MY MAEEIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE BT BARRY GRAY WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY McNEVIN NEW YORK PUBLISHED BY KURD AND HOUGHTON 1871. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by ROBERT BARRY COFFIN, ! the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the Soathwa District of New York. RIVERSIDE, CAMBRIDGE: STEREOTYPED AND PRINTED If H. 0. HOUOHTON AND COMPANY TO ALBERT BIERSTADT, AS A SLIGHT TESTIMONIAL OF ADMIRATION FOB HIM AS AN ARTIST, RESPECT FOR HIM AS A MAN, AND REGARD FOR HIM AS A FRIEND, ST&fs Volume IS INSCRIBED, WITH TOE KDTO \nSHES OF TOE AUTHOR 2063418 CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. Mi My Married Friends. A Private Letter of Inquiry. Shirt-Buttons. Reasons for Marrying. Owning no Tailor. Final Bachelor Acts. Getting Married. Is it a Dream ? Reading Marriage Notice. Dull Newspaper. Marriage Certificate . . . .1 CHAPTER II. My Wife. Envious Bachelors. Mrs. G.'s Remarks thereon. Depn- rations. Mr. Hayward done for. Dr. Philtre. Carving. My Children in Utopia. Confidence. A Breakfast Spring Chickens versus Old Red . . . . .6 CHAPTER HI. Dining out Going Home. Curtain drops. " Home, sweet Home." How a Husband feels. Little Black Boy. Our Barn. Angry Cook. Bells. Belated Dinner. Indignant Wife. Honeymoon returns ....... .12 CHAPTER IV. I propose a Christmas Dinner. My Brother-in-Law's Plan. Cost of a Dinner. A Cart-load of Turkeys. My Bachelor Friends. The Strangers I wished to invite. Mrs. Gray's Feelings. Ex- planation. The Dinner. Abeline. Act of Thankfulness. My Speech. Mrs. Gray's Opinion of it. My Modesty . . 17 CHAPTER V. Mrs. Gray's Idea of a Sleigh-ride. My Brother-in-Law's Rule. A Little Turn in the Yard. Who laughed? Stylish Sleigh-bells. Fleet Steed. Mrs. G.'s Churchmanship. Picking Pockets. The Parson. Slightly Jealous. Original Remark . . 24 CHAPTER VI. Mrs. Gray's Excitement. What occasioned it. Upon the Hay. My Audi mce. His Opinion. Fire and Smoke. Oh, Abeline ! Mrs. G.'s Remarks. A Poem or a Sermon. The Poem . . 30 vi CONTENTS. CHAPTER VII. PAOI Mrs. Gray visits her Mother. My Sorrow. I invite a few Friends. The Cook's Exodus. Elevation of the Little Black Boy. Equestrian Sports. My Regard for Mrs. G. The Poem . . 35 CHAPTER VIII. State of Mrs. Gray's Health. The Party. Frank as Mrs. Gray. - Stampede of Bachelors. The New Red. The Little Black Boy's Friendship. His Cooking. His Tricks. Puns. Treating the Little Black Boy . . . . . . .41 CHAPTER IX. The Village Newspaper. Washington's Birthday Ball. Festivities at Hillside. State of the House after the Party. Loneliness. Cowardly Bachelors. Old Beaux. Keeping Pasch. A Rhymed Note of Invitation . . . . . . .46 CHAPTER X. Mrs. Gray returns Home. Our Meeting. The Tall Man. Mrs. G.'s Commiseration. Her Discoveries. Bribing the Little Black Boy. Finding Eggs. The Paus Dinner. Postscript . . 53 CHAPTER XL Paper Clothing. The Star-Spangled Banner's Report. Bill of Fare. In the Cellar (8 CHAPTER XII. Our New Cook. My Seriousness. My Gayety. My Wildness. The Round Robin. Mrs. G. at the Sewing Circle. Her Consider- ateuess. Her Valentine . . . . . .63 CHAPTER XIII. My Life. Tribulation of the Little Black Boy. Quakerism. My GreaUGrandfather. Mrs. G.'s Tears. My Readings. Wood- Choppers. Snow-Shoes. Perilous Situation. Something Hot. The Back Way . . . . . . .67 CHAPTER XIV. Spring and Green Peas. Pea-nuts. My Wickedness. " The Hus- band's Appeal." How it affected Mrs. Gray. Speech of the Little Black Boy. Brandy-Peaches . . 71 CONTENTS. vii CHAPTER XV. PAOI Interesting Times at Hillside. Mrs. G.'s Industry. My Brother-in- Law's Letter. My Dilemma. Strange Woman. A 1'recious Package. Bribing the Nurse. Pin-cushions. Clarence's Let- ter. X.'s Baby . . . . . . .80 CHAPTER XVI. My Bachelor Friends pay their Respects to the Baby. Their Offer- ings. My Speech. Proceedings at the Barn. John. Culti- vating Catnip. Lines to our Baby. His Disappearance. Our Anxiety. His Return . . . . . .87 CHAPTER XVII. Plans for the Fourth. Old Soldiers. Fireworks. My Oration. National Hymn. American Flag. The Baby. My Audienee. Dinner. Cat and Crackers. In the Evening. Barrel of Ale. Good-night . . . ... . . .93 CHAPTER XVIII. An Anniversary. Mrs. G. slightly astonished. I refer to my Bache- lor Days. Apology of the Little Black Boy. Duels. Fire- Eaters. Mrs. G. and the Baby. The Happy Occasion. Judge's Address. John's Speech. Serenading .... 102 CHAPTER XIX. 1 join a Literary Society. Extra Meetings. Cymbals vs. Symbols. Impertinence of the Little Black Boy. My Singing. His Music. The new Charter Oak. The Old Soldier's Wish. Mrs. G. is Jealous. " Ina, of Lakelawn." How I came to write these Sketches. Shaking Hands. My Wicked Remark . . 109 CHAPTER XX. The Baby wakes. At Breakfast. Life's Sweets. The Trouba- dours. Two Little Black Boys with Cymbals. Mrs. G.'s Promise. A Prisoner. Hints to my Bachelor Friends . . . 116 CHAPTER XXI. Green Corn Pudding. Nantucket Fashion. Neighbor Pound. Eggs. The lost Dinner. Hungry New-Yorkers. Tempest in the Kitchen . . . . . . . .121 CHAPTER XXII. Neighbor Pound's Daughter borrows " our Bab}'." The Chase. The Rescue. Triumphal Return Home. Our Fountain. My Fish-pond. Hydraulic Rams and Sheep .... 127 viii CONTENTS. CHAPTER XXIH. KM! My Parole. Studying Chinese. Weeding Carrots. My Cousin's Father. " Our Lizzie " . . . . .132 CHAPTER XXIV. The Caravan. Wide Awake. Miss Smith. An Uncomfortable Household. Another Visitor . . . 137 CHAPTER XXV. A Caller. " The Editor." An Epic Wanted. Mrs. Gray's Mis- take. Her Rebuke. Mysterious Disappearance of the Little Black Boy. Roasting Chestnuts . . . . .142 CHAPTER XXVI. I get up a Picnic. Kissing the Baby. Vanity. The Advantage of Picnics. Prim and Bustle ..... 150 CHAPTER XXVII. A Picnic on Rocky Island. Not exactly Poetry. Rowing. Secur- ing the Boat. Ebb Tide. In the Mud. Carrying the Girls. Our Reward. The Wager. Home Again .... 155 CHAPTER XXVIII. I go to the Village. Frank's Case. Temptation. The Editor wants my Obituary ....... 1G2 CHAPTER XXIX. The Circus. It rains. Naughty Black Boy. Spangles. Motley. Babylon. Mrs. Gray's Friend. " What tne Sultan does in Ispa- han."" At Breakfast 167 CHAPTER XXX. Frank and his Washerwoman. " The Camp-meeting." The F. F. V.'B. Hymns of Zion. Lord of the Treasury. The Shanghai. Gabriel 177 CHAPTER XXXI. Fishing. Gunning. Fiddling. Gardening. Walking in the Garden. Invent a Table. Its Shape. Its Legs. Its Magic Sprin.2. An ugly Trick. Thanksgiving Dinner. "A Bache- lor's Bacchanal Lyric." Anacreontic. Our -Mahogany. After Dinner . . . . . . . . .183 CHAPTER XXXII. An Original Remark. " The Married Man's Plaint." Mrs. Gray's Opinion of it. My Defence. Pranks of the Black Boy. About the Circus. The Black Boy's Accident . . . .191 CONTENTS. ix CHAPTER XXXIII. PAOl Cold Meats. Mrs. Gray's Opinion of Christmas. Its Antiquity. My Astonishment. A Delightful Book. Christmas Eve. Santa Claus's Visit. The Old Fathers. Christmas Day . . 201 CHAPTER XXX-IV. Going to Church. My Erudition. Moslems and Mosques. Cha- teaux. At the " Arbor." Race with the Parson. The Wrong Pew. Mrs. G.'s Presence of Mind. Greens. More Learning. Geoffrey Crayon. Chancel Windows. Memory. Change of Subject. An Untold Anecdote . . . . .208 CHAPTER XXXV. My Exit. Anniversaries. Freedom. In the Snow. Frank. My Breakfast. A Serf. Female Collegians. Blue and Gold. My Old Friends. The Editor. " Sherry-Time." Apple Jack. Going Home. Mrs. G.'s Company. A Safe Ride . . 215 CHAPTER XXXVI. Mrs. G.'s Remarks by-and-by. Peace-Offerings. The Hut. My Occupation. A Violinist. A Compliment. An Unaccepted Offer. "Some Poetry " . . . . . .221 CHAPTER XXXVII. The Old Soldier's Present. Charter Oak. Thimble-Case. Toddy- Stick. Frank and John. Polishing the Cane. Prayer for the Donor . . . . . . . . .227 CHAPTER XXXVIII. Mrs. Gray's Valentine. Her Sarcastic Remark. Slippers. Em- broidering. Oh ! Letter from Clarence. The Old Saint. Mrs. G.'s Approval . . . . . . . .232 CHAPTER XXXIX. The Donation Party. The Old Stone Parsonage. A Debate. Novel Crinoline. The Company. The Good Shepherd. His Travels. His Book. His Portrait. His Excellences . . 239 CHAPTER XL. A Praiseworthy Incident. Riming the Bell. The Old Soldier. An Appropriate Text. A Slight Mistake. " The Parson." The Silk-webbed, Self-inflating Skirt . . . .245 x CONTENTS. CHAPTER XLI. PAGl Mrs. G. and I take a Journey. " The Hamlet" March Winds. Old Particular. " Mudlark." Birds. " The Sugar-Caiie Green." The Hostess. Fires. Sheustone. Up the Mountain. A Fine View. The Mountain Home. " The Angler's Song " . . 253 CHAPTER XLII. Our Landlord. Frank's Letter. A Whippoorwill. The Black Boy's Nimbleness. His Aptitude for Business. Selling Eggs. Pans Eggs. "On Easter-Day " . . . . .264 CHAPTER XLIII. Death of the Old Soldier. His Obituary. His Funeral. The Black Boy's Grief. Leaving Hillside. Wild Oats. Letters . . 274 CHAPTER XLIV. The Dinner. My Deportment. Outside Expenses. A Clean Breast. Star-Spangled Banner's Report. Speeches. " The Song." Finis . . . . . . . 38S ILLUSTRATIONS. EMI TITLE-PAGE. HILLSIDE. MR. GRAY PURSUING THE STUDY OF HEBREW 66 CELEBRATION OF THE FOURTH OF JULY 96 " I WISH," SAID THE OLD SOLDIER, " NO BETTER WINDING-SHEET THAN THE OLD FLAG " 118 ARRIVAL OF MISS SMITH 137 BUSTLE SHOWING MRS. GRAY WHERE MR. GRAY SOWED HIS WILD OATS . ... .279 PREFATORY LETTER To MY READERS. When, ten years ago, I commenced the publication, in the " Home Journal," of the larger part of the contents of this volume, in a series of sketches contributed from week to week, I had no intention of " making a book " ; but as by degrees they grew in number under my hand, and were received with favor by my readers, I came to think it would not be amiss for me to collect them into a volume. Having been deterred, however, from fulfilling this purpose until the present time, I trust that the inter- est, expressed by those who read them in a serial form, will not entirely have passed away, and that they will be pleased to renew their acquaintance with the various char- acters introduced to them so long ago. By thus waiting, also, I trust that I have gained a new and fresh class of readers, and one, too, which will find in my bachelor friends, my old soldiers, my exemplary parson, my eccentric edi- tor, my borrowing neighbors, my mischievous little black boy, and the estimable Mrs. Gray herself, characters which will both amuse and interest them. Many of these per- sonages were drawn from life, and all, I believe, have for- given me the liberty I took in putting them into print Of my bachelor friends, most of them are no longer bachelors. Only Frank, who is afar off in Japan, winning a name and xlv PREFATORY LETTER. fortune, still clings to single blessedness ; the rest have taken to themselves wives, and are no longer permitted to visit the Female College, but are required to stay at home and attend to the wants of their little ones. The little black boy, who, as all little black boys will, who are not cut off in the bloom of youth, grew to man's estate, and profit- ing by the instructions he received while " doing, chores " at Hillside, became a trustworthy and irtdustrious man. It grieves me, however, to record the fact that he is no more. He fell, bravely fighting, before Petersburg, and now fills a soldier's grave. Peace to his memory ! I would, if I dared, point out the truth and the fiction in this book ; but I stand in wholesome fear of Mrs. Gray's reproaches should I separate, as I have sometimes been requested to do, for the gratification of my readers, the one from the other. My whilom bachelor friends, and all married men, indeed, will have little difficulty in deciding which portion is drawn from actual experience, and which is purely imaginary. For the illustrations in this volume I am indebted to my friend Mr. J. M'NsviN, who has succeeded in catching the exact spirit of the text, and conveying it in his draw- ings in a graphic and admirable manner. The graphotype process, by which these illustrations are executed, is en- tirely new, and this is the first book published in this coun- try, with original designs produced by this mode. Through this process two desirable advances are made over wood- engraving: one is rapidity of execution, and the other a saving of at least one half in the expense. Still another advantage is, that every line made by the artist is faithfully reproduced. Each touch is his, and no intervening graver PREFATORY LETTER. xv comes in to mar his handiwork. The process is most sim- ple, and can be accomplished by any one accustomed to the handling of a brush. A brief description will suffice to show that when the artist makes the drawing, he at the same time effects the engraving. A thin plate of zinc, on which a coating of plaster composition is first spread, is subjected to hydraulic pressure, and afterwards kiln-dried. A surface as smooth and polished as plate glass is the re- sult, and on this, with a camel's hair-brush, the drawing is made, with a metallic ink. This ink has the property of hardening the composition wherever it touches, so effect- ually as to permit of the untouched part being brushed away with a velvet buffer, without breaking or disturbing the lines drawn, which remain in relief. The plate is then effectually hardened by a chemical liquid, and a plaster cast taken of it, which is the matrix from which a stereo- type is made, and from this the engraving is printed. In these grave and thoughtful times, when war dwells in the land, and few households are without a vacant chair, I have yet thought fit to bring this volume before the Public, believing that to turn for a little while from the contempla- tion of war and its horrors to the simple story of a quiet country life, as herein set forth, is good for the heart and mind. B. G. NEW YOISK, March 17, 1865. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. CHAPTER I. My Married Friends. A Private Letter of Inquiry. Shirt-Buttons. Reasons for Marrying. Owning no Tailor. Final Bachelor Acts. Getting Married. Is it a Dream ? Reading Marriage Notice. Dull Newspaper. Marriage Certificate. SENT to the city for some wines, and then, when they came, I got married. It was a grave thing for a bachelor of my age to marry. It required consid- erable nerve and resolution on my part to relinquish the careless life I had been leading for thirty odd years, and assume the responsibilities devolving upon married man. I smoked a large number of ci- gars, and drank a great many bottles of Scotch ale, before I finally decided to take the step I did. I, more- over, took the precaution of visiting several of my inti- mate friends who were married and had families, with a view to learn whether they were as happy in their new position as they had been in the olden one. But, bless me ! I could n't tell anything about it. They were all prepared for my coming; the husbands put on their most gracious tones, and the wives their prettiest ways, while the children were severally drilled into an extra degree of politeness. I was company, and therefore was treated as such. I even went so far, in my extreme cautiousness, as to 2 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. write a strictly private letter to my brother-in-law, who lives " Out West," asking his advice in the matter ; and I must confess his reply was most encouraging and highly satisfactory, though I afterward discovered that his wife, my respected sister, had dictated, word by word, the answer. Aside from love, there were certain reasons, I am free to confess, which had weight in influencing me to marry. In the first place, the lady who had the honor to be the object of my respectful admiration, and who is now my wife, knew how to make coffee. I will say that she ex- celled in that particular accomplishment. Nowhere have I ever found any coffee worthy of being compared to that she concocted. In fact, it was a cup of coffee that she made which caused me first to think of asking her to be my wife. I am very fond of coffee, no man can be more so. It is as food, clothes, and books to me. Deprive me of it, and I am but a common man, a mere cipher, an un- known individual ; but feed me with it, and I am, at the lowest, a poet, and with every cup grade upward a step higher. While under the influence which that first cup of coffee produced, I addressed some lines to my intended, which were published in the " Home Journal." These I sent to her anonymously ; but when next we met, I thought I discovered, by her manners, which were most pleasing, that she suspected me of being the author. In a confiden- tial conversation, which took place one night since our mar- riage, between us, I learned that this supposition of mine was correct, and that she not only suspected, but fully believed I was the author, from the circumstance that the handwriting of her address, which accompanied the lines in question, was a perfect fac-simile of one I had previously sent her. It seems very strange to me now that this little fact rs- caped my attention at that time. That 1 might obtain a cup of excellent coffee, then, was one reason why I decided to marry ; and another rea- son was buttons. I had a mind above buttons, therefore MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 3 1 would not sew them on myself, and it was not perfectly convenient for me to keep a tailor at my elbow. A tailor in one's house is, perhaps, an excellent institution ; but when, like myself, you have no house, and only one room, six by nine, it may not accord exactly with your ideas of economy to keep a tailor, especially as he would expect to share your bed, and, most likely, desire to use your brushes and combs, razors and towels, and similar articles of your personal property. Rather, therefore, than submit to so great an inconvenience as that of owning a tailor, I would prefer to take to myself a wife, even if she possessed no more than the necessary articles of her toilet With me, things especially my pantaloons were fast arriving at a crisis. I should soon be in no condition to visit among " our best society," but should be obliged to emigrate to some sunny isle like Typee, where, after all, I might be obliged to wed a deserted Fayaway. Preferring, therefore, either to a tailor or Typee, a wife, I re- solved to become a Benedict Between the arrival of the wine and the wedding-day, though but a brief season, I accomplished much. I settled an account at my washer-woman's ; I sold a fighting-dog, which an inconsiderate sporting friend left me when he died ; I burnt a package of old letters, tied with faded blue ribbons, which had been in a secret corner of my writing- desk many years ; I cast to the winds several ringlets of once glossy hair ; I rubbed out three daguerreotypes ; I exchanged several little articles of jewelry, that, somehow, chanced to be in my possession, for a plain gold ring ; I presented my night-key, with a few appropriate words of advice, to the young man who was to occupy my place at " our boarding-house " ; I read up Mrs. Caudle's " Curtain Lectures " ; I inquired the price of meat at the butcher's, and was astonished to find it so high, the same of bread at the baker's, and also of various groceries at the corner- store. Then I remembered that I was going to live in the 4 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. country, and I felt very thankful that there were no shops of any kind near by. I have an indistinct recollection, moreover, of drinking sundry glasses of ale, about that time, with bachelor friends, and making several little speeches farewell addresses, I may call them perti- nent to the occasion, some of which, I believe, were re- ported in the daily papers at the time, and attracted con- siderable attention. At last the day came, and with it the parson, the ring, the cake, the champagne, and all that sort of thing. After the parson had read the service, and the ring was put on, and the cake cut, and the champagne opened, we, that is my wife and her husband, departed in the cars. Yet for all this it did not seem to me as though I were a married man. I mentioned as much to Mrs. Gray, who, in reply, stated it did not seem to her that she was a married woman. I deemed this a very singular coincidence, and made a note of it, at the time, in my memorandum-book. I could but think that all that had passed, and was passing, would prove to be simply a dream, and nothing more, and that when the cars stopped I should wake from it, and lose the little hand which I held clasped so closely in mine, and hear no longer the sweet-toned voice that was music to my ears, and see no more the joyous face which was beaming upon me. But none of these things, I am pleased to say, happened, though it seemed none the less a dream. When a few days afterwards, however, I read a notice of our marriage in the newspaper, I felt that it might be true. Nevertheless, I took the precaution, for the sake of future reference, if at any time doubts should arise respect- ing it, to cut the article in question out of the paper, and preserve it in my pocket-book. I took occasion to read this little notice aloud to my wife many times during the day, and its perusal each time gave me infinite and peculiar satisfaction. It seemed to me that the phraseology of it was excellent Indeed, viewed simply in a literary point MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 5 of view, it was perfect ; much superior, I remarked to Mrs. B. G., than the general run of such articles. She fully coincided with me as regarded its merits, and expressed herself highly pleased with it. My wife also mentioned to me that there did not appear to be anything else worth reading in the paper, and after a careful examination my- self, I could see nothing of interest in its columns. This surprised me exceedingly, as in general I considered the paper a very readable one. Not, however, till our return home from the wedding- tour, and I had obtained from the parson who performed the ceremony a marriage certificate, which I have had framed and hung in a conspicuous place in our chamber, did I fully realize that I was a husband. The honeymoon, which promises to be a very long one, has not yet passed, though the summer has fled and the autumn is fast wasting away. Mrs. Gray already calls me by my Christian name, although, as yet, I have not dared to venture upon so much familiarity with her, but hope to be able so to do somewhere about Christmas. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. CHAPTER II. My Wife. Envious Bachelors. Mrs. G.'s Remarks thereon. Depri- vations. Mr. Hay ward done for. Dr. Philtre. Carving. My Children in Utopia. Confidence. A Breakfast. Spring Chickens versus Old lied. T is a fine thing, I find, to be a married man. There is something peculiarly gratifying to one's own feelings in being able to speak of " my wife." When I am among my bachelor friends, I take great delight in thus alluding to Mrs. Gray. It tells with re- markable effect. It seems to me that my old companions treat me with more respect now than they did previous to my marriage. I sometimes think that they look on me with feelings almost akin to envy ; especially when they meet me in the street accompanied by Mrs. Gray, or when they see her seated by my side as we ride to church. For my own part, and I am free to confess it, I am pleased that they should thus regard me. I mentioned as much to Mrs. G., and was astonished to find that she did not co- incide with me in this matter ; for, as she very truly, and I think, feelingly, remarked, " You know, Barry, that it would not be possible for me to marry all of them ; and envy is a passion which should not be tolerated in any Christian's bosom." Of course, I acknowledged the pro- priety of this remark, but at the same time it did not in the least change my feelings. It is a fine thing, I repeat it, to be a married man. There are, to be sure, sundry habits, which, though irreg- ular, still are permissible in the bachelor, that the husband b expected to resign. For instance, I am no longer per- MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 7 mitted to smoke after dinner, while lingering at the table, nor yet in the parlor of an evening, though at my old boarding-house such acts were not considered improper. Then, again, I am not allowed even to drink a glass of ale', except when prescribed by our family physician. This, to me, is a great deprivation. I had not thought I should be required to give up this trifling source of enjoyment. I came very near getting eight dozen of Scotch ale on my hands. I had gone so far as to write to my friend Richard Haywarde, inquiring the price of said beverage. When his reply came, I was foolish enough to show it to Mrs. B. G. " If," said she, " as this wine-merchant writes, ' half the ale which is sold in this market for Scotch never saw the land of Burns,' then I recommend to you, Mr. Gray, not to purchase any ; for," continued she, " if you take his own word for it, four dozen of that you propose buying would, of course, be manufactured in this country." There was a roguish sparkle in Mrs. G.'s eyes, as she said this, which was delightful to behold. Her rejoinder, I thought, was complete ; and as I could not gainsay it, I forgot to send the order as I had intended. Living out of town as I do, too, it is no easy matter for me to see our family phy- sician. Dr. Philtre, to get him to prescribe for me every time I am ailing. Sometimes, when I go to the post-office for my letters, I avail myself of the opportunity to call on him for medical advice. It is surprising how well he un- derstands the nature of my complaint. His prescriptions I have no hesitation in following implicitly. In these Maine- law days how good a thing it is to find, not only a conscien- tious, but an accommodating physician, as is my friend, Dr. Philtre ! Notwithstanding these, and certain other little drawbacks upon the liberty of a husband, yet it is a fine thing to be a married man. To find one's self the head of the house- hold ! To sit at the top of the table, opposite one's wife, and carve ! Sometimes, at my boarding-place, when the 8 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. white-haired old gentleman who occupied, by courtesy of the landlady, this post of honor, was absent, I have been invited to take his place ; but it was always with a degree of nervousness which rendered the position anything but agreeable. Now, however, it is different. Seated at my own board, with only Mrs. Gray to watch me, I am fast becoming a skilful and scientific carver. To be sure, on Thanksgiving Day, when a young physician and his wife took dinner with me, I managed to deposit the turkey I was carving upon the floor ; but that was entirely owing, I believe, to the fork slipping from its proper place, and not in any degree to my awkwardness or lack of skill. It is, as I said before, a fine thing to be a married man. There is a prospect in the future before him, which the bachelor can never behold ; or, at least, is seen by the lat- ter only as through a glass, darkly. I refer to beholding in one's house what the poet calls " a well-spring of pleas- ure." I took the liberty of saying as much to Mrs. Gray. She replied, " that I would much oblige her if I would re- frain from ever again alluding to that subject." Since then I have, with one exception, passed over the matter in si- lence. About a year since I wrote a little story for one of the newspapers, entitled " My Children in Utopia." Some of you, perhaps, may have seen it. Mrs. G. had not. One evening, as we were sitting comfortably before the blazing wood-fire, with a plate of apples and some cider on the table beside us, I chanced to think of this story, and, with little forethought, asked my wife if she had ever seen " My Children in Utopia." She answered, with some asperity and shortness, " No ! " adding, after a pause, " that, if they were in the place I said they were, she hoped they 'd stay there." It required nice management on my part to mol- lify Mrs. B. G. and satisfy her that I referred only to ficti- tious beings, creatures solely of my imagination. After I had read to her the story, she said it was very pretty, but that she wished, from the bottom of her heart, I would not write any more like it ! MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 9 Is it not a fine thing to be a married man ? To possess unlimited confidence in your buttons ; to feel certain that there are no holes in your coats no rents in your panta- loons ; to be able to put on your stockings without stopping to darn them ; to have warm water to shave with, and a looking-glass somewhat larger than a tea-plate in which to admire yourself ; to know you can have your favorite meat for dinner, and to possess the privilege of investigating the pantry just before retiring at night ; to find, when you come into the house, your easy-chair drawn up in front of the fire, your slippers lying beside it, and your dressing- gown resting on its back ; lastly, and best of all, to be greeted with a pleasant word, a sunny smile, and, if you are deserving of it, something more beside. It certainly is a fine thing to be a married man ; espe- cially if one lives in the country and keeps house. It is pleasant to have your friends visit you; and a breakfast in the country is delightful. It does n't cost much either to get one up : a pair of spring chickens, some fresh eggs, new butter, rich cream, Mocha coffee, and a few 7 light rolls, are all that are necessary ; and the pleasure you take in seeing your friends more than compensates you for all the trouble. Looking on the affair in this light, I took the liberty, shortly after I was married, without consulting Mrs. Gray in the matter, to invite a half-dozen of my bachelor friends to breakfast When I told Mrs. G. what I had done, I supposed she would be as pleased as I was with the arrangement. I found, however, the reverse to be the case. I had evidently committed a serious blunder. For, instead of a smile, I saw, almost, a frown. I began to fear the honeymoon was over. " Who," asked Mrs. G., " of all your boon companions, Mr. Gray, have you been pleased to invite?" When I had enumerated their names, she made some striking comments in regard to them. I had always thought they were good fellows ; but my confidence in them thenceforth was shaken. I wondered how I could 10 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. have been so blind to their numerous faults. It was cer- tainly astonishing. I was sorry that I had invited such men. Then, too, I found that I had selected for the oc- casion what my wife was pleased to term " washing-day." This is an institution which, in my bachelor calendar, was entirely unknown, and is, I have since learned, purely of a domestic character. It may not be, perhaps, worth while to state all that passed between Mrs. Gray and myself at this lamentable period. Suffice it to say that the breakfast in question did not pass off as pleasantly as I hoped it would. The chickens proved to be tough ; the eggs were boiled at least three minutes longer than they should have been ; the butter lacked salt ; the rolls were undone ; only the coffee merited praise ; and, to crown all, my wife was afflicted with a nervous headache that morning, and, conse- quently, did not make her appearance. After breakfast, when I took my friends out to the barn-yard to show them my fowls, especially the " Old Red," I discovered he was missing. Upon questioning the black boy in regard to his whereabouts, he replied that he "guessed the gentlemen had eaten him for breakfast." This accounted for the par- ticular toughness of one, at least, of what I supposed were spring chickens. lie must have broken shell, however, many springs ago. I considered him the patriarch of the barn-yard, the identical " cock that crowed in the morn, to wake the priest all shaven and shorn," the chanticleer who was the envy of all other chanticleers in the vicinity, and the pride and glory of the hens for miles around ; who had spurs three inches long, and whose voice, in the early morning, rang out like the clarion trumpet. When my friend Frank took from his pocket a spur, which I identi- fied as belonging to my gallinaceous favorite, I felt that there was no longer any doubt as to what had become of him ; especially when Frank said he was preserving it as a memento of the breakfast which he had partaken, and also as a sample of what my spring chickens were capable of producing. MY MAJtRlED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. \\ It is scarcely necessary for me to add that I have given no more breakfasts to bachelor friends. I do not think that, in the long run, they will "pay" I fear, too, that Mrs. Gray does not regard them in a favorable light, else why did she have so severe a headache ? In consideration of these points, therefore, Mrs. G. and myself usually take this meal alone together. Yet, notwithstanding all this, I honestly believe that it is a fine thing to be a married MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. CHAPTER in. Dining out. Going home. Curtain drops. " Home, sweet Home." How a Husband feels. Little Black Boy. Our Barn. Angry Cook. Bells. Belated Dinner. Indignant Wife. Honeymoon returns. RECEIVED an invitation a day or two since, while in the village, to remain and dine with a friend. The person who invited me was one of my bach- elor companions. I regard him in the light of a brother. Even Mrs. Gray alludes to him in favorable terms. He never smokes, nor drinks, nor talks in a boisterous man- ner, nor laughs aloud, four things that my wife partic- ularly dislikes. Had he been one whom Mrs. Gray does not admire, I should have declined; as it was, I had no scruples or hesitation in accepting. We dined at the hotel, where we had a cheerful time, and afterwards passed an hour in pleasant talk. On my way home, as I neared " Hillside," I confess to feeling a little uncomfortable. I had told Mrs. Gray that I should be home to dinner. Living in the country, as we do, we have adopted country customs, consequently our dinner-hour is one o'clock. It was then for I looked at my watch just as I got in sight of the house three forty, according to railroad time. I did really hope that my wife had not kept dinner waiting for me. I feared, if she had, that it was spoiled. I said so to the old black horse, as he went slowly up the hill. I have no doubt but he understood me, for he pricked up his ears and gave his tail a fling, and whinnied as though he feared his oats were spoiling. I then remembered, too, that Mrs. Gray asked me, just before I started for town, what hour she should have dinner on the table. I had MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 13 replied, the usual hour. She said she was thus partic- ular in inquiring because she intended to have for dinner a favorite dish of mine, namely, chicken-pie. I had forgotten this when I accepted Frank's invitation, but now it re- turned to my mind most forcibly. I would have given much if I had not dined abroad. I fervently hoped that Mrs. Barry had not waited for me, but had herself quietly partaken of the noontide meal. I feared, however, I was hoping against hope. I was certain of this when, as I en- tered the gate, I saw the curtain drop at the bay-window. I knew, then, that Mrs. Gray was watching me from behind it. I felt that I was blushing, and it vexed me to know it. I assumed a careless air, and struck the horse slightly once or twice with my whip. I even essayed to whistle a stave or two of " Home, sweet home ! " I felt, though, that it was a failure, it sounded so much like " Hark, from the tombs ! " My wife usually opens the door for me on my return from the village. On this occasion, however, it remained obstinately closed. Fortunately, I was in no hurry to go in, so I followed my horse to the stable, and gave some directions, in regard to him, to the little colored boy who does the " chores." I spent some time in the stable and about the barn before I was ready to enter the house. It seemed to me exactly as if I were afraid to go in. I am not naturally a coward, nor even timid. I may be diffident and shy, but these feelings are entirely different from those I then experienced. I have no recollection of ever having had similar ones when I was a bachelor. I am satisfied, indeed, that it is only the husband who can thus feel. It took me a long while to make up my mind to seek my wife. Before I did, I sent the little black, boy in to get of Mrs. Gray some saddler's sewing-silk, intending, while I was in the stable, to repair one of the reins. When the colored boy came back, I asked him if Mrs. Gray had sent any message to me. He replied, " No ! " I confess I was disap- pointed. I had hoped that she would at least have asked 14 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. as to what was detaining me from her side. Her silence seemed ominous of evil. As a general thing, she is fond of rny society. I thought so before we were married, and up to this time I had fully believed it. I began to feel very badly. After a few minutes' consideration, I concluded to try her again. " She '11 be sorry," I said to myself, " that she did not inquire about me, and will wish she had ; I '11 give her another opportunity." So I sent the above-mentioned colored lad to her for some wax. This time lie did not come back. I grew weary of waiting for him. The sun was getting low and the air chilly. I feared I was taking cold. It was not comfortable in the barn. It appeared to me to be even colder than barns usually are. I think the cracks between the boards must be wider than can be found else- where. When I looked through one of them towards the house, I discovered the little black wretch sawing wood. I stepped to the door and telegraphed with my hand for him to come to me ; but he shook his woolly pate, and, showing his ivories, distinctly gave me to understand that I could not be favored with his presence, because, as he shouted, Mrs. Gray had set him to doing up his chores. I don't like to get angry. I don't think it conducive to health. Besides, I believe it, in a moral point of view, to be wrong. Yet I confess to feeling thus at that moment ; and my resentment covered the whole world generally, and that little darkey in particular. When, a few minutes thereafter, just as the hens were going to roost, I went into the house, I accidentally trod on that little black boy, and 1 must say I hoped he would cry, but he did n't ; he only grinned at me in derision. I made up my mind, then, to flog him the first opportunity. I hate little black boys. I think they suck eggs. Since my bachelor friends break- fasted with me, we 've been short of eggs. I took the precaution of entering the house by the back way. By so doing I escaped passing the room where I MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 15 knew Mrs. Gray was sitting, probably with the door ajar. In avoiding Scylla, however, I ran upon Charybdis, for, as I walked through the kitchen, the cook looked daggers at me. I think an angry cook is a terrible being. I believe my knees shook under me. I felt that a crisis was ap- proaching. Instead of entering the sitting-room, I passed directly to the library. The fire was out, and the room cold ; yet I sat down, and tried to read " Maud." It was maudlin, to me : I could make nothing of it. In a few minutes I heard some one come down the hall on tiptoe, and stop near the library door. I thought it was my wife, and nerved myself to meet her. I grasped tighter the arms of my easy-chair, and half in joy, half in fear, I waited for the opening of the door. But I waited in vain. Instead, came the sound of a bell rung by my ebony friend. I felt certain it meant dinner. I know well the sound, and can never be deceived. I may hear it any hour of the twenty- four, and to whatever meal it calls I am sure to be able to tell. There is a sharp sound to the breakfast-bell, which speaks plainly of coffee ; and a lazy tinkle to the supper- bell, which is equally distinct as to tea ; while the dinner- bell has a full round tone that tells unmistakably of roast- ed beef. As a usual thing, I " admire " to hear the dinner- bell, except when, as this did, it speaks of an overdone chicken-pie and a deeply injured wife ! I looked at my watch, and found it was five o'clock, I could not help thinking it was a fashionable hour for din- ner. As I entered the dining-room, I mentioned as much to Mrs. Gray, who already occupied her seat at the table. She wished to know whether I said that as a piece of pleasantry, or with an intention to insult her ! Of course I disclaimed all desire as to the last I felt that the honey- moon was again in danger of setting. As I anticipated, the chicken-pie was done rather brown. Had the cutting of it required much skill, I should have blundered in it sadly. It was lucky for me that there was no gravy to spil 1 16 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. on the cloth. I felt nervous. My hand trembled. I was very thankful when Mrs. Gray and myself were helped to the pie. When I came to offer Mrs. Gray what I supposed, from their appearance, were mashed turnips, she indignantly denied them, and said they were potatoes. "Yes, Mr. Gray, potatoes but boiled to pieces." There was a dish, however, which I felt sure contained sliced turnips, so, placing a spoon within it, I said, " You will at least allow me, my dear, to give you some turnips ! " "Turnips, Mr. Gray? They are beets, though their color has boiled away." I gave it up then ; and to whatever else I helped Mrs Barry, I took the precaution to point at, and ask if she would permit me to give her some of this. I was glad when the meal came to an end. It had been a silent one, though at first I tried to converse, yet, as Mrs. Gray re- plied to me only in monosyllables, I soon ceased to speak. In a letter which I wrote, just before I was married, to my brother-in-law, who lives " Out West, " I asked him what course he pursued with his wife when she was out of humor. He replied that, for his own part, he kissed her into good-humor, though an acquaintance of his pursued a somewhat different plan, and swore terribly at his wife. He did not himself know which was the better way, but thought I might discover by experimenting. I confess that his letter shocked me. I half suspected he was jok- ing, only he seldom jokes. Sc I "might discover by ex- perimenting " which was the better plan. I resolved, when I read his letter, that I would do no such thing. I would follow his course, and trust to its being a wise one. So now I determined to adopt it. When, therefore, we arose from the table, I took the liberty of kissing Mrs. Gray. The effect was magical. Smiles overcame the frowns, and the honeymoon returned in all its glory. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. I'/ CHAPTER IV. I propose a Christmas Dinner. My Brother-in-Law's Plan. Cost of a Dinner. A Cart-load of Turkeys. My Bachelor Friends. The Strangers I wished to invite. Mrs. Gray's Feelings. Explanation. The Dinner. Abeline. Act of Thankfulness. My Speech. Mrs. Gray's Opinion of it. My Modesty. DAY or two before Christmas I asked Mrs. Gray what she thought of our giving a Christmas din- ner, and inviting thereto a few friends. She re- plied that she had not thought of it at all. The tone of voice in which Mrs. Gray answered was not in the least encouraging. It sounded to me very like as if she had said, " No ! Mr. Gray ; a breakfast to bachelor friends is all-sufficient, without thinking of a Christmas dinner." Most husbands would have felt discouraged at this reply, and would incontinently have dropped the subject. But I was not thus easily repulsed ; so I continued, " Well, my dear, the affair is worth thinking about : a Christmas din- ner, remember, can be given but once a year." Here Mrs. Gray remarked that, for her part, she was glad of it. " Though, to be sure, my love," I continued, not "heeding her interruption, " every meal I partake of with you seems to me like a Christmas dinner." I noticed hereupon that Mrs. Gray smiled, though she said not a word. The smile, however, was a favorable one. In a letter I received, a short time since, from my broth- er-in-law, who lives " Out West," he wrote that, by a little well-timed flattery, he could persuade his wife, my respected sister, to yield many points, which, as Elder Sniffles re- marks, she had " set her face like a flint againsx." I 18 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. thought it well to adopt such a course with Mrs. Gray, and it was in pursuance of this plan, therefore, that I al- lowed myself so touchingly to allude to our solitary repasts. Whether I had effected my purpose I could not immedi- ately tell, for Mrs. Gray just then was called away by household duties. That evening, however, at supper, the subject was re- sumed by my wife saying, " If we give this Christmas din- ner, Mr. Gray, I fear we shall have nothing in the house for New- Year's Day. A dinner such as you would desire to set before your friends will cost money. It will be an expensive affair, and you know how ill we can afford it ! " It is as good as a small fortune for a man to possess an economical wife. I said as much to Mrs. Gray. She replied by handing me a bit of paper, on which, as she re- marked, she had figured up the cost of a Christmas dinner. I must say that I was astonished at the amount required. I had no idea that a quarter of the sum named would be necessary. I pondered on it : I became lost in calculations, and was only recalled to consciousness by something my wife said about cold coffee. After I had straightened my- self in my chair, and my cup had been replenished, I turned to Mrs. Gray and asked her what she proposed doing. In reply, she said, " Just think, my dear, of the many poor families who, with the money this banquet would cost, might be made happy by our sending each of them a turkey for their Christmas dinner, and yet we have one left for ourselves." After a little ciphering in my head, I found, to my surprise, that, at a cost of seventy-five cents per turkey, I could purchase with the above-named amount almost a cart-load. It would certainly be charitable, I thought, for me to follow out this suggestion of Mrs. Gray's; but Shen it is a pleasant thing to see one's friends around the Christ- mas board, to believe that they are happy, and, so long at least as the dinner lasts, consider their entertainers in a favorable light. I had thought of this dinner for some MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE, 19 time long before I mentioned the subject to Mrs. Gray. Somehow, I kept putting off speaking to her about it, just as though I dreaded doing so, and was afraid she would raise objections. Had I waited eight-and-forty hours lon- ger, there would have been no necessity for alluding to it at all, as Christmas then would have been over. As it was, I had deferred to the last minute introducing the matter to Mrs. Gray. I had even hinted to several of my bachelor friends, weeks previous, that such an affair was likely to occur at Hillside. Two or three, I knew, considered themselves as good as invited, and had casually asked me whether I had sent a Christmas order for wines to my wine-merchant, in town. It was provoking to think that, after all, they might have to go farther, and, perhaps, fare worse. I said so to Mrs. Gray. I think she was rather pleased than otherwise at the prospect before them. I felt that I had got myself into a dilemma. I saw that my wife was decidedly opposed to giving a Christmas din ner. I was certain that, if it came off, she would be pre- vented by a nervous headache from being present. But then, again, I knew that my friends would be dreadfully disappointed should it not take place, and, maybe, it might end in a duel. I told Mrs. Barry so ; but she laughed out- right, and said I need not fear them, and called them " ar- rant cowards." She added, too, that they were afraid of her, and I believe it, for they don't come out to Hillside to see me, half so often as they used to. My mind was fearfully perplexed in the matter, how to decide ; so I agreed with Mrs. Gray to let the affair lay over till the fol- lowing day. The next morning, therefore, at breakfast, I said to Mrs. Gray that the thing was settled ; and I felt that, under the circumstances, a Christmas dinner was indispensable. I saw that my wife was disappointed I will not say dis- pleased, for that is a harsh word at my decision. I no- ticed her hand trembled slightly as she poured out my cup 20 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. of coffee, and the ribbons on her morning cap fluttered more than usual. My own heart was troubled within me. I half repented of my decision. After a silence between us of some minutes, she asked in a faltering voice, which she strove, however, to steady, who she might expect to have the pleasure of dining with on the morrow. I replied that I thought of inviting Hiawatha and Maud, Mr. and Mrs. Sparrowgrass, together with Paul Fane, and Poca- hontas, the Chieftain's Daughter. Somewhat perplexed and astonished, Mrs. Gray remarked that she was not ac- quainted with these persons, and hoped, for goodness' sake, that I would n't invite a lot of strangers. " At the very worst, Mr. Gray," she continued, " I had thought to see two or three of your abominable bachelor friends ; and now, to have to entertain a whole raft of people who I am sure nobody knows, is altogether too bad, and I can't en- dure it. If I were as strong and healthy as some ladies are, Mr. Gray, it might be a different thing ; but subject, as you know I am, to nervous headaches, it is not right or considerate in you to expect me to entertain company." There were tears in my wife's eyes, as she made this little speech, which affected me to b.ehold : so I hastened to re- lieve her mind on the subject. " My dear," I said, " permit me to explain. I am joking nothing more. Don't you remember the poem about the Indian chief, Hiawatha, I read to you the other evening, when you fell asleep in your chair ? " My wife nodded her head. " And Maud, too," I continued ; "you have not forgotten her the young lady who has received so many invitations lately through the newspapers, to ' come to the garden.' I thought I 'd ask her to come to Hillside ; but now that I see you feel so badly about it, I won't send her the invitation." Mrs. Gray still remaining in doubt, I explained further. " In regard to Mr. and Mrs. Sparrowgrass, love, you know that they, like ourselves, are ' living in the country ' ; Mr. S., you will recollect, owns a 'playful horse,' so I thought like MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 21 enough he 'd be pleased to drive him out here, and bring Mrs. S. along." Mrs. Gray still appearing greatly per- plexed, I continued my explanation. " As relates to Paul Fane, why, I am free to confess, I know very little about him. I have merely seen his name mentioned in the daily journals, and, moreover, understand that Mr. Willis ac- knowledges himself to be his father. How this is, I cannot really say ; but perhaps Mr. Willis will himself fully ex- plain the matter to you. Of Pocahontas, the Chieftain's Daughter, however, I can simply say that she once lived in Virginia, and is a child of my friend, General Morris." It was surprising to me, at least, how very long it was before Mrs. Gray comprehended my joke. After I had rendered her these explanations, she expressed doubts in regard to the paternity of Mr. Fane and Miss Pocahontas, asking, while a blush mantled her cheek, how they came to bear names different from their fathers. I often grieve over Mrs. Gray's slowness in understanding a joke. That she is quick enough in some things, I am well convinced. Oc- casionally she makes a remark that, for brilliancy, sur- passes anything of which her husband is capable. Even after I supposed that all had been made clear to her, she astonished me by exclaiming that she was glad those strange people were not coming to Hillside, Christ- mas. So it turned out that Mrs. G. and myself partook of our Christmas dinner alone together. I was sorry, though, that my friend, the doctor, was not present to mark the improvement I had made since Thanksgiving-day in carv- ing the turkey which graced our round table. After the cloth was removed, I took the liberty of introducing on the table, with the coffee, a bottle of old Madeira. It was dur- ing the imbibing of the wine that I addressed my wife in a more familiar manner than I had ever before allowed my- self to do, namely, by her Christian name Abeline. At 22 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. the same moment I astonished her by seizing her hand across the table, and shaking it in a violent and unusual manner. Perhaps it will be as well here to state that, whenever I uttered her name during the evening, I re- peated this little act of greeting each time, to the increased wonder and delight of Mrs. Gray. In a private conversa- tion which I held with Mrs. G. during the watches of the night, I apologized for my conduct. And although she ac- cepted it, and said " it was highly satisfactory to her matri- monial feelings," yet I am half fearful that it was not alto- gether agreeable to her. As my wife, however, I consider that I have a perfect right to address her as Abeline. Her cousin, a young man fresh from college, rusticated, I hear, for misconduct, does not scruple, even in my presence, to call her so. Her family generally speak to her thus. Even some letters she receives bear that superscription, though all packages from dry-goods stores, etc., I notice, are marked distinctly " Mrs. Barry Gray." Why, then, I wonder, cannot I say Abeline ? I like the name and to my ears it has a most musical cadence. I think I shall adopt it altogether hereafter, and make it a household word. Before the night Christmas night closed in, and while yet the nuts and wine were on the table, after the health of the many uninvited guests had been proposed by me and drank, I made to Mrs. Gray, if I may take her word for it, a delightful little speech. It is barely possible that this gem may find its way, by and by, into the news- papers. My wife, when alluding to it at the " sewing so- ciety," a day or two thereafter, to a select circle of friends, including the parson's wife, convened in a corner, praised it very warmly, and said she thought it equalled, if it did not surpass, some sermons to which she had listened. I have, of course, my own private opinion as to its merits, yet I feel it due to my modesty to state that I think Mrs. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 23 Gray takes rather high grounds as regards its excellence. But if a generous amount could be raised by subscrip- tion among my many admirers, to defray the expense of its publication, I think I might be induced to let a noble-hearted public judge for itself as to its beauty and worth. 24 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. CHAPTER V. Mrs. Gray's Idea of a Sleigh-ride. My Brother-in-law's Rule. A Little Turn in the Yard. Who laughed ? Stylish Sleigh-bells. Fleet Steed. Mrs. G.'s Churchmanship. Picking Pockets. The Parson. Slightly Jealous. Original Remark. had a snow-storm at Hillside one night ; and the next morning, while at breakfast, I proposed to Mrs. Gray a sleigh-ride. I am happy to state that my proposal met with her entire approbation. " It is so nice, Mr. G.," said she, " to go bounding over the fleecy snow, behind a fleet steed, well wrapped up in buffalo-robes, hearkening to the merry notes of sleigh-bells, and breath- ing an atmosphere which, though cold, is yet delightful." It struck me that my wife's remark was slightly poetical. I was in the act of raising a cup of coffee to my lips when she commenced speaking, but I paused, with the cup in mid-air, till she had finished. Even after she had con- cluded, I remained in the same position, regarding her with astonishment. I paused so long she reminded me that not only was my coffee cooling, but I was spilling it on the table-cloth. Replacing the cup carefully by the side of my plate, and leaning slightly forward, I begged Mrs. Gray to repeat what she had just uttered in regard to " fleecy snow." Her only reply was, that I certainly was the most provoking man she had ever met. Most persons who know me will conclude from this that Mrs. G. has met but few men in her life. This, however, I have many reasons for thinking is not the case. In a private letter, written unknown to his wife, which I received, a few days since, from my brother-in-law, who MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 25 lives " Out West," he remarked he had, early in his mar- ried life, adopted the rule of never replying to, nor contra- dicting his wife, my respected sister, when she chanced to make assertions of a nature to cause him unpleasant feel- ings. I know 'that my brother-in-law makes a very good husband ; therefore, in many instances, I choose to adopt his rules as my own, and by so doing I reap a benefit. Instead, then, of replying to Mrs. Barry's last ungenerous remark, as some husbands would have done, I contented myself with praising the coffee, at the same tune handing to her my eup to be refilled. It is surprising how suscep tible to praise or blame, in the matter of coffee, is the excellent Mrs. G. In the present instance, what I said brought to her face one of the sunny smiles which, when I was a bachelor, had so great an attraction for me. I really thought my second cup, partly sweetened as it was by her smile, surpassed any former one of Mrs. Gray's preparing. I mentioned to her as much. She replied that it was all my imagination, for she knew it was neither better nor worse than that she usually gave me. I am inclined to think, notwithstanding this assertion, that there was an extra egg used to settle the coffee in question. In resuming the subject of a sleigh-ride, my wife asked me where we should go. I replied I thought the village as good as anywhere. She said she thought so too. This point being settled, I ordered the little black boy, whom I suspect of sucking eggs, to harness the " sorrel " to the cut- ter. "And," I added, " put some straw into the bottom of the sleigh ; and bring out the buffalo-robes ; and don't forge! to put the bells on the horse." The little black boy gave me to understand that he would faithfully attend to my in- structions. When he had retired, I told Mrs. Gray my suspicions in regard to him. She had herself, she re- marked, noticed the small number of eggs the boy brought in from the hennery, but she supposed that it was owing to some of the hens ceasing to lay. " If the egg crop 26 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. should fail entirely, Mrs. Gray," I said, "it would be a very bad thing." She replied that she guessed I would think so, if there were none to settle the coffee with. I resolved thenceforth to watch that little black boy more closely. I felt that it would be very wrong for us to be without eggs. Somehow, too, I was sorry that the "old red" was dead. Not that I connected him exactly with the " egg troubles, " but because I thought that on a farm one ought to have an " old red." Being ready a few minutes before Mrs. Gray, I thought I would take a turn in the yard with the horse and sleigh, before starting for the village. Our yard is a good yard for the kind ; but there are two or three old stumps, stand- ing here and there within the enclosure. I suggested, several times during the past summer, to Mrs. G. that it would be well to eradicate these aged stumps from the lawn, as they disfigured it sadly. My wife, however, thought otherwise. " They are nice," she said, " for vines to clamber over." I found, on the present occasion, that they were slightly in the way. Being hidden from sight by the snow, I accidentally drove upon the largest of them, and in consequence I was turned out of the sleigh, and nearly smothered in the snow. When I got up, I looked like a polar bear ; and I am sure I felt just as savage. I thought, too, I heard some one laugh. I turned around to see who it was who dared to laugh at me ; but there was nobody in sight except the little black boy ; and he, with his face from me, was busily engaged in cutting pump- kins for the cows. I concluded, then, that it was a young rooster out at the barn trying to crow. I don't like incip- ient chanticleers, unless they are broiled. One " old red " would be worth a dozen of them. When I went into the house, after leading the horse back to where I started from, Mrs. Gray asked me what I had been doing. I replied, " I have been taking a little turn in the yard." As Mrs. G. and myself rode past, I MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 27 pointed out to her the exact spot where I took the turn. She said that it did not surprise her, for I was such a rash driver. She professed to be glad, however, that I was not hurt. She supposed though that one of these days 1 would be killed I was so reckless. Just then one run- ner of the sleigh went into a hollow, and Mrs. Gray, grasp- ing the lines from my hands, caused the horse to swerve a little, and over we went. After we had scrambled up, and I had righted the sleigh and placed Mrs. G. within it, she commented freely on my manner of driving, laying, woman-like, all the blame of the turn-over on my shoulders. We had proceeded but a short distance from the scene of our late disaster, when Mrs. Gray called my attention to the singular sound the bells sent forth. It was something entirely different, I thought, from what sleigh-bells are capable of doing. At my wife's request, I stopped the horse, to examine into the matter. To my surprise, I dis- covered that, in addition to the appropriate string of bells, the large house-bell and a smaller table-bell were ingen- iously fastened upon the neck of the horse. I told Mrs. Barry what manner of sleigh-bells we had, and, to my as- tonishment, she laughed till I thought she would fall out of the sleigh. She said they were very stylish. For my own part, I was indignant. I had great difficulty in undo- ing those bells. My fingers got very cold ; and I think that I had very wicked thoughts in my heart regarding 0111 little black boy. But I thought it best to do nothing rash : I determined, however, to make him wear one of those bells around his neck for a week. When I told Mrs. Gray how I should punish him, she replied that it would be hard for her to hear the noise of the bell, but that she thought the boy himself would be rather pleased with it. " Where," said I to Mrs. Gray, as we entered the village, "shall I drive our fleet steed?" It may be as well to mention, that the " fleet steed " here referred to is what some would call a good family horse : one warranted to 28 Mf MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. stand without tying ; one never known to jog faster than five miles an hour ; and which a child of tender years can manage. The time he makes on the road between Hillside and the post-office, a distance of three miles, varies from one to one and a quarter hours, though I have, when I thought dinner was awaiting me and I feared Mrs. G.'s displeasure, accomplished the distance in forty-five minutes. But this is of so rare an occurrence as scarcely to warrant me in saying that he could do the like again. To the question propounded at the beginning of this paragraph, Mrs. Gray replied, without hesitation, " To the parsonage." Of course it pleases me that my wife admires and loves the church. I have no objection even to her taking an active part in the " sewing circle " which is connected with the same. The interest she manifests in the prosperity of the parish school is, moreover, deserving of praise. En- gaged, as the vestry is at this time, in raising funds to enable them to erect a very tall spire on the new church, it may be excusable in her to lighten my pockets, as she does every night, of any superfluous change which may chance to be in them ; but after allowing all this, I do not perceive the advantage derivable of visiting the parsonage as often as Mrs. G. proposes. I have no hesitation in say- ing that I am myself a great admirer of the parson. I am indebted to him for several good things. When I was quite an infant, he baptized me. I shall ever be grateful to him for this. Then again, after I had arrived to man- hood and began to be regarded as a bachelor, he performed another act, which it will be impossible for me ever to for- get. I allude to the ceremony which made Mrs. Gray my wife. How grateful I am to him for this, I will not here say. I sometimes think that Mrs. G. is more grateful to him for this little act than it is really necessary for her to be. I was glad, therefore, when we called at the parson- age, to find that the inmates were abroad. I mentioned as much to Mrs. Gray. She replied that it was very wicked in me to say so. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 23 As we slowly rode back to Hillside. Mrs. G. occupied the time with a little discourse or, as I called it, sermon on jealousy. An original remark that she made, beginning thus, "Trifles light as air," and closing with the words "holy writ," was, as she said, pertinent to the occasion, and, she added in conclusion, she hoped I would profit by it. Several days have elapsed since the above recounted sleigh-ride came off. The little black boy is expiating his offence by wearing a bell, as I proposed ; he seems rather proud of it, however, and feels the punishment most when Mrs. Gray insists on his muffling the clapper : this I kindly allow him to do in consideration of her headaches. I am myself profiting by the original remark of Mrs. G., and have so far overcome my feelings as to invite the parson to a little tea-party at Hillside, which is set down for next Monday evening. 80 MY MARRIED LIFE A T HILLSIDE. CHAPTER VI. Mrs. Gray's Excitement. What occasioned it. Upon the Hay.^ My Audience. His Opinion. Fire and Smoke. Oh, Abeline! Mrs. G.'s Remarks. A Poem or a Sermon. The Poem. RS. GRAY returned from the village, a few clays since, in a high state of excitement. When Mrs. G. becomes thus, which I am happy to say is seldom, I notice that the little black boy performs his " chores " with great celerity and exactness. On the pres- ent occasion he was unusually brisk in his movements. Even the fat cook in the kitchen stepped very lightly in her shoes. The farm-dog, Watch, who considers himself, I think, an important member of the household, I perceived making his exit from the backdoor, with drooping tail and crestfallen air. Immediately after noticing this state of things, I retired to my library, and commenced writing a letter of inquiry to my brother-in-law, who, as I think I have mentioned in former chapters, lives " Out West." I experienced, however, great difficulty in concentrating my thoughts on the letter in question. It appeared to me as though I was in some way connected with the cause of the house-warming then taking place. I wondered what the trouble was all about. My excellent wife had said nothing to me by which I could infer that I was, even in the most remote manner, connected with the present difficulty ; but I augured from certain looks she gave me that I was. after all, at the bottom of the mischief. It is astonishing how soon a man, after he becomes a husband, learns to interpret aright the side-looks and glances which he is apt now and then to receive from his spouse. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 31 "When Mrs. Gray, therefore, entered the library, I felt slightly uncomfortable. Nor was this feeling in the least toned down when she abruptly remarked that she never thought I would be guilty of doing such a thing. " What thing, Mrs. Gray," I humbly asked, " do you refer to ? " " Why, writing those Hillside Sketches, Mr. Gray," she replied. " You know well enough," she continued, " how little truth there is in them, and yet everybody in the whole world will . believe every sentence you have written." I was completely thunder-struck. I had no idea that my wife would ever have learned aught concerning them. I had not thought that any one within a hundred miles of Hillside would be likely to get hold of the papers contain- ing them. It struck me, at the moment, that the " Home Journal," in which they were published, must possess a very wide circulation. The copy I receive I am particular to hide from Mrs. Gray. I generally retire to the barn when I read the numbers. I have a place up high on the hay where I sit. It is there that I keep the papers on file. The little black boy knows the exact spot I am in the habit of reading them to him up there. He is my audience. He was so tickled with what I wrote about his sucking eggs that he tumbled off" the hay upon the floor ; but, as he struck on his head, no harm ensued. When, at Mrs. Gray's earnest request, I gave up smok- ing in the house, it was to the hay-mow that I retreated. Here, with my cigar and newspaper, I passed many pleas- ant hours. Being questioned by Mrs. G. one day as to what I was doing in the barn, I replied that I was smoking. I may as well here confess that what I then heard in re- gard to setting barns on fire, effectually deterred me from carrying out my smoking arrangement. Since then, when- ever Mrs. Gray asks what is engaging my attention in that cheerless barn, I reply that I am hunting for eggs. I felt satisfied in my own mind that she did not know about these letters. So that when she made the attack on me, as men- 32 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. tioned above, I was utterly unprepared to reply. It took me some time to collect my scattered thoughts. At first I could but murmur " Oh, Abeline ! " This I repeated some five or six times. Afterwards I said, distinctly and with great emphasis, " Mrs. Gray, don't." Mrs. G., however, I am sorry to say, paid no attention to my request, but con- tinued her remarks, saying, " Yes, Mr. Gray, it is not pleas- ant thus to have one's domestic privacy published to the world, so that all our acquaintances may know exactly what we are doing at Hillside. Why could n't you, Mr. Gray, if you would write these letters, have adopted some name, and not paraded Ba.rry Gray at the head of each of them ? Never, Mr. Gray, in all my life, have I been so shocked as I was this afternoon, when a gentleman, a banker, Mr. G., said that he was sorry we did not give the Christmas din- ner at Hillside, as we proposed. At first I thought one of your bachelor abominations, who had lost a good dinner, had reported some story about it ; but when he asked me if I had been troubled lately with nervous headaches, I tell you, Mr. Gray, I was angry enough. I wished to know what he meant ; and then out the whole thing came. He found the papers for me, and there, in his office, J read them. When I had finished them, I told him I thought that they were just the meanest things I had ever read. He replied, he thought so, too : adding, also, that everybody in the village had seen them, and pronounced them ' quite idiotic.' " I could bear this no longer ; so I interrupted Mrs. Gray by saying, " Allow me, Mrs. G., to differ in regard to what everybody pronounces them to be, and to declare that I consider them remarkable produc- tions ; and in this opinion, my dear, I am sustained by our little black boy." " If," commenced Mrs. Gray, in a softer tone, thinking that, perhaps, my feelings were hurt by what she had said, "if you would write some poetry, similar to that you used to write before we were married, love, and have MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE 33 it published, why I think that would be something worth while. Or, if you would compose a good sermon and pre- sent it to the parson, at his donation party, that, too, would be worthy of your attention ; but don't, for goodness' sake, Mr. Gray, write any more letters from Hillside." Before I had time to answer Mrs. G., she was called away to attend to some household affairs. I was glad of it, for it gave me an opportunity to write in a style which I knew would please her, and at the same time be a source of delight to myself. She desired some poetry, and I re- solved that she should have it. After a few minutes' con- sideration, I composed, much to my own satisfaction, the following lines, addressed TO OUR LITTLE BLACK BOY. Come hither, little black hoy, For once let us agree ; What dost tliou most in life enjoy ? Reveal the truth to me. Art thou most fond of gay attire, Blue jackets, waistcoats red ? Or doth thy boyish mind aspire To own a horse and sled ? Say, art thou proud of doing " chores " About my Hillside home ? Or hadst thou rather out of doors,. Through woods and meadows roam ? Dost like full well, thou simple one, Amidst the hay to be, And, all thy morning's labors done, Learn there thy ABC? Or hadst thou rather plague the cook ; Or tease old Watch, so brave ; Or skate upon the frozen brook ; Or strive the cat to shave ? 84 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. No, no ; these things, my darkey boy, Though dearly prized by thee, Are not what most thou dost enjoy, Nor most displeasest me. But this it is know all my friends ! Thou 'dst rather lose thy legs, Take up with life's stray odds and ends, Than give up sucking eggs. When I had completed this admirable poem, I invited into the library my excellent wife, and, with considerable feeling, read it aloud to her. She did not, however, com- pliment it as highly as I hoped she would. She said that it was not quite the thing she expected. She thought something more sentimental something more partic- ularly addressed to herself, as my wife would be prefer- able ; but she added that it showed a desire on my part to please her, which, in itself, was gratifying. Of course I shall write no more Hillside Sketches, un- less the Editors of the " Home Journal " will promise me not to send their paper to this part of the country ; as it would never do for Mrs. Gray, subject, as she is, to nervous headaches, to find any more papers containing my produc- tions. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 35 CHAPTER VII. Bin Gray visits her Mother. My Sorrow. I invite a few Friends. The Cook's Exodus. Elevation of the Little Black Boy. Equestrian Sports. My Regard for Mrs. G. The Poem. S. GRAY, my esteemed wife, has gone to visit her mother. I expect Mrs. G. will be absent from Hillside a month. When I went with her to the retired place where her mother resides, I had the forethought to inquire if the " Home Journal " was re- ceived there. To my surprise, I found that the paper was unknown in that vicinity, for the reasons that there was no post-office there, and that my wife's mother was the only person in the place who could either read or write ! Hence I resolved that, on my return home, I would write one or two additional Hillside Sketches. I am certain that Mjs. Gray will not see them during her absence ; and as soon as she comes back, I will let her know about it. I question not but her joy at meeting me will be so great that she will willingly overlook the circum- stance. Of course I deeply regret the absence of my esti- mable spouse. It was painful for me to consent to her going. I felt, though, that it was my duty. Our family physician recommended it. He thought a change of air would be of benefit to her. I trust that it will be the means of effectually curing the nervous headaches to which she is subject. I found it very lonesome at Hillside the first few days after my wife's departure. I missed her very much indeed. I kept her daguerreotype constantly opened before me, 86 MY MAKRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. when I was in the house during the day ; and at night I slept with it under my pillow. I found it to he a source of great comfort to me. The little black boy, too, missed her exceedingly. He complained one morning to me of the coffee the cook gave him. He said it was not as good as that Mrs. Gray made. I believe he was right. I ventured to call the cook's attention to the matter. She told me, somewhat abruptly, that if it did n't suit me, I had better make it myself. I made no reply to this, but walked out of the kitchen in a very dignified manner. I remembered that my wife said to me, just before she left home, I had better not have any words with the cook ; and this is the reason why I kept silent I never regretted any one's absence more than I did Mrs. Gray's. At first, I was very low-spirited. On the third day, my usual cheerfulness returned. So I rode down to the village, and invited several of my bachelor friends to stay with me during Mrs. G.'s absence. All, to a man, accepted my invitation. They were particular, however, to inquire the exact length of time Mrs. Gray would be absent. They came up from the village with me that even- ing to tea, and remained till after breakfast the following morning. They have done the like every day since. We have fine times together. We' call ourselves "the happy family." My friends have the run of the house, generally, and the larder in particular. They kept the cook very busy. She was in a state of constant excitement. The fourth day after their coming, she left, with her bandboxes, for parts unknown. I did not consider this kind. When Mrs. Gray hired her, it was with the understanding that she should give us a week's warning before she went away. She did not, I am sorry to say, fulfil her contract. She stopped work in the middle of her month. Moreover, she overdrew her slender salary by two and sixpence, the night previous to her departure. I could not conceive why, on the following morning, the bell for breakfast was not rung. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 37 At length I requested my friends to accompany me in a body to the kitchen, that I might hear the reason. From the little black boy we learnt, to our surprise, the state of the case. I immediately took prompt measures to get up a breakfast. I raised the little black boy, somewhat against his inclination, to the situation of cook. Should he follow that vocation a series of years, I have no doubt but that he would improve considerably. There is room, at all events, for it. Still, everything considered, I think we live quite well enough at Hillside. We have a pair of chickens every morning for breakfast ; we cut a ham twice a week ; we follow up the hens that lay eggs, very closely ; we are ex- tremely lavish with the cream ; we use the butter with a liberal hand ; there is no end to the buckwheat cakes we eat ; and, in the matter of coffee, why I forget the exact number of pounds consumed per day, but it is a large quantity. After the cook's departure, I found it quite a job to feed the work-hands ; so I gave them a week's holiday. Of course, the horses would stand idle in the stable, only I allow my friends the use of them, in going to and from the village. When we go down on horseback, we make quite an imposing appearance. The first time we rode into the village, the small boys shouted to each other that the circus had come. We generally go out of our direct course a short distance, that we may pass by the Female College. It is my opinion that the young ladies in that institution are pretty well off in the item of white handkerchiefs. I some- times think that I should like to have Mrs. Gray behold us. I believe she would be slightly astonished. I am not altogether satisfied, in my own mind, however, that she would be fully pleased to see us. I think my friends, if it were put to vote, would object to meeting her. I trust that she will write me when she is ready to return home, so that I can meet her at the depot I should like, too, to have the house well aired, so that there shall be no tobacco-smoke 88 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. lurking in the corners of the rooms. I should like, also, to find a good cook, who will take the place of the late de- parted one. There are several other little things which it would be only proper and decent in me to attend to, prior to Mrs. Gray's return. I do fervently trust that she will not come upon me unaware. I pass the greater 'part of each day in the village with my friends. We take a slight repast at the " Arbour," about noon ; but we save the bulk of our appetites till we return to Hillside, in the evening, when we partake of a hearty supper. We have rather exciting times going home. We get up private races on the road. My tall friend, Mr. P., on the pony, generally wins the race. It is a treat to see him assist the pony over the ground. When my tall friend asked me what I thought of his riding, I replied it was my opinion that six legs were even better than four. In this opinion I was fully sustained by my other friends. I am sorry to say that I enjoy my present course of life very much. It seems to me as though my bachelor days had come back. I should not like, however, for Mrs. Gray to know the extent of my feelings in this matter. It is not probable she ever will. I believe that I am a very good husband to Mrs. Gray. It certainly is my intention so to be. I have written Mrs. G. several letters since I left her at her mother's residence. I have also addressed some verses to her, which I think will gratify her. 1 like to gratify my wife. I think it is the duty of every husband to gratify his wife, to a certain extent If I can please Mrs. Gray by writing poetry, why, I will write reams of it, provided I have that much paper. Before I sent the lines in question to Mrs. G., I took the precaution of reading them aloud to my bachelor friends. The few amendments which they suggested, I readily made ; and when I had done so, they individually expressed themselves highly de- lighted with the production. Simply to oblige them, and because they insisted on my doing so, I have included the MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 3 lines in the present chapter. I am free to confess that, as a poetical composition, it falls far short of a great number of chance poems which I have read. I may be allowed to say, without overstepping the bounds of that modesty which hedges me about, that it is far from approximating, in point of excellence, even to some former pieces from my Muse. The postscript, which was added by my friend Frank, seems to me equal, if not better than the verses preceding it. In fear and trembling, then, I confide these precious lines into the hands of the printer. TO MY ABSENT WIFE. There is a grief within my heart, A sorrow in my brain, That opuses foolish tears to start, And fills my life with pain. It came the very hour you passed From out my loving sight ; And, till we meet again, 't will last, To shroud my soul in night The brightest day to me is dark ; No evening shows a star; And all too well my pulses mark How long the moments are. I walk about our Hillside home, And listen for your voice ; But ah ! no music tones will come, To make my soul rejoice. I cannot enter any room, But something there I view, Which, though it fills my heart with gloom, Reminds me, love, of you. Some trifle, which your gentle hands Once worked, and laid aside ; The very collar, and the bands You wore when first my bride. 40 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. A bit of edging, dropped by chance Upon the chamber-floor; The mirror which your sunny glance Has idly wandered o'er. A dainty ruffle you had worn Around your throat so fair ; The verj' spot where, night and morn, You kneel in silent prayer. These things, and more, my darling wife, Bring freshly to my mind Our early days of wedded life, Left far, alas ! behind. 'T is dark all dark around me, now, Since you, my pride, have fled : And I go tip and down the house, Like spirit from the dead. I do not laugh I scarcely speak My appetite is gone ; The red lias vanished from my cheek, And I am quite forlorn. My whiskers go untrimmed, my dear; My hair is turning gray ; And soon my friends will mark, I fear, My buttons giving way. Indeed, I live a hermit's life, And shall, till you come home. Few men appreciate a wife Until abroad she roam ! Then, oh ! return, my precious one ; Yes, hasten, love, to me ; And all the sparkling things I 've done You will be pleased to see. POSTSCRIPT. Still, if your mother wants you, dear, With her you 'd better stay, Until the spring-time of the year ; Then come to BAKKT GRIT. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 41 CHAPTER VIII. State of Mrs. Gray's Health. The Party. Frank as Mrs. Gray. Stam- pede of Bachelors. The New Red. The Little Black Boy's Friend- ship. His Cooking. His Tricks. Puns. Treating the Little Black Boy. HAVE received several letters lately from Mrs. Gray. She writes very encouragingly in regard to her health. The nervous headaches, to which she is subject, are, I am happy to state, not as severe as they were formerly. She says that she will be ready to return home in the course of a week, provided I will go for her. I have doubts as to whether I shall be able to leave the farm before next month. Affairs at home, I think, require my strictest attention. Besides, it would not be polite in me to say to my bachelor friends that they had better go down town again, for I expected Mrs. Gray home ; especially as I invited them to pass a month with me, and as yet but two weeks have elapsed. Moreover, it would be awkward for me to tell them to depart. They feel so much at home, that, really, I could n't do it It would be like turning my brothers out of the house. Then, too, we have plans to be consummated, of very pleasing character. I should not like to be obliged to give them up. At the earnest solicitation of my bachelor friends, I have consented to give a party at Hillside, and, in fact, have sent out the invitations. This little affair will come off, Deo vo- lente, on the evening of Washington's birthday. It will be, I suppose, a sort of bachelors' ball. My friends' names, as managers, appear on the notes of invitation. The guests are expected to come in fancy costumes. I alone, being 42 AfF MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. the host, do not intend to array myself in borrowed plumes. My friend Frank is to personate Mrs. Gray. He has shaved off his whiskers, and has purchased some flowing ringlets for the occasion. He is practising the character in private before me. The rehearsals are exceedingly amusing. For- tunately Mrs. G. did not take her party-dresses with her ; all other articles, however, of feminine attire, I have been unable to discover. I fear the cook carried them away. Frank has been obliged, therefore, to borrow from his large circle of lady friends many garments, which, if Mrs. G.'s wardrobe were larger than it is, I should have been happy to supply him with. When he returned from the village the other evening, he brought behind him, on horseback, a pillow-case filled with the necessary garments. Had it not been for my superior knowledge in the matter, he would never have gotten them properly on. So well did he look and act the part of Mrs. Gray, that my heart beat fast as I gazed at him. The little black boy, coming into the room at the moment, was fearfully astonished. He turned quickly about at the sight, and running down-stairs, told my bache- lor friends there assembled that Mrs. Gray had come, and they had better cut and run. There was considerable scam- pering among them, just then, and I was surprised to see them, through an upper window, making tracks for the gate. They were all bareheaded except one, and he had on my white hat, which had slipped down over his eyes. I thought, first, that the dog was after them ; then I feared the house was on fire ; and, afterwards, I wondered if the cook had returned. While they were endeavoring to un- latch the gate, I called to them, and asked what was the matter. My voice apparently reassured them, and, after a slight consultation which they held together, they came slowly and cautiously back all, except my tall friend P., who had scaled the gate and reached the foot of the hill. I may as well here state that we saw nothing of Mr. P for two whole days thereafter. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 43 Ever since the demise of tne " Old Red," I 've felt badly. It did not seem right to live on a farm with no Red to wake one o' mornings. The crow they get up is a peculiar one. I honestly believe that the cock Peter heard was red. After travelling about the country for weeks, in search of a chan- ticleer to take the place of the *' Old Red," I at last suc- ceeded in finding one. The old lady who owned him was sorry to part with him, he had been so long in the family, she said, that he seemed like one of 'em ; but the little inducement I offered, in the shape of a gold dollar, was all-sufficient to atone for his loss. When I inquired his age, the old lady took down a bundle of almanacs, and, turning to one of some years' standing, showed me the day, marked with a bit of red chalk, wherein, she said, he was hatched. Counting up the years on my fingers, I found they amounted to twelve. This I considered perfectly sat- isfactory. It is the age, too, of our little black boy. Of course, he and the " New Red " are great friends. In fact, they are intimate friends : so intimate that chanticleer has taught the lad to crow ; and the little black boy imitates him so perfectly that it is impossible to say which crows the more naturally. Sometimes I think the rooster excels, and then again I am constrained to award the palm to the Ethiopian. The other night, about twelve o'clock, the hour when all honest country folks are asleep, the whole house was alarmed by a series of Growings going on in the little black boy's apartment. Accompanied by all my friends, I marched resolutely up to his room. There I found the ebony youth, sitting on the cross rail of the bedstead, fast asleep, and crowing after the manner of the " New Red." I was in hopes that he would not be guilty of this offence a second time ; but there is scarcely a night wherein he does not arouse us with his untimely crowing. It is an old saying, that one good turn deserves another. I mentioned above that the rooster taught the little black boy to crow. As a set-off to this, I caught the little black boy one day 44 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. with a number of the " Home Journal " and my copy of Worcester's Dictionary, unabridged, in his hands, teach- ing the Red to read. My confidence in the African lad is returning. The hens appear to be coming in. Fresh eggs are quite plentiful. To what this state of things is owing, I can scarcely say. I think that the lines I addressed to the individual above referred to, and which I read to him one day in the barn, before sending them to the " Journal " for publication, had a good effect. I think by the time Paus comes, the supply of eggs will be large. It takes the little black boy to cook eggs. He gets them up for the table in a variety of forms. His favorite style is to scramble them. Any dish requiring considerable stirring, I notice, he " admires " to cook. Since I elevated him to the rank of cook, he has grown quite important. I discovered, the other day, that he was wear- ing one of my standing collars. I often see my boots going to the well when I certainly am not accompanying them. Coming home yesterday, quite unexpectedly, I caught the little rascal freshly lathered, and using my best razor on his sooty chin. The additional lathering he received, on account of this performance, however, was not applied to his face. While laboring under the excitement attendant on this correction, he struck, just before supper-time, for higher wages. I immediately checked his further demands by depositing him in a snow-bank. My friend Frank re- marked that I should have given him a check on a bank of violets, payable in the spring. My equestrian friend P. thought that I drew rather too taut a check-rein on the lad ; while Fred said that a negro's life was checkered enough under whosesoever reign he dwelt After having rained these witticisms on me, they very prudently retired to their rooms. I wish Mrs. G. had been home : I think she would have checkmated them all. When the little black boy had finished his chores for the day, and was preparing to go to bed, I called him into the MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 45 library and lectured him severely on his misconduct ; and, in conclusion, I asked him if he were not ashamed of him- self. To my surprise he distinctly gave me to understand that he was not ; adding that he only wished Mrs. Gray was home. His reply quite alarmed me. It sounded very much to my ears like a threat. I felt that it would never do for Mrs. G. to know everything that had taken place at Hillside during her absence. The knowledge might, I feared, be the means of bringing on again those terrible nervous headaches. So I resolved to adopt a more conciliatory tone with my ebony friend. I asked him if he slept warm, and told him to take an extra blanket from the closet as he went up-stairs. I also treated him to a slice of my own wedding-cake and a brandy peach, both of which he relished exceedingly. When he left me I heard him, as he passed through the hall, say to himself that this was pretty tall kind of feed for a little black boy. I feel satisfied now that I can depend fully on that child for a long time to come ; or, at least, so long as the cake and peaches last 46 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. CHAPTER IX. The "V illage Newspaper. Washington's Birthday Ball. Festivities at Hili side. State of the House after the Party. Loneliness. Cowardly Bachelors. Old Beaux. Keeping Pasch. A Rhymed Note of Invi- tation HE following notice which I clipped from the columns of the village newspaper, issued the Mon- day following the 22d of February, fully describes the little affair that came off at Hillside on that glorious day. It is written in the peculiarly happy style for which the editor is famous, and is remarkable for its candor and truthfulness. A desire on my part to lay before my read- ers a satisfactory account of the festivities at Hillside on that occasion, induces me to transfer the article in question to these pages. The demand in the village for the num- ber containing it has been immense, and though an extra edition was struck off, yet it has been found impossible to supply the call for it. I alone took thirty copies, and each of my bachelor friends twenty-five. The editor assured me, in a confidential chat which we held together in his sanctum, that he had made a very good thing out of it, and mentioned the exact amount he expected to realize by the operation. In a later number of his journal he pub- lished a very polite note, subscribed by himself and one or two other gentlemen connected with his printing-office, ask- ing me to repeat the ball, that is, give another one similar in every respect. For various reasons, mostly of a private nature, however, and, therefore, best known to myself, I have been obliged to refuse. The reason I gave him for MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 47 thus doing, and which may be called the public one, was, that the party or ball being a strictly birthday festival given in celebration of the birth of Washington, which anni- versary unfortunately occurs but once a year, I con- sidered, therefore, that it would be impossible for me to oblige him. I mentioned in my reply that I regretted this exceedingly, and concluded by quoting the following lines, wherein I substituted "Washington" for the name rightly belonging thereto : "Long shall we seek his likeness long in vain, And turn to all of him which may remain ; Sighing that Nature formed but one such man, And broke the die in moulding Washington." The community about Hillside kindly attribute the above lines to my Muse, and commend them exceedingly, but persons better acquainted with English poetry will have no hesitancy in naming the author. [From the Star Spangled Banner.] FESTIVITIES AT HILLSIDE. " We had the honor, on Friday evening the 22d Febru- ary, of making one of the numerous and fashionable com- pany assembled at Hillside to celebrate the anniversary of the birthday of General George Washington. By agreement, the invited guests met at an early hour at the Spread Eagle Tavern, where sleighs were in waiting to convey them to Hillside. The procession, when formed, made a most im- posing appearance. The village band marched at the head of it, discoursing most elegant music ; while the committee, Mr. Gray's particular bachelor friends, mounted on magnificent chargers, brought up the rear. The company all appeared in fancy costumes. We and our better half sustained the characters of Punch and Judy. It was, per- haps, because we felt bound to keep up the character we had assumed that, during the evening, we devoted so much 48 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. I time to imbibing our own particular namesake, which we found cold on the sideboard in the East-room. " But our attention was not exclusively confined to this noble beverage ; for we recollect dipping freely into the oyster-soup, likewise into the ice-cream and brandy-peaches. We are not totally forgetful of the tenderness of the boned turkey, or the excellent flavor of the venison. Of smaller items such as raisins, almonds, cakes, etc. our provident spouse brought home, in her capacious pockets, enough to keep the children feasting several days. It is not true, however, that we, ' OURSELF,' had our hat full of hard-boiled eggs when we left Hillside ; this is a base slander, and we cast it into the teeth of those who re- port it. " It would scarcely be delicate in us to particularize the persons present. We mention a few, however, who kindly have given us permission to use their names. Among the first, we noticed Frank, who, as Mrs. Gray, acted her lady- ship to perfection. We were received by him as we en- tered, and supposed that it was Mrs. G. herself; nor did we discover our error until late in the evening. Mr. H en- acted the part of ' Sam 's around ' in a most happy manner. Mr. C , as a locomotive, was powerful ; while the lady who hunsc on his arm as a 'tender,' was sweet. Messrs. O * P and S came together as the Siamese Twins ; the deception would have been complete were it not for the difference in their height. Mr. Gray's equestrian friend, P , appeared in the costume of a Highland chief, and produced a remarkable effect. These names are all that we are at liberty to mention. There are many more of whom we should like to have the public hear, but feel that it would not be safe for us so to do. We must not, however, forget the little- black boy, who was a feature of the even- ing, sustaining as he did the character of ' the New Red,' Mr. Gray's favorite rooster. It would be impossible to imagine it better done, even by the Red himself. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 49 " In bringing this slight sketch to a conclusion, we will simply add that the festivities were kept up till a late hour, and the whole affair most creditably sustained. Too great thanks cannot be awarded to Mr. Gray and the committee for their part in the getting up of this delightful party." Thus says the editor of the " Star-Spangled Banner." I feel and I mentioned as much to my friends that it would be needless for me, after transcribing this, to render any further account of the proceedings. " Enough is as good as a feast ; " and in connection with this remark, I will add that we had enough left, after our birthday feast, to keep us from famishing for several days following. It is astonishing to me how wasteful people are on such occa- sions. How utterly regardless, too, of soiling and spoiling one's carpets. There was no apartment but exhibited some little memento of the supper, a turkey-leg, a pickled oyster, a sandwich, a piece of cake, a bit of jelly, or some- thing else of the kind, was scattered miscellaneously throughout the house. The way the little black boy and myself worked during 1 the following week, " cleaning up," was worthy of a better cause. For my part, I feared that Mrs. Gray might return and find "things" around gener- ally, which would not prove very agreeable, I felt certain, to either of us. I am afraid, notwithstanding my efforts to the contrary, that Mrs. Gray will learn all about the party, and a number of other occurrences which have taken place at Hillside since her departure, which I should be sorry for her to know. I am beginning to wish, however, that Mrs. G. would come back ; I think I should like to hear the sound of her voice once more. I know that I should like to feel the clasp of her hand, and press my lips to hers again. I am getting lonely up here. Since the party, my bachelor friends have deserted me. They say the snow is so deep and the weather so cold that they can't- go to Hillside any 4 fiO MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. more I don't think the reason is a good one ; they used to come here when the snow was quite as deep, and tho weather colder by twenty degrees. No ! I believe that they are fearful Mrs. Gray will return home and catch them. I can't imagine why they should be afraid of Mr,. G. She never hurt any one of them. It is n't like her to wish to do so. To be sure, as a general thing, she does not admire them, and speaks of them, I allow, in a very un- generous manner. But that is nothing. My brother-in- law, who lives " Out Wjest," writes me that his wife, my amiable sister, used to act just so ; but after a spell sl:e overcame it. I think that in time my own wife will like- wise overcome it. At all events, I hope so. In the last letter received by me from Mrs. G., she named the day on which she should be home. A gentle- man, one of her old friends, she wrote, who was going to New York, would escort her to Hillside. I noticed in Mrs. G.'s letter that the word " friend " was quite blotted. On examining it closely, I found that some other word had been erased and friend substituted for it. I think the erased word was flames. Very likely *he is one of my wife's old beaux. I hate Mrs. G.'s old beaux. What business have old beaux to be travelling about the country with married women for, I should like to know ! If he comes to Hillside, I think I '11 give the little black boy a holiday, and suggest to him the fun of pelting Mrs. G.'s old flame with eggs. The little black boy will do it, I know. After all, I am sorry that Mrs. Gray will be home so soon. I think it would have been better for her health to have remained with her mother till after Easter. I have made some preparations for celebrating Pasch in the true Dutch style, with which, I fear, her coming may interfere. To be sure, I might celebrate the day in advance ; and then, too, a week-day would, after all. be the properest under the circumstances. I believe I shall adopt this plan ; and I will decide on the day before that which ushers Mrs. G. back MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 51 to Hillside. I will notify my friends, therefore, to that effect ; and, at the same time, I will send them, addressed as follows, A RHYMED NOTE OF INVITATION TO MY BACHELOR FRIENDS. Come up fro^m the village, ye bachelors gay; You 're welcome to Hillside this bright sunny day : Though the buttons be off of your shirts and your coats, And your chins all unshaven, and shaggy as goata. Come up, though your sisters may fret and may pout, And your fond mothers scold, when* they find you are out; Though your sweethearts, by turns, be both tearful and cross When they learn where you're going to celebrate Paus. Never mind what they do never care what they say But to Hillside repair without any delay ; For the liens have come in, and the eggs are quite fresh, And they 're better to-day than fish, pudding, or flesh. But don't be alarmed, you '11 get plenty to eat, For the larder is stored full of pastry and meat ; Fowls, oysters, and game the last from the West- My brother, who lives there, has sent me the best. And down in the cellar are bottles of wine, In original packages, line upon line ; With a barrel of cider another of ale, To keep our hearts mellow when sorrows prevail. I know it is wrong, in these temperance days, For me to be praising such things in my lays ; But a love for them runs through our family tree, From my grandfather Timothy downward to me. The evil, too, rests not so much in the glass Which we drain to the health of some favorite lass, As it does with ourselves, and 'tis yours as 'tis mine, If we drink to excess of the blood of the vine. Perhaps you would find, should you question me close, I partake of these things as a medical dose ; 62 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. For our family doctor is friendly to me, And prescribes them whatever my symptoms may be. Forgive this digression, ye bachelors gay ! It dropped from my pen in the easiest way ; And so, to return to my subject, I '11 add, To see you at Hillside will make me most glad. My wife, as you know, has departed from town, To visit her mother, the good Mrs. Brown ; And I, left alone, have invited you all To breakfasts, to suppers, and one little ball. And now, as a close to this season of fun, I propose a Paus dinner, and then I have done ; For Mrs. Gray writes me, come sun, wind, or rain, She '11 return on the morrow to Hillside again. Then, farewell, my bachelor friends, for a while : I shall dwell the next season in Mrs. Gray's smile, Be careful of all I may say, drink, or eat, And walk by her side with most circumspect feet. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 53 CHAPTER X. Mrs. Gray returns Home. Our Meeting. The Tall Man. Mrs. G.'a Commiseration. Her Discoveries. Bribing the Little Black Boy Finding Eggs. The Paus Dinner. Postscript. S. GRAY has returned home. The meeting be- tween Mrs. G. and myself was of an affecting character. I met my estimable spouse at the depot. She came on the night express. It was exactly fifty-five minutes past eleven p. M. when I was aroused from a short nap in which I was indulging, in the ' ladies' room," by the sound of the engine-whistle for the train to " break up." Three minutes thereafter I had the extreme felicity of welcoming Mrs. Gray. It is not necessary, however, for me to particularize the style of our greeting. Several of my bachelor friends, who were watching us from a safe distance, confessed to me afterwards that they quite en- vied me on that occasion. One of them, I hear, offered himself to a young lady the following evening. I regret to say, however, that she refused him. I understand that he speaks of that young lady now in terms anything but complimentary. I noticed that a tall man assisted Mrs. Gray to alight from the cars. I perceived, moreover, that Mrs. G. im- mediately took the tall man's arm. As soon as I could work my way through the crowd to where Mrs. G. and the tall man stood, I did so. When Mrs. Gray saw me, she withdrew her arm from that of the tall man and stepped forward to meet me. Then it was that what followed made my bachelor friends envious. 1 felt glad that the tall man witnessed our meeting. I thought at the time that he did 54 Ml" MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. not consider it an agreeable sight, for he immediately said, that, as he had Mrs. Gray's checks in his possession, he would see about her baggage. As I had no objection to his collecting together her trunks, I did not offer any oppo- sition. I simply directed the little black boy to keep an eye on the tall man, however, and show him the proper sleigh in which to place them. While I awaited the little black boy's return, Mrs. G. told me the tall man's name ; mentioning at the same time, seemingly in his behalf, that she had been acquainted with him a great many years. If there is anything I dis- like hearing about, it is of Mrs. Gray's old acquaintances. It does n't seem proper to me that my wife should have been acquainted with any one previous to her knowing me. It is n't pleasant to sit and hear another than myself speak- ing to Mrs. G. of events that occurred ever so long ago, before I knew her, and of persons whom I don't know and don't care to know. And now here turned up this tall man an old acquaintance, forsooth ! and who, as I mentioned in a former chapter, I more than half suspected to be one of Mrs. Gray's old flames. I believe I had a very wicked wish concerning him. When the tall man returned, Mrs. Gray introduced me. I told him I was happy to make his acquaintance ! When, shortly afterwards, I thought of these words, I feared that I had not told the truth. Just then Mrs. G. suggested to me, in a whisper, that it would be no more than polite to invite her friend to Hillside. To this I assented, but remarked confidentially to my wife that the cook had absconded a few weeks since. That settled the matter ; and Mrs. G. immediately thanked him for his kindness to her, and hoped the next time he visited E that he would not neglect to come to Hillside. As we rode towards home, I revealed to my wife, so far as I considered it prudent, the state of affairs there. She said it was very wrong in the cook to have deserted her MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 55 post. She wished I had informed her of it ; she feared I had fared poorly ; she simply wondered I was not starved ; she felt sorry for me ; she thought I must have been very lonely ; she greatly admired the " lines " I had sent her, and to show her appreciation of them, she repeated them aloud for my gratification. She asked how I had occupied myself in her long absence ? I told her that I had been studying Hebrew. She was astonished at it, and trusted I had not injured my health by too close application. I con- fessed to having invited one or two of my bachelor friends to dinner. Mrs. Gray thereupon said she was glad I had, for it must have been very tedious for me during her absence. Several times, as we rode along, I thought I heard the little black boy laugh. I think it wrong for little black boys to laugh at their superiors. Considering the exalted position which that little black boy has occupied since he became a resident at Hillside, and the daily examples of politeness he has witnessed, I am astonished at his rude- ness. Fortunately for him, I mean his laughter did not reach the ears of Mrs. Gray. Before we got home I had lulled my conscience into a state of security, but no sooner did we enter the house than my peace of mind vanished. The instant the front- door was opened, Mrs. G. detected the scent of tobacco- smoke. I felt then that I was a lost individual. I had ex- pended several dollars in the purchase of fumigating pow- ders, and for thirteen hours prior to my wife's return had distributed them liberally throughout the house. For my own part, I could detect every imaginable cdor except tha.. of tobacco-smoke. I think that Mrs. G.'s sense of smell is altogether too acute. The day after Mrs. Gray's return was one of consider- able excitement. The discoveries she made regarding the domestic economy which had prevailed at Hillside during her absence, were astonishing. She wished to know if I had been keeping a hotel ? The number of dishes broken 56 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. was immense. The loss, in the single item of goblets, was enormous. Five silver tea-spoons, four dessert and two table spoons, together with a silver punch-ladle, were miss- ing. Of course I ascribed their disappearance to the cook ; but Mrs. G. suspects my honest bachelor friends. Every carpet in the house, according to her views, is completely ruined. Where all the butter that she packed down has gone to, she can't imagine. She would think I had lived on ham and eggs, if she could discover any beef, or pork, or salt fish in the house. It would not surprise her to learn that my blood was composed four fifths of coffee ; and as for tea, I must have fed it to the chickens. She had hoped to have milk and cream, at least, in the house, but there was not a drop of either ; and the little black boy had informed her that the cows were dry. The cold meats and pies, however, which she found in the various pantries, " would keep," as she solemnly informed me, " a regiment of dragoons from starving for a month." When Mrs. Gray discovered in the corner of a dark closet, where I had hidden it, one of my old hats filled with hard- boiled eggs, her astonishment was unbounded. The shells of some of them were colored ; and the little black boy, when examined by Mrs. G. in regard to them, asserted that the hens laid them just as they were. I am afraid that Mrs. Gray will one day find out all that occurred at Hillside while she was at her mother's. The number of brandy-peaches and slices of cake I have been obliged to give the little black boy to keep him from telling tales, is telling upon his constitution. I fear I shall have to discharge him. He grows too fast. Each day my wife discovers something ruined or " miss- ing." The opinion which she entertains of the cook, as well as my bachelor friends, is anything but flattering. I sometimes think that warrants will be issued for their ar- rests. I hope none of them will think of visiting Hillside for the present. Last evening, when I returned from the MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 57 village, (I pass a good deal of my time in the village now- adays,) Mrs. Gray informed me that some one the cook she thought had had the audacity to wear her wedding- dress, and that there was a grease-spot on the front breadth, as large as a dinner-plate. I told her it was very likely, for I remembered of the cook's going to a wedding one night. Poor Frank ! if Mrs. G. ever learns the truth, I shall pity him ! The day before Mrs. Gray's return home, the Pans din- ner came off. The occasion was one of considerable interest. All of my bachelor friends were present. Sev- eral married men, old compeers of mine, eluding the vigilance of their amiable wives, graced my festive board. The speeches made were decidedly spicy. I regret that no reporter for the public press was present. The reading community, thereby, has lost many things of a brilliant character. POSTSCRIPT. Since writing the above, I have learned that the " Star-Spangled Banner " of the present week contains a glowing description of the Paus dinner. When I invited the editor of that newspaper on the occasion re- ferred to, it was with the express understanding that the dinner, being strictly a private affair, nor in the least affecting the interests of the village, was not, therefore, to be used by him as capital for his newspaper. There existed other reasons, too, which I confidentially explained to him, why it would not be politic to make the affair public. When he gave me his word, as " Editor of the ' Star-Spangled Banner,' " that he would keep mum, I believed him. I think now that he meant " Mumm," as I noticed he paid consid- erable attention, throughout the evening, to the champagne of that particular brand. The little black boy, whom I started for the village on one of the " chargers," for a copy of the " Star-Spangled Banner," has just returned, bearing with him the compli- ments of the editor, and a. hundred copies of the paper. 58 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. CHAPTER XL Paper Clothing. The Star-Spangled Banner's Report. Bill of Fare. In the Cellar. the little black boy returned from the village, with a basket filled with copies . of the " Star- Spangled Banner," Mrs. Gray, who chanced to be in the library, asked what I wanted with so many news- papers ? Her question took me by surprise. So I answered at random, that I proposed working them up into panta- loons for the little black boy. Hereupon Mrs G. regarded me with considerable astonishment, and, I noticed, took a step towards the door. I immediately explained to her that, by a simple, yet ingenious process, lately discovered by a Frenchman, very substantial clothing could be manu- factured from common newspapers. She replied that I was a very credulous man, if I believed any such thing ; that the newspapers were full of falsehoods, and that, for her part, she had no faith in anything they published. More- over, if I persisted in putting that little black boy into such a ridiculous suit of clothes, she should think I was crazy. She then left the room in a very agitated frame of mind. When I directly took up one of the papers, and read as follows : [From the Star-Spangled Banner.] CELEBRATION OF PASCH AT HILLSIDE. " Again we take pleasure in recording, in our valuable journal, an affair that came off at Hillside the afternoon prior to that on which Mrs. Gray returned home. The MY MAURI ED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 59 gentlemanly host, Mr. Gray, celebrated Pasch or, as the Dutch have it, Pans in the most approved fashion. It became necessary, however, for Mr. G. to have this little affair take place a few days before that on which Pasch falls. By referring to our almanac, we find that Pasch occurs, this year, on Sunday ; so that, after all, the course pursued by Mr. Gray was, perhaps, the very best. " It was about five o'clock of the P. M. prior to Mrs. Gray's return, that some twenty individuals, including ' OURSELF,' advanced towards Hillside. A portion of the company was in sleighs, the balance on foot We noticed that there was a good deal of snow about Hillside ; also, that it was, in particular localities, considerably drifted ; that the wind, which was blowing in our faces, was a little south of east, and that the thermometer marked twenty degrees above zero. It was tedious going, especially for the pedestrians ; but we persevered, knowing what was before us. At least, we 'OURSELF' did; for we printed the bills of fare used on the occasion, and carried one in our pocket We ex- amined, several times during the day, that particular slip of paper with considerable delight We marked with red ink several favorite dishes, of which we intended to par- take. WE expatiated profoundly to OUR wife, during the eating of a light lunch, of which we partook sparingly, at noon, on the good taste displayed in getting up this bill of fare. Aside from its gastric excellence, its worth as . specimen of typographical art is unsurpassed. We subjoin it for the approval of all who may wish show-bills, circulars, or notes of invitation, got up in style. . CELEBRATION OF PASCH AT HILLSIDE. BILL OF FARE. SOUPS. Oyster Soup. Chicken Soup. Pea Soup 60 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. FISH. Brook Trout a la Parson. Lake Trout a la Sam. Pickerel a la Black Boy. EGGS. Hard-boiled Eggs. Soft-boiled Eggs. Colored Eggs. Scrambled Eggs. Poached Eggs. Fried Eggs. Scolloped Eggs. Roasted Eggs. Omelette souffle'. Omelette, plain. Omelette aux herbs. Eggs aux naturelle. BOILED DISHES. Cold Ham. Cold Tongue. Turkey, oyster sauce. Beef a la Mode. Stuffed Capons. Leg of Mutton. SIDE DISHES. Oyster Pies Broiled Chickens. Pigeon Pies. Prairie Hens. Pates de Fois Gras. Ham and Eggs. ROAST DISHES. Turkey, Beef, Pork, Duck, Mutton, Bear, Venison, Bison. VEGETABLES. Mashed Potatoes, Potatoes Lyonnaise, Beets, Turnips, Onions, Parsnips, Rice, Succotash. DESSERT. Mince Pie, Apple Pie, Pumpkin Pie, Apple Fritters. Custards, Apple Dumplings, Quince Tarts. Plum Pudding, Tapioca Pudding, Wheat Pudding. Rice Pudding. Charlotte Russe. Ice-cream a la Fanny, Jelly a la Nelly. Floating Islands a la Mrs. Gray. Walnuts, Almonds, Raisins, Figs. Coffee. Cigars and Toothpicks a la Prigs. " At exactly six o'clock, the little black boy, throwing open the dining-room doors, announced, in a clear manly voice, that dinner was on the table. After we were seated, a very touching grace was pronounced by the Rev. Dr. Blank, when we immediately attacked the good things before us, which disappeared, under our charge, with wonderful rapid- MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 61 ity. After full justice had been done on all sides, the cloth was dexterously removed by the little black boy, and the wine generously placed on the mahogany. There were several speeches made by different individuals, including 'OURS ELF.' Many toasts were given; and several songs, of a highly effective character, were sung. We have an indistinct recollection of having either sung a song, or joined in the chorus of one, or else wept at the recital of some pathetic story, but we cannot, however, for the life of us, tell exactly which. Mr. Gray, we clearly remember, sung a comic song, composed by himself, entitled, ' Come, rest in this bosom, my own stricken dear,' the little black boy whistliag an accompaniment. The same little black boy, whose name we don't know, recited a short poem, the first verse of which only seems to have been preserved. It was written, we understand, by Frank. Some day we trust to be able to present it to our readers entire : FIRST VERSE. " You 'd scarce expect a darkey lad, Who, Topsey-like, don't know his dad, To come before this festive throng, With speech, or toast, or merry, song. " But it seems he did come ; and what he had to say, we are bound to affirm, was well said. We consider that youth to be a black diamond of inestimable value ; and we dis- tinctly remember drinking said little black boy's health at least a dozen times during the evening. "In closing this leading article of our paper, we feel called on to deny the accusation, made by some unknown person, to the effect that we lost our way returning home, and were found the next morning buried in a snow-bank near the Female College. Neither did we, as has been alleged, carry home, under our cloak, to our better half, a boiled ham and a bottle of champagne. No, these things, thanks to our paying subscribers, we have money enough 62 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. to purchase ; but we cannot afford to let our good name and deeds be trodden underfeet, like pearls cast before swine. " In conclusion, with feelings of the highest respect, we propose the following toast. Circumstances, purely of a prhate nature, made it inconvenient for us, on the day of the Pasch dinner, to offer it in the presence of the assem- bled guests. We regret this the more, for the reason that we gave a good deal of time to composing and polishing the same ; and our worthy spouse had prophesied that it would be equal to any other toast of the evening : MY TOAST OUR HOST. " May he never be, On land or sea, Without a sunbeam on his path, A cricket on his hearth ; A dollar in his purse, And a wife to be his nurse." So much for the " Star-Spangled Banner." I don't think that I shall ever again ask its editor to Hillside. It was with great difficulty that I could keep him out of the cellar. He came near breaking his neck several times, during the evening, by falling down the stairs that lead thereto. I can't imagine what he was after, unless it were cheese. To be sure I have an inner cellar, built during Mrs. Gray's absence, but the door of it is locked, and I keep the key in my pocket. Only my wine-merchant and myself know what it contains. I cannot but think, then, that he smelt cheese, and it was simply that that he wanted ; though it is all in the rat-traps, and I fear he would have had a difficult time getting it. Foolish man that he was ! MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. CHAPTER XII. Our New Cook. My Seriousness. My Gayety. My Wildness. The Round Robin. Mrs. G. at the Sewing Circle. Her Consideratene-is. Her Valentine. ;|8E have got a new cook. She is " a colored lady," 1 and traces her forefathers back to Ham. When Mrs. Gray came to question her closely, she dis- covered that they were both natives of the same village. They are, moreover, both acquainted with the same per- sons. The cook knows some of Mrs. Gray's old beaux. Mrs. G. was very much pleased when she learned this. She came straightway and told me of it. I remarked to her that she appeared to be as much delighted at the. cir- cumstance as if she had discovered a second cousin. She said that she was. I don't think I shall like the new cook. I fear Mrs. Gray will pass too much time in the kitchen, talking about her old flames. I spent many days looking up this " colored lady." The inhabitants of Slabtown began to view me with suspicious eyes. They feared I came for no good to them. It was with great trouble that I suc- ceeded in getting our new cook, and I should be sorry now if I were obliged to part with her; but then she must n't talk about Mrs. G.'s old beaux. Since Mrs. Gray's return, I have led a very exemplary life. No one would suppose, to look at me, that I was so lately a bachelor. On the contrary, my appearance denotes the married man of long standing. I have become very grave and dignified, too dignified, I think, for my own comfort. To please Mrs. Gray, however, I am cultivating. 64 MY MARRIED LIFE AT to an alarming extent, this quality in my character. I am already " as grave as a judge." I intend, at a future period, to become a candidate for a judgeship. There is a sternness in my manners which is appalling to the little boys whom I encounter in the streets. When, accidentally of course, I behold myself in the mirror, my looks remind me of one of my schoolmasters, who was noted for his severity. Be- sides all this, I am getting up a terrible frown, such a one as I have seen a great American tragedian employ with remarkable effect. I design using it on my bachelor friends, should I chance to encounter them during my pedestrian excursions with Mrs. G. At present, I am practising it on the little black boy. He does not, however, appear much to mind it. I am confident, though, that in the long run it will have an effect upon him. I overheard him, a day or two since, tell the new cook, that Mr. Gray looked awful. It is natural for me to be gay. Perhaps, during Mrs. Gray's absence from Hillside, I was rather too gay. To atone for this, I am now quite serious. I resolved to be so the very day Mrs. G. came home. When I informed her of this resolve, she said she was glad of it ; " for," continued she, " you know, Mr. Gray, considering your age, your ' wild oats ' ought to have been sown long ago." The next Sunday morning, when Mrs. G. assisted me at my toilet, she pointed out to me a gray hair amid my whiskers. I was greatly astonished at the sight, and immediately deter- mined to commence reaping the oats referred to by Mrs. Gray. After the month of dissipation which I passed, it is a great relief for me to sit down quietly by the side of Mrs. Gray, and read aloud to her, while she busies herself with her needle. It is very comfortable to be alone with one's wife. At my earnest entreaty, Mrs. G. has promised that she will not leave me again to visit her mother. This is exceedingly gratifying to me. When I informed my bache- MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 65 lor friends of her intention, they declared it to be " too bad." They even went so far as to address a " round robin " to me, expressive of their displeasure. I took the liberty of showing to Mrs. G. that little document. What she said in regard to them, I should be quite unwilling to repeat in their presence. As I anticipated and feared, Mrs. Gray has heard of nearly all the events which occurred at Hillside during her absence. As soon as she went to the sewing society of which she is an humble member she was duly informed thereof. Some, in whispers, revealed the matter to her, as they affirmed, purely from a sense of duty. Others, less conscientious, I suppose, spoke openly on the subject, and termed it a shameless affair. While one fair maiden lady advised Mrs. G. to apply for a divorce. When my wife mentioned to me this woman's name, I recognized her for an old sweetheart of mine, still remaining unmarried. I confess I was somewhat surprised, and, withal, pleased when I found how considerate Mrs. Gray was in regard to these matters. The manner in which she alluded to them affected me deeply. She spake " more in sorrow than in anger." Had Mrs. G. been at all excited, it is probable that an " unfortunate misunderstanding " would have arisen between us. The course Mrs. Gray adopted, however, was clearly the proper one. Better than any other would have done it touched my heart. In short, Mrs. G. felt that she herself was not altogether blameless in the matter. " My absence," as she sweetly expressed it, " was the cause of your loneliness. To dispel that loneliness, you invited a few friends to Hillside. Nothing improper in this, and, under the circumstances, Mr. Gray, worthy of praise." In my opinion, Mrs. Gray is a very remarkable woman. I admire and love her very much. In a confidential talk which I held with Mrs. G., during the watches of the night, she informed me that while at 66 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. her mother's she received a Valentine, containing simply these words, " When the cat 'a away, the mouse will play." From which she inferred that Mr. Gray was making the most of her absence ; so that she was not, after all, quite unprepared to hear of the events which occurred at Hill- side. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 67 CHAPTER XIII. My Life. Tribulation of the Little Black Boy. Quakerism. My Great- Grandfather. Mrs. G.'s Tears. My Readings. Wood-Choppers. Snow-Shoes. Perilous Situation. Something Hot. The Back Wa3'. 'rj T present it is extremely quiet at Hillside. Mrs. fe^VaJ Gray and myself lead a very peaceful life. Our G3&&& intercourse with the village is limited to the daily excursions which the little black boy makes on horseback. The post-office is his end and aim. He complained, how- ever, to me the other day, that the horse he rode persisted in stopping at the " Arbor." I remember that my bachelor friend, John, often rode the said horse during his sojourn at Hillside. He, doubtless, taught the animal to stop there. The little black boy feared that it would injure his reputa- tion to be seen going there so frequently. I told him then that he had better ride by without stopping. He replied that he had tried so to do, but could not, for the horse would, in spite of his efforts, stop at a particular post To appease the little black boy, I have given him the pony to ride. I am happy to state that the pony does very much better. My tall friend P. never went to such places. I really enjoy my present manner of life exceedingly. There is a repose in it which is quieting to one's nerves. I feel my Quaker descent naw very palpably. Occasionally I find myself using, quite unintentionally, the plain lan- guage. Abeline thinks that I utter " thee " and " thou " very prettily. She says it is a wonder I am not a " Friend/' I should be qne, I tell her, if it were not that my fore- fathers were sea-captains. As sailors, they learned to use strange words, and forgot the milder forms of speech their 68 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. mothers taught them. She thinks it a great pity. Peihaps it is. Then I told her this ANECDOTE OF MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER. " My great-grandfather," Mrs. Gray, " was, by birth, a Nantucketer ; but early in life he settled on the ' main- land.' After he had left the seas, and anchored his stanch, though weather-beaten hull in the city he helped to build, and which he saw rise from the primeval forest, he still kept an eye on the flying clouds, noted the state of the weather, and marked the changes of the wind. There were watchmen in those days, who, during the night, called aloud the passing hours ; and added, moreover, something con- cerning the weather, for the benefit of those who chanced to be awake, and to wake those who, perchance, were asleep. But this alone did not satisfy my grandfather ; so he paid the watchman a certain sum per month to shout aloud, in addition to this desirable information, directly beneath his chamber-window, the direction of the wind. I distinctly recollect when a lad," here Mrs. G. raised a finger and pointed to the single gray hair in my whiskers, which made me sigh, and wonder where all the years had flown since then, " when a lad," I continued, after a short pause, " of listening nightly to the watchman, crying aloud, for my grandfather's satisfaction, the fact that it was ' past twelve o'clock, and a cold, clear night ; wind nor' by nor'west.' " If the old man happened to be asleep, but, awakened by the familiar cry, did not quite understand the matter, he would rise from his bed, and, opening the window, call the watchman back, to shout the same thing over again ; but, on the contrary, if he were awake, and clearly under- stood it, the watchman was duly notified thereof, by my grandfather's deep but clear, ' Ay, ay, sir ! ' " When my great-grandfather, close on a hundred years, went out with the tide and a favorable wind, the boy who MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 69 long afterwards married Mrs. Gray missing the watch- man's nightly call, and the old man's quick reply, would turn restless and unsatisfied upon his pillow, till at last, overcome by weariness, he would weep himself to sleep." When I had finished, I saw traces of tears on Mrs. Gray's cheeks ; but she straightway brushed the marks away, and asked me if the above story were true. I replied I could refer her to very respectable parties, who would vouch for its truthfulness. She wished to know if my mother were one of those " very respectable parties." I said that she was. " Then," answered Mrs. G., '' I am satisfied that you have told me the truth." Soon afterwards I overheard Mrs. Gray relating this anecdote, with slight additions, to the Secretary of the Sewing Society, who just then called, for the purpose of notifying Mrs. G. that a special meeting would be held on the following evening. My wife, I am happy to state, did not feel inclined to attend. She said that she would rather remain at home to hear me read aloud. I felt quite flattered by this remark. Not that I think my wife appreciates, as she ought, my reading, for she invariably interrupts me in the most affecting passages, by speaking of something entirely irrelevant to the story which should be occupying her attention. If I remonstrate with her regarding her inattention, she promises me for the future to be more careful ; but, at the same time, remarks that she clearly understands all I have been reading. When, however, I examine her at such times in relation to the principal points of the story, she gives such a wonderful account of it, made up partly of what I have been reading, and partly gathered from her imagination, and told, withal, so glibly, and with so much confidence, that I have to look at the book again to see whether it is not as Mrs. Gray states. My regard for Mrs. G. will not permit me to offer any refutation to her account of the story, but I have my own private opinion in regard thereto. 70 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. We have wood-choppers at work over the hill, on the other side of the farm. Once a month I go there to measure the wood they have cut. During Mrs. Gray's absence from Hillside, however, I neglected attending, as I should have done, to this little business ; I let the thing run along for nearly three weeks. Having company at Hillside, the state of the weather, the deep snow, and, perhaps, my natural indolence, were the reasons I possessed for not doing my duty. At last the choppers appointed a committee of three to wait on me, and to " respectfully entreat " me to visit them. According to an agreement entered into between Mr. Gray, the party of the first part, and the wood-choppers, the parties of the second part, their pay for chopping was not to be rendered them till after each month's wood was measured. This, perhaps, may account for the anxiety dis- played by them. I found, however, when I attempted to visit the forest, that, owing to the depth of the snow, it was impossible to get there, either by sleigh or on horseback. In this dilemma I bethought me of a purchase I made from an Indian, when at Niagara with Mrs. Gray, last summer. I refer to a pair of snow-shoes. I bought them more to please Mrs. G., who thought they would look well hanging against the library wall, than expecting ever to put them to a practical use. When I mentioned to Mrs. Gray my idea of wearing snow-shoes, she said that she was favorably im- pressed with it, and at the same time wondered why I had not thought of it before. Thereupon she immediately dis- patched the little black boy to the library for them. When he returned with them, she found that they required con- siderable dusting. After she had satisfactorily performed this little household duty, I managed, with much difficulty, to get them properly adjusted to my feet. Mrs. G., how- ever, persisted in saying that the toes pointed backward instead of forward. I informed the lady that she knew nothing about the matter. When I was prepared to leave the house, I found it MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 71 troublesome to walk. The points of the shoes would get entangled in the hearth-nigs and door-mats, and slide in among the legs of the chairs, and catch on the rockers. At last, however, assisted by my wife and the little black boy, I reached the front-door. Directly before me was a snow- bank. Making a violent effort, I placed myself on the sum- mit of said bank. The ground slopes from the doorway gradually down to the carriage way, nearly twenty feet distant. Unfortunately for me, there was a stiff crust formed on the snow. While I remained poised on the top of the bank, I did well enough, but with the first step I at- tempted to take I realized the falseness of my position, for I found myself sliding, in a very ungraceful manner, down the declivity. While I wondered if I should keep on till I reached the village, my wonderment ceased as I drove head- long into a drift that had been blown across my path. When I had gathered myself up and looked around, I saw Mrs. Gray standing at the window, apparently laughing heartily. The little black boy, too, a short distance off, was indulging in a like exhibition of rudeness. As soon as I had taken in these several points, I immediately started for the little black boy, fully intending to annihilate him on the spot. But I directly found it was not as easy reaching him as I had supposed. My snow-shoes were anything but aids to me. They tripped me up repeatedly ; while the little black boy, at my futile attempts to reach him, laughed the more. I could only shake my fist at him, at the same time giving him to understand how wonderfully he was exposing himself to a whipping. Mrs. G., also, I perceived, was freely indulging herself at my expense ; and, to crown all, I saw the new cook, with arms akimbo, standing at her side, fairly crying. I think I hated, for the moment, the entire community. At last, completely worn out, I sank clown in the snow, quite resolved to pass the day there. This plan had the desired effect. It obtained for me the sympathy of Mrs. G For, opening the -yindows, she en 72 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. treated me to return to the house. I only shook my head, and plunged deeper into the snow. A moment afterwards she dispatched the little black boy with a small covered jug containing a hot preparation for me to imbibe. This revived me exceedingly; and after drinking Mrs. Gray's health, I resolved to continue my journey. With the as- sistance of a long pole, similar to those the Ravels use, I moved cautiously forward. Just as I passed around the corner of the house, I noticed Mrs. G. standing in the door- way, with one hand on her side, and waving with the other a white handkerchief, as if to encourage me to advance. As soon, however, as I had got out of sight I stopped, un- strapped the snow-shoes, and placing them under my arm, retreated quietly by the back way into the house, and thence, proceeding to the library, sat comfortably down and began a letter of inquiry to my brother-in-law, who lives " Out West." MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 78 CHAPTER XIV. Spring and Green Peas. Pea-nuts. My Wickedness. " The Husband's Appeal." How it affected Mrs. Gray. Speech of the Little Black Boy. Brandy Peaches. HEX I looked from my chamber-window the other morning, I found, to my surprise, that spring had arrived. The snow, which since last Decem- ber encompassed Hillside, had now, thanks to the night's rain, almost entirely disappeared. I mentioned as much to Mrs. Gray. She simply replied, " Xonsense." Thereupon, to convince Mrs. G. of the truth of what I had asserted, I opened the window-sash and let in, not only the first breath of spring, but also some bird music, " the matin songs," as I informed my wife, " of a robin and bluebird," which feathered warblers I noticed on the leafless elm at the side of the house. Mrs. Gray being now convinced, said that she considered spring the delightfullest season of the year ; adding, after a pause, that she trusted we would have plenty of radishes. " And peas, Mrs. G.," I remarked. " Yes," she said, " peas of course ; and lettuce, and aspar- agus, and nasturtiums." O * What nasturtiums were I had not the least idea ; but as my brother-in-law, who lives " Out West," had advised me, I resolved not to betray my ignorance. So I merely said, " Oh, yes, certainly." In a private talk which I held, just around the corner of the barn, with the little black boy, I learned what they are. According to his report, I find they are a species of berry, somewhere between the strawberry and barberry. This, tw 74 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. me, is perfectly satisfactory. I feel myself under obligations to him. I consider his knowledge of li garden sauce " very extensive. I informed Mrs. G. of the opinion I entertain concerning him. She is very glad he is so learned in such matters. She hopes, after I have examined him more fully on the subject, that I will give him the situation of gardener. I have promised her to do so. There is a patch of ground near the house, on which I propose raising a variety of vegetables. It is very con- venient in the spring to own fresh vegetables. It saves the trouble of going to market for them. Not but what it is a pleasant thing, sometimes, of a spring morning, to go to market. When I was a boy, nothing pleased me- better. My purchases, however, at that time, were small. They seldom exceeded a basket of strawberries or a bunch of radishes. Indeed, my family was so limited only Barry Gray and myself that it was unnecessary to purchase any large stock. Besides, I was obliged, for reasons best known to my mother, to be somewhat economical. The little black boy is making great preparation, also, in regard to that patch of ground. He contemplates rais- ing pea-nuts in the southern corner of the same. On ex- amining his lot of seed pea-nuts, I found that the larger proportion of them were baked. I told the little black boy this ; he replied he was glad of it, for he preferred those that were baked. I am afraid that my ebony friend will not realize all he expects to from his speculation. I regret to say that I accidentally damaged the feelings of Mrs. Gray this morning while at breakfast. It did not seem to me that the coffee I was drinking quite equalled the first cup the original one, I mean, that won my bachelor heart prepared for me by Mrs. G. I have thought for a month past in fact, ever since my wife re- turned from her mother's that there was a gradual falling off in the quality of said coffee. This was effected so gradually, however, that it was impossible for me to detect MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 75 the daily change. It was only by recalling to my blessed memory the peculiar flavor and fragrance of that early cup that I could satisfy myself in the matter. This morning, for the first time, it seemed to me that the coffee had gone through the process of boiling. By boiling coffee, it loses that delicate flavor which is absolutely necessary for it to possess, that so it may be what is called a fine cup of coffee. I mentioned to Mrs. Gray my suspicions. I did so in a very kind and considerate manner. I had no intention, by so doing, of wishing to break her heart, as she ungenerously insisted that I had ; neither was it my purpose to make her cry, as she sobbingly asserted it was. I had no thought either that what I said might bring on again an attack of nervous headache, although Mrs. G. said I had. Something, too, Mrs. G. remarked to me from behind her cambric, about paying another visit to her mother. This, of course, I can never accede to. It would not do for my wife to go away again from Hillside, unless we went together. I would not like to suffer from loneliness as I did during her late absence. No, I would rather drink such coffee as the neighbors might send in, than allow - my wife to leave me. Before I could pacify Mrs. Gray, I was obliged to drink five cups of the coffee in question. I believe she saw then that I entertained no ill-will towards either her or the coffee. I noticed that she did not deny my charge in relation to the boiling business. The little black boy haunts the kitchen about meal-time. From something he informed me, after partaking of a brandy-peach in the library, I am in- clined to think that I hit the nail on the head. Still I arn sorry to have hurt Mrs. G.'s feelings. Immediately after breakfast, however, I retired to the library, where I wrote, on some delicate buff-colored paper, a few verses, which, after enclosing them in an envelope matching the paper, I dispatched to Mrs. Gray by the hand 76 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. of the little black boy. They read as follows, and are entitled THE HUSBAND'S APPEAL. In my memory there dwelleth forms and faces most divine, Which in boyhood's days I cherished, thinking I should make them mine : Faces only seen in slumbers, or in fancy's golden dreams, Or on staine'd oriel windows, when the sunlight through them gleams, Faces such as Raphael painted, such as poets love to weave In their sweetest, best creations, over which we joy or grieve. But of all these lovely pictures, there is none that will compare With the living, mortal woman, who is good as she is fair : Lowly minded, pure, and earnest, serving God with all her heart, And, like Mary of the Scripture, choosing well the better part. She it is who sits beside me, she who, trusting, gave her hand, With the promise that together we would journey through the land. I have walked with haughty damsels, walked witli maids of low degree ; Spoken words of praise to beauty, and to goodness bowed the knee; Felt my heart grow warm from glances cast by softest eyes of blue, Felt my heart grow strong and earnest cheered by eyes of darker hue ; Hoped and struggled toiled and suffered, for some paltry gain in life, But in nothing found contentment till I found my blesse'd wife. WIFE ! the word is full of beauty full of purity and truth Whether now 'tis present with us whether still a dream of youth, Unfulfilled a hope a something which may never come to pass ; Or, a memory sweet, though faded, like the old year's faded grass. WIFE! it speaks of home of children joys too sweet to be revealed : One lo love to cherish pray for, and from every grief to shield. You, who have a wife to love you with a love that 's unsurpassed, Treasure it as something precious, for you know not if 't will last. Death may come within your dwelling, chase the sunlight from each room, MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 77 Turn the blazing hearth to ashes fill your onward path with gloom. Pray, then, that no word be spoken to her, which you may regret, When the golden bowl is broken when the light of home is set. If you carelessly have uttered words that bore a bitter sting, Ask yourself these simple questions, Can they break the marriage ring ? Can they even dim the lustre which that marriage ring shoulj bear? Can they fill her heart with sorrow, or enshroud her brow with care? If your cooler moments show you these or more may come to pass, Quickly seek to be forgiven, ere life's sands shall quit the glass. When the pleasant word is spoken, asking pardon for your sin, How the upturned face is gladdened ! how rejoiced the heart within ! What low, tender words come flowing from the fountain you have stirr'd, When your voice, in pleading accents, by the precious one is heard ! Oh ! 't is something good and noble thus to set a heart at rest, Sending peace and sweet contentment back within the fluttering breast. Oh, my darling wife ! I pray thee, list to what I have to say, And forgive the mean suspicion entertained by Barry Gray. It was foolish, idle, naughty, thus for me to speak to thee, And 't were justice, love, to make me live a week on sloppy tea. But if mercy tempers justice and I know it will, my dear You '11 forgive me, and my coflee henceforth will be strong and clear. When Mrs. Gray had perused the above verses, she was, as she has since informed me, very much affected by them. She proceeded directly to the library, where I was, and winding her anns around my neck, gave way to tears. For my own part, I could not refrain from joining her. I felt quite weak and unmanned. Our proceedings quite astounded the little black boy, who chanced to be in the room ; and he came very near crying himself, but fortunately a fit of laughter saved him from it. 78 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. When Mrs. G. had recovered her composure, and, with needlework in her hands, was quietly seated on a low stool just at my feet, she infonned me of a piece of singular con- duct on the part of the little black boy. In presenting to her the lines above quoted, he got upon a chair and at- tempted to niake a speech. If it had not been, Mrs. G. remarked, for some extra efforts at politeness of his, she thinks he would have uttered something highly creditable. He, however, undertook too much. After every two or three words which he uttered he attempted a graceful bow, what I call a dancing-school bow, one which my friend Frank taught to him. The result was. that, in making one of these bows, after he had got as far in his speech to my wife, as saying, " Ladies and gentlemen," he fell from the chair, and dropping the note on the floor, which Mrs. Gray picked up, he retired into private life. In questioning my ebony friend in regard to his conduct, from the confused manner in which he answered, I suspect- ed that all was not right. In fact, I detected unmistakable signs in him of intoxication. Straightway I examined the jar containing brandy-peaches, when I discovered a won- derful falling off in the quantity therein. It seems that the little black boy had been occupied, during the time I was writing " The Husband's Appeal," in devouring my stock of brandied fruits. He could n't have eaten less, I judged, than thirty to forty peaches, to say nothing of the syrup ac- companying them. This, then, was the reason that the lad attempted a speech. This was the cause, too, of his falling off the chair. I must take better care of my brandy -peaches. I can't afford to intoxicate him at the price this cost me. Besides, it made him very sick. He did no " chores " through the day. I was obliged to send for our family physician, and a stomach-pump, and a box of blue pills. He had an awful time it nearly threw him into fits ; Dr. Philtre said it was because the little black boy had swal- lowed all the stones! I should judge from this that too MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 79 many brandy -peach-stones don't agree with little black boys. When Master Ebony saw the doctor and the stomach- pump, he was very much frightened so frightened that the kinks in his hair straightened out During the height of his attack he solemnly promised, both the doctor and myself, never to eat any more brandy-peaches. 80 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. CHAPTER XV. Interesting Times at Hillside. Mrs. G.'s Industry. My Brother-in-Law'g Letter. My Dilemma. Strange Woman. A Precious Package. Bribing the Xurse. Pin-cushions. Clarence's Letter. X.'s Baby. >E 'VE experienced highly interesting times at Hill- side lately. Not altogether unexpected, however ; for from various little circumstances which came under my notice, I more than half suspected how the mat- ter would end. Sometimes, when I entered the house un- expectedly. I would discover my wife at work on rather mysterious-looking articles. My desire to learn for what purpose they were intended, was increased by the fact that I thought Mrs. Gray endeavored to keep them out of my sight. I felt certain they were not for any one then com- posing my family circle. What, and for whom they were, thenceforth became to me a question of considerable in- terest. I revolved the matter in my own mind many times, without coming to anything like a definite conclusion. At last it occurred to me that I had better write a letter of inquiry to my brother-in-law, who lives " Out AVest." I did so ; and in it mentioned some small circumstances which I thought might help to throw a light on the subject. I told him my wife was engaged in making up several drawers of strange garments. I confessed to him, however, that they looked very pretty. There was a good deal of lace and insertion and edging used in connection with them. They consisted principally of muslins, cambrics, and such light fabrics ; together with fine flannels, some of them, I noticed, being embroidered with white silk very neatly. I also mentioned as being rather singular more than because MY MARRIED LIFE A T HILLSIDE. 81 I thought it had anything to do with the subject in ques- tion that Mrs. Gray had lately purchased several pieces of towelling ; and that, consequently, we were well off in the matter of towels, so that if he should come to Hillside, as I knew he loved cleanliness above all things, he would not find us short in the articles of rain-water and towels. I waited very patiently for his answer. At last it came. It was very brief, though not, it seemed to me. particularly lucid. It read thus: " OUT WEST," April 1st. DEAR BARRY, Coming events cast their shadows be- fore. Look out for a well-spring of pleasure. [See Tup- per.] Your affectionate brother-in-law. MAC. After I had read it I was more puzzled than ever. " What," I asked myself, " if coming events do cast their shadows before ? I know who said that long before my brother-in-law thought of it. 'T was a certain wizard warning Lochiel ; but what in wonder has it to do with me?" I confess, however, that the remaining portion of the letter considerably startled me. " Look out for a well- spring of pleasure ! " It was as if he had said, " Look out for a locomotive." But where, in the name of the Old Woman who lived in a Shoe, and who, according to Mother Goose, had so many children that she did n't know what to do, was I expected to look for one. It did n't exactly seem dear to me, either, whether he wanted me to look out for one for myself, or whether it was a commission he gave me to select one for him. I rather inclined to the latter ren- dering of the sentence. I considered about it. I took the iittle black boy's opinion on the subject. He coincided, heart and soul, with me. I began to calculate the profits which would be mine if I succeeded in finding a well-spring of pleasure whatever that might be for my brother- 6 82 Mi' M AlUll El) LIFE AT HILLSIDE. in-lav.-, who lives " Out West." Ten per cent, commission, I thought, would be about the fair thing. I carefully ex- amined the " price current " of the New York market, as set forth in the papers, without finding therein the article of which I was in search. The price of well-springs, it seemed, was not quoted. I contemplated writing to Agassiz to learn if he could give me any information on the sub- ject. I presumed a naturalist would know all about it But who, I asked myself, is the individual named Tupper, whom my brother-in-law advises me, between brackets, to see. I asked Mrs. Gray if she could give me any informa- tion regarding one Tupper. She replied that he was the person who wrote the " Proverbial Philosophy." Thereupon I referred to the volume in question, in hope of obtaining the desired information. After a diligent search I read in its pages, " A babe in a house is a well-spring of pleasure." I was thunder-struck, but the riddle was solved. Some time after this a very remarkable woman appeared at Hillside, where she made herself very much at home, taking possession of our best chamber, and ruling the cook with a rod of iron. The little black boy says that she uses the same rod with which to rule him, except that she heats it red-hot She wanted the keys of sundry left-hand clos- ets where I keep " medical stuff," and insisted on having the key of the inner cellar. I am happy to state that I was enabled to " stand out " against her overbearing wishes. When she found how decided I was, she held her peace. But she has a way of looking at me which is unendurable. Somewhere about twenty-four hours after the arrival of said woman, there was another arrival. A small but pre- cious package c.tine to hand. I allude to the birth of my infant son. I feel very proud of this acquisition to :ny family. I have made a memorandum of the date of this event in my Hebrew Bible, also in my Greek Testament ; and as soon as I can obtain a large family Bible, I shall record it there in the proper place. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 88 Of course I soon discovered what situation at Hillside the strange woman came to fill. I had no idea that nurses were so arbitrary as is this woman. I was scarcely per- mitted to set foot into my wife's chamber. I was exiled, as it were, out in the barn. It was only by giving the nurse a five-dollar bill that I was permitted, after three weary days, to look on the face of my infant son. When as I several times each day insisted on doing I went into my wife's chamber to press her pale cheek, and clasp her thin hand for a moment, while I whispered some endearing word, the baby was either " sound asleep and must n't be disturbed," or else he was " crying, and if I look'd at him 't would make him cry the more," that I began to think I might as well not be a father if I were never to be per- mitted the pleasure of holding my own child. Times, how- ever, are changed since I gave the nurse the five-dollar bill ; and I have, in several instances, held the child some- what more than was necessary to my entire satisfaction. I shall be very glad when the nurse takes her departure. I am inclined to think it will not be long before she does ; for there was a gentleman up here from the village, a day or two since, who held a private conversation with her, and who, I thought, expressed a desire to have her visit him. When it became known that I was the owner of a baby, congratulations and presents began to drop in. The pin- cushion, which does duty so often on these occasions, was duly received the day before the event occurred. It was of white satin, trimmed with blue ribbon, and the pins were so placed as to read, " Welcome, little stranger." This came from my sister, who lives " Out West." In addition to this, an English lady, a resident of Montreal, sent me one with the motto " Up Guards, and at 'em ! " Then, too, my friend Bustle got up a very pretty one, with the sentence, " See, the conquering hero comes." My bachelor friends in the village sent me a " round robin," expressive of their ap* 84 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. proval of the thing, and wishing me many returns of the same. They also sent a silver spoon to " Little Barry," with the compliments of the season. From my friend Clarence, who lives " Over the Bay," I received the following letter. " OVER THE BAY," Some Time in May. MY DEAR BARRY, You remember our mutual friend, X., of boarding-school memory, the chap who always wore red flannel drawers, a blue shirt, and adorned his head o' nights with a white cotton nightcap ? we nicknamed him tricolor, and who, moreover, was continually talking about " wumpusses " and " wows," because he could n't pronounce the letter li ? Yes, of course you do. Well, X. got mar- ried one day, and, in due course of time, was blessed with a baby, and such a baby ! none of your pale, lily-complex- ioned youngsters, but one as red, sir, when J saw it, as a peony. To hear X. speak of it, you would have thought 'twas the only baby in Christendom ; babies have become more common since then, I believe. When it was a week old, X. coaxed me to go home with him to see it; I consented, and I must say I was consider- ably astonished by that, my first sight of an incipient young man. Never, if I live to be more than very aged, shall I forget it Before attending X. to his home, I fortified my- self with a glass of wine, a ham sandwich, and read a chapter of old " Burton's Anatomy of Melancholy." I like- wise placed in my pocket a copy of " Mother Goose," a Noah's Ark, and a pound of Stuart's broken candy, for. somehow, I thought they would serve to amuse and instruct u Little Paul," but, bless you, Barry, I found he knew absolutely nothing about our light literature, was fearfully benighted regarding the event of the flood, and, I believe, sucked something quite different than candy. Of course X.'s topic of conversation, on the way to his modest domicile, was the baby. He mentioned its weight, which either was nine ounces or nine pounds, I've forgot- MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 85 ten which ; and he told me of its hair, which would one day, he said, be either white or red ; as yet, the family his wife's family could n't decide which. X.'s, you may remember, is decidedly red; and I judged, after seeing the child, from that particular color prevailing to an alarming extent, that it would probably be like our friend X.'s. He said something, too, about little X.'s teeth, and wished to know who was my dentist, together with sundry other questions that have escaped my memory. When we had reached the house, X. led me cautiously into a darkened room, and up to the side of the bed, within which I discerned a little heap of flannel ; softly he raised the covering till I caught sight of a very bald head and the tip of a remarkably little nose. " There," said X. exult- ingly, " did you ever see a boy like that before ? " As it had never been my luck so to do, I could, with a good con- science, answer No ! " Look at his hands," he continued, and he placed in mine a chubby little fist that felt like velvet and looked like a crumpled rose-leaf, " are n't they beautiful ? " And then he showed me the child's feet, very broad at the toes and very narrow at the heel ; and if the nurse hadn't come up just as she did, I verily believe he would have continued his researches for my benefit very much farther. As I stood regarding minor X. with about the same feel- ing of wonderment as possessed me when looking at the mummied cats in Abbot's collection, not knowing what I was expected to do next, whether to kiss him, or go away without kissing, he stirred the tip of his nose a trifle and breathed quite hard. So I said to great X., " Don't you think small X. has a cold ? " " Oh, no ! " he answered, pat- ronizingly, as if pitying my ignorance, " that 's snoring, he 's snored more or less all of his life." Then the baby began to cry : the father said it was caused by wind ; the nurse said I had better be going; and so, depositing my offerings at the baby's feet, I took, I trust, my last look of 86 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. X.'s baby, and departed. As I descended the stairs, I thought I heard X. singing the ditty of " Rock-a-bye, baby." With feelings of deep commiseration, my dear Barry, for your unfortunate situation, I remain, Your bachelor friend, CLARENCE. It is evident to me that Clarence knows little or nothin O of babies. What has X.'s child got to do with mine, I should like to know ! so far as I can see, absolutely nothing. What does he mean, then, by writing to me such a letter ? I am afraid that there will be trouble between Clarence and myself, unless he explains matters. To think of comparing my infant son with X.'s baby ! 'The thing is highly preposterous and insulting. I feel it a duty which I owe my infant son to call Clarence to an account. MY .MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 87 CHAPTER XVI. My Bachelor Friends pay their Respects to the Baby. Their Offerings. My Speech. Proceedings at the Barn. John. Cultivating Catnip. Lines to our Baby. His Disappearance. Our Anxiety. His Return. ( Y bachelor friends visited Hillside lately, for the piirpose of paying their respects to the new baby. They marched up here in procession. The baby \vas prepared to receive them. He was neatly, not gor- geously, arrayed in a new bib and tucker. I had, moreover, requested the nurse to curl his hair. She complied, I be- lieve, with my request, as far as practicable. Each of my bachelor friends, it gives me pleasure to state, brought with him some little present, as a birthday offering to my infant son. The offerings consisted, principally, of juvenile toys ; and comprised two sets of corals and bells, a wooden trump- et, a drum, a sword, a top, a tin horse, an A-B-C primer, five India-rubber teething-rings, a rattle, and a silver tooth- pick ; together with a pair of mittens, a volume of the " Star-Spanglecl Banner," a wooden spoon, a pair of mous- taches, a quantity of popped corn, and a dozen cinnamon- scented cigars. In returning thanks for these favors re- ceived, which I did in behalf of my little boy, I remarked that many of them were not only ornamental but useful ; and that they were quite sufficient in number to set him up handsomely in the world. In conclusion, I said, that I trusted my friends would soon give me an opportunity to reciprocate, in a like manner, the obligations they had placed me under. At this point several of my friends cried, " hear ! hear ! " being, apparently, favorably impressed with what I bad said. I then closed with the following sentiment : 88 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. " Bachelors and Babies, though thoroughly antagonistic, each, seemingly, striving to put the other down, yet by the magic of a golden ring often become closely and fondly united." On account of the young gentleman's nerves, my bache- lor friends were admitted, one at a time, within the sacred precincts of the nursery, and there, in the presence of the nurse, were severally introduced to my infant son. The child behaved exceedingly well, and showed to good advan- tage, until my thirteenth friend, who sports a moustache, looked upon him, when he became frightened and immedi- ately commenced crying, which, I am ashamed to confess, he kept up during the remaining presentations. After the introductions were over, to the satisfaction, I believe, of all, my friends, headed by the black boy, pro- ceeded to the barn, where a cold collation was spread. In consideration of Mrs. Gray's delicate state of health, I se- lected the barn, as being the moie proper place than the house, in which to entertain my friends. It was, perhaps, well that I did so ; for, towards the conclusion of the feast, several speeches were made and songs sung, which elicited considerable applause. There was, also, a degree of excite- ment at one tune, which threatened to destroy the harmony of the occasion. It arose from a desire, on the part of each of my bachelor friends, to be honored with having the baby for a namesake. They even went so far as to ballot for a name. On examining the votes I found that each present had cast a ballot in his own favor. The result was as fol lows : The votes on which were inscribed the name John, amounted to three. All the other names received but one each. This result arose from the fact that there were three Johns present. Hereupon my friends, with the exception of the three Johns, violently protested against the legality of the whole affair ; and, finally, at my suggestion, concluded to leave the matter with Mrs. Gray ; which, under the circumstances, I consider a wise and prudent course. MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 89 I am sorry not to be able to give a report of the speeches which were made on this very interesting occasion. Un- fortunately, only a brief synopsis of my own speech, as above recorded, was preserved. The little black boy who, 1 ma happy to state, has entirely recovered from the brandy- peach-stone illness sung a song, the words of which, I Irelieve, may be found in the unabridged editions of " Mother Goose," beginning and ending in this wise: "Rock-a-bye, baby, upon the tree-top, When the wind blows the cradle will rock, When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, Down conies lullaby baby and all." Thus triumphantly ended the ceremony of the presenta- tion of my bachelor friends in the nursery, together with the festal proceedings afterwards enacted at the barn. The baby already begins to notice things. To stare, with his great blue eyes, at the blazing lamps, seems for the present to be the height of his ambition. He cries, too, I have discovered ; cries o' nights, I understand. But this concerns his nurse, however, more than it does me. He has thus far, as I have been confidentially informed, passed through life without suffering from those " little diseases " to which infant flesh is heir. That we may be prepared, however, for all exigencies, I have instructed the black boy to devote a small part of his garden to the cultivation of catnip, saffron, and such like simple herbs. I took the liberty, one Sunday afternoon, during the ab- sence of the nurse in the village, to " tend baby." From certain observations I made at that time, I am satisfied that he is considerable of a boy. Mrs. Gray says that he is a very handsome child, handsomer, she seems to think, than the general run of such articles. To me, he appears to be very much like other babies. In fact, I think his resem- blance to them is striking. The same excess of brilliant coloring is displayed in him, which my friend, from " Over 90 Ml" MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. the Bay," mentioned as prevailing to an alarming extent in X.'s baby. Time, however, Mrs. G. assures me, will remove my objections in this particular. Ever since the arrival of my infant son, Mrs. Gray has not ceased to importune me to address some verses to his little lordship. As soon, therefore, as I could bring my rnind into a proper state for verse-making, I did so, and composed these lines : TO OUR BABY. Little allspice, pepper, pickle ! Baby, changeable and fickle, Lying in your nurse's arms, Safe from everything that harms ; Full of smiles, and full of tears, Full of joys, and full of fears, Are you mortal or divine 1 Tell me, little baby mine ! Little rabbit, cricket, robin ! Baby, whimpering and sobbing, Sleeping on your mother's lap, Dreaming, 'whiles, of sweetened pap, Pleased with chirping, pleased with son Quieted by nothing long, Care you most for milk or wine 1 Tell me, little baby mine ! Little monkey, lemon, clove, Baby, fruit of wedded love, Seated on your father's knee, As wide awake as you can be, Striving, while you clutch the air, To pull his whiskers or his hair, Think you not you 're something fine f Tell me, little baby mine ! Little poppy, saffron, thistle, Baby stilled with chirp and whistle, Nestled in your cradle small, Like a little waxen doll, MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 91 Do you in your slumbers view Spirits hovering over you, - Angel spirits half divine 1 Tell me, little baby mine ! Little cherub, sunshine, star, Baby, comfort of mama, Welcomed to this world with kisses, Crowned with love and earthly blisses ; Dimpled darling, blue-eyed boy, A future' hope, a present joy; Why thus round my heart entwine ? Tell me, little baby mine ! I am sorry to say that Mrs. Gray considers the above lines not exactly the thing. She thinks that I address the baby by improper titles. In short, she evinces considerable disappointment in regard to them : but I have promised her, one of these days, to write some others of a more pleasing character. We missed the baby this morning from his cradle. He was not to be found in any of his accustomed haunts. At first, I thought some one of my bachelor friends had come up to Hillside and stolen him. Mrs. Gray was fearfully agitated about it. The nurse was very angry, and vented a good portion of it on me. She declared I had hidden the infant For my own part, though I expressed consid- erable anxiety in regard to the young man's movements, yet I confess I was secretly pleased at his absence. I won- dered if he would stay away forever. I fervently hoped that we would have no more little boys nor little girls either, simply for the reason that I don't like to have a nurse in the house. The house, generally, was in an up- roar. I was afraid at one time that the ceilings would fall. After a while, the new cook, taking me aside, told me, in a sepulchral whisper, that she suspected the dog had devoured the baby. She had seen him, it seems, very composedly licking his chops, out on the green in front of the house. jfc MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. The suspicion, however, was much too horrible for me to entertain. If I had not remembered the story of Beth- Gelert, I might have killed the dog. Nevertheless, I called Watch to me and examined his mouth ; but I saw nothing which would indicate that he had breakfasted off of our baby. When I showed him the empty cradle and said, " Baby ! " he barked violently and ran towards the door. It seemed to me that he understood what 1 meant. As I have often heard of the sagacity of dogs, I resolved to follow wherever he might lead, in the hope that thereby I might discover the lost baby. As soon, therefore, as I opened the door, he started for the stable, stopping in his progress to ascertain if I were following. Having satisfied himself in this matter, he would bark encouragingly and lead on. When we reacked the stable, I discovered, much to my astonishment, indignation, and joy, the little black boy seated on the sorrel horse, holding in his arms, safe and sound, our baby. To my question how he dared to carry off the baby, he replied, that he guessed the baby wanted to see the pigs, and horses, and turkeys, and hens, and the " new red." I did not stop at that time to lecture the ebony lad, but I resolved to do so at no very distant clay. Taking the baby, I hastened into the house, and placed him in the arms of his almost distracted mother, who seemed quite happy to receive him. When I told the nurse where I found him, her eyes flashed, and she straightway left the room. A few minutes thereafter I heard Mr. Black Boy making considerable of an outcry ; and it is my private opinion that the nurse gave him a whipping. Oh ! a monthly nurse is a terrible being! MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 93 CHAPTER XVII. Plans for the Fourth. Old Soldiers. Fireworks. My Oration. - National Hymn. American Flag. The Baby. My Audience. Dinner. Cat and Crackers. In the Evening. Barrel of Ale. Good-night. RS. GRAY, myself, and the little black boy cele- brated the Fourth of July at Hillside in a most proper manner. For a week preceding this na- tional anniversary, I was busied in making preparations for its coming. If it would not be considered altogether im- probable by my friends, I would state that my best energies were devoted to getting up the celebration in a patriotic style. I held long conversations with Mrs. G. o' evenings, seated on the front piazza, on the subject. My confabs with the little black boy on the same momentous question were not limited either to time or place. Mrs. Gray ad- vocated strongly the plan of having Mr. G. deliver an original address, or, as it pleased her to term it, an oration, on the occasion. At the same time she herself offered to sing one of Morris's " National Hymns." ' The little black boy, however, cared nothing for anything of this kind, and "went in strong" for a lot of fireworks and a drum ; and especially did he insist on having a can- non and a tar-barrel. So far as my own wishes went, I was desirous not only of celebrating the occasion in accord- ance with Mrs. G.'s and the little black boy's plans, but of doing something more in honor of the day, which, like Christmas and Paus, comes but once a year. I wanted to give a dinner to some old friends of mine : not my bachelor friends, for I knew Mrs. Gray would object to it ; nor yet 94 MY MARRIED LIFE A T HILLSIDE. to any of the young lady pupils of the college, for to this, too, I felt that my wife would be warranted in raising seri- ous objections ; but to four old soldiers, men who saw service in the war of 1812. Poor and disabled they are, too : one with a leg missing, another an arm, and the other two feeble and white-haired. When I mentioned to Mrs. Gray my wishes, she came forward in what I call a noble and patriotic manner, and promised me that she and the cook would both stand by me in getting up the dinner, and she doubted not but the old soldiers would have a good one. This point being satisfactorily arranged, I could give my attention solely to writing the little address which, to please Mrs. G., I purposed delivering. The fireworks I left after giving some slight directions in the matter exclu- sively to the care of the little black boy, to whom I gave an order on the village pyrotechnist ; and I must say that my ebony friend obtained a very magnificent assortment of fireworks. It appeared to me, when I received the bill for said fireworks, which was politely handed me the day after the Fourth, that the little black boy had made his pur- chases regardless of expense. I asked the firework man, when he tendered me the account, if fireworks had n't risen lately ? He replied they had gone up rather high the pre- vious evening, but that they were fallen low enough now. Hereupon he laughed, as if the matter was a capital joke ; but I confess I saw nothing funny in it. I offered to return him provided he would place the same to my credit some of the fireworks that would n't " go off." But he refused to receive them, and said that there was no demand in the market for them at present. He advised me, however, to keep them over till the next anniversary of the day, when, perhaps, I might dispose of them to ad- vantage. I don't think I shall allow the little black boy to purchase fireworks on my account again, for he buys " not wisely, but too well." I have since understood that, on MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 95 account of his extensive purchase, the villagers generally were rather " short " in the matter of fireworks. I know, now, why so many visitors came to Hillside in the evening ; it was reported in the village that I had bought up all the fireworks that were for sale, and they came, doubtless, to witness the display. A few days previous to the Fourth, I drove out with Mrs. Gray to call on the old soldiers above mentioned, for the purpose of inviting them to Hillside. We found it quite impossible to make short calls, as they each had so much to say, that we were, perforce, constrained to sit quietly and listen till their stories were ended. Our h'rst visit, which was to the one-armed veteran, consumed the better part of the day, and it was only by skilful management on my part that we succeeded in getting through with the remaining ones by nightfall. It was no difficult task, nor required much diplomacy, to obtain from each a promise to honor Hillside with his presence on the approaching Fourth. To tell the truth, they all appeared very anxious to come, and kept sending me word every day thereafter, until the Fourth, that I must be sure and remain at home, and not go away to celebrate the day elsewhere. They were very fearful that I would forget my engagement made with them, and, I believe, took turns in watching the road that leads from Hillside. The little black boy was stopped every time he passed the blacksmith's shop, where these old soldiers kept watch, and was put through a very severe cross-examination in regard to the preparations at Hill- side. When the evening of the third arrived, everything, I am happy to state, was in proper train for the next day. My address was completed, and I had practised delivering it, in the barn, before the little black boy. Mrs. Gray had succeeded in setting the national hymn to appropriate music, and ever and anon was singing it softly to herself. The cook, despite the heat of the weather, had the most 96 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. important part of the dinner prepared for the oven. The little black boy, with assistance from one of the hired men, had erected, on the hillside opposite the house, a stand for the fireworks, and had obtained not only a cannon and tar- barrel, but a bass-drum. Just at sunset, the wooden-legged veteran made his appearance, bearing with him the Ameri- can flag. He said that he kinder guessed, seeing as how the little black boy had n't said nothin' about it, that I had n't " nary " a star-spangled banner on the premises, so he thought he 'd just bring along an old one which he used for a spread on his bed to home. As he had brought his bed's covering, it did not surprise me at learning that he intended to remain all night, " so as to be on hand," he remarked, "in the morning." And what is more than this, he has been " on hand " ever since, nor evinces any desire to take up his bedclothes and walk. He and the little black boy managed to keep awake till midnight, when they startled all the household by the re- port of their cannon. I think they fired thirteen guns at that time, but will not be positive, for onr baby, awakened by the report, cried so loudly that it was almost impossible to hear them. After performing this feat, the two heroes and the baby, I think, must have gone to sleep, for there was a lull from that time till sunrise. Then the cannon- ading again commenced, with the additional noise of the drum, both of which were kept up pretty well through the day. When I made my appearance on the lawn, shortly after sunrise, I found all my old soldiers were ahead of me. They had come early, they said, " so as to make a day of it" As soon as we finished breakfast, I thought it would be well to get through with my address before the heat of the day came on. I mentioned as much to Mrs. Gray. She agreed with me in the matter, and only regretted the ab- sence of a larger audience. I replied that, as it was to be MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. 97 my maiden effort at a Fourth of July oration, it were, per- haps, as well not to desire an increase of hearers. She declared that I was too modest by half, and wished, at least, to dispatch the little black boy for the parson, that he might have the pleasure of listening to me on the occasion. I, however, objected seriously to this, but told Mrs. G. she might ask a few of the neighbors to be present. So she straightway sent the little black boy to invite them. Two of them returned answer that they were going down to the village to attend the circus ; while the third sent word that he did n't care anything about hearing Mr. Gray preach, and besides, he wanted to plough his corn. I think Mrs. G. was slightly disappointed at the refusal of her invitations. I believe, even, that she would have consented to have had my bachelor friends present for the sake of an audience. It was with considerable trouble that I got my few hear- ers collected together in the shade of the elms, at the front of the house. I do not think they wanted to listen to me. Only my wooden-legged friend appeared to care anything about it ; and he absented himself so long when he went to call his companions, that I was obliged to send the little black boy after him. The lad not returning, and the old soldiers failing to make their appearance, I was forced to go for them myself. I found them all collected below the barn, pitching quoits. When I came among them, how- ever, they ceased their sport, and said they were just on the point of coming as I turned the corner of the barn. Then, as if to provoke me, at the moment I rose to com- mence, the baby began to cry ; so my wife had to enter the house to get him. While she was gone, the cook thought she snielt something burning on the stove ; so she departed to see about it. Then one of the old soldiers was thirsty, and went down to the well, just beside a stone jug which stood there, to get a drink. Then the rest of the old sol- diers were thirsty, and followed suit. So only the little black boy remained ; and as I was afraid that he also would 7 98 MY MARRIED LIFE AT HILLSIDE. give me the slip if I waited longer, I commenced my ad- dress. I think my sable friend rather " admired " being my solitary hearer, for he straightened back on his chair, pulled up his shirt-collar, showed his ivories, and exclaimed, " Hear, hear ! " before I had concluded my first sentence. As soon as I made my voice heard, one by one my au- dience returned. First came Mrs. Gray and the baby ; then the cook, bringing with her a pan of peas to shell ; then my four old soldiers, rather the worse for their visit to the well, near the old stone jug ; and lastly, the farm-dog. Watch. Had my audience been less select than it was, I should doubtless have been flattered by the applause with which they greeted my speech. As it was, they applauded its feeblest parts and allowed its most striking points to go unnoticed. I discovered, too, that my old soldiers took their cue from the little black boy, and clapped their hands whenever he did. After a while when, too, I was in the most eloquent part of my oration the baby cried again ; so Mrs. Gray was obliged to carry him back into the house. Then, no longer kept in awe by his mistress' presence, the little black boy commenced his pranks. My address was not written in the most legible hand, and as I am near-sighted, O 7