NiA JTY THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES a- SELECT ESSAYS, FROM THE BATCHELOR; OR, SPECULATIONS OF Jeoffry Tf^agftaffe, Efq. DUBLIN: Printed by James Hoey, jun. at the Mercury m Parliament-ftreet. M,DCC,l.XXII. i2>46 T O Arthur Dawson, Efq. ^HESE felea Effays are infcribed, by the Ad- mirer of his Witj and dif- tinguiftied Abilities, Jeoffry Wagflaffe. Dublin, z^tb O^ober, 1772. CONTENTS. No I. JT^AGSTJFFE's letter to Beckfont, '^ on Mr. Baker'' s method of curing cows, N° z. On travelling, N° 3. Predi^ions for the year 1771. N° 4. Nicholas WeJVs letter, to the Rev. Mr. Bax- ter, at Corke, nvith an account of the mi- racles performed at Dr. Lucas's tomb. N° 5. Peter Sceptic's anfnxier. N° 6. Defence of Free-thinking. N" 7. Imitation of the 2i,th Ode of the \Jl Book of Horace, addrejfed to the Right Hon. J — n P—nf hy, Efq\ N° 8. Fffay on credulity. N" 9. Account of the Swaddlers religious tenets. N° 10. Phocion's letter to Mr. P — a f ■ ■'■ hj, on the fuljeSi of a land-tax. N° II. Rujlicus's letter, on the fame fuhjeS. N° 1 2. Phocion's letter to Arthur Bayley, Efq; ivith a defence of Mr. P nf hy. N° 13. Phocion's letter to the Earl of B—fi gh. N° 14. CharaBers of Fervdus and Fucofus, nvith Mrs. Gre'vilWs Ode on Indifference. N° 15. Parthenid's Pinchbeck's letter to Wagjiaffey &c. N° 16. A Defence of Cuckoldom, with a dedication to the Female Coterie, N° 17. Criticifm on Junius, 'with a comparifon he- tvjeen him and Sivift, a 2 N° 18. vl CONTENTS. N° 18. Ant ipot aloe's letter from Tipperary, proving^ that all the national grievances are produ- ced by potatoes. N° 19. Ofi the modern notions cf politenefs, and the refinement of manners. N° 20. Phocion\ criticifm on "Junius'" s fiyle. N° 2 1 . Account of the debates in the Houfe. N° 2 2. Panegyrical verfesy addrejjed to H ry Fl d. N° 23. Punches letter, and fong, on the appointment of the Ne-iv Board of Excife. N° 24. Account of the epidemic difeafes in the Senate. N° 25. ^evedo's 'vijion, on a Jcheme for the coalition of parties f by a chirurgical operation on the occiputs. N° 26. Imitation of the i 2th Ode of the \Ji Book of Horace. N° 27. ^eer-toiun, a political dialogue. N° 28. Account of the Robin- Hood Society ^ ijuith the members fpeeches . N° 29. Continuation of the debates, N° 30. A Paftoral Ballad. N° 3 1 . Refolutions of the Robin-Hood Society, N° 32. A modern Ode, on the infiallation of Sir Ch s C te, K. cf the B . N°. 33' A Panegyrick on Dr. Ronvley, nvith an ex- traQ from his Effay on the Plague. N° 34. Epigram, on the fecond converfion of Father J n F — tzg ns, vjith a Comment. N° 35 • Biogenesis 'vindication of Dr. Lucat's private Chara(3er. N° 36. Defence of his political condu^ by Diogenes. N° 37. Verfes, to the memory of Lady lonjjnjhend. N° 38, Balladi onDi^Lucat: Air, Hey my Kitten. N° 39. CONTENTS. va N° 39. Epijile to R—b i J-^ph «, J^j N° 40. BroghilVs an/aver to Sinder combe. N** 41. Verax, to J n P — »/ by, Efq; N° 42. A Sketch of the Political Hijiory of Lord Touunjhend's Adminifiration. N° 43. Speculator's EJfay on Lord Sancho's Chara^er and Temper. N° 44. Account of the debates in the Houfe of Com- mons, on the legality of the Neiu Board of Exclfe. N'' 45. VeSiigal, on the management of the Revenue. K" 46. Patriotifm : An Ode. 1*J° 47. Sketches for Caracatures. N° 48. On the wonderful effeJis of the Finland uueed. N° 49. Danjid Hume's letter y on the Irijh conjiitution, in anfnxjer to Jean Jacques Roujfeau. N° 50. Attild's letter on party ivriiing. N° 5 X . Prologue to the Plain Dealer, as altered from Wycherly. N° 52. Verfes addrefed to G. E. H. Efq-, N° 53. Verax' s Defence of Lord To^njhend's Admi- niflration. " Kiffes : A Poem. N° 54. Epifle to Gorges Edmond Ho'ward, Efq', 'witb Notes by Alderman Faulkner, THE BATCHELOR. NUMBER I. " Mr. John Wynn Baker, F.R.S.havirg praftil'ed, with the great- " ell fuccelf, a method o! preventing the fatal efFefts attending *' cattle when fwelled with eating clover, does, at the dcfne " of the Dublin Society, invite any number of gentlemen of " the difFeieut counties, to attend at his houfe at Laughlin'- " town, near Celb.idge,eaily on Tuefday the izth of this intt. " June, 177 I, when he will, for the faiisfadlion and informa- " tion of the public, ftiew them the certain good confequen- " ces aiifing from the above method, by turning a beaft or " two in perfed health into clover, in order to Iwell them, " and he will then inftantaneoufly relieve them according to " his method, in the preience of fuch gentlemen as may be " upon theifot. — Any farmer or poor man who has cattle, " (hall be welcome to attend the opera'tion." From the fever al Dublin papers. To the right hon. WILLIAM BECKFORD, Efqj Loid Mayor of London. My Lord, Y charadter in the literary world, ^"^ mult be my apology to yourlord- fhip for the freedom of this ad- drefs. — Let me therefore recom- mend to your ferious attention, ihe ingenious Mr. Baker's me- thod of curing cows which have been furfeited by feeding on clo- As the gradation between the horned fpecies B and ver. 2 The B A T C H E L O R. and ALDERMEM IS fcarcc perceptible, I fancy thart gentleman might be of infinite fervice at the London Tavern. I am fo well acquainted with your patriotifni and public fpiiit, that I depend, with confidence, on your lordfhip's patronage in favour of Mr. Baker by your animating encouragement, the arts and fciences flourlfli in all parts of the Britilh empire. Let it be your boaft, my lord, to call forth merit from obfcuri- ty. Mr. Baker is now fulely employed in preferv- ing the lives of a few Irish cov/s, (that deferve to fufFer for their gluttony) when I fincerely think, without any compliment, that preferving half a do- zen patriotic aldermen, is of more confequence to the community. Your lordPnip Is wife from experience; you have feen much of the world, and therefore muft know, that the feafon for green peafe, and other flatulent vegetables, is fatal to many of your brethern, and caufcs many vacancies at your council hoard. At this critical period, my lord, the fudden deaths of men of genius, may be attended with pernicious . cfFeds : the pillars of our conftitution may be fnatched away by a difh of artichokes, and a plate of beans nay occafion the fall of our ftocks. I therefore humbly entreat your lordfhip to call a meeting of the Livery of London, to draw up an addrefs and petition to the Dublin Society, that they mav inftanily order Mr. Baker to attend you : ft will fignaiife the sra of your lorddiip's mayoralty to lateft pofterity, if you exert your influence to pro- cure that genileman an adequate pen/ton out of the city rtiiemies. Mr. The B A T C H E L G R. Mr. Baker's method of curing cows is by intro- ducing the point of a knife between their ribs. — Do not be alarmed, my lord, it is no more than the prick of a lancet I affure you. — Call him then from this fordid employment, and let him exert his (kill for the prefervation of his own fpecies. Let it be his conftant bufinefs to attend at every turtle feaft with his chirurgical knife, and when any of the guefts (hew the leall: fyraptoms of indigeftion, let him pro- ceed to bufinefs. The wind confined by repletion, •which often occafions apoplexies, vertigoes, and other aldermanic complaints, will inftantly evaporate, and leave the patient in perfcQ health. — A familiar inftance, will brighten your lordihip's perception, and give you a clearer idea of this operation, than a tedious phyfical difcuflion. In the courfe of your lordfhip's obfervations, you mufl often have feen a vent-peg applied to a calk of porter to prevent its burfting ; the cafe is exaSly fimilar, and, indeed, I heard a great natural philofopher (L d M -a, F. R. S.) fay that Mr Baker took the hint from this trivial circumftance, like Sir Ifaac Newton, who founded his noble fyftem of attradlion on obferving an apple fall to the ground. It is Dodor Swift's opinion, " that whoever *' could make two ears of corn, or two blades of *' grafs to grow upon a fpot of ground where only *♦ one grew before, would deferve better of man- *' kind than the whole race of politicians." This Mr. Baker can efFc£t, my lord ; but what infinitely is more interefting to your lordlhip, and the whole livery, he can alfo enable every citizen to eat ttvf cuftards inftead of one, without any danger of burft- B z ing. 4 The B A T C H E L O R. ing. — Sure!/ then he deferves to be amply re- warded i Time, my lord, has introduced a ftrange revolu- tion in the manners of the citizens. In a fannatic age, grievances and api>rehenfions produced farting and mortification ; but your patriots fupport their fpirits by feafting, and eat in proportion to their zeal. —An additional motive, my lord, to encourage Mr. Baker. Mrs. M'AuIey could alfo inform your lordfhip, that the man who had faved the life of a Roman citizen, was rewarded with a Civic crown. Revive this cuftom, my lord, in honour of Mr. Baker, for T dare fay, he will preferve the lives of many illuftrious citizens this feafon. However your lordfhip may be prejudiced againft tlie Irish, I aflure you there are many ingenious inen in this country, who gain a comfortable lively- hood by cutting open the flcins of flieep, and dealing their tallow. The operation is not very dangerous, for thofe gentle animals feed immediately after, with an excellent appetite, and your lordftip knows, that is the furefl: left of a patient's recovery. Now, by Teafoning from analogy, we may fafely conclude, that the fame experiment will equally fucceed on iheep, aldermen, and all lethargic citizens : I there- fore think you fhould engage fome of thofe Heaven- taught furgeons to accompany Mr. Baker. By this iTieans, a large fupply of tallow may be eafily obtain- ed, and the price of candles fpeedily reduced ; and thus your lordrtiip will enjoy the heart-felt fatisfac- tlon of redrefling one of the national grievances, ■without hazarding a revolution. It is my boaft, my lord, and I glory in the invention, that I am the firll projector, who ever pointed out a rational fcheme to lender the fat of the citizens of fervice to the nati- on. The B A T C H E L O R. S on. — This gives unfpeakable fatisfadlion, as an over- grown, unwieldy citizen has long been a fubjeft of Ridicule ; for Cato jefting on one of the aldermen of Rome, afked, of " what ufe a body could be to the " republic, that was all belly ?" I hope your lordfhip will approve of my propofal ; fuch a generous encouragement of the natives of this kingJom, will do you great honour, and will moft effeftually expofe the talfity and feverity of Mr. Kelly's refleftirns on your lordfhip, for mention- ing his countrymen with feeming difrefpe(5t. You have been accufed of ill nature and cruelty, yet I dare fay, if you had Mr. Kelly among your herd of (laves in Jamaica, you would give him moft convin- cing proofs of your lenity and moderation. He alfo infinuates, that good-nature fhould compofe one part of your lordfhip's charaQer, becaufe folly is the pro- per foil for that milky plant to grow in: but poets, my lord, ate feldom good philofophers. — Goofe- greafe, indeed, is endued with a healing medicinal quality ; but Mr. Kelly Ihould not draw too hafty a conclufion from this, and expe£t to find good-nature and folly always united in the fame perfon. I am, with refpe£l, My lord, Your lordfhip's moft obedient, humble fervant, Y JEOFFRY WAGSTAFFE. B 3 No. 2. The -B A T C H E L O R. NUMBER II. S'il pajfe chez V Anglois ; citoyen de tiTverne, Impudent, crapuleux ce cynique moderney Gagnera les defauts de cette nation : Bizarre Iff fmgulier par affedation, 11 fera "vanit'e d' etaler fa folie. Dieti nious garde Jur tout, pour comble de mantey Slu'il ne s'anjife un jour d' avoir le fplen par goaty Et po-ujfant V Anglicifme infenfement d kout. Pour prowver qiCil a bien profit's du fvoya^ e, II ne fe pende ici a la fleur de fan age. Philosophe de Sans Souci. To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. SIR, IL A TEL Y rpent an evening with fome young gentlemen juft returned from their travels ; the converfation made fo ftrong an impreffion on me, that I am refolved to make it the fubjeft of a letter. What difgufted me mod, was their aukward at- tempts to mimick that agreeable livelinefs, fo natural and pleafing in that gay and volatile people, the French: for I have obferved, that extreme vivacity among my countrymen, is generally a fign of heavy intelleds ; the fpirits feem to be diiTipated and quartered in the limbs, for want of employment in the head. Inftcad of fenfe or fancy in converfation, they fubllitute a pert, forward manner of addrefs, and a peremptory, decifive manner of declaring their fentinienis. When I aflced thefe gentlemen any queftions Tlie B A T C H E L O R. 7 queftlons about the manners, or police of the coun- tries they had vifited, their anfwers v/ere larded with fo many pretty French and Italian words, that they were quite unintelligible. I was fometimes malicious enough to puzzle them, by defiring an explanation of thofe exotic phrafes which they in- troduced to embellirn,and enrich our rude language; but I foon found they had no ideas annexed to the words : /=■ bon ten and la belle ttfage figniued fomc- thing they could neither conceive nor exprefs. They feemed enamoured with French govern- ment, becaufe the privileges of the nobkjfe fecured them from the infolence of the vulgar, and the pen- alties of a Crown-office. I ventured to fay, it was the peculiar happinefs of our country, that the laws made no ditlinQion of perfons, but generoufly pro- tected the loweft individual from the infolence, and caprice of the higheft ; and to add weight to my fentiments, quoted the opinion of a celebrated Frenchman, who made this very principle the bafis of political freedom. I was anfwerered with a pro- fufion of fafhionable jargon, about gentlemen, men of honour, &c. " That their difcretion was always •' fufficient to reftrain them from doing any thing " improper ; but if a tradefman or chaiiman was " Impudent, it was very heard that a gentleman ♦• might not chaftize him, or on an extraordinary oc- " cafion, run him through with impunity ; as fuch " an e(iahlifl:ed right had done great fervice in '• France, and was the principal means of civilizing " the commonalty, and enduing them w^ith VipoliteJJt, " which the gentry of thefe barbarous countries " could fcarce attain." This was urged with (o much modefty and good fenfe, that I had nothing to reply, and fo gave up the argument. B4 The 8 The B A T C H E L O R. The French, in general, were reprefented by our young travellers, as a nation of wits ; but it writ eafy to fee they had only formed a fuperficlal opini- on from appearances, and miftook that vivacity with which a Frenchman will a(k the mofl; indiffer- ent queftion, for wit. I faid we were frequently deceived in this matter, by not pioperly dillingui/h- ing between wit and vivacity j the latter being often found blended with ftupidity, and very confident with it ; as quick filver, though fo 'very volatile, is yet heavier than lead. I found this remark was conftrued into an oblique reflection, at which, in- deed, I was not much difpleafed ; however, I took my leave, and I believe our parting v/as very agree- able on boih fides. I remember being in company fome years ago where a young fellow made himfelf very ridiculous by his talkative inipertinence, who had been remark- able before he went abroad, for fheepiftnefs and want of fpirir. Soon after, the converfaiion turned on the abfurdity of fending fuch boobies to ftare away their time, and pick up the foibles and abfuidi- ties of every country they vifit. A young lady, (the late IVIifs Trevor,) diftinguiflied for her fpri^htly fan- cy, obferved, ♦' That travelling was of infinite ufe to *' them, as it heightened ihi:ir feif conceit, andchang- ** ed them from lethargic blockheads, into prating *' coxcombs } it improves them as bottling does fmall •* beer, which then becomes brifk, without growing *' llronger." I am fure feveral of thefe ingenious youths are obliged to this lady, for pointing out with fo much good fenfe and humour, an improvement, which to do them juftice, they feldoni mifs acqui- ring by their ttaveb Ok The B ATCHELOR. On the other hand, travelling gives that enje and polifli to a man of fenfe and learning, tvhich nothing elfe can fupply. A judicious mixture of thofe refin- ed manners in which our neighbours excell, add a grace and brilliancy to every folid accomplifhment, and compleat what may be juftly called the fine gen- tleman. : — as our weavers ufe wool of a finer growth than our native fleeces, to carry the. manu- fadure to its utmoft perfedion.. The true ufe of travelling is finely exemplified by the penetrating Helvetius, in the following; anecdote. The regent Duke of Orleans, afking a gentleman, " What charafleriftlcal mark- diftin- " guifhed the various nations of Europe," received this anfwer. " I Ihall juft repeat to your highnefs the different queftions which are allied when a' ftranger firft makes his appearance In public : the Spaniard enquires, h he a nobleman of the fir J} rank?' The German, h he entitled to he prefent at the elec- tion of an Emperor ? The French, h he ivell recei'v- td at court ? The Dutch, Horn many thoufands is he luorth P The Englifh, What fort of a man is he .*"* It is the property of genius to dilplay the characters, of a people by traits, imperceptible to common un- derilandings, — What a noble eulogium on the Bfltifh. conftiluiion, does the laft quellion convey } A free and generous people will etleem a man according to his intrinfic merit, and are not to be dazzled by the falls, and meretricious glare of rank and fortune. Stuck round ivith titles, or hun^ round iviih JlrinpSf That thou mayeji he, by kings, or ivhores of kings. B 5 I fliall lo The B A TC HE LOR. T fhall conclude with a few lines on this fubjecl, *vriiten by the prefent Lord Lytlletcn ; they coine with peculiar grace and propriety fiom a nobleman, wliofe precepts and exauiple are equally beautiful and inftrudive. " Me other cares, in other climes engage, *' Cares that become my birth, and fuit my age j ♦• In various knowledge to improve my youth, *' And conquer prejudice, worft foe to truth ; " By foreign arts, domeitic faults to mend, *' Enlarge my notions, and my views extend ; " The ufeful fcience of the world to knov/, " Which books can never teach, or pedants fliew. " A nation here I pity and admire, •* Whom nobleft fentiments of glory fire, *' Yet taught by cuftom's force, and bigot fear, *' To ferve with pride, and boafi: the yoke they " bear: •' Whofe nobles born to cringe, and to command, " In courts a mean, in camps a gen'rous band ; " From each low tool of pow'r content receive, " Thofe laws their dreaded arms to Europe give. " Whofe people vain in want, in bondage bleft, ** Though plunder'd gay, induftrious though op- " prefs'd : ** With happy follies rife above their fate, " The jeft and envy of each wifer ftate." Y No. 2. The BATCHELOR. ii NUMBER III. Multa fuerant in eo anno prodigia. To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. Livv. My clear and mu:h honoured Coufmt IN my former letter, which you honoured with a' place among your Speculations, I mentioned that I had in my poffefiion a nianufcript volume on aftro- logy, written by our kinfiiian Ilaac BickerftafF, Efq;, of famous memory. On looking over this book lately, I found the following lines, which feem to me to be a fort of predidion or prophecy, compleated in the prefent times. Whoever will confult his faaous predidions for the year 1708, can hardly doubt of his (kill : his Merlin's prophecy is alfo a mafter- piece ; fo that I think he may be juflly ranked- amongll the firft aftroiogers. I have attempted fome notes or annotations, by way of illudration, which I entirely fubmit to your judgment, to infert or not. I am, dear Jeoffry, Your afTcdtionate kinfman, ALBERT LONG STAFF.- Bickerstaff's Predictions for the year 1771. TWICE feven, twice one Hiall be the year, In which new wondeis iiiall appear ; The 12 The B ATCHELOR. The flars Hiall bend their whole defigns, To drive out Leo from the figns ; Fach (lialt exert the hotteft zeal. And all pretend the Zodiac's wea!. Behold the Ram with afpeft horrid, Againft the Lion hutts his for'head ; And ainris to fracture Leo's flcull, Atfifted by his colleague Bull. The Gemini prepare for arms, E'en Virgo's breafl: with ardour warms: ■Cancer attempts to claw his tail, And Libra wields the beam and fcale. See Scorpio all his venom dart, S^gittar' points at Leo's heart ; Wbilll that old cuckold Capricorn, Advances fiercely with his horn. Aquarius pours his watry flood. And Pifces quit their native mud. Nor aught their efforts (hall avail, The valiant Lion fliall prevail j No monfter after in the Iky, Shall dare with him his ftrength to try : Cover'd with fhame and foul difgrace. Each rebel fign fhall hide his face. Explanatory Notes. (i) Tiuicefe'Tjen, tivice one.] This line defcrlbes the lime when thefe events (hall happen, and mani- feftly point out to us the prefent year. (3) The pars Jhiill bend, i^c] This and the three fol- lowing lines contain the fubftance of the whole pre- diction. They are plainly defcriptive of the prefent diftradions which prevail in a certain country, and of that falfe fpiiit of mock patriotifra by which a fet of The B ATCHELOR. 13 of defigning obfcure men, dupe the people for their own wicked purpofes. The driving out Leo from the figns, certainly points out thofe levelling gentle- men, who aim not only to deftioy all kingly pov/er, but even to overturn the conllitution. (6) Behold the Ram.] This is certainly John Wilkes, Efq ; publiflier of the EfTay on Woman, ti- tular member for Middlefex, alderman and flierifF of London. The mention of his colleague Bull, puts this matter beyond difpute. Befides, I am informed that in this kingdom, Johnny Ram is the common nick-name for a thief, a rafcal, and a rogue. (12) E'en Virgo's hreajl-l This muft undoubted- ly be Mrs. Catharine Macauly, a great party writer in favour of licentioufnefs. But how fhe can be called a virgin, I own is beyond my fkili to account for. (13) Cancer attempts to claiv.] Here the predic- tion feems to fhift the fcene. The ram, &c. attack the lion in front, and the crab in the rear : I am therefore inclined to think, that by Cancer is meant fome old crazed (lirrer up of fedition, who crawls on all-four like a crab. As Wilkes is the ram, Lucas muft be the crab; and as the one attacks government in the front, that is, in England ; Co the other claws it in the tale, which is Ireland. (14) Lihra ivieUs.] This is fome what obfcure: but in my opinion, the perfon here hinted at is J. P. who fo long held the fcales as Lord Juftice, and at laft overturned the balance, by throwing in too much of his own felf-confequence and felf-intereft. (15) Set 14 The B A T C H E L O R. (i 5) See Scorpio all.] Here the Freeman's Journal is plainly pointed out : the Lady's Rod, at the head of that paper, is conipofed of fcorpions, which fpit their venom at none but chief governors, and the friends of government. (16) Sagittarius points.] This line Is foniewhat difficult to explain: we muft therefore have recourfe to conjeflure, and fuppofe that by this is meant a perfon, who formerly had the care of fome artillery, and perhaps was turned out on account of an unrea- Ibnable oppofition. The next line is {till more diffi- cult, as there are now fo many cuckolds in the world J therefore the reader is welcome to make what application he pleafes. (19) Jqitarius pours.] Here muft be implied fome orator, whofe declamation falls like a fpout, and at the fame time avails no more than luater Jpilled upon the ground. (20) And Pifces quitP\ Thefe mud-fifh muft be eels, and fignify thofe flippery chaps, called, Inde- pendent Men, or men that cannot be depended on, by any party. They are generally men of obfcure birth, mean parts, and no principles. Thefe mute fifties can only be made vocal from difappointed am- bition, or the hopes of gain. [zi) Nor aught their efforts.] By thefe laft h"nes the prophetic fpirit of my coufin Ifaac foretels, that after all this buftle, they may be all quieted like the bees in Virgil. Pul'ueris exigui ja3u compreffa quiefcunt. And I believe our own experience will tell us, that nothing •will lay the turbulent fpirit of pattiotifm fo effeflu- ally, The B ATCHELO R. 15 ally, as places and penfions thrown out amongft the nioit furious zealots, when the fever of faction is hiehefl upon them. W NUMBER IV. To the rev. Mr. William Baxter, at Ccrke. Dear fir, YO U defire me to give you an account of the moft remarkable occurrences in our metropo- lis. The tflfk is eafily performed : politics, and the Epillle to Mr. Howard, with alderman Faulknei's notes *, have at laiT: given place to a much more ex- traordinary fubjedt ; I mean the miracles done in the church of St. Michan's, by the relics of the late DoiEtor Charles Lucas, now known by the name of Saint Charles. You know it is the perfuafion of all men of fenfe and learning, that the miraculous pow- ers have been withdrawn from the world ever fince the time of the apoftles. The many crafts and im- pofitions which have been pradtifed by churchmen, for the purpofes of policy and private intereft;, have brought the opinion of fupernatural agencies into general difcredit. No one was a more confirmed infidel than myfelf, in refpedt to all fuperftitions ; and had an account of thefe miracles come down traditionally from any former time to the prefent, I * That number of the Batchelor, containing the cpiftle •with the notes here mentioned, (hould have been inferted pre- vious to this paper : but being of a great length, we thought it belter to infeil it entire at the end of the volume. ihould i6 The BATCHELOR. (hould have treated them with the fame derifion as the monftrous legends of St. Anthony the monk, or thofe of the Abbe Paris, in the church of St. Medard, at Paris. But being a voucher, by the evi- dence of my own fenfes, in the truth of much of what is fo formally attefled, and having no reafon to doubt the credit of others, who receive them with an equal degree of convidllon, I own I can no longer withhold my affent to them. Wonderous things have been done in the fight of multitudes ; the mi- nifter and churchwardens have fet the parifh feal to their authenticity, and the regilter is prefcrved in which the names of all who have vifited the faint, with the nature of the operation on each, is faithful- ly and exadl'y recorded. The Doftor, as you may fee by the papers, was interred with great funeral pomp on the igth of November, 1771, in the church of St. Michan's : on the day after, his grave was vifited by feveral members of both Houfes of P nt ; not fo much out of refpeft to his memory, nor from any expectation of a miracle, as to make themfelves popular among the common people at prefent, while the city election is depend- ing. The firft appearance of any thing fupernatural was obferved in the perfon of Colonel John P v, who, though generally confined the greateft part of the year by the gout, and unable to move by the ufe of his own limbs for feme time paft, yet was feen to walk fioni Henry-ftreet (the place of the Doc- tor's late refidence) to the church of St. Michan's, without fufferingany prejudice to his health, though the ftreets were very wet and dirty, and the Colonel often obliged to walk above his ancle in the kennel. Moft of the miracles yet wrought have been on the minds. The B ATC HELOR. 17 minds, manners, and underftandings of tbe devotees ; but from this example of the Colonel, 'tis probable the remains may have the fame efficacy on diforders of the body. You have paid many vifits to Bath, and the hot fprings of Italy for your rhcumatifm, to little purpofe ; I wifh you could be prevailed on to try the church of St. Michan's; if it does you no fervice, it can do you no harm, and a journey of an hundred miles is no mighty m.atter. Whatever is your determination let it be fpeedy, for perhaps the miraculous viitue may foon leave the Do£tor's re- mains, never to return, or only on certain anniverfa- ries, fuch as his eleftion for the city ; the pafllng the Odlennlal-bill ; the breaking open of Newgate by the foid'ers in garrifon on Dublin duty, and other favourite asras. On thofe days the crowd will be fo great, preiling to the church, that to efcape with whole bones will be a miracle, almoft as great as any the holy relics can perform. I muft not forget to tell you, that great fums have been already collefled at the church door by the fexton, and that truftees are appointed to fee them properly diftributed, as they fuppofe would be moll agreeable to St. Charles were he living. One moiety is to be divided among the Committees of the Free-Prefs, and the Hiberni- an Journal ; and the other is referved for the fup- port of new feminaries of oratory, on the fame foot- ing with thofe of the Free Debating Society, the Lycseum, and the re(t which are already eftabliflied in this city. I am ever, dear fir, yours, NICHOLAS WEST. Liji i8 The B ATC HELOR. Liji of miracles lurought in the church of St. Michati'sy Dublin^ by the remains of the late Do£lor Charles LucaSi MOiv knoiun by the name of St. Charles. Taken from the parijb regijler, in the cuftody of the tninifer and churchivardens of faid parijh : ixjit- vefedandfealed at the bottom by all the de^votees^ andfigned andfealed at the top. L. S. O Stephen Barrington, Redor, L. S. O Isaac Clancy, 7 -^7 ; ; T c /^ n r. ? Churcbiuardens. L.. b. U D£N. Bradshaw, 3 H y F d, Efq; member of parliament for the borough of C n, after leaving the church of St. Michan's, went diretlly to the Houfe of Com- mons, and fpoke three quarters of an hour to the queftion under confideration, without the lead: per- perfonaliry or inve6live againft the Prime Serjeant, the Att ^rney General, or any friend of the prcfent adminiftration. J P ~, Efq ; late S r, came out of the church at half an hour after a eleven, on the Joth of November, 1771 ; looked as if he was thinking, and made but one promife the v.'hole day, viz. that he would remember his engagement to dinner i which he kept. Counfellor H on, member of parliament, after his return from St. Michan's to the Houfe of Commons, fpoke but one quarter of an hour, and did not mention the pier of Balbriggen. Sir W m M e, Bart, on his way to the .Saint, uoppcd at the fign of the Highlander, on the Blind- The B A TCHELOR. 19 Blind-quay, to buy nine penny worth of fnufF, where he was delayed fourteen minutes, by mifcalculating the change he was to receive out of half a guinea; but before he left the church, to the aftonifliment of a!! prefent, members of parliament, and others, he drew out a table of pence on a flat ftone in the church-yard, with a piece of miraculous chalk, taken from the right toe of the Saint : repeated the multiplication table twice, without a fingle miftake, and afterwards worked two queftions in divifion, with very few errors, before Mr. Daniel Swiney, wriiing-mafter, at the fign of the Hand and Pen,- in Skinner-row. — He is alfo much better of his Scotch accenc, and 'tis not defpaired but by a few more vifits to St. Michan's, he may be perfedtly cured.—When the miracle is accomplilhed, it will be regiftered with the reft. The Lord Vifcount M — 1 — h, who drove at full gallop in a phaeton and four to the church, greatly annoying all pafTengers in the ftreets, at coming out difmifled his equipage, walked foberly home, has fince put on a clean fhirt once a day, and is now dri- ven by his own coachman. The Rev. Dodtor Borrows, immediately after returning from the church, wrote an epigram with a new thought, and fome point in it. His Excellency Lord Townfliend, vifited the church early in the morning on the iith of No- vember, and after his return, did not keep his com- pany waiting dinner, and faid nothing the whole day worthy of being remembered. The Speaker of the Houfe of Commons, after having been at the church, was for a fhoit time per- plexed in deciding a point of order. T 8 20 The B A T C H E L O R. -s L te, Efq ; did not fit in a nich the whole day after his return to the Houfe of Commons, from the Church of St. Michan's. Patrfck Dogherty, Farrier, of the parifli of St. An- drew's, who was born deaf and dumb, on entering the church, was obferved to clinch his fill feveral times, and to ftrike his hand againll his breaft. On touching the body of the Saint, he uttered very dif- tinftly, and with great emphafis, the words Slavery —Impious Tyrants— Corruption — Flagitious Minijiry —Mercenary red Coat Ruffians. On which he was immediately nominated as a proper perfon to be candidate for the city, and it is imagined he will car- ry his eledion. The Earls of B 1 and M a, went together direflly from the church-yard to the Houfe of Lords ; where the former of thefe noblemen, fpoke plain Englifli, ajid the latter fpoke truth. H sL dR y, Efq; was obferved^ to laugh feveral times after he left the church, on reading the Epiftle to G. E. H. Efqj with notes by Alderman Faulkner. The Right Hon. Anthony Malone. on his re- turn from the Saint, could not recollect the name of a witnefs in a Chancery caufe, in which he had been concerned in the year 1750. Sir J s C 1, after leaving the church, took down a fpeech of the Prime Serjeant's, in which many of the words were preferved, and not above half the fubllance omitted. W The BAT CHE LOR. ai W B gh, Efqj debated twice in the Houfe of Commons, after having been in the church, and fpoke no treafon, nor was called to order. The Lords L le, and B fs who pleaded privilege, for being admitted without paying any thing to the door-keeper of St. Michan's, on coming out, gave fix-pence each to a beggar woman with five naked children. The former of thefe Lords on the fame day, threw his old wig into the fire, and the latter made a prefent of his gold cuffs to the play-houfe in Suiock-alley. On the fame day, the Earl of Chailemont having been in the church, gave nothing to a poor man who alked charity, and looked over the articles of a tradefman's bill before he paid it. The Biftiop of————, on the day of his being at church, eat but of one difli, and not more than nii^ht fuffice two men of moderate appetite. The Lord V— — — — t M- is, went Imme- diately from the church to the Houfe of Lords, and made but one quotation, and that was to the purpofe. In my future letters, you may expedl a continua- tion of the catalogue. Z No. 5 22 The BATCHELOR. NUMBER V. Ceptera mendacis, delir amenta catafidPy Ne pueros ipfosy credere pojje rear. Claudii Rutilii Iter. To the renj. Mr. William Baxter, at Corket SI R, YOUR too credulous friend, Mr Nicholas Weft, with an air of funplicity and candour, has given you an account of the miracles performed at St. Michan's church. The many inftances fo folemnly authenticated by the minifter and church- wardens, furnifli another fuperflnous proof of the ftrong propenfity of mankind to the extraordinary and miraculous. — Dodlor Lucas was camnijed by the mere vulgar, long before his death, though he was not known by the name of Saint Charles. Some men of parts, learning, and piety, are too much fwayed by party-prejudice, which prevents their examining this matter with a proper degree of atten- tion. For my part, I am concerned for the honour of my native country : by our foollfh credulity, we fliall at laft render ourfelves as ridiculous as the people of England, who readily fwallow any abfur- dity, and implicitly believe either in a Bottle Con- juror, or a Cock-lane Gh to deftioy a few dealing old women, fufpefted of bewitching a bridegroomj riding to France on a broomftick, and fpoiiing a churning. This adl was only repeated in the reiga of George the firft, tho' long oblolete, from the- niore enlightened manners of the age. The memoirs of the Houfe of Brandenburgh men-' lion one perfon, who was tried and executed for witchcraft at Leipfic in the year 1707. But the pre- judice and folly of the judges, was fet in fo ridicu-- lous a light, by the illuftrious Wolfe and Leibnitz, that it put a final flop to fuch ignorance and barbari- ty. Now, if we were only to regard human te.Hiimo-" ny, what doubt could we have of fadls fo confident- ly afTerted, proved by oath in courts of juflice, and' believed by all Europe. Rut fame phllofophers,. men of fuperior reafon and fagacity, found It necef- fary to fix a ftronger criterion than mere popular credulity, for things fo improbable in themfelves. They required an internal proof, thai is, a proof of the ilory drawn from its probability, and rejeded the- ftrongeft human teftimony, without fuch evidence to confirm it : for inflance, if a perfon in thofe days,- fwore he faw another leap over a mouniain, inftcad of difbelieving the witnefs, they burnt the accufed,,- 2.S they logically concluded, that he mud have per-- foruied- 36 The B A T C H E L O R. formed fuch a feat by fupernatural afliftance ; but never once fufpecSted that it was more probable the llory was a fidion. Yet, by degrees, every body became convinced, that fuch a mode of reafoning was wife andjurt; and the general incredulity on thefe points, foon put a period to the exiftence of witches. Since we have been no longer alarmed from this quarter, a late philofophical genius has ftrove to frighten us with ftrange accounts of the wonderful influence which feparate fplrits have over us ; that it is impofTible for the foul and body to fleep, by any effort to make up a dream between them ; and that we are wholly indebted to fome frolickfome fpi- rits, for thefe nofturnal amufeaients. Thus argues, the ingenious and learned author, of an Enquiry into the Nature of the human Soul. Yet I fhould think, fome of our dreams are grofs enough to proceed from mere matter, and may be fairly accounted for, without the agency of immaterial fpirits. Neither will this author allow, that madnefs can proceed from any natural caufe, but afcribes it to the influ- ence of fome malignant fpirit ; " for," fays he, ' there is, indeed, a great difference and variety in * the phaenomena of reafon ditlurbed ; but univer- ' fally the difeafe could not be lodged in the foul * itfelf ; nor could the matter of the body afFedt it * in any other way, than by deadning its activity, * which I think is never the cafe in thefe appearan- ' ces. In fhort, the diforder of matter, might ' make a man a ftupid ideot, fubje£l him to fleep, * apoplexy, or any thing approaching to its own na- ' ture ; but could never be the caufe of rage, dif- < tradtion, phrenfy, unlefs it were employed as an ' inilrument by fome other caufe; /. e. it cannot of •< itfelf The B A T C H E L O R. 3? *' itfelf be the caufe of thofe diforders of reafon." Again, " It Is, I think, becaufe the previous ind.fpo- •' fition, generally gives an opportunity to thefe be- " in-TS, to alfeQ the imagination, that the diforder ** of the brain ftands in common difcourfe, for the '^^ confequent trouble, and that we reckon it the ef- *' ficient caufe." Thus, it feems, a man's fcull being fractured, can- not be the efficient caufe of his infanity; — it only opens a way for the fpirit thro' the cracks to the brain. — What ftrange whims have the wifeft of men advanced in the progrefs of their metaphyfical enqui- ries ? How few have afted like the fage, and modeft Locke ? I fhall conclude with a definition of this fpe- cies of metaphyfics, by a fenfible and fpirited writer ; — " We take metaphyfics in the degree, to which " they are carried by certain philofophers, to be the " art of talking grave nonfenfe, upon fubjefts which •• lie beyond the reach of human undeiftanding." NUM- 3S The B A TCHELOR. NUMBER IX, See IVhitJield etnptying the pockets Of iv — res and haxvds., and gaping throngs i Turning their eyes out of their jackets , Singing and felling David's fongs. Cp.azy Tales. I ALWAYS thought the defign of thefe itene- rant preachers would hecoine apparent to every body ; 1 commend Peter Traffic much for laying his cafe before the public, and am furprized that Mr. Whitfield can iiiew fo little chiiftian charity, as to abufe an honeft trader, becaufe he does not choofe to be a cuckold. I dare fay fome of his fhe difciples would ferve him, as a fet of female enthufiafts did Orpheus, for difcovering the myfteries of their Love Fea.ls. Doflor Robertfon obferves, '* That perfons ad- «« difted to fenfuality^ are alio prone to enthufiafm :" the fame temperament which inclines the melting virgin of twenty to love and compliance, roivfes the matron of forty to devotion and fervour for watch- nights, and Mr. Whitfield. Butler takes notice how a vapour, which in its fuperior afcent produces new light and prophecy, in its inferior progrcfs ends in VOAT y praterea nihil. " So wind in hypochondria pent, ♦' Is but a blaft if downward fent ;.■ •* But if it upward chance to fly, *• Eecor-ies new light and prophecy." The The B A T C H E L O R. 39 The fentlments of the hiftorlan and poet coincide, and may furnifh various refiedioas to a fpeculative phl- lofopheF. I think I have alfo difcovered another reafon why •women, after a certain age, attach themfelves to thele attracting preachers. It is probably to fupply that warmth of paflion which they have loft with their youth, that they fo eagerly imbibe that fpiritual cantharides with which thefe holy men replenifh them ; who, no doubt, feel a peculiar fatisfaftion in quickening the fervency of the fpirit through the medium of the flefh, as ftirring a fire at the bottom makes it blaze at top. It has been always the aim of thefe gCEtry, to ingratiate themfelves with the women j they are commonly lufty, athletick fellows, with florid com- plexions, and lirong lungs. I never knew an old, fpindle-fiianks fellow among thera, who was in the leaft regarded. You will fee them fwell and exert themfelves, when furrounded by their female audi- ence ; and their red faces, and fable apparel, put one in mind of a black turkey-cock, who pays ad- diefles to his feragllo, by ftrutiing and jabbering. Is it not clear, by their choofing to ailemble at night, that their defigns cannot be quite fo innocent as they reprefent them ? All the enthufiafts of old chofe the gloom of night to celebrate their orgies but Nox y avtour 'vlnumgue iiihil rnoderahile fuaJent - Pudsre vacate nox IJ a>?tiorqut metu : Swaddling 40 The BATCH ELOR. Swaddling and zeal the female troop enflame, And friendly night extinguifhes all Ihaine ; The fervent kifs, the high-flufht matron taftes, They watch and pray, and blefs nodurnal feafts. But thefe, indeed, are only fome of their harmlefs gambols ; they have been of infinite prejudice to fo- ciety in other refpe6ts, efpecially in England, where the people in general are of a nieJancholy and gloo- niy dil'pofition, owing to the large quantities of beef and pudding they eat, and the joint effect of a thick and heavy atmofphere. Now, Whitfield and his followers, have artfully taken advantage of this cha- rafteriftical turn in the people, and in order to fliew themfelves powerful preachers, have drawn the moft frightful pidlure of religion, and drove numbers to defpair, which commonly ends in fuicide and mad- nefs. Such defponding doftrines are not calculated for a phlegmatic generation; — it is like tying lead to the heels of a perfon who cannot fwim, and who is juft ready to fink without any additional incum- brance. I have already obferved, that fuicide has encreaf- ed by the propagation of Whitfield's tenets : 1 muft, however, do him thejuftice to acknowledge, that population has been advanced by the fame means, which inclines me to think that it is a principle with this fe(St, to bring as many into the world as they fend out of it. They refemble vipers, who carry poifon in their heads, and oil in their tales, as an an- tidote againft it. Befides, the arts they ufe on many occafions, to extend the domijiions of grace, are bale and difiige- nuous : The B A T C H E L O R. 41 nuous : they hire their own followers to pelt and abufe them, and at the next gathering together of the godly, complain how they have been bufFetted for Chrift's fake, and thus extort the pity and pence of their deluded auditors. They earneftly pray for perfecution, as they very v;ell know, that in all ages and countries it has only increafed the fe£t it meant to fupprefs ; like deftroy- ing a wart by amputation, which propagates others fram its blood. I really think it is the duty of every lover of his country, to expofe thefe fpiritual volunteers to con- tempt and derifion. I fhall juft mention an anecdote, which proves that Peter Traffic's complaints are juft. — A celebrated young preacher in the North, (who had fignalized himfelf as much as Moll Walker) was obliged in a certain diforder, to fubmit to that operation, which the Italians deem abfolutely requifite for a fine finger. On this misfortune, his ungrateful female difciples, one and all, denied and deferted him j and though his voice was more tu- nable, the jades would not even condefcend to hear him fing pfalms; and the poor fellow was obliged to give up his ghoftly calling. This ftory needs no com- ment ; but left Mr. Whitfield fhould fay it is a fi(5li- on, I now tell him that it is well known at Strabane, where it happened, as hundreds there can teftify,— ^ let him difprove it if he can. It is Inconceivable what mifchief thefe vagrant preachers have already done in the kingdom : I fhall mention but one extraordinary inftance at prefent. — In the late infurreflions of the Oak Boys, a hymn was found in the pocket of a Jefuit, who was fent OR 42 The B A T C H E L O R. on a million from St. Audoen's-arch, and pafTed for a Muggletonian preacher : the ftyle and fentlment* will convince the public that it mud have been com- pofed by fome of that fraternity, to foment riots and ledition among the " giddy, niifled, unthinking po- *' pulace." I /liail conclude with a few felcfl ftanzas from It, which fliew their principles and defigns in the ftrong- fte light. It feems to have been intended for aa unitation of the firft pfalm» I. The man is bleft who never hear* A parifli bell refound ; Nor fees the whore of Babylon, In furplice, band, or gown. II. Our trees (hall bring forth pleafant fruity Our corn untyth'd (hall ftand ; Ev'n fo all things fiiall profper well, That Oak-Boys take in hand. HI. No human learning, Lord ! we hoaff, But grace does that furpafs! Then ope our mouths, and make us fpeak, As thou didft Balaam's afs ! IV. The walls of Jericho, O Lord! Obey'd thy trumpet's found ; When The B A T C H E L O R. 43 When Jofhua gave the facred blafl. They fell unto the ground. So let the walls of Derry fall. When with our horns we call ; The clergy then we'll quickly take. And flay the priefts of Baah VI. Millenium days we foon fhall fee, (Then down with tythe and teft j) For Chrift alone fhall be our king, And all thy Sabts have reft. Y NUM- 44 The B A T C H E L O R. NUMBER X. In ^ain to defarts thy retreat is made ; The mufe attends thee to thyjilentjhade : 'Tis hers, the bra^ve man's lutefi Jieps to trace., Rejudge his ads and dignify difgrace. When inter efl calls off all her Jneaking train. And all the obliged defer t, and all the ■vain • Thro fortune'' s cloud one truly great nue fee. Nor fear to tell that P y is he. Pope. To the Rt. H ble J P- — y, Efq. S I R, MORALISTS and fage politicians have expa- tiated largely on the inllability of court fa- vour : you, fir, have experienced the truth of their obfervations. Wow ungratefully have you been treated for all your paft fervices ! The public are pretty well acquainted with your character, but from my particular efteem and regard for you, 1 fhall di- vulge fome anecdotes that muft do you honour, and which, from a laudible modefty, you have induftri- oufly concealed. I am vexed to fee you reduced to a private ftation, and no longer prefiding at that board where your abi- lities fhined fo confpicuous. As a patriot, it muft give me the deepeft concern, to fee you deprived of that influence, which you fo wifely exerted in fo many borough'5 and counties for the good of your country. How many freeholders have you relieved by The B A T C H E L O R. 45 by generoufly penfioning them on the c — ft — ms, and indulged with receiving the profits of their employ- ments, without obliging them to fubmit to the fa- tigue of the duty. Superficial obfervers, fii, have afcribed your late patriotic conduct to fpleen and dilkppointed ambiti- on. They fay, that pcnfionsy titlesy and re'verfionsy were tlie only objects you had in view. — That you were piqued at the refidence of a chief governor, as it deprived you of all hopes of becom'ng one of the illuftrious trium^virate which long governed this kingdom with io much hououi ; and that your oppofi- tion to the court fprung from the mod feifilh and for- did motives. But thefe fpecious objeclions are eafily confuted. Even allowing that you propofed very extraordinary terms for your compliance with adminillration, I am fure.fir, jou only did fo, that they might be rejected with fcorn, and that you might have a reafonable apology for difplaying thofe noble principles of in- tegrity and difintereftednefs, which always glowed in your bofom, though you had concealed them fo in- duftrioufly for many years, that even your moft in- timate friends never once fufpe£led you had the leall idea of them. You afted, fir, like Brutus in Tar- quin's court: he afFeded folly, to fccurc himfelf from the jealous rage of a tyrant j and you only affumed the corrupt manners of a courtier, to gain prefer- ment. Befides, though you had really intended to fupport the meafures of adminiftration, if your terms had been accepted, you ftill fhewed a high d -gree of virtue in demanding fuch extravagant ones. You meant 46 The B A T C H E L O R. meant to convince the public how fincerely you lov- ed your country, by requiring fuch a bribe to betray it ; for certainly a man efteems a thin^ in proportion to the price he fets on it. Your enemies, fir, have accufed you with want of fpirit ; I am furprized at fuch a calumny. You lately gave a mod convincing proof of your intrepidity in the Houfe of Commons. You were hardy e- nough to deny a charge, though the evidence of your own hand writing was againft you. A Jefs zealous friend than I am, might be puzzled to de- fend you: but I can perceive the rettitude of your intentions, even in your deviating from truth. It was in the glorious caufe of liberty, fir, that you for once condefcended to fwerve from that nice and de- licate fenfe of honour, which you have conftantly preferved. An inviolable attachment to your word, a rare quality in a ftatefman ! was one of thofe pecu- liarities for which I always admired you. But I candidly acknowledge, that I efteem you the more for giving up this fhining charafteriftic, for the fer- vice of your country. In that eafe, fir, a private vice becomes a public benefit; and it is equally true in politics, as in morals, that the end jullihes the means. A perfon of your quick fenfibility, mufl; have fuf- fered feverely on (uch a trying occafion. You then had virtue enough to refign the charader of an hon- eft man, to attain the nobler name of a patriot. The greater the facrifice, the more your country is in- debted to you. As Speaker of the Houfe of Commons, you have gained univerfal applaufe. You were refolved to The BATCHELOR. 47 to ftock that honourable aiTembly with patriots, and therefore in contefted eledions, you nobly rejefted ^ fome members who bad an undoubted majority of votes, and would only admit thofe who promifed to fupport your intereft, and the conftitution of their country, as thofe terras are fynonimous. Some people are amazed, how you could main- tain fuch an influence in the Houfe, with that fmall ftock of natural abilities which they invidi- cufly allow you. But what they malignantly defiga as a reproach, turns out the higheft compliment. If you were endued with fuperior parts and fhining a- biiities, the phoenomenon would be eafily accounted for. Your merit, fir, is the greater, as you have been able to efFeft fuch grand things by flender means : a general who conquers with a fmall force, acquires greater glory than if his troops were more confiderable. Your enemies, fir, alfo accufe you of having de- ferted your grand ally on the Augmentation Bill; but they do not confider, that, like Shakefpear's apo- thecary, your toill ne=ver confented. You were juft- \y apprehenfive of lofing your employment, and that is a fufficient apology. Give me leave, fir, to lament with you, the de- generacy of my countrymen : I long ago expedled that the whole kingdom would have been in a flame ; that petitions and -remonftrances would have been fent up from all quarters. What can be the reafon of this fupinenefs? Are they bafe enough to imagine that you defign to imitate our memorable patriots of 1753. The condud of thefe men has been of the utmoft prejudice to this kingdom. It has 48 The BATCHELOR. has made every Irifliman a Sceptic, they doubt the very exiftence of patriotifin. They caiiiiol be per- fuaded to think their rights and privileges in danger, becaufe a Money Bill was originated in the council, as it has been the ufual mode of proceeding for two or three hundred years. But the abfurdity of fuch a cunclufion is evident. For at different peri- ods, the fame thing may have quite different effects : You, fir, were convinced of the truth of this maxim. In 1 761 you fupported the very meafure which you have fince difcovered to be fubverfive of the confli- tulion. You have obferved fomething dangerous in that tyranic Icheme, which you have not as yet thought proper to dilclofe. Probably, fir, you are apprehenfive of throwing the nation into ferments. You have aQed like a (kilful phyfician, who con- ceals the danger of the patient's cafe, lefT: the difco- very might terrify him too much. // is ttoto time, fir, to mention a circumfJance •which mujl render you extremely popular in this kingdom. As you ferefaiv ivith your ufual fagacity, the necejjity and propriety of a land tax, you prudent- ly refolnjed to infert a claufe in every neiu leafe •which paffed through your hands, in order to thro'w the burthen on the tenant, ivithout diminijhing the landlord's rent-roll. One gentleman, indeed, after his leafe ivas perfe£led, fufpeded the legality of fuch a claufe, and ivas rajh enough to confult tiuo eminent laiuyers on the point. Their opinions chanced to coin- cide, and were entirely in his fa'uour. Tho' you, fir, •were acquainted 'with their fenliments, you paid no regard to them, hut fleadily refolded to purfue your plan, and accordingly ferved this refradory tenant •with an ejedment. He took defence, and you then ctmmenced a fuit againfl him ; but as you wtre al- njuays The B A !• C H E L O R. 49 T.vffys tcu/ler of your reputation, and ivouJd rather lofe your right than your popularity, yrjii popped all proceedings at the heginniug of this fe£ion. This was a fine example for the landed gentrv ; they owe you particular obligations for that maf- terly ftroke of politics, perhaps you were induced to take this ftep, by obferving how the infolence of thg Yoemanry was increafed by the 09;'enial Bill, and probably you contrived this latter fcheine to coun- teiaft the pernicious effects of it. Perfevere, fir, in your patriotifm, and though you fhould never more fill fuch an honourable and lucra- tive employment, as firft Commiliioner of the reve- nue, I know you will be rejoiced to find your place fupplied by a perfon generally efreemed your fuperior, both in integrity and abilities. You will then refem- ble that illulirious Greek, who was a candidate to be enrolled in the band of heroes that fell at 7"hermopy- jge, and on being reje£led, thanked the Gods " There '* were (o many better men in Sparta." I have thus, fir, taken fome pains to vindicate youc character and condu6t, from every illiberal afpesfion. I thought it more elfentially requlfite kt this time, as v/ith infinite regret, I find mbtl people too 9.^ to Oredit ihofe invidious farcafms. I always confi.dered you as a mo{t amaxing per- fon. You are a laceiious companion, without bor- ro'.ving the leaft alfiftance from either wit or hu- mour. You prefide wuh equal dignity in the houfe, and at the head of a pack of hounds ; and your eloquence is equally adapted for cither. The fame verfatile genius made Alcibiades fo extraordi- nary a perlbnage. k is my boaft to have firft dif- ^ covered 50 The B A T C II E L O R. covered and pointed out a refemblance between you. Others may have courted you in the funfliine of your power ; in your fall I addrefs you : and am, fir, yours, &c. P H O C I O N. NUMBER X. AS tMs defence of Mr. P. appeared in tne Free- man a few days after Phocion's hi ll: letter- ; — to llowing ftate of his cafe, and laid it before Counfellor Wolfe. ** A v.'as feveral years in poffcffion of the farm of <' D, under a leafe for one life at 14I. los. yearly "• reel. In januaty 1767, the lite iTies, and in April D 4 » fpU 56 The B A T C H E L O R. *' following, A comes to an agreement with the *' agent of D, who had the inheritance thereof, for a •' new kafc in the words following: " A agrees to pay to B for fmd farm, the yearly " rent of fixty pounds on a leafe for three liteSf t9 •* conunencefromthefirftcf May, 1767. ** Shortly afterwards, B who refides in Englr.nd, «' writes a letter to A, to inform him, that he h,T.l ** fent over a leafe ex€cuted by him for three lives •' of faid farm, at the yearly rent of ftxiy pounds. " When faid leafe appeared, A objedted thereto, on " account of a clnule therein, v. h'chis la the words ** following : *' That the faid A, his heirs and nffigns, fall pay " to faid B, his heirs and affigns, thg faid re^tte the fdd refer'v- '• ed yearly '-ent, all taxes, afjefjmenti,, fuhfulies, or •' other itnpofttions, of tvhat nature or kind foe'ver itn- '• fofed, or to he impofed on the faid demifed premifesy " or on the faid referred TEARLT RENT, or on the ^•JaidB, his heirs and affigns, hy reajon or tneans ** thereof, by parliament or 'jtheriKjife, crozvn rent, *' and quit rent only excepted, as aforefaid. ♦< ^/ere. Is the claufe reciied ufual or cufloma- *' ry in this kingdom ? *' Anfwer. I do net rememher that I have ever " feen fnch a rlaufe in any leafe of lands in this king- *' dcm, and therefore I fuppofe it is not a cujlomary or « iifuai The B A TC HE LOR, 57 *' ufual claufe in leafes in this kingdom. In marriage *'■ fetthments, it is ufual to exempt the jointure of the *' lady from parliamentary taxes. *< ^iere. Does it not appear that the fdid claufe *' is intended by the lefTor, to throw the payment of " a land tax on the leffee, whenever this country " fliall be (o unfortunately circumftanced as to be " obliged to fubaiit to fuch a tax, and is it not pro- " bable it would have that effedl? " Anfwer. / doubt this claufe ivould not produce " the effed apprehended by this quere ; hut as that mat' *' ter cannot be afcertained until fuch laiu floall he- *' enaffed, I think no lefjee ought to fuhmit to fuch a " claufe, " ^ere. Has not A a right to objeft to the " claufe recited, as it cannot be inferred from his " agreement, that he was to be bound to pay any ♦•' taxes, but the ufual country charges ? " Anfwer. / apprehend A has a good and fuflci^ *' ent reafon to ohjed to fuch a claufe. « ^4ere. Is it reafonable to expe claule recked, as it cannot be infencd from his *' agreement, that he was to be bound to pay any *' taxes but the ufual country charges? *< Anfwer, / think A has a good right to oh]e£i ta ** the claufe. *' ^ere. Is it reafonable to expefl, that the " Itffce fliould be bound to pay any tax that may " hereafter be laid on the perfon of the lelTor, or his " heirs? Note: on account of the claufe recited, *' A has refufed to pay rent under the new agrce- *' ment, infilling, that the claufe for payment of tax- *' es ought to go no further than thofe laid on the *• premifes, and not any that may hereafter be laid oa *' the rent, or the perfon of the Icflbr, on account of *' enjoying faid eftate ? *' Anfwer. / think the claufe for payment of the *' taxes-, fjoiild extend only to the taxes to be impofed *' on the pre7nifes, and not to fuch as may he impofed « on the rent or the perfon of the leffor. But I think *' A and B fhould both confder the 'very great ex pence <' nvhich muft attend a fuit in equity for deterinining *' the matter in difpute^ and -whether it may not great- *' ly exceed the rvalue of any contingent expence ivhich *' may arife by the impofttion of a neiv tax, ivhich at *' preftnt feenis 'very improbable. Philip Tisdall. (A true copy.) " March 6th, 1769." But The B A T C H E L O R. Ct Rut Mr. Caldwell, ftlll infifted that the claufe was both ufual and legal. Mr. Bayley thought It prudent to tender payment of the rent then due, which he did to Mr. Walfh in the pre- fence of Mr. Caldwell, at his office in the cuHom- houfe, on condition of having another leafe exe- cuted, and likewife offered to fubmit to all claufes, which any gentlemen of the bar, would certify to be legal and cuftomary in this country, where there had been no fpecial agreement to warrant the infertion of an extraordinary claufe. Notwilhftand- ing this propofal, which Mr. Bayley humbly ap- prehends to be a reafonable one, he v^as ferved with an ejedtment, for non payment of rent, to which he took defence. Mr. Caldwell then ferved him with notice for trying the record, at the laft fnmraer afhzcs for the county of Carlow : however, on finding Mr. Bayley determined to let it go ta that iffue, Mr. Caldwell thought proper to with- draw his notice of tryal, and has let the matter lye over wUhot ever demanding the rent. RUSTICU5. NUM- 62 The B A T C H E L O R. NUMBER XL Romulus, y liher pater, i^ cum Caflore Pol/ux Pojl ingentia fada, Dcorujti in templu recepti, Ditm terras hominumque colunt genus, afpera hella Componunt, agros ajfignant, oppiJa conduni ; Ploravere fuis non refpondere fa^jorem Speratum merit is. HOR. TMlTATEm. 3" les, P— bys, who fhine in our records, Were for their merit plac'd among the lords ! They ferve their country with peculiar care, Endov/'d with peiifions, and the S r's chair. Patriots, who ftrive to make dlflenfion ceafe, And blefs their country with the arts of peacej Who to their tenants aft a father's part, Nor with oppreflion wring the peafant's heart j May now lament that Slander blafts their fame, And fpits her venom at each facred name. To Arthur Bavlev, Efq. SIR, CANDIDLY own that I was^ miftaken in fiip- pofing that you held the difputed leafe under Mr. Ponf nby : I now fee it was merely to ferve his brother, Lord Befborough, that he took fuch extra- ordinary pains to convince you of the propriety of fuhmitting to an unujual claufe> whiekyou (o litigi- tujly difputed. II •JFhe B: A T e H E L O R. 63 it glve^ me Infinite concern to find, that my well meant panegyric on Mr. Ponfonby, fliould be niifconr ftrued by Honestus, into a fatire on that gentle- man, for whom 1 have conftantly relaind the high- eft veneration and efteeni. T find, fir, that you have alfo mifapprehended mc ; I fliall therefore offer a few remarks to you and the public on this fubjed^, which I am fure v.^Ill convince the candid and un^ prejudiced, of the unreafonablenefs of your com- plaints, and ferve to vindicate Mr. Ponfonby's cha- rafter, from thofe bafe infinuations, " artfully drejj- " edup to. hlaft him among the independent freehold^ «< ers." \ft. It Is evident that Mt. Ponfonby was not the principal in this affair, for (by Mr. Langrifhe's letter) xkiZ fame claufe was already inferted in all his oiun leafes i fo that nothing but pure affedlion, and a generous regard to his brother. Lord Befborough's in- tereft, could induce him to take fo much trouble, to reconcile you to this neiu mode, of fubjeQing yourfeif to a future land tax. zdly. Yon fay that Mr. Ponfonby promifcd to pro^- cure you an abatement of lol. per ann. in your rent, as a compenfation for fubmltting to that claufe, but that he afterwards /z// _)'o« oj/", by faying, " he did " not chufe to meddle In hi* brother's affairs." I wiih you had given us the date of his promife j per- haps it v/as pre'viaus to the general election ; and as you were of fome weight In the county, he was afraid of. lofing your intereft by an unfeafonahle re- fufal. Mr. Ponfonby, fir, who Is an excellent cafulft, knew thjtt <• Juramentum vi ^ metu epntortitm non ooligat,''' 64 The B A T C H E L O R. or in plain >Engii(li, Promifes nmtic under particular circumjlances are nal binding. I am amazed how you could be ignorant of this, when it is pretty well known, how well that gentleman has applied the maxim on many occafions. A protmfe-hQ always undcrftood to be conditional ; and from the very nature of the thing, it muft be fo ; — for inflance, when I prom'fe to ferve my friend, it is my intention to do (o at that time, but if I change my mind after, I am fully jurtified in not performing it ; for as I was only induced to make a proinile from a cafual d\(i^o- fitioncf mind in his favoiir, 1 have a riglit to break it from a ca fual d\\^o{\\.\on of mind to his prejudice : furely one motive is as good a? another, except it be alledged that the firft IhouM take place as elder j but I really think it highly abfurd to regulate the motions of our minds by leniority, like the laws of in- heritance, which makes freeholds dcfcend to the eldeft foa I fliall think myfelf happy, if I havefet this matter in a clear light. I know Mr. Ponfonby has many ene- mies, who have even riicknamed him far his frequent breach ol fromife. They indeed are too dull to per- ceive that he is actuated by'the moll refined and fub- tle principles of logic, which evinces the depth and. extent of hi8 underftanding. ^dly. You alfo charge Mr. Ponfon'by with pur- pofely omitting part of the claufe in Lord Burling- ton's leafe, wherein it is exprefsly added, " com- ** penfation having been already nicde to the te- ** nant for fubtnitting to this claufe." This, fir, is artful and malicious to the laft degree — Mr. Ponfon- by only told you, " that the very fame claufe v/as in- *' ferted in Lord Builington's le*fes." He did not tell The B A T C H E L O R. 65 tell you that no abatement was made in the tenant's rent, in confequence of it. You found what he faid was ftritStly true, it was not Mr. Ponfonby's bufinefs to read the fubfequent part, that would have been a work oi fupererogation ; he -wxkly JJ:ipped it over, and if you had not been too officious, you would be fatisfied Vv'ith what he thought proper to commu- nicate, and might probably have been awed by fuch a precedent into a peaceable fubmilhon. j^thly. I think that Counfellor Wolfe's reply to one of your querries, might have fatisfied you. When you afk him, whether he thinks the claufe was purpofely infevted to fubjeft the tenant to a land- tax ? Inftead of giving z dircd and explicit &n{v,eT, lie only fays, *' he doubts this claufe 'would not pro- " duce the efftd apprehended by the quere. This alfo implies a tacit cenfure on you for pro- pofing fuch an iniignificant queftion ; for if it was not B's defign, why fiiould he fo peremptorily infift on your compliance .■' Counfellor Wolfe thought this fo very obvious, that your own fagacity might have pointed it out, without applying to counfel for information. Thus B's intention was evident, but whether it would produce the defigned effect, is another queftion which naturally rifes frcm the for- mer ; as to this point, Counfellor Wfole tells you, " that matter cannot he afcertained until fuch IwM *' (for a land-tax) is enaiied" Now, fir, could you fuppofe that L. B. Mr, P. and their powerful conneQions, would not exert all their influence to fave the poor tenants from oppref- fion, by annulling fuch an illegal and improper claufe by an aft of parliament? Surely the efforts of fuch patriotic 66 The B A TCHELOR. patriotic and generous gentlemen would be crowned with fuccefs, efpecially as they might declare, that they themfelves nxjere fecure at all events : fuch a candid confeirion would add weight to their elo- quence, and render their difintereiled condui!^ re- markably confpicuous. I will grant, indeed, that their framing fuch a claufe at prefent, may feem ra- ther too fublle and artful a ftroke of policy, to gain applaufe, and make themfelves proper by annulling it ; but I told you before that it is Mr. Ponfonby's misfortune to aft on too refined principles ; this has often fubjedted him to undeferved cenfure, and made numbers imagine that he only deGgncd to promote his own interell in all his fcltemes ; whereas, that was only accidental, and his friends very well knew that he was never ftrenuous in ferving himfelf, ex- cept when the good of his country depended on it } then indeed he was indefatigable. i^thly. HoNESTus juftly sfTcrts that none of the tenants were alarmed at a claufe, which feems to have given you fo much uneafmefs. This I im- pute lO good management : that offenfive claufe was foifted in, as an addition to the ufual one, and fo pafTcd unperceived in the printed part of the leafe : the tenants were not aware of the diftinclion be- tween taxes to be laid on the premijes.,' and on the refer'ved rent. This demonftrates how cautioug Mr. Ponfonby and Lord Befborough were of giving the lead offence, or of making themfelves unpopu- lar. They were moJeJlly fatisfied with tying up their tenants, to pay a land or poll tax, whenever it fnould be laid on; but ftill they had too great a regard for their tenants eafe and happinefs, to make them ap- prehenfive of their danger beforehand, which mufi: have been the cafe, had the-fe genet-cgs landlords ex- plained The B A T C H E L O R. 6j plained th& nature and defign of fuch a claufe ta them. 6t/^ly. It fliews Mr. Ponfonby's forefight and faga^ city in providing againft the pernicious confequence of a land-tax, by throwing the burthen on his te- Bants — Perhaps he obferved a fpirit and inclination in fome of our Iai;ded gentry, to introduce fuch a tax, and confcious that it was not in his power to prevent it, he prudently refolved to fecure himfelf and his family from the bad effects of it. He aiJled like that noble Perfian, who after ufing every means to, perfnade his countrymen not to fubjedl them- felves to the defpotifm of a monarch, but to eflahlifh a commonwealth ; till finding his eloquence ineffec- tual, he obtained an exclufive privilege for himfelf and his pofterity, that they {hould remain free and independent, whilft the reft of the nation were flaves. It might happen, indeed, that Mr. Ponfonby orrfy meant to open a field to difplay his patriotifm, and ftill intended to oppofe a land-tax, merely for the fake of his tenants, (as he himfelf could not fuffer by it) and thus oblige an4 ferve them moft eflen- tially. Thefe, fir, mull: have been hl6 motives, though I do not in the leaft doubt, but that fome malici- ous perfons will attempt to prejudice the yeomanry ^ the kingdom againll this worthy gentleman j and by faying that he had formed a fcheme to facrifice them, and to introduce a land-tax, if his own felfifh and fordid terms, and thofe of his- venal junto^were complied with; perhaps ihey will malignantly fay, Uiat his defign is apparent from this very litigated claufe. 68 The B A T C H E L O R. claufe. But it is Mr. Ponfonby's peculiar happincfs, that no one who is acquainted v/ith his character, will liften to fuch fcandal. Mis confitlcnt and im- partial conduft in the hcufe, his integrity and abili- ties at that honourable board, where he (o lately prefided, furnifh the beft and moft fatisfaftory anfwer to thofe malicious reproaches. The houfe of conimons, thofe fpirited guardians of our liberty ! would not have voted him eight thoufand pounds this very feffion, if they were not thoroughly fenfible of his great merit — That pecuni- ary elogium from the teprefentatives of the people, does him more honour, and I dare fay gave him more pleafure, than if he had received the thanks and applaufe of the who'e kingdom. I am, fir, your's, &c. PHOCION. NUMBER XIII. Fielix quern fuciunt alizna pericula cautum. ' THE candid reader will be convinced of the ufe and efficacy of Phocion's addrefs to the right hon. John Ponfonby, Efq; (on the fubjeft of an intended land-tax) by perufing the following extract from Mr. Caldwell's letter- « To The B A T C H E L O R. 69 •' To Arthur Bayley, Efq, " On the death of the late Mr. Langrillie, Lord •* Befborough did me the honour of appointing me •' his general agent, and I am now to inform you, <' his Lordfllip is willing to fign any inftiument your *' council fhall advife, to exempt you from all poffi- *' ble apprehenfions of being charged with thofe par- " liamentary taxes you feem fo averfe to, on your *' paying the rent you now owe, which has been for ♦* the time pad clearly exonerated and difencuniber- " ed therefrom ; or if you rather chufe to furrender *' your leafe of part of Garryhill, my Lord will " accept a furrender thereof, on your paying, the " arrear due. Your moil obedient humble fervant, CHA. CALDWELL." ** Dublin, e^th Juney 1770. To the Earl of Besborough. MY LORD, IT gives me peculiar pleafure, to find that your Loidfhip has ordered Mr. Caldwell, your agent, to have a defeafance made of that very paiticular claufe in one of your Lordfhip's Icafes, which fubjefls the tenant 10 a future land tax, inftead of his opulent landloid. Probably, your Lordfllip never faw Couii- fcUor Wolfe's, and the Attorney-GeneraPs opinions on this point of law, till they appeared in my Spe- culations. As 70 The B A TCHELOTl. As the fame illegal a.nd alarming claufe Is Inferted in all Mr. Ponfonby's leafes, I hope your Lordfhip's example will have a proper influence on him. — When he was a courtier, my Lord, he might have a fecret intimation from the niiniftry, that a land tax would be introduced here, and therefore adted with pru- dence by fecuring himfelf at his tenants expence : but now that he is a patriot, he can have no reafon for obftinately adhering to this prudential fyftem. — 1 fliall be pleafed with having an opportunity of blazoning that gentleman's merit, for he is remarka- bly modcft, and to avoid public applaufe, fo care- fully conceals the great ferviccs he has rendered his country, that even his moft intimate friends are ftrangely puzzled to give me the leaft information ^about them. I am told, that your Lord/hip difapproves of his late patriotic proceedings : — However, my Lord, Mr. Ponfonby's is a moil extraordinary charader; he gained more friends and dependents by empty pro- mifes, than by conferring effential favours : — I hope your Lordftjip will pardon this digreflion, and I fliall now return to my fubject. I have a fecret fatisfadtion, my Lord, in refledfng on the great ufe my Speculations have been to your tenant Mr. Bayley. He perceived the dangerous ten- dency of a claufe foifted into his leafe, wilh great art and difingenuity, and was determined to aiSl with fpirit and refolution. <' A village Hampden, who with dauntlefs bread, «< The little tyrant of his field withftood." He The BA T CHE LOR. -j He dated his cafe with clearnefs and precifion, and fubmitted it to Cunfellor Wolfe and Mr. Tifdall ; encouraged by their favourable opinions, he was determined to have the legality of the claufe tryed. On being ferved with an ejedment, he took defence, a::d was then threatened with the utmcft rigour of the law, if he did not quietly fubmit. Several of the papers relative to this affair, fell acci- dently into my hands. As I thought it a matter of fome ccnfequence, I was determined to lay the whole traniaftion riinutely before the public, and took care to incloie your Lordfhip a few fpecula- tions containing my remarks, and Mr. Bayley's very ingenuous narrative. 1 own that my vanity is great- ly flattered by Mr. Caldwell's letter. Your condu6l my Lord, does you honour, and I can affure you, that I entertain no diipicable idea of your Lordftlp's underlTianding, fince you have paid fo mucli defe- rence to my arguments. As feveral of your tenants, my Lord, have a right to the fame indulgence fhewn Mr. Bayley, I fuppofe your Lordfliip's dl ^ftions to your law agent, were general and equally extended to them. I on.'y mention this my Lord, left ibms malignant perfons may impute your Lordfliip's behaviour to a finifler motive, if Mr. Bayley (hould be particularly diftin- guiflied. I remain. My L— d. Your L — p's moft obliged. And moft obedient humble fervsnt, JEOFFRY VVAGSTAFFE. N U M- 72 The BATCH ELOR, NUMB E'R XIV. ■ Minus afjtus acutis Naribus honim hominuni' HoR. To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. SI R, T is generally remarked, that perfons of exquifite fenfibiliiy, are unhappy. The caufe is obvious — they fee the foibles of mankind, and feel their own too fenfibiy: their tempers are ruffled by trifles, which never dillurb the tranquility of others. By conducting themfelves with unneceiTkry refinement in the common occurrences of life, they fruilrate their own views ; as artilts by fining a razor too much, often tumits edge. * Fervidus, poiTeiTed of genius, a jull tade, a brilliant fancy, and every locial quality of a generous and benevolent heart, can never be happy — becaufe h\s feelings are too ftrong. Fucosus lives the ob- jedt of ridicule, and is led every day to laugh at himfelf ; he joins in the jell without fufpe(Sling it is at his own cxpence — yet is he happy by his dullnefs, which, " covers him all over (as Sancho fay?) like a " cloake." The moft diftant allufion, that can be conftrued into the flighteil mark of difrefped, n}akes ♦ Thcfc iwo charafters (it is fuppofed) are dellgncd for C— pt<— n J— ^n and Mr. H d. Ferv id us The B A T C H E L O R. 73 Fervidus miferable. Fucosus thinks every body admires-him, as a piodigy ot parti, and thetefofe converts a fneer into a compliment. — The ne/ves of the one, like the llrings oi a fiddle, vibrate on the flighteft touch ; whilft the other's, like the cords of a Strim-stram, fcarce bei.d under the rough hand of a porter. Fucosus blunders through difficulties and labours, which would deftroy any perfon of lefs ftupidity, as a goofe thruft down a chimney on fire, CAtinguiihes the flames, and efcapes unhurt. I believe the experiment would prove fatal to any other bird. I often confider Mrs. Grevllle's Ode to Indiffer- - ence, as a mafter piece on this fubjeft. The image- ry is beautiful and poetic, and the fentiments fhew that nice difcernment and knowledge of human na- ture, fo rarely found in the elaborate pages of. a moral philofopher. Let the rage of party, and perfonal inveftive, for once give place to admit the polilhtd produdion of a female genius. Many of our readers, Mr. Wag- ftaffe, are neither courtiers nor patriots, and reliih fcandal as little in the Batchelor, as the Freeman,— .- particularly, Your humble fervant, MUSiEUS. E ^ PRAY- 74 The B A T C H E L O R. A TRAYER/^r INDIFFERENCE. By Mrs. Greville. OF T I've Iniplor'd the gods in vain, And pray'd till I've been weary j For once I'll feek my wifli to gain Of Oheron the fairy. Svi'eet, airy Being, wanton Sprite^ Who liv'ft in woods unfeen j And oft by Cynthia's filver light Trips't gaily oe'r the green ! If e'er thy pitying heart was mov'd. As antient ftories teU, And for th' Athenian maid who lov'd, You fought a wond'rous fpell. Oh! deign once more t' exert thy power ! Haply fome herb or tree, Sov'reign as juice of Weilern flower. Conceals a balm for me. I aflc no kind return in love. No tempting charm to pleafe : Far from the heart fuch gifts remove That fighs for peace and eafe. Nor eafe nor peace the heart can know; Which, like the needle true, Turns at the touch of joy or woe. But, turning, trembles Ico. Far The B A T C H E L O R. Far as diftrefis the foul can wound, 'Tis pain in each degree : Blifs goes but to a certain bound: Beyond is agony. Take then this treach'rous fenfc of mine, Which dooms me ftill to fmart ; Which plealure can to pain refine, To pain new pangs impart. Oh ! hafte to fhed the facred balm ? My fhatter'd nerves new firing; And for my gueft, ferenely calm. The nymph Indifference bring. At her apprcach, fee Hope, fee Fear, See Expecfation fly ,' And Difappointmetit in the rear, That blafts the promis'd joy. The tear, which pity taught to flow, The eye fliall then difown : The heart that melts for other's woe, Shall then fcarce feel its own. The wounds which n::!w each moment bleed. Each moment then /hall clofe, And tranquil days /hall ftill fuccced, To nights of calm repofe, O Fairy Elf but grant me this, This one kind comfort fend J And fo may never-fading blifs Thy flowery paths attend .' /:> So 76 The B A T C H E L O R. So may the glow-worm's gHnimering hght, Thy tiny footflcps lead To fome new region of delight, Unknown to mortal tread! And be thy accorn goblet fiU'd With Heav'ns ambrofial dev/, From fweeteft, frelheft flov/ers dillill'd, That flied frefh fweetb lor you. And what of life remains for me I'll pafi in fober eale ; Half-pleas'd contented will I be, Content but half to pleafe. NUMBER XV. SOME faftidious critics condemn certain fimi- Iss, which they are pleafed to depreciate by calling them lo-iu and 'vulgar. They neither confider the authoi's intention, or that fpecies of compofiti- on, where they may appear with grace and propri- ety. A few thoughts on this fubject may therefore be agreeable to the reader, — and alfo ferve as a preface to my neuj correlpondent's favours.— The defign of fome peculiar comnarifons Is to blend the perfon cr thing with- the objed, from which the fiuiile is taken, fo as to excite a ludicrous image from fuch an aflbciation. — Ou The BATCH ELOR. 77 On this principle, the penetrating and judicious Mr. Hurd afcertains the propriety of aliuiive ima- gery, as adapted to the lighter kinds of poetry ; and the fame criticifm may be equally extended to conipoiiiions in profe. — " What has been faid of " the epic holds, as I hinted, of all the more ferlous " kinds of Poetry. Tn works of a lighter caft, there " is greater liberty and a larger field of allufion per- " mitted to the Poet. All the appearances in art and " nature, betwixt which there is any refemblance, <' may be employed here to furprife and divert the " fancy. The further and more remote from vulgar " apprehenfion thefe analogies lie, fo much the fitter " for his purpofe, v.'hich is not fo much to illufrate " this iuuis as to place them in new and uncommon " lights and entertain the mind by that odd con- " junction, or oppofition of ideas which we know by " the name of ivit. — Nay the hiueji as well as the *' leaft obvious imagery will be oftentimes moft pro- " per ; his viev/ being not to enable and rai:e his " fubjed, by the means of allufion, but to fink and " debafe it by every art that hath a tendency to <' excite the mirth and provoke the ridicule of the " Reader." Dijfertation 3^. Pnge. loj To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. S I R, IV/AS lately married to an old gentleman, and am made very uneafy by an impudent young fellow's ludicrous comparifons on the match. — He fays, that an old man who affedts to be amorous rc- fembles a fuzzball which feems to have fome fub- ilance, but on being preil, burllis and only fills the E 3 eyes 78 The BATCH ELOR. eyes with dufl:. — At other times he commends my hulhand's prudence, for chufing a young maid, rather than an old experienced dame, as, fnuff" he adds murt ho ftrong and fielh to irritate the organs cf a priid it toner., but that a few dead grains will make a perfon Jneeze who is unaccullomed to take it. He caught me 'tother day, fitting on mv Huf- band's knee, and (aid I looked h'ke a bunch of fweet pea funported by a rotten ftick. — — I v/as very an- gry to be lure, on my dear old man's account, but as he compared me to fo pretty a flower I forgave him ; but indeed he is grown more impudent fince, ar.d jud now told me, that Virgil defcribed our wed- ding night, by the following lines, which I made him write down. > * Telumque Imbelle fine Ictxi Conjecit : rauco quod protinus sere rcpulfum Et fummo Clypei, nequicquam umbone pependit. 1 am fure there is fomething bad in them, for -when I (howed them to my hiifband, and beg'd him to tell me what they meant, he flew into a violent, paflion, and has been crofs ever fince. Do my dear Mr. V/agftafFe, tranflate them for me in the Batchc- lor, and you will particularly oblige, your admirer and humble fervant, PARTHENIA PINCHBECK. * His feeble palfyM hand a Javelin threw, Which fainting feemed to linger as it flew ; ]ull: — and but barely to the mark it held. And faintly tinkled on the brazen fliield. The The B A T C H E L O R. 79 The APOLOGY I. To Kitty's name, I tune my lays And praife the little maid, Whofe jaunty (hape, whofe cuil'd phiz Poor Johny's heart enflav'd. 11. What charms fhe has I'll ftrlve to fing And decorate my fong j A lovely profpett for a wife Her fortune's — in her tongue. III. A Tongue fo neat, fo pliant glib,- Which fcorns to whine or flatter, W^hat pointed words fpring from thofe lipSj All ling'd with wit and lalire. IV. My pretty tiny, Chinefe piece, A Barrack room to grace j In vinegar each feature fet So acid looks that face. V. And have I pleas'd my Kitty too PIa.5 Kitty for me cares, Grac'd with a foot of double fize Acd ancles nob'd like chairs ! E 4 vi; 8o The B A T C H E L O R. VI. Or liavc my cvc-s entrcncLM fo deep JVly gentle Kitty charnicil ? My tawney fkin and Hounftoiv face Her tender heart have waiin'd. VII. In dancing too, my aiikward cuts, No pains cculd ever fcreen ; <' A Hea^'en taughr dancer, Certain'y ?'or nought of art k feen, VIII. Kitty no more now boafl: your pow'r For all your art is vain j Reauty and maiden charms combln'd But gild the marriage chain. IX. The ciOiSlor thus who knows his trade, And's fv/ay'd by profit ft ill, The naufeous dofe but ill conceals Ey varnifning the pill. X, But this you fay is common cant. And often heard by you ; — T hea Kilty, (ince I know your taile ril give you fomething new. XI. The B A T C H E L O R. ■ 81 XI. A harlot, faith n7ay drain the purfe, And into danger run one ; But foon as e'er the mifchiefs done The jade is fu.e to fliun one. X!I. So fleas will bite, and then Hdp off And longer fcorn to ftick ; Conftant aud true a wife remains And clings like any tick. XIII. And when you rave, and rage and curfC; She then v/ill plague you more. Like blilters of Iberian flies She matfes and frets the fore. ^ XIV. Have you not feen a harmlefs dog Run frighted thro' the ftreet, With fhot in bladder ty'd behind Of" marriage — Emblem meet ! XV. In courtfhip, mifs refembles cat, That purrs and fmooths her paws. But marry'd ! — then like angry puis Thai fpits and fhev/s her claws, E K XVI. 82 The B A T C H E L O R XVI. Two lovers, like two playful cats • In dalliance fort unite. But noos'd — like cats ty'd by the tail They wrangle, fcraich and fight. XVII. Couitfhip is pleafant, marriage four ; This plagues, but that delights ; So St. Johns book tho' fweet to lafte, Yet fwaliow'd gave the gripes. XVIII. As prefbyterians, paftors choofe, And fbew their fenfe and (kill, By keeping power ftill in their hands, To turn them off at will. XIX. On terms like thefe a girl I'd love No wedlock noife or ftrife ; Like church divines, wives faacy grew, Becaufe they hold for life. Epigram on the ladies neiv faP?ioned Tetes. NSTEAD of hair, bright Calia, wears a tete, _ Of frowfy wool, to hide a fliaven pate; — As ilript of leaves, a beauteous plant becomes A dirtv mop, and fhines with greafy thrums. Y I NUM- The B A T C H E L O R. 8^ NUMBER XVI. To the Female COTERIE. LADIES, AS your polTte and honourable academy feemn ■ chiefly calculated to propagat oraming and gallantry, I recommend the following efiay to your patronage and protcftion. — Principles congenial to your own, Induced me to ftep forth in your defence^ and I have at leall the merit of being your firlh voluntary champion. I always contemplate with' peculiar pleafure an inftitullon which will produce the moft beneficial effedls to Society. — That conrti-- tutional coldnels which you dtrive from a bleak northern climate, will be meliorated and Improved by gay converfation and fparkling champaign ; — for a tavern like a green houfe, Vv'ill infufe an artificial: heat and naturalije plants, originally reared under the geniar influence of brighter Ikies and a war- mer fun. — Our giddy and i.mpetuous youth will be weaned i by you, from all low and indelicate amours, and; folely devote themfelves to ladies of fafhion and ; charafter. — The refined policy of the roman ladies, whofe example you purfue, prompted them to - ftigmatife mean jpirited <^?\\'nx\X%\:,y the opprobrious ; epithet of anciUarii. — Or ivenchers — give me leave to recommend the fame judicious diftinCtion to your imitation.. Our / 84 Tlie B A T C II E L O R. Our ingenuous youth attraCled by your beauty ajid generous condefcenfion, will foon loath the embra- ces of mercenary females, who can't even boail the virtue of a nettle, but on comprefion (ling more feverely. Let it he your amiable province ladies, to teach them, that by yielding up your charms, you rcfemhle fqucefed myrtle, which in that fiate, emits its fwectell: and moft agreeable odour. — I have the honour to be, with the higheft rcfpe6>, Ladies, your mofl: fincere admirer, and devoted humble fervant, JEOFFRY WAGSTAFFE. IJrhi pater ejl, urlique maritus. L u c A N • T gives me the higheft pleafurc to obferve the _ rapid progrefs of cuckoldom in thefe kingdoms, s it is alv/ays the confequence of refined manners. We only wanted this finifhing touch, to equal the- French in that agreeable polilh, which embelliflies and-foftens human nature. Gallantry and intrigue, introduce a focial intimacy between the fexes, whiclx wears oit that difgulling rufticity, fo prevalent in a country, where an unreilrained familiarity is not faftlonable. The beft method of poliihing marble, is by rubbing the Qabs againll each other j and I am rejoiced to fee the fame mode fo generally adopted by both kx&z. Gaming is intimately connefled The B A T C H E L O R. 85 wntli gallantry, and may be efVeemed the cement of every polite circle.— A prudijh lady who lofes at play, is frequently obliged to compound with her male creditor, and yield her perfoa inftead of her purfe. — A Maccaroni alone could refufe to releafe his amiable debtor on thefe terms. How happy is the hufband of fuch a prudential wife, who thus dlf- charges a debt in a coin he can never polUbly mifs, efpecially, as it might injure his fortune, and embar- rafs his affairs if paid in any other. Sometimes (he may prefer this mode of payment from a prefenti-' ment of her hufband's fuperiority ; an experimental proof will do honour to her foredght, and promote conjugal atfedion. This was Penelope's way, fhe encouraged all her gallants to ihoot in UlyfTes's bow, and found none of them equal to her own good man. Let dull moralifts, and prejudiced politicians, fnarl at every generous and comprehe-sfive fyftem, which contradicSls their narrow, feifilh principles : I do not addrefs myfelf to fuch readers, but to the li- beral and impartial j and I make no doubt of convin- cing them. I Ihall therefore prove, I ft. That cuck- oldom was ellablifhed by lav/, in the v/ifeft of .nati- ons. 2dly, That precedents., and continued ufage and pradice-, are uniformly in favour of it. 3dly, I fliall point out the great benefits which civil fcciety re- ceives from it}, and conclude with fjme general remarks on the fubjett. By a ftatute ena(5ted in the 7th of Lycurgus, the Spartans granted every man the privilege of lying Vv'ith his neighbour's wife — Calo, by his e.xample, endeavoured to introduce that law among the Romans ; 86 The B A T G H E L O R. Romans: feveral tribes of Indians have adopted the fame wife maxim. Thus, both civilized nations, ad- tuated by political motives ; and BarbaTians, from the mere fuggeftions of untutored reafon, have equally perceived its utility. Continued tif^/ge and praflice are alfo In favour of it. The hifto'v of every age and country, furnlftes us with numberlefs examples in proof of this. All the evil conftquences which have been falfely af- cribed to the p-;^.(51ice of cuckoldom, proceeded whol'y from the uTreafoiiable reftriclions and difcou- rascment that impolitic laws have laid on it. This alone made it a cime, and rendered the man infa- mous, who paiie.itly fubniittedto it — Hence pro- ceeded wars, maflacres, and the diftrudtion of man- kind. We fee in Sparta, w-here it was not dilhonou- rable to be a cuckold, (tut highly fo to be a bat- chelor) all thofe evils were prevented. But v/hy (hould I'appeal to Greece or Rome for examples, when the hiftory of our ov.'n country fup- plies me with the ftrongeft inftance, in fupport of my argument? If Tigherna O'Rourke, king of Breifna, had not thought it unbecoming a man of fpirit to be a contented cuckold, he would not have forced Dermot M'lVIurchad to apply to Henry the fecond for afllftance : we might then ftill have wan- dered free and independent among our bogs, got drunk out of our madders, and ufed qmx jheins with impunity. — We (hould never have heard of the exe- crable Poyning, nor of his infernal law ; a law, infi- dioufiy calculated to break the hearts of our patri- ots, and to ruin the kingdom. Thus The BATCHELOR. 87 Thus cuckoldom was the caufe of onr ftavery and fubjedtion ; I therefore highly commend my coun- trymen, for retaliating on our conquerors. Their prowefs and fuccefs have been fo confpicuous, that even the ftern Churchill could not refufe paying tribute to their merit in the following lines : " See Dublin, fam'd in legends of romance, *' For mighty magic of enchanted lance, " With which her heroes arm'd, vidorious prove, " And like a flood, rufli o'er the land of love. I {hall now point out the great benefits which civil fociety receives from cuckoldom. It is remark- able, that fome families maintain an heieditary right to weak intellects and perfonal blemiihes, which uni- formly defcend from generation to generation. Now, a wife who has the honour of her family at heart, may eafily remedy this, and I really think it her in- difpenfible duty to do fo : fhe will pleafe her good man by it, and can do him no injury. I am always delighted to fee the father of a family furrounded by children whom his wife certifies, tho' they did not take their rife from him. He fofters and cherift- es them with as much fondnefs antl a.fedlion, as a hen that hatches duck eggs, and feeds the ducklings with the fame care, as if they were her own. A lady who afls fo judiciouflr, merits the higheft piaife ; fhe adorns her hulband's tab'e with olive branches which never fprung from him ; as a fkil- ful gardener, gathers plumbs off thorn trees, by grafting a few flips on them. It 88 The B ATC FIE LO R. If hufoands would treat their wives with com- plaifance, and not he offended ai innocent familiari- ties, they would make proper allowances for flight -failures in conjugal duties, and 1 ve their hufbands for the very reajun they now hate them, as it would be a fufficient excule for applying to others for comforts which they cannot be lupplied with at home. Befides, we fhould confider that cuckoldoni is but a realbnable fine, which every man fhould chearfully pay, as it evinces the beauty and merit of his wife in other people's eyes, and is a juft compliment to his own tafle. Let thofe who are curfed with homely domeflic rihs., have the fole enjoyment of them: fuch women are mean enough to employ their time in taking care of their houfes and children ; and what is ftill v/orfe, confine themfelves at home, and fur- feit their hufb.inds by too much fondnefs. But the gay and beautitul fliould fcorn to be monopolized ; they ought to regaid the happinefs of mankind. Many of them, no doubt, are influenced by the lait- dable ambition of communicating pleafure all around ihera ; and it is from that generous principle alone, and not to gratify any fenfual paffion, that they are lb willing 10 eafe the torments of their lovers. Penal laws on cuckoldom or confcienee, I equally condem.n. Large d.images which are ufually grant- ed for crim. con. are attended with mod pernicious, effects. This makes the huibar.d a fpy on his wife, and an informer againft her gallant, merely fcr the fake of gain; though gilding his horns no more mi- tigates his difgrace, than gilding a pill takes off the naufscus tailc of the phyfic» Population is the true The B A T C H E L O R. 89 true objefl of policy in every wife ftate, and if chil- dren are produced, of what confequence is it to the community from whom they are originated? Thus a penalty on cuckoldom, is a rethaint on popu- lation, and ftrikes at the 'very fir, your's, &c. Y ANTIPOTATOE. NUM- 102 The B A T C H E L O R. NUMBER XIX. VEpoqiie dt la politeffe des Romnins, efi la meme que cells de V ctahlijjement dit pour^oir arhitralre. Le goit'vernment ahfolu produit Voiftvel'c, iff /" oiji- I'ete fait nut Ire la P'diteJJe. — Plus ily a de gens dans line nation qui ont hefoin d" a'voir des m':nagemens entreux i^ de ne pas diplaire, plus il y a de poli- teffe. Mais c ejl plus la politejfe des niaeurs que telle des manieres, qui doit nous difiinguer des pen- pies barhares. De L'Esprit des Loix. 'R. Plume, in one of his Ingenious efT.iys, quotes this paffage from Menander, " That " it is not in the power of the gods, to make a po- " h"te foldierj" and thenjullly obferves, " the ideas " v.hich the antients formed of politenefs, mufl; be " very different from ouis." — It feem?, they imagin- ed poHtenefs was bed: acquired by cuhivating the undeiftanding, and iii^proving in philofophy : now, a foldier's life not being fo well calculated for thefe intelleclual improvements, gave the comic writer fome grounds for this fatyrical ftrifture. Our politenefs is founded on a modifli addrefs, nicely adjufted to exprefs our refpcd to perfons, accordir:g to their rank and llation in life ; and there- fore monarchies, wheie peculiar piivileges are an- nexed to titles and nobility, muft always be the feat of elegant un ) poliihcd manners. Montefquicu fays, that The B A T C H E L O R. 103 that flavery and politenefs made an equal progrefs among the Romans j and nobly adds, " that a po- ** litenefs in morals, rather than manners, fliould dif- " tinguifii a civih"zed people from barbarians." It is not uncommon, to hear young travellers ex- patiate on the extreme urbanity of the French pea- fants, and the rudenefs of the Englifh ones ; not confidering, that fuch eifeds are necelTarily produc- ed by the fervility and freedom of their refpedive governments. .The free and generous fpirit of liberty and equa- lity, diffufed among the Grecian Republics, made each individual difdain a fervile dependence, or fubjeQion to the will of another : where men were only dillinguiflied by fuperior Ikill in arts and arms, they could be little acquainted with thofe forms and ceremonies, invented to flatter the vanity and arro- gance of the rich and great. ♦* That idle fupplement of worth," That vain pretence to fame, By vulgar fools fet forth With honour's facred name. The empty found which lulls mankind V/iih fawning titles, flattery, and deceit; Had not, as yet, become a tool of ftate. And rul'd the tyrant of the human kind. GuARiNi's Paftor Fido. When * fee worthlefs people reverenced merely for their dignity and fortune, it puts me in mind of the Egyptians deifying and worfliipping monkeys : it was an artful and refined Itroke of policy in them, F 4 to 104 The BATCHELOR. to fingle out fo ridiculous an anniiiial, in Older to llicw, that the moil dcfpicable pertbn was intitled to levcreixe, by the honours conferred on him. Some illuflrlous perfonagcs choofc to fcrecn thcm- feives from pub ic view, by pomp and pageantry : this I think is very excufabie, when it proceeds from niodeliy, and a confcioufnefs that the iefs they are known, the more they will be cfteemcd — If they poflcfTed Ihining talents, and intiinfic merit, they would be glad to lay afide the ulelels incumbrance of ftate, and tlifplay thofe qualities which can alone render men great and amiable. — Such was a Chefter- field's conduct when among us. To give another inftance at prefcnt, might be reckoned flattery. Civility and complaifance, an external poHHi and refinement, have been adopted, as a fubllitutc for hiimaiiiiy and benevolence. To difguife every {sn- timent of tlie human heart, is efteemed an effential point in modern politenefs, which has arrived to its litniofl: peife6tion in courts, where there is the great- ell demarid for difllmu^ation. Thus it ferves a double purpofe — to varnifh the outfide, and difguife the heart; like painting window s, which both beautifies and obfcures them. — This has alfo given birth to the double entendre, fo much the mode of modern con- verfation ; for it is not the defign of this fyflem, to banifh all indelicate ideas, but to gain them an eafier admifllon, by aiming at the fancy, without offending the ear. By this means, the imagination is rendered *' tremblingly alive all o'er," and ready to take fire at vhe moft dKhnt illufion ; like Phofphorus, which v/ill biaze by the mere warmth of the hand : it alfo give* iadies a fpecious pretence of afftfling ignorance, and fo The B A T C HELO R. 103 fo liftening to fuch converfation, without any breach of the laws of decorum. Certain loofe phrafes are alfo profcribed In good company, not on account of their immodefty, but becaufe dirtant hints have a better efFed on a chaffed and apprehenfive fancy, without conveying precife ideas, which might reftrain its agreeable wander- ings. A nice and faftldlous ear diftingulflies the fafhio- nable from the unpolifhed part of the fex ; the latter are feldom offended by indecent words, becaufe they do not pique themfelves on appearing Ignorant of their meaning ; — but as fuch expreffions are too pkin, not to be clearly inlelHgible, they are highly refented by the former, who are then torced to feeni angry, to keep up a ihew of modefty. When a blufli vermiUions the face of a well-bred woman, it Is fuch a fpurlous one, as Swift mentions, *' They blufh becaufe they underfland ;" that is, from the pleafuve they find In the fubjedt, and in their quicknefs of apprehenfion. — This is very dif- ferent from the genuine blufh of modefty, the off- fprlng of a delicate mind, alarmed at any Ideas in- confilient with its own purity, and wifely defigned by nature as a check and guard againll the foft and ■feducing allurements of fenfual paffion. Diffidence, timidity, and a train of delicate appre- henfions, are the beft prefervatives of female virtue: modern manners have a dire(St tendency to deprive , the ladies of ihofe unfafhionable qualities. This judicious mode of conquering the fair, was firfl in:- F 5 troduced io6 The B A T C H E L O R. troduced in France: the Benux Efprits confiJer a wojnan like an ai tichoke, which mull be (Iript of its leaves, to come at its bottom. Y NUMBER XX. -On tJy other fide up rofe Belial. • hefeemed For dignity cotnpofed and high exploit : But all ivas falfe and hollonv j though his tongue Dropped manna, and could make the ivorfe appear The better reafon, to perplex and dajh Mature]} counfels ; for his thoughts ivere loiv ; To 'vice indujlrious but to nobler deeds Timorous and Jlothful : jet he plea/ed the ear. Milton. To jEOrfRY Wagstaffe, Efq. SI R, HAVE always been an admirer of Junfus's At- tick eloquence. He is equally conrife, clear, and nervous ; and not more diftinguifhed by fuperior abi- lities, than by a peculiarity of ftylc, which has pro- duced fo many vapid and weak imitations. — We have fcarce a writer in our language, by whom we can form a comparative idea of his merit. Our v.'itty conntryman, Swift, has left us no fpecimens of that rapid and commanding eloquence, which feems to flow -vith fuch eafe from Junius's pen. The The BATCHELOR. 107 The quick and fertile fancy of the one, always fur- nlllied him with ludicrous comparifons, flinging far- cafnis, and apt allufions : his language was correft, expreflive, and intelligible to the meaneft capacity. The perfuaflve energy of the other, attracts our at- tention, and as he proceeds, we ftiU conceive an higher idea of his fubtle genius ; even when we fuppofe him exhaufted, he aftonifhes us with new and fiirprifing flrokes of the moil refined and bitter faiire. Junlus's letters, and Lord Bolingbroke's papers in the Ciafts-man, bear a clofe refemblance to each other ; but the former are manifeftly fuperior. Bo- lingbroke is difFufe and verbofe ; his periods are often tedious ; the fenfe left ambiguous by a wrong arangement, and frequently broken by fuperfluous and encumbering parenthefes. On the contrary, Ju- nius condenfes his thoughts ; — they acquire, like a Phalanx, additional force from their compa£tnefs : The perfpicuity of his ftyle is remarkable, for it is impolFible to miftake his meaning. — With all thefe advantages, Junius is but a fophift : his arguments, cloathed in a figurative and fplendid diftion, convey an infidious addrefs to the paflions and prejudices of his readers, inftead of a candid appeal to their underflandings. When a Junius appears, faction revives with new vigour, and the defponding patriots acquire frefli courage : all hope is centered in him. They fancy themlelves in the fame fituation of the Jews, when their being field by an ungene- rous abufe of his countrymen, the Scotch? Such a dpfign implys an involuntary compliment to his Lord- fliip's integrity. As a ftriking indance of Junius's fbphiftry and mifrepiefentation, let us examine the following paf- fage. " It is not in political quelllons only," fays he, " (for there the courtier might be forgiven) but ** let the caufe be what it may, your underftanding *' is equally on the rack, either to contract the pow- ♦• er of the jury, or to miflead their judgment. For •* the truth of this aflertion, I appeal to the doQrine " you delivered in Lord Grofvenor's caufe. An ♦' action for criminal converfation, being brought by •' a peer againfl: a prince of the blood, you were *' daring enough to tell the jury, that in fi>;ing the " damages, they v/ere to pay no regard to the quali- •• ty or fortune of the parties ; that it was a trial be- " tween A and B — that they were to confider the " oftence in a moral light only, and give no greater *' damages to a peer of the realm, than to the •' meanefl: The B A T C H E L O R. 109 *' meaneft mechanic." The falfity of Junius's zC- feriion, will be evident, by quotting that part of Lord Mansfield's charge to the jury, which Ju- nius fo malicioully perverts. His lordl^ip fum- med up the proof with the utniofl: ftriclnefs and Impartiality, and concluded by faying, " That the " jury were to copfider the damages recei'ued. ar,d *' give an adequate recompence to the perfon injured, " and not give a fum as a punifhment up:^n the per- <« fon who comniited the injury : for in that cafe it *' would become rather a fine, which would be en- <' croaching on- the power of the court, in whofe << breaft the inflidling fines alone depends." Here Lord Mansfield makes a proper and fair diftii.dion, equally confonant to law and equity. The jury were to be determined in their verdict, folely by the injury done to Lord Grofvenor but as that was not aggravated by the rank of the offender, they were not to be influenc- ed by it. Lord Mansfield neither faid, nor could be underftood to mean what Junius alTtrts. His lord- fh'p's meaning is obvious, and by the very terms he ufes, the jury muft have feen, that Lord ( rof- venor's rank and ftation in life, were material cir- cumftances, immediately recommended to their confideration. How elfe v;ere they to adjudge fi^^- yw«/f damages to the plaintiff, according to Lerd Mansfield's charge ? Lord Mansfield's treatment of Mr. Blngley, Is alfo reprefented by Junius with the utmoft fophiftry and want of candour. Mr. B. was juftly punifhable for refufing to anfwer interrogatories ; that is deny- ing the jurifdi(5lion of the court, which certainly iai- plyes a contempt of it. After two years in)piifon- ment, he was enlarged, though his confinement might no The B ATCHELOR. might have lalled till he had fubniitted himfelf to ihe laws of his country. As the court was inverted with a difcretionary power, L. Mansfield's releafing Mr. B. was a humane and generous atSt ; yet Ju- nius attempts to depreciate fuch an aclion by impu- ting it to a mean and defpicable motive : inrtead of acknowledging L. Mansfield's humanity in not detaining Mr. B. any longer a prifoner, he abu- fes his lordflilp with virulence for detaining him fo long- The learned author, indeed, of " Confiderations " on the modes of trial by information and attach- " ment," difapproves of both, as uufuitable to the free fpirit and genius of the BritiOi government, and wifhes for the conltitutional interpofition of the le- giflature to limit or abolijh them : but he throws no ungenerous refledions on the court of King's Bench, for purfuing thofe modes at prefent, as he well knew the judges have no authority to deviate from the etlablifhed and legal forms. This ingenu- ous manner of reafoning, diftinguifhes candid dif- quifition from party declamation : but Junius art- fully afcrlbes the feverlty of the laws in particular cafes, to the arbitrary decifion of the jmlge, in order to render Lord Mansfield the objeft of popular odium. As Junius has (o audacioufly mlfreprefented Lord Mansfield in points which lie fo. open to the public infpedion ; what opinion fhould we entertain of thofe parts of his letter, wherein he cenfures his lordfliip's minifterial conduct .'' Let us not fufFer our- felves to be deceived by the outfide glitter and var- ni/h of Junius's ftyle, but examine his arguments divefted The BAT CHE LOR. in diverted of all fuperficial embellifliments. His elo- quent inveftives may dazzle the weak, and alarm the timid : the fenfible part of mankind will admire his ingenuity, but laugh at his logic. His fophilllcal eloquence, fo deficient in truth and reafon, refem- bles the undulating light often produced by phof- phorus, which has the luminous property of flame, but not the heat. Let every honefl: man reflect with pleafure, that a confcioufnefs of meriting Junius's cauftic fatire, can only make him a formidable foe- His rancour may aim the blow, but confcience muft inflift the wound. The calm funfhine of the foul, cannot be clouded by his malevolence. Vice and folly may feel the edge of his wit, but virtue is in- vulnerable, as aqua fortis can only penetrate and dilfolve bafe metals ^ its corrofive quality is loft on gold. I am, fir, yours, P H O C I O N. NUM- 112 The B ATCIIELOR. NUMBER XXI. Hi motus animorum, y hwc cerlamina tantUy Pul'veris exigui juiiu comprejja quiefciint. VlRG. To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. SIR, THE ignorance and perplexity of our financiers, might induce an unexperienced perfon to think, that the national accounts depended on alge- braic calculation — Every quefon propofed by admi- riftration, though clear and fiinple in itfelf, is ren- dered obfcure and unintelligible, by the harrangues of fome half-witted orators. The precifion and point- ed eloquence of Hutchinfon, cannot refcue the Houfe from the endlefs perplexities of Sir William M — y — re, and the obfcure elaborate comments of Sir Lu — s O'B — n. The candour and moderation of Mr. Mai one ; his fuperior abilities, which never excited envy, hecaufe they were never exerted with un-mannered infolence, to obtain an ungenerous triumph over the weak and defencelefs : — yet this diftinguilhed character cannot proteft him from the illiberal InveClives of the Kilkenny orator, who feems determined to make his countenance a true index to his heart. The Attorney General is juftly rewarded by his rhetorical client ■: perfonal abufe is the coin with which Mr. F d fees his lawyers. Few men, perhaps, know mankind better than Mr. T 11 j though he was deceived in the orator, The B A TC HE LOR. 113 orator, and Is juflly puniflied for his want of fa- gacity. Lafl; Saturday's proceedings furnifh the ftrongeft proof of the temper and principles of our patriots — Procrafcination and delay are their objcds. The fervants of tie crown agreed to every meafure which had the leaft tendency to public utility — The arrears of half-pay, and officer's widows, were ftruck otf, and the only point in debate, was to prevent any injuftice to particulars^ which might arife from this innovation. To give the reader a clear idea of the fubjefl, I fnall iiifert a (hort abftradl of the national account, as it then ftood. Debt at Lady-day, 1771, by re- ^ port of the Committee of Ac- > 788)474 u 4-| counts. J To which was added, fo much difpofed of by addrefs of the Houfe of Commons, in feilion 1769, being a balance due from Mr. Prat, late deputy vice-treafurer, i7'994 » 5i Difmifled colledors, 14,060 14 loi i;82o,^29 7 7J iC'094. 114 The B ATC HELOR. jCio94, a faving on the army, was deduced from the debt in the pubh'c accounts, by the Coinmittee to whom they were referred. Struck off. Arrear of penfions, — — 2,514 8 4I • of oificers widows, — 24,237 5 i^ ofh;ilf-pa, — 11,457 '4 I I 38-209 782,320 7 » 1 /a jC820,529 7 7-1 Funded debt rcmnining un- ^ A .T 4 J > 725 ,000 O O drawn at Lady-day, 1771. j ' ' On this ground, the Attorney General propofed the following refolution, " That the debt of the " nation at Lady-day, 1771, amounted to the fum " of 782,3201." Mr. Huifey moved for another refolution, " That " the funded debi of the nation at Lady- •' day, 1771, only amounted to 725,000 i." If this had paffed, the balance between the two fums, (57,320 1.) which was unavoidably expended in lupport of his Majefty's government, would not be included in the national debt ; — and though eve- ry article of expence, which had occafioned the excee dings in the laft two years, had been already laid before the Committee of Accounts; yet, if this The B A TC HE LOR. 115 this abfurd motion had been carried in the afEr- mative, the Committee of Supply muft have refold- ed itfelf into a Committee of Accounts, to vvrar,gle 8}ice more over thefe articles ! Numberlefs precedents were produced, to fhew that the Attorney Gene- ral's motion was parliamentary and proper. The patriots, unable to anfwer their opponents argu- ments, moved for the quellion of adjournment, and divided upon it; but finding every eifort ineffedlual, and that a fpirited majority were determined to do their duty, they at laft retired in defpair, and gave up the point, I fhould not omit mentioning a debate, which enfued on a jefolution being propofed, for applying 9000I. to the credit of the nation, (returned in the arrears) . This was the remaining balance of a large fum, appropriated by a£t of parliament, to ere£l bat- teries for the fecurity and defence of the harbour of Corke, and to purchafe arras for the militia. Lord Townfhend, it feems, in his tour through the fouthern parts of the kingdom had obferved the prefent defencelefs ftate of the harbour of Corke. The money formerly granted, was jobbed away in building a fort and batteries, where they could be of no fervice. The fort has fallen into ruins, by the firing of the guns on rejoicing days ! — yet there is an ifland in the mouth of the har- bour, where batteries might be ereded, which would in fome degree proted the trade of that opu- lent and commercial city. This idea his Excel- lency adopted — An eftimate had been made out, and it appeared, that the intended plan might be executed for 7500. Mr. Ponfonby, the late Speak- er, ii6 The BATCHELOR. er, oppofed the meafure ; very confiftentlv', Indeed, becaufe it was not a job. — " He talked oi i 50,000 1. " being abfolutely requifite for the work." His fon, one of the reprefentaiives of the city of Co ke, likewife exerted his hereditary eloquence, againft the efTential intereft of that city which had chofen him. Mr. F d digreJJ'ed in his ufual manner, and peremptorily infided, " That there was no occa- " fion for fonifications in this kingdom, as he " very well knew that France v/ould never in- " vade us. The idea was prepofterous and ab- <* furd." To Ihew his fiill in geography, he faid, " a French fleet muft fail up the Englijb Channel^ ** and force its way through the Britifh fleet, in " order to land in i\iQ fouthern or ivejlern parts of " this kingdom ! — That there was no reafon to *' believe that Conjlans intended to land troops on '• our coaft:, though Thurot (who was to a£l in " concert with him) had landed in the North. — «♦ That he would never believe it. — That if the " French intended to Jlrike at the 'vitals of our *' conjlitution, they fliould embark ai Calais, and land *' at Dover !" You may think, Mr. Wagftaffe, that I mifrepre- fent his mode of reafoning — I appeal to a numerous audience for the truth of what I advance. In fliort, this celebrated orator often put me in mind of the Barber's Boy, in the farce of the Upholfterer. Sir Lu — -s O'B — n droped his ufual grave and fententious addrefs, and atFefted to be facetious. Sir W. M — y — re was treated by Mr. Scot, like the afs in the fable, for miltaking his talents, and mimicking I'he BATCHELOR. 117 mimicking the tricks of a kp-dog ; this gentle correction may be of Infinite fervice to both thefe knights. C 1 B — rt — n fpoke in a manly, fpirited ftyle : his arguments were well received by the lloufe, and had weight in deciding the quellion. I am, fir, yours, &c. Novemher the z6ihy 1771. A SENATOR. NUMBER XXII. To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. SIR, ' I OWN myXelf particularly pleafed with a true charafteriftical |)anegyric on that fublime, and nervous orator, Mr. Flood, in laft Saturday's Free- man. The noble author, (L — d Cha nt) who affumes the name of Tacitus, pofTefTes, in an eminent degree, both the fententious precifion of the hifto- rian, and the fentimental tafte of Longinus. The following extract from his clafiical epiftle, will fur- nifli the beft proof of my affertion. " I have heard ♦* much of Demofthenes, from the teftimony of his " contemporaries; of Cicero, from his own. They *' where the ornaments of the moft refined ages of <• antiquity ; — Mr. Flood is the ornament of an age ** ftill more refined : his tafte is manly, his images ♦* are ii8 The BAT CHE LOR. «' are juft — his knoiuledge accurate and extettfive. «« As the fubjeit requires it, lie ftrikes you down of " a fudden, with the flrong quick lightning of the <• Athenian orator ; or conj'umes you with the flow, <' fteady conflagration of the Roman. If Longinus " were now living, he wouid join me in fl:amping *' both ihefe charaders on Mr. Flood, as readily as " he beflowed them feparately on Deniollhenes and «' Tully." It is my utmofl: ambition, fir, to illuflrate the jufl: and beautiful fentiments of this judicious critic, by giving them a poetical drefs : you, Mr. Wagftatfe, will have another opportunity of convincing the public of your impartiality and candour, by inferting the inclofed verfes, and treating with proper defe- rence and refpeft, a man, who by the moll: vigorous and perfeverir.g efforts, in every noble ftudy and fci- ence that can accomplifli the orator, has at lafl: at- tained the fummit of perfeftion, and is now become the fcourge of corruption, the terror of the court, the champion of his country, and the pillar of oppofition. I could fay much more on fo inex- hauftible, and agreeable a fubje£t, but I juft: recol- le<5t Pliny's maxim, *' Amici eji, ne quenquam enerare " laudibus" I am, fir, yours, PHILO TACITUS. The B A TC HE LOR. 119 To H Y F D, Efq. I. OF D, thou genius of the age, Hibernia's exultation [ You ftrike us with the lightning's rage ; Confume by conflagration. IL By mere ilijiortion you arofe, True eloquence to fpout j As inufic from a cymbal flows, By luinding it about. III. Your tafte Is manly j—^j/r^^jufl:. Which fpring from objects local ; Your tropes like to a torrent burft, ** And makes the benches 'uocal." IV. As tumblers y?rf/f/^ their nat'ral fize, Ey Jirainitig every joint ; So you from Truth, can fubtilize. To reach a fav'rite point. Were F d's, like Cori'lanus' fpite, The French might foon come over j With him from Calais fail at night, And next day land at Dover. VI. 120 The BATCHELOR. VI. The foutli and weft of Ireland's coaft, By geography, you'd fhun ; Nor to attain that deftined port, Thro' Englifh Channel run. VII. Whifkey and Freedom's all your cry, You praife Timoleon's cafe ; Who thank'd the gods with upca/i eye, When knaves fpit in his face. VIII. You everfcorn, with laurels wreath'J, Court funfliine, or its ftorms ; As hardy Jhips, in copper Jheath' J, Defy both waves and worms. IX. Beyond Demofthenes you roar, In a£tion outdo Tully j Whilft Fame proclaims from fliore to lliore, Our Orator, and Bully. X. If Athens yet in arts had Hione, She'd yield the palm, tho' /oth ; Rome would fuperior Callan own, Parnassus, bowtoHowTH. XI, The B ATCHELO.R. 121 XI. Let all be hufli'd— He means to rife j — The hemming courtiers fees ; Then threats, and marks with vengeful ejes AH thofe who cough or fneeze. XII. J s and II n, with patriots rnvge ! Ey your invedtlves drawn ; So cudgeWd pigs their nature change, And take the name of Brawn. XIII. Your humour neiVi and poignant wit, Ev'n H ch n could feel ! With fharp, and brilliant pun you hit. That NAVE within the wheel. XIV. O long may Flood the fenate grace, His country's friend, and darling ! Remain a patriot out of place. To guard us by his f/iarlirrg. NUM- 12.2 The B A T C H E L O R. NUMBER XXIII. ^ter.quani res agitur Jolenni feria pompa, Spernit follicitum intradalilis ille tumult tun, Et riju importunus adejl, atque omnia turbat. JVlACiiiN.t Ge3ticulantes, Add. To Jeoffry Wag staff e, Efq. SIR, *>0 a gentleman of your facetious turn, I addrefs rDylelfwith little difficulty: both of us lo- vers of mifih, we cannot divert the public without contributing at the fame time to our own entertain- ment : befides, if you are fo good, as to uflier my humours into the world from the Mercury, I fhall think niyfelf bound, in the honefc hoarlenefs of friendlliip, to croak out fome encomiums on you, at the little theatre in Stafibrd-ftrcet. Your patron, the political Punch, who like myfelf, teazes and diverts all parlies alternately, is a man after my own heart : he never brings a face o{ bufi- nefs, or an air of importance into places dedicated to relaxation and merriment. The delight he, his children, and the beautiful young lady, who I am told is fiiortly to become his Joan, exprelTed at my laft exhibition, has made fuch an impreinon on me in his favour, that I have taken fome pains to compofe a few rhymes for his amufe- meut. Ihe B ATCHE LOR. 123 nient, on a fubjefl, of which I am as Competent a judge as my name-fake Sir Toby, who I hear intends ihortly to talk about it in lerious profe, at a rival theatre in College-green, 1 am ever, dear Wagllaffe, Sancho's friend and yours, Btafford-Jlreel, yi Feb. P U N C H. I. COME all ye lovers of the dance. Brought of late from fprighily France, Many a jig perhaps you've knovi'n, But none like our Cotillion, II. Patriots, Courtiers, mingled fee. Some in dumps, and fame in glee ; Thefe rejoice, while thoje louk on, At this merry Cotillion. ill. Sancho bids the pipe play up, Yet fvvears before the dance he'll fup ; *'■ Since the dye at laft is thrown, " Why not dance a Cotillion ?" IV. Rudy O — b — ne leads the band, I.ink'd with Mafon hand in hand j B — rn — d next, from BoJIonJIoivni Joins this motly Cotillion. Gz V, 124 The BATCHELOR. "W — 11 — r too, that courtly beau, (With him by Hill — b — h ta^en in lozvj Tells them all his cares are gone, And trilks about in Cotillion. VI. Flood indignant roars aloud, (Idol of the gaping crowd) ♦' M^/.u/e they frolic, let us groan, *' And interrupt this Cotillion. VII. See Sir George arriving late. Calls it a/«M.v pas of ftate, Yet as ufual, en hon ton. Recommends this Cotillion. VIII. Ponfonby with feign'd furprize, Damns both the cuftoms and excife ; Since his dancing days are gone, He trys to mar this Cotillion. IX. H 1 who loves nor dance nor fong, Takes his place amidil the throng, And crys, " I'm pleas'd at this I own, " That Shannon hates the Cotillion." X. The B A TC HE LOR. 12^ X. An d s in a jovial mood, Swears 'tis for the country's good ; Tho' his ruinp with fat's o'er grown, He'll join in ev'ry Cotillion. XI. The Marquifs In a witty fpeech, Lor.d Sancho threatens to impeach, And vows that nothing fhall atone, For this unlatvful Cotillion. XII. Scowling Brov/nlow views the groupe, Mad as Bacchanalian troupe, And prefers the bagpipe's drone, To this Caftle Cotillion. XIII. Lucius, bufy, dull, and proud, Sne«ring at the fervile crowd ; Swears he'll ftiake the chair alone, If it joins the Cotillion. XIV. Father John in difma! tune, Whines, " We fhall be beggar'd foon," The mitre from his fon is thrown. Which makes him curfe this Cotillion. G3 XVi 126 The B ATCHELOR. XV. He late defied Hibernia's foes, Uut JefF — ys led him by the nofe^ And bid him preach to his old crone, Nor fpoil his little Cotillion. XVI. D — ly rcxt bewails our fate, And paints the couniry's ruin'd ftate ; Swears vvcMl vv^int another loan, To fupport this Cotillion. XVII. Sage Malone with downcafl: brow, Shakes his wig, and wonders how, The Common's vote (liould be o'er thrown, By crafty Sancho's Cotillion, XVIII. Mount — r — s, B — h. — m — nt, and M — r,e. Oh were they but here again, They'd work old Sancho to the bone, For calling up this Cotillion. XIX. When this horrid plot was told, llow the country's bought and fold ; Lord Shannon met my Lord Tyrone, An/{ then they ilanc'd a dtiilion. Feb. ^th 1772. N U M- The B ATCHELOR. m yf7jere/is all ivriters and reafoners have agreed, that there is a Jlriit uni'verfal refemblance heiiueen the natural and loii'ical bodj, can there he any thing vi'jre evident, than that the heal'h cf both mujl he preferred, and the dijeafes cared hy th^ fame pre- Jcriptionf It is alloived, that fer.ates and great councils are ojten troubled 'with redundant, ebulli- ent, and other peccant humours ; "uiith many dij- eafes of the head, and more of the heart ; 'with Jlrongconvulftons, ijoith grievous contrarians of the nerves and fneivs in both hands, hut efpecially in the right ; vuith fpleen, fatus, vertigoes, and de- liriums J vjith fcrophulous tumours, full of feet id, purulent matter ; ivith fovuer, frothy rudations ; voith canine appetites, and crudenefs of digejlion ; heftdes many others needlefs to mention. This Dc£ior therefore propofed, that upon the meeting of a fenate, certain phyfcians JJ:ould attend at the three fir ft days of their fitting, and at the clofe of each day^s debate, feel the pulfe of every fenator ; and pre- fcribe as their fever al cafes required, [sc. Gulliver's Travels. To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. SIR, I HEARTILY wifh the fcheme propofed by the I.aputan projcflor, was adopted, as it would be ciilremel)' beneficial to the public. There are fjnie G 4 peculiar 128 The BATCHELOR. peculiar difeafes, which feem wholly confined to the fenate ; I fl all, therefore, fpecify the maladies and fymptoms, which are charafteriftical of the perfons : thofe I ferioufly recommend to the care and fkill of Dr. Solomon, in hopes of feeing them enroll- ed amon^ his honourable lift of patients, who have certified themfctvcs radically cured by that eminent phyfician. I am, fir, yours, SaVV-NEY Cu\'IGAM20, C. S. H — ry FI — d, Efq; afflicted wiih a fharp bilious chollc, which often felzes him in ihe middle of a de- hate. His face appears convulfed and dirtortcd, his brow knit, his ful clenched, which he frequently Ihikes on the bench. In the paroxyfm of the fit, he abiifed every body who fits oppofite to hiiii, cal- ling them flavifn dependents of corruption, tools of an arbitrary, tyrannical adminiltration. — If the com- niilTioneis of accounts or excife are mentioned, he leeins affecled like a perfon bit by a mad dog, in the angu;(a of the hydrophobia. — It is remarkable, that Mr. Fl — d can feldom pronounce a word of lefs than five fyllables during the fit. Sir William M — ne, horribly afflifted with fcro- phulous tumours, which he contracted by wafhing in the river Tweed. His brain is alfo fomewhat d!f- ordered, by the pains he took in teaching the chien fca is afflifted with a complication of diforders, which' has deprived him of all memory and undetftanding,. fo that he could not, for many years, remember a- promife he had made but an hour before. He- is at prefent in the laft ilage of a galloping confump— tion. W — m B low, Efq; ever fince the year 1753^- has been troubled with fower, frothy ru6lations,- which proceed from a foul ftomach. W m B — gh, Efq; is infane, as he believes in; the tranfmigration of fouls, and fancies he is the ex-- ecutioner who beheaded King Charles the Ift. He; often wilhes to be employed in his old office, and! longs for a. fubjiantial a£t of jujiice. The D — e of L — fler's malady is the flatus, - vertigo, and vapours. He often fuppofes himfelf Lord Lieutenant, and then performs the moft ridi- culous actions : foraetimes he goes in ftate to his ftables, in a bomb-cart, painted over with ducal co- ronets, which he calls a (late coach. — One of his podillions then prefents him a memorial, for an ad-- ditional allov/ance of fmall-heer and oats 3 his Grace ■ G 5 replies,. 130 The B A TC H E L O R. repliep, <• Le Roi le veut." At another time lie iflues out an order on the dairy-maid, for an extraor- dinary jug of creain, which he ftylcs a wairant on the treafury for his quarter's falary. The E — 1 of Bel-'—nt has been afHi^led thefe many years with St. Vitas's dance. He loft his fen- fes in Lord Northumberland's admlniftration, by the nisgical effects of a red ribband which was pre- fented to him at the Caftte. The fight of a Chan- cellor's wig, or a bidiop's caul, makes him outrage- ri!S : he then jabbers an unintelligible jargon, and fKips and runs about like a monkey that has flip'd his chain. Lords L — fle and B — 1 — lafs are troubled with grievous contrr.dlions of the nerves and fniews of both hands ; efpecially Lord B — 1 — lafs. It is remarkable that thefe fpafms feem hereditary in his family. — Both thefe peers are alfo torment- ed v.'iih caiiine appetites, and a crudenefs of digef- tion. The right hon. J — s F cue, Efq; Crews evident fymptoms of idioiifm and lunacy. Howe- ver the Chancellor has refufed to appoint him guar- dians, as Mr. F' cue takes uncommon ci\t of his fortune, and ufes every means to preferve it. This term, he filed a bill in Chancery, to prove himfelf one of Do6lor Swift's co-heirs. lie fues for two appartments in the hofpital, as he claims under a double title. Mr. Malone is his counfel, and as he is particularly acquainted with Mr. F cue's cafe, he makes no doubi of his client's iuccefs. Com- e The B A TCHELOR. 131 Coun(elIor F tz -ns, contraded a' poly- pus in the heart, at the Jefuits college, in St. Omer's. This poor old man defpairs of his recovery, as he is perfuaded, that nothing but holy 'water., confecrated by a bifhop of his own familv'j will relieve him. His breath is fo tainted by the corrupt pus in his heart, that it would often prove mortal to his fi lends, if he was not forced out of the Houfe, before the queilion is put. Lord M — ra, unfoitunately had the Cerebrum and Cerebellum totally difplaced, by getting ti rock too much in the cradle, during his infancy. There- fore from a natural cefeft in his inteliedls, and not from any moral depravity, he falfifies and mifrepre- fents every clrcumfi:ance and ftory he relates. Truth is refracfed into falfehood, by paHlng through the medium oi his brain, as an oar appears crooked in the v/ater. The Earl of Ch — mout, has been afrliifted ever fince he was of age with a locked javj, which feizes him periodically ia the Houfe of Lords. He firfi: contra further mark of his reconciliation with govcrn- •' ment, he would a(k for the next blue ribband, and " for fome honourable promotion in the law for the " friend he was talking to." — I heard them both agree, in an under voice, that Sir William M — ne was of no fervice to any party, and hoped that he would never again return to Ireland, to perplex and delay the bufinefs of the nation. Lord Townfhend, in the mean time, with a coun- tenance full of difcontent and ftupidity, withdrew in the moft ungracious manner from the company that furrounded him, and making to the chaplain's box, lie there fhut himfelf up, drawing the cui tains clofe about him: his fecretary, Mr. Malcne, the Prime Serjeant, the Provoft, and many other refpe<5table perfons came to confult with him, but he flounced from one fide to the other of his box, and refufed to hear them. To their advice he made no other an- iwer than, " that he had taken his refolution, and it " was in vain to argue with him, for he never " changed his opinion for any man." — On this they left him, with manifeft tokens of wonder. He then pulled out a memorandum book, and a pencil ; I could fee he made feveral entries of a very frivolous nature, tho' with a face of much attention and im- portance : amongfl; the reft, I remember there was a nev/ receipt for making F'uller's balls, to take ftains o'at of his footmen's liveries, and a hint tow~ ards improving an engine for dividing boiled beef into pounds, half pounds, and quarters, with many others of the fame nature; all very III fpelt and in characters like thofe of a child who is learning to join his letters. The T^6 The B A T C H E L O R. The Earls of E — y and Sh — on, were the next who took their places. After they had made their bows and withdrawn, Lord E — y talked in a very fullen, diftatorial manner to his friends of the county of Wexford. I heard him fay to counfeilor H — 11 — n, and two gentlemen of his own name and family, " that unlefs they went through thick and " thin with him, they might bring themfclvcs to " parliament the next time, for he would have done "with them." — Lord Sh^ — on was all complaif- ance and affability, inviting every one he met to pafs fome time with him at Caftlemartyr ; and af- furing them, with an air of great franknefs, they might command every thing of which he was mafter. To this couple fucceeded Mr. P — rry and Mr. P by. After Mr. Richardfon had done with the former, I heard him fay, that in all his prac- tice he had never diflefled a founder cranium, that though the brain was light and compact, yet it lay eafy, and the cells were admirably divided. — < But my furprize was great, when I faw Mr. Cun- nin|diam (who had Mr. P by's head in his hand) throw away his faw, and take up a pen- knife, with which he fepaiated the hinder part from the finciput, with as much eafe, as if he had been cutting up a paper lantern. He could not forbear crying out, (during the operation) in his country dialed, (which is the Scotch) " Weei, ** dam my b!ud, if in aw my experience, I ever ♦* kend the like ont ; the cheeld's heed is as foft " and fpOHgy as a pink'd orange, or an Edinburgh " turnip." When Mr. P — rry withdrew, there was a total change in his behaviour; he frequently laughed without any caufe, thumped one gentle- man on the back, and embraced another to whom he The B AT CHE LOR. 137 he was a ftranger ; he was always looking about for fomebody to lliake hands with, fwore repeat- edly " he would fupport his friends to tne lalt, " but if the houfe defired him to carry up their " addrefs, he'd refign the next .morning j lb they *• might all fink or fwim together." He then got into the chair with an hop, ftep, and jump, and (tho' the houfe was not fitting) put fe\reral quef- tions almoil in the fame breath, making as many miflakes in almoft every one of them, Mr. P by, on the other hand, became com- pofed and ferious : he walked to his feat with a ileidy even pace, keeping his eye on the objeilll he was moving towards : he feldom looked about him, yet behaved with a mixture of coniplaifance and dignity to every one that addrefied him. This couple had fome converfation together, and when they parted, the by-ftanders faid in a whifper, loud enough for me to hear, " that if their heads ** had been exchanged two years fooner, Mr. *' p. — rry would never have got the chair, nor Mr. " P by refigned it." a Sir George Macaitney and Mr. Fl — d, then paf- fed thro' the hards of the furgcons. Their under- ftandings feemed neither much improved nor im- paired by their new occupits; but it was obferved that Mr. Fl — d's didlion became more poliflied and intelligible, and that his countenance foftened ; while Sir George's grew ferocious, his gefture me- nacing, and his addrefs loft much of its ufual gen- tlenefs and infinuation. A very extraordinary circumftance prevented an exchange between the Provoft and Vice Provoft, who 138 The BATCHELOR. who were the next fubjeiSls. As Mr. Richardfbn was applying the half fkull of Dodor CI t's to the head of the Provoft, the laft mentioned gentle- man flirug'd up his fhoulders, and complaining of fomething trickling down his neck, ir.fifted on looking into the occupit of the DoiFlor. The con- tents had no appearance of brains, either in colour or confiftence, but the cavity feenied to be filled with a reddilh liquor, like that of the infide of a melon. The Provoft immediately fcized the artift's Jiand, and protefled ftrongly againfl: being put ofF with a (kul! that could be only a dead wight on him, inftead of his own, v.'hich was allowed by all prefent to be a very compleat one. — The friends of DoQor CI 1 (v/ho were chiefly in the gallery) feemed greatly mortified, when Mr. Richardfon ref- tored the Provoft's head to its firft ftate, as Mr. Cunningham did the fame to that of the Doftor. Our expeftations were greatly raifed by the next couple, Mr. Malone, and a gentleman who had ma- ny alias's to his name, being called Counfeilor J — n F — tz ns, alias Father John, rJuTs Fryar John, alias John the Dominican. When Mr. Ma- lone was feated, (which took up fome time) I ob- ferved Surgeon Richardfon did not proceed to bufi- nefs with his ufual prefence of mind and alacrity. He furveyed the head feveral times with great re- verence, and feemed unwilling to do it any violence. The patient at length gently chid him for the delay, and told him, " if the houfe were fitting, he might be •' calledtoorderforkeeping them waiting:" Mr. Rich- ardfon then pulled a cordial out of his ppcket,fwa!low- ed it, and performed the operation. Nor was Surge- on Cunningham lefs embarraiTcd by his patient, who infilled peremptorily that the v.'Ork fliould be done withoiit Th B ATCHELOR. 139 without his taking off his periwig. His pretence was, he was afraid of cold; but a friend who was in the focret, whifpered nie, that he did not care to have his head uncovered, as the maiks of the Tonsure were dill to be feen in it. When the bufinefs was over, the exchange fcem- ed greatly in favour of Counfellor F^— tz ns : his voice became clear, ftrong, and harmonious ; the little he faid on every fubjett was pertinent and v/eighty, and there was an air of uncommon can- dour and dignity in his whole behaviour. — Mr. A^hdone uttered fome inchoherent fentences in a ve- ry difagreeable tone of voice, which were ill re- ceived by the few who had patience to liften to him. As Mr. C y and his brother-in-law, Mr, St — p! — s, were advancing, a member remarkable for his pleafantry, (I think it was Mr, Scott) made a propofal which was agreed to : " That Mr. C y *' (hould remain as he was, becaufe it feemed •' impofliible to determine who was his oppofits •' party-man ; and becaufe no new occupit could ♦' make him more oppofite to himfelf, than his own «' aiftions had already made him. For the truth *< of which, he appealed to that gentleman's con- ♦' duQ during Lord Tounfhends adminiftration, to " his brother-in-law the commiflloner, and above " all, to the feveral voles he had given on both fides of queftions of the very fame import, concern- •' ing the commiffioners of excifc." Mr. Commif- fioner G — e hearing this, flopped out of hi;; place, and defired to be confidered as under the fame con- tradiflory predicament with Mr. C y. His condui^It being examined, his pica was admitted, and 140 The BATCH ELOR. and he alfo was excuftd from undergoing the ope- ration. Many fucceding couples interchanged their heads, without any extraordinary occurrence. I muft juft take notice, that in every inftance, the whole nature of the pcrfons feemed to be transferred with the half of their brains. Thus the ftupid became witty ; the rude poliihed j the giddy ferious, and fo, Mr. Soleiiin. Mr. Solemn. No, fir. Wc nmft have a reckoning on that point fiift, it ia my own concern. Sir Tohy. Or niir.c. But tliat matter will break ro ftjuarei., we will fettle the matter amicably and tof; lip for it. \_Alule'\ Tf old Sir Toby was alive, I ml^ht have rode a match for it, and dart- ed his P;Kit;reen mare againil Solemn'^ Limerick Bangno. "jaik. Conllder, gentlemen, that I have nothing now to depend on hut your bounty; by your ad- vice, (for 1 never /hould have done It of my own head) I have promifed never to take either a peer- age o: a penfion. Sir Tohy^.^ But nobody believed yon, your name's a proverb; for you broke your proniife fo often, that it is not expftled you ihould keep it nov/. yack. So, gentlemen, you don't think mc bound by this promife. Omnss. By no means. Jack. Egad I am glad of it, I have had many an uneafy ho'ir, and Lady B y, poor good foul, is lather difiatistled, and fays I have been walking in trammels The B A TC HE LOR. 151 trammels ever fince I made it, for in G— 's name,- if I keep it, what will become of me. ivirh a new Lord Lieutenant — By the way, have you any private let- ters from England that mention a change? This is a damned affair of Colonel Lutlerel's, and Doctor Lucas. By the by, I wonder he is not here : my Lord Marquifs where is he ? Marnuifs. I h-ve not feen him fince tlie franchi- fes. Jack. My dear Marquifs, I am told you and he made a gloiious figure that day, and that V^ulcan and Venus, the printing-prefs and ftocking-loom, were nothing to you. Prince. It was a well judged, patriotic meafure. I fiiould have gone to fee the raree-fhew myfelf, but I took phyfick that day, and (o fent young Billy. By the way, don't you think the licenfe of the prefs is greatly abufed ; the venerable fenator, Do6tor Lucas has been fqueezed into a ballad, and fung all over the town to the tune of " my Kitten my Dearee." Mr. Polyphlolhoios. The licence of the prefs is a facred privilege [a long pauze] without it the Free- man's Journal would want fome of my beft effays. My Pollhumus, my Sindercomb, [pauze] my Lord Childermount you know the value of thefe works, your kind obfteterick hand brought them to light ; your tafte approved, and your praife fanQihed them through ali the city. H 4 Furze. 152 The BATCHELOR. Furze. Come. Mr. Polyphlolboios, be juH: ; I furnifhed a few clalFick fprings of rue and wormwood to compleat the nofegay. Mr. Folyfhhjhom. You did, my be ft beloved .' my other felf, were T not Polyphlolboios, I would be Furze. When I get i;ito parliament at the other fide of the water, I will leave you my mantle, with a double portion of the fpirit of Sindercomb. "Jack. What you may do as to that, docs not concern the prcfent bufinefs. What is to be done? Gentlemen, it is hard ; becaufe I am a Ipeaker, no body will give their opinion on this weighty affair. Pray, my lord, what do you think of a memorial in this critical time. Your highriefs has a damned good hand at a memorial. Prince. I do not concern myfelf in public affairs, but I wilh fome of you would prepare one — No, I -will get wife P r B — ; — e, or fenfible R d N — 1 — n to do ir, and then you know they cannot fay it was I that did it. LordCul'verin. For mv part, I think that will do no good : and as for addrefles and reinonftrances, my bro'her Topfail writes me woid from England, they won't do neither : he fays they have tiied ail ways to right the veflel, but (he will neither obey the helm nor ftays. She's as bad as the corporation of Y — gh — II. I wifh the devil had them all, and I my g eat guns again- Jack. The BATCHELOR. 153 Jack. ■ Come, come, my lord, don't be fulky, all will be well again. Lord CuI'verin. Yes, to be fure, with fuch a pilot as you are: you have almoft foundered us, and we fhall all be loft, un'.eis a frefh gale fprings up, and blows over to us Lord Rochfort, or Lord Harcourt, Lord Sandwich, or Lord Any-body but this damned Lord Sancho. Jack. That to be fure is the main point ; is there no way to frighten him, libel him, or cajole him out of Ireland. Mr Polyphlofboios, do tip him another Sindercomb. Sir Toby Punch, you have a very pretty hand at an Agricola. Mr. Solemn, what fay you ? Mr. Solemn. I cannnt write, fpeaking is my fort. Sir Tohy. And I am going to London : perhaps I may tip him an AgriccLi in the London Chroni- cle. Lord Childer mount. I'll have a caricatura drawn of him for my baby-houfe in the country. Sancho, the adorned knight (as the Marquis calls him) Lord Screech Owl, and Boiachio, will make a fine group- for a Dutch picture. When it is fi.nifhed you /halL come and fee it. I have loft my favourite artift, Ennis J but I'll write to my friend Gimcrack, to fend me fome one excellent in that way from Lon- don, for we have none here. You fliall come and fee the pidure, and I'll (liew you my library ; it's a fine room, 56 by 24, and the beft collection of Mo- rocco, vellum and culf Ikin, of any nobleman's in the H e kingdom 154 The B ATC H E L O R. kingdom, all in admirable prefervatlon, for they are never opened. I hnve a choice fel of little elzivir^ in wood, which you fhall fee too, and a fet ot poets and Roman emperors, three of tlicm without heads, but all of them originals; I hought them in Italy :unong feveral other things, which all came fafe except the Pindar, a little Rolonia lap-dog, and a pebble ftone which my horfe picked up eroding the jiver Scamander near old Troy, and honeft Murphy Jhall iell you the ilory. JaLh. I hear they arc curious, my lord ; but I had rather fee them than 'talk of them. My lords and f^cntlemen, here's another prorogation, and all this 10 gratify Borachio and Jack Prancer. Damn it, gentlemen, what has Spaw to fay to the Proroga- tion ? Ireland muft be ruined, becaufe lady Knock- lofty goes to Spaw. Sir Toby. I proteft, gentlemen, as far as I can fee the cafe, Mr. Promife fpeaks very wifely ; what has Spaw lo fay to the prorogation? Nothing in the world, gentlemen. As for my part, gentlemen, t proteft, and I am fincere when 1 protell, I believe Lucan waters would cure lady Knocklofty of the fcurvy as cfFetf^ually as all the waters in Germany. Hut what the devil has Borachio to fay to water- drinking .'' do not we all know it was never his pre- cept or practice in Ireland. P'jJyphJofl'oios. Curfe on the prorogation — It is the ■very bane of oratory How can a n:an arrive at the flowery plains of honour and reputation, but through ^^e nnilt;tiidinous fca of political contell: and debate, where the multifarious iubjeds call forth the innate powets of the whole man ; when the exquifite phrafeology The B A T C H E L O R. 155 phrafeology of polyfyllables, too big for utterance, agitate the whole frame, make the eyes ftare like the infpired Sybils, and when the uplifted hand forces even the oaken benches to re-echo the fpeak- er's reputation. My lords and gentlemen, it was a fortunate prorogation for Prancer. I had penned and pradtiied a PhiUpick. 'Squire Furze, you have heard me repeat it often ; it is truly Demoilhenick. I'll give you fome ftriking paiTages. Jack- For God's fake referve it for the houfe, I fhall hear more than enough of fpeeching if ever we meet there. I hate long debates, belides here is no room for debates j we are all of one mind, we are all of one party. Prince. Party, Mr. Promife ; I do not intermed- dle with politicks or party. Jack. God blefs me, me lord, what brought us all hear then t I think we were all of one party lad winter ; I am fuie I thought myfelf much obliged by the uniform fupport of your friends; God knows I often wanted their help. I thought we were this day to cement our party yet ftronger, and laid the- plan for our future operations againft Sancho. Lord Cuhjerin. I really thought fo. Polyphlojloios. I fliculd never have acceded to this day's negociatlon, if I had not thought it was finally to determine our future co-operati- ons. Prince. Gentlemen, you really furprife me. '■ Sslemn. 156 The B A T C H E L O R. Solemn. Surprife you, my lord — we ou^Kt !u he furprized. You invited us here, for what — was it to comniunicate your thoughts on public affairs, — you have told us nothing — was it to confult, you have broached no fuljed — afked no man's opinion —thanks to my prudence, I have given none — it is not my cuflotn, what I rcfled upon in the honefty of my own heart, is fafeft there, no betrayer fliall fnatch it from my bread:, and my Lord, I difclaim all party as fully as your highnefs, or any gentleman •who hears me fpeaiv. My thouji,his on public mat- ters, I fliall utter when and where I ought: they fiiall not be anticipated in tavern talk over the ta- bles of gamblers. My Lord, you value youifelf on your taciturnity, I appeal to your fincerity — was it to mock us you called us here — did you weary your horfes and your fervants, to fummon us hear upon a matter of iefs weight than viewing your improve- ments ; a matter of no weight, when the moll weighty preffures bow down this pillaged country. If, as I hoped, yours and Promijes'% jaring intcrefts could be reconciled, my hand had heip.'d the caufe of liberty againft the ralhnefs of a wanton Viceroy. This is your card, my Lord, if It is mockery on me, it is no honour to the fender. Sir Toby. I proteft, as for my part, I (hould not have came here but for your highneh's card. Omr.es. Nor I. Furze. By G — this Is as ridiculous and incon- gruous (as my fiiend Po!yphIofl.)olos calls itj as a confukalion of phyficians about a dying patient ; the The B ATCHELO R. 157 the country may perifh— but indeed we are not fed to preferve it, Prirce. My lords, and you gentlemen, I folemn- ly declare to you, I know as little of the cards as I do of the bufinefs that brought you hear. I gave no diredtions about cards, my fecretary would not dare to write without my authority ; I am fure both B e and N n have too much fenfe to endanger the lofs of my favour j it muft be fome boyifh joke. Solemn. Joke, My Lord ! it is a ferious offence. Prince. Oh, Mr. Solemn, do not take it fo fe- rioufly, it is probably a joke of my coufin Willy's, Polyphlojhoios. What, B h. Prince. Yes, you know he is lively and fpiri- ted. Polyphlojhoios. I know he is impetuous, but do not believe him fo unmannerly. Prince. But, my lords, gentlemen, you will (lay and dine. Furze. No, my lord, we have gotten a bellyful of this viiit already. [Exeunl omnes. NUM- 158 The B ATCHELOR. NUMBER XXVIII. Facundi calices, quern non fee ere ilifer turn. A letter from Mr. Pryabout Shorthand, to one of his Majeftys principal Secretary s of State. N obedience to your Lordfhip's commands I fend ^ vou the minutes of tlie Debating Society, and v.'iih all humility, I fubmit it as my opinion, that there is no necefiiiy for my continuing longer on this dutv, as the meeting is already fallen into as much contempt in this metropolis, as the Society of the Bill of Rights with you. I have received the five hundred pounds for the laft quarter, by an order on the Treafuiy, and wait for your Lordftip's further inftruflions. I have the honour, &c. The PRESIDENT'S Charge from the Chair. ** Gentlemen, IT gives me heart-felt fatisfadlon, to behold fuch a re'peftable aflemblage of the fons of freedom, met to give their ultimatum to the moft conftitutio- nal quellions. We have been threatened with a mercenary band of blood-thirfty redcoats, who would maflac.e us with as little remorfe as our bre- thren in Sc. George's-ilelds, or in the ftrcets of Boilon : fuch a terror are we become to this venal and The B ATCHELOR. 159 and corrupt adminiftration, under which we groan ■ — Moreover, a wicked judge has recommended It to 2i packed jury, to prefent us as a niiifance — Thus are we difgraced my friends — We are efteemed like the dirt of the ftreet, yea, like unto had po'vement, or a dunghill ! — Wherefore, fhall we not roufe ? Shall we not make our opprefTors tremble ? Shall the famed and gallant fons of Hibernia remain tame and fubmilTive, when chains are forging for them ? — O ftupid generation ! well may ye be likened unto a fmith's dog, that deeps under the anvil, though To many fiery fparks fly about him. 1 am a freeman, a fon of Bofto«ian independence and liberty. I was going on a million to America, to propagate the Chriftian faith among Infidels, but have fixed my abode among you, to eftablifh an hibdov.al feminary ■where each perfon may learn ail the trt e graces of elocution, at the moderate expence of one fliiiling. Let uo then hold the murrour up to natvi.'e, as Shake- peare fays, and make the wicked tremble. — I am by birth a North country Englifhman : I was bred up, as T luay (ay, at the foot of Gan/^liel. and I ftij] re- main a true fon of the Kiik. I was degraded from my ghoRly function, for getting a wencli with child at Dumfries ; I afterwards ferved as chaplain, and fometimes locum tenens, at the R-obin Hood Society, fo that I hope ye are fatisfied with my abilities to fill my prefent ftation with luftre and dignity, notwlth- llanding the bafe reproaches of a reverend gentle- man, who is to be made a bifliop for abufing me and this refpeclab'e fociety — [a hv.d clap]. — But I beg pardon, I fhall read the quetlion. PVheiher the prefent calamities of the kingdom of Ireland^ in gene- raU (ire in the lea[l degree to be attributed to the con^ dua i6o The B A T C H E L O R. dud of our prefent Chief Go'vernory and his party ? And if noty to nvhat are they to be attributed P This oration from the chair was received with great applaufe — Several orators, dillinguifhed in the fcnate, rofe to fpeak, among the reft Sir William M'Eftimate, who Ipoke jis follows. " Mr. PrefiJent, IK E N very v,-eel frae whence all the calamities of this nation derive their fpring and origin — It is frae the decline of the nianufadtures, which pro- ceed frae the prorogation' of parliament, and frae ftriking my name frse oi:t the privy council h-ike., which a noble Duke of this country took fo much to heart, that he would nae longer fit among fuch folk when I was put awa'. — But what better can we ex- pect, when the Lord Lieutenant's ain fecretary, or amanuenfis, is Sir G ge M — t — ey, Lord Bute's ain fon-in-iaw. Scottiili influence prevails, and as the fcrapture fays, preferment nae comes from the South, nor frae the Eafc, nor yet frae the Weilj then it is plain to any cheeld. who u:.derftands boxing the compafs, that it mufl come fraethe North. But it is an ill wind blaws no body gude. *' Ah culd I once have the fe'icity of feeing my gude freend, the greet Duke, his Mnjefly's ain fub- Ititute in this kingdom, every thing would gang on brawly. He is the mon ot ragulerity and exadtnefs —every thing gangs on in his femily by the nicell calculations — not a gill of oats gangs to his ftablcs without proper memorials, returns, and certificates. Ah culd you but behold the periodical cloud ot con- fufion, occafioned by the reciprocal difcharge of the pui- The B A TCHELOR. i6i pulverifing machines, to ornoment the heads of his artillery-difciplined domeftics ; how they gang through their motions and evolutions by the ding of the clapper, as if they were under his Grace's ain former command at Chapple-izod. How they dare not but (lice their bonnocks, and let down their ir^eh by the fame rule — and repletion and evacuati- on (two of the main calls of nature) mud not be at- tended to, without the great Duke's order. Alfo, — but its aw of a piece, the fame exa£tnefs and (Eco- nomy runs through every thing. — Now caft your eyne towards the Caflle, and you'll find it quite daf- ferent. The mon at the heed of it does not mind his equipage, or his money, but fquanders the lall, fometimes in donations that would make even the bank of Edinburgh fhrink, — in a thoufand pounds Britifh to one red coat, half as much to another, only becanfe he kend them to be Hout lads, that had none of their ain to purchafe preferment. But hut awa, the wee fandy box is juft run out, and I'll not trefpafs on the rules of the Society ; for here, as in another place, while I have the honour to fit, I'll ftand or faw by their privileges" A member without a /hirt, a large cudgell in his hand, and a long fword by his fide, rofe next, and (poke as follows. IH A V E lijlened to all that has been faid againft the Lord Liftenant and geverment, with the greatefl pleafure, becaufe I niver was in company with either of them, and they that are not my ac- quaintance can't be my friends, and as I am part of the conmmnity, in my free debating capacity, they can't be the friends of all Dublin. There is nizier, I'm i62 The BATCH ELOR. I'll) fure, hardly njent/em in Fleet-ftreet or Chequer- lanc, or any of the contagious places, who dots not thinl; the prorogation was, and is the caufe of all cur misfortunes, which we have been fuffciing thefe ten years, for how will poiatoes grow, when there is no parliament to encourage ngiiculture — or how will we get whifliey to keep up cur fpirits, when the county of Clare's mimber can't make a motion about it. Tjiefe, fir, I take it are ferous confiderations, and worthy the attention of luch a body of gentle- men as we are. But, fir, there is fomething more to be imputed upon the Lord Liftenant, and that is, fir, that he ftays \\qxq fpimling his money among us, when fix times lefs would be fpent if we had our ould juftices. Sir, I think it is now pretty clear, .that the Lord Liftenant and the prorogation, are tv/o of the worft people that ever was in this coun- try. I hope, therefore, well conclude with a vote, that they are both our enemies." This fpeech v/as received with great applaufe. The prefident then gave three diftinft knocks with his hammer, commanded filence, and alked if any perfon chofe to fpeak to the queftion. Lord Chil- dermount then rofe up, and faid. " Mr. Prefident, THOUGH I have long fat in the firft aflembly of this nation, abforbed in filence, yet — yet — among you, gentlemen, 1 will attempt to articu- late on the prefent deplorable flate of affairs. — Firft, I would have you to know, that all governments are alike — all tyrannies and corruption. I never could fee any palpable difference betv/een this or that government. A Bafhaw of Turkey, or a Lord Lieu- tenant, The B ATCHELOR. 163 tenant, is all alike to me. I always oppofe, and will oppoje, becaufe government is a reflraint on free people J therefore it is wrong. Now, feeing it is wrong, I mull be right in oppofing it — [a may imagine, a fmall bird could make but a I'eeblt 'efillaiice in the talons of a fwan. I hope, gentlemen will pardon my wandering a little from tne preier^t queftion ; the depravity of the times, and irregularity of our prefent Viceroy, have been mentioned by a right hon. member. Gentlemen, 1 fliall fpeak truth in public and in pri- vate life : uiy truth is known : 1 declare then on iriy veracity, I have long been acquainted with the prefent Viceroy ; whatever he has done well in this kino-do.ii' he has di'^ne by my council ; the 0£tenni- al Bill, the tax on abfentees, the bounty on liten, were meafuies I plann'd and recommended. Yet centleraen, this very Viceroy, has treated me with indignity and ou. lage. Gentlemen, can you believe it ? he kick'd iiie down flairs; for what did he kick me down ftairs ? For fpeak'ng truth ; for fuch truths as mil. e, your prefent Chief Governor defpi- fas and ridicules. If any can duubt what I fay, 1 can fhew the black and blue maiks on a certain pari of my body, which decency will not permit me to name. — {Here the ajjemhlj cried out'] fhew it, fliew it. Lord The B A T C H E L O R. 173 ILord Ferfix.] If gentlemen infiil: upon it, I fhall comply with their lequells, and ftiew the marks of difgrace. — [Jli roared ou!] fKew them, fhew them. Tsm Decorous Letriffle*, the ordeily Seijeant at this lime, rofe from a nitch, and fpoke as fol'ows : Thomas Decorous Letri£Je.~\ Gentlemen, T cannot hy any means agree with the honourable fociety,- and give it as (l»y opinion, that the right hon. mem- ber Ihould not reveal to public view thole Ib.ipes, which his pofteriors received from the foot of a ivrant Viceroy. I therefore humbly move, that a fecret committee be appointed to infpeft the parC difcraced, and to make their report to this honoura- ble fociety. Omnes. A committee, a committee, [Lord Fore- c/ijlle rifes.] Hear him, hear him, hear your wor- thy member Lord Forecaftle. Lord Foreca/I/ef.] By G— d,T think lh.h free focie- ty, feems like a fliip which has neither mall, compafs, or ar.clior. Thofe who fhould work the velTel, ara all reeling and drunk as hell j this quefliion now be- fore us, (do you fee) is whether a refolution qF the Houfe of Commons has the power of an a(5t of par- liament : inftead of fpeaking to this point, a right hon. member t-.;Ils you, he was kicked ^very tvellf then he is defired to fiiew his pofteriors, then a fe- cret committee is appointed to infpedl it. What is all this to the queftion } By G — d it's fleering quite out of th'e courfe, into a foul channel. Another « T— — I L te, EA]. \ I^rd L— — J. I J. right 1 74 The B A T C II E L O R. liorht hon. member in outlanJif}} A'^^o, (Iiall of which by G — d I do not underitand) talks of his panting fjr glory, and nonfenfe and ftuff, and of an old vviich, and a blue ilocking, what has all this to fay to the power of the Houfe of Commons ? Who the ilcvil cares about the old bitch. We are then told o\ a black ram with a blue tail, and of a gun turned into jc'.lv, the noble Lord who tells thefe iLionders., may fire a good fliot for ought I know. But as to the prefent queiVton ; that is all my eye, for my part I do not care a damn about thefe bonders. .The quellion is, "Can a refolution of the Houfe of " Commons fuipend the law of the land." You may as well afl-:, " Whether the commands of a «' Lieutenant muft be obeyed, when the Captain is «' on board." Who the devil would aflc fuch an ab- furd queftion } If any perfon talked fuch nonfenfe to me, I'd heave him over board before I'd anfwer him. As to the Lord Lieutenant, (do you fee) tho' 1 do not like to have him freer our veffel, becaufe I wifli for another pilot, (a friend of my own) yet I be- lieve he is a ;olly fellow, and has fome good tun in him. And as-to his kicking a talking fool who tir- ed him, by G — d I do not like him the worfe for it, but enough of this, the queftion before us, is a non- fenfical queftion, and we have had loo much jaw al- leady — fo I have done. JVill. Spitfire*.] Gentlemen I declare upon my honour and reputation, a vote of the Houfe of Commons, ought not to have the force of a law, unlefs when the majority of the lloufe is againft the court in that cafe, and in that cafe only, the ahfolute power of the Houfe of Commons, ought not to be * \V m E— . gh, Efq. denied. The B A T CHEL O R. 175 denied. I reverence, I sdore that Honfe of Com- mcns, Vi'Iiich put the ax to the neck of that ciirfed martyr Charles. I long for a fubflantial ?,6t of ju- ft'ce — if I talk treafon, I am not afhanned of it. T fliall take every occafion to teltify my contempt of all government and governors, particularly of our prefent chief governor. I will go fa.ther, and roufe my country to arm^ to arm? jlrike Jlrike ] will cenfure Majefty, ifc. nay I v.iil do f-me- thin-J vvorfe. Gentlemen may call me a Republi- can ; \ glory in the name ; I glory in the princi- ples ; I fliall ever pay hom.a^e to free fplrits ; I fhall kifs with adoration the hem o{ Mrs. Macauly's re- publican pettycoat, and the anti-minifiierial crutch of Doclor"Bolus. The Stuarts were a fet of tyrants, rafcals, robbers ; their minifters were tyrants, rafcah, robbers ; every minifter is a tyrant, rajcal, robber : we never fliall enjoy happinefs till v/e arc as free as the favage Americans, and the wandering Arabs : rill we are governed by the unerring law of nature. I would have gentlemen know, I '.vas not brought into parliament by any powerful chief. I acknow- ledge no chief; I follow no leader; I will not fol- low reafon, if reafon be with the court ; I will not be led even by common-fenfe, if I find common fenfe joined wiih the adminiftration. Thefe are my prin- ciples, and I will die in defence of thefe principles : 1 fiiall boldly declare to my lafl: moment, that the honors of death are extatick blifsy compared to the fmullcft degree of miniiterial controul. Omnes.] Hear, hear him ; well fpoke, no gdver- r.or, no minifier, no adminifh.atlon : long life to Will Spifitrc, Do(5lor Bolus, Lord Babeltongue, and Sir Ed — w — d N — n — m. I 4 N U M- i:6 The B AT C HELO R. NUMBER XXX. Dux jiimina fa^i. ViRG. The Grey Mare is the better horfe. 7o Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Ffq. SIR, I SEND the inclofed piece to be honoured with a place aiiiongtl your edeemed Speculations, know- ing you have luch a veneration for the relicks of antiquity, that even this, wrote but a century ago, will be reverenced by your applaufe. — It is laid, that the author of it muft have been infpired with a 'fro- phetic fpirit, if he did not allude to any people exilliiig in his time, fince the allegory r.ozv bears the tcft of real perfonification, and is truly defcriplive of an event that lately happened in l^he Wilds of Kerry. A PASTORAL BALLAD, Comp'.Jed one hundred years ago : fet to mufic hy Lad/ A NE FiTZ D. G OOD NATURE and Courtesy, fillers I ween, Twin daughters of Virtue the mother ; In feanues fo like that when fingle they're feen, Folks often take one for the other : The B ATC H E L O R. 177 In gentle complacency, gefture, and grace, A difference fcarce could you fee ; Save one when you fpolce to her fmil'd in your face,. T'other modeftly bended the knee. II. One fine fumiiier's morning lefo'v'd on a roam, They rofe wiih the lark, and as gay. For as they intended to go far from home, Theydre's'd themfelvtb out for the day: Their bujkins they lac'd, fo to leave the knee bare. And move with a grace unconfin'd ; Their robes that were wont to flow loofe in the air,, Were carelefsly tuck'd up behind. III. Enfliihi'd in a fcarf of a rofe colour'd hue,- As fplendid and b.ight as the morn ! A prefent which Hebe the fair goducfs threw O'er tlieir faces the day they were born : While fragrance by Zephyr was pilfer'd away,. And wafted all over rhe dale ; Their fair auburn treffes a-loofe In difplay. Were wantonly kifs'd by the gale. . IV. Thus array'd for the journey, and each to her mind,', They chearfully walk'd on together ; Their fteps were fo flight, left no traces behind, And their hearts were as light as a feather : '♦ Far ivejiixjard" fays Courtesy, " lives a fam'd- " knight, " Near a town in the mountains of Kerry ; *• If fati^u'd, we'll repofe at that feat of- delight, '^ He was viont to be courteous and merry. I 5 ' « Erft 178 The BATCHELOR. V- " Eifl: often times happy we've fung, danc'd, and play'tl, *' And frolick'd away with each other ; *' Hand in hand o'er the hwns and the vallies we " ftray'd, " They took us for filler and brother: ** Fame fays he's much chang'd fince he took a fair *' bride, " Who prefides at the Caftle of Dingle ;" *' He fure won't forp;et us," Goodnature reply'd, " Who carefs'd us fo ofteo when fingle." VI. Thus in chatting along thev beguil'd away reft, 'Till at length they difcover'd a town ; Jufl as Sol funk reclin'd upon Thetis's bread", And eve became dufky and b:Own : When the caille they fought for arofe in full view, Both their eyes and their hearts to delight ; Whofe fplendid appearance they very, well knew, And its bountiful owne: the knight. VII. As they drew near the gate, they adjufled each grace, Which had fuffer'd through toil, and the weather ; The hair the ruJe v.'ind had blown over the face, They comb'd in. and tied up together : Then rapt at the door, and each i'ent in her name, Which anounced that /zyo ladies did wait ; Old acquaintance, they faid, and they thought it no fhame To pay him a vifit, tho' late. When The BAT CHE LOR. 179 VIII. When a dowdy like figure, in riding attire, With as little of beauty, as grace ; The cheeks all empurpl'd, with fpots red as fire, Suffufing it o'er the whole face : With aims fet akimbo, and mafculine air, Advanc'd like the caRle's defender ; Tho' the fex none can vouch, as it breeches did wear, And feem'd of the epecene gender. IX. But a fhrill female voice foon the woman declared. Which pierc'd like the wind in December ; Afiailing the ears of the nymphs, (who were fcar'd,} In words they have caufe to remember: " How have ye the conlidence, hufleys," flie crie?, " At this time of niglit to alarm me ? •' The names you fent in are a parcel of lies , " You are triilh that belong to the army. X. " The perjon you've had the aflurance to name> " Whofe former acquaintance you boaft ; <' Its the worth of his ears, to acknowledge your *' claim, " While I'm at the head of the roafl r *' Such trollops fliall never come near his domain,—' " So march off, and feek for nev/ places." . Then turn'd on her heel with an air of difdain, And flapi the door full in their faces. N U M- lao The B A T C H E L O R. N U M B E R XXXI. 7o Jeoftry WaGoTAFFE, Efq. S I R, NOTW.THSTANDING the great orJer and regulnrity wh'ch is obfeived in the Irilh Ro- bin Hood, and the dignity and impartiality of its worthy Prefident, I cannot help lamenting that a great number of its wife and candid decifions re- main yet unpiinted. Thofe niiftak.es, fir, Tnuft fome- times happen, on account of a praiStice, (which, however, 1 do not prefume to cenfure,) I metn, fir, that of propofirg a great number of queftions at the fame time, and taking the fenfe of the Society, without informing them of the fubjeft. It muft be owned, that this inconvenience is in a great degree remedied by the power fo judicioufly veiled in the prefident, of altering the refoluiions after they have pafTed. If I ^ould make a motion in that aiL-mbiy, *' That the 'U'Jtes lloitld be amended by the Prefident, <' according to truth," it might feem a fervife imitati- on of the conduft of the H e of C ns in j^ ^ W (i's adminiftration, and might be called flattery to the late able and worthy S r, who formerly efpoufed a m 'tion of that kind with all his influence : — Therefor I fhall decline it, and content myfelf with publiiliing the following refolutions, which were all debated with the ufual candour, and argued upon with the ufual folemniiies. Re/ih'ed, The B ATCHELOR. i8i Refoh'ed, That the D — e of L r was always enemy to Privy Council Money-Bills. Refolded, That Mr. B w was a good patriot in the year 17^2, never had any connexion with the late Primate, and obtained his feat at the Council- board by his public virtue. Rejolved^ That L — d S ■ n has been a true pa- triot ever fince the year 1753. Rejolnjed, That Mr. F- d never fupported any ir.eal'ure he had ever oppokd, and that he had no election depending at ihe linie of the aug- mentation. Refolded, That Mr. L fhe never fupported any unpopular adininilhation. Refelved, That Mr. H — fT— y wns not brought in- to parlianient by the D — e of L r, and is under no influence •vhatfoever: Ref-jl'ved, That ivlr. B gh, Lord Childer- mouiiX» Mr. Phlogos the apothecp.vy, and Sir E d N in. are deep reaione s, piofcund politicians, fobsj patriots, and judicijus diredors of the public opinion, Refol-vedy That the late S r's filcnds never gloried in tne name of Hacks, in defiance of all vir- tue and decency. Refuhed, That Mr. P by never voted for an altered Money. Bill ; never fupported aPiivy Coun- cil 1»2 The B A T C H E L O R. cil Money-Bill; never fquandered the public money injobbsj never robbed a man, dulyeledcJ, of his feat ; never fupported penfions ; never oppofed an explanation ot" Pov'ni'ig's law ; never was inconfillent about 'he augmentauon of the aimy ; never ftifled a Mil tia-Bill ; never co-operated \.iih the aban- doned uieafuies of the late Primate ; never broke a promife ; never fupported a motion one day, and re- fcinded it the next ; never falfified the votes of the H. of C- — ns ; never difgraced the ftation of L — d j ce, or C r ; never oppofed the Oclennial-Bill ; never made charity the inftrument of fediiion ; never betrayed a confidential corref- pondence, or falfified a private conveifation ; never was cenfured in the Freeman's Journal ; never was wavering ; never was inconliitent ; never was unpopular. RefoI'vetl, Therefore, that Mr. P by did not quarrel with adminiftraiion about the affair of Lord Jobber-General, but about fome of the raea- fures above-mentioned ; and that his refignaiioa of the chair did not proceed irom fear or folly, but from the nobleft motives, and moft patriotic princi- ples. Refolded, That Mr. P— — by did not deceive his friends v.'hen he took the chair on Tuefday the 26th of February, and did not betray them by defcrting it on the Saturday following. Refohoed, That the city of Dublin did not petition for a meeting of parliament. Rejolved, That tlie D — e of L r and Mr. P by, did not, by tb^ir jeprefeniaiions to their friends The B AT C HE LOR. 183 friends in England, endeavour to prevent the meet- ing of parHament. Rejolved, That the people did not wIOi for it. Rofol'ved, That the m^^eting of parliament was a meafure calculated for the dellriKflion of trade, for demanding of exorbitant loans, and for the repeal of the 0£tennial-Bill, and that it ought to be an unpo- pular meafure. Refohjed, That the decay of public credit, and the ttnaccountakle decreafe in the hereditary revenue, have been folely caufed by the appointment of Sir W m O rn and Mr. B d, in the room of Ivlr. P 'by and Lord L gh. Refolded, That every report propagated by Mr, P by's friends, about the motives for calling the p 1, has proved true. Refolded, That the 0£^ennial-Bill was not obtain- ed under the prefent adminifiration. Rejolved, That a refident Chief Governor never was whhed for by this kingdom ; and is a means of draining it of its wealth. Refolded, That the additional bounty on linens is a great difcouragemenl to that manufafture. RefoI'ved, That the liberty of the prefs is reftrain- ed under the prefent adminifttation, Refohed, That the mofl decent liberties of fpeech are prohibited under fevere penalties. RefoI'ved, 1-84 The B A T C H E L O R'. RefolveJ, That the thanks of this Society be pre- fented to the right hon. L — d L — fle, together with a new v/ig. RefoheJy That the worthy ptitii.l, L — d B — 1 — fs, be elected an honorary member of this So- ciety, and admitted gratis whenever he wears his gpld culfs. Refolved, That the thanks of this Society be pre- fenied to the E — 1 of ]\ nt, for his patriotic tears flied in the H — fe of L ds, together with a new. white handkerchief. Refolvedy That J — n P by, Efq; has for thefe twenty years paft, given one huudrcd guineas donation every fpring to the weavers : therefore his late well-timed benevolence could not be in- tended for fedilious purpofes, on the opening of the. feffions. Refoh'edy That the thanks of this Society be pre- fented to the right hon. J — n P by. I am, Mr. Wagflaffe, your moft obedient humble fervant, An INDEPENDENT HACK. N U M-- The B ATCHELO R. 185 NUMBER XXXII. ^uem 'v'rum, aiit heroa, lyra, t'f/ acri Tibia fumes celehrare Clio ? ^em deum ? lujus recinat jocofa P Nomen imago. HOR. \T7E are obliged to the gentleman who fent us VV the following copy of a celebrated Ode, by poft from Cavan : As it has never appeared in print, we hope the publication will oblige our readers. A MODERN ODE, on ihenjiaory obtained hy C s C te, Efq; oijer the OAK BOYS, and his re^ cei'ving the order of the £*** : Jet to tnufic, and performed at the Cajlle of Dublin, on Monday the \oth of January, 1764; the day appointed for his in'vefiture ivith the enfgns of the order. I. YON valliant chief, behold from far, Refulgent as the morning ftar ; 'Tis C , his country's fhield, The firft in glory's field, His port proclaims the God of War : Maik his graceful flowing wig, Mark, his well ty'd folitare ; Lo, his Ijat with terroi big, And fpangled fword-knot fparkling in the air. II. i86 The BATCHELOR. 11. Round me, he cries, my warriors (land, To fight againft yon hoftile band ; I come — beneath my ftroLe, Fall— fall— ye Hearts of Oai: : Rebellion cea(c at my command. Now, now, I mount my rapid fteed, He flies! he flies! Vv'ith lightning's fpced ; Now, crufh'd rebellion, now vou feel, The pangs, the deaths, that wsit my poiiAi'd flee!. III. View your champion, vlev>' your god, Seize the brick-bat, fe'ze the clod ; Pippins grec;;. and rotten eggs, Hurl them at tiie recreant heads, Miniilers of vengeful hate, Pour the mat the recreant pate ; Let turnips and potatoes flie, Like thunderbolts at every eye, By what ye fed on — rebels, ye fhall die. IV. ^ Let Pruflia's godlike monarch boaft. His well-fought fields, his laurei'd hoft, While Auilria's Eagle drops her wing, And vanquifii'd by the mighty Kiiig, Bewails her pride, her glory lofl:. Yet knov/ proud King, and let it check thy pride, Tho' conqueft's banner now thou waveft wide. Thy vaunted triumphs quickly fliall decline, Loll in oblivion's fliade, while glory circles mine. V. The B A TC KELOR. 187 V. Triumphant C te ! — Ilhiftrlous name [ That foar'ft upon the wings of fame j Above the Lunar-walk, or Milky-way; The whea^-fheaf hears thy dread command, Swift mounts upon the Reclor's ftand, And at thy call, once more, the fqueaking tythe- pigs play. The fringed hero (peaks the word, Unfolds the terror of his fword ; Staves, bricks, and bolts, can nought avail, Shillela's knotted cudgels fail. Thy plume cafts terror all around ; Thy fpangl'd veft, and red-heel'd Hioe, Amaze, confound, the daftard crew : Behold they fall — they die> and dying bite the ground. VI. C te's valllant adls his foes proclaim, Their grief, their tears, record his fame j Crown, Britons crown your Vi^rrior's deed, With fome illuftrious meed That fhall to lateft times record hif. name : Around his manly fhoulders fpread, In waving folds the ribband red ; That emblem bright, Of Bath's proud knight, Given to the fons of glory's line, Shall on C te's breaft with double luflre fliine. ' No i88 The B A T CHELOK. No more fhall H — fT — y's ftar prevail. The gallant Delaval's Ihall fail, While C tes (hall ever blaze, With undiininlOi'd rays, 'Till Heav'n's oib declines, and Nature's felf decays. vir. The ftoried urn, the breathing hud:, May grace the common hero's duil, Thy country, C te, fliall never dt}om, Such vulgar trophies to thy tomb j Here, fliall the fculptor's happy genius fhew, The Aiding movements of the conquering beau : The warrior brave, A I'word (hall wave, With Orient gems the burniflied hilt fliall glow. There, with a mafl:er's hand fliall artifts trace, The p'umed hat, the twee/er cafe, The dancing pump, and ruffle flounc'd with lace. VIII. Rapt in futurity behold, Panting for fame, the warrior bold ; To him fepulchral honours doom, And graceful dance around his tomb ; While in procelhon, mute and flow. The weeping virgins annual go His flirine to deck with painted plumes, Pomatums — pafl:es — and fweet perfumes : Such rites are meet to crown his matchlefs fame. NUM- The B ATC HELOR. 189 N UMBER XXXIII. Boerhaa'vius audcritate Heredoti narrat, pefiilentiam olim GrcecitP illatam fuifje gallinaciurn grege : ad- dit praterea — " Diu enim plumis wvium contagio ♦' adh^refcit." To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. SIR, AS your Speculations are defigned co ercoi;ra?e merit, I think your readers cannot be better entertained, than by perufing a moft valuable and curious extrad from the learned Do£tor Rowley's EfTay on the Plague. This eminent phyfician Is well known to the pub- lic by his advertifement in the Mercury. Though an Englifliman, he has condelcended to vifit this poor couiitry, and now dedicates the few fpare hours which his extenfive pradice allows him, to fcience and literature When the plague raged in Athens, thfre was a folemn einbalfy difpatched to the little town of Abdera, to intreat Hipocrates to vifit the dillrefled Athenians. The phyfician, however re- fufed their requetl, and faid no fee fliould tempt hini to defert his country at fo critical a period. Doctor Rowley, whofe medical knowledge is only equalled by his humanity and generofity, fcorned to imitate the father of phyfic : he juftly concluded that the prorogation rendered us more liable W the infedion, and 190 The B A T C n E L O R. and therefore flew to us nbout the middle of laft Oiflober, as he heard thai Dodtor Lucas (a§ veil as Boeihaavc) was of opinion, that the wood-cocks uiight carry over the plague in their feathers from Poland ; and as the paiiianient was not Citing, no cccftitutional means could be deviled by the L. L. and council to pievent thofe vagabond biids from fettling in Ireland. He alfo adminifters a fpecific to exlulirate the fpirits of all thofe who are apprehenfive of the con- tagion. " If (fays lie) there: be any, whofe minds " are difturbed by artfu! and defigning men, on the " fuppolcd approach of this dire complaint : If fuch " will call on me, any day between the hours of " twelve and two, at Mr. Browne's, jewier, in Sidfolk- " ftrect facing the P.ound Church, I doubt not but *< I fhali be able to calm his inquietude." Do£lor Rowley is an excellent natural philofopher, and very in:imate v/ilh Lord M a, F R. S. His Lordfliip has confulted hhn on an excellent fchenie to deftroy the Freiich and Spaniards, ftould they prcfuine to invade us. Lord M -a rationally fuppofes, thai f me fhip will arrive on our coail: with the plague on board. The Dr. by his lordfhip's direftioRS, is to extradl the contagious atmofphere, and load twenty or thirty air guns with it : a troop of light horfe may be armed with thefc philofbphi- cal fuzees ; the Doctor will command, gain the lueathet guage of the enemy, dlicharge the plague among tl.em, wheel to the right about, and gallop triumphantly to the Caftle, to give an account of his v'flory, and be appointed phyfician general for his fervices, in the "-oom of Doctor Barry. Lord M a I hear, is to accompany our great Machaon, on this expedition, The B A T C HELO R 191 expedition, an J to acl as aid-de camp., in order that he may be able to tranfmit an accurate and judicious account of the whole affaii- to his learned brethern of the Royal Society. This modern ^fculapius alfo cures the Gout to a miracle. About five years ago, when Lord Chat- ham was given over by the faculty, he wrote and publilhed a letter in the Public Ledger, and gave our Engiilh Demolthenes an excellent pre- fcription, which faved his life. Lord Chatham be- haved with his ufual ingratitude, and never reward- ed the Dodlor ; though the minilhy have never ceafed perfecuting him for thus prcferving the life of their bittereft enemy. I can mention another anecdote to the Dodor's ho- nour, which fliews his moderation and generous prin- ciples. — That great patriotic Earl, Lord Sh — b — ;ie, who lodged laft fummcr at Elack-mck,, prcfled the ingenious phyfician to return to England and aflill: him in v/riting Janius's ielters ; promifing to provide handfomely for him when Lord Chatham and he came into admiuittration. This tempting offer the Dc£lor inilanily rejettcd, ar he thought the prefent mode of poiiiical writing, too abufive for one of his liberal fentmienis: and befides, he lo'd his Loidfaip that he was determined to (by here till the pbgue had ceafed in all parts of the world ; and did not doubt but his prefence would be as beneficial to to this poor kingdom, as Jaron\ jlandlng hct^^een the dead and the Having., ivhich flopt the plague in the camp of the Ifraelites. With grateful hearts we fiiould commemorate the many favours we receive from England. — Our fine gentlemen 192 The BATCHELOR. gentlemen and ladies, would have nothing but pota- toe leaves to cover theirnakednefs, only for our ge- nerous brethren, w^ho furnifh us with cloth and filk. They export cow doftors for our cattle ; phyficians,. wife like Solomon and Rowley, for our bodies ; and bilhops and prietls to take care of our fouls ; whofe charity and benevolence is unqueftionable, for they are generally endowed with the moft extenfive fees and parifnes, though every body knows their apolio- lic labours are doubled by this hard treatment ; yet like go^d ChriiVians they patiently fubniit, well knowing that their majlers hingdom is not of this nxjoriJ- Formerly too we were blelT^d with Englifn ludges ; men of fuch amazing abilities, and great modefty, that their iiierii was never known in Eng- land that was left for our fuperior fagacity to find out : — But fince a refident Lord Lieutenant weakly imagined that he could choofe Iiilhmen fit to decide on the lives and properties of their countrymen, we are a ruined nation ! Our trade has failed, our banks and merchants (lop pay- ment ! The grafs grows in our deferted ftreets — The revenue is ruined, fince our arbitrary Viceroy dif- milTed that great financier Mr. P y, from his Maiefty's fervice. Our artillery rufts, and our ma- gazines are gone to decay, ^wct:. that mailer of pro- iedliles, Lord S n no longer points our artillery. In this " diftrefsful, diftracled ftate of affairs," (as my frifnd Doclor Lucas fays) if the publilcatlon of this precious fragment can alleviate the calamities of my country, and infi.ru £1 our ignorant Smiths, Qiiinns, Barrys, and fuch quacks, in the irrefragable principles of phyfic, I ftiall think myfelf happy. Extra.7 The BATCH ELOR. t93 Ex trail from DoAor Rowley's Ejfay on the Plague. " A ^^ ^ "°^' ^ fpeak from experience. A few Jl\. " years ago I attended feveral perfons who had the figns cFth's dreadful difeafe. It was part ' of a fhip's crew that had arrived from the Levant, ' and who had come on fhore all feeniingly in good » health. But when the men had opened tlieir box- * es and fliit'ted themfelves, they became all of a ' fudden ill ; which was a convincing proof that the ' infettion had been conveyed in their cloathes, ' Some had buboes, under their ai mpfts, and behind ' their ears only j others had the carbuncle of the ' livid circle, and fome were attended with both, and all recovered, The method 1 took to preferve myfelf, was to change my cloathes, and to fumi- gate them daily, walhing myfelf v. ith vinegar, in which v/ere infufed garlick, rue, betony, and ju- niper berries, ofv.'hich I took Inwardly, twice a day, nvo meat fpoonfuis, gargling my mouth with It, and fnu^-ing it up my noftiils. To this infufiorj I always added a little carnphire. Sometime after I tryed this moft dangerous experiment, I waflied myfe'f in the blood and faliva of a mad dog, without feeling the leait bad efteft from it, excent a little fpafm in the calf of my right leg, which in a few days I appeafed. The fuccels of thfs experiment I communicated to a noble Duke, whofe name will always be revered by the people of this kingdom, v/ho advlfed me to ky it befbre < the fecretaries of ftate, which I did, with an Inten- ♦ tion to go to Conilantinople, (under the proteCtl- * on and fanclion of government) to try the fucccfa « of the treatment there, and upon my return (if • fuccefsful) to apply for a reward to the Britilh K " par- ,t94 The BATCH ELOR. ** parliament. It was confidered as a noble, but ha- *' zardous undertaking, and I was advlfed to confuit " with an honourable gentleman who had refided at *' the Porte upwards of fifteen years as ambafludor *< from the court of Great-Britain ; who tr-jve me *' fuch an account of the nature and temper of the »' Turks, and the roguery of the Greek phyficians, *< as quite difcouraged me from putting my defign <« into execution. But, I beh'eve, there is no fci- *< cnce fo over run with fo many worrhlefs crea- <« tures, as that of phytic ; for there is fcarcely any <« large city, but there is a fet of people that would «' engrofs the whole circle of pra(!rtice to themfdves, " of whom it is haid to determine, whether they '" have a greater want of honelly or of underftand- *' ing. A fet of people, who ftudy the art of de- " ceiving, more than how to perfect a cure. A fet << of people, fo much the enemies of common fenfe, *' that to have but a moderate degree of learning, «* is with them a crime unpardonable, and who <' pofl'efs no one fingie talent in perft(S^ion. Upon *< the whole, there is not the leaft doubt but that •' this dread ul difeafe may be both prevented or «' cured, or otherwife rendered lefs fatal. God for- <« bid that it ihould ever happen in this kingdom : *' but if it Ihould, I lliall be both ready and willing «< to hazard my life for the welfare of the public. " Let me recommend it to every one to preferve a " chearful even temper, to banifli fear, and always *' to remember, that the morbid effeds of the mind, " are as bad as thofe of ihe body". JOPIN PROBY ROWLEY, M. D. Tl^is ludicrous ejfay tvas of public fcrrice, for the quack im~ meJiatelj quitcd the kin^dcKi, as he ivat treated ivith C3nti;:!pt 0rtd riaitukt c"&^« iy his Patients. NUM- th« B A T C H E L G R. 195 NUMBER XXXIV. Hie niger eji. Hoi. To Jeoftry Wagstaffe, r.fq. S I R, YESTERDAY my curiofity was gratified, by reading an Epigram additiTcd to C. j. F — iz ns*. I own I conceived the highefl dcteftation of" its author, by reading Sylla's fe'vere aiiimadveifions on it, in the Freeman. I now entirely agree with him, that the author (v/hoever he is) of" that"" fcan- *' dalous, infamous," falfe, and " inuiioral" epigram, deferves to be marked like Cain, as a vagabond, and a murderer of repui.ations. — He is certainly a friend to the Jefuiis, a dangerous enemy to the Protellant religion, a difafFcfted fubjefl, and a betrayer of his country. — The very firlt line cads an ungenerous Tefledion on all thofe who renounce the eirors of Popery. Is this inlblence to be borne, as long as • EPIGRAM on (he fecond converfion of Father J N F — >■ ys. F — tz — — ns the Fiyar, left Rome 'n the lurch. For want of I'lcfermcni, abjur'd his own church ; Arid nov; by the Caftle, he a^s the fame part, The lof; of a Mitie converted his heart : At tlie Four Courts apain old John we fl'.ali itc, la that place aloae, he's fure of kitfuc. PfOtcf-J 196 The B A T C H E L O R. Protedaatiliii u the eftabliflied religion ? — A fiiort commenr, will prove the author's pernicious and dangerous principles, beyond a pofllbiliiy of doubt. " F ns the Fryar, left Rome in the lurch, «' For want of preferment, ahjurd his own church." This is equally falfe and malicious : — Though he ftudied at Sr. Oiner's he never took the habit, and I am aiTured by his barber, that he has not the lead fign of liiC tonjure ; nor do I believe that he ever expeded, or folicited any ecclefiaftical preferment. On his return to his native country, he read his recantation from pure convidion, and merely for the good of his foul, not from an;, wordly motive, or to qualify himfclf for the bar. — The next two. lines are alfo pregnant with falfehood and malignity. *' And now hy the Caftle he a£ts the fame part, «' The lofs of a Mitre converted his heart." I fuppofe the author v/ou!J iiifinuate, that Mr. Y ' ns, who fupported adminiftraiion lalt fefli- ons, had changed fu'es, and turned patriot from pique and difappointment. But the very idea of his having done fo, becaufe he was refufed a mitre, is abfurd and ridiculous ; for even if he had aflualiy officiated as a fryar, that would not qualify him for a Proteftant bifiiopricic, without a fecond ordination in our church. {y\i}i. Lex Cnnanlra. page \\i.) Others pretend to fay, that he did not afk. a mitre for him- felf, but for his fon-in-law, Mr. Beresford : — even this is a poor apology for the Epigrammatift. — Still there is an evident folccifm in faying, that he lofi what he tiii\^xpopjJt:d. Bcfidcs, the alTertion is groundlefs and malignant; The B ATCHEL OR. 197 malignant ; Mr. F. never applied for a bidioprick either for hinifelf, or any of his family ; he aded on more difmierefted motives. I have heard him pronounce fome fine long orations, with great zeal and fervour, for, and againft Lord Townfhend's ad- minillraiion ; yet I am firmly perfuaded he was equal- ly fincere in both, and was always a<5tuated by the fame honeft principles. We cmne now to the lafl: two lines of this " in- famous poetical performance." " At the Four Courts again old John we fliati fee, '• In that place alone he's fure of his fee !" This Is an impudent lye — for it is well known that he never intends to enter the courts again in his goTJun. He acquired a handfome fortune, and has retired, to enjoy Qtium cum dignitate. He generouf- Ijr gave up his extenfive bufinefs to encourage fuch young lawyers as Scott, Yelverton, and Malone, who could not get a fingle client vv^hile he continued at the bar. The SatirilVs diabolical malice is too obvious in the fifth line : it is evidently a pointed fneer on Mr. F ns's Juppofed tergiverfation, and an ungenerous infult and tiiumph, <^n his not being rewaided by government according to his merits. Perhaps he aUb aims a furcaftic fttoke at the Iwwyers, by alluding to their cuftom of being feed before they read their brief;, and recommend-' in'3- the fame cullom to our poliiical orators : how- ever, I only offer this as a meie conjedture, I have juft been allured, that this fcnndalous epi- gram was delivered to thcCounfeHor in ihe Hou'e of K 5 Commons, ipS T]ie B A T C H R L O R. Commons, with his e.':cellency L. Townfliencl's. name on the back of the letter. Tli.it was adding, the blackell forgery, to the motl audacious impu- de:*.ce. This mode of conveyance was wickedly intended to furprize Mr. F— n.'s at fir ft fight ■> ns if fomc term.^ were offered from the Callle— But the manner in which he received ;/, will always do him honour; — his colour changed, his hands- trembled, and he had fcarce Itrength enough to break open the feal. ThJs coufufion, (notwithiland- ing every iii'beral and invidious conftrudion,) folely arofe from an honetl indignation againil a venal nii- niftry, who (as he then thought) had affronted him, by injurioudy fuppofing he could be tempted to fvverve from the true intereft of his country, by a bribe. His fubfequent behaviour proves the truth of this cbrsrva,tion : on finding only an epigram, he feemed agreeably difappointed, fixed on his fpe(Sta- c!es J read it over feveral times before he tl-iorough- ly underftood it » then put it in his pocket, and did not expatiate on the grievance of the nation that day. — —Now, sir, — and here s:r, I fhall con- clude, with a fincere wifli that a royal proclamation was iffued, offering a reward to difcover the author, or authors, that he, or they, may be brought to con- dign punifhment, and his Majefty's gracious pardon promifed to any of the accomplices who fliall turn Kings E'vidence. I am, fir, yours, Y MISO-EPIGRAMMATIST. March &th, 177a. N U M- The B A T C H E L O R. 199 N U IM B E R XXXV. Dss lihdli duplex ejl*. IMITATED. The Do£l:or's great at pen or pill, Can feel vour pulfe, or draw your will. To JEOFFRY WagSTAFFE, Efq. I CAN no longer bear to fee my friend Do5lor Lucas treated with fo much contempt and ridi- cule by a fet of miniflerial hirelings, whofe names, eonne^lions, and principles, the public fhall foon be acquainted with i that the enemies of our righis and liberties may be branded with infamy to future ages. The Do£lor's genius, morals, and learning, are evident to every unprejudiced perfon ; yet it fhal! be my bufinefs to elucidate fome pafiages of this great man's life, which have been envioufly clouded by the malevolence of his inveterate foes. — It has been faid that he once drew a lady's will, whea he attended her as a phyfician, and that fhe, out of edeem for his (kill and humanity, bequeathed him a conliderable legacy, in prejudice to her relati- ons. Now, fir, if Blackftone had been acquainted with this anecdote, he might eafily have adigned a Jpicinl reafon, why phyficians ihould apply thcm- felves to the ftudy of the law : here is a cai'e In point * Contrary to our original deCgn, we have been induced to in- Cwta fc.v papers on Dr. Luca-.'f political condaft aad chai'ai^er. K 4 to ^oo The B A T C n E L O R. to evince £citd xQ^^on, why *' lhe\- in particular fhould apply themfehes to the " ftudy of the law, unlefs in common with other *' gentlemen, and to complete the charafter of a ge- *' neral and extenfive knowledge ; a charadter *' which their profefTion, above others, has remark- ♦' ablv deferved. They will give me leave however '* to fuegeft, and that not ludicrcufly, that it might " frequently be of ufe to families on fudden emer- ** gencies, if \ht phyfcin ivere acquainted ivith the ♦* doclrine of lajl luills and teflaments, at leaft fo •• far as relates to the formal parts of their exe- *' Ciuion." It is the true charsfleriftic of genius to a£t by in- tuition, and to pra(^tife peculiar arts before their vfe is formal y proved, and recommended by the labours of ordinary capacities. Thus Homer wrote the Iliad, before Aiiftotle pnblilhed his Poetics; and thus Dodtor Lucas drew up Mrs. Brown's lad will and teftament, before Blackftoiie publifhed his Commentaries. This fhews our patriot's fi-.periority in a true light, and fhould reccmmend him to all families for I never heard that cUher Sir.uh, Quin, or Barry, pretended to pradife law awd phyfic for the good The B A T C H E L O R. 2oi good of their patients. For my part, I think the preference is ftill due to a phyfician who can a(5t occafjonally as a lawyer. On the fame principle I employ a barber who underftands fomewhat of furgery ; thefe iiberal arts are miuually conne<5led with each o*^her, like Warburton's Alliance between Church and State. I could give other fpecimens of the Doflor's knowledge of law; for it is well 'known when Alderman King, unjuftly filed a bill againft him, to recover a pretended debt for drugs, that the Do£lor in his anfwer (written by himfelf) fpecifies feveral articles he had received from the Aldeiman, and moft ingenioufly and appofitely introduces Shake- fpeare's celebrated defcription of a poor apothecary's eart. A dunce may become eminent in this way, as a bungling mechanic often turns out a mull inge- nious pick-pocket Let U3 noWifirjexamiiTe thofe alTertions, which are obtruded on the public as fads, under the lanftion of your refpedable name. — Every man of fenle, every impartial man, is convinced, that the meafures pur- fued during Lord Townflie.nd'o adminiftration, were formed on a mod liberal plan, and ju.dicioufly calcu- lated to promote the real intereft of this kingdom. His Excellency has enemies — but who are they } — many of our former Chief Governors, v.'ho confider his difinterefted conduQ as a refledion on them- felv.es.— Many of our late g^enerals on the ftaif, who are The BAT CHE LOR. 207 are mortified, by feeing soldiers fubftituted I'a their room. — Many of thofe Englifh patriots, who would faciifice the ftaple manufacture of this king- dom, to encourage Scotch linen, or Mant:hefter checks. Is it extraordirvary, then, that nn Iri/h Houfe of Commons rtiould compliment his ExcelleBcy in the ufual manner? But the proteft — and proroga- tion, are not to be afcribed to him, but to an arifto- Cratic fadtion who rendered that meafure indefpen- iible, even in the opinion of the patriotic Lord Cambden. — The vates of the Houfe, are fadts re- corded on their journals J — it is beneath the dignity of the Commons to allign a reafon for their proceed- ings : furely it is impolitic to do fo, when ft renders their right of rejeding queilionable, which other- wife could not be contelled. « The diftrafted ftate of the kmgdom," %s thfs candid writer, " is hardly to be defcribed ; fince " the prorogation of parliament, when the Money- «< Bills only were paffed, on the 27th of December,. " 1769, trade, manufaflures, and public credit de- ** cayed, and at length expired." I nmft candidly acknowledge, that I do not underftand what is meant by the '< diftrafted ftate of the kingdom." The firft tumultuous rifings of the O.ik and White Boys, in the year 1760- weie afcribed, with fome degree of truth, to the opprefllon of their patriotic landlords. Whenever the name of the prefent Chief Governor has been mentioned by thefe wret- ches, it was to estoll his lenity, not to complain of his rigour. The Defter would never affume the ftale, naufe- Gus cant of the Freeman, by afcribing every national calamity to the prorogation. The American aflbci- ations. 2o8 I'he BATCH ELOR. ations, which injured our linen manufafture— Our large importation of corn, which has drained us of our circulating fpccie — The increafed number of our abfentees — The idlenefs, and illegal combinati- ons of our tradefmen The extravagance, and frauds of many, who call theinfelves merchants. — Thefe are the true caufes of the late decay of trade and credit. The falfity and abfurdity of the whole paragraph, is a demonftration that Do£lor Lucas never v.'rote it. His deep and accurate knowledge in the trade, reve- nue, and ma nu failures of this country, has rendered bim as famous for political calculations, as Sir Willi- am Petty, or D'Avenaiu : I refer any ytf/z/r/?/ read- er to the Doctor's work^ pajp.m : even the phrafeo- logy, may convine every perfon of tafte, that the whole letter is a grofs impofitioii on the public. To fay that manufadlures decayed, and at length expir- ed, is in the ft) le of Doctor Rowley, or Dodor Solomon, but who can fu.pe£t Doclor Lucas for fuch a folecifm ?' " Our fcrects are fwarming with manufaflurers, *' reduced to iulenefs and beggary. Thefe have ♦• fomelinies crowded to beg about the Caflle ; but " infteaJ of relief, were rcpuKed by military force. '^ That many of our manufaftuiers are reduced to beg- gary, by their I'.^lencfs and ui unkennels, is a fadt. The Dw^t.-jr has often hanaagued the icveral corpo- rations, and given th;m excellent advice on this fub- jeTr, v^ their refpeclive halls. ^ — "At has adjured the Taylors, Bricklayers, and Smihs, in the mofl- pathe- tic manne:, to mind their bi finefs, and give up the pernicious cuftoni of fpendiig their lime in drinking whifkey, and talking politicks : but his labor has beea The B A T C H E L O R. 209 been in 'vane, and he laments moft bitterly, that the weavers alone have profited by his fage councils. He knows very well, that the manufafturers never crowded about the Caftle to beg, and were never repulled by military force. When the Marquifs of Kil- dare prefented an important anonymous paper in their name, (which added great weight and etScacy to the city addrefs) their behaviour was dutiful and fuhmilfive. The Doflor often talks wMth plea- fure of the extraordinary number of the niititary who were that day aflembled by the Lord Mayor, to be witnefTes of the fober and refpedtful demeanour of the agg-egate body. The account of the riot at the Parliament Houfe, is told with an equal degree of candour and ve- racity. Doctor Lucas heard both the Lord Mayor and Sheriffs declare, that they were repeatedly afked by his Excellency, " Whether the riot could not be fup- " prefTed, and the police of the city maintained, by •• a due exertion of the civil power.'"' On their anfwering in the negative, he gave orders to the commander in chief, to furnifh thofe magiftrates with any number of troops they might think ne- ceflary. The Doftor would never have omitted this very material circumftance, fo much to his Excellency's honour. " You are told," fays the letter-writer, " that ^ the Lord Chancellor applied to the Lord Lieute- ♦' nant for military aid upon occafion of this riot. *' Be afTured this report was falfe ; that great and " good man was indeed requefted to do fo, by cer- <« tain court lords, but their application was reje(5te'ifdom drop their vain dlfguife ; The frailty then of every heart is try'd, No more pufF'd up with philofophic pride : Virtue and faith alone can boaft a power, To chear the languor of that difmal hour ; ' Thro' the dark gloom, they dart a cheating lav. And ope a profpeft of celeftlal day, Aided by them in peace flie yields her breath. And unapallVl now meets the frown of death. . In that deep figh, for ever — ever ends, The fweet companion and the beft of friends. Alas ! what words or numbers can I find. To paint the anguifli of a hufband's mind j What 214 The B ATCHELOR. What lenient balm to eafe his pain employ, When fad reflection biiters every joy ! Ev'n when ihofe Infants meet his fond embrace, He fees their mother, in each fniiling face ; And mufic's chamis no fweet obh'vion brings, He fees his Charlotte touch the trembling ihings, Whofe foothing notes could all his cares remove, And make him blell with harmony and love. Y To the Memory of Lady Townshend ; By Lord Clare. WITH dov/ncaft look and pitying eye, Unarmed, the king of terrors llood j He laid his fting and terrors by, Averfe to ftrike the fair and good. When thus an angel urg'd the blow- No more thy lifted hand fufpend. To confcious guilt a dreaded foe, To Innocence a welcome friend. Bright hbfts of cherubs round her Hand j To her and me confelled alone ; Each waving his celeilial hand. And pointing to the eternal throne. The angel fpoke — No hulband dear. Nor children lov'd, a mournful train, Could from her eye altra£l one tear. Nor bend one thought to earth again. The foul impatient of delay. No more could mortal fetters bind ; But fprlnging to the realms of d'S.y, Leaves every human care behiad. Yet The B A T CHELOR. 21. Yet fhall an infant Daughter's claim, Demand from heaven thy guardian care ; Protect that lovefy he!p!efs frame, And guard that breaft you formed fo fair. A parent's lofs, unknown, unwept, Heedlefs, the fatal hour flie pafs'd ; Or, only thought, her mother flept j Nor knew how long that fleep mull: laft. When time, the unfolding mind difplays, May fhe by thy example led, Fly from that motley giddy maze. Which youth and guilt or folly tread ! Thefe never knew the guiding hand. Which leads to virtue's arduous way; Mothers now join the vagrant band, And teach their children how to dray, Her's, fhall the pious taflc engage, Such once was thine, with lenient aid, A father's forrows to afluage His love with equal love repaid. So Ihall fhe read v/ith ardent eye. This lelFon thy lail moments give. They, who like thee would fearlefs die, Spotlefs like thee, muil learn to live. N U M- 2i6 The B A T C H E L O R. NUMBER XXXVIII. Continuo audita vocos, vogitus i^ ingens Infantum, ViRG. To the B A T C H E L O R. Mr. Wagstaffe, THIS Is to let you know, that I am a woman, that keeps the big houfe in College-Green, for rearing and dry-nurfing ill-thriven, ricketty chil- elren, that is fent to me by their parents or friends. Upon my confcience now it would move the heart of a Turk, to fee how my poor head is moidered ■with the noife and racket they make. But to be fure now, it's comikal enough to think v.-hat ftrange thing's will fometimes come into children's heads, for would you believe it they have got a play among'em, that they call the hunting the geefe in the goofe pye. Now the way they play it is this. They put the biggeft chiW in the houfe in ray big flraw chair in the middle of the room ; they call him the gander, and they all ftrive to cackle about him like geefe. The voung chaps that can't fpeak p'ain, and only fdy yes or w, they caWgoJlings. Now the noif/efl child in my whole houfe, at this play, is little Phlogy. If any of his playfellows vexes him, and does'nt let him have his own way, he whines, and whimpers, and fqualls as if he was kilt. The B ATCHELOR. 217 kilt. To be fure the creter's a great objed with the rickets, aud I'm afraid he'l never come to good ; and tor all that the brat's always a climbing, and gets many a tall by it, that makes him cry as if his little heart wou'd break. Well to be fure there's another boy that's as comikal as he, that's Tacky Blubber. I belive all the world would never get him to learn his horn book, and yet becaufe he's a likely child and come of good people, they nioft commonly make him the gander, and put him in the middle. I'm afraid my poor chair won't laft long among'em for Jack does not know how to fit quiet in it, and when any of the boys wants to puU him out of it, he tears out a handful of the ftraw and offers it to them, by way of giving them a fhare. He has another trick to coax the little gentry, ^He will take cdkes and gingerbread out of his poc%t, and promife them a bite, and juft as they have it at their mouth, he fnatches it back and eats it hiinfelf^ for Jacky's a great glutton. It wou'd take up all day to tell you of all the little rogueifh tricks thefe children play in the game of the goofe-pye. But there's one more I can't help telling you of, and that's one of them that's the cittejl child among'm, at building card-houfes. They once turned him out of the play, becaufe he wanted to make them believe that they was built fo llrong, that a putF of wind woud'nt blow'em down. But now he's as great as ever with'em, for he's very diverting, by making the piQure cards all march like foldiers. But, dear Mr. WagftafF, I'm not come to my bu- finefs yet. The hardeft ta(k of all on me is this, to get thefe unlucky children ever to go to reft. Jacky L to 2i8 The BAT C H E L O R. to be fure is the ringleader, but Phlogy makes more noife than any of 'em. T made thiii fong for him, and the little creter is fo happy with it, that I can't get him to go fleep without finging it to him. Now what I want is tor you to put it in your paper, as it may be of ufe for other nurfes that is plagued with crofs fickly children. Being all at prefent from, Sir, your honour's humble fervant, MARY the NURSE. A NEW SONG on Dodor Lucas. Air, Hey ! my Kitten, a Kitten, &c. WHAT did my Phlogy, my Phlogy, And what did my Phlogy wanty j Tell why did It whimper and fret, Or what made it fcold and canty .'' Did my pet want a militia. And did it want it my deary .'' Kifs its own mammy, my honey , And you (hall get one next yeary. Diddiily, Diddidy, Diddidy, &c. If it will (land all aloncy. Honey (hall have its wifliing : Come walk by the (lools my cherub. And you fliall get a comuiillion. Get ye gone, foldiery, foldiery, Does their bloody coats fright ye ? Begone naughty fellows, I (ay. Or I'll call Pompey to bite ye. Diddidy, &c. And The B ATC HELOR. 219 And does it Aide down on the banifters, Does it Aide down my deary ? Ah, Phlogy you muftn't be clar.bing, V/ithout your mammy is neary. Here go to the toy-{hop,ye huffey, And buy a cock-horle for a poney ; Come leave off your crying my (picey, My precious (hall ride all aloney. Dlddidy, .SiC. My child knows nothing of Blakeney, Nor what is become of his money : Fie, tatling VVagftaff", I wonder, You iTudy to vex my honey. Yes, yes, if my babe does not cry, He Ihall have fugar and jelly ; And mammy will buy a fine book, And learn her own pet to spelly, DiitJidy, S:C. For jewel a coral I'll buy, Befides its little Doll Doi'sey ; And wonderful horns as e'er. Were in the Parliament hou fey. A paw paw aldermen, aldermen, Did it mifs fippend my deary ? Get it fome puppy, fome pappy. My own little Phlogy to cheary. DUMdy, &'C> And O ! my Phlogy, my Phlogy, And O ! my gay little Phlogy ; Blefs lis fine limbs a/id odd eye,. Was there e'^r (0 conxing a ro"L!ev ? L I Get 220 The B A T C H E L O R. Get ye g my pet fy, proroguey ? DidJidjy &C O ! my cheruh, my cherub. And O ! my cherub and lifey ; Leave off your fqualiing my jewel, And you fhall have a witey. You fliall have viper in broth, Ej;g3 and falop and clary j Then liufho by-baby, bv-baby. Lie clofe to your own dear JVIary. Diddidy, &C. NUMBER XXXIX. An Epistle to R— B—RT J— PK— N, Efq. J— PH — N, had I your wit and fportive vein, To gild my lays, and dignity my drain ; Porih'd and keen my eaiy verle might fhine. And plealing ridicule fhoulJ grace each line. My trembling mufe, a faint rclemblance draws. But drives to fing, and pants for your applaufe. What lluff from Baraiaria late was feen. Which fiH'o lethargic citizens with fpleen ; Who o'er their cups with rapture often fwore, The author v/rote as Lucas wrote before .' Shall fuch abufe, like wit and fatire hurt, Whofe higheft vaunt's to daub and fmear with dirt. Then may goofe dung for 'vl'vid lightning pafs, As we all luiow— ;V burns and withers grafs. Swiftf The BATCHELOR. 221 Sivift, with fuch ftrength his Tory papers writ. That even Whigs admir'd his manly wll ; For if in authors, lenfe with fancv join. To throw a luftre o'er each fterling line, Fleas'd we applaud, tho' different be our plan, And praife the writer, when we blame the man : But loath the fool, who (landers vile can raife'. And a bad heart, with a weak head dilplays. Thet rumpet thus, will make th£ courfer bound, And joy delighted at the martial found j But fee h'm droop, and rtare with wild amaze, Start at an' afs, and tremble when he brays. Let blund'rin^ Lucas Itill harangue the mob. Declaim with rage, and always cry a foB T See the (launch vet'ran gaz'd at by the croud, For being fliamelefs, petulant, and loud j Whom mobs have rais'd, and rear'd to fcandaL's throne. For (hewing parts congenial to their own j. Zealous and prone his betters to abufe, And rage, fedition, in each bread: infufe, To court each worthlefs tribe with fawning arts, A-nd fwell the pride and venom of their hearts : So have I feen a fportive boy, with (kill. At frog's poUeriors ply a (lender quill, l.oathfome at firft, flill more deform'd it grows. Each livid fpoc expanded as he blows. Contempt and fcorn, fuch zealots beft reftraiu; Exile and pillories will make them vain. See taylors, coblers, (hoeboys, all confpire, To helch his piail'e, and l\upidly adnure, L 3 The 222 The BATCHELQR. The orator, who tells his patriot cares, To keep iherii fafe from Aldermen and Mny^rs ; Reduce the troops, to conflant riot bret). And plant a brwue militia in their (lead : Then by analogy he fhews ihjir ufe, *' Since for tiie goflings fights each valiant " goofe ; ** A fpruce militia fure would lofe their lives ♦' To fave their chlldKn or their dearer or freedom, liberty, and rights he talks, Afid in iliiT, heavy declaniarion italks : The factious tribune, what he has affords Ideas none, he only gingles words. To ideois, thus, the ufe of gold appears Solely to chink, and pleafe their fenfelefs ears : S >norous nothings in a ponipous ftrain, Sei^e ev'y ear, and madilcn ev'.ry bfain: His bomball eloquence, the audience fuits, For noife and no.ifenfe govern mobs and hr"tesy When fenie or mufic wou'd difguft their taftes j —This proves the fympathy 'tween them and bcaf^s : With well chofe orat'ry fo Litcas bawls, And finds his friends obedient to his cails : A Burke on fuch, would only wafte his time, And fpeak in vain, altho' he (^oVt—fuhlime. So Darby* fv.-ains can lead the UlVning hogs, To the hoaife no'es each briftly niontler jogs ; A bottle rumbled in a bowl with (kill, The/rf« born (wine will follow where ibey will: * It is a cuflom in Derbyjhire to call the fwine toge- ther, by rumbliog a bottle in a bov. 1. Tho' The B A T C H E L O R. 223 Tho' Hayes might long a Hatidd"?, drains apply Unheard, unheeded, by the groveling ftye. Next in the fenate hear old Lucas babble, And talk as it he ftill addrels'd the rabble ; Loquacious, bold, he fcarcely feels a /'//, And- only fiuarts by Hutchifan^ keen wit ; Dirtinft and clear, whofe periods roll along Vv ith fancy bright, in reafon ever ftrong : Contempt and laughter, fenfe can ne'er refliore ; For Lucas pours out nonfenfe as before. A cabin cur thus kicks, and ladies feels, That fnaps and barks at ev'ry horfe's heels ;, His nature fuch, the punifliment's in vain. For the next travelPr finds — he'll bail again. By his [age care has Grub Street Journal rofe. His ftyie and manner ev'ry writer ihews ; Such are the men who grumble from the prefs,. VFho talk of wrongs, and bellow for redrefs : With fcandals mean, a foldicr's name purfue. And blame the 'w/'u/?, but for the faults of few. Lately, indeed, you priz'd each valiant band. When Gallia' z pow'r 'fpread terror o'er your land ; Humbled by fear, a red coat then could charm, By danger taught, you blefb'd a foldier's arm. Which Britain's, glory fpread o'er ev'ry coall, And gave her empire — more than Roine could- boaft. A {landing army, now is all the cry, And ev'ry blockhead frights — he knows not- why ; A turkey cock thus fhakes his brainlefs head. And jabbers loud at any rag that's red. L A Let 224 'I'he B A T C II E L O R. Let J — PH — N fpeak, in truths Iiilloric read> (His pen alone the callous boobies dread) And paint the foldiers virtue, in that hour When freedom gafp'd beneath a tyrant's pow'r : "James ftrove to bend an anny to his will, But found that Britijh troops — were Britonj Who lov'd their country, priz'd her glorious laus. And fcornM to combat in a tyrant's caufe : Their joyous * fhouts lliuck timid yc/ww with awe, His army g.ive us Freedom and Najj'uu. Exulting now. we tune the grateful lay, For rights rettor'd beneath a foldier's fway. Gur king a viceroy' chofe, w^ell known to fame, (Even Ir.di 'K wilds have heaid a Tuvunjhend'i n.uritf) Propi'.ious here to rule this favour'd ifle, Bid faction ceafe, and make Hihernud fmile : bo Roman confuls from their country far Shone bright in arms, and fpread dcftruftlve war ; Qy conqnefl crown'd, they bid barfh difcord ceafe, And blefs'd the Forum with the arts of peace ; Enacted lav/s thai grievances redreft. And liv'd, like Townshend, in each grateful breall. Y ♦ On the acquittal of the biftiops, VERSES The BAT CHE L OR. 225 VERSES Jefi^ned as an Inscription for Dodor L U C A S 's Statue. Petra Immobilior. SEE Lucas he-^e in marble (lands, A patriot firm and true ! fn aflion giaceful fpreads his hands, Expoled to public view. We'll have a god, Fanatics fald, To fight in our behalf: —So Van Nn/i Lucas' ftatue made, As Aaron made a calf. Wagstaffe, lay down your critic rod> Adore like us, and wonder, And don't, il/ce M'ofes, break our god. In pieces fmall, afunder. Around this ftatue, mobs fliall roar,. And loud their Lucas hail, He like a p?per kite fliall foar, With ragweed at its tail. "W N u m Ci6 The B A T C H E L O R. NUMBER XL. B R O G H I L L Answ er S I N D E R C O M B E. YOUR letter gave me fome fatisfadion — not that I admit the authenticity of your fa£ls, or admire the foice of your arguments, not that I think the public will be better enabled to judge of the meafures of government, by the communication of your fentiments, or that the Lord Lieutenant will be reformed by the fevericy of your animavlveriions : — but as a well-wlfher to the perfon and adminiftralion of his excellency, I am pleafed to find that a writer of no defpicahle talents, is obliged to refort for the materials of in- ventive, to the ftale relufe of news- paper anec- dotes, and the exploded calumnies of vulgar de- traction. You have colIe(5ted the remnaDts of both, v/ith a malicious induftry, and tricked them cut in jiU the tinfil of antithefis, and the fecond-hand frippery of imitated periods. You have kept a reverend eye upon that great Homer of defamati- on, Junius, and like your mafter have created a nionfter of your own imagination, in order to fliew liow jngenioufly you can rail .it it. There The BATCH-EL OR. 227 There is fomething very Inconfiftent in the advice with which you begin your lelier, that Lord Tov/nfhend fhould think it luorth his tvhile (your own elegant expreflion) to deliver down unimpaired to pofterity, a name dillinguifhed by the virtue of his anceftors, when at the fame time, you dO' every thing to prevent the benefit of your own admonition, at once throwing dirt upon his repu- tation, and warning him to take care it may not bs' fullied. A writer, whofe principal aim, like yours, is tO' rail, muft trace up every political event to a cor- rupted fource. Accordingly in rejeding fome pre- tended caufes of L — d T d's appointment, your very candour is no lefs malicious, than your fagacity, in fixing upon that which appears to you: to be the true one. The interell of families is ge- nerally the fame, and a great llation, obtained by- the juft reputation of brothers, is feldom held upon ignominious conditions, or ufed for unworthy- purpofes. Full of the beft intentions towards the country he was to govern; he opened his firil feffion with^ the promife of a law to fecure the independance of judges, and v/hy that promife was not fulfilled in- its utmoft extent, muft be afked, not on this fide of the water, but perhaps of a quondam minilter, whofe jefuitical politics, feldom had any higher view, than to fecure his own department froiu en- croachments, by impeding ihe bufincfs and dlmi- nilhing the credit of every other. — The public,, however, have litilc to legret, as no ii conveniencies- have been known to refuli horn this difappointment; and: 228 The B A T C H E L O R. and the attainment of ten fuch laws, to fecure what was never iiivaded, could not be conlideied as equivalent to that which was never expetled, though fo often demanded, the limitation of par- liaments. It is difficult to determine, upon what authority you fo confidently aflerc, that his E y never intended, that is, never wifhed to give either. Is it the fiirewdnefs of your own conjedure ? Or has it been fuggefted to you by that gentleman of popu- lar tnanners, \a hoiu you reprefent fo honourably contending againft government, in its own armour, and vviih its own weapons, at the head of his re- venue legion of colledors, furveyors, waiters, fearchers, packets and gaugers I He indeed miglit have told you, that as to himfelf, he never wilhed fuccefs to the limitation bill, notwithftanding his pretended zeal for it ; that he had found more than one Chief Governor, on whofe fympithy he could repofe the infincerity of his bofom, and know- ing little more than the (lation of Lord Townfliend, concluded that would operate as it had done belbre, for the gratification of his private views, which were generally inconfillent with his public declara- tions. Were thefe authorities however more pow- erful, the ftubborn fadt would not bend before them. We have the law, and the people have paid the honell tribute of their gratitude to him, who dilliained an under-hand ftipulaiion to cbftru£t it, whofe name will appear with unrivalled luflre in the records of parliament, and whole memory will be revered while there is any fenfe of indepen- dance, or any abhorrence of opprefTion, in the yeo- manry of Ireland. You next tell us, that the fuc- cefs of ihe augm,;ntation was the piincipal object of The B A T C H E L O R. 229 of the adfliiniftratlon, and yoii impute the milcarri*- age to hi3 uant of management, though you enu- merate a catalogue of difficulties, which made fuccefs ahuoft impolllble. Thus hurried along by a rage to criminate, you either confound the charge with the juftincation, or, (which is more likely) you fuppofe the incautious reader may do it for you. • Some circamflances unfavourable to the merfure he could not forelee, and others from a regard to his own dignity, he could not wifh to prevent. Of the firft fort were, the clofing the committee of fupply, (which could not be kept open 'till the enabling a£t, previoufly neceffary for the augmen- tation of the forces was paffed by the legiflature of Eng'and) and the clamours raifed againft the army, there, and in America, for interpofiiig at the defire of the magiftracy in both countries, to fupprefs- riots, and reilore order, for which no civil autho- rity was found fufficient. Of the fecond, was the claufe of diffb'iution in the limitation bill, agreea- ble to the true fpirit of the law, as fuch the objett of the people's wifh, and therefore entitled to the recommendation of government. — But the great difficulty, and the great offence of all remains to be accounted for, the alienation of parties from go- vernment. The public have long knov/n this was the real caufe of oppofition, but tii! you appeared, no one was found hardy enough to impute it as the crime of adminiftr?tion. To lee the bulinefs of the nation conducted without the venal concur- rence of a rapacious confedeiacy, had long been the wifh and the defpair of the people. Thofe who reverenced the dignity of the crown, were ferry to fee it degraded by the fupinengfs or timi- dity 230 The B A T C H F L O R. dity of its reprefeniatives. Too inany adminiftra- tions had been diftinguifhec! bv events of no greater importance than new acceilions of influence to connt-xions aleady over giovi-n, and the ftameful barter of the fnvours of government, to focure the repofe, or ro gratify the avarice of the governor. No wonder chcn, when a new fpirit of activity and difintereftednefs appeared at the caftle, that nev/ maxims fhould be adopted, and new pretences held out by the di'' ppoinied brokers in parliamen- tary traffick — without changing their principles, thrv 'uddeniy changed their conduct, and united all their ftrength to harrafs him whom they could neither feduce nor intimidate. The well difciplined cohorts of L — n — r and S — h — n, fell into the ranks at the firll; tao of the drum ; and the motley bands of P y were cajoled and menaced into obedi- ence. A body of independent irregulars joined the ftandard, not the caufe of oppnfidon, and after difputing every inch of the ground, victory was de- cided in their favour by an inconfiderable fuperiori- ty It required no fmall dcg.ee of fpirit to look thi- formidable alliance in the face, and nothing but the greateft circumfpeftion could have prevent^- ed its beiiig ftronger. So far your capital objeftion to him as a ftatfe- man, is without foundation ; yet admitting, as I do, that the fuccefs of the augmentation was his prin- cipal objeft, I fhould be at a lofs how to defend his fufRciency, had he again been bafHed, but to the confufion of your own argument, you are obliged to acknowledge, that in this meafure he has fuc- ceeded ; and let the voice of truth tell you how ; — with fuch peculiar felicity, as to give at once new vigour to the crown, and new fecurity to the people ; The B A T C H E L O R. 231 people ; to unite ta its fiapport the real patriot by his principle, and the falfe one by his pretence, to leave even jealoufy without a fear, and ingenuity without one colourable objeift-ion. But it leems you are as much otFended with the new modification of the mealure, and the terms upon which it was obtained in the fecond felfion, as at its not bein? obtained at all in the former. You are hurt to fee majefty defcending from the throne, and capitu- lating with the people. I have never underflood that an amicable agreement between the king and the fubje£t, for the mutual benefit of both, hai been ever confideied as a degradation of royalty. — The crown has often made exchanges of a fimilar na- ture, furrendering prerogative for revenue; and feme of the greateft improvements of the conftitu- tion have avifen from fuch a conm>erce. Had his majefty, or his reprefentative, meanly ftipulated with indi'viduals for the fupport of his meafures, and, according to wha-t feems to be the great my(l:e- ry of your politicks, promifed or bribed them inta compliance, the king might then indeed be laid to have defcended from his thvone and to have profti- ttited the royal dignity. — Your profecution againfl: him as a ftatfeman being cloied, you proceed to arraign him as a fenator and a foldier. An imj. ar- tial account of his condu6t in both the(e relations, would be his betl panegyiick and your fulleft re- futation. His ample fortune a.^.d iplendid expec- tations, his voluntarv engagement in an unlucniiive and perilous p.ofeffion ; the fp'rit with which he relinquifhed, and v/iih which he refunied it,- the teftimony of the generals he lerved under, and of the armies he ci mmanded, have all contributed to fet a ftal upon hio character, and are fuch memori- als 132 The B A T C H E L O R. als to his honour, as the moft ingenious malice will never be able to efface. You are grofsly ignorant of, or you grofsly mifre- prefcnt the motives ot his parliamentary conduft. He patronized the militia bill, and the Duke of Gumbt'rland was no friend to it. This was the caufe of their milunderftanding. He preferred the duty he owed his c(Mintry to every other confide- ration, and difcharged it faithfully, though the tem- porary difappo.ntment of his military ambition, and the frov/ns of a prince, were to be the forfeit. When that prince, difcountenanced a meafure fo' congenial to the Englifh conftitution, he oppofed Mr. T— 111— d, not Mr. T— Ih— d him.— As to the reft, I will not difturb the little triumph of your fancy, but rather thank you for that play of words, which having led you from things to found, has- fpared me the trouble of an anfwer to an accufati- on too frivolous to deferve one. There remain but two Particulars more to be noticed, and then I fiiall follow you to a conclufion. L — d T d's corre£lion of Col. L — tt — 1 by a political bravo, is no lefs falfe than his launcing' the thunder of a reverfionary challenge at Dr. L s. The mentioning Col I. — tt — Ps name In the H. of Commons, was merely accidental, and from the circumftances of the time and the occafi- onj could not poffibly have happened from fug- geftion or preconcert. It is in vain to refer you to all the members of the houfe who weie prefent, for you knew the falfehood before you publi/hed it. As to the venerable infirm member, his own petu- lance drew upon him a reprimand which his vanity chofe The B A T C H E L O R. 23.3 cliofe to interpret into a challenge, yet L — d T d's words bore no fuch meaning, nor were lb underftood by any perfon prefent. At your conclufion you labour haid in the af- fefted ftrains of ungenuine pathetic, to give a mournful defcription of deceafed merit at the ex- pence of the living, and your impotence feems to encreafe in proportion to your efforts : dijeafe and (leathy triumphs and lamentations, funeral obfe- quies, a venerable matron, fiends and heroes, Greeks and Romans, graves and monuments, are all grouped in the gloomy pidure. While the yet undecided fate of Canada and of a Blitifh army were depending, the general who fucceeded to the command had no leifure to cull fuch flowers of rhetorick to deck the grave of the departed conqueror : but being himfelf a foldi- er, he paid a more judicious tribute to the merit of his colleague, by publickly teflifying that his intrepidity and fkilful operations had enfured the vidtory. I mud fpend a few words more to deteft another calumny, which has baflifully retired from your text into an humble note, where you accufe him of ufurping General Monckton's province, and igno- Jantly or arrogantly figning the capitulation. After the death of General Wolfe, General Monckton was carried on board a fhip in the river wounded, as it was thought mortally ; and the command devolving up n Lord Townfhend, it was his duty and his province to fign the capitulation. Having 234 The B A T C H E L O R. Having now done with your letter, allow me to fay a word or two to your perf -n, and to guefs at your charader by the marks of it in your com- pofition. You are not the friend of the conmiunity in general, for you wifli to fee all power engroifed by a few individuals : you are not the friend ot Irifh liberty, or of Engllfh government, for when you wifh the tone of prerogative may never be relaxed, you wifh it at the hazard of the peoples affedlions and at the expence of the conftitution of Ireland having told you what you are not, let me now tell you what you are. You are the friend of fuccefsful corruption, and an enemy to Lord Townfliend, becaufe he does not pradife the art of corrupting. You are the admirer and humble imitator of Junius, and the fellow labourer in the great harveft of fedition The fignature you have chofen is perhaps expreiTive of your difpofiti- on, lake care that it may not be an omen of your cataftrophe ; fince you would leave behind you, a reputation at bed but infamoufly ambiguous ; — to be refolved by your friends into an affairm, and by your enemies into a fuicide. March ^A, \'jjo. B R O G H I L L. Z NUM- The B A T C H E L O R. 235 NUMBER XLI. Fane Ligur, fruftraque animis elate fuperbis N.equkquam patrias tentajii lubricus artes. ViRG. To J. P Y, Efq. SIR, N addrefling myfelf to you, I fliall neither ufe fatire not invedlive : fuch weapons are unnecef- fary ; a candid and true ftate of knoiun fads will bell difplay the meannefs and duplicity of your pub- lic conduiS, which has been fo abfurd, that the In- venomed pen of a Junius, could neither exagge- rate or mifreprefent it. I am well aflured that your noble kinfman, whom you and your agents fo loudly accufe, and aflidu- Oufly revile, has long difapproved of your conduft 5 that he forefaw the inevitable confequence of your miferable, fluduating, inconfiftent politics; — that he warned you, like a friend, in the mod explicit and candid terms. — A warning you have received from many of thofey who had long borne you up triumphantly, notwithftanding your innate pro- penfity to fink. At length, after a fucceffion of capital blunders, equally the efFe£l of your own weaknefs and indecifion, and the impetuous dida- torial temper of that unnatural and fatal alliance, by which you were bullied into implicit obedience, you at laft brought yourfelf and family into a ftate of fubordluacion and infignificance. It then became that 236 The BATCHELOR. that much niifreprefenred nobleman, with many others, to refledl ferioufly on the ftate of pubhc affairs, and on the duties they owed their country. Though you have often played them off againft foriiier Lhief Governors, merely to enhance your own con!eqiK'nce, and aggrandize your family, yet they could not but fee the great difference, between a ferious rupture with Great Britain, on a moll: de- Kcate interelling point, and a contention for Mr. P y's fuperiority over any Chief Governor his Majeily might chufe to appoint. Your fliallow inteUedts never fathomed the depth of your new counfellois. You could not expert that men, who, though ftrongly attached to you, had ftiil preferved too much fpirit to be lanked among your hacks, would ever fubiiiit to a6l as lul> {ervient tools to the wild ambition of your new al- lies ; efpecially when they obferved your abject hu^ miliation to a party, which had ever oppofed you and your family. Let me afk you, fir, how often have ycu brought in many of your mod approved and refpedtable friends to oppofe, and afterwards Jupport the famemeafure within the period of the prefent adminiftralion ? How often have you pub- licly declared your difapprobation of queftions the mod interelling to yourfelf and your country, and fhortly after, deferted your own judgment ; influ- enced and intimidated by the menaces of men^ whom you equally diftrufted and haled ? Even you, fir, have too much fincerity to deny this. — Many of your friends faw this conduct with furprize, and could not but follow you with reludance ; they plainly faw whofe meafures you ftooped to fupport, and when you thus deferted yourfelt, they thought therafelves at liberty. The late augmentation, on which The B A T C KELOR. 237 which you buiit your faaie, that firil in(;arce of your mock patriotifm, is a proof of what J have afleiced. You oppcfed .\ falutary and judicious nieafure, (rom ambition. You oppofed it, becaufe it was not a j b, ^t\i\ Hecaule you had not the ma- nagement or it. You carivafled againft it a fecond tune, even before you knew in what new mode it niigVt be introduced, whether fuch as would effec- tual! v filpnceand aiifwer all pub'ic objections, or not : and when you found that you could not pre- vent the meaiure, you voted for it, in hopes inat government w ;uld, as ufual, be duped by your ar- tifice, and that you fhould fa've yourfeii". Your very lingular condud, fir, appeared equal- ly flagrant ; your duplicity was equally remarkable, when the alteration in the meafurement of the gal- lon was propofed in rhe houfe. A fenfe of your duty, as firft Commiflioner ot the Revenue, promp- ted you to oppofe it. Here, the duty of youi fitua- tion, and your own fentiments coincided ; — vet the frowns of the patriots prevailed, and impelled you to defalcate _£2sooo. from the current fupplies of tlie year. The only vi: tue you (hewed on this oc- cafion, was modejly : it was lureiy through modeJ}y^ you afterwards apologized for your beiiaviour, by faying you had only adopted a icir me approved by the Board • — Thofe gentlemen, under whofe fandi- on you attempted to fheUer vourfelf, publicly con- tradidled you, and left M.. F y nothing but his eflablijhed chaia(Ster for 'veracity and Jtncerity, to fupport his aflertion. It would be too irkfome a taflc to expatiate on your many tergiverfations, which ^o often fub)c6ted you, as a fervaut of the crown, to make luch hu- miliating 238 The EATCHELOR. miliating apologies at the Caftle, at the very time you were attempting to impofe on the public by profelfions of pati iotifin. — I fhall content myfelf with reminding you of one inftance at prefent, be- caufe it is not only the mod recent, but in fa(ft, the moft important to your country, and your own confequence. Did you not, fir, a few minutes be- before Mr. L — gf-^d's motion to rejefl the iMoney- Bill as originated in the council, declare that you highlj^difapproved of that meafure, and would ne- ver confent to it ? Did not your beft friends expect you would oppofe it ? What obligation then has the public to you for this fudden guft of patrio- tifni ? which was neither the effeft of deliberation, nor inclination, but that of wretched timidity^ wnich has peculiarly diftinguiflied your character. You, fir, publicly declared, that you thought you had gone far enough ; — that is, you fuppofed you had dillrefled government fufficiently for your purpofe : for you were ahvays too much of a Statesman', to let the real inlereji of your coun- try have any v^'eight with you. — If a difpute with the crown of England, upon Poyning's A6t, was a national ad-vantage^ we are obliged to Mr, L — g- f — d, and thcfe who fupported him, and not to you. Your new allies were too well acquainteii with the verfatility of your difpofition; for when you were wavering, the M -fs of K — Id — re ftept up, and menaced the wretched Speaker into obedi- ence. This (hews how uninformed, and unprepared you were for the queftion ; and fo little is the public obliged to you, for any part of your condud which can be conllrued into public fpirit ! — Nay, your own haughty fon-in-law was furprized and unin- formed, The B A T C H E L O R 239 formed, when his f.'iloweiS ruflied fiom the tavern, to join in thai fudtien and inieuiperate refolution. Even your fon-in-]aw has fince condemned that fvote, as rafh and impolitic. On what fuoting then ftands your ciedit ? And yet, you call on ptu'ons lefs allied by affinity, or obligation, to fupport you in what your fon-in-law condemns, and what you yourfelf difapproved. And even, if I miilake not, you have delivered over every conhdential fe- cret againfi: thein, to be infidioufly mifrc-prefented by the malignity of our Free- [-"refs patriots ; foolijb- ly conceiving, that the virulence and fcurriiity of a few difappoi;:ted men, will prejudice the public againft thofe, whofe only crune is their refufing to ferve any longer under poor J. P y- There is, fir, even in this age of mad and Illi- beral politics, fome refpeft due, from honed and feeling hearts, to old alliances and connections. It is not furely a difference of opinion, upon a ferious point of the utmoll national importance, that can authorife one gentlem n to call in the rabble, to fit in judgment on the lamily anecdotes of another. Nor ought you, fir, for any political difappoint- nient, (poflibly arifing from your own folly or ore- funiption) to ufe thofe daggers to private happinefs, by divulging anecdotes; which you could never have polfeffed, but by fpecious piofellions of the waruieil: friendfhip. — Let the filly, undefigning, jol- ly Jack P y, at his leifure hours, refledl, that his political quarrel with his principal friends, ori- ginated more from his own verfalility and infinceri- t/, than from their defeQion. I am, fir, yours, April 20th, 1 77 1. V E R A X. V ' N UM 240 The B A T C 11 E L O R. NUMBER XLII. Rara tetnporum ftlicitate, ubi /entire qutf velis, et qua Jt7itias dicere licet. Tacit. To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq, A Skeich of the political Hiftory of Ireland, du- ring Lord To WNSH end's adininiftration. Writ- ten/or the year 1900. WE are now arrived at an interefting period in the annals of Ireland. That celebrated, (latefman, Mr Pitt, afterv/ards created Earl of Chatham, fuggeftcd the firfl: idea of reducing the ex- orbitanr power of a fadlious, venal ariftocracy, who had iinpoverilhed the kingdom, difgraced adminiftra- t'lon, and fullied the dignity of the Commons, by their parliamentary jobbs. The eftablifhment of a refident Viceroy, feemed the moft effe£tual means of cariying this wife, and liberal fyflem of poUcy, into execution ; accordingly, George Lord Vlfcount Townfhend, was appointed Lord Lieutenant, in the year 1767. The charadters and views of the lead- ers in oppofition, or as they were then ftilcd, Patri- ots, will be a neceffary introduction to this part of our hillory. T-he D— ke of L— ft— r, fupported by his power- ful connexions, and the hereditary influence of his faraily> entertained extravagant notions of his own importance : The B A T C II E L O R. 241 importance : he had been appointed one of the Lords Juftices in the year 1757; and his ambition was heated by that faint reflection of royalty. He had been raifed to the dignity of a D — ke, and en- joyed the honourable and lucrative office of Mafter General of the Ordinance ; an office, /« thofe days, jull calculated for a man paffionately fond of parade and grandeur ; of ffiining in the military trappin-rs of a foldier at a review, without fharing in the toils or dangers of the profeffion. Yet the D — ke foon forgot his Sovereign's favours favours which he had folicited with anxiety, and received with reve- rence. His piide was mortified, by feeing Engliih noblemen, inferior to him in rank and lineage, adt as the reprefentalives of Majefty, for he derived his ideas of a ftatefman's genius and experience, from the bock of heraldry. Aduated by ihefe motives, and as arrogance and felt-fufficiency operate ftrong- ell in weak minds, the D — e afpircd to the Lieute- nancy of the kingdom, and retired in difguft, be- caufe his ambition was not gratified. He grew fplenetic, fullen, and difTatialied, loudly exclaiming againll the fame meafures of government, as op- preluve and unconftitutional, which he had for- merly approved and applauded. His capacity was mean and narrow ^ — all his ftudies were confined to the ridiculous CEConomical arrangement of his houfhold. As he neither i;ofrcfred talents or know- ledge, he was fervilely bigoted to forms and ceremo- nies. He was oftentalious from pride, and fplendid rather than hofpitable j — naturally referved and diltant, and but fupercilioufly civil and polite ;— peremptory and obllinate, becaufe his dull, fombrous imagination, rendered him incapable of varying his ideas on any fubjefl, by viewing it in different lights. Want of penetration prevented his being M guided 242 The B A T C II E L O R. guided by the ableft men of his own party, as he was neither fenfible of his own weaknefs, or of their luperioiity. However, the D — ke veiled his ambi- tion, under the fpecious appearance of indepen- dence and public fpirit. Sonierinies, he would even condefcend to capitulate v.'ith goverrnient, and pledge hini'eit to fupport a particular ineajure., if the Enghlh legiflature could be induced to relax fome of thofe fevere, reiliridive laws, which were then in force., though equal'y prejudicial to the trade, and true intereft of both kingdoms. Yet, fo inconfillent was his condufl with his profellions, that he op- pofed with rancour tvtxy well-concerted fcheme of the Viceroy's, either for the extention of our com- merce, or the improvement of the revenues, which derive their prefent fiourifbin^ ftate from Lord Townfliend's judicious regulations. John P — nf — by, Efq; was then Speaker of the H — fe of C ns. A man, who by the conflid of faction, and fubiilty of intrigue, joined to fome fortuitous circumilances, faw himfelf raifed to a ftation, for which nature and education had totally difqualified him. His perfonal infignihcance ren- dered him contemptible, notwithllanding the ex- orbitant power he long enjoyed : as there was nothing refpedable in his charadler to excite fear, he was only defpikd, but never hated. His memo- ry jull ferveu to -make him recoiled a faying of his father's, the Earl of Bclb gh, '• that want of " veracity was an efiVntial ingiedient in the com- «• pofition of a flatefman." Of all- the Earl's max- ims, that was the only one he either underftood, or prattlfed — Dilfimulation, timidity, and Irrefolution, were the leading princiJes of his politics. His diffimulation was fo blended with timidity, that it feemed The B A T C H E L O R. 243 feenied to arife, rather from r.n appreheiiuon of givinjr olFence, than a conilitutional weaknefs. 7'his apparent, tho' fallacious mark of dillindion, flattered thole who addrelTed him, and was niifconftriied by them into a mark of refped : by thefe means, fome follov/ers remained attached to his perfon, 'whom his iniinceiity would otherwife have eilranged. He had cunning enough to infinuate, that his irrefolution rather fprung from a deference to the judgement of others, than from his own indecifivenefs. There was an air of fincerity in his folemn profeiTions, fufficient to deceive thofe who were not thoroughly acquaint- ed with the duplicity oi his heait. — iVlany were fecretly pleafed to fee a man at the head of the Commons, whofe influence and inieretl could com- mand any favour from government j ard wh/fe timid fpirit, and fliallow inteiledts,, encouraged them to extort pioniifes, either by bullying or perfuaiion. In a country, not quite civilized in the middle of the la'.l century, hofpitality was more eileemed than at prefent. Mr. P. was excellently fitted to fhine in this fphere, and promote the pleafures of the table, as he v/as both focial and generous. He was beloved by his companions, tor his converfation convinced them, that his underftanding was of the lowert order, and thereby flattered them into a bet- ter opinion ot their own. The fervility of the Commons in that age, and abfoluie fubmiilion to the will of the Speaker, will fca'rcely be crLdited at prefent ; yet the inflances I fliall produce are fo well authenticated, that they mufl: force convitlion on every render. To fl:rike, and intimidate the Earl of Hertford with an idea of his unbounded power and influence, he obliged the obfequious Commons to refjlve, " That an entry, iVl 2 " iccoidcd 244 The B A T C H E L O R. « recorded in the journals of the year 1615, ac- «' knowleging the conllitutional prerogative of the ** crown, and the legal rights of the Deputy and *« Council, fhould be expunged, as a difgrace to " parliament." The next day, A'Ir. P. after having had the honour of a fecret conference with the Earl, induced that fubfervient aiTeinbly to vote, *' That the clerk had mirtaken the fenfe and orders *< of the houfe ;" though it was proved beyond a pofTibilit', of doubt, that the motion was conceived in thofe iMords, which were taken down by the clerk with accuracy and precifion, and repeatedly read to the whole houfc. For this fiiamelefs conduct, the Speaker was ap- plauded by his friends, as they foolilhly fuppofed he was a confummate politician, by conciliating the favour of the Vice-roy, and fliewing the implicit obedience of that fupple Senate, who had disgraced themfelves to exalt him. By this fhameful tranfa6ti- on, we may evidently perceive the tergiverfation and effrontery of an ariftocratic faction, who are always ready «o ftart any infiJious queftion, to ex- cite a popular clamour againft government, and then meanly to retra£t and refcind their own folemn votes and refolutions, at the beck of their chief. Since thai dilgraceful sera, the dignity of the commons hath been lludioufly preferved. The fecond imlance, by which he proftituted the honour of the Commons, was, by procuring an iniquitous a61 of parliament, to protect and enrich an infamous, difcounting fhopkeeper, whofe crimes •were oi fo uncommon, and flagitious a nature, that the laws of his country had not devifed any punifli- nient for them. Some years after, this man became a member The B A T C H E L O R. ^45 a member of that houfe, in whofe journals he is ftill recorded for every fpecies of meannefs and fraud. As his pofterity are now peers of tire realm, I do not choofe to mencion his name, letl it fliould be voted a breach of privilege. — — — — • — — Cii'tera dtfunt. — — — Q^ NUMBER XLIII. Dijfficilis, fncilis, jucunJus, acerhus es ide?n ; Nee tecum pojjhm z'i'vere, nee fine te. Martial. To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. SIR, THINK it will furnidi out a v/hlmfical fpeculati- on, to confider the various traits wliich peculiarly diftinguifh his Excellency Lord Sancho ; and alfo the various difcordant notions which our great mea have entertained, at different times, about this hete- roclite being. By thefe means, we may form fuch an idea of his principles and, politics, as cannot be fuggelted, cither by panegyrick or inveftive.—^lf your paper is not fervilely devoted to the courts you may gain fome credit, by admitting an eflay v/;itten en this fubje£t, with freedom and impartia- lity. On his E.'fccllency's arrival he was, like the refl: of his predecefTors, complimented, cateffcd and flat- tered, — Araidft the general felliviry, the p'cafures M 3 and 246 The B A T C H E L O R. nnd fr.arci of the taMe were not rieglc(ftecl in thfs hofpitablo country. S.incho was a hon I'tvant, and being botli a foldier and a man of wit, v.'as eaiiy Inbitiiati'd to a jovial life, and Teemed to relifh our Hi'eipinn mode of afficiatirg claret and politics : — \Ht; laugVTed and joked, talked with Mr. P. oi b>mnds and horfes, and entertaitied ibme of li.j Dublin Societv with a Ii^>ely account of the cultiva- t'on of N'.v-foik turnips. F(e ufualiy difparched a ir.eir^ivjjr every week to Rainham for dogs of every ipccies, fro/fi a fox-hound to a turn-fpit — ihe/e he prefented to our nobility and gentry, and feeined to Jiave no other view, than in»proving ihe canine brctd in thio kingdom. — Mr.'P — nf — by, like a wife jiiinifter, wns charmed by the diifipated manners of the Vicerov ; 'fwo e " he was the very man »« ff-ey wanted, that /A/_y Vv-ou'd do his and the ■" Kinsr'.s br.fnefs, and carry him triuruphantiy " tiu()U^h tiie feifion." In the m.="in time, the fprightly Governor's noc- tuviia! revels ai'.d*^5« mofs, furrifhed entertainment find converlation to the town ; and it was even con- fidently reported, that he had made his implicit de- pendence on the Enghfh miniflry, and his want of nower, the rubjeft of a fatyrical caracaiure, and had ada:.lly drawn himfelf in a ludicrous attitude, with his hands tied behind bis b,ck. Arts h'ke th.fe ini^ht well deceive the moft fagacious of our politi- cians, wiihout any impeachment of theTr underftand- ines, as dnngerous meafures could fcarcely be purfu- ei-i bv U'.ch a merry Viceroy ; who, like Chailes the lid. did not affunie the ai s of rovalty one hour in a month. Hovv'ever, Mr. Wagltaffe, this pleating de- lufion (iki not laft lo-^g. At the commencement of the fellion in 1767, the obfcquious, undefigning Sancho, The B A T C H E L O R. 247 Sancho, began to talk in a different ftyle. He infor- med Mr P. as premier^ that he he did not choofe to be a neminul Lord Lieutenant ; that he would not fit idly on the box, like the {late coachman, whilll: others led and governed the hories. This allulioa Mr. P. perfedly underllood, and it both furpiized and mortified him. — He was alfo alarm- ed by Itrange accounts of Sancho's converlation, as a man of biifmefs j — his knowledge o'i our conlUluticn, acquaintance wi'.h the policy of the country, and ftriclures on the fyrtem of jobbing, filled him with feiious appiehc.iiJr.s. At this time, his Excellency had neither the fore- fight nor experience of the Attorney General to diiefl, nor the copious, perfuafive, and iireliitable eloquence of the Prime-Serjeant to aflin: Iiim. Both ihefe gentlemen were then in the oppofiiion ; but Sancho, who fet a proper value on fuch abilities, had art and addrefs enough to conciliate their affec- tions, and make them ever fince his firm fupportcs and iiiends. — By this conduft, he acquired the cha- racter of a penetrating and crafty ftatefman. Ills un- expeftcd digrefllons, and fudden flights of fancy, on the nioft ferious and important fubjedls, were then efteemed artful difguifes, to conceal his real fcnli- ip.ents and intcniloni. — As I defign my obfeivations merely to enable the candid reader to form fome jut'gn)ent of this extraord nary perfonage, from au- ti.ciuic fadls and anecdotes, I pafs over the auginen- taiioii, pioiogation, and other public ails of his ad- niiniftration, without either praife or cenfure. His Excellency's vivacity and volatile difpofition, furniih a perpetual fund of agreeable entertainment. — Oije day, the munificence and fplcndor of a Nor- M 4 ihuuiLcrland; 248 The B A T C H E L O R. tliumbeiland dazzles us at the Caftle ; — the next, prefents us a Itriking view of Lord H — rt d's tarnifhed dignity. Sancho's temper and converfation are alfo uniformly fitigular, and exadly fuited to his doineitic cecononij. Wit, and lively pitfturelque ri- dicule, rometimes cake entire pofreilion of his imagi- nation : gaiety and beneficent good humour illumi- nate his countenance, and diffufe over his addrefs the moH: captivating and amiable graces. — Suddenly the fccne ch.inges, and nothing is prefented to us but 2Et. I am aflur- ed, that he is his own fecretary, and that he often fits The B A T G H E L O R. 249 fits up till four or five o'clock fn the morning, wri- ting difpatches, after ilrolling the Green, arm in arm with L — d M — It — on, as the town fays, with the laudable intenlion of picking up a girl. It is tiovj flirewedly fufpefled, that this perturbed fpirit intends 10 haunt us five or (w years longer. The report of a {uccefTor being appointed, is found- ed on an artful coUufion to difcover the views and expedations of thofe patriots, who ar&afhamed to lay themjeli'es open to Sancho. Many of them are noiu at Paris, offering their fervices, and pouriig out their complaints to one who affededly feems to pity them, and promifes to redrefs their grievances. But let it be remembered, that a moft confidential mini- fter, the Provolt, is on the fpct, charge des affairesy and pledged to fupport his old friend Sancho's inte- reft. To carry on the farce with more plaufibility, this re'verjlonary Vice-roy has nOi.jnated two or three aids des camps, and may appoint his whole family like Lord Biiftol, without any ferious intenti- ons of coming over. Thefe grand manseuvres are all preparatory to the feflion of parliament which San- cho will open next winter, as he h perhaps, determin- ed to give us the coup de grace, and conclude his ad-^ niinifiration by eUablifliing a Land Tax. I am, fir, yours, Dubliriy JulyCih, 1772. SPECULATOR. M 5 N U M- 250 The BATCH ELOR. NUMBER XLIV. Iratus Chremes-, tumido delitigat Ore. HOR To Jeoffry VVagstaffe, Efcj. SI R, DOCTOR Swift, In his " (Tiort view of the ihrce of Ireland." includes the non-refidtnce of a chief governor among the lift of national grie- vances. — To remedy this, and many other incon- veniencies, the celebrated Lord Chatham, propofed a new pol'tical fyilem, v/hich was inilanlly ad.>pted, and happily brought to perfection by the prei'ent Lord Lieutenant ; — yet this very nieafure has been the caufe of all our complaints. The powerful ari- llociacy wi\ich had folong leigned without controul, could not be to reiinqiiilh their power : Like pyrates they iuaviediately huiig out falfe colours, to deceive the people, and alfemble them under the fpecious fiandaid of patrioiifrn. — To reftore Inde- pendance to the Houfe of Commons has been repre- fenied as a defign toenilve the nation. To at- tempt governing the kingdom without Lords Ju-fti- ces, vi'as efteenied high treaiun againft the conrtitu- tion. The reverence uluaily paid thofe luighty lords, often made me recollect the cuiloin of leading an afs into church, and tinging an anthem in his praife ; yet when Europe bad eiiierged from baibarihn, an attempt The SATCIICLOR. 251 attempt to aboliili this ridiculous cutlom occafioned' manv riots among the bigoited rabble. The proceedings of the houfe furnifh the ilrongeft proofs of thefe inveterate prejudices — '1 he nation is faid to be bankrupt and ruined, finLing under op prefiion, loaded with taxes, curfed with a venal and corrupt admin. ftration, who piofufeiy lavilh the public money in unneceffary expences. An honourable member who feems to have tuned his voice to the doleful notes of a paffing bell, lately preached a prolix funeral fermon over his country. — Ireland was ruined becaufe — but I learn to imitate the Kil- kenny orator, who fubftitutes viiulent inventive and perfonal deformation, for preciilon in argument, • and candor in debate- — Mr. H — fs — y's attic ele- gance may apologize for his fatire ; — hut the preme- ditated joke, the forced conceit, the aukward rail- lery, are Mr. Flood's peculiariiies, and dilHnguilhi him as much as dijhrtion, vociiciaiion, and a ■^licious' pronui.ciation, that would even difgrace the Cice-- ronian fociety. - After the able ft champions of o/>/i5///£)« had ex- • hauiled their rhetoric, and exhibiicd tlieir miltaKen inaccurate caiculaaons to gain the applaufe of the gallery, they were anfwered by the Prime Serjeant in a ftyle and manner liiat adds grace to a dry • and tiref jme fubjeit, and renders it agreeable. The ■ patriots v/ere llicvvn to be weak reafoners and mi- fcrable financiers, and not in the leaft qualified for a ' feat at either the old or a ne--w board. The inconfitl:- ency of their arguments was evident. In ;he year 1769 — under Lord Townfliend's adminiftiation, the trade of the kingdom it feems was anihilated, be- • cauu: the revenue liad dccteafed j^5g,ono. — Yet. in 1761', 252 The B A T C H E L O R. 1 761 , under the mild, wife, and ccconomical Mr. P — nl^ — by, a deficiency of j^8 1,000 had fpread no al- arm. The exports (our only beneficial commerce) have encreafed ; — yet if we were to credit thefe fage politicians, the nation was undone, becaufe the trea- lury was not enriched by duties which arife on our iniports. 7"here new commercial piinciples are not to be found in D'Avenant or Petty, the public fpirit- ed financiers may have picked them up trom Sr. W — 11 — m M — yne, or — a writing mafter. Hov/ever, the debates yefterday in the houfe, proved the legality and expediency of the New Hoard, beyond a pofiibility of doubt. The Kilken- ny orator, moved for the following refolution, " that the Houfe would not allow, any fums applied to the payment of new Commiflioners of Excife, but fliould credit the nation with their fallaries." -The illegallity of this motion was pointed out, as it was dircdly contrary to a pofitive ad of parliament, which both empowered the king to appoint a New Board ; and alfo, provided for the additional ex- pence. Mr. F. then modejUy withdrew his moti- on, and candidly apologized for introducing it, by acknowledging his ignorance of the Excife Laws ! He then propoied another refolution, which was only a little deficient in fenfe and grammar : However, by the aflillance of Mr. Maione's ju- dicious remarks it was at laft reduced to Englifli, and fnaped into conntUncy : The purport of it was, " that the Houfe would refufe their confent to any alteration in the prefent Excife Laws, which might carry into efied the divifion of the Board. &c. Mr. Mafon immediately perceived the abfurdity of agreeing to fuch a refolution, and to (hew it in the fliongell light, he ptopofed this amendment, '• however The B A T C H E L O R. 253 " however beneficial fuch an alteration might be for colleftfng the public revenue." In the courfe of the debate, Mr. F. exhibited his ufual oiatorial powers : he compared the friends of Government to a Phalanx, which penetrated like a Wedge through the loofe ranks of independance. — Meta- phors, and figurative expreffions, introduced with elegance and propriety have a peculiar beauty : but M. F d defpiles fuch puerilities : his inaccura- cies, his blunders, his millakes are owing to the fublimity of his genius : He refembles the antient philofopher who often fell into a ditch, while he was itudying aftronomy, and contemplating the ftars — Even Potter's antiquities might teach him to dif- tinguifh between a Phalanx and a Wedge, and not ufe thefe terms asjynonimouf, in a finiihed ora- tion. However, as Mr. F. feems angry at a fiiendly hint you formerly gave hini, to vary his flu- dies frrm Demoflhenes to Salmon's grammar, I I lliall fay no more on the fubjeft. Sir George Macartney, in a fenfible manly tone of reafoning, defended the meafures of ad- miniftratlbn. Mr. F. had aflerted, " that it was an indignity and infult offered the Houfe, to ap- point a New Board, in contradidton and defiance of their * late refolution." Sir George proved, how inexplicit, indecifive, anu nugatory, this boafted refolution was. It was entirely retrofpedi^e, and could not by any conlhudion extend xo ihQ future. He juftly termed it an iniiendo refolution. It was neither addrcfTed to the King, or the Lord Lieute- nant. The Houlc ordered the Speaker to lay It before his Excellencv, and he toM them he would tranfmit it to his Majefty ; but at the lame time in. • That fcvcn CommifTioners had hitherto been fuffii ient, formed 254 The BATCH ELOR. formed them, he had received his Majedy's oiders for dividing the Boards. Though he gave the Houfe that information, they ftill hoped the King would recal or cancel ihoic letters. For it is univerfall}' believed, that the patri- ots chief objedti'jns were not giounded on the in- expediency of the uicalure, but arofe fiom ferfon- al pique and difappointment. They could not bear to think, that gentlemen, who had fupported government, and afted wifely, fiiould be diftinguiHi- ed by their Sovc;cign's favour, when fome of their leaders had been dilmiffed for folly and ingratitude : the contraft was too llrong and humiliating. They alfo had another excellent reafon for oppofing the prefent arrangement. — As they probably intend fr.pporting a future adininillration, they meant to keep the New Board as a referve, to be compofed of their friends, and therefore can't forgive Lord Townfhend, for cutting off this dernier rejource. It is evident to a demonftration, that Mr. P n • f by's chief aim "/as to eftablifh a new board for the provifion of his friends. In his virtuous admi- nilbation, and in the firfl year of his prefent Majcf- ty's reign, the a»Sl paffer, which has facilitated the execution of this long projefled Ichcme, Jaticli^ oned by three particular afts of parliament. — The expence at the utmofl will not exceed 12000I. per ann. — and the gain to the revenue will probably be five times as much : for it is well known, that the inland excife of Ireland is now lefs than it was a century ago, and yet the people, and confcquently theconifumptlon, is neatly doubled. No The B A T CHE LOR. 255 No one exclaimed Co loudly againft the expence of the board as the oeconomical Mr. J n • P nf by. He prophefiedh would occafion a land tax, (which he has takerf care his tenants mufl: pay) and alfo, that the meafure itfclfwas imprac- ticab'e, without a new claufe in the aft. — It is real>- Iv pleafant to obferve this gentleman in his new character of an osconomift — The man who had for fo many years loaded the country with un- neffary fine -cures. — He who had fwelled the charg- es of the revenue in incidents and fallaries, from 69,651! 15s. 2d. to 114,714!. 4s. 3d. annually. — This infidious management of the revenue rendcrt-d government dependent on the Irifi ariftocracy : con- fequently the patriotic proftitution of it, became a fundamental maxim in their politics. New taxes were levied on the people to fupply the deficiency j and the odium was thown on government, by theie tonfcientious gentlemen. When Mr. P — nf — oy precided at the Board, Capt. Mercer was permitted to build as many boats as he pleafed. He built one, called the HIbernia, for Mr. Glovev. Her outfet coil: 4000). Her an- nual expence was 6000I. though fne never made a capture. When Mr, Beresford, and fir W. Oflborne, were appointed Comuiiilioners, they thought it their dudy, to enquire into the matter. They found fi e was totally unfit for any puipofe. To make an ex- periment, however, they ordered her to block up the port of Ruih ; flie did fo ; at low water, the fui«gg!ers all failed out, the Hibernia was lying dry, and could noi float 'till high water. CaptainM — 1 — er, on being examined, was obliged to give in a report in writing, that flie v/as unferviccable. Here was a dead 25<5 The B A T C H E L O R. dead expence of 4000I, incurred at firft, befides 6000I. per annum; which is above half the fum, ihe new board can poilibly coft. 7'his is only one example of Mr. P nf -by's cecononiy. The lafl: motion propofcd in the H — fe, could only proceed from a head ftoied with fuch trum- pery ideas, as Mr. B — ry B — ry's. " That the " Coinmiirioneri; of the Excife, fhould be fufpend- *' ed from their fundtions in parliament." This motion was treated with cold contempt. Mr. Buflie's arguments on the fubje£t, were mafterly, fpi- ritted, and ingenious. This Mr. Wagftaffe, was the latl effort of Mr. P. and an expiring fadion ; of a faction whofe laft efforts againft the eftablilh- ment of a new board, may be compared to the eonvulfive ftruggles of a hcadlefs fly, that feems for a moment to acquire llrength from the very wound that deftroys it. Yours, &c. February 15th 1772. SENATOR. N U M- The BATCH EL OR. 257 NUMBER XLV. Extremum nutem prteceptum in beneficiis-, operaque dandn eji, ne quid contra cequitatem contendasy tie quid per injuriam. Fundamentum enim perpetute^ commendationisf et faviise efi jujlitia, ftne qua nihil poteji ejje laudabile. Cicero de OfficIIs. To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. . SIR, PLINY defcribes a fpecies of men with heads like dogs, who barked inftead of fpeaking j I fancy our complaining patriots are lineally defcended from thofe monflers. The dull declaimers in the Freeman, without either precifion in their argu- ments, truth in their aiTertions, or anv knowledge of the fiibjecl they write on, ftill continue to pour out illiberal inve£i.ives on our Chief Governor ; though, a moment's reflection might convince them, that the prefent deficiency in the revenue principally origi- nated from the management of that able financier, and incorrupt patriot, Mr. P. ' The late Sir Richard Cox conftantly aflerted, and proved by the mofl: accurate calculation, that Mr. P — nP — by's election to the chair, and fupporting liim in it, coft the nation one million fterling. Sir Richard formed his eftimate by the feveral parlia- mentary grants for different jobs, including the pen- fions 258 The B A T C H E L O R. fions birftcwed by government on Mr. P — nf — by's friends, from the year 1754. when Lord H — (b — gh was appoirued Lord Jujlke, to the year 1764, vhen A-lr. P. vainly imagiritd himfelf firmly eftablillied by \\iz family compad. — In the year 1765, he be- came chief contraftor for doi:!g what was called the King's bufinefs, that is, procuring the iilual fupplies eJJ^ntiu'ly nquifite to the fupport and defence of the kingd'jin f'or thus gracioiifly condefcending to leive his country, he enjoyed the invaluable privi- lege of conducing every job in the Houfe o Com- mons, and of lavifliing the public revenue, to influ- ence and carry on elections in the country. Such were the grand obje6ls of Mr. P — nf — by's admini- ftration, when he prefiJed in the houle, and at the board. The expence of the revenue eftabliniment annu- ally increafed, from 69,658!. 15s z\\., 'till in the year 1769 it amounted to 117,7141. 4s 2|d. By this means Mr. P. became intoxicated with pov/er, and fought government, (as Broghill exprefl- es it) " in its own armour, and with its own wea- *' pons, at the head of his revenue legion of collec- " tors, furveyors, tide-waiters, fearchers, packers, " guagers." If we examine his mniniiterial conduft, we (hall find, that infcead of providing for the exigencies ot government, by judicious and equitable taxes, he loaded the nation with a debt of 581,96-il. 33- c^iJ. either through inattention or defign ; and luffered the very laws, on which the colleftion of the reve- nue immediately depended, to be explained away by the fubtle diilinaion of lawyers, and the quirks of fmugglers, agents, and folicicors. — Tj Mr. P. We The B A T C H E L O R. 259 We are obliged for the a£l of parliament to explain pan of the 14th and i5ih of Charles II. by which the revenue has been diininiilird 86,151!- yearley. — Not content with this, morejobs was accompliftied by his unbounded power in the Houfe of Commons to compleat the defalcation. Vv'hen the Lord Lieutenant's fivmnefs had render- ed the leaders of fadion contemptible, and baffled everv effort either to cajole or intimidate higf) : w hen Mr. P. found himfelf diappoin'.ed in all his merce- nary fchemes, he at lafl refigned the chair. L=ke an afs (lung by a hornet, he had fmarted by the councils of the jttl kenny orator, and was glad to eicape trom him. Government, now freed from a difgraceful fub- jeftion to ftate contactors, is in the condition of a perfon, who on caning to age, difcovers the frauds of a knavifh guardian : this will appear evident by the foilovv'ing llate of the revenue. Deficiency occafioned by the explaratory ad cf the 5ih of George III. — X^^''?^ o 4 By fix-pence per gallon, draw-back on rum landed in England — a bounty e- qiially prejudicial to both kingdoms, as it encourages fmuggling on their coafls. — 64,613 7 o By an alteration in the excife gallon, — 20,000 o o L 170,764 7 4 In 26o The BATCHELOR. In Auguft 1744 Mr. P."| was appointed Com- j minioner : In that f year, which ended >';4>092 2 zf at I-ady-Day 1 745, the revenue eftabli/h- | nient amounted to j Which in the year end- ing Lady- Day 1/59' J> 83,259 '4 It was i 83- Increafed charge — 291167 U 11 Incidents. Year ending Lady-day 1744. _ 15,566 13 o Year ending Lady-day 1769, 31454 'o i| Increafed 'charge in incidents 15,887 17 il £ 45-055' 9 ci • Mr. P. thus appropriated the funi of 4 5.0 5 5 1, for the maintenance of his -civil lijl. T he oificers of the revenue, inftead of minding their duty, em- ployed -themfelves in eleftion-jobbing, as the mod effeftual recommendation to their patron. — A total relaxation of difcipline took place among Mr. P.'s troops. — Co!!e6lors might embezzle his Majelly's calli, and even fend up falfe returns for their re- ceipts, to apologize for not anfvvering an acquit- tance.— The B A T C H ^ L O R, 261 tance.— It' they could infiue. l,:: .: burgejj,.Ot com- maoa two or three vor.es, they were erteemed excel- lent officers, and received the thanks of the fiifi: Commiffioner. Nothiiig can be more ahfurd than to fee a fet of men affeding to be patriots ^v exdaiining ..i/ainft every thing that tends to ii; cove the revenue. They muft kn,:w t'lat they ultimately diilieis their country by this conduct; the civi! find military 'ift inufl: be kept up for the fake of the Vvhole ; niid fome gratifications are neceifary, not only as re- wards to merit, but to al'-jviiT.- the misfortunes of families fallen from their rai-k and affluence, ^,'ho would olherwife be reduced to obfcurity and indi- gence. The greater!: infult, and 'nde?d innpofition on the public, is, to fee thofe who already enjoy prefer- ment, and thofe who expetSt it, diibeliing their country by an atfcClation ol virtue — the' they bran- difh ihe fword of oppofuion wiih one hand, the fup- plicating palm of the other is extended ; like the fftiritual tyc oi 2i Swadling preacher, up lifted to Heaven in a tervour of devotion, whilft the carnal one is call down, to count th- Hjillings, and compute the godly gains extorted from a deluded audience. Whoever examines the per.fion llil, will find that no families have loaded rhdr country fo unmercei- fully as our prefent bawling patriots. They even obtained penfionary favours tor jf^/ri that the preju- dice ihey had done their country might not ceafe with their lives, arjd thar thc}- might fhtv their in- gratitude to governmeiii without injuring ihemlelves. The 262 The B A T C H E L O R. The public caugVit with the mere found of their prefent profeHions, do not fee that the national re- venues have been mortgaged, and ave likely to be again mortgaged, to fupp!y the infatiable demand of ihofe painoered patriots on a fecond conveifion. This wc may expctl, whenever their own noife, and the public credulity, fliall raife them to fufficient confequence. V E C T I G A L. June 25th. I 771. N U M ^3 E R XLVI. PATRIOTISM. Jn Ode. I. WHEN generous Greece, in virtue bold, Difdaiiied the Peifian power and gold, She formed a facred band ; Philofophy, her foldiers chavm'd, In freedom's caufe her heroes arm'd, ,^ To (hield their native land. II. Not fuch the zealots of our days, Who cringe for hire, revile or praife, And yet for patriots paik I So -the falfe PrufEan clips and colns^ From Dantzig's fterling gold purloins, Then circulates his brafs ! III. The B A T C H £ L O R. 265 III. W'aat mnfe car. fing that changelings nicks, Renown'd ior (hallow politics ? Pledg'd both to ''oe and friend : Yet he can lead he venal throng. With pron'.ifes entic'd along. On which ihe dupes depend ! IV. Thus, a mean quack by chyinic oils, Norv/egia's hungry vermin foiis. Without the aid or cheefe ; The [cent alone attrafts theiu round. They feem to tread on magic ground, And truft the infidious breeze. V. Thy rhetoric, Fl — d, can I rehearfe. And paint dillortion in my verfe. Of tumid periods fcan ? You foar aloft in bombaft phrafe, Whihl Ch — le — nt with aukward gaze, Admires the wonderous man. VI- Thy aim, to tire, retard, perplex. By ca'umny to (lain- or vex, Uugratetully upbraiding ; On your old frit^nds to fling difgrace, For without penfion, or a place. You're Satan viewing Eden. VJ. 264 ^'he BATCHELOR. VII. With jaundic'd envy deeply fmit, Like Hutchinfon, you'd fhine in wit, But fli'gglfli fancy halts ; Flat, when you change your ul'ual key ; So niids arifing from the fea, Evaporate their falts. VIII. See G rid ne fequeftered, dull, Of his high lineage vainly full, And buoyed with empty pride : A Satrap, fit iox Jiars and ilate. As Mordeccai, raifed frotn the gate, In royal pomp to ride. IX. In corporation trappings gay, The M fs fuie deferves my lay, And claims diftinguifhed place . He'll ne'er eclipfe a father's famCf In wit and worth fo much the fame, We fcarce fhall mifs his grace. X. Heavens ! how reduced that antient line, Who in Hibeinia's annals (hine, Renown'd at Brefny's t":c!d ; Vv'hen Raymond led the gallant train. And awe-ftruck Aldem, viewed the plain, Blaze with the kindered fiiield !* » Vide Liitleton'b hillory, vol. 3. page z8o XI. The B A T C H E L O R. 26« xr. Can the degenerate fons afpire, To emulate their noble lire, Intrepid, great, and free ? They boaft: a Raymond's blood indeed ! So the cart xzzqx, fallen in fpeed, Is puff'd by pedigree. XII. See patriot landlords thin the foil. Forgetful of the bloody toil, Which made a tyrant bow : Ulfter, both James and Lewis braved ,' That land the father's valour faved, The fun's forbid to plough, XIII. Shall induftry opprelfion fetl. And throw afide her bufy wheel. To feek Ofwego's gloom ? Kis cot and babes the weaver flies, No more the pointed (huttle plys, Tho' Britain bribes our loom ! XIV. Where ariflocracy prevails, juftice refi^ns her ballanc'd fcales. And fhuns the haled fhore ; 'Till one bold fpirit breaks the chain. He blafts the venal junto's reign, And tyranny's no more. i'^ - XV. a66 The B x\ T C H E L O R. XV. Hence, liberty's difFufed around, Eletlors caich his jovous found : *' Let vile depend.^:;ce ceafe ; <* On change ot ftn.rea iieedom waits, y When mtnibers hold their purchcis'd feats, *' Short as their tenants /eafe." XVI. Jobbers no more our trcafures \vafte> No more each petty rvrant's taflie, Can ufeful proji;ds fniothjr : In vain the anxious llatefman toil'd, •—The hay-rope's end in vain we coil'd, While afles nip'd the other. XVII. Already, commerce waits the gale, From the new world expands her (ail, To make our ports her boaft.' The Englifh merchant jealous fees Our ftreamers catch the weftern breexe, Nor touch Britannia's coall .' xviir. Thefe bounties ToA-nfliend's hand bedowe^, To whom capricious Albion r.wts, Her peafant:> train'd to fight ; For he beheld with juft dililain, Importei. GeriDans crowd her plain, To guard a Briton's right ! XIX. The B A T C H E L OR. 267 XIX. l.et faftion roar, and patriots rail. Their venoin'd arrows may aflail. But never wound his bieatl : Unnoticed, dull inveftive lyes, A mere Ephemeron it dyes, Or but provokes a jeft. XX. The Ephori thus indignant fmil'd, When drunken Chians has denl'd The magifterial chair j Thro' fober Sparta they proclaim, ♦' That men ber.-ft of fenfe and (hame " Were iafe, and guiltlefs there." Q N U M B E R XL VII. Ut pidura pocfls. HoR. 7o Jeoffry Wagstafpe, Efq. SI R, LAST night I happened to call on a ccrta'n great man not far from the Callle, and bt-iig introduced into a room to wait till he was at kiruce to f^e me, I amufed n^/felf by looking eve"' Unu3 books and papers which I Tjund ic.iilertd ,'bo>: -oa N 2 .1 green 16% The B A T C H E L O R. a green table. In turning over the lutter, I found thQ notes which 1 fend you : the)' Ibcm to be wrote in hafte, and in fonie places are fcarce legible ; but 'lis plain they are intended as flietches of dcligns, v/hich are to be filled up at leifure. — Taey put me in mind of that anecdote which is recorded of the Roman Emperor, in whofe clofet (after his death) was found a lill of fenators, and other obnoxious perfons, with marks to each name, as memoranda of the time and manner in which they were to be executed At firft T hud fome little fcruplc ab to the propriety of publilhing 9 paper, of which I got pof- fefiion by the means 1 have mentioned, without the confent or knowledge of the owner ; but on con- fidering the manner in which the great peifon's name and charaQer is every day treated in the public papers, 1 find he is not intitled to ihc benefit of thofe laws and principles, by which ether members of the community are protetted ; and no dealing can be unfair with an highwayman, or a Lord Lieutenant. And am, fir, yours, Src, R. G. 1. Mr. F. in the habit of a kettle-drummer, riding on Mr P. in the fiiape of an afs. 2. Mr. F. mounted on the box, driving a ftage- coach, with Mr. P— nf— by in the cradle. -i. The D. of L. in his robes, examining the ducal coronets painted on his bomb-carts and wheel- banowb. .. D r The B A T C II E L O R. 269 4. D r C- ts, with a horn-book in his lund, teaching his noble colleague the M. of K. his Ic'aers. 5. C — n — r F — z — ns, Tn the drcfj of a mendi- cant, i'ryar, preaching a funeral feniion. 6. C — n — r H — ! — n, in the charaiSter of a fex^- ton, tolliii^^ a muflliid bell. 7. Mr. B-rch with a pair of fcalcs inhis hand, weighing the reiolurion of the Coinir.ons in the. year 1754» agalntl a bank-note of five pounds. 8. W ~ B gh, Efq; in the chara6ler of the execuli'ner who cut off K. Charles's head. g. B — ry M — x — 11, Efq; (in the chara6ler of Dennoflhenes) rehearfing his fpeech, with a hot po-^ tatoe in his mouth, inllead of pebbles. lo. D — n — s D !y, Efq; in the chara£ler of Milcon'.^ cherub, rebuking S.\tan. It. Right hon. Antony Malone, Efq; holding up the lullre in the Houfe of Commons. \2- Apollo and the Gracer,, prefenting the Fiir,;e Serjeant with a ne-w edition of Coke upon Littleton, and the statutes at large. 13. His Excellency Lord TownHiend in the character of a Legiflator, cfT- ring the Oflennia! and Abfentee-biils, a bounty on Iiiih linen, &c. &c. N 3 to 270 The B A T C H E L O R. to the people, — ivho Jet up the IriJJj cry. 14. Cnunfellor Scott with Blackftone in one hard, and Congrcve in the other. — Tlic back ground of the picture exhibits a perfpcdive view of DoQor Achnicl's baths. 15. Mr. P — r— y in his rohe"5, feated In (he fpeaker's chnir, and Mr. P — nf — by in the chara^ler of a door-keeper. 1-5 G — n — ! G — fl) — ne in the charaiFler of a Rot!!3n coiiful, harranguing his army before an en- gage me ijt 1 7. -Sir K-- — re B — r — ws in the ch.tra(Sler of 'Squire Boohy-i marrying Pamela. 18. Tiie h.r«; jf H. L. R -y, Efq; painted at the rcqueil of the" Kirk of Scotland, as a fron- tifpiece to the Laiiicnti.a'jns of Jertniiah the Pro- phet. 10. S"r J ■£ C -Id — 11 with a bee-hive on bis bcati fmging the ballaCt of the Poor Blind Boy to the Dublin Society. 20. Lord M — ng — n> fetting the Ode on Lord B — m — t's inftal!ation, 10 cufic. 21. Sir W — 11 — ;n T • ne, throwing a box of Scotch fn'jit into t'e lord mayor and aldermen's eyes, juft as they are go;.;g to fign bis city leafe. 22. Sir The B A TC HELOR. 271 22. Sir L- '"«« s O'B n in the charatSter of S'lenus, hung mund with leaden pints, qua-t , and ne'w excife gallons, aftiide en a bee:- barrel, diinking fuccefs to the King's revenue in taplafli. 23. L. V. M — nt — s, delivering to his bookreHer Cicero de Oiatore, and the laft trealile on oulloas, to be bound together. 24- Lord B s, expounding the church cate- chifm to his family, and fcratchijig out the eighth, commandment. 25. An emblematical figure of Mr. P- by's profejjed moderation, exhibited in the pv;U;ait ,of C — V- — 1 M re,waiiirg at the uoo ^: the II — (e of C ns, (in a f.rait ivaijicoa!) lo g''--^ . vote, but prevented by his keeper. 26- Fryar John, in the character ^f facrificing little J — if — s, his fon-i;. 'avi , of popularity, v/iih an angei ivii-. knife, and pointing n a Lufh ii' bi/liop is entangled. 27. The ^ame, in the chu Bru'ius, conc'citr'ins i^is Ion tv tit r . before tae CACCuJ'^n. 28. Lord I. 1 dan:'n praCV.fiDg to VviCpa. '.'u a while hanukciChc; :• 29- J ^'^-R-l' licking "ly L — do .., ..i.. N A 272 The B A T C II E L O R. 30. Lord S n dircfliiig his followers to vot agiiinft penfions, and figning a receipt tor the arrears of his own, due the day that Jeremiah Dyfon's was lb uck off. 31. The rev. Dr. B -ws, explaining the revelation of St. John to his pupil, and ftealing the Woman of Plealure into the pocket of the young gentleman's fifter. 32. His Excellency L— d T d on the hill of Howth, caracaturing Sir W. M — ne, and his patii- utic band, on their return to England, auiidll the groans of a defponding city. 33. A portrait of L — d H th, prefenting an oyfter, to his Excellency, to confole him in the gene- ral calamity. 34. Mr. F d, giving a clyfter of calve's head foup to A. R in, Efq; to enable him to fit cut a long debate in the H. of C ns : the E. of C 1, Sir E. N m, and Sir L. O'B n, in the back ground, waiting to kifs him after the operation. Y. Z. N U IvI- The B A T C H E L O R. 273 N U M B E R XLVIII. Extrad of a letter from Slocktolni, fune 30. A feiv days ago a 'very extraordhuiry occurence hap- pened here. A Firdandman brought a Jhif load of ivood to [til in this caf itol ; and a difpute arifmg het-iijeen him and one of the foldiers upon guard, in i'-bich the latter thi~eatened violence, and uttered the hitterefl execrations-, the Finlandman, flily ta- king an herb out of his pouch, rubbed it in a 'violent manner ouer the jatvs and mouth of the foldier, ivho thereupon ivas inftantly flrucken dumb. The affair came before a civil court of judicature. The court not deeming this 'violent, though natural jnode of doing rjne\^ ftlf jufiice, and not firidly juflifiahle, iVere going io pafs fentence on him j but the Fin- landman begged he might be heard a feiv ivords. This requfl being granted, the honefl Finlaridman - replied, that, had he totally depri'ved the foldier of his ufe of fpeech, he luould not pretend to jufify his cujn conduH, but as the herb luhich he had made ufe of, occaftoned only a tomporary depri-vati~ on of fpeech, and the poiver of that herb mioht be : counteracled in half a minuted time-, by the applica- tion of another herb, 'which he had then in his pockety he hoped the judges 'would releafe him, on comlition ■ of his reforing the foldier to the ufe of his fpeech,. This reijueli being alfo granted, the Finlandfnan ap- plied the antidotal herb to the foldier'' s mouth, and the duriik man infantly recovered his fpeech. Froin tl:e E n g t.. 1 s h P a ;• 7 r s; N c •274 The B A T C H E L O R. 7o Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. SI R, I A M reduced to the cruel neceffity of addrcfllng inyielf to you, Mr. Wagftaffe, on a moll: impor- tant fuhj:-£t, as the Conuivitee of the Free-prefs have deferted the caufe of liberty and their country, itnd inftead of fcourgin^ran arbitrary Vice-Roy, and his venal dependents, frighten the tender-hearted la- dies into fits by their tremendous rod. LallTuefday, a Cabinet Council was held um!er a pretence of ilTuin^a proclamation obliging all (l.ips f.omRuflia to perform quaraniine, but the true intent oi that ca- bal was to ftrike at the 'very •vitals of our conjiitution by a dire£l attack on the freedom of — Speech ! The cruel and tyranical Sancho, not content with fapping the foundation of liberty by his two odious boards of Excife and Accounts, has deviled a fcheme to render parliaments ufelefs ; and to luin and impove- rifli this unfoitunate country, without either a uni- on or land tax. — Yes, Mr Wagilaffe, with tears I inform you, that a fpecial meffenger is difpatced for the Dfilecarlian peajunt ; thofe two public defaul- ters, Mr. CI nts and Sir H y C — vd — ft, notwilhilanding the etnptinefs of the treafury, have found means to furnifn io,oool. to bribe the North- ern Goth to import a large quantity of his benumb- ing herb agaii.ll: the opening of the next fellion. The houfe will be furrou;idcd with foldiers as it was the 26th of February 1770, and Sawney Cunlgambo the S/thlan, has already received a commillion, un- der the preat Leal, commanding and authorizing him to rub the mouth of every patriot, the moment he fays A diirefpeaful wcid of adminiitiation — Me- thinks, The B A T C II E L O R. 275 thinks, I now fee our generous patriots tbuggling ia the hands of a raw-boned Scot, aiid making as ma- ny wry faces, as poor Gulliver in Biobdignag, when he was crammed by the Monkey. To prevent all oppofiiion, Sir Richrd Johnfton, who has figna- lized himfelf by fupprelling thofe fons of fieedom, the Hearts of Steel, is to attend at the bar of the houfe with a chofen party of light infantry to affifl: Cunigambo on the leaft lefil^ance. Let me peifuade you, my deareft coimtrymen, at this critical juncture, to form a fpirlted affociaiioa to preferve us from flavery and opprcjhon. To roufe your flumbering virtue, 1 (hall paint to your imaginations foiue of our moft celebiaied patriots actually fuffering under the facrllegious han J;; of the barbarous Scot -^ — het us tlen fuopofe Ai.. /" d addrcHlng the houfe in thi- fublime llr 't of elo- quence, '* / "luiU difpel e'very fljade of darknefs hy "• an inundation of light. The namelefi vermin tnat " court funfhine quickens in the flime of 'veralily •' (hall t'.embie. They will foon find that tiie fune " influence, which produced, will deftroy them ; " when the moiilure of that dirt in which they " crawl, ia a iitt'e farther exhaled, they find it *' ftiffenirg about them: They will firft be depriv- **- ed of motion, then of life, ^nd the next gale will " fweep theui away with the dull in whicn they ♦' perli'hed." \_Fide Irijh pnrliaJtientary. debates, vol. iH- p- 35 ] Here, Sir, he wil' beinterrnpted, (and on the At- torney General's giving a lignal) deiiverea over to the- hands of the executioner. — See the fatal herb rub- bed on his lip — he tremUles" — turns paJe — ^ahio '. r ■KilVei.ny C.m(.llhe;ei is dui-:'^-— Yet ^iH 'v.- h^uvliUV ar-kl ui\;nii.c'-:. liuifjii (;£ , ;v 276 The B ATCHELOR. jng faces at them., for lie is yet mafter of that figure ot rhetoric, and like the taylor's wife on the duck- ing ftooll, is fatirical by his geflures, thou;:;h depriv- ed of the power of fpeech. — In agonies of defpair I fee him gently carried out of the houfe, by his two faithful friends, the M fs "of K e and Mr. H y. , Obferve that veteran patriot, J — n F — tz ns, interrupted in the midlt of his harangue, whilfl; he thus expatiates on the grievances of his countiy. '* Here, Sir, I have made it evident, that if tliere " fliould be an excelllve drain of our current fpe- *' cie, there will be a fcarcity of cafh — add now, "■ Sir, if there is a fcarcity of gold — this in its <' confequence will occafion a fcarcity of filver — " and if this fhould happen — there will be an " interruption of trade. — Now, Sir, — by an inter- " ruplion of trade — the circulation of cafh will be" " checked. — And here. Sir, — the manufailurer *' and tradefiiian will be difttefTcd — becaufe it will " be impolhble to find , employment for thein, if *' there is no demand for manufadures. — And no " money 10 purchafe them — there can be none *' fold. — Herc> Sir, we are at prefent reduced to " this fituation by the oppreihve and unconllituiio- •* nal meafures of government." — But alas ! Old Tifdalowitz gives the latal figr.al — the poyfon is applied — and Father John is conveyed off, crojjing himfelf, in the arms of Meffrs. R — w y and LeH te. Whilft Sir L s O'B — n is pointing his faceti- ous farcafms at the court, his lips will be clofed. — ■ Some venal placemen recommend a good underflund- ing ttiween G.eat Biliain and I.e!and, which the ^>ilty baronet will aarvver in tbefe word.— " Sir, I am The B ATC HEL OR. 277 ** am furprized, to hear that honourable gentleman " recommend a good under Jinndifig between the *' two ki;igdoms — Sir, I fay there is no foundati- *' on for a good under-fJanding between them — *' for, fir, the fea is Letiveen them. He, he, he, — " and therefore there cannot be a good iinder-jland- " /;?_g between them. He, he, he."* The po- litical conjuror waves his wand, Cunigambo ap- proaches. Perhaps C — nf — r S — tt may move for an arreft of judgment, by fhewlng the innocency and milkinefs of the baronet's fatire : — But Black Phil, is inexoiab'e ; and this remnant of Irifh royalty 13 carried off" (fimpering at his own joke) in the arms of iVIeir. O'H a and F tzg d. Again, Mr. WagftatFe, let us contemplate little Will. B — gh, acquainting the houfe in a fpirited ha- rangue, " That after infinite pains and labour, he " had difcovered that the identical Oliver Plunket, *' Prelbiterian teacher, and one of the Committee " of the Free-Prefs, was lineally defcended from •' the executioner who beheaded that tyrant Char- " les the Ift. and therefore, as a reward for that " fuhjiantial a£l of jujlice, performed by Plunket's " glorious anceflor, he moved the houfe that they " might addrefs his Excellency to create him&Bi- " fhop, as foon as the rev. Mr. Carr, their chaplain, " was provided for." — Inftantly the wand is waved, — Cunigambo approaches cautioufly, — Sir Richard marches from the bar with his myrmidons, and, after a defpeiate refiftance, little Will, fubmits to his fate, and is carried off by Mr. C — m — r and B y M— X— 11. • This was the Knight of Clare's wit, at the Lord-May- or's table, when the toalt was — a good underflanding between G. Britain and Ireland. Eut 278 The B A T C H E L O R. But let us, with the deepefl affli£tion, reflect on the cruel treatment Mr. P — nf — by receives, even when he apologizes for the arbitrary conduft of the Vice- roy. •' For my part, fir, and upon my honour, an " aflertion, fir, which Is facred to me, and which " I never forfeited on any occafion, I have the " greateft perlunal eflecm for his Excellency the *' Lord Lieutenant. — Sir, I am not prejudiced againft ** government — I am always inclined to ferve it — " nothing but the good of my country could make *' me oppofe his Majell:y's meafures — to whom I •' and my family confefs their obligntions. Sir, *' though the Lord Lieutenant has come from a *' country which produced a race of tyrants, for, ** as I am informed, William the Conqueror came *' from Norfolk, yet I am perfuaded he never meant *' to prejudice this country. I have heard, and up- *' on my honour I believe it, that he kept as good *' a pack of fox-hcirnds as any in England, and *' always rode fair — excellent quali.fications for a po- *' litician ! — I fpeak from experience, fir, and with- *' out partiality or afFcction. Though I have been dif- *' miffed from my employments for my fincerity and *• plain dealing, yet 1 lolemnly acquit Lord T nd ♦* of all aft or part therein ; however, fir, the np- ** probation of my confcience is a better rev. ard *' than place, title, or penfion, which I am tlcter- " mined never to accept of. I always atted with the *' grtf.teu. cecononiy and integrity, and made the ho- '* neft management and encreafe of the revenue my *' principal lludy. — As Speaker, my impartiality in " the chair, efpecially in all contcfted eledions, is '* fo notorious, that I appeal to that right hon, *' fervant of the crown, Mr. Attorney Gcncia! ; let " him (late my conduct on the Ardee eleftioiv, ?nd ♦' that Ci the county o. Gilv.'a)." — ■- — •.A1.^^ fu • 'Ihe B A T C H E L O R. 279 in fiead of ananfwer, the ftate inquifitor rifes, de- livers /jm over to the fecular arm, and honeft Jack p_nr_y is carried off by Mr. B ch and Mr. T — n — m. The faculties of that confumate orator and fteady patiot fir E d N m, may be tor- pedoed by th!S wicked weed, before he has half delivered the following abftrad of his fenrinier.ts. «* The time, fir, is now come, when it is the duty *♦ ul every man to fpeah out for the public ; corrup- *' tion and venility have pervaded evciy part of the ♦' conftitution, and it has at laR reached even to the '• membeis of this auguil affembly. How difFeient, *' fir, is this affembiy now, from what it was in the ♦' time when my friend and adniirer Mr. P- — y *' governed it, or from the parliament men of antient *' Rome and Greece, when the tyrant Brennus ** trembled at their inexorable countenances giving *' judgment in the forum, when they expeded to ♦* have their throats cut by the invading tjrants of «* their liberty, and their facied aras and deareft " focufefs. 'Tis not his facred majefty we are to *' blame for it, but his wicked repiefentative. That *' reprefentative, fir, if he ha.s but the king's com- " mands, and the law of his fide, will conrtitutea «* Board of more CommiiTioners than ever we •• thought of, if the members of this Houfe won't «< do the public bufmefs v/ithout it : For does it not «« appear, that he dares to do any thing .'' Has he " not dared to turn me out of my office, though . ** I purchafed it with money which was moic dear *' to me as a patriot, becaufe 1 had no right to it ? " I will venture to fay, fir, that he is more degene- " rate and dangerous to Ireland, than ilxtfoiiyfve " Spartan tyrants v/e read of in antient hiltory. Be- " fore I loft rry place, no man could t;II what I *' iii.ivat 28o The B A T C n E L O R. " meant by oppofing government ; but how could it " be doubteii, that i meant to have my office giv- " en to another, when I fo loudly and repeatedly *' laid in full p 1, it was a paltry office, that I *' did not vvilue it of the dirt under my feet, and that " I dclied the crown to deprive me of it. Suppof- " ing, fir, that I afked, before 1 fpokc, all my ac- " quointance who I thought were in the fccrets of " the caClle, whether if I oppofed ftrongly, L — d *' T d would get a body turned out for it ; did •' 1 not (hew the circunifpedion of an o'^ior, " without which, that old Roman, Plutarch, fays, " that an orator is no more than figs upon a trench'-* " er, or my breech in a band box. But, fir, though " the crown has loft a revenue officer, the public *' and my friends at Kiimainham, fhall not lofe an ♦', aftive and intrepid juftice of peace. I am ftill " ready to ride at the head of the troop?, if the mob " throw down the walls of the governor's fields at " thehofpital, and General Dilkes may again fleep " in peace, and without fear from the danger. If " Jack the Batchelor was not dead, I'd offer to go " againft him, and dellroy that finuggler, as Pompey ♦' did the pirates. If 1 am fent for to the North, " I'll head the forces under Col. Patterfon, as I once •' offered to coiiiiuand the corps of Drogheda on ♦* that defperate fervice ; 1 will write another epi- " gram with notes more pungent than the- former, " againft Mr. S — n. Col. F — r, and Capt. j — ph- " — n. I will publifh it again in the Hibernian ♦' Journal, and if what I fay againft them is not be- •« lieved by the reader, I will make oath before iny- " felf, of the truth, as I did once of my having Vam *' in my hand, when fonie incredulous ladies feeni- " ed to doubt my veracity. Tbefe, fir, are my «< merits, and my reward is greater than my fufter- " ires J for every traveller on the road to Munftcr, The B A T C HELOR. 2S1 *' fhall read my name in conjuntElton with that glo- *' rious word liberty at Kihnainham ; my health fhali " be the laft that Ihall be drunk within fight of " our flourifhing metropolis, and every perfon who *' rides from the new road to the Phoenix, (hall fee •' the face of N m, not afliamed to fhev/ itfelf " on thofe fymbois of patriotifm, the fign-polls. " I (hall be remembered as a patriot, when the fcrib- *' lers of the Batchelor, are gone to the jails which ** are now gaping for them, and to which I fhall " be always ready to conduct and comniit them." — ■ The noble frenzy beginning to blaze to a height that might be fatal to tyranny ; — the old Magus Cghs to have this Curtius of popularity ftruckdumb, and when the weed touches his lips, Mr. Jofcph D — e, and Sir William M e, bear him off, ilill ftrugling in the convulfions of liberty, I fhall conclude, Mr. Wagftaffe, with a ferious addrefs to my countrymen, to reflect coolly on the calamities which threaten this devoted nation Let the fcattered and patriotic membeis afTemble — let them appoint deputies to fupplicate his majefty, and deprecate the vengeance of the inccnfed Sancho. Though they may be lidiculed by court fcriblers, and though boys may be hired to follow them in the ftreets with potatoes fixed on the end of flicks; though they fhouW be called the potatoe ambafTadors, * (as they once were on a fimiliar occafion) yet let tLera perfevere, and cry uut. M'''ekot7ie, for thee, fair Virtue, all the pafl / For thee., fair Virtue, ivelconie e/ly, to anfer thefe falutary purpofes, I make no doubt but the M. ofK re, and the reft of the public fpirited committee, would advance the lafge fum in their hands, for erecting a monument to the great patriot Doftor Lucas, which may be replaced at a more convenient opportunity. There can be no rea- fonable objedlion urged againft th-3, for the Romans were permitted to expend ihsfacred treafures depo- fitcd in the Capitol, on an invafion of the Gauls ;— • and thus, Mr. WagftafFe, by imitating that noble precedent, " The phoenix of freedom may arlfe, frora *^ the aflies of the Doctor, to animate my degene- ♦* rate countrymen." — [VicUyan addrejs of thanks to th^ freeholders of Ennifcorthy.'\ I am fir, yours, Y. Z. NUMBER XLIX. * RESi^ECT for the genius of RonfTeau, and veneration for his character, firll led me to feek his acquaintance, and to cultivate his friend- fiiip : we met like men whofe fouls had fomething * This was wiiiten in the charafler of David Hume, in an- fwer to a letter %ned Jean Jacques Rouileau, v.'hicli appeared ja the Freetn&n. conjenial The B A T C H E L O R. 283 congenial, and a name in the republic of ieiters abridged the forms of introdu'iion, and ferved as a link to that kind of intercourfe which fubfifts be- tween men, unincumbered by the clogs of the world, and the flavifh (hackles of intereft and felfifhnefs. We had called ourfelves Philofophers, and as fuch we were received by thofe, who did not give them- felves the trouble of examining into the nght by which we became our own fponfors Tn return for this complaifance, I thought niyfelf bound to con- form to the world, where it did not interfere with my happinefs, or require a facrifice of my principles ; and when I failed to reform abufes, or to redify errors, I fat down contented with the endeavour, and wifned more (kill, and better fuccefs to my fellow labourers in the fame undertaking. The citizen of Geneva I foon found was of a very di(Fe- rent complexion : an ardeni thirft for pre-eminence in fcserice ; a prurient vanity, difguifed under the affedlation of much fnnplicity and plainefs ; an under- ftanding too fubtle to be convinced ; and a temper too irritable to be at peace, made him jealous, difcontented, and uncomfortable. The intimacy which enfued between us, left me no room to doubt that he (hunned fociety, not fo m.uch to indulge contem.plation, as to efcape a fcrutiny, which would reduce him to the level of that herd from which he had retired, Hcteroclite opinions, and the fingularity of feftaries, were furs of his countenance ; his v/as a perfecuti- on of eftablifnments, and to fnake the foundation of fy items, confirmed by comp'ft and prefcription, was bis principle purfuit, his favourite plealure, and his ultimate ambition. A retrofpeft to the caufe of his alienation from me, (which became afterwards a fub- je£i for the tables, and the news-papers of London,) gives me no uneaunefs. Though his mifantrophy rudely 284 The B A T C H E L O R. rudely turned back the ftreain of my benevolence on the fource from whence it firft proceeded, yet it has ftill enough of vigour remaining to flow towards him in the fame gentle and temperate current j and if he will not ufe its waters to wafh away the ftains of prejudice, let them ferve as a mirror, where he may contemplate the incongruity of philofophy with fadtion ; and of profelllons of good will to mankind in general ; with rancorous inveftives againll inno- cent, and refped.ible individuals. " The hiftory," he fays, " of the Englilli nation,. " firft induced him to feek a refuge among the fons " of freedom, as he thought them ; and iny mif- *' leprej'entations contributed to the captiz'ating er- " >o/-." — That is, I have in my hiftory reprefented the people of England as a free people — my pages contain all the information I could colleiJt on that important fubjedt, and my idea? of the Britifli con- ftition arife from the fum of that information. So far then, as I have endeavoured to explain 10 my countrym.en their right to liberty, I am certainly a friend to freedom. " Yet Hume," he fays, ♦* is the " miflionary of corruption, and applauds the political *' ethicks which himfelf infpired." — The very re- verfe of his premifes will lead to his conclufion. Had he gathered from my writings that Britain had no juft claim to freedom, that every circumfcription of monarchy was an innovation, every extenfion of the fuhje£ts privileges, an encroachment on the royal prerogative, well might this friend to the natu- ral rights of mankind, have called the ailjitrary hiftorian a nu'lTionary of corruption. What does the mifanthrope mean ? Js it that my converfation and exaraple are pernicious, and have a more extenfive influence than my litterary labours? Tlie fuppofitiou is The B A T C H E L O R. 285 isabfcrd; and yet without this abrutdity, I know not how to coliefc a propofition trom his inconfii\enC rhapfody. Let me now confider his argument on a rubje<5l Co ofttn cifcuiTed in the parliament of Ireland, and in the fugitive publications of' that country. It is im- mediately palpable from what political Mentor, the Philosopher of the Alps, has imbibed his doc- trines of the jiilh conftitution. The fcntiments in his letter are an abftrafl of that fenators tenets, whofe capacity and perfeverance h^ive raifed him tar above his competitors in the ftriie of oppofiuon. That orator has often perplexed the wife, and aftonifned the ignorant, with fine-fpun fophiftries on this his favour'te lopic ; and it is not the meaneft of his tri- umphs, that his rhetoric has roufed the harraiTed Rouffeau again to buckle on his armour, and enter the lifts of controvcrfy in the caufe of error. It ftiall be my endeavour to (hew him he is deluded by a phantom j and it will be his duty to thank me for the vlifcovery. In reafoning on all conflitutlonal qut ftions, we ought to confidei v/hat the conRitution and the laws are ; rot what we lu'tflj them to be, or wliat we think they 'yug' t to be ; otherwife, we fubft tute fpeculati- on or reality, and the leveriesof every vifionary re- former, ibr the fubflanriil fds v/hich hold nations in obedi<.nce to leg'fiiitive authoiity, fmce by that coercion the great end of ail civil inftitutions is pro- moted, and the frame of government preltrved in harmony and good order. He alFcrts that the coinnions of Ireland, only have a right to propound and model bills of fupplv ; that the crown of England has snly ^ vcgati-e on fuch bills, and that it has no po^er to ahtr them. As a friend 286 The B A T C H E L O R. friend to the immunities of a generous and loyal people, I am forry to inform him that many laws niufl be abrogated, and many, precedents fwept from our remembrance, before any one of his aflertions will bear the teft of an examination. Let him look to the ftutute of Poyning's, by which 'tis provided, that nj parliament (hall be fummoned in Ireland, till the articles of the a(^s propofed to be pafled therein, are firfl certified by the governor aiul council, under the great fea! ol" Ireland. n this there is no excep- tion of money-bills. — Let him turn to the fourth of Phiiip and Marv, which to prevent the inconvenience of frequent d'ff 'utions. (and for that purpofe chiefly) provides, that bills in the ufual form may be certified to En<»land, during the feiTions of pniliament In this there is no exception of money bills. — Let him confider the money bills which have been brought from the governor and council into the houfe of commons, and there pafled — Let him furvey the nione^ bills which have been altered in England, and pafled with fuch alterations by the parliament of Ireland — When he has done this let him recommend to the friends of indepemknce, not to deny the exi- ftenceoffuch laws aixl precedents; but, ifpoflible, to annihilate them : nor tc chaige a temperate, and public-fpir-ted adminiftration, with attempts to vio- late the conftltution, when tluy themfelvcs are in faa, the only innovators. He alks, " What fupport " or exiftence hiS the inelliuiable privilege of the »' commons, that of being their own tax-mailers, if a " rival and deftruv*;ive power be vefted in the crown «' of Great-Britain ?" J anfwer, that the crown does not exercife the power, nor pretend to the power of taxing you ; that your bills of fupply don't become laws till the commons have approved and pafled them : and that the modelling (as he calls it) an Irifli The B ATCHELOR. 287 Irifli money bill in England, is no more than pro- pofing to your ccnliJer ition, for an uncompelled acceptance, one mo 'e of taking commoc'ities im- ported into your kingdom, whii.h England tn.inks pffuable to that you h;ive offered lor her appio- bation. Si far I have efa-^iiied nnd expofeil his injuftice and ini^r^tiru '-' t ■ '}-■!'. Hu.nc, and kis igp' ranee or perv-j'fion J- 'he conllinition of ireiand h isnow time to try, v/hethei he 'S iiore candid or berter in- fo:::ieJ in h s fentinenrs of the two military gentle- men, who aeinfmu'cos, " Are hire-' to the tufk of *' wouiwiing wjtti tncir pens, fhat conftituciun they are *' paid for cIcfenMiig^ vitii the.- fwords ' A late pub- licH on in the' Batchclor whtc'' he fuppofes to be a joint labour, (thuugh T am weil mroni.ed of the con- trary) is, he tiiinks, afaificient juftification for his con- temptuous adniOi-'fi' u to both tne writers, and ^or his malicious arcufatior nga.nftone o' thorn ' have carefully peruf-d that p^p r. and am bold to affirm, that lb far as it goes in regaid to the iate fvioney-Bill, the pofitionsare fair, fenfible, and conilitut'onal. For the fake oi 1 tters, I uiuft hope, that the author, (let h's profelTion be what it may) will of.en employ his leifure and his talents on fubje^-'s which hf^ feems fo well qualified to handle j let him not abufe the [>,ifts of nature, and the advant^^es of ecucation, by mixing in fcenes o. idl.nefs, difliratioii and vanity : though his fiudies (hould prove off;iifive to the pretended champions of liberty, and though the philofophic Roufll-au Ik-ps into the loofe robe of Petronius, and recommends, inftead of them, the exercifes of the dance, and the allurements of the theatre. His ma- lice is of a deeper dye, when he addrefTcs himfelf to the other gentleman: yet though there be much ve- nom, there is little vigour in the (haft he has aimed at 2S3 The B A T C H E L O R. at him. Bafely and unjudly to revile tJie man to whole family he belongs, and to whofe favour he is obliged, would be sbfurd and immoral. 1 know from good authority, the charge is utterly falfe and groundlefs, Suppofiiig it had even the colour of truth ; how can Roufleau be juditied for making it public ? It Ihikes at the fortune, not at the arguments of his imaginary antagonift. If this kin to Hermes enrertainsan ill opi- nion of his patron, that opinion muft have been com- uiuriicated in the freedom of intimacy, and under the fecuiity of confidence. It muft have been uttered to \.h.Q friend, not to the puhlijher. He knows no friend vile enough to betray fuch a fecret. He knows no gentleman wicked enough to inn)eni fuch a calumny. As his duty prompted, and his capacity enabled him, he has more than once vindicated the honour of his patron, from the (hamelcfs defamations of a licenti- ous prefs ; nor can that noble pcrfon one mouient admit the teftimony of a libel (er againft the integrity of his advocate, without giving weight at the time, to the fame fort offpurious evidence, againft his own infiilied virtues The Chiel Governoi knows why the names ot thcfe gentlemen are become the fport of every news paper, and the prey of every anonymous niungril. It may raife, but it cannot hurt them in his eftimation. I-: is, becaufe, they do not look on, and tamely fee his name reviled, his conduti mifreprefent- ed, and his govermacnt rendered odious. It is becaufe they can diftinguifh between pretence and principle. Itis becaufe they have fometimes wrefted the dagger from the hand of the lurki ig afT ftin, and turned the point againft the magnifico who fuborned him. It is in (hort, becaufe, they have done that in the caufeof iufl-ice, public virtue, and private friendlhip, " quod *' qnijque fuos in tali re facere 'VoltiiJJet. Z January gth I J-/ 2. DAVID HUME. N U M- The BAT CHE LOR. 289 NUMBER L. To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. SIR, IT gave me the greateft pleafure to find, from an intimation in a late Batchelor, that we are to have a cefTation of party hoftilities, at leaft for fonie time, on the fide of your correfpondents ; and that you will again oblige the public with iuch Specu- lations as formerly, when you paper was not en- groffed by a few hands, for the purpofe of vindicatinp- government, or expofing oppofition. As a friend to letters in general, I have feeii with concern the powers of reafon, rhetoric, and fancy, employed on local and temporary topics, which can fcarce hope to furvive the fhort duration of the day that gives them birlh : Wit and genius exercifed on fuch peiiflipble fubjefls, are ir.ifplaced and thrown away, no lefs than elegant ornaments, and exquifite chifel- work would be on the fliaft of a fky-rocket, or the rattle of an ir.ffmt. Though we admire the neat hand of the artill, and the finenefs of his tools, we mufl: furely pity his want of judgment, ia fo grofs a mifapplication of his ikill and induftry. I will not go fo for, as to aflert that party- writing never was, nor ever can be eflentialljr neceffary in any caufe, or at any conjunfturc. In anfwer to fo bold a paradox, I fliould be told, no doubt, that many adroiniftrations have been fup- O ported, 2^)0 The B A T CH E L O R. ported, or overturned, by the dexterous manage- ment of that engine only : the great name of Swift and St. John v;oiud be produced againft me, and I fliould hear that Mr. Pultney became popular and ■jjovverful, not more by bis knowledge of bufinefs, and his eloquence in the fenate, than by his pam- phlets, and periodical papers. I i"hould be referred to the report from the Secret CoMMn te, in the time of Sir Robert, for the great fums given out of the public treafiiry by that wife minilter, to aniarate the genius, and reward the zeal of his literary coad- jutors. The North-Briton, perhaps, might bring up the rear of this formidable body of autho- rities; and it would be urged, that a few flieets of that libel, though utterly defpicable in point of compoHtion, and only formidable for its bold accu- fations, and virulent perfonality, fhook the helm from the hands of the King's favourite minifter, when neither his own inexperience, nor the jealous cabals of all the difcontented nobility of England, could iniiniidate him. The following Ihort anfwer, formed on an anticipation of my antagonift's faga- city, will, I hope, ferve to difcngage me from one point of a controverfy, into which I had no thoughts of entering. When I advance fo fingular a noti- on, as that Party-writing is not an inllrument of great confcquence in a free ftate ; I mean not to extend it to other times, and to other countries, but to confine it to the country, and the times we live in. Its effeas in England have been prodigious, and there they muft ever be fo. Nay, it cannot be denied, that the whole armoury of oppofition con- tains not a weapon cf fuch various ufe, and fo eafi- ly managed. In flcllful hands, it becomes at once a dag'^er, and a llueld j it infli£ls tha wounds, and covers the aflailant; and even the raoft errant bungler The BAT CHE LOR. 291 bungler may employ it, as the footpad does his un- loaded piftol, to bruife and terrify: but thefe pro- perties vanifli when government pretends to wield it. Let me not be underftood to mean any difrefptdt to the perfon of our prefent Chief Governor, of any contempt of thofe talents which it is fuppofed his patronage has called out to public obfervation. This country is indebted to him for feveral excellent laws and regulations ; his difintereftednefs is above the breath of impeachment, and his fine endov/- ments are univerfally acknowledged. Let it alfo be one part of his praife, that he has flievvn difcern- ment in the choice of his inftruments, though the principle, which led him to think they might be ufeful for any purpofe of the flate, is erroneous' He has had the art of attaching men of parts and eru- dition to his interefts ; he has dlftinguiflicd the fruit- ful ability, from the barren promptnefs to treat every political fubjeft; encouraging the one, and- rejefting the other. If the ineafures of an IriHi adminiftration could derive any advantage from the zealous ingenri-y of its literary advocates, many of the effays in your paper, deferve to be preferved as models for that fpecies of compofition. But pJ'ay, fir, what end has been attained by all this wafte of genius, by this " great effiifion of Chrifiian ink ?'* He knows what purpofe they have anfwered, let him declare it. — It may be faid, that the daily pa- pers are " the brief abjlrad, and chronicle of the " limes -y and it 'were better haie a bad epitnph '* after death y than their ill reproach ixjhile li-jingP From thence the lower orders of the people form their notions of men and meafurcs ; without fuch cheap and expeditious vehicles of intelligence, the fober citizen, who remains nailed to his counter, and the ruftic, who feldom roves beyond the pre- O 2 cinds 292 The B A T C II E 1. O R. cinfts of the chafe, would never know to what DTime he ought to offer the libation of a bumper, or for what decifion in the fcnate he fliould burn his furxe-buili. But let me add, that if confufion to the Vice-Roy was tacked to every city toaft, and his effigies was the fuel for every bonfire, the go- vernor would not be deluged by the one, nor con- fumed by the other. Allow me now, fir, to afk a few iliort queflions. Do the periodical papers of Dublin, make part of the ftudies of his Majeity or his minifters? Does the King withdraw his countenance from his reprefenta- tive, becaufe the Freeman's Journal defcribes him as an unworthy objeft of it ? Or does the firft Lord of the Treafury forward his arrangments with more expedition, becaufe the Mercury proves them to be confHtutional arwi neccflary? No, fir; it is more than prob^tble, that neither one or the other ever reached the clofet or the cabinet. — Do well-' ftatcd fa£ls, folid arguments, pointed fatire, ele- gant panygerick, harmonious verfes, and fine turn- ed periods, thin the votaries of fadlion, and brin^j daily profelytos to the flirineof government ? Alas I fir, in flich times as thefe, more political transfor- liiations have been wrought by that magic Talifman, the broad feal, dangling at the bottom of parch- ment, than by all the enchantment of the mufes; and the black lifts will convince you, that there is more perfuafion in a King's Letter, than in the moft eloquent addrefs that ever was pen'd to the reafon and the paffions. You, Mr. Wagftaffe, who have fome intereft in this queftion, will roufe, perhaps, and defire me to look back to the hiilory of former Lord Lieutemnts : You will tell me that the Duke of Bedford had both power aud inclination", to promote every The BATCHELOR. 293 every fcheme for the advantage of this country. You will fay, he might have flood his ground againil the intrigues of a few crafty politicians in the houfe of commons, had they not called in the prefs to their aififtance. That the bafeft calumnies were in- vented, and by this means circulated againft him ; and having no friends to raife the mounds of conlra- diftion, or to turn back the foul ftream on the fources from whence it proceeded, he was at laft overwhelmed by a torrent of unoppofed fcurrility. You will not fuffer me to overlook the example of Lord Hertford : the iliort refidence of that noble- man, was not diftinguiihed by any event to draw upon him the curfe of unpopularity; yet, with powerful connexions in England, Vv'ith a fteady ma- jority in the IriiTi parliament, he returned to ths royal prefence, bleeding all over from the porcupine quilJs of Grub-ftreet ; which had excited even the- uninterefted to deteft him, and the rabble to infult him by the groffelT; indignities, even when under the protection of guarded ftreets, an attending fqua- dron, and all the formalities of a pompous pro- ceffion. His lordfhip, you will fay, v/as fo fenfible that a guard of authors was as neceflary as a guard of foldiers, that he bought off, by a confiderable penfion on the eftablilliment, one obfcure and im- potent libeller;* and his only champion, Dr. B — rr — ws, would not have been requited with a fcanty pittance of a few private bounties, had not his infamous private character, and his mean abiiides, made him an obje All Grubftreet was in arms ; Thus, Howard's genius, fo well known. Each heavy dunce alarms. Your wit has often fet them mad. They can't ic's (ling endure. Your riches too have made them fad, — Becaufe the rogues are poor. *- This elegant complimentary addrefs to Mr. H. was ocMfi - oned % the following dull aad m&lidous epigram. To poets of t,enius 'twas always a. curfe, To find that iheir wit only lightened tneir purfe. But I! — v.- — rd is happy in his fcribbling itch For as he writes nonienfe, he therefore is rich! Then Gorgy write on, dill laugh inyour favc. Your printers alone, v/ill have rcal'on to grieve. Your 300 The B A T C H E L O R. Your praifc extorted from fuch foes, Shall well thy fame exprcfe ; Let fools or beggars envy thofe, Whom fenfe and riches blefs.— — • 5^);^.^>jr?^x^)e(x^>?r)5??K»:):«):(>jf:?{()^,^»f>^)3r>^,^.^>i^.^ NUMBER LIII. For our end We mujl fuggeft the people, in luhnt hatred He ftill hath held them., that to poiuer he ivould Hwve made them mules, filenced their pleaders, and Dijpropertyd their freedoms .• holding them In human adion and capacity. Of no more foul, orftnefs in the nuorld. Than camels in the ivar, ivho have their provender Only for bearing burthens, and fore bloius Tor finking under them. To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. S I R, ' O U have wifely, in my opinion, avoided as nnich as poiTihle, entering into any altercation with the fuppcrters of thofe two contemptible vehi- cles of public fediuon, end private fcandal, ti.e Frt-- man and Hibernian, and indeed have left them in r great mcafure unnoticed. However, I hope you wi. not objc6t to thefe Hw ftridtures on Biutuss letter of the The BATCHELOR, joi the 3d of this month : he there afFefls to give an im- partial ftate of the public account between the Lord Lieutenant and the Nation, confidered as debtor and creditor. To add weight to his reafoning, he copies the example of the Grub-ftreet publifliers of red and hlack lip ; doubtlefs conceiving, that the colours which heretofore doomed fo many members of par- liament to eternal obloquy, or configned them to im- mortal fame, will carry equal conviction to the un- dcrftanding of his credulous readers. This dull, faf- tidious, lying performance, is evidently the child of the puritanic O— 1 — r P — k— t, notwithlknding the^ declarations in the fame paper to the contrary : his malignant levelling fpirit is apparent through the whole ; in denying it he only copies the example of his late coadjutor dotStor Lucas. It is to be prefurned, that this worthy author af- fumes his fignature from the faftious tribune mentioned by Shaktfpear ; a man who brought his country to the brink of deflruQion, by the perfecution of her beft and braveft citizens ; — how unlike that immortal Roman, who, from a confcientions and ardent love of liberty, drev/ his fword againfl: an ufurping tyrant. — 1 am the laft man, Mr. WagftafFe, th?t would prof- titute my pen to palliate, or apologize for the nSiotu of corrupt inngillrates, who plunder or infult my country ; much Icfs of a Viceroy who deferved that charadtcr. On the other hand, I think it the duty of every friend to truth, and the public weal, to op- pofe the turbulence of a reftlefs fadion, to dete£i and expofe the falfehoods, infidioufiy calculated to poifbn th^ minds of the credulous multitude, aad to check the overvv'eaning pride of thofe maleconttnis, who cannot brook that fubordinate rank in the community, which chance or nature his aHlsi-ned them.——— \\ hofcver 302 The BAT CHE LOR. Whoever refle£fe ferioufly on the conduct tnd views of thefe 7nen, will eafily difcein how iniponible it is for the moft prudent and mild go- vernment to enfure the peace and good order of fj- ciety. The malignant, tho' contemptible libels of a Pl-—k — t, may dilgrace the country v.liich was im- mortalized by a Walker ; whiiit thofe popular ruf- fians, Savage and Red:iionc',fhill parade over the very ground, where the illuftrious William marched to our falvalion. Such mltcrcants, as prof cjj fid friends to. the profperity of Ireland, would render every iuduf- trious inhabitant difcontented with his fituation, and. juflify the excefles of the profligate againft the lober and horKjft part of the community, charging govern- ment (as the father of all fin) with the.miiery and depopulation that inevitably foUov/s. As, friends to the conjiitution, they exhort the juries, to judge of the expediency of the law, and the con- dutSt of the leglilature who palfed it, not of the atro- cioufnefs of the crime, or the proof before them ; . and as determined oppoiienls to military government, and augmeiitationsy they excite and cultivate fucli a rebellious fpirit among the common people, as obliges the hnded gentry, and the northern patriolsy to foli- clt the aid of the military, and place themfelves in fad entirely under their proteftion. — Such are the patriotic ccnfjilencivs, and pious labours of Brutus PI — k — t, and his coadjutors, however unfupported, and even condemned by the general fenfe of the na- tion.. Indeed, I cannot recolkft any county, (Meath. excepted) or corporate town, which has adopted his language. Tbc general opinion and voice of this l^ingdom, breathe nothing but a dutiful acknov/ledg- ment of the virtues and firmnels of our truly amiable fcverei^n. The BAT CHE LOR. 305 foverelgn, though he is reprefented in our loyal pa- pers as an ideot, a tyrant^ a Jacobite, and a patron of fodomites. With refpeft to his fubftitute here, I fhould be at a lofs to determine his veal charadter, were it not for thofe public teftimonials he has re- ceived from fo many counties and corporations, which have never been cancelled, as I hear, by any one au- thentic difa vowel, during an unufi^ai refidence of five years. Here might be the proper place to enter into a particular difcuffion with Brutus, both as to his Ex- cellency's public and private chaiaQer ; for I obferve that he is as accurate an arithmetician as SirW— ]| — m M— ne, and keeps a pence table to regifter his cha- rities •. as theje arc of a private nature, and belong- only to the feelings of the heart, I fhall take no no- tice of them. The Lord Lieutenant's attention to our public works, charter fchools, foundling hofpital, &c. is remembered by every thinking man, when the violence and felfiili fpirit of a party had drawn on the prorogation. It v/as a bitter difippointment to a faftion, which hoped to bring every calamity on, their country, to fee themfelves defeated by the kind attention and benevolence of the crown. Let me proceed to ftate Brutus's charges, with ex- plicit anfwers, and then prefent the candid and im- partial reader with a true account of the many exten- five benefits-this country has received in the quinque- liium of Lord Townfliend's adminilliation. Es u T u s's 3D4 The BATCHELOR. Brutus's Charge. Prorogation. To be imputed to Mr. P. and the patriots, who pafTed a ufelefs nnd unconftitutional vote. The par- liaunnt met the following winter, merely to tranfaCt the national bufinefs, in confequence of a decent and dutiful addrefs from the city of Dublin. OppreJJtons of the 'veterans at Kihnainhnm. An abfolute falfehood. The contemptible firing: of lies on this head, can be confuted by the teftimo-r ny of every governor of the hofpitaL Riot Ad. All counties fliould have a Riot A£l, who prefer a legal, to a mob government. Pen/ions to ivhores and pimps. The charge on the civil lift for penfions, is decreaf- ed 6000I. per annum during Lord Townilicnd's admi- niftration ; nor hns he loaded the eftablifliment with' a finale one for any of his blood, or relations. — An unprecedented inftance of difmtereftedntf;. Squandering the public money to purchafe members ef parliament. An abflird f^ilfehood. — If the charge could be proved, why did your patriots drop their long bla- zoned enquiry .? Ohjiruaing The BATCHELOR. 305 ObJlruSling the aS, That the jinlges Jhould hold their employments, quam diu fe bene gejjerint. The nation is obliged to Lord Townfliend for his good intentions : He promoted and recommended this a<5l in the itrongeft manner. — The Prime Serjeant, kft feffions, explained the true principle, ivhyk. claufe was inferted in that bill, which induced the commons to reject it. Li'vings to many ungodly men. Puritanic cant and nonfenfe. Augmentation A6i, The beft military regulation ever adopted.— Pre- rogative reftrained, and the defence and fecurity of the kingdom provided for by the fame means. Breach of the royal promife, ^c. Abfolutely falfe. — The army in this kingdom^ confifts of four regiments of horfe, eight of dra- goons, and twenty-two regiments of foot ', they ali are as complete as poffible, alloixjing for deaths and defertions. Sinking the garter age -Bill. It i-i to be feared that the Lord Lieutenant has not fo much merit on this occafion, as is imputed to him^ —Ireland is the only Proteftant country, which does not encourage able and induftrious ftrangers. The bad policy of this injudicious prevention, is owing to the 3o6 The BATCHEL-OR. the pitiful local jealoufies of the noify and monopo- lizing corporations of a luctiopolis, finking under diilipation and faction. The fpirit of the Ahfentee tax diff^enfedivith. Thi^rateful mtion is indebted to Lord Town- fliend mr the Abfentee-tax ; nor has he exerted his intereft or infiutnce to counteract its beneficial effects. He refufed to recommend Lord Cliief Jullice Clay- ton's requeft to the Kin^, for a nett annuity of loool. —His condud on this, and finiilar applications, is hisr beft eulogiura. Supporting Popery A£ls. No aits have been fupported by government, but fuch as will conciliate the minds of dutiful, peaceable, though unfortunate fubjcfls, at the fame time that they tended to cure that evil which the Freeman fo loudly complained of — a fcarcity of caili. Appointing ufelefs Jur^jeyors. The improvement or decline of the revenue will prove v/hether they are ulllcfs or not. Tre^jenting (or at befit ^'^ot recommending) the re- turn of Crier's and Ho'voard's bill. Another bold lie. — The true caufe of its failure was occafioned bv fome Englilh creditors, who peti- tioned the privy council — and their objedtions were deemed valid. The B A T C H E L O R. 307 Not encouraging trade, hy refuiing at Black Rock. Is his Excellency to live all the {umnier at the Caftle r-^Then why do not our patriots refide in Dublin alfo ? Are not levees held every weekp and is not all the cafli for the maintenance of his houf- hold expended in Dablin ?— Which of our patriots can (2,y with his Excellency, that they themfelves, or their families, have never worn any thing but Irifli manufafture during five years. Difgracing the reprefentp^tive of Majejty, by keep- ing company luith the dijfolut? and abandoned. I mrch fear his Majefty himf-lf will be more dis- graced in the next papers. — Who are theft dilfolut^ and abandoned ? —Is it owing to the charity of the Freeman, that they remain in the ih&de ? By appointing men, fcarcely a degree above idtots^ to feats in the privy council. Are their underftandings inferior to Lord L— th's, LordW ft th's, SirV/— 11— m M— ne's or Mr. P— nl— by's i By appointing men to the office of high fheriffs, ^c. It is notorious that juftice is more iinpartinlly ad- miniftered than ever, by the appomtment ofiheriffs : to maintain a ftrift impartiality in counties, where ftrong divifioas prevail, the flieriffsare frequently no-^ niinated alternately from each party. appoint- 3o8 The B A T C H E L O R. Appointment of the Ji^ue commijjioners of excife. The judicious oeconomical regulations already adopted in the revenue, prove their utility. — In a few years Mr.P — nf — by raifcd the charge of coUeditig the revenue by incidents, ^c. 45,0001. per ann. In a few months the new board have diminiihed them above 7,oool. per annum. Commtfjtoners of accounts. It is a faft, that the Lord Chancellor, and the Barons of the Exchequer, neither did, nor had Icifure to examine the national accounts with accuracy and prccifion. — The faving to the nation, by the efta- bliihment of this board, will be confiderable ; as will moft evidently appear next feflion of parliament. And laflly, by great mifreprejentation of^the vjhole Irijh nation. Where did th» lying author colleCl this ? — It is probable that if his Excellency, after the prorogation, had reprelented the conduft of a violent, difappoint- ed faction, to have been the general fenfe of the king- dom, this parliament had never met again. It is evi- dent from that event, that both the Chief Governor, and the Britiih cabinet, formed a very different idea, nor were they miftaken ; for the fenfe of the parlia- ment, when they met, and the fenfe of the whole na- tion, has proved very different from the language of the Free Prefs, and Prolefting Lords, which are no more than a weak and contemptible imitation cf the feditious language of the contemptible fupporters of the Bill of Rights, at the London Tavern. After The BATCH ELOR. 309 After thus anfweringy I hope in a fatisfaftory man- tier, every charge urged by this defplcable writer, I fliall conclude by recapitulating thofe eflentlal bene- fits which we have received from him. Abolition of Lords Juftices, and of an ariftocratic lyftem, which was a difgrace to a free people. The Odlennial-bill— which has diffufed an Engli/K fpirit of liberty among the freeholders of this king- dom. The Abfentee-tax— which produces 16 or 17 thoufand a year, and faves ten times as much to the nation, by preventing many of our nobility and gen- try from refiding abroad. Actual produce of it — X- '6,000 o o A refident Lord Lieutenant, (per annum) — 16,000 o o The bounty on linen renenued. This, by experimental proof., occa- fions the export of 3,564,381 yards, value — -~ X- 237>625 o An extenfion of the bounty to Iriih printed Linens. Preventing a bounty of three-half- pence a yard on all Manchefter checks, which would have operated as a bounty of 45I. per cent, againft our linen manufadure. F.edu6tion of the ftaff, - - 2737 o o Penfions I'lo The BATCMELOR. Penfions diminiflied, -" - 60000 o e The Privilege Bill, which has dif- ohliged feveral of the Patriots, by fubjedting them to the laws of their country, and compelling them to a£l like honeft men. The Bankrupt Bill, which' will -extend our trade, by eftabliiliing con- fidence and credit among our Mer- chants. The Rum-bill — which will ex- tend to our commerce, and increafe the revenue. 4.0,000 o o A judicious parliamentary augmentation, by which the royal prerogative was rellrained, and a corps of tv/elve thoufand troops provided for the defence and fecurity of the people who pay them. That public fpirited m.eafure, executed with the ftriiSeft oecono- my, produce a faving of 23,3581. 15s. 8d. This was effefted by the Lord Lieutenant's ihno'vnting on the ufual mode of iffliing pay for the intended aug- mentation, as foon as it was voted. By this means, a large non-elfedtive fund became the property of the public, and was applied to the fervice of the flate. The appointment of more Iri fii judges, and Irifh bi/liops, than any of his predecefTors. V E R A X. To The BATCHELOR. 311 To Je OF FRY V/agstaffe, Efq. TH E paffianate and tender fentiments of love, are expreffed with elegance and claffical pu- rity, in the following blft^Sfu! verfes. By inferting them in your Speculations, you will oblige, MusAUS. KISSES. By Paul Jodderel, Efq; "SoLLiciTOR to the late Prince 0/ Wales. AS erft to Damon's facred fhade, Thefe eyes their grateful tribute paid, Of many a tear beguil'd : Sweet Anna faw my tender grief, And in kind pity brought relief; She kils'd me, and I frail'd. Ambition next my bofom warm'd, Adieu Ciich fofttr care : Alarm'd the fair Enchantrefs came One kifs infus'd a gentler fire, I felt the noble heat expire. And curs'd the phantom Fame. 3. Tranfix'd 312 The BATCHELOR. Transfix'dby Envy's poifon'd dart. When late my inly-feft'ring heart, Confum'd in filent pain ; Like wounded Edward's gen'rous Bride, Sweet Ann her balmy lips apply 'd, And drew out all the JHiO^llC:* Strange to relate, the Tygrefs rage. Her gentle kilTes can afTuage, And in foft fetters bind ; Not mufic's powerful charms e'er gain'd. Or calm philofophy attain'd Such empire o'er the mind. Then to fecure my peace and blifs, Sweet Ann in one eternal kifs. Breathe in the all healing balm ; No, ceafe thou fatal fond defire, Ah, treach'rous kilTes you infpire More pafllons than you calm. NUMB- l0 M !^A '. .Mil The B A T C H E L O R. 313 NUMBER LIV. Cum tot fuJlineaSi et tanta negotia folus, HoR. ^;z EPISTLE /^ Gorges Edmond Howard, efq; ijith Notes expla- fiatory, critical, and hijiorical, by George Faulkner, elq; and alderman. The Ninth edition, with material additions, Advertiiement, by the Annotator. CT^Hl S Poem ts jiijHy ranked with the ?ncji cele- -*• hrated Compofitions of Doctor Swift, Pope, Major Pack, Cowley, Prior, Mrs, Pilkington, Parnel, Addifon, and Henry Jones, whofe Works may be had, bound or in Sheets, at my Shop iti Parlia7nent-Jlreet. I have undertaken, at the Re- queft of my Friends, to add Annotations, Remarks, StriJIures, and Obfervations, explanatory, critical, and hijiorical, for the Benefit of Strangers, who might otherwife be ignorant of many Perfons, Things, and Circumfiances, alluded to in the Cor/i- pofition, after the Manner and Form of my Notes on Dr. Jonathan Swift, D. S. P. D. that have not a little contributed to improve, and Ukewife make his Works be underjlood. I Jhould now like- wife ohferve, that it hath already gone thro'' Eight Editions in the City of Dublin, this being the Ninth, and Two in London, vJwre I atn lefs known j but P hy 314 The B A T C H E L O R. by my Journal and the Earl of Chejlerficld which 7nak£th its Circulation much more general^ the Monthly Rcvicxvers for the Month of Augujl 1772, remarking^ " That it is a Piece of excellent Hu- '* mour at the Expence of Mr Faulkner the Print- " ^r," affording the highcjl Entertainment thereat ; whereby they mean Mr. Hozuard the Attorney. Printed by lFillia?n Goldfmith in Pater-Nofier- Row, and 'T. Lewis inRuJJel-fircet, Covcnt-garden. An EPISTLE to Gorges Edmond Howard, efq; (a) f ET F-k-r boaft (b) of rhymes and letters, -g J To praife himfelf, and maul his betters ; For (a) Epijlle to G. E. H]—He hath amafled a con- fiderable fortune by various means, and lived in tolerable repute, as a praiStifing attorney ; till he quarrelled with the author hereof ; who has fuice expofed him in fundry witty paragraphs, pointed epigrams, flinging repartees, facetious verfes, bit- ing epifties, humorous acroftics, fliarp railleries, keen retorts, brilliant quibbles, and anonymous ftanzas. (b) Let Faulkner hoajl, yie religion, he propofed himfelf to his Excellency to write epigrams, to fupport him againft Mr. Flood, Brcwnlow, &c. who were feldom feen at church, which he did with great fpirit and fuccefs. Calling them geefe, ganders, goflings, afles, and other op- probrious fowl and birds, in the Mercury. He v.as fo perfecuted for his witty ;i-llufions, that he found it neceflary to publifn an advertifement in my Jour- Q^ nal, 338 The B A T C H E L O R. nal, April 24, 1770, fwearing thereby on the faith of a ChrilViaii clergyman, that he had no coiicern, 'and never was the author of any produdion in laid paper, and much blaming the printer Hoey, and another gentleman, for difcovering that the letter X in faid paper, was his property, ar.d ihat he was the author of many produdlions therein, which bafu condud on their parts he refentcd fo highly in this impudent indecent manner, proving a Chriftian cler- gyman a liar to the ruin ot his charadter, and the great fcandal of his holy fundion, that it determin- ed him to wrire in the Freeman's Journal without the letter X, and as feldom as poliible to menuon ganders, geefe and goflings. Soon alter he went in- to the North, where he was taken into the conti- dence of a gentleman of great fenfe and fortune, who had near loll his unueiftanding by age and in- firmities, and by the many fpiritual comforts he ad- minillered to him, pretending to be a good Jacobite, and an old Tory, in that condition he prevailed on him to fupprefs all ties of blood and alliance, and bequeath his fortune to a ftranger, inftead of three very delerving daughters and their iffue, who were difinherited. The Doctor's true reafon for this was not to make himfelf neceffary to the heir for the fake of the legacy which was left him, but for the honour of the church, fhev/ing it is neceflary to pay them refpeft in all families, and that though a Chriftian clergyman may be tweaked by the nofe, kicked, cuffed, and buftetted, yet the church fhall abide, and the gates of Hell fhall nol' prevail againft it. He hath the happy art of perfuading old ladies who do not think of their fouls till they are in the other world, to leave legacies in his hands for the poor, which he applieth to the bell purpofes, mak- ing himfelf and family, otherwife poor and diftreffed, in a comfortable way thereby, until he is called up- on in a public manner, to the fcandal of the church, •when he produceth receipts figned after the com- plaints from which his exemplary life and conduft as The B A T C H E L O R. 339 as heretofore mentioned, taketh away all colour. His great genius for poetry, has not only appeared ia his preaching a fermon on the fined text in Exodus, chap, xxxii, v. 23, on Chritlmas day, " I wi.l take " away mine hand and thou fhalt fee my back parts, " but my face Ihall not be feen;" but alfo by writ- ing birth day odes, in the manner of Mr. Vidor, at the moderate price of half a guinea, poetry and ftationary ware included. He hath a peculiar fa- culty for witty epigrams : I have feledted a few as a fpecimen of the Doctor's abilities : What ! fweet Mifs Meredith of Chefter, Efpous'd to Alderman Trecothic ! That llupid cit— but what pofTefs'd her. To chufe an animal fo gothic : Some demon fure her mind milled, To make a choice fo void of reafon ; Elfe what could tempt the girl to wed, A wretch who foon muft fwing for treafon. X. Batchelor Vol . i. Page 62. A goofe in the oven ! no, fir, 'tis a flander. As fome, who difcover'd the faft can declare. For it was not a goo/e, but you a poor gander, (As fools will be peeping) who thruft your head there. ^• Batchelor No. 25, Vol. i. Page 105. The great Dodlor Phlogos has publiilied an order That Counfellor Goflin iliall be our Recorder. A, An Epigram on reading the above. We'er threatned by Phlogcs with an adicn of flander. For calling his fav'rite the fon of a gander. In anfwer to which we fliall plead no excufe But fliew that the Dcftor himfelf is a goofe, <^2 SlJ 3+0 The B A T C H E L O R. 'Till griping H — rt — d broke his heart, (h) Now deals in Hebrew roots profound, And only treads prophetic ground ; Jerus'lcm Artichoke fupplies, Thofe vifions that made Daniel wife. The So he and his goflin as birds of a feather May both, when they pleafe, bring their aftions together. X. Another pUnifhment propofed for the gander. Heigh ho ! that wicked bird produce The gander that defamed the goofe. X. Another Epigram. How fliall we ufe the wicked gander. That goes about retailing flander. Why lince in fcandal he delights Let him read all that Phlogos writes. X. (h) ^ Till griping H—rt'-d broke his heart."] — Some of my moft familiar and intimate critics and geni- ufes is of opinion, that the poet meaneth gripping Hertford, and that it ought therefore to be fpelled with a double p. But I candidly and totally differ from them, and profefcute my own opinion, in main^ taining that it implyeth, that his Excellency the faid Earl of Hertford, was grievoufly afflifted with various diforders of the gripes, brought upon him by windy flatulencies, mortal dry belly-achs, and other pinching ficknefTes of the guts, during the time he prefided over the chief government of this his native country ; and that this was the whole tote of his cafe is notorioufly known to every hu- man creature, man, woman, or children, whether in the Caftle, in the city, or the fuburbs of Dublin. The B A T C H E L O R. 341- The Dodlor proves to all the nation. No myft'rys couch'd in Revelation. 'Till every goffip can explain. What fage divines explore in vain. No juggler ever play'd fuch tricks, As he with John's feven candlefticks. By whofe myfterious lights are fpied, Wicklow's Severi Churches typified. Next maudlin B ke, (i) whofe novels pleafe. Like fome old dotard's reveries,. Without (i) Nexf maudlin B ie, l^c-l — Henry Brooke, Efqj an excellent poet, philofoplier, and patriot. He hath for ibme time retired to his country feat in the Bog of Allen, where he is carrying on great im- provements, in laying the country underwater, and fearching for hidden treafuresin the bottom of lakes, ponds, marfhes, Qoughs, and other navigable rivers. He publifhed a famous Novel, called. The Fool of Quality, which Is fold in feperate volumes, or toge- ther, at my fhop in Parliament-ftreet. There is fo much variety in this piece, that the bell judges agree, 'tis indifferent at v/hat part you begin to read it, being beautifully interfperfed with Itorles of beggars, trouts, foreign birds, and Indian prlnceffes. The Earl of Chefterfield, as a proof of his efteeni for his fine talents, made him a barrack-maiter. He is a true friend to the religion of his country, and hath written many excellent tradts in defence of Popery, and the Proteftant perfuafion. He wrote a ballad opera, called, Jack the Giant Queller, be- ing a fatire upon the Lords Juftices of Ireland, which was accordingly forbid to be reprefented. The excellent tragedy of Guftavus was alfo flop- ped for the fame reafon, by the Lord Chamberlain, 0^3 being 242 The B A T C H E L O R. Without beginning, middle, ending, To utile or duke tending. With equal art, his genius pliant, Can drain a bog, or quell a giant. ^Vhilft one hand wounds each venal brother. He for a bribe extends the other. Your charadler's worth juft fo much. As you afford, and he can touch : With ev'ry virtue he abounds. Who tips the patriot fifty pounds ; Gold works ftrange wonders in his eyes. Makes cowards brave, and dunces wife. Like Svvifs, his hireling mufe engages, On any fide that pays beft wages ; One while ftaunch friend to Martin Luther, (k) He finds pure light and gofpel truth there ; Then being a noble incitement to fedition, in the caufe of liberty. He was at firft the conductor of the Free- Pre!s, which truft he executed with great integrity, taking divers funis of money frcin feveral public officers, to prevent their being fatirized in faid Jour- nal i which he did with great integrity. This Journal is not fo univerfally circulated and admired as mine, becaufe it containeth not fuch a variety of interefting particulars, intelligence from foreign courts, the Tranfit of Venus, high- water at Dub- lin-bar, alfize of bread, failing and return of pack- ets, births, deaths, and marriages ; not to mention curious queries, and ingenious paragraphs. (k) One ivhile Jiaunch friend to Martin Luther. "l—^ A Roman Catholic Clergyman, efteenied a good Preacher. He underftood Italian, French and other languages. He quarrelled with the Pope of Rome about 'Franfubftantiation and other church cere- The B A T C H E L O R. 343 Then thro' the realm makes proclamation, For Popery, Priefts, and Toleration. He firft with many a fair pretence, To public fpirit, truth, and fenfe, Hatch'd that difgrace to law and reafon. That mafs of flander, dulnefs, treafon ; That Journal which the Arch produces, (1) For fingeing fowl, or viler ufes. Q^ 4. How monies. Henry the Vlllth offered him the united Biflicpricks of Clonfert and Kilmacduagh, in the county of Galway, which he politely refufed, and publilhed a virulent libel againft faid King. Said King replied with much wit and humour, for which the Pope prefented him a line Provence Rofe for a Nofegay, and called him Defender of the Faith, and fo forth. — Nicholas Luther, who liveth at the fign of the Mitre and Punch Bowl, in Martin's-lane, is defcended from faid Martin Luther. (1) That 'Journal nvhich the Arch produces.'] The Freeman's Journal is printed at St. Audeon's- Arch, in Old Bridge-ftreet, Dublin, where contra- ry to law, there is no Printer, nor any other perfon who anfwereth queftions, but an old woman who is dumb. The following anecdote happened once to the Printer hereof. A gentleman came to his fliop whom he had put amongft the deaths in his journal the day before, and was much enraged to find him- felf dead, as it occafioned fome confufion by thofe who were in his debt coming to demand what was dr.e to them, whereupon the author hereof adled in this manner. Sir, faid I, 'tis impofiible for me to tell whether you be alive or dead, but I'm fure I gave you a very good character in my Journal. The gentleman was fo pleafed with the repartee, that he laid out thirteen fliillings and four-pence hali- penny before he left my former fliop in Eflei-ftrcet. 34+ The B A T C H E L O R. How chang'd from him whofe noble rage. Brought great Guftavus to the ftagc. And rous'd the Patriot's God-like fire, In {trains which Stanhope might admire ! Now A'letius' fate and his are one, By all he's torn, that's true to none. Macro, with college duft befprent, (m) There mingles to give malice vent. With various tongues thick fet as fame And ev'ry tongue difpos'd to blame. In ftudious Macro may be feen. The copious Polyglot of fpleen : He fearches old and nrcdern lore. To learn to hate his neighbour more j Fond of men's follies and their vices. As beggar of his fores and lice is ; With eyes like fox, and mouth like fhark. That feems lefs form'd to fpeak than bark. Let others while their bowls they quaft, Diftend their lungs with heart-felt laugh} In fhort fhrill fhrieks of fiend- Kke glee. He proves his rifibility. His knowledge, like a treacherous bacon Holds out falfe lights to the miftaken. And when they M'ander from their way. Humanely leads them more aftray. Yet (m) Macro, tvith college duft bejprent.'\ — We have not been able to difcover whom the author in- tendeth to delcribe in thefe verfes : but fome inge- nious friends conjecture that it is fome rev. gentle- man, who underftandeth many languages, and keef eth a play-houfe Miii. The B A T C H E i; O R. 345 Yet Macro, whofe peculiar pride Is to expofe a friend's blind fide. Can to more glaring folly ftoop : Himfelf a bankrupt player's dupe. There bafhful B n once was feen, Miftaking dulnefs for the fpleen ; Who fays, unfays, agrees, difputes, And his own arguments confutes. How eloquent in Ihrugs and fighs ! In uplift hands, and winking eyes ! What fupplication, what contorfions ! His words half form'd, his thoughts abortions! Such wriggling, grafping, pawing, leering. You know not if its praife, or fneering. Such fudden flops, and circumfledlions j Such prefacings, and interjedliions, With " ah, good Heaven," and " oh, my " God, fir J *' I'm wrong, I own, I kifs the rod, fir ; *' There's weight and fenfe in all you utter" ' — Mere prologues to an egg and butter; That did not pudding fleeves declare him. Some antic Scaramouch you'd fwear him. Yet underneath that form uncouth. Dwell learning, piety, and truth ; And no diftortion can they find, Who view him only in his mind. But oh, what power more dull than fleep. Does o'er my torpid fenfes creep ? Does Morpheus fhed his poppies round ? Do frefh-pluck'd cov/flips ftrew the ground ? Do harps iEolian lull my ear ? 346 The B A T C H E L O R. Are drones of Scottifh bagpipes near? Do beetles wind their drowfy horn ? Are gales from fwampy Holland born ? In vain with fnufF my nofe I ply. In vain the power of falts I try, I yawn — 1 nod — for CI — ke is nigh, (k.) Let mifts and fogs inveft my head, Let all the fathers pen'd be read, 1 Bid (k ) / yarvn — / no J — for C I - - ke is nigh ] — The rev. Dr. CI — ke, Vice-Provoil of Trinity-College, Dublin. He hath a very fine tafte for poetry, which plainly appeareth by the fpecimen annexed to this piece, as it was firft publilhed. On a lady's forgetting her riding hat. Written by ths re-v. Dr. Cl ke, ixhi:n Vice-Provoji of Trinity- College. I. Fair Anna had no heart to give, So left her head behind. Bright MiNA on whofe fmiles I live,. Was not by half fo kind. II. Both head and heart Ihe with her brougbt,. And both fhe took away^, And with her carried all (he caught. That's all t hat gaz'd that day. in. Ye nymphs that o'er nine wells prefide, Intlruft the willing fair, To give their hearts, whate'er betide^ And hands when they come here. IV. So when we fee St. John's great eve. The fires that round do move. Shall each inftrufl us to receive A hand and heart that glow with love. The B A T C H E L O R. 347 Bid B nt recite his fpeech, (1) F — ns plead, or Garnet preach ; (m) Set mayor and aldermen before me. Bid everlafting C 11 bore me, Tell o'er again a thrice told tale, Drench me with Port or ropy ale, Be opium mingled with my drink, My hands {han't fold, nor eye-lids wink : But thefe vain boafts avail not now. More ponderous CI ke to thee I bow. When wilt thou eafe the groaning town. Thou old caft troop horfe of the gown ? What haft thou with the world to do. Or what the world to fay to you ? Thou can'ft not now in amorous glee. Write madrigals to fifty -three (n) And (1) Bid B nt recite his fprech-l — The Earl of B 1, Knight of the Bath ; famous for his eloquence and perfonal accomplilliinen's. (in) F ns plead, cr Gai-n?t preach.'] — Coun- fellor John Fitz s — Dodor Garnet, Bifliop of Clogher. He wrote an excellent Paiaplirafe on the Hooic of Job. — The whole edition may be tound at my Ihop in Parliamsnt-ftreet, (n) IVrite madrigals to fifty -ihree.''^ — Various are the conjeftures of the learned on this pafl'age, Mr. Kavanagh is of opinion, that it alludeth unto the political difputes which raged in the year fifty-three ;. in which the Doftor may be fuppofed to have wrote madrigals, to appcafe the minds of the people. My nephew Todd inclineth to believe, that fomething is intended wliich he can't difcover. For my own parr, I opine, that it only referreth to the age of the lady, who had attained her fifty-thiid year. It cer- tainly 348 The B A T C H E L O R. And frifk in rhymes to pleafe the dame. Which Chrillmas bell-man would difclalm. Nor tainly is not very genteel to ridicule this pafiion, which is properly called all-powerful, to fhew that it fpareth neither age nor condition^ ftation nor dig- nity ; not to mention the example of Anacreon, who was choaked with a grape-ftone, di inking the health of his miftrefs, at the age of foiir-fcorc : I am niyfelf this inllant a captive to the charms of a lady who has paffed her grand climaderic, and have addrelTed ma?iy founets to hei", in a ftyle no lefs ten- der than the Doftor's, one of which, the moft ad- mired by my friends, I have feleded, and venture to publilli, as a proof of my pafiion, and a fpecimeii of my poetical endowments. To the Wido'Vi} — , on her taking a 'vomit of Ipe^ cacuanha, ?. Soft reli£t whofe enchanting charms, My captive heart enthrall ; Whofe frown congeals, whofe kindnefs warms, Like honey mix'd with gall. n. Say, when the naufeous draught you take. On Faulkner will you think ; And for thy own dear lover's fake j His health in vomit drink. III. Difcharge, blight maid, the foul contents. That now your ftomach bind ; But oh ! be fure, at all events ; Leave Love and George behind. IV. So when in fieve, well pierced with holes, Where dregs of fire do reft, W^ith fiiaking nought reniains but coals, - To warm the riddler's breaft. The B A T C H E L O R. 349 Nor can'ft thou now in fulfome ftrain. Pen Jacobite addrefs again ; And fcandalizing Alma Mater, (o) Of right divine in monarchs chatter ; Nor can'ft thou on extortion bent, Raife infurreftions and thy rent, (p) Then buzz no more, thou reverend drone. But to thy kindred earth begone. What figure next confounds my fight, An Auftrian Count, an Irifh Khight ! (q) With (0) And fcandalizing Alma Mater. '\ — Mater, as may be found in Littleton's Didionary, is Latin for mother. My nephew Todd is of opinion, that the Doftor mull have had fonie quarrel with his mother: for my own part, how unwilling foever I may be to find fault with my author, I cannot but agree with Mr. Kavanagh, and other ingenious friends, that it were better not to divulge family brangles. (p) Raife ivJurreBions and thy rent,] — This relat- eth to a recent fa£l which pafled about ten years ago in the North of Ireland. The doctor being unwill- ing, (for the benefit of the incumbent who was to hicceed him,) that his living fhould be let at an u.n- der value, infjfted with his parilhioners, who offer- ed him twelve hundred yearly, to be paid fourteen;, which they thinking unreafonable went to law, and reduced it to the fum of 700I. This was the firft beginning of the infurreQion called the Oak-Boys in the North of Ireland. (q) Afi Irijh Knight-] — There are feveral forts of Knights. Knights of Malta, Knights of the Gar- ter, the Bath and Thiftle, Knights of the Poft, poor Knights of Windfor, Baronets and Batchelors, and the Knight of Kerry. The Author hereof was offered to be knighted in the 6eld, by the Earl of Chefterfield 350 The B A T C H E L O R. With doleful phiz prefaging wonder. Much German pride and Irifli blunder ; (r) Which Cheftcrficld in the Caftle : but confidering that faid honour was to be conferred by the pollure of kneel- ing, which is impollible to the Author hereof, by reafon of his member, which he accordingly refut- ed to accept, making divers acknowledgements for declining faid honour. This objedion was near be- ing removed by the ingenuity of my worthy friend a Sixth Clerk, who befides his being a great fcholar and critic, is alfo a moft excellent mechanic, and contrived a leg of cork, with a fpring joint in the knee, and turning out its toes as naturally as one made of flefh and blood, and in this leg I praftifed the pollure of knighthood by genu-flexion, my friend holding a drawn fword over my flioulder, but being too quick at the third rehearfal, in attempt- ing to get up, atter fa'd friend had pronounced the words *' rife up Sir George" I unfortunately fnap- ped the fpring, and fell on my chin to the ground, fo as to be much bruifed, and would have been fore, but for the ufe of a falve, which is fold by niy ne- phew Todd, for bruifes, maims, contufions, dido- cations and other fcratches, in Parliamtnt-fcreet. When the above leg is repaired, I propofe accept- ing the order in it, which I am told his Excellency the Lord Vifcount Townlhend is willing to confer upon me in the fame manner as the Earl of Chef- terfield. (r) Much GermaJt pride and Irijh b}u7ider.'\ — The Germans are fuppofed in general to be a proud peo- ple : Julius Caefar, snd Mr. Nugent, give them this charatter. The Irifli are very unjuftlv charged for a particular talent in blundering ; bat it is well known, that no people exprefs themfelves in their native tongue, the Englifh, v/ith more perfpicuity and precifion. The Dean of St. Patrick's, who the' born The B A T C H E L O R. 351 Which patriots, courtiers, ftill expofes, Miftaking both their wit and nofes. (f ) No brain but his cou'd e'er contain Stories fo vapid, old and vain ; So born and bred in Ireland, always declared himfelf, vi^hen fober, to be an Englilhman. It will nor, I hope, be confidered as prefumption, that I add the authori- ty of my Journal, which is confidered as a ftandard of our language ; whereas I have always confulted the particular property of di£tion, and may be bold to challenge any author now extant, for fuch a va- riety of tra£ts, written in fo unbleniifhed a purity^ without any abbreviation of terminations, and a- bounding in the heft chofen epithets. (f ) Mijiaking both their ivit and no/es."] This hereby referreth to the knights putting the fpeech of one member of parliament into the mouth of another by miftake, which was not fair play ; and likewife alludeth to the old cuftom of formerly reckoning members of parliament in voting, by their nofes j but as this occalioned divers mis- takes, when the tellers, were not fliarp-fighted enough, and could not lee thofe members that had fmall or no nofes, and fometimes reckoned thofe that had large ones for two, it was there- fore aboliilied, and members are now counted by their bodies, which is generally larger, and pre- venteth all confufion. — A particular a(5t of par- liament was made in favour of the nofe, called. The Coventry-a6t, to prevent its being cut off, and other accidents with impunity. — The famous Mr. Quin, the comedian, with whom I was likewife acquainted, advifed a friend who was fubjeft to be pulled by the nofe, to foap it, whereby it might efcape and flip through the fingers, this not being forbid in the Coventry-a<^. 352 The B A T C H E L O R. So Plutarch tells of poifon cold. Which alFes hoof alone can hold. Humour and mirth no more are found. For C II calls a gloom around. Lethargic dullnefs loads each eye, Ev'n dunces pleafe, when C ll's by ! Thus, funfhine, fparks from flint conceals. Which darknefs of the nip^ht reveals. In Pliny's learned page it's found, (s) That lightning cannot fea-calves wound ; (t) Congenial is the dunce's matter. Callous to wit and pointed fatire. Unfatisfy'd with nonfenfe faid. He's now refolv'd to read us dead. With pamphlets naufeating he'll puke us. On Lord May 'r's feafts and Doctor Lucas, (u) He (s) In Pliny'' s learned page, y^.] — Pliny wrote many books, and was killed by Mount Vefuvius falling upon his head, though he always wore a pil- low faftened to the top of his wig, to fave him from that accident. (t) That lightning cannot fea-calves ijuound.^ — An animal that feldom appeareth on our fea-coafts, un- lefs to fifiiermen in the main ocean. (u) On Lord May'' rs feafcs and DoSior Lucas.'] — a very remarkable apothecary, and member of par- liament. He h'ved on Ormond-quay, in Dublin, at the fign of Boyle's-Head, who was a famous drug- gift. He was baniflicd from Ireland by a vote of the Houfe of Commons, which confined him to New- gate. He returned ro his native country by the fpe- cial mercy of his Majefty, whom he hath always continued to oppofe (for his good) in two parlia- ments, where he reprefenteth the city of Dubh'n. This The B A T C H E L O R. 353 He fings of beggars blind and dark, Like fonie old fnuffling parifli clerk : For This gentleman unfortunately died between the dif- ferent edi ions of this work, which prevented that accident being mentioned at firft. Being one of his conftituents, and having a fcarf at his funeral, rid- ing in my chariot, v/hicli I borrowed from one of the fheriffs, when the greatell peers and patriots walked on foot, 1 thought it my duty to celebrate his memory by the following pailoral Dirge, which I fent to the Freeman's Journal, of Saturday Nov. 9, 1771, which I knew it would pleafe the Dodor to have it inferted in his favourite paper, under the title of Corydon.- — The reader will obferve that I have taken notice of the miferable diftrefied, dif- trafted fymproms in which the Doctor has left the kingdom in general, no cocks crowing night or morn- ing, nor violets or prirarofes blowing in our plea- fure gardens, the Dodtor having died when King William was born, it being the fourth of Novem- ber, 1771. Sacred to the memory of Dodor Charles Lucas. I. Come every Nymph and every Swain, Every Dryad of the Plain, Ye Naiads from your Streams emerge Join me in the mournful Dirge. II. Tune your Reeds to folemn found, With cyprefs ftrew the hallow'd ground. For ah ! your faithful Corydon To the Elyfian field is gone. III. 354 The B A T C H E L O R. For (lanzas vile he racl^s his brain. And vainly mimicks Howard's ftrain ! He writes, he hobbles, bows, and leers, To gain a feat among the peers j And III. See the prlmrofe droops it's head The violets flide, the daify's dead j Each flower in forrow dies away, The kids and lambkins ceafe to play. IV. The tuneful race in ev:ery grove Negleft their fong, ncgleft their love. The village cock forgets to crow, And grief fits perch'd on every brow. V. Hark the follemn telling bell, Rings his laft, his funeral knell : See the weeping train approach. The black plumed hearfe and fable coach. VI. Lo lerne by his fide Fainting mourns her greateft pride, Sighing o'er his dear remains, Her beautious cheek with forrow ftains ! VII. Tune your reeds to folemn found, "With myrtle ftrew the hallow'd ground. For ah ! your faithful Corydon To the Elyfian (liades is gone. The B A T C H E L O R. 355 And ev'ry abje£l art he tries. To prove he's qualify'd to rife. With panegyric he befpatters, Degrading him he meanly flatters. Ah ! purblind knight ! thy arts mifplac'd, Think better of a Townfhend's tafte : Fools only will fuch praife affume. As Hottentots think greafe — perfume. Mark v/ith what eafe his brain creates Speeches nt'tr /poke ^ mifcall'd Debates, 'Till at the goddefs Dulnefs' fummons. He makes one C U of the commons, (v) Thou, Hutchinfon, (w^ whom every mufe With winning grace and art endues, Whofe power 'gainft prejudice contends And proves that law and wit are friends, In that promifcuous page alone By letters J, H. H. art known. In (v) He makes one C // of the commons.'] Doubts having arifen how the deficient vowels are to be filled up, I confulted feveral friends : my ne- phew Todd imagineth it meaneth caudle, a liquor drank by lying-in ladies, as it is compofed of feve- ral mixtures : (I think it beft when It is ftrong of the white-wine.) Mr. Croker very ingenioufly hinteth, he makes one cnrtfull of the commons ; that is the commons all move together In the fame machine. I think, with fubmiffion to better judg- ments, that the word dunghill removeth all difficul- ties, and correfponds exadlly with the author's meaning, and with every thing but the text. (w) Right Hon. John Hely Hutchinfon, Prime Serjeant and Member for the city of Corke. 356 The B A T C H E L O R. In ihee Malone (x), the nation's boaft, Precifion, law, and fenfe are loft. Andrews (y) who knows with various fkill, To rule the pafllons at his will. Who like a wife muHcian feizes. The tone which beft his audience pleafes. Wonders to find Vivaldi funk To a vile fcraper blind and drunk. How oft on polifh'd Ofborne's (z) tongue Pleas'd the attentive Senate hung ? While parties emuloufly ftrove Which moft fhould praife, what all approve. Now view him in thj^faithlefs ftrain Pert, peevifh, and peplexed as M ne. (a) Gifborne (b) who fays — ^juft what he ought. Who weighs, condenfes every thought, Whofe logick, fadtion can controul. And ftrikc convidion to the foul j With (x) Right Hon. Anthony Malone, Member for the county of Weftmeath. (y) Right Hon. P'rancis Andrews, Provoft of Tri- nity-college, and Adember for Londonderry. (z) Right Hon. Sir William Ofbone, Bart, one of the Commiflioners of the Revenue, and Member for the borough of Dungarvan. (a) Sir William M e, Bart, lately a Privy- Counfellor, and at prefent Member for Carysfort. He is fuppofed to underftand hand-writing and ac- compts as well as any book-keeper in Meath-ftreet, he is very fond of cyphering and arithmetic, and every day wanteth to know more of them. (b) Major General James Gilborne, Member for Lifmore. The BATCHELOR. 357 With energy no longer pleafes, But worfe than bablingCr— m~r teazes. (c) Think falfe retailer how each fprite. Will haunt thy flumbers every night. While thefe dread founds invade thine ear And chill thy confcious foul v^'ith fear. *' Where's Pery's (d) deep ironic fenfe ? *' Where Flood's (e) impetuous eloquence? ** Where witty Har ward's (f) well-timed " jeft ? ** In thy cold tale fo ill exprefs'd ? " Where (c) John Cramer, Efq; Member for the borough of Belturbet, and feventh coufin to the E 1 of L— s— h. (d) Right Hon. Edmond Sexton Pery, Speaker of the Houfe of Commons, and Member for the City of Limerick. (e) Henry Flood, Efq; Member for the borough of Callan (f) The late Counlellor William Harward, Member for the borough of Lanefborcugh, he v/as remarkable for wit and humour, and told many pleafant ftories and fprightly bon mots, viz. feeing once an officer of the Light Infantry who was very little with a large plume of feathers in his cap (faid the Counfellor) " If he had but a cork in his tail " one might make a Suttle-cock of him." and at another time meeting a young 'Squire who was juft returned from abroad, and very conceited, " He is" (laid the Counfellor) " fomething like my grey cir- ** cuiteering horfe, the worfe for travelling." Thefe bon mots my friends tell me, are not to be compar- . ed with fome of my own, viz. what I faid to the gentleman who was angry at being killed by my - Journal, 358 The B A T C H E L O R. •* Where Langriflie, (g) French, (h) and " Brownlow, (i) gone ? *' Where the bright flame of Hamilton ? (k) " Dull Chymift !— all exhal'd and fled ! — Thy caput niortuum in their ftead. — But whither, Clio, wou'dfl thou rove ? Fond thy defcriptive pow'r to prove, Refume the theme, refign'd too long, Let How^ard's praife conclude the fong. Maecenas puff'd by ev'ry quill, (1) Sits higheft on the three-fork'd hill : And lives for ever by the praife In Horace's and Virgil's lays (m) Yet Journal, which will be feen further on in thefe an- notations, alfo to the Eirl of Chefterfield, on faid Earl's complaining that the letter and paper of my Journal v/ere not of different colours, with many others too tedious to inlert. (g) Hercules Langriflie, Efq; Member for the borough of Knoftopher. (h) Robert French, Efq; Member for the town of Galway. (i) Right Hon. William Brownlow, Member for the county of Armagh. (k) Right Hon. William Gerard Hamilton, Efq; Chancellor of the Exchequer, and Member for Kil- lybegs, in the late parliament. (1) Maecenas puff'd by ev'ry quillP^ — Caius Qinius Mscenas a great lover of learning, and learned men. For his hiftory, and that of the Emperor Auguftus, and the v/hole policy of his reign, fee Littleton's Dictionary. (m) In Horace's and VirgiVs lays."] They are both to be had, from the hours of eight in the morning till tv/elv€ at night, at my fliop in Parli- ament-ftreet. * I have The B A T C H E L O R. 359 Yet not one ftanza of his own Has made the poet's patron known. \yhile Howard to unborrow'd fame, By his own works afferts his claim : Then let a double wreath reward The mufe's patron and their bard. I have now gone through the feveral pafTages of this admired poem, which I thought required any illuftration or comment, and the reader will judge how far I am qualified for the duty of a commenta- tor J though the fuccefs I have ah'eady met with in that capacity, leaveth me Httle room to doubt of the public indulgence. It would hz ungrateful, did I not take this public opportunity of returning my thanks to the many learned friends who have favoured me with their afiiftance in this arduous undertaking: they are fuch a catalogue of names as would do honour to the greateft v/its of antiqui- ty J and the man who can boa ft of the friendihip of Mr. Dane, fixth-clerk ; Mr. Dexter, keeper of the Four-Courts Marilialfea ; MefT. Kavanagh and Croker, attorneys at law ; Mr. Thomas Mullock, notary-publick, in Skinner-row ; and alderman Emerfon, of the Spinning-wheel, Caftle-ftreet ; need not be afiiamed of putting his name to any work, in which they have been his coadjutors. My nephew, Thom.as Todd, has been fo often menti- oned in thefe notes, that 'tis unneceflary to fay any thing in his praife, further, than that he is an acute critic, a great traveller, and I have always found him very faithful and diligent in his duty, as my foreman. To him, therefore, this work is infcribed, by His fmcere friend, and paternal uncle, GEORGE FAULKNER. FINIS. University of .California SOUTHERN REGIONAIi^RA^Y 405 Hilgard Avenue, Los Angeles, CA d0024^ Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed. 1 A 000 007 999 6 IZTtTHn^^ETJ^ RE