NiA
JTY
THE LIBRARY
OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES
a-
SELECT
ESSAYS,
FROM THE
BATCHELOR;
OR,
SPECULATIONS
OF
Jeoffry Tf^agftaffe, Efq.
DUBLIN:
Printed by James Hoey, jun. at the Mercury m
Parliament-ftreet.
M,DCC,l.XXII.
i2>46
T O
Arthur Dawson, Efq.
^HESE felea Effays are
infcribed, by the Ad-
mirer of his Witj and dif-
tinguiftied Abilities,
Jeoffry Wagflaffe.
Dublin, z^tb O^ober, 1772.
CONTENTS.
No I. JT^AGSTJFFE's letter to Beckfont,
'^ on Mr. Baker'' s method of curing cows,
N° z. On travelling,
N° 3. Predi^ions for the year 1771.
N° 4. Nicholas WeJVs letter, to the Rev. Mr. Bax-
ter, at Corke, nvith an account of the mi-
racles performed at Dr. Lucas's tomb.
N° 5. Peter Sceptic's anfnxier.
N° 6. Defence of Free-thinking.
N" 7. Imitation of the 2i,th Ode of the \Jl Book of
Horace, addrejfed to the Right Hon. J — n
P—nf hy, Efq\
N° 8. Fffay on credulity.
N" 9. Account of the Swaddlers religious tenets.
N° 10. Phocion's letter to Mr. P — a f ■ ■'■ hj, on the
fuljeSi of a land-tax.
N° II. Rujlicus's letter, on the fame fuhjeS.
N° 1 2. Phocion's letter to Arthur Bayley, Efq; ivith
a defence of Mr. P nf hy.
N° 13. Phocion's letter to the Earl of B—fi gh.
N° 14. CharaBers of Fervdus and Fucofus, nvith
Mrs. Gre'vilWs Ode on Indifference.
N° 15. Parthenid's Pinchbeck's letter to Wagjiaffey
&c.
N° 16. A Defence of Cuckoldom, with a dedication to
the Female Coterie,
N° 17. Criticifm on Junius, 'with a comparifon he-
tvjeen him and Sivift,
a 2 N° 18.
vl CONTENTS.
N° 18. Ant ipot aloe's letter from Tipperary, proving^
that all the national grievances are produ-
ced by potatoes.
N° 19. Ofi the modern notions cf politenefs, and the
refinement of manners.
N° 20. Phocion\ criticifm on "Junius'" s fiyle.
N° 2 1 . Account of the debates in the Houfe.
N° 2 2. Panegyrical verfesy addrejjed to H ry
Fl d.
N° 23. Punches letter, and fong, on the appointment
of the Ne-iv Board of Excife.
N° 24. Account of the epidemic difeafes in the Senate.
N° 25. ^evedo's 'vijion, on a Jcheme for the coalition
of parties f by a chirurgical operation on the
occiputs.
N° 26. Imitation of the i 2th Ode of the \Ji Book of
Horace.
N° 27. ^eer-toiun, a political dialogue.
N° 28. Account of the Robin- Hood Society ^ ijuith the
members fpeeches .
N° 29. Continuation of the debates,
N° 30. A Paftoral Ballad.
N° 3 1 . Refolutions of the Robin-Hood Society,
N° 32. A modern Ode, on the infiallation of Sir
Ch s C te, K. cf the B .
N°. 33' A Panegyrick on Dr. Ronvley, nvith an ex-
traQ from his Effay on the Plague.
N° 34. Epigram, on the fecond converfion of Father
J n F — tzg ns, vjith a Comment.
N° 35 • Biogenesis 'vindication of Dr. Lucat's private
Chara(3er.
N° 36. Defence of his political condu^ by Diogenes.
N° 37. Verfes, to the memory of Lady lonjjnjhend.
N° 38, Balladi onDi^Lucat: Air, Hey my Kitten.
N° 39.
CONTENTS.
va
N° 39. Epijile to R—b i J-^ph «, J^j
N° 40. BroghilVs an/aver to Sinder combe.
N** 41. Verax, to J n P — »/ by, Efq;
N° 42. A Sketch of the Political Hijiory of Lord
Touunjhend's Adminifiration.
N° 43. Speculator's EJfay on Lord Sancho's Chara^er
and Temper.
N° 44. Account of the debates in the Houfe of Com-
mons, on the legality of the Neiu Board of
Exclfe.
N'' 45. VeSiigal, on the management of the Revenue.
K" 46. Patriotifm : An Ode.
1*J° 47. Sketches for Caracatures.
N° 48. On the wonderful effeJis of the Finland uueed.
N° 49. Danjid Hume's letter y on the Irijh conjiitution,
in anfnxjer to Jean Jacques Roujfeau.
N° 50. Attild's letter on party ivriiing.
N° 5 X . Prologue to the Plain Dealer, as altered from
Wycherly.
N° 52. Verfes addrefed to G. E. H. Efq-,
N° 53. Verax' s Defence of Lord To^njhend's Admi-
niflration.
" Kiffes : A Poem.
N° 54. Epifle to Gorges Edmond Ho'ward, Efq', 'witb
Notes by Alderman Faulkner,
THE
BATCHELOR.
NUMBER I.
" Mr. John Wynn Baker, F.R.S.havirg praftil'ed, with the great-
" ell fuccelf, a method o! preventing the fatal efFefts attending
*' cattle when fwelled with eating clover, does, at the dcfne
" of the Dublin Society, invite any number of gentlemen of
" the difFeieut counties, to attend at his houfe at Laughlin'-
" town, near Celb.idge,eaily on Tuefday the izth of this intt.
" June, 177 I, when he will, for the faiisfadlion and informa-
" tion of the public, ftiew them the certain good confequen-
" ces aiifing from the above method, by turning a beaft or
" two in perfed health into clover, in order to Iwell them,
" and he will then inftantaneoufly relieve them according to
" his method, in the preience of fuch gentlemen as may be
" upon theifot. — Any farmer or poor man who has cattle,
" (hall be welcome to attend the opera'tion."
From the fever al Dublin papers.
To the right hon. WILLIAM BECKFORD, Efqj
Loid Mayor of London.
My Lord,
Y charadter in the literary world,
^"^ mult be my apology to yourlord-
fhip for the freedom of this ad-
drefs. — Let me therefore recom-
mend to your ferious attention,
ihe ingenious Mr. Baker's me-
thod of curing cows which have
been furfeited by feeding on clo-
As the gradation between the horned fpecies
B and
ver.
2 The B A T C H E L O R.
and ALDERMEM IS fcarcc perceptible, I fancy thart
gentleman might be of infinite fervice at the London
Tavern.
I am fo well acquainted with your patriotifni and
public fpiiit, that I depend, with confidence, on your
lordfhip's patronage in favour of Mr. Baker by
your animating encouragement, the arts and fciences
flourlfli in all parts of the Britilh empire. Let it be
your boaft, my lord, to call forth merit from obfcuri-
ty. Mr. Baker is now fulely employed in preferv-
ing the lives of a few Irish cov/s, (that deferve
to fufFer for their gluttony) when I fincerely think,
without any compliment, that preferving half a do-
zen patriotic aldermen, is of more confequence to
the community.
Your lordPnip Is wife from experience; you have
feen much of the world, and therefore muft know,
that the feafon for green peafe, and other flatulent
vegetables, is fatal to many of your brethern, and
caufcs many vacancies at your council hoard. At
this critical period, my lord, the fudden deaths of
men of genius, may be attended with pernicious .
cfFeds : the pillars of our conftitution may be
fnatched away by a difh of artichokes, and a plate of
beans nay occafion the fall of our ftocks.
I therefore humbly entreat your lordfhip to call a
meeting of the Livery of London, to draw up an
addrefs and petition to the Dublin Society, that they
mav inftanily order Mr. Baker to attend you : ft
will fignaiife the sra of your lorddiip's mayoralty to
lateft pofterity, if you exert your influence to pro-
cure that genileman an adequate pen/ton out of the
city rtiiemies.
Mr.
The B A T C H E L G R.
Mr. Baker's method of curing cows is by intro-
ducing the point of a knife between their ribs. — Do
not be alarmed, my lord, it is no more than the
prick of a lancet I affure you. — Call him then from
this fordid employment, and let him exert his (kill
for the prefervation of his own fpecies. Let it be his
conftant bufinefs to attend at every turtle feaft with
his chirurgical knife, and when any of the guefts
(hew the leall: fyraptoms of indigeftion, let him pro-
ceed to bufinefs. The wind confined by repletion,
•which often occafions apoplexies, vertigoes, and
other aldermanic complaints, will inftantly evaporate,
and leave the patient in perfcQ health. — A familiar
inftance, will brighten your lordihip's perception,
and give you a clearer idea of this operation, than
a tedious phyfical difcuflion. In the courfe of your
lordfhip's obfervations, you mufl often have feen a
vent-peg applied to a calk of porter to prevent its
burfting ; the cafe is exaSly fimilar, and, indeed, I
heard a great natural philofopher (L d M -a,
F. R. S.) fay that Mr Baker took the hint from
this trivial circumftance, like Sir Ifaac Newton, who
founded his noble fyftem of attradlion on obferving
an apple fall to the ground.
It is Dodor Swift's opinion, " that whoever
*' could make two ears of corn, or two blades of
*' grafs to grow upon a fpot of ground where only
*♦ one grew before, would deferve better of man-
*' kind than the whole race of politicians." This
Mr. Baker can efFc£t, my lord ; but what infinitely
is more interefting to your lordlhip, and the whole
livery, he can alfo enable every citizen to eat ttvf
cuftards inftead of one, without any danger of burft-
B z ing.
4 The B A T C H E L O R.
ing. — Sure!/ then he deferves to be amply re-
warded i
Time, my lord, has introduced a ftrange revolu-
tion in the manners of the citizens. In a fannatic
age, grievances and api>rehenfions produced farting
and mortification ; but your patriots fupport their
fpirits by feafting, and eat in proportion to their zeal.
—An additional motive, my lord, to encourage Mr.
Baker. Mrs. M'AuIey could alfo inform your
lordfhip, that the man who had faved the life of a
Roman citizen, was rewarded with a Civic crown.
Revive this cuftom, my lord, in honour of Mr.
Baker, for T dare fay, he will preferve the lives of
many illuftrious citizens this feafon.
However your lordfhip may be prejudiced againft
tlie Irish, I aflure you there are many ingenious
inen in this country, who gain a comfortable lively-
hood by cutting open the flcins of flieep, and dealing
their tallow. The operation is not very dangerous,
for thofe gentle animals feed immediately after, with
an excellent appetite, and your lordftip knows, that
is the furefl: left of a patient's recovery. Now, by
Teafoning from analogy, we may fafely conclude,
that the fame experiment will equally fucceed on
iheep, aldermen, and all lethargic citizens : I there-
fore think you fhould engage fome of thofe Heaven-
taught furgeons to accompany Mr. Baker. By this
iTieans, a large fupply of tallow may be eafily obtain-
ed, and the price of candles fpeedily reduced ; and
thus your lordrtiip will enjoy the heart-felt fatisfac-
tlon of redrefling one of the national grievances,
■without hazarding a revolution. It is my boaft, my
lord, and I glory in the invention, that I am the firll
projector, who ever pointed out a rational fcheme to
lender the fat of the citizens of fervice to the nati-
on.
The B A T C H E L O R. S
on. — This gives unfpeakable fatisfadlion, as an over-
grown, unwieldy citizen has long been a fubjeft of
Ridicule ; for Cato jefting on one of the aldermen of
Rome, afked, of " what ufe a body could be to the
" republic, that was all belly ?"
I hope your lordfhip will approve of my propofal ;
fuch a generous encouragement of the natives of
this kingJom, will do you great honour, and will
moft effeftually expofe the talfity and feverity of
Mr. Kelly's refleftirns on your lordfhip, for mention-
ing his countrymen with feeming difrefpe(5t. You
have been accufed of ill nature and cruelty, yet I
dare fay, if you had Mr. Kelly among your herd of
(laves in Jamaica, you would give him moft convin-
cing proofs of your lenity and moderation. He alfo
infinuates, that good-nature fhould compofe one part
of your lordfhip's charaQer, becaufe folly is the pro-
per foil for that milky plant to grow in: but poets,
my lord, ate feldom good philofophers. — Goofe-
greafe, indeed, is endued with a healing medicinal
quality ; but Mr. Kelly Ihould not draw too hafty a
conclufion from this, and expe£t to find good-nature
and folly always united in the fame perfon.
I am, with refpe£l,
My lord,
Your lordfhip's moft obedient,
humble fervant,
Y JEOFFRY WAGSTAFFE.
B 3 No. 2.
The -B A T C H E L O R.
NUMBER II.
S'il pajfe chez V Anglois ; citoyen de tiTverne,
Impudent, crapuleux ce cynique moderney
Gagnera les defauts de cette nation :
Bizarre Iff fmgulier par affedation,
11 fera "vanit'e d' etaler fa folie.
Dieti nious garde Jur tout, pour comble de mantey
Slu'il ne s'anjife un jour d' avoir le fplen par goaty
Et po-ujfant V Anglicifme infenfement d kout.
Pour prowver qiCil a bien profit's du fvoya^ e,
II ne fe pende ici a la fleur de fan age.
Philosophe de Sans Souci.
To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq.
SIR,
IL A TEL Y rpent an evening with fome young
gentlemen juft returned from their travels ; the
converfation made fo ftrong an impreffion on me,
that I am refolved to make it the fubjeft of a letter.
What difgufted me mod, was their aukward at-
tempts to mimick that agreeable livelinefs, fo natural
and pleafing in that gay and volatile people, the
French: for I have obferved, that extreme vivacity
among my countrymen, is generally a fign of heavy
intelleds ; the fpirits feem to be diiTipated and
quartered in the limbs, for want of employment in
the head. Inftcad of fenfe or fancy in converfation,
they fubllitute a pert, forward manner of addrefs,
and a peremptory, decifive manner of declaring their
fentinienis. When I aflced thefe gentlemen any
queftions
Tlie B A T C H E L O R. 7
queftlons about the manners, or police of the coun-
tries they had vifited, their anfwers v/ere larded
with fo many pretty French and Italian words, that
they were quite unintelligible. I was fometimes
malicious enough to puzzle them, by defiring an
explanation of thofe exotic phrafes which they in-
troduced to embellirn,and enrich our rude language;
but I foon found they had no ideas annexed to the
words : /=■ bon ten and la belle ttfage figniued fomc-
thing they could neither conceive nor exprefs.
They feemed enamoured with French govern-
ment, becaufe the privileges of the nobkjfe fecured
them from the infolence of the vulgar, and the pen-
alties of a Crown-office. I ventured to fay, it was
the peculiar happinefs of our country, that the laws
made no ditlinQion of perfons, but generoufly pro-
tected the loweft individual from the infolence, and
caprice of the higheft ; and to add weight to my
fentiments, quoted the opinion of a celebrated
Frenchman, who made this very principle the bafis
of political freedom. I was anfwerered with a pro-
fufion of fafhionable jargon, about gentlemen, men of
honour, &c. " That their difcretion was always
•' fufficient to reftrain them from doing any thing
" improper ; but if a tradefman or chaiiman was
" Impudent, it was very heard that a gentleman
♦• might not chaftize him, or on an extraordinary oc-
" cafion, run him through with impunity ; as fuch
" an e(iahlifl:ed right had done great fervice in
'• France, and was the principal means of civilizing
" the commonalty, and enduing them w^ith VipoliteJJt,
" which the gentry of thefe barbarous countries
" could fcarce attain." This was urged with (o
much modefty and good fenfe, that I had nothing to
reply, and fo gave up the argument.
B4 The
8 The B A T C H E L O R.
The French, in general, were reprefented by our
young travellers, as a nation of wits ; but it writ
eafy to fee they had only formed a fuperficlal opini-
on from appearances, and miftook that vivacity
with which a Frenchman will a(k the mofl; indiffer-
ent queftion, for wit. I faid we were frequently
deceived in this matter, by not pioperly dillingui/h-
ing between wit and vivacity j the latter being often
found blended with ftupidity, and very confident
with it ; as quick filver, though fo 'very volatile, is
yet heavier than lead. I found this remark was
conftrued into an oblique reflection, at which, in-
deed, I was not much difpleafed ; however, I took
my leave, and I believe our parting v/as very agree-
able on boih fides.
I remember being in company fome years ago
where a young fellow made himfelf very ridiculous
by his talkative inipertinence, who had been remark-
able before he went abroad, for fheepiftnefs and
want of fpirir. Soon after, the converfaiion turned
on the abfurdity of fending fuch boobies to ftare
away their time, and pick up the foibles and abfuidi-
ties of every country they vifit. A young lady, (the
late IVIifs Trevor,) diftinguiflied for her fpri^htly fan-
cy, obferved, ♦' That travelling was of infinite ufe to
*' them, as it heightened ihi:ir feif conceit, andchang-
** ed them from lethargic blockheads, into prating
*' coxcombs } it improves them as bottling does fmall
•* beer, which then becomes brifk, without growing
*' llronger." I am fure feveral of thefe ingenious
youths are obliged to this lady, for pointing out with
fo much good fenfe and humour, an improvement,
which to do them juftice, they feldoni mifs acqui-
ring by their ttaveb
Ok
The B ATCHELOR.
On the other hand, travelling gives that enje and
polifli to a man of fenfe and learning, tvhich nothing
elfe can fupply. A judicious mixture of thofe refin-
ed manners in which our neighbours excell, add a
grace and brilliancy to every folid accomplifhment,
and compleat what may be juftly called the fine gen-
tleman. : — as our weavers ufe wool of a finer
growth than our native fleeces, to carry the. manu-
fadure to its utmoft perfedion..
The true ufe of travelling is finely exemplified by
the penetrating Helvetius, in the following;
anecdote. The regent Duke of Orleans, afking a
gentleman, " What charafleriftlcal mark- diftin-
" guifhed the various nations of Europe," received
this anfwer. " I Ihall juft repeat to your highnefs
the different queftions which are allied when a'
ftranger firft makes his appearance In public : the
Spaniard enquires, h he a nobleman of the fir J} rank?'
The German, h he entitled to he prefent at the elec-
tion of an Emperor ? The French, h he ivell recei'v-
td at court ? The Dutch, Horn many thoufands is
he luorth P The Englifh, What fort of a man is he .*"*
It is the property of genius to dilplay the characters,
of a people by traits, imperceptible to common un-
derilandings, — What a noble eulogium on the Bfltifh.
conftiluiion, does the laft quellion convey } A free
and generous people will etleem a man according to
his intrinfic merit, and are not to be dazzled by the
falls, and meretricious glare of rank and fortune.
Stuck round ivith titles, or hun^ round iviih JlrinpSf
That thou mayeji he, by kings, or ivhores of kings.
B 5 I fliall
lo The B A TC HE LOR.
T fhall conclude with a few lines on this fubjecl,
*vriiten by the prefent Lord Lytlletcn ; they coine
with peculiar grace and propriety fiom a nobleman,
wliofe precepts and exauiple are equally beautiful
and inftrudive.
" Me other cares, in other climes engage,
*' Cares that become my birth, and fuit my age j
♦• In various knowledge to improve my youth,
*' And conquer prejudice, worft foe to truth ;
" By foreign arts, domeitic faults to mend,
*' Enlarge my notions, and my views extend ;
" The ufeful fcience of the world to knov/,
" Which books can never teach, or pedants fliew.
" A nation here I pity and admire,
•* Whom nobleft fentiments of glory fire,
*' Yet taught by cuftom's force, and bigot fear,
*' To ferve with pride, and boafi: the yoke they
" bear:
•' Whofe nobles born to cringe, and to command,
" In courts a mean, in camps a gen'rous band ;
" From each low tool of pow'r content receive,
" Thofe laws their dreaded arms to Europe give.
" Whofe people vain in want, in bondage bleft,
** Though plunder'd gay, induftrious though op-
" prefs'd :
** With happy follies rife above their fate,
" The jeft and envy of each wifer ftate."
Y
No. 2.
The BATCHELOR. ii
NUMBER III.
Multa fuerant in eo anno prodigia.
To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq.
Livv.
My clear and mu:h honoured Coufmt
IN my former letter, which you honoured with a'
place among your Speculations, I mentioned that
I had in my poffefiion a nianufcript volume on aftro-
logy, written by our kinfiiian Ilaac BickerftafF, Efq;,
of famous memory. On looking over this book
lately, I found the following lines, which feem to me
to be a fort of predidion or prophecy, compleated in
the prefent times. Whoever will confult his faaous
predidions for the year 1708, can hardly doubt of
his (kill : his Merlin's prophecy is alfo a mafter-
piece ; fo that I think he may be juflly ranked-
amongll the firft aftroiogers.
I have attempted fome notes or annotations, by
way of illudration, which I entirely fubmit to your
judgment, to infert or not.
I am, dear Jeoffry,
Your afTcdtionate kinfman,
ALBERT LONG STAFF.-
Bickerstaff's Predictions for the year 1771.
TWICE feven, twice one Hiall be the year,
In which new wondeis iiiall appear ;
The
12 The B ATCHELOR.
The flars Hiall bend their whole defigns,
To drive out Leo from the figns ;
Fach (lialt exert the hotteft zeal.
And all pretend the Zodiac's wea!.
Behold the Ram with afpeft horrid,
Againft the Lion hutts his for'head ;
And ainris to fracture Leo's flcull,
Atfifted by his colleague Bull.
The Gemini prepare for arms,
E'en Virgo's breafl: with ardour warms:
■Cancer attempts to claw his tail,
And Libra wields the beam and fcale.
See Scorpio all his venom dart,
S^gittar' points at Leo's heart ;
Wbilll that old cuckold Capricorn,
Advances fiercely with his horn.
Aquarius pours his watry flood.
And Pifces quit their native mud.
Nor aught their efforts (hall avail,
The valiant Lion fliall prevail j
No monfter after in the Iky,
Shall dare with him his ftrength to try :
Cover'd with fhame and foul difgrace.
Each rebel fign fhall hide his face.
Explanatory Notes.
(i) Tiuicefe'Tjen, tivice one.] This line defcrlbes
the lime when thefe events (hall happen, and mani-
feftly point out to us the prefent year.
(3) The pars Jhiill bend, i^c] This and the three fol-
lowing lines contain the fubftance of the whole pre-
diction. They are plainly defcriptive of the prefent
diftradions which prevail in a certain country, and
of that falfe fpiiit of mock patriotifra by which a fet
of
The B ATCHELOR. 13
of defigning obfcure men, dupe the people for their
own wicked purpofes. The driving out Leo from
the figns, certainly points out thofe levelling gentle-
men, who aim not only to deftioy all kingly pov/er,
but even to overturn the conllitution.
(6) Behold the Ram.] This is certainly John
Wilkes, Efq ; publiflier of the EfTay on Woman, ti-
tular member for Middlefex, alderman and flierifF of
London. The mention of his colleague Bull, puts
this matter beyond difpute. Befides, I am informed
that in this kingdom, Johnny Ram is the common
nick-name for a thief, a rafcal, and a rogue.
(12) E'en Virgo's hreajl-l This muft undoubted-
ly be Mrs. Catharine Macauly, a great party writer
in favour of licentioufnefs. But how fhe can be
called a virgin, I own is beyond my fkili to account
for.
(13) Cancer attempts to claiv.] Here the predic-
tion feems to fhift the fcene. The ram, &c. attack
the lion in front, and the crab in the rear : I am
therefore inclined to think, that by Cancer is meant
fome old crazed (lirrer up of fedition, who crawls
on all-four like a crab. As Wilkes is the ram,
Lucas muft be the crab; and as the one attacks
government in the front, that is, in England ; Co the
other claws it in the tale, which is Ireland.
(14) Lihra ivieUs.] This is fome what obfcure:
but in my opinion, the perfon here hinted at is J. P.
who fo long held the fcales as Lord Juftice, and at
laft overturned the balance, by throwing in too
much of his own felf-confequence and felf-intereft.
(15) Set
14 The B A T C H E L O R.
(i 5) See Scorpio all.] Here the Freeman's Journal
is plainly pointed out : the Lady's Rod, at the head
of that paper, is conipofed of fcorpions, which fpit
their venom at none but chief governors, and the
friends of government.
(16) Sagittarius points.] This line Is foniewhat
difficult to explain: we muft therefore have recourfe
to conjeflure, and fuppofe that by this is meant a
perfon, who formerly had the care of fome artillery,
and perhaps was turned out on account of an unrea-
Ibnable oppofition. The next line is {till more diffi-
cult, as there are now fo many cuckolds in the
world J therefore the reader is welcome to make
what application he pleafes.
(19) Jqitarius pours.] Here muft be implied
fome orator, whofe declamation falls like a fpout,
and at the fame time avails no more than luater
Jpilled upon the ground.
(20) And Pifces quitP\ Thefe mud-fifh muft be
eels, and fignify thofe flippery chaps, called, Inde-
pendent Men, or men that cannot be depended on,
by any party. They are generally men of obfcure
birth, mean parts, and no principles. Thefe mute
fifties can only be made vocal from difappointed am-
bition, or the hopes of gain.
[zi) Nor aught their efforts.] By thefe laft h"nes
the prophetic fpirit of my coufin Ifaac foretels, that
after all this buftle, they may be all quieted like the
bees in Virgil.
Pul'ueris exigui ja3u compreffa quiefcunt. And I
believe our own experience will tell us, that nothing
•will lay the turbulent fpirit of pattiotifm fo effeflu-
ally,
The B ATCHELO R. 15
ally, as places and penfions thrown out amongft the
nioit furious zealots, when the fever of faction is
hiehefl upon them.
W
NUMBER IV.
To the rev. Mr. William Baxter, at Ccrke.
Dear fir,
YO U defire me to give you an account of the
moft remarkable occurrences in our metropo-
lis. The tflfk is eafily performed : politics, and the
Epillle to Mr. Howard, with alderman Faulknei's
notes *, have at laiT: given place to a much more ex-
traordinary fubjedt ; I mean the miracles done in
the church of St. Michan's, by the relics of the late
DoiEtor Charles Lucas, now known by the name of
Saint Charles. You know it is the perfuafion of all
men of fenfe and learning, that the miraculous pow-
ers have been withdrawn from the world ever fince
the time of the apoftles. The many crafts and im-
pofitions which have been pradtifed by churchmen,
for the purpofes of policy and private intereft;, have
brought the opinion of fupernatural agencies into
general difcredit. No one was a more confirmed
infidel than myfelf, in refpedt to all fuperftitions ;
and had an account of thefe miracles come down
traditionally from any former time to the prefent, I
* That number of the Batchelor, containing the cpiftle
•with the notes here mentioned, (hould have been inferted pre-
vious to this paper : but being of a great length, we thought it
belter to infeil it entire at the end of the volume.
ihould
i6 The BATCHELOR.
(hould have treated them with the fame derifion as
the monftrous legends of St. Anthony the monk, or
thofe of the Abbe Paris, in the church of St.
Medard, at Paris. But being a voucher, by the evi-
dence of my own fenfes, in the truth of much of
what is fo formally attefled, and having no reafon to
doubt the credit of others, who receive them with
an equal degree of convidllon, I own I can no longer
withhold my affent to them. Wonderous things
have been done in the fight of multitudes ; the mi-
nifter and churchwardens have fet the parifh feal to
their authenticity, and the regilter is prefcrved in
which the names of all who have vifited the faint,
with the nature of the operation on each, is faithful-
ly and exadl'y recorded. The Doftor, as you may
fee by the papers, was interred with great funeral
pomp on the igth of November, 1771, in the
church of St. Michan's : on the day after, his grave
was vifited by feveral members of both Houfes of
P nt ; not fo much out of refpeft to his
memory, nor from any expectation of a miracle, as
to make themfelves popular among the common
people at prefent, while the city election is depend-
ing.
The firft appearance of any thing fupernatural
was obferved in the perfon of Colonel John P v,
who, though generally confined the greateft part of
the year by the gout, and unable to move by the
ufe of his own limbs for feme time paft, yet was feen
to walk fioni Henry-ftreet (the place of the Doc-
tor's late refidence) to the church of St. Michan's,
without fufferingany prejudice to his health, though
the ftreets were very wet and dirty, and the Colonel
often obliged to walk above his ancle in the kennel.
Moft of the miracles yet wrought have been on the
minds.
The B ATC HELOR. 17
minds, manners, and underftandings of tbe devotees ;
but from this example of the Colonel, 'tis probable
the remains may have the fame efficacy on diforders
of the body. You have paid many vifits to Bath,
and the hot fprings of Italy for your rhcumatifm, to
little purpofe ; I wifh you could be prevailed on to
try the church of St. Michan's; if it does you no
fervice, it can do you no harm, and a journey of an
hundred miles is no mighty m.atter. Whatever is
your determination let it be fpeedy, for perhaps the
miraculous viitue may foon leave the Do£tor's re-
mains, never to return, or only on certain anniverfa-
ries, fuch as his eleftion for the city ; the pafllng the
Odlennlal-bill ; the breaking open of Newgate by
the foid'ers in garrifon on Dublin duty, and other
favourite asras. On thofe days the crowd will be fo
great, preiling to the church, that to efcape with
whole bones will be a miracle, almoft as great as any
the holy relics can perform. I muft not forget to tell
you, that great fums have been already collefled at
the church door by the fexton, and that truftees are
appointed to fee them properly diftributed, as they
fuppofe would be moll agreeable to St. Charles
were he living. One moiety is to be divided among
the Committees of the Free-Prefs, and the Hiberni-
an Journal ; and the other is referved for the fup-
port of new feminaries of oratory, on the fame foot-
ing with thofe of the Free Debating Society, the
Lycseum, and the re(t which are already eftabliflied
in this city.
I am ever, dear fir, yours,
NICHOLAS WEST.
Liji
i8 The B ATC HELOR.
Liji of miracles lurought in the church of St. Michati'sy
Dublin^ by the remains of the late Do£lor Charles
LucaSi MOiv knoiun by the name of St. Charles.
Taken from the parijb regijler, in the cuftody of the
tninifer and churchivardens of faid parijh : ixjit-
vefedandfealed at the bottom by all the de^votees^
andfigned andfealed at the top.
L. S. O Stephen Barrington, Redor,
L. S. O Isaac Clancy, 7 -^7 ; ;
T c /^ n r. ? Churcbiuardens.
L.. b. U D£N. Bradshaw, 3
H y F d, Efq; member of parliament for
the borough of C n, after leaving the church of
St. Michan's, went diretlly to the Houfe of Com-
mons, and fpoke three quarters of an hour to the
queftion under confideration, without the lead: per-
perfonaliry or inve6live againft the Prime Serjeant,
the Att ^rney General, or any friend of the prcfent
adminiftration.
J P ~, Efq ; late S r, came out of
the church at half an hour after a eleven, on the Joth
of November, 1771 ; looked as if he was thinking,
and made but one promife the v.'hole day, viz. that
he would remember his engagement to dinner i
which he kept.
Counfellor H on, member of parliament,
after his return from St. Michan's to the Houfe of
Commons, fpoke but one quarter of an hour, and
did not mention the pier of Balbriggen.
Sir W m M e, Bart, on his way to the
.Saint, uoppcd at the fign of the Highlander, on the
Blind-
The B A TCHELOR. 19
Blind-quay, to buy nine penny worth of fnufF, where
he was delayed fourteen minutes, by mifcalculating
the change he was to receive out of half a guinea;
but before he left the church, to the aftonifliment of
a!! prefent, members of parliament, and others, he
drew out a table of pence on a flat ftone in the
church-yard, with a piece of miraculous chalk,
taken from the right toe of the Saint : repeated the
multiplication table twice, without a fingle miftake,
and afterwards worked two queftions in divifion,
with very few errors, before Mr. Daniel Swiney,
wriiing-mafter, at the fign of the Hand and Pen,- in
Skinner-row. — He is alfo much better of his Scotch
accenc, and 'tis not defpaired but by a few more vifits
to St. Michan's, he may be perfedtly cured.—When
the miracle is accomplilhed, it will be regiftered with
the reft.
The Lord Vifcount M — 1 — h, who drove at full
gallop in a phaeton and four to the church, greatly
annoying all pafTengers in the ftreets, at coming out
difmifled his equipage, walked foberly home, has
fince put on a clean fhirt once a day, and is now dri-
ven by his own coachman.
The Rev. Dodtor Borrows, immediately after
returning from the church, wrote an epigram with a
new thought, and fome point in it.
His Excellency Lord Townfliend, vifited the
church early in the morning on the iith of No-
vember, and after his return, did not keep his com-
pany waiting dinner, and faid nothing the whole day
worthy of being remembered.
The Speaker of the Houfe of Commons, after
having been at the church, was for a fhoit time per-
plexed in deciding a point of order.
T 8
20 The B A T C H E L O R.
-s L te, Efq ; did not fit in a
nich the whole day after his return to the Houfe of
Commons, from the Church of St. Michan's.
Patrfck Dogherty, Farrier, of the parifli of St. An-
drew's, who was born deaf and dumb, on entering
the church, was obferved to clinch his fill feveral
times, and to ftrike his hand againll his breaft. On
touching the body of the Saint, he uttered very dif-
tinftly, and with great emphafis, the words Slavery
—Impious Tyrants— Corruption — Flagitious Minijiry
—Mercenary red Coat Ruffians. On which he was
immediately nominated as a proper perfon to be
candidate for the city, and it is imagined he will car-
ry his eledion.
The Earls of B 1 and M a, went
together direflly from the church-yard to the Houfe
of Lords ; where the former of thefe noblemen,
fpoke plain Englifli, ajid the latter fpoke truth.
H sL dR y, Efq; was obferved^ to
laugh feveral times after he left the church, on
reading the Epiftle to G. E. H. Efqj with notes by
Alderman Faulkner.
The Right Hon. Anthony Malone. on his re-
turn from the Saint, could not recollect the name of
a witnefs in a Chancery caufe, in which he had been
concerned in the year 1750.
Sir J s C 1, after leaving the church,
took down a fpeech of the Prime Serjeant's, in
which many of the words were preferved, and not
above half the fubllance omitted.
W
The BAT CHE LOR. ai
W B gh, Efqj debated twice
in the Houfe of Commons, after having been in the
church, and fpoke no treafon, nor was called to
order.
The Lords L le, and B fs who pleaded
privilege, for being admitted without paying any
thing to the door-keeper of St. Michan's, on coming
out, gave fix-pence each to a beggar woman with
five naked children. The former of thefe Lords on
the fame day, threw his old wig into the fire, and
the latter made a prefent of his gold cuffs to the
play-houfe in Suiock-alley.
On the fame day, the Earl of Chailemont having
been in the church, gave nothing to a poor man who
alked charity, and looked over the articles of a
tradefman's bill before he paid it.
The Biftiop of————, on the day of his being
at church, eat but of one difli, and not more than
nii^ht fuffice two men of moderate appetite.
The Lord V— — — — t M- is, went Imme-
diately from the church to the Houfe of Lords,
and made but one quotation, and that was to the
purpofe.
In my future letters, you may expedl a continua-
tion of the catalogue.
Z
No. 5
22 The BATCHELOR.
NUMBER V.
Ceptera mendacis, delir amenta catafidPy
Ne pueros ipfosy credere pojje rear.
Claudii Rutilii Iter.
To the renj. Mr. William Baxter, at Corket
SI R,
YOUR too credulous friend, Mr Nicholas
Weft, with an air of funplicity and candour,
has given you an account of the miracles performed
at St. Michan's church. The many inftances fo
folemnly authenticated by the minifter and church-
wardens, furnifli another fuperflnous proof of the
ftrong propenfity of mankind to the extraordinary
and miraculous. — Dodlor Lucas was camnijed by
the mere vulgar, long before his death, though he
was not known by the name of Saint Charles. Some
men of parts, learning, and piety, are too much
fwayed by party-prejudice, which prevents their
examining this matter with a proper degree of atten-
tion. For my part, I am concerned for the honour
of my native country : by our foollfh credulity, we
fliall at laft render ourfelves as ridiculous as the
people of England, who readily fwallow any abfur-
dity, and implicitly believe either in a Bottle Con-
juror, or a Cock-lane Gh to deftioy a few dealing
old women, fufpefted of bewitching a bridegroomj
riding to France on a broomftick, and fpoiiing a
churning. This adl was only repeated in the reiga
of George the firft, tho' long oblolete, from the-
niore enlightened manners of the age.
The memoirs of the Houfe of Brandenburgh men-'
lion one perfon, who was tried and executed for
witchcraft at Leipfic in the year 1707. But the pre-
judice and folly of the judges, was fet in fo ridicu--
lous a light, by the illuftrious Wolfe and Leibnitz,
that it put a final flop to fuch ignorance and barbari-
ty. Now, if we were only to regard human te.Hiimo-"
ny, what doubt could we have of fadls fo confident-
ly afTerted, proved by oath in courts of juflice, and'
believed by all Europe. Rut fame phllofophers,.
men of fuperior reafon and fagacity, found It necef-
fary to fix a ftronger criterion than mere popular
credulity, for things fo improbable in themfelves.
They required an internal proof, thai is, a proof of
the ilory drawn from its probability, and rejeded the-
ftrongeft human teftimony, without fuch evidence to
confirm it : for inflance, if a perfon in thofe days,-
fwore he faw another leap over a mouniain, inftcad
of difbelieving the witnefs, they burnt the accufed,,-
2.S they logically concluded, that he mud have per--
foruied-
36 The B A T C H E L O R.
formed fuch a feat by fupernatural afliftance ; but
never once fufpecSted that it was more probable the
llory was a fidion. Yet, by degrees, every body
became convinced, that fuch a mode of reafoning
was wife andjurt; and the general incredulity on
thefe points, foon put a period to the exiftence of
witches.
Since we have been no longer alarmed from this
quarter, a late philofophical genius has ftrove to
frighten us with ftrange accounts of the wonderful
influence which feparate fplrits have over us ; that
it is impofTible for the foul and body to fleep, by
any effort to make up a dream between them ; and
that we are wholly indebted to fome frolickfome fpi-
rits, for thefe nofturnal amufeaients. Thus argues,
the ingenious and learned author, of an Enquiry into
the Nature of the human Soul. Yet I fhould think,
fome of our dreams are grofs enough to proceed
from mere matter, and may be fairly accounted for,
without the agency of immaterial fpirits. Neither
will this author allow, that madnefs can proceed
from any natural caufe, but afcribes it to the influ-
ence of fome malignant fpirit ; " for," fays he,
' there is, indeed, a great difference and variety in
* the phaenomena of reafon ditlurbed ; but univer-
' fally the difeafe could not be lodged in the foul
* itfelf ; nor could the matter of the body afFedt it
* in any other way, than by deadning its activity,
* which I think is never the cafe in thefe appearan-
' ces. In fhort, the diforder of matter, might
' make a man a ftupid ideot, fubje£l him to fleep,
* apoplexy, or any thing approaching to its own na-
' ture ; but could never be the caufe of rage, dif-
< tradtion, phrenfy, unlefs it were employed as an
' inilrument by fome other caufe; /. e. it cannot of
•< itfelf
The B A T C H E L O R. 3?
*' itfelf be the caufe of thofe diforders of reafon."
Again, " It Is, I think, becaufe the previous ind.fpo-
•' fition, generally gives an opportunity to thefe be-
" in-TS, to alfeQ the imagination, that the diforder
** of the brain ftands in common difcourfe, for the
'^^ confequent trouble, and that we reckon it the ef-
*' ficient caufe."
Thus, it feems, a man's fcull being fractured, can-
not be the efficient caufe of his infanity; — it only
opens a way for the fpirit thro' the cracks to the
brain. — What ftrange whims have the wifeft of men
advanced in the progrefs of their metaphyfical enqui-
ries ? How few have afted like the fage, and modeft
Locke ? I fhall conclude with a definition of this fpe-
cies of metaphyfics, by a fenfible and fpirited writer ;
— " We take metaphyfics in the degree, to which
" they are carried by certain philofophers, to be the
" art of talking grave nonfenfe, upon fubjefts which
•• lie beyond the reach of human undeiftanding."
NUM-
3S The B A TCHELOR.
NUMBER IX,
See IVhitJield etnptying the pockets
Of iv — res and haxvds., and gaping throngs i
Turning their eyes out of their jackets ,
Singing and felling David's fongs.
Cp.azy Tales.
I ALWAYS thought the defign of thefe itene-
rant preachers would hecoine apparent to every
body ; 1 commend Peter Traffic much for laying his
cafe before the public, and am furprized that Mr.
Whitfield can iiiew fo little chiiftian charity, as to
abufe an honeft trader, becaufe he does not choofe
to be a cuckold. I dare fay fome of his fhe difciples
would ferve him, as a fet of female enthufiafts did
Orpheus, for difcovering the myfteries of their Love
Fea.ls.
Doflor Robertfon obferves, '* That perfons ad-
«« difted to fenfuality^ are alio prone to enthufiafm :"
the fame temperament which inclines the melting
virgin of twenty to love and compliance, roivfes the
matron of forty to devotion and fervour for watch-
nights, and Mr. Whitfield. Butler takes notice
how a vapour, which in its fuperior afcent produces
new light and prophecy, in its inferior progrcfs ends
in VOAT y praterea nihil.
" So wind in hypochondria pent,
♦' Is but a blaft if downward fent ;.■
•* But if it upward chance to fly,
*• Eecor-ies new light and prophecy."
The
The B A T C H E L O R. 39
The fentlments of the hiftorlan and poet coincide, and
may furnifh various refiedioas to a fpeculative phl-
lofopheF.
I think I have alfo difcovered another reafon why
•women, after a certain age, attach themfelves to
thele attracting preachers. It is probably to fupply
that warmth of paflion which they have loft with
their youth, that they fo eagerly imbibe that fpiritual
cantharides with which thefe holy men replenifh
them ; who, no doubt, feel a peculiar fatisfaftion in
quickening the fervency of the fpirit through the
medium of the flefh, as ftirring a fire at the bottom
makes it blaze at top.
It has been always the aim of thefe gCEtry, to
ingratiate themfelves with the women j they are
commonly lufty, athletick fellows, with florid com-
plexions, and lirong lungs. I never knew an old,
fpindle-fiianks fellow among thera, who was in the
leaft regarded. You will fee them fwell and exert
themfelves, when furrounded by their female audi-
ence ; and their red faces, and fable apparel, put
one in mind of a black turkey-cock, who pays ad-
diefles to his feragllo, by ftrutiing and jabbering.
Is it not clear, by their choofing to ailemble at
night, that their defigns cannot be quite fo innocent
as they reprefent them ? All the enthufiafts of old
chofe the gloom of night to celebrate their orgies
but
Nox y avtour 'vlnumgue iiihil rnoderahile fuaJent
- Pudsre vacate nox IJ a>?tiorqut metu :
Swaddling
40 The BATCH ELOR.
Swaddling and zeal the female troop enflame,
And friendly night extinguifhes all Ihaine ;
The fervent kifs, the high-flufht matron taftes,
They watch and pray, and blefs nodurnal feafts.
But thefe, indeed, are only fome of their harmlefs
gambols ; they have been of infinite prejudice to fo-
ciety in other refpe6ts, efpecially in England, where
the people in general are of a nieJancholy and gloo-
niy dil'pofition, owing to the large quantities of beef
and pudding they eat, and the joint effect of a thick
and heavy atmofphere. Now, Whitfield and his
followers, have artfully taken advantage of this cha-
rafteriftical turn in the people, and in order to fliew
themfelves powerful preachers, have drawn the moft
frightful pidlure of religion, and drove numbers to
defpair, which commonly ends in fuicide and mad-
nefs. Such defponding doftrines are not calculated
for a phlegmatic generation; — it is like tying lead
to the heels of a perfon who cannot fwim, and who
is juft ready to fink without any additional incum-
brance.
I have already obferved, that fuicide has encreaf-
ed by the propagation of Whitfield's tenets : 1 muft,
however, do him thejuftice to acknowledge, that
population has been advanced by the fame means,
which inclines me to think that it is a principle with
this fe(St, to bring as many into the world as they
fend out of it. They refemble vipers, who carry
poifon in their heads, and oil in their tales, as an an-
tidote againft it.
Befides, the arts they ufe on many occafions, to
extend the domijiions of grace, are bale and difiige-
nuous :
The B A T C H E L O R. 41
nuous : they hire their own followers to pelt and
abufe them, and at the next gathering together of the
godly, complain how they have been bufFetted for
Chrift's fake, and thus extort the pity and pence of
their deluded auditors.
They earneftly pray for perfecution, as they very
v;ell know, that in all ages and countries it has only
increafed the fe£t it meant to fupprefs ; like deftroy-
ing a wart by amputation, which propagates others
fram its blood.
I really think it is the duty of every lover of his
country, to expofe thefe fpiritual volunteers to con-
tempt and derifion. I fhall juft mention an anecdote,
which proves that Peter Traffic's complaints
are juft. — A celebrated young preacher in the
North, (who had fignalized himfelf as much as Moll
Walker) was obliged in a certain diforder, to fubmit
to that operation, which the Italians deem abfolutely
requifite for a fine finger. On this misfortune, his
ungrateful female difciples, one and all, denied and
deferted him j and though his voice was more tu-
nable, the jades would not even condefcend to hear
him fing pfalms; and the poor fellow was obliged to
give up his ghoftly calling. This ftory needs no com-
ment ; but left Mr. Whitfield fhould fay it is a fi(5li-
on, I now tell him that it is well known at Strabane,
where it happened, as hundreds there can teftify,— ^
let him difprove it if he can.
It is Inconceivable what mifchief thefe vagrant
preachers have already done in the kingdom : I fhall
mention but one extraordinary inftance at prefent. —
In the late infurreflions of the Oak Boys, a hymn
was found in the pocket of a Jefuit, who was fent
OR
42 The B A T C H E L O R.
on a million from St. Audoen's-arch, and pafTed for a
Muggletonian preacher : the ftyle and fentlment*
will convince the public that it mud have been com-
pofed by fome of that fraternity, to foment riots and
ledition among the " giddy, niifled, unthinking po-
*' pulace."
I /liail conclude with a few felcfl ftanzas from It,
which fliew their principles and defigns in the ftrong-
fte light. It feems to have been intended for aa
unitation of the firft pfalm»
I.
The man is bleft who never hear*
A parifli bell refound ;
Nor fees the whore of Babylon,
In furplice, band, or gown.
II.
Our trees (hall bring forth pleafant fruity
Our corn untyth'd (hall ftand ;
Ev'n fo all things fiiall profper well,
That Oak-Boys take in hand.
HI.
No human learning, Lord ! we hoaff,
But grace does that furpafs!
Then ope our mouths, and make us fpeak,
As thou didft Balaam's afs !
IV.
The walls of Jericho, O Lord!
Obey'd thy trumpet's found ;
When
The B A T C H E L O R. 43
When Jofhua gave the facred blafl.
They fell unto the ground.
So let the walls of Derry fall.
When with our horns we call ;
The clergy then we'll quickly take.
And flay the priefts of Baah
VI.
Millenium days we foon fhall fee,
(Then down with tythe and teft j)
For Chrift alone fhall be our king,
And all thy Sabts have reft.
Y
NUM-
44 The B A T C H E L O R.
NUMBER X.
In ^ain to defarts thy retreat is made ;
The mufe attends thee to thyjilentjhade :
'Tis hers, the bra^ve man's lutefi Jieps to trace.,
Rejudge his ads and dignify difgrace.
When inter efl calls off all her Jneaking train.
And all the obliged defer t, and all the ■vain •
Thro fortune'' s cloud one truly great nue fee.
Nor fear to tell that P y is he.
Pope.
To the Rt. H ble J P- — y, Efq.
S I R,
MORALISTS and fage politicians have expa-
tiated largely on the inllability of court fa-
vour : you, fir, have experienced the truth of their
obfervations. Wow ungratefully have you been
treated for all your paft fervices ! The public are
pretty well acquainted with your character, but from
my particular efteem and regard for you, 1 fhall di-
vulge fome anecdotes that muft do you honour, and
which, from a laudible modefty, you have induftri-
oufly concealed.
I am vexed to fee you reduced to a private ftation,
and no longer prefiding at that board where your abi-
lities fhined fo confpicuous. As a patriot, it muft
give me the deepeft concern, to fee you deprived
of that influence, which you fo wifely exerted in fo
many borough'5 and counties for the good of your
country. How many freeholders have you relieved
by
The B A T C H E L O R. 45
by generoufly penfioning them on the c — ft — ms, and
indulged with receiving the profits of their employ-
ments, without obliging them to fubmit to the fa-
tigue of the duty.
Superficial obfervers, fii, have afcribed your late
patriotic conduct to fpleen and dilkppointed ambiti-
on. They fay, that pcnfionsy titlesy and re'verfionsy
were tlie only objects you had in view. — That you
were piqued at the refidence of a chief governor, as
it deprived you of all hopes of becom'ng one of the
illuftrious trium^virate which long governed this
kingdom with io much hououi ; and that your oppofi-
tion to the court fprung from the mod feifilh and for-
did motives.
But thefe fpecious objeclions are eafily confuted.
Even allowing that you propofed very extraordinary
terms for your compliance with adminillration, I am
fure.fir, jou only did fo, that they might be rejected
with fcorn, and that you might have a reafonable
apology for difplaying thofe noble principles of in-
tegrity and difintereftednefs, which always glowed in
your bofom, though you had concealed them fo in-
duftrioufly for many years, that even your moft in-
timate friends never once fufpe£led you had the leall
idea of them. You afted, fir, like Brutus in Tar-
quin's court: he afFeded folly, to fccurc himfelf from
the jealous rage of a tyrant j and you only affumed
the corrupt manners of a courtier, to gain prefer-
ment.
Befides, though you had really intended to fupport
the meafures of adminiftration, if your terms had
been accepted, you ftill fhewed a high d -gree of
virtue in demanding fuch extravagant ones. You
meant
46 The B A T C H E L O R.
meant to convince the public how fincerely you lov-
ed your country, by requiring fuch a bribe to betray
it ; for certainly a man efteems a thin^ in proportion
to the price he fets on it.
Your enemies, fir, have accufed you with want of
fpirit ; I am furprized at fuch a calumny. You lately
gave a mod convincing proof of your intrepidity
in the Houfe of Commons. You were hardy e-
nough to deny a charge, though the evidence of
your own hand writing was againft you. A Jefs
zealous friend than I am, might be puzzled to de-
fend you: but I can perceive the rettitude of your
intentions, even in your deviating from truth. It
was in the glorious caufe of liberty, fir, that you for
once condefcended to fwerve from that nice and de-
licate fenfe of honour, which you have conftantly
preferved. An inviolable attachment to your word,
a rare quality in a ftatefman ! was one of thofe pecu-
liarities for which I always admired you. But I
candidly acknowledge, that I efteem you the more
for giving up this fhining charafteriftic, for the fer-
vice of your country. In that eafe, fir, a private
vice becomes a public benefit; and it is equally true
in politics, as in morals, that the end jullihes the
means.
A perfon of your quick fenfibility, mufl; have fuf-
fered feverely on (uch a trying occafion. You then
had virtue enough to refign the charader of an hon-
eft man, to attain the nobler name of a patriot. The
greater the facrifice, the more your country is in-
debted to you.
As Speaker of the Houfe of Commons, you
have gained univerfal applaufe. You were refolved
to
The BATCHELOR. 47
to ftock that honourable aiTembly with patriots, and
therefore in contefted eledions, you nobly rejefted ^
fome members who bad an undoubted majority of
votes, and would only admit thofe who promifed to
fupport your intereft, and the conftitution of their
country, as thofe terras are fynonimous.
Some people are amazed, how you could main-
tain fuch an influence in the Houfe, with that
fmall ftock of natural abilities which they invidi-
cufly allow you. But what they malignantly defiga
as a reproach, turns out the higheft compliment. If
you were endued with fuperior parts and fhining a-
biiities, the phoenomenon would be eafily accounted
for. Your merit, fir, is the greater, as you have
been able to efFeft fuch grand things by flender
means : a general who conquers with a fmall force,
acquires greater glory than if his troops were more
confiderable.
Your enemies, fir, alfo accufe you of having de-
ferted your grand ally on the Augmentation Bill;
but they do not confider, that, like Shakefpear's apo-
thecary, your toill ne=ver confented. You were juft-
\y apprehenfive of lofing your employment, and that
is a fufficient apology.
Give me leave, fir, to lament with you, the de-
generacy of my countrymen : I long ago expedled
that the whole kingdom would have been in a
flame ; that petitions and -remonftrances would have
been fent up from all quarters. What can be the
reafon of this fupinenefs? Are they bafe enough to
imagine that you defign to imitate our memorable
patriots of 1753. The condud of thefe men has
been of the utmoft prejudice to this kingdom. It
has
48 The BATCHELOR.
has made every Irifliman a Sceptic, they doubt the
very exiftence of patriotifin. They caiiiiol be per-
fuaded to think their rights and privileges in danger,
becaufe a Money Bill was originated in the council,
as it has been the ufual mode of proceeding for two
or three hundred years. But the abfurdity of
fuch a cunclufion is evident. For at different peri-
ods, the fame thing may have quite different effects :
You, fir, were convinced of the truth of this maxim.
In 1 761 you fupported the very meafure which you
have fince difcovered to be fubverfive of the confli-
tulion. You have obferved fomething dangerous in
that tyranic Icheme, which you have not as yet
thought proper to dilclofe. Probably, fir, you are
apprehenfive of throwing the nation into ferments.
You have aQed like a (kilful phyfician, who con-
ceals the danger of the patient's cafe, lefT: the difco-
very might terrify him too much.
// is ttoto time, fir, to mention a circumfJance
•which mujl render you extremely popular in this
kingdom. As you ferefaiv ivith your ufual fagacity,
the necejjity and propriety of a land tax, you prudent-
ly refolnjed to infert a claufe in every neiu leafe
•which paffed through your hands, in order to thro'w
the burthen on the tenant, ivithout diminijhing the
landlord's rent-roll. One gentleman, indeed, after
his leafe ivas perfe£led, fufpeded the legality of fuch
a claufe, and ivas rajh enough to confult tiuo eminent
laiuyers on the point. Their opinions chanced to coin-
cide, and were entirely in his fa'uour. Tho' you, fir,
•were acquainted 'with their fenliments, you paid no
regard to them, hut fleadily refolded to purfue your
plan, and accordingly ferved this refradory tenant
•with an ejedment. He took defence, and you then
ctmmenced a fuit againfl him ; but as you wtre al-
njuays
The B A !• C H E L O R. 49
T.vffys tcu/ler of your reputation, and ivouJd rather
lofe your right than your popularity, yrjii popped all
proceedings at the heginniug of this fe£ion.
This was a fine example for the landed gentrv ;
they owe you particular obligations for that maf-
terly ftroke of politics, perhaps you were induced to
take this ftep, by obferving how the infolence of thg
Yoemanry was increafed by the 09;'enial Bill, and
probably you contrived this latter fcheine to coun-
teiaft the pernicious effects of it.
Perfevere, fir, in your patriotifm, and though you
fhould never more fill fuch an honourable and lucra-
tive employment, as firft Commiliioner of the reve-
nue, I know you will be rejoiced to find your place
fupplied by a perfon generally efreemed your fuperior,
both in integrity and abilities. You will then refem-
ble that illulirious Greek, who was a candidate to be
enrolled in the band of heroes that fell at 7"hermopy-
jge, and on being reje£led, thanked the Gods " There
'* were (o many better men in Sparta."
I have thus, fir, taken fome pains to vindicate youc
character and condu6t, from every illiberal afpesfion.
I thought it more elfentially requlfite kt this time, as
v/ith infinite regret, I find mbtl people too 9.^ to
Oredit ihofe invidious farcafms.
I always confi.dered you as a mo{t amaxing per-
fon. You are a laceiious companion, without bor-
ro'.ving the leaft alfiftance from either wit or hu-
mour. You prefide wuh equal dignity in the
houfe, and at the head of a pack of hounds ; and
your eloquence is equally adapted for cither. The
fame verfatile genius made Alcibiades fo extraordi-
nary a perlbnage. k is my boaft to have firft dif-
^ covered
50 The B A T C II E L O R.
covered and pointed out a refemblance between
you. Others may have courted you in the funfliine
of your power ; in your fall I addrefs you :
and am, fir, yours, &c.
P H O C I O N.
NUMBER X.
AS tMs defence of Mr. P. appeared in tne Free-
man a few days after Phocion's hi ll: letter- ; — to
llowing ftate of his cafe, and laid it before
Counfellor Wolfe.
** A v.'as feveral years in poffcffion of the farm of
<' D, under a leafe for one life at 14I. los. yearly
"• reel. In januaty 1767, the lite iTies, and in April
D 4 » fpU
56 The B A T C H E L O R.
*' following, A comes to an agreement with the
*' agent of D, who had the inheritance thereof, for a
•' new kafc in the words following:
" A agrees to pay to B for fmd farm, the yearly
" rent of fixty pounds on a leafe for three liteSf t9
•* conunencefromthefirftcf May, 1767.
** Shortly afterwards, B who refides in Englr.nd,
«' writes a letter to A, to inform him, that he h,T.l
** fent over a leafe ex€cuted by him for three lives
•' of faid farm, at the yearly rent of ftxiy pounds.
" When faid leafe appeared, A objedted thereto, on
" account of a clnule therein, v. h'chis la the words
** following :
*' That the faid A, his heirs and nffigns, fall pay
" to faid B, his heirs and affigns, thg faid re^tte the fdd refer'v-
'• ed yearly '-ent, all taxes, afjefjmenti,, fuhfulies, or
•' other itnpofttions, of tvhat nature or kind foe'ver itn-
'• fofed, or to he impofed on the faid demifed premifesy
" or on the faid referred TEARLT RENT, or on the
^•JaidB, his heirs and affigns, hy reajon or tneans
** thereof, by parliament or 'jtheriKjife, crozvn rent,
*' and quit rent only excepted, as aforefaid.
♦< ^/ere. Is the claufe reciied ufual or cufloma-
*' ry in this kingdom ?
*' Anfwer. I do net rememher that I have ever
" feen fnch a rlaufe in any leafe of lands in this king-
*' dcm, and therefore I fuppofe it is not a cujlomary or
« iifuai
The B A TC HE LOR, 57
*' ufual claufe in leafes in this kingdom. In marriage
*'■ fetthments, it is ufual to exempt the jointure of the
*' lady from parliamentary taxes.
*< ^iere. Does it not appear that the fdid claufe
*' is intended by the lefTor, to throw the payment of
" a land tax on the leffee, whenever this country
" fliall be (o unfortunately circumftanced as to be
" obliged to fubaiit to fuch a tax, and is it not pro-
" bable it would have that effedl?
" Anfwer. / doubt this claufe ivould not produce
" the effed apprehended by this quere ; hut as that mat'
*' ter cannot be afcertained until fuch laiu floall he-
*' enaffed, I think no lefjee ought to fuhmit to fuch a
" claufe,
" ^ere. Has not A a right to objeft to the
" claufe recited, as it cannot be inferred from his
" agreement, that he was to be bound to pay any
♦•' taxes, but the ufual country charges ?
" Anfwer. / apprehend A has a good and fuflci^
*' ent reafon to ohjed to fuch a claufe.
« ^4ere. Is it reafonable to expe claule recked, as it cannot be infencd from his
*' agreement, that he was to be bound to pay any
*' taxes but the ufual country charges?
*< Anfwer, / think A has a good right to oh]e£i ta
** the claufe.
*' ^ere. Is it reafonable to expefl, that the
" Itffce fliould be bound to pay any tax that may
" hereafter be laid on the perfon of the lelTor, or his
" heirs? Note: on account of the claufe recited,
*' A has refufed to pay rent under the new agrce-
*' ment, infilling, that the claufe for payment of tax-
*' es ought to go no further than thofe laid on the
*• premifes, and not any that may hereafter be laid oa
*' the rent, or the perfon of the Icflbr, on account of
*' enjoying faid eftate ?
*' Anfwer. / think the claufe for payment of the
*' taxes-, fjoiild extend only to the taxes to be impofed
*' on the pre7nifes, and not to fuch as may he impofed
« on the rent or the perfon of the leffor. But I think
*' A and B fhould both confder the 'very great ex pence
<' nvhich muft attend a fuit in equity for deterinining
*' the matter in difpute^ and -whether it may not great-
*' ly exceed the rvalue of any contingent expence ivhich
*' may arife by the impofttion of a neiv tax, ivhich at
*' preftnt feenis 'very improbable.
Philip Tisdall.
(A true copy.)
" March 6th, 1769."
But
The B A T C H E L O R. Ct
Rut Mr. Caldwell, ftlll infifted that the claufe
was both ufual and legal. Mr. Bayley thought
It prudent to tender payment of the rent then
due, which he did to Mr. Walfh in the pre-
fence of Mr. Caldwell, at his office in the cuHom-
houfe, on condition of having another leafe exe-
cuted, and likewife offered to fubmit to all claufes,
which any gentlemen of the bar, would certify
to be legal and cuftomary in this country, where
there had been no fpecial agreement to warrant the
infertion of an extraordinary claufe. Notwilhftand-
ing this propofal, which Mr. Bayley humbly ap-
prehends to be a reafonable one, he v^as ferved
with an ejedtment, for non payment of rent, to
which he took defence. Mr. Caldwell then ferved
him with notice for trying the record, at the laft
fnmraer afhzcs for the county of Carlow : however,
on finding Mr. Bayley determined to let it go ta
that iffue, Mr. Caldwell thought proper to with-
draw his notice of tryal, and has let the matter lye
over wUhot ever demanding the rent.
RUSTICU5.
NUM-
62 The B A T C H E L O R.
NUMBER XL
Romulus, y liher pater, i^ cum Caflore Pol/ux
Pojl ingentia fada, Dcorujti in templu recepti,
Ditm terras hominumque colunt genus, afpera hella
Componunt, agros ajfignant, oppiJa conduni ;
Ploravere fuis non refpondere fa^jorem
Speratum merit is.
HOR.
TMlTATEm.
3" les, P— bys, who fhine in our records,
Were for their merit plac'd among the lords !
They ferve their country with peculiar care,
Endov/'d with peiifions, and the S r's chair.
Patriots, who ftrive to make dlflenfion ceafe,
And blefs their country with the arts of peacej
Who to their tenants aft a father's part,
Nor with oppreflion wring the peafant's heart j
May now lament that Slander blafts their fame,
And fpits her venom at each facred name.
To Arthur Bavlev, Efq.
SIR,
CANDIDLY own that I was^ miftaken in fiip-
pofing that you held the difputed leafe under
Mr. Ponf nby : I now fee it was merely to ferve his
brother, Lord Befborough, that he took fuch extra-
ordinary pains to convince you of the propriety of
fuhmitting to an unujual claufe> whiekyou (o litigi-
tujly difputed.
II
•JFhe B: A T e H E L O R. 63
it glve^ me Infinite concern to find, that my well
meant panegyric on Mr. Ponfonby, fliould be niifconr
ftrued by Honestus, into a fatire on that gentle-
man, for whom 1 have conftantly relaind the high-
eft veneration and efteeni. T find, fir, that you have
alfo mifapprehended mc ; I fliall therefore offer a
few remarks to you and the public on this fubjed^,
which I am fure v.^Ill convince the candid and un^
prejudiced, of the unreafonablenefs of your com-
plaints, and ferve to vindicate Mr. Ponfonby's cha-
rafter, from thofe bafe infinuations, " artfully drejj-
" edup to. hlaft him among the independent freehold^
«< ers."
\ft. It Is evident that Mt. Ponfonby was not the
principal in this affair, for (by Mr. Langrifhe's letter)
xkiZ fame claufe was already inferted in all his oiun
leafes i fo that nothing but pure affedlion, and a
generous regard to his brother. Lord Befborough's in-
tereft, could induce him to take fo much trouble, to
reconcile you to this neiu mode, of fubjeQing yourfeif
to a future land tax.
zdly. Yon fay that Mr. Ponfonby promifcd to pro^-
cure you an abatement of lol. per ann. in your rent,
as a compenfation for fubmltting to that claufe, but
that he afterwards /z// _)'o« oj/", by faying, " he did
" not chufe to meddle In hi* brother's affairs." I
wiih you had given us the date of his promife j per-
haps it v/as pre'viaus to the general election ; and as
you were of fome weight In the county, he was
afraid of. lofing your intereft by an unfeafonahle re-
fufal.
Mr. Ponfonby, fir, who Is an excellent cafulft, knew
thjtt <• Juramentum vi ^ metu epntortitm non ooligat,'''
64 The B A T C H E L O R.
or in plain >Engii(li, Promifes nmtic under particular
circumjlances are nal binding. I am amazed how
you could be ignorant of this, when it is pretty
well known, how well that gentleman has applied
the maxim on many occafions. A protmfe-hQ always
undcrftood to be conditional ; and from the very
nature of the thing, it muft be fo ; — for inflance,
when I prom'fe to ferve my friend, it is my intention
to do (o at that time, but if I change my mind after,
I am fully jurtified in not performing it ; for as I was
only induced to make a proinile from a cafual d\(i^o-
fitioncf mind in his favoiir, 1 have a riglit to break
it from a ca fual d\\^o{\\.\on of mind to his prejudice :
furely one motive is as good a? another, except it
be alledged that the firft IhouM take place as elder j
but I really think it highly abfurd to regulate the
motions of our minds by leniority, like the laws of in-
heritance, which makes freeholds dcfcend to the
eldeft foa
I fliall think myfelf happy, if I havefet this matter
in a clear light. I know Mr. Ponfonby has many ene-
mies, who have even riicknamed him far his frequent
breach ol fromife. They indeed are too dull to per-
ceive that he is actuated by'the moll refined and fub-
tle principles of logic, which evinces the depth and.
extent of hi8 underftanding.
^dly. You alfo charge Mr. Ponfon'by with pur-
pofely omitting part of the claufe in Lord Burling-
ton's leafe, wherein it is exprefsly added, " com-
** penfation having been already nicde to the te-
** nant for fubtnitting to this claufe." This, fir, is
artful and malicious to the laft degree — Mr. Ponfon-
by only told you, " that the very fame claufe v/as in-
*' ferted in Lord Builington's le*fes." He did not
tell
The B A T C H E L O R. 65
tell you that no abatement was made in the tenant's
rent, in confequence of it. You found what he faid
was ftritStly true, it was not Mr. Ponfonby's bufinefs
to read the fubfequent part, that would have been
a work oi fupererogation ; he -wxkly JJ:ipped it over,
and if you had not been too officious, you would
be fatisfied Vv'ith what he thought proper to commu-
nicate, and might probably have been awed by fuch
a precedent into a peaceable fubmilhon.
j^thly. I think that Counfellor Wolfe's reply to
one of your querries, might have fatisfied you.
When you afk him, whether he thinks the claufe was
purpofely infevted to fubjeft the tenant to a land-
tax ? Inftead of giving z dircd and explicit &n{v,eT,
lie only fays, *' he doubts this claufe 'would not pro-
" duce the efftd apprehended by the quere.
This alfo implies a tacit cenfure on you for pro-
pofing fuch an iniignificant queftion ; for if it was
not B's defign, why fiiould he fo peremptorily infift
on your compliance .■' Counfellor Wolfe thought
this fo very obvious, that your own fagacity might
have pointed it out, without applying to counfel for
information. Thus B's intention was evident, but
whether it would produce the defigned effect, is
another queftion which naturally rifes frcm the for-
mer ; as to this point, Counfellor Wfole tells you,
" that matter cannot he afcertained until fuch IwM
*' (for a land-tax) is enaiied"
Now, fir, could you fuppofe that L. B. Mr, P.
and their powerful conneQions, would not exert all
their influence to fave the poor tenants from oppref-
fion, by annulling fuch an illegal and improper claufe
by an aft of parliament? Surely the efforts of fuch
patriotic
66 The B A TCHELOR.
patriotic and generous gentlemen would be crowned
with fuccefs, efpecially as they might declare, that
they themfelves nxjere fecure at all events : fuch a
candid confeirion would add weight to their elo-
quence, and render their difintereiled condui!^ re-
markably confpicuous. I will grant, indeed, that
their framing fuch a claufe at prefent, may feem ra-
ther too fublle and artful a ftroke of policy, to gain
applaufe, and make themfelves proper by annulling
it ; but I told you before that it is Mr. Ponfonby's
misfortune to aft on too refined principles ; this has
often fubjedted him to undeferved cenfure, and made
numbers imagine that he only deGgncd to promote
his own interell in all his fcltemes ; whereas, that
was only accidental, and his friends very well knew
that he was never ftrenuous in ferving himfelf, ex-
cept when the good of his country depended on it }
then indeed he was indefatigable.
i^thly. HoNESTus juftly sfTcrts that none of
the tenants were alarmed at a claufe, which feems
to have given you fo much uneafmefs. This I im-
pute lO good management : that offenfive claufe was
foifted in, as an addition to the ufual one, and fo
pafTcd unperceived in the printed part of the leafe :
the tenants were not aware of the diftinclion be-
tween taxes to be laid on the premijes.,' and on the
refer'ved rent. This demonftrates how cautioug
Mr. Ponfonby and Lord Befborough were of giving
the lead offence, or of making themfelves unpopu-
lar. They were moJeJlly fatisfied with tying up their
tenants, to pay a land or poll tax, whenever it fnould
be laid on; but ftill they had too great a regard for
their tenants eafe and happinefs, to make them ap-
prehenfive of their danger beforehand, which mufi:
have been the cafe, had the-fe genet-cgs landlords ex-
plained
The B A T C H E L O R. 6j
plained th& nature and defign of fuch a claufe ta
them.
6t/^ly. It fliews Mr. Ponfonby's forefight and faga^
city in providing againft the pernicious confequence
of a land-tax, by throwing the burthen on his te-
Bants — Perhaps he obferved a fpirit and inclination
in fome of our Iai;ded gentry, to introduce fuch a
tax, and confcious that it was not in his power to
prevent it, he prudently refolved to fecure himfelf
and his family from the bad effects of it. He aiJled
like that noble Perfian, who after ufing every means
to, perfnade his countrymen not to fubjedl them-
felves to the defpotifm of a monarch, but to eflahlifh
a commonwealth ; till finding his eloquence ineffec-
tual, he obtained an exclufive privilege for himfelf
and his pofterity, that they {hould remain free and
independent, whilft the reft of the nation were
flaves.
It might happen, indeed, that Mr. Ponfonby orrfy
meant to open a field to difplay his patriotifm, and
ftill intended to oppofe a land-tax, merely for the
fake of his tenants, (as he himfelf could not fuffer
by it) and thus oblige an4 ferve them moft eflen-
tially.
Thefe, fir, mull: have been hl6 motives, though
I do not in the leaft doubt, but that fome malici-
ous perfons will attempt to prejudice the yeomanry
^ the kingdom againll this worthy gentleman j and
by faying that he had formed a fcheme to facrifice
them, and to introduce a land-tax, if his own felfifh
and fordid terms, and thofe of his- venal junto^were
complied with; perhaps ihey will malignantly fay,
Uiat his defign is apparent from this very litigated
claufe.
68
The B A T C H E L O R.
claufe. But it is Mr. Ponfonby's peculiar happincfs,
that no one who is acquainted v/ith his character,
will liften to fuch fcandal. Mis confitlcnt and im-
partial conduft in the hcufe, his integrity and abili-
ties at that honourable board, where he (o lately
prefided, furnifh the beft and moft fatisfaftory anfwer
to thofe malicious reproaches.
The houfe of conimons, thofe fpirited guardians
of our liberty ! would not have voted him eight
thoufand pounds this very feffion, if they were not
thoroughly fenfible of his great merit — That pecuni-
ary elogium from the teprefentatives of the people,
does him more honour, and I dare fay gave him
more pleafure, than if he had received the thanks
and applaufe of the who'e kingdom.
I am, fir, your's, &c.
PHOCION.
NUMBER XIII.
Fielix quern fuciunt alizna pericula cautum. '
THE candid reader will be convinced of the
ufe and efficacy of Phocion's addrefs to the
right hon. John Ponfonby, Efq; (on the fubjeft of an
intended land-tax) by perufing the following extract
from Mr. Caldwell's letter-
« To
The B A T C H E L O R. 69
•' To Arthur Bayley, Efq,
" On the death of the late Mr. Langrillie, Lord
•* Befborough did me the honour of appointing me
•' his general agent, and I am now to inform you,
<' his Lordfllip is willing to fign any inftiument your
*' council fhall advife, to exempt you from all poffi-
*' ble apprehenfions of being charged with thofe par-
" liamentary taxes you feem fo averfe to, on your
*' paying the rent you now owe, which has been for
♦* the time pad clearly exonerated and difencuniber-
" ed therefrom ; or if you rather chufe to furrender
*' your leafe of part of Garryhill, my Lord will
" accept a furrender thereof, on your paying, the
" arrear due.
Your moil obedient humble fervant,
CHA. CALDWELL."
** Dublin, e^th Juney 1770.
To the Earl of Besborough.
MY LORD,
IT gives me peculiar pleafure, to find that your
Loidfhip has ordered Mr. Caldwell, your agent, to
have a defeafance made of that very paiticular claufe
in one of your Lordfhip's Icafes, which fubjefls the
tenant 10 a future land tax, inftead of his opulent
landloid. Probably, your Lordfllip never faw Couii-
fcUor Wolfe's, and the Attorney-GeneraPs opinions
on this point of law, till they appeared in my Spe-
culations.
As
70 The B A TCHELOTl.
As the fame illegal a.nd alarming claufe Is Inferted
in all Mr. Ponfonby's leafes, I hope your Lordfhip's
example will have a proper influence on him. — When
he was a courtier, my Lord, he might have a fecret
intimation from the niiniftry, that a land tax would
be introduced here, and therefore adted with pru-
dence by fecuring himfelf at his tenants expence :
but now that he is a patriot, he can have no reafon
for obftinately adhering to this prudential fyftem. —
1 fliall be pleafed with having an opportunity of
blazoning that gentleman's merit, for he is remarka-
bly modcft, and to avoid public applaufe, fo care-
fully conceals the great ferviccs he has rendered his
country, that even his moft intimate friends are
ftrangely puzzled to give me the leaft information
^about them.
I am told, that your Lord/hip difapproves of his
late patriotic proceedings : — However, my Lord,
Mr. Ponfonby's is a moil extraordinary charader; he
gained more friends and dependents by empty pro-
mifes, than by conferring effential favours : — I hope
your Lordftjip will pardon this digreflion, and I fliall
now return to my fubject.
I have a fecret fatisfadtion, my Lord, in refledfng
on the great ufe my Speculations have been to your
tenant Mr. Bayley. He perceived the dangerous ten-
dency of a claufe foifted into his leafe, wilh great
art and difingenuity, and was determined to aiSl with
fpirit and refolution.
<' A village Hampden, who with dauntlefs bread,
«< The little tyrant of his field withftood."
He
The BA T CHE LOR. -j
He dated his cafe with clearnefs and precifion,
and fubmitted it to Cunfellor Wolfe and Mr.
Tifdall ; encouraged by their favourable opinions,
he was determined to have the legality of the claufe
tryed. On being ferved with an ejedment, he took
defence, a::d was then threatened with the utmcft
rigour of the law, if he did not quietly fubmit.
Several of the papers relative to this affair, fell acci-
dently into my hands. As I thought it a matter of
fome ccnfequence, I was determined to lay the
whole traniaftion riinutely before the public, and
took care to incloie your Lordfhip a few fpecula-
tions containing my remarks, and Mr. Bayley's very
ingenuous narrative. 1 own that my vanity is great-
ly flattered by Mr. Caldwell's letter. Your condu6l
my Lord, does you honour, and I can affure you,
that I entertain no diipicable idea of your Lordftlp's
underlTianding, fince you have paid fo mucli defe-
rence to my arguments.
As feveral of your tenants, my Lord, have a
right to the fame indulgence fhewn Mr. Bayley, I
fuppofe your Lordfliip's dl ^ftions to your law agent,
were general and equally extended to them. I on.'y
mention this my Lord, left ibms malignant perfons
may impute your Lordfliip's behaviour to a finifler
motive, if Mr. Bayley (hould be particularly diftin-
guiflied.
I remain.
My L— d.
Your L — p's moft obliged.
And moft obedient humble fervsnt,
JEOFFRY VVAGSTAFFE.
N U M-
72 The BATCH ELOR,
NUMB E'R XIV.
■ Minus afjtus acutis
Naribus honim hominuni'
HoR.
To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq.
SI R,
T is generally remarked, that perfons of exquifite
fenfibiliiy, are unhappy. The caufe is obvious
— they fee the foibles of mankind, and feel their
own too fenfibiy: their tempers are ruffled by trifles,
which never dillurb the tranquility of others. By
conducting themfelves with unneceiTkry refinement
in the common occurrences of life, they fruilrate
their own views ; as artilts by fining a razor too
much, often tumits edge.
* Fervidus, poiTeiTed of genius, a jull tade, a
brilliant fancy, and every locial quality of a generous
and benevolent heart, can never be happy — becaufe
h\s feelings are too ftrong. Fucosus lives the ob-
jedt of ridicule, and is led every day to laugh at
himfelf ; he joins in the jell without fufpe(Sling it is
at his own cxpence — yet is he happy by his dullnefs,
which, " covers him all over (as Sancho fay?) like a
" cloake." The moft diftant allufion, that can be
conftrued into the flighteil mark of difrefped, n}akes
♦ Thcfc iwo charafters (it is fuppofed) are dellgncd for
C— pt<— n J— ^n and Mr. H d.
Ferv id us
The B A T C H E L O R. 73
Fervidus miferable. Fucosus thinks every body
admires-him, as a piodigy ot parti, and thetefofe
converts a fneer into a compliment. — The ne/ves of
the one, like the llrings oi a fiddle, vibrate on the
flighteft touch ; whilft the other's, like the cords of
a Strim-stram, fcarce bei.d under the rough hand
of a porter. Fucosus blunders through difficulties
and labours, which would deftroy any perfon of lefs
ftupidity, as a goofe thruft down a chimney on
fire, CAtinguiihes the flames, and efcapes unhurt.
I believe the experiment would prove fatal to any
other bird.
I often confider Mrs. Grevllle's Ode to Indiffer- -
ence, as a mafter piece on this fubjeft. The image-
ry is beautiful and poetic, and the fentiments fhew
that nice difcernment and knowledge of human na-
ture, fo rarely found in the elaborate pages of. a
moral philofopher.
Let the rage of party, and perfonal inveftive, for
once give place to admit the polilhtd produdion of
a female genius. Many of our readers, Mr. Wag-
ftaffe, are neither courtiers nor patriots, and reliih
fcandal as little in the Batchelor, as the Freeman,— .-
particularly,
Your humble fervant,
MUSiEUS.
E ^ PRAY-
74 The B A T C H E L O R.
A TRAYER/^r INDIFFERENCE.
By Mrs. Greville.
OF T I've Iniplor'd the gods in vain,
And pray'd till I've been weary j
For once I'll feek my wifli to gain
Of Oheron the fairy.
Svi'eet, airy Being, wanton Sprite^
Who liv'ft in woods unfeen j
And oft by Cynthia's filver light
Trips't gaily oe'r the green !
If e'er thy pitying heart was mov'd.
As antient ftories teU,
And for th' Athenian maid who lov'd,
You fought a wond'rous fpell.
Oh! deign once more t' exert thy power !
Haply fome herb or tree,
Sov'reign as juice of Weilern flower.
Conceals a balm for me.
I aflc no kind return in love.
No tempting charm to pleafe :
Far from the heart fuch gifts remove
That fighs for peace and eafe.
Nor eafe nor peace the heart can know;
Which, like the needle true,
Turns at the touch of joy or woe.
But, turning, trembles Ico.
Far
The B A T C H E L O R.
Far as diftrefis the foul can wound,
'Tis pain in each degree :
Blifs goes but to a certain bound:
Beyond is agony.
Take then this treach'rous fenfc of mine,
Which dooms me ftill to fmart ;
Which plealure can to pain refine,
To pain new pangs impart.
Oh ! hafte to fhed the facred balm ?
My fhatter'd nerves new firing;
And for my gueft, ferenely calm.
The nymph Indifference bring.
At her apprcach, fee Hope, fee Fear,
See Expecfation fly ,'
And Difappointmetit in the rear,
That blafts the promis'd joy.
The tear, which pity taught to flow,
The eye fliall then difown :
The heart that melts for other's woe,
Shall then fcarce feel its own.
The wounds which n::!w each moment bleed.
Each moment then /hall clofe,
And tranquil days /hall ftill fuccced,
To nights of calm repofe,
O Fairy Elf but grant me this,
This one kind comfort fend J
And fo may never-fading blifs
Thy flowery paths attend .'
/:>
So
76 The B A T C H E L O R.
So may the glow-worm's gHnimering hght,
Thy tiny footflcps lead
To fome new region of delight,
Unknown to mortal tread!
And be thy accorn goblet fiU'd
With Heav'ns ambrofial dev/,
From fweeteft, frelheft flov/ers dillill'd,
That flied frefh fweetb lor you.
And what of life remains for me
I'll pafi in fober eale ;
Half-pleas'd contented will I be,
Content but half to pleafe.
NUMBER XV.
SOME faftidious critics condemn certain fimi-
Iss, which they are pleafed to depreciate by
calling them lo-iu and 'vulgar. They neither confider
the authoi's intention, or that fpecies of compofiti-
on, where they may appear with grace and propri-
ety. A few thoughts on this fubject may therefore
be agreeable to the reader, — and alfo ferve as a
preface to my neuj correlpondent's favours.—
The defign of fome peculiar comnarifons Is
to blend the perfon cr thing with- the objed,
from which the fiuiile is taken, fo as to excite
a ludicrous image from fuch an aflbciation. —
Ou
The BATCH ELOR. 77
On this principle, the penetrating and judicious
Mr. Hurd afcertains the propriety of aliuiive ima-
gery, as adapted to the lighter kinds of poetry ;
and the fame criticifm may be equally extended to
conipoiiiions in profe. — " What has been faid of
" the epic holds, as I hinted, of all the more ferlous
" kinds of Poetry. Tn works of a lighter caft, there
" is greater liberty and a larger field of allufion per-
" mitted to the Poet. All the appearances in art and
" nature, betwixt which there is any refemblance,
<' may be employed here to furprife and divert the
" fancy. The further and more remote from vulgar
" apprehenfion thefe analogies lie, fo much the fitter
" for his purpofe, v.'hich is not fo much to illufrate
" this iuuis as to place them in new and uncommon
" lights and entertain the mind by that odd con-
" junction, or oppofition of ideas which we know by
" the name of ivit. — Nay the hiueji as well as the
*' leaft obvious imagery will be oftentimes moft pro-
" per ; his viev/ being not to enable and rai:e his
" fubjed, by the means of allufion, but to fink and
" debafe it by every art that hath a tendency to
<' excite the mirth and provoke the ridicule of the
" Reader."
Dijfertation 3^. Pnge. loj
To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq.
S I R,
IV/AS lately married to an old gentleman, and
am made very uneafy by an impudent young
fellow's ludicrous comparifons on the match. — He
fays, that an old man who affedts to be amorous rc-
fembles a fuzzball which feems to have fome fub-
ilance, but on being preil, burllis and only fills the
E 3 eyes
78 The BATCH ELOR.
eyes with dufl:. — At other times he commends my
hulhand's prudence, for chufing a young maid,
rather than an old experienced dame, as, fnuff" he
adds murt ho ftrong and fielh to irritate the organs
cf a priid it toner., but that a few dead grains will
make a perfon Jneeze who is unaccullomed to take
it.
He caught me 'tother day, fitting on mv Huf-
band's knee, and (aid I looked h'ke a bunch of fweet
pea funported by a rotten ftick. — — I v/as very an-
gry to be lure, on my dear old man's account, but as
he compared me to fo pretty a flower I forgave
him ; but indeed he is grown more impudent fince,
ar.d jud now told me, that Virgil defcribed our wed-
ding night, by the following lines, which I made him
write down.
> * Telumque Imbelle fine Ictxi
Conjecit : rauco quod protinus sere rcpulfum
Et fummo Clypei, nequicquam umbone pependit.
1 am fure there is fomething bad in them, for
-when I (howed them to my hiifband, and beg'd him
to tell me what they meant, he flew into a violent,
paflion, and has been crofs ever fince. Do my dear
Mr. V/agftafFe, tranflate them for me in the Batchc-
lor, and you will particularly oblige,
your admirer and humble fervant,
PARTHENIA PINCHBECK.
* His feeble palfyM hand a Javelin threw,
Which fainting feemed to linger as it flew ;
]ull: — and but barely to the mark it held.
And faintly tinkled on the brazen fliield.
The
The B A T C H E L O R. 79
The APOLOGY
I.
To Kitty's name, I tune my lays
And praife the little maid,
Whofe jaunty (hape, whofe cuil'd phiz
Poor Johny's heart enflav'd.
11.
What charms fhe has I'll ftrlve to fing
And decorate my fong j
A lovely profpett for a wife
Her fortune's — in her tongue.
III.
A Tongue fo neat, fo pliant glib,-
Which fcorns to whine or flatter,
W^hat pointed words fpring from thofe lipSj
All ling'd with wit and lalire.
IV.
My pretty tiny, Chinefe piece,
A Barrack room to grace j
In vinegar each feature fet
So acid looks that face.
V.
And have I pleas'd my Kitty too
PIa.5 Kitty for me cares,
Grac'd with a foot of double fize
Acd ancles nob'd like chairs !
E 4 vi;
8o The B A T C H E L O R.
VI.
Or liavc my cvc-s entrcncLM fo deep
JVly gentle Kitty charnicil ?
My tawney fkin and Hounftoiv face
Her tender heart have waiin'd.
VII.
In dancing too, my aiikward cuts,
No pains cculd ever fcreen ;
<' A Hea^'en taughr dancer, Certain'y
?'or nought of art k feen,
VIII.
Kitty no more now boafl: your pow'r
For all your art is vain j
Reauty and maiden charms combln'd
But gild the marriage chain.
IX.
The ciOiSlor thus who knows his trade,
And's fv/ay'd by profit ft ill,
The naufeous dofe but ill conceals
Ey varnifning the pill.
X,
But this you fay is common cant.
And often heard by you ;
— T hea Kilty, (ince I know your taile
ril give you fomething new.
XI.
The B A T C H E L O R. ■ 81
XI.
A harlot, faith n7ay drain the purfe,
And into danger run one ;
But foon as e'er the mifchiefs done
The jade is fu.e to fliun one.
X!I.
So fleas will bite, and then Hdp off
And longer fcorn to ftick ;
Conftant aud true a wife remains
And clings like any tick.
XIII.
And when you rave, and rage and curfC;
She then v/ill plague you more.
Like blilters of Iberian flies
She matfes and frets the fore.
^ XIV.
Have you not feen a harmlefs dog
Run frighted thro' the ftreet,
With fhot in bladder ty'd behind
Of" marriage — Emblem meet !
XV.
In courtfhip, mifs refembles cat,
That purrs and fmooths her paws.
But marry'd ! — then like angry puis
Thai fpits and fhev/s her claws,
E K XVI.
82 The B A T C H E L O R
XVI.
Two lovers, like two playful cats
• In dalliance fort unite.
But noos'd — like cats ty'd by the tail
They wrangle, fcraich and fight.
XVII.
Couitfhip is pleafant, marriage four ;
This plagues, but that delights ;
So St. Johns book tho' fweet to lafte,
Yet fwaliow'd gave the gripes.
XVIII.
As prefbyterians, paftors choofe,
And fbew their fenfe and (kill,
By keeping power ftill in their hands,
To turn them off at will.
XIX.
On terms like thefe a girl I'd love
No wedlock noife or ftrife ;
Like church divines, wives faacy grew,
Becaufe they hold for life.
Epigram on the ladies neiv faP?ioned Tetes.
NSTEAD of hair, bright Calia, wears a tete,
_ Of frowfy wool, to hide a fliaven pate;
— As ilript of leaves, a beauteous plant becomes
A dirtv mop, and fhines with greafy thrums.
Y
I
NUM-
The B A T C H E L O R.
8^
NUMBER XVI.
To the Female COTERIE.
LADIES,
AS your polTte and honourable academy feemn ■
chiefly calculated to propagat oraming and
gallantry, I recommend the following efiay to your
patronage and protcftion. — Principles congenial to
your own, Induced me to ftep forth in your defence^
and I have at leall the merit of being your firlh
voluntary champion. I always contemplate with'
peculiar pleafure an inftitullon which will produce
the moft beneficial effedls to Society. — That conrti--
tutional coldnels which you dtrive from a bleak
northern climate, will be meliorated and Improved
by gay converfation and fparkling champaign ; — for a
tavern like a green houfe, Vv'ill infufe an artificial:
heat and naturalije plants, originally reared under
the geniar influence of brighter Ikies and a war-
mer fun. —
Our giddy and i.mpetuous youth will be weaned i
by you, from all low and indelicate amours, and;
folely devote themfelves to ladies of fafhion and ;
charafter. — The refined policy of the roman ladies,
whofe example you purfue, prompted them to -
ftigmatife mean jpirited <^?\\'nx\X%\:,y the opprobrious ;
epithet of anciUarii. — Or ivenchers — give me leave
to recommend the fame judicious diftinCtion to your
imitation..
Our
/
84 Tlie B A T C II E L O R.
Our ingenuous youth attraCled by your beauty ajid
generous condefcenfion, will foon loath the embra-
ces of mercenary females, who can't even boail the
virtue of a nettle, but on comprefion (ling more
feverely. Let it he your amiable province ladies,
to teach them, that by yielding up your charms,
you rcfemhle fqucefed myrtle, which in that fiate,
emits its fwectell: and moft agreeable odour. —
I have the honour to be, with the higheft rcfpe6>,
Ladies,
your mofl: fincere admirer,
and devoted humble fervant,
JEOFFRY WAGSTAFFE.
IJrhi pater ejl, urlique maritus.
L u c A N •
T gives me the higheft pleafurc to obferve the
_ rapid progrefs of cuckoldom in thefe kingdoms,
s it is alv/ays the confequence of refined manners.
We only wanted this finifhing touch, to equal the-
French in that agreeable polilh, which embelliflies
and-foftens human nature. Gallantry and intrigue,
introduce a focial intimacy between the fexes, whiclx
wears oit that difgulling rufticity, fo prevalent in a
country, where an unreilrained familiarity is not
faftlonable. The beft method of poliihing marble,
is by rubbing the Qabs againll each other j and I am
rejoiced to fee the fame mode fo generally adopted
by both kx&z. Gaming is intimately connefled
The B A T C H E L O R. 85
wntli gallantry, and may be efVeemed the cement of
every polite circle.— A prudijh lady who lofes at
play, is frequently obliged to compound with her
male creditor, and yield her perfoa inftead of her
purfe. — A Maccaroni alone could refufe to releafe
his amiable debtor on thefe terms. How happy is
the hufband of fuch a prudential wife, who thus dlf-
charges a debt in a coin he can never polUbly mifs,
efpecially, as it might injure his fortune, and embar-
rafs his affairs if paid in any other. Sometimes
(he may prefer this mode of payment from a prefenti-'
ment of her hufband's fuperiority ; an experimental
proof will do honour to her foredght, and promote
conjugal atfedion. This was Penelope's way, fhe
encouraged all her gallants to ihoot in UlyfTes's
bow, and found none of them equal to her own good
man.
Let dull moralifts, and prejudiced politicians,
fnarl at every generous and comprehe-sfive fyftem,
which contradicSls their narrow, feifilh principles : I
do not addrefs myfelf to fuch readers, but to the li-
beral and impartial j and I make no doubt of convin-
cing them. I Ihall therefore prove, I ft. That cuck-
oldom was ellablifhed by lav/, in the v/ifeft of .nati-
ons. 2dly, That precedents., and continued ufage and
pradice-, are uniformly in favour of it. 3dly, I fliall
point out the great benefits which civil fcciety re-
ceives from it}, and conclude with fjme general
remarks on the fubjett.
By a ftatute ena(5ted in the 7th of Lycurgus, the
Spartans granted every man the privilege of lying
Vv'ith his neighbour's wife — Calo, by his e.xample,
endeavoured to introduce that law among the
Romans ;
86 The B A T G H E L O R.
Romans: feveral tribes of Indians have adopted the
fame wife maxim. Thus, both civilized nations, ad-
tuated by political motives ; and BarbaTians, from
the mere fuggeftions of untutored reafon, have
equally perceived its utility.
Continued tif^/ge and praflice are alfo In favour of
it. The hifto'v of every age and country, furnlftes
us with numberlefs examples in proof of this. All
the evil conftquences which have been falfely af-
cribed to the p-;^.(51ice of cuckoldom, proceeded
whol'y from the uTreafoiiable reftriclions and difcou-
rascment that impolitic laws have laid on it. This
alone made it a cime, and rendered the man infa-
mous, who paiie.itly fubniittedto it — Hence pro-
ceeded wars, maflacres, and the diftrudtion of man-
kind. We fee in Sparta, w-here it was not dilhonou-
rable to be a cuckold, (tut highly fo to be a bat-
chelor) all thofe evils were prevented.
But v/hy (hould I'appeal to Greece or Rome for
examples, when the hiftory of our ov.'n country fup-
plies me with the ftrongeft inftance, in fupport of
my argument? If Tigherna O'Rourke, king of
Breifna, had not thought it unbecoming a man of
fpirit to be a contented cuckold, he would not have
forced Dermot M'lVIurchad to apply to Henry the
fecond for afllftance : we might then ftill have wan-
dered free and independent among our bogs, got
drunk out of our madders, and ufed qmx jheins with
impunity. — We (hould never have heard of the exe-
crable Poyning, nor of his infernal law ; a law, infi-
dioufiy calculated to break the hearts of our patri-
ots, and to ruin the kingdom.
Thus
The BATCHELOR. 87
Thus cuckoldom was the caufe of onr ftavery and
fubjedtion ; I therefore highly commend my coun-
trymen, for retaliating on our conquerors. Their
prowefs and fuccefs have been fo confpicuous,
that even the ftern Churchill could not refufe
paying tribute to their merit in the following
lines :
" See Dublin, fam'd in legends of romance,
*' For mighty magic of enchanted lance,
" With which her heroes arm'd, vidorious prove,
" And like a flood, rufli o'er the land of love.
I {hall now point out the great benefits which
civil fociety receives from cuckoldom. It is remark-
able, that fome families maintain an heieditary right
to weak intellects and perfonal blemiihes, which uni-
formly defcend from generation to generation. Now,
a wife who has the honour of her family at heart,
may eafily remedy this, and I really think it her in-
difpenfible duty to do fo : fhe will pleafe her good
man by it, and can do him no injury. I am always
delighted to fee the father of a family furrounded
by children whom his wife certifies, tho' they did
not take their rife from him. He fofters and cherift-
es them with as much fondnefs antl a.fedlion, as a
hen that hatches duck eggs, and feeds the ducklings
with the fame care, as if they were her own. A
lady who afls fo judiciouflr, merits the higheft
piaife ; fhe adorns her hulband's tab'e with olive
branches which never fprung from him ; as a fkil-
ful gardener, gathers plumbs off thorn trees, by
grafting a few flips on them.
It
88 The B ATC FIE LO R.
If hufoands would treat their wives with com-
plaifance, and not he offended ai innocent familiari-
ties, they would make proper allowances for flight
-failures in conjugal duties, and 1 ve their hufbands
for the very reajun they now hate them, as it would
be a fufficient excule for applying to others for
comforts which they cannot be lupplied with at
home.
Befides, we fhould confider that cuckoldoni is but
a realbnable fine, which every man fhould chearfully
pay, as it evinces the beauty and merit of his wife in
other people's eyes, and is a juft compliment to his
own tafle. Let thofe who are curfed with homely
domeflic rihs., have the fole enjoyment of them: fuch
women are mean enough to employ their time in
taking care of their houfes and children ; and what
is ftill v/orfe, confine themfelves at home, and fur-
feit their hufb.inds by too much fondnefs. But the
gay and beautitul fliould fcorn to be monopolized ;
they ought to regaid the happinefs of mankind.
Many of them, no doubt, are influenced by the lait-
dable ambition of communicating pleafure all around
ihera ; and it is from that generous principle alone,
and not to gratify any fenfual paffion, that they are
lb willing 10 eafe the torments of their lovers.
Penal laws on cuckoldom or confcienee, I equally
condem.n. Large d.images which are ufually grant-
ed for crim. con. are attended with mod pernicious,
effects. This makes the huibar.d a fpy on his wife,
and an informer againft her gallant, merely fcr the
fake of gain; though gilding his horns no more mi-
tigates his difgrace, than gilding a pill takes off the
naufscus tailc of the phyfic» Population is the
true
The B A T C H E L O R. 89
true objefl of policy in every wife ftate, and if chil-
dren are produced, of what confequence is it to the
community from whom they are originated? Thus
a penalty on cuckoldom, is a rethaint on popu-
lation, and ftrikes at the 'very fir, your's, &c.
Y ANTIPOTATOE.
NUM-
102 The B A T C H E L O R.
NUMBER XIX.
VEpoqiie dt la politeffe des Romnins, efi la meme que
cells de V ctahlijjement dit pour^oir arhitralre.
Le goit'vernment ahfolu produit Voiftvel'c, iff /" oiji-
I'ete fait nut Ire la P'diteJJe. — Plus ily a de gens dans
line nation qui ont hefoin d" a'voir des m':nagemens
entreux i^ de ne pas diplaire, plus il y a de poli-
teffe. Mais c ejl plus la politejfe des niaeurs que
telle des manieres, qui doit nous difiinguer des pen-
pies barhares.
De L'Esprit des Loix.
'R. Plume, in one of his Ingenious efT.iys,
quotes this paffage from Menander, " That
" it is not in the power of the gods, to make a po-
" h"te foldierj" and thenjullly obferves, " the ideas
" v.hich the antients formed of politenefs, mufl; be
" very different from ouis." — It feem?, they imagin-
ed poHtenefs was bed: acquired by cuhivating the
undeiftanding, and iii^proving in philofophy : now,
a foldier's life not being fo well calculated for thefe
intelleclual improvements, gave the comic writer
fome grounds for this fatyrical ftrifture.
Our politenefs is founded on a modifli addrefs,
nicely adjufted to exprefs our refpcd to perfons,
accordir:g to their rank and llation in life ; and there-
fore monarchies, wheie peculiar piivileges are an-
nexed to titles and nobility, muft always be the feat
of elegant un ) poliihcd manners. Montefquicu fays,
that
The B A T C H E L O R. 103
that flavery and politenefs made an equal progrefs
among the Romans j and nobly adds, " that a po-
** litenefs in morals, rather than manners, fliould dif-
" tinguifii a civih"zed people from barbarians."
It is not uncommon, to hear young travellers ex-
patiate on the extreme urbanity of the French pea-
fants, and the rudenefs of the Englifh ones ; not
confidering, that fuch eifeds are necelTarily produc-
ed by the fervility and freedom of their refpedive
governments.
.The free and generous fpirit of liberty and equa-
lity, diffufed among the Grecian Republics, made
each individual difdain a fervile dependence, or
fubjeQion to the will of another : where men were
only dillinguiflied by fuperior Ikill in arts and arms,
they could be little acquainted with thofe forms and
ceremonies, invented to flatter the vanity and arro-
gance of the rich and great.
♦* That idle fupplement of worth,"
That vain pretence to fame,
By vulgar fools fet forth
With honour's facred name.
The empty found which lulls mankind
V/iih fawning titles, flattery, and deceit;
Had not, as yet, become a tool of ftate.
And rul'd the tyrant of the human kind.
GuARiNi's Paftor Fido.
When * fee worthlefs people reverenced merely
for their dignity and fortune, it puts me in mind of
the Egyptians deifying and worfliipping monkeys :
it was an artful and refined Itroke of policy in them,
F 4 to
104 The BATCHELOR.
to fingle out fo ridiculous an anniiiial, in Older to
llicw, that the moil dcfpicable pertbn was intitled to
levcreixe, by the honours conferred on him.
Some illuflrlous perfonagcs choofc to fcrecn thcm-
feives from pub ic view, by pomp and pageantry :
this I think is very excufabie, when it proceeds from
niodeliy, and a confcioufnefs that the iefs they are
known, the more they will be cfteemcd — If they
poflcfTed Ihining talents, and intiinfic merit, they
would be glad to lay afide the ulelels incumbrance
of ftate, and tlifplay thofe qualities which can alone
render men great and amiable. — Such was a Chefter-
field's conduct when among us. To give another
inftance at prefcnt, might be reckoned flattery.
Civility and complaifance, an external poHHi and
refinement, have been adopted, as a fubllitutc for
hiimaiiiiy and benevolence. To difguife every {sn-
timent of tlie human heart, is efteemed an effential
point in modern politenefs, which has arrived to its
litniofl: peife6tion in courts, where there is the great-
ell demarid for difllmu^ation. Thus it ferves a double
purpofe — to varnifh the outfide, and difguife the
heart; like painting window s, which both beautifies
and obfcures them. — This has alfo given birth to the
double entendre, fo much the mode of modern con-
verfation ; for it is not the defign of this fyflem, to
banifh all indelicate ideas, but to gain them an eafier
admifllon, by aiming at the fancy, without offending
the ear. By this means, the imagination is rendered
*' tremblingly alive all o'er," and ready to take fire at
vhe moft dKhnt illufion ; like Phofphorus, which v/ill
biaze by the mere warmth of the hand : it alfo give*
iadies a fpecious pretence of afftfling ignorance, and
fo
The B A T C HELO R. 103
fo liftening to fuch converfation, without any breach
of the laws of decorum.
Certain loofe phrafes are alfo profcribed In good
company, not on account of their immodefty, but
becaufe dirtant hints have a better efFed on a chaffed
and apprehenfive fancy, without conveying precife
ideas, which might reftrain its agreeable wander-
ings.
A nice and faftldlous ear diftingulflies the fafhio-
nable from the unpolifhed part of the fex ; the latter
are feldom offended by indecent words, becaufe they
do not pique themfelves on appearing Ignorant of
their meaning ; — but as fuch expreffions are too
pkin, not to be clearly inlelHgible, they are highly
refented by the former, who are then torced to feeni
angry, to keep up a ihew of modefty.
When a blufli vermiUions the face of a well-bred
woman, it Is fuch a fpurlous one, as Swift mentions,
*' They blufh becaufe they underfland ;" that is,
from the pleafuve they find In the fubjedt, and in
their quicknefs of apprehenfion. — This is very dif-
ferent from the genuine blufh of modefty, the off-
fprlng of a delicate mind, alarmed at any Ideas in-
confilient with its own purity, and wifely defigned
by nature as a check and guard againll the foft and
■feducing allurements of fenfual paffion.
Diffidence, timidity, and a train of delicate appre-
henfions, are the beft prefervatives of female virtue:
modern manners have a dire(St tendency to deprive
, the ladies of ihofe unfafhionable qualities. This
judicious mode of conquering the fair, was firfl in:-
F 5 troduced
io6 The B A T C H E L O R.
troduced in France: the Benux Efprits confiJer a
wojnan like an ai tichoke, which mull be (Iript of its
leaves, to come at its bottom.
Y
NUMBER XX.
-On tJy other fide up rofe
Belial. • hefeemed
For dignity cotnpofed and high exploit :
But all ivas falfe and hollonv j though his tongue
Dropped manna, and could make the ivorfe appear
The better reafon, to perplex and dajh
Mature]} counfels ; for his thoughts ivere loiv ;
To 'vice indujlrious but to nobler deeds
Timorous and Jlothful : jet he plea/ed the ear.
Milton.
To jEOrfRY Wagstaffe, Efq.
SI R,
HAVE always been an admirer of Junfus's At-
tick eloquence. He is equally conrife, clear, and
nervous ; and not more diftinguifhed by fuperior abi-
lities, than by a peculiarity of ftylc, which has pro-
duced fo many vapid and weak imitations. — We
have fcarce a writer in our language, by whom we
can form a comparative idea of his merit. Our
v.'itty conntryman, Swift, has left us no fpecimens
of that rapid and commanding eloquence, which
feems to flow -vith fuch eafe from Junius's pen.
The
The BATCHELOR. 107
The quick and fertile fancy of the one, always fur-
nlllied him with ludicrous comparifons, flinging far-
cafnis, and apt allufions : his language was correft,
expreflive, and intelligible to the meaneft capacity.
The perfuaflve energy of the other, attracts our at-
tention, and as he proceeds, we ftiU conceive an
higher idea of his fubtle genius ; even when we
fuppofe him exhaufted, he aftonifhes us with new
and fiirprifing flrokes of the moil refined and bitter
faiire.
Junlus's letters, and Lord Bolingbroke's papers in
the Ciafts-man, bear a clofe refemblance to each
other ; but the former are manifeftly fuperior. Bo-
lingbroke is difFufe and verbofe ; his periods are
often tedious ; the fenfe left ambiguous by a wrong
arangement, and frequently broken by fuperfluous
and encumbering parenthefes. On the contrary, Ju-
nius condenfes his thoughts ; — they acquire, like a
Phalanx, additional force from their compa£tnefs :
The perfpicuity of his ftyle is remarkable, for it is
impolFible to miftake his meaning. — With all thefe
advantages, Junius is but a fophift : his arguments,
cloathed in a figurative and fplendid diftion, convey
an infidious addrefs to the paflions and prejudices
of his readers, inftead of a candid appeal to their
underflandings.
When a Junius appears, faction revives with new
vigour, and the defponding patriots acquire frefli
courage : all hope is centered in him. They fancy
themlelves in the fame fituation of the Jews, when
their being field by an ungene-
rous abufe of his countrymen, the Scotch? Such a
dpfign implys an involuntary compliment to his Lord-
fliip's integrity.
As a ftriking indance of Junius's fbphiftry and
mifrepiefentation, let us examine the following paf-
fage. " It is not in political quelllons only," fays
he, " (for there the courtier might be forgiven) but
** let the caufe be what it may, your underftanding
*' is equally on the rack, either to contract the pow-
♦• er of the jury, or to miflead their judgment. For
•* the truth of this aflertion, I appeal to the doQrine
" you delivered in Lord Grofvenor's caufe. An
♦' action for criminal converfation, being brought by
•' a peer againfl: a prince of the blood, you were
*' daring enough to tell the jury, that in fi>;ing the
" damages, they v/ere to pay no regard to the quali-
•• ty or fortune of the parties ; that it was a trial be-
" tween A and B — that they were to confider the
" oftence in a moral light only, and give no greater
*' damages to a peer of the realm, than to the
•' meanefl:
The B A T C H E L O R. 109
*' meaneft mechanic." The falfity of Junius's zC-
feriion, will be evident, by quotting that part of
Lord Mansfield's charge to the jury, which Ju-
nius fo malicioully perverts. His lordl^ip fum-
med up the proof with the utniofl: ftriclnefs and
Impartiality, and concluded by faying, " That the
" jury were to copfider the damages recei'ued. ar,d
*' give an adequate recompence to the perfon injured,
" and not give a fum as a punifhment up:^n the per-
<« fon who comniited the injury : for in that cafe it
*' would become rather a fine, which would be en-
<' croaching on- the power of the court, in whofe
<< breaft the inflidling fines alone depends." Here Lord
Mansfield makes a proper and fair diftii.dion, equally
confonant to law and equity. The jury were to be
determined in their verdict, folely by the injury done
to Lord Grofvenor but as that was not aggravated by
the rank of the offender, they were not to be influenc-
ed by it. Lord Mansfield neither faid, nor could be
underftood to mean what Junius alTtrts. His lord-
fh'p's meaning is obvious, and by the very terms
he ufes, the jury muft have feen, that Lord ( rof-
venor's rank and ftation in life, were material cir-
cumftances, immediately recommended to their
confideration. How elfe v;ere they to adjudge fi^^-
yw«/f damages to the plaintiff, according to Lerd
Mansfield's charge ?
Lord Mansfield's treatment of Mr. Blngley, Is alfo
reprefented by Junius with the utmoft fophiftry and
want of candour. Mr. B. was juftly punifhable
for refufing to anfwer interrogatories ; that is deny-
ing the jurifdi(5lion of the court, which certainly iai-
plyes a contempt of it. After two years in)piifon-
ment, he was enlarged, though his confinement
might
no The B ATCHELOR.
might have lalled till he had fubniitted himfelf to
ihe laws of his country. As the court was inverted
with a difcretionary power, L. Mansfield's releafing
Mr. B. was a humane and generous atSt ; yet Ju-
nius attempts to depreciate fuch an aclion by impu-
ting it to a mean and defpicable motive : inrtead
of acknowledging L. Mansfield's humanity in not
detaining Mr. B. any longer a prifoner, he abu-
fes his lordflilp with virulence for detaining him fo
long-
The learned author, indeed, of " Confiderations
" on the modes of trial by information and attach-
" ment," difapproves of both, as uufuitable to the
free fpirit and genius of the BritiOi government, and
wifhes for the conltitutional interpofition of the le-
giflature to limit or abolijh them : but he throws no
ungenerous refledions on the court of King's
Bench, for purfuing thofe modes at prefent, as he
well knew the judges have no authority to deviate
from the etlablifhed and legal forms. This ingenu-
ous manner of reafoning, diftinguifhes candid dif-
quifition from party declamation : but Junius art-
fully afcrlbes the feverlty of the laws in particular
cafes, to the arbitrary decifion of the jmlge, in
order to render Lord Mansfield the objeft of popular
odium.
As Junius has (o audacioufly mlfreprefented Lord
Mansfield in points which lie fo. open to the public
infpedion ; what opinion fhould we entertain of
thofe parts of his letter, wherein he cenfures his
lordfliip's minifterial conduct .'' Let us not fufFer our-
felves to be deceived by the outfide glitter and var-
ni/h of Junius's ftyle, but examine his arguments
divefted
The BAT CHE LOR. in
diverted of all fuperficial embellifliments. His elo-
quent inveftives may dazzle the weak, and alarm the
timid : the fenfible part of mankind will admire his
ingenuity, but laugh at his logic. His fophilllcal
eloquence, fo deficient in truth and reafon, refem-
bles the undulating light often produced by phof-
phorus, which has the luminous property of flame,
but not the heat.
Let every honefl: man reflect with pleafure, that
a confcioufnefs of meriting Junius's cauftic fatire,
can only make him a formidable foe- His rancour
may aim the blow, but confcience muft inflift
the wound. The calm funfhine of the foul, cannot
be clouded by his malevolence. Vice and folly
may feel the edge of his wit, but virtue is in-
vulnerable, as aqua fortis can only penetrate and
dilfolve bafe metals ^ its corrofive quality is loft on
gold.
I am, fir, yours,
P H O C I O N.
NUM-
112 The B ATCIIELOR.
NUMBER XXI.
Hi motus animorum, y hwc cerlamina tantUy
Pul'veris exigui juiiu comprejja quiefciint.
VlRG.
To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq.
SIR,
THE ignorance and perplexity of our financiers,
might induce an unexperienced perfon to
think, that the national accounts depended on alge-
braic calculation — Every quefon propofed by admi-
riftration, though clear and fiinple in itfelf, is ren-
dered obfcure and unintelligible, by the harrangues of
fome half-witted orators. The precifion and point-
ed eloquence of Hutchinfon, cannot refcue the
Houfe from the endlefs perplexities of Sir William
M — y — re, and the obfcure elaborate comments of
Sir Lu — s O'B — n. The candour and moderation
of Mr. Mai one ; his fuperior abilities, which never
excited envy, hecaufe they were never exerted with
un-mannered infolence, to obtain an ungenerous
triumph over the weak and defencelefs : — yet this
diftinguilhed character cannot proteft him from the
illiberal InveClives of the Kilkenny orator, who
feems determined to make his countenance a true
index to his heart. The Attorney General is juftly
rewarded by his rhetorical client ■: perfonal abufe
is the coin with which Mr. F d fees his lawyers.
Few men, perhaps, know mankind better than
Mr. T 11 j though he was deceived in the
orator,
The B A TC HE LOR. 113
orator, and Is juflly puniflied for his want of fa-
gacity.
Lafl; Saturday's proceedings furnifh the ftrongeft
proof of the temper and principles of our patriots
— Procrafcination and delay are their objcds. The
fervants of tie crown agreed to every meafure
which had the leaft tendency to public utility —
The arrears of half-pay, and officer's widows,
were ftruck otf, and the only point in debate,
was to prevent any injuftice to particulars^ which
might arife from this innovation.
To give the reader a clear idea of the fubjefl, I
fnall iiifert a (hort abftradl of the national account,
as it then ftood.
Debt at Lady-day, 1771, by re- ^
port of the Committee of Ac- > 788)474 u 4-|
counts. J
To which was added, fo much
difpofed of by addrefs of the
Houfe of Commons, in feilion
1769, being a balance due
from Mr. Prat, late deputy
vice-treafurer,
i7'994 » 5i
Difmifled colledors, 14,060 14 loi
i;82o,^29 7 7J
iC'094.
114 The B ATC HELOR.
jCio94, a faving on the army, was deduced from
the debt in the pubh'c accounts, by the Coinmittee
to whom they were referred.
Struck off.
Arrear of penfions, — — 2,514 8 4I
• of oificers widows, — 24,237 5 i^
ofh;ilf-pa, —
11,457
'4
I
I 38-209
782,320
7
» 1
/a
jC820,529
7
7-1
Funded debt rcmnining un- ^
A .T 4 J > 725 ,000 O O
drawn at Lady-day, 1771. j ' '
On this ground, the Attorney General propofed
the following refolution, " That the debt of the
" nation at Lady-day, 1771, amounted to the fum
" of 782,3201."
Mr. Huifey moved for another refolution, " That
" the funded debi of the nation at Lady-
•' day, 1771, only amounted to 725,000 i." If
this had paffed, the balance between the two fums,
(57,320 1.) which was unavoidably expended in
lupport of his Majefty's government, would not
be included in the national debt ; — and though eve-
ry article of expence, which had occafioned the
excee dings in the laft two years, had been already
laid before the Committee of Accounts; yet, if
this
The B A TC HE LOR. 115
this abfurd motion had been carried in the afEr-
mative, the Committee of Supply muft have refold-
ed itfelf into a Committee of Accounts, to vvrar,gle
8}ice more over thefe articles ! Numberlefs precedents
were produced, to fhew that the Attorney Gene-
ral's motion was parliamentary and proper. The
patriots, unable to anfwer their opponents argu-
ments, moved for the quellion of adjournment, and
divided upon it; but finding every eifort ineffedlual,
and that a fpirited majority were determined to do
their duty, they at laft retired in defpair, and gave up
the point,
I fhould not omit mentioning a debate, which
enfued on a jefolution being propofed, for applying
9000I. to the credit of the nation, (returned in the
arrears) . This was the remaining balance of a large
fum, appropriated by a£t of parliament, to ere£l bat-
teries for the fecurity and defence of the harbour of
Corke, and to purchafe arras for the militia.
Lord Townfhend, it feems, in his tour through
the fouthern parts of the kingdom had obferved
the prefent defencelefs ftate of the harbour of
Corke. The money formerly granted, was jobbed
away in building a fort and batteries, where they
could be of no fervice. The fort has fallen into
ruins, by the firing of the guns on rejoicing days !
— yet there is an ifland in the mouth of the har-
bour, where batteries might be ereded, which
would in fome degree proted the trade of that opu-
lent and commercial city. This idea his Excel-
lency adopted — An eftimate had been made out,
and it appeared, that the intended plan might be
executed for 7500. Mr. Ponfonby, the late Speak-
er,
ii6 The BATCHELOR.
er, oppofed the meafure ; very confiftentlv', Indeed,
becaufe it was not a job. — " He talked oi i 50,000 1.
" being abfolutely requifite for the work." His
fon, one of the reprefentaiives of the city of Co ke,
likewife exerted his hereditary eloquence, againft
the efTential intereft of that city which had chofen
him. Mr. F d digreJJ'ed in his ufual manner, and
peremptorily infided, " That there was no occa-
" fion for fonifications in this kingdom, as he
" very well knew that France v/ould never in-
" vade us. The idea was prepofterous and ab-
<* furd." To Ihew his fiill in geography, he faid,
" a French fleet muft fail up the Englijb Channel^
** and force its way through the Britifh fleet, in
" order to land in i\iQ fouthern or ivejlern parts of
" this kingdom ! — That there was no reafon to
*' believe that Conjlans intended to land troops on
'• our coaft:, though Thurot (who was to a£l in
" concert with him) had landed in the North. —
«♦ That he would never believe it. — That if the
" French intended to Jlrike at the 'vitals of our
*' conjlitution, they fliould embark ai Calais, and land
*' at Dover !"
You may think, Mr. Wagftaffe, that I mifrepre-
fent his mode of reafoning — I appeal to a numerous
audience for the truth of what I advance. In fliort,
this celebrated orator often put me in mind of the
Barber's Boy, in the farce of the Upholfterer.
Sir Lu — -s O'B — n droped his ufual grave and
fententious addrefs, and atFefted to be facetious.
Sir W. M — y — re was treated by Mr. Scot, like
the afs in the fable, for miltaking his talents, and
mimicking
I'he BATCHELOR.
117
mimicking the tricks of a kp-dog ; this gentle
correction may be of Infinite fervice to both thefe
knights.
C 1 B — rt — n fpoke in a manly, fpirited ftyle :
his arguments were well received by the lloufe, and
had weight in deciding the quellion.
I am, fir, yours, &c.
Novemher the z6ihy 1771.
A SENATOR.
NUMBER XXII.
To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq.
SIR, '
I OWN myXelf particularly pleafed with a true
charafteriftical |)anegyric on that fublime, and
nervous orator, Mr. Flood, in laft Saturday's Free-
man. The noble author, (L — d Cha nt) who
affumes the name of Tacitus, pofTefTes, in an eminent
degree, both the fententious precifion of the hifto-
rian, and the fentimental tafte of Longinus. The
following extract from his clafiical epiftle, will fur-
nifli the beft proof of my affertion. " I have heard
♦* much of Demofthenes, from the teftimony of his
" contemporaries; of Cicero, from his own. They
*' where the ornaments of the moft refined ages of
<• antiquity ; — Mr. Flood is the ornament of an age
** ftill more refined : his tafte is manly, his images
♦* are
ii8 The BAT CHE LOR.
«' are juft — his knoiuledge accurate and extettfive.
«« As the fubjeit requires it, lie ftrikes you down of
" a fudden, with the flrong quick lightning of the
<• Athenian orator ; or conj'umes you with the flow,
<' fteady conflagration of the Roman. If Longinus
" were now living, he wouid join me in fl:amping
*' both ihefe charaders on Mr. Flood, as readily as
" he beflowed them feparately on Deniollhenes and
«' Tully."
It is my utmofl: ambition, fir, to illuflrate the jufl:
and beautiful fentiments of this judicious critic, by
giving them a poetical drefs : you, Mr. Wagftatfe,
will have another opportunity of convincing the
public of your impartiality and candour, by inferting
the inclofed verfes, and treating with proper defe-
rence and refpeft, a man, who by the moll: vigorous
and perfeverir.g efforts, in every noble ftudy and fci-
ence that can accomplifli the orator, has at lafl: at-
tained the fummit of perfeftion, and is now become
the fcourge of corruption, the terror of the court,
the champion of his country, and the pillar of
oppofition. I could fay much more on fo inex-
hauftible, and agreeable a fubje£t, but I juft: recol-
le<5t Pliny's maxim, *' Amici eji, ne quenquam enerare
" laudibus"
I am, fir, yours,
PHILO TACITUS.
The B A TC HE LOR. 119
To H Y F D, Efq.
I.
OF D, thou genius of the age,
Hibernia's exultation [
You ftrike us with the lightning's rage ;
Confume by conflagration.
IL
By mere ilijiortion you arofe,
True eloquence to fpout j
As inufic from a cymbal flows,
By luinding it about.
III.
Your tafte Is manly j—^j/r^^jufl:.
Which fpring from objects local ;
Your tropes like to a torrent burft,
** And makes the benches 'uocal."
IV.
As tumblers y?rf/f/^ their nat'ral fize,
Ey Jirainitig every joint ;
So you from Truth, can fubtilize.
To reach a fav'rite point.
Were F d's, like Cori'lanus' fpite,
The French might foon come over j
With him from Calais fail at night,
And next day land at Dover.
VI.
120 The BATCHELOR.
VI.
The foutli and weft of Ireland's coaft,
By geography, you'd fhun ;
Nor to attain that deftined port,
Thro' Englifh Channel run.
VII.
Whifkey and Freedom's all your cry,
You praife Timoleon's cafe ;
Who thank'd the gods with upca/i eye,
When knaves fpit in his face.
VIII.
You everfcorn, with laurels wreath'J,
Court funfliine, or its ftorms ;
As hardy Jhips, in copper Jheath' J,
Defy both waves and worms.
IX.
Beyond Demofthenes you roar,
In a£tion outdo Tully j
Whilft Fame proclaims from fliore to lliore,
Our Orator, and Bully.
X.
If Athens yet in arts had Hione,
She'd yield the palm, tho' /oth ;
Rome would fuperior Callan own,
Parnassus, bowtoHowTH.
XI,
The B ATCHELO.R. 121
XI.
Let all be hufli'd— He means to rife j
— The hemming courtiers fees ;
Then threats, and marks with vengeful ejes
AH thofe who cough or fneeze.
XII.
J s and II n, with patriots rnvge !
Ey your invedtlves drawn ;
So cudgeWd pigs their nature change,
And take the name of Brawn.
XIII.
Your humour neiVi and poignant wit,
Ev'n H ch n could feel !
With fharp, and brilliant pun you hit.
That NAVE within the wheel.
XIV.
O long may Flood the fenate grace,
His country's friend, and darling !
Remain a patriot out of place.
To guard us by his f/iarlirrg.
NUM-
12.2 The B A T C H E L O R.
NUMBER XXIII.
^ter.quani res agitur Jolenni feria pompa,
Spernit follicitum intradalilis ille tumult tun,
Et riju importunus adejl, atque omnia turbat.
JVlACiiiN.t Ge3ticulantes, Add.
To Jeoffry Wag staff e, Efq.
SIR,
*>0 a gentleman of your facetious turn, I addrefs
rDylelfwith little difficulty: both of us lo-
vers of mifih, we cannot divert the public without
contributing at the fame time to our own entertain-
ment : befides, if you are fo good, as to uflier my
humours into the world from the Mercury, I fhall
think niyfelf bound, in the honefc hoarlenefs of
friendlliip, to croak out fome encomiums on you, at
the little theatre in Stafibrd-ftrcet.
Your patron, the political Punch, who like myfelf,
teazes and diverts all parlies alternately, is a man
after my own heart : he never brings a face o{ bufi-
nefs, or an air of importance into places dedicated to
relaxation and merriment.
The delight he, his children, and the beautiful
young lady, who I am told is fiiortly to become his
Joan, exprelTed at my laft exhibition, has made fuch
an impreinon on me in his favour, that I have taken
fome pains to compofe a few rhymes for his amufe-
meut.
Ihe B ATCHE LOR. 123
nient, on a fubjefl, of which I am as Competent a
judge as my name-fake Sir Toby, who I hear intends
ihortly to talk about it in lerious profe, at a rival
theatre in College-green,
1 am ever, dear Wagllaffe,
Sancho's friend and yours,
Btafford-Jlreel, yi Feb.
P U N C H.
I.
COME all ye lovers of the dance.
Brought of late from fprighily France,
Many a jig perhaps you've knovi'n,
But none like our Cotillion,
II.
Patriots, Courtiers, mingled fee.
Some in dumps, and fame in glee ;
Thefe rejoice, while thoje louk on,
At this merry Cotillion.
ill.
Sancho bids the pipe play up,
Yet fvvears before the dance he'll fup ;
*'■ Since the dye at laft is thrown,
" Why not dance a Cotillion ?"
IV.
Rudy O — b — ne leads the band,
I.ink'd with Mafon hand in hand j
B — rn — d next, from BoJIonJIoivni
Joins this motly Cotillion.
Gz V,
124 The BATCHELOR.
"W — 11 — r too, that courtly beau,
(With him by Hill — b — h ta^en in lozvj
Tells them all his cares are gone,
And trilks about in Cotillion.
VI.
Flood indignant roars aloud,
(Idol of the gaping crowd)
♦' M^/.u/e they frolic, let us groan,
*' And interrupt this Cotillion.
VII.
See Sir George arriving late.
Calls it a/«M.v pas of ftate,
Yet as ufual, en hon ton.
Recommends this Cotillion.
VIII.
Ponfonby with feign'd furprize,
Damns both the cuftoms and excife ;
Since his dancing days are gone,
He trys to mar this Cotillion.
IX.
H 1 who loves nor dance nor fong,
Takes his place amidil the throng,
And crys, " I'm pleas'd at this I own,
" That Shannon hates the Cotillion."
X.
The B A TC HE LOR. 12^
X.
An d s in a jovial mood,
Swears 'tis for the country's good ;
Tho' his ruinp with fat's o'er grown,
He'll join in ev'ry Cotillion.
XI.
The Marquifs In a witty fpeech,
Lor.d Sancho threatens to impeach,
And vows that nothing fhall atone,
For this unlatvful Cotillion.
XII.
Scowling Brov/nlow views the groupe,
Mad as Bacchanalian troupe,
And prefers the bagpipe's drone,
To this Caftle Cotillion.
XIII.
Lucius, bufy, dull, and proud,
Sne«ring at the fervile crowd ;
Swears he'll ftiake the chair alone,
If it joins the Cotillion.
XIV.
Father John in difma! tune,
Whines, " We fhall be beggar'd foon,"
The mitre from his fon is thrown.
Which makes him curfe this Cotillion.
G3 XVi
126 The B ATCHELOR.
XV.
He late defied Hibernia's foes,
Uut JefF — ys led him by the nofe^
And bid him preach to his old crone,
Nor fpoil his little Cotillion.
XVI.
D — ly rcxt bewails our fate,
And paints the couniry's ruin'd ftate ;
Swears vvcMl vv^int another loan,
To fupport this Cotillion.
XVII.
Sage Malone with downcafl: brow,
Shakes his wig, and wonders how,
The Common's vote (liould be o'er thrown,
By crafty Sancho's Cotillion,
XVIII.
Mount — r — s, B — h. — m — nt, and M — r,e.
Oh were they but here again,
They'd work old Sancho to the bone,
For calling up this Cotillion.
XIX.
When this horrid plot was told,
llow the country's bought and fold ;
Lord Shannon met my Lord Tyrone,
An/{ then they ilanc'd a dtiilion.
Feb. ^th 1772.
N U M-
The B ATCHELOR. m
yf7jere/is all ivriters and reafoners have agreed, that
there is a Jlriit uni'verfal refemblance heiiueen the
natural and loii'ical bodj, can there he any thing
vi'jre evident, than that the heal'h cf both mujl he
preferred, and the dijeafes cared hy th^ fame pre-
Jcriptionf It is alloived, that fer.ates and great
councils are ojten troubled 'with redundant, ebulli-
ent, and other peccant humours ; "uiith many dij-
eafes of the head, and more of the heart ; 'with
Jlrongconvulftons, ijoith grievous contrarians of the
nerves and fneivs in both hands, hut efpecially in
the right ; vuith fpleen, fatus, vertigoes, and de-
liriums J vjith fcrophulous tumours, full of feet id,
purulent matter ; ivith fovuer, frothy rudations ;
voith canine appetites, and crudenefs of digejlion ;
heftdes many others needlefs to mention. This Dc£ior
therefore propofed, that upon the meeting of a fenate,
certain phyfcians JJ:ould attend at the three fir ft
days of their fitting, and at the clofe of each day^s
debate, feel the pulfe of every fenator ; and pre-
fcribe as their fever al cafes required, [sc.
Gulliver's Travels.
To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq.
SIR,
I HEARTILY wifh the fcheme propofed by the
I.aputan projcflor, was adopted, as it would be
ciilremel)' beneficial to the public. There are fjnie
G 4 peculiar
128 The BATCHELOR.
peculiar difeafes, which feem wholly confined to the
fenate ; I fl all, therefore, fpecify the maladies and
fymptoms, which are charafteriftical of the perfons :
thofe I ferioufly recommend to the care and
fkill of Dr. Solomon, in hopes of feeing them enroll-
ed amon^ his honourable lift of patients, who have
certified themfctvcs radically cured by that eminent
phyfician.
I am, fir, yours,
SaVV-NEY Cu\'IGAM20, C. S.
H — ry FI — d, Efq; afflicted wiih a fharp bilious
chollc, which often felzes him in ihe middle of a de-
hate. His face appears convulfed and dirtortcd, his
brow knit, his ful clenched, which he frequently
Ihikes on the bench. In the paroxyfm of the fit,
he abiifed every body who fits oppofite to hiiii, cal-
ling them flavifn dependents of corruption, tools of
an arbitrary, tyrannical adminiltration. — If the com-
niilTioneis of accounts or excife are mentioned, he
leeins affecled like a perfon bit by a mad dog, in the
angu;(a of the hydrophobia. — It is remarkable, that
Mr. Fl — d can feldom pronounce a word of lefs than
five fyllables during the fit.
Sir William M — ne, horribly afflifted with fcro-
phulous tumours, which he contracted by wafhing in
the river Tweed. His brain is alfo fomewhat d!f-
ordered, by the pains he took in teaching the chien
fca
is afflifted with a complication of diforders, which'
has deprived him of all memory and undetftanding,.
fo that he could not, for many years, remember a-
promife he had made but an hour before. He-
is at prefent in the laft ilage of a galloping confump—
tion.
W — m B low, Efq; ever fince the year 1753^-
has been troubled with fower, frothy ru6lations,-
which proceed from a foul ftomach.
W m B — gh, Efq; is infane, as he believes in;
the tranfmigration of fouls, and fancies he is the ex--
ecutioner who beheaded King Charles the Ift. He;
often wilhes to be employed in his old office, and!
longs for a. fubjiantial a£t of jujiice.
The D — e of L — fler's malady is the flatus, -
vertigo, and vapours. He often fuppofes himfelf
Lord Lieutenant, and then performs the moft ridi-
culous actions : foraetimes he goes in ftate to his
ftables, in a bomb-cart, painted over with ducal co-
ronets, which he calls a (late coach. — One of his
podillions then prefents him a memorial, for an ad--
ditional allov/ance of fmall-heer and oats 3 his Grace ■
G 5 replies,.
130 The B A TC H E L O R.
repliep, <• Le Roi le veut." At another time lie
iflues out an order on the dairy-maid, for an extraor-
dinary jug of creain, which he ftylcs a wairant on
the treafury for his quarter's falary.
The E — 1 of Bel-'—nt has been afHi^led thefe
many years with St. Vitas's dance. He loft his fen-
fes in Lord Northumberland's admlniftration, by the
nisgical effects of a red ribband which was pre-
fented to him at the Caftte. The fight of a Chan-
cellor's wig, or a bidiop's caul, makes him outrage-
ri!S : he then jabbers an unintelligible jargon, and
fKips and runs about like a monkey that has flip'd his
chain.
Lords L — fle and B — 1 — lafs are troubled with
grievous contrr.dlions of the nerves and fniews of
both hands ; efpecially Lord B — 1 — lafs. It is
remarkable that thefe fpafms feem hereditary in
his family. — Both thefe peers are alfo torment-
ed v.'iih caiiine appetites, and a crudenefs of digef-
tion.
The right hon. J — s F cue, Efq; Crews
evident fymptoms of idioiifm and lunacy. Howe-
ver the Chancellor has refufed to appoint him guar-
dians, as Mr. F' cue takes uncommon ci\t of his
fortune, and ufes every means to preferve it. This
term, he filed a bill in Chancery, to prove himfelf
one of Do6lor Swift's co-heirs. lie fues for two
appartments in the hofpital, as he claims under a
double title. Mr. Malone is his counfel, and as he
is particularly acquainted with Mr. F cue's cafe,
he makes no doubi of his client's iuccefs.
Com-
e The B A TCHELOR. 131
Coun(elIor F tz -ns, contraded a' poly-
pus in the heart, at the Jefuits college, in St. Omer's.
This poor old man defpairs of his recovery, as he is
perfuaded, that nothing but holy 'water., confecrated
by a bifhop of his own familv'j will relieve him.
His breath is fo tainted by the corrupt pus in his
heart, that it would often prove mortal to his fi lends,
if he was not forced out of the Houfe, before the
queilion is put.
Lord M — ra, unfoitunately had the Cerebrum
and Cerebellum totally difplaced, by getting ti rock
too much in the cradle, during his infancy. There-
fore from a natural cefeft in his inteliedls, and not
from any moral depravity, he falfifies and mifrepre-
fents every clrcumfi:ance and ftory he relates.
Truth is refracfed into falfehood, by paHlng through
the medium oi his brain, as an oar appears crooked
in the v/ater.
The Earl of Ch — mout, has been afrliifted ever
fince he was of age with a locked javj, which feizes
him periodically ia the Houfe of Lords. He firfi:
contra further mark of his reconciliation with govcrn-
•' ment, he would a(k for the next blue ribband, and
" for fome honourable promotion in the law for the
" friend he was talking to." — I heard them both
agree, in an under voice, that Sir William M — ne
was of no fervice to any party, and hoped that he
would never again return to Ireland, to perplex and
delay the bufinefs of the nation.
Lord Townfhend, in the mean time, with a coun-
tenance full of difcontent and ftupidity, withdrew in
the moft ungracious manner from the company that
furrounded him, and making to the chaplain's box,
lie there fhut himfelf up, drawing the cui tains clofe
about him: his fecretary, Mr. Malcne, the Prime
Serjeant, the Provoft, and many other refpe<5table
perfons came to confult with him, but he flounced
from one fide to the other of his box, and refufed to
hear them. To their advice he made no other an-
iwer than, " that he had taken his refolution, and it
" was in vain to argue with him, for he never
" changed his opinion for any man." — On this they
left him, with manifeft tokens of wonder. He then
pulled out a memorandum book, and a pencil ; I
could fee he made feveral entries of a very frivolous
nature, tho' with a face of much attention and im-
portance : amongfl; the reft, I remember there was
a nev/ receipt for making F'uller's balls, to take
ftains o'at of his footmen's liveries, and a hint tow~
ards improving an engine for dividing boiled beef
into pounds, half pounds, and quarters, with many
others of the fame nature; all very III fpelt and in
characters like thofe of a child who is learning to
join his letters.
The
T^6 The B A T C H E L O R.
The Earls of E — y and Sh — on, were the next
who took their places. After they had made their
bows and withdrawn, Lord E — y talked in a very
fullen, diftatorial manner to his friends of the
county of Wexford. I heard him fay to counfeilor
H — 11 — n, and two gentlemen of his own name and
family, " that unlefs they went through thick and
" thin with him, they might bring themfclvcs to
" parliament the next time, for he would have done
"with them." — Lord Sh^ — on was all complaif-
ance and affability, inviting every one he met to
pafs fome time with him at Caftlemartyr ; and af-
furing them, with an air of great franknefs, they
might command every thing of which he was mafter.
To this couple fucceeded Mr. P — rry and Mr.
P by. After Mr. Richardfon had done with
the former, I heard him fay, that in all his prac-
tice he had never diflefled a founder cranium, that
though the brain was light and compact, yet it
lay eafy, and the cells were admirably divided. — <
But my furprize was great, when I faw Mr. Cun-
nin|diam (who had Mr. P by's head in his
hand) throw away his faw, and take up a pen-
knife, with which he fepaiated the hinder part
from the finciput, with as much eafe, as if he had
been cutting up a paper lantern. He could not
forbear crying out, (during the operation) in his
country dialed, (which is the Scotch) " Weei,
** dam my b!ud, if in aw my experience, I ever
♦* kend the like ont ; the cheeld's heed is as foft
" and fpOHgy as a pink'd orange, or an Edinburgh
" turnip." When Mr. P — rry withdrew, there
was a total change in his behaviour; he frequently
laughed without any caufe, thumped one gentle-
man on the back, and embraced another to whom
he
The B AT CHE LOR. 137
he was a ftranger ; he was always looking about
for fomebody to lliake hands with, fwore repeat-
edly " he would fupport his friends to tne lalt,
" but if the houfe defired him to carry up their
" addrefs, he'd refign the next .morning j lb they
*• might all fink or fwim together." He then got
into the chair with an hop, ftep, and jump, and
(tho' the houfe was not fitting) put fe\reral quef-
tions almoil in the fame breath, making as many
miflakes in almoft every one of them,
Mr. P by, on the other hand, became com-
pofed and ferious : he walked to his feat with a
ileidy even pace, keeping his eye on the objeilll he
was moving towards : he feldom looked about him,
yet behaved with a mixture of coniplaifance and
dignity to every one that addrefied him. This
couple had fome converfation together, and when
they parted, the by-ftanders faid in a whifper,
loud enough for me to hear, " that if their heads
** had been exchanged two years fooner, Mr.
*' p. — rry would never have got the chair, nor Mr.
" P by refigned it." a
Sir George Macaitney and Mr. Fl — d, then paf-
fed thro' the hards of the furgcons. Their under-
ftandings feemed neither much improved nor im-
paired by their new occupits; but it was obferved
that Mr. Fl — d's didlion became more poliflied and
intelligible, and that his countenance foftened ;
while Sir George's grew ferocious, his gefture me-
nacing, and his addrefs loft much of its ufual gen-
tlenefs and infinuation.
A very extraordinary circumftance prevented an
exchange between the Provoft and Vice Provoft,
who
138 The BATCHELOR.
who were the next fubjeiSls. As Mr. Richardfbn
was applying the half fkull of Dodor CI t's to
the head of the Provoft, the laft mentioned gentle-
man flirug'd up his fhoulders, and complaining of
fomething trickling down his neck, ir.fifted on
looking into the occupit of the DoiFlor. The con-
tents had no appearance of brains, either in colour
or confiftence, but the cavity feenied to be filled
with a reddilh liquor, like that of the infide of a
melon. The Provoft immediately fcized the artift's
Jiand, and protefled ftrongly againfl: being put ofF
with a (kul! that could be only a dead wight on
him, inftead of his own, v.'hich was allowed by all
prefent to be a very compleat one. — The friends of
DoQor CI 1 (v/ho were chiefly in the gallery)
feemed greatly mortified, when Mr. Richardfon ref-
tored the Provoft's head to its firft ftate, as Mr.
Cunningham did the fame to that of the Doftor.
Our expeftations were greatly raifed by the next
couple, Mr. Malone, and a gentleman who had ma-
ny alias's to his name, being called Counfeilor
J — n F — tz ns, alias Father John, rJuTs Fryar
John, alias John the Dominican. When Mr. Ma-
lone was feated, (which took up fome time) I ob-
ferved Surgeon Richardfon did not proceed to bufi-
nefs with his ufual prefence of mind and alacrity.
He furveyed the head feveral times with great re-
verence, and feemed unwilling to do it any violence.
The patient at length gently chid him for the delay,
and told him, " if the houfe were fitting, he might be
•' calledtoorderforkeeping them waiting:" Mr. Rich-
ardfon then pulled a cordial out of his ppcket,fwa!low-
ed it, and performed the operation. Nor was Surge-
on Cunningham lefs embarraiTcd by his patient, who
infilled peremptorily that the v.'Ork fliould be done
withoiit
Th B ATCHELOR. 139
without his taking off his periwig. His pretence
was, he was afraid of cold; but a friend who was
in the focret, whifpered nie, that he did not care to
have his head uncovered, as the maiks of the
Tonsure were dill to be feen in it.
When the bufinefs was over, the exchange fcem-
ed greatly in favour of Counfellor F^— tz ns : his
voice became clear, ftrong, and harmonious ; the
little he faid on every fubjett was pertinent and
v/eighty, and there was an air of uncommon can-
dour and dignity in his whole behaviour. — Mr.
A^hdone uttered fome inchoherent fentences in a ve-
ry difagreeable tone of voice, which were ill re-
ceived by the few who had patience to liften to
him.
As Mr. C y and his brother-in-law, Mr,
St — p! — s, were advancing, a member remarkable
for his pleafantry, (I think it was Mr, Scott) made a
propofal which was agreed to : " That Mr. C y
*' (hould remain as he was, becaufe it feemed
•' impofliible to determine who was his oppofits
•' party-man ; and becaufe no new occupit could
♦' make him more oppofite to himfelf, than his own
«' aiftions had already made him. For the truth
*< of which, he appealed to that gentleman's con-
♦' duQ during Lord Tounfhends adminiftration, to
" his brother-in-law the commiflloner, and above
" all, to the feveral voles he had given on both
fides of queftions of the very fame import, concern-
•' ing the commiffioners of excifc." Mr. Commif-
fioner G — e hearing this, flopped out of hi;; place,
and defired to be confidered as under the fame con-
tradiflory predicament with Mr. C y. His
condui^It being examined, his pica was admitted,
and
140 The BATCH ELOR.
and he alfo was excuftd from undergoing the ope-
ration.
Many fucceding couples interchanged their heads,
without any extraordinary occurrence. I muft juft
take notice, that in every inftance, the whole nature
of the pcrfons feemed to be transferred with the
half of their brains. Thus the ftupid became
witty ; the rude poliihed j the giddy ferious, and
fo,
Mr. Soleiiin.
Mr. Solemn. No, fir. Wc nmft have a reckoning
on that point fiift, it ia my own concern.
Sir Tohy. Or niir.c. But tliat matter will break
ro ftjuarei., we will fettle the matter amicably
and tof; lip for it. \_Alule'\ Tf old Sir Toby was
alive, I ml^ht have rode a match for it, and dart-
ed his P;Kit;reen mare againil Solemn'^ Limerick
Bangno.
"jaik. Conllder, gentlemen, that I have nothing
now to depend on hut your bounty; by your ad-
vice, (for 1 never /hould have done It of my own
head) I have promifed never to take either a peer-
age o: a penfion.
Sir Tohy^.^ But nobody believed yon, your name's
a proverb; for you broke your proniife fo often, that
it is not expftled you ihould keep it nov/.
yack. So, gentlemen, you don't think mc bound
by this promife.
Omnss. By no means.
Jack. Egad I am glad of it, I have had many an
uneafy ho'ir, and Lady B y, poor good foul, is
lather difiatistled, and fays I have been walking in
trammels
The B A TC HE LOR. 151
trammels ever fince I made it, for in G— 's name,- if
I keep it, what will become of me. ivirh a new Lord
Lieutenant — By the way, have you any private let-
ters from England that mention a change? This is a
damned affair of Colonel Lutlerel's, and Doctor
Lucas. By the by, I wonder he is not here : my
Lord Marquifs where is he ?
Marnuifs. I h-ve not feen him fince tlie franchi-
fes.
Jack. My dear Marquifs, I am told you and he
made a gloiious figure that day, and that V^ulcan and
Venus, the printing-prefs and ftocking-loom, were
nothing to you.
Prince. It was a well judged, patriotic meafure.
I fiiould have gone to fee the raree-fhew myfelf,
but I took phyfick that day, and (o fent young
Billy. By the way, don't you think the licenfe of
the prefs is greatly abufed ; the venerable fenator,
Do6tor Lucas has been fqueezed into a ballad, and
fung all over the town to the tune of " my Kitten
my Dearee."
Mr. Polyphlolhoios. The licence of the prefs is a
facred privilege [a long pauze] without it the Free-
man's Journal would want fome of my beft effays.
My Pollhumus, my Sindercomb, [pauze] my Lord
Childermount you know the value of thefe works,
your kind obfteterick hand brought them to light ;
your tafte approved, and your praife fanQihed them
through ali the city.
H 4 Furze.
152 The BATCHELOR.
Furze. Come. Mr. Polyphlolboios, be juH: ; I
furnifhed a few clalFick fprings of rue and wormwood
to compleat the nofegay.
Mr. Folyfhhjhom. You did, my be ft beloved .'
my other felf, were T not Polyphlolboios, I would be
Furze. When I get i;ito parliament at the other fide
of the water, I will leave you my mantle, with a
double portion of the fpirit of Sindercomb.
"Jack. What you may do as to that, docs not
concern the prcfent bufinefs. What is to be done?
Gentlemen, it is hard ; becaufe I am a Ipeaker, no
body will give their opinion on this weighty affair.
Pray, my lord, what do you think of a memorial in
this critical time. Your highriefs has a damned
good hand at a memorial.
Prince. I do not concern myfelf in public affairs,
but I wilh fome of you would prepare one — No, I
-will get wife P r B — ; — e, or fenfible R d
N — 1 — n to do ir, and then you know they cannot
fay it was I that did it.
LordCul'verin. For mv part, I think that will do
no good : and as for addrefles and reinonftrances,
my bro'her Topfail writes me woid from England,
they won't do neither : he fays they have tiied ail
ways to right the veflel, but (he will neither obey
the helm nor ftays. She's as bad as the corporation
of Y — gh — II. I wifh the devil had them all, and I
my g eat guns again-
Jack.
The BATCHELOR. 153
Jack. ■ Come, come, my lord, don't be fulky, all
will be well again.
Lord CuI'verin. Yes, to be fure, with fuch a pilot
as you are: you have almoft foundered us, and we
fhall all be loft, un'.eis a frefh gale fprings up, and
blows over to us Lord Rochfort, or Lord Harcourt,
Lord Sandwich, or Lord Any-body but this damned
Lord Sancho.
Jack. That to be fure is the main point ; is there
no way to frighten him, libel him, or cajole him out
of Ireland. Mr Polyphlofboios, do tip him another
Sindercomb. Sir Toby Punch, you have a very
pretty hand at an Agricola. Mr. Solemn, what fay
you ?
Mr. Solemn. I cannnt write, fpeaking is my fort.
Sir Tohy. And I am going to London : perhaps
I may tip him an AgriccLi in the London Chroni-
cle.
Lord Childer mount. I'll have a caricatura drawn
of him for my baby-houfe in the country. Sancho,
the adorned knight (as the Marquis calls him) Lord
Screech Owl, and Boiachio, will make a fine group-
for a Dutch picture. When it is fi.nifhed you /halL
come and fee it. I have loft my favourite artift,
Ennis J but I'll write to my friend Gimcrack, to
fend me fome one excellent in that way from Lon-
don, for we have none here. You fliall come and
fee the pidure, and I'll (liew you my library ; it's a
fine room, 56 by 24, and the beft collection of Mo-
rocco, vellum and culf Ikin, of any nobleman's in the
H e kingdom
154 The B ATC H E L O R.
kingdom, all in admirable prefervatlon, for they are
never opened. I hnve a choice fel of little elzivir^
in wood, which you fhall fee too, and a fet ot poets
and Roman emperors, three of tlicm without heads,
but all of them originals; I hought them in Italy
:unong feveral other things, which all came fafe
except the Pindar, a little Rolonia lap-dog, and a
pebble ftone which my horfe picked up eroding the
jiver Scamander near old Troy, and honeft Murphy
Jhall iell you the ilory.
JaLh. I hear they arc curious, my lord ; but I had
rather fee them than 'talk of them. My lords and
f^cntlemen, here's another prorogation, and all this
10 gratify Borachio and Jack Prancer. Damn it,
gentlemen, what has Spaw to fay to the Proroga-
tion ? Ireland muft be ruined, becaufe lady Knock-
lofty goes to Spaw.
Sir Toby. I proteft, gentlemen, as far as I can
fee the cafe, Mr. Promife fpeaks very wifely ; what
has Spaw lo fay to the prorogation? Nothing in the
world, gentlemen. As for my part, gentlemen, t
proteft, and I am fincere when 1 protell, I believe
Lucan waters would cure lady Knocklofty of the
fcurvy as cfFetf^ually as all the waters in Germany.
Hut what the devil has Borachio to fay to water-
drinking .'' do not we all know it was never his pre-
cept or practice in Ireland.
P'jJyphJofl'oios. Curfe on the prorogation — It is the
■very bane of oratory How can a n:an arrive at the
flowery plains of honour and reputation, but through
^^e nnilt;tiidinous fca of political contell: and debate,
where the multifarious iubjeds call forth the innate
powets of the whole man ; when the exquifite
phrafeology
The B A T C H E L O R. 155
phrafeology of polyfyllables, too big for utterance,
agitate the whole frame, make the eyes ftare like
the infpired Sybils, and when the uplifted hand
forces even the oaken benches to re-echo the fpeak-
er's reputation. My lords and gentlemen, it was
a fortunate prorogation for Prancer. I had penned
and pradtiied a PhiUpick. 'Squire Furze, you have
heard me repeat it often ; it is truly Demoilhenick.
I'll give you fome ftriking paiTages.
Jack- For God's fake referve it for the houfe,
I fhall hear more than enough of fpeeching if ever
we meet there. I hate long debates, belides here is
no room for debates j we are all of one mind, we
are all of one party.
Prince. Party, Mr. Promife ; I do not intermed-
dle with politicks or party.
Jack. God blefs me, me lord, what brought us
all hear then t I think we were all of one party lad
winter ; I am fuie I thought myfelf much obliged
by the uniform fupport of your friends; God knows
I often wanted their help. I thought we were this
day to cement our party yet ftronger, and laid the-
plan for our future operations againft Sancho.
Lord Cuhjerin. I really thought fo.
Polyphlojloios. I fliculd never have acceded to
this day's negociatlon, if I had not thought it
was finally to determine our future co-operati-
ons.
Prince. Gentlemen, you really furprife me. '■
Sslemn.
156 The B A T C H E L O R.
Solemn. Surprife you, my lord — we ou^Kt !u he
furprized. You invited us here, for what — was it
to comniunicate your thoughts on public affairs,
— you have told us nothing — was it to confult, you
have broached no fuljed — afked no man's opinion
—thanks to my prudence, I have given none — it is
not my cuflotn, what I rcfled upon in the honefty
of my own heart, is fafeft there, no betrayer fliall
fnatch it from my bread:, and my Lord, I difclaim
all party as fully as your highnefs, or any gentleman
•who hears me fpeaiv. My thouji,his on public mat-
ters, I fliall utter when and where I ought: they
fiiall not be anticipated in tavern talk over the ta-
bles of gamblers. My Lord, you value youifelf on
your taciturnity, I appeal to your fincerity — was it
to mock us you called us here — did you weary your
horfes and your fervants, to fummon us hear upon
a matter of iefs weight than viewing your improve-
ments ; a matter of no weight, when the moll
weighty preffures bow down this pillaged country.
If, as I hoped, yours and Promijes'% jaring intcrefts
could be reconciled, my hand had heip.'d the caufe
of liberty againft the ralhnefs of a wanton Viceroy.
This is your card, my Lord, if It is mockery on
me, it is no honour to the fender.
Sir Toby. I proteft, as for my part, I (hould not
have came here but for your highneh's card.
Omr.es. Nor I.
Furze. By G — this Is as ridiculous and incon-
gruous (as my fiiend Po!yphIofl.)olos calls itj as a
confukalion of phyficians about a dying patient ;
the
The B ATCHELO R. 157
the country may perifh— but indeed we are not fed
to preferve it,
Prirce. My lords, and you gentlemen, I folemn-
ly declare to you, I know as little of the cards as
I do of the bufinefs that brought you hear. I gave
no diredtions about cards, my fecretary would not
dare to write without my authority ; I am fure
both B e and N n have too much fenfe to
endanger the lofs of my favour j it muft be fome
boyifh joke.
Solemn. Joke, My Lord ! it is a ferious offence.
Prince. Oh, Mr. Solemn, do not take it fo fe-
rioufly, it is probably a joke of my coufin Willy's,
Polyphlojhoios. What, B h.
Prince. Yes, you know he is lively and fpiri-
ted.
Polyphlojhoios. I know he is impetuous, but do
not believe him fo unmannerly.
Prince. But, my lords, gentlemen, you will (lay
and dine.
Furze. No, my lord, we have gotten a bellyful
of this viiit already.
[Exeunl omnes.
NUM-
158 The B ATCHELOR.
NUMBER XXVIII.
Facundi calices, quern non fee ere ilifer turn.
A letter from Mr. Pryabout Shorthand, to one
of his Majeftys principal Secretary s of State.
N obedience to your Lordfhip's commands I fend
^ vou the minutes of tlie Debating Society, and
v.'iih all humility, I fubmit it as my opinion, that
there is no necefiiiy for my continuing longer on this
dutv, as the meeting is already fallen into as much
contempt in this metropolis, as the Society of the
Bill of Rights with you. I have received the five
hundred pounds for the laft quarter, by an order on
the Treafuiy, and wait for your Lordftip's further
inftruflions.
I have the honour, &c.
The PRESIDENT'S Charge from the Chair.
** Gentlemen,
IT gives me heart-felt fatisfadlon, to behold fuch
a re'peftable aflemblage of the fons of freedom,
met to give their ultimatum to the moft conftitutio-
nal quellions. We have been threatened with a
mercenary band of blood-thirfty redcoats, who
would maflac.e us with as little remorfe as our bre-
thren in Sc. George's-ilelds, or in the ftrcets of
Boilon : fuch a terror are we become to this venal
and
The B ATCHELOR. 159
and corrupt adminiftration, under which we groan ■
— Moreover, a wicked judge has recommended It
to 2i packed jury, to prefent us as a niiifance — Thus
are we difgraced my friends — We are efteemed like
the dirt of the ftreet, yea, like unto had po'vement,
or a dunghill ! — Wherefore, fhall we not roufe ?
Shall we not make our opprefTors tremble ? Shall the
famed and gallant fons of Hibernia remain tame and
fubmilTive, when chains are forging for them ? — O
ftupid generation ! well may ye be likened unto a
fmith's dog, that deeps under the anvil, though To
many fiery fparks fly about him. 1 am a freeman,
a fon of Bofto«ian independence and liberty. I was
going on a million to America, to propagate the
Chriftian faith among Infidels, but have fixed my
abode among you, to eftablifh an hibdov.al feminary
■where each perfon may learn ail the trt e graces of
elocution, at the moderate expence of one fliiiling.
Let uo then hold the murrour up to natvi.'e, as Shake-
peare fays, and make the wicked tremble. — I am by
birth a North country Englifhman : I was bred up,
as T luay (ay, at the foot of Gan/^liel. and I ftij] re-
main a true fon of the Kiik. I was degraded from
my ghoRly function, for getting a wencli with child
at Dumfries ; I afterwards ferved as chaplain, and
fometimes locum tenens, at the R-obin Hood Society,
fo that I hope ye are fatisfied with my abilities to fill
my prefent ftation with luftre and dignity, notwlth-
llanding the bafe reproaches of a reverend gentle-
man, who is to be made a bifliop for abufing me and
this refpeclab'e fociety — [a hv.d clap]. — But I beg
pardon, I fhall read the quetlion. PVheiher the
prefent calamities of the kingdom of Ireland^ in gene-
raU (ire in the lea[l degree to be attributed to the con^
dua
i6o The B A T C H E L O R.
dud of our prefent Chief Go'vernory and his party ?
And if noty to nvhat are they to be attributed P
This oration from the chair was received with
great applaufe — Several orators, dillinguifhed in the
fcnate, rofe to fpeak, among the reft Sir William
M'Eftimate, who Ipoke jis follows.
" Mr. PrefiJent,
IK E N very v,-eel frae whence all the calamities
of this nation derive their fpring and origin — It
is frae the decline of the nianufadtures, which pro-
ceed frae the prorogation' of parliament, and frae
ftriking my name frse oi:t the privy council h-ike.,
which a noble Duke of this country took fo much to
heart, that he would nae longer fit among fuch folk
when I was put awa'. — But what better can we ex-
pect, when the Lord Lieutenant's ain fecretary, or
amanuenfis, is Sir G ge M — t — ey, Lord Bute's
ain fon-in-iaw. Scottiili influence prevails, and as
the fcrapture fays, preferment nae comes from the
South, nor frae the Eafc, nor yet frae the Weilj then
it is plain to any cheeld. who u:.derftands boxing the
compafs, that it mufl come fraethe North. But it
is an ill wind blaws no body gude.
*' Ah culd I once have the fe'icity of feeing my
gude freend, the greet Duke, his Mnjefly's ain fub-
Ititute in this kingdom, every thing would gang on
brawly. He is the mon ot ragulerity and exadtnefs
—every thing gangs on in his femily by the nicell
calculations — not a gill of oats gangs to his ftablcs
without proper memorials, returns, and certificates.
Ah culd you but behold the periodical cloud ot con-
fufion, occafioned by the reciprocal difcharge of the
pui-
The B A TCHELOR. i6i
pulverifing machines, to ornoment the heads of his
artillery-difciplined domeftics ; how they gang
through their motions and evolutions by the ding of
the clapper, as if they were under his Grace's ain
former command at Chapple-izod. How they dare
not but (lice their bonnocks, and let down their
ir^eh by the fame rule — and repletion and evacuati-
on (two of the main calls of nature) mud not be at-
tended to, without the great Duke's order. Alfo,
— but its aw of a piece, the fame exa£tnefs and (Eco-
nomy runs through every thing. — Now caft your
eyne towards the Caflle, and you'll find it quite daf-
ferent. The mon at the heed of it does not mind
his equipage, or his money, but fquanders the lall,
fometimes in donations that would make even the
bank of Edinburgh fhrink, — in a thoufand pounds
Britifh to one red coat, half as much to another,
only becanfe he kend them to be Hout lads, that had
none of their ain to purchafe preferment. But hut
awa, the wee fandy box is juft run out, and I'll not
trefpafs on the rules of the Society ; for here, as in
another place, while I have the honour to fit, I'll
ftand or faw by their privileges"
A member without a /hirt, a large cudgell in his
hand, and a long fword by his fide, rofe next, and
(poke as follows.
IH A V E lijlened to all that has been faid againft
the Lord Liftenant and geverment, with the
greatefl pleafure, becaufe I niver was in company
with either of them, and they that are not my ac-
quaintance can't be my friends, and as I am part of
the conmmnity, in my free debating capacity, they
can't be the friends of all Dublin. There is nizier,
I'm
i62 The BATCH ELOR.
I'll) fure, hardly njent/em in Fleet-ftreet or Chequer-
lanc, or any of the contagious places, who dots not
thinl; the prorogation was, and is the caufe of all
cur misfortunes, which we have been fuffciing thefe
ten years, for how will poiatoes grow, when there is
no parliament to encourage ngiiculture — or how
will we get whifliey to keep up cur fpirits, when the
county of Clare's mimber can't make a motion about
it. Tjiefe, fir, I take it are ferous confiderations,
and worthy the attention of luch a body of gentle-
men as we are. But, fir, there is fomething more
to be imputed upon the Lord Liftenant, and that is,
fir, that he ftays \\qxq fpimling his money among us,
when fix times lefs would be fpent if we had our
ould juftices. Sir, I think it is now pretty clear,
.that the Lord Liftenant and the prorogation, are
tv/o of the worft people that ever was in this coun-
try. I hope, therefore, well conclude with a vote,
that they are both our enemies."
This fpeech v/as received with great applaufe.
The prefident then gave three diftinft knocks with
his hammer, commanded filence, and alked if any
perfon chofe to fpeak to the queftion. Lord Chil-
dermount then rofe up, and faid.
" Mr. Prefident,
THOUGH I have long fat in the firft aflembly
of this nation, abforbed in filence, yet — yet
— among you, gentlemen, 1 will attempt to articu-
late on the prefent deplorable flate of affairs. — Firft,
I would have you to know, that all governments are
alike — all tyrannies and corruption. I never could
fee any palpable difference betv/een this or that
government. A Bafhaw of Turkey, or a Lord Lieu-
tenant,
The B ATCHELOR. 163
tenant, is all alike to me. I always oppofe, and will
oppoje, becaufe government is a reflraint on free
people J therefore it is wrong. Now, feeing it is
wrong, I mull be right in oppofing it — [ loud clfip].
— Sir, when I revolve in ^iiy mind the revolution —
the revolution of empires, " For corn now grows
where Troy town ftood." — You may be furprized,
gentlemen, I aver it upon my credit, I have been
on the fpot. — I call on my noble friend the Mar-
quifs of Bolus-rule, who has trod in thofe clalllc
regions."
IVlarquifs of Bolus-rule.
CALLED upon by my honourable friend, in the
prefence offuch a refpedable body of my con-
ftituents, whom I ufed to fpeak. to in the gallery of
the parliam.ent houfe — I will confefs, ingenioujly,
that I always thought Troy had big walls about it
like Leinfter houfe, for at fchool, I remember a
game I ufed to play, called, The Walls of Troy.
However, I cou!d not travel to that part of Afiatic
Africa, as I was fo bufy writing letters at Turin, to
the worthy corporations of this city, who ele£led
me a parliament m.an. It has been reported, that all
thofe letters were written in Dublin, by one M'Der-
mot, a breeches-maker. I therefore take this op-
portunity of clearing up my character, and affuring
you all, that it is a maliciou.s ftory : neither the
Prince my father, nor myfelf are at all acquainted
with this M'Dermot, who obliged us fo much, and
you know that's impoffible if he had done it.
Now, I hope, Mr. Prefident, you are thoroughly
convinced by my Lord Childermount's fpeech and
mine,
i64 The B A T C H E L O R.
mine, that all the diftrefs of the kingdom is owing to
the /»orogati9H."
Here the prefident exclaimed — well fpoke — excel-
lently fpoken gentlemen — will any flave dare to
fpeak in favour of the Lord Lieutenant, againd fuch
convincing arguments of a couple of fuch fweet
illuftrious noblemen. On this, Mr. B — g — 11, a
merchant, rofe and addrefled himfelf to the prefi-
dent :
"SIR.
HAVE you fir, the vanity or folly to fuppofe,
that government would condefcend to take
any notice of an afTemblage of citizens, who are
only met to talk about what they do not underftand,
and put money in your pocket. Sir, is it the privi-
lege of freemen to prove themfelves fools whenever
they pleafe, either by their fpeeches here, or by their
writings in the Freeman's Journal. — For my part, I
have no objedlion. By thid means, the noxious hu-
mours of the body politic are difperfed : was it for
this purpofe only, the freedom of fpeech, and the
freedom of the prefs, fliould be preferved inviolate.
If a jury fhould prefent you as a nuifance, they
would pay you a compliment, and beftow fome im-
portance on you. No judge ever defigned to ani'-
madvert on your proceedings. I defy you to prove
any fingle point of what you have alTerted.
If reafon and truth might influence your rcfoluti-
ons, I could eali'y convince you, that your com-
plaints are g'-oundlefs. To afk whether the national
calamities are occafioned by our prefent Chief Go-
vernor and his party, is in efFet^ to afk, whether the
late
The B ATCKELOR. 165
late bad harvefts are to be afcribed to the piorogatf-
on. Sir, the kingdom has payed one mililon in
ready cafh, within thofe two years, for corn. This
has diminiflied the current fpecie, and checked our
commerce and manufaa may imagine, a fmall bird could
make but a I'eeblt 'efillaiice in the talons of a fwan.
I hope, gentlemen will pardon my wandering a
little from tne preier^t queftion ; the depravity of
the times, and irregularity of our prefent Viceroy,
have been mentioned by a right hon. member.
Gentlemen, 1 fliall fpeak truth in public and in pri-
vate life : uiy truth is known : 1 declare then on
iriy veracity, I have long been acquainted with the
prefent Viceroy ; whatever he has done well in this
kino-do.ii' he has di'^ne by my council ; the 0£tenni-
al Bill, the tax on abfentees, the bounty on liten,
were meafuies I plann'd and recommended. Yet
centleraen, this very Viceroy, has treated me with
indignity and ou. lage. Gentlemen, can you believe
it ? he kick'd iiie down flairs; for what did he
kick me down ftairs ? For fpeak'ng truth ; for fuch
truths as mil. e, your prefent Chief Governor defpi-
fas and ridicules. If any can duubt what I fay,
1 can fhew the black and blue maiks on a certain
pari of my body, which decency will not permit
me to name. — {Here the ajjemhlj cried out'] fhew it,
fliew it.
Lord
The B A T C H E L O R. 173
ILord Ferfix.] If gentlemen infiil: upon it, I fhall
comply with their lequells, and ftiew the marks
of difgrace. — [Jli roared ou!] fKew them, fhew them.
Tsm Decorous Letriffle*, the ordeily Seijeant at
this lime, rofe from a nitch, and fpoke as fol'ows :
Thomas Decorous Letri£Je.~\ Gentlemen, T cannot
hy any means agree with the honourable fociety,-
and give it as (l»y opinion, that the right hon. mem-
ber Ihould not reveal to public view thole Ib.ipes,
which his pofteriors received from the foot of a
ivrant Viceroy. I therefore humbly move, that a
fecret committee be appointed to infpeft the parC
difcraced, and to make their report to this honoura-
ble fociety.
Omnes. A committee, a committee, [Lord Fore-
c/ijlle rifes.] Hear him, hear him, hear your wor-
thy member Lord Forecaftle.
Lord Foreca/I/ef.] By G— d,T think lh.h free focie-
ty, feems like a fliip which has neither mall, compafs,
or ar.clior. Thofe who fhould work the velTel, ara
all reeling and drunk as hell j this quefliion now be-
fore us, (do you fee) is whether a refolution qF the
Houfe of Commons has the power of an a(5t of par-
liament : inftead of fpeaking to this point, a right
hon. member t-.;Ils you, he was kicked ^very tvellf
then he is defired to fiiew his pofteriors, then a fe-
cret committee is appointed to infpedl it. What is
all this to the queftion } By G — d it's fleering quite
out of th'e courfe, into a foul channel. Another
« T— — I L te, EA]. \ I^rd L— — J.
I J. right
1 74 The B A T C II E L O R.
liorht hon. member in outlanJif}} A'^^o, (Iiall of which
by G — d I do not underitand) talks of his panting
fjr glory, and nonfenfe and ftuff, and of an old
vviich, and a blue ilocking, what has all this to fay
to the power of the Houfe of Commons ? Who the
ilcvil cares about the old bitch. We are then told
o\ a black ram with a blue tail, and of a gun turned
into jc'.lv, the noble Lord who tells thefe iLionders.,
may fire a good fliot for ought I know. But as to
the prefent queiVton ; that is all my eye, for my part
I do not care a damn about thefe bonders. .The
quellion is, "Can a refolution of the Houfe of
" Commons fuipend the law of the land." You
may as well afl-:, " Whether the commands of a
«' Lieutenant muft be obeyed, when the Captain is
«' on board." Who the devil would aflc fuch an ab-
furd queftion } If any perfon talked fuch nonfenfe
to me, I'd heave him over board before I'd anfwer
him. As to the Lord Lieutenant, (do you fee) tho'
1 do not like to have him freer our veffel, becaufe I
wifli for another pilot, (a friend of my own) yet I be-
lieve he is a ;olly fellow, and has fome good tun in
him. And as-to his kicking a talking fool who tir-
ed him, by G — d I do not like him the worfe for it,
but enough of this, the queftion before us, is a non-
fenfical queftion, and we have had loo much jaw al-
leady — fo I have done.
JVill. Spitfire*.] Gentlemen I declare upon my
honour and reputation, a vote of the Houfe of
Commons, ought not to have the force of a law,
unlefs when the majority of the lloufe is againft the
court in that cafe, and in that cafe only, the ahfolute
power of the Houfe of Commons, ought not to be
* \V m E— . gh, Efq.
denied.
The B A T CHEL O R. 175
denied. I reverence, I sdore that Honfe of Com-
mcns, Vi'Iiich put the ax to the neck of that ciirfed
martyr Charles. I long for a fubflantial ?,6t of ju-
ft'ce — if I talk treafon, I am not afhanned of it. T
fliall take every occafion to teltify my contempt of
all government and governors, particularly of our
prefent chief governor. I will go fa.ther, and roufe
my country to arm^ to arm? jlrike Jlrike
] will cenfure Majefty, ifc. nay I v.iil do f-me-
thin-J vvorfe. Gentlemen may call me a Republi-
can ; \ glory in the name ; I glory in the princi-
ples ; I fliall ever pay hom.a^e to free fplrits ; I fhall
kifs with adoration the hem o{ Mrs. Macauly's re-
publican pettycoat, and the anti-minifiierial crutch
of Doclor"Bolus. The Stuarts were a fet of tyrants,
rafcals, robbers ; their minifters were tyrants, rafcah,
robbers ; every minifter is a tyrant, rajcal, robber :
we never fliall enjoy happinefs till v/e arc as free as
the favage Americans, and the wandering Arabs :
rill we are governed by the unerring law of nature.
I would have gentlemen know, I '.vas not brought
into parliament by any powerful chief. I acknow-
ledge no chief; I follow no leader; I will not fol-
low reafon, if reafon be with the court ; I will not
be led even by common-fenfe, if I find common fenfe
joined wiih the adminiftration. Thefe are my prin-
ciples, and I will die in defence of thefe principles :
1 fiiall boldly declare to my lafl: moment, that the
honors of death are extatick blifsy compared to the
fmullcft degree of miniiterial controul.
Omnes.] Hear, hear him ; well fpoke, no gdver-
r.or, no minifier, no adminifh.atlon : long life to
Will Spifitrc, Do(5lor Bolus, Lord Babeltongue, and
Sir Ed — w — d N — n — m.
I 4 N U M-
i:6 The B AT C HELO R.
NUMBER XXX.
Dux jiimina fa^i.
ViRG.
The Grey Mare is the better horfe.
7o Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Ffq.
SIR,
I SEND the inclofed piece to be honoured with a
place aiiiongtl your edeemed Speculations, know-
ing you have luch a veneration for the relicks of
antiquity, that even this, wrote but a century ago,
will be reverenced by your applaufe. — It is laid, that
the author of it muft have been infpired with a 'fro-
phetic fpirit, if he did not allude to any people exilliiig
in his time, fince the allegory r.ozv bears the tcft of
real perfonification, and is truly defcriplive of an
event that lately happened in
l^he Wilds of Kerry.
A PASTORAL BALLAD,
Comp'.Jed one hundred years ago : fet to mufic hy Lad/
A NE FiTZ D.
G
OOD NATURE and Courtesy, fillers I
ween,
Twin daughters of Virtue the mother ;
In feanues fo like that when fingle they're feen,
Folks often take one for the other :
The B ATC H E L O R. 177
In gentle complacency, gefture, and grace,
A difference fcarce could you fee ;
Save one when you fpolce to her fmil'd in your face,.
T'other modeftly bended the knee.
II.
One fine fumiiier's morning lefo'v'd on a roam,
They rofe wiih the lark, and as gay.
For as they intended to go far from home,
Theydre's'd themfelvtb out for the day:
Their bujkins they lac'd, fo to leave the knee bare.
And move with a grace unconfin'd ;
Their robes that were wont to flow loofe in the air,,
Were carelefsly tuck'd up behind.
III.
Enfliihi'd in a fcarf of a rofe colour'd hue,-
As fplendid and b.ight as the morn !
A prefent which Hebe the fair goducfs threw
O'er tlieir faces the day they were born :
While fragrance by Zephyr was pilfer'd away,.
And wafted all over rhe dale ;
Their fair auburn treffes a-loofe In difplay.
Were wantonly kifs'd by the gale. .
IV.
Thus array'd for the journey, and each to her mind,',
They chearfully walk'd on together ;
Their fteps were fo flight, left no traces behind,
And their hearts were as light as a feather :
'♦ Far ivejiixjard" fays Courtesy, " lives a fam'd-
" knight,
" Near a town in the mountains of Kerry ;
*• If fati^u'd, we'll repofe at that feat of- delight,
'^ He was viont to be courteous and merry.
I 5 ' « Erft
178 The BATCHELOR.
V-
" Eifl: often times happy we've fung, danc'd, and
play'tl,
*' And frolick'd away with each other ;
*' Hand in hand o'er the hwns and the vallies we
" ftray'd,
" They took us for filler and brother:
** Fame fays he's much chang'd fince he took a fair
*' bride,
" Who prefides at the Caftle of Dingle ;"
*' He fure won't forp;et us," Goodnature reply'd,
" Who carefs'd us fo ofteo when fingle."
VI.
Thus in chatting along thev beguil'd away reft,
'Till at length they difcover'd a town ;
Jufl as Sol funk reclin'd upon Thetis's bread",
And eve became dufky and b:Own :
When the caille they fought for arofe in full view,
Both their eyes and their hearts to delight ;
Whofe fplendid appearance they very, well knew,
And its bountiful owne: the knight.
VII.
As they drew near the gate, they adjufled each grace,
Which had fuffer'd through toil, and the weather ;
The hair the ruJe v.'ind had blown over the face,
They comb'd in. and tied up together :
Then rapt at the door, and each i'ent in her name,
Which anounced that /zyo ladies did wait ;
Old acquaintance, they faid, and they thought it no
fhame
To pay him a vifit, tho' late.
When
The BAT CHE LOR. 179
VIII.
When a dowdy like figure, in riding attire,
With as little of beauty, as grace ;
The cheeks all empurpl'd, with fpots red as fire,
Suffufing it o'er the whole face :
With aims fet akimbo, and mafculine air,
Advanc'd like the caRle's defender ;
Tho' the fex none can vouch, as it breeches did
wear,
And feem'd of the epecene gender.
IX.
But a fhrill female voice foon the woman declared.
Which pierc'd like the wind in December ;
Afiailing the ears of the nymphs, (who were fcar'd,}
In words they have caufe to remember:
" How have ye the conlidence, hufleys," flie crie?,
" At this time of niglit to alarm me ?
•' The names you fent in are a parcel of lies ,
" You are triilh that belong to the army.
X.
" The perjon you've had the aflurance to name>
" Whofe former acquaintance you boaft ;
<' Its the worth of his ears, to acknowledge your
*' claim,
" While I'm at the head of the roafl r
*' Such trollops fliall never come near his domain,—'
" So march off, and feek for nev/ places." .
Then turn'd on her heel with an air of difdain,
And flapi the door full in their faces.
N U M-
lao
The B A T C H E L O R.
N U M B E R XXXI.
7o Jeoftry WaGoTAFFE, Efq.
S I R,
NOTW.THSTANDING the great orJer and
regulnrity wh'ch is obfeived in the Irilh Ro-
bin Hood, and the dignity and impartiality of its
worthy Prefident, I cannot help lamenting that
a great number of its wife and candid decifions re-
main yet unpiinted. Thofe niiftak.es, fir, Tnuft fome-
times happen, on account of a praiStice, (which,
however, 1 do not prefume to cenfure,) I metn, fir,
that of propofirg a great number of queftions at the
fame time, and taking the fenfe of the Society,
without informing them of the fubjeft. It muft be
owned, that this inconvenience is in a great degree
remedied by the power fo judicioufly veiled in the
prefident, of altering the refoluiions after they have
pafTed. If I ^ould make a motion in that aiL-mbiy,
*' That the 'U'Jtes lloitld be amended by the Prefident,
<' according to truth," it might feem a fervife imitati-
on of the conduft of the H e of C ns in
j^ ^ W (i's adminiftration, and might be called
flattery to the late able and worthy S r, who
formerly efpoufed a m 'tion of that kind with all his
influence : — Therefor I fhall decline it, and content
myfelf with publiiliing the following refolutions,
which were all debated with the ufual candour, and
argued upon with the ufual folemniiies.
Re/ih'ed,
The B ATCHELOR. i8i
Refoh'ed, That the D — e of L r was always
enemy to Privy Council Money-Bills.
Refolded, That Mr. B w was a good patriot
in the year 17^2, never had any connexion with the
late Primate, and obtained his feat at the Council-
board by his public virtue.
Rejolved^ That L — d S ■ n has been a true pa-
triot ever fince the year 1753.
Rejolnjed, That Mr. F- d never fupported
any ir.eal'ure he had ever oppokd, and that he
had no election depending at ihe linie of the aug-
mentation.
Refolded, That Mr. L fhe never fupported any
unpopular adininilhation.
Refelved, That Mr. H — fT— y wns not brought in-
to parlianient by the D — e of L r, and is under
no influence •vhatfoever:
Ref-jl'ved, That ivlr. B gh, Lord Childer-
mouiiX» Mr. Phlogos the apothecp.vy, and Sir E d
N in. are deep reaione s, piofcund politicians,
fobsj patriots, and judicijus diredors of the public
opinion,
Refol-vedy That the late S r's filcnds never
gloried in tne name of Hacks, in defiance of all vir-
tue and decency.
Refuhed, That Mr. P by never voted for an
altered Money. Bill ; never fupported aPiivy Coun-
cil
1»2
The B A T C H E L O R.
cil Money-Bill; never fquandered the public money
injobbsj never robbed a man, dulyeledcJ, of his
feat ; never fupported penfions ; never oppofed an
explanation ot" Pov'ni'ig's law ; never was inconfillent
about 'he augmentauon of the aimy ; never ftifled
a Mil tia-Bill ; never co-operated \.iih the aban-
doned uieafuies of the late Primate ; never broke a
promife ; never fupported a motion one day, and re-
fcinded it the next ; never falfified the votes of the
H. of C- — ns ; never difgraced the ftation of
L — d j ce, or C r ; never oppofed the
Oclennial-Bill ; never made charity the inftrument
of fediiion ; never betrayed a confidential corref-
pondence, or falfified a private conveifation ; never
was cenfured in the Freeman's Journal ; never
was wavering ; never was inconliitent ; never was
unpopular.
RefoI'vetl, Therefore, that Mr. P by did not
quarrel with adminiftraiion about the affair of
Lord Jobber-General, but about fome of the raea-
fures above-mentioned ; and that his refignaiioa
of the chair did not proceed irom fear or folly, but
from the nobleft motives, and moft patriotic princi-
ples.
Refolded, That Mr. P— — by did not deceive his
friends v.'hen he took the chair on Tuefday the 26th
of February, and did not betray them by defcrting it
on the Saturday following.
Refohoed, That the city of Dublin did not petition
for a meeting of parliament.
Rejolved, That tlie D — e of L r and Mr.
P by, did not, by tb^ir jeprefeniaiions to their
friends
The B AT C HE LOR. 183
friends in England, endeavour to prevent the meet-
ing of parHament.
Rejolved, That the people did not wIOi for it.
Rofol'ved, That the m^^eting of parliament was a
meafure calculated for the dellriKflion of trade, for
demanding of exorbitant loans, and for the repeal of
the 0£tennial-Bill, and that it ought to be an unpo-
pular meafure.
Refohjed, That the decay of public credit, and the
ttnaccountakle decreafe in the hereditary revenue,
have been folely caufed by the appointment of Sir
W m O rn and Mr. B d, in the room of
Ivlr. P 'by and Lord L gh.
Refolded, That every report propagated by Mr,
P by's friends, about the motives for calling the
p 1, has proved true.
Refolded, That the 0£^ennial-Bill was not obtain-
ed under the prefent adminifiration.
Rejolved, That a refident Chief Governor never
was whhed for by this kingdom ; and is a means of
draining it of its wealth.
Refolded, That the additional bounty on linens is
a great difcouragemenl to that manufafture.
RefoI'ved, That the liberty of the prefs is reftrain-
ed under the prefent adminifttation,
Refohed, That the mofl decent liberties of fpeech
are prohibited under fevere penalties.
RefoI'ved,
1-84 The B A T C H E L O R'.
RefolveJ, That the thanks of this Society be pre-
fented to the right hon. L — d L — fle, together with
a new v/ig.
RefoheJy That the worthy ptitii.l, L — d B —
1 — fs, be elected an honorary member of this So-
ciety, and admitted gratis whenever he wears his
gpld culfs.
Refolved, That the thanks of this Society be pre-
fenied to the E — 1 of ]\ nt, for his patriotic tears
flied in the H — fe of L ds, together with a new.
white handkerchief.
Refolvedy That J — n P by, Efq; has for
thefe twenty years paft, given one huudrcd guineas
donation every fpring to the weavers : therefore
his late well-timed benevolence could not be in-
tended for fedilious purpofes, on the opening of the.
feffions.
Refoh'edy That the thanks of this Society be pre-
fented to the right hon. J — n P by.
I am, Mr. Wagflaffe,
your moft obedient humble fervant,
An INDEPENDENT HACK.
N U M--
The B ATCHELO R. 185
NUMBER XXXII.
^uem 'v'rum, aiit heroa, lyra, t'f/ acri
Tibia fumes celehrare Clio ?
^em deum ? lujus recinat jocofa P
Nomen imago.
HOR.
\T7E are obliged to the gentleman who fent us
VV the following copy of a celebrated Ode,
by poft from Cavan : As it has never appeared in
print, we hope the publication will oblige our
readers.
A MODERN ODE, on ihenjiaory obtained hy C s
C te, Efq; oijer the OAK BOYS, and his re^
cei'ving the order of the £*** : Jet to tnufic, and
performed at the Cajlle of Dublin, on Monday the
\oth of January, 1764; the day appointed for
his in'vefiture ivith the enfgns of the order.
I.
YON valliant chief, behold from far,
Refulgent as the morning ftar ;
'Tis C , his country's fhield,
The firft in glory's field,
His port proclaims the God of War :
Maik his graceful flowing wig,
Mark, his well ty'd folitare ;
Lo, his Ijat with terroi big,
And fpangled fword-knot fparkling in the air.
II.
i86 The BATCHELOR.
11.
Round me, he cries, my warriors (land,
To fight againft yon hoftile band ;
I come — beneath my ftroLe,
Fall— fall— ye Hearts of Oai: :
Rebellion cea(c at my command.
Now, now, I mount my rapid fteed,
He flies! he flies! Vv'ith lightning's fpced ;
Now, crufh'd rebellion, now vou feel,
The pangs, the deaths, that wsit my poiiAi'd flee!.
III.
View your champion, vlev>' your god,
Seize the brick-bat, fe'ze the clod ;
Pippins grec;;. and rotten eggs,
Hurl them at tiie recreant heads,
Miniilers of vengeful hate,
Pour the mat the recreant pate ;
Let turnips and potatoes flie,
Like thunderbolts at every eye,
By what ye fed on — rebels, ye fhall die.
IV. ^
Let Pruflia's godlike monarch boaft.
His well-fought fields, his laurei'd hoft,
While Auilria's Eagle drops her wing,
And vanquifii'd by the mighty Kiiig,
Bewails her pride, her glory lofl:.
Yet knov/ proud King, and let it check thy pride,
Tho' conqueft's banner now thou waveft wide.
Thy vaunted triumphs quickly fliall decline,
Loll in oblivion's fliade, while glory circles mine.
V.
The B A TC KELOR. 187
V.
Triumphant C te ! — Ilhiftrlous name [
That foar'ft upon the wings of fame j
Above the Lunar-walk, or Milky-way;
The whea^-fheaf hears thy dread command,
Swift mounts upon the Reclor's ftand,
And at thy call, once more, the fqueaking tythe-
pigs play.
The fringed hero (peaks the word,
Unfolds the terror of his fword ;
Staves, bricks, and bolts, can nought avail,
Shillela's knotted cudgels fail.
Thy plume cafts terror all around ;
Thy fpangl'd veft, and red-heel'd Hioe,
Amaze, confound, the daftard crew :
Behold they fall — they die> and dying bite the
ground.
VI.
C te's valllant adls his foes proclaim,
Their grief, their tears, record his fame j
Crown, Britons crown your Vi^rrior's deed,
With fome illuftrious meed
That fhall to lateft times record hif. name :
Around his manly fhoulders fpread,
In waving folds the ribband red ;
That emblem bright,
Of Bath's proud knight,
Given to the fons of glory's line,
Shall on C te's breaft with double luflre
fliine. '
No
i88 The B A T CHELOK.
No more fhall H — fT — y's ftar prevail.
The gallant Delaval's Ihall fail,
While C tes (hall ever blaze,
With undiininlOi'd rays,
'Till Heav'n's oib declines, and Nature's felf
decays.
vir.
The ftoried urn, the breathing hud:,
May grace the common hero's duil,
Thy country, C te, fliall never dt}om,
Such vulgar trophies to thy tomb j
Here, fliall the fculptor's happy genius fhew,
The Aiding movements of the conquering beau :
The warrior brave,
A I'word (hall wave,
With Orient gems the burniflied hilt fliall glow.
There, with a mafl:er's hand fliall artifts trace,
The p'umed hat, the twee/er cafe,
The dancing pump, and ruffle flounc'd with lace.
VIII.
Rapt in futurity behold,
Panting for fame, the warrior bold ;
To him fepulchral honours doom,
And graceful dance around his tomb ;
While in procelhon, mute and flow.
The weeping virgins annual go
His flirine to deck with painted plumes,
Pomatums — pafl:es — and fweet perfumes :
Such rites are meet to crown his matchlefs
fame.
NUM-
The B ATC HELOR. 189
N UMBER XXXIII.
Boerhaa'vius audcritate Heredoti narrat, pefiilentiam
olim GrcecitP illatam fuifje gallinaciurn grege : ad-
dit praterea — " Diu enim plumis wvium contagio
♦' adh^refcit."
To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq.
SIR,
AS your Speculations are defigned co ercoi;ra?e
merit, I think your readers cannot be better
entertained, than by perufing a moft valuable and
curious extrad from the learned Do£tor Rowley's
EfTay on the Plague.
This eminent phyfician Is well known to the pub-
lic by his advertifement in the Mercury. Though
an Englifliman, he has condelcended to vifit this
poor couiitry, and now dedicates the few fpare hours
which his extenfive pradice allows him, to fcience
and literature When the plague raged in Athens,
thfre was a folemn einbalfy difpatched to the little
town of Abdera, to intreat Hipocrates to vifit the
dillrefled Athenians. The phyfician, however re-
fufed their requetl, and faid no fee fliould tempt hini
to defert his country at fo critical a period. Doctor
Rowley, whofe medical knowledge is only equalled
by his humanity and generofity, fcorned to imitate
the father of phyfic : he juftly concluded that the
prorogation rendered us more liable W the infedion,
and
190 The B A T C n E L O R.
and therefore flew to us nbout the middle of laft
Oiflober, as he heard thai Dodtor Lucas (a§ veil as
Boeihaavc) was of opinion, that the wood-cocks
uiight carry over the plague in their feathers from
Poland ; and as the paiiianient was not Citing, no
cccftitutional means could be deviled by the L.
L. and council to pievent thofe vagabond biids from
fettling in Ireland.
He alfo adminifters a fpecific to exlulirate the
fpirits of all thofe who are apprehenfive of the con-
tagion. " If (fays lie) there: be any, whofe minds
" are difturbed by artfu! and defigning men, on the
" fuppolcd approach of this dire complaint : If fuch
" will call on me, any day between the hours of
" twelve and two, at Mr. Browne's, jewier, in Sidfolk-
" ftrect facing the P.ound Church, I doubt not but
*< I fhali be able to calm his inquietude."
Do£lor Rowley is an excellent natural philofopher,
and very in:imate v/ilh Lord M a, F R. S.
His Lordfliip has confulted hhn on an excellent
fchenie to deftroy the Freiich and Spaniards, ftould
they prcfuine to invade us. Lord M -a rationally
fuppofes, thai f me fhip will arrive on our coail: with
the plague on board. The Dr. by his lordfhip's
direftioRS, is to extradl the contagious atmofphere,
and load twenty or thirty air guns with it : a troop
of light horfe may be armed with thefc philofbphi-
cal fuzees ; the Doctor will command, gain the
lueathet guage of the enemy, dlicharge the plague
among tl.em, wheel to the right about, and gallop
triumphantly to the Caftle, to give an account of his
v'flory, and be appointed phyfician general for his
fervices, in the "-oom of Doctor Barry. Lord M a
I hear, is to accompany our great Machaon, on this
expedition,
The B A T C HELO R 191
expedition, an J to acl as aid-de camp., in order that
he may be able to tranfmit an accurate and judicious
account of the whole affaii- to his learned brethern
of the Royal Society.
This modern ^fculapius alfo cures the Gout to a
miracle. About five years ago, when Lord Chat-
ham was given over by the faculty, he wrote
and publilhed a letter in the Public Ledger, and
gave our Engiilh Demolthenes an excellent pre-
fcription, which faved his life. Lord Chatham be-
haved with his ufual ingratitude, and never reward-
ed the Dodlor ; though the minilhy have never
ceafed perfecuting him for thus prcferving the life of
their bittereft enemy.
I can mention another anecdote to the Dodor's ho-
nour, which fliews his moderation and generous prin-
ciples. — That great patriotic Earl, Lord Sh — b — ;ie,
who lodged laft fummcr at Elack-mck,, prcfled
the ingenious phyfician to return to England and
aflill: him in v/riting Janius's ielters ; promifing
to provide handfomely for him when Lord Chatham
and he came into admiuittration. This tempting
offer the Dc£lor inilanily rejettcd, ar he thought the
prefent mode of poiiiical writing, too abufive for one
of his liberal fentmienis: and befides, he lo'd his
Loidfaip that he was determined to (by here till the
pbgue had ceafed in all parts of the world ; and did
not doubt but his prefence would be as beneficial to
to this poor kingdom, as Jaron\ jlandlng hct^^een
the dead and the Having., ivhich flopt the plague in the
camp of the Ifraelites.
With grateful hearts we fiiould commemorate the
many favours we receive from England. — Our fine
gentlemen
192 The BATCHELOR.
gentlemen and ladies, would have nothing but pota-
toe leaves to cover theirnakednefs, only for our ge-
nerous brethren, w^ho furnifh us with cloth and filk.
They export cow doftors for our cattle ; phyficians,.
wife like Solomon and Rowley, for our bodies ; and
bilhops and prietls to take care of our fouls ; whofe
charity and benevolence is unqueftionable, for they
are generally endowed with the moft extenfive fees
and parifnes, though every body knows their apolio-
lic labours are doubled by this hard treatment ; yet
like go^d ChriiVians they patiently fubniit, well
knowing that their majlers hingdom is not of this
nxjoriJ- Formerly too we were blelT^d with Englifn
ludges ; men of fuch amazing abilities, and great
modefty, that their iiierii was never known in Eng-
land that was left for our fuperior fagacity to
find out : — But fince a refident Lord Lieutenant
weakly imagined that he could choofe Iiilhmen
fit to decide on the lives and properties of their
countrymen, we are a ruined nation ! Our trade
has failed, our banks and merchants (lop pay-
ment ! The grafs grows in our deferted ftreets — The
revenue is ruined, fince our arbitrary Viceroy dif-
milTed that great financier Mr. P y, from his
Maiefty's fervice. Our artillery rufts, and our ma-
gazines are gone to decay, ^wct:. that mailer of pro-
iedliles, Lord S n no longer points our artillery.
In this " diftrefsful, diftracled ftate of affairs," (as
my frifnd Doclor Lucas fays) if the publilcatlon of
this precious fragment can alleviate the calamities
of my country, and infi.ru £1 our ignorant Smiths,
Qiiinns, Barrys, and fuch quacks, in the irrefragable
principles of phyfic, I ftiall think myfelf happy.
Extra.7
The BATCH ELOR.
t93
Ex trail from DoAor Rowley's Ejfay on the Plague.
" A ^^ ^ "°^' ^ fpeak from experience. A few
Jl\. " years ago I attended feveral perfons who
had the figns cFth's dreadful difeafe. It was part
' of a fhip's crew that had arrived from the Levant,
' and who had come on fhore all feeniingly in good
» health. But when the men had opened tlieir box-
* es and fliit'ted themfelves, they became all of a
' fudden ill ; which was a convincing proof that the
' infettion had been conveyed in their cloathes,
' Some had buboes, under their ai mpfts, and behind
' their ears only j others had the carbuncle of the
' livid circle, and fome were attended with both,
and all recovered, The method 1 took to preferve
myfelf, was to change my cloathes, and to fumi-
gate them daily, walhing myfelf v. ith vinegar, in
which v/ere infufed garlick, rue, betony, and ju-
niper berries, ofv.'hich I took Inwardly, twice a
day, nvo meat fpoonfuis, gargling my mouth with
It, and fnu^-ing it up my noftiils. To this infufiorj
I always added a little carnphire. Sometime after
I tryed this moft dangerous experiment, I waflied
myfe'f in the blood and faliva of a mad dog,
without feeling the leait bad efteft from it, excent
a little fpafm in the calf of my right leg, which
in a few days I appeafed. The fuccels of thfs
experiment I communicated to a noble Duke,
whofe name will always be revered by the people
of this kingdom, v/ho advlfed me to ky it befbre
< the fecretaries of ftate, which I did, with an Inten-
♦ tion to go to Conilantinople, (under the proteCtl-
* on and fanclion of government) to try the fucccfa
« of the treatment there, and upon my return (if
• fuccefsful) to apply for a reward to the Britilh
K " par-
,t94 The BATCH ELOR.
** parliament. It was confidered as a noble, but ha-
*' zardous undertaking, and I was advlfed to confuit
" with an honourable gentleman who had refided at
*' the Porte upwards of fifteen years as ambafludor
*< from the court of Great-Britain ; who tr-jve me
*' fuch an account of the nature and temper of the
»' Turks, and the roguery of the Greek phyficians,
*< as quite difcouraged me from putting my defign
<« into execution. But, I beh'eve, there is no fci-
*< cnce fo over run with fo many worrhlefs crea-
<« tures, as that of phytic ; for there is fcarcely any
<« large city, but there is a fet of people that would
«' engrofs the whole circle of pra(!rtice to themfdves,
" of whom it is haid to determine, whether they
'" have a greater want of honelly or of underftand-
*' ing. A fet of people, who ftudy the art of de-
" ceiving, more than how to perfect a cure. A fet
<< of people, fo much the enemies of common fenfe,
*' that to have but a moderate degree of learning,
«* is with them a crime unpardonable, and who
<' pofl'efs no one fingie talent in perft(S^ion. Upon
*< the whole, there is not the leaft doubt but that
•' this dread ul difeafe may be both prevented or
«' cured, or otherwife rendered lefs fatal. God for-
<« bid that it ihould ever happen in this kingdom :
*' but if it Ihould, I lliall be both ready and willing
«< to hazard my life for the welfare of the public.
" Let me recommend it to every one to preferve a
" chearful even temper, to banifli fear, and always
*' to remember, that the morbid effeds of the mind,
" are as bad as thofe of ihe body".
JOPIN PROBY ROWLEY, M. D.
Tl^is ludicrous ejfay tvas of public fcrrice, for the quack im~
meJiatelj quitcd the kin^dcKi, as he ivat treated ivith C3nti;:!pt
0rtd riaitukt c"&^« iy his Patients.
NUM-
th« B A T C H E L G R. 195
NUMBER XXXIV.
Hie niger eji. Hoi.
To Jeoftry Wagstaffe, r.fq.
S I R,
YESTERDAY my curiofity was gratified,
by reading an Epigram additiTcd to C. j.
F — iz ns*.
I own I conceived the highefl dcteftation of" its
author, by reading Sylla's fe'vere aiiimadveifions
on it, in the Freeman. I now entirely agree with
him, that the author (v/hoever he is) of" that"" fcan-
*' dalous, infamous," falfe, and " inuiioral" epigram,
deferves to be marked like Cain, as a vagabond, and
a murderer of repui.ations. — He is certainly a friend
to the Jefuiis, a dangerous enemy to the Protellant
religion, a difafFcfted fubjefl, and a betrayer of his
country. — The very firlt line cads an ungenerous
Tefledion on all thofe who renounce the eirors of
Popery. Is this inlblence to be borne, as long as
• EPIGRAM on (he fecond converfion of Father
J N F — >■ ys.
F — tz — — ns the Fiyar, left Rome 'n the lurch.
For want of I'lcfermcni, abjur'd his own church ;
Arid nov; by the Caftle, he a^s the fame part,
The lof; of a Mitie converted his heart :
At tlie Four Courts apain old John we fl'.ali itc,
la that place aloae, he's fure of kitfuc.
PfOtcf-J
196 The B A T C H E L O R.
Protedaatiliii u the eftabliflied religion ? — A fiiort
commenr, will prove the author's pernicious and
dangerous principles, beyond a pofllbiliiy of doubt.
" F ns the Fryar, left Rome in the lurch,
«' For want of preferment, ahjurd his own
church."
This is equally falfe and malicious : — Though he
ftudied at Sr. Oiner's he never took the habit, and I
am aiTured by his barber, that he has not the lead
fign of liiC tonjure ; nor do I believe that he ever
expeded, or folicited any ecclefiaftical preferment.
On his return to his native country, he read his
recantation from pure convidion, and merely for the
good of his foul, not from an;, wordly motive, or to
qualify himfclf for the bar. — The next two. lines are
alfo pregnant with falfehood and malignity.
*' And now hy the Caftle he a£ts the fame part,
«' The lofs of a Mitre converted his heart."
I fuppofe the author v/ou!J iiifinuate, that Mr.
Y ' ns, who fupported adminiftraiion lalt fefli-
ons, had changed fu'es, and turned patriot from
pique and difappointment. But the very idea of his
having done fo, becaufe he was refufed a mitre, is
abfurd and ridiculous ; for even if he had aflualiy
officiated as a fryar, that would not qualify him for
a Proteftant bifiiopricic, without a fecond ordination
in our church. {y\i}i. Lex Cnnanlra. page \\i.) Others
pretend to fay, that he did not afk. a mitre for him-
felf, but for his fon-in-law, Mr. Beresford : — even this
is a poor apology for the Epigrammatift. — Still there is
an evident folccifm in faying, that he lofi what he
tiii\^xpopjJt:d. Bcfidcs, the alTertion is groundlefs and
malignant;
The B ATCHEL OR. 197
malignant ; Mr. F. never applied for a bidioprick
either for hinifelf, or any of his family ; he aded
on more difmierefted motives. I have heard him
pronounce fome fine long orations, with great zeal
and fervour, for, and againft Lord Townfhend's ad-
minillraiion ; yet I am firmly perfuaded he was equal-
ly fincere in both, and was always a<5tuated by the
fame honeft principles.
We cmne now to the lafl: two lines of this " in-
famous poetical performance."
" At the Four Courts again old John we fliati
fee,
'• In that place alone he's fure of his fee !"
This Is an impudent lye — for it is well known
that he never intends to enter the courts again in his
goTJun. He acquired a handfome fortune, and has
retired, to enjoy Qtium cum dignitate. He generouf-
Ijr gave up his extenfive bufinefs to encourage fuch
young lawyers as Scott, Yelverton, and Malone,
who could not get a fingle client vv^hile he continued
at the bar. The SatirilVs diabolical malice is too
obvious in the fifth line : it is evidently a pointed
fneer on Mr. F ns's Juppofed tergiverfation,
and an ungenerous infult and tiiumph, <^n his not
being rewaided by government according to his
merits. Perhaps he aUb aims a furcaftic fttoke at
the Iwwyers, by alluding to their cuftom of being
feed before they read their brief;, and recommend-'
in'3- the fame cullom to our poliiical orators : how-
ever, I only offer this as a meie conjedture,
I have juft been allured, that this fcnndalous epi-
gram was delivered to thcCounfeHor in ihe Hou'e of
K 5 Commons,
ipS T]ie B A T C H R L O R.
Commons, with his e.':cellency L. Townfliencl's.
name on the back of the letter. Tli.it was adding,
the blackell forgery, to the motl audacious impu-
de:*.ce. This mode of conveyance was wickedly
intended to furprize Mr. F— n.'s at fir ft fight ■>
ns if fomc term.^ were offered from the Callle—
But the manner in which he received ;/, will always
do him honour; — his colour changed, his hands-
trembled, and he had fcarce Itrength enough to
break open the feal. ThJs coufufion, (notwithiland-
ing every iii'beral and invidious conftrudion,) folely
arofe from an honetl indignation againil a venal nii-
niftry, who (as he then thought) had affronted him,
by injurioudy fuppofing he could be tempted to
fvverve from the true intereft of his country, by a
bribe. His fubfequent behaviour proves the truth
of this cbrsrva,tion : on finding only an epigram, he
feemed agreeably difappointed, fixed on his fpe(Sta-
c!es J read it over feveral times before he tl-iorough-
ly underftood it » then put it in his pocket, and did
not expatiate on the grievance of the nation that
day. — —Now, sir, — and here s:r, I fhall con-
clude, with a fincere wifli that a royal proclamation
was iffued, offering a reward to difcover the author,
or authors, that he, or they, may be brought to con-
dign punifhment, and his Majefty's gracious pardon
promifed to any of the accomplices who fliall turn
Kings E'vidence.
I am, fir, yours,
Y MISO-EPIGRAMMATIST.
March &th, 177a.
N U M-
The B A T C H E L O R. 199
N U IM B E R XXXV.
Dss lihdli duplex ejl*.
IMITATED.
The Do£l:or's great at pen or pill,
Can feel vour pulfe, or draw your will.
To JEOFFRY WagSTAFFE, Efq.
I CAN no longer bear to fee my friend Do5lor
Lucas treated with fo much contempt and ridi-
cule by a fet of miniflerial hirelings, whofe names,
eonne^lions, and principles, the public fhall foon
be acquainted with i that the enemies of our righis
and liberties may be branded with infamy to future
ages.
The Do£lor's genius, morals, and learning, are
evident to every unprejudiced perfon ; yet it fhal!
be my bufinefs to elucidate fome pafiages of this
great man's life, which have been envioufly clouded
by the malevolence of his inveterate foes. — It has
been faid that he once drew a lady's will, whea
he attended her as a phyfician, and that fhe, out
of edeem for his (kill and humanity, bequeathed
him a conliderable legacy, in prejudice to her relati-
ons. Now, fir, if Blackftone had been acquainted
with this anecdote, he might eafily have adigned a
Jpicinl reafon, why phyficians ihould apply thcm-
felves to the ftudy of the law : here is a cai'e In point
* Contrary to our original deCgn, we have been induced to in-
Cwta fc.v papers on Dr. Luca-.'f political condaft aad chai'ai^er.
K 4 to
^oo The B A T C n E L O R.
to evince £citd xQ^^on, why
*' lhe\- in particular fhould apply themfehes to the
" ftudy of the law, unlefs in common with other
*' gentlemen, and to complete the charafter of a ge-
*' neral and extenfive knowledge ; a charadter
*' which their profefTion, above others, has remark-
♦' ablv deferved. They will give me leave however
'* to fuegeft, and that not ludicrcufly, that it might
" frequently be of ufe to families on fudden emer-
** gencies, if \ht phyfcin ivere acquainted ivith the
♦* doclrine of lajl luills and teflaments, at leaft fo
•• far as relates to the formal parts of their exe-
*' Ciuion."
It is the true charsfleriftic of genius to a£t by in-
tuition, and to pra(^tife peculiar arts before their
vfe is formal y proved, and recommended by the
labours of ordinary capacities. Thus Homer wrote
the Iliad, before Aiiftotle pnblilhed his Poetics;
and thus Dodtor Lucas drew up Mrs. Brown's lad
will and teftament, before Blackftoiie publifhed his
Commentaries.
This fhews our patriot's fi-.periority in a true
light, and fhould reccmmend him to all families
for I never heard that cUher Sir.uh, Quin, or
Barry, pretended to pradife law awd phyfic for the
good
The B A T C H E L O R. 2oi
good of their patients. For my part, I think the
preference is ftill due to a phyfician who can a(5t
occafjonally as a lawyer. On the fame principle
I employ a barber who underftands fomewhat of
furgery ; thefe iiberal arts are miuually conne<5led
with each o*^her, like Warburton's Alliance between
Church and State.
I could give other fpecimens of the Doflor's
knowledge of law; for it is well 'known when
Alderman King, unjuftly filed a bill againft him, to
recover a pretended debt for drugs, that the Do£lor
in his anfwer (written by himfelf) fpecifies feveral
articles he had received from the Aldeiman, and
moft ingenioufly and appofitely introduces Shake-
fpeare's celebrated defcription of a poor apothecary's
eart. A dunce may become eminent in this way,
as a bungling mechanic often turns out a mull inge-
nious pick-pocket
Let U3 noWifirjexamiiTe thofe alTertions, which are
obtruded on the public as fads, under the lanftion of
your refpedable name. — Every man of fenle, every
impartial man, is convinced, that the meafures pur-
fued during Lord Townflie.nd'o adminiftration, were
formed on a mod liberal plan, and ju.dicioufly calcu-
lated to promote the real intereft of this kingdom.
His Excellency has enemies — but who are they } —
many of our former Chief Governors, v.'ho confider
his difinterefted conduQ as a refledion on them-
felv.es.— Many of our late g^enerals on the ftaif, who
are
The BAT CHE LOR. 207
are mortified, by feeing soldiers fubftituted I'a
their room. — Many of thofe Englifh patriots, who
would faciifice the ftaple manufacture of this king-
dom, to encourage Scotch linen, or Mant:hefter
checks. Is it extraordirvary, then, that nn Iri/h
Houfe of Commons rtiould compliment his ExcelleBcy
in the ufual manner? But the proteft — and proroga-
tion, are not to be afcribed to him, but to an arifto-
Cratic fadtion who rendered that meafure indefpen-
iible, even in the opinion of the patriotic Lord
Cambden. — The vates of the Houfe, are fadts re-
corded on their journals J — it is beneath the dignity
of the Commons to allign a reafon for their proceed-
ings : furely it is impolitic to do fo, when ft renders
their right of rejeding queilionable, which other-
wife could not be contelled.
« The diftrafted ftate of the kmgdom," %s thfs
candid writer, " is hardly to be defcribed ; fince
" the prorogation of parliament, when the Money-
«< Bills only were paffed, on the 27th of December,.
" 1769, trade, manufaflures, and public credit de-
** cayed, and at length expired." I nmft candidly
acknowledge, that I do not underftand what is
meant by the '< diftrafted ftate of the kingdom."
The firft tumultuous rifings of the O.ik and White
Boys, in the year 1760- weie afcribed, with fome
degree of truth, to the opprefllon of their patriotic
landlords. Whenever the name of the prefent
Chief Governor has been mentioned by thefe wret-
ches, it was to estoll his lenity, not to complain of
his rigour.
The Defter would never affume the ftale, naufe-
Gus cant of the Freeman, by afcribing every national
calamity to the prorogation. The American aflbci-
ations.
2o8 I'he BATCH ELOR.
ations, which injured our linen manufafture— Our
large importation of corn, which has drained us of
our circulating fpccie — The increafed number of
our abfentees — The idlenefs, and illegal combinati-
ons of our tradefmen The extravagance, and
frauds of many, who call theinfelves merchants. —
Thefe are the true caufes of the late decay of trade
and credit.
The falfity and abfurdity of the whole paragraph,
is a demonftration that Do£lor Lucas never v.'rote it.
His deep and accurate knowledge in the trade, reve-
nue, and ma nu failures of this country, has rendered
bim as famous for political calculations, as Sir Willi-
am Petty, or D'Avenaiu : I refer any ytf/z/r/?/ read-
er to the Doctor's work^ pajp.m : even the phrafeo-
logy, may convine every perfon of tafte, that the
whole letter is a grofs impofitioii on the public. To
fay that manufadlures decayed, and at length expir-
ed, is in the ft) le of Doctor Rowley, or Dodor
Solomon, but who can fu.pe£t Doclor Lucas for
fuch a folecifm ?'
" Our fcrects are fwarming with manufaflurers,
*' reduced to iulenefs and beggary. Thefe have
♦• fomelinies crowded to beg about the Caflle ; but
" infteaJ of relief, were rcpuKed by military force. '^
That many of our manufaftuiers are reduced to beg-
gary, by their I'.^lencfs and ui unkennels, is a fadt.
The Dw^t.-jr has often hanaagued the icveral corpo-
rations, and given th;m excellent advice on this fub-
jeTr, v^ their refpeclive halls. ^ — "At has adjured the
Taylors, Bricklayers, and Smihs, in the mofl- pathe-
tic manne:, to mind their bi finefs, and give up the
pernicious cuftoni of fpendiig their lime in drinking
whifkey, and talking politicks : but his labor has
beea
The B A T C H E L O R. 209
been in 'vane, and he laments moft bitterly, that the
weavers alone have profited by his fage councils.
He knows very well, that the manufafturers never
crowded about the Caftle to beg, and were never
repulled by military force. When the Marquifs of Kil-
dare prefented an important anonymous paper in
their name, (which added great weight and etScacy
to the city addrefs) their behaviour was dutiful
and fuhmilfive. The Doflor often talks wMth plea-
fure of the extraordinary number of the niititary who
were that day aflembled by the Lord Mayor, to be
witnefTes of the fober and refpedtful demeanour of
the agg-egate body.
The account of the riot at the Parliament Houfe,
is told with an equal degree of candour and ve-
racity. Doctor Lucas heard both the Lord Mayor and
Sheriffs declare, that they were repeatedly afked by
his Excellency, " Whether the riot could not be fup-
" prefTed, and the police of the city maintained, by
•• a due exertion of the civil power.'"' On their
anfwering in the negative, he gave orders to the
commander in chief, to furnifh thofe magiftrates
with any number of troops they might think ne-
ceflary. The Doftor would never have omitted
this very material circumftance, fo much to his
Excellency's honour.
" You are told," fays the letter-writer, " that
^ the Lord Chancellor applied to the Lord Lieute-
♦' nant for military aid upon occafion of this riot.
*' Be afTured this report was falfe ; that great and
" good man was indeed requefted to do fo, by cer-
<« tain court lords, but their application was reje(5te'ifdom drop their vain dlfguife ;
The frailty then of every heart is try'd,
No more pufF'd up with philofophic pride :
Virtue and faith alone can boaft a power,
To chear the languor of that difmal hour ; '
Thro' the dark gloom, they dart a cheating lav.
And ope a profpeft of celeftlal day,
Aided by them in peace flie yields her breath.
And unapallVl now meets the frown of death.
. In that deep figh, for ever — ever ends,
The fweet companion and the beft of friends.
Alas ! what words or numbers can I find.
To paint the anguifli of a hufband's mind j
What
214 The B ATCHELOR.
What lenient balm to eafe his pain employ,
When fad reflection biiters every joy !
Ev'n when ihofe Infants meet his fond embrace,
He fees their mother, in each fniiling face ;
And mufic's chamis no fweet obh'vion brings,
He fees his Charlotte touch the trembling
ihings,
Whofe foothing notes could all his cares remove,
And make him blell with harmony and love.
Y
To the Memory of Lady Townshend ;
By Lord Clare.
WITH dov/ncaft look and pitying eye,
Unarmed, the king of terrors llood j
He laid his fting and terrors by,
Averfe to ftrike the fair and good.
When thus an angel urg'd the blow-
No more thy lifted hand fufpend.
To confcious guilt a dreaded foe,
To Innocence a welcome friend.
Bright hbfts of cherubs round her Hand j
To her and me confelled alone ;
Each waving his celeilial hand.
And pointing to the eternal throne.
The angel fpoke — No hulband dear.
Nor children lov'd, a mournful train,
Could from her eye altra£l one tear.
Nor bend one thought to earth again.
The foul impatient of delay.
No more could mortal fetters bind ;
But fprlnging to the realms of d'S.y,
Leaves every human care behiad.
Yet
The B A T CHELOR. 21.
Yet fhall an infant Daughter's claim,
Demand from heaven thy guardian care ;
Protect that lovefy he!p!efs frame,
And guard that breaft you formed fo fair.
A parent's lofs, unknown, unwept,
Heedlefs, the fatal hour flie pafs'd ;
Or, only thought, her mother flept j
Nor knew how long that fleep mull: laft.
When time, the unfolding mind difplays,
May fhe by thy example led,
Fly from that motley giddy maze.
Which youth and guilt or folly tread !
Thefe never knew the guiding hand.
Which leads to virtue's arduous way;
Mothers now join the vagrant band,
And teach their children how to dray,
Her's, fhall the pious taflc engage,
Such once was thine, with lenient aid,
A father's forrows to afluage
His love with equal love repaid.
So Ihall fhe read v/ith ardent eye.
This lelFon thy lail moments give.
They, who like thee would fearlefs die,
Spotlefs like thee, muil learn to live.
N U M-
2i6 The B A T C H E L O R.
NUMBER XXXVIII.
Continuo audita vocos, vogitus i^ ingens
Infantum,
ViRG.
To the B A T C H E L O R.
Mr. Wagstaffe,
THIS Is to let you know, that I am a woman,
that keeps the big houfe in College-Green,
for rearing and dry-nurfing ill-thriven, ricketty chil-
elren, that is fent to me by their parents or friends.
Upon my confcience now it would move the heart
of a Turk, to fee how my poor head is moidered
■with the noife and racket they make. But to be
fure now, it's comikal enough to think v.-hat ftrange
thing's will fometimes come into children's heads, for
would you believe it they have got a play among'em,
that they call the hunting the geefe in the goofe pye.
Now the way they play it is this. They put the
biggeft chiW in the houfe in ray big flraw chair in
the middle of the room ; they call him the gander,
and they all ftrive to cackle about him like geefe.
The voung chaps that can't fpeak p'ain, and only
fdy yes or w, they caWgoJlings.
Now the noif/efl child in my whole houfe, at this
play, is little Phlogy. If any of his playfellows
vexes him, and does'nt let him have his own way,
he whines, and whimpers, and fqualls as if he was
kilt.
The B ATCHELOR. 217
kilt. To be fure the creter's a great objed with the
rickets, aud I'm afraid he'l never come to good ;
and tor all that the brat's always a climbing, and
gets many a tall by it, that makes him cry as if his
little heart wou'd break. Well to be fure there's
another boy that's as comikal as he, that's Tacky
Blubber. I belive all the world would never get
him to learn his horn book, and yet becaufe he's a
likely child and come of good people, they nioft
commonly make him the gander, and put him in
the middle. I'm afraid my poor chair won't laft
long among'em for Jack does not know how to fit
quiet in it, and when any of the boys wants to puU
him out of it, he tears out a handful of the ftraw
and offers it to them, by way of giving them a fhare.
He has another trick to coax the little gentry, ^He
will take cdkes and gingerbread out of his poc%t,
and promife them a bite, and juft as they have it at
their mouth, he fnatches it back and eats it hiinfelf^
for Jacky's a great glutton.
It wou'd take up all day to tell you of all the
little rogueifh tricks thefe children play in the game
of the goofe-pye. But there's one more I can't
help telling you of, and that's one of them that's
the cittejl child among'm, at building card-houfes.
They once turned him out of the play, becaufe he
wanted to make them believe that they was built
fo llrong, that a putF of wind woud'nt blow'em
down. But now he's as great as ever with'em, for
he's very diverting, by making the piQure cards all
march like foldiers.
But, dear Mr. WagftafF, I'm not come to my bu-
finefs yet. The hardeft ta(k of all on me is this, to
get thefe unlucky children ever to go to reft. Jacky
L to
2i8 The BAT C H E L O R.
to be fure is the ringleader, but Phlogy makes more
noife than any of 'em. T made thiii fong for him,
and the little creter is fo happy with it, that I can't
get him to go fleep without finging it to him.
Now what I want is tor you to put it in your paper,
as it may be of ufe for other nurfes that is plagued
with crofs fickly children.
Being all at prefent from,
Sir, your honour's humble fervant,
MARY the NURSE.
A NEW SONG on Dodor Lucas. Air,
Hey ! my Kitten, a Kitten, &c.
WHAT did my Phlogy, my Phlogy,
And what did my Phlogy wanty j
Tell why did It whimper and fret,
Or what made it fcold and canty .''
Did my pet want a militia.
And did it want it my deary .''
Kifs its own mammy, my honey
, And you (hall get one next yeary.
Diddiily, Diddidy, Diddidy, &c.
If it will (land all aloncy.
Honey (hall have its wifliing :
Come walk by the (lools my cherub.
And you fliall get a comuiillion.
Get ye gone, foldiery, foldiery,
Does their bloody coats fright ye ?
Begone naughty fellows, I (ay.
Or I'll call Pompey to bite ye.
Diddidy, &c.
And
The B ATC HELOR. 219
And does it Aide down on the banifters,
Does it Aide down my deary ?
Ah, Phlogy you muftn't be clar.bing,
V/ithout your mammy is neary.
Here go to the toy-{hop,ye huffey,
And buy a cock-horle for a poney ;
Come leave off your crying my (picey,
My precious (hall ride all aloney.
Dlddidy, .SiC.
My child knows nothing of Blakeney,
Nor what is become of his money :
Fie, tatling VVagftaff", I wonder,
You iTudy to vex my honey.
Yes, yes, if my babe does not cry,
He Ihall have fugar and jelly ;
And mammy will buy a fine book,
And learn her own pet to spelly,
DiitJidy, S:C.
For jewel a coral I'll buy,
Befides its little Doll Doi'sey ;
And wonderful horns as e'er.
Were in the Parliament hou fey.
A paw paw aldermen, aldermen,
Did it mifs fippend my deary ?
Get it fome puppy, fome pappy.
My own little Phlogy to cheary.
DUMdy, &'C>
And O ! my Phlogy, my Phlogy,
And O ! my gay little Phlogy ;
Blefs lis fine limbs a/id odd eye,.
Was there e'^r (0 conxing a ro"L!ev ?
L I Get
220 The B A T C H E L O R.
Get ye g my pet fy, proroguey ?
DidJidjy &C
O ! my cheruh, my cherub.
And O ! my cherub and lifey ;
Leave off your fqualiing my jewel,
And you fhall have a witey.
You fliall have viper in broth,
Ej;g3 and falop and clary j
Then liufho by-baby, bv-baby.
Lie clofe to your own dear JVIary.
Diddidy, &C.
NUMBER XXXIX.
An Epistle to R— B—RT J— PK— N, Efq.
J— PH — N, had I your wit and fportive vein,
To gild my lays, and dignity my drain ;
Porih'd and keen my eaiy verle might fhine.
And plealing ridicule fhoulJ grace each line.
My trembling mufe, a faint rclemblance draws.
But drives to fing, and pants for your applaufe.
What lluff from Baraiaria late was feen.
Which fiH'o lethargic citizens with fpleen ;
Who o'er their cups with rapture often fwore,
The author v/rote as Lucas wrote before .'
Shall fuch abufe, like wit and fatire hurt,
Whofe higheft vaunt's to daub and fmear with dirt.
Then may goofe dung for 'vl'vid lightning pafs,
As we all luiow— ;V burns and withers grafs.
Swiftf
The BATCHELOR. 221
Sivift, with fuch ftrength his Tory papers
writ.
That even Whigs admir'd his manly wll ;
For if in authors, lenfe with fancv join.
To throw a luftre o'er each fterling line,
Fleas'd we applaud, tho' different be our plan,
And praife the writer, when we blame the man :
But loath the fool, who (landers vile can raife'.
And a bad heart, with a weak head dilplays.
Thet rumpet thus, will make th£ courfer bound,
And joy delighted at the martial found j
But fee h'm droop, and rtare with wild amaze,
Start at an' afs, and tremble when he brays.
Let blund'rin^ Lucas Itill harangue the mob.
Declaim with rage, and always cry a foB T
See the (launch vet'ran gaz'd at by the croud,
For being fliamelefs, petulant, and loud j
Whom mobs have rais'd, and rear'd to fcandaL's
throne.
For (hewing parts congenial to their own j.
Zealous and prone his betters to abufe,
And rage, fedition, in each bread: infufe,
To court each worthlefs tribe with fawning
arts,
A-nd fwell the pride and venom of their hearts :
So have I feen a fportive boy, with (kill.
At frog's poUeriors ply a (lender quill,
l.oathfome at firft, flill more deform'd it grows.
Each livid fpoc expanded as he blows.
Contempt and fcorn, fuch zealots beft reftraiu;
Exile and pillories will make them vain.
See taylors, coblers, (hoeboys, all confpire,
To helch his piail'e, and l\upidly adnure,
L 3 The
222 The BATCHELQR.
The orator, who tells his patriot cares,
To keep iherii fafe from Aldermen and
Mny^rs ;
Reduce the troops, to conflant riot bret).
And plant a brwue militia in their (lead :
Then by analogy he fhews ihjir ufe,
*' Since for tiie goflings fights each valiant
" goofe ;
** A fpruce militia fure would lofe their lives
♦' To fave their chlldKn or their dearer
or freedom, liberty, and rights he talks,
Afid in iliiT, heavy declaniarion italks :
The factious tribune, what he has affords
Ideas none, he only gingles words.
To ideois, thus, the ufe of gold appears
Solely to chink, and pleafe their fenfelefs ears :
S >norous nothings in a ponipous ftrain,
Sei^e ev'y ear, and madilcn ev'.ry bfain:
His bomball eloquence, the audience fuits,
For noife and no.ifenfe govern mobs and hr"tesy
When fenie or mufic wou'd difguft their taftes j
—This proves the fympathy 'tween them and
bcaf^s :
With well chofe orat'ry fo Litcas bawls,
And finds his friends obedient to his cails :
A Burke on fuch, would only wafte his time,
And fpeak in vain, altho' he (^oVt—fuhlime.
So Darby* fv.-ains can lead the UlVning hogs,
To the hoaife no'es each briftly niontler jogs ;
A bottle rumbled in a bowl with (kill,
The/rf« born (wine will follow where ibey will:
* It is a cuflom in Derbyjhire to call the fwine toge-
ther, by rumbliog a bottle in a bov. 1.
Tho'
The B A T C H E L O R. 223
Tho' Hayes might long a Hatidd"?, drains apply
Unheard, unheeded, by the groveling ftye.
Next in the fenate hear old Lucas babble,
And talk as it he ftill addrels'd the rabble ;
Loquacious, bold, he fcarcely feels a /'//,
And- only fiuarts by Hutchifan^ keen wit ;
Dirtinft and clear, whofe periods roll along
Vv ith fancy bright, in reafon ever ftrong :
Contempt and laughter, fenfe can ne'er refliore ;
For Lucas pours out nonfenfe as before.
A cabin cur thus kicks, and ladies feels,
That fnaps and barks at ev'ry horfe's heels ;,
His nature fuch, the punifliment's in vain.
For the next travelPr finds — he'll bail again.
By his [age care has Grub Street Journal rofe.
His ftyie and manner ev'ry writer ihews ;
Such are the men who grumble from the prefs,.
VFho talk of wrongs, and bellow for redrefs :
With fcandals mean, a foldicr's name purfue.
And blame the 'w/'u/?, but for the faults of few.
Lately, indeed, you priz'd each valiant band.
When Gallia' z pow'r 'fpread terror o'er your
land ;
Humbled by fear, a red coat then could charm,
By danger taught, you blefb'd a foldier's arm.
Which Britain's, glory fpread o'er ev'ry coall,
And gave her empire — more than Roine could-
boaft.
A {landing army, now is all the cry,
And ev'ry blockhead frights — he knows not-
why ;
A turkey cock thus fhakes his brainlefs head.
And jabbers loud at any rag that's red.
L A Let
224 'I'he B A T C II E L O R.
Let J — PH — N fpeak, in truths Iiilloric read>
(His pen alone the callous boobies dread)
And paint the foldiers virtue, in that hour
When freedom gafp'd beneath a tyrant's pow'r :
"James ftrove to bend an anny to his will,
But found that Britijh troops — were Britonj
Who lov'd their country, priz'd her glorious
laus.
And fcornM to combat in a tyrant's caufe :
Their joyous * fhouts lliuck timid yc/ww with
awe,
His army g.ive us Freedom and Najj'uu.
Exulting now. we tune the grateful lay,
For rights rettor'd beneath a foldier's fway.
Gur king a viceroy' chofe, w^ell known to fame,
(Even Ir.di 'K wilds have heaid a Tuvunjhend'i
n.uritf)
Propi'.ious here to rule this favour'd ifle,
Bid faction ceafe, and make Hihernud fmile :
bo Roman confuls from their country far
Shone bright in arms, and fpread dcftruftlve
war ;
Qy conqnefl crown'd, they bid barfh difcord
ceafe,
And blefs'd the Forum with the arts of peace ;
Enacted lav/s thai grievances redreft.
And liv'd, like Townshend, in each grateful
breall. Y
♦ On the acquittal of the biftiops,
VERSES
The BAT CHE L OR. 225
VERSES Jefi^ned as an Inscription for
Dodor L U C A S 's Statue.
Petra Immobilior.
SEE Lucas he-^e in marble (lands,
A patriot firm and true !
fn aflion giaceful fpreads his hands,
Expoled to public view.
We'll have a god, Fanatics fald,
To fight in our behalf:
—So Van Nn/i Lucas' ftatue made,
As Aaron made a calf.
Wagstaffe, lay down your critic rod>
Adore like us, and wonder,
And don't, il/ce M'ofes, break our god.
In pieces fmall, afunder.
Around this ftatue, mobs fliall roar,.
And loud their Lucas hail,
He like a p?per kite fliall foar,
With ragweed at its tail. "W
N u m
Ci6
The B A T C H E L O R.
NUMBER XL.
B R O G H I L L
Answ er
S I N D E R C O M B E.
YOUR letter gave me fome fatisfadion —
not that I admit the authenticity of your
fa£ls, or admire the foice of your arguments, not
that I think the public will be better enabled to
judge of the meafures of government, by the
communication of your fentiments, or that the
Lord Lieutenant will be reformed by the fevericy
of your animavlveriions : — but as a well-wlfher to
the perfon and adminiftralion of his excellency, I
am pleafed to find that a writer of no defpicahle
talents, is obliged to refort for the materials of in-
ventive, to the ftale relufe of news- paper anec-
dotes, and the exploded calumnies of vulgar de-
traction. You have colIe(5ted the remnaDts of both,
v/ith a malicious induftry, and tricked them cut in
jiU the tinfil of antithefis, and the fecond-hand
frippery of imitated periods. You have kept a
reverend eye upon that great Homer of defamati-
on, Junius, and like your mafter have created a
nionfter of your own imagination, in order to fliew
liow jngenioufly you can rail .it it.
There
The BATCH-EL OR. 227
There is fomething very Inconfiftent in the advice
with which you begin your lelier, that Lord
Tov/nfhend fhould think it luorth his tvhile (your
own elegant expreflion) to deliver down unimpaired
to pofterity, a name dillinguifhed by the virtue of
his anceftors, when at the fame time, you dO'
every thing to prevent the benefit of your own
admonition, at once throwing dirt upon his repu-
tation, and warning him to take care it may not bs'
fullied.
A writer, whofe principal aim, like yours, is tO'
rail, muft trace up every political event to a cor-
rupted fource. Accordingly in rejeding fome pre-
tended caufes of L — d T d's appointment,
your very candour is no lefs malicious, than your
fagacity, in fixing upon that which appears to you:
to be the true one. The interell of families is ge-
nerally the fame, and a great llation, obtained by-
the juft reputation of brothers, is feldom held
upon ignominious conditions, or ufed for unworthy-
purpofes.
Full of the beft intentions towards the country
he was to govern; he opened his firil feffion with^
the promife of a law to fecure the independance of
judges, and v/hy that promife was not fulfilled in-
its utmoft extent, muft be afked, not on this fide
of the water, but perhaps of a quondam minilter,
whofe jefuitical politics, feldom had any higher
view, than to fecure his own department froiu en-
croachments, by impeding ihe bufincfs and dlmi-
nilhing the credit of every other. — The public,,
however, have litilc to legret, as no ii conveniencies-
have been known to refuli horn this difappointment;
and:
228 The B A T C H E L O R.
and the attainment of ten fuch laws, to fecure
what was never iiivaded, could not be conlideied as
equivalent to that which was never expetled,
though fo often demanded, the limitation of par-
liaments.
It is difficult to determine, upon what authority
you fo confidently aflerc, that his E y never
intended, that is, never wifhed to give either. Is
it the fiirewdnefs of your own conjedure ? Or has
it been fuggefted to you by that gentleman of popu-
lar tnanners, \a hoiu you reprefent fo honourably
contending againft government, in its own armour,
and vviih its own weapons, at the head of his re-
venue legion of colledors, furveyors, waiters,
fearchers, packets and gaugers I He indeed miglit
have told you, that as to himfelf, he never wilhed
fuccefs to the limitation bill, notwithftanding his
pretended zeal for it ; that he had found more
than one Chief Governor, on whofe fympithy he
could repofe the infincerity of his bofom, and know-
ing little more than the (lation of Lord Townfliend,
concluded that would operate as it had done belbre,
for the gratification of his private views, which
were generally inconfillent with his public declara-
tions. Were thefe authorities however more pow-
erful, the ftubborn fadt would not bend before
them. We have the law, and the people have
paid the honell tribute of their gratitude to him,
who dilliained an under-hand ftipulaiion to cbftru£t
it, whofe name will appear with unrivalled luflre
in the records of parliament, and whole memory
will be revered while there is any fenfe of indepen-
dance, or any abhorrence of opprefTion, in the yeo-
manry of Ireland. You next tell us, that the fuc-
cefs of ihe augm,;ntation was the piincipal object
of
The B A T C H E L O R. 229
of the adfliiniftratlon, and yoii impute the milcarri*-
age to hi3 uant of management, though you enu-
merate a catalogue of difficulties, which made
fuccefs ahuoft impolllble. Thus hurried along by
a rage to criminate, you either confound the
charge with the juftincation, or, (which is more
likely) you fuppofe the incautious reader may do it
for you.
• Some circamflances unfavourable to the merfure
he could not forelee, and others from a regard to
his own dignity, he could not wifh to prevent. Of
the firft fort were, the clofing the committee of
fupply, (which could not be kept open 'till the
enabling a£t, previoufly neceffary for the augmen-
tation of the forces was paffed by the legiflature of
Eng'and) and the clamours raifed againft the army,
there, and in America, for interpofiiig at the defire
of the magiftracy in both countries, to fupprefs-
riots, and reilore order, for which no civil autho-
rity was found fufficient. Of the fecond, was the
claufe of diffb'iution in the limitation bill, agreea-
ble to the true fpirit of the law, as fuch the objett
of the people's wifh, and therefore entitled to the
recommendation of government. — But the great
difficulty, and the great offence of all remains to be
accounted for, the alienation of parties from go-
vernment. The public have long knov/n this was
the real caufe of oppofition, but tii! you appeared,
no one was found hardy enough to impute it as the
crime of adminiftr?tion. To lee the bulinefs of
the nation conducted without the venal concur-
rence of a rapacious confedeiacy, had long been
the wifh and the defpair of the people. Thofe
who reverenced the dignity of the crown, were
ferry to fee it degraded by the fupinengfs or timi-
dity
230 The B A T C H F L O R.
dity of its reprefeniatives. Too inany adminiftra-
tions had been diftinguifhec! bv events of no greater
importance than new acceilions of influence to
connt-xions aleady over giovi-n, and the ftameful
barter of the fnvours of government, to focure the
repofe, or ro gratify the avarice of the governor.
No wonder chcn, when a new fpirit of activity
and difintereftednefs appeared at the caftle, that
nev/ maxims fhould be adopted, and new pretences
held out by the di'' ppoinied brokers in parliamen-
tary traffick — without changing their principles,
thrv 'uddeniy changed their conduct, and united all
their ftrength to harrafs him whom they could
neither feduce nor intimidate. The well difciplined
cohorts of L — n — r and S — h — n, fell into the ranks
at the firll; tao of the drum ; and the motley bands
of P y were cajoled and menaced into obedi-
ence. A body of independent irregulars joined the
ftandard, not the caufe of oppnfidon, and after
difputing every inch of the ground, victory was de-
cided in their favour by an inconfiderable fuperiori-
ty It required no fmall dcg.ee of fpirit to look
thi- formidable alliance in the face, and nothing
but the greateft circumfpeftion could have prevent^-
ed its beiiig ftronger.
So far your capital objeftion to him as a ftatfe-
man, is without foundation ; yet admitting, as I do,
that the fuccefs of the augmentation was his prin-
cipal objeft, I fhould be at a lofs how to defend
his fufRciency, had he again been bafHed, but to the
confufion of your own argument, you are obliged
to acknowledge, that in this meafure he has fuc-
ceeded ; and let the voice of truth tell you how ;
— with fuch peculiar felicity, as to give at once
new vigour to the crown, and new fecurity to the
people ;
The B A T C H E L O R. 231
people ; to unite ta its fiapport the real patriot by
his principle, and the falfe one by his pretence, to
leave even jealoufy without a fear, and ingenuity
without one colourable objeift-ion. But it leems
you are as much otFended with the new modification
of the mealure, and the terms upon which it was
obtained in the fecond felfion, as at its not bein?
obtained at all in the former. You are hurt to fee
majefty defcending from the throne, and capitu-
lating with the people. I have never underflood
that an amicable agreement between the king and
the fubje£t, for the mutual benefit of both, hai been
ever confideied as a degradation of royalty. — The
crown has often made exchanges of a fimilar na-
ture, furrendering prerogative for revenue; and
feme of the greateft improvements of the conftitu-
tion have avifen from fuch a conm>erce. Had his
majefty, or his reprefentative, meanly ftipulated
with indi'viduals for the fupport of his meafures,
and, according to wha-t feems to be the great my(l:e-
ry of your politicks, promifed or bribed them inta
compliance, the king might then indeed be laid to
have defcended from his thvone and to have profti-
ttited the royal dignity. — Your profecution againfl:
him as a ftatfeman being cloied, you proceed to
arraign him as a fenator and a foldier. An imj. ar-
tial account of his condu6t in both the(e relations,
would be his betl panegyiick and your fulleft re-
futation. His ample fortune a.^.d iplendid expec-
tations, his voluntarv engagement in an unlucniiive
and perilous p.ofeffion ; the fp'rit with which he
relinquifhed, and v/iih which he refunied it,- the
teftimony of the generals he lerved under, and of
the armies he ci mmanded, have all contributed to
fet a ftal upon hio character, and are fuch memori-
als
132 The B A T C H E L O R.
als to his honour, as the moft ingenious malice will
never be able to efface.
You are grofsly ignorant of, or you grofsly mifre-
prefcnt the motives ot his parliamentary conduft.
He patronized the militia bill, and the Duke of
Gumbt'rland was no friend to it. This was the
caufe of their milunderftanding. He preferred the
duty he owed his c(Mintry to every other confide-
ration, and difcharged it faithfully, though the tem-
porary difappo.ntment of his military ambition,
and the frov/ns of a prince, were to be the forfeit.
When that prince, difcountenanced a meafure fo'
congenial to the Englifh conftitution, he oppofed
Mr. T— 111— d, not Mr. T— Ih— d him.— As to the
reft, I will not difturb the little triumph of your
fancy, but rather thank you for that play of words,
which having led you from things to found, has-
fpared me the trouble of an anfwer to an accufati-
on too frivolous to deferve one.
There remain but two Particulars more to be
noticed, and then I fiiall follow you to a conclufion.
L — d T d's corre£lion of Col. L — tt — 1 by
a political bravo, is no lefs falfe than his launcing'
the thunder of a reverfionary challenge at Dr.
L s. The mentioning Col I. — tt — Ps name In
the H. of Commons, was merely accidental, and
from the circumftances of the time and the occafi-
onj could not poffibly have happened from fug-
geftion or preconcert. It is in vain to refer you to
all the members of the houfe who weie prefent,
for you knew the falfehood before you publi/hed it.
As to the venerable infirm member, his own petu-
lance drew upon him a reprimand which his vanity
chofe
The B A T C H E L O R. 23.3
cliofe to interpret into a challenge, yet L — d
T d's words bore no fuch meaning, nor were
lb underftood by any perfon prefent.
At your conclufion you labour haid in the af-
fefted ftrains of ungenuine pathetic, to give a
mournful defcription of deceafed merit at the ex-
pence of the living, and your impotence feems to
encreafe in proportion to your efforts : dijeafe and
(leathy triumphs and lamentations, funeral obfe-
quies, a venerable matron, fiends and heroes,
Greeks and Romans, graves and monuments, are
all grouped in the gloomy pidure.
While the yet undecided fate of Canada and of a
Blitifh army were depending, the general who
fucceeded to the command had no leifure to cull
fuch flowers of rhetorick to deck the grave of
the departed conqueror : but being himfelf a foldi-
er, he paid a more judicious tribute to the merit
of his colleague, by publickly teflifying that his
intrepidity and fkilful operations had enfured the
vidtory.
I mud fpend a few words more to deteft another
calumny, which has baflifully retired from your
text into an humble note, where you accufe him
of ufurping General Monckton's province, and igno-
Jantly or arrogantly figning the capitulation. After
the death of General Wolfe, General Monckton
was carried on board a fhip in the river wounded,
as it was thought mortally ; and the command
devolving up n Lord Townfhend, it was his duty
and his province to fign the capitulation.
Having
234 The B A T C H E L O R.
Having now done with your letter, allow me
to fay a word or two to your perf -n, and to guefs
at your charader by the marks of it in your com-
pofition.
You are not the friend of the conmiunity in
general, for you wifli to fee all power engroifed by
a few individuals : you are not the friend ot Irifh
liberty, or of Engllfh government, for when you
wifh the tone of prerogative may never be relaxed,
you wifh it at the hazard of the peoples affedlions
and at the expence of the conftitution of Ireland
having told you what you are not, let me now
tell you what you are. You are the friend of
fuccefsful corruption, and an enemy to Lord
Townfliend, becaufe he does not pradife the art
of corrupting. You are the admirer and humble
imitator of Junius, and the fellow labourer in
the great harveft of fedition The fignature you
have chofen is perhaps expreiTive of your difpofiti-
on, lake care that it may not be an omen of your
cataftrophe ; fince you would leave behind you,
a reputation at bed but infamoufly ambiguous ; —
to be refolved by your friends into an affairm, and
by your enemies into a fuicide.
March ^A, \'jjo. B R O G H I L L.
Z
NUM-
The B A T C H E L O R. 235
NUMBER XLI.
Fane Ligur, fruftraque animis elate fuperbis
N.equkquam patrias tentajii lubricus artes.
ViRG.
To J. P Y, Efq.
SIR,
N addrefling myfelf to you, I fliall neither ufe
fatire not invedlive : fuch weapons are unnecef-
fary ; a candid and true ftate of knoiun fads will
bell difplay the meannefs and duplicity of your pub-
lic conduiS, which has been fo abfurd, that the In-
venomed pen of a Junius, could neither exagge-
rate or mifreprefent it.
I am well aflured that your noble kinfman, whom
you and your agents fo loudly accufe, and aflidu-
Oufly revile, has long difapproved of your conduft 5
that he forefaw the inevitable confequence of your
miferable, fluduating, inconfiftent politics; — that
he warned you, like a friend, in the mod explicit
and candid terms. — A warning you have received
from many of thofey who had long borne you
up triumphantly, notwithftanding your innate pro-
penfity to fink. At length, after a fucceffion of
capital blunders, equally the efFe£l of your own
weaknefs and indecifion, and the impetuous dida-
torial temper of that unnatural and fatal alliance,
by which you were bullied into implicit obedience,
you at laft brought yourfelf and family into a ftate
of fubordluacion and infignificance. It then became
that
236 The BATCHELOR.
that much niifreprefenred nobleman, with many
others, to refledl ferioufly on the ftate of pubhc
affairs, and on the duties they owed their country.
Though you have often played them off againft
foriiier Lhief Governors, merely to enhance your
own con!eqiK'nce, and aggrandize your family, yet
they could not but fee the great difference, between
a ferious rupture with Great Britain, on a moll: de-
Kcate interelling point, and a contention for Mr.
P y's fuperiority over any Chief Governor his
Majeily might chufe to appoint.
Your fliallow inteUedts never fathomed the depth
of your new counfellois. You could not expert
that men, who, though ftrongly attached to you,
had ftiil preferved too much fpirit to be lanked
among your hacks, would ever fubiiiit to a6l as lul>
{ervient tools to the wild ambition of your new al-
lies ; efpecially when they obferved your abject hu^
miliation to a party, which had ever oppofed you
and your family. Let me afk you, fir, how often
have ycu brought in many of your mod approved
and refpedtable friends to oppofe, and afterwards
Jupport the famemeafure within the period of the
prefent adminiftralion ? How often have you pub-
licly declared your difapprobation of queftions the
mod interelling to yourfelf and your country, and
fhortly after, deferted your own judgment ; influ-
enced and intimidated by the menaces of men^
whom you equally diftrufted and haled ? Even you,
fir, have too much fincerity to deny this. — Many of
your friends faw this conduct with furprize, and
could not but follow you with reludance ; they
plainly faw whofe meafures you ftooped to fupport,
and when you thus deferted yourfelt, they thought
therafelves at liberty. The late augmentation, on
which
The B A T C KELOR. 237
which you buiit your faaie, that firil in(;arce of
your mock patriotifm, is a proof of what J have
afleiced. You oppcfed .\ falutary and judicious
nieafure, (rom ambition. You oppofed it, becaufe
it was not a j b, ^t\i\ Hecaule you had not the ma-
nagement or it. You carivafled againft it a fecond
tune, even before you knew in what new mode it
niigVt be introduced, whether fuch as would effec-
tual! v filpnceand aiifwer all pub'ic objections, or
not : and when you found that you could not pre-
vent the meaiure, you voted for it, in hopes inat
government w ;uld, as ufual, be duped by your ar-
tifice, and that you fhould fa've yourfeii".
Your very lingular condud, fir, appeared equal-
ly flagrant ; your duplicity was equally remarkable,
when the alteration in the meafurement of the gal-
lon was propofed in rhe houfe. A fenfe of your
duty, as firft Commiflioner ot the Revenue, promp-
ted you to oppofe it. Here, the duty of youi fitua-
tion, and your own fentiments coincided ; — vet the
frowns of the patriots prevailed, and impelled you
to defalcate _£2sooo. from the current fupplies of
tlie year. The only vi: tue you (hewed on this oc-
cafion, was modejly : it was lureiy through modeJ}y^
you afterwards apologized for your beiiaviour, by
faying you had only adopted a icir me approved by
the Board • — Thofe gentlemen, under whofe fandi-
on you attempted to fheUer vourfelf, publicly con-
tradidled you, and left M.. F y nothing but his
eflablijhed chaia(Ster for 'veracity and Jtncerity, to
fupport his aflertion.
It would be too irkfome a taflc to expatiate on
your many tergiverfations, which ^o often fub)c6ted
you, as a fervaut of the crown, to make luch hu-
miliating
238 The EATCHELOR.
miliating apologies at the Caftle, at the very time
you were attempting to impofe on the public by
profelfions of pati iotifin. — I fhall content myfelf
with reminding you of one inftance at prefent, be-
caufe it is not only the mod recent, but in fa(ft,
the moft important to your country, and your own
confequence. Did you not, fir, a few minutes be-
before Mr. L — gf-^d's motion to rejefl the iMoney-
Bill as originated in the council, declare that you
highlj^difapproved of that meafure, and would ne-
ver confent to it ? Did not your beft friends expect
you would oppofe it ? What obligation then has
the public to you for this fudden guft of patrio-
tifni ? which was neither the effeft of deliberation,
nor inclination, but that of wretched timidity^
wnich has peculiarly diftinguiflied your character.
You, fir, publicly declared, that you thought
you had gone far enough ; — that is, you fuppofed
you had dillrefled government fufficiently for your
purpofe : for you were ahvays too much of a
Statesman', to let the real inlereji of your coun-
try have any v^'eight with you. — If a difpute with
the crown of England, upon Poyning's A6t, was a
national ad-vantage^ we are obliged to Mr, L — g-
f — d, and thcfe who fupported him, and not to
you. Your new allies were too well acquainteii with
the verfatility of your difpofition; for when you
were wavering, the M -fs of K — Id — re ftept
up, and menaced the wretched Speaker into obedi-
ence. This (hews how uninformed, and unprepared
you were for the queftion ; and fo little is the public
obliged to you, for any part of your condud which
can be conllrued into public fpirit ! — Nay, your
own haughty fon-in-law was furprized and unin-
formed,
The B A T C H E L O R 239
formed, when his f.'iloweiS ruflied fiom the tavern,
to join in thai fudtien and inieuiperate refolution.
Even your fon-in-]aw has fince condemned that
fvote, as rafh and impolitic. On what fuoting then
ftands your ciedit ? And yet, you call on ptu'ons
lefs allied by affinity, or obligation, to fupport you
in what your fon-in-law condemns, and what you
yourfelf difapproved. And even, if I miilake not,
you have delivered over every conhdential fe-
cret againfi: thein, to be infidioufly mifrc-prefented
by the malignity of our Free- [-"refs patriots ; foolijb-
ly conceiving, that the virulence and fcurriiity of a
few difappoi;:ted men, will prejudice the public
againft thofe, whofe only crune is their refufing to
ferve any longer under poor J. P y-
There is, fir, even in this age of mad and Illi-
beral politics, fome refpeft due, from honed and
feeling hearts, to old alliances and connections. It
is not furely a difference of opinion, upon a ferious
point of the utmoll national importance, that can
authorife one gentlem n to call in the rabble, to fit
in judgment on the lamily anecdotes of another.
Nor ought you, fir, for any political difappoint-
nient, (poflibly arifing from your own folly or ore-
funiption) to ufe thofe daggers to private happinefs,
by divulging anecdotes; which you could never
have polfeffed, but by fpecious piofellions of the
waruieil: friendfhip. — Let the filly, undefigning, jol-
ly Jack P y, at his leifure hours, refledl, that
his political quarrel with his principal friends, ori-
ginated more from his own verfalility and infinceri-
t/, than from their defeQion.
I am, fir, yours,
April 20th, 1 77 1. V E R A X.
V ' N UM
240 The B A T C 11 E L O R.
NUMBER XLII.
Rara tetnporum ftlicitate, ubi /entire qutf velis, et
qua Jt7itias dicere licet.
Tacit.
To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq,
A Skeich of the political Hiftory of Ireland, du-
ring Lord To WNSH end's adininiftration. Writ-
ten/or the year 1900.
WE are now arrived at an interefting period in
the annals of Ireland. That celebrated,
(latefman, Mr Pitt, afterv/ards created Earl of
Chatham, fuggeftcd the firfl: idea of reducing the ex-
orbitanr power of a fadlious, venal ariftocracy, who
had iinpoverilhed the kingdom, difgraced adminiftra-
t'lon, and fullied the dignity of the Commons, by
their parliamentary jobbs. The eftablifhment of a
refident Viceroy, feemed the moft effe£tual means
of cariying this wife, and liberal fyflem of poUcy,
into execution ; accordingly, George Lord Vlfcount
Townfhend, was appointed Lord Lieutenant, in the
year 1767. The charadters and views of the lead-
ers in oppofition, or as they were then ftilcd, Patri-
ots, will be a neceffary introduction to this part of
our hillory.
T-he D— ke of L— ft— r, fupported by his power-
ful connexions, and the hereditary influence of his
faraily> entertained extravagant notions of his own
importance :
The B A T C II E L O R. 241
importance : he had been appointed one of the
Lords Juftices in the year 1757; and his ambition
was heated by that faint reflection of royalty. He
had been raifed to the dignity of a D — ke, and en-
joyed the honourable and lucrative office of Mafter
General of the Ordinance ; an office, /« thofe days,
jull calculated for a man paffionately fond of parade
and grandeur ; of ffiining in the military trappin-rs
of a foldier at a review, without fharing in the toils
or dangers of the profeffion. Yet the D — ke foon
forgot his Sovereign's favours favours which he
had folicited with anxiety, and received with reve-
rence. His piide was mortified, by feeing Engliih
noblemen, inferior to him in rank and lineage, adt as
the reprefentalives of Majefty, for he derived his
ideas of a ftatefman's genius and experience, from
the bock of heraldry. Aduated by ihefe motives,
and as arrogance and felt-fufficiency operate ftrong-
ell in weak minds, the D — e afpircd to the Lieute-
nancy of the kingdom, and retired in difguft, be-
caufe his ambition was not gratified. He grew
fplenetic, fullen, and difTatialied, loudly exclaiming
againll the fame meafures of government, as op-
preluve and unconftitutional, which he had for-
merly approved and applauded. His capacity was
mean and narrow ^ — all his ftudies were confined
to the ridiculous CEConomical arrangement of his
houfhold. As he neither i;ofrcfred talents or know-
ledge, he was fervilely bigoted to forms and ceremo-
nies. He was oftentalious from pride, and fplendid
rather than hofpitable j — naturally referved and
diltant, and but fupercilioufly civil and polite ;—
peremptory and obllinate, becaufe his dull, fombrous
imagination, rendered him incapable of varying his
ideas on any fubjefl, by viewing it in different
lights. Want of penetration prevented his being
M guided
242 The B A T C II E L O R.
guided by the ableft men of his own party, as he was
neither fenfible of his own weaknefs, or of their
luperioiity. However, the D — ke veiled his ambi-
tion, under the fpecious appearance of indepen-
dence and public fpirit. Sonierinies, he would even
condefcend to capitulate v.'ith goverrnient, and
pledge hini'eit to fupport a particular ineajure., if the
Enghlh legiflature could be induced to relax fome
of thofe fevere, reiliridive laws, which were then
in force., though equal'y prejudicial to the trade, and
true intereft of both kingdoms. Yet, fo inconfillent
was his condufl with his profellions, that he op-
pofed with rancour tvtxy well-concerted fcheme of
the Viceroy's, either for the extention of our com-
merce, or the improvement of the revenues, which
derive their prefent fiourifbin^ ftate from Lord
Townfliend's judicious regulations.
John P — nf — by, Efq; was then Speaker of the
H — fe of C ns. A man, who by the conflid of
faction, and fubiilty of intrigue, joined to fome
fortuitous circumilances, faw himfelf raifed to a
ftation, for which nature and education had totally
difqualified him. His perfonal infignihcance ren-
dered him contemptible, notwithllanding the ex-
orbitant power he long enjoyed : as there was
nothing refpedable in his charadler to excite fear,
he was only defpikd, but never hated. His memo-
ry jull ferveu to -make him recoiled a faying of his
father's, the Earl of Bclb gh, '• that want of
" veracity was an efiVntial ingiedient in the com-
«• pofition of a flatefman." Of all- the Earl's max-
ims, that was the only one he either underftood, or
prattlfed — Dilfimulation, timidity, and Irrefolution,
were the leading princiJes of his politics. His
diffimulation was fo blended with timidity, that it
feemed
The B A T C H E L O R. 243
feenied to arife, rather from r.n appreheiiuon of givinjr
olFence, than a conilitutional weaknefs. 7'his apparent,
tho' fallacious mark of dillindion, flattered thole who
addrelTed him, and was niifconftriied by them into
a mark of refped : by thefe means, fome follov/ers
remained attached to his perfon, 'whom his iniinceiity
would otherwife have eilranged. He had cunning
enough to infinuate, that his irrefolution rather
fprung from a deference to the judgement of others,
than from his own indecifivenefs. There was an
air of fincerity in his folemn profeiTions, fufficient
to deceive thofe who were not thoroughly acquaint-
ed with the duplicity oi his heait. — iVlany were
fecretly pleafed to fee a man at the head of the
Commons, whofe influence and inieretl could com-
mand any favour from government j ard wh/fe
timid fpirit, and fliallow inteiledts,, encouraged them
to extort pioniifes, either by bullying or perfuaiion.
In a country, not quite civilized in the middle of
the la'.l century, hofpitality was more eileemed than
at prefent. Mr. P. was excellently fitted to
fhine in this fphere, and promote the pleafures of
the table, as he v/as both focial and generous. He
was beloved by his companions, tor his converfation
convinced them, that his underftanding was of the
lowert order, and thereby flattered them into a bet-
ter opinion ot their own.
The fervility of the Commons in that age, and
abfoluie fubmiilion to the will of the Speaker, will
fca'rcely be crLdited at prefent ; yet the inflances I
fliall produce are fo well authenticated, that they
mufl: force convitlion on every render. To fl:rike,
and intimidate the Earl of Hertford with an idea of
his unbounded power and influence, he obliged the
obfequious Commons to refjlve, " That an entry,
iVl 2 " iccoidcd
244 The B A T C H E L O R.
« recorded in the journals of the year 1615, ac-
«' knowleging the conllitutional prerogative of the
** crown, and the legal rights of the Deputy and
*« Council, fhould be expunged, as a difgrace to
" parliament." The next day, A'Ir. P. after
having had the honour of a fecret conference with
the Earl, induced that fubfervient aiTeinbly to vote,
*' That the clerk had mirtaken the fenfe and orders
*< of the houfe ;" though it was proved beyond a
pofTibilit', of doubt, that the motion was conceived
in thofe iMords, which were taken down by the clerk
with accuracy and precifion, and repeatedly read to
the whole houfc.
For this fiiamelefs conduct, the Speaker was ap-
plauded by his friends, as they foolilhly fuppofed he
was a confummate politician, by conciliating the
favour of the Vice-roy, and fliewing the implicit
obedience of that fupple Senate, who had disgraced
themfelves to exalt him. By this fhameful tranfa6ti-
on, we may evidently perceive the tergiverfation
and effrontery of an ariftocratic faction, who are
always ready «o ftart any infiJious queftion, to ex-
cite a popular clamour againft government, and then
meanly to retra£t and refcind their own folemn votes
and refolutions, at the beck of their chief. Since
thai dilgraceful sera, the dignity of the commons
hath been lludioufly preferved.
The fecond imlance, by which he proftituted
the honour of the Commons, was, by procuring an
iniquitous a61 of parliament, to protect and enrich
an infamous, difcounting fhopkeeper, whofe crimes
•were oi fo uncommon, and flagitious a nature, that
the laws of his country had not devifed any punifli-
nient for them. Some years after, this man became
a member
The B A T C H E L O R.
^45
a member of that houfe, in whofe journals he is ftill
recorded for every fpecies of meannefs and fraud.
As his pofterity are now peers of tire realm, I do
not choofe to mencion his name, letl it fliould be
voted a breach of privilege. — — — — •
— — Cii'tera dtfunt. — — — Q^
NUMBER XLIII.
Dijfficilis, fncilis, jucunJus, acerhus es ide?n ;
Nee tecum pojjhm z'i'vere, nee fine te.
Martial.
To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq.
SIR,
THINK it will furnidi out a v/hlmfical fpeculati-
on, to confider the various traits wliich peculiarly
diftinguifh his Excellency Lord Sancho ; and alfo
the various difcordant notions which our great mea
have entertained, at different times, about this hete-
roclite being. By thefe means, we may form fuch
an idea of his principles and, politics, as cannot be
fuggelted, cither by panegyrick or inveftive.—^lf
your paper is not fervilely devoted to the courts
you may gain fome credit, by admitting an eflay
v/;itten en this fubje£t, with freedom and impartia-
lity.
On his E.'fccllency's arrival he was, like the refl: of
his predecefTors, complimented, cateffcd and flat-
tered, — Araidft the general felliviry, the p'cafures
M 3 and
246 The B A T C H E L O R.
nnd fr.arci of the taMe were not rieglc(ftecl in thfs
hofpitablo country. S.incho was a hon I'tvant, and
being botli a foldier and a man of wit, v.'as eaiiy
Inbitiiati'd to a jovial life, and Teemed to relifh our
Hi'eipinn mode of afficiatirg claret and politics : —
\Ht; laugVTed and joked, talked with Mr. P. oi
b>mnds and horfes, and entertaitied ibme of li.j
Dublin Societv with a Ii^>ely account of the cultiva-
t'on of N'.v-foik turnips. F(e ufualiy difparched a
ir.eir^ivjjr every week to Rainham for dogs of every
ipccies, fro/fi a fox-hound to a turn-fpit — ihe/e he
prefented to our nobility and gentry, and feeined to
Jiave no other view, than in»proving ihe canine
brctd in thio kingdom. — Mr.'P — nf — by, like a wife
jiiinifter, wns charmed by the diifipated manners
of the Vicerov ; 'fwo e " he was the very man
»« ff-ey wanted, that /A/_y Vv-ou'd do his and the
■" Kinsr'.s br.fnefs, and carry him triuruphantiy
" tiu()U^h tiie feifion."
In the m.="in time, the fprightly Governor's noc-
tuviia! revels ai'.d*^5« mofs, furrifhed entertainment
find converlation to the town ; and it was even con-
fidently reported, that he had made his implicit de-
pendence on the Enghfh miniflry, and his want of
nower, the rubjeft of a fatyrical caracaiure, and had
ada:.lly drawn himfelf in a ludicrous attitude, with
his hands tied behind bis b,ck. Arts h'ke th.fe
ini^ht well deceive the moft fagacious of our politi-
cians, wiihout any impeachment of theTr underftand-
ines, as dnngerous meafures could fcarcely be purfu-
ei-i bv U'.ch a merry Viceroy ; who, like Chailes the
lid. did not affunie the ai s of rovalty one hour in a
month. Hovv'ever, Mr. Wagltaffe, this pleating de-
lufion (iki not laft lo-^g. At the commencement of
the fellion in 1767, the obfcquious, undefigning
Sancho,
The B A T C H E L O R. 247
Sancho, began to talk in a different ftyle. He infor-
med Mr P. as premier^ that he he did not choofe
to be a neminul Lord Lieutenant ; that he would
not fit idly on the box, like the {late coachman,
whilll: others led and governed the hories. This
allulioa Mr. P. perfedly underllood, and it both
furpiized and mortified him. — He was alfo alarm-
ed by Itrange accounts of Sancho's converlation, as a
man of biifmefs j — his knowledge o'i our conlUluticn,
acquaintance wi'.h the policy of the country, and
ftriclures on the fyrtem of jobbing, filled him with
feiious appiehc.iiJr.s.
At this time, his Excellency had neither the fore-
fight nor experience of the Attorney General to
diiefl, nor the copious, perfuafive, and iireliitable
eloquence of the Prime-Serjeant to aflin: Iiim. Both
ihefe gentlemen were then in the oppofiiion ; but
Sancho, who fet a proper value on fuch abilities,
had art and addrefs enough to conciliate their affec-
tions, and make them ever fince his firm fupportcs
and iiiends. — By this conduft, he acquired the cha-
racter of a penetrating and crafty ftatefman. Ills un-
expeftcd digrefllons, and fudden flights of fancy, on
the nioft ferious and important fubjedls, were then
efteemed artful difguifes, to conceal his real fcnli-
ip.ents and intcniloni. — As I defign my obfeivations
merely to enable the candid reader to form fome
jut'gn)ent of this extraord nary perfonage, from au-
ti.ciuic fadls and anecdotes, I pafs over the auginen-
taiioii, pioiogation, and other public ails of his ad-
niiniftration, without either praife or cenfure.
His Excellency's vivacity and volatile difpofition,
furniih a perpetual fund of agreeable entertainment.
— Oije day, the munificence and fplcndor of a Nor-
M 4 ihuuiLcrland;
248 The B A T C H E L O R.
tliumbeiland dazzles us at the Caftle ; — the next,
prefents us a Itriking view of Lord H — rt d's
tarnifhed dignity. Sancho's temper and converfation
are alfo uniformly fitigular, and exadly fuited to his
doineitic cecononij. Wit, and lively pitfturelque ri-
dicule, rometimes cake entire pofreilion of his imagi-
nation : gaiety and beneficent good humour illumi-
nate his countenance, and diffufe over his addrefs
the moH: captivating and amiable graces. — Suddenly
the fccne ch.inges, and nothing is prefented to us
but 2Et. I am aflur-
ed, that he is his own fecretary, and that he often
fits
The B A T G H E L O R. 249
fits up till four or five o'clock fn the morning, wri-
ting difpatches, after ilrolling the Green, arm in arm
with L — d M — It — on, as the town fays, with the
laudable intenlion of picking up a girl.
It is tiovj flirewedly fufpefled, that this perturbed
fpirit intends 10 haunt us five or (w years longer.
The report of a {uccefTor being appointed, is found-
ed on an artful coUufion to difcover the views and
expedations of thofe patriots, who ar&afhamed to
lay themjeli'es open to Sancho. Many of them are
noiu at Paris, offering their fervices, and pouriig out
their complaints to one who affededly feems to pity
them, and promifes to redrefs their grievances. But
let it be remembered, that a moft confidential mini-
fter, the Provolt, is on the fpct, charge des affairesy
and pledged to fupport his old friend Sancho's inte-
reft. To carry on the farce with more plaufibility,
this re'verjlonary Vice-roy has nOi.jnated two or
three aids des camps, and may appoint his whole
family like Lord Biiftol, without any ferious intenti-
ons of coming over. Thefe grand manseuvres are all
preparatory to the feflion of parliament which San-
cho will open next winter, as he h perhaps, determin-
ed to give us the coup de grace, and conclude his ad-^
niinifiration by eUablifliing a Land Tax.
I am, fir, yours,
Dubliriy JulyCih, 1772. SPECULATOR.
M 5 N U M-
250 The BATCH ELOR.
NUMBER XLIV.
Iratus Chremes-, tumido delitigat Ore.
HOR
To Jeoffry VVagstaffe, Efcj.
SI R,
DOCTOR Swift, In his " (Tiort view of the
ihrce of Ireland." includes the non-refidtnce
of a chief governor among the lift of national grie-
vances. — To remedy this, and many other incon-
veniencies, the celebrated Lord Chatham, propofed
a new pol'tical fyilem, v/hich was inilanlly ad.>pted,
and happily brought to perfection by the prei'ent
Lord Lieutenant ; — yet this very nieafure has been
the caufe of all our complaints. The powerful ari-
llociacy wi\ich had folong leigned without controul,
could not be to reiinqiiilh their power : Like pyrates
they iuaviediately huiig out falfe colours, to
deceive the people, and alfemble them under the
fpecious fiandaid of patrioiifrn. — To reftore Inde-
pendance to the Houfe of Commons has been repre-
fenied as a defign toenilve the nation. To at-
tempt governing the kingdom without Lords Ju-fti-
ces, vi'as efteenied high treaiun againft the conrtitu-
tion. The reverence uluaily paid thofe luighty lords,
often made me recollect the cuiloin of leading an
afs into church, and tinging an anthem in his praife ;
yet when Europe bad eiiierged from baibarihn, an
attempt
The SATCIICLOR. 251
attempt to aboliili this ridiculous cutlom occafioned'
manv riots among the bigoited rabble.
The proceedings of the houfe furnifh the ilrongeft
proofs of thefe inveterate prejudices — '1 he nation
is faid to be bankrupt and ruined, finLing under op
prefiion, loaded with taxes, curfed with a venal and
corrupt admin. ftration, who piofufeiy lavilh the public
money in unneceffary expences. An honourable
member who feems to have tuned his voice to the
doleful notes of a paffing bell, lately preached a
prolix funeral fermon over his country. — Ireland
was ruined becaufe — but I learn to imitate the Kil-
kenny orator, who fubftitutes viiulent inventive
and perfonal deformation, for preciilon in argument, •
and candor in debate- — Mr. H — fs — y's attic ele-
gance may apologize for his fatire ; — hut the preme-
ditated joke, the forced conceit, the aukward rail-
lery, are Mr. Flood's peculiariiies, and dilHnguilhi
him as much as dijhrtion, vociiciaiion, and a ■^licious'
pronui.ciation, that would even difgrace the Cice--
ronian fociety. -
After the able ft champions of o/>/i5///£)« had ex- •
hauiled their rhetoric, and exhibiicd tlieir miltaKen
inaccurate caiculaaons to gain the applaufe of the
gallery, they were anfwered by the Prime Serjeant
in a ftyle and manner liiat adds grace to a dry •
and tiref jme fubjeit, and renders it agreeable. The ■
patriots v/ere llicvvn to be weak reafoners and mi-
fcrable financiers, and not in the leaft qualified for a '
feat at either the old or a ne--w board. The inconfitl:-
ency of their arguments was evident. In ;he year
1769 — under Lord Townfliend's adminiftiation, the
trade of the kingdom it feems was anihilated, be- •
cauu: the revenue liad dccteafed j^5g,ono. — Yet. in
1761',
252 The B A T C H E L O R.
1 761 , under the mild, wife, and ccconomical Mr. P —
nl^ — by, a deficiency of j^8 1,000 had fpread no al-
arm. The exports (our only beneficial commerce)
have encreafed ; — yet if we were to credit thefe fage
politicians, the nation was undone, becaufe the trea-
lury was not enriched by duties which arife on our
iniports. 7"here new commercial piinciples are not
to be found in D'Avenant or Petty, the public fpirit-
ed financiers may have picked them up trom Sr.
W — 11 — m M — yne, or — a writing mafter.
Hov/ever, the debates yefterday in the houfe,
proved the legality and expediency of the New
Hoard, beyond a pofiibility of doubt. The Kilken-
ny orator, moved for the following refolution,
" that the Houfe would not allow, any fums applied
to the payment of new Commiflioners of Excife,
but fliould credit the nation with their fallaries."
-The illegallity of this motion was pointed out, as it
was dircdly contrary to a pofitive ad of parliament,
which both empowered the king to appoint a New
Board ; and alfo, provided for the additional ex-
pence. Mr. F. then modejUy withdrew his moti-
on, and candidly apologized for introducing it,
by acknowledging his ignorance of the Excife
Laws ! He then propoied another refolution, which
was only a little deficient in fenfe and grammar :
However, by the aflillance of Mr. Maione's ju-
dicious remarks it was at laft reduced to Englifli,
and fnaped into conntUncy : The purport of it was,
" that the Houfe would refufe their confent to any
alteration in the prefent Excife Laws, which might
carry into efied the divifion of the Board. &c.
Mr. Mafon immediately perceived the abfurdity
of agreeing to fuch a refolution, and to (hew it in
the fliongell light, he ptopofed this amendment,
'• however
The B A T C H E L O R. 253
" however beneficial fuch an alteration might be for
colleftfng the public revenue." In the courfe of
the debate, Mr. F. exhibited his ufual oiatorial
powers : he compared the friends of Government
to a Phalanx, which penetrated like a Wedge
through the loofe ranks of independance. — Meta-
phors, and figurative expreffions, introduced with
elegance and propriety have a peculiar beauty : but
M. F d defpiles fuch puerilities : his inaccura-
cies, his blunders, his millakes are owing to the
fublimity of his genius : He refembles the antient
philofopher who often fell into a ditch, while he
was itudying aftronomy, and contemplating the ftars
— Even Potter's antiquities might teach him to dif-
tinguifh between a Phalanx and a Wedge, and
not ufe thefe terms asjynonimouf, in a finiihed ora-
tion. However, as Mr. F. feems angry at a
fiiendly hint you formerly gave hini, to vary his flu-
dies frrm Demoflhenes to Salmon's grammar, I
I lliall fay no more on the fubjeft.
Sir George Macartney, in a fenfible manly
tone of reafoning, defended the meafures of ad-
miniftratlbn. Mr. F. had aflerted, " that it was
an indignity and infult offered the Houfe, to ap-
point a New Board, in contradidton and defiance of
their * late refolution." Sir George proved, how
inexplicit, indecifive, anu nugatory, this boafted
refolution was. It was entirely retrofpedi^e, and
could not by any conlhudion extend xo ihQ future.
He juftly termed it an iniiendo refolution. It was
neither addrcfTed to the King, or the Lord Lieute-
nant. The Houlc ordered the Speaker to lay It
before his Excellencv, and he toM them he would
tranfmit it to his Majefty ; but at the lame time in.
• That fcvcn CommifTioners had hitherto been fuffii ient,
formed
254 The BATCH ELOR.
formed them, he had received his Majedy's oiders
for dividing the Boards.
Though he gave the Houfe that information,
they ftill hoped the King would recal or cancel ihoic
letters. For it is univerfall}' believed, that the patri-
ots chief objedti'jns were not giounded on the in-
expediency of the uicalure, but arofe fiom ferfon-
al pique and difappointment. They could not
bear to think, that gentlemen, who had fupported
government, and afted wifely, fiiould be diftinguiHi-
ed by their Sovc;cign's favour, when fome of their
leaders had been dilmiffed for folly and ingratitude :
the contraft was too llrong and humiliating.
They alfo had another excellent reafon for oppofing
the prefent arrangement. — As they probably intend
fr.pporting a future adininillration, they meant to
keep the New Board as a referve, to be compofed of
their friends, and therefore can't forgive Lord
Townfhend, for cutting off this dernier rejource.
It is evident to a demonftration, that Mr. P n •
f by's chief aim "/as to eftablifh a new board for
the provifion of his friends. In his virtuous admi-
nilbation, and in the firfl year of his prefent Majcf-
ty's reign, the a»Sl paffer, which has facilitated the
execution of this long projefled Ichcme, Jaticli^
oned by three particular afts of parliament. — The
expence at the utmofl will not exceed 12000I. per
ann. — and the gain to the revenue will probably be
five times as much : for it is well known, that the
inland excife of Ireland is now lefs than it was a
century ago, and yet the people, and confcquently
theconifumptlon, is neatly doubled.
No
The B A T CHE LOR. 255
No one exclaimed Co loudly againft the expence
of the board as the oeconomical Mr. J n •
P nf by. He prophefiedh would occafion a
land tax, (which he has takerf care his tenants mufl:
pay) and alfo, that the meafure itfclfwas imprac-
ticab'e, without a new claufe in the aft. — It is real>-
Iv pleafant to obferve this gentleman in his
new character of an osconomift — The man who
had for fo many years loaded the country with un-
neffary fine -cures. — He who had fwelled the charg-
es of the revenue in incidents and fallaries, from
69,651! 15s. 2d. to 114,714!. 4s. 3d. annually. —
This infidious management of the revenue rendcrt-d
government dependent on the Irifi ariftocracy : con-
fequently the patriotic proftitution of it, became
a fundamental maxim in their politics. New taxes
were levied on the people to fupply the deficiency j
and the odium was thown on government, by theie
tonfcientious gentlemen.
When Mr. P — nf — oy precided at the Board,
Capt. Mercer was permitted to build as many boats
as he pleafed. He built one, called the HIbernia,
for Mr. Glovev. Her outfet coil: 4000). Her an-
nual expence was 6000I. though fne never made a
capture. When Mr, Beresford, and fir W. Oflborne,
were appointed Comuiiilioners, they thought it their
dudy, to enquire into the matter. They found fi e
was totally unfit for any puipofe. To make an ex-
periment, however, they ordered her to block up
the port of Ruih ; flie did fo ; at low water, the
fui«gg!ers all failed out, the Hibernia was lying dry,
and could noi float 'till high water. CaptainM — 1 — er,
on being examined, was obliged to give in a report
in writing, that flie v/as unferviccable. Here was a
dead
25<5 The B A T C H E L O R.
dead expence of 4000I, incurred at firft, befides
6000I. per annum; which is above half the fum,
ihe new board can poilibly coft. 7'his is only one
example of Mr. P nf -by's cecononiy.
The lafl: motion propofcd in the H — fe, could
only proceed from a head ftoied with fuch trum-
pery ideas, as Mr. B — ry B — ry's. " That the
" Coinmiirioneri; of the Excife, fhould be fufpend-
*' ed from their fundtions in parliament." This
motion was treated with cold contempt. Mr. Buflie's
arguments on the fubje£t, were mafterly, fpi-
ritted, and ingenious. This Mr. Wagftaffe, was
the latl effort of Mr. P. and an expiring fadion ;
of a faction whofe laft efforts againft the eftablilh-
ment of a new board, may be compared to the
eonvulfive ftruggles of a hcadlefs fly, that feems
for a moment to acquire llrength from the very
wound that deftroys it.
Yours, &c.
February 15th 1772. SENATOR.
N U M-
The BATCH EL OR. 257
NUMBER XLV.
Extremum nutem prteceptum in beneficiis-, operaque
dandn eji, ne quid contra cequitatem contendasy tie
quid per injuriam. Fundamentum enim perpetute^
commendationisf et faviise efi jujlitia, ftne qua nihil
poteji ejje laudabile.
Cicero de OfficIIs.
To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. .
SIR,
PLINY defcribes a fpecies of men with heads
like dogs, who barked inftead of fpeaking j I
fancy our complaining patriots are lineally defcended
from thofe monflers. The dull declaimers in the
Freeman, without either precifion in their argu-
ments, truth in their aiTertions, or anv knowledge of
the fiibjecl they write on, ftill continue to pour out
illiberal inve£i.ives on our Chief Governor ; though,
a moment's reflection might convince them, that the
prefent deficiency in the revenue principally origi-
nated from the management of that able financier,
and incorrupt patriot, Mr. P. '
The late Sir Richard Cox conftantly aflerted, and
proved by the mofl: accurate calculation, that Mr.
P — nP — by's election to the chair, and fupporting
liim in it, coft the nation one million fterling. Sir
Richard formed his eftimate by the feveral parlia-
mentary grants for different jobs, including the pen-
fions
258 The B A T C H E L O R.
fions birftcwed by government on Mr. P — nf — by's
friends, from the year 1754. when Lord H — (b — gh
was appoirued Lord Jujlke, to the year 1764, vhen
A-lr. P. vainly imagiritd himfelf firmly eftablillied
by \\iz family compad. — In the year 1765, he be-
came chief contraftor for doi:!g what was called the
King's bufinefs, that is, procuring the iilual fupplies
eJJ^ntiu'ly nquifite to the fupport and defence of the
kingd'jin f'or thus gracioiifly condefcending to
leive his country, he enjoyed the invaluable privi-
lege of conducing every job in the Houfe o Com-
mons, and of lavifliing the public revenue, to influ-
ence and carry on elections in the country. Such
were the grand obje6ls of Mr. P — nf — by's admini-
ftration, when he prefiJed in the houle, and at the
board.
The expence of the revenue eftabliniment annu-
ally increafed, from 69,658!. 15s z\\., 'till in the
year 1769 it amounted to 117,7141. 4s 2|d. By
this means Mr. P. became intoxicated with pov/er,
and fought government, (as Broghill exprefl-
es it) " in its own armour, and with its own wea-
*' pons, at the head of his revenue legion of collec-
" tors, furveyors, tide-waiters, fearchers, packers,
" guagers."
If we examine his mniniiterial conduft, we (hall
find, that infcead of providing for the exigencies ot
government, by judicious and equitable taxes, he
loaded the nation with a debt of 581,96-il. 33- c^iJ.
either through inattention or defign ; and luffered
the very laws, on which the colleftion of the reve-
nue immediately depended, to be explained away
by the fubtle diilinaion of lawyers, and the quirks
of fmugglers, agents, and folicicors. — Tj Mr. P.
We
The B A T C H E L O R. 259
We are obliged for the a£l of parliament to explain
pan of the 14th and i5ih of Charles II. by which
the revenue has been diininiilird 86,151!- yearley. —
Not content with this, morejobs was accompliftied
by his unbounded power in the Houfe of Commons
to compleat the defalcation.
Vv'hen the Lord Lieutenant's fivmnefs had render-
ed the leaders of fadion contemptible, and baffled
everv effort either to cajole or intimidate higf) : w hen
Mr. P. found himfelf diappoin'.ed in all his merce-
nary fchemes, he at lafl refigned the chair. L=ke an
afs (lung by a hornet, he had fmarted by the councils
of the jttl kenny orator, and was glad to eicape trom
him.
Government, now freed from a difgraceful fub-
jeftion to ftate contactors, is in the condition of a
perfon, who on caning to age, difcovers the frauds
of a knavifh guardian : this will appear evident by the
foilovv'ing llate of the revenue.
Deficiency occafioned by the explaratory
ad cf the 5ih of George III. — X^^''?^ o 4
By fix-pence per gallon, draw-back on
rum landed in England — a bounty e-
qiially prejudicial to both kingdoms,
as it encourages fmuggling on their
coafls. — 64,613 7 o
By an alteration in the excife gallon, — 20,000 o o
L 170,764 7 4
In
26o The BATCHELOR.
In Auguft 1744 Mr. P."|
was appointed Com- j
minioner : In that f
year, which ended >';4>092 2 zf
at I-ady-Day 1 745,
the revenue eftabli/h- |
nient amounted to j
Which in the year end-
ing Lady- Day 1/59' J> 83,259 '4 It
was
i 83-
Increafed charge — 291167 U 11
Incidents.
Year ending Lady-day
1744. _ 15,566 13 o
Year ending Lady-day
1769, 31454 'o i|
Increafed 'charge in incidents 15,887 17 il
£ 45-055' 9 ci
• Mr. P. thus appropriated the funi of 4 5.0 5 5 1,
for the maintenance of his -civil lijl. T he oificers
of the revenue, inftead of minding their duty, em-
ployed -themfelves in eleftion-jobbing, as the mod
effeftual recommendation to their patron. — A total
relaxation of difcipline took place among Mr. P.'s
troops. — Co!!e6lors might embezzle his Majelly's
calli, and even fend up falfe returns for their re-
ceipts, to apologize for not anfvvering an acquit-
tance.—
The B A T C H ^ L O R, 261
tance.— It' they could infiue. l,:: .: burgejj,.Ot com-
maoa two or three vor.es, they were erteemed excel-
lent officers, and received the thanks of the fiifi:
Commiffioner.
Nothiiig can be more ahfurd than to fee a fet of
men affeding to be patriots ^v exdaiining ..i/ainft
every thing that tends to ii; cove the revenue.
They muft kn,:w t'lat they ultimately diilieis their
country by this conduct; the civi! find military 'ift
inufl: be kept up for the fake of the Vvhole ; niid
fome gratifications are neceifary, not only as re-
wards to merit, but to al'-jviiT.- the misfortunes of
families fallen from their rai-k and affluence, ^,'ho
would olherwife be reduced to obfcurity and indi-
gence.
The greater!: infult, and 'nde?d innpofition on the
public, is, to fee thofe who already enjoy prefer-
ment, and thofe who expetSt it, diibeliing their
country by an atfcClation ol virtue — the' they bran-
difh ihe fword of oppofuion wiih one hand, the fup-
plicating palm of the other is extended ; like the
fftiritual tyc oi 2i Swadling preacher, up lifted to
Heaven in a tervour of devotion, whilft the carnal
one is call down, to count th- Hjillings, and compute
the godly gains extorted from a deluded audience.
Whoever examines the per.fion llil, will find that
no families have loaded rhdr country fo unmercei-
fully as our prefent bawling patriots. They even
obtained penfionary favours tor jf^/ri that the preju-
dice ihey had done their country might not ceafe
with their lives, arjd thar thc}- might fhtv their in-
gratitude to governmeiii without injuring ihemlelves.
The
262 The B A T C H E L O R.
The public caugVit with the mere found of their
prefent profeHions, do not fee that the national re-
venues have been mortgaged, and ave likely to be
again mortgaged, to fupp!y the infatiable demand
of ihofe painoered patriots on a fecond conveifion.
This wc may expctl, whenever their own noife, and
the public credulity, fliall raife them to fufficient
confequence.
V E C T I G A L.
June 25th. I 771.
N U M ^3 E R XLVI.
PATRIOTISM. Jn Ode.
I.
WHEN generous Greece, in virtue bold,
Difdaiiied the Peifian power and gold,
She formed a facred band ;
Philofophy, her foldiers chavm'd,
In freedom's caufe her heroes arm'd,
,^ To (hield their native land.
II.
Not fuch the zealots of our days,
Who cringe for hire, revile or praife,
And yet for patriots paik I
So -the falfe PrufEan clips and colns^
From Dantzig's fterling gold purloins,
Then circulates his brafs !
III.
The B A T C H £ L O R. 265
III.
W'aat mnfe car. fing that changelings nicks,
Renown'd ior (hallow politics ?
Pledg'd both to ''oe and friend :
Yet he can lead he venal throng.
With pron'.ifes entic'd along.
On which ihe dupes depend !
IV.
Thus, a mean quack by chyinic oils,
Norv/egia's hungry vermin foiis.
Without the aid or cheefe ;
The [cent alone attrafts theiu round.
They feem to tread on magic ground,
And truft the infidious breeze.
V.
Thy rhetoric, Fl — d, can I rehearfe.
And paint dillortion in my verfe.
Of tumid periods fcan ?
You foar aloft in bombaft phrafe,
Whihl Ch — le — nt with aukward gaze,
Admires the wonderous man.
VI-
Thy aim, to tire, retard, perplex.
By ca'umny to (lain- or vex,
Uugratetully upbraiding ;
On your old frit^nds to fling difgrace,
For without penfion, or a place.
You're Satan viewing Eden.
VJ.
264 ^'he BATCHELOR.
VII.
With jaundic'd envy deeply fmit,
Like Hutchinfon, you'd fhine in wit,
But fli'gglfli fancy halts ;
Flat, when you change your ul'ual key ;
So niids arifing from the fea,
Evaporate their falts.
VIII.
See G rid ne fequeftered, dull,
Of his high lineage vainly full,
And buoyed with empty pride :
A Satrap, fit iox Jiars and ilate.
As Mordeccai, raifed frotn the gate,
In royal pomp to ride.
IX.
In corporation trappings gay,
The M fs fuie deferves my lay,
And claims diftinguifhed place .
He'll ne'er eclipfe a father's famCf
In wit and worth fo much the fame,
We fcarce fhall mifs his grace.
X.
Heavens ! how reduced that antient line,
Who in Hibeinia's annals (hine,
Renown'd at Brefny's t":c!d ;
Vv'hen Raymond led the gallant train.
And awe-ftruck Aldem, viewed the plain,
Blaze with the kindered fiiield !*
» Vide Liitleton'b hillory, vol. 3. page z8o
XI.
The B A T C H E L O R. 26«
xr.
Can the degenerate fons afpire,
To emulate their noble lire,
Intrepid, great, and free ?
They boaft: a Raymond's blood indeed !
So the cart xzzqx, fallen in fpeed,
Is puff'd by pedigree.
XII.
See patriot landlords thin the foil.
Forgetful of the bloody toil,
Which made a tyrant bow :
Ulfter, both James and Lewis braved ,'
That land the father's valour faved,
The fun's forbid to plough,
XIII.
Shall induftry opprelfion fetl.
And throw afide her bufy wheel.
To feek Ofwego's gloom ?
Kis cot and babes the weaver flies,
No more the pointed (huttle plys,
Tho' Britain bribes our loom !
XIV.
Where ariflocracy prevails,
juftice refi^ns her ballanc'd fcales.
And fhuns the haled fhore ;
'Till one bold fpirit breaks the chain.
He blafts the venal junto's reign,
And tyranny's no more.
i'^ - XV.
a66 The B x\ T C H E L O R.
XV.
Hence, liberty's difFufed around,
Eletlors caich his jovous found :
*' Let vile depend.^:;ce ceafe ;
<* On change ot ftn.rea iieedom waits,
y When mtnibers hold their purchcis'd feats,
*' Short as their tenants /eafe."
XVI.
Jobbers no more our trcafures \vafte>
No more each petty rvrant's taflie,
Can ufeful proji;ds fniothjr :
In vain the anxious llatefman toil'd,
•—The hay-rope's end in vain we coil'd,
While afles nip'd the other.
XVII.
Already, commerce waits the gale,
From the new world expands her (ail,
To make our ports her boaft.'
The Englifh merchant jealous fees
Our ftreamers catch the weftern breexe,
Nor touch Britannia's coall .'
xviir.
Thefe bounties ToA-nfliend's hand bedowe^,
To whom capricious Albion r.wts,
Her peafant:> train'd to fight ;
For he beheld with juft dililain,
Importei. GeriDans crowd her plain,
To guard a Briton's right !
XIX.
The B A T C H E L OR. 267
XIX.
l.et faftion roar, and patriots rail.
Their venoin'd arrows may aflail.
But never wound his bieatl :
Unnoticed, dull inveftive lyes,
A mere Ephemeron it dyes,
Or but provokes a jeft.
XX.
The Ephori thus indignant fmil'd,
When drunken Chians has denl'd
The magifterial chair j
Thro' fober Sparta they proclaim,
♦' That men ber.-ft of fenfe and (hame
" Were iafe, and guiltlefs there."
Q
N U M B E R XL VII.
Ut pidura pocfls.
HoR.
7o Jeoffry Wagstafpe, Efq.
SI R,
LAST night I happened to call on a ccrta'n
great man not far from the Callle, and bt-iig
introduced into a room to wait till he was at kiruce
to f^e me, I amufed n^/felf by looking eve"' Unu3
books and papers which I Tjund ic.iilertd ,'bo>: -oa
N 2 .1 green
16% The B A T C H E L O R.
a green table. In turning over the lutter, I found
thQ notes which 1 fend you : the)' Ibcm to be wrote
in hafte, and in fonie places are fcarce legible ;
but 'lis plain they are intended as flietches of dcligns,
v/hich are to be filled up at leifure. — Taey put me
in mind of that anecdote which is recorded of the
Roman Emperor, in whofe clofet (after his death)
was found a lill of fenators, and other obnoxious
perfons, with marks to each name, as memoranda
of the time and manner in which they were to be
executed At firft T hud fome little fcruplc ab to the
propriety of publilhing 9 paper, of which I got pof-
fefiion by the means 1 have mentioned, without the
confent or knowledge of the owner ; but on con-
fidering the manner in which the great peifon's name
and charaQer is every day treated in the public
papers, 1 find he is not intitled to ihc benefit of
thofe laws and principles, by which ether members
of the community are protetted ; and no dealing
can be unfair with an highwayman, or a Lord
Lieutenant.
And am, fir, yours, Src,
R. G.
1. Mr. F. in the habit of a kettle-drummer,
riding on Mr P. in the fiiape of an afs.
2. Mr. F. mounted on the box, driving a ftage-
coach, with Mr. P— nf— by in the cradle.
-i. The D. of L. in his robes, examining the
ducal coronets painted on his bomb-carts and wheel-
banowb.
.. D r
The B A T C II E L O R. 269
4. D r C- ts, with a horn-book in his
lund, teaching his noble colleague the M. of K.
his Ic'aers.
5. C — n — r F — z — ns, Tn the drcfj of a mendi-
cant, i'ryar, preaching a funeral feniion.
6. C — n — r H — ! — n, in the charaiSter of a fex^-
ton, tolliii^^ a muflliid bell.
7. Mr. B-rch with a pair of fcalcs inhis hand,
weighing the reiolurion of the Coinir.ons in the.
year 1754» agalntl a bank-note of five pounds.
8. W ~ B gh, Efq; in the chara6ler
of the execuli'ner who cut off K. Charles's
head.
g. B — ry M — x — 11, Efq; (in the chara6ler of
Dennoflhenes) rehearfing his fpeech, with a hot po-^
tatoe in his mouth, inllead of pebbles.
lo. D — n — s D !y, Efq; in the chara£ler of
Milcon'.^ cherub, rebuking S.\tan.
It. Right hon. Antony Malone, Efq; holding
up the lullre in the Houfe of Commons.
\2- Apollo and the Gracer,, prefenting the
Fiir,;e Serjeant with a ne-w edition of Coke upon
Littleton, and the statutes at large.
13. His Excellency Lord TownHiend in the
character of a Legiflator, cfT- ring the Oflennia! and
Abfentee-biils, a bounty on Iiiih linen, &c. &c.
N 3 to
270 The B A T C H E L O R.
to the people, — ivho Jet up the IriJJj cry.
14. Cnunfellor Scott with Blackftone in one
hard, and Congrcve in the other. — Tlic back ground
of the picture exhibits a perfpcdive view of DoQor
Achnicl's baths.
15. Mr. P — r— y in his rohe"5, feated In (he
fpeaker's chnir, and Mr. P — nf — by in the chara^ler
of a door-keeper.
1-5 G — n — ! G — fl) — ne in the charaiFler of a
Rot!!3n coiiful, harranguing his army before an en-
gage me ijt
1 7. -Sir K-- — re B — r — ws in the ch.tra(Sler of
'Squire Boohy-i marrying Pamela.
18. Tiie h.r«; jf H. L. R -y, Efq; painted
at the rcqueil of the" Kirk of Scotland, as a fron-
tifpiece to the Laiiicnti.a'jns of Jertniiah the Pro-
phet.
10. S"r J ■£ C -Id — 11 with a bee-hive on
bis bcati fmging the ballaCt of the Poor Blind Boy to
the Dublin Society.
20. Lord M — ng — n> fetting the Ode on Lord
B — m — t's inftal!ation, 10 cufic.
21. Sir W — 11 — ;n T • ne, throwing a box
of Scotch fn'jit into t'e lord mayor and aldermen's
eyes, juft as they are go;.;g to fign bis city leafe.
22. Sir
The B A TC HELOR. 271
22. Sir L- '"«« s O'B n in the charatSter of
S'lenus, hung mund with leaden pints, qua-t , and
ne'w excife gallons, aftiide en a bee:- barrel, diinking
fuccefs to the King's revenue in taplafli.
23. L. V. M — nt — s, delivering to his bookreHer
Cicero de Oiatore, and the laft trealile on oulloas,
to be bound together.
24- Lord B s, expounding the church cate-
chifm to his family, and fcratchijig out the eighth,
commandment.
25. An emblematical figure of Mr. P- by's
profejjed moderation, exhibited in the pv;U;ait ,of
C — V- — 1 M re,waiiirg at the uoo ^: the II — (e
of C ns, (in a f.rait ivaijicoa!) lo g''--^ .
vote, but prevented by his keeper.
26- Fryar John, in the character ^f
facrificing little J — if — s, his fon-i;. 'avi ,
of popularity, v/iih an angei ivii-.
knife, and pointing n a Lufh ii'
bi/liop is entangled.
27. The ^ame, in the chu
Bru'ius, conc'citr'ins i^is Ion tv tit r .
before tae CACCuJ'^n.
28. Lord I. 1 dan:'n
praCV.fiDg to VviCpa. '.'u
a while hanukciChc; :•
29- J ^'^-R-l'
licking "ly L — do .., ..i..
N A
272 The B A T C II E L O R.
30. Lord S n dircfliiig his followers to vot
agiiinft penfions, and figning a receipt tor the arrears
of his own, due the day that Jeremiah Dyfon's was
lb uck off.
31. The rev. Dr. B -ws, explaining the
revelation of St. John to his pupil, and ftealing the
Woman of Plealure into the pocket of the young
gentleman's fifter.
32. His Excellency L— d T d on the hill
of Howth, caracaturing Sir W. M — ne, and his patii-
utic band, on their return to England, auiidll the
groans of a defponding city.
33. A portrait of L — d H th, prefenting an
oyfter, to his Excellency, to confole him in the gene-
ral calamity.
34. Mr. F d, giving a clyfter of calve's
head foup to A. R in, Efq; to enable him to fit
cut a long debate in the H. of C ns : the E. of
C 1, Sir E. N m, and Sir L. O'B n,
in the back ground, waiting to kifs him after the
operation.
Y. Z.
N U IvI-
The B A T C H E L O R. 273
N U M B E R XLVIII.
Extrad of a letter from Slocktolni, fune 30.
A feiv days ago a 'very extraordhuiry occurence hap-
pened here. A Firdandman brought a Jhif load of
ivood to [til in this caf itol ; and a difpute arifmg
het-iijeen him and one of the foldiers upon guard, in
i'-bich the latter thi~eatened violence, and uttered
the hitterefl execrations-, the Finlandman, flily ta-
king an herb out of his pouch, rubbed it in a 'violent
manner ouer the jatvs and mouth of the foldier,
ivho thereupon ivas inftantly flrucken dumb. The
affair came before a civil court of judicature. The
court not deeming this 'violent, though natural jnode
of doing rjne\^ ftlf jufiice, and not firidly juflifiahle,
iVere going io pafs fentence on him j but the Fin-
landman begged he might be heard a feiv ivords.
This requfl being granted, the honefl Finlaridman -
replied, that, had he totally depri'ved the foldier of
his ufe of fpeech, he luould not pretend to jufify
his cujn conduH, but as the herb luhich he had
made ufe of, occaftoned only a tomporary depri-vati~
on of fpeech, and the poiver of that herb mioht be :
counteracled in half a minuted time-, by the applica-
tion of another herb, 'which he had then in his pockety
he hoped the judges 'would releafe him, on comlition ■
of his reforing the foldier to the ufe of his fpeech,.
This reijueli being alfo granted, the Finlandfnan ap-
plied the antidotal herb to the foldier'' s mouth, and
the duriik man infantly recovered his fpeech.
Froin tl:e E n g t.. 1 s h P a ;• 7 r s;
N c
•274 The B A T C H E L O R.
7o Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq.
SI R,
I A M reduced to the cruel neceffity of addrcfllng
inyielf to you, Mr. Wagftaffe, on a moll: impor-
tant fuhj:-£t, as the Conuivitee of the Free-prefs
have deferted the caufe of liberty and their country,
itnd inftead of fcourgin^ran arbitrary Vice-Roy, and
his venal dependents, frighten the tender-hearted la-
dies into fits by their tremendous rod. LallTuefday,
a Cabinet Council was held um!er a pretence of
ilTuin^a proclamation obliging all (l.ips f.omRuflia to
perform quaraniine, but the true intent oi that ca-
bal was to ftrike at the 'very •vitals of our conjiitution
by a dire£l attack on the freedom of — Speech ! The
cruel and tyranical Sancho, not content with fapping
the foundation of liberty by his two odious boards
of Excife and Accounts, has deviled a fcheme to
render parliaments ufelefs ; and to luin and impove-
rifli this unfoitunate country, without either a uni-
on or land tax. — Yes, Mr Wagilaffe, with tears I
inform you, that a fpecial meffenger is difpatced for
the Dfilecarlian peajunt ; thofe two public defaul-
ters, Mr. CI nts and Sir H y C — vd — ft,
notwilhilanding the etnptinefs of the treafury, have
found means to furnifn io,oool. to bribe the North-
ern Goth to import a large quantity of his benumb-
ing herb agaii.ll: the opening of the next fellion. The
houfe will be furrou;idcd with foldiers as it was the
26th of February 1770, and Sawney Cunlgambo
the S/thlan, has already received a commillion, un-
der the preat Leal, commanding and authorizing him
to rub the mouth of every patriot, the moment he
fays A diirefpeaful wcid of adminiitiation — Me-
thinks,
The B A T C II E L O R. 275
thinks, I now fee our generous patriots tbuggling ia
the hands of a raw-boned Scot, aiid making as ma-
ny wry faces, as poor Gulliver in Biobdignag, when
he was crammed by the Monkey. To prevent all
oppofiiion, Sir Richrd Johnfton, who has figna-
lized himfelf by fupprelling thofe fons of fieedom,
the Hearts of Steel, is to attend at the bar of the
houfe with a chofen party of light infantry to affifl:
Cunigambo on the leaft lefil^ance.
Let me peifuade you, my deareft coimtrymen, at
this critical juncture, to form a fpirlted affociaiioa
to preferve us from flavery and opprcjhon. To
roufe your flumbering virtue, 1 (hall paint to your
imaginations foiue of our moft celebiaied patriots
actually fuffering under the facrllegious han J;; of the
barbarous Scot -^ — het us tlen fuopofe Ai.. /" d
addrcHlng the houfe in thi- fublime llr 't of elo-
quence, '* / "luiU difpel e'very fljade of darknefs hy
"• an inundation of light. The namelefi vermin tnat
" court funfhine quickens in the flime of 'veralily
•' (hall t'.embie. They will foon find that tiie fune
" influence, which produced, will deftroy them ;
" when the moiilure of that dirt in which they
" crawl, ia a iitt'e farther exhaled, they find it
*' ftiffenirg about them: They will firft be depriv-
**- ed of motion, then of life, ^nd the next gale will
" fweep theui away with the dull in whicn they
♦' perli'hed." \_Fide Irijh pnrliaJtientary. debates,
vol. iH- p- 35 ]
Here, Sir, he wil' beinterrnpted, (and on the At-
torney General's giving a lignal) deiiverea over to the-
hands of the executioner. — See the fatal herb rub-
bed on his lip — he tremUles" — turns paJe — ^ahio '. r
■KilVei.ny C.m(.llhe;ei is dui-:'^-— Yet ^iH 'v.-
h^uvliUV ar-kl ui\;nii.c'-:. liuifjii (;£ , ;v
276 The B ATCHELOR.
jng faces at them., for lie is yet mafter of that figure
ot rhetoric, and like the taylor's wife on the duck-
ing ftooll, is fatirical by his geflures, thou;:;h depriv-
ed of the power of fpeech. — In agonies of defpair I
fee him gently carried out of the houfe, by his two
faithful friends, the M fs "of K e and Mr.
H y.
, Obferve that veteran patriot, J — n F — tz ns,
interrupted in the midlt of his harangue, whilfl; he
thus expatiates on the grievances of his countiy.
'* Here, Sir, I have made it evident, that if tliere
" fliould be an excelllve drain of our current fpe-
*' cie, there will be a fcarcity of cafh — add now,
"■ Sir, if there is a fcarcity of gold — this in its
<' confequence will occafion a fcarcity of filver —
" and if this fhould happen — there will be an
" interruption of trade. — Now, Sir, — by an inter-
" ruplion of trade — the circulation of cafh will be"
" checked. — And here. Sir, — the manufailurer
*' and tradefiiian will be difttefTcd — becaufe it will
" be impolhble to find , employment for thein, if
*' there is no demand for manufadures. — And no
" money 10 purchafe them — there can be none
*' fold. — Herc> Sir, we are at prefent reduced to
" this fituation by the oppreihve and unconllituiio-
•* nal meafures of government." — But alas ! Old
Tifdalowitz gives the latal figr.al — the poyfon is
applied — and Father John is conveyed off, crojjing
himfelf, in the arms of Meffrs. R — w y and
LeH te.
Whilft Sir L s O'B — n is pointing his faceti-
ous farcafms at the court, his lips will be clofed. — ■
Some venal placemen recommend a good underflund-
ing ttiween G.eat Biliain and I.e!and, which the
^>ilty baronet will aarvver in tbefe word.— " Sir, I
am
The B ATC HEL OR. 277
** am furprized, to hear that honourable gentleman
" recommend a good under Jinndifig between the
*' two ki;igdoms — Sir, I fay there is no foundati-
*' on for a good under-fJanding between them —
*' for, fir, the fea is Letiveen them. He, he, he, —
" and therefore there cannot be a good iinder-jland-
" /;?_g between them. He, he, he."* The po-
litical conjuror waves his wand, Cunigambo ap-
proaches. Perhaps C — nf — r S — tt may move for an
arreft of judgment, by fhewlng the innocency and
milkinefs of the baronet's fatire : — But Black Phil,
is inexoiab'e ; and this remnant of Irifh royalty 13
carried off" (fimpering at his own joke) in the arms
of iVIeir. O'H a and F tzg d.
Again, Mr. WagftatFe, let us contemplate little
Will. B — gh, acquainting the houfe in a fpirited ha-
rangue, " That after infinite pains and labour, he
" had difcovered that the identical Oliver Plunket,
*' Prelbiterian teacher, and one of the Committee
" of the Free-Prefs, was lineally defcended from
•' the executioner who beheaded that tyrant Char-
" les the Ift. and therefore, as a reward for that
" fuhjiantial a£l of jujlice, performed by Plunket's
" glorious anceflor, he moved the houfe that they
" might addrefs his Excellency to create him&Bi-
" fhop, as foon as the rev. Mr. Carr, their chaplain,
" was provided for." — Inftantly the wand is waved,
— Cunigambo approaches cautioufly, — Sir Richard
marches from the bar with his myrmidons, and, after
a defpeiate refiftance, little Will, fubmits to his fate,
and is carried off by Mr. C — m — r and B y
M— X— 11.
• This was the Knight of Clare's wit, at the Lord-May-
or's table, when the toalt was — a good underflanding between
G. Britain and Ireland.
Eut
278 The B A T C H E L O R.
But let us, with the deepefl affli£tion, reflect on the
cruel treatment Mr. P — nf — by receives, even when
he apologizes for the arbitrary conduft of the Vice-
roy. •' For my part, fir, and upon my honour, an
" aflertion, fir, which Is facred to me, and which
" I never forfeited on any occafion, I have the
" greateft perlunal eflecm for his Excellency the
*' Lord Lieutenant. — Sir, I am not prejudiced againft
** government — I am always inclined to ferve it —
" nothing but the good of my country could make
*' me oppofe his Majell:y's meafures — to whom I
•' and my family confefs their obligntions. Sir,
*' though the Lord Lieutenant has come from a
*' country which produced a race of tyrants, for,
** as I am informed, William the Conqueror came
*' from Norfolk, yet I am perfuaded he never meant
*' to prejudice this country. I have heard, and up-
*' on my honour I believe it, that he kept as good
*' a pack of fox-hcirnds as any in England, and
*' always rode fair — excellent quali.fications for a po-
*' litician ! — I fpeak from experience, fir, and with-
*' out partiality or afFcction. Though I have been dif-
*' miffed from my employments for my fincerity and
*• plain dealing, yet 1 lolemnly acquit Lord T nd
♦* of all aft or part therein ; however, fir, the np-
** probation of my confcience is a better rev. ard
*' than place, title, or penfion, which I am tlcter-
" mined never to accept of. I always atted with the
*' grtf.teu. cecononiy and integrity, and made the ho-
'* neft management and encreafe of the revenue my
*' principal lludy. — As Speaker, my impartiality in
" the chair, efpecially in all contcfted eledions, is
'* fo notorious, that I appeal to that right hon,
*' fervant of the crown, Mr. Attorney Gcncia! ; let
" him (late my conduct on the Ardee eleftioiv, ?nd
♦' that Ci the county o. Gilv.'a)." — ■- — •.A1.^^ fu •
'Ihe B A T C H E L O R. 279
in fiead of ananfwer, the ftate inquifitor rifes, de-
livers /jm over to the fecular arm, and honeft Jack
p_nr_y is carried off by Mr. B ch and Mr.
T — n — m.
The faculties of that confumate orator and fteady
patiot fir E d N m, may be tor-
pedoed by th!S wicked weed, before he has half
delivered the following abftrad of his fenrinier.ts.
«* The time, fir, is now come, when it is the duty
*♦ ul every man to fpeah out for the public ; corrup-
*' tion and venility have pervaded evciy part of the
♦' conftitution, and it has at laR reached even to the
'• membeis of this auguil affembly. How difFeient,
*' fir, is this affembiy now, from what it was in the
♦' time when my friend and adniirer Mr. P- — y
*' governed it, or from the parliament men of antient
*' Rome and Greece, when the tyrant Brennus
** trembled at their inexorable countenances giving
*' judgment in the forum, when they expeded to
♦* have their throats cut by the invading tjrants of
«* their liberty, and their facied aras and deareft
" focufefs. 'Tis not his facred majefty we are to
*' blame for it, but his wicked repiefentative. That
*' reprefentative, fir, if he ha.s but the king's com-
" mands, and the law of his fide, will conrtitutea
«* Board of more CommiiTioners than ever we
•• thought of, if the members of this Houfe won't
«< do the public bufmefs v/ithout it : For does it not
«« appear, that he dares to do any thing .'' Has he
" not dared to turn me out of my office, though
. ** I purchafed it with money which was moic dear
*' to me as a patriot, becaufe 1 had no right to it ?
" I will venture to fay, fir, that he is more degene-
" rate and dangerous to Ireland, than ilxtfoiiyfve
" Spartan tyrants v/e read of in antient hiltory. Be-
" fore I loft rry place, no man could t;II what I
*' iii.ivat
28o The B A T C n E L O R.
" meant by oppofing government ; but how could it
" be doubteii, that i meant to have my office giv-
" en to another, when I fo loudly and repeatedly
*' laid in full p 1, it was a paltry office, that I
*' did not vvilue it of the dirt under my feet, and that
" I dclied the crown to deprive me of it. Suppof-
" ing, fir, that I afked, before 1 fpokc, all my ac-
" quointance who I thought were in the fccrets of
" the caClle, whether if I oppofed ftrongly, L — d
*' T d would get a body turned out for it ; did
•' 1 not (hew the circunifpedion of an o'^ior,
" without which, that old Roman, Plutarch, fays,
" that an orator is no more than figs upon a trench'-*
" er, or my breech in a band box. But, fir, though
" the crown has loft a revenue officer, the public
*' and my friends at Kiimainham, fhall not lofe an
♦', aftive and intrepid juftice of peace. I am ftill
" ready to ride at the head of the troop?, if the mob
" throw down the walls of the governor's fields at
" thehofpital, and General Dilkes may again fleep
" in peace, and without fear from the danger. If
" Jack the Batchelor was not dead, I'd offer to go
" againft him, and dellroy that finuggler, as Pompey
♦' did the pirates. If 1 am fent for to the North,
" I'll head the forces under Col. Patterfon, as I once
•' offered to coiiiiuand the corps of Drogheda on
♦* that defperate fervice ; 1 will write another epi-
" gram with notes more pungent than the- former,
" againft Mr. S — n. Col. F — r, and Capt. j — ph-
" — n. I will publifh it again in the Hibernian
♦' Journal, and if what I fay againft them is not be-
•« lieved by the reader, I will make oath before iny-
" felf, of the truth, as I did once of my having Vam
*' in my hand, when fonie incredulous ladies feeni-
" ed to doubt my veracity. Tbefe, fir, are my
«< merits, and my reward is greater than my fufter-
" ires J for every traveller on the road to Munftcr,
The B A T C HELOR. 2S1
*' fhall read my name in conjuntElton with that glo-
*' rious word liberty at Kihnainham ; my health fhali
" be the laft that Ihall be drunk within fight of
" our flourifhing metropolis, and every perfon who
*' rides from the new road to the Phoenix, (hall fee
•' the face of N m, not afliamed to fhev/ itfelf
" on thofe fymbois of patriotifm, the fign-polls.
" I (hall be remembered as a patriot, when the fcrib-
*' lers of the Batchelor, are gone to the jails which
** are now gaping for them, and to which I fhall
" be always ready to conduct and comniit them." — ■
The noble frenzy beginning to blaze to a height
that might be fatal to tyranny ; — the old Magus
Cghs to have this Curtius of popularity ftruckdumb,
and when the weed touches his lips, Mr. Jofcph
D — e, and Sir William M e, bear him off, ilill
ftrugling in the convulfions of liberty,
I fhall conclude, Mr. Wagftaffe, with a ferious
addrefs to my countrymen, to reflect coolly on the
calamities which threaten this devoted nation Let
the fcattered and patriotic membeis afTemble — let
them appoint deputies to fupplicate his majefty, and
deprecate the vengeance of the inccnfed Sancho.
Though they may be lidiculed by court fcriblers, and
though boys may be hired to follow them in the ftreets
with potatoes fixed on the end of flicks; though
they fhouW be called the potatoe ambafTadors, * (as
they once were on a fimiliar occafion) yet let tLera
perfevere, and cry uut.
M'''ekot7ie, for thee, fair Virtue, all the pafl /
For thee., fair Virtue, ivelconie e/ly,
to anfer thefe falutary purpofes, I make no doubt
but the M. ofK re, and the reft of the public
fpirited committee, would advance the lafge fum in
their hands, for erecting a monument to the great
patriot Doftor Lucas, which may be replaced at a
more convenient opportunity. There can be no rea-
fonable objedlion urged againft th-3, for the Romans
were permitted to expend ihsfacred treafures depo-
fitcd in the Capitol, on an invafion of the Gauls ;— •
and thus, Mr. WagftafFe, by imitating that noble
precedent, " The phoenix of freedom may arlfe, frora
*^ the aflies of the Doctor, to animate my degene-
♦* rate countrymen." — [VicUyan addrejs of thanks to th^
freeholders of Ennifcorthy.'\
I am fir, yours,
Y. Z.
NUMBER XLIX. *
RESi^ECT for the genius of RonfTeau, and
veneration for his character, firll led me to
feek his acquaintance, and to cultivate his friend-
fiiip : we met like men whofe fouls had fomething
* This was wiiiten in the charafler of David Hume, in an-
fwer to a letter %ned Jean Jacques Rouileau, v.'hicli appeared
ja the Freetn&n.
conjenial
The B A T C H E L O R. 283
congenial, and a name in the republic of ieiters
abridged the forms of introdu'iion, and ferved as a
link to that kind of intercourfe which fubfifts be-
tween men, unincumbered by the clogs of the world,
and the flavifh (hackles of intereft and felfifhnefs.
We had called ourfelves Philofophers, and as fuch
we were received by thofe, who did not give them-
felves the trouble of examining into the nght by
which we became our own fponfors Tn return for
this complaifance, I thought niyfelf bound to con-
form to the world, where it did not interfere with my
happinefs, or require a facrifice of my principles ;
and when I failed to reform abufes, or to redify
errors, I fat down contented with the endeavour,
and wifned more (kill, and better fuccefs to my
fellow labourers in the fame undertaking. The
citizen of Geneva I foon found was of a very di(Fe-
rent complexion : an ardeni thirft for pre-eminence
in fcserice ; a prurient vanity, difguifed under the
affedlation of much fnnplicity and plainefs ; an under-
ftanding too fubtle to be convinced ; and a temper
too irritable to be at peace, made him jealous,
difcontented, and uncomfortable. The intimacy which
enfued between us, left me no room to doubt that he
(hunned fociety, not fo m.uch to indulge contem.plation,
as to efcape a fcrutiny, which would reduce him to
the level of that herd from which he had retired,
Hcteroclite opinions, and the fingularity of feftaries,
were furs of his countenance ; his v/as a perfecuti-
on of eftablifnments, and to fnake the foundation of
fy items, confirmed by comp'ft and prefcription, was
bis principle purfuit, his favourite plealure, and his
ultimate ambition. A retrofpeft to the caufe of his
alienation from me, (which became afterwards a fub-
je£i for the tables, and the news-papers of London,)
gives me no uneaunefs. Though his mifantrophy
rudely
284 The B A T C H E L O R.
rudely turned back the ftreain of my benevolence
on the fource from whence it firft proceeded, yet it
has ftill enough of vigour remaining to flow towards
him in the fame gentle and temperate current j and
if he will not ufe its waters to wafh away the ftains
of prejudice, let them ferve as a mirror, where he
may contemplate the incongruity of philofophy with
fadtion ; and of profelllons of good will to mankind
in general ; with rancorous inveftives againll inno-
cent, and refped.ible individuals.
" The hiftory," he fays, " of the Englilli nation,.
" firft induced him to feek a refuge among the fons
" of freedom, as he thought them ; and iny mif-
*' leprej'entations contributed to the captiz'ating er-
" >o/-." — That is, I have in my hiftory reprefented
the people of England as a free people — my pages
contain all the information I could colleiJt on that
important fubjedt, and my idea? of the Britifli con-
ftition arife from the fum of that information. So
far then, as I have endeavoured to explain 10 my
countrym.en their right to liberty, I am certainly a
friend to freedom. " Yet Hume," he fays, ♦* is the
" miflionary of corruption, and applauds the political
*' ethicks which himfelf infpired." — The very re-
verfe of his premifes will lead to his conclufion.
Had he gathered from my writings that Britain had
no juft claim to freedom, that every circumfcription
of monarchy was an innovation, every extenfion of
the fuhje£ts privileges, an encroachment on the
royal prerogative, well might this friend to the natu-
ral rights of mankind, have called the ailjitrary
hiftorian a nu'lTionary of corruption. What does the
mifanthrope mean ? Js it that my converfation and
exaraple are pernicious, and have a more extenfive
influence than my litterary labours? Tlie fuppofitiou
is
The B A T C H E L O R. 285
isabfcrd; and yet without this abrutdity, I know
not how to coliefc a propofition trom his inconfii\enC
rhapfody.
Let me now confider his argument on a rubje<5l Co
ofttn cifcuiTed in the parliament of Ireland, and in
the fugitive publications of' that country. It is im-
mediately palpable from what political Mentor, the
Philosopher of the Alps, has imbibed his doc-
trines of the jiilh conftitution. The fcntiments in his
letter are an abftrafl of that fenators tenets, whofe
capacity and perfeverance h^ive raifed him tar above
his competitors in the ftriie of oppofiuon. That
orator has often perplexed the wife, and aftonifned
the ignorant, with fine-fpun fophiftries on this his
favour'te lopic ; and it is not the meaneft of his tri-
umphs, that his rhetoric has roufed the harraiTed
Rouffeau again to buckle on his armour, and enter
the lifts of controvcrfy in the caufe of error. It
ftiall be my endeavour to (hew him he is deluded by
a phantom j and it will be his duty to thank me for
the vlifcovery.
In reafoning on all conflitutlonal qut ftions, we
ought to confidei v/hat the conRitution and the laws
are ; rot what we lu'tflj them to be, or wliat we think
they 'yug' t to be ; otherwife, we fubft tute fpeculati-
on or reality, and the leveriesof every vifionary re-
former, ibr the fubflanriil fds v/hich hold nations in
obedi<.nce to leg'fiiitive authoiity, fmce by that
coercion the great end of ail civil inftitutions is pro-
moted, and the frame of government preltrved in
harmony and good order.
He alFcrts that the coinnions of Ireland, only have
a right to propound and model bills of fupplv ; that
the crown of England has snly ^ vcgati-e on fuch
bills, and that it has no po^er to ahtr them. As a
friend
286 The B A T C H E L O R.
friend to the immunities of a generous and loyal
people, I am forry to inform him that many laws
niufl be abrogated, and many, precedents fwept from
our remembrance, before any one of his aflertions
will bear the teft of an examination. Let him look
to the ftutute of Poyning's, by which 'tis provided,
that nj parliament (hall be fummoned in Ireland, till
the articles of the a(^s propofed to be pafled therein,
are firfl certified by the governor aiul council, under
the great fea! ol" Ireland. n this there is no excep-
tion of money-bills. — Let him turn to the fourth of
Phiiip and Marv, which to prevent the inconvenience
of frequent d'ff 'utions. (and for that purpofe chiefly)
provides, that bills in the ufual form may be certified
to En<»land, during the feiTions of pniliament In
this there is no exception of money bills. — Let him
confider the money bills which have been brought
from the governor and council into the houfe of
commons, and there pafled — Let him furvey the
nione^ bills which have been altered in England, and
pafled with fuch alterations by the parliament of
Ireland — When he has done this let him recommend
to the friends of indepemknce, not to deny the exi-
ftenceoffuch laws aixl precedents; but, ifpoflible,
to annihilate them : nor tc chaige a temperate, and
public-fpir-ted adminiftration, with attempts to vio-
late the conftltution, when tluy themfelvcs are in
faa, the only innovators. He alks, " What fupport
" or exiftence hiS the inelliuiable privilege of the
»' commons, that of being their own tax-mailers, if a
" rival and deftruv*;ive power be vefted in the crown
«' of Great-Britain ?" J anfwer, that the crown does
not exercife the power, nor pretend to the power of
taxing you ; that your bills of fupply don't become
laws till the commons have approved and pafled
them : and that the modelling (as he calls it) an
Irifli
The B ATCHELOR. 287
Irifli money bill in England, is no more than pro-
pofing to your ccnliJer ition, for an uncompelled
acceptance, one mo 'e of taking commoc'ities im-
ported into your kingdom, whii.h England tn.inks
pffuable to that you h;ive offered lor her appio-
bation.
Si far I have efa-^iiied nnd expofeil his injuftice
and ini^r^tiru '-' t ■ '}-■!'. Hu.nc, and kis igp' ranee or
perv-j'fion J- 'he conllinition of ireiand h isnow
time to try, v/hethei he 'S iiore candid or berter in-
fo:::ieJ in h s fentinenrs of the two military gentle-
men, who aeinfmu'cos, " Are hire-' to the tufk of
*' wouiwiing wjtti tncir pens, fhat conftituciun they are
*' paid for cIcfenMiig^ vitii the.- fwords ' A late pub-
licH on in the' Batchclor whtc'' he fuppofes to be a
joint labour, (thuugh T am weil mroni.ed of the con-
trary) is, he tiiinks, afaificient juftification for his con-
temptuous adniOi-'fi' u to both tne writers, and ^or
his malicious arcufatior nga.nftone o' thorn ' have
carefully peruf-d that p^p r. and am bold to affirm,
that lb far as it goes in regaid to the iate fvioney-Bill,
the pofitionsare fair, fenfible, and conilitut'onal. For
the fake oi 1 tters, I uiuft hope, that the author, (let
h's profelTion be what it may) will of.en employ his
leifure and his talents on fubje^-'s which hf^ feems fo
well qualified to handle j let him not abufe the [>,ifts
of nature, and the advant^^es of ecucation, by mixing
in fcenes o. idl.nefs, difliratioii and vanity : though
his fiudies (hould prove off;iifive to the pretended
champions of liberty, and though the philofophic
Roufll-au Ik-ps into the loofe robe of Petronius, and
recommends, inftead of them, the exercifes of the
dance, and the allurements of the theatre. His ma-
lice is of a deeper dye, when he addrefTcs himfelf to
the other gentleman: yet though there be much ve-
nom, there is little vigour in the (haft he has aimed
at
2S3 The B A T C H E L O R.
at him. Bafely and unjudly to revile tJie man to whole
family he belongs, and to whofe favour he is obliged,
would be sbfurd and immoral. 1 know from good
authority, the charge is utterly falfe and groundlefs,
Suppofiiig it had even the colour of truth ; how can
Roufleau be juditied for making it public ? It Ihikes
at the fortune, not at the arguments of his imaginary
antagonift. If this kin to Hermes enrertainsan ill opi-
nion of his patron, that opinion muft have been com-
uiuriicated in the freedom of intimacy, and under the
fecuiity of confidence. It muft have been uttered to
\.h.Q friend, not to the puhlijher. He knows no friend
vile enough to betray fuch a fecret. He knows no
gentleman wicked enough to inn)eni fuch a calumny.
As his duty prompted, and his capacity enabled him,
he has more than once vindicated the honour of his
patron, from the (hamelcfs defamations of a licenti-
ous prefs ; nor can that noble pcrfon one mouient
admit the teftimony of a libel (er againft the integrity
of his advocate, without giving weight at the time,
to the fame fort offpurious evidence, againft his own
infiilied virtues The Chiel Governoi knows why the
names ot thcfe gentlemen are become the fport of
every news paper, and the prey of every anonymous
niungril. It may raife, but it cannot hurt them in his
eftimation. I-: is, becaufe, they do not look on, and
tamely fee his name reviled, his conduti mifreprefent-
ed, and his govermacnt rendered odious. It is becaufe
they can diftinguifh between pretence and principle.
Itis becaufe they have fometimes wrefted the dagger
from the hand of the lurki ig afT ftin, and turned the
point againft the magnifico who fuborned him. It is
in (hort, becaufe, they have done that in the caufeof
iufl-ice, public virtue, and private friendlhip, " quod
*' qnijque fuos in tali re facere 'VoltiiJJet.
Z January gth I J-/ 2. DAVID HUME.
N U M-
The BAT CHE LOR. 289
NUMBER L.
To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq.
SIR,
IT gave me the greateft pleafure to find, from an
intimation in a late Batchelor, that we are to have
a cefTation of party hoftilities, at leaft for fonie
time, on the fide of your correfpondents ; and that
you will again oblige the public with iuch Specu-
lations as formerly, when you paper was not en-
groffed by a few hands, for the purpofe of vindicatinp-
government, or expofing oppofition. As a friend
to letters in general, I have feeii with concern the
powers of reafon, rhetoric, and fancy, employed
on local and temporary topics, which can fcarce
hope to furvive the fhort duration of the day that
gives them birlh : Wit and genius exercifed on fuch
peiiflipble fubjefls, are ir.ifplaced and thrown away,
no lefs than elegant ornaments, and exquifite chifel-
work would be on the fliaft of a fky-rocket, or the
rattle of an ir.ffmt. Though we admire the neat
hand of the artill, and the finenefs of his tools, we
mufl: furely pity his want of judgment, ia fo grofs
a mifapplication of his ikill and induftry.
I will not go fo for, as to aflert that party-
writing never was, nor ever can be eflentialljr
neceffary in any caufe, or at any conjunfturc. In
anfwer to fo bold a paradox, I fliould be told, no
doubt, that many adroiniftrations have been fup-
O ported,
2^)0 The B A T CH E L O R.
ported, or overturned, by the dexterous manage-
ment of that engine only : the great name of Swift
and St. John v;oiud be produced againft me, and I
fliould hear that Mr. Pultney became popular and
■jjovverful, not more by bis knowledge of bufinefs,
and his eloquence in the fenate, than by his pam-
phlets, and periodical papers. I i"hould be referred
to the report from the Secret CoMMn te, in the
time of Sir Robert, for the great fums given out of
the public treafiiry by that wife minilter, to aniarate
the genius, and reward the zeal of his literary coad-
jutors. The North-Briton, perhaps, might
bring up the rear of this formidable body of autho-
rities; and it would be urged, that a few flieets
of that libel, though utterly defpicable in point of
compoHtion, and only formidable for its bold accu-
fations, and virulent perfonality, fhook the helm
from the hands of the King's favourite minifter,
when neither his own inexperience, nor the jealous
cabals of all the difcontented nobility of England,
could iniiniidate him. The following Ihort anfwer,
formed on an anticipation of my antagonift's faga-
city, will, I hope, ferve to difcngage me from one
point of a controverfy, into which I had no thoughts
of entering. When I advance fo fingular a noti-
on, as that Party-writing is not an inllrument
of great confcquence in a free ftate ; I mean not to
extend it to other times, and to other countries,
but to confine it to the country, and the times we
live in. Its effeas in England have been prodigious,
and there they muft ever be fo. Nay, it cannot be
denied, that the whole armoury of oppofition con-
tains not a weapon cf fuch various ufe, and fo eafi-
ly managed. In flcllful hands, it becomes at once a
dag'^er, and a llueld j it infli£ls tha wounds, and
covers the aflailant; and even the raoft errant
bungler
The BAT CHE LOR. 291
bungler may employ it, as the footpad does his un-
loaded piftol, to bruife and terrify: but thefe pro-
perties vanifli when government pretends to wield
it. Let me not be underftood to mean any difrefptdt
to the perfon of our prefent Chief Governor, of
any contempt of thofe talents which it is fuppofed
his patronage has called out to public obfervation.
This country is indebted to him for feveral excellent
laws and regulations ; his difintereftednefs is above
the breath of impeachment, and his fine endov/-
ments are univerfally acknowledged. Let it alfo be
one part of his praife, that he has flievvn difcern-
ment in the choice of his inftruments, though the
principle, which led him to think they might be
ufeful for any purpofe of the flate, is erroneous' He
has had the art of attaching men of parts and eru-
dition to his interefts ; he has dlftinguiflicd the fruit-
ful ability, from the barren promptnefs to treat
every political fubjeft; encouraging the one, and-
rejefting the other. If the ineafures of an IriHi
adminiftration could derive any advantage from the
zealous ingenri-y of its literary advocates, many of
the effays in your paper, deferve to be preferved as
models for that fpecies of compofition. But pJ'ay,
fir, what end has been attained by all this wafte of
genius, by this " great effiifion of Chrifiian ink ?'*
He knows what purpofe they have anfwered, let
him declare it. — It may be faid, that the daily pa-
pers are " the brief abjlrad, and chronicle of the
" limes -y and it 'were better haie a bad epitnph
'* after death y than their ill reproach ixjhile li-jingP
From thence the lower orders of the people form
their notions of men and meafurcs ; without fuch
cheap and expeditious vehicles of intelligence, the
fober citizen, who remains nailed to his counter,
and the ruftic, who feldom roves beyond the pre-
O 2 cinds
292 The B A T C II E 1. O R.
cinfts of the chafe, would never know to what
DTime he ought to offer the libation of a bumper,
or for what decifion in the fcnate he fliould burn
his furxe-buili. But let me add, that if confufion to
the Vice-Roy was tacked to every city toaft, and
his effigies was the fuel for every bonfire, the go-
vernor would not be deluged by the one, nor con-
fumed by the other.
Allow me now, fir, to afk a few iliort queflions.
Do the periodical papers of Dublin, make part of
the ftudies of his Majeity or his minifters? Does the
King withdraw his countenance from his reprefenta-
tive, becaufe the Freeman's Journal defcribes him
as an unworthy objeft of it ? Or does the firft
Lord of the Treafury forward his arrangments with
more expedition, becaufe the Mercury proves them
to be confHtutional arwi neccflary? No, fir; it is
more than prob^tble, that neither one or the other
ever reached the clofet or the cabinet. — Do well-'
ftatcd fa£ls, folid arguments, pointed fatire, ele-
gant panygerick, harmonious verfes, and fine turn-
ed periods, thin the votaries of fadlion, and brin^j
daily profelytos to the flirineof government ? Alas I
fir, in flich times as thefe, more political transfor-
liiations have been wrought by that magic Talifman,
the broad feal, dangling at the bottom of parch-
ment, than by all the enchantment of the mufes;
and the black lifts will convince you, that there is
more perfuafion in a King's Letter, than in the moft
eloquent addrefs that ever was pen'd to the reafon
and the paffions. You, Mr. Wagftaffe, who have
fome intereft in this queftion, will roufe, perhaps,
and defire me to look back to the hiilory of former
Lord Lieutemnts : You will tell me that the Duke of
Bedford had both power aud inclination", to promote
every
The BATCHELOR. 293
every fcheme for the advantage of this country.
You will fay, he might have flood his ground againil
the intrigues of a few crafty politicians in the houfe
of commons, had they not called in the prefs to
their aififtance. That the bafeft calumnies were in-
vented, and by this means circulated againft him ;
and having no friends to raife the mounds of conlra-
diftion, or to turn back the foul ftream on the
fources from whence it proceeded, he was at laft
overwhelmed by a torrent of unoppofed fcurrility.
You will not fuffer me to overlook the example of
Lord Hertford : the iliort refidence of that noble-
man, was not diftinguiihed by any event to draw
upon him the curfe of unpopularity; yet, with
powerful connexions in England, Vv'ith a fteady ma-
jority in the IriiTi parliament, he returned to ths
royal prefence, bleeding all over from the porcupine
quilJs of Grub-ftreet ; which had excited even the-
uninterefted to deteft him, and the rabble to infult
him by the groffelT; indignities, even when under the
protection of guarded ftreets, an attending fqua-
dron, and all the formalities of a pompous pro-
ceffion. His lordfhip, you will fay, v/as fo fenfible
that a guard of authors was as neceflary as a guard
of foldiers, that he bought off, by a confiderable
penfion on the eftablilliment, one obfcure and im-
potent libeller;* and his only champion, Dr.
B — rr — ws, would not have been requited
with a fcanty pittance of a few private bounties,
had not his infamous private character, and his mean
abiiides, made him an obje
All Grubftreet was in arms ;
Thus, Howard's genius, fo well known.
Each heavy dunce alarms.
Your wit has often fet them mad.
They can't ic's (ling endure.
Your riches too have made them fad,
— Becaufe the rogues are poor.
*- This elegant complimentary addrefs to Mr. H. was ocMfi -
oned % the following dull aad m&lidous epigram.
To poets of t,enius 'twas always a. curfe,
To find that iheir wit only lightened tneir purfe.
But I! — v.- — rd is happy in his fcribbling itch
For as he writes nonienfe, he therefore is rich!
Then Gorgy write on, dill laugh inyour favc.
Your printers alone, v/ill have rcal'on to grieve.
Your
300 The B A T C H E L O R.
Your praifc extorted from fuch foes,
Shall well thy fame exprcfe ;
Let fools or beggars envy thofe,
Whom fenfe and riches blefs.— — •
5^);^.^>jr?^x^)e(x^>?r)5??K»:):«):(>jf:?{()^,^»f>^)3r>^,^.^>i^.^
NUMBER LIII.
For our end
We mujl fuggeft the people, in luhnt hatred
He ftill hath held them., that to poiuer he ivould
Hwve made them mules, filenced their pleaders, and
Dijpropertyd their freedoms .• holding them
In human adion and capacity.
Of no more foul, orftnefs in the nuorld.
Than camels in the ivar, ivho have their provender
Only for bearing burthens, and fore bloius
Tor finking under them.
To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq.
S I R,
' O U have wifely, in my opinion, avoided as
nnich as poiTihle, entering into any altercation
with the fuppcrters of thofe two contemptible vehi-
cles of public fediuon, end private fcandal, ti.e Frt--
man and Hibernian, and indeed have left them in r
great mcafure unnoticed. However, I hope you wi.
not objc6t to thefe Hw ftridtures on Biutuss letter of
the
The BATCHELOR, joi
the 3d of this month : he there afFefls to give an im-
partial ftate of the public account between the Lord
Lieutenant and the Nation, confidered as debtor and
creditor. To add weight to his reafoning, he copies
the example of the Grub-ftreet publifliers of red and
hlack lip ; doubtlefs conceiving, that the colours
which heretofore doomed fo many members of par-
liament to eternal obloquy, or configned them to im-
mortal fame, will carry equal conviction to the un-
dcrftanding of his credulous readers. This dull, faf-
tidious, lying performance, is evidently the child of
the puritanic O— 1 — r P — k— t, notwithlknding the^
declarations in the fame paper to the contrary : his
malignant levelling fpirit is apparent through the
whole ; in denying it he only copies the example of
his late coadjutor dotStor Lucas.
It is to be prefurned, that this worthy author af-
fumes his fignature from the faftious tribune mentioned
by Shaktfpear ; a man who brought his country to
the brink of deflruQion, by the perfecution of her
beft and braveft citizens ; — how unlike that immortal
Roman, who, from a confcientions and ardent love
of liberty, drev/ his fword againfl: an ufurping tyrant.
— 1 am the laft man, Mr. WagftafFe, th?t would prof-
titute my pen to palliate, or apologize for the nSiotu
of corrupt inngillrates, who plunder or infult my
country ; much Icfs of a Viceroy who deferved that
charadtcr. On the other hand, I think it the duty
of every friend to truth, and the public weal, to op-
pofe the turbulence of a reftlefs fadion, to dete£i and
expofe the falfehoods, infidioufiy calculated to poifbn
th^ minds of the credulous multitude, aad to check
the overvv'eaning pride of thofe maleconttnis, who
cannot brook that fubordinate rank in the community,
which chance or nature his aHlsi-ned them.———
\\ hofcver
302 The BAT CHE LOR.
Whoever refle£fe ferioufly on the conduct tnd
views of thefe 7nen, will eafily difcein how
iniponible it is for the moft prudent and mild go-
vernment to enfure the peace and good order of fj-
ciety. The malignant, tho' contemptible libels of
a Pl-—k — t, may dilgrace the country v.liich was im-
mortalized by a Walker ; whiiit thofe popular ruf-
fians, Savage and Red:iionc',fhill parade over the very
ground, where the illuftrious William marched to our
falvalion. Such mltcrcants, as prof cjj fid friends to.
the profperity of Ireland, would render every iuduf-
trious inhabitant difcontented with his fituation, and.
juflify the excefles of the profligate againft the lober
and horKjft part of the community, charging govern-
ment (as the father of all fin) with the.miiery and
depopulation that inevitably foUov/s.
As, friends to the conjiitution, they exhort the juries,
to judge of the expediency of the law, and the con-
dutSt of the leglilature who palfed it, not of the atro-
cioufnefs of the crime, or the proof before them ; .
and as determined oppoiienls to military government,
and augmeiitationsy they excite and cultivate fucli a
rebellious fpirit among the common people, as obliges
the hnded gentry, and the northern patriolsy to foli-
clt the aid of the military, and place themfelves in
fad entirely under their proteftion. — Such are the
patriotic ccnfjilencivs, and pious labours of Brutus
PI — k — t, and his coadjutors, however unfupported,
and even condemned by the general fenfe of the na-
tion.. Indeed, I cannot recolkft any county, (Meath.
excepted) or corporate town, which has adopted his
language. Tbc general opinion and voice of this
l^ingdom, breathe nothing but a dutiful acknov/ledg-
ment of the virtues and firmnels of our truly amiable
fcverei^n.
The BAT CHE LOR. 305
foverelgn, though he is reprefented in our loyal pa-
pers as an ideot, a tyrant^ a Jacobite, and a patron
of fodomites. With refpeft to his fubftitute here, I
fhould be at a lofs to determine his veal charadter,
were it not for thofe public teftimonials he has re-
ceived from fo many counties and corporations, which
have never been cancelled, as I hear, by any one au-
thentic difa vowel, during an unufi^ai refidence of five
years.
Here might be the proper place to enter into a
particular difcuffion with Brutus, both as to his Ex-
cellency's public and private chaiaQer ; for I obferve
that he is as accurate an arithmetician as SirW— ]| — m
M— ne, and keeps a pence table to regifter his cha-
rities •. as theje arc of a private nature, and belong-
only to the feelings of the heart, I fhall take no no-
tice of them. The Lord Lieutenant's attention to
our public works, charter fchools, foundling hofpital,
&c. is remembered by every thinking man, when the
violence and felfiili fpirit of a party had drawn on
the prorogation. It v/as a bitter difippointment to
a faftion, which hoped to bring every calamity on,
their country, to fee themfelves defeated by the kind
attention and benevolence of the crown.
Let me proceed to ftate Brutus's charges, with ex-
plicit anfwers, and then prefent the candid and im-
partial reader with a true account of the many exten-
five benefits-this country has received in the quinque-
liium of Lord Townfliend's adminilliation.
Es u T u s's
3D4 The BATCHELOR.
Brutus's Charge.
Prorogation.
To be imputed to Mr. P. and the patriots, who
pafTed a ufelefs nnd unconftitutional vote. The par-
liaunnt met the following winter, merely to tranfaCt
the national bufinefs, in confequence of a decent and
dutiful addrefs from the city of Dublin.
OppreJJtons of the 'veterans at Kihnainhnm.
An abfolute falfehood. The contemptible firing:
of lies on this head, can be confuted by the teftimo-r
ny of every governor of the hofpitaL
Riot Ad.
All counties fliould have a Riot A£l, who prefer a
legal, to a mob government.
Pen/ions to ivhores and pimps.
The charge on the civil lift for penfions, is decreaf-
ed 6000I. per annum during Lord Townilicnd's admi-
niftration ; nor hns he loaded the eftablifliment with'
a finale one for any of his blood, or relations. — An
unprecedented inftance of difmtereftedntf;.
Squandering the public money to purchafe members
ef parliament.
An abflird f^ilfehood. — If the charge could be
proved, why did your patriots drop their long bla-
zoned enquiry .?
Ohjiruaing
The BATCHELOR. 305
ObJlruSling the aS, That the jinlges Jhould hold
their employments, quam diu fe bene gejjerint.
The nation is obliged to Lord Townfliend for his
good intentions : He promoted and recommended this
a<5l in the itrongeft manner. — The Prime Serjeant,
kft feffions, explained the true principle, ivhyk. claufe
was inferted in that bill, which induced the commons
to reject it.
Li'vings to many ungodly men.
Puritanic cant and nonfenfe.
Augmentation A6i,
The beft military regulation ever adopted.— Pre-
rogative reftrained, and the defence and fecurity of
the kingdom provided for by the fame means.
Breach of the royal promife, ^c.
Abfolutely falfe. — The army in this kingdom^
confifts of four regiments of horfe, eight of dra-
goons, and twenty-two regiments of foot ', they ali
are as complete as poffible, alloixjing for deaths and
defertions.
Sinking the garter age -Bill.
It i-i to be feared that the Lord Lieutenant has not
fo much merit on this occafion, as is imputed to him^
—Ireland is the only Proteftant country, which does
not encourage able and induftrious ftrangers. The
bad policy of this injudicious prevention, is owing to
the
3o6 The BATCHEL-OR.
the pitiful local jealoufies of the noify and monopo-
lizing corporations of a luctiopolis, finking under
diilipation and faction.
The fpirit of the Ahfentee tax diff^enfedivith.
Thi^rateful mtion is indebted to Lord Town-
fliend mr the Abfentee-tax ; nor has he exerted his
intereft or infiutnce to counteract its beneficial effects.
He refufed to recommend Lord Cliief Jullice Clay-
ton's requeft to the Kin^, for a nett annuity of loool.
—His condud on this, and finiilar applications, is hisr
beft eulogiura.
Supporting Popery A£ls.
No aits have been fupported by government, but
fuch as will conciliate the minds of dutiful, peaceable,
though unfortunate fubjcfls, at the fame time that
they tended to cure that evil which the Freeman fo
loudly complained of — a fcarcity of caili.
Appointing ufelefs Jur^jeyors.
The improvement or decline of the revenue will
prove v/hether they are ulllcfs or not.
Tre^jenting (or at befit ^'^ot recommending) the re-
turn of Crier's and Ho'voard's bill.
Another bold lie. — The true caufe of its failure
was occafioned bv fome Englilh creditors, who peti-
tioned the privy council — and their objedtions were
deemed valid.
The B A T C H E L O R. 307
Not encouraging trade, hy refuiing at Black Rock.
Is his Excellency to live all the {umnier at the
Caftle r-^Then why do not our patriots refide in
Dublin alfo ? Are not levees held every weekp and
is not all the cafli for the maintenance of his houf-
hold expended in Dablin ?— Which of our patriots
can (2,y with his Excellency, that they themfelves,
or their families, have never worn any thing but
Irifli manufafture during five years.
Difgracing the reprefentp^tive of Majejty, by keep-
ing company luith the dijfolut? and abandoned.
I mrch fear his Majefty himf-lf will be more dis-
graced in the next papers. — Who are theft dilfolut^
and abandoned ? —Is it owing to the charity of the
Freeman, that they remain in the ih&de ?
By appointing men, fcarcely a degree above idtots^
to feats in the privy council.
Are their underftandings inferior to Lord L— th's,
LordW ft th's, SirV/— 11— m M— ne's or
Mr. P— nl— by's i
By appointing men to the office of high fheriffs, ^c.
It is notorious that juftice is more iinpartinlly ad-
miniftered than ever, by the appomtment ofiheriffs :
to maintain a ftrift impartiality in counties, where
ftrong divifioas prevail, the flieriffsare frequently no-^
niinated alternately from each party.
appoint-
3o8 The B A T C H E L O R.
Appointment of the Ji^ue commijjioners of excife.
The judicious oeconomical regulations already
adopted in the revenue, prove their utility. — In a few
years Mr.P — nf — by raifcd the charge of coUeditig
the revenue by incidents, ^c. 45,0001. per ann. In
a few months the new board have diminiihed them
above 7,oool. per annum.
Commtfjtoners of accounts.
It is a faft, that the Lord Chancellor, and the
Barons of the Exchequer, neither did, nor had Icifure
to examine the national accounts with accuracy and
prccifion. — The faving to the nation, by the efta-
bliihment of this board, will be confiderable ; as will
moft evidently appear next feflion of parliament.
And laflly, by great mifreprejentation of^the vjhole
Irijh nation.
Where did th» lying author colleCl this ? — It is
probable that if his Excellency, after the prorogation,
had reprelented the conduft of a violent, difappoint-
ed faction, to have been the general fenfe of the king-
dom, this parliament had never met again. It is evi-
dent from that event, that both the Chief Governor,
and the Britiih cabinet, formed a very different idea,
nor were they miftaken ; for the fenfe of the parlia-
ment, when they met, and the fenfe of the whole na-
tion, has proved very different from the language of
the Free Prefs, and Prolefting Lords, which are no
more than a weak and contemptible imitation cf the
feditious language of the contemptible fupporters of
the Bill of Rights, at the London Tavern.
After
The BATCH ELOR. 309
After thus anfweringy I hope in a fatisfaftory man-
tier, every charge urged by this defplcable writer, I
fliall conclude by recapitulating thofe eflentlal bene-
fits which we have received from him.
Abolition of Lords Juftices, and of an ariftocratic
lyftem, which was a difgrace to a free people.
The Odlennial-bill— which has diffufed an Engli/K
fpirit of liberty among the freeholders of this king-
dom.
The Abfentee-tax— which produces 16 or 17
thoufand a year, and faves ten times as much to the
nation, by preventing many of our nobility and gen-
try from refiding abroad.
Actual produce of it — X- '6,000 o o
A refident Lord Lieutenant, (per
annum) — 16,000 o o
The bounty on linen renenued.
This, by experimental proof., occa-
fions the export of 3,564,381 yards,
value — -~ X- 237>625 o
An extenfion of the bounty to Iriih
printed Linens.
Preventing a bounty of three-half-
pence a yard on all Manchefter
checks, which would have operated
as a bounty of 45I. per cent, againft
our linen manufadure.
F.edu6tion of the ftaff, - - 2737 o o
Penfions
I'lo The BATCMELOR.
Penfions diminiflied, -" - 60000 o e
The Privilege Bill, which has dif-
ohliged feveral of the Patriots, by
fubjedting them to the laws of their
country, and compelling them to a£l
like honeft men.
The Bankrupt Bill, which' will
-extend our trade, by eftabliiliing con-
fidence and credit among our Mer-
chants.
The Rum-bill — which will ex-
tend to our commerce, and increafe
the revenue. 4.0,000 o o
A judicious parliamentary augmentation, by which
the royal prerogative was rellrained, and a corps of
tv/elve thoufand troops provided for the defence and
fecurity of the people who pay them. That public
fpirited m.eafure, executed with the ftriiSeft oecono-
my, produce a faving of 23,3581. 15s. 8d. This
was effefted by the Lord Lieutenant's ihno'vnting on
the ufual mode of iffliing pay for the intended aug-
mentation, as foon as it was voted. By this means,
a large non-elfedtive fund became the property of
the public, and was applied to the fervice of the
flate.
The appointment of more Iri fii judges, and Irifh
bi/liops, than any of his predecefTors.
V E R A X.
To
The BATCHELOR. 311
To Je OF FRY V/agstaffe, Efq.
TH E paffianate and tender fentiments of love,
are expreffed with elegance and claffical pu-
rity, in the following blft^Sfu! verfes. By inferting
them in your Speculations, you will oblige,
MusAUS.
KISSES.
By Paul Jodderel, Efq;
"SoLLiciTOR to the late Prince 0/ Wales.
AS erft to Damon's facred fhade,
Thefe eyes their grateful tribute paid,
Of many a tear beguil'd :
Sweet Anna faw my tender grief,
And in kind pity brought relief;
She kils'd me, and I frail'd.
Ambition next my bofom warm'd,
Adieu Ciich fofttr care :
Alarm'd the fair Enchantrefs came
One kifs infus'd a gentler fire,
I felt the noble heat expire.
And curs'd the phantom Fame.
3. Tranfix'd
312 The BATCHELOR.
Transfix'dby Envy's poifon'd dart.
When late my inly-feft'ring heart,
Confum'd in filent pain ;
Like wounded Edward's gen'rous Bride,
Sweet Ann her balmy lips apply 'd,
And drew out all the JHiO^llC:*
Strange to relate, the Tygrefs rage.
Her gentle kilTes can afTuage,
And in foft fetters bind ;
Not mufic's powerful charms e'er gain'd.
Or calm philofophy attain'd
Such empire o'er the mind.
Then to fecure my peace and blifs,
Sweet Ann in one eternal kifs.
Breathe in the all healing balm ;
No, ceafe thou fatal fond defire,
Ah, treach'rous kilTes you infpire
More pafllons than you calm.
NUMB-
l0 M !^A
'. .Mil
The B A T C H E L O R. 313
NUMBER LIV.
Cum tot fuJlineaSi et tanta negotia folus, HoR.
^;z EPISTLE /^ Gorges Edmond
Howard, efq; ijith Notes expla-
fiatory, critical, and hijiorical, by
George Faulkner, elq; and
alderman. The Ninth edition, with
material additions,
Advertiiement, by the Annotator.
CT^Hl S Poem ts jiijHy ranked with the ?ncji cele-
-*• hrated Compofitions of Doctor Swift, Pope,
Major Pack, Cowley, Prior, Mrs, Pilkington,
Parnel, Addifon, and Henry Jones, whofe Works
may be had, bound or in Sheets, at my Shop iti
Parlia7nent-Jlreet. I have undertaken, at the Re-
queft of my Friends, to add Annotations, Remarks,
StriJIures, and Obfervations, explanatory, critical,
and hijiorical, for the Benefit of Strangers, who
might otherwife be ignorant of many Perfons,
Things, and Circumfiances, alluded to in the Cor/i-
pofition, after the Manner and Form of my Notes
on Dr. Jonathan Swift, D. S. P. D. that have
not a little contributed to improve, and Ukewife
make his Works be underjlood. I Jhould now like-
wife ohferve, that it hath already gone thro'' Eight
Editions in the City of Dublin, this being the Ninth,
and Two in London, vJwre I atn lefs known j but
P hy
314 The B A T C H E L O R.
by my Journal and the Earl of Chejlerficld which
7nak£th its Circulation much more general^ the
Monthly Rcvicxvers for the Month of Augujl 1772,
remarking^ " That it is a Piece of excellent Hu-
'* mour at the Expence of Mr Faulkner the Print-
" ^r," affording the highcjl Entertainment thereat ;
whereby they mean Mr. Hozuard the Attorney.
Printed by lFillia?n Goldfmith in Pater-Nofier-
Row, and 'T. Lewis inRuJJel-fircet, Covcnt-garden.
An EPISTLE to Gorges Edmond
Howard, efq; (a)
f ET F-k-r boaft (b) of rhymes and letters,
-g J To praife himfelf, and maul his betters ;
For
(a) Epijlle to G. E. H]—He hath amafled a con-
fiderable fortune by various means, and lived in
tolerable repute, as a praiStifing attorney ; till he
quarrelled with the author hereof ; who has fuice
expofed him in fundry witty paragraphs, pointed
epigrams, flinging repartees, facetious verfes, bit-
ing epifties, humorous acroftics, fliarp railleries,
keen retorts, brilliant quibbles, and anonymous
ftanzas.
(b) Let Faulkner hoajl, yie
religion, he propofed himfelf to his Excellency to
write epigrams, to fupport him againft Mr. Flood,
Brcwnlow, &c. who were feldom feen at church,
which he did with great fpirit and fuccefs. Calling
them geefe, ganders, goflings, afles, and other op-
probrious fowl and birds, in the Mercury. He v.as
fo perfecuted for his witty ;i-llufions, that he found
it neceflary to publifn an advertifement in my Jour-
Q^ nal,
338 The B A T C H E L O R.
nal, April 24, 1770, fwearing thereby on the faith
of a ChrilViaii clergyman, that he had no coiicern,
'and never was the author of any produdion in laid
paper, and much blaming the printer Hoey, and
another gentleman, for difcovering that the letter X
in faid paper, was his property, ar.d ihat he was the
author of many produdlions therein, which bafu
condud on their parts he refentcd fo highly in this
impudent indecent manner, proving a Chriftian cler-
gyman a liar to the ruin ot his charadter, and the
great fcandal of his holy fundion, that it determin-
ed him to wrire in the Freeman's Journal without
the letter X, and as feldom as poliible to menuon
ganders, geefe and goflings. Soon alter he went in-
to the North, where he was taken into the conti-
dence of a gentleman of great fenfe and fortune,
who had near loll his unueiftanding by age and in-
firmities, and by the many fpiritual comforts he ad-
minillered to him, pretending to be a good Jacobite,
and an old Tory, in that condition he prevailed on
him to fupprefs all ties of blood and alliance, and
bequeath his fortune to a ftranger, inftead of three
very delerving daughters and their iffue, who were
difinherited. The Doctor's true reafon for this was
not to make himfelf neceffary to the heir for the
fake of the legacy which was left him, but for the
honour of the church, fhev/ing it is neceflary to
pay them refpeft in all families, and that though a
Chriftian clergyman may be tweaked by the nofe,
kicked, cuffed, and buftetted, yet the church fhall
abide, and the gates of Hell fhall nol' prevail againft
it. He hath the happy art of perfuading old ladies
who do not think of their fouls till they are in the
other world, to leave legacies in his hands for the
poor, which he applieth to the bell purpofes, mak-
ing himfelf and family, otherwife poor and diftreffed,
in a comfortable way thereby, until he is called up-
on in a public manner, to the fcandal of the church,
•when he produceth receipts figned after the com-
plaints from which his exemplary life and conduft
as
The B A T C H E L O R. 339
as heretofore mentioned, taketh away all colour.
His great genius for poetry, has not only appeared ia
his preaching a fermon on the fined text in Exodus,
chap, xxxii, v. 23, on Chritlmas day, " I wi.l take
" away mine hand and thou fhalt fee my back parts,
" but my face Ihall not be feen;" but alfo by writ-
ing birth day odes, in the manner of Mr. Vidor,
at the moderate price of half a guinea, poetry and
ftationary ware included. He hath a peculiar fa-
culty for witty epigrams : I have feledted a few as a
fpecimen of the Doctor's abilities :
What ! fweet Mifs Meredith of Chefter,
Efpous'd to Alderman Trecothic !
That llupid cit— but what pofTefs'd her.
To chufe an animal fo gothic :
Some demon fure her mind milled,
To make a choice fo void of reafon ;
Elfe what could tempt the girl to wed,
A wretch who foon muft fwing for treafon.
X.
Batchelor Vol . i. Page 62.
A goofe in the oven ! no, fir, 'tis a flander.
As fome, who difcover'd the faft can declare.
For it was not a goo/e, but you a poor gander,
(As fools will be peeping) who thruft your head
there. ^•
Batchelor No. 25, Vol. i. Page 105.
The great Dodlor Phlogos has publiilied an order
That Counfellor Goflin iliall be our Recorder.
A,
An Epigram on reading the above.
We'er threatned by Phlogcs with an adicn of
flander.
For calling his fav'rite the fon of a gander.
In anfwer to which we fliall plead no excufe
But fliew that the Dcftor himfelf is a goofe,
<^2 SlJ
3+0 The B A T C H E L O R.
'Till griping H — rt — d broke his heart, (h)
Now deals in Hebrew roots profound,
And only treads prophetic ground ;
Jerus'lcm Artichoke fupplies,
Thofe vifions that made Daniel wife.
The
So he and his goflin as birds of a feather
May both, when they pleafe, bring their aftions
together. X.
Another pUnifhment propofed for the gander.
Heigh ho ! that wicked bird produce
The gander that defamed the goofe. X.
Another Epigram.
How fliall we ufe the wicked gander.
That goes about retailing flander.
Why lince in fcandal he delights
Let him read all that Phlogos writes. X.
(h) ^ Till griping H—rt'-d broke his heart."] — Some
of my moft familiar and intimate critics and geni-
ufes is of opinion, that the poet meaneth gripping
Hertford, and that it ought therefore to be fpelled
with a double p. But I candidly and totally differ
from them, and profefcute my own opinion, in main^
taining that it implyeth, that his Excellency the
faid Earl of Hertford, was grievoufly afflifted with
various diforders of the gripes, brought upon him
by windy flatulencies, mortal dry belly-achs, and
other pinching ficknefTes of the guts, during the
time he prefided over the chief government of this
his native country ; and that this was the whole
tote of his cafe is notorioufly known to every hu-
man creature, man, woman, or children, whether
in the Caftle, in the city, or the fuburbs of Dublin.
The B A T C H E L O R.
341-
The Dodlor proves to all the nation.
No myft'rys couch'd in Revelation.
'Till every goffip can explain.
What fage divines explore in vain.
No juggler ever play'd fuch tricks,
As he with John's feven candlefticks.
By whofe myfterious lights are fpied,
Wicklow's Severi Churches typified.
Next maudlin B ke, (i) whofe novels
pleafe.
Like fome old dotard's reveries,.
Without
(i) Nexf maudlin B ie, l^c-l — Henry Brooke,
Efqj an excellent poet, philofoplier, and patriot.
He hath for ibme time retired to his country feat in
the Bog of Allen, where he is carrying on great im-
provements, in laying the country underwater, and
fearching for hidden treafuresin the bottom of lakes,
ponds, marfhes, Qoughs, and other navigable rivers.
He publifhed a famous Novel, called. The Fool of
Quality, which Is fold in feperate volumes, or toge-
ther, at my fhop in Parliament-ftreet. There is
fo much variety in this piece, that the bell judges
agree, 'tis indifferent at v/hat part you begin to read
it, being beautifully interfperfed with Itorles of
beggars, trouts, foreign birds, and Indian prlnceffes.
The Earl of Chefterfield, as a proof of his efteeni
for his fine talents, made him a barrack-maiter. He
is a true friend to the religion of his country, and
hath written many excellent tradts in defence of
Popery, and the Proteftant perfuafion. He wrote
a ballad opera, called, Jack the Giant Queller, be-
ing a fatire upon the Lords Juftices of Ireland,
which was accordingly forbid to be reprefented.
The excellent tragedy of Guftavus was alfo flop-
ped for the fame reafon, by the Lord Chamberlain,
0^3 being
242 The B A T C H E L O R.
Without beginning, middle, ending,
To utile or duke tending.
With equal art, his genius pliant,
Can drain a bog, or quell a giant.
^Vhilft one hand wounds each venal brother.
He for a bribe extends the other.
Your charadler's worth juft fo much.
As you afford, and he can touch :
With ev'ry virtue he abounds.
Who tips the patriot fifty pounds ;
Gold works ftrange wonders in his eyes.
Makes cowards brave, and dunces wife.
Like Svvifs, his hireling mufe engages,
On any fide that pays beft wages ;
One while ftaunch friend to Martin Luther, (k)
He finds pure light and gofpel truth there ;
Then
being a noble incitement to fedition, in the caufe of
liberty. He was at firft the conductor of the Free-
Pre!s, which truft he executed with great integrity,
taking divers funis of money frcin feveral public
officers, to prevent their being fatirized in faid Jour-
nal i which he did with great integrity. This
Journal is not fo univerfally circulated and admired
as mine, becaufe it containeth not fuch a variety of
interefting particulars, intelligence from foreign
courts, the Tranfit of Venus, high- water at Dub-
lin-bar, alfize of bread, failing and return of pack-
ets, births, deaths, and marriages ; not to mention
curious queries, and ingenious paragraphs.
(k) One ivhile Jiaunch friend to Martin Luther. "l—^
A Roman Catholic Clergyman, efteenied a good
Preacher. He underftood Italian, French and other
languages. He quarrelled with the Pope of Rome
about 'Franfubftantiation and other church cere-
The B A T C H E L O R. 343
Then thro' the realm makes proclamation,
For Popery, Priefts, and Toleration.
He firft with many a fair pretence,
To public fpirit, truth, and fenfe,
Hatch'd that difgrace to law and reafon.
That mafs of flander, dulnefs, treafon ;
That Journal which the Arch produces, (1)
For fingeing fowl, or viler ufes.
Q^ 4. How
monies. Henry the Vlllth offered him the united
Biflicpricks of Clonfert and Kilmacduagh, in the
county of Galway, which he politely refufed, and
publilhed a virulent libel againft faid King. Said
King replied with much wit and humour, for which
the Pope prefented him a line Provence Rofe for a
Nofegay, and called him Defender of the Faith,
and fo forth. — Nicholas Luther, who liveth at the
fign of the Mitre and Punch Bowl, in Martin's-lane,
is defcended from faid Martin Luther.
(1) That 'Journal nvhich the Arch produces.']
The Freeman's Journal is printed at St. Audeon's-
Arch, in Old Bridge-ftreet, Dublin, where contra-
ry to law, there is no Printer, nor any other perfon
who anfwereth queftions, but an old woman who is
dumb. The following anecdote happened once to
the Printer hereof. A gentleman came to his fliop
whom he had put amongft the deaths in his journal
the day before, and was much enraged to find him-
felf dead, as it occafioned fome confufion by thofe
who were in his debt coming to demand what was
dr.e to them, whereupon the author hereof adled in
this manner. Sir, faid I, 'tis impofiible for me to tell
whether you be alive or dead, but I'm fure I gave
you a very good character in my Journal. The
gentleman was fo pleafed with the repartee, that
he laid out thirteen fliillings and four-pence hali-
penny before he left my former fliop in Eflei-ftrcet.
34+ The B A T C H E L O R.
How chang'd from him whofe noble rage.
Brought great Guftavus to the ftagc.
And rous'd the Patriot's God-like fire,
In {trains which Stanhope might admire !
Now A'letius' fate and his are one,
By all he's torn, that's true to none.
Macro, with college duft befprent, (m)
There mingles to give malice vent.
With various tongues thick fet as fame
And ev'ry tongue difpos'd to blame.
In ftudious Macro may be feen.
The copious Polyglot of fpleen :
He fearches old and nrcdern lore.
To learn to hate his neighbour more j
Fond of men's follies and their vices.
As beggar of his fores and lice is ;
With eyes like fox, and mouth like fhark.
That feems lefs form'd to fpeak than bark.
Let others while their bowls they quaft,
Diftend their lungs with heart-felt laugh}
In fhort fhrill fhrieks of fiend- Kke glee.
He proves his rifibility.
His knowledge, like a treacherous bacon
Holds out falfe lights to the miftaken.
And when they M'ander from their way.
Humanely leads them more aftray.
Yet
(m) Macro, tvith college duft bejprent.'\ — We
have not been able to difcover whom the author in-
tendeth to delcribe in thefe verfes : but fome inge-
nious friends conjecture that it is fome rev. gentle-
man, who underftandeth many languages, and
keef eth a play-houfe Miii.
The B A T C H E i; O R. 345
Yet Macro, whofe peculiar pride
Is to expofe a friend's blind fide.
Can to more glaring folly ftoop :
Himfelf a bankrupt player's dupe.
There bafhful B n once was feen,
Miftaking dulnefs for the fpleen ;
Who fays, unfays, agrees, difputes,
And his own arguments confutes.
How eloquent in Ihrugs and fighs !
In uplift hands, and winking eyes !
What fupplication, what contorfions !
His words half form'd, his thoughts abortions!
Such wriggling, grafping, pawing, leering.
You know not if its praife, or fneering.
Such fudden flops, and circumfledlions j
Such prefacings, and interjedliions,
With " ah, good Heaven," and " oh, my
" God, fir J
*' I'm wrong, I own, I kifs the rod, fir ;
*' There's weight and fenfe in all you utter"
' — Mere prologues to an egg and butter;
That did not pudding fleeves declare him.
Some antic Scaramouch you'd fwear him.
Yet underneath that form uncouth.
Dwell learning, piety, and truth ;
And no diftortion can they find,
Who view him only in his mind.
But oh, what power more dull than fleep.
Does o'er my torpid fenfes creep ?
Does Morpheus fhed his poppies round ?
Do frefh-pluck'd cov/flips ftrew the ground ?
Do harps iEolian lull my ear ?
346 The B A T C H E L O R.
Are drones of Scottifh bagpipes near?
Do beetles wind their drowfy horn ?
Are gales from fwampy Holland born ?
In vain with fnufF my nofe I ply.
In vain the power of falts I try,
I yawn — 1 nod — for CI — ke is nigh, (k.)
Let mifts and fogs inveft my head,
Let all the fathers pen'd be read,
1
Bid
(k ) / yarvn — / no J — for C I - - ke is nigh ] — The
rev. Dr. CI — ke, Vice-Provoil of Trinity-College,
Dublin. He hath a very fine tafte for poetry, which
plainly appeareth by the fpecimen annexed to this
piece, as it was firft publilhed.
On a lady's forgetting her riding hat. Written by ths
re-v. Dr. Cl ke, ixhi:n Vice-Provoji of Trinity-
College.
I.
Fair Anna had no heart to give,
So left her head behind.
Bright MiNA on whofe fmiles I live,.
Was not by half fo kind.
II.
Both head and heart Ihe with her brougbt,.
And both fhe took away^,
And with her carried all (he caught.
That's all t hat gaz'd that day.
in.
Ye nymphs that o'er nine wells prefide,
Intlruft the willing fair,
To give their hearts, whate'er betide^
And hands when they come here.
IV.
So when we fee St. John's great eve.
The fires that round do move.
Shall each inftrufl us to receive
A hand and heart that glow with love.
The B A T C H E L O R. 347
Bid B nt recite his fpeech, (1)
F — ns plead, or Garnet preach ; (m)
Set mayor and aldermen before me.
Bid everlafting C 11 bore me,
Tell o'er again a thrice told tale,
Drench me with Port or ropy ale,
Be opium mingled with my drink,
My hands {han't fold, nor eye-lids wink :
But thefe vain boafts avail not now.
More ponderous CI ke to thee I bow.
When wilt thou eafe the groaning town.
Thou old caft troop horfe of the gown ?
What haft thou with the world to do.
Or what the world to fay to you ?
Thou can'ft not now in amorous glee.
Write madrigals to fifty -three (n)
And
(1) Bid B nt recite his fprech-l — The Earl of
B 1, Knight of the Bath ; famous for his
eloquence and perfonal accomplilliinen's.
(in) F ns plead, cr Gai-n?t preach.'] — Coun-
fellor John Fitz s — Dodor Garnet, Bifliop of
Clogher. He wrote an excellent Paiaplirafe on the
Hooic of Job. — The whole edition may be tound at
my Ihop in Parliamsnt-ftreet,
(n) IVrite madrigals to fifty -ihree.''^ — Various are
the conjeftures of the learned on this pafl'age, Mr.
Kavanagh is of opinion, that it alludeth unto the
political difputes which raged in the year fifty-three ;.
in which the Doftor may be fuppofed to have wrote
madrigals, to appcafe the minds of the people. My
nephew Todd inclineth to believe, that fomething
is intended wliich he can't difcover. For my own
parr, I opine, that it only referreth to the age of the
lady, who had attained her fifty-thiid year. It cer-
tainly
348 The B A T C H E L O R.
And frifk in rhymes to pleafe the dame.
Which Chrillmas bell-man would difclalm.
Nor
tainly is not very genteel to ridicule this pafiion,
which is properly called all-powerful, to fhew that
it fpareth neither age nor condition^ ftation nor dig-
nity ; not to mention the example of Anacreon,
who was choaked with a grape-ftone, di inking the
health of his miftrefs, at the age of foiir-fcorc : I
am niyfelf this inllant a captive to the charms of a
lady who has paffed her grand climaderic, and have
addrelTed ma?iy founets to hei", in a ftyle no lefs ten-
der than the Doftor's, one of which, the moft ad-
mired by my friends, I have feleded, and venture to
publilli, as a proof of my pafiion, and a fpecimeii
of my poetical endowments.
To the Wido'Vi} — , on her taking a 'vomit of Ipe^
cacuanha,
?.
Soft reli£t whofe enchanting charms,
My captive heart enthrall ;
Whofe frown congeals, whofe kindnefs warms,
Like honey mix'd with gall.
n.
Say, when the naufeous draught you take.
On Faulkner will you think ;
And for thy own dear lover's fake j
His health in vomit drink.
III.
Difcharge, blight maid, the foul contents.
That now your ftomach bind ;
But oh ! be fure, at all events ;
Leave Love and George behind.
IV.
So when in fieve, well pierced with holes,
Where dregs of fire do reft,
W^ith fiiaking nought reniains but coals,
- To warm the riddler's breaft.
The B A T C H E L O R. 349
Nor can'ft thou now in fulfome ftrain.
Pen Jacobite addrefs again ;
And fcandalizing Alma Mater, (o)
Of right divine in monarchs chatter ;
Nor can'ft thou on extortion bent,
Raife infurreftions and thy rent, (p)
Then buzz no more, thou reverend drone.
But to thy kindred earth begone.
What figure next confounds my fight,
An Auftrian Count, an Irifh Khight ! (q)
With
(0) And fcandalizing Alma Mater. '\ — Mater, as
may be found in Littleton's Didionary, is Latin for
mother. My nephew Todd is of opinion, that the
Doftor mull have had fonie quarrel with his mother:
for my own part, how unwilling foever I may be to
find fault with my author, I cannot but agree with
Mr. Kavanagh, and other ingenious friends, that it
were better not to divulge family brangles.
(p) Raife ivJurreBions and thy rent,] — This relat-
eth to a recent fa£l which pafled about ten years ago
in the North of Ireland. The doctor being unwill-
ing, (for the benefit of the incumbent who was to
hicceed him,) that his living fhould be let at an u.n-
der value, infjfted with his parilhioners, who offer-
ed him twelve hundred yearly, to be paid fourteen;,
which they thinking unreafonable went to law, and
reduced it to the fum of 700I. This was the firft
beginning of the infurreQion called the Oak-Boys
in the North of Ireland.
(q) Afi Irijh Knight-] — There are feveral forts of
Knights. Knights of Malta, Knights of the Gar-
ter, the Bath and Thiftle, Knights of the Poft,
poor Knights of Windfor, Baronets and Batchelors,
and the Knight of Kerry. The Author hereof was
offered to be knighted in the 6eld, by the Earl of
Chefterfield
350 The B A T C H E L O R.
With doleful phiz prefaging wonder.
Much German pride and Irifli blunder ; (r)
Which
Cheftcrficld in the Caftle : but confidering that faid
honour was to be conferred by the pollure of kneel-
ing, which is impollible to the Author hereof, by
reafon of his member, which he accordingly refut-
ed to accept, making divers acknowledgements for
declining faid honour. This objedion was near be-
ing removed by the ingenuity of my worthy friend
a Sixth Clerk, who befides his being a great fcholar
and critic, is alfo a moft excellent mechanic, and
contrived a leg of cork, with a fpring joint in the
knee, and turning out its toes as naturally as one
made of flefh and blood, and in this leg I praftifed
the pollure of knighthood by genu-flexion, my
friend holding a drawn fword over my flioulder, but
being too quick at the third rehearfal, in attempt-
ing to get up, atter fa'd friend had pronounced the
words *' rife up Sir George" I unfortunately fnap-
ped the fpring, and fell on my chin to the ground,
fo as to be much bruifed, and would have been fore,
but for the ufe of a falve, which is fold by niy ne-
phew Todd, for bruifes, maims, contufions, dido-
cations and other fcratches, in Parliamtnt-fcreet.
When the above leg is repaired, I propofe accept-
ing the order in it, which I am told his Excellency
the Lord Vifcount Townlhend is willing to confer
upon me in the fame manner as the Earl of Chef-
terfield.
(r) Much GermaJt pride and Irijh b}u7ider.'\ — The
Germans are fuppofed in general to be a proud peo-
ple : Julius Caefar, snd Mr. Nugent, give them this
charatter. The Irifli are very unjuftlv charged for
a particular talent in blundering ; bat it is well
known, that no people exprefs themfelves in their
native tongue, the Englifh, v/ith more perfpicuity
and precifion. The Dean of St. Patrick's, who the'
born
The B A T C H E L O R. 351
Which patriots, courtiers, ftill expofes,
Miftaking both their wit and nofes. (f )
No brain but his cou'd e'er contain
Stories fo vapid, old and vain ;
So
born and bred in Ireland, always declared himfelf,
vi^hen fober, to be an Englilhman. It will nor, I hope,
be confidered as prefumption, that I add the authori-
ty of my Journal, which is confidered as a ftandard
of our language ; whereas I have always confulted
the particular property of di£tion, and may be bold
to challenge any author now extant, for fuch a va-
riety of tra£ts, written in fo unbleniifhed a purity^
without any abbreviation of terminations, and a-
bounding in the heft chofen epithets.
(f ) Mijiaking both their ivit and no/es."] This
hereby referreth to the knights putting the fpeech
of one member of parliament into the mouth of
another by miftake, which was not fair play ; and
likewife alludeth to the old cuftom of formerly
reckoning members of parliament in voting, by
their nofes j but as this occalioned divers mis-
takes, when the tellers, were not fliarp-fighted
enough, and could not lee thofe members that
had fmall or no nofes, and fometimes reckoned
thofe that had large ones for two, it was there-
fore aboliilied, and members are now counted by
their bodies, which is generally larger, and pre-
venteth all confufion. — A particular a(5t of par-
liament was made in favour of the nofe, called.
The Coventry-a6t, to prevent its being cut off,
and other accidents with impunity. — The famous
Mr. Quin, the comedian, with whom I was likewife
acquainted, advifed a friend who was fubjeft to be
pulled by the nofe, to foap it, whereby it might
efcape and flip through the fingers, this not being
forbid in the Coventry-a<^.
352 The B A T C H E L O R.
So Plutarch tells of poifon cold.
Which alFes hoof alone can hold.
Humour and mirth no more are found.
For C II calls a gloom around.
Lethargic dullnefs loads each eye,
Ev'n dunces pleafe, when C ll's by !
Thus, funfhine, fparks from flint conceals.
Which darknefs of the nip^ht reveals.
In Pliny's learned page it's found, (s)
That lightning cannot fea-calves wound ; (t)
Congenial is the dunce's matter.
Callous to wit and pointed fatire.
Unfatisfy'd with nonfenfe faid.
He's now refolv'd to read us dead.
With pamphlets naufeating he'll puke us.
On Lord May 'r's feafts and Doctor Lucas, (u)
He
(s) In Pliny'' s learned page, y^.] — Pliny wrote
many books, and was killed by Mount Vefuvius
falling upon his head, though he always wore a pil-
low faftened to the top of his wig, to fave him
from that accident.
(t) That lightning cannot fea-calves ijuound.^ — An
animal that feldom appeareth on our fea-coafts, un-
lefs to fifiiermen in the main ocean.
(u) On Lord May'' rs feafcs and DoSior Lucas.'] —
a very remarkable apothecary, and member of par-
liament. He h'ved on Ormond-quay, in Dublin, at
the fign of Boyle's-Head, who was a famous drug-
gift. He was baniflicd from Ireland by a vote of the
Houfe of Commons, which confined him to New-
gate. He returned ro his native country by the fpe-
cial mercy of his Majefty, whom he hath always
continued to oppofe (for his good) in two parlia-
ments, where he reprefenteth the city of Dubh'n.
This
The B A T C H E L O R. 353
He fings of beggars blind and dark,
Like fonie old fnuffling parifli clerk :
For
This gentleman unfortunately died between the dif-
ferent edi ions of this work, which prevented that
accident being mentioned at firft. Being one of his
conftituents, and having a fcarf at his funeral, rid-
ing in my chariot, v/hicli I borrowed from one of
the fheriffs, when the greatell peers and patriots
walked on foot, 1 thought it my duty to celebrate his
memory by the following pailoral Dirge, which I
fent to the Freeman's Journal, of Saturday Nov. 9,
1771, which I knew it would pleafe the Dodor to
have it inferted in his favourite paper, under the
title of Corydon.- — The reader will obferve that I
have taken notice of the miferable diftrefied, dif-
trafted fymproms in which the Doctor has left the
kingdom in general, no cocks crowing night or morn-
ing, nor violets or prirarofes blowing in our plea-
fure gardens, the Dodtor having died when King
William was born, it being the fourth of Novem-
ber, 1771.
Sacred to the memory of Dodor Charles Lucas.
I.
Come every Nymph and every Swain,
Every Dryad of the Plain,
Ye Naiads from your Streams emerge
Join me in the mournful Dirge.
II.
Tune your Reeds to folemn found,
With cyprefs ftrew the hallow'd ground.
For ah ! your faithful Corydon
To the Elyfian field is gone.
III.
354 The B A T C H E L O R.
For (lanzas vile he racl^s his brain.
And vainly mimicks Howard's ftrain !
He writes, he hobbles, bows, and leers,
To gain a feat among the peers j
And
III.
See the prlmrofe droops it's head
The violets flide, the daify's dead j
Each flower in forrow dies away,
The kids and lambkins ceafe to play.
IV.
The tuneful race in ev:ery grove
Negleft their fong, ncgleft their love.
The village cock forgets to crow,
And grief fits perch'd on every brow.
V.
Hark the follemn telling bell,
Rings his laft, his funeral knell :
See the weeping train approach.
The black plumed hearfe and fable coach.
VI.
Lo lerne by his fide
Fainting mourns her greateft pride,
Sighing o'er his dear remains,
Her beautious cheek with forrow ftains !
VII.
Tune your reeds to folemn found,
"With myrtle ftrew the hallow'd ground.
For ah ! your faithful Corydon
To the Elyfian (liades is gone.
The B A T C H E L O R. 355
And ev'ry abje£l art he tries.
To prove he's qualify'd to rife.
With panegyric he befpatters,
Degrading him he meanly flatters.
Ah ! purblind knight ! thy arts mifplac'd,
Think better of a Townfhend's tafte :
Fools only will fuch praife affume.
As Hottentots think greafe — perfume.
Mark v/ith what eafe his brain creates
Speeches nt'tr /poke ^ mifcall'd Debates,
'Till at the goddefs Dulnefs' fummons.
He makes one C U of the commons, (v)
Thou, Hutchinfon, (w^ whom every mufe
With winning grace and art endues,
Whofe power 'gainft prejudice contends
And proves that law and wit are friends,
In that promifcuous page alone
By letters J, H. H. art known.
In
(v) He makes one C // of the commons.']
Doubts having arifen how the deficient vowels are
to be filled up, I confulted feveral friends : my ne-
phew Todd imagineth it meaneth caudle, a liquor
drank by lying-in ladies, as it is compofed of feve-
ral mixtures : (I think it beft when It is ftrong of
the white-wine.) Mr. Croker very ingenioufly
hinteth, he makes one cnrtfull of the commons ;
that is the commons all move together In the fame
machine. I think, with fubmiffion to better judg-
ments, that the word dunghill removeth all difficul-
ties, and correfponds exadlly with the author's
meaning, and with every thing but the text.
(w) Right Hon. John Hely Hutchinfon, Prime
Serjeant and Member for the city of Corke.
356 The B A T C H E L O R.
In ihee Malone (x), the nation's boaft,
Precifion, law, and fenfe are loft.
Andrews (y) who knows with various fkill,
To rule the pafllons at his will.
Who like a wife muHcian feizes.
The tone which beft his audience pleafes.
Wonders to find Vivaldi funk
To a vile fcraper blind and drunk.
How oft on polifh'd Ofborne's (z) tongue
Pleas'd the attentive Senate hung ?
While parties emuloufly ftrove
Which moft fhould praife, what all approve.
Now view him in thj^faithlefs ftrain
Pert, peevifh, and peplexed as M ne. (a)
Gifborne (b) who fays — ^juft what he ought.
Who weighs, condenfes every thought,
Whofe logick, fadtion can controul.
And ftrikc convidion to the foul j
With
(x) Right Hon. Anthony Malone, Member for
the county of Weftmeath.
(y) Right Hon. P'rancis Andrews, Provoft of Tri-
nity-college, and Adember for Londonderry.
(z) Right Hon. Sir William Ofbone, Bart, one of
the Commiflioners of the Revenue, and Member for
the borough of Dungarvan.
(a) Sir William M e, Bart, lately a Privy-
Counfellor, and at prefent Member for Carysfort.
He is fuppofed to underftand hand-writing and ac-
compts as well as any book-keeper in Meath-ftreet,
he is very fond of cyphering and arithmetic, and
every day wanteth to know more of them.
(b) Major General James Gilborne, Member for
Lifmore.
The BATCHELOR.
357
With energy no longer pleafes,
But worfe than bablingCr— m~r teazes. (c)
Think falfe retailer how each fprite.
Will haunt thy flumbers every night.
While thefe dread founds invade thine ear
And chill thy confcious foul v^'ith fear.
*' Where's Pery's (d) deep ironic fenfe ?
*' Where Flood's (e) impetuous eloquence?
** Where witty Har ward's (f) well-timed
" jeft ?
** In thy cold tale fo ill exprefs'd ?
" Where
(c) John Cramer, Efq; Member for the borough
of Belturbet, and feventh coufin to the E 1 of
L— s— h.
(d) Right Hon. Edmond Sexton Pery, Speaker
of the Houfe of Commons, and Member for the
City of Limerick.
(e) Henry Flood, Efq; Member for the borough
of Callan
(f) The late Counlellor William Harward,
Member for the borough of Lanefborcugh, he v/as
remarkable for wit and humour, and told many
pleafant ftories and fprightly bon mots, viz. feeing
once an officer of the Light Infantry who was very
little with a large plume of feathers in his cap (faid
the Counfellor) " If he had but a cork in his tail
" one might make a Suttle-cock of him." and at
another time meeting a young 'Squire who was juft
returned from abroad, and very conceited, " He is"
(laid the Counfellor) " fomething like my grey cir-
** cuiteering horfe, the worfe for travelling." Thefe
bon mots my friends tell me, are not to be compar- .
ed with fome of my own, viz. what I faid to the
gentleman who was angry at being killed by my
- Journal,
358 The B A T C H E L O R.
•* Where Langriflie, (g) French, (h) and
" Brownlow, (i) gone ?
*' Where the bright flame of Hamilton ? (k)
" Dull Chymift !— all exhal'd and fled !
— Thy caput niortuum in their ftead. —
But whither, Clio, wou'dfl thou rove ?
Fond thy defcriptive pow'r to prove,
Refume the theme, refign'd too long,
Let How^ard's praife conclude the fong.
Maecenas puff'd by ev'ry quill, (1)
Sits higheft on the three-fork'd hill :
And lives for ever by the praife
In Horace's and Virgil's lays (m) Yet
Journal, which will be feen further on in thefe an-
notations, alfo to the Eirl of Chefterfield, on faid
Earl's complaining that the letter and paper of my
Journal v/ere not of different colours, with many
others too tedious to inlert.
(g) Hercules Langriflie, Efq; Member for the
borough of Knoftopher.
(h) Robert French, Efq; Member for the town
of Galway.
(i) Right Hon. William Brownlow, Member for
the county of Armagh.
(k) Right Hon. William Gerard Hamilton, Efq;
Chancellor of the Exchequer, and Member for Kil-
lybegs, in the late parliament.
(1) Maecenas puff'd by ev'ry quillP^ — Caius Qinius
Mscenas a great lover of learning, and learned
men. For his hiftory, and that of the Emperor
Auguftus, and the v/hole policy of his reign, fee
Littleton's Dictionary.
(m) In Horace's and VirgiVs lays."] They are
both to be had, from the hours of eight in the
morning till tv/elv€ at night, at my fliop in Parli-
ament-ftreet. *
I have
The B A T C H E L O R. 359
Yet not one ftanza of his own
Has made the poet's patron known.
\yhile Howard to unborrow'd fame,
By his own works afferts his claim :
Then let a double wreath reward
The mufe's patron and their bard.
I have now gone through the feveral pafTages of
this admired poem, which I thought required any
illuftration or comment, and the reader will judge
how far I am qualified for the duty of a commenta-
tor J though the fuccefs I have ah'eady met with
in that capacity, leaveth me Httle room to doubt
of the public indulgence. It would hz ungrateful,
did I not take this public opportunity of returning
my thanks to the many learned friends who have
favoured me with their afiiftance in this arduous
undertaking: they are fuch a catalogue of names
as would do honour to the greateft v/its of antiqui-
ty J and the man who can boa ft of the friendihip
of Mr. Dane, fixth-clerk ; Mr. Dexter, keeper of
the Four-Courts Marilialfea ; MefT. Kavanagh and
Croker, attorneys at law ; Mr. Thomas Mullock,
notary-publick, in Skinner-row ; and alderman
Emerfon, of the Spinning-wheel, Caftle-ftreet ;
need not be afiiamed of putting his name to any
work, in which they have been his coadjutors. My
nephew, Thom.as Todd, has been fo often menti-
oned in thefe notes, that 'tis unneceflary to fay
any thing in his praife, further, than that he is an
acute critic, a great traveller, and I have always
found him very faithful and diligent in his duty,
as my foreman. To him, therefore, this work is
infcribed, by
His fmcere friend, and paternal uncle,
GEORGE FAULKNER.
FINIS.
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