
 a new Blundecral or Alcoran ; and, that he might 
 do fomething uncommon, he began at the End, antl 
 defigned to have wrote backwards ; br-t the Lilll-
 
 the Empire *f Lilliput. 149 
 
 futians, fome liking the old Elundecral^ others i'ct 
 caring for any, gave him no encouragement ; and 
 therefore he defrfted from that Piojeft. 
 
 As this Nation was very much divided ab ut 
 breaking their Eggs, which they generally eat in 
 Publick once a Day, or at le;ft once in Seven Days, 
 I defired to know how Bullum behaved himfe:f in 
 this Particular ; and was told, That he was thought 
 to have an Averfion to Eggs, for he was neve! feen 
 to eat any in Pubiick, but once or twice in a Year, 
 when his Poft obliged him to it : At thofe Times he 
 gave Orders to have them ferved up to him ready 
 Drefled, and the Shells and Whites being Care.ully 
 taken off, he gulped up the Yolks in a very hide- 
 decent manner, and immediately drank' a Bumper 
 of ftrong Liquor after them, to wafh the Taftc out 
 of his Mouth, and promote the Digeftion of them. 
 
 When any one reprefented to him the i]ILx:.mple 
 of this Practice, his Anfwer was, That his Moucfly 
 would not let him devour Eggs in Publick, when 
 he had fo many Eyes upon him ; That he wus not 
 yet determined at which End he ought to break them j 
 That the Shells and Whites were infipid, and n./ 
 fit for Children : But for the Eggs themfclves, he 
 was fo far from hating them, that he had a Dull at 
 his own Table every Day. But whether this was 
 Truth, or if they were at his Table, whether he 
 eat of them or not, I cculd never learn. 
 
 Bullum was always of an haughty Mind, and, in 
 his own School, took a great deal of Pler.fu;:e in 
 mimicking the Actions of the Emperor. Thu: , he 
 got a little Stick and ufed to divert himfelf in feeing 
 his Scholars leap over, and creep under it, as he 
 held it between his Hands. Thofe who performed 
 beft, were rewarded, fometimes, with a pompous 
 Title in the old Blefufcudlan Language, figniYying, 
 K 2 MOST
 
 1 50 The State of Learning in 
 MOST LEARNED, MOST FAMOUS, MOST AC- 
 COMPLISHED YOUTH, or the like: Sometimes 
 with little Sugar-Plums ; and fometimes only with 
 the Promife of them. 
 
 In dancing on the Ropes he took great delight 
 himfelf ; and this was the only Bodily Exercife he 
 ufed. Xhofe who had been Eyc-witnefles, inform- 
 ed me, that he could cut a Caper very high, but 
 that he did it in a clumfy manner, and with little de- 
 light to the Spectators, who were in continual ap- 
 prehenfions of his falling, which fometimes he did 
 very dargerouily. 
 
 It was obferved, that he danced beft in his own 
 Houfe, but that he never danced before the Gom- 
 /aftru with Succefs. When he firft came to his 
 Place of MulrOy he did nothing but Dancp and cut 
 Capers on the Ropes, for a Year together'. As this 
 was a new Sport in this Part of the Ifland,. he got 
 a great deal of Money by it ; but ft riving to leap 
 higher than ordinary, he fell off from the Rope, 
 broke his Head, and difordered his Brain fo much, 
 that moft People thought it would incapacitate him 
 for his Poft of Mulro : However, at length, he 
 pretty well recovered ; he himfelf fays, he is as well, 
 or better, than he was before his Fall : But his 
 Enemies think his Brain is ftill affected by it. 
 
 Some Years after, the prefent Emperor, in a 
 Progrefe through his Dominions, came to the Gom- 
 flajtru 5 and Bullum, without being afked, was re- 
 folved to divert His Majefty with his Performance on 
 the Strait- Rope ; up he mounts, and Capers bravely 
 for fome time ; at laft, endeavouring to fhew the 
 utmoft of his Skill, in the midft of an high Caper, 
 he reached out his Right-Hand too far, which gave 
 him a terrible Fall. 
 
 Moft People imputed it to his Over-reaching him- 
 
 felf i
 
 the Empire 0/"Lilliput. 151 
 
 Telf; but he laid the Fault partly upon the Robes 
 he was obliged to wear before the Emperor, wh ich, 
 as he faid, entangled his Feet ; and partly upon the 
 malicioufnefs of a By-ftander, whom he accufed of 
 pulling the Rope afide, as he was in the midft of 
 his Caper : However that was, poor Builum broke 
 his Leg, and was carried to his own Houfe, where 
 he continued Lame above Two Years, not being 
 able to fhew himfelf in Publick all that Time j and 
 it was thought he would never have recovered, if 
 the Emperor at laft, had not taken pity on him, and 
 fent one of his own Surgeons to him, who cured him 
 immediately. 
 
 After all thefe Misfortunes Builum could not for- 
 fake his beloved Diverfion, but as foon as he was 
 recovered, he forgot all that was paft, and danced 
 again in his own School every Day j where, by his 
 frequent Falls he fo bruifed himfelf, that it was be- 
 lieved they would come to a Mortification : Be- 
 fides, he dances fo long upon the fame Rope that 
 through Age and Rottennefs, and his great Weight, 
 it -mutt break at laft ; and the Emperor would fcarce 
 lend him a Surgeon a fecond Time ; which indeed 
 would be in vain, for he can never leave off the 
 Sport, though he performs worfe and worfe> every 
 Day ; fo that in all probability he will break his 
 Neck for a Concluf;on> 
 
 THE
 
 STATE QUACKS, 
 
 OR THE 
 
 Political Botcher s\ 
 
 Being a Defcription of the 
 
 STRANGE OCCURRENCES 
 
 O F T H E 
 
 Prefent TIMES. 
 
 IF ever any Year might juftly be called a Year 
 of WONDERS, this feems with the 
 greattft Rcafon and Authority to lay Claim to 
 the Appellation, and fupercede the Titles of all 
 that have gone before it : The furprizing Revolu- 
 tions and Events ; the Advancement of fome, and 
 ataftrophe of others ; Thefe rais'd to the higheft 
 
 Pitch
 
 the Political Botchers. 153 
 
 Pitch of Honour, whilft others, humbled from the 
 very Height of Power as well as Grandeur are funk 
 into the lowed Abyfs of Contempt and Scorn, look 
 fo like Paradoxes, that Pofterity will fcarcely Cre- 
 dit the Report, and Futurity will believe the Hi- 
 ftory to be nothing but a meer Romance. 
 
 Could Antiquity retrieve, or fucceeding Ages an- 
 ticipate their Fate, could our Anceftors throw off 
 the Chains of Corruption, break open the Prifons of 
 their Graves, bid Defiance to the Univcrfal Con- 
 queror of Mankind ; again converfe with Matter, 
 and take Cognizance of Humane Affairs ; or could 
 the Children that are yet unborn, the Progeny of 
 yet unbegotten Ages, reverfe the Order of Nature, 
 and be indulged with a Perfonal Knowledge and In- 
 formation of the Tranfa&ions and Occurrences of 
 this prefent Age ; how would they be confounded 
 with Admiration, and fcarce give Credit to them- 
 felves ! Nothing that is already paft, would feera 
 Wonderful to the former, nor would any Thing, 
 that the Womb of Futurity can produce, be fur- 
 prizing to the other. 
 
 But yet the moft unaccountable of all, is this, 
 that Men, not Things, are principally affected with 
 thcfe Occurrences, and tho' a general Transforma- 
 tion h:is pafs'd upon moft, if not all, yet few or 
 none are fenfible of the Metamorpbofis : Nor has the 
 Contagion fpread itfelf only among Men, but the 
 fofter Sex are infeded ; neither is this or that Or- 
 der or Rank of People, but Clergy and Laity,- High 
 anil Low, Rich and Poor, Wife and Foolifti, Old 
 and Young ; in a Word, the Diftemper is become 
 Epidemical and Univerfal ; and even I myfelf, 
 whihl. "I arn Writing, muft acknowledge, that I am 
 tainted with it, and that this very Piece, like Caufe 
 K 4 and
 
 State Quacks, or 
 
 and Confequence, is the genuine Product of the 
 fame Original. 
 
 'Tis true, all Perfons are not alike infected, nor 
 is the Transformation fo compleat in feme, as o- 
 thers ; but like the Production of Animals, after 
 the Univerfal Deluge, fo ingenioufly described by 
 Vvid t that great Mafter of Poetry and Invention j 
 when the Mud being impregnated by the W;rmth <. f 
 ' the Sun, brought forth living Creatures of various 
 Kinds and Forms; He is pleas'd to tell us, that whilft 
 fome Part of the fame Creature remain'd undigeited 
 Clay, the other was endow'd with Life and Motion ; 
 Others were only fornVd, but were not quickned or 
 cnliven'd in any Part, whilft fome again were ccm- 
 pleat and perfect in both Refpe&s. 
 
 Whether the Metamarpbofts, written by that cele- 
 brated Author, were merely the fictitious Product of 
 a fruitful Brain, contriv'd only for Amufement and 
 Piverfion, or whether they were Allegorical, poin- 
 ting out the Manners and Behaviour of Men, mat- 
 ters not; 'tis fufficient, nothing in them is more 
 incredible, or affords more proper Subjects for Specu- 
 lation, than thih prefent Trcatife, and yet not a 
 Syllable is to he found herein, which will not ftand 
 the Teft of Reafon, and comes no way fhort of a 
 Demonftration. 
 
 For thu' thtfe Changes and Transformations are 
 not Corporal, and on the Bo< lies of Perfons, but on 
 their Minds, yet are they Real and Self-evident in 
 Converfation ; and what renders them the more fur- 
 prizing in themfelves, (I niean the frequency of Ex- 
 amp,,:.-,; does '- t in i ractice ab^te the Wonder and, 
 diverts our Obfervation. 
 
 W! -at is more common, and yet what can be 
 more amazirg in itfelf, than to fee the Tribe of 
 Levi forgetting their Diity of Gofpel-Teachers, 
 
 eveu
 
 the Political Botchers. 155 
 
 even in their Pulpits, raifmg a Difcourfe of Poli- 
 ticks from a Text of Scripture, that means nothing 
 of it ? And on the contrary, to find a Cobler in 
 his Stall, or a Taylor on hisShop-board, encroaching 
 on the Sacerdotal .Oilice ? And what a diverting 
 8pe$acle is it, to fee a Pricft in his Canonical Habit, 
 transform'd into a Peripatetick Biblivp^la^ or into a 
 Mercury^ hurrying, with his Gown-fleeves fturPj 
 with Pamphlets from one Bookfeller's Shop to ano- 
 ther's, laying down his Sixpenny Packets and Aca- 
 demical Nonfenfe, to be expos'd to Sale ? 
 
 What a plcafant Sight is it to fee fuch a One pur- 
 fuing the Hawkers and Halfpenny Pamphleteers 
 from one end of the Town to another, hunting 
 them through all their Holes and Corners ; and not 
 content with this, betraying his Friends and Acquain- 
 tance, that he may acquire- the honourable Charac- 
 ter and Title, as well as Office, of Informer- 
 General \ raifing the Trophies of his Victories on the 
 Ruins of the Tribe of Half- Crown Scriblers and 
 Authors, whilft his own elaborate Performances 
 cannot find a Chapman, but muft be printed for the 
 Author, and the very firft Edition diipos'd of in a 
 Lump, after indefatigable Pains, to furuifh wafte 
 Paper to a Chandler's Shop ? 
 
 What glorious Triumphs are thefe, that though 
 he cannot, as a Minifter of the Gofpel, beat down 
 the Kingdom of jSatan in the World, nor expel Sin 
 out of the Souls of Sinners, yet he can drive the 
 fcurvy Authors out of their Holes, forcing them to 
 flee for Shelter from one Garret to another, whilft 
 the bawling Promoters of low-priz'd Nonfenfe, feel 
 the Weight of his informing Vengeance, and may 
 read their Indictments, written on their Backs in 
 fanguine Characters, by the unmerciful Hands of an 
 infulting Beadle ? What Transports muft it raife in 
 
 fuch
 
 156 the State Quacks ; or . 
 
 fuch a Soul, to hear his miferable Captives groan in 
 fecrct Dungeons ? And what exalted Joys muft this 
 afford, to think that their Voices muft be no more 
 heard in our Streets ? 
 
 How furprizing is it to fee one Man ftepping.out 
 from behind his Counter, putting himfelf at the 
 Head of 100000 Men, and over a Dim of Coffee, 
 engage the French and Spaniard, giving them a 
 Total Rout, killing 50 or 60000 in the Field, and 
 pufhing the reft into a River ; fitting down before 
 the Gates of Paris, or carrying it Sword in Hand ; 
 entring Madrid in Triumph, raviming the Golden 
 Treafurts of Peru, and then returning Home laden 
 with Spoils and Honours ? 
 
 How divc-rtir.g is it to fee a poor Botcher, who 
 v-as fcarce ever fo ha^py as to fee Twenty Shillings 
 of his own Money, anJ it may be knows not how 
 to make ufe of fo many Pence to the beft Advan- 
 tage, managing the v^ft Treafure of the Nation, 
 and from an humble Stall, where his Employment 
 was, to refit thofe Veftments which old Age had 
 impair'd, and to patch up thcfe Dclaceraticns, 
 which were below the Dignity of a Taylor to con- 
 cern himfelf about,put on the Stile andOtiice of Lord- 
 Treafurer of Great Britain, reform the Abufe of 
 the Treafury, and botch up all the Mifmanagements 
 of the Publick Cam ? 
 
 What Merriment muft it afford, to fee the La- 
 dies handling Politicks, with the fame Nicctv a 
 they do their Snuff-Boxes, or ini'pecT: Affairs of 
 State with as much Concern as they do their Lcok- 
 ing-Glaffes, to regulate a mifplac'd Patch, or Re- 
 corhpofe a Diforder'd Curl ? 
 
 Words are nothing but Wind, and therefore I 
 fliall leave thcfe Talkers to the Care of cur Aftro- 
 logical Do&ors, who may, at their Leifurc, refolve 
 
 thcfe
 
 the Political Botchers. 157 
 
 thefe following Lawful Queftions, by their noble 
 Art and Skill, viz. 
 
 Whether this Diftemper be not the Cholick of 
 the Brain.? Whether it is likely to prove mortal or 
 not ? Whether it proceeds from fome malevolent 
 Afpe&s and Conjunctions of the Planets ? Whether 
 it is convenient for Perfons fo infected to go into 
 Converfation, and thefej contrary to the Rules of 
 good Manners, to belch and break Wind in the 
 Faces of the Company ? 
 
 I (hall now proceed to fuch as have diftinguifli'd 
 themfelves by their Labours ; and as it is impoffible 
 to enumerate all, fo I mall confine myfelf to fuch 
 who are moft popular as being agreeable to my firft 
 Intention. And here, not to break in upon the 
 Rules of good Manners, or invert the Order of Pre- 
 cedency, which by immemorial Cuftom, as well as 
 Claim, belongs to the Tribe of the Scaramouches, 
 as being the Defcendants of a very ancient and noble 
 Family ; for, as they aflert, the firft Founder was 
 no lefs Perfon than one of the Twelve Patriarchs, 
 noted for fome Quality, which was none of the beft, 
 and which feem almoft infeparable from their Tribe; 
 and to prevent farther Clamours, I (hall begin with 
 them. Now though it feems difficult to affign the 
 Poft of Honour to any particular Perfon amongft 
 them, without difgufting others, yet I fhall adven- 
 ture to begin with the Leader of their forlorn Hope, 
 Who had fufficient Courage, or rather Affurance^ to 
 bid Defiance to a Kingdom. 
 
 Don Henric 1 ) Furiojo^ de Monte Igne Vomante, and 
 one of the Fathers of the Inquifition, Prieft of the 
 Order, &c. a moft celebrated Author. No fooner 
 cm you lay your Fingers on one of his Performances 
 but the Lightning flames in jour Face ; for, like 
 Jafen's Bulls, which fed on nothing but Salt-Peter, 
 
 Sulphur,
 
 158 The State Quacfa, or 
 
 Sulphur, and broken Thunder-Bolts, and breathed 
 Fire and Death, fo thefe are full charged with Ana- 
 thema's, the dreadful Curfes and Imprecations from 
 the infernal Regions. The very Titles are big with 
 rolling Thunder, and flrike the Reader \vith Hor- 
 ror and Amazement. And as thofe Bodies which 
 are hurried with Violence and Impetuofity, feldom 
 keep a regular Motion, fo you will find him to be 
 excentrick in all his Writings, Rage breaking 
 through the Bounds of Modeity and forcing Gram- 
 mar, Idiom, and Chriftiunity itfelf to flee before it. 
 This is that mighty He, who is a Match for a Sanbe- 
 drini) and whofe Picture does adorn the Reman Pa- 
 laces j who can open the Eyes of Thoufands, and 
 make them plainly perceive the Cburcbts Non-exi- 
 Jlent- Danger; this is the mighty Atlas to fupport her 
 V/eight, the invaluable Achilles^ whofe finqle Arm 
 is Self-fufficient to protect: Her from, and defend 
 Her againft the inoff viol eat Attacks of Schifmatick 
 Enemies ; the crafty UlyJJes vhofe Policy alone can 
 difcover all the chimerical Plots that are contriv'd 
 againft Her, and whofe Eloquence can maintain Her 
 Caufe againft all Opponents who are in Nubiius, 
 with the utmoft Strength of Argumentative Railery, 
 and the Rhetorick cf Porta Biliingfgenjis. 
 
 This is that learned He, who fcorns to be con- 
 fin'd to antiquated Prifclaris Directions, or Lilly's 
 duller Rules ; but \vich a Magisterial Authority, re- 
 fines the Idiom of his Mother-Tonge, enlarging its 
 former Bounds, . by giving uncontroulled Liberty to 
 Speech, and authorizing genuine Nonfenfe, to tram- 
 ple down the Fences that have been made againft it, 
 that fo his Language may run Parallel with his ex- 
 alted Notions, and both keep equal Pace with his 
 extenfive Learning ; which, rather than -want a 
 Quotation from a Roman Author to maintain his 
 
 Hypothecs,
 
 the Political Botchers'. 
 
 Hypothecs, can forge it upon the Anvil of his own 
 fruitful Invention, and produce it without aBlufh. 
 
 This is He, whofe extenfive Charity for the Pre- 
 (ervaiion of the Being and Oeconomy of the Church- 
 Militant whilft on Earth, and Her Tranquility and 
 Repofe when Triumphant in Heaven, has pafs'd a 
 damnatory Sentence on all Schifmatick Rebels and 
 falfc Brethren, leaving them to the Direction of the 
 Devil and his Angels, 
 
 This is that Oedipus, whofe Wilom can recon- 
 cile inconfiftent Oppofites, and teach Paflive-Obedi- 
 ence and Non-ReGftant Principles to defpife Govern- 
 ment, and fly in the Face of Sovereign Authority, 
 with this Provifo, that thofe who put this in Prac- 
 tice are true Sons of High-Church^ and have \Vit 
 enough, like himfelf, not to difcover what that Higk- 
 Cbitrcb is, till a favourable Opportunity prefents 
 Their late Disappointment has left this r: yet a My- 
 fiery ; but we need not doubt,, had Perkiri gotten 
 the Afcendant, we had by this Time been inform'd, 
 at the Expence of our Brains, and High-Church 
 French Dragoons had infiruied us in the Articles of 
 their Faith, by ApojloUck Blows and Knocks. 
 
 Segnior Lnca Hot Spurri dl Monte Capitoline^ may 
 juftly Challenge the fecond Place ; an incompreheu- 
 fible Author, who for many Years fucceffively hath 
 fent forth his annual Syftems of High-Church Di- 
 vinity, to the no fmall Edification of the judicious 
 Rabble : This is that experienc'd Champion, who 
 taking his Advantage of the Time, in the colde-ft 
 Seifon of the Year, puts the Trumpet to his Mouth, 
 founds an Alarm, and calls the Sons of High-Church 
 to their Arms j and tho* he never fails to lay hold 
 of every Opportunity, to beat up the Quarters of 
 Schifmatic Enemies, or to fall upon their advanced 
 Par-ties, when or wherever he meets with them, yet 
 
 then
 
 j6o Tbe State Quacks, or 
 
 then efpecially they feel the powerful Efforts of his 
 Victorious Invectives, and his vigorous Attacks 
 oblige the weaker Forces of his Adverfaries 10 flee 
 before the invincible Squadrons of Triumphant 
 Railery and Incorrigible Scurrility. 
 
 Whilft other Authors clog the weary Prefs with 
 unweidiy Volumes, the painful Labours of Retire- 
 ment, and immenfe Produces of Forty or Fifty 
 Years, exhaufted by Nocturnal Lucubrations, which 
 at laft, notwithftanding all the Embellifhments of 
 Learning and Philofophy are loft to the major Part 
 of Mankind, his incomparable Tracts are compriz'd 
 in a little Bulk j and Phyficians Itinerant, notwith- 
 ftanding their fpec"ious Pretences of Charity for the 
 Poor, fall vaftly fhort in that excellent Difpofition, 
 and of our unparrallell'd Italian Doctor's Perfections 
 on that Refpedt j for although they may now and 
 then give a fmgle Remedy out of Oftentation and 
 Policy, to promote a Trade, yet the Packet is 
 never fold under Two-pence, and if diieas'd Per- 
 fons want that Sum they muft want the Cure alfo ; 
 but he, good Man, willing that all fhould partake 
 of the Fruits of his indefatigable Labours, and 
 moft profound Skill, defires, like the Succeflors of 
 St. Peter^ no more than a fmgle Penny ; and befides 
 what his Charity prevails upon him to beftow Gratis 
 in indigent Patients, who cannot reach that Price, 
 to ftir up Chanty alfo in other well affected Per- 
 fons to beftow their Benevolence this Way, he fells 
 his Divinity-Packets by the Dozen for a fmaller 
 Price. 
 
 Thefe are the dull Productions of MSdnight- 
 
 jStudies, when the melancholy Hours pafs heavily 
 
 'away, and the Brains are ftupify'd with a Surcharge 
 
 of extended Thoughts ; and every Sentence is forg'd 
 
 with Pain and Difficulty;- the Vivacity of the 
 
 Animal
 
 the Political Botchers. 161 
 
 Animal Spirits being mortify'd by the infufferable 
 Drudgery of unfupportable Cogitation. 
 
 Thefe are not the jejune Performances of an emp- 
 ty Stomach, and a Body macerated with uninter- 
 rupted and corroding Meditation, or debilitated by 
 too frequent and almoft quotidian Abftinence; thefe 
 are not the Offspring of a Brain difturb'd, and per- 
 haps almoft diftra&ed with Thoughts and Care, for 
 an half-ftarv'd Carcafe, and a Numerous craving 
 Family, where Want and Penury appear in every 
 dreadful Form that Neceffity can fuppofe ; and every 
 Objea fills the Difmal Scenes of Ruin with addi- 
 tional Horror, and heap Vexations on the defponding 
 Wretch. 
 
 But thefe are the vigorous Refults of fublime 
 Profperity, (exalted above the Reach of injurious 
 Fortune,) and a Mind freed entirely from anxious 
 Gare, elevated to the higheft Pitch of Vivacity, and 
 i'upported by the generous Influence of the nobleft 
 Wines. Thefe are not the dull phlegmatick Efforts 
 of drowfie Hours and tortur'd Nights, wirc-druwn 
 with Violence and Fatigue from a Genius fpent and 
 enervated by a Surplufage of Toil and Mifery ; 
 but the Rhapfodies of the brighteft Hours and the 
 cleareft Thoughts, the Extafies or Raptures of an 
 exalted Soul, carried beyond the Abilities of Nature, 
 the Flights of unreftrained Zeal, and the Efforts of 
 High-Church Charity. 
 
 Charity, did I fay ? It deferves a more refined 
 Character, which will permit not one fuppof.d Re- 
 publican Antimonarchical Sinner, to have a Refidence 
 m the Bofom of the Church, or to be within a pof- 
 fibility of Salvation, till he recants his Errors, and 
 .avows his High -Church Principles; nay, which 
 will not allow the lead Corner in Heaven to thofe, 
 who are not full Conformifts to .their Notions, but 
 
 fends
 
 1 6 2 The State $uacks> or 
 
 fends the Non-Cons in a Lump, tho' his Father was 
 in that Number, to the Pit of Eternal Perdition and 
 endlefs Mifery. 
 
 Don Pitfario dl albo SaccUo^ mull be ac- 
 
 knowledg'd an Author no ways inferior in Zeal and 
 Courage to the former, but fupericr in the absolutely 
 JiecefTary Talent of AlTurancc: I am not ignorant, 
 that amongft the Men of Modcfty and Moderation, 
 as they caU themfelves, this is thought to be nothing 
 ]efs thun Impudence and a brazen Front ; but al- 
 lowing what the fheepifh Pretenders to Modefty af- 
 fcrt, is Truth, yet in fome Cafes Men muft be -al- 
 low'd to make a Vertue of Nccefiity'j and even 
 thatmuft be confefs'd to be no mean Acquirement. 
 
 Whatever is attempted by this Author, is cer- 
 tainly perform' d with an Air of Bravery and Re- 
 folution above his Fellows ; Who is that hardy He, 
 who like him, durft fet himfclf in Oppofition, arid 
 bid open Defiance to Law and Supreme Authority ? 
 Whatever fome Perfons may account him, and en- 
 deavour to blacken hisChsracter, as tho' he were toa 
 well affe&ed to the Romifo Church, I think 'tis 
 falfe, pad Contradiction, for the following Reaforis, 
 s//fc.'Tis phin he is not for Works of Supererogation, 
 for if fo, he would not have kept fo clofe to the 
 Bsok of Canons, and have took his Audience to 
 Witnefs, that he had done all that was enjoined him, 
 as he thought, tho' fome were of Opinion, and 
 belicv'd, that He had left ur.dw.e thofe Things that 
 he ought to have done^ aS well as do::e th'ofe Things 
 which he ought not tc have done. Nor is he, in the 
 next place, for the Doctrine of Merit,- left they * 
 fhould carry him where they wouW not, and make 
 him an Antipendium to the Triple Tree. 
 
 The Performances of this Author, if they fail 
 
 fhort in Eloquence and polite Language of fom'e 
 
 ' - - : ' ' '"- others
 
 the Political Botchers. l6j 
 
 f-lncr* of that Tribe, they certainly make amends 
 for it, in their Warmth and Vigour. Not a Sen- 
 tence, nay, fcarce a Word can drop from his Pen, 
 but what is arm'd with Death, and every Paragraph 
 carries Hell and Damnation with it. 
 
 This is he, who like a certain Aftrological Con- 
 jurer, that lives in a. B^ind Alley, dares take uport 
 him to be a Counfellor of Councilors to Kings and 
 Princes: But his principal Talent lies another Way, 
 viz. Inflaming the Populace from Principles of 
 PaJJtve Obedience^ and making Non-Rejijlance break 
 forth into Outrages, Riots, and Difordcr. 
 
 This is He, who can reconcile flat Contradictions 
 to a Miracle, and whofe Pupils are fo well ijiftruc- 
 red, that they can tell a Wing by the make of his 
 Peruke, or the fitting of .his Band, and are fo Zealous 
 for the above-cited Do6triius, the Traditions of 
 thefe Fathers, that in compliance with, and Prac- 
 tice of them, no Authority is fufficient, no Place or 
 Time facred enough to reftrain the Emotions and 
 Violence of their Intemperate Zeal and Head* 
 ftrong r'affions. 
 
 Satire was always by the Ancients held in great 
 Veneration ; but the Manner of its Performance 
 has been various, according to the prevailing Hu- 
 mours of the feveral Ages, or the Inclinations and 
 natural Biafs of the Authors ; and at this day it is 
 not lefs pradtis'd than in any preceedihg Times, but 
 with this difference, that as in every foregoing Age, 
 fome one particular Method of Sjtyrizing was ge- 
 nerally in Repute and Practice, whilft the others 
 wore ditregarded, now every fort prevails and feems 
 to ftand up >n an equal Foot. 
 
 Some purfue the plain and open Method of ex- 
 pofi.ig Perfons as well as Things ; but yet keeping 
 within the BoXmd? of Truth : This fort, however, 
 
 VOL. I. L is
 
 be State Quacks, or 
 
 is not in Efteem with high Tantivee Scaramouches, 
 who reject it as fit for none but Pedants, Puritans 
 and Fanaticks ; but make Choice of that, which is 
 fetoff with all the Rhetorick of Slander, Calumny 
 and Detraction, invidious and falfe Reflections;, 
 groundlefs Jealoufies and Surrnifes, with Names of 
 Odium and Diftin&ion, and a vaft Heap of Epithets, 
 as unintelligible to moil Part of their Readers, as 
 impertinent to their Purpofe, and as falfe in Fact, as 
 they are Scandalous and Injurious to the Perfons 
 againft whom they are directed ; but to manr.ge this 
 Sort rightly, 'tis neceflary that the Words them- 
 felves naturally fall into an harm, ftrong, and violent 
 Sound, which as they are confufedly thrown toge- 
 ther, may not only ftrike the Ear like Thunder, 
 but raife the Paffions, and hurry the Rational Fa- 
 culties into Confufion ; of this fort, none is a greater 
 Mafter than Den PiRoriO) nor is there any that hzs 
 equal Felicity of Genius this Way with himfelf, every 
 Sentence, throughout his Performances, abound* 
 V/ith Hyperbolical Examples of it. 
 
 Another fort, which indeed in all Ages has been 
 admir'd,. but few has had Ability to Practice, and 
 not many more to Underftand, is that, which carries 
 in it a fuarp and pungent, but clofe, and, to vulgar 
 Perfons, unperceivable Cenfure and Reproof j that 
 is, in reality, the moft refin'd and genuine fort of a 
 Satire, but beyond the Capacity of moft Men, and 
 allowed to none, but thofe of exalted Reach and 
 Judgment. 
 
 A fburth, much in Vogue in a Neighbouring 
 Country, and of which, v/e very feldomfeean Ex- 
 ample here, is done by Painting. Don Pifforio has 
 given us the Nobleft Inftance of this kind, without 
 winch the World had never known, What^ orlffio 
 s. I know, fome have cenfur'd him herein,.
 
 the Political Botchers. 
 
 as tho* he had embrac'd the Pythagorean Philofophy, 
 and held the Transmigration of Souls ; but fuch ab- 
 ftrufe Points being too Sublime for my meaner Abi- 
 lities and Comptxhenfion, I muft refer it to the 
 Learned to Difcufs ; with this one Remark, that 
 this is the only Time, within the Sphere of my 
 Knowledge, that Judas was represented as a Digni- 
 fy'd Clergy-Man of the Church of England. 
 
 Thefe forementicn'd Gentlemen having, for fe- 
 veral Years, made it their Principal Bufmefs to mend 
 the State ; I refer it to the Reader's Judgment^ 
 when he fhall have impartially examin'd their Pro- 
 ductions, how well the/ have perform'd their Talk; 
 or whether they have not been Excentrick in this 
 Affair, with refpecr. to their Office, as well as mif- 
 taken in their Politicks ; and have> inftcad of mend- 
 ing the State, kindled thofe Animofities arnongft the 
 People which will not be eafily extinguifhed. 
 
 Monfieur Ricbardo Index Expurgatorio, may here 
 juft'ly Challenge a PI ice ; a pretty Pert Boy, who, 
 tho' he has not yet left off his White Frock, nor got 
 out of his Primmer, may, in Time, come to be 
 fomething more than Ordinary j he can already go 
 on an Errand ; fetch and carry as well as a Spaniel ; 
 can watch his bigger School -Fellows ; tell when 
 they play Truant, or Game for more than Far- 
 things ; if they fteal their Exercife, or get any one 
 elfe to Write it for them ; inform againlt them if 
 they tell naughty S'ories, or find Fault with the: 
 Rules of the Schools, or the Behaviour of the 
 Ufliers : If they have any naughty Books or Ballads, 
 or offer to fell them to others. 
 
 His Diligence is very Remarkable, having caufed 
 
 feveral, in the Petty-Form, to be feverely whip'd 
 
 for this Practice, and to put it paft Contradiction, 
 
 laid out the Farthings, which were allow'd him to 
 
 L 2 buy
 
 1 66 T/je State Quacks^ tr 
 
 buy his Breakfaft, and now and then a few Apples,. 
 in half-Penny Pamphlets, and then told one of the 
 Principal Ufhers of the School ; fo that playing at 
 Pitch and Huzle, and trading in half- penny Bocks 
 and Ballads, is quite and clean Rtiin'd in the lower 
 School, where it was only practis'd. 
 
 Nay, he has ventur'd to Accufe fome bigger Boy* 
 in the upper School, for talking againft fome of the 
 Orders of the School, and inftead of minding their 
 LeiTons, or making their own Exercifes, writing of 
 New Orders, and Reafons for putting them in Prac- 
 tice ; for which one of them was, hy one of' the 
 Head Ufhers, order'd to be tied faft to the Block, 
 that he might not flit Hand or Foot, till the Matter 
 fhouM be thoroughly examin'd ; he having fug- 
 gefted, that this was a Plot carried on by the great 
 Boys of the School againft fome of the Ufhers, t 
 turn them cut of their Places. 
 
 His Attainments and Modefty, are no lefs Re- 
 markable than his Natural Abilities ; for though, as 
 I told you before, he was not out of his Primmer, 
 yet, in that, he can Read as well as a Parfon ; and 
 by his Induftry has made a fhift to learn to Write, 
 and his Modefty is fo great, that he would not in- 
 form his Mafter, by Word of Mouth, of thefe ill 
 Practices amongft his School -Fellows, but wrote 
 them in two Letters, and got one of the Ufhers, 
 with whom he could be free, to go with him to one 
 of the Head Ufhers and deliver them. 
 
 It muft be allow'd, that confiderirg his Standing 
 in the School, the Conopofure of thefe Letters are 
 extraordinary ; 'tis true, there are fome Places that 
 are falfc Grammar, and others, where the Idiom 
 may be fomething amifs ; fome again are a little in- 
 coherent, and the Senfe fomewhat obfcure, perhaps 
 hardly Senfe ; but the worit of all is, that fome. 
 
 Things
 
 the Political Botchers. 167 
 
 Things are down-right Phibhs, which has fpoiled a 
 gocxi O'.d Proverb ; That Children and Fools tell 
 Truth : But what would you have of him, Gentle- 
 men ? He is but a Child, and when he grows big- 
 ger, or comes to be a Man, which will be a long 
 while fir ft, he will have more Wit, and leave off 
 this naughty Trick of Phibbing, mend all his other 
 little Faults, and write Correctly ; and as he defigns 
 to be a Parfon, for now and then he will be aiming 
 at, and does it prcttiiy, if he be Encourag'd, may, 
 in Time, make an extraordinary Canon, for he is 
 already a fuper- excellent Blunderbufs. 
 
 To conclude, if he be not taken off from his 
 Book, he may in Forty Years more arrive to as 
 great a Pitch of Learning as the Famous Shon ap 
 Morgan^ and be able to write and fpell his own 
 Name, with a very little Help. 
 
 The next Author, Mr. Bufy-Man, is a fort of 
 Amphibious Perfon, not eafily to be plac'd in any 
 Clafs, like fome Creatures, that live both on Land 
 and Water, and are fo frequent on both, that 'tis 
 hard to fay which Element they more properly tie- 
 long to. 
 
 At firft, I was inclined to think him a Spanijb 
 Scaramouch, and that he was Prefident of the Fa- 
 thers of the Inquifition ; but on fecond Thoughts, I 
 was induced to alter that Opinion : Had he been a 
 Spani/b Scaramouch, and Head of the Inquifition, 
 or but an Examiner in that Office, he muft have 
 touch'd on nothing but Religious Affairs, which is 
 always the Pretence, whatever is the Caufe of the 
 Profecution ; and Herefy is the Crime objected to' 
 the Prifoner, tho' his Money is his real Fault. But 
 if he is a true blue Scaramouch, then High-Church- 
 is the Word, let the Caufe be what it will 3 and 'tis 
 for her Sake, that -he intermeddles with Affairs of 
 L 3 State,
 
 1 68 The State Quacks, or 
 
 State, and pretends to mend, or rather botch up, 
 all the Mifraanagements thereof : But whether the 
 Character of a Scaramouch will hold good with a 
 Weekly Scri jier, is fomewhat difficult to determine j 
 and therefore I fiiah conclude he is a fort of Otter, a 
 Blinking Crer.iure, that lives either on Land or in the 
 Water, either Church or State, ufeful to neither, 
 but pernicious to both. 
 
 Had lie been an Examiner, legally inftituted, he 
 muft have been fo in fome Particular Court, or Of- 
 fice ; but he that thrufh himfelf in for a Publick Ex- 
 amimr, is a Publick Nufance, and dcferves to be 
 treated like a common Pick-Pocket, or a Bujy-Body 
 in other Men's Matters, efpeciaily by the State \ 
 which is Examin'd into by this Authoritative Inter-; 
 loper, by whom the Miniftry is Catechifed, and be- 
 fore whom they ftand Corrected. 
 
 But for once, let us Examine our Examiner, and 
 enquire into his Merit and Ability, and I fear we 
 fball find him wanting, and altogether unfit for fuch 
 an Office. His Front is always charg'd with a Scrap 
 of Latin, which makes him pafs fcrar. extraordinary 
 Scholar with the Ignorant, who under/land nothing 
 of it ; and fometimes ferves to puzzle the half- 
 Learned Scaramouches, and Hackney Scriblers of 
 the Town ; this contains the rnoft part of his 
 Learning, if not the whole ; and when you have 
 read the Motto, you have all that is worth Notice. 
 The Affronts and Indignities he offers Pr if clan in 
 every Paper, are too many to reckon up, unlefs the 
 Author were better worth the Labour, and fo obvi* 
 ous, that every Reader, that is not fupinely Indolent, 
 or ftupendoufly Ignorant, may Remark them. 
 Were a Jury of Criticks to fit upon him, and bring 
 in their Verdict, before an impartial Judge, the 
 Confequence would be dreadful - y nor could he have 
 
 Recourfe
 
 the Political Botchers. 169 
 
 Rccourfe to any thing, but what his Clan, not many 
 Years fince, prekribed to the Whigs, I mean 
 Prayers and Tears. 
 
 His Reiigi"n and Manners are two Twins, that 
 go Hand in Hand, and in the Judgment of Charity 
 muft be allow 'd to be none of the left. He is very 
 free with his Maker, and by his Practice, one might 
 be induc'd to believe, that either He never learn'd 
 the Third Commandment, or had gotten an Indul- 
 gence or Difpenfation for the Breach thereof. For 
 good Manners, 'tis queftionable if he ever had any ; 
 but certainly, if he had, he left them behind him, 
 when he was took from School, or loft them at the 
 Univerfity, together with the frnall Stock of Learn- 
 ing that he carry'd thither. But if he has loft Learn- 
 ing and good Manners, it muft be allow'd he has ac- 
 quir'd other Accomplimments which are more Mo- 
 dim, viz. Railery in the moft virulent Manner, and 
 Scurrility in his Language to the laft Degree : That 
 Party muft be brought to a low Ebb, that can find 
 no better Patrons to defend them ; but, I think, 'tit 
 paft Contradiction, that the Patron and Language are 
 both as good as their Caufe; and that Railery and 
 Foul Language is all they have left, to defend them- 
 felves withal. 
 
 I (hall take my leave of this Saucy, Impertinent 
 Author ; only obferving, that he is full of the true 
 Spirit of High-Church^ and can manage the Argu- 
 mentative Part, as well as the beft of them ; which 
 is, by Impudently denying known Truths, and po- 
 fitively averting known Lies ; for 'tis no Sin, with 
 fuch Perfons, to fpeak againft their Confcience. 
 
 And now Don Quixot comes upon the Stage of 
 
 cf Action ; a Man of fmgular Courage and Ability j 
 
 had he not rifen in this Critical Juncture, for the 
 
 Deliverance of the Tories, what had become of 
 
 L 4 them,
 
 j~7P The State Quacks, or 
 
 them, is more than I durft take upon me to afiert : 
 Every Day that he comes forth is anExecutior Day; 
 he is fmgly more than a Match for the ad vtrfc Party, 
 and at every Stroke of his Paper-Weapon, lays 
 Three or Four of the Whig Champions fprawling 
 at his Feet ; every Day fome cr ether of them are 
 facrific'd by his Hand, to the Infernal Lake, whiift 
 he, Triumphant, bears down all before him. 
 
 'Twould be criminal to queftion this doubly He- 
 ro's Learning ; it is Parallel to his Courage, and 
 beyond the Capacity of Wbigijh Principles to Com- 
 prehend. He never accofts his Adversaries, but with 
 true and genuine Roman Language, which muft 
 flrike Terror into all Opponents. The Claflicks 
 are his Familiars, and at his Command obfequioufly 
 incorporate, and twift themfelves with his Difcourfes; 
 fo that his Performances, and Religion, sre undoubt- 
 edly of a kind, and both allied to Rome by the ftrift- 
 eft League and Covenant. 
 
 His Zeal is too Ardent to be dcfcrib'd by Words ; 
 and were it not engag'd in fuch a Caufe, might ftand 
 in need of feme Correction and Reftraint ; 'tis un- 
 deniably dmc-what Immoderate, and to his Heat 
 muft be afcrib'd- thofe Efc;-pes, which H'bigijk Cri- 
 ticks may Cenfure as his Faults. 
 
 But confider the wonderful Exp'oits he is engag'd 
 in ; Do Men in PafHon, and the Heat of Battle 
 fLnd for Polite Language, or Correct Speech ? How 
 Invlcious is it to fend the Gentleman, btcaufe fome- 
 what Warm, back again to his Spelling Book, or 
 oblige him to confult his Accidence, to make true 
 Concord ? Difcord is what ht_ is engag'd in, and how 
 oppofite is this to Concord ? What Bufmefs hath 
 he with Syntax^ who is fo bufily employ 'd in divid- 
 ing between Wbigzrd Tcry, betwixt ///gAand Loiv- 
 Cburch i nay, dividing the Wigs from this World, 
 
 and
 
 the Political Botchers] 171 
 
 and fending them by Wholefale to another ? Why 
 fhould he be ftri&ly tied up to Idiom, who cannot" 
 ftri<% be called a Briton ? 'Tis but Juft, as well 
 as Generous, to make Allowance in thefe Refpefts 
 to Foreigners. His Sou', his Religion is Roman ; 
 his Intereft and Inclinations French; his Tongue is 
 Barleduck : And, can you in Confcience deiire a 
 Gentleman, under thcfe Difadvantagei, to write or 
 fpeak true Englljh ? Oifcourfe him in his Mother- 
 Tongue, and then fee how he will manr.ge you : 
 As it is, he is more than a Match for the heft of 
 you, and every Day one or other of your Number 
 falls before him ; and without Controle, he rides 
 Lord Paramount, and Controller over all. 
 
 And now 'tis high Time to draw towards a Con- 
 clufion j Multitudes might have been added to thefe 
 wonderful Perfons already named, to whofe Indefa- 
 tigable Pains in cqrrecling the State, how much the 
 Publick is indebted, is beyond my Capacity to de- 
 termine : But, whatever former Ages may boaft as 
 to the Number andCapacity of Statefmen, this may, 
 undoubtedly, claim the Preference in both Kefpe&s 
 for never were there, as is manifeft from the few 
 foregoing Inftances in this Kingdom, at one 
 fo many, and fo Accomplijh'd Politicians. 
 
 A N
 
 A N 
 
 ACCOUNT 
 
 O F T H E 
 
 SICKNESS and DEATH 
 
 O F 
 
 Dr. Wdwrd ; 
 
 As alfo of what appeared upon opening 
 his Body. 
 
 In e, Letter to a Friend, in the Country. 
 By Dr. TECHNICUM. 
 
 t'itaqut cum gtmitu fugit indignatafub umbras. 
 
 I Heartily condole with you and the reft of the 
 Literati^ on the Death of our dear Friend Dr. 
 Wdw-rdj and have tranfmitted, according to 
 your Defire, a brief Account of his Illnefs and Be- 
 haviour before he died, and the moft remarkable 
 Phoenomena upon Difletion. When he firft pub- 
 Jifhed his State of Pbyfick, &c. no Man was more 
 vivacious and alert, from a keen Appetite and a good 
 Digeftion, he entertained the Hopes of a long Life, 
 and promifed himfelf that his Lafteah were very 
 numerous, On the other hand he was fatisfied, 
 
 from
 
 Of tbe Si chefs, fcc.' 173 
 
 from the Redundancy of his Difcoveries, that he 
 was the Columbus of the Faculty, and the greateft 
 Genius that ever appeared in it ; that hefhould have 
 Statues erected to him, and his Works be tranflated 
 into all Languages. But when he found, poor Gen- 
 tleman, his Miftake j that his Writings were the 
 Jeft of the Town and Country, and admitted even 
 into the Farce of Harlequin and Scaramouch, he be- 
 gan to lofe, in fonie meafure, his indelible fort of 
 Kindnefs for the Children of his Brain, and to la- 
 ment the Unhappinefs of diftrefled Merit. I ob- 
 ferv'd, that Garth's Difpenfary, which he quoted at 
 random in his Illnefs, was of mighty Confohtion to 
 him, not upon the Account of the Morality of 
 the Piece, but becaufc it highly delighted him to 
 confider, that if a Satire was levelled againft tho 
 whole Profefiion, any fmgle Member might endure 
 it with greater Patience and Refignation. However 
 that the Doctor might not ftand alone in a Contro- 
 verfy, he and I compofed a little Tract, which we 
 thought would have demolifhed the Triumvirate : 
 For tho' neither of us alone were able to encounter 
 our Antagonifts, yet the Caufe muft neceflarily be 
 fuccefsful, from fuch a formidable Confederacy of 
 Wit, from the united Talents of a Mathematical 
 Divine, and a Fofliliftical Practitioner. 
 
 But this Stratagem failing alfo, and the Pamphlet 
 being returned on our Hands by the Bookfeller, the 
 Doctor grew immediately chagrin and melancholy. 
 I cannot fay, indeed, but after the firft Attack of 
 his Difeafe, he would fhew, at Intervals in Conver- 
 fetion, a Serenity of Temper entirely difpaflionate, 
 which might be conftrued by his Enemies perhaps 
 the moft confummate Impudence. In Company 
 with his own Fraternity he carried on the fame Air 
 of Unconcern;, took Place of his Juniors, as he 
 
 has
 
 and 
 
 has confefs'd, and feemed extravagantly full of Glee, 
 that he was arrived in a Circle, as it were, to his old 
 Station, and likely to rejoice again in the Capacity 
 of a Foreman. But his Diftemper grew upon him 
 by degrees, and began to be attended with Phceno- 
 mena that were not genuine and ufual. .What to 
 call it I could not learn from his Phyficians, nor is it 
 at all material ; for all Difeafes arifing from an Exu- 
 berance of the biliofe Salts, there is no cccafion for 
 Divifior.s ; nor is there any Difference, according to 
 the Notions of our departed Friend, between the 
 Caufe of an Apoplexy, or Furor Uterinus. It is 
 plain that, by his over-great Sollicitude and Grief, 
 the Salts, which ferv'd for his Digeftion, were other- 
 wife employed ; and the Phlegm becoming ftiignate, 
 the Salts increafed in Number, and by the Steam of 
 their Colluations occafioned an Inflation of the 
 Stomach. According, therefore, as the Organ* 
 were incommoded and embarrafTed, he was affecled 
 with a Variety of Symptoms ; fometimes he would 
 have a Faintefs and Swooning on him, and be puhl- 
 tnimous and deje&ed: I have feen him throw him- 
 felf into a Difficulty of Breathing, by pouring forth 
 a Torrent of rugged Epithets upon his Adverfaries ; 
 but upon an accidental Clofure of the Upper Orifice 
 of the Stomach, he would begin to whoop and hic- 
 eough, and be troubled with Choakings, Startings, 
 and Strangulations. The Fur and Foulnefs of his 
 Tongue were remarkable, and his EJchings. were 
 four, noifome, and foetid, tho' generally nothing elfc 
 but Wind. His Afpecl was convulfed into a Gii- 
 mace, yet the Heat and Flufh'mg of his Face was 
 never intenfe enough, as I perceived, to make him 
 blufh. The Salts indeed, being a little over-heated, 
 txcited fomething bordering upon that harfh, uneafy 
 and offenfive Senfation, called a Fever: And in fine,
 
 Death of Dr. W-dw-d. 175 
 
 Sir, the Bile being highly vitiated, annoyed the Or- 
 gans, indifpofed the Frame and made fuch a Confu- 
 fion and Perturbation in his Brain, as to bring on 
 Madnels and Deliria. His Power of Thinking was 
 fo depraved, perverted, and confounded, that every 
 thing he uttered for the laft ten Days, was nothing 
 elfe but the confufed Images of Things and Perfons 
 he had been engaged with. Laughing, Weeping, 
 Anxiety, and Sufpicion, were the kindeft Symptoms ; 
 for he would frequently foam at Mouth, bite and 
 bark like a mad Dog. 
 
 Dr. Byftld, Dr. Tripe, Elkanah Settle, and my 
 Lord Peterborough, were moftly the Obje&s of his- 
 Rage ; but if he fpoke a Line of Senfe, he would 
 run immediately into a Hotch- potch, as he ufed to 
 call it, concerning Graduates, Creeds, Procejfions? 
 Reliques, Extreme Unttion, Gotham Correffondencfy 
 Father Grueber, the Devil, and the Pretender. 
 
 While he retained his Senfes he would be fatisfied 
 with nothing but his own Method, and he had, eve- 
 ry Day, for above twenty Days together, a Cly- 
 fter, a Purge, and a Quart or two of Oil. His Phy- 
 ficians, as he approached his latter End, directed 
 him form- other Medicines, which he fometimes 
 took, but even in his Ravings he would call aloud 
 for an Emetic, and be impatiently craving after 
 Oil. 
 
 He took a Vomit the very Day he died, nay, al- 
 rooft the very Minute j and, as he was expiring, let 
 fall the large Cockle-ihell of Sack-whey out of which 
 he ufed to drink. 
 
 I have been, Sir, more particular in this Relation, 
 to obviate the Mifreprefentations 'of two different 
 Sorts of People. Some there are, who have had 
 the Folly to declare that the Doctor died immediate- 
 ly of a Fright at the Appearance of the late Meteor ; 
 
 others
 
 j 76 Of the Sickncfs and 
 
 others again, with an Impudence never to be para-- 
 leli'd, affirm him now to be alive. To the firft I 
 anfwer, that it is irrational to fuppofe fuch a 
 Phenomenon could be terrible to one who has been 
 always prying into Grottos and Vulcanos, and the 
 Wonders of the Creation. It is true he faw it, but 
 at that Time was incapable of giving any tolerable 
 Account of it. In fhort, he was out of our order 
 long before, and departed this Life on the firft In- 
 fant, which, whether ominous or not, Ifhall not 
 take upon me to determine. 
 
 To the fecond there is nothing fcarcely can be 
 faid ; for a Man muft be loft to all Modefty and 
 common Senfe, who will affirm a thing, which, if 
 he'll but go to Grejham^ is in his Power to contra- 
 .dict. With thefe very Eyes, I declare to you, I 
 faw him make his Exit^ which I will atteft upon 
 Oath, if required : But I need not, Sir, be at the 
 Pains to convince you, or any Man, who is ac- 
 quainted with my Character, and knows what Re- 
 gard the Court of Equity has for my Veracity. I 
 fpeak this with the more Warmth, becaufe I am 
 fatisfied, notwithftanding our VtrbwuSaferdotis is 
 pawn'd for it, that there are fome who will ftill infift 
 upon his being now living ; and I defign to caution 
 a certain Bookfeller near St. Paul's, who, I hear, 
 has more than once reported it ; for as I am his Ex- 
 ecutor, I am told it will bear an Ad-lion. What will 
 ftill indeed confirm the World in this Notion, is that 
 fome about him who thought every thing he faid, 
 muft neccflarily be good, have already printed all 
 the Rhapfody of his Deliria. This however, is my 
 Comfort, tho' I fhall fee him perfonated, and feveral 
 Pieces publifhed under his Name, yet, as his Lan- 
 
 fuage and Ideas are inimitable, the wifer Part of 
 lankind muft difcover the Impofture. 
 
 I
 
 Death of Dr. W~ wd-d. 1 77 
 
 I fliall give you a full Account of his Works in 
 a little Time ; I am fcarce, as yet, Mafter enough 
 ef his Phyfick, in which he moftly follow'd the 
 Germans : This I am fure, he was a good Naturalift, 
 and very communicative of his Foffils : In his Re- 
 ligion I had, you know, well grounded him, and he 
 feem'd to exceed myfelf in the Belief of thofe 
 Principles I had inftilFd. 
 
 He was a true Philofopher in Temper, and as he 
 defired not to want, fo he never abounded in hia 
 Circumftances. I (hall get but a very Trifle by his 
 Kindnefs to me ; I believe his Knicknackatory may 
 defray the Ex pences of his Funeral, and pay the 
 Druggift for Ipecacuanha ; and I hope the Chariot 
 and Horfes will difcharge the other lefTer Matters. 
 His Oilman (for an Apothecary he feldom ufed^ 
 ought ro be very reafonable in his Bill, confidering 
 what Advantages accrued to him from his Recommen- 
 dation. I heard him fay not long ago (and no Man 
 was more punctual in his Arithmetick) that in the 
 Courfe of his Practice he had adminifter'd 20473 
 Vomits, 756 Hogfheads, 4 Gallons, and a Pint 
 of Sack-whey, and above 50 Ton of Oil. 
 
 But before I take Leave, it will be expected I 
 fhould fay fomething for the Satisfaction of the La- 
 dies, who will be inquiutive of what Sex he died : 
 The Account of his Diflection will inform them in 
 that Particular ; and altho' from the Softnefs of his 
 Voice fomething may have been fuggefted to his 
 Difad vantage in their Efteem, yet I know not whe- 
 ther that Conftitution is not more eligible that in- 
 clines one to the Gout of Italy and Spain, and gives 
 a Man a ftronger Relifh for the more manly Plea- 
 fures of thofe warmer Climat:s. 
 
 His Body purfuant to his own Defire was open'd 
 by Mr. Marten^ in the Prefence of three or four 
 
 foreign
 
 178 Of the Sicknefs and 
 
 foreign Virtuojis : The Complexion of the Skin 
 was party-colour'-i, and h,ad (omething of the Isr- 
 nijh and Sully natural to a Jaundice. We firft- 
 view'd the Abdomen; The Mufculus Rfflus continued 
 flefhly to the very Middle of the Sternum before it 
 began to be tendinous, as is obferved in the Simla ; 
 (a] which Contrivance of Nature no Doubt faciliates 
 the rigling Motion of that Animal. The Omentum^ 
 the main Fund of the Fat, which fhould have been 
 the Guard againft the Attacks of the Bilicfe Salts, 
 was perifh'd, difiolved, and quite gone. The Sto- 
 mach appear'd extremely inflated, and plainly made 
 fuch a PrefTuree upon the Curb cf the Aorta, that 
 there was fearce any Paffage left through the de- 
 fcending Trunk. In the Cavity of the Stomach, 
 as an ocular Proof of his Doctrine, prefented itfelf 
 an incredible Quantity of Bile fufficient to produce 
 that Modulation upon the Brain which he gave the 
 firft Hint of to the World. The inner Surface was 
 entirely fmooth, not a Footftep of the Velvet Tunide 
 remaining : This was perhaps from the conftant Ufe 
 of drinking Gallons of Sack- Whey with his Vomits. 
 The Aperture of the Pylorus was very extraordinary, 
 'twas big enough to admit a Man's Thumb.: And 
 indeed while he continued fenfible, he often faid, fo 
 it would be found upon DifTeclion : For in all that 
 Time he obfcrveJ, that the Pylorus never would 
 clufe, fo as to give him the Refreshment even of a 
 Slumber. Towards the Pylorus within the Stomach 
 was placed a fls/hly Subftance, refcmbling, tho' fet 
 at a greater Diftance, that in the Hcg-kindi> (b) 
 to which Species* efpecia'ly the Tajacu or OpoJJum 
 (c) this Pbaenomexcn is fo peculiar. Anatomifts look 
 
 (a] Blafius de Anatom. Simiae. 
 () Crew's Comparat. Anatom. Blafius de Anatom. 
 Porci. 
 (c) Dr. Tyfon Phil. Tranfaft, n. 153. 
 
 upon
 
 Death of Dr. W--dw-(f, 179 
 
 upon this as a Stopple, which is of great Service in 
 the Clofure of the Pylorus, (d) Hence another Rea- 
 fon may be deduced for his want of Sleep, this In- 
 ftrument not being in him iituated near enough to 
 act a Part in this Affair. 
 
 Throughout the whole Tra& of the Inteftines 
 the/e was nothing very remarkable, befides an ex- 
 ceeding Flatulency, and great Gluts of vitiated Bile .* 
 There were alfo large Quantities of Oil floating a- 
 bout, undigefted and unaltered. At the Anus was a 
 Ficus of an uncommon Magnitude. To the Reflum t 
 near the Verge of the Cloaca, adhered a Pouch full 
 of a glandulous Juice, much like what the Natura- 
 lifts defcribe in the Hycena Odorifera, the Rattle- 
 Snake, and the Pole-Cat ; and which, no Doubt, 
 imparted that Fragrancy he ufed to remark in his 
 very Excrements : Tho' when the Difcharge was 
 more than ufual, this extraordinary Perfume might 
 poffibly turn to a common Stink, as has been ob- 
 ferved in other Animals, (e) The C&cum, as hap- 
 pens always in a certain Race of Creatures, was en- 
 tirely wanting, (f) The Mefentery was very ftru- 
 mofe, and the Lacteals obftrucled to that Degree, 
 as to be vifible : One of them, which feemed to be 
 the !aft allotted for the Period of this great Man's 
 Life, had its Orifice impacted by three or four large 
 Globules of the Biliofe Salts. 
 
 The Liver was immenfely big, divided into feven 
 Lobes and ting'd with Bile j the Gall-Bladder was of 
 a Size proportionable, indeed very near equalling 
 that of an Ox. From the Duffus Cbodelocbus, beflde 
 the Branch that enters the Duodenum, we difcovered 
 upon a nicer Enquiry, another inferted immediately 
 VOL. I. Mj inta 
 
 (<fl Dr. Tyfon Phil. Tranfaft. n. 153. 
 
 (e) Ibid. n. 144. 153. Blafius Anatora. Brutor. 
 
 (f,
 
 i8o Of the Sicknefs and 
 
 into the Stomach itfelf. The Spleen was of a 
 triangular figure, (g) la>ge, teiife, and in Tome 
 Places fchirrofej abounding with a thick heavy 
 Aira Bilis. The Urinary Organs were all found, 
 and were fo far from having any rank Smell in them, 
 that the few Contents there were left in the Blad- 
 der, very near approached the Nature of Oil. I 
 fliall, out of Decency, omit any Defcription of the 
 Parts of Generation, only that the Te/les were 
 moftly hid in the Groin (h}. 
 
 In the TJjorax, the loymusyfis found to be as 
 big as ufually it is in a Calf. The Heart was 
 very flabby, and for the moft Part unfound and 
 rotten : Upon the left Ventricle appeared a very 
 virulent Ulcer. The Lungs were cramped, Jtreight- 
 7?iY/, and much Incommoded by the bearing up of the 
 Diaphragm; occafioned by the great Inflation of the 
 Stomach. Upon the fame Account, the Back, during 
 -the laft Days of his Illnefs, was very up, and ap- 
 peared fomewhat gibbofe and humped. 
 
 Upon opening the Brain, there were evident 
 Marks of the cruel Ravages and Depredations of 
 the Biliofe Principles. The Dura Mater was fret- 
 ted, and wholly unftrung. The Circumvolutions 
 in the Cerebrum all obliterated, and the Surface 
 quite plain and even ; which Doctor Willis has 
 ebferved to be the Cafe of fome particular Perfons 
 (i). The Vacuities in his Center were large to an 
 uncommon Degree. The Pineal Gland was per- 
 fectly flacid, fo that it feemed to have been in- 
 capable for fome Time of giving any proper Di- 
 rections to the Will. However, the Nervous Sy- 
 ftunwastcnfe, and peculiarly adapted {^Vibration, 
 
 (g) Blafius. (h] Ibid. 
 
 (/} Anat, Cmb. r, *,
 
 Death of Dr. W--dw-d. 181 
 
 I thought this Account would be acceptable to 
 you, both as it might give fome Light to Mankind 
 into the Caufes of Diftempers, and more particu- 
 larly like wife, as it might be of great Ufe to 
 confirm the Doftrines laid down by our late dear 
 departed Friend. 
 
 April 4, 1719. 
 
 / am, Tour's 
 
 THE;
 
 (182) 
 
 THE 
 
 Life and Adventures 
 
 O F 
 
 Don Eiliofo de L'EsTOMAC. 
 
 Tranflated from the Original Spanijh into 
 French j done from the French into Englifh. 
 
 With a Letter to the College of PHYSICIANS. 
 
 I fay whatever you maintain 
 Of Alma in the Heart or Brain, 
 The plainejl Man alive may tell ye t 
 Her Seat of Empire is the Belly ; 
 From <w hence Jhe fends out thofe Supplies 
 Which make us either flout or wife. 
 
 Anno 1719. 
 
 T0 the College of Phyficians in London. 
 
 Gentlemen, DUBLIN. 
 
 WE fo fejdom trouble you with any of our 
 Writings from this Side of the Water, 
 that I hope the prefent will be the eafier 
 * excus'd ; for as we iive in an Ifland which has very 
 little Share in the Management of the grand Affairs 
 in the World, we have the leaft Curiofity in prying 
 into them ; and this perhaps produces that Indolence 
 of Temper in us, that we rarely make Noife enough 
 to be heard by our neighbour Nations, and therefore 
 
 fcom
 
 The Life and Adventures, &e. 1 83 
 
 fcorn to liften to their Secrets ; if by chance an Im- 
 provement of any of the Arts or Sciences (that has 
 ftood the Teft of the Englijh Criticks) appears here 
 in publick, it is receiv'd witti an entire Submiflion, 
 and we reckon it as binding on us as your Englijh 
 Acts of Parliament : Indeed, if the Truth or Ufe- 
 fulnefs of any fuch Improvement be controverted 
 among you, we generally take the ftrongeft Side, 
 and fo live in perfect Harmony and Peace among 
 each other ; whether it be that our PofTeffions being 
 fmall and pretty much on a level, or whatever elfe 
 may be the Reafon, we religioufly agree not to in- 
 vade or difturb each other's Property. Gentlemen, 
 if fome among you had followed thefe pacific Ma- 
 xims, you had fav'd yourfelves the Trouble of this 
 Epiftle, and me the Expence and Trouble of buying 
 and reading Dr. IP's State of Phyfick. 
 
 The Beginning of this ingenious Performance put 
 me in Mind of Don Quixote's good Squire Sancho^ 
 whofe favourite Maxim was, that the Belly kept up 
 the Heart, and not the Heart the Belly. I won't 
 fay the Doctor ftole this Notion from that merry 
 Gentleman, becaufe I believe I mall prove prefent- 
 ly that the Author of Don Quixote was alfo the Au- 
 thor of the State of Phyfick j for upon dipping a 
 little farther into the Book, I obferv'd fuch a ro- 
 mantick Air through the whole, and a manner of 
 writing fo different from any Phyfician I ever read, 
 that I immediately concluded Dr. W. muft be that 
 young Phyfician, who enquiring of Dr. Sydenbam 
 what was the beft Book in Phyfick, was told Don 
 Quixote. Upon thefe Reflections, and reading a 
 little farther, I recall'd to mind that I had read a 
 great many Paffages of this State of Phyfick in fome 
 Romance or other ; and was fo prepoffefs'd of the 
 Truth of it, that with infinite Labour, tho' with fome 
 M 3 Pleafure,
 
 1 84 *fhe Life and Adventures of 
 
 Pleafure, I read over all Don Quixote's Library ; bu^ 
 to my great Grief in none of thefe cou'd I trace the 
 Doctor ; at laft, by pure Accident, I found an old 
 French Ivl^nufcript tranfhted from the Spanijh : The 
 Title is, Les ^ventures Don Biliofo de L'Ejiomac. I 
 Ivas as proud of this Difcovery as Thales or Pythagoras 
 of theirs : I cry'd Eu'^x*, and if I had not been 
 a better Chriftian than either of them, wou'd have 
 facrific'd an Hecatomb. In fhort, this is the yery 
 Book I fought for, and upon Examination I found 
 the State of Phyfick to be a mere Tranfcript from 
 it, excepting that the Author has broke the Thread 
 of the Hiftory in feveral Places, and now and then 
 miftaken (for want of Spanifti) the Senfe of the 
 Author. When the Transports for my new Dif- 
 covery were a little abated, I began to reflect with 
 the deepeft Melancholy on the deplorable Condition 
 of the State of Phyfick (not .the Doctor's State of 
 Phyfick) in thefe Kingdoms, if fuch Practices as 
 thefe fhall go unpuiufh'd. What in the name of 
 Goodnefs cou'd poflefs this : Gentleman to endeavour 
 to impofe a Romance on us for a Treatife inPh) fick, 
 unlefs he defign'd to banifh this Science out of Eng- 
 land ^ as Cervantes did Knight Errantry out of Spain ? 
 I have heard indeed that fome Chymicul Enthufiafts 
 have maintain'd that Homers Iliad and Gdyjfcs, nay 
 the Bible itfelf, contain'd no.thing but the Secret of 
 making the Philofopher's Stone, and the Grand 
 Elixir : That Homer's Rules for Fighting, and the 
 holy Precepts in the Scriptures fcr the Ccncuct of 
 our Lives, were but fo many Process for rr. :'c ; ng 
 thefe grand Arcanums \ but fure none of thefe Adepts 
 were fo mad to attempt making Gold by one or 
 t'other ; and I'm plaguily miftaken if the Doctor 
 makes any by my Manufcript ; yet after all I con- 
 fefs I pity this poor Gentleman's Cafe, he thirfling 
 
 after
 
 Don Biliofo de L'Eflomac. 185 
 
 after Knowledge, and from his Youth upward foli- 
 citous fur the publick Good, earneftly and gravely 
 defir'd Sydenbam's Advice ; Read Don Quixote-, fays 
 the jocofe Doctor. The Biliofe Salts heing very pre- 
 dominant both in Quantity and Quality in this poor 
 Gentleman's Conftitution, and (unhappily for him) 
 the Inftruments of Cogitation fo confounded the co- 
 gitative Faculty, that he did not diftinguifh Jeft from 
 Earned ; and his Paffion for his Author became fo 
 exorbitant (curfe on all Biliofe Salts) that he neglect- 
 ed all other Books but Romances ever after. How 
 thefe hellifti Salts impofe on the Organs of Senfe, pro- 
 duce lufory Vifions, and reprefent Actions, Perfons, 
 and Things, that no where exift but in thefe delu- 
 five Operations and Irapofitions, this unfortunate 
 Gentleman is a melancholy Inftance, 
 
 But to return to my Manufcript, I really have not 
 time to transcribe it, and am too fond of it to part 
 with it ; however, that you may not fufpedt any Im- 
 pofition, I have here fent you the Heads of the fe- 
 veral Chapters, and refer you to the Pages in the 
 State of Phyfick. The only Recompence I defire of 
 you, Gentlemen, is, that you will reimburfe me the 
 Money I laid out in purchafing the Doctor's Tranfla- 
 tion, confidering I have the original Manufcript by 
 me, and that the Money will be but a Trifle among 
 you all; befides, I hope I fhall not difoblige Dr./iT. by 
 thus publickly declaring the trueFather of this Child, 
 which has been fo great a Reproach to him, fmce it 
 will fave him the Trouble of maintaining another 
 Man's Brat ; and 1 therefore expect he will fend me 
 all the Novels, and Romances of his writing, which 
 (I don't queftion) may be eafily got. 
 
 M 4 The
 
 1 86 'The Life and 'Adventures of 
 
 The Life and Adventures of Don 
 Biliofo de FE/lomac, &c. 
 
 Chap. I. /^\ F Don Biliofis Birtli. How when 
 
 \^Jr his Mother was with Child of him, 
 contrary to other Women, flie grew big about the 
 Shoulders, her Sternum became prominent, and her 
 Back gibbous, her Belly all this while continuing 
 as lank as a Virgin's. How fhe died in Labour, and 
 how Don Biliofo was miraculoufly preferved by be- 
 ing cut out of her Stomach. Vide State of Phyfick, 
 p, 91, 18. 
 
 Chap. II. Concerning Don Biliojo's Education j 
 how he wasnurs'd in a Coal-pit, and of his flrangc 
 Inclination of travelling under Ground ; of his Con- 
 verfation with Spirits, and how he ftudied the Black 
 Art. Vide Natural Hiftory, p. 3, 4. 
 
 Chap. III. How Don Biliofo ravifti'd the incom- 
 parable and beautiful Donna Phlegma, and how they 
 liv'd together like Dog and Cat, and fhe bore him 
 afterwards feveral very unlucky Children ; p. 92. 
 And of an ancient Prophecy of above two thoufand 
 Years, foretelling what great Mifchief he, his Wife, 
 and Children, fhould commit in the World, p. 90. 
 
 Clap. IV. How Don Biliofo's Children committed 
 feveral mad Pranks, and how he reclaim'd them by 
 gentle and foft Means, oiling their Sides very well, 
 and liquoring their Boots, p. 81. 
 
 Chap. V. In this Chapter is related the wonder- 
 ful Prowefs of the gallant Don Biliofo j how he de- 
 
 flrov'd
 
 Don Biliofo de L'Eftomac. 1 87 
 
 ftroy'd thirty Fleas that attack'd fome diftrefs'dDam- 
 feLs, and how they miraculoufly efcap'd being flea- 
 bitten ; and how a Lady got out of his Hands with 
 a whole Skin. p. 86, 88. 
 
 Chap. VI. How that cruel Don Putrldo Salino, 
 by the Advice and Affiftance of DonnaPhlegma, moft 
 barbaroufly flea'd and fetch'd off the Skin of feveral 
 innocent People's Mouths and Throats. p. 89. 
 
 Chap. VII. How Don Biliofo and Donna Phlegma 
 quarrell'd in Church ; how they were confin'd in an 
 Organ Loft for difturbing the Congregation ; how 
 by Art Magick they got into the great Organ Pipe, 
 and how they made greater Emotions, Colludtations, 
 and Perturbations than before ; as alfo how they fet 
 the whole Church a fpewing. p 95. 
 
 Chap. VIII. Don Biliofo' s Advice to his Friends 
 about frying Pancakes ; how to prevent them from 
 riling into Blifters, and how there is no trufting to 
 the common Receipts, p. 96. 
 
 Chap. IX. How he taught an intelligent Surgeon 
 to fet Bones and cure Bruifes ; how he quarrell'd 
 with a ftrange Knight for not telling him his Secrets ; 
 and how out of Spight he told Secrets which no one 
 wou'd liiten to. p. 101, &c. 
 
 Chap. X. How Don Biliofo made Donna Diarrhoea 
 dead drunk ; and how when he had his Will of her, 
 he turn'd her out of the Back Door ; p. 104. Alfo 
 how he and Donna Phlegma lacerated her great Ca- 
 pillary Veflel, and left her bathing in Blood ; p. 105. 
 and when me awak'd, how they twitch'd and jerk'd 
 her Buttocks, 'till they made her dance without Mu- 
 fick. p. 1 06. 
 
 Chap. XI. How Don Biliofo and Donna Pblegma, 
 were taken up by the Inquifition as Conjurers, for 
 giving People the Strangury, Stoppage of Urine, 
 bloody Urine, and fpitting Bleed, p. 106 and 108. 
 
 Chap.
 
 1 8 $ 'The Life and Adventures of 
 
 Chap. XII. How Don Biliofo was fet at Liberty 
 by the Giant Variola* , and how they enter'd into a 
 frri& Friendftiip. 
 
 Cbap.Xlll. How the Giant Variolas, after his 
 Friendship with Don Biihfo^ contrary to all Laws of 
 Humanity, treated a great many honeft People very 
 cruelly, efpecLlly Dan Biliofo's Friends; laming 
 fome, blinding uhers, and do\vjirig s t murdering 
 the moft part ; tho* he let a. great m<my Rogues pafs 
 unmoieftcd ; p. in, 112, sV. 
 ' Chap. XIV. In this Chapter you have related two 
 Inrfonces of Don Biliofo's great Humanity ; how he 
 tore up a Nettle by the Root for biiftering a Child's 
 Cheek, and how he fainted away at feeing a little 
 Girl's Nofe bleed, p. 1 14 ad 125. 
 
 Chap. XV. How Don Biliofo gave a Dofe of Opium 
 to a troublefome Bed -fellow, and after he was afleep, 
 with what Caution and Humanity he attack'd him 
 behind, and made an Evacuation in his Body. 
 />. 129, 130. ' 
 
 Chap. XVI. The pleafanteft Chapter in the whole 
 Book : How Donna Diarrbaa put the Giant Vario- 
 las into fuch a Fright, that he be-fh t himfelf : 
 How Don Biliofo perfuaded him not to wipe his 
 Br ch, left part of the excluded Excrement might 
 be repelled into the Anus ; Periculofa plenum opus 
 olea^ p. 131 ad 138. 
 
 Chap. XVII. How Don Biliofo at a publick Tour- 
 nament dcfcants on the Ufe and Choice of Arms; he 
 proves beyond Contradiction that blunt Swords make 
 deeper and more dangerous Wounds than the fharp- 
 eft and beft pointed ; that a little Oil will make a 
 Feather as {harp as a Razor ; that he had Jcill'd 
 more Knights with that Weapon, than dchilles with 
 his Spear, or Hercules with his Club; he challenges 
 the Giant Variolas to a Tilt j Don Biliofo is difmount- 
 
 ed i
 
 Don Biliofo de L'Eftomac. l $9 
 
 ed j his Cruet of Oil broken, and his Cloaths dirty'd. 
 p. 138 ad 150. 
 
 Chap. XVIII. Don Biliofo's Opinion of a Coun^ 
 cil of War; he {hews plainly it muft be attended 
 with very fatal Confequenccs, unlefs the General 
 Officers are all of a Size ; of the fame Complexion; 
 if their Swords are not of an equal Length ; and fi- 
 nally, if their Armour bear not the fame Devices. 
 p. 150 ad 156. 
 
 Chap. XIX. This Chapter treats of a thoufand im- 
 portant Impcrtinencies, which tho' very ridiculous, 
 are notwithstanding highly neceflary for the right un- 
 derftanding many things in this Hiftory. p. no. 
 
 Chap. XX. Don Biliofo encounters with a ftrange 
 Knight, for refcuing a diftrefTed Damfel from the 
 Giant Variolas ; p. 159. He raifes the Ghofts of two 
 .Enchanters, his old Friends, to his Affiftance. The 
 ftrange Knight carries oft' the Damfel from them all j 
 Don Biliofo left in a ftrange Perturbation, &c.p. 171* 
 
 Chap. XXI. The ftrange Knight by his Valour 
 and Conduft recovers a Youth from Variolas ; Biliofy 
 more enrag'd than ever ; />. 172. He proclaims the 
 ftrange Knight a Coward for protecting Children and 
 Infants. In this Chapter is alfo mewn, that the Giant 
 and Don Biliofo were great Lovers of Boys. p. 182, 
 
 Chap. XXII. Here Don Biliofo very ingeniously 
 expofes the Craft and fhifting Tricks of Women : 
 He proves from the Delicatencfs of their Frame, and 
 Tendernefs of their Conftitutions, that they are bet- 
 ter able to endure Hardfhips than Men are, they 
 having more Holes to creep out of than Men. p. 183, 
 
 Chap. XXIII. Don Biliofo very artfully endeavours 
 to pcrfuade the ftrange Knight to confefs he had mur- 
 der'd and eaten the Women and Children he had 
 refcu'd from the Giant f'ariolas. p. 185 ad 188. 
 
 Chap,
 
 The Life and Adventures of 
 
 Chap. XXIV. How Don Biliofo arriv'd at a flrange 
 Jand, where fix times as many went out as came 
 in every Year ; and how, notwithstanding the Ifland 
 grew more populous, and alfo notwithftanding 
 the Jncrcafe of the People, there was more Beef, 
 Plumb- Pudding, and Cuitard, and ftrong Beer con- 
 fum'd than was ever known before, p. 192 ad 198. 
 
 Chap. XXV. How that Giant Variolas arriv'd in 
 the fame Ifland, and in one Year devoured three thou- 
 fand one hundred thirty eight Men, Women and 
 Children ; p. 191. As alfo how Don Biliofo grew 
 fo fat upon picking the Bones, that his Armour 
 grew too little for him ; and how-for Grief he turn'd 
 Friar, and preach'd, and prophefy'd, and foretold 
 the Day of Judgment, p. 199^201; 
 
 Chap. XXVI. How Don Btliojo came back to his 
 native Country, turn'd Scavenger, fwept the Streets, 
 fet up a Dairy, and found out a great Arcanum to 
 ieep Milk Veflels fweet. p. 209 ad 211. 
 
 Chap. XXVII. How Donna Diarrhtra u&'d to put 
 Tricks upon Travellers, and make them lofe their 
 Way ; how fhe us'd to flip out of the Back Door, 
 wipe her Br ch with the Linnen hanging in the 
 Back- fide, and how Don Biliofo, by his difcreet 
 Tvianagement, prevaii'd on her to go out at theStreet 
 Door. p. 211, 212. 
 
 Chap. XXVIII. In this Chapter you have a learned 
 Diflertation on the Ufe and Virtues of Brooms, and 
 fome ufeful Inftruftions about fweeping Kitchens ; 
 that it is better not to fweep them at all, unlefs you 
 fweep them well, for that they will but grow the 
 dirtier ; and that it is neceflary to put the Pots, 
 Plates and Difhes in Order before you begin. You 
 will alfo find it here fully proved, that the Ancients 
 fwept their Kitchens oftener than the Moderns, tho* 
 they did not drcfs fo much Meat. p. 1 12 ad 128.
 
 Don Biliofo de L'Eflomac. 191 
 
 Chap. XXIX. How Don Biliofo turn'd Mounte- 
 bank j he tumbled, cut Capers, and walk'd the 
 Slack Rope j but being not perfectly Mafter of 
 his Trade, his Foot flipt, and he unfortunately 
 broke his Neck, to the Admiration of all Spediatois. 
 p. 201 ad 209. 
 
 THK
 
 ( 192 ) 
 
 THE MOST 
 
 WONDERFUL WONDER, 
 
 That ever appeared to the WONDER of the 
 
 BRITISH NATION. 
 
 BEING 
 
 An Account of the Travels of Mynheer VE- 
 TER ANUS, through the Woods of Germany: 
 And an Account of his taking a moft mon- 
 ftrous SHE BEAR, who had nurfed up the 
 WILD BOY : Their Landing at the Tower ^ 
 Their Reception at Court ; The Daily Vi- 
 fits they receive from Multitudes of all 
 Ranks and Orders of both Sexes. 
 
 w i T H A 
 
 DIALOGUE between the Old SHE BEAR, 
 and her FOSTER SON. 
 
 To which is added, 
 
 Yin Humani, Salji, fcf Faceti Gulielmi Sutherland!, Mul- 
 tarum Artium & Scientiarum, Demon's ' Doftijfimi, 
 DIPLOMA. 
 
 Written by the Copper-Farthing DEAN. 
 
 MO People on Earth are fo inquifitive, and fo 
 fond of Rarities as the Englijh^ except the 
 it) who by the Confonance of Humour and 
 
 Manners,
 
 The mojl Wonderful Wonder. 193 
 
 Manners, feem to be defcended from us ; whoever 
 knows their Hiftory, and is acquainted with that of 
 England^ will readily give into my Opinion. This 
 I have thought neceflary to fay by way of Introduc- 
 tion j for to fall de but en blanc^ as the French fay, 
 or as we Englijk^ flap dafh, upon the Subject, with- 
 out preparing our Reader by fome little introductory 
 Difcourfe to raife his Curiofity, gain his Attention, 
 and befpeak his Favour; would fhew an Author 
 ignorant of the modern Way of Writing. I, who - 
 am now pretending to that Title, fhall endeavour to 
 obferve all Decorums, and prove, by the little Trea- 
 tife I have undertaken, that I aim at nothing more 
 than giving the Town a polite Entertainment, where- 
 in I fhall never deviate one fmgle Step from the Paths 
 of Truth, which is fo finely followed by all Wri- 
 ters, fmce the Example fet us by G B , 
 
 B of S \ , that neither Party, Paffion, nor 
 
 private Pique, dan make an Englijh Author guilty 
 of, even an Equivocation. I would be underftood, 
 however, to except Jefuits and Jacobites, for they 
 are known to be incorrigible in their Hatred to that 
 exemplary pious M#n ; and fo great is their Rage, 
 that I verily believe, had he ever given into Flattery 
 and Falfhood, two Vices which filled his righteous 
 Soul with Horror, they would have embraced Truth 
 and Plain Dealing. But it is not my Bufmefs here 
 to examine the Principles of any Party or Faction ; 
 nor does it become an Author of a refined Tafte and 
 polite Education, to expofe the Faults, Slips, Mif- 
 takes, Errors, or Inhumanity of our Neighbours, 
 or to criticife their Morals. 
 
 I fhall therefore come to the Subject Matter, with* 
 out detaining my Reader any longer, fince I fuppofe 
 him of himfelf able to make all neceflary Reflections, 
 and it would be arrogating to myfelf a Superiority of 
 
 Judgment,
 
 194 We Moft Wonderful Wonder. 
 
 Judgment, fhould I pretend to make them for him. 
 Be it known then, That Mynheer Veteranu^ a 
 Dutch Gentleman, who keeps a Gin-fhcp in Am- 
 Jlerdani) hearing the kind Reception the wild Boy 
 met with here in England^ and of the great Care 
 taken for his Inftrudlion in the Principles of the 
 Chriftian Faith ; thought he ceuld not do a more ac- 
 ceptable Piece cf Service to this generous Nation, 
 than that of enquiring out, and bringing over the 
 Bear to whom the Care of his Infant State was com- 
 mitted. And knowing that the generous Englijh 
 v/ould not fuffcr him to lofe either his Pains or Ex- 
 pences, if he fucceeded in his Search and Endeavours 
 to ferve them, he left Aniftcrdam^ refolving to hunt 
 all the Woods of Germany but he would find her out. 
 To this End, he took a young Child with him, and 
 having prepared his Toils, towards the Evening, in 
 a certain Foreft, he made the Child cry, thinking, 
 that the Nurfe being accuftomed to thefe Infant 
 Ejaculations, would be allured by them. The Suc- 
 cefs anfwered his Intentions ; for a She Bear made 
 up to the Place whence the Child's Cries proceeded, 
 and was taken in the Toils. No fooner had he, with 
 the Men who accompanied him, muzzled her, fo 
 that {he could do no Mifchief, but he offered the 
 Child to her Dugs, who me, without Relu&ance, 
 nay, with a vifible Tenderncfs, fuffered to draw her 
 Milk, and endeavoured, though too ftraitly muzzled, 
 to carefs it with her Velvet Tongue. Mynheer, to 
 - try her farther, took the Child away ; whereat fhe 
 began to grumble in a frightful Manner j roar fhe 
 could not, for the above-mentioned Reafon. Myn- 
 heer therefore being fully fatisfied, was hoifting her 
 into a Cart brought to carry her off, when he was 
 furprized by an uncommon Sight, a Child of about 
 two Years old, with his. Nofe to the Ground, and 
 
 owed
 
 *Tbe mo ft Wonderful Wonder. 195 
 
 followed by fome Bears Cubs, came galloping upon 
 all four in Search of the Dam and Nurfe, whom 
 they followed by the Scent. This Sight made .he 
 Dutch Gentleman fear he had not the real Nurfe of 
 the Englijh Wild $oy j but one of his Huntf.uen 
 told him it was a Confirmation that me had r.urf .d 
 the Englijh Gentleman ; for, fays he, when a Bear 
 has once brought up an Infant, they grow fo fond of 
 Children, that they never reft contented without one 
 for the Entertainment and Diverfion of their Cubs ; 
 and they'll venture their Lives to fteal one from the 
 neighbouring Villages. Satisfied with what he heard, 
 Mynheer f^eteranus ordered the Child and Cubs to 
 betaken, which was no hard Matter, for thev would 
 not quit the Dam. He then made the belt of his 
 Way Home, overjoyed, that he could be fo fervice* 
 able to the Britijh Nation, (for which the Dutch in 
 general have an inviolable Affection, as is demon- 
 ftrable in all their Actions) he took Shipping after- 
 wards with ru's Prize, and fafely landed at Tower" 
 Wliarf, the firft of this Month ; though fome have 
 falfely reported, that he was here four Months be- 
 fore. However, he was no fooner arrived, than he 
 received the Thanks and Compliments of yll the No- 
 bility, who had the Honour of waiting on him, to 
 whom he fhew'd this Rarity gratis. A certain Per- 
 fon of Diftin<Hon purchafed his whole Cargo, the 
 Bear with her Cubs and their Fofter- Brother ; and 
 fending for the Wild Gentleman,_he f he wed him the 
 old Bear. The Lad no fooner faw her, but, with 
 Tears of Joy, he embraced his dear Nurfe ^ who on 
 her Part gave as great Demonftration of Fondnefs, 
 hugging him, throwing herfelf on her Buck, and 
 opening her Legs offered him the Tet, which he 
 fucked as heartily as if he had never been wean'd : 
 He unmuzzled her, and it's impoffible to exprcfs th 
 Voj.. J. N Joy
 
 1 96 The moft Wonderful Wwder. 
 
 Joy which appeared in the Eyes of both. The Cub* 
 and new-found Infant were brought in, but the En- 
 glijh Gentleman would not fuffer them to approach ; 
 and indeed the Fondnefs the Bear mew'd for the Re- 
 covery of her former Care, made her neglecl her 
 Cubs and new Nurfling. The Purchafer of her is a 
 Man of a great Eftate, and a Scotch Gentleman 
 (whofe Father is a Merchant of Sloes, Blackberries, 
 Cyder, and Arfenick, in the City) being by, he de- 
 fired him to take Care of thefe Cubs, which the 
 Bear had neglected, and he would pay him hand- 
 fomely for their Board. Since which Time, the 
 Bear has been fliewn to all the Court ; and we heal 
 that a Den, in which formerly was kept one of the 
 moft monftrous She Bears that ever the Woods of 
 Germany produced, is now preparing for her Recep- 
 tion. The Bear's firft Fit of Tendernefs for her 
 recovered Darling being over, flie feemed by her 
 Looks to enquire for her Young. The Englijb Gen- 
 tleman, who is her Interpreter, afked for them by 
 her Orders. They were brought, and the young 
 Gentleman told his Fofter Mother in her own Lan- 
 guage, that great Care Ihould be taken both of her 
 Cubs and Nurfling j and that a Gentleman who was 
 to have an Apartment joining to hers, had the Care 
 of civilizing and bringing them up; which, as he 
 was a Scotfman by Birth, none could perform with 
 more Care, Skill, and Tendernefs. As the Englifi 
 Wild Gentleman did me the Honour to interpret to 
 me the Dialogue between him and his Nurfe, part- 
 ly by Words, partly by Signs, I (hall here give it 
 the Reader verbatim without Addition or Diminu- 
 tion. 
 
 Bear,
 
 mqft Wonderful Wonder, 1.9.7 
 
 .JL Jt"Y dear human Cub, how have I regret- 
 j[VjL tc ^ 7 our Lofs, how could you leave fo 
 tender a Mother ? 
 
 Boy. I was raviftied from you, my dear Mother, 
 by the barbarous Creatures of my own Kind ; who 
 have enclofed me, as yoa fee, in thefe Hides ft ripe 
 off" fome innocent Beafts ; and deprived me of the 
 natural life of my Fore Legs. 
 
 Bear. What Title hus this Beaft which goes ere& 
 on two Legs, contrary to the Order of Nature, to 
 deprive us of our native Liberty ? 
 
 Boy. The fame they have to tyrannize over one 
 another, the Power to do it. The Beaft call'd Man, 
 has the Vanity to imagine himfelf the Head of the 
 Creation ; that every other Creature is fulfervient to 
 him, and made by the Sun for his Ufe ; ?.nd that he a- 
 lone has t^e Benefit of Reafon and Expreffion. 
 
 Bear. I find he is but a very filly Animal. ,et 
 him confuit Experience (for Rtafon I fuppofe he has 
 none) and fee which has moft Claim to Superiority, 
 the Two-leg'd, or the Four-leg' d Beaft. Turn a 
 Man loofe to me, to a Tiger, or a Lion, and let him 
 ihew his Excellence. He feems to me the m.,ft im- 
 perfect Piece of the Creation; for the Sun has given 
 him neither Hair to cover him, nor Teet!i nor Claws 
 to defend him. Has he a Scent to find out his ne.- 
 ceflary Food. 
 
 Boy. They feed upon Animals weaker than them- 
 felves, as Lambs, Fowls ; and, by iheir Treachery, 
 they kill and tat the Bull and Cow. They carry it 
 fair y with them, and :here is a Sort of Compact be- 
 tween thefe Beafts ; The Beaft Man, in the Sum- 
 mer, cuts the Grafs, and lays up Provifion for the 
 jBeaft Bull againft the Winter ; and the Beaft BulJ 
 helps him, by working, to lay up a Store for him- 
 N * fslf.
 
 198 'The moft Wonderful Wonder. 
 
 felf. But when Man is hungry, he takes an Op- 
 portunity, and kills and eats the undefigning inno- 
 cent Bull. 
 
 Bear. Morutrous \ I fee the Horfe in Friendfhip 
 with them j are they as treacherous to him ? 
 
 Bey. I can't tell ; but they tyrannize over him 
 becaufe of their Numbers j for otherwife, the Horfe 
 is much the braver Beaft. But they have an Inven- 
 tion of killing Creatures 'with Fire j which makes 
 thofe Beafts who know them ftand in Awe of 
 them. 
 
 Bear. Since you have been fome time among the 
 Beafts of your own Species, you are certainly able 
 to give me their Character. 
 
 Boy. That's a difficult Matter ; for hardly one of 
 them knows his own ; and I have heard Men them- 
 i'elves fay, that it is the greateft Wifdom for a Man 
 to know himfelf. Man is a very Contradiction ; he 
 prides himfelf as fuperior to the other Beafts, and 
 yet when he would exaggerate in his own Praife, it 
 is by (hewing that he is equal to fome or other of 
 them in the Gifts cf Nature. Their Comparifons 
 are with Beafts of different Species from their own, 
 and when they boaft of their Strength, Subtilty, or 
 Innocence, they immediately allude to the Lion, Ser- 
 pent and Dove, and fo on in all other Perfections, 
 Man ftrippedis the moft Defencckfs and moft Sheep- 
 i(h of all Animals ; but when he is decked with Birds, 
 Feathers and Sheep's Wool, and laid over with a 
 (hining Earth, which they adore, as we do the Sun, 
 and has perfumed himfelf with the Excrements of a 
 Civet Cat, his Pride makes him look with Contempt 
 on every other Animal ; as if the Pillage of different 
 Beafti had the Power to change his Nature. Their 
 Judgments are fo weak, that they'll put one Man to 
 Death, and extol another to the Skies, for one and 
 
 the
 
 The moft Wonderful Wonder. 199 
 
 the fame A&ion. The glittering Earth I mention'd 
 is their God ; it is almoft of the Colour of the Fox, 
 and fo zealous are they in their Adorations of this 
 their Deity, that they offer one another up in Sacri- 
 fice, in which by mutual Wounds both Prieft and 
 Victim fall. They are fo fickle in their Temper, 
 that they refolve one thing this Minute, and the con- 
 trary the next ; and their Hatred is fo violent when 
 provoked, that they will wifh the moft cruel Mif- 
 chiefs even to themfelves ; nay, they go farther, and 
 put themfelves to Death. 
 
 Bear. Ridiculous Animal which purfues Annihi- 
 lation ; but I obferve there is a Subordination among 
 them : For one Man I fee is followed and attended 
 by a Number of others who obey his Orders. Is 
 that Man ftronger or wifer than his Fellow Beafts, 
 that he has fo many Jackals about him ? 
 
 Boy. Not at all -. 'Tis very probable he is the weak- 
 eft of the Pack. 
 
 Bear. Whence then this Obfervance ? 
 
 Boy. He is blefs'd with the Favour of their God : 
 You muft know their Deity is divided into innume- 
 rable fmall Particles, and he who pofTefTes the great- 
 eft Number of thefe, is the moft honoured by the 
 reft of his Species, and followed and waited on by 
 them, to gather up fuch Parcels as he is obliged from 
 time to time to fcatter : For fuch is the Nature of 
 their God, that it cannot reft long contented in one 
 Place; tho' a Man whom the Sun killed not long 
 fmce, had chained and fettered their great God of all, 
 which they call by the Name of Million ; this God 
 of theirs I never faw. I can give you no farther Ac- 
 count, having been fo fmall a Time among them, and 
 not as yet well enough acquainted with their manner 
 of Expreffion; for they ufe many Words to which 
 they join no Idea. Thefe are I fancy imaginary Dei- 
 N 3 ties |
 
 loo The nto/i Wonderful Wonder. 
 
 tics; as Juftice, Honour) Religion, Truth, Friend* 
 fhip, Loyalty, Piety, Charity, Mercy, Publick 
 Good, and many others which commonly fill their 
 Difcd.,fc i but wh.it is meant by 'em I cannot yet 
 difcover, t.ho' I have a ftrong Notion they have no 
 Meaning at all ; and are only employ 'd to give a 
 Gracs to their Converfarion, becuufe they found 
 pleafant to the Ear, and run glibly off the Tongue. 
 
 Bear. But what do thefe Human Beafts keep me 
 here for ? 
 
 Boy. I believe it is to admire you ; for you may 
 obferve a great Number come to look at you. They 
 take me to be fomething above their own Species, 
 for the hneft of the Men will carefs me ; but it's 
 not ftrange, I have had the Advantage of your 
 Tongue to lick me into form, and your Milk to 
 rear me. There is one Thing which will make you 
 Wonder ; The me Man carries about her the Skin 
 of the Virile Inftrumcnt, but to what End I can't 
 iind out, 
 
 Bear. If it is to admire me, well and good ; for 
 they can't do it without abating very much of the 
 Opinion they conceive of themfelves : But I ihall 
 not long be eafy under this Confinement j for tho' 
 J am treated with no harm Ufage, and even as the 
 more T\oble Beaft, for they attend and provide for 
 me without any Care on my Side. 
 
 Boy. It is this I believe makes the Horfeand Dogs 
 fuffer the Infults they meet from Man ; for all things 
 rightly confider'd, Man who provides for theHorfe's 
 Suftenance, who keeps him clean, carried away his 
 Dung, and waits upon him when he has any Ail- 
 ment,, is no more than Slave to the generous Beaft, 
 As to the Dog, I have feen the She Men treat him 
 \vith fo much Care, Tendernefs and Deference, that 
 JUm apt to think thy worfhip him ; they take him 
 
 into
 
 The mft Wonderful Wonder. 231 
 
 into their Bofoms, kifs, fondle and carefs him, pro" 
 vide the beft Entertainment for him ; ferve him be- 
 fore themfelves ; and never fufFerhim to fet his Foot 
 to the Ground, but carry him in their Arms, and 
 are diligent Attendantson him. They pay the fam 
 Refpeft to the Monkey. I was one Day in Conver- 
 fation with one, who told me he thought himfelf 
 happy that he had fuch a Number of careful 
 Slaves, who even prevented his Wimes, and pro- 
 vided fo well for him not only ;;li the Convenien- 
 cies of Life, but alfo what might gratify the Senfes j 
 that he wasfatisfy'd, the reft of his Species, had they 
 a true Notion of Men,wou'd condefcend to converfe 
 with and take upon 'em the Government of that 
 paflive Animal. This is the Monkey's Way of 
 thinking ; tho' Man thinks quite differently, and 
 boafts that the Monkey is his Slave. 
 
 Bear. Why ? does the Monkey do any thing for 
 Man ? 
 
 Boy. Nothing but when the Monkey laughs at 
 the ridiculous Actions of that Beaft, he laughs a- 
 gain at his Geftures : The Monkey I juft now 
 mention'd found but one Fault with his Condition, 
 which is (faid he,) my Slaves are fo incorrigibly ftupid, 
 that when they do any thing to difpleafe me, and I 
 (hew my Refentment by Gefticulation, for I don't 
 know their Language, they immediately fall a 
 laughing. 
 
 Their Difcourfe was here interrupted by fome 
 Company; for the Bear wou'd not feem too free with 
 the Boy left Man might have a mean Opinion of 
 her for the Condefcenfion. 
 
 N 4 Viri
 
 ( 202 ) 
 
 Viri Humani, Salfi, & Faccti Gutidmi 
 Sutherland^ Multarum Artium & 
 Scientiarum, Do&oris Dodiilimi, DI- 
 PLOMA. 
 
 B I QU E gentium &f t err arum 
 From Sutherland to Padanarum. 
 
 From thofe who have fix Months of Day, 
 
 Ad Capitt ufque Bono: Spei ; 
 
 And farther yet ft forte tendat 
 
 Ne ignorantiam quis pretendat. 
 
 We Doctors of the merry meeting, 
 
 To all and fundry do fend greeting : 
 
 Ut omnes babeant Cotnpertum^ 
 
 Per hanc prefentem noftram Cbartam, 
 
 Gulielmum Sutherlandum Scotum 
 
 At home per nomen Bogfie notum^ 
 
 Who ftudied ftoutly at our College, 
 
 And gave good Specimens of Knowledge. 
 
 In fnultis artibus verfatum 
 
 Niinc fattum efl'e Doftoratum, 
 
 Qitoth P R E S"E S, Strittum ^ojl examen 
 
 Nunc efta Dodlor, we faid Jtnen. 
 
 So to you all hunc Commendamus 
 
 Ut Juventm quern nos amamus 
 
 hii mult as habet qua litotes 
 
 To pleafe all Humours and ^Etates 
 
 He vies if fobcr with Duns Scotus 
 
 Sed multo magh fi Jit pctus. 
 
 In Dijputando juft as keen as 
 
 Calom, John Knox, or Tom Aqumas, 
 
 In every Queftion of Theologie^ 
 
 farfatus mulium in Trickohgie^ 
 
 Et
 
 GuUelmi Sutherland! Diploma. 203 
 
 Et in Catalogis Librorum^ 
 
 Frazer could never ftand before him, 
 
 For he by Page and Leaf, can quote, 
 
 More Books than ever Solomon wrote ; 
 
 A Lover of the Mathematicks 
 
 He is, but hates the Hydroftaticks : 
 
 Becaufe he thinks it a cold Study 
 
 Todeul in Water clear or muddy. 
 
 Doflijjimus eft Medicines^ 
 
 Almoft a Borehave or Bellini 
 
 He thinks the Dyet of Comoro 
 
 In Meat and Drink too fcrimp and narrow, 
 
 And that the Rules of Lernard Lejjjius 
 
 Are gdod for nothing but to ftrefs us. 
 
 By folid Arguments and keen, 
 
 He has confuted Doftor Cbeyne ; 
 
 And clearly prov'd by Demonstration, 
 
 That Claret is a good Collation. 
 
 Sanis, Mgris^ always better 
 
 Than Coffee or Tea, Milk or Water. 
 
 That chearful Company cum rifu, 
 
 Cum Vino forti, fuavi viftt y 
 
 Guftatu Dulciy ftill has been 
 
 A Cure for Hyppo and the Spleen : 
 
 That Hen and Capon, Vervecina^ 
 
 Beef, Duck, and Pafties, cwnFerina, 
 
 Are good Stoma&icks, and the befl 
 
 Of Cordials, Probatumeft. 
 
 He knows the Symptoms of the Phthifis, 
 
 Et per falivam fees Difeafes. 
 
 And can difcover in Urina^ 
 
 ^uando fit opus Medicina. 
 
 A good French Nightcap ftill has been, 
 
 He fays, a proper Anodyne, 
 
 Better than Laudanum or Poppy 
 
 To Dormiamus like a Toppy. 
 
 Affirmtt
 
 2<>4 Gif.ltlm Sutherland! Diploma. 
 
 rfjprniat Lufum Alearum 
 
 Medicamentttm ejje Clarttm. 
 
 Or elH a Touch <tt Three Hand Umber 
 
 When Toil or Ca.re our Spirits cumber. 
 
 Which graft Wings on our Hours of Leifure, 
 
 And make them fly with Eaf- and Pleafure. 
 
 jfuftipium c5f Venatiormn 
 
 Poft Longam mn.h Poiaiionem. 
 
 He has difcovered to be good 
 
 Both for the Stomach and the Blood ; 
 
 As frequent Exercife and Travel 
 
 Are good ag: ir.ft t u c Gout and Gravel* 
 
 He clearly proves the Caufe of Death, 
 
 Is nothing: but the Want f Breath. 
 
 And that indeed is a Difafter 
 
 When 'tis occafiun'd by a Piafter 
 
 Of Hemp and Pitch laid clofely on 
 
 Somewhat above the Collar Bone. 
 
 Well does he know the proper Dofcs, 
 
 Which will prevent the Fall of Nofes. 
 
 Ev*h keep them qui privantur illis y 
 
 Mgre utuntur Perjpicillis. 
 
 To this and ten times more hi. c Skill 
 
 Extends, when he would cure or kill. 
 
 Jmmenfani Cognitionem Legum 
 
 Ne prorfus hie Silentio tegam. 
 
 Cum fociis sfrtis greefe his Fift, 
 
 T&rquebit illos as you Lift. 
 
 Jf Laws for Bribes are made, tis plin. 
 
 They may be bought and fold again. 
 
 Spcftando aururn now we find, 
 
 That Madam Jufticc is ftone Blind. 
 
 So Deaf and Dull on both her Ears, 
 
 The Clink of Gold fhe only hears. 
 
 Nought elfe but a loud Party Shout, 
 
 Will make her ftart or look about. 
 
 Hil
 
 Gulidmi Sutherland! Diploma. 205 
 
 His other Talents to rehearfe, 
 
 Brevijpme in Profe or Verfe : 
 
 To tell how gracefully he dances, 
 
 And artfully contrives Romances : 
 
 How well he arches and fhoots flying, 
 
 Let no Man think that we mean Lying 
 
 How well he fences, rides and fmgs, 
 
 And does ten Thouifand other Things ; 
 
 Allow a Line, nay but a Comma, 
 
 To each, Turgeret hoc Diploma. 
 
 Square ut tandem Concludamus y 
 
 Qtii brevitattm approbamus. 
 
 For Brevity is always good 
 
 Providing we be underftood. 
 
 In Rerum omnium naturis 
 
 Non minus quam Scientia juris. 
 
 Et Medicines Doftoratum y 
 
 Bogfaum navimus verfatum. 
 
 Nor (hall we here fay more about him, 
 
 But you may Dacker if you doubt him. 
 
 Addamus tamen hoc tanttllum 
 
 Duntaxat nojirum hoc figillum. 
 
 ffuic teftimonlo appenfum^ 
 
 Ad Confirmandum ejus Senfum, 
 
 Junftts Chyrographh Cunfforum 
 
 Blith honeft hearty Sociorum. 
 
 Dabamus at a large Punch Bowl 
 
 Within our proper Common School. 
 
 The Twenty Sixth Day of November, 
 
 Ten Years the Date we may remember. 
 
 After the Race of Sherrifmuir 
 
 Scots Men will count from a black Hour. 
 
 Ab omul Probo nunc Jignetur 
 
 Qii Denegabit (xtrudetur, 
 
 THE
 
 ( 206 ) 
 
 -6 
 
 THE 
 
 MANIFESTO 
 
 O F 
 
 Lord PETER. 
 
 TH E World fhall be inform'd in due time 
 of the Hifto'ry of P E T E & the Wild 
 Gentleman : Let it fuffice at prefent for 
 them to know, that he is the Son of a 
 great Philofopher, who altho' unknown himfelf, has 
 made no fmall Figure in the Commonwealth of 
 Learning by his Writings. This great Man, from 
 a deep Senfe of the Miferies brought upon Mankind 
 by being civiliz'd, cdndefcended to dedicate his only 
 Son to an Experiment, by which he did not doubt 
 but he fhould convince the World, how much a 
 nobler Creature a Wild Man was than a Tame one. 
 A Curfe (quoth he) on all thofc whimfical Cox- 
 combs, who by Fiddling, Singing, Drinking and 
 Dancing, have erected Governments, built Cities, 
 and fpoil'd the nobleft Animal of the Creation. ~~~ 
 It has happened to poor Men -in all Ages to be 
 drawn into ill Courfes by drinking of ftrong Waters, 
 a Country Dance, and a Fiddle. Ofirls or Bacchus 
 tirft began this Ballum Rankum, and debafed the 
 
 Faculties,
 
 The Manlfejlo of Lord Peter. 207 
 
 Faculties, and corrupted the Morals of this ge- 
 nerous and innocent Creature, rendririg him flaviih, 
 intemperate, treacherous, cruel and rapacious. 
 
 Having xprefs'd himfelf to this Purpofe, from 
 the Height of Tendernefs to the Child, as well as 
 Love to Mankind, he turned out his Son into a 
 defert Foreft. Fortune has fo far favour'd his De- 
 iign, 'that the Boy is preferv'd, but the Girl, who 
 was turned out with him at the fame time, is milling. 
 In order to repair this Lofs, and to preferve the 
 Race as well as the Individual, I confider'd myfelf 
 as firft Minifter to a Miner Prince ; and having the 
 Misfortune to be bred Tame, I was obliged to pe- 
 rufe fuch grave Authors, as might inftruft me how 
 to behave myfelf in my fmgular and high Station. 
 One Day by chance I turn'd up that Paflage of Zwy, 
 where fpeaking of the Wild Men of Rome being 
 unprovided with Females, he breaks out into this 
 grave Refle&ien, Res unius (Etatispopuhts virorum ; 
 by which I was immediately admonim'd of my Duty: 
 for, faid I, if a Nation of many Males be but a 
 thing of fhort Continuance, what muft a Race be 
 which confifts but of one Individual ; and (hall 
 there be fuch Pains taken by Minifters to preferve 
 the Race of Princes, whom it may be faid, Una 
 avulfo non deficit alter, and I be lefs careful of my 
 Charge, which contains a whole Species in one In- 
 dividual Perfon ? 
 
 Therefore to fulfil the Duty of ray important 
 Truft, and to fecond the pious Defigns of his learned 
 Anceftor, being furnifli'd with full Powers, I have 
 refolved to djfpofe of my Minor Princes as foon as 
 poflible. 
 
 all Men by theft Prefents, That W* 
 ** Lord PETER, by the Advict of our under- 
 written firft Miniftfr, bavf thought fit to. ij/uf 
 f&rtk this Mtnifejlg. T 9
 
 lo8 The Manifefto 
 
 Tt all Miftrejfffs of Boarding-Schools, Goi>frnants& 
 Waiting-Women^ Poor Cou/tns, Match-maker VT, 
 and all other Couplers, bowfaever denominated or 
 dijlinguijk'' 'd t Greeting. 
 
 WHEREAS we were once refolved to 
 fend for a Confort to the Deferts of drabia, 
 amonft the Inhabitants of the Cape of Good Hop*, or 
 the wild Americans^ that we might not degrade the 
 Dignity of our Race by marrying any Tame Wo- 
 man ; yet being inform'd that the Country where 
 v/e now fojourn, abounds with Females of thofe 
 noble Qualities, which render them proper for our 
 Royal Turf, we have fufpended our faid Refolution; 
 and being under no Neceflity of taking the difho- 
 nourable Way of the Wild Men of Rome, are wil- 
 ling to enter into a Matrimonial Treaty with any 
 Lady, Spinfter, or Widow, qualify'd as after men- 
 tion'd j not derogating from our Rank and Con- 
 dition, as an Independent Prince ; in which State all 
 the. World muft acknowledge we are at prefent ; no 
 Potentatate upon Earth having any juft Title or 
 Ciaim to our Allegiance, by any Right or Property 
 in our Perfon : For as the Place of our Nativity is 
 utterly unknown to ourfelves, as well as to them, 
 all Princes and Potentates muft have an equal Jurif- 
 diclion over us: confequently none at all. Nor can 
 any Prince or Potentate found any fuch Claim on ac- 
 count of Protection, we having by our own Induftry 
 miniftred unto our ownNeceffities, and therefore like 
 all ether Creatures feree nature, not appertaining to 
 pny particular Proprietor, it is manifeft we are in a 
 ftate of Nature and Independency, with Regard to 
 all Earthly Potentates. And whereas, it may be ob- 
 jected, that we are at this time Prifouer of Warof a 
 great Prince ; ta that is anfivcrcd, that the forefaid 
 
 Prince
 
 <The Manifejlo of Lord Peter. 209 
 
 Prince never fet up any fuch Pretence, that there 
 never was War proclaimed in due Form againft us, 
 which according to the Cuftom of Tame Princes 
 ought to be done by Trumpets and Heralds, not by 
 Dogs and Hunting Horns ; therefore we cannot be 
 wanting to ourfelves, fo far as not to aflcrt our juft 
 Title to all fuch Portions of this habitable Earth, as 
 we can acquire either by Purchafeor Conqueft.Thus 
 having afcertained our future Confort of the high 
 Dignity that (he is to be raifed to, at our happy Re- 
 ftoration, we proceed to enumerate the Qualifica- 
 tions requifite in this our faid Spoufe ; which are, 
 
 1. That (lie have itrong and found Teeth j out 
 private Table and Way of Living demanding fuch, 
 as abfolutely and indifpenfably neceflary. 
 
 2. That me have a Loud and Shrill Voice for the 
 Comfort of mutual Converfation, which now and 
 then may happen to be at fome Diftance. 
 
 3. That me be active, found, and ftrong in her 
 Limbs: All fat, flabby, pufly, ihort-breath'd,ricke 
 ty Girls, being by thsfe Prefents for ever excluded 
 from our Royal Turf. 
 
 4. One who has never been thwarted in her Hu- 
 mour, but treated with the utmoft Tendernefs by 
 fome indulgent Mother, untam'd, and left to her 
 own generous Paflions and Inclinations, and who has 
 given early Proofs of her Impatience of Subjection 
 to any Sort of Government whatfoever. 
 
 5. One who always ftrongly refifted every Thing 
 that favour'd of what is commonly called Polite- 
 nefs ; who never fuffered willingly her Face to be 
 wafti'd, her Nails pared, her Nofe wiped, or her 
 Head comb'd. 
 
 6. One who applied herfelf always unwillingly to 
 any Sort of Mauufadture of Tame- Women, nor 
 
 fcarce
 
 21 o 'The Manifefto of Lord Peter. 
 
 fcarce ever got beyond the firft Letter of her Samp- 
 ler. 
 
 7. One who takes great Delight in Converfation 
 with Beafts and Birds, as Cats, Dogs, Monkeys, 
 cfff . And we require it as an indifpenfible Condition, 
 that (he has fometime or other kept a great Dog, * 
 fqualing Parrot, or a Black Boy. 
 
 8. One who has upon every juft Occafion exer- 
 cifed her natural Weapons, Teeth, Nails, and Fin- 
 gers, by biting, fcratching, and pinching her Maids, 
 Nurfes, and Play-fellows ; therefore we except a^ 
 gainft all Gentlewomen who bite their Nails. 
 
 g. One who fo far ftiews a Contempt for human 
 Ornaments, as to fully and tear her Cloaths, Linen, 
 and Lace immoderately : And who has a ftrong In- 
 clination to difcover Nudities, confequently wears 
 iliort Petticoats, and low-cut Stays. 
 
 jo. Tho' Dancing be the Diverfion of Silvans^ 
 our Royal Confort muft be fuch as would never fuf- 
 fer her natural wild Motions to be form'd and re- 
 flratned by the impertinent Inftru&ions of a Danc- 
 ing-Mafter ; one who rather frilks like a Satyr, than 
 dances like a Tame Gentlewoman. 
 
 11. And tho' we are obliged to difpenfe with 
 fome Rudiments of Education, which may have cor- 
 rupted the Simplicity of Nature, yet we would de- 
 fire to have this, in as fma'i a degree as poffible ; if 
 (he fpeaks it muft be infignificantly, fo as to open 
 her Mouth and fay nothing. She muft read indif- j 
 tlnclly, fpell falfe, and fcraul Pot-hooks rather than 
 write Letters. 
 
 12. One who baa always fhewed a ftrong Appe- 
 tite for Fruit, as well green as ripe, and who has 
 ppon Occafion fhew'd her Agility in climbing a Tree 
 to pluck them, and never took any Sort of Phyfidfc, 
 jrxcept when poured down with a Horn. 
 
 1- On?
 
 The Manlfejlo of Lord Peter. 2 1 1 
 
 17. One who has an utter Contempt for Money, 
 the Corrupter of the Morals of Tame Men, ut ge- 
 neroufly throws it away on all Occafions fc : hv Di- 
 verfions. If me has been in a Mairied State, it is 
 required that (lie had always an utter Averfioa 10 ftay- 
 ing at Home ; that fhe eloped from her Hufband ; 
 which are Signs of a generous wild Nature, hating 
 Reftraint. 
 
 14. We allow her to have a ftrong Inclination 
 for Courts, where Men commonly lofe, but Women 
 acquire Liberty. 
 
 15. Our Spoufe muft be one who never meafurcs 
 her Time by Machines, confequently never winds 
 up her Watch, nor was ever pun&ua to an Ap- 
 pointment. 
 
 1 6. Whereas we ourfelves have often found itne- 
 cefTary and ufeful, to employ our Hands as Afiiilanis 
 to our Feet in Walking : Therefore we cannot pof- 
 fibly think of making our /^ddrerTes to thofc young 
 Women, who think they have a fuperfluous Foot, 
 and always (land upon one ; unlefs they can prove 
 to us they learnt it at Scotch-Hop, and only do it to 
 fhew their Dexterity at that agreeable Diverfion. 
 
 17. We forewarn all young Women to avoid in- 
 forming us that they wct'vaftlyjktpidy for wefhall be 
 apt to take them at their Word ; and if they are 
 quite in the Spleen, we (hall have ncrhing further to 
 fay to them, being unwilling to entail a Diftemper 
 on our Royal Iffiie. 
 
 18. Being fcnfible that we (hall hardly meet with 
 a Female that can bear the Light in her Eyes, we 
 are willing to be a little indulgent to our future Con- 
 fprt in this particular ; and tho' we have an u r ter. 
 Averfion from holding up of Fans, and wearing of 
 Hoods, we will allow her a green Leaf to fkreen her. 
 from the Sun, inftead of a Bit of Paper. 
 
 Vol., I, ' O W e
 
 212 The Manifeflo of Lord Peter. 
 
 We likewife certify the Perfons above-mentioned, 
 That we will make greater Settlements upon any 
 Daughter of a Water-drinker, and Root-eater than 
 any other Female whatfoever. And we have given 
 our underwritten Minifter Inftru&ionsto that Effect, 
 as likcwife to conclude all other Matters in due 
 Form. 
 
 Given at our Court in 
 Burlington-Garde*. 
 
 Sclomon Audriav., 
 
 Vie
 
 C 213 ) 
 
 The DEVIL to pay at St. 
 o R 
 
 A full and true ACCOUNT of a mod horrid 
 and bloody BATTLE between Mauam 
 FAUSTINA and Madam CUZZONI. 
 
 ALSO 
 
 Of a hot SKIRMISH between Signor BOSCHI 
 and Signor PAL MERINI. 
 
 MOREOVER, 
 
 How SENESINO has taken Snuff, is going to leave . 
 the Opera, and fmg Pialms at Henley's Oratory. 
 
 ALSO 
 
 About the Flying Man, and how the Doctor of St. 
 Martin's has very unkindly taken down the Scaf- 
 fold, and difappointed a World of good Company. 
 
 As Alfo 
 
 How a certain Great Lady is gone mad for Love of 
 William G#/&, the Quaker. 
 
 And 
 
 How the Wild Boy is come to Life again, and has got a 
 Dairy Maid with Child. 
 
 Alfo about the great Mourn.ng, and the Fafliions, and the Altera- 
 tions, and what not. With other material Occurrences, too many 
 to infert. 
 
 TWO of a Trade feldom or ever agree : This 
 ws daily fee verified in the many Skirmiflies 
 between the Ladies that fell Mackrcl near 
 Londen-Bridge, and the Nymphs that vend live 
 O 2 Mutton
 
 214 The Devil to pay at St. James' 3. 
 
 Mutton about Fleet-Street and Cogent -Gar den : But 
 who would have thought the InfefHon fhould reach 
 the Hay-market^ and infpire Two Singing Ladies to 
 fu\\ each other's Coiffs, to the no fmall Difquiet of 
 the Directors, who (God help them) have enough to 
 do to keep Peace and Quietnefs between them. 
 
 Which of the two is the AggrefTor, I dare not 
 determine, left I lofe the Friendship of many Great 
 Noble Perfonagts, who efpoufe fomethe one, fome 
 the other Party, with fuch Warmth, that it is not 
 now, as formerly, /. e. are you High Church or 
 Low, Whig or Tory ; are you for Court or Coun- 
 try ; King George or the Pretender ; but are you for 
 Ftiu/lina or Cuzzcni, Handel or Bononcini, there's 
 the Qu eft ion. This engages all the Polite World in 
 warm Difputes ; and but for the foft Strains of the 
 Opera, which have in fome Meafure qualified and 
 allayed the native Ferocity of the Englijh, Blood 
 and Slaughter would confequently enfue. 
 
 As I faid before, I fhall not determine who is the 
 Aggreflbr, but take the furer Side, and wifely pro- 
 nounce them both in Fault ; for it is certainly an ap- 
 parent Shame that two fuch well bred Ladies fhould 
 call Bitch and Whore, fhould fcoidand fight like any 
 Billingigates. We have had Singers, nay, Italian 
 Singers, here before now, but never fuch Doings ; 
 Witnefs Madam Margarilta and Madam Tofts ; 
 who, though they owed each other a Spight, and 
 had both pretty high Spirits, yet they never came 
 to Handy-cuff's. Nay, I am very credibly inform'd, 
 tho' they mortally hated each other, they had the 
 Good -Manners to kifs and cry at Parting.- This 
 was as it fhould be 5 this was fafhionable, this was 
 n'anpfonle. and indeed commendaMe. Then we had 
 Madam Pltloti > and Madam Ifabella ; they were as 
 loving as Ball's Pigs, a^ mild as Turtles j they v lilt- 
 ed
 
 The Devil to pay at St. James'*. 215 
 
 ed and drank Tea, and there was no fuch Hurricane 
 between them. It was much the fame with Madam. 
 Duraftanti and Madam Robinfon. What therefore 
 can be the Meaning, that thefe two Ladies, and on- 
 ly them, ftiould make fuch a Rout is beyond my 
 Comprehenfion. God forbid I Should judge amifs ; 
 yet I cannot but think there is more in this Matter 
 than People are aware of ; who knows but they are 
 fent here to raife Diflentions among true Proteftants! 
 There are too many fhrewd Caufes of Sufpicion. 
 
 1. They come from Ro?ne ; 
 
 2. The Pope lives at Rome j 
 
 3. So does the Pretender. 
 
 4. The Pope is a notorious Papift j 
 
 5. So is the Pretender ; 
 
 6. So is Madam Fauftina^ 
 
 7. And fo is Madam Cuzzoni. 
 
 8. King George (God blefs him) is aProteftant ; 
 
 9. The Papifts hate the Proteftants ; 
 
 10. The Pope hates King George ; 
 
 11. The Pretender can't abide him. 
 
 12. But Madam Cuzzoni and Madam Fauftina 
 love the Pope, and in all Probability the Pretender. 
 
 Ergo, ********** 
 
 From whence I infer, that it is not fafe to have Po- 
 pifh Singers tolerated here, in England ; but on the 
 contrary, it would be a great Security to the Pro- 
 teftant Intereft to have a Claufe added to fome A6t 
 of Parliament, obliging all foreign Singers, Dancers 
 and Tumblers, to abjure the Devil, the Pope, and 
 the Pretender, before they appear in Publick. But 
 for this we muft wait with Patience, and fubmit tor 
 wifer Heads : In the mean Time, I humbly propofe, 
 tli at fince thefe Ladies are not to be reconciled by 
 any other gentle Means, 'tis bed that they fight it 
 O 3 out
 
 2 1 6 The Devil to pay at St. James' J. 
 
 out at Ftgg's or Stake's Amphitheatre, and that a 
 Subfcription be open'd for that Purpofe, and the 
 beft Won; an have the Whole Houfe. For the fur- 
 ther Diverf.on of the Company, I would have Bo- 
 fcbl and Palmzrini be their feconds, and Seneftno and 
 Baldi mould divert the Spectators with a Bout or 
 two at Blunts for a Hat and Feather before the Mi- 
 ftrefles mount the Stage. 
 
 Count Vienna fhall be Door-keeper, and Heideg- 
 ger mall take the Money ; the Bill or Challenge to 
 be drawn up by that very ingenious Perfon, who 
 has illustrated the Science of Defence with his Lu- 
 cubrations, and is at prefent Secretary to the Am- 
 phitheatre. 
 
 This will be Matter of new Diverfion to the Beau 
 Monde^ and I Joubt not but the Town will thank me 
 for my Contrivance : If this Method fucceeds, the 
 Opera-Compofers may compofe their Differences 
 this Way, and fight it out fairly for the Satisfaction 
 of the Publick. 
 
 But now I think on it, the Opera Houfe may be 
 made Ufe of to fave Charges; befides, it is more 
 commodious, and will hold more Company. 
 
 It is not doubted but great Wagers will attend 
 this Difpute ; but whether or no it will affect South* 
 Sea Stock I cannot eafily forefee. However * * * 
 ****** mav ( ia ppen which God forbid, 
 or that ************ 
 * * * DU t Time only can bring to pafs * * * 
 ***** an j confcquently behoves every 
 good Chriftian to pray for amicable Termination of 
 fo important an Affair. 
 
 In the mean Time we arc all in Tears; the Opera 
 abruptly broken off ; feveral Subfcribers have 
 threatned not to renew. Such Dudgeon as this may 
 end in the Downfal of the Opera its fdf : and then 
 
 adieu
 
 *The Devil to pay at St. James' s. 2 1 7 
 
 adieu to all, to all that's Grand, Happy or Polite. 
 Senefmo is difgufted to the laft Degree to fee himfelf 
 negledted, and fuch a Buftle made about thefe two 
 Madams ; he curfes the Directors, damns the Opera, 
 finks the Compofers, and bids the Devil take the 
 whole Town : He fwears like a Trooper, and raves 
 like a Madman ; and being a little Delirious, he 
 
 went the other Day to offer himfelf to Mr. H y, 
 
 to officiate as Clerk in his Oratory ; the Dr. treated 
 him very handfomely, but told him no fuch Thing 
 could be done ; at the fame Time referring him to 
 the 23d Chapter of Deuteronomy, with which he was 
 not very well fatisfied; but U who accompanied him 
 thither, finding himfelf qualified, and being heartily 
 fickof the Pomps of this Wolrd, and the Vanities of 
 a Court, had refolv'd to lead a new Life, to quit his 
 old Company and Courfes, and become a Miracle of 
 Sanctity. He has befpoke a Dozen of Bands of a 
 noted Milliner in the Palmall, and goes every Day 
 to Mr. W ", of St. James's, to learn to fing 
 
 Pfalms, and cannot bear an Opera Song. So tho- 
 rough and fudden a Reformation is Matter of great 
 Speculation to all Mankind. However, the Orator 
 is loth to truft him, and has already given him a 
 handfome Denial. This has fo nettled him, he is 
 refolv'd to break the Oratory, and is hourly teazing 
 the Quaker to fet up a Conventicle in Oppofition, 
 offering to go his Hcilves. Herelikewife he has no 
 Succefs ; for a certain great Lady, who {hall be 
 
 namelefs, is fo defparate fmitten with Friend G , 
 
 that {he has offered to give up her all without a 
 Penny of Jointure, in Cafe he will not marry, if he 
 will be kept according to the prefent laudable Cuf- 
 torn, me will buy him a Commiflion : and further to 
 tempt him, {he has offer'd him Choice of Tye Wigc.s 
 and Toupees, with a complcat Mourning Equipage, 
 O 4 and
 
 2 1 8 The Devil to pay at St. James 1 .?. 
 
 and every Thing elfe to the Pink of the Mode. Be- 
 fides this, flie propofes to have him taught to Dance, 
 to Sing, to fpeak French, to Fence, and to ride the 
 great Horfe : In fhort, {he propofes to make quite 
 another Creature of him. How far the ill Ufage 
 of the Puritans, added to the Wealth and Beauty of 
 this Lady, may provoke him, I know not, but I am 
 told he hardly knows how to deny her. 
 
 But what is that to the Purpofe ? 'Tis a great way 
 to Gracechurcb-Jlreet, and the Quaker is nothing to 
 compare to the flying Man, who had given the Town 
 a great deal of Diverfion, if the Doctor had not 
 baulk'd him by taking down his Scaffold : There 
 was a World of Company had made Parties for his 
 fecond Operation ; and if this Thing had not hap- 
 pen'd, in all probabi'ity a Subfcription had been 
 rais'd for the Continuance of this Diverfion inftead 
 of the Opera, as being fo much the cheaper. But 
 the Doctor has loft the good Graces of a great many 
 pretty Ladies, ay, and pretty Gentlemen too ; they 
 think, conildering how Fafhions go, he might be 
 civiller to a Stranger, who will doubtlefs call him 
 a very unmannerly Perfon when he comes into 
 his own Country. But before he leaves us, he in- 
 tends, I hear, to difcover his Secret, and propofes 
 to eftablifh Flying Stages all over England', by which 
 Means, Gentlemen of Agility may fly any Diftance 
 in a very fmall Time. For Example, from London 
 to York in an Hour, and in Time proportionable, to 
 any Part of England. This will be of general Ufe, 
 and I hope teach the People of England how much 
 they are indebted to Foreigners for the Improvement 
 of all Arts and Sciences. 
 
 But who would have thought that Peter, the 
 Wild Boy, who appear'd fo Sly and fo Serious, who, 
 1 fay, \vouM have thought that he of all People in 
 
 the
 
 The Devil to pay at St. James'*. 2 1 g 
 
 the World, fhould have any Infight into the Trade 
 of Bafket- making ? but it is certainly true, neither 
 better or worfe ; for it feems he has play'd Tome of 
 his Wild Pranks with a Dairy Maid at Harrow the 
 -/////, whom he has got with Child. Now fliould 
 {he be brought to Bed of another wild Boy, Lord 
 have Mercy upon us ! what (hall we do ? Or how 
 (hall we catch him ? He will certainly be as fleet as 
 a Hare the Minute he is born, as his Father was be- 
 fore him. And if the Child fhould run away and 
 be loft in the W^oods, what a deal of Amufemenc 
 will the Town lofe. But they fay the Dairy Maid 
 is to be brought forthwith to Town, to Lacy's Bag- 
 nio, and to have the Rabbet- Woman's Apartment 
 fitted up for her. She is Daily to be attended by 
 Men-Midwifes, and narrowly to be watch'd by Con- 
 ftables. If fo, we are like to have fome Diverfion, 
 however, this Summer : And no doubt (he will be 
 vifited by a great deal of good Company. But how 
 Can People mind Diverfions, or any Thing elfe, 
 when there is Mourning going forwards ; and how 
 can they think of Mourning for the Coronation, or 
 of the Coronation for the Birth-Day ? In fhort, there 
 is fo much to do, no Body knows where to begin. 
 We are in a Dilemma ; our Paffions are divided bine 
 & inde ; fometimes we weep and lament for the 
 Lofs of our late gracious King ; and then all of a 
 fudden we burft into Tears of Joy, to think what 
 a good King we have in his Stead ; One familiarized 
 to us, One who loves us and our Country ; and 
 that beftdes, we have amoft excellent Queen, grace- 
 ful, gracious, affable, and endow'd with every ami- 
 able Qualification. Our Joy is carried yet farther, 
 when we fee fo numerous and lovely an Iflue, and 
 that in all Probability we (hall never want one, of 
 ihis illuftrious Houfe to fill the Throne of thefe 
 
 Kin"-
 
 220 T&e Devil to pay at St. James V. 
 
 Kingdoms. Then how do we rejoice, how do we 
 ftng and make merry, 'till all of a fudden our Tay- 
 lors and Mantua -makers put us.in mind of our Lofs, 
 by bringing home our Mourning ; then we lament a- 
 frefh, then our Halnts renew the former Impreffions 
 of Sorrow in our Minds ; for who can rejoice that 
 is in deep Mourning from Top to Toe ? Vexation 
 is added to Mourning, wh^n we find they have made 
 *em too long or too fhort, too little or too big, or 
 perhaps have not made 'em at all, but put us off, 
 and given us the Mortification to fee others in the 
 Faftiion before us. This is infuppor table, added to 
 the Impositions of Drapers, Mercers, Milliners, and 
 other Trades-people, who bite our Heads off", and 
 leave us no way of Recovery, but to revenge our- 
 felves by not paying them at all ; the Ladies cry out, 
 Shame on 'em for raifmg their Price to fuch an ex- 
 orbitant Heighth : Good God ! fay they, who would 
 ever have have thought that Bumbazeen fhould be 
 dearer than Italian Mantua ? But thefe Rogues the 
 the Mercers bamboozle the Ladies ; they talk 'em 
 out of their Senfes ; they beat 'em out of their Play; 
 they have a String of Words, which they call the 
 eternal Jingle j thefe they readily vary backwards 
 and forwards, and piay off without Intermiflion; fo 
 that it is an impoffible Thing to recollect ones felf, 
 or know what you are about when a Mercer is ring- 
 ing his Peal in your Ears : There is certainly fome- 
 \vhat of Inchantment in it. In fhort, they are clever 
 Fellows, and the luckieft in Life at baptizing Com- 
 modities : They have their Evening Academies, 
 where they ftudy the Art of Invention; and very 
 wifely judging, that a Name oftentimes gives more 
 or lefs value to a Thing, as it fuits the Inclination of 
 the People, they chriften their Goods a-new as they 
 gvow out of Fafhion, and very often trump up an 
 
 old
 
 The Devil to pay at St. James'*. 221 
 
 old Thing fo fuccefsfully with a new Name, that no 
 Body will imagine it to be the fame. A particular 
 Inftance of this isBumbazeen. What a lucky Thought! 
 I envy the Projector, and would give the \Vorld to 
 be Mailer of the Invention of that fingle Word j but 
 the happy Mercer was a Rogue at the Bottom, and 
 a Piece of a Poet I dare fay ; for he has {hewed him- 
 felf a perfect Mafter of the Art of Borrowing, vul- 
 garly called Stealing ; he has not taken Words, 
 Lines, and Sentences, as our modern Poets do, but 
 by a happy Inverfion and Mutation of Syllables, he 
 makes Words of a quite different Sound and Applica- 
 tion. Give me leave to fancy myfelf a Mercer in a 
 deep Soliloquy, and I will let you fee more of the 
 Matter. 
 
 Poor Linfy Woolfy ! what a Dog of a Tradefman 
 was thy Godfather ; he was, no doubt, fomefheak- 
 ing Small beer Rafcal, or he could never have en- 
 tertained fo mean an Idea j had he lived generoufly, 
 as other Mercers do, drank his Bottle, kept his 
 Country Houfe, a Girl and a Gelding at t'other End 
 of the Town, he never would have thought of the 
 Name Linfy Woclfy ; he would furely have contrived 
 fome pretty foft fmooth gliding Word, that (hould 
 have taken the Ear at once, fomething that fhould 
 bamboozle People out of their Senfes : Bamboozle j 
 hum ! a good Hint, there's fomething of a Chime 
 in the Word : It has been turned already from the 
 Word Bomba/l ; but it will bear another Turn } let 
 
 me fee Bam-bum-boo-bo-bas-te-tle-tin-Jin- zin- 
 
 zeen ; O no, Zecn is much fofter ; I have it, I have 
 it, Bumbazeen. Thus, gentle Reader, after this, 
 or the like manner, was the Word Bumbazeen 
 brought to Light -, what Succefs it has met with all 
 the Word knows ; fo let us take our Leaves of the 
 Mercers, the Taylors, the Milliners, and all the 
 
 Mechanick
 
 222 Tbe Devil to pay at St. James V. 
 
 Mechanick Tribe ; let 'em raife their Prices, and be 
 d d, we know how to be even with 'em, as I 
 faid before : Come gentle, fweet and courteous 
 
 Readers, you fhai! go along with me to Dr. 5 /'s, 
 
 the Darling, the Delight and Wonder of Mankind ; 
 he (hall make it ?s plain as the Nofe on a Man's 
 Face, that Gulliver was no Romancer j that there 
 is fuch a Place as Lilliput, and fuch People as the 
 Lilliputians^ having lately receiv'd a Prefent from 
 Old Capt. Gulliver of a Lilliputian Sow, who has 
 juft farrow'd nine beautiful Pigs, and alfo a Bo.tr of 
 the fame Specie, the moft lovely that ever Lyes be- 
 held ; the Boar and Sow are much of a Size, each 
 being very near as big as a Dormoufe ; the Pigs are 
 lefs than Imagination can conceive, about the Big- 
 nefs of a Ladybird : But Hogarth the Engraver is 
 making a Print after them, which will give a jufter 
 Idea of them than I can. Thefe Animals are not like 
 our nafty Swine, but certainly the neateft Crea- 
 tures in Life ; they fmcil more fragrant than Mulk 
 itfelf, their Eyes are like Diamonds, their Briftles 
 you wou'd fwear were Silver : Nay, when they are 
 afleep, and don't move, you take 'em for little Silver 
 Toys of the moft curious Workmanmip ; they make 
 no Noife in their Sleep ; but when they are awake, 
 and at Play, they call one another in the moft mu- 
 fical Tone I ever heard, far beyond any thing of 
 Senefino, Cuzzoni or Fau/tina. The Doctor is infi- 
 nitely fond of 'em, as weil he may ; and fuch Crowds 
 of People daily prefs to fee 'em, that it is perfectly 
 inconvenient, and I fear will make him leave the 
 Town fooner than he intended, or defir'd. They 
 are the gentleft, tameft Creatures breathing, and 
 -very docible. The Boar, far different from our 
 Englijh Boars, is exceilively fond of his Mate, and 
 . t qually of his Young. The Doctor keeps 'em in a 
 
 little
 
 The Devi! to fay at St. James'*, 223 
 
 little Silver Box grated at Top ; for, as I faid 
 before, they are prodigioufly clean j they never dung 
 but once a Week, and then they give Notice. In 
 ihort, they are the cleancft, fweeteft, prettieft Crea- 
 tures, I ever faw ; and mould they breed plentiful- 
 ly, I doubt not to fee 'em in every Family of Con- 
 dition : For, Ladies will be glad to have fo great a 
 Novelty at any Price. Another Curiofity is, an exac"l 
 Figure of a Lilliputian Beauty, done by a great Ar- 
 tift of the Country after the Life. As for bringing 
 over any of the People, 'tis impoflible ; our Climate 
 is too grofs, they wou'd be immediately choak'd up: 
 This Figure, however, will give us a clearer Idea 
 of this People, than we could hitherto frame. In 
 ihort, they are the greateft Curiofity England ever 
 boafted of, or perhaps may ; and fliould the Doctor 
 take 'em away fuddenly, 'twill be very uncivil in- 
 deed. I could rehearfe their many other Virtues, 
 as alfo the other Curiofities referv'd by the Captain 
 for his own Ufe ; for Example, a Brobdingnag-\ez t 
 as big as aLincoIn/bire-Qx,znd innumerable otherRa- 
 rities. I had likewife intended to have told who would 
 be in, and who out, when we mould have a New 
 Parliament ; but muft defer thefe, and all other 
 Particulars ; which, as I faid in my Title, could 
 not be ihferted : But, to oblige the World, in a 
 fmall Time, I will publifli an Appendix to this Book, 
 in two Folio Treatifes, which fhall compleat the 
 whole Defign, and take in all and every Particular 
 worthy of Notice. 
 
 POSTSCRIPT. 
 
 Whereas the Wits of theTown are mightily taken 
 with the Lilliputian Meafure, and we hear have 
 fhrunk their Verfes to two Syllables in a Line ; thefe 
 ; are to give Notice, that the Author is preparing for 
 the Prefs an ODE, which fhall contain but a Syl- 
 lable and a half in a Line. A N
 
 An Epitaph on a GREYHOUND, 
 
 To the Memory of 
 
 SIGNOR FIDO, 
 
 an Italian of good Extra&ion ; 
 
 who came into England, 
 
 not to bite us, like moft of his Countrymen, 
 
 but to gain an honeft Livelihood : 
 
 He hunted not after Fame, 
 
 yet acquir'd it : 
 Regardlefs of the Praife of his Friends, 
 
 but moft fenfible of their Love : 
 
 Tho' he liv'd amongft the Great, 
 
 he neither learn'd nor flatter'd any*Vice : 
 
 He was no Bigot, 
 tho' he doubted of none of the Thirty-nine Articles j 
 
 and if to follow Nature, 
 and to refpecl: the Laws of Society, 
 
 be Philofophy, 
 he was a perfect Philofopher, 
 
 a faithful Friend, 
 an agreeable Campanion, 
 
 a loving Hufband, 
 
 diftinguifh'd by a numerous Offspring, 
 all which he liv'd to fee take good Courfes : 
 
 In his old Age he retir'd 
 to the Houfe of a Clergyman in the Country, 
 
 where he finim'd his earthly Race, 
 and died anHonour and anExample to the wholeSpecies, 
 
 Reader, 
 
 This Stone is guiltlefs of Flattery ; 
 
 for he to whom it is infcrib'4 
 
 was not a Man, 
 
 but a 
 
 GREYHOUND.
 
 NOTES 
 
 AND 
 
 MEMORANDUMS 
 
 Of the Six DAYS, preceeding the Death of a 
 
 late Right Reverend Containing many 
 
 remarkable Pafiages, with an INSCRIPTION 
 degfin'd for his Monument. 
 
 Non merer is G te voles, fed vivus ac< 
 
 tberiis veffus quails Enochus equis. 
 
 Dr. BENTLEY. 
 Printed in 1 7 1 5. 
 
 .a-************************************, 
 
 THURSDAT March 10. 1714. 
 
 ^jhiicquid erlt Vites^ fcribam^ Color. HOR. 
 
 ROSE at Five : Slip'd on my Morning Gown : 
 Purified my Outfide. Meditated on the 
 Vanity of Wajhings^ and the Superfluity of 
 Habits. Walk'd about my Room half an Hour 
 precifely. Exercife ufeful ; throws off corrupt Hu- 
 mours ; much need of it. Look out the Window ; 
 hemm'd three Times ; much eafier than before. 
 Three Ejaculations for that. Caft my Eyes about. I 
 am pofitive I fee a Romijh Prleft : Omen of an evil 
 
 Import.
 
 226 Notes and Memorandums. 
 
 Import. O ! the Depths of Satan ! Few know them ; 
 I do. Look in the Glafs : Choler begins to rife j Face 
 reddens, Eyes fparkle, Hands {hake, Body trembles. 
 Sad Meditation ! Whence could that Fellow come ? 
 O Rome, Rome f Debaucher of Morals, Seducer of 
 Souls, painted Whore, filthy Abomination ! Great 
 Perturbation of Mind : Sigh for Eafe in the Spirit. 
 Servant enters : Inquire who that Fellow is ? Anfwer- 
 ed, The Small-Coal-Man : Unexpected Exultation, 
 Drawings of Comfort, Gleams of Recovery ! Give 
 my Man Six-pence for the Good News : A Guinea 
 faved in a Doctor. Afk again if he is fure it was the 
 Small-Csal-Man ? Anfwered, Yes. Am fatisfied. 
 Call for my Tea ; Drink thirty Dimes : Read over 
 the Daily Courant : More Work in the North : Dan- 
 gerous Conjunction T Saxony, Sweden. Poor Pro- 
 tejtants ! Few People undirftand the Interefl of 
 Princes : I have been acquainted with all Europe for 
 near half a Century. Company comes in : Politicks 
 interrupted. They flay till Night : Talk of Secret 
 Hi/lory ; I tell a great many Stories : All Friends, 
 every Body pleafed. Retire to my Chamber: Read 
 over a fmall Freatife of my own : Go to Sleep. 
 
 F RID AT Morning. 
 
 - Nonfi male nunc> & ollum 
 
 Sic grit 
 
 WAKED at Three : Great Uneafmefs in 
 the Flejb: Struggle with my Infirmities. 
 Tbefe Things will happen : Better fo than worfe. 
 Lye upon my left Side, get a little Reft ; Dream that 
 I am AeaAy and converfmg with the Ghofts of Em- 
 percrs, Pct>(;> and Kings, Wake in a cold Sweat at 
 
 Five;
 
 Notes and Memorandums. 227 
 
 Five : Call for a Light : Look into Partridge's Al- 
 manack : Some obfcure Hints about a Right Revs- 
 rend : Sick at Heart. March, ay March : Difmal 
 Ides of March ! Abundance of Cxfars died in that 
 Month ; defperate, Lion-like killing Month : Pray 3. 
 little ; Faith and Grace, good Things ; Worldly 
 PofTeflions hard to part with. Rife in a Fright. 
 Confider of my Dream ; Prove myfelf no Prophet* 
 and therefore an unfit Veffel for Vijions of Truth. 
 More Comfort from the Proverb ; Dream of Death, 
 hear of Marriage : New Fears ! Perhaps Son Ttm 
 is married : Better than my dying ftill. Sure he has 
 more Grace ; heartily afraid he has not. Variety 
 of Doubts, Perplexities, and uncertain Anxieties,. 
 Send for Tom. Wifti Radcliffe was alive ; 
 him, he would not come to me. Come to ao Re- 
 iblution. Tom not to be found j A fad Chi:-:. ; Re- 
 folved not to be afraid ; Repeat thr- . Vcrfes of tlie 
 jroth Pfalm, fay, What is Man? three tim< .; ; 
 Call for my Tea ; Tea is infipid, naufeous, offends 
 my Stomach ; Try to expeclorate ; Phlegm vifcid. 
 Bad Signs. Every Thing out of Oraei ; Sup^.ofe 
 I mould bleed ; Signifies nothing ; Yhirr;.? f) :defti-. 
 nated mutt come to pafs. Want Diverfion ; Call 
 for a Pamphlet at Twelve ; Read ov r ' 
 all in my own Commendation ; Grow better ;:p:.<:e ; 
 Order a light Dinner. Drink a GL " --i Sack. 
 New Spirits, new Life. Partridge u Ft- -I, and no 
 Truft in Almanacks, efpecially the Qxfjn;. March 
 as good a Month as any in the Year, Go to Din- 
 ner, eat moderately ; Drink Profperity to trnir 
 High and MightineJJes ; to. Lord Thomas^ Lord 
 John, Lord Charles, and all our Friends. Grow 
 merry ; don't defpair of Lambeth ftill ; He is older 
 jrhan I am ; A good Mar;, a very good Man ; 
 but we muft all die. A fuclJen Qualm comes up&n 
 VOL. I. P me *
 
 228 Notes and Memorandums* 
 
 me ; Retire to my Chamber ; ConfiJer of the 
 Crime of forecafting our Neighbour's Death. Grow 
 worfe, and worfe. Think of my own Age ; Paft 
 Seventy : High Time to fet my Houfe in Order. A 
 Friend from the other End of the Town interrupts 
 me at Eight. Talk of State-Affairs two Hours. 
 Revived with fome good News at firft. Difference 
 among our Friends : Nonfenfe to quarrel. .flVmuft 
 be the Man. Tories may make an Advantage. Tell 
 my Friend a Story that I told to three Kings to the 
 fame Purpofe. Memorandum : He fmiled, and faid 
 he had never heard it before. Servant brings a Bot- 
 tle of Wine. Whifper a great Secret while he is 
 in the Room ; Forgot to apply an old Saying of 
 Queen Elizabeth's ; Refolved to remember it next 
 Time upon the fame Story. Friend takes his Leave, 
 promifes to come to-morrow. Mufe upon my State 
 of Health : Go to Bed ; Think that Repentance it 
 as neceffary as Impeachments. 
 
 SATURDAT, March. 
 
 Afplce venturo l&tantur ut emnia Stzdo / 
 
 ESTED well all Night; Rife at Seven ,- 
 Begin to think of the old Argument about 
 and Prefbyters : Much the fame in the 
 Greek- Refolved to fpend the Morning in writing 
 to Zurich, Geneva, and Holland. Drink my ufual 
 Quantity of Tea firft ; Read the Flying-PoJl j He 
 is an honeft Man : Tells Truth j I muft try to 
 prefer him j Reward* as neceffary for Friends, a& 
 
 Punifhmente
 
 Notes and Memorandums] 229 
 
 Punifhments for High Flyers. Set down to write ; 
 A Letter in French to Van Munden of Utrecht , full 
 of Politicks : A new Scheme for the Barrier : To 
 Le Clerc in Latin about my laft Bock^ with a Note 
 of Fifty Pound : Tell him what I would have him 
 fay of me in his 'Journal) Skill in Antiquities^ Hif- 
 tory, Critical Learning^ Moderation. Leave my Piety 
 to himfelf, Memorandum ; To advife him in his 
 Poftfcript to brand my Enemies in Britain with the 
 Style and Titles of Nebulones impuri^ Ecclefits Pejles^ 
 Rittiutn Fautsres nequijjimi, in Literis & Hiftoria 
 plane Ptteri* After this to fum them up by Name ; 
 To end with fomething like this ; Vivat diutijjime 
 magnum illud Ecclcfue decus^ Hiftoriee & Antiquitatis 
 Injtauratorfelicijjimus. A Letter of Thanks to Zurich: 
 Another to my old Friend who has many Children 
 and Grand- children at Geneva. Refolved to go a- 
 broad to Day. Friend comes. Afahomet and Mu- 
 Jtapha. No more of that. Go out to vifit my Bro~ 
 ther acrofs the \Vater. Nothing venture nothing 
 have : My Cold may go off. Enter into the fol- 
 lowing Dialogue with my Brother. 
 
 Scot. I am glad to fee you well, Brother ; thefe 
 glorious Times give us ail a new Life ; for my 
 pan I fancy myfelf twenty Years younger than 1 
 was ten Months ago. 
 
 Broth. You may do fo ; but I am old, very old ; 
 I can't read your laft Book, but I thank you for it. 
 1 will ask Dr. G -n about it. 
 
 Scot. I have been at feme Pains truly ; but there 
 are fome Things I mould have left out, had I fore- 
 feen how Matters would have happen'd ; they were 
 calculated for fome Fears that are now blown over. 
 
 P 2, Broth*
 
 230 Notes and Memorandums. 
 
 Broth. We can never be too much afraid of the 
 Pope ; the Man of Sin flouriflieth ftill. 
 
 Scot. But now is our Time to lop off his Branches; 
 we fhall fee the Completion of fome Prophecies in 
 the Revelations in our Days, I truft. 
 
 Brotjb. I can't, I can't tell i Interpreters are 
 doubtluJ, and I can't read new. . 
 
 Scot. You have done a great deal of Good in 
 your Time ; Our Ages require us both to leave 
 off Pains-taking. But I can't forbear turning o- 
 ver my beloved Pages ftill ; I own I read Calvin in 
 a Morning ftill, and Buchanan's Pfalms at Night : 
 They pleafe me, and I love to be pleafed. 
 
 Broth. I have done with Pleafure now j The good 
 Woman is departed, and I muft follow. 
 
 Scot. I have had a Cold thefe two Days, and am 
 now alarmed with a Difficulty of Breath ; I muft 
 take my Leave -for fear of the worft. Farewell, 
 Brother ; and if thou fee me no more, remember 
 there was fuch an one as Scete. 
 
 Broth. Yes, all the World will remember thee, 
 Fare thee well. 
 
 Took Boat at Six ; Meditated on my PafTage 
 from one Side of the Water to the other; Like 
 paffing from this Life into another. Very like it. 
 Cough violently at landing. Walk thro' the Temple: 
 Ioojk up at Tom's Window ; No Light there; He 
 never ftudies ; How then could he write thatLttttr? 
 Omnr.^ otntiia buna dicer e^ & laudare fortunam meam 
 qui Filium babtrem tali Ingcnio praditum. I was 
 ib when I was young ; Happy Days ! They are paft. 
 Cough again ; Get into the Coach : Meditate on the 
 Similitude of Luther to a Pojiillion in his Oil-Coat 
 lufhing through a Dirty Road. Some Wit in it. 
 Doti not reflect upon the Reformation, Am fet 
 
 down
 
 Notes and Memorandums, 
 
 down at Home out of Breath. Help'd up to my 
 Chamber. Rheum tickles fadly. Petforal Lozenges. 
 Little Help. Katch'd more Cold upon the Wa- 
 ter. Look over Baxter's Cordial to fainting Sinners: 
 Revive upon it. Draught of Sack : As good as 
 Baxter. Sold formerly at the Apothecary's only ; 
 Now in every Tavern. Strange Abufe of Creatures ! 
 Thus an Harlot is firft gently ufed by fome Men of 
 Quality, who by often tailing recommends the 
 wicked One; From whence (O fatal Lapfe!) fhe 
 .falls into the Hands of the Multitude, and be- 
 comes the Delight of every vulgar Sinner, and is to 
 be enjoyed at every Houfe of evil Name in the 
 Town. Refolve to think of thefe Things in Bed. 
 Query with myfelf, why my Head runs fo much up- 
 on Similitudes ? Perhaps it may be giddy. Look 
 over the Prayers for the Sick : Farms! Effufions of 
 the Soul edify much. Go to bed betimes. Think 
 to Morrow is Sunday. 
 
 SUN DAT
 
 Notes and Memorandums? 
 
 SUN D AT March. 
 
 jEgrstanie corpse Animus qucs futura feint aut pra- 
 autfibi f<epe vifus ejt provider e. Aucus- 
 
 WA K E at Four : Re flea on the ftrange 
 Somniations of the Night. Remember the 
 Saying of Horace, Velut esgri fomnia : What have 
 J to do with Heathen Poets ? The SoulmuR be im- 
 inortal, but not Dodweir$ Way. dfgill a Fcol ; no 
 Man can be tranjlatedbut from one See to another : 
 There is fome Senfe in that verily : Spe&res, Pointed 
 Fires, Headlefs Mortals, Vifionary Elyziums, Crea- 
 tures of the Fancy. That Part of the Dream about 
 walking on a great Bridge, and falling from thence 
 into a Boundlefs Ocean, where I funk down, and 
 faw at the Bottom Daniel Burgefe, William Penn y 
 fcfr. carries a fine Allegory. Nothing at all in it 
 however. The Lord has more Work for me to do 
 ftill. Call for my Man 'Jonathan. Brings a Can- 
 dle: Fancy Joraiban looks like Death. Say a 
 Prayer and a half of my own. Jonathan and I rea- 
 fon thus about his being Death : 
 
 Majl. Suppofe you are Death t tell me what you 
 would fay to me now, 'Jonathan. 
 
 Jonath. I Death ! No, Sir, I can't be Death, 
 nay, I am no Relation of his ; never faw him in my 
 Life, Sir.
 
 grofs 
 
 Notes and Memorandums. 233 
 
 Thou Man of carnal Understanding, and 
 Ignorance : Thou and every Worm, (for what 
 15 Man but a [form;] are related to him : Life and 
 Death are akin, as much as Flefli and Corruption : 
 Therefore fuppofe thyfcif Deatb y and fpeak to me 
 in his Name. 
 
 Jonatb. In the Name of Death then, what is it 
 you would hav Sir. 
 
 Maft. You muft fay, You are come to vtfit me, 
 and afkme fome Queftions; and I will reply to you: 
 This will fortify my Spirits, and make me lefs afraid 
 of real Death, when he approaches. 
 
 Jonatb. I come, Sir, to tell you that you have 
 lived long enough, and enjoyed the good Things of 
 the World : It is not fit you fliould live to be a 
 Week older : your Senfe and Reafon are gone ; 
 you are a Burthen to the Earth ; Repent, and come 
 away with me. 
 
 Maft. That is too much : - You mould have 
 left out Burthen of the Earth, and thofe Things : 
 I fee you don't underftand my Meaning. No more 
 of this. 
 
 Jonathan departs. Think of his Stupidity. It 
 could not be out of Defign : He thinks his Mafter 
 mad. Rife at Seven. Indifpofition encreafes. Send 
 for a Lift of the Lent- Preachers : Make Pijhes at 
 fome Names : Will it come to my turn ? St. An- 
 drews a large Parim: A great many odd Saints Names 
 about this Town fhould be abolifhed. The Alma- 
 nacks ought to be corrected: Red Letters Abomination. 
 Refolve to fee no Body to Day. Refolve to drink 
 three Quarts of Water-Gruel inftead of my Tea. 
 Sick, very Tick : Call for my Man : Order him to 
 bring the Folio in Manufcipt, of my own Life and 
 Times. Confider what a great Name I fhall leave 
 behind me. Doctor IVellwood ftole his Memoirs 
 P 4 from
 
 234 Notes and Memorandums. 
 
 from my Converfation. If he has gained a great 
 Reputation, I fhall certainly. Better than Thuanus. 
 Man brings the Book. Begin to read : An excellent 
 Preface : Very happy at Prefaces. Courts of 
 Charles and James : Juggling? Tricking? Mijlreffes,, 
 Whores Spiritual and Temporal? French Money , more 
 Money ; : Slavery? Popery? Arbitrary Power? Liberty? 
 Plots? Italy? Geneva? Rome? Titus Oates 3 Danger- 
 fitld ? Money again ; Peace? War? War? Peace ', 
 more Money. Lay down the Book. Reflect how I 
 
 came to know all this: Lord L ale? a good 
 
 deal : R /, a good deal more : The King fome. 
 
 Conferences with great Men : Informations : Mul- 
 titudes of Pamphlets. Cabineited twice in one Day : 
 Abfconded a Week : Appeared again : Run away : 
 JHaffenus hac : Call for Dinner : Dine alone. Wifli 
 Health to Friend Benjamin. Hear a knocking at the 
 Don. : Two Letters out of the Country : One from 
 Gtnria. Mem. To anfwer the Letter this Night. 
 Afk my Man how I look ? Anfwer'd, Better than 
 when he played the Part of Death to me. Sicken 
 immediately after Dinner. Fumes ! want of Di- 
 geftion. Drink a Glafs of Wine. Try to go to 
 Sleep^in my eafy Chair : Nod a little : Wake bet- 
 ter. Return to my Book: Read and drink Tea till 
 : Much about myfelf : Vacancies of Places ; 
 Bifljfprukj? JDeanaries? Livings : New Oaths : 
 CArgy-obllinate, Sherlock alone : South and Sherlock : 
 Femvick? Collier. Parliament againft us. Tcries 
 prevail: Miferable Times : Preach againft them. 
 Interrupted : Friend comes in by Jonathan's Miftake, 
 Good News however : All of our Side, Publick 
 Juftice : No Security like it. Talk of indifferent 
 Matters. Pity poor L- rd Thomas's Son. It 
 niufl be difiblved. Afflictions fall to the Righteous: 
 Sons are ftrange eiddy Things : Think of my Tom. 
 
 Read
 
 Notes and Memorandums. 2 3 
 
 Read a Page of my Book to my Frieod : He is in 
 Raptures. I am much better : Talk cheerfuly j 
 Drink fome Sack : Clock ftrikes Nine: He goes. 
 Walk about a little. Feet weak. Giddinefs in the 
 Head. Call for my quilted Cap. Look on the 
 Glafs. Cap falls over mine Eyes : Sad Token. 
 New Fears. Mem. To fend for a Phyfician in the 
 Morning : Humane Means neceflary j Man muft 
 co-operate. Grow worfe : Go to Bed. Forget that 
 it was Sunday. 
 
 MO N DAT March. 
 
 Nemo mortalium omnibus Horn fapit. LILLY. 
 
 T\T O Folding of the Hands to Sleep, no Slum- 
 X\ ber all Night : Can't lye in Bed for Fear. 
 Rife at one : djlbma a fatal Diftemper. Confider 
 much how my Lungs mould bediftemper'd : Ufed 
 them with great Vehemence in my younger Days. 
 Could not leave it off at laft. Think if it could 
 proceed from fome other Reafon. Hope not. I 
 don't remember all : All from the violent Pulpit- 
 Motions : Could not poffibly help it : The Power 
 of the Spirit certainly ftraitned the Organs of the 
 Body. Call my Servant in hafte : Send for Opium 
 and Balfams : Flejh is Grafs. Certainly Grafs. Life 
 is like many Things ; a Shadow^ a Bird^ a Line in 
 the Water , an old Story : Fumus, b" umbra Jimus, 
 a good Motto for a Chimney , or a Black-Gown : Head 
 fwims : Get out Tories : I have nothing to fay to 
 
 you.
 
 you. , 
 S t 
 
 36 'Notes and Memorandums] 
 
 A Perverfe Generation. Convocation. Dr. 
 Let them do what they will. No good. 
 Chaplains too. Honcft Ben. A double Portion for 
 him. Frefent Settlement. Kiffing goes by Favour. 
 Butter tke Rooks Neft, faid Sir, Thomas Wiat at the 
 Reformation, and then you may do what you plcafe, 
 
 to Grcut Cafar, to little Ctefar. Another 
 
 good Saying of Sir Thomas^ It is a Jt range Thing 
 Man can't repent of his Sins, %uithout the Leave of 
 ire Pope. Pfhaw, how carne the Pope into my 
 Head ? Give me the Drops ; I'll try to forget every 
 Thing. Doze 'till Four. Opium an excellent Me- 
 dicine. Many Debates in my Mind about a proper 
 Do6lor. Dr. //"' - d, he is my Countryman ; 
 <Ion't care to truil him ; Garth, he will laugh at me 
 and tell Stories ; Why can't a Man do without 
 them ? Necef&ry Evils. Refolve to afk Advice of 
 'Jonathan about it. Give my Mind to Contempla- 
 tion ; William the Conqueror ; Rufus ; The Tlrird^ 
 Happy Day ! Grand Reiterative ; Pleafant to think 
 of thefe Tilings ; Cough again twice. Diftempers 
 will not be flattered ; I wim they would. No Body 
 could do it better. "Jonathan comes in ; Looks with 
 a fad Air. Don't like fuch Looks at all. Order the 
 Family to come up Stairs at Seven j Refolved to 
 Breach before them extempore. Not much matter 
 what the Text is ; Eafy to run off from the Subject, 
 and talk of the Times. Late Order about Preaching : 
 It cannot relate to Chamber -Practice. Bid my Man 
 iet the Great Chair ready. Family comes up. Survey 
 them with Delight; The Damfel Jane has a wicked 
 Eye ; Robin fcems to meet her Glances ; Unfanfti* 
 tfed Vejjels! Children of Wrath ! Lufi cf the Eye. 
 Evil Concupifcence. No Flock without thefe Evil 
 Ones. Look again at Jane : A Tear cf Penitence 
 in her Eye j Sweet Drops ! Grace triumphs, Sin 
 
 lies
 
 Notes and Memorandums^ 237 
 
 lies dead. Wifh Tom were prefent ; He might be 
 reformed. Confider how many Sermons it is prob- 
 able Tom hears in one Year ; Afraid not one. Alas 
 the Temple ! alas the Temple ! The Law eats up 
 Divinity ; It corrupts Manners, raifes Contentions 
 among the Faithful, feeds upon poor Vicarages, and 
 devours Widows Hotifes 'without making long Prayers: 
 Alas the Temple ! Never liked that Place fince it 
 harboured Sacheverall : He certainly fpread an In- 
 fection there. A Swimming of my Head > Seem to 
 hear the Noife of Tumults, Riots, Seditions : Frefti 
 Noifes of High Church, the Dcttor : What would 
 the Multitude have ? Why are they incenfed ? Who 
 of our Order has offended ? Impeach, Silence, Hangj 
 Beheaded! That the Name of a Man fhould turn 
 one's Head to a Giddinefs! Say a ftiort//z^rtf /Prayer: 
 Cool by degrees. 'Jane petitions not to hear the Ser- 
 mon, but make her Beds. There is no dealing with 
 youthful Inclinations , They are unfteady in every 
 Path ; They leave the dire& Way ; Walk in bye- 
 Places and Corners. Give her Leave to depart. Re- 
 folved within myfelf to deny Robin to go, if he 
 
 fhould afk. Robin afks. Reprove him thus ; 1 
 
 .have watched your mutual Temptations, and the 
 Snares you laid for each other ; You Robin, I fay, 
 and theDamfel Jane: Forbear your Iniquity, ftrug- 
 gle with Sin ; make not Excufes to follow the Hand- 
 maid : Thou malt ftay here, and hear and edify. 
 Prepare to preach ; Hem thrice ; Spread my Hands ; 
 Lift up my Eyes ; Attempt to raife myfelf ; Sink 
 backwards ; Faint fuddenly } Don't know what is 
 done for half an Hour ; Awakened to Life by cold 
 Water, and many Cries ; Rub my Eyei} Afk 
 where I have been? Servants tell me ftrange Things. 
 All prefs for a Doctor ; Confent ; lent for Garth. 
 Think of a Chapter in Praife of Phyjicians ; No 
 
 Commentators
 
 238 Notes and Memorandums, 
 
 Commentators guefs who was the Author. It muft 
 be Apocryphal : Never was but one Saint of the 
 -Faculty : Hei tnihi ! Religio Medici : Where fhall 
 one find more than the Title ? Send for Mr. Boyle's 
 Receipts ; He was an excellent Man; I knew him. 
 Read in the Book ; For a Cough^ Honey and Brim- 
 
 Jlone. Can't take it; Fling away the Book. 
 
 Garth comes ; Takes up Mr. Boyle's Receipts : Be- 
 gins to fall into a Difcourfe with me to this Purpofe, 
 looking into the Title Page : 
 
 Dotf. Sir, I am forry to fee you fo ill ; but Egad 
 I think you deferve it, if this Piece of Quackery has 
 been your Regimen ; An idle, trifling Colle&ion of 
 old Womens, Corn Cutters, and Farriers Recipes : 
 Is this a Directory for a Man of your Parts, and 
 Senfe? 
 
 Patient. Why Do ft or ; Mr. Boyle was a great 
 Man, and kept Company with the beft Pkyjicians 
 of the Age, and was refpe&ed by them. 
 
 Doff. So I keep Company with fome great Di- 
 vines ; but the Devil is in it if any Man will there- 
 fore fay, that I am a Parfon. 
 
 So Diamonds take a Luftre from their Foil, 
 And to a Bentley 'tis we owe Charles Boyle. 
 
 Not Rolert, Egad ! It is true, he is a good Na- 
 
 turalift; The World are obliged to him ; but 
 
 for Phyflck, is as great a Dunce as the late Rad~ 
 cllffe. 
 
 Patient. But, Doctor, to the Purpofe; I will 
 give up Boyle, and Raddiffe .too, if you will but 
 tafe me. 
 
 Doff. I can no more promife that, than you can 
 to fave me j I know you hate Infallibility in all 
 
 Faculties ;
 
 Notes and Memorandums. 239 
 
 Faculties : But I will try, for it is Pity to Icofe a 
 good Horfg 9 tho' a Man has twenty Sets : Let us fee 
 your Hand \ by Jove I don't like it. 
 
 Patient. Don't fhake your Head fo, dezrDotfor: 
 Tell me plainly what Hopes you have of me ; I 
 don't love to be flatter'd, I never flatter'd any Body 
 myfelf. 
 
 Dott. No ! That's ftrange indeed j flatter 
 
 no Body, I wonder how you lived fo long then. 
 Come, put out your Tongue^ that muft be viewed 
 too. 
 
 Patient. . Why, Doctor, you don't pretend to tell 
 by onis Tongut 'whether one has flatter'd or no : 
 Come, to oblige you fee it 
 
 Dotfor. A it range Tongue ! an unflattering Tongue 
 truly : For it tells a fad Truth, I am fure, at pre- 
 fent. 
 
 Patient. Pray what's that. 
 
 Doft. Only you have got a lurking Fever ; and 
 your Church Bellows are fo inflamed, that I dare 
 prognosticate, tkey can't blow much longer. 
 
 Patient. Ay, DoEtor^ I have ufed them, I fear, 
 with too much Vehemence : They have been fervice- 
 able Lungs for our Caufe. But give me a little bet- 
 ter Comfort before you leave me. 
 
 Doff. If Blood-letting^ Coolers, Lambatives, and 
 Pectorals, are Comforts, I {hall prefcribe you enough, 
 never fear ; But I have your own Word, not to 
 flatter you. 
 
 Patient. But do you think I may weather it, pr 
 how long is it probable I fhall laft ? 
 
 Doff. 'Till you ftink, as far as I know : You 
 fliould have fent for me fooner j and yet I am not 
 certain, but that you may furvive it. I would have 
 youchearup, Son of Thunder : A good Spirit is art 
 half Cure in many Cafes : Befide, I know you black 
 
 Gen-
 
 240 Notes and Memorandums. 
 
 Gentlemen have a good trick at deceiving the D 1 
 It is your Bufmefs to do it ; ftand upon your guard ; 
 tor it is pro Arts f? Focis, now. 
 
 Patient. I will, I will ; But prithee don't be 
 
 fo irreligious, Doctor ; I have a great Refpedl for 
 your Conftancy in a good Caufe, and your Name 
 has done us Service in Verfe and Profe. 
 
 Doft. Why, Sir, have you the Vanity to think 
 that Religion ever did our Caufe any Service I If that 
 comes into your Head, and youfqueak at lajl^ it is 
 time for me to bid you good Night. 
 
 Patient. I will do any thing you order me ; but I 
 muft confefs, that I begin to think a Man can't die 
 eafily without Repentance. 
 
 Doff. Farewel then ; my Time is paft ; there can 
 be no Hopes if you talk at this Rate : I'll tell the 
 Kit-Cat Club of you, and it fhall be known to eve- 
 ry Man at Court that you die like a Pedant. 
 Farewell. 
 
 Confider with myfelf what the World will fay 
 if this Dialogue is made publick : Yet it is true. 
 Moft Doflors fo : A great Pity in aMan of his Parts. 
 Call for my Servant. Refolve to forget Garth was 
 with me. Order the Man to read a Chapter in the 
 Revelations. Nothing about me there : Yet I am fick : 
 I will feek the Lr.rd in Prayer : Praying, a mighty 
 
 K)d Thing. No Help in it. Apothecary comes : 
 alk with him about the Doffor. Shakes his Head. 
 Talks over Words I don't underftand : Refolve to 
 follow his Advice however. Takes his Leave with 
 three Bows. Meditate on the Vanities of Refpe#, 
 and Art of Compliments. Beft Things corrupted 
 are the worft. Good Manners neceflary. Stomach 
 begins to recoil : What {hall I do ? Much Dubita- 
 tion. Go to Bed: Order another Chapter to be 
 
 read
 
 Notes and Memorandums. 24 1 
 
 read ^y my Bcdfide. Ij'aiab talks finely, and rap- 
 turoufly. It is not worth while to live : It is. Re- 
 cant all Things : Suppofe the Metropolitan mould 
 An excellent Suppoficion. Grow much worfe. Sleep, 
 O Sleep ! but it will not come. Tofs, and think of 
 ten thoufand Things all Night. 
 
 TUESDAT. 
 
 Dum Teftamenta condimus Htsredil&titiamparamus, 
 
 GROT. 
 
 JHJlulit clarum clta Mors Achillem, 
 
 Longa Tithonm minuii Senedtus. Hoa* 
 
 MIND difturbed with Fears all Night : Fan* 
 cy I (hall not recover. Who wiil fucceed 
 me ? Who is worthy ? Me mortuo mar la & terrtf 
 commifceantur ! A little prophane : Tom might have; 
 faid it : It had become him. Servant enters. Order 
 him to bring my JVtll : Read, In the Name of God, 
 
 I bequeath my Worldly Goods in Form an4 
 
 Jl f>t finer following. It is very moving, melts the 
 very Heart of me : What will become of poor Tim ? 
 Money will make him mad. Sad Thoughts ! That 
 an Harlot or a Sharper {hould devour die Fruits of 
 my Spiritual Labours ! Think how odd Succeffions 
 are in fome Families ; a Parift) Boy rifes into a Di- 
 vine, a Divine mounts to a B k ; his Son a 
 Corrupt! 3 optitni fit PeJ/ima. Thus the Lord 
 the Vanities of human Creatures ! The 
 Heathens
 
 242 Notes and Memorandums. 
 
 Heathens called this Fortune. Great Ignorance? 
 Look upon the Will again j Item, I give to the Poor 
 
 cf, &c. Great Mind to (cratch that Paragraph 
 
 out. Muft give them fomething too. Charities are 
 abufed : Refolve to afk Tom's Opinion about it : Hi 
 ftudies the Law. Tom comes to fee me. More 
 than I expected : The Powers of Grace not quite 
 extinguifhed ! He looks as if he had been crying : 
 Poor Soul ' What, for me ? Perhaps fitting up and 
 Drinking might make his Eyes look red : Begin to 
 fear it was that. Grow pofitive in the laft Opinion. 
 Tom afks me how I do. Kind, very kind. Talk 
 with him thus : 
 
 Path. You fee, Thomas, that this frail Body, this 
 Tabernacle of Clay, is haftning to its DhTolution : 
 You will lofe me in a {hort Time i I am ready to 
 be fnatched from your Eyes. 
 
 Tom. The Will of the Lord be done. 
 
 Path. That is very pious indeed, Tommy ; I fee 
 you have not forgot all your Scripture : But you owe 
 feme dutiful Wimes to me ftill ; you would not have 
 me die, Son, I am fure. 
 
 Tom. I am not fure of that: If you Jive, Pen and 
 Paper , Print and Publijh, are the Words : If you 
 die, five Thoufand at leaft: I fliall neither turn 
 Miftr nor Ufurtr. 
 
 Path. Ay, Thou haft hit upon two Things, that 
 grieve me much : In the firft place, I defire you 
 would never dabble with your Ink -Pot any more : 
 Read more, and write lefs : Don't forget a Chapter- 
 in. Proverbs every Day 
 
 Tom. Sir, if you pleafe, I'll drink your Health ; 
 I can't hear all this Stuff for nothing : What has the 
 Scripture to do with the Law, only to denounce 
 Woes againft us, and fend us to the D--~ 1 ? 
 
 Path.
 
 Notes and Memvrajidutns. 
 
 Path. Fie ! Be not prophane with unfeafonable 
 Wit : You have, Tom, writ well enough for a 
 young Fellow of no Learning ; but pray leave it off, 
 I command you to do it. 
 
 Tom. Sir, you may command, and I may pro- 
 mife : But it would be ftrange if one who has broke 
 beft Part of all the Commandments, he ever knew, 
 fliould keep yours : I am no more to be depended 
 upon, than the King of France. Stipulate I may* 
 but ftand by it I cannot. 
 
 Path. Give him a Glafs of Sack, Jonathan : The 
 Confeffion is ingenious, and I hope more from thee 
 now, than I could if you had promifed : But look 
 here, Tom, I Jhall leave you, fhall leave you juft 
 
 Tom. I wifh you'd fay fomething,Sir, if you don't 
 die, it may do me Service; for I can borrow 2O/. 
 upon the Reputation of a good Legacy* 
 
 Path. O Thomas, Thomas ! I fee the Iniquities of 
 
 thy Heart : Thy Wiftiea are impious : but I 
 
 will leave you- - 
 
 Tom. Pray, Sir, let me be fure of fomething ; and 
 I know one Way that may make my Legacy doubled 
 in a fliort Time 
 
 Path. What is that Child ? I find you have a 
 thriving Genius, tell me what you mean. 
 
 Tom. Why, a certain Book written by a certain 
 grave Man about certain Times, which I hope certain- 
 ly to publifh, and get a round Sum for the Copy. 
 
 Path. Tom, I have taken care of thee : Thou 
 ihalt have nothing to do with it : Depart, Sir, I 
 want to meditate alone. 
 
 Tvm. Well, if" I never fee you any more . * 
 
 Farewel. 
 
 Meditate on my Difcourfe with Tom, Defpair of 
 
 him, and myfelf* It grows upon me. Languor of 
 
 VOL, I./ Q/ * Spirits.
 
 244 Notes find Memorandums. 
 
 Spirits. Garth comes again : Look indifferently at 
 him : He Tings and repeats Verfes : Twirls his Cane : 
 Tells a Story of my L d Thomas : Feels my Pulfe: 
 Talk about my Journey's End. I tell him an Ao 
 cru'st of my Life: Cry profufely at the End of it. 
 The Doctor fmiles : An Infidel no doubt. Afk him 
 ferioufly about my Condition: Very bad : He fays I 
 in \y eat and drink any Thing that I can : Nothing 
 en me better or worfe : Miferable Sentence! Defire 
 Garth to give my Bleffing to a young Nobleman of 
 great Hopes, and make him a Compliment in my 
 Name. Think what the World will fay of it after 
 I am dead : Imagine myfelf that it looks heroicat, 
 and with an Air of a great Soul. The World ought 
 to be cheated. Feel many Apprehenfions within my- 
 felf: Refolve to fay nothing of them. Put a good 
 Face upon a bad Matter. Fain live to fee what this 
 Parliament will do : There muft be glorious Work : 
 If I fhould not, the World will lofe a good Speech ; 
 Refolve to give it away, and order it to be printed in 
 my Name : A Speech defigned to have beenfpoke at the 
 
 Tryal of- It will do very well. Dottor afks me 
 
 what I am muling on ? Tell him. He approves the 
 Project : Repeats ten Lines about Death, ftolen from 
 Heathen Poets, and Common-Place Books. 
 
 T0 die, is landing on fome fjlent Shore, 
 Where Tempejls never break^ nor Billows roar. 
 
 Afk him about an Epitaph ? Replies he can't write 
 Latin, that his lafi Dedication ranfacked all he had 
 J but he will try to get a fine one. Thank him : 
 Give him ?. Ring that a great Man gave me to re- 
 member him. He jefts upon me, and fays I mif- 
 t. ic my 1 refent, it fhouid be left to my Executors, 
 .lakes his Leave, repeating Virgil;
 
 Notes and Memwanthimsi 
 
 ** Dona Damatas tnibi quam dedit olim 9 
 Et dixit moriens, Tenunc habet ifta fecundum* 
 
 Meditate how pleafant Life is to carelefs Tempers: 
 A great Duke died with as little Ceremony* and as 
 good an Air, as he went out of the Room. It is 
 Wonderful ! Call my Man : Drink forne Cordial ; 
 Try to compofe myfelf. Meflengers every Minute, 
 from great Folks, to know how I do : Smile, and 
 fend a great many Compliments to them all. Think 
 of what Importance I am to the World : A Kind- 
 nefs ought not to be forgotten : When old DrJF( 
 was ill, I ufed to fend every Day to know how ho 
 did : I fucceeded him without my ownfeeking.Two 
 Footmen from Foreign Ladies : It is mighty kind ; 
 I can't do them any Service now : Return a thou- 
 fand Thanks. Cajl for a Bundle of Papers ; Order 
 fome of them to be burnt : Put me in mind of the 
 Ufage fome of my Writings received from the Pub- 
 lick : Vain Spite ! They will live ; they have a Spi- 
 rit of Immortality. Spend all the Afternoon in re- 
 turning Compliments, and giving Orders about my 
 Papers. Grow worfe at Night : Fancy Tea would 
 do me good : Drink twenty Dimes : All in vain : 
 Sudden Fit of Convulfions. Am put to Bed. My 
 Head feels delirious : Variety of ftrange Thoughts. 
 Order a Man to fit by me all Night. Refolve to 
 minute every Thing I can remember of myfelf 'till 
 I depart this Life,
 
 346 Notes and Memorandums. 
 
 WE DNE S D A r, March. 
 
 Tu Pateres, tu Patronus, ne deferas. TER. 
 
 MUCH difturbed all Night with a Cry in my 
 Ears, The Church, The Church : The worft 
 of all the London Cries. Wake at Six : My Inflam- 
 mation encreafed with preaching in my Sleep againft 
 the IWwe of Babylon. Call for the Cordial : Small 
 Relief. Vehement Temptations in my Soul to break 
 Charity with Doctor 5, and many others. Strive 
 with the Iniquity : Overcome it by Degrees. Seem 
 to fee a Spirit : Frighten'd into a fudden fhivering : 
 Bid my Man keep near me always, and not ftir out 
 of the Room : Order him to bring a Glafs : My 
 Eyes look funk in my Head : My Nofe is fharpened, 
 pinched up at the End : My Nails not turned how- 
 ever : Poor Hopes. Repeat Pfalms out of Buchanan. 
 That is not right. Latin no fit Language to pray in : 
 Hopkins and Sternhold much better : Say three Stan- 
 sw's foftly. Hear Garth coming up Stairs : Now 
 for my laft Sentence : How fliall I receive it ? What 
 fliall I fay to him ? Order my Servant to give Ten- 
 Pieces : That may foften him perhaps. He comes 
 in Singing : Looks with a bad Afpe6l : Recommends 
 an Undertaker to me. Sigh often. The Doctor 
 fmilesj bows, and fays, No good can be done ! Sad 
 Words } Abundance of Servants with Meflages tcr 
 
 know
 
 Notes and Memorandums. 247 
 
 know my Condition : Send Word little Hopes : 
 Think within niyfelf about Church Prayers : Inef- 
 fectual. Confider of my Funeral : Private Inter- 
 ment : No Vanities, and Ceremonies : Privacy makes 
 a Man more enquired after. No High Church, not 
 a Man : Eafy to infult a Dead Lion. Send for a 
 particular Friend : Comes immediately : Wifh him 
 to fend Le Clerc an Account of me : Defire the good 
 Man to do me Juftice. In two Languages at lead : 
 To hint that the World may expect my famous Po/f- 
 hurnous Work : Say all the kind Things of it imagi- 
 nable : Every Body in Holland will believe it. Re- 
 flecT: That a Prophet is not renowned in his own Coun- 
 try. My Enemies numerous : Good Fortune to o? 
 vercome fo many of them. Bar-le-Duc : Can't help 
 thinking of Politicks. Ought to remember my Sins. 
 
 K t's Doctrine of Repentance very comfortable 
 
 to Perfons of Diftin&ion : Right or Wrorjg a ftrong 
 Faith is all. Let the World alone, and that will 
 let you alone ; a plaufible Sentence ! But how fhall 
 a Man retrain the Ardency of the Spirit, or ftop the 
 lllufions of Grace I A Thought about Funeral 
 Sermons and Rofemary. I preached many full of 
 Panegyricks : They will rife up againft me : Con- 
 faience^ O ! Confcience : Call for a Glafs of Sack : 
 Make a long Soliloquy in the Poftulations with my 
 jown Heart : Get the Better of all Qualms that rife 
 from paft Adventures. Refolved to leave my New 
 Model of Church Government to be printed after my 
 Death : Many Faults in the prefent Scheme : Re- 
 commend it to Benjamin's Perufal ; Give him a full 
 Liberty to add and improve. Think what a Noife 
 it will make in the World : The Works of a great 
 Man follow him. Confider how to mortify fome 
 vain Thoughts rifmg in my carnal Mind. Tfae 
 d 3 Words
 
 J4& Notes and Memorandums. 
 
 XVords of Solomon : In writing many Booh is muck 
 Folly : Meant only of foolim Books. Pray a little. 
 Refolve to fupport my Spirits by fending Meffages to 
 feveral Pcrfons of Diftindlion, Death is like a 
 Thief: Ufe him in his own Way : Steal as much 
 from him as I can. He is alfo like a Serpent : There 
 tyere Ways of old to charm Serpents : A cunning 
 Animal, Art? againft Arts, neceffary. All Methods 
 of Deceit that are practicable, are good upon juft 
 Occafions : None more proper than the prefent. 
 Order a Chapter to be read, Order it to be let alone. 
 Enquire aftcr\Ti?w ; No Meflage from him all Day : 
 Wonder at his Want of Filial Piety, his Manners, 
 his Life, his Letters : Try to get him out of my 
 Head : He grieves me : Hope he may Reform : 
 Years of Difcretion mufr. come. Inflammation in- 
 creafes mightily : I can't live 'till to-morrow : Re- 
 foived to order my Man to take down all I fay when 
 I looie my Senfes : Bid him get Pen, Ink, and Paper 
 ready. There is a great deal of Difcovery in thofe 
 JLapfodia ; the Mind acls more freely when the Or- 
 gans of the Body are affected by Sicknefs : Totm 
 comes in, and overhears my Orders : Talks with 
 me about Madnefs : Very impudent and ungracious .- 
 Order him to read a Serman : Takes out a Bock and 
 reads a Piece of Nonfenfe of Sacheveral's : Calls 
 him Fcol and Blockhead : He pretends to explain his 
 Meaning: Ridiculous, very ridiculous-: Defire him 
 to depart : He fays, he'll drink a Bottle and come 
 again : Glad to get rid of him, with a Blefling un- 
 afk'd for. Find my Head grow delirious ; order Jo- 
 nathan to be in Readinefs to write : He writes. 
 
 O ! My Head Take care of the Bed, it is 
 
 all in Flame. Jofiuathe loth, and Verfethe I2th. 
 The White Horfe in the Revelations; I am no Ra-
 
 Notes and Memorandums. 149 
 
 cer, do'nt love Horfe-matches, Give me a Tea- 
 
 Kettle j more Sugar, 1 will make a Speech, a 
 
 Speech for them, and againft them ; 1 remem- 
 ber more Actions, Sayings, Speeches, Revclu 
 Plots, Difcoveries, than any M:m in Europe : Here 
 is a Paper of an hundred Names : Here is a Lift of 
 Plotters, Seditioners, Rioters : Now is our Time 
 'or never what have we to do with the French 
 King ; it muft be demoliftjed) it mall be demolijhed : 
 There is no Peace to the Sinner, no Treaty with the 
 Devil : Give me leave to ftate the Matter fairly : 
 Read over that again. That is not at all ma- 
 terial : Order that Paper to be burnt by the common 
 Hangman. Why, here is nothing at all ready. 
 What has that Fellow to do here ? I am not at all 
 afraid -Vanifli Spirits. O! Solomon: O! Solo- 
 mon ! The firft and fecond of Hefler^ I will preach 
 upon that Text. Frogs casie into the King's Bed- 
 Chamber. O ! the Plagues of Confcience ! Give 
 me Room . -If my Lungs did not fail me, I 
 would make it appear that all the Tories in the Na- 
 tion are DiJ/enters, Schifmaticks^ Antl-Monarchlck^ 
 
 rebellious Sons of Diforder and Cqafufion. Who 
 
 is able to expound and explain Articles ? Who are 
 Judges, if we are not ? Let them propofe their 
 Opinions. What that noble Lord obferved is un- 
 doubtedly true : M^ore Dragoons -What 
 would the Fellow have ? Did not I fwear that I 
 would not wear Lawn ? Bow ! who mould I bow 
 
 to The Pope is the moft unreafonable Rafcal 
 
 in the World J will not leave Tom a fmgle Far- 
 thing. Write, its all Nonfenfe. Take care of 
 
 that Book.' -Ge.ilhce behind me Satan. What can 
 they mean in the North. Is there any Proba- 
 bility of his making good his Pretenfions? Spurious, 
 
 proved
 
 250 Notes and Memorandums. 
 
 proved a hundred Times over. But thefe confound- 
 ed Invefiives : What (hall we do with them ? 
 
 America^ Newfoundland! Poor Merchants ! O? 
 That Peace. Let me alone for Divinity : I 
 will maul them on Sundays, Saturdays, LecJure- 
 Days, Charity Sermons. Abel is the greateft Scoun- 
 drel in the World. Let the Convocation alone.- 
 I fay he (hall have a Regiment. Fling them Papers 
 
 into the Fire ; -It is Nonfence to let them be 
 
 tranfcribed : Pray Mr. Churchill take abundance of 
 
 Care of the Letter and Paper : Beware of A- 
 
 bridgments. A new Edition in Ot-tavo. Come 
 
 again to morrow.- My Lord, I am your Lordr 
 
 (hip's.-: Did not I bid you put out that Fire ? 
 
 More Water good Jonathan The Curtains : 
 
 -O my Head ; The World turns up- 
 
 fide downwards. Churches Fall j Salijbury 
 
 Steeple ftands awry- "Take away your leaden 
 
 foand. t .1 No more, I fee it does (land awry.
 
 Notes and Memorandums] 251 
 
 An INSCRIPTION defigned for his 
 MONUMENT. 
 
 Subtus 
 Cintresjatn ttndem quod non ipfe optavit 
 
 In P ACE requief cunt, 
 Vir erat ingeniofatis callido, & verfatitt, 
 
 Nativofolofatniliari ; 
 In rebus f arris Magnus, Fabulojis Major, 
 In Politicis (fe ipji credai] Maximus ! 
 
 Vtritatis cult or adco fidelis, 
 Vt aque in Vita, ac Scriptis elucefat. 
 In Concionartdo acer erat, (vehement indefejjnt, 
 Puriorem Doflrinam babuere multi, 
 Pulmones, & latera robujliora nemo. 
 
 Adeo Rom<e per omnia averfus 
 Ut ad Genevam dtfaatret* 
 Obilt in Uaiverfum Diffentientium, 
 
 Ab Ecc. Angl. luftum. 
 Martiis Cahndis. 
 
 Beneath 
 There lies againlt his own Wifhes, 
 
 A Man at laft in PEACE. 
 Jle was Mafter of a Cunning, various Wit, 
 Agreeable to his own COUNTRY. 
 Great was He in Divinity, in Fable Greater, 
 Jn POLITICS (if you'll believe himfelf) Greateft. 
 
 So faithful a Lover of Truth, 
 That it equally appears in his Life, 
 
 And Writings. 
 A violent, mighty, unwearied Preacher ; 
 
 Many have had purer Dottrine, 
 No one ftronger Sides, and Lungs. 
 So averfe to R O ME in all Points 
 That he almoft approached GENEVA, 
 He died, to the univerfal Grief of the 
 pi/enterf, on the Kaltndt of March. 
 
 The
 
 THE 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 A 
 
 N EiTay on the Ufefulnefs of Mathematical 
 Learning, in a Letter from a Gentleman in 
 the City to his Friend in Oxford. Page 5 
 
 A Brief Account of Mr. John GingUcutfs Trcatife con- 
 cerning the Altercation or Scolding of the Ancients.4o 
 
 A Learned Difiertation on DumpKng ; its Dignity, An- 
 tiquity and Excellence. With a Word upon Pud- 
 ding. And many other Ufeful Difcoveries of Great 
 Benefit to the Publick. 53 
 
 Gulliver Decypher'd; or Remarks on a late Book, in- 
 titled, Travels into feveral Remote Nations of the 
 World. By Capt. Lemuel Gulliver. Vindicating the 
 Reverend Dean on whom it is malicioufly Fatherd. 
 With Some probable Conjectures concerning the Real 
 Author. 75 
 
 Critical Remarks on Capt. Gulliver's Travels. By Doc- 
 tor Bantley. Publifhed from the Author's Original 
 Manufcripts. 1 1 5 
 
 An Account of the State of Learning in the Empire of 
 Lilliput ; together with the Hiflory and Character of 
 Bullum the Emperor's Library-Keeper. Faithfully 
 tranfcribed out of Capt. Lemuel Gullivers General 
 pefcription of Lillifut, mentioned in the 6gth Page of 
 Volume of hh Travels. 141 
 
 The
 
 7k CONTENTS. 
 
 BC otate Quacks, or the Political Botchers j Being & 
 Defcription of the Strange Occurrences of the Frefent 
 Times. 1^2 
 
 An Account of the Sicknefs and Death of Dr. W-dw-d ; 
 
 _ as alfo upon what appeared upon opening his Body. 
 
 In a Letter to a friend in the Country. By Dr. 
 
 Tfce Life and Adventures of Don Biliofo de rEJIomac. 
 Tranflated from the Original Spanijk into French ; 
 done from the French into EngHJb. With a Letter 
 to the College of Phyficians. Jir.no 1719. 182 
 
 The moft Wonderful Wonder, that ever appear'd to the 
 Wonder of the Britijh Nation. Being an Account of 
 the Travels of Mynheer Vtteranus, through the Woods 
 of Germany : And an Account of his taking a moft 
 monftrous She-Bear, who had nurfed up the Wild Boy : 
 Their Landing at the Tower ; their Reception at 
 Court; the Daily Vifits they receive from Multitudes 
 of all Ranks and Orders of both Sexes. With a 
 Dialogue between the Old She-Bear and her Fo/Jer 
 S<m. To which is added, Viri Humani, Salfi, & 
 Facfti Gulielmi Sutherland}, Multarum Artium & 
 Scientiarum, Dofioris Dofiijfimi, Diflema. Written by 
 the Copper Fartbing Deao. J 9 2. 
 
 The Manifefto of Lord Peter. 206 
 
 The Devil to pay at St. James's . Or, A full and true 
 Account of a moft horrid and bloody Battle between 
 Madam Faujtina a: d Madam Cuzzoni. Alfo of a 
 hot Skirmiih between Signer Bofcb'i and Sigror Pal- 
 merini. Moreover, How Senffm has taken Snuff, and 
 is going to leave the Opera, and fing Pfalms at Hen- 
 /iry's Oratory. Alfo, About the Flying-M?.n, and how 
 the Doftor of St. Martinis has very unkindly taken 
 down the Scaffold, and difappointed a World of good 
 Company. As alib, How 2 certain Great Lady is 
 
 gore
 
 e fbe CONTENTS. 
 
 gone mad for Love of William Gibfon, the Quaker. 
 And how the Wild Boy is come to Life again, and 
 has got a Dairy Maid with Child. Alfo, About the 
 great Mourning, and the Fafhions, and the Altera- 
 tions, and what not. With other material Occurren- 
 ces, too many to infer t. 215 
 
 An Epitaph on a Greyhound. 224 
 
 Notes and Memorandums of the Six Days, preceeding 
 the Death of a late Right Reverend Contain- 
 ing many remarkable Paffages, with an Infcriptiott dc- 
 figned for his Monument. Printed in. 1715. 22 j 
 
 FINIS.


 
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