THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES
 
 ^' ^/ ' - - ^.;^ 
 
 
 u 
 
 
 y. .^, ^ ^/^ ^^^^.^ ^.X-- -^- 
 
 /iC^><U-^ >^ C^ At ^ ^ 

 
 CONTES BES FOUSc 
 
 AKD OTHEK. 
 
 TRIFLES IN VERSE, 
 
 BT TlIE I ATE 
 
 WITK 
 
 NOTES, 
 
 Critical ano CjcpUnatotr;. 
 
 MIHI MAONVS APOLLO. 
 
 lonuon ; 
 
 PRINTED FOR JOHN RODWELL, 
 
 Successor to Mr. Faulder, 
 46, NEW BOND-SXREKT. 
 
 1812.
 
 f' 
 
 AO all those^ who feel themselves rich 
 enough inVisdom to be able to afford not 
 inexorably to reject a trifle, merely because 
 it is a trifle, so long as it does not pretend 
 to be any thing better, this Book is humbly 
 dedicated. 
 
 By their 
 Most obedient Servant, 
 
 THE EDITOR,
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 1 DEEM it but a necessary act of justice towards 
 anumberof innocent individuals, to proclaim, that 
 the Author of these Poems (or to speak more 
 correctly Verses), the late W^B 'BJ^&S, e^H. 
 was in no degree related to the justly-celebrated 
 Artist, or to any other person of the name, whom 
 I ever yet could hear of; indeed, so isolated a being 
 was he held to be, and so little were his real con- 
 nections known, that not a few of those benevolent 
 persons, who (being, I presume, but scantily 
 provided with business of their own) seem to think 
 themselves bound in charity to keep up a sort of 
 regular survey over the concerns of every man, 
 woman, and child in their vicinity, have taken it 
 into their heads to maintain, that he had no legal 
 right by birth j or royal licence^ to this same comely
 
 Til PREFVCE. 
 
 vnmc o Biggr, but had assumed it, (in like manner 
 as a gentle personage o^afortJier day did an appel- 
 lation of exactly opposite import*) moved thereto 
 perad venture by the dimensions, either of his cor* 
 porojil structure or of his Poetical endoAvments. 
 
 Now, with regard to the portliness of his person, 
 I sliall not scruple to confess, that he always did 
 appear to me to be a little proud of it ; but I 
 should esteem myself guilty of a crime, but a very 
 few shades less sable than high treason against his 
 memory, if I did not solemnly assert my convic- 
 tion, that he was not quite so ignorant of what real 
 Poetical Talent is, as ever once to dream, that he 
 was master of the smallest share of it. I must, 
 however, at the same time beg leave to guard this 
 assertion, by respectfully exhorting his gentle 
 readers to endure his want of it with decent for- 
 titude, seeing, that I can (in confidence) assure 
 them, that, if Nature really had been such a pro- 
 
 * This of course must be Pompey the Little. 
 
 Vhilo-Editor.
 
 PREFACE. IX 
 
 digal, as suddenly to stuff into him tiie very 
 greatest quantity of it, that even his ample occiput 
 could contain, thei/ would have been but little 
 better for it ; since I do not fear to pledge my 
 reputation, that he would have continued infinitely 
 too indolent to have exerted it on any work, to 
 which he could not have put the finishing stroke 
 within at most two hours from the first moment, 
 wherein he chanced to take it into head. 
 
 But, although I have been thus anxious to vin- 
 dicate my departed friend from the folly of fancying 
 himself a Poet, yet, as it is not perliaps given to 
 mortal man to he entirely devoid of vanity, I 
 know not, why I should blush for him to acknow- 
 ledge, that I have myself once or twice heard him 
 insinuate, with some little air of self-complacency, 
 that he certainly had, from iiis earliest youth, been 
 rather notorious for having odd conceits, from time 
 to time mounting, as it \vere, spontaneously info 
 his brain ; and that these odd conceits, having then 
 and there, without waiting for his permission, made 
 free to marshal themselves into small disorderly
 
 X PREFACE. 
 
 bands of odd raggamufiin verses, would occasionally 
 sally forth, and persuade or compel the more 
 tractable of his friends to laugh a little; nay, he 
 lias been known to add, Avith a partiality, which 
 I, for one, cannot help feeling grateful for, that, 
 as he could not perceive iiis friends to be much 
 MORE foolish than the friends of other people, so 
 lie did not think it quite impossible, that, at some 
 future day, a few good-natured strangers might 
 be made to laugh a little also. 
 
 On this hint it was indeed, 1 own, that as soon 
 as I heard of his decease, I thought it no sin to 
 Iiurry to his lodgings, and, by slipping his papers 
 into my pocket, to detain them from the journey, 
 which they would, I guess, ere long have been 
 doomed to set out upon^ to a country " from whose 
 bourn no traveller returns."* If I shall be thought 
 to have acted foolishly in so detaining them, I shall 
 be much more sorry than surprised ; jet I shall at 
 
 * His Landlady's kitchen fire.
 
 PREFACE. Xt 
 
 least have the consolation (and I trust all my 
 brother Editors enjoy the same) of being quite 
 certain that I have not, in ray clumsy zeal, been 
 kicking down after his death the greater part of 
 the fame which he had all his life been fatiguing 
 himself to build up ; since, Heaven knows, not 
 even the most lowly edifice of that kind had this 
 poor Gentleman ever once in the course of his 
 obscure existence an opportunity, or even an 
 ambition, to erect. 
 
 Yet, whilst I am thus entirely at my ease upon 
 the score of fame ^ I should be angry with myself 
 indeed, were it possible, that I should hereafter, 
 ivhen it is too late, discover, that 1 have by raj 
 officiousness been demolishing any of that reason- 
 able share of honest reputation, which he really 
 had such good luck, as to keep possession of to the 
 last. I therefore earnestly hope, that I shall not 
 be judged to have miscalculated in supposing, that 
 I have not sullied the purity of my pocket, by 
 preserving in it a single line, which can seriously 
 be called improper.
 
 Xll PREFACE- 
 
 That his Muse may hoMcvcr now and then, in 
 her aukward merriment, liave been a Ultle too 
 free-spoken, I shall not take uj)on me to deny ; l)iit 
 Mould with undaunted countenance venture to 
 demand for her the same liberal indulgence, which 
 the Muses of almost all our most approved Poets 
 have thouijht it not unreasonable to claim, were f 
 not apprehensive, that I mi^ht thereby appear to 
 imaa;ine, that his homely humble help-mate was 
 entitled to boast of some distant degree of afTinity 
 to tlicsc charminfr, and illustrious ladies. I must 
 therefore content myself with alledginor, that as I 
 have already candidly confessed my worthy friend's 
 Bonif.v frame to have been rather brondlj/ built, 1 
 do not sec how any reader can in his conscience 
 complain, if that part of his mc7ilal fiil)rick, which 
 hi/covYlr^y I may bcallowed-to call his WIT, shall 
 turn out to have been constructed upon a somewiiat 
 similar scale of inches. 
 
 With rei^ard to certain little effusions dii ccpur 
 et (Jr. Pcsprity which will be found about the centre 
 of this Volume, it may not be amiss to mention,
 
 PREFACE. XIU 
 
 that I could never satisfactorily ascertain, whether 
 they made their entrance to the world durirjg their 
 Author'sj^7'5/ or second chWdhood, (for he undoubt- 
 edly began to doat a little in his latter days) but I 
 should rather be inclined to suppose, it must have 
 been during the last, as it is, I think, a pretty well 
 acknowledged characteristic of the amorous part of 
 0U7' sex, to become more loving, in proportion, as 
 they have the less chance of being loved. I shall 
 not however pretend to affirm, that I have been 
 over-diligent in my researches not having been 
 able to convince myself, that the reader would be 
 so grateful, as to take an adequate interest in the 
 result ; so shall proceed to the more important and 
 more formidable task of endeavouring to pacify 
 those well-meaning persons, who have somehow or 
 other been alarmed into a wish to banish the whole 
 of that sort of poetry, which in the language of 
 the day is called Amatory Poetry, for ever from the 
 fields of Literature. Now, with all due reverence, 
 I would venture to reply, that this sentence, which 
 would inexorably root out from the lower regions of
 
 XIV PREFACE. 
 
 Parnassus all those tender sprouts, -which have been 
 cultivated, and found palatable by every age, and 
 almost every nation, whether civilized or savage, 
 and which some of the most venerable of our 
 Churchmen, and of the most reflective of our 
 Statesmen, liave not thought it beneath them to 
 assist in raising, would, in my opinion, be much 
 too indiscriminate, particularly as such of them as 
 continue to exhale that " sweet air" of respectful 
 gallantry which was in fashion before the age of 
 Chivalry was no more, might perhaps, without 
 any very sophistical arguments, be proved to be 
 not merely not deleterious, but even salutary, in- 
 asmuch as by inspiring those of the one sex with 
 that high and just sense of their own value, which 
 never fails io produce a similar sense of it in those 
 of the other sex, and which is moreover the surest 
 preservative against degrading actions ; they have, 
 I suspect, done more than all the notable essays, 
 that ever have been written, to purify the mind, 
 by elevating the least refined into the most refined 
 of human inclinations; and therefore I would sug-
 
 PREFACE. XT 
 
 gest, that those who should tear them all up, be- 
 cause certain of them may be rather rank of growth, 
 would be acting like a worthy gentleman of Ireland, 
 who took it into his head to destroy // the 6/Vc& 
 on his estate, merely because some of them would 
 now and then make beasts of themselves by feed- 
 ing too unrestrainedly at his expence ; but he soon 
 found his fields over-run by legions of ignoble 
 reptiles, which these apparently unprofitable song- 
 sters had hitherto managed to keep down. 
 
 As for the individual Pegasus whereon the some- 
 what more than apparently z/wprofitable Mr. Bigge 
 was wont to amble forth (for he was fur too lazy io 
 have ambled forth upon his feet) to collect his little 
 pittance of these same tender sprouts ; although, as 
 I have before hinted, he may in his frolicsome 
 moments have been occasionally betrayed into a 
 clumsy kick or two, yet I am proud io think, that 
 upon those serious affairs, called Love Affairs, he will 
 be found to have been a beast to the full as exemplary 
 fordccorum, as the well-bred steed, upon whose loins 
 the Knight of La Mancha was wont to sally forth
 
 XVI PREFACE. 
 
 to seek adventures ; otherwise, our preux Chevalier 
 liad, I am sure, too much respect for his fair 
 friends, and too much fear also of seeing his of- 
 ferings thrown behind the fire, to have bestridden 
 him in their service, nor would I have been the 
 Squire to have led him forth before the public. 
 
 One subject still remains, and a delicate one in 
 truth it is, whereon I must whisper into the com- 
 passionate Reader's ear, I canuot so easily prevent 
 myself from feeling a few compunctious visitings of 
 conscience namely, for exhibiting my poor friend, 
 as a swain so much more scurvily used by the 
 gentler half of the creation than any of his co- 
 temporary Brethren of the Lyre, some of whom 
 have taken care to let us know that they have 
 contrived to rival King Solomon by the number of 
 their concubines, as well as by the greatness of their 
 wisdom, whereas, sooth to say ! I do not recollect 
 his having boasted of a single favour, as of course 
 he would have done if he had had a single favour 
 to boast of, which the most modest young lady 
 might not have bestowed without a blush of shame ;
 
 PREFACE. XVU 
 
 and even of these insipid indulgences, there ap- 
 pears, according to his own account, to have been 
 a most provoking scarcity. 
 
 Whether tiiis, his exclusion from the milk and 
 honey, which seems of late years to have been the 
 daily portion of all the other sons of Song, arose 
 iVom want of good taste (for he really was a per- 
 sonable gentleman, as will be seen by his portrait 
 whenever I am rich enough to get it engraved, as 
 a frontispiece to this Volume) on the part of the 
 ladies ; or whether it arose from the want of an 
 address in asking sufficiently unabashed on his 
 part ; or whether some of the buffetings which 
 he complains of, might not, like the giants in 
 Tom Thumb, have been factitious, * together with 
 half a hundred other whethers, which I am not wise 
 enough in whethers to be able to decide upon just 
 now, shall all be discussed, as amply as the Reader's 
 heart can wish, in the folio history of his life, 
 which (with a preface, containing an account of 
 
 * He made the giants first, and then he killed them. 
 
 B
 
 XVIH PREFACE. 
 
 all <lie Big personages, who have maintained a 
 Muse before him, and a postscript containing- an 
 account of all the Lill/e ones) f have been so 
 lucky as to find a finished morceau anioni^st his 
 manuscripts. 
 
 Till tins shall make its appearance, (which in 
 case neither an earthquake or a deluge sliould iiitcr- 
 vene to interrupt my editorial labours, I am in- 
 clined to hope will be before the conclusion of the 
 present ccntuvvO, all parties may, with my full 
 consent, sit down patiently with this conclusion 
 that if he really underwent but one tv.entieth part 
 of the amorous disasters which he laments, he met 
 with rough treatment enough to punish him for all 
 his demerits during his life-time, and therefore 
 ought in conscience to meet with gentle trt-adnent 
 from the critics after his decease- 
 Having thus disposed for the defunct (I trust 
 with tolerable adroitness) of the only considera- 
 tions, concerning which he would, if still alive, 
 have felt much real anxiety, I shall simply say to 
 the aforesaid reader in behalf of myself (who nm
 
 PREFACE. XIX 
 
 slill alive), how lieartily I wisli, for both our sakcs. 
 (hat I could have laid my hands upon a text a little 
 more amusing ; and how deeply I lament, for one 
 of our sakes, that [ am not so fortunate as to be 
 the owner of an Encyclopa} Ha, as, under such aus- 
 pices I could, Avithout cndangeriiis: my iiealth by 
 too much labour, surely have made shift t( have 
 swelled my little bundle of notes and illustrations 
 into such a goodly fashionable-sized Appendix, as 
 must have perforce obliged him to reverence me as 
 a most learned and indefatigable editor; and, in 
 case these my proteges should ever have the honour 
 of appearuig in circulation, to pay the Bookseller 
 a double price for the Vohime that contains them
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 C O N 1^ E S t) E S F O U S. 
 
 PART I. 
 
 Page 
 
 PRO LOG LE, Ode to Idleness 3 
 
 The Lady's Fall, or Fcelinii wd ahvar/s the Truth . . 5 
 
 The Dean and the Tumbler 1'^ 
 
 'The Quid pro 'S.uo 13 
 
 Tfie Liberal Patron 15 
 
 Filial Piety 21 
 
 Nursery Talc 24 
 
 Dolus versus Virtus 29 
 
 Tale from the French 38 
 
 Tale of other Times 39 
 
 ANTI-TICKLER, 
 
 PART I. 
 
 Stanzas 59 
 
 On being reproached by a Lady for never having vjritten 
 
 Verses on her 6 ) 
 
 On a Present of a String of Beads 62 
 
 Stanzas 64 
 
 J he Lover^s Dream 65 
 
 To 67 
 
 To Sleep 68 
 
 Troni the Italian 6y 
 
 ll'r/tten under a Lady's Picture 72 
 
 / lir P<ir(idor 73
 
 \XIl CONTr. N'lS. 
 
 Stanzas 74 
 
 S'anzas 75 
 
 On being facttiouslii cnniplii/iciited [/>/ a I.ad'/ <-n luiviiig 
 Tulkidh r tn Sleep (hiriii^^iui illness, aj'ter I.uiuUi- 
 
 nitin had Jailed 77 
 
 Fr()7)i the lUdian 7S 
 
 Stanzas 7() 
 
 The Creditor Outivitted 8 1 
 
 From the Italian rj Guarini 82 
 
 Stanzas S J 
 
 From the French ' 84 
 
 To a Diamond Butterfly S.") 
 
 'To a B<dl(td'Siiigfr 8() 
 
 Epiiirant an Madame La I 'alUcre 87 
 
 ^ Thought jxtrthf from the lialian 8.S 
 
 ."tarrjis^ ' S<t 
 
 Stni I / a Yoniig J.kJ:/ zi'/lh so:i.'e J'io::irs on her Birth- 
 Da;/ . / '. <0 
 
 Stanzas 91 
 
 Stanzas [VI 
 
 Stanzas ! ) 4 
 
 I'ragme'd ^T) 
 
 Stanzas !(> 
 
 On a Ladifs Dng.s Cn'lur !)7 
 
 On seeing II Yoinig Ijidq (Liguing to put \ti: Jiitis to 
 
 n7y Old Sl'ir:s .7 97 
 
 To Miss on her leai'/.i^ J: r L'>iiJ >n <)S 
 
 Sent to a Young Ijuhj on a ll'i I Morning 9!) 
 
 Stanzas 1 oo 
 
 Rlutj'Sndii I'M 
 
 Stanzas 1 1 ) 1 
 
 To the Nighting.tl? 1 _' 
 
 'To / ( y'-r rile i ().; 
 
 huproniptu 1 i i4 
 
 Siunzus Ill 
 
 Ode to the Moon behind a ( I md lOo 
 
 yiglit Thought 1 1 17 
 
 Patience lii -> 
 
 To the East Wind 1 1'! i 
 
 To Love Ill 
 
 On :ee/)fg a )'()ung !.<id'/ l-miin:: wi n t)<> I'.iiv^, and 
 some liov.ers In ildng vir.; pule n., a j'msn/ 
 
 Mnrniirj; ,'.\ '. .....'. 1 H
 
 CONTENTS. XXIU 
 
 Page 
 
 The Inconstant 114 
 
 Printed into an Old Almanack 114 
 
 Song 115 
 
 ft'rilten in a Y'lung Lady's Album 116 
 
 Fragment 117 
 
 Rondeau 118 
 
 Ode to Modest!/ 1 U) 
 
 On seeing a Young Lady Blushing immediately after 
 
 Sighing 120 
 
 To Fancy 1 '- 1 
 
 Dirge I'i? 
 
 Oil seeing a Gnen Flandkerchief very often round the 
 
 Neck of an Irish Young J.ady 1 '-3 
 
 Stanzas 1-3 
 
 ToTruth V2^ 
 
 Stanzas 1 - j 
 
 7 an Angry Lady zvith Bright Eyes I - *> 
 
 ANTl-TiCKLER, 
 
 PAIJT IT. 
 
 On a Tall hu t InaniviaL Young Lady 1^1 
 
 To Mrs. Siddons 1 3'i 
 
 Epigram and Amende Honorable 1 3 J 
 
 Epinram 134 
 
 Inscription 1 3 J 
 
 /epigram 1 3i) 
 
 'Thought J rout the French 137 
 
 Jeu ii Esprit 1 3S 
 
 Inscription in a Ci llur Bonk 138 
 
 On hearing n Gentleman boasting (f the Antiquiti/ oj his 
 
 Famly ' 139 
 
 On a Stupid and Avaricious Physician 1 3i) 
 
 .fob's Comfort 1 40 
 
 On seeing a Pompous Funeral for a Bad Husband . . . 140 
 
 Epigram 1 4 1 
 
 AnsvJtr to an Indelicate I '(dentine 1-^ - 
 
 To a Friend iiho had ordered an Extravagant Dinner at 
 
 a Co fee /louse 14? 
 
 ITritlcii in the Eirsl J'age of' Jireniiah 'Ta.'ilor':: .ermous 14,> 
 
 from the 'Tickler ^.f 143
 
 XXIV CONTENTS. 
 
 P ;' 
 
 Lines hi/ Xinon De L Eitclos and Answer 1 44 
 
 For a Glee 1 4j 
 
 IFrilten sportkcly in the First Page of a Fricncts Book l46 
 On hearing a Disagreeable IVonuui complain of Man's 
 
 laconstancij , 1 47 
 
 On hearing the Klfe <f a Man of Genius plat/jull// call 
 
 her Husband a Toad 147 
 
 The Modest Poet 1 48 
 
 From the French 1 4( 
 
 To Sleep I .")() 
 
 Epigrams 1 5,3 
 
 Epigrams 1 ->4 
 
 To a Set of ITooden Chessmen 1 ."> "' 
 
 Epitaph on a Dos: 1 M) 
 
 On a Dog's Colhu- 1(30 
 
 From the French 1 1'" 
 
 To an Old Court Calendar 1 fi 1 
 
 To an Odd Gentltman !(>-"> 
 
 To a Jack- Ass l66 
 
 From the French of Marquis dc Fuloi/ K^'*^ 
 
 Toa Rush Tight : I6<t 
 
 Pra'jer for mij Enemies 1 7~ 
 
 Epigram 173 
 
 Epigram 1 74 
 
 To a Cnaktng ICIuel 17t 
 
 Epigrams 170 
 
 Pa^itnral 178 
 
 Jrom the Frencii 1 7* < 
 
 On being asked for / 'erses 1 7( ' 
 
 Epigrams 180, \^'- 
 
 coNTRs r)i:s loi s, 
 
 FAirr II. 
 
 Amends 1 ^ . 
 
 An Apologue Sublimely Moral !*" 
 
 Parenlid Tenderness 19-' 
 
 The Three and the Doctor '-.'03 
 
 COM !
 
 CONTES BES F O U S. 
 
 Entire nom. 
 
 Racine.
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 ODE TO IDLE NESS. 
 
 \J GENTLE Idleness ! \vc all 
 
 Revile thee for a very devil ; 
 Thee, most ungrateful, dare to call 
 
 The root accurs'd of every evil. 
 
 Yet, scarce doth History's bloud-stainM page 
 Record one crime dcvis'd by thee ; 
 
 Not thine the restless Conqueror's rage. 
 The watchful Tyrant's stern decree ; 
 
 Thou doom'dst not Africk's hapless son 
 To perish in the pois'nous mine ; 
 
 Nor either India was undone 
 By any rotaries of thine : 
 
 In safety Wealth may rest his head. 
 
 Thou send'st no midnight murd'rer forth ; 
 
 Who courts thee, would not leave his bed 
 For more than CrcEsus e'er was worth.
 
 i PROLOG LE. 
 
 For, all that own thy drowsy sway 
 Are fat, good-humour'd, thoughtle;?* elves 
 
 No lust for power or gold have they ; 
 Poes to no creatures but themselves I 
 
 Where'er extends thy peaceful reign, 
 A thousand harmless pleasures meet ; 
 
 The Dance, the Song, are in thy train. 
 And careless Mirth, and Converse sweet. 
 
 Thou bad'st the fragrant Pipe to burn, 
 Thou bad'st to flow the social Bowl, 
 
 To sound the huntsman's cheerful Horn, 
 The spring-suspended Coach to roll. 
 
 Then let Mankind at length confess 
 By thee unn<jmber'd joys they prove ; 
 
 Thou taught'st to prate, to flirt, to dress, 
 Nay, haply also, taught'st to love. 
 
 P.ul, if they still presvnnc to question. 
 Sweet Idleness ! thy ])ower benign, 
 
 'IV^U thf-rn, tliat but lor tiiy suggest ion, 
 / iit;\ r had penn'd a single liiu-.
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 ^ale t^e Bvfst. 
 
 THE LADY S FALL, OK FEEtlNG NOT ALWAYS THE TRUTH. 
 
 Quadrigis petimus bene vivere. 
 
 Horace, 
 
 JL E Ladies grand whom Fate hath thrown 
 To dwell in stately Mary-bone, 
 
 My humble Muse presumes to greet you : 
 Her tale shall teach you not to stray 
 From tonish trades-folk far away, 
 
 Merelj/, poor souls ! because they cheat you. 
 
 And be content in Coaches fine 
 
 Through Bond-street and Pull-mall to shine. 
 
 And steal the saunt'ring Guardsmen's hearts 
 For Coaches fine were made, no doubt. 
 To bear your own sweet forms about, 
 
 Aiid not to serve for Bat'-yfaofe-carts.
 
 COMTS Di:S FOLS. 
 
 A I ady dwelt, no matter where, 
 
 liut 'twas not i'ar from Portnian-square ; 
 
 The Papers dft proclaim'd lier fame. 
 At pic-nic, concert, rout, or hall, 
 She wa.s tlic p^ayest of them all, 
 
 Hight Lady Slyboots was her name. 
 
 in Icurnur:^ too a very sage. 
 
 She'd SPELL the Post's instructive page- 
 Not that al(,tnc, wherein arc read 
 
 The slippery tricks of dashing ht!!* > ; 
 
 But that snug corner too, which tell> 
 The price of Tallow, Soap, and Bread : 
 
 And where m letters neat, and small. 
 The co>t of Meat at Leadenhall, 
 
 And Newgate IMarket's duly shown. 
 At length w ilh grief and rage she found, 
 That City-i'Utchers sold per ])0und 
 
 Three l"arthn)gs cheaper than her omii 
 
 Miss Fame, moreover, did nport, 
 Near Leadctdiall. m Market-court.
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 If down the area-stairs you 'd creep. 
 At Number Four a Sybil dwelt^ 
 In Cordials, Lace, and Tea that dealt. 
 
 And Washing- did prodigious cheap. 
 
 My Coach ! my Coach prepare ! cried she, 
 No ear shall hear, no eye shall see ; 
 
 The things can all be stviff''d inside ; 
 The Meat behind the seats I'll stow, 
 The Linen backwards all shall go. 
 
 Myself will forwards proudly ride. 
 
 Thus every week, whilst traces crack. 
 Her Meat and Linen brings she back ; 
 
 And prythee. Reader, where's the shame ? 
 Nay, Coachy, never scratch thine head 
 Thou ^dst know, if Homer * once thou 'dst read, 
 
 That Princesses have done the same ! 
 
 * It would be liighly impertinent, I am well aware, to 
 iiiiit even to our female readers, (if female readers we 
 should be so lucky as to have) that this must allude to the 
 /tnry of Nausicaii, the daughter of king AlcinoLis a story,
 
 CONTES DES FOL^ 
 
 Thrice into port she safely past, 
 r.ut fickle Fortune frown'd at last 
 
 And, mark how curs'd a trick she j^lav'd 
 'Tis said she vieu'd with jealous eyes 
 A mortal t"t,m;\le grown so wise. 
 
 Herself a froward foolish jade. 
 
 by the h\c, wherein siicli of iheni as liare read it in the 
 (irigiv.al Grce,':, must iiiidoiii)tedly have been edified by ob- 
 ?crving the dignitying effect of genuiii!' simplicity, since it 
 enables tifis unsophisticated Princes*, witli inimitable gravity, 
 toliarangue his Majesty, her PAPPA, (a venerable tifle, which 
 Mr. Cowper regrets his inabilitv to translate) on the seem- 
 liness of clean apparel for a king ; to pack up his iniclean 
 apparel, together with that of the Queen, her mother, the 
 iive princes, her brotln rs, and her own, into a goodly bun- 
 dle, and to drive it, not in a snug close toach, but in an open 
 L'iiariot tliroii'::h tin- streets, ilown to the river, there to wash 
 it with her <.'.v!i fair r.nd royal hands in cold water, without 
 3 bit of sol:-.) ' to wring it, hang it out tu dry, and bring 
 it fairlv br.ek again (lo say notliing of iier game at romps 
 with her aH-ist;mt hlanv'ii.sscuscs, or lier flirtation with a gen- 
 ('m,'''. i!'ia''orn" 1 by au;/ aj)par. L eltlier clean oi dirty'
 
 CONTES DES FOUS, 
 
 But some have ventur'd to surmise, 
 (But this her coach -?iuiker denies) 
 
 The axle-trees were weak and thin ; 
 And some have ta'en it in their knobs. 
 That Coachy, who dishk'd such jobs. 
 
 Forgot to put the hnch-pins in. 
 
 " Fan- laugh'd the morn," in stately pridi/ 
 O'er 7'ich Cornhill, through gaj/ Cheapside. 
 
 Triumphant roll'd th' exulting' Dame, 
 " Too soon a sad reverse to know," 
 For, well-a-day ! alaek ! and oh ! 
 
 Down, down at once the Coach it came ! 
 
 How shall my faltering numbers tell 
 What various ruin thunderin"- fell 
 
 without having excited in our minds a single idea either o: 
 the ridiculous or vulgar: whereas Pope (I trust it is not 
 sacrilege to say) certainly brings this, her so conuiiendabli- 
 morning's amusement, some few paces within the bounda- 
 ries of the former by his orcr-anxiety to make it more 
 genteel; while Cowper involves it not a little in the hitler, 
 by his almost affectedly aukward manner of rt-lating ii.
 
 JO CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 Whilst floundering all beneath lay she ; 
 Sheets, Stockings, Small Clothes, Shifts, Shirts, Stocks. 
 Veal, Mutton, legs and wings of Ox, 
 
 With eke some pounds of smuggled Tea ! 
 
 Nine times she -<creech'd ; at Temple Bar "^ 
 Kach screech was heard ; each screech afar 
 
 Thro' scjuares, and streets, and allies rung 
 The tenth a luckless sweet-bread jiop 
 l-'ull in her mouth conlriv'd to drop. 
 
 And slojjp'd her sweet meU .iioiis tongue. 
 
 Some tried to raise the Coach a weight,, 
 lor Archimedc>' ))owcrs too great ; 
 
 Whilst others mounted and peep'd in : 
 J5ut when they spied the medley there, 
 The rascals ! some tliey paus'd to stare, 
 
 And some, 1 ween, they paus'd U> grin. 
 
 A passing waui, who heard the clatter, 
 
 Popp'd up and cried, " Pray what's the matter ?" 
 
 * Audiit et Trivi;r loiige lacus, audiit umnis, &c. Szr
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. II 
 
 But, when th' unpitying- rogues impart; 
 How still the Lady lay perdue. 
 And how to find her no one knew. 
 
 Compassion touch'd his g-allant heart. 
 
 '' 'Tis mine," he cried, " the task to dare.. 
 " My hands shall ferret out the Fair ;" 
 
 So, bold he climb'd athwart the wheel. 
 Long thro' the chaos grop'd about. 
 At length made sure he 'd felt her out. 
 
 But felt, instead, a leg of Veal ! 
 
 Back flew his hand with trembling haste. 
 Around he turn'd ; his face aghast 
 
 The dismal tale already told 
 ' Alas ! my friends ! our aid's too late; 
 " Weep, weep the luckless Lady's fate ; 
 
 " This hand hath felt her stiff and cold '"
 
 12 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 ale rtje <S)econii, 
 
 iHF, DEAN ANU THE TLMBLEK. 
 
 Miitato nomine, do te Fabula nairatur. //or 
 
 As Dean Corpulent saddled one day thro' the street, 
 A poor Hltle Urchin tell down at his feet; 
 
 And began tumbling heels over head. 
 And head over heels he kept tumbling so fast, 
 And heels over head, till rising at last. 
 
 He a halfpenny begg'd for his meed. 
 
 Pshaw, that 's nothing ; a halfpenny ! no, not a doit ; 
 A reward, you young rogue, for that easy exploit ! 
 
 Cio, 'tis not deserving of any." 
 " Is 't so easy indeed ?" quoth the saucy young elf: 
 ' Then down if you please, sir, and do it youreif 
 "^nd, by jingo, l' It ii'ivc you ^painy''
 
 CONTES DES FOTJS. \3 
 
 tJCatc tlje %l)kti* 
 
 THF. QUID PRO QUO. 
 
 Miss Deborah Dry was a beautiful maiden, 
 But at forty her beauties showed syiriptoms of fading: 
 For the hair on her head it began to grow thin, 
 But to make her amends, it came thick on her chin. 
 
 In vain was the bear's grease, in vain was the tweezer, 
 Monsieur Patch so she sent for, who vow'd he would 
 
 ease her. 
 For my Lickvid cle Russie your locks vill restore you, 
 And your beard ve'U vash off, vid I'Eau Depilatori/. 
 
 Now her boy had o'erheardthem, for lo, the young sinner 
 Had been laying the cloth in the next room for dinner ; 
 He was rung for, dis})alch\l, and brought jjack from tlie 
 
 shop ^ 
 
 Two huge bottles. Miss Deb.'s parts affected to sop ;
 
 14 CONTES DES FOLS. 
 
 Well, to sopping her pate and her phiz wcnl the lady ; 
 But her pate grew more bare, and her phiz y,"re\v more 
 
 shady, 
 Insomuch that her liair, as a body may say, 
 SeemM to travel just like Birnain Wood in the i)lay. 
 
 All in tears Patch she hied to, and thus she l)egan 
 '' These two l)Ottles have ruin'd me, oh, you vile man ! 
 For each time that I've us'd them, my liair has fled 
 
 quicker. 
 Whilst, ah me! on my cliin than a Jew's 'tis grown 
 
 thicker!" 
 
 " Sucre Dicii '" cried Mon-icur, with a horrible grin, 
 " Dcsetwo va^hcshad evn'cd bote your (etc and your shin. 
 But dat rogue of a ;-</;f o..- you sent, me be shot else, 
 -n^;T-chan"'d de two labels 1 stuck on de bottles.
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 15 
 
 f 
 
 3!e t^e JFottcti^. 
 
 THE LIBERAL PATRON. 
 
 Sus atque Sacerdos. 
 
 Propria qtitr marUn 
 
 A SauiRE there was^ a mighty Squire was he, 
 As great a man as eye could wisli to see ; 
 
 One who 'd at least a thousand pounds a year ; 
 Aye, and was willing too, as well as able. 
 To be exceeding hospitable ; 
 And, lord! he 'd almost drown you with his beer ! 
 Hard by his house, upon a humble hillock. 
 
 The humble Curate's humble Cottage rose ; 
 There are proud rogues who would havecurs'd their ill 
 luck. 
 To be thus perch'd under the Squire's nose : 
 But then, the Squire was amazing kmd. 
 And now and then the Paraon with him din'd ,
 
 16 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 And then the Squire behav'd so like a friend ; 
 No formal card, or niessaj^e would he send 
 
 Forms, which the world may fancy civil, 
 
 But which, 'twixt these, were voted to the devil.- 
 Within the circuit of his ample liall, 
 A tube, through which hoarse seamen us'd to bawl, 
 
 Yclept a speaking-tnmipet, hung ; 
 And noiv, whene'er the Squire did incline 
 To ask his Reverend Friend to dine. 
 
 Straightway he op'd the window of his room. 
 
 And thro' the trumpet said or sung 
 " Come to dmnt. ! Parson, to dinner Parson come I"- 
 And whensoe'er the Parson heard his voice. 
 His very entrails did rejoice. 
 
 One day the Priest sat at his window hutching 
 His >.ermon, or, to sptak plain I'.nglish, watching 
 Whether th.e wish'd-for summons would be heard. 
 When lo ! to his extreme surprise, 
 (Indeed he scarce believ'd his eyes). 
 His Patron at t!ic door appear'd ! 
 At this the Parson felt his heart full glad, 
 Ami whipping on the only coat he had,
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 17 
 
 The door he open'd with a humble bow, 
 " Parson, I come to a^k you how you do r 
 And farther, to request that you 
 
 \\"\\\ please t" accept a ("hinese sow." 
 The Parson lov'd a roa;;tcr from his soul; 
 Ikit, sooth to say, it seldom was his lot ; 
 Lumps of fat pork, indeed, he sometimes gut. 
 And sometimes eke a ras.her on the coal ; 
 ];ut times are alter'd now, 
 For lo ! tlie Squire presents a sow ! 
 His chops wept tear* of pleasure at the thought, 
 With gratitude his inmost man was fraught. 
 The obligation was so vastly big. 
 
 " On one condition then I give the sow " 
 " On one condition, pray, sweet sir, as how r" 
 '< Why, when she pigs, which will be twice a year. 
 As there 's no breed on earth I hold so dear, 
 I trust you 'II favour me with every pig .'"
 
 18 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 %nU tl)e JFift^*- 
 
 * As the reader cannot reasonably be supi)03C(.l to hav( 
 as yet discovered how steadfastly both the Author and the 
 Editor have always been resolved to enjoy the dulct dcsiperc 
 after their own fashitjn, I must beseech him to give us credit 
 ior not having inserted these blank pages in paltry imitation 
 i>i the very worst of our inimitable <.)ld friend Tristrau'.
 
 CONTES DtS FOUS. 19 
 
 Shandy's jokes ; for the truth is, that the story standing the 
 fifth in the MS. (which I of course conceive, and the reader, 
 on the acknowledged principle of omiie ignotuin pro mugni- 
 fico, is of course bound to conceive also, to be the most 
 savoury of the whole collection), unluckily contains a few 
 inexpunglble personal allusions, which, though playfully 
 meant, and playfully received by the good-natured friend 
 who was their object, it might, I suspect, be playing with 
 edged tools, to promulgate, just at present ; and yet, to my 
 fancy, this same Collection, without it, shines with such 
 diminished lustre, that I sometimes fret myself lest the title
 
 40 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 should be considered as a misnoniLT : I hiiw tliHifoie niiidr 
 ffee to leave a vacant niche, in the consolatory hope that by 
 the time the Volume lias run through forty or fifty edition> 
 at farthest, all the parties concerned, the Eilitcjr included, 
 may be gone to sleep with their fathers ; anil then, it does 
 tickle my fancy to think how many grave personages, who 
 are now riding on walking-sticks, or studying their horn- 
 books, will, in spite of their long beards, (for I don't doubt 
 that the fashionable mustachios will ere then be grown into 
 long beards) be made to smile a little at my li iead's uncouth 
 though I trust not mischievous vagaries.
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 21 
 
 'Stale tf)t <S-5i|;t. 
 
 KFLIAL I'lETY^ OR THE ADVr.l.ii ONL\ 1 1.Lt'STIi A! TD. 
 
 TlotlfuHXds T( vuv /M.0( jtcavliUEa* aiifuv oXi9pv. 
 
 Jack Wild, I wis, a gentle youth, 
 Endow'tl with courage, sense, and truth. 
 
 Had sometimes cash, had sometimes none 
 But, cash or none, he laugVi'd at care. 
 For why ? he always tliought it fan-, 
 
 With all who'd tru?t, in debt to run : 
 
 Now, tho' he still had found a way 
 To keep his creditors at bay. 
 
 Yet would he, ever and anon. 
 Before belund him, slyly glance. 
 Lest he, that thing abhorrM, perchance 
 
 Should meet, which mortals call a Dun :
 
 22 CONTES DES FOUS, 
 
 One day, full drest, into tlie street, 
 He sallied forth his looks <u ^weet, 
 
 r^ach fair-one of her heart btguil'd; 
 When lo ! a iMastiff of the Law 
 IJ^pon his shoulder el;i|)])'d his paw, 
 
 And said " Your sarvant. Mister Vild.' 
 
 " Paws ofl", you dog- I" in dire distress 
 IJoar'd Jack, who soon began to guess, 
 
 No good by tiiis concise address meant; 
 ]5ul, as the folks seeni'd fain to grin, 
 '' Sweet sir," adds he, " do ]j; ay step in 
 
 Mcj) in, and take some .dight refreshment. 
 
 Nor lifcf, nor beer, n<-)r words avail 
 And, Ut f<>r findnig cash or bail, 
 
 P^haw, that "s a task beyond his wit : 
 lint, tho' no ray of hope he spie.-,, 
 r!nnk> iie, it would at least look wise 
 
 To ask to see the rascal's writ ; 
 
 But ere he 'd puzzled half way througii, 
 Hri'jht and more bright Ill's visage grew,
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 23 
 
 His heart it wax'd exceeding- glad ! 
 The scroll at length he cast away. 
 Began to caper and huzza ! 
 
 Thought Nab Vhy, zounds 1 the gemman 's mad ', 
 
 " Nay, look !" cried Jack, " the matter 's clear. 
 You 're sent to seize a John Wild here; 
 
 But one thing you 've mistaken rather ; 
 You were not sent to clap, d'ye see. 
 Your d n'd ungodly paws on me. 
 
 But onI>/ on my Father .'"
 
 -24 
 
 COMES DES FOUS 
 
 ^ale tlje ^eiJtnt^ 
 
 NUV.SF.IIY TALI. 
 
 Deoipimur specie recti. 
 
 Sii! Huptrt Kainljlf jounic\'(l home " 
 Kn)m lands beyond the >eas, 
 
 And with him brouj^^ht a Monkey ih'oli. 
 His lady fair to please. 
 
 "^ This must have been written, I presume, during ihc 
 ' c^tacies whieh all XUc great as wiil as little masters and 
 misses of this (Mihglitened empire were thrown into by the 
 notable Adveiitnres oi Mother Hubbard and her Dog; a 
 rille whieh, however insignihcaiit it may seem, to the zcise 
 incs, who have never learnt by experience how much sweat 
 >>i tl\e brow it costs to make a tolcriildc joke, it nuist have 
 re.'juired a prettv competence of humour to have been able
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 25 
 
 This Monkey was a merry blade. 
 
 Sir Puggy was his name, 
 Who, whatsoe'er he saw folks do, 
 
 Still strove to do the same : 
 
 One day Sir Rupert's chin he saw 
 The barber soap and shave. 
 
 And straight on Puss his skill to try 
 Resolv'd the truant knave ; 
 
 He seiz'd her fast, and held her down 
 
 In vain did Puss oppose. 
 He from her face shav'd all the hair, 
 
 And likewise half the nose : 
 
 With irons hot her hair to curl, 
 
 My Lady had a custom ; 
 Pug lik'd the joke, so took the tongs. 
 
 And in the fire he thrust 'em ; 
 
 to afford ; which may, inorcover, boast of having prepiireii 
 tlic way for the t haniiing Peacock at Iloir.e, who certainly 
 gave the least fatiguing rout I ever yet could hear of.
 
 cG CONTES 1>ES FO!JS. 
 
 Ju^L wlieu these lon<rs Mere bright red hot, 
 
 .Did lap-doii" Shock appear; 
 And wliiist lie thought no harm, Sir Pug 
 
 Made free to curl his ear : 
 
 My Lady pinning- on her cap, 
 Pug elianc'd one morn to view ; 
 
 I'll try, tliought he, if I can't look 
 As handsome, Ma'am, hs you; 
 
 He got a ca}), and eke a pin. 
 
 But made a precious job, 
 I'or half an inch the pin he drove 
 
 Into /;/,s' ot:/; wise knob : 
 
 (Jft to the lire Sir Rupert turn'd 
 
 To warm his ])arts behind; 
 I'liought Pug, my own sweet breech to treat 
 
 / also have a niiiid ; 
 
 Full liali' a yartl his tail stuck (uit. 
 
 \A'lii('li i'uggy sure forgot. 
 It siui'k between the bars, ;<> Pu;.' 
 
 /'.'</(' a warnuna: li'ot :
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 27 
 
 He saw Sir Rupert take some sand 
 
 And throw it on his letter ; 
 Thinks Pug, why / could play this trick 
 
 As well at least, or better ; 
 
 So whilst Sir Rupert turn'd his back 
 
 He play'd a trick indeed. 
 He meant to throw the sand, no doubt. 
 
 But threw the ink instead : 
 
 He saw the nurse-maid giving suck 
 
 Unto the pretty baby. 
 And so a little Pig to catch 
 
 He ran as fast as may be ; 
 
 He held it to his shaggy breast. 
 
 In spite of all its screaming. 
 But Piggy gave him such a gripe. 
 
 That down the blood ran streaming: 
 
 into lier pan the house-maid rak'd 
 Some coals to warm the bed ; 
 
 Why, any fool could do the same, 
 I. nto himself Pug said ;
 
 ~ CONTES DES I'OUS. 
 
 So strai^lit into the shovel bright 
 He rakM out many a cinder; 
 
 And \vt li he xvan/i'd the bed, for sure 
 rie burnt tlit- slieets to tnidcr. 
 
 Yet, spite ol" ali his trnant Irickti, 
 
 He was a pleasant eh'. 
 And learnt m men's aTi<l women's clothe 
 
 At last to (h-e^5. liimseh : 
 
 Sir Rupert's eiotlus he oft put on, 
 
 Anil oi' my Ladv'stoo; 
 And, li'yoM a>k im.' liow he lookM- 
 
 !Tc i-ome!in-,'^ fo>'k"d like i/on '
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 29 
 
 %di\t ttje ig^tf). 
 
 DOLUS versus VIRIUS. 
 
 Isque ubi se nullo jam cursu evadere piigna 
 Posse, neqiie instantem avevtere cernit, 
 
 Cousilio versare dolos ingressus et astu, 
 Incipit hsec, Quid tarn egregium ? &c. 
 
 Bewaue, ye Lawyers pert ! beware ! 
 Seek other game, nor rashly dare 
 
 * Something not unlike the ensuing story has certainly 
 been told before ; and, for aught 1 know to the contrary, it 
 may even have been told in print : but what of that? it can 
 scarcely have been told before in verse, which is full as much 
 as any of the most venerable antient Poets could say of 
 their stories, and a little more than many of our most 
 illustrious modern Bards can say of theirs. 
 
 D
 
 .^0 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 On Squires so stout to run the rig'; 
 For Squires sometimes desert tlie lists 
 Of ars>iuneiit, and take to fists. 
 
 And Srjiihes have fists l)oth hard and big : 
 
 And ye good honest men an<l true, 
 Y(,' Squir; s of Eni^Umd I 'tis for yon 
 
 1 he moral of my tale I mean 
 O never, never measure wit 
 With Lav.yers (or egad you're V)it), 
 
 For Lawyers' hi'ud.i arc Img and kfci^ ' 
 
 Tom Shar[nvit was a Lawyer younp^, 
 Within whose mouth there dwelt a ton'_;ue 
 
 And such a tongue I aye, there's the ruli ' 
 His very ereed it was, 'tis said, 
 To talk, the human race were made 
 
 A kind of hui^e debating club : 
 
 Where'er he went, his tonr^ue went too. 
 Its tones like hail descendins^ flew, "< 
 
 =^ II [ were not afraid of being set down a* a pedant i 
 sort ol an Lditor for so soon again bringing in fb)mt'r,
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 31 
 
 St. Vitus, or Old Nick, was in it; 
 Let Siddons act, let Andrews preach, 
 Or B in Alt shrill Braham reach, 
 
 'Twas never fairly still a minute ! 
 
 would remind the learned readers (^tlutt is to say, those wlio 
 have reud C\,-wper's translation) that these are in fact the 
 very tones ais'.gned to Ulysses by the Grecian Bard, who 
 would surely have deemed it a httle out of character to have 
 assigned accents 
 
 " Soft as the fleeces of descending snows" 
 
 to a broad-shouldered warrior, sent to threaten a set of per- 
 sonages who slaughtered oxen witli their own liancls, and 
 then, according to the most accurate calculations from the 
 events usually recorded to have taken plice during th.e 
 roasting, must have devoured the carcases half raw, having 
 no smad inclination to do the same by those of their 
 slaughtered fellow-creatures, almost as nuich out of cha- 
 racter, as his liege disciple Mr. Bigge would have thought it 
 to attribute a similar inefficient eloquence to a brisk young 
 Templar contending albeit in perfect amity, (for young 
 Templars, to do them justice, have too much good educa- 
 tion to get often really out of temper in debate) witli his 
 doughty brethren in Ian:
 
 32 
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 Xay, as Demosthenes so grufF 
 
 Hi-> mouth brimful of stones would stuff", 
 
 /\nd then for practice roar and shout; 
 So, (;'en whilst dinner fill'd his jaws, 
 Toin, his disciple, scorn'd to pause, 
 
 But ^ti'l would wrangle, prate, and spout 
 
 Yet not one breath was idly spent. 
 Each sentence was an argument, 
 
 A battle tough each conversation ; 
 He never ask'd a friend llie news. 
 Or told his clerk to black his shoes. 
 
 Without a .sort of set oration. 
 
 (Jh then he 'd language without end 
 Each cause t' attack or to defend. 
 
 Could save or hang you every thief. 
 But one thing soineivhat check'd his fame. 
 It was (Attornies I fie for shame !) 
 
 He ne'er had had a single brief! 
 
 But still in Court his place he took, 
 With })a]:)ers tied, like briefs to look.
 
 CONTES DES FOLS. 33 
 
 And there would stretch, and yawn, and sig-h, 
 For there perforce poor Tom was dumb, 
 Till, tir'd at length with sitting mum, 
 
 York Sessions he resolv'd to try. 
 
 As London scene-shifters may rage 
 The heroes of a Country Stage, 
 
 So Tom at York 's in huge re]>utc ; 
 for scarce arriv'd, 'tis his to view 
 " For Mr. Sharpwit two pounds two. 
 
 Assault and battery Squire Brute." 
 
 '' Mow ! now \" cried Tom, " the roc^ues we 'II show 
 Whether Fve got a tongue or no !" 
 
 Ah ! Tom, thy rash ambition smother ; 
 That truant tongue for once restrain. 
 For what hath been, may be again. 
 
 And who 's thrash'd o)ie, may thrash another ! 
 
 But 'twas in sheer abuse alone, 
 That all great orators have shone.
 
 34 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 So Tom (no thous2^ht of danger awing) 
 Resolv'd Demosthenes his model, 
 Flaming Philippics in his noddle 
 
 To tip the Squire a clapper-clawing. 
 
 With varied tones the Court-house rung, 
 With thunders now he cloth'd his tongue, 
 
 Now c,ibes and jeers profusely scattered; 
 Th' Athenian hold, the Roman pure, 
 Nay W d's self, the Eiii^lixli hrciver, 
 
 Poor devil never so hesnatler'd. 
 
 The Chairman '? wak'd the Cause is won 
 \11 but the Squire enjoy the fim : 
 
 The Scjuire in dudgeon homeward steers; 
 A message frames thai very night, 
 That Tom ere dawn must rise and fight, 
 
 Or else take leave of both his ears ! 
 
 Poor Tom, wlio loves both life and ears, 
 Th' alternative fo ticklish hear-
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 With hair erect, and visage pale, 
 His heart within him " trenibhng-, fainting', 
 Beyond the Muse's power of painting," 
 
 And so he pops into the mail : 
 
 Crack goes the whip the horses tly 
 Shrill sounds the horn his heart beats high- 
 
 For now the Squire he flings outright. 
 Ah ! little dream'st thou, luckless Tom ! 
 The self-same seat which hold:; thy b ra; 
 
 Shall hold his b m to-morrow nisfht ' 
 
 And 'twas not fair, stern Squire Brute, 
 To make such dev'lish hot pursuit ; 
 
 Tom never hated thee a bit, 
 E'en when he gave thee hardest knocks, 
 More than a butcher Jiutes an ox, 
 
 But merely rail'd to show his wit. 
 
 The Morning Post makes duly known. 
 The great Squire Brute 's arriv'd in Town : 
 
 3ii
 
 36 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 Tom trembles ; but he trembles more. 
 His nose when out of window popping^ 
 He spies his foe so sturdy, stopping 
 
 Ye Gods ! just opposite his door I 
 
 Poor Tom no more his chamber quits. 
 But, sad behind two doors, he sits, 
 
 Secur'd by lock, bolt, bar, and chain ; 
 Without, mis-spelt, is stuck a scrawl. 
 Saying '' Out of Town Leave letters all 
 
 At Mrs. Scout's in Fetter-lane." 
 
 Now had the Squire perchance been gravell'd. 
 And, grumbling, back to York had travell'd 
 
 Had not the rascal of a slater 
 His ladder left, whereon old Surly 
 Thought it no sin, one morning early, 
 
 Just to sle]> up and reconnoitre. 
 
 Down through the roof he clamber'd, poking, 
 fKot him ! I wi>h his neck he 'd broken),
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 37 
 
 To where poor Tom securely snor'd ; 
 " Ha ! have I caught you, prater pert ? 
 ril teach you now to throw your dirt " 
 
 In strains unsweet the Squire roar'd. 
 
 " O grand exploit !" Tom waking said, 
 " To fall upon a man in bed ; 
 
 A pretty hero folks will call you !" 
 " I fall on thee in bed ?" quoth Brute, 
 " I'll see thee d-mn'd before I'll do 't, 
 
 Turn out, and then by George I'll maul you [" 
 
 " I'm naked" " Dress" " But then you'll bang me 
 The while" " No, if I touch you, hang me ; 
 
 Fair play's a jewel ; leave your nest :" 
 " Here goes," quoth Tom, " but will you swear 
 Your c-rs'd manoeuvres to forbear 
 
 Until I'm fairly up and drest ?"' 
 
 " What need of oaths ? pshaw, nonsense, stulK, 
 I'm Yorkshire is not that enough r
 
 SS CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 But still, your valour not to balk, 
 I svvEAu" " You do ? then tl-mu me, Sir_, 
 If out of bed one toe I stir, 
 
 Until you're snug again at Y'ork .'" 
 
 ^alc t!)t if5inti. 
 
 (From the Frcncli. ) 
 
 One day a Justice much enlarg'd 
 On Industry, as he discharged 
 A Thief from jail ; " Go work, he 
 Go j)rythee learn some better trade. 
 
 Or mark my words you'll rue it :" 
 " My tiade 's as good," replied tbe knave, 
 " As any man need wish to have. 
 And, if it don't succeed, d'ye see. 
 The fault, Sir, lies with you, not m<r 
 
 You won't let me pun^ue it."
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 39 
 
 ^ale t^t Cfnt^. 
 
 A TALE OF OTHER TIMES. 
 
 Oh ! lepidum caput. 
 
 " Bur now sit down, and tell us, do. 
 That little tale about Miss Prue" 
 
 * I must here hide my face amongst the pages of my 
 manuscript, and confess that I find my situation somewhat 
 ticklish, not being able entirely to dismiss from my mind a 
 misgiving, that by presenting the following story to a gene- 
 ration so saintly as the present, I may be bringing into some 
 little transient disrepute no less than two persons, for whose 
 fair fame I feel the most unfeigned solicitude the departed 
 Author (the corset of whose Muse may be thought to have 
 been less tightly laced on this occasion than usual), and the 
 living Editor. I shall however venture to throw both upon 
 tlie tender-hearted Reader's mercy, quite certain that my
 
 40 
 
 CONTES Dl.S FOUS. 
 
 " Lord ! ]Ma*am, whom d' ye take nic for ? 
 For Kissin;^ John the Second* or 
 
 Some luscious Hltle rogue, I'm sure 
 Indeed, Ma'am. I inuat be excus'd. 
 For, faith, I s^hould get so abus'd 
 
 And have to fight a Scotch Review'r : 
 
 poor friend meant to do good instead of harm, hy a good- 
 humoured, thoiigli pcrliaps a rather four-footed satire upon 
 a style of dress formerly prevalent, and not quite consistent 
 with the usual delicacy of our [English females : nevertheless, 
 if any comfortably-clad ladv -jhould feel herself squeamishly 
 disposed, I fairly caution her beforehand immediately to shut 
 botli, her eyes, and tear out the ensuing twenty pages, and I 
 promise, en the faith of an Kiiitor, that I will (upon her 
 sending me a certificate of the same, signed by the Minister 
 and Churchwardens of her parish) forthwith transmit to her, 
 in return, an equal quantity of a- honest Jolui-Trot doggrel, 
 as she can reasonably desire; but if, on the other hand, 
 any half-drest Miss should read on, and then feel hersell 
 offended, to her I trust 1 shall not be deemed disrespectful 
 for replying, " C\sl ie crime Juit la honte, ct non pas I'eclia- 
 fauci." 
 
 * Johannes Secimdns, autlioi of 'I'hv Kisl,<;^.
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 41 
 
 And yet to say you ?io 's a bore ; 
 
 You'll keep my secret, I don't doubt it ; 
 So bolt and double-lock the door, 
 
 And then I'll tell you all about it. 
 
 " Pray, have you ne'er in Paris been : 
 
 Well, entre nous, no more have I ; 
 But there the Punt Ncitf may be seen. 
 
 Unless some scores of travellers lie 
 And there, 'tis said, in days of yore 
 
 A sly Crimp Serjeant took his stand. 
 Who of poor fools inveigled more 
 
 Than any Serjeant in the land : 
 
 Now he ne'er trusted to his tongue, 
 The eye assailing, not the ear, 
 
 Whereby some Critics say, 'tis clear 
 
 He had Horace read, and so he strung 
 
 All on a pole in goodly rows 
 
 Nice hot roast pigs, fowls, tvirkeys, geese 
 Sights, which whene'er a bumpkin sees,"^ 
 
 Straight from his chaps the water flows, 
 He grins, leers, ogles, licks his lips. 
 The steam sniffs up, the gravy sips,
 
 4^ liONTES DS FOUS. 
 
 O'ercome at length, he draws his knile. 
 Cuts and becomes a slave f^r hfe.- 
 
 " But pray. Sir, what has tliis to do 
 With that same talc about I\Ii>s Prue r' - 
 " Why, Ma'am, I mean to say, that this 
 
 Appears to me to be the plan 
 Whereon full many a half-drest i\Tiss 
 
 Proceeds t' enlist a man : 
 
 She tempts him with her beauties all. 
 Or naked, or with covering;' small. 
 And he, poor fellow ! ogles, peeps, 
 Looks foolish leers, and licks his lip.>. 
 Till caught, he takes her for his wife, 
 And he too is a slave for life ! 
 
 Now Heaven forfend that sweet Miss Prue 
 For such a ]Mi<s I should denote; 
 
 P^ut this Pll on my oath say 's true. 
 She wore but one thin jxnicofH 
 
 And thro' that petticoat, Pm sure.. 
 
 If not the colour the rontmn-
 
 CONTES DES FOUS, 
 
 i^ 
 
 Of one plump feature might be guess'd : 
 But lo ! whilst we ivithout were peeping. 
 The saucy winds made free to creep in, 
 
 Unaw'd by her transparent vest ; 
 Whilst only Zephyr, Ma'am, was present. 
 He was an inmate really pleasant. 
 
 For he. Soft Power, did nought but fan ; 
 But, when bland Zephyr, Ma'am, was gone. 
 And Boreas came, affairs went on 
 
 Upon a less agreeable plan ; 
 
 At frst, indeed, his godship rough 
 Was quiet and discreet enough. 
 Fancying himself, for aught I know. 
 At home, in his own realms of snow ; 
 
 But, finding things as sweet as white, 
 Just like a nice, rich, ic'd twelfth-cake. 
 Egad, the rogue resolv'd to take 
 
 ('Tvvas scarcely fair) a little bite. 
 
 I need not say, he left a blain. 
 
 Nor that this blain both itch'd and throbb'd. 
 Nor that Miss Prue both scratched and sobb'd 
 
 And yet. she could have borne the pain
 
 44 CONTES DES FOLS. 
 
 Pain 's a jad evil ! to be sure ; 
 
 But greuLcr griefs tiic L'ss ones cure ; 
 And how- to trip now with an air, 
 Or ?it up stately in her chair 
 
 How in the merry dance to juni}) ? 
 Yet, this was not her ii:ori!t distress; 
 It was, that thro' lier cobtvcb dress 
 
 There certainly appear'd a bump. 
 
 What various nostrums are appUed ' 
 What vari(jUs tricks are vainly trit il ! 
 
 Vain, vain all female art or care is 
 But, when Mamma, in accents faint, 
 Whisper'd " a doctor" who shall {)aint, 
 
 Ye powers ! the modest Maid's cjuandarifs } 
 
 Just cover'd with a little thread, 
 
 Ail men, 'tis true, might at it stare; 
 Yet would she die ere have it said. 
 
 That e'en one man had seen it bare ! 
 Codb ! what a soietrm senate met ! 
 
 Aimts, Cousins, Nurses, Gossi[)s came to't 
 Miss Prue attended in a pet, 
 
 Tlie blain was there too, and be d d to't :
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 45 
 
 At length half-earnest, half in joke, 
 
 Susan " a pillar of the state. 
 
 Prudent deliberation sate 
 Upon her front/' uprose and spoke ; 
 " Lord ! Miss if you 'd be rul'd by me, 
 
 I'm sure I've hit upon a scheme. 
 Whereby a man your case shall see. 
 
 And ne'er of his good-fortune dream." 
 
 " If you '11 but stop a little, pray. 
 
 For now 'tis proper I should tell. 
 That thereabouts, across the way. 
 
 Did an Apothecary dwell : 
 " But what of him ?" " Why, he 'd a Shopman' 
 " And what of him ?"" Why, a tip-top man 
 
 He was reputed at a blain : 
 But tho' he'd cure their other smarts. 
 He never spar'd young Ladies' hearts. 
 
 Being, d' ye see, a killing swain. 
 
 Oft at his window, every day. 
 Mis pretty person he 'd display.
 
 4f6 CONTES DES FOUS, 
 
 And here the fellow shewM his wit ; 
 For, when sheM nothing else to do, 
 I must confess that sweet Miss Prut- 
 Would deign to ogle him a bit : 
 
 Yet, only ogled sweet Miss Prue 
 Tor practice, that her eyes so blue 
 
 With deadlier skill might learn to move : 
 But he quite otherwise would have it. 
 Nay, he 'd have made an affidavit 
 
 She 'd soi!-'d o'er head and ears in love. 
 
 ' Twas 'gainst this youth, be 't sung or said, 
 That wily Susan's plot was laid ; 
 A dark, deep, dev'lish plot indeed, 
 (By Jul. c, I hope it mayn't succeed), 
 For, faith, 'twould be a ])iteoiis case. 
 
 Poor youth ! enovigh to break his heart, 
 T' have got a peep at such a part. 
 And thought he'd only seen a face. 
 
 Well, now I trust you understand 
 
 What wan the scheme which Susan plann'd
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 47 
 
 The murder's out at last, thank Fate, 
 Or else we must have blush'd, I ween, 
 
 And blushes are so scarce of late. 
 To waste 'em 's really quite a sin. 
 
 But husli ! Miss Prue's just popp'd to bed. 
 
 And ah ! the night-cap trimm'd with lace. 
 In happier hours, that deck'd her head. 
 
 Half hides her newly- elected /ate; 
 How things were manag'd, I'm afraid I 
 
 Shall not be able to display. 
 Seeing my Muse, herself a lady. 
 
 Her sex's secrets won't betray. 
 
 I'm sure, howe'cr, the plot to cover. 
 Mamma poor Shopman thus talk'd over, 
 Vowing the case was quite alarming. 
 
 That 'twas an ugly blain or boil. 
 And, that the Girl being now thought charming 
 
 She hop'd her beauty 'twould not spoil ; 
 But she 's so bashful, she can't bear 
 That in her face a man should stare 
 
 So, as, poor thing ! she 's now asleep. 
 Couldn't he steal, and take a peep ?
 
 48 eONTES DES F0U9. 
 
 Friend Shopman was not such a flat 
 As to gulp clown a tale like that : 
 
 For which, two reasons he might plead, 
 First, doubts into his noddle mounted^ 
 Whether Miss Prue could be accounted 
 
 A nynv])h so pUiguj/ coy indeed ; 
 
 And, secondly, he did surmise 
 
 The old Lady told a few x/iite lies ; 
 
 Since (as a secret I'll impart t' ye) 
 Five minutes ere he'd left his home. 
 He'd spied Miss Prue i' th' drawing-room. 
 
 Alive, up, drest, awake, and hearty ; 
 And so, he modestly made sure, 
 I'lie whole must be a ruse d'a/nour. 
 
 i low e'er, he stole up, taking cave 
 Jjiterin.;- to overset a chair, 
 And such like casual noises makings 
 To give her an excuse for waking, 
 Hoping she 'd ope her peepers blue. 
 And sigh, " Ah doctor, is it you ?"
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 49 
 
 But, as she did not wag her jaws. 
 
 She meant him to begin, 'twas plain ; 
 So, after a few hiims and ha's, 
 
 'Twas thus he open'd the campaign : 
 *' I hope. Miss, I ha'n't broke your rest 
 But I'm so flurried so distrest 
 You can't yourself feel more than / feel 
 But come let 's look nay, 'tis a trifle 
 This spoil thai heavenly face's charms 
 
 No, if ten such could I'll be shot ; 
 Your gooa Mamma feels false alarms, 
 
 'Tis but a little beuidi/spot.'" 
 
 He paus'd, but silence still she kept : 
 Nowj/OM and / know why and wherefore. 
 But he knew nought about it, therefore 
 
 He thought 'twas a rfoif-sleep she slept. 
 Merely to save a little blushing ; 
 So, on he jogg'd, his fortune pushing 
 
 '' But won't you let me see your face full r 
 That night-cap sets it off so graceful 
 You 're charming up, but tlius in bed seen. 
 You 're quite a Venus, TVliss, (k- 3Te(Vcinc '
 
 50 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 But, Lord why don't you answer. Miss ? 
 'Tis barbarous not to say one word. 
 Nay, I protest, 'tis quite absurd ; 
 
 Speak or by George I'll steal a kiss ! 
 
 Poor Miss, whose mouth was 7>iiles below. 
 Couldn't conveniently cry No ; 
 
 So, taking silence for consent. 
 He stole a kiss, and then a second 
 Nay, now his hand was in, he reckon'd 
 
 To help himself t' his heart's content, 
 
 (Since he the Fair so patient found) ; 
 
 Aye, and resolv'd his score to raie. 
 
 Not by Apothecaries' weight. 
 But sixteen plump ones to the pound. 
 
 I'm glad he's so amus'd, because, 
 
 Just to take breath, the while we '11 pause.
 
 CONTES DES FOUS, 51 
 
 PART II. 
 
 Revenge revenge, Timotheus cries. 
 
 We left our Shopman at his feast, 
 As happy as a King at least 
 For all man's bliss on earth below 
 Is '' to be well deceiv'd," you know. 
 
 How he found out his small mistake, 
 I should be loth my oath to take ; 
 But, for my own part, I suppose 
 That when his mouth he 'd got so close. 
 
 His ej/es could be no vast way oft'; 
 And yet, I own it fur a fact, 
 That, when she thus in bed was pack'd. 
 
 She M got a nasty tickling cough ; 
 
 There is, I know, still one more lection. 
 Imputing the poor dear's detection 
 
 Drude
 
 52 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 Not to a cough, but to a titter, 
 'Tvvas a queer business, and one can't tell 
 But had yovi seen her blush and mantle. 
 
 As I've seen, you 'd (I'm sure) acc^uit her, 
 
 But now you wish to learn, no doubt. 
 How he behav'cl, on finding out 
 
 That this same face was all a ba?n, 
 (You 'II mind the vovv^el 's a not u), 
 
 He did not rave, and storm, and d n. 
 For this [.'lain reason, that he knew 
 
 Folks would not pi tj/ him, but (jidz. 
 
 And so he l^ept a jocund phiz ; 
 Yet with hot rage his lieart was hissing, 
 
 And so far he was in the right. 
 
 That Iho' 'twas a delicious sight. 
 It was not quite the part for kissing : 
 
 Nay, tho' he vengeance firmly vow'd. 
 Yet, being a sharpish sort of elf, 
 He kept his dudgeon to himself, 
 
 Flis curses all were deep not loud ; 
 So that not once Mis> Pruc suspected, 
 [ler metamor?)h(>. is Lictccted ;
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. bS 
 
 In short, altlio' completely beat. 
 He made a pretty fair retreat : 
 
 * * * 
 
 Now see him somevj/iat in a fume 
 Just tapping at the drawing-room, 
 
 Where a small party of a dozen. 
 Met to drink tea, play cards, and sup is ; 
 
 Each lady fair an aunt or cousin. 
 The males a set of smart young- puppies ; 
 
 Madam (and else 't had been a sin 
 Since he 'd behav'd so kind and civil) 
 
 Polilelj- ;:>r<;ssV him to walk in, 
 Altho' she wish'd him at the devil. 
 
 Me smil'd and smil'd though in his heart, he 
 (jladly 'd have poison'd the whole party ; 
 
 And said, one cup of tea he 'd sip ; 
 no])ing occasion mighl occur, 
 
 ]Miss Prue a treacherous min^ t'"! t.i[ 
 A Koulaiii! for her Oliver.
 
 54 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 But, here she comes aye, up and drest ; 
 
 For, certainly yon can't suppose 
 A btlle so brisk in bed can rest. 
 
 When there 's a house lialf full of benux ; 
 She only stopp'd, being so much hurried, 
 (And eke perchance a little flurried) 
 
 Half o'er her face a veil to throw. 
 
 And then another veil below. 
 
 No more of meeting kirn thouglit she, 
 Than if he 'd been in the Red Sea ; 
 And how, indeed, should she have thought, 
 Mamma 'd have such a creature brought 
 
 Into a party gay like that ? 
 A mercy 'twas she wore a veil ! 
 Or else, oh I lud ! how could he fail. 
 
 Seeing her face, to smell a rat ? 
 
 Now dire portent ! in vain each beau 
 To fix the Fair's attention tries ; 
 
 She only thinks, how dust to throw 
 Into the Shopman's odivus eyes.
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 55 
 
 Sweet Maid ! the hum thou 'It ill support ; 
 Unhacknied in the ways of art, 
 Alas ! thou over-act'st thy part 
 
 Ne'er mind ; I love thee better for 't. 
 
 Poor sulFerer ! she does so complain, 
 " Those blains are such amazing pain !" 
 (Not but she M rather have been private 
 About a blain upon her face. 
 But, as for one on t' other place. 
 Oh Lord ! she never should survive it 1 
 And so 'bout this she made a pother. 
 To draw him farther off from f other. 
 So is the Miser sometimes found 
 Sixpence to spend, to save a pound ; 
 So did ^neas leave his wife 
 In burning Troy, to save his life ; 
 So doth the Beaver huntsmen foil. 
 By biting off his castor-oil,) 
 
 But come, let '* cut this story short 
 I sha'n't her various turns report ;
 
 56 CONTES DES FOLS, 
 
 For really, Ma'am, I'm not a Turk, 
 To tell uiimov'd the Maid's distress; 
 Besides, Ma'am, I must needs confess. 
 
 That making verses is hard work 
 
 I'll lay my life, you 're tir'd too, 
 
 So thus concluded poor Miss Prue 
 
 " To talk of looksmc could not mean,'* 
 For few, she knew, could have less right ; 
 *' But no one lik'd to be a fright. 
 
 And did he think it would he seen ?" 
 
 " Seen, Miss, I really can't pretend 
 Much on the treatment will depend 
 I think I could point out a way " 
 " La ! point it out, dear Doctor, pray !" 
 
 " Well, Miss," cried he, raising his note 
 " 'Twould not be seen, 1 guess, so plain, 
 If o'er the aflected part you 'd deign 
 
 T' apply A THICKKU I'KTl irOAT !"
 
 ANTI = TIiiLER: 
 
 ONE THOUSAND AND ONE BAD THINGS 
 
 CONSISTING OF 
 
 LOVE-SONGS, EPIGRAMS, ^c. 
 
 PART I. 
 
 '7V* foll^ to be ivi-se. 
 
 Grav,
 
 L O V E SON G S, &c. 
 
 I 
 
 lOAn, sad, within my cot I lie = 
 Come in, come in, my Fair ; 
 Come in, a sight shall greet thine eye. 
 Than precious gems more rare." 
 
 " What mighty treasure hast thou got 
 What wealth within thy dopr ? 
 
 For mean without appears thy cot, 
 And Fame reports thee poor." 
 
 " No treasure thou It discover. 
 No wealth, my Fair, thou 'It see ; 
 
 But thou 'It see a true true Lover, 
 And thou'lt see him die for thee."
 
 60 LOYE SONGS, &C 
 
 2. 
 
 >N liF.ING Itl'PROACHED BY A l.ADV FOU Nr.VF.ll HAVING 
 
 wiirnr.N vi.rses on iikk. 
 
 ( > Lavi;a ! * I c'o/(/ sing thy graces, 
 Thy btautics proudly could declare ; 
 
 Could teach the world how fair tliy face is. 
 Beyond what i'oc(-<! fancy lair. 
 
 '^ I think it my duty (to prevent any gentle Demoiselle 
 \\ ho may be eutilk-d to this appellation from subjecting her- 
 self to disa[)po:ntment, by feeling loo confulent that she had 
 the iionoiirof occasioning our Author's wakefulness) to give 
 notice, tiiat I have, for diver'^ weighty reasorj';, taken upon 
 :uy>clf to alter cvcri/ name, wiiieh -itood in the original MS. 
 i'c.r oth( rs of my own selecti(j), (1 hope the Ladies will be of 
 opini'ii that I have chosen pretty oiivs) ; and yet, 1 would not 
 iiavc any gentle Demo^seile \\ l;o may be entitled to this 
 ai>pellation, thtrejorc give up, in despair, all pretensions to so 
 niagniricent a coiiqui'sl ; lor, although it certainly thus ap-
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 61 
 
 Love's sacred flame my bosom warming. 
 
 Unwonted genius would impart; 
 Thus should I paint thee Gods, how charming 
 
 Almost as charming as thou art ! 
 
 Yet why thus lovely should I shew thee r 
 Thy charms, ah ! why exulting tell? 
 
 Bewitching Maiden ! all that kiiow thee. 
 Thy charms already know too well. 
 
 'Tis true, each line some wond'ring stranger 
 To view a Maid so fair, might move ; 
 
 But thus each line would bring new danger. 
 For all who view'd, would Rivals prove. 
 
 The 
 
 pears, that she cannot possibly be the heroine that is cele- 
 brated by her own name, yet it is equally certain, that she 
 vmy be any one of the oilier heroines ; or, if like Kehania, 
 slie 1ms been the death of a hundred horses, (which, in case 
 she should be a fashionable lady, it is a hundred to one that 
 she has been) she may perhaps possess some of his ubiqui- 
 tous endowments, and be all the other heroines at once. 
 
 f
 
 62 LOVE SONGS J &C. 
 
 The Miser, one rich gem possessing. 
 From all conceals the glittering store ; 
 
 Then let me oh ! my soul's best blessing 
 hi trembling silence still adore ! 
 
 f)N A VRESENT OF A STKING OK KEADS lU-CKlVED TKOM 
 A LADY. 
 
 Alone and pensive in his cell, 
 
 His rosary doth the Hermit tell ; 
 
 And, pondering o'er each passing bead, 
 
 Recalls to mind each past misdeed : 
 
 Oh then his tears incessant flow. 
 
 He strikes his breast, o'erwhelm'd with woe. 
 
 And counts his Ijeads 1 
 
 And when, dear Maid, my beads / view. 
 My faults, alas ! I think on too ;
 
 LOVE SONGSj &C. OS 
 
 And own, that Heav'n could scarce decree 
 Thy charms for such a one, as me : 
 Thus at each bead more sad I grow, 
 I strike my bosom many a blow. 
 
 And count my beads ! 
 
 When next the Hermit tells his beads. 
 At each a brighter thoug"ht succeeds ; 
 For now at each he calls to mind 
 Some gentle Saint, to suppliants kind : 
 Oh then his tears forget to flow. 
 He feels his breast with transport glow. 
 
 And counts his beads ! 
 
 But not to 7rie can Fancy paint 
 At each new bead some different Saint; 
 I tell my beads and when I've done, 
 I find, I've thought on only one : 
 Sweet Saint ! some signs of pity show. 
 For hopeless still, o'erwhelm'd with woe, 
 
 / count my beads !
 
 64 LOVE SONGSj &C. 
 
 Of. ' how the anguish of my heart, 
 Canst thou, inhuman as thou art. 
 
 Forbid me to reveal r 
 Sure 'tis not pity for my woe 
 That makes thee sLruggle not to know 
 
 The wounds thou wilt not heal. 
 
 Thou .-{ri\':it ill vain, obdurate Fair; 
 
 For, though my tc^igue no more should dar^ 
 
 My soul's distress to name, 
 My listless air would still be seen, 
 IMy grief-\vi)rn faee, my pensive mien 
 
 Would still my pangs proclaim : 
 
 And say, that, loth a face to see 
 
 So mark'd with care, by love of thee, 
 
 Away thou 'it turn thine eyes; 
 Yet whilst, forbad to speak my pain, 
 From pray'r or nmrmur I'd refrain, 
 
 Thou still must hear my sighs.
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 6.) 
 
 Nay, though no more to hear me sigh, 
 A wretch forlorn, thou 'dst bid me fly. 
 
 In distant lands to dwell ; 
 Thy barbarous will might be obey'd 
 But soon my death, too-much-lov'd Maid, 
 
 The fatal truth would tell. 
 
 THE LOVF.K S DREAM. 
 
 Thuough many a night with wakeful sighs, 
 I watch'd the taper's sickly gleam ; 
 
 Till Sleep in pity clos'd my eyes. 
 
 And brought me such a such a dream ! 
 
 The reader may perliaps here feel Inclined to rub his eyos 
 a little and cry out, Ecce itei^m Crispinus ! I would not. 
 however, have him make himself too sure of any such 
 good luck for, although 1 am not quite certain but 
 our Bard may have taken into his head for once to try whe- 
 ther it would be so vcn/ diflicult to obtain a little smatcli
 
 66 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 Methought, whilst my poor heart was venting 
 Its griefs, so often breath'd in vain, 
 
 I mark'd thy scornful soul relenting ; 
 And saw thee weep to see my pain ; 
 
 And when, this pity to improve. 
 
 My trembling hopes I dar'd to name ; 
 
 I heard thee chide my frantic love 
 Yet whisper, " Ah ! I feel the same !" 
 
 Then oh ! how fondly I caress'd thee ; 
 
 How wildly gaz'd upon thy charms 
 How madly to my bosom press'd thee 
 
 How died aye, died within thine arms ! 
 
 of the grata protervitas of the fashionable school, yet he 
 seems to have tiioroughly salisiied himself of his incom- 
 petence, and made no further ctforts : I cannot pretend to 
 say wiiethir he inwardly repined much at tlie discovery, 
 nor, in case i.e did not, to vouch that his resignation might 
 not be in some degree a-kin to that of tliu Fox in iEsop''^ 
 well-known apologue.
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 67 
 
 Thus, thus I triumph' dhciughty fair. 
 
 In spite of all thy barbarous pride ; 
 Thus did thy vei-y scorn prepare 
 
 The very raptures it denied 
 
 Henceforth my soul shall comfort borrow 
 
 From this dear fleeting fancied bliss. 
 Shall patient bear its days of sorrow 
 
 In hopes of one more night like this. 
 
 Nay, why dost thou look so provokingly shy ? 
 
 Ah ! what, timid Girl, to suspicion can move thee r 
 Dost thou think that I'd harm thee ? No, dearest, not I, 
 
 For have I not sworn truly sworn, that I love thee ? 
 
 TJi^/2 Think'st thou Fd bid thee a blessing bestow 
 
 Which would sully, poor Maiden ! for ever thy name ? 
 Or rather could that he a blessing (ah ! no) 
 
 Which would doom thee for ever to sorrow and shame r
 
 68 LOVE SONGS;, &C. 
 
 No, thus oil my knees to confess it I'll dare, 
 (For a truth so uncourteous forgiveness I crave) 
 
 That tho' thou first conquer'd by looking so fair, 
 
 'Twas thy goodness alone that could bind me thy slave. 
 
 And if e'er with base arts I that goodness pursue 
 With that dearest of charms ever woo thee to part ; 
 
 Drop one tear of reproach, and if t/iai will not do. 
 Then throw me for ever,wrong'd Maid ! from thy heart. 
 
 TO SI.IEP. 
 
 O GENTLE God of Soft RcpOSC ! 
 
 My wearied eyes vouchsafe to close ; 
 For sure 'tis sad, whilst others sleep, 
 That I alone must watch and weep. 
 And think of f<jrmer hours so blest 
 When joy alone disturb'd my rest : 
 Then, gentle Sleep ! thine aid befilow, 
 l"or thou or Death must calm my woe.
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 69 
 
 Yfct, g-entle Sleep ! be sure to brings 
 
 Soft dreams upon thy downy wing ; 
 
 Be '^ure, in visions of delight 
 
 To keep Louisa in my sight 
 
 For, if by thee her form could fly 
 
 One moment from my fancy's eye 
 
 For, if by thee mj'^ mind could lose 
 
 Her luv'd remembrance, I'd refuse 
 
 Thy fatal aid; for then, there 'd be 
 
 No choice, O Sleep ! 'twixt Death and thee. 
 
 6. 
 
 (FUOM the ITALIAN.) 
 
 Amiamo, O bella lola. 
 
 To Ive, to Love incline thine heart, 
 For time, alas ! my Julia, flies 
 
 More swiftly than the fealher'd dart 
 By which the agile panther dies :
 
 70 LOVE SONGSj &C. 
 
 Thy blooming youth is but an hour. 
 Too quickly gone returning never ! 
 
 Thy matchless beauty but a flower. 
 
 Which passing minutes soon must sever t 
 
 The Sun may quit th' ethereal plain. 
 And low in Ocean quench his light ; 
 
 Yet, on the morrow shall he reign 
 In all his wonted glories bright ! 
 
 The woods, to Winter's stern demand. 
 Must (piickly yield their vt rdant hue ; 
 
 Yet, gentle S[)ring is still at hand. 
 Their pristine beauties to renew : 
 
 But Man no second noon-tide knows. 
 No second summer Man shall cheer ; 
 
 Age his meridian hours must close. 
 And Death for ever end his year ! 
 
 And thf re where low shall lie his head. 
 In the cold confines of the tomb, 
 
 In the dread mansions of the dead 
 The voice of Love can never come 1
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 71 
 
 Then let u*, Julia, whilst we may. 
 
 Incline our hearts to Love and Joy ; 
 And gather, whilst they 're fresh and gay^ 
 
 The roses of the Amorous Boy ! 
 
 Avaunt each aged envious sire. 
 
 Who M frown upon our harmless bhss ! 
 
 Not all your wisdom all your ire 
 Shall rob us of a single kiss. 
 
 Then, ah ! to Love incline thine heart. 
 
 For time, alas ! my Julia, flies 
 More swiftly than the feather'd dart 
 
 By which the agile panther dies !
 
 72 LOVE SONGSj &C. 
 
 WRITTEN UNDER A LADY S PICTURE. 
 
 When age my throbbing heart shall tame. 
 And e'en my Fair-one's form shall change. 
 
 Youths of my constant hopeless flame 
 Shall hear, and haply think it strange : 
 
 But, when, bright Portrait, thou hast prov'd, 
 What beauties now my heart assail. 
 
 They '11 wonder not that I have lov'd, 
 But that I 've liv'd to tell the tale.
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 73 
 
 8. 
 
 THE PARADOX ON BEING ACCUSED OF HAVING GKOWN 
 
 CROSS. 
 
 Oh ! was not then tny soul content. 
 When first with thee my hours I spent ? 
 iVIy tender friendship seem'd to please. 
 And still my heart remain'd at ease. 
 
 When with thee happy calm without thee, 
 No doubts or fears my breast annoy'd : 
 But ah ! the peace I then enjoy'd 
 Was (as alas ! I now can tell) 
 Because, altho' I llk'd thee well. 
 
 By heav'ns I scarcely car'd about thci*. 
 
 But all my spirits now are flown. 
 And, anxious, jealous, fretful grown, 
 Thy presence oft I rudely fly ; 
 Oft silent, sullen, sit and sigh ;
 
 74 LOVE SONG 8 J &C. 
 
 Nay, oft in accents stern reprove thee 
 Oh ! wherefore is my bliss expir'd ? 
 Art thou grown odious I grown tir'd ? 
 Where friendship warm'd doth hatred glow 
 No, no ! Louisa ! 'tis not so 
 
 But 'tis because at lensth I love thee ! 
 
 9. 
 
 And so you're a fatalist, Mary, 'tis plain ; 
 
 For, last night you exclaim'd with a sigh 
 We mortals irrast do what the Fates ordain. 
 
 And are born, and are married, and die, 
 
 Wiicther we will or no. 
 
 And would you, dear Mary, my sentiments know ? 
 
 I'm a .-ort of a fatHli>( too 
 And have I not very good cause to be o } 
 
 ijince 'twas fixM that I mu^t lovo yon. 
 
 Whether I will or no.
 
 LOVE SONGSj &C. 75 
 
 And, if now my pray'rs your young heart won't move, 
 
 'Tis decreed, that I soon must die ; 
 And, when you shall hear, that 'twas all for love, 
 
 By my soul, hut you'll sit down and cry. 
 
 Whether you will or no. 
 
 10. 
 
 Yes yes I own it was a tear, 
 
 A tear too shed for thee ; 
 But chide me not, thou tyrant dear. 
 
 No more such tears thou 'It see : 
 
 For, tho' it I'int some little ease 
 'Midst griefs I dar'd not speak ; 
 
 Yet, ere another shall displease. 
 This full fond heart shall hreak. 
 
 Thou once, false Fair, thou once wast kinJ- 
 
 Oh ! who so kind could be r 
 But all thy kindness now I find 
 
 Was worst of cruelty ;
 
 76 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 For, hadst thou then disdain'd me sure 
 
 Too proud I'd been to love ; 
 And, thus the griefs I now endure, 
 
 Had ne'er been doom'd to prove. 
 
 Thus, who from earliest youth hatli dwell 
 
 Amidst eternal snows, 
 The heav'ns can brave no sufTering felt 
 
 Tho' fierce the north wind blo s : 
 
 Not so, who all his hours hath })asl 
 Beneath soft summer skies ; 
 
 Expose him to the wint'ry blast, 
 lie shivers, droops, and dies.
 
 LOVE SONGSj &C. 77 
 
 11 
 
 On being facetiously complimented by a Lady on having 
 TALKED her to sleep, during an Illness, when Lauda- 
 num had failed. 
 
 Since, dearest Lady, heav'n hath hung 
 Such charms narcotic on my tongue, 
 That when I t, and ' softly prose," 
 Thy wearied eye-lids quickly close ; 
 
 Ob ! why, ungrateful 1 " all the while/' 
 Dost thou my simple heart beguile ; 
 And teach, whilst thee to sleep I make. 
 Myself to pass whole nights awake ?
 
 78 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 12. 
 
 (from the ITALIAN.) 
 
 Oh iiiio core ! che faremo ? 
 Odieremo Ameremo ? 
 
 Say, dearest, which shall be our ^tate- 
 Shall we l<>v?, or must wc hate ? 
 Since wc 're (leslin'd both to tread 
 The paths of Love, where'er they hat 
 Let MS >hall we not, my dear? 
 Let US follow without iVar. 
 
 (^harmiiiLj- fair thou art- -oh I ves 
 Fair :in<\ chariiiiuL,^ I e(iiife>s ; 
 But then Irowaril, ial.>e, uncivil. 
 Thou art too, a the v<ry devil : 
 So let U-. d( arest, let ns hale, 
 Vov this Love wills to be our state.
 
 LOVE SONGS;, &C. 79 
 
 But, though thou 'rt froward, false, uncivil, 
 
 Dearest as the very devil 
 
 Yet, charming fair being, I confess 
 
 I love thee not a whit the less : 
 
 So let us, dearest, let us love. 
 
 For this the state Love bids us prove. 
 
 Fan-est nymph thou art, I own, 
 Of all the nymphs I e'er have known ; 
 Comeliest thine of earthly faces. 
 Thine ten thousand thousand graces : 
 So let r ^let us love nay, nay, 
 Thus L ve wills we must obey. 
 
 13. 
 
 Sfeak not of comfort thou wast born, 
 
 Wast form'd by Heaven my hdwc \o prove- 
 Nay, I com[)lain'd not of tliy scorn, 
 '' I ask'd i\u sweet return of love."
 
 80 LOVE SONGS^ &C. 
 
 Yet, scorn me not for dotli thinr eye 
 In proud disdain, or anger roll ; 
 
 Fond tool I I tremble, pant, and sigh, 
 And grief sits heavy on my soul. 
 
 But hast thou gentle as thou art 
 (^)n me and all around thee smil'd, 
 
 Then ten-fold Love hath torn my heart. 
 And jealous doubts, and u ishes wild. 
 
 Nay, shouldst thou, by my sulleriugs won, 
 Thy pitying heart at length bestow ; 
 
 I'hou couldst not save u wii tch undone. 
 No hours of eomfort doom'd to know : 
 
 k'or, tho' but one dear raiiturou? kiss 
 
 To snatcli, my irembiiMg iip^ .-liould ilari- 
 
 I'oo fierce, my Love, Wduld !;< ti.x^ 1,'ii.ss 
 'i'oo lieici- lor tins jkk.!' heait to bcai'.
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C, 81 
 
 14. 
 
 THE CREDITOR OUTWITTED. 
 
 So 'twould please you, dear Mary, instead of your cash 
 Which is all gone and spent, to take Jive pounds of jiesh, 
 Selecting, like Shylock, that soft tender part. 
 Those five precious pounds that lie next to my heart : 
 
 Be it so but, before you begin, I make known. 
 That instead of viy flesh, you must cut off your own ; 
 For my heart long hath left me, and chosen its nest 
 Next your own gentle heart, in your own snowy breast .
 
 82 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 15. 
 
 (From the Italian of Guarini.) 
 
 Though changM to Pens were all the Trees 
 To Paper, Heaven to Ink, the vSeas ; 
 Still, still they M not suffice, I swear, 
 Thy countless beauties to declare. 
 
 Of thnugh as many Tongues had I, 
 As Sands the Shore as Stars the Sky ; 
 Still still too vast a ta>k 'twould be. 
 To praise each charm 1 find in thee 
 
 16. 
 
 (Jii I had she only uk wn.oi .-, becii, 
 I'd said the W(jrld hath olliers scrn. 
 
 Whose beauties mit;ht with hers com[)arr ; 
 limnortal Veiiu>, and the (Jra-'^s, 
 And earth-horn Ileien, all had iace'. 
 
 1 can't d<;ii\ "; (ilniost a> i'air.
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 83 
 
 Or had it only been her wit, 
 To match her, Sappho might be fit. 
 Or spicy Sheba's curious Queen ; 
 As CHASTE, Lucretia uiight be found. 
 And Jewish Esther as renowned 
 
 For TASTEFUL DRESS, and DAINTY MIEN. 
 
 As BLITHE could youug Herodias dance. 
 As deep the Syrens could entrance 
 
 The ravish'd senses, when they sung ; 
 Queen Bess, I ween, was full as wise. 
 And Job's mild wife might share the prize 
 
 For ENDLESS ELOQUENCE OF TONGUE ! 
 
 But, when I think of all these charms, 
 (And some have set the world in arms), 
 
 Each former Fair could claim but one, 
 But, that my Love unites them all ; 
 Who shall my sorrow senseless call ? 
 
 How can I choose, but be undone ?
 
 84 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 17. 
 
 (Frum l!ie Freiicli.j 
 
 PnuLrs, whilst her heart unteiider 
 
 Gain preferr'd to amorous bli^s, 
 Made poor Corydon surrender 
 
 Thirty Shecj) to buy one Kiss : 
 
 When next siie bargains with her Lover, 
 Ki<>es are bet (;nie more cheaj) ; 
 
 PhiUis gladly now niikes r,\ty 
 Thirtv Kisses for one Slieeu I 
 
 Next, when J.ovc no longer burns hnn, 
 Philli.-, (tiods ! how straun'c the win in I) 
 
 All hi.> 'i'iurty Shet p return* Inin, 
 A!) to buy one K:: > of hini I 
 
 Vain at leii^tb ar^- all l:t i' ofiir-, 
 
 Sheep, D-^', Cri'ok, (-'> rliau'^'d her faic \<) 
 I'fir that kind Ki-, she vaiii'y proffers, 
 
 U'liieli be ''ivt to (,'hlnc 'rratis.
 
 LOVE SONGS^ &C, 85 
 
 18. 
 
 ro A (oiamoxd) butterfly affixed to a lady's 
 
 BOSOM. 
 
 CouLDST thou, bright Butterfly ! complain 
 Whilst ail thy comrades ^joyoiiy train 
 Still range at will from flower to flower, 
 That thou to wander hast no power, 
 I'd bid thee. Fool ! contented stay, 
 Since thou art far more blest than they : 
 For, ah ! what flower so fresh, so sweet 
 As blooming' Emma couldst thou meet ? 
 Oh, mark her cheek and doth the rose 
 Such glowing, blushing tints disclose - 
 Then mark her modest bosom's white. 
 And say, what snow-drop 's half so bright : 
 Or say, what thyme-besprinkled heath 
 Thou 'dst find so fra<jrant as her breath t
 
 86 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 But, though I've waru'd thee, sj)arkUiig' friend. 
 That thou thy lot canst never mend ; 
 Yet, if thy station still should grieve thee, 
 (iain her consent, and 27/ rcUcie thte. 
 
 (Si.'llcrl) 
 
 A SLY OLD Moth fkom Heath. 
 
 19. 
 
 To A BALLAD-SlNGtK. 
 
 When thou, O Minstrel ! sing'st thy song of woe. 
 And tell'st of War's alarms, of hopeless Love 
 Or of \hv. perils Seamen prove. 
 
 Still through fair Susan's eyes the tears do How ; 
 
 {^oceed, great mastir of the tuneful art, 
 
 i'ioeeeii, kind Bard, and ^-lil! dr;i\\ fresh suppHes 
 Of water, tliroiigli fair Sudan's eyes, 
 
 >" (Miuld.Nl thon (|U( iich iht ir tiies that fui-n my heart!
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 87 
 
 20. 
 
 DU CLOS' IPtcnAM ON MADAME LA VAI.LIEUE 
 
 In antient days arose a fane, 
 
 Where every Lover knelt t' impart 
 
 To Venus kind, in suppliant strain. 
 The dearest secret of his heart : 
 
 Could this same Temple now be found, 
 And thousands thither should repair. 
 
 Still still to Heaven would rise no sound 
 But" Oh, I die for La Valliere !"
 
 S8 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 21 
 
 (1 111 Tliciml.t partiv tr.uu the llaliaii.i 
 
 On ! hadst thou felt the doubts, the fear?. 
 
 The ti!oij5.and pani,fs, that Lovers know, 
 lia-lst hc-Tv'd the ^ighs, hadst dropp'd the tears. 
 
 Hoi tears tVoiii Lovers' eyes that flow ; 
 (} err.el Love alas! thou 'dst say. 
 
 By aii^i'v Ileiv'ii to s<'our^'e us sent ; 
 Lost is eaeh hour, accurst each day, 
 
 With thee, O cruel Love, that 's spent. 
 
 But, hadst thou Celt t!i' ecstatic bliss, 
 
 The suiet icwards of mutual Love 
 The foiui embrace, ihe tender kis>. 
 
 Warm joys, ibat only Lotci.^ prove; 
 O j^enl'et, sweetes! j/nc, limn 'dit say, 
 
 From lieav'n in.ir <;ii!v sohu -cut ; 
 Lost is eacii ih'U", . -i ui'-i. (;'.. !i driv. 
 
 With tiu'-, v,i el Love [ I'.iLil i- ii.l spent.
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 89 
 
 22. 
 
 And have I not, obdurate I knelt 
 Knelt and protested o'er and o'er. 
 
 Such amorous anguish that I felt, 
 A? never wretch endur'd before ? 
 
 And sung- I not, that, when thine eyes 
 Shine forth, the Sun 's no lonfjer bright; 
 
 That ^-ith thy cheek no ro.-^e-bud vies, 
 Th with thy breast no lily 's white ? 
 
 And did I not, obdurate ! sigh, 
 And look so sorrowful, and groan. 
 
 As tho' I rcalli/ meant to die r 
 
 And yet thine heart niu>t be of sione. 
 
 And yet nnt one kind tear tliou hasl shed. 
 
 Not one soft sign of pity shewn, 
 Not one sweet word of comfort saiii, 
 
 Yes ve-< thine heart must l)c of stcnf !
 
 90 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 It must it must for know, proud Maid, 
 For scores of Cliarmers, o'er and o'er 
 
 These very same fond tricks I've play'd, 
 Yet never found them fail before. 
 
 23. 
 
 .NT lO A YOLNG LADY WITH SOME FLOWEUS, ON tlF.K 
 BIKTH-DAY. * 
 
 Thesf, riow'rs presents an huni1)le Bard, 
 Small token of a i^reat regard; 
 But thee, his favourite, wliicl; to call, 
 Sweet INIaid ! he's doubtful- ureat or small : 
 Siuail, 'tit mo^t liHie, thy liimiilcd face, 
 But tlien, not .^nuill it> siuilinL; L^race ; 
 
 *" MIk- itlra parllx horKjwctl, in phutul iinilalioii, Iron 
 asso's /'icciolrtta Lsabclla, &:c.
 
 LOVE SONGSj &C. 91 
 
 Small thy neck, feet, hands and arms. 
 But ah ! not small their several charms ; 
 Small tho' thy person all we find. 
 We find not small thy guileless mind ; 
 Small, sweet Maiden ! tho' thou art. 
 Great wounds, alas ! thou giv'st the heart : 
 Small be thy cares thro' life's perplexing maze 
 Great, great the number of thy natal days ! 
 
 ^4. 
 
 No more throbs my bosoin with pain, 
 Rut alas ! it is cheerless and cold ; 
 
 How dull flows my blood thro' each vein 
 Where in tumults so lately it roU'd ! 
 
 Long, long at thy scorn did I sigh. 
 But, at length, I'm indifferent grown 
 
 E'en thus did fond Niobe cry. 
 Till at last she was turnM mto stone.
 
 92 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 Oh .-.mile I and my icelhigs restore, 
 Tho' transient thy pity should prove- 
 
 For this apathy troubles me more. 
 Than all the fierce anguish of love. 
 
 25. 
 
 <')ii ! 'luas a day of anguish deep, 
 l"h:',t day in anger when Ave parted, 
 
 i sat nic down (fond fool !) to weep, 
 I)< jcetcd, trembling, broken-liearted 1 
 
 In Willi llie sun with splendour bri^-ht 
 
 Shone foith, and made the world look glad 
 
 }(r hat avails external light, 
 
 Wlifn ai! within is dark and sad ? 
 
 h: vain their (vei -social meal, 
 
 ConipaniMis kindest hade ;i> .>h;;ie ; 
 
 I spurn'd (ingratc 1) tluar ill-tnn'd zeal. 
 And sniight fi)r comiadL-, mute l)es[)air:
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 93 
 
 In vain sweet music call'd, in vain 
 
 The Sj'ren * rais'd her choicest song; 
 
 Ah ! who uoukl Join tlie festive train;, 
 To be the saddest of the throng' ? 
 
 Next morn and oh I what passing hour 
 That morn sha i from my mea:i'ry sever 
 
 I i.';,;id, by Love's bewitching pov.er, 
 I found thee kinder grown than ever 1 
 
 Oh never, never since my birth, 
 
 I felt so glad, so joyous-hearted ' 
 So would I not, for India's worth. 
 
 But we had once in anger parted. 
 
 * If our Bard means (as I suppose he does) that he had a 
 ticket to hear Madame Catalani, and did not use it, this 
 could not have been one of the instances wherein his sorrows 
 were imaginary ; for lie must indeed have been in a sorry 
 taking when he could have become deaf to the song oi 
 sucli a Syren.
 
 94 LOVE SONGS, &C, 
 
 26. 
 
 No, 'tis not the nightingale's throat. 
 That warhlcs so sweet thro' tlie grove ; 
 
 " Tlicn uhence is that soiil-thrilhng note ?" 
 ' Oil, It melts (Vom the lij)s oC n\\ love." 
 
 " JS'or is it the newiy-niown hay. 
 
 That sheds soft perfume thro' the air ;" 
 
 " Then what is it r Say, pry thee sav .'" 
 " 'Tis the fresh fragrant V)reath of im I'aii-, 
 
 " Nav, 'tis not tlie pi'oud toreh'.s light, 
 That shines thro' yon windnw so clear;" 
 
 " Then whence i> tliat s])len(loiir so l)right,"" 
 " Oh, it beams irom the eyes of my dear." 
 
 " And why f-its thy d( ar thus on high ? 
 
 Say, whom is she watelnng to see '" 
 " Cease cease," 1 replied with a ^igh, 
 
 " For, alas ! she 's nul watching lor me."
 
 LOVE SONGS^ &C. 95 
 
 27. 
 
 fi:agment. 
 
 Cease cease, uui^Taterul Love ! to wound. 
 
 To tear this hospitable breast. 
 Where thou hast still admittance found. 
 
 Been welconi'd honour'd and carcst. 
 
 In other breasts a tyrant reign, 
 
 Let other hearts thy rigours feel ; 
 For into other breasts thou 'rt fain 
 
 Thy way to force, or slyly steal : 
 
 I'or some thy visits strive to fly. 
 
 And some, to cliuse thee back with scorn ; 
 And some will at thy coming sigh. 
 
 And ail devoutly wish thee gone : 
 
 But / with chui'lish looks ne'er griev'd thee, 
 Ne'er sought to drive thee far away. 
 
 But when thou knock'dst, with joy recciv'd thee 
 And prest thee still awhile to stay.
 
 96 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 Then ah ! if gralcful thou 'It not prove, 
 or prudence sake my bosom spare; 
 
 For, till this heart shall cease to m( ve. 
 Thou still may'st find a welcome there. 
 
 28. 
 
 Nav, spare, ialsc Maiden spare to fVoun ; 
 
 Mi!! ^tii! 1 love thee beyond measure ; 
 Yet <j,uilt, the worst of t>ui!t I own 
 
 Ahis ! I've ceas'd to give thee pleasure. 
 
 P.ut spare to i'rown, thy smiles deny, 
 
 And thus my heart more gently i)reak ; 
 
 'nm> .ihall thine anger hid me die, 
 F.iit not n)y dt ath too cruel make.
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 97 
 
 29. 
 
 ON A LADY S DOG s COLLAR. 
 
 To this poor Dog, 'tis true that Heav'n 
 
 Instinct a purblind guide has giv'n ; 
 
 Bright Reason's hirht proud T.Ian to you 1 
 Yetj to the self-same poiiit ye move, 
 Instinct bids him his 3Iistress love. 
 
 Reason leads you to love her too. 
 
 SO. 
 
 ON SEEING A YOUNG LADY DEIGNING TO PL 1 NEW FIULLS 
 TO ^lY OLD SHIRTS. 
 
 Little Chloe declar'd I was raggedly drest, 
 And she vow'd that she'd soon make ine smart ; 
 
 ^0, whilst she was cunningly frilling my breast. 
 She made free, too, to ruffle my heart.
 
 98 LOVE SONGSj &C. 
 
 31. 
 
 ON HER LF.AVING lOR LONDON. 
 
 Thou leav'st me, dear Maiden, thou leav'stine to wander 
 Thro' oroves, now unlovclv, forlorn, and alone: 
 
 Thou 'it presently mtet many richer but I'onder, 
 O Mary, dear Maiden I thou 'It ncTer meet one 
 
 Yet go to the Town, and its splendours partaking-. 
 Try try if in fiiinult thy soul can find joy ; 
 
 Nor e'ei- klone thought on the heart that's left hreaking. 
 Thy pleasure (if })]easure's thy portion) alley : 
 
 Unless, when ^ome fcipling' shall ogle and languish. 
 And whimper soft nothings, so foolish anil fine ; 
 
 Then learn, whil>t thou mark'st lixw aflleted h/s anguish. 
 To i)ity a grief, true and tender as mine; 
 
 Or, when some gay friend, tho' all coTirteoua and smiling, 
 All srhi.-h and hollow at heart thou .--iia!! sei'. 
 
 Then turn thee, in thouuht, from a world >o Ixguiiing, 
 To a iriend, whose sole pleasur is pUa>nig of tliee :
 
 LOVE SONGS^ &C. 99 
 
 And when tbou at length shalt grow weary, discerning- 
 How empty the joys, which such circles can boast, 
 
 Oh, pay me for all my past pangs by returning 
 Returning as gentle and good as thou oo'st. 
 
 32. 
 
 SENT UP TO A YOUNG LADY ON A WET MOP.Nli^O. 
 
 Wake, my Love ! nay, prythee wake ! 
 Darkness from those eyelids shake ; 
 Dull and dusky breaks the day, 
 Phoebus grants us not a ray ; 
 Chilling damps begin to fall. 
 Cheerless, dark, and cold we 're all : 
 
 Forth then forth those suns of thine ; 
 For, if they '11 vouchsafe to shine. 
 In their genial fires there'll be 
 WAiiMTH, and LIGHT, and joy to mc
 
 100 LOVi: SONGS, &c. 
 
 83. 
 
 True thou "dst lie i.or rich nor great, 
 True thou 'dst choose an humble swain 
 
 Lowly still would be our state. 
 But of that we 'd ne'er complain. 
 
 What of rank would be the use, 
 What the use of golden store r 
 
 What one good would they produce r 
 Would tlKy make us love the mure ' 
 
 34. 
 
 O MY T,ove ! I f;imt I die 
 IS'ay, (or water never fly 
 
 Lei'.ve me, and thou kill'st me (]uite ; 
 All the Ocpan won't restore me 
 But, one htile tear dropl o'er me 
 f Make <jh uiake the trial) n.iui't
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 10 J 
 
 3b. 
 
 'Tis come but what can ^rief avail ? 
 
 The dawn that bids us part, appears ; 
 Yet, turn not, gentle Love, so pale. 
 
 Nor shed such burning- bitter tears. 
 
 For pity's sake nay, look not so 
 Nay, dry those eyes before we part ; 
 
 For think, with what a weight of woe 
 
 Those looks, those tears must sink my heart 
 
 And yet, oh yet that heart bad known 
 
 A woe still heavier, I confess, 
 Couldst thou one s/iade Itss pale have grown, 
 
 Hadst thou a single tear shed less.
 
 102 LOVi: SONGS, &c. 
 
 36. 
 
 TO rilr. NK^II I INGAti:,. 
 
 Bit uliy, sad xNightmgale ! nay, why 
 
 Sho'.iidst ihon the hvclong night complain ? 
 
 Wi^h wonder oi't (sweet i'ool !) I \\r, 
 And listen to thy niournf\!l strain : 
 
 Dost thou, because thou Avak'.>l, repine ? 
 
 J>ut wakes not still thy love w ith thee ? 
 7'//j/ Love i- near, blest bird I but mine 
 
 [s di>tant distant far from me. 
 
 Ves, closi' beside thee sits thy Love, 
 
 Tin n oil' i'or shame these moanings leave: 
 
 Were nunc a^ ilose and kind, l)y Jove 
 Till muni I'd wake, and scorn to grieve.
 
 LOVE SOIsGSj &C. lOiJ 
 
 37. 
 
 TO V:NI; I'EUFIDi.. 
 
 There was, false Fair but now 'tis past- 
 There was a time (too blest to last !) 
 
 When I was all in all to thee ; 
 When, if from Heaven the Gods had leant. 
 To seek on earth the most content. 
 
 They surely /nnst have fix'd on me : 
 
 But since the yoimg- Alexis came. 
 
 No more, false Fail- ! thou 'st been the same- 
 
 The same dear kind and constant maid ! 
 And /, whose soul was late so glad, 
 Now droop, a wretch forlorn and sad, 
 
 A wretch forsaken and betray'd. 
 
 And canst thou then, for such a youth. 
 Leave me in spite of all my truth. 
 
 With inward grief to pine :ind waste 
 Why then, false Fair! I'll tell thee wiiat 
 By all the powers above i tliou 'st uot 
 
 A iosl uiioincnalilc taste '
 
 ;04 
 
 LJVr, SONGS, &c. 
 
 38. 
 
 IMPHOMI'I i; 
 
 ')ii llif Author's Ijciii^' called on hy a Youiit;- Lady l( 
 (Icsciibe a t'emalc that vcoiild content him. 
 
 I "i.i, .-mcr oi' >uc,h a Maiden, 
 Of such a Maid I'll :^:n?^ 
 
 Whose wiil ^houId be oIilt'c! In 
 The^e reahnSj were I their Kini;'. 
 
 I ask no wanton beauty, 
 
 Tho'i'^h i'air my Love must be ; 
 The i\yini)h that seorn^ lier <luty, 
 
 1- not the Nymnh tor me. 
 
 I a>k tlie cliarui ( nchantinjj; 
 
 'J'hat decks the modr>l face ; 
 And where that charm is wantin*. 
 
 \\\ vain each other j^iace ;
 
 LOVE SONGS;, &C. 105 
 
 I ask the bosom tender. 
 
 The soul awake to love ; 
 But one that won't surrender, 
 
 Where Honour cdn't approve : 
 
 I ask the spirits cheerful. 
 That spread delight around ; 
 
 But still I ask thcni, fearful 
 The nicest ear to wound : 
 
 Tlie smiles of sweet good tem])er 
 Must still my soul delight. 
 
 But not th' insipid simper, 
 
 That knows not wrong from right 
 
 And who shall her discover, 
 
 In whom these charms coml^ine, 
 
 And fail to be her Lover, 
 
 As I, sweet Maid! am thine ?
 
 10() LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 39. 
 
 Nay, prvthee my dear, ne'er Iciok so sad 
 
 >vay, dry that ttarful eye ; 
 For Love \^as sent, to make folk^ glad. 
 
 And not to make ihem cry : 
 
 And tliovig-h of plagnies and cares <;reat itore. 
 
 Our Love just now attends. 
 One ki^s (like ,.his) f'oi- a> many more 
 
 Would make us both amends. 
 
 40. 
 
 0{>i. !u TI!!. MOON HHHISD A CLOl.I>. 
 
 N \\, hidr lint, ('v.\ iiiiA, tlui> thy face : 
 ll.? ieat\n"es can't < i>nipare m n^rucc 
 
 With malchIe-,> Celia's, to be sure ; 
 Noi' in tlu- co'oui no, nor vet 
 Can I pretend to say they're set 
 
 N\ ithin ^o shai)ely a contour;
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 101 
 
 Yet, for thy solace, Cynthia, know, 
 'Tis by thy face alone the woe. 
 
 That wrings my soul, can he beguii'd ; 
 For whose besides can glad my sight 
 By looking still like hers so bright. 
 
 And yet so modest and so 7nild f 
 
 And though for fickleness thy fame 
 Makes other Lovers loath thy name, 
 
 Yet change, sweet Cynthia, at thy will 
 For my dear Mistress, I avow. 
 Can change at least as oft as thou, 
 
 And yet, like thee, can charm use still- 
 
 41 
 
 NIGHT 'IHUCGU!. 
 
 fs 't jiot too bad, ye powers I that 1, 
 
 Whilst all the world are sweetly snoosuu 
 Avvakc in darkness dull must lie, 
 
 U])un my hopeless passion nmsnig ?
 
 108 LOVE SOXGSj &C. 
 
 In darkness dull must \vake so sad ? 
 By Heavens, it drives me to despair ; 
 
 Jt is ve pov.ers ! it is too bad, 
 
 'Tis mure 'ti> more than I can bear. 
 
 No more the inorninci's tardy liiilit 
 
 I'll wait, immers'd in grief and glooui ; 
 
 I'or here I swear to-morrow night 
 ril hitni a riish-l/ghi in miy room. 
 
 42. 
 
 On I thovi can^l ne'er have I'elt, I'm sure, 
 One half" the pangs that Love attend 
 
 Klse thon eonld'^t never for their cure 
 So ealinlv Patience recommend.
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 109 
 
 To meet grim Poverty, no doubt. 
 Patience the bosom may compose ; 
 
 Or 'gainst the Tooth-ach, or the Gout, 
 Or any lesser plagues Hke those : 
 
 Nay, wert thou doom'd to hang to-morrovr, 
 Still Patience might of service prove ; 
 
 But Patience ne'er could charm a sorrow. 
 Like that, which / endure from Love. 
 
 Thus, should a fire this house assail, dear. 
 Why engines might its fury tame ; 
 
 Yet, would they surely nought avail, dear, 
 To quell the vast volcano's flame. 
 
 43. 
 
 " O STAY, swift Eastern gale, and say 
 From what rich region didst thou stray ? 
 
 And why, thus truant, dost thou rove .^ 
 And say, if e'er 'twas thine to meet 
 In all thy course with aught so sweet. 
 
 So fair, so graceful as my Love ?''' 
 I
 
 110 LOVE SONGS^ &C. 
 
 " I've been where brightest diamonds glow; 
 I've been where purest pearls do grow ; 
 
 Where stateliest cedars grace the grove ; 
 Where costliest spices scent the air ; 
 But nought I've known so bright, so fair. 
 
 So sweet, so graceful as tby Love." 
 
 " Then on, blest breeze, I see thy haste, 
 Proceed, thy purpos'd joys to taste. 
 
 Though / with envy mark thy bliss ; 
 For oh ! whilst / so timid grieve. 
 Thou 'It never slop to ask her leave. 
 
 But dar'st at once her lip to kiss." 
 
 " Peace peace poor jealous longing swain, 
 From envying" me at least refrain ; 
 
 Still more than thee unblest, alas ! 
 For wherefore talk to me of bliss. 
 Who only snatch one hasty kiss, 
 
 And thus away for ever pass ?"
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. Ill 
 
 44. 
 
 O TYRANT Love ! within my breast 
 
 Who longf hast reign'd without controul, 
 
 'Tis time some few short hours of rest 
 Should soothe at length this troubled soul. 
 
 And surely Poets true have said. 
 
 Yes yes 'tis true thou must be blind. 
 
 Else couldst thou scarce so long have stay'd 
 In such a breast as mine confin'd : 
 
 Else thou to Lavra.'s breast had flown. 
 And humbly crav'd admittance there. 
 
 For never yet (thou 'dst then have known) 
 Thou 'st dwelt in mansion half so fair. 
 
 But tho' thine eyes can ne'er be blest. 
 Still there thou 'it find such comrades sweet. 
 
 Eternal inmates of that breast. 
 
 As ne'er 'twas thine before to meet :
 
 112 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 For there unnumber'd graces charm, 
 Unnumber'd virtues there reside, 
 
 There gentle Peace, Good-humour calm, 
 And holy Innocence abide : 
 
 But should this lust, alarm'd complain 
 Tliat thou with Guile hast oft been seen 
 
 Reason thine infant age disdain. 
 And Prudence chide thy truant mien ; 
 
 Should these conspire thee thence to chase, 
 If these thine exile should decree 
 
 Soft Pity call to take thy place. 
 
 And then return poor Love ! to me.
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 113 
 
 45. 
 
 ON SEEING A YOUNG LADY LOOKIKG VERY BLOOMING, ANU 
 
 SOME FLOWERS LOOKING VERY PALE ON A 
 
 FROSTY MORNING. 
 
 Poor Rose ! ah ! how thou hans^'st thine head. 
 
 Bereft of all thy tints so red ! 
 
 Sure never ghost was half so pale 
 
 Why, what the devil canst thou ail ? 
 
 Nay, how the devil can I fail 
 Than any ghost to look more pale ? 
 Since rascal Boreas (to my sorrow) 
 All all my bloom makes free to borrow. 
 
 Poor Rose ! right piteous is thy doom 
 But how can / lament thy bloom ? 
 That bloom since Boreas only seeks 
 To leave it all in Chloe's cheeks f
 
 114 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 46. 
 
 THE INCONSTANT. 
 
 Full fifty times I've mourn'd a Lover, 
 Yet sUll I've manag'd to recover ; 
 
 Deep deep, but transient tny despair; 
 For Love, so fieice, still drove his dart. 
 That still it passM clean through my heart. 
 
 Nor e'er once stuck and fester' d there ! 
 
 47, 
 
 rniNTED TNTO AN OLD ALMANACK 
 
 Amongst t'ht Prophecies for the year 17 , on the 
 fir.-t oi Novemb( r, in winch year, and on which day 
 a young Lady (the subject of these lines) was born. 
 
 Septembfr First will be a desj'eratc day. 
 
 For many a Partridge will fell Sj)ortsmcn slay ;
 
 LOVE SONtiS;, &C. 115 
 
 ' ' " 
 
 And likewise of October on the f.rst 
 
 Must crowds of stately Pheasants bite the dust : 
 
 But this November Jirst is still more fatal, 
 
 Sith of a Maiden fair it shall be natal ; 
 
 Soon shall her Eyes the Gunner's weapons beat. 
 
 And murd'rous ]^Jan himself lie murder'd at her feet. 
 
 48. 
 
 SONG. 
 
 Oh why of falsehood thus afraid ? 
 
 What tho' I've sworn the same ere now ; 
 And many " a fond believing Maid" 
 
 May tax me with a broken vow ? 
 
 By Heav'ns ! I meant devoutly meant 
 Each former oath to keep so true ; 
 
 Yet still would wayward Love present 
 Some fairer object to my view :
 
 J 16 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 Then, why shouldst th u tliuse wanderings mhid ? 
 
 Thou need'st nut doubt. Til C(,nstant be 
 Till (ftel'bt thou still a fear ?) I find 
 
 A fairer, stvceter Maid than thee. 
 
 49. 
 
 WRITTEN IN A VOLNC; LADY's ALBUM. 
 
 Alas ! poor piffmy book ! if all 
 
 One line would write who Myra love, 
 
 Too sniail a tlnntsdtid times too small 
 
 To hold a thousandth part thou 'dsl prove 
 
 Or, say her plan >he 'd ehan'^'^e, and charg-e 
 Ail thij.-e to write, who wi?<h her <vil ; 
 
 Wliy ihcn thou 'dst be as much loo I'tr'^c, 
 For none could write, save one the devil.
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. IIT 
 
 50. 
 
 FKAGMENT. 
 ****** 
 
 Oh ! but her hand ! her snowy hand ! 
 
 True, she has a face an angel's face ! 
 
 True, she has a form, so rich in grace. 
 And each might moharchs' hearts command. 
 But, oh her hand her dainty hand ! 
 
 Oh, what a charming hand has she ! 
 
 And with it she can work so neatly , 
 And write, and draw, and play so sweetly 
 
 Gods ! what a charming hand has she ! 
 
 Gods ! how I wish she 'd give it me !
 
 1 18 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 51. 
 
 With all my heart I Celia lov'd ; 
 
 With all my heart implor'd her ftivour; 
 ^Whate'cr her youthful fancy mot'd. 
 
 With all my heart I got and pave her : 
 
 W^ith all my heart I prais'd her charms ; 
 
 With all my heart forgave her pranks ; 
 And when at length she bless'd my arms. 
 
 With all my heart returned her thanks : 
 
 Still still I bow to her decree. 
 Yea should it cTen bid us part 
 
 Sweet soul ! she '11 find no change in me^ 
 For still 'twill be with all my heart.
 
 lOVE SONGS, &C. 119 
 
 52. 
 
 ODE TO MODESTY. 
 
 O Modesty ! sweet sylyih ! so shy 
 
 That thou 'dst as Hef be hung'd as seen ; 
 Yet yet I deem thy downcast eye, 
 
 Thy manthng cheek, thy shrinking mien 
 Might catch thee more of gentle hearts 
 Than all a syren's forward arts : 
 
 E'en as the bonnet tall'd a poke, 
 So coy which mortal Maidens make, 
 To hide them from each ogling rake. 
 
 Does but such oglers more provoke. 
 
 But even thou grow'st bold apace. 
 In days of yore, since Poets swear. 
 
 Still to the worst, least-honour'd place. 
 All red with blushes tijou 'dst repair j
 
 120 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 Nor e'en to sojourn wouldst repine. 
 In homeliest bosoms such as mine ; 
 
 But now, forsooth, the fairest, best 
 Thou claim'.-t and so for residence 
 Hast seiz'd (deuce take t!iy impudence .') 
 
 Ha*t seiz'd on Laira's heavenly breast. 
 
 b'3. 
 
 ON SEEING A YOUNG I.AUY BLLSU IMMEDIATELY 
 AFTER SIGHING. 
 
 Why to thy cheek those blushes flying r 
 
 What, nuTely ior a little sigliin;^ ? 
 
 Nay, for a >\\^h, sweet ! none can slur thee, 
 
 So that its subject be but worthy ; 
 
 Then si;j;h again. Love ! freely sigh. 
 
 In welctjuie let the rogues look sly. 
 
 Nor e'er aljash'd my (Iei.ia be. 
 
 But boldly say, thou sigh'>l for me >
 
 LOVE SONGSj &C. 121 
 
 54. 
 
 TO FANCV. 
 
 Alas ! I've knelt, and wept, and pray'd 
 At Reason's shrine, but all in vain ; 
 
 Then aid, soft fairy Fancy, aid, 
 
 If haply thou canst charm my pain : 
 
 Yet mark I bid thee not bestow 
 A richer glow to tint her cheek ; 
 
 For even thou m ith richer glow 
 
 That cheek to tint wouldst vainly seek : 
 
 No rather let its roseate hue 
 For one sad moment all be lost. 
 
 Take all her boson^'s whiteness too, 
 And smite her locks with Age's frost ; 
 
 Then league with envious Time, to ouell 
 The glories of her eyes so bright ; 
 
 Bid Sickness bind in venom'd spell 
 
 Those limbs so graceful now, and light ;
 
 122 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 Nay, take it too thou shaJt not spare 
 Her magic tongue's resistless tone, 
 
 And call grim Poverty to scare 
 All friends aua^- save one alone. 
 
 "lis done but vain, alas ! I find 
 1/acli change my freedom to restore. 
 
 For oil ! thou canst not change her 7nind, 
 So only mak'st me love her more. 
 
 ja. 
 
 niUGE. 
 
 'Tis not that, early >ummon'd from the Earth, 
 Sad vale of pain and sorrow, thou Ijast fled 
 
 lor sure to realms more suited to thy worth 
 
 Thou .soar'st, dear Saint ! by pitying Seraphs led 
 
 Tis not for this my tears incessant flow, 
 
 For this that ceaseless grief corrodes my nund; 
 l>'it 'tis (and oh I'urgive the selfish woe) 
 That / a lonely wretch urn left bthind.
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. 123 
 
 56. 
 
 ON SEEING A GREEN HANDKERCHIEF VERY OFTEN KOUNO 
 THE NECK OF AN IRISH YOUNG LADY. 
 
 Oh ! why fair Traitress! round thy neck is seen, 
 Still seen^ that standard of rebellious green } 
 Is it to shew us, that thou still canst scorn us ? 
 Or is it rather kindly meant to warn us. 
 That Erin's tj/es can rival Bx'itain's gu7is, 
 And slay, revengeful, half her hapless sons ? 
 
 57. 
 
 Ah me ! those eyes are flame, are very tlame ; 
 
 Too bright, alas ! for souls like mine to bear : 
 Then how canst thou, soft Fair, such ardours tame. 
 
 And e'en those eyes in careless safety wear ? 
 Canst thou (a salamander) sport with fire ? 
 Art thou so cold that nought can heat inspire ?
 
 124 LOVE SONGS, &C. 
 
 No no 'tis rather, that thou *rt good and pure ; 
 
 And, as the good and pure ot" old could meet 
 The ordeal test in innocence secure. 
 
 Whilst guilty wretches pt rish'd by its heat ; 
 So thou, dear Saint I those eyes may'^t wear, whilst I, 
 Struck by their blaze, poor sinner! droop and die. 
 
 5G. 
 
 TO TIICTH. 
 
 O TiicTH I l)y sages grave 'tis said, 
 
 To Virtue lliuu 'rt of friends the surest ; 
 
 That in nice snowy robes thou'rt clad 
 Of Virgins pure, the very purest ; 
 
 And that thine eye of Heav'n's own blue 
 
 Can beam, than Heav'n's own lightnings brighter 
 
 Thy breast so firm and shaj)ely too. 
 Than poiish'd Parian marble whiter ;
 
 LOVE SONGS, &C. I2b 
 
 Nay, that in Heav'n a welcome <^uest, 
 
 Tliou chiefly 6ojOurn'.st, 'tis reported. 
 And there, thy matchless charms coafest. 
 
 By x\ngeis selves art coax'd and courted ; 
 
 Or, if to Earth thou tak'st a fli^h^ 
 
 Some strange event the jaunl compelling. 
 
 With one, as Angels gciod and bright, 
 With Lauka stiil thou i)nd'^t a dwelhng. 
 
 All this I'll grant, and ten times mo-e : 
 But all to b;ess thee shall not move me; 
 
 For oil ! thou tell'st me o'er and o'er. 
 Still tell st ine, Laura scorns to love me. 
 
 57. 
 
 Oh 1 not because adown my cheek 
 No gushing tears in torrents flow 
 
 No struggling sighs my sorrows speak. 
 No loud laments proclaim my woe. 
 
 Oh, tliink not my poor heart is free 
 
 From Love's severest agony : 
 
 K
 
 126 LOVE SONGSj &C. 
 
 But some who 've mark'd t!iut Love so true 
 Thro' years of tender service tried ; 
 
 If half (unkind !) iny griefs they knew. 
 Might ha])ly blame thy thankless j)ride ; 
 
 So mute I'll die less \n\n% 'twill be 
 
 Ere brino- one breath of blame on thee. 
 
 58. 
 
 TO AN ANGRY LADY WITfl BlUCJHl l.YE.- 
 
 Oh ! could I (cruel !) hear llu e right ' 
 
 Was it a mandate to depart r 
 To fjuit thee to avdid thy sight ? 
 
 Has mercy all then lett thine heart ? 
 
 Yet, if that once-kind heart of thine, 
 
 ^^'hich o'er my >ighs once iov'd to sigh 
 
 Can ne\cr more bt-at time with mine, 
 'Twa.> INIercy's self that ijade me tly :
 
 LOVK SONGS^ &C. \21 
 
 Thus was in niercy Adam driv'n 
 Far distant from his bower of bli;;s ; 
 
 Nor, ling-'rinjy, left to view the Ileav'n 
 That never could again be his; 
 
 But angrier Angel iltou must be 
 
 Than that whom Adam fkd to shun 
 
 Since, in those eyes incens'd I see 
 Trvo flaming swords instead of one.
 
 anti = tickl.er: 
 
 ONE THOUSAND AND ONE BAD THINGS. 
 
 PART II.
 
 E V I G R A M S, Sec. 
 
 1. 
 
 ON A TALL BUT INANIMATE YOUNG LADV. 
 
 yja Nature ! Nature I how the world you cheated. 
 When Delia's form majestic you created ! 
 Then, like a truant, needs must spoil the whole. 
 And gave so large a Maid so small a soul : 
 Thus the fantastic Monarch of the Nile 
 Rais'd the fam'd Pyramid's gigantic pile 
 So proud a work tlie world had never known. 
 And all to hold a little chest of stone.
 
 132 EPIGUAMS^ &C. 
 
 ru MKS. SIDDONSj ON Hi U ARSENCF. FUOM THE STAGJi. 
 ^^Vlilttll duiin.' ttic liftty-vuinld, IM'.'..) 
 
 O StudOxNS ! hast thou really left the stao-e ? 
 
 Oh, wherefore in seclusion dost thou live ? 
 Is it, because thou deein'st a t'larikless ai^e 
 
 Unworthy such deli<ihts as thou canst give ? 
 
 Or is it sickness that suspends thine art ? 
 
 If so, may Heaven thy matchless powers restort ; 
 For though to sec thee oft hath wrun|^ my heart. 
 
 Yet thus to lose thee, wrings it ten times more.
 
 El'IGRAMS, &C. lo'J 
 
 8. 
 
 Whun the Devil, ciigag' d with Job's patience iubatUe 
 Tooth and nail strove to we^iry him out of his life ; 
 
 lie robb'd him of ehiidren, slaves, houses, and cattle 
 Yet, mark me, he n<;'ei- thought of taking his v.ife : 
 
 But Heaven at length Job's forbearance rewards, 
 At length double wealth, double honour arrives 
 
 Heaven doubles his children, slaves, houses, and herds 
 But we don't hear a word of a cou|)ie of wives. 
 
 AMENDK HONOUAin.i; FOU THE AiJOVK. 
 
 fhi hearing a Lady assert that the lot of iMea had, ii\ 
 all ages, l)een Ijetter than that of Women ; and that 
 all history, sacred and profane, proved it. 
 
 What 3Ien than Women greater blessings share? 
 How false the charue, one instance shall declare :
 
 Io4 EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 \\'litu IVojiuni, * lu(jkiii^; l)ack, siiw lliiiio-; denied 
 To ii.i.rtai eye to view she only diidl 
 ^^ iieii Man * look'd baek, a Ijarder faie he prov'd 
 lie /;;:'(/ to wcci) tile lo;-> of her he lov'd. 
 
 Somm: Icvis, (jiianquam ror;i--inia mortis iniaiju, 
 
 (.'oii-ortcm cu])i<i, le tanien e-se tori, 
 Aiiiia <|Uie~, opiata vcni, nam .-\c -ine vita, 
 
 Viivrc, (jiiam .-nave est, sii; ^ine morte nK'ii. 
 
 PAu^FHlMsi:. 
 
 Slf,[:>', tlioii^h thfiu 'it \\kv to Death s,, homely- 
 
 Death, wlioni we vote >o <^reai a Imre; 
 Yet stiii I sucar thou 'it tair and eoiiiely, 
 
 And still thy tavours I implore : 
 
 * Alluding (1 pr<?suine) to I.ol's wife m sacnd, ami 
 Oq.heus \'.\ projune hiitoiy.
 
 EPIGRAMS^ &C. 135 
 
 How sweet, when thou thy smiles bestowing, 
 Consent'st, dear Sleep ! my bed to share ; 
 
 I die, life's precious spark >till o-lowing 
 I live without life's c-rsed care. 
 
 INSCIUHTION ON A SPUING. 
 
 Ye self-enamour'il Beaux that })ass. 
 To Nature's Laws for once be true; 
 
 For once forg-et the looking-glass. 
 
 And tarry here your charms to view ; 
 
 And trust me, Sirs, I will not mourn, 
 E'en though Narci-sus' fate ensue, 
 
 For, these my favouritt' banks t' adorn, 
 I want an idle tluwer or two.
 
 136 EPIGRAMSj &C. 
 
 Ye Belles, like Dian chaste and fair. 
 Who wish to tempt this chrystal tloodj 
 
 Jump in no saucy Faun shall >tare. 
 No rou|^h ActsBon shall intrude : 
 
 Only as joy on Earth, alas ! 
 
 Unmix'd with sorrow, no one knows 
 l^Thaps a little broken glass 
 
 May cut your alabaster toes. 
 
 WiiiN' Colin lirst ventur'd to ravish a kiss. 
 Ail tr.uiblinL; he vvhuspcr'd," Bar squeakino^, dear Miss.-" 
 "P.-liaw, (Jidiii '"' (jUOiJ! Pluilis, " such nons(MiSf give o'er- 
 Uar sfjui-akiiig ! go, simpleton, go b(Lr the door I"
 
 EPIGRAMS, &C. I37 
 
 (Thought from the Frencli.) 
 
 Monsieur says^ " Emperor Nap. the Great 
 Alone supports the Gallic state ; 
 
 For George we would not change him :" 
 " Supports ? aye, true/' cries English Jack ; 
 " So doth a halter round the neck 
 
 Support a wretch, and hang him." 
 
 9. 
 
 ,IEU D ESPRIT. 
 
 A BRIGHT jewel is Chastity, wise ones declare 
 A jewel which doubtless fine Ladies all wear : 
 But then it 's a rule with fine Ladies, 'tis said. 
 To put off their jewels when going to bed.
 
 13S 
 
 EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 10. 
 
 INSCRIPTION IN A CKLLAR nOOK. 
 
 The jolly (ind liarclm-^, the hark of a tree, 
 Tlu; suhstuutive hook, ami th.c w^jcctivf free 
 Tlu-( /')/:/ ilifi'mit inca'.iinu* (U'lli Lihf.ii contain : 
 That ili'.y nil arc met heif, ! >hall shortly explain : 
 In llu fir.-t place; 'r<( lUux/nis thi* Ixujk is (.le\OLe(l; 
 Sccmk', how many corks are drawn, hire i> denotid ; 
 'Ihirtl, that lhi> i~ a hook, ynu will .-carcely deny ; 
 And loiirlh, ;.- ihv f),c, 'ti.- the htmk-le.pi'r I ; 
 Or it may be yourself, Sir, whenever you're dry.
 
 EPIGUAMS, &C. 131) 
 
 ON HKARING A GENTLEMAIX BRAU OF THE ANTiailTY OF 
 HIS FAMILY. 
 
 That your family 's ancient, I would not dispute 
 Even tho' vou should claim your descent from a Bute. 
 
 \2, 
 
 ON A STUPID AN'U AVARICIOUS PHYSICIAN. 
 (From (he luili.iii.) 
 
 Crowds of patients every l.our 
 
 Sordid Galen's aid demand ; 
 And still g'olden guineas shower 
 
 Into his still-extended hand : 
 
 Yet, those iie takes, he dares not spend, 
 But to his uscic-s lieap ttill heaps them;- 
 
 Say, wiio 's tlie nr^atest tool, my friend, 
 \ou. \y\i) irivf, or /ic wiio keep.- ihem ?
 
 140 EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 13. 
 
 .!OB S COMFOR'J. 
 
 " But one thing, dear Doctor, Tin anxious to learn, 
 Do you think these d n'd grijjfc.s will he apt to return r" 
 "Rctinn ? ])rythee ne'er l^t tiie thouglitsof it ii,rieve you; 
 Kojthey ne'er can rcturii, i<;r they ne'er mean to tcavc you. 
 
 14. 
 
 ON -r.EING A POMPOUS KeNEKAL FOR A HAD HUSBAND. 
 
 " Wiiv for your Spouse this pompous fuss ? 
 \Va,s he not all his life your curse r 
 Did he not teaz; and scold a\id tight, 
 And jjlague you moriung, noon, and night r"
 
 EPIGRAMS^ &C. 141 
 
 ' True, but at length one j^ingle action 
 Made up for each past uialefaction." 
 " Indeed ! what was this action pray ?" 
 " Wliy, Sir, it was he died one day/' 
 
 15. 
 
 When Strephon sings his Chloe's praise, 
 Dehghted Chloe hears his lays ; 
 The Youth she loves, but still denies 
 To yield the hand for which he sighs : 
 
 " Say, what can Strephon's bliss oppose r" 
 'Tis that his gentle mistress knows 
 She 'II cease to >hiuc, when cease his pains, 
 A goddess in his love-sick strains.
 
 142 EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 IG. 
 
 AN^AMl ID AN IM-l'I K' \1 K ^ \I.;NT1NK PENT lO A LADY, 
 
 Y(i';ii nil (tied '>'' ', -loiim ;'. " .\yiii[>li so divine," 
 \\ ;is nulei'!, nw (Icir 1 i!l\ , a coarse one^ 
 
 And wini.-t y;".i .< t up to i.r " m:\;(/ Vi.lcntiiir,'' 
 \t)\\ \\( re nioir like his i'on:;h liiothcr Orson. 
 
 I?. 
 
 TO A F;.li..Nn WHO HA!) i)KI)i:ili:i) AN rXTHAVAC \N I 
 ImNNKK at a rolTUK-IIOlN!'. 
 
 A 1.0 Nf;-r.Ai;'i) siuij.Uii'M of old 
 (,'on\< rl<i! all iii> //.'.'/.' lo :<:!i/ ; 
 
 J>Ut yoM, W 1>(: Su', r,',;;.v;' lilt f '.;', 
 
 And all \ o\n' t'o/d clnur'c; into meat.
 
 EPIGRAMS;, &C. 143 
 
 18. 
 
 WKITTEN IN THE FIRST PAGE OF JEREMIAH TAYLOK S 
 SERMONS, BELONGING TO A FRIEND. 
 
 The world maintains, deny 't wlio can. 
 That Taylors nint can make a man ; 
 
 But this, dear friend, depend on 
 If men were all as bad as you, 
 yinety like Jerry [entre nous) 
 
 Would not suffice to mend one. 
 
 19. 
 
 From " The Tickler."') 
 
 ' Yo( II Lap-Dog- 's the arrantest devil in nature 
 Zounds, Madam ! he 's play'd me the c-rsedest trick ; 
 
 \Viiy,iif 's hit a piece out of my leg!" "Pretty creature I 
 Lord love him ! I hope that it won't make him sick !"
 
 144 EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 ?0. 
 
 THE PARAPHK\SK OF I.IN!S LFFT BY THF ACBE Dl 
 
 VF.NUOME ON Till, lABLF, Or NINON 
 
 DE l.'l.NCl.OS. 
 
 Adifv, iiif^THte ! I say aciicii 
 
 Concluded is thy fecblt rcic^ii ; 
 '1 hy oiice-lo\ 'd late I now can view, 
 
 And mark its >t(irn and t'tcl no |),.;n 
 Nay. miu lliat I.ovi; no nioic my >ii;iil disarms, 
 Bv liea\"M- I lind 'twas Lovc- tli.it k'lil tlicc tliarni 
 
 MNON S ANSWEU. 
 
 With all my licart, j^ood Sir, adieu 
 
 Concludt'd he my t'eehle rei'^n ; 
 You 're weleonu- slil! ,f,y face to viiu, 
 
 And mark its -Corn, and teel nti pain ; 
 But |.rav, if Love makes folks look iair and smuu'ly^ 
 How could you, liavc so much and look so nt;ly ''
 
 EPIGRAMS^ &C. 145 
 
 31. 
 
 FOU A GLEE. 
 
 " How shall I my path recover ? 
 
 Pry thee, gentle Hermit, say" 
 " Many a furlong', luckless rover ! 
 
 Hast thou wander'd from thy way." 
 
 " Oh, I fear this forest's danger 
 
 Where till morning can I dw^ell ?" 
 " Seek no farilier, hapless stranger I 
 
 Come ana :-ujoUixi lu uiy ce:l. ' 
 
 -' Hunger this poor frame doth seize too" 
 " Thou shall share my commons short; 
 
 Root-, nut?, heib-, coar?e bread, hard cheese too; 
 Then a sup o'i- old red port."
 
 146 EPlGRAMSj &C. 
 
 22. 
 
 WRITTEN .-POnTIVELY IN THE .IKST PAGE OF A 
 IKlIiNU's liOOK. 
 
 When Job Bildali's malice no Ioniser could brook. 
 He cried, " Oh that mine enemy had writlen a book !'' 
 Intending to ^ive a full scojjc to hi> i)ique. 
 As the learned aj^ree in a candid critique : 
 
 But Job's project of veng'eance had been at an end, 
 Had the book of his foe been like that of my friend ; 
 For he 'd -carcely, methink>, have contriv'd to review it. 
 Since e'en Job had lack'd patience to read half way 
 thro' it.
 
 EPIGRAMS, &C. 147 
 
 23. 
 
 on heaking a disagrfe \ble woman complain of 
 man's inconstancy. 
 
 You say we 're false I answer, yes ; 
 Inconstant, fickle, I confess 
 
 But why should this to anger move you ? 
 You, Phillis, are not doom'd to sigh 
 From Man's inconstancy , for why ? 
 
 A man must first be found to love you. 
 
 24. 
 
 ON HEARING THE WIFE OF A MAN OF GENIUS PLAYFULLY 
 CALL HER HUSUAND A TOAD. 
 
 calls her a toad : so far 
 
 The charge is not unjuslly made, 
 
 That has long been known to wear 
 
 A precious jewel in his head.
 
 148 EPIGRAMS^ &C. 
 
 25. 
 
 THE MODEST POET, 
 
 'Tis s;ii(l oh most [gracious Apollo ! 
 
 Tliat Poets thou lov'st to hetViend ; 
 Now this trade I've determiird to fbllo\r- 
 
 So, low at thintj altar I bend : 
 
 But tho' thou 'rt a patron most able, 
 I'm a suitor so uiodf^t, 1 vow. 
 
 That yive l>ut two Imj/s in my stable, 
 And I won't ask tor one on my brow.
 
 EPIGRAMS, &C. 149 
 
 26. 
 
 (From (he French of J. B. Uoiis-(;ii!.) 
 
 Ben Bruin, a quarrelsome fellow, one tlay 
 
 Got a peeper knock'd out in a terrible fray 
 
 " Take my pill/' cried a Quack as he chanc'd to pass by : 
 
 " I) n your pill," cried poor Ben, " 1 shall lose my righl 
 
 eye." 
 " Take my ])ill," <|uoth the Quack, as he help'd him to 
 
 stand. 
 And you shan't lose your eye I've it here in my hand." 
 
 27, 
 
 (From the French.) 
 
 " And, wilt thou never leave off play ?" 
 
 Said Douis to her son one day : 
 
 " No, Ma'am, I won't," said he, " that's flat, 
 
 UntU you leave off you know what." 
 
 " hicorrigible wretch ! I see 
 
 Thou never wilt reform," said she.
 
 150 EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 2S. 
 
 What I dar'st ihou, stomidrcl Sleep ! pretend 
 That thdu 'rt, lorsooth, iiiun'.s choicest friend r 
 
 Tlun mine, l)y Heav'ii?, sliall he the la-k 
 Thy ueiuiiiu' jxirtrait licrt' to trace ; 
 Thus all sliail know thy traitor t'ace^ 
 
 111 >j)itc oC its (kimirt'st mask : 
 
 Scarce scarce I'd Ict'l my nurse's lireast, 
 And laid mine inlar.t head to rest. 
 
 When thou must needs commence ihy pranks 
 Such (juctr illusions round must shed, 
 As made me drown voitli tears my bed. 
 
 And got me many a score of spunks : 
 
 Tliou next each morn niust seal my eyes, 
 Thoui^h loudly ( all'd llie hell to rise 
 
 To I'lav'rs or brc akl'a^t, school or church ; 
 Thence evils I'loh Iicm I my h-H-in 
 i\ot ///(// iVem fair soft htnuls, hut (rot 'em) 
 
 l-'rom dev'lish hlack liard twi'is of birch :
 
 EPIGRAMS;, &C. 151 
 
 And then, oh then ! what stores of knowledg-e 
 I 'd stow'd into my brains at college^, 
 
 Hadst thou left hovering' ronnd my head ! 
 What learned lore my tntor taught ! 
 What quartos, folios huge I bought, 
 
 And but for thee perchance had rt'ad : 
 
 But not from thee black gowns protect 
 Nay, for lawn sleeves thou 'st small resi>ect ; 
 
 Thou car'st not tho' a bishop ])reaclies ; 
 By thee in court I've oft been crost ; 
 By thee I've Lords' best stories lost, 
 
 And many a Patriot's longest speeches : 
 
 Ilow oft (d(ii(;(^ take thee I) hast tliou sent me 
 Thy Tom-Fool Morpheus to torment me ; 
 
 And, (hang the juggler !) how lie 'U shake 
 My very bed with fancies frightful, 
 Or lioax with visions so delightful. 
 
 Thai oh, it breaks my heart to uake :
 
 152 EPIGRAMSj &C. 
 
 \hiitheji, thy treasons all were crown'd, 
 That ni'^ht, alas ! when Ceha frow u'd ! 
 
 Though still 1 call'd thee, barbarous Sleep, 
 To help ine to foi<2;et her scorn ; 
 Thou left^t nie still a wretch ibrloni, 
 
 To count the ling'ring- hours and weep : 
 
 And yet, thy manners wouldst thou mend. 
 As thou 'rt a sort of oldish friend, 
 
 It t;(>es a^;ain-t my heart to flout thee ; 
 Kay, thou 'it so ])h asant ofi, I vow- 
 That, aft( r all, < \)c scarci' knows how 
 
 To {)as> a su)ile night without thee : 
 
 Sweet Sleep ! But civil words are vain, 
 Ti)ou 'rt al tliy rascal tricks again ! 
 
 Yea, wliil-l ili\ fiitndship I'm imploring; 
 Tiiou tr(a<lHi<iu> imp I why, J'H he -hot 
 If, by thy u lit edliiiLls \ile, tln.u'st ni.it 
 
 My gentle Keadcr sit a Mioring.
 
 EPIGRAMS^ &C. 153 
 
 29. 
 
 On hearing an opulent young Lady maintain, that the 
 same causes ahvays produce the same eflects ; many 
 Gentlemen having called in during the argument. 
 
 That opposite effects may flow 
 
 From the same cause, 'tis clear 's no hum ; 
 For Money makes the mare to ^'o. 
 
 But makes tlje men to come. 
 
 m 
 
 ON K SEAT MADE OUT OF AN OLl> ClIIMNtV. 
 
 EccE ('arninus cram teter nunc al!)a cf)lumna 
 Sa'vus ubi ignis erat fi'igora Mimui pctis.
 
 154 EPIGRAMS;, &C. 
 
 31. 
 
 TO A 1;AD I'LAYER ON TUF. FI.L IF.. 
 
 Whene'f.h, dear Friend, you ])l;iy n\)tm your flute , 
 'Tis not yoiu" tiiut:, but mc you execute. 
 
 32. 
 
 Jack \\'ii.d one niunun;^' chanc'd to pa^;- 
 ISear Ilayne^'s airy tonil) - 
 
 " Ail me '/' Ik eried, " all ik>li i> yra,-.- ; 
 To titi-'i we all iiiu^t eunie !" 
 
 The izibbct Intel \ nu lluiin-.Un'.-lieath.
 
 EPIGRAMS, &C. 155 
 
 23. 
 
 Addressed to a set of wooden Cliessmeii, wr.iist puUino- 
 thein back into the hn'^, aCter an unsuccessful cam- 
 paign. 
 
 Back into darkness get ye hack, ^^ 
 You vile, vexatious, wooden pack ! 
 
 * Montaigne seriously attempts to prove, that the workl 
 never did, nor ever c'an produce (nie person with ihc smallest 
 pretensions to genius, vvlio could win a game at chess ; and 
 poor discomfited Mr. R. used seriously to timl consolation 
 in his attempt; inasmuch, he would say, " as it really does 
 prove that the world has producetl ai least one with the 
 greatest pretensions to genius, who labouretl under this 
 disability :" I would sonutinies smile (in my sleeve) a .d 
 say, " it proved tliat the wurld has produced tivo .-" and 
 the Reader (for reasons best knov, n t<; himseit) may l)e 
 willing to extend the number to fkrre ; t^j whicli I siiall 
 not object ; leaving it to his conscience to determine, whe- 
 ther the third shall be tiie R.-uhr or the iichtor.
 
 155 EPIGUAMS, &C. 
 
 Yoi/ kinfj> and (jueeiis, and coiirteons kniiihts ! 
 No no, you're devils, I've no doubt, 
 Disguis'dj and lie who chopp'd yon out 
 
 Should (like a witch) be burnt, by ri-hf : 
 
 For none vvlio >tole of old, t'roin Ilfll, 
 In wood or -ttme with men to dwell, 
 
 Stern Jove, wuh ail his " /ig/iln/'.;., 
 Moloeh " w ith infants' blood besmear'd," 
 Nor l^iiilo w i'ii the !:';ri>lv beard, 
 
 l^re }i!auueu i'oik> half so bad as you. 
 
 ZS'av, niild conipar'd to you the eng nu-., 
 Whieh purple tyrants, for tlieii- vengeunee. 
 
 Have iorni'd (iike you) from liarndes.- wood: 
 The ]iiiln!-\-, w hinping-post, and >tock.-, 
 Tile r;!ek, the gibbet, or the box 
 
 Wherein i)!aek Negroes' thund)^ art ~errMM. 
 
 For licrc sit i, and ^cratch my head, 
 Oni: e]\( t k dead while, uiic li(i-_\ red, 
 
 lii^ (U'on> run I'aec- down my face; 
 And all b( cau-t: not on( of yoi;, 
 In ^pite of all I say oi' do, 
 
 \'<,iuelisiif( to lind his proper plan :
 
 EPIGRAMS, &C. 157 
 
 And there whilst thus I'm fuming, fretting, 
 Behold my foe so saucy getting-, 
 
 In raptures o'er my sorrows joking; 
 Or, of a triumph fresh secure. 
 Looking so modest and demure. 
 
 Merely to make it more provoking. 
 
 Thus game, and game, and game to lose, 
 (The deuce a bit of luck t' excuse). 
 
 By heavens, ^twould set a saint a raving; 
 Nay, to my lot should victor^/ fall. 
 What should I gain ? why, after all. 
 
 An empty conquest, not worth having. 
 
 Then hence since thus ye can aflbrd, 
 About a paltry painted board. 
 
 As much vexation, care, and spite- 
 As much hostility can make 
 As though an empire were at stake 
 
 Hence pigmy plagues to endless night ! 
 
 Go for I've even seen you place 
 A cloud o'er Celia's * heavenly face. 
 
 * I hope, and trust, ( otherwue I should fee! 
 myself bound by all the laws ot' chivalry to throw thi
 
 158 EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 And never cloud before was there ; 
 Nay ?iie oh miracle ! e'en 7ne 
 In spite of all my loyalty. 
 
 You've made 7>ie wish her Lord knows where 
 
 whole concern into the flames whicli, to be sure, 
 favours a little of a somewhat formidable tlireat) that no 
 one will be so perverse, as to draw from this confession any 
 interences unfavourable to the sweetness of poor Celia's 
 temper; for it must be remembered, that even the gentle 
 and innocent Miranda (although she had but a few minutes 
 before been so good-uaUirLU as to drag about iiugc logs (^f 
 wood, that her Lov^er might sit still and re>t hini^^lf,) could 
 not, when she found that lie had (not ovei--gallantl)) brought 
 her into a hobble on the chess-board, refrain from taxing him 
 point blank with cheating, and it cost him one of his finest 
 compliments to appease her. I nmst, moreover, take the 
 freedom of observing, that old Prospero himself docs not 
 appear to me to have acted ([uitc so much like a conjuror as 
 usual, wlien hv set down two young folks, whom h'.,' w ished to 
 grow tbnd of each olhur, by the ear> togitlier at this sociable 
 pastime ; unless inch.cd he trusted to tliere not being anotln i 
 beau (jf In-ll!' in tin; wlioh' i-laiid ; v hiiii might, I ;;ciniif, 
 have some (.fleet in dissuading the p.uties from bein;_: 
 inexorable in their rest'ntiiieijl.
 
 EPIGRAMS;, &C. 159 
 
 Go and in durance vile remain, 
 Like lame Asmodeus ne'er again 
 
 In seemly ranks arrayM to meet ; 
 There hang, to banishment consign'd 
 That is unless I chance to find 
 
 Some stupid dog I*m sure to beat. 
 
 33. 
 
 EPITAPH ON A DOG. 
 (From th Latia -anti Italian.) 
 
 Steun at Robbers I bark'd, but to Lovers relented 
 Thus my Master and Mistress alike I contented.
 
 160 EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 34. 
 
 INSCRIPTION ON A DOG S COLLAk. 
 (From the French.) 
 
 My dear Lady I'll follow, aye, all the M'orld over. 
 
 For she keeps me to watch and bite all thatdon'tloveher; 
 
 Yet I never (altho' true and valiant 's my nature) 
 
 In my life have been known to bite one living creature. 
 
 35. 
 
 (^From the French.) 
 
 IIeixe's a beauty and poet, (fine things ') but the curse is. 
 That Belle makes her sweet face, and dont make her 
 sweet verses.
 
 EPIGRAMS;, &C, 161 
 
 36, 
 
 ADDUESS TO A.V OLD COURT CALE.VDAR. * 
 
 Yes, once poor outcast wretch ! 'twas thine 
 For twelve whole glorious months to shine. 
 
 Of books a sort of a lord-may'r ! 
 With thee so priz'cl thee all the nation 
 I 've doubted, in their estimation. 
 
 Whether their praj/'r-books could compare : 
 
 For then, in scarlet fresh array'd, 
 On brightest tables wast thou laid ; 
 
 * The following trifle was written, I believe, during the 
 year 1809 ; my reason for making this observation, will be 
 but too mournfully obvious ; I trust I have not done wrong, 
 in not suppressing it, which would have been indeed attri- 
 buting to it an importance, which it does not merit; If I 
 have erred, however, [ am inclined to feel confident, it will 
 be believed that tlie error was in my judgment oidy.
 
 162 EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 Consulted fifty times a day ; 
 And all their friends despis'd or treasur'd, 
 Xay, e'en their own importance measiu'd. 
 
 As thou their merits didst display ; 
 
 But 7J011- how alter'd is thy case 
 iS'c^iected, tarnish'd, out of place. 
 
 Here in this corner dark thou 'rt cast : 
 Well, if thy lot thou noiv shouldst curse. 
 One scarce could blame thee ; yet a worse 
 
 Far worse I f^ness thou 'It find at last ! 
 
 Yet, though in thy pro>perity 
 
 Thou ne'er l)Cstow'dst one word on me; 
 
 Yet, ne'ei- from nic contemjit thuu 'It find ; 
 For none, hke thine old tatter"d page. 
 Can guard me from ambition's rage, 
 
 r)r kick out envy from my mind. 
 
 Thy PAGE TUF FIRM- wlvdt niouarchs grace! 
 
 But whtii their iate> my thoughts would trace- 
 All all from life I !iii(! are lied; 
 
 Some by th' as-^as^in's blow beat down ; 
 
 Some ca{)tives died without a cronii, 
 And more than one without a /lend.
 
 EP^GRAIilS, &c. 163 
 
 Or grant by once more conning over. 
 Mine eyes more curious should discover 
 
 One in thy Sovereign batch surviving ; * 
 Then mark her to a distant land 
 Chas'd by an impious, upstart band 
 
 A widow, exile, maniac, living ' 
 
 V\'here are thy Lords so great and proud; 
 Who whilome aw'd the gaping crowd 
 
 With stars, lawn sleeves, swords, staffs and mace*. 
 With talents, title, wealth, or birth ? 
 All (save some few) are low in earth. 
 
 And stripling boys have ta'en their places. 
 
 Nay, where thy tripping Tits of Honour, 
 Whom Chaulotte kept to wait upon her. 
 
 And charm her Court's befrizzled beaux : 
 Why, they're too all in earth so dusty. 
 Or still drag on old maids so musty, 
 
 With gout in all their tovelj/ toes. 
 
 The Queen of Portugal, the only Continental Sovereign, 
 mentioned in old Court Calendars, now living.
 
 164" EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 These fall ; fresh names, fresh annals swell 
 But which again, like thee, shall tell 
 
 Of wisdom, eloquence, and wit ? 
 For lo ! in death, as worth allied. 
 Now sleep in silence, side by side. 
 
 Thy mighty rivals Fox and Pitt. 
 
 But still from murmurs we'll refrain. 
 Since GtoiicE and his good Wife remain ; 
 
 And oh ! (God bless him ! and God bless her 1) 
 I wish with all my heart they would 
 ('Tis merely for the nation's good) 
 
 Commend mc to thy next successor : 
 
 As what, I'm not particular 
 
 As knight, judge, bishop I don 't care 
 
 As general, cloth'd like thee in scarlet j 
 As duke, first lord o' th' treasury 
 Or to oblige them let it be 
 
 As spouse to swett young Pr-nc-ss Ch-rl-tte 1
 
 EPIGRAMS^ &C. 165 
 
 37. 
 
 TO AN ODD GKNTLE.MAN. 
 
 In Noah's days if you had Hv'd, 
 
 He 'd have been puzzled what to do ; 
 
 For Lord knows, how he 'd have contriv'd 
 To find two animals like you.
 
 166 EPIGllAMSj &C. 
 
 38. 
 
 TO A .iack-ass. 
 
 ;^oioi yxp Tf 'CT/Qof xxlxy.ti3clxi Iv Aios ads- 
 ^uf*i, oix diouiai, xaxiv, 'irs^os ds toc'jjt' 
 ill (txEV KX^yii^xi Our) 'Ztvs Tt^'niy.i^xvvos, 
 AXAoIe fA-iv T KXKui oyi y.vfi\xi, oi^XoJe TsadKu. 
 
 niA,. Ix. n. 527530. 
 
 Fast by the threshold of Jove's courts are plac'd 
 Two casks, one stor'd with evil, one with good, 
 From which the God dispenses as he v.ills ; 
 For whom the Thund'rer inirurles botli. 
 His life is chequer'd with alternate good 
 
 And evil . 
 
 ("owper's Translation, b. xxiv, I. 60S 662. 
 
 Nay, Jacky, why dost stand so sad 
 The very image of Despair ? 
 
 Jove keeps iivo paik of good and bad. 
 And all of both must swig their share. 
 
 What though of foot thou 'rt rather slow. 
 And somcivhat aukward in thy paces r 
 
 Thou 'rt ne'er ^-hunting forc'd to go 
 Nor oft to crack thy wind in races .
 
 EPIGRAMS, &C. 167 
 
 Or tho' thy shaggy coat, so rough. 
 
 Don't please men's eyes, unseemly hanging ; 
 
 Yet what of that ? 'tis warm and tough. 
 And keeps out many a precious banging : 
 
 That thistle too 's not over-savoury, 
 And to thy tongue may rou^hislt feel ; 
 
 But then no cribbing hostler's knavery 
 Curtails thee of thy homely meal : 
 
 And if for wit I own 'tis clear 
 
 That thou to Nature art no debtor ; 
 Why, Lord there's many a noble Peer, 
 
 She has 'nt us'd a sixpence better : 
 
 " But oh my voice," thou 'It say 's " so hoarse:'" 
 Pshaw ! ne'er for that, dear Jack, repine ; 
 
 For though, 1 grant, 'tis raiher coarse. 
 Yet haik ! 'tis full as fine as mine.
 
 16S EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 S9. 
 
 VltUM THE FRENCH OF MAIIQLIS DF. FCLVY, ON THE KIND 
 liHCEPTION OF LOtlS XVIII. IN '. \G1.ANU. 
 
 O GENEuous England ! on thy peaceful ground 
 A place to rest my wearied feet h;ul found; 
 Yet, s^till a stranger 'midst thy sons I dwelt, 
 Still like a liomeless haj)le>s wanderer felt : 
 
 13ut -since my king with thee has sought repose- 
 Has souglit and found a refuge from his foes j 
 No mjre an evile on thy shores I roam. 
 For thou art now my conndy and my home.
 
 EPIGRAMS, &C. 169 
 
 40. 
 
 TO A KUSH-LIGHT. 
 
 O YOUNGEST, puniest, ug-liest Son of Light ! 
 Form'd but to live thro' one short joyless night; 
 
 And then of pale consumption to expire ! 
 Tliy comelier brother, Pindar * deign'd to sing- 
 So thou, poor imp ! shalt also wake a string. 
 
 One tuneless string upon the Muse's lyre : 
 
 * This may refer, either to the Grecian Pindar's Odes to 
 Apollo (or the Sun), or to the British Pindar's Ode to his 
 Candle; and a-propos, as Anacharsis, jun. (or rather Mon- 
 sieur Anacharse le jeune, for, althougii he affects to be a 
 Scythian, he is evidtiithj as arrant a Frenchman as his brother 
 story-teller George Psalmanazzar) is ready to make oath that 
 he saw the joint-stool, whereon the Theban Rhapsodist used 
 to sit, whilst he chaunted these liis odes, hung up as a national 
 trophy in the chief temple at Delphos, I deem it incum- 
 bent on me just to hint to the dean and chapter of St. Paul's,
 
 170 EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 Tho' bright thy sire, yet thou 'it obscure and mean ; 
 Tho' FAT thy mother, thou so lank and lean. 
 
 With spiitin;^s sick'li/ must thy streu'^lh consume ; 
 Thy grace of shape I can't insist on much ; 
 A vvip^ht thou 'rt most unlovely to the ioiich. 
 
 Nor to the nose art thou a choice perfume : 
 
 Yet let capricious Sleep refuse to shed 
 His wonted solace round a wretch's head. 
 
 And art thou still the object of his scorn r 
 Ah no contemn'd " in hnuis of ease," but now 
 " A ministering angel th(ju " 
 
 E'en ihou'h be call'd to cheer him till the dawn : 
 
 that I am at this moment lolling in a corner of the very great- 
 chair, which Mr. B. was wont iojill, whilst he bellowed forth 
 his inspirations, to certain tunes, which I suppose must have 
 been of his own invention, as I never heard bounds the least 
 like them, come from the mouth of any other human being ; 
 and that, allhf)ugh it might, I do not doubt, in due time be 
 retailed out to greater advantage to make tooth-picks and 
 tobacco-sto[)pers for the virtuosi, yet, for the honour of the 
 country, 1 shall have no particular oiijcction to bartering it 
 ivhoUsale, for the first good lease which may chance to be at 
 their disposal.
 
 EPIGRAMS, &C. 171 
 
 And if thou cot)i'st to guard his lonely room. 
 No flitting ghost to haunt it shall presume. 
 
 No feverish fantasy his soul shall scare, 
 No doling demon dream to madness goad 
 His chest, no squatting Incubus shall load, 
 
 Whilst snorts, his couch beside, mghi's star dish mare 
 
 Or, oh ! if Sickness 'tis, that bids us wake ; 
 If fevers scorch us or if agues s-hake ; 
 
 If pain forbids our wearied ej^es to close, 
 'Tis by thy trembhng gleam, some gentle friend, 
 Wife, parent, sister, shall our wants attend. 
 
 And try if tender care can charm our woes : 
 
 For Sleep so timid, to return would dread, 
 Though press'd by Art, or Nature to a bed, 
 
 Round which a prouder beam were seen to shiuft ; 
 For Sleep, that even shuns the light of day. 
 Ne'er fears to trust himself beside a ray 
 
 So luiassuming, and so weak as thine : 
 
 But most when those whom Vjest ou earth we've lov'd. 
 In dreams return, by death tho' late rcmov'd ;
 
 172 EPIGUAMSj &C. 
 
 When start we from our beds by Frenzy driven ; 
 When in our breasts 'tis wild confusion all. 
 Oh for thine aid our senses to recall. 
 
 And help us to endure the will of Heaven ! 
 
 Then shall not thee th' impartial Muse commend 
 Tor such deserts ? Yes, little liideous friend. 
 
 She shall nor this shall be thy smallest praise. 
 That (entre nous) I'd rather catch a sight 
 One sight of Celia's charms ])y thy dim light. 
 
 Than fifty by ten thousand torches blaze. 
 
 41. 
 
 PRA.YER FOR MY ENEMIts 
 
 A woiiTHY soul 'tis true thou art, 
 Stern Sorrow ! and, to mend a heart 
 
 There nt'cr was one like thee al)le- 
 And yet, (excuse me), on the whole, 
 Like many another worthy soul, 
 
 'I'hou 'rt dev'lish disasrceable :
 
 EPIGRAMS, &C. 17S 
 
 Yet still, that thou 'rt man's truest friend. 
 And blessings (tho' disguis'd) dost send. 
 
 No Christian e'er denies : 
 But Christian-like, I pray, grim power ! 
 Thou 'It not on me those blessings shower. 
 
 But on my enemies. 
 
 42. 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Peg has had children (rumours run). 
 But Peg maintains she ne'er had one ; 
 And let me tell you. Peg says true. 
 For Peg, both times she squeak'd, had two
 
 174 EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 43. 
 
 A iJird ia iiand wortli i:cn in the bush 
 
 Some folks younii Strcplion mayn't aj)prove. 
 But Chloe votes him wondrous pleasant: 
 
 What charms hath he her heart to move ? 
 
 What charms hath he ? Why, lord! he's present. 
 
 44. 
 
 ro A CHEEKING WHEEL. 
 
 ZouNus ! what a sijueaklng; thou keep'st makinc,'- ! 
 Oh how my ears, vile xihecl ' are achinj>- ! 
 
 What crimes oC theirs such panics could merit ? 
 Mv comrades too so I'mne and !ril, 
 \ay, e'en sweet (^-i.iA '- in ;. pet - 
 
 An(l yel, hy hcuvtns! 1 like thy spirit.
 
 EPIGRAMS, &C. 175 
 
 Thou know'st this world too, sir, I see ; 
 Let our sweet selves at ease but be. 
 
 And much we care about our neighbours ! 
 Thus that poor horse may sweat and strain ; 
 But, as he 's dumb and can't complain, 
 
 Who thinks about his stripes and labours ? 
 
 And so thy screechings thou 'dst have spar'd ; 
 Who for thy grinding griefs had car'd ? 
 
 Thy fiery throbs, thy thirst so raging ? 
 But as thou still that hellish squall 
 Canst sport kind souls ! we're anxious all 
 
 Thine ills to set about assuaging : 
 
 And, not ungrateful for our aid. 
 When those same ills are once allay'd. 
 
 Content and quiet on thou 'It rumble : 
 How different from man's thankless kind ! 
 The better treatment 'tis thex/ find, 
 
 The more, by Geoi'ge, they growl and grumble.
 
 176 EPIGRAMS^ &C. 
 
 45. 
 
 ON HEARING AN ]I,L-TF.MPF,RED LADY SAY THAT LOVE 
 WAS BLIND. 
 
 And so, thou Lovers hop'st to find, 
 Because the God of Love is blind ? 
 But oh ! he al o deaf must he, 
 Before he 'II duie to lea^re with thee. 
 
 4G. 
 
 rilE ULLINC; PASSION. 
 
 Kati: to old Niek 's afraid of j^oiuo-, 
 And sort; n penis lier |)ranks sti frail ; 
 
 But iind>- s(.nie cointort too from knowing- 
 That old ^iick 's certainly a male.
 
 EPIGRAMS, &C. 177 
 
 47. 
 
 " Belle has ta^en back her heart in a whimsical mood, 
 Tho' our oaths interchanged should, methiuks, have 
 forbad it ;" 
 
 " Then take back your own, like a man ;" " So I would. 
 But alas ! the sweet soul (entre nous) never had it." 
 
 48. 
 
 What prove John's dear friend of all coxcombs the 
 
 worst ? 
 Ere let you so prove him, John's heart-strings would 
 
 burst ; 
 But so dearly John doats on a little dispute, 
 That you can't please him more than 6y trying to do 't.
 
 178 EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 49. 
 
 STAY, my little Lambkin, stay 
 Nay, wherefore scamper'st thus away ? 
 
 1 nought intended, by my soul, 
 Save just to scratch thy silken poll ; 
 
 But thou, poor fool I with frii^ht dost pant 
 
 As tho' to cut thy throat I meant ; 
 
 Faith, thou 'st already got, I find, 
 
 A siueet opinion of mankind : 
 
 Yet, dread not, tenderest ! dread not me, 
 
 I love thy playful pranks to see ; 
 
 Thy guileless youth ,-hall be thy guard, 
 
 Then ah ! those froward fears discard, 
 
 Nor shun my handlings, prettiest pet ! 
 
 By heavens, I will not eat thee yet '
 
 EFIGRAMS, &C. 119 
 
 50. 
 
 (From the Frencli.) 
 
 Booze, the greatest of topers beyond all dispute. 
 Had a terrible thirst, and a fever to boot ; 
 Quoth his doctor " Hippocrates says you should ever 
 First get rid of the thirst, then apply to the fever :" 
 " He's a fool," cried old Booze, " cure the fever the Jirst, 
 And leave me, dear Doctor, to manage the thirst.'' 
 
 51. 
 
 ON BEING ASKED FOR VERSES. 
 
 Say wliy oh why, of all the throng 
 Thy youthful heart that seek to move 
 
 Of me alone thou ask'st a song, 
 A tender strain, my love to prove '
 
 180 EPIGRAMS, &C. 
 
 Ah me ! the mandate rash recall ; 
 
 Some other proof, dear Maid ! reqiiire- 
 My little wealth demand it all. 
 
 Or bid me at thy ftet expire : 
 
 By tasks like thesr our passions prove, 
 So shalt thou see nie all exec ' ; 
 
 All all may better sing tht ir iovt, 
 But none can love thee half so well. 
 
 52. 
 
 Fixed to the collar of a Dog belonging to a young Lady, 
 who wished for an inscription, which would make 
 people bring him back, in case he should be lost. 
 
 My black phiz fair Eliza delights ni caressing ; 
 Lead me home can 1 live should 1 h)-v such a blessing ' 
 Lead me home, happy man I and Til load you with bli.ss: 
 Here's my paw, I'll make o'er t' ye Eliza's first kiss '
 
 EPIGRAMS^ &C. 181 
 
 oi>. 
 
 PUT IN THE MOLTH OF A PUNCH BROUGHT AS A PRESENT 
 TO A YOUNG LADY FROM FAIR. 
 
 Ye pretty beaux that scorn my phiz, 
 
 For your's I woulfl not change, I swear : 
 
 For now my privilege it is 
 
 To rove, you see, from fair to fair.
 
 C O N T E S jD E S F O U S, 
 
 PART II.
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 aU tlir deiJtntl). 
 
 Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell ! 
 I took thee for thy )>etters Take thy fortune. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 X>Y all those lucky rogues that sit ahove, 
 Where each in sparkling nectar toasts his love, 
 
 And eke by those less comfortably posted. 
 Who squat below, poor smoke-dried elves. 
 With gloomy Dis, and are themselves 
 
 In >parkliug brimstone toasted 
 Say, wherefore does yon curly-pated lout 
 
 So rave and roar, and storm and bellow. 
 And dance and prance that shop about ? 
 
 Nay, "lis enough to make him prance, j)oor fellow ! 
 For Lord knows how long you must know, this youth 
 
 Could scarcely once lie down to take a snore, 
 Eut a stern spectre of an aching tooth 
 
 Close at his ear would cry, '' HodgCj sleep no more !'
 
 186 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 How Hodge was anxious to grow fat and jjortly. 
 
 And judg'd, (and faith I think the rogue judg'd right; 
 To work all day, and wake and weep all niglit. 
 
 Was not the way to do so shortly : 
 
 Hodge bless' d the tooth but, what was to be done r 
 It might indeed from out the land be rooted; 
 
 But Hodge not long before had tried that fun, * 
 And found it not quite to his fancy suited. 
 
 For Hodge, (a little secret to impart) 
 
 Tho' stout of body, had a faintish heart ; 
 
 * A celebrated Oriental Traveller, in the true style ol 
 Oriental nioralization, complains, that in the whole course 
 of his eventful exi>tencc, he lias fomid only three things 
 thoroughly coming up to his pre-conceived ideas a storm 
 at sea, I think was one ; an elephant (with a castle on his 
 back of course) another ; and the Peak of Teneriffe, the 
 third 1 cannot help deducing, and indeed hoping, that he 
 had never, like honest Hodge, experimented what it is to 
 have a tooth drawn ; otherwise 1 should be obliged to set 
 him down as a gentleman given to being rather unreasonable 
 in his expectations.
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 187 
 
 But nef^ds must when a certain person drives : 
 
 So off Hodge stumps it to the neighbouring town. 
 In safety at that very shop arrives 
 
 And, in that old arm-chair sits trembhng down : 
 The doctor enter'd and Hodge stretch'd his jaws 
 
 Wide as the jaws, which sinful Jonas swallow d 
 In cramm'd the Doctor both his dirty paws. 
 
 And soon his instrument of torture follow'd : 
 
 Perhaps ere now you 've had the luck to feel 
 A twitch from that same instrument of steel ; 
 
 But what "s a twitch ? mere plav, a tickling jerk; 
 
 But this, so obstinate the dog, was work : 
 Thrice round the shop was Hodge blaspheming whirl'd. 
 
 And, tho' to you the shop may seem but small. 
 
 To Ilougc these jaunts seem'd longer each than all 
 Cooke's voyages round the world 
 
 But (heav'n be prais'd !) the rogue 's at length ejected ! 
 And now the Doctor, who but he so clever ? 
 The jaw indeed kept aching worse than ever ! 
 
 But that of course at jirst must be expected 
 So 1 lodge without remorse the fee paid down, 
 Tho' "tua< a ^ood round sum a v/hole half-crown.
 
 iS8 CONTES DES FOLS. 
 
 \o\v Hodge, triumphant, to stalk home prepares 
 But, 'tis a rule with heroes all, you know. 
 Over the carcase of a fallen foe 
 
 To crow, and give themselves prodigious airs ; 
 And so had Hodge, but, in the ha^in spying. 
 He saw a milk-white harmless grmder lymg 
 
 Whilst his inquiring tongue, ye powers ! reveal'd 
 
 His foe untouch'd, and mastei' of the field ! 
 
 Now this, you '11 grant, had rous'd a Saint to fury 
 Made (juakerish Job himself look somewhat blue. 
 And swear, perchance, a little oath or two; 
 
 And Hodge was not bel, ad-hand, 1 assure you : 
 
 His rage at first for utterance was too big. 
 But out it burst at last with " Here s a rig f 
 Well, dang thee, Doctor, if thee ben't a rum one 
 And, so you thought with that c-rst claw to hum one 
 Out of one 's cash and tooth, poor soul ! so sound r 
 Dash'd if I'd sell thee his i'ellow for five pound; 
 So back my cash, and hack my grmder stick in. 
 Or hearkee, but 111 lend thee such a licking."
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 189 
 
 The doctor look'd (I own it) rather foolish, 
 Tried every scheme his fury for appeasing ; 
 
 But Hodge continued obstinate and muhsh. 
 And could'nt any how be brought to reason : 
 For Hodge (between ourselves) had oft heard tell 
 How chimney-sweepers black, their white teeth sell. 
 And, therefore, for friend Hodge ('twas 'cutish) thought 
 That white teeth might as cheap be stoVn as bought 
 " So back my money and my tooth," he halloos ; 
 " Or else prepare that's all to take what follows :" 
 " Your tooth and money back ? nay, now you jest. 
 
 For that cant be ; but come, man, let 's part friends ; 
 
 Give us your hand I '11 make you rare amends :" 
 "Amends ?" roar'd Hodge "Aye, handsome I protest," 
 " But what amends (deuce take you !) can you make '" 
 " Why, as I own ive 've made a small mistake 
 With this here tooth pop down, and in a trice 
 I '11 twist out t'other for you at half-price !
 
 190 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 "Eale rt)e 'Etnelftl). 
 
 APOLOGLT. SUBLIMF.I.V MOUAl, 
 
 Oh ct Hen nunquam intcrcipiuritnr. 
 
 J'Uon Grcinmiit 
 
 O Man ! never sigh or for splendour or riches ; 
 'Tis thus that tlie sage Ah Prosahit preaches ; 
 For iho' 1-ortunc should duh thee both wealthy and great. 
 More tlian mortals ere had send thee riches and state 
 E'en whil.-t thousands thy glories v ere wistfully eyeing, 
 Attliat moment, when most they with envy were dying, 
 "Tis a hundred to one (adds this very wise wizzard) 
 But some trifle might force thee to growl in tliy gi/zard ; 
 
 The great king of kings, mighty Saj)or the glorious, 
 Heturn'd with j)roud (';esar his pris'ner, victorious; 
 So resolv'd to amaze the wise folks (,)f the East, 
 r>y invitmg them ail to an elegant feast ;
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 191 
 
 In plain Persian which meant, as the learned declare. 
 That himself was to feast, and his gaiests were to stare ; 
 And to make it more gay, he most kindly ordains. 
 That his captive shall serve him as butler, in chains ; 
 Whilst his lovely queen Kisme, in beauty's full pride, 
 Shall sit in her very best clothes by his side. 
 
 Say, on earth was a couple so happy e'er seen 
 
 As King Sapor the great, and his beautiful Queen ? 
 
 Their robes, globes, crowns, sceptres, ear nose-rings, 
 
 behold 
 How they sparkle with diamonds, and glisten with gold ! 
 How luxurious their fare ! how imposing their state ! 
 What heaps of rare dainties ! what loads of fine plate ! 
 And 'twas Cttsar himself, who presented the cup 
 Humbly kneeling whereon bold King Sapor jump'd up, 
 And, whilst Caesar bow'd low, (saith the author I quote) 
 Sapor manfully clapp'd his right foot on his throat 
 And all shouted, whene'er this achievement was seen, 
 " Happy happy King Sapor, and happy his Queen I'' 
 
 Then musicians by hundreds struck up their fine notes. 
 And Signors and Signoras all open'<l their throat- ;
 
 192 
 
 COXTES DES FOUS. 
 
 Tiicre were all sorts of instnifntnts dulcimer, liite>,. 
 
 Harps, organs, pianos, sopranos, and flutes ; 
 
 With the grunting- bassoon, and the shrill fife and tabor; 
 
 And all played and sung anthems in praise of King Sapor; 
 
 And the people all shouted each anthem between, 
 
 ' Happy happy King Sapor, and happy his Queen I" 
 
 Then the walls fell around, and a garden appcar'd, 
 A garden enchanted, like that in Blue Beard ; 
 Where tumblers, and wrestlers, and dancers contended, 
 And sky-rockets brilliant to Heaven ascended ; 
 And the crackers * so bounc'd, and the bonfires so blaz'd, 
 And a thousand devices in firework were raisM, 
 Where in lamjis of all colours this sentence was seen 
 " Happy happy King Sapor, and happy his Queen !" 
 
 * Here 1 am, geutlc Reader cast once more upon youi 
 mercy ; in a dilemma, which, to own the triitii, 1 have long 
 been looking forward to with inconceivable apprehension ; 
 since 1 can hardly dare to entertain a hope, but that some 
 learned commentator or other will seize tiie opportunity ol 
 inunortaliziiig Ills (or Iter) acuteness, by questioning whetlun 
 crackers, or fift: j and tabors either, could possibly have liecn
 
 CONTES DRS FOUS. 193 
 
 .ind, were they not happy ? nay, were they not blest ? 
 Of more than ambition could fancy, possest ; 
 Was there ever a day so delightfully spent 
 And how could they choose but be full of content r 
 
 in fashion in the days of King Sapor. Now, with regard to 
 the former objection, there would be no such mighty mis- 
 chief done ; but the latter, if substantiated, would be ruin 
 irretrievable, since / question, whether there ever was, or 
 ever will be, invented a musical instrument, the name whereof 
 rliymes to Sapor with such exquisite felicity, as does this 
 same reprobated fife and tabor. If, however, any good- 
 natured critic one, for instance, of our Reviewers, (who are 
 happily now so numerous, that if Jemmy Boswell had been 
 still alive, he would have been fain to define Man as a 
 reviewing animal, rather than as a cooking animal) should 
 like for once to try his hand at remedying a fault, as well as 
 at finding it out ; I undertake, upon his forwarding to me 
 such a rhyme, to alter both the erroneous passages at my 
 own expence ; always providing, that unless the said rhyme 
 shall arrive (carriage paid) within six months from the jiresent 
 day, my admission, that tlicse two passages are erroneous, 
 shall be null, void, of no effect, and the same as if it never 
 had been made.
 
 194 CONTES DES lOUS. 
 
 They full of content. Sir r poor devils ! not they 
 In their lives they ne'er pass'd such a bore of a day ! 
 Such a day, they 'd have given their ears to abridge it; 
 For the King was in tortures the Queen in a fidget ; 
 And tho' gracious he look'd, he did nothing but fret. 
 And the Queen, tho' all smiles, she was all ni a ])et : 
 
 Oh say, what dread cause could Ins triumph destroy r 
 Say, what could embitter his gentle Queen's joy ? 
 What evil tremendous disturb'd their delight ? 
 ^Twas the INIonarcii's jievc shoes were a little too tight ' 
 And as for his Queen's sacred Majesty she 
 Was tormented all day by a rascal/j/ Jiea '
 
 CONTES DES FOLS. 195 
 
 ^ate t^e ^^itutntf). 
 
 I'AUENTAL TENDERNESS. 
 
 Quod petis hie est. 
 
 Some Parents have a silly rule. 
 
 If e'er their Children play the fool. 
 
 To put on looks most melancholy ; 
 But others deem it more discreet 
 With fortitude th' affair to meet. 
 
 And turn a penny by their folly : 
 
 These last, I guess, instruction draw 
 From honest Juno in the straw, 
 
 Who licks and fondles every pup ; 
 But if these pups think fit to die. 
 She scorns to whimper, whine and cry, 
 
 But (prudent housewife !) eats them up.
 
 196 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 Wake, lazy Muse ! and strive to paint 
 Great Doctor Dash, that first-rate Saint ! 
 
 A certain town in Suffolk's boast ; 
 Awful to hear, and eke to view. 
 The Rector and the Justice too. 
 
 Throughout this town he rul'd the roast : 
 
 He tended all with past'ral care, 
 
 Ax\(\ fleeced them too which was but fair; 
 
 For were not all his own dear sheep ? 
 And, sure enough, he oft had stood 
 Waking and sweating for their good, 
 
 W^hilst they, poor things, were fast asleep 
 
 As Parson, foe to every vice. 
 But most to dirty avarice ; 
 
 In all (save in himself) was he; 
 As Justice, lord ! how he would make 
 All rogues of ale-house keepers quake ! 
 
 That is make all, save tivo or three ! 
 
 O Satan ! Satan ! we 've been told 
 That thou art ugly, black, and old.
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 19' 
 
 Hast tail, and horns : it may be so 
 But, spite of all that folks can say. 
 Thou 'st sometimes such a iviiining way, 
 
 That few thy sviit can answer, No : 
 
 And tho' sometimes a furious wig'ht 
 Scolds thee in language unpolite. 
 
 And seems to spurn thine ofters kind; 
 Yet thou, good soul ! ne'er sulk'st a bit. 
 But only more exert'st thy wit. 
 
 To pick a tid bit to his mind : 
 
 Thou 'dst clap, in days of yore, 'tis said. 
 In surly old St. Dunstan's bed, 
 
 A damsel, luscious, plump, and fresh ! 
 Those ancient Saints were liq'rish friars ; 
 But more our modern Saints' desires 
 
 Run on the spirit than the Jicsh : 
 
 And so, because he lov'd a sneaker 
 
 Of something warm, than water weaker ;
 
 198 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 Thou 'dst still be popping in his way 
 A little smuiigled /ceg or tv:o, 
 For which he hardly less could do 
 
 Than spare thy friends on licence-day. 
 
 His oiily daughter here my INIuse 
 
 Her charms to chaunt could scarce retiise. 
 
 Had she one charm had to her back ; 
 In verse we still may safely swear 
 She was " a maiden passing fair" 
 
 In prose, a maiden not (juite black : 
 
 Her age ? She'd reach'd that blissful time 
 When virgins may without a crime 
 
 Sans cha])'rone to a ball or play go : 
 Her temper r Fair, but not complete. 
 That is, abroad as manna sweet ; 
 
 At Jiome, a bit of a virago : 
 
 Her health ? Sweet Sir, feci no alarms; 
 'Twas good but, now and tlien she 'd qualms
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 199 
 
 Which made her still for something sigh ; 
 But, though she to discern was able. 
 She wanted sometJiingcoinfortable ; 
 
 She knew not what no more do I : 
 
 A spouse ? Alas ! the rogues^ uncivil. 
 Would just as soon have wed the devil ; 
 
 True but, quoth Satan, " Where's the sin. 
 If just to keep you warm, you'd try 
 Quite snugly " (Mr. Satan, fie !) 
 
 " A little tiny sup of gin /" 
 
 " Oh trusty Betty ! faithful maid ! 
 
 Thy cropsick mistress craves thine aid- 
 There is a shop in Ginger-lane 
 
 In some 5/j/ place this tea-pot hide. 
 
 Then with it thro' the back-door slide 
 These blushes must the rest explain :-
 
 J'^^OO CONTES DES FOLS. 
 
 The conscious stars th' exploit do view. 
 So doth the crafty Doctor too ; 
 
 And now behind the door he slips so 
 Pat, that when Betty homewards stole. 
 Her tea-pot in her pocket-hole. 
 
 Poor wench ! he caught her plump in ipso. 
 
 " Come, madam, please to shew me what 
 Beneath that petticoat you 've got, 
 
 I'll see 't I will, you hussey cunning j" 
 " You sec," said Betty, simpering, " v:hat 
 Beneath my petticoat I've i^ot, 
 
 O lud ! your reverence, you be tunning." 
 
 ' I fun I But come, what have you there r 
 Gin I filth}' hoUands I declare 
 
 Nay, don't pretend to whine and wheedle 
 How dar'd you play this naughty trick ? 
 Why, if you did not fear Old Nick, 
 
 You might AT LKAST have fear'd the beadle. 
 
 When in her ears the beadle sounded. 
 Poor Betty thoft she should have sxcoiinded ;
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 201 
 
 The truth she could no longer hide well ; 
 Much love she on her Mistress lavish'd. 
 For her would have been hang'd, drown'd, ravish' d; 
 
 Been any thing but sent to Bridewell. 
 
 Amazement huge the Doctor choak'd, 
 
 (The truth long since, I grant he 'd smok'd) ; 
 
 Crack'd Hamlet's fright was not so big ; 
 For Hamlet's ringlets only rose 
 From off \i\^ pate now up jump'd those 
 
 Soft locks which form'd the Doctor's ivis: ' 
 
 " And, is it thus, unhappy man !" 
 In strains pathetic he began : 
 
 " Break break my heart, alas ! too tough ! 
 To have one's daughter take to drinking ! 
 And this for hollands ! to my thinking 
 
 Good jalap 's better than such stuff! 
 
 " What might they charge this pot for filling ?" 
 ' They charg'd, your reverence, just two shilling:"
 
 '202 CONTES DES FOUS, 
 
 " Ah nie ! what lost sheep tlicy must be ! 
 And is 't, degenerate daughter ! thus 
 (Didst thou not fear a fatlier's curse ?) 
 
 Thou spend'st Aunt Deborah's legacy ? 
 
 " Jlut, as 'tis sinful to complain. 
 And tlicyU not lake their gin (i^ain, 
 
 So, of what 's past don't say a word 
 With shuiHc, poor soul ! she'd be so wrung, 
 And then, poor soul ! she 's got a tongue ! 
 
 Which you and I have sometimes heard ! 
 
 Yet, if she still persists in sin, 
 
 And still keeps sending you for gin 
 
 Act like a girl of worth and sense ; 
 Steal forth no more to that vile shop, 
 At home with her tivn .shillings stop, 
 
 / '// Jill youf pot Jar eighteen pence ''"
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 203 
 
 '^z\t t!)e jFoncteentl^. 
 
 THE THREE AND THE DOCTOU. 
 
 Quo tendis inertem 
 O periture fugam heu nescis, heu peidite nescis 
 
 Hostes incurris dum fuges hostem, 
 
 Incidis in Scyllam cupiens vitare Charybdin. 
 
 One story more, and then adieu 
 
 But have you made your wills ? what no ! 
 About it ere we farther go. 
 
 And then just say a pray'r or two : 
 
 * If the Reader will confess, which he need not be so 
 much ashamed of doing, as he does not, 1 presume, set up to 
 be more knowing than Erasmus, wlio confesses that he knew 
 nothing of the matter ; if he will honestly confess that he is 
 utterly and deplorably ignorant as to the birth, parentage, 
 md education of these four lines (although he probably has
 
 204 contes des Fotjs. 
 
 But Avhy this preparation ? Zooks ! 
 Are then so very pale my looks ? 
 
 not scrupled to quote the fourth, at least five hundred times 
 notwithstanding) and that lie is grievously tormented with 
 curiosity to be informed, I may perhaps take pity upon him, 
 and say, that the Author in a MS. note says that Mr. An- 
 drews, in his book of Anecdotes, says that Galleotus Martius 
 de Narni, in his Treatise de Doctrina Promiscua, says that 
 Gualterus Gallus says or sings tliem in a stupid Poem de 
 Eebus Gestis Alexandri Magni ; but if he (the Reader) 
 should think to pose me, (which would be but an ungrateful 
 trick, considering how much w iser I have ah-eady made him, 
 and how few airs 1 have given myself upon my erudition), 
 by going on, and requiring me to explain, who these two 
 last-named gentlemen may have had the honour to have 
 been I could easily slip out of the scrape by reminding 
 him, that I am only an hmnble Editor, and not a learned 
 Commentator Davus sum, non O-idipus 1 however scorn 
 so sneaking a proceeding, being tlioroughly prepared to 
 satisfy him witli a reply which has often satisfied a Queen ; 
 and therefore, (as King James was so condescending as to 
 say of tlie satisfaction of a comfortable scratch) is almost too 
 good to be wasted on a subject; " Madam," (as I am sure
 
 CONTES DES FOLS. 205 
 
 Pule no, they 're bloomin;^ ; but, alack ! 
 Or well or ill, I deem it fit 
 Just to prepare you all a bit, 
 
 Before I introduce a Quack. 
 
 And thou, sweet Celia ! maiden dear, 
 Whose image bright my bosom fills ! 
 
 Oh deign my Quack's mishaps to hear, 
 And deign, too, nut to take his pills ; 
 
 And, if those lips he once can teach to smile 
 For thee one dull Jive minutes can beguile ; 
 
 Why, then for his reward he may, 
 ]'y any weapon that he will, 
 V>\ pestle, potion, pipe, or pill, 
 
 \ tlozen of my Readers ilav. 
 
 no Ladv wuukl be so ill-bred :i-i to ask so bothfriiig a (jUti- 
 lion), in our rase it niiisl hv, " Sni ^\\A\ I tt II you wijut 
 I am going to Sav ? [ do not positively kuo'.v ; but, as ueur 
 a-> 1 cai) guesi. I eau't [irecitelv leil, ;ve."
 
 206 
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 Our Doctor ii:as a Quack indeed. 
 But ah ! the gentlest of his breed ; 
 
 For, o'er his victims he could sigh 
 With such a sj'^mpathetic air. 
 That, 'faith, he really serni'd to care 
 
 Whether they chanc'd to live or dip : 
 
 And when their slaughter he directed. 
 Ne'er 3/ozi do this or tliat, said he ; 
 
 Eut, for his simpering lips selected 
 That soft, consoling pronoun, trr ; 
 
 For which sonic folks accounted thus 
 That, sure no patient could complain 
 If he, who kindly sliar'd \\\?, pain, 
 
 Should eke make free to share \\\i purse. 
 
 But come, bring in, our tale to vary, 
 A regular Apothecary ; 
 
 A sober, stupid, staunch blood-letter 
 Just two miles ofl" his mortar stood ; 
 With evil cijc our (^uack lie view'd, 
 
 His Lady view'd him with a better
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. S07 
 
 Not that I'd have you think his spouse- 
 Intended to adovn his brows ; 
 
 But there's /ta!f-and-half tendresse. 
 Which certain doctors can express. 
 And evny female in good part takes ; 
 He sighs hut how should she discove 
 Whether as doctor or as lover. 
 Because her stomach, or his heart aches . 
 
 He- oglc'', but he hopes to trace 
 Si'.nc shght amenchnent in her face , 
 Her hand he squeezes, but his zeal 
 Leads him, once more her pulse to feel . 
 
 On questions, la ! so odd lie '11 stumi)le ; 
 But then so unxiaus, and so Itumble 
 
 'Tis tilts, kind Reader, as I guess. 
 Makes \\'omen, weak beyond compare^ 
 
 Better, (as Men themselves conre.-s) 
 Than Men robust, sad sickness bear. 
 
 But, to t:e doctor'd by her hubby, 
 Lord I what a dismal situation I 
 
 Not e'en a shop-boy, fresh and chubby^ 
 To lend a little consolation.
 
 !l08 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 She might indeed have nasty stuft', 
 But, order'd with a voice so j^rufT, 
 
 Where was the fun in being- sick r 
 Her neighbour uos not such a bear, 
 But, if her husband caught hitn there. 
 
 As sure as fate, his breech lie 'd kick, 
 
 ********** 
 
 " I come to see her, and by stealth r'' 
 True but a fellow-creature's health 
 Think what a juoiinc^ note she sent 
 Nay, if thou 'st bowels, thou 'It relent ; 
 
 And then reflect upon the glory, 
 Under his nose, in his own house, 
 To drench a brother Doctor's spouse. 
 
 Egad I 'twill make a noble story ! 
 
 Sow 'cross the fields behold him striding 
 Topping the thistles with his cane ; 
 
 And o't-r the li'-dge behind him riding, 
 St V ?*i;idam's Ilu.-band in the lane :
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 209 
 
 " What ! can I never mount my horse 
 But this vile Quack my path must cross ? 
 
 And towards m\^ beat \\\% pasterns bend too ; 
 I've half a miiul to watch and see 
 Who can so d-mn'd a blockhead be 
 
 As such a murd'rous dog to send to : 
 
 rie stops ! before my house I swear ; 
 
 Thank Fate ! he 's gut no business there - 
 I'm not at home, good Mr. Q,uack 
 By heavens ! he steals round to the back 
 
 The door he opes sneaks in odds bobs ! 
 
 I'll lay five pounds my house he robs ! 
 
 'Twas lucky I came back to watch him 
 I'll steal round t' other way and catch him ; 
 
 And, let me nail you, sir and c-rse ye 
 (Not out of malice heaven forbid !) 
 But of a pest the world to rid. 
 
 You dog I'll hang you vi\\.\\uut mercy I
 
 210 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 But, where the deuce can lie be got ? 
 
 AVhy, zounds ! he 's in my wife's own room ! 
 
 Aye watch'd her out too, I presume 
 Wei], now I think you 're fairly caught ! 
 
 His eye now to the key-hole fitting, 
 
 He'll ]ieep (before he '11 jiouiire) to .s-cc 
 A littlt' simple felony ; 
 
 And, 'faith, the scheme was not ill plann'd ; 
 But heavens and earth ! the rascal's sitting 
 
 Dandling my Lady by the hand ! 
 
 The curtains clos'd, the room half dark. 
 It has an ugly look liut hark ! 
 i\ay, [irytb.ee don't thyself alarm 
 Look in his face, he means no harm 
 
 'Tuas but a phrase he merely said 
 " And now lie '11 take aye, so uc will. 
 Our little comfortable ])ill, 
 
 And then tie '11 pup so snug to bed !" 
 
 Here frantic forth the Husband broke- 
 What words unmcdical he spoke.
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 211 
 
 My gentle Muse is loth to tell ; 
 What meggots crawl' d about his head ! 
 " You pop," roar'd he, " so snug to bed 
 
 You 'd safer pop to Hell ! 
 
 " So, whilst I'm thro' the country roving, 
 In contest fair with death to wrestle ; 
 
 You must be sneaking here to shove in 
 Your c-rsed interloping pestle ; 
 
 I'll teach you how to play, (odds life !) 
 
 Your d d Quack's gambols with my wife I" 
 
 **-K- ******* 
 
 Ten steps at once now ten steps more 
 Why, man ! you'll be to pieces dash'd 
 
 And yet, I grant you 'tis a bore 
 Before a lady to be thrash'd. 
 
 Who could have thought a swain so fat 
 Could travel at a rate like that ?
 
 212 
 
 CONTES DES FOUS, 
 
 But sec a gate on tliy right hand 
 iSay nay, ne'er shilly-s^hally stand ; 
 'Tis the wrono;- way but never mind, 
 For hark ! the horse-whip ^s close 1;eliind I 
 
 O'er held, and field, and field he flies, 
 Nor once behind him turns his eyes. 
 
 For pray what good could i.ookint, do ? 
 lie HKARs his Ibe upon him gaining, 
 Whilst he, poor soul ! for want of training, 
 
 Begins to puJF and sweat a feiv 
 
 His stout heart thumps, his bowels yearn 
 It MAY succeed he '11 stop and turn 
 
 Aye tiu'n, and dash against him full: 
 What vain alarms one sometimes feels ! 
 lie spies no I vshanJ at his heels 
 
 But merely a huge furious bull ! 
 
 Sir Bull too stopp'd- a little squar'd 
 Secundum artem then pre|)ar'd
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 213 
 
 Plump for his rear a salutation : 
 But he once more, much disapproving^ 
 
 That vile new-fangled vaccination, 
 March'd otlj in double quick time moving. 
 
 Oh hone a rie, oh hone a rie. 
 Fly, gentle Doctor, faster fly 
 
 Seest thou yon single stately tree. 
 To th' ground whose nether branches fall close ^ 
 
 Climb climb, dear friend, or I'd not be 
 For sixpence in thy small-clothes. 
 
 Now, half way up his way he makes, 
 
 Groaning and grunting beyond measure ; 
 
 Below the Bull his station takes. 
 
 With purpose firm t' await his pleasure. 
 
 This Bull, who caus'd our last disaster, 
 Was of this field sole lord and master ; 
 And, should or man or beast attack it. 
 Had ta'en an oath to dress his jacket ;
 
 214 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 A selfish fellow you may name him. 
 The field, I own, for ten was ample ; 
 
 He 'd keep it all, but don't let's blame him, 
 His betters set him the example. 
 
 But, there's no rule without exception, 
 So give not all this harsh reception 
 
 Poor Mungo there (a simple elf, 
 
 Almost as bnitiiih as thyself. 
 Only he '* nvo legs, thou hay( four) 
 
 On purpose rose this morn to lave 
 
 His jetty carcase in the wave. 
 That bounds thy consecrated shore. 
 
 Be not of water cheap so stingy. 
 He is not drinking, only splashing; 
 
 His skin, I grant, i^ somewhat dingy. 
 But so much more it wants a washing
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 215 
 
 Splash on, poor Mungo, Heaven defend thee ! 
 He'll scarcely wet himself to rend thee; 
 " Aye, but," quoth Mungo, " what rare fun 
 
 If for five minutes me could land. 
 Just for to baskee in de sun. 
 
 Under dat bankee dere of sand !" 
 
 Do as you please but mind, I warn you. 
 As sure as eggs are eggs, he '11 horn you ; 
 
 How ccm mankind be so perverse ? 
 I do believe [ivithout a puff) 
 This world would jog on well enough. 
 
 If all would read and mind my verse. 
 
 Scarce was poor Mungo fairly seated. 
 When old Don Bull so surly spy'd him ; 
 With no intention kind he ey'd him : 
 
 Poor Mungo 'd gladly have retreated ; 
 
 But Bull still turn'd him from the river, 
 (Not neater from the walls of Troy 
 Achilles turn'd old Priam's boy) ; 
 
 And soon he'd whipp'd him thro' the liver
 
 216 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 (Without th' assistance of IMinerva), 
 Had not Friend Elackey chanc'd t' observe a 
 Kind, hospitable tree the same 
 To Avhich our Quack i' th' evening came. 
 
 Naked as when he first was caught, 
 (For he "d no sickly niceties. 
 About his elbows, shins, and knees), 
 
 Up to the tip-top bough he got: 
 
 There did poor INIungo sit and groan. 
 Sad, shiv'ring, silent, and alone, 
 
 To evening late from morrung eai ly ; 
 But now (tliinks he) we're /t^o, why we 
 May lighten our captivity. 
 
 Just with a little pleasant parky ; 
 And so he, without more ado. 
 Began with " Dockey, how d'ye do r" 
 
 " I heard a voice above a grufi" one 
 Now, if my heart was not a ti)ugh one,
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 21" 
 
 \\'ith fright I should be after dropping ; 
 What can it be ? to look I dread" 
 
 " A <Tho^t," " Lord ! how can you be popping' 
 Such thoughts into a body's head ?" 
 
 The evening clos'd, it dusl<ish grew, 
 And he 'd a murder done or two ; 
 King Dick was ne'er in such a taking; 
 
 He thought (ill ghosts bad company, 
 
 But least of all incliu'd was he 
 To meet with ghosts of his oiMn making. 
 
 " 'Twas fancy, 'twas a mere mistake 
 I did, indeed, a little quake ; 
 But now I've muster'd u[) a firm mind- 
 I will look up yes, I'm determin'd." 
 
 The nearest boughs he first survey'd. 
 He really was not iiiuch afraid ; 
 'I'hen higher higher still exjjlor'd. 
 At length he spy'd oh lord ! oh lord I-
 
 ^18 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 He 'd have compounded for a i:^host - 
 
 Pale ghosts. Lord ble<s them ! well he i.iiew 
 
 Would only .scare hi in, or at niobt 
 Play him a g/(7!icsojiic trick or two; 
 
 They 'd scorn to hurt a harmless Quack 
 But zounds, Sir! 'twas no joke lo ?ec 
 Plump o'er him, on the self-same tree, 
 
 Old Nick, in a full suit of black I 
 
 Fiirtli from their sockets march his eyes. 
 His curls in >uch stifV bri.-tles rise, 
 
 That if they but as far could i(-ach, 
 I verily believe his hat 
 flad found the branch where Mungo sal. 
 
 And smote hmi on his sooty breech. 
 
 What 's to l)e done r He "d trj/ to prav . 
 
 liut, Mhat the dickens .^il(Juld he say : 
 His ;jrief at len^^th he thus t;ave vent 
 '' Confound the haii" that for me sent
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 21i) 
 
 Oh cruel fate ! oh fortune evil ! 
 Thus to be poking in one's way 
 Three c-rs'd cornutos in one day 
 
 This Bull, that Doctor, and the Devil ! 
 
 But of thee evils, choose the least; 
 The Bull don't seem so threat a beast 
 
 rU down :" he tumbled, and alighted 
 Smack on the Bull, with such a clatter 
 
 That, in his turn, the brute affrighted 
 Thought heyday, what can be the matter ' 
 
 Whether to flee or fight he doubted 
 
 The Doctor bellou'd, Mungo shouted : 
 
 And 't has been said, (perhaps in joke) 
 
 A bottle, which he 'd in his poke. 
 
 With over-motion had fermented, 
 
 (I rather think that part 's invented) ; 
 
 But whether it was so or not. 
 
 It went of!^ bounce ! just like a shot, 
 
 And put the Bull in such a pother. 
 
 That he fled one way, and our Quack the other.
 
 220 
 
 CONTES DES FOUS. 
 
 Our Quack got home alive and well, 
 And still continues pills to sell ; 
 
 (So now, i>ood nig'lit to you, my hearties I) 
 And, much his neighbours are in doul)t. 
 Which from this world the most send out, 
 
 Our Doctor's pills, or Buonaparte's. 
 
 Mwy^ /yf/. 
 
 I. Krrtiill. I'riul.r, .Vr.i^lsall-Strei.t, 
 (;.;IJ>'ii-Si;uarr, rA)liiIoi).
 
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