NiA 
 JTY
 
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES
 
 a-

 
 SELECT 
 
 ESSAYS, 
 
 FROM THE 
 
 BATCHELOR; 
 
 OR, 
 
 SPECULATIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 Jeoffry Tf^agftaffe, Efq. 
 
 DUBLIN: 
 
 Printed by James Hoey, jun. at the Mercury m 
 Parliament-ftreet. 
 
 M,DCC,l.XXII.
 
 i2>46 
 T O 
 
 Arthur Dawson, Efq. 
 
 ^HESE felea Effays are 
 infcribed, by the Ad- 
 mirer of his Witj and dif- 
 tinguiftied Abilities, 
 
 Jeoffry Wagflaffe. 
 
 Dublin, z^tb O^ober, 1772.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 No I. JT^AGSTJFFE's letter to Beckfont, 
 '^ on Mr. Baker'' s method of curing cows, 
 
 N° z. On travelling, 
 
 N° 3. Predi^ions for the year 1771. 
 
 N° 4. Nicholas WeJVs letter, to the Rev. Mr. Bax- 
 ter, at Corke, nvith an account of the mi- 
 racles performed at Dr. Lucas's tomb. 
 
 N° 5. Peter Sceptic's anfnxier. 
 
 N° 6. Defence of Free-thinking. 
 
 N" 7. Imitation of the 2i,th Ode of the \Jl Book of 
 Horace, addrejfed to the Right Hon. J — n 
 P—nf hy, Efq\ 
 
 N° 8. Fffay on credulity. 
 
 N" 9. Account of the Swaddlers religious tenets. 
 
 N° 10. Phocion's letter to Mr. P — a f ■ ■'■ hj, on the 
 fuljeSi of a land-tax. 
 
 N° II. Rujlicus's letter, on the fame fuhjeS. 
 
 N° 1 2. Phocion's letter to Arthur Bayley, Efq; ivith 
 a defence of Mr. P nf hy. 
 
 N° 13. Phocion's letter to the Earl of B—fi gh. 
 
 N° 14. CharaBers of Fervdus and Fucofus, nvith 
 Mrs. Gre'vilWs Ode on Indifference. 
 
 N° 15. Parthenid's Pinchbeck's letter to Wagjiaffey 
 &c. 
 
 N° 16. A Defence of Cuckoldom, with a dedication to 
 the Female Coterie, 
 
 N° 17. Criticifm on Junius, 'with a comparifon he- 
 tvjeen him and Sivift, 
 
 a 2 N° 18.
 
 vl CONTENTS. 
 
 N° 18. Ant ipot aloe's letter from Tipperary, proving^ 
 that all the national grievances are produ- 
 ced by potatoes. 
 N° 19. Ofi the modern notions cf politenefs, and the 
 
 refinement of manners. 
 N° 20. Phocion\ criticifm on "Junius'" s fiyle. 
 N° 2 1 . Account of the debates in the Houfe. 
 
 N° 2 2. Panegyrical verfesy addrejjed to H ry 
 
 Fl d. 
 
 N° 23. Punches letter, and fong, on the appointment 
 
 of the Ne-iv Board of Excife. 
 
 N° 24. Account of the epidemic difeafes in the Senate. 
 
 N° 25. ^evedo's 'vijion, on a Jcheme for the coalition 
 
 of parties f by a chirurgical operation on the 
 
 occiputs. 
 
 N° 26. Imitation of the i 2th Ode of the \Ji Book of 
 
 Horace. 
 N° 27. ^eer-toiun, a political dialogue. 
 N° 28. Account of the Robin- Hood Society ^ ijuith the 
 
 members fpeeches . 
 N° 29. Continuation of the debates, 
 N° 30. A Paftoral Ballad. 
 N° 3 1 . Refolutions of the Robin-Hood Society, 
 N° 32. A modern Ode, on the infiallation of Sir 
 
 Ch s C te, K. cf the B . 
 
 N°. 33' A Panegyrick on Dr. Ronvley, nvith an ex- 
 
 traQ from his Effay on the Plague. 
 N° 34. Epigram, on the fecond converfion of Father 
 
 J n F — tzg ns, vjith a Comment. 
 
 N° 35 • Biogenesis 'vindication of Dr. Lucat's private 
 
 Chara(3er. 
 N° 36. Defence of his political condu^ by Diogenes. 
 N° 37. Verfes, to the memory of Lady lonjjnjhend. 
 N° 38, Balladi onDi^Lucat: Air, Hey my Kitten. 
 
 N° 39.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 va 
 
 N° 39. Epijile to R—b i J-^ph «, J^j 
 
 N° 40. BroghilVs an/aver to Sinder combe. 
 
 N** 41. Verax, to J n P — »/ by, Efq; 
 
 N° 42. A Sketch of the Political Hijiory of Lord 
 Touunjhend's Adminifiration. 
 
 N° 43. Speculator's EJfay on Lord Sancho's Chara^er 
 and Temper. 
 
 N° 44. Account of the debates in the Houfe of Com- 
 mons, on the legality of the Neiu Board of 
 Exclfe. 
 
 N'' 45. VeSiigal, on the management of the Revenue. 
 
 K" 46. Patriotifm : An Ode. 
 
 1*J° 47. Sketches for Caracatures. 
 
 N° 48. On the wonderful effeJis of the Finland uueed. 
 
 N° 49. Danjid Hume's letter y on the Irijh conjiitution, 
 in anfnxjer to Jean Jacques Roujfeau. 
 
 N° 50. Attild's letter on party ivriiing. 
 
 N° 5 X . Prologue to the Plain Dealer, as altered from 
 Wycherly. 
 
 N° 52. Verfes addrefed to G. E. H. Efq-, 
 
 N° 53. Verax' s Defence of Lord To^njhend's Admi- 
 
 niflration. 
 " Kiffes : A Poem. 
 
 N° 54. Epifle to Gorges Edmond Ho'ward, Efq', 'witb 
 
 Notes by Alderman Faulkner,
 
 THE 
 
 BATCHELOR. 
 
 NUMBER I. 
 
 " Mr. John Wynn Baker, F.R.S.havirg praftil'ed, with the great- 
 " ell fuccelf, a method o! preventing the fatal efFefts attending 
 *' cattle when fwelled with eating clover, does, at the dcfne 
 " of the Dublin Society, invite any number of gentlemen of 
 " the difFeieut counties, to attend at his houfe at Laughlin'- 
 " town, near Celb.idge,eaily on Tuefday the izth of this intt. 
 " June, 177 I, when he will, for the faiisfadlion and informa- 
 " tion of the public, ftiew them the certain good confequen- 
 " ces aiifing from the above method, by turning a beaft or 
 " two in perfed health into clover, in order to Iwell them, 
 " and he will then inftantaneoufly relieve them according to 
 " his method, in the preience of fuch gentlemen as may be 
 " upon theifot. — Any farmer or poor man who has cattle, 
 " (hall be welcome to attend the opera'tion." 
 
 From the fever al Dublin papers. 
 
 To the right hon. WILLIAM BECKFORD, Efqj 
 Loid Mayor of London. 
 My Lord, 
 
 Y charadter in the literary world, 
 ^"^ mult be my apology to yourlord- 
 fhip for the freedom of this ad- 
 drefs. — Let me therefore recom- 
 mend to your ferious attention, 
 ihe ingenious Mr. Baker's me- 
 thod of curing cows which have 
 been furfeited by feeding on clo- 
 As the gradation between the horned fpecies 
 B and 
 
 ver.
 
 2 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 and ALDERMEM IS fcarcc perceptible, I fancy thart 
 gentleman might be of infinite fervice at the London 
 Tavern. 
 
 I am fo well acquainted with your patriotifni and 
 public fpiiit, that I depend, with confidence, on your 
 lordfhip's patronage in favour of Mr. Baker by 
 your animating encouragement, the arts and fciences 
 flourlfli in all parts of the Britilh empire. Let it be 
 your boaft, my lord, to call forth merit from obfcuri- 
 ty. Mr. Baker is now fulely employed in preferv- 
 ing the lives of a few Irish cov/s, (that deferve 
 to fufFer for their gluttony) when I fincerely think, 
 without any compliment, that preferving half a do- 
 zen patriotic aldermen, is of more confequence to 
 the community. 
 
 Your lordPnip Is wife from experience; you have 
 feen much of the world, and therefore muft know, 
 that the feafon for green peafe, and other flatulent 
 vegetables, is fatal to many of your brethern, and 
 caufcs many vacancies at your council hoard. At 
 this critical period, my lord, the fudden deaths of 
 men of genius, may be attended with pernicious . 
 cfFeds : the pillars of our conftitution may be 
 fnatched away by a difh of artichokes, and a plate of 
 beans nay occafion the fall of our ftocks. 
 
 I therefore humbly entreat your lordfhip to call a 
 meeting of the Livery of London, to draw up an 
 addrefs and petition to the Dublin Society, that they 
 mav inftanily order Mr. Baker to attend you : ft 
 will fignaiife the sra of your lorddiip's mayoralty to 
 lateft pofterity, if you exert your influence to pro- 
 cure that genileman an adequate pen/ton out of the 
 city rtiiemies. 
 
 Mr.
 
 The B A T C H E L G R. 
 
 Mr. Baker's method of curing cows is by intro- 
 ducing the point of a knife between their ribs. — Do 
 not be alarmed, my lord, it is no more than the 
 prick of a lancet I affure you. — Call him then from 
 this fordid employment, and let him exert his (kill 
 for the prefervation of his own fpecies. Let it be his 
 conftant bufinefs to attend at every turtle feaft with 
 his chirurgical knife, and when any of the guefts 
 (hew the leall: fyraptoms of indigeftion, let him pro- 
 ceed to bufinefs. The wind confined by repletion, 
 •which often occafions apoplexies, vertigoes, and 
 other aldermanic complaints, will inftantly evaporate, 
 and leave the patient in perfcQ health. — A familiar 
 inftance, will brighten your lordihip's perception, 
 and give you a clearer idea of this operation, than 
 a tedious phyfical difcuflion. In the courfe of your 
 lordfhip's obfervations, you mufl often have feen a 
 vent-peg applied to a calk of porter to prevent its 
 burfting ; the cafe is exaSly fimilar, and, indeed, I 
 
 heard a great natural philofopher (L d M -a, 
 
 F. R. S.) fay that Mr Baker took the hint from 
 this trivial circumftance, like Sir Ifaac Newton, who 
 founded his noble fyftem of attradlion on obferving 
 an apple fall to the ground. 
 
 It is Dodor Swift's opinion, " that whoever 
 *' could make two ears of corn, or two blades of 
 *' grafs to grow upon a fpot of ground where only 
 *♦ one grew before, would deferve better of man- 
 *' kind than the whole race of politicians." This 
 Mr. Baker can efFc£t, my lord ; but what infinitely 
 is more interefting to your lordlhip, and the whole 
 livery, he can alfo enable every citizen to eat ttvf 
 cuftards inftead of one, without any danger of burft- 
 B z ing.
 
 4 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 ing. — Sure!/ then he deferves to be amply re- 
 warded i 
 
 Time, my lord, has introduced a ftrange revolu- 
 tion in the manners of the citizens. In a fannatic 
 age, grievances and api>rehenfions produced farting 
 and mortification ; but your patriots fupport their 
 fpirits by feafting, and eat in proportion to their zeal. 
 —An additional motive, my lord, to encourage Mr. 
 Baker. Mrs. M'AuIey could alfo inform your 
 lordfhip, that the man who had faved the life of a 
 Roman citizen, was rewarded with a Civic crown. 
 Revive this cuftom, my lord, in honour of Mr. 
 Baker, for T dare fay, he will preferve the lives of 
 many illuftrious citizens this feafon. 
 
 However your lordfhip may be prejudiced againft 
 tlie Irish, I aflure you there are many ingenious 
 inen in this country, who gain a comfortable lively- 
 hood by cutting open the flcins of flieep, and dealing 
 their tallow. The operation is not very dangerous, 
 for thofe gentle animals feed immediately after, with 
 an excellent appetite, and your lordftip knows, that 
 is the furefl: left of a patient's recovery. Now, by 
 Teafoning from analogy, we may fafely conclude, 
 that the fame experiment will equally fucceed on 
 iheep, aldermen, and all lethargic citizens : I there- 
 fore think you fhould engage fome of thofe Heaven- 
 taught furgeons to accompany Mr. Baker. By this 
 iTieans, a large fupply of tallow may be eafily obtain- 
 ed, and the price of candles fpeedily reduced ; and 
 thus your lordrtiip will enjoy the heart-felt fatisfac- 
 tlon of redrefling one of the national grievances, 
 ■without hazarding a revolution. It is my boaft, my 
 lord, and I glory in the invention, that I am the firll 
 projector, who ever pointed out a rational fcheme to 
 lender the fat of the citizens of fervice to the nati- 
 on.
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. S 
 
 on. — This gives unfpeakable fatisfadlion, as an over- 
 grown, unwieldy citizen has long been a fubjeft of 
 Ridicule ; for Cato jefting on one of the aldermen of 
 Rome, afked, of " what ufe a body could be to the 
 " republic, that was all belly ?" 
 
 I hope your lordfhip will approve of my propofal ; 
 fuch a generous encouragement of the natives of 
 this kingJom, will do you great honour, and will 
 moft effeftually expofe the talfity and feverity of 
 Mr. Kelly's refleftirns on your lordfhip, for mention- 
 ing his countrymen with feeming difrefpe(5t. You 
 have been accufed of ill nature and cruelty, yet I 
 dare fay, if you had Mr. Kelly among your herd of 
 (laves in Jamaica, you would give him moft convin- 
 cing proofs of your lenity and moderation. He alfo 
 infinuates, that good-nature fhould compofe one part 
 of your lordfhip's charaQer, becaufe folly is the pro- 
 per foil for that milky plant to grow in: but poets, 
 my lord, ate feldom good philofophers. — Goofe- 
 greafe, indeed, is endued with a healing medicinal 
 quality ; but Mr. Kelly Ihould not draw too hafty a 
 conclufion from this, and expe£t to find good-nature 
 and folly always united in the fame perfon. 
 
 I am, with refpe£l, 
 
 My lord, 
 
 Your lordfhip's moft obedient, 
 
 humble fervant, 
 
 Y JEOFFRY WAGSTAFFE. 
 
 B 3 No. 2.
 
 The -B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 NUMBER II. 
 
 S'il pajfe chez V Anglois ; citoyen de tiTverne, 
 
 Impudent, crapuleux ce cynique moderney 
 
 Gagnera les defauts de cette nation : 
 
 Bizarre Iff fmgulier par affedation, 
 
 11 fera "vanit'e d' etaler fa folie. 
 
 Dieti nious garde Jur tout, pour comble de mantey 
 
 Slu'il ne s'anjife un jour d' avoir le fplen par goaty 
 
 Et po-ujfant V Anglicifme infenfement d kout. 
 
 Pour prowver qiCil a bien profit's du fvoya^ e, 
 
 II ne fe pende ici a la fleur de fan age. 
 
 Philosophe de Sans Souci. 
 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 IL A TEL Y rpent an evening with fome young 
 gentlemen juft returned from their travels ; the 
 converfation made fo ftrong an impreffion on me, 
 that I am refolved to make it the fubjeft of a letter. 
 What difgufted me mod, was their aukward at- 
 tempts to mimick that agreeable livelinefs, fo natural 
 and pleafing in that gay and volatile people, the 
 French: for I have obferved, that extreme vivacity 
 among my countrymen, is generally a fign of heavy 
 intelleds ; the fpirits feem to be diiTipated and 
 quartered in the limbs, for want of employment in 
 the head. Inftcad of fenfe or fancy in converfation, 
 they fubllitute a pert, forward manner of addrefs, 
 and a peremptory, decifive manner of declaring their 
 fentinienis. When I aflced thefe gentlemen any 
 
 queftions
 
 Tlie B A T C H E L O R. 7 
 
 queftlons about the manners, or police of the coun- 
 tries they had vifited, their anfwers v/ere larded 
 with fo many pretty French and Italian words, that 
 they were quite unintelligible. I was fometimes 
 malicious enough to puzzle them, by defiring an 
 explanation of thofe exotic phrafes which they in- 
 troduced to embellirn,and enrich our rude language; 
 but I foon found they had no ideas annexed to the 
 words : /=■ bon ten and la belle ttfage figniued fomc- 
 thing they could neither conceive nor exprefs. 
 
 They feemed enamoured with French govern- 
 ment, becaufe the privileges of the nobkjfe fecured 
 them from the infolence of the vulgar, and the pen- 
 alties of a Crown-office. I ventured to fay, it was 
 the peculiar happinefs of our country, that the laws 
 made no ditlinQion of perfons, but generoufly pro- 
 tected the loweft individual from the infolence, and 
 caprice of the higheft ; and to add weight to my 
 fentiments, quoted the opinion of a celebrated 
 Frenchman, who made this very principle the bafis 
 of political freedom. I was anfwerered with a pro- 
 fufion of fafhionable jargon, about gentlemen, men of 
 honour, &c. " That their difcretion was always 
 •' fufficient to reftrain them from doing any thing 
 " improper ; but if a tradefman or chaiiman was 
 " Impudent, it was very heard that a gentleman 
 ♦• might not chaftize him, or on an extraordinary oc- 
 " cafion, run him through with impunity ; as fuch 
 " an e(iahlifl:ed right had done great fervice in 
 '• France, and was the principal means of civilizing 
 " the commonalty, and enduing them w^ith VipoliteJJt, 
 " which the gentry of thefe barbarous countries 
 " could fcarce attain." This was urged with (o 
 much modefty and good fenfe, that I had nothing to 
 reply, and fo gave up the argument. 
 
 B4 The
 
 8 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 The French, in general, were reprefented by our 
 young travellers, as a nation of wits ; but it writ 
 eafy to fee they had only formed a fuperficlal opini- 
 on from appearances, and miftook that vivacity 
 with which a Frenchman will a(k the mofl; indiffer- 
 ent queftion, for wit. I faid we were frequently 
 deceived in this matter, by not pioperly dillingui/h- 
 ing between wit and vivacity j the latter being often 
 found blended with ftupidity, and very confident 
 with it ; as quick filver, though fo 'very volatile, is 
 yet heavier than lead. I found this remark was 
 conftrued into an oblique reflection, at which, in- 
 deed, I was not much difpleafed ; however, I took 
 my leave, and I believe our parting v/as very agree- 
 able on boih fides. 
 
 I remember being in company fome years ago 
 where a young fellow made himfelf very ridiculous 
 by his talkative inipertinence, who had been remark- 
 able before he went abroad, for fheepiftnefs and 
 want of fpirir. Soon after, the converfaiion turned 
 on the abfurdity of fending fuch boobies to ftare 
 away their time, and pick up the foibles and abfuidi- 
 ties of every country they vifit. A young lady, (the 
 late IVIifs Trevor,) diftinguiflied for her fpri^htly fan- 
 cy, obferved, ♦' That travelling was of infinite ufe to 
 *' them, as it heightened ihi:ir feif conceit, andchang- 
 ** ed them from lethargic blockheads, into prating 
 *' coxcombs } it improves them as bottling does fmall 
 •* beer, which then becomes brifk, without growing 
 *' llronger." I am fure feveral of thefe ingenious 
 youths are obliged to this lady, for pointing out with 
 fo much good fenfe and humour, an improvement, 
 which to do them juftice, they feldoni mifs acqui- 
 ring by their ttaveb 
 
 Ok
 
 The B ATCHELOR. 
 
 On the other hand, travelling gives that enje and 
 polifli to a man of fenfe and learning, tvhich nothing 
 elfe can fupply. A judicious mixture of thofe refin- 
 ed manners in which our neighbours excell, add a 
 grace and brilliancy to every folid accomplifhment, 
 and compleat what may be juftly called the fine gen- 
 tleman. : — as our weavers ufe wool of a finer 
 growth than our native fleeces, to carry the. manu- 
 fadure to its utmoft perfedion.. 
 
 The true ufe of travelling is finely exemplified by 
 the penetrating Helvetius, in the following; 
 anecdote. The regent Duke of Orleans, afking a 
 gentleman, " What charafleriftlcal mark- diftin- 
 " guifhed the various nations of Europe," received 
 this anfwer. " I Ihall juft repeat to your highnefs 
 the different queftions which are allied when a' 
 ftranger firft makes his appearance In public : the 
 Spaniard enquires, h he a nobleman of the fir J} rank?' 
 The German, h he entitled to he prefent at the elec- 
 tion of an Emperor ? The French, h he ivell recei'v- 
 td at court ? The Dutch, Horn many thoufands is 
 he luorth P The Englifh, What fort of a man is he .*"* 
 It is the property of genius to dilplay the characters, 
 of a people by traits, imperceptible to common un- 
 derilandings, — What a noble eulogium on the Bfltifh. 
 conftiluiion, does the laft quellion convey } A free 
 and generous people will etleem a man according to 
 his intrinfic merit, and are not to be dazzled by the 
 falls, and meretricious glare of rank and fortune. 
 
 Stuck round ivith titles, or hun^ round iviih JlrinpSf 
 That thou mayeji he, by kings, or ivhores of kings. 
 
 B 5 I fliall
 
 lo The B A TC HE LOR. 
 
 T fhall conclude with a few lines on this fubjecl, 
 *vriiten by the prefent Lord Lytlletcn ; they coine 
 with peculiar grace and propriety fiom a nobleman, 
 wliofe precepts and exauiple are equally beautiful 
 and inftrudive. 
 
 " Me other cares, in other climes engage, 
 *' Cares that become my birth, and fuit my age j 
 ♦• In various knowledge to improve my youth, 
 *' And conquer prejudice, worft foe to truth ; 
 " By foreign arts, domeitic faults to mend, 
 *' Enlarge my notions, and my views extend ; 
 " The ufeful fcience of the world to knov/, 
 " Which books can never teach, or pedants fliew. 
 " A nation here I pity and admire, 
 •* Whom nobleft fentiments of glory fire, 
 *' Yet taught by cuftom's force, and bigot fear, 
 *' To ferve with pride, and boafi: the yoke they 
 
 " bear: 
 •' Whofe nobles born to cringe, and to command, 
 " In courts a mean, in camps a gen'rous band ; 
 " From each low tool of pow'r content receive, 
 " Thofe laws their dreaded arms to Europe give. 
 " Whofe people vain in want, in bondage bleft, 
 ** Though plunder'd gay, induftrious though op- 
 
 " prefs'd : 
 ** With happy follies rife above their fate, 
 " The jeft and envy of each wifer ftate." 
 
 Y 
 
 No. 2.
 
 The BATCHELOR. ii 
 
 NUMBER III. 
 
 Multa fuerant in eo anno prodigia. 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. 
 
 Livv. 
 
 My clear and mu:h honoured Coufmt 
 
 IN my former letter, which you honoured with a' 
 place among your Speculations, I mentioned that 
 I had in my poffefiion a nianufcript volume on aftro- 
 logy, written by our kinfiiian Ilaac BickerftafF, Efq;, 
 of famous memory. On looking over this book 
 lately, I found the following lines, which feem to me 
 to be a fort of predidion or prophecy, compleated in 
 the prefent times. Whoever will confult his faaous 
 predidions for the year 1708, can hardly doubt of 
 his (kill : his Merlin's prophecy is alfo a mafter- 
 piece ; fo that I think he may be juflly ranked- 
 amongll the firft aftroiogers. 
 
 I have attempted fome notes or annotations, by 
 way of illudration, which I entirely fubmit to your 
 judgment, to infert or not. 
 
 I am, dear Jeoffry, 
 
 Your afTcdtionate kinfman, 
 
 ALBERT LONG STAFF.- 
 
 Bickerstaff's Predictions for the year 1771. 
 
 TWICE feven, twice one Hiall be the year, 
 In which new wondeis iiiall appear ; 
 
 The
 
 12 The B ATCHELOR. 
 
 The flars Hiall bend their whole defigns, 
 To drive out Leo from the figns ; 
 Fach (lialt exert the hotteft zeal. 
 And all pretend the Zodiac's wea!. 
 
 Behold the Ram with afpeft horrid, 
 Againft the Lion hutts his for'head ; 
 And ainris to fracture Leo's flcull, 
 Atfifted by his colleague Bull. 
 The Gemini prepare for arms, 
 E'en Virgo's breafl: with ardour warms: 
 ■Cancer attempts to claw his tail, 
 And Libra wields the beam and fcale. 
 See Scorpio all his venom dart, 
 S^gittar' points at Leo's heart ; 
 Wbilll that old cuckold Capricorn, 
 Advances fiercely with his horn. 
 Aquarius pours his watry flood. 
 And Pifces quit their native mud. 
 
 Nor aught their efforts (hall avail, 
 The valiant Lion fliall prevail j 
 No monfter after in the Iky, 
 Shall dare with him his ftrength to try : 
 Cover'd with fhame and foul difgrace. 
 Each rebel fign fhall hide his face. 
 
 Explanatory Notes. 
 
 (i) Tiuicefe'Tjen, tivice one.] This line defcrlbes 
 the lime when thefe events (hall happen, and mani- 
 feftly point out to us the prefent year. 
 
 (3) The pars Jhiill bend, i^c] This and the three fol- 
 lowing lines contain the fubftance of the whole pre- 
 diction. They are plainly defcriptive of the prefent 
 diftradions which prevail in a certain country, and 
 of that falfe fpiiit of mock patriotifra by which a fet 
 
 of
 
 The B ATCHELOR. 13 
 
 of defigning obfcure men, dupe the people for their 
 own wicked purpofes. The driving out Leo from 
 the figns, certainly points out thofe levelling gentle- 
 men, who aim not only to deftioy all kingly pov/er, 
 but even to overturn the conllitution. 
 
 (6) Behold the Ram.] This is certainly John 
 Wilkes, Efq ; publiflier of the EfTay on Woman, ti- 
 tular member for Middlefex, alderman and flierifF of 
 London. The mention of his colleague Bull, puts 
 this matter beyond difpute. Befides, I am informed 
 that in this kingdom, Johnny Ram is the common 
 nick-name for a thief, a rafcal, and a rogue. 
 
 (12) E'en Virgo's hreajl-l This muft undoubted- 
 ly be Mrs. Catharine Macauly, a great party writer 
 in favour of licentioufnefs. But how fhe can be 
 called a virgin, I own is beyond my fkili to account 
 for. 
 
 (13) Cancer attempts to claiv.] Here the predic- 
 tion feems to fhift the fcene. The ram, &c. attack 
 the lion in front, and the crab in the rear : I am 
 therefore inclined to think, that by Cancer is meant 
 fome old crazed (lirrer up of fedition, who crawls 
 on all-four like a crab. As Wilkes is the ram, 
 Lucas muft be the crab; and as the one attacks 
 government in the front, that is, in England ; Co the 
 other claws it in the tale, which is Ireland. 
 
 (14) Lihra ivieUs.] This is fome what obfcure: 
 but in my opinion, the perfon here hinted at is J. P. 
 who fo long held the fcales as Lord Juftice, and at 
 laft overturned the balance, by throwing in too 
 much of his own felf-confequence and felf-intereft. 
 
 (15) Set
 
 14 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 (i 5) See Scorpio all.] Here the Freeman's Journal 
 is plainly pointed out : the Lady's Rod, at the head 
 of that paper, is conipofed of fcorpions, which fpit 
 their venom at none but chief governors, and the 
 friends of government. 
 
 (16) Sagittarius points.] This line Is foniewhat 
 difficult to explain: we muft therefore have recourfe 
 to conjeflure, and fuppofe that by this is meant a 
 perfon, who formerly had the care of fome artillery, 
 and perhaps was turned out on account of an unrea- 
 Ibnable oppofition. The next line is {till more diffi- 
 cult, as there are now fo many cuckolds in the 
 world J therefore the reader is welcome to make 
 what application he pleafes. 
 
 (19) Jqitarius pours.] Here muft be implied 
 fome orator, whofe declamation falls like a fpout, 
 and at the fame time avails no more than luater 
 
 Jpilled upon the ground. 
 
 (20) And Pifces quitP\ Thefe mud-fifh muft be 
 eels, and fignify thofe flippery chaps, called, Inde- 
 pendent Men, or men that cannot be depended on, 
 by any party. They are generally men of obfcure 
 birth, mean parts, and no principles. Thefe mute 
 fifties can only be made vocal from difappointed am- 
 bition, or the hopes of gain. 
 
 [zi) Nor aught their efforts.] By thefe laft h"nes 
 the prophetic fpirit of my coufin Ifaac foretels, that 
 after all this buftle, they may be all quieted like the 
 bees in Virgil. 
 
 Pul'ueris exigui ja3u compreffa quiefcunt. And I 
 believe our own experience will tell us, that nothing 
 •will lay the turbulent fpirit of pattiotifm fo effeflu- 
 
 ally,
 
 The B ATCHELO R. 15 
 
 ally, as places and penfions thrown out amongft the 
 nioit furious zealots, when the fever of faction is 
 hiehefl upon them. 
 
 W 
 
 NUMBER IV. 
 
 To the rev. Mr. William Baxter, at Ccrke. 
 
 Dear fir, 
 
 YO U defire me to give you an account of the 
 moft remarkable occurrences in our metropo- 
 lis. The tflfk is eafily performed : politics, and the 
 Epillle to Mr. Howard, with alderman Faulknei's 
 notes *, have at laiT: given place to a much more ex- 
 traordinary fubjedt ; I mean the miracles done in 
 the church of St. Michan's, by the relics of the late 
 DoiEtor Charles Lucas, now known by the name of 
 Saint Charles. You know it is the perfuafion of all 
 men of fenfe and learning, that the miraculous pow- 
 ers have been withdrawn from the world ever fince 
 the time of the apoftles. The many crafts and im- 
 pofitions which have been pradtifed by churchmen, 
 for the purpofes of policy and private intereft;, have 
 brought the opinion of fupernatural agencies into 
 general difcredit. No one was a more confirmed 
 infidel than myfelf, in refpedt to all fuperftitions ; 
 and had an account of thefe miracles come down 
 traditionally from any former time to the prefent, I 
 
 * That number of the Batchelor, containing the cpiftle 
 •with the notes here mentioned, (hould have been inferted pre- 
 vious to this paper : but being of a great length, we thought it 
 belter to infeil it entire at the end of the volume. 
 
 ihould
 
 i6 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 (hould have treated them with the fame derifion as 
 the monftrous legends of St. Anthony the monk, or 
 thofe of the Abbe Paris, in the church of St. 
 Medard, at Paris. But being a voucher, by the evi- 
 dence of my own fenfes, in the truth of much of 
 what is fo formally attefled, and having no reafon to 
 doubt the credit of others, who receive them with 
 an equal degree of convidllon, I own I can no longer 
 withhold my affent to them. Wonderous things 
 have been done in the fight of multitudes ; the mi- 
 nifter and churchwardens have fet the parifh feal to 
 their authenticity, and the regilter is prefcrved in 
 which the names of all who have vifited the faint, 
 with the nature of the operation on each, is faithful- 
 ly and exadl'y recorded. The Doftor, as you may 
 fee by the papers, was interred with great funeral 
 pomp on the igth of November, 1771, in the 
 church of St. Michan's : on the day after, his grave 
 was vifited by feveral members of both Houfes of 
 
 P nt ; not fo much out of refpeft to his 
 
 memory, nor from any expectation of a miracle, as 
 to make themfelves popular among the common 
 people at prefent, while the city election is depend- 
 ing. 
 
 The firft appearance of any thing fupernatural 
 
 was obferved in the perfon of Colonel John P v, 
 
 who, though generally confined the greateft part of 
 the year by the gout, and unable to move by the 
 ufe of his own limbs for feme time paft, yet was feen 
 to walk fioni Henry-ftreet (the place of the Doc- 
 tor's late refidence) to the church of St. Michan's, 
 without fufferingany prejudice to his health, though 
 the ftreets were very wet and dirty, and the Colonel 
 often obliged to walk above his ancle in the kennel. 
 Moft of the miracles yet wrought have been on the 
 
 minds.
 
 The B ATC HELOR. 17 
 
 minds, manners, and underftandings of tbe devotees ; 
 but from this example of the Colonel, 'tis probable 
 the remains may have the fame efficacy on diforders 
 of the body. You have paid many vifits to Bath, 
 and the hot fprings of Italy for your rhcumatifm, to 
 little purpofe ; I wifh you could be prevailed on to 
 try the church of St. Michan's; if it does you no 
 fervice, it can do you no harm, and a journey of an 
 hundred miles is no mighty m.atter. Whatever is 
 your determination let it be fpeedy, for perhaps the 
 miraculous viitue may foon leave the Do£tor's re- 
 mains, never to return, or only on certain anniverfa- 
 ries, fuch as his eleftion for the city ; the pafllng the 
 Odlennlal-bill ; the breaking open of Newgate by 
 the foid'ers in garrifon on Dublin duty, and other 
 favourite asras. On thofe days the crowd will be fo 
 great, preiling to the church, that to efcape with 
 whole bones will be a miracle, almoft as great as any 
 the holy relics can perform. I muft not forget to tell 
 you, that great fums have been already collefled at 
 the church door by the fexton, and that truftees are 
 appointed to fee them properly diftributed, as they 
 fuppofe would be moll agreeable to St. Charles 
 were he living. One moiety is to be divided among 
 the Committees of the Free-Prefs, and the Hiberni- 
 an Journal ; and the other is referved for the fup- 
 port of new feminaries of oratory, on the fame foot- 
 ing with thofe of the Free Debating Society, the 
 Lycseum, and the re(t which are already eftabliflied 
 in this city. 
 
 I am ever, dear fir, yours, 
 
 NICHOLAS WEST. 
 
 Liji
 
 i8 The B ATC HELOR. 
 
 Liji of miracles lurought in the church of St. Michati'sy 
 Dublin^ by the remains of the late Do£lor Charles 
 LucaSi MOiv knoiun by the name of St. Charles. 
 Taken from the parijb regijler, in the cuftody of the 
 tninifer and churchivardens of faid parijh : ixjit- 
 vefedandfealed at the bottom by all the de^votees^ 
 andfigned andfealed at the top. 
 
 L. S. O Stephen Barrington, Redor, 
 
 L. S. O Isaac Clancy, 7 -^7 ; ; 
 
 T c /^ n r. ? Churcbiuardens. 
 
 L.. b. U D£N. Bradshaw, 3 
 
 H y F d, Efq; member of parliament for 
 
 the borough of C n, after leaving the church of 
 
 St. Michan's, went diretlly to the Houfe of Com- 
 mons, and fpoke three quarters of an hour to the 
 queftion under confideration, without the lead: per- 
 perfonaliry or inve6live againft the Prime Serjeant, 
 the Att ^rney General, or any friend of the prcfent 
 adminiftration. 
 
 J P ~, Efq ; late S r, came out of 
 
 the church at half an hour after a eleven, on the Joth 
 of November, 1771 ; looked as if he was thinking, 
 and made but one promife the v.'hole day, viz. that 
 he would remember his engagement to dinner i 
 which he kept. 
 
 Counfellor H on, member of parliament, 
 
 after his return from St. Michan's to the Houfe of 
 Commons, fpoke but one quarter of an hour, and 
 did not mention the pier of Balbriggen. 
 
 Sir W m M e, Bart, on his way to the 
 
 .Saint, uoppcd at the fign of the Highlander, on the 
 
 Blind-
 
 The B A TCHELOR. 19 
 
 Blind-quay, to buy nine penny worth of fnufF, where 
 he was delayed fourteen minutes, by mifcalculating 
 the change he was to receive out of half a guinea; 
 but before he left the church, to the aftonifliment of 
 a!! prefent, members of parliament, and others, he 
 drew out a table of pence on a flat ftone in the 
 church-yard, with a piece of miraculous chalk, 
 taken from the right toe of the Saint : repeated the 
 multiplication table twice, without a fingle miftake, 
 and afterwards worked two queftions in divifion, 
 with very few errors, before Mr. Daniel Swiney, 
 wriiing-mafter, at the fign of the Hand and Pen,- in 
 Skinner-row. — He is alfo much better of his Scotch 
 accenc, and 'tis not defpaired but by a few more vifits 
 to St. Michan's, he may be perfedtly cured.—When 
 the miracle is accomplilhed, it will be regiftered with 
 the reft. 
 
 The Lord Vifcount M — 1 — h, who drove at full 
 gallop in a phaeton and four to the church, greatly 
 annoying all pafTengers in the ftreets, at coming out 
 difmifled his equipage, walked foberly home, has 
 fince put on a clean fhirt once a day, and is now dri- 
 ven by his own coachman. 
 
 The Rev. Dodtor Borrows, immediately after 
 returning from the church, wrote an epigram with a 
 new thought, and fome point in it. 
 
 His Excellency Lord Townfliend, vifited the 
 church early in the morning on the iith of No- 
 vember, and after his return, did not keep his com- 
 pany waiting dinner, and faid nothing the whole day 
 worthy of being remembered. 
 
 The Speaker of the Houfe of Commons, after 
 having been at the church, was for a fhoit time per- 
 plexed in deciding a point of order. 
 
 T 8
 
 20 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 -s L te, Efq ; did not fit in a 
 
 nich the whole day after his return to the Houfe of 
 Commons, from the Church of St. Michan's. 
 
 Patrfck Dogherty, Farrier, of the parifli of St. An- 
 drew's, who was born deaf and dumb, on entering 
 the church, was obferved to clinch his fill feveral 
 times, and to ftrike his hand againll his breaft. On 
 touching the body of the Saint, he uttered very dif- 
 tinftly, and with great emphafis, the words Slavery 
 —Impious Tyrants— Corruption — Flagitious Minijiry 
 —Mercenary red Coat Ruffians. On which he was 
 immediately nominated as a proper perfon to be 
 candidate for the city, and it is imagined he will car- 
 ry his eledion. 
 
 The Earls of B 1 and M a, went 
 
 together direflly from the church-yard to the Houfe 
 of Lords ; where the former of thefe noblemen, 
 fpoke plain Englifli, ajid the latter fpoke truth. 
 
 H sL dR y, Efq; was obferved^ to 
 
 laugh feveral times after he left the church, on 
 reading the Epiftle to G. E. H. Efqj with notes by 
 Alderman Faulkner. 
 
 The Right Hon. Anthony Malone. on his re- 
 turn from the Saint, could not recollect the name of 
 a witnefs in a Chancery caufe, in which he had been 
 concerned in the year 1750. 
 
 Sir J s C 1, after leaving the church, 
 
 took down a fpeech of the Prime Serjeant's, in 
 which many of the words were preferved, and not 
 
 above half the fubllance omitted. 
 
 W
 
 The BAT CHE LOR. ai 
 
 W B gh, Efqj debated twice 
 
 in the Houfe of Commons, after having been in the 
 church, and fpoke no treafon, nor was called to 
 order. 
 
 The Lords L le, and B fs who pleaded 
 
 privilege, for being admitted without paying any 
 thing to the door-keeper of St. Michan's, on coming 
 out, gave fix-pence each to a beggar woman with 
 five naked children. The former of thefe Lords on 
 the fame day, threw his old wig into the fire, and 
 the latter made a prefent of his gold cuffs to the 
 play-houfe in Suiock-alley. 
 
 On the fame day, the Earl of Chailemont having 
 been in the church, gave nothing to a poor man who 
 alked charity, and looked over the articles of a 
 tradefman's bill before he paid it. 
 
 The Biftiop of————, on the day of his being 
 at church, eat but of one difli, and not more than 
 nii^ht fuffice two men of moderate appetite. 
 
 The Lord V— — — — t M- is, went Imme- 
 
 diately from the church to the Houfe of Lords, 
 and made but one quotation, and that was to the 
 purpofe. 
 
 In my future letters, you may expedl a continua- 
 tion of the catalogue. 
 
 Z 
 
 No. 5
 
 22 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 NUMBER V. 
 
 Ceptera mendacis, delir amenta catafidPy 
 Ne pueros ipfosy credere pojje rear. 
 
 Claudii Rutilii Iter. 
 
 To the renj. Mr. William Baxter, at Corket 
 
 SI R, 
 
 YOUR too credulous friend, Mr Nicholas 
 Weft, with an air of funplicity and candour, 
 has given you an account of the miracles performed 
 at St. Michan's church. The many inftances fo 
 folemnly authenticated by the minifter and church- 
 wardens, furnifli another fuperflnous proof of the 
 ftrong propenfity of mankind to the extraordinary 
 and miraculous. — Dodlor Lucas was camnijed by 
 the mere vulgar, long before his death, though he 
 was not known by the name of Saint Charles. Some 
 men of parts, learning, and piety, are too much 
 fwayed by party-prejudice, which prevents their 
 examining this matter with a proper degree of atten- 
 tion. For my part, I am concerned for the honour 
 of my native country : by our foollfh credulity, we 
 fliall at laft render ourfelves as ridiculous as the 
 people of England, who readily fwallow any abfur- 
 dity, and implicitly believe either in a Bottle Con- 
 juror, or a Cock-lane Gh<jft, 
 
 The free citizens of Dublin, indeed, are ^o tho- 
 roughly convinced of the miraculous virtue in their 
 Saint's remains, that they have difcontinued a public 
 
 fub-
 
 The BATCHELOR. 25 
 
 lubfcription, which was opened to ere£t a monument 
 to ihe Dodor's memory ; as they were informed by 
 the city chaplain, that no miracles were performed 
 at the Abbe Paris' grave, after it was furrouncied 
 by a wall: they noix) foolifhly fuppofe that govern- 
 ment privately encouraged the fubfcription, for the 
 infidious purpofe of deilroying St. Charles's credit- 
 However, the M. of K. (the late Dodor's noble pu- 
 pil) ftill perfills in his intention of petitioning the 
 Houfe for a fum of money to complete this public 
 fpirited work. — On his being told of the following 
 royal edift, which the King of France had iffued, to 
 put a ftop to the Abbe Paris's miracles. 
 
 ** De par le Roy — Defenfe a Dieut 
 *• Defaire miracles en ce lieuy 
 
 The M. fivore It was arbitrary and illegal, and 
 that if his Excellency L. Townfhend attempted fuch 
 an unconftitutional exertion of prerogative, he 
 would impeach him. Mr. B — gh and Mr. L — g — d 
 promifed to fecond the M.'s motion. 
 
 I beg, fir, you may read Dodtor Conyers Middle- 
 ton, and Mr. Hume : their fceptical philcfophy is 
 the befl: prefervative againft the epidemical taint of 
 fuperdition. The reverend divine laughs at the ftory 
 of St. Polycarpe's leaping out of a (hip, and fwim- 
 ing five or fix hundred leagues, by the fupernatural 
 aid of a holy relic tied about his neck. Yet, this 
 was firmly believed in the piimitlve church j though 
 at prefent the Saint's relic is clafled with Beau 
 Clincher's fwimming girdle. 
 
 I fliall now, fir, examine Mr. Nicholas Weft's 
 miracles, by the celebrated Mr. Hume's maxim : 
 
 «• That
 
 24 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 •* That no teftimony is fufficient to eftablidi a mira- 
 *' cle, unlefs the tefUniony be of fuch a kind, that 
 <' its falfehood would be more miraculous, than the 
 •' fatt which it endeavours to eftablifh." — On this 
 principle, we muft rejeft every miracle in Mr. Weft's 
 pompous catalogue : for is it not more probable 
 that the minifter and churchwardens fhould vouch a 
 
 falfehood, than that Sir W m M — ne fhould 
 
 draw out the table of pence on a ftone in the 
 church-yard, and work a fum in divifion without a 
 miftake ? — Befides, I have conftantly attended the 
 Houfe of Lords and Commons, fince the 9th of 
 November, and cannot perceive the leaft trace of 
 thofe miracles, by any improvement in the minds, 
 manners, or underftandings of the devotees. A mi- 
 raculous cure is always radical ; but if the diforder 
 inmiediaiely returns with double violence, the cheat 
 is apparent. This criterion will effedually difcredit 
 Mr- Weft's teftimony, and enable the reader to trace 
 its falfehood, through all the circumftances of kna- 
 very and political craft which produced it. — It is my 
 ambition to un-nich Saint Charles, and place him in 
 his proper rank, with the Dodors Rowley, Solomon, 
 and Taylor. 
 
 \l y F d, Efq , member of parliament for 
 
 the borough of C n, on the t ith of November, 
 
 (two days after he vifited the church of St. Mi- 
 chan's) fpoke above two hours on the necefllty of 
 granting a fum of money to carry on the Mother 
 Line to the Bog of Allen, in order to fupply the city 
 ■with turf. He folemnly affirmed' that Sir James 
 Lowther would not furniffi any coal from his pits 
 at Whitehaven, under ten pounds a ton. — He alfo 
 accufed Sir George Macartney, and Sir James Low- 
 ther, of being fons-in-law to the Eail of Bute. Mr. 
 
 F.
 
 The BATCHELOR. 25 
 
 F. alfo informed the H — fe, that the Earl o*" Bute 
 was concealed, fince the opening of the felTion, in 
 Mr. George Cockburne's houfe in Granby-row, and 
 that the Earl directed all the venal and corrupt mea- 
 fnres of Lord Townfhend's adminiilralion. 
 
 On the 19th of November, Mr. P. late S— — er, 
 laid his hand on his heart, protefliing he had always 
 adled like a man of honour, fincerity, and veracity j 
 and appealed to the members of the H — fe, parti- 
 cularly to Sir H — ry C difli, for the truth of his 
 
 affertion. 
 
 Sir W m M — ne, Baronet, on the i6th of 
 
 November, loudly complained of the augmentatisn 
 of the troops, by a reJuclion of i 8g men. On the 
 Provoll's pointing out the abfurdity of proving ad- 
 dition, by the rule of fuhtradion. Sir W m ftiH 
 
 averred " he v/as right," and he could maintain it by 
 authentic intelligence from the cabinet. — He accord- 
 ingly read a letter from L. M — ne, intitled, '* An 
 *' exa£l numerical calculation of the number of 
 « Scotch ftone ufed in paving the city of London ; 
 <' and alfo the expence thereof." — On the 20th of 
 November he alfo called for accounts, as foon the 
 H — fe had formed itlelf into the Committee of fup- 
 
 ply I iV. B. He is not better of his Scotch accent, 
 
 though by Mr. Wedderbourne's advice he applied 
 to Mr. Sheridan, who has reported him incurable to 
 the D. of L. 
 
 On the 20th of November, the Earls of B — — nt 
 and M — ra, fpoke in the H. of L — ds on the Privi- 
 lege-bill. The E. of B. faid, " The Penultimate, if 
 " not the ultimate annihilation of their concatenated 
 <' immunities, had inRantaneoufly eff^rvefced a re- 
 C " fufciiaiion,
 
 26 The B A T C II E L O R. 
 
 * fufcitation, and regeneration of his plafllc Intel- 
 . leas." The E. of M— ra, F. R. S. protefted, 
 
 * There was no neceflity for paffing fuch a bill, as 
 ' there was not a fingle /hilling due by the L — ds or 
 ' C- ns to the tradcfmen of Dublin ; he hini- 
 
 * felf having carefully examined all their books that 
 
 * very morning." — Let the public tioiju judge. 
 Whether the one fpeaks plain Englifh, or the other 
 truth ? 
 
 The Lord Vifcount M — t — ifs, on the 14th of 
 
 November, feconded Lord B nt's motion, for 
 
 laying all the public accounts before the H — fe, 
 and concluded his fpeech with this line from Lilly's 
 grammar : 
 
 " Nomen non crefcens, penultima^ftt genitmi.^* 
 
 H. L. R ey, Efq; was examined by the Col- 
 lege of Phyficians, who were unanimoufly of opini- 
 on, that he was born without any rifiblt mufcles : 
 his grinning when he cries, was the only foundation 
 for the miracle. 
 
 Lord Charlemount, the day after the funeral, of- 
 fered to fettle an annual ftipend of 100 1. on St. 
 Charles's family : he alfo ordered ten guineas to a 
 tradefman, above the amount of his bill, on being 
 told that his wife was in labour, and his children ia 
 the fmall-pox. 
 
 After infinite pains, I found out the two beggar- 
 vromcn v/ith five naked children, who were charita- 
 bly relieved by the Lords L — fle and B — ng — fs. 
 They complained to me that both the fixpences 
 were counterfeits.— There v,-as a hole in each, and 
 
 I have
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 27 
 
 I have fince found out, that they were nailed to the 
 counter of a (hop in Skinner-row, and were purchaf- 
 ed by the noble peers for two-pence. I fent the poor 
 wretches to Lord L — lie ; he threutened to fummon 
 them before the H — fe, for a breach of privilege, 
 and bid them remember the sld bathing- iMoman at the 
 Black-rock. Lord L — fle aftually threw his wig into 
 the fire that morning, but inftantly repented of his 
 rafhncfs, and fnatched it out before a fingle curl was 
 
 confumed He then carried it to Plunket-ftreet, 
 
 and fold it for g^d. Lord B — ng fs alfo fold 
 
 his gold cuffs to the manager of Smock-alley theatre, 
 for half a crown, and laft night I faw them worn by 
 one of the candle-fnuffers, in a proceflion. 
 
 You fee, my dear fir, on what a weak foundation 
 the belief of thefe miracles depends — To undeceive 
 the public, and check the growth of fuperftilion and 
 error, is my fole motive for addrefllng you on this 
 very important occalion. 
 
 Believe me, reverend fir, yours, &c. 
 Z PETER SCEPTIC. 
 
 NUMBER VI. 
 
 ■Credat Judteus apella lion ego. 
 
 HOR. 
 
 T(? Jeoffp.y Wagstaffe, Efq; 
 S I R, 
 
 IH A V E read with great difpleafure, the feveral 
 unjuft reflexions you have been pieafed to call 
 Oil that refpedaye fct of philofophers, called Free- 
 ^ 2 thinkers.
 
 2« The BATCHELOR. 
 
 thinkers. I hope this letter will prevent any further 
 ftridtures on them. — The public have heard but one 
 fide of the queftion from ) ou ; let them alfo hear 
 what I have to fay, and I will then fubmlt to their 
 judgment. 
 
 You accufe us of being bad citizens, and weak 
 reafoners, becaufe we deny a future ftate ; and con- 
 clude that death puts a final period to our exiftence. 
 By calling us weak reafoners, I fuppofe you mean, 
 •that we cannot produce cogent and fatisfa£tory rea- 
 fons for what we affert fo dogmatically. Now, fir, 
 I need not inform you, that knowledge may be either 
 acquired by intuition or demonftration ; the latter 
 method we leave to fuch divines as Clarke and Le- 
 land, for we conclude that a weak caufe wants moil 
 arguments tofupportit: but are of opinion, that 
 the principles of our philofophy, are clear and felf- 
 evident, and, if a peifon has not quicknefs enough 
 to apprehend the truth of them at once, we fet him 
 down as a dunce. 
 
 Thus all our knowledge on this fubjecl, being 
 intuitizie, that is, attained without any pains or ftu- 
 dv, we are not fo liable to miftakes, as ihofe who 
 acquire it by a long feries of reafoning ; and confe- 
 quently we may rely on it with more confidence. 
 The firft charge againll us, you fee, is eafily anfwer- 
 edj let us now proceed to the fecond. 
 
 You call us had citizens, for attempting to free 
 men from all hopes and fears of a future ftate, tho' 
 it be the only ftrong, univerfal, and moft effectual 
 motive to excite them to virtue, and reftrain them 
 from vice. This, indeed, is fpeciou fly urged ; but 
 the beft way of anfvvering it is, by proving that we 
 
 '' ferve
 
 :e 
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 29. 
 
 ferve the community by doing fo : — For in all coun- 
 tries where fuch a fuperftitious notion prevails, 
 thofe who are fincerely religious, truft too much to 
 the influence which they fuppofe it has over others, 
 as they erroneoufly judge from their own feelings : 
 this gives unbelieving hypocrites a great advantag 
 over the credulous part of mankind, but if it was 
 once abolifhed, every one would be on a level ; none 
 would be cheated by relying on another's confer- 
 ence } by this means, mutual confidence, that inlet 
 to fraud and impofture, would be, in a great mea- 
 fure, banifhed from fociaty, 
 
 Befides, the belief of a future (tate detaches peo- 
 ple too much from the things of this world, and 
 makes them on many occafions indifferent about it. 
 Now, as our philofopy precludes any fuch whims, 
 men will become more anxious about their manner 
 of exifting here, and eager to acquire a fhare of the 
 profits and pleafures of the world : this will make 
 them patriots in the true'fenfe of the word ; men 
 who will ftick at no means of attaining riches and 
 honours \n their country, only that they may have a 
 ftronger inducement to love it j and I'am convinced 
 that this very patriotifiii, fo common at prefent, is 
 moftly owing to the prevalence of our philofophical 
 tenets among the higher ranks. 
 
 Monlefque, indeed, afcribes the fpeedy decline of 
 the Roman empire, to the do£trine of Epicurus ; this 
 you may think a triumphant proof of its deftrutfive 
 tendency. — But for that very reafon, we fhould con- 
 fider how much the world is obliged to this philofo- 
 phy, for haftening the fall of an avaricious and 
 haughty republic, which had enflaved and plunder- 
 ed a]l mankind. Thus the fagacious Frenchman's 
 C 3 remark,
 
 3a The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 remark, turns out the higheft pnnegyric on our great 
 philofopher ; and it neceflarily follows, thai we are 
 at prefent indebted to him for our liberty and con- 
 ftitution ; for if the Roman power had continued, 
 we Ihould flill have retained a paultry province, af- 
 figned as a fpoil to fome rapacious governor. 
 
 I am furprized, Mr. Wagftaffe, as you feem to 
 have fome tafte, that you are not one of us. Read 
 Lucretius without prejudice, and I am fure he'll 
 convert you. How finely does he account for the 
 formation of the world, by the jumbling of atoms.* 
 The earth, fays he, aifo, formerly produced men as 
 it did cabbages, and left fome fceptic fliould a(k why 
 it did not do fo ftiil ? he immediately fubjoins the 
 reafon, and prevents any objedlion that might be. 
 drawn from-H by faying, that flie is grown impotent 
 from age. 
 
 ^uare etiam atque et'tam maternum femtn adepfa 
 Terra tenet merito, quoniam genus ipfa creavit 
 O m ne- 
 
 Sed quiafinem aliquem pariendi debet habere, 
 Dejiitity ut mulier fpatie defejfa 'vetiijlo. 
 
 Lucret. book 5th. 
 
 I cannot conclude without taking notice of a mif- 
 take you have fallen into, by ranking Rofleau and 
 Voltaire in the fame clafs. Rofleau is but a poor 
 fceptic, and I believe fcarce knows himfelf, whether 
 he is a Chriftian or not. He maintains the immor- 
 tality of the foul, and as the diflbelief of it is the 
 grand hinge on which our whole fyftem turns, we 
 are not yet determined whether to honour him with 
 the title of philofopher, or lUgmalize him with the 
 
 name
 
 The B ATCHELOR. 31 
 
 name of a believer. He refembles a bat, which fome 
 naturalifts reckon a bird, and others a beafl. Voltaire 
 is our champion and favourite, and his writings 
 prove that " ridicule is the teft of truth." He has 
 done us great fervice by his gibes and farcafms, and 
 gained many to our fide. Reafoning, you will fay, is 
 not his talent ! True ; but he does much better 
 without it. He ftrikes the fancy with wit and ridi- 
 cule, turns mens heads, without giving them time 
 for refledlion, and fo draws them into his fyflem at 
 once. He afts like the fox, who runs round with 
 his tail in his mouth, to make the heads of fowl 
 giddy, and decoy them from the rooft. 
 
 I am, fir, yours, &c. 
 
 Y ARISTIPUS* 
 
 NUMBER VII. 
 
 IMITATION of the 25th Ode of the \Ji Book of 
 Horace. 
 
 Parcius junilas quatiunt feneflrasy 
 Idibus crebris jwuenes protervit i^c. 
 
 To the right hon. J n P n by. 
 
 I. 
 
 NOW fcarce a hack around thee waits, 
 No pliant courtiers crowd thy gates, 
 Their rufty hinges peaceful lie ; 
 
 C 4 All
 
 32 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 All Townfhend's riling power purfue, 
 All caft a fcornful glance at you. 
 And eager to the Caflile fly. 
 
 II. 
 
 No more, alas f you now fliall hear, 
 ** Make me a bifhop, me a peer, 
 " To me a fmecure afford : 
 " Grant me a good fnug place for life, 
 *' Grant me a penfion for my wife, ^ 
 
 *' Or feat me at the linen board. 
 
 in. 
 
 ♦• Firm to your intereft I remain, 
 " For your conftftency difdain, 
 
 " My friendfiiip then you cannot doubt 
 " As you change fides, fo I change dill, 
 " Like you I pafs the money bill, 
 
 " Like you, offended, throw it cut." 
 
 IV. 
 
 O ! P — n — by you toil in vain, 
 By partial arts, new dupes to gain, 
 
 Fallen, fallen, to rife no more : 
 Thy foes degraded to embrace, 
 To count the houfe with anxious face. 
 
 Of watch the members at the door. 
 
 Now doom'd each corner to explore, 
 Of coffee-houfe, or Corredore, 
 
 To catch fome draggling patriot there : 
 (Like old Magill unfpoil'd by gin,) 
 
 Now
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 33 
 
 Now hum bled to a whipper-in, 
 YcnpHWiityour abdicated chair. 
 
 VI. 
 
 To Conftitution club retreat, 
 There only you can now be great, 
 
 For liberty tbere loudly roar : 
 
 With B ch and Ag in nightly fit i 
 
 Like Lucas hug each faQious cit, 
 
 And rail at jobbs you plan'd before. 
 
 VII. 
 
 Your coach of ftate fo long difplay'd. 
 Your golden gown for birth-days made, 
 
 No more to gaping crowds you'll fiiew 'em ; 
 No more thefe ufelefi trophies keep. 
 To P ry fell them, foon and cheap, 
 
 Or down the rapid LifFey throw 'em. 
 
 NUMBER VIII. 
 
 -Dein Gnatia lymphis 
 
 Iratis extrucia dedit rifufque jocojque, 
 Dum fiammis fine thura liqiiefcere limine facro 
 Perfuadere ciipit. Credat 'Judceus Appellay 
 Non ego. • 
 
 OUINCTILIAN recommends mathematics to- 
 the ftudy of an orator, as the beft means of 
 teaching him to argue with precifion and accuracy. 
 A celebrated French philofopher alfo recommends 
 C 5 this
 
 34 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 this noble fcience as the mod cfFe£tual metliod of 
 gradually eradicating every fpecies (nflfel^pl^) of 
 iuperftilion. For the mind, by proceeding with cer- 
 tainty in each link of a propofuion, till the demon- 
 ftration Is evident, acquires a habit of reafoning, and 
 examining every principle, and not aflenting to it 
 without lufficient grounds. And, indeed, we may 
 obferve, that credulity and fuperdition, have leall 
 effeft, where mathematical philofophy has made the 
 greateft progiefs : witchcraft, particularly, is now 
 almoft totally baniihed, even from the Highlands, and 
 is chiefly confined to Norway and Lapland. To 
 take a comparative view, even of the manners of 
 the Seventeenth century, and our own, what an amaz- 
 ing change fliall we find ! This is the way to form 
 a juft Idea of our fuperior happinefa in many ref- 
 pedts. 
 
 There is at prefent extant, the trial of Cix perfons 
 for witchcraft, at Lancaller, in the year 1636. They 
 were all capitally convicted, and the judge in his 
 charge to the jury, fays, " that the evidence againft 
 •* them was fo clear, confident and pofuive, that 
 ** there could be no doubt of their guilt." 
 
 Biihop* Jortin, In a fermon preached before Qiieerr 
 Elizabeth, laments the wickednefs of the land, and 
 prophetically exclaims, " that certainly the judge- 
 «• ments of God would fpecdily be executed on it, in 
 «< an exemplary manner, for the heinous crimes of 
 *' many of the people in praftifing witchcraft ;" and 
 then recommends the example of fome of the Kings 
 of Ifrael to her Majefty, v^ho did not futfer a wizard 
 to live. Yet the bifliop was a man of parts and 
 
 ♦ Middleton on Mlraclef. 
 
 learning:
 
 the B ATCHE LOR. 3s 
 
 learning : claflical knowledge was never more culti- 
 vated, than at that period : and it is well knowHi 
 that Greek was no ftianger at court in thofe days, 
 and many of the maids of honour were fo well 
 flcilled in it, as to be fufficiently qua.ified for pro- 
 feflbrs. 
 
 In the next feflion, the parliament, to ai'ert the 
 threatened judgement, pi.lfed a fevere a£t agaiafl 
 ■witchcraft. Here we fee the whole legiflature, King, 
 Lords, and Commons, y?oo/> to deftioy a few dealing 
 old women, fufpefted of bewitching a bridegroomj 
 riding to France on a broomftick, and fpoiiing a 
 churning. This adl was only repeated in the reiga 
 of George the firft, tho' long oblolete, from the- 
 niore enlightened manners of the age. 
 
 The memoirs of the Houfe of Brandenburgh men-' 
 lion one perfon, who was tried and executed for 
 witchcraft at Leipfic in the year 1707. But the pre- 
 judice and folly of the judges, was fet in fo ridicu-- 
 lous a light, by the illuftrious Wolfe and Leibnitz, 
 that it put a final flop to fuch ignorance and barbari- 
 ty. Now, if we were only to regard human te.Hiimo-" 
 ny, what doubt could we have of fadls fo confident- 
 ly afTerted, proved by oath in courts of juflice, and' 
 believed by all Europe. Rut fame phllofophers,. 
 men of fuperior reafon and fagacity, found It necef- 
 fary to fix a ftronger criterion than mere popular 
 credulity, for things fo improbable in themfelves. 
 They required an internal proof, thai is, a proof of 
 the ilory drawn from its probability, and rejeded the- 
 ftrongeft human teftimony, without fuch evidence to 
 confirm it : for inflance, if a perfon in thofe days,- 
 fwore he faw another leap over a mouniain, inftcad 
 of difbelieving the witnefs, they burnt the accufed,,- 
 2.S they logically concluded, that he mud have per-- 
 
 foruied-
 
 36 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 formed fuch a feat by fupernatural afliftance ; but 
 never once fufpecSted that it was more probable the 
 llory was a fidion. Yet, by degrees, every body 
 became convinced, that fuch a mode of reafoning 
 was wife andjurt; and the general incredulity on 
 thefe points, foon put a period to the exiftence of 
 witches. 
 
 Since we have been no longer alarmed from this 
 quarter, a late philofophical genius has ftrove to 
 frighten us with ftrange accounts of the wonderful 
 influence which feparate fplrits have over us ; that 
 it is impofTible for the foul and body to fleep, by 
 any effort to make up a dream between them ; and 
 that we are wholly indebted to fome frolickfome fpi- 
 rits, for thefe nofturnal amufeaients. Thus argues, 
 the ingenious and learned author, of an Enquiry into 
 the Nature of the human Soul. Yet I fhould think, 
 fome of our dreams are grofs enough to proceed 
 from mere matter, and may be fairly accounted for, 
 without the agency of immaterial fpirits. Neither 
 will this author allow, that madnefs can proceed 
 from any natural caufe, but afcribes it to the influ- 
 ence of fome malignant fpirit ; " for," fays he, 
 ' there is, indeed, a great difference and variety in 
 
 * the phaenomena of reafon ditlurbed ; but univer- 
 ' fally the difeafe could not be lodged in the foul 
 
 * itfelf ; nor could the matter of the body afFedt it 
 
 * in any other way, than by deadning its activity, 
 
 * which I think is never the cafe in thefe appearan- 
 ' ces. In fhort, the diforder of matter, might 
 ' make a man a ftupid ideot, fubje£l him to fleep, 
 
 * apoplexy, or any thing approaching to its own na- 
 ' ture ; but could never be the caufe of rage, dif- 
 < tradtion, phrenfy, unlefs it were employed as an 
 ' inilrument by fome other caufe; /. e. it cannot of 
 
 •< itfelf
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 3? 
 
 *' itfelf be the caufe of thofe diforders of reafon." 
 Again, " It Is, I think, becaufe the previous ind.fpo- 
 •' fition, generally gives an opportunity to thefe be- 
 " in-TS, to alfeQ the imagination, that the diforder 
 ** of the brain ftands in common difcourfe, for the 
 '^^ confequent trouble, and that we reckon it the ef- 
 *' ficient caufe." 
 
 Thus, it feems, a man's fcull being fractured, can- 
 not be the efficient caufe of his infanity; — it only 
 opens a way for the fpirit thro' the cracks to the 
 brain. — What ftrange whims have the wifeft of men 
 advanced in the progrefs of their metaphyfical enqui- 
 ries ? How few have afted like the fage, and modeft 
 Locke ? I fhall conclude with a definition of this fpe- 
 cies of metaphyfics, by a fenfible and fpirited writer ; 
 — " We take metaphyfics in the degree, to which 
 " they are carried by certain philofophers, to be the 
 " art of talking grave nonfenfe, upon fubjefts which 
 •• lie beyond the reach of human undeiftanding." 
 
 NUM-
 
 3S The B A TCHELOR. 
 
 NUMBER IX, 
 
 See IVhitJield etnptying the pockets 
 
 Of iv — res and haxvds., and gaping throngs i 
 Turning their eyes out of their jackets , 
 
 Singing and felling David's fongs. 
 
 Cp.azy Tales. 
 
 I ALWAYS thought the defign of thefe itene- 
 rant preachers would hecoine apparent to every 
 body ; 1 commend Peter Traffic much for laying his 
 cafe before the public, and am furprized that Mr. 
 Whitfield can iiiew fo little chiiftian charity, as to 
 abufe an honeft trader, becaufe he does not choofe 
 to be a cuckold. I dare fay fome of his fhe difciples 
 would ferve him, as a fet of female enthufiafts did 
 Orpheus, for difcovering the myfteries of their Love 
 Fea.ls. 
 
 Doflor Robertfon obferves, '* That perfons ad- 
 «« difted to fenfuality^ are alio prone to enthufiafm :" 
 the fame temperament which inclines the melting 
 virgin of twenty to love and compliance, roivfes the 
 matron of forty to devotion and fervour for watch- 
 nights, and Mr. Whitfield. Butler takes notice 
 how a vapour, which in its fuperior afcent produces 
 new light and prophecy, in its inferior progrcfs ends 
 in VOAT y praterea nihil. 
 
 " So wind in hypochondria pent, 
 ♦' Is but a blaft if downward fent ;.■ 
 •* But if it upward chance to fly, 
 *• Eecor-ies new light and prophecy." 
 
 The
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 39 
 
 The fentlments of the hiftorlan and poet coincide, and 
 may furnifh various refiedioas to a fpeculative phl- 
 lofopheF. 
 
 I think I have alfo difcovered another reafon why 
 •women, after a certain age, attach themfelves to 
 thele attracting preachers. It is probably to fupply 
 that warmth of paflion which they have loft with 
 their youth, that they fo eagerly imbibe that fpiritual 
 cantharides with which thefe holy men replenifh 
 them ; who, no doubt, feel a peculiar fatisfaftion in 
 quickening the fervency of the fpirit through the 
 medium of the flefh, as ftirring a fire at the bottom 
 makes it blaze at top. 
 
 It has been always the aim of thefe gCEtry, to 
 ingratiate themfelves with the women j they are 
 commonly lufty, athletick fellows, with florid com- 
 plexions, and lirong lungs. I never knew an old, 
 fpindle-fiianks fellow among thera, who was in the 
 leaft regarded. You will fee them fwell and exert 
 themfelves, when furrounded by their female audi- 
 ence ; and their red faces, and fable apparel, put 
 one in mind of a black turkey-cock, who pays ad- 
 diefles to his feragllo, by ftrutiing and jabbering. 
 
 Is it not clear, by their choofing to ailemble at 
 night, that their defigns cannot be quite fo innocent 
 as they reprefent them ? All the enthufiafts of old 
 chofe the gloom of night to celebrate their orgies 
 but 
 
 Nox y avtour 'vlnumgue iiihil rnoderahile fuaJent 
 - Pudsre vacate nox IJ a>?tiorqut metu : 
 
 Swaddling
 
 40 The BATCH ELOR. 
 
 Swaddling and zeal the female troop enflame, 
 And friendly night extinguifhes all Ihaine ; 
 The fervent kifs, the high-flufht matron taftes, 
 They watch and pray, and blefs nodurnal feafts. 
 
 But thefe, indeed, are only fome of their harmlefs 
 gambols ; they have been of infinite prejudice to fo- 
 ciety in other refpe6ts, efpecially in England, where 
 the people in general are of a nieJancholy and gloo- 
 niy dil'pofition, owing to the large quantities of beef 
 and pudding they eat, and the joint effect of a thick 
 and heavy atmofphere. Now, Whitfield and his 
 followers, have artfully taken advantage of this cha- 
 rafteriftical turn in the people, and in order to fliew 
 themfelves powerful preachers, have drawn the moft 
 frightful pidlure of religion, and drove numbers to 
 defpair, which commonly ends in fuicide and mad- 
 nefs. Such defponding doftrines are not calculated 
 for a phlegmatic generation; — it is like tying lead 
 to the heels of a perfon who cannot fwim, and who 
 is juft ready to fink without any additional incum- 
 brance. 
 
 I have already obferved, that fuicide has encreaf- 
 ed by the propagation of Whitfield's tenets : 1 muft, 
 however, do him thejuftice to acknowledge, that 
 population has been advanced by the fame means, 
 which inclines me to think that it is a principle with 
 this fe(St, to bring as many into the world as they 
 fend out of it. They refemble vipers, who carry 
 poifon in their heads, and oil in their tales, as an an- 
 tidote againft it. 
 
 Befides, the arts they ufe on many occafions, to 
 extend the domijiions of grace, are bale and difiige- 
 
 nuous :
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 41 
 
 nuous : they hire their own followers to pelt and 
 abufe them, and at the next gathering together of the 
 godly, complain how they have been bufFetted for 
 Chrift's fake, and thus extort the pity and pence of 
 their deluded auditors. 
 
 They earneftly pray for perfecution, as they very 
 v;ell know, that in all ages and countries it has only 
 increafed the fe£t it meant to fupprefs ; like deftroy- 
 ing a wart by amputation, which propagates others 
 fram its blood. 
 
 I really think it is the duty of every lover of his 
 country, to expofe thefe fpiritual volunteers to con- 
 tempt and derifion. I fhall juft mention an anecdote, 
 which proves that Peter Traffic's complaints 
 are juft. — A celebrated young preacher in the 
 North, (who had fignalized himfelf as much as Moll 
 Walker) was obliged in a certain diforder, to fubmit 
 to that operation, which the Italians deem abfolutely 
 requifite for a fine finger. On this misfortune, his 
 ungrateful female difciples, one and all, denied and 
 deferted him j and though his voice was more tu- 
 nable, the jades would not even condefcend to hear 
 him fing pfalms; and the poor fellow was obliged to 
 give up his ghoftly calling. This ftory needs no com- 
 ment ; but left Mr. Whitfield fhould fay it is a fi(5li- 
 on, I now tell him that it is well known at Strabane, 
 where it happened, as hundreds there can teftify,— ^ 
 let him difprove it if he can. 
 
 It is Inconceivable what mifchief thefe vagrant 
 preachers have already done in the kingdom : I fhall 
 mention but one extraordinary inftance at prefent. — 
 In the late infurreflions of the Oak Boys, a hymn 
 was found in the pocket of a Jefuit, who was fent 
 
 OR
 
 42 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 on a million from St. Audoen's-arch, and pafTed for a 
 Muggletonian preacher : the ftyle and fentlment* 
 will convince the public that it mud have been com- 
 pofed by fome of that fraternity, to foment riots and 
 ledition among the " giddy, niifled, unthinking po- 
 *' pulace." 
 
 I /liail conclude with a few felcfl ftanzas from It, 
 which fliew their principles and defigns in the ftrong- 
 fte light. It feems to have been intended for aa 
 unitation of the firft pfalm» 
 
 I. 
 
 The man is bleft who never hear* 
 
 A parifli bell refound ; 
 Nor fees the whore of Babylon, 
 
 In furplice, band, or gown. 
 
 II. 
 
 Our trees (hall bring forth pleafant fruity 
 
 Our corn untyth'd (hall ftand ; 
 Ev'n fo all things fiiall profper well, 
 
 That Oak-Boys take in hand. 
 
 HI. 
 
 No human learning, Lord ! we hoaff, 
 
 But grace does that furpafs! 
 Then ope our mouths, and make us fpeak, 
 
 As thou didft Balaam's afs ! 
 
 IV. 
 
 The walls of Jericho, O Lord! 
 Obey'd thy trumpet's found ; 
 
 When
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 43 
 
 When Jofhua gave the facred blafl. 
 They fell unto the ground. 
 
 So let the walls of Derry fall. 
 
 When with our horns we call ; 
 The clergy then we'll quickly take. 
 
 And flay the priefts of Baah 
 
 VI. 
 
 Millenium days we foon fhall fee, 
 (Then down with tythe and teft j) 
 
 For Chrift alone fhall be our king, 
 And all thy Sabts have reft. 
 
 Y 
 
 NUM-
 
 44 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 NUMBER X. 
 
 In ^ain to defarts thy retreat is made ; 
 The mufe attends thee to thyjilentjhade : 
 'Tis hers, the bra^ve man's lutefi Jieps to trace., 
 Rejudge his ads and dignify difgrace. 
 When inter efl calls off all her Jneaking train. 
 And all the obliged defer t, and all the ■vain • 
 Thro fortune'' s cloud one truly great nue fee. 
 
 Nor fear to tell that P y is he. 
 
 Pope. 
 
 To the Rt. H ble J P- — y, Efq. 
 
 S I R, 
 
 MORALISTS and fage politicians have expa- 
 tiated largely on the inllability of court fa- 
 vour : you, fir, have experienced the truth of their 
 obfervations. Wow ungratefully have you been 
 treated for all your paft fervices ! The public are 
 pretty well acquainted with your character, but from 
 my particular efteem and regard for you, 1 fhall di- 
 vulge fome anecdotes that muft do you honour, and 
 which, from a laudible modefty, you have induftri- 
 oufly concealed. 
 
 I am vexed to fee you reduced to a private ftation, 
 and no longer prefiding at that board where your abi- 
 lities fhined fo confpicuous. As a patriot, it muft 
 give me the deepeft concern, to fee you deprived 
 of that influence, which you fo wifely exerted in fo 
 many borough'5 and counties for the good of your 
 country. How many freeholders have you relieved 
 
 by
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 45 
 
 by generoufly penfioning them on the c — ft — ms, and 
 indulged with receiving the profits of their employ- 
 ments, without obliging them to fubmit to the fa- 
 tigue of the duty. 
 
 Superficial obfervers, fii, have afcribed your late 
 patriotic conduct to fpleen and dilkppointed ambiti- 
 on. They fay, that pcnfionsy titlesy and re'verfionsy 
 were tlie only objects you had in view. — That you 
 were piqued at the refidence of a chief governor, as 
 it deprived you of all hopes of becom'ng one of the 
 illuftrious trium^virate which long governed this 
 kingdom with io much hououi ; and that your oppofi- 
 tion to the court fprung from the mod feifilh and for- 
 did motives. 
 
 But thefe fpecious objeclions are eafily confuted. 
 Even allowing that you propofed very extraordinary 
 terms for your compliance with adminillration, I am 
 fure.fir, jou only did fo, that they might be rejected 
 with fcorn, and that you might have a reafonable 
 apology for difplaying thofe noble principles of in- 
 tegrity and difintereftednefs, which always glowed in 
 your bofom, though you had concealed them fo in- 
 duftrioufly for many years, that even your moft in- 
 timate friends never once fufpe£led you had the leall 
 idea of them. You afted, fir, like Brutus in Tar- 
 quin's court: he afFeded folly, to fccurc himfelf from 
 the jealous rage of a tyrant j and you only affumed 
 the corrupt manners of a courtier, to gain prefer- 
 ment. 
 
 Befides, though you had really intended to fupport 
 the meafures of adminiftration, if your terms had 
 been accepted, you ftill fhewed a high d -gree of 
 virtue in demanding fuch extravagant ones. You 
 
 meant
 
 46 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 meant to convince the public how fincerely you lov- 
 ed your country, by requiring fuch a bribe to betray 
 it ; for certainly a man efteems a thin^ in proportion 
 to the price he fets on it. 
 
 Your enemies, fir, have accufed you with want of 
 fpirit ; I am furprized at fuch a calumny. You lately 
 gave a mod convincing proof of your intrepidity 
 in the Houfe of Commons. You were hardy e- 
 nough to deny a charge, though the evidence of 
 your own hand writing was againft you. A Jefs 
 zealous friend than I am, might be puzzled to de- 
 fend you: but I can perceive the rettitude of your 
 intentions, even in your deviating from truth. It 
 was in the glorious caufe of liberty, fir, that you for 
 once condefcended to fwerve from that nice and de- 
 licate fenfe of honour, which you have conftantly 
 preferved. An inviolable attachment to your word, 
 a rare quality in a ftatefman ! was one of thofe pecu- 
 liarities for which I always admired you. But I 
 candidly acknowledge, that I efteem you the more 
 for giving up this fhining charafteriftic, for the fer- 
 vice of your country. In that eafe, fir, a private 
 vice becomes a public benefit; and it is equally true 
 in politics, as in morals, that the end jullihes the 
 means. 
 
 A perfon of your quick fenfibility, mufl; have fuf- 
 fered feverely on (uch a trying occafion. You then 
 had virtue enough to refign the charader of an hon- 
 eft man, to attain the nobler name of a patriot. The 
 greater the facrifice, the more your country is in- 
 debted to you. 
 
 As Speaker of the Houfe of Commons, you 
 have gained univerfal applaufe. You were refolved 
 
 to
 
 The BATCHELOR. 47 
 
 to ftock that honourable aiTembly with patriots, and 
 therefore in contefted eledions, you nobly rejefted ^ 
 fome members who bad an undoubted majority of 
 votes, and would only admit thofe who promifed to 
 fupport your intereft, and the conftitution of their 
 country, as thofe terras are fynonimous. 
 
 Some people are amazed, how you could main- 
 tain fuch an influence in the Houfe, with that 
 fmall ftock of natural abilities which they invidi- 
 cufly allow you. But what they malignantly defiga 
 as a reproach, turns out the higheft compliment. If 
 you were endued with fuperior parts and fhining a- 
 biiities, the phoenomenon would be eafily accounted 
 for. Your merit, fir, is the greater, as you have 
 been able to efFeft fuch grand things by flender 
 means : a general who conquers with a fmall force, 
 acquires greater glory than if his troops were more 
 confiderable. 
 
 Your enemies, fir, alfo accufe you of having de- 
 ferted your grand ally on the Augmentation Bill; 
 but they do not confider, that, like Shakefpear's apo- 
 thecary, your toill ne=ver confented. You were juft- 
 \y apprehenfive of lofing your employment, and that 
 is a fufficient apology. 
 
 Give me leave, fir, to lament with you, the de- 
 generacy of my countrymen : I long ago expedled 
 that the whole kingdom would have been in a 
 flame ; that petitions and -remonftrances would have 
 been fent up from all quarters. What can be the 
 reafon of this fupinenefs? Are they bafe enough to 
 imagine that you defign to imitate our memorable 
 patriots of 1753. The condud of thefe men has 
 been of the utmoft prejudice to this kingdom. It 
 
 has
 
 48 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 has made every Irifliman a Sceptic, they doubt the 
 very exiftence of patriotifin. They caiiiiol be per- 
 fuaded to think their rights and privileges in danger, 
 becaufe a Money Bill was originated in the council, 
 as it has been the ufual mode of proceeding for two 
 
 or three hundred years. But the abfurdity of 
 
 fuch a cunclufion is evident. For at different peri- 
 ods, the fame thing may have quite different effects : 
 You, fir, were convinced of the truth of this maxim. 
 In 1 761 you fupported the very meafure which you 
 have fince difcovered to be fubverfive of the confli- 
 tulion. You have obferved fomething dangerous in 
 that tyranic Icheme, which you have not as yet 
 thought proper to dilclofe. Probably, fir, you are 
 apprehenfive of throwing the nation into ferments. 
 You have aQed like a (kilful phyfician, who con- 
 ceals the danger of the patient's cafe, lefT: the difco- 
 very might terrify him too much. 
 
 // is ttoto time, fir, to mention a circumfJance 
 •which mujl render you extremely popular in this 
 kingdom. As you ferefaiv ivith your ufual fagacity, 
 the necejjity and propriety of a land tax, you prudent- 
 ly refolnjed to infert a claufe in every neiu leafe 
 •which paffed through your hands, in order to thro'w 
 the burthen on the tenant, ivithout diminijhing the 
 landlord's rent-roll. One gentleman, indeed, after 
 his leafe ivas perfe£led, fufpeded the legality of fuch 
 a claufe, and ivas rajh enough to confult tiuo eminent 
 laiuyers on the point. Their opinions chanced to coin- 
 cide, and were entirely in his fa'uour. Tho' you, fir, 
 •were acquainted 'with their fenliments, you paid no 
 regard to them, hut fleadily refolded to purfue your 
 plan, and accordingly ferved this refradory tenant 
 •with an ejedment. He took defence, and you then 
 ctmmenced a fuit againfl him ; but as you wtre al- 
 
 njuays
 
 The B A !• C H E L O R. 49 
 
 T.vffys tcu/ler of your reputation, and ivouJd rather 
 lofe your right than your popularity, yrjii popped all 
 proceedings at the heginniug of this fe£ion. 
 
 This was a fine example for the landed gentrv ; 
 they owe you particular obligations for that maf- 
 terly ftroke of politics, perhaps you were induced to 
 take this ftep, by obferving how the infolence of thg 
 Yoemanry was increafed by the 09;'enial Bill, and 
 probably you contrived this latter fcheine to coun- 
 teiaft the pernicious effects of it. 
 
 Perfevere, fir, in your patriotifm, and though you 
 fhould never more fill fuch an honourable and lucra- 
 tive employment, as firft Commiliioner of the reve- 
 nue, I know you will be rejoiced to find your place 
 fupplied by a perfon generally efreemed your fuperior, 
 both in integrity and abilities. You will then refem- 
 ble that illulirious Greek, who was a candidate to be 
 enrolled in the band of heroes that fell at 7"hermopy- 
 jge, and on being reje£led, thanked the Gods " There 
 '* were (o many better men in Sparta." 
 
 I have thus, fir, taken fome pains to vindicate youc 
 character and condu6t, from every illiberal afpesfion. 
 I thought it more elfentially requlfite kt this time, as 
 v/ith infinite regret, I find mbtl people too 9.^ to 
 Oredit ihofe invidious farcafms. 
 
 I always confi.dered you as a mo{t amaxing per- 
 fon. You are a laceiious companion, without bor- 
 ro'.ving the leaft alfiftance from either wit or hu- 
 mour. You prefide wuh equal dignity in the 
 houfe, and at the head of a pack of hounds ; and 
 your eloquence is equally adapted for cither. The 
 fame verfatile genius made Alcibiades fo extraordi- 
 nary a perlbnage. k is my boaft to have firft dif- 
 ^ covered
 
 50 The B A T C II E L O R. 
 
 covered and pointed out a refemblance between 
 you. Others may have courted you in the funfliine 
 of your power ; in your fall I addrefs you : 
 
 and am, fir, yours, &c. 
 
 P H O C I O N. 
 
 NUMBER X. 
 
 AS tMs defence of Mr. P. appeared in tne Free- 
 man a few days after Phocion's hi ll: letter- ; — to 
 <j.o that gentleman impartial juftice,;/ is inferted here. 
 
 To the COMMITTEE for c<viduaing the 
 FREE-PRESS. 
 
 CrEJJTLEMEN, 
 
 In a letter addrefled to the right hon. J 
 
 P' , Efq; inferted in the Mercury o^ Sa- 
 turday March 24th, I have feen a fcandalous falfc 
 and malicious paragraph, highly refleding on one 
 of the firft men in this kingdom : It is as follows. 
 
 *' It is now time, fir, tb mention a circumflance 
 " which muft render you extremely popular in 
 *' this kingdom. As you forefaw with your ufual 
 ** fagaclty, the necelfity and propriety of a land-tay, 
 *' you prudently refolved to infert a claufe in every 
 *' new leafe which pafled through your hands, in or- 
 *' der to throw the burthen ou the tenant, vvitho-ut di- 
 *' minifiiing the landlord's rent-roll. One gentlen.afl, 
 *» indeed, after his leafe was perfected, fufpeded the 
 *< legality of fuch a claufe, and was ra(ij enough to 
 *< C9nfult two eminent lawyers on the point. Their 
 
 •' opinions
 
 The B ATCHELOR. 51 
 
 *< op!nioi\3 chanced to coincide, and were entirely in 
 " his favour. The' you, fir, were acquainted with 
 *' their fentiments, you paid no regard to them, but 
 ♦* fteadily refolved to purfue your point, and accor- 
 " dingly ferved this refaftory tenant with an eje(5l- 
 " ment. He took defence, and you then commenc- 
 •< ed a fuit againfl: him j but as you were always 
 ♦* tender of your reputation, and would rather lo''^ 
 " your right than your popularity, you flopped all 
 *' proC'Cedings at the begining of this fellion." 
 
 It would be juft fufficient to fay, that not aiinsrle 
 circumftance of this matter in the lead afFeds Mr. 
 
 P y. The difpute was entirely confined co 
 
 Mr. Bayley the tenant, and Mr. Langrifhe, agent to 
 Lord Besfborough. Mr. Ponfonby was not at all 
 concerned in the tranfadion. Yet this flory Is art- 
 fully drefled up to blafl: that gentleman's chara6ler 
 among the independent fret-holders. Mr. Bayley 
 cannot have effrontery enough to deny, that he 
 holds the leafe (in which that claufe is inferted) un- 
 der Lord Besfborough. I am well acquainted with 
 the litigiotis temper of Mr. Bayley) but ftill I do 
 not think hiai capable of propagating fuch a falfe- 
 hood. 
 
 Give me leafe to add that the very fame claufe Is 
 inferted in all the Duke of Devonfhire's leafes ; 
 in the Duke of Dorfet's ; in all the late Lord 
 Burlington's and in many other gentlemen'.? of this 
 country, nor was the tenantry in the leaft alaimed 
 at it. How fhameful then is it to publilh a notori- 
 ous falfehood in regard to Mr. Ponfonby, and to raife 
 jealoufies and fufpicions among the people on fuch 
 felfe grounds; through the meaneft, infignificant, 
 hired, anonymous fcribler, efpecially when fuch a 
 D z claufe
 
 52 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 •bull- Is neiiher unufual, nor illegal ; for furely the 
 panics may agree to any terms they think proper, 
 and what can be a ftronger proof of this agreement, 
 than the leafe being perfe(aed, that is figned, fealed, 
 and wjtnelfcd. 
 
 Your inferting this, will oblige, gentlemen, your 
 •Dnftant reader, 
 
 HONESTUS. 
 
 — ■ ' -zEro rarijfi)mi nojlro 
 Simplicitai Vi R G . 
 
 To Jeofpry Wagstaffe, Efq. " 
 
 SI R, 
 
 IN a letter figned Honeftus, which was publlflied 
 in the Freeman ; Mr. Bayley is charged with 
 being Jttigious, and fome hints thrown out to hurt 
 his character. I therefore think It incumbent on me, 
 as Mr. Bayley's friend, to give the public the parti- 
 culars of his cafe, properly authtnticated. — I am alfb 
 very well fatisiied that Mr. Bayley knew nothing of 
 inlerling that paragraph in the Mercury, which Ho- 
 neftus undertook to anfwer. 
 
 In April 1767, Mr. Bayley, agreed with the 
 late Robert Langriihe, Efqj for the leafe of a 
 farm in the county of Carlow, at the rent of 60I. 
 per ann, ivilkout any fpecial conditions being menti- 
 omd. Soon after, Mr. Langrilhe went to England, 
 and returned with the faid leafe and many others, 
 executed by Lord Befboroguh, and witneifed by Mr. 
 Langrilhe, and his clerk Mr. Walfh, in order to 
 have them perfected by the refpedtive tenants, who 
 
 all
 
 Tlie B ATCHELOR. 53 
 
 all executed them without making any objeiStions ; 
 Mr. Bayley alio imprudently did the fame, under 
 the followinjr circumftances. 
 
 Mr. Walfli, called on Mr. Bayley, ^ufl as he 
 was going to dine abroad, and prefled him to exe- 
 cute the leafe immediately, to v^'hich Mr. Bayley 
 objefled, by laying he had not time to read and 
 compare the counterparts. However, at Mr. 
 Walfli's preffing inftances, he confented, and ac- 
 cordingly figned them without further exanunation, 
 ■on Mr. Walfn's alfuring him, " there was no- 
 " thing unufual in the printed part of the leafe." 
 But Mr, Bayley had the precaution to lock, up 
 both parta, till his return with Mr. WalOi in the 
 evening : he then took out the ieafe to read and 
 compare it with Mr. Walfli. When he came 
 to the following claufe, he immediately faid he 
 could not fu^mii to it. It is as foUovv's. 
 
 *' That the faid Arthur Bayley, Efq; his heits 
 *' and aingns, fhall pay to Lord Befborough, his heirs 
 "and afligns, the faid referved yeaily rent of 60 L 
 *' fterli.ng, on the days herein appointed for the pay- 
 " ment hereof, and alfo, pay, bear, and difcharge, 
 *' over and above the faid yearly rent, all taxes, af- 
 " fefsments, fubfiiies, or other impofitions, of u'hat 
 " nature or kind foever, impofed, or to be impofed, 
 " on the faid demifed premifes, or on the faid re- 
 " fernjed yearly rent, or on th^ faid Lord Bejlorough, 
 ♦' his heirs and afligns, by reafon or means thereof, 
 " by parliament or otherwife, crov.m-rent and quit- 
 *' rem only e.Kcepted, as aforefard." 
 
 M. Bayley inftantly perceived the pernicious 
 
 tendency of this claufe, which would fubjecl the 
 
 D 3 tcnanjry
 
 54 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 tenantry of this kingdom, already too much opprefT- 
 ed by rack-rents, to the heavy burthen of a future 
 land-tax, and even to pay a poll-tas, for their weal- 
 thy and unfeeling landlords. Befides, it would give 
 a fatal ftrolfe to all improvement in this country, 
 for upon every renewal of the tenant's leafe, the 
 rent would be increafed, and confequeutly the tax, 
 iii proportion to the labour andcoft he had beftowed 
 on his farm, to make it more valuable. If fuch an 
 example v/as univerfally followed, it would alfo re- 
 move the ftrongeft fecurity the people of this king- 
 dom have againft a land-tax, for he apprehends that 
 the landed gentry would not oppofe it very ftrenu- 
 oufly, if their tcnam.3 were to be tl Qonlyfufferers. 
 
 lAv. Bayley would then have csn.:clled the leafe, 
 but en Mr. Walfh's pointing out the inconveni- 
 <xicy of doing fo, and alfo. faying, that a defeazance 
 Q^. that claufe, on the back of the leafe, would an- 
 Iwer every purpole ; Mr. Bayley was perfuaded to 
 let his fignature remain, bul returned both parts to be 
 delivered by the fard Mr. Waldi to Mr. Langri- 
 Ae, in order to have them tranfmitted to Lord 
 Bt(borou?h. 
 
 Indcad of Mr. Langrifne's doing fo, as Mr. 
 Bayley expefled, he fome time after attempted to 
 fui prize him into pofTcflion of the leafe, by inclofing 
 it for him under cover, as a leaer, and leaving it 
 dlrcf^cd for Mr. Bayley, at Mr. Garret's, a gen- 
 tleman in the neighbourhood : but as Mr. Bayley 
 was aware of thedefi'gn, he refufed to receive it, and 
 it ftill remains at Mr. Garret's houfe. 
 
 Mr. Bayley afterwards applyed perfondly to Mr. 
 r.angrifhe, ard Mr. Ponfonby : Mr. Lagriihe faid 
 hv was going lo England tjiat fummer, and pro- 
 
 nw fed
 
 The BATCHELOR. 55 
 
 mifed to take the leafe with him, and to have the 
 defeazance made on the back of the leafe. — Mr» 
 Ponfonby alfo promifed to apply to his brother. 
 Lord Befborough, to grant Mr. Bayley an abatement 
 of lol. per annum in the rent, for fubmiiting to that 
 claufe, in cafe Lord Befborough refufed to have it 
 expunged. 
 
 On a fecond application, Mr. Ponfonby put lu'iir 
 off, by faving he could not meddle in his brother's 
 atFairs : however, he took great pains to con- 
 vince Mr. Bayley of the reafonablenefs of this 
 claufe, by telling him it was inferted in all the late 
 Lord Burlington's leafes, and aftualiy produced one 
 of them to prove it. Mr. Ponfonby accordingly, read 
 a claufe repeatedly to the fame purpofe: Mr. Bayley 
 then defiied to fee the leafe, as he apprehended 
 there might be ibmething further inferted in the fub- 
 frquent parts, to explain the reafon of fubftituting 
 fuch an extraordinary claufe, and accordingly in the 
 very next line found the following fentence; " Com- 
 " penfation having been now made to the tenant, 
 " for fubmitting to this claufe," or words to that 
 effect. Mr. Bayley then replied, that fuch a claufe 
 was reafonable, and that the leafe produced to him 
 as a precedent, confirmed him in his refolution of 
 likewife infixing on an abatement in the rent, or a 
 defeazance of the claufe. 
 
 Mr.. Bavley diffident of his own judgment, drev/ 
 up the f;>llowing ftate of his cafe, and laid it before 
 Counfellor Wolfe. 
 
 ** A v.'as feveral years in poffcffion of the farm of 
 
 <' D, under a leafe for one life at 14I. los. yearly 
 
 "• reel. In januaty 1767, the lite iTies, and in April 
 
 D 4 » fpU
 
 56 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 *' following, A comes to an agreement with the 
 *' agent of D, who had the inheritance thereof, for a 
 •' new kafc in the words following: 
 
 " A agrees to pay to B for fmd farm, the yearly 
 " rent of fixty pounds on a leafe for three liteSf t9 
 •* conunencefromthefirftcf May, 1767. 
 
 ** Shortly afterwards, B who refides in Englr.nd, 
 «' writes a letter to A, to inform him, that he h,T.l 
 ** fent over a leafe ex€cuted by him for three lives 
 •' of faid farm, at the yearly rent of ftxiy pounds. 
 " When faid leafe appeared, A objedted thereto, on 
 " account of a clnule therein, v. h'chis la the words 
 ** following : 
 
 *' That the faid A, his heirs and nffigns, fall pay 
 " to faid B, his heirs and affigns, thg faid re^tt<ved 
 '■'■yearly rent of fixty pounds ferling, on the days here- 
 *' in appointed for the payment thereof, and alfo to pay^ 
 "• hear and dijcharge, o'vcr and aboK>e the fdd refer'v- 
 '• ed yearly '-ent, all taxes, afjefjmenti,, fuhfulies, or 
 •' other itnpofttions, of tvhat nature or kind foe'ver itn- 
 '• fofed, or to he impofed on the faid demifed premifesy 
 " or on the faid referred TEARLT RENT, or on the 
 ^•JaidB, his heirs and affigns, hy reajon or tneans 
 ** thereof, by parliament or 'jtheriKjife, crozvn rent, 
 *' and quit rent only excepted, as aforefaid. 
 
 ♦< ^/ere. Is the claufe reciied ufual or cufloma- 
 *' ry in this kingdom ? 
 
 *' Anfwer. I do net rememher that I have ever 
 " feen fnch a rlaufe in any leafe of lands in this king- 
 *' dcm, and therefore I fuppofe it is not a cujlomary or 
 
 « iifuai
 
 The B A TC HE LOR, 57 
 
 *' ufual claufe in leafes in this kingdom. In marriage 
 *'■ fetthments, it is ufual to exempt the jointure of the 
 *' lady from parliamentary taxes. 
 
 *< ^iere. Does it not appear that the fdid claufe 
 *' is intended by the lefTor, to throw the payment of 
 " a land tax on the leffee, whenever this country 
 " fliall be (o unfortunately circumftanced as to be 
 " obliged to fubaiit to fuch a tax, and is it not pro- 
 " bable it would have that effedl? 
 
 " Anfwer. / doubt this claufe ivould not produce 
 " the effed apprehended by this quere ; hut as that mat' 
 *' ter cannot be afcertained until fuch laiu floall he- 
 *' enaffed, I think no lefjee ought to fuhmit to fuch a 
 " claufe, 
 
 " ^ere. Has not A a right to objeft to the 
 " claufe recited, as it cannot be inferred from his 
 " agreement, that he was to be bound to pay any 
 ♦•' taxes, but the ufual country charges ? 
 
 " Anfwer. / apprehend A has a good and fuflci^ 
 *' ent reafon to ohjed to fuch a claufe. 
 
 « ^4ere. Is it reafonable to expe<Sl, that the 
 *' lefiee fhould be bound to pay any tax that may 
 " hereafter be laid on the perfon of the leffor, or hir 
 " heirs ? 
 
 *' Anfwer. j^ltho' this is a matter ivhich depends 
 *' upon the agreement cf the parties, 1 fjould think it a 
 « (very impronjident ad in the lejjee, to undertake to- 
 *^ pay he knoivs not ivhat ; it may he fomething, it 
 ** may he nothing : hotve^jer, as J faid before, the^ 
 D 5; *'■ agre^h-
 
 5,8 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 ** iinreemenl of the parties mujl rejol've this, anafuch 
 " like que/} ions. 
 
 Theobald Wolfe. 
 (A true copy.) 
 " 22d AW. 1768." 
 
 Mr. Bayley inclofed Mr. Wolfe's opinion in 
 a letter to Mr. Langriflie, to which he received 
 the following anfwer.. " As to Mr. Wolfe's opi- 
 ** nion, to which I fliall always pay the greateft 
 '• deference, I do not think it peremptory or pofitive- 
 " ly conclufive, for he abfolutely refers the whole 
 *• to the agreement of the parties, with a particular 
 " faving to that particular circumftance. Now, 
 " pray dear fir, what firmer, or ftronger agreement 
 ** can be made, than by the execution of a leafe, and 
 " counterpart properly attefted ; and if fuch does 
 " not fliew an agreement of the parties, I know not 
 *' what will or can. 
 
 " T mufh obferve io you, that the covenant you 
 " obje6l to, is in all L — d B — ft) — gh's old as well 
 '^ as new leafes. In the Speaker's, &c. 
 
 Robert Langrishe." 
 
 W^hen Mi". Bayley found that Counfellor Wolfe's 
 opinion had not the delired effeft, he again drew 
 up the following ftate of his cafe, and laid it before 
 the Attorney General, and afterwards he communi- 
 cated it to Mr. Caldwell. 
 
 •' A was for feveral years In pofTeflion of a farm^ 
 " under a leafe for one life, at 14I. los. yearly rent. 
 »* III January 1767 the life dies, and in April follow* 
 « mg, A. comes to agreement with B, who had the 
 
 «< In-
 
 The BAT C K'E L O R. 59 
 
 " inheritance thereof for a new leafe in the words 
 " following. A agrees to pay B for faid fanri the 
 " yearly rent of 60', on a leafe for three Jives, to* 
 '-commence from ift May 1767. Shortly after- 
 *' wards, B tenders to A, a leafe piirfuant to faid 
 " agreement, except with regard to one c'aufe, on' 
 " account of which A obje^ls to faid leafe: whiclr 
 ** claufe is as follows :. 
 
 " That the faid' A. his heirs ami aftgm, fh all pay 
 ^^ to faid By his heirs and ajjigns, the faid refer'ved- 
 '* yearly rent of 60/. jierling on the days herein ap- 
 " pointed for the payment thereof; and alfo pay, hear, 
 " and dif charge y O'ver and aho'ue the faid referred' 
 " yearly rent, aU taxes-, ajfeffments,fubftdies, or other 
 " itnp^jfitions., of ivhat nature or kindfoever, i?npofed 
 " or to he impofed on the Jaid demifed premifes, or otv 
 '<' thefaidrefer'vedYE.\Ki.Y Rent, or on I he faid By 
 " his heirs and ajjigns, hy reafon or means thereof bj 
 *' parliament or otherivife, crown rent and quit rent 
 " only excepted as aforefaid. 
 
 " ^ere. Is the claufe recited, ufual or cuftoma" 
 " ry in this kingdom ? 
 
 " Anfwer. I have feen this claufe in fonte leafe s~, 
 " hut it is not ufually inferted in leafes in this kinof 
 " dum, and I think ought not to he inferted, unlefs there., 
 " is fonie fpecial agreement for that purpofe. 
 
 ♦< ^ere. Does it not appear thai the faid claufe 
 •« is intended by the Ie{ii()r, to throw the payment of 
 " a land tax on the leffee, whenever this country 
 " fhall lie fo unfortunately circumftan"ced, as to-b:^' 
 ■' obliged to fubniit to fuch a tax.? 
 
 *♦ ■ AaP«f er^ .
 
 Co The B A T C H E L O R* 
 
 ** Anfwer. This clnufe is prehahly intended for that 
 ** purfoje. 
 
 *< ^tere. Has not A a right to objoft to the 
 *> claule recked, as it cannot be infencd from his 
 *' agreement, that he was to be bound to pay any 
 *' taxes but the ufual country charges? 
 
 *< Anfwer, / think A has a good right to oh]e£i ta 
 ** the claufe. 
 
 *' ^ere. Is it reafonable to expefl, that the 
 " Itffce fliould be bound to pay any tax that may 
 " hereafter be laid on the perfon of the lelTor, or his 
 
 " heirs? Note: on account of the claufe recited, 
 
 *' A has refufed to pay rent under the new agrce- 
 *' ment, infilling, that the claufe for payment of tax- 
 *' es ought to go no further than thofe laid on the 
 *• premifes, and not any that may hereafter be laid oa 
 *' the rent, or the perfon of the Icflbr, on account of 
 *' enjoying faid eftate ? 
 
 *' Anfwer. / think the claufe for payment of the 
 *' taxes-, fjoiild extend only to the taxes to be impofed 
 *' on the pre7nifes, and not to fuch as may he impofed 
 « on the rent or the perfon of the leffor. But I think 
 *' A and B fhould both confder the 'very great ex pence 
 <' nvhich muft attend a fuit in equity for deterinining 
 *' the matter in difpute^ and -whether it may not great- 
 *' ly exceed the rvalue of any contingent expence ivhich 
 *' may arife by the impofttion of a neiv tax, ivhich at 
 *' preftnt feenis 'very improbable. 
 
 Philip Tisdall. 
 
 (A true copy.) 
 
 " March 6th, 1769." 
 But
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. Ct 
 
 Rut Mr. Caldwell, ftlll infifted that the claufe 
 was both ufual and legal. Mr. Bayley thought 
 It prudent to tender payment of the rent then 
 due, which he did to Mr. Walfh in the pre- 
 fence of Mr. Caldwell, at his office in the cuHom- 
 houfe, on condition of having another leafe exe- 
 cuted, and likewife offered to fubmit to all claufes, 
 which any gentlemen of the bar, would certify 
 to be legal and cuftomary in this country, where 
 there had been no fpecial agreement to warrant the 
 infertion of an extraordinary claufe. Notwilhftand- 
 ing this propofal, which Mr. Bayley humbly ap- 
 prehends to be a reafonable one, he v^as ferved 
 with an ejedtment, for non payment of rent, to 
 which he took defence. Mr. Caldwell then ferved 
 him with notice for trying the record, at the laft 
 fnmraer afhzcs for the county of Carlow : however, 
 on finding Mr. Bayley determined to let it go ta 
 that iffue, Mr. Caldwell thought proper to with- 
 draw his notice of tryal, and has let the matter lye 
 over wUhot ever demanding the rent. 
 
 RUSTICU5. 
 
 NUM-
 
 62 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 NUMBER XL 
 
 Romulus, y liher pater, i^ cum Caflore Pol/ux 
 Pojl ingentia fada, Dcorujti in templu recepti, 
 Ditm terras hominumque colunt genus, afpera hella 
 Componunt, agros ajfignant, oppiJa conduni ; 
 Ploravere fuis non refpondere fa^jorem 
 Speratum merit is. 
 
 HOR. 
 TMlTATEm. 
 
 3" les, P— bys, who fhine in our records, 
 
 Were for their merit plac'd among the lords ! 
 They ferve their country with peculiar care, 
 
 Endov/'d with peiifions, and the S r's chair. 
 
 Patriots, who ftrive to make dlflenfion ceafe, 
 And blefs their country with the arts of peacej 
 Who to their tenants aft a father's part, 
 Nor with oppreflion wring the peafant's heart j 
 May now lament that Slander blafts their fame, 
 And fpits her venom at each facred name. 
 
 To Arthur Bavlev, Efq. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 CANDIDLY own that I was^ miftaken in fiip- 
 pofing that you held the difputed leafe under 
 Mr. Ponf nby : I now fee it was merely to ferve his 
 brother, Lord Befborough, that he took fuch extra- 
 ordinary pains to convince you of the propriety of 
 fuhmitting to an unujual claufe> whiekyou (o litigi- 
 tujly difputed. 
 
 II
 
 •JFhe B: A T e H E L O R. 63 
 
 it glve^ me Infinite concern to find, that my well 
 meant panegyric on Mr. Ponfonby, fliould be niifconr 
 ftrued by Honestus, into a fatire on that gentle- 
 man, for whom 1 have conftantly relaind the high- 
 eft veneration and efteeni. T find, fir, that you have 
 alfo mifapprehended mc ; I fliall therefore offer a 
 few remarks to you and the public on this fubjed^, 
 which I am fure v.^Ill convince the candid and un^ 
 prejudiced, of the unreafonablenefs of your com- 
 plaints, and ferve to vindicate Mr. Ponfonby's cha- 
 rafter, from thofe bafe infinuations, " artfully drejj- 
 " edup to. hlaft him among the independent freehold^ 
 «< ers." 
 
 \ft. It Is evident that Mt. Ponfonby was not the 
 principal in this affair, for (by Mr. Langrifhe's letter) 
 xkiZ fame claufe was already inferted in all his oiun 
 leafes i fo that nothing but pure affedlion, and a 
 generous regard to his brother. Lord Befborough's in- 
 tereft, could induce him to take fo much trouble, to 
 reconcile you to this neiu mode, of fubjeQing yourfeif 
 to a future land tax. 
 
 zdly. Yon fay that Mr. Ponfonby promifcd to pro^- 
 cure you an abatement of lol. per ann. in your rent, 
 as a compenfation for fubmltting to that claufe, but 
 that he afterwards /z// _)'o« oj/", by faying, " he did 
 " not chufe to meddle In hi* brother's affairs." I 
 wiih you had given us the date of his promife j per- 
 haps it v/as pre'viaus to the general election ; and as 
 you were of fome weight In the county, he was 
 afraid of. lofing your intereft by an unfeafonahle re- 
 fufal. 
 
 Mr. Ponfonby, fir, who Is an excellent cafulft, knew 
 thjtt <• Juramentum vi ^ metu epntortitm non ooligat,'''
 
 64 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 or in plain >Engii(li, Promifes nmtic under particular 
 circumjlances are nal binding. I am amazed how 
 you could be ignorant of this, when it is pretty 
 well known, how well that gentleman has applied 
 the maxim on many occafions. A protmfe-hQ always 
 undcrftood to be conditional ; and from the very 
 nature of the thing, it muft be fo ; — for inflance, 
 when I prom'fe to ferve my friend, it is my intention 
 to do (o at that time, but if I change my mind after, 
 I am fully jurtified in not performing it ; for as I was 
 only induced to make a proinile from a cafual d\(i^o- 
 fitioncf mind in his favoiir, 1 have a riglit to break 
 it from a ca fual d\\^o{\\.\on of mind to his prejudice : 
 furely one motive is as good a? another, except it 
 be alledged that the firft IhouM take place as elder j 
 but I really think it highly abfurd to regulate the 
 motions of our minds by leniority, like the laws of in- 
 heritance, which makes freeholds dcfcend to the 
 eldeft foa 
 
 I fliall think myfelf happy, if I havefet this matter 
 in a clear light. I know Mr. Ponfonby has many ene- 
 mies, who have even riicknamed him far his frequent 
 breach ol fromife. They indeed are too dull to per- 
 ceive that he is actuated by'the moll refined and fub- 
 tle principles of logic, which evinces the depth and. 
 extent of hi8 underftanding. 
 
 ^dly. You alfo charge Mr. Ponfon'by with pur- 
 pofely omitting part of the claufe in Lord Burling- 
 ton's leafe, wherein it is exprefsly added, " com- 
 ** penfation having been already nicde to the te- 
 ** nant for fubtnitting to this claufe." This, fir, is 
 artful and malicious to the laft degree — Mr. Ponfon- 
 by only told you, " that the very fame claufe v/as in- 
 *' ferted in Lord Builington's le*fes." He did not 
 
 tell
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 65 
 
 tell you that no abatement was made in the tenant's 
 rent, in confequence of it. You found what he faid 
 was ftritStly true, it was not Mr. Ponfonby's bufinefs 
 to read the fubfequent part, that would have been 
 a work oi fupererogation ; he -wxkly JJ:ipped it over, 
 and if you had not been too officious, you would 
 be fatisfied Vv'ith what he thought proper to commu- 
 nicate, and might probably have been awed by fuch 
 a precedent into a peaceable fubmilhon. 
 
 j^thly. I think that Counfellor Wolfe's reply to 
 one of your querries, might have fatisfied you. 
 When you afk him, whether he thinks the claufe was 
 purpofely infevted to fubjeft the tenant to a land- 
 tax ? Inftead of giving z dircd and explicit &n{v,eT, 
 lie only fays, *' he doubts this claufe 'would not pro- 
 " duce the efftd apprehended by the quere. 
 
 This alfo implies a tacit cenfure on you for pro- 
 pofing fuch an iniignificant queftion ; for if it was 
 not B's defign, why fiiould he fo peremptorily infift 
 on your compliance .■' Counfellor Wolfe thought 
 this fo very obvious, that your own fagacity might 
 have pointed it out, without applying to counfel for 
 information. Thus B's intention was evident, but 
 whether it would produce the defigned effect, is 
 another queftion which naturally rifes frcm the for- 
 mer ; as to this point, Counfellor Wfole tells you, 
 " that matter cannot he afcertained until fuch IwM 
 *' (for a land-tax) is enaiied" 
 
 Now, fir, could you fuppofe that L. B. Mr, P. 
 and their powerful conneQions, would not exert all 
 their influence to fave the poor tenants from oppref- 
 fion, by annulling fuch an illegal and improper claufe 
 by an aft of parliament? Surely the efforts of fuch 
 
 patriotic
 
 66 The B A TCHELOR. 
 
 patriotic and generous gentlemen would be crowned 
 with fuccefs, efpecially as they might declare, that 
 they themfelves nxjere fecure at all events : fuch a 
 candid confeirion would add weight to their elo- 
 quence, and render their difintereiled condui!^ re- 
 markably confpicuous. I will grant, indeed, that 
 their framing fuch a claufe at prefent, may feem ra- 
 ther too fublle and artful a ftroke of policy, to gain 
 applaufe, and make themfelves proper by annulling 
 it ; but I told you before that it is Mr. Ponfonby's 
 misfortune to aft on too refined principles ; this has 
 often fubjedted him to undeferved cenfure, and made 
 numbers imagine that he only deGgncd to promote 
 his own interell in all his fcltemes ; whereas, that 
 was only accidental, and his friends very well knew 
 that he was never ftrenuous in ferving himfelf, ex- 
 cept when the good of his country depended on it } 
 then indeed he was indefatigable. 
 
 i^thly. HoNESTus juftly sfTcrts that none of 
 the tenants were alarmed at a claufe, which feems 
 to have given you fo much uneafmefs. This I im- 
 pute lO good management : that offenfive claufe was 
 foifted in, as an addition to the ufual one, and fo 
 pafTcd unperceived in the printed part of the leafe : 
 the tenants were not aware of the diftinclion be- 
 tween taxes to be laid on the premijes.,' and on the 
 refer'ved rent. This demonftrates how cautioug 
 Mr. Ponfonby and Lord Befborough were of giving 
 the lead offence, or of making themfelves unpopu- 
 lar. They were moJeJlly fatisfied with tying up their 
 tenants, to pay a land or poll tax, whenever it fnould 
 be laid on; but ftill they had too great a regard for 
 their tenants eafe and happinefs, to make them ap- 
 prehenfive of their danger beforehand, which mufi: 
 have been the cafe, had the-fe genet-cgs landlords ex- 
 plained
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 6j 
 
 plained th& nature and defign of fuch a claufe ta 
 them. 
 
 6t/^ly. It fliews Mr. Ponfonby's forefight and faga^ 
 city in providing againft the pernicious confequence 
 of a land-tax, by throwing the burthen on his te- 
 Bants — Perhaps he obferved a fpirit and inclination 
 in fome of our Iai;ded gentry, to introduce fuch a 
 tax, and confcious that it was not in his power to 
 prevent it, he prudently refolved to fecure himfelf 
 and his family from the bad effects of it. He aiJled 
 like that noble Perfian, who after ufing every means 
 to, perfnade his countrymen not to fubjedl them- 
 felves to the defpotifm of a monarch, but to eflahlifh 
 a commonwealth ; till finding his eloquence ineffec- 
 tual, he obtained an exclufive privilege for himfelf 
 and his pofterity, that they {hould remain free and 
 independent, whilft the reft of the nation were 
 flaves. 
 
 It might happen, indeed, that Mr. Ponfonby orrfy 
 meant to open a field to difplay his patriotifm, and 
 ftill intended to oppofe a land-tax, merely for the 
 fake of his tenants, (as he himfelf could not fuffer 
 by it) and thus oblige an4 ferve them moft eflen- 
 tially. 
 
 Thefe, fir, mull: have been hl6 motives, though 
 I do not in the leaft doubt, but that fome malici- 
 ous perfons will attempt to prejudice the yeomanry 
 ^ the kingdom againll this worthy gentleman j and 
 by faying that he had formed a fcheme to facrifice 
 them, and to introduce a land-tax, if his own felfifh 
 and fordid terms, and thofe of his- venal junto^were 
 complied with; perhaps ihey will malignantly fay, 
 Uiat his defign is apparent from this very litigated 
 
 claufe.
 
 68 
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 claufe. But it is Mr. Ponfonby's peculiar happincfs, 
 that no one who is acquainted v/ith his character, 
 will liften to fuch fcandal. Mis confitlcnt and im- 
 partial conduft in the hcufe, his integrity and abili- 
 ties at that honourable board, where he (o lately 
 prefided, furnifh the beft and moft fatisfaftory anfwer 
 to thofe malicious reproaches. 
 
 The houfe of conimons, thofe fpirited guardians 
 of our liberty ! would not have voted him eight 
 thoufand pounds this very feffion, if they were not 
 thoroughly fenfible of his great merit — That pecuni- 
 ary elogium from the teprefentatives of the people, 
 does him more honour, and I dare fay gave him 
 more pleafure, than if he had received the thanks 
 and applaufe of the who'e kingdom. 
 
 I am, fir, your's, &c. 
 
 PHOCION. 
 
 NUMBER XIII. 
 
 Fielix quern fuciunt alizna pericula cautum. ' 
 
 THE candid reader will be convinced of the 
 ufe and efficacy of Phocion's addrefs to the 
 right hon. John Ponfonby, Efq; (on the fubjeft of an 
 intended land-tax) by perufing the following extract 
 from Mr. Caldwell's letter- 
 
 « To
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 69 
 
 •' To Arthur Bayley, Efq, 
 
 " On the death of the late Mr. Langrillie, Lord 
 •* Befborough did me the honour of appointing me 
 •' his general agent, and I am now to inform you, 
 <' his Lordfllip is willing to fign any inftiument your 
 *' council fhall advife, to exempt you from all poffi- 
 *' ble apprehenfions of being charged with thofe par- 
 " liamentary taxes you feem fo averfe to, on your 
 *' paying the rent you now owe, which has been for 
 ♦* the time pad clearly exonerated and difencuniber- 
 " ed therefrom ; or if you rather chufe to furrender 
 *' your leafe of part of Garryhill, my Lord will 
 " accept a furrender thereof, on your paying, the 
 " arrear due. 
 
 Your moil obedient humble fervant, 
 
 CHA. CALDWELL." 
 
 ** Dublin, e^th Juney 1770. 
 
 To the Earl of Besborough. 
 
 MY LORD, 
 
 IT gives me peculiar pleafure, to find that your 
 Loidfhip has ordered Mr. Caldwell, your agent, to 
 have a defeafance made of that very paiticular claufe 
 in one of your Lordfhip's Icafes, which fubjefls the 
 tenant 10 a future land tax, inftead of his opulent 
 landloid. Probably, your Lordfllip never faw Couii- 
 fcUor Wolfe's, and the Attorney-GeneraPs opinions 
 on this point of law, till they appeared in my Spe- 
 culations. 
 
 As
 
 70 The B A TCHELOTl. 
 
 As the fame illegal a.nd alarming claufe Is Inferted 
 in all Mr. Ponfonby's leafes, I hope your Lordfhip's 
 example will have a proper influence on him. — When 
 he was a courtier, my Lord, he might have a fecret 
 intimation from the niiniftry, that a land tax would 
 be introduced here, and therefore adted with pru- 
 dence by fecuring himfelf at his tenants expence : 
 but now that he is a patriot, he can have no reafon 
 for obftinately adhering to this prudential fyftem. — 
 1 fliall be pleafed with having an opportunity of 
 blazoning that gentleman's merit, for he is remarka- 
 bly modcft, and to avoid public applaufe, fo care- 
 fully conceals the great ferviccs he has rendered his 
 country, that even his moft intimate friends are 
 ftrangely puzzled to give me the leaft information 
 ^about them. 
 
 I am told, that your Lord/hip difapproves of his 
 late patriotic proceedings : — However, my Lord, 
 Mr. Ponfonby's is a moil extraordinary charader; he 
 gained more friends and dependents by empty pro- 
 mifes, than by conferring effential favours : — I hope 
 your Lordftjip will pardon this digreflion, and I fliall 
 now return to my fubject. 
 
 I have a fecret fatisfadtion, my Lord, in refledfng 
 on the great ufe my Speculations have been to your 
 tenant Mr. Bayley. He perceived the dangerous ten- 
 dency of a claufe foifted into his leafe, wilh great 
 art and difingenuity, and was determined to aiSl with 
 fpirit and refolution. 
 
 <' A village Hampden, who with dauntlefs bread, 
 «< The little tyrant of his field withftood." 
 
 He
 
 The BA T CHE LOR. -j 
 
 He dated his cafe with clearnefs and precifion, 
 and fubmitted it to Cunfellor Wolfe and Mr. 
 Tifdall ; encouraged by their favourable opinions, 
 he was determined to have the legality of the claufe 
 tryed. On being ferved with an ejedment, he took 
 defence, a::d was then threatened with the utmcft 
 rigour of the law, if he did not quietly fubmit. 
 Several of the papers relative to this affair, fell acci- 
 dently into my hands. As I thought it a matter of 
 fome ccnfequence, I was determined to lay the 
 whole traniaftion riinutely before the public, and 
 took care to incloie your Lordfhip a few fpecula- 
 tions containing my remarks, and Mr. Bayley's very 
 ingenuous narrative. 1 own that my vanity is great- 
 ly flattered by Mr. Caldwell's letter. Your condu6l 
 my Lord, does you honour, and I can affure you, 
 that I entertain no diipicable idea of your Lordftlp's 
 underlTianding, fince you have paid fo mucli defe- 
 rence to my arguments. 
 
 As feveral of your tenants, my Lord, have a 
 right to the fame indulgence fhewn Mr. Bayley, I 
 fuppofe your Lordfliip's dl ^ftions to your law agent, 
 were general and equally extended to them. I on.'y 
 mention this my Lord, left ibms malignant perfons 
 may impute your Lordfliip's behaviour to a finifler 
 motive, if Mr. Bayley (hould be particularly diftin- 
 
 guiflied. 
 
 I remain. 
 
 My L— d. 
 
 Your L — p's moft obliged. 
 
 And moft obedient humble fervsnt, 
 
 JEOFFRY VVAGSTAFFE. 
 
 N U M-
 
 72 The BATCH ELOR, 
 
 NUMB E'R XIV. 
 
 ■ Minus afjtus acutis 
 Naribus honim hominuni' 
 
 HoR. 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. 
 
 SI R, 
 
 T is generally remarked, that perfons of exquifite 
 fenfibiliiy, are unhappy. The caufe is obvious 
 — they fee the foibles of mankind, and feel their 
 own too fenfibiy: their tempers are ruffled by trifles, 
 which never dillurb the tranquility of others. By 
 conducting themfelves with unneceiTkry refinement 
 in the common occurrences of life, they fruilrate 
 their own views ; as artilts by fining a razor too 
 much, often tumits edge. 
 
 * Fervidus, poiTeiTed of genius, a jull tade, a 
 brilliant fancy, and every locial quality of a generous 
 and benevolent heart, can never be happy — becaufe 
 h\s feelings are too ftrong. Fucosus lives the ob- 
 jedt of ridicule, and is led every day to laugh at 
 himfelf ; he joins in the jell without fufpe(Sling it is 
 at his own cxpence — yet is he happy by his dullnefs, 
 which, " covers him all over (as Sancho fay?) like a 
 " cloake." The moft diftant allufion, that can be 
 conftrued into the flighteil mark of difrefped, n}akes 
 
 ♦ Thcfc iwo charafters (it is fuppofed) are dellgncd for 
 C— pt<— n J— ^n and Mr. H d. 
 
 Ferv id us
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 73 
 
 Fervidus miferable. Fucosus thinks every body 
 admires-him, as a piodigy ot parti, and thetefofe 
 converts a fneer into a compliment. — The ne/ves of 
 the one, like the llrings oi a fiddle, vibrate on the 
 flighteft touch ; whilft the other's, like the cords of 
 a Strim-stram, fcarce bei.d under the rough hand 
 of a porter. Fucosus blunders through difficulties 
 and labours, which would deftroy any perfon of lefs 
 ftupidity, as a goofe thruft down a chimney on 
 fire, CAtinguiihes the flames, and efcapes unhurt. 
 I believe the experiment would prove fatal to any 
 other bird. 
 
 I often confider Mrs. Grevllle's Ode to Indiffer- - 
 ence, as a mafter piece on this fubjeft. The image- 
 ry is beautiful and poetic, and the fentiments fhew 
 that nice difcernment and knowledge of human na- 
 ture, fo rarely found in the elaborate pages of. a 
 moral philofopher. 
 
 Let the rage of party, and perfonal inveftive, for 
 once give place to admit the polilhtd produdion of 
 a female genius. Many of our readers, Mr. Wag- 
 ftaffe, are neither courtiers nor patriots, and reliih 
 fcandal as little in the Batchelor, as the Freeman,— .- 
 particularly, 
 
 Your humble fervant, 
 
 MUSiEUS. 
 
 E ^ PRAY-
 
 74 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 A TRAYER/^r INDIFFERENCE. 
 By Mrs. Greville. 
 
 OF T I've Iniplor'd the gods in vain, 
 And pray'd till I've been weary j 
 For once I'll feek my wifli to gain 
 Of Oheron the fairy. 
 
 Svi'eet, airy Being, wanton Sprite^ 
 
 Who liv'ft in woods unfeen j 
 And oft by Cynthia's filver light 
 
 Trips't gaily oe'r the green ! 
 
 If e'er thy pitying heart was mov'd. 
 
 As antient ftories teU, 
 And for th' Athenian maid who lov'd, 
 
 You fought a wond'rous fpell. 
 
 Oh! deign once more t' exert thy power ! 
 
 Haply fome herb or tree, 
 Sov'reign as juice of Weilern flower. 
 
 Conceals a balm for me. 
 
 I aflc no kind return in love. 
 No tempting charm to pleafe : 
 
 Far from the heart fuch gifts remove 
 That fighs for peace and eafe. 
 
 Nor eafe nor peace the heart can know; 
 
 Which, like the needle true, 
 Turns at the touch of joy or woe. 
 
 But, turning, trembles Ico. 
 
 Far
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Far as diftrefis the foul can wound, 
 
 'Tis pain in each degree : 
 Blifs goes but to a certain bound: 
 
 Beyond is agony. 
 
 Take then this treach'rous fenfc of mine, 
 Which dooms me ftill to fmart ; 
 
 Which plealure can to pain refine, 
 To pain new pangs impart. 
 
 Oh ! hafte to fhed the facred balm ? 
 
 My fhatter'd nerves new firing; 
 And for my gueft, ferenely calm. 
 
 The nymph Indifference bring. 
 
 At her apprcach, fee Hope, fee Fear, 
 
 See Expecfation fly ,' 
 And Difappointmetit in the rear, 
 
 That blafts the promis'd joy. 
 
 The tear, which pity taught to flow, 
 
 The eye fliall then difown : 
 The heart that melts for other's woe, 
 
 Shall then fcarce feel its own. 
 
 The wounds which n::!w each moment bleed. 
 
 Each moment then /hall clofe, 
 And tranquil days /hall ftill fuccced, 
 
 To nights of calm repofe, 
 
 O Fairy Elf but grant me this, 
 
 This one kind comfort fend J 
 And fo may never-fading blifs 
 
 Thy flowery paths attend .' 
 
 /:> 
 
 So
 
 76 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 So may the glow-worm's gHnimering hght, 
 
 Thy tiny footflcps lead 
 To fome new region of delight, 
 
 Unknown to mortal tread! 
 
 And be thy accorn goblet fiU'd 
 With Heav'ns ambrofial dev/, 
 
 From fweeteft, frelheft flov/ers dillill'd, 
 That flied frefh fweetb lor you. 
 
 And what of life remains for me 
 
 I'll pafi in fober eale ; 
 Half-pleas'd contented will I be, 
 
 Content but half to pleafe. 
 
 NUMBER XV. 
 
 SOME faftidious critics condemn certain fimi- 
 Iss, which they are pleafed to depreciate by 
 calling them lo-iu and 'vulgar. They neither confider 
 the authoi's intention, or that fpecies of compofiti- 
 on, where they may appear with grace and propri- 
 ety. A few thoughts on this fubject may therefore 
 be agreeable to the reader, — and alfo ferve as a 
 preface to my neuj correlpondent's favours.— 
 
 The defign of fome peculiar comnarifons Is 
 to blend the perfon cr thing with- the objed, 
 from which the fiuiile is taken, fo as to excite 
 a ludicrous image from fuch an aflbciation. — 
 
 Ou
 
 The BATCH ELOR. 77 
 
 On this principle, the penetrating and judicious 
 Mr. Hurd afcertains the propriety of aliuiive ima- 
 gery, as adapted to the lighter kinds of poetry ; 
 and the fame criticifm may be equally extended to 
 conipoiiiions in profe. — " What has been faid of 
 " the epic holds, as I hinted, of all the more ferlous 
 " kinds of Poetry. Tn works of a lighter caft, there 
 " is greater liberty and a larger field of allufion per- 
 " mitted to the Poet. All the appearances in art and 
 " nature, betwixt which there is any refemblance, 
 <' may be employed here to furprife and divert the 
 " fancy. The further and more remote from vulgar 
 " apprehenfion thefe analogies lie, fo much the fitter 
 " for his purpofe, v.'hich is not fo much to illufrate 
 " this iuuis as to place them in new and uncommon 
 " lights and entertain the mind by that odd con- 
 " junction, or oppofition of ideas which we know by 
 " the name of ivit. — Nay the hiueji as well as the 
 *' leaft obvious imagery will be oftentimes moft pro- 
 " per ; his viev/ being not to enable and rai:e his 
 " fubjed, by the means of allufion, but to fink and 
 " debafe it by every art that hath a tendency to 
 <' excite the mirth and provoke the ridicule of the 
 " Reader." 
 
 Dijfertation 3^. Pnge. loj 
 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. 
 
 S I R, 
 
 IV/AS lately married to an old gentleman, and 
 am made very uneafy by an impudent young 
 fellow's ludicrous comparifons on the match. — He 
 fays, that an old man who affedts to be amorous rc- 
 fembles a fuzzball which feems to have fome fub- 
 ilance, but on being preil, burllis and only fills the 
 E 3 eyes
 
 78 The BATCH ELOR. 
 
 eyes with dufl:. — At other times he commends my 
 hulhand's prudence, for chufing a young maid, 
 rather than an old experienced dame, as, fnuff" he 
 adds murt ho ftrong and fielh to irritate the organs 
 cf a priid it toner., but that a few dead grains will 
 make a perfon Jneeze who is unaccullomed to take 
 it. 
 
 He caught me 'tother day, fitting on mv Huf- 
 band's knee, and (aid I looked h'ke a bunch of fweet 
 pea funported by a rotten ftick. — — I v/as very an- 
 gry to be lure, on my dear old man's account, but as 
 he compared me to fo pretty a flower I forgave 
 him ; but indeed he is grown more impudent fince, 
 ar.d jud now told me, that Virgil defcribed our wed- 
 ding night, by the following lines, which I made him 
 write down. 
 
 > * Telumque Imbelle fine Ictxi 
 
 Conjecit : rauco quod protinus sere rcpulfum 
 Et fummo Clypei, nequicquam umbone pependit. 
 
 1 am fure there is fomething bad in them, for 
 -when I (howed them to my hiifband, and beg'd him 
 to tell me what they meant, he flew into a violent, 
 paflion, and has been crofs ever fince. Do my dear 
 Mr. V/agftafFe, tranflate them for me in the Batchc- 
 lor, and you will particularly oblige, 
 
 your admirer and humble fervant, 
 
 PARTHENIA PINCHBECK. 
 
 * His feeble palfyM hand a Javelin threw, 
 Which fainting feemed to linger as it flew ; 
 ]ull: — and but barely to the mark it held. 
 And faintly tinkled on the brazen fliield. 
 
 The
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 79 
 
 The APOLOGY 
 
 I. 
 
 To Kitty's name, I tune my lays 
 
 And praife the little maid, 
 Whofe jaunty (hape, whofe cuil'd phiz 
 
 Poor Johny's heart enflav'd. 
 
 11. 
 
 What charms fhe has I'll ftrlve to fing 
 
 And decorate my fong j 
 A lovely profpett for a wife 
 
 Her fortune's — in her tongue. 
 
 III. 
 
 A Tongue fo neat, fo pliant glib,- 
 
 Which fcorns to whine or flatter, 
 W^hat pointed words fpring from thofe lipSj 
 
 All ling'd with wit and lalire. 
 
 IV. 
 
 My pretty tiny, Chinefe piece, 
 
 A Barrack room to grace j 
 In vinegar each feature fet 
 
 So acid looks that face. 
 
 V. 
 
 And have I pleas'd my Kitty too 
 
 PIa.5 Kitty for me cares, 
 Grac'd with a foot of double fize 
 
 Acd ancles nob'd like chairs ! 
 
 E 4 vi;
 
 8o The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 VI. 
 
 Or liavc my cvc-s entrcncLM fo deep 
 JVly gentle Kitty charnicil ? 
 
 My tawney fkin and Hounftoiv face 
 Her tender heart have waiin'd. 
 
 VII. 
 
 In dancing too, my aiikward cuts, 
 No pains cculd ever fcreen ; 
 
 <' A Hea^'en taughr dancer, Certain'y 
 ?'or nought of art k feen, 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Kitty no more now boafl: your pow'r 
 
 For all your art is vain j 
 Reauty and maiden charms combln'd 
 
 But gild the marriage chain. 
 
 IX. 
 
 The ciOiSlor thus who knows his trade, 
 And's fv/ay'd by profit ft ill, 
 
 The naufeous dofe but ill conceals 
 Ey varnifning the pill. 
 
 X, 
 
 But this you fay is common cant. 
 
 And often heard by you ; 
 — T hea Kilty, (ince I know your taile 
 
 ril give you fomething new. 
 
 XI.
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. ■ 81 
 
 XI. 
 
 A harlot, faith n7ay drain the purfe, 
 
 And into danger run one ; 
 But foon as e'er the mifchiefs done 
 
 The jade is fu.e to fliun one. 
 
 X!I. 
 
 So fleas will bite, and then Hdp off 
 
 And longer fcorn to ftick ; 
 Conftant aud true a wife remains 
 
 And clings like any tick. 
 
 XIII. 
 
 And when you rave, and rage and curfC; 
 
 She then v/ill plague you more. 
 Like blilters of Iberian flies 
 
 She matfes and frets the fore. 
 
 ^ XIV. 
 
 Have you not feen a harmlefs dog 
 
 Run frighted thro' the ftreet, 
 With fhot in bladder ty'd behind 
 
 Of" marriage — Emblem meet ! 
 
 XV. 
 
 In courtfhip, mifs refembles cat, 
 
 That purrs and fmooths her paws. 
 But marry'd ! — then like angry puis 
 
 Thai fpits and fhev/s her claws, 
 
 E K XVI.
 
 82 The B A T C H E L O R 
 
 XVI. 
 
 Two lovers, like two playful cats 
 • In dalliance fort unite. 
 But noos'd — like cats ty'd by the tail 
 They wrangle, fcraich and fight. 
 
 XVII. 
 
 Couitfhip is pleafant, marriage four ; 
 
 This plagues, but that delights ; 
 So St. Johns book tho' fweet to lafte, 
 
 Yet fwaliow'd gave the gripes. 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 As prefbyterians, paftors choofe, 
 And fbew their fenfe and (kill, 
 
 By keeping power ftill in their hands, 
 To turn them off at will. 
 
 XIX. 
 
 On terms like thefe a girl I'd love 
 
 No wedlock noife or ftrife ; 
 Like church divines, wives faacy grew, 
 
 Becaufe they hold for life. 
 
 Epigram on the ladies neiv faP?ioned Tetes. 
 
 NSTEAD of hair, bright Calia, wears a tete, 
 _ Of frowfy wool, to hide a fliaven pate; 
 — As ilript of leaves, a beauteous plant becomes 
 A dirtv mop, and fhines with greafy thrums. 
 
 Y 
 
 I 
 
 NUM-
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 8^ 
 
 NUMBER XVI. 
 
 To the Female COTERIE. 
 
 LADIES, 
 
 AS your polTte and honourable academy feemn ■ 
 chiefly calculated to propagat oraming and 
 gallantry, I recommend the following efiay to your 
 patronage and protcftion. — Principles congenial to 
 your own, Induced me to ftep forth in your defence^ 
 and I have at leall the merit of being your firlh 
 voluntary champion. I always contemplate with' 
 peculiar pleafure an inftitullon which will produce 
 the moft beneficial effedls to Society. — That conrti-- 
 tutional coldnels which you dtrive from a bleak 
 northern climate, will be meliorated and Improved 
 by gay converfation and fparkling champaign ; — for a 
 tavern like a green houfe, Vv'ill infufe an artificial: 
 heat and naturalije plants, originally reared under 
 the geniar influence of brighter Ikies and a war- 
 mer fun. — 
 
 Our giddy and i.mpetuous youth will be weaned i 
 by you, from all low and indelicate amours, and; 
 folely devote themfelves to ladies of fafhion and ; 
 charafter. — The refined policy of the roman ladies, 
 whofe example you purfue, prompted them to - 
 ftigmatife mean jpirited <^?\\'nx\X%\:,y the opprobrious ; 
 epithet of anciUarii. — Or ivenchers — give me leave 
 to recommend the fame judicious diftinCtion to your 
 imitation.. 
 
 Our 
 
 /
 
 84 Tlie B A T C II E L O R. 
 
 Our ingenuous youth attraCled by your beauty ajid 
 generous condefcenfion, will foon loath the embra- 
 ces of mercenary females, who can't even boail the 
 virtue of a nettle, but on comprefion (ling more 
 feverely. Let it he your amiable province ladies, 
 to teach them, that by yielding up your charms, 
 you rcfemhle fqucefed myrtle, which in that fiate, 
 emits its fwectell: and moft agreeable odour. — 
 
 I have the honour to be, with the higheft rcfpe6>, 
 
 Ladies, 
 
 your mofl: fincere admirer, 
 
 and devoted humble fervant, 
 
 JEOFFRY WAGSTAFFE. 
 
 IJrhi pater ejl, urlique maritus. 
 
 L u c A N • 
 
 T gives me the higheft pleafurc to obferve the 
 _ rapid progrefs of cuckoldom in thefe kingdoms, 
 s it is alv/ays the confequence of refined manners. 
 We only wanted this finifhing touch, to equal the- 
 French in that agreeable polilh, which embelliflies 
 and-foftens human nature. Gallantry and intrigue, 
 introduce a focial intimacy between the fexes, whiclx 
 wears oit that difgulling rufticity, fo prevalent in a 
 country, where an unreilrained familiarity is not 
 faftlonable. The beft method of poliihing marble, 
 is by rubbing the Qabs againll each other j and I am 
 rejoiced to fee the fame mode fo generally adopted 
 by both kx&z. Gaming is intimately connefled
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 85 
 
 wntli gallantry, and may be efVeemed the cement of 
 every polite circle.— A prudijh lady who lofes at 
 play, is frequently obliged to compound with her 
 male creditor, and yield her perfoa inftead of her 
 purfe. — A Maccaroni alone could refufe to releafe 
 his amiable debtor on thefe terms. How happy is 
 the hufband of fuch a prudential wife, who thus dlf- 
 charges a debt in a coin he can never polUbly mifs, 
 efpecially, as it might injure his fortune, and embar- 
 rafs his affairs if paid in any other. Sometimes 
 (he may prefer this mode of payment from a prefenti-' 
 ment of her hufband's fuperiority ; an experimental 
 proof will do honour to her foredght, and promote 
 conjugal atfedion. This was Penelope's way, fhe 
 encouraged all her gallants to ihoot in UlyfTes's 
 bow, and found none of them equal to her own good 
 man. 
 
 Let dull moralifts, and prejudiced politicians, 
 fnarl at every generous and comprehe-sfive fyftem, 
 which contradicSls their narrow, feifilh principles : I 
 do not addrefs myfelf to fuch readers, but to the li- 
 beral and impartial j and I make no doubt of convin- 
 cing them. I Ihall therefore prove, I ft. That cuck- 
 oldom was ellablifhed by lav/, in the v/ifeft of .nati- 
 ons. 2dly, That precedents., and continued ufage and 
 pradice-, are uniformly in favour of it. 3dly, I fliall 
 point out the great benefits which civil fcciety re- 
 ceives from it}, and conclude with fjme general 
 remarks on the fubjett. 
 
 By a ftatute ena(5ted in the 7th of Lycurgus, the 
 Spartans granted every man the privilege of lying 
 Vv'ith his neighbour's wife — Calo, by his e.xample, 
 endeavoured to introduce that law among the 
 
 Romans ;
 
 86 The B A T G H E L O R. 
 
 Romans: feveral tribes of Indians have adopted the 
 fame wife maxim. Thus, both civilized nations, ad- 
 tuated by political motives ; and BarbaTians, from 
 the mere fuggeftions of untutored reafon, have 
 equally perceived its utility. 
 
 Continued tif^/ge and praflice are alfo In favour of 
 it. The hifto'v of every age and country, furnlftes 
 us with numberlefs examples in proof of this. All 
 the evil conftquences which have been falfely af- 
 cribed to the p-;^.(51ice of cuckoldom, proceeded 
 whol'y from the uTreafoiiable reftriclions and difcou- 
 rascment that impolitic laws have laid on it. This 
 alone made it a cime, and rendered the man infa- 
 mous, who paiie.itly fubniittedto it — Hence pro- 
 ceeded wars, maflacres, and the diftrudtion of man- 
 kind. We fee in Sparta, w-here it was not dilhonou- 
 rable to be a cuckold, (tut highly fo to be a bat- 
 chelor) all thofe evils were prevented. 
 
 But v/hy (hould I'appeal to Greece or Rome for 
 examples, when the hiftory of our ov.'n country fup- 
 plies me with the ftrongeft inftance, in fupport of 
 my argument? If Tigherna O'Rourke, king of 
 Breifna, had not thought it unbecoming a man of 
 fpirit to be a contented cuckold, he would not have 
 forced Dermot M'lVIurchad to apply to Henry the 
 fecond for afllftance : we might then ftill have wan- 
 dered free and independent among our bogs, got 
 drunk out of our madders, and ufed qmx jheins with 
 impunity. — We (hould never have heard of the exe- 
 crable Poyning, nor of his infernal law ; a law, infi- 
 dioufiy calculated to break the hearts of our patri- 
 ots, and to ruin the kingdom. 
 
 Thus
 
 The BATCHELOR. 87 
 
 Thus cuckoldom was the caufe of onr ftavery and 
 fubjedtion ; I therefore highly commend my coun- 
 trymen, for retaliating on our conquerors. Their 
 prowefs and fuccefs have been fo confpicuous, 
 that even the ftern Churchill could not refufe 
 paying tribute to their merit in the following 
 lines : 
 
 " See Dublin, fam'd in legends of romance, 
 *' For mighty magic of enchanted lance, 
 " With which her heroes arm'd, vidorious prove, 
 " And like a flood, rufli o'er the land of love. 
 
 I {hall now point out the great benefits which 
 civil fociety receives from cuckoldom. It is remark- 
 able, that fome families maintain an heieditary right 
 to weak intellects and perfonal blemiihes, which uni- 
 formly defcend from generation to generation. Now, 
 a wife who has the honour of her family at heart, 
 may eafily remedy this, and I really think it her in- 
 difpenfible duty to do fo : fhe will pleafe her good 
 man by it, and can do him no injury. I am always 
 delighted to fee the father of a family furrounded 
 by children whom his wife certifies, tho' they did 
 not take their rife from him. He fofters and cherift- 
 es them with as much fondnefs antl a.fedlion, as a 
 hen that hatches duck eggs, and feeds the ducklings 
 with the fame care, as if they were her own. A 
 lady who afls fo judiciouflr, merits the higheft 
 piaife ; fhe adorns her hulband's tab'e with olive 
 branches which never fprung from him ; as a fkil- 
 ful gardener, gathers plumbs off thorn trees, by 
 grafting a few flips on them. 
 
 It
 
 88 The B ATC FIE LO R. 
 
 If hufoands would treat their wives with com- 
 plaifance, and not he offended ai innocent familiari- 
 ties, they would make proper allowances for flight 
 -failures in conjugal duties, and 1 ve their hufbands 
 for the very reajun they now hate them, as it would 
 be a fufficient excule for applying to others for 
 comforts which they cannot be lupplied with at 
 home. 
 
 Befides, we fhould confider that cuckoldoni is but 
 a realbnable fine, which every man fhould chearfully 
 pay, as it evinces the beauty and merit of his wife in 
 other people's eyes, and is a juft compliment to his 
 own tafle. Let thofe who are curfed with homely 
 domeflic rihs., have the fole enjoyment of them: fuch 
 women are mean enough to employ their time in 
 taking care of their houfes and children ; and what 
 is ftill v/orfe, confine themfelves at home, and fur- 
 feit their hufb.inds by too much fondnefs. But the 
 gay and beautitul fliould fcorn to be monopolized ; 
 they ought to regaid the happinefs of mankind. 
 Many of them, no doubt, are influenced by the lait- 
 dable ambition of communicating pleafure all around 
 ihera ; and it is from that generous principle alone, 
 and not to gratify any fenfual paffion, that they are 
 lb willing 10 eafe the torments of their lovers. 
 
 Penal laws on cuckoldom or confcienee, I equally 
 condem.n. Large d.images which are ufually grant- 
 ed for crim. con. are attended with mod pernicious, 
 effects. This makes the huibar.d a fpy on his wife, 
 and an informer againft her gallant, merely fcr the 
 fake of gain; though gilding his horns no more mi- 
 tigates his difgrace, than gilding a pill takes off the 
 naufscus tailc of the phyfic» Population is the 
 
 true
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 89 
 
 true objefl of policy in every wife ftate, and if chil- 
 dren are produced, of what confequence is it to the 
 community from whom they are originated? Thus 
 a penalty on cuckoldom, is a rethaint on popu- 
 lation, and ftrikes at the 'very <vitals of our conjiitu- 
 tion. 
 
 I cannot omit this opportunity of paying a jufl 
 panegyric to the memory of that ixjife and politic 
 prince, Charles II. During his reign, there fecms 
 to have been a fufpenfion of all the abfurd penal 
 laws againfl: cuckoldom. He knew it was the mofl 
 effedual way to recruit the nation, exhaufted by 
 Puritanic fajis, and a civil war. He led the v/ay 
 himfelf, and his loyal cavaliers followed fuch an il- 
 luftrious pattern ; as the Emperor of China, encou- 
 rages agriculture, by breaking up the ground every 
 year with a golden plough, but he confines himfelf 
 to one day's labour ; Charles excelled him, for he con- 
 tinued his nodturnal labours the whole year round. 
 
 Cato-Major was fo fenfible of the ufe of cuckol- 
 dom to the commonwealth, that in order to qualify 
 himfelf for it, at the age of eighty, he married a 
 young girl. Marriage is truly an honourable rtate 
 to fuch venerable fages, for they often have the 
 honour of being called father, by other mens chil- 
 dren. Perhaps I could point out a modern patriot, 
 not inferior to Cato in this refped. 
 
 I wi(h lie would exert his perfuafive eloquence in 
 the Senate, and bring in heads of a hill, to abrogate 
 all the penal Ilatutes, on cuckoldom and population, 
 (as I have proved them fynonimous.) Our commerce 
 lies under too many restraints already, then why 
 
 ilioutd
 
 90 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 fhould we tax this ftaple commodity. My country- 
 men are diftingufhed even to a proverb, for carrying 
 on that trade with fpirit and fuccefs, in all parts of 
 the globe. Iriihnien, and Irifh fcrews, are generally 
 efteemed, even in England, and we well know they 
 are not too partial to us. 
 
 The legiflature lately took off great part of the 
 duty on tea, and we fee the revenue has gained by 
 it. Let them alfo for the public good, abolifh this 
 odious excile on population. Let people no longer 
 torment themfelves about Poyning's law, but addrels 
 their reprefentatives, and give them proper inftrudli- 
 ons on this important point. A repealing ad would 
 revive our trade, make cafh circulate, eftablifli peace 
 and harmony in families, enrich the nation, and give 
 employment to the poor natives. I am alfo of opi- 
 nion, we fhould foon be rich enough, by this means, 
 to difcharge the national debt. 
 
 NUMBER XVII. 
 
 Suits eloguentia- fapientite parum. 
 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq; 
 
 S I R, 
 
 IW A S in company feme time ago, where the 
 comparative merit of the celebrated Junius, be- 
 came the topic of converfation. A little emaciated 
 
 beau,
 
 The B AT CHE L OR. 91 
 
 beau, with the grimace of a lady's monkey that 
 had loll: his agility by confinement and wearing fine 
 cloaths, decided the matter in a thrice, with the 
 pertnefs and felf fufliciency infcparable from cox- 
 combs. " For my part," fays he, " Though I 
 " own inyfelf partial to our countryman Swift, yet 
 " I muft candidly acknowledge Junius's fuperiority." 
 The fentiments of fuch a gofling critic would not be 
 worth notice, but as it feems to be the prevalent 
 opinion at prefent, I ihall fubmit fome remarks on 
 this fubjed to the candid reader. To difcufs it 
 with accuracy, we fiiould carefully diftingui/h be- 
 tween an author's thoughts and exprefhons ; the 
 latter being only the vehicle of the former, and the 
 moft trivial and trite fentiments may be rendered 
 agreeable to fome taftes, by being cloathed in a figu- 
 rative and fplendid didion. But ths mere tinfel, 
 this poliflied furface, will not dazzle every one's 
 eyes. 
 
 Junius I think fliould be clafled among thofe who 
 have gained public applaufe, rather by the fuperfici- 
 al embellifhments, than th§ intrinfic value of their 
 writings ; tor moll, if not all his merit, confifts in 
 well turned periods and a poliflied ftyle. On the 
 contrary, Swift is nervous and concife ; his fertile 
 fancy on every occafion fupplied him with the moft 
 ftinging, ludicrous, and apt comparifons and allufions, 
 conveyed in a language clear, exprefllve, and intelli- 
 gible to the meaneft capacity, 
 
 Mr. Addilbn fays, " The only way to try a piece 
 «* of wit, is to tranflate it into a different language ; 
 " if it bears the tefl, you may pronounce it true ; 
 " but if it vanlflies in the experiment, you may con- 
 
 «< elude
 
 92 The B A T C II E L O R. 
 
 " elude It to have been falfe." This criterion will 
 equally lerve tor the point In queftion. If Junlus's 
 letters were examined by that teft, the beauties of 
 expreffion would vanilTi at once, and leave him few 
 admirers or even readers ; whillt that rich vein of 
 thought, that poignant wit fo peculiar to Swift, 
 would dill attraft univerfal admiration and applnufe. 
 Swift's writings are like generous wine, which will 
 preferve its fpirit and flavour, though poured from 
 one vefTel into another; but Junlus's, like jether, 
 would evaporate in the operation. 
 
 I fhail juft mention a fingular felicity in Swift : 
 his Examners delight and improve to this day, and 
 though written occafionally in defence of a mini- 
 stry, yet they ftill charm thofe who can be no 
 longer interefled In the queftion. His extenfive ge- 
 nius could not be confined, but in its excurfions 
 elucidates feveral points, which do not feera 
 immediately conneQed with his fubjeft. It refem- 
 bles a fire kindled by fiiepherds on a mountain, 
 only for their own convenience, which yet ferves 
 as a guide to others, and illuminates the molt ditlant 
 objects. 
 
 I really cannot fee why Sir William Draper 
 fhould compliment Junius for his attic wit, unlefs he 
 meant to be ironical. The truth Is, that he fcarce 
 attempts to be witty except In his lalt letter, where- 
 in he compares the behaviour of a certain perfon, 
 *' To the termagent chaftity of a prude, who pro- 
 <' fecutes one man for a rape, whilft flie foliclts the 
 <' lewd euibraces of another." This comparlfon is 
 ftolen from one of our comic writers ; but Jualui 
 gives us a fpeclmen of his art in pafllng it for an
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 93 
 
 original, by the pomp and garnifh of words with, 
 which he has tricked it out ; — as a fcowerer of old 
 cloaths often impofes a fuit as new, the' it has alrea- 
 dy been worn by the mailer, and even his valet. 
 
 Swift has painted hiinfelf juftly in thefe two 
 lines. 
 
 " To rteal a hint was never known, 
 ♦' But what he writ, was all his own." 
 
 The outfide glitter and varnifh of Junius's flyle, can 
 never ftand the ted of criticifm ; it bears the fame 
 analogy to Swift's, that French plate does to filver ; 
 the one looks well at firft, but foon tarnifhes aiid lofes 
 its luftre ; whilft the latter improves, and grows 
 brighter by ufe. 
 
 In fhort, Junius by his fmooth declamation and 
 addrefs, attracts the attention of the public, and by 
 his fophiilry, evades the force of the ftrongell 
 charges againft him: in this fenfe, I underftood a 
 gentleman, diftinguifhed for his integrity and elo- 
 quence, who drew his chara6ter juftly, by calling 
 him the beft party writer he ever read. 
 
 As fome people do not fufpeft Junius of that fo- 
 phiftry in argument, which he conilantly employs, I 
 Ihall give a remarkable inftance of it, which will 
 prove what I have advanced, beyond a pollibility of 
 doubt. He accufes Sir William Draper in thefe 
 words, " Did the miniftry fuggeft any motives to 
 " you, ftrong enough to tempt a man of honour to 
 ♦' defert and betray the caufe of his fellow foldiers ? 
 " v/as it that blulhing ribband, which is now the 
 
 per-
 
 94 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 " perpetual ornament of your perfon ? or was it ~ 
 *' that regiiiunt which you afterwards fold?" Sic 
 William's anfwer difplays both fpirit and patriotifm. 
 •Junius afks, " by what accident did it happen, that 
 <♦ in the midft of all this butlle, and all the clamours 
 " for jullice to the injured troops, the Manilla ran- 
 " foni was fuddenly buiicd in a profound, and fince 
 " that time, an uninterrupted filence r" J will ex- 
 plain the caufc to the public. «' The feveral mini- 
 " fters who have been employed fince that lime, 
 *' have been very defirous to do juftice, from two 
 <« mod laudable motives, a ftrong inclination to afUft 
 " injured bravery, and to acquire a well deferved 
 •• popularity to thcmfelves. Their efforts have 
 ♦' been in vain. Some were ingenuous enough to 
 *' own, that they could not think of involving this 
 " diftrefled nation in another war, for our private 
 " concerns. In fliort, our rights, for the prefent, 
 " are facrificed to national convenience ; and I muft 
 »' confefs, that although I may lofe five and twenty 
 " thoufand pounds by their acquiefcence to this 
 *♦ breach of faith of the Spaniards, I think they are 
 " in the right to temporize, confidering the critical 
 ♦' fituation of this country, convulfed in every part 
 " by poifon, infufed by anonymous^ ivicked, and in- 
 *' cendiary tvriters. To fupport your ftory, you 
 " have recourfe to the following irrefiftihle argu- 
 ♦* ment : You fold the companions of your vidory, 
 ♦' becaufe when the fixteenth regiment was given to 
 •' you, you was filent. The conclufion is inevitable. 
 " I believe that fuch acute reafoning, could only 
 •' come from fuch an extraordinary writer as Junius. 
 u — But unfortunately for you, the premifes as well 
 *' as the conclufion, are abfolutely falfe, many appli- 
 »« cations have been made on the fubjecl of the 
 
 •' Manilla
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 95 
 
 <' Manilla ranfom, fince the time of my being Colo- 
 *' nel of that regiment. In the lall autumn, I per- 
 " fonally delivered a memorial to the Earl of Shel- 
 *' buine, at his feat in Wiltfhire."— — — — 
 
 Now let us obferve Junius's ingenuity, in defend- 
 ing himfelf He firft accufes Sir William of beinT 
 totally filent about the Manilla ranfom, from the 
 time he was appointed Colonel to the fixteenth regi- 
 ment. When Sir William has proved this afTertion 
 falfe, Junius fuddenly turns on his antagoniit, and 
 has the alUirance to make that very application to 
 the miniftry, (for the negletfl of which he has fo 
 lately ftigmatized him) the ground of a frefli accufa- 
 tion againft him. " Remember, Sir, fays he, " that 
 <' you have yourfelf confefTed, that confidering the 
 " critical fituation of this country y the miniflry are 
 " in the right to temporife 'with Spain. This confei- 
 «' fion reduces you to an unfortunate dilemma. By 
 *' renewing your felicitations, you muft either mean 
 *' to force your country into a war at a moft unfca- 
 << fonable jundure ; or having no view or expeftati- 
 " ons of that kind, that you look for nothing but a 
 " private compenfation for yourfelf." — Is this reafon- 
 ing or fophiftry .'' Are not concelhons often gained 
 from a foreign court, by one adminiftration, which 
 have been refufed to a former } It was therefore Sir 
 William's duty to apply when he had any profpetSt 
 
 of fucceeding. What opinion fhouid we now 
 
 entertain of Junius's ridiculous dilemna .'' only this, 
 that it retorts on himfelf 
 
 I fhall conclude with this general remark, that 
 falfe logic, and elegant phrafes, may often impofe on 
 
 an
 
 96 Tlie B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 an ignorant and fuperficial reader; but on a clofe ex- 
 amination, their futility and emptinefs will be evi- 
 dent : thus a counterfeit guinea may pafs current, 
 'ci!l ivbighing it difcovcrs the cheat. 
 
 Yours, &c. 
 
 Y 
 
 NUMBER X^'III. 
 
 Ridcntem dicere ^oeruu:, 
 $u:s 'vstat P 
 
 To Jeoffry Wacstaffe, Efq, 
 
 HOR. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 IAM almoft tempted, like Pythagoras, to cry out 
 JLv^iy.x. fince I flatter myfelf that I have found 
 out the origin of all our national niiferies. I know 
 our patriots afcrlbe them to the prorogation ; yet 
 ftill, I think, they carry the joke too far, when they 
 impute the late famine in Bengal to the fame caufe. 
 WlieP. I reflected on the great advantages this king- 
 dom has received from the inland navigations, at a 
 trifling expence : when I confidered the patriotic 
 labours of the Dublin Society, who fo generoufly en- 
 courage the lead ingenuity in our tradefmen, that 
 ihey once granted a prsmium to a v/hee!-rlght, who 
 had made an improvement on an old fifiiioned rat- 
 trap ; then, fir, I feriouOy communed •with my oivn 
 
 heart.
 
 The B AT C HE LO R. 97 
 
 heartt and was furprized at the poverty and niifery 
 of the natives, who feem as yet to have derived lit- 
 tle advantage from the improved ftate of a^iairs in 
 this country. At laft, I began to fufpeQ that there 
 is fome radical defedt, either in politics or morals, 
 which ftill kept us in a ftate of barbarifm. I con- 
 fulted Doftor Lucas and our Lifh Demofthenes on 
 this fubjed, and they both folemnly vowed that 
 Poyning's Law was the fole caufe of all our cala- 
 mities. — They wept like Cato over their dear coun- 
 try, perpetually expatiating on the fame inexhauf- 
 tible topic : — They verify'd counfellor Scott's 
 humorous application of two beautiful liiies in 
 Virgil. 
 
 Te dulcis Poyning's, te folo in litore Cecum, 
 Te I'eriente die, te decedente canebut. 
 
 However, fir, though I pay the utmoU deference 
 to their opinions,! was not convinced. I afked ihcm, 
 if Poyning's law obliged our peafants to go barefoot, 
 live wfmoky cnblins, and neither eat bread or meat P 
 They both laid their hands on their hearts, lifted 
 up their eyes to heaven, and fwore with the utniofl: 
 fincerity, that the odious, tyranical, arbitrary, uncon- 
 Jiitutional zr\d opprefffve Privv Co unci/,, had ori~ 
 ginated all thefe griveances by ufurping the power 
 of framing a Money-bill, which had adually reduc- 
 ed us to a rtate of flavery. — " Heivers of wood, and 
 draivers of water. — Still unfatisfied with this foluti- 
 on, I attempted to find out fome more probable 
 caufe ; fome general principle, which might be ra- 
 tionally applied to our whole political oeconomy. At 
 laft, I difcovered that all our grievances take their 
 rife from that unchiiftian and abominable cuilom of 
 F the
 
 98 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 the common people's feeding on Potatoes. This 
 bold aflertion, I know, will fecm paradoxical to 
 Ibme grave politicians ; yet, I think, can be eafily de- 
 monftrated. I fliall, therefore, attempt to elucidate 
 the fubjeft, and difpel every pade of darknefi, by an 
 inundution of light. 
 
 Firfi, It Is univerPallj allowed, that wherever 
 food is eafily acquired, either by the fpontaneous 
 produflion of the earth, or by little pains and la- 
 bour, there the people remain barbarous and uncivi- 
 lized, dirty and lazy. — This, fir, is the ftate of na- 
 ture. The vis inertitE Is not confined to matter ,- let 
 philofophers fay what they will, it equally extends 
 to mankind. To confirm this reafoning, we Should 
 obferve that in the firft ages of the world, when men 
 fed on pignuts and acoriis, they were on a level with 
 the beads of the field. Agriculture, by multiply- 
 ing and providing for their neceifities, recovered 
 them from that deplorable flate of barbarlfm, into 
 which they fell on the lapfe of our firfl: parents. 
 The Indian tribes who feed on yams, exadly refem- 
 ble our wild Irifii. Thofe who cultivate the maize, 
 are as much fuperlor to them, as the Engli/h are to 
 us. I am convinced that potatoes were never defign- 
 ed for men ; nay, I feriouHy think they were the 
 forbiddeti fruit, in the garden of Eden : It gives me 
 fincere pleafure to hear that the great Do(5lor War- 
 burton is now writing a treatife to demonfirate it, 
 which v/ill certainly be a valuable appendix to his 
 Divine Legation. 
 
 The difcovery of America, Introduced the lues 
 fuenerea, and potatoes Into Europe, and ft would 
 puzzle the Conjlitutional Club, or the Robinhood 
 
 Society,
 
 The B A T C n E L O R. 99 
 
 Stciety, to determine which of them has been nioft 
 prejudicial to fociety. But it is now time to exa- 
 mine, how this kingdom fuffers in an eminent degree 
 by this cuafed root. — It has railed the rent of 
 land to a nioft exorbitant pitch: for, the peafants, 
 by living folely on potatoes, drinking water, and 
 going naked, maintain themfe'ves and famillies 
 at a very cheap rate, and prove the bed tenants 
 to our needy landlords. Thofe humane gentle- 
 men therefore labour indefatigably to p!ant the 
 potatoe feeders in all parts of the kii^gdom. When 
 ever a leafe expires in the North, they are ge- 
 neroufljr invited from Connaught and Munfler, by 
 public advertifements, under the gentle call of, " no 
 " exception being Tii&de to religion." The Proteftant 
 manufadurer, who muil eat bread, is out-bid by 
 thefe emigrants, and banifhed from his country, to 
 take ftielter in the wilds of America. 7"hus potatoes 
 ferve as a bribe to our landed gentry, to encourage 
 Popery ; and our charter fchools can be of no fer- 
 vice, till that weed is banilhed from the face of the 
 earth. 
 
 Some patriots in Munfler, indeed fenfible of thefe 
 bad efFedts, are attempting to check this pernicious 
 cultivation, by kn'mg potatoe ground zx. four or five 
 pound an acre. — That was their generous motive, 
 and I efteem myfelf peculiarly fortunate in having 
 an opportunity of vindicating our patriotic gentry 
 from every unjuft and illiberal afperfion. — I know it 
 has been invidiouQy faid (without the leaft foundati- 
 on) that their oppreflion, rack-rents and extortion, 
 occafioned the rebellious infutredions of the White 
 Boys, who as the Freeman v/ilely obferves are infti- 
 F z gated
 
 lOO The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 gated by the Earl of Bute and the Jefuits, to intro- 
 duce the Pope and the Pretender. — This calumnious 
 fifTertion might be eafily confuted, but even fuppo- 
 fing it a h(X ; — dill thofe generous landlords deferve 
 the thanks of every loyal (ubjeft for deviling a moft 
 efFe£tual plan for promoting the prote/Iaiit intereji by 
 driving Papills to riot and rebellion, and then hang- 
 ing them lor thofe atrocious crimes. 
 
 I hope Sir Toby Punch will move for a bill thi^ 
 feffion, to make it felony, without the benefit of 
 clergy, to eat potatoes. This will do him great ho- 
 nour, and be extremely beneficial to the kingdom, 
 tho" it ivill not reduce the hereditary re'venue. Agri- 
 culture can only flourilh where the people eat bread : 
 ploughing, fowing, and reaping, furnifh employment 
 the whole year round. Thus, habitual labour, by 
 degrees, would banifli that lazlnefs and pride, which 
 diftinguifli the true M lefian blood 
 
 It is a melancholy pilgrimage, to travel through 
 this country, and fee the beautiful healthy children, 
 which every cabbin produces, bred up in iloth, filth, 
 and idlenefs, — a burthen to themfelves and the pub- 
 lic. I have often feen half a dozen of them feated 
 on the dunghill, before the door, and their white and 
 ihining fkins put me in mind of blanched almonds 
 ftuck in an orange pudding. 
 
 I {hall conclude with a feiious addrefs to the cler- 
 oy, to recommend it to their feveral congregations, 
 to enter into zfdemn league and covenant, totally to 
 abftain from eating potatoes. I need not mention 
 the great advantages the eftablifhed' clergy would 
 derive from this, as their livings would be double 
 
 and
 
 The B A T C II E L O R. loi 
 
 and trebble what they are at prellnt. NecefHty 
 would no longer compel ihem to quarrel with the 
 poor cotters and dijlrain them, for the tythe of their 
 potatoe gardens. Yet it is not for the mere value 
 of the tythe, which feldom amounts to a fhiliing ; — ■ 
 too generous to be influenced by fuch fordid mo- 
 tives, they are infpired by the generous principle of 
 defending the rights and privileges of the church, 
 a principle which their greatell: enemies confefs they 
 never deferted, under the chrillian or pagan fyflem. 
 — If the learned divine who wrote an excellent eflay 
 againfl: the heiiious crime of eating black puddings, 
 were liill alive, I do not queftion, but he would oblige 
 the world with as ufcful and valuable a treatifc to 
 prove the devouring of potatoes, contrary both to 
 reafon and fcriptiire. — As our reverend teachers are 
 always ready, to promote the good of their flocks, 
 I make no doubt of their concurrence and powerful 
 affiftance. 
 
 I am> fir, your's, &c. 
 Y ANTIPOTATOE. 
 
 NUM-
 
 102 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 NUMBER XIX. 
 
 VEpoqiie dt la politeffe des Romnins, efi la meme que 
 cells de V ctahlijjement dit pour^oir arhitralre. 
 Le goit'vernment ahfolu produit Voiftvel'c, iff /" oiji- 
 I'ete fait nut Ire la P'diteJJe. — Plus ily a de gens dans 
 line nation qui ont hefoin d" a'voir des m':nagemens 
 entreux i^ de ne pas diplaire, plus il y a de poli- 
 teffe. Mais c ejl plus la politejfe des niaeurs que 
 telle des manieres, qui doit nous difiinguer des pen- 
 pies barhares. 
 
 De L'Esprit des Loix. 
 
 'R. Plume, in one of his Ingenious efT.iys, 
 quotes this paffage from Menander, " That 
 " it is not in the power of the gods, to make a po- 
 " h"te foldierj" and thenjullly obferves, " the ideas 
 " v.hich the antients formed of politenefs, mufl; be 
 " very different from ouis." — It feem?, they imagin- 
 ed poHtenefs was bed: acquired by cuhivating the 
 undeiftanding, and iii^proving in philofophy : now, 
 a foldier's life not being fo well calculated for thefe 
 intelleclual improvements, gave the comic writer 
 fome grounds for this fatyrical ftrifture. 
 
 Our politenefs is founded on a modifli addrefs, 
 nicely adjufted to exprefs our refpcd to perfons, 
 accordir:g to their rank and llation in life ; and there- 
 fore monarchies, wheie peculiar piivileges are an- 
 nexed to titles and nobility, muft always be the feat 
 of elegant un ) poliihcd manners. Montefquicu fays, 
 
 that
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 103 
 
 that flavery and politenefs made an equal progrefs 
 among the Romans j and nobly adds, " that a po- 
 ** litenefs in morals, rather than manners, fliould dif- 
 " tinguifii a civih"zed people from barbarians." 
 
 It is not uncommon, to hear young travellers ex- 
 patiate on the extreme urbanity of the French pea- 
 fants, and the rudenefs of the Englifh ones ; not 
 confidering, that fuch eifeds are necelTarily produc- 
 ed by the fervility and freedom of their refpedive 
 governments. 
 
 .The free and generous fpirit of liberty and equa- 
 lity, diffufed among the Grecian Republics, made 
 each individual difdain a fervile dependence, or 
 fubjeQion to the will of another : where men were 
 only dillinguiflied by fuperior Ikill in arts and arms, 
 they could be little acquainted with thofe forms and 
 ceremonies, invented to flatter the vanity and arro- 
 gance of the rich and great. 
 
 ♦* That idle fupplement of worth," 
 
 That vain pretence to fame, 
 By vulgar fools fet forth 
 
 With honour's facred name. 
 
 The empty found which lulls mankind 
 V/iih fawning titles, flattery, and deceit; 
 Had not, as yet, become a tool of ftate. 
 
 And rul'd the tyrant of the human kind. 
 
 GuARiNi's Paftor Fido. 
 
 When * fee worthlefs people reverenced merely 
 
 for their dignity and fortune, it puts me in mind of 
 
 the Egyptians deifying and worfliipping monkeys : 
 
 it was an artful and refined Itroke of policy in them, 
 
 F 4 to
 
 104 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 to fingle out fo ridiculous an anniiiial, in Older to 
 llicw, that the moil dcfpicable pertbn was intitled to 
 levcreixe, by the honours conferred on him. 
 
 Some illuflrlous perfonagcs choofc to fcrecn thcm- 
 feives from pub ic view, by pomp and pageantry : 
 this I think is very excufabie, when it proceeds from 
 niodeliy, and a confcioufnefs that the iefs they are 
 known, the more they will be cfteemcd — If they 
 poflcfTed Ihining talents, and intiinfic merit, they 
 would be glad to lay afide the ulelels incumbrance 
 of ftate, and tlifplay thofe qualities which can alone 
 render men great and amiable. — Such was a Chefter- 
 field's conduct when among us. To give another 
 inftance at prefcnt, might be reckoned flattery. 
 
 Civility and complaifance, an external poHHi and 
 refinement, have been adopted, as a fubllitutc for 
 hiimaiiiiy and benevolence. To difguife every {sn- 
 timent of tlie human heart, is efteemed an effential 
 point in modern politenefs, which has arrived to its 
 litniofl: peife6tion in courts, where there is the great- 
 ell demarid for difllmu^ation. Thus it ferves a double 
 purpofe — to varnifh the outfide, and difguife the 
 heart; like painting window s, which both beautifies 
 and obfcures them. — This has alfo given birth to the 
 double entendre, fo much the mode of modern con- 
 verfation ; for it is not the defign of this fyflem, to 
 banifh all indelicate ideas, but to gain them an eafier 
 admifllon, by aiming at the fancy, without offending 
 the ear. By this means, the imagination is rendered 
 *' tremblingly alive all o'er," and ready to take fire at 
 vhe moft dKhnt illufion ; like Phofphorus, which v/ill 
 biaze by the mere warmth of the hand : it alfo give* 
 iadies a fpecious pretence of afftfling ignorance, and 
 
 fo
 
 The B A T C HELO R. 103 
 
 fo liftening to fuch converfation, without any breach 
 of the laws of decorum. 
 
 Certain loofe phrafes are alfo profcribed In good 
 company, not on account of their immodefty, but 
 becaufe dirtant hints have a better efFed on a chaffed 
 and apprehenfive fancy, without conveying precife 
 ideas, which might reftrain its agreeable wander- 
 ings. 
 
 A nice and faftldlous ear diftingulflies the fafhio- 
 nable from the unpolifhed part of the fex ; the latter 
 are feldom offended by indecent words, becaufe they 
 do not pique themfelves on appearing Ignorant of 
 their meaning ; — but as fuch expreffions are too 
 pkin, not to be clearly inlelHgible, they are highly 
 refented by the former, who are then torced to feeni 
 angry, to keep up a ihew of modefty. 
 
 When a blufli vermiUions the face of a well-bred 
 woman, it Is fuch a fpurlous one, as Swift mentions, 
 *' They blufh becaufe they underfland ;" that is, 
 from the pleafuve they find In the fubjedt, and in 
 their quicknefs of apprehenfion. — This is very dif- 
 ferent from the genuine blufh of modefty, the off- 
 fprlng of a delicate mind, alarmed at any Ideas in- 
 confilient with its own purity, and wifely defigned 
 by nature as a check and guard againll the foft and 
 ■feducing allurements of fenfual paffion. 
 
 Diffidence, timidity, and a train of delicate appre- 
 
 henfions, are the beft prefervatives of female virtue: 
 
 modern manners have a dire(St tendency to deprive 
 
 , the ladies of ihofe unfafhionable qualities. This 
 
 judicious mode of conquering the fair, was firfl in:- 
 
 F 5 troduced
 
 io6 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 troduced in France: the Benux Efprits confiJer a 
 wojnan like an ai tichoke, which mull be (Iript of its 
 leaves, to come at its bottom. 
 
 Y 
 NUMBER XX. 
 
 -On tJy other fide up rofe 
 
 Belial. • hefeemed 
 
 For dignity cotnpofed and high exploit : 
 But all ivas falfe and hollonv j though his tongue 
 Dropped manna, and could make the ivorfe appear 
 The better reafon, to perplex and dajh 
 Mature]} counfels ; for his thoughts ivere loiv ; 
 To 'vice indujlrious but to nobler deeds 
 Timorous and Jlothful : jet he plea/ed the ear. 
 
 Milton. 
 
 To jEOrfRY Wagstaffe, Efq. 
 
 SI R, 
 
 HAVE always been an admirer of Junfus's At- 
 tick eloquence. He is equally conrife, clear, and 
 nervous ; and not more diftinguifhed by fuperior abi- 
 lities, than by a peculiarity of ftylc, which has pro- 
 duced fo many vapid and weak imitations. — We 
 have fcarce a writer in our language, by whom we 
 can form a comparative idea of his merit. Our 
 v.'itty conntryman, Swift, has left us no fpecimens 
 of that rapid and commanding eloquence, which 
 feems to flow -vith fuch eafe from Junius's pen. 
 
 The
 
 The BATCHELOR. 107 
 
 The quick and fertile fancy of the one, always fur- 
 nlllied him with ludicrous comparifons, flinging far- 
 cafnis, and apt allufions : his language was correft, 
 expreflive, and intelligible to the meaneft capacity. 
 The perfuaflve energy of the other, attracts our at- 
 tention, and as he proceeds, we ftiU conceive an 
 higher idea of his fubtle genius ; even when we 
 fuppofe him exhaufted, he aftonifhes us with new 
 and fiirprifing flrokes of the moil refined and bitter 
 faiire. 
 
 Junlus's letters, and Lord Bolingbroke's papers in 
 the Ciafts-man, bear a clofe refemblance to each 
 other ; but the former are manifeftly fuperior. Bo- 
 lingbroke is difFufe and verbofe ; his periods are 
 often tedious ; the fenfe left ambiguous by a wrong 
 arangement, and frequently broken by fuperfluous 
 and encumbering parenthefes. On the contrary, Ju- 
 nius condenfes his thoughts ; — they acquire, like a 
 Phalanx, additional force from their compa£tnefs : 
 The perfpicuity of his ftyle is remarkable, for it is 
 impolFible to miftake his meaning. — With all thefe 
 advantages, Junius is but a fophift : his arguments, 
 cloathed in a figurative and fplendid diftion, convey 
 an infidious addrefs to the paflions and prejudices 
 of his readers, inftead of a candid appeal to their 
 underflandings. 
 
 When a Junius appears, faction revives with new 
 vigour, and the defponding patriots acquire frefli 
 courage : all hope is centered in him. They fancy 
 themlelves in the fame fituation of the Jews, when 
 their being <vi61ors, or 'Varnjuijhed, folely depended 
 on the raifing or deprelling of JVlofes's hands. — Eve- 
 ry perfon of lafte, indeed, v/ill readily acknowledge, 
 
 that
 
 io8 The B A T C II E L O R. 
 
 that Juni'js's letter, to Lord ManiTield is a inaQcr-piece 
 of eloquence : It may find n foil in the brighetl: boalls 
 of antiquity. — Yet he niillrulls his own abilities, 
 and doubts the goodnefs of his caufe, when he 
 treads in the beaten track of fcurrility, chalked out 
 by the defpicable Mr. Wilkes. To court popular 
 applaufe, he flatters national prejudices, and forfeits 
 the title of a good fubjedt, and a good man, to rival 
 Mr. Wilkes in the worft part of his public conduft. 
 " Perilh all national refledtions, as illiberal, bafe, 
 •* and unmanly." — Junius afFeds to admire L. 
 
 Chatham, he fliould remember his words. Did 
 
 he hope to fupply the want cf candour and truth, 
 in his invedtive againll Lord Man>field by an ungene- 
 rous abufe of his countrymen, the Scotch? Such a 
 dpfign implys an involuntary compliment to his Lord- 
 fliip's integrity. 
 
 As a ftriking indance of Junius's fbphiftry and 
 mifrepiefentation, let us examine the following paf- 
 fage. " It is not in political quelllons only," fays 
 he, " (for there the courtier might be forgiven) but 
 ** let the caufe be what it may, your underftanding 
 *' is equally on the rack, either to contract the pow- 
 ♦• er of the jury, or to miflead their judgment. For 
 •* the truth of this aflertion, I appeal to the doQrine 
 " you delivered in Lord Grofvenor's caufe. An 
 ♦' action for criminal converfation, being brought by 
 •' a peer againfl: a prince of the blood, you were 
 *' daring enough to tell the jury, that in fi>;ing the 
 " damages, they v/ere to pay no regard to the quali- 
 •• ty or fortune of the parties ; that it was a trial be- 
 " tween A and B — that they were to confider the 
 " oftence in a moral light only, and give no greater 
 *' damages to a peer of the realm, than to the 
 
 •' meanefl:
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 109 
 
 *' meaneft mechanic." The falfity of Junius's zC- 
 feriion, will be evident, by quotting that part of 
 Lord Mansfield's charge to the jury, which Ju- 
 nius fo malicioully perverts. His lordl^ip fum- 
 med up the proof with the utniofl: ftriclnefs and 
 Impartiality, and concluded by faying, " That the 
 " jury were to copfider the damages recei'ued. ar,d 
 *' give an adequate recompence to the perfon injured, 
 " and not give a fum as a punifhment up:^n the per- 
 <« fon who comniited the injury : for in that cafe it 
 *' would become rather a fine, which would be en- 
 <' croaching on- the power of the court, in whofe 
 << breaft the inflidling fines alone depends." Here Lord 
 Mansfield makes a proper and fair diftii.dion, equally 
 confonant to law and equity. The jury were to be 
 determined in their verdict, folely by the injury done 
 to Lord Grofvenor but as that was not aggravated by 
 the rank of the offender, they were not to be influenc- 
 ed by it. Lord Mansfield neither faid, nor could be 
 underftood to mean what Junius alTtrts. His lord- 
 fh'p's meaning is obvious, and by the very terms 
 he ufes, the jury muft have feen, that Lord ( rof- 
 venor's rank and ftation in life, were material cir- 
 cumftances, immediately recommended to their 
 confideration. How elfe v;ere they to adjudge fi^^- 
 yw«/f damages to the plaintiff, according to Lerd 
 Mansfield's charge ? 
 
 Lord Mansfield's treatment of Mr. Blngley, Is alfo 
 reprefented by Junius with the utmoft fophiftry and 
 want of candour. Mr. B. was juftly punifhable 
 for refufing to anfwer interrogatories ; that is deny- 
 ing the jurifdi(5lion of the court, which certainly iai- 
 plyes a contempt of it. After two years in)piifon- 
 ment, he was enlarged, though his confinement 
 
 might
 
 no The B ATCHELOR. 
 
 might have lalled till he had fubniitted himfelf to 
 ihe laws of his country. As the court was inverted 
 with a difcretionary power, L. Mansfield's releafing 
 Mr. B. was a humane and generous atSt ; yet Ju- 
 nius attempts to depreciate fuch an aclion by impu- 
 ting it to a mean and defpicable motive : inrtead 
 of acknowledging L. Mansfield's humanity in not 
 detaining Mr. B. any longer a prifoner, he abu- 
 fes his lordflilp with virulence for detaining him fo 
 long- 
 
 The learned author, indeed, of " Confiderations 
 " on the modes of trial by information and attach- 
 " ment," difapproves of both, as uufuitable to the 
 free fpirit and genius of the BritiOi government, and 
 wifhes for the conltitutional interpofition of the le- 
 giflature to limit or abolijh them : but he throws no 
 ungenerous refledions on the court of King's 
 Bench, for purfuing thofe modes at prefent, as he 
 well knew the judges have no authority to deviate 
 from the etlablifhed and legal forms. This ingenu- 
 ous manner of reafoning, diftinguifhes candid dif- 
 quifition from party declamation : but Junius art- 
 fully afcrlbes the feverlty of the laws in particular 
 cafes, to the arbitrary decifion of the jmlge, in 
 order to render Lord Mansfield the objeft of popular 
 odium. 
 
 As Junius has (o audacioufly mlfreprefented Lord 
 Mansfield in points which lie fo. open to the public 
 infpedion ; what opinion fhould we entertain of 
 thofe parts of his letter, wherein he cenfures his 
 lordfliip's minifterial conduct .'' Let us not fufFer our- 
 felves to be deceived by the outfide glitter and var- 
 ni/h of Junius's ftyle, but examine his arguments 
 
 divefted
 
 The BAT CHE LOR. in 
 
 diverted of all fuperficial embellifliments. His elo- 
 quent inveftives may dazzle the weak, and alarm the 
 timid : the fenfible part of mankind will admire his 
 ingenuity, but laugh at his logic. His fophilllcal 
 eloquence, fo deficient in truth and reafon, refem- 
 bles the undulating light often produced by phof- 
 phorus, which has the luminous property of flame, 
 but not the heat. 
 
 Let every honefl: man reflect with pleafure, that 
 a confcioufnefs of meriting Junius's cauftic fatire, 
 can only make him a formidable foe- His rancour 
 may aim the blow, but confcience muft inflift 
 the wound. The calm funfhine of the foul, cannot 
 be clouded by his malevolence. Vice and folly 
 may feel the edge of his wit, but virtue is in- 
 vulnerable, as aqua fortis can only penetrate and 
 dilfolve bafe metals ^ its corrofive quality is loft on 
 gold. 
 
 I am, fir, yours, 
 
 P H O C I O N. 
 
 NUM-
 
 112 The B ATCIIELOR. 
 
 NUMBER XXI. 
 
 Hi motus animorum, y hwc cerlamina tantUy 
 Pul'veris exigui juiiu comprejja quiefciint. 
 
 VlRG. 
 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 THE ignorance and perplexity of our financiers, 
 might induce an unexperienced perfon to 
 think, that the national accounts depended on alge- 
 braic calculation — Every quefon propofed by admi- 
 riftration, though clear and fiinple in itfelf, is ren- 
 dered obfcure and unintelligible, by the harrangues of 
 fome half-witted orators. The precifion and point- 
 ed eloquence of Hutchinfon, cannot refcue the 
 Houfe from the endlefs perplexities of Sir William 
 M — y — re, and the obfcure elaborate comments of 
 Sir Lu — s O'B — n. The candour and moderation 
 of Mr. Mai one ; his fuperior abilities, which never 
 excited envy, hecaufe they were never exerted with 
 un-mannered infolence, to obtain an ungenerous 
 triumph over the weak and defencelefs : — yet this 
 diftinguilhed character cannot proteft him from the 
 illiberal InveClives of the Kilkenny orator, who 
 feems determined to make his countenance a true 
 index to his heart. The Attorney General is juftly 
 rewarded by his rhetorical client ■: perfonal abufe 
 
 is the coin with which Mr. F d fees his lawyers. 
 
 Few men, perhaps, know mankind better than 
 
 Mr. T 11 j though he was deceived in the 
 
 orator,
 
 The B A TC HE LOR. 113 
 
 orator, and Is juflly puniflied for his want of fa- 
 gacity. 
 
 Lafl; Saturday's proceedings furnifh the ftrongeft 
 proof of the temper and principles of our patriots 
 — Procrafcination and delay are their objcds. The 
 fervants of tie crown agreed to every meafure 
 which had the leaft tendency to public utility — 
 The arrears of half-pay, and officer's widows, 
 were ftruck otf, and the only point in debate, 
 was to prevent any injuftice to particulars^ which 
 might arife from this innovation. 
 
 To give the reader a clear idea of the fubjefl, I 
 fnall iiifert a (hort abftradl of the national account, 
 as it then ftood. 
 
 Debt at Lady-day, 1771, by re- ^ 
 port of the Committee of Ac- > 788)474 u 4-| 
 counts. J 
 
 To which was added, fo much 
 difpofed of by addrefs of the 
 Houfe of Commons, in feilion 
 1769, being a balance due 
 from Mr. Prat, late deputy 
 vice-treafurer, 
 
 i7'994 » 5i 
 
 Difmifled colledors, 14,060 14 loi 
 
 i;82o,^29 7 7J 
 
 iC'094.
 
 114 The B ATC HELOR. 
 
 jCio94, a faving on the army, was deduced from 
 the debt in the pubh'c accounts, by the Coinmittee 
 to whom they were referred. 
 
 Struck off. 
 
 Arrear of penfions, — — 2,514 8 4I 
 
 • of oificers widows, — 24,237 5 i^ 
 
 ofh;ilf-pa, — 
 
 11,457 
 
 '4 
 
 I 
 
 I 38-209 
 
 782,320 
 
 7 
 
 
 » 1 
 
 /a 
 
 jC820,529 
 
 7 
 
 7-1 
 
 Funded debt rcmnining un- ^ 
 
 A .T 4 J > 725 ,000 O O 
 
 drawn at Lady-day, 1771. j ' ' 
 
 On this ground, the Attorney General propofed 
 the following refolution, " That the debt of the 
 " nation at Lady-day, 1771, amounted to the fum 
 " of 782,3201." 
 
 Mr. Huifey moved for another refolution, " That 
 " the funded debi of the nation at Lady- 
 •' day, 1771, only amounted to 725,000 i." If 
 this had paffed, the balance between the two fums, 
 (57,320 1.) which was unavoidably expended in 
 lupport of his Majefty's government, would not 
 be included in the national debt ; — and though eve- 
 ry article of expence, which had occafioned the 
 excee dings in the laft two years, had been already 
 laid before the Committee of Accounts; yet, if 
 
 this
 
 The B A TC HE LOR. 115 
 
 this abfurd motion had been carried in the afEr- 
 mative, the Committee of Supply muft have refold- 
 ed itfelf into a Committee of Accounts, to vvrar,gle 
 8}ice more over thefe articles ! Numberlefs precedents 
 were produced, to fhew that the Attorney Gene- 
 ral's motion was parliamentary and proper. The 
 patriots, unable to anfwer their opponents argu- 
 ments, moved for the quellion of adjournment, and 
 divided upon it; but finding every eifort ineffedlual, 
 and that a fpirited majority were determined to do 
 their duty, they at laft retired in defpair, and gave up 
 the point, 
 
 I fhould not omit mentioning a debate, which 
 enfued on a jefolution being propofed, for applying 
 9000I. to the credit of the nation, (returned in the 
 arrears) . This was the remaining balance of a large 
 fum, appropriated by a£t of parliament, to ere£l bat- 
 teries for the fecurity and defence of the harbour of 
 Corke, and to purchafe arras for the militia. 
 
 Lord Townfhend, it feems, in his tour through 
 the fouthern parts of the kingdom had obferved 
 the prefent defencelefs ftate of the harbour of 
 Corke. The money formerly granted, was jobbed 
 away in building a fort and batteries, where they 
 could be of no fervice. The fort has fallen into 
 ruins, by the firing of the guns on rejoicing days ! 
 — yet there is an ifland in the mouth of the har- 
 bour, where batteries might be ereded, which 
 would in fome degree proted the trade of that opu- 
 lent and commercial city. This idea his Excel- 
 lency adopted — An eftimate had been made out, 
 and it appeared, that the intended plan might be 
 executed for 7500. Mr. Ponfonby, the late Speak- 
 er,
 
 ii6 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 er, oppofed the meafure ; very confiftentlv', Indeed, 
 becaufe it was not a job. — " He talked oi i 50,000 1. 
 " being abfolutely requifite for the work." His 
 fon, one of the reprefentaiives of the city of Co ke, 
 likewife exerted his hereditary eloquence, againft 
 the efTential intereft of that city which had chofen 
 
 him. Mr. F d digreJJ'ed in his ufual manner, and 
 
 peremptorily infided, " That there was no occa- 
 " fion for fonifications in this kingdom, as he 
 " very well knew that France v/ould never in- 
 " vade us. The idea was prepofterous and ab- 
 <* furd." To Ihew his fiill in geography, he faid, 
 " a French fleet muft fail up the Englijb Channel^ 
 ** and force its way through the Britifh fleet, in 
 " order to land in i\iQ fouthern or ivejlern parts of 
 " this kingdom ! — That there was no reafon to 
 *' believe that Conjlans intended to land troops on 
 '• our coaft:, though Thurot (who was to a£l in 
 " concert with him) had landed in the North. — 
 «♦ That he would never believe it. — That if the 
 " French intended to Jlrike at the 'vitals of our 
 *' conjlitution, they fliould embark ai Calais, and land 
 *' at Dover !" 
 
 You may think, Mr. Wagftaffe, that I mifrepre- 
 fent his mode of reafoning — I appeal to a numerous 
 audience for the truth of what I advance. In fliort, 
 this celebrated orator often put me in mind of the 
 Barber's Boy, in the farce of the Upholfterer. 
 
 Sir Lu — -s O'B — n droped his ufual grave and 
 fententious addrefs, and atFefted to be facetious. 
 Sir W. M — y — re was treated by Mr. Scot, like 
 the afs in the fable, for miltaking his talents, and 
 
 mimicking
 
 I'he BATCHELOR. 
 
 117 
 
 mimicking the tricks of a kp-dog ; this gentle 
 correction may be of Infinite fervice to both thefe 
 knights. 
 
 C 1 B — rt — n fpoke in a manly, fpirited ftyle : 
 
 his arguments were well received by the lloufe, and 
 had weight in deciding the quellion. 
 
 I am, fir, yours, &c. 
 
 Novemher the z6ihy 1771. 
 
 A SENATOR. 
 
 NUMBER XXII. 
 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. 
 
 SIR, ' 
 
 I OWN myXelf particularly pleafed with a true 
 charafteriftical |)anegyric on that fublime, and 
 nervous orator, Mr. Flood, in laft Saturday's Free- 
 man. The noble author, (L — d Cha nt) who 
 
 affumes the name of Tacitus, pofTefTes, in an eminent 
 degree, both the fententious precifion of the hifto- 
 
 rian, and the fentimental tafte of Longinus. The 
 
 following extract from his clafiical epiftle, will fur- 
 nifli the beft proof of my affertion. " I have heard 
 ♦* much of Demofthenes, from the teftimony of his 
 " contemporaries; of Cicero, from his own. They 
 *' where the ornaments of the moft refined ages of 
 <• antiquity ; — Mr. Flood is the ornament of an age 
 ** ftill more refined : his tafte is manly, his images 
 
 ♦* are
 
 ii8 The BAT CHE LOR. 
 
 «' are juft — his knoiuledge accurate and extettfive. 
 «« As the fubjeit requires it, lie ftrikes you down of 
 " a fudden, with the flrong quick lightning of the 
 <• Athenian orator ; or conj'umes you with the flow, 
 <' fteady conflagration of the Roman. If Longinus 
 " were now living, he wouid join me in fl:amping 
 *' both ihefe charaders on Mr. Flood, as readily as 
 " he beflowed them feparately on Deniollhenes and 
 «' Tully." 
 
 It is my utmofl: ambition, fir, to illuflrate the jufl: 
 and beautiful fentiments of this judicious critic, by 
 giving them a poetical drefs : you, Mr. Wagftatfe, 
 will have another opportunity of convincing the 
 public of your impartiality and candour, by inferting 
 the inclofed verfes, and treating with proper defe- 
 rence and refpeft, a man, who by the moll: vigorous 
 and perfeverir.g efforts, in every noble ftudy and fci- 
 ence that can accomplifli the orator, has at lafl: at- 
 tained the fummit of perfeftion, and is now become 
 the fcourge of corruption, the terror of the court, 
 the champion of his country, and the pillar of 
 oppofition. I could fay much more on fo inex- 
 hauftible, and agreeable a fubje£t, but I juft: recol- 
 le<5t Pliny's maxim, *' Amici eji, ne quenquam enerare 
 " laudibus" 
 
 I am, fir, yours, 
 
 PHILO TACITUS.
 
 The B A TC HE LOR. 119 
 
 To H Y F D, Efq. 
 
 I. 
 
 OF D, thou genius of the age, 
 Hibernia's exultation [ 
 You ftrike us with the lightning's rage ; 
 Confume by conflagration. 
 
 IL 
 
 By mere ilijiortion you arofe, 
 
 True eloquence to fpout j 
 As inufic from a cymbal flows, 
 
 By luinding it about. 
 
 III. 
 
 Your tafte Is manly j—^j/r^^jufl:. 
 Which fpring from objects local ; 
 
 Your tropes like to a torrent burft, 
 ** And makes the benches 'uocal." 
 
 IV. 
 
 As tumblers y?rf/f/^ their nat'ral fize, 
 
 Ey Jirainitig every joint ; 
 So you from Truth, can fubtilize. 
 
 To reach a fav'rite point. 
 
 Were F d's, like Cori'lanus' fpite, 
 
 The French might foon come over j 
 
 With him from Calais fail at night, 
 And next day land at Dover. 
 
 VI.
 
 120 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 VI. 
 
 The foutli and weft of Ireland's coaft, 
 
 By geography, you'd fhun ; 
 Nor to attain that deftined port, 
 
 Thro' Englifh Channel run. 
 
 VII. 
 
 Whifkey and Freedom's all your cry, 
 
 You praife Timoleon's cafe ; 
 Who thank'd the gods with upca/i eye, 
 
 When knaves fpit in his face. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 You everfcorn, with laurels wreath'J, 
 
 Court funfliine, or its ftorms ; 
 As hardy Jhips, in copper Jheath' J, 
 
 Defy both waves and worms. 
 
 IX. 
 
 Beyond Demofthenes you roar, 
 
 In a£tion outdo Tully j 
 Whilft Fame proclaims from fliore to lliore, 
 
 Our Orator, and Bully. 
 
 X. 
 
 If Athens yet in arts had Hione, 
 She'd yield the palm, tho' /oth ; 
 
 Rome would fuperior Callan own, 
 Parnassus, bowtoHowTH. 
 
 XI,
 
 The B ATCHELO.R. 121 
 
 XI. 
 
 Let all be hufli'd— He means to rife j 
 
 — The hemming courtiers fees ; 
 Then threats, and marks with vengeful ejes 
 
 AH thofe who cough or fneeze. 
 
 XII. 
 
 J s and II n, with patriots rnvge ! 
 
 Ey your invedtlves drawn ; 
 So cudgeWd pigs their nature change, 
 
 And take the name of Brawn. 
 
 XIII. 
 
 Your humour neiVi and poignant wit, 
 Ev'n H ch n could feel ! 
 
 With fharp, and brilliant pun you hit. 
 That NAVE within the wheel. 
 
 XIV. 
 
 O long may Flood the fenate grace, 
 His country's friend, and darling ! 
 
 Remain a patriot out of place. 
 To guard us by his f/iarlirrg. 
 
 NUM-
 
 12.2 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 NUMBER XXIII. 
 
 ^ter.quani res agitur Jolenni feria pompa, 
 Spernit follicitum intradalilis ille tumult tun, 
 Et riju importunus adejl, atque omnia turbat. 
 
 JVlACiiiN.t Ge3ticulantes, Add. 
 
 To Jeoffry Wag staff e, Efq. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 *>0 a gentleman of your facetious turn, I addrefs 
 rDylelfwith little difficulty: both of us lo- 
 vers of mifih, we cannot divert the public without 
 contributing at the fame time to our own entertain- 
 ment : befides, if you are fo good, as to uflier my 
 humours into the world from the Mercury, I fhall 
 think niyfelf bound, in the honefc hoarlenefs of 
 friendlliip, to croak out fome encomiums on you, at 
 the little theatre in Stafibrd-ftrcet. 
 
 Your patron, the political Punch, who like myfelf, 
 teazes and diverts all parlies alternately, is a man 
 after my own heart : he never brings a face o{ bufi- 
 nefs, or an air of importance into places dedicated to 
 relaxation and merriment. 
 
 The delight he, his children, and the beautiful 
 young lady, who I am told is fiiortly to become his 
 Joan, exprelTed at my laft exhibition, has made fuch 
 an impreinon on me in his favour, that I have taken 
 fome pains to compofe a few rhymes for his amufe- 
 
 meut.
 
 Ihe B ATCHE LOR. 123 
 
 nient, on a fubjefl, of which I am as Competent a 
 judge as my name-fake Sir Toby, who I hear intends 
 ihortly to talk about it in lerious profe, at a rival 
 theatre in College-green, 
 
 1 am ever, dear Wagllaffe, 
 
 Sancho's friend and yours, 
 
 Btafford-Jlreel, yi Feb. 
 
 P U N C H. 
 
 I. 
 
 COME all ye lovers of the dance. 
 Brought of late from fprighily France, 
 Many a jig perhaps you've knovi'n, 
 But none like our Cotillion, 
 
 II. 
 
 Patriots, Courtiers, mingled fee. 
 Some in dumps, and fame in glee ; 
 Thefe rejoice, while thoje louk on, 
 At this merry Cotillion. 
 
 ill. 
 
 Sancho bids the pipe play up, 
 Yet fvvears before the dance he'll fup ; 
 *'■ Since the dye at laft is thrown, 
 " Why not dance a Cotillion ?" 
 
 IV. 
 
 Rudy O — b — ne leads the band, 
 I.ink'd with Mafon hand in hand j 
 B — rn — d next, from BoJIonJIoivni 
 Joins this motly Cotillion. 
 
 Gz V,
 
 124 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 "W — 11 — r too, that courtly beau, 
 (With him by Hill — b — h ta^en in lozvj 
 Tells them all his cares are gone, 
 And trilks about in Cotillion. 
 
 VI. 
 
 Flood indignant roars aloud, 
 (Idol of the gaping crowd) 
 ♦' M^/.u/e they frolic, let us groan, 
 *' And interrupt this Cotillion. 
 
 VII. 
 
 See Sir George arriving late. 
 Calls it a/«M.v pas of ftate, 
 Yet as ufual, en hon ton. 
 Recommends this Cotillion. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Ponfonby with feign'd furprize, 
 Damns both the cuftoms and excife ; 
 Since his dancing days are gone, 
 He trys to mar this Cotillion. 
 
 IX. 
 
 H 1 who loves nor dance nor fong, 
 
 Takes his place amidil the throng, 
 And crys, " I'm pleas'd at this I own, 
 " That Shannon hates the Cotillion." 
 
 X.
 
 The B A TC HE LOR. 12^ 
 
 X. 
 
 An d s in a jovial mood, 
 
 Swears 'tis for the country's good ; 
 Tho' his ruinp with fat's o'er grown, 
 He'll join in ev'ry Cotillion. 
 
 XI. 
 
 The Marquifs In a witty fpeech, 
 Lor.d Sancho threatens to impeach, 
 And vows that nothing fhall atone, 
 For this unlatvful Cotillion. 
 
 XII. 
 
 Scowling Brov/nlow views the groupe, 
 Mad as Bacchanalian troupe, 
 And prefers the bagpipe's drone, 
 To this Caftle Cotillion. 
 
 XIII. 
 
 Lucius, bufy, dull, and proud, 
 Sne«ring at the fervile crowd ; 
 Swears he'll ftiake the chair alone, 
 If it joins the Cotillion. 
 
 XIV. 
 
 Father John in difma! tune, 
 Whines, " We fhall be beggar'd foon," 
 The mitre from his fon is thrown. 
 Which makes him curfe this Cotillion. 
 
 G3 XVi
 
 126 The B ATCHELOR. 
 
 XV. 
 
 He late defied Hibernia's foes, 
 Uut JefF — ys led him by the nofe^ 
 And bid him preach to his old crone, 
 Nor fpoil his little Cotillion. 
 
 XVI. 
 
 D — ly rcxt bewails our fate, 
 And paints the couniry's ruin'd ftate ; 
 Swears vvcMl vv^int another loan, 
 To fupport this Cotillion. 
 
 XVII. 
 
 Sage Malone with downcafl: brow, 
 Shakes his wig, and wonders how, 
 The Common's vote (liould be o'er thrown, 
 By crafty Sancho's Cotillion, 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 Mount — r — s, B — h. — m — nt, and M — r,e. 
 Oh were they but here again, 
 They'd work old Sancho to the bone, 
 For calling up this Cotillion. 
 
 XIX. 
 
 When this horrid plot was told, 
 llow the country's bought and fold ; 
 Lord Shannon met my Lord Tyrone, 
 An/{ then they ilanc'd a dtiilion. 
 Feb. ^th 1772. 
 
 N U M-
 
 The B ATCHELOR. m 
 
 yf7jere/is all ivriters and reafoners have agreed, that 
 there is a Jlriit uni'verfal refemblance heiiueen the 
 natural and loii'ical bodj, can there he any thing 
 vi'jre evident, than that the heal'h cf both mujl he 
 preferred, and the dijeafes cared hy th^ fame pre- 
 Jcriptionf It is alloived, that fer.ates and great 
 councils are ojten troubled 'with redundant, ebulli- 
 ent, and other peccant humours ; "uiith many dij- 
 eafes of the head, and more of the heart ; 'with 
 Jlrongconvulftons, ijoith grievous contrarians of the 
 nerves and fneivs in both hands, hut efpecially in 
 the right ; vuith fpleen, fatus, vertigoes, and de- 
 liriums J vjith fcrophulous tumours, full of feet id, 
 purulent matter ; ivith fovuer, frothy rudations ; 
 voith canine appetites, and crudenefs of digejlion ; 
 heftdes many others needlefs to mention. This Dc£ior 
 therefore propofed, that upon the meeting of a fenate, 
 certain phyfcians JJ:ould attend at the three fir ft 
 days of their fitting, and at the clofe of each day^s 
 debate, feel the pulfe of every fenator ; and pre- 
 fcribe as their fever al cafes required, [sc. 
 
 Gulliver's Travels. 
 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 I HEARTILY wifh the fcheme propofed by the 
 I.aputan projcflor, was adopted, as it would be 
 ciilremel)' beneficial to the public. There are fjnie 
 G 4 peculiar
 
 128 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 peculiar difeafes, which feem wholly confined to the 
 fenate ; I fl all, therefore, fpecify the maladies and 
 fymptoms, which are charafteriftical of the perfons : 
 thofe I ferioufly recommend to the care and 
 fkill of Dr. Solomon, in hopes of feeing them enroll- 
 ed amon^ his honourable lift of patients, who have 
 certified themfctvcs radically cured by that eminent 
 phyfician. 
 
 I am, fir, yours, 
 
 SaVV-NEY Cu\'IGAM20, C. S. 
 
 H — ry FI — d, Efq; afflicted wiih a fharp bilious 
 chollc, which often felzes him in ihe middle of a de- 
 hate. His face appears convulfed and dirtortcd, his 
 brow knit, his ful clenched, which he frequently 
 Ihikes on the bench. In the paroxyfm of the fit, 
 he abiifed every body who fits oppofite to hiiii, cal- 
 ling them flavifn dependents of corruption, tools of 
 an arbitrary, tyrannical adminiltration. — If the com- 
 niilTioneis of accounts or excife are mentioned, he 
 leeins affecled like a perfon bit by a mad dog, in the 
 angu;(a of the hydrophobia. — It is remarkable, that 
 Mr. Fl — d can feldom pronounce a word of lefs than 
 five fyllables during the fit. 
 
 Sir William M — ne, horribly afflifted with fcro- 
 phulous tumours, which he contracted by wafhing in 
 the river Tweed. His brain is alfo fomewhat d!f- 
 ordered, by the pains he took in teaching the chien 
 fca<vnnt arithmetic, when he was employed as tra- 
 velling tutor to that ingenious animal. This crazy 
 fenatoi ofien delays and perplexes the houfe, by 
 
 reading
 
 The B ATCHEL O R. 129 
 
 reading new tables of his own compofition, for ex- 
 changing Scotch bawbees into Irifli farthings. 
 
 Sir L — us O'B — n's difeafe is a dropfy in the 
 brain, which he contradled by too clofe an atten- 
 dance at the navigation board. — There is a conftant 
 drivellincr from his brain to his mouth : as he Is 
 infenfible of pain when he talks, he is perpetually 
 babling, 
 
 J — n P by, Efq. This unfortunate genlleman> 
 
 is afflifted with a complication of diforders, which' 
 has deprived him of all memory and undetftanding,. 
 fo that he could not, for many years, remember a- 
 promife he had made but an hour before. He- 
 is at prefent in the laft ilage of a galloping confump— 
 tion. 
 
 W — m B low, Efq; ever fince the year 1753^- 
 
 has been troubled with fower, frothy ru6lations,- 
 which proceed from a foul ftomach. 
 
 W m B — gh, Efq; is infane, as he believes in; 
 
 the tranfmigration of fouls, and fancies he is the ex-- 
 ecutioner who beheaded King Charles the Ift. He; 
 often wilhes to be employed in his old office, and! 
 longs for a. fubjiantial a£t of jujiice. 
 
 The D — e of L — fler's malady is the flatus, - 
 vertigo, and vapours. He often fuppofes himfelf 
 Lord Lieutenant, and then performs the moft ridi- 
 culous actions : foraetimes he goes in ftate to his 
 ftables, in a bomb-cart, painted over with ducal co- 
 ronets, which he calls a (late coach. — One of his 
 podillions then prefents him a memorial, for an ad-- 
 ditional allov/ance of fmall-heer and oats 3 his Grace ■ 
 G 5 replies,.
 
 130 The B A TC H E L O R. 
 
 repliep, <• Le Roi le veut." At another time lie 
 iflues out an order on the dairy-maid, for an extraor- 
 dinary jug of creain, which he ftylcs a wairant on 
 the treafury for his quarter's falary. 
 
 The E — 1 of Bel-'—nt has been afHi^led thefe 
 many years with St. Vitas's dance. He loft his fen- 
 fes in Lord Northumberland's admlniftration, by the 
 nisgical effects of a red ribband which was pre- 
 fented to him at the Caftte. The fight of a Chan- 
 cellor's wig, or a bidiop's caul, makes him outrage- 
 ri!S : he then jabbers an unintelligible jargon, and 
 fKips and runs about like a monkey that has flip'd his 
 chain. 
 
 Lords L — fle and B — 1 — lafs are troubled with 
 grievous contrr.dlions of the nerves and fniews of 
 both hands ; efpecially Lord B — 1 — lafs. It is 
 remarkable that thefe fpafms feem hereditary in 
 his family. — Both thefe peers are alfo torment- 
 ed v.'iih caiiine appetites, and a crudenefs of digef- 
 tion. 
 
 The right hon. J — s F cue, Efq; Crews 
 
 evident fymptoms of idioiifm and lunacy. Howe- 
 ver the Chancellor has refufed to appoint him guar- 
 dians, as Mr. F' cue takes uncommon ci\t of his 
 
 fortune, and ufes every means to preferve it. This 
 term, he filed a bill in Chancery, to prove himfelf 
 one of Do6lor Swift's co-heirs. lie fues for two 
 appartments in the hofpital, as he claims under a 
 double title. Mr. Malone is his counfel, and as he 
 
 is particularly acquainted with Mr. F cue's cafe, 
 
 he makes no doubi of his client's iuccefs. 
 
 Com-
 
 e The B A TCHELOR. 131 
 
 Coun(elIor F tz -ns, contraded a' poly- 
 pus in the heart, at the Jefuits college, in St. Omer's. 
 This poor old man defpairs of his recovery, as he is 
 perfuaded, that nothing but holy 'water., confecrated 
 by a bifhop of his own familv'j will relieve him. 
 His breath is fo tainted by the corrupt pus in his 
 heart, that it would often prove mortal to his fi lends, 
 if he was not forced out of the Houfe, before the 
 queilion is put. 
 
 Lord M — ra, unfoitunately had the Cerebrum 
 and Cerebellum totally difplaced, by getting ti rock 
 too much in the cradle, during his infancy. There- 
 fore from a natural cefeft in his inteliedls, and not 
 from any moral depravity, he falfifies and mifrepre- 
 fents every clrcumfi:ance and ftory he relates. 
 Truth is refracfed into falfehood, by paHlng through 
 the medium oi his brain, as an oar appears crooked 
 in the v/ater. 
 
 The Earl of Ch — mout, has been afrliifted ever 
 fince he was of age with a locked javj, which feizes 
 him periodically ia the Houfe of Lords. He firfi: 
 contra<Sted it, by lillening with his mouth open, to 
 the public and private harangues of orator Flood, 
 and the late Dotlor Lucas. He is not deemed in- 
 curable, as he talks with great fpirit and vivacity at 
 table, and is more audible and articulate, than rriof: 
 Lords, when he comes into the Houfe of Com- 
 mons. ■ 
 
 Q- 
 
 N U hi'
 
 13a The BATCHELOR. 
 
 NUMBER XXV. 
 
 ViRG. 
 
 Feris facllh datur exitus umhris. 
 
 *To JfOFfRY WaGSTAFFE, Efq. 
 
 S I R, 
 
 AN cflay of exquifite humour in your pnper of 
 the 6th of February, the hint of which is 
 taken from the fcherr.e of a proprietor of Laputa, 
 for curing the difeafes of the fenate, made me turn 
 to that part of Gulliver's Travels, where he gives 
 an account of the grand academy of Lagado. The 
 fame proprietor's propofal for reconciling oppofite 
 parties, is no lefs ingenious : the method is this. 
 *• You take a hundred leaders of each party ; you 
 *' difpofe them into couples of fuch whofe heads 
 *« are neareft of a fize ; then let two nice operators 
 *' faw oft the occiput (or hinder part of the head) of 
 •' each couple at the fame time, in fuch a manner, 
 *' that the brain may be equally divided ; let the 
 *' occiputs, thus cut off, be interchanged, applying 
 •' each to the oppofite party-man. Thus, the 
 *' two half brains being left to debate the matter in 
 *• the fpace of one fttull, it produces moderation, 
 " good underilanding, and rcgulaiity of thinking."' 
 
 This project made fuch an imprclFion on me, that, 
 when I fell afleep, it occafioned the following train 
 of images, juft in the oider I have put them down, 
 if your paper is not engaged for any fubjed of more 
 
 importance,
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 133 
 
 importance, this Vision is at your fervice, for the 
 entertainment of your readers. 
 
 I am, fir, your humble fervant, 
 
 QUEVEDO. 
 
 I thought I was feated in the Houfe of Commons, 
 fo as to hear and fee diftin£lly every thing that pafC- 
 ed ; when fuddenly the mace, journals, pens ink, 
 papers, &c. difappeared, and the table was covered 
 with inftruments of furgery, fuch as knives, crook- 
 ed fciflars, and a good many faws of different fizes. 
 Two gentlemen, whom 1 found on enquiry to be 
 the Surgeons RIchardfon and Cunningham, filled the 
 chairs at one end of the table : they viewed their 
 inliruments much in the fame manner as Mr. Sterling 
 and his afllftants examine their pens, when they are 
 preparing to take down the names of a committee, 
 or to tranfcribe a refolution. 
 
 The great door of the houfe was then thrown 
 open, and I faw many perfons walking as it were in 
 procefTion, two by two, till they cam.e oppofite the 
 chairs where Meffieurs Richardfon and Cunninghaai 
 were feated. 
 
 The firft couple. Lord Townfhend, and the D — e 
 of L — fter, then went off, one to the right, and the 
 other to the left, and each fat down between the 
 legs of his refpeftive furgeon. The occiput of 
 Lord Townfhend v/as foon taken off by Mr. Rich- 
 ardfon, who feemed to handle his faw with great 
 dexterity ; but v^hether from the extraordinary 
 thicknefs of the bone, or from what other circum- 
 
 flance
 
 134 The B ATCHELOR. 
 
 fiance I know not, the operation on the D — ke's liead 
 laflcd much longer; fo that I could hear Lord 
 Townfliend defire his Grace's furgcon to make more 
 liafte, fjr as he had never befoie been without his 
 occiput, he might catch cold ; bcfides, he was weary 
 of remaining fo long in the fame pofture. This hint 
 had the defiied effect : the artill exerted his utmoft 
 ftrength, and the leparation was completely perfor- 
 med. The halffkuils were then interchanged ; and 
 the furgeons, pafling their left arms round the necks, 
 and under the chins of their patients, applied the 
 parts to their proper places in the back of the heads, 
 and prcfling them doCs with the palms of their right 
 hands, they adhered immediately. Tiie patients then 
 lofe, and walked away ; but not before they had 
 made a civil bow to the furgeons, and paid them for 
 their trouble. 
 
 The effedl of this operation was almoft inftanta- 
 neoiis. The D — ke of L — er's eyes began to ac- 
 quire an unufual fpiiit and brightnefs j he faid 
 fomething lively, new, and entertaining to every 
 one that came up to him; and I obferved that a 
 •Gentleman, whom I afterwards found to be one of 
 the members for Athy, feemed to take particular 
 pleafurc in his converfation. They both agreed that 
 a late ntteir.pt to cenfurc the commiihoners of exclfe, 
 was no kk ablurd than illiberal ; and the D — ke faid, 
 *« he now found his opinion on that point fo diife- 
 •* rent from what it had been, he could not account 
 " for his having entertained it. He was now," he 
 faid, " refolved to mrike the beft amends in his pow- 
 *« er, b/ taking the firft opportunity of thanking his 
 ** Majerty for the many honours and favours he had 
 " gracioufly conferred upon him ; and that, as a 
 
 further
 
 The B ATCHELOR. 135 
 
 *> further mark of his reconciliation with govcrn- 
 •' ment, he would a(k for the next blue ribband, and 
 " for fome honourable promotion in the law for the 
 " friend he was talking to." — I heard them both 
 agree, in an under voice, that Sir William M — ne 
 was of no fervice to any party, and hoped that he 
 would never again return to Ireland, to perplex and 
 delay the bufinefs of the nation. 
 
 Lord Townfhend, in the mean time, with a coun- 
 tenance full of difcontent and ftupidity, withdrew in 
 the moft ungracious manner from the company that 
 furrounded him, and making to the chaplain's box, 
 lie there fhut himfelf up, drawing the cui tains clofe 
 about him: his fecretary, Mr. Malcne, the Prime 
 Serjeant, the Provoft, and many other refpe<5table 
 perfons came to confult with him, but he flounced 
 from one fide to the other of his box, and refufed to 
 hear them. To their advice he made no other an- 
 iwer than, " that he had taken his refolution, and it 
 " was in vain to argue with him, for he never 
 " changed his opinion for any man." — On this they 
 left him, with manifeft tokens of wonder. He then 
 pulled out a memorandum book, and a pencil ; I 
 could fee he made feveral entries of a very frivolous 
 nature, tho' with a face of much attention and im- 
 portance : amongfl; the reft, I remember there was 
 a nev/ receipt for making F'uller's balls, to take 
 ftains o'at of his footmen's liveries, and a hint tow~ 
 ards improving an engine for dividing boiled beef 
 into pounds, half pounds, and quarters, with many 
 others of the fame nature; all very III fpelt and in 
 characters like thofe of a child who is learning to 
 join his letters. 
 
 The
 
 T^6 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 The Earls of E — y and Sh — on, were the next 
 who took their places. After they had made their 
 bows and withdrawn, Lord E — y talked in a very 
 fullen, diftatorial manner to his friends of the 
 county of Wexford. I heard him fay to counfeilor 
 H — 11 — n, and two gentlemen of his own name and 
 family, " that unlefs they went through thick and 
 " thin with him, they might bring themfclvcs to 
 " parliament the next time, for he would have done 
 "with them." — Lord Sh^ — on was all complaif- 
 ance and affability, inviting every one he met to 
 pafs fome time with him at Caftlemartyr ; and af- 
 furing them, with an air of great franknefs, they 
 might command every thing of which he was mafter. 
 
 To this couple fucceeded Mr. P — rry and Mr. 
 
 P by. After Mr. Richardfon had done with 
 
 the former, I heard him fay, that in all his prac- 
 tice he had never diflefled a founder cranium, that 
 though the brain was light and compact, yet it 
 lay eafy, and the cells were admirably divided. — < 
 But my furprize was great, when I faw Mr. Cun- 
 
 nin|diam (who had Mr. P by's head in his 
 
 hand) throw away his faw, and take up a pen- 
 knife, with which he fepaiated the hinder part 
 from the finciput, with as much eafe, as if he had 
 been cutting up a paper lantern. He could not 
 forbear crying out, (during the operation) in his 
 country dialed, (which is the Scotch) " Weei, 
 ** dam my b!ud, if in aw my experience, I ever 
 ♦* kend the like ont ; the cheeld's heed is as foft 
 " and fpOHgy as a pink'd orange, or an Edinburgh 
 
 " turnip." When Mr. P — rry withdrew, there 
 
 was a total change in his behaviour; he frequently 
 laughed without any caufe, thumped one gentle- 
 man on the back, and embraced another to whom 
 
 he
 
 The B AT CHE LOR. 137 
 
 he was a ftranger ; he was always looking about 
 for fomebody to lliake hands with, fwore repeat- 
 edly " he would fupport his friends to tne lalt, 
 " but if the houfe defired him to carry up their 
 " addrefs, he'd refign the next .morning j lb they 
 *• might all fink or fwim together." He then got 
 into the chair with an hop, ftep, and jump, and 
 (tho' the houfe was not fitting) put fe\reral quef- 
 tions almoil in the fame breath, making as many 
 miflakes in almoft every one of them, 
 
 Mr. P by, on the other hand, became com- 
 
 pofed and ferious : he walked to his feat with a 
 ileidy even pace, keeping his eye on the objeilll he 
 was moving towards : he feldom looked about him, 
 yet behaved with a mixture of coniplaifance and 
 dignity to every one that addrefied him. This 
 couple had fome converfation together, and when 
 they parted, the by-ftanders faid in a whifper, 
 loud enough for me to hear, " that if their heads 
 ** had been exchanged two years fooner, Mr. 
 *' p. — rry would never have got the chair, nor Mr. 
 " P by refigned it." a 
 
 Sir George Macaitney and Mr. Fl — d, then paf- 
 fed thro' the hards of the furgcons. Their under- 
 ftandings feemed neither much improved nor im- 
 paired by their new occupits; but it was obferved 
 that Mr. Fl — d's didlion became more poliflied and 
 intelligible, and that his countenance foftened ; 
 while Sir George's grew ferocious, his gefture me- 
 nacing, and his addrefs loft much of its ufual gen- 
 tlenefs and infinuation. 
 
 A very extraordinary circumftance prevented an 
 exchange between the Provoft and Vice Provoft, 
 
 who
 
 138 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 who were the next fubjeiSls. As Mr. Richardfbn 
 
 was applying the half fkull of Dodor CI t's to 
 
 the head of the Provoft, the laft mentioned gentle- 
 man flirug'd up his fhoulders, and complaining of 
 fomething trickling down his neck, ir.fifted on 
 looking into the occupit of the DoiFlor. The con- 
 tents had no appearance of brains, either in colour 
 or confiftence, but the cavity feenied to be filled 
 with a reddilh liquor, like that of the infide of a 
 melon. The Provoft immediately fcized the artift's 
 Jiand, and protefled ftrongly againfl: being put ofF 
 with a (kul! that could be only a dead wight on 
 him, inftead of his own, v.'hich was allowed by all 
 prefent to be a very compleat one. — The friends of 
 
 DoQor CI 1 (v/ho were chiefly in the gallery) 
 
 feemed greatly mortified, when Mr. Richardfon ref- 
 tored the Provoft's head to its firft ftate, as Mr. 
 Cunningham did the fame to that of the Doftor. 
 
 Our expeftations were greatly raifed by the next 
 couple, Mr. Malone, and a gentleman who had ma- 
 ny alias's to his name, being called Counfeilor 
 
 J — n F — tz ns, alias Father John, rJuTs Fryar 
 
 John, alias John the Dominican. When Mr. Ma- 
 lone was feated, (which took up fome time) I ob- 
 ferved Surgeon Richardfon did not proceed to bufi- 
 nefs with his ufual prefence of mind and alacrity. 
 He furveyed the head feveral times with great re- 
 verence, and feemed unwilling to do it any violence. 
 The patient at length gently chid him for the delay, 
 and told him, " if the houfe were fitting, he might be 
 •' calledtoorderforkeeping them waiting:" Mr. Rich- 
 ardfon then pulled a cordial out of his ppcket,fwa!low- 
 ed it, and performed the operation. Nor was Surge- 
 on Cunningham lefs embarraiTcd by his patient, who 
 infilled peremptorily that the v.'Ork fliould be done 
 
 withoiit
 
 Th B ATCHELOR. 139 
 
 without his taking off his periwig. His pretence 
 was, he was afraid of cold; but a friend who was 
 in the focret, whifpered nie, that he did not care to 
 have his head uncovered, as the maiks of the 
 Tonsure were dill to be feen in it. 
 
 When the bufinefs was over, the exchange fcem- 
 
 ed greatly in favour of Counfellor F^— tz ns : his 
 
 voice became clear, ftrong, and harmonious ; the 
 little he faid on every fubjett was pertinent and 
 v/eighty, and there was an air of uncommon can- 
 dour and dignity in his whole behaviour. — Mr. 
 A^hdone uttered fome inchoherent fentences in a ve- 
 ry difagreeable tone of voice, which were ill re- 
 ceived by the few who had patience to liften to 
 him. 
 
 As Mr. C y and his brother-in-law, Mr, 
 
 St — p! — s, were advancing, a member remarkable 
 for his pleafantry, (I think it was Mr, Scott) made a 
 
 propofal which was agreed to : " That Mr. C y 
 
 *' (hould remain as he was, becaufe it feemed 
 •' impofliible to determine who was his oppofits 
 •' party-man ; and becaufe no new occupit could 
 ♦' make him more oppofite to himfelf, than his own 
 «' aiftions had already made him. For the truth 
 *< of which, he appealed to that gentleman's con- 
 ♦' duQ during Lord Tounfhends adminiftration, to 
 " his brother-in-law the commiflloner, and above 
 " all, to the feveral voles he had given on both 
 fides of queftions of the very fame import, concern- 
 •' ing the commiffioners of excifc." Mr. Commif- 
 fioner G — e hearing this, flopped out of hi;; place, 
 and defired to be confidered as under the fame con- 
 
 tradiflory predicament with Mr. C y. His 
 
 condui^It being examined, his pica was admitted, 
 
 and
 
 140 The BATCH ELOR. 
 
 and he alfo was excuftd from undergoing the ope- 
 ration. 
 
 Many fucceding couples interchanged their heads, 
 without any extraordinary occurrence. I muft juft 
 take notice, that in every inftance, the whole nature 
 of the pcrfons feemed to be transferred with the 
 
 half of their brains. Thus the ftupid became 
 
 witty ; the rude poliihed j the giddy ferious, and 
 fo, <vice verfa, according to the charaflers of the 
 couples who refpeftively exchanged the feat of 
 their underflandings. 
 
 At laft Mr. B— Ihe and Sir E d N ham 
 
 drew the attention of the fpedtators; The head 
 of Mr. B — fhe was divided with great expedition, 
 by Mr. Richardfon ; but the labours of Mr. Cun- 
 ningham feemed endiefs : nine times he changed 
 his faws, and as often their teeth were turned, or 
 
 broken by the head of Sir E d. Sweat trickled 
 
 copioufly from all parts of his body ; but the head 
 remained impenetrable. He placed it in feveral 
 pofitions, between his legs, and under his arm, 
 working at it fometimes as it ilood in an upright 
 pofture, and fometimes as it lay horizontally. He 
 then rubbed it all over with ointments, to try if 
 fuch applications would make it fofter. At length 
 being quite exhaufted, he defired a few moments 
 confultation with Mr. Richardfon. I could not 
 hear what pafTed between them ; but when the 
 confultation was over, two porters were difpatched, 
 and v.'hile we were waiting for their return, the 
 friends of Mr. B — (he (who were very numerous) 
 exprefled great fatisfadtion at the profpedt of his 
 keeping his own head, as the feparating of Sir 
 E— — d'5 feemed defperatc. 
 
 la.
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 141 
 
 In about ten minutes the porters returned, bring- 
 ing in a large two handed faw, fucli as is ufed in 
 pits, for dividing timber trees into plnnks. The 
 
 two furgeons, after they had bound Sir E d's 
 
 fkuU to the back of his chair, to prevent any elu- 
 five vibrating which might counteraft the operation, 
 began upon the bone, with the utmoft vigour. A 
 long lime (as I thought, no lefs than tv/o hours) 
 was fpeiit in getting through it. When it was fe- 
 parated, it fell to the ground by its own gravity, 
 though Mr. Cunningham tried with both hands to 
 prevent its falling The caufe of the difficulty in" 
 making any impreflion on it, appeared to be, that the 
 whole head confifted of one folid block, much 
 more impenetrable than the hardeft marble. By 
 fome accident, probably the great noife made by 
 the falling of the head, I ftarted, and awoke, and 
 found myfelf juft as I had fallen afleep, with Gul- 
 liver's Travels by ifiy fide, and my candle alnioft 
 burned dov^n to the focket. 
 
 NUM-
 
 142 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 NUMBER XXVI. 
 
 ^lem 'virum, aut keroa, lyra^ <vel acri 
 ' Tibia fumes celehrare, Clio ? 
 
 ^uem Deum P Cujus recinent jocofa 
 Nomen imago. 
 
 Imitation of the 12th Ode of the ift Book of 
 Horace. 
 
 WHAT patriot hero wilt thou chufe. 
 And in what ftrain to praife, my mufe .'' 
 Not fuch as barren Burroivs fings, 
 When rude he grates the jarring itrlngs : 
 
 Nor rhjme-ftruck. //— — — s' flat Cibberlan 
 note, 
 Which fuited to the bagpipes drone, 
 May hum in drowfy unifon, 
 
 Or tear the birih-day fongfter's fcreaming throat. 
 
 II. 
 
 But, goddefs, fuch a verfe infpire. 
 As founded from the Roman lyre, 
 Such as fallacious Flood may draw, 
 Impofing quibbles quaint for law, 
 
 With wild tropes armed, and high refounding 
 words. 
 Him firft, him greateft, all allow. 
 When with rais'd arm and threatning brow, 
 
 He grinds harfh thunder 'gainft Divided 
 Boards. 
 
 Tho
 
 The B ATCHELO R. 143 
 
 III. 
 
 Tho' equal none, none near in fame, 
 Let HuiTey the next honours claim. 
 Who know like him to fpiii a thought ? 
 Like him with college learning fraught, 
 
 Can bring all Greece, and Latium to his aid ? 
 Tho' bound in haughty L — -y/'cr's chains, 
 Vile dependence he difdaiiis, 
 
 And what himfelt endures, in others dares upbraid. 
 
 IV. 
 
 N'^^xt fam'd for dancing, as for war, 
 To tame the fteed or guide the car, 
 Or chafe the Oak-boy as he files, 
 See powdered B—^m — t arife, 
 
 And eage'- prefs to lead the illuftrious band. 
 Simpering, bowing, flaring round. 
 On toe elaftic', fee him bound, 
 
 And what he wants in fenfe, eke out with waving 
 hand. 
 
 V. 
 
 Nor fhall oblivion's gloomy (liade, 
 
 M — X — /or F cue invade. 
 
 Or L — g — d, like Alcides ftrong, 
 Or H — It — «'s fonorous tongue, 
 
 Or the twin props of hoary B — hz — «'s ftate, 
 
 Or both the R ms of afpeft fage, 
 
 Who (foes to a degenerate age) 
 
 Silent, and fure, fweat thro' the long debate. 
 
 Shall
 
 144 Tlie BATCHELOR. 
 
 VI. 
 
 Shall fombrous Ronuley be the theme? 
 
 Or M y}iey fall: yolc'd in LeinJIet's, team ? 
 
 Or fears the doubtful niufe to err, 
 If 5 ^h to C — tn — r fhe prefer ? 
 
 Then brainlefs 'Neixienbantz exploits unfold 
 Tell how Kilmainham boafts his name. 
 How Kin^, with envy hears hii fame, 
 
 And let great Lucas' death with Cato's be cnroll'd 
 
 VII. 
 
 But, O what powers of fong can reach 
 
 The flow of florid Og 's fpeech ? 
 
 B h knows the ballance of our trade. 
 
 Taught by the figgs himfelf has weigh'd. 
 
 Lo, Ponfonhy, for Punic' faith renown'd : 
 His hofe of yarn, and homefpun drefs. 
 The country gentleman confefs. 
 
 And by his uncomb'd wig the fteady patriot's 
 own'd. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 As the young plant by time may rife. 
 And lift its branches to the flcies. 
 So in KiUaris green youth we fee. 
 The promife of the future tree. 
 
 And as the moon refplendent queen of night 
 Obfcures the lelTer fires on high. 
 So fades our fiirunk nobility, 
 
 At Leinjler'z ducal crown's fuperior light. 
 
 Sir A. K-^g. 
 
 Parent
 
 The B A TCHEL OR. 145 
 
 IX. 
 
 Parent and guardian of our ifle, 
 Deign on thy people's wi(h to fuiile, 
 O'er Totunjhencl, thy vice-gerent's head, 
 His well earn'd honours timely fhed : 
 
 Thy great example ftill his rteps purfue. 
 'Tis thine, to awe the intriguing Dane : 
 Or check the incroaching pride of fpain : 
 
 'Tis his, to alfert our rights, and fcorn the fadi- 
 ous crew. 
 
 
 
 ^? 
 
 6y^ 
 
 \. 
 
 ^-^■4, 
 ^ 
 
 
 H N u a:
 
 146 The BATCH ELOR. 
 
 NUMBER XXVII. 
 
 He mtgfS feria dv.cunt. HoR. 
 
 Q^U E E R T O W N - H O U S E ; or the 
 POLITICAL DIALOGUE: 
 
 As exhibited by fe'veral of the mofl Capital Performers 
 in the Kingdom of Ireland. 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS, 
 Prince Queermou.vt, The D. of L — 1 — r. 
 
 I.n/CHILDERMOU.VT./ ) ^^^^, ^^ ^_ 
 
 Vertu, ) 
 
 lor^CuLVERiN Wour.D-BE, Lord Sh '^ 
 
 Mflryr/?/} (j/ Bolus-rule, Marquis of K re. 
 
 Jack Promise, J — nP v, Efq. 
 
 ^/rToBY Punch, Bart, Sir L.OB n. 
 
 Mr. Solemn, Mr. P . 
 
 Mr. Polyp HLosB 010$, Mr. FI d- 
 
 'Squire FuRZE, Mr. B fil. 
 
 MUTE S. 
 Charles Scaldcrow, Mr. C — IJ — 11. 
 Peter Barlev, Pe — r B — re. 
 
 SCENE: A Cottage at ^leertovon. Lords and 
 GentUnien j sated. 
 
 Sir Toby. 
 
 A SWEET place, my lord, your highnefs li lb 
 retired, and the fpot fo fit for bufiuefc;, or for 
 
 pleafure. 
 
 Prince,
 
 The B A T C H IL L O R. 147 
 
 Prince. Yes, pretty well, I have endeavoured to 
 make it fb. 
 
 Sir Toby. [Alide to So'emn.] I wonder Jack Pro- 
 niife is not here. 
 
 Solemn to SIi Tohy. Did you ever knov/ him eaily 
 to meet upon bufineis ? at a fpariing luaich.or £t his 
 favouiite chair, the Conilituiion, I'll wairant him the 
 foremofl: but here he comes. 
 
 Enler Jack Promise in a hurry- ivith Charles 
 S c A L D c R o \v at his httls. 
 
 yuck. Damned hot day ! and the hufiuefs hotter 
 than the weather — I am quite in a fweat — I am 
 very glad to fee your hlghner"^ — I vow to G — d 
 I would not have rode fafter to lee a new Lord Lieu- 
 tenant, and yet that vvould be a very plealant fijhtto 
 all of us 
 
 Prince. Jack Promife I am very glad to fee you 
 at QueertOA'n — pleafant weather, but a liuie cold 
 for the feafon. 
 
 Jack. Very cold, and very hot, variable weather, 
 [afiJe G — d — n you Chailes, why did you not 
 tell me I ought to have fald cold] — But come, 
 come, to bufinefs. Lord Childermount your moft 
 obedient and moil humble fervant — Mr. Solemn ! my 
 Lord Marquis I beg your pardon, I hope you are 
 well. Are you fond of groufing my lord, I'll fhev/ 
 you fine fport this feafon in my neighbourhood — Mr. 
 Solemn thank you heartily, my dear, dear fir, for 
 your fupport lalt fellion. Mr. roiyphloihois, my 
 H 2 old
 
 148 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 old K k y friend how go on nfFuirs at C 
 
 1 n? egad I flood by you there, though I danin- 
 
 ed^-niyfelf as black as old A r. — My dear Sir 
 
 Toby Punch, it makes me merry to fee you ; you 
 are fo like my dear facetious old friend Johnny 
 
 C y : he was a comical dog, and fo like you, 
 
 that he never opened ]\h lips without faughing, or 
 making others laugh — But; to hufmefs, to bufinefs. 
 I beg your pardon Mr. Furze, I did not fee you— 
 Dear fir ! I hope I did not hurt you, I can never 
 avoid the clofe fqueeze of a friend's hand [/?/;V/fJ. 
 I wi(h old St — rl — g was here, and he would tell us 
 how to begin : but we muft try to do without him. 
 I perceive they all look upon me as the Icsder — no 
 body fpeak'. — egad Fll keep it up. Prince Queer- 
 mount, Lord Childerraount, Lord Culverin, Sir 
 Toby, and you gentlemen without titles, which you 
 all deferve, and which you fhail all have in my next 
 bargain. \^AfuIe. I (hould have faid arrangement, 
 Charles, prompt me.] T vow to God I cannot fpcak 
 Cut of the chair, though nobody fpeaks better in It 
 — Damn it, you a fecretary, why did not you write 
 a fpeech for me ? 
 
 My Lords and gentlemen, [A/ttle.] Its damnably 
 like a Viceroy, 1 fiiall be thereabouts at lailj I hope 
 you look over my defefts, [Charles, vi'hy don't you 
 prompt me ? I believe 1 faould have faid o'verlock, 
 but its all one fmce I have faid it] and perfeflly rely 
 upon me. It is true, want of fincerity has been 
 looked upon as one of my deieCls, but you may con- 
 fide in me, for I am in fuch a defperate fituation, that 
 I can be true to nobody e'fe now. I am ready for 
 all mifchief : but tirft let me have a flice of cold 
 beef and a glafs of Madeira, the bell things in the 
 vvoild to cany a man gallantly ihro* a hot fellion. 
 
 My
 
 The B ATC HELOR. 149 
 
 My Lords and gentlemen, this Lord Sanclio is the 
 inofi: vvhinifical being in the world, there is no 
 making any thing of him. Pray have any of yon 
 been at a duck hunt, I very often divert myfelf with 
 it' at Popeftown, its charming fport, and would make 
 you die with laughing. My affairs with lord Sancho 
 are for all the world like a duck hunt. I have made 
 twenty dead fets at him, butthe devil knows how, 
 he dives under water, and comes up one time at 
 C — r — gh — re, and what is more furprizing, at 
 
 R hf — m, and another at Monaftereven ; nay, I 
 
 have feen him bring up in his mouth Black Phil, 
 Jack Prancer, and old Lyon Head, though they are 
 
 the moil flippery eels in the pond. What fhall we 
 
 do with him. 
 
 Sir Toby., Jmiling. As for my part, I Uiink, with 
 a!! due deference to the opinion of other gentlemen, 
 I think we mud annoy him by fea and land. 
 
 Mr. Solemn, ivhifpering. My dear Sir Toby, take 
 care of your Clare blunders. 
 
 Sir Tohy. I'll mal:e it out — Mr. Solemn you flia'l 
 overwhelm him with filh- water navigulons, and 
 young Mr. Furze here fhall attack him upon the 
 augmentation. 
 
 Mr. Solemn. I approve the motion much, and fir, 
 I mud do myfelf the juRIce to fay, I have always 
 been ready fince the Primate died, (fmce which time 
 I have been quite out of luck) I fay, fir, I have 
 ahvays been ready to keep down the hereditary re- 
 venue, and for that purpofe I have two aouiirable 
 fcliemes in my pocket ! The firfc is, for giving a 
 Twinging fum in the Money-Bill to the paper mills 
 H 3 and
 
 150 The B A TC HE LOR. 
 
 antl flour inills of Limerick; and the other, fir, 
 majus oi'us mo'ceo : to pay land carriage for all the 
 corn that conies to Dublin by the New Canal. 
 
 'Jack. IVIoney-1311], [Charles did not he fay 
 Money-BIlP — I iiope you will not lorget nie there> 
 Mr. Soleiiin. 
 
 Mr. Solemn. No, fir. Wc nmft have a reckoning 
 on that point fiift, it ia my own concern. 
 
 Sir Tohy. Or niir.c. But tliat matter will break 
 ro ftjuarei., we will fettle the matter amicably 
 and tof; lip for it. \_Alule'\ Tf old Sir Toby was 
 alive, I ml^ht have rode a match for it, and dart- 
 ed his P;Kit;reen mare againil Solemn'^ Limerick 
 Bangno. 
 
 "jaik. Conllder, gentlemen, that I have nothing 
 now to depend on hut your bounty; by your ad- 
 vice, (for 1 never /hould have done It of my own 
 head) I have promifed never to take either a peer- 
 age o: a penfion. 
 
 Sir Tohy^.^ But nobody believed yon, your name's 
 a proverb; for you broke your proniife fo often, that 
 it is not expftled you ihould keep it nov/. 
 
 yack. So, gentlemen, you don't think mc bound 
 by this promife. 
 
 Omnss. By no means. 
 
 Jack. Egad I am glad of it, I have had many an 
 
 uneafy ho'ir, and Lady B y, poor good foul, is 
 
 lather difiatistled, and fays I have been walking in 
 
 trammels
 
 The B A TC HE LOR. 151 
 
 trammels ever fince I made it, for in G— 's name,- if 
 I keep it, what will become of me. ivirh a new Lord 
 Lieutenant — By the way, have you any private let- 
 ters from England that mention a change? This is a 
 damned affair of Colonel Lutlerel's, and Doctor 
 
 Lucas. By the by, I wonder he is not here : my 
 
 Lord Marquifs where is he ? 
 
 Marnuifs. I h-ve not feen him fince tlie franchi- 
 fes. 
 
 Jack. My dear Marquifs, I am told you and he 
 made a gloiious figure that day, and that V^ulcan and 
 Venus, the printing-prefs and ftocking-loom, were 
 nothing to you. 
 
 Prince. It was a well judged, patriotic meafure. 
 I fiiould have gone to fee the raree-fhew myfelf, 
 but I took phyfick that day, and (o fent young 
 Billy. By the way, don't you think the licenfe of 
 the prefs is greatly abufed ; the venerable fenator, 
 Do6tor Lucas has been fqueezed into a ballad, and 
 fung all over the town to the tune of " my Kitten 
 my Dearee." 
 
 Mr. Polyphlolhoios. The licence of the prefs is a 
 facred privilege [a long pauze] without it the Free- 
 man's Journal would want fome of my beft effays. 
 My Pollhumus, my Sindercomb, [pauze] my Lord 
 Childermount you know the value of thefe works, 
 your kind obfteterick hand brought them to light ; 
 your tafte approved, and your praife fanQihed them 
 through ali the city. 
 
 H 4 Furze.
 
 152 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 Furze. Come. Mr. Polyphlolboios, be juH: ; I 
 furnifhed a few clalFick fprings of rue and wormwood 
 to compleat the nofegay. 
 
 Mr. Folyfhhjhom. You did, my be ft beloved .' 
 my other felf, were T not Polyphlolboios, I would be 
 Furze. When I get i;ito parliament at the other fide 
 of the water, I will leave you my mantle, with a 
 double portion of the fpirit of Sindercomb. 
 
 "Jack. What you may do as to that, docs not 
 concern the prcfent bufinefs. What is to be done? 
 Gentlemen, it is hard ; becaufe I am a Ipeaker, no 
 body will give their opinion on this weighty affair. 
 Pray, my lord, what do you think of a memorial in 
 this critical time. Your highriefs has a damned 
 good hand at a memorial. 
 
 Prince. I do not concern myfelf in public affairs, 
 but I wilh fome of you would prepare one — No, I 
 
 -will get wife P r B — ; — e, or fenfible R d 
 
 N — 1 — n to do ir, and then you know they cannot 
 fay it was I that did it. 
 
 LordCul'verin. For mv part, I think that will do 
 no good : and as for addrefles and reinonftrances, 
 my bro'her Topfail writes me woid from England, 
 they won't do neither : he fays they have tiied ail 
 ways to right the veflel, but (he will neither obey 
 the helm nor ftays. She's as bad as the corporation 
 of Y — gh — II. I wifh the devil had them all, and I 
 my g eat guns again- 
 
 Jack.
 
 The BATCHELOR. 153 
 
 Jack. ■ Come, come, my lord, don't be fulky, all 
 will be well again. 
 
 Lord CuI'verin. Yes, to be fure, with fuch a pilot 
 as you are: you have almoft foundered us, and we 
 fhall all be loft, un'.eis a frefh gale fprings up, and 
 blows over to us Lord Rochfort, or Lord Harcourt, 
 Lord Sandwich, or Lord Any-body but this damned 
 Lord Sancho. 
 
 Jack. That to be fure is the main point ; is there 
 no way to frighten him, libel him, or cajole him out 
 of Ireland. Mr Polyphlofboios, do tip him another 
 Sindercomb. Sir Toby Punch, you have a very 
 pretty hand at an Agricola. Mr. Solemn, what fay 
 you ? 
 
 Mr. Solemn. I cannnt write, fpeaking is my fort. 
 
 Sir Tohy. And I am going to London : perhaps 
 I may tip him an AgriccLi in the London Chroni- 
 cle. 
 
 Lord Childer mount. I'll have a caricatura drawn 
 of him for my baby-houfe in the country. Sancho, 
 the adorned knight (as the Marquis calls him) Lord 
 Screech Owl, and Boiachio, will make a fine group- 
 for a Dutch picture. When it is fi.nifhed you /halL 
 come and fee it. I have loft my favourite artift, 
 Ennis J but I'll write to my friend Gimcrack, to 
 fend me fome one excellent in that way from Lon- 
 don, for we have none here. You fliall come and 
 fee the pidure, and I'll (liew you my library ; it's a 
 fine room, 56 by 24, and the beft collection of Mo- 
 rocco, vellum and culf Ikin, of any nobleman's in the 
 H e kingdom
 
 154 The B ATC H E L O R. 
 
 kingdom, all in admirable prefervatlon, for they are 
 never opened. I hnve a choice fel of little elzivir^ 
 in wood, which you fhall fee too, and a fet ot poets 
 and Roman emperors, three of tlicm without heads, 
 but all of them originals; I hought them in Italy 
 :unong feveral other things, which all came fafe 
 except the Pindar, a little Rolonia lap-dog, and a 
 pebble ftone which my horfe picked up eroding the 
 jiver Scamander near old Troy, and honeft Murphy 
 Jhall iell you the ilory. 
 
 JaLh. I hear they arc curious, my lord ; but I had 
 rather fee them than 'talk of them. My lords and 
 f^cntlemen, here's another prorogation, and all this 
 10 gratify Borachio and Jack Prancer. Damn it, 
 gentlemen, what has Spaw to fay to the Proroga- 
 tion ? Ireland muft be ruined, becaufe lady Knock- 
 lofty goes to Spaw. 
 
 Sir Toby. I proteft, gentlemen, as far as I can 
 fee the cafe, Mr. Promife fpeaks very wifely ; what 
 has Spaw lo fay to the prorogation? Nothing in the 
 world, gentlemen. As for my part, gentlemen, t 
 proteft, and I am fincere when 1 protell, I believe 
 Lucan waters would cure lady Knocklofty of the 
 fcurvy as cfFetf^ually as all the waters in Germany. 
 Hut what the devil has Borachio to fay to water- 
 drinking .'' do not we all know it was never his pre- 
 cept or practice in Ireland. 
 
 P'jJyphJofl'oios. Curfe on the prorogation — It is the 
 ■very bane of oratory How can a n:an arrive at the 
 flowery plains of honour and reputation, but through 
 ^^e nnilt;tiidinous fca of political contell: and debate, 
 where the multifarious iubjeds call forth the innate 
 powets of the whole man ; when the exquifite 
 
 phrafeology
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 155 
 
 phrafeology of polyfyllables, too big for utterance, 
 agitate the whole frame, make the eyes ftare like 
 the infpired Sybils, and when the uplifted hand 
 forces even the oaken benches to re-echo the fpeak- 
 er's reputation. My lords and gentlemen, it was 
 a fortunate prorogation for Prancer. I had penned 
 and pradtiied a PhiUpick. 'Squire Furze, you have 
 heard me repeat it often ; it is truly Demoilhenick. 
 I'll give you fome ftriking paiTages. 
 
 Jack- For God's fake referve it for the houfe, 
 I fhall hear more than enough of fpeeching if ever 
 we meet there. I hate long debates, belides here is 
 no room for debates j we are all of one mind, we 
 are all of one party. 
 
 Prince. Party, Mr. Promife ; I do not intermed- 
 dle with politicks or party. 
 
 Jack. God blefs me, me lord, what brought us 
 all hear then t I think we were all of one party lad 
 winter ; I am fuie I thought myfelf much obliged 
 by the uniform fupport of your friends; God knows 
 I often wanted their help. I thought we were this 
 day to cement our party yet ftronger, and laid the- 
 plan for our future operations againft Sancho. 
 
 Lord Cuhjerin. I really thought fo. 
 
 Polyphlojloios. I fliculd never have acceded to 
 this day's negociatlon, if I had not thought it 
 was finally to determine our future co-operati- 
 ons. 
 
 Prince. Gentlemen, you really furprife me. '■ 
 
 Sslemn.
 
 156 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Solemn. Surprife you, my lord — we ou^Kt !u he 
 furprized. You invited us here, for what — was it 
 to comniunicate your thoughts on public affairs, 
 — you have told us nothing — was it to confult, you 
 have broached no fuljed — afked no man's opinion 
 —thanks to my prudence, I have given none — it is 
 not my cuflotn, what I rcfled upon in the honefty 
 of my own heart, is fafeft there, no betrayer fliall 
 fnatch it from my bread:, and my Lord, I difclaim 
 all party as fully as your highnefs, or any gentleman 
 •who hears me fpeaiv. My thouji,his on public mat- 
 ters, I fliall utter when and where I ought: they 
 fiiall not be anticipated in tavern talk over the ta- 
 bles of gamblers. My Lord, you value youifelf on 
 your taciturnity, I appeal to your fincerity — was it 
 to mock us you called us here — did you weary your 
 horfes and your fervants, to fummon us hear upon 
 a matter of iefs weight than viewing your improve- 
 ments ; a matter of no weight, when the moll 
 weighty preffures bow down this pillaged country. 
 If, as I hoped, yours and Promijes'% jaring intcrefts 
 could be reconciled, my hand had heip.'d the caufe 
 of liberty againft the ralhnefs of a wanton Viceroy. 
 This is your card, my Lord, if It is mockery on 
 me, it is no honour to the fender. 
 
 Sir Toby. I proteft, as for my part, I (hould not 
 have came here but for your highneh's card. 
 
 Omr.es. Nor I. 
 
 Furze. By G — this Is as ridiculous and incon- 
 gruous (as my fiiend Po!yphIofl.)olos calls itj as a 
 confukalion of phyficians about a dying patient ; 
 
 the
 
 The B ATCHELO R. 157 
 
 the country may perifh— but indeed we are not fed 
 to preferve it, 
 
 Prirce. My lords, and you gentlemen, I folemn- 
 ly declare to you, I know as little of the cards as 
 I do of the bufinefs that brought you hear. I gave 
 no diredtions about cards, my fecretary would not 
 dare to write without my authority ; I am fure 
 
 both B e and N n have too much fenfe to 
 
 endanger the lofs of my favour j it muft be fome 
 boyifh joke. 
 
 Solemn. Joke, My Lord ! it is a ferious offence. 
 
 Prince. Oh, Mr. Solemn, do not take it fo fe- 
 rioufly, it is probably a joke of my coufin Willy's, 
 
 Polyphlojhoios. What, B h. 
 
 Prince. Yes, you know he is lively and fpiri- 
 ted. 
 
 Polyphlojhoios. I know he is impetuous, but do 
 not believe him fo unmannerly. 
 
 Prince. But, my lords, gentlemen, you will (lay 
 and dine. 
 
 Furze. No, my lord, we have gotten a bellyful 
 of this viiit already. 
 
 [Exeunl omnes. 
 
 NUM-
 
 158 The B ATCHELOR. 
 
 NUMBER XXVIII. 
 
 Facundi calices, quern non fee ere ilifer turn. 
 
 A letter from Mr. Pryabout Shorthand, to one 
 of his Majeftys principal Secretary s of State. 
 
 N obedience to your Lordfhip's commands I fend 
 ^ vou the minutes of tlie Debating Society, and 
 v.'iih all humility, I fubmit it as my opinion, that 
 there is no necefiiiy for my continuing longer on this 
 dutv, as the meeting is already fallen into as much 
 contempt in this metropolis, as the Society of the 
 Bill of Rights with you. I have received the five 
 hundred pounds for the laft quarter, by an order on 
 the Treafuiy, and wait for your Lordftip's further 
 inftruflions. 
 
 I have the honour, &c. 
 The PRESIDENT'S Charge from the Chair. 
 
 ** Gentlemen, 
 
 IT gives me heart-felt fatisfadlon, to behold fuch 
 a re'peftable aflemblage of the fons of freedom, 
 met to give their ultimatum to the moft conftitutio- 
 nal quellions. We have been threatened with a 
 mercenary band of blood-thirfty redcoats, who 
 would maflac.e us with as little remorfe as our bre- 
 thren in Sc. George's-ilelds, or in the ftrcets of 
 Boilon : fuch a terror are we become to this venal 
 
 and
 
 The B ATCHELOR. 159 
 
 and corrupt adminiftration, under which we groan ■ 
 — Moreover, a wicked judge has recommended It 
 to 2i packed jury, to prefent us as a niiifance — Thus 
 are we difgraced my friends — We are efteemed like 
 the dirt of the ftreet, yea, like unto had po'vement, 
 or a dunghill ! — Wherefore, fhall we not roufe ? 
 Shall we not make our opprefTors tremble ? Shall the 
 famed and gallant fons of Hibernia remain tame and 
 fubmilTive, when chains are forging for them ? — O 
 ftupid generation ! well may ye be likened unto a 
 fmith's dog, that deeps under the anvil, though To 
 
 many fiery fparks fly about him. 1 am a freeman, 
 
 a fon of Bofto«ian independence and liberty. I was 
 going on a million to America, to propagate the 
 Chriftian faith among Infidels, but have fixed my 
 abode among you, to eftablifh an hibdov.al feminary 
 ■where each perfon may learn ail the trt e graces of 
 elocution, at the moderate expence of one fliiiling. 
 Let uo then hold the murrour up to natvi.'e, as Shake- 
 peare fays, and make the wicked tremble. — I am by 
 birth a North country Englifhman : I was bred up, 
 as T luay (ay, at the foot of Gan/^liel. and I ftij] re- 
 main a true fon of the Kiik. I was degraded from 
 my ghoRly function, for getting a wencli with child 
 at Dumfries ; I afterwards ferved as chaplain, and 
 fometimes locum tenens, at the R-obin Hood Society, 
 fo that I hope ye are fatisfied with my abilities to fill 
 my prefent ftation with luftre and dignity, notwlth- 
 llanding the bafe reproaches of a reverend gentle- 
 man, who is to be made a bifliop for abufing me and 
 this refpeclab'e fociety — [a hv.d clap]. — But I beg 
 
 pardon, I fhall read the quetlion. PVheiher the 
 
 prefent calamities of the kingdom of Ireland^ in gene- 
 raU (ire in the lea[l degree to be attributed to the con^ 
 
 dua
 
 i6o The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 dud of our prefent Chief Go'vernory and his party ? 
 And if noty to nvhat are they to be attributed P 
 
 This oration from the chair was received with 
 great applaufe — Several orators, dillinguifhed in the 
 fcnate, rofe to fpeak, among the reft Sir William 
 M'Eftimate, who Ipoke jis follows. 
 
 " Mr. PrefiJent, 
 
 IK E N very v,-eel frae whence all the calamities 
 of this nation derive their fpring and origin — It 
 is frae the decline of the nianufadtures, which pro- 
 ceed frae the prorogation' of parliament, and frae 
 ftriking my name frse oi:t the privy council h-ike., 
 which a noble Duke of this country took fo much to 
 heart, that he would nae longer fit among fuch folk 
 when I was put awa'. — But what better can we ex- 
 pect, when the Lord Lieutenant's ain fecretary, or 
 
 amanuenfis, is Sir G ge M — t — ey, Lord Bute's 
 
 ain fon-in-iaw. Scottiili influence prevails, and as 
 the fcrapture fays, preferment nae comes from the 
 South, nor frae the Eafc, nor yet frae the Weilj then 
 it is plain to any cheeld. who u:.derftands boxing the 
 compafs, that it mufl come fraethe North. But it 
 is an ill wind blaws no body gude. 
 
 *' Ah culd I once have the fe'icity of feeing my 
 gude freend, the greet Duke, his Mnjefly's ain fub- 
 Ititute in this kingdom, every thing would gang on 
 brawly. He is the mon ot ragulerity and exadtnefs 
 —every thing gangs on in his femily by the nicell 
 calculations — not a gill of oats gangs to his ftablcs 
 without proper memorials, returns, and certificates. 
 Ah culd you but behold the periodical cloud ot con- 
 fufion, occafioned by the reciprocal difcharge of the 
 
 pui-
 
 The B A TCHELOR. i6i 
 
 pulverifing machines, to ornoment the heads of his 
 artillery-difciplined domeftics ; how they gang 
 through their motions and evolutions by the ding of 
 the clapper, as if they were under his Grace's ain 
 former command at Chapple-izod. How they dare 
 not but (lice their bonnocks, and let down their 
 ir^eh by the fame rule — and repletion and evacuati- 
 on (two of the main calls of nature) mud not be at- 
 tended to, without the great Duke's order. Alfo, 
 — but its aw of a piece, the fame exa£tnefs and (Eco- 
 nomy runs through every thing. — Now caft your 
 eyne towards the Caflle, and you'll find it quite daf- 
 ferent. The mon at the heed of it does not mind 
 his equipage, or his money, but fquanders the lall, 
 fometimes in donations that would make even the 
 bank of Edinburgh fhrink, — in a thoufand pounds 
 Britifh to one red coat, half as much to another, 
 only becanfe he kend them to be Hout lads, that had 
 none of their ain to purchafe preferment. But hut 
 awa, the wee fandy box is juft run out, and I'll not 
 trefpafs on the rules of the Society ; for here, as in 
 another place, while I have the honour to fit, I'll 
 ftand or faw by their privileges" 
 
 A member without a /hirt, a large cudgell in his 
 hand, and a long fword by his fide, rofe next, and 
 (poke as follows. 
 
 IH A V E lijlened to all that has been faid againft 
 the Lord Liftenant and geverment, with the 
 greatefl pleafure, becaufe I niver was in company 
 with either of them, and they that are not my ac- 
 quaintance can't be my friends, and as I am part of 
 the conmmnity, in my free debating capacity, they 
 can't be the friends of all Dublin. There is nizier, 
 
 I'm
 
 i62 The BATCH ELOR. 
 
 I'll) fure, hardly njent/em in Fleet-ftreet or Chequer- 
 lanc, or any of the contagious places, who dots not 
 thinl; the prorogation was, and is the caufe of all 
 cur misfortunes, which we have been fuffciing thefe 
 ten years, for how will poiatoes grow, when there is 
 no parliament to encourage ngiiculture — or how 
 will we get whifliey to keep up cur fpirits, when the 
 county of Clare's mimber can't make a motion about 
 it. Tjiefe, fir, I take it are ferous confiderations, 
 and worthy the attention of luch a body of gentle- 
 men as we are. But, fir, there is fomething more 
 to be imputed upon the Lord Liftenant, and that is, 
 fir, that he ftays \\qxq fpimling his money among us, 
 when fix times lefs would be fpent if we had our 
 ould juftices. Sir, I think it is now pretty clear, 
 .that the Lord Liftenant and the prorogation, are 
 tv/o of the worft people that ever was in this coun- 
 try. I hope, therefore, well conclude with a vote, 
 that they are both our enemies." 
 
 This fpeech v/as received with great applaufe. 
 The prefident then gave three diftinft knocks with 
 his hammer, commanded filence, and alked if any 
 perfon chofe to fpeak to the queftion. Lord Chil- 
 dermount then rofe up, and faid. 
 
 " Mr. Prefident, 
 
 THOUGH I have long fat in the firft aflembly 
 of this nation, abforbed in filence, yet — yet 
 — among you, gentlemen, 1 will attempt to articu- 
 late on the prefent deplorable flate of affairs. — Firft, 
 I would have you to know, that all governments are 
 alike — all tyrannies and corruption. I never could 
 fee any palpable difference betv/een this or that 
 government. A Bafhaw of Turkey, or a Lord Lieu- 
 tenant,
 
 The B ATCHELOR. 163 
 
 tenant, is all alike to me. I always oppofe, and will 
 oppoje, becaufe government is a reflraint on free 
 people J therefore it is wrong. Now, feeing it is 
 wrong, I mull be right in oppofing it — [<? loud clfip]. 
 — Sir, when I revolve in ^iiy mind the revolution — 
 the revolution of empires, " For corn now grows 
 where Troy town ftood." — You may be furprized, 
 gentlemen, I aver it upon my credit, I have been 
 on the fpot. — I call on my noble friend the Mar- 
 quifs of Bolus-rule, who has trod in thofe clalllc 
 regions." 
 
 IVlarquifs of Bolus-rule. 
 
 CALLED upon by my honourable friend, in the 
 prefence offuch a refpedable body of my con- 
 ftituents, whom I ufed to fpeak. to in the gallery of 
 the parliam.ent houfe — I will confefs, ingenioujly, 
 that I always thought Troy had big walls about it 
 like Leinfter houfe, for at fchool, I remember a 
 game I ufed to play, called, The Walls of Troy. 
 However, I cou!d not travel to that part of Afiatic 
 Africa, as I was fo bufy writing letters at Turin, to 
 the worthy corporations of this city, who ele£led 
 me a parliament m.an. It has been reported, that all 
 thofe letters were written in Dublin, by one M'Der- 
 mot, a breeches-maker. I therefore take this op- 
 portunity of clearing up my character, and affuring 
 you all, that it is a maliciou.s ftory : neither the 
 Prince my father, nor myfelf are at all acquainted 
 with this M'Dermot, who obliged us fo much, and 
 you know that's impoffible if he had done it. 
 Now, I hope, Mr. Prefident, you are thoroughly 
 convinced by my Lord Childermount's fpeech and 
 
 mine,
 
 i64 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 mine, that all the diftrefs of the kingdom is owing to 
 
 the /»orogati9H." 
 
 Here the prefident exclaimed — well fpoke — excel- 
 lently fpoken gentlemen — will any flave dare to 
 fpeak in favour of the Lord Lieutenant, againd fuch 
 convincing arguments of a couple of fuch fweet 
 illuftrious noblemen. On this, Mr. B — g — 11, a 
 merchant, rofe and addrefled himfelf to the prefi- 
 dent : 
 
 "SIR. 
 
 HAVE you fir, the vanity or folly to fuppofe, 
 that government would condefcend to take 
 any notice of an afTemblage of citizens, who are 
 only met to talk about what they do not underftand, 
 and put money in your pocket. Sir, is it the privi- 
 lege of freemen to prove themfelves fools whenever 
 they pleafe, either by their fpeeches here, or by their 
 writings in the Freeman's Journal. — For my part, I 
 have no objedlion. By thid means, the noxious hu- 
 mours of the body politic are difperfed : was it for 
 this purpofe only, the freedom of fpeech, and the 
 freedom of the prefs, fliould be preferved inviolate. 
 If a jury fhould prefent you as a nuifance, they 
 would pay you a compliment, and beftow fome im- 
 portance on you. No judge ever defigned to ani'- 
 madvert on your proceedings. I defy you to prove 
 any fingle point of what you have alTerted. 
 
 If reafon and truth might influence your rcfoluti- 
 ons, I could eali'y convince you, that your com- 
 plaints are g'-oundlefs. To afk whether the national 
 calamities are occafioned by our prefent Chief Go- 
 vernor and his party, is in efFet^ to afk, whether the 
 
 late
 
 The B ATCKELOR. 165 
 
 late bad harvefts are to be afcribed to the piorogatf- 
 on. Sir, the kingdom has payed one mililon in 
 ready cafh, within thofe two years, for corn. This 
 has diminiflied the current fpecie, and checked our 
 commerce and manufa<Stures. — [/^ loud hifs and 
 proati] — Sir, I have a right to fpeak in this fociety, 
 and I will be heard — It is true indeed, the price of 
 every thing is railed, from a ftale egg in the maiket, 
 to an inclependant patriot. The extortion of your 
 landlords, and the avarice of your patriots, have 
 done all this. A patriot's declamation on the grie- 
 vances of his country, is only a fign that he wants 
 a place or penfion ; as the creaking of a cart wheel 
 fhews that it wants greafing. — Sir, the ballance of 
 trade is always in our favour, without this we 
 could jiot fubfift as a nation. Above a million and 
 a half is fpent by our abfentees — by men who en- 
 joy the double pleafure of irreparably injuring their 
 country, and expofing their ignorance and abfurdity, 
 to all Europe. 1 fliall illuftrate my laft affercion by a 
 true anecdote — A noble Lord who lately had a con- 
 fiderable employment in this country, afrerted in a 
 polite circle at Spa, and fwore by Jasus, that an 
 Iripman could fpeak Englhh better than an EngliJJj- 
 vian. A gentleman who was prefent, immediately 
 replied, fir, you put me in mind of the fable, where 
 the wife peafant determined that a mimic could 
 fqueek better than the pig itfelf." 
 
 Here a confufed noife of " Knock him down — 
 »' Turn him out — Kill him" — interrupted all pio- 
 ccedings. The fociety broke up in confufion. 
 
 N U M-
 
 i66 Ihe BATCHELOR. 
 
 NUMBER XXIX. 
 
 I 
 
 N the lafl Batchelor were omitted for want 
 of rooai the following elegant fpeeches. 
 
 Lord B/ihletongue.'] The freedom of dfebate is, 
 in my humble lentiments, too much confined in all 
 the fenates of Europe. The profert'ors of law, 
 thofe gent'eir.cn with the large envtloping wi^s 
 — (I wilh I could teach them .o be a little more 
 (iegagr) — they muft pardon my expreflion j they, 
 fir, have invented a parcel of barbarous and ruftic 
 forms, to keep the direction of the debate, entier- 
 ment, in their own hands ; and certain Lords of a 
 Bench, which I have in my eye, are always ready 
 to fuppon them ; fo that a gentlemen of any li- 
 beral conceit, who attempts to emerge, is, incejfam- 
 mtnty called to order, his fpirits difcompofed, his 
 ideas iUrangi. 
 
 The being confined to one fpot in the Houfe, I 
 take to be an empechement to elocution. There is a 
 fympathetic correfpondence, fir, of the faculties of 
 man, when he enters into action : I fay Mr. Prefi- 
 dent, we all know what Demofthenes (aid of it — 
 Being aiked what he thought the firft qualification 
 of an orator, he replied a^Stion ; by which, I con- 
 ceive, he meant to fay viounjement. Njw, fir, if 
 adion be the conflituent principle of eloquence, 
 graceful adlion mull conftitute the efTence of it, 
 and ajfttrement, fir, muft give it the true bon ton — 
 Dancing, fir, is modulated, graceful adion ; — there- 
 fore,
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 167 
 
 fore, it logicaily follows, far confeqiient, as a poflu- 
 latum, that he who dances be^l , muR fpeuk beil — 
 [a loud laugh']. I do not comprehend why gentle- 
 men "are pleafed to be fo merry : — They aie much 
 miAaken when they efteem the obfervation of Mcn- 
 fieur Marceil, on the Eail of Oxford, as a bagatelle. 
 Yet, fir, Moliere, a celebrated French philofopher, 
 corroboracCS it, by piovir.g that ali x.\\q faux pas of a 
 man's life, were owing to his not having learned to 
 dance. No miniller, fir, who has not a good ftep, 
 can maintain hia ground long. You krow how foon 
 the Queen difm'ffed Lord Oxford. Not one of our 
 late m'Tiiilers had un air iinpofant. You perceive 
 how ill they maintain therafelves. I never faw any 
 man of fo clownifh a deportment, or tin air aujji nioins 
 faconne, as our prefent viceroy. 
 
 I hope, fir, you will excufe this digreflion, which, 
 vet, I do not thinic a digreifion, but rather the intro- 
 
 djftion, ox peroration to my oration.- Sir, I have 
 
 ftudied to ferve my country, I intend viliting all the 
 fortifications of the kingdom ; — a true ftate of them ' 
 1 (hall prefent to an illuilrious body, next feflion of 
 parliament. To qualify inyfelf properly for this im- 
 portant duty, 1 am now learniiig fortification under 
 an IriHi Vauban, the greateft engineer of his age. 
 
 Monfieur Le F 1, — but, fir, i do this (as I do 
 
 every thing elfe) in a mode toute nowvelle — .Vionfieur 
 L.e F. direcla, fuperintends, — my Frifieur exe- 
 cutes. Let me explain mylelf — my hair, fir, is 
 dreffcd in the form of bailions, ravelins, fcarps, 
 and counter-fcarps, half moon.s and full moons, 
 (not to mention le cartouibe dejlahiUe of the morn- 
 ing) 
 
 Thus,
 
 i68 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Thus, fir, fcience and drefs, like the tifter arts, 
 are happily blended, and imitually airifh each other. 
 Give nie leave to mention a ban mot oi iinne on this 
 occafion, which, in ray humble conception, is fu- 
 perior to any of Chefteifield's, or Lord Sancho's : — • 
 Monfieur Le F. gave orders to ere6l a crown work 
 on the occiput — Pardonnez mot, fays I, Monfieur 
 Le F. I am a patriot — an opponent to arbitrary 
 government — an enemy to all crown works. He! 
 — he ! — he ! — He then directed an horn work to be 
 erefled on the finciput. Pardonnez mot, fays I again, 
 Monfieur, I am not married, it is rcfefved for the 
 Countefs of Babeltongue, to conftruQ a horn 
 WORK on my head. — He I — he I — he ! — Since I 
 perceive gentlemens gracious accueil of my endea- 
 vours, the approbation of my manner, and exhiiirati- 
 on of my jeux d'efprit, I will gratify them with a 
 recital of a late fcintillatir-n of my fancy, in an illu- 
 ftrious — but obfcure, in a dignified, but futile afTem- 
 
 bly- The premier of this frivolous fociety, that 
 
 frigorific head of cafuiftry, his face enfoncee in a 
 deep wood of hair, the other day commanded an 
 order to be read againft me, for fpeaking difrefpedl- 
 ful of the King's Chief Governor : I was neither 
 diflieartened nor embarafled j with that acumen and 
 leadinefs fo peculiar to mytl-lf, I aflcrted that Lord 
 Townihend was his Majefty's fervant and Vice-Roy, 
 but he certainly was not the King's Chief Gover- 
 nor. He I — he ! — he ! — A torpor immediately be- 
 numbed the faculties of the fociety, vvhilll;, with a look 
 of ineffable contempt, I fcated myfelf in my place. 
 — Pardon my confuficn, fir, I am always embarrafTed 
 when I praife myfelf: — this mawvaife honte I never 
 could conquer. Yet, fir, I think I muft exclaim 
 againft the ingratitude of government — I cannot 
 
 contain.
 
 The B A TCIIE L OR. 169 
 
 contain, fir, (iveeps) — pardon thefe tears, they are 
 for the lofs my country fuftains, in not giving nie an 
 opportunity to fhine in arms. I only wanted to 
 charge at the head of a regiment of cavalry. By 
 Heavens I vi^as denied : ah quel facheux contretems. 
 Yet, the conditution, in church and Rate, was pie- 
 ferved by this arm — Let them conquer the next 
 Oik-Boys themfelves, Babel tongue wi'l no longer 
 fight their battles. — If I was dumb, this ribband 
 would fpeak for me. — When I was inftalled, my 
 praife was founded from the throne — all Europe 
 acknowledged my merits. — The ladies admired me 
 —and an sethereal Heaven-taught young noble- 
 man, who was an eye-witnefs of my heroic valour, 
 and conquered under my aufpices ; — he, fir, cele- 
 brated my victory In thefe fublime and Pindaric 
 ftrains. 
 
 Recitative. 
 
 «' Yon valiant chief — behold from far, 
 " Refulgent as the God of War : 
 
 •' It's C te, his country's fheild, 
 
 «' The firft in glory's field. 
 
 <' Mark his graceful flowing wig, 
 
 " Adark his wcU ty'd folitaire ; 
 *' Lo, his hat, with terror big, 
 
 " And glitt'ring fword-knot fparkling In the 
 " air. 
 
 Air. 
 
 " 'Mongft heroes and fages recorded, 
 
 " C te faired and foremoll: fhall fliine ; 
 
 <« A ribband's the meed that's awarded, 
 " To recompenfe valour like thine. 
 
 I *' Whilft
 
 I/O The B ATC HELOR. 
 
 «' Whilll: ladies In jijft aLiniiration, 
 
 *< Ofwlfdoni and valour agree; 
 «' So long ev'ry age, ev'ry nation, 
 
 " Shall hallow an oak bough to thee." 
 
 Why fiiould I mention the trophies torn from the 
 tenacious grafp of rebels — the blue ilockirjg of the 
 tirft female fiend who headed the infurrediion, known 
 to the vulgar by the lamlliar appellation of rvloll 
 Coggin — but/«r mo}i honneur : I can affirm fhe was 
 a magician of the firll: magnitude. With this blue 
 flocking, 1 prefented two garlands of oak, torn from 
 the heads of two rebellious enchanters, whom vil- 
 latic rufticity lliled, CoA'-herds, — or Cow-boys. 
 For thefe military atchievements, my Sovereign re- 
 warded me with thefe blufliing honours I now wear, 
 (pointing to his ribband) with the placid confciouf- 
 nefs of merit, and the foft dignity of humility. 
 Gentlemen, the prefent Viceroy and his venal court, 
 obferve with contempt — with ridicule, — the eafe 
 of my motion — the grace of my ilep — the unlabour- 
 ed flow of eloquence : — the minute ftep — le che'val 
 dtelje — and the meditated bov/, are now become a 
 prey to the fneers of buffoonery. Sir, I am a patri- 
 ot, a friend to liberty — I will defend the privileges 
 of the peerage from all encroachments. If antient 
 peers tamely refign thofe privileges handed down to 
 them by their illulbious ancellors, a coronet will be- 
 come a mere bauble. In fpite of a fubile lawyer, 
 one of ihofe no^ji hohiines whom I defpife, (men ge- 
 nerally of Jierqiuilinian extraiStio .) I will preferve 
 their privileges inviolate — laced as the diamond 
 hroche which glitters on my bofom, or the brilliant 
 hiickle which fparkles on my elaftic inftep. If peers 
 are inditcriminately to become fubje^t to the laws, 
 vnd obliged to pay their debts, what fliould then dlf- 
 
 tinguifh
 
 The B A T C II E L O R. 
 
 171 
 
 tlnguldi ilicm from the profununi njulgia^ the canailhy 
 the plebeian mechanic ! 
 
 Peradventure, fir, I have a little digrefll;d from 
 the fubjed now wndtx confideration, but this digref- 
 fion truth demanded, and my reputation required. 
 When other gentlemen have delivered their opini- 
 on on this quellion, I fhall declare my lentiments, 
 v/ith that fiaiplicity and diffidence which ever have, 
 and ever (hall, be the diltiiiguiOiing mark of my 
 charatter. 
 
 Lord Ferax*.] Mr. Prefident, I rife to return my 
 thanks to the right hon. member who fpoke lall j 
 I can teilify the truih of all he has aflerted : at 
 the time of the infuiredion in the North, I had 
 frequent and intimate converfations with that cele- 
 brated inchanter Moll Coggln. I have often feen 
 her riding on a black ram with a blue tail ; once I 
 endeavoured to fire at her, but my gun mJted in 
 my hand into a clear jelly ; this jelJy 1 tailed, and 
 if it had been a little more acid, it would have been 
 moll excelJent. Gentlemen may lau ,h, but I de- 
 clare the fad upon my veracity, which has never 
 been doubted. Once I purfued thi;^ fiend into my 
 ale cellar, flie rode inikntly out of my fi^^hi into the 
 bung-hole of a beer barrel ; fire was at that time 
 mounted on her black lam with the blue tail j fome 
 time after, my fervants were much furprifed to find 
 their ale full o^ blue hairs ; I was not furprifed, as 
 I knew the blue hairs were the hairs of the ram's 
 blue tail. Gentlemen may (la.e, bur the fail is as f 
 relate it. Thi:i Moll Coggln was tlu- fiend who 
 laifed the Oak Boys to rebellion. I was alio well 
 
 * LorJ M — —a. 
 
 I 2 acquainted
 
 172 The B AT C H E L O R. 
 
 ?.cqv.ainted with the two cow-boys mention'd by 
 the right hon. member ; they were my tenants, and 
 were certainly endowed with fupernanral powers ; 
 1 Irave known one .of them tear up by the roots an 
 oa^ two hundered feet high, and bear it upright on 
 his head four miles; his part) were on that ac- 
 count ftyleu Oak Boys. Gentlemen may la-igh, 
 but T ijeak from cciiain knowledge ; the oak tree 
 grew in my garden, and I have often feeii five hund- 
 red fvvans perching or. its bouohb ; ihefe fwans were 
 rema.kible for dcllroying all the fnipe in the coun- 
 try ; '^he fwans flew faiier than any fnipe I ever 
 faw • and y'>a may imagine, a fmall bird could 
 make but a I'eeblt 'efillaiice in the talons of a fwan. 
 I hope, gentlemen will pardon my wandering a 
 little from tne preier^t queftion ; the depravity of 
 the times, and irregularity of our prefent Viceroy, 
 have been mentioned by a right hon. member. 
 Gentlemen, 1 fliall fpeak truth in public and in pri- 
 vate life : uiy truth is known : 1 declare then on 
 iriy veracity, I have long been acquainted with the 
 prefent Viceroy ; whatever he has done well in this 
 kino-do.ii' he has di'^ne by my council ; the 0£tenni- 
 al Bill, the tax on abfentees, the bounty on liten, 
 were meafuies I plann'd and recommended. Yet 
 centleraen, this very Viceroy, has treated me with 
 indignity and ou. lage. Gentlemen, can you believe 
 it ? he kick'd iiie down flairs; for what did he 
 kick me down ftairs ? For fpeak'ng truth ; for fuch 
 truths as mil. e, your prefent Chief Governor defpi- 
 fas and ridicules. If any can duubt what I fay, 
 1 can fhew the black and blue maiks on a certain 
 pari of my body, which decency will not permit 
 me to name. — {Here the ajjemhlj cried out'] fhew it, 
 fliew it. 
 
 Lord
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 173 
 
 ILord Ferfix.] If gentlemen infiil: upon it, I fhall 
 comply with their lequells, and ftiew the marks 
 of difgrace. — [Jli roared ou!] fKew them, fhew them. 
 
 Tsm Decorous Letriffle*, the ordeily Seijeant at 
 this lime, rofe from a nitch, and fpoke as fol'ows : 
 
 Thomas Decorous Letri£Je.~\ Gentlemen, T cannot 
 hy any means agree with the honourable fociety,- 
 and give it as (l»y opinion, that the right hon. mem- 
 ber Ihould not reveal to public view thole Ib.ipes, 
 which his pofteriors received from the foot of a 
 ivrant Viceroy. I therefore humbly move, that a 
 fecret committee be appointed to infpeft the parC 
 difcraced, and to make their report to this honoura- 
 ble fociety. 
 
 Omnes. A committee, a committee, [Lord Fore- 
 c/ijlle rifes.] Hear him, hear him, hear your wor- 
 thy member Lord Forecaftle. 
 
 Lord Foreca/I/ef.] By G— d,T think lh.h free focie- 
 ty, feems like a fliip which has neither mall, compafs, 
 or ar.clior. Thofe who fhould work the velTel, ara 
 all reeling and drunk as hell j this quefliion now be- 
 fore us, (do you fee) is whether a refolution qF the 
 Houfe of Commons has the power of an a(5t of par- 
 liament : inftead of fpeaking to this point, a right 
 
 hon. member t-.;Ils you, he was kicked ^very tvellf 
 
 then he is defired to fiiew his pofteriors, then a fe- 
 cret committee is appointed to infpedl it. What is 
 all this to the queftion } By G — d it's fleering quite 
 out of th'e courfe, into a foul channel. Another 
 
 « T— — I L te, EA]. \ I^rd L— — J. 
 
 I J. right
 
 1 74 The B A T C II E L O R. 
 
 liorht hon. member in outlanJif}} A'^^o, (Iiall of which 
 by G — d I do not underitand) talks of his panting 
 fjr glory, and nonfenfe and ftuff, and of an old 
 vviich, and a blue ilocking, what has all this to fay 
 to the power of the Houfe of Commons ? Who the 
 ilcvil cares about the old bitch. We are then told 
 o\ a black ram with a blue tail, and of a gun turned 
 into jc'.lv, the noble Lord who tells thefe iLionders., 
 may fire a good fliot for ought I know. But as to 
 the prefent queiVton ; that is all my eye, for my part 
 I do not care a damn about thefe bonders. .The 
 quellion is, "Can a refolution of the Houfe of 
 " Commons fuipend the law of the land." You 
 may as well afl-:, " Whether the commands of a 
 «' Lieutenant muft be obeyed, when the Captain is 
 «' on board." Who the devil would aflc fuch an ab- 
 furd queftion } If any perfon talked fuch nonfenfe 
 to me, I'd heave him over board before I'd anfwer 
 him. As to the Lord Lieutenant, (do you fee) tho' 
 1 do not like to have him freer our veffel, becaufe I 
 wifli for another pilot, (a friend of my own) yet I be- 
 lieve he is a ;olly fellow, and has fome good tun in 
 him. And as-to his kicking a talking fool who tir- 
 ed him, by G — d I do not like him the worfe for it, 
 but enough of this, the queftion before us, is a non- 
 fenfical queftion, and we have had loo much jaw al- 
 leady — fo I have done. 
 
 JVill. Spitfire*.] Gentlemen I declare upon my 
 honour and reputation, a vote of the Houfe of 
 Commons, ought not to have the force of a law, 
 unlefs when the majority of the lloufe is againft the 
 court in that cafe, and in that cafe only, the ahfolute 
 power of the Houfe of Commons, ought not to be 
 
 * \V m E— . gh, Efq. 
 
 denied.
 
 The B A T CHEL O R. 175 
 
 denied. I reverence, I sdore that Honfe of Com- 
 mcns, Vi'Iiich put the ax to the neck of that ciirfed 
 martyr Charles. I long for a fubflantial ?,6t of ju- 
 ft'ce — if I talk treafon, I am not afhanned of it. T 
 fliall take every occafion to teltify my contempt of 
 all government and governors, particularly of our 
 prefent chief governor. I will go fa.ther, and roufe 
 
 my country to arm^ to arm? jlrike Jlrike 
 
 ] will cenfure Majefty, ifc. nay I v.iil do f-me- 
 
 thin-J vvorfe. Gentlemen may call me a Republi- 
 can ; \ glory in the name ; I glory in the princi- 
 ples ; I fliall ever pay hom.a^e to free fplrits ; I fhall 
 kifs with adoration the hem o{ Mrs. Macauly's re- 
 publican pettycoat, and the anti-minifiierial crutch 
 of Doclor"Bolus. The Stuarts were a fet of tyrants, 
 rafcals, robbers ; their minifters were tyrants, rafcah, 
 robbers ; every minifter is a tyrant, rajcal, robber : 
 we never fliall enjoy happinefs till v/e arc as free as 
 the favage Americans, and the wandering Arabs : 
 rill we are governed by the unerring law of nature. 
 I would have gentlemen know, I '.vas not brought 
 into parliament by any powerful chief. I acknow- 
 ledge no chief; I follow no leader; I will not fol- 
 low reafon, if reafon be with the court ; I will not 
 be led even by common-fenfe, if I find common fenfe 
 joined wiih the adminiftration. Thefe are my prin- 
 ciples, and I will die in defence of thefe principles : 
 1 fiiall boldly declare to my lafl: moment, that the 
 honors of death are extatick blifsy compared to the 
 fmullcft degree of miniiterial controul. 
 
 Omnes.] Hear, hear him ; well fpoke, no gdver- 
 r.or, no minifier, no adminifh.atlon : long life to 
 Will Spifitrc, Do(5lor Bolus, Lord Babeltongue, and 
 Sir Ed — w — d N — n — m. 
 
 I 4 N U M-
 
 i:6 The B AT C HELO R. 
 
 NUMBER XXX. 
 
 Dux jiimina fa^i. 
 
 ViRG. 
 
 The Grey Mare is the better horfe. 
 7o Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Ffq. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 I SEND the inclofed piece to be honoured with a 
 place aiiiongtl your edeemed Speculations, know- 
 ing you have luch a veneration for the relicks of 
 antiquity, that even this, wrote but a century ago, 
 will be reverenced by your applaufe. — It is laid, that 
 the author of it muft have been infpired with a 'fro- 
 phetic fpirit, if he did not allude to any people exilliiig 
 in his time, fince the allegory r.ozv bears the tcft of 
 real perfonification, and is truly defcriplive of an 
 event that lately happened in 
 
 l^he Wilds of Kerry. 
 
 A PASTORAL BALLAD, 
 
 Comp'.Jed one hundred years ago : fet to mufic hy Lad/ 
 
 A NE FiTZ D. 
 
 G 
 
 OOD NATURE and Courtesy, fillers I 
 ween, 
 
 Twin daughters of Virtue the mother ; 
 In feanues fo like that when fingle they're feen, 
 Folks often take one for the other :
 
 The B ATC H E L O R. 177 
 
 In gentle complacency, gefture, and grace, 
 
 A difference fcarce could you fee ; 
 Save one when you fpolce to her fmil'd in your face,. 
 T'other modeftly bended the knee. 
 
 II. 
 
 One fine fumiiier's morning lefo'v'd on a roam, 
 
 They rofe wiih the lark, and as gay. 
 For as they intended to go far from home, 
 
 Theydre's'd themfelvtb out for the day: 
 Their bujkins they lac'd, fo to leave the knee bare. 
 
 And move with a grace unconfin'd ; 
 Their robes that were wont to flow loofe in the air,, 
 
 Were carelefsly tuck'd up behind. 
 
 III. 
 
 Enfliihi'd in a fcarf of a rofe colour'd hue,- 
 
 As fplendid and b.ight as the morn ! 
 A prefent which Hebe the fair goducfs threw 
 
 O'er tlieir faces the day they were born : 
 While fragrance by Zephyr was pilfer'd away,. 
 
 And wafted all over rhe dale ; 
 Their fair auburn treffes a-loofe In difplay. 
 
 Were wantonly kifs'd by the gale. . 
 
 IV. 
 
 Thus array'd for the journey, and each to her mind,', 
 
 They chearfully walk'd on together ; 
 Their fteps were fo flight, left no traces behind, 
 
 And their hearts were as light as a feather : 
 '♦ Far ivejiixjard" fays Courtesy, " lives a fam'd- 
 " knight, 
 
 " Near a town in the mountains of Kerry ; 
 *• If fati^u'd, we'll repofe at that feat of- delight, 
 
 '^ He was viont to be courteous and merry. 
 
 I 5 ' « Erft
 
 178 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 V- 
 
 " Eifl: often times happy we've fung, danc'd, and 
 play'tl, 
 *' And frolick'd away with each other ; 
 *' Hand in hand o'er the hwns and the vallies we 
 " ftray'd, 
 " They took us for filler and brother: 
 ** Fame fays he's much chang'd fince he took a fair 
 *' bride, 
 " Who prefides at the Caftle of Dingle ;" 
 *' He fure won't forp;et us," Goodnature reply'd, 
 " Who carefs'd us fo ofteo when fingle." 
 
 VI. 
 
 Thus in chatting along thev beguil'd away reft, 
 
 'Till at length they difcover'd a town ; 
 Jufl as Sol funk reclin'd upon Thetis's bread", 
 
 And eve became dufky and b:Own : 
 When the caille they fought for arofe in full view, 
 
 Both their eyes and their hearts to delight ; 
 Whofe fplendid appearance they very, well knew, 
 
 And its bountiful owne: the knight. 
 
 VII. 
 
 As they drew near the gate, they adjufled each grace, 
 
 Which had fuffer'd through toil, and the weather ; 
 The hair the ruJe v.'ind had blown over the face, 
 
 They comb'd in. and tied up together : 
 Then rapt at the door, and each i'ent in her name, 
 
 Which anounced that /zyo ladies did wait ; 
 Old acquaintance, they faid, and they thought it no 
 fhame 
 
 To pay him a vifit, tho' late. 
 
 When
 
 The BAT CHE LOR. 179 
 
 VIII. 
 
 When a dowdy like figure, in riding attire, 
 
 With as little of beauty, as grace ; 
 The cheeks all empurpl'd, with fpots red as fire, 
 
 Suffufing it o'er the whole face : 
 With aims fet akimbo, and mafculine air, 
 
 Advanc'd like the caRle's defender ; 
 Tho' the fex none can vouch, as it breeches did 
 wear, 
 
 And feem'd of the epecene gender. 
 
 IX. 
 
 But a fhrill female voice foon the woman declared. 
 
 Which pierc'd like the wind in December ; 
 Afiailing the ears of the nymphs, (who were fcar'd,} 
 
 In words they have caufe to remember: 
 " How have ye the conlidence, hufleys," flie crie?, 
 
 " At this time of niglit to alarm me ? 
 •' The names you fent in are a parcel of lies , 
 
 " You are triilh that belong to the army. 
 
 X. 
 
 " The perjon you've had the aflurance to name> 
 
 " Whofe former acquaintance you boaft ; 
 <' Its the worth of his ears, to acknowledge your 
 *' claim, 
 
 " While I'm at the head of the roafl r 
 *' Such trollops fliall never come near his domain,—' 
 
 " So march off, and feek for nev/ places." . 
 
 Then turn'd on her heel with an air of difdain, 
 
 And flapi the door full in their faces. 
 
 N U M-
 
 lao 
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 N U M B E R XXXI. 
 
 7o Jeoftry WaGoTAFFE, Efq. 
 
 S I R, 
 
 NOTW.THSTANDING the great orJer and 
 regulnrity wh'ch is obfeived in the Irilh Ro- 
 bin Hood, and the dignity and impartiality of its 
 worthy Prefident, I cannot help lamenting that 
 a great number of its wife and candid decifions re- 
 main yet unpiinted. Thofe niiftak.es, fir, Tnuft fome- 
 times happen, on account of a praiStice, (which, 
 however, 1 do not prefume to cenfure,) I metn, fir, 
 that of propofirg a great number of queftions at the 
 fame time, and taking the fenfe of the Society, 
 without informing them of the fubjeft. It muft be 
 owned, that this inconvenience is in a great degree 
 remedied by the power fo judicioufly veiled in the 
 prefident, of altering the refoluiions after they have 
 pafTed. If I ^ould make a motion in that aiL-mbiy, 
 *' That the 'U'Jtes lloitld be amended by the Prefident, 
 <' according to truth," it might feem a fervife imitati- 
 on of the conduft of the H e of C ns in 
 
 j^ ^ W (i's adminiftration, and might be called 
 
 flattery to the late able and worthy S r, who 
 
 formerly efpoufed a m 'tion of that kind with all his 
 influence : — Therefor I fhall decline it, and content 
 myfelf with publiiliing the following refolutions, 
 which were all debated with the ufual candour, and 
 argued upon with the ufual folemniiies. 
 
 Re/ih'ed,
 
 The B ATCHELOR. i8i 
 
 Refoh'ed, That the D — e of L r was always 
 
 enemy to Privy Council Money-Bills. 
 
 Refolded, That Mr. B w was a good patriot 
 
 in the year 17^2, never had any connexion with the 
 late Primate, and obtained his feat at the Council- 
 board by his public virtue. 
 
 Rejolved^ That L — d S ■ n has been a true pa- 
 triot ever fince the year 1753. 
 
 Rejolnjed, That Mr. F- d never fupported 
 
 any ir.eal'ure he had ever oppokd, and that he 
 had no election depending at ihe linie of the aug- 
 mentation. 
 
 Refolded, That Mr. L fhe never fupported any 
 
 unpopular adininilhation. 
 
 Refelved, That Mr. H — fT— y wns not brought in- 
 to parlianient by the D — e of L r, and is under 
 
 no influence •vhatfoever: 
 
 Ref-jl'ved, That ivlr. B gh, Lord Childer- 
 
 mouiiX» Mr. Phlogos the apothecp.vy, and Sir E d 
 
 N in. are deep reaione s, piofcund politicians, 
 
 fobsj patriots, and judicijus diredors of the public 
 opinion, 
 
 Refol-vedy That the late S r's filcnds never 
 
 gloried in tne name of Hacks, in defiance of all vir- 
 tue and decency. 
 
 Refuhed, That Mr. P by never voted for an 
 
 altered Money. Bill ; never fupported aPiivy Coun- 
 cil
 
 1»2 
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 cil Money-Bill; never fquandered the public money 
 injobbsj never robbed a man, dulyeledcJ, of his 
 feat ; never fupported penfions ; never oppofed an 
 explanation ot" Pov'ni'ig's law ; never was inconfillent 
 about 'he augmentauon of the aimy ; never ftifled 
 a Mil tia-Bill ; never co-operated \.iih the aban- 
 doned uieafuies of the late Primate ; never broke a 
 promife ; never fupported a motion one day, and re- 
 fcinded it the next ; never falfified the votes of the 
 
 H. of C- — ns ; never difgraced the ftation of 
 
 L — d j ce, or C r ; never oppofed the 
 
 Oclennial-Bill ; never made charity the inftrument 
 of fediiion ; never betrayed a confidential corref- 
 pondence, or falfified a private conveifation ; never 
 was cenfured in the Freeman's Journal ; never 
 was wavering ; never was inconliitent ; never was 
 unpopular. 
 
 RefoI'vetl, Therefore, that Mr. P by did not 
 
 quarrel with adminiftraiion about the affair of 
 Lord Jobber-General, but about fome of the raea- 
 fures above-mentioned ; and that his refignaiioa 
 of the chair did not proceed irom fear or folly, but 
 from the nobleft motives, and moft patriotic princi- 
 ples. 
 
 Refolded, That Mr. P— — by did not deceive his 
 friends v.'hen he took the chair on Tuefday the 26th 
 of February, and did not betray them by defcrting it 
 on the Saturday following. 
 
 Refohoed, That the city of Dublin did not petition 
 for a meeting of parliament. 
 
 Rejolved, That tlie D — e of L r and Mr. 
 
 P by, did not, by tb^ir jeprefeniaiions to their 
 
 friends
 
 The B AT C HE LOR. 183 
 
 friends in England, endeavour to prevent the meet- 
 ing of parHament. 
 
 Rejolved, That the people did not wIOi for it. 
 
 Rofol'ved, That the m^^eting of parliament was a 
 meafure calculated for the dellriKflion of trade, for 
 demanding of exorbitant loans, and for the repeal of 
 the 0£tennial-Bill, and that it ought to be an unpo- 
 pular meafure. 
 
 Refohjed, That the decay of public credit, and the 
 ttnaccountakle decreafe in the hereditary revenue, 
 have been folely caufed by the appointment of Sir 
 
 W m O rn and Mr. B d, in the room of 
 
 Ivlr. P 'by and Lord L gh. 
 
 Refolded, That every report propagated by Mr, 
 
 P by's friends, about the motives for calling the 
 
 p 1, has proved true. 
 
 Refolded, That the 0£^ennial-Bill was not obtain- 
 ed under the prefent adminifiration. 
 
 Rejolved, That a refident Chief Governor never 
 was whhed for by this kingdom ; and is a means of 
 draining it of its wealth. 
 
 Refolded, That the additional bounty on linens is 
 a great difcouragemenl to that manufafture. 
 
 RefoI'ved, That the liberty of the prefs is reftrain- 
 ed under the prefent adminifttation, 
 
 Refohed, That the mofl decent liberties of fpeech 
 are prohibited under fevere penalties. 
 
 RefoI'ved,
 
 1-84 The B A T C H E L O R'. 
 
 RefolveJ, That the thanks of this Society be pre- 
 fented to the right hon. L — d L — fle, together with 
 a new v/ig. 
 
 RefoheJy That the worthy ptitii.l, L — d B — 
 1 — fs, be elected an honorary member of this So- 
 ciety, and admitted gratis whenever he wears his 
 gpld culfs. 
 
 Refolved, That the thanks of this Society be pre- 
 
 fenied to the E — 1 of ]\ nt, for his patriotic tears 
 
 flied in the H — fe of L ds, together with a new. 
 
 white handkerchief. 
 
 Refolvedy That J — n P by, Efq; has for 
 
 thefe twenty years paft, given one huudrcd guineas 
 donation every fpring to the weavers : therefore 
 his late well-timed benevolence could not be in- 
 tended for fedilious purpofes, on the opening of the. 
 feffions. 
 
 Refoh'edy That the thanks of this Society be pre- 
 fented to the right hon. J — n P by. 
 
 I am, Mr. Wagflaffe, 
 
 your moft obedient humble fervant, 
 
 An INDEPENDENT HACK. 
 
 N U M--
 
 The B ATCHELO R. 185 
 
 NUMBER XXXII. 
 
 ^uem 'v'rum, aiit heroa, lyra, t'f/ acri 
 Tibia fumes celehrare Clio ? 
 ^em deum ? lujus recinat jocofa P 
 Nomen imago. 
 
 HOR. 
 
 \T7E are obliged to the gentleman who fent us 
 VV the following copy of a celebrated Ode, 
 by poft from Cavan : As it has never appeared in 
 print, we hope the publication will oblige our 
 readers. 
 
 A MODERN ODE, on ihenjiaory obtained hy C s 
 
 C te, Efq; oijer the OAK BOYS, and his re^ 
 
 cei'ving the order of the £*** : Jet to tnufic, and 
 performed at the Cajlle of Dublin, on Monday the 
 \oth of January, 1764; the day appointed for 
 his in'vefiture ivith the enfgns of the order. 
 
 I. 
 
 YON valliant chief, behold from far, 
 Refulgent as the morning ftar ; 
 
 'Tis C , his country's fhield, 
 
 The firft in glory's field, 
 His port proclaims the God of War : 
 Maik his graceful flowing wig, 
 Mark, his well ty'd folitare ; 
 
 Lo, his Ijat with terroi big, 
 And fpangled fword-knot fparkling in the air. 
 
 II.
 
 i86 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 11. 
 
 Round me, he cries, my warriors (land, 
 
 To fight againft yon hoftile band ; 
 I come — beneath my ftroLe, 
 Fall— fall— ye Hearts of Oai: : 
 
 Rebellion cea(c at my command. 
 
 Now, now, I mount my rapid fteed, 
 
 He flies! he flies! Vv'ith lightning's fpced ; 
 
 Now, crufh'd rebellion, now vou feel, 
 
 The pangs, the deaths, that wsit my poiiAi'd flee!. 
 
 III. 
 
 View your champion, vlev>' your god, 
 Seize the brick-bat, fe'ze the clod ; 
 Pippins grec;;. and rotten eggs, 
 Hurl them at tiie recreant heads, 
 Miniilers of vengeful hate, 
 Pour the mat the recreant pate ; 
 Let turnips and potatoes flie, 
 Like thunderbolts at every eye, 
 By what ye fed on — rebels, ye fhall die. 
 
 IV. ^ 
 
 Let Pruflia's godlike monarch boaft. 
 His well-fought fields, his laurei'd hoft, 
 
 While Auilria's Eagle drops her wing, 
 And vanquifii'd by the mighty Kiiig, 
 Bewails her pride, her glory lofl:. 
 Yet knov/ proud King, and let it check thy pride, 
 Tho' conqueft's banner now thou waveft wide. 
 Thy vaunted triumphs quickly fliall decline, 
 Loll in oblivion's fliade, while glory circles mine. 
 
 V.
 
 The B A TC KELOR. 187 
 
 V. 
 
 Triumphant C te ! — Ilhiftrlous name [ 
 
 That foar'ft upon the wings of fame j 
 Above the Lunar-walk, or Milky-way; 
 
 The whea^-fheaf hears thy dread command, 
 Swift mounts upon the Reclor's ftand, 
 And at thy call, once more, the fqueaking tythe- 
 pigs play. 
 The fringed hero (peaks the word, 
 Unfolds the terror of his fword ; 
 Staves, bricks, and bolts, can nought avail, 
 Shillela's knotted cudgels fail. 
 Thy plume cafts terror all around ; 
 
 Thy fpangl'd veft, and red-heel'd Hioe, 
 Amaze, confound, the daftard crew : 
 Behold they fall — they die> and dying bite the 
 ground. 
 
 VI. 
 
 C te's valllant adls his foes proclaim, 
 
 Their grief, their tears, record his fame j 
 
 Crown, Britons crown your Vi^rrior's deed, 
 
 With fome illuftrious meed 
 
 That fhall to lateft times record hif. name : 
 Around his manly fhoulders fpread, 
 In waving folds the ribband red ; 
 That emblem bright, 
 Of Bath's proud knight, 
 Given to the fons of glory's line, 
 
 Shall on C te's breaft with double luflre 
 
 fliine. ' 
 
 No
 
 i88 The B A T CHELOK. 
 
 No more fhall H — fT — y's ftar prevail. 
 The gallant Delaval's Ihall fail, 
 
 While C tes (hall ever blaze, 
 
 With undiininlOi'd rays, 
 'Till Heav'n's oib declines, and Nature's felf 
 decays. 
 
 vir. 
 
 The ftoried urn, the breathing hud:, 
 May grace the common hero's duil, 
 
 Thy country, C te, fliall never dt}om, 
 
 Such vulgar trophies to thy tomb j 
 
 Here, fliall the fculptor's happy genius fhew, 
 
 The Aiding movements of the conquering beau : 
 
 The warrior brave, 
 
 A I'word (hall wave, 
 With Orient gems the burniflied hilt fliall glow. 
 There, with a mafl:er's hand fliall artifts trace, 
 The p'umed hat, the twee/er cafe, 
 The dancing pump, and ruffle flounc'd with lace. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Rapt in futurity behold, 
 Panting for fame, the warrior bold ; 
 To him fepulchral honours doom, 
 And graceful dance around his tomb ; 
 While in procelhon, mute and flow. 
 
 The weeping virgins annual go 
 
 His flirine to deck with painted plumes, 
 Pomatums — pafl:es — and fweet perfumes : 
 Such rites are meet to crown his matchlefs 
 fame. 
 
 NUM-
 
 The B ATC HELOR. 189 
 
 N UMBER XXXIII. 
 
 Boerhaa'vius audcritate Heredoti narrat, pefiilentiam 
 olim GrcecitP illatam fuifje gallinaciurn grege : ad- 
 dit praterea — " Diu enim plumis wvium contagio 
 ♦' adh^refcit." 
 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 AS your Speculations are defigned co ercoi;ra?e 
 merit, I think your readers cannot be better 
 entertained, than by perufing a moft valuable and 
 curious extrad from the learned Do£tor Rowley's 
 EfTay on the Plague. 
 
 This eminent phyfician Is well known to the pub- 
 lic by his advertifement in the Mercury. Though 
 an Englifliman, he has condelcended to vifit this 
 poor couiitry, and now dedicates the few fpare hours 
 which his extenfive pradice allows him, to fcience 
 
 and literature When the plague raged in Athens, 
 
 thfre was a folemn einbalfy difpatched to the little 
 town of Abdera, to intreat Hipocrates to vifit the 
 dillrefled Athenians. The phyfician, however re- 
 fufed their requetl, and faid no fee fliould tempt hini 
 to defert his country at fo critical a period. Doctor 
 Rowley, whofe medical knowledge is only equalled 
 by his humanity and generofity, fcorned to imitate 
 the father of phyfic : he juftly concluded that the 
 prorogation rendered us more liable W the infedion, 
 
 and
 
 190 The B A T C n E L O R. 
 
 and therefore flew to us nbout the middle of laft 
 Oiflober, as he heard thai Dodtor Lucas (a§ veil as 
 Boeihaavc) was of opinion, that the wood-cocks 
 uiight carry over the plague in their feathers from 
 Poland ; and as the paiiianient was not Citing, no 
 cccftitutional means could be deviled by the L. 
 L. and council to pievent thofe vagabond biids from 
 fettling in Ireland. 
 
 He alfo adminifters a fpecific to exlulirate the 
 fpirits of all thofe who are apprehenfive of the con- 
 tagion. " If (fays lie) there: be any, whofe minds 
 
 " are difturbed by artfu! and defigning men, on the 
 " fuppolcd approach of this dire complaint : If fuch 
 " will call on me, any day between the hours of 
 " twelve and two, at Mr. Browne's, jewier, in Sidfolk- 
 " ftrect facing the P.ound Church, I doubt not but 
 *< I fhali be able to calm his inquietude." 
 
 Do£lor Rowley is an excellent natural philofopher, 
 
 and very in:imate v/ilh Lord M a, F R. S. 
 
 His Lordfliip has confulted hhn on an excellent 
 fchenie to deftroy the Freiich and Spaniards, ftould 
 
 they prcfuine to invade us. Lord M -a rationally 
 
 fuppofes, thai f me fhip will arrive on our coail: with 
 the plague on board. The Dr. by his lordfhip's 
 direftioRS, is to extradl the contagious atmofphere, 
 and load twenty or thirty air guns with it : a troop 
 of light horfe may be armed with thefc philofbphi- 
 cal fuzees ; the Doctor will command, gain the 
 lueathet guage of the enemy, dlicharge the plague 
 among tl.em, wheel to the right about, and gallop 
 triumphantly to the Caftle, to give an account of his 
 v'flory, and be appointed phyfician general for his 
 
 fervices, in the "-oom of Doctor Barry. Lord M a 
 
 I hear, is to accompany our great Machaon, on this 
 
 expedition,
 
 The B A T C HELO R 191 
 
 expedition, an J to acl as aid-de camp., in order that 
 he may be able to tranfmit an accurate and judicious 
 account of the whole affaii- to his learned brethern 
 of the Royal Society. 
 
 This modern ^fculapius alfo cures the Gout to a 
 miracle. About five years ago, when Lord Chat- 
 ham was given over by the faculty, he wrote 
 and publilhed a letter in the Public Ledger, and 
 gave our Engiilh Demolthenes an excellent pre- 
 fcription, which faved his life. Lord Chatham be- 
 haved with his ufual ingratitude, and never reward- 
 ed the Dodlor ; though the minilhy have never 
 ceafed perfecuting him for thus prcferving the life of 
 their bittereft enemy. 
 
 I can mention another anecdote to the Dodor's ho- 
 nour, which fliews his moderation and generous prin- 
 ciples. — That great patriotic Earl, Lord Sh — b — ;ie, 
 who lodged laft fummcr at Elack-mck,, prcfled 
 the ingenious phyfician to return to England and 
 aflill: him in v/riting Janius's ielters ; promifing 
 to provide handfomely for him when Lord Chatham 
 and he came into admiuittration. This tempting 
 offer the Dc£lor inilanily rejettcd, ar he thought the 
 prefent mode of poiiiical writing, too abufive for one 
 of his liberal fentmienis: and befides, he lo'd his 
 Loidfaip that he was determined to (by here till the 
 pbgue had ceafed in all parts of the world ; and did 
 not doubt but his prefence would be as beneficial to 
 to this poor kingdom, as Jaron\ jlandlng hct^^een 
 the dead and the Having., ivhich flopt the plague in the 
 camp of the Ifraelites. 
 
 With grateful hearts we fiiould commemorate the 
 many favours we receive from England. — Our fine 
 
 gentlemen
 
 192 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 gentlemen and ladies, would have nothing but pota- 
 toe leaves to cover theirnakednefs, only for our ge- 
 nerous brethren, w^ho furnifh us with cloth and filk. 
 They export cow doftors for our cattle ; phyficians,. 
 wife like Solomon and Rowley, for our bodies ; and 
 bilhops and prietls to take care of our fouls ; whofe 
 charity and benevolence is unqueftionable, for they 
 are generally endowed with the moft extenfive fees 
 and parifnes, though every body knows their apolio- 
 lic labours are doubled by this hard treatment ; yet 
 like go^d ChriiVians they patiently fubniit, well 
 knowing that their majlers hingdom is not of this 
 nxjoriJ- Formerly too we were blelT^d with Englifn 
 ludges ; men of fuch amazing abilities, and great 
 modefty, that their iiierii was never known in Eng- 
 land that was left for our fuperior fagacity to 
 
 find out : — But fince a refident Lord Lieutenant 
 weakly imagined that he could choofe Iiilhmen 
 fit to decide on the lives and properties of their 
 countrymen, we are a ruined nation ! Our trade 
 has failed, our banks and merchants (lop pay- 
 ment ! The grafs grows in our deferted ftreets — The 
 revenue is ruined, fince our arbitrary Viceroy dif- 
 
 milTed that great financier Mr. P y, from his 
 
 Maiefty's fervice. Our artillery rufts, and our ma- 
 gazines are gone to decay, ^wct:. that mailer of pro- 
 iedliles, Lord S n no longer points our artillery. 
 
 In this " diftrefsful, diftracled ftate of affairs," (as 
 my frifnd Doclor Lucas fays) if the publilcatlon of 
 this precious fragment can alleviate the calamities 
 of my country, and infi.ru £1 our ignorant Smiths, 
 Qiiinns, Barrys, and fuch quacks, in the irrefragable 
 principles of phyfic, I ftiall think myfelf happy. 
 
 Extra.7
 
 The BATCH ELOR. 
 
 t93 
 
 Ex trail from DoAor Rowley's Ejfay on the Plague. 
 
 " A ^^ ^ "°^' ^ fpeak from experience. A few 
 Jl\. " years ago I attended feveral perfons who 
 had the figns cFth's dreadful difeafe. It was part 
 ' of a fhip's crew that had arrived from the Levant, 
 ' and who had come on fhore all feeniingly in good 
 » health. But when the men had opened tlieir box- 
 
 * es and fliit'ted themfelves, they became all of a 
 ' fudden ill ; which was a convincing proof that the 
 ' infettion had been conveyed in their cloathes, 
 ' Some had buboes, under their ai mpfts, and behind 
 ' their ears only j others had the carbuncle of the 
 ' livid circle, and fome were attended with both, 
 
 and all recovered, The method 1 took to preferve 
 myfelf, was to change my cloathes, and to fumi- 
 gate them daily, walhing myfelf v. ith vinegar, in 
 which v/ere infufed garlick, rue, betony, and ju- 
 niper berries, ofv.'hich I took Inwardly, twice a 
 day, nvo meat fpoonfuis, gargling my mouth with 
 It, and fnu^-ing it up my noftiils. To this infufiorj 
 I always added a little carnphire. Sometime after 
 I tryed this moft dangerous experiment, I waflied 
 myfe'f in the blood and faliva of a mad dog, 
 without feeling the leait bad efteft from it, excent 
 a little fpafm in the calf of my right leg, which 
 in a few days I appeafed. The fuccels of thfs 
 experiment I communicated to a noble Duke, 
 whofe name will always be revered by the people 
 of this kingdom, v/ho advlfed me to ky it befbre 
 < the fecretaries of ftate, which I did, with an Inten- 
 
 ♦ tion to go to Conilantinople, (under the proteCtl- 
 
 * on and fanclion of government) to try the fucccfa 
 « of the treatment there, and upon my return (if 
 
 • fuccefsful) to apply for a reward to the Britilh 
 
 K " par-
 
 ,t94 The BATCH ELOR. 
 
 ** parliament. It was confidered as a noble, but ha- 
 *' zardous undertaking, and I was advlfed to confuit 
 " with an honourable gentleman who had refided at 
 *' the Porte upwards of fifteen years as ambafludor 
 *< from the court of Great-Britain ; who tr-jve me 
 *' fuch an account of the nature and temper of the 
 »' Turks, and the roguery of the Greek phyficians, 
 *< as quite difcouraged me from putting my defign 
 <« into execution. But, I beh'eve, there is no fci- 
 *< cnce fo over run with fo many worrhlefs crea- 
 <« tures, as that of phytic ; for there is fcarcely any 
 <« large city, but there is a fet of people that would 
 «' engrofs the whole circle of pra(!rtice to themfdves, 
 " of whom it is haid to determine, whether they 
 '" have a greater want of honelly or of underftand- 
 *' ing. A fet of people, who ftudy the art of de- 
 " ceiving, more than how to perfect a cure. A fet 
 << of people, fo much the enemies of common fenfe, 
 *' that to have but a moderate degree of learning, 
 «* is with them a crime unpardonable, and who 
 <' pofl'efs no one fingie talent in perft(S^ion. Upon 
 *< the whole, there is not the leaft doubt but that 
 •' this dread ul difeafe may be both prevented or 
 «' cured, or otherwife rendered lefs fatal. God for- 
 <« bid that it ihould ever happen in this kingdom : 
 *' but if it Ihould, I lliall be both ready and willing 
 «< to hazard my life for the welfare of the public. 
 " Let me recommend it to every one to preferve a 
 " chearful even temper, to banifli fear, and always 
 *' to remember, that the morbid effeds of the mind, 
 " are as bad as thofe of ihe body". 
 
 JOPIN PROBY ROWLEY, M. D. 
 
 Tl^is ludicrous ejfay tvas of public fcrrice, for the quack im~ 
 meJiatelj quitcd the kin^dcKi, as he ivat treated ivith C3nti;:!pt 
 0rtd riaitukt c"&^« iy his Patients. 
 
 NUM-
 
 th« B A T C H E L G R. 195 
 
 NUMBER XXXIV. 
 
 Hie niger eji. Hoi. 
 
 To Jeoftry Wagstaffe, r.fq. 
 
 S I R, 
 
 YESTERDAY my curiofity was gratified, 
 by reading an Epigram additiTcd to C. j. 
 F — iz ns*. 
 
 I own I conceived the highefl dcteftation of" its 
 author, by reading Sylla's fe'vere aiiimadveifions 
 on it, in the Freeman. I now entirely agree with 
 him, that the author (v/hoever he is) of" that"" fcan- 
 *' dalous, infamous," falfe, and " inuiioral" epigram, 
 deferves to be marked like Cain, as a vagabond, and 
 a murderer of repui.ations. — He is certainly a friend 
 to the Jefuiis, a dangerous enemy to the Protellant 
 religion, a difafFcfted fubjefl, and a betrayer of his 
 country. — The very firlt line cads an ungenerous 
 Tefledion on all thofe who renounce the eirors of 
 Popery. Is this inlblence to be borne, as long as 
 
 • EPIGRAM on (he fecond converfion of Father 
 J N F — >■ ys. 
 
 F — tz — — ns the Fiyar, left Rome 'n the lurch. 
 For want of I'lcfermcni, abjur'd his own church ; 
 Arid nov; by the Caftle, he a^s the fame part, 
 The lof; of a Mitie converted his heart : 
 At tlie Four Courts apain old John we fl'.ali itc, 
 la that place aloae, he's fure of kitfuc. 
 
 PfOtcf-J
 
 196 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Protedaatiliii u the eftabliflied religion ? — A fiiort 
 commenr, will prove the author's pernicious and 
 dangerous principles, beyond a pofllbiliiy of doubt. 
 
 " F ns the Fryar, left Rome in the lurch, 
 
 «' For want of preferment, ahjurd his own 
 church." 
 
 This is equally falfe and malicious : — Though he 
 ftudied at Sr. Oiner's he never took the habit, and I 
 am aiTured by his barber, that he has not the lead 
 fign of liiC tonjure ; nor do I believe that he ever 
 expeded, or folicited any ecclefiaftical preferment. 
 On his return to his native country, he read his 
 recantation from pure convidion, and merely for the 
 good of his foul, not from an;, wordly motive, or to 
 qualify himfclf for the bar. — The next two. lines are 
 alfo pregnant with falfehood and malignity. 
 
 *' And now hy the Caftle he a£ts the fame part, 
 «' The lofs of a Mitre converted his heart." 
 
 I fuppofe the author v/ou!J iiifinuate, that Mr. 
 
 Y ' ns, who fupported adminiftraiion lalt fefli- 
 
 ons, had changed fu'es, and turned patriot from 
 pique and difappointment. But the very idea of his 
 having done fo, becaufe he was refufed a mitre, is 
 abfurd and ridiculous ; for even if he had aflualiy 
 officiated as a fryar, that would not qualify him for 
 a Proteftant bifiiopricic, without a fecond ordination 
 in our church. {y\i}i. Lex Cnnanlra. page \\i.) Others 
 pretend to fay, that he did not afk. a mitre for him- 
 felf, but for his fon-in-law, Mr. Beresford : — even this 
 is a poor apology for the Epigrammatift. — Still there is 
 an evident folccifm in faying, that he lofi what he 
 tiii\^xpopjJt:d. Bcfidcs, the alTertion is groundlefs and 
 
 malignant;
 
 The B ATCHEL OR. 197 
 
 malignant ; Mr. F. never applied for a bidioprick 
 either for hinifelf, or any of his family ; he aded 
 on more difmierefted motives. I have heard him 
 pronounce fome fine long orations, with great zeal 
 and fervour, for, and againft Lord Townfhend's ad- 
 minillraiion ; yet I am firmly perfuaded he was equal- 
 ly fincere in both, and was always a<5tuated by the 
 fame honeft principles. 
 
 We cmne now to the lafl: two lines of this " in- 
 famous poetical performance." 
 
 " At the Four Courts again old John we fliati 
 
 fee, 
 '• In that place alone he's fure of his fee !" 
 
 This Is an impudent lye — for it is well known 
 that he never intends to enter the courts again in his 
 goTJun. He acquired a handfome fortune, and has 
 retired, to enjoy Qtium cum dignitate. He generouf- 
 Ijr gave up his extenfive bufinefs to encourage fuch 
 young lawyers as Scott, Yelverton, and Malone, 
 who could not get a fingle client vv^hile he continued 
 at the bar. The SatirilVs diabolical malice is too 
 obvious in the fifth line : it is evidently a pointed 
 
 fneer on Mr. F ns's Juppofed tergiverfation, 
 
 and an ungenerous infult and tiiumph, <^n his not 
 being rewaided by government according to his 
 merits. Perhaps he aUb aims a furcaftic fttoke at 
 the Iwwyers, by alluding to their cuftom of being 
 feed before they read their brief;, and recommend-' 
 in'3- the fame cullom to our poliiical orators : how- 
 ever, I only offer this as a meie conjedture, 
 
 I have juft been allured, that this fcnndalous epi- 
 gram was delivered to thcCounfeHor in ihe Hou'e of 
 K 5 Commons,
 
 ipS T]ie B A T C H R L O R. 
 
 Commons, with his e.':cellency L. Townfliencl's. 
 name on the back of the letter. Tli.it was adding, 
 the blackell forgery, to the motl audacious impu- 
 de:*.ce. This mode of conveyance was wickedly 
 
 intended to furprize Mr. F— n.'s at fir ft fight ■> 
 
 ns if fomc term.^ were offered from the Callle— 
 But the manner in which he received ;/, will always 
 do him honour; — his colour changed, his hands- 
 trembled, and he had fcarce Itrength enough to 
 break open the feal. ThJs coufufion, (notwithiland- 
 ing every iii'beral and invidious conftrudion,) folely 
 arofe from an honetl indignation againil a venal nii- 
 niftry, who (as he then thought) had affronted him, 
 by injurioudy fuppofing he could be tempted to 
 fvverve from the true intereft of his country, by a 
 bribe. His fubfequent behaviour proves the truth 
 of this cbrsrva,tion : on finding only an epigram, he 
 feemed agreeably difappointed, fixed on his fpe(Sta- 
 c!es J read it over feveral times before he tl-iorough- 
 ly underftood it » then put it in his pocket, and did 
 not expatiate on the grievance of the nation that 
 day. — —Now, sir, — and here s:r, I fhall con- 
 clude, with a fincere wifli that a royal proclamation 
 was iffued, offering a reward to difcover the author, 
 or authors, that he, or they, may be brought to con- 
 dign punifhment, and his Majefty's gracious pardon 
 promifed to any of the accomplices who fliall turn 
 Kings E'vidence. 
 
 I am, fir, yours, 
 
 Y MISO-EPIGRAMMATIST. 
 
 March &th, 177a. 
 
 N U M-
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 199 
 
 N U IM B E R XXXV. 
 
 Dss lihdli duplex ejl*. 
 
 IMITATED. 
 
 The Do£l:or's great at pen or pill, 
 
 Can feel vour pulfe, or draw your will. 
 
 To JEOFFRY WagSTAFFE, Efq. 
 
 I CAN no longer bear to fee my friend Do5lor 
 Lucas treated with fo much contempt and ridi- 
 cule by a fet of miniflerial hirelings, whofe names, 
 eonne^lions, and principles, the public fhall foon 
 be acquainted with i that the enemies of our righis 
 and liberties may be branded with infamy to future 
 ages. 
 
 The Do£lor's genius, morals, and learning, are 
 evident to every unprejudiced perfon ; yet it fhal! 
 be my bufinefs to elucidate fome pafiages of this 
 great man's life, which have been envioufly clouded 
 by the malevolence of his inveterate foes. — It has 
 been faid that he once drew a lady's will, whea 
 he attended her as a phyfician, and that fhe, out 
 of edeem for his (kill and humanity, bequeathed 
 him a conliderable legacy, in prejudice to her relati- 
 ons. Now, fir, if Blackftone had been acquainted 
 with this anecdote, he might eafily have adigned a 
 Jpicinl reafon, why phyficians ihould apply thcm- 
 felves to the ftudy of the law : here is a cai'e In point 
 * Contrary to our original deCgn, we have been induced to in- 
 Cwta fc.v papers on Dr. Luca-.'f political condaft aad chai'ai^er. 
 
 K 4 to
 
 ^oo The B A T C n E L O R. 
 
 to evince <hc ufefulnefs of it ; for I fuppofe the 
 Doftor inufl: have lolt his poflhunous fee, if he 
 had rot drawn iip her will with the (kill and addrefs 
 of a Notary Public. I hope the learned profeflor in 
 the next edition of his Commentaries, will improve 
 upon this hint, and alter the following palTage of his 
 iiilroduftory lecture. 
 
 " For the gentlemen of the faculty of phyfic, I 
 
 •♦ miirt frankly own that I fee no fj>£citd xQ^^on, why 
 
 *' lhe\- in particular fhould apply themfehes to the 
 
 " ftudy of the law, unlefs in common with other 
 
 *' gentlemen, and to complete the charafter of a ge- 
 
 *' neral and extenfive knowledge ; a charadter 
 
 *' which their profefTion, above others, has remark- 
 
 ♦' ablv deferved. They will give me leave however 
 
 '* to fuegeft, and that not ludicrcufly, that it might 
 
 " frequently be of ufe to families on fudden emer- 
 
 ** gencies, if \ht phyfcin ivere acquainted ivith the 
 
 ♦* doclrine of lajl luills and teflaments, at leaft fo 
 
 •• far as relates to the formal parts of their exe- 
 
 *' Ciuion." 
 
 It is the true charsfleriftic of genius to a£t by in- 
 tuition, and to pra(^tife peculiar arts before their 
 vfe is formal y proved, and recommended by the 
 labours of ordinary capacities. Thus Homer wrote 
 the Iliad, before Aiiftotle pnblilhed his Poetics; 
 and thus Dodtor Lucas drew up Mrs. Brown's lad 
 will and teftament, before Blackftoiie publifhed his 
 Commentaries. 
 
 This fhews our patriot's fi-.periority in a true 
 
 light, and fhould reccmmend him to all families 
 
 for I never heard that cUher Sir.uh, Quin, or 
 Barry, pretended to pradife law awd phyfic for the 
 
 good
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 2oi 
 
 good of their patients. For my part, I think the 
 preference is ftill due to a phyfician who can a(5t 
 occafjonally as a lawyer. On the fame principle 
 I employ a barber who underftands fomewhat of 
 furgery ; thefe iiberal arts are miuually conne<5led 
 with each o*^her, like Warburton's Alliance between 
 Church and State. 
 
 I could give other fpecimens of the Doflor's 
 knowledge of law; for it is well 'known when 
 Alderman King, unjuftly filed a bill againft him, to 
 recover a pretended debt for drugs, that the Do£lor 
 in his anfwer (written by himfelf) fpecifies feveral 
 articles he had received from the Aldeiman, and 
 moft ingenioufly and appofitely introduces Shake- 
 fpeare's celebrated defcription of a poor apothecary's 
 <hop, and delivers it on oarh as part of his anfwer. 
 The Alderman indeed pretends to have preferved 
 one of the Dodor's letters, wherein he acknowledges 
 the debt, and expreffes the utmoft gratitude for the 
 many favours received from his old mafter. This, 
 fir, muft be falfe ; I cannot believe that a firm old 
 patriot, who was never even offered place or penfion 
 by goveinment, cou'd be guilty of any bafenefs : 
 but fuppofing the Alderman fliould produce a coun- 
 terfeit letter, which may pafs in court for a genuine 
 one, yet furely every impartial man will rather cre- 
 dit the Dodtor's oath, than the uncertain evidence 
 of his hand-writing, efpecially as the letter in quef^ 
 tion appears to have been v/ritttn above tv.'enty years 
 ago. 
 
 I (liall now explain the true motives of the Doc- 
 tot's conduct on a tender point, for which he has 
 been moft cruelly and unjultly reproached. It 
 is aiiedged that he dehauchtd a friend's wife 
 K 5. who
 
 ■soa The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 who was Intruded to his care and protedion, when 
 the unhappy hufband's dirtrelFcd circiiniltances oblig- 
 ed him to abfcond. This, lir, is a heavy charge, 
 hut never was his virtue more confpicuous, nor did 
 he ever perform a more laudable aftion : this may 
 appear paradoxical, but I fhail prove my afTertion to 
 the convi£lion of kis bittercfl enemies. The Dodlor's 
 triendfhip for the rev. Mr. Muchett, induced him to 
 ufe every art to alleviate hl.^ diftrefs : he faw him 
 palTionately ford of his wife : the Do£torknew how 
 much this muft aggrevate his friend's misfortunes, 
 when he was obliged to fcperatc himfclf from the 
 woman he loved. There was no other alternative, 
 to cure him of that fondnefs, which only rendered 
 him more miferable. The Dodor juftly concluded, 
 that debauching her, was the moft effectual means 
 the wic of man could devife to accomplifl-i it. This 
 alfo, qualified his friend to apply for a devorce, and 
 get rid of a wife, which to a man of a ruined for- 
 tune, Is no trifling a*ivantage. Refledl for a moment, 
 on the Dodlor's elevated and fublime fentimenls of 
 friendfliip, which enabled him to bear the opprobri- 
 um of calumny and flander, for performing an aftion 
 which to fuperficlal obfervers, unacquainted with 
 the purity of his intentions, probably appeared as an 
 z6t of treachery and bafenefs. The cenfure of the 
 world, and his friend's enmity, were the Do(5k)r's- 
 only reward ;. for the ungrateful parfon could never 
 be perfuaded that the Dotlor meant to promote hia 
 intereft by making him a cuckold ! Nothing but a 
 good confcience, could have fupported the patriot 
 under this fiery tryal, but he Hill enjoy'd. 
 
 «' What nothing earthly gives or can deftroy, 
 ** The foul's calm funfliine and the heart-felt 
 
 A perfoa
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 203 
 
 A perfon of the Do£lor's renfibillty. mufl: have 
 fufFcMed exceedingly, and no cicuh he had many fe-^ 
 vere confilfts with himlVlf, before he could refolve 
 to forfeit a!! character :ind cunlidence aaiODg man- 
 kind, by fojiiing to a puch of elevated virtue, of 
 vhich there are fo few inftances in thefe degene- 
 rate days. F'or my part, I think he excells Marcss 
 Brutus, the one llabbed his friend co ferve his 
 country, and the other al'b ftabbed his friend in the 
 tenderefl pointy from the pnreft motives of friendfhip 
 and affection. To-^obviate ali objedtions, 1 niuft re- 
 mark, that our patriot's affairs at that time, rendered 
 him incapable of aiTiuiiig his friend with a fum of 
 money, and obliged tlie Dodor to ferve him by the 
 only means in his power. 
 
 I have thus, fir, throv»n together a few obfervatt- 
 ens on Doftor Lucas's morals and learning. His abi- 
 lities as an author, have been of'ten unjultly queftion- 
 ed. Grammatical inaccuracies are but trifies, be- 
 neath the attention of a genius. Vulgar critics 
 cannot relifh that figurative ftyle v/hich diilinguiflies 
 his writings. For inflance, in his late letter to the 
 Lord IVlayor and Common Council, he calls our 
 new canal, the gx^zi fource of wealth and opulence 
 to this city in particular, and the whole kingdom. 
 You may fneeringly lay, that this famous navlgati-^ 
 on is tl^e fcurce of nothing but water; and trium- 
 phantly expatiate on the Doftor's abfurdity j yet 
 certainly he only meant to fay, that when the canal 
 was fiiiifhed, it would be the fource of affluence and 
 &c. But by a beautiful and exprefHve figure ia 
 oratory, he fuppofes futurity actually prefent, and 
 thus conveys his fentimenis with double fjrce and 
 energy. 
 
 This,
 
 204 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 This, Mr. WagftafFe, ts the verhum ardem^ the 
 glowing exprefllon in which the Doctor's writings 
 abound, and proves the faifity of a farcaftic epitaph 
 which fays, " That he never compofed a fingle fen- 
 t' tence worthy of remembrance." 
 
 I know the fjppofed author intends to have It 
 engraved on tlie Do<Stor's tomb, but I hope the 
 board of Aldermen will prevent his malice. Befides, 
 fir, that epiiaph was written by a certain Birtiop, 
 though it has been publickly avowed by a mean 
 illiterate mechanic, who was never capable of 
 compofing a fr^gie line of it. Is it probable that 
 he fliould be the author of a pijce, that difplays fo 
 much fententious gravity, concifenefs, and bitter 
 fatire : and in the concluding verfes, that poignant 
 wit and contemptuous ridicule, which even obliges 
 me and the reft of the Dodlor's friends, both to 
 admire and deleft it ! 
 
 I am, fir, yours, &c. 
 •i" DIOGENES. 
 
 V. S. If you are candid enough to infert tbis^you 
 fhall foon hear further from me. 
 
 K U M^
 
 The.B ATCHEL OR. 205 
 
 NUMBER XXXVI. 
 
 ■ Pudet hcec opprohia nohisy 
 Et did potuijje., l^ non potuijje refelli. 
 
 Ta C H A R L E S L U C A S, E/y. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 IN a former EiTay, I attempted to vindicate your 
 private charadter from the bale afperfions of mi- 
 nifterial hirelings. — Your friend Diogenes, again 
 thinks himfelf called upon, by a fpuiious produflion, 
 entitled, " An extract of a letter from Dodor Lucas, 
 " member for the city of Dublin, to Mr. Alderman 
 •' Oliver" You, fir, have not puMickly difavowed 
 it: that convinces me of your iinocence. You 
 have already favoured the public v. uii fo many fpe- 
 cimens ot your candour and love of truth, that they 
 can never efteem you the author of fuch falfe, mean, 
 
 and malicious infinuations : Coiilcious of your 
 
 ov/n Integr'ty ftnd innocence, you generoufly con- 
 fide in ';i j fentiments of your fellow citizens, and 
 like the great Scipio, difdain to anlwer your accu- 
 fers. 
 
 Your public conduf^, fir, has been uniform and 
 confillent : a Roman v.eal for liberty, always glov/- 
 ed in your breaft. The fn vour and turbulence of 
 the paffions, (ever infeparable from geniu:) have 
 long fubiii'ed, and v,e row fee and admire in you, the 
 mildnefs, gravity, and wifdom of old age. If I was 
 
 aot
 
 2o6 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 not apprehend ve of trefp.ifling on your inodefty by a 
 eonipliment, I v/ould compare yoii to a cafk of water 
 at fca, that puigcs, feniientii, and then becomes 
 fwt;et and drinkable. 
 
 A letter to Mr. Oliver, which libel's our Cliief 
 Govenio-, and »he reprefentatives of t!ie people, 
 could never sriginate from you. — Your panegyric in 
 the Freeman, m\ Lord Hertford, to whom you were 
 princiouliy inuebtca for Miat noli pro''tqt'.i, which re- 
 flon'cl you to you' friends and country, is an incon- 
 teliible proof of vour gratitude and morals. The 
 letter in queftion, fir, betrays no mark of your pen. 
 The difingenuous author, is neither mailer of that 
 precifion in argument, nor of that clear, nervoug 
 ftyle, whicii authenticates your wriiings. To blend 
 truth with falfehood, and by low cunning, and mean 
 fophiilry, to impofe on an ignorant and fuperficial 
 reader, are petty-fogging qualities which you dif- 
 dniii : — ^ — Like a man of parts, you defpife thera, 
 as infallible criterions of a wenk head and a bad 
 I>eart. A dunce may become eminent in this way, 
 as a bungling mechanic often turns out a mull inge- 
 nious pick-pocket 
 
 Let U3 noWifirjexamiiTe thofe alTertions, which are 
 obtruded on the public as fads, under the lanftion of 
 your refpedable name. — Every man of fenle, every 
 impartial man, is convinced, that the meafures pur- 
 fued during Lord Townflie.nd'o adminiftration, were 
 formed on a mod liberal plan, and ju.dicioufly calcu- 
 lated to promote the real intereft of this kingdom. 
 His Excellency has enemies — but who are they } — 
 many of our former Chief Governors, v.'ho confider 
 his difinterefted conduQ as a refledion on them- 
 felv.es.— Many of our late g^enerals on the ftaif, who 
 
 are
 
 The BAT CHE LOR. 207 
 
 are mortified, by feeing soldiers fubftituted I'a 
 their room. — Many of thofe Englifh patriots, who 
 would faciifice the ftaple manufacture of this king- 
 dom, to encourage Scotch linen, or Mant:hefter 
 checks. Is it extraordirvary, then, that nn Iri/h 
 Houfe of Commons rtiould compliment his ExcelleBcy 
 in the ufual manner? But the proteft — and proroga- 
 tion, are not to be afcribed to him, but to an arifto- 
 Cratic fadtion who rendered that meafure indefpen- 
 iible, even in the opinion of the patriotic Lord 
 Cambden. — The vates of the Houfe, are fadts re- 
 corded on their journals J — it is beneath the dignity 
 of the Commons to allign a reafon for their proceed- 
 ings : furely it is impolitic to do fo, when ft renders 
 their right of rejeding queilionable, which other- 
 wife could not be contelled. 
 
 « The diftrafted ftate of the kmgdom," %s thfs 
 candid writer, " is hardly to be defcribed ; fince 
 " the prorogation of parliament, when the Money- 
 «< Bills only were paffed, on the 27th of December,. 
 " 1769, trade, manufaflures, and public credit de- 
 ** cayed, and at length expired." I nmft candidly 
 acknowledge, that I do not underftand what is 
 meant by the '< diftrafted ftate of the kingdom." 
 The firft tumultuous rifings of the O.ik and White 
 Boys, in the year 1760- weie afcribed, with fome 
 degree of truth, to the opprefllon of their patriotic 
 landlords. Whenever the name of the prefent 
 Chief Governor has been mentioned by thefe wret- 
 ches, it was to estoll his lenity, not to complain of 
 his rigour. 
 
 The Defter would never affume the ftale, naufe- 
 Gus cant of the Freeman, by afcribing every national 
 calamity to the prorogation. The American aflbci- 
 
 ations.
 
 2o8 I'he BATCH ELOR. 
 
 ations, which injured our linen manufafture— Our 
 large importation of corn, which has drained us of 
 our circulating fpccie — The increafed number of 
 our abfentees — The idlenefs, and illegal combinati- 
 ons of our tradefmen The extravagance, and 
 
 frauds of many, who call theinfelves merchants. — 
 Thefe are the true caufes of the late decay of trade 
 and credit. 
 
 The falfity and abfurdity of the whole paragraph, 
 is a demonftration that Do£lor Lucas never v.'rote it. 
 His deep and accurate knowledge in the trade, reve- 
 nue, and ma nu failures of this country, has rendered 
 bim as famous for political calculations, as Sir Willi- 
 am Petty, or D'Avenaiu : I refer any ytf/z/r/?/ read- 
 er to the Doctor's work^ pajp.m : even the phrafeo- 
 logy, may convine every perfon of tafte, that the 
 whole letter is a grofs impofitioii on the public. To 
 fay that manufadlures decayed, and at length expir- 
 ed, is in the ft) le of Doctor Rowley, or Dodor 
 Solomon, but who can fu.pe£t Doclor Lucas for 
 fuch a folecifm ?' 
 
 " Our fcrects are fwarming with manufaflurers, 
 *' reduced to iulenefs and beggary. Thefe have 
 ♦• fomelinies crowded to beg about the Caflle ; but 
 " infteaJ of relief, were rcpuKed by military force. '^ 
 That many of our manufaftuiers are reduced to beg- 
 gary, by their I'.^lencfs and ui unkennels, is a fadt. 
 The Dw^t.-jr has often hanaagued the icveral corpo- 
 rations, and given th;m excellent advice on this fub- 
 jeTr, v^ their refpeclive halls. ^ — "At has adjured the 
 Taylors, Bricklayers, and Smihs, in the mofl- pathe- 
 tic manne:, to mind their bi finefs, and give up the 
 pernicious cuftoni of fpendiig their lime in drinking 
 whifkey, and talking politicks : but his labor has 
 
 beea
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 209 
 
 been in 'vane, and he laments moft bitterly, that the 
 weavers alone have profited by his fage councils. 
 He knows very well, that the manufafturers never 
 crowded about the Caftle to beg, and were never 
 repulled by military force. When the Marquifs of Kil- 
 dare prefented an important anonymous paper in 
 their name, (which added great weight and etScacy 
 to the city addrefs) their behaviour was dutiful 
 and fuhmilfive. The Doflor often talks wMth plea- 
 fure of the extraordinary number of the niititary who 
 were that day aflembled by the Lord Mayor, to be 
 witnefTes of the fober and refpedtful demeanour of 
 the agg-egate body. 
 
 The account of the riot at the Parliament Houfe, 
 is told with an equal degree of candour and ve- 
 racity. Doctor Lucas heard both the Lord Mayor and 
 Sheriffs declare, that they were repeatedly afked by 
 his Excellency, " Whether the riot could not be fup- 
 " prefTed, and the police of the city maintained, by 
 •• a due exertion of the civil power.'"' On their 
 anfwering in the negative, he gave orders to the 
 commander in chief, to furnifh thofe magiftrates 
 with any number of troops they might think ne- 
 ceflary. The Doftor would never have omitted 
 this very material circumftance, fo much to his 
 Excellency's honour. 
 
 " You are told," fays the letter-writer, " that 
 ^ the Lord Chancellor applied to the Lord Lieute- 
 ♦' nant for military aid upon occafion of this riot. 
 *' Be afTured this report was falfe ; that great and 
 " good man was indeed requefted to do fo, by cer- 
 <« tain court lords, but their application was reje(5te<I 
 " with contempt." — Nothing evinces the neceflity 
 of calling in the aid of the military, more than the 
 
 Lord
 
 2IO The B ATCH ELOR. 
 
 Lord Chancellor's application, which was previous 
 to the city magiftrate's. The firmnefs and mode- 
 ration of that great and good man, is equally admi- 
 red and applauded by both parties ; and he has been 
 frequently honoured with the M'^rcath, for his public 
 fpitit. 
 
 « When that great patriot, Mr. F d, had fi- 
 
 *' nifhed the moll eloquent, the moft perfuafiveand 
 ** convincing, the mod unanfwerable oration." — 
 The Prime Serjt-ant analyfed it, reduced it to a few 
 clear and diftind. points, and iTrewcd how ingenioufly 
 
 Mr. F d had declaimed on the original form of 
 
 the conftitution, for two hours and a half, v/ithout 
 fpeaking ten minutes to the qucftion. It has been 
 obferved by Ikilfnl anatomills, that the heads of the 
 largeft animals are furiiifiied with very little brains : 
 accordingly, on Mr. H — tch — nfon's dlfTet^tlng this 
 monftrous tumour of eloquence, it appeared to con- 
 tain no more matter, than might probably be found 
 In the Pia Mater of the large-headed councellor 
 
 R- -d M s. Here, I am fure, Do£lor Lucas^ 
 
 would agree with me, as he has particular reafons to 
 remember the Prime Serjeant's wit and eloquence oa 
 a former occafioa. 
 
 ** The late Speaker, we are told, difdained to 
 *• hold the moft honourable and lucrative chair in 
 ** the kingdom, upon the terms of prefenting adula- 
 ** tory addrefles, contrary to the fenfe of the nation, 
 ** and of all good and free-men, to the Governor 
 *♦ that abufed the parliament, and indeed the pco- 
 '< pie." — The public are fufficiently acquainted with 
 Mr. P.'s delicate and nice feelings : however, I 
 honour him for refigning the chair ; it was of eflen- 
 lial fervice to his country, and therefore unexpeded 
 
 from
 
 The B A T CHELOR. 211 
 
 from him. By dropping party nnd politics, lie may 
 do feme good ; as an ignorant quack can only 
 ferve the public, by quitting the pradtice of phy- 
 fic. 
 
 I think it would be fuperfiuous to comment any 
 longer on fo contemptible an author. In one place 
 he fays, " that feveraJ of the Commons declined 
 *' to vote or fpeak, while the members appeared 
 <» to be in dureffe, and the Houfe furrounded by an 
 <* armed force." Surely, fome profligate mercenary 
 has forged this letter, to cafi: an odium on the vene- 
 rable Do£tor — It is cruel thus to perfecute him 
 with unremitting feverity. 
 
 I venerate his wifdom ; I refpctSt his grey hairs. 
 It has been invidioufly faid that he refcmbles a fly, 
 which is moft troub'efome at the latter end of the 
 feafon, when it grows weak and blind : The injuftice 
 and malignity of this farcafm, I now fubmit to the 
 impartial public. 
 
 Y DIOGENES. 
 
 Maji Qlh, 1 771. 
 
 J^ U M-
 
 212 The B A TC II EL OR. 
 
 NUMBER XXXVII. 
 
 Verses to the Memory of Lady TOWNSHEND. 
 
 A GRATEFUL mufe, that fcorns all flalter- 
 I'ng art, 
 Shall pour the feeling tribute of her heart ; 
 A public lofs in plaintive ftiains (hall mourn, 
 And weep like Nugent, o'er that facred urn*. 
 M^hofe tender lines in foftell cadence flow, 
 And nieit each heart v.ith f)'mpathetic woe ; 
 Whofe moral drain, and polifhed numbers tend 
 To heal the anguifh of ais forrowing friend. 
 But what can footh his woe, or bring relief, 
 When even her virtues add new pangs to grief! 
 Ah who can paint that grief, or tell his pain, 
 When fond refle£t;on fhews er^ch tender fcene, 
 Each tender fcene of Tweet domeftic life, 
 Which once endear'd the mother, and the wife. 
 Even now his Charlotte to his weeping eyes, 
 In all her native graces feems to rife. 
 Such winning graces, love alone could yield 
 To welcome Townfnend from the hoftile field. ' 
 Oi't for his fake, fhe felt the throbbing fear, 
 Heav'd the foft figh, and dropt the tender tear; 
 His prefence bid fufpenie and terror ceafe, 
 And footh'd her foul to happinefs and peace. 
 Joyful fhe flew in finiles and fweetnefs drett, 
 And clafp'd her foldier to a failhi'ul breaft. 
 
 * The verfes alluded to, were written by Lord Clare, and 
 are inl'e.'tcd at the end of this Poem, 
 
 Calm
 
 The B A TC HE LOR. 213 
 
 Calm and ferene for every virtue known, 
 Amidft all pomp, her gentle manners ("hone, 
 The emerald thus in brilliant luftre leen, 
 Scill looks more plealin^i; by its vivid green. 
 
 ■ Unmov'd, (he never heard the poor complam 
 
 Diftrefs and merit never fued in vain ; 
 
 Whilft modeft want by fecret bounty fed, 
 
 Oft blefs'd her hand th^t ga've the daily bread. 
 
 In va'a our tears — What can the lofs repair, 
 
 Or who fupply a tender mother's care ?■ 
 
 For flie was vers'd in every noble art. 
 
 That mcu'ds the genius, and improves the heart. 
 
 Unus'd to kill and trifle time away, 
 
 In taile refin'd, (he pafa'd the ftudious day. 
 
 At fo7;ie dread hour, DeaUi points his fcorpion 
 ftings. 
 And riches — ftate — appear delufive things ; 
 Thofe dazzling toys which oft corrupt the heart, 
 But add new pangs, when foul and body part. 
 Then Confcicnce rous'd bids every horror rife. 
 And wit, and v>'ifdom drop their vain dlfguife ; 
 The frailty then of every heart is try'd, 
 No more pufF'd up with philofophic pride : 
 Virtue and faith alone can boaft a power, 
 To chear the languor of that difmal hour ; ' 
 Thro' the dark gloom, they dart a cheating lav. 
 And ope a profpeft of celeftlal day, 
 Aided by them in peace flie yields her breath. 
 And unapallVl now meets the frown of death. 
 . In that deep figh, for ever — ever ends, 
 The fweet companion and the beft of friends. 
 
 Alas ! what words or numbers can I find. 
 To paint the anguifli of a hufband's mind j 
 
 What
 
 214 The B ATCHELOR. 
 
 What lenient balm to eafe his pain employ, 
 When fad reflection biiters every joy ! 
 Ev'n when ihofe Infants meet his fond embrace, 
 He fees their mother, in each fniiling face ; 
 And mufic's chamis no fweet obh'vion brings, 
 He fees his Charlotte touch the trembling 
 
 ihings, 
 Whofe foothing notes could all his cares remove, 
 And make him blell with harmony and love. 
 
 Y 
 
 To the Memory of Lady Townshend ; 
 
 By Lord Clare. 
 
 WITH dov/ncaft look and pitying eye, 
 Unarmed, the king of terrors llood j 
 He laid his fting and terrors by, 
 
 Averfe to ftrike the fair and good. 
 
 When thus an angel urg'd the blow- 
 No more thy lifted hand fufpend. 
 
 To confcious guilt a dreaded foe, 
 To Innocence a welcome friend. 
 
 Bright hbfts of cherubs round her Hand j 
 
 To her and me confelled alone ; 
 Each waving his celeilial hand. 
 
 And pointing to the eternal throne. 
 
 The angel fpoke — No hulband dear. 
 Nor children lov'd, a mournful train, 
 
 Could from her eye altra£l one tear. 
 Nor bend one thought to earth again. 
 
 The foul impatient of delay. 
 
 No more could mortal fetters bind ; 
 
 But fprlnging to the realms of d'S.y, 
 Leaves every human care behiad. 
 
 Yet
 
 The B A T CHELOR. 21. 
 
 Yet fhall an infant Daughter's claim, 
 
 Demand from heaven thy guardian care ; 
 
 Protect that lovefy he!p!efs frame, 
 
 And guard that breaft you formed fo fair. 
 
 A parent's lofs, unknown, unwept, 
 Heedlefs, the fatal hour flie pafs'd ; 
 
 Or, only thought, her mother flept j 
 
 Nor knew how long that fleep mull: laft. 
 
 When time, the unfolding mind difplays, 
 
 May fhe by thy example led, 
 Fly from that motley giddy maze. 
 
 Which youth and guilt or folly tread ! 
 
 Thefe never knew the guiding hand. 
 Which leads to virtue's arduous way; 
 
 Mothers now join the vagrant band, 
 And teach their children how to dray, 
 
 Her's, fhall the pious taflc engage, 
 
 Such once was thine, with lenient aid, 
 
 A father's forrows to afluage 
 His love with equal love repaid. 
 
 So Ihall fhe read v/ith ardent eye. 
 This lelFon thy lail moments give. 
 
 They, who like thee would fearlefs die, 
 Spotlefs like thee, muil learn to live. 
 
 N U M-
 
 2i6 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 NUMBER XXXVIII. 
 
 Continuo audita vocos, vogitus i^ ingens 
 Infantum, 
 
 ViRG. 
 
 To the B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Mr. Wagstaffe, 
 
 THIS Is to let you know, that I am a woman, 
 that keeps the big houfe in College-Green, 
 for rearing and dry-nurfing ill-thriven, ricketty chil- 
 elren, that is fent to me by their parents or friends. 
 Upon my confcience now it would move the heart 
 of a Turk, to fee how my poor head is moidered 
 ■with the noife and racket they make. But to be 
 fure now, it's comikal enough to think v.-hat ftrange 
 thing's will fometimes come into children's heads, for 
 would you believe it they have got a play among'em, 
 that they call the hunting the geefe in the goofe pye. 
 Now the way they play it is this. They put the 
 biggeft chiW in the houfe in ray big flraw chair in 
 the middle of the room ; they call him the gander, 
 and they all ftrive to cackle about him like geefe. 
 The voung chaps that can't fpeak p'ain, and only 
 fdy yes or w, they caWgoJlings. 
 
 Now the noif/efl child in my whole houfe, at this 
 play, is little Phlogy. If any of his playfellows 
 vexes him, and does'nt let him have his own way, 
 he whines, and whimpers, and fqualls as if he was 
 
 kilt.
 
 The B ATCHELOR. 217 
 
 kilt. To be fure the creter's a great objed with the 
 rickets, aud I'm afraid he'l never come to good ; 
 and tor all that the brat's always a climbing, and 
 gets many a tall by it, that makes him cry as if his 
 little heart wou'd break. Well to be fure there's 
 another boy that's as comikal as he, that's Tacky 
 Blubber. I belive all the world would never get 
 him to learn his horn book, and yet becaufe he's a 
 likely child and come of good people, they nioft 
 commonly make him the gander, and put him in 
 the middle. I'm afraid my poor chair won't laft 
 long among'em for Jack does not know how to fit 
 quiet in it, and when any of the boys wants to puU 
 him out of it, he tears out a handful of the ftraw 
 and offers it to them, by way of giving them a fhare. 
 He has another trick to coax the little gentry, ^He 
 will take cdkes and gingerbread out of his poc%t, 
 and promife them a bite, and juft as they have it at 
 their mouth, he fnatches it back and eats it hiinfelf^ 
 for Jacky's a great glutton. 
 
 It wou'd take up all day to tell you of all the 
 little rogueifh tricks thefe children play in the game 
 of the goofe-pye. But there's one more I can't 
 help telling you of, and that's one of them that's 
 the cittejl child among'm, at building card-houfes. 
 They once turned him out of the play, becaufe he 
 wanted to make them believe that they was built 
 fo llrong, that a putF of wind woud'nt blow'em 
 down. But now he's as great as ever with'em, for 
 he's very diverting, by making the piQure cards all 
 march like foldiers. 
 
 But, dear Mr. WagftafF, I'm not come to my bu- 
 
 finefs yet. The hardeft ta(k of all on me is this, to 
 
 get thefe unlucky children ever to go to reft. Jacky 
 
 L to
 
 2i8 The BAT C H E L O R. 
 
 to be fure is the ringleader, but Phlogy makes more 
 noife than any of 'em. T made thiii fong for him, 
 and the little creter is fo happy with it, that I can't 
 get him to go fleep without finging it to him. 
 Now what I want is tor you to put it in your paper, 
 as it may be of ufe for other nurfes that is plagued 
 with crofs fickly children. 
 
 Being all at prefent from, 
 
 Sir, your honour's humble fervant, 
 
 MARY the NURSE. 
 
 A NEW SONG on Dodor Lucas. Air, 
 Hey ! my Kitten, a Kitten, &c. 
 
 WHAT did my Phlogy, my Phlogy, 
 And what did my Phlogy wanty j 
 Tell why did It whimper and fret, 
 
 Or what made it fcold and canty .'' 
 Did my pet want a militia. 
 
 And did it want it my deary .'' 
 Kifs its own mammy, my honey 
 , And you (hall get one next yeary. 
 
 Diddiily, Diddidy, Diddidy, &c. 
 
 If it will (land all aloncy. 
 
 Honey (hall have its wifliing : 
 Come walk by the (lools my cherub. 
 
 And you fliall get a comuiillion. 
 Get ye gone, foldiery, foldiery, 
 
 Does their bloody coats fright ye ? 
 Begone naughty fellows, I (ay. 
 
 Or I'll call Pompey to bite ye. 
 
 Diddidy, &c. 
 
 And
 
 The B ATC HELOR. 219 
 
 And does it Aide down on the banifters, 
 
 Does it Aide down my deary ? 
 Ah, Phlogy you muftn't be clar.bing, 
 
 V/ithout your mammy is neary. 
 Here go to the toy-{hop,ye huffey, 
 
 And buy a cock-horle for a poney ; 
 Come leave off your crying my (picey, 
 
 My precious (hall ride all aloney. 
 
 Dlddidy, .SiC. 
 
 My child knows nothing of Blakeney, 
 
 Nor what is become of his money : 
 Fie, tatling VVagftaff", I wonder, 
 
 You iTudy to vex my honey. 
 Yes, yes, if my babe does not cry, 
 
 He Ihall have fugar and jelly ; 
 And mammy will buy a fine book, 
 
 And learn her own pet to spelly, 
 
 DiitJidy, S:C. 
 
 For jewel a coral I'll buy, 
 
 Befides its little Doll Doi'sey ; 
 And wonderful horns as e'er. 
 
 Were in the Parliament hou fey. 
 A paw paw aldermen, aldermen, 
 
 Did it mifs fippend my deary ? 
 Get it fome puppy, fome pappy. 
 
 My own little Phlogy to cheary. 
 
 DUMdy, &'C> 
 
 And O ! my Phlogy, my Phlogy, 
 
 And O ! my gay little Phlogy ; 
 Blefs lis fine limbs a/id odd eye,. 
 
 Was there e'^r (0 conxing a ro"L!ev ? 
 
 L I Get
 
 220 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Get ye g<i*ic Townfey, Town fey, 
 Hovv could you vex pretty Phlogy? 
 
 Give me a hand and I'll i.eai it. 
 
 Did he> my pet fy, proroguey ? 
 
 DidJidjy &C 
 
 O ! my cheruh, my cherub. 
 
 And O ! my cherub and lifey ; 
 Leave off your fqualiing my jewel, 
 
 And you fhall have a witey. 
 You fliall have viper in broth, 
 
 Ej;g3 and falop and clary j 
 Then liufho by-baby, bv-baby. 
 
 Lie clofe to your own dear JVIary. 
 
 Diddidy, &C. 
 
 NUMBER XXXIX. 
 
 An Epistle to R— B—RT J— PK— N, Efq. 
 
 J— PH — N, had I your wit and fportive vein, 
 To gild my lays, and dignity my drain ; 
 Porih'd and keen my eaiy verle might fhine. 
 And plealing ridicule fhoulJ grace each line. 
 My trembling mufe, a faint rclemblance draws. 
 But drives to fing, and pants for your applaufe. 
 What lluff from Baraiaria late was feen. 
 Which fiH'o lethargic citizens with fpleen ; 
 Who o'er their cups with rapture often fwore, 
 
 The author v/rote as Lucas wrote before .' 
 
 Shall fuch abufe, like wit and fatire hurt, 
 Whofe higheft vaunt's to daub and fmear with dirt. 
 Then may goofe dung for 'vl'vid lightning pafs, 
 As we all luiow— ;V burns and withers grafs. 
 
 Swiftf
 
 The BATCHELOR. 221 
 
 Sivift, with fuch ftrength his Tory papers 
 writ. 
 That even Whigs admir'd his manly wll ; 
 For if in authors, lenfe with fancv join. 
 To throw a luftre o'er each fterling line, 
 Fleas'd we applaud, tho' different be our plan, 
 And praife the writer, when we blame the man : 
 But loath the fool, who (landers vile can raife'. 
 And a bad heart, with a weak head dilplays. 
 Thet rumpet thus, will make th£ courfer bound, 
 And joy delighted at the martial found j 
 But fee h'm droop, and rtare with wild amaze, 
 Start at an' afs, and tremble when he brays. 
 
 Let blund'rin^ Lucas Itill harangue the mob. 
 
 Declaim with rage, and always cry a foB T 
 
 See the (launch vet'ran gaz'd at by the croud, 
 For being fliamelefs, petulant, and loud j 
 Whom mobs have rais'd, and rear'd to fcandaL's 
 
 throne. 
 For (hewing parts congenial to their own j. 
 Zealous and prone his betters to abufe, 
 And rage, fedition, in each bread: infufe, 
 To court each worthlefs tribe with fawning 
 
 arts, 
 A-nd fwell the pride and venom of their hearts : 
 So have I feen a fportive boy, with (kill. 
 At frog's poUeriors ply a (lender quill, 
 l.oathfome at firft, flill more deform'd it grows. 
 Each livid fpoc expanded as he blows. 
 Contempt and fcorn, fuch zealots beft reftraiu; 
 Exile and pillories will make them vain. 
 
 See taylors, coblers, (hoeboys, all confpire, 
 To helch his piail'e, and l\upidly adnure, 
 
 L 3 The
 
 222 The BATCHELQR. 
 
 The orator, who tells his patriot cares, 
 
 To keep iherii fafe from Aldermen and 
 
 Mny^rs ; 
 Reduce the troops, to conflant riot bret). 
 And plant a brwue militia in their (lead : 
 Then by analogy he fhews ihjir ufe, 
 *' Since for tiie goflings fights each valiant 
 
 " goofe ; 
 ** A fpruce militia fure would lofe their lives 
 ♦' To fave their chlldKn or their dearer 
 
 or freedom, liberty, and rights he talks, 
 Afid in iliiT, heavy declaniarion italks : 
 
 The factious tribune, what he has affords 
 
 Ideas none, he only gingles words. 
 To ideois, thus, the ufe of gold appears 
 Solely to chink, and pleafe their fenfelefs ears : 
 S >norous nothings in a ponipous ftrain, 
 Sei^e ev'y ear, and madilcn ev'.ry bfain: 
 His bomball eloquence, the audience fuits, 
 For noife and no.ifenfe govern mobs and hr"tesy 
 When fenie or mufic wou'd difguft their taftes j 
 —This proves the fympathy 'tween them and 
 
 bcaf^s : 
 With well chofe orat'ry fo Litcas bawls, 
 And finds his friends obedient to his cails : 
 A Burke on fuch, would only wafte his time, 
 And fpeak in vain, altho' he (^oVt—fuhlime. 
 So Darby* fv.-ains can lead the UlVning hogs, 
 To the hoaife no'es each briftly niontler jogs ; 
 A bottle rumbled in a bowl with (kill, 
 The/rf« born (wine will follow where ibey will: 
 
 * It is a cuflom in Derbyjhire to call the fwine toge- 
 ther, by rumbliog a bottle in a bov. 1. 
 
 Tho'
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 223 
 
 Tho' Hayes might long a Hatidd"?, drains apply 
 Unheard, unheeded, by the groveling ftye. 
 
 Next in the fenate hear old Lucas babble, 
 
 And talk as it he ftill addrels'd the rabble ; 
 
 Loquacious, bold, he fcarcely feels a /'//, 
 And- only fiuarts by Hutchifan^ keen wit ; 
 Dirtinft and clear, whofe periods roll along 
 Vv ith fancy bright, in reafon ever ftrong : 
 Contempt and laughter, fenfe can ne'er refliore ; 
 For Lucas pours out nonfenfe as before. 
 A cabin cur thus kicks, and ladies feels, 
 That fnaps and barks at ev'ry horfe's heels ;, 
 His nature fuch, the punifliment's in vain. 
 For the next travelPr finds — he'll bail again. 
 By his [age care has Grub Street Journal rofe. 
 His ftyie and manner ev'ry writer ihews ; 
 Such are the men who grumble from the prefs,. 
 VFho talk of wrongs, and bellow for redrefs : 
 With fcandals mean, a foldicr's name purfue. 
 And blame the 'w/'u/?, but for the faults of few. 
 
 Lately, indeed, you priz'd each valiant band. 
 When Gallia' z pow'r 'fpread terror o'er your 
 
 land ; 
 Humbled by fear, a red coat then could charm, 
 By danger taught, you blefb'd a foldier's arm. 
 Which Britain's, glory fpread o'er ev'ry coall, 
 And gave her empire — more than Roine could- 
 
 boaft. 
 A {landing army, now is all the cry, 
 And ev'ry blockhead frights — he knows not- 
 
 why ; 
 A turkey cock thus fhakes his brainlefs head. 
 And jabbers loud at any rag that's red. 
 
 L A Let
 
 224 'I'he B A T C II E L O R. 
 
 Let J — PH — N fpeak, in truths Iiilloric read> 
 (His pen alone the callous boobies dread) 
 And paint the foldiers virtue, in that hour 
 When freedom gafp'd beneath a tyrant's pow'r : 
 "James ftrove to bend an anny to his will, 
 But found that Britijh troops — were Britonj 
 
 Who lov'd their country, priz'd her glorious 
 
 laus. 
 And fcornM to combat in a tyrant's caufe : 
 Their joyous * fhouts lliuck timid yc/ww with 
 
 awe, 
 His army g.ive us Freedom and Najj'uu. 
 
 Exulting now. we tune the grateful lay, 
 For rights rettor'd beneath a foldier's fway. 
 Gur king a viceroy' chofe, w^ell known to fame, 
 (Even Ir.di 'K wilds have heaid a Tuvunjhend'i 
 
 n.uritf) 
 Propi'.ious here to rule this favour'd ifle, 
 Bid faction ceafe, and make Hihernud fmile : 
 bo Roman confuls from their country far 
 Shone bright in arms, and fpread dcftruftlve 
 
 war ; 
 Qy conqnefl crown'd, they bid barfh difcord 
 
 ceafe, 
 And blefs'd the Forum with the arts of peace ; 
 Enacted lav/s thai grievances redreft. 
 And liv'd, like Townshend, in each grateful 
 
 breall. Y 
 
 ♦ On the acquittal of the biftiops, 
 
 VERSES
 
 The BAT CHE L OR. 225 
 
 VERSES Jefi^ned as an Inscription for 
 Dodor L U C A S 's Statue. 
 
 Petra Immobilior. 
 
 SEE Lucas he-^e in marble (lands, 
 A patriot firm and true ! 
 fn aflion giaceful fpreads his hands, 
 Expoled to public view. 
 
 We'll have a god, Fanatics fald, 
 
 To fight in our behalf: 
 —So Van Nn/i Lucas' ftatue made, 
 
 As Aaron made a calf. 
 
 Wagstaffe, lay down your critic rod> 
 
 Adore like us, and wonder, 
 And don't, il/ce M'ofes, break our god. 
 
 In pieces fmall, afunder. 
 
 Around this ftatue, mobs fliall roar,. 
 
 And loud their Lucas hail, 
 He like a p?per kite fliall foar, 
 
 With ragweed at its tail. "W 
 
 N u m
 
 Ci6 
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 NUMBER XL. 
 
 B R O G H I L L 
 
 Answ er 
 
 S I N D E R C O M B E. 
 
 YOUR letter gave me fome fatisfadion — 
 not that I admit the authenticity of your 
 fa£ls, or admire the foice of your arguments, not 
 that I think the public will be better enabled to 
 judge of the meafures of government, by the 
 communication of your fentiments, or that the 
 Lord Lieutenant will be reformed by the fevericy 
 of your animavlveriions : — but as a well-wlfher to 
 the perfon and adminiftralion of his excellency, I 
 am pleafed to find that a writer of no defpicahle 
 talents, is obliged to refort for the materials of in- 
 ventive, to the ftale relufe of news- paper anec- 
 dotes, and the exploded calumnies of vulgar de- 
 traction. You have colIe(5ted the remnaDts of both, 
 v/ith a malicious induftry, and tricked them cut in 
 jiU the tinfil of antithefis, and the fecond-hand 
 frippery of imitated periods. You have kept a 
 reverend eye upon that great Homer of defamati- 
 on, Junius, and like your mafter have created a 
 nionfter of your own imagination, in order to fliew 
 liow jngenioufly you can rail .it it. 
 
 There
 
 The BATCH-EL OR. 227 
 
 There is fomething very Inconfiftent in the advice 
 with which you begin your lelier, that Lord 
 Tov/nfhend fhould think it luorth his tvhile (your 
 own elegant expreflion) to deliver down unimpaired 
 to pofterity, a name dillinguifhed by the virtue of 
 his anceftors, when at the fame time, you dO' 
 every thing to prevent the benefit of your own 
 admonition, at once throwing dirt upon his repu- 
 tation, and warning him to take care it may not bs' 
 fullied. 
 
 A writer, whofe principal aim, like yours, is tO' 
 rail, muft trace up every political event to a cor- 
 rupted fource. Accordingly in rejeding fome pre- 
 tended caufes of L — d T d's appointment, 
 
 your very candour is no lefs malicious, than your 
 fagacity, in fixing upon that which appears to you: 
 to be the true one. The interell of families is ge- 
 nerally the fame, and a great llation, obtained by- 
 the juft reputation of brothers, is feldom held 
 upon ignominious conditions, or ufed for unworthy- 
 purpofes. 
 
 Full of the beft intentions towards the country 
 he was to govern; he opened his firil feffion with^ 
 the promife of a law to fecure the independance of 
 judges, and v/hy that promife was not fulfilled in- 
 its utmoft extent, muft be afked, not on this fide 
 of the water, but perhaps of a quondam minilter, 
 whofe jefuitical politics, feldom had any higher 
 view, than to fecure his own department froiu en- 
 croachments, by impeding ihe bufincfs and dlmi- 
 nilhing the credit of every other. — The public,, 
 however, have litilc to legret, as no ii conveniencies- 
 have been known to refuli horn this difappointment; 
 
 and:
 
 228 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 and the attainment of ten fuch laws, to fecure 
 what was never iiivaded, could not be conlideied as 
 equivalent to that which was never expetled, 
 though fo often demanded, the limitation of par- 
 liaments. 
 
 It is difficult to determine, upon what authority 
 
 you fo confidently aflerc, that his E y never 
 
 intended, that is, never wifhed to give either. Is 
 it the fiirewdnefs of your own conjedure ? Or has 
 it been fuggefted to you by that gentleman of popu- 
 lar tnanners, \a hoiu you reprefent fo honourably 
 contending againft government, in its own armour, 
 and vviih its own weapons, at the head of his re- 
 venue legion of colledors, furveyors, waiters, 
 fearchers, packets and gaugers I He indeed miglit 
 have told you, that as to himfelf, he never wilhed 
 fuccefs to the limitation bill, notwithftanding his 
 pretended zeal for it ; that he had found more 
 than one Chief Governor, on whofe fympithy he 
 could repofe the infincerity of his bofom, and know- 
 ing little more than the (lation of Lord Townfliend, 
 concluded that would operate as it had done belbre, 
 for the gratification of his private views, which 
 were generally inconfillent with his public declara- 
 tions. Were thefe authorities however more pow- 
 erful, the ftubborn fadt would not bend before 
 them. We have the law, and the people have 
 paid the honell tribute of their gratitude to him, 
 who dilliained an under-hand ftipulaiion to cbftru£t 
 it, whofe name will appear with unrivalled luflre 
 in the records of parliament, and whole memory 
 will be revered while there is any fenfe of indepen- 
 dance, or any abhorrence of opprefTion, in the yeo- 
 manry of Ireland. You next tell us, that the fuc- 
 cefs of ihe augm,;ntation was the piincipal object 
 
 of
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 229 
 
 of the adfliiniftratlon, and yoii impute the milcarri*- 
 age to hi3 uant of management, though you enu- 
 merate a catalogue of difficulties, which made 
 fuccefs ahuoft impolllble. Thus hurried along by 
 a rage to criminate, you either confound the 
 charge with the juftincation, or, (which is more 
 likely) you fuppofe the incautious reader may do it 
 for you. 
 
 • Some circamflances unfavourable to the merfure 
 he could not forelee, and others from a regard to 
 his own dignity, he could not wifh to prevent. Of 
 the firft fort were, the clofing the committee of 
 fupply, (which could not be kept open 'till the 
 enabling a£t, previoufly neceffary for the augmen- 
 tation of the forces was paffed by the legiflature of 
 Eng'and) and the clamours raifed againft the army, 
 there, and in America, for interpofiiig at the defire 
 of the magiftracy in both countries, to fupprefs- 
 riots, and reilore order, for which no civil autho- 
 rity was found fufficient. Of the fecond, was the 
 claufe of diffb'iution in the limitation bill, agreea- 
 ble to the true fpirit of the law, as fuch the objett 
 of the people's wifh, and therefore entitled to the 
 recommendation of government. — But the great 
 difficulty, and the great offence of all remains to be 
 accounted for, the alienation of parties from go- 
 vernment. The public have long knov/n this was 
 the real caufe of oppofition, but tii! you appeared, 
 no one was found hardy enough to impute it as the 
 crime of adminiftr?tion. To lee the bulinefs of 
 the nation conducted without the venal concur- 
 rence of a rapacious confedeiacy, had long been 
 the wifh and the defpair of the people. Thofe 
 who reverenced the dignity of the crown, were 
 ferry to fee it degraded by the fupinengfs or timi- 
 dity
 
 230 The B A T C H F L O R. 
 
 dity of its reprefeniatives. Too inany adminiftra- 
 tions had been diftinguifhec! bv events of no greater 
 importance than new acceilions of influence to 
 connt-xions aleady over giovi-n, and the ftameful 
 barter of the fnvours of government, to focure the 
 repofe, or ro gratify the avarice of the governor. 
 No wonder chcn, when a new fpirit of activity 
 and difintereftednefs appeared at the caftle, that 
 nev/ maxims fhould be adopted, and new pretences 
 held out by the di'' ppoinied brokers in parliamen- 
 tary traffick — without changing their principles, 
 thrv 'uddeniy changed their conduct, and united all 
 their ftrength to harrafs him whom they could 
 neither feduce nor intimidate. The well difciplined 
 cohorts of L — n — r and S — h — n, fell into the ranks 
 at the firll; tao of the drum ; and the motley bands 
 of P y were cajoled and menaced into obedi- 
 ence. A body of independent irregulars joined the 
 ftandard, not the caufe of oppnfidon, and after 
 difputing every inch of the ground, victory was de- 
 cided in their favour by an inconfiderable fuperiori- 
 ty It required no fmall dcg.ee of fpirit to look 
 thi- formidable alliance in the face, and nothing 
 but the greateft circumfpeftion could have prevent^- 
 ed its beiiig ftronger. 
 
 So far your capital objeftion to him as a ftatfe- 
 man, is without foundation ; yet admitting, as I do, 
 that the fuccefs of the augmentation was his prin- 
 cipal objeft, I fhould be at a lofs how to defend 
 his fufRciency, had he again been bafHed, but to the 
 confufion of your own argument, you are obliged 
 to acknowledge, that in this meafure he has fuc- 
 ceeded ; and let the voice of truth tell you how ; 
 — with fuch peculiar felicity, as to give at once 
 new vigour to the crown, and new fecurity to the 
 
 people ;
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 231 
 
 people ; to unite ta its fiapport the real patriot by 
 his principle, and the falfe one by his pretence, to 
 leave even jealoufy without a fear, and ingenuity 
 without one colourable objeift-ion. But it leems 
 you are as much otFended with the new modification 
 of the mealure, and the terms upon which it was 
 obtained in the fecond felfion, as at its not bein? 
 obtained at all in the former. You are hurt to fee 
 majefty defcending from the throne, and capitu- 
 lating with the people. I have never underflood 
 that an amicable agreement between the king and 
 the fubje£t, for the mutual benefit of both, hai been 
 ever confideied as a degradation of royalty. — The 
 crown has often made exchanges of a fimilar na- 
 ture, furrendering prerogative for revenue; and 
 feme of the greateft improvements of the conftitu- 
 tion have avifen from fuch a conm>erce. Had his 
 majefty, or his reprefentative, meanly ftipulated 
 with indi'viduals for the fupport of his meafures, 
 and, according to wha-t feems to be the great my(l:e- 
 ry of your politicks, promifed or bribed them inta 
 compliance, the king might then indeed be laid to 
 have defcended from his thvone and to have profti- 
 ttited the royal dignity. — Your profecution againfl: 
 him as a ftatfeman being cloied, you proceed to 
 arraign him as a fenator and a foldier. An imj. ar- 
 tial account of his condu6t in both the(e relations, 
 would be his betl panegyiick and your fulleft re- 
 futation. His ample fortune a.^.d iplendid expec- 
 tations, his voluntarv engagement in an unlucniiive 
 and perilous p.ofeffion ; the fp'rit with which he 
 relinquifhed, and v/iih which he refunied it,- the 
 teftimony of the generals he lerved under, and of 
 the armies he ci mmanded, have all contributed to 
 fet a ftal upon hio character, and are fuch memori- 
 als
 
 132 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 als to his honour, as the moft ingenious malice will 
 never be able to efface. 
 
 You are grofsly ignorant of, or you grofsly mifre- 
 prefcnt the motives ot his parliamentary conduft. 
 He patronized the militia bill, and the Duke of 
 Gumbt'rland was no friend to it. This was the 
 caufe of their milunderftanding. He preferred the 
 duty he owed his c(Mintry to every other confide- 
 ration, and difcharged it faithfully, though the tem- 
 porary difappo.ntment of his military ambition, 
 and the frov/ns of a prince, were to be the forfeit. 
 When that prince, difcountenanced a meafure fo' 
 congenial to the Englifh conftitution, he oppofed 
 Mr. T— 111— d, not Mr. T— Ih— d him.— As to the 
 reft, I will not difturb the little triumph of your 
 fancy, but rather thank you for that play of words, 
 which having led you from things to found, has- 
 fpared me the trouble of an anfwer to an accufati- 
 on too frivolous to deferve one. 
 
 There remain but two Particulars more to be 
 noticed, and then I fiiall follow you to a conclufion. 
 
 L — d T d's corre£lion of Col. L — tt — 1 by 
 
 a political bravo, is no lefs falfe than his launcing' 
 the thunder of a reverfionary challenge at Dr. 
 
 L s. The mentioning Col I. — tt — Ps name In 
 
 the H. of Commons, was merely accidental, and 
 from the circumftances of the time and the occafi- 
 onj could not poffibly have happened from fug- 
 geftion or preconcert. It is in vain to refer you to 
 all the members of the houfe who weie prefent, 
 for you knew the falfehood before you publi/hed it. 
 As to the venerable infirm member, his own petu- 
 lance drew upon him a reprimand which his vanity 
 
 chofe
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 23.3 
 
 cliofe to interpret into a challenge, yet L — d 
 
 T d's words bore no fuch meaning, nor were 
 
 lb underftood by any perfon prefent. 
 
 At your conclufion you labour haid in the af- 
 fefted ftrains of ungenuine pathetic, to give a 
 mournful defcription of deceafed merit at the ex- 
 pence of the living, and your impotence feems to 
 encreafe in proportion to your efforts : dijeafe and 
 (leathy triumphs and lamentations, funeral obfe- 
 quies, a venerable matron, fiends and heroes, 
 Greeks and Romans, graves and monuments, are 
 all grouped in the gloomy pidure. 
 
 While the yet undecided fate of Canada and of a 
 Blitifh army were depending, the general who 
 fucceeded to the command had no leifure to cull 
 fuch flowers of rhetorick to deck the grave of 
 the departed conqueror : but being himfelf a foldi- 
 er, he paid a more judicious tribute to the merit 
 of his colleague, by publickly teflifying that his 
 intrepidity and fkilful operations had enfured the 
 vidtory. 
 
 I mud fpend a few words more to deteft another 
 calumny, which has baflifully retired from your 
 text into an humble note, where you accufe him 
 of ufurping General Monckton's province, and igno- 
 Jantly or arrogantly figning the capitulation. After 
 the death of General Wolfe, General Monckton 
 was carried on board a fhip in the river wounded, 
 as it was thought mortally ; and the command 
 devolving up n Lord Townfhend, it was his duty 
 and his province to fign the capitulation. 
 
 Having
 
 234 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Having now done with your letter, allow me 
 to fay a word or two to your perf -n, and to guefs 
 at your charader by the marks of it in your com- 
 pofition. 
 
 You are not the friend of the conmiunity in 
 general, for you wifli to fee all power engroifed by 
 a few individuals : you are not the friend ot Irifh 
 liberty, or of Engllfh government, for when you 
 wifh the tone of prerogative may never be relaxed, 
 you wifh it at the hazard of the peoples affedlions 
 and at the expence of the conftitution of Ireland 
 having told you what you are not, let me now 
 tell you what you are. You are the friend of 
 fuccefsful corruption, and an enemy to Lord 
 Townfliend, becaufe he does not pradife the art 
 of corrupting. You are the admirer and humble 
 imitator of Junius, and the fellow labourer in 
 the great harveft of fedition The fignature you 
 have chofen is perhaps expreiTive of your difpofiti- 
 on, lake care that it may not be an omen of your 
 cataftrophe ; fince you would leave behind you, 
 a reputation at bed but infamoufly ambiguous ; — 
 to be refolved by your friends into an affairm, and 
 by your enemies into a fuicide. 
 
 March ^A, \'jjo. B R O G H I L L. 
 
 Z 
 
 NUM-
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 235 
 
 NUMBER XLI. 
 
 Fane Ligur, fruftraque animis elate fuperbis 
 N.equkquam patrias tentajii lubricus artes. 
 
 ViRG. 
 
 To J. P Y, Efq. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 N addrefling myfelf to you, I fliall neither ufe 
 fatire not invedlive : fuch weapons are unnecef- 
 fary ; a candid and true ftate of knoiun fads will 
 bell difplay the meannefs and duplicity of your pub- 
 lic conduiS, which has been fo abfurd, that the In- 
 venomed pen of a Junius, could neither exagge- 
 rate or mifreprefent it. 
 
 I am well aflured that your noble kinfman, whom 
 you and your agents fo loudly accufe, and aflidu- 
 Oufly revile, has long difapproved of your conduft 5 
 that he forefaw the inevitable confequence of your 
 miferable, fluduating, inconfiftent politics; — that 
 he warned you, like a friend, in the mod explicit 
 and candid terms. — A warning you have received 
 from many of thofey who had long borne you 
 up triumphantly, notwithftanding your innate pro- 
 penfity to fink. At length, after a fucceffion of 
 capital blunders, equally the efFe£l of your own 
 weaknefs and indecifion, and the impetuous dida- 
 torial temper of that unnatural and fatal alliance, 
 by which you were bullied into implicit obedience, 
 you at laft brought yourfelf and family into a ftate 
 of fubordluacion and infignificance. It then became 
 
 that
 
 236 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 that much niifreprefenred nobleman, with many 
 others, to refledl ferioufly on the ftate of pubhc 
 affairs, and on the duties they owed their country. 
 Though you have often played them off againft 
 foriiier Lhief Governors, merely to enhance your 
 own con!eqiK'nce, and aggrandize your family, yet 
 they could not but fee the great difference, between 
 a ferious rupture with Great Britain, on a moll: de- 
 Kcate interelling point, and a contention for Mr. 
 
 P y's fuperiority over any Chief Governor his 
 
 Majeily might chufe to appoint. 
 
 Your fliallow inteUedts never fathomed the depth 
 of your new counfellois. You could not expert 
 that men, who, though ftrongly attached to you, 
 had ftiil preferved too much fpirit to be lanked 
 among your hacks, would ever fubiiiit to a6l as lul> 
 {ervient tools to the wild ambition of your new al- 
 lies ; efpecially when they obferved your abject hu^ 
 miliation to a party, which had ever oppofed you 
 and your family. Let me afk you, fir, how often 
 have ycu brought in many of your mod approved 
 and refpedtable friends to oppofe, and afterwards 
 Jupport the famemeafure within the period of the 
 prefent adminiftralion ? How often have you pub- 
 licly declared your difapprobation of queftions the 
 mod interelling to yourfelf and your country, and 
 fhortly after, deferted your own judgment ; influ- 
 enced and intimidated by the menaces of men^ 
 whom you equally diftrufted and haled ? Even you, 
 fir, have too much fincerity to deny this. — Many of 
 your friends faw this conduct with furprize, and 
 could not but follow you with reludance ; they 
 plainly faw whofe meafures you ftooped to fupport, 
 and when you thus deferted yourfelt, they thought 
 therafelves at liberty. The late augmentation, on 
 
 which
 
 The B A T C KELOR. 237 
 
 which you buiit your faaie, that firil in(;arce of 
 your mock patriotifm, is a proof of what J have 
 afleiced. You oppcfed .\ falutary and judicious 
 nieafure, (rom ambition. You oppofed it, becaufe 
 it was not a j b, ^t\i\ Hecaule you had not the ma- 
 nagement or it. You carivafled againft it a fecond 
 tune, even before you knew in what new mode it 
 niigVt be introduced, whether fuch as would effec- 
 tual! v filpnceand aiifwer all pub'ic objections, or 
 not : and when you found that you could not pre- 
 vent the meaiure, you voted for it, in hopes inat 
 government w ;uld, as ufual, be duped by your ar- 
 tifice, and that you fhould fa've yourfeii". 
 
 Your very lingular condud, fir, appeared equal- 
 ly flagrant ; your duplicity was equally remarkable, 
 when the alteration in the meafurement of the gal- 
 lon was propofed in rhe houfe. A fenfe of your 
 duty, as firft Commiflioner ot the Revenue, promp- 
 ted you to oppofe it. Here, the duty of youi fitua- 
 tion, and your own fentiments coincided ; — vet the 
 frowns of the patriots prevailed, and impelled you 
 to defalcate _£2sooo. from the current fupplies of 
 tlie year. The only vi: tue you (hewed on this oc- 
 cafion, was modejly : it was lureiy through modeJ}y^ 
 you afterwards apologized for your beiiaviour, by 
 faying you had only adopted a icir me approved by 
 the Board • — Thofe gentlemen, under whofe fandi- 
 on you attempted to fheUer vourfelf, publicly con- 
 
 tradidled you, and left M.. F y nothing but his 
 
 eflablijhed chaia(Ster for 'veracity and Jtncerity, to 
 fupport his aflertion. 
 
 It would be too irkfome a taflc to expatiate on 
 your many tergiverfations, which ^o often fub)c6ted 
 you, as a fervaut of the crown, to make luch hu- 
 miliating
 
 238 The EATCHELOR. 
 
 miliating apologies at the Caftle, at the very time 
 you were attempting to impofe on the public by 
 profelfions of pati iotifin. — I fhall content myfelf 
 with reminding you of one inftance at prefent, be- 
 caufe it is not only the mod recent, but in fa(ft, 
 the moft important to your country, and your own 
 confequence. Did you not, fir, a few minutes be- 
 before Mr. L — gf-^d's motion to rejefl the iMoney- 
 Bill as originated in the council, declare that you 
 highlj^difapproved of that meafure, and would ne- 
 ver confent to it ? Did not your beft friends expect 
 you would oppofe it ? What obligation then has 
 the public to you for this fudden guft of patrio- 
 tifni ? which was neither the effeft of deliberation, 
 nor inclination, but that of wretched timidity^ 
 wnich has peculiarly diftinguiflied your character. 
 
 You, fir, publicly declared, that you thought 
 you had gone far enough ; — that is, you fuppofed 
 you had dillrefled government fufficiently for your 
 purpofe : for you were ahvays too much of a 
 Statesman', to let the real inlereji of your coun- 
 try have any v^'eight with you. — If a difpute with 
 the crown of England, upon Poyning's A6t, was a 
 national ad-vantage^ we are obliged to Mr, L — g- 
 f — d, and thcfe who fupported him, and not to 
 you. Your new allies were too well acquainteii with 
 the verfatility of your difpofition; for when you 
 
 were wavering, the M -fs of K — Id — re ftept 
 
 up, and menaced the wretched Speaker into obedi- 
 ence. This (hews how uninformed, and unprepared 
 you were for the queftion ; and fo little is the public 
 obliged to you, for any part of your condud which 
 can be conllrued into public fpirit ! — Nay, your 
 own haughty fon-in-law was furprized and unin- 
 formed,
 
 The B A T C H E L O R 239 
 
 formed, when his f.'iloweiS ruflied fiom the tavern, 
 to join in thai fudtien and inieuiperate refolution. 
 
 Even your fon-in-]aw has fince condemned that 
 fvote, as rafh and impolitic. On what fuoting then 
 ftands your ciedit ? And yet, you call on ptu'ons 
 lefs allied by affinity, or obligation, to fupport you 
 in what your fon-in-law condemns, and what you 
 yourfelf difapproved. And even, if I miilake not, 
 you have delivered over every conhdential fe- 
 cret againfi: thein, to be infidioufly mifrc-prefented 
 by the malignity of our Free- [-"refs patriots ; foolijb- 
 ly conceiving, that the virulence and fcurriiity of a 
 few difappoi;:ted men, will prejudice the public 
 againft thofe, whofe only crune is their refufing to 
 ferve any longer under poor J. P y- 
 
 There is, fir, even in this age of mad and Illi- 
 beral politics, fome refpeft due, from honed and 
 feeling hearts, to old alliances and connections. It 
 is not furely a difference of opinion, upon a ferious 
 point of the utmoll national importance, that can 
 authorife one gentlem n to call in the rabble, to fit 
 in judgment on the lamily anecdotes of another. 
 Nor ought you, fir, for any political difappoint- 
 nient, (poflibly arifing from your own folly or ore- 
 funiption) to ufe thofe daggers to private happinefs, 
 by divulging anecdotes; which you could never 
 have polfeffed, but by fpecious piofellions of the 
 waruieil: friendfhip. — Let the filly, undefigning, jol- 
 ly Jack P y, at his leifure hours, refledl, that 
 
 his political quarrel with his principal friends, ori- 
 ginated more from his own verfalility and infinceri- 
 t/, than from their defeQion. 
 
 I am, fir, yours, 
 
 April 20th, 1 77 1. V E R A X. 
 
 V ' N UM
 
 240 The B A T C 11 E L O R. 
 NUMBER XLII. 
 
 Rara tetnporum ftlicitate, ubi /entire qutf velis, et 
 qua Jt7itias dicere licet. 
 
 Tacit. 
 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq, 
 
 A Skeich of the political Hiftory of Ireland, du- 
 ring Lord To WNSH end's adininiftration. Writ- 
 ten/or the year 1900. 
 
 WE are now arrived at an interefting period in 
 the annals of Ireland. That celebrated, 
 (latefman, Mr Pitt, afterv/ards created Earl of 
 Chatham, fuggeftcd the firfl: idea of reducing the ex- 
 orbitanr power of a fadlious, venal ariftocracy, who 
 had iinpoverilhed the kingdom, difgraced adminiftra- 
 t'lon, and fullied the dignity of the Commons, by 
 their parliamentary jobbs. The eftablifhment of a 
 refident Viceroy, feemed the moft effe£tual means 
 of cariying this wife, and liberal fyflem of poUcy, 
 into execution ; accordingly, George Lord Vlfcount 
 Townfhend, was appointed Lord Lieutenant, in the 
 year 1767. The charadters and views of the lead- 
 ers in oppofition, or as they were then ftilcd, Patri- 
 ots, will be a neceffary introduction to this part of 
 our hillory. 
 
 T-he D— ke of L— ft— r, fupported by his power- 
 ful connexions, and the hereditary influence of his 
 faraily> entertained extravagant notions of his own 
 
 importance :
 
 The B A T C II E L O R. 241 
 
 importance : he had been appointed one of the 
 Lords Juftices in the year 1757; and his ambition 
 was heated by that faint reflection of royalty. He 
 had been raifed to the dignity of a D — ke, and en- 
 joyed the honourable and lucrative office of Mafter 
 General of the Ordinance ; an office, /« thofe days, 
 jull calculated for a man paffionately fond of parade 
 and grandeur ; of ffiining in the military trappin-rs 
 of a foldier at a review, without fharing in the toils 
 or dangers of the profeffion. Yet the D — ke foon 
 
 forgot his Sovereign's favours favours which he 
 
 had folicited with anxiety, and received with reve- 
 rence. His piide was mortified, by feeing Engliih 
 noblemen, inferior to him in rank and lineage, adt as 
 the reprefentalives of Majefty, for he derived his 
 ideas of a ftatefman's genius and experience, from 
 the bock of heraldry. Aduated by ihefe motives, 
 and as arrogance and felt-fufficiency operate ftrong- 
 ell in weak minds, the D — e afpircd to the Lieute- 
 nancy of the kingdom, and retired in difguft, be- 
 caufe his ambition was not gratified. He grew 
 fplenetic, fullen, and difTatialied, loudly exclaiming 
 againll the fame meafures of government, as op- 
 preluve and unconftitutional, which he had for- 
 merly approved and applauded. His capacity was 
 mean and narrow ^ — all his ftudies were confined 
 to the ridiculous CEConomical arrangement of his 
 houfhold. As he neither i;ofrcfred talents or know- 
 ledge, he was fervilely bigoted to forms and ceremo- 
 nies. He was oftentalious from pride, and fplendid 
 rather than hofpitable j — naturally referved and 
 diltant, and but fupercilioufly civil and polite ;— 
 peremptory and obllinate, becaufe his dull, fombrous 
 imagination, rendered him incapable of varying his 
 ideas on any fubjefl, by viewing it in different 
 lights. Want of penetration prevented his being 
 M guided
 
 242 The B A T C II E L O R. 
 
 guided by the ableft men of his own party, as he was 
 neither fenfible of his own weaknefs, or of their 
 luperioiity. However, the D — ke veiled his ambi- 
 tion, under the fpecious appearance of indepen- 
 dence and public fpirit. Sonierinies, he would even 
 condefcend to capitulate v.'ith goverrnient, and 
 pledge hini'eit to fupport a particular ineajure., if the 
 Enghlh legiflature could be induced to relax fome 
 of thofe fevere, reiliridive laws, which were then 
 in force., though equal'y prejudicial to the trade, and 
 true intereft of both kingdoms. Yet, fo inconfillent 
 was his condufl with his profellions, that he op- 
 pofed with rancour tvtxy well-concerted fcheme of 
 the Viceroy's, either for the extention of our com- 
 merce, or the improvement of the revenues, which 
 derive their prefent fiourifbin^ ftate from Lord 
 Townfliend's judicious regulations. 
 
 John P — nf — by, Efq; was then Speaker of the 
 
 H — fe of C ns. A man, who by the conflid of 
 
 faction, and fubiilty of intrigue, joined to fome 
 fortuitous circumilances, faw himfelf raifed to a 
 ftation, for which nature and education had totally 
 difqualified him. His perfonal infignihcance ren- 
 dered him contemptible, notwithllanding the ex- 
 orbitant power he long enjoyed : as there was 
 nothing refpedable in his charadler to excite fear, 
 he was only defpikd, but never hated. His memo- 
 ry jull ferveu to -make him recoiled a faying of his 
 
 father's, the Earl of Bclb gh, '• that want of 
 
 " veracity was an efiVntial ingiedient in the com- 
 «• pofition of a flatefman." Of all- the Earl's max- 
 ims, that was the only one he either underftood, or 
 prattlfed — Dilfimulation, timidity, and Irrefolution, 
 were the leading princiJes of his politics. His 
 diffimulation was fo blended with timidity, that it 
 
 feemed
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 243 
 
 feenied to arife, rather from r.n appreheiiuon of givinjr 
 olFence, than a conilitutional weaknefs. 7'his apparent, 
 tho' fallacious mark of dillindion, flattered thole who 
 addrelTed him, and was niifconftriied by them into 
 a mark of refped : by thefe means, fome follov/ers 
 remained attached to his perfon, 'whom his iniinceiity 
 would otherwife have eilranged. He had cunning 
 enough to infinuate, that his irrefolution rather 
 fprung from a deference to the judgement of others, 
 than from his own indecifivenefs. There was an 
 air of fincerity in his folemn profeiTions, fufficient 
 to deceive thofe who were not thoroughly acquaint- 
 ed with the duplicity oi his heait. — iVlany were 
 fecretly pleafed to fee a man at the head of the 
 Commons, whofe influence and inieretl could com- 
 mand any favour from government j ard wh/fe 
 timid fpirit, and fliallow inteiledts,, encouraged them 
 to extort pioniifes, either by bullying or perfuaiion. 
 In a country, not quite civilized in the middle of 
 the la'.l century, hofpitality was more eileemed than 
 at prefent. Mr. P. was excellently fitted to 
 fhine in this fphere, and promote the pleafures of 
 the table, as he v/as both focial and generous. He 
 was beloved by his companions, tor his converfation 
 convinced them, that his underftanding was of the 
 lowert order, and thereby flattered them into a bet- 
 ter opinion ot their own. 
 
 The fervility of the Commons in that age, and 
 abfoluie fubmiilion to the will of the Speaker, will 
 fca'rcely be crLdited at prefent ; yet the inflances I 
 fliall produce are fo well authenticated, that they 
 mufl: force convitlion on every render. To fl:rike, 
 and intimidate the Earl of Hertford with an idea of 
 his unbounded power and influence, he obliged the 
 obfequious Commons to refjlve, " That an entry, 
 iVl 2 " iccoidcd
 
 244 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 « recorded in the journals of the year 1615, ac- 
 «' knowleging the conllitutional prerogative of the 
 ** crown, and the legal rights of the Deputy and 
 *« Council, fhould be expunged, as a difgrace to 
 " parliament." The next day, A'Ir. P. after 
 having had the honour of a fecret conference with 
 the Earl, induced that fubfervient aiTeinbly to vote, 
 *' That the clerk had mirtaken the fenfe and orders 
 *< of the houfe ;" though it was proved beyond a 
 pofTibilit', of doubt, that the motion was conceived 
 in thofe iMords, which were taken down by the clerk 
 with accuracy and precifion, and repeatedly read to 
 the whole houfc. 
 
 For this fiiamelefs conduct, the Speaker was ap- 
 plauded by his friends, as they foolilhly fuppofed he 
 was a confummate politician, by conciliating the 
 favour of the Vice-roy, and fliewing the implicit 
 obedience of that fupple Senate, who had disgraced 
 themfelves to exalt him. By this fhameful tranfa6ti- 
 on, we may evidently perceive the tergiverfation 
 and effrontery of an ariftocratic faction, who are 
 always ready «o ftart any infiJious queftion, to ex- 
 cite a popular clamour againft government, and then 
 meanly to retra£t and refcind their own folemn votes 
 and refolutions, at the beck of their chief. Since 
 thai dilgraceful sera, the dignity of the commons 
 hath been lludioufly preferved. 
 
 The fecond imlance, by which he proftituted 
 the honour of the Commons, was, by procuring an 
 iniquitous a61 of parliament, to protect and enrich 
 an infamous, difcounting fhopkeeper, whofe crimes 
 •were oi fo uncommon, and flagitious a nature, that 
 the laws of his country had not devifed any punifli- 
 nient for them. Some years after, this man became 
 
 a member
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 ^45 
 
 a member of that houfe, in whofe journals he is ftill 
 recorded for every fpecies of meannefs and fraud. 
 As his pofterity are now peers of tire realm, I do 
 not choofe to mencion his name, letl it fliould be 
 voted a breach of privilege. — — — — • 
 
 — — Cii'tera dtfunt. — — — Q^ 
 
 NUMBER XLIII. 
 
 Dijfficilis, fncilis, jucunJus, acerhus es ide?n ; 
 Nee tecum pojjhm z'i'vere, nee fine te. 
 
 Martial. 
 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 THINK it will furnidi out a v/hlmfical fpeculati- 
 on, to confider the various traits wliich peculiarly 
 diftinguifh his Excellency Lord Sancho ; and alfo 
 the various difcordant notions which our great mea 
 have entertained, at different times, about this hete- 
 roclite being. By thefe means, we may form fuch 
 an idea of his principles and, politics, as cannot be 
 fuggelted, cither by panegyrick or inveftive.—^lf 
 your paper is not fervilely devoted to the courts 
 you may gain fome credit, by admitting an eflay 
 v/;itten en this fubje£t, with freedom and impartia- 
 lity. 
 
 On his E.'fccllency's arrival he was, like the refl: of 
 his predecefTors, complimented, cateffcd and flat- 
 tered, — Araidft the general felliviry, the p'cafures 
 M 3 and
 
 246 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 nnd fr.arci of the taMe were not rieglc(ftecl in thfs 
 hofpitablo country. S.incho was a hon I'tvant, and 
 being botli a foldier and a man of wit, v.'as eaiiy 
 Inbitiiati'd to a jovial life, and Teemed to relifh our 
 Hi'eipinn mode of afficiatirg claret and politics : — 
 \Ht; laugVTed and joked, talked with Mr. P. oi 
 b>mnds and horfes, and entertaitied ibme of li.j 
 Dublin Societv with a Ii^>ely account of the cultiva- 
 t'on of N'.v-foik turnips. F(e ufualiy difparched a 
 ir.eir^ivjjr every week to Rainham for dogs of every 
 ipccies, fro/fi a fox-hound to a turn-fpit — ihe/e he 
 prefented to our nobility and gentry, and feeined to 
 Jiave no other view, than in»proving ihe canine 
 brctd in thio kingdom. — Mr.'P — nf — by, like a wife 
 jiiinifter, wns charmed by the diifipated manners 
 of the Vicerov ; 'fwo e " he was the very man 
 »« ff-ey wanted, that /A/_y Vv-ou'd do his and the 
 ■" Kinsr'.s br.fnefs, and carry him triuruphantiy 
 " tiu()U^h tiie feifion." 
 
 In the m.="in time, the fprightly Governor's noc- 
 tuviia! revels ai'.d*^5« mofs, furrifhed entertainment 
 find converlation to the town ; and it was even con- 
 fidently reported, that he had made his implicit de- 
 pendence on the Enghfh miniflry, and his want of 
 nower, the rubjeft of a fatyrical caracaiure, and had 
 ada:.lly drawn himfelf in a ludicrous attitude, with 
 his hands tied behind bis b,ck. Arts h'ke th.fe 
 ini^ht well deceive the moft fagacious of our politi- 
 cians, wiihout any impeachment of theTr underftand- 
 ines, as dnngerous meafures could fcarcely be purfu- 
 ei-i bv U'.ch a merry Viceroy ; who, like Chailes the 
 lid. did not affunie the ai s of rovalty one hour in a 
 month. Hovv'ever, Mr. Wagltaffe, this pleating de- 
 lufion (iki not laft lo-^g. At the commencement of 
 the fellion in 1767, the obfcquious, undefigning 
 
 Sancho,
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 247 
 
 Sancho, began to talk in a different ftyle. He infor- 
 med Mr P. as premier^ that he he did not choofe 
 to be a neminul Lord Lieutenant ; that he would 
 not fit idly on the box, like the {late coachman, 
 whilll: others led and governed the hories. This 
 allulioa Mr. P. perfedly underllood, and it both 
 furpiized and mortified him. — He was alfo alarm- 
 ed by Itrange accounts of Sancho's converlation, as a 
 man of biifmefs j — his knowledge o'i our conlUluticn, 
 acquaintance wi'.h the policy of the country, and 
 ftriclures on the fyrtem of jobbing, filled him with 
 feiious appiehc.iiJr.s. 
 
 At this time, his Excellency had neither the fore- 
 fight nor experience of the Attorney General to 
 diiefl, nor the copious, perfuafive, and iireliitable 
 eloquence of the Prime-Serjeant to aflin: Iiim. Both 
 ihefe gentlemen were then in the oppofiiion ; but 
 Sancho, who fet a proper value on fuch abilities, 
 had art and addrefs enough to conciliate their affec- 
 tions, and make them ever fince his firm fupportcs 
 and iiiends. — By this conduft, he acquired the cha- 
 racter of a penetrating and crafty ftatefman. Ills un- 
 expeftcd digrefllons, and fudden flights of fancy, on 
 the nioft ferious and important fubjedls, were then 
 efteemed artful difguifes, to conceal his real fcnli- 
 ip.ents and intcniloni. — As I defign my obfeivations 
 merely to enable the candid reader to form fome 
 jut'gn)ent of this extraord nary perfonage, from au- 
 ti.ciuic fadls and anecdotes, I pafs over the auginen- 
 taiioii, pioiogation, and other public ails of his ad- 
 niiniftration, without either praife or cenfure. 
 
 His Excellency's vivacity and volatile difpofition, 
 furniih a perpetual fund of agreeable entertainment. 
 — Oije day, the munificence and fplcndor of a Nor- 
 M 4 ihuuiLcrland;
 
 248 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 tliumbeiland dazzles us at the Caftle ; — the next, 
 
 prefents us a Itriking view of Lord H — rt d's 
 
 tarnifhed dignity. Sancho's temper and converfation 
 are alfo uniformly fitigular, and exadly fuited to his 
 doineitic cecononij. Wit, and lively pitfturelque ri- 
 dicule, rometimes cake entire pofreilion of his imagi- 
 nation : gaiety and beneficent good humour illumi- 
 nate his countenance, and diffufe over his addrefs 
 the moH: captivating and amiable graces. — Suddenly 
 the fccne ch.inges, and nothing is prefented to us 
 but 2<gr'jtefque pitture of Dutch phlegm, and Englilh 
 fullenhefs. 
 
 I iliould alfo obferve, though he never courts, but 
 feems ftudioufly to defpife popularity, yet he has 
 had the good fortune of attaching the connnon 
 people to him. The familiarity of his deportment, 
 and ftrong fympathetic feelings, which often excite 
 him to occafional ads of genercfity in his ruhs and 
 wrtZ/j, has accomplifhed this, without premeditation 
 or defign. His uncommon condefcenfion has a 
 wonderful eifeft ; and he carries it fo far, that I 
 have ken him and his fervants pcifonally em- 
 ployed in little offices of humanity. This has been of 
 more' fervice to him, than all the boafted pieces 
 from your prefs, profcfiedly v.iitten to compliment 
 and vindicate him. . 
 
 He certair.lv mufl have ufed great-art and addrefs, 
 
 in .detaching L — d E ly from his old ccnnefli- 
 
 ons : this wtis a Machtj^yelian ftroke in politics, and 
 could only be equalled by his placing Mr. P — r — y 
 in the chair, on Mr. P — nf— by's refignation. His 
 talents for bufinefs, and his times for doing it, are full 
 as eccentric as the reft of his condu>Et. I am aflur- 
 ed, that he is his own fecretary, and that he often 
 
 fits
 
 The B A T G H E L O R. 249 
 
 fits up till four or five o'clock fn the morning, wri- 
 ting difpatches, after ilrolling the Green, arm in arm 
 with L — d M — It — on, as the town fays, with the 
 laudable intenlion of picking up a girl. 
 
 It is tiovj flirewedly fufpefled, that this perturbed 
 fpirit intends 10 haunt us five or (w years longer. 
 The report of a {uccefTor being appointed, is found- 
 ed on an artful coUufion to difcover the views and 
 expedations of thofe patriots, who ar&afhamed to 
 lay themjeli'es open to Sancho. Many of them are 
 noiu at Paris, offering their fervices, and pouriig out 
 their complaints to one who affededly feems to pity 
 them, and promifes to redrefs their grievances. But 
 let it be remembered, that a moft confidential mini- 
 fter, the Provolt, is on the fpct, charge des affairesy 
 and pledged to fupport his old friend Sancho's inte- 
 reft. To carry on the farce with more plaufibility, 
 this re'verjlonary Vice-roy has nOi.jnated two or 
 three aids des camps, and may appoint his whole 
 family like Lord Biiftol, without any ferious intenti- 
 ons of coming over. Thefe grand manseuvres are all 
 preparatory to the feflion of parliament which San- 
 cho will open next winter, as he h perhaps, determin- 
 ed to give us the coup de grace, and conclude his ad-^ 
 niinifiration by eUablifliing a Land Tax. 
 
 I am, fir, yours, 
 
 Dubliriy JulyCih, 1772. SPECULATOR. 
 
 M 5 N U M-
 
 250 The BATCH ELOR. 
 
 NUMBER XLIV. 
 
 Iratus Chremes-, tumido delitigat Ore. 
 
 HOR 
 
 To Jeoffry VVagstaffe, Efcj. 
 
 SI R, 
 
 DOCTOR Swift, In his " (Tiort view of the 
 ihrce of Ireland." includes the non-refidtnce 
 of a chief governor among the lift of national grie- 
 vances. — To remedy this, and many other incon- 
 veniencies, the celebrated Lord Chatham, propofed 
 a new pol'tical fyilem, v/hich was inilanlly ad.>pted, 
 and happily brought to perfection by the prei'ent 
 Lord Lieutenant ; — yet this very nieafure has been 
 the caufe of all our complaints. The powerful ari- 
 llociacy wi\ich had folong leigned without controul, 
 could not be to reiinqiiilh their power : Like pyrates 
 they iuaviediately huiig out falfe colours, to 
 deceive the people, and alfemble them under the 
 fpecious fiandaid of patrioiifrn. — To reftore Inde- 
 pendance to the Houfe of Commons has been repre- 
 fenied as a defign toenilve the nation. To at- 
 tempt governing the kingdom without Lords Ju-fti- 
 ces, vi'as efteenied high treaiun againft the conrtitu- 
 tion. The reverence uluaily paid thofe luighty lords, 
 often made me recollect the cuiloin of leading an 
 afs into church, and tinging an anthem in his praife ; 
 yet when Europe bad eiiierged from baibarihn, an 
 
 attempt
 
 The SATCIICLOR. 251 
 
 attempt to aboliili this ridiculous cutlom occafioned' 
 manv riots among the bigoited rabble. 
 
 The proceedings of the houfe furnifh the ilrongeft 
 proofs of thefe inveterate prejudices — '1 he nation 
 is faid to be bankrupt and ruined, finLing under op 
 prefiion, loaded with taxes, curfed with a venal and 
 corrupt admin. ftration, who piofufeiy lavilh the public 
 money in unneceffary expences. An honourable 
 member who feems to have tuned his voice to the 
 doleful notes of a paffing bell, lately preached a 
 prolix funeral fermon over his country. — Ireland 
 was ruined becaufe — but I learn to imitate the Kil- 
 kenny orator, who fubftitutes viiulent inventive 
 and perfonal deformation, for preciilon in argument, • 
 and candor in debate- — Mr. H — fs — y's attic ele- 
 gance may apologize for his fatire ; — hut the preme- 
 ditated joke, the forced conceit, the aukward rail- 
 lery, are Mr. Flood's peculiariiies, and dilHnguilhi 
 him as much as dijhrtion, vociiciaiion, and a ■^licious' 
 pronui.ciation, that would even difgrace the Cice-- 
 ronian fociety. - 
 
 After the able ft champions of o/>/i5///£)« had ex- • 
 hauiled their rhetoric, and exhibiicd tlieir miltaKen 
 inaccurate caiculaaons to gain the applaufe of the 
 gallery, they were anfwered by the Prime Serjeant 
 in a ftyle and manner liiat adds grace to a dry • 
 and tiref jme fubjeit, and renders it agreeable. The ■ 
 patriots v/ere llicvvn to be weak reafoners and mi- 
 fcrable financiers, and not in the leaft qualified for a ' 
 feat at either the old or a ne--w board. The inconfitl:- 
 ency of their arguments was evident. In ;he year 
 1769 — under Lord Townfliend's adminiftiation, the 
 trade of the kingdom it feems was anihilated, be- • 
 cauu: the revenue liad dccteafed j^5g,ono. — Yet. in 
 
 1761',
 
 252 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 1 761 , under the mild, wife, and ccconomical Mr. P — 
 nl^ — by, a deficiency of j^8 1,000 had fpread no al- 
 arm. The exports (our only beneficial commerce) 
 have encreafed ; — yet if we were to credit thefe fage 
 politicians, the nation was undone, becaufe the trea- 
 lury was not enriched by duties which arife on our 
 iniports. 7"here new commercial piinciples are not 
 to be found in D'Avenant or Petty, the public fpirit- 
 ed financiers may have picked them up trom Sr. 
 W — 11 — m M — yne, or — a writing mafter. 
 
 Hov/ever, the debates yefterday in the houfe, 
 proved the legality and expediency of the New 
 Hoard, beyond a pofiibility of doubt. The Kilken- 
 ny orator, moved for the following refolution, 
 " that the Houfe would not allow, any fums applied 
 to the payment of new Commiflioners of Excife, 
 but fliould credit the nation with their fallaries." 
 -The illegallity of this motion was pointed out, as it 
 was dircdly contrary to a pofitive ad of parliament, 
 which both empowered the king to appoint a New 
 Board ; and alfo, provided for the additional ex- 
 pence. Mr. F. then modejUy withdrew his moti- 
 on, and candidly apologized for introducing it, 
 by acknowledging his ignorance of the Excife 
 Laws ! He then propoied another refolution, which 
 was only a little deficient in fenfe and grammar : 
 However, by the aflillance of Mr. Maione's ju- 
 dicious remarks it was at laft reduced to Englifli, 
 and fnaped into conntUncy : The purport of it was, 
 " that the Houfe would refufe their confent to any 
 alteration in the prefent Excife Laws, which might 
 
 carry into efied the divifion of the Board. &c. 
 
 Mr. Mafon immediately perceived the abfurdity 
 of agreeing to fuch a refolution, and to (hew it in 
 the fliongell light, he ptopofed this amendment, 
 
 '• however
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 253 
 
 " however beneficial fuch an alteration might be for 
 colleftfng the public revenue." In the courfe of 
 the debate, Mr. F. exhibited his ufual oiatorial 
 powers : he compared the friends of Government 
 to a Phalanx, which penetrated like a Wedge 
 through the loofe ranks of independance. — Meta- 
 phors, and figurative expreffions, introduced with 
 elegance and propriety have a peculiar beauty : but 
 M. F d defpiles fuch puerilities : his inaccura- 
 cies, his blunders, his millakes are owing to the 
 fublimity of his genius : He refembles the antient 
 philofopher who often fell into a ditch, while he 
 was itudying aftronomy, and contemplating the ftars 
 — Even Potter's antiquities might teach him to dif- 
 tinguifh between a Phalanx and a Wedge, and 
 not ufe thefe terms asjynonimouf, in a finiihed ora- 
 tion. However, as Mr. F. feems angry at a 
 fiiendly hint you formerly gave hini, to vary his flu- 
 dies frrm Demoflhenes to Salmon's grammar, I 
 I lliall fay no more on the fubjeft. 
 
 Sir George Macartney, in a fenfible manly 
 tone of reafoning, defended the meafures of ad- 
 miniftratlbn. Mr. F. had aflerted, " that it was 
 an indignity and infult offered the Houfe, to ap- 
 point a New Board, in contradidton and defiance of 
 their * late refolution." Sir George proved, how 
 inexplicit, indecifive, anu nugatory, this boafted 
 refolution was. It was entirely retrofpedi^e, and 
 could not by any conlhudion extend xo ihQ future. 
 He juftly termed it an iniiendo refolution. It was 
 neither addrcfTed to the King, or the Lord Lieute- 
 nant. The Houlc ordered the Speaker to lay It 
 before his Excellencv, and he toM them he would 
 tranfmit it to his Majefty ; but at the lame time in. 
 
 • That fcvcn CommifTioners had hitherto been fuffii ient, 
 
 formed
 
 254 The BATCH ELOR. 
 
 formed them, he had received his Majedy's oiders 
 for dividing the Boards. 
 
 Though he gave the Houfe that information, 
 they ftill hoped the King would recal or cancel ihoic 
 letters. For it is univerfall}' believed, that the patri- 
 ots chief objedti'jns were not giounded on the in- 
 expediency of the uicalure, but arofe fiom ferfon- 
 al pique and difappointment. They could not 
 bear to think, that gentlemen, who had fupported 
 government, and afted wifely, fiiould be diftinguiHi- 
 ed by their Sovc;cign's favour, when fome of their 
 leaders had been dilmiffed for folly and ingratitude : 
 
 the contraft was too llrong and humiliating. 
 
 They alfo had another excellent reafon for oppofing 
 the prefent arrangement. — As they probably intend 
 fr.pporting a future adininillration, they meant to 
 keep the New Board as a referve, to be compofed of 
 their friends, and therefore can't forgive Lord 
 Townfhend, for cutting off this dernier rejource. 
 
 It is evident to a demonftration, that Mr. P n • 
 
 f by's chief aim "/as to eftablifh a new board for 
 
 the provifion of his friends. In his virtuous admi- 
 nilbation, and in the firfl year of his prefent Majcf- 
 ty's reign, the a»Sl paffer, which has facilitated the 
 execution of this long projefled Ichcme, Jaticli^ 
 oned by three particular afts of parliament. — The 
 expence at the utmofl will not exceed 12000I. per 
 ann. — and the gain to the revenue will probably be 
 five times as much : for it is well known, that the 
 inland excife of Ireland is now lefs than it was a 
 century ago, and yet the people, and confcquently 
 theconifumptlon, is neatly doubled. 
 
 No
 
 The B A T CHE LOR. 255 
 
 No one exclaimed Co loudly againft the expence 
 
 of the board as the oeconomical Mr. J n • 
 
 P nf by. He prophefiedh would occafion a 
 
 land tax, (which he has takerf care his tenants mufl: 
 pay) and alfo, that the meafure itfclfwas imprac- 
 ticab'e, without a new claufe in the aft. — It is real>- 
 Iv pleafant to obferve this gentleman in his 
 new character of an osconomift — The man who 
 had for fo many years loaded the country with un- 
 neffary fine -cures. — He who had fwelled the charg- 
 es of the revenue in incidents and fallaries, from 
 69,651! 15s. 2d. to 114,714!. 4s. 3d. annually. — 
 This infidious management of the revenue rendcrt-d 
 government dependent on the Irifi ariftocracy : con- 
 fequently the patriotic proftitution of it, became 
 a fundamental maxim in their politics. New taxes 
 were levied on the people to fupply the deficiency j 
 and the odium was thown on government, by theie 
 tonfcientious gentlemen. 
 
 When Mr. P — nf — oy precided at the Board, 
 Capt. Mercer was permitted to build as many boats 
 as he pleafed. He built one, called the HIbernia, 
 for Mr. Glovev. Her outfet coil: 4000). Her an- 
 nual expence was 6000I. though fne never made a 
 capture. When Mr, Beresford, and fir W. Oflborne, 
 were appointed Comuiiilioners, they thought it their 
 dudy, to enquire into the matter. They found fi e 
 was totally unfit for any puipofe. To make an ex- 
 periment, however, they ordered her to block up 
 the port of Ruih ; flie did fo ; at low water, the 
 fui«gg!ers all failed out, the Hibernia was lying dry, 
 and could noi float 'till high water. CaptainM — 1 — er, 
 on being examined, was obliged to give in a report 
 in writing, that flie v/as unferviccable. Here was a 
 
 dead
 
 25<5 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 dead expence of 4000I, incurred at firft, befides 
 6000I. per annum; which is above half the fum, 
 ihe new board can poilibly coft. 7'his is only one 
 example of Mr. P nf -by's cecononiy. 
 
 The lafl: motion propofcd in the H — fe, could 
 only proceed from a head ftoied with fuch trum- 
 pery ideas, as Mr. B — ry B — ry's. " That the 
 " Coinmiirioneri; of the Excife, fhould be fufpend- 
 *' ed from their fundtions in parliament." This 
 motion was treated with cold contempt. Mr. Buflie's 
 arguments on the fubje£t, were mafterly, fpi- 
 ritted, and ingenious. This Mr. Wagftaffe, was 
 the latl effort of Mr. P. and an expiring fadion ; 
 of a faction whofe laft efforts againft the eftablilh- 
 ment of a new board, may be compared to the 
 eonvulfive ftruggles of a hcadlefs fly, that feems 
 for a moment to acquire llrength from the very 
 wound that deftroys it. 
 
 Yours, &c. 
 
 February 15th 1772. SENATOR. 
 
 N U M-
 
 The BATCH EL OR. 257 
 
 NUMBER XLV. 
 
 Extremum nutem prteceptum in beneficiis-, operaque 
 dandn eji, ne quid contra cequitatem contendasy tie 
 quid per injuriam. Fundamentum enim perpetute^ 
 commendationisf et faviise efi jujlitia, ftne qua nihil 
 poteji ejje laudabile. 
 
 Cicero de OfficIIs. 
 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. . 
 
 SIR, 
 
 PLINY defcribes a fpecies of men with heads 
 like dogs, who barked inftead of fpeaking j I 
 fancy our complaining patriots are lineally defcended 
 from thofe monflers. The dull declaimers in the 
 Freeman, without either precifion in their argu- 
 ments, truth in their aiTertions, or anv knowledge of 
 the fiibjecl they write on, ftill continue to pour out 
 illiberal inve£i.ives on our Chief Governor ; though, 
 a moment's reflection might convince them, that the 
 prefent deficiency in the revenue principally origi- 
 nated from the management of that able financier, 
 and incorrupt patriot, Mr. P. ' 
 
 The late Sir Richard Cox conftantly aflerted, and 
 proved by the mofl: accurate calculation, that Mr. 
 P — nP — by's election to the chair, and fupporting 
 liim in it, coft the nation one million fterling. Sir 
 Richard formed his eftimate by the feveral parlia- 
 mentary grants for different jobs, including the pen- 
 
 fions
 
 258 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 fions birftcwed by government on Mr. P — nf — by's 
 friends, from the year 1754. when Lord H — (b — gh 
 was appoirued Lord Jujlke, to the year 1764, vhen 
 A-lr. P. vainly imagiritd himfelf firmly eftablillied 
 by \\iz family compad. — In the year 1765, he be- 
 came chief contraftor for doi:!g what was called the 
 King's bufinefs, that is, procuring the iilual fupplies 
 eJJ^ntiu'ly nquifite to the fupport and defence of the 
 kingd'jin f'or thus gracioiifly condefcending to 
 leive his country, he enjoyed the invaluable privi- 
 lege of conducing every job in the Houfe o Com- 
 mons, and of lavifliing the public revenue, to influ- 
 ence and carry on elections in the country. Such 
 were the grand obje6ls of Mr. P — nf — by's admini- 
 ftration, when he prefiJed in the houle, and at the 
 board. 
 
 The expence of the revenue eftabliniment annu- 
 ally increafed, from 69,658!. 15s z\\., 'till in the 
 year 1769 it amounted to 117,7141. 4s 2|d. By 
 this means Mr. P. became intoxicated with pov/er, 
 and fought government, (as Broghill exprefl- 
 es it) " in its own armour, and with its own wea- 
 *' pons, at the head of his revenue legion of collec- 
 " tors, furveyors, tide-waiters, fearchers, packers, 
 " guagers." 
 
 If we examine his mniniiterial conduft, we (hall 
 find, that infcead of providing for the exigencies ot 
 government, by judicious and equitable taxes, he 
 loaded the nation with a debt of 581,96-il. 33- c^iJ. 
 either through inattention or defign ; and luffered 
 the very laws, on which the colleftion of the reve- 
 nue immediately depended, to be explained away 
 by the fubtle diilinaion of lawyers, and the quirks 
 of fmugglers, agents, and folicicors. — Tj Mr. P. 
 
 We
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 259 
 
 We are obliged for the a£l of parliament to explain 
 pan of the 14th and i5ih of Charles II. by which 
 the revenue has been diininiilird 86,151!- yearley. — 
 Not content with this, morejobs was accompliftied 
 by his unbounded power in the Houfe of Commons 
 to compleat the defalcation. 
 
 Vv'hen the Lord Lieutenant's fivmnefs had render- 
 ed the leaders of fadion contemptible, and baffled 
 everv effort either to cajole or intimidate higf) : w hen 
 Mr. P. found himfelf diappoin'.ed in all his merce- 
 nary fchemes, he at lafl refigned the chair. L=ke an 
 afs (lung by a hornet, he had fmarted by the councils 
 of the jttl kenny orator, and was glad to eicape trom 
 him. 
 
 Government, now freed from a difgraceful fub- 
 jeftion to ftate contactors, is in the condition of a 
 perfon, who on caning to age, difcovers the frauds 
 of a knavifh guardian : this will appear evident by the 
 foilovv'ing llate of the revenue. 
 
 Deficiency occafioned by the explaratory 
 
 ad cf the 5ih of George III. — X^^''?^ o 4 
 By fix-pence per gallon, draw-back on 
 
 rum landed in England — a bounty e- 
 
 qiially prejudicial to both kingdoms, 
 
 as it encourages fmuggling on their 
 
 coafls. — 64,613 7 o 
 
 By an alteration in the excife gallon, — 20,000 o o 
 
 L 170,764 7 4 
 
 In
 
 26o The BATCHELOR. 
 
 In Auguft 1744 Mr. P."| 
 was appointed Com- j 
 minioner : In that f 
 year, which ended >';4>092 2 zf 
 at I-ady-Day 1 745, 
 the revenue eftabli/h- | 
 nient amounted to j 
 
 Which in the year end- 
 ing Lady- Day 1/59' J> 83,259 '4 It 
 was 
 
 i 83- 
 
 Increafed charge — 291167 U 11 
 
 Incidents. 
 Year ending Lady-day 
 
 1744. _ 15,566 13 o 
 
 Year ending Lady-day 
 
 1769, 31454 'o i| 
 
 Increafed 'charge in incidents 15,887 17 il 
 
 £ 45-055' 9 ci 
 
 • Mr. P. thus appropriated the funi of 4 5.0 5 5 1, 
 for the maintenance of his -civil lijl. T he oificers 
 of the revenue, inftead of minding their duty, em- 
 ployed -themfelves in eleftion-jobbing, as the mod 
 effeftual recommendation to their patron. — A total 
 relaxation of difcipline took place among Mr. P.'s 
 troops. — Co!!e6lors might embezzle his Majelly's 
 calli, and even fend up falfe returns for their re- 
 ceipts, to apologize for not anfvvering an acquit- 
 tance.—
 
 The B A T C H ^ L O R, 261 
 
 tance.— It' they could infiue. l,:: .: burgejj,.Ot com- 
 maoa two or three vor.es, they were erteemed excel- 
 lent officers, and received the thanks of the fiifi: 
 Commiffioner. 
 
 Nothiiig can be more ahfurd than to fee a fet of 
 men affeding to be patriots ^v exdaiining ..i/ainft 
 every thing that tends to ii; cove the revenue. 
 They muft kn,:w t'lat they ultimately diilieis their 
 country by this conduct; the civi! find military 'ift 
 inufl: be kept up for the fake of the Vvhole ; niid 
 fome gratifications are neceifary, not only as re- 
 wards to merit, but to al'-jviiT.- the misfortunes of 
 families fallen from their rai-k and affluence, ^,'ho 
 would olherwife be reduced to obfcurity and indi- 
 gence. 
 
 The greater!: infult, and 'nde?d innpofition on the 
 public, is, to fee thofe who already enjoy prefer- 
 ment, and thofe who expetSt it, diibeliing their 
 country by an atfcClation ol virtue — the' they bran- 
 difh ihe fword of oppofuion wiih one hand, the fup- 
 plicating palm of the other is extended ; like the 
 fftiritual tyc oi 2i Swadling preacher, up lifted to 
 Heaven in a tervour of devotion, whilft the carnal 
 one is call down, to count th- Hjillings, and compute 
 the godly gains extorted from a deluded audience. 
 
 Whoever examines the per.fion llil, will find that 
 no families have loaded rhdr country fo unmercei- 
 fully as our prefent bawling patriots. They even 
 obtained penfionary favours tor jf^/ri that the preju- 
 dice ihey had done their country might not ceafe 
 with their lives, arjd thar thc}- might fhtv their in- 
 gratitude to governmeiii without injuring ihemlelves. 
 
 The
 
 262 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 The public caugVit with the mere found of their 
 prefent profeHions, do not fee that the national re- 
 venues have been mortgaged, and ave likely to be 
 again mortgaged, to fupp!y the infatiable demand 
 of ihofe painoered patriots on a fecond conveifion. 
 This wc may expctl, whenever their own noife, and 
 the public credulity, fliall raife them to fufficient 
 confequence. 
 
 V E C T I G A L. 
 
 June 25th. I 771. 
 
 N U M ^3 E R XLVI. 
 
 PATRIOTISM. Jn Ode. 
 I. 
 
 WHEN generous Greece, in virtue bold, 
 Difdaiiied the Peifian power and gold, 
 She formed a facred band ; 
 Philofophy, her foldiers chavm'd, 
 In freedom's caufe her heroes arm'd, 
 ,^ To (hield their native land. 
 
 II. 
 
 Not fuch the zealots of our days, 
 Who cringe for hire, revile or praife, 
 
 And yet for patriots paik I 
 So -the falfe PrufEan clips and colns^ 
 From Dantzig's fterling gold purloins, 
 
 Then circulates his brafs ! 
 
 III.
 
 The B A T C H £ L O R. 265 
 
 III. 
 
 W'aat mnfe car. fing that changelings nicks, 
 Renown'd ior (hallow politics ? 
 
 Pledg'd both to ''oe and friend : 
 Yet he can lead he venal throng. 
 With pron'.ifes entic'd along. 
 
 On which ihe dupes depend ! 
 
 IV. 
 
 Thus, a mean quack by chyinic oils, 
 Norv/egia's hungry vermin foiis. 
 
 Without the aid or cheefe ; 
 The [cent alone attrafts theiu round. 
 They feem to tread on magic ground, 
 
 And truft the infidious breeze. 
 
 V. 
 
 Thy rhetoric, Fl — d, can I rehearfe. 
 And paint dillortion in my verfe. 
 
 Of tumid periods fcan ? 
 You foar aloft in bombaft phrafe, 
 Whihl Ch — le — nt with aukward gaze, 
 
 Admires the wonderous man. 
 
 VI- 
 
 Thy aim, to tire, retard, perplex. 
 By ca'umny to (lain- or vex, 
 
 Uugratetully upbraiding ; 
 On your old frit^nds to fling difgrace, 
 For without penfion, or a place. 
 
 You're Satan viewing Eden. 
 
 VJ.
 
 264 ^'he BATCHELOR. 
 
 VII. 
 
 With jaundic'd envy deeply fmit, 
 Like Hutchinfon, you'd fhine in wit, 
 
 But fli'gglfli fancy halts ; 
 Flat, when you change your ul'ual key ; 
 So niids arifing from the fea, 
 
 Evaporate their falts. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 See G rid ne fequeftered, dull, 
 
 Of his high lineage vainly full, 
 
 And buoyed with empty pride : 
 A Satrap, fit iox Jiars and ilate. 
 As Mordeccai, raifed frotn the gate, 
 
 In royal pomp to ride. 
 
 IX. 
 
 In corporation trappings gay, 
 
 The M fs fuie deferves my lay, 
 
 And claims diftinguifhed place . 
 He'll ne'er eclipfe a father's famCf 
 In wit and worth fo much the fame, 
 
 We fcarce fhall mifs his grace. 
 
 X. 
 
 Heavens ! how reduced that antient line, 
 Who in Hibeinia's annals (hine, 
 
 Renown'd at Brefny's t":c!d ; 
 Vv'hen Raymond led the gallant train. 
 And awe-ftruck Aldem, viewed the plain, 
 
 Blaze with the kindered fiiield !* 
 » Vide Liitleton'b hillory, vol. 3. page z8o 
 
 XI.
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 26« 
 
 xr. 
 
 Can the degenerate fons afpire, 
 To emulate their noble lire, 
 
 Intrepid, great, and free ? 
 They boaft: a Raymond's blood indeed ! 
 So the cart xzzqx, fallen in fpeed, 
 
 Is puff'd by pedigree. 
 
 XII. 
 
 See patriot landlords thin the foil. 
 Forgetful of the bloody toil, 
 
 Which made a tyrant bow : 
 Ulfter, both James and Lewis braved ,' 
 That land the father's valour faved, 
 
 The fun's forbid to plough, 
 
 XIII. 
 
 Shall induftry opprelfion fetl. 
 And throw afide her bufy wheel. 
 
 To feek Ofwego's gloom ? 
 Kis cot and babes the weaver flies, 
 No more the pointed (huttle plys, 
 
 Tho' Britain bribes our loom ! 
 
 XIV. 
 
 Where ariflocracy prevails, 
 juftice refi^ns her ballanc'd fcales. 
 
 And fhuns the haled fhore ; 
 'Till one bold fpirit breaks the chain. 
 He blafts the venal junto's reign, 
 
 And tyranny's no more. 
 
 i'^ - XV.
 
 a66 The B x\ T C H E L O R. 
 
 XV. 
 
 Hence, liberty's difFufed around, 
 Eletlors caich his jovous found : 
 
 *' Let vile depend.^:;ce ceafe ; 
 <* On change ot ftn.rea iieedom waits, 
 y When mtnibers hold their purchcis'd feats, 
 
 *' Short as their tenants /eafe." 
 
 XVI. 
 
 Jobbers no more our trcafures \vafte> 
 No more each petty rvrant's taflie, 
 
 Can ufeful proji;ds fniothjr : 
 In vain the anxious llatefman toil'd, 
 •—The hay-rope's end in vain we coil'd, 
 
 While afles nip'd the other. 
 
 XVII. 
 
 Already, commerce waits the gale, 
 From the new world expands her (ail, 
 
 To make our ports her boaft.' 
 The Englifh merchant jealous fees 
 Our ftreamers catch the weftern breexe, 
 
 Nor touch Britannia's coall .' 
 
 xviir. 
 
 Thefe bounties ToA-nfliend's hand bedowe^, 
 To whom capricious Albion r.wts, 
 
 Her peafant:> train'd to fight ; 
 For he beheld with juft dililain, 
 Importei. GeriDans crowd her plain, 
 
 To guard a Briton's right ! 
 
 XIX.
 
 The B A T C H E L OR. 267 
 
 XIX. 
 
 l.et faftion roar, and patriots rail. 
 Their venoin'd arrows may aflail. 
 
 But never wound his bieatl : 
 Unnoticed, dull inveftive lyes, 
 A mere Ephemeron it dyes, 
 
 Or but provokes a jeft. 
 
 XX. 
 
 The Ephori thus indignant fmil'd, 
 When drunken Chians has denl'd 
 
 The magifterial chair j 
 Thro' fober Sparta they proclaim, 
 ♦' That men ber.-ft of fenfe and (hame 
 
 " Were iafe, and guiltlefs there." 
 
 Q 
 
 N U M B E R XL VII. 
 
 Ut pidura pocfls. 
 
 HoR. 
 
 7o Jeoffry Wagstafpe, Efq. 
 
 SI R, 
 
 LAST night I happened to call on a ccrta'n 
 great man not far from the Callle, and bt-iig 
 introduced into a room to wait till he was at kiruce 
 to f^e me, I amufed n^/felf by looking eve"' Unu3 
 books and papers which I Tjund ic.iilertd ,'bo>: -oa 
 N 2 .1 green
 
 16% The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 a green table. In turning over the lutter, I found 
 thQ notes which 1 fend you : the)' Ibcm to be wrote 
 in hafte, and in fonie places are fcarce legible ; 
 but 'lis plain they are intended as flietches of dcligns, 
 v/hich are to be filled up at leifure. — Taey put me 
 in mind of that anecdote which is recorded of the 
 Roman Emperor, in whofe clofet (after his death) 
 was found a lill of fenators, and other obnoxious 
 perfons, with marks to each name, as memoranda 
 of the time and manner in which they were to be 
 executed At firft T hud fome little fcruplc ab to the 
 propriety of publilhing 9 paper, of which I got pof- 
 fefiion by the means 1 have mentioned, without the 
 confent or knowledge of the owner ; but on con- 
 fidering the manner in which the great peifon's name 
 and charaQer is every day treated in the public 
 papers, 1 find he is not intitled to ihc benefit of 
 thofe laws and principles, by which ether members 
 of the community are protetted ; and no dealing 
 can be unfair with an highwayman, or a Lord 
 Lieutenant. 
 
 And am, fir, yours, Src, 
 
 R. G. 
 
 1. Mr. F. in the habit of a kettle-drummer, 
 riding on Mr P. in the fiiape of an afs. 
 
 2. Mr. F. mounted on the box, driving a ftage- 
 coach, with Mr. P— nf— by in the cradle. 
 
 -i. The D. of L. in his robes, examining the 
 ducal coronets painted on his bomb-carts and wheel- 
 banowb. 
 
 .. D r
 
 The B A T C II E L O R. 269 
 
 4. D r C- ts, with a horn-book in his 
 
 lund, teaching his noble colleague the M. of K. 
 his Ic'aers. 
 
 5. C — n — r F — z — ns, Tn the drcfj of a mendi- 
 cant, i'ryar, preaching a funeral feniion. 
 
 6. C — n — r H — ! — n, in the charaiSter of a fex^- 
 ton, tolliii^^ a muflliid bell. 
 
 7. Mr. B-rch with a pair of fcalcs inhis hand, 
 weighing the reiolurion of the Coinir.ons in the. 
 year 1754» agalntl a bank-note of five pounds. 
 
 8. W ~ B gh, Efq; in the chara6ler 
 
 of the execuli'ner who cut off K. Charles's 
 head. 
 
 g. B — ry M — x — 11, Efq; (in the chara6ler of 
 Dennoflhenes) rehearfing his fpeech, with a hot po-^ 
 tatoe in his mouth, inllead of pebbles. 
 
 lo. D — n — s D !y, Efq; in the chara£ler of 
 
 Milcon'.^ cherub, rebuking S.\tan. 
 
 It. Right hon. Antony Malone, Efq; holding 
 up the lullre in the Houfe of Commons. 
 
 \2- Apollo and the Gracer,, prefenting the 
 Fiir,;e Serjeant with a ne-w edition of Coke upon 
 Littleton, and the statutes at large. 
 
 13. His Excellency Lord TownHiend in the 
 
 character of a Legiflator, cfT- ring the Oflennia! and 
 
 Abfentee-biils, a bounty on Iiiih linen, &c. &c. 
 
 N 3 to
 
 270 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 to the people, — ivho Jet up the IriJJj cry. 
 
 14. Cnunfellor Scott with Blackftone in one 
 hard, and Congrcve in the other. — Tlic back ground 
 of the picture exhibits a perfpcdive view of DoQor 
 Achnicl's baths. 
 
 15. Mr. P — r— y in his rohe"5, feated In (he 
 fpeaker's chnir, and Mr. P — nf — by in the chara^ler 
 of a door-keeper. 
 
 1-5 G — n — ! G — fl) — ne in the charaiFler of a 
 Rot!!3n coiiful, harranguing his army before an en- 
 gage me ijt 
 
 1 7. -Sir K-- — re B — r — ws in the ch.tra(Sler of 
 'Squire Boohy-i marrying Pamela. 
 
 18. Tiie h.r«; jf H. L. R -y, Efq; painted 
 
 at the rcqueil of the" Kirk of Scotland, as a fron- 
 tifpiece to the Laiiicnti.a'jns of Jertniiah the Pro- 
 phet. 
 
 10. S"r J ■£ C -Id — 11 with a bee-hive on 
 
 bis bcati fmging the ballaCt of the Poor Blind Boy to 
 the Dublin Society. 
 
 20. Lord M — ng — n> fetting the Ode on Lord 
 B — m — t's inftal!ation, 10 cufic. 
 
 21. Sir W — 11 — ;n T • ne, throwing a box 
 
 of Scotch fn'jit into t'e lord mayor and aldermen's 
 eyes, juft as they are go;.;g to fign bis city leafe. 
 
 22. Sir
 
 The B A TC HELOR. 271 
 
 22. Sir L- '"«« s O'B n in the charatSter of 
 
 S'lenus, hung mund with leaden pints, qua-t , and 
 ne'w excife gallons, aftiide en a bee:- barrel, diinking 
 fuccefs to the King's revenue in taplafli. 
 
 23. L. V. M — nt — s, delivering to his bookreHer 
 Cicero de Oiatore, and the laft trealile on oulloas, 
 to be bound together. 
 
 24- Lord B s, expounding the church cate- 
 
 chifm to his family, and fcratchijig out the eighth, 
 commandment. 
 
 25. An emblematical figure of Mr. P- by's 
 
 profejjed moderation, exhibited in the pv;U;ait ,of 
 
 C — V- — 1 M re,waiiirg at the uoo ^: the II — (e 
 
 of C ns, (in a f.rait ivaijicoa!) lo g''--^ . 
 
 vote, but prevented by his keeper. 
 
 26- Fryar John, in the character ^f 
 facrificing little J — if — s, his fon-i;. 'avi , 
 of popularity, v/iih an angei ivii-. 
 knife, and pointing n a Lufh ii' 
 bi/liop is entangled. 
 
 27. The ^ame, in the chu 
 Bru'ius, conc'citr'ins i^is Ion tv tit r . 
 before tae CACCuJ'^n. 
 
 28. Lord I. 1 dan:'n 
 
 praCV.fiDg to VviCpa. '.'u 
 
 a while hanukciChc; :• 
 
 29- J ^'^-R-l' 
 
 licking "ly L — do .., ..i.. 
 
 N A
 
 272 The B A T C II E L O R. 
 
 30. Lord S n dircfliiig his followers to vot 
 
 agiiinft penfions, and figning a receipt tor the arrears 
 of his own, due the day that Jeremiah Dyfon's was 
 lb uck off. 
 
 31. The rev. Dr. B -ws, explaining the 
 
 revelation of St. John to his pupil, and ftealing the 
 Woman of Plealure into the pocket of the young 
 gentleman's fifter. 
 
 32. His Excellency L— d T d on the hill 
 
 of Howth, caracaturing Sir W. M — ne, and his patii- 
 utic band, on their return to England, auiidll the 
 groans of a defponding city. 
 
 33. A portrait of L — d H th, prefenting an 
 
 oyfter, to his Excellency, to confole him in the gene- 
 ral calamity. 
 
 34. Mr. F d, giving a clyfter of calve's 
 
 head foup to A. R in, Efq; to enable him to fit 
 
 cut a long debate in the H. of C ns : the E. of 
 
 C 1, Sir E. N m, and Sir L. O'B n, 
 
 in the back ground, waiting to kifs him after the 
 operation. 
 
 Y. Z. 
 
 N U IvI-
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 273 
 
 N U M B E R XLVIII. 
 
 Extrad of a letter from Slocktolni, fune 30. 
 
 A feiv days ago a 'very extraordhuiry occurence hap- 
 pened here. A Firdandman brought a Jhif load of 
 ivood to [til in this caf itol ; and a difpute arifmg 
 het-iijeen him and one of the foldiers upon guard, in 
 i'-bich the latter thi~eatened violence, and uttered 
 the hitterefl execrations-, the Finlandman, flily ta- 
 king an herb out of his pouch, rubbed it in a 'violent 
 manner ouer the jatvs and mouth of the foldier, 
 ivho thereupon ivas inftantly flrucken dumb. The 
 affair came before a civil court of judicature. The 
 court not deeming this 'violent, though natural jnode 
 of doing rjne\^ ftlf jufiice, and not firidly juflifiahle, 
 iVere going io pafs fentence on him j but the Fin- 
 landman begged he might be heard a feiv ivords. 
 This requfl being granted, the honefl Finlaridman - 
 replied, that, had he totally depri'ved the foldier of 
 his ufe of fpeech, he luould not pretend to jufify 
 his cujn conduH, but as the herb luhich he had 
 made ufe of, occaftoned only a tomporary depri-vati~ 
 on of fpeech, and the poiver of that herb mioht be : 
 counteracled in half a minuted time-, by the applica- 
 tion of another herb, 'which he had then in his pockety 
 he hoped the judges 'would releafe him, on comlition ■ 
 of his reforing the foldier to the ufe of his fpeech,. 
 This reijueli being alfo granted, the Finlandfnan ap- 
 plied the antidotal herb to the foldier'' s mouth, and 
 the duriik man infantly recovered his fpeech. 
 
 Froin tl:e E n g t.. 1 s h P a ;• 7 r s; 
 N c
 
 •274 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 7o Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. 
 
 SI R, 
 
 I A M reduced to the cruel neceffity of addrcfllng 
 inyielf to you, Mr. Wagftaffe, on a moll: impor- 
 tant fuhj:-£t, as the Conuivitee of the Free-prefs 
 have deferted the caufe of liberty and their country, 
 itnd inftead of fcourgin^ran arbitrary Vice-Roy, and 
 his venal dependents, frighten the tender-hearted la- 
 dies into fits by their tremendous rod. LallTuefday, 
 a Cabinet Council was held um!er a pretence of 
 ilTuin^a proclamation obliging all (l.ips f.omRuflia to 
 perform quaraniine, but the true intent oi that ca- 
 bal was to ftrike at the 'very •vitals of our conjiitution 
 by a dire£l attack on the freedom of — Speech ! The 
 cruel and tyranical Sancho, not content with fapping 
 the foundation of liberty by his two odious boards 
 of Excife and Accounts, has deviled a fcheme to 
 render parliaments ufelefs ; and to luin and impove- 
 rifli this unfoitunate country, without either a uni- 
 on or land tax. — Yes, Mr Wagilaffe, with tears I 
 inform you, that a fpecial meffenger is difpatced for 
 the Dfilecarlian peajunt ; thofe two public defaul- 
 ters, Mr. CI nts and Sir H y C — vd — ft, 
 
 notwilhilanding the etnptinefs of the treafury, have 
 found means to furnifn io,oool. to bribe the North- 
 ern Goth to import a large quantity of his benumb- 
 ing herb agaii.ll: the opening of the next fellion. The 
 houfe will be furrou;idcd with foldiers as it was the 
 26th of February 1770, and Sawney Cunlgambo 
 the S/thlan, has already received a commillion, un- 
 der the preat Leal, commanding and authorizing him 
 to rub the mouth of every patriot, the moment he 
 fays A diirefpeaful wcid of adminiitiation — Me- 
 
 thinks,
 
 The B A T C II E L O R. 275 
 
 thinks, I now fee our generous patriots tbuggling ia 
 the hands of a raw-boned Scot, aiid making as ma- 
 ny wry faces, as poor Gulliver in Biobdignag, when 
 he was crammed by the Monkey. To prevent all 
 oppofiiion, Sir Richrd Johnfton, who has figna- 
 lized himfelf by fupprelling thofe fons of fieedom, 
 the Hearts of Steel, is to attend at the bar of the 
 houfe with a chofen party of light infantry to affifl: 
 Cunigambo on the leaft lefil^ance. 
 
 Let me peifuade you, my deareft coimtrymen, at 
 this critical juncture, to form a fpirlted affociaiioa 
 to preferve us from flavery and opprcjhon. To 
 roufe your flumbering virtue, 1 (hall paint to your 
 imaginations foiue of our moft celebiaied patriots 
 actually fuffering under the facrllegious han J;; of the 
 
 barbarous Scot -^ — het us tlen fuopofe Ai.. /" d 
 
 addrcHlng the houfe in thi- fublime llr 't of elo- 
 quence, '* / "luiU difpel e'very fljade of darknefs hy 
 "• an inundation of light. The namelefi vermin tnat 
 " court funfhine quickens in the flime of 'veralily 
 •' (hall t'.embie. They will foon find that tiie fune 
 " influence, which produced, will deftroy them ; 
 " when the moiilure of that dirt in which they 
 " crawl, ia a iitt'e farther exhaled, they find it 
 *' ftiffenirg about them: They will firft be depriv- 
 **- ed of motion, then of life, ^nd the next gale will 
 " fweep theui away with the dull in whicn they 
 ♦' perli'hed." \_Fide Irijh pnrliaJtientary. debates, 
 vol. iH- p- 35 ] 
 
 Here, Sir, he wil' beinterrnpted, (and on the At- 
 torney General's giving a lignal) deiiverea over to the- 
 hands of the executioner. — See the fatal herb rub- 
 bed on his lip — he tremUles" — turns paJe — ^ahio '. r 
 ■KilVei.ny C.m(.llhe;ei is dui-:'^-— Yet ^iH 'v.- 
 h^uvliUV ar-kl ui\;nii.c'-:. liuifjii (;£ , ;v
 
 276 The B ATCHELOR. 
 
 jng faces at them., for lie is yet mafter of that figure 
 ot rhetoric, and like the taylor's wife on the duck- 
 ing ftooll, is fatirical by his geflures, thou;:;h depriv- 
 ed of the power of fpeech. — In agonies of defpair I 
 fee him gently carried out of the houfe, by his two 
 
 faithful friends, the M fs "of K e and Mr. 
 
 H y. 
 
 , Obferve that veteran patriot, J — n F — tz ns, 
 
 interrupted in the midlt of his harangue, whilfl; he 
 thus expatiates on the grievances of his countiy. 
 '* Here, Sir, I have made it evident, that if tliere 
 " fliould be an excelllve drain of our current fpe- 
 *' cie, there will be a fcarcity of cafh — add now, 
 "■ Sir, if there is a fcarcity of gold — this in its 
 <' confequence will occafion a fcarcity of filver — 
 " and if this fhould happen — there will be an 
 " interruption of trade. — Now, Sir, — by an inter- 
 " ruplion of trade — the circulation of cafh will be" 
 " checked. — And here. Sir, — the manufailurer 
 *' and tradefiiian will be difttefTcd — becaufe it will 
 " be impolhble to find , employment for thein, if 
 *' there is no demand for manufadures. — And no 
 " money 10 purchafe them — there can be none 
 *' fold. — Herc> Sir, we are at prefent reduced to 
 " this fituation by the oppreihve and unconllituiio- 
 •* nal meafures of government." — But alas ! Old 
 Tifdalowitz gives the latal figr.al — the poyfon is 
 applied — and Father John is conveyed off, crojjing 
 
 himfelf, in the arms of Meffrs. R — w y and 
 
 LeH te. 
 
 Whilft Sir L s O'B — n is pointing his faceti- 
 ous farcafms at the court, his lips will be clofed. — ■ 
 Some venal placemen recommend a good underflund- 
 ing ttiween G.eat Biliain and I.e!and, which the 
 ^>ilty baronet will aarvver in tbefe word.— " Sir, I 
 
 am
 
 The B ATC HEL OR. 277 
 
 ** am furprized, to hear that honourable gentleman 
 " recommend a good under Jinndifig between the 
 *' two ki;igdoms — Sir, I fay there is no foundati- 
 *' on for a good under-fJanding between them — 
 *' for, fir, the fea is Letiveen them. He, he, he, — 
 " and therefore there cannot be a good iinder-jland- 
 " /;?_g between them. He, he, he."* The po- 
 litical conjuror waves his wand, Cunigambo ap- 
 proaches. Perhaps C — nf — r S — tt may move for an 
 arreft of judgment, by fhewlng the innocency and 
 milkinefs of the baronet's fatire : — But Black Phil, 
 is inexoiab'e ; and this remnant of Irifh royalty 13 
 carried off" (fimpering at his own joke) in the arms 
 of iVIeir. O'H a and F tzg d. 
 
 Again, Mr. WagftatFe, let us contemplate little 
 Will. B — gh, acquainting the houfe in a fpirited ha- 
 rangue, " That after infinite pains and labour, he 
 " had difcovered that the identical Oliver Plunket, 
 *' Prelbiterian teacher, and one of the Committee 
 " of the Free-Prefs, was lineally defcended from 
 •' the executioner who beheaded that tyrant Char- 
 " les the Ift. and therefore, as a reward for that 
 " fuhjiantial a£l of jujlice, performed by Plunket's 
 " glorious anceflor, he moved the houfe that they 
 " might addrefs his Excellency to create him&Bi- 
 " fhop, as foon as the rev. Mr. Carr, their chaplain, 
 " was provided for." — Inftantly the wand is waved, 
 — Cunigambo approaches cautioufly, — Sir Richard 
 marches from the bar with his myrmidons, and, after 
 a defpeiate refiftance, little Will, fubmits to his fate, 
 
 and is carried off by Mr. C — m — r and B y 
 
 M— X— 11. 
 
 • This was the Knight of Clare's wit, at the Lord-May- 
 or's table, when the toalt was — a good underflanding between 
 G. Britain and Ireland. 
 
 Eut
 
 278 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 But let us, with the deepefl affli£tion, reflect on the 
 cruel treatment Mr. P — nf — by receives, even when 
 he apologizes for the arbitrary conduft of the Vice- 
 roy. •' For my part, fir, and upon my honour, an 
 " aflertion, fir, which Is facred to me, and which 
 " I never forfeited on any occafion, I have the 
 " greateft perlunal eflecm for his Excellency the 
 *' Lord Lieutenant. — Sir, I am not prejudiced againft 
 ** government — I am always inclined to ferve it — 
 " nothing but the good of my country could make 
 *' me oppofe his Majell:y's meafures — to whom I 
 •' and my family confefs their obligntions. Sir, 
 *' though the Lord Lieutenant has come from a 
 *' country which produced a race of tyrants, for, 
 ** as I am informed, William the Conqueror came 
 *' from Norfolk, yet I am perfuaded he never meant 
 *' to prejudice this country. I have heard, and up- 
 *' on my honour I believe it, that he kept as good 
 *' a pack of fox-hcirnds as any in England, and 
 *' always rode fair — excellent quali.fications for a po- 
 *' litician ! — I fpeak from experience, fir, and with- 
 *' out partiality or afFcction. Though I have been dif- 
 *' miffed from my employments for my fincerity and 
 
 *• plain dealing, yet 1 lolemnly acquit Lord T nd 
 
 ♦* of all aft or part therein ; however, fir, the np- 
 ** probation of my confcience is a better rev. ard 
 *' than place, title, or penfion, which I am tlcter- 
 " mined never to accept of. I always atted with the 
 *' grtf.teu. cecononiy and integrity, and made the ho- 
 '* neft management and encreafe of the revenue my 
 *' principal lludy. — As Speaker, my impartiality in 
 " the chair, efpecially in all contcfted eledions, is 
 '* fo notorious, that I appeal to that right hon, 
 *' fervant of the crown, Mr. Attorney Gcncia! ; let 
 " him (late my conduct on the Ardee eleftioiv, ?nd 
 ♦' that Ci the county o. Gilv.'a)." — ■- — •.A1.^^ fu •
 
 'Ihe B A T C H E L O R. 279 
 
 in fiead of ananfwer, the ftate inquifitor rifes, de- 
 livers /jm over to the fecular arm, and honeft Jack 
 
 p_nr_y is carried off by Mr. B ch and Mr. 
 
 T — n — m. 
 
 The faculties of that confumate orator and fteady 
 patiot fir E d N m, may be tor- 
 pedoed by th!S wicked weed, before he has half 
 delivered the following abftrad of his fenrinier.ts. 
 «* The time, fir, is now come, when it is the duty 
 *♦ ul every man to fpeah out for the public ; corrup- 
 *' tion and venility have pervaded evciy part of the 
 ♦' conftitution, and it has at laR reached even to the 
 '• membeis of this auguil affembly. How difFeient, 
 *' fir, is this affembiy now, from what it was in the 
 
 ♦' time when my friend and adniirer Mr. P- — y 
 
 *' governed it, or from the parliament men of antient 
 *' Rome and Greece, when the tyrant Brennus 
 ** trembled at their inexorable countenances giving 
 *' judgment in the forum, when they expeded to 
 ♦* have their throats cut by the invading tjrants of 
 «* their liberty, and their facied aras and deareft 
 " focufefs. 'Tis not his facred majefty we are to 
 *' blame for it, but his wicked repiefentative. That 
 *' reprefentative, fir, if he ha.s but the king's com- 
 " mands, and the law of his fide, will conrtitutea 
 «* Board of more CommiiTioners than ever we 
 •• thought of, if the members of this Houfe won't 
 «< do the public bufmefs v/ithout it : For does it not 
 «« appear, that he dares to do any thing .'' Has he 
 " not dared to turn me out of my office, though 
 . ** I purchafed it with money which was moic dear 
 *' to me as a patriot, becaufe 1 had no right to it ? 
 " I will venture to fay, fir, that he is more degene- 
 " rate and dangerous to Ireland, than ilxtfoiiyfve 
 " Spartan tyrants v/e read of in antient hiltory. Be- 
 " fore I loft rry place, no man could t;II what I 
 
 *' iii.ivat
 
 28o The B A T C n E L O R. 
 
 " meant by oppofing government ; but how could it 
 " be doubteii, that i meant to have my office giv- 
 " en to another, when I fo loudly and repeatedly 
 
 *' laid in full p 1, it was a paltry office, that I 
 
 *' did not vvilue it of the dirt under my feet, and that 
 " I dclied the crown to deprive me of it. Suppof- 
 " ing, fir, that I afked, before 1 fpokc, all my ac- 
 " quointance who I thought were in the fccrets of 
 " the caClle, whether if I oppofed ftrongly, L — d 
 
 *' T d would get a body turned out for it ; did 
 
 •' 1 not (hew the circunifpedion of an o'^ior, 
 " without which, that old Roman, Plutarch, fays, 
 " that an orator is no more than figs upon a trench'-* 
 " er, or my breech in a band box. But, fir, though 
 " the crown has loft a revenue officer, the public 
 *' and my friends at Kiimainham, fhall not lofe an 
 ♦', aftive and intrepid juftice of peace. I am ftill 
 " ready to ride at the head of the troop?, if the mob 
 " throw down the walls of the governor's fields at 
 " thehofpital, and General Dilkes may again fleep 
 " in peace, and without fear from the danger. If 
 " Jack the Batchelor was not dead, I'd offer to go 
 " againft him, and dellroy that finuggler, as Pompey 
 ♦' did the pirates. If 1 am fent for to the North, 
 " I'll head the forces under Col. Patterfon, as I once 
 •' offered to coiiiiuand the corps of Drogheda on 
 ♦* that defperate fervice ; 1 will write another epi- 
 " gram with notes more pungent than the- former, 
 " againft Mr. S — n. Col. F — r, and Capt. j — ph- 
 " — n. I will publifh it again in the Hibernian 
 ♦' Journal, and if what I fay againft them is not be- 
 •« lieved by the reader, I will make oath before iny- 
 " felf, of the truth, as I did once of my having Vam 
 *' in my hand, when fonie incredulous ladies feeni- 
 " ed to doubt my veracity. Tbefe, fir, are my 
 «< merits, and my reward is greater than my fufter- 
 " ires J for every traveller on the road to Munftcr,
 
 The B A T C HELOR. 2S1 
 
 *' fhall read my name in conjuntElton with that glo- 
 *' rious word liberty at Kihnainham ; my health fhali 
 " be the laft that Ihall be drunk within fight of 
 " our flourifhing metropolis, and every perfon who 
 *' rides from the new road to the Phoenix, (hall fee 
 
 •' the face of N m, not afliamed to fhev/ itfelf 
 
 " on thofe fymbois of patriotifm, the fign-polls. 
 " I (hall be remembered as a patriot, when the fcrib- 
 *' lers of the Batchelor, are gone to the jails which 
 ** are now gaping for them, and to which I fhall 
 " be always ready to conduct and comniit them." — ■ 
 The noble frenzy beginning to blaze to a height 
 that might be fatal to tyranny ; — the old Magus 
 Cghs to have this Curtius of popularity ftruckdumb, 
 and when the weed touches his lips, Mr. Jofcph 
 
 D — e, and Sir William M e, bear him off, ilill 
 
 ftrugling in the convulfions of liberty, 
 
 I fhall conclude, Mr. Wagftaffe, with a ferious 
 addrefs to my countrymen, to reflect coolly on the 
 calamities which threaten this devoted nation Let 
 the fcattered and patriotic membeis afTemble — let 
 them appoint deputies to fupplicate his majefty, and 
 deprecate the vengeance of the inccnfed Sancho. 
 Though they may be lidiculed by court fcriblers, and 
 though boys may be hired to follow them in the ftreets 
 with potatoes fixed on the end of flicks; though 
 they fhouW be called the potatoe ambafTadors, * (as 
 they once were on a fimiliar occafion) yet let tLera 
 perfevere, and cry uut. 
 
 M'''ekot7ie, for thee, fair Virtue, all the pafl / 
 For thee., fair Virtue, ivelconie e<vn the laji / 
 If this fcheme fhould he difapproved, let them, 
 raife fubfcriptions, and bribe the Delncarlian peafant 
 to difcover'his c.untet a6ling herb, which will ini- 
 * Dalrymple's Memoirs. 
 
 mediately
 
 282 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 mediately cure the afflifled fenators. Probably the 
 peafant will a6t like an unprejudiced lawyer, and 
 take a fee from both fides. L — nft — r-h — fe may 
 be the appointed hofpital for the patients reception; 
 and as foon as they are recovered, they may take 
 their feats again. By this means the antidote may be 
 adminiftered as often as the poifon : On the fame 
 principles, the JVIiddlefex eleflors returned Mr. Wilkes 
 after every expulfion — To raife an immediate /uf>/ly, 
 to anfer thefe falutary purpofes, I make no doubt 
 
 but the M. ofK re, and the reft of the public 
 
 fpirited committee, would advance the lafge fum in 
 their hands, for erecting a monument to the great 
 patriot Doftor Lucas, which may be replaced at a 
 more convenient opportunity. There can be no rea- 
 fonable objedlion urged againft th-3, for the Romans 
 were permitted to expend ihsfacred treafures depo- 
 fitcd in the Capitol, on an invafion of the Gauls ;— • 
 and thus, Mr. WagftafFe, by imitating that noble 
 precedent, " The phoenix of freedom may arlfe, frora 
 *^ the aflies of the Doctor, to animate my degene- 
 ♦* rate countrymen." — [VicUyan addrejs of thanks to th^ 
 freeholders of Ennifcorthy.'\ 
 
 I am fir, yours, 
 Y. Z. 
 
 NUMBER XLIX. * 
 
 RESi^ECT for the genius of RonfTeau, and 
 veneration for his character, firll led me to 
 feek his acquaintance, and to cultivate his friend- 
 fiiip : we met like men whofe fouls had fomething 
 
 * This was wiiiten in the charafler of David Hume, in an- 
 fwer to a letter %ned Jean Jacques Rouileau, v.'hicli appeared 
 ja the Freetn&n. 
 
 conjenial
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 283 
 
 congenial, and a name in the republic of ieiters 
 abridged the forms of introdu'iion, and ferved as a 
 link to that kind of intercourfe which fubfifts be- 
 tween men, unincumbered by the clogs of the world, 
 and the flavifh (hackles of intereft and felfifhnefs. 
 We had called ourfelves Philofophers, and as fuch 
 we were received by thofe, who did not give them- 
 felves the trouble of examining into the nght by 
 which we became our own fponfors Tn return for 
 this complaifance, I thought niyfelf bound to con- 
 form to the world, where it did not interfere with my 
 happinefs, or require a facrifice of my principles ; 
 and when I failed to reform abufes, or to redify 
 errors, I fat down contented with the endeavour, 
 and wifned more (kill, and better fuccefs to my 
 fellow labourers in the fame undertaking. The 
 citizen of Geneva I foon found was of a very di(Fe- 
 rent complexion : an ardeni thirft for pre-eminence 
 in fcserice ; a prurient vanity, difguifed under the 
 affedlation of much fnnplicity and plainefs ; an under- 
 ftanding too fubtle to be convinced ; and a temper 
 too irritable to be at peace, made him jealous, 
 difcontented, and uncomfortable. The intimacy which 
 enfued between us, left me no room to doubt that he 
 (hunned fociety, not fo m.uch to indulge contem.plation, 
 as to efcape a fcrutiny, which would reduce him to 
 the level of that herd from which he had retired, 
 Hcteroclite opinions, and the fingularity of feftaries, 
 were furs of his countenance ; his v/as a perfecuti- 
 on of eftablifnments, and to fnake the foundation of 
 fy items, confirmed by comp'ft and prefcription, was 
 bis principle purfuit, his favourite plealure, and his 
 ultimate ambition. A retrofpeft to the caufe of his 
 alienation from me, (which became afterwards a fub- 
 je£i for the tables, and the news-papers of London,) 
 gives me no uneaunefs. Though his mifantrophy 
 
 rudely
 
 284 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 rudely turned back the ftreain of my benevolence 
 on the fource from whence it firft proceeded, yet it 
 has ftill enough of vigour remaining to flow towards 
 him in the fame gentle and temperate current j and 
 if he will not ufe its waters to wafh away the ftains 
 of prejudice, let them ferve as a mirror, where he 
 may contemplate the incongruity of philofophy with 
 fadtion ; and of profelllons of good will to mankind 
 in general ; with rancorous inveftives againll inno- 
 cent, and refped.ible individuals. 
 
 " The hiftory," he fays, " of the Englilli nation,. 
 " firft induced him to feek a refuge among the fons 
 " of freedom, as he thought them ; and iny mif- 
 *' leprej'entations contributed to the captiz'ating er- 
 " >o/-." — That is, I have in my hiftory reprefented 
 the people of England as a free people — my pages 
 contain all the information I could colleiJt on that 
 important fubjedt, and my idea? of the Britifli con- 
 ftition arife from the fum of that information. So 
 far then, as I have endeavoured to explain 10 my 
 countrym.en their right to liberty, I am certainly a 
 friend to freedom. " Yet Hume," he fays, ♦* is the 
 " miflionary of corruption, and applauds the political 
 *' ethicks which himfelf infpired." — The very re- 
 verfe of his premifes will lead to his conclufion. 
 Had he gathered from my writings that Britain had 
 no juft claim to freedom, that every circumfcription 
 of monarchy was an innovation, every extenfion of 
 the fuhje£ts privileges, an encroachment on the 
 royal prerogative, well might this friend to the natu- 
 ral rights of mankind, have called the ailjitrary 
 hiftorian a nu'lTionary of corruption. What does the 
 mifanthrope mean ? Js it that my converfation and 
 exaraple are pernicious, and have a more extenfive 
 influence than my litterary labours? Tlie fuppofitiou 
 
 is
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 285 
 
 isabfcrd; and yet without this abrutdity, I know 
 not how to coliefc a propofition trom his inconfii\enC 
 rhapfody. 
 
 Let me now confider his argument on a rubje<5l Co 
 ofttn cifcuiTed in the parliament of Ireland, and in 
 the fugitive publications of' that country. It is im- 
 mediately palpable from what political Mentor, the 
 Philosopher of the Alps, has imbibed his doc- 
 trines of the jiilh conftitution. The fcntiments in his 
 letter are an abftrafl of that fenators tenets, whofe 
 capacity and perfeverance h^ive raifed him tar above 
 his competitors in the ftriie of oppofiuon. That 
 orator has often perplexed the wife, and aftonifned 
 the ignorant, with fine-fpun fophiftries on this his 
 favour'te lopic ; and it is not the meaneft of his tri- 
 umphs, that his rhetoric has roufed the harraiTed 
 Rouffeau again to buckle on his armour, and enter 
 the lifts of controvcrfy in the caufe of error. It 
 ftiall be my endeavour to (hew him he is deluded by 
 a phantom j and it will be his duty to thank me for 
 the vlifcovery. 
 
 In reafoning on all conflitutlonal qut ftions, we 
 ought to confidei v/hat the conRitution and the laws 
 are ; rot what we lu'tflj them to be, or wliat we think 
 they 'yug' t to be ; otherwife, we fubft tute fpeculati- 
 on or reality, and the leveriesof every vifionary re- 
 former, ibr the fubflanriil fds v/hich hold nations in 
 obedi<.nce to leg'fiiitive authoiity, fmce by that 
 coercion the great end of ail civil inftitutions is pro- 
 moted, and the frame of government preltrved in 
 harmony and good order. 
 
 He alFcrts that the coinnions of Ireland, only have 
 a right to propound and model bills of fupplv ; that 
 the crown of England has snly ^ vcgati-e on fuch 
 bills, and that it has no po^er to ahtr them. As a 
 
 friend
 
 286 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 friend to the immunities of a generous and loyal 
 people, I am forry to inform him that many laws 
 niufl be abrogated, and many, precedents fwept from 
 our remembrance, before any one of his aflertions 
 will bear the teft of an examination. Let him look 
 to the ftutute of Poyning's, by which 'tis provided, 
 that nj parliament (hall be fummoned in Ireland, till 
 the articles of the a(^s propofed to be pafled therein, 
 are firfl certified by the governor aiul council, under 
 the great fea! ol" Ireland. n this there is no excep- 
 tion of money-bills. — Let him turn to the fourth of 
 Phiiip and Marv, which to prevent the inconvenience 
 of frequent d'ff 'utions. (and for that purpofe chiefly) 
 provides, that bills in the ufual form may be certified 
 to En<»land, during the feiTions of pniliament In 
 this there is no exception of money bills. — Let him 
 confider the money bills which have been brought 
 from the governor and council into the houfe of 
 commons, and there pafled — Let him furvey the 
 nione^ bills which have been altered in England, and 
 pafled with fuch alterations by the parliament of 
 Ireland — When he has done this let him recommend 
 to the friends of indepemknce, not to deny the exi- 
 ftenceoffuch laws aixl precedents; but, ifpoflible, 
 to annihilate them : nor tc chaige a temperate, and 
 public-fpir-ted adminiftration, with attempts to vio- 
 late the conftltution, when tluy themfelvcs are in 
 faa, the only innovators. He alks, " What fupport 
 " or exiftence hiS the inelliuiable privilege of the 
 »' commons, that of being their own tax-mailers, if a 
 " rival and deftruv*;ive power be vefted in the crown 
 «' of Great-Britain ?" J anfwer, that the crown does 
 not exercife the power, nor pretend to the power of 
 taxing you ; that your bills of fupply don't become 
 laws till the commons have approved and pafled 
 them : and that the modelling (as he calls it) an 
 
 Irifli
 
 The B ATCHELOR. 287 
 
 Irifli money bill in England, is no more than pro- 
 pofing to your ccnliJer ition, for an uncompelled 
 acceptance, one mo 'e of taking commoc'ities im- 
 ported into your kingdom, whii.h England tn.inks 
 pffuable to that you h;ive offered lor her appio- 
 bation. 
 
 Si far I have efa-^iiied nnd expofeil his injuftice 
 and ini^r^tiru '-' t ■ '}-■!'. Hu.nc, and kis igp' ranee or 
 perv-j'fion J- 'he conllinition of ireiand h isnow 
 time to try, v/hethei he 'S iiore candid or berter in- 
 fo:::ieJ in h s fentinenrs of the two military gentle- 
 men, who aeinfmu'cos, " Are hire-' to the tufk of 
 *' wouiwiing wjtti tncir pens, fhat conftituciun they are 
 *' paid for cIcfenMiig^ vitii the.- fwords ' A late pub- 
 licH on in the' Batchclor whtc'' he fuppofes to be a 
 joint labour, (thuugh T am weil mroni.ed of the con- 
 trary) is, he tiiinks, afaificient juftification for his con- 
 temptuous adniOi-'fi' u to both tne writers, and ^or 
 his malicious arcufatior nga.nftone o' thorn ' have 
 carefully peruf-d that p^p r. and am bold to affirm, 
 that lb far as it goes in regaid to the iate fvioney-Bill, 
 the pofitionsare fair, fenfible, and conilitut'onal. For 
 the fake oi 1 tters, I uiuft hope, that the author, (let 
 h's profelTion be what it may) will of.en employ his 
 leifure and his talents on fubje^-'s which hf^ feems fo 
 well qualified to handle j let him not abufe the [>,ifts 
 of nature, and the advant^^es of ecucation, by mixing 
 in fcenes o. idl.nefs, difliratioii and vanity : though 
 his fiudies (hould prove off;iifive to the pretended 
 champions of liberty, and though the philofophic 
 Roufll-au Ik-ps into the loofe robe of Petronius, and 
 recommends, inftead of them, the exercifes of the 
 dance, and the allurements of the theatre. His ma- 
 lice is of a deeper dye, when he addrefTcs himfelf to 
 the other gentleman: yet though there be much ve- 
 nom, there is little vigour in the (haft he has aimed 
 
 at
 
 2S3 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 at him. Bafely and unjudly to revile tJie man to whole 
 family he belongs, and to whofe favour he is obliged, 
 would be sbfurd and immoral. 1 know from good 
 authority, the charge is utterly falfe and groundlefs, 
 Suppofiiig it had even the colour of truth ; how can 
 Roufleau be juditied for making it public ? It Ihikes 
 at the fortune, not at the arguments of his imaginary 
 antagonift. If this kin to Hermes enrertainsan ill opi- 
 nion of his patron, that opinion muft have been com- 
 uiuriicated in the freedom of intimacy, and under the 
 fecuiity of confidence. It muft have been uttered to 
 \.h.Q friend, not to the puhlijher. He knows no friend 
 vile enough to betray fuch a fecret. He knows no 
 gentleman wicked enough to inn)eni fuch a calumny. 
 As his duty prompted, and his capacity enabled him, 
 he has more than once vindicated the honour of his 
 patron, from the (hamelcfs defamations of a licenti- 
 ous prefs ; nor can that noble pcrfon one mouient 
 admit the teftimony of a libel (er againft the integrity 
 of his advocate, without giving weight at the time, 
 to the fame fort offpurious evidence, againft his own 
 infiilied virtues The Chiel Governoi knows why the 
 names ot thcfe gentlemen are become the fport of 
 every news paper, and the prey of every anonymous 
 niungril. It may raife, but it cannot hurt them in his 
 eftimation. I-: is, becaufe, they do not look on, and 
 tamely fee his name reviled, his conduti mifreprefent- 
 ed, and his govermacnt rendered odious. It is becaufe 
 they can diftinguifh between pretence and principle. 
 Itis becaufe they have fometimes wrefted the dagger 
 from the hand of the lurki ig afT ftin, and turned the 
 point againft the magnifico who fuborned him. It is 
 in (hort, becaufe, they have done that in the caufeof 
 iufl-ice, public virtue, and private friendlhip, " quod 
 *' qnijque fuos in tali re facere 'VoltiiJJet. 
 
 Z January gth I J-/ 2. DAVID HUME. 
 
 N U M-
 
 The BAT CHE LOR. 289 
 
 NUMBER L. 
 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. 
 SIR, 
 
 IT gave me the greateft pleafure to find, from an 
 intimation in a late Batchelor, that we are to have 
 a cefTation of party hoftilities, at leaft for fonie 
 time, on the fide of your correfpondents ; and that 
 you will again oblige the public with iuch Specu- 
 lations as formerly, when you paper was not en- 
 groffed by a few hands, for the purpofe of vindicatinp- 
 government, or expofing oppofition. As a friend 
 to letters in general, I have feeii with concern the 
 powers of reafon, rhetoric, and fancy, employed 
 on local and temporary topics, which can fcarce 
 hope to furvive the fhort duration of the day that 
 gives them birlh : Wit and genius exercifed on fuch 
 peiiflipble fubjefls, are ir.ifplaced and thrown away, 
 no lefs than elegant ornaments, and exquifite chifel- 
 work would be on the fliaft of a fky-rocket, or the 
 rattle of an ir.ffmt. Though we admire the neat 
 hand of the artill, and the finenefs of his tools, we 
 mufl: furely pity his want of judgment, ia fo grofs 
 a mifapplication of his ikill and induftry. 
 
 I will not go fo for, as to aflert that party- 
 writing never was, nor ever can be eflentialljr 
 neceffary in any caufe, or at any conjunfturc. In 
 anfwer to fo bold a paradox, I fliould be told, no 
 doubt, that many adroiniftrations have been fup- 
 O ported,
 
 2^)0 The B A T CH E L O R. 
 
 ported, or overturned, by the dexterous manage- 
 ment of that engine only : the great name of Swift 
 and St. John v;oiud be produced againft me, and I 
 fliould hear that Mr. Pultney became popular and 
 ■jjovverful, not more by bis knowledge of bufinefs, 
 and his eloquence in the fenate, than by his pam- 
 phlets, and periodical papers. I i"hould be referred 
 to the report from the Secret CoMMn te, in the 
 time of Sir Robert, for the great fums given out of 
 the public treafiiry by that wife minilter, to aniarate 
 the genius, and reward the zeal of his literary coad- 
 jutors. The North-Briton, perhaps, might 
 bring up the rear of this formidable body of autho- 
 rities; and it would be urged, that a few flieets 
 of that libel, though utterly defpicable in point of 
 compoHtion, and only formidable for its bold accu- 
 fations, and virulent perfonality, fhook the helm 
 from the hands of the King's favourite minifter, 
 when neither his own inexperience, nor the jealous 
 cabals of all the difcontented nobility of England, 
 could iniiniidate him. The following Ihort anfwer, 
 formed on an anticipation of my antagonift's faga- 
 city, will, I hope, ferve to difcngage me from one 
 point of a controverfy, into which I had no thoughts 
 of entering. When I advance fo fingular a noti- 
 on, as that Party-writing is not an inllrument 
 of great confcquence in a free ftate ; I mean not to 
 extend it to other times, and to other countries, 
 but to confine it to the country, and the times we 
 live in. Its effeas in England have been prodigious, 
 and there they muft ever be fo. Nay, it cannot be 
 denied, that the whole armoury of oppofition con- 
 tains not a weapon cf fuch various ufe, and fo eafi- 
 ly managed. In flcllful hands, it becomes at once a 
 dag'^er, and a llueld j it infli£ls tha wounds, and 
 covers the aflailant; and even the raoft errant 
 
 bungler
 
 The BAT CHE LOR. 291 
 
 bungler may employ it, as the footpad does his un- 
 loaded piftol, to bruife and terrify: but thefe pro- 
 perties vanifli when government pretends to wield 
 it. Let me not be underftood to mean any difrefptdt 
 to the perfon of our prefent Chief Governor, of 
 any contempt of thofe talents which it is fuppofed 
 his patronage has called out to public obfervation. 
 This country is indebted to him for feveral excellent 
 laws and regulations ; his difintereftednefs is above 
 the breath of impeachment, and his fine endov/- 
 ments are univerfally acknowledged. Let it alfo be 
 one part of his praife, that he has flievvn difcern- 
 ment in the choice of his inftruments, though the 
 principle, which led him to think they might be 
 ufeful for any purpofe of the flate, is erroneous' He 
 has had the art of attaching men of parts and eru- 
 dition to his interefts ; he has dlftinguiflicd the fruit- 
 ful ability, from the barren promptnefs to treat 
 every political fubjeft; encouraging the one, and- 
 rejefting the other. If the ineafures of an IriHi 
 adminiftration could derive any advantage from the 
 zealous ingenri-y of its literary advocates, many of 
 the effays in your paper, deferve to be preferved as 
 models for that fpecies of compofition. But pJ'ay, 
 fir, what end has been attained by all this wafte of 
 genius, by this " great effiifion of Chrifiian ink ?'* 
 He knows what purpofe they have anfwered, let 
 him declare it. — It may be faid, that the daily pa- 
 pers are " the brief abjlrad, and chronicle of the 
 " limes -y and it 'were better haie a bad epitnph 
 '* after death y than their ill reproach ixjhile li-jingP 
 From thence the lower orders of the people form 
 their notions of men and meafurcs ; without fuch 
 cheap and expeditious vehicles of intelligence, the 
 fober citizen, who remains nailed to his counter, 
 and the ruftic, who feldom roves beyond the pre- 
 O 2 cinds
 
 292 The B A T C II E 1. O R. 
 
 cinfts of the chafe, would never know to what 
 DTime he ought to offer the libation of a bumper, 
 or for what decifion in the fcnate he fliould burn 
 his furxe-buili. But let me add, that if confufion to 
 the Vice-Roy was tacked to every city toaft, and 
 his effigies was the fuel for every bonfire, the go- 
 vernor would not be deluged by the one, nor con- 
 fumed by the other. 
 
 Allow me now, fir, to afk a few iliort queflions. 
 Do the periodical papers of Dublin, make part of 
 the ftudies of his Majeity or his minifters? Does the 
 King withdraw his countenance from his reprefenta- 
 tive, becaufe the Freeman's Journal defcribes him 
 as an unworthy objeft of it ? Or does the firft 
 Lord of the Treafury forward his arrangments with 
 more expedition, becaufe the Mercury proves them 
 to be confHtutional arwi neccflary? No, fir; it is 
 more than prob^tble, that neither one or the other 
 ever reached the clofet or the cabinet. — Do well-' 
 ftatcd fa£ls, folid arguments, pointed fatire, ele- 
 gant panygerick, harmonious verfes, and fine turn- 
 ed periods, thin the votaries of fadlion, and brin^j 
 daily profelytos to the flirineof government ? Alas I 
 fir, in flich times as thefe, more political transfor- 
 liiations have been wrought by that magic Talifman, 
 the broad feal, dangling at the bottom of parch- 
 ment, than by all the enchantment of the mufes; 
 and the black lifts will convince you, that there is 
 more perfuafion in a King's Letter, than in the moft 
 eloquent addrefs that ever was pen'd to the reafon 
 and the paffions. You, Mr. Wagftaffe, who have 
 fome intereft in this queftion, will roufe, perhaps, 
 and defire me to look back to the hiilory of former 
 Lord Lieutemnts : You will tell me that the Duke of 
 Bedford had both power aud inclination", to promote 
 
 every
 
 The BATCHELOR. 293 
 
 every fcheme for the advantage of this country. 
 You will fay, he might have flood his ground againil 
 the intrigues of a few crafty politicians in the houfe 
 of commons, had they not called in the prefs to 
 their aififtance. That the bafeft calumnies were in- 
 vented, and by this means circulated againft him ; 
 and having no friends to raife the mounds of conlra- 
 diftion, or to turn back the foul ftream on the 
 fources from whence it proceeded, he was at laft 
 overwhelmed by a torrent of unoppofed fcurrility. 
 You will not fuffer me to overlook the example of 
 Lord Hertford : the iliort refidence of that noble- 
 man, was not diftinguiihed by any event to draw 
 upon him the curfe of unpopularity; yet, with 
 powerful connexions in England, Vv'ith a fteady ma- 
 jority in the IriiTi parliament, he returned to ths 
 royal prefence, bleeding all over from the porcupine 
 quilJs of Grub-ftreet ; which had excited even the- 
 uninterefted to deteft him, and the rabble to infult 
 him by the groffelT; indignities, even when under the 
 protection of guarded ftreets, an attending fqua- 
 dron, and all the formalities of a pompous pro- 
 ceffion. His lordfhip, you will fay, v/as fo fenfible 
 that a guard of authors was as neceflary as a guard 
 of foldiers, that he bought off, by a confiderable 
 penfion on the eftablilliment, one obfcure and im- 
 potent libeller;* and his only champion, Dr. 
 B — rr — ws, would not have been requited 
 with a fcanty pittance of a few private bounties, 
 had not his infamous private character, and his mean 
 abiiides, made him an obje<St unworthy of any further 
 proteftion. I expedl to be afked triumphantly, did 
 either of thefe noblemen augment a ftanding army 
 in time of profound peace ? Eclipfe the fplendour 
 and power of their deputies, by conftant refidence ? 
 Enter a proteft againft the proceedings of parliament,. 
 O 3 and 
 
 * W Ly— d— n.
 
 2Q4 The BATCH EL OR. 
 
 and afterwards prorogue that parliament for their 
 proceedings? Shake th':; foundations of the beft eflar 
 bliilied iatcrelb in the kingdom? Difiiiifs men of 
 power and following from their offices, and their ho- 
 nouvs? Conftitute new boards, at a time when the 
 revenue w, s decreafin^ ; befides a lon:^ catalogue of 
 public and private tranfidions, which nuiicious 
 ingenuity might eafJ) aggravate into the moft enor- 
 iiio us offences ? V/ere the fpirit of detraftion ever 
 inoreaiert? V/ere our demogqgues ever n^ore voci- 
 ferous ? Did the mint of fa<5tion ever coin more falfe- 
 lioods ? Have the arrov/s of envv, revenge, and 
 jiniuiiicn, ever . defcended in blacker iKowers, than 
 againft the head of Lord Townfliend? Has he not 
 hsien fearched hy every probe, tried by every fire ? 
 H--S the iiatefinan, the foldier, the huRjind, the fa- 
 tiier, the friend, or the patron been facred ? How 
 comes it then you will fay, that a man \o obnoxious^ 
 has not 1 -ng fince deferted his ftation, and flieltered 
 himfeif in obfcurity from fuch complicated dangers? 
 ■ Were I only to confid^r what would be mod a- 
 greeable to the intereft and opinion of Mr. Wag- 
 I'taffe, I fliould but aflign one caufe for all thefe 
 things, otherwife unaccountable ; namtly, the won- 
 der-working operations of your poliiical efTays: but 
 I find a folution of the difficulty in other caufes 
 more fa I is factory, becauf: more natural. The fpirit 
 of the times is not nov/ what it was formerly. The 
 flimes of a party in the year fifty-three, were fcarce 
 extin^^^uifhed when the duke of Bedford came to Ire- 
 land, and a fire foon kindled from the hot embers 
 which fpiead to the very walls of the caflle : after- 
 wards for a fhort time it fubfided, till again blown 
 up in the asra of lord Hertford's adminillration. 
 The charadter of his lordfhip was of a cafl little 
 adapted to his ftation. An enemy to expence, he 
 
 had
 
 The B AT CHE L OR. 495 
 
 had no reliili for hofpltajity or fplenclor ; his adureis 
 too, though fufiiciently polillied, was equally cold" 
 and diftant to all men, nor did he Ciudy any arts of 
 recommending himfelf to the multitude. An opini- 
 on prevailed too generally (though I will not pretend 
 to fay how j'lftly) that he prefered tJie enriching his 
 own family to every public con'tideration. A rumour 
 alfo ran, and was believed, that he a^ed ia conjuncti- 
 on wi.'h Mr. P— f — by, to ftifie in its birth that in- 
 fant darling of the people, the bill for the liiiiitarion 
 of parliaments. Thefe, I imagine, will be allowed 
 very fuihvient reafons for their indignation againfl 
 him. Confider^ nov/, fir, that this very bill v/as 
 obtained under the aufpices of Lord Townilieud, 
 while the memory of the obligation was frelli, the 
 people did not lofe all knfe of gratitude. Add to 
 this, a tax of four fhillings in the pound on tiMiXh- 
 tees, a bounty on Irifh linen, and other adts of un- 
 queftionahle merit. But above all, fir, coniider the 
 char?fterof that man, v/ho firft atten^.pted to ftirup 
 oppofition againft him: even ignorance and du- 
 pery ftared to hear the language of patriotilhi 
 
 from the mouth of Mr. P by. Diftruft of 
 
 thiir new convert, held the populace for fome 
 time in fuipence, till a little refitclion at hix de- 
 termined them in favour of that perfuafion which 
 he had dtferted. The tranution was too fudden ; 
 fuch a change might pleafe in a Harlequin, but to 
 produce furprize, is not the only buimefs of a pcli- 
 tical paiitomine. 
 
 Your candour, fir, will, I hope, acknowledge 
 that thefe are good reafons for the opinion I en- 
 tertrin,. concerning the inutility of Pa rty-writ- 
 ing in the caufeof government: as to the gentlemen 
 concerned in it, as no one can be more ftnfible of 
 O 4. their
 
 296 The BAT CHE LOR. 
 
 their abilitii^s, fo no one more finccrely recrets to 
 fee them employed on unprofitable ftudies. 
 
 Than your humble fervant, 
 
 Z ATTILA. 
 
 NUMBER LI. 
 
 The fair fat panting at a courtier's play. 
 And not « M ask 'went unimpro'v'd avoay ; 
 The modefl fan ivas lifted up no more. 
 And "jirgins fmiVd, at luhat they bluff d before. 
 
 Pope. 
 
 To Jeoffry Wagstasfe, Efq; 
 SIR, 
 
 A' 
 
 S the rage for politics is fomewhat fubfided, I 
 1. hope you may find room for an original 
 piece, which has nothing but poetical merit to re- 
 commend it. Prologues are too often compofed with- 
 out any reference to the play they are defigned to 
 introduce ; and may ufher in Shakefpear and Con- 
 greve, or H d and Gri<?ith, with equal pro- 
 priety; lik<^ niches in a building, fitted tcv receive 
 either th2 buft of a Cicero, or an alderman. How- 
 ever, the incljfed prologue is an exception : the au- 
 thor paints the Manners of Charles's court withajuft 
 and delicate pencil; — his fenliments are chsfte and 
 fpirited, expicifed in eafy and harmonious numbers. 
 He cenfures the illiberal and indelicate ribaldry, 
 
 which
 
 The BATCHELOR. 297 
 
 which was the bon ton of the age, but refpea.. 
 Wycherly's ge .ius, and manly wit ; and by a beau- 
 tiful and appofite allufion, lliews both his faults and 
 excellencies. 
 
 I am, fir, yours. 
 Y. THEATRICUS. 
 
 PRCLOGUE to the PLAIN DEALER, 
 
 as altered from Wy CHE RLY. 
 
 In Charles's days the bold licentious ftage, 
 With fliamelefs wit difgrac'd, and charm'd the age; 
 On pleafure's lap entranc'd the monarch lay, 
 Loofe love the night, and riot ftain'd the day. 
 Let Auftria treat, and Belgia's cannon roar. 
 When VUliers jefted, — thefe were heard no more : 
 Wife laws, grave' counfellors grew irkfcme fooUj 
 Or fell fad viflin^s to each gf.y bufxoon. 
 At length, profcrrb'd by riot's madding crew, 
 Virtue, v/ith exil'd Clarendon, withdrew. 
 The court's loofe manners to the ftage were fpread, 
 Chafte fcenes no more were penn'd, no more were 
 
 read ; 
 But charm'd by coarfe obfcenity of wit, 
 Loofe as the fov'reign U/d, the poet writ. 
 But this a hippier sera, fhall difclofe 
 In purer ftreams, how bright its fountain rofe : 
 Taught by this truth the modern poet came, 
 Who blends with V/ychevly his huinbie name; 
 Prunes with a cautious hand wild fancy's fhoot. 
 Checks its luxuriance, but pref^rves its root. 
 From the bold prife by vigorous genius re.ir'd,- 
 Whence M7ith falf; ornaments true Ocill oppcar'J, 
 The filfe he Rrips, but trcm'.l-s to deface 
 True Doric ftrength^ or touch Corinthian -race. Z. 
 O 5 " NuAl
 
 ^gS The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 NUMBER LII. 
 
 • Poematu pango, H o r . 
 
 Verses addrejfed to G. E. H. Efq. 
 
 POLLO, and the tuneful nine, 
 Did on Parnaflus fit ; 
 A Heav'n-born genius to refine. 
 For bufinefs, — —and for wit. 
 
 On Pallas, firft, they called for aid. 
 
 To lend her attick fire. 
 And inftantly the blue-ey'd maid. 
 
 Did Howard's breaft infpire : 
 
 With courage for his country's caufe. 
 
 To ftem corruption's flood ; 
 A Solon, to reform our laws j 
 
 A patriot, firm and good. 
 
 Hencs, tho' Exchequer pleas were hid. 
 
 He drag'd them into light ; 
 The wran^iing, babbling, bar he chid. 
 
 And prov'd the law was right. 
 
 Illufi:rious bard, of Nor folk line, 
 Stiil tune thy matchlefs lays ; 
 
 Exalt our King in Odes fublime. 
 Or chaunt in beauty's pri^.ife. 
 
 You
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 299 
 
 You fliew Anacreon's eafy vein, 
 
 And {bar on Pindar's wing ! • 
 
 Alnieyda, too, adorns the Icene, 
 
 Wliilft you like Shakefpeare fing. 
 
 Thy mufe can ftill the people's rage, 
 
 Tho' roaring like the fea ; , .^. 
 
 Your fcenes deluded mobs affuage^ 
 
 And afl their heats allay. 
 
 In various arts you fliine too bright,, ■ 
 
 Dull bards your fame decry ; 
 Thus ftrong effulgent beams of light. 
 
 Offend the weakly eye. 
 
 To G. E. H. Efq. * 
 
 TIEN Pope and Swift, illuftrious flione> 
 All Grubftreet was in arms ; 
 Thus, Howard's genius, fo well known. 
 Each heavy dunce alarms. 
 
 Your wit has often fet them mad. 
 
 They can't ic's (ling endure. 
 Your riches too have made them fad, 
 
 — Becaufe the rogues are poor. 
 
 *- This elegant complimentary addrefs to Mr. H. was ocMfi - 
 oned % the following dull aad m&lidous epigram. 
 
 To poets of t,enius 'twas always a. curfe, 
 To find that iheir wit only lightened tneir purfe. 
 But I! — v.- — rd is happy in his fcribbling itch 
 For as he writes nonienfe, he therefore is rich! 
 Then Gorgy write on, dill laugh inyour favc. 
 Your printers alone, v/ill have rcal'on to grieve. 
 
 Your
 
 300 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Your praifc extorted from fuch foes, 
 Shall well thy fame exprcfe ; 
 
 Let fools or beggars envy thofe, 
 
 Whom fenfe and riches blefs.— — • 
 
 5^);^.^>jr?^x^)e(x^>?r)5??K»:):«):(>jf:?{()^,^»f>^)3r>^,^.^>i^.^ 
 
 NUMBER LIII. 
 
 For our end 
 
 We mujl fuggeft the people, in luhnt hatred 
 
 He ftill hath held them., that to poiuer he ivould 
 
 Hwve made them mules, filenced their pleaders, and 
 
 Dijpropertyd their freedoms .• holding them 
 
 In human adion and capacity. 
 
 Of no more foul, orftnefs in the nuorld. 
 
 Than camels in the ivar, ivho have their provender 
 
 Only for bearing burthens, and fore bloius 
 
 Tor finking under them. 
 
 To Jeoffry Wagstaffe, Efq. 
 
 S I R, 
 ' O U have wifely, in my opinion, avoided as 
 
 nnich as poiTihle, entering into any altercation 
 
 with the fuppcrters of thofe two contemptible vehi- 
 cles of public fediuon, end private fcandal, ti.e Frt-- 
 man and Hibernian, and indeed have left them in r 
 great mcafure unnoticed. However, I hope you wi. 
 not objc6t to thefe Hw ftridtures on Biutuss letter of 
 
 the
 
 The BATCHELOR, joi 
 
 the 3d of this month : he there afFefls to give an im- 
 partial ftate of the public account between the Lord 
 Lieutenant and the Nation, confidered as debtor and 
 creditor. To add weight to his reafoning, he copies 
 the example of the Grub-ftreet publifliers of red and 
 hlack lip ; doubtlefs conceiving, that the colours 
 which heretofore doomed fo many members of par- 
 liament to eternal obloquy, or configned them to im- 
 mortal fame, will carry equal conviction to the un- 
 dcrftanding of his credulous readers. This dull, faf- 
 tidious, lying performance, is evidently the child of 
 the puritanic O— 1 — r P — k— t, notwithlknding the^ 
 declarations in the fame paper to the contrary : his 
 malignant levelling fpirit is apparent through the 
 whole ; in denying it he only copies the example of 
 his late coadjutor dotStor Lucas. 
 
 It is to be prefurned, that this worthy author af- 
 fumes his fignature from the faftious tribune mentioned 
 by Shaktfpear ; a man who brought his country to 
 the brink of deflruQion, by the perfecution of her 
 beft and braveft citizens ; — how unlike that immortal 
 Roman, who, from a confcientions and ardent love 
 of liberty, drev/ his fword againfl: an ufurping tyrant. 
 — 1 am the laft man, Mr. WagftafFe, th?t would prof- 
 titute my pen to palliate, or apologize for the nSiotu 
 of corrupt inngillrates, who plunder or infult my 
 country ; much Icfs of a Viceroy who deferved that 
 charadtcr. On the other hand, I think it the duty 
 of every friend to truth, and the public weal, to op- 
 pofe the turbulence of a reftlefs fadion, to dete£i and 
 expofe the falfehoods, infidioufiy calculated to poifbn 
 th^ minds of the credulous multitude, aad to check 
 the overvv'eaning pride of thofe maleconttnis, who 
 cannot brook that fubordinate rank in the community, 
 which chance or nature his aHlsi-ned them.——— 
 
 \\ hofcver
 
 302 The BAT CHE LOR. 
 
 Whoever refle£fe ferioufly on the conduct tnd 
 views of thefe 7nen, will eafily difcein how 
 iniponible it is for the moft prudent and mild go- 
 vernment to enfure the peace and good order of fj- 
 ciety. The malignant, tho' contemptible libels of 
 a Pl-—k — t, may dilgrace the country v.liich was im- 
 mortalized by a Walker ; whiiit thofe popular ruf- 
 fians, Savage and Red:iionc',fhill parade over the very 
 ground, where the illuftrious William marched to our 
 falvalion. Such mltcrcants, as prof cjj fid friends to. 
 the profperity of Ireland, would render every iuduf- 
 trious inhabitant difcontented with his fituation, and. 
 juflify the excefles of the profligate againft the lober 
 and horKjft part of the community, charging govern- 
 ment (as the father of all fin) with the.miiery and 
 depopulation that inevitably foUov/s. 
 
 As, friends to the conjiitution, they exhort the juries, 
 to judge of the expediency of the law, and the con- 
 dutSt of the leglilature who palfed it, not of the atro- 
 cioufnefs of the crime, or the proof before them ; . 
 and as determined oppoiienls to military government, 
 and augmeiitationsy they excite and cultivate fucli a 
 rebellious fpirit among the common people, as obliges 
 the hnded gentry, and the northern patriolsy to foli- 
 clt the aid of the military, and place themfelves in 
 fad entirely under their proteftion. — Such are the 
 patriotic ccnfjilencivs, and pious labours of Brutus 
 PI — k — t, and his coadjutors, however unfupported, 
 and even condemned by the general fenfe of the na- 
 tion.. Indeed, I cannot recolkft any county, (Meath. 
 excepted) or corporate town, which has adopted his 
 language. Tbc general opinion and voice of this 
 l^ingdom, breathe nothing but a dutiful acknov/ledg- 
 ment of the virtues and firmnels of our truly amiable 
 
 fcverei^n.
 
 The BAT CHE LOR. 305 
 
 foverelgn, though he is reprefented in our loyal pa- 
 pers as an ideot, a tyrant^ a Jacobite, and a patron 
 of fodomites. With refpeft to his fubftitute here, I 
 fhould be at a lofs to determine his veal charadter, 
 were it not for thofe public teftimonials he has re- 
 ceived from fo many counties and corporations, which 
 have never been cancelled, as I hear, by any one au- 
 thentic difa vowel, during an unufi^ai refidence of five 
 years. 
 
 Here might be the proper place to enter into a 
 particular difcuffion with Brutus, both as to his Ex- 
 cellency's public and private chaiaQer ; for I obferve 
 that he is as accurate an arithmetician as SirW— ]| — m 
 M— ne, and keeps a pence table to regifter his cha- 
 rities •. as theje arc of a private nature, and belong- 
 only to the feelings of the heart, I fhall take no no- 
 tice of them. The Lord Lieutenant's attention to 
 our public works, charter fchools, foundling hofpital, 
 &c. is remembered by every thinking man, when the 
 violence and felfiili fpirit of a party had drawn on 
 the prorogation. It v/as a bitter difippointment to 
 a faftion, which hoped to bring every calamity on, 
 their country, to fee themfelves defeated by the kind 
 attention and benevolence of the crown. 
 
 Let me proceed to ftate Brutus's charges, with ex- 
 plicit anfwers, and then prefent the candid and im- 
 partial reader with a true account of the many exten- 
 five benefits-this country has received in the quinque- 
 liium of Lord Townfliend's adminilliation. 
 
 Es u T u s's
 
 3D4 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 Brutus's Charge. 
 
 Prorogation. 
 
 To be imputed to Mr. P. and the patriots, who 
 pafTed a ufelefs nnd unconftitutional vote. The par- 
 liaunnt met the following winter, merely to tranfaCt 
 the national bufinefs, in confequence of a decent and 
 dutiful addrefs from the city of Dublin. 
 
 OppreJJtons of the 'veterans at Kihnainhnm. 
 
 An abfolute falfehood. The contemptible firing: 
 of lies on this head, can be confuted by the teftimo-r 
 ny of every governor of the hofpitaL 
 
 Riot Ad. 
 
 All counties fliould have a Riot A£l, who prefer a 
 legal, to a mob government. 
 
 Pen/ions to ivhores and pimps. 
 
 The charge on the civil lift for penfions, is decreaf- 
 ed 6000I. per annum during Lord Townilicnd's admi- 
 niftration ; nor hns he loaded the eftablifliment with' 
 a finale one for any of his blood, or relations. — An 
 unprecedented inftance of difmtereftedntf;. 
 
 Squandering the public money to purchafe members 
 ef parliament. 
 
 An abflird f^ilfehood. — If the charge could be 
 proved, why did your patriots drop their long bla- 
 zoned enquiry .? 
 
 Ohjiruaing
 
 The BATCHELOR. 305 
 
 ObJlruSling the aS, That the jinlges Jhould hold 
 their employments, quam diu fe bene gejjerint. 
 
 The nation is obliged to Lord Townfliend for his 
 good intentions : He promoted and recommended this 
 a<5l in the itrongeft manner. — The Prime Serjeant, 
 kft feffions, explained the true principle, ivhyk. claufe 
 was inferted in that bill, which induced the commons 
 to reject it. 
 
 Li'vings to many ungodly men. 
 
 Puritanic cant and nonfenfe. 
 
 Augmentation A6i, 
 
 The beft military regulation ever adopted.— Pre- 
 rogative reftrained, and the defence and fecurity of 
 the kingdom provided for by the fame means. 
 
 Breach of the royal promife, ^c. 
 
 Abfolutely falfe. — The army in this kingdom^ 
 confifts of four regiments of horfe, eight of dra- 
 goons, and twenty-two regiments of foot ', they ali 
 are as complete as poffible, alloixjing for deaths and 
 defertions. 
 
 Sinking the garter age -Bill. 
 
 It i-i to be feared that the Lord Lieutenant has not 
 fo much merit on this occafion, as is imputed to him^ 
 —Ireland is the only Proteftant country, which does 
 not encourage able and induftrious ftrangers. The 
 bad policy of this injudicious prevention, is owing to 
 
 the
 
 3o6 The BATCHEL-OR. 
 
 the pitiful local jealoufies of the noify and monopo- 
 lizing corporations of a luctiopolis, finking under 
 diilipation and faction. 
 
 The fpirit of the Ahfentee tax diff^enfedivith. 
 
 Thi^rateful mtion is indebted to Lord Town- 
 fliend mr the Abfentee-tax ; nor has he exerted his 
 intereft or infiutnce to counteract its beneficial effects. 
 He refufed to recommend Lord Cliief Jullice Clay- 
 ton's requeft to the Kin^, for a nett annuity of loool. 
 —His condud on this, and finiilar applications, is hisr 
 beft eulogiura. 
 
 Supporting Popery A£ls. 
 
 No aits have been fupported by government, but 
 fuch as will conciliate the minds of dutiful, peaceable, 
 though unfortunate fubjcfls, at the fame time that 
 they tended to cure that evil which the Freeman fo 
 loudly complained of — a fcarcity of caili. 
 
 Appointing ufelefs Jur^jeyors. 
 
 The improvement or decline of the revenue will 
 prove v/hether they are ulllcfs or not. 
 
 Tre^jenting (or at befit ^'^ot recommending) the re- 
 turn of Crier's and Ho'voard's bill. 
 
 Another bold lie. — The true caufe of its failure 
 was occafioned bv fome Englilh creditors, who peti- 
 tioned the privy council — and their objedtions were 
 deemed valid.
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 307 
 
 Not encouraging trade, hy refuiing at Black Rock. 
 
 Is his Excellency to live all the {umnier at the 
 Caftle r-^Then why do not our patriots refide in 
 Dublin alfo ? Are not levees held every weekp and 
 is not all the cafli for the maintenance of his houf- 
 hold expended in Dablin ?— Which of our patriots 
 can (2,y with his Excellency, that they themfelves, 
 or their families, have never worn any thing but 
 Irifli manufafture during five years. 
 
 Difgracing the reprefentp^tive of Majejty, by keep- 
 ing company luith the dijfolut? and abandoned. 
 
 I mrch fear his Majefty himf-lf will be more dis- 
 graced in the next papers. — Who are theft dilfolut^ 
 and abandoned ? —Is it owing to the charity of the 
 Freeman, that they remain in the ih&de ? 
 
 By appointing men, fcarcely a degree above idtots^ 
 to feats in the privy council. 
 
 Are their underftandings inferior to Lord L— th's, 
 
 LordW ft th's, SirV/— 11— m M— ne's or 
 
 Mr. P— nl— by's i 
 
 By appointing men to the office of high fheriffs, ^c. 
 
 It is notorious that juftice is more iinpartinlly ad- 
 miniftered than ever, by the appomtment ofiheriffs : 
 to maintain a ftrift impartiality in counties, where 
 ftrong divifioas prevail, the flieriffsare frequently no-^ 
 niinated alternately from each party. 
 
 appoint-
 
 3o8 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Appointment of the Ji^ue commijjioners of excife. 
 
 The judicious oeconomical regulations already 
 adopted in the revenue, prove their utility. — In a few 
 years Mr.P — nf — by raifcd the charge of coUeditig 
 the revenue by incidents, ^c. 45,0001. per ann. In 
 a few months the new board have diminiihed them 
 above 7,oool. per annum. 
 
 Commtfjtoners of accounts. 
 
 It is a faft, that the Lord Chancellor, and the 
 Barons of the Exchequer, neither did, nor had Icifure 
 to examine the national accounts with accuracy and 
 prccifion. — The faving to the nation, by the efta- 
 bliihment of this board, will be confiderable ; as will 
 moft evidently appear next feflion of parliament. 
 
 And laflly, by great mifreprejentation of^the vjhole 
 Irijh nation. 
 
 Where did th» lying author colleCl this ? — It is 
 probable that if his Excellency, after the prorogation, 
 had reprelented the conduft of a violent, difappoint- 
 ed faction, to have been the general fenfe of the king- 
 dom, this parliament had never met again. It is evi- 
 dent from that event, that both the Chief Governor, 
 and the Britiih cabinet, formed a very different idea, 
 nor were they miftaken ; for the fenfe of the parlia- 
 ment, when they met, and the fenfe of the whole na- 
 tion, has proved very different from the language of 
 the Free Prefs, and Prolefting Lords, which are no 
 more than a weak and contemptible imitation cf the 
 feditious language of the contemptible fupporters of 
 the Bill of Rights, at the London Tavern. 
 
 After
 
 The BATCH ELOR. 309 
 
 After thus anfweringy I hope in a fatisfaftory man- 
 tier, every charge urged by this defplcable writer, I 
 fliall conclude by recapitulating thofe eflentlal bene- 
 fits which we have received from him. 
 
 Abolition of Lords Juftices, and of an ariftocratic 
 lyftem, which was a difgrace to a free people. 
 
 The Odlennial-bill— which has diffufed an Engli/K 
 fpirit of liberty among the freeholders of this king- 
 dom. 
 
 The Abfentee-tax— which produces 16 or 17 
 thoufand a year, and faves ten times as much to the 
 nation, by preventing many of our nobility and gen- 
 try from refiding abroad. 
 
 Actual produce of it — X- '6,000 o o 
 
 A refident Lord Lieutenant, (per 
 
 annum) — 16,000 o o 
 
 The bounty on linen renenued. 
 This, by experimental proof., occa- 
 fions the export of 3,564,381 yards, 
 value — -~ X- 237>625 o 
 
 An extenfion of the bounty to Iriih 
 printed Linens. 
 
 Preventing a bounty of three-half- 
 pence a yard on all Manchefter 
 checks, which would have operated 
 as a bounty of 45I. per cent, againft 
 our linen manufadure. 
 
 F.edu6tion of the ftaff, - - 2737 o o 
 
 Penfions
 
 I'lo The BATCMELOR. 
 
 Penfions diminiflied, -" - 60000 o e 
 
 The Privilege Bill, which has dif- 
 ohliged feveral of the Patriots, by 
 fubjedting them to the laws of their 
 country, and compelling them to a£l 
 like honeft men. 
 
 The Bankrupt Bill, which' will 
 -extend our trade, by eftabliiliing con- 
 fidence and credit among our Mer- 
 chants. 
 
 The Rum-bill — which will ex- 
 tend to our commerce, and increafe 
 the revenue. 4.0,000 o o 
 
 A judicious parliamentary augmentation, by which 
 the royal prerogative was rellrained, and a corps of 
 tv/elve thoufand troops provided for the defence and 
 fecurity of the people who pay them. That public 
 fpirited m.eafure, executed with the ftriiSeft oecono- 
 my, produce a faving of 23,3581. 15s. 8d. This 
 was effefted by the Lord Lieutenant's ihno'vnting on 
 the ufual mode of iffliing pay for the intended aug- 
 mentation, as foon as it was voted. By this means, 
 a large non-elfedtive fund became the property of 
 the public, and was applied to the fervice of the 
 flate. 
 
 The appointment of more Iri fii judges, and Irifh 
 bi/liops, than any of his predecefTors. 
 
 V E R A X. 
 
 To
 
 The BATCHELOR. 311 
 
 To Je OF FRY V/agstaffe, Efq. 
 
 TH E paffianate and tender fentiments of love, 
 are expreffed with elegance and claffical pu- 
 rity, in the following blft^Sfu! verfes. By inferting 
 them in your Speculations, you will oblige, 
 
 MusAUS. 
 
 KISSES. 
 
 By Paul Jodderel, Efq; 
 
 "SoLLiciTOR to the late Prince 0/ Wales. 
 
 AS erft to Damon's facred fhade, 
 Thefe eyes their grateful tribute paid, 
 Of many a tear beguil'd : 
 Sweet Anna faw my tender grief, 
 And in kind pity brought relief; 
 She kils'd me, and I frail'd. 
 
 Ambition next my bofom warm'd, 
 Adieu Ciich fofttr care : 
 
 Alarm'd the fair Enchantrefs came 
 One kifs infus'd a gentler fire, 
 I felt the noble heat expire. 
 
 And curs'd the phantom Fame. 
 
 3. Tranfix'd
 
 312 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 Transfix'dby Envy's poifon'd dart. 
 When late my inly-feft'ring heart, 
 
 Confum'd in filent pain ; 
 Like wounded Edward's gen'rous Bride, 
 Sweet Ann her balmy lips apply 'd, 
 
 And drew out all the JHiO^llC:* 
 
 Strange to relate, the Tygrefs rage. 
 Her gentle kilTes can afTuage, 
 
 And in foft fetters bind ; 
 Not mufic's powerful charms e'er gain'd. 
 Or calm philofophy attain'd 
 
 Such empire o'er the mind. 
 
 Then to fecure my peace and blifs, 
 Sweet Ann in one eternal kifs. 
 
 Breathe in the all healing balm ; 
 No, ceafe thou fatal fond defire, 
 Ah, treach'rous kilTes you infpire 
 
 More pafllons than you calm. 
 
 NUMB-
 
 
 l0 M !^A 
 
 '. .Mil
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 313 
 NUMBER LIV. 
 
 Cum tot fuJlineaSi et tanta negotia folus, HoR. 
 
 ^;z EPISTLE /^ Gorges Edmond 
 Howard, efq; ijith Notes expla- 
 fiatory, critical, and hijiorical, by 
 George Faulkner, elq; and 
 alderman. The Ninth edition, with 
 material additions, 
 
 Advertiiement, by the Annotator. 
 
 CT^Hl S Poem ts jiijHy ranked with the ?ncji cele- 
 -*• hrated Compofitions of Doctor Swift, Pope, 
 Major Pack, Cowley, Prior, Mrs, Pilkington, 
 Parnel, Addifon, and Henry Jones, whofe Works 
 may be had, bound or in Sheets, at my Shop iti 
 Parlia7nent-Jlreet. I have undertaken, at the Re- 
 queft of my Friends, to add Annotations, Remarks, 
 StriJIures, and Obfervations, explanatory, critical, 
 and hijiorical, for the Benefit of Strangers, who 
 might otherwife be ignorant of many Perfons, 
 Things, and Circumfiances, alluded to in the Cor/i- 
 pofition, after the Manner and Form of my Notes 
 on Dr. Jonathan Swift, D. S. P. D. that have 
 not a little contributed to improve, and Ukewife 
 make his Works be underjlood. I Jhould now like- 
 wife ohferve, that it hath already gone thro'' Eight 
 Editions in the City of Dublin, this being the Ninth, 
 and Two in London, vJwre I atn lefs known j but 
 P hy
 
 314 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 by my Journal and the Earl of Chejlerficld which 
 7nak£th its Circulation much more general^ the 
 Monthly Rcvicxvers for the Month of Augujl 1772, 
 remarking^ " That it is a Piece of excellent Hu- 
 '* mour at the Expence of Mr Faulkner the Print- 
 " ^r," affording the highcjl Entertainment thereat ; 
 whereby they mean Mr. Hozuard the Attorney. 
 Printed by lFillia?n Goldfmith in Pater-Nofier- 
 Row, and 'T. Lewis inRuJJel-fircet, Covcnt-garden. 
 
 An EPISTLE to Gorges Edmond 
 Howard, efq; (a) 
 
 f ET F-k-r boaft (b) of rhymes and letters, 
 -g J To praife himfelf, and maul his betters ; 
 
 For 
 
 (a) Epijlle to G. E. H]—He hath amafled a con- 
 fiderable fortune by various means, and lived in 
 tolerable repute, as a praiStifing attorney ; till he 
 quarrelled with the author hereof ; who has fuice 
 expofed him in fundry witty paragraphs, pointed 
 epigrams, flinging repartees, facetious verfes, bit- 
 ing epifties, humorous acroftics, fliarp railleries, 
 keen retorts, brilliant quibbles, and anonymous 
 ftanzas. 
 
 (b) Let Faulkner hoajl, y<r.]— George Faulkner, 
 printer, bookfeller, and author of the Dublin Jour- 
 nal. He hath lived with the firft wits of the pre- 
 fent age in great credit, and upon a footing of much 
 intimacy and kindnefs. He is well known to have 
 been the particular friend of the Dean of St. Pa- 
 trick's, and at this moment correfponds with the 
 Earl of Chefterfield, whofe letters will be publifh- 
 ed by him immediately after the demil'e of faid EarL 
 
 He
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 315 
 
 For law and wit we read your page, 
 
 P 2 Which 
 
 He was fent to Newgate by the Houfe of Corn- 
 mons, in the year 1738, for his fteadinefs in pre- 
 varicating in the caufe of liberty j and fworn an 
 alderman of Dublin in the year 1770 : fined for not 
 ferving the office of fheriff in the year 1768. His 
 Journal (to which he hath lately added a fourth co- 
 lumn) is circulated all over Europe, and taken in 
 at the coffee-houfes inConllantinople, befides Bath, 
 Briftol, Boftcn, Tunbridge Wells, Brighthelmftone, 
 Virginia, and Eyre-Connaught. In his paragraphs 
 he hath always ftudied the proiperity and honour of 
 his native country, by ftrenuoufly decrying of whi- 
 ficey, projeding cellars, holes made by digging for 
 gravel in the high roads, voiding of excrements in 
 the public ftreets, throvv^ing of fquibs, crackers, 
 fky-rockets, and bone-fires ; by M'hich many lives 
 are loft, men, women, and children maimed ; fick 
 perfons difturbed out of their fleep j eyes burned out, 
 and horfes ftartled ; recommending it to Archbiili- 
 ops, Dukes, Lords, Privy Counfellors, Generals, 
 Colonels, Field Oilicers, and Captains, to fall dov/n 
 precipices, tumble into cellars, be overturned by 
 rubbilh thrown in the ftreets, in order to remove 
 nuifances j diffuading all bloods, bucks, fmarts, 
 rapparees, and other fuch infernal night-walkers, 
 from committing jnan-flaughter upon pigs, hack- 
 ney horfes, watchmen's lantern's, and other enor- 
 mities : profane curung and fwearing,- and break- 
 ing the Sabbath, and the commandments j exclaim- 
 ing againft the importation of potatoes, and advi- 
 fing to grow more corn j inciting to virtue by cha- 
 radlers in his Journal, and calling upon the magi- 
 ftrates to do their duty. — The Earl of Chefterfield 
 compareth him unto Atticus a Roman Baronet, and 
 
 fundry other compliments. — yV. B. His nephew 
 
 Todd, continueth to make the beft brav/n, and 
 
 hath
 
 3i6 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Which guides the courts and charms the 
 
 ft age. (c) 
 The ermirCd fages quote your Plem^ 
 And children hfp your roundelays. 
 On Fancy's wing aloft you foar. 
 To praife Monroe, (d) and Letty Gore ; 
 
 Their 
 
 hath lately imported a large quantity of James's 
 Powders. 
 
 Beiides the great men above-mentioned, as Dean 
 Swift and the Earl of Chefterfield, who at prefent 
 correfpond with the author hereof, he hath the moft 
 kind, affeQionate, and complimentary letters from 
 the celebrated Mr. Pope, of which the following 
 underM'ritten Epillle is a copy. 
 *' To Mr. George Faulkner, Bookfeller, in Dublin, 
 "SIR, 
 *' I hear you have lately publiilied an edition of 
 *' Doftor Swift's Works : fend it to me by the firft 
 ** opportunity, and alfure the Dean that I am ever, 
 *' his fnicere and afFeftionate fervant. 
 
 " Alexander Pope." 
 Alfo the following moft friendly letter from the fa- 
 mous Mr. Wilkes. 
 " To Alderman Faulkner, Dublin. 
 "SI R, 
 *' As I have no further occafion for your Journal, 
 *' I defire you will difcontinue fending it to your 
 " humble fervant, John Wilkes." 
 
 (c) Which guides the courts, and charms the Jiage.'\ 
 Howard hath publiflicd Pleas on the Exchequer 
 
 Equity ; Rules of Chancery ; Alm.eyda, or the Rival 
 Kings, a Tragedy ; the Siege of Tamar, and the 
 Female Gamefter in Manufcript. 
 
 (d) To praife Monroe.] — This hinteth unto the 
 under-written ftanzas of fa id Howard, whereby he 
 advifeth and encourageth a painter to proceed in 
 
 painting
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 317 
 
 Their charms fliall laft in fong divine, 
 
 P 3 Like 
 
 painting faid lady, and likewife publicly declareth, 
 that he himfelf will be an adventurer, and will dare 
 to undertake to compleat, and alfo to finifli the 
 piece, by partly fupplying feme hints, whereby laid 
 painter may be forwarded in his work. 
 
 To a certain nobleman, on hehtv told he had lAjiJhcdfor 
 the piUure of a celebrated beauty. 
 
 Fond fwain, I hear your wifli is fuch. 
 Some painter fliould on canvals touch. 
 
 The beauties of Monroe ; 
 But where's the adventurer will dare. 
 The happy mixture to prepare. 
 
 Her peerlefs charms to ihew. 
 
 Yet by thofe radiant beauties fir'd. 
 And my ambitious mufe infpir'd. 
 
 Let me fome hints fupply : 
 To nature's ftores then ftraight refort. 
 Cull ev'ry tint, the goddefs court. 
 
 This piece to dignify. 
 
 — Firft, let the cheek with blu/Ties glow, 
 Juft as when damalk rofes blow, 
 
 Glift'ning with morning dew ; 
 Contrafted with the virgin white, 
 With which the lily glads the fight. 
 
 Blend them in lovely hue. 
 
 And truly then that cheek to grace. 
 Upon her flowing treffes place. 
 
 The chefnut's auburn down ; 
 Her lips you may in fort depaint. 
 By cherries ripe, yet ah 'twere faint. 
 
 Should them with her's be ihewn. 
 
 Next
 
 3i8 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Like embryos preferved in wine, (e) 
 
 Your 
 
 Next, let two eyes with luftre gleam. 
 Even as the fun's reflefted beam. 
 
 Upon the glafly lake ; 
 Tinge it with dye of brilliant jet. 
 Let it in milk be fweetly fet, 
 
 Each wand'ring heart to take. 
 
 Let the tranfparent web of lawn. 
 Be o'er the virgin bofom drawn. 
 
 As fair — yet cold as fnovi^ ; 
 That love may thro' the veil efpy, 
 What elfe were more than mortal eye, 
 
 Cou'd view and fafely know. 
 
 But O to trace th' internal grace, 
 
 That beams divinely in her face. 
 How vain the mufe would foar : 
 
 If e'er celeftial cherub came, 
 
 To blels thy fight, in myftic dream. 
 
 Snatch that the tafk is o'er. 
 
 (e) Like embryos prefewed in ivine.^ — Embryo's 
 r.re young children v/hich are not born, which Ana- 
 tomiils after they come into the world preferve in 
 fpirits of wine in bottles. There is the fined col- 
 ledlion of thefe in the known world, in the College 
 Anatomy-houfe, in Dublin j alfo many human 
 figures of both fexes in wax, in the fadt of child- 
 bearing, a dead fliark, and an Egyptian mummy, 
 as old as king Charlemaigne. — It may be of great 
 fervice to families v/ho are apt to keep their children 
 in bottles, to mention an accident which happened 
 by this means, to a perfon who was my particular 
 acquaintance. Being taken in the night with a vi- 
 olent tooth-ach, and wanting to fwage it with bran- 
 dy, or fome hot liquor, he llarted out of bed in the 
 dark, and feized a bottle which he found on the top 
 of the chimney, but being furprized to meet fome- 
 
 thing
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 319 
 
 Your claffic pencil finely traces, 
 
 The beauties of the Sister Graces ; (f ) 
 
 P 4 When 
 
 thing folid between his teeth, he cried out to his la- 
 dy, who was afleep by his fide, what's this in the 
 bottle over the chimney ? and was much concerned 
 and ready to vomit, when Hie replied, that it could 
 be nothing elfe but poor little Dickey. — By burying 
 them decently as foon as they are born, it may pre- 
 vent their being drank, and other accidents to 
 which bottled children are liable. 
 
 (f) The beauties of the SisTEYi Graces.] — Three 
 Mifs Montgomeries, on whom Howard wrote the 
 following under-written verfes printed in thefe 
 notes. 
 
 On the ahfence and return of the THREE FAYOUR- 
 ITE Sisters. 
 
 Of late Love's Queen all in defpair. 
 Fled through each region of the air. 
 
 Her graces were aftray : 
 To feek them Maia's winged fon, 
 From Pole to Pole with fpeed had run. 
 
 It was a buftling day. 
 
 Cupid who had to earth been fent, 
 Return'd, with hafte and toil near /pent. 
 
 And vow'd he faw them there : 
 That 'tv/as on fam'd lerne's fhore, 
 Than which with beauties none fhines more, 
 
 On tlie tereftrial fphere. 
 
 Straightway a troop of little Loves, 
 
 Who tend their Queen v/here e'er Ihe moves. 
 
 And bafk in her fweet eyes : 
 Flew for the nymphs, whom, when they brought. 
 Alack ! 'twas found the urchins caught. 
 
 The three Montgomeries. 
 
 Soon
 
 20 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 When in an eafy vein you tell us, 
 
 Of Love'j miftake, and Venus jealous. 
 
 His fire, his fortune to improve, 1 
 
 To ftudy law young Ovid drove, (g) ?• 
 
 He heeded nought but verfe and love. J 
 
 The fame thy vein ; — but happier you. 
 Can make eftates and verfcs too ; 
 In both you equally fucceed, 
 Refiftlefs when you fmg or plead ; 
 Thus by the force of d iff 'rent arts, 
 Men lofe ther lands, and maids their hearts. 
 
 Oh how each breaft with rapture glow'd, 
 At your fublime Pindaric Ode : (h) 
 
 With 
 
 Soon as their charms flione full to view,' 
 The Paphian Goddefs jealous grew, 
 
 She fear'd her future reign : 
 Her boy ihe chid for his miftake, 
 Nor would forgive, 'till he took back. 
 
 The three to earth again. 
 
 (g) Tojludy lavj young Ovid eiro-JS."] — Ovid, Cther- 
 vv-iie called Nafo, a famous poet in the reign of Au- 
 guft'js. He wrote feveral books of A4etaniorpho(is, 
 or the changing of one thing into another, Love 
 Epiftles, and Faft Days : he was not called to the 
 bar, nor ever praftifed as an attorney. For further 
 particulars fee his works, In Ufum Delphini, print- 
 ed and fold by me in Parliament-ftreet. 
 
 (h) ^t your fuhlime Pindaric Odc.'\ — Howard 
 wrote an Ode on his Majeftj's Birth-day, which 
 much refembleih Bryden's en the Feaft of Alexan- 
 der. I have confulted fundry of the beft critics, 
 judges, and genifufes ; Mr. Dexter, who keepeth 
 the Four-Courts Marfhalfea ; Mr. Kavanagh, at- 
 torney at law J Mr. Croker ; Alderman Emerlbn, 
 
 at
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 321 
 
 With your applaufe the Garden rings, (i) 
 When you defcribe the bell of Kings ; 
 All hearts to loyalty you tune, (k) 
 
 P 5 'Till 
 
 at the Spinning-wheel, Caftle-ftreet, and others ; 
 who all aflure me they don't think Howard's Ode 
 fuperior to Dryden's. In my own opinion, Dry- 
 den's is preferable. — For inftance, the following 
 Stanzas equal, if not fuperior to, any of the afore- 
 faid Poet's, or of Swift, Pope, Pindar, Plutarch or 
 C Gibber. 
 
 I. 
 Celeftial maids defcend and fing 
 With rapture touch the trembling firing ; . 
 To hail the fun of this aufpicious morn, 
 On which the Star of Britain's ifle was born. • 
 
 II. 
 While conquerors joy in din of arms. 
 And ihake the Globe with dire alarms i 
 Great G e o r g e's glory is to be 
 The beil, the Father of the free. 
 
 III. 
 When death fliall blot out every name. 
 And time iliail break the Trump of fame : 
 When tongues ihall ceafe, and worlds eonfume 
 Thy fame Ihall lall, th}' glories bloom. 
 
 (i) With your applaufe the Garden rings. '\ The 
 
 Garden, commonly called the New-Gardens, or 
 D06I or Bartholom.ew A-Iofs's Gardens. They were 
 opened in the year 1757, and an hofpital erefted for 
 lying-in women. 'Tis an excellent charity, and a 
 ftately edifice.— This note was fent me by an inge- 
 nious friend, who defircs his name may not be made 
 public. 
 
 (k) All hearts to loyalty to tune.] — The people of 
 Ireland are remarkable for a great deal of loyalty, 
 and thick legs : as proof of this, the Government 
 
 goes
 
 322 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 *Till Jacobites turn Whigs in June ! (I) 
 V/ell Bartlemon' (m) you may take pride in 
 A bard who foars above old Dryden ; (n) 
 
 For 
 
 goes in their coaches every 4th of November round 
 the llatue of his Majefty King George II. at 
 Stephen's-green, in honour of King William III. 
 who hath one of his own in College-green, of glo- 
 rious and immortal memory, whom God long pre- 
 ferve. 
 
 (1) Jacobites turn Whigs in June.^ — The furious 
 blind rank fticklers for the Houfe of Stuart, were 
 called Jacobites, becaufe they abhorred, detefted, 
 and difliked King William Hid. of glorious and im- 
 mortal memory. I knew a Jacobite of great learn- 
 ing, parts and erudition, who was found fmothered 
 alive in the Black-hole at Calcutta, with my Jour- 
 nal in his fob. 
 
 (m) Bartlemon.'\ — A celebrated mufician, who 
 playeth upon the fiddle at the New-Gardens, or 
 Doftor Bartholomew Mofs's Gardens. He fet 
 Howard's ode to mufic, on the birth-day of his 
 Majefty George III. whom God long preferve. 
 
 Vi-uat Rex. 
 
 (n) A hard 'who foars ahonje old Dryden.^ John 
 
 Dryden, a poet, v/ho was well known in the reign 
 of Charles II. He was born of a gentleman's fa- 
 mily in Northamptonlliire. In order to give his 
 Countrymen of Ireland fome more intimate know- 
 ledge of him, (no author's works having a better 
 fale at my fhop in Parliament-ftreet) I undertook a 
 journey to London, to colleft materials for his life ; 
 but after remaining there three months for this pur- 
 purpofe, I could only learn that he was accuftomed 
 to fit in a big chair among the wits at Button's j and 
 this my friends telling me not being fufficient for a 
 life of faid poet, I accordingly difcontinued it. 
 
 I alfo begun a life of the Dean of St. Patrick's,
 
 The BATCH EL O R, 323 
 
 For who that Howard's Ode can tafte. 
 Will relifh Alexander's Feaft ? 
 Shou'd foolifh George attempt to turn all 
 Your works to burlefque, in his Journal, 
 You'll make him of your wit the butt. 
 And prove a deadlier foe than Foote. (o) 
 
 For 
 
 in a ftyle which was much admired, and equal to 
 the fine fimplicity of the Greeks, and the Dean him- 
 felf, which I begun in this manner. " Dean Swift 
 *' was a man who had wax in his ears." I am in 
 pofleflion of many other anecdotes, known to no 
 perfbn now living, and when they are compleated 
 it will be publifhed by me and my executors in Par- 
 liament-ftreet. 
 
 (o) And pro've a deadlier foe than FDOte.'\ — Samuel 
 Foote, Efq; manager of the Theatre-Rcyal in the 
 Hay-Market, London. He expofed Alderman 
 Faulkner, under the charafter of Peter Paragraph, 
 in one of his pieces, afted upon Smock-alley ftage 
 in Dublin. He was profecuted for faid offence by 
 Mr. Faulkner, and tried before Mr. Juftice Robin- 
 fon, who inveighed very eloquently againft ftage- 
 players, and faid he might be confidercd as rubbiih 
 or a dunghill, and brought under the head of nui- 
 lances. — The learned council for the profecutor, 
 alfo compared him unto Ariftophanes, and the al- 
 derman unto Socrates ; adding alfo, that Socrates 
 was not the worfe for the comparifon. The play- 
 houfe would have run with blood on this occafion, 
 and many fwords would have been drawn, had not 
 Mr. Faulkner prevailed on his friends (who were 
 prefent every night of the reprefentation) to hear 
 the piece out, and let him take his remedy by law ; 
 
 to which they very obligingly confented. N. B. 
 
 Said Foote hath with impunity expofed upon the 
 ftage, feme of the greateft men, and greatefl wits 
 
 now
 
 324 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 For tho' good-natur'd all your life. 
 
 Averfe to calumny and ftrifc. 
 
 Yet Satire's fting you can impart, 
 
 Tho' oft good-nature hides the dart : 
 
 On thirties thus foft down we fpy, 
 
 Yet underneath fharp pvicides lie. 
 
 In vain the Freeman aid fhall bring, 
 
 " You're not a bee without a rting ;" (p) 
 
 Tho' wifely ev'ry fweet you cull. 
 
 Of which your apothegms are full, (q) 
 
 Your 
 
 now living j fuch as the late Duke of Newcaftle, 
 Mr. Glover, the late Alderman Beckford, Mr. 
 Langford the auftioneer, Mr. Peter Taylor, and 
 the Rev. Mr. Whitfield. He loft his leg by a pro- 
 vidential fail from his horfe, in company with his 
 late Royal Highnefs the Duke of York, at the feat 
 of the Earl of Mexborcugh, he was taken up much 
 bruifed, and the amputation was performed by 
 Surgeon Bromfield. 
 
 (p) ** Toure not a bee nuithout a Jiing.''^'\ — There 
 is a peculiar felicity (as I am told) in this compari- 
 fon of Howard unto a bee, although the Epiftle 
 layeth that he "is not a bee," for whereas a bee 
 never refteth upon one bud or flower, but flyeth 
 about in wandering and uncertain angles, from 
 fhrub to fhrub, and from Hollyhock to poppy, 
 and never is content until his bags be filled : fo 
 Howard hath amaffed an ample fortune by different 
 occupations j and alfo hath compleated a volume 
 of apothegms, from the divers rich fpoils of learn- 
 ing which he hath happened to encounter in his 
 poring over books, many of which he hath had ac- 
 cefs to in my lliop in Parliament-ftreet. 
 
 (q) Of vjhich your apothegms are full. Some of 
 
 the greateft geniufes of antiquity, and the moderns, 
 
 have
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 325 
 
 Your verfe the Irifh (r) Shamrock y^wj. 
 You ftamp your genius on its leaves : 
 
 St. 
 
 have taken particular delight in coUefling all the 
 wife fayings, and brilliant proverbs of the cute ob- 
 fervers upon men, manners, and things — an excel- 
 lent colle6tion of this fort is to be found in one of 
 the laft pages of Boyer's French Gentleman's 
 Grammar. But I am informed that the Lord 
 Bacon, Baron Verulam, Vifcount St. Albins, and 
 Plutarch, have been more induftrious in this v/ay 
 than any of their cotemporaries, the moderns. 
 Hov/ard, in imitation of thefe fupernatural wits, is 
 alfo the author of a compilation of an oftavo vo- 
 lume, under the title of Howard's Apothegms, col- 
 lefted from Bacon, Plutarch, Sir John Fielding, 
 Julius Caslar, The Wit's Vade Mecum, Solon, a 
 Chriftmas Box for Young Ladies, Taylor's Holy 
 Living and Dying, and the Buck's Companion. 
 
 (r) Tour 'verfe the Irljh SH\ws.ocYi Javes."] 
 
 This moft certainly meaneth the multifarious col- 
 leflion of poems, printed in a thick volume in 
 quarto, at the inftigation of Mr. White, the writing- 
 niafter, in Grafton-ftreet, by fubfcription, for his 
 benefit, which confifteth of his pupils, their fathers, 
 grand-mothers, aunts, parents, coufins and other 
 kindred, whofe names are made public for the en- 
 couragement of the work. — Said Mr. White further 
 teacheth, and inftrudteth, young mafters, mifTes, 
 and other children who are come to their full 
 growth, in the Whole Circle of the Sciences, fuch 
 as Salmon's Gazetteer, aftronomy, the whole fe- 
 cret of fpelling made eafy to the meaneft capaci- 
 ties, the ufe of their letters to thofe who cannot 
 read, geography, the true meaning of the globes, 
 hiftory and other branches of the mathematics.—— 
 The big book of Madregals which he publi/lied he 
 ftyleth the Shamrock, it being corapofed of the 
 
 choicefl
 
 326 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 St Patrick with a gracious fmile, 
 
 Beholds thee poet of his ifle, In 
 
 choicefl: pieces of wit and humour which ever ap- 
 peared, and doth great honour to the geniufes of 
 this kingdom, it having been wrote altogether by 
 Iriilimen, ladies, and other lords of quality fince 
 the revolution. — Here followeth two of the mofl: 
 admired verfes in the whole produdion, one being 
 An Epigram on " a lady employed in the office of 
 blowing a turf 'hr^ with her pettycoat, for want of 
 a pair of bellows." — And the other on faid lady, 
 " who was fo difaftrous as to fpill a dilli of tea 
 upon her apron." Which will do for a faniple of 
 the reft, they being equal, if not fuperior, to any 
 of the foregoing, or thofe inferted after. 
 
 Epigram. On a cup of tea, fpilt in a ladys lap. 
 
 Mourn not, Amir a, that to love's abode 
 The warm adventurous ftream prefumed to prefs. 
 
 Not chance, but fome unleen admiring God 
 In rapturous ardour fought the fweet recefs : 
 
 Nor doubt what Deity, fo greatly bold 
 In form unufual thus iliould vifit thee ; 
 
 The God, who ravifh'd in a fliower of gold 
 Can charm the fair one in Imperial Tea .' 
 
 Epigram. To a young lady hloiuing a turf -fire with 
 her petticoat. . 
 
 Ceafe, ceafe, Amira, peerlefs maid .' 
 
 Though we delighted gaze. 
 While artlefs you excite the flame 
 
 We perifh in the blaze. 
 Haply you too provoke your harm 
 
 Forgive the bold remark, 
 Your petticoat may fan the fire 
 
 But, O, beware a Spark. 
 
 In
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 327 
 
 In bufkin'd dignity you fliine. And 
 
 In the fame ftyle and form, and I think more 
 flinging, I made an Epigram on my Nephew Tom 
 Todd, (which Mr. White promifeth to infert in his 
 next edition of the Shamrock) who is always ftir- 
 ring and rooting the fire becaufe he thinks he never 
 can be hot enough, fmce he was fun-burnt in the 
 Eaft-Irdies, it being there dog-days all the year over 
 fummer and winter, as it is with us in the dog-days 
 in Auguft. — Tom Todd, fays I, extempore. You 
 put me to a great fupernumery expence in Coals, 
 which cofts me a great deal of Cole. — Cole is a 
 cant word among my news-boys and other black- 
 guards, for ca ill, pounds, fliillings, pence and far- 
 things. This I have briefly expreffed in my excel- 
 lent Epigram, which is as followeth. 
 
 Tom Todd the fire always prokes, 
 
 For he's a hearty foul ; 
 His unkle cannot slack, his jokes. 
 
 But always pays the Cole. 
 
 Mr. Howard was very much enraged becaufe Mr. 
 White did not print fome of his anagrams and 
 acro{lics in the body of the work, though he had 
 no jufl: pretenfion thereto, he not having been one 
 of Mr. White's pupils, nor a fubfcriber to his book, 
 who to pacify his rage made an Appendix to make 
 room for him. — N. B. TheSnAMKocK is a green 
 herb, which groweth and flouriflieth among the 
 grafs, in our pleafure gardens and in the open fields 
 on St. Patrick's birth-day, which commonly hap- 
 peneth on the 17th day of March, and is v/orn by 
 mofl: people at home and abroad, efpecially at court 
 in croffes in honour of the Saint, who was the firll 
 chriftian billiop of Armagh, and converted the poor 
 infatuated natives of this country from the errors 
 of the church of Rome, by the help of the Sham- 
 rock as faid White obferveth.— He likewife banifli- 
 
 ed
 
 328 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 And prove your claim to Norfolk's line; (f ) 
 
 That line which puird/^«<7//a down, 
 
 And always prop'd the church and crown, (s) 
 
 You prove what riches tillage yields, (t) 
 And fmiling plejity crowns our fields j Sure 
 
 ed toads, ferpents, frogs, fnakes, wolves, bears, 
 nightingales, and other venemous creatures, but 
 was pleafed to leave us crabs, lobfters, rabbits and 
 other fca fowl. — The comuion people moft com- 
 monly get drunk on this day with whifkey, which 
 occafioneth much fighting, quarrelling, maiming, 
 bruifing, bad language, and other accidents. 
 
 (f) And prove your claim to Norfolk^ s litie.] — The 
 Duke of Norfolk's name is Howard, from which 
 Gorges Howard is defcended in a ftraight line, his 
 ancertor being the Hon. Mr. Edward Howard, 
 who was alfo reputed a great dunce in the reign 
 of King Charles the lid. and compofed feveral plays 
 and tragedies, fuch as the Britifli Princes, King 
 Arthur, &c. which fufFered much abufe and pro- 
 vocation, from the witty noblemen of the day, be- 
 ing the Earl of Dorfet, Mr. Dryden, Lord Roche- 
 fter, Mr. Butler author of Hudibras, the Duke of 
 Buckingham and others. 
 
 (s) j4nd altvays prop'd the church and cro'ivn.]—— 
 Mr. Hov/ard is church-warden of Mary's church, 
 and was employed as an attorney by the Rev. Mr. 
 Mofes Magill, the curate of the parilh to fpeak 
 againft the Prefbyterians, who refufed to pay faid 
 Mofes for dlfturbing them with prayers early in the 
 morning at an unfeafonable hour, though they never 
 attended divine fervice ; which Mr. Howard did, to 
 the univerfal fatisfa(5tion of all his pariHioners at a 
 veftry. — He is likewife folicitor to the crown, for 
 the quit rents, cafual revenue, and other forfeited 
 eftates. 
 
 (t) Tou prove ijobat riches tillage yields. \ — Howard
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 329 
 
 Sure all who read you muft allow. 
 You write as if you held the plough. 
 You prove by ploughs the kingdom's fed, (u) 
 That ficiiires cannot ferve for bread: 
 From whence 'tis plain this lazy nation. 
 Owes to you pen its prefervation. 
 
 My mufe the Architect now greets, 
 Whofe lofty domes adorn or ftreets j (w) 
 
 Who, 
 
 is the author of feveral letters, figned Agricola, re- 
 commending tillage. I printed them without any 
 expence to the author, before our quarrel, but have 
 fmce declined it. He hath taken moft of his hints 
 from my paragraphs, and endeavoured to imitate 
 my fiyle and fpirit j but my friends tell me he hath 
 failed therein. 
 
 (u) Y'ou prove by ploughs the ki)igdo7iCs fed.^ 
 — Ploughs, an inftrument for turning up the earth, 
 v/ere firft invented by Triptolemus, a near relation 
 of the Goddefs Ceres, and afterwards much improv- 
 ed by Mr. John Wynne, Baker, of the Dublin So- 
 ciety — The Irifli formerly ploughed by the tail v/ith 
 the bullocks ; but upon Dr. Swift's voyage to the 
 Houynhams being publilTied, and his faying fo much 
 in pralfe of horfes, this barbarous, horrid, attroci- 
 ous, fliocking, deteftable, cruel, nefarious cuftom 
 was abolifhed by a£t of parliament. See an Abridge- 
 ment of the Irilh Statutes, fold by me in Parliament- 
 ftreet. 
 
 (w) Whofe lofty domes adorn our freets ] — Howard 
 owneth many houfes in Parliament-flreet. I built 
 my own houfe myfelf, Howard having nothing to 
 fay to it, nor fhall ever come within my doors, un- 
 lefs it be to pay for advertifements in my Journal, 
 or to buy medicines of my nephev/ Todd, — It may 
 be worth while to mention a very entertaining anec- 
 dote
 
 330 
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Who, Vanburg like, claims double bays, (x) 
 For piling flones and writing plays, 
 
 Your 
 
 dote (for the fatisfatStion of the curious) relating 
 thereunio : When my houfe was buiiding;, I hap- 
 pened to be out of the way one morning, penning 
 an advertifcment for an agreeable companion to pay 
 half the expence of a pott chaife, to fee that Itu- 
 pendous curiofiiy of narure, the Giant's Caufeway, 
 about which 'tis ftill a doubr amongft the learned, 
 whether it be done in the common way by Giants, 
 or v/hether it be an effort of fpontaneous nature, 
 nnd my houfe was ereded without any ftair-cafe j 
 whereby the upper ftories were rendered ufelefs, un- 
 lefs by the communication of a ladder placed in the 
 ftreet. But upon coniidering my misfortune in v^ant- 
 ing my member, apd the carelefnefs of hackney 
 coachmen, who drive furioufiy through the ftreets 
 at all hours, in a ftate of drunknefs from the fpiritous 
 liquors, whereby the ladder might be fhook or 
 thrown down when 1 was afcending it, I thought it 
 better to re-build my houfe, and it has at piefent a 
 ftair-cafe, by which there is a convenient and ele- 
 gant communication betv/een all parts of faid tene- 
 ment. — It is fomewhat remarkable that my houfe in 
 ElTex-flreet had no ftair-cafe, whereby nature feem- 
 eth to point out, that having but one leg, I ought 
 not to attempt climbing, and fhould always remain 
 on the ground floor 
 
 (x) IVho Vanhurg like, iffc ] — Sir John Vanburg. 
 He was a great poet and archlreft. I was not per- 
 fonally acquainted with him any farther than printing 
 his works, becaufe he died before my time. Being 
 imprifoned in the Baftile, and having no light, nor 
 pen or ink allowed him, he amufed himlelf with 
 drawing divers plans of the Baftile which he hath 
 flnce introduced Into many buildings with great fuc- 
 cefs, particularly Blenheim, which much refem- 
 bleth the Baftile.
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 331 
 
 Your (kill in{lru6ls Gymnaftic fchools, (y) 
 
 And Carte and Tierce reduc'd to rules. 
 
 Prove you the firfl: of mortal men. 
 
 To poife a fword, or point a pen. 
 
 New light on ev'ry art you ftrike. 
 
 And matchlcfs fhine in all alike ; 
 
 For who can tell if mod you're fkill'd in 
 
 The pen, the plough, the fword, or building? 
 
 A puny author may difclofe 
 
 Some fkill in rhyme, but none in profe; 
 
 In profe another fhews his wit, 
 
 Who can't a fingle ftanza hit : 
 
 Your foes unwillingly confefs. 
 
 In both you equal fkill pofTefs. (2) 
 
 On 
 
 (y) Tour Jkill inJiruBs Gymnajlick fchoDh.'[ — ^Ho- 
 ward wrote a treatife on fencing, and is accounted 
 an expert fwordfman — He declined accepting a chal- 
 lenge which I fent him to hght my nephew Todd, 
 (in the way of proxy) at the Ffteen Acres, with 
 piftols. I could not fight myfelf, becaufe I anx 
 pledged to the public for my Journal, three times a 
 week, and have the care of the city upon me in my 
 capacity of an alderman. My nephew was at firft un- 
 willing to accept the combat, but upon my promi- 
 fing to leave him the Journal after my death, and 
 making him take two fpoonfuls of his own Elixir 
 Files, he at lafi: confented. This medicine is only 
 imported by him, and is excellent for preven^ ing ac- 
 cidents by fudden death and megrims : It alfo cureth 
 all mortal wounds, by gun-lhot and other niilfive 
 weapons. 
 
 (z) In both you equal Jkill pnjjsjs.'\ — This, I con- 
 ceive alludeth to the following under-written letter 
 
 of
 
 332 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 On a true mirrour's polifh'd face. 
 All objeds thus we plainly trace. 
 
 But 
 
 of Mr. Howard's, from Killarney, with the fignarure 
 of PoBLicoLA, with a defcription, and likewife a 
 comparifon of the Giant's Caufeway, v/hereunio he 
 lubjoineth an infcription for the toinb-ftone of Dr. 
 Averel, bifliop of Limerick, and uncle to the right 
 hon. Francis Andrcvs, Provoft of Trinity-College, 
 Dublin, that reprefenteth the loyal city of London- 
 derry in parliament. N. B. That Killarney is a 
 
 fmall village of that name in the county of Kerry. 
 It is a market town, but doth not fend two members 
 to parliament, as moft other boroughs do. It is part 
 of the ell:ate of Lord Vifcount Kenmare, who hath 
 forfeited his title, he being a Catholic nobleman, al- 
 though very holpitable, and keepeth a moll plenti- 
 ful table, furnilhed with all the varieties the feafon 
 affords. I alfo had the honour to dine with him when 
 I journeyed into thefe parts, to fee the beauties of 
 this wonderous lake. 
 
 7o the Printer of the Dublin Mercury. 
 
 Sir, Killarney, Sept. 26th, 17 71. 
 
 I have at length feen what I have long wiflied to 
 fee, this wonderous lake ; to attempt to defcribe it 
 would require the ableft pen of the antient poets, or, 
 of modern poets, the famous painter of Killarney, 
 wherefore, I (hall never attempt it : — yet notwith- 
 ftanding all the beauties of the lake, I cannot think 
 it, as acuriofity, equal to the Giant's Caufeway ; I 
 have feen both, I never faw any thing like the 
 firft, nor any thing eqjjal to the latter ; this dif- 
 tinftion is agreed to by all I have mentioned it to. 
 But alas ! this lake has been the death of a man, 
 for whom the whole province here is in tears, the 
 
 late
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 333 
 
 But if in foots the Merc'ry lie,* 
 A broken image meets the eye. 
 
 O Howard ! is it not furprizing. 
 Your wit alone fhould ftop your rifing ! 
 Elfe on the bench you might be thruft. 
 The' flow as fnail, that crawls thro' duft. 
 
 By 
 
 late bifliop of Limerick, Dr. Averel, our country- 
 man: To fum up all fhortly as I can,' I heard 
 
 the people of Limerick, (where I was fhortly after 
 his death) fay, that there has not been fuch a bi- 
 ihop fince the time of the apoftles ; that the Romifh 
 clergy faid, they fhould not wonder, had he lived 
 any time, if they had loft many of their flocks. — 
 What obligations then are due to our Lord Lieuten- 
 ant, for having appointed fuch a man their paftor, 
 for though Heaven has pleafed to take him away, 
 his fuccefTor will hear fo much of him, that he can- 
 not but endeavour to imitate him .'' I heard this ac- 
 knowledged by feveral, as alfo for his concurrence 
 in appointing that well known friend to his country, 
 and their city, efpecially, fpeaker: from thefe and 
 many other like inftances ot his impartial conduct, 
 it is wiflied that we may never lofe him, — and every 
 day the advantage of a refident Vice-roy becomes 
 more and more manifeft ; that from this new mode 
 of government, there is far more likelihood that me- 
 rit will be rewarded, proper perfons appointed to 
 offices, and the laws fupported and executed. A 
 gentleman of your city happening to be at Limerick, 
 Ihortly after the interment of the bifhop, and hear- 
 ing the' prodigious great charadter of him from all 
 perfons, wrote the following lines, extempore, as 
 an infcription for a monument. 
 
 POBLICOLA. 
 
 Beneath
 
 334 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 By felf-conceit you might advance, 
 
 As quickfilver makes puddings dance, (a) 
 
 From 
 
 Beneath this marble ftone weep, mankind weep, 
 
 Averel, your friend lies wrapp'd in endlefs fleep ; 
 * Who, ior the poor alone, did fortune crave, 
 
 And deem'd himfelf but rich in that he gave ; 
 
 From whom, the pray'r of want, or plaint of woe 
 
 Ne'er did unpitied, or unhappy goe. 
 
 His mournful flock to their biefs'd paftor's praife. 
 
 With grateful heart this parting tribute pays. 
 
 Before our quarrel, Howard wrote the following 
 Epitaph on me, which had we continued friends, I 
 Ihould nor have been forry to fee put upon my tomb- 
 ftone, which I now accordingly publifh, that my 
 friends luay fee what an opinion Howard once en- 
 tertained of me. 
 
 Jn Epitaph on George Faulkner. 
 
 Beneath this Srone lyes fet 
 An Earthly Light, 
 George Faulkner. 
 To tell you what he was 
 Would be to tell the World 
 There was a Sun and Moon. 
 Oh then 
 But from this Star 
 Such Rays divine diverg'd 
 Hofpitality, Friendfliip, Love, 
 Tha" all who faw admir'd. 
 Can more be faid } 
 If ought, 
 Say it who can. 
 (a) As quichjilver makes puddings dance ] — No- 
 thing is more en'-ercaining to a large company, than 
 to fee a pudding vibra'ing, (haking, moving, and 
 dancing upon the diih, by means ot quickfilver io- 
 ferted into the body of it.
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 335 
 
 From men of fenfe fools win the day. 
 
 As horfes fly, when afTes bray. 
 
 O Tons of duloefs ! blefs'd by fate ! 
 
 Fitted for law, for church, and ftate ; 
 
 Your parent's influence prevails, 
 
 And gives her dunces — mitres— feals : 
 
 A Tifdall's depth, (b) a Tow^nfliend's wit 
 
 Is not for plodding bufinefs fit ; 
 
 An Eagle's wings were form'd for flight, 
 
 A Goofe's furnifh quills to write. 
 
 I'd alfo fing, if I were able, 
 Your generous wine, and feftive table ; 
 Where all thofe wits in crowds aflemble. 
 Who make the vile Committee tremble : 
 There, Donough's humour mirth provokes, (c) 
 While all admire his Attic jokes, (d) 
 Tho' oft to prove his tafte the belt. 
 He laughs alone at his own jefl: : 
 Then boafts how once his patron rofe. 
 And told the ftory of Three Crows ; 
 
 Which 
 
 (b) J TifdaWs eiept/j.]— The right hon. Philip 
 Tifdall, Attorney-General. 
 
 (c) There Donoiigh^s hutnour mirth pro-vohs ■]—' 
 The rev. Doftor Dennis, chaplain to the Lord Lieu- 
 tenant of Ireland ; author of many ingenious pieces, 
 
 (d) l^'^hile all admire his Attic Jokes.] — The peo- 
 ple of Attica were remarkable for the goodnefs of 
 their jokes, and for having the beft fait for prefer- 
 ring meat for foreign importation; by which means 
 they underfold ali their neighbours in the article of 
 fait provifions. I hope this may be a timely warn- 
 ing to this poor, undone, infatuated country — Attica 
 was called the Corke of Greece.
 
 336 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Which he'll infert, with meet apology, 
 In his new Syftem of Chronology ; (c) 
 And after mending Newton's qrrors, (f) 
 St. Audeon's — Arch he'll fill with terrors. 
 The Caftle tribe aloud confefs, (g) 
 Him great Alcides of the prefs, 
 Like that immortal hero known. 
 For fathering labours not his own. 
 B — w — s, in epigram fo fmart, (h) 
 
 'Till 
 
 (e) In his r.euo Syjlem of ChronolDgy,'\ — Dodlor 
 Dennis is at prefent engaged in digeftirg a new fyf- 
 tem of Chronology, under the ti:le of Chronologi- 
 cal and Hiftorical Dilfertations j which I fliall be 
 glad 10 print and fell at my fliop in Parliament- 
 ilreet. 
 
 (f) And after mending Ne^vtcns error s,?^ — Sirlfaac 
 Newton. He was made a kniaht by Qiieen Anne, 
 and mailer of the mint, a place worth loool. yearly. 
 He v/as reckoned a good mathematician, and was 
 very fond of looking through fpy-glaffes. 
 
 (g) The Caftle tribe aloud conffs.] — This alludeth 
 to the Doctor's being the fuppofed author of all the 
 political pieces v/hich appear in the Mercury 
 
 (h) The Reverend Dodor Lewis Burroghs, Cu- 
 rate of St. Thomas's, Dublin. He was bred a Sizer 
 or Servitor, in the College of Dublin, and dillin- 
 gullhed himfelf very much by his early difpofition to 
 write verfes, which appeared by his infcribing epi- 
 grams on moft of the Fellows trenchers, which he 
 had an oppaitunity of handling after they had dined 
 thereon. When he was too much hurried to con- 
 clude an epigram, v."hich happened fometimes by 
 the variety ot his occupation in taking away the 
 cloth, knives, fpoons, forks and other eatables, he 
 ■always filled up what was wanting in verfe by the 
 
 figure
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 337 
 
 figure of a goofe, a gander, or gofling, or feme 
 other emblematic type or fhadow, expreflive of his 
 difpofirion for fatire. Being very poor and having no 
 livelihood, he advertifed himfelf as a private tutor, 
 to inftrudl youth in morality, religion, geography, 
 law, phyfic, natural philofophy, botany, and the 
 globes, at ten pounds per annum. Being taken in- 
 to a gentleman's family on thefe terms, he was much 
 captivated by the beauty of a young lady who was 
 fifter to his pupil, and by the comelinefs of his per- 
 fon, being a fleek man, and remarkably polite in his 
 cloathing, he made fuch a way in this young lady's 
 afFeflions, whofe fortune was in her own power, 
 that he foon made a conquefb of her perfon, but 
 being alfo a man of great prudence, in which he 
 %vas certainly very commendable, he left her to 
 make the beft of her own foily, thereby conveying 
 a very ufeful lefTon to all frail young women, and 
 which he has often faid he hopes- (being the fole 
 reafon of his doing it) will be a timely warning to 
 prevent other ladies from falliag into fuch fnares. 
 He afterwards was preferred to a fmall living in the 
 diocefe of Derry, where he carried on the Protertant 
 religion with fo much zeal againft Papifls, efpecially 
 of the church of Scotland, that he fuffered divers 
 perfecutions in confequence thereof, which he bore 
 with the true meeknefs of a Chriftian clergyman, 
 being often kicked, cudgelled, bruifed, tweak'd by 
 the nofe, and otherv/ife infulted, which he bore 
 with great humility and patience. Hearing a great 
 charafter of the Earl of Hertford's adminirtration, 
 as remarkable for facts, homilies, penitence and tr>ie 
 religion, he propofed himfelf to his Excellency to 
 write epigrams, to fupport him againft Mr. Flood, 
 Brcwnlow, &c. who were feldom feen at church, 
 which he did with great fpirit and fuccefs. Calling 
 them geefe, ganders, goflings, afles, and other op- 
 probrious fowl and birds, in the Mercury. He v.as 
 fo perfecuted for his witty ;i-llufions, that he found 
 it neceflary to publifn an advertifement in my Jour- 
 Q^ nal,
 
 338 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 nal, April 24, 1770, fwearing thereby on the faith 
 of a ChrilViaii clergyman, that he had no coiicern, 
 'and never was the author of any produdion in laid 
 paper, and much blaming the printer Hoey, and 
 another gentleman, for difcovering that the letter X 
 in faid paper, was his property, ar.d ihat he was the 
 author of many produdlions therein, which bafu 
 condud on their parts he refentcd fo highly in this 
 impudent indecent manner, proving a Chriftian cler- 
 gyman a liar to the ruin ot his charadter, and the 
 great fcandal of his holy fundion, that it determin- 
 ed him to wrire in the Freeman's Journal without 
 the letter X, and as feldom as poliible to menuon 
 ganders, geefe and goflings. Soon alter he went in- 
 to the North, where he was taken into the conti- 
 dence of a gentleman of great fenfe and fortune, 
 who had near loll his unueiftanding by age and in- 
 firmities, and by the many fpiritual comforts he ad- 
 minillered to him, pretending to be a good Jacobite, 
 and an old Tory, in that condition he prevailed on 
 him to fupprefs all ties of blood and alliance, and 
 bequeath his fortune to a ftranger, inftead of three 
 very delerving daughters and their iffue, who were 
 difinherited. The Doctor's true reafon for this was 
 not to make himfelf neceffary to the heir for the 
 fake of the legacy which was left him, but for the 
 honour of the church, fhev/ing it is neceflary to 
 pay them refpeft in all families, and that though a 
 Chriftian clergyman may be tweaked by the nofe, 
 kicked, cuffed, and buftetted, yet the church fhall 
 abide, and the gates of Hell fhall nol' prevail againft 
 it. He hath the happy art of perfuading old ladies 
 who do not think of their fouls till they are in the 
 other world, to leave legacies in his hands for the 
 poor, which he applieth to the bell purpofes, mak- 
 ing himfelf and family, otherwife poor and diftreffed, 
 in a comfortable way thereby, until he is called up- 
 on in a public manner, to the fcandal of the church, 
 •when he produceth receipts figned after the com- 
 plaints from which his exemplary life and conduft 
 
 as
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 339 
 
 as heretofore mentioned, taketh away all colour. 
 His great genius for poetry, has not only appeared ia 
 his preaching a fermon on the fined text in Exodus, 
 chap, xxxii, v. 23, on Chritlmas day, " I wi.l take 
 " away mine hand and thou fhalt fee my back parts, 
 " but my face Ihall not be feen;" but alfo by writ- 
 ing birth day odes, in the manner of Mr. Vidor, 
 at the moderate price of half a guinea, poetry and 
 ftationary ware included. He hath a peculiar fa- 
 culty for witty epigrams : I have feledted a few as a 
 fpecimen of the Doctor's abilities : 
 
 What ! fweet Mifs Meredith of Chefter, 
 Efpous'd to Alderman Trecothic ! 
 
 That llupid cit— but what pofTefs'd her. 
 To chufe an animal fo gothic : 
 
 Some demon fure her mind milled, 
 
 To make a choice fo void of reafon ; 
 Elfe what could tempt the girl to wed, 
 
 A wretch who foon muft fwing for treafon. 
 
 X. 
 Batchelor Vol . i. Page 62. 
 
 A goofe in the oven ! no, fir, 'tis a flander. 
 As fome, who difcover'd the faft can declare. 
 
 For it was not a goo/e, but you a poor gander, 
 (As fools will be peeping) who thruft your head 
 there. ^• 
 
 Batchelor No. 25, Vol. i. Page 105. 
 
 The great Dodlor Phlogos has publiilied an order 
 That Counfellor Goflin iliall be our Recorder. 
 
 A, 
 An Epigram on reading the above. 
 
 We'er threatned by Phlogcs with an adicn of 
 
 flander. 
 For calling his fav'rite the fon of a gander. 
 In anfwer to which we fliall plead no excufe 
 But fliew that the Dcftor himfelf is a goofe, 
 
 <^2 SlJ
 
 3+0 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 'Till griping H — rt — d broke his heart, (h) 
 Now deals in Hebrew roots profound, 
 And only treads prophetic ground ; 
 Jerus'lcm Artichoke fupplies, 
 Thofe vifions that made Daniel wife. 
 
 The 
 
 So he and his goflin as birds of a feather 
 May both, when they pleafe, bring their aftions 
 together. X. 
 
 Another pUnifhment propofed for the gander. 
 
 Heigh ho ! that wicked bird produce 
 
 The gander that defamed the goofe. X. 
 
 Another Epigram. 
 
 How fliall we ufe the wicked gander. 
 
 That goes about retailing flander. 
 
 Why lince in fcandal he delights 
 
 Let him read all that Phlogos writes. X. 
 
 (h) ^ Till griping H—rt'-d broke his heart."] — Some 
 of my moft familiar and intimate critics and geni- 
 ufes is of opinion, that the poet meaneth gripping 
 Hertford, and that it ought therefore to be fpelled 
 with a double p. But I candidly and totally differ 
 from them, and profefcute my own opinion, in main^ 
 taining that it implyeth, that his Excellency the 
 faid Earl of Hertford, was grievoufly afflifted with 
 various diforders of the gripes, brought upon him 
 by windy flatulencies, mortal dry belly-achs, and 
 other pinching ficknefTes of the guts, during the 
 time he prefided over the chief government of this 
 his native country ; and that this was the whole 
 tote of his cafe is notorioufly known to every hu- 
 man creature, man, woman, or children, whether 
 in the Caftle, in the city, or the fuburbs of Dublin.
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 341- 
 
 The Dodlor proves to all the nation. 
 No myft'rys couch'd in Revelation. 
 'Till every goffip can explain. 
 What fage divines explore in vain. 
 No juggler ever play'd fuch tricks, 
 As he with John's feven candlefticks. 
 By whofe myfterious lights are fpied, 
 Wicklow's Severi Churches typified. 
 
 Next maudlin B ke, (i) whofe novels 
 
 pleafe. 
 Like fome old dotard's reveries,. 
 
 Without 
 
 (i) Nexf maudlin B ie, l^c-l — Henry Brooke, 
 
 Efqj an excellent poet, philofoplier, and patriot. 
 He hath for ibme time retired to his country feat in 
 the Bog of Allen, where he is carrying on great im- 
 provements, in laying the country underwater, and 
 fearching for hidden treafuresin the bottom of lakes, 
 ponds, marfhes, Qoughs, and other navigable rivers. 
 He publifhed a famous Novel, called. The Fool of 
 Quality, which Is fold in feperate volumes, or toge- 
 ther, at my fhop in Parliament-ftreet. There is 
 fo much variety in this piece, that the bell judges 
 agree, 'tis indifferent at v/hat part you begin to read 
 it, being beautifully interfperfed with Itorles of 
 beggars, trouts, foreign birds, and Indian prlnceffes. 
 The Earl of Chefterfield, as a proof of his efteeni 
 for his fine talents, made him a barrack-maiter. He 
 is a true friend to the religion of his country, and 
 hath written many excellent tradts in defence of 
 Popery, and the Proteftant perfuafion. He wrote 
 a ballad opera, called, Jack the Giant Queller, be- 
 ing a fatire upon the Lords Juftices of Ireland, 
 which was accordingly forbid to be reprefented. 
 The excellent tragedy of Guftavus was alfo flop- 
 ped for the fame reafon, by the Lord Chamberlain, 
 0^3 being
 
 242 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Without beginning, middle, ending, 
 
 To utile or duke tending. 
 
 With equal art, his genius pliant, 
 
 Can drain a bog, or quell a giant. 
 
 ^Vhilft one hand wounds each venal brother. 
 
 He for a bribe extends the other. 
 
 Your charadler's worth juft fo much. 
 
 As you afford, and he can touch : 
 
 With ev'ry virtue he abounds. 
 
 Who tips the patriot fifty pounds ; 
 
 Gold works ftrange wonders in his eyes. 
 
 Makes cowards brave, and dunces wife. 
 
 Like Svvifs, his hireling mufe engages, 
 
 On any fide that pays beft wages ; 
 
 One while ftaunch friend to Martin Luther, (k) 
 
 He finds pure light and gofpel truth there ; 
 
 Then 
 
 being a noble incitement to fedition, in the caufe of 
 liberty. He was at firft the conductor of the Free- 
 Pre!s, which truft he executed with great integrity, 
 taking divers funis of money frcin feveral public 
 officers, to prevent their being fatirized in faid Jour- 
 nal i which he did with great integrity. This 
 Journal is not fo univerfally circulated and admired 
 as mine, becaufe it containeth not fuch a variety of 
 interefting particulars, intelligence from foreign 
 courts, the Tranfit of Venus, high- water at Dub- 
 lin-bar, alfize of bread, failing and return of pack- 
 ets, births, deaths, and marriages ; not to mention 
 curious queries, and ingenious paragraphs. 
 
 (k) One ivhile Jiaunch friend to Martin Luther. "l—^ 
 A Roman Catholic Clergyman, efteenied a good 
 Preacher. He underftood Italian, French and other 
 languages. He quarrelled with the Pope of Rome 
 about 'Franfubftantiation and other church cere-
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 343 
 
 Then thro' the realm makes proclamation, 
 For Popery, Priefts, and Toleration. 
 He firft with many a fair pretence, 
 To public fpirit, truth, and fenfe, 
 Hatch'd that difgrace to law and reafon. 
 That mafs of flander, dulnefs, treafon ; 
 That Journal which the Arch produces, (1) 
 For fingeing fowl, or viler ufes. 
 
 Q^ 4. How 
 
 monies. Henry the Vlllth offered him the united 
 Biflicpricks of Clonfert and Kilmacduagh, in the 
 county of Galway, which he politely refufed, and 
 publilhed a virulent libel againft faid King. Said 
 King replied with much wit and humour, for which 
 the Pope prefented him a line Provence Rofe for a 
 Nofegay, and called him Defender of the Faith, 
 and fo forth. — Nicholas Luther, who liveth at the 
 fign of the Mitre and Punch Bowl, in Martin's-lane, 
 is defcended from faid Martin Luther. 
 
 (1) That 'Journal nvhich the Arch produces.'] 
 The Freeman's Journal is printed at St. Audeon's- 
 Arch, in Old Bridge-ftreet, Dublin, where contra- 
 ry to law, there is no Printer, nor any other perfon 
 who anfwereth queftions, but an old woman who is 
 dumb. The following anecdote happened once to 
 the Printer hereof. A gentleman came to his fliop 
 whom he had put amongft the deaths in his journal 
 the day before, and was much enraged to find him- 
 felf dead, as it occafioned fome confufion by thofe 
 who were in his debt coming to demand what was 
 dr.e to them, whereupon the author hereof adled in 
 this manner. Sir, faid I, 'tis impofiible for me to tell 
 whether you be alive or dead, but I'm fure I gave 
 you a very good character in my Journal. The 
 gentleman was fo pleafed with the repartee, that 
 he laid out thirteen fliillings and four-pence hali- 
 penny before he left my former fliop in Eflei-ftrcet.
 
 34+ The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 How chang'd from him whofe noble rage. 
 Brought great Guftavus to the ftagc. 
 And rous'd the Patriot's God-like fire, 
 In {trains which Stanhope might admire ! 
 Now A'letius' fate and his are one, 
 By all he's torn, that's true to none. 
 
 Macro, with college duft befprent, (m) 
 There mingles to give malice vent. 
 With various tongues thick fet as fame 
 And ev'ry tongue difpos'd to blame. 
 In ftudious Macro may be feen. 
 The copious Polyglot of fpleen : 
 He fearches old and nrcdern lore. 
 To learn to hate his neighbour more j 
 Fond of men's follies and their vices. 
 As beggar of his fores and lice is ; 
 With eyes like fox, and mouth like fhark. 
 That feems lefs form'd to fpeak than bark. 
 Let others while their bowls they quaft, 
 Diftend their lungs with heart-felt laugh} 
 In fhort fhrill fhrieks of fiend- Kke glee. 
 He proves his rifibility. 
 His knowledge, like a treacherous bacon 
 Holds out falfe lights to the miftaken. 
 And when they M'ander from their way. 
 Humanely leads them more aftray. 
 
 Yet 
 
 (m) Macro, tvith college duft bejprent.'\ — We 
 have not been able to difcover whom the author in- 
 tendeth to delcribe in thefe verfes : but fome inge- 
 nious friends conjecture that it is fome rev. gentle- 
 man, who underftandeth many languages, and 
 keef eth a play-houfe Miii.
 
 The B A T C H E i; O R. 345 
 
 Yet Macro, whofe peculiar pride 
 Is to expofe a friend's blind fide. 
 Can to more glaring folly ftoop : 
 Himfelf a bankrupt player's dupe. 
 
 There bafhful B n once was feen, 
 
 Miftaking dulnefs for the fpleen ; 
 
 Who fays, unfays, agrees, difputes, 
 
 And his own arguments confutes. 
 
 How eloquent in Ihrugs and fighs ! 
 
 In uplift hands, and winking eyes ! 
 
 What fupplication, what contorfions ! 
 
 His words half form'd, his thoughts abortions! 
 
 Such wriggling, grafping, pawing, leering. 
 
 You know not if its praife, or fneering. 
 
 Such fudden flops, and circumfledlions j 
 
 Such prefacings, and interjedliions, 
 
 With " ah, good Heaven," and " oh, my 
 
 " God, fir J 
 *' I'm wrong, I own, I kifs the rod, fir ; 
 *' There's weight and fenfe in all you utter" 
 ' — Mere prologues to an egg and butter; 
 That did not pudding fleeves declare him. 
 Some antic Scaramouch you'd fwear him. 
 Yet underneath that form uncouth. 
 Dwell learning, piety, and truth ; 
 And no diftortion can they find, 
 Who view him only in his mind. 
 
 But oh, what power more dull than fleep. 
 Does o'er my torpid fenfes creep ? 
 Does Morpheus fhed his poppies round ? 
 Do frefh-pluck'd cov/flips ftrew the ground ? 
 Do harps iEolian lull my ear ?
 
 346 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 Are drones of Scottifh bagpipes near? 
 Do beetles wind their drowfy horn ? 
 Are gales from fwampy Holland born ? 
 In vain with fnufF my nofe I ply. 
 In vain the power of falts I try, 
 I yawn — 1 nod — for CI — ke is nigh, (k.) 
 Let mifts and fogs inveft my head, 
 Let all the fathers pen'd be read, 
 
 1 
 
 Bid 
 
 (k ) / yarvn — / no J — for C I - - ke is nigh ] — The 
 rev. Dr. CI — ke, Vice-Provoil of Trinity-College, 
 Dublin. He hath a very fine tafte for poetry, which 
 plainly appeareth by the fpecimen annexed to this 
 piece, as it was firft publilhed. 
 
 On a lady's forgetting her riding hat. Written by ths 
 re-v. Dr. Cl ke, ixhi:n Vice-Provoji of Trinity- 
 College. 
 
 I. 
 Fair Anna had no heart to give, 
 
 So left her head behind. 
 Bright MiNA on whofe fmiles I live,. 
 Was not by half fo kind. 
 II. 
 Both head and heart Ihe with her brougbt,. 
 
 And both fhe took away^, 
 And with her carried all (he caught. 
 That's all t hat gaz'd that day. 
 
 in. 
 
 Ye nymphs that o'er nine wells prefide, 
 
 Intlruft the willing fair, 
 To give their hearts, whate'er betide^ 
 
 And hands when they come here. 
 IV. 
 So when we fee St. John's great eve. 
 
 The fires that round do move. 
 Shall each inftrufl us to receive 
 
 A hand and heart that glow with love.
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 347 
 
 Bid B nt recite his fpeech, (1) 
 
 F — ns plead, or Garnet preach ; (m) 
 
 Set mayor and aldermen before me. 
 
 Bid everlafting C 11 bore me, 
 
 Tell o'er again a thrice told tale, 
 Drench me with Port or ropy ale, 
 Be opium mingled with my drink, 
 My hands {han't fold, nor eye-lids wink : 
 But thefe vain boafts avail not now. 
 
 More ponderous CI ke to thee I bow. 
 
 When wilt thou eafe the groaning town. 
 Thou old caft troop horfe of the gown ? 
 What haft thou with the world to do. 
 Or what the world to fay to you ? 
 Thou can'ft not now in amorous glee. 
 Write madrigals to fifty -three (n) 
 
 And 
 
 (1) Bid B nt recite his fprech-l — The Earl of 
 
 B 1, Knight of the Bath ; famous for his 
 
 eloquence and perfonal accomplilliinen's. 
 
 (in) F ns plead, cr Gai-n?t preach.'] — Coun- 
 
 fellor John Fitz s — Dodor Garnet, Bifliop of 
 
 Clogher. He wrote an excellent Paiaplirafe on the 
 Hooic of Job. — The whole edition may be tound at 
 my Ihop in Parliamsnt-ftreet, 
 
 (n) IVrite madrigals to fifty -ihree.''^ — Various are 
 the conjeftures of the learned on this pafl'age, Mr. 
 Kavanagh is of opinion, that it alludeth unto the 
 political difputes which raged in the year fifty-three ;. 
 in which the Doftor may be fuppofed to have wrote 
 madrigals, to appcafe the minds of the people. My 
 nephew Todd inclineth to believe, that fomething 
 is intended wliich he can't difcover. For my own 
 parr, I opine, that it only referreth to the age of the 
 lady, who had attained her fifty-thiid year. It cer- 
 tainly
 
 348 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 And frifk in rhymes to pleafe the dame. 
 Which Chrillmas bell-man would difclalm. 
 
 Nor 
 
 tainly is not very genteel to ridicule this pafiion, 
 which is properly called all-powerful, to fhew that 
 it fpareth neither age nor condition^ ftation nor dig- 
 nity ; not to mention the example of Anacreon, 
 who was choaked with a grape-ftone, di inking the 
 health of his miftrefs, at the age of foiir-fcorc : I 
 am niyfelf this inllant a captive to the charms of a 
 lady who has paffed her grand climaderic, and have 
 addrelTed ma?iy founets to hei", in a ftyle no lefs ten- 
 der than the Doftor's, one of which, the moft ad- 
 mired by my friends, I have feleded, and venture to 
 publilli, as a proof of my pafiion, and a fpecimeii 
 of my poetical endowments. 
 
 To the Wido'Vi} — , on her taking a 'vomit of Ipe^ 
 
 cacuanha, 
 ?. 
 Soft reli£t whofe enchanting charms, 
 
 My captive heart enthrall ; 
 Whofe frown congeals, whofe kindnefs warms, 
 Like honey mix'd with gall. 
 
 n. 
 
 Say, when the naufeous draught you take. 
 
 On Faulkner will you think ; 
 And for thy own dear lover's fake j 
 His health in vomit drink. 
 III. 
 Difcharge, blight maid, the foul contents. 
 
 That now your ftomach bind ; 
 But oh ! be fure, at all events ; 
 Leave Love and George behind. 
 IV. 
 So when in fieve, well pierced with holes, 
 
 Where dregs of fire do reft, 
 W^ith fiiaking nought reniains but coals, 
 - To warm the riddler's breaft.
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 349 
 
 Nor can'ft thou now in fulfome ftrain. 
 Pen Jacobite addrefs again ; 
 And fcandalizing Alma Mater, (o) 
 Of right divine in monarchs chatter ; 
 Nor can'ft thou on extortion bent, 
 Raife infurreftions and thy rent, (p) 
 Then buzz no more, thou reverend drone. 
 But to thy kindred earth begone. 
 
 What figure next confounds my fight, 
 An Auftrian Count, an Irifh Khight ! (q) 
 
 With 
 
 (0) And fcandalizing Alma Mater. '\ — Mater, as 
 may be found in Littleton's Didionary, is Latin for 
 mother. My nephew Todd is of opinion, that the 
 Doftor mull have had fonie quarrel with his mother: 
 for my own part, how unwilling foever I may be to 
 find fault with my author, I cannot but agree with 
 Mr. Kavanagh, and other ingenious friends, that it 
 were better not to divulge family brangles. 
 
 (p) Raife ivJurreBions and thy rent,] — This relat- 
 eth to a recent fa£l which pafled about ten years ago 
 in the North of Ireland. The doctor being unwill- 
 ing, (for the benefit of the incumbent who was to 
 hicceed him,) that his living fhould be let at an u.n- 
 der value, infjfted with his parilhioners, who offer- 
 ed him twelve hundred yearly, to be paid fourteen;, 
 which they thinking unreafonable went to law, and 
 reduced it to the fum of 700I. This was the firft 
 beginning of the infurreQion called the Oak-Boys 
 in the North of Ireland. 
 
 (q) Afi Irijh Knight-] — There are feveral forts of 
 Knights. Knights of Malta, Knights of the Gar- 
 ter, the Bath and Thiftle, Knights of the Poft, 
 poor Knights of Windfor, Baronets and Batchelors, 
 and the Knight of Kerry. The Author hereof was 
 offered to be knighted in the 6eld, by the Earl of 
 
 Chefterfield
 
 350 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 With doleful phiz prefaging wonder. 
 Much German pride and Irifli blunder ; (r) 
 
 Which 
 
 Cheftcrficld in the Caftle : but confidering that faid 
 honour was to be conferred by the pollure of kneel- 
 ing, which is impollible to the Author hereof, by 
 reafon of his member, which he accordingly refut- 
 ed to accept, making divers acknowledgements for 
 declining faid honour. This objedion was near be- 
 ing removed by the ingenuity of my worthy friend 
 a Sixth Clerk, who befides his being a great fcholar 
 and critic, is alfo a moft excellent mechanic, and 
 contrived a leg of cork, with a fpring joint in the 
 knee, and turning out its toes as naturally as one 
 made of flefh and blood, and in this leg I praftifed 
 the pollure of knighthood by genu-flexion, my 
 friend holding a drawn fword over my flioulder, but 
 being too quick at the third rehearfal, in attempt- 
 ing to get up, atter fa'd friend had pronounced the 
 words *' rife up Sir George" I unfortunately fnap- 
 ped the fpring, and fell on my chin to the ground, 
 fo as to be much bruifed, and would have been fore, 
 but for the ufe of a falve, which is fold by niy ne- 
 phew Todd, for bruifes, maims, contufions, dido- 
 cations and other fcratches, in Parliamtnt-fcreet. 
 When the above leg is repaired, I propofe accept- 
 ing the order in it, which I am told his Excellency 
 the Lord Vifcount Townlhend is willing to confer 
 upon me in the fame manner as the Earl of Chef- 
 terfield. 
 
 (r) Much GermaJt pride and Irijh b}u7ider.'\ — The 
 Germans are fuppofed in general to be a proud peo- 
 ple : Julius Caefar, snd Mr. Nugent, give them this 
 charatter. The Irifli are very unjuftlv charged for 
 a particular talent in blundering ; bat it is well 
 known, that no people exprefs themfelves in their 
 native tongue, the Englifh, v/ith more perfpicuity 
 and precifion. The Dean of St. Patrick's, who the' 
 
 born
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 351 
 
 Which patriots, courtiers, ftill expofes, 
 Miftaking both their wit and nofes. (f ) 
 No brain but his cou'd e'er contain 
 Stories fo vapid, old and vain ; 
 
 So 
 
 born and bred in Ireland, always declared himfelf, 
 vi^hen fober, to be an Englilhman. It will nor, I hope, 
 be confidered as prefumption, that I add the authori- 
 ty of my Journal, which is confidered as a ftandard 
 of our language ; whereas I have always confulted 
 the particular property of di£tion, and may be bold 
 to challenge any author now extant, for fuch a va- 
 riety of tra£ts, written in fo unbleniifhed a purity^ 
 without any abbreviation of terminations, and a- 
 bounding in the heft chofen epithets. 
 
 (f ) Mijiaking both their ivit and no/es."] This 
 
 hereby referreth to the knights putting the fpeech 
 of one member of parliament into the mouth of 
 another by miftake, which was not fair play ; and 
 likewife alludeth to the old cuftom of formerly 
 reckoning members of parliament in voting, by 
 their nofes j but as this occalioned divers mis- 
 takes, when the tellers, were not fliarp-fighted 
 enough, and could not lee thofe members that 
 had fmall or no nofes, and fometimes reckoned 
 thofe that had large ones for two, it was there- 
 fore aboliilied, and members are now counted by 
 their bodies, which is generally larger, and pre- 
 venteth all confufion. — A particular a(5t of par- 
 liament was made in favour of the nofe, called. 
 The Coventry-a6t, to prevent its being cut off, 
 and other accidents with impunity. — The famous 
 Mr. Quin, the comedian, with whom I was likewife 
 acquainted, advifed a friend who was fubjeft to be 
 pulled by the nofe, to foap it, whereby it might 
 efcape and flip through the fingers, this not being 
 forbid in the Coventry-a<^.
 
 352 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 So Plutarch tells of poifon cold. 
 Which alFes hoof alone can hold. 
 Humour and mirth no more are found. 
 
 For C II calls a gloom around. 
 
 Lethargic dullnefs loads each eye, 
 
 Ev'n dunces pleafe, when C ll's by ! 
 
 Thus, funfhine, fparks from flint conceals. 
 Which darknefs of the nip^ht reveals. 
 In Pliny's learned page it's found, (s) 
 That lightning cannot fea-calves wound ; (t) 
 Congenial is the dunce's matter. 
 Callous to wit and pointed fatire. 
 Unfatisfy'd with nonfenfe faid. 
 He's now refolv'd to read us dead. 
 With pamphlets naufeating he'll puke us. 
 On Lord May 'r's feafts and Doctor Lucas, (u) 
 
 He 
 
 (s) In Pliny'' s learned page, y^.] — Pliny wrote 
 many books, and was killed by Mount Vefuvius 
 falling upon his head, though he always wore a pil- 
 low faftened to the top of his wig, to fave him 
 from that accident. 
 
 (t) That lightning cannot fea-calves ijuound.^ — An 
 animal that feldom appeareth on our fea-coafts, un- 
 lefs to fifiiermen in the main ocean. 
 
 (u) On Lord May'' rs feafcs and DoSior Lucas.'] — 
 a very remarkable apothecary, and member of par- 
 liament. He h'ved on Ormond-quay, in Dublin, at 
 the fign of Boyle's-Head, who was a famous drug- 
 gift. He was baniflicd from Ireland by a vote of the 
 Houfe of Commons, which confined him to New- 
 gate. He returned ro his native country by the fpe- 
 cial mercy of his Majefty, whom he hath always 
 continued to oppofe (for his good) in two parlia- 
 ments, where he reprefenteth the city of Dubh'n. 
 
 This
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 353 
 
 He fings of beggars blind and dark, 
 Like fonie old fnuffling parifli clerk : 
 
 For 
 
 This gentleman unfortunately died between the dif- 
 ferent edi ions of this work, which prevented that 
 accident being mentioned at firft. Being one of his 
 conftituents, and having a fcarf at his funeral, rid- 
 ing in my chariot, v/hicli I borrowed from one of 
 the fheriffs, when the greatell peers and patriots 
 walked on foot, 1 thought it my duty to celebrate his 
 memory by the following pailoral Dirge, which I 
 fent to the Freeman's Journal, of Saturday Nov. 9, 
 1771, which I knew it would pleafe the Dodor to 
 have it inferted in his favourite paper, under the 
 title of Corydon.- — The reader will obferve that I 
 have taken notice of the miferable diftrefied, dif- 
 trafted fymproms in which the Doctor has left the 
 kingdom in general, no cocks crowing night or morn- 
 ing, nor violets or prirarofes blowing in our plea- 
 fure gardens, the Dodtor having died when King 
 William was born, it being the fourth of Novem- 
 ber, 1771. 
 
 Sacred to the memory of Dodor Charles Lucas. 
 I. 
 
 Come every Nymph and every Swain, 
 Every Dryad of the Plain, 
 Ye Naiads from your Streams emerge 
 Join me in the mournful Dirge. 
 
 II. 
 
 Tune your Reeds to folemn found, 
 With cyprefs ftrew the hallow'd ground. 
 For ah ! your faithful Corydon 
 To the Elyfian field is gone. 
 
 III.
 
 354 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 For (lanzas vile he racl^s his brain. 
 And vainly mimicks Howard's ftrain ! 
 He writes, he hobbles, bows, and leers, 
 To gain a feat among the peers j 
 
 And 
 
 III. 
 
 See the prlmrofe droops it's head 
 The violets flide, the daify's dead j 
 Each flower in forrow dies away, 
 The kids and lambkins ceafe to play. 
 
 IV. 
 
 The tuneful race in ev:ery grove 
 Negleft their fong, ncgleft their love. 
 The village cock forgets to crow, 
 And grief fits perch'd on every brow. 
 
 V. 
 
 Hark the follemn telling bell, 
 
 Rings his laft, his funeral knell : 
 
 See the weeping train approach. 
 
 The black plumed hearfe and fable coach. 
 
 VI. 
 
 Lo lerne by his fide 
 
 Fainting mourns her greateft pride, 
 
 Sighing o'er his dear remains, 
 
 Her beautious cheek with forrow ftains ! 
 
 VII. 
 
 Tune your reeds to folemn found, 
 "With myrtle ftrew the hallow'd ground. 
 For ah ! your faithful Corydon 
 To the Elyfian (liades is gone.
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 355 
 
 And ev'ry abje£l art he tries. 
 
 To prove he's qualify'd to rife. 
 
 With panegyric he befpatters, 
 
 Degrading him he meanly flatters. 
 
 Ah ! purblind knight ! thy arts mifplac'd, 
 
 Think better of a Townfhend's tafte : 
 
 Fools only will fuch praife affume. 
 
 As Hottentots think greafe — perfume. 
 
 Mark v/ith what eafe his brain creates 
 
 Speeches nt'tr /poke ^ mifcall'd Debates, 
 
 'Till at the goddefs Dulnefs' fummons. 
 
 He makes one C U of the commons, (v) 
 
 Thou, Hutchinfon, (w^ whom every mufe 
 With winning grace and art endues, 
 Whofe power 'gainft prejudice contends 
 And proves that law and wit are friends, 
 In that promifcuous page alone 
 By letters J, H. H. art known. 
 
 In 
 
 (v) He makes one C // of the commons.'] 
 
 Doubts having arifen how the deficient vowels are 
 to be filled up, I confulted feveral friends : my ne- 
 phew Todd imagineth it meaneth caudle, a liquor 
 drank by lying-in ladies, as it is compofed of feve- 
 ral mixtures : (I think it beft when It is ftrong of 
 the white-wine.) Mr. Croker very ingenioufly 
 hinteth, he makes one cnrtfull of the commons ; 
 that is the commons all move together In the fame 
 machine. I think, with fubmiffion to better judg- 
 ments, that the word dunghill removeth all difficul- 
 ties, and correfponds exadlly with the author's 
 meaning, and with every thing but the text. 
 
 (w) Right Hon. John Hely Hutchinfon, Prime 
 Serjeant and Member for the city of Corke.
 
 356 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 In ihee Malone (x), the nation's boaft, 
 
 Precifion, law, and fenfe are loft. 
 
 Andrews (y) who knows with various fkill, 
 
 To rule the pafllons at his will. 
 
 Who like a wife muHcian feizes. 
 
 The tone which beft his audience pleafes. 
 
 Wonders to find Vivaldi funk 
 
 To a vile fcraper blind and drunk. 
 
 How oft on polifh'd Ofborne's (z) tongue 
 
 Pleas'd the attentive Senate hung ? 
 
 While parties emuloufly ftrove 
 
 Which moft fhould praife, what all approve. 
 
 Now view him in thj^faithlefs ftrain 
 
 Pert, peevifh, and peplexed as M ne. (a) 
 
 Gifborne (b) who fays — ^juft what he ought. 
 Who weighs, condenfes every thought, 
 Whofe logick, fadtion can controul. 
 And ftrikc convidion to the foul j 
 
 With 
 
 (x) Right Hon. Anthony Malone, Member for 
 the county of Weftmeath. 
 
 (y) Right Hon. P'rancis Andrews, Provoft of Tri- 
 nity-college, and Adember for Londonderry. 
 
 (z) Right Hon. Sir William Ofbone, Bart, one of 
 the Commiflioners of the Revenue, and Member for 
 the borough of Dungarvan. 
 
 (a) Sir William M e, Bart, lately a Privy- 
 
 Counfellor, and at prefent Member for Carysfort. 
 He is fuppofed to underftand hand-writing and ac- 
 compts as well as any book-keeper in Meath-ftreet, 
 he is very fond of cyphering and arithmetic, and 
 every day wanteth to know more of them. 
 
 (b) Major General James Gilborne, Member for 
 Lifmore.
 
 The BATCHELOR. 
 
 357 
 
 With energy no longer pleafes, 
 But worfe than bablingCr— m~r teazes. (c) 
 Think falfe retailer how each fprite. 
 Will haunt thy flumbers every night. 
 While thefe dread founds invade thine ear 
 And chill thy confcious foul v^'ith fear. 
 *' Where's Pery's (d) deep ironic fenfe ? 
 *' Where Flood's (e) impetuous eloquence? 
 ** Where witty Har ward's (f) well-timed 
 
 " jeft ? 
 ** In thy cold tale fo ill exprefs'd ? 
 
 " Where 
 
 (c) John Cramer, Efq; Member for the borough 
 
 of Belturbet, and feventh coufin to the E 1 of 
 
 L— s— h. 
 
 (d) Right Hon. Edmond Sexton Pery, Speaker 
 of the Houfe of Commons, and Member for the 
 City of Limerick. 
 
 (e) Henry Flood, Efq; Member for the borough 
 of Callan 
 
 (f) The late Counlellor William Harward, 
 Member for the borough of Lanefborcugh, he v/as 
 remarkable for wit and humour, and told many 
 pleafant ftories and fprightly bon mots, viz. feeing 
 once an officer of the Light Infantry who was very 
 little with a large plume of feathers in his cap (faid 
 the Counfellor) " If he had but a cork in his tail 
 " one might make a Suttle-cock of him." and at 
 another time meeting a young 'Squire who was juft 
 returned from abroad, and very conceited, " He is" 
 (laid the Counfellor) " fomething like my grey cir- 
 ** cuiteering horfe, the worfe for travelling." Thefe 
 bon mots my friends tell me, are not to be compar- . 
 ed with fome of my own, viz. what I faid to the 
 gentleman who was angry at being killed by my 
 
 - Journal,
 
 358 The B A T C H E L O R. 
 
 •* Where Langriflie, (g) French, (h) and 
 
 " Brownlow, (i) gone ? 
 *' Where the bright flame of Hamilton ? (k) 
 " Dull Chymift !— all exhal'd and fled ! 
 — Thy caput niortuum in their ftead. — 
 
 But whither, Clio, wou'dfl thou rove ? 
 Fond thy defcriptive pow'r to prove, 
 Refume the theme, refign'd too long, 
 Let How^ard's praife conclude the fong. 
 Maecenas puff'd by ev'ry quill, (1) 
 Sits higheft on the three-fork'd hill : 
 And lives for ever by the praife 
 In Horace's and Virgil's lays (m) Yet 
 
 Journal, which will be feen further on in thefe an- 
 notations, alfo to the Eirl of Chefterfield, on faid 
 Earl's complaining that the letter and paper of my 
 Journal v/ere not of different colours, with many 
 others too tedious to inlert. 
 
 (g) Hercules Langriflie, Efq; Member for the 
 borough of Knoftopher. 
 
 (h) Robert French, Efq; Member for the town 
 of Galway. 
 
 (i) Right Hon. William Brownlow, Member for 
 the county of Armagh. 
 
 (k) Right Hon. William Gerard Hamilton, Efq; 
 Chancellor of the Exchequer, and Member for Kil- 
 lybegs, in the late parliament. 
 
 (1) Maecenas puff'd by ev'ry quillP^ — Caius Qinius 
 Mscenas a great lover of learning, and learned 
 men. For his hiftory, and that of the Emperor 
 Auguftus, and the v/hole policy of his reign, fee 
 Littleton's Dictionary. 
 
 (m) In Horace's and VirgiVs lays."] They are 
 
 both to be had, from the hours of eight in the 
 morning till tv/elv€ at night, at my fliop in Parli- 
 ament-ftreet. * 
 
 I have
 
 The B A T C H E L O R. 359 
 
 Yet not one ftanza of his own 
 Has made the poet's patron known. 
 \yhile Howard to unborrow'd fame, 
 By his own works afferts his claim : 
 Then let a double wreath reward 
 The mufe's patron and their bard. 
 
 I have now gone through the feveral pafTages of 
 this admired poem, which I thought required any 
 illuftration or comment, and the reader will judge 
 how far I am qualified for the duty of a commenta- 
 tor J though the fuccefs I have ah'eady met with 
 in that capacity, leaveth me Httle room to doubt 
 of the public indulgence. It would hz ungrateful, 
 did I not take this public opportunity of returning 
 my thanks to the many learned friends who have 
 favoured me with their afiiftance in this arduous 
 undertaking: they are fuch a catalogue of names 
 as would do honour to the greateft v/its of antiqui- 
 ty J and the man who can boa ft of the friendihip 
 of Mr. Dane, fixth-clerk ; Mr. Dexter, keeper of 
 the Four-Courts Marilialfea ; MefT. Kavanagh and 
 Croker, attorneys at law ; Mr. Thomas Mullock, 
 notary-publick, in Skinner-row ; and alderman 
 Emerfon, of the Spinning-wheel, Caftle-ftreet ; 
 need not be afiiamed of putting his name to any 
 work, in which they have been his coadjutors. My 
 nephew, Thom.as Todd, has been fo often menti- 
 oned in thefe notes, that 'tis unneceflary to fay 
 any thing in his praife, further, than that he is an 
 acute critic, a great traveller, and I have always 
 found him very faithful and diligent in his duty, 
 as my foreman. To him, therefore, this work is 
 infcribed, by 
 
 His fmcere friend, and paternal uncle, 
 
 GEORGE FAULKNER. 
 
 FINIS.
 
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