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HENRY COLBURN, PUBLISHER, GREAT MARLBOROUGH STREET. agents: for Scotland, bell and braufutb, Edinburgh; for Ireland, john cuimmino, dublin. To be had of all Booksellers throughout the Kingdom. T. C. SaviJI, Printer, in;, St. Mnrtin's Lane. -•■-'^'".^ ■,'.,uij:^^t^.;:' ' yAfy ■v>c^A/uki^ //fyma'fi^'^. PETER PRIGGINS, THK COLLEGE SCOUT. ^',J,^ y EDITED BY '^X2,^Ci^^-'<'<'-^yC.^'Z^'^C^ '// - c THEODOKE HOOK, ESQ. IN THREE VOLUMES. WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY PHIZ. VOL. I. LONDON : HENRY COLBURN, PUBLISHER, GREAT MARLBOROUGH STREET. 184L LONDON : F SHOBERL, JUN. 51, RUPERT STREET, HAYMARKET, PRINTER TO H. R. H. PRINCE ALBERT. ADVERTISEMENT. The greater portion of the following work has appeared in the New Monthly Magazine. When the first paper of the series was submitted to me, I was satisfied that the talents of the writer would be duly appreciated by the Public, and his reputation proportionably increased. It ap- pears that I was not mistaken. Each succeeding chapter has improved in power and attraction ; and I feel great pleasure in putting them before the reader in their present collected form, per- fectly sure that a further acquaintance with their merits will induce a fresh call upon the genius and ability of the Author, who is not likely upon a future occasion to discredit the re- putation which he has so justly and meritoriously obtained in the present instance. T.E.H. Athem.t:um, December 17, 1840. GG49G4 illusteatio:p^s. VOL. I. PAGE The Certificate Demanded . . . Frontispiece. The Consequences of Drawing the Long Bow . 64 An Offence under Mr. Martin's Act . . .113 Tlie Results of Indiscretion 329 VOL. IL A Casus Belli Naaman Nightshade Seriously Alarmed Old Chatty in great Tribulation . A Case of Incendiarism Frontispiece. . 17 . 81 . 208 VOL. III. The Cut Direct, or Oxford Etiquette . Frontispiece. Mr. Leg's Lecturing, or the Private Coach . . 94 The Courtship Unpleasantly Interrupted . .201 Narcotics Disagree with some People . . • 267 ? PETER PRIGGINS. CHAPTER I. I AM not vain enough in my old age to fancy that any body, except my own family, out of St. Peter's College, Oxford, cares one farthing about the sort of life that I, Peter Priggins, have led for nearly seventy years ; though some people, either from curiosity, or because they have no- thing better to do, are always poking their noses into other people's concerns, instead of reserving them for their legitimate uses— snuff and pocket- handkerchiefs ; for I do not reckon the pulling of a man's nose out of his face, for having in- sulted you, putting that nose of his to a legiti- mate use. A nose, in my opinion, was never VOL. I. Q 2 PETER PRIGGINS. intended to be manipulated, except through the medium of a Bandana. Some impertinent people might, therefore, be inclined to ask why I, Peter Priggins, forced myself upon the stage of life for public inspec- tion ; like a patent grogometer, or any other new article of luxury ; and, however irrelevant the query may seem to decent members of society, I think — at least I feel that I ought to think — it not unbecoming of me to answer it. My reasons then for publishing my " life and times" are these : In the first place, for my own amusement and to gratify — I don't conceal it — that vanity to which, as an Oxford man, I have a right to lay claim. After spending all my best days — that is, the days when I was worst off — in the service of my college, its members have justly secured my otium cum dignitatem by the weekly donation — exhibition would be more collegiate — of one pound one ; this, together with the savings from my many years"* peculium, and those little scrapings unknown to all but the fraternity of scouts or gyps, as the Cambridge men call them, enable me to have daily my " pint PETER PRIGGINS. » of wine and a candle ;" and as I crack my nuts and my jokes alternately — a trick I learned from one of our Bursars — to think of " the days when I was young," and speculate on the destiny of many " a light of other days," and wonder, and, as I am told, sometimes grumble at the mighty changes I have witnessed in " my times " in Oxford. But my principal motive — and a most disin- terested one it must be allowed to be — is, by publishing some events that have occurred in my times, to remove as much as possible of that ignorance which is observable every where out of Oxford, by allowing all those who can prove an alibi to have an insight into what goes on in Oxford ; and, but thafs no one else's business but my own, to apply the proceeds, if any, to '* increase my little store and keep my sons " and daughters at home. I could mention another reason for my bold- ness in going to press (I believe that's the crack term), and I think that reason a strong one. It is possible — possible I say, and grieved I am to say it — that Oxford may be annihilated, though B 2 4 PETER PRIGGINS. we, of course, shall resist to the last ; or, which is almost as bad, so thoroughly amalgamated by the in-pourings of our " dissenting brethren," which, I believe, is the correct designation of those psalm -singing individuals, that, like an " old friend with a new face," as I call my grandfa- ther's watch with its new dial-plate, its former comely features may be entirely obliterated by this unsightly new epidermis of dissent, I give, therefore, the manuscript of my records of the " good old days," to be deposited in the ark of the university amongst other valuables ; and lest, in troublous times, the hands of rude men should pollute and plunder that sacred chest — though they'll be puzzled to find it, because it " shape hath none," — I would foil their base attempts to destroy my " lays of the olden time," by enabling the scattered myriads of Oxonians to keep each a copy in his own patent, fire-proof, unpickable- by-any-key-but-the-right iron chest; and my publisher justly observes, that no man ought to be without one copy at least. Before I proceed any further, it may be neces- sary to explain to the reader who is amazed at PETER PRIGGINS. 5 my erudition that, though a scout and bedmaker, I am not an uneducated man ; I am not at all inclined to doubt that the superiority of my lan- guage has astonished him, if he is not an Ox- ford man ; but that, as I said before, is easily explained away in Oxford. How I acquired so much learning will appear hereafter. " Quid Domini faciant aiident cum talia Fures." If scouts can write thus, what cannot their masters do ? That's what we Oxford men call an induction. My father, grandfather, and great- grandfather, not omitting some of the collaterals, masculine and feminine, maternal and paternal, have all devoted their energies to promoting the comforts of the graduates and undergraduates of St. Peter's College for a century past or more ; for, like the Medes of old, with us the son of a cook is brought up as a cook, and the son of a scout or bedmaker looks to succeed his father in the same profession. This rule does not apply to the offices of college butler or porter ; they are always filled by the favourite butler and coachman of the head of the college, at the time the vacancy occurs. The height of our ambition b PETER PRIGGINS. — I speak of the Priggins family — was the place of common-room man, and my father's portrait now decorates our common-room in consideration of fifty years' servitude in that capacity. I was his deputy from the time his " hand for- got its cunning," after the twelfth bottle — for port wine was drunk in those days, and so were some of its drinkers j — but that's parenthetic — and tea was scarce then, if not unknown. As tea has cheapened, humbug has progressed. My mother was fortunately a very pretty wo- man, and my father fell so suddenly and despe- rately in love with her one day on visiting the village where she dwelt, which was the favourite summer's residence of one of his masters, that he married her in less than a week, and was blessed with my appearance in rather less than seven months. The young squire did not forget his protegee, who had been lady's-maid at the Hall, and promised to provide for her first-born, if it proved a boy. Well ! I was a boy, and reckoned more like the squire than my own mo- her's husband; and he, the squire, kept his word, for he sent mother half a bacon-hog, as a PETER PRIGGINS. 7 delicacy during her recovery ; and me, a basket of cherries and plums, which being administered injudiciously, stones and all, had very nearly provided for me for ever. I don't know how it was, but father never took to me so kindly as he did to the rest of his chil- dren ; he hated my black hair and eyes, because his own were vice versa, which he construed " a horse of another colour •,"" and, in consequence, my mess was generally the reverse of Benjamin's, though my coat resembled Joseph's, being of many colours from numerous patchings. Through the interest of our principal, I got an appointment as a chorister, and having a clear voice, and a good, though very eccentric singing-master, I soon became a pet with the men, both graduates and undergraduates ; and many a good blow-out, as the Eton men say, have I got for singing a song or two — but more of this by and by. All went smoothly with me for a few years, and I got a tolerable smattering of Greek and Latin, considering the time I was obliged to devote to music and singing ; but at last my voice was broken, and then my head, and 8 PETER PRIGGINS. at last my spirits, for I could not sing a note, and I was cast aside like a cracked flute by my former patrons. So I threw off my gown — set up my cap for a cockshy, and told the governor flatly and plainly I would be a scout and nothing else. He grumbled at first, but upon consider- ing that as a parson, for he meant me to take orders, I might be lucky enough to get a chap- laincy of sixty or seventy pounds a year, and be obliged to buy my own clothes ; whereas, as a bedmaker, at which dignity I had an excel- lent prospect of arriving, I should make my hundred and fifty pounds per annum, and be well clothed and fed, besides being enabled to put by a few little et ceteras. I entered on my duties under my governor, and, since then, have never regretted my choice. I have been scout's boy — the dirtiest speci- mens of puerility to be found are those boys ■ scout, bedmaker, and common-room man, and in all these offices I have seen and heard a few things, which would rayther astonish the world if they were divulged ; but my grand principle through Hfe has been '* never split." I mean, PETER PRIGGINS. 9 as sayings and doings occur to me, to note those which may be published without hurting the feelings of any individual — without any order or arrangement. Like the Irish beggar, I sha'n't " wait to pick them, but take them as they come '"' I recollect one evening, as I was putting the third bottle of port on the common-room table, when the small party seated there seemed de- termined to be cozy, and have one bottle more and a rubber, their arrangements were suddenly and unexpectedly interrupted by the entrance of an individual, so thoroughly enveloped in great coats and handkerchiefs, that, until he unrolled himself like a mummy, we failed to recognize our Bursar. He had just returned from a jour- ney, apparently tedious and disagreeable, and as it had been raining in earnest and those stinking Mackintoshes were not then invented, he was pretty well soaked through. After he had changed his dripping garments, and stowed away a basin of warm soup and a glass or two of sherry, he joined the common- room party and made play at the port. b5 10 PETER PRI6GINS. His remarks on the weather, the state of the roads, and his evident lowness of spirits, led the others to make inquiries as to the cause of his journey and his sudden return ; and as his an- swer involved the fate of an old brother collegian, all idea of whist was given up for THE bursar's tale. " Peter," said he to me, " remove the decan- ters and bring in the largest bowl filled with good egg-flip, for ere I get to the end of my tale, my hearers will require something consolatory, and so shall I." After tasting and signifying his approbation of my brewing, by a peculiar twinkle of the eye, which to me was masonic, he put his feet on the fender, and thus began : Go where you will, you are sure to meet with some one whom you know, or by whom you are known ; and take up any one of the woomerous woowspapers, (cocknice dictum) and the chances are that before you have skimmed it tlirough — for no one reads a paper nowaday — you recognize some old friend or acquaintance as PETER PRIGGINS. 11 having been buried, married, or in some other unpleasant predicament. To me the only pure enjoyment of the broad sheet is an accompani- ment obligato to my matutinal mocha, over a good fire, si hyems erit, or with open casements, when Sirius rages. I feel primed then for the day, and ready to go off any where at a mo- ment's notice. A few weeks since, when the papers were very dull, before the elections were even anticipated, and I was seeking solace amidst horrid murders, shocking suicides, and Platonic crim. cons., I was attracted by an ar- ticle, copied from a Cornwall County Chronicle, which ran thus : — " Accident at sea — one man drowned — name unknown — boy — the only one on board — saved — but life almost extinct ; fur- ther particulars in our next." In a few days afterwards, it was quite clear that some penny-a- liner had discovered the value of the " event that had just come off," and had exercised his ver- bosity on the occasion, or, in other words, " made the most of it." Compressing the column and half into plain English, I found that Mr. Heavy- sides, the county coroner, and twelve substantial 12 PETER PRIGGINS. yeomen, had sat for six hours on the body of one Samuel Smyth, who was drowned by the upsetting of his favourite yacht, the Merry-go- round, while sailing in the bay of Trevenny, on the coast of Cornwall, as was proved by the evidence of his servant, James Jobs, the boy, sixty years' old, who narrowly shared his mas- ter's fate, but was saved by squatting classically on the keel, like Bacchus on a beer-barrel. The only cause alleged was "want of ballast," and the verdict was, of course, " found drowned "" on the man, and " overset" on the boat, which was accordingly very properly deodanded, and sold again immediately, to give Mr. Heavysides and his substantial jurymen another opportunity of resting his and their ponderous person and per- sons, by sitting on the unfortunate purchaser. The name struck me. I had known a Sam Smyth of our College, intimately, some years ago, and I fancied it must be my old chum ; but all my doubts on the subject were ended by the butler's boy, who next morning brought me a letter to this effect, as nearly as I can recol- lect. . PETER PKIGGINS. 13 " Reverend Sir, " As sole executor and residuary legatee of Rev. Samuel Smyth, suddenly and accidentally deceased, we beg your earliest personal (if con- venient) attendance at Trevenny, Cornwall, to settle matters in question. " We have the honour to be, &c. &c. "NiBSON AND InKSPOT, " Attorneys-at-Law and Solicitors. " To Rev, the Bursar, " St. Peter's College, Oxon." Pithy and pertinent, I thought ; but thoughts, I thought again, would not satisfy Messrs. Nib- son and Inkspot. I accordingly availed myself of a seat on the box of the Neck-or-Nothing opposition fast coach, and by great good luck, or rather, perhaps, by the doctrine of chances, as the Neck-or-Nothing had upset the day be- fore, and killed " the best whip on the road, four outsides, and crippled an in," I arrived in safety at Trevenny, and, looking out for the largest red house in the town, with the largest brass-plate on a green door, of course found the 14 PETER PRIGGINS. domicilium of the solicitors, or, as they, eschewing common law, in common with all country law- yers, preferred being termed, conveyancers, a term their clients seldom hesitated bestowing on them at the end of each term, but especially at Christmas. I gave a pretty considerable loud rat-tat at the green door, to let them know I was not come to a common lawyer's on common business, and was conged by a cringing crop-haired clerk into '* the office," and informed that Mr. Nibson was just now very particularly engaged with a client on very particular business, but would feel particular pleasure in waiting on me as soon as the particular consultation was over. Mr. Inkspot was gone into the country on very particular business ; and Mr. Closecrop vanished backwards^ with a wriggle and twist, and my card in his hand, like an eel in a wall, politely declining a sniggler's offer of a lobworm, I endeavoured to amuse the interesting com- pany in which I was left — my own — by reading the various titles on sundry tin boxes, painted raisin-fashion in Japanese, and conspicuously PETER PRIGGINS. 15 chalked with all the great names in the neigh- bourhood ; and by walking to the windows, and returning the stares of the natives — a very pri- mitive set. I admired the neat little church, and snug parsonage, as I supposed it was, just over the way ; an edition of a house in 24mo., as compared with the quarto, with extra margin, and well gilt, of Messrs. Nibson and Inkspot ; and was just beginning to philosophize on the enormous wealth of the established church, and her overpaid ministers, when the door opened suddenly, and admitted an homuncule, of about four feet three, very dapper in appearance, and over-obsequious in manner. His dress was ano- malous; he wore round his neck, if neck it might be called, which was a mere point of junction between the head and shoulders, a sky- blue stock, over which the cheeks crushed down a pair of rounded collars, worked at the edges ; a rose-coloured dressing-gown, of some tarnished fabrique, and a suit of nankeen dittos — that is, unnameables and gaiters in continuation. I afterwards learnt that Mr. Nibson's be- getter had been confidential agent, steward. SiC. 16 PETER PRIGGINS. &c., to the Right Honourable Lord Viscount Rentborough, who, from the badness of the times, and other causes, was compelled to live abroad to retrench — that is, to spend all his in- come, and a little more, at Naples, or Florence, instead of at Trevenny Park. Nibson, sen., had already closed his accounts with his master here below, and had, luckily, so far avoided the example of extravagance set him by his em- ployer, that he had died " warm," and esta- blished Nibson, jun., as confidential agent, &c., in his room, with the additional advantage of a legal education, and a brass plate on his door, legibly inscribed attorney-at-law. Several ex- cellent farms in the neighbourhood, formerly be- longing to Trevenny Park, had been sold, it was said ; the purchasers' persons were never known — but what matter? — Nibson, jun., received the rents and profits for them, and, doubtless, gave a receipt in full. Inkspot, as I learnt from the same source, the landlord of the Rentborough Arms, was a lusus naturcE, he had no earthly father ! The entry in the parish register described him as illegiti- PETER PRIGGINS. 17 mate — his mother being Mary, the dairy- maid at Trevenny Park. He was educated, first at Christ's Hospital, and afterwards at the free school at Trevenny, where he always had plenty of pocket-money and eatables, particularly custards and syllabubs ; a pony to ride out with the hounds, and, at a suitable age, was notched, as he called it, alluding to his indentures, to Nibson, with one- third of the business in prospect. No one knew whose son he was, but old Nibson paid his bills, and the Vis- count tipp'd him, whenever he met him ; but I shall introduce him presently. After Nibson had bobbed twenty times consecutively, as nearly as I could calculate, he pointed to a chair, and, with difficulty placing himself on another, so as to make one foot rest on the ground, he applied his mouchoir (a very handsome green silk, with geranium- flowered border) to his eyes, or rather his cheeks, for they acted as two bastions to protect his optics, and pointing with his thumb *' over the left," at the snug little parsonage 1 had before observed, uttered a deep sigh. " Really, Mr. Nibson," said I, after due con- 18 PETER PRIGGINS. sideration, " I cannot quite understand your opening of the case/* " He lived there^'' sighed Nibson, " pectore ab imo," and that was from no great distance. " He ! who ? — what, my old friend, Sam Smyth ?" " Yes, sir ; the Reverend Samuel Smyth, our never- to-be-enough- regretted curate. The par- ties of whose death we instructed you ; buried yesterday — would n't keep — weather hot — blow-flies un-keep-ofF-able." " Really," said I, " Mr. Nibson, your con- cise summons to Trevenny rather surprised me, as I have not seen my old college chum for many years ; but, being an idle man just now, and, having a remembrance of our former inti- macy at Alma Mater, I am here to do what little good I can for his wife and family — if he has left any such incumbrances." *' Sir," said Nibson, " he was not married, luckily." — (Nibson was — '' Equam servare me- mento," he construed, " mind and he a slave to your wife.") " And I fear that the duties of the executorship will be hardly compensated by the profits of the residuary legateeship !" PETER PRIGGINS. 19 " He was poor, then ?" '* Very ; though the curacy is a good one as times go — lots of applicants for it. We're the rector — give a title — snug house — £4:5 per annum — surplice fees — now and then two guineas for a new vault — dinner at the park, Sundays, when the family's at home. Living dirt cheap, if a man's fond of fish — population small — soles abundant — capital fried !" *' Did my poor friend manage to keep him- self, his horse, his yacht, the Merry-go-round, and James Jobs, on £i5 per annum ?" " Oh, no ! — lucky man 1 got £20 additional for one duty a Sunday at Pendean — only four miles off — nice walk over the cliffs, particularly in windy weather — besides, he was capital shot — gun kept him in flesh and fowl — splendid fisherman — Merry-co-round and Jem Jobs pro- fitable concerns. My partner, Isaac Inkspot, nice young man — rather to i tall for a lawyer — obliged to stoop to his work, instead of looking up in his profession — hah ! — oh ! hum ! — he ! — lodged with him — took half the house off his hands, and lent him his housekeeper when 20 PETER PRIGGINS. he didn't want her himself — liberal man ^ very !" "Then I think," said I, "the better plan will be to go at once to the parsonage, and search his division of tSie house for the will, and examine the property." " Certainly," said Nibson — " anticipatory proposal ! But first allow me to introduce my excellent partner — Mr. Inkspot — Reverend the Bursar, gent, from Oxford ; executor and resi- duary legatee of our poor parson ; put in his ap- pearance at once." Mr. Inkspot had evidently been out " on very particular business in the country," if one might judge by his appearance. He was, in person, the exact antithesis of Nibson, stood six-feet- two or three, very scraggy, and very loose ; his dress was buckskins and tops, with broad Brum- magem persuaders annexed — a green coat of the species formerly called duckhunters, but modernized into cutaways ; buff waistcoat, large shawl neckerchief, an Osbaldeston tile, as he called his hat — with a glass fixed to the brim, for he professed shortsightedness : under his PETER PRIGGINS. 21 arm he carried the handle of a hunting-whip, the lash having been removed to indicate that " the season " was over. " Ah, Nibby ! — do ?" in the tone familiar. " Reverend sir, most obedient !" to me — in tone vulgar and half deferential — Nibson eyeing me all the time closely, to observe the impression which his partner's superior appearance, as he thought, could not fail to make upon me. I could scarcely refrain from bursting into a loud laugh, as this two yards and a nail of legal puppyism rolled himself into a chair, and, coolly laying his whip over Nibby 's shoulders, asked : — "What's up? eh, Nibby?" " Just going over to inspect premises — take inventory — read will, and give up possession — after payment of all demands," {sotto voce). " Mr. Inkspot," said I, " excuse me ; but do the Cornwall hounds hunt at this season of the year ?" " Hunt ? oh, no ! can't conceive ! don't take ! ain't awake ! obtuse — very !" "I imagined from your dress," I observed, 22 . PETER PRIGGINS. " it was possible you had been out to kill a late fox." " Dress ? oh, no ! always dress so — my horse likes it — the people approve, and do n't know when I am up to a spree out of the common. Rentborough — good fellow — very ! leaves all to me — just been seeing the kennel properly cleaned out, and drafting the puppies — very particular in those matters, ain't we, Nibby ? — very !" " And I trust you have been equally parti- cular in the arrangement of my poor deceased friend's affairs," said I. *' Who, me ? know nothing of them — leave all that sort of thing to Nibby ! do n't I, Nibby ? (whip again) — hate the law, and all that." I saw that Nibson observed my astonishment, which I fondly imagined was only inward, and he endeavoured to prolong his leg to tread on his partner's toes ; but Inkspot either did not witness the attempt, or, which is quite as likely, despised it, for he coolly went on : — " I 'm not a sleeping partner, though, am I, Nibby ? No I I warrant the horses certify the breed of the draft hounds — advertise the meets PETER PRIGGINS. 23 — publish the runs, and make myself generally useful — eh, Nibby ? — very ! Do n't buy the nags now — got bit once or twice — deep — very ! leave that to Jem and Bill — suspect they bite now and then." "Assure you," said Nibson, looking apolo- getic, " partner, invaluable to our valued friend and client, Viscount Rentborough 1 — seem to be mutually made for each other; must keep up the hounds, or lose influence in the county — borough safe enough — dare n't wag an inch without us. Yet we're liberal at elections, ain't we, Mr. Isaac? — very! Our member, Hon. Mr. Stumpup, gives two pounds for tea for the ladies, and puts a boy in the Blueeoat- school once in seven years — good thing for the borough — (/ was lucky enough to get in — very !) — We give a free and easy at ' the Arms,' at two shillings a head — pleasant party — very ! beer excellent ." I here ventured to suggest proceeding to business, as I was anxious to return to Oxford. Nibson and Mr. Isaac rose accordingly, the latter continuing to rise — rise — rise — like a 24 PETER PRIGGINS. scarlet-runner in a damp summer's evening — till, I thought, like the Lyric poet, he would strike the stars with his lofty head. We crossed the road, Mr. Isaac leading, and opening the gate (after "Nibby" had in vain essayed, by tiptoeing, to reach the latch,) ushered me into a very neat little room. " Parson's parlour — pretty look out — church one side — sea the other — yacht in sight — bay to the left — capital place for snipes and wild-ducks — river to the right — trout and salmon — fly- fishing unequalled — parson, regular dab at whipping — spun a minnow magnificently !" On surveying the room, I saw that Inkspot's remarks on my friend's proficiencies were par- tially confirmed by its contents : in one corner stood a double gun, both barrels loaded, and caps ready on — an old rusty jacket, a quondam black velveteen, hanging on a nail above it, with a dog- whip and shot-belt peering out of the pocket ; over the fireplace was a huge single for wild-fowl, and a canister for powder pad- locked, and inscribed " patent safety ;" in ano- ther corner was a creel, three or four fishing- PETER PRIGGIXS. 25 rods, a large bag of feathers, hare's ears, hog's down, water-rat skins, and other essentials for fly-making ; a lump of cobbler's wax in an old glove, a landing-net, minnow-can, casting-net, and half a hundred other requisites for Wal- tonizing ; over the window was a trout and eel- spear, reaching the whole length of the room, and opposite the fire was a bit of furniture, evi- dently formed on college reminiscence's — the lower part being a cupboard for miscellanies, and the upper a bookcase conveniently covered in, so as to suit many other purposes, besides the one its deceitful name imported. In the lower regions of this useful piece of furniture, I found his old college writing-desk and tea-caddy. I could swear to both ; the same dinginess of exterior intimated the iden- tity of the contents ; by them stood a few bottles, pickle- jars, glasses, cruets, and other table-ware ; in short, it was a poor bachelor's butler's-pantry. The upper division, or bookcase, contained his college classics on its lower shelf; a moderate collection of MS. sermons, with some chiefly compiled and ticketed for certain Sundays and VOL. I. c 26 PETER PRIGGINS. Holy-days, were arranged on the second ; the upper shelf was devoted to the stowage of sundries in the sporting line, the value of which none but an adept could appreciate. As his executor, I, of course, opened the desk, for it was unlocked ; indeed, I recollected that he had lost the key years before, while bathing with me in Medley Lock. As he did not imagine that any one could be curious enough to in- vestigate the contents of a writing-desk, he merely forced the lock with his bread- and-cheese knife when he got back to college, and fancied himself and the desk quite secure. " Not very business-like ; sorry to leave our papers so — eh? Mr. Isaac !" said Nibson, with a wink peculiarly waggish, as I opened the un- resisting depository of my friend's secrets. " Why, yes— Nibby," replied Inkspot, " it might not be quite so well for some people," putting his arms and head in a position which clearly showed he had seen one execution at least ; " no danger there, however — know every paper by heart — chiefly recipes — a few choice songs — list of the sick in the parish — a diary of PETER PRIGGINS. 2? killed and wounded — (that is partridges, &c., not parishioners) — pedigrees of puppies, and a few documents, dedicated without permission, from his tailor, grocer, and butcher - careless fellow ! very ! — I see the receipts are unattached to most of the bills." I found that Isaac was not falsely boasting of his intimacy with the contents of the desk ; and being anxious to search further for any papers that might be of importance, and knowing Sam's habits. I next scrutinized the tea-caddy. Upon lifting up the central ornament — an old cracked decanter filed down for a sugar- basin and the two " wings" for black and green which flanked the centre — I found, as I expected, several pieces of paper curiously folded and almost triturated to tinder. I opened one very gingerly, and with difficulty deciphered with the help of the partners, Nibson and Inkspot, who both seemed " eager for the fray," the following important document : " A KEWEE FOR FUTSORE. " Tak the liker in wich sum salt bif ave bin bild as ot us u can abear it, and sit with yer fit c2 28 PETER PRIGGINS. in it for an our or too wile u smokes yur pipe — dont wipe um, but dry um afore the fier — the necs n^omin u wil find um stif, and smart no-ow- like — but after u ave bin in the wet sweads or the peat-pits, they wil be as lissum as ever. " Dan. Stuart. " Sir, — I allays as aff a croun for this un, cos its a warranted un." The next was nearly as useful, and no doubt as well worth half-a- crown to poor Sam. " how to kitsh fish when no one else can't. " Take an art of oke boks, and rub him all over inside with grundivey and asafetimus — Take some ile of the same, and put it into sum moss fresh of the grund, the grinest is best, and drop it in rayther thik — then get sum Taners wurms as ant got no nots in their tails, and after kippin um for some days in clene moss, put um into the boks of art of oke, and in 2 dais they are fit for use. N.B. — never lend non of um to nobody. " W. Stuart, his + mark." PETER PRIGGINS. 29 The contents of the cadJy were all much of the same nature, and I proposed to visit the dormitory to prosecute my search. Mr, Isaac accordingly led the way into a room, the fac- simile of poor Sam's bedroom at Oxford, with this difference only -^ it was not so dirty, and the adjoining room, which in college would have been a scout's room, was a sleeping- place for James Jobs — whom, to my great surprise, we found curled up in one corner, fatt asleep. While Nibson aroused James Jobs to assist us in our search for the will, I just threw my eyes round the sleeping- room. In one corner was a stump- bedstead, with a kind of dimity canopy, to make it look like a French bed — a regular forgery, as Isaac called it ; a triangular washing apparatus in another corner ; a chest of drawers under the window, with a towel on the top as a toilet-cloth, on which were laid out, as neatly as possible, a primitive array of deca- pillatory conveniences, or rather necessaries ; but the most striking object was the long array of shoes and boots of all lengths, breadths, and thicknesses ; high-lows, low-highs, lace-ups, 30 PETER PRIGGINS. mud-boots, waders, and snow-boots. If they were not waterproof, as they professed to be, the only question was, as it appeared to me, how they ever got dry and lissome again, when they were once wet. Across the room was fixed a stout ash pole, which would have puzzled most people, and given them an idea of a patent pre- meditated-suicidal-apparatus, or a drying- line of unnecessary stability ; but it was merely in- tended for gymnastics, i. e., for twisting and twirling round until you had bruised your shins and dislocated almost every limb of your body — a medicine, certainly not an anodyne, to be taken every night and morning, as recommended by Mr. Surgeon Tugtail. On the wall (suspended by a few wafers) were some unframed prints, extracted from " Daniel's Rural Sports," " The Shooter's Vade-Mecum," and " Walton's An- gler ;" and in a corner behind the door, a col- lection of weather clothing, contemporary with, and equally as efficacious, as the eucnemidals before alluded to. " Umph ! — ha ! — odd ! — curious ! — funny ! — very P' said Nibson. PETER PRIGGINS. 31 " Comfortable ! — convenient — very ! " said Mr. Isaac. " Very, indeed," said James Jobs, who en- tered with Mr. Nibson, and advancing quietly before the partners, made a low and respectful bow, and hoped my honour was quite well. I returned the salutation of " the boy," as James was still called, though evidently sixty at least, but in such a way as not to indicate any recognition of a former acquaintance. " You do not remember me, Mr. Bursar, I see," said James Jobs. " I cannot," I replied, " recollect ever having seen you before; but now that I observe that scar upon your forehead — surely you cannot be the poor soldier whom Sam and I took as valet from breaking stones on the road at fourpence a day, with the thermometer at zero, and whom we christened Friday?" " The same, sir ; and had it not been for your kindness, I must have perished from cold and want." The fact was, James Jobs, or Man Friday, as we called him at college, was of a respectable 32 PETER PRIGGINS. tradesman's family near Oxford ; but, being of a " roving disposition," had, early in life, enlisted into a horse regiment, and served in the Ameri- can war, where, in consequence of a severe sabre cut over the eyes, which had very nearly proved fatal, he got his discharge, and returned to England to find his family extinct, with the ex- ception of one cousin, who was so much elevated in life as to disown poor James ; the result was, that he got a deal of pity, but no money ; and when the few friends who remembered him after twenty years' absence were tired of feeding him and listening to his tales of the wars, he was forced to apply to his parish ; the overseers of which, in kind consideration of the severity of the cold, set him to break stones on the road, at so much per bushel, by which he got warmth, and two shillings per week, paid at twice ; so that, after paying for a bundle of straw, and leave to sleep in a loft, he had not much left for meat and drink ; a red herring and two potatoes served him for two days, and his drink did not intoxicate him much, being chiefly Pindar's much -lauded ariston. PETER PRIGGINS. 33 We saw the poor fellow at work as we were trying to warm our limbs up Headington Hill, and finding that he had served as an officer's servant in a cavalry regiment, and could look after a horse well, we engaged him at a trifle a week, and let him have the run of rack and manger. The day of his relief from starving and stone-breaking being Friday — and Robin- son Crusoe's valet running in our heads — we termed James Jobs " Friday," and by that name he went, as long as Sam remained at college. It appeared that he had lived with my friend Sam, off and on, as he said, ever since, and had hoped not to outlive a master who, whether rich or poor, had always proved to him a kind friend. When James had recovered himself, and could command his feelings sufficiently to address me again — " Sir," said he, " I am glad you are come down — I always told master you would stand his friend, and the assurance seemed to comfort him. I have here, sir, in this drawer, a letter and a packet which I was to give into your hands; the packet is bulky, and it took master many years to write it — but it amused him in the long eve- c 5 34 PETER PRIGGINS. nings, when his health would not allow him to enjoy his friends' fireside. Master, sir, was an odd man, and may be, the new-hght people might think him a bad one, because he loved sporting. But what I look at, sir, is this, never was a man more beloved in the parish — his church was full of a Sunday, and he preached what we could all understand. If he offended any one, it would have been these gentlemen here," bowing to Nibson and Inkspot, " for he was a regular lawyer-starver, and settled all dis- putes quicker and cheaper than a chief-justice." " Perfectly correct,'' said Nibson. " True — very !" said his partner. " And here,'' continued James Jobs, " is what master called his last testament, poor fellow — he had not much to will away, for he gave away all he could spare while he lived — and he lived the happier for it. He had but one fault that ever I found out, sir, and that was what lost him his life at last — he wanted ballast — and as Mr. Heavysides, the coroner, justly observed, that was what lost the Merry-go-round — she wanted ballast." PETER PRIGGINS. 35 I cast my eye over the will and found that he had left every thing to me, including James Jobs — begging that I would merely distribute such of his property as I did not want in the following way: — to Nibson, his books, for his eldest boy's use — to Inkspot, his writing-desk, regretting that the key was lost — his guns, to the keepers at the park — his fishing-tackle, to James, who was as great a " killer " as his master — and his boots, shoes, and clothes, to the poorest of his parishioners, whose wants no one knew better than himself. I gave orders to Nibson and Inkspot to dis- pose of the furniture, and distribute the pro- ceeds of it among the poor of the parish gene- rally, and took James Jobs and the parcel to the Rentborough Arms, where the worthy solicitors received a check from me to cover all their de- mands. Whether it was doubly gratifying on account of its being unexp3(.ted, or not, I don't know, but they became doubly civil, and even invited me to dinner. This I begged to decline, and bowed them out ; and, ordering James to book two outsides, I started by the first coach, and after being regularly soaked here I am. 36 PETER PRIGGINS. " And where," said our senior tutor, " is James Jobs ? " " Sound asleep in his old quarters by this time : I ordered him a commons, and a pint of the dean's particular, as I came in, and rely on it he has since been to the stables and rubbed my horse down, and laid himself up in clover in the tallet, as usual." " And what," said the vice-principal, " did the parcel and letter contain ?" " That," said the Bursar, " is at present a mystery. Peter 1" " Sir !" " Send Mrs. Peter to warm my bed, and bring me one tumbler of brandy -and- water, hot and strong." " Not a bad move," said the chaplain — et sic omnes. PETER PRIGGINS. 37 CHAPTER II. When the 1st of May, 1839, had arrived, and with it the new number of the New Monthly ^ I, Peter Priggins, went to the nearest book- seller's and bought it, saying it was for one of the undergraduates of St. Peter's — though my paying ready money for it was quite sufficient to convict me of obtaining it under false pretences — it was not acting in character. I confess I felt more nervous on this occasion than I had supposed possible, and hid the vo- lume in my pocket as quickly and carefully as a young poacher would his first wired hair, or a charity-schoolboy the first fruits of his nocturnal visit to a nighbouring orchard. ''If," said I, " I should actually be in print ! !" The very ver- tebrae of my back, which are usually bent slightly forward, from approaching old age, were imme- 38 PETER PRIGGINS. diately straightened, or rather curved in a vice versa direction at the thought, and I hurried home to examine the bane or antidote of my anxiety — as the first peep might prove it to be — in private. In vain I endeavoured to find the means of doing so at home. My old woman, by which famihar, though fond title Mrs. P. is generally known in college, except by undergraduates, who call her " Old Mother Priggins," followed me from room to room with the same peculiarly suspicious or sagacious look with which she used to regard me in our younger days, when she imagined I was going to devour the contents of a smuggled bottle of port " to my own cheek," that is, without allowing her an opportunity of proving herself my " better half." As her sus- picions were roused, I felt convinced that, if she should leave the room, it would only be to listen at the door, and that the rustle of the uncut leaves of the New Monthly would be construed, by her overcharged imagination, into the bob- bling -wobbling noise caused by me in guggling the wine from the neck of the bottle. I, there- PETER PRTGGINS. 39 fore, like a skilful general, secured my success by a well-timed retreat. It occurred to me that, as the college groves had been laid out at an enormous expense, for the express purposes of meditation in sweet soli- tude, and studious retirement, I should be sure to find them deserted. I accordingly sneaked in the back way, and found my expectations realized. I was alone ! and hastily opening my newly-purchased treasure turned to the awful words, " TO COREESPONDENTS, SiC," where I fully expected to see " Peter Priggins is an old fool ! The editor's cook-maid, how- ever, is grateful to him for a timely supply of curl-papers, so he may think himself lucky that his article has not proved altogether unservice- able ;" or, " solve senescentem equum, you, Peter P. are the old ass alluded to ;" or some kind hint of the sort — but no ! I was "accepted," as the Freemasons say, so I got out my bread-and- cheese knife, and as rapidly as my trembling hands would allow me, '' cut ray way bravely through," to the spot on which all my hopes of 40 PETER PRIGGINS. fame rested — and there, sure enough, I found my article in printed characters ! ! ! I tried to read it — but in vain — I can't describe my feel- ings, or why I could not read in legible print what I had mumbled over and over again in illegible MS. ; nor can I say what I did, but I've a faint recollection of having made an excessive fool of myself in a private way. I do recollect rush- ing to the buttery, and asking for a pint of the dean's particular, which, I fancied, tasted more delicious than usual, and smacked my lips at the aroma that rested upon them. " I consider," said Spigot the butler, evi- dently pleased at my appreciating his manufac- ture, " that that's the best beer in — " " The New Monthly Magazine," said I. " Oxford," continued Spigot. " Better was never brewed by — " " The editor," said I, again lowering my jug. " Messrs. Squashy and Washy, the great — ''" " Publisher in Great Marlborough Street," said I. " Brewers," ended Spigot, who bore my inter- ruptions with more philosophy than I should have PETER PRIGGINS. 41 given him credit for ; but that I am aware he is usually as full of beer of his own brewing as I was then of the article of my own writing ; id est, " full to the bung." In saying that I was composed by my libation, I mean not to insinu- ate that Spigot used narcotics in his malt — he was too wide awake at all hours, though he kindly condescended to drink several quarts of his best, in the course of the day, for those gentle- men who forgot to drink it for themselves. Great is the enmity between him and a water-drinker ! laudes redde domino ! But to return to me and my article. I did not say one word about it, even to my wife, that night ; but the next morn- ing I stepped down to College, called on one of my old masters, and told him of my success. He ordered me to leave the book with him, and call again. I did so. " Peter," said he, smiling, " you are an inde- pendent member of society 1 take a bottle of the oldest port from the furthest bin, and drink success to your bantling. But," as he returned the book, " draw it mild." I did as I was de- sired then, and mean to do so always. 42 PETER PRIGGINS. As I found I had not oflPended my superiors by " my life and times," I wished to ascertain what my compeers would say about it ; and though I fully expected to meet with a share of that envy which invariably attends on superiority, I confess I did not expect precisely the reception I met with, on entering the parlour of the Shirt and Shotbag — a respectable public, where col- lege - servants and little {non quoad corpora) tradesmen meet, to their mutual enlightenment on subjects private and public — generally in a peaceable and quiet way ; but on this occasion " opinion," as Euripides says, " went divided through the warlike army of the scouts ; — to some, it seeming good, to others, not," that I should venture to risk the reputation of the fra- ternity, by becoming an author, and publishing to the world things " that ought to be hidden under many a leaf," as Flaccus has it. To the elder brethren of the pail and pump- handle, my explanations were quite satisfactory ; but the younger branches of the profession who were present, being enrolled as members of the new " institution for promoting the quicker PETER PRIGGINS. 43 march of mechanism and morality,'"' were, of course, too conceited to listen to any one but themselves, and I was fearful of being obliged to resort to more powerful arguments than words, when the ringing of twenty or thirty bells saved me the trouble of performing that operation on their juvenile noses. College dinners were waiting for them — to wait on their masters — so they could not wait at the Shirt and Shot- bag to annoy us any longer. I found myself left in the company of my friends Broome, of Ch. Ch. College, and Dus- terly, of St. Mark^'s, like myself, retired bed- makers — men who had wisely adopted Horace's motto, "-pone moras et studium lua-i,'"' by giving up their lazy habits and hopes of extra fees, for the more rational, though no less professional de- lights of beer and baccur, as they invariably pronounce it at the " society of science and soci- ability," lately founded by Squashy and Washy, the great brewers before alluded to, in opposition to " The Society of Aquarians," who wish to substitute scalded succory for swipes, and the liquor of bad burnt beans for beer. 44 PETER PRIGGINS. " Priggins," said Broome, after taking kindly the head off the pint I had just ordered in, which he had a right to do, having the advan- tage of me by three inches in height, twelve in girth, and five years' seniority in college ; " Prig- gins, I feel grateful to you for your services to college-servants, a race of men who have hi- therto been expected to see all and say nothing. It becomes you, as a retired man, to be con- stantly before the public ; and since the publi- cation of Drunken Barnaby's journal, and the somniferous recipes of Cicero Kewkes, the public have been deprived of all opportunity of seeing into the nature of life in Oxford, the works which now and then emanate from the university press being too light for general reading, and but little known elsewhere. I trust, therefore, you will persevere ; and any little help I can give you, command it ; for, though not a dab at a dictionary, I'm down to all their doings, from fifty to five hundred a year." " And I," said Dusterly, quietly absorbing the corpus of my pint, of which Broome had taken off the caput {jam mortuum et sepultum). PETER PRIGGINS. 45 leaving me no residuum ; " I willingly pledge myself (I wished he had done it in his own beer) to haid so huseful a hobject." I politely remarked that it was not necessary for him to lay so much stress on his words to convince me of his sincerity, and thought the most acceptable mode of proving my gratitude for their kind offers was to order another pint, and drink their healths, and many thanks to them, for their obliging intentions, which I did in a bumper, and no heel-taps. " I am particularly delighted," continued Broome, " with your remarks on the great igno- rance one meets with out of Oxford ; but know- ing that fact, as you did and do, you ought to be more compassionate, and explain as you go along."" " Yes," chimed in Dusterly ; "ow can you himagine has hany of them hignoramuses knows hany thing about a common-room or a bursar? I pledge myself (which he would have done in my jug again, if it had not been empty) to prove that they fancy a common-room is a coffee-room at a hinn ; and a bursar a bagman, from your 46 PETER PRIGGINS. description of his coming hin hoff a journey, and drinking his bottoms of brandy." "And I wonder," resumed Broome, "what they take a scout and bedmaker to be ?"" "I'll bet pints round," said Dusterly, chuckling at his notion, " they fancy him a hamphibious hanimal, — a cross between a harrand-boy and a chambermaid."" " Well, gentlemen," said I, " I'm obliged by the hints you have given me ; but I feel easy on that subject, as some of our old masters, who are scattered every where over the face of the globe, will readily explain these difficulties if referred to. So, as you, Mr. Dusterly, seem to have got your steam up, perhaps you would fa- vour me with a few more valuable hints ?" " No," said Dusterly ; " I never like to hap- pear too knowing : — it gets a man into a scrape sometimes." " True," remarked Broome ; *' I know a case in point, which occurred to an old Westminster — I heard him tell it at a wine-party, up one of my staircases. No. 4, Tom Quad, three pair to the left. The conversation was running high, PETER PRIGGINS. 47 about racing, and hunting, and so on — and a little freshman was going no-end- of pace about what he had done and could do, and so on, — as freshmen are wont to do, — when the old West- minster pulled him up all of a heap with a double chiffney, and gave him a broad hint how to be- have himself, which I will tell you in his own words, as nigh as I can remember them. It was when Sir Thomas Mostyn was alive ; so I call it A DAY WITH SIR THOMAS. " When I came up to reside," he began, " I confess I knew little of riding, much less of hunting ; and the little knowledge I had of riding was more theoretical than practical ; my performances having been limited to the donkey which we bullied on the common at home in the holidays, and the old pony that had carried the whole family for twelve years at least ; whose hide was stick-proof, and whose paces were re- duced to two — one, slow, lingering and unwilling from the stable ; another quicker, livelier, and sometimes attended with indecent capers to his rack and manger. Still, while at Westminster, 48 PETER PRIGGINS. whenever hunting foxes or hares was talked of, or coursing or racing (steeple-chasing was not invented then, the country not being too thickly populated), I felt unwilling to acknowledge that my father was either too poor, too stingy, or too timid, to allow me to join in these manly amuse- ments ; and by picking up a few slang phrases from others, sneaking about the livery- stables in Westminster, chaffing with the grooms and coachmen, while waiting for their masters, about ' the houses,' I began to talk loudly of bulfinches and raspers, the long tails and the slips ; and offered and took the odds on the favourite for the Derby or the Leger ; and by my skill in hedging and making up a book, not only asto- nished my friends, but myself. In short, I told more lies about the matter in one day then, than I could now invent in a week. " My great misfortune was, as you will see by and by, that I could lie in safety, as our racing at school was confined to boat-racing, and our hunting to running after one another, some- times with a strongish scent in the air, too, in Tothill Fields, and I talked so well and so off- PETER PRIGGINS. 49 handedly, that no one dreamed I was coming Munchausen over him. " I was once very nearly caught out at it ; unfortunately I was not. According to my ac- count, my father, though he did not actually keep the hounds of the Northamptonshire hunt, was by far the largest subscriber to them, had the management of the kennel, and kept six hunters for his own use ; having always two out in the field, and hunting three times a week, besides cover-hacks, buggy-horses, and ponies for us boys. " I had told this story so often, that I not only imposed upon others, but began to enter- tain some doubts myself whether the stud was merely an imaginary one ; when, one day, as 1 was standing, talking sporting, and making a lash of twisted string to tie on to a hooked stick, as a feeble imitation of a hunting-whip, a new boy was brought in, and of course subjected to the usual pertinent, if not impertnent ques- tions, ' What's your name — eh spoony ?' with a cut on the face. " ' ^^^o — •^^^o — ^^'S — StiSg^"^/ replied the VOL. I. D 50 PETER PRIGGINS. novelty, blubbering at the unexpected warmth of his welcome. " ' Come, none o' that, you little beggar/ said another boy, who, setting matters even, by an application to his head's antipodes, asked him, * What's your governor ?' " ' A p — p — pars — parson/ " ' What ! do you mean a methodist parson ?' and to try his Christian humility he was smitten on the other cheek likewise. " ' No ; he 's rec — rec — rector of Clodpole- cum-Bumpkin in Northamptonshire.' " ' All right ! how much money have you got — eh ? did your governor stump up like a brick — eh ? What's your tip ?' " * A suf — sufferin, and if I want any more, I 'm to ask a boy named John Hallum for some — he's our squire's son.' " ' Hullo ! Jack Hallum ! here ! you 're wanted,' cried twenty voices to me at once, as I was sneaking off the moment I heard the brat's name and address. ' Here's a little kivey from your part of the world, who says you 're to be his banker, for he knows you at home ; and I PETER PRIGGINS. 51 dare say his mother expects you to wash his feet and comb his hair. Have you got a small- tooth and scrubbing-brush, you little varmint ?' " Poor Stiggins, to whom this was addressed, stared in amazement at a question he could not understand ; but, before it could be repeated, one of the big boys, who had, perhaps, doubted the genuineness and authenticity of some of my strainers, or was vexed at his own being eclipsed by them, came up, and, in a kinder tone than little Stiggins had yet heard in college, inquired how far he lived from me. " * Only just outside the park,' was the answer. " * And how many horses does old Hallum keep, my httle man ?' " * Two, now, a four-wheeler, and the post- man's pony — that un as you broke his knees. Master John,' meaning me. " I saw a knowing wink and a meaning smile pass round the circle of my old admirers, and I knew how thoroughly I was done, if once found out, so giving Stiggins a flick on his haunches with the whip, catching him by the scruflp of his neck, ' Come here, you little lying son of a D 2 52 PETER PRIGGINS. tithe-pig,' said I, ' come with me, and I '11 oblige your governor and governess by taking care of you as you deserve.' " I lugged him off to my room as quickly as I could, and there told him, that as I chose my father to have six hunters, and no end of hacks and brood mares, he must back my assertions, and I'd say his father kept his carriage, and his sisters had a grand-piano ; but, if he dared to split on me, I'd not only swear his father was cut by all the country for going drunk to a funeral, but that his eldest sister had had a child by the gardener. " This, and the sight of the whip I was just finishing off, had the desired effect, and I told more lies, of a much superior description, than I did before his arrival, appealing to him for confirmation of them — with, ' Did n't I, Stig- gins?' — ' Of course — to be sure — I remember it well.' It was not likely that he had forgotten what he had never heard of before. " When I went down to Oxford to enter, I got up enough information in my old way, to return and give the most splendid description of PETER PRIGGINS. 53 a run I had had with the Craven, that beat Tom Smith's out and out; so that when I came into residence, I was expected to be a very fast man, and had to tell more lies than ever, to ex- plain how the governor was selfish enough to keep all his horses at home, and to threaten me with stopping the supplies, if I ever hunted or rode up at Oxford. " But ' culpam pcona premit comes^' as Ho- race very justly observes. That same big boy, now a little man, Tom Sharpe by name, who had always suspected me at school, was doubtless confirmed in his views of my character, and laid a trap for me. He invited me to a wine-party at his rooms, and as the champagne circulated, and the claret flowed, my ideas enlarged, and 1 certainly succeeded in astonishing every man there, even an A. B., of master's standing. " Tom Sharpe, who saw the time was come, rose and proposed my father's health, as a man to whom the county of Northampton was deeply indebted for his zeal and liberality, in promt)- ting the noble sport of fox-hunting. " ' Hallum and the hounds ! Hip — hip — hip 54 PETER PRIGGINS. — hurrah ! Nine times nine ! One cheer more ! Yoicks ! — tally ho ! — hark forward ! — go it, ye cripples ! — ^jingle, jingle, jingle — crash, smash, rattle — rap, rap, rap — who-hoop !' and down sat the company, exhausted with their efforts to do honour to me and the toast. " I replied modestly and appropriately, which elicited a fainter repetition of the former cheers. When they had subsided : — " ' I say, old fellow ! ' said Tom Sharpe, ' we've heard you talk a good deal about your leaps and all that, and devilish well you do talk, but we've never seen you do it. Now, I'll give you a mount to-morrow. You shall ride my Randy- rasper — we have an excellent meet, and shall have capital sport — sure to find, and in a country that will just suit you, who prefer brooks to stone walls.' " ' Hurrah !' cried the rest, ' you're a capital fellow, Tom — wish you 'd mount us all. You can't refuse, Hallum — eh ?' " In vain I hinted at my vow to the governor — my being obliged to go to three lectures, and my private coach on the morrow ; and, as a last PETER PRIGGINS. 55 resource, to the fact of my boots and breeches — white cords were all the go then — being left in the country, and my pink being quite too small for me. I was promised every thing for a com- plete set-out, and went to bed nearly dead drunk, with the pleasing conviction on what little of my mind I had left, that I should be quite dead next night, without the satisfaction of being drunk too. *' If going to sleep was bad enough under this impression, what were my feelings on awaken- ing in the morning ? I sat up in bed — my head aching ready to split — my tongue feeling like a bit of stale hung- beef in my parched mouth. My stomach ! — oh ! dear ! — and my nervous system not shaken, but completely shattered. At last I consoled myself with the thought that my crippled state was just the lucky thing to re- lease me from my unlucky engagement, and I was trying to write a note to Tom Sharpe, containing, in a shaky scrawl, a piteous state- ment of my case, and begging to be excused, when his servant entered my room, with a pair of tops in one hand, and the rest of the dress for t 56 PETER PRIGGINS. the ' character' I fancied I should play for that ' one day only ' in the other ; and, touching his hair with one finger, said : — "'Master's compliments, sir, the grub's on the table, and the trap ordered at hart-arter nine, and he hopes as ow you '11 clean yourself as quick as bricks.' " ' But, James,' said I, ' I really feel very ill ; I was just going to send a note to your master, to say I could not join him to-day.' " ' Master von't take no excuse,' replied James, looking determined, propositi tenax, ' for he knows you was bosky last night, and in course, qualmy this morning ; and the physic's ready what '11 set you all right in no time.' " ' Physic ?' " ' Yes, a hot mash, as you '11 lap up in no time, and feel yourself as full of beans as a grocer's coffee-mill ; but I must cut my lucky, sir, as master's a vaiting to be rubbed down ready for starting.' " As James or Jim, as his familiars called him, would not await any further expostulation, I began to dress. Imitating as closely as I could PETER PRIGGINS. 57 the correct men of that day, I took particular care to slew the buttons at the knees well for- ward in a slanting-dicular direction, and to push the boots down into the most desirable wrinkles. I put my hat on knowingly, with the ribbon fluttering in sight, which was to be confined to my collar as a beaver-catcher during the run ; and, putting my heavy-handled whip under my left arm, with the lash dangling about, squared my elbows, pulled on my Woodstocks, and started, not a little pleased at my personal ap- pearance, which I took care should not be lost on the college ; for I went under one excuse to the buttery, and another to the kitchen ; then stood in quad, and called loudly for my scout ; and when I thought all had been sufficiently gratified with the sight of the gentleman in pink, I turned out of college, and walked to Coll. at the same deliberate pace, and with the same gracious intentions to the public in ge- neral, as I had just evinced to my own college in particular, which induced a little dirty-nosed snob to cry out to one of his friends : — d5 58 PETER PRIGGINS. " ' I say, Bill, twig that ere scarlet -runner ; — an't he vun to go the pace ?' " I felt the insult, but did not express my in- dignation ; and, climbing up to Tom Sharpe's garret, found him, with two other men, pitching into underdone beefsteaks and kidneys, and washing them down with porter, in a way that surprised and disgusted me not a little, for they were just as drunk as I was over-night. " ' Hulloh ! old fellow,' cried Tom, ' why you have n't been fool enough to come out in pink without your great-coat and leggings on ? You '11 nap it, my boy ! You know your dons won't stand that. But, come, fall to — time's short — weather muggy — roads woolly, and whip- cord scarce.' " I shuddered at the food, like a Jew at a pork- chop; which Tom observing, he went on : — " ' Beg pardon, old fellow — 1 forgot Jim said you were off your feed, and wanted a drench — here, put your muzzle into this, and mop it up as quick and as hot as you can, and I '11 bet the long odds you '11 be all right before we get to Bicester.' PETER PRIGGINS. 59 " He put a neat silver tankard into my fore foot, as he called my hand, and the very odour of it was enough to gratify a dowager-duchess — the taste ! — ye gods ! — but, as I am not selfish, I '11 tell you the contents — probatum est. " Boil four glasses of jelly in a pint of the best Madeira, in a silver vessel ; add two glasses of Cura9oa, and a little powdered cinnamon, cloves, mace, and nutmeg ! — a drink for two ! — the which, if they don't ' drinkee for drunkee,' they'll get ' drunkee for drinkee.' " After imbibing about half a pint of this am- brosial nectar, and nibbling a hot ginger-nut, I felt much better, and rather saucy. Jim came in to say the buggies were ready ; and the trio lighting their cigars, in which I could not ven- ture to join them, we started for Kickum's livery-stables. " ' Now,' said Tom, ' tumble in, old fellow ; I'm waggoner — you pay pikes. The old flogger, Jim ; the clouds look watery.' So, taking a shabby, but straight- cropped whip from Jim, and sticking it upright by his side, away we went at a trot about fourteen miles an hour. 60 PETER PRIGGINS. with our two friends in a hack dennet behind, making up by a gallop now and then. " When we got to Deakins's at Bicester, where we were to leave the buggy and mount our horses, I felt so very queer again, that Tom thought the dose he had administered before starting had failed for once ; so, ringing the bell, he ordered a bottle of brown stout and some bread and cheese. " * / always,' said he, ' stick to the Brunonian system, and keep up to the mark — you 'II feed a little now, and be all right soon.' " I tried to eat, but my larynx, or fauces, or whatever the pill-grinders call one's swallow, felt so dry, I could not ; so, pouring down two tumblers of the stout, I proposed to be off. Having made up my mind to be killed, I thought that the sooner the throw off took place the better. The suspense is the worst part of it, as the man allowed, previously to his being turned off. " I found Randy-rasper in the yard, and mounted her successfully, and felt as long as we kept the road it would be * all right,' as Jim PETER PRTGGINS. 61 said ; but we met just out of the town, and in less than five minutes found ourselves among a hundred and fifty men at least. " Uninitiated as I then was in the mysteries of Nimrodism, I could twig the difference be- tween the regular-bred old stagers and the young would-be's, and comforted myself with the conviction that I was not the only fool going to ' risk his reputation on a horse's back j' and if Tom had allowed me to sneak about where I liked, I should have done very well ; but neither he nor his mare would allow me to part com- pany, so great was her attachment to her master, or his horse, her fellow- slave. " I won't detain you with an account of the hounds and horses, or the names, weights, and colours of the riders ; suffice it to say, all was done that judgment and skill could suggest, but Pug could not be found ; and after trying five or six covers we found ourselves — at a place called Claydon (upper, middle, or east, I forget which)— obliged, to my secret delight, and Tom Sharpe's evident disgust, to give it up as a blank day ; at the same time, I of course outwardly 62 PETER PRIGGINS. d — d my ill-luck, and was congratulating myself on showing off in a quiet canter to Bicester on the turnpike road, and lying like blazes when I got to college again, when a tall, gentlemanly - looking man, on a splendid gray — his scarlet frock and stained tops looking like work — rode up, and addressing Tom, who, I thought at the time, looked wicked, ' presumed we were Oxford men, and that our hacks were at Bicester ; and, if we would allow him, would show us across country, and save us two miles at least, especially as our hunters were fresh !' " Tom thanked him, and after making a few observations on the day, and the scarcity of foxes, he turned through a gap into a grass ground, and cantered gently ahead— Tom next, and I in the rear. I liked it amazingly at first, and clearing two furrows, at least eighteen inches wide, and a narrow ditch into the next ground, without losing a stirrup, began to fancy I could do it as it should be. " Our pace gradually quickened, still nothing occurred to frighten me till we came to a gaping ditch, full of water, with what I thought an awful PETER PRIGGINS 63 hedge on the other side. ' You must ram them at it, gentlemen,' said our guide, and he and Tom were over in no time, as Jim would have said. ' Forward !' cried both, and away I went, Jupiter only knows how or where ; but I stuck on somehow, and found myself going along, at a slapping pace, over a deep fallow — then partly through, and partly over, a stiff thorn fence — then between two ash-trees, so close together as to threaten destruction to both my knees at once. Here my hat being knocked off, and bounding against my back, still holding on by the ribbon, made the sort of rattling noise the dealers make with their hats and sticks, when they are ' show- ing out a horse.' This put Randy-rasper on her mettle, and my knees beginning to grow weak, and my strength to fail me, I shouted out as loud as I could to ' pull up ;' but Tom, purposely and maliciously mistaking my shouts, joined with our leader in ' Yoicks ! forward ! well done, my boy — go it !' I gave myself up as lost — I seemed to fly, or rather hedges, trees, brooks, walls, and houses seemed to fly by me and I to stand stock- still. The last thing I recollect seeinff was a hah- 64 PETER PRIGGINS. hah ! with an enormous wall and a wire fence on the top of it. I closed my eyes in the last ago- nies of despair, and opened them again, as I thought, after a minute or even a second, though it appears I was insensible for nearly an hour. I am now convinced I was not sensible when I started from Oxford. " When I came to myself I found I was sit- ting on the ground, with my back against a tree, our leader, Sir Harvey Takemin, and Tom Sharpe, standing over me, and sponging my face with their handkerchiefs, which they had soaked in a neighbouring duck-pond. " ' Well, old fellow,' said Tom, ' worth ten stiff ones yet ; but you've spoilt your beauty.' " * All right now",' said the baronet, ' here we are in Trottington Park ; I'll get the mare caught, give you some lunch, and send you on to Bicester in my trap.' '' In trying to thank him I lisped most wofully, and putting my hand to my mouth found I had knocked out four front teeth ; and, on further examination, had cut a regular canal out of my forehead, around which Tom had bound my .rJ^^ .^l^^ . '//r i^ //.,/'/f/r //I r„ i/yf/r //I r.. ,y ,' i ,"/•' //,J/ Af/r- ^V/^ //•//•. PETER PRIGGINS. 65 neckerchief. Luckily no bones were broken ; the only further damage was the loss of my hat, which I supplied at the park, and one of my spurs, which was afterwards found and dug out of the pummel of my saddle. " I need not tell you that I could eat nothing. I took, by the advice of our kind but mischief- loving entertainer, a large glass of cold without, and got back to college as sore and miserable as any poor devil could be. I sneaked into bed, and would never have got up again, if my tutor had not insisted on seeing me the next morning. " I rose and went to his rooms, looking like ' a figure in plaster' — only not so classical. " ' Take a seat, sir,' said he. Now this was doubtless well meant — but human nature could not endure it. " ' All the rest is leather,' as Dr. Pangloss says ; but if he had been in my place he would not have spoken so contemptuously of leather. We never know the value of a thing till we lose it — I respectfully begged to receive his remarks standing. 66 PETER PRIGGINS* cc ' Mr. Hallum ! hem ! you were not at cha- pel yesterday, sir, either in the morning or eve- ning — mane noctuve — you were absent from all your college lectures, losing my entertaining and invaluable annotations on the several topics un- der discussion — and you did not dine in hall — these are your negative crimes. You were posi- tively weak enough, to use a mild term for fool and ass enough, to strut about quad in a dress — borrowed too, I'm informed — forbidden by the laws of this college, and the statutes of the uni- versity. You will therefore translate all your lectures, confine yourself to hall, chapel, and college ; I shall cross your name on the buttery and kitchen books, and — think yourself well OFF.' " Fortunately for me it was discovered that I had been out in a gig, without leave, and my sentence was commuted to rustication for two terms — of course I destroyed the tutor's letter, which conveyed the tidings of my disgrace to my father, and substituted a doctor's certificate of ill health, recommending country air, and especially horse exercise. PETER PRIGGINS. 67 " Thus the old adage was verified in me — * omnibus in malis aliquid boni inest' — (which some translate, ' there's always some boneing, i.e. thieving going on in those rascally omni- buses.') I escaped quizzing and Tom Sharpe ; came up again with a sound and firm seat, and not afraid to face any country. " So now give me one more cigar, and I'll toddle off to my perch, ' to sleep, perhaps to dream,' of Trottington Park." " Broome," said I, when he had done, " I feel obliged to you for your story, and with your leave will adopt it in my next number." " Why, as to adopt," rephed he ; "if you mean by adopt — to call it your own, it's a lie ; but if you choose to treat us to a paper of bird's- eye, and three quarts of the best beer, you may swear it's a child of your own, for all I care — you're not the first man by some hundreds who has got credit, and profit too, from adopting another man's notions and ideas ! Adopting children is not near so common nor profit- able." " Hand has the heditor will be ignorant hof 68 PETER PRIGGINS. hit, you need not esitate," called out Dusterly, as he rose and made a hanticipatory happlica- tion to the bell " for orders"— not theatrical or- ders, for I paid 2s. 4^d. for them, whereas the others are free gratis for nothing. When I had discussed my share of the beer and bird's-eye, I parted from my friends with my usual politeness and punctuality — for I al- ways tea at six. As I bent my " homeward way," as Goldsmith says in " the Curfew," and conned over Broome's story in order to recollect it sufficiently to turn it into writing — a very difficult thing, let me tell you, for a young au- thor of nigh seventy — I could not help congra- tulating the coroner of the university — for we collegians don't condescend to let county or city body-searchers sit upon us, but keep a private one for our own convenience — I say I could not help congratulating our man on being so seldom called upon to exercise the disagreeable duties of his honourable office. It really is wonderful so few accidents happen, considering the number of boys that come up from school, and fancy themselves men all at once, and though they PETER PRIGGINS. ' 69 were never outside a horse in all their previous states of existence, go and give eight shilHngs to commit suicide on an Oxford hack, when they might effect their object, and have a cold bath too, for nothing, their corpses when " found drowned"" being sent home to their anxious mo- thers witliout a mark upon them. I can only account for the miracle in one way, which is, that the livery-stable-keepers, hackmen, as we call them, are as clever, almost, as we scouts, and know their men at first sight — keeping horses to suit all sorts, just as they used, in Mac- heath's time in the gaols, to keep fetters to fit all sizes of limbs and purses. As to a scout, if he is possessed of any judg- ment and discrimination, i. e. nous, combined with practice, he can detect a green one the moment he sees him — how, I will explain in some future number : — a public schoolboy will sometimes cause a minute or two's hesitation; but your private pupil at dfi'SOO per annum, and two glasses of wine after dinner — you can't mis- take him! — he invariably looks as if he had been brought up by two maiden aunts, encouraged to 70 PETER PRIGGINS. keep tame rabbits, eat moist-sugared bread-and- butter, and indulge in such other little enjoy- ments which " need no foreign aid nor sympa- thy." I'm not over fond of them. PETER PRIGGINS. 71 CHAPTER III. UxTiL I, Peter Priggins, became an author, and gave to the public those thoughts which I had previously been in the habit of keeping to myself, I confess I had not the remotest idea of the pains and penalties attendant on the digito monstrari ; or of the propensity of my fellow- creatures to appropriate to themselves characters, for which neither nature nor art ever designed them. I am tempted to make these observations in consequence of several observations that have been made to me — some rather rudely — since the Oxford public " knew I was out." I shall merely give one incident to illustrate my point, lest I unwisely expose myself to the rebuke ne quid nimis. One day, as I was proceeding up St. Giles's in 72 PETER PRIGGINS. order to take my favourite postprandial walk, round the parks and up to where — as they say of Hicks's Hall — the Diamond House " formerly stood," per se, in all the dignity of loneliness — a spot now, as my friend Dusterly remarks, " kivered hover with hornamental abitations :" just before I got to St. John's I heard the steps of some one progressing rather rapidly in my rear, and on turning round to gratify an excu- sable curiosity and see who my pursuer was, I recognized Dr. Puffs of Coll., a rubicund reverend of long standing in the University, and a victim to rheumatism — an alias for gout, which he perseveringly insists on adopting, notwith- standing all the faculty are against him. As I turned round to pay my respects to him by re- moving my hat — an article of dress to which the idiosyncracy of our race forbids us to resort, ex- cept in the streets — he dashed his cane to the ground with so loud and sudden a percussion as to cause me to retrograde a yard at least, and articulating as distinctly as the sublimis anhelitus caused by his unusual speed in pursuit of me would allow of, said — PETER PRIGGINS. 73 " Priggins, I believe ?" I bowed assent, and there's something pecu- liarly fascinating and respectful in a scout's bow, implying a sense of humility, but not of the degradation of a domestic menial — a family footman — Teapots we call them. "Peter Priggins?" resumed he, laying a stress on my praenomen. 1 bowed again. " Formerly scout, bedmaker, and common - room-man of St. Peter's ?" " Yes, sir ; where I have often had the plea- sure of doing the attentive, when you invited yourself to dine with any of our gentlemen." " Silence, sirrah ! Author, too, of the trash in the N. M. M., which you are pleased to call your ' Life and Times ?' as if a scout ought ever to call his life his own, or devote his time to any thing but his masters !" As he uttered this with a volubility and ra- pidly-increasing redness of the face that posi- tively alarmed me lest he should burst, he con- tinued to advance, repeating the application of his crutch-headed cane upon the pavement so VOL. I. E 74 PETER PRIGGINS. that I was obliged in self-defence to assent and retreat at the same time, until I got the posts of St. John's terrace between us, through which I knew his rotundity could not obtrude without a great deal of time and dexterous manoeuvring. " How dare you, sirrah," he continued, " shew me up ?" " Vou, sir," replied I, in amazement ; for I'll declare on the honour of a scout I had too great a respect for the University to drag so remark- able an individual before the public as a speci- men of one of it? members. " You, sir ?" " Yes, me, sir ;" and in giving emphasis to his rejoinder he directed a sturdier blow than usual at the pavement, which unluckily lighted heavily on the newly-convalescent great toe of his suffer- ing foot. Never shall I forget the very odd expression of his otherwise inexpressive features ! a sort of mixture — pain and rage, a. a. jiij, with a sense of self-humiliation, and the certainty of a renewed fit of podagra, q s. The positive inability at getting at the injured member to rub it, owing to his obesity, probably prolonged his passion and the pain — not to mention the PETER PRIGGINS. 75 grins of sundry snobiculi, who were passing to the national schools at the moment. As soon as he had recovered sufficiently to give utterance to his words, he recommenced— (My part of the dialogue being carried on by " nods and becks and wreathed smiles.") " Me, sir ! yes, sir ! Ain't I a Bursar ? Don't I come in off a journey ? Don't I eat soup — drink port wine and egg-flip, and top up with brandy-and- water? Don't I know a man named Smith or Smyth ? and yet you deny having shewed me up in No. I. !" From my knowledge of his habits, I could not deny his assertions as to the love of liquids, and felt but little reasonable doubt in my mind that he knew a man named Smith. I, therefore, merely suggested that every college in Oxford had a Bursar, (pursers they call them on board ship) and every Bursar might or might not, as chance or nature dictated, drink port, eat soup, top up with cogniac, and know a man named Smith ; but it did not follow that any individual of them had sat for the portrait I drew of our Bursar in No. I. e2 16 PETER PRIGGINS. However effective my words and manner might have been with any more reasonable and less irate person, with Dr. Puffs they produced pre- cisely the same results on his temper as a few grains of arsenic do on being added to gunpow- der ; he went off as quick again as before, and fired away with such increased velocity that I could not distinctly hear his sentences, but had a strong suspicion that his style was bordering on the naughty and uncivil, and am firmly per- suaded his last words were, " D — d old twaddle !" I merely mention this to shew how difficult it is to steer clear of the charge of personality, unlesi you treat of matters and men indubitably antediluvian. I really regret to add that Dr. Puffs dined on some delicious apoplectic dishes that day at some other man's expense, and (from the quantity or quality of the viands, and the excitement inimical to digestion which his interview with me, his traducer, as he wrongly thought me, had unfor- tunately caused) was obliged to be conveyed home in a fly, serious fears being entertained that he had the gout in his stomach, until PETER PRIGGINS. 77 the physician had ascertained by inquiry that from the mass of sohds and fluids stowed away there, it could not possibly be, because there was not room for it. Dr. Puft''s rudeness upset me, and as I knew it was useless to pursue my intended walk with a view of ridding myself of my annoyed feelings, I adopted the advice which all doctors in difficult cases invariably give, and tried change of scene. I slipped quietly across Broad Street, down the Turl, Blue Boar Lane, and by the back of the Peckwater, through Merton Groves, into Christ- church Meadow, where I amused myself by ob- serving the antics of the younger branches of our profession, -who, in " the Long" [subaudi, vacation) are, like their masters, at leisure, and indisposed for any thing but pleasure as long as their accumulated wages last out. I must confess that, strong as my prejudices are in favour of Oxford men in any athletic sports, especially rowing, 1 have seen a crew of College servants go it nearly as well, and look nearly as gentlemanly as their masters, in an eight or four oar — especially as they make it a rule 78 PETER PRIGGINS. to keep their masters' Jerseys and pea-jackets aired, by giving them due daily exposure to the sun and wind, on their own persons ; their powers of imitation, too, might really impose upon any innkeeper, below the town of Abingdon, so far as to induce him to imagine them gentlemen in disguise, if they did not over do it, and would but keep their mouths shut, except for the pur- pose of imbibing their beer and inhaling their tobacco. In my younger days, things on the water were different to what they are now ; Godstow and Medley up-stream were resorted to, and racing was seldom or ever heard of until Medley was done away with as a place of refreshment, and the boats transferred to the river below Oxford : then they began to increase in number, and im- prove in build. The Etonians and Westminsters stimulated the Davises and Bossoms to emulate the fame and charges of Serle, Rawlinson, and other eminent London manufacturers ; and poor Stephen undertook the office of private nautical, or rather fresh-aquatic or cymbatic tutor, much to the undergraduate's advantage and his own. PETER PEIGGINS. 79 " Going down with Stephen" meant work was intended; and when he was in condition and good wind, his spirts were awful and killing to those whose stamina was at all weak. A good boat-race is certainly a splendid sight, especially when conducted in the fair, manly, and honourable way in which the Oxford matches are ; no base thoughts of winning a cup, value fifty guineas, intervening; but all for sheer honour and the pride of seeing the College colours at the top of the flag-staff of the barge : a pride in which we servants share as fully as our masters, and when victorious we offer our liba- tions to old Father Thames in wholesome ale — at their expense, as freely and as zealously as they do, under the more classic name of Governor Isis, in claret and champagne. Boating is an amusement, the cheapest and most innocent of any in Oxford ; and I hope the time will never come when the tea-and-tract- men get such an ascendency as to talk even of putting it down. As long as any of us of the old school live, we shall oppose it — I mean our masters, not ourselves ; but these are queer 80 PETER PRIGGINS. times, and much of what was formerly considered morahty is now called vicious, and deprecated accordingly. The time may come when the boats will be sold to buy books of science for the natives of Timbuctoo, and other outlandish places, the profits of which will go to those nice men the missionaries, and the oars be converted into staves to arm the men of the new rural police force — n**! 7£»'o»to, says Peter Priggins ! With regard to the Henley regatta, I cannot say I quite like the idea of our young men let- ting themselves down to the level of the crews of those monstra natantia, the guards, Leanders, and others, who row for hire, i. e. work to win — besides I have a horror of any amusement that opens the way to gaming or betting ; and many a man, to make himself appear fast, will hazard a wager with one of those knowing in- viduals above alluded to, the payment of which — for he's sure to lose — may cripple him for two or three terms ; and although I like a lark as well as any man, and hate a humbug as I do old Nick, I am a bit of a stickler for college discipline — it keeps us respectable in the eyes of an en- PETER PRIGGINS. 81 vious world — who would crush us if they could — but they can't. The idea of our men entering themselves, like race-horses, to run for a cup, for the amusement of all the landlords, louts, and labourers of a little cockneyfied neighbour- hood like Henley, and the advantage of the licensed victuallers, is very annoying and de- grading — it smells too strong of profit. I always fancy the hotel-keepers doing a sort of rule ot three sum to themselves when they think of it ; as, " If two Oxford men come here and spend i?5, what will four hundred spend ?" Not to mention getting rid of the stale beer and flat bottled porter to the cads and coachmen who form their tail. Whenever Cambridge chal- lenges us to row them at Henley, well and good ; we will go in and beat them — if we can ; and if they like the winners to be entertained with a good supper afterwards, well and good ; but no medals — no cups — no purses — say I, for the honour and glory of Oxford. Such a match as that to which 1 have just consented took place about nine or ten years since, and I've got a letter all about it, which I e5 82 PETER PRIGGINS. here publish. One of my masters gave it to me ; it was written by a friend of his, who was one of a party at the HENLEY BOAT-RACE, BETWEEN OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE. It is directed to " Robert Rural, Esq. " Rustic Grange, " Rutlandshire. " Dear Bob, "I am very seedy, and rather stiff j neverthe- less I cannot resist the inclination to try to re- lieve the ennui under which you must be labour- ing in the country. The idea of being boxed up with your old governess at the Grange ! — doing penance on barley-water and boiled chicken — no beer, no wine, no nothing — in submission to the orders of your medical is rather a nuisance I calculate ; but it's all your own fault, you will be so devilish fast there's no stopping you, until you run your head against some wall or other, and get pulled up all of a heap. Just as if you could not have kept quiet for one week, and PETER PRIGGINS. 83 pulled in our boat, instead of larking off to Witney after Poll Stich, the little ugly miDiner's girl, and depriving us of the best No. 7 that ever turned oar in ro'llock, thereby losing your laurel crown, (though one of parsley would be more congenial now with your chicken) for, to ease your doubts at once, Oxford won by a hun- dred yards at least ; but I must give you an account of the whole thing, it was res non parva I can tell you. " We found no little difficulty in getting a man to supply your place, but at last obtained a Jesus man, full of bone and beer ; which last substance we succeeded in abstracting by a severe course of sudorifics and salts, under the advice and inspection of Stephen Davis, who got him into wind, by making him pull behind him, in a two-oar, down to Iffley and back, every other hour every day, as soon as he considered him medicinally safe for a start ; giving him two sour plums, and a glass of acid Chablis between the heats, to keep his pluck up. He pulls stronger than you, old fellow, and that's saying a good deal for him ; but, as Stephen says, ' rolls 84 PETER PRIGGINS. about in the boat like a barrel of beer in Squashy and Washy's dray ;' — that will soon be rectified. " The crew started two days before the race, and pulled gently down to Henley, merely try- ing a spirt now and then to prove their wind, when they came to a fine reach, and arrived at the Hart in splendid condition — their hands as hard as horn, and without a blister, owing to Stephen's training and superior beeswax. Not an ounce of spare flesh among them, even in the Welshman ; but skin clear, and well strained over the starting muscles, with eyes as ' bright as bricks,' as Lord Nincompoop very ably re- marked ; he's always great at a simile. Stephen ordered the beefsteaks, and presided over the cooking of them, to ensure their being properly not cooked ; that is, merely just shown the fire to produce sufficient perfume and outside co- louring to convince the consumers they were not performing an act of cannibalism. To wash down this morqeau each man was allowed half a pint of porter, and four glasses of port wine, and then Stephen undertook ' the character of cham- bermaid for that night only,' and saw every man PETER PRIGGINS. 85 safe in bed ; an example he followed himself, after putting on his usual nightcap — fourteen glasses of cold without, and twenty-eight cigars —judiciously observing as he bit one end off the last, and missed the candle with the other, in endeavouring to light it, ' I'm not a going to pull nor steer, and it's very hard if I can't have a little rational recreation !' " It was an understood thing throughout the university that any man who chose might go to Henley, provided he asked leave of the Dean of his college, was back before twelve o'clock, and did not go in a tandem, which was very rigidly and very properly forbidden. Our Dean, you know, is a regular trump, and though he keeps his teams to their work — never double thongs them unnecessarily, and is always ready to grant all reasonable indulgences. Upon the present occasion, he showed his usual judgment and kindness, by bargaining with Costar and the other proprietors, for two coaches to carry all the men who wished to go to Henley and back at a certain moderate sum ; thereby en- suring comfort and economy too. I got leave 86 PETER PRIGGINS. to go in Kickum's trap, with three other men — Dick Downe, who was to be waggoner, and wanted to use the long reins; but the Dean would not hear of it, though Dick brought up fifteen of his most intimate friends — presiding geniuses of the * Tivy,' ' Tally-ho,' and other crack coaches, to certify to his proficiency in handling the ribbons ; and could have produced their wives and families to strengthen his case, if requisite, for Dick is too fond of all connected with coaching to limit his attentions to the male branches of the profession. It was no go — so we had a pair, and a pair of good ones — Wood- pecker, that kicked Sam Strapper's leg in two, and old Peter that bit a piece out of Will Wisp s breeches. " Our two friends, who rode behind, were So- lomon, the son of Sir Solomon Stingo, the great London porter brewer, who is generally known by the sobriquet of the Knight of Malta, and Tim Tripes, a fresh importation from Charter- house ; and, of course, a good judge of London entire. " Now, I confess to a little mahce in our mo- PETER PRIGGINS. 87 tives for picking out these two men, as we made sure of a good rise or two out of them during the day. Solomon is a great ass, very rich and very stingy j but he consented to pay pikes all the way, provided he was allowed to play a tune on a tin trumpet in every village we passed through, and to announce our approach to the various pikemen. He can't bear the slightest allusion to malt in any shape — small-beer, table- ale, XX, or stout, and would not be seen with a pewter in his hand, to get his governor a ba- ronetcy. I knew from Tripes's talents in that line he would insist on pulling up at every pub- lic on the road to * wash the dust out of his mouth,' and thereby drive the brewer's boy into hysterics or convulsions. Rise No. 1. " You don't know Solomon, so I'll just give you an idea of him. Did you ever see a troop of yeomanry practising what is called post exer- cise ; that is, learning to cut off human heads by chopping with their swords at a lump of wood like a barber's block stuck on a barber's pole ? because that same pole with the block on it will give you no bad notion of Solomon's head 88 PETER PRIGGINS. and neck — shoulders he has none ; but to compensate for the deficiency of his upper build, he displays what the sailors call a remarkable breadth of beam amidships, and his legs appear as if he had obtained a grace of the house, or a dispensation from the vice-chancellor to wear the calf downwards. His face seems as if it had been badly cut out of a frosted savoy, and thatched with red-wheat straw. He has ferret- eyes, and a mouth evidently designed to dispose of asparagus by the bundle. His dress is in the worst possible outre taste of a Regent Street Sunday buck, with gold pins, rings, and chains, as ostentatiously displayed on all parts of his person as if he were training for bagman to a Brummagem jeweller. To crown all, on his nasty soapy red hair he wears a white beaver tastily turned up with green eaves. He is no beauty you*ll allow. " Tim Tripes, you know, as the best bow-oar in our boat — a Httle thickset fellow, with splen- did shoulders and deltoids well developed, full of pluck and science — not Aristotle's but Mr. Jackson's running a little too much to middle PETER PRIGGINS. 89 from constitutional unwillingness to let go a quart of porter before he has seen the bottom of it ; a trick acquired from tibbling-out down the lane, i. e., Charterhouse Lane, to the Red Cow ; the landlord of which noted public, generally a retired fighting-man, looked with sovereign contempt on every man and boy who ' couldn^t swallow a kevart hoff at vonce.' " As I knew the little town of Henley would be full to overflowing, I took the precaution of writing to an old college friend to secure stables or stalls for the prads. In reply he told me he had succeeded in doing so, at the Bell or the Bull, but from the horrid nature of his scrawl, re- sembling Egyptian hieroglyphics, Sanscrit, or Arabic characters, I could not tell which, so I left it to chance, or Providence — which some of our senators consider the same tiling. " Just before we set off, I saw Solomon's tiger busily employed in wiping the moisture oflp his forehead (with the wash-leather, intended for polishing his master's wine-glasses), caused, it appeared, from over-exertion in trying to cram a large hamper under the trap, which Solomon 90 PETER PRIGGINS. kindly informed us, with as knowing a look as his ferrety eyes could convey, contained six bottles of gooseberry champagne, two of British brandy, and a large rook-pie, with bottled porter to match ; ' for you know,' said he, ' they im- pose dreadful at inns, at public times, and we can slip out the back way, sit down in a field, and have a good dinner cheap, six bottles of sham champagne — it's very good though — twelve shillings ; — two of brandy — best British — nine ; — ^that's a guinea.' (Making use of his fingers for ready reckoners.) ^ The rooks I shot at Nuneham a week ago, and got Mother Prig- gins to put a cover over them, in exchange for an old waistcoat — so that don't count. My go- vernor stands porter — we can beg a bit of salt, and buy a twopenny buster at a baker's-shop. Now, if we had dined at the inn, we should have had to pay a guinea apiece, instead of the same sum between four of us — for I don't mean to stand treat except for the crow-tart and porter.' " We did not oppose the stingy dog's whim then, but got all our rattletraps into the pheaton, as Kickum's ostler (not to vary from his kind) PETER PRIGGINS. 91 called it, and started as soon as Woodpecker and old Peter had done kicking and biting. They went off screwy at first, being groggy from overfast work ; but as Kickum predicted, * as soon as they got warm, and the jint He began to act,' away they went, about twelve miles an hour, thus illustrating VirgiPs ' vires acquirit eundo.'' We got along well till we came to the Harcourt Arms, at Nuneham. Solomon pulled out his tin trumpet, and had just commenced toot- toot- tooing, to the evident risk of blowing his front teeth out, when Tripes bawled out, ' Wo- ho !' — a sound Woodpecker and old Peter willingly obeyed, in spite of Dick's persuasions lashingly applied. ' I say, old fellows, you don't think I am going to pass the best glass of ale on the road ? Hillo ! Mother Bung ! bring out four quarts of the best in the pewters ! What's one apiece to begin with ?' I turned round to get a glimpse of Solomon's face — he was looking daggers at Tripes, and holding the tin trumpet up in the air, like Mr. Harper preparing for a flourish, indicating a hostile descent on the head of his enemy — but Tim doubled his palm, which 92 PETER PRIGGINS. was ready extended for the malt, and merely observed, ' If you do^ when the arm dropped ' listlessly by his side, and ' the music ' into the road, where it performed a peculiar description of pirouette for two minutes in the dust to Solo- mon's horror — -as he had to give a quart of beer to the blacksmith's man for wiping it with his dirty apron. " 'Here's to you, Mr. Musician,' cried Tripes ; * come, sink your family- failing for once, and taste the tap— won't you ? — Then I'll do it for you.' The hand and head went gradually and beautifully back together, until the initials of Mary Thompson were visible at the bottom of the cup, and he found breath to say, ' All right, Dick ! the gentleman with red hair will pay you as we come back, Mother Bung, by ! by !' " Solomon swore it was a shame, and said he'd be blowed if he would — and sulked and grumbled to Dorchester, where his conceit of his musical abilities got the better of his temper, and he blew his tin vociferously, till the White Hart ap- peared in view, when Tripes again cried ' Wo- ho ! capital porter, here. Landlord ! four pints PETER PRIGGINS. 93 best stout.' It was only three miles from our last pull up, so we positively declined. But Tripes insisted on his allowance, taking especial care, in handing it into the trap, to drop a tea- cupful over Solomon's new white kerseymeres, and drank it leisurely, to enjoy, with one eye, the spiteful look of vindictiveness depicted on his victim's face, as he carefully removed the ' stain upon his honour ' with a refulgent red pocket-handkerchief, till Tripes cried out, ' All right, the gentleman in beery breeches will pay as we come back.' " About a mile further is a little place called Shillingford, with two road-side houses just op- posite to each other, where Tripes wanted to stop again to see whether a proper sense of com- petition had stimulated the respective landlords to brew something a little better than common, but his usual ' Wo-ho !' would not have suc- ceeded, for Dick was awake to his plans by this time, and was cutting into Woodpecker and old Peter unmercifully, had not the water-troughs on either side of the road proved as tempting to the nairs as the words ' real home brewed ' 94 PETER PRIGGINS. did to Tripes. There we were ! Woodpecker, who was on the near side, making for the left- hand trough, and old Peter doggedly determined to reach the other on the right — each horse being ably assisted in his struggles by the ostler and landlord of the house for which he was showing so decided a preference. When the landladies endeavoured to seduce the gentlemen on their sides, Dick dropped his whip in despair, singing ' How happy could I be with either ! ' and the * war of words ' between the adherents of the centre gauche and the centre droite was at length allayed by Tripes calling out ' A plague on both your houses — Mrs. left-hand house ! bring two quarts of your best ! Mrs. right-hand ditto ! ditto ! — Left-hand ostler ! — right-hand ditto ! — the gentleman in the harmonic line will give you sixpence apiece to bring each of those horses a pot of beer, and if they won't drink it, you can do it for them, and favour them with a bucket of water in exchange.' Solomon's de- murrer was useless — we all swore we had no money, so he paid for all, taking his change to the uttermost farthing, and grumbling ' Here's a pretty go — I'm to stand Sam all day I' PETER PRIGGINS. 95 " We got off again as quickly as we could, for fear we should be involved in a discussion be- tween Tripes and the opposition landlords, as to which was the best brewer ; a question he would not have ventured to decide without critically investigating the contents of every barrel in their cellars. However, he seemed willing to move on, as he knew that Benson was only a mile and a half further, and that we meant to stop and feed ourselves and the prads at the White Hart. " As ill-luck would have it, just as we turned into the gateway of that inn in good style, Solo- mon melodiously saluting the house with evident self-satisfaction, and anticipating the praises of ' the boys,' the Alert was standing there, with the horses put to, and Black Will in the act of mounting the box with the reins and whip in his off-hand. Whether his team had no ' music in their souls,' or were uxorious, and had a horror of horns, I can't say; but they all four began dancing out of tune and the yard, before Will had gained the box, whence he ' came down with a run,' as the Jack tars say, and was 96 PETER PRIGGINS. dragged some little distance by the reins before the horses could be stopped. "Now those who know the ' Black Prince f' as Mr. Bowers was called when he worked on that coach (though one wag was wicked enough to suggest that the title was acquired from his having been seen at a battle of A -^m- court), must be well aware that his excessive politeness would be rather tried by so unpleasant an eject- ment from ' his seat.' He rose gracefully — gave the reins and whip to the horsekeeper — made signs to boots to rub him down, and then walked deliberately up to poor Solomon, who had been viewing these proceedings with feelings verging on insanity, and touching his hat with his usual urbanity, and putting his heavy foot on the horn, and crushing it flat, said, ' You Spooney ! — next time you wants to prac/we on that there bugle, perch yourself somewhere or other, where there ain't no horses nor basses to hear you.' Then turning round to Dick, who was looking deprecatingly, and shaking him by the hand much more affectionately than his own father would or could have done, he whispered PETER PRIGGINS. 97 loudly enough for the whole assembly to hear, ' Dick ! I thought as how you was too far ad- vanced to put such an hass as that into a guard's place ! — Why, his werry looks 'ud ruin the best consarn on the road.' Dick made an humble apology, and an offer of a libation, which Will accepted, in the shape of two glasses of cold brandy-and- water, concentrated into one, and then mounted his box and drove off for Henley, with his fourteen outside and six in — the super- numeraries being shouldered, ' in course !' " Solomon was too deeply engaged in trying (fortunately without success — tin being at a pre- mium in Benson) to procure a new musical in- strument, to join us in a quiet kidney and a glass of Cura9oa, though we made him pay, under the former successful plea of having no tin like himself, and a threat of Shrub's, sug- gested by ourselves, that he would detain him, and have him up before a beak, if he did not. Dick was so anxious to overtake the Alert, and beat his dark friend into Henley, that poor Woodpecker and old Peter were forced to kick and bite in evident disgust at being put- to VOL. I. F 98 PETER PRIGGINS. before they had properly digested their pro- vender. " Talking of provender, I must tell you a story : A juvenile commercial, out on his first journey, arrived at the inn to which he had been recommended by his predecessor, and, to come it double strong, disdained to use the language of other men, telling the ostler to ' provender his quadruped while he discussed his chop.' " Mr. Rub'emdown, not knowing the precise interpretation of this oracular order, mentioned it to an old traveller in the Manchester line, who wickedly explained it to mean, ' crop his mane and ears close, and cut his tail down to a short dock,' which was accordingly done, much to the ostler's satisfaction, under the full anticipation of a double fee for despatch. " When the gentleman ordered his gig, and having paid his score was about to mount, he swore in a most indecent manner that ' that ^orse was not his'n, but another man's ! ' nor would he be convinced to the contrary until Rub'emdown fetched the stray attributes, and replaced them as well as he could, making his PETER PRIGGINS. 99 identity undeniable. I need not say, he never showed at the same house again. " We got over the next five miles without a check, although it is all against collar. Dick jockeyed Tripes at Nettlebed, by jerking his elbow violently against his mouth, just as we got to the Red Lion, thereby preventing the usual ' Wo-ho ! ' and by tipping Woodpecker and Peter a ' short Tommy,' i. e., sticking an enormous large shirt-pin, in the shape of a coach-pole and splinter-bars, into their quarters, which engaged their attention too much to allow them to see the water-trough by the road-side, we got close up to the Alert just at the commencement of the fair-mile, where Dick began to make play to pass WiU. The old stager was too deep for him, and commenced the jostling system, which so amazed our charioteer, that seeing what he conceived a good opening to turn out on the turf, and give Will the go-by, he tried it on, and upset us very easily, but ludicrously, into a ci-devant gravel-pit, to the great amusement of every one but ourselves. However, the only harm done was from a vio- lent kick of Woodpecker's, judiciously admi- f2 100 PETER PRIGGINS. nistered on Solomon's centre of gravity, and the ingratitude of old Peter, who bit a piece out of Tripe'^s coat-tail, as he was kindly endeavour- ing to set him on his legs again. Amidst the shouts of the clods, ' we up and after them,' get- ting into the town just as Will had touched his hat and his fees. " We pulled up at the Bell, and found my friend had got us a capital two-stalled stable, in which we saw our nags comfortably locked up with full racks and mangers, and toddled off to the Hart to see how the crews looked, and hear the opinions as to the result. We ordered din- ner at five, as the race was to take place at eight, without saying a word to Solomon, and on our return from viewing the natives and the boats, found a nice dish of stewed eels, fried perch, framed with gudgeons, cold lamb and salad, and roasted pigeons, with lots of Reading asparagus upon the table. Solomon was missing ; and just as we had finished our fish, and the * premier pop' of Champagne was heard, he made his ap- pearance, to tell us ' he had fixed on a nice quiet corner for the crow-tart and gooseberry,' PETER PRIGGINS. 101 but bolted again when he saw we were otherwise engaged, looking exasperated at our extrava- gance, and buttoning up both his trousers' pockets, as a hint we were to pay for ourselves this time. " But to the race itself. About seven o'clock the rival crews pulled gently down to the start- ing-place, about two miles below Henley bridge, distinguished by their colours. Oxford sported true blue ; Cambridge; pink ; and every thing was arranged by the umpires in a quiet, gentle- manly way, without any wrangling. There was a toss for choice of sides, which was won by the Cambridge men ; and of course they chose the bank on their bows, as the river forms a rather sharp curve to the left, between the locks and the town. There was to be no fouling, and the victory was to belong to the party who passed first under the bridge. "■ Just before the start every inch of ground that could command a view of the river on either side was occupied by gazers of all sorts and sizes — lords and ladies, Jans and Jinnies, saints and sinners, cockneys and country bumpkins — it was 102 PETER PRIGGINS. an universal holiday in that part of the world ; and Miss Martineau might have applied her preventive check, without any fear of " restrain- ing the population" upon this occasion. " The Oxford boat belonged to Baliol Coll., built by Davis and King ; the Cambridge was a bran-new turn out of Serle's, and one of the neatest I ever saw : though it struck me, when I examined her on shore as she was being greased, that she was too crank for the crew that were to pull in her — all men of weight and inches ; per- haps two finer crews were never seen ; but our men were rather the longer and lighter in their corpuscula of the two. *' At eight o'clock precisely, the order was given for ' Up with your oars ; ' and in two minutes, at the word ' Off,' they dropped them in beautifully — as one man ; but a cry of False start,"* owing to some little dispute about the exact distance from blade to blade, caused them to backwater, and prepare again. In five mi- nutes the referees made all right, and ' Off she goes,' was again cried. Away they went ! and before they got three hundred yards, my expe- PETER PRIGGINS. lOS rienced eye could see that my conjecture about the London boat was quite correct. She dipped in the bows every stroke, as if they were going to pull her under water, and rocked fearfully until they got into good time. The short stroke too, with the back quite straight, and the arms doing all the work, would not do on smooth water, compared with the long pull through the water, and quick feather out of it, of the Oxford men, who gained rapidly upon, and soon passed their rivals, taking the inside place. I was close upon them both, and could hear the steady cry of the steersman, ' Go it, my blues — beautifully pulled ! — three minutes more, and your work's done -they lose ground (water he meant) every moment — steady ! — no hurry — keep the old stroke ! — backs down on the thwarts,' from the Oxford boat ; and the ' By George, we're beaten ! — quicken your stroke — don't you go back so, you No. 3 — pull for Heaven's sake ! ' of the Cambridge. " I pulled up about a quarter of a mile from the bridge, being quite satisfied how it was o-oing, and thoroughly blown from the speed and 104 PETER PRIGGINS. nature of my exertions ; for no one, who has not tried it, knows what ' running up' with an eight- oar means. The snobs were wofully taken to that day, being shoved, unreservedly, some into the river, others into ditches by the more aufait Oxonians. " A tremendous shout, and the striking up of the church bells, proclaimed the victory was won by the Oxford men, with one hundred yards to spare ! ! ! I jumped into a punt with poor Stephen, and, by dint of his superior general- ship, got on the opposite bank in time to see our crew land ; and the best proof of their excellent condition was, that not one man was so dis- tressed as to be obliged to be helped out of the boat. Our opponents came in rather more dis- tressed, but still not much the matter. Such a shouting was still going on, that it was impos- sible to hear anything said, until Stephen thun- dered out, ' Now, my true blues ! as much porter as you like ! ' And I heard one of the victors say, as he set an emptied quart-cup on the table at Mrs. Dixon's, ' If nectar did not mean Lon- don porter, he did not know what did.' PETER PRIGGINS. 105 " You, who have been so often at such scenes on the banks of Isis, will easily imagine the whole affair ; nor will you require me to describe the supper given by the vanquished to the, con- querors — the compliments mutually given and received — the toasts drank — and last, though by no means ledst, the quantity and quality of liquids absorbed. More unflinching candi- dates for the favour of father Bacchus never drained Cyathi, Nor were the muses neglected — ' Nine times nine ' was the cry of the night ! I shall finish my letter by recording the final adventures of our partie carr^e. " As for myself, I had an invitation to take coffee, at the house of my friend whom I have mentioned before as the procurer of our nag's temporary domiciLs, and being a little bit of a vocalist, passed two or three pleasant hours standing over a pianoforte and a very fine girl, to whom I was well contented to sing second. However, when ten o'clock arrived, I tore my- self away from my fair chantress, or enchantress, whichever you pl?ase to call her, in order to get Dick, Tripes, and Solomon ready to start — foi V 5 106 PETER PRIGGINS. we had promised the Dean not to be later than twelve o'clock. This, however, I found to be no easy matter, and returned to my friend's house after half an hour's vain search, to consult him on the best means of getting out of my difficul- ties. One of the parties relieved me speedily, if not pleasantly. Just fancy my horror on hearing a scuffling sort of noise at the door of the drawing-room, which was filled with com- pan}^, and, ^eeing my friend Tripes very bosky, holding on by the doorpost on either side, and in a husky hiccupping tone requesting to be in- formed ' if our drag was at the Bell or the Bull ? — the Bull or the Bell?' adding, for the infor- mation of the ladies, that ' he'd tried every tap in the tc^wn, and never tasted such very bad beer in all his life.' I ran at him vicious, and carried him vi et armis, with my friend's as- sistance, in spite of his spiteful kicks and bites, into the stable-yard, where we laid him on a truss of straw, and sponged his head with cold pump-water, which soon had the desired effect. On his recovery he laid it all to the beer being brewer's trash, and requested to taste my friend's PETER PRIGGINS. 107 private tap, assuring him half a pint would be the making of hini. My expostulations were useless ; and, while my host was gone to give the necessary, or rather unnecessary orders, he entertained me with a discussion on the merits of a large two-handed pump, down Charter- house, and its wonderful efficacy in remedying the effects of Red Cow — ' pumps up ten gallons a minute, and as cold as ice — hiccup ! — never knew it fail !' " I got him safe to the Bell at last, and locked him in with Woodpecker and old Peter, giving the ostler strict charge not to supply him with any liquids but water. Then T proceeded on another voyage of discovery, and arrived at the White Hart just in time to see Will start with about half his cargo. With his usual judgment he had stowed the soberest men outside ; the very drunken ones, seven in number, were com- pressed inside with the doors screwed up to pre- vent their opening them, and tumbling out on the road, and the windows nailed down for fear they should cut themselves with the glasses. No objection was made to these arrangrements, for 108 PETER PRIGGINS. none of the seven could articulate. When, how- ever, he proceeded to strap three or four half bosky men to the roof of the coach, so firm and strong a resistance was made, that he found it necessary to borrow three of Bowling's kicking- straps, and a pair of darbies {i. vas only the other day, as I was kindly informing a young gentleman, whose allowance from his father, a country clergyman with a large family, is £200 per annum, that 128 PETER PRIGGINS, twelve pair of buckskins, and six of top-boots, was rather too large an order for a man of his income, when, instead of receiving the hint as it was meant, he threatened to " knock a hole right through me," and called me a " meddling old ass." I have even been subjected to the disagreeable operation of having the beer I have been drinking jerked violently over my face and white tie, and pins stuck into the calves of my legs, which are decidedly large for so old a man, to ascertain that they were not sham. On this account I do not visit the undergra- duates' rooms so often as formerly ; but I still frequent the common-room, where my son is acting as my successor, '^filius tali pair e dignus" and offer my assistance, as deputy corkscrew, when strangers assemble thickly ; though, like all young men, he fancies he can do very well without me. By the senior members I am received with the same benignity as ever, though there is a very great difference to be found in the common room now to what it was formerly — less sociability and an assumption of superior sanctity by men who PETER PRIGGINS. 129 — but I never did split, and I won't do so now — only I could show that some very bad saints are manufactured out of very good sinners. I often smile as I stand behind the screen in the com- mon room (very handy things those screens are) and hear some of the hardest drinkers in their undergraduate days speaking with pious enthu- siasm of the decrease of inebriety, and attributing it to their precepts and example, instead of to the introduction of light continental wines and late dinners. In my younger days, the men used to dine at three o'clock, and had little or nothing to do but drink until six o'clock, and then sally out to the coffee-house, kick up a row in the streets, and home to broiled bones and mush- rooms at nine ; ending the night with bishop, cardinal, and egg-flip. Coffee-houses are now annihilated, and six o'clock dinners and claret are seldom followed by suppers. There is also much better accom- modation for evening walks round Oxford than there had used to be, which will account for less drinking ; but the members of the hand-in-hand club, as the supersancti have been properly de- g5 130 PETER PRIGGINS. nominated, are very much mistaken if they fancy that there are not men now as gay and jovial as they were once themselves. Great allowances are to be made for young men in the heyday of their youth, and just freed from the restraint of school, with the command of a little ready money and unlimited credit. While boys, they fancy themselves men (for many enter at fifteen), and rush into indul- gences and extravagances, which they would not do if they were a little older. The system of cramming them too much at schools, so as to leave little or nothing to be done at college (ex- cept they read for a class, which not one in fifty does if he be a man of property m prospectu), gives them a great deal of spare time which must be filled up somehow ; and how it is filled up, those who have known Oxford longest know best. One of the many humorous scenes of by-gone days, which crowd rhy memory, now occurs to me. I shall describe it and call it, MR. SINGI.KTON SLIPSLOP's GREAT-GO PARTY. The hero of my tale, Mr. Singleton Slipslop, PETER PRIGGINS. 131 was of that species usually called " nice young men" — exceedingly effeminate in person, and over-particular in dress — showing a decided penchant for jewellery and fine clothes, with an inordinate taste for perfumery. He would have made a capital drag across country — even with the wind due north and a cloudless sky. There is an old adage, that, when there is but one child, there are sure to be three fools, and the truth of it was fully proved in the family of the Slipslops of Slop Hall, in the moist part of the county of Lincoln. Slipslop phre was a man of very retired habits, and of a studious turn of mind, seldom wishing to go out into society ; which w s fortunate, as the fens were not in his days remarkable for the practicability of their roads. He had never thought of a woman since his mother's death, much less of marrjnng one ; but the idea of taking unto him- self a wife was suggested to him by one of two circumstances — the reading of a treatise on " Polygamy among the Turks," in which were some lusciously-drawn descriptions of a harem, or a hint from his lawyer, Mr. Cute, that it was 132 PETER PRIGGINS. a pity so fine a landed property, though it was mostly under water, should go out of the male branch of the Slipslop family. Mr. Cute saw that the hint had been partly taken, and invited his wealthy client to visit him, and talk the matter over after a quiet dinner and glass of wine. They dined alone, and the sub- ject of conversation was renewed ; the lawyer giving several very glowing descriptions of the joys and delights of wedlock, which he was fully justified in doing, as he had been married for fifteen years, and his wife was dead. Though Slipslop's imagination was one of the damp gun- powder species, the match was so perseveringly applied by the lawyer, that it began to ignite ; and when once alight, blazed away like the devil — a gunpowder devil I mean. At this interesting moment the tea and cof- fee were introduced, and with them Miss Cathe- rine Cute, a young lady having sixteen years, with a pink and white face, and frock, and an irresistible bewitchingness in her pretty blue eyes. The bait was thrown at a judicious mo- ment ; Slipslop nibbled, and finally bit — though PETER PRIGGINS. 133 some said he was bitten. When young men or women marry persons older than themselves — for money, they are generally applauded for their prudence ; whereas their aged partners are called old fools for their pains. This I think wrong. A young man may find courage enough for a wife of any age ; but for an old man to marry an old woman is as bad as eating a boiled sucking-pig without salt. A man on the further side of fifty requires a condiment of some sort. Great were the rejoicings at Slop Hall amongst the guests who could wade thither, when Miss C. Cute became Mrs. Slipslop ; but still greater when Mr. Epicene, the man-midwife, announced the birth of, and parson Prattle, vicar of Slip- pery-cum-Sluppery (the parish in which Slop Hall was located), baptized, the hero of my tale and the heir of the entail, Mr. Singleton Slip- slop. Whether it was the surprise at finding him- self a real father, or the unwonted quantity of wine he drank to celebrate the event, which af- fected his health, I cannot say ; but the melan- 134 PETER PRIGGINS. choly fact is, that he died soon after, leaving Mrs. S. a widow, young, but not disconsolatey with ^6*4000 per annum, and Master Singleton a baby in longs, an orphan. Although the widow might, by the condi- tions of the will, wisely drawn up by her father, have married again without any diminution of her income, until her son came of age, she did not do so ; being, probably, doubtful whether a second marital would make his exit as speedily, or treat her as indulgently, as her first had done. It was not likely that a young gentleman, situated as Master Singleton was — an only child of his mother, and she a widow, and heir to four thousand a year, would easily escape being spoiled, crammed, and physicked. The tame rabbit-keeping and nursery-governess system was successfully persevered in until he reached his fourteenth year ; when old lawyer Cute, thinking it a very swell thing to talk of " my grandson at Eton," resolutely insisted on send- ing him to that royal establishment, to the joy of the son, who had visions of noble playfellows before his eyes, and the consternation of his PETER PRIGGINS. 135 mother, who had some doubts in her mind as to improvement of his morals resulting from such associations. Grandpere was inflexible, and away went poor Singleton in a carriage and four with the old butler and mamma's blessing, his pockets full of money, his eyes of tears, his boxes of nice new clothes, cakes, toys, jams, and jellies. A week had scarcely elapsed, when his anxious mother received a letter sealed with a bit of chewed bread, bearing upon it the mark of the Eton post, and some very dirty fingers. She opened it hastily and easily, and the contents were very satisfactory, as the reader will see. " My dear Mamma, " I can't stay here, and I won't stay here, and if you don't fetch me away, Pll run away. As soon as old Corkscrew, the butler, had left me at the dame's house, I was shoved into a field among five hundred of the rudest and naughtiest boys you ever saw. They called me spoony, and green, and all sorts of names, and knocked me about, and kicked me till I cried, and then they 136 PETER PRIGGINS. kicked me for crying ; that I should not care so much about, but they got and eat all my cakes and sweetmeats, broke all my toys, burnt a great hole in my best white jean trousers with a red-hot poker, pulled all the basket buttons off my sky- blue jacket, and chucked my new hat up into a high elm, where it is still. I have to get up at 5 o'clock every morning, clean my master's shoes and boots, knives and forks, make his breakfast, and go without my own. I have not had a mouthful of dinner since I came. My linen is all torn, and I've got two black eyes and a swelled nose, and I would have run home before now, only I've got no money left — the ten guineas you gave me being spent to pay for my footing at the Christopher, and a new barber's pole which another boy stole, and swore it was me. If you don't send for me to-morrow I shall drown myself — I've looked out a nice deep hole on purpose. How are my rabbits ? " Your affectionate unhappy son, " Singleton Slipslop. " P.S. I have not got a wafer, nor a half- PETER PRIGGINS. 137 penny to buy one with ; I must therefore use the Etonian succedaneum. " Mrs. Slipslop, Slop Hall, Lincolnshire." The receipt of this affecting epistle threw Mrs. Slipslop into violent hysterics, wiiich were succeeded by a fixed determination to prevent the " horrid suicide" of her son, by sending Mr. Corkscrew off to fetch him home at a minute's notice. When he arrived at Eton, he found his young master, but could scarcely recognise him ; for, in addition to the ill-treatment indicated in his letter, he had been soundly thrashed for daring to write home to his mother — a fact which his most intimate friend had under a pro- mise of secrecy disclosed to the whole school — and his countenance was a facsimile of a map of England with the counties distinguished by different colours, his tears doing for the rivers. Grandpere was vexed and indignant at the failure of his favourite project, but withdrew his opposition to his removal from Eton, upon hear- ing his grandson describe, without exaggeration 138 PETER PRIGGINS. or embellishment, the benefits of the fagging system, and the judicious means adopted for rendering gentlemen's sons fully capable of judging of the qualities of their valets, by making them practically acquainted with the duties expected of gentlemen in that " sitiva- tion." Singleton's education, however, was not to be neglected ; as the future master of Slipslop Hall, if not an M.P., would of course be a J.P. — an office which requires a great deal of learn- ing and much study, as any one who frequents the courts of quarter-sessions will readily allow, A private tutor, or as they call such things in Oxford — a private coach (I presume from the fact of their having a drag upon them in their journey through life) was adopted as b. pis aller, and the rector was requested by Mr. Cute to come and play a game of cribbage and recom- mend a proper person as a tutor. The invitation was accepted of course, for the cellars of Slipslop Hall were well filled, and the contents of the respective bins well known to the worthy clerical. The cards and cribbage- PETER PRIGGINS. 139 board were produced, and a strangely-mingled discourse ensued, on the subject of tricks and trumps, tutors and testimonials, pegs and pro- ficiency. " My deal," cried the rector, lifting the pack with one hand, and his glass of old East-India with the other, " and I'll bet a shilling on the rubber ; but as I was saying, my young friend, Mr. Shanks of Corpus, is just the man to suit you ; he is of high standing — fifteen two — where's my peg ? — in his college, and has taken honours — there's the king — in the university ; he will get Singleton on very fast — two for his heels — and they will agree admirably — two for that pair — and I am sure Mrs. Slipslop will not hesitate to reward his services, for she has — a flush of diamonds — sense enough to appreciate — my crib — his merits ; so I'll write to him on that head — two for his nob — and I've no doubt he'll see that — it's my game — he can't do better than take — the odds on the rubber, five to two —our offer." The result of this strange mixture of paste- board and classical honours was, that the Reve- 140 PETER PRIGGINS. rend Nathan Shanks, of Corpus, condescended to exchange the dulness of his college rooms, and the precarious income arising from cram- ming undergraduates, for a suite of cheerful rooms at the Hall, and four hundred a year, with the prospect of succeeding the present in- cumbent in the rectory of Slippery-cum-Sloppery; a sacrifice on his part that justified the laudations he did not fail daily to bestow upon the son in the hearing of the lady-mother. Mr. Shanks, in addition to a considerable portion of talent and great application, which had insured him one prize and a " double first," was possessed of more cunning — worldly wisdom is the more elegant term — than is generally dis- coverable in gentlemen who " waste the mid- night oil" in searching for deeply-buried Greek roots, and assigning doubtful dates to still more doubtful historical events. He did not, there- fore, irritate his pupil by working him too hard, nor his mother by bringing the " lily-hue of study" on her son by much confinement — the consequence was he became a favourite with both, and enjoyed more license and more com- PETER PRIGGINS. 141 forts than generally fall to the lot of that en- viable and useful class of men. "Enviable?"" cries out some one in amazement, "what can you mean?" Just let him try the "situ- ation of private tutor in a nobleman or gentle- man's family" for one month, and he will readily discover my meaning. I, Peter Priggins, have known many a high spirit crushed and many a noble heart broken by the experiment— but this is in a parenthesis. When his seventeenth birthday arrived, Mr. Singleton was pronounced by his tutor as quite fitted by age and accomplishments to enter and reside at Oxford. He could, by the help of cribbs, translate three or four Latin and Greek books into very intelligible (to his tutor) English — do a copy of Hexameter verses by the aid of his gradus, and turn the psalms into elegant Elegiacs, though the phrase omnipotente manu occurred in every other line, varied now and then, to prevent the cutting off of the initial vowel by its fraternal expression ccslipotente. He had also encouraged his talent for English poetry, and received praise and a ten pound note from his 142 PETER PRIGGINS. grandfather for a poem on the death of General Wolfe, which commenced thus : " Brave General Wolf! uncommon brave ! ! particular ! ! ! Who for our sakes climb'd rocks quite perpendicular !" How it ended I don't recollect — but in a style quite as deserving of the notes of admiration as of the note of the Bank of England with which his effort was rewarded. Mr. Shanks established his pupil as a gen- tleman-commoner in comfortable rooms at St. Peter's, and himself in snug lodgings conveniently- adjacent ; and Mr. Singleton proceeded to show his taste by furnishing his apartments in such a style as a man of ut," interfered Singleton, " what men will you invite ? I think I ought to know that ; I'm not going to sit down to feed with every body. I don't know a man out of our own set." " Pray, my dear Singleton, sit down, and don't be fussy — / know every body. The read- ing men are greater spoonies than yourself, and won't come; the saints will hypocricize for a while, but will all come eventually, and get very drunk ; the reprobates will not hesitate a mo- ment." " So then," cried Slipslop, " I shall be ex- 152 PETER PRIGGINS. pected to exceed myself — get tipsy overnight, and be very sick and ill in the morning. I would rather — "" '' My dear fellow," said Spunge, " pray do not go on so, you have made me spell Smythe's name with an i, an offence he never forgives." The cards were written, and thirty men in- vited in this form : — " Wine with me, Thursday, at 6. — Singleton Slipslop."" The inviter, finding all opposition useless, called to me with his usual '■^ Petarrh!' To which in a rage, at his nasty effeminate way of pronouncing my name, I rephed " Sarrh ?" " I am going to have a few friends on Thursday; lay for thirty. Port and sherry — plain dessert — no ices — no champagne — no claret — coffee at eight, and no supper." " Bishop or cardinal — egg-flip or punch?" " Neither, Petarrh ; we shall retire early." " Leave all that to me, Peter," said Mr. Spunge ; " Mr. Slipslop is unused to such par- ties." " But I insist—" " On having a good party, and doing the cor- PETER PRIGGINS. 153 rect thing. Now take a quiet turn in your buggy, and Peter and I will settle all in a few seconds," observed Mr. Spunge, as he delibe- rately turned the donor of the feast out of his own rooms, and turning round to nie with per- fect nonchalance y said " Peter, I mean to have a lark. Take these cards, and see they are de- livered. Go to Mr. Pastyface, the confectioner, and order a good dessert for thirty, with lots of ices, to be sent in regularly every half-hour, all the evening; then to Mr. Crusty, the wine- merchant — the Slipslop w.ine is too good to waste on every body, and order one dozen sherry, four dozen port, strong and hot, and two six-dozen cases of claret, well brandied — I mean every man to be drunk. Take care that the cook has an exceedingly nice supper ready at nine. — Broiled chickens, bones of all sorts, lobster salads, de- villed kidneys — every thing in short that he can get. You, yourself, Peter, will make with your usual skill ten jugs of bishop, ten of cardinal, ten of egg-flip or punch — let there be plenty of cigars, and plenty of malt at supper — I mean the men to be drunk. Order no wheelbarrows^ h5 154 PETER PRIGGINS. from the Star, as I limit the invites to in-college men." I willingly obeyed, as I liked a little mis- chief", and foresaw a few perquisites. The memorable Thursday arrived, and with it all the guests ; some of whom had never been introduced or spoken to their entertainer in their lives. Mr. Slipslop was of course the president, and Mr. Spunge, by self-election, his vice, who took care that the nulli secundi should be mixed up heterogeneously with the company, and not, as they intended,. packed up by themselves. Knock after knock, and " come in " after " come in," soon filled the tables ; and Mr. Sin- gleton Slipslop arose, and with dignity proposed, " Church and King,'' which went off very quietly. He seemed disposed to linger before he gave an- other toast, when an impudent dog, who had never spoken to him in his life, called out, " I say, old fellow, this is cursed slow — let's have the ' Rest of the Royal Family' — get rid of the nobility, and begin the evening." Mr. Slipslop looked to his vice for s\ mpathy in his disgust, but Mr. Spunge " begged to PETER PRIGGINS. 155 second the motion ; " and " Peter," said he, " place a bottle of claret before every gentleman — passing the wine heats it. Those who prefer porting it, may port it ; and, gentlemen, I beg to propose that every man knocks the handle off his glass — then bumpers and no taps." " Hurrah ! Bravo !" and sundry other noises indicated assent, and " dicto citius," every glass was denuded of its stand-upon by a smart rap from the handle of a knife. Mr. Slipslop was the last to follow the example set him by his friend ; but, seeing all oppobition useless, screwed up his courage, and smashed his crystal. " Bumpers, gentlemen, if you please," called out Mr. Spunge. " Now that weVe shown our loyalty, I'll give you a toast, ' The Ladies,' with nine times nine." Then commenced the usual indications of delight. Cries of all sorts — who-hoops ! — hurrahs ! and screams — the rattling of glasses, plates, knives, forks, and spoons — the thumping of fists on the table, till every dish, plate, and jug, seemed in convulsions, and " one cheer more," 156 PETER PRIGGINS. made the windows and doors shake in their sockets. " And next, gentlemen, with permis- sion from the chairman, I give you — (there's wine left in your glass, Smythe — off with it), another bumper toast — fill up (there''s daylight in your glass, Smythe — it won't do — I'll have no shirking) — Gentlemen, I beg to propose the health of a man who has done honour to himself and the college, by inviting us all here to-day, to celebrate the passing of his great-go. (Hear ! hear ! hear !) Gentlemen, I've known him in- timately all his college life ; and though some of you may fancy him rather slow, I know enough of him to assure you, you cannot drink his wine fast enough. I'll not detain you, gentlemen, from the excellent fare provided for you ; but give you, Mr. Singleton Slipslop's good health, with the due honours." This toast, of course, called forth a repe- tition of all the former noises : but with a pro- longation of them intended to recompense the liberality of the entertainment. Mr. Slipslop's amour propre was gratified — his eyes sparkled as he rose and filled a bumper, PETER PRIGGINS. 157 and, bowing gracefully to the company, said, " I've no hesitation in saying, gentlemen, that I — I — I — I've no hesitation, gentlemen, in say- mg— " What a lie ! " cried Smythe, half sotto voce. " That I — I — I — am very glad to see you." And down he sat, having achieved more than he had ever done before in his life. "Now," said. Mr. Spunge, "we'll have a song — who'll begin .?" " Smythe, Smythe, Smythe ! " was the gene- ral cry. " Really," replied Smythe, " I should be very happy, but I've got a bad cold." " From smoking a damp cigar, I suppose ?" cried little Mr. Brown. " Omnibus hoc vitium est cantoribus ," « A fine ! a fine !" *' Well," said Mr. Brown, " I only wish all my fines could be paid the same way — nunc gloria claret." " Another fine ! another fine !" '* That's rather too bad — but here goes." 158 PETER PRIGGINS. And Mr. Brown, having absorbed two extra bumpers, sat down ; and Mr. Smythe pretend- ing to cough up something which was not in his throat, began with a very comic expression of face, " On the Banks of Allan Water," but was interrupted with loud cries of " That's senti- mental, — d — n sentimental — let's have a comic song — All round my hat — If I had a donkey — May-day in the morning, &c. &c. &c. Poor Smythe in vain tried another senti- mental — it would not do. " Take a little rosin" cried Brown, pouring a bumper of wine into his glass. '* -t^uf fitv 'afnTTov, Pindar says, but he's a liar." Brown was fined again, and Mr. Smythe sung in excellent style something about a femi- nine donkey that had a masculine child, that was brought up under Mr. Martin's act for get- ting up a ladder, wliich seemed to give great satisfaction. " Mr. Smythe and his song — hurrah ! hur- rah ! " and the noise grew louder and more furious. Mr. Smythe returned thanks, and called on PETER PRIGGINS. 159 Mr. Singleton Slipslop for a song and a glass of vanille ice. With the latter request the host immedi- ately complied, but positively declined the for- mer. " Then," said his vice, " you must tell a story, make a speech, or drink a tumbler of wine." Mr. Slipslop could only perform the last feat, and that with a very bad grace, as the wine began to get very nauseous, and the olives — which fashion had induced him to try to swallow — did not operate as a composer to his stomach ; he bolted the dose, however, with such a wry face as to produce more fun among his friends than any song or story could have done. He was informed that, like the saints, he " had a call," and he called on Mr. Spunge, by way of paying him off, as he thought : but Mr. Spunge immediately answered the call, by sing- ing an exceedingly good song — about the adven- tures of three flies — exceedingly well. Then Mr. Spunge 's health was drunk, and 160 PETER PRIGGINS. SO great was the zeal displayed, that, to Single- ton's horror, every man, in addition to shouting and screeching, dug his knife as deep as he could, by repeated chops, into the well-polished maho- gany table. Other songs succeeded, though many of the singers wanted voice and ear, and some knew tunes but no words, and others the words but no tunes. Then began some pleasant practical jokes, such as pelting each other with straw- berries, nuts, and olives ; putting large dabs of ice down one man's back, and pouring a glass of claret into another man's white sit-upons' pocket, with other little innocent divertimentos, such as withdrawing his chair when a gentleman got up to make a speech, and causing him to " come down with a run." Upsetting the sofa and the four occupants, which caused the back to part company from the legs and seat ; then of course the squabs and pillows were hurled about in all directions, smashing bottles, glasses, and plates, the chandeliers, and French lamps. Poor Singleton, whose eyes were almost too glazy to discern what was going on, saw that his PETER PRIGGINS. 161 delicate carpet was ruined for ever, as rivers of wine were flowing over it, meandering between islands of crushed strawberries, squashed oranges, and rapidly-melting lumps of iced creams; he rose with great difficulty, and, holding on by both arms of his chair, begged and prayed the gentlemen to " behave as sich," but was immediately knocked down by a well-aimed tipsy-cake — the gravy and almonds with which it was besmeared and studded leaving his countenance the exact model of a " chicken in white sauce and mushrooms.'" Just as he had scooped the liquid out of his eyes with difficulty, to ascertain by whose hands the missile had been hurled, and was about to vent his indignation at the indignity in very strong language, Mr. Spunge stopped the flow of elo- quence by throwing himself back in his chair, and applying both feet with a sudden jerk to the end of the table. The consequence was, that Mr, Slip- slop fell backwards under the grate, overwhelmed with the whole dessert, ices, and wines ; then, of course, there was a general row — tables, chairs, books, and men were heaped in pyramids upon the fallen host — coat-tails were torn off — caps 162 PETER PRIGGINS. and gowns broken and torn to ribbons — one gen- tleman amused himself by thrusting a foil through the pictures, another by playing very much out of tune on a keyed bugle — a third accompanying him on the poker and tongs. At last, loud cries of " Shame ! Shame ! Too bad ! Pull him out !" induced Mr. Spunge to restore the table to its proper place, and to dig Mr. Slipslop out of his tumulus. He was resurrectionized more dead than alive ! Some were alarmed, but Mr. Spunge untied his neckcloth, unbuttoned his shirt-collar, and with the help of two or three of the soberest carried him to his bedroom, where they peeled him and put him into bed — but not by himself — for there lay his tiger, who had been missing for some time, in a worse state than his master, in consequence of having emptied the bottoms of some five or six dozen of claret-bottles. In went poor Singleton with his servant, Mr. Spunge ensuring the comforts of both, by diligently cutting off the bristles of all the hair and clothes'-brushes he could find with a razor, and strewing them in the bed, and then emptying the contents of two ewers of water over their PETER PRIGGINS. 163 heads and faces. But the unkindest cut of all was shaving off one of Mr. Singleton''s whiskers and the corresponding eyebrow, of whose well- cultivated beauties he was deeply enamoured ; the deficiency being charitably made good by the aid of burnt cork and tallow-grease. As his partiality for perfumes was well known, the counterpane was thoroughly soaked with eau-de- Cologne, esprit-de-lavande, bouquet-du-roi, and other delicate distillations. On his return to the party, Mr. Spunge found several men, especially the nulli^ in a very bad way ; so a procession was formed, and every drunken man was carried by four staggering half-drunken men first round the quadrangle — Brown playing " The Dead March in Saul," on the keyed bugle, accompanied, obliyato, by Smythe on a tin trumpet — and then to their re- spective beds, where, of course, burnt cork and red paint were properly applied, and the position of the bedsteads changed, to ensure their not knowing their own faces or their whereabouts when they awoke in the morning. The procession was then re-formed, and re- 164 PETER PRIGGINS. turned to the tune of " Oh, dear! what can the matter be ?" and, in passing under the window of the vice-prineipars rooms, was stopped to give three groans in honour of that individual, who was not a very popular character in col- lege. He was a very passionate, but a very pru- dent person. His rage would have led him to rush from his rooms and inflict summary justice on the offenders ; but his prudence induced him to send for the porter, and order him to take down their names, and inquire in \yhose rooms the row originated. " Mr. Slipslop, sir, giving his great-go party,"" replied the college Cerberus. '* Then go to his rooms, and desire him to call on me to-morrow morning, and tell all the gentlemen to go to their rooms directly, and to call on me to-morrow morning also." Cerberus proceeded to execute his commis- sion ; but Mr. Spunge, who suspected his errand, was hostile, sported oak, and, mounting the win- dow-sill, cut into him, through the open stair- case-window, with a tandem-whip, until he PETER PRIGGINS. 165 danced and bellowed with the pain, and was finally forced to beat a retreat. " Bravo ! hurrah !" cried all. " What shall we do till supper- time ?" " Let us go to the Star," said Mr. Spunge, " and hear the harper." This was agreed upon ; but just as they were starting, poor Mr. Brown, from his exer- tions in playing the bugle, and from his having been fined for talking in unknown tongues — was getting very tipsy and obstreperous. He hiccupped a positive resolution not to go to the Star, as the barmaid had boxed his ears the night before, and hinted that he had an assas- sination — as he would insist on calling an assig- nation — with some very pretty girl somewhere or other. Mr. Spunge suggested to Mr. Smythe, whose performances on the tin horn had reduced him to much the same state as his brother musician, that the young lady in question was his, Mr. Smythe's, ch^re amie, and told him he was surprised he put up with such treatment so coolly. Upon this, Mr. Smythe got very hot, and a regular quarrel ensued, which, by the 166 PETER PRIGGINS. judicious instigation of the bystanders, ended in a regular fight, attended by no very serious results, beyond making the principals perfectly insensible. Mr. Spunge, therefore, took Mr. Slipslop's best beaver, and, after dipping the crown in some lamp- oil, rubbed it against the chimney-back, and then against Messrs. Smythe and Brown's faces, preparing them for the character of Othello; he next dipped Mr. Slipslop's silver-handled shaving-brush into an inkstand, and made a luxurious lather in the elegant silver soap-dish, with which he prepared both their heads for the process of shaving ; he contented himself, how- ever, with sawing, or chopping off the hair upon the back part of their heads only, so that when they looked in the glass they should not be able to detect the trick that had been played them. The plot succeeded, for they walked into chapel next morning, to the great amusement of the men, and horror of the dean, with their faces only half denuded of the soot and oil, and the rear of their heads resembling a worn-out hair- trunk. They were put into bed for the night, PETER PRIGGINS. 167 with Mr. Slipslop and his tiger, with their heads where their feet ought to have been, to give them more roomy accommodation. Mr. Spunge and the rest of the party, now reduced to fourteen or fifteen, then sallied out of college, and fortunately met Mr. Pastyface, the confectioner's man, bearing a large tray of coffee and toast to a party of reading men. The weight was so great as to require the aid of both his hands to carry it ; instead, therefore, of taking off liis hat as usual, he was forced to show his respect by only bowing as they passed. At this Mr. Spunge pretended to take offence, and after abusing the poor man, took his hat off /or him, and kicked it into the gutter. Of course, in endeavouring to regain it, it was necessary the tray should be deposited on the ground, and as soon as that was done, and before he could re- cover from his stooping posture, a judicious application of Mr. Spunge's foot sent him head first among the coffee-pots and toast-dishes, the contents of the former scalding his face and hands, and the latter rendering his dirty jacket more offensively greasy than it was before. 168 PETER PRIGGINS. The man himself did not complain, for he was used to such things, and knew that he should be well paid for his scaldings on the morrow ; but the passers-by expressed their indignation by cries of " Shame !" ''Don't stand it !" " Knock them down !" And one gentleman, more zealous than the rest, ventured to assist the tart-man to rise, but quickly found himself seated by his side in the middle of the tray and boiling coffee. This of course led to a row, and the row to a fight, which would probably have terminated in a town and gown battle, as numbers were col- lecting at the well-known war-cry, had not the proctor, with two bull-dogs — as his assistants are called — and the marshal, made their appearance at the corner of the street. The effect upon the inimical parties was much the same as the en- trance of a dog into a field upon a flock of sheep : they first stood still to gaze upon the common enemy, and then turned and ran away as fast as they could. The proctor only caught one unhappy towns- man, who was too busily engaged in looking about for his two front teeth to see his approach, PETER PRIGGINS. 169 but sent the bull-dogs and the marshal in pur- suit. The latter marked out Mr. Spunge from his quarry, and away they went down High- street, Derby pace, upsetting several inoffensive pedestrians in their way. Both were swift of foot, but the marshal ran cunning, and would have caught his man, had not he slipped up in trying to turn the corner by the physic-gardens, which gave Mr. Spunge so much the advantage that he was in Christ Church meadow, and into Davis's punt and across into St. Aldate's, before the official had finished manipulating the part of his person most injured by the fall. The bull-dogs were completely thrown out, and my party returned in safety to college and supper at nine — by availing themselves of the sinuosities of sundry lanes and alleys, managing to collect, in their passage, nine knockers, four bell-pulls, and an old lady's bonnet, something the worse for wear. Mr. Spunge took the president's chair, and great were the dilapidations caused to the viands, for wine always makes men hungry. Still, as the supper was laid for thirty, and only fourteen VOL. I. 1 170 PETER PRIGGINS. sat down to it, I managed to collect sufficient to remunerate me for my trouble. After supper, I put the " nightcaps" on the table; and after some gallons had been consumed, and the same songs sung over again, I put all the men to bed except Mr. Spunge, who had absorbing qualities of so high a character as never to be what is termed " the worse for liquor." The only unpleasant incident that occurred during the consumption of my compounds, arose from an Irish gentleman breaking a bowl of punch upon a man's head, and threatening to call him out for objecting to lime-juice. Mr. Spunge put an end to his remarks, however, by throwing a glass of very hot egg-flip into his capacious mouth, and turning him out of the room, while the agony caused by the adhesive application rendered him incapable of resistance. On the following morning, on my coming into college, I found Mr, Slipslop nearly naked, thrashing his tiger with a bootjack — not for getting drunk, but for daring to sleep with him, and laughing at his absent whisker and eye- brow. PETER PRIGGINS. 171 " Petarrh," said he, " see this beast outside of college and a coach — pay his wages and his fare, and nonsuit him of his livery ; then take my compliments to the vice-principal, and say I am going down into the country." " I beg pardon, sarrh," cried I, " but Mr. Spunge said you wasn't to move out without his leave." "Mr. Spunge be " " And the vice-principal, sarrh, has sent his compliments to say, you must call on him as soon as you can." " But how can I go this figure ?" " He really did look very unpresentable j but by dint of shaving off the other whisker — in attempting which he cut his face three times, being very nervous, and putting a small green verandah over his damaged eyebrow, he mus- tered courage to venture out. In passing through his room, the scene of the last night's debauch — either the sight of his damaged " fur- niture and other effects," or the odour of " spiri- tuous liquors and compounds," which had not yet ceased to exist, caused him to hurry into the i2 172 PETER PRIGGINS. open air with greater agility than I had ever seen him display before. Mr. Spunge met him at the foot of the staircase ; and, after assuring him of his regret at not being able to prevent Messrs. Smythe and Brown acting as decapillaries upon his whisker and eyebrow, insisted on going to the vice-prin- cipal's with him, and taking the blame of all that had occurred upon himself. This he did in the most gentlemanly and courageous manner, knowing that that functionary would not ven- ture to punish the only honourable he had in college. Mr. Slipslip got off with a severe reprimand and a bihous fever ; and Mr. Spunge was libe- rated after a short lecture, ending with " My compliments to Lord Spendall, your honourable father, when you write home." So ended Mr. Singleton Slipslop's great-go party. PETER PRIGGINS. 173 CHAPTER V. I HATE shaving, or being shaved ; it's a dis- agreeable operation, admitting only of the alter- native of cutting yourself, or being cut by some one else ; and no man likes to be cm/, either ac- tually or metaphorically. Then the temporary obscuration of three- fourths of one's face by a mass of soapsuds is unpleasant ; for no one, even a schoolboy, likes to be lathered. The mowing process is certainly the most objectionable, parti- cularly when one's countenance, like Esau's, the founder of the sect called hairy'uns, bears such a harvest as to require being laid in swarthes, like a grass-field with a heavy crop upon it. It is not pleasant either to have one's nose made a handle of by the operator, and to twist one's facial muscles into positions both ludicrous and painful. But however disagreeable the opera- 174 PETER PRIGGINS. tion is, it is one which both fashion and cleanli- ness require ; and if a man cannot perform upon himself, like a self-acting pianoforte, he must employ a substitute, however discordant it may be to his feelings. Every college has, as part and parcel of its establishment, an officer called a tonsor, who, like the chest of drawers in the Deserted Village, has " a double debt to pay," being not only re- quired at any moment to respond to the call of " one hair cut and curled," (as Mr. Keeley says in the farce called the " Burlington Arcade ") or " one gentleman to be shaved," but also to procure a supply of servitors and bible-clerks, sub rosa, who are able and willing, in order to increase their very limited allowances, to do im- positions and college exercises for those who are unable or unwilling to do them for themselves. This is now the most profitable part of their profession, as they get a prettier per-centage from the inside of their employes heads, than they do from the outside of those of their em- ployers — at least, since the expulsion of pigtails, powder, and pomatum. PETER PRIGGINS. 175 Mr. Chops, the tonsor of St. Peter's, kindly operates half-price on the college servants, and I gladly avail myself of his services, as I am too nervous to look myself in the face with an edged tool in my hand, ever since, in my first attempt to remove a few sprouting signs of manhood, I mowed oflP not only the crop itself, but three inches and a half of the epidermis on w^hich it grew along with it. Mr. Chops makes me ner- vous sometimes, as he has acquired by constant practise, and at a considerable expense, that peculiar tremulousness of the hand which inva- riably follows "potations pottle-deep;" and when he has exceeded beyond his wont, " cut follows cut," as the broadsword- players say, in rapid succession, and all expostulations are speedily ended by a thrust of the soap- brush so near the region of eloquence, as to render it un- safe to " show one's teeth," so he can " cut and come again" with impunity. One thing, however, I must in justice state — he supplies styptics and sticking-plaster gratis. I have but little doubt in my own mind that Xenophon and the other Greeks of old, called 170 PETER PRIGGINSo their foreign foes o. /5«piSapoi from their profi- ciency in cutting, gashing, and drawing blood, and that thence the modern designation barber was derived ; though it must be allowed that the ancients had the advantage of us moderns, as they could and did return the compliment, which the rigidity of our laws will not permit us to do. We must "grin and bear it," as Mr. Polito used to assure the laughing hyena when he dis- turbed his slumbers by stirring him up with the long pole. A few mornings since, when Mr. Chops called to operate upon me, I felt that I was in danger of being mangled more unmercifully than usual, as he always indicates an addition to his habitual shakiness, by humming the tune of " Come where the aspens quiver^' to prepare his victim for his fate ; and this particular morning I shud- dered as I heard him harmonizing louder than usual, and ending with a prolonged shake upon the penultima of the last word as he opened my parlour- door. " M — m — mor — morning, Peter," said he, for he stammers most awfully. PETER PRIGGINS. 177 I politely returned his salutation, and with timorous fortitude submitted my bare throat to his Weapon. Tlie application of the brush was indicative of what was to follow 5 for the first thrust which he made at my chin lighted upon my nose, and then he flourished and ran as rapidly over the lineaments of my face as a harper, ignorant of his art, does over the strings of his instrument, seldom hitting the right chord, as Horace better expresses it : — " Qui chorda semper oberrat eadem." He then proceeded to strop his razor, and, to my surprise, succeeded in doing so without cut- ting his thumb off. He next seized me by the nose, and putting the high pressure upon his thumb and finger, in order to " hold on by," as the sailors say, applied the cold iron to my cheek with much the same sort of touch that a minia- ture-painter uses in putting in his background. Having cleared about three inches, and drawn blood in three places, he relinquished his hold to apply his styptic, and coolly observed : — " You've e — c — cotched it n — ni — nicely." I 5 178 PETER PRIGGINS. I could not speak, so I merely nodded to inti- matethat I felt the truth of his remark; but when he added, " In the p — p — apers," I threw a look interrogatory into my eyes which elicited this explanation. " Mrs. Ch — Ch — Ch— ops and my gals t— take in the p — p — enny p — p — eriodical of 1 — 1 — itterater and B — B — ell's Letters, and there's a cr — cr — itic (meaning critique, I presume) on your ' L — 1 — ife and T — t — imes' in this n — n — umber ; they 1 — lay it on p — pretty thick (here he renewed the application of the soap- brush) I can t — t — ell you, theyVe c — c — ut you up m — most inhumanely (a gash an inch long just under my nose;) they're sh — sh — arp pr — pr — actitioners, and don't se — seem to care for the f — f — eelings of no — body (two drops of styptic that burnt like caustic, and brought the tears into my eyes). I se — ee you f — f — eels it. You shall se — ee it when they Ve d — d — one with it in the b — ^b — uttery ; they 've w — wiped you down handsome;'" and he concluded his performances and remarks by removing the su- perfluous soapsuds with his napkin. PETER PRIGGINS. 179 1 put on my coat and a philosophical sneer, and positively declined reading " Mrs. Ch — Ch — op's ch — ch — eap publication." " Well, if you w — w — on't, good b — b — y," said Mrs. Chops, resuming his rounds and his roundelay, " Come where the aspens quiver." I was congratulating myself on having escaped without having my nose chopped off, and my best feelings lacerated by the concentrated venom of some ^' judex fatalis incestusque" when f was interrupted by a loud single rap, which would have thrown any of my former masters into sudorifics, and whicli caused Mrs. Priggins to look out of temper and the window, and say : — " Deary me, how very tiresome 1 Broome and Dusterly coming to call, and my hair still in puppy lots" which, she says, is French for curl- papers. No woman is exempt from what I call per- sonal hypocrisy, and Mrs, P., of course, has her share. She tells every body " she wears her own hair," and so she does ; but it has been cut off her head for these ten years, and made up, 180 PETER PRIGGINS. by Chops's ingenuity, into false- fronts ; each of which looks to me, as it lies for the night in its oblong pasteboard-box, like two poodle-dog's ears nailed to a long leather-strap ; to render the deception practised on the public more com- plete, the curls are put into papillotes as long as Mrs. P. "is in dish-a-bill," which is until she " cleans herself " for dinner. She, of course, vanished up stairs, as " she was not fit to be seen that figger," and I opened the door to admit my friends Broome and Dus- terly, who always run in couples like the Py lades and Orestes of ancient, and the Pontos and Snowballs of modern days. They seem to be almost as inseparable as those pretty little Indian birds, which my youngest daughter calls affi- davits, though their proper name is, I believe, Averdevats. I concluded that they had merely called to take their customary " morning," and was going to send Peter, jun., to the buttery to procure the requisites, but was interrupted by Dusterly, who called out, emphatically as usually : — " Stop ha hinstant ! now, Mr. Broome, hout with the hinformation." PETER PRIGGINS. 181 Broome dived into the depths of his coat- pocket, and with some difficulty fished up a double diurnal newspaper, and, covering the dining-table with it, turned it inside and outside, and at last found and pointed out to me an article headed ^'^ Reviews of the Periodicals,'' directing my attention more particularly to the remarks on the N. M. M. Upon skimming it over as rapidly as possible, I found "■ Paper by the Editor — good as usual. By Mrs. Trollope — satirical as ever, with two engravings. Several others, all intended to please, which will be much approved of by some people, but perhaps not by others. Peter Priggins again — more university profligacy — we 've.no doubt it 's all false — that is, fictitious, imaginary, though we think it a true picture of Oxford life — rather J over-coloured, or over-drawn — but by the hand of an artist. We think it bad taste to bring such scenes before the public, though we confess we approve of their exposition, especially as we have had scenes of naval and military life, and of high life and low life w^ywe adnauseam. Though we think th(i publication of life at college and 182 PETER PRIGGINS. public schools may do a great deal of harm, we are still of opinion that it will certainly produce a great deal of good. The author, we under- stand, has been offered iJ3,000 and a D. C. L. degree, by the delegates of the University Press, if he will allow his MS. to be printed at the Clarendon, and published amongst the other standard works of that admirable and useful in- stitution." " Well," said Broome, dodging me round the dining-table, until he got me into a favourable position for an examination, by placing his back against the window, and causing the light to fall upon my face, " well, is that true ? — are we to congratulate you on being an honorary doctor ?" " Hand hif you his to ave hall that here ham- mount, you can hafford to beave andsome to han hold friend — his hit true ?" *' Quite as true," I replied, " as the accounts you may have seen lately in the papers of the enormous sums of money given by their respective publishers to the authors of the most popular works of the day." " But," continued Broome, smiling at the PETER PRIGGINS. 183 dubious looks of Dusterly, who could not quite comprehend whether I was to be a D. C. L. or not, " what answer do you make to the charge of overcharging your descriptions — overcolouring or overdrawing, as the critic calls it?" " Haye, hexhaggerhating as hi caJl hit ! What do you say to that ?" " Simply this : You both of you know as well as I do, that many such scenes as I have de- scribed have really been witnessed in Oxford — (and in Cambridge too, I've no doubt — similes similibus gaudent) unsanctioned, of course, by the authorities. To please the taste of the pub- lic, which, in these days, requires highly-seasoned dishes, it is absolutely necessary to embellish, or, in the words of the critic before us, to overdraw and overcolour. This remark will apply not only to writings intended to amuse, but to those meant to instruct ; indeed, to very many things besides. Do you think," said I, pointing to a very flattering likeness of Mrs. P. in a very handsome gilt frame, carefully covered over with fly-defying yellow gauze, " do you think that my old woman would have allowed that 184 PETER PRIGGINS. misrepresentation of herself to hang there if the artist had not improved upon nature ? ut pictura ' poesis — the best book that ever was written would not sell in these days without a great name, a grand and startling title-page, or plenty of puffing and patronage, and scarcely, with all these advantages, without twenty-four ' etchings by Mr. Straightlegs.' This is pecu- liarly the age of embellishment, ' Nova nomina rerum Protulit setas nostra.' What mamma would send her son to Mister Birch's school ? hnt Doctor B.'s "classical and commercial academy" for the instillation of mer- chants' accounts and metaphysics is a very dif- ferent thing. Mrs. P. calls having a few friends to tea and talk, ' giving a swurry and conver- sationy,' and designates her little back bed- room as her ' boodoye ;' a common headache is termed * a nervous disarrangement of the internal con- tents of the occiput/ and even a pair of boots are called a ' membraneous envelopment of the lower extremities.' " *' True," said Broome, " for Mrs. B. calls my PETER PRIGGINS. 185 old arm-chair a 'footeel' and the footstool an ' ottymum.' " " And my missus," observed Dusterly, " calls hour hass hon which hour Enry rides, his ' hele- gant hanimal for oss hexercise.' " " As to the critic's speculation," I continued, " about the good or harm likely to result from my stories of college life, I can only say that they are not written with a view of effecting any change whatever in the sentiments of the public towards the universities, but merely to amuse the readers of the JV. M. M. ; and if they prove offensive to any one of its numerous perusers, he has the remedy in his own power — let him leave my leaves uncut, and my contributions unread." Mrs. P. here made her appearance "commyfo,'' and invited my friends to a " little d^jirmay" in the shape of bread, cheese, and ale, of which Dusterly eat and drank enormously, declaring that a " little snap was more ealthy than a great cloggy meal." When they had taken their " Httle snap," and their departure, I strolled into my garden, and found my son and successor, Peter, junr., busily 186 PETER PRIGGINS. employed in washing out the barrels of a double gun, under the pump, preparatory to " the first," not for himself, but for one of his masters, who always resides during '^ the long," for the pur- pose of enjoying a little fishing and shooting, without being pestered and annoyed by the in- terruptions of the undergraduates. The sight of the gun brought to my mind an ^ old story of " a day's shooting," which I shall tell by and by. The shooting about Oxford would be very good if the men could only get leave to go into the preserves ; but as that is a very difficult thing to obtain, unless they happen to have a good introduction to the landlords or farmers in the neighbourhood, they are driven to the open and unpreserved parts of the country, which are not very thickly populated with partridges or phea- sants, except for the first week or two of the season. I myself have seen ten men — snobs ■ — in top-boots, with tinder-boxes (i. e. flint guns) in their hands, marching down Wolvercot field, massacreing every thing, feathered or flicked, that got up before them, without leave or licence, PETER PRIGGINS. 187 and that in the good old times when gentlemen did not pay their fishmongers in kind, but dis- tributed their game to their friends. When the men come up in October, there are but a few larks left for them to practice upon, with now and then a solitary rabbit in a hedgerow, who has been shot at too often to venture out except at midnight. This scarcity of game in the un- preserved districts compels them, much against their will, to intrude upon the neighbouring preserves, and to resort to all manner of tricks to elude the vigilance of the keepers and their employers. Sometimes this is effected by driving up to the cover-side, having a pull right and left at the pheasants, and driving off before the keeper can get to the spot. Sometimes by sneaking into cover without a dog, going directly to the barley- rick, where the birds are fed, and after bagging a brace, lying quietly in a ditch, or up in a thick tree, until the search is over. At other times it is necessary to bribe the keeper, and if he is too conscientious to accept the offer, to give him a false name, or the governor's 188 PETER PRIGGINS. certificate, and if that won't do, to give him, which he must take, a sound threshing, and then run for their lives. One or other of these plans generally answers. Some of the uninitiated may ask if shooting is allowed by the authorities of the university. The statute " De armis non gestandis," expressly forbids '' intra universitatis ambitum," " the carrying of arms, either offensive or defensive, such as swords, daggers, little dittos, commonly called stilettoes, skeans, bows and arrows, bom- bardas (what they are even Ainsworth did not know, as he has left the word out of his dic- tionary) either by day or night, except on a journey to or from Oxford, under the penalty of being fined two shillings to the university/' The same statute, however, allows the members to carry bows and arrows, " honestse recreationis caus^," which is doubtless the origin of the archery meetings which are now held in the gardens of those colleges which are fortunate enough to have these delightful appendages. As these statutes were written before the days of Friar Bacon, who invented gunpowder, and PETER PRIGGINS. 189 lived at or upon Grandpont (the bridge at the bottom of St. Aldgates) and have not been materially altered since Friar Bacon's time, no mention is made of cannons, (excepting those of Christ Church) guns, pistols, or pistolets — the use of them is therefore allowed, or at least winked at, which is the same thing, " honestae recreationis caus^," in lieu of the bow and arrow, the use of which is confined to a few very fine men, who like to attitudinize and shew off their figures before the ladies. Archery meetings, I allow, are very pleasant things for bringing people together to eat and drink in a tent, lounge about prettily laid-out grounds, and finish the evening with a dance ; but it puts me in an awful rage to see a great, strapping, full-grown fellow with a diminutive bow in his hand, fancying himself Robin Hood, because he happens to have on a Spanish hat and feathers, a suit of Lincoln green, with a " quiver full of arrows" at his back, a delicate white kid glove on one hand, and a thing like three tailor''s thimbles on the other, to prevent his tender fingers being hurt by the sting ! I 190 PETER PRIGGINS. say it puts me in a passion to see this archer — toxophilite, I beg pardon — after putting himself into the most approved position, and with diffi- culty sending forty or fifty little arrows, not clothyard shafts, eighty or ninety yards, some to the right, and others to the left, to the danger of his surrounding admirers — receive the con- gratulations of his friends, and a silver bauble from the hand of some beautiful girl, for having, by great good luck, put one arrow out of the lot into some part of a target, six feet in diameter. But I am wandering as far from my subject as toxophilites' arrows do from the mark at which they are aimed. , Mr. Nathan Nevermiss, the hero of this tale, — he shall be his own historian, when I have properly introduced and described him, — was a fellow commoner of St. Mark's College, and a constant visiter in our common room, where his agreeable manners, witty conversation, and vocal powers, rendered him an acceptable guest. In person he was tall and thin, with a face that would have made a comedian's fortune — it was naturally so very ugly ; and he had increased PETER PRIGGINS. 191 its Ugliness by screwing it up into a wrinkled cumulus, in his efforts to remedy the short- sightedness with which he was so much afflicted, as to be obliged at last to wear spectacles con- stantly. He was never seen to smile, even at his own jokes, though they threw all his friends into convulsions. His laugh, if it could be called such, was a sepulchral oh ! hah ! which issued from his chest without any sympathetic movement of the muscles of his face. His whole appearance indicated ill health and bodily weak- ness, so much so indeed, that a Wiltshire farmer, who was travelling with him one very windy day, on the outside of a coach, overcome by his hu- mane feelings, said to him, " Put down thy umberelly, lad, or thee 'It be blawed right ath'ert that volla veild." But appearances, in his case as in many others, were deceitful : he was one of the most powerful men of his day, and had never cost his parents a shilhng for physic since he was inoculated and got over the measles and hooping-cough. He used to amuse his friends by tying a kitchen-poker round his neck, lifting two half-hundred weights, and knocking them '-J 192 PETER PRIGGINS. together over his head, and other feats of strength; his hands, though thin and bony, were so very strong that he could crush a pewter measure with ease, and could have strangled the American sea-serpent if he had been lucky enough to get him within his grasp. As a proof of his powers of compression, I will relate an anecdote which I heard from one of his friends. As they were walking along Fleet Street, arm- in-arm, they observed a very suspicious-looking character dodging them, and at last, as they stopped to look in at a print-shop, endeavour- ing to extract their handkerchiefs. " Wait a minute," said Nathan, " I'll have him." They moved on, and the pickpocket, taking advantage of a favourable rush of passengers, put his hand into Nathan's coat-pocket. He seized it imme- diately, and in spite of all the fellow's exertions to release himself, held him as in a blacksmith's vice. " Let me go, sir — pray let me go ! I'll never again — oh — oh — pray, sir !" and the fellow roared so loudly, and performed so many extra- PETER PRIGGINS. 193 ordinary gyrations, as to attract a large crowd, who could not tell what to make of it. Nathan, however, walked on very quietly, increasing the strength of his grasp, until he dragged the man, now pale with pain, and utterly unable to do any thing but groan, through Temple Bar, and into the first apothecary's shop he saw, where he released him, and pulling out half-a-crown, laid it on the counter, and coolly requested Mr. Bolus " to give that poor fellow a lotion." Mr. Bolus kindly inquired how he was hurt. ** How ? Why I presume he has left his own pocket-handkerchief at home, and in trying to borrow mine, my rascally tailor has made the pocket so small, that he has crushed his hand in attempting to get it out again." The thief had fainted from excess of agony, I shall relate one other circumstance as a ^ proof of his great bodily strength and courage, which created a great sensation at the time it happened, not only in Oxford, but in the sur- rounding neighbourhood. He had walked over to a village, about two miles from Oxford, to dine with a friend who VOL. I. K 194 PETER PRIGGINS. had taken lodgings there for the vacation, and when night came, the darkness was so intense, that every effort was made to induce him to sleep there, and return to Oxford in the morning, but in vain. He laughed at the idea of the danger of falling into a ditch or the hands of robbers, and set out by the nearest cut across the fields. He found his way with difficulty, and was congratulating himself on reaching the last gate, which opened into the turnpike-road within half a mile of the town, when he heard the voices of three men in conversation. He sup- posed, however, that they were merely labourers returning to their homes after indulging to rather a late hour at some public-house ; he therefore leaped the gate, and saying " good night," passed quickly by them. It was still dark, but his eyes having become accustomed to the darkness, he could just see that one of the three was a very tall, stout man, and the other two much shorter, and that all were dressed as bargemen usually are. At that period there was only one house in this part of the suburbs ; it stood in a walled garden, PETER PRIGGINS. 195 and divided the turnpike-road from the footpath. Thinking it would be lighter in the road than on the path, he turned back and passed the men again, intending to go round the wall, at the corner of which they were now standing, but as he passed them he was knocked violently against the wall by a blow from behind. He turned round, and saw the stoutest man in the act of repeating the blow, but he warded it off, and knocked him down : the other two then came upon him. He kept them at bay by striking at them, and retreating to the gate over which he had jumped into the turnpike-road, intending if possible to leap over it again, and trust to his legs and the darkness for his escape. Before he could accomplish this, the stoutest man again came up, and seizing a large stone from a heap placed near for the repair of the roads, hurled it at him with such force as to knock him back- wards into a deep but dry ditch. The ruffian . threw himself upon him, and seizing him by the neckcloth tried to strangle him with one hand, and to tear out his watch with the other, his two companions looking on and with dreadful K 2 196 PETER PRIGGINS. oaths and imprecations urging him to murder him. In this dreadful strait his presence of mind did not forsake him, but lifting the fellow with his left elbow he contrived to take his penknife from his waistcoat-pocket with his right hand and to open it. " He could," as he said, " have ripped the fellow up, but had not the heart to kill a fellow-creature." He, however, drew the knife sharply across his wrist, and divided all the tendons of the hand which was grasping his throat. The fellow gave a sharp, shrill cry, and fell over him as though he had fainted. As no time was to be lost, he sprung to his feet, and seizing the stone with which he had been as- sailed, ran at the nearest of the two men who were still on the bank, and felled him to the ground. The third man fled towards Oxford, and Nathan pursued him some yards, but, in tiding to follow him over a stile which led into the fields to the left, he found himself too weak from the loss of blood which was still pouring from his nose and mouth. Thinking the other two might again attack him, he staggered on as PETER PRIGGINS. 197 well as he could to the turnpike-gate, and knocked the gatekeeper up. They obtained the assistance of the watch- man, and returned with lanterns to the scene of the outrage, but found no traces of the perpe- trators. In the ditch, however, was a large pool of blood, which must have flowed from the wrist of the wounded man. We had in Oxford, at that time, a very clever police-officer, called Jack Smith ; Mr. Nathan went to his house, and knocking him up in- formed him of the circumstances, described the men as well as he could, and then retired to bed. In the morning. Jack rose before daylight, and went to all the houses in St. Thomas"'s parish, where the bargemen generally lodge, but could not find the men he sought. He learnt, how- ever, at the canal wharf, that a boat had left at daybreak for Banbury, with two men on board, and another driving the horse. The description of the captain tallied exactly with that given to him of the tallest and stoutest of the three, and his suspicions of his being the man he " wanted" were confirmed by hearing that he had asked a 198 PETER PRIGGINS. bystander to " cast off the rope for him, for he had hurt his left hand." Without explaining the reasons for his inqui- ries, lest a hint should be given to his men, he went to Mr. Nathan's rooms, and, after a hearty breakfast, drove him to Banbury. They left their gig in the town, and walked down to the house by the canal side, where the bargemen resorted, and, under pretence of asking about a boat-load of timber which they expected, sat down in the little parlour and called for refresh- ments. After waiting some hours, a boat came in, and a tall, stout man, with his left hand tied up in a handkerchief, came on shore, and walked into the taproom. Jack followed him, and telling him he wanted to speak with him a minute in the passage, asked him, " How he came to knock the gentleman about so last night, as well as robbing him of his watch?" " Knocked him about," said the man, taken by surprise and thrown off his guard, " I wish I had murdered him, for he has maimed me for life." This was quite enough for Jack. His prisoner PETER PRIGGINS. 199 was handcuffed, and in Oxford gaol, within four hours from the time he was taken ; the other two were also secured. At the ensuing assizes all were found guilty. Two were transported, and the stout man sen- tenced to death, and left for execution, without a prospect of respite or reprieve. Nathan, though he knew the sentence was a just one, and the punishment deserved, " had not the heart" to be the cause of the premature death of any one — even of a man who had had no mercy on him. He sent up memorials and petitions to the Home Secretary, but without effect. He then went up to town and requested a personal interview, which was granted. The result, however, was the same ; no mercy could be extended in such a case. A second and a third interview were granted him; and so intense •was the agony he displayed, and so earnest were his prayers for mercy on the criminal for his sake, that the secretary at length yielded to his entreaties, and he returned to Oxford with the document which commuted the sentence to transportation for life. 200 PETER PRIGGINS. Had he failed, and the man been hanged, there is but Httle doubt he would have been in a lunatic asylum for the rest of his days. Such was Mr. Nathan Nevermiss in the serious scenes of life. " III war a lion, but in peace a lamb." One evening, as he was sitting in the common- room, entertaining the company as usual with his jests and tales, and making every body laugh but himself, which made them laugh ten times more, the subject of shooting came on the tapis, and at the request of one of tlie party he told the following tale. / " I was always very fond of shooting, and so I am now, but not nearly so madly attached to it as I was. A newly-married man is generally very sweet upon his wife for the first month or two — but somehow or another the heat of this attachment cools down by degrees. My double- barrel gun was my wife — made by Dupe. It was a tinderbox of course, for percussions were not invented then. I did love her dearly. She was seldom out of my arms. With her in my hand I was happy, though it could not be called PETER PRIGGINS. 201 single blessedness. Like all human wives, if I overloaded her with kindness she was apt to kick, and like some of them had a way of ' going off in another man's arms,' as readily as in my own ; though when she had done so she did not wait for the newspapers to publish the affair, but gave the report of it herself. She was a beauty. I can truly say I was wedded to her, and what is more than some husbands can say, kept her in such good order that she never ran rusty — oh ! oh ! hah ! " During the last three or four days of August I was always diligently employed in screwing and unscrewing, oiling and wiping the locks and barrels — polishing the stock — selecting flints and agates — cutting out stamps — drying pow- der and measuring out shot — selecting and greasing boots and shoes — examining jackets and gaiters — in fact, seeing over and over again that every thing was ready for ' the first.' " I had a dog then, called Don ; an old Spa- nish pointer, with a coarse short stern, and a face with a nose like a nigger's, slit in two. He combined in his person, which was somewhat of K 5 202 PETER PRIGGINS. the largest, all the qualifications of pointer, spaniel, water-dog, and retriever — I might add greyhound, or rather lurcher, for if he came upon a hare in a furze-bush, or a bit of short cover, he was pretty nearly sure to pounce upon her before she could get many yards from him. He never attempted this, however, unless she started before I could come up within shot. One other virtue I must not omit — for he was more celebrated for that than any of his sporting qualities ; — he was the greatest and most suc- cessful thief that ever lived. Our college cook used to hate the sight of him ; for he would slip into the kitchen, get under the dresser, and watch his every movement ; and the moment poor Coquus's back was turned, seize upon a loin of lamb or mutton, or indeed any joint within his reach, for he was not particular, and run off as hard as he could scamper — sometimes with an additional tail behind him, consisting of the cook, cook's mates, scullery wenches, and half a dozen of the scout's boys, armed with the readiest mis- siles ; the pursuit was useless if he once got clear of the gates and the porter's whip, and the four PETER PRIGGINS. 203 or five pounds of meat was put down in my bat- tels at ten or twelve pounds, and I was fined five shillings for letting my dog come into college. " As for sleeping a wink on the night of the last day of August, without dreaming of what was to happen the next day, was out of the question ; the moment I had closed my eyes there I was in a turnip-field, old Don beating about, and brushing the heavy dew off the leaves as he bounded along ; all of a sudden down he dropped — his tail as stiff as a poker, and his head a little turned towards me, winking at me with one eye, as much as to say, ' here they are, master, come up ;' then I would try to walk up, but my feet refused to leave the spot, or perhaps if I did walk up, and spring the birds, I could not get my gun off, though I pulled and pulled as hard as I could. Sometimes the hammers would go down as gently as if the spring was broken ; at others, the report was not louder than an air-gun's, and I could see the shot skim gently through the air, and hit the birds without hurting them in the least. To dream that I had left powder-flask, shot- belt. 204 PETER PRIGGINS. or some other requisite behind me, after walking six miles to the ground, was a very common occurrence ; and old Don was often transformed into a pig or a sheep, and the partridges into tame ducks or fowls, and some- times into harpies, with the faces of my father and mother, and the rest of the family, watching my proceedings with their spectacles on. I would turn, and turn again, but it was of no avail; the instant sleep returned, some annoy- ing or ridiculous vision would present itself to my ' mind's eye ;' and I rose feverish and unre- freshed long before daylight, dressed in the dark, and groping my way to old Don's kennel, started off and sat upon the gate of the field I had marked out for the commencement of my beat, until the sun rose, and I could begin the slaughter accord- ing to Act of Parliament. Many such nights have I passed when a young sportsman. " We, that is I and old Don, were pretty well known within twenty miles (jf Oxford. As I never was a pot-hunter, and cared nothing about the game after it was killed, and generally made a point of feeing the farmers' men pretty libe- PETER PRIGGINS. 205 rally, and joked and laughed with every body I met — I often got a day or two's shooting where other men failed. The keepers, too, would some- times request me to assist them in making up a basket of game for presents ; and a pound of tobacco, and a gross of pipes, has insured me the entire shooting of a farm for the season. Somehow I managed to go out somewhere every day. " One day I received a note, rather a dirty one, from the keeper of Lord , who lived about eleven miles from Oxford ; it ran thus : « « Sur, " ' Oblig me by kummin over the day after nex. I wants to kill a hep of gam. Master's oldest sun's going to stan for M. P., and Fm to guv all the lectors as will vote for us, a basket of gam. You nos our manners — kum cross lore farm, and shut all you sees in your rode. " ' Your obedent Survunt, " ' Long Tom. " ' P.S. Kum arly, and the onder kipper will git brekfist reddy.' 206 PETER PRIGGINS. " As his lordship's manors were well stocked with game, I did not hesitate a moment about accepting Long Tom's invitation, and started on foot as soon as it was light, with old Don. I kept the turnpike-road for about five miles, and then turned into a stubble-field, and made my way across the country for three or four miles, as straight as I could for the lower farm. I got two or three shots as I walked along, and had just marked a fine covey into a bit of Swedes, and was going through the gateway to kill two or three brace of them, when I was interrupted by a tall, strapping, keeper-looking fellow, who opened the negotiation in a loud blustering tone, by inquiring, " * Who gin you toleration to shoot here ?' — * What's that to you ? ' I replied, walking up to old Don, who was standing the birds I had marked down. " ' Who gin you toleration to shoot here, I say ? ' was repeated in so loud a tone, that whurrh ! whurrh ! rose the birds, and bang, bang went my Dupe. I had pocketed the brace, and was loading again, when Snob, who PETER PRIGGINS. 207 from instinct had waited to mark the rest of the covey, resumed his remarks. " ' Do you know as you're a trespassing ? I'll just trouble you for your name and 'tifficate. I'll lay an inflammation agin you.' " ' If,' said I, ' you '11 show me your autho- rity, you shall know all about it.' " ' 'Thority ! — d — 'thority ! — I am keeper here.' " ' So any other fool may tell me, but I 'm not obhged to believe him — show me your de- putation, and I '11 show you my certificate,' I added, walking on my way after the birds. Snob walked alongside, and, after a great many strong remarks, which will not bear repeating, placed his great person between me and the stile, over which I was going to climb into the ad- joining field, and told me, with an oath, of course, that 'I should not go a step further unless I showed him my 'tificate, or gave him my name.' *' I don't choose to be bullied into any thing, so I politely and positively declined. " ' Then I '11 be — if I don't take your gun !' said he, coming towards me. 208 PETER PRIGGINS. *' ' Stand back,' cried I ; 'if you dare to touch me or the gun I '11 shoot you,' and the click, click, as I cocked both barrels, made him turn as pale as death, and hesitate to attack me. " * You cowardly, wizenfaced, scraggy -looking skeleton, if it was not for thy loaded gun there, I 'd give thee a sound thrashing.' " ' You would ?' said I. " * Do thee just put thy gun down and try.' " I fired off both barrels into the air, and laid the gun down, telling old Don to ' mind it,' and, taking off my spectacles and coat, said to him : — " ' Now, you great overgrown bully, pull oflF your jacket, and I '11 teach you a lesson in civi- lity you will not soon forget.' " The contest did not last very long. He swung his great powerful arms about like the sails of a windmill, and, had he hit me, would probably have stunned me ; but I hit straight at his head, and sprung back from his blows until I had reduced him to my own strength, then I closed with him, and got his bullet-shaped head under my arm, which I pummelled until I was PETER PRIGGINS. 209 tired, and then threw him from me. He fell completely beaten, and for a time unable to move. At length he rose, and, wiping the blood from his face, said, with a most vindictive grin, " * I '11 have thee up for this — here's my dep- pytation.' " ' And here,' said I, ' is my certificate, if you can read it.' '* He took it, and with the one eye which was not closed by my fist, read, ' Nathan Never- miss, St. Mark's Coll. Oxford,' and exclaimed, " ' Well, if this is n't a pretty go. You 're the very gen'leman as Long Tom sent me to meet, and I 've got breakfast ready for you in my cottage ; but you Ve not the least like — ' " ' The gentleman you expected to meet,' in- terrupted I ; ' but if you had only been civil instead of trying to bully me, you would have saved yourself a sound beating, and me a great deal of unnecessary exertion.' " ' I humbly beg your pardon, sir, and if you '11 do me a favour you '11 oblige me ; don't tell any body as you whopp'd me so, or I shall never hear the last of it — but 'specially my 210 PETER PRIGGINS. missus, or she 'd whop me too. I ■*!! tell her I tumbled and fell with my face on a stump/ " I consented to keep the matter a secret, and walked to his cottage, where I found Long Tom and an excellent breakfast waiting for me. " We were joined by two neighbouring farmers, and as the hares and pheasants were abundant, we killed enough in two or three hours to supply all the lectors in the county. It was down- right murder, and more like killing tame fowls and sheep than ferce nature ; nothing like sport in it —human spaniels with sticks in their hands to put up the game instead of the exciting music of the dogs. I was quite sick of it, and as I had a little plan of my own to execute in my way back, I declined a very hearty invitation to dine with the farmers, and set out on my re- turn. " In my route lay a snug cover of sixty or seventy acres full of game. It belonged to a man, who, in his younger days, had been a tradesman in Oxford, and one of the greatest poachers that ever lived ; but by the death of a relative he had come into a considerable pro- PETER PRIGGINS. 211 perty, of which the farm on which this cover stood formed a part. " He was a low-bred, nasty-tempered indi- vidual, but his money had the usual effect of making him what is called a country-gentleman, and a county magistrate. As soon as he be- came a beak he showed his talons, and had spring-guns, steel-traps, and spikes, set all over his estates ; would not allow a cur of any kind to be kept by a tenant or cottager, and sent every man to prison whom he suspected of wiring a hare, or trapping a rabbit. He shot all the foxes in his covers, and spiked the gapways and gates, to prevent the hounds coming upon his grounds, and allowed no one a day's sporting of any kind. The game that he killed he sent up to London, exchanging it for wine and fish, and kept all his servants on rabbits, until they nauseated the very sight of a scut. " It is needless to say he was not a popular character, I owed him a grudge for having threat- ened to exchequer me for following a wounded bird, and picking it up on his land. He did not know me by sight, only by name ; and I now re- 212 PETER PRIGGINS. solved to put in execution a plan that I had formed some time before. I walked boldly up to his house and rung the hall -bell as loudly as I could. The bailiff, who lived in the back part of the mansion, came with marks of alarm on his face, and dinner in his mouth, to see what so un- usually loud an application of the bell-rope could mean. " ' Is Mr. Tapes at home ?' " ' No, sir.' " So I suspected, and it was just what I wanted. " ' Is he gone to Oxford V '* * Yes, sir, and will not be home until din- ner.' « ' Could I speak with Mr. Scrape, the bailiff?' '" I'm Mr. Scrape, sir.' " ' Oh ! then,' continued I, ' that is lucky. I have a letter to deliver to Mr. Tapes or your- self.' " This letter I had prepared some time be- fore — it was a regular forgery, and purported to be written by an attorney in Oxford, who was supposed to be so deep in Mr. Tapes's secrets as to have him completely under his thumb. PETER PRIGGINS. 213 One of his clerks wrote it, and was even then so successful in copying his master's hand, that no one could detect the imposition ; and so much more so, afterwards, that he got £500 out of the banker's hands by a forged check, and escaped to America with the amount. " Mr. Scrape read and examined the letter minutely. The contents surprised him, as he was peremptorily ordered, in the absence of his master, to show me an hour or two's shooting in the thickest part of his preserves, alleging, as a reason for so unusual a proceeding, that he was under considerable obligations to my father. " Mr. Scrape seemed puzzled how to act. He could not doubt the genuineness of the docu- ment, and knew that his master did not dare to refuse any request that his lawyer made to him. Seeing his hesitation, I told him that my time was but short, and I should feel obliged by his giving me some luncheon while he summoned the keeper, and, without waiting for his answer, showed myself into a back room, through the open door of which I saw a table with a whity- brown table-cloth, and some dishes upon it. 214 PETER PRIGGINS. (( ( I '11 trouble you,' said I, sitting down and helping myself to some rabbit- pie, and old Don to a large piece of bacon, ' for a very large mug of very cold pump water and some brandy ; or, if you 've none at hand, a bottle of sherry will do.' " Mr. Scrape said, ' he really was — very much surprised — very sorry — very glad — wished his master was at home — was sorry he was out;' but, seeing me progressing coolly with my lunch, and not at all disposed to yield my point, he left the room, and returned with a bottle of very good sherry. When I had finished it and my meal, I informed him I was quite ready, and, taking up my gun, walked out directly for the cover ; Mr. Scrape following and talking to him- self. « ' Oh dear ! oh dear ! what shall I do ?' '' * Do ?' said I, * unlock that gate, and take care and leave it unlocked. As the keeper is not here, I and my old dog shall do very well.' " Mr. Scrape hesitated, and wished I would but wait till his master came home. He would be home punctually at five, and I should have an PETER PRIGGINS. 215 hour's sport then — he never allowed any one to go into the cover. My only reply was opening the gate and letting fly right and left at two fine cock pheasants that old Don had flushed, and begging Mr. Scrape to have the goodness to pick them up for me. " The report of the gun, as I suspected it would, brought the keeper and two assistants to the spot. *' ' Mr. Scrape, I need not detain you any longer — I am obliged by your accompanying me thus far. Keeper, send away your dogs and men j you will be quite enough here.' And I walked on, and banged away at hares and phea- sants as fast as I could load and fire, leaving the keeper and Mr. Scrape to talk over so unusual a circumstance. The keeper, when he had done his consultation, followed me, and very civilly begged to see my certificate — I gave him the document, which I knew he could not read — for I had taken care to ascertain the fact. " ' Your name is, I see, sir ?' " ' Yes,' said I, nodding ; ' you see — Snugs, of St. Paul's College — it's all right — if you come 216 PETER PRIGGINS. into Oxford, pray call and take some refresh- ments in my name — you '11 not forget it — Snugs, of St. Paul's/ and I returned the licence into my pocket-book. " The man showed his wisdom, by scratching his head, and making me a bow, saying, ' Well ! how master could ever think of letting you or any body come a- shooting here, I can 't think.' " ' Your master,' I replied, * is a very liberal man, I 'm told, and nothing gives him so much pleasure as showing his friends sport, when they come to see him.' " ' Ees — when they do come to see him.' " I could not afford to lose any time, so I went on shooting, and very soon killed four or five brace of hares, and eight or ten of pheasants. I told the keeper I was quite satisfied, and begged him to thank his master in my name, and to assure him of my regret at not finding him at home to receive me. " * Thee isn't going to take away all the game ?' " ' The game ! — decidedly — all I can carry — PETER PRIGGINS. 217 I am sure your master, if he was at home, would be glad ' " ' Then he is at home — for there's his voice,' cried the keeper, as a loud ' hilloh I hilloh ! ' reached his ears. " ' That your master''s voice ?' said I, appa- rently much pleased ; ' run instantly, and tell him I 'm delighted he 's returned.' " Away went the keeper, and away went I — in a contrary direction, as fast as four brace of pheasants, which I had managed to cram into my pockets, would allow me, leaving the rest of the game for my host. I knew, if I could once get clear out of cover, I could beat them all at a run — but how to get out was the question, as the gates and palings were all spiked. I tried a ruse, an artful dodge, which answered very well. I called old Don to heel, and, giving him a sign to keep close, doubled upon my pursuers, whose voices I could just hear, and, turning down the cover, by a ride which ran parallel to the one by which they were going to meet me, as they thought, threw myself flat upon my face, at the VOL. 1. L 218 PETER PRIGGINS. bottom of a thick thorn-bush, and lay close until they had passed. " Though they could not see me, I could see and hear them distinctly ; there was Mr. Tapes, and the very lawyer, whose name I had just t8?ken the liberty of using, Mr. Scrape, and the keeper, with his two assistants, and a groom, leading the two nags, from which the host and his attorney had just dismounted. " Mr, Tapes was red with rage, the attorney still redder. Mr. Scrape and the keeper were excusing themselves in the best way they could, and the groom was winking at the two under- keepers, and applying his thumb in a peculiar way to his nose with his fingers distended, plainly meaning, ' this is fun.' "* To dare to forge my name,' said the lawyer. " ' To dare to drink my sherry,' said Mr Tapes. " "' And eat the rabbit-pie,' said Scrape. " * To kill ten brace of pheasants,' said the keeper. " 'I'll hang him for forgery,' continued the lawver. PETER PRIGGINS. 219 " ' I '11 prosecute him for poaching,' said Mr. Tapes — ' what 's his name ?' *' ' Snugs/ replied the keeper, " * Don/ replied Mr. Scrape. " ' Don't you wish you may catch him ?' said the groom to the under-keepers. *' I had heard quite enough to convince me I should get into trouble if I was caught ; I there- fore started the minute they were out of my sight, and ran as hard as I could for nearly a mile. I then pulled up, and, looking round me, and seeing nothing to indicate a pursuit, con- gratulated myself on having escaped, and walked on at an easy pace, planning with myself how I should evade the inquiries that would certainly be set on foot. *' In the midst of my cogitations I was inter- rupted by a loud but distant shout, and looking round, saw Mr. Scrape on a pony, and the two under-keepers, about a quarter of a mile behind me, evidently on my trail, I knew I could beat the men in running, but the pony was four to two — legs I mean — against me. " I laid a trap for Mr. Scrape. I ran boldly l2 220 PETER PRIGGINS. out across the middle of a grass field, at the top of my speed, and made for a gap I saw in the fence opposite me ; I jumped through, and stood quite still on the other side. Mr. Scrape gave a loud view hilloh ! and galloped after me, leaving his two attendants behind him, and most gal- lantly rammed his pony over the ditch where I was standing. 1 caught the bridle, and, turning him short round, succeeded in unseating his rider so far, that a gentle application of my hand to the sole of his boot threw him out of the saddle on to the ground. I mounted in his stead, and whistUng to Don, went off as hard as the pony could carry me, until I thought I was fairly out of danger of my enemies, and had sundry misgivings about being taken up for horse- stealing. " I rode to the nearest pubHc, and gave a boy sixpence to ride the pony home with my com- pliments to his master and thanks for the loan of him. The landlord of this house was an old sportsman, and we were very well acquainted 5 I therefore told him of my adventures, which amused him very much; and as Tapes was a PETER PRIGGINS. 221 very bitter enemy of his, he readily promised secrecy as to my name and college, and relieved me of my anxiety about getting back to Oxford undiscovered, by putting his horse into a light cart, and driving me, by a roundabout road, home to our college gates. " On the following morning, I confess I was very anxious to know if any and what inquiries or proceedings had been instituted ; but was afraid to venture out lest I should meet some of the parties. My appearance is rather peculiar, hoh ! hoh ! hah ! so I sent my scout down to St. Paul's College to act as scout, and learn the tactics of the enemy. " Mr. Scrape and the keeper had both been to inquire of the porter if a Mr. Snugs was there, and had described my personal appear- ance so accurately that no one who had ever seen me could mistake me. The porter, how- ever, was too old a stager to betray me, and the bailiff and keeper returned as wise as they came. " I took the advice of my scout and altered my usual dress, and by cutting off my whiskers, 222 PETER PRIGGINS. and substituting an eye-glass for my spectacles, looked a very different character. Still I was very uneasy ; I did not so much fear the wrath of Mr. Tapes as that of his attorney, and turned over in my mind every plan I could think of for deprecating his anger ; but without success, until I fortunately recollected that one of our men who happened to be up was intimately acquainted with him. I called upon him, and told him of my impudent conduct of the day before, and of my fears of the result of it. " After listening to and laughing at my tale — for somehow every body laughs at me — he very goodnaturedly promised to set matters straight before night. " About seven in the evening, I received a message from him begging me to come over to his rooms. I went, and to my great surprise was formally introduced to the attorney by my real name, which he did not seem to recognize. He was already up to the degree of " Merry," from the wine he had drunk, and we pushed the bottle round so rapidly, and drank so many irre sistible toasts, that he got boisterous in his mirth. PETER PRIGGINS. 223 I told him all my old anecdotes which were new to him, and sung him three or four comic songs, which pleased him so much that he shook me warmly by the hand, and assured me that he should be proud to know more of me, and to render me any assistance at any time that lay in his power. " * My good sir,' said I, ' I stand in need of your professional aid at this moment/ " ' I'm sorry — that is — glad to hear it — com- mand my services ; but what's the crime ?' " ' Forgery.' " ' Good heavens ! forgery ! On whom ?' " ' Yourself,' and I told him in as amusing a way as I could every thing that had occurred at Tape Hall. " He tried to look serious but could not, and after laughing heartily, promised to relieve me from all anxiety, if I would merely tell him who had imitated his writing so closely that he himself could not tell whether it was his own or not. " This I respectfully and firmly declined doing, as it might be prejudicial to another's 224 PETER PRIGGINS. interests. At last he freely forgave me, and engaged to give me a note to old Tapes, which would prevent his instituting any proceedings against me. " He kept his promise, and with the note which he had written for me, I rode over to Tape Hall and found the owner at home. " Mr. Scrape, who opened the door to me, knew me in spite of my disguise, and chuckled to think I should pay for the rabhit-pie and his tumble. " ' Mr. Scrape,' said I, ' here is a real note, not a forged one, for your master.' " He slammed the door in my face, but re- turned in a few minutes, and in a very humble tone desired me to walk in. " I found Mr. Tapes evidently in a bad hu- mour at being compelled to pardon so grievous an offender as myself, but I brought him into a good humour at last, by flattering him on his merits as a country gentleman, and a county magistrate, and by expressing a wish to repay his hospitality of the day before, by giving him a return bottle of sherry in college. PETER PRIGGINS. 225 " A sovereign to the keeper and his subs made them so very polite that they hinted at * my having another chance at the pheasants when I knew their master was out.' " l5 226 PETER PRIGGINS. CHAPTER VI. " And what," said the vice-principal, '^ did the letter and parcel contain ?" " That," said the Bursar, " is at present a mystery."" " And so it seems likely to remain," said Broome ; " after quoting these words from my No. I. you ought to have explained the mystery in No. II., Mr. Priggins, if you had any gump- tion in you ; but you seem to treat the public very coolly, and ramble about, first to hunting, then to boating, then to shooting, and then to great-go parties, without any sort of order or arrangement." " Yes," said Dusterly, " he's as herratic as Boots." " Boots" cried I, never having heard the simile before, " what can you mean by that figure of speech ?" PETER PRIGGINS. 227 {( Figger ? why hi intends to hintimate that you wanders habout jist Hke that figger of the gentleman has one sees in the evens of a bright night, hall kivered over with stars, and in the picter books of hasteronomy — don't they call im boots ?" " Oh I" said I, smiling in spite of myself, " I presume you mean Bootes — the constellation?"" " You may call im Bo-o-tes, or what you please — hi calls im Boots, jist has hi calls this," pointing to the tankard, " beer, and not be-er," replied Dusterly, evidently offended at my ques- tioning the correctness of his pronownciation as he calls it. " You bought to be auled hover the coals, hafore you gets hinto an abit of being so dilatory.'" " Read that," said I, indignantly throwing down before Broome the Number of the N. ilf. M. which contains my No. I. " Read hit hout," suggested Dusterly. Broome obeyed, and read thus : " I mean, as sayings and doings occur to me, to note those which may be published without hurting the feelings of any individual — without any order or 228 PETER PRIGGINS. arrangement. Like the Irish beggar, I shan't ' wait to pick them, but take them as they come.'' " " That's hall very well," remarked Dusterly, " but hif we ad hadopted that here plan with hour master's rooms, hi'm hof hopinion we should ave got ' the sack' long hago. Horder's hevery thing, has the vice-chancellor hused to hobserve when e went to the theaytxe in pro- cession." " Yes," replied Broome, " and as the com- mercial gentleman said to his customers, * much obliged for cash for last account — but an order is the thing I want." " True hagin," cried Dusterly, " hand what his the speaker of the ouse of commons hallays saying? W^hy harder ! harder! ! to be sure.*' . " Talking of Bagmen," said Broome, knock- ing the ashes out of his pipe, and preparing to replenish, " or commercial gents, as they call themselves nowadays, I will tell you an anec- dote if you are inclined to listen to it." " Hoh, hah ! hout with the hanicdote while you fills hagin," cried Dusterly, " and then it won't be ha long un." PETER PRIGGINS. 229 " One long vacation," commenced Broome, " I went to spend a few days with an old friend of mine, who keeps a commercial house at Wit- ney— " " What ! ha hinn you mean ? ha otel ?" " Yes — an inn, or hotel, which you please. As we were sitting smoking our pipes in the little bar one night, the waiter came in to say that the ' gent, as travels in the leather line would be much obliged to master if he would allow him to take a pipe in the bar, as he was all alone by his-self.' My friend, the landlord, sent ' his compliments, and should be delighted to see him.' " In a few minutes we heard a violent alter- cation under the window, a strange voice ex- claiming — " ' You ought to be athamed of yourthelf, thir ; you call yourthelf a waither — why, thir, I could thpit a betlier ! ' " And the waiter, in a tone deprecatory ex- pressing his sorrow for what had occurred. " ' I thall thell your mathter, thir ; you'll forth me to thange my houthe.' 230 PETER PEIGGINS. " The door opened, and a very little gentle- man entered, apparently very angry. My friend offered him a chair, and introduced him to me as Mr. Sadly, saying, at the same time, that ' he was afraid something unpleasant had occurred.' " The little man, who certainly was one of the ugliest specimens I had seen for some time, for he was frightfully marked with the small- pox, squinted horribly, and had no palate, which caused him to lisp very much, sat down, and holding his left foot in his hand, as it rested on his right knee, said, he was ' thurprithed to find tho much inattenthion in tho thelebrathed a houthe ; why, thir, I ordered a glath of neguth, and told that fool of a waither not to make it too thweet, and to put a thmall thlithe of lemon in it. Well, thir, the fool emptieth the moith thugar bathin into it, and athidth it from the vinegar-crueth, I'm thure of it, thir, I'm thure of it.' " The landlord, though he knew the state- ment was false, as he had manufactured the negus himself, offered to discharge the man at once. PETER PRIGGINS. 231 " ' No, thir, but if it occurth again I mutht thange my houthe ; a bothom of brandy, if you pleathe — muth obliged, thir.' " My friend, after giving him his dose, and expressing his regret at what had occurred, hoped he should not lose his custom. " ' Why, thir, you thee, thir, when I'm onthe ill-uthed at a houthe I never go to that houthe again. Onthe, thir, I drove Mrs. Thadly, my wife, roundth with me one of my journieth. Well, thir, we came to Thevenelmth — Theven- elmth, in Thuthex, a very flinthy plathe, and capital for cuthing thoeth to pietheth ; I thravel with leatherth, thir, but the thrade'th bad — billth, thir, no cath paymenth — billth at thix month th — and then they wanth them renewed; do a little in pathenth, but my commithion, two and a half per thent don't pay for thigarth. Well, thir, when we got to Thevenelmth, I drove in ath uthual, and gave my whip — my betht whip to the othler ; it wath a whip, thir, that I never uthe, ecthept Mrs. Thadly ith with me. Well, thir, I thaw the thingth took out of the thrap, while Mrs. Thadly went to thee the 232 PETER PRIGGINS. room. I ordered thea and thoatht, and a thop, and wath very well thatithfied. Well, thir, I wenth out to give my horthe hith oatths, and while I wath thanding theeing him eath, a thaithe and four drove up, and I heard the landlord thay, Thow the ladieth into number then. Now, number then wath our thleeping- room, tho, thir, I came out and I thaid, Mith- ter King, thir, thaid I, are you thenthible of my having taken pothethion of number then? Well, thir, inthtead of thaying he wath thorry, and all that, he thurned up hith nothe, and thaid they were genthlefolkth, and mutht have the room, and that number ninetheen was good enough for uth. " ' Well, thir, I thtood thtill in amathement, and thaid, What do you mean by that, thir ? " ' Why, thaid he, you litthle inthignificant athomy, when you're at home you thleep under the counther. " ' Now, thir, I can only thay that me and Mrs. Thadly thleep in a nithe four-poth, with dimithy curthainth and whithe tatelth ; tho I thaid. What do you mean by that, feller ? — I PETER PRIGGINS. 233 called him feller — and I would have knocked him down, thir, but he wath thix feet high. '' ' Well,-thir, thayth he, if you don't like the houthe, you may go over the way ; and tho I thould, but my horthe had not eath hith oatths. " ' Well, thir, we went to bed in number ninetheen, and wath bit by the bugth frightful. Tho nectht morning I ordered my thrap out, and paid the bill, and had jutht theated Mrs. Thadly in her theat when the whip wath mithing — my betht whip ath I keep for Mrs. Thadly. Well, thir, we thearched high and low, and where do you think I found it? Why, thir, there wath that great thix-foot lout of a land- lord a flogging thix great large thowth round the yard with it. " * I did not thay any think, but I went to the other houthe ever thinthe ; and never patheth Mither King but I turn up my nothe at him.' " Broome lit his pipe. " Well," said Dusterly, " his that hall ?" " That's all," replied Broome ; " I merely mentioned it apprvpo de boots." 234 PETER PRIGGINS. Dusterly did not relish the allusion to Boots, and rose and took his leave, and Broome with him. I began to consider with myself whether I had not better make the subject of this num- ber — SAM SMYTH'S MSS. The readers of the N. M. M. may perchance recollect that our Bursar was summoned to Trevenny by Messrs. Nibson and Inkspot, and returned to Oxford, bringing with him James Jobs, a MS., and a considerable quantity of the rain from heaven. The vice-principal and our senior tutor had often pressed the Bursar to read the MS. to them in the common-room, but something or another had always occurred to prevent his complying with their wishes. One evening, however, when they were by themselves, and wanted a fourth to make up a rubber, as they neither of them chose to take that convenient but troublesome gentleman called dummy for a partner, the Bursar sent me for James Jobs, who was now regularly installed as groom to his old half-master, and ordered PETER PRIGGINS. 235 him to go to his bureau and bring him the papers consigned to his care by his other and " better half" master. When they were brought and James dis- missed, the decanter replenished from ' the old" bin, the candles snuffed and the fire poked into a cheerful blaze, the Bursar, telling me that I need not go, thus began : — " The letter is directed," said he, " For the Bursar of St. Peter's College, Oxford, to the care of James Jobs. " My dear Bursar, "■ I feel a presentiment, for which I cannot account, that I shall meet with a sudden and premature death. I am not inclined to be super- stitious, but I cannot divest myself of the notion that I have received certain warnings to prepare to ' shuffle off this mortal coil.' I do not dread death more than other men, and have but too few of the goods of this world to make me loath to leave it ; yet my spirits are depressed, my mind irritable, and my body nervous and debilitated. The only relief I find is, from violent and continued exercise, or employment 236 PETER PRIGGINS, in the free air of heaven. To-day I have walked several miles in visiting ray poor but grateful flock : to-morrow I purpose having a long day's fishing in my little yacht." " Poor fellow ! " said the Bursar ; " this was probably written the night before the accident," and on inquiry of James Jobs, it was found to be the case. " I have but little society here, and my limited income, which will not allow me to shew my hospitable feelings to my friends, forbids my availing myself of their kindness as often as I might, were I enabled to repay it. I have whiled away many a tedious hour by writing an account of the events which occurred to me after we parted on quitting college. I buried the cares of the present in thoughts of the past. You, I believe, are the only friend I have left, and I flatter myself with the hope that the kindly feelings which you once entertained for me have not been obliterated by time and absence. Should the event, which I dread and expect, take place, I have ordered our old ser- vant James to place my papers and this letter PETER PRIGGINS. 237 in your hands. I have only two requests to make, with which I feel certain you will comply — to pay my few debts by the sale of my furni- ture and books, and the paltry pittance that is due to me from my cure, and to take James into your service again for my sake. You will find in him, as I have done, that rare treasure, a true and faithful servant ; and now farewell ! Be- stow sometimes a kindly thought on the memory of your old and attached friend, " Sam Smyth. •' Trevenny Parsonage, Cornwall." As soon as the letter was read, by a very sin- gular coincidence, the Bursar, the vice-principal, the tutor, and I, Peter Priggins, all pulled out our handkerchiefs, and began blowing our noses very violently — then the Bursar poked the fire as hard as he could — the vice-principal snuffed the candles — the tutor took a long pinch of snuff, and I rattled the glasses on the sideboard, and all four of us hemmed and hawed as if we had a fish-bone in our throats. " This will never do," said the Bursar, draw- 238 PETER PRIGGINS. ing his hand hastily across his eyes, " Peter, fill our glasses." I obeyed, and the " Memory of poor Sam" was drunk — the MS. unfolded, and the Bursar read as follows : — " Many years have passed, my dear fellow, since you and I were engaged in eating tough commons, and drinking thick, muddy undergra- duate port at St. Peter's ; abusing tutors and duns, and venting our imprecations upon scouts and chapel-bells. I find, by the Oxford calen- dar, that you are still at college ; and I have no doubt that as a Fellow and a Don, you see things with very different eyes now, and do not grumble so much as you were wont of yore at the amount of the Battels ; seeing that, as a Bursar, you get very pretty pickings out of the men's eatables ; conspiring for that purpose with, and winking at the peccabilities of, the college Coquus and Pro- mus ; a crime of which you did not use to hesi- tate accusing your predecessor in your undergra- duate days. " I look upon the life of a resident college Fellow to be one of the happiest to be found in any condition of society ; an income to satisfy PETER PRIGGINS. 239 every moderate wish — a little palace to dwell in — the best of every thing prepared without any trouble — no cares about household matters — no bother with servants — the best of society, and plenty of leisure for literary pursuits, with every facility for indulging in them that well- furnished libraries and reading-rooms can supply. Then, in the long vacation, hey for Baden-Baden, Wiesbaden, Rome, Vienna, Constantinople, or any other place, ' where men of leisure do resort,' and your month in London at your club without leaving any other thought behind you, but that your scout may not air your bed previously to your return, or that the common-room man may deduct some few bottles from your old and favourite bin for his own private use and enjoy- ment ; and yet how few of you appreciate your happiness ! " Now here am I, a poor devil, with two curacies, that bring me in an income of .£'65 per annum, which is paid me half-yearly, like ser- vants' wages, by Messrs. Nibson and Inkspot, my patron's lawyers. It is true that I have a few pounds additional now and then, when I can 240 PETER PRIGGINS. touch the tender feelings of '' my uncle" — not him of the " three balls" — but I have hardly enough to support myself and my one servant, and am often called upon to assist my poor hardwork- ing parishioners, for they have no one else to look to, as Lord Rentboruugh, the great man of the parish, (who, in other villages, generally as- sists the clergyman in relieving the wants of the poor) is an absentee. " As to society, I have little or none except the neighbouring farmers ; a kind-hearted, hospitable class of men, but not exactly calcu- lated to entertain and amuse a man of literary tastes and habits. I have certainly plenty of leisure for reading, if I could get books to read ; but in this distant corner of our island that is no easy matter. True that I have plenty of shoot- ing and fishing, and a yacht to sail in ; but fond as I am of all those sports, they ' pall upon my senses,' because I have no companion to share them with me. Then I am constantly annoyed by that lathy, lengthy, lout of legality, young Inkspot, to whom Fm compelled to give up half my parsonage or resign my curacy. The brute PETER PRIGGINS. 241 fancies, because he writes attorney-at-law to his name, that he must be a gentleman, and that his company must, consequently, be agreeable to me. But I will not contrast our situations fur- ther, lest you should get too strongly attached to college, even to quit it for your rectory and a wife. I have one consolation, however — the thought that you college Fellows generally do marry — somewhat late in life, and make the most peevish, grumbling, discontented maritals to be found any where in the habitable parts of the globe." The Bursar looked at the vice-principal, and the vice- principal at the tutor. All three shook their heads Burleighiously, and drank a glass of wine, as much as to say, "That requires wash- ing down — it's a crammer." The Bursar then went on with his tale. " I will not stop to remind you of our under- graduate days, though I could recall to your mind many scenes that you most probably have forgotten. Our entering on the same day, chum- ming in the same rooms, joining the same set, and sharing the same amusements, must be still VOL. I. M 242 PETER PRIGttlNS. fresh in your memory. Our reading with the same tutor for our little and great goes, you can- not have forgotten ; for little Pimply Pumpkin, as we, or rather you, christened the humbug, was too remarkable a character not to be re- membered. " I don't know how it may be now, but cer- tainly in our day it was no very difficult thing to get a degree, and yet almost every man thought it requisite to employ a private tutor to cram him for his examination. College lectures were cer- tainly a farce. Do you remember our friend Long John, who used always to come to Anaba- sis lecture — the only one in college — with his hands begrimed with gunpowder, his legs wetted up to the knees in a snipe -bog, and his shot- belt round his waist, scarcely hidden by his commoner's gown? I recollect perfectly his construing o /xjya? jSacr/Xst/?, ' the great mogul ;' xafiij/xEKo? iv hcppu. ' sitting in a ditch ;' and j^tdvofjLtvo<;, ' being a little in liquor,' in spite of my prompting him rightly : and poor Pimply Pump- kin would sit and groan and mutter something that was imperfectly heard, as his voice closely PETER PRIGGINS. 243 resembled the buzzing of a humble bee in a watering-pot. You have but little leisure or inducement to recall these scenes ; I have. I have sat for hours re-enacting scenes of bygone days, and wishing myself back again in our snug rooms, with Peter Priggins preparing our night- caps for us ; but I must not dwell on them longer, or you will close my papers with a full impression that I, the ' lively Sam Smyth,' as you were pleased to call me, am degenerated into a dreaming old twaddler. " We parted with each other, if you remem- ber, after taking our B. A.'s, and keeping our master's term, at that 'city of sweet smells, Birmingham. You were on your road to Liver- pool, intending to cross to Ireland, on a visit to our mutual friend Brallaghan, who had promised you ' the finest salmon-fishing in the world, laving out county Galway ;' I was journeying to my fond and anxious parents, who were raised several notches in their own estimation, by having a son a Bachelor of Arts. " You must remember my governor, because he spent a week in Oxford, and dined with us m2 244 PETER PRIGGINS. every day in our rooms ; but I dare say you knew little more of him than that he was a gen- tlemanly man — a presentable person ; in order to render my adventures intelligible to you, I must enter a little into his history. '* The Smyths of Odleton, in Staffordshire, had for several generations kept the principal shop in the grocery line in that quiet and unpre- tending borough. Each generation added a little to the family fortune ; and when my grand- father ' took to the business,' he realized, by his industry and attention, a considerable sum of money. Politics ran high in the town, and the Pittites and Foxites were so nearly matched, that at the ensuing election it was very doubtful which party would win the day. There were ten or eleven voters who were wise enough to consider that 6^10, ^20, or ofSO, for their ' vote and interest,' would be more successful in keep- ing their pots boiling, than all the fine speeches of the candidates, as to the ' right divine of kings,' or the measures of ' reform and retrench- ment.' " The names of these men were on my grand- PETER PRIGGINS. 245 father's books, with sundry sums unliquidated underneath them. The neighbouring family, who had generally returned one of its members on the Tory interest, had given great offence in the borough, in consequence of preventing the little snobs from gathering nuts in their coppices, and not sending round the usual quantity of game ; though it was strongly suspected that the keeper had converted the partridges, hares, and pheasants, into pounds, shillings, and pence, ' unbeknown' to his master, through the agency of his friend, the guard of the Oldeton mail. It was certain that he spent a great deal of money, and all his evenings at the Sun Inn, whence the mail started, and that Jem Thong, the guard, shouldered a basket of something every night during the shooting season. " Another cause of offence was that the squire's lady had imported a French maid, who was said to be a petticoat spy of Bonaparte's, though in reality she was the daughter of one of the poor ^migr^s ; she was French, however, and that, in those days, was enough ; for every thing French was detested, except French brandy, and 246 PETER PRIGGINS. that was only tolerated because there was a diffi- culty in obtaining it. " It was fully determined that the squire had ' lost the confidence of his constituents,"* and, of course, should lose ' his seat.' Meetings were held by both parties — the Whigs, who had secretly fo- mented the anger of the town against its represen- tative, entertained sanguine hopes, that as a Tory was to 'go out,' a Whig must, of course, 'come in.' The corporation, who were all Tories, were de- termined to turn the squire out — but to have another Church-and- King-man in his stead. The only question was, who should be the man ; and a very difficult question it was, if one may judge by the large quantity of port wine that was drunk, and the number of dinners that were eaten, before a satisfactory answer could be ob- tained to it. " The names of the leading men of the day were conned over ; but every one of them was provided with a borough through private interest, and they all lived too far off to induce them to spend much money in Oldeton. The names of the country gentlemen around — their property, PETER PRIGGINS. 247 talents, virtues, and vices, were canvassed ; but one was too poor and extravagant, another too rich and stingy, this was too stupid, and that too clever ; in short, some valid objection was raised against every one of them. What was to be done ? *' The mayor consulted the town- clerk, but that functionary could not advise the mayor. More port wine, more dinners — but the knot of the difficulty remained untied, until one night one of the burgesses got rather fuddled, and in a long, snuffling, stammering speech, suggested that they should send one of their own towns- men to represent them. " A new idea, when they happen to meet with one, strikes most people ; and the corporation of Oldeton, unused to such a piece of luck, were delighted beyond measure, and reeled home to their respective dwellings, filled with joy and port wine. " Another difficulty arose the moment the old one was overcome. Who should be the man — was still the question. " ' Bungs, the Brewer,' suggested one. 248 PETER PRIGGINS. " ' Too heady and frothy/ objected another. " ' Pits, the tanner/ " ' Too much bark about him — thinks more of skins and hides, than politics and poor-rates.' "The names of Skewer the butcher, Short- weight the baker, Poisonem the apothecary, and Grindem the great miller, were as unceremo- niously rejected. ** At last, the same inebriated individual who had cut the former Gordian knot, ' nodus tali vindice diffnus,' strongly hiccupped forth the name of my respected and respectable grand- father, who was too much taken by surprise to have sense or wind enough to negative the motion which was carried nem. con. by acclama- tion. " The parliament died a natural death — for the parliaments in those days were not addicted to suicide — and by the help of the ten or eleven men ' on the books,' who were obliged to pay their ticks, or vote for their creditor, but wisely chose the latter alternative, my Grandpere was declared to be ' duly elected,' and never had an hour's quiet afterwards. PETER PRIGGINS. 249 " The Whigs, of course, raised a great cla- mour at the degradation of being represented by a grocer, and all his mops, brooms, and other sweetmeats, were mercilessly thrown in the teeth of my worthy progenitor, who, thinking it would not sound very well when he went to ' take the oaths and his seat,' that the question ' who is Job Smyth, the honourable member for Oldeton ?"" should be answered by ' only a grocer,' resolved to put in execution a plan he had previously, but from other and higher motives, meditated. He opened a bank under the firm of Smyth and Co., though who the Co. were never appeared, and was announced in the Hst of M. P.'s as Job Smyth, Esq., banker. " I will not trouble you with much more of his history ; but I must just mention why he was one of the silent members of the house. " He had often essayed to speak on the sugar duties, and had succeeded in ' catching the eye of the speaker ' several times ; but the moment he opened his mouth vox faucibus hcesit, which he construed his ' tongue was glued to his pa- late,' and he sat down again amid loud cries of M 5 250 PETER PRIGGINS. hear ! hear ! Upon one occasion having im- bibed rather more than usual, and seeing a 'thin house,' he rose after a gentleman who had presented a petition, and in a hesitating tone said, " ' Mr. Spea — spea— ker, I wotes as how that 'ere petition lays on the counter^'' " And sat down perfectly satisfied with the impression he had made on the house, which was convulsively laughing and ' holding both its sides.' " He sat out that parliament, but the envy of his fellow-townsmen, who could not bear that one of themselves should be raised so much above the others, threw him out at the next election — he having polled exactly the eleven men who were still ' on his books.' " ' After pride cometh a fall,' and my grand- father fell very sick, and his * sickness was unto death.' Then, and then only, was he forgiven by his brother burgesses for ' setting himself up so much above his station.' "My father, finding the banking business more profitable and less dirty than the grocery PETER PRIGGINS. 251 tmde^ disposed of ' the stock and goodwill,' in- cluding the twelve painted dips, which dingle- dangled over the door, as criminals used to do in the hanging days at the Old Bailey, to intimate that the tallow trade was combined with impor- tations from Jamaica and China, and adhered closely to the issue of dirty notes — rags, as Mr. Cobbett used to call them — and the discounting of bills, by which he realized enough to enable him to buy a country-house, and aspire to the hand of a reduced country gentleman's daughter. Then, of course, he was coined into a county magistrate, for which he was admirably fitted — never having read a law-book or an act of par- liament in his life, and knowing about as much of judicial proceedings as pigs do of playing on pianofortes ; still he knew as much as many of his brother magistrates, and a ' fellow feeling made them wondrous kind' towards him. " When I was born, the family praenomen of Job was exchanged for that of my maternal grandfather, and I was christened Samuel. I was sent to the grammar-school of Oldeton (for grammar-schools were patronized by country 252 PETER PRIGGINS. gentlemen in those days (though now nothing but Eton will do for them), and obtained one of tiie scholarships at St. Peter's attached to the foundation. "You know that my allowance was always liberal at college ; indeed, so liberal, that, be- yond the credit of the thing, I cared little about taking a degree, as it was always understood in the family arrangements, that I should 'be a gentleman;' which meant, that I should have nothing to do with trade — even in bank-notes. " Now, though £400 per annum is considered a handsome allowance in the University, espe- cially for a scholar, who is supposed to be a needy person, and pays no room-rent nor tuition, receiving besides some £50 per annum, still, there are facilities in Oxford for spending treble that sum. How much I spent annually I have not the least notion, as I never saw a bill until I was on the point of taking my degree and leaving Oxford. And when the bills did come in, like my grandfather's moist sugar, all of a lump, I merely looked at the sum total of each, and assured the tradesman that my governor PETER PRIGGINS. 253 would settle all as soon as I went down. As it was well known that my father was a rich man, I was thanked very heartily for my ' past favours,' and solicited very earnestly for ' further orders.' " I felt quite as easy in my mind about the discharge of my ticks as the tradesmen did, not doubting for a moment that every thing would be paid, though I might be severely rebuked for my extravagance. Moreover, I knew that my influence with my mother and sister, who could do what they pleased with my father, was suffi- cient to ensure the fulfilment of my wishes. " When I parted from you at Birmingham, and was left to my own thoughts, I cannot deny that I felt sundry misgivings as to money and time wasted, and talents — such as they were — unimproved. I also experienced some awk- wardness about the method of opening the sub- jects of my ticks to the governor. I determined, however, not to be in a hurry about the matter, but to wait until some of my creditors should apply for their money. With this arrangement in my mind, I swallowed my ' saddened thoughts/ 254 PETER PRIGGINS. and sundry glasses of StafFordshire ale with Tom Whipcord, who drove the Sovereign day-coach. " Most coachmen are communicative, and, ge- nerally speaking, well supplied with local infor- mation. Tom certainly was one of the greatest gossips that ever lived, and made a point of pumping every individual who sat by his side on the box, and behind him on the roof. I was, of course, on intimate terms with him, as I rode up and down by his side every term, and ' took the ribbons' several stages; indeed, I had often worked his coach for him to give him a week's holiday, while I was supposed by my fond parents to be studying at Oxford. " ' Have you heard from the governor lately, Mr. Samivel?' he inquired, just as the horses for the last stage were put to. " ' Not very lately ; but why do you ask ? " ' Hum !' " ' What do you mean by hum, Tom ? nothing the matter, I hope ?' " ' Why, I don't know ; Bungs the brewer come down with me last journey — had the box, and gave me a shilhng — a regular screw, and PETER PRIGGINS. 255 intimated as much as someat was wrong with your governor.' "*Not stopped, I hope,' said I, thinking more, I must confess, of my Oxford duns than of my father's ailments. " ' Oh no ! — no signs of pulling up— the con- sarn's all right — but Bungs said as how he was a little queer in the head — got the megrims, I suppose, like Brown Bess, as fell going down Skidneed Hill. I can tell you how to care 'em : cut a stick to a pint, and run it into his palate about the fourth rudge, and he'll bleed plentiful, and run as well as ever. Bess did, at any rate.' " When Tom had kindly furnished me with this remedy he changed the subject ; but I was too much alarmed to be entertained by his con- versation, and was glad when I got to the end of my journey — that is, by coach. " I knew it would be useless to go to the bank, as it would be closed, so I threw myself into a chaise, and told the boy to drive as fast as he could to Longcroft's, as our country-house was called. " I was kindly received by my mother and 256 PETER PRIGGINS. sister, and found that my fears about my father's health were but too well grounded. " He had speculated largely and successfully in some foreign bonds, by the advice of his agents in London, and, stimulated by the hope of adding largely to his ample fortune, determined to ex- tend his speculations. As his agents endea- voured to deter him from entering into several wild, ill-concerted schemes, he ceased to consult them, and, acting entirely upon his own know- ledge of business- — which was limited to country- banking— got ' his fingers burnt,' as the phrase is, to the tune of £20,000. This a little chilled his ardour ; but some designing men, by holding out promises of very large and quick returns, induced him to risk £1 0,000 more in some ' safe investment of capital,' which proved very unsafe, and the £10,000 shared the fate of the prece- ding £20,000. " These losses produced in his mind great ex- citement and irritability, which were increased by a letter from his former agents, declining his future favours, and begging him to transfer his account to some other house. PETER PRIGGINS. 257 " This was no easy matter, as the news of his losses and his zeal for speculation were noised about in the money-market, and it was not until he had fully satisfied his former agents of his solvency, and promised them not to engage in any further schemes without their approbation, that they consented to re- open an account with him, and to supply him with means of meeting the run which would be sure to be made upon him in the country. His mind, like a bow which has been strained too violently, did not recover its wonted elasticity, and the excitement under which he had suffered was succeeded, as usual, by a want of energy and lowness of spirits, which totally incapacitated him for business ; in- deed, the family physician strongly urged him to retire at once, as he had realized sufficient to rank with the richest men in the county. But this advice he rejected as firmly as he did the suggestion that I should be sent for from Oxford, and, under the supervision of his old and faithful clerk Fidel, be installed at his desk, as his suc- cessor and junior partner. ' He had determined to make a gentleman of me, and I should never 258 PETER PRIGGINS. degrade myself by presiding at a counter, or scribbling my name upon dirty one-pound notes.' " He consented, however, to absent himself from the bank for a time, and to place an addi- tional clerk upon the establishment, though it was found necessary to put him under surveil- lance, as he had once or twice attempted to break through this necessary arrangement. " There lived in Oldeton, next to our bank- ing-house, a surgeon's widow, who had an only son named Owen Kington. He was about my own age, and went to the grammar-school at the same time I did. Although we were in the same class, and joined in the same games, got into the same scrapes, and shared the same punishments, we were never intimate — or, what is called by schoolboys, friends or cronies. There was something so sly and underhanded about him, that I never could like him — he was em- phatically a sneak. One fact will give you a better insight into his character than any de- scription I could give of him. •' The 5th of November was always a memo- rable day in the free -school of Oldeton, We PETER PRIGGINS. 259 had a choice of a whole holiday to go where we pleased, or a grand display of fireworks, and a bonfire in the evening ; the purchase money being made up by a subscription amongst our- selves, to which the masters gave a liberal addi- tion. I need hardly say that our choice was invariably in favour of the fireworks, though a ' flare up ' was not a flash word in those days. " We had subscribed, and made up, on one of these occasions, a sum of nearly £10, which was given to the captain of the school, who usually ordered and paid for the combustibles. I was with him when he counted the money, which was all in silver, excepting three guineas, which had been given us by the mayor and our two masters. I saw him lock it up carefully in the upper part of his bureau just before we went to bed on the night of the 4th. On the following morning we were sent for to the master's study, where the fireworks, which had just arrived, were deposited for safety until the evening. The man who had furnished them was waiting to be paid. Trueman, the senior boy, after seeing that the order ha'<."1..^.^ '-." H... r.' Vi-ik.-.-.,,.^!,-"',' PETER PRIGGINS. 329 young 'oman to elp me hup to bed, cos I was a sufferin from a giddiness in my ed — ' " ' Ginniness, you mean, marm,' said the doc- tor. " ' Feller ! who's a torkin to you ? Veil, I feels wery faint jist as hi gits to her room, and hi sais, Betty, sais hi, we'll go hin and sit down a bit. She tries to purwent me ; and the more she tries, the more I would not be purwented. Veil, I sits down on the bed, and on the piller I finds this wery suspicious and hundeniable harticle !' " She extracted from her pocket a very large and comfortable anti-rheumatic double-cotton nightcap, that evidently formed no portion of a female's toilette^ and threw it indignantly at her husband. " ' There can't be Jio doubt, you perfidious hoathbreaking hindividual, as you was a going for to — * " What disclosures might have ensued must remain a mystery, for Dr. Doonulfin jumped up, and gave his wife so hard a pat on the head with the folio bible, in reply to her challenge, indi- 330 PETER PRIGGINS. cated by ^ throwing down' the nightcap, that she fell to the floor perfectly insensible. The doctor raised her in his arms, and, with the assistance of the box-maid, who knocked her mistress's head against the doorpost — by chance, of course, as she passed the door — conveyed her to bed. *' When he returned, he relighted his pipe, and coolly observed, * That's my plan, sir.' *' He fell into a deep reverie, and, I presume, from the exertion he had undergone, seemed to be much intoxicated, and troubled with the hic- cups. I did not interrupt him, as I was en- gaged in meditating upon the pleasant life I should be likely to lead with this happy couple, and the nice young noblemen and gentlemen committed to their valuable superintendence. " After nearly a quarter of an hour's silence he roused himself, and requested me to ' empt my glass.' " I declined, and begged to be allowed to retire. " ' One more — one more, my dear (hiccup) young friend — a parting cup ; a bumper at parting, but that (hiccup) ain't in the hymn-book.' PETER PRIGGINS. 331 " In spite of my resistance, he contrived to pour a quantity of gin into my glass, and a still larger on the carpet, and, having filled his own with pure rum, he sat down and began again. " ' You're a very nice young man — I know you are — I feel it here (hiccup) — I've formed a very violent affection for you ; I have indeed — David and Jonathan-like — Sampson and Deli- lahish — Ruth and Boaz a fool to it (hiccup) — I'm going to prove it — you're a fool ! — you're going into the church — you're an ass ! (hiccup.) Take my advice and try the volunteers — volun- taries, I mean. You don't care about whist — what's the use of being ordained ? pawed by a bishop ? (hiccup.) What's a curacy ? Forty pounds, and keep yourself ! — Buy a bible — cheap enough at the pawnbroker's — join the jumpers, shakers, or screamers, it's no matter which — get a chapel, two hundred a year, and all your grub (hiccup). Single man — stick to the women — lots of white pocket-handerchiefs — dine with one — sup with another — nice and hot — breakfast with a third — prime twankay — never mind the men, and your fortune's made. Get married to — ' 332 PETER PRIGGINS. " Whom, he could not inform me ; for in his zeal to gain me over to his notions — to ' convert me to his faith,' I ought to have said — he used much gesticulation, and, advancing too forward in his chair, he lost his equilibrium, and fell with his forehead on the edge of the fender, " 1 left him, and sent his friend the box-maid to him, who, I imagined, would know how to take care of him and carry him to bed. " On the following day he appeared at * prayers and morning hymn,' with a large patch of stick- ing-plaster upon his forehead, and after break- fast he took me by the arm, and walked out into the park. He begged I would take no notice of the little touch of epilepsy he had had the night before, as it might alarm the female part of his congregation, " I assured him I would not, and inquired after the health of his wife. " * Ah ! that horrid vice ! Mr. Smyth, she has a most distressing headache, and can't get up — asoul-insnaring sin, sir — she can't eat break- fast — I always lay in a good one — that's my plan, sir.' PETER PRIGGINS. 333 " Soon after I had taken my ' classical chair,' a very stout man, in very thick brown top-boots, and a very large ash-stick in his hand, came into the school-room, and, after surveying the three English ushers, walked up to me, and begged to know if ray name was Smyth. On my answer- ing in the affirmative, he asked me ' if I was the man as thrashed his son yesterday.* " ' Yes,' I replied, ' and I think he richly de- served it.' " ' Oh ! — thee dost thee, and wouldst thrash un again?' " ' Decidedly, if he dared to draw a knife on me.' "'Wouldst thrash un well? Hit un hard loike ?' " ' Certainly, as hard and as long as I could.' " * Dang it, mon, gee's thine bond ! I loike thee the better vor it. But thee didn't do un half justice. Coom along wi' I, and I'll shew thee how to whop un.' " I followed him to the hall, where master Billy and his friend Bobby were standing and listening sulkily to a lecture on improprieties. 834 PETER PRIGGINS. delivered by the doctor, upon ' his plan,' and in his best didactic style. " Mr. Blinks caught hold of his son, and beat him so severely that I was forced to interfere. " ' There, my lad, that's the way to whop un ! I'll gie thee my ashen stick, and a good dinner whenever you loike to coom over to farm.' " Mrs. Doonuffin did not make her appear- ance at dinner, but sent for her friend, Mr. Grigs, the lawyer, and deacon of the chapel. Soon after he arrived, the doctor was summoned to his wife's bedroom, and a long discussion en- sued ' with closed doors.' " In about an hour's time I was summoned to the library, where I found Mr. Grigs solus. He put three five-pound notes into my hand, and told me that Doctor Doonuffin had altered his mind, and meant to undertake the classical department himself — he had paid me for the half-year, to which I was fully entitled, and had taken my place in the Oldeton coach, which would be at the lodge in a few minutes. I took the hint, the notes, and my departure. PETER PRIGGINS. 835 " Mr. Grigs walked with me, telling one of the servants to follow with my boxes. I turned round to ' take a last fond look' at Acorn House, and saw the respectable owner at his bedroom window ; he made a sign, by putting his hand to his mouth, like a person in the act of drinking, and pointed behind him towards the bed, to in- timate, I suppose, that his wife was the cause of my dismissal. Grigs shook hands with me, and hinted that the * tongue was a dangerous wea- pon,' and that the * least said the sooner things were mended ' — a hint which I took — disclosing my adventures only to Fidel and James Jobs." " Well," said the Bursar, " I think that must do for to-night. Peter ! — brandy-and-water — and put me in mind of sconcing the cook to- morrow morning. Eels overdone, mutton under- done, snipes a mass of corruption, and fondu scorched to a cinder — it's too bad — I'll sconce him a guinea."" " Very right,'' said the dean. " We will dine in my rooms next week — finish Sam's MS., and give Coquus another trial. If he don't succeed 336 PETER PRIGGINS. better than he has to-day — we'll expel him. It's abominable that we should be deprived of the few little enjoyments to which we are justly en- titled under the founder's will." Omnes. — " Very abominable indeed !" END OF VOL. I. LONDON : F. SHOBERL, JUN., 51, RUPERT STREET, HAYMARKET, PRINTER TO H. R. H. PRINCE ALBERT. i UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. OCT 3 19Sa MAR i^'i^tc^ 1 6 1955 SEP 2 6 ^973 1." JAN m fec:d,UCP ^^ Form L9-50m-ll,'50 (2554)444 THE LIBRARF UNIVERSITY OF CALIIiX)RNlX ¥ r\Ci A -fc.! ^-^ -w^-w UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY AA 000 370 860 9 li