Efl? 705 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 BY 
 
 THOMAS INGOLDSBY, ESQ. 
 
 AUTHOR OF "THE INGOLDSBY LEGENDS." 
 
 LONDON: 
 * G. ROUTLEDGE & CO. EARRINGDON STREET; 
 
 ;, NEW YOKE: 18, BEEKMAN STKEET. 
 
 1856. 
 
7*7 
 
 AVIS AU LECTEUR. 
 
 RESPECTED SIR or MADAM (IT. or M., 
 as the case may be), 
 
 In laying before you this little piece of family 
 biography, it does not escape me that to an " N. or M." 
 of your enlightened mind, a question may very naturally 
 arise wherefore should I Thomas Ingoldsby throughout 
 these memoirs, describe myself under the alias of Charles 
 Stafford 1 
 
 My dear Sir or Madam the fact is, that when, some 
 seven years since, this veracious narrative first appeared 
 in the pages of " Immortal Maga," a fly in amber, pre- 
 served only by the pellucid brilliance that surrounded it, 
 I had reasons, as plenty as blackberries, for preserving 
 a strict incognito. 
 
 Inter alia. Miss Kezia Ingoldsby, a lady who had a 
 redundancy of virtues, and 13,000 in the Three per 
 Cents Reduced, had not then shuffled off this mortal 
 coil. She loved green tea, and hated an author. The 
 bare idea of having such an animal in her own family 
 would have been to her murder and sudden death. 
 
 "Breathes there" a nephew "with soul so dead," 
 who, under such circumstances, would incur the guilt of 
 auntycide ] 
 
 I dared not take upon myself tho responsibility of 
 
IV AVIS AU LECTEUR. 
 
 massacring a maiden possessed of so much property in 
 the funds. 
 
 Aunt Kezia (" rest and bless her !") has since exchanged 
 her earthly employment of manufacturing amateur card- 
 racks, carpet-slippers, and urn-rugs, for that of renovating 
 an unmentionable portion of bachelor costume elsewhere. 
 
 Then why continue the alias ? 
 
 Why, the fact is, the alteration, now, would create a 
 good deal of trouble, besides, perhaps, inducing a suspicion 
 that there were no such persons in rerum natwrd as either 
 Mr. Stafford or Mr. Ingoldsby. 
 
 Indeed, " I happen to know," as poor Tom Hill used 
 to say, that there are sceptical individuals who, even 
 as matters stand, have not hesitated to aver that I have 
 quite as much right and title to the one name as to the 
 other. 
 
 Heed them not, gentlest of Epicines ! Believe me 
 when I assure you that wherever Charles Stafford is on 
 the scene, 
 
 " Mutato nomine de me, 
 Fabula narratur !" 
 
 And that I am, and ever shall be, 
 
 With the most profound, 
 
 And down to the very centre of, 
 
 Gravity, 
 Your most devoted, 
 
 THOMAS INGOLDSBY. 
 
 TAPPINGTON EVERARD, 
 March 20, 1841. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 OF MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. HIS BIRTH, PARENTAGE, AND EDUCATION. 
 SHOWING HOW HE CAME TO BE BORN, AND HOW I CAME TO BE 
 COUSIN TO MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. OF MY COUSIN'S FROLICS, AND 
 
 THEIR RESULT, Page 1. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 RECONCILIATION. AULD LANG SYNE. THE BLARNEY-STONE. RETURN 
 OF THE KILLED AND WOUNDED. "HARK ! MORB KNOCKING," 12. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 PENITENCE AND ITS FRUITS. THE MORE HASTE THE WORST SPEED. 
 THE HORSE AND HIS RIDER, 20. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 ( THE "BOAST OF HERALDRY." " THE PITCHER THAT GOES TOO OFTEN 
 TO THE WELL," ETC. A SCRAPE, AND A DEPARTURE, 29. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 THE MARCH OF INTELLECT. MUS.E BULWINKLIANJE. HOW SLEEP 
 THE BRAVE, 34. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 A LETTER. A JOURNEY. MUSIC HATH CHARMS. DUCKING AND 
 DODGING. rA,CHASE. THROWN OUT AT LAST. STOLEN AWAY, 40. 
 
 50 
 
VI CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 THE WAT-WOPcX TRAVELLER. THE MYSTERY DEVELOPED. GOOD 
 INTENTIONS. A HINT AND AN INVITATION. NOUS VERUONS, 52. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 KO NEWS NOT ALWAYS GOOD NEWS. TWO HEADS NOT ALWAYS 
 BETTER THAN ONE. A SEARCH. A DISAPPOINTMENT. OFF SHE 
 GOES. TALLY-HO 1 A CHASE. A DOUBLE. FAIRLY THROWN OUT, 
 60. 
 
 CHAPTER IX, 
 
 J10HB V1STERY.- AN ARRIVAL. AN AGREEABLE RENCONTRE. AN- 
 OTHER NOT SO AGREEABLE. SEEING IS NOT ALWAYS BELIEVING. 
 A "ROW." WESTWARD HO 1 LONG LOOKED FOR, POUND AT LAST, 
 6G. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 A "PRETTY PARTICULAR HANDSOME FIX. 1 'ASTONISHMENT. INDIG- 
 NATION. TWO LETTERS, AND ONE ANSWER, 87. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 A HASTY MAN. A SICK MAN. AN ANGRY MAN. AN OBSEQUIOUS 
 MAN. A LEARNED MAN. AND A PUZZLED MAN, 96, 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 CARDS, THE DEVH/S BOOKS. A RELAPSE. WHAT'S IN A NAME, 103. 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 A RIDE. A WALK. A SONG. -A CONVERSATION. A DBY ARGUMENT. 
 A WET CONCLUSION, 110. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 A BETCRN. AN INVALID. A SNUBBING. A CHANGE. A CALLING 
 IN. A C4LLING OUT, 131. 
 
CONTENTS. Ml 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 HOW SLEEP THE BRAVE ? AN APPOINTMENT. AN AFPAfE OF SENTI- 
 MENT. AN AFFAIR OF HONOUK. A STANDING 01'. A TUMBLING 
 DOWN, 152. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 "ENOUGH is AS GOOD AS A FEAST." A SUDDEN ILT^ESS. A SLOW 
 
 RECOVERY. "GETTING ONE'S GRUEL" METAPHORICALLY LITE- 
 RALLY. THERE 'fl LIFE IN A MUSCLE, 157. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 THE LIONS. SPURS AND SWORDS. SKULLS AND BONES. PRIDE IN A 
 PUNCH-BOWL. HISTORIC DOUBTS. AN EPITAPH. A PRIZE POEM, 
 163. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 CONSTERNATION. OBJURGATION. SEPARATION. VISITATION. PE- 
 REGRINATION. MEDITATION. EXPLANATION. RESTORATION, 
 DECLARATION, 174. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 AN INCOMING LANDLORD. AN OUT-GOING TENANT. MURDER AND 
 ARSON. THE UNKINDEST CUT OF ALL. AN ESCAPE " NOBODY 
 KNOWS HOW." A NURSE AND A NURSELING. BOYft AND GIRLS. 
 PHILOSOPHY AND MADNESS. A "LITTLE GO " FROM OXFORD TO 
 IIINDOSTAN. BATTLE, MURDER, AND SUDDEN DEATH ! THE UVB- 
 LIEST CHAPTEB IN THE BOOK, 188. 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 MORE OF "DEATH'S DOING a. "FOR ENGLAND HO ! BILLS. ORDERED 
 
 TO LIE ON THE TABLE. A RACE. A CHASE. A "LARK." A TORY 
 OUTRAGE, AND A LIBERAL ACCOUNT OF IT. WEDDING FESTIVITIES, 
 WHERE S THE PARSON, 210. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 A MYSTERY. A JOURNEY OF PLEASURE. ANOTHER OF NECESSITY. 
 A SYLLOGISM. SUBSTANCE AND ACCIDENT. MAJOR, MINOR, AND 
 
Vlll CONTENTS. 
 
 CONSEQUENCE. AN ASS AND A BAND-BOX. A WIG AND A PRIG. 
 SENIORS AND JUNIORS. ASSUMPTION. PERSONATION. RESIGNA- 
 TION. THE ILL-BRED DOG KICKED DOWN STAIRS, 229. 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 A BARONET IN A PUCKER IN A COFFIN. GRIEF AND REMORSE. 
 TOO LATE ! RESUSCITATION, 245. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 UNEXPECTED VISITORS. MORE FREE THAN WELCOME. "DON'T YOU 
 WISH YOU MAY GET IT?" AN ATTACK. AN AMBUSCADE. A 
 REPULSE. A RETREAT, 258. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 A LATITAT. CONVERSATION AND EXPLANATION. THE MIDNIGHT 
 HOUR. THE MORE HASTE THE LESS SPEED. THE ECLAIRCISSE- 
 MENT. THE DENOUEMENT. THE FALL OF THE LEAF. THE FALL 
 OF THE CURTAIN, 268. 
 
 THE TRANCE 283 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Oh, love ! love ! Love is like a dizziness ; 
 
 It winna let a puir body gang aboot his business. 
 
 Old Song. 
 
 OF MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. HIS BIRTH, PARENTAGE, AND EDUCATION. 
 SHOWING- HOW HE CAME TO BE BORN, AND HOW I CAME TO BE 
 COUSIN TO MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. OF MY COUSIN'S FROLICS, AND 
 THEIR RESULT. 
 
 MY Cousin Nicholas was the liveliest, the sprightliest, 
 the handsomest, and the cleverest little fellow in the 
 world so said everybody, at least everybody that 
 visited at the Hall ; and " what everybody says must 
 be true." 
 
 If there were any persons in the neighbouring village 
 of a contrary opinion, they were of that description 
 which usually comes under the designation of Nobody 
 the attorney, the parson, and the doctor, for instance ; 
 besides, as my cousin seldom came in contact with either 
 of these worthies without his genius effervescing in some 
 juvenile prank at their expense, their opinions were 
 naturally the offspring of prejudice, and, of course, the 
 less to be relied on. As to my uncle, he looked upon this 
 issue of his loins with mingled love and reverence, and 
 frequently swore for my uncle had contracted a bad 
 habit of anathematizing that " there was more wit in 
 Nick's little finger " than in the entire corporeal economy 
 of the whole parish, including the churchwardens and 
 overseer. 
 
 Whether my uncle proceeded upon any particular 
 
2 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 hypothesis in thus determining the locality of my cousin's 
 talents, must remain a matter of conjecture ; to those 
 who favour the supposition that he did, it may afford no 
 slight confirmation to observe, that Master Nicholas's 
 jokes being invariably of a practical description, it is far 
 from improbable that the seat of wit, in his particular 
 instance for one would not rashly oppugn a system in 
 the abstract lay rather in his fingers' ends than in the 
 more recondite recesses of the pineal gland. 
 
 To those who maintain that my uncle never formed an 
 hypothesis in his life, I have nothing to say. 
 
 This exuberance of fancy in my cousin was for ever 
 exhibiting itself in a variety of shapes, and usually more 
 to the surprise than the delectation of those who wit- 
 nessed its career. Indeed, it must be confessed, that if 
 wit, like all other good qualities, be, according to Aris- 
 totle's idea, a medium between two opposite extremes, 
 my cousin's certainly inclined rather to the hyperbole 
 than the ellipsis, inasmuch as it seldom happened but 
 that, in the opinion of some one or other, he " carried the 
 joke a little too far." 
 
 The education received by this hopeful heir of " an 
 ancient and respectable family" was one commensurate 
 with his abilities, and, in its earlier stages at least, 
 admirably adapted to bring talents like his to their full 
 maturity. His father, Sir Oliver Bull winkle, or, as he 
 loved to write it, Bolevaincle, was the highest blossom 
 of the genealogical tree which hung in his study (a room 
 so designated, ct non studendo), and shot up into a variety 
 of luxuriant and overhanging branches from a root coeval 
 with the Norman Conqueror, among whose more imme- 
 diate attendants stood proudly eminent the name of Sir 
 Roger de Bolevaincle. 
 
 This worthy Paladin performed, it seems, such good 
 service at the battle of Hastings and elsewhere, that he 
 was, like many others, his brave compeers and co-mates 
 in arms, rewarded by his victorious master, when at 
 length securely seated on the throne of these realms, with 
 the grant of a castle and a lordship, the forfeited fief of 
 some outlawed Saxon noble ; such, at least, was the 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 account frequently given by Sir Oliver to that most 
 patient of all possible auditors, Captain Pyefinch ; and if 
 the style and title of his illustrious ancestor, through 
 some unaccountable neglect, are not to be found either in 
 Domesday Book," or the " Roll of Battle Abbey," so 
 trifling a circumstance can scarcely impeach the credit 
 due to an historical truth in all other respects so well 
 authenticated. Sir Oliver would have made an affidavit 
 of the fact in any court in Christendom. 
 
 The Castle, it is true, had long since mouldered into 
 dust, " perierant etiam ruince /" nor did a single stone 
 remain to tell on what precise spot of the domain the 
 feodal habitation of the valiant and venerated Hoger had 
 existed, or, indeed, whether it had ever existed at all. 
 Not so with the estate, the " dirty acres," as Sir Lucius 
 O'Trigger somewhat disparagingly calls them, the rich 
 arable land and the luxuriant pastures, the homesteads, 
 the copses, the majestic oaks (many of which might, from 
 their appearance, have afforded a grateful shade to the 
 renowned progenitor of the family), these still continued 
 unimpaired in beauty and much increased in value ; while 
 to the possession of them the present representative of 
 the race was, perhaps, as much indebted for the respect 
 and precedence yielded him at the quarter sessions, as to 
 the long list of illustrious Bull winkles who had jointly 
 and severally contributed to produce him. 
 
 But if the pride of ancestry were among the most con- 
 spicuous foibles of Sir Oliver, it was by no means so 
 predominant as to repress in him the inclination to asso- 
 ciate with others, his neighbours, less fortunate in their 
 descent. His exalted birth, like the vaunted prerogative 
 of the first James, was rather a theme on which its 
 possessor loved to descant, than a principle to influence 
 his actions ; and the worthy baronet's affability, especially 
 to his grooms and gamekeepers, was even proverbial in 
 the vicinity ; nor was it long before Cupid, that most 
 radical of levellers, who, as my Lord Grizzle so truly 
 observes, 
 
 " Lords down to cellars bears, 
 And bids the brawny porter walk up stairs," 
 
4 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 exerted his equalizing influence on Sir Oliver, and con- 
 vinced the most incredulous that the heart of his new 
 votary was even more susceptible of love than alive to 
 dignity. 
 
 The clay had been cold, boisterous, and raw, the country 
 deep and miry, while lleynard, taking advantage of all 
 these circumstances in his favour, had led his pursuers a 
 rather longer round than usual. The baronet reached his 
 home, after an unsuccessful chase, chilled, wet, and weary : 
 the length of his ride had occasioned a proportionate 
 increase of appetite ; and as the readiest way of getting 
 rid at once of two such uncomfortable sensations as cold 
 and hunger, or rather, perhaps, governed by that ruling 
 chance which so often decides the fate of mortals, he 
 declined the splendid glories of the saloon for the more 
 genial comforts of the kitchen fire. 
 
 The ample grate blazed bright and cheerful : one end 
 of it was occupied by the cook ! ! in the very act of 
 subjecting a most delicious rump-steak to the discipline 
 of St. Laurence : the flame reflected her glowing beauties 
 to the oblique glances of her master, while the other 
 extremity of the range administered the most vivifying 
 warmth to his inmost recesses, as, with the skirts of his 
 hunting-frock duly subducted and restrained by each 
 encircling arm, he exposed to the fire that particular 
 portion of the human frame which it is considered equally 
 indecorous to present to a friend or an enemy. 
 
 Eleanor Skillet was round, plump, and at this moment 
 especially rosy ; and Cupid, who is seldom very dilatory 
 in his proceedings, did Sir Oliver's business in the frying 
 of an onion. Seating himself (somewhat too suddenly for 
 his comfort) in a huge arm-chair, the ruggedness of whose 
 wicker bottom was much at variance with the yielding 
 softness of the cushion that usually supported his august 
 person, the enamoured son of Nimrod, like another great 
 man in a similar predicament, 
 
 " Sigh'd and ate, 
 Sigh'd and ate, 
 Sigh'd and ate, and sigli'd again." 
 
 Nor did the impression made by the winning graces of 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 5 
 
 the buxom cook-maid prove a mere transitory fancy : in 
 the parlour, in the field, or the bed-chamber, despite the 
 distractive cry of the dogs, or the notes of what bachelors 
 call the " merry-toned horn," her image failed not from 
 this hour to present itself to his imagination : it even 
 broke his rest ; and it is a well-auhenticated fact, that 
 during the three successive nights which immediately 
 followed the culinary expedition alluded to, the most 
 nervous person in the world might have reposed tran- 
 quilly in any chamber on the same side of the house with 
 Sir Oliver, without having his slumbers invaded by the 
 deep-toned bass of that gentleman's nasal organ. 
 
 The baronet, having once imbibed this master passion, 
 was not a man to be long deterred, by any of that 
 inauvaise honte that distressing timidity which too often 
 prolongs most unnecessarily the sufferings of impassioned 
 swains from making his ardent wishes known to the 
 fair object that inspired them ; indeed, it has been 
 shrewdly conjectured that the extraordinary wakefulness 
 ot the three preceding nights was the effect of considera- 
 tion rather than of uneasiness, and had been produced 
 rather by the operation of duly weighing within himself 
 the " To be, or not to be 1 " than by any apprehension 
 for the final miscarriage of his suit, should reflection 
 eventually induce him to decide in the affirmative. 
 
 Of the precise nature of his original proposals, various 
 were the surmises and reports current among the neigh- 
 bours : certain it is that, four months after the decisive 
 interview with Miss Skillet in the Hall kitchen, 
 
 "to the nuptial bower 
 
 He led her, nothing loth," 
 
 and received at the altar of the parish church of Under- 
 down the hand of the fair and lively Nelly, who, in 
 something less than half a year afterwards, being, as 
 she averred, much alarmed by the noise and shouting of 
 the rabble as she passed in her coach through a fair held 
 on the village green, presented him with a very fine 
 little boy, marked on the back with a penny trumpet. 
 The robust and healthy appearance of the infant intro- 
 
6 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 duced thus prematurely into the Hall, gave rise to many 
 an admiring shrug, and many a sagacious shake of the 
 head ; often, too, would a trilling elevation of the shoul- 
 ders, accompanied by a corresponding dropping of the 
 eyelids, take place as the young heir of the Bullwinkles 
 was. exhibited to the 1 occasional inspection of the gossips 
 of Underdown \ and many a significant tone as well as 
 gesture, intended to convey much more than met the eye 
 or the ear, accompanied the communication of the birth 
 of the hero of these memoirs to his aunt, the sister of Sir 
 Oliver, and mother to the humble biographer by whose 
 unpractised pen this eventful history remains to be com- 
 memorated. 
 
 This lady, on the marriage of her brother, had retired 
 from Underdown Hall, feeling, and indeed expressing, 
 great indignation at the contamination caused by the 
 hitherto unsullied stream of the blood of the Bullwinkles 
 becoming thus intimately commingled with the plebeian 
 puddle which stagnated in the veins of Nelly Skillet. 
 Vain were all the remonstrances of her brother, who 
 probably conceived that the aforesaid stream was infi- 
 nitely too pure to admit the possibility of pollution, but 
 that its clear current, like that of the majestic Rhone, 
 must still flow on, undefiled by the accession of any 
 meaner waters, which, though rolling in the same channel, 
 it disdains to mix with, or to admit into its bosom. His 
 utmost efforts did not avail to detain her one moment in 
 the ancient seat of her ancestors, thus desecrated, as she 
 conceived, by the reception of so ignoble a mistress. She 
 accordingly quitted the Hall on the day previous to the 
 celebration of these inauspicious nuptials, proceeding to 
 the house of an old friend and schoolfellow. By this 
 lady, the wife of a wealthy commoner in an adjoining 
 county, she was most cordially received and her inmate 
 she continued till her own union with Major Stafford, the 
 younger brother of a good family, to whom she had been 
 long and tenderly attached ; an event certainly accele- 
 rated by the circumstance which occasioned her secession 
 from her brother's roof. 
 
 Major Stafford was, as I have already hinted, of high, 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 7 
 
 unblemished lineage ; but Fortune, in bestowing this 
 mark of her good- will upon him, had exhausted all her 
 favours, and denied him that portion of the good things 
 of this world so necessary to secure to rank the respect it 
 claims. He was what is commonly called " a soldier of 
 fortune," that is to say, a soldier of no fortune : but 
 John Bull is peculiarly felicitous in misnomers of this 
 kind. The man who demands payment under a threat of 
 arrest, he terms a " solicitor ;" names a cinder-heap in 
 the suburbs " Mount Pleasant ;" and calls a well-known 
 piece of water the " Serpentine Biver," because it is not 
 a river, and because it is not serpentine. 
 
 The major possessed little more than a high sense of 
 honour, a generous and noble heart, a handsome person, 
 his commission, and his sword. He was, in fact, the 
 junior of three brothers : the elder, Lord Manningham, a 
 general in the army, and, at the period of which I am 
 speaking, on foreign service, was a married man with a 
 family ; the second, the Honourable Augustus Stafford, 
 who was fast rising into eminence in his profession as 
 a barrister, remained a bachelor ; while Charles, the 
 youngest, having felt no decided inclination for the 
 Church, to which he had been originally destined, had 
 resolved to enter the army, and with his sword carve out 
 his way to that distinction which his lofty spirit panted 
 to attain. My mother's fortune, though little more than 
 six thousand pounds, added to the income derived from 
 his commission, enabled them to live in comfort, if not in 
 splendour, till the birth of myself, their first and, as it 
 eventually proved, their only child, and left, to disposi- 
 tions happy and contented as theirs, little else on earth 
 to be desired. I was six years old when this% state of 
 calm felicity was broken in upon by the regiment to 
 which my father belonged being ordered abroad. The 
 demon of discord had again unfurled the standard of war ; 
 and my father, now Colonel Stafford, was forced to obey 
 the rude summons which tore him from the arms of his 
 wife and child to encounter all the inconveniences and 
 hazards of the tented field. 
 
 Lady Nelly, meanwhile, in the full possession of all that 
 
8 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 wealth and finery which, when in single blessedness, she 
 had been accustomed to consider as rivalling the joys of 
 Elysium, did not find her sanguine anticipations altogether 
 realized by the event which had put these objects of her 
 eager wishes so unexpectedly within her grasp. True 
 that, instead of cooking an excellent dinner for others, 
 she had now only to undergo the fatigue of eating it her- 
 self; that London Particular Madeira, and an occasional 
 sip of the best Cognac, had superseded Barclay's entire, 
 egg-hot, and. gin-twist ; that the woollen apron, muslin 
 cap, and pattens had fled before flounces and furbelows, a 
 yellow silk turban with a bird of paradise to match, and 
 a barouche and four : nevertheless, many things were still 
 wanting to complete her happiness, while many circum- 
 stances were daily occurring to render her situation irk- 
 some and uncomfortable in the extreme. 
 
 The new Lady Bullwinkle was by nature of a social 
 disposition, and finding little to amuse or interest her in 
 the few ladies of the neighbouring gentry, who, from 
 electioneering motives, were induced by their husbands 
 to leave their cards at her residence, she sighed in secret 
 for the less dignified but more enlivening entertainments 
 of that servants' hall which she had so rashly abandoned. 
 She still infinitely preferred a game at " hunt the slipper," 
 or the mystic rites of the Christmas mistletoe, to all the 
 more refined methods of killing time, practised by ladies 
 of the rank in life to which she was now elevated. This, 
 her ruling propensity, however, she yet contrived some- 
 times to indulge, especially after the birth of my Cousin 
 Nicholas, whose infantine wants frequently furnished her 
 with an excuse for a descent to the lower regions ; while, 
 during tke occasional absence of Sir Oliver, she was in the 
 constant habit of witnessing, and to a certain extent join- 
 ing with, " little master " in the merry pranks and face- 
 tious conceits of the parti-coloured gentry and abigails in 
 the kitchen, who, sooth to say, particularly in those festive 
 moments which mark the commencement and termination 
 of the year, were much more encouraged by the condescen- 
 sion and the " largesse " of " my lady," than awed by her 
 authority or abashed at her presence. 
 
M7 COUSIN NICHOLAS. 9 
 
 In so excellent a school, a boy of the most inferior 
 abilities could scarcely fail of picking up much useful and 
 valuable information ; it is therefore far from surprising 
 that a youth of Nicholas's great natural parts and lively 
 genius should, in a comparatively short period, make such 
 a progress as to create surprise and admiration even in 
 his instructors. At eight years old my cousin was the 
 veriest wag in Christendom. Besides being thoroughly 
 initiated in the mysteries of " put " and " all -fours," 
 " blindman's buff," and " threadle-my-needle," the supe- 
 riority of his talents had evinced itself in a vast variety of 
 ways ; he had put cow-itch into the maids' beds, and brim- 
 stone into his father's punch-bowl; crackers into the kitchen 
 fire, and gunpowder into the parlour snuffers ; nay, on 
 one peculiarly felicitous opportunity, when the annual cele- 
 bration of his own birthday had collected a party in the 
 great dining-room of Underdown Hall, he had contrived 
 to fix a large bonnet-pin so perpendicularly erect in the 
 cushion about to be occupied by the Reverend Dr. Stuffins 
 as to occasion much detriment and inconvenience to that 
 learned gentleman, whose agility on the occasion would 
 not have disgraced Mr. Ellar, or the " Flying Phenome- 
 non." in the course of the same eventful day, moreover, 
 he subtracted a chair from the deciduous body of his 
 papa's " legal adviser," amputated the apothecary's pig- 
 tail, and, by the ingenious adaptation of a fishing-hook 
 and line, previously passed through the pulley of a chan- 
 delier, elevated with a sudden jerk the flaxen jasey and 
 redundant tresses, heretofore the dulce decus of Miss Kitty 
 Pyefinch, to a situation emulating that of Mahomet's 
 coffin. 
 
 For this last jeu d'esprit he was certainly reprimanded by 
 his father with more of severity than he usually exhibited, 
 Sir Oliver being penetrated with the most profound respect 
 for the lady the honours of whose brow had been thus 
 wantonly invaded. Indeed, the confusion of the party 
 was not a little increased by the vehement anathematizing 
 of my uncle, who, in the first transports of his indignation, 
 so far forgot himself as to apply his foot, with a sudden 
 and irresistible impetus, to that precise spot in my Cousin 
 
10 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 Nicholas's system of osteology which appeared the best 
 adapted for its reception, it having completely escaped the 
 worthy baronet for the moment that the gout had for a 
 little time past been coquetting with his own great toe, a 
 circumstance which this rash manoeuvre brought at once 
 most forcibly to his recollection. 
 
 Nicholas up to this comparatively advanced period of 
 his existence had formed no more distinct idea of physical 
 force, as applied to his own person, than that which he 
 might have derived from the vague intimation afforded 
 by his nurse-maid's muse as she occasionally carolled, 
 
 "Dance-y, diddle-ey, Mopsey; 
 What shall I do with ye ? 
 Set ye in lap, 
 And give ye some pap ? 
 Or get a good rod and whip ye ?" 
 
 As the menacing alternative had never been resorted 
 to, he was, of course, equally astoniijj^ed and incensed at 
 the very unexpected manner in which his endeavours to 
 contribute to the amusement of the company had now for 
 the first time been received ; he yelled like a catabaw, and 
 ran roaring down to the kitchen, whither he was followed 
 by Lady Bullwinkle, with a countenance more in sorrow 
 than in anger. 
 
 After the lapse of some half an hour, passed in adminis- 
 tering her consolations to his wounded spirit, her ladyship 
 at length succeeded in assuaging the poignancy of his 
 grief, and in somewhat softening the excess of his resent- 
 ment ; then having extracted from him a reluctant pro- 
 mise not to be comical any more that evening, she led him 
 back to the parlour, apologizing, with a grace peculiarly 
 her own, to the party, for the " sweet child's " having 
 been " a little too funny." By the gentlemen her excuses 
 were received with the most gratifying good humour ; but 
 Miss Pyefinch was by no means inclined to extend the 
 olive-branch so easily. 
 
 This lady was a poetess her soul all tenderness, senti- 
 ment, sympathy, and feeling ; of course, her nerves were 
 sadly shattered by this attack, and she hesitated for a 
 moment as to the propriety of going into hysterics ; but 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 11 
 
 fortunately recollecting that the execution of such a mea- 
 sure would, in the present state of her head-dress, be far 
 from advisable, she very considerately deferred taking so 
 decisive a step till a more convenient opportunity should 
 present itself, and gathering up her spoils, hastily retreated 
 to compose an ode " To Sensibility," in the course of which 
 she took occasion to compare herself to Belinda, in the 
 " Rape of the Lock," not omitting to cast a most Medu- 
 sean glance on the offender, whom she encountered on the 
 stairs in her retreat. 
 
 It would be tedious, not to say impossible, to recount 
 the hundredth part of my Cousin Nicholas's brilliant sal- 
 lies, of a similar description, that took place in the interval 
 between this piece of pleasantry and an event which, for 
 some time, had the effect of checking the ebullitions of his 
 genius. This occurrence was the sudden death of his 
 mother, Lady Bullwinkle, who having unluckily fallen 
 from the top of the back stairs to the bottom, in con- 
 sequence of treading on a few peas which my cousin had 
 placed there for the express purpose of giving one of the 
 maids a tumble, broke an arm and a leg. When borne to 
 her room, she positively refused to abide by the directions 
 of Dr. Drench, who, as she shrewdly observed, " only 
 wanted to starve her into taking his poticary's stuff." 
 She resolved, therefore, to abide by a regimen prescribed 
 by herself, in which roast-goose, mock-turtle, and devilled 
 sweetbreads, were prominent articles. To this diet she 
 rigidly adhered, seldom exceeding a pint of Madeira at a 
 meal ; but whether it was that the injuries received were 
 in themselves so serious as to baffle the art of medicine, 
 or that, as Dr. Drench never failed to aver, her whole 
 system of living was radically wrong, it somehow happened 
 that a mortification ensued, which carried the poor lady 
 off, within a fortnight after the accident. 
 
12 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 The brave Roland ! the brave Roland ! 
 False tidings reach'd the Rhenish strand 
 
 That he had fallen in fight ! 
 And thy faithful bosom swoon'd with pain, 
 O loveliest maiden of Allemagne, 
 
 For the loss of thine own true knight ! 
 
 Old Song. 
 
 RECONCILIATION. AULD LANG SYNE. THE BLARNEY-STONE. RETURN 
 OF THE KILLED AND WOUNDED. " HARK ! MORE KNOCKING!" 
 
 SOME six months after the decease of Lady Bullwinkle, 
 my mother once more returned to take up her residence 
 at Underdown Hall. 
 
 Poor Sir Oliver, although he had not absolutely " forgot 
 himself to stone" on the loss of his lady, whose charms, 
 sooth to say, had long since declined very much in his 
 estimation, was nevertheless seriously inconvenienced by 
 her decease. The cares of house-keeping, to which he 
 had never in his life been accustomed, were heavy and 
 grievous. Previous to taking upon himself the rosy fetters 
 of Hymen, his household affairs had been conducted by 
 his sister, whose prudent management he had somewhat 
 missed on the keys of office being transferred to his late 
 lady ; but when she too was called upon, though under 
 different circumstances, to retire from the seat of govern- 
 ment, his situation was lamentable indeed. The affairs of 
 the home department got into sad disorder ; the servants, 
 he said, nay swore, were worse plagues than any which 
 infested Egypt of old ; over the men, indeed, he did with 
 great difficulty preserve some little supremacy, but the 
 
 women ! No, he must positively call in some more 
 
 practised and efficient hand than his own to seize the 
 helm and steer his labouring bark amidst the rocks and 
 quicksands by which it was on all sides surrounded. 
 
 Two schemes especially offered themselves to his elec- 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 13 
 
 tion ; the one, to make advances to his sister, whoso 
 husband was now in the Peninsula, having left her in 
 furnished lodgings in London ; the other, to raise Miss 
 Pyefinch to the vacant throne. Pride and shame rendered 
 him averse from the first measure ; besides which, he was 
 by no means certain that Mrs. Stafford would extend the 
 olive-branch and come in to his terms; while a fearful awe 
 of Miss Kitty's talents, and no very great inclination for 
 her person (which certainly bore little or no resemblance 
 to the " statue that enchants the world "), threw serious 
 obstacles in the way of his second expedient. It is true 
 that Captain Pyefinch, her brother, an invalid officer on 
 half-pay, was a great proficient in the noble science of 
 backgammon, and moreover very excellent company, 
 seldom interrupting the most long-winded of the baronet's 
 stories by any remarks of his own, which, of Spartan 
 brevity, " few and far between," just served to convince 
 his entertainer that his narratives were not thrown away 
 on the listless ear of an unobservant or a somnolent 
 auditor. The society of this interesting veteran would by 
 the proposed match be at once converted from a casual 
 
 good into a permanent blessing ; but then the lady 
 
 For Miss Catharine Pyefinch, a maiden who owned to 
 six-and-thirty, the worthy baronet felt, it is certain, the 
 greatest reverence and respect ; but then reverence and 
 respect are not precisely the sensations with which a hale 
 widower, in Sir Oliver's circumstances, would wish to be 
 wholly and entirely penetrated towards the proposed 
 partner of his bed and fortune. In the first place, her 
 learning was so transcendent that his own faculties were 
 often bewildered in the vain attempt to unravel the mean- 
 ing of her commonest expressions ; then her sensibility 
 was so exquisite, that if by chance, during her visits at 
 the Hall, Sir Oliver found it advisable to horsewhip a 
 refractory pointer, or kick an intruding cat out of the 
 parlour, the scene never failed to overcome her ; and if, 
 which was too frequently the case, an unlucky oath would 
 slide out of the wrong corner of his mouth in her presence, 
 11 10 shock was electrical, and rendered her completely/i0rs 
 dQ combat for the rest of the clay. 
 
14 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 With all this, the baronet had a high opinion of the 
 good sense which enabled her to discover so many excel- 
 lent qualities in himself; since, though she constantly 
 assured him that they were open and visible to all man- 
 kind, still, with every disposition in the world to credit 
 her, he could not, from the silence of everybody else upon 
 the subject, but entertain some doubts whether these said 
 excellences were altogether so obvious to others as her 
 own fine perception induced her to imagine. Then, 
 again, her verses were so delightful ; not that Sir Oliver 
 piqued himself upon his taste for poetry, which, sooth to 
 say, had usually a narcotic effect upon him, but her 
 glowing muse painted so exquisitely the noble actions of 
 the renowned Sir Roger, the sage decrees of the learned 
 Sir Marmaduke (a Whig justice of the peace in the reign 
 of Queen Anne, whose portrait adorned the mantelpiece 
 in the principal saloon), and the innumerable virtues of 
 the whole race of- Bull winkle, that, even without the 
 well-merited eulogium on the existing representative of 
 that dignified family, Morpheus himself must have thrown 
 away his poppies, and hung on the recital with all the 
 vigilance of the most insomnolent mouser. 
 
 Nevertheless, though the baronet's ears were tickled, 
 and his vanity gratified, his heart was not subdued ; and 
 wisely reflecting that there was little apprehension of 
 losing the captain's society, as he could not call to recol- 
 lection that the gentleman had ever declined one single 
 invitation to the Hall, or had hesitated to prolong his 
 stay, when there, on the slightest intimation that such an 
 extension would be agreeable to its inmates remember- 
 ing, too, that there was no reason to suppose Miss Kitty 
 would cease to immortalize the glories of the family, 
 though she were never to become herself a member of it 
 loth, moreover, to part so soon with his newly-acquired 
 liberty he finally decided, one eventful evening, after 
 losing eight successive hits to the captain, and being 
 somewhat annoyed by an incautious expression of the 
 lady's aversion to tobacco, on writing to Mrs. Stafford, 
 proposing a cessation of hostilities and requesting her to 
 resume that station at the head of his household which 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 15 
 
 his unadvised nuptials had formerly induced her to 
 renounce. Rome was not finished in a day, neither was 
 Sir Oliver's epistle ; both, however, were, after much toil 
 and labour, completed, and the old butler was despatched 
 to Upper Seymour-street, with the letter which had 
 been so long in the concocting, and which he faithfully 
 delivered into Mrs. Stafford's own hands. 
 
 My mother was surprised, and a little agitated on 
 perusing its contents. Years had elapsed since she had 
 quitted her paternal roof, without any expectation of 
 revisiting it again ; but the cause which had banished 
 her thence was now removed, and a feeling, easily con- 
 ceived, gave her a strong inclination to behold once more 
 those scenes which, in her early youth, had been her 
 home her world. Habit and education had indeed com- 
 bined to estrange her from her brother, more than is 
 usual between members of the same family, even before 
 his ill-assorted marriage ; still a sincere, if not a very 
 ardent, affection had ever filled her mind towards him ; 
 and, though somewhat quenched by the unfavourable 
 circumstance alluded to, it was by no means extinguished, 
 and she could not but confess to herself, that a reconcili- 
 ation with him would be most grateful to her. Super- 
 added to this, motives of economy spoke trumpet-tongued 
 in favour of the measure. I was now at Westminster 
 school, my father engaged in all the perilous scenes of a 
 dangerous and doubtful war. The Honourable Augustus 
 Stafford had lately departed this life, and having long 
 since quarrelled with his younger brother, who had 
 warmly resented some slighting expressions used by him 
 rektive to the marriage with my mother, had bequeathed 
 whatever property he possessed to Lord Manningham, 
 who still retained his government in the East. Should 
 any unfortunate event occur to deprive me of a father, 
 Underdo wn Hall would be a secure asylum for us 
 both ; while even at present, with the very limited 
 income she was able to command, and the consciousness 
 that all my hopes of a competency must rest upon 
 her ability to save from her own expenses, it was a 
 retreat pointed out to her as well by prudence as incli- 
 
16 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 nation at all events till the period of Colonel Stafford's 
 return. 
 
 My mother was not long in resolving to accept her 
 brother's invitation thus conveyed, and a communication 
 to that effect speedily transmitted to my uncle the 
 pleasing intelligence, that the proffered olive-branch was 
 accepted, while it fixed a day for his long-estranged 
 sister's re-appearance at the Hall. Thither, in fact, after 
 taking a most affectionate leave of me, she repaired at the 
 appointed time ; as much, I believe, to the discomfiture 
 of Miss Pyefinch, as to the real joy of Sir Oliver, who, 
 after he had got over the little awkwardness of their 
 first interview, scrupled not to declare that he had 
 not felt himself so thoroughly comfortable since their 
 separation. 
 
 For myself, I must own I was by no means pleased 
 with my mother's new arrangements, especially when, in 
 the ensuing vacation, I went down to spend my six weeks' 
 holiday at the Hall. It is true, the frank good-humour of 
 my uncle, and the evident pleasure he took in seeing me, 
 soon won my regard, in spite of his peculiarities ; but I 
 did not like the captain ; I did not like Miss Kitty, who 
 had, however, contrived to make a friend of my mother, 
 and was fast rising in her good graces in proportion as 
 she declined in those of Sir Oliver. 
 
 This lady's conduct had indeed undergone a consider- 
 able alteration since Mrs. Stafford's arrival. Her muse 
 was still prolific, but it was no longer the panegyric of 
 the house of Bullwinkle that formed its exclusive theme. 
 The baronet was no longer its object ; all the poetic 
 artillery of the fair Sappho was now levelled at my 
 mother. She sang of the delightful union of two sensi- 
 tive souls, and the charms of female friendship. My 
 mother smiled. She changed her strain to a recapitula- 
 tion of all Mrs. Stafford's admirable qualities, attributing 
 to her the excess of every virtue under the sun. My 
 mother frowned. She shifted her ground once more. 
 The subject alike of her lays and her discourse was now 
 the praises and merits of the gallant soldier, who, amidst 
 dangers, difficulties, and death, still thought with fond- 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 17 
 
 ness on the only object of his affections, and panted for 
 the hour when, his perilous duties all fulfilled, the pains 
 of absence should be more than balanced by the transports 
 of a joyful return to the embraces of his beloved. My 
 mother's flint began to melt, and an affection for me, as 
 violent as instantaneous, which seized the good lady the 
 moment I was introduced to her acquaintance, completed 
 her conquesb ; Miss Pyefinch had " never seen so fine 
 or so engaging a boy ;" and before that day was over, 
 Mrs. Stafford hesitated not to affirm that " Miss Pyefinch 
 was really a very sensible woman, and possessed one of 
 the best hearts in the world." 
 
 Sir Oliver whistled, and left the room, muttering some- 
 thing in an under-tone, which, from the only mono- 
 syllable that could be distinctly heard, related in all 
 likelihood to a female greyhound that followed him out 
 of the parlour. 
 
 Despite the encomia with which I was overwhelmed 
 by her, I cannot say that the manners of my new friend 
 made a very favourable impression upon me ; nay, I must 
 own that with respect to my Cousin Nicholas (whom, by 
 the way, I have too long neglected), my temper was even 
 more fastidious. In vain did that facetious young 
 gentleman exhibit some of the choicest specimens of his 
 wit for my entertainment ; in vain were the most jocose 
 feats of practical ingenuity, feats which convulsed all the 
 grooms and footmen in the house with laughter, brought 
 forward to amuse me ; in vain did he tie the wheel of a 
 post-chaise, which had drawn up at a door in the village, 
 to one of the legs of an adjacent fruit-stall, and occasion 
 in consequence a most ludicrous subversion of the fragile 
 fabric on the sudden movement of the vehicle, to the 
 utter consternation of a profane old apple- woman, who 
 loaded the unknown malefactor with her bitterest execra- 
 tions ; in vain did he even exercise his humour on my 
 own person, putting drugs of a cathartic quality into my 
 soup, or removing the linchpins from a pony-chaise which 
 I was fond of driving about the grounds, and thereby occa- 
 sioning me an unexpected descent from my triumphal car, 
 accomplished with far more of precipitation than grace 
 
18 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 still, I was so weak as to remain insensible to his merit, 
 and even to look upon these sprightly sallies with some 
 degree of anger and indignation. I have little doubt but 
 that I must have appeared to him a very dull dog, and 
 should, in all probability, have soon incurred his supreme 
 contempt, but for an event which, I have since had reason 
 to imagine, changed in some degree the nature of his 
 feelings towards me. 
 
 The last accounts from Spain had stated the approxi- 
 mation of the two contending armies, and the public 
 journals did not hesitate to speculate on the probability 
 of an approaching engagement. These conjectures derived 
 much additional strength from the contents of private 
 despatches, and, among others, of letters received by my 
 mother from her husband, who, from his situation on 
 
 Lord 's staff, had good grounds for supposing such a 
 
 circumstance to be very likely to take place. My mother's 
 anxiety was, of course, extreme ; nor could I fail to par- 
 take of the same feelings, when one morning, the rest 
 of the family being already assembled at breakfast, my 
 Cousin Nicholas, who was usually later than any other of 
 the party, entered the room. 
 
 His countenance, unlike its usual expression, was serious, 
 and even solemn ; his step slow and hesitating, while a 
 degree of disorder was visible in his whole demeanour. 
 He took his seat at the breakfast-table in silence, and 
 "heirau to occupy himself with his teacup, bending down 
 his head, as if with the intention of shading his counte- 
 nance from the observation of the company. My uncle 
 at this moment inquired for the newspaper, the invariable 
 concomitant of his morning meal, and was answered by 
 the butler that he had placed it on the table as usual, 
 before any of the family had come down, except Mr. 
 Bullwinkle, whom he thought he had seen engaged in 
 its perusal. 
 
 " And pray, Mr. Nick, what have you done with it ? " 
 cried Sir Oliver. " I did not know you had been up so 
 early." 
 
 " Done with it, sir 1 " stammered my cousin. " Nothing, 
 sir, that is, nothing particular. I have left it in my 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 19 
 
 own room, I dare say ; I can fetch it, if you wish me, 
 sir, that is but perhaps you will like to read it after 
 breakfast 1 ?" and his eye glanced significantly towards 
 my mother. 
 
 Its expression was not to be mistaken. She caught 
 the alarm instantly, and, rising from her chair, while her 
 trembling limbs scarce sufficed to bear her weight, and 
 her face turned ashy pale, exclaimed, " There is news 
 from Spain ! I am sure of it and Stafford is killed ! " 
 
 Her words were electrical, and a simultaneous con- 
 viction of their truth blanched every cheek. 
 
 "Killed!" returned my Cousin Nicholas; "no, my 
 dear aunt that is, I hope not ; but there has been 
 an action, a severe one, and it is as well to be pre- 
 pared." 
 
 Mrs. Stafford's worst fears were confirmed : she fainted, 
 and was carried from the room. In. the confusion of the 
 moment, no one thought of inquiring into the sad par- 
 ticulars of the disaster that had overwhelmed us. Sir 
 Oliver first asked the question, and demanded to see the 
 fatal paper. My cousin immediately complied with the 
 requisition, and produced it from his pocket ; saying 
 coolly, as he put it into his father's hand, that " he was 
 sorry to see his aunt so discomposed, as his uncle Stafford 
 might not, after all, be killed, or even wounded, as his 
 name certainly was not in the list of either the one or 
 the other." 
 
 " Not in the list ! " roared Sir Oliver. " Then what 
 the d 1 did you mean, you young rascal, by alarming us 
 all in this manner?" and stood with an expression of 
 countenance in which joy, surprise, and anger, were most 
 ludicrously commingled : while I, as the conviction that 
 my ingenious cousin had merely been once more indulg- 
 ing his taste for pleasantry flashed upon my mind, sprang 
 forward in the heat of my indignation, and, with a toler- 
 ably well-directed blow of my arm, levelled that jocose 
 young gentleman with the floor. 
 
 A yell, shrill and piercing as that of the fabled man- 
 drake when torn by the hand of violence from its parent 
 earth, accompanied his prostration, and the ill-concealed 
 c 2 
 
20 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 triumph which had begun to sparkle in his eye at the 
 success of his stratagem, gave way to a strong appearance 
 of disgust at this forcible appeal to his feelings. But Sir 
 Oliver, with all his partiality for his heir, was at this 
 moment too angry to take up his cause : he ordered him 
 instantly out of the room, while I hurried off to console 
 my mother with the intelligence that the fears she had 
 been so cruelly subjected to were altogether groundless, 
 and that the affair, to use a frequent and favourite phrase 
 of my Cousin Nicholas, was " nothing but a jolly good 
 hoax from beginning to end." 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 A doubtful fate the soldier tries 
 
 Who joins the gallant quarrel 
 Perhaps on the cold ground he lies, 
 No wife, no friend, to close his eyes, 
 Or, vainly mourn'd, 
 Perhaps return'd, 
 He's crown'd with victory's laurel. 
 
 DIBDIN. 
 
 Facilis descensus Averni ; 
 
 Sed revocare gradum, superasque evadere ad auras, 
 Hoc opus, hie labor est ! 
 
 VIRGIL. 
 
 PENITENCE AND ITS FRUITS. THE MORE HASTE THE WORST 
 SPEED. THE HORSE AND HIS RIDER. 
 
 I FOUND my mother still suffering severely under the 
 impression that the blood of her beloved husband had 
 mingled with that of many of his brave countrymen in 
 crimsoning the plains of Talavera. Painful as it was to 
 witness her distress, I almost dreaded to inform her that 
 she had been imposed upon, lest the sudden transition 
 from despair to extreme joy, on finding her apprehensions 
 for his safety entirely groundless, should prove too much 
 for her agitated mind, and plunge her perhaps into a 
 situation still more to be dreaded than that state of 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 21 
 
 insensibility from which she was now beginning slowly to 
 emerge. 
 
 Fortunately, while I was yet meditating on the best 
 method of conveying the happy news to her with the 
 caution it required, Dr. Drench was ushered into the 
 apartment. The worthy old butler, on seeing the con- 
 dition in which his mistress had been borne from the 
 breakfast-parlour, had hurried, unbidden, in search of that 
 gentleman's assistance, and had luckily found him at his 
 own house, which was situate scarcely a hundred yards 
 distant from the avenue leading to the Hall. When he 
 arrived, the good doctor was in the very act of mounting 
 his galloway, a tight little Suffolk punch of more " bone" 
 than " mettle," in order to pay a visit to a patient. Of 
 course no persuasion was necessary, under the circum- 
 stances, to induce him to alter his route for the present ; 
 and, having stored his pockets with a profusion of the 
 usual restoratives, a very few minutes brought him to 
 Mrs. Stafford's bedside. Taking him aside to the window, 
 I, in as few words as possible, recounted to him the cause 
 of my mother's sudden indisposition, together with the 
 real state of the case, the assurance of which would, I was 
 persuaded, prove the most effectual remedy for her dis- 
 order ; then, leaving it to his discretion to announce the 
 glad tidings in the manner most befitting the occasion, I 
 retired from the room. The worthy doctor, not being 
 blessed with a very keen relish for the ridiculous, was at 
 first a good deal shocked at my narration, and, in the 
 simplicity of his heart, cursed my Cousin Nicholas for " a 
 mischievous young cub ;" but then it may be observed in 
 palliation, that Drench was but a plain man, with very 
 little taste for humour. By his care and skill, however, 
 together with the judicious way in which he communicated 
 to his patient, after a free use of the lancet, the infor- 
 mation which had indeed nearly again overwhelmed her, 
 such beneficial effects were produced as to warrant him, 
 on joining us in the parlour below, in holding out the 
 strongest hopes that no ulterior consequences of a more 
 serious or unpleasant nature would attend the execution 
 of my cousin's frolic. 
 
22 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 Sir Oliver pressed the doctor strongly to stay and 
 partake of our family dinner : this invitation, however, 
 frankly as it was proffered, he thought fit most positively 
 to decline. Indeed, ever since the surreptitious abduction 
 of his queue, which had taken place on the memorable 
 occasion of the party formerly mentioned, he had been 
 rather shy of committing his person within the four walls 
 of Underdown Hall, except under circumstances of pro- 
 fessional emergency. He had by this time, after infinite 
 care and pains, succeeded in rearing another pigtail to a 
 size and longitude nearly coequal with those of its lamented 
 predecessor. It was once again lotus teres atque rotuiKli<~, 
 and its proprietor was therefore, not without reason, 
 especially apprehensive lest the scissors of my Cousin 
 Nicholas, scarcely less fatal than those of the Parcre, 
 might once more subject this cherished appendage to the 
 unpleasant ceremony of a divorce. Despite, therefore, the 
 Oircsean allurements of a fine haunch of forest mutton, 
 his favourite joint, Dr. Drench shook me cordially by the 
 hand, bowed to Sir Oliver and the captain, and quitted 
 the house. 
 
 My uncle, whose love and regard for his sister, always 
 sincere, were, perhaps, greater at this than at any former 
 period of his life, was truly rejoiced to find that no 
 seriously unpleasant effects were likely to ensue from what, 
 now his apprehensions were allayed, he again began to 
 consider as a pardonable, though somewhat too lively 
 ebullition of youthful vivacity : he had even begun to 
 explain to the captain, for the five hundredth time, what a 
 desideratum it was that a boy should have a little mis- 
 chief, a " little spice of the d 1," as he phrased it, " in 
 him ;" the captain, in no wise relaxing from his customary 
 taciturnity, was very composedly occupying himself in 
 arranging the men upon the backgammon-board, and 
 neither assented nor demurred to a proposition which he 
 had so often heard laid down by his host before ; while I, 
 in that restless fidgety state of mind which one feels 
 when subsiding agitation has not yet quite sunk into com- 
 posure, was endeavouring to divert the unpleasant current 
 of my thoughts, by turning over the leaves ot the last new 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 23 
 
 novel, brought by Miss Kitty Fyefinch from the circu- 
 lating library at Underdown, when a strange medley of 
 voices and confusion of sounds, portending some new 
 calamity, and proceeding from the outward hall, arrested 
 my attention, caused even the imperturbable captain to 
 raise his eyes from his game, and drew from Sir Oliver Bull- 
 winkle the abrupt exclamation, "What the devil's that !" 
 
 The sounds evidently and rapidly approached ; in a few 
 seconds the parlour door flew open, and a figure, which, 
 by its general outline only, could be recognized as that of 
 Drench, occupied the vacant space, while the background 
 of the pictuie was filled up by an assemblage of sundry 
 domestics, bearing clothes-brushes, and rubbers of various 
 descriptions, and exhibiting a set of countenances in every 
 one of which respect, and a strong inclination to risibility, 
 manifestly contended for the mastery. 
 
 The unexpected appearance of such a phenomenon 
 excited scarcely less surprise and astonishment in my own 
 mind than in that of Sir Oliver, who stood gazing on the 
 apparition with symptoms of the most undisguised amaze- 
 ment, till a voice, broken by passion, and impeded by the 
 mud, which filled the mouth of the speaker, stammered 
 out 
 
 " Look here, Sir Oliver ! I beg you will look here 
 this is another of the tricks of your precious son Nicholas. 
 His behaviour is unbearable, he is a pest to the whole 
 neighbourhood, Sir Oliver." 
 
 " Why, what on earth is all this about ? What is the 
 matter, my good friend ? " 
 
 " Matter ! the devil's the matter almost dislocating 
 my neck's the matter. I am a plain man, Sir Oliver" 
 no one who looked in poor Drench's face could gainsay 
 the assertion " I am a plain man, and I now tell you 
 plainly, that if you do not curb that young man's pro- 
 pensity to mischief, some time or other he will come to 
 be hanged ! Only see what a pickle I am in !" 
 
 The last sentence was uttered in a lachrymose whine, 
 so different from the highly-raised tone in which the for- 
 mer part of the invective had been pronounced, that my 
 uncle, who had begun to bristle at hearing the lineal heir of 
 
24: MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 Sir Eoger de Bullwinkle consigned thus unceremoniously 
 to the superintendence of Mr. Ketch, was immediately 
 mollified, and his attention being thus pointedly attracted 
 to the rueful appearance exhibited by the doctor, his anger 
 was forthwith subdued. Dr. Drench was a little punchy 
 figure of a man, standing about five feet nothing, plump 
 and round as a pill ; he was placed opposite to Sir Oliver, 
 dilating his height to the very utmost ; and if he did not 
 on this occasion add a cubit to his stature, it was mani- 
 festly from sheer inability, and not from any want of 
 inclination ; his snuff-coloured coafc, black silk waistcoat, 
 kerseymeres, and " continuations," no longer boasted that 
 unsullied purity, in all the pride of which they had quitted 
 Underdown Hall not half an hour before : a thick incrus- 
 tation of dark blue mud, agreeably relieved by spots of 
 the most vivid crimson, now covered them with plastic 
 tenacity, rendering their original tints scarcely discernible 
 by the most microscopic eye. Nor had the visage of the 
 unfortunate gentleman escaped much better, since, but for 
 the sanguine current which flowed down the lower part 
 of his face in a double stream, he might not unaptly have 
 been compared to the " Man with the Iron Mask," so 
 completely had the aforesaid incrustation adapted itself to 
 the contour of his features. 
 
 If Pope's assertion be correct, when, following Ariosto, 
 he pronounces that all things lost on earth are treasured 
 in the moon, the doctor's well-brushed beaver was, in all 
 probability, by this time safely laid up in that poetic 
 repository of missing chattels, for below it was unquestion- 
 ably nowhere to be found : its place, however, was sup- 
 plied by a cap of the same adhesive material as that which 
 decorated his face and habiliments, affording strong pre- 
 sumptive evidence that whatever portion of his person had 
 first emerged from the ditch he had so lately evacuated, 
 his head had at all events taken precedence on his entry 
 into it. His pig-tail, too, that darling object of his fondest 
 affection, to guard whose sacred hairs from the remotest 
 chance of violation he had so reluctantly declined the 
 baronet's proffered cheer, stood forth no longer a splendid 
 specimen of the skill of Humphrey "Williams, sole friseur 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 25 
 
 to the village of Underdown, but now exhibited indeed a 
 melancholy resemblance to the real appendage of that 
 unclean animal from which it had metaphorically derived 
 its designation. 
 
 Rueful, indeed, was the aspect of the worthy disciple of 
 Galen, as he underwent the scrutinizing gaze of Sir Oliver, 
 who found it very convenient at the same time to have 
 recourse to a family snuff-box which he usually carried 
 about his person. In this mode of proceeding he was 
 imitated by the captain, who now for the first time broke 
 silence to request the favour of a pinch from the well- 
 known tabatiere, after which a more specific inquiry was 
 instituted into the predisposing and proximate causes of 
 Dr. Drench's disaster. 
 
 Those causes were, alas ! but too soon made manifest. 
 
 My Cousin Nicholas, it seems, had encountered the 
 doctor at the hall door on his return ; and had stopped 
 him to make inquiries respecting the health of his patient, 
 whose indisposition he vehemently deplored, uttering a 
 thousand regrets that a silly joke of his own should have 
 produced it. For this he declared he should never be able 
 to forgive himself ; although, as he protested, it had never 
 entered his imagination that the trick could have been 
 attended with consequences so alarming. Touched by his 
 remorse, the good doctor comforted him with the infor- 
 mation that, if nothing occurred to produce a relapse, his 
 aunt would not, he trusted, be so serious a sufferer as he 
 had at first feared ; he then seized the opportunity to 
 read his young penitent a short but energetic lecture on 
 the folly and wickedness (so he expressed himself) of thus 
 terrifying, or even inconveniencing others, merely to 
 gratify a silly and mischievous propensity. 
 
 My Cousin Nicholas listened to these well-intended and 
 well-delivered observations with the profoundest atten- 
 tion ; he heaved a sigh at their conclusion, and with a 
 becoming gravity assented to their justice, at the same 
 time volunteering a promise that this offence should be 
 his last. Pleased with the effect of his own oratory, and 
 nothing doubting that the contrition of the youthful 
 offender was, for the moment at least, sincere, Dr. Drench 
 
26 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 put one foot into the stirrup attached to hi:; galloway, 
 which a groom had now led out, and throwing his leg 
 over the saddle, failed to remark that his proselyte had 
 taken the opportunity afforded by his back being turned 
 for the nonce, to introduce a large thistle beneath the tail 
 of the quadruped on whose back he had now attained so 
 perilous an elevation. 
 
 The effect was obvious and immediate : utterly unac- 
 customed to any application of a similar description, and 
 highly resenting the indignity thus offered to his person, 
 Punch, as sober a gelding as any in the three kingdoms, 
 instantly evinced his sense of the degradation to which he 
 had been subjected, by violent and repeated calcitrations, 
 of no common altitude, and distributed in every possible 
 direction. Becoming every moment more eager to relieve 
 himself from so disgraceful and inconvenient an adjunct 
 as that which now encumbered and annoyed his rear, he 
 at length took the resolution of starting off at score, and 
 soon deviated so much from his usually rectilinear mode 
 of progression as to convey his unfortunate rider to the 
 edge of a large sewer, into which all the filth and drain- 
 ings of the Hall stables, together with other not less 
 noisome concomitants, eventually flowed. Here, on the 
 very brink of this abyss, an unlucky curvet, describing an 
 angle of forty-five degrees, dismounted the hapless eques- 
 trian, and precipitated him head foremost into the centre 
 of the " vast profound." 
 
 But for the groom, who had brought the doctor his 
 horse, and who had witnessed the whole of the foregoing 
 scene, poor Dr. Drench would probably have encountered 
 a fate compared with which the not altogether dissimilar 
 encl of the " Young princes murther'd in the Tower " 
 might have been esteemed a merciful dispensation, since, 
 whether we subscribe to Walpole's " Doubts" or not, there 
 is no reason to imagine that the means employed for the 
 suffocation, of the royal innocents was attended by that 
 " rank compound of villanous smells," which served, in the 
 present case, to heighten the catastrophe. By his EU 
 ance the sufferer was, with some difficulty, extricated from 
 the imminent peril into which he had been plunged, and 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 27 
 
 was reconducted to the Hall, whither he once more repaired 
 for the double purpose of complaint and deputation. 
 
 These particulars were, not without some little trouble, 
 at length collected from the soiled lips of the indignant 
 doctor, and confirmed by the supplementary attestation 
 of the servant who had observed the transaction, and 
 whose levity in giving his evidence the fellow absolutely 
 grinned drew down upon him a well-merited rebuke 
 from the court. A summons was instantly despatched, 
 commanding the immediate attendance of the accused ; 
 but my Cousin Nicholas was at this precise moment 
 nowhere to be found. 
 
 That considerate young gentleman, on witnessing the 
 " Descent of Drench," being well aware that liberty unex- 
 pectedly recovered is, in nine instances out of ten, abused, 
 and most apt to degenerate into licentiousness, hastily 
 followed the enfranchised steed, with the view of prevent- 
 ing any mischief which might accrue to himself or others 
 from this his sudden manumission. The end of the 
 avenue, which opened on the high-road near to the 
 entrance of the village of Underdo wn, presented a formid- 
 able barrier to the farther progress of the liberated nag 
 in the shape of a lofty gate, flanked on each side by a 
 thick plantation of evergreens. To leap it was out of the 
 question, as poor Punch held fox-hunting in utter abomi- 
 nation, and had never cleared anything more formidable 
 than a gutter in his life ; to escape on either side was 
 impossible, the shrubs were absolutely impervious; so, 
 having discovered, during a moment of hesitation, what 
 the headlong precipitation of his flight had hitherto pre- 
 vented him from perceiving, namely, that he had long 
 since got rid of his old tormentor, the thistle, all these 
 considerations, joined with the recollection that he had 
 neither galloped so long nor so fast at any one time during 
 the last fourteen years, induced the philosophic Punch to 
 await quietly my cousin's approach, and once more to 
 surrender his newly-acquired freedom without making a 
 single struggle to retain it. 
 
 Having thus possessed himself of a horse, my Cousin 
 Nicholas thought he would take a ride. 
 
28 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 Many reasons concurred to render his availing himself 
 of the opportunity particularly advisable : in the first 
 place, horse-exercise is strongly recommended by the 
 faculty, and has a tendency towards bracing the nerves j 
 then it happened to be a remarkably fine day ; inclina- 
 tion prompted, opportunity courted him, and he was, 
 moreover, morally certain, from the situation in which he 
 had last beheld him, that the owner of his Pegasus stood 
 in no sort of need of him at present ; in addition to all 
 which, an undefined suspicion had by this time entered 
 my cousin's head that certain disputatious bickerings 
 might, by possibility, arise at the Hall out of the circum- 
 stances which had so lately taken place, and that a con- 
 troversy might ensue, in which he might find himself 
 personally involved to an extent somewhat greater than 
 would be altogether pleasant to his feelings. Now, my 
 Cousin Nicholas hated argument and squabbling about 
 trifles, nor was he ever known to enjoy a joke at his own 
 expense. 
 
 Any of these motives, if taken separately, would have 
 been sufficient, there was no resisting them all in com- 
 bination so my cousin cantered away, and, having a 
 pretty taste enough for the picturesque, was highly 
 delighted by several charming prospects of the surround- 
 ing country which he encountered in the course of his 
 ride. So much, indeed, did they engross his attention, that 
 time slipped away unheeded, and he did not reach Under- 
 down Hall, on his return, till long after the hour which 
 had dismissed the doctor to his own " Sweet Home," as 
 well scoured, scrubbed, and scraped, as if he had gone 
 through a regular course of brick-dust, sand, and emery- 
 paper. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 29 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Belicta non bene parmulft. 
 
 HORACE. 
 
 What, sir ! do ye make us illegeetimate ? 
 
 Sir Archy Mac Sarcasm. 
 
 THE "BOAST OF HERALDRY." "THE PITCHER THAT GOES TOO OFTEN 
 TO THE WELL," ETC. A SCRAPE, AND A DEPARTURE. 
 
 THESE last freaks of my Cousin Nicholas were too 
 important, both in their nature and consequences, to 
 admit of their being passed over without some little 
 notice. Dr. Drench, in addition to the deranged state of 
 his wardrobe and osteology, complained bitterly of the 
 injury sustained by Punch, who unluckily, from some 
 cause or other, happened to fall very lame about this 
 period, a circumstance which the doctor failed not to 
 attribute to my cousin's equestrian performances ; and he 
 positively refused any further attendance, friendly or pro- 
 fessional, at TJnderdown Hall, while it should contain so 
 facetious an inmate. My mother availed herself of the 
 occasion to renew, in the most forcible terms, certain 
 suggestions previously made as to the propriety of her 
 nephew's removal to some public seminary, where, under 
 the pruning and training hand of a skilful master, those 
 vigorous shoots of intellect might acquire a proper direc- 
 tion hinting, at the same time, that considerable danger 
 might arise, lest, like all other plants of equal exuberance, 
 his genius, from being allowed to run wild and unculti- 
 vated, might eventually become weak and exhausted, or 
 even perish immaturely, from the force of its own luxuri- 
 ance. She even went so far, when once more sufficiently 
 recovered to join the family circle, as to make his tem- 
 porary secession from home the sine qud non of her own 
 continued residence there. It may, however, be doubted, 
 after all, how far her well-meant remonstrances would have 
 
30 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 succeeded with Sir Oliver in inducing him to part from 
 his darling Nicholas, had not that young gentleman's star 
 assumed at this time a peculiarly malignant aspect, and 
 impelled him, in perfect contradiction to his usual custom, 
 to direct the next effort of his wit against no less a per- 
 sonage than the baronet himself. 
 
 A long passage at the farther extremity of the mansion, 
 (used in the late baronet's time as a laundry, but dignified 
 by the present with the name of the " Northern Gallery") 
 contained, among much other curious matter, a series of 
 portraits, representing sundry, real or supposed, worthies of 
 the illustrious house of Bullwinkle. At the extreme end 
 stood the redoubted Roger himself, or rather his armour, 
 consisting of an habergeon, or shirt of chain mail, a cuirass, 
 which some hypercritical Meyrick might not improbably 
 have referred to a later age a helmet, gauntlets, and shield ; 
 all of which had, till within these few years, occupied a niche 
 in one of the aisles of the parish church of Underdown. 
 They had there been long in the habit of swinging sus- 
 pended over a tomb, on which the mutilated remains of a 
 recumbent figure still reclined, though so much defaced as 
 to render it difficult to pronounce, with any degree of cer- 
 tainty, whether it were the effigies of a human being or 
 not. At its lower extremity, however, those parts which 
 corresponded to the legs of a man were manifestly crossed, 
 and this circumstance at once induced Sir Oliver to pro- 
 nounce it to be the tomb of a Crusader, and, if of a Cru- 
 sader, a fortiori, of that flower of chivalry, the magnanimous 
 Roger himself; nay, so far did he carry his enthusiasm 
 in favour of this hypothesis, that nothing but the sacred 
 character of the offender, had prevented him in his earlier 
 years from challenging a former incumbent of the parish, 
 who observed, with more of levity than of reverence, that 
 " the position was, undoubtedly, that of either a Templar 
 or a tailor." This palpable attempt to detract from his 
 venerated ancestor eight-ninths of his consequence in the 
 scale of humanity my uncle never forgave. But to 
 return. 
 
 On the death of the aforesaid scoffer, my uncle had 
 obtained the consent of the Rev. Mr. Bustle, whom he 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 31 
 
 then presented to the living (the churchwardens, for divers 
 weighty reasons, not opposing his wishes), to remove the 
 several pieces of armour mentioned above from their 
 exalted situation to his own house, and as a due acknow- 
 ledgement of their politeness, Sir Oliver presented the 
 parish in return with a handsome set of communion-plate 
 for the use of the church. 
 
 Having secured his piize, the baronet's first care was 
 to have the rust and accumulated impurities of so many 
 years removed as much as possible, and the whole put 
 into a complete state of repair, under the immediate and 
 personal surveillance of the village blacksmith. In the 
 course of the process, the remains of something like a 
 device, which time and damps had combined to obscure, 
 were discovered on the shield, and the delighted anti- 
 quary forthwith availed himself of the talents of a wan- 
 dering artist, then luckily engaged in painting a new 
 sign for the " King's Arms," to delineate (or, as he said, 
 replace) upon its surface " three golden fetterlocks, clasped, 
 in a field azure," the ancient heraldic blazonry of all the 
 Bullwinkles. Thus renovated and restored to their pris- 
 tine splendour, the arms of Sir Roger were erected in the 
 manner of a trophy, over a pedestal inscribed with the 
 knight's name, and placed in the most conspicuous part of 
 the gallery. This was ever after Sir Oliver's favourite 
 apartment, and thither he retired on the evening succeed- 
 ing my mother's attack upon him, to reflect upon her 
 request, and upon the alternative which had been pre- 
 sented to his choice. 
 
 My uncle perambulated the gallery for some time in 
 silence, his hands crossed behind his back, and his eyes 
 fixed upon the floor, while his footsteps, slow and unequal, 
 betrayed the irresolution of his mind. His sister so long 
 lost, so lately recovered ! to lose her again seemed the 
 very acme of misfortune, especially since the increasing 
 comforts of his home, and his reduced expenditure, had 
 taught him fully to appreciate her value. But then, again, 
 his only son ! the beloved of his heart, the delight of 
 his eyes, the youthful scion destined to transmit the 
 blood of the Bullwinkles down to the remotest posterity, 
 
32 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 -the last sole hope of an honourable name ! True, indeed, 
 Nick was, certainly, rather too bad rather too much 
 devoted to pleasantry, and of a disposition requiring the 
 curb rather than the spur ; but then to banish him from 
 the home of his fathers, an exile from those scenes which 
 his progenitors had so long (in all likelihood) trodden 
 which somebody had unquestionably trodden, and Bull- 
 winkles more probably than anybody else ; there was 
 sorrow in the thought it was not to be thought of. 
 
 " No ! " exclaimed my uncle, facing about suddenly, and 
 confronting the panoply of Sir Roger " No ! " cried he, 
 extending his hand with the force and majesty of a 
 Demosthenes, "never be it said that the heir of Underdown 
 was, even for an hour, thrust like an expatriated fugitive 
 from that roof which had sheltered so many generations 
 of his forefathers ! never be it said that a youth of such 
 noble endowments, one so alive to the dignity of his 
 family, so justly proud of his high descent and unblemished 
 lineage, so " 
 
 The glance of Sir Oliver rested for a moment on the 
 emblazoned escutcheon of Sir Roger de Bolevaincle, whom 
 he was just about to apostrophize did that glance deceive 
 him ? or had a miracle indeed been worked to cast a 
 scandal upon his hitherto untainted pedigree? He paused 
 abruptly, and stepped forward with all the agility he was 
 master of, in order to convince himself that the object 
 which had " seared his eyeballs," was but an " unreal 
 mockery." But no ! the phantasm, instead of vanishing 
 at his approach, as he had half hoped it would have done, 
 stoutly stood its ground, and presented to his horror- 
 struck and incredulous gaze the apparition of a " bend 
 sinister" that opprobrious mark of shame and illegiti- 
 macy, drawn diagonally athwart the "golden fetterlocks 
 in the azure field," the immaculate and ever-honoured 
 bearings of the Bullwinkles, while the family motto Sans 
 peur et sans reproche, so noble and so appropriate, was 
 rendered completely illegible by a broad streak of black 
 paint. 
 
 Sir Oliver rushed from the gallery in a paroxysm of 
 rage and astonishment. The servants, every soul in the 
 
MY COUSIff NICHOLAS. 33 
 
 house, from my mother down to the kitchen-wench inclu- 
 sive, were examined as to their knowledge of the author 
 of this piece of atrocity. No one, however, was found 
 able or willing to throw any light upon $ie subject, till 
 Miss Kitty Pyetinch suggesting the probability, " that, 
 after all, it was only a joke of Master Nicholas's," one of 
 the footmen recollected that, some two days before, a car- 
 penter, employed in painting and repairing the fences in 
 the grounds, had complained to him that Master Nicholas 
 had run away with his paint-pot and brushes. The sub- 
 sequent discovery and identification of these very articles 
 in a corner of the gallery no longer left any doubt as to 
 the person of the culprit. 
 
 The fate of my Cousin Nicholas was from this moment 
 decided. A decree, as irrevocable as those of the Medes 
 and Persians, was pronounced, and another fortnight saw 
 Master Bull winkle an inmate of the parsonage-house, 
 occupied by the llev. Mr. Bustle, who to his clerical func- 
 tions superadded that of the master of the menagerie to 
 " a limited number of select pupils," in a parish a few 
 miles distant, which he held in commendam with that of 
 Underdown. The term of my own holidays having 
 expired, I also left the Hall upon the same day on which 
 nay Cousin quitted it, and returned to Westminster. 
 
34: MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Delightful task ! to rear the tender mind, 
 To teach the young idea how to shoot ! 
 
 THOMSON. 
 
 The poet's eye, in a fine frenzy rolling, 
 
 Doth glance from heav'n to earth, from earth to heav'n ; 
 
 And, as imagination bodies forth 
 
 The forms of things unknown, the poet*s pea 
 
 Turns them to shape, and gives to airy nothing 
 
 A local habitation and a name. 
 
 SHAKSPEABE. 
 
 THE MARCH OP INTELLECT. MUSJJ BULWINKLIAN.E. HOW SLEEP 
 THE BRAVE ! 
 
 WHILE Mr. Bustle was labouring diligently in his 
 Vocation as scavenger to the Augean stable of my Cousin 
 Nicholas's intellect, and endeavouring, with all the per- 
 severing spirit of the most industrious kitchen- wench, to 
 scour out certain stains and blemishes in his manners 
 derived, as he said, from the defective mode of his early 
 education, while he was " preparing him for the Uni- 
 versity," by a very summary process, not unlike that by 
 which poulterers in the metropolis are said to prepare 
 turkeys for the spit, viz. by cramming them with all sorts 
 of good things, till their crops are ready to burst through 
 repletion I was proceeding, through the usual routine 
 of the foundation of which I was an alumnus, towards 
 the same desirable end ; and, as the plan adopted by my 
 instructors was that of going on in the old, straight- 
 forward, beaten track used by our fathers before us, 
 without bewildering themselves in the modern fashion- 
 able short cuts to the Temple of Knowledge, or " leaping 
 learning's hedges and ditches," in order to arrive at their 
 goal by a less circuitous route, it cannot be supposed that 
 my progress in the belles lettres was half so rapid or so 
 brilliant as that of my cousin. Indeed, the intell 
 as well as the corporeal gullet of Mr. Nicholas Bull wink lo 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 35 
 
 was of an extraordinary capacity, and, from its amazing 
 powers of expansion, might almost have warranted a 
 suspicion that it might be composed of India-rubber. If 
 its powers of digestion were not commensurate, but 
 suffered the raw material whic^ it received to remain 
 crude and unconcocted, that could hardly be supposed to 
 be the fault of his purveyor, the Eev. Mr. Bustle. 
 
 In point of fact, that learned gentleman was, in a very 
 short time, mightily pleased with the proficiency of his 
 new pupil, who, as he declared, evinced a decided taste 
 for poetry, as well as for polite literature in general, an 
 opinion in which his father (who, to say the truth, was 
 not, perhaps, qualified to do more than hazard a con- 
 jecture on the subject) perfectly coincided, so that in the 
 space of a couple of years my Cousin Nicholas ran an 
 imminent risk of being considered an absolute lusus 
 natwrcBj a prodigy of genius. His fame about the same 
 time was fully confirmed and established by the fott of 
 Miss Pyefinch herself, whose exquisite tact and experience 
 in all matters of this description rendered her, as we have 
 before taken occasion to observe, sole and undisputed 
 arbitress of the literary merits and demerits of every pre- 
 tender within five miles of Underdown. 
 
 This excellent lady, whose prejudices at no very distant 
 period had certainly operated considerably to my cousin's 
 disadvantage, had been of late much propitiated by various 
 effusions, some of them of rather an amatory cast, which, 
 issuing from the pen of the young poet, had been, with 
 the appearance of great devotedness, most humbly in- 
 scribed to herself ; nor was the deportment of the juvenile 
 bard, on his occasional returns to the Hall, such as wholly 
 to supersede the idea that her charms, like those of the 
 celebrated Ninon de ISEndos, had achieved a conquest, 
 and lighted up a flame in a youthful breast, when some- 
 what past what rigid critics might call the period of their 
 maturity. Several of these tender lays were, by Miss 
 Pyefinch, extolled above all that Hammond or J\Eooro 
 ever wrote ; and though many persons were of opinion, 
 from the hyperbolical compliments contained in them, 
 that Mr. Nicholas had either taken leave of his sense*, 
 
36 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 or was only indulging his old propensity to " hoaxing," 
 she never could be brought to subscribe to it. 
 
 One of these lyrics, containing less of passion and 
 more of sentiment than the generality of his effusions, 
 I shall take leave to present my readers with. It was 
 placed by him in Miss jryefinch's hand one fine evening 
 after his return from a solitary ramble in the garden, 
 having been rudely written down with a pencil, and is, 
 on the whole, no bad specimen of my cousin's poetical 
 abilities. 
 
 THE POET'S BOWER. 
 
 A bower there is, a lowly bower, 
 In which my soul delights to dwell ; 
 
 No gorgeous dome, or storied tower, 
 Can charm my fancy half so well ! 
 
 No Zeuxis e'er its walls adorn'd, 
 
 No Phidias bade its columns rise ; 
 Such aids the humbler artist scorn'd, 
 
 Nor taught its towers to court the skies. 
 
 But the low wall's contracted bound 
 
 The Ivy's amorous folds entwine, 
 And wanton Woodbines circling round, 
 
 To deck the blest retreat combine. 
 
 The Lilac, child of frolic May, 
 
 There flings her fragrance to the breeze ; 
 
 There, too, with golden tresses gay, 
 Laburnums wave in graceful ease. 
 
 And there, in loveliest tints array'd, 
 
 How sweetly blooms the blushing Rose { 
 
 While round a soft and varying shade 
 The Willow's bending form bestows. 
 
 Far in my garden's utmost bound 
 
 The modest mansion rears its head, 
 There noisy crowds are never found, 
 
 No giddy throngs its peace invade ; 
 
 No "stores beneath its humble thatch," 
 Like Edwin's, "ask a master's care ;" 
 
 The wicket, opening with a latch, 
 Receives the lonely swain or fair. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 37 
 
 Within inscribed, above, around, 
 
 Are lines of mystic import seen ; 
 And many a quaint device is found, 
 And many a glowing verse between. 
 
 'Tis here, at morn or dewy eve, 
 
 In meditative mood reclined, 
 The world, its pomps and cares, I leave, 
 
 And shut the door on all mankind. 
 
 Full many a tome's neglected weight, 
 Here, page by page, mine eyes survey ; 
 
 Full many a patriot's warm debate, 
 And many a youthful poet's lay ; 
 
 Sweet ! oh sweet, the evening hour ! 
 
 'Tis then I bid the world farewell, 
 'Tis then I seek the lonely bower 
 
 In which my soul delights to dwell ! 
 
 Miss Pyefinch was charmed with this production of 
 my cousin's muse ; the only thing that puzzled her was, 
 whereabouts this nice little retreat could possibly be situ- 
 ated, as memory refused to supply her with any edifice about 
 the grounds at all answering the description given of it. 
 
 Sir Oliver, indeed, hazarded a suggestion, but the fair 
 Sappho was highly scandalized at the insinuation it con- 
 tained ; and most indignantly rejecting the solution 
 offered, finally concluded that the whole was merely a 
 flight of fancy, or, as she was pleased to phrase it, " a 
 Poetic fiction." 
 
 ***** 
 
 The period was now rapidly approaching at which it 
 was thought advisable that I should be removed from 
 Westminster to the University. I was turned of eighteen, 
 tall and active, and furnished with a sufficient quantum 
 of Greek and Latin to make my debut among those 
 classic scenes, without any violent apprehension of a 
 failure. Colonel Stafford had been for some time in 
 England ; his constitution, originally not a strong one, 
 had been much injured by the exertions, privations, and 
 fatigues, necessarily attendant on a desultory and pro- 
 tracted series of campaigns ; of late, too, the mode of 
 
38 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 warfare had begun to assume a more decided character, 
 and the " marchings and countermarchings " were now, 
 as the plans of the great commander who directed the 
 operations changed from the defensive to the offensive, 
 interspersed with skirmishes and actions, dangerous in 
 the extreme during their progress, though ever glorious 
 in their results. 
 
 Frequently exposed, from the nature of his official 
 situation on the staff, to the hottest fire of the enemy, 
 and urged by the innate gallantry of a disposition rather 
 impetuous than prudent, into dangers which he might 
 perhaps without discredit have avoided ; still the " sweet 
 little cherub that sits up aloft " seemed to watch over my 
 father's safety with unwearied vigilance. Often was the 
 weapon levelled by man, but Heaven averted the ball ; 
 and, with a single exception, he came out of every conflict 
 scathless arid uninjured. 
 
 It was not till after his return to England, whither he 
 was at length despatched with the official accounts of the 
 
 battle of , and his subsequent retirement into the 
 
 bosom of his family, that the ravages made in his health, 
 by his long-continued subjection to the hardships of a 
 military life, passed under the inauspicious combinations 
 of an active enemy and an un genial climate, were fully 
 apparent. A wound, too, originally of a trivial nature, 
 as his friends had been taught to believe, but which had 
 never been entirely healed, now joined to occasion alarm 
 to his friends, and to give a character to other symptoms 
 which betokened a sure though gradual decay. 
 
 Mrs. Stafford for a while shut her eyes, and remained 
 obstinately blind to what was perfectly apparent to every 
 one else ; she fondly flattered herself that the increasing 
 debility of her husband might be successfully combated 
 by quiet, his native air, and the soothing attentions of 
 conjugal affection. Alas ! her hopes were groundless ; 
 the hectic on his cheek became, it is true, more vivid, but 
 it contrasted painfully with the sallow paleness of the rest 
 of his countenance, while a short dry cough, and his 
 attenuated form, evinced but too surely that his stamina 
 were affected, if not reduced, 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 39 
 
 The symptoms were but too prophetic : as spring (the 
 third since his return) advanced, his inability to contend 
 longer against disease became daily more evident, till 
 early in the fatal month of May, a month so critical to 
 invalids, my dear father resigned his upright and honour- 
 able spirit into the hands of Him who gave it. 
 
 My poor mother was overwhelmed with the most pro- 
 found grief by this melancholy event ; the more so, as 
 although of late the conviction had been forced upon her 
 that Colonel Stafford was in a rapidly declining state, 
 still she had never contemplated the probability of so 
 sudden a dissolution of those ties which formed the 
 principal joy of her existence. It was done, however. 
 Those ligaments of the soul which bound her to an 
 adored and adoring husband, were at length severed ; 
 and till their reunion in a future world, I was the only 
 object to which she was now to look for comfort and 
 support. My father's death had been so sudden, that I 
 had barely time to reach home, from Christ Church, of 
 which I had some time since become a member, in 
 order to receive his last blessing. He died like a Christian, 
 calm, fearless, and resigned, with his latest breath com- 
 mending my mother to my care. 
 
 Years have since rolled on, but the moment is fresh as 
 ever in my memory. May I never forget it ! 
 
40 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 lie saw her charming, but he saw not half 
 The charms her downcast modesty concealed. 
 
 THOMSON. 
 
 A LETTER. A JOURNEY. MUSIC HATH CHARMS. DUCKING AND 
 DODGING. A CHASE. THROWN OUT AT LAST. STOLEN AWAY. 
 
 LITTLE of moment occurred either to myself or my 
 friends during the next two years. My mother was still 
 an inmate of Underdown Hall, where her attentions 
 were now become absolutely indispensable to the comfort 
 of her brother. A settled, but calm melancholy, had 
 succeeded to those severer transports of grief which had 
 engrossed every faculty of her mind during the first burst 
 of her affliction at the loss of my father, and now, if not 
 happy, she was at least resigned. My Cousin Nicholas 
 had entered himself a gentleman-commoner at Brazenose 
 College, but so widely different were our pursuits and 
 habits that, although such near neighbours, we saw but 
 little of each other ; nevertheless, a tolerably good under- 
 standing was kept up between us, and, though rarely 
 visiting, we always remained upon terms of civility. 
 
 One morning, at a rather earlier hour than was cus- 
 tomary with him, Nicholas made his appearance at my 
 rooms in Peckwater, and invited himself to breakfast 
 with me. I soon found that his object in paying me this 
 friendly visit was to borrow a little money, a circum- 
 stance which had occurred once or twice before, at times 
 when his exchequer had been at a low ebb. My own 
 finances happened on this occasion to be by no means in 
 a flourishing condition, and I was on the point of con- 
 fessing my inability to accommodate him at present, when 
 a letter was delivered to me by the "scout," which, 
 from its size and weight, appeared to contain an in- 
 closure. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 41 
 
 It was from my mother, requesting to see me imme- 
 diately, " upon urgent business," which, as she informed 
 me, was of a nature calculated to influence, and that very 
 materially, my future prospects in life. She declined 
 entering into particulars till we should meet, conjured 
 me to lose no time in setting out to join her, and ex- 
 pressed her hopes of seeing me on the third day, at latest, 
 from that on which I should receive her epistle. The 
 inclosure was a remittance of sufficient magnitude to 
 obviate any difficulties of a pecuniary nature which might 
 tend to retard my progress. 
 
 This supply came very seasonably for my Cousin Nicho- 
 las, with whom I immediately shared it, as the moiety 
 would, I found, amply provide for my own wants on the 
 journey I was about to undertake, a journey the neces- 
 sity for which I did not hesitate to acquaint him of, and 
 heard, in reply, that the reason which had induced him 
 to apply to me for assistance, was the impossibility of his 
 otherwise carrying into execution a scheme he had enter- 
 tained of proceeding incognito to London, for some par- 
 ticular purpose which he had in view. As he did not 
 explain what this particular purpose was, I thought it 
 unnecessary to inquire into it, but acceded at once to the 
 proposal which he now made, that we should travel to 
 the metropolis together. 
 
 Little preparation was necessary for either of us. I 
 hastily threw a few articles of dress into a portmanteau, 
 and, through the interposition of my tutor, found no 
 difficulty in obtaining leave for my immediate departure, 
 more especially as I had already resided the number of 
 days requisite for keeping the term, and the Easter 
 vacation was at hand. 
 
 Not so Nicholas : his irregularities had of late been too 
 notorious for him to obtain permission to secede one hour 
 before the appointed time. This unlucky circumstance, 
 however, he found means to obviate by placing his name 
 on the sick-list, or " pricking ceger" as he technically 
 termed it ; when, having directed his servant to draw his 
 commons regularly from the buttery till his return 
 feeling, moreover, a moral certainty that this injunction 
 
42 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS, 
 
 would be faithfully observed, inasmuch as the said com- 
 mons would of course be applied to the sole use and 
 benefit of the receiver during the interval he walked 
 with the greatest possible composure over Magdalen 
 Bridge, and was taken up by my post-chaise at the foot 
 of Heddington Hill, where the somewhat longer, but by 
 far the most picturesque, of the two roads that lead to 
 the metropolis turns off abruptly to the right. 
 
 The day was beautiful, and my cousin, on finding him- 
 self clear of the environs of Oxford without detection, 
 proceeded to disencumber himself of sundry large silk 
 handkerchiefs which enveloped the whole of the lower 
 part of his face, and bade adieu to a voluminous surtout, 
 which had also assisted materially in disguising his figure 
 during his walk. The silver waves of old Father Thames 
 rolled at our feet in many a shining meander, through a 
 scene of more than Arcadian loveliness, as we entered the 
 town of Henley. Here we partook of a hasty dinner, 
 when, eager to reach London, I resolutely resisted all 
 Nicholas's covert insinuations respecting the excellence of 
 the wine, "the best by far he had ever tasted at an 
 inn," as well as his more open proposals for the dis- 
 cussion of one more " quiet " bottle. The horses were 
 again put to, and in due time deposited us safely at the 
 Tavistock Hotel, in Covent Garden. 
 
 Having drunk a cup of coffee, and got rid of the 
 uncomfortable sensation which usually succeeds a journey, 
 however easily and pleasantly performed, Mr. Bullwinkle 
 once more suggested that a bottle of Lafitte would prove 
 an excellent succedaneum in the absence of all other 
 amusement, observing, at the same time, that the day 
 being a Wednesday in Lent, and all theatrical entertain- 
 ments of course suspended, he should not otherwise 
 " know what to do with himself." 
 
 My head was so full of conjectures as to the nature of 
 " the urgent business " which had occasioned my being 
 thus suddenly summoned from my studies, and my mind 
 was so exclusively occupied in forming a thousand im- 
 probable guesses on the subject, that I should in all 
 likelihood have acceded to the proposal, from mere aiiti- 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 43 
 
 pathy to any change of place which might tend to disturb 
 the current of my ideas, had I not plainly perceived that 
 the Madeira which we, or rather he, had swallowed at 
 Henley, had already performed its part, and elevated my 
 cousin's spirits quite as high as prudence would sanction- 
 Well knowing that his general propensity to get into 
 scrapes wanted not any excitation from the " Tuscan 
 grape" to call it into play, I once more positively 
 declined joining him in his potations \ and in order to 
 prevent his sitting down and getting drunk by himself 
 an alternative which I had little doubt he would adopt 
 proposed that, as neither play nor opera was exhibiting, 
 we should look in at Covent Garden, and listen to the 
 delightful music of " Acis and Galatea." Nicholas said 
 indeed, swore that an Oratorio was " the greatest of all 
 possible nuisances," and that he would as soon " be cruci- 
 fied " as listen to one ; but finding me absolutely deter- 
 mined not to te make a n%ht of it," he at length, though 
 with undisguised reluctance, agreed to accompany me 
 rather than " snore over the bottle " by himself. 
 
 We found the house very full, and being still in our 
 travelling-dresses, resolved, in order to avoid the risk of 
 encountering any of the more fashionable part of our 
 acquaintance in the present deranged state of our habili- 
 ments, to go into the pit ; for at the period to which my 
 narrative refers, the " customary suit of solemn black " 
 worn in the boxes by both sexes during Lent, at what 
 were then literally " performances of sacred music," had 
 not yet yielded to the innovating hand of modern illumi- 
 nation. Our intention was carried into effect not without 
 some little difficulty, for on our arrival every seat was 
 occupied, and we were glad to take up our stations in 
 " very excellent standing-room " near one of the benches, 
 at no great distance from the orchestra. 
 
 The fascinating siren, Stephens, who had then just 
 reached the zenith of her reputation, was never in. finer 
 voice ; and whatever unwillingness Nicholas might have 
 originally felt to be " bored with their confounded catgut," 
 still even he was not entirely proof against such enchant- 
 ing melody. As to myself, with a mind naturally delight- 
 
44 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 ing in the concord of sweet sounds a taste I had inherited 
 from my mother, whose whole soul was attuned to harmony 
 I had for some time neither eyes nor ears for anything 
 but the fair songstress on the stage ; till at length, during 
 a temporary cessation of her exertions, occasioned by a 
 movement in the accompaniment, a slight and half- 
 suppressed exclamation of delight drew my attention to 
 my immediate neighbour, who occupied a corner of the 
 bench close to which I was standing. 
 
 It was a female, clad, like the major part of the audience, 
 in mourning, over which was thrown a loose garment of 
 gray cloth, then termed " a Bath cloak ;" nor did any thing 
 in her dress indicate a superiority over the generality of 
 those who usually occupied that portion of the theatre in 
 which she had placed herself ; still the whole appearance, 
 both of herself and her companions, evinced their re- 
 spectability. 
 
 These latter consisted of &i elderly female in the 
 modest garb of middle life, having much the appearance 
 of a substantial tradesman's wife, and a lad whom I con- 
 jectured to be her son : the latter was about sixteen 
 years of age, and, by his frequent yawns and sleepy 
 demeanour, seemed to be a fellow-sufferer with my Cousin 
 Nicholas, and to have imbibed at least some portion of 
 that ennui which the latter always professed to feel, and 
 probably experienced, whenever he entered a music-room. 
 On these two, however, I bestowed but a very cursory 
 glance, my whole attention being immediately and invo- 
 luntarily engrossed by the lovely creature to whom the 
 old lady performed the office of chaperon, for that any 
 closer connection existed between her and the being who 
 was fast becoming the object of my idolatry, my whole 
 soul revolted from believing. 
 
 Early accustomed to mix in good society, I had enjoyed 
 many opportunities of seeing most of the celebrated belles 
 of the day ; but never, in the whole course of my expe- 
 rience, had I met with a form and countenance so well 
 calculated to make an impression on the susceptible heart 
 of a romantic and amorous youth of one-and- twenty. 
 She appeared to be some three or four years iny junior ; 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 45 
 
 her complexion was dazzlingty brilliant, her features were 
 cast in the finest mould of beauty, while the vivacity and 
 intelligence that sparkled in her dark-blue eyes evinced 
 the powers of the mind within, that gave animation to so 
 expressive and charming a countenance. The fixed in- 
 tensity of my gaze at length attracted her notice, and she 
 blushed deeply as her eye sank beneath mine ; yet was 
 there a something, in the occasionally recurring glance 
 which I encountered, that told me her shrinking from 
 my regard was rather the eifect of modesty than dis- 
 pleasure. 
 
 While I was meditating in what manner I should 
 introduce myself to one who had already made a much 
 greater progress in my good graces than even I myself 
 was aware of, " that which not one of the gods could 
 venture to promise me, chance spontaneously offered to 
 my acceptance." * One of the light-fingered fraternity, 
 who so generally frequent places of amusement, was, 
 while labouring in his vocation, detected by my Cousin 
 Nicholas in the very act of clandestinely subtracting from 
 the coat-pocket of the sleepy-looking youth just men- 
 tioned, as it stood most invitingly open, a large silk 
 handkerchief, therein deposited till the termination of 
 the performance should restore it to its original use, that 
 of protecting the lower part of his physiognomy from 
 the rawness and inclemency of the night-air. Now, as it 
 formed no part of my cousin's system of politics to sanc- 
 tion any mischief that neither amused nor interested him, 
 and as he foresaw in a moment that the bustle consequent 
 on the detection of so nefarious a piece of delinquency 
 might probably do both, and be infinitely more agreeable 
 and enlivening than even the music of the spheres, had 
 he been within hearing of their celestial harmony, he 
 hesitated not an instant to proclaim his acquaintance 
 with the deed then in the course of perpetration, and 
 to interrupt the meditated retreat of this dexterous 
 conveyancer. 
 
 * Turne, quod optanti Divftm promittere nemo 
 Auderet, volvenda dies, en, attulit ultro. 
 
 VIRGIL. 
 
46 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 The disturbance which ensued may be imagined. The 
 offender, thus taken in the very act, or, as the Scotch have 
 it, " with the red hand," found it useless to deny, and 
 impossible to justify, his unauthorized appropriation of 
 another's chattels. A portion of the surrounding specta- 
 tors prepared immediately to put in force that very sum- 
 mary law of which the mobility of England might, in 
 those days, have been considered at once the framers, the 
 expounders, and executioners, but which, much to the 
 regret of all good citizens, has of late years sunk into 
 desuetude. No one then dreamed, in such cases, for one 
 moment, of " the new police," or an appeal to " his 
 worship :" to their own salutary decree did they have 
 immediate recourse ; which said decree, as it was not to 
 be found in any of the books, belonged most probably to 
 the " unwritten or common law," and directed that the 
 guilt of the criminal should be forthwith washed and 
 purged away through the medium of the nearest pump. 
 
 " Between the acting of a dreadful thing 
 And the conception, all the interim is 
 Like a phantasma, or a hideous dream." 
 
 And so it was on the present occasion. While that highly 
 respectable part of the community to which I have just 
 alluded were, in the exercise of their undisputed preroga- 
 tive, hurrying off to condign punishment the atrocious 
 depredator " vot had prigged the gemman's wipe," in full 
 accordance with the statute (by them) in that case made 
 and provided, considerable confusion arose in the imme- 
 diate vicinity of the transaction : certain ladies shrieked, 
 others fainted, while a few ultras both shrieked and 
 fainted. My charmer did neither ; but the agitation of 
 her manner, and the lily, now fast usurping the place 
 of the rose, upon her cheek, showed that she was not 
 altogether insensible to alarm. 
 
 Perhaps there is no moment so favourable for a lover 
 as that in which the object of his affections either is or 
 fancies herself to be in danger, with no other protection 
 to fly to but his own. I failed not to seize the golden 
 opportunity, and improved so well the few minutes of 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 47 
 
 bustle which ensued, as not only to introduce, but to 
 ingratiate myself considerably, both with the damsel and 
 the matron. As to the " lubberly boy/' this little fracas, 
 in which his handkerchief had borne so distinguished a 
 part (an article, by the way, which the gentleman who 
 had rescued it from the fangs of the pickpocket when 
 Nicholas seized his collar forgot, in the excess of his 
 indignation, to return to its owner), Lad given a fillip to 
 nature, and he was actually wide awake for a full quarter 
 of an hour ; but as his mind was entirely occupied by the 
 magnitude of his loss, his presence gave me not the 
 slightest molestation. 
 
 I was much more annoyed by Nicholas, who, in spite 
 of my endeavours to keep him in the background, would 
 occasionally interfere ; nor could I help heartily wishing 
 that he had carried his love of justice so far as to have 
 gone and assisted at the ceremony of immersion whether 
 as pumper or pumpee, I should not have cared one farthing. 
 As things stood, I was obliged to let matters take their 
 own course ; though I certainly could have dispensed 
 with his society when, at the conclusion of the Oratorio, 
 he made a daring, though happily an unsuccessful, attempt 
 to induce the young lady to accept his assistance in getting 
 clear of the crowd, and to leave me the more honourable 
 but less pleasing post of acting as escort to her antiquated 
 companion. This arrangement, however, I was sufficiently 
 on the alert to frustrate, and almost dared to flatter 
 myself that the nymph lent her aid in rendering vain his 
 manoeuvre, as she thankfully accepted my arm, and 
 afforded me the inexpressible delight of conducting her 
 to a hackney-coach, which had apparently remained in 
 waiting for the party. But notwithstanding the footing 
 I had contrived to gain by my attention to their con- 
 venience during the disturbance, as well as afterwards, I 
 nevertheless found it impossible to extract, from either 
 the young or the old lady, the secret of their address, and 
 was inexpressibly disappointed when, having placed them 
 in the coach, and received their acknowledgments for 
 what they termed my politeness, the matron, simply 
 saying to the coachman, " To the house you brought us 
 
4.8 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 from !" made me a most gracious bow, and drew up the 
 window. 
 
 The vehicle was in motion the next minute, but not 
 before honest Jarvis, in return for a half-crown piece, had 
 sold me the interesting intelligence that the place of his 
 destination was Jermyn Street. Determined, however, to 
 be fully satisfied as to the accuracy of my information, as 
 well as to ascertain the particular house to which the 
 party was bound, I failed not to follow the coach, which 
 proceeding at a very moderate pace, enabled me to keep 
 it in view without any difficulty, till I saw it eventually 
 disembogue its precious contents at the door of a respect- 
 able-looking house in the street above named. 
 
 My first care on having thus fortunately, as I supposed, 
 succeeded in " marking the covey down," was to put 
 myself in possession of the number of the mansion ; which 
 done, I proposed to return for the present to the hotel. 
 But this arrangement by no means met the ideas of my 
 Cousin Nicholas, who had kindly, and without any solici- 
 tation on my part, accompanied me in the chase. He now 
 found himself, at its termination, very unexpectedly, in 
 the immediate vicinity of an edifice which contained an 
 object possessing charms, to him not less attractive than 
 those which had operated to bring me into the same 
 neighbourhood. This object of my cousin's devotions was 
 a certain table, most beautifully variegated and adorned 
 with a motley covering of red and black cloth, exhibiting, 
 moreover, the delightful accompaniment of sundry packs 
 of cards, together with all and every the sacrillcial instru- 
 ments necessary for offering up human victims at the 
 shrine of Plutus. Many were the persuasions made use of 
 by my cousin to induce me to accompany him into the 
 penetralia of this temple of Mammon, the more recondite 
 mysteries of which he very kindly offered to initiate nie 
 in. Kesisting ail his importunities to engage in so 
 dangerous a pursuit, and finding it useless to persuade 
 him to alter his own determination, I at length quitted 
 him in the street, and retraced my steps to the Tavistock, 
 to dream of an angel, in a Bath cloak. 
 
 The following morning I arose an hour before my usual 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 49 
 
 time, and scarcely allowed myself a few moments to 
 swallow a hasty breakfast, so eager was I to avail myself 
 of the little services which I had been fortunate enough 
 to render my goddess the night before, by calling to 
 " hope she had experienced no serious ill effects from her 
 alarm." I was, besides, in a complete fidget lest Nicholas, 
 too, should be taken with a freak of early rising, and 
 should insist on joining me in my proposed visit. In this 
 respect, however, my fears were perfectly groundless, as I 
 found, on inquiry, that worthy had not been very long in 
 bed, having, as I doubted not, spent the major part of the 
 preceding night in that rapturous vacillation of spirit pro- 
 duced by the alternation of good and bad fortune in some 
 exciting game of chance. He was still sound asleep : I 
 took good care not to disturb him, and set out on my 
 adventure alone. 
 
 However deserving they may be, we know that " it is 
 not in mortals to command success," a truth which I 
 was destined to experience most painfully in the present 
 instance. 
 
 On applying at the house in Jerrnyn Street, I was 
 astounded by the information that no ladies, answering 
 the description which I gave, resided there at all, although 
 two such had certainly taken tea the day before with 
 Mrs. Morgan, a lodger who occupied the " first floor ;" 
 that they had afterwards gone away in a hackney-coach, 
 to the theatre, it was believed, and had returned late 
 in the evening, but that they had only remained a few 
 minutes, when, having partaken of the contents of a tray 
 which had been set out in expectation of their arrival, 
 they had finally taken their departure in a handsome 
 dark-green chariot, which came to fetch them away. 
 
 This, at least, was the account furnished me by the 
 servant girl, whose good offices I secured by a trifling 
 present, and who also informed me, that she had never 
 seen the younger lady of the two before, and the elder not 
 above three or four times. 
 
 Much disconcerted at this intelligence, I could not 
 refrain from cursing my own stupidity in allowing thoni 
 thus to escape me, though wiser heads than mine might 
 
 E 
 
50 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS, 
 
 Lave been puzzled to know how to have prevented it, as 
 not the slightest suspicion of their being merely visitors 
 at the house to which I traced them, had ever entered my 
 niind. My only course was to promise the girl an addi- 
 tional gratuity, if she could succeed in learning the place 
 of their abode ; which done, I walked, with a very dif- 
 ferent step, and in a very different frame of mind from 
 that in which I had set out, towards St. James's Park, 
 revolving with myself the means which it would be most 
 advisable for me to adopt, in order to obtain the wished- 
 for intelligence. Nor did it fail to present itself to my 
 recollection, that a very short time indeed was left me to 
 make the necessary inquiries, unless I should altogether 
 give up the idea of attending my mother's summons by 
 the day appointed in her letter. Twenty-four hours, 
 however, I thought I could command, and wonders might 
 be achieved in half that time by a sincere and enter- 
 prising lover ; but vain were all my efforts to discover my 
 fair incognita ; in vain did I traverse half the streets at 
 the west end of the town ; in vain did I peer and peep 
 into every shop I passed, and scrutinize every window 
 with the keenness of a familiar of La Santa Hermandad. 
 Once, indeed, I thought 1 caught a glimpse of a figure 
 similar in the delicacy of its proportions to that of my 
 charmer, and my heart beat high with hope renewed ; 
 but, alas ! only to increase my disappointment, when, after 
 I had sorely bruised my shins, and beat all the breath out 
 of my body by " making a cannon" between an apple- 
 barrow and an old clothesman, in my hurry to " head " 
 the fancied angel, my eyes were blasted by the sight of a 
 face as hideous as age and ugliness could make it. 
 
 Weary and dispirited, I at length gave up my fruitless 
 chase ; but, ere I returned to my hotel, resolved on 
 making one final and desperate effort to recover the scent. 
 With this view I entered a jeweller's shop, whose windows 
 displayed " an elegant assortment" of trinkets, and having 
 purchased a plain but handsome vinaigrette, which I 
 afterwards replenished at a perfumer's, once more re- 
 traced iny steps to Jermyn Street. From niy new auxi- 
 liary, the niaid, I soon learned that I had nothing farther 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS* 51 
 
 to expect in that quarter, at present, in the way of intel- 
 ligence, and therefore boldly demanded to see Mrs. Morgan 
 herself. 
 
 Fortunately, as I then imagined, that lady was at 
 home ; so, desiring the girl to announce me simply as " a 
 gentleman on business," I was introduced forthwith into 
 the presence of ah elderly female, furnished with one of 
 the most forbidding visages that it has ever been my lot 
 to encounter. Nothing daunted, however, at her " vinegar 
 aspect," I proceeded at once to unfold the " nature of rny 
 business," which was, as my readers will doubtless have 
 anticipated, neither more nor less than " to restore to the 
 elder of the two ladies I had the honour of escorting from 
 the play-house, the evening before, a vinaigrette, which 
 I had unwittingly retained after its use was rendered 
 superfluous by the recovery of her daughter from the 
 terror she had experienced, and to express my fervent 
 hopes that her alarm had been attended by no unpleasant 
 consequences." 
 
 Whether it was that the old snap-dragon suspected my 
 veracity from the expression of my tell-tale countenance, 
 I knew not ; though I think it far from improbable, as I 
 never in my life could acquire from my Cousin Nicholas 
 that happy nonchalance with which he would utter you 
 half a dozen lies in a breath, without the slightest embar- 
 rassment or discomposure of muscle : certain it is, that 
 my tormenting auditress soon convinced me that it would 
 be easier to extract a guinea from a miser's purse, or a 
 plain answer from a diplomatist's portfeuille, than to 
 obtain from her the information I so eagerly panted to 
 obtain. 
 
 With an excess of good-breeding, ludicrously at variance 
 with the sourness of her physiognomy, she eluded my 
 request to be admitted to see the lady, parried all my 
 inquiries, thanked me for my civility, and, requesting me 
 to give myself no farther trouble about the trinket (which 
 she pledged herself to return to the right owner at an 
 early opportunity), fairly bowed and curtsied me out of 
 the house, without my having been able 1 to arrive at any 
 other certainty than that I had thrown away five pounds 
 E 2 
 
52 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 ten shillings upon a most unprofitable speculation, and 
 one which presented not the shadow of a return ; in short, 
 the cool sarcastic demeanour of that terrible old woman 
 fully convinced me that, from the very first, she had 
 penetrated my motives, seen through my stratagem, and 
 made my whole scheme recoil upon myself. One advan- 
 tage, however, I had at least gained by my attempt ; that 
 was the securing still farther the assistance of my friendly 
 Abigail, to whom I made the most magnificent promises 
 on the simple condition that she should transmit the 
 desired intelligence to an address with which I furnished 
 her ; and, with nothing beyond this, frail foundation to 
 rest my hopes upon, I at last quitted London, leaving 
 Nicholas behind me, and fully resolving to extricate 
 myself as soon as possible from any engagement which my 
 mother might have formed for me, that I might return to 
 the metropolis, where only I had any hope of succeeding 
 in my search after the, perhaps unconscious, possessor of 
 my runaway heart. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Jog on, jog on the footpath-way, 
 
 And merrily gain the stile-a ! 
 Your merry heart goes all the day, 
 
 Your sad tires in a mile-a. 
 
 AUTOLYCUS. 
 
 TEE WAY-WOW? TRAVELLER. THE MYSTERY DEVELOPED. GOOD 
 INTENTIONS. A HINT AND AN INVITATION. NOUS VERRONS. 
 
 THE evening of a cold, wet, and dreary day in the 
 month of March saw me once more at Underdown Hall, 
 as gloomy, uncomfortable, and thoroughly out of temper 
 as any dutiful young gentleman in the world could possibly 
 be when thwarted in his pursuits by the untimely inter- 
 position of his mamma. The genuine joy, however, ex- 
 pressed by my dear mother at my arrival, and the cordial 
 greetings of Sir Oliver, soon alleviated, if they failed to 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 53 
 
 dissipate entirely, iny chagrin. I say nothing of the 
 friendly shake of the hand vouchsafed me by the taciturn 
 captain, or the simpering congratulations of Miss Pyefinch, 
 who remarked, in the most flattering manner, that 
 " Master Stafford " (I was nearly twenty-two, and mea- 
 sured five feet eleven in my stockings) " has grown sur- 
 prisingly, and is very much improved altogether since I 
 saw him last." 
 
 I found the worthy baronet as stout, as jovial, and as 
 proud of his ancestry as ever; time, indeed, had laid a 
 lenient hand on him, and, but that his hair had begun to 
 assume the tint of the badger rather than that of the 
 raven, little difference was to be observed in his appear- 
 ance, from that which he had exhibited at the time when 
 I had first been presented to his notice. Not so Mrs. 
 Stafford ; her health had never been good since my 
 father's death, and it was with pain I now remarked that 
 she looked much thinner, and was evidently much weaker, 
 than when I had last quitted her ; but her spirits were still 
 good, much better indeed than I had long been accustomed 
 to see them, and her eye gleamed once more, occasionally, 
 with a portion of that playful fire which during the life- 
 time of her husband had marked its scintillations. 
 
 She was evidently much pleased at something; but 
 what that something was which afforded her so much 
 apparent satisfaction, remained a mystery not to be solved 
 till the following morning. I therefore repressed my 
 curiosity as I best might, and retired to my couch, in the 
 ardent hope of being visited in my dreams by enchanting 
 visions of iny fair but unknown enslaver. Sir Oliver had 
 forced on me certain rations of cold pork for supper. I 
 fell asleep, and dreamt of the devil and Mrs. Morgan. 
 
 At length 
 
 "The morn, in msset mantle clad, 
 Peep'd o'er the top of" our "high eastern hill." 
 
 After a breakfast which appeared to me to be unusually 
 protracted, I retired with my mother to her dressing- 
 room, there to receive from her a communication of those 
 weighty motives which had induced her to summon me 
 
54 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 thus abruptly. I learned that her so doing was the con- 
 sequence of a letter which she had lately received from a 
 paternal uncle of mine, of whom I had hitherto heard but 
 little, and seen nothing, General Lord Viscount Manning- 
 ham, the elder, and now the sole surviving brother of my 
 lamented father. 
 
 This epistle stated the fact of his lordship's arrival in 
 England, after an absence from his native land of many 
 years' duration, in the course of which time his paternal 
 affections had been severely lacerated, by witnessing a 
 fine and dearly-loved family of promising children yield- 
 ing, together with their mother, one by one, to the fatal 
 effects of a climate but too uncongenial with a European 
 constitution. Of three boys, and as many girls, one only 
 of the latter now remained to him ; and, trembling lest 
 the same dreadful cause which had robbed him in suc- 
 cession of her brothers and sisters should also deprive him 
 of this, now become his only hope, Lord Manningham had 
 relinquished the high and lucrative situation, and the 
 state, little short of regal, which he held in one of our 
 richest colonies, to seek once more the shores of his own 
 country, loaded, 'tis true, with wealth, but all too dearly 
 purchased by the loss of his wife and offspring. 
 
 Great indeed were the changes which the gallant vis- 
 count found had taken place during his long absence from 
 England. His two brothers were, both of them, no more ; 
 of all his once numerous relatives and connections my 
 mother and myself were the solitary survivors, neither of 
 whom he had, of course, ever beheld. His attachment to 
 his brothers, and to Charles especially, had been a strong 
 one ; and although the confined state of his own finances, 
 which in the earlier part of his career were altogether 
 unequal to the decent support of his rank, had prevented 
 his doing for him what his affection dictated, and indeed 
 forced him to sacrifice all his early habits and attachments 
 for the valuable appointment which eventually crowned 
 him with wealth as well as honour, still he ever enter- 
 tained the kindliest feelings to wauls hi.-? youngest brother, 
 and, as far as lay in his power, had aided his promotion, 
 by the exercise of all the interest he possessed j fully 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 55 
 
 determining, at the same time, to appropriate to his use 
 no niggard portion of that daily increasing property which 
 the gradual contraction of his own family circle rendered 
 the less necessary for his and their exclusive use. 
 
 Death, as we have already seen, had frustrated this 
 project ; and Colonel Stafford expired, comparatively 
 ignorant of his fraternal intentions ; but now that the 
 same cruel spoiler had robbed him also of those beloved 
 boys to whom he had once looked up as destined to 
 transmit his name and honours to posterity, Lord Man- 
 ningham recurred with greater warmth than ever to his 
 original design ; and, as the father was beyond the reach 
 of his benevolence, resolved to confer his benefits on the 
 son. In this intention he was the more confirmed, as 
 that son was now, by the failure of his own issue-male, 
 become heir-presumptive to the family title, and the last 
 possessor of the noble name of Stafford. 
 
 Such was the tenor of his epistle, which concluded with 
 the expression of an earnest desire to see him who was 
 destined to inherit his honours, and intimated that the 
 character he had already heard of his nephew, my 
 mother read me this part of the letter with a swelling 
 heart, in reply to the inquiries which he had instituted 
 respecting him, made him anxious that the meeting should 
 take place as soon as possible. 
 
 The letter, which, I need hardly say, was a very long 
 one, and couched in the handsomest and most affectionate 
 terms, contained also a pressing invitation to my mother, 
 urging her to accompany her son to Grosvenor Square, 
 as his engagements with ministers would, for a time, 
 render it impossible for the ex-governor himself to visit 
 the Hall ; a hint, too, was conveyed of an embryo plan, 
 the object of which was the union of the senior and junior 
 branches of the house of Stafford, by the marriage of the 
 two last remaining scions of the family. 
 
 Of all the proposals that could have been submitted to 
 her, it is doubtful if any one could have been recom- 
 mended of a nature more gratifying to rny mother than 
 the one thus alluded to. Lord Manning-haul's wealth 
 was now immense, and> being almost entirely of his own 
 
6 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 acquisition, was, of course, with the exception of the very 
 small entailed estate which went with the viscountcy, 
 completely at his own disposal. To me, indeed, a barren 
 title would descend ; but that, without the funds neces- 
 sary to support its dignity, might rather be considered as 
 a misfortune than a boon. An arrangement like the one 
 proposed would obviate every inconvenience. Report 
 spoke highly of the person and accomplishments of the 
 Honourable Miss Stafford, although (from her father's 
 time having been hitherto too much occupied since his 
 return to admit of his forming a suitable establishment) 
 she had not yet been introduced into general society, but 
 at the next birthday she was to be presented ; then, of 
 course, her career of fashion would commence, and, beyond 
 all doubt, numberless admirers among the votaries of ton 
 would rapidly present themselves in the train of the 
 possessor of so many charms, and the inheritrix of so 
 many rupees. On every account, therefore, my mother 
 was anxious that I should lose no time in securing to 
 myself an interest both with my noble uncle and his fair 
 daughter ; and nothing prevented her from at once 
 writing to me, and explaining the whole affair, but the 
 idea which she entertained that she could better expatiate 
 upon the advantages of such a match in a personal inter- 
 view, combined with a wish of hearing from my own lips 
 the pleasing assurance that my most earnest endeavours 
 should be forthwith applied to the realization of this her 
 most fondly-cherished hope. 
 
 Although naturally of a sanguine temperament, and 
 fully alive to all the advantages which rank and property 
 bestow 011 their possessor, there was nevertheless a some* 
 thing in all this which did not present itself to my view 
 in quite such glowing colours as it did to that of my 
 mother. To be thus unceremoniously disposed of, without 
 being even consulted on the subject, appeared to me 
 neither consistent with the respect I thought my due, 
 nor altogether reasonable. Miss Stafford might, for 
 aught I knew to the contrary, be all that my mother 
 represented her to be ; but then again she might not 
 or, if she were, I might not like her, or though self-love 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 57 
 
 whispered that was scarcely possible slie might not like 
 me. Nor should I be acting with candour were I to 
 deny that, had this proposal been made to me before I 
 quitted Oxford, it might have been viewed in a very 
 different light. At present the charms of the unknown 
 fair one certainly tended most materially to bias my in- 
 clinations ; and though I was not so far gone, either in 
 love or in romance, as at once to resolve on rejecting so 
 fair an offer, if offer that might be called which at most 
 was only an insinuation, still the recollection of the 
 tender yet modest glances I had encountered in the pit 
 of Covent Garden theatre undoubtedly contributed to 
 render me averse from a proposal, my acceptance of 
 which would of course preclude the possibility of any 
 further acquaintance with the object of my search, even 
 should I be fortunate enough to discover her retreat. 
 Nevertheless, I could not help feeling the force of Sir 
 Anthony Absolute's observation, " it is very unreasonable 
 to object to a lady whom you have never seen ;" and the 
 idea at the same moment occurring to me that my 
 attendance on Lord Manningham in town would be, 
 perhaps, the most efficacious method I could take to 
 make the discovery that lay so near my heart, I gave my 
 assent to the proposal that I should pay my uncle a visit, 
 not only without reluctance, but even with an alacrity, 
 to which an unwillingness to occasion so much pain to 
 my mother as I saw the expression of my real feelings on 
 the subject would give her, mainly contributed. 
 
 A sort of coxcombical feeling, that perhaps, after all, I 
 might like a young lady who, it was ten to one, might 
 not like me, aided in deciding the matter, and I " gave in 
 my adhesion " with a tolerably decent share of apparent 
 resignation. My mother, however, was not so blind as to 
 be insensible to my indifference on a subject which she 
 had fondly flattered herself would have elicited far more 
 vivid emotions ; still, as I expressed no disinclination to 
 the measure, remonstrance was impossible, and she con- 
 tented herself with re-stating, in the most persuasive 
 langoag^ of which she was mistress, the various and in- 
 calculable advantages attending the connection. Her 
 
58 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 endeavours were not wholly unsuccessful ; and after a 
 day principally spent in reflection upon all the jiros and 
 cons of the business, I went to repose with a resolution 
 of confirming my willingness to avail myself immediately 
 of his lordship's invitation, trusting to Providence and to 
 events as they might arise, to enable me either to accept 
 or decline the honour intended me. This I signified to 
 my mother before I retired for the night, in such terms 
 as again caused the beam of satisfaction and joy to sparkle 
 in her eye. On the following day I again pursued my 
 way towards that great emporium, of the wealth of the 
 Universe, which, as I firmly believed, contained, among 
 its other treasures, the paragon of her sex. Remember, 
 reader, I was then not twenty-two. 
 
 The weather on this occasion was still more boisterous 
 and unpleasant than on the day of my journey into the 
 country, but I neither marked its state nor felt the incon- 
 venience of it. The road, the prospects, the very post- 
 boys were all charming ; and, but that they were rather 
 slow, the horses themselves would have had the benefit of 
 that complacency with which I was now disposed to 
 regard all nature, animate and inanimate except Mrs. 
 Morgan. 
 
 My mother had provided me with an introductory 
 letter to Lord Manningham, expressing the satisfaction 
 she had experienced at finding the sole surviving brother 
 of her lamented Charles thus disposed to countenance and 
 support his widow and only child, while she deeply re- 
 gretted that the state of her own health was such as to 
 render so long a journey imprudent, not to say impossible, 
 on her part. Of me, her son, she spoke in the fondest 
 terms maternal affection could dictate, and conjured him, 
 by the love which, as his letter evinced, he had borne the 
 father, to extend that love to the son. She added her 
 eager coincidence in his half-expressed wish, and her 
 anxious hope that his lordship would pay her a visit, at 
 Underdown Hall, at the earliest opportunity which his 
 engagements would afford him. 
 
 A civil postscript from Sir Oliver, hacking the latter 
 request, completed this momentous despatch, which was 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 59 
 
 delivered into my safe keeping, sealed, in due form, with 
 a fine impression of the Bullwinkle arms, affixed by the 
 baronet himself, in a circle of sealing-wax the size of a 
 crown-piece. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 Assist ine, chaste Dian, the nymph to regain, 
 
 More fleet than the roebuck, and wing'd with disdain ; 
 
 The faster I follow, the faster she flies ; 
 
 Though Daphne 's pursued, 'tis Myrtillo that dies. 
 
 Duetto Affettuoso. 
 
 NO NEWS NOT ALWAYS GOOD NEWS. TWO HEADS NOT ALWAYS 
 BETTER THAN ONE. A SEARCH. A DISAPPOINTMENT. OFF SHE 
 GOES. TALLY-HO! A CHASE. A DOUBLE. FAIRLY THROWN OUT. 
 
 IT was late in the afternoon when I reached London ; 
 but no sooner had I deposited my baggage safely in my 
 old quarters, than I ran, without even changing my dress, 
 or taking any refreshment, to Jermyn Street. 
 
 My old friend Sally opened the door as usual; but her 
 countenance at once told me that she had nothing to 
 communicate. " Neither of the ladies had called since I 
 was there last," and of course she had as yet had 110 
 opportunity of earning the stipulated reward ; but " she 
 did not despair." Nor did I, though I could not he]p 
 feeling sorely disappointed. 
 
 Foiled once more, I returned to the hotel, and, having 
 seated myself in the coffee-room, was slowly pulling to 
 pieces and devouring the solitary muffin that accompanied 
 my cup of coffee, with all the vacant deliberation of 
 mental as well as corporeal lassitude, when a sudden slap 
 on the shoulder induced me to raise my ej^es, which im- 
 mediately encountered an oblique glance from those of 
 my Cousin Nicholas. 
 
 I know not whether I have before remarked that my 
 young relative, among his other accomplishments, pos- 
 
60 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 sessed that of squinting in its most perfect fashion ; 
 looking me, therefore, full in the face, while an ordinary 
 observer would have believed one of his eyes to be directed 
 to the opposite side of the room, and its fellow to the 
 muffineer in my hand 
 
 " Charles !" quoth he, " is it possible ? I thought you 
 had long ere this been at Uiiderdown ! What ! been 
 snug in town all the while ? eh, old Sobersides ? 
 Ferreting out some wench for a hundred ! The little 
 gipsy we picked up at the playhouse, eh 1 " 
 
 A very respectable portion of the best blood in my 
 veins rushed into my face, as I indignantly repelled this 
 injurious supposition, assuring my cousin, in tones of 
 greater asperity than usual, that, so far from having been 
 lying perdu in London, or engaged in any unworthy pur- 
 suit, I had actually been down to his father's, and was 
 indeed but just returned to town. 
 
 " Well, well, no great harm done, Cousin Charles, had 
 my guess been a true one, you might, perhaps, have been 
 worse employed. But how goes it with old Squaretoes, 
 and that dainty piece of dimity, Miss Kitty Pyefinch 1 
 Curse her nankeen countenance ! I thought she would 
 have kissed me when I left home, whether I would or 
 not." 
 
 " Nicholas," said I, " Sir Oliver is as well as I have 
 ever known him to be, together with all his friends, dis- 
 respectfully as you may choose to allude to some of 
 them ; but come, let me question you in my turn : 
 have you found out that is have you ever met again 
 with those ladies whom we saw that % evening at the 
 Oratorio, and followed to Jermyn Street ?" 
 
 " Not I that is not to speak to them. I fell in 
 with the young tit indeed yesterday, walking with her 
 bumpkin brother, but I cut them dead. Miss is too die- 
 away for me. The old girl would be a better speculation 
 by half, if she were not so deuced crummy." 
 
 " But where, my dear Nicholas where did you meet 
 with that charming I mean the girl you speak of 1 " 
 
 " Oh, in the Strand, yesterday morning ; and I dare 
 say she visits some people in that elegant neighbourhood, 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. Gl 
 
 for I saw her go into a house in one of the streets leading 
 from it down towards the river." 
 
 " Which street, my dear Nicholas 2" 
 
 " No, not Wych Street ; one of those on the other side 
 of the way ; 1 do not know that I can tell you the name 
 of it ; but, as you seem so anxious about the business, I 
 dare say I could point it out to you, and the house too, 
 for that matter, to-morrow." 
 
 "Anxious? no, not at all! But, seriously, my good 
 fellow, you will lay me under an essential obligation if 
 you can show me the house, as the lady left something in 
 my possession that evening, which, as a gentleman, I of 
 course wish to return." 
 
 " Why not go to her own house, then, at once, where 
 we saw her go in with her mother and Master Sappy, 
 after the music ? " 
 
 " Why, to tell you the truth, Nicholas, I have already 
 called there, and find that is not her residence, but merely 
 the abode of one of her friends." 
 
 " Well, Cousin Charles, I \yill help you as far as I can, 
 with all my heart. But why so close, man ? Why not 
 say at once that you have taken a fancy to the girl, and 
 want to beat up her quarters ? " 
 
 It was with no small difficulty that I could command 
 my temper sufficiently to listen to my cousin's sarcastic 
 innuendos, which, through the fear of losing what informa- 
 tion he might be able to give me, I dared not openly 
 resent. He saw his power, and used it most unmercifully, 
 tantalizing and tormenting me all the evening, in the 
 course of which he managed to draw from me the reasons 
 of my so sudden return to town, and my intended inter- 
 course with Lord Manningham's family. At length he 
 quitted me for the night, with a promise of accompanying 
 me early the next morning in pursuit of my lovely fugitive, 
 leaving me, however, still half in doubt whether he had 
 not been all along playing upon my credulity, and whether 
 the whole story of the rencontre in the Strand was not a 
 pure fiction of his own inventing. 
 
 Never did night appear so long as that which inter- 
 vened between this evening of my return and the following 
 
62 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 morning, which, as I fondly hoped, was destined to crown 
 my wishes with success. I sprang from my bed as soon 
 as the various sounds from below gave notice that the 
 business of the day was commencing ; and, having roused 
 my Cousin Nicholas, who slept in an adjoining chamber, 
 made a hasty toilet, and wandered up and down the 
 empty coffee-room till he should join me at breakfast, 
 which I ordered immediately, in. anticipation of his 
 instant appearance. 
 
 Twenty times had I compared the watch in my hand 
 with the dial in the room, twenty times had I turned 
 with eagerness to the door, through which Nicholas did 
 not enter, and full as often had I taken up and laid 
 down again the Morning Herald) of which I found it im- 
 possible at present to read six consecutive lines. Still he 
 came not. 
 
 At last, losing all patience, I once more flew up the 
 stairs that led to his chamber, with strides that would not 
 have disgraced an ogre. I burst into his room, and found 
 him fast asleep, as he was when I had called him an 
 hour and twelve minutes before. Human nature could 
 not endure this ; so, turning down the bed-clothes, and 
 laying violent hands upon the ewer, I threatened him 
 with a discipline similar to that inflicted on the unlucky 
 pickpocket, unless he immediately took the necessary 
 measures for accompanying me downstairs. This Mr. 
 Bullwinkle once more solemnly promised to do ; but I 
 was no longer in that state of patient acquiescence which 
 would have enabled me to rest satisfied with his plighted 
 faith. I therefore stationed myself obstinately by his 
 bedside till the great work of adorning and embellishing 
 his person was completed, an operation which I could 
 not at times help suspecting he took a malicious pleasure 
 in protracting to the latest possible period. 
 
 In spite of all his dela} 7 s, necessary and unnecessary, my 
 Cousin Nicholas was at length accoutred ; and after break- 
 fast, which he seemed to me to be an age in devouring, we 
 started off, arm-in-arm together, towards the Strand. But 
 here the demon of disappointment still pursued me : 
 Nicholas either could not, or would not, point out the 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. G3 
 
 precise street in which he had seen the object of my 
 search ; and after leading me in vain, up and clown every 
 street and lane between Temple Bar and Charing Cross, 
 provoldngly asserting as he entered each, that he " was 
 sure he was right at last," a prediction the fallacy of 
 which was proved the succeeding moment, he at length 
 fairly confessed that " his recollection had certainly failed 
 him for once, and that he really could not now tell which 
 was the identical street in question, though he was per- 
 fectly sure it must be one of them." 
 
 "Hope deferred," saitli the wise man, "maketh the 
 heart sick;" and, completely overcome with that uncom- 
 fortable sensation, I made but little resistance to the 
 proposal he now made, that we should adjourn for a while 
 to the nearest coffee-house and recruit. Many of my 
 readers will recollect one, of a third-rate description, 
 called the Hungerford, long since swept from the face of 
 the earth by the innovating hand of time, but which, at 
 the period of which I am speaking, stood on the north 
 side of the Strand, and nearly faced the market of the 
 same name, which still exists, and retains its appellation : 
 sed quantum mutatus ab illo ! Into this asylum did I 
 betake myself, weary and dispirited both in mind and 
 body, and seated myself opposite to my companion in one 
 of the boxes near the window. 
 
 My Cousin Nicholas called for a " basin of mock-turtle," 
 and I was persuaded to order another, rather with the view 
 of keeping him in countenance (though I must confess I 
 do not recollect having ever seen him out of countenance), 
 and of whiling away the time till his satiated appetite 
 should enable him to renew the search, than from any 
 inclination on my part to eat. The " two mocks for 
 number three" were at length despatched, and I was 
 settling with the slipshod waiter who had brought them, 
 for my cousin, as usual, had no silver, when an 
 exclamation from the latter at once took away all my 
 attention. 
 
 " There she goes, by G !" said Nicholas. 
 
 "Who? where f cried I, turning instantly to the 
 window, and throwing the waiter, who had just delivered 
 
64 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS, 
 
 me the change for a five-pound note, twice as much as lie 
 demanded. "As I live and breathe," quoth Nicholas, 
 " she is in that green chariot yonder;" and as he spoke 
 Ije made for the door. 
 
 I gave but one look down the street, saw a showy- 
 looking equipage proceeding at a brisk pace, and instantly 
 turning, scarce gave myself time to thrust the " flimsies," 
 as Nicholas called the one-pound notes, into my pocket- 
 book that lay on the table, ere I sprang after him. My 
 cousin was already in the street. 
 
 With a degree of rapidity worthy of notice in the annals 
 of pedestrianism, we made our way along that crowded 
 thoroughfare. The " green chariot " was still in view, 
 and we were fast gaining upon it, when, in crossing what 
 was then the end of St. Martin's Lane, I experienced the 
 truth of that homely but respectable proverb, " The more 
 haste, the less speed :" I stumbled and fell. It was but 
 the delay of a moment ; I was instantly on my legs again, 
 and followed the direction which my cousin declared the 
 chariot had taken ; but it was no longer in sight, and we 
 had reached the Opera-house, in breathless precipitation, 
 ere my companion stopped short and observed, " he was 
 afraid he must have been mistaken after all, and that the 
 carriage had turned down towards Parliament Street." 
 
 It was but too true ; we had, indeed, in the sports- 
 man's phrase, " overridden the hounds ;" and I was cursing 
 the ill-luck that seemed to delight in persecuting me, when 
 a transient glimpse ot Nicholas's face for the first time 
 induced a suspicion of his sincerity. There was in the 
 expression of his countenance a something which conveyed 
 at once to my mind a strong idea that he had purposely 
 misled me, though wherefore it was impossible for me to 
 conjecture. 
 
 "Bullwinkle !" said I, stopping short and fixing my 
 eyes upon him, " you are deceiving me. They came not 
 this way, and you know it " 
 
 " Upon my life, I fear so," returned he in an unembar- 
 rassed tone, while his villanous obliquity of vision defied 
 the inquisitorial glance I endeavoured to fix upon his 
 eyes ; " I really think we must be wrong," he continued ; 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 65 
 
 "but no matter : a girl like her is easily unkennelled, if 
 a man sets about the search in earnest. Come, come, 
 Stafford, give up the chase for to-day, man. You have 
 plenty of time before you ; and a few of the mopusses, 
 properly administered, will soon ferret her out, I warrant 
 you ; or, at all events, they will find you another as good. 
 I should like nothing better than to stay and lend you a 
 helping hand, for this sort of adventure is rather in my 
 way ; but 
 
 ' Stern Necessity's severe decree 
 No more permits the willing choice to me ! ' 
 
 as Kitty Pyefinch says. I must be off to Oxford again 
 to-morrow, for I have been ill there so long, that, by 
 Jove, they may take it into their infernally compassionate 
 heads to look in and see whether I am alive or not. So, 
 come, a dish of fish, a cutlet, and one bottle of Burgundy 
 to wash it down, and then I leave you to discover and 
 arrange matters, if you can, with this invisible insensible 
 whom you have never seen but once, and prosecute your 
 embryo amour with the delectable cousin whom you have 
 never seen at all. For me, I am off once more inter 
 sylvas academi qucerere verum." 
 
 His open, unembarrassed manner staggered, if it did 
 not entirely remove, my suspicions. I was already 
 fatigued with walking the whole of the day, and accom- 
 panied him, therefore, the more readily to the Bedford, 
 resolving to renew my search the *ext morning, and to 
 leave no stone unturned to accomplish a discovery which, 
 the more that obstacles were thrown in its way, I seemed 
 the more eagerly to desire. 
 
66 
 
 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 If I be I, as I suppose I be, 
 
 I've got a little dog at home, and he knows me : 
 
 If I be I, he will wag his little tail, 
 
 But it I be not I, he will then bark and rciil. 
 
 LITTLE WOMAN. 
 
 MORE MYSTERY. AN ARRIVAL. AN AGREEABLE RENCONTRE. AN- 
 OTHER NOT SO AGREEABLE. SEEING IS NOT ALWAYS BELIEVINC. 
 A "ROW." WESTWARD HO ! LONG LOOKED TOR, FOUND AT LAST. 
 
 ON rising the following morning, I found that Nicholas 
 had for once kept faith : he had already started for Oxford, 
 nor was I at all sorry for the circumstance. Indeed, I 
 could not fail to call to mind the notorious propensity to 
 mischief which he had displayed from a boy a propensity 
 which, instead of wearing out and disappearing as he ad- 
 vanced in years, had, as I well knew, 
 
 "Grown with his growth, and strengthen'd with his strength." 
 
 The more I considered his conduct during the preceding 
 day, the more I became convinced that I had been his 
 dupe throughout ; and that at the very moment when he 
 seemed to be most earnest in assisting my inquiries, he 
 was in reality laughiffg at me in his sleeve, and enjoying 
 my perplexity and disappointment. His absence, there- 
 fore, I felt as a positive relief, rather than as an incon- 
 venience ; and I accordingly prepared to renew my 
 researches by myself, deriving added confidence from the 
 want of that very auxiliary on whom I had, only the day 
 before, placed so much dependence. But before I again 
 set out on my Quixotic expedition, busy memory interfered 
 most officiously, and brought to my view, in very prominent 
 colours, the ostensible purpose for which 1 had returned 
 to London the plighted promise I had given to my 
 mother, that I would forthwith seek out my noble uncle 
 and his fair daughter. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 67 
 
 Mrs. Stafford would, I knew, be exceedingly anxious 
 to hear of my arrival and domestication in Lord Manning- 
 Lam's family. One day's delay might, fairly enough, be 
 attributed to fatigue, &c. ; but a second would hardly 
 admit of such, or indeed of any, excuse. I, therefore, 
 though not without a feeling of reluctance almost amount- 
 ing to aversion, determined to go and present my letter 
 of introduction to the " Honourable Amelia Stafford," and 
 her lordly papa. But here I soon found I was reckoning 
 without my host \ the epistle so carefully indited by my 
 mother, so much more carefully sealed and superscribed 
 by Sir Oliver, and most carefully, as I imagined, deposited 
 by myself within the voluminous folds of a patent pocket- 
 book was nowhere to be found. 
 
 In vain did I ransack the contents of the aforesaid 
 pocket-book, in which I could have ventured to swear I 
 had placed it with my own hand, and whence nothing but 
 the fact of the book's never having been for one moment 
 out of my possession since my departure from Underdown 
 could prevent my believing it to have been abstracted. 
 In vain did I, as it were, eviscerate every fold and every 
 pocket the letter had totally disappeared. 
 
 After a long-continued but fruitless search, I was 
 endeavouring to recollect whether I might not, after all, 
 in the hurry of my return, have left this fateful billet on 
 my dressing-table at the hall, when the conviction at once 
 struck me that I had, immediately on receiving it from 
 rny mother, placed it directly in my pocket-book, together 
 with two others, one from Sir Oliver to his man of busi- 
 ness, and one from Miss Kitty Pyefinch, " favoured 
 by C. Stafford, Esq." to a milliner in Barbican, with 
 whom she had some time before scraped an acquaintance 
 at a watering-place, and had since regularly corresponded, 
 once at least in every year, on the subject of the newest 
 fashions. This last-named and most precious charge I 
 had, immediately on my arrival in London, consigned to 
 the vortex of the twopenny-post, and now I began to 
 tremble, lest, inadvertently, I might have committed the 
 missing epistle to the same receptacle ; but this, I soon 
 perceived, could not have been the case, as, on a re-exami- 
 v 
 
G8 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 nation, I not only found my uncle's letter to his agent, 
 but also another in the closest juxta-position to it, evi- 
 dently usurping the place of the deficient billet. This 
 was a supernumerary of which I had no recollection, and 
 was addressed to " James Arbuthnot, Esq., British Coffee- 
 house, Cockspur Street." 
 
 Who on earth Mr. James Arbuthnot could possibly bo, 
 or how a letter directed to him could find its way into 
 my pocket, was to me as absolute a mystery as the quadra- 
 ture of the circle, the determination of the longitude, or 
 the discovery of the philosopher's stone. There, however, 
 it was, and, as the seal was already broken, I felt little 
 compunction in intruding upon the privacy of a gentleman 
 who had some how or other contrived, most unwittingly 
 on my side, to make me a party to his correspondence. 
 
 The contents of the letter were as follow : 
 
 " SIR, I vas to meet you at de Tennis Court on 
 Vensday, as you tell me, about that leetle annuity, bote 
 you vas not come. The business can't be done all so 
 cheap as vat I thought ; bote if the gentlemans vas aboie 
 seventy, den I can get my frend to do de post obit at 
 twenty- six. Yours most obediently, 
 
 " AARON XniExrs. 
 
 " P.S. The premiums will only be six and a half." 
 
 Never did response, written or unwritten, from the 
 Pythian Tripod, or any other oracle of antiquity, exercise 
 the wits of curious inquirer more than did this mystic 
 scroll puzzle and perplex my wondering faculties. Difti- 
 cult as it was to decipher the heiroglyphics themselves, 
 their purport, and, above all, the mode in which they 
 could have insinuated themselves into their present situa- 
 tion, was still more mysterious. The more I racked my 
 brain to account for it, the more bewildered I became. 
 One thing, however, was certain, and, when I came to 
 reflect more coolly upon the matter, I was not altogether 
 sorry for it, the letter to Lord Manningham was un- 
 doubtedly lost, and I therefore hesitated not to 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. CO 
 
 myself of tliis circumstance to defer my visit to Grosvenor 
 Square, contenting myself with writing to my mother, 
 informing her of the occurrence, and requesting that she 
 would cause my room at the Hall to be examined for the 
 missing epistle, and that, in the event of its not being 
 forthcoming, she would furnish me with a new set of 
 credentials. The time which must necessarily intervene I 
 determined to employ in a renewed and energetic pursuit 
 after my incognita. 
 
 I did not in the mean time forget to make inquiries in. 
 Cockspur Street after " James Arbuthnot, Esq." A gen- 
 tleman of that name had, as I was told, occasionally slept 
 there, and letters were sometimes left at the bar for him ; 
 but he had not been there lately, nor did they recollect 
 that any letter whatever had been taken in for him for 
 some time. With this information, meagre and unsatis- 
 factory as it was, I was obliged for the present to remain 
 contented. My mornings were passed in parading the 
 streets, my evenings in visiting various places of amuse- 
 ment, in the vain hope of once more encountering the 
 idol of my imagination. The day passed by on which I 
 might have received an answer from my mother : but it 
 came not, and I rejoiced in the delay. On the fifth even- 
 ing, I was sitting, as usual, after a long and useless pere- 
 grination, execrating my unlucky stars, and revolving a 
 thousand plans, each more visionary than the last, for the 
 attainment of my object, when Sir Oliver Bull winkle, in 
 his own proper person, entered the coffee-room. 
 
 Had the spectre of the revered Sir Roger risen from 
 the superincumbent dust of ages, in all his Norman 
 panoply, and presented himself before me, refulgent in 
 chain mail, I could scarcely have received the visitation 
 with a more theatric start. 
 
 That any circumstance at all short of an earthquake, or 
 the stoppage of a country bank, could have possessed suffi- 
 cient interest to draw the good baronet thirty miles from 
 home, I could never have conceived ; but to the metro- 
 polis ! to that scene of villany, fraud, and ignorance ! 
 ay, of ignorance, for " what can people know, that is worth 
 knowing, who never go a-hunting above once a year, and 
 
70 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 then only on an Easter Tuesday in a hackney-coach ! " This 
 had frequently formed a favourite theme of discourse for 
 my uncle on a winter's evening, at Underdown Hall, espe- 
 cially after the news contained in some recent missive 
 from Miss Kitty's city correspondent had been duly de- 
 tailed and commented upon by that erudite fair. Much 
 then did I marvel at seeing the baronet, despite the 
 sovereign contempt he ever felt and expressed for them, 
 thus mixing with the " ignoramuses " of London ; and not 
 a little did I speculate upon the magnitude of that cause 
 which could operate to the voluntary introduction of his 
 person among so barbarous a race. 
 
 But the half-ironical smile which had begun to contract 
 the corners of my mouth expanded at once into an expres- 
 sion of the most unfeigned gratitude, when I found that 
 the moral convulsion which had divorced the kind soul 
 from his household gods, and plunged him thus headlong 
 into scenes which he abominated, was neither more nor 
 less than the anxiety which he felt for the welfare of 
 my unworthy self. The receipt of my letter had caused 
 much consternation at the Hall ; that from my mother to 
 Lord Manningham could nowhere be found in the places 
 which I had desired might be searched ; and my affec- 
 tionate parent had determined, after a long and fruitless 
 inquiry on the subject, on recommencing her task, when, 
 to the utter surprise of herself and everybody else, Sir 
 Oliver suddenly announced his resolution of being the 
 bearer of it. 
 
 " The boy," he said, " was clearly not able to make his 
 way in town like a man every one might have seen, too, 
 when he was last down at the Hall, that his wits were 
 gone wool-gathering and he would go and see him well 
 through the business himself." It is needless to say that 
 his offer was accepted with the liveliest gratitude by a 
 mother anxious for the well-being of her child, though 
 more than a doubt would sometimes cross her mind, if her 
 brother's personal interference could, in the present case 
 at least, contribute to it ; but the good-humoured eager- 
 ness to be of service to me which he displayed, and the 
 vehement invectives he launched forth against the villany 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 71 
 
 and temptations of London in the abstract (of which in 
 the detail he had about as much knowledge and experi- 
 ence as a child of four years old, or a native of Timbuctoo), 
 made Mrs. Stafford contented, nay, even anxious that he 
 should set out forthwith to cover me with his protecting 
 segis, and ward off the dangers with which the loss of so 
 valuable an article as a letter of introduction declared me 
 necessarily to be surrounded. My poor uncle was about 
 as well fitted for the task of guiding a youth through the 
 labyrinthian ways of London, as of being Mufti to the 
 Sublime Porte ; but he thought otherwise, and his motives 
 were the kindliest and most affectionate. Peace be with 
 his ashes ! 
 
 With much circumlocution, and an air of fatherly pro- 
 tection, to me, who knew the worthy baronet's habits so 
 well, irresistibly ludicrous, he communicated his inten- 
 tions in coming to London, and, felicitating both me and 
 himself most warmly on his having so readily met with 
 me, expressed his determination of taking a quiet pipe 
 and a tankard, as he had dined upon the road, and of 
 postponing matters of business until the morrow. 
 
 There was much, however, in this arrangement of Sir 
 Oliver's objectionable, not to say impracticable. In the 
 first place, not even a cigar (to say nothing of tobacco- 
 pipes) was allowed in the room, nor was " a tankard " 
 much more accessible ; besides, the social " dish of chat " 
 with me, which he seemed to consider an appendage of 
 course, would have interfered very materially with the 
 plan I had already chalked out for the evening. Not- 
 withstanding my numerous disappointments, hope had not 
 yet entirely forsaken me ; and I had fully resolved on 
 visiting one, at least, of the theatres, as usual, in the faint 
 expectation of being able to recover among the audience 
 some traces of the beautiful phantom which had hitherto 
 eluded me. I had nothing for it, therefore, but to state 
 plainly to Sir Oliver the impossibility of his gratifying him- 
 self at present in the manner proposed, and to solicit his 
 joining me in a cup of coffee, and subsequent adjourn- 
 ment to Drury Lane ; after which I pledged myself to 
 accompany him to a place where, amidst less sophisticated 
 
72 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS 
 
 souls, he iniglit solace himself to satiety with his favourite 
 beverage and amusement. With much the same sort of 
 surly acquiescence as that with which a traveller sur- 
 renders to a footpad the purse he had no means of with- 
 holding, Sir Oliver, finding me positive, gave a grumbling 
 assent, and to Druiy Lane we proceeded. 
 
 Many years had elapsed since the baronet had visited 
 the interior of a London theatre, and the brilliancy of the 
 lights, the elegance of the house, the beauty of the 
 scenery and decorations, together with the business of the 
 stage, had an effect almost bewildering upon his faculties. 
 Mine, too, were scarcely more at liberty, since, in hearing 
 and replying to his various remarks and multifarious 
 questions, my own senses were so completely occupied as 
 to leave a person less interested than myself little leisure 
 or opportunity for the scrutiny which was my real induce- 
 ment to attend the performance. By degrees, indeed, in 
 listening to and answering Sir Oliver's very original ob- 
 servations, the main purpose of my coming had almost 
 faded from my memory, when it was at once most forcibly 
 brought to my recollection by an apparition in an opposite 
 box, which acted upon me with the effect of a galvanic 
 battery. This was the gaunt figure of the ever-to-be- 
 abominated Mrs. Morgan, seated in close confabulation 
 with the supposed mamma of my unknown charmer, in a 
 front row on the second tier. 
 
 Not a little to the astonishment, and the very visible 
 dismay, of Sir Oliver, I cut him hastily short in an 
 elaborate harangue on the wonderful properties of gas, and 
 the ingenuity of its, then recent, introduction into our 
 national theatres, and briefly telling him that I had just 
 caught sight of a college acquaintance, in an opposite box, 
 whom I particularly wished to speak to, begged his excuse 
 for a few minutes, while I should make to my friend a 
 communication of some consequence ; then, pledging 
 myself to rejoin him in a quarter of an hour at farthest, 
 I gave him no time to utter the objection I saw already 
 hovering on his lips, but bowed and left him, running, 
 with all the eagerness of a boy after a butterfly, towards 
 the place which contained the object of my pursuit. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 73 
 
 Never did weary palmer, after a long and laborious 
 pilgrimage, enter the shrine of his patron saint with more 
 of satisfaction, awe, and reverence, than filled my palpi- 
 tating bosom as I seated myself behind Mrs. Morgan and 
 her friend. A significant glance passed between them as 
 I entered, and, with a voice faltering from emotion, paid 
 my compliments to both. My reception from either party 
 was sufficiently cool to have rebuffed any one who had 
 less imperious motives for cultivating an acquaintance. 
 Their replies to my remarks, and congratulations upon 
 their good looks, were cold, constrained, and barely within 
 the bounds of civility ; while the sarcastic expression of 
 Mrs. Morgan's eye, when I at last hazarded an inquiry to 
 her companion after the health of " the young lady whom. 
 I once had the happiness of seeing in her company," 
 showed me at once that the motives of my attentions 
 were, by her at least, duly appreciated. 
 
 I failed not also to perceive that this question put the 
 good lady to whom it was addressed into no small flutter ; 
 she fumed and fidgeted, and appeared so uneasy during 
 every allusion I made to the subject of our former meet- 
 ing, and evaded giving me any direct answer so very 
 inartificially, that I no longer imagined, what I had never 
 indeed entirely believed, that any maternal ties, at all 
 events, existed between her and my charmer ; I felt con- 
 vinced, on the contrary, that a secret of some kind or 
 other, and evidently one very burdensome in the keeping, 
 prevented her from giving me all the information I re- 
 quired. I employed all the address I was master of to 
 overcome their undisguised dislike to my society, and by 
 my perseverance had at length so far succeeded in thaw- 
 ing the ice, even of the frosty-faced Morgan, as to induce 
 her to reply to my remarks in a tone which might almost 
 have been considered as approaching to civility ; I had 
 begun to flatter myself that I should obtain by sap what 
 had defied my efforts at storming I had actually gained 
 so much as to discover that the name of my friend on the 
 left hand was Wilkinson, and that she filled the important 
 situation of housekeeper in a family of rank at the " West 
 End of the Town " when a bustle in the box which I 
 
74 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 had quitted forcibly drew off my attention. A momen- 
 tary glance was sufficient to satisfy me that the principal 
 actor in the disturbance was Sir Oliver Bullwinkle. 
 
 That he was engaged in a serious dispute with some 
 one, the vehemence of the good baronet's gesticulation 
 would not allow me to doubt, while now and then an 
 upper note of his, audible in preponderating shrillness, 
 above all the forcible recommendations to " Turn 'em 
 out ! " and " Throw 'em over ! " generally applied on 
 such occasions by the denizens of the upper regions, in the 
 forlorn hope of transferring objects of annoyance from 
 themselves to their friends below, confirmed the fact. 
 The person of the antagonist, who appeared to have 
 drawn down upon himself such a torrent of wrath and 
 vituperation from the exasperated baronet, was concealed 
 from my view by the intervening bystanders, some of 
 whom seemed, by their gestures, inclined to take an 
 active part in the fray. Every feeling of my mind natu- 
 rally revolted against seeing my uncle, although, as I 
 knew, " himself a host," thus matched single-handed 
 against such apparently fearful odds, and I hastened to 
 his assistance, first apologizing to my new friends for my 
 abruptness in quitting them, and begging permission to 
 return and escort them home at the conclusion of the 
 performance. 
 
 Whether my very polite offer met with acceptance or 
 denial, I am unable to say, as at that moment I fancied I 
 saw Sir Oliver's arm raised in the act of striking, and, 
 without waiting to distinguish the answer, I closed the 
 box-door, and ran off. 
 
 On arriving at the supposed scene of combat, I found 
 I was just too late for the fray : my uncle's opponent, 
 having been carried off by a friend just as the dispute had 
 reached its climax, was already descending one of the 
 staircases that led to the lobbies. I saw nothing of his 
 person, save that a casual glance showed me a figure 
 wrapped up in a light- coloured riding-coat, while some 
 broken exclamations, uttered either by himself or his 
 companion, respecting the " old fellow's infernal impu- 
 dence," were alone distinguishable. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 75 
 
 A considerable degree of confusion still prevailed within 
 the box, and, as Sir Oliver's safety was my first object., to 
 that point I of course directed my attention. I found the 
 baronet, with a face as red a peony, fuming and perspiring 
 at every pore, while, with all the vehemence of a Metho- 
 dist preacher at a country wake, he was alternately 
 remonstrating and insisting on his right to chastise some 
 one who appeared to have incurred the heaviest weight of 
 his displeasure, and this to the great amusement of a por- 
 tion of his audience, and the marked indignation of others. 
 As his eye fell upon me, he changed the object of his 
 attack. 
 
 " So, sir, here you are at last ! This is your ten 
 minutes, is it ? Why were you not here, sir, to have 
 broken that puppy's neck ?" . 
 
 " Be calm, my dear Sir Oliver, let me beg you to be 
 calm ; consider where you are, and " 
 
 " Consider the d 1, sir. Calm ! I will never be calm 
 again. I have a right to be in a passion, and I will. 
 Abuse me like a pickpocket ! threaten to pull my nose ! 
 a Bullwinkle's nose ! I'll massacre the rascal, I'll " 
 
 " My dear uncle, pray let me persuade you to withdraw; 
 your antagonist is gone already : in a fitter place we 
 can talk this matter over, and if any one has insulted 
 you " 
 
 " Insulted me ! didn't I tell you he swore he would 
 pull my nose? threatened to horsewhip inel" 
 
 " Well, well, uncle, pray let us retire ; this person, 
 whoever he may be, is undoubtedly to be found, and 
 doubt not but I shall be ready " 
 
 " You be ready ! you be d ! Found ! What ! I 
 
 suppose you mean to join in the plot to persuade me out 
 of my senses you, too, mean to confederate with that imp 
 of the devil's begetting, Nicholas, to drive me mad !" 
 
 " Indeed, sir, I do not ; I know nothing of my cousin's 
 plans, nor do I see how he can be at all concerned in the 
 present business, as he is now at Oxford." 
 
 " It's a lie it's an infernal lie the scoundrel ! it was 
 
 Nick, and I'll swear it. But I'll work the dog ! D 
 
 him ! I'll disinherit him I'll not leave him. so much land 
 
76 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 as would fill a flower-pot a rascal ! horse wliip me ! pull 
 my nose !" 
 
 I was thunderstruck ! My Cousin Nicholas then was 
 the object of all this excess of indignation but it was 
 impossible Nicholas, with all his addiction to mischief, 
 could never have gone such lengths as Sir Oliver spoke 
 of; besides, I was morally certain that he had now been 
 at Oxford more than a week. At all events, the point to 
 be gained at present was to get my uncle away ; and this, 
 partly through the assistance of Sir John Allanby, a 
 college friend who had once accompanied me on a visit to 
 the Hall, and who at this period joined me, I at length 
 succeeded in accomplishing. 
 
 We adjourned to the New Hummums, Sir Oliver 
 absolutely foaming with rage, like a fresh-drawn bottle of 
 his favourite Edinburgh ale in the dog-days. He was, 
 indeed, " completely up." Having obtained a private room, 
 and ordered some refreshment, I allowed my uncle's fury 
 some time to evaporate in, before I hazarded a question 
 as to the origin of his discomposure. After a slight 
 repast, at which the baronet, in spite of his anger, played 
 his part to admiration, a plentiful supply of his favourite 
 beverage soothed him into some degree of returning 
 mansuetude, till the ebullition of his fury at length " in 
 hollow murmurs died away." 
 
 Then, and not till then, did I venture a query as to the 
 particulars of his adventure, and learned, amidst many 
 interruptions, occasioned by his oft rekindling ire, that I 
 had not quitted his side five minutes before a person in a 
 drab riding-frock entered the box, whom Sir Oliver, not- 
 withstanding his dress, which was cut in the very extreme 
 of the fashion, his dark moustaches and military spurs, at 
 once recognized as his own son. 
 
 "Nick!" cried Sir Oliver in amaze, "Nick, can I 
 believe my eyes? What the d 1 are you doing here, 
 sir, when I believed you to be hard at your studies '? 
 Nick, I say, come back directly, you rascal, and answer 
 me." 
 
 The gentleman whom he addressed, having merely cast 
 a cursory glance round the theatre, was retiring, when the 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 77 
 
 latter part of the baronet's speech caught his attention. 
 For an instant he paused, half turning to a friend who 
 leaned upon his arm, as if under the impression that the 
 words must have been directed to him ; but seeing no 
 indication in his countenance of that having been the 
 case, lie once more faced about, and asked, in a tone of 
 astonishment, " Did you address yourself to me, sir 1 " 
 
 " To you, sir 1 ay, to be sure whom else do you think 
 I spoke to ? I tell you what, Nick " 
 
 " Really, sir, you have the advantage of me," inter- 
 rupted the other ; " I do not recollect that I have ever 
 had the honour of your acquaintance." 
 
 "Why, you impertinent puppy !" thundered Sir Oliver, 
 lost in amaze at what he conceived to be the unparalleled 
 impudence of his own offspring, " do you mean to deny 
 me 1 Do you mean to tell me to my face that you are 
 not my son, Nicholas Bull winkle 1 " 
 
 " Upon rny.word, sir, I lament to say that I am not 
 fortunate enough to possess so mild and engaging a papa," 
 returned his antagonist, whose surprise at this attack 
 seemed now to be fast merging in the amusement he 
 began to derive from it ; " and I much fear," added he, 
 " that even if I were inclined to admit your claim to 
 paternity, and to solicit your blessing in the hope of soon 
 enjoying a thumping legacy, my mamma would by no 
 means be disposed to sanction your pretensions, being, as 
 she is, already provided with a respectable elderly gentle- 
 man, whom she has long since honoured with the title of 
 lorti and master, and complimented as the author of my 
 being. Eh ? Sybthorpe, what think you V 
 
 "Ho! ho! ho! Famous, Tommy, 'pon honour!" 
 shouted Mr. Sybthorpe. 
 
 Horace has with great truth, as well as shrewdness, 
 observed, that 
 
 " Segnifrs irritant aniraos demissa per aurem, 
 Quam qiue sunt oculis subjecta fidelibus ;" 
 
 and my uncle, in this trying moment, confirmed the truth 
 of the poet's testimony. Had any one told Sir Oliver 
 that his son Nicholas had slipped away from college, and 
 
78 JIY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 taken a clandestine trip to London, in all probability the 
 account would have been received without much mani- 
 festation of surprise, and with no great degree of indigna- 
 tion against what, if we may draw any inference from his 
 usual mode of reasoning on hearing of any of my cousin's 
 freaks, he would, in all probability, have considered as 
 a youthful frolic, not altogether unbecoming a " lad of 
 spirit." But when he found himself, as he supposed, 
 most unexpectedly brought into immediate contact with 
 him in the very act of his delinquency, and, above all, 
 laughed at, absolutely disowned, and, to use a favourite 
 phrase of his own, " made quite a May-game of" by his 
 lively offspring ; when, too, it is recollected that he, in 
 general, only approved of, and smiled at, Nicholas's flights 
 of fancy, so long as his wit was directed against others, it 
 need occasion no surprise if his anger now knev." ii'j 
 bounds, but amounted almost to frenzy. It was with 
 difficulty he found words to express his feelings with, but 
 when they did come forth, they rushed along in an ani- 
 mated flow of overbearing eloquence, as the long pent-up 
 torrent, having once surmounted the barriers opposed to 
 it, springs forward with tenfold energy from the tempo- 
 rary restraint it has experienced. Stunning as was its 
 effect, the stranger, whom he persisted in calling his son, 
 once more met him in midway ; but his countenance had 
 now lost the ironical gravity which gave point to his last 
 speech, and assumed a severer cast, as he exclaimed, 
 " Hold, Mr. Bullwinkle, if that be your name. I see 
 your mistake, and can pardon it, as it seems to arise fit>m 
 a resemblance, real or fancied, between myself and some 
 member of your family. On that account, as well as in 
 consideration of your age and respectable appearance, I 
 can excuse the language which you have just suffered to 
 escape your lips ; but, sir, it must not be repeated. If 
 you wish to know my name, it is Hanbury, sir Captain 
 
 Hanbury, of the Coldstream Guards " 
 
 " It is a lie ! it's Nicholas Bullwinkle, and nothing 
 else," roared Sir Oliver, half- mad with passion " but 111 
 be even with you, you scoundrel ; I'll disinherit you, you 
 ungrateful dog ; I'll cut you off with a shilling ; 111 " 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 79 
 
 " Silence ! old madman," cried the now angry officer ; 
 " another such word, and not even your years shall 
 protect your shoulders from my horsewhip, or your 
 nose from an application that may bring you to your 
 senses !" 
 
 This was too bad ; and the baronet, in the excess of 
 his rage, raised his cane, but the impending blow was 
 immediately intercepted by the spectators, who now 
 interfered, and compelled Sir Oliver to desist, while 
 Captain Hanbury, though not a little irritated, was pre- 
 vailed upon by his friend Sybthorpe and others, just as I 
 came up, to withdraw, nor continue an altercation with 
 an old man, who was either mad or drunk, and one which 
 could not but end discreditably to all concerned, if it 
 were any farther pursued. 
 
 The principal part of these particulars I drew from Sir 
 John Allan by, who, from an adjoining box, had witnessed 
 a great part of the dispute ; for Sir Oliver, though his 
 wrath was somewhat abated, in the violence of its expres- 
 sion at least, was still too angry to give anything like a 
 connected account of the fracas. 
 
 Two things struck me as being very unaccountable in 
 this business, nor, after cool consideration, could I come 
 to any decided opinion upon the merits of the case. In 
 the first place, it was exceedingly improbable that a 
 father could have been so deceived by any common simi- 
 larity of person as to pronounce, and persist in declaring, 
 an absolute stranger to be his only son ; that in figure, 
 in voice, in countenance (barring the whiskers, which 
 might have been assumed), the resemblance should be so 
 perfect as to impose upon one so well qualified to judge 
 of the identity, was hardly to be conceived. And yet, 
 on the other hand, every other circumstance tended to 
 support the probability that a strong personal likeness 
 had indeed deceived Sir Oliver. The whole conduct of 
 the individual attacked was precisely that of a man mis- 
 taken for another of whom he has no knowledge ; and 
 his behaviour, though on such a supposition it might 
 even be entitled to the praise of forbearance, was still 
 not such as a son, however well inclined he might be to 
 
80 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 carry on a deception of the kind, could be imagined 
 capable of practising towards a parent. It was impos- 
 sible to believe that even Nicholas could threaten to 
 violate the sanctity of a father's person, or dare to 
 menace his gray hairs with indignity and outrage. Then, 
 too, the name Captain Hanbury, if such he were, had 
 made no secret of his rank and character, while the 
 proximity of the honourable corps of which he professed 
 himself a member, laid him open, if an impostor, to almost 
 immediate detection. 
 
 This last argument, I must confess, weighed most 
 strongly with rue, as I could not bring myself to believe 
 that the natural sagacity of Nicholas would ever allow 
 him to commit himself so far as to assume a name, his 
 pretensions to which might be so easily and so soon dis- 
 proved. At my suggestion, after the matter had been 
 pretty well canvassed, the Army List for the month was 
 procured from the coffee-room, and examined ; and there 
 certainly, among the number of lieutenants in the Cold- 
 streams, all bearing of course the rank of captain, stood 
 the name of Thomas Walton Hanbury. This fact tended 
 much to incline me towards the latter opinion ; and Sir 
 Oliver himself, now that the object of his wrath was 
 removed from his view, was, as I could see, staggered, 
 especially when Allanby, repeating the name two or 
 three times over, as if to aid some faded recollection, 
 declared that he had a vague idea of having somewhere 
 or other either met with, or heard of, a Captain Hanbury 
 of the Guards, and that the impression upon his mind 
 was, that the person who bore that name was a young 
 man of family and honour, though said to be rather too 
 much addicted to enjoying, in their fullest extent, the 
 pleasures afforded by the metropolis. 
 
 At this account, Sir Oliver, in whose opinion Sir John 
 held a high rank, became evidently more thoughtful and 
 embarrassed. At length he exclaimed, " I'll tell yoii 
 what, nephew Charles, nothing on earth but my own 
 eyes shall ever convince me that the jackanapes who 
 threated to pull my nose two hours ago was not my 
 Nick ! But I'll be resolved : Yes, before I utterly send 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 81 
 
 him to the d 1, I'll be resolved. I'll hamper the puppy. 
 My determination is taken. By daybreak to-morrow, 
 I'll be off to Oxford, and woe betide the rascal, if I find 
 that he has been outside the college" gates for this month 
 past !" 
 
 There is a particular breed of animals, which courtesy 
 forbids me to name, proverbial for the resistance they 
 oppose to any one who would lead or drive them. Sir 
 Oliver, when his resolution was once taken, was scarcely 
 less persevering than the most obstinate porker of them 
 all. In vain did I suggest the avowed reason of his 
 coming to town, and the anxiety I laboured under to be 
 properly introduced to Lord Manningham, though, sooth 
 to say, I was not altogether sorry for what I considered 
 as at least a respite, if not a reprieve. My uncle was 
 positive ; and after having opposed him as long as I 
 thought decency required, I was at length obliged to 
 acquiesce in his determination. He put into my hands 
 the re-written letter of my mother, which he told me I 
 might present myself on the morrow if I pleased ; and I 
 heard him, with no small satisfaction, on our return to 
 the hotel, order a post-chaise to be in readiness the next 
 morning at five o'clock, to carry him the first stage on 
 his way to Alma Mater. When I rose the next day, I 
 found that he had been gone four hours, and was by that 
 time about half-way on the road to the place of his 
 destination. 
 
 JLet not the reader think, meanwhile, that I had for- 
 gotten my engagement with Mesdames Wilkinson and 
 Morgan. Far from it. I had taken advantage of a 
 temporary cessation in the conversation, while Sir Oliver 
 was deeply engaged with his lobster, and leaving Allanby 
 to entqrtain him, had slipped back to the theatre, in 
 order to keep my appointment. But I might have well 
 saved myself the trouble, inasmuch as the parties I was 
 in quest of had already quitted the house, not wishing, in 
 all probability, to avail themselves of the services of so 
 forward a cavalier as myself. This, however, gave me 
 much less disturbance than it otherwise would have done, 
 as I was now in possession of the name and occupation of 
 
 G 
 
82 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 Mrs. Wilkinson, and felt little doubt but that, with such 
 a cine, a very trifling degree of patience and perseverance 
 would enable me to ascertain her abode. I therefore 
 returned, and rejoined the two baronets, having been 
 hardly missed by either the one or the other. 
 
 Full of newly-raised hopes from the auspicious ren- 
 contre of the preceding evening, I was despatching my 
 breakfast with much more deliberation and satisfaction 
 than 1 had done of late, when the waiter delivered me a 
 letter, just brought in by the twopenny post, and, as far 
 as I could decipher the hieroglyphics which composed tho 
 superscription, intended for myself. It was addressed 
 to 
 
 " MUSTER STUFF ART, 
 
 " Taffystork Hothell, 
 
 " Coffin Gai-ding," 
 
 and contained the following communication : 
 
 " SUR, I haf fund out hoo the ladies you nose about 
 ham, han wear they is ; han this is hall I dares to sey, for 
 fire of haccidence ; but hif you wil com to wear your nose, 
 han wring lias husal, you shal larn more fruni your loven 
 Sarvant tell detli, 
 
 " SARY JEXNEXS." 
 
 "SicJcs a' clock, 
 
 " Vensday haf tern one." 
 
 Never did that egregious antiquary Thomas Hearne 
 chuckle with greater delight over a newly-deciphered 
 Celtic inscription than did I on unravelling the hidden 
 meaning of this, to me, most precious of manuscripts. I 
 kissed the dear dirty piece of paper and delicious pot-hooks 
 a thousand times ; and scarcely did that favourite device of 
 Cupid's signet, the deep indentation of the thimble-top on 
 the half-masticated wafer, escape the same vivid token of 
 my regard. I could not doubt but that my better genius 
 had at length surmounted the various provoking obstacles 
 thrown in his way by the demon of mischance, and that I 
 was at last to be made happy with the intelligence I had 
 
3tiY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 83 
 
 so long and so eagerly desired to obtain. Oh ! how I 
 blessed the happy quarrel of the preceding evening, 
 which, by so opportunely removing Sir Oliver from the 
 scene of action, left me free as air to follow the dictates 
 of my own inclination, without the interruption and 
 restraint which his presence would necessarily have 
 imposed. I lost not a moment in repairing to Jermyn- 
 street, nor did Miss Jennens keep me long in suspense. 
 She told me that all her endeavours to discover who the 
 ladies were, or whence they came, had been ineffectual 
 till the day before, when, to her great joy, the elder of 
 them came once more in a hackney-coach to call on Mrs, 
 Morgan ; that on her going upstairs, she (Sally) had taken 
 an opportunity of questioning the coachman as to the 
 place whence he had brought his fare. A proffered pot 
 of the infusion of molasses and coculus indicus, by courtesy 
 termed beer, rendered honest Jarvis communicative, and 
 obtained her the information she wanted. He had brought 
 the lady from No. 84 in Grosvenor-square, where she lived, 
 as he inferred from what fell from one of the servants, who 
 put her into the coach, in the capacity of housekeeper. 
 Sally added that, after taking tea together, the lady and 
 Mrs. Morgan had gone to the play, whence they returned, 
 earlier than usual, in a coach ; that " the lady " did not 
 then get out, but merely set her companion down ; after 
 which my informant distinctly heard the order given to 
 " drive to 84, Grosvenor-square." 
 
 While Sally Jennens was finishing her account, my 
 hands were already employed in rummaging my pocket- 
 book for the letter which had been, the evening before, 
 given to me by my uncle. It was readily found, and I 
 hastily reperused its address. I was before sure I could 
 not have mistaken it : it was the same, " To the Eight 
 Hon. Viscount Manningham, Grosvenor-square, London/' 
 with the magic number, " 84," legibly inscribed in the 
 O.P. angle. The very house ! 
 
 Closely did I cross-examine the chambermaid respecting 
 
 her certainty of the correctness of the number. The girl 
 
 was positive, and her testimony was repeated with the 
 
 firmness of a Jew qualifying for bail at the Old Bailey ; 
 
 G 2 
 
84 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 while I hardly knew whether to hope or fear that her 
 story might be true in all its parts. She persisted, how- 
 ever, that she had heard the number distinctly on both 
 occasions, and that she could not be mistaken. I gave 
 her a reward, which produced me in return a curtsey 
 down to the ground, and retired, exceedingly mystified 
 and much puzzled as to my future mode of proceeding. 
 
 Was it possible that my fair incognita was indeed 
 domesticated with Mrs. Wilkinson, and residing under 
 Lord Manningham's roof 1 and if so, in what capacity ? 
 or was she but a friend of the housekeeper who had 
 taken her to the theatre ? Could it be that she was Miss 
 Stafford herself? The idea startled as it struck me ; but 
 I dismissed it sorrowfully from my mind as unlikely, and 
 indeed absurd. The utter improbability that the Honour- 
 able Amelia Stafford, the admired heiress of one of the 
 most wealthy and respected noblemen in the three king- 
 doms, should accompany a domestic to the pit at Covent 
 Garden ; or that, even if she were inclined so to commit 
 herself, her father, whose notions of decorum and etiquette, 
 especially where females were concerned, were remarkably 
 rigid. that he should permit so great a violation of both, 
 and that, too, without any adequate motive, it was not 
 possible to believe it. 
 
 One circumstance alone seemed at the first view to 
 favour the supposition. A carriage, it appeared, attended 
 too by servants, had called on the eventful evening when 
 I first saw the party, and conveyed them away from Mrs. 
 Morgan's ; but I had omitted to inquire whether it had 
 in the first instance carried them there ; and for the 
 servants of gentlemen in London to make use of the 
 carriages of their masters, after setting them down at 
 their various engagements, and to employ the said car- 
 riages during the interval, at the expiration of which 
 their attendance would be again required, was, as I well 
 knew, no uncommon occurrence. 
 
 Or it might be that this young lady was the daughter 
 of some person in a respectable station in life, and intrusted 
 temporarily to Mrs. Wilkinson's care a supposition which 
 was much strengthened by the marked deference which I 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 85 
 
 could not fail to remark in the good woman's behaviour 
 towards her, and which had first given rise to the idea 
 that the parties were not connected by any ties of con- 
 sanguinity ; this idea, too, derived added confirmation 
 from certain points in Mrs. Wilkinson's demeanour when 
 I encountered her for the second time. All these con- 
 jectures, however, led to no satisfactory termination, nor 
 could I draw any certain conclusion from combining 
 them. As to the booby who made the third person in 
 the party, I easily ascertained from Sally that he was a 
 son of Mrs. Morgan's, and a junior clerk in one of the 
 public offices. 
 
 Deeply immersed in cogitation, as I wandered through 
 the now crowded streets, scarcely knowing whither I was 
 walking, my feet seemed instinctively to convey me 
 towards the quarter whither my thoughts had already 
 strayed, and I found myself all at once perambulating the 
 northern side of Grosvenor-square. 
 
 The door of an elegant mansion, in the angle nearest 
 to rne, stood open : a respectable -looking man-servant, in 
 a plain suit, was in the entrance, while two others, in 
 handsome liveries of green and gold, were employed in 
 opening the door of a fashionable, dark-green town 
 chariot (the panels of which were simply ornamented by 
 a plain crest, surmounted by a viscount's coronet), and 
 assisting its occupants to alight. A tall, gentlemanly- 
 looking personage, in an undress military blue frock, with 
 his hair en queue, and his striking figure a little bowed by 
 age, stepped out first, and turning, offered his hand to 
 facilitate the descent of a beautifully-formed female figure, 
 whose plain white satin spencer, and Spanish hat of the 
 same delicate "material, exhibited to advantage a person 
 cast in the truest mould of elegance and grace. As she 
 tripped lightly into the hall, she half-turned to adjust 
 some little derangement of her dress ; and one glimpse 
 only, hastily caught beneath the snowy plume that vibrated 
 gracefully above her. polished brow, was sufficient to impress 
 upon my mind the recollection of a countenance which, 
 once seen, could never again be eradicated from my 
 memory. It was herself, radiant in excess of loveliness, 
 
86 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 and looking, if possible, even more beautiful than when 
 I had last beheld her. I hastened forward, unconscious 
 of what I purposed ; but it was too late. The door had 
 already closed, and shut her from my view. 
 
 " Lord Manninghani's carriage, I believe ? " said I to 
 the servant, who was now mounting the box, after having 
 drawn up the blinds of the chariot, and closed the door. 
 
 " It is, sir," he replied, respectfully touching his hat, 
 and in a moment the vehicle was out of sight. 
 
 I could no longer doubt. This, then, was the beautiful 
 Amelia Stafford ! the fair being who was already pre- 
 pared to look with so favourable an eye upon the add; 
 of her unknown admirer, and who was already the idolized 
 object of that favoured and happy mortal ! I hesitated no 
 more ; doubt, fear, and anxiety at once gave way before 
 the renovating warmth of love, as the dews of morn 
 before the rising beams of a brilliant summer sun. 
 
 The urgency of my summons brought a servant imme- 
 diately to the door. 
 
 " Inform Lord Manninghani," said I, " that Mr. Charles 
 Stafford requests to be admitted to his presence." I heard 
 the man deliver the message at a door which opened from 
 the entrance-hall to a breakfast-parlour on the right. The 
 recollection of my gallant father, whose beloved brother 
 would so soon press me to his heart, kindled my enthu- 
 siasm, and filled my young bosom with ten thousand 
 nameless emotions. I had already advanced half across 
 the hall, in my eagerness to grasp the hand of a relative 
 who had evinced such noble sentiments, such generous 
 intentions, in my favour, burning to meet his paternal 
 caresses with a due return of correspondent warmth, 
 when I heard these words issue from the interior of the 
 room towards which I was advancing, as they were de- 
 livered to the servant who had announced me, and who 
 yet stood with the door half open in his hand : 
 
 " Mr. Charles Stafford ! Turn the scoundrel out of the 
 house instantly, and never suifer him to enter these doors 
 ! ! " 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 87 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 < f Obstupui, steteruntque comae, et vox faucibus hgesit." 
 
 YjRGIL, 
 In amaze 
 I gaze, 
 
 And in all sorts of wa} T s 
 
 Stands my hair, when my voice I endeavour to raisa 
 I find through my jaws I can't squeeze it ! 
 
 A "PRETTY PARTICULAR HANDSOME FIX." ASTONISHMENT. 
 INDIGNATION. TWO LETTERS, AND ONE ANSWER. 
 
 HEADER, if thou art a sportsman, thou hast doubtless often 
 seen, in some fine thick stubble of newly-reaped wheat, or 
 equally attractive covert of umbrageous turnip, the well- 
 trained Don, or stanchest Ponto, check himself suddenly 
 in fall career, and become, on the instant, fixed, immova- 
 ble , every limb and muscle stretched to its utmost ten- 
 sion, and scarcely exhibiting any sign of life. 
 
 Or if as I would fain flatter myself may be the case 
 if thou art some amiable and accomplished young lady, 
 who, despite the warning voice of " mamma," and the 
 harsher remonstrances of " papa," art in the habit of 
 soothing the soft sorrows of thy sentimental soul by the 
 perusal of the last new novel, to while away the tedious 
 moments until " the captain " calls then hast thou, as 
 undoubtedly, in the course of thy studies, fallen in with 
 that wonderful account of the Petrified City, in which 
 men, women, children, dogs, cats, old maids, and other 
 domestic animals, are described as standing transformed 
 to stone, each in the precise attitude which it had 
 assumed at the moment of the miraculous and sudden 
 metamorphosis. 
 
 This city, by the way, certain modern travellers assure 
 us, is still in esse, and to be found somewhere between 
 Tunis and Timbuctoo ; though none of them, as far as I 
 
88 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 can find, have actually made their bivouac within its 
 precincts. 
 
 Or if thou art of " the Livery," reader, then hast thou, 
 perchance, beheld the alderman of thy ward, at my Lord 
 Mayor's feast, with fixed eye, and dropping jawbone, sink 
 back into his elbow-chair, after his ninth basin of callipee. 
 
 Or if thou art a bachelor of arts, thou hast read, it may 
 be (for I would not hazard an assertion rashly), of the 
 singular properties of the Gorgon's head, and of the 
 Knaresborough Well that turned an elderly gentleman's 
 wig into stone in fifteen seconds. 
 
 If, unhappily, thou art none of all these, then must I 
 despair of conveying to thy mind anything like a correct 
 idea of the absolute immobility of form and feature, the 
 utter suspension of animation, which paralysed all my 
 faculties, as sounds so unexpected and inauspicious struck 
 thus suddenly on my sensorium ! nor had I in any degree 
 recovered myself when the servant, a respectable-looking 
 man, having closed the parlour-door, returned and in- 
 formed me, in a hesitating tone, <; His lordship had com- 
 manded him to say, that neither at present, nor at any 
 future period, would it be convenient for him to receive 
 the visits of Mr. Charles Stafford." 
 
 Aghast as I was, I at length recovered myself so far as 
 to reply, that I was confident there must be some mis- 
 take in the matter, as I had corae on Lord Manningham's 
 own express invitation, and was indeed his lordship's 
 nephew. The man firmly, but respectfully, replied, that 
 lie was certain no mistake had been committed in the 
 name, and that his lord's orders were peremptory. Not 
 choosing therefore to enter into any altercation with a 
 servant, and, indeed, but too well convinced, by the 
 evidence of my own ears, that the man had softened, 
 rather than aggravated the harshness of the message of 
 which he was the bearer, I quitted the house, and regained 
 the street, in a state of confusion, arising from mingled 
 anger, mortification, and disappointment, at once pitiable 
 and ludicrous. 
 
 " So then ! " I exclaimed at last, when a five minutes' 
 perambulation of Brook-street had furnished me with 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 89 
 
 breath sufficient to form into articulate sounds " So 
 theii ! this is the ' paternal reception ' this is the fulfil- 
 ment of those ' generous intentions in my favour/ which 
 my kind but deceived mother has sent me up to London 
 to experience ! A mighty courteous and * fatherly recep- 
 tion/ truly ! But this business rests not here ; I will 
 probe this infamous mockery to the bottom, and, were he 
 twenty times my uncle, Lord Manninghain shall repent 
 the unprovoked insult he has dared ofter to a Stafford." 
 
 My indignation having once found vent in words, 
 relieved itself in some degree by the use of them ; but, as 
 passion subsided, my astonishment revived and increased. 
 
 What could be the meaning of the treatment I had 
 received 1 ? Was it possible that Lord Manniugham, a 
 nobleman of grave and dignified habits, one whose repu- 
 tation for the possession of every accomplishment that 
 adorns the gentleman, the soldier, and the scholar, stood 
 unimpeachable, that a man who had always professed, 
 and, as I had every reason to believe, felt, the strongest and 
 most disinterested regard for his deceased brother that 
 he should wantonly, and without provocation, go out of 
 his way, merely for the purpose of wounding the feelings 
 and disgracing the character of that brother's only child 
 of one, too, who, neither in fact nor by implication, 
 could ever have given him offence, and to whose very 
 person he was a stranger ? It was altogether unaccount- 
 able was incredible and the longer I reflected, the more 
 convinced did I feel that some mystery enveloped the 
 whole transaction, the intricacies of which I was at pre- 
 sent completely incompetent to unravel. The more I 
 pondered upon the circumstance of my extraordinary 
 exclusion from Grosvenor-square, the more certain this 
 inference appeared, when at once the question occurred, 
 Had I been traduced ? had any villain, envious of my 
 rising prospects, aspersed my character, and painted me, 
 perhaps, to my rigidly correct relation, in all the sombre 
 colours of his own malignity 3 But even then, was I to 
 be condemned unheard 1 Were all the partial represen- 
 tations of a fond and anxious mother, eager to promote 
 the success of a beloved son, to sink at once before the 
 
90 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 suggestions of a comparative stranger, without any room 
 allowed for investigation or inquiry ? Could my uncle be 
 displeased at my having so long delayed to avail myself of 
 his invitation ? I could hardly think, that, in such a 
 case, he would, without leaving any opening for explana- 
 tion or apology, inflict a punishment so glaringly dispro- 
 portionate to the offence. 
 
 On the whole, I could not but conclude that, either 
 from some misapprehension, or the malicious interference 
 of an enemy, Lord Manningham had been induced to 
 credit some report, highly derogatory to my character, 
 which, on every account, it behoved me to clear up. 
 Unwilling, therefore, as I was to agitate my mother 
 unnecessarily, I resolved to forbear at present from 
 writing to the Hall, and to employ the interval between 
 the present time and Sir Oliver's expected return from 
 Oxford in the elucidating, if possible, this strange 
 occurrence. 
 
 As a preliminary step, I took the first opportunity, on 
 reaching the Tavistock, to despatch a porter to Grosveuor- 
 square with the following letter : 
 
 " Taiistock Hotel, Cvvent Garden. 
 
 " MY LORD, After the very extraordinary and morti- 
 fying repulse which I experienced at your door this 
 morning, nothing but a sense of what is due to myself, 
 and to those with whose friendship and affection I am 
 honoured, could have induced me to trouble your lordship 
 any farther. 
 
 " In what that very cavalier repulse, as unexpected as 
 undeserved, could have originated, I am at a loss to 
 imagine. I take leave, however, to remind your lordship 
 that I presented myself on your own express and unso- 
 licited invitation, and that the letter, of which I was the 
 bearer, from the honoured widow of the late Colonel 
 Stafford, might at least, I should conceive, have secured 
 her son from insult or contempt. 
 
 " The only way in. which I can account for such treat- 
 ment, is the supposition, that malevolent and slanderous 
 tongues may have dared to misrepresent some motive or 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 01 
 
 action of iny life, without my being aware of it. If this 
 be the case, from my father's brother I entreat as a favour, 
 and from Lord Manningham I demand as a right, an 
 opportunity of vindicating my conduct. 
 
 " In the firm belief that the unpleasant circumstance, 
 to which I allude must have had its source in mistake or 
 calumny, I have the honour to subscribe myself, my lord, 
 your lordship's very obedient nephew and servant, 
 
 "CHARLES STAFFORD." 
 
 " To the Right Hon. the Viscount Manninyliam, 
 " Grosvenor-syucire." 
 
 The interval which necessarily elapsed between the 
 despatch of this epistle and the reception of the eagerly- 
 expected answer, would have been a severe trial to my 
 patience, but for the appearance of a visitor, whose pre- 
 sence and communication served, in some degree, to fill 
 up the pause, and to abstract from the tediousness of time. 
 This visitor was Allanby, whom, on parting with him the 
 night before, I had requested to gain any information 
 he might be able to procure, that would tend to throw 
 a light upon my uncle's mysterious adventure at Drury- 
 lane. 
 
 Sir John had good-humoureclly promised to comply 
 with my wishes, and now assured me that there was 
 every reason to suppose that Sir Oliver had really been 
 mistaken in the person of the gentleman with whom he 
 had so decidedly claimed consanguinity. 
 
 On inquiry, he had ascertained from an officer of the 
 Coldstream, with whom he had a family connection, not 
 only that Captain Hanbury, of that very distinguished 
 regiment, had been in London on the previous evening, 
 but also that he had actually been at the theatre, and 
 had afterwards, at the Guards' Club House, given to some 
 of his friends, in the informant's hearing, an animated 
 account of "a famous good row," which he had just had 
 at the play-house, the particulars of which Sir John's 
 relative had not had sufficient curiosity to attend to. 
 
 In consequence of this intelligence, Allanby, decided as 
 
92 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 he now considered the matter to be, resolved on availing 
 himself of an introduction, readily offered by his friend, 
 when he had explained his reason for wishing for one, 
 and on calling upon the gallant captain, ostensibly for 
 the purpose of making excuses in Sir Oliver's name for 
 the mistake into which he had unadvisedly fallen, and 
 thus to put the matter beyond dispute. On reaching his 
 lodgings in Albemarle-street, however, he found that 
 Captain Hanbury had started, a few hours before, with a 
 party of friends, for Windsor, and that the time of his 
 return was altogether uncertain. 
 
 I could have wished, for my own satisfaction, that the 
 friendly baronet had succeeded in obtaining a personal 
 interview with the gentleman, though, on reconsidering 
 the whole circumstance, I could not fail to join with him 
 in the conviction, that my uncle had indeed laboured 
 under a delusion, and was now gone upon a wild-goose 
 chase, a fact of which, till this moment, I could not help 
 entertaining a considerable degree of doubt. I gave 
 Allanby many thanks for the trouble he had so kindly 
 taken, and he had just risen for the purpose of leaving 
 me, after an ineffectual attempt to prevail on me to dine 
 with him, when the long expected reply to my appeal 
 was put into my hands by the well-remembered lackey in 
 the " green and gold." 
 
 I retreated to a window to peruse it, and read as 
 follows : 
 
 "Sin, The letter you have just thought proper to 
 transmit, convinces me of what I could scarcely have 
 conceived possible, that your worthlessness and folly are 
 even exceeded by your audacity. 
 
 " That you came hither at ' my express and unsolicited 
 invitation' is true ; that invitation, sir, was dictated by 
 the affection I ever bore your gallant father, a lather 
 whose name you should blush to pronounce, and by the 
 hope that in the representative of his person. I ^should 
 find the inheritor of his virtues. Had that ' Colonel 
 Stafford,' whose name you dare to profane, lived to wit- 
 ness this disgraceful conduct of his degenerate son, it 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 93 
 
 would have broken his heart. I can no longer lament 
 his decease. 
 
 " The whole of your dishonourable career is now fully 
 known to me ; to much of it, especially to your infamous 
 tampering with the honesty of a servant, I had previously 
 been an indignant, though unsuspected, witness. Your 
 insinuation as to the agency of slander and calumny is as 
 despicable as you know it to be false, and your behaviour 
 will admit neither vindication nor apology. 
 
 " Miss Stafford holds you in the contempt you merit ; 
 the bauble which your artifices forced upon her has been 
 transmitted to your mother, together with the lamentable 
 detail of her son's profligacy. 
 
 " Desist, young man, from intruding any farther upon 
 the members of a family who disown and despise you, or 
 you may be taught that not even the fond recollection of 
 departed worth, nor the name which you bear and dis- 
 grace, will longer prove your protection from the chastise- 
 ment you deserve, or operate as a motive to forbearance 
 on " MANNINGHAM." 
 
 This gentle and conciliating epistle was duly endorsed 
 to " Charles Stafford, Esq., Tavistock Hotel." 
 
 Its contents rekindled at once the smothered embers 
 of my anger, and furnished fresh materials for my sur- 
 prise. 
 
 Galling and contemptuous as were the terms in which 
 it was couched, the very natural indignation I experienced 
 on its perusal was quickly merged in wonder. Had, then, 
 my name and person been all the while so well known to 
 her whose address I had made so many efforts to discover ? 
 Had all my actions been so closely watched and observed, 
 at the very time when my whole soul was occupied in 
 watching and observing those of others, and that too 
 without success ? Had even that, as I believed, most 
 recondite circumstance, my having "tipped" Sally Jennens 
 with five guineas for her information, been open to the 
 inspection of some latent looker-on ? And then the 
 vinaigrette the so much despised "bauble" which I 
 had purchased as a means of gaining access to my then 
 
94 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 unknown charmer, had, as it appeared, readied its desti- 
 nation (a fact which I had more than doubted), and had 
 been since returned with ignominy "to my mother !" I 
 was lost in amazement. 
 
 But admitting all this admitting that Lord Manning- 
 ham himself had, which I could hardly have supposed 
 possible, witnessed the whole of my manoeuvres to obtain 
 access to his daughter, was there anything so very 
 reprehensible in my conduct as to justify the reproach 
 and vituperation contained in his letter, and the igno- 
 minious epithets therein applied to it ? If, in the eager- 
 ness of my desire to get possession of the address of a 
 young lady, I had bestowed a trifling douceur upon a 
 servant-girl, was there anything in the transaction to 
 warrant the charge of " profligacy," or of " tampering with 
 a servant's honesty ?" What if I had intruded on that 
 young lady a paltry trinket 1 Of impertinence she might 
 perhaps with justice have accused me, but surely not of 
 " worthlessness," or " disgraceful conduct." 
 
 Surely nothing but the very spirit of puritanism itself 
 could affix epithets so severe to actions so trifling, and, as 
 I thought, so venial, in their nature. But so it was ; and 
 as pride alone would have prevented my making any fur- 
 ther attempt at conciliating Lord Manniugham, even had 
 I seen the remotest chance of succeeding, which I did 
 not, I resolved to avoid the unpleasant situation of 
 being the herald of my own disgrace to Sir Oliver, and of 
 being forced to reply to all the various queries with which 
 I knew he would assail me, by leaving London imme- 
 diately, and before his return. 
 
 Besides, I reflected that, should I act otherwise, and 
 await his arrival, it was by no means improbable that, on 
 hearing my story, he would, in his anxiety to have 
 matters simplified, insist on my accompanying him once 
 more to Grosvenor-square, a measure against which 
 every feeling of my soul revolted, and subjecting my- 
 self, perhaps, to a repetition of the mortifying indignities 
 I had already sustained.; or that, in the event of my 
 refusal, Sir Oliver himself, of whose pertinacity of opinion 
 I had had ample experience, might take it into his head 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 05 
 
 to be offended with me, and thus I might seriously quarrel 
 with both iny uncles, without any intention of affronting 
 either. 
 
 This determination, therefore, I failed not to put in 
 practice as quickly as possible, and, leaving a couple of 
 notes to be delivered after my departure, once more set 
 out on my return to Underdo wn Hall. 
 
 The first of these billets was addressed to Sir Oliver, to 
 bo given to him on his arrival, and ran thus : 
 
 " MY DEAR UNCLE, Circumstances of an awkward 
 nature, which I feel myself unable at present either to 
 control or explain, have rendered it impossible for me 
 to put in execution the intention with which I came to 
 London. 
 
 " A strong prejudice, whence originating I know not, 
 appears to exist against me in the mind of Lord Man- 
 ningham. Time may, perhaps, obliterate a feeling which 
 seems to me as unaccountable as I know it to be unjust ; 
 in the mean while, it may be better, perhaps, for all par- 
 ties, that we should come as little into contact as possible. 
 I have, therefore, retired to the Hall, and, in the hope of 
 soon witnessing your own return to the house which your 
 indulgence has taught me to consider our mutual home, 
 remain your affectionate nephew, 
 
 "0. STAFFORD. 
 
 " P.S. I have been able to ascertain, almost to demon- 
 stration, that my Cousin Nicholas had no hand whatever 
 in the unpleasant business at the theatre, but that your 
 antagonist was indeed the very gentleman whom he repre- 
 sented himself to be." 
 
 The other was directed to Lord Manningham : 
 
 " MY LORD, The son of that Colonel Stafford, : whose 
 decease you no longer regret/ is only withheld by the 
 respect due to his father's memory, and the recollection 
 of the near connection between that revered parent and 
 Viscount Manningham, from fully expressing to the latter 
 
96 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 his sentiments on the unfounded aspersions cast by him 
 upon a character as unspotted as his own. 
 
 " Be assured, my lord, that the ' members of your family' 
 will be 'no more intruded on' by one who now values 
 your lordship's favour as little as he dreads the resent- 
 ment with which you think proper to menace him. I 
 have the honour to be, your lordship's servant, 
 
 "CHARLES STAFFORD." 
 "To Viscount Manningham, <bc. <tc. etc." 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 Inter Sylvas Academi quaerere verum. 
 
 HORACE. 
 
 Through academic groves 
 
 The puzzled hero roves 
 To seek if facts be facts, or all a mere hum ! 
 
 A HASTY MAN. A SICK MAN. AX ANGRY MAX. AN OBSEQUIOUS 
 MAN. A LEARNED MAN. AND A PUZZLED MAN. 
 
 DURING part of this period, and while I was the alter- 
 nate prey of fear, hope, disappointment, and indignation, 
 Sir Oliver had proceeded, as fast as four stout roadsters 
 could carry him, towards Oxford, anathematizing my 
 Cousin Nicholas at least ten times between every mile- 
 stone and its successor with bitter vows of taking the 
 most complete and summary vengeance, in case he should 
 find that his son had deceived him, and in his person had 
 actually menaced the nasal organs of a Bullwinkle with 
 manual compression. 
 
 On his arrival at the Angel, he scarcely waited to dis- 
 charge the postboys, ere, hurrying, with the utmost expe- 
 dition of which he was capable, to the venerable edifice of 
 which his son was or ought to be an inmate, he in- 
 quired for the rooms of Mr. Nicholas Bullwinkle. They 
 were immediately pointed out to him by an obsequious 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 07 
 
 porter, and my uncle proceeded through a rank of marvel- 
 ling freshmen, who were congregated in the quadrangle, 
 to the staircase which led to his apartments. Sir Oliver 
 tarried not to give even the usual petitionary knock at 
 the inner door, but, turning the handle without scruple 
 or delay, abruptly entered the room. 
 
 At a table loaded with folios of a most imposing bulk, 
 and properly furnished with all the necessary adjuncts of 
 pen, ink, and paper, clad in a long duffle wrapping-gown, 
 with a pair of green spectacles upon his nose, and a 
 rummer of water by his side, sat my Cousin Nicholas. 
 
 His cheeks were pale, not to say haggard ; his form 
 attenuated, and his whole appearance that of a man suffer- 
 ing under the oppression of serious indisposition. The 
 sudden entrance of Sir Oliver caused him to start, and 
 communicated a visible degree of tremor to his whole 
 frame : the pen actually trembled in his hand as ha 
 exclaimed, on hearing the noise, " Who's there 1 Sander- 
 son, is that you 1 you know I am reading, and can't see 
 anybody." 
 
 " Nick !" quoth my Uncle Oliver, " is it you, Nick 1 
 Speak to me, you rascal, and tell me, is that you ]" 
 
 " My dear father ! impossible ! can I believe my 
 eyes ? Here, Jem ! porter ! My dear sir, to what am 
 1 to attribute this very unexpected pleasure ? Nothing 
 the matter at the Hall, I hope 1 Here, Jem, I say ; come 
 up directly and be to you !" 
 
 The concluding sentence of this address was uttered out 
 of the window, to a " scout" in the quadrangle (bells 
 were rare in Braxenose) and was delivered in a tone of 
 the utmost impatience. Then placing a chair, the invalid 
 once more felicitated himself on the arrival of his father, 
 and extended his hand towards him, as if in expectation 
 of a friendly shake. 
 
 " No, sir," cried the baronet, most unceremoniously 
 rejecting his proffered salute. " Sit down, sir, sit down 
 and answer me a few questions, before I make up my 
 mind whether I am ever to acknowledge you as my son 
 again, or not." 
 
 " My dear sir, what can be the meaning of this most 
 
98 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 alarming preface ? However, I am much too happy to see 
 you, on any terms, to quarrel with the cause which affords 
 me the pleasure of your company." 
 
 " I do not believe one word of it," quoth my uncle ; 
 " you would as lief see the devil, sir. But here I am ; 
 and here I mean to remain, till you have told me how you 
 dared offer me such an insult as you did last night ; how 
 you had the assurance" (my uncle's voice rose an octave) 
 " to threaten to pull my nose ! " 
 
 If anger was the predominant expression of Sir Oliver's 
 countenance, astonishment seemed no less forcibly por- 
 trayed in that of my cousin. " Pull your nose, my dear 
 father ! last night ! you surprise me ; what can be the 
 meaning of all this ? Has any one dared to insult you ? 
 If so, be assured I shall resent it as a son ought to do ; 
 and I cannot tell you how highly gratified I feel that you 
 should have taken the trouble of coming thus far to give 
 me an opportunity of chastising the insolence of " 
 
 " Be quiet, puppy, and answer me ; nobody's insolence 
 is to be chastised but your own. Tell me, sir, how dared 
 you deny all knowledge of me, to my face, at Druij Lane, 
 no longer ago than last night ?" 
 
 " Drury La ! my dear sir," cried the now alarmed 
 Nicholas ; " I have not been oub of iny room this fortnight : 
 surely, sir, the fatigue of your journey, or something, has 
 discomposed you. Let me offer you some refreshment. 
 Why, Jem," continued my cousin, turning once more 
 abruptly to the window, and carefully wrapping a silk 
 handkerchief, that lay on the sofa near him, round his 
 throat, as he opened it, " Jem, do you mean to come up 
 to-day, or not ?" 
 
 " Nay, sir," cried Sir Oliver, " do not give Mr. Jem, 
 whoever the gentleman may be, the trouble of walking 
 up stairs, nor expose your own very delicate health to the 
 influence of the cold air. I am neither drunk nor mad ; 
 so answer me in three words, and without any prevari- 
 cation, were you, or were you not, in London yesterday 
 evening ?" 
 
 " Not I, upon my word, Sir Oliver ; and why you 
 should imagine such a thing, I cannot, for the life of me, 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 99 
 
 conceive. Had I even entertained any intention of the 
 kind, the indisposition under which I have been labouring 
 for this fortnight past would alone have been sufficient to 
 prevent my carrying it into effect, to say nothing of my 
 being engaged very busily in reading for my ( Little Go. 9 
 My dear father, I am quite a skeleton ; only look at me ! 
 do feel my ribs ! " 
 
 " Curse your ribs !" cried the baronet, " I'll break 
 every one of them ; I'll " 
 
 Here the scout entered the room. 
 
 " Jem," said my Cousin Nicholas, " my father is just 
 arrived in Oxford \ go to the kitchen and buttery, and 
 make them send up something immediately and borrow 
 me a bottle of wine, Jem : it is so long since I drank any, 
 that I am afraid my own cellar will not afford one and, 
 Jem, come back and help me to put these books out of 
 the way." 
 
 Jem stared, made a short quick bow, and was retiring, 
 when his retreat was cut off by Sir Oliver 
 
 " Stop one moment, Mister Jem, if that is your name, 
 I beg of you ; and please to inform me, Mister Jem, at 
 what hour did this young gentleman return from London ?" 
 
 The man looked all astonishment ; he gazed alternately 
 at my uncle and his son, and made no answer. 
 
 " Jern," said my cousin, " some officious blockhead or 
 other has put it into my father's head that I was in town 
 no longer ago than yesterday ; you, I think, can satisfy 
 him that I have not even left my room this fortnight till 
 this very day, when I went, for the first time since my 
 illness, to morning chapel." 
 
 ' Very true, sir," returned Jem ; " I called you by 
 your orders at six o'clock. 
 
 "Indeed!" returned Sir Oliver; "I must, however, 
 have better evidence than even that of the very respect- 
 able Mr. Jem, before I believe one syllable of the matter ; 
 so, Mr. Nicholas Bullwinkle, if you please, we will adjourn 
 to the apartments of your tutor, and hear his opinion of 
 the business unless, indeed, the very delicate state of 
 your health should render it dangerous for you to accom- 
 pany me." 
 
100 MY COUSilN NICHOLAS. 
 
 " By all means, sir ; I will attend you with the greatest 
 pleasure ; indeed, I do not know but that the air may be 
 of service to me. Jem, my great-coat ! " 
 
 The obsequious James produced the required surtout, 
 which my cousin, having first taken off and leisurely 
 wiped his spectacles, proceeded to indue, with a degree of 
 deliberation that formed a fine contrast with the impa- 
 tience manifested in every twist and turn of Sir Oliver's 
 features. The bandana received a more careful and 
 studied adjustment round the throat, and the usual 
 paraphernalia of academic costume being duly arranged 
 over all, Nicholas seemed prepared to accompany his father, 
 when, before they reached the door of the apartment, he 
 stopped suddenly, and exclaimed, " I beg your pardon, 
 Sir Oliver, may I detain you one moment ? The tincture, 
 Jem ; surely it is time that I took my tincture ?" 
 
 The obedient scout repaired to a closet on the other 
 side of the room, from, which he produced a half-pint 
 bottle and a glass, into the latter of which he carefully 
 poured two table-spoonfuls of a dark-coloured fluid, bear- 
 ing a most suspicious resemblance to cherry-brandy. This 
 he extended to my Cousin Nicholas, who received and 
 swallowed it, not without a due contortion of visage ; 
 then, without any further attempt at delay, he followed 
 the impatient baronet down the staircase, but hand pas- 
 sibus cequis, and supporting himself by the banister. 
 
 The pair proceeded in solemn silence ; the younger 
 gentleman having been suddenly cut short by the elder 
 in the very commencement of an embryo dissertation on 
 the medicinal qualities of " Huxham's Tincture of Bark." 
 
 In this way, notwithstanding the procrastination occa- 
 sioned by the tardiness of my cousin, whose pace very 
 little exceeded that which is termed by military men 
 " marking time," the door of the Reverend Josiah Pozzle- 
 thwayte's apartment was at length attained, and they 
 were received by that learned tutor with all the dignity 
 of a fellow of a college, beautifully tempered by the urba- 
 nity of a gentleman, despite a slight shade of vexation, 
 which a keen observer might have detected stealing over 
 his countenance at the interruption his visitors occasioned 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 101 
 
 to the progress of a very erudite and entertaining little 
 treatise on the various gerunds in Di, Do, and Dum, which 
 he was on the point of completing, and offering to the 
 world in three quarto volumes. 
 
 Sir Oliver, who was by no means a man of many words, 
 introduced himself and his errand with truly Spartan 
 brevity, while his polite auditor listened with attention, 
 and replied to his inquiries in a manner which savoured 
 more of the elegance of Attic, than the force and con- 
 ciseness of Lacedemonian, oratory, while the classic mind 
 of my Cousin Nicholas, who remained for some time a 
 silent, though not uninterested observer, at once suggested 
 to him " the image of a supposed Pericles listening to one 
 of an imaginary Ephori." 
 
 This lie afterwards told my uncle, who, not knowing 
 anything of either of the gentlemen named, nor quite 
 approving the expression of countenance with which the 
 remark was uttered, was very near breaking his head in. 
 return for his elegant allusion. 
 
 The evidence, if such it may be termed, of the learned 
 tutor was, however, equally in my cousin's favour with 
 that of Jem East, the scout, and seemed altogether 
 irreconcilable with Sir* Oliver's hypothesis. 
 
 The Reverend Mr. Pozzlethwayte was a great logician ; 
 he could demonstrate, without the slightest difficulty, that 
 although " John was a man, and feter was a man," yet, 
 from a want of the necessary " distribution of the Middle 
 Term," it was by no means a legitimate consequence that 
 " John was Peter ;" he gave Sir Oliver most convincing 
 reasons why it was impossible that his son should be, at 
 one and the same time, present at two different places 
 fifty-six miles asunder : he proved, first, that it was 
 "Term Time at Oxford," secondly, that no Under- 
 graduate could be absent without leave when it was 
 " Term Time at Oxford," then, that my Cousin Nicholas 
 was an Undergraduate, after that, that my Cousin. 
 Nicholas had no leave of absence, and then triumphantly 
 drew his inference, that of course my Cousin Nicholas 
 could not be absent during " Term Time at Oxford." 
 
 lie changed his battery, and demonstrated that "a 
 
102 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 man who was too ill to move could never have gone from 
 Oxford to London : but my cousin was too ill to move ; 
 itierefore my cousin could not have gone from Oxford to 
 London." 
 
 He argued from cause to effect, and then reasoned back 
 again from effect to cause ; now he pressed his auditor 
 with all the syllogistic energies of "Major" "Minor, 
 and "Consequence;" then he crushed him beneath the 
 overwhelming weight of a "/Sorites;" and finally com- 
 pelled him, by a judicious use of Socratic interrogation, 
 to prove himself an unredeemed blockhead. 
 
 Sir Oliver, who, in the discharge of what he called 
 his duties as a magistrate for the county, had not unfre- 
 quently listened with admiration and conviction, " at 
 sessions," to the luminous statements of the counsel 011 
 one side, till the equally brilliant effusions of the counsel 
 on the other side provokingly brought the matter once 
 more into doubt, now, when the full tide of argument 
 took a decided and uncontradicted turn, gave way to a 
 torrent which he found it beyond his power to stem ; 
 slowly and most reluctantly did he yield a grumbling 
 assent to propositions which he was unable to refute, 
 though almost equally unwilling to admit. 
 
 After sifting the matter as closely as he could, the 
 result of all his inquiries was, that Mr. Bull winkle had 
 been " ceger " for more than a fortnight ; and his sickly 
 appearance certainly tended much to corroborate this 
 representation. It was also ascertained, by reference to 
 the Bible-clerk, that he had actually been at chapel that 
 morning at half-past six ; " Jem," moreover, testified that 
 he had himself summoned him from his bed half an hour 
 before, while the rules of academic discipline precluded 
 the opening of the college gates till after morning prayers. 
 My cousin would have got his acquittal in any court in 
 Christendom ;xand Sir Oliver was obliged to succumb, 
 which he at length did, but with a very bad grace, and as 
 if only half convinced. 
 
 It is recorded of a right worshipful citizen, who thrice 
 filled the civic chair of the greatest corporation in the 
 world, and was honoured by his fellow-citizens at his 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 103 
 
 decease with a monument, erected to his memory at the 
 public expense, and which still forms a principal ornament 
 of that very Guildhall which had so often been the scene of 
 his triumphs, it is on record, I say, that he once over- 
 whelmed a prime minister by an energetic declaration, 
 that "them there facts is stubborn things!" Sir Oliver 
 Bull winkle could no more invalidate the force of Alder- 
 man Beckford's axiom than could the premier. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 - Oh ! what damn'd minutes counts he o'er 
 
 Who dotes yet doubts, suspects yet strongly loves. 
 
 Othello. 
 Noscitur a Naso ! 
 
 He said he'd pull my nose ! I heard him say so. 
 
 CARDS, THE DEVIL'S BOOKS. A RELAPSE. WHAT'S IN A NAME ? 
 
 THE worthy baronet and his hopeful heir retraced their 
 steps towards the apartments of the latter, Sir Oliver 
 hardly knowing whether he was pleased or sorry at the 
 conviction which had been in a manner forced upon him. 
 
 That the character of his son had come out of the fiery 
 ordeal to which it had been subjected pure and immacu- 
 late as a new-laid egg, was, to be sure, a subject of much 
 self-congratulation ; but then the unwelcome truth would 
 force itself on his recollection, that in proportion as the 
 conduct of Nicholas appeared blameless, his own must 
 seem absurd ; nor could he help feeling that, all things 
 considered, he was cutting a tolerably ridiculous figure. 
 In no very enviable state of mind he ascended the stairs 
 of number 6, with much more of deliberation than had 
 marked his progress down them an hour before, while 
 the pace of Nicholas was accelerated in a corresponding 
 ratio, so that they now contrived to keep tolerably well 
 together. 
 
104 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 On re-entering the room, a small card of invitation lay 
 on the table, giving evident proof that, during their 
 absence, the apartment had been invaded by a visitor. 
 The small piece of pasteboard alluded to bore, moreover, 
 an inscription as interesting to Sir Oliver as any in the 
 Theban catacombs, or on the sarcophagus of Cheops him- 
 self, could be to a modern traveller, possessing, besides, 
 the incalculable advantage of being much more easily deci- 
 phered. The words it displayed were, 
 
 " Wine with Hanbury. 
 
 "O.C. 
 " Friday, llth." 
 
 And it was indorsed, 
 
 "N. Bullwinkle, Esq." 
 
 Had a basilisk met the eyes of my uncle, he could not 
 have exhibited a more theatric and imposing start. The 
 still slumbering embers of suspicion " flared up " at once 
 into as bright a blaze as the real element from which this 
 popular metaphor is taken emits when some unlucky imp 
 of mischief hurls, with too unerring aim, a handful of 
 pounded resin into the fire, for the purpose of astounding 
 a dozing grandmother, or electrifying a maiden aunt. 
 Every combustible particle in Sir Oliver's whole frame 
 ignited on the instant. 
 
 " Hanbury ! " exclaimed he, with the look, air, and voice 
 of a male Tisiphone. 
 
 " A friend of mine, Sir Oliver," said Nicholas, with the 
 most perfect composure, not perceiving, or not choosing 
 to perceive, the effect which this name of bad omen had 
 upon his father ; " a college friend of mine, and a very good 
 fellow he is, only rather too much of a bookworm : he is 
 known here by the sobriquet of ' Sobersides.' I should 
 like to join his party amazingly, if my health would 
 permit me, for it is not often he ventures upon one ; but 
 the ' mens sana in corpore sano' you know, sir (Sir Oliver 
 did not know), must be preferred to everything else ; and 
 as it is in vain to expect intellectual without corporeal 
 health, I must, however reluctantly, give up the idea, i'^r 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 105 
 
 I feel my nervous system is too much deranged to admit 
 of my joining at present in any kind of gaiety, else, I 
 must confess, I should like just to pop in my nose " 
 
 " At a scoundrel's who swore he would pull your 
 father's !" roared the indignant baronet, in the tones of a 
 Sbentor. Nicholas stood aghast. For the first time there 
 appeared in the expression of his countenance a sort of 
 indefinite alarm, which might perhaps have been inter- 
 preted into an apprehension that the intellects of his 
 father were affected. It was some time before he found 
 breath to utter, 
 
 " My dear sir, do I understand you right ? I thought 
 it had been myself who had, most unjustly, certainly, 
 fallen under your suspicion as the author of the outrageous 
 insult offered to you ; and now, when I have, I trust, 
 satisfied you of the impossibility of the thing, you would 
 seem, to accuse niy friend, a man whom I am. morally 
 certain you have never seen in your life. What can I 
 think, Sir Oliver 1 " 
 
 " I don't care a farthing what you think, sir ! What 
 
 the d 1 are your thoughts to me ? I tell you again I 
 
 am now fully convinced that you and your rascally friend, 
 between you, are at the bottom of all this ; but lead me 
 to the jackanapes immediately ! Let me see him, I say ; 
 and if I find I have been imposed upon after all Come 
 along directly, Nick ; for if you refuse to go " 
 
 " ."Refuse ? Oh ! not I, indeed, sir, all over the Uni- 
 versity, if you please ; and we'll ask every third man we 
 meet whether he ever threatened to pull your nose. I 
 have no objection, sir, I assure you." 
 
 Sir Oliver looked as if he had a great mind to knock 
 my Cousin Nicholas down ; but seeing him so very com- 
 posedly occupied in resuming the gown which he had just 
 divested himself of, and not perhaps finding any words at 
 the moment adequate to the full expression of his confused 
 feelings, he contented himself with biting his nether lip, 
 and remained silent. 
 
 " Now I am ready, whenever you please, Sir Oliver. 
 Where, may I ask, would you choose to commence 
 your inquiries ? " 
 
106 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 "No sneering, puppy, but show me instantly to the 
 fellow who left this card." 
 
 " With all my heart, sir. Poor Sobersides ! how he 
 will stare ! But may I beg you to be calm, Sir Oliver, 
 as, I assure you, you will find yourself a second time 
 mistaken." 
 
 Thus saying, Nicholas quietly began to descend the 
 staircase, and led the way to the college-gate. 
 
 Totally unobservant of the venerable buildings that now 
 surrounded him on all sides, and querulously cutting short 
 his son's attempts to recommend them to his notice, the 
 angry baronet kept close to his side, eyeing him occa- 
 sionally with glances which seemed to indicate a suspicion 
 that he would endeavour to run away, and at the same 
 time grasping his arm with the force and tenacity of a 
 smith's vice, as if fully determined to prevent his escape. 
 
 But Nicholas entertained no such intention : he kept 
 steadily on, till, on passing the portal surmounted by the 
 huge protection of gilt wood, which has somehow or other 
 been, facetiously enough, designated as the Brazen Nose, 
 an appellation as little warranted by its anti-metallic 
 appearance, as by its want of resemblance to the feature 
 it is said to represent, he again, in spite of the ungra- 
 cious repulses which all his attempts at " lionizing " had 
 hitherto met with, could not help directing his father's 
 attention to the mystic emblem above him ; but, in his 
 present mood, the very word " nose " sounded harshly in 
 the ears of Sir Oliver, and he again bade his son " cease 
 his chattering," in no very dulcet tones. 
 
 On reaching the place of their destination, Mr. Hau- 
 bury's " oak " was open. A rap with the knuckles at his 
 door was immediately answered by a cry of " Come in ! " 
 and Nicholas, with his father close at his heels, entered 
 the room. 
 
 " Hanbury, niy good fellow, how are you ? " said the 
 former, advancing with extended hand towards a young 
 gentleman dressed in a morning gown, who rose from a 
 sofa to receive him. 
 
 " I am sorry, Hanbury, I was not in the way this morn- 
 ing when you called, but I come to bring you my answer 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 107 
 
 in person. In the mean time, allow me to introduce to 
 you my father Hanbury Sir Oliver Bull winkle." 
 
 During this exordium, Sir Oliver had been narrowly 
 scrutinizing the person of his new acquaintance, but found 
 himself once more baffled in his expectations, as neither 
 in feature, voice, nor figure, did the gentleman before him 
 bear the slightest resemblance to the object of his resent- 
 ment the likeness was in the name alone. 
 
 Still the coincidence was most remarkable, that among 
 the more particular friends, and in the immediate society 
 of his son, he should meet with a person of so ominous a 
 designation, that, if the name of the one had but been united 
 with the person of the other, no reasonable doubt could 
 any longer have remained upon his mind. He felt him- 
 self completely mystified ; he knew not what to believe 
 or to reject, and therefore only bowed and stammered in 
 reply to the easy and polite reception given to him, by 
 young Hanbury as the father of his friend. 
 
 " Bull winkle," said their host to my cousin, after they 
 had taken chairs, " I am sincerely glad to see you out 
 again ; you have had a sharp time of it ; and, not to 
 flatter you, your illness has pulled you down not a little. 
 I called to-day, as I had heard from Jones this morning 
 that you had been at chapel, in the hope of prevailing on 
 you to meet a few friends here on Friday : we shall be a 
 very quiet party." 
 
 " I never knew one otherwise at your rooms, Hanbury ; 
 and I believe, in spite of prudence, I should have joined 
 you ; but my father, as you see, is just arrived, and will 
 not, I hope, leave Oxford for some days. My time must 
 of course be entirely at his disposal." 
 
 " I trust, I need not say," returned Hanbury, " how 
 much I should be gratified by Sir Oliver's company also 
 on that occasion, or that I shall feel great pleasure if any 
 services of mine can be acceptable to him. You are but 
 weak as yet, Bullwinkle, and, I am sure, altogether un- 
 equal to the task of making the tour of the University. 
 I shall be most happy if your father will accept me as 
 your substitute." 
 
 Sir Oliver knew not what to make of all this. Mr. Han- 
 
108 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 bury's manners and address were polished and prepos- 
 sessing, and his attentions to himself flattering. Had he 
 borne any other name in the world, his politeness would 
 have been met with cordiality. As it was, a vague idea 
 that he was duped still most pertinaciously occupied the 
 baronet's mind, and repelled the growing inclination he 
 felt to believe he had been indeed mistaken. By degrees, 
 however, his suspicions gave way, especially when, in reply 
 to one of the baronet's questions, " Whether he had any 
 relative in the Guards ?" Ilanbury unhesitatingly informed 
 him that he had an elder brother in the Coldstream, " a 
 man, by the way, Sir Oliver, whom I could much with 
 to introduce to you, as I should like to see whether you 
 would be able to discover in him that personal resemblance 
 to my friend, your son here, which many of our acquaint- 
 ance insist is so very strong a one." 
 
 " Indeed, sir ! " asked Sir Oliver ; "is the likeness so 
 remarkable 1 " 
 
 " Astonishing, many of them affect to say ; but, for my 
 own part, I cannot say I see it in so strong a light as 
 some do, who go the length of asserting that the pair 
 might be taken for twins. Nevertheless, I admit that 
 they are a good deal alike. Indeed, I am not sure but 
 that this resemblance to poor Tom (a worthy fellow at 
 bottom, Sir Oliver, though I fear the dissipated scenes his 
 profession exposes him. to have rendered him not so steady 
 as he used to be) has tended not a little to cement the 
 friendship which exists between your son and myself. 
 Poor Tom ! he certainly often puts me in mind of him ! " 
 
 " Very often, indeed, I should think," returned Sir 
 Oliver. " Confound me if I should know the difference 
 between them." 
 
 " Indeed, Sir Oliver. You have seen my brother, 
 then ? " 
 
 " Why, I rather think I have that is Pray, sir, 
 where may Captain Hanbury be at this moment 1 " 
 
 " Upon my word I can hardly say. In London, it is 
 most likely at least I received a letter from him (here it 
 is), about three days ago, dated from the St. James's 
 Coffee-house ; but he is so very locomotive, that, for 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 109 
 
 thing I know to tlie contrary, he may be in the Hebrides 
 by this time." 
 
 " I fancy, sir," replied the baronet, " he is scarcely so 
 far north. By what you tell me, I am induced to sup- 
 pose that I must have been, for a very few minutes, in his 
 company last night; but come, sir," continued he, " if you 
 are not otherwise engaged, and will favour my son and 
 me with your company to a quiet dinner at my inn, you 
 shall hear the whole history of the occasion of my journey 
 to Oxford, in which, to speak the truth, your brother cuts 
 no inconsiderable figure." 
 
 " You raise my curiosity greatly, Sir Oliver, and I shall 
 feel much pleasure in accepting your invitation." 
 
 During the whole of this dialogue, my Cousin Nicholas, 
 who took no share in it, was busily employed in turning 
 over the leaves of a parcel of books which lay on a side- 
 table, apparently absorbed in his pursuit, and paying very 
 little or no attention to the subject of the duetto in per- 
 formance between his father and his friend ; but now, 
 seeing the former preparing to depart, he closed the 
 volume which he had been examining, and inquired, with 
 much gravity, " Where Sir Oliver would choose to go 
 next ? " 
 
 " Back again to London, to be sure," was the reply ; 
 " but come, before I start, let us see what we can have 
 for dinner, for my journey has made me as hungry as a 
 hunter." 
 
 Nature herself abhors not a vacuum more than did Sir 
 Oliver. The fumes of anger, which had hitherto expanded 
 his chest, and produced an artificial and fallacious pleni- 
 tude, had now, in a great degree, evaporated, and his 
 stomach might by this time be not unaptly compared to 
 .a balloon when an unlucky rent has suffered the major 
 part of its gas to escape. He hurried his two companions 
 to the inn, and ordered an excellent dinner, to which he 
 did ample justice ; nor was either of his guests at all 
 behindhand in following his example. Nicholas, in par- 
 ticular, made a very hearty meal for an invalid ; and the 
 brisk circulation of a few flasks of very tolerable cham- 
 pagne seemed to produce an effect upon him to the 
 
110 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 full as salutary as his favourite "Huxham's Tincture of 
 Bark." 
 
 It was late before the party separated ; nor did they 
 break up for the night till Sir Oliver, who had by this 
 time perfectly recovered his good-humour, voluntarily 
 promised to rescind his determination of returning imme- 
 diately, and to remain a day or two, and recreate his eyes 
 with a sight of the " lions " of the university. 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 Quodcunque ostendis mihi sic incredulus odi. 
 
 HOBACE. 
 
 If ancestry can be in aught believed, 
 
 Descending spirits have conversed with man, 
 And told the secrets of the world unknown. 
 
 HONE. 
 
 A BIDE. A WALK. A SONG. A CONVERSATION. A DRY AKGUMENT. 
 A WET CONCLUSION. 
 
 THE mail-coach, in which I had secured myself a 
 
 passage, contained also within its recesses a fat quaker, a 
 pilot, an ailing child, and a woman afflicted with the 
 toothache. 
 
 There are times when the happy temperament of our 
 minds, arising from the eager anticipation of some expected 
 enjoyment, or the full gratification of some darling desire, 
 attunes our whole soul to harmony, and renders us care- 
 less and unobservant of those minor annoyances, which, in 
 a less joyous mood, would prove no inconsiderable draw- 
 back on our felicity ; there are also times, when, from 
 sheer intensity of mental suffering, our faculties are so 
 entirely absorbed as to remain unaffected by their pre- 
 sence, and even unconscious of their existence. 
 
 Neither of these was at present my lot ; the irritable 
 state of my feelings only rendered me the more alive to 
 the miseries of my situation. The worthy member of the 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. Ill 
 
 Society of Friends, whose ample breadth occupied some- 
 what more than three-fourths of the seat, was my neigh- 
 bour, and pinned me close up in one corner of the vehicle, 
 without the possibility of my effecting a change of posi- 
 tion even to avoid the direct stream of exhalation from 
 the sailor who faced me, redolent of rum. The latter, 
 having succeeded, that morning, in bringing a valuable 
 cargo into the port of London, was now returning, by a less 
 dangerous element, to the seaport to which he belonged, 
 in order to wait for another job of the same kind, and, 
 previously to occupying his present berth, had stowed in 
 rather more than his usual proportion of grog. The female 
 who sat by his side, was, as we soon learned from herself, 
 the wife of an eminent cheesemonger in the Borough, 
 going into the country on a visit to her relations ; the 
 coachman, doubtless for weighty reasons, had allowed her, 
 although contrary to the strict letter of his regulations, to 
 carry her son on her lap, " as he was such a very little 
 one," and the tortures I had already begun to experience 
 were soon added to in a tenfold degree by her insisting on 
 both the windows being closed to prevent the intrusion 
 of the night-air, which, as she averred, much increased 
 her own complaint, and would besides give her " little 
 darling " cold. 
 
 Thus closely wedged, and in an atmosphere to be envied 
 only by the unfortunate Englishmen once confined in the 
 Black-hole at Calcutta, did we " roll along the turnpike 
 road." The quaker snored, the child cried, its mother 
 groaned, while my friend opposite, apparently insensible 
 to all the disagreeables which so much annoyed myself, 
 hummed 
 
 " Here a sheer hulk lies poor Tom Bowling," 
 
 and tendered me his tobacco-box. On my declining to 
 avail myself of this kind offer, in a tone which I laboured 
 to render civil, he ceased his tune, and conveying a 
 respectable portion of " shag" to his own mouth, prepared, 
 with the utmost composure, to accompany my sleeping 
 partner on the right in a most sonorous duet upon the 
 same instrument, Oh ! how I hated the whole party ! 
 
112 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 For nearly an hour had I safc thus, enduring the utmost 
 degree of compression which the human frame is capable 
 of bearing, muttering to myself, at every roll of the coach, 
 " curses not loud but deep," and filling a situation not 
 unlike that of a refractory culprit, whose obstinacy, in 
 refusing to plead, has exposed him to the peine forte et 
 dure, a method by which " the statute in that case made 
 and provided " till lately directed that an answer should 
 be squeezed out of the most refractory. 
 
 My mind was worked up to the highest pitch of 
 irritation, when fortunately the coach stopped, and I 
 perceived, at the door of a solitary public-house by the 
 road-side, a relay with every preparation for changing 
 horses. Eagerly did I avail myself of the opportunity 
 afforded to exchange the confinement I had endured for 
 a state of liberty, if only for a few moments ; to let down 
 the window, open the door, and spring from the vehicle 
 to the ground, was the work of an instant. Heedless of 
 the discomposure my abrupt secession had occasioned 
 within, I proceeded to pace backwards and forwards by 
 the side of the carriage, every limb revelling in its eman- 
 cipation. 
 
 The night was a lovely one 
 
 "The silver moon unclouded held her way 
 Through skies where I could count each little star." 
 
 The air was unusually warm for the time of year, and a 
 gentle breeze gave a tremulous motion to the chequered 
 light of the moonshine falling through the boughs, while 
 its balmy breathings conveyed to the sense all the rich 
 and fragrant perfume of an English spring. The silence 
 was broken alone by the plaintive strains of a soft and 
 mellow voice at a little distance, chanting in a subdued 
 and melancholy tone, which fell gi*ateful on the ear, and 
 harmonized delightfully with the character of the scene. 
 What a contrast to the exhalations of toddy and tobacco, 
 and the serenade from which I had with so much difficulty 
 escaped ! 
 
 The peaceful calm which seemed to envelope all nature, 
 animate and inanimate, operated upon my spirits as a 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 113 
 
 holy charm. My roused and angry passions were fast 
 subsiding into a state of placidity, when the spell was 
 rudely broken, and the sacred stillness of the night invaded 
 by the hoarse voices of the guard and ostler, now high in 
 oath respecting some mischance which had occurred to the 
 'materiel of the coach. 
 
 " My eyes ! here's a rig ! I say, Bill, blow me if this 
 Jiere bar beesn't just asunder -, show us a light !" 
 
 " Ey, ey, Jem, what say ? let me see ; where is it ?" 
 
 u You see ! you be ; vot's the use of your seeing, 
 
 spooney 1 show us a light, I tell 'ee ! " 
 
 Bill obeyed grumbling, and entered the house to pro- 
 cure a candle, with which he soon returned, accompanied 
 by the coachman, who had been discussing a glass of 
 " summut short" within doors, and now added himself to 
 the conclave. 
 
 "Broke, do ye say 1 ?" cried the latter, advancing the 
 lantern towards the suspected fracture ; " so it is, by gum 
 devilish near asunder too. This now was that c d 
 old mare coming down the hill ; always a- kicking, a 
 wicious old beast I vender master keeps sich warmint !" 
 
 " Come, Tom," returned the guard " it's no use to 
 stand growling here ; Bill, get us a bit o' rope, will 'ee ? 
 We must splice her up as well as we can till we gets to 
 B " (the name of the next stage). 
 
 At this moment a human head was protruded from 
 each window of the vehicle. The parley without had 
 reached the ears of the personages within, already dis- 
 turbed by my elopement ; and, although they could not 
 exactly gather the purport of the matter in debate, the 
 manner in which the colloquy was carried on served 
 to induce a suspicion that their own interests were 
 somehow or other implicated in the result of the 
 conference. 
 
 "What cheer, messmates?" asked the pilot, "she 
 won't capsize, will she ? " while the sonorous tones of the 
 Quaker were heard from the opposite opening. Surprised 
 into a temporary deviation from his usual mode of de- 
 livery, yet still preserving that formality of expression, 
 which not even apprehended danger could subdue, N he 
 
 I 
 
Ill MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 exclaimed with unwonted rapidity, " Friend, aileth the 
 leathern conveniency any thing ?" while the fair dispenser 
 of currants and molasses, losing, or forgetting, her toothache 
 in her alarm, half cried, half screamed, as the tar vacated 
 his berth to give his assistance, " Lauk-a-daisey me ! vy 
 vot's the matter vith the shay, I vonders?" 
 
 Finding that the arrangements necessary for the con- 
 tinuing our journey in safety were likely to take up some 
 little time, and aware of the general correctness of a 
 homely adage, " that too many cooks are apt to spoil the 
 broth," I did not presume to encumber with my inefficient 
 aid those whose experience in the mysteries of splicing, 
 dove-tailing, and all the endless varieties of ligature, so 
 much exceeded my own, an aid, too, which, if tendered, 
 would, in all probability, have been rejected with con- 
 tempt. Still less did I feel inclined to exhibit a super- 
 erogatory gallantry in soothing the fears of the appre- 
 hensive matron, to whose grinders alarm had already 
 restored the full power of mastication. Aware, as I am, 
 how much niy character must suffer in the estimation of 
 my female readers from, the confession, I must still 
 honestly avow that I could not find it in my heart to 
 utter one consoling word, or even to assist in quieting the 
 unsavoury " Jacky," who, frightened because lie saw his 
 mother frightened, now added his yells to the harmonic 
 combination. Indeed, my only care was to remove myself 
 as far as possible from the sphere of their influence ; so, 
 telling the coachman that I would walk forward till he 
 should overtake me, I proceeded leisurely on, not a little 
 pleased at the opportunity thus afforded me of enjoying a 
 small portion of so fine an evening, and feeling, I fear, a 
 malignant pleasure at the retributive sufferings now 
 inflicted on some of those who had so long kept me in 
 purgatory. 
 
 I had made but little progress in my walk, and was 
 scarcely clear of Johnny's shrill vociferations, when the 
 same musical and plaintive notes which had attracted my 
 attention previously to the disco very of the accident, again 
 caught my ear. 
 
 The sounds were evidently at no great distance from 
 
LIT COUSIN NICHOLAS. 115 
 
 me, yet seemed to recede as I approached, till, at length, 
 they appeared to become stationary, since I manifestly 
 gained upon them, and could even distinguish a few of the 
 words which my invisible entertainer was singing to a 
 wild but melancholy air. A turn of the road brought me 
 suddenly near the person who was thus, as it seemed, 
 venting his sorrows and complainings to the ear of night, 
 and calling in the aid of harmony to soothe the grief it 
 cannot entirely tranquillize. 
 
 It was the tall figure of a man that now dimly met my 
 view ; he was enveloped in a large cloak, similar to those 
 then used by the military on service, and since in so much 
 request among our students in law and linen drapery. Its 
 ample folds concealed, in a great measure, the proportions 
 of a form of which only a confused outline could be traced 
 beneath the shadow of a couple of tall trees that skirted 
 the road. I could, however, distinguish that the person, 
 whoever he might be, was of a commanding height, in 
 spite of the unfavourableness of the attitude in which he 
 stood, as he remained, with his back turned towards me, 
 leaning over a gate, and, as I conjectured from the posi- 
 tion of his head, gazing earnestly on the brilliant luminary 
 which shone in mild radiance above him. 
 
 As I turned the corner of the hedge which had hitherto 
 concealed him from iny sight, his song ceased. I paused 
 for a moment as I beheld him, but was again advancing, 
 when the recurrence of the strain checked my footsteps. 
 Apparently absorbed in his own contemplations, he had 
 not perceived my approach, and I was now sufficiently 
 near to distinguish, with tolerable precision, the following 
 couplets, which he sang to the same wild melody that had 
 at first attracted my attention, still seeming to address 
 himself to the shining planet on which his eyes were 
 fixed : 
 
 SONG OF THE NIGHT WANDERER. 
 
 There is a low and a lonely vale, 
 
 Where the silver moou shines clearly, 
 And thither I flew to tell my tale 
 
 To one whom I loved full dearly ; 
 
 i 2 
 
116 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 In jocund glee I bounded along, 
 
 And gaily I laugh'd and troll'd my song ; 
 
 Oh the moon ! the lovely moon ! 
 
 Dearer to me the light of the moon 
 Thau the gaudy blaze of the flaunting noon ! 
 
 But the days are gone, and years are fled, 
 Fled too are those hours of brightness ; 
 And the nut-brown curls that waved on my head, 
 
 Are tinged with a silvery whiteness ; 
 And gone is one whom I loved full well, 
 Aud I heard the hollow passing-bell 
 
 As I gazed on the moon, the cold, cold moon ! 
 Yet dearer still is the light of the moon, 
 Oh ! dearer by far than the flaunting noon ! 
 
 There is a low and a lonely tomb, 
 
 Where the grass-green turf is springing, 
 And the wild flowers shed their sweetest perfume, 
 
 And the nightingale's song is singing ; 
 Oh ! there lies one whom I mourn in vain, 
 As I libLen to Philomel's dying strain, 
 
 And sadly gaze on the pensive moon ; 
 I seek the moon, the silent moon, 
 And fly from the gaudy blaze of noon ! 
 
 The voice of the mourner, for such I was convinced he 
 was, ceased. There was nothing in the words themselves, 
 taken abstractedly, which could confirm the idea which I 
 had begun to entertain, that the unknown was labouring 
 under some serious affection of the mind, more than is to 
 be found in a hundred other ultra-sentimental ditties with 
 which the music-shops are so abundantly supplied ; but 
 the tremulous tones in which the song was given, and the 
 deep-drawn sigh, almost amounting to a groan, which fol- 
 lowed it, conveyed to my mind an irresistible conviction 
 that it was the offspring of no fictitious grief, but the 
 simple expression of a genuine and heartfelt sorrow. 
 
 While I hesitated whether I should accost him or not, 
 being unwilling to let him suppose that I had been play- 
 ing the part of an eavesdropper, and witnessing effusions 
 which I readily conceived were not intended to meet the 
 ear of any human being, the singer rose from his position, 
 and proceeded slowly on before me, keeping the same 
 track I was myself pursu ing. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 117 
 
 The lapse of a few seconds brought us nearly on a 
 parallel, when I ventured to give him the usual saluta- 
 tion of a passenger, with a remark on the uncommon 
 beauty of the evening. His reply was courteous, and gave 
 me encouragement, by slackening my steps, to bring rny 
 pace to one more in unison with his own, and to com- 
 mence a desultory sort of conversation. 
 
 He was at first brief enough in his replies, eyeing me 
 occasionally with a suspicious glance ; but finding from 
 my discourse that I was simply a traveller who had left 
 the mail behind me, his reserve in a great measure gave 
 way, and he let me understand that he, like myself, was a 
 passenger, and by the same conveyance, but with this 
 difference, that while I rioted (Heaven save the mark !) 
 in all the aristocratical luxury of an inside place, he had 
 contented himself with the humble exaltation, if I may 
 make use of so paradoxical an expression, of the roof. 
 Feeling himself a little cramped, he, too, it seemed, had 
 availed himself of the same opportunity to execute a 
 manoeuvre similar to the one I had adopted, having 
 descended from his Olympus the moment the coach 
 stopped. 
 
 He now began to express his surprise that it had not 
 overtaken him, a circumstance which I accounted for by 
 mentioning the injury which it had sustained by the 
 fracture of the bar (the discovery of which his walking on 
 at once had prevented him from knowing), and thus satis- 
 fied him that an apprehension he had begun to entertain, 
 that the coachman might have passed him unobserving 
 and unobserved, was unfounded. 
 
 As our conversation continued, I had an opportunity 
 of observing him more narrowly, and was surprised to 
 find that he was by no means so far advanced in life as 
 some expressions in his song had led me to expect : he 
 appeared, indeed, to have scarcely passed the prime of 
 manhood, while the firmness of his tread, and the athletic 
 uprightness of his figure, if they wanted the springing 
 elasticity of youth, were at least equally removed from 
 the enervation of age. As he occasionally raised his 
 head, the moonbeams gave additional wanness to a face 
 
118 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 the features of which, though bold and masculine, were 
 regular, but of an ashy paleness. He had the air of one 
 who has seen and suffered much ; while the gentlemanly 
 ease of his deportment, and that indescribable something, 
 more easily understood than expressed, which usually 
 marks the manners and demeanour of a military man, 
 announced him a soldier. 
 
 Insensibly our conversation from commonplace remarks 
 took a more interesting turn, and a casual allusion having 
 drawn forth an explicit avowal of his profession, the dis- 
 course not unnaturally diverged t.o the various chr; 
 and chances of a military life; thence to the different 
 climes and countries through which, in the course of 
 service, it is not unfrequently the soldier's lot to wander. 
 
 On all these subjects I found my companion possessed 
 of such information as evinced that, in his progress through 
 life, he had not hurried on with a careless or unobservant 
 eye. The few sentences with which he had at first replied 
 to my observations increased in frequency and length ; 
 and as the subject of his profession its arduous duties, 
 its pleasures, and its cares came more under our review, 
 the deep dejection under which he had originally appeared 
 to labour softened into an expression of equanimity at 
 times almost rising into cheerfulness. Every succeeding 
 moment I grew more pleased with the manner and senti- 
 ments of my new acquaintance ; and heartily should I have 
 regretted the arrival of the vehicle which was to convey 
 us to the place of our destination, had I not recollected 
 that it rested with myself to decide whether our inter- 
 view should be thus abruptly cut short or not. 
 
 The rolling of wheels, the pattering of horses' hoofs, in 
 conjunction with the cracking of the coachman's whip and 
 the shrill tantivy of the guard's horn, were now heard at 
 a short distance in our rear, and announced the approach- 
 ing termination of our walk. 
 
 I had, as I have said already, fostered an incipient 
 design of emigration from the interior to the exterior of 
 that " infernal machine ;" and I was abundantly confirmed 
 in my intention, when, on its coming up, and the guard 
 tendering me his arm to assist me in resuming the situa- 
 
MY COUSIX NICHOLAS. 119 
 
 tion I had quitted, I discovered, through the medium of 
 more senses than one, that a most serious catastrophe had 
 taken place there during my absence. 
 
 Master Johnny had, it seems, previously to his intro- 
 duction into that sepulchre of the living, been tolerably 
 well provisioned for his journey. Independently of a 
 hearty supper on ham and oysters, his pockets had been 
 crammed with a fanciful variety of sweetmeats, and he 
 had been farther furnished forth with a huge plum-cake, 
 which he carried, enveloped in brown paper, on his knees. 
 On this said cake he had commenced a formidable attack 
 before we had reached the first milestone out of London ; 
 and as the poor child laboured most heartily in his voca- 
 tion, by the time we had arrived at the end of the first 
 stage, he had reduced his "Ossa to a wart." An addition 
 BO vast, and composed of such discordant materials, to the 
 load with which she was previously encumbered, was a 
 burthen far heavier than Dame Nature chose to bear : 
 the goddess turned restive ; and the exertion used by the 
 young gentleman in expressing his tribulation assisting 
 her endeavours, 110 sooner did the coach " move on " again, 
 than, by a sudden and vigorous effort, she succeeded in 
 disengaging herself from a considerable portion of the 
 weight which oppressed her, transferring the onus to the 
 lap of the Quaker in the opposite corner, to the visible dis- 
 composure and defilement of his outward man. 
 
 The patience of Friend Penn himself could scarcely 
 have withstood so sudden and so severe a trial, much less 
 that of Hezekiah Brimmer, whom Satan seized the oppor- 
 tunity to buffet sorely, and, like a cunning fiend as he is, 
 nearly succeeded, more than once, in forcing an ugly 
 word of malediction beyond the aperture of the good 
 man's lips. 
 
 As it was, Hezekiah seized the unlucky culprit with 
 the arm of the flesh, and shook him unmercifully; but 
 this ill-advised measure only served to produce a repeti- 
 tion of the offence, by which, from the different attitude 
 which poor John had been forced to assume, his mamma 
 and the honest tar now became fellow-sufferers. As the 
 guard opened the door, the storm within was at its 
 
120 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 height ; aiid it may be questioned whether a greater con- 
 fusion of tongues was heard in Babel itself within the 
 same number of square feet. 
 
 I did not hesitate a moment as to the course to be pur- 
 sued, but, bidding the man close the door, sprang up the 
 side of the carriage, and placed myself by my late com- 
 panion, who had already re-occupied his seat. Half a 
 crown to the coachman procured me the loan of a super- 
 numerary surtout, well calculated to keep out the night- 
 air j and, thus caparisoned, I felt myself in an absolute 
 Paradise compared with the Tartarus now immediately 
 below me. If I might judge by the satisfaction he 
 expressed, the arrangement was not less agreeable to my 
 fellow-traveller than to myself : he was still, indeed, at 
 times pensive and abstracted ; but his conversation, 
 though of a grave and sombre cast, possessed an unde- 
 fined charm that continued to amuse and interest me 
 exceedingly. 
 
 I know not how it happened that our discourse, which 
 had hitherto been confined principally to the manners, cus- 
 toms, and habits of foreign nations, as compared with or 
 distinguished from our own, now turned insensibly upon 
 their superstitions. The Brownie of Scotland, the Obi 
 ol the Negroes, the Hungarian Vampire, the German 
 Rubezahl, and even the now nearly subverted empire of 
 the Fairies in our own country all came by turns under 
 our review. 
 
 It was not till the famous and inexhaustible subject of 
 ghosts became our theme that the slightest discordance of 
 opinion existed between us ; but when this celebrated 
 topic came at last upon the tapis, I could not but perceive 
 an evident and decided reluctance in my companion to 
 enter upon the discussion. The levity with which I at 
 first treated the notion of a visit from the dead to the 
 living seemed, I could not imagine why, to displease 
 him : his answers to my remarks, if not absolutely petu- 
 lant, were delivered in a tone by no means consonant with 
 that urbanity and self-possession which he had up to this 
 moment invariably maintained. His constrained replies 
 ended at length in a pause of more than common duration. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 121 
 
 In the mean time the singular stillness and brilliancy 
 of the night, the countless myriads of burning stars that 
 gemmed the dark-blue heavens above us, the mild and 
 mellow lustre that prevailed, interrupted only by the 
 momentary coruscations of some transient meteor, num- 
 bers of which, like stars darting from their spheres, 
 occasionally shed a gleam of surpassing radiance as they 
 winged their way across the expanse, the finely-con- 
 trasted shades of the brown woods which clothed on 
 either hand a sort of defile, at the entrance of which we 
 had now arrived, and up whose steep ascent our con- 
 ductor allowed his horses to proceed at an easier pace, 
 all, the whole scene, which developed Nature in her 
 most captivating state of tranquil majesty, so enchanted 
 me, that, with the subject we had been discussing fresh in 
 my mind, I could not forbear exclaiming, in the words of 
 the poet, 
 
 "How sweet and solemn is this midnight scene ! 
 At such an hour as this, in such a spot, 
 If ancestry can be in aught believed, 
 Descending spirits have conversed with man, 
 And told the secrets of the world unknown ! " 
 
 My companion shuddered as I pronounced the last two 
 lines, and fixed his gaze alternately on the woods that 
 hemmed us in on either side, as if he indeed expected to 
 behold some supernatural visitant issue from their deep 
 recesses. The wild expression of his countenance was 
 altogether so remarkable, that I could not avoid taking 
 notice of it. 
 
 " Really, sir," I continued, laughing, " I could almost 
 persuade myself that you had indeed resolved to give that 
 credence to our worthy ancestors on this formidable sub- 
 ject which their unbelieving posterity seem determined to 
 refuse them." 
 
 " And why should I not 1 " returned he, in a voice 
 serious even to sadness, and betraying, as I imagined, 
 some slight token of displeasure ; " what is there so absurd 
 in the idea that the disembodied spirit should yet desire 
 to linger among the scenes it has delighted in, or joy to 
 
122 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 watch over and protect the happiness of those whom it 
 has loved ] " 
 
 "Absurd? nay, I do not go the length of pronounc- 
 ing the idea absurd ; the theory, on the contrary, is a 
 mighty pretty one, and at times I am almost tempted to 
 regret that it rests on so unsubstantial a foundation. For 
 my own part I should desire nothing better than to dis- 
 cover the ghost of some good-natured grandmother occa- 
 sionally at my elbow, with sage hints for the better con- 
 ducting of my life and manners ; 'or some maiden aunt, 
 of a dozen generations' standing, extending her long and 
 bony linger to intimate where I might replenish an 
 exhausted exchequer by the discovery of some recondite 
 pot of money." 
 
 The voice of my companion assumed additional stern- 
 ness as he replied " These, and silly tales like these, the 
 foolish inventions of boys and idiots, the babblings of 
 nurses, and the visionary dreams of mercenary blockheads, 
 eager in believing what they earnestly wish for these 
 they are that have thrown suspicion on the actual visits 
 of immortal beings, undertaken for far higher purposes, 
 and with far nobler designs than the pointing out a few 
 ounces of sordid dross, or with the still more contemptible 
 view of exciting causeless terror in beings so infinitely 
 below their purified nature. These are the tales which 
 the careless and the vain mix up, and associate in their 
 imagination with recorded facts of a more dignified 
 description, facts to the authenticity of which some of 
 the wisest and best of men have borne testimony in all 
 ages of the world." 
 
 " I am fully aware," rejoined I, " that many of the 
 narratives you allude to appear to rest upon no mean 
 authority ; that Plutarch, for instance, has given us 
 several, while, in more modern times, the comprehensive 
 mind of that ' giant in intellect,' our own Johnson, was 
 deeply imbued with a similar persuasion ; yet, neverthe- 
 less I cannot help imputing the whole system, which has 
 obtained from the darker ages down to our more enlight- 
 ened days, either to successful imposture, or to the effects 
 of a strong imagination operating upon weak nerves. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 123 
 
 That many of these traditionary anecdotes were firmly 
 believed by the persons who have handed them down, 
 and even by some who were actors in the scenes described, 
 I entertain no doubt ; still I am not a whit the nearer 
 giving my assent to ' the actual appearance of any one 
 spectre, from that of Ccesar down to the scarcely less cele- 
 brated one of Sir George Yilliers, or Mrs. Yeal with her 
 ' rustling silk gown.' " 
 
 " And on what is this disbelief founded ? You doubt- 
 less admit that Providence governs the world by general 
 laws ; what is there, then, ridiculous in supposing that 
 those laws may be occasionally dispensed with if, indeed, 
 they can be said to be dispensed with at all, for we posi- 
 tively know nothing of their constitutions, when the 
 high and inscrutable purposes of Heaven require it ? 
 when the detection of secret guilt, or the punishment of 
 open villany, demand its interference ? " 
 
 u Well," cried I, in the same tone which I had main- 
 tained throughout the whole conversation, " on occasions 
 of such moment as those to which you allude, still less 
 should I wish to deny myself to any deceased gentleman 
 or lady who might think proper to favour me with a call. 
 The redressing of wrong and the re-establishing of right 
 is a glorious task, and, with a ghost to back one, and 
 take all the responsibility upon itself, must be especi- 
 ally delightful ; 1 really could almost wish I might be 
 selected by some aerial avenger for so very respectable an 
 office." 
 
 " Now, Heaven in its mercy forbid !" exclaimed he, with 
 a wild energy that made me start, then clasping his hand, 
 which still quivered with some strong emotion, " You 
 know not what you are asking ; rash and unthinking 
 young man, bitterly would you rue the hour should your 
 mad wish be granted ! " 
 
 His whole frame shook with agitation, his eyes glis- 
 tened in the moonlight with an unnatural brightness, and 
 his tones sank into even sepulchral hoarseness, as he con- 
 tinued " No ! Heaven forbid that another wretch should 
 suffer the torments which have been mine since first this 
 dreadful commission was enjoined me ! " 
 
124 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 He paused, and, unclasping his hands, covered with 
 them the whole of his countenance. 
 
 During the latter part of his ejaculation he had appeared 
 to have become totally unconscious of my presence ; and 
 the strange import of the words he had used, together 
 with the violent agitation which assailed him, combined 
 to give strength to an opinion I had before begun to form, 
 that the intellects of my new acquaintance were, on this 
 point at least, not altogether unclouded. True, that on 
 every other subject his conversation had been of a superior 
 description ; that he had diffused, with no sparing hand, 
 much valuable information, chastened by a correctness of 
 thinking, a genuine taste and elegance of expression, that 
 evinced the richness and cultivation of his mind : still I 
 was quite aware that among the melancholy victims of 
 mental aberration, such circumstances are by no means 
 uncommon ; that, in numerous instances, the fatal malady 
 lies dormant and unsuspected, till some one preconceived 
 and rooted idea, which has warped the imagination, is 
 accidentally called into play, and succeeds, for a time, in 
 driving reason from her throne. 
 
 Such, I now began to be apprehensive, might be the 
 unhappy condition of my fellow-traveller, when, his emo- 
 tion having at length in some degree subsided, I ventured 
 to direct his attention to the faint streak of golden light 
 that now marked the extremity of the horizon, as the 
 gray tints of morning succeeded the darker shadows of a 
 night fast hastening to its close. 
 
 But my hopes of thus diverting his thoughts from what, 
 I felt convinced, was a subject of pain and distress to him, 
 proved abortive. In vain did I point out to his observa- 
 tion the beauties of the surrounding landscape, which 
 every moment rendered more distinct ; in vain did the 
 mounting skylark welcome with his cheerful notes the 
 first beam of the rising sun, that glittered on his little 
 breast, while all below lay yet unconscious of its cheering 
 influence , in vain did vegetation, redolent of sweetness, 
 convey to the charmed sense the choicest perfume ; wrapt 
 in a melancholy gloom, he appeared dead to the charms 
 of Nature that surrounded him, while the few replies, 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 125 
 
 which I at times succeeded in eliciting, were so cold and 
 constrained, and were pronounced with an air so distrcdt, 
 that I at length ceased to importune him by remarks, 
 which only seemed to annoy him, and, turning my thoughts 
 inward for the remainder of the journey, became insensibly 
 almost as abstracted as himself. 
 
 My cogitations, it must be confessed, were by no means 
 of an agreeable nature. Wounded in every feeling by the 
 unaccountable conduct of Lord Manningham, I would 
 have given worlds for power to banish him and his lovely 
 daughter from my recollection, and to have " left them to 
 their pride ;" but this I found myself utterly incapable of 
 performing ; my chains were too securely riveted to be so 
 easily shaken off ; I loved with all the intensity of a young 
 and first passion ; and as I recalled to mind the pleasing 
 thought that she at least had given me no offence, hope 
 failed not to whisper that the behaviour of her father, if 
 indeed it had ever reached her knowledge, must be viewed 
 by her with the same disapprobation as it was by myself. 
 
 Youth is naturally vain and sanguine, and I flattered 
 myself that the time spent in her company at the theatre 
 had not been thrown away, though what on earth could 
 have taken her into that part of it, so accompanied, was 
 a mystery beyond my power to solve. If I had read the 
 language of her expressive eyes aright, the penchant had 
 been reciprocal ; and as this delightful idea took posses- 
 sion of my imagination, the remembrance of his lordship's 
 strange harshness comparatively faded from my mind. I 
 began to rack my invention to furnish excuses for his con- 
 duct ; an eager desire laid hold upon me to unravel the 
 mistake which I became more and more convinced must 
 have taken place, and to receive the apologies which, at 
 the denouement, he would undoubtedly tender to my 
 acceptance with 110 small confusion of face. 
 
 I was roused from my reverie by a circumstance which 
 threatened utterly to subvert all my castle-building in the 
 very outset ; this was no other than the overturning of 
 the coach, and my consequent descent in a narrow but 
 rapid stream, that ran beneath a bridge, on the centre of 
 which we were when the accident occurred. 
 
126 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 What was the immediate cause of our sudden descent 
 is more than I ain able to state ; whether the tackling 
 and cordage, so plentifully lavished by " Bill " upon the 
 fractured splinter-bar, had given way, in spite of all the 
 combined science of himself and honest Jack, or whether 
 any other part of the machinery had been equally unsound, 
 I cannot say ; all I know is, that I found myself in a 
 moment up to my neck in the river. 
 
 Of all sublunary applications there is, perhaps, not one 
 which possesses greater efficacy in a love case than that 
 of a good sousing in cold water ; if its effects fail to be 
 permanent, they at least give the fit a complete check for 
 the time ; and in cases where a radical cure is out of the 
 question, that is no trifling point gained. Heaven is my 
 witness I confess it with shame that for a full hour 
 after my ducking, I thought no more of Amelia Stafford 
 than I did of the Lady Gocliva. 
 
 Notwithstanding the impediment thrown in my way 
 by my borrowed " Upper Benjamin," I was not long in 
 regaining the bank. The coachman I found already upon 
 his legs : he had fajlen against the parapet of the bridge, 
 which, at the expense of a pretty severe bruise, had pre- 
 vented his going over. The same parapet had also saved 
 the carriage itself from being dashed upon the ground : it 
 rested against its edge ; and though the shock was severe, 
 the occupants of the interior of the coach were, through 
 this fortunate interposition, much more alarmed than 
 injured. They were relieved from the awkwardness of 
 their recumbent position, without much difficulty, by the 
 assistance of the guard, who, clinging to the iron-work of 
 his seat, had escaped being thrown off at all. 
 
 It was not till the lapse of a few seconds had enabled 
 me to recover from the confusion I had fallen into from 
 the united effects of the tumble, and of the quantity of 
 cold water which I had unwillingly swallowed, that I 
 missed my companion. 
 
 He was not on the bridge ; he was nowhere to be seen. 
 I rushed back to the spot where I had contrived to 
 scramble out of the water, and, as I cast a hurried glance 
 down the river, saw one of his arms rise above the surface, 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 127 
 
 at some distance down the current, which was bearing 
 him rapidly away. 
 
 I flew rather than ran along the bank, till I arrived 
 opposite the spot where I could behold him faintly strug- 
 gling to disencumber himself of the cloak, which impeded 
 all his efforts, and would have reduced him, in a very few 
 minutes more, to a similar condition with those imma- 
 terial beings for whose " revisiting the glimpses of the 
 inoon" he had shown himself so sturdy a stickler. If, 
 however, his cloak had hitherto occasioned his danger, it 
 now served as an instrument of release from his perilous 
 position, as the firm grasp which I was enabled to take of 
 it conduced not a little to his preservation. 
 
 When I had succeeded in dragging him up the bank, 
 he was so completely exhausted as to be incapable of sup- 
 porting himself, and indeed was scarcely sensible of his 
 situation ; but by degrees his recollection, as well as some 
 portion of his energy, returned, and he was at length able, 
 with the assistance of my arm, to regain the high road. 
 
 The place where this disaster had befallen us was 
 fortunately just at the entrance of a considerable village, 
 the inhabitants of which had, from no great distance, 
 witnessed our mishap, and now came running down to 
 offer their aid, and ask questions. These, in our present 
 dripping condition, I felt very little inclined to answer ; 
 so, cutting short a long string of interrogatories, such as 
 " Whether the gentleman was much hurt T' " Whether 
 we had been in the water?" a fact no human looker-on 
 could possibly doubt for an instant, and others of a 
 similar cast, I proceeded, with as much expedition as the 
 weakened state of my protege would admit, to where a 
 tall sign-post exposed to view the Kit-Cat effigy of a 
 gentleman with an iron cuirass and a bald head, which 
 the neighbourhood had agreed, in courtesy to the land- 
 lord, to consider a striking likeness of the Marquis of 
 Granby. 
 
 "Whoe'er has travell'd life's dull round, 
 
 Where'er his various course has been, 
 May sigh to think how oft he found 
 His warmest welcome at an inn !" 
 
128 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 So says Shenstone ; and for my own part, I am little 
 inclined to dispute the truth of the poet's axiom. On 
 this occasion, especially, the round and ruby-coloured face 
 of our good-humoured landlady, Mrs. Blenkinsop, already 
 shining with all the radiance of a well-scrubbed mahogany 
 table, exhibited tenfold lustre as she welcomed us into a 
 snug little room behind the bar. 
 
 This " shady, blest retreat" was furnished with a 
 variety of huge case-bottles, that promised much of com- 
 fort, and disclosed besides to our enraptured gaze the still 
 more cheering prospect of a blazing fire to persons in 
 our predicament, perhaps, the greatest desideratum on 
 earth. 
 
 It was in vain that I requested my companion to retire 
 to bed ; nor were the assurances of Mrs. Blenkinsop that 
 " her beds were well aired, and good enough for a lord to 
 lie on," of more avail : he persisted in his refusal, declaring 
 that a tumbler of mulled port, and a change of dress, were 
 all that was requisite to the restoration of his comfort. 
 I thought otherwise ; but he was deaf to persuasion, and, 
 like most obstinate people, carried his point. The wine, 
 by our landlady's assistance, was soon procured ; and 
 under the same auspices a lad was despatched to the 
 fractured vehicle for our baggage. 
 
 The Marquis of Granby, whose hospitable walls now 
 afforded us an asylum, was, I well knew, in point of dis- 
 tance, scarcely more than twelve miles from IJnderdown ; 
 and as, now that the disarrangement which iny person 
 had undergone, inside as well as out, was tolerably recti- 
 fied, I found myself very little, if at all, the worse for my 
 aquatic adventure, I requested mine hostess, who was 
 evidently lady of the ascendant, to inform me if her hotel, 
 among its other excellences, could afford the luxury of a 
 postchaise. 
 
 In fact, I did not feel by any means inclined to trust 
 my neck farther to a conveyance organized of such frail 
 materials as woful experience had convinced me the one 
 from which I had so nearly met the fate of Phaeton was 
 composed of; nor should I have repeated the experiment, 
 even had the delay I must have submitted to during the 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. . 129 
 
 necessary repairs been out of the question. With a 
 multiplicity of courtesies, each succeeding one lower than 
 the former, the good-natured little woman assured me 
 that I could be accommodated with "a very elegant" one, 
 the unoccupied corner of which I frankly offered to my 
 new acquaintance, who was, I found, as desirous as myself 
 of proceeding with all convenient despatch. At the same 
 time I assured him, that if the urgency of his affairs would 
 allow him to accept the hospitality of the Hall, I could 
 venture, in the absence of my worthy uncle, its proprietor, 
 to assure him a cordial welcome from my mother ; adding, 
 with more of levity than caution, that " a renowned 
 ancestor of mine, one Sir Roger de Bullwinkle, who was 
 said nightly to perambulate the mansion armed cap-a-pie, 
 might possibly furnish him with an additional argument 
 in favour of his theory of Ghosts and Goblins." 
 
 The words had hardly escaped my lips when the change 
 in his countenance showed me that I had been wrong in 
 hazarding this ill-timed pleasantry. When I named the 
 redoubted Roger, he recoiled with a shuddering earnest- 
 ness, as if he had been about to tread upon a viper ; and 
 his eyes gleamed with an expression almost amounting to 
 ferocity. His nether lip quivered with suppressed emo- 
 tion, and his voice faltered, as, after a brief pause, he 
 indistinctly declined a proposal which, from the smile that 
 had lit up his countenance at its commencement, I had 
 made myself certain he would have accepted. 
 
 Heartily vexed with myself at my want of consider- 
 ation, I apologized for the allusion, and again pressed him. 
 to accompany me. He continued, however, firm in his 
 refusal, while he shook his head mournfully, and, as it now 
 seemed to me, " more in sorrow than in anger," telling 
 me that he began to fear he had indeed overrated his 
 strength when he proposed continuing his journey so 
 soon, that he should therefore give up the idea, and 
 seek such repose as his pillow might afford him. 
 
 I was not less pleased than surprised at this determi- 
 nation, as I really thought a good warm bed and medical 
 attendance most fitting, by far, for a person who had 
 .suffered from remaining in the water so long as ho had 
 
 K 
 
130 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 done ; I no longer, therefore, endeavoured to shake his 
 resolution, but contented myself with pressing him ear- 
 nestly to favour me with a visit before he quitted that 
 part of the country. 
 
 With an air and look solemn even to dejection, he pro- 
 mised that he " would see me again ;" and, taking up my 
 valise, which I had thrown carelessly upon the table, 
 handed it to the multifarious personage who, in the several 
 capacities of boots, waiter, ostler, and occasionally cham- 
 bermaid, was minister for the home department at the 
 Granby's Head. 
 
 Before he altogether relinquished it to the grasp of the 
 aforesaid functionary, his eye rested upon the brass plate 
 which occupied its centre. 
 
 " Charles Stafford, Esq.," read he. " That, then, is the 
 name of my preserver ?" 
 
 " Of your fellow-passenger," returned I, as, giving up 
 the valise to the man who placed it in the chaise, he took 
 my hand " Of your fellow-passenger, and of one who 
 hopes soon to see you perfectly recovered from the effects 
 of a ducking which he would have been glad to have 
 prevented altogether." 
 
 I had one foot upon the step of the chaise, Mister 
 Boots was holding open the door and gazing on me with 
 glances, sharpened by expectation ; my mysterious com- 
 panion wrung my hand strongly, " Adieu ! " uttered he, 
 in an agitated tone, " adieu ! young gentleman, and 
 may Heaven grant that you may never have reason to 
 curse bitterly the hour in which you drew me from the 
 stream !" 
 
 He turned abruptly from me, and the postboy, cracking 
 his whip, set off in a canter towards Underdown, before 
 I had half recovered from the surprise which my new 
 friend's strange adjuration had thrown me into. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 131 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 Home ! home ! Sweet, sweet home ! 
 There's no place like ho-ome ! 
 There's no place like home 1 
 
 BISHOP. 
 
 Canst thou not minister to a mind diseas'd ? 
 Pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow, 
 Haze out the written troubles of the brain, 
 And with some sweet oblivious antidote 
 Cleanse the foul bosom of that perilous staff 
 That weighs upon the heart ? 
 
 Macbeth in Trouble. 
 
 A RETURN. AN INVALID. A SNUBBING. A CHARGE. A CALLING 
 IN. A CALLING OUT. 
 
 LITTLE more than an hour had elapsed when the tall 
 chimneys of the Hall, which, like most of those belong- 
 ing to buildings of the same era, towered high above its 
 slanting roofs and gable ends, appeared, rising over the 
 summits of the lofty trees that embosomed the edifice, and 
 giving to it, when viewed from a distance, almost the air 
 of a castellated mansion. 
 
 There is a something in the return to our home, however 
 short the period of our absence from it may have been, 
 which always produces a kindly and complacent feeling in 
 our bosoms ; and this feeling acquires tenfold strength 
 when we know that the roof we are revisiting contains 
 beneath it hearts which will throb at our arrival with 
 sensations responsive to our own. In spite of the un- 
 pleasant and irritating circumstances which had occasioned 
 my unexpected return, I could not help experiencing this 
 genial glow, as the chaise, issuing from the long avenue of 
 sturdy oaks, the scene of my Cousin Nicholas's early 
 achievements in the art of horsemanship, drew up to the 
 steps which led to the antique portal, over whose high and 
 pointed arch the " three golden fetterlocks " of the Bull- 
 winkles stood forth in strong relief. 
 
132 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 Tlie current of my ideas underwent a sudden and 
 immediate revulsion as the venerable butler presented 
 himself to receive me. The subdued alacrity, the sober 
 energy of manner, with which this ancient retainer of the 
 family was wont to welcome home any of its members, 
 had sunk into an appearance of sadness and depression. 
 As I hastily sprang past the inferior domestic who opened 
 the chaise-door for me, I saw at once that some calamity 
 was impending over the house, and had occasioned this 
 unwonted gravity in the most attached of its dependents. 
 Sir Oliver was absent ; my mother, then, was ill was 
 dead ! 
 
 A cold shudder ran through my veins as the dreadful 
 idea presented itself to my imagination ; and I expe- 
 rienced a degree of relief amounting to thankfulness 
 when I found that my fears were not verified in their 
 fullest extent, although but too sufficient reason remained 
 for apprehension. 
 
 Mrs. Stafford had indeed been seized with sudden 
 indisposition a few da} r s before my arrival, on perusing 
 a letter which she had received from London, the con- 
 tents of which had evidently created in her no slight 
 degree of agitation. 
 
 Her illness had at first excited much alarm, but, as it 
 tras now hoped, had taken a favourable turn. She had 
 expressed a strong desire to see her son, and had requested 
 that I might be summoned as soon as possible. An express 
 had accordingly been got ready, but was countermanded 
 afterwards by her own positive orders, since which she 
 had sunk into a kind of apathetic lethargy, the more 
 unaccountable inasmuch as the first approaches of her 
 disorder had been attended by symptoms of so different 
 and so much more violent a nature. 
 
 Such w r as the account imparted to me by Jennings as I 
 entered the vestibule ; and I had no reason either to 
 doubt the accuracy of his intelligence, or to be for one 
 moment at a loss to divine the cause which had produced 
 so lamentable an effect. 
 
 I have already said that a strong affection for my 
 mother was one of the most rooted principles of my 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 133 
 
 nature ; it was entwined with the very fibres of my 
 heart ; and a degree of bitterness, greater than I had 
 supposed it possible for any circumstance to have origi- 
 nated in my mind towards a human being, now swelled 
 my bosom against Lord Manningham, and almost rose to 
 my lips in curses. 
 
 That "the letter," the perusal of which had thus 
 affected my mother, was of his lordship's inditing, I 
 could not entertain a doubt ; that it contained some tale 
 a tale so dreadful to a fond parent's ear of a loved 
 son's disgrace, was still less to be questioned ; and as the 
 events of the week gone by, which Miss Stafford's beauty 
 had partly succeeded in banishing from my mind, now 
 rushed in irresistible strength upon my recollection, 
 deeply as I felt the indignity I had sustained, a thousand 
 times more deeply did I resent the sufferings inflicted by 
 it upon my beloved parent. 
 
 The good old Jennings, who observed the emotions I 
 so plainly exhibited, opened the door of the breakfast- 
 parlour, and respectfully followed me into it. He seemed 
 affected by my distress ; nevertheless, through the habitual 
 deference which the faithful fellow preserved towards me, 
 I could not but perceive a degree of constraint, and a 
 reserve of manner, which told me, quite as plain as words 
 could have done, that, in his opinion, my own conduct had 
 drawn down this visitation upon me, and that to it only 
 had I to look for a solution of the cause of my mother's 
 indisposition. 
 
 With this man I had been a favourite from a child. 
 From the first hour in which I had been introduced at 
 the Hall, Jennings had exhibited, in a thousand ways, the 
 preference with which he had distinguished me above his 
 young master a preference which grew only the more 
 obvious as we advanced in years, and which doubtless 
 derived its origin from the love and respect he, in com- 
 mon with all the old domestics, had ever entertained for 
 my mother, whose secession from her paternal roof they 
 had seen with feelings of regret, little alleviated by the 
 conduct of her successor, Lady Nelly. Of all the servants 
 of the family who luid witnessed her abdication, Jennings 
 
134 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 alone had remained to hail her re-establishment, and had, 
 in fact, from his known and tried attachment, been con- 
 sidered, both by her and myself, rather in the light of an 
 humble friend than of a common menial. 
 
 Conscious as I was of the falsehood of the charge which 
 his sorrowful and penetrating look seemed to impute to 
 me, my spirit rose against the fancied accusation, and 
 with an air of infinitely greater hauteur than I had ever 
 before exhibited towards him, or any other domestic, I 
 ordered him to let Mrs. Stafford be informed of my 
 arrival, and of my wish to be admitted immediately to 
 her presence. 
 
 " Ah, Master Charles ! " replied the old man, mourn- 
 fully shaking his hoary head as he retired, while an 
 unbidden tear seemed starting from his eye. " But I 
 shall do your bidding, sir." 
 
 He closed the door slowly, and, as I thought, reluctantly, 
 behind him ; a pang of self-disapprobation seized upon 
 me as it shut him from my view, and I half moved 
 forward to retract my petulance, and dismiss him with a 
 kindlier greeting. The thought unavoidably occurred, 
 Why did I feel offended with him ? Whence arose that 
 mild dejection of his furrowed countenance which I had 
 construed into unmerited upbraiding 2 Whence but from 
 the regard he bore to my mother, and why should I 
 deny it ? to myself. Still, the consciousness that it was 
 unmerited restrained me, and checked the impulse which 
 inclined me to follow him. 
 
 In a few minutes, which were passed by me in the 
 utmost anxiety, and which appeared to my impatience 
 prolonged to as many hours, he returned. 
 
 " Mrs. Stafford was asleep." 
 
 Unable to remain longer by myself in such an annoying 
 state of suspense, I walked hastily towards the staircase, 
 extending my hand to Jennings as I passed. The old 
 man took it reverently, and would have raised it to his 
 lips, but, with a cordial pressure that bespoke my com- 
 punction for having treated him with unwonted harsh- 
 ness, I released it from his grasp, and directed my steps 
 to the apartment of my mother. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 135 
 
 A silence still and solemn as that of death reigned 
 throughout the room, while the halt-closed shutters and 
 shadowing curtains, that admitted but a few faint rays ot 
 light, contributed not a little to the gloom of the scene. 
 
 I advanced to the foot of the bed, and gazed upon my 
 mother. She was wrapped in slumber, but her sleep 
 seemed ever and anon disturbed ; and the frequent con- 
 traction of her brow, as a deep-drawn sigh or a few 
 broken and unconnected words occasionally escaped her, 
 announced that all was not at peace within. At such 
 moments her favourite attendant Martha, who with Miss 
 Pyefinch watched her pillow on opposite sides, would rise 
 and look anxiously at her pale countenance, the snowy 
 hue of which was only invaded by a small spot of vivid 
 red that marked the centre of each cheek, and exhibited 
 to the view a hectic glow as dangerous as it was beautiful. 
 But her affectionate gaze was met by no answering 
 gLince : my mother still reposed, if repose that could be 
 called, when the restless and variable expression of her 
 features showed that her mind, at least, was far from 
 enjoying tranquillity. She was indeed much altered since 
 I had seen her last ; and I trembled with newly-awakened 
 apprehension as the idea took possession of me, that a 
 short, a very short, period might deprive me of my only 
 parent. 
 
 Finding it impossible to suppress my emotion, and 
 warned by the impressive gestures of her attendants that 
 the uncontrolled ebullition of my feelings might disturb 
 and arouse her, I quitted the room as silently as I had 
 entered it, but with a heavy heart. Miss Pyefinch fol- 
 lowed, and, in her way, endeavoured to offer me consola- 
 tion. Notwithstanding her eccentricity, and some other 
 points in her character which might perhaps have been 
 altered to advantage, she was not a bad-hearted woman 
 in the main. I verily believe she participated in the 
 sorrow into Vhich she beheld me plunged, and would 
 have done anything in her power to have alleviated it ; 
 but her endeavours were far better in the intent than 
 the execution ; and at length I, not without difficulty, 
 succeeded in persuading her to leave me to myself, after 
 
136 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 she had given me all the information in her power to 
 communicate respecting the commencement of this alarm- 
 ing accession to my mother's malady j her information, 
 however, amounted to little more than I had previously 
 gathered from the relation of the honest Jennings. 
 
 After more than half an hour, spent in a state the 
 irksorneness of which may be easily imagined, I was 
 favoured with a communication from Dr. Drench, who 
 had arrived to visit his patient. The information he gave 
 me contributed not a little to re-assure me, as he said he 
 found her much better than from her appearance at his 
 last visit he had dared to anticipate. She had awakened 
 from her slumber while he was in the room, and had 
 evidently derived much benefit and refreshment from it : 
 the fever, which had heretofore raged in her veins, had 
 undergone a material reduction. Still he recommended 
 that the greatest caution should be observed, to prevent 
 anything from reaching her which might at all tend to 
 produce a return of the agitation which had before so 
 sensibly affected her, and even advised that the circum- 
 stance of my having arrived should, for the present at 
 least, be kept from her knowledge. To this arrangement, 
 however, I positively refused my consent ; and finding that 
 my perseverance (obstinacy, he called it) was not to be 
 overcome, he at last yielded, though with a very bad grace, 
 and a stipulation that, if it must be so, the communication 
 should at all events be made by himself, while the inter- 
 view should terminate the moment he should pronounce 
 it necessary. 
 
 To this proposal I unhesitatingly assented, and saw him 
 depart to execute his self-imposed commission, with a much 
 greater degree of satisfaction than a few short minutes 
 since I had thought it possible for me to experience. 
 
 To do the worthy dispenser of chemicals and galenicals 
 justice, he acquitted himself of his task with much ability, 
 and was pleased to find, when he had imparted his news 
 in a manner as little abrupt as might be, that his patient 
 seemed to derive much satisfaction from the intelligence, 
 and even intimated a desire that I should be at once con* 
 ducted to her presence. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 137 
 
 For the first time in our lives my mother received me 
 with a cold look and an averted eye. I sensibly felt her 
 displeasure, but refrained from noticing it, lest the con- 
 versation, which my so doing would inevitably lead to, 
 should transgress the bounds prescribed by the doctor. 
 
 Our interview, thus restricted, was brief and unsatis- 
 factory to both parties ; but before I quitted the room, as 
 I affectionately kissed her cheek a salute which she 
 received, but condescended not to return I could not 
 forbear whispering that I had no doubt of being able to 
 convince her that my conduct had been shamefully mis- 
 represented, whenever she should be sufficiently recovered 
 to listen to my vindication. Tears filled her eyes as she 
 shook her head doubtingly, but I was delighted to find 
 that she could not refrain from giving the hand that 
 had taken her's a half-reluctant pressure, when Drench, 
 who was narrowly watching us, suspecting that we were 
 infringing upon the terms on which he had allowed my 
 introduction to the sick-room, broke in abruptly, and put 
 an end to the conference by hurrying me along with him 
 downstairs. 
 
 Impatient and anxious as I naturally was to ascertain 
 the specific nature of the faults laid to my charge, I was 
 compelled for the present to repress my curiosity, as 
 Mrs. Stafford had not communicated the contents of the 
 letter she had received to any one, although, from the lan- 
 guage which had unwittingly escaped her, no one enter- 
 tained the slightest doubt that it contained some story of 
 my delinquency or disgrace. She had never parted with 
 it, but, as I learned on inquiry from Miss Kitty, it still 
 rested beneath her pillow, from which situation she had 
 directed that it should not be removed. 
 
 On the following morning I rose early, and heard with 
 delight that she had passed a much more tranquil night 
 than she had hitherto done since her seizure ; but my 
 request to be admitted to see her was met by a decided 
 negative from herself, until I should have perused a letter 
 which she had commissioned Miss Pyefinch to deliver to 
 me. The appearance of the packet, which was enclosed 
 in a sealed envelope, and uddrejvjccl to mo in her own 
 
138 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 handwriting, satisfied me that it contained the mis- 
 chievous epistle which had occasioned her illness. I was 
 not mistaken ; the letter was, moreover, as I had rightly 
 anticipated, from Lord Mannihgham, and ran as follows : 
 
 " MY DEAR SISTER, It is with no common feelings 
 that I address you, upon a subject as painful to me as I 
 know it will be distressing to yourself ; nor is it without 
 the greatest reluctance that I find myself compelled to 
 inflict upon a parent's heart so severe a wound as that 
 which cannot but be caused by the story of the disgraceful 
 conduct of a son. When I add that my own hopes are 
 blighted, and the long-cherished project nearest my heart 
 is, by the same conduct, frustrated and destroyed, I need 
 scarcely say that my grief and disappointment are hardly 
 inferior to your own. 
 
 " From that fatal moment when my Amelia became 
 the sole object left to which I could direct my parental 
 affection, it was my most fervent wish that the son of my 
 lamented Charles might be the pereon to secure her that 
 happiness which I would not allow myself to doubt he 
 would be found worthy to share ; and I had pictured to 
 myself the pleasing prospect of witnessing their felicity, 
 and growing old amidst the children of two beings the 
 nearest and dearest to me in the world judge then of 
 my disappointment when I find myself compelled to 
 renounce this first object of my hopes and prayers, while 
 the painful conviction is forced upon me, that to secure 
 the happiness of my child I must seek in some other family 
 for that worth, integrity, and honour which I had fondly 
 flattered myself I should have discovered in my own. 
 
 " On my arrival in this country, I addressed, as you 
 cannot but remember, a letter to yourself, in which I can- 
 didly stated my wishes, and was highly gratified to find 
 that yours so entirely coincided with them. If, on the 
 subsequent visit of my nephew, I was not so much struck 
 with the graces of his figure as, from your truly maternal 
 description, I had expected to be, mere personal advan- 
 tages, though I would not be thought to undervalue 
 them, weigh so little with me, that, had his mental 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 139 
 
 qualifications but stood the test, I could gladly have com- 
 pounded for a much smaller share of external grace than 
 a mother's partiality would naturally invest him with. 
 But this, I lament to say, has not been the case. 
 
 " At their first interview in Grosvenor-square, I per- 
 ceived that my daughter and my nephew were by no 
 means such absolute strangers to each other as I had 
 imagined ; though I am fully persuaded that Amelia, at 
 least, was not aware of their affinity when chance threw 
 them into each other's company at one of the theatres. 
 
 " It was not without considerable surprise as well as 
 displeasure, I now learned that during the time which on 
 my first arrival I had inevitably dedicated to the discharge 
 of official duties, my daughter, weary of a. solitude to which 
 she was unaccustomed, and dotingly fond of music, had 
 prevailed upon Wilkinson, whose affection, I verily believe, 
 could deny her nothing, to take advantage of my unavoid- 
 able absence at the Colonial Office, and to accompany her 
 to hear an oratorio incog. This mad-brained plan a sister 
 of the latter, who resides somewhere about St. James's, 
 enabled her to execute, without even my servants sus- 
 pecting that they had anything in view beyond a visit to 
 Mrs. Morgan. 
 
 " On this occasion, it seems, Amelia first encountered 
 her cousin, who then received, as he asserted, so strong 
 an impression as to be absolutely overwhelmed with joy, 
 when, on calling to present your introductory letter, he 
 discovered his unknown charmer in his cousin. Of the 
 truth of this his statement, however, I could not help 
 having my doubts, and was indeed soon convinced that, 
 prior to his presenting himself at my house, he was per- 
 fectly aware of her identity with the lady whom he had 
 so casually encountered. 
 
 " This little piece of disingenuousness certainly did not 
 tend to raise him in my estimation ; still, though far from 
 pleased with any part of the transaction, I saw nothing 
 absolutely wrong in the thoughtless frolic, and was more 
 disposed to blame Wilkinson than anybody else, as she 
 ought to have known better than to indulge Amelia in 
 such a freak. 
 
HO MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 " The second day after his arrival I had resolved to 
 dedicate to the study of my young relative's character, 
 and, aware that the real disposition is usually most apt 
 to exhibit itself in society, invited a few friends, whose 
 refined manners and enlightened conversation were cal- 
 culated to draw forth any hidden resources of intellect, 
 natural or acquired, which diffidence in the probationer, 
 or lack of opportunity from the absence of mental colli- 
 sion, might suffer to remain concealed. Heartily did I 
 repent the experiment, and deeply indeed did I blush for 
 my protege, on hearing him noisily and rudely interrupt 
 every subject broached by boisterous and vulgar jokes, 
 which increased in frequency and coarseness as the 
 inebriety into which he was fast plunging became more 
 conspicuous. My interference, when I was at last com- 
 pelled to employ it, he seemed much inclined to set at 
 defiance ; and it was with difficulty that I could prevent 
 his exhibiting himself in so disgraceful a condition to my 
 daughter. 
 
 " I will not enlarge upon the mortification I experi- 
 enced at having it witnessed by my friends. 
 
 " The following morning or rather noon, for till that 
 hour did the effects of the orgies of the preceding evening 
 confine him to his chamber. I requested his attendance 
 in my study, and remonstrating with him on his behaviour, 
 forcibly perhaps, but, I trust, without harshness, I stated 
 at the same time most unequivocally my resolution never 
 to bestow my daughter on a drunkard. He apologized 
 with a very bad grace, and with much more, as I thought, 
 of sullenness than penitence, when I left him alone with 
 Amelia, while I acquitted myself of an indispensable 
 engagement. 
 
 " I will not, my dearest sister, unnecessarily aggravate 
 your distress by dwelling on the faults and follies which 
 every succeeding hour developed during the whole of his 
 short visit ; it will be sufficient to inform you, that 
 rightly conjecturing, as I imagine, from the disapproba- 
 tion which I now strongly and repeatedly expressed of 
 his conduct, that my intentions in his favour had under- 
 gone a material alteration, he endeavoured to ascertain 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 141 
 
 whether Amelia might not prove more accessible, and 
 not only strove to prevail on her to consent to an 
 elopement, but on her indignant refusal, actually formed 
 a plan, as silly in conception as atrocious in design, for 
 carrying her off to Scotland, with or without her in- 
 clination " 
 
 I had read thus far in my uncle's long epistle, with much 
 such sensations as a man experiences when, half-awakened 
 from a confused and heterogeneous dream, he feels his 
 faculties bewildered with the strange images yet before 
 his eyes, and is scarcely conscious even of his own iden- 
 tity : but if thus far the letter were calculated to amaze 
 and confound, the remainder was even still more inex- 
 plicable. Lord Manningham proceeded thus : 
 
 u In pursuance of this ridiculous scheme, he induced her 
 to accompany him for a short drive in a curricle which I 
 had placed at his disposal, attended only by a single groom 
 newly taken into my service ; this man he had, for 
 pecuniary considerations no doubt, contrived to attach to 
 his interests. 
 
 " They took the North road, but it was not till some 
 time after they had surmounted High gate Hill that my 
 daughter entertained any suspicion of his intention. His 
 declining to comply with her request that he would return, 
 and the sudden absence of the servant, who, on some 
 trivial pretence, had ridden forward, now first insinuated 
 into her mind an apprehension of treachery. By no means 
 intimidated, however, and finding all resistance for the 
 present useless, she remained perfectly passive, and quietly 
 listened to the strange farrago of nonsense with which her 
 companion now thought proper to entertain her. His 
 vows and protestations, &c., were couched in the highest 
 style of the mock heroic ; he attributed his conduct to the 
 overwhelming force of his affection, and his despair of 
 securing my consent to their immediate union, adding 
 that the violence of his passion would brook no long delay, 
 and expressing his confidence that, their marriage once 
 completed, my forgiveness of this rash step would be the 
 almost immediate consequence. With these and similar 
 rhapsodies, alternately threatening and entreating, he con- 
 
142 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 veyed her as far as St. Alban's, where at the inn-door she 
 perceived James, the servant who had preceded them, in 
 conversation with a couple of post-boys, who stood ready 
 to mount their horses, four of which were harnessed to a 
 hack chaise. 
 
 " Mr. Stafford assisted my Amelia to alight, and was 
 preparing to accompany her into the house, when his 
 intention was apparently altered by some communication 
 which his worthy coadjutor whispered in his ear; he 
 paused and led the way directly to the chaise, the door of 
 which he in an authoritative tone commanded the driver 
 to open. 
 
 " But secret as James's hint was intended to be, a 
 sound most grateful to her ear had caught the attention 
 of Amelia, and the words " Major Fortescue in the house," 
 distinctly heard, in spite of the lowered voice in which 
 they were pronounced, decided her mode of proceeding. 
 
 " Suddenly disengaging her arm from that of her 
 would-be bridegroom, she darted into the passage, calling 
 aloud on the name of him who would, as she well knew, 
 prove both an efficient and respectable protector. Her 
 appeal was not unheard ; a door opened, and the dear 
 friend who, but for an event too mournful for me to do 
 more than allude to, would have been connected with us 
 by the closest ties, sprang forward to save the sister of her 
 who, even in her grave, still maintains an undivided 
 empire over him. 
 
 " It is needless to say, that the protection Amelia 
 claimed from one of her oldest favourites was unhesi- 
 tatingly granted, and that Fortescue hastened out to con- 
 front the author of this ridiculous abduction ; but the 
 latter had no doubt witnessed the recognition, and, find- 
 ing that the game was up, had disappeared with his 
 rascally abettor in the chaise which they had destined for 
 a different purpose. When my friend reached the street, 
 the vehicle was nearly out of sight on the road back to 
 London. 
 
 " Amelia's nerves are fortunately pretty strong ; though 
 astonished at the folly, and vexed at the persevering 
 effrontery of her cousin in this precious scheme, she had 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 143 
 
 never for one instant entertained any alarm, nor doubted 
 its ultimate failure ; any little hurry of spirits, therefore, 
 she might experience, ought perhaps to be attributed as 
 much to her unexpected meeting with Eustace as to the 
 strange occurrence which produced their rencontre. Such, 
 at least, she assures me, is the case, and adds, that her 
 forced march had by no means spoiled her appetite, so 
 that, after partaking of a pretty substantial luncheon 
 while my horses were taking their bait, she accompanied 
 Fortescue back in the abandoned curricle. Fortunately 
 I had been detained unusually late at a diplomatic 
 meeting, and the anxiety I underwent on my return 
 home, at discovering Amelia's absence, was of no long 
 duration. 
 
 " Neither of the actors in this blessed stratagem have 
 as yet thought proper to make their appearance here, nor 
 do I think it likely that they will, as James's clothes, &c., 
 have, I find, been, for some days past, removed from the 
 house, a fact which convinces me that the plan was not 
 adopted hastily, or without reflection. Indeed, from part 
 of a conversation I had overheard between them as I 
 entered Mr. Stafford's room on the morning after his de- 
 bauch, I feel satisfied that your son had, at a very early 
 period, meditated the securing himself an interest among 
 my domestics ; the door, on that occasion, was ajar, and as I 
 approached I had distinctly heard him offering money to 
 the servant in attendance on him, whom I now recollect 
 to have been this very James, though what his object was 
 I could not then distinguish. The impression upon my 
 mind at the time was, that he was endeavouring to pur- 
 chase silence as to the extent of his intoxication ; I now 
 think differently, and am persuaded that he was even then 
 tampering with his fidelity, in the hope of securing so 
 trustworthy an aide-de-camp. 
 
 " This, my dearest sister, is the unpleasant intelli- 
 gence I have been compelled to communicate ; and I 
 trust that in relinquishing, as I now reluctantly do, all 
 hope of a nearer connection being formed between us, you 
 will do me the justice to believe, that necessity alone 
 dictates my resolution, and prevents my risking the tern- 
 
144 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS* 
 
 poral, perhaps the eternal, interests of roy only child, 
 upon the precarious tenure of the affection of a young 
 man, who, if, as I would hope may be the case, his heart 
 be not utterly depraved, is yet so loose and unsettled in 
 his principles, as to render futile all hopes of his alliance 
 being conducive to the happiness of either party. 
 
 " As the son of my dear Charles, and the future I 
 much fear unworthy representative of the family, should 
 he hereafter become convinced of his errors, and, as added 
 years bring added wisdom, endeavour to retrace his foot- 
 steps in the deplorable path which he seems to be now 
 treading, my countenance, influence, and purse, shall not 
 be wanting to forward his views, and to secure him a 
 reception in society befitting his birth, and the rank he 
 may be destined to fill, as a son-in-law I never can 
 receive him. I will not add to the length of a letter, 
 already so prolix, by any farther expressions of regret for 
 the line of conduct I am compelled to adopt, nor outrage 
 your maternal feelings by attempting to offer a consolation, 
 which time, and the amended manners of your son, can 
 alone bestow. Your heart, I doubt not, will be wrung by 
 this narrative ; believe me, mine is scarcely less so. Judge 
 of my feelings by your own. 
 
 " I inclose a ring which Mr. Stafford forced upon my 
 daughter's finger during his courtship if such it may be 
 called and which, as he informed her, contains a lock of 
 his own hair. 
 
 " Adieu, my dear sister ! deeply as I must lament this 
 unfortunate termination to our mutual hopes, believe that 
 I shall always entertain towards yourself the strongest 
 sentiments of sympathy and regard, and continue to be 
 ever your affectionate brother, 
 
 " MANNINGHAM." 
 
 Some time elapsed after the perusal of this extra- 
 ordinary letter, ere I could arrange my ideas sufficiently 
 to form anything like an opinion upon its content^. I 
 almost doubted if I were awake, the whole affair seemed 
 so like an unpleasant dream. Had I indeed been guilty 
 of the absurd and ridiculous conduct imputed to me I 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 145 
 
 Reason and reflection told me the contrary. Was the 
 whole story, then, an invention of Lord Manninghara ? 
 His rank, his character, his well-known probity and 
 honour, forbade the supposition. Had he been imposed 
 upon by some rascally swindler, assuming my name to 
 defraud him of his daughter and her rich inheritance 1 
 It was difficult to believe that human audacity could soar 
 to such a pitch, and yet this seemed the only rational 
 solution to the mysteries which beset me on all sides. 
 The recollection of my mother's letter too, of that letter 
 so unaccountably lost and never recovered, seemed to give a 
 colour to this mode of accounting for the occurrences said 
 to have taken place ; and a thousand times did I curse 
 my own carelessness which alone could have put it in the 
 power of any individual, however crafty, to carry on so 
 impudent an imposition. 
 
 The more I revolved the matter in my mind, after 
 reading Lord Manningham's letter carefully over again, 
 the more convinced I became that this must be indeed 
 the fact, and my thoughts naturally began to turn on the 
 perpetrator. Who could he be ? Some one well versed 
 in our family history, beyond all question, or he would at 
 once have stood detected ; then, too, the circumstance of 
 
 his having been at the Oratorio Nicholas ! it was 
 
 it could be no other than that infernal Nicholas who had 
 played me this abominable prank. 
 
 His well-known propensity to mischief, the compa- 
 rative ease with which he might have succeeded in purloin- 
 ing my credentials, the confidence I had reposed in him as 
 to my object in returning to London, all combined to 
 fix him as the author of this, another of his " jolly good 
 hoaxes." 
 
 But then again there were difficulties, and those, too 
 apparently insurmountable, in the way of considering him 
 as my pseudo-representative ; one, of no very ordinary 
 magnitude, had that very morning made its appearance in 
 the shape of a letter from Sir Oliver Bullwinkle. In it 
 the baronet informed us, that on his arrival at Oxford ho 
 found his son slowly recovering from a severe fit of illness, 
 which precluded the possibility of his having been in 
 
146 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 London on the evening he had suspected, and declared 
 that he would never trust to the evidence of his own eyes 
 again. He mentioned his intention of delaying his return 
 for a few days on Nicholas's account, as he meant to 
 bring him down with him to the Hall, as soon as he 
 should be able to bear the journey ; he said, too, that he 
 should call on Lord Manningham in his way. 
 
 This letter, which was almost as long, though not so 
 pithy, as the viscount's, had manifestly cost Sir Oliver no 
 trifling pains in the manufacturing ; it was addressed to 
 my mother, and contained the whole of his eventful his- 
 tory from the period of his quitting Underdown ; but as 
 Drench strongly insisted on the necessity of keeping his 
 patient perfectly undisturbed, I had taken a liberty which 
 I knew she would pardon, and had broken open the 
 well-known " fetter -locks" which identified her corre- 
 spondent. 
 
 My first impression was to write to my noble uncle 
 immediately ; but, on more mature reflection, as Sir Oliver 
 and Nicholas were so soon to be at Underdown, I deter- 
 mined to delay my communication until I should be able 
 to ascertain whether my hopeful cousin was or was not 
 the happy contriver of this precious piece of knavery. 
 Nor did I believe that it would be a very hard task to 
 put the matter beyond dispute, when once the object of 
 my suspicions should favour me with an interview. 
 
 While I was yet balancing the pros and cons of the 
 measure, another billet was put into my hands by Jen- 
 nings, signed " Edward Maberly, Captain regi- 
 ment ;" it requested an interview, that the writer might 
 acquit himself of a commission of some delicacy, with 
 which he was charged by a brother officer. 
 
 Wondering what on earth Captain Maberly, whose 
 name I merely knew as that of a young officer in a corps 
 quartered in the neighbourhood, could possibly have in 
 common with myself, the thought suddenly occurred to 
 me that his business might relate to my eccentric fellow- 
 traveller, about whom I had felt so strong an interest, till 
 he and his concerns were totally driven out of my head by 
 the succession of unpleasant surprises which I had since 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 147 
 
 experienced. Of course I gave directions that the 
 " gallant officer," as the phrase goes, should be admitted 
 immediately. 
 
 The captain, a gentlemanly, soldier-like man, whose 
 air and manner evinced that lie moved in the best society, 
 while a scarcely perceptible touch of "the brogue" be- 
 trayed that he had drawn his first breath in the sister 
 island, was ushered into the room, and received my 
 compliment with the unembarrassed ease of a man of the 
 world. Jennings, who, as I fancied, surveyed the stranger 
 with looks that betokened more of curiosity than he was 
 in the habit of displaying, placed chairs and withdrew, 
 when my unexpected visitor proceeded to open his 
 commission. 
 
 This was, he informed me, to place in my hand a letter 
 
 from his friend Major Fortescue, of the Dragoons, 
 
 who felt himself compelled to call upon me for an ex- 
 planation of my conduct towards a young lady of rank, 
 with whose family he was intimately connected, and 
 announced himself as deputed by his aforesaid friend the 
 major to arrange with any friend of mine the time and 
 place of meeting. 
 
 Having delivered himself to this effect, the captain 
 quietly proffered me the billet alluded to, and, retiring to 
 the other side of the room, amused himself by recon- 
 noitering through his eyeglass a Dutch Fair, by Teniers, 
 that hung against the wall, leaving me at full leisure to 
 peruse the agreeable despatch of which he was the bearer. 
 
 " SIE, It is with painful reluctance that I yield to the 
 dictates of an imperious and irresistible necessity which 
 forces me to the performance of a task the most revolting 
 to my nature. An interview of the kind I am compelled 
 to demand of you is at all times a matter to be deprecated, 
 and is rendered doubly distressing when, in seeking it, I 
 feel that I am repaying benefit with injury, by aiming at 
 a life which has been risked to preserve my own. 
 
 " A miserable destiny, however, which I am unable to 
 control, will have it so, and forces me to be ungrateful 
 rather than perjured. 
 
 L 2 
 
148 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 " Be assured, sir, no merely human power could have 
 swayed me to the performance of an act which I detest ; 
 but Fate wills it, and I bow to the decree. 
 
 " My friend who honours me by conveying this to vour 
 hands is fully authorized to make every arrangement 
 requisite ; and I have only to add that the earlier the 
 hour may be that suits your convenience, the more de- 
 sirable it will be to 
 
 " EUSTACE FORTESCUE." 
 
 " C. Stafford, Esq., &c. <(-c." 
 
 " Mighty civil, upon my word ! " I half muttered to 
 myself, as I refolded the note ; then, in a louder tone, 
 " A most singular invitation, indeed ! Pray, sir, is your 
 friend mad ? " 
 
 " What, sir, can possibly induce you to doubt his 
 sanity 1 " returned my gallant friend, moving away from 
 the picture, and planting himself in front of me, while 
 his heightened complexion evinced the offence he took at 
 my interrogatory. 
 
 " Simply, sir," replied I, " because I cannot conceive 
 that any man in his senses would think of sending such a 
 letter as this which I hold in my hand to a man who knows 
 no more of him than of Harry the Eighth, nor has ever 
 so much as seen him in the course of his life. He talks 
 of benefits which I never can have conferred, and regrets 
 being obliged to seek the life of one who has never given 
 the slightest cause of offence, either to the lady you have 
 alluded to, or to himself." 
 
 " These are matters of which I am no j udge, sir," said 
 Maberly, coldly, " nor do I pretend to explain what the 
 motives may be which, as he says, compel Major For- 
 tescue to adopt the line of conduct he is pursuing. I 
 have no doubt of their sufficiency, nor do I question 
 either the soundness of his intellect or his honour." 
 
 " But, sir," returned I, heartily provoked at the turn 
 this affair seemed likely to take, " if your principal indeed 
 seeks redress for any insult offered to Miss Stafford, I am 
 not the person to whom he should apply." 
 
 " I believe I am addressing Mr. Charles Stafford !" 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 149 
 
 his reply, accompanied with a look of mingled doubt and 
 surprise. 
 
 " Undoubtedly you are, sir ; but Charles Stafford is as 
 incapable of offering insult to a lady as Major Fortescue 
 or yourself." 
 
 " With that, sir, I must repeat, I can have nothing to 
 do ; my business is simply to ascertain whether you will 
 favour my friend with the meeting he desires : I am not 
 here to discuss its propriety. I cannot help observing, 
 however, that you do not appear altogether unacquainted 
 with the lady whose cause he advocates, a lady whose 
 name certainly never passed my lips." 
 
 " That Miss Stafford has been protected by Major 
 Fortescue from a most audacious and unprincipled 
 attempt I am unquestionably aware : the only thing 
 which I mean to deny is that I have been in any way 
 concerned in it." 
 
 The features of Maberly assumed an expression of 
 incredulity, not unmixed with contempt for what he 
 plainly considered the pusillanimity of my conduct in 
 denying all participation in a transaction now that it was 
 no longer likely to pass unquestioned. There was no 
 misunderstanding the meaning which his eye conveyed ; 
 and I continued, with the indignation to which his glance 
 gave birth, " Thus far, Captain Maberly, I have spoken 
 to vindicate myself against unfounded aspersion : if you 
 attribute my so doing to any other motive than that 
 which I have avowed, you are widely mistaken. The 
 tongue, however, is not the only weapon with which I 
 am prepared to defend my reputation when attacked ; 
 and you may inform your principal that, if he considers 
 this declaration of mine insufficient, I have not the 
 slightest reluctance to grant him the meeting he requires, 
 whenever and wherever he pleases." 
 
 " When a difference of this kind exists," returned my 
 companion, " the sooner it is adjusted the better for all 
 parties. To-morrow morning, therefore, if you have no ob- 
 jection, my friend will expect the favour of your company, 
 at seven, near the ruined chapel in the next parish. The 
 situation is a retired one, and little liable to interruption." 
 
150 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 " Eely on my punctuality, Captain Maberly." 
 
 " Mr. Charles Stafford, your most obadient /" lie replied, 
 resuming his hat and putting on his gloves with the air 
 of a man taking leave after a visit of ceremony ; then, 
 with a slight bend, which seemed to intimate that my 
 acceptance of his proposal had somewhat redeemed me in 
 his opinion, he moved towards the door. I rang the bell 
 and attended him to the hall, where we separated lie to 
 acquaint his principal with the result of his embassy I to 
 make such arrangements as the time would admit of for 
 meeting my unknown antagonist in the field, and to 
 execute some other measures which the uncertainty of 
 the coming event rendered it advisable for me to set 
 about forthwith. 
 
 To procure the assistance of a friend who might accom- 
 pany me to the scene of action, and officiate as my second, 
 was become indispensable. This, therefore, was my first 
 care. I could have wished that Allanby, on whose 
 honour and friendship I placed the greatest reliance, 
 might have been the person ; but this was out of the 
 question ; the distance was too great to admit of my 
 applying to him : he was still, as I believed, in London ; 
 and the shortness of the time which must elapse before 
 the decision of the quarrel, precluded the possibility of a 
 communication being made to him with any chance of 
 succeSvS. I therefore turned my thoughts towards the 
 neighbouring garrison, with many of the officers belong- 
 ing to which I was on sufficient terms of intimacy to 
 warrant a request that they would do me the favour to 
 see me shot properly. The very first man to whom I 
 applied, a young lieutenant who had been in the habit 
 of accompanying me on shooting-parties of a different 
 description in the course of the preceding winter, wil- 
 lingly undertook the task ; and this, the first object of my 
 solicitude, being provided for, I had leisure to turn my 
 attention to matters of scarcely less importance. 
 
 To write to my mother, the last communication she 
 might ever receive from a son whom, even when she 
 believed him to be stigmatized and branded with justly- 
 deserved opprobrium and dishonour, she yet found it 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 151 
 
 impossible to banish from her affections ! The task was 
 indeed a severe one : a thousand conflicting emotions 
 warred in my bosom, and rendered me scarcely capable 
 of carrying it into execution ; my letter was, however, at 
 length finished, and contained, of course, an absolute dis- 
 avowal, on my part, of the whole of the conduct imputed 
 to me by Lord Manningham ; the full persuasion I felt 
 that my name had been assumed by some impostor for the 
 most infamous of purposes ; together with a detail of such 
 facts as, in the event of my not surviving the approach- 
 ing contest, might tend to elucidate the mystery, and 
 rescue my memory from the discredit which might other- 
 wise attach to it, should I fall a victim to the artifices of 
 a scoundrel, and to what an internal voice began to 
 whisper was a mistaken sense of honour. 
 
 That my letter contained also assurances of the warmest 
 love and affection, I need hardly say : the remembrance 
 of all my mother's fondness, her more than maternal 
 kindness from my earliest infancy ; the reflection that the 
 step I was about to take might deprive her, at once and 
 for ever, of the only solace of her declining years the 
 only hope of her widowed heart ; that my falling in the 
 encounter would too surely shake out, with an unhallowed 
 hand, the few remaining sands that yet lingered in Time's 
 failing hour-glass, and " bring down her grey hairs with 
 sorrow to the grave," all conspired to unman me, and 
 shook for a moment the resolution I had formed of 
 meeting my incomprehensible antagonist. 
 
 Not that I was altogether free from some rather 
 unpleasant sensations of a nature purely selfish, when I 
 considered the situation in which a lew short hours might 
 place me, and the more than questionable proposition how 
 far I might be justified, in thus exposing my own life and 
 aiming at that of another, before that Almighty Being, 
 whose denunciations against the crime of murder I could 
 not shut out from my memory. 
 
 In vain did I encourage myself by the argument that, 
 as the usages of civilized society extend the principle of 
 self-defence from our persons to our reputation, I was as 
 much authorized to protect that which was dearer to me 
 
152 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 than life as to defend my life itself; a voice, stronger 
 than that of the world, told me that I WAS WRONG ! The 
 awakening tones of conscience, which I would fain have 
 silenced had it been in my power, warned me of the fallacy 
 of my reasoning, and thundered in my ear, " Thou shalt 
 not kill ! " Pride, that sin by which fell the angels, arid 
 a false shame, the dread of what the world would say, 
 still drove me on to disregard its faithful admonitions, 
 and crushed the nascent intention of even yet avoiding 
 to dip my hand in blood, while it presented to my view 
 myself a mark for scorn " to point its slow and moving 
 finger at," a wretched object loaded with the contempt 
 and derision of all who knew me. No ! it was too late ! 
 The die was thrown, and I must stand the hazard of the cast. 
 With burning temples, and an aching heart, I retired 
 to my room, not daring to trust myself again in my 
 mother's presence, and, throwing myself on the bed, endea- 
 voured to lose in the forgetfulness of slumber the few 
 hours which must necessarily revolve before that at which 
 Armitage had appointed to be with me. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 Ah me ! what perils do environ 
 
 The man that meddles with cold iron ! 
 
 HUDIBRAS. 
 
 HOW SLEEP THE BRAVE ? AN APPOINTMENT. AN AFFAIR OF SENTI- 
 MENT. AN AFFAIR OF HONOUR. A STANDING UP. A TUMBLING 
 DOWN. 
 
 SLEEP, which I had hitherto rarely courted in vain, 
 refused to visit my eyelids with her tranquillizing in- 
 fluence, and the grey tints of twilight, fast flying before a 
 sun that rose in unclouded majesty, saw me pressing my 
 disordered pillow in feverish restlessness. I rose and 
 unclosed the window ; the fragrance of morning of 
 the last morning on which I might ever inhale it iv 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 153 
 
 me : I resolved to seek, in the open air, and in activity, 
 that refuge from my own thoughts denied me in the more 
 confined atmosphere and retirement of my chamber. 
 
 Hastily arranging my dress, I placed on the toilet the 
 letter which I had addressed to my mother, and forcibly 
 smothering a pang that seized me as the action recalled 
 her image to my mind, descended slowly and cautiously a 
 back staircase which communicated with the offices, and, 
 through them, with the park. My purpose was effected 
 without disturbing any of the inmates of the mansion, who, 
 buried in sleep, dreamed not of the unholy errand on which 
 I stole, like a thief, from the habitation of my fathers. 
 
 As I turned an angle of the building, the windows of 
 my mother's apartment caught my eye. The brilliancy of 
 the morning sunbeams, which fell full upon them, rendered 
 scarcely observable the faint Bickerings of the watch-light 
 within, the gleamings of which, now weak, now bursting 
 into momentary brightness, seemed to announce that it 
 was fast sinking in the socket, soon to expire, and be no 
 more. " And such," I whispered, " may be the brief 
 tenure of my own existence here ! Oh, my mother, if 
 indeed the irrevocable fiat has gone forth, may He who 
 ' tempers the wind to the shorn lamb,' support thee in 
 the hour of trial, and, by the blessed hope of a future 
 meeting, assuage the poignancy of thy grief for the loss 
 of one who now invokes thy blessing, as he, from his 
 inmost soul, implores a blessing upon thee ! " A shadow 
 passed across the room between the light and the cur- 
 tains, and seemed to be approaching the window. Nothing 
 doubting but that it was Martha, who remained in attend- 
 ance on her mistress, and fearing to be seen at that early 
 hour, I ended my apostrophe abruptly, and rushed into 
 the obscurity of the neighbouring shrubs. 
 
 A few moments' exertion freed me from the thicket in 
 which I had ensconced myself, and placed me in a path 
 which, winding among shady recesses in a circuitous 
 direction, finally emerged near the end of the avenue 
 that led from the Hall to the high-road. As I approached 
 its termination, the appearance of Armitage, hastily ad- 
 vancing with a small mahogany case under his arm, told 
 
154 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS, 
 
 me that it was time to repair to the place of our appoint- 
 ment. I joined him immediately, and we preceded forth- 
 with towards the scene of rendezvous. 
 
 As we walked along with quick, undeviating footsteps, 
 the good-natured lieutenant inquired more particularly 
 into the cause of quarrel, hinting at the pleasure it would 
 give him should the matter admit of such an explanation 
 as might allow the affair to be accommodated without 
 prejudice to the feelings or character of either party. 
 This I felt to be impossible, but contented myself with 
 telling the worthy fellow that he was nearly as well 
 acquainted with the real grounds of the dispute as my- 
 self; that I merely obeyed the summons of a gentleman, 
 who, as I verily believed, was visiting on my head the 
 aggression of another ; but that, as my endeavours to con- 
 vince him of his mistake had been in vain, we must even 
 abide by the decision to which he had thought it neces- 
 sary to appeal. This account increased the desire which 
 the lieutenant had from the very first entertained, of 
 terminating the business without bringing it to the issue 
 of mortal arbitreinent ; and he entreated me to permit 
 him, previously to anything else taking place, to use his 
 endeavours to procure an amicable adjustment of a differ- 
 ence, which, after all, as he observed, had evidently 
 originated in mistake. 
 
 " It will be useless, Armitage," I replied ; " neverthe- 
 less, act as you think proper. I know you too well to 
 fear that my honour will suffer in your hands ; but, from 
 the terms in which his invitation is couched, I am con- 
 vinced my gentleman will not be satisfied without burning 
 a little gunpowder." 
 
 " Is he so determined an enemy ? Pray, what sort of 
 a person is your antagonist 1 " 
 
 " Upon my word, that is rather a puzzling question, as 
 I am not quite sure that I ever set eyes upon him in my 
 life. He holds a commission in the dragoons, however, 
 and that is all I can tell you, being almost all I know of 
 him myself." 
 
 " It is altogether a very extra-ordinary affair," returned 
 Armitage. " You shall not fight, however, if I can pro- 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 155 
 
 vent it ;- but stay, here is the old chapel, and yonder, 
 if I mistake not, come our men." 
 
 He was right ; a few seconds brought us together. 
 Captain Maberly and his friend advanced from an adjoin- 
 ing field, the latter wrapped up in a large surtout, which he 
 unfolded as we drew near, and revealed the person of my 
 fellow-passenger on the mail, whom I had pulled out of 
 the river two days before. 
 
 I cannot say that I was altogether unprepared for this 
 recognition ; the possibility of it had more than once 
 occurred to my mind since Maberly's visit, and the sup- 
 position had acquired additional weight from some passages 
 in his letter, which I found it otherwise difficult to com- 
 prehend ; still I had some doubts on the subject, as I 
 could scarcely believe it possible that the most sanguinary 
 of mankind would, whatever his primary intentions might 
 have been, persist in raising his hand to deprive that man 
 of life who had so recently preserved his own, and that 
 too in a quarrel in which he could feel but little personal 
 interest but little interest 1 ? A thought flashed upon 
 my mind with the rapidity of lightning, and dissipated in 
 an instant the reluctance I had hitherto felt to commence 
 hostilities. Amelia Stafford for her he had come to 
 contend, and her he was determined to possess, though 
 the removal of so formidable an obstacle as myself, by 
 any means, might be a necessary preliminary. She was 
 the object of his perhaps mercenary attachment. She 
 whom he had rescued from a plot contrived, in all pro- 
 bability, by himself, and which my death was indispensable 
 to conceal from eventual detection ! This, indeed, pre- 
 sented a ready solution to the mystery ; as the champion 
 of her cause and the avenger of her injuries he would stand 
 on a proud eminence, and challenge her love with a power- 
 ful, perhaps irresistible, claim ; while in my destruction he 
 would not only lay the foundation of his own hopes, but 
 obtain the removal of a rival, doubly dangerous from the 
 well-known wishes of her father in my favour, and the 
 power I must inevitably possess of unmasking him to 
 I jordManningham, a single interview with whom might be 
 sufficient to level with the dust the flimsy superstructure 
 
156 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 which his arts had raised. That the whole personation 
 of myself, the elopement and pretended rescue, were but 
 parts of a systematic and villanous plot, of which my 
 destruction was to furnish the dciwuement, I no longer 
 entertained a doubt, and the indignation which this con- 
 viction gave rise to in my mind operated so strongly upon 
 r"* that it was with the utmost difficulty I could restrain 
 my impatience, while our seconds were arranging the 
 necessary preliminaries. I burned to chastise the villany 
 which I fancied I had detected, and to inflict a severe retri- 
 bution for my defeated pretensions and vilified character. 
 
 While Armitage and Maberly, who had retired a few 
 paces apart, were preparing the weapons, and conferring 
 on the business which had brought us together, Major 
 Fortescue remained at a short distance from me leaning 
 against a tree. 
 
 His face was pale almost livid ; his air abstracted ; 
 and he appeared to be labouring under the deepest 
 dejection. He had raised his hat to me when we first 
 met, and seemed as if wishing to address me ; but, enraged 
 at his ingratitude and hypocrisy, I showed no correspond- 
 ing inclination ; and he accordingly renounced his inten- 
 tion, if indeed he had ever entertained it. His eyes were 
 now fixed upon the ground, his arms 'folded across his 
 breast, which heaved high at intervals, as if from the effect 
 of some strong internal emotion. I turned from gazing 
 on him to watch the motions of our two "friends" so we 
 term the people who load the pistols that are to blow our 
 brains out ; they were now deeply engaged in conversation. 
 
 In a few moments Maberly quitted his companion, and, 
 rejoining Fortescue, made a communication to him : a 
 short but animated discussion took place between them, 
 at the close of which Maberly returned to my " friend," 
 who, after listening to him for a few moments, stepped up 
 to me, and informed me that he was the bearer of a pro- 
 posal from Major Fortescue, who, from the great reluctance 
 which he felt to proceed against one from whom he had 
 recently received so great an obligation, was prepared, he 
 said, to drop the dispute, and consent to sink the past in 
 oblivion, provided I would offer such an apology to Miss 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 157 
 
 Stafford as he should feel warranted in recommending her 
 to accept. 
 
 "Tell Major Fortescue," I exclaimed, half-choked with 
 passion, " that the most ample concessions he could offer 
 to me would now be insufficient to appease the sense of 
 injury which I feel, or to avert the vengeance I am 
 determined to exact. Let him take his ground !" 
 
 Armitage retired in silence, and proceeded to measure 
 out twelve paces, at either extremity of which my anta- 
 gonist and myself took our stations : the weapons were 
 delivered to us ; and Maberly having given the signal by 
 dropping his handkerchief, each discharged his pistol at 
 the same instant. Fortescue's aim was but too correct : 
 his ball struck me, and I fell ; the blood flowed copiously 
 from my breast, and in a few moments I became totally 
 insensible to all that was passing around me. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 There 's honour for you ! 
 
 SHAKSPEAEE. 
 
 No bones broke, but sore pepper'd ! 
 Midas. 
 
 "ENOUGH is AS GOOD AS A FEAST. A SUDDEN ILLNESS. A SLOW 
 
 RECOVERY. " GETTING ONE'S GRUEL" METAPHORICALLY LITE- 
 RALLY. THERE'S LIFE IN A MUSCLE. 
 
 ON recovering my senses, I found myself stretched upon 
 a flock-bed, in a neighbouring cottage, to which I had been 
 conveyed, and supported In the arms of Armitage, whose 
 manly countenance expressed the joy he felt at seeing 
 those eyes re-opening to the light of day which he had 
 believed to be closed for ever. 
 
 Drench, accompanied by an assistant, was standing near, 
 occupied in examining the wound, preparatory to an attempt 
 he was about to make at extracting the ball, which, having 
 entered the higher part of my right breast, had glanced 
 
158 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 against and broken the collar-bone, finally taking up its 
 quarters in the upper part of the shoulder, near the neck. 
 
 The operation was a long and painful one, and I more 
 than once relapsed into a state similar to that from which 
 I had so lately emerged before the surgeon's endeavours 
 were crowned with success. The bullet, however, was at 
 length dislodged from its asylum, and made its appearance 
 together with a fragment of my waistcoat, which had very 
 lovingly accompanied it in its progres. Drench announced 
 his prize in a tone which betokened the satisfaction he 
 felt at its extraction, adding that, notwithstanding the 
 groat effusion of blood which had taken place, he saw at 
 present no reason to apprehend any ultimate danger from 
 the wound, though it was certainly a severe one, pro- 
 vided a strict attention to regimen, and to the medicines 
 he should prescribe for the purpose of guarding against 
 the access of fever, was rigidly observed. 
 
 This opinion, most oracularly pronounced, seemed to 
 give great satisfaction to some one present, though, so 
 qualified, it amounted in effect to little more than that 
 pronounced by Fielding's model for all diplomatists, 
 
 "Indeed, I cannot positively say; 
 But, as near as I can guess I cannot tell." 
 
 " Powers of Heaven ! accept my thanks ! " exclaimed a 
 voice from an obscure corner of the apartment, in the 
 tones of which I had no difficulty in recognizing those of 
 Eortescue. 
 
 A tattered curtain, of the coarsest materials, which 
 hung at the side of my humble couch, had hitherto con- 
 cealed him from my view. I made an effort to draw it 
 aside, but the pain occasioned by the motion compelled 
 me to desist. The friendly lieutenant, whose attentions 
 had throughout been unintermitting, saw my purpose, and 
 accomplished it for me. My eye rested upon my late anta- 
 gonist, who, perceiving that I was aware of his presence, 
 advanced slowly, and placed himself at the foot of the bed. 
 
 As I marked the agony depictured on his countenance, 
 a doubt as to the truth of my late suspicions sprang up in 
 my mind, and I could not help confessing to myself that 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 159 
 
 his agitation bore every sign of being the genuine emana- 
 tion of his heart. If it were assumed, and merely the 
 fictitious display of a concern foreign to his feelings, he 
 must be indeed the prince of hypocrites ; yet, supposing 
 it real, how could I reconcile its existence with the line 
 of conduct he had pursued ? 
 
 While I hesitated, his eye sank under the steadfast 
 gaze of mine, and, uttering a deep sigh, he walked round 
 the bed until he reached my pillow, when, bending over 
 me, he took my hand. 
 
 "Stafford !" he exclaimed, in a voice of almost awful 
 solemnity, " how deeply I lament the issue of this affair, 
 no one but the unseen Being whose behests I have obeyed 
 can truly witness. Could you but see my heart, however, 
 you would confess that your situation is Paradise com- 
 pared with mine, and you would look on me with pity 
 rather than resentment. Heaven alone knows how fer- 
 vently I have prayed to be spared this deed, and, even at 
 the risk of my soul's happiness, could I have avoided it 
 could you have been prevailed upon to make the only 
 atonement in your power " 
 
 I cannot describe the disgust I felt at what I again 
 began to consider the cool impudence of this declaration. 
 " Cease, Major Fortescue," I replied, " your hypocritical 
 condolernents on an evil of your own creating, nor add 
 insult to injury. You have played your part hitherto 
 triumphantly ; but be not too secure : the time will come, 
 I doubt not, when I shall be able to unmask your motives, 
 as well as those of the villain who has assumed my name 
 to perpetrate an act which you still persist in charging 
 upon me. A single interview with Lord Manningham 
 will suffice to overthrow your machinations, and to con- 
 vince him, by the evidence of his own eyes, of the imposi- 
 tion which has been practised upon him. Leave me, sir ; 
 I neither need your affected sympathy, nor desire your 
 presence." 
 
 The earnestness of my manner appeared to make an 
 impression upon him : once again he raised his penetrating 
 eye to mine, as he repeated, in an uncler-tone, the word 
 " imposition," and seemed as if he would read mv very 
 
160 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 soul. " Imposition !" lie continued, with an incredulous 
 but melancholy movement of the head " oh that it were 
 possible ! but it cannot be : Lord Manningham and his 
 lovely daughter could neither be themselves deceived, nor 
 would they practise such a deception upon me." 
 
 " Of the latter fact I am very well satisfied," retorted I ; 
 " but that they have themselves been grossly, infamously 
 deceived, I re-assert. That you, sir, have laboured under 
 a similar delusion, I by no means take upon me to main- 
 tain ; and, but that I believe the information to be, as far 
 as you are concerned, unnecessary, I would repeat, that 
 with Lord Manningham I have never yet exchanged a 
 single syllable.' 
 
 " Gracious Heaven ! what would you insinuate ? Is it 
 can it be possible that there may have been an error ! 
 If so, what then am 1 1 But no ! it is not possible : 
 Lord Manningham himself assured me " 
 
 " That a scoundrel," interrupted I, staggered in my 
 opinion by his manner, " had introduced himself into his 
 house, and had endeavoured to carry off his daughter ; but 
 Lord Manningham could not know that his nephew's 
 carelessness, in suffering a letter to be purloined from 
 him, afforded an easy opportunity to the thief, or his con- 
 federates, of palming on him a fictitious relation, and of 
 nearly making his Amelia the prey of a swindler." 
 
 Never shall I forget the expression of Fortescue's 
 countenance as I finished ; surprise, distrust, and horror, 
 appeared to be contending within him for the mastery. 
 " What am I to believe?" cried he at length, but in a 
 voice faltering and scarcely articulate, then changing at 
 once to deep sepulchral hoarseness, while his figure seemed 
 to dilate to more than its usual magnitude ; " Mr. Staf- 
 ford," he continued, " answer me, I conjure you, as a 
 gentleman and a man of honour ; and, as you hope for 
 happiness in this world and the next, answer truly ! Are 
 you not the man who, after meeting Miss Stafford at the 
 theatre, introduced yourself to her father as his nepliow, 
 and eventually carried off the young lady to St. Alba us I" 
 
 " I am not, so help me Heaven ! That I saw Amelia 
 at the theatre is true ; but I was at that time ignorant of 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 161 
 
 her name : I saw her once afterwards descend from a car- 
 riage at her father's door, but neither then, nor on any 
 other occasion, previous or subsequent, did I exchange one 
 syllable with her. Unless the gentleman who at that 
 time accompanied her be her father, I have never seen 
 Lord Manningham in my life ! " 
 
 The exertion I had used in uttering these words was 
 too much for me, and I sank back, exhausted, on the 
 pillow. Drench immediately interfered, blaming himself 
 for having permitted the conversation to continue so long 
 in my present condition. 
 
 " Come, come, gentlemen," cried the doctor, summoning 
 up all his dignity and determination, " I must have no 
 more of this, or my patient will give me the slip after 
 all, and you, sir," addressing himself to Fortescue, " now 
 that this more serious matter is disposed of, let us examine 
 your hurt." 
 
 It was now that I, for the first time, perceived that 
 Fortescue also was wounded. His escape had been indeed 
 a narrow one, the bullet from my pistol having grazed his 
 temple, the skin of which it had slightly raised. The 
 wound was, of course, trifling in the extreme ; but of that, 
 and indeed of everything else around him, he appeared to 
 be now altogether unconscious. The proffered assistance 
 of the surgeon he neither accepted nor repulsed, but 
 remained for some moments as in a state of stupefaction, 
 his eyes fixed upon my face with a vacant stare, frightful 
 to behold and almost impossible to describe, a filmy 
 glassiness obscured their orbs, and gave a ghastliness to 
 their appearance, to be equalled only by that of the fabled 
 Vampire. 
 
 He remained as it were rooted to the floor for a few- 
 seconds, while Drench was describing the exceeding incon- 
 venience which might have arisen " had the ball taken a 
 direction ever so little more to the left, and fractured the 
 parietal bone," then turned, and abruptly rushed from 
 the cottage. 
 
 A chaise, which a son of the peasant whose house we 
 occupied had been despatched to order from the neigh- 
 bouring town, soon after arrived ; into it I was, with 
 
1G2 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 some little difficulty, lifted, and, accompanied by Drench 
 and Armitage, who refused to quit me while his atten- 
 tions could be at all serviceable, I was conveyed at an easy 
 pace to the Hall. 
 
 As we slowly rolled along, my thoughts once more 
 reverted from the strange scene which had just passed, to 
 the situation of my mother. I recollected with much 
 uneasiness the letter which I had left for her in my 
 chamber, and trembled with apprehension lest it should 
 have been discovered and delivered according to its 
 address. If so, what severe, and, as I now trusted, unne- 
 cessary pangs might I not have caused her ! nay, who 
 could tell how far she might have been affected ? I might 
 be her murderer ! In spite of the prohibitions of the 
 doctor, who enjoined me silence, I could not forbear 
 giving vent to my feelings, and expressed my alarm with 
 an earnest request that the driver might be directed to 
 accelerate his pace, in the hope of preventing so fatal a 
 catastrophe. This, however, Drench positively refused to 
 accede to, endeavouring to dissipate the uneasiness I could 
 not help feeling by reminding me that it was yet scarcely 
 eight o'clock, and of the utter improbability that any com- 
 munication would have been made to the invalid at so 
 early an hour, even admitting what was very unlikely 
 that the letter had as yet been found by the servants. 
 
 Happily his prognostics were verified by the event. 
 My very absence had not been noticed, nor had any one 
 entered my room since I quitted it. The chaise was 
 directed round to a back entrance, and I was carried to 
 my chamber, in a different part of the building from that 
 occupied by Mrs. Stafford, without the slightest bustle or 
 disturbance. 
 
 Poor old Jennings, with sorrow legibly depicted in his 
 venerable countenance, as the ready tear stood in his eye, 
 undertook to officiate in the capacity of head nurse ; 
 while Drench assumed the delicate and difficult task of 
 breaking to my mother, as gently as he could, the event 
 which it was impossible to keep altogether from her know- 
 and also of recounting to her the whole history of 
 my proceedings in London, together with the rascally 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 163 
 
 trick played me there, of all which I now felt obliged to 
 make the worthy son of Hippocrates my wondering con- 
 fidant. As to my suspicions concerning the principal 
 actor in the farce which had like to have had so tragical 
 a denouement, those I kept closely concealed, for the 
 present, in my own bosom. 
 
 Of this arduous commission the little doctor acquitted 
 himself with a degree of skill and caution which deserved 
 the highest praise. My mother was indeed sensibly 
 affected at the intelligence of my mishap ; but when he 
 coupled with it the satisfactory information, that provided 
 common care was observed, nothing more serious than a 
 temporary confinement was now to be apprehended, the 
 assurance of that fact, and his story so completely exone- 
 rating me from the charges brought against me, tended 
 most happily to compose rather than to excite her mind ; 
 and, however mixed her sensations might be, those of a 
 pleasurable nature evidently gained the preponderance. 
 Indeed, the anxious desire she now felt to see and console 
 me so stimulated her to exertion, and to the shaking off 
 the torpor which had benumbed her faculties, that I have 
 no hesitation in declaring that the circumstance contri- 
 buted, on the whole, not a little to the re-establishment 
 of her health. 
 
 At first her visits, under the regulation of Doctor 
 Drench, were, like those of angels, " few and far between ;" 
 but, as her strength improved, and the chances of fever on 
 my side became less to be apprehended, they increased 
 both in their frequency and duration, till, at length, almost 
 all my mother's time was passed in my apartment. 
 
 Several days had elapsed since the duel, and everything, 
 in the language of the infirmary, was going on " as well as 
 could be expected." The broken bone had been set 
 without difficulty, and save that the hemorrhage had pro- 
 duced a considerable degree of weakness, which Drench's 
 water-gruel and barley-broth (sorry substitutes for the 
 roast-beef dinners I had been in the habit of discussing) 
 did not altogether tend to correct, I was neither in bad 
 ]) en I th nor in low spirits, when, one evening, as the shadows 
 were lengthening in the setting sun, the sound of a car- 
 
164 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 riage, and an increasing bustle within doors, announced 
 the arrival of some personage of no common importance. 
 
 This distingue I ventured, and not without reason, to 
 prophesy was Sir Oliver himself, returned from his expe- 
 dition ; and soon the sound of his voice, issuing from the 
 hall arid echoing up the great staircase, reflected the 
 greatest credit on my skill in divination. 
 
 Miss Pyefinch, who had accompanied my mother to 
 take her tea in the apartment of the invalid, stepped out 
 to inform herself of the cause of the unwonted bustle in 
 the lower regions. She soon came back with the infor- 
 mation that the baronet had arrived, accompanied by two 
 gentlemen and a lady ; and that, having earnestly inquired 
 after the state of my health, as well as that of Mrs. Staf- 
 ford, the whole party was now ensconced in the Cedar 
 parlour, where the presence of my mother was particu- 
 larly requested, " provided she felt herself equal to the 
 exertion." 
 
 It was a source of no little wonder to me how Sir 
 Oliver could have become acquainted with the events of 
 the preceding week, as, being at the period such a bird of 
 passage, no one had known exactly where to address a 
 letter to him with any probable chance of its coming 
 safely to hand, and consequently none of the family had 
 written to him on the subject ; I could only conclude, 
 therefore, that he had picked up the news of my rencontre 
 from some gossiping neighbour, as his post-chaise brought 
 him through the town ; but, on starting this supposition, 
 Miss Kitty electrified me by replying that, though she 
 knew not where my uncle had gained his information, 
 " there was no post-chaise in the case, as the party had 
 arrived in a handsome travelling-barouche, with several 
 out-riders in rich liveries." Eagerly did I inquire the 
 colour of the latter ; the answer was, to my infinite joy, 
 and as I had foreboded " Green and Gold." Lord 
 Manningham then was arrived, and the whole of this 
 mysterious affair would now be sifted to the bottom \ 
 
 The hour subsequent to my mother's quitting my 
 apartment, which she did immediately on receiving Sir 
 Olirer's summons, was, I verily believe, one of the longest 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 165 
 
 ever passed by mortal man. I had not even the poor 
 consolation of indulging my own conjectures in quiet, as 
 my companion, Miss Kitty, became now more than 
 usually voluble in giving vent to her own surmises and 
 remarks ; and, as she was not particularly happy in the 
 brilliancy of the one or the ingenuity of the other, I 
 should at that moment have infinitely preferred the peace- 
 ful enjoyment of my own ; this too the rather, as I had 
 already commenced a curious speculation with regard to 
 the identity of " the Lady," whom my informant men- 
 tioned as constituting one of the partie quarre'e in the 
 " handsome travelling barouche." 
 
 It is true Miss Pyefinch had been totally silent as to 
 the age and personal appearance of this traveller of the 
 softer sex, and a feeling, which I did not stop to analyze, 
 prevented my making any inquiries of her upon the sub- 
 ject ; but my heart whispered me that it could be no 
 other than Amelia, the fair, the unconscious cause of my 
 late misadventure and present confinement. 
 
 Always impatient of restraint, I now regretted it the 
 more seriously, inasmuch as it precluded the possibility of 
 my at once satisfying myself whether these fond antici- 
 pations were correct. Nay, but that the deranged state 
 of my toilet was altogether incompatible with the attempt, 
 I much doubt whether my wound alone would have been 
 a consideration sufficiently strong to have prevented my 
 making a trial at least of the ability of my legs to sup- 
 port me to the Cedar parlour. At length, to relieve my 
 fidgety impatience, which had risen to such a height as to 
 drive my fair entertainer into a monologue, the sound of 
 some one approaching was heard from the gallery that 
 led to my apartment. 
 
 I had half raised myself from the sofa on which I was 
 reclining, in eager expectation of I hardly knew whom, 
 when, as it drew nearer, the footstep sounded heavily, 
 and was evidently that of a man : in a few seconds the 
 door opened, and I fell back into my former position as I 
 beheld Fortescue ! 
 
 My surprise at the sight of this very unexpected visitor 
 at first prevented my observing the very peculiar expres- 
 
1C6 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 sion which his features had assumed. I could not, how- 
 ever, help at length remarking the singular and mournful 
 wildness of his manner, as, drawing a chair in silence, lie 
 seated himself opposite the sofa, and fixed his full, dark, 
 penetrating eyes upon me, with a glance of the keenest 
 scrutiny. 
 
 " It is, it must be so ! " he at length exclaimed, his 
 sudden and unlooked-for appeai^ance having too much 
 disconcerted me to admit of niy addressing him at the 
 moment. " It must be so, Mr. Stafford, I greatly fear 
 fear, did I say ? hope would have been a more oppro- 
 priate expression that I have been greatly, dreadfully 
 deceived, that I have been driven, goaded on, to the per- 
 petration of an act, to you most unjustifiably injurious ; 
 and, oh ! how much more so to my own peace of mind ! 
 And yet, if so it be, what am I to think ? Is this hand 
 never to be free from the stain of blood? Must I 
 again " 
 
 His lip quivered, and as he covered his eyes with a 
 tremulous hand, I could perceive that his whole frame 
 was strongly agitated by some internal emotion. 
 
 " Major Fortescue," I replied, " your conduct and 
 expressions through the whole of this business have been 
 such as I profess not to be able either to explain or com- 
 prehend ; but if the latter, as I presume may be the case, 
 allude to an imposition which, I am half inclined to think, 
 has been practised upon you, know, sir, that Lord Man- 
 ningham is now in the house, from whom I shall, I doubt 
 not, receive ample justice, and whose testimony will at 
 once prove the little foundation that has existed for those 
 calumnies which have been fastened upon me. As to any 
 ulterior proceedings, you will use your pleasure. I never 
 did and never shall shrink from vindicating my reputa- 
 tion in any way you, or any other person, may think 
 proper to require." 
 
 " Oh, Stafford," rejoined my singular companion, " how 
 much do you mistake the nature of my feelings towards 
 you ! If my heart bled when I thought myself forced by 
 an irresistible command to point my weapon at the 1 
 of him whom I would gladly have taken to rny own, wluit 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 167 
 
 must it now do when I perceive that he, my preserver, 
 was guiltless of the act which, even if committed by him, 
 would but too surely have failed in justifying me to 
 myself for his destruction 1 Lord Manningham is indeed 
 here here, beyond all question, to convict me of the 
 blackest ingratitude, and to plunge me once more into 
 that ocean of uncertainty and impending crime from which 
 I fondly hoped that I had at length escaped." 
 
 Thus saying, he wrung my hand with a pressure almost 
 amounting to violence, while a cold shuddering showed 
 the strength of the convulsive affection which shook his 
 whole body. 
 
 " Strange, incomprehensible man ! " I exclaimed ; 
 " against whom, then, is this ' impending crime * to be 
 directed 1 or who is that powerful and remorseless insti- 
 gator, whose sanguinary behests you find it so impossible 
 to disobey, even when they go to the diabolical extent 
 of depriving a fellow-creature of life 1 Who is this fiend ? 
 
 Is it, can it be possible, that Lord Manningham " 
 
 " Oh, no ! no, no ! Lord Manningham is as innocent 
 
 of the knowledge as . But we are interrupted no 
 
 more of this at present. You shall one day know the 
 story the brief, yet miserable story, of the unhappy being 
 before you ; and then you will pity, yes Stafford, you 
 must pity, though you may not forgive me. They are 
 here." 
 
 He rose as he uttered these last words ; and relinquish- 
 ing the hand which he had hitherto retained, walked to the 
 window, while the opening door exhibited to my view the 
 figure of Sir Oliver Bullwinkle, ushering into the room 
 the well-remembered, venerable, and military-looking per- 
 sonage whom I had seen alight from the chariot on the 
 eventful morning of my mortifying repulse. 
 
 A smile of good-humoured urbanity relieved the serious 
 expression which concern at my situation appeared to 
 have cast over his countenance, as, advancing into the 
 chamber, he proffered me his hand, saying, without wait- 
 ing for the baronet's introduction 
 
 " Will my dear nephew excuse the petulant and absurd 
 conduct of an old man who ought to have known better ? 
 
1C8 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 and forgive the mistake which, through the knavery of a 
 rascal, occasioned him so rude a rejection, in a house the 
 doors of which ought to have flown open of themselves to 
 welcome him 1 " 
 
 The air of frank good-humour, by no means devoid of 
 dignity, with which Lord Manningham made his advances, 
 would at once have dissipated any remains of resentment 
 which I might have retained against him, had it been 
 possible for me, with the conviction I now felt that an 
 impudent imposition had been practised upon both of us, 
 to have suffered any such to exist. 
 
 My reply was perfectly in accordance with these senti- 
 ments ; and a few moments sufficed to put all parties, 
 with the exception of one individual, completely at their 
 ease. 
 
 That one was Fortescue, the eccentric, the inexplicable 
 Fortescue. The address made to me by my noble uncle 
 had evidently convinced him of what indeed he had before, 
 apparently, ceased to doubt ; namely, that his venge.ince 
 had been misdirected, and levelled against a person in no 
 way implicated in, or responsible for, the villanous trans- 
 action which, it seemed, he considered himself commis- 
 sioned to chastise. Nevertheless, from his demeanour 
 during the conversation which ensued between my two 
 uncles and myself, a conversation which he witnessed 
 without joining in, it would have been difficult to deter- 
 mine whether joy or regret was the predominant feeling 
 of his mind at the eclair tissement which ensued. 
 
 From this colloquy I collected that, immediately on 
 quitting me, my late antagonist, whom my repeated 
 declarations had at last staggered in his belief of my 
 being the insulter of Miss Stafford, had flown with all the 
 speed good cattle and well-feed drivers could exert, to 
 Grosvenor Square, where he found Sir Oliver, then recently 
 arrived in London, in close divan with Lord Manningham 
 on the very subject he had himself travelled so eagerly to 
 introduce. 
 
 The result of their conference was such as to convert 
 the doubts he had already begun to entertain almost into 
 a certainty of his mistake j the fact, however, turn out as 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 169 
 
 it might, it was soon resolved, should be forthwith ascer- 
 tained by the evidence of Lord Manningham himself, who, 
 wishing as earnestly as any one to dive at once to the 
 bottom of the mystery which enveloped the whole trans- 
 action, readily acquiesced in a proposal made by Fortescue, 
 and strongly seconded by Sir Oliver, that he should, with 
 all convenient speed, accompany the latter to Underdown 
 Hall, and satisfy all parties, by the test of ocular demon- 
 stration, whether the person wounded a word, by the 
 way, which made the good baronet jump out of his chair, 
 as if the seat had been suddenly subjected to the action 
 of an electric conductor was, or was not, the identical 
 hero of the memorable expedition to St. Albans. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 Thrice happy they who tread the sacred ground 
 Where learning's joys with peace serene are found. 
 
 SHARPE. 
 
 THE LIONS. SPURS AND SWORDS. SKULLS AND BONES. PRIDE IN A 
 PUNCH-BOWL. HISTORIC DOUBTS. AN EPITAPH. A PRIZE POEM. 
 
 SIR OLIVER, whom we left amusing himself with the 
 " lions " at Oxford, had derived, it seems, so much grati- 
 fication from the scenes there submitted to his view, 
 scenes which, independent of their real beauty, possessed 
 also the seducing charm of novelty to recommend them 
 to his notice, that he was easily persuaded to extend the 
 period which he had originally determined should be the 
 limit of his stay, and to accompany his son to the party 
 at Oriel, the invitation to which had been the means of 
 introducing Mr. Hanbury to his acquaintance. 
 
 With this young gentleman, indeed, Sir Oliver had 
 become much pleased, as he had very good-naturedly 
 devoted a good deal of time to the accompanying him 
 through the University, and pointing out to his notice 
 everything in it that is usually an object of curiosity to 
 strangers. 
 
170 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 In this, his voluntarily assumed office, he acted as a 
 most efficient substitute for my Cousin Nicholas, whom 
 the egotistical details in which I have lately indulged 
 have occasioned me too much to neglect. 
 
 The strength of this interesting invalid was, as he 
 informed his father, scarcely yet renovated enough to 
 admit of his undergoing the fatigue of " lionizing," though 
 he occasionally attended him on some of his shorter 
 perambulations. 
 
 The impression made upon the baronet's mind by the 
 wonders of Alma Mater was a profound one, and filled 
 him with much veneration for those seats of learning, of 
 which, if the truth must be told, he had previously enter- 
 tained a very inadequate, not to say derogatory, idea. 
 
 The immense collection of volumes contained in the 
 Bodleian filled him with wonder and amazement, which 
 was not a little heightened when his son informed him 
 that, in order to obtain even a moderately respectable 
 degree, it was absolutely necessary for the student to 
 make himself master of at least three-fourths of their 
 contents. This piece of intelligence, deriving all due 
 weight from the gravity with which it was announced, 
 and the confirmation of Hanbury, struck him with no 
 little awe, or, as Nicholas happily expressed it, " quite 
 conglomerated the governor's faculties," while it tended 
 much to abate the regret which he had begun to entei'- 
 tain at the recollection of his never having himself 
 prosecuted his studies in a place the very air of which 
 seemed impregnated with wisdom and science. 
 
 The Ashmolean Museum, too, came in for its due share 
 of admiration, with its gloves and spurs of the unhappy 
 Charles the First, its Henry the Eighth's crystal-hilted 
 sword, and one of the skulls of Oliver Cromwell, the 
 fellow to which is, I am told, preserved with equal care 
 at Naseby, a smaller one, said to have belonged to him 
 when a little boy, and once in the possession of Sir 
 Ash ton Lever, is, I believe, generally admitted to be 
 spurious. 
 
 These and other relics of the olden time, not forgetting 
 the gigantic thigh-bone supposed to have been once the pro- 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 171 
 
 perty of Sir Bevis of Hampton, drew from Sir Oliver a 
 long and interesting dissertation on the manners and 
 usages of the chivalrous ages, which, I much regret for 
 the reader's sake, was not committed to writing on the 
 spot, were it only to preserve certain authentic family 
 anecdotes with which it was interspersed, about sundry 
 illustrious Bullwinkles who flourished in those happy days. 
 
 The baronet could not, however, help expressing his 
 surprise at finding no traces preserved, in this curious 
 repository, of the celebrated brazen head constructed by 
 Hoger Bacon, whose history, as delivered to himself by 
 his maternal grandmother, he very faithfully recapitulated 
 at large, scouting the idea that the bit of gilded wood, 
 miscalled a nose, to which I have already alluded, could 
 ever have formed part or parcel of the head in question, 
 though Nicholas quoted Bishop Heber's " Whippiad " * to 
 convince him of the truth of the hypothesis. 
 
 The splendid crosier of William of Wykeham attracted 
 his attention much more than the beautiful chapel in 
 which it is preserved ; but of all the curious and interest- 
 ing objects presented to his view, no one article in the 
 whole University, as Sir Oliver several times afterwards 
 took occasion to declare, conveyed to his mind so lively an 
 impression of the " Sublime and Beautiful " as the mag- 
 nificent amplitude of the " Great Sir Watkin," the pride 
 and glory of Jesus College. 
 
 At sight of this most stupendous of all possible punch- 
 bowls, my uncle was absolutely enraptured, words were 
 too weak to express the extent of his admiration ; and 
 seldom, indeed, in after-days, was his favourite beverage 
 placed before him without a tear of sympathetic remem- 
 brance glistening in his eye, as he made some allusion to 
 its massy splendour. 
 
 Nor were Sir Oliver's examinations entirely confined to 
 the precincts of the University : a hundred hallowed spots 
 in its neighbourhood were explored. The haunted remains 
 of Cumnor, which Sir Walter has since invested with such 
 
 * Where o'er the door in brazen radiance glows 
 The vast projection of the mystic nose, 
 JBelic erewhile of Bacon's wondrous arts," &c. 
 
172 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS, 
 
 absorbing interest, the chaste shades of Bagley, and tho 
 leafy honours of " Joe Fallen's Tree," all underwent his 
 scrutiny ; nor was Godstow forgotten, where, after a 
 hearty luncheon upon spitch-cocked eels, the baronet had 
 the satisfaction of copying into his own pocket-book, 
 with his own hand, the sole memorial to the fair para- 
 mour of our second Henry, which some pious hand has 
 inscribed amidst the ruins where she died : 
 
 "Hie jacet in terris Hosa mundi, non Rosamunda ! 
 Non redolet, sed olet, qiue redolere solet." 
 
 It is far from improbable that Sir Oliver, with all his 
 love for antiquity, might not have troubled himself to 
 copy an inscription of which, in its original language, 
 he did not understand one syllable, had not Nicholas, of 
 whose poetical abilities I have formerly given a pleasing 
 specimen, translated it for him into the vernacular, and 
 recommended that it should be transferred to Miss Pye- 
 finch's album, in the following distich, composed, as he 
 averred, in the true spirit of the original : 
 
 " Here doth Fair Rosamond like any peasant lie ! 
 She once was fragrant, but now smells unpleasantly !" 
 
 " And yet," said Hanbury, when Sir Oliver had " booked 
 it," " there are those who maintain that all our sympathy 
 for the fair Clifford is only so much good feeling thrown 
 awav that Queen Eleanor, after all, was of the two the 
 more befitting object of it ; they say that the bowl and 
 the dagger are all moonshine, and that the beloved chere 
 amie survived, by many a good long year, the injured wife 
 who is stigmatized as her murderess." 
 
 "The devil they do !" said Sir Oliver. 
 
 " Yes, sir," answered Nicholas, " such is the scepticism 
 of the age. Modern research, indeed, has upset all our 
 received impressions of English history. Harold was not 
 killed at Hastings, Richard of Bordeaux at Pontefrnct, 
 nor Edward the Second at Berkeley Castle ; Henry the 
 Sixth was not killed at all ; Richard the Third was a 
 well-made man \ his nephews were never smothered " 
 
 "It's a lie !" cried the baronet ; "I've seen their ghosts 
 at the play !" 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 173 
 
 " In short," continued my cousin, not noticing the 
 interruption, "romances, 'it has been justly observed,' 
 are histories which we do not believe to be true, whilst 
 histories are romances which we do believe to be true." 
 
 " I do not believe a word of it," said my uncle. " Do 
 you mean to tell me, Nick, that the labyrinth, and the 
 clue, and the queen, and the poison, are not all as true as 
 that you are sitting there ]" 
 
 The baronet, if little versed in the lucubrations of 
 Rapin and Hume, was te well up " in " Kobin Hood's 
 Garland," " Rosamond's Bower," and the " Seven Cham- 
 pions of Christendom." 
 
 " I mean, sir," returned the undergraduate, " that 
 modern research has gone far to prove the contrary." 
 
 " Prove it ! you can as soon prove that the moon is 
 made of green cheese, or that I am sitting on the other 
 side of the table !" 
 
 "So you are, Sir Oliver," quoth Nicholas, coolly. 
 " Logic, my dear sir, will prove that, or anything else, at 
 Oxford." 
 
 " That I am on the other side of the table 1 " asked the 
 astounded baronet. 
 
 " Clearly, sir ; for instance, you admit that the table 
 has two sides." 
 
 " Of course." 
 
 " And that I am sitting on one side of it ] " 
 
 " Well, puppy ! " 
 
 " Then, sir, you are most decidedly sitting on the other. 
 Logic, my dear sir, logic will prove anything !" 
 
 " Logic be !" said Sir Oliver. He was conquered, 
 
 but not convinced, and, like most people in a similar pre- 
 dicament, began to be angry, when Hanbury came to the 
 rescue, and diverted the storm by volunteering to read, 
 for the edification of the party, a poem, which he said he 
 had just sent in, as being one of the candidates for the 
 University prize : it commenced 
 
 "Fronde novil viridis mea tempora cingo salicti 
 
 Cursus dum volvunt annus et una dies. 
 Si quaeris, dubitans, cur sic mea tempora cingo ? 
 Impromptu causa eat Cara Amaryllis abest ! " &c. 
 
174 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 I shall not inflict the whole of the poem on my 
 readers, merely observing that my Cousin Nicholas, still 
 performing the part of interpreter, rendered it pathetically 
 into English, as they punted slowly down the stream 
 homewards under the auspices of the redoubted Dan 
 Stewart : 
 
 "It's all round my hat I wear the green willow, 
 
 All round my hat, for a twelvemonth and a day 
 And if any one asks me the reason why I wear it ? 
 It is because my true love is far, far away ! " &c. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 His cogitative faculties immersed 
 In cogibundity of cogitation ! 
 
 Chrononltoton tli ologos. 
 
 Sweet 's the love that meets return ? 
 Old Song. 
 
 CONSTERNATION. OBJURGATION. SEPARATION. VISITATION. PE 
 BEGRINATION. MEDITATION. EXPLANATION. RESTORATION. 
 DECLARATION. 
 
 AMIDST objects of such interesting speculation, time 
 flew quickly on, till the approach of the vacation ; and 
 the baronet at length prepared to .return to London, 
 accompanied by his son, George Hanbury making a third 
 in the post-chaise. 
 
 To this young gentleman, as I have already hinted, did 
 Sir Oliver " seriously incline :" he had, in the simplicity 
 of his heart, become much attached to him, and was not a 
 little glad of his company ; nor did he fail to give him 
 a pressing invitation to continue their com.pagnon de 
 voyage as far as the Hall, where he promised him a 
 hearty welcome. 
 
 Hanbury, in return, expressed himself much pleased 
 with the prospect of paying him a visit in the country, 
 and pledged himself to do so as soon as he should have 
 paid his respects to a maiden aunt, to whom he lay under 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 175 
 
 very great obligations, and who might fancy herself 
 slighted should he fail to pass the first week of the vaca- 
 tion, as usual, at her house in the vicinity of Brighton. 
 
 Sir Oliver gave him great credit for his dutiful atten- 
 tion to so respectable a relative, and before the party 
 reached town had even granted his consent that my 
 cousin should accompany him down to Frump Paddock, 
 on the express condition that both the young men should 
 repair to the Hall at the end of the above-named period ; 
 Nicholas at the same time averring that no doubt the 
 invigorating air of the South Downs and the sea-breezes 
 would prove of material benefit to his still debilitated 
 frame, and increase considerably the efficacy of "Hux- 
 ham's Tincture." 
 
 On reaching the metropolis, Sir Oliver drove immediately 
 to our old quarters at the Tavistock, and inquired for me. 
 His surprise was nearly equal to his disappointment at 
 finding that I had left London without waiting his 
 return ; nor did these sensations experience any abate- 
 ment when he had perused the letter which I had left at 
 the bar, with directions that it should be presented to 
 him on his arrival. My good uncle was indeed completely 
 puzzled by its contents, and, after reading and re-reading 
 it at least half a dozen times, remained for full five 
 minutes in a sta,te of self- communing deliberation, which, 
 from some real or fancied peculiarity of hue communi- 
 cated by its influence to the visage, the world has agreed 
 to particularize by the name of a " brown study." 
 
 His mental abstraction was indeed for a time so con- 
 siderable, as to induce a suspicion among his companions 
 that a nap, which had more than once seemed to meditate 
 an attack upon him during their journey, had at length 
 succeeded in making his senses captive to its overpowering 
 influence, the only circumstance which militated against 
 this idea being the want of that musical accompaniment, 
 the harmony of whose tones was usually co-existent with 
 the first approaches of the drowsy deity upon Sir Oliver. 
 
 The chain of his ideas if that expression may be used 
 where concatenation or order there was none gave \\--.\y 
 at length before my Cousin Nicholas, who, in his politcsb 
 
176 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 manner, offered his father a pinch of snuff. My uncle 
 took it mechanically, slowly raising his eyes from the 
 fender on which they had been fixed, and staring him full 
 in the face, but without speaking. Nicholas had emptied 
 the cayenne pepper-caster into his box ; the titillating 
 pungency was productive of the happiest effects ; Sir 
 Oliver was roused at once from his " handsome fix ;" he 
 sneezed, and unclosed his lips. 
 
 " Why, what, in the d 1's name, can be the meaning 
 of all this ? ' Circumstances which he can neither explain 
 nor control.' ' Lord Manningham prejudiced' why, 
 what does the puppy mean ? " 
 
 " Upon my word, Sir Oliver," replied my cousin, who, 
 from the direction of my uncle's eyes as he uttered this 
 ejaculation, supposed, or chose to suppose, the query 
 addressed to himself, " your question is somewhat diffi- 
 cult to answer, and the rather as it is perfectly impossible 
 for me to form a probable conjecture as to its subject ; but 
 if you will allow me to inspect that mysterious epistle, 
 which seems to have given birth to it, I shall be extremely 
 happy to give you every elucidation in my power." 
 
 " Indeed, sir, I shall do no such thing ; what business 
 is it of yours, pray ? but I'll get to the bottom of it I 
 will have an answer !" 
 
 " Before I know the question, sir 1 " 
 
 "Hold your tongue, you scoundrel, and don't put me 
 into a passion ; the dog has given me the slip, but 
 I'll " 
 
 " Oh, sir, is that it?" quoth Nicholas; " then, in my 
 humble opinion, Sir Oliver, the best method you can 
 adopt will be to advertise him immediately, with a suit- 
 able reward for his recovery, d d careless rascals, these 
 waiters ! I dare say, if the truth was known, they have 
 sold him ; is it Don or Carlo, Sir OliVer 1 " 
 
 The quickness of my cousin's eye enabled him to avoid 
 the sudden impetus of the baronet's cane, which would 
 otherwise, in all probability, have produced a serious con- 
 tusion on his pericranium ; as it was, the blow spent 
 itself in empty air, but not before it had destroyed in its 
 progress a glass of sherry-negus, which, having been 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 177 
 
 unadvisedly placed too near the edge of the table, came 
 within the compass of the parabola described by the 
 walking-stick. 
 
 For once this facetious young gentleman had overshot 
 his mark. Sir Oliver, being far from quick-sighted, was 
 not unfrequently taken in, by the serious demeanour of 
 his son and heir, so as to give implicit credit to a gravity 
 too profound to excite his suspicion ; but, on the present 
 occasion, not all the good baronet's bonhomie and gulli- 
 bility, of which, to say the truth, he certainly possessed a 
 very respectable share, could prevent his seeing that 
 Nicholas was indulging his wit at his expense ; and the 
 conviction of this not only occasioned the destruction of 
 the aforesaid rummer of negus, but also of an article by 
 no means less fragile to wit, the small remains of patience 
 which the perusal of my " unaccountable " letter had left 
 in Sir Oliver's possession. 
 
 All the influence which young Hanbury had acquired 
 was for a while insufficient to check or divert the storm, 
 the whole fury of which was directed against the head of 
 the audacious and provoking delinquent ; at length, how- 
 ever, his interference prevailed so far as to allay something 
 of the baronet's anger, while the remainder was diverted 
 into a different channel, and, by degrees, " in hollow 
 murmurs died away." 
 
 This portion of his wrath Sir Oliver was rather at a loss 
 to find a proper object for. It appeared pretty clear to 
 him that he had ample reason to be very much offended 
 with somebody, but whether Lord Manningharn or myself 
 was the legitimate character on whom his wrath ought to 
 devolve, was a point which he found it rather difficult to 
 make up his mind upon at present. One of the two, it 
 was pretty certain, must deserve a considerable degree of 
 vituperation at his hands ; and therefore, in order that, 
 through a weak and ill-judged lenity, the real offender 
 might not escape his justice, he scattered his blessings 
 with no sparing hand, and with a tolerably impartial 
 distribution, on the heads of both of us, declaring his fixed 
 determination of calling on the viscount the first thing he 
 did in the morning, for the purpose of obtaining from him 
 
178 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 a categorical explanation of what he was pleased to term, 
 " my d d absurdity." 
 
 His first intention was, indeed, to proceed to Grosvenor 
 Square forthwith ; nor was it without some difficulty that 
 he was induced, by the reiterated representations of both 
 his companions, to delay his visit, on the ground that 
 seven o'clock in the afternoon was rather an inconvenient 
 hour to call upon a nobleman, who would by that time, in 
 all probability, be thinking of his dinner. 
 
 Sir Oliver yielded rather to the repetition than the 
 justice of these arguments, and at length suffered hi 
 to be so far mollified as to defer his expedition till the 
 following day, when he desired Nicholas to be prepared 
 to accompany him ; but a letter unexpectedly arriving 
 the next morning for Hanbury, written from Frump 
 Paddock, and announcing the sudden indisposition of his 
 revered relative, that exemplary and affectionate young 
 man found it absolutely necessary to depart with all speed 
 into Sussex, carrying with him his estimable friend, at 
 least a couple of hours previous to Sir Oliver's quitting 
 his pillow. 
 
 He left, however, a note, inclosed in another from my 
 Cousin Nicholas, stating the unfortunate emergency which 
 had called him so suddenly away, and the impossibility of 
 his depriving himself of the consolations of friendship, 
 should the unhappy malady of his aunt terminate in a 
 manner, the possibility of which he shuddered to contem- 
 plate. He added, moreover, that their joint imwillin^m^s 
 to disturb Sir Oliver after so fatiguing a journey had 
 prevented their personally soliciting a concurrence which 
 they knew he would not refuse, and concluded by pro- 
 mising to rejoin him at the Hall the instant the present 
 alarm should have subsided. 
 
 Uncle Bullwinkle hardly knew what to make of all 
 this when the letter was presented to him on his rising, 
 and the strong inclination he again felt to "anathema 
 rendered shaving a particularly unpleasant and somewhat 
 dangerous operation ; the quick contraction and expansion, 
 of the muscles about his mouth called for the oxeiv 
 all the professional experience and dexterity of the op> 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 179 
 
 rator, notwithstanding the additional degree of steadiness 
 afforded to his hand by the precautionary grasp of that 
 particular part of the human countenance which gentle- 
 men of his profession alone are allowed to handle with 
 impunity ; nor, indeed, could all his care and ability 
 prevent his patient's occasionally absorbing a most un- 
 palatable proportion of suds, when the mouth, he felt so 
 invincible an inclination to open, would, more than once 
 in spite of himself, unclose during the rapid evolutions of 
 the brush, as if on purpose to receive the savoury bonne 
 louche. 
 
 As soon as my Uncle Oliver was sliaved, and had con- 
 signed to the recesses of his interior some half-dozen eggs 
 and a couple of French rolls, with a proportionate quan- 
 tity of cold boiled beef and mustard, he proceeded to 
 liquefy the same with half a cup of tea, and a whole quart 
 of ale, a moderate repast, which he contrived to despatch 
 in something less than half an hour, or, to use the language 
 of the racing calendar, " performed it with ease in nine- 
 and-twenty minutes," much to the satisfaction of himself, 
 and the undisguised admiration of the waiters. 
 
 Being now in high condition for the work of the day, 
 he began to think of putting into execution his resolve of 
 the preceding evening, and prepared for a visit to Lord 
 Manningham. 
 
 At the period of which I am speaking, the luxury of 
 the hackney-chariot, the celerity of the cab, and the 
 economy of the omnibus, were yet sleeping in the womb 
 of Time ; my uncle's two-shilling fare was therefore of 
 necessity performed in one of those shattered and shatter- 
 ing vehicles which modern refinement denominates " a 
 Misery," in contradistinction to its most elegant rival, the 
 chariot, since, in the nomenclature of fashion, technically 
 designated as " a Swell." 
 
 The coach which conveyed Sir Oliver to Grosvenor 
 Square was one more execrable " than all its tribe," and 
 no enfranchised debtor, rushing from the melancholy 
 purlieus of the Fleet or the Marshalsea, ever stretched his 
 limbs in greater ecstasy at deliverance from durance vile, 
 than did the baronet on emerging from his crazy recep- 
 
180 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 tacle, which, in imitation of the celebrated and affable 
 Mrs. Gilpin, though from a motive totally opposed to 
 the one which influenced that exemplary matron,* he 
 had directed to te draw up some three doors off" the 
 mansion which was to be the limit of his journey. 
 
 Lord Manningham, fortunately for the preservation of 
 the baronet's equanimity, was at home and disengaged ; 
 and his visitor, on sending in his name, was immediately 
 ushered into an elegant breakfast-room, with something 
 more of respect than a supercilious gentleman's gentleman 
 seemed previously disposed to pay to his old-fashioned 
 figure and costume. Here he found his noble host, with 
 his lovely daughter, in the act of concluding a morning's 
 repast, not quite so substantial as that from which he had 
 himself so lately risen. 
 
 The frank and cordial reception given him by the peer 
 tended not a little to increase the embarrassment under 
 which Sir Oliver laboured, from not having been able to 
 make up his mind as to the precise demeanour which it 
 became him, in his present state of uncertainty, to assume; 
 but when he received the smiling and affectionate wel- 
 come of his beautiful niece, the affair was settled at once, 
 and the air of reserve he had thought it necessary to 
 attempt to put on (an air no one in this world was less 
 calculated to maintain for five minutes) vanished imme- 
 diately. Loaded, as he was, to the very muzzle, with 
 queries and expostulations, it was some time before he 
 was fairly able to fire a single shot, or get into a discussion 
 of the matter which was uppermost in his mind. 
 
 Miss Stafford at length quitted the room, in obedience 
 to a hint from her father, and Sir Oliver disembogued his 
 whole cataract of surprise and wonderment at finding 
 only an inexplicable letter from me, at the hotel, instead 
 of myself, in proprid persond, domesticated, as he fully 
 expected I should be, in Grosvenor Square. 
 
 * The morning came, the chaise was brought, 
 
 But yet was not allow'd 
 To drive up to the door, lest nil 
 Should say that she was proud ! 
 
 COWPEK. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 181 
 
 If the good baronet was before puzzled, Lord Manning- 
 ham's recital of the events declared to have taken place 
 so recently in the family, did not much contribute to dis- 
 perse the clouds by which he was obfuscated, while his 
 own account of the loss of my first letter of introduction, 
 and his journey to London as the bearer of a second, 
 which, too, it appeared, had never reached its destination, 
 produced in turn full as great an effect upon his auditor, 
 who, to judge by the expression of doubt and surprise visible 
 in his countenance as he steadfastly regarded the narrator, 
 seemed to be balancing the probabilities, pro and con., of 
 the sanity of Sir Oliver's intellects. 
 
 How long they might have continued in this state of 
 mutual perplexity it is impossible to say, had not a thun- 
 dering application at the hall-door attracted their atten- 
 tion at this moment, in spite of the interest excited by 
 their debate, when the entrance of a third person upon 
 the scene, and the tidings of which he was the bearer, for 
 a time rendered their " confusion worse confounded." 
 
 This interloper was Eustace Fortescue. His arrival was 
 by no means mal-a-propos. Sir Oliver, fully convinced of 
 the physical impossibility of my having acted in the 
 manner laid to my charge, and at the same time con- 
 founded by the positive testimony and circumstantial 
 details of his lordship, had become a necessary conse- 
 quence with him whenever he found himself thoroughly 
 mystified passing wrathful ; nor is it to be doubted but 
 that a breach, perhaps an irreparable one, might have 
 taken place between my two uncles but for this opportune 
 interruption. 
 
 At first, indeed, Fortescue's disclosures had the effect 
 of increasing the irritation of both parties ; but soon the 
 alarm which Sir Oliver began to entertain for the life of 
 one so dear to him as I had become, and the newly- 
 awakened fears of Lord Manningham that an imposition 
 might really have been practised on him, combined to 
 render them both more amenable to the laws of reason. 
 
 Sir Oliver, to whom the possibility of the latter circum- 
 stance had never suggested itself, had contented himself 
 with briefly denying the whole of his lordship's story in 
 
182 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 the aggregate, or, as he phrased it, " in the lump," and 
 the consequent indignation of the peer at the more than 
 implied doubts of his veracity, together with the rage of 
 the baronet at the supposed calumnies heaped upon his 
 favourite nephew, now gradually sunk from fever-heat to 
 a much more moderate temperature, and the threatened 
 storm subsided into something resembling a calm. 
 
 It was eventually agreed that his lordship's travelling- 
 carriage should bo got ready with as much despatch as a 
 due regard to the mutual convenience of the parties would 
 allow, for the purpose of adjourning that conclave to the 
 spot where alone this intricate and mysterious affair could 
 receive its elucidation. 
 
 Terrified at the idea of my danger, Sir Oliver was 
 anxious to start without delay. Nobly eager to atone for 
 an error he began to anticipate he must have fallen into, 
 and shocked at its melancholy consequences, Lord Mari- 
 ningham was no less desirous of setting out immediately ; 
 but the latter strenuously urged and entreated Fortescue, 
 whose haggard looks evinced the distress of mind and 
 fatigue of body which he had recently undergone, to defer 
 his journey back until exhausted nature should have 
 derived a new supply of vigour from refreshment and 
 repose. In this desire, however, he was vehemently 
 Opposed by the object of his solicitude, who declared, 
 with an air of determination which showed the vanity of 
 remonstrance, that no power on earth should induce him 
 to lay his head upon his pillow, until he had ascertained 
 beyond all dispute, whether I was indeed the most 
 wronged, and he the most ungrateful of mankind. 
 
 It was evident that farther opposition would only irri- 
 tate without being effectual : Lord Manniugham, there- 
 fore, gave a reluctant assent to his making one of the 
 party, and at the earnest request of Miss Stafford, she also 
 was allowed to occupy the vacant corner in the carriage. 
 
 Commenced under such auspices, it can scarcely be 
 im;i;;-incd that the journey down to Underdowii Hall 
 would be productive of much pleasure or amusement to 
 any individual of the quartet, and the whole party must 
 have experienced no inconsiderable decree oi' relief when 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 183 
 
 a turning in the road presented to the eye of Amelia a 
 village spire, rising above a tufted knoll, which Sir 
 Oliver announced to be that of the parish church of 
 Underdo wn. 
 
 A few minutes brought them down the avenue of lofty 
 trees which formed the majestic approach to the house, 
 and the worthy baronet, whose anxiety for me made him 
 forgetful of etiquette in all its branches, sprang from the 
 carriage with more agility than could fairly have been 
 expected from even a foxhunter of his time of life. His 
 earnest inquiries were, however, so satisfactorily answered, 
 that, checking the strong inclination which he felt to pro- 
 ceed instantly to my apartment, he contented himself 
 with returning to his compagnons de voyage, and declar- 
 ing the good tidings he had heard, as he sorely embarrassed 
 every one of them by encumbering them with his assistance 
 in their descent. 
 
 The party had been for some time assembled in the 
 Cedar-parlour, and a salutation, not less affecting than 
 sincere, had taken place between my mother, Lord Man- 
 ningham, and his daughter, before it was perceived that 
 one of the company was missing. 
 
 The varied and strong emotions which combined to 
 agitate the bosom of Mrs. Stafford at thus unexpectedly 
 meeting with the only surviving and favourite brother of 
 a husband whose memory was enshrined in her very 
 inmost soul ; the recollection which unavoidably forced 
 itself upon the mind of that brother, how nearly tho 
 widow of his beloved Charles had, from circumstances in 
 which he bore so prominent a part, been deprived of all 
 that now remained to make life valuable to her, all con- 
 spired to render the interview so painfully pleasing to 
 themselves, and so interesting to those who witnessed it, 
 that some time had elapsed ere Sir Oliver, who first 
 recovered his composure, discovered that Major Fortescue 
 had left the room. 
 
 Divining the quarter to which his footsteps would be 
 directed, Lord Manningham moved an immediate adjourn- 
 ment to the sick-room, declaring his impatience to do 
 justice to a nephew, whom he now felt convinced ho hud 
 
184: MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 so unintentionally contributed to injure, and to obtain 
 Ms pardon for the annoyance so unwittingly inflicted. 
 
 Sir Oliver volunteered to officiate as master of the 
 ceremonies on this interesting occasion ; and Sir Robert 
 Chester, or Beau Nash himself, could scarcely have exhi- 
 bited greater alacrity I say nothing as to grace than 
 he did in conducting his noble visitor up the great stair- 
 case towards my apartment ; nor, although in the course 
 of his progress he had to traverse the whole length of the 
 " Northern Gallery," did the kind-hearted old man pause 
 one instant to introduce to his new friend's acquaintance 
 a single one of the illustrious Bull winkles who smiled or 
 frowned, according to their respective sexes, upon its 
 walls. Never, I may safely venture to affirm, had a 
 similar mark of inattention to our renowned progenitors 
 taken place since he had filled the dignified post of their 
 representative ; and strong, indeed, must have been the 
 impulse of that affection which could carry him, as it did 
 on this occasion, through their ranks at the pas de charge 
 with such a listener as Lord Manningham immediately in 
 his wake. A slight motion of one hand did, it is true, direct 
 the eye of the latter to the panoply of the ever-glorious 
 Roger ; but as the other, at the same instant, turned the 
 handle of the last intervening door, a momentary glance 
 only was permitted to his lordship before he found him- 
 self, as before stated, face to face with the individual 
 respecting whom his sentiments had so recently under- 
 gone a second revolution. 
 
 Our interview might probably have been prolonged to 
 a much greater extent than it was, but for the interposi- 
 tion of Drench, who, having called to make his daily visit, 
 declared that the increased action of my pulse rendered 
 a longer continuance of the conversation at present 
 unadvisable. 
 
 The departure of my visitors did not, however, imme- 
 diately produce that return of tranquillity which the 
 doctor had anticipated ; and, with all due respect for my 
 little friend's skill in diagnostics, I am led to believe that 
 the circumstance of my now at last finding myself domi- 
 ciled under the same roof with her who had laid so 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 185 
 
 forcible a hold on my affections, had at least as great a 
 share in accelerating the current of ray blood, as the hearty, 
 not to say boisterous, felicitations of Uncle Oliver, or the 
 milder, but not less interesting, remarks of my newly-found 
 relative. 
 
 Miss Manningham herself did not " show " during the 
 whole of that to me long, long day ; her " compliments 
 to her cousin" were, however, duly consigned to me 
 through the medium of Miss Pyefinch, and with this 
 trifling manifestation of her remembrance I was com- 
 pelled to remain satisfied for the present ; but I cannot 
 Hatter the learned advisers of this temporary secession 
 with the success of their experiment, nor dare I assert 
 that my couch was rendered less restless in consequence, 
 or my slumbers earlier or more prolonged. 
 
 Such, however, is the domination of mind over matter, 
 that, in spite of an almost sleepless night, I was pro- 
 nounced on the following morning not to have suffered 
 from the excitement of the preceding day ; on the con- 
 trary, Dr. Drench declared me to be decidedly better in 
 every respect, adding, with a very pardonable degree of 
 self-complacency, that he " perceived the composing 
 draught he had sent in had done me no harm." 
 
 With this his expressed opinion I most cordially 
 agreed ; nor could I, either in truth or gratitude, refuse 
 my assent to the proposition, inasmuch as the draught 
 thus lauded was, together with some four-and-twenty of 
 its fellows "all in a row," and all, no doubt, equally 
 efficacious, adorning at that very moment the uppermost 
 shelf of a contiguous closet. 
 
 The force of sympathy it were heresy to doubt ; the 
 bare glance of a medical man will, it is admitted, operate 
 per se in many disorders (among which the toothache 
 stands conspicuous), so as to produce instantaneous con- 
 valescence ; the sight of a " green and yellow " dose 
 that hue which the Bard has immortalized as the one 
 peculiar to melancholy had ever a most unaccountable 
 effect upon my nerves ; Martha's complicity and co- 
 operation had been, with some difficulty, secured ; Miss 
 i'yeiinch's attentions, and lumps of sugar, had been 
 
186 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 evaded, as well as the jalap whose unsavoury flavour 
 their sweetness was designed to counteract ; on a good 
 constitution and rigid abstinence I relied for keeping 
 down fever, and, in utter disregard of that skittle- 
 ground system of the faculty which treats a patient like 
 a nine-pin, first knocking him down for the purpose of 
 afterwards setting him up again, persisted in getting 
 well again my own way. 
 
 My recovery was proportionably rapid, as little time 
 was wasted in regaining a strength which I had never, 
 to any serious degree, parted with ; while all that was 
 yet wanting the vivifying smiles of my beautiful cousin 
 more than supplied. 
 
 Our first interview, of course, took place in the pre- 
 sence of the "members of the Seniority;" little room 
 was consequently left for the expression of sentiment on 
 the one side, or sympathy on the other ; but no sooner 
 did my amended health allow me to promenade in the 
 grounds, than I seized with eagerness the first oppor- 
 tunity which presented itself, to assure my fair associate 
 for Amelia was now become the kind companion of 
 my walks that there was far "more peril in her eye 
 than twenty of their pistols, or pestles." 
 
 I recounted to her, with all the ardour of a first and 
 only love, the sensations I had experienced on our first 
 and never-to-be-forgotten interview. I assured her of 
 the permanency as well as the vividness of my fiame ; 
 and, having given full vent to my passion in a very 
 respectable ebullition of bombastic prose, I never could 
 compass the poetic flights of Nicholas, received at length 
 my delicious reward, in beholding the " diamond eyes," 
 whose brilliancy I had duly adverted to, cast modestly 
 upon the green turf, and the "roseate cheeks" blushing 
 with a tenfold glow, as the ecstatic reference to " papa " 
 fell from the " ruby lips," inaudible to any other ears save 
 those of love. 
 
 The result of the reference thus kindly given, may be 
 easily anticipated ; Lord Manningham, in whose good 
 graces I had risen, perhaps the more rapidly from his 
 previous disappointment, shook inc warmly by the hand, 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 187 
 
 and candidly avowed that our union was of all things 
 the one nearest to his heart. 
 
 The placid smile, which once more resumed its place 
 upon my mother's countenance, evinced a joy not the less 
 real from being quiet. Sir Oliver rubbed his hands till 
 the friction set them in a fine glow, and farther evinced 
 his satisfaction in a noisy good-humour, which, though it 
 sometimes annoyed Amelia, and even myself, it was im- 
 possible to find fault with. Even Captain Pyefinch 
 mustered up words sufficient to convey his congratulations 
 in a brief bat emphatic " wish ye all joy," while his sister 
 incontinently took out a virgin crowquill alack ! the 
 ruby-pointed Rhodio-Perryan pens were then nonentities 
 and on a sheet of rose-coloured paper, beautifully em- 
 bossed round the edges, and highly perfumed with musk, 
 set herself seriously about the task of composing an 
 epithalamium. I regret much that I am prevented from 
 delighting my readers with this morceau. The only copy 
 was consumed by an (accidental) fire : it had, as I remem- 
 ber, a very fair proportion of " roses " and " posies," and 
 "blisses" and "kisses ;" but Tom Moore has since thrown 
 all these things completely into the shade. 
 
 The interval between "acceptation" and the final 
 riveting of the matrimonial fetters has been by some 
 styled the happiest portion of our lives : this is a position 
 which I shall not at present stop to consider. To those 
 who have not gone through the probation, the argument 
 would be uninteresting ; to those who have, unnecessary. 
 Of the conversations which occupied the attention of my 
 now affianced bride and myself during our rambles I shall 
 say nothing, save that in the course of them I found all 
 my suspicions as to the real author of the "jolly good 
 hoax" played off upon herself and her father amply 
 confirmed. 
 
 She told me that my pseudo-representative was the 
 same personage whom she had seen in my company at 
 the theatre : of course, it needed not the description of 
 his vermilion chevelure, and picturesque obliquity of vision, 
 to settle the question as to the identity of Nicholas. 
 
 Of this pleaeaut young gentleman we had heard 
 
188 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 nothing ; and the impatience of Sir Oliver on this account 
 vented itself occasionally in angry ejaculations at his 
 prolonged absence, especially after he had himself written 
 to " Frump Paddock," announcing the visit of Lord Man- 
 ningham to the Hall, and summoning its illustrious heir 
 home, for the purpose of assisting in doing the honours. 
 
 The cause of Nicholas's silence and continued stay I 
 could, of course, well divine ; but as I saw no good that 
 could possibly arise from denouncing him, while the dis- 
 covery of his audacity would assuredly go far to distress 
 and harass my kind uncle, I resolved not to expose him, 
 at least for the present, reserving to myself the privilege 
 of lecturing him pretty handsomely whenever I might be 
 favoured with his company, and of using the power which 
 iny possession of his secret would give me to restrain his 
 mischievous propensities for the future. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 Your castle is surprised, your wife and babes 
 Savagely slaughter'd ! 
 ***** 
 Wife, children, servants, all that could be found ! 
 
 Macbeth. 
 
 There are more things in Heaven and earth, Horatio, 
 Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 AN IN-COMING LANDLORD. AN OUT-GOING TENANT. MURDETl AND 
 ARSON. THE UNKINDEST CUT OF ALL. AN ESCAPE "NOBODY 
 KNOWS HOW." A NURSE AND A NURSELING. BOYS AND GIRLS. 
 PHILOSOPHY AND MADNESS. A "LITTLE GO" FROM OXFORD TO 
 HINDOSTAN. BATTLE, MURDER, AND SUDDEN DEATH ! THE LIVE- 
 LIEST CHAPTER IN THE BOOK. 
 
 IT was in the course of a long tete-ti-tete ramble that I 
 first learned from Amelia those particulars of the history 
 of Fortescue with which she was herself acquainted. The 
 father of Eustace, a distant relation of Lady 31amiing- 
 ham, had been the proprietor of a small landed estate, 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 189 
 
 situate in one of the south-western provinces of the sister 
 island, the greater part of which, being fond of agricultural 
 pursuits, he kept in his own hands, letting off the remain- 
 der to tenants at an easy rent. 
 
 In no science, perhaps, has real or fancied improvement 
 made greater progress of late years than in that of hus- 
 bandry ; and although the substitution of mechanical for 
 manual labour had not then reached the height to which 
 it has since attained, yet enough had already been done to 
 excite among the lower classes of agriculturists a con- 
 siderable distaste for inventions calculated, as they con- 
 ceived, to deprive them of employment. 
 
 Mr. Fortescue, naturally of a speculative turn of mind, 
 was one of the principal encouragers, not only of these 
 ingenious contrivances, but of every new method of 
 managing land which the theorists of the day suggested, 
 partly, perhaps, from a very natural wish to improve a 
 property by no means too large for his expenditure, and 
 partly, perhaps, from the very circumstance that it was 
 new one great reason for its exciting the dislike and 
 disdain of his Milesian neighbours, many of whom, doubt- 
 less, would consider the application of traces to a plough 
 an impious interference with the designs of Providence, 
 which had furnished the horse with a tail to tie it to. 
 
 But for one unfortunate circumstance, however, it is 
 questionable whether his new-fangled mode of farming 
 would have experienced any more serious interruption 
 than such as might have proceeded from its own occa- 
 sional inefficiency ; but this one was unluckily so fraught 
 with mischief, that not only the experiments, but the 
 experimentalist himself, fell at length a sacrifice to it. 
 The patronage which he extended to machinery only 
 made him unpopular, the expulsion of an idle and dis- 
 solute tenant cost him his life. 
 
 A cottager of the name of Donovan had for many 
 years occupied a small portion of ground under both his 
 father and himself. When, soon after the death of the 
 former, Mr. Fortescue, now in possession of the estate, 
 commenced farming on his own account, this man had 
 stood pre-eminent among those who declared that "no 
 
190 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 rual giutleman" would have thought of such a measure, 
 and had ever since nourished towards his new landlord a 
 sentiment of angry dislike, which he had scarcely taken 
 the trouble to conceal. 
 
 Donovan himself possessed all the vices of the class to 
 which he belonged, without any of their good qualities : 
 he was idle, dissolute, and revengeful, holding the whole 
 race of Fortescue in detestation as " Groin wellians," 
 strangers, upstarts, and' usurpers of yesterday alien 
 intruders upon the soil from which the rightful occupants 
 had been expelled. 
 
 To feelings of this description it was only nece 
 that some motives of a personal nature should be add-. I 
 in order to rouse his scarcely-slumbering passions, and 
 cause them to explode. These motives, unhappily, were 
 at length not wanting. 
 
 The idleness of Donovan, the slovenly state of the land 
 in his occupation, which, by its sterility and miserable 
 appearance, seemed actually to disgrace the rich pastures 
 and highly- cultivated fields of his landlord that surrounded 
 them, his constant absence at rent- day, and the impossi- 
 bility of ever extracting a shilling from him but by dis- 
 training ; and lastly, although Fortescue would never 
 have admitted it as a reason, his open opposition to, 
 and derision of, a favourite drill- plough, at length induced 
 the proprietor, in an evil hour for himself and his family, 
 to eject this unprofitable tenant from his farm, which he 
 forthwith added to the one already retained in his own 
 occupation. 
 
 Perhaps it was fortunate for the numerous applicants 
 who desired to be the successors of Donovan in the land 
 that he did so, as the man had been heard to observe that 
 whoever took " the place" over his head should be at no 
 loss for a house warming. Certain it is, that three months 
 had not elapsed from the date of the ejectment alluded 
 to, when the habitation of the unhappy Fortescue was 
 entered at the dead of night by a band of ruffians, among 
 whom his savage exultation but too plainly displayed 
 Donovan as pre-eminent, in spite of his besmeared fea- 
 tures and the disguise of a smock -frock worn over his 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 191 
 
 other habiliments. Indeed, from the character and dis- 
 position of the ID an, it may well be doubted whether he 
 would have considered his vengeance as complete had his 
 victim died in ignorance of the hand that struck the blow. 
 
 Not to dwell longer on a scene so dreadful and revolt- 
 ing, suffice it to say that the sun, which had gilt with its 
 declining beams the cheerful, comfortable-looking home- 
 stead of Mount Kavenagb, rose on a blackened pile of 
 smoking ruins, from which the scorched remains of the 
 owner were afterwards drawn forth, the skull exhibiting 
 a long and deep fracture, apparently produced by a blow 
 from a scythe or pole-axe. The half-consumed bodies of 
 his young wife and two infant cliildren were subsequently 
 discovered, and all consigned in the same day to one 
 common grave. 
 
 Of the domestics, two, who had ventured to raise their 
 hands in defence of " the master," had also perished ; the 
 rest, including the nurse, had saved themselves by flight, 
 the latter bearing with her the young Eustace, but not 
 before the terrified child had witnessed with horror the 
 destruction of both his parents. His very escape, indeed, 
 appeared a miracle, and could only be accounted for on 
 the presumption that a story, which came some time after 
 wards to be whispered about, had its foundation in fact. 
 
 This secret tale insinuated that Edith, who s6 cou- 
 rageously bore away the only surviving scion of her 
 master's stock, was aided in eluding the general massacre 
 of the family by a devoted swain of her own, who had 
 carried his regard for her so far as to become a member 
 of the murderous crew principally, if not solely, for the 
 purpose of preserving his innamorata, and who, finding 
 her obstinate in .refusing to fly without her foster-child, 
 assisted her in rescuing him, and gave the pair a tem- 
 porary asylum in his own cottage. 
 
 The truth or falsehood of this account Edith would 
 never directly admit or deny, even to Lady Manninghavn, 
 who received her and her protege, and in whose family 
 the young Fortescue was thenceforth brought up. 
 
 The arm of the law was on this occasion stretched forth 
 in vain to bring the murderous assassins to condign pun* 
 
192 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 ishment. Donovan, the only one among them whom 
 Edith could or would identify, was nowhere to be found, 
 nor was it until some considerable time had elapsed that 
 intelligence, authentic or fictitious, reached Ireland that 
 he had perished in a vessel which suffered shipwreck on 
 its voyage to America. 
 
 The young Fortescue in the meantime was carefully 
 tended and educated by Lord Manningham (who acted 
 in every respect as his natural guardian), along with his 
 own children, of whom he had at that period but two. 
 
 Frederic Stafford, then an only son, was delighted with 
 a companion of his own age, while Matilda, the daughter, 
 soon learned to feel for the youthful stranger an affection 
 of even a stronger nature than that which she experienced 
 towards her own more boisterous brother ; and when the 
 two boys, under the superintendence of a private tutor, 
 were at length removed to a public school, it may be 
 doubted whether, in. spite of the acknowledged depression 
 produced among young gentlemen and their mammas by 
 the recurrence of " Black Monday," her little heart were 
 not the saddest in the family. 
 
 These feelings were more than returned by the object 
 of them. During all his vacations Matilda was the 
 cherished companion of his walks, his sports, and, to a 
 certain extent, even of his studies ; while the more giddy 
 Frederic, an utter stranger to that melancholy pensiveness 
 which, from the fatal night so memorable in his history, 
 had never entirely faded from the countenance of his 
 friend, failed not constantly to rally him on account of 
 what he was in the habit of designating his "apron- 
 string propensities," which so often left himself without 
 the associate he would have preferred in his field-sports 
 and out-of-door amusements. 
 
 Time flew rapidly on. Lord Manningham's regiment 
 was ordered on foreign service ; and as the place of its 
 destination was one of those colonies the distance of which 
 from the mother country renders a frequent change of 
 troops expensive and unadvisable, the gallant soldier 
 made up his mind to bid a long adieu to his family and 
 friends. 
 
UY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 103 
 
 To this arrangement, however, his attached wife could 
 by no means be brought to consent. Though occupied by 
 the cares attending a young family, which, since For- 
 tescue's introduction to it, "had increased, and was 
 increasing," she hesitated not to declare her unalterable 
 resolution of accompanying her husband whithersoever 
 his duty might call him. Inwardly rejoicing at a deter- 
 mination which his heart sanctioned while his head disap- 
 proved, a but half-reluctant acquiescence was at length 
 wrung from the viscount by her entreaties, and the whole 
 family embarked together, including Frederic, for whom, 
 his father had now procured a commission in his own corps. 
 
 Unwilling to be separated from almost all the friends 
 he had ever known, Eustace earnestly entreated to be 
 allowed to accompany them on their voyage ; but this his 
 guardian positively refused, as well as his request to bo 
 permitted to enter the army at all, till time should decide 
 whether the wish which he now expressed to that effect 
 were indeed the offspring of a decided preference for a 
 military life, or a mere boyish fancy, hastily and incon- 
 siderately adopted, in the hope of still remaining among 
 the friends and companions of his youth. 
 
 Perhaps it might have been better for Fortescue had 
 his inclinations not been at this time thwarted. It is 
 true, that for some time after the departure of the Staf- 
 fords, he continued to apply himself to his studies with a 
 greater share of industry than was exhibited by nine- 
 tenths of his equals in age, and that he derived from his 
 ability and application much solid and useful information ; 
 but it is also true, that, in spite of what our " New 
 Lights " may aver, the fruits of the Tree of Knowledge are 
 not all of a wholesome description ; many bitter crabs 
 are to be found engrafted among its pippins ; and poor 
 Eustace Fortescue gathered but too many of a kind, to 
 minds of a temperament like his own, of all others, per- 
 haps, the most deleterious. 
 
 I have already alluded to the serious and even melan- 
 choly turn which his disposition had taken, while yet 
 he was a boy the natural effect of the catastrophe he 
 had witnessed, and so narrowly escaped. The tales of 
 
 o 
 
194 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 Edith, herself a mine of legendary lore, had not, even in 
 his childhood, tended to diminish his propensity to the 
 sombre and the marvellous ; Fetches and Banshees, the 
 warnings of good angels and the shrieking of bad ones, 
 " black spirits and white, blue spirits and gray," omens, 
 prognostications, and presentiments of death or desolation, 
 with all the mysterious machinery of an invisible world, 
 formed no slight portion of Edith's creed. The very act 
 which drove her and her foster-child from the paternal 
 hearth, had been as plainly predicted to her as death- 
 watches, dreams, and candle-snuffs could shadow it forth ; 
 nor can it be for one moment supposed, that all this valu- 
 able stock of information on supernatural subjects should 
 remain a secret from him, whom the very fact of her 
 having saved his life had contributed doubly to endear. 
 
 It is true that Lady Manningham, a woman of strong 
 natural sense and cultivated mind, did much to neutralize 
 this delicious poison, while added years did more. Edith, 
 too, the warmhearted and affectionate Edith, was called to 
 a world where her fidelity and numerous good qualities 
 would receive their reward before her foster-child had 
 doffed his jacket for that modern toga virilis, " the Long- 
 tailed Coat."* Early impressions, however, once made, 
 
 * The recognition of incipient manhood indicated by the donation 
 of this garment has ever been considered a most important and much 
 desiderated event by the ingenuous youth of Britain. It will not 
 perhaps be thought impertinent to the "whereabouts" of my Cousin 
 Nicholas if I venture to subjoin Miss Pyefinch's celebration of his 
 assumption of the symbol, as extracted from the album of that 
 votary of the Muses, to which I have before had occasion to allude. 
 It is entitled 
 
 NICK'S LONG-TAIL'D COAT. 
 
 Modo sumptft veste virili. HORACE. 
 
 Zooks ! I must woo the Muse to-day, 
 
 Though line before I'd never wrote ; 
 Ask you what theme demands the lay ? 
 
 OUR NICK HAS GOT A LONG-TAIL'D COAT ! ! 
 
 Not the coatee which soldiers wear, 
 Tight button'd up beneath the throat, 
 
 But easy, flowing, dcbonnair, 
 
 In short, a civil Long-tail'd Coat f 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 195 
 
 are not easily effaced ; visionary musings continued occa- 
 sionally to body forth to his mind's eye " the forms of 
 things unseen ;" nor even in after-days could Fortescue 
 ever entirely divest himself of certain undefinable feelings 
 respecting influences and intelligences above mere mor- 
 tality, and more nearly allied to superstition than to 
 experience. 
 
 Whether Eustace might not have eventually outgrown 
 this unlucky twist in his moral organization, as reason 
 and education came more fully into play, is a point diffi- 
 cult to be decided ; since, after the departure of his friend 
 Frederic Stafford, he formed an acquaintance, which soon 
 ripened into intimacy, with another of his old school- 
 fellows, a young man, whose turn of mind did much to 
 
 One smarter you'll not find in town, 
 
 Cut by Nugee, that snip of note, 
 A very quiet olive-brown 
 
 's the colour of Nick's Long-tail'd Coat ! 
 
 Gay jackets clothe the stately Pole, 
 The proud Hungarian, and the Croat, 
 
 Yet Esterhazy, on the whole, 
 
 Looks smartest in a Long-tail'd Coat. 
 
 Lord Byron most admired, we know, 
 
 The Albanian dress, or Sulliote ; 
 But he lived much abroad, and so 
 
 He never saw Nick's Long-tail'd Coat. 
 
 Or else that noble poet's theme 
 
 Had never been the "White Capote," 
 
 Had he once view'd, in Fancy's dream, 
 The glories of Nick's Long-tail'd Coat ! 
 
 We also know on Highland kilt 
 
 Poor dear Glengarry used to dcat, 
 And had esteem'd it actual guilt 
 
 I' the "Gael" to wear a Long-tail'd Coat. 
 
 And well it might his eyes annoy ; 
 
 Monkbarns himself could never quote 
 " Sir Eobert Sibbald," "Gordon," " Hoy," 
 
 Or "Stukely," for a Long-tail'd Coat ! 
 
 But though the fleet red-deer to chase, 
 Or guide o'er Highland lock the boat, 
 
 A jacket's well enough, for 
 
 There's nothing like Nick's Long-tail'd Coat ! 
 
106 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 resuscitate and encourage the half-extinguished errors of 
 his own. 
 
 Henry Lambert, the only son of a sectarian father, 
 was a few years older than Eustace. He had early imbibed 
 the wildest fancies of the enthusiastic Swedenborg, and 
 became deeply versed in all the half-crazy mysticism of 
 " the Baron's" followers. Dreams, visions, and all the 
 fantastic imagery of his own immaterial world, were, of 
 course, poured by wholesale into the ready ears of his 
 new friend. On a soil already so well prepared, such 
 seed could not fail of taking root, and bringing forth 
 fruit in rank and precocious abundance. Sympathy 
 became the connecting link between them, and together 
 they plunged into the most recondite penetralia of 
 
 Of course, in climbing up a tree, 
 
 On terra firma or afloat, 
 To mount the giddy topmast, he 
 
 Would doff awhile his Long-tail'd Coat. 
 
 Then whence that supercilious sneer ? 
 From out your own eye pull the mote, 
 
 Fastidious critic ! did you ne'er 
 
 In youth admire your Long-tail'd Coat ? 
 
 Oh, " Nick's scarce old enough," you mean ? 
 Why, though too young to have a vote 
 
 Or make a will, yet, sure, fifteen 
 's a ripe age for a Long-tail'd Coat ! 
 
 What ! would you have him sport a chin 
 
 Like Colonel Sibthorp or a goat, 
 Before you think he should begin 
 
 To figure in a Long-tail'd Coat ? 
 
 Suppose he visits France can he 
 
 Sit down at any table d'htite, 
 With any sort of decency, 
 
 Unless he's got a Long-tail'd Coat ? 
 
 E'en Louis Philippe, royal cit, 
 
 There soon may be a sans-culottc, 
 And surely all must then admit 
 
 The advantage of a Long-tail'd Coat. 
 
 Things are not now .as when, of yore, 
 
 In tower, encircled by a moat, 
 Each lion-hearted chieftain wore 
 
 A corselet not a Long-tail'd Coat. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 197 
 
 their great apostle, with an ardour increased by being 
 shared. 
 
 The better genius of Fortescue, who had so long slept 
 upon his post, at last seemed to awaken from his nap, but 
 shook not off his slumbers before great and, to a certain 
 extent, irreparable mischief had been done to his charge. 
 The friends were separated before the Rosicrucianism if 
 there be such a word of one of them, at least, was quite 
 complete. Lambert, whose singular opinions had begun 
 to manifest themselves in certain extravagances of manner 
 and conduct, was closeted one fine morning with his 
 tutor : a longer interview succeeded with the Provost of 
 the College on the following day ; and on the next, Henry 
 took his last farewell of Cambridge. 
 
 Chain mail his portly form embraced, 
 
 Not, like a weasel or a stoat, 
 "Cribb'd and confined" about the waist, 
 
 And pinch'd in as Nick's Long-tail'd Coat. 
 
 With beamy spear or biting axe 
 
 To right and left he thrust and smote ; 
 
 Ah ! what a change ! no sinewy thwacks 
 Fall from a modern Long-tail'd Coat ! 
 
 To stalwart knights, a puny race 
 
 Succeeds, with locks en papillate, 
 While cuirass, cuisses, greaves, give place 
 
 To silk-net "tights "and Long-tail'd Coat ! 
 
 Worse changes still ! now, well-a-day ! 
 
 A few cant phrases learn'd by rote 
 Each beardless booby spouts away, 
 
 A Solon in a Long-tail'd Coat, 
 
 Prates of the " March of Intellect," 
 
 The " Schoolmaster," a Patriote 
 So noble who could e'er suspect 
 
 Had just put on his Long-tail'd Coat ? 
 
 Alack ! alack ! that every thick- 
 
 -skull'd lad must find an antidote 
 For England's woes, because, like Nick, 
 
 He has put on a Long-tail'd Coat ! 
 
 But, lo ! my rhymes begin to fail, 
 
 Nor dare I longer time devote ! 
 Thus rhyme and time cut off the tale 
 
 The long talo of NICK'S LONG-TAIL'D COAT ! ! 
 
198 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 Eustace, thus deprived of the associate of his pursuits, 
 once more felt alone in the world ; he, too, had undergone 
 the ordeal of an inquiry, naturally suggested by his known 
 intimacy with Lambert ; but in him an understanding, 
 originally by no means feeble, had battled strongly with 
 its insidious enemy. Where the fatally perverted intel- 
 lect of his ally had rioted in full assurance, he had paused 
 in doubt, and even in dismay. The former gave eager and 
 unhesitating credence to every phantasm of the excited 
 brain, because he panted to know it real ; the latter shrank 
 from what he dreaded to find true in all the reluctant 
 wretchedness of half-conviction. 
 
 The result of Fortescue's examination was so far favour- 
 able, that his superior found little to blame, something to 
 pity, but enough to fix him in the opinion that an entire 
 change of scene and pursuits was in the highest degree 
 advisable for the health of the young philosophizer, men- 
 tal as well as corporeal. For the present, however, he 
 contented himself with writing his opinion to the guardian 
 of his pupil. 
 
 Some months elapsed, and at length the very day which 
 acquainted Eustace that his poor friend Lambert had 
 been consigned to the melancholy recesses of a lunatic 
 asylum, brought him also Lord Manningham's consent 
 that he should embrace a military life, should his former 
 inclination to the profession of arms continue unabated. 
 
 The loss of the only friend in whom he had been accus- 
 tomed to confide, the melancholy results which had 
 attended that friend's speculations, and above all the per- 
 ception that he had himself become an object of scarcely 
 concealed derision to those about him all induced the 
 youthful visionary eagerly to close with the proposal : all 
 had been prepared in anticipation of his resolve, and 
 a few weeks saw him gazetted to an ensigncy in his 
 Majesty's th regiment of infantry. 
 
 Thus, at the age of nineteen, did Eustace Fortescue 
 enter the world, a handsome stripling, with a fine person, 
 features, of which the melancholy expression did not 
 detract from their manly beauty, while it added, perhaps, 
 to the interest they inspired a feeling, generous, and 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 199 
 
 honourable heart, and an intellect powerful and unclouded 
 on every subject save one. 
 
 The kindness of his disposition, and his high sense of 
 honour, joined to his conciliating and gentlemanly man- 
 ners, soon won him golden opinions at the mess ; while 
 his aptitude and intelligence secured him the respect of 
 his superior officers, who saw with approbation the extent 
 of his acquirements, nor once dreamed of the unfortunate 
 monomanie which lay dormant in his mind, while nothing 
 occurred to draw it forth or expose it to observation. 
 
 Unwearied assiduity and a retentive memory soon 
 advanced the military neophyte far in the study, theore- 
 tical as well as practical, of his new profession. For 
 many of the high-spirited and ingenuous youths with 
 whom he was now thrown into contact, he conceived a 
 regard as sincere as reciprocal ; nor was it without some 
 feelings of regret that he at length received permission to 
 absent himself from his regiment, on being appointed 
 aide-de-camp to his noble guardian, now become a general 
 officer, and one whose talents, civil and military, had 
 pointed him out to the Government at home as the man, 
 of all others, peculiarly calculated for a high command in 
 a country where diplomacy was at least as requisite as 
 strategetics. 
 
 India, the theatre on which the powerful resources of 
 Lord Manningham's mind were now to be displayed, was 
 at this period in a very ticklish state. A formidable 
 combination among the native chiefs had long been more 
 than suspected : the nature and extent of the confederacy 
 was as yet but imperfectly understood ; enough, however, 
 was known to prove, that the prosperity, and even the very 
 existence, of our settlements in the East were menaced. 
 
 A cool head, a quick eye, and a vigorous arm, were 
 imperiously called for ; and Lord Manningham, who had 
 given such ample proofs of uniting in his own person the 
 various qualities of the statesman and the soldier, had 
 proceeded to the Carnatic. 
 
 When Fortescue, too, reached the banks of the Hoogley, 
 he found the family of his benefactor plunged in the deep- 
 est affliction. Frederic, his early friend and schoolfellow, 
 
200 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 thn idolized son of parents whom his (loath had rendored 
 inconsolable, was no more. A fever, contracted by im- 
 prudently bathing while his blood was in a high state of 
 fermentation, had carried him off almost before his danger 
 was suspect fd. 
 
 To his father the blow was indeed a severe one : on 
 this darling son he had been accustomed to look with 
 pride as well as with affection, anticipating in his person 
 the friend and support of his own declining years, as well 
 as the successor to his honours, and the protector of his 
 family. He had seen him grow up to man's estate, 
 volatile indeed, but generous, virtuous, and high-minded, 
 and, justly confident in the rectitude of his principles, 
 and the sterling qualities of his head and heart/ the father 
 contemplated with much less of regret or apprehension 
 the approach of that solemn hour when he should himself 
 be summoned to " go hence, and be no more seen !" 
 
 It was fortunate perhaps for Lord Manningham, that 
 the important affairs which at this time forced themselves 
 upon his attention, involving as they did the lives and 
 fortunes of thousands for which he was responsible, com- 
 pelled him to abstract himself from private griefs, and to 
 devote his undivided energies to the public welfare. 
 Occupation, the best medicine for the wounded heart, is 
 especially so when the welfare of others depends upon it ; 
 and by degrees its good effects became apparent. On the 
 parade or at the council-board but little alteration could 
 be detected by a common observer in the general or the 
 politician. His cheek, it is true, was somewhat paler, and 
 an added furrow might be seen upon his brow ; but his 
 eye had lost little of its fire, nor, except perhaps when 
 some youthful subaltern, high in health and buoyant in 
 spirit, came suddenly athwart his course, was its lustre 
 dimmed or his tongue perceived to falter. Duty, to 
 which the soldier's mind is disciplined, was beyond all 
 question, too, an able auxiliary in producing this effect ; 
 in the private recesses of his own home alone might be 
 detected the wandering glance which, passing from one to 
 other of his remaining children, seemed searching for a 
 face that was not there, till, resting at last upon the 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 201 
 
 vacant chair/' the sad dropping of the eyelid evinced, as 
 it were, a sudden and painful consciousness that the search 
 was vain. 
 
 On Lady Manningham the effect of Frederic's death 
 was not less severe, and far more visible ; " her beautiful, 
 her brave," was levelled with the dust, and she bowed 
 indeed beneath the stroke. Time, and the affectionate 
 caresses of her surviving offspring, at length succeeded in 
 restoring in some degree her accustomed tranquillity of 
 manner; but the irrevocable fiat had gone forth the 
 blow was struck ; and, though even years elapsed before 
 its full severity was manifested, the seeds of her eventual 
 dissolution but too' surely took their root on the prema- 
 ture grave of her boy. 
 
 The arrival of Fortescue was at first most painful to 
 both of the bereaved parents. The wound, as yet uncica- 
 trized, bled afresh at the sight of one by whom were 
 called forth so many reminiscences connected with him 
 who had been ; yet such, and so inexplicable is the human 
 heart, these very sensations soon acquired a new character, 
 in the words of the son of Fingal, " mournful, yet pleasing 
 to the soul." The well-known affection borne by their 
 lamented Frederic to his friend cemented still more 
 strongly those ties which bound him to the bereaved ; 
 while the younger branches of the family, with hearts 
 though truly sorrowing, yet naturally less deeply impressed 
 than those of their parents, received him at once with 
 unalloyed pleasure, and soon learned to consider him as a 
 substitute for the brother they had lost. 
 
 For much of this, Fortescue was unquestionably indebted 
 to his own kind, conciliating, and affectionate disposition, 
 for some of it, perhaps, to the evident attachment which 
 displayed itself in a thousand forms between him and his 
 early companion and avowed favourite, Matilda, now a 
 fine full-grown girl, rich in health, beauty, and accom- 
 plishments. Lord Manningham did not long remain blind 
 to an attachment which was so unequivocally displayed 
 on both sides, nor did he regard it with a disapproving 
 eye. 
 
 Of the head and heart of Fortescue, as I have before 
 
202 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 said, he entertained the highest opinion ; and although 
 the accounts from college, which originally induced him 
 to favour his entrance into the army, had represented 
 his young friend as likely to become a sufferer from an 
 overheated imagination, yet the very same report spoke 
 in the most gratifying terms of the correctness of his 
 moral conduct, the respectability of his talents, and the 
 amiableness of his disposition. 
 
 In his subsequent commerce with that epitome of the 
 world which is found in a marching regiment, his general 
 deportment had, as we have seen, been ever regulated 
 according to the nicest rules of the gentleman and the 
 soldier ; and if he had not, as yet, distinguished himself 
 in the field, or in the more active duties of the profession 
 he had adopted, it was manifest from his sentiments and 
 gallant bearing that this was only owing to his not 
 having as yet been called into his proper sphere of action, 
 nor would any one who knew him have hesitated to 
 assert that time and opportunity alone " were wanting to 
 his fame." 
 
 This opportunity was not long deferred : a partial 
 irruption of the disaffected tribes took place, prematurely 
 indeed for their success ; but certain precautionary move- 
 ments on the part of the government had apprised them 
 that their intentions were more than suspected, and, wily 
 as they were, an immediate outbreak seemed now pre- 
 ferable to the more doubtful advantages which under 
 other circumstances might have been obtained by a longer 
 delay. 
 
 In the course of the desultory but sanguinary struggle 
 which ensued, Fortescue did not belie the opinion formed 
 of him by his fellow- soldiers ; active, vigilant, patient, 
 and intrepid, he displayed in this his first campaign an 
 almost intuitive knowledge of tactics a coolness and an 
 energy which ranked him with the veteran ; nor, in the 
 fierce and final conflict which eventually broke the power 
 of the enemy, and forced him to sue for peace from the 
 depths of his native jungles, were his valour and conduct 
 less conspicuous. 
 
 A wound, inflicted on his sword-arm by the sabre of a 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 203 
 
 subaddab, who fell in tbe act, was jusfc of sufficient con- 
 sequence to call forth all the cares and attentions, with- 
 out exciting the alarms, of those who loved him. Need 
 it be said, that those of Matilda were the foremost that 
 her hand was ever ready to adjust the bandage, her arm 
 the one most eagerly tendered and accepted as a support ? 
 
 It was during the temporary secession from his duties, 
 occasioned by this accident, that the hearts, the senti- 
 ments, the very thoughts of the lovers became more 
 .thoroughly unveiled to each other. Reminiscences of 
 " auld langsyne," the occurrences of the days that were 
 gone, formed, as may well be imagined, no unfrequent 
 topics of discourse between two sensitive beings, once so 
 closely connected, then so long separated, and now again 
 so happily united the freaks, the studies, the pastimes 
 of their early years were a never-failing theme on which 
 to expatiate nor was Edith, with her legendary treasures, 
 forgotten. The frequent allusions to her fanciful creed 
 made by Matilda, on whose young and somewhat romantic 
 mind her marvellous tales had produced a deeper impres- 
 sion than she was herself aware of, once more aroused in 
 the bosom of her auditor thoughts and feelings which, 
 although the busy life he had of late led had rendered 
 them dormant, were anything but extinguished. 
 
 The visionary and the enthusiast becomes not less so 
 under the influence of love ; the nature of his reveries may 
 be changed by passion they may vacillate between gloom 
 and ecstasy ; but their power over the imagination is 
 even increased, and, if partaken by the object of his 
 affection, may be urged by sympathy to the very height 
 of excitement. 
 
 By degrees Matilda became the confidante of all the 
 day-dreams which had floated through the mind of 
 Eustace. 
 
 To one of her tender and affectionate turn there was a 
 something so congenial and endearing in the theory of a 
 communion of spirits, freed from the grosser and embar- 
 rassing clog of matter in the idea that, although bodies 
 might be divided, nought could interfere to prevent the 
 union of souls that it is scarcely to be wondered at if, 
 
204 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 listening with eagerness to the object of her young affec- 
 tions, she soon learned to imbibe the most extravagant 
 of his notions, and to believe, because she wished, them 
 real. 
 
 Screened from the intolerable heat of a vertical sun by 
 the intercepting verandah, or courting the coolness of the 
 evening breeze beneath their favourite tree, minutes, nay, 
 hours would fly by unheeded, and leave the pair, as they 
 found them, occupied like our first parents, so beautifully 
 described by the poet, in the discussion of mysteries too 
 recondite and abstruse for human intellect to penetrate. 
 
 "He, with his consorted Eve, 
 The story heard attentive, and was fill'd 
 With admiration and deep muse, to hear 
 Of things so high and strange ! " 
 
 The attachment of the disembodied spirit after death 
 to those it loved, ere it " had shuffled off its mortal coil," 
 its presence, and capabilities of watching over their 
 welfare, and holding a communion with them at once 
 intimate and mysterious, was a favourite contemplation 
 of Fortescue, and one of his most cherished ideas. He 
 exulted in a persuasion which seemed to place his love 
 beyond the reach of accident, and to render it indissoluble 
 even by death itself. 
 
 It were difficult, perhaps impossible, accurately to trace 
 this feeling to its source, or follow it, through every con- 
 necting link of the chain, to its termination in full con- 
 viction. Those cooler heads who have threaded the 
 labyrinths of the absurd and incongruous, yet sometimes 
 sublime speculations of the philosophical visionary whose 
 lucubrations had bewildered him they, and they alone, 
 will easily conceive how powerful the spell must be upon 
 a kindred mind on which they have once succeeded in 
 making an impression. 
 
 It is an inseparable property of Fanaticism to be ever 
 in extremes, and Love, even when it has to do with 
 stronger minds than that of the gentle and confiding 
 Matilda Stafford, is but too ready to see with the 1 
 and hear with the ears, of the one object which is c 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 205 
 
 tiling to it, and to which it is everything. Perhaps, too, 
 some sad presentiment, as the glance of her lover would 
 fondly rest upon the elegant but fragile form before him, 
 might half induce a nameless dread lest that form 
 might be too fragile too nearly allied to another world 
 to promise a long continuance in this ; while, on the other 
 side, the recollection of her brother, so lately rejoicing 
 in youth, and health, and spirits, now flourishing in all 
 the lusty prime of manhood, and then at once stricken to 
 the earth a withered, blighted thing ! might have its 
 full share in fostering the predispositions of Matilda, and 
 in causing her to cling more tenaciously to a belief, preg- 
 nant, as she would imagine, with security to views, the 
 realization of which would prove a safeguard against 
 separation, and assuage, if not absolutely vanquish, the 
 terrors and regrets attendant upon that hour when all 
 that gives motion to the active, or elevation to the 
 eminent all that sparkles in the eye of earthly hope, or 
 pants in the bosom of earthly affection, at once becomes 
 dust in the balance, without weight and without regard. 
 
 Meanwhile, their union, contemplated as it was with 
 approbation by both the parents of Miss Stafford, met 
 with repeated checks and obstructions, not more annoying 
 in themselves to the lovers by the delay which they occa- 
 sioned to their happiness, than lamentable from the cir- 
 cumstances which produced them. These were the events 
 already alluded to in the early part of these memoirs. 
 
 For several years might Lord Manningham's house 
 indeed be called " The House of Mourning." The perni- 
 cious effects of the climate upon European constitutions 
 became but too sadly manifested. One by one his chil- 
 dren sickened, faded, and were no more. No less than 
 five of them were borne in succession to the tomb, and 
 that at intervals so brief, that hardly had one been depo- 
 sited in the " place appointed unto all living," ere another 
 exhibited tokens, but too fatally verified by the event, 
 that its doors would soon again be opened to receive a 
 kindred victim. 
 
 It is not to be concluded that, during the whole of this 
 season of affliction, Fortescuo was constantly present at 
 
206 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 head-quarters : his military duties, on the contrary, and 
 the confidence reposed in him by his chief, had repeatedly 
 occasioned a temporary absence, and drawn him on various 
 occasions up the country. 
 
 These absences, however, if they could not increase, 
 certainly had no tendency to weaken his affection or his 
 sympathy. A correspondence of the most tender kind 
 was kept up, when practicable, between him and his fair 
 mistress ; and when distance or other circumstances were 
 unfavourable to the transmission of those gentle missives 
 which 
 
 " Waft a sigh from Indus to the pole," 
 
 the lover's old alternative and C07ifidante } the moon, inter- 
 posed her good offices as no inefficient substitute. To 
 gaze, at an appointed hour, upon her disk to cherish the 
 thought that the beloved one, though afar, was at the 
 same instant engaged in a similar contemplation was 
 the resource, and speeded that soft intercourse of spirit 
 they flattered and had almost succeeded in persuading 
 themselves that they had established, despite the obstacles 
 interposed by corporeal trammels. 
 
 During one of these expeditions Eustace had been 
 taken seriously ill : his youth, however, and a good con- 
 stitution had triumphed, after a short but severe struggle, 
 and released him, for the present at least, from the per- 
 formance of his share of a voluntary and mutual obliga- 
 tion, entered into at this period of their attachment, 
 which pledged the one first departing to the " land of 
 souls" to manifest him or herself visibly to the survivor, 
 if so it might be ; and thus to evidence that death itself 
 had failed to rend the ties which bound them to 
 other. 
 
 His return, weak and enfeebled as he was, to the 
 Government House was, I need scarcely say, an event 
 hailed with joy by all parties, but especially by Matilda, 
 to whom he failed not to impart all that he had su* 
 both in mind and body, as well as the consolation that 
 had been afforded him in moments which he had then 
 believed to be his last, by the thought that, though 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 207 
 
 expiring far from her and all lie loved, his enfranchised 
 spirit might yet be permitted to return, to hover over 
 and to prove her guardian and protecting angel. 
 
 The tears of Matilda, as she hung in fondness on his 
 arm, flowed freely, the rather, perhaps, as she anticipated 
 but too truly another separation at no distant period. 
 
 Hordes of those restless and predatory tribes, whom 
 the courage and conduct of the lord governor had once 
 before so effectually repressed, were again in arms. The 
 most formidable accounts of their numbers, and of the 
 ravages they were committing, arrived daily at the 
 Residence. All attempts at negotiation (and such indeed 
 were resorted to, rather that the appeal to arms might be 
 plainly the result of necessity, not choice, on the part of 
 the British Government) entirely failed, and the veteran 
 Manningham once again prepared to take the field. 
 
 Fortescue, by this time appointed to a majority, was of 
 course destined to take a prominent part in the expedi- 
 tion. His mind, perhaps yet acted upon by the memory 
 of his recent escape, was filled with gloomy forebodings : 
 something of this he could not succeed in concealing 
 during his parting interview with Matilda, which was in 
 consequence a more than usually tender one ; and a solemn 
 renewal of the contract already mentioned was made at 
 his express and earnest entreaty. The fond girl caught 
 the infection of alarm from him ; and heavily indeed did 
 anxiety preponderate over hope in her bosom when the 
 hour of separation at length arrived, and she saw her 
 Eustace riding at the head of his column, and bound 
 for the almost impervious forests and terrific ghauts of 
 Nipal. 
 
 It is by no means my intention to follow him through 
 his campaign, nor to relate "the moving accidents by 
 flood and field " which he was destined to encounter and 
 surmount. The events of the Pindarree war belong to 
 history. It is sufficient for my purpose to state that, 
 on its successful termination, Eustace, as if to belie his 
 presentiment, returned, with unimpaired health and an 
 increased reputation, to lay his newly-gathered laurels at, 
 tin- feet of his beloved. Ho found her as beautiful, its 
 
208 HY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 fond as ever ; nor did his entreaties, that now at length 
 his long and tried attachment might meet its dearest 
 reward, experience any farther repulse, either on her part 
 or on that of her parents. 
 
 Lord Manningham, indeed, in whose favour Fortescue 
 had, if possible, continued to rise, did not affect to conceal 
 his pleasure in consenting to the immediate union of the 
 lovers ; and the nuptial-day was fixed. The very evening 
 before the morn that was to crown his fondest hopes had 
 arrived ; and Fortescue, after several hours passed in the 
 society of her who was so soon to be indissolubly united 
 to him, had returned, for the last time, to his quarters, it 
 having been arranged that, for the present at least, the 
 young couple should take up their residence in the Govern- 
 ment House. 
 
 The expectant bridegroom had retired for the night, 
 and was in the act of throwing himself upon his couch, 
 to obtain if anticipated happiness would allow it him 
 a short repose, when, as he ever after averred, a single 
 shriek shrill and piercing as horror and agony could 
 utter rang in his ear. 
 
 He sprang in disorder from the bed : he could not be 
 mistaken the tones of that voice were too firmly fixed in 
 his memory not to be recognized, even though strained to 
 an unnatural pitch by pain or affright. It was Matilda's 
 cry he heard ; and, as the conviction struck upon his 
 heart, the sound of his own name, uttered as with diffi- 
 culty, seemed, to his startled fancy, to float upon the 
 night-breeze. 
 
 It was an appeal for succour for protection ; and with 
 a bosom throbbing with anxious and undefined apprehen- 
 sion of he knew not what, a few seconds saw him retracing 
 his steps to the Residence, with all the speed which the 
 utmost energies of his agile frame could command. 
 
 Swift is the pace of him who thinks the beloved of his 
 heart in danger, and few were the minutes which sufficed 
 to transport Fortescue again to the habitation which 
 enshrined her ; yet, ere he reached the portal, a sound of 
 hurry and confusion from the house, and lights soon 
 rapidly traversing the interior, increased his forebodings 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 209 
 
 to almost the certainty of misfortune : nor were his 
 anticipations deceived. 
 
 Forcing his way through the alarmed domestics, in 
 whose countenances grief and consternation were too 
 plainly visible, Eustace rushed towards the apartments of 
 Matilda. They were already occupied by a group, the 
 expression of whose countenances would have defied the 
 efforts of the painter. 
 
 On one side lay Lady Manningham, pale and senseless, 
 in the arms of two of her female attendants ; at the 
 foot of the bed stood her husband, apparently unconscious 
 of her situation, and with every faculty absorbed in con- 
 templating his darling daughter, on whose pallid features 
 Death had already set his seal. The household physician, 
 and another medical officer attached to the forces, were 
 vainly employed in endeavouring to restore animation 
 to the pale frame before them, while their countenances 
 sufficiently demonstrated the hopelessness of the attempt. 
 
 2STot far from the couch of death, and gazed at with 
 undisguised horror by the attendants, as they hurried 
 to and fro, lay an object which too fatally explained the 
 scene, one of the mdst venomous of the serpent tribe 
 that curse the arid shores of Hindostan, one whose poison 
 is scarcely more deadly than instantaneous in its effects. 
 
 A single glance at the crushed reptile, and the sight of 
 his unfortunate mistress, revealed the whole maddening 
 truth to the miserable Fortescue. 
 
 He threw himself in unrestrained agony by the side of 
 her whom he had so lately left high in hope and glowing 
 with affection, of her whose parting spirit had, as he 
 verily believed, called on him for aid in those more than 
 mortal accents which yet vibrated on his ear. 
 
 The shock was, under all the circumstances, too severe 
 for human endurance ; and, after a burst of irrepressible 
 agony, he was borne from the apartment, insensible alike 
 to the misery of those around him and to his own. 
 
210 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 Come, let us dance and sing, 
 While all Barbadoes' bells shall ring ; 
 Love strikes the fiddle-string, 
 And Venus plays the lute ! 
 Hymen gay 
 Struts away, 
 
 Happy at the wedding-day ; 
 Cocks his chin, 
 And figures in, 
 To tabor, fife, and flute ! 
 
 COLMAN. 
 
 MORE OF "DEATH'S DOINGS." FOR ENGLAND HO ! BILLS. ORDERED 
 'TO LIE ON THE TABLE. A RACE. A CHASE. A "LARK." A TORY 
 OUTRAGE, AND A LIBERAL ACCOUNT OF IT. WEDDING FESTIVITIES. 
 WHERE'S THE PARSON? 
 
 IT were needless to dwell on the melancholy blank in 
 Fortescue's existence which succeeded the annihilation of 
 his fondest hopes, nor shall I detain my readers by ex- 
 patiating on the feelings of Lord and Lady Manningham 
 on so overwhelming a calamity. It is my Cousin Nicholas, 
 whose " whereabouts " I have charged myself with the 
 task of recording ; nor dare I suffer any minor considera- 
 tion to interfere longer with the concerns of that interest- 
 ing individual. Indeed, but that the impression produced 
 on Fortescue by the incidents already related eventually 
 exercised a material influence on his fortunes, as well 
 as on my own, I should scarcely have ventured on so 
 formidable a digression from the highway of my history. 
 
 It will only be necessary, therefore, to state that the 
 bereaved mother never recovered the shock inflicted on 
 her. Her enfeebled frame sank wholly beneath the 
 repetition of blows which had long since prostrated its 
 best energies ; and, after a few short months of hopeless 
 lingering, she followed her beloved children gently and 
 unrepiningly to the tomb, bequeathing the young Amelia 
 
MY COUSIK NICHOLAS. 211 
 
 to the concentrated affection of him who was now her 
 only parent. 
 
 In this affection towards the blooming girl Fortescue 
 soon became a sharer ; and often, as he turned from 
 gazing on her animated features, his upraised eye and 
 quivering lip would seem to intimate that he was even 
 then holding high and mysterious converse with some 
 unseen being, of which the fairy form beside him was the 
 subject. 
 
 Certain it is that from this period the fondness of 
 Lord Manningham himself for this " sole daughter of his 
 hfiuse and heart " could hardly be said to exceed his own ; 
 nor could a father watch more tenderly over the welfare 
 of the most beloved child. Every word and action 
 announced that Fortescue considered himself bound by 
 some sacred obligation to be her guardian and protector 
 against every mischance ; and as she advanced towards 
 womanhood, this self-imposed task was only the more 
 strongly manifested. From the broken expressions and 
 half-uttered sentences which occasionally escaped him, a 
 doubt would, it is true, sometimes arise in the minds of 
 those who witnessed them, whether the task were indeed 
 self-imposed ; and more than one of the female part of 
 the establishment especially had listened awe-struck to 
 the insinuations of the wonder-loving valet, Mr. Pipeclay, 
 as he more than hinted that, at the dead hour of night, 
 he had often heard " his master the major argufying with 
 a "ghost about miss." 
 
 That he entertained towards her the warmest affection 
 none could doubt ; as little could the nature of that 
 affection be questioned. Love, at least the paisson 
 usually known by that name, in him was manifestly 
 dead. No his was the fervent but pure and hallowed 
 attachment of an elder brother. Her father saw and 
 hailed its progress with the greatest satisfaction, without 
 being for one moment blind to its quality or origin ; 
 and, when affairs of importance connected with his official 
 duties induced him to cause Eustace to precede him to 
 Europe, nothing gave him greter satisfaction than the 
 conviction which their parting hour afforded, that, happen 
 p 2 
 
212 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 what might to himself, his daughter would still possess 
 :m affectionate and disinterested protector. 
 
 On Lord Manningham's return to England with Amelia, 
 Fortescue was in the north, having been induced to ac- 
 company a brother officer into Cumberland ; nor did the 
 friends again encounter each other till the moment when 
 Eustace had the happiness of placing in his noble patron's 
 arms the daughter whom he had so opportunely rescued 
 from the particularly impudent abduction of my Cousin 
 Nicholas. 
 
 I have said, that of this " tenth transmitter " of the 
 Bullwinkle physiognomy no recent accounts had bedh 
 received. That he was yet in rerum naturd, however, 
 was to be inferred from certain interesting memoranda^ 
 which occasionally reached Sir Oliver in the shape of 
 sundry paper parallelograms, adorned with goodly columns 
 of arithmetical ciphers, and surmounted by " the Roman 
 initials of pounds, shillings, and pence." 
 
 To all these applications, and they came " thick as 
 leaves in Valambrosa," did Sir Oliver put in a demurrer. 
 " Nick had a handsome allowance, and if he exceeded it, 
 he might take the consequences." 
 
 Many of the items, too, excited the good baronet's 
 surprise, no less than his indignation. Of the effeminacy 
 of the race of dandies he had heard something : but that 
 they should have arrived at the Sybaritism of wearing 
 " satin shoes," and " pearl ear-rings," astounded, while it 
 disgusted him; yet many of the invoices of goods sold 
 and delivered, which had been sent in on account of 
 " N. Bullwinkle, Esq.," comprised articles of a similar 
 description ; while long bills for " lace " seemed to inti- 
 mate that, in the revolutions of fashion, the Mechlin 
 cravats and ruffles of the first Georges were again become 
 the prevailing mode. 
 
 " A Chinchilli muff, with boa to match," was absolutely 
 abominable. Sir Oliver had, indeed, seen something like 
 the latter encompassing the throat of a guardsman off 
 duty, during his late sojourn in the metropolis ; some of 
 the household troops, too, had, as he remembered, borne 
 an article not unlike the former on their heads at the 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 213 
 
 last review ; but, then, " Nick was not in the Blues, and 
 why the d 1 should he want to stick his head in a 
 muff?" He could have no pretensions to a uniform, 
 while every notion of propriety was outraged by the sup- 
 position, that any man would introduce such an innova- 
 tion into his ordinary costume. 
 
 But it mattered little ; " if Nick chose to make a 
 jackass and a monkey of himself, he might," but not one 
 penny would he, Sir Oliver, contribute towards such a 
 degradation of the natural dignity of man. A large pro- 
 portion of the bills were, in consequence, returned, with 
 an intimation to the above effect, anything but agreeable* 
 to his numerous correspondents. 
 
 As Sir Oliver made no secret of these protocols, or of 
 the extent of Mr. Bull winkle's pecuniary engagements, 
 some of which were of considerable standing, a new light 
 broke in upon me. That a gentleman, whose menus 
 plaisirs required such ample supplies, should find four 
 hundred a year, paid quarterly, insufficient for his occa- 
 sions was to be expected ; and although experience had 
 taught me that he would readily borrow of any friend 
 who would lend to him, yet such resources were clearly 
 too limited, and too precarious, to form a very material 
 item in his budget for the current year. The mystery 
 of Mr. Arbuthnot, then, and his Hebrew correspondent, 
 seemed to receive a ready solution. Again did I task 
 my memory to recall everything that had passed on that 
 very unsatisfactory morning, when our united researches 
 after my fair incognita had terminated in nothing but 
 fatigue and disappointment. That Nicholas must have 
 seized some opportunity, on that very day, to purloin my 
 letter, I had before felt satisfied ; and now entertained 
 little doubt that he had availed himself of the moment 
 when I was discharging our bill at the coffee-house, to 
 put in practice one of those clever pieces of legerdemain 
 on which he piqued himself. 
 
 That the Jew money-lender's letter was then sub- 
 stituted by him for my mother's I became convinced, as 
 well as that the needy gentleman, on whose attempt to 
 raise cash by " do post obit " it put so decided a negative, 
 
214 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 was either Nicholas himself, or some accommodating asso- 
 ciate of his in the noble art and mystery of " kite-flying." 
 
 In the absence of all positive information on the subject 
 of his present place of sojourn for the address at Frump 
 Paddock I looked upon as clearly apocryphal one cir- 
 cumstance still induced me to believe that he was, in 
 fact, at no great distance from the alleged locality of that 
 retreat of all the domestic virtues. . 
 
 A morning paper of high Tory principles had copied 
 from the Sussex Conservative a formidable paragraph, to 
 which, by way of " gracing its tale with decent horror," 
 it had prefixed the words, " Atrocious outrage, and hor- 
 rible violation of the sanctuaries of the dead." 
 
 The account which followed was dated from Brighton, 
 and stated, in substance, that in the dusk of the preceding 
 evening, a truculent-looking ruffian had been detected in 
 the very act of carrying on his disgusting trade of a 
 resurrectionist, in the very churchyard of that marine 
 metropolis : that being hotly pursued, he had excited 
 the greatest alarm and consternation among the elegant 
 promenaders of the Steyne, by running the whole length 
 of that fashionable lounge, with the dead body of a child 
 under his arm, the bare sight of whose projecting legs 
 had, inter alia inaxime deflenda, frightened the Honour- 
 able Mrs. Faddle into fits, and would, it was to be feared, 
 from her " interesting situation," effect a change in the 
 succession to the earldom of Fiddlofumkin. It was grati- 
 fying, however, " to be able to assure their readers " that 
 " the monster " was eventually secured by the " intrepidity 
 of Mrs. Martha Gun," and conveyed, with the corpus 
 delicti upon him, to the nearest justice of the peace. On 
 his examination before the magistrate, he was fully iden- 
 tified as a distinguished Radical reformer, and a leading 
 member of Lodge No. 275 of the Grand National Con- 
 solidated Trades' Union. 
 
 The " article " concluded with an animated apostrophe 
 on the increasing depravity and licentiousness of the lower 
 orders. 
 
 A "Liberal" journal, of the same date, gave a different 
 version of the same story, extracted from the BrigMhelni- 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 215 
 
 stone Independent, and headed in what are technically 
 called " small caps " THE TORIES AGAIN ! ! INFAMOUS 
 
 ATTACK ON THE RIGHTS OF THE PUBLIC ! ! ! 
 
 One of " those hereditary nuisances," who so arrogantly 
 " tyrannize over the people," had, according to this liberal 
 statement, committed a daring and felonious robbery upon 
 an eminent dealer in all kinds of spirituous liquors. 
 
 This " Gentleman, for so he called himself, and boasted 
 that he belonged to a noble (! !) family," in his sheer, 
 wanton, "aristocratical love of oppressing the useful classes," 
 had snatched up, and run away with, a bran new Jolly 
 Bacchus, just come home from the painter's, and about to 
 be placed astride upon a barrel over the door of Mr. Juni- 
 per's emporium. 
 
 The " world was challenged " to " ransack the annals " 
 of Nero and Nadir Schah for a parallel to the " heartless 
 and insolent barbarity " of thus wresting from an " honest 
 operative " the emblem of his calling, and " opposing the 
 march of intellect," by depriving " the people " of " a guide 
 to useful knowledge," which taught them where to apply 
 for consolation " under the miseries inflicted on them by 
 peers and parsons." 
 
 " Dukes and princes, as they styled themselves," were, 
 it was added, always committing '' outrages on the people," 
 by their " larks ;" and " it was notorious," that, when tha 
 " h 1-born minister, Pitt," was in office, a lantern had been 
 tied to an old woman's tail in Pall Mall by the hands 
 of royalty itself ; but " the people " would " no longer be 
 trampled upon," " the time was come," &c. &c. &c. 
 
 It was " much to be lamented " that " several opera- 
 tives," occupied at the moment in partaking of certain 
 choice compounds, had suffered severely from the break- 
 ing of a large case-bottle of oil of vitriol, which happened 
 to be in the shop, and was overturned in the first rush 
 after the fugitive, who, bolting across the Steyne, with his 
 prize under his arm, would doubtless have escaped with it 
 altogether, had he not by the greatest good fortune run 
 against a lady who was crying mackerel, knocked IKT 
 down, and rolled over her into the channel. 
 
 The examination, it was added, was strictly private, 
 
216 MY COUSIN KICHOLAS. 
 
 and the delinquent had " received permission to speak to 
 the prosecutor;" but the editor "had authority to state," 
 that all attempts at compromise would have been indig- 
 nantly rejected by the truly patriotic Mr. Juniper, but 
 that he was induced to relinquish farther proceedings by 
 the reflection that, as the painter's bill had not been paid, 
 he could not conscientiously swear the image of the son of 
 Semele to be his own property ; the culprit, therefore, was 
 of course " discharged with an admonition." 
 
 " We should ill perform our duty to the public," said the 
 Brighthelmstone Independent, " were we to refrain from 
 publishing the name of the delinquent ; and this we should 
 undoubtedly do, had it not unluckily escaped our reporter's 
 memory ; we have reason, however, to believe, that he was 
 identified as the heir to a baronetcy." 
 
 The whole was wound up en regie by an elaborate 
 eulogium on the virtues of " producers," and an expose of 
 the practical inconvenience of having such things as a 
 House of Peers and a Bench of Bishops, without whose 
 corrupt influence none of these " larks " would be entered 
 into. 
 
 That Nicholas was the hero of this absurd adventure I 
 considered very far from improbable. 
 
 From boyhood he had been a great collector of emble- 
 matic rarities ; wooden hats, golden boots, the lion gules 
 of the publican, and the azure globe of the pawnbroker, 
 the solitary barber's pole that graced the village of Under- 
 down, and every commercial device that the neighbouring 
 town could supply, had early constituted the most 
 cherished ornaments of his private apartment. 
 
 In this his museum, the Highlander of the tobacconist 
 extended his mull courteously towards the black doll of 
 the dealer in marine stores, and the gigantic spectacles of 
 the optician seemed to gaze undismayed at the goldbeater's 
 uplifted mallet. Knockers, scrapers, shutter-pens, and 
 pump-handles, lay scattered around in elegant and 
 unstudied variety. 
 
 Nor were the finer arts neglected ; a portrait of Admiral 
 Lord Rodney, done in oil, and in excellent preservation, 
 needed not its subjoined legend of " Good entertainment 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 217 
 
 for man and horse," to prove that Nicholas's taste in 
 painting had withdrawn it from a more elevated situa- 
 tion ; while a Galen's head, umquhile the property of 
 " Pig-tail Drench," and gorgeous as gold-leaf could make 
 it, evinced that lie was equally alive to the charms of 
 sculpture. 
 
 That to these treasures of the moderns he should wish 
 to add some specimens of a more ancient school, was to 
 be expected from one of my cousin's classical mind. The 
 convivial deity of heathen mythology would harmonize 
 admirably with a magnificent bunch of golden grapes 
 which already depended temptingly from his ceiling, and 
 of all " the gods of the Greeks " Lyceus was the one for 
 whom he professed and felt the greatest veneration. 
 Hence, as I was persuaded, the attack upon the unpaid- 
 for property of the conscientious Joseph Juniper ; and I 
 looked forward with confidence to the time when, " flushed 
 with a purple grace," the jolly god would yet " show his 
 honest face " in one of the back attics of Underdo wn Hall. 
 
 Meanwhile my own affairs went on smoothly and hap- 
 pily as heart could wish. My health was now perfectly 
 re-established, and no obstacle existed to the completion 
 of my wishes save what might arise from the u law's delay" 
 in the due preparation of settlements, with all those pro- 
 visoes respecting pin-money and alimony, which, in what is 
 termed high life, usually accompany matrimony, and which, 
 in the joining two persons together for life, contemplate 
 the extreme probability of their separating for ever. 
 
 Lord Manningham affected no unnecessary secrecy on 
 this occasion, nor was Uncle Oliver the man to hide his 
 candle under a bushel : various paragraphs, therefore, 
 soon found their way into different journals from the 
 tradespeople employed on the wedding paraphernalia. 
 The trousseau of the bride, the equipage of the bride- 
 groom, " the names of the horses and colours of the 
 riders," were duly announced with all the pomp and cir- 
 cumstance usual on these occasions, and with a minute- 
 ness of detail as laudably accurate as that which lint I 
 heretofore blazoned forth the Ollapod livery "tastefully 
 turned up with a rhubarb-coloured lapelle." 
 
218 31 Y COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 At length, after a proper proportion of these pilot- 
 balloons had sufficiently informed the expectant public 
 which way the wind was blowing, the Morning Post put 
 forth the following clincher. 
 
 " H. M. S. the Superb, 74, Hon. Captain Loblolly, has 
 
 been ordered round to , where she will take on board 
 
 the Right Reverend the new Bishop of Bengal. His lord- 
 ship was consecrated on Sunday, the 4th instant, in the 
 chapel appertaining to the Archiepiscopal Palace at Lam- 
 beth, and is about to embark forthwith, with his amiable 
 family, for the important diocese over which he has been 
 called upon to preside. 
 
 " On his way to the coast, his lordship will visit Under- 
 down Hall, the seat of Sir Oliver Bullwinkle, Bart., for 
 the express purpose of solemnizing the marriage ceremony 
 between Charles Stafford, Esq., nephew to the hospitable 
 proprietor of the mansion, and his cousin, the Hon. 
 Amelia Stafford, the beautiful and accomplished heiress 
 of Lord Viscount Manningham, K.B., late Governor- 
 General, &c. &c. <fec. 
 
 " Immediately after the ceremony, the Right Reverend 
 Prelate will proceed to the place of embarkation, while 
 the happy couple will set out for Belvoir Abbey, on the 
 banks of the Wye, the splendid domain recently pur- 
 chased by the noble nabob, from the heirs of the late 
 Lord Cumber ville." 
 
 Three days subsequently, a Sunday paper, piquing itself, 
 and justly, on the priority of its intelligence, and the 
 accuracy of its details, had a paragraph differing slightly 
 from the former. 
 
 " The new Bishop of Bengal is, we are credibly informed, 
 about to proceed to his diocese in the West Indies, where 
 his lordship has long been most anxiously expected, 
 though we have good reason to believe that few persons 
 till lately have been aware of his appointment. 
 
 " His lordship will embark in the Skeleton hired trans- 
 port, Captain Coffin commander ; and here wo cannot 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 219 
 
 help calling the attention of the public to the disgraceful 
 parsimony of Ministers in not placing a government vessel 
 at the Eight Reverend Prelate's disposal ; though, as pro- 
 fuse expenditure can never be justified, they are quite 
 right after all in refusing to add to the burthens of the 
 country for the convenience of a bloated hierarchy un- 
 less indeed there should be good reason for the contrary, 
 which we are inclined to think may possibly be the case. 
 
 " His lordship has been for some time on a visit at 
 Bullwinkle Place, the residence of Oliver Underdown, 
 Esq., whose elegant and accomplished daughter is about 
 to bestow her hand and immense fortune, including the 
 line estate of Thingumbob Hall, bequeathed to her by her 
 uncle the late Lord Thingumdiddle, upon Viscount Man- 
 ningham. Gunter has exhausted all his taste in the com- 
 position of the bridecake, which the bishop probably took 
 down with him in his carriage ; unless, indeed, as we 
 have been assured is the case, his lordship on this occasion 
 travelled down on horseback, followed by a single groom." 
 
 The former announcement of the two, if less particular, 
 was in substance the most correct. The bishop was an. 
 old and valued friend of Lord Manningham, whose interest 
 indeed had mainly contributed to his appointment ; and 
 as the state of my mother's health presented an impedi- 
 ment to her sanctioning our union with her presence in 
 the metropolis, it had been determined that the ceremony 
 should take place in the parish church of Underdown, the 
 good prelate consenting, not without some personal incon- 
 venience to himself, to deviate a few miles from his direct 
 route to the coast, for the satisfaction of bestowing the 
 nuptial benediction upon his patron's daughter. 
 
 The 10th of the month was the anniversary of my 
 mother's birth, and this day, which had been fixed upon, 
 at her request, to unite Amelia and myself, despite Time's 
 ambling progress, at length arrived. 
 
 The sun rose fair and brilliant ; and if all nature did 
 not absolutely " wear one universal grin" on the occasion, 
 neither had wo to accuse her of being a niggard of her 
 smiles. 
 
220 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 Sir Oliver was early in the field, ordering, superintend- 
 ing, and confusing everything and everybody. Miss Pye- 
 finch was not idle ; a handsome dejeuner a la fourchette 
 was spread under her delegated auspices, and loaded the 
 long table in the Cedar parlour, flanking which, stood her 
 brother in full uniform ; a suit of regimentals that had 
 long since fallen into desuetude, and which, from their 
 cut, might have belonged to my Lord Ligonier, having 
 been drawn forth from the very inmost recesses of the 
 gallant officer's wardrobe for the purpose of doing honour 
 to the day. 
 
 Four fine blood horses, with a white favour at each ear, 
 were champing their bits in the stable, impatient of delay, 
 and eager for the moment when they should have the 
 honour of whirling the bride and bridegroom over hill and 
 dale ; the " handsome travelling barouche," so glowingly 
 described in Messrs. Honey man's advertising paragraphs 
 for the last fortnight, stood ready loaded, with imperial 
 fixed, and all the baggage, save the lady's maid and her 
 bandboxes, properly adjusted. " The church was decked 
 at morning tide ;" the sconces were well supplied with 
 miniature bouquets, and the pews with expectant rustics, 
 all curious to witness the " grand wedding." Within the 
 belfry sat eight or ten " college youths," whose " united 
 ages" amounted to heaven knows how many centuries, 
 all eager to ring out heaven, knows how many " triple- 
 bob-majors;" while in front of the old ivied porch were 
 ranged in two goodly rows, a pleasing sample of the 
 village Ophelias, each with her basket of moral-bearing 
 flowerets, blushing, giggling, and wondering " what could 
 possibly make the gentlefolks so late ;" everybody in 
 short was in a bustle, for everything had long been 
 ready, but an awful but on such an emergency the 
 clergyman ! 
 
 It is recorded of an eminent practitioner of the art of 
 abstraction, that when on his way to that fatal tree, 
 where, as Mat Prior tells us, 
 
 "The Squire of the Pad and the Knight of the Tost 
 Find their pains 110 more baulk'd, and their aims no 
 more cross'd," 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 221 
 
 lie addressed the crowd, which was running up Holborn 
 Hill beside him, with all that politesse which distinguished 
 the golden age of thievery, an age when the coarse expres- 
 sion that so disgusted Juan, 
 
 "D n your eyes, your money or your life !" 
 
 never disgraced the lips of a highwayman of any mark or 
 likelihood ; and when the Macleans and Duvals, whose 
 loss posterity has so much reason to lament, would rather 
 have left a man's brains unscattered, than have blown 
 them out in a rude and indelicate manner " Gentlemen," 
 said the professor alluded to, " pray do not hurry, you 
 will heat yourselves, and that most unnecessarily ; on my 
 honour, there will be no fun till I come /" Alack, that the 
 good Bishop of Bengal did not despatch some monitory 
 messenger fraught with a similar hint ! What hurryings 
 and scamperings, what wonderings and toilings, and 
 turmoilings, would not such a trifling attention on his 
 part have prevented ! So at least thought Sir Oliver. 
 
 As the special license with which I was duly armed, 
 did away with the necessity of attending to hours strictly 
 canonical, one o'clock had been the time fixed upon for 
 the ceremony, our Right Reverend friend having promised 
 to be with us before noon. But 
 
 "The bell of the castle toll'd One," 
 
 and the wheels of his chariot still tarried ; the groom 
 stationed, by way of outpost, at the head of the avenue, 
 to telegraph his lordship's appearance in the offing, still 
 gazed and "made no sign;" jellies and cold chicken 
 stood untasted ; Sir Oliver began to look fidgety, and the 
 captain voracious ; the eyes of the former oscillating 
 between his watch and the window, those of the latter 
 between a pyramid of prawns and a lobster salad. 
 
 The great clock that had for years enlivened the Hall 
 with its tickings, now distinctly sounded Two ! The 
 vibration served to unlock the lips of Miss Pyefinch, who, 
 breaking the taciturnity which seemed to have herme- 
 tically sealed those of all the rest of the party assembled, 
 
222 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 gave vent in a whisper to a remark which, though neither 
 very profound nor very original, was unquestionably both 
 true and appropriate ; she said, " It was very odd !" 
 
 Sir Oliver gasped, and the captain helped himself to a 
 glass of Madeira, but neither replied ; their looks, how- 
 ever, were so encouraging, that the lady ventured to fol- 
 low up her observation with a hope that " nothing was 
 the matter!" 
 
 The charm was now dissolved ; every tongue recovered 
 its functions, and it was unanimously resolved, in contra- 
 diction to her so kindly expressed wish, that " something 
 was that something must be the matter," and away 
 dashed the baronet, watch in hand, on a solitary visit to 
 his sentinel, who still remained in warder guise, looking 
 " as far as he could see." 
 
 The muttered ejaculation that escaped my uncle as he 
 sallied forth, satisfied me that the wish then uppermost in 
 his mind was connected with the speedy translation of 
 our Right Reverend friend to a diocese even more sultry 
 and extensive than the one just subjected to his pastoral 
 superintendence. I doubt whether at the moment I 
 should myself have interposed a veto to the conge, cTelire. 
 
 Our wedding party seemed now much in the same 
 situation with that which the bard records to have been so 
 unseasonably marred by a certain " Jock of Hazeldean," 
 save that, fortunately for myself, the only personage 
 missing was the bishop, and not the bride, who still 
 remained closeted above stairs with my mother, and, of 
 course, in a state of suspense rendered anything but 
 enviable by this flagrant instance of episcopal remissness. 
 
 Lord Manmngham himself had now become uneasy, 
 and as another hour was by this time fast drawing to a 
 close without any sign of the prelate's appearance, a 
 serious inquiry ensued as to " What was to be done ?" 
 
 The viscount, expressing his fears that his Right Reve- 
 rend friend had met with some accident, hinted at the 
 necessity of a postponement of the ceremony. Against 
 this measure, however, I entered my most vehement pro- 
 test, suggesting, by way of contre-projet, that, as the parson 
 of the parish could tie the nuptial knot quite as firmly, if 
 
kY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 223 
 
 hot quite so handsomely, as his ecclesiastical superior, the 
 services of our old acquaintance the Reverend Mr. Bustle 
 should be put in requisition. 
 
 That learned and much esteemed gentleman was, of 
 course, in attendance as an invited guest, and now readily 
 proffered his assistance towards rescuing us from our 
 dilemma, the prospect of officiating, indeed, seeming 
 almost to console him for missing an. introduction to so 
 dignified a pillar of the Church. 
 
 The discussion waxed warm, and Miss Pyefinch was 
 preparing to issue forth and summon Sir Oliver to " the 
 talk," when a glance from the window showed us that 
 personage returning to the house, and in company with a 
 domestic in a sad-coloured livery, who led by the bridle- 
 rein a hot and jaded steed, from which he seemed but 
 just to have dismounted. 
 
 " News at last from the bishop !" quoth Lord Man- 
 ningham. The captain nodded. " Of course, then, we 
 must not now expect him in person ! " The captain shook 
 his head, and helped himself to another bumper of 
 Madeira. 
 
 When Sir Oliver entered the room, he bore an epistle 
 in each hand ; the one was open, the seal of the other 
 had not been broken. I saw at a glance that my good 
 uncle was in one of his old fits of mystified excitement. 
 
 " Why, what is the meaning of all this, Lord Manning- 
 ham ? Is your confounded bishop drunk or mad 1" 
 
 " Neither, I will venture to affirm," responded Lord 
 Manningham, gravely. 
 
 " Then, who the devil's Pumppe?" asked the baronet. 
 
 " I know no such person," replied the viscount. 
 
 " Why, zounds ! he's your very particular friend," 
 shrieked Sir Oliver. 
 
 " I never heard the name before," said his lordship. 
 
 " Then read your own letter, my lord, and see if it 
 will throw any light upon the cursed rigmarole stuff I 
 have got here ; as I am a living soul I can't make head 
 or tail of a single word of it." 
 
 The exhausted baronet threw himself into a chair, 
 puffing like a stranded grampus, while the peer quietly 
 
224 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 received from his extended hand the proffered billet, which 
 ho unsealed, and retreated to the window to peruse ; 
 meanwhile, I gently drew its fellow from my uncle's 
 grasp, and, sanctioned by his mute permission, read it 
 thus : 
 
 " SIR OLIVER, Though personally unacquainted with 
 you, I beg to express to every member of your family my 
 sincere sympathy on an event so distressing to their 
 fool ings. Strong as his mind is, I tremble to think on 
 t.ho oiioet which the shock must have produced on poor 
 Lord Manningham, though the fears of his friend, Sir 
 Willoughby Pumppe, have, I trust, exaggerated an evil 
 in itself sufficiently formidable. 
 
 " I would fain hope that the object of the infatuated 
 girl's choice is not so utterly depraved as he has been led 
 to believe. When his lordship returns, pray take a proper 
 opportunity to present the inclosed. You will agree with 
 me, that, under the circumstances, my presence at Under- 
 down Hall would be not only useless, but distressing to 
 all concerned ; I proceed, therefore, at once to the vessel 
 in waiting for me. 
 
 " As the wind is now fair, I dare scarcely hope for any 
 further intelligence before we sail, but I shall expect it 
 with anxiety by the very first means of communication. 
 
 " To the kind attentions of Sir Willoughby Pumppe 
 and yourself, I commit my excellent friend with confi- 
 dence, regretting that I am precluded from offering him 
 my personal condolements ; and earnestly praying that he 
 may be strengthened to support this heavy calamity. 
 Yours very faithfully, " GEO. BENGAL." 
 
 No great degree of light, it must be confessed, was 
 thrown upon the cause of his lordship's absence by this 
 mysterious missive, which might, in. verity, have puzzled 
 much wiser heads than that of Sir Oliver, and went far 
 towards realizing the sarcastic simile of the satirist : " As 
 obscure as an explanatory note." 
 
 From a review of the context in Lord Manninghnm's 
 hands, however, better things were to be hoped ; and 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 225 
 
 
 
 although, after all attempts at elucidation, much remained 
 to be guessed at, sufficient data were obtained from that 
 quarter to satisfy every one that the bishop had been 
 victimized by some impudent impostor. 
 
 I shall not pretend to give the letter in detail, and for 
 this piece of forbearance I claim the especial thanks of all 
 who hate, as much as I do, closely written epistles of three 
 sides and a postscript, particularly as, after all, it left a 
 great deal to be inferred. Thus much was, however, per- 
 fectly clear from its contents. 
 
 A gentleman, or one whose outward man bespoke him 
 such, had called at the bishop's temporary abode in 
 London, late on the day preceding that of his intended 
 departure : he had announced himself as " Sir Willoughby 
 Pumppe," and, after apologizing, in apparent agitation, 
 for his intrusion at so unseemly an hour, had apprised 
 his lordship that the whole family of his " dear friend and 
 relative Lord Manningham" had just been thrown into 
 the greatest confusion and distress by the sudden elope- 
 ment of the Hon. Miss Stafford with a soi-disant Polish 
 count, a low fiddler, of the name of Wiskerewski, with 
 whom she had unfortunately contracted an acquaintance 
 soon after her arrival in this country. 
 
 By the aid of white teeth, black mustaches, paste shirt- 
 buttons, a profusion of rings and chains that would have 
 put an alderman to open shame, this person had suc- 
 ceeded, said " Sir Willoughby," in palming himself upon 
 society as a nobleman expatriated for political offences, a 
 sworn foe to autocrats, and a " martyr to the sacred cause 
 of liberty." 
 
 The young lady, who was deeply read in the history of 
 Thaddeus of Warsaw, wanted but a cliansonette or two 
 sung in a corner sotto voce to the guitar, an accomplish- 
 ment, by the way, in which his count ship beat Miss 
 Porter's hero " all to sticks," to surrender at discretion ; 
 and these were plentifully supplied. With a degree of 
 finesse scarcely to be expected in one so young, and 
 acquired no doubt from the lessons of so able a tutor, she 
 had dissembled her disinclination to the match with her 
 cousin, on which she knew her father had set his heart, 
 
 Q 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 fill it was on the very eve of accomplishment, and had 
 then taken advantage of a dark night, and four stout 
 post-horses, to give her friends the slip. 
 
 The fugitives had been traced on their route to the sea- 
 side, and Lord Manningham, accompanied by the deserted 
 bridegroom, had gone in pursuit of them ; but, from the 
 start which they had got, the vicinity of the coast, and 
 the facility of communication with the continent, little 
 hope was entertained of overtaking them on this side the 
 Channel. 
 
 " Sir Willoughby " added, that, under these untoward 
 circumstances, he had been deputed, as a near coDnection 
 of the family, to wait upon his lordship, and to apprise 
 him of an event which, so much to the affliction of all 
 parties, would render his kind offices unavailing ; and ex- 
 pressed the greatest possible regret at having every reason 
 to believe, from information recently received, that the 
 rascally Wiskerewski, who had thus carried off his noble 
 friend's daughter, had not only been a hanger-on in a low 
 gaming-house with a Greek name, but had previously 
 figured on the continent as an escaped format. 
 
 Such, it appeared, was the sum and substance 01 the 
 communication made to the astounded prelate by Sir 
 Willoughby Purnppe. 
 
 His lordship, having dismissed his visitor, went to bed 
 grieved and afflicted at the misfortune of his friend, and 
 indignant at the villany of the seducer. He left London, 
 of course, the next morning, according to his original 
 design, as further delay was impossible, even could his 
 remaining in England a few days longer have allowed him 
 to witness the termination of an affair in which he took 
 so strong an interest. 
 
 His arrangements were, therefore, only so far counter- 
 manded as regarded his purposed deviation from the 
 direct route to the seaport ; and the hour which he had 
 intruded to pass at IJnderdown Hall was devoted to 
 writing these manifestations of his sympathy from the 
 nearest post-town, at which he rested a short time for 
 that purpose. 
 
 These despatched, the Right Keverend the Bishop of 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 227 
 
 Bengal and suite proceeded leisurely on to , "where 
 he was received with all due attention to etiquette by the 
 Hon. Captain Loblolly, and, having embarked under a 
 grand salute from a regulated number of guns, set sail 
 " in H. M. S. the Superb, 74, for the important diocese 
 over which he had been called upon to preside," to the 
 immortal honour of the accuracy of the Morning Post's 
 reporter, and perhaps a little to the discomfiture of his 
 hebdomadal collaborateur, who, however, put a good face 
 upon the matter, and thus revised his account for the 
 ensuing Sunday : 
 
 " We announced in our last (exclusively) an approach- 
 ing marriage in high life, which has since taken place. By 
 an inadvertency we were led into a trifling error as to the 
 name of the bride, who is the Honourable Amelia Man- 
 ningham, daughter of Yiscount Stafford, and who was on 
 this happy occasion united in the flowery bands of Hymen 
 to her only surviving relative, Mr. Charles Bullwinkle, of 
 Underdown Hall. 
 
 " The Bishop of Bengal did not, we understand, per- 
 form the ceremony, having been obliged to depart for 
 Bengal (which is not in the West, but in the East Indies, 
 as our readers will find by referring to the map in 
 Guthrie's Geographical Grammar) on the preceding even- 
 ing. His lordship sailed in the Superb, 74, Capt. Fuggles 
 (and not in the Skeleton, Capt. Coffin, which is ordered to 
 Demerara in New Brunswick with overland despatches) ; 
 the gratifying task consequently devolved upon the exem- 
 plary vicar of Underdown, the Rev. Timothy Bustle, D.D., 
 late fellow of Oriel College, Cambridge, by whom the cere- 
 mony was performed ; so that we were right in the main. 
 
 " The splendid trousseau of the bride is the admiration 
 of all who have been so fortunate as to see it j we con- 
 sider it extremely wrong thus idly to lavish on an indi- 
 vidual what would support a hundred poor families for a 
 twelvemonth, but if the happy pair can by such an 
 expenditure encourage industry, and put bread into the 
 mouths of our starving manufacturers, we think, after all, 
 that nevertheless they may very possibly be quite right'' 
 Q 2 
 
228 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 The development of this extraordinary affair gave rise, 
 as may well be imagined, to no slight discussion among 
 the bridal party assembled in the Cedar parlour. 
 
 Vexed and indignant as we were, there was, after all, a 
 something so ludicrous in our position, that, had I filled 
 any other situation than that of bridegroom-elect, it is a 
 hundred to one that I should not have been able to for- 
 bear laughing. 
 
 At this distance of time, when the annoyance is no 
 longer felt, and the " old familiar faces" rise before my 
 mind's eye, the compressed lip and flashing glance of the 
 viscount, the incensed floridity of the baronet's phy- 
 siognomy, Miss Py efinch's " My goodness me ! " and 
 Bustle's heartfelt "Bless my soul!" cannot but give to 
 the muscles of my countenance an expression very different 
 from that which they exhibited on the day in question. 
 
 The captain was the only one who retained his perfect 
 self-possession ; the single word " curious !" alone escaped 
 his lips, as reverting to the table his eye most unequivo- 
 cally demanded, " Since the bishop will not be here, had 
 we not better begin breakfast ?" 
 
 But this was not yet to be. I now insisted on my 
 former proposition with respect to the reverend rector's 
 assistance, to which little or no opposition was ultimately 
 offered ; some slight excuse for the prelate's absence was 
 made to the bride, who had hitherto been kept in a 
 laudable state of ignorance as to what was going on : 
 and before the gallant officer was allowed to masticate a 
 single custard, that ceremony was performed, which, in 
 our case, had begun, as it always ends, with " amaze- 
 ment." 
 
 I became the happy husband of my beautiful and 
 blushing Amelia, despite the laches of the Bishop of 
 Bengal, and the machinations of " Sir Willoughby 
 Pumppe." 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 229 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 Go to then ! we hope here be truths ! 
 
 SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 The charge is prepared, the lawyers are met, 
 The judges all ranged a terrible show ! 
 
 GAT. 
 
 Monster, away ! 
 To the barren deserts fly ! 
 
 Artaxerxes. 
 
 A MYSTERY. A JOURNEY OP PLEASURE. ANOTHER OP NECESSITY. 
 A SYLLOGISM. SUBSTANCE AND ACCIDENT. MAJOR, MINOR, AND 
 CONSEQUENCE. AN ASS AND A BAND-BOX. A WIG AND A PRIG. 
 SENIORS AND JUNIORS. ASSUMPTION. PERSONATION. RESIGNA- 
 TION. THE ILL-BRED DOG KICKED DOWN STAIRS. 
 
 SIR WILLOUGHBY PuMPPE ? Ay, where, who, and what 
 was Sir Willoughby Pumppe ? 
 
 This was a question much more easily asked than an- 
 swered : who could he be ? what motive could he have 
 for thus impeding a marriage, bothering a bishop, and 
 throwing a whole family into confusion 1 Pumppe ? 
 Lord Manningham had never heard the name, neither had 
 Sir Oliver : it sounded low, vulgar, and monosyllabic, and 
 savoured little of the equestrian dignity ; but then the 
 prcenomen Willoughby ! that, at least, was aristocratic, 
 and the baronet set himself down seriously to fathom the 
 mystery. 
 
 Scarcely had the sound of the wheels that whirled the 
 happy couple from the Hall sunk upon his ears, when, 
 turning from the doot whence he had waved them his 
 farewell, Sir Oliver proceeded to what he somewhat 
 humorously denominated his " study." 
 
 This was a large and well-proportioned room, which 
 ran nearly the whole length of the south wing of the 
 building, and, to say the truth, was much better furnished 
 with books than the generality of manor-houses, even in 
 the present day. It did not, to be sure, boast a " Penny 
 
230 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 Magazine " among its treasures, Sir Thomas More being 
 the only chancellor whose works had found a place upon 
 its shelves ; but then, to say nothing of the whole law 
 library of the learned Sir Marmaduke, replete with the 
 Fletas, the Eractons, and the Cokes of former days, 
 together with (Sir Oliver's magisterial oracle) Williams's 
 edition of " Burn's Justice," a bachelor uncle of the 
 present proprietor had devoted no inconsiderable portion 
 of a younger brother's patrimony to the accumulation of 
 the works of the best authors, ancient as well as modern. 
 There had been an antiquary, too, in the family a century 
 since ; and many a rare and precious tome had Mr. Dug- 
 dale Bull winkle there deposited, one glimpse of which 
 would have smoothed the wrinkled front of a Eitson, 
 electrified an Ellis, and made poor Tom Hill's* heart 
 leap for joy. 
 
 But not to the illuminated Missals, nor even to the 
 Visitations and Genealogies, still less to the classic pro- 
 ductions of the Elzevir and Aldine presses, did Sir 
 Oliver now incline. From a shelf near the fireplace, on 
 which stood the "Burn's Justice" aforesaid, " Turpin's 
 Farriery," the " Sporting Magazine," and a few other 
 volumes which he sometimes opened on a rainy morning, 
 he drew forth " Debrett," and commenced a determined 
 consultation of his pages ; but in vain did he ransack the 
 " Baronetage," index included, in vain was Townsend's 
 " Catalogue of Knights " in its turn subjected to the 
 most scrutinizing examination ; Pumppes, indeed, he 
 found, more or less illustrious, but not one rejoicing in 
 the adjunct "Willoughby. 
 
 After a two hours' application to every book in the 
 
 * "This is a tract of 1486 seventeen pages originally five only 
 wanting two damaged got it for seventy- two pounds ten shillings 
 Caxton only one other copy extant that in the British Museum." 
 "And what is it about ?" said I, innocently. "Why, I do not 
 happen to know that," said Hull (Hill). "Then why buy it ?" said 
 I. " Buy !" exclaimed he, looking at me through his glass with an 
 expression of astonishment " I buy thousands of books ! pooh ! 
 pooh ! millions, my dear sir, in the course of a year, but I never 
 think of reading them. My dear friend, I have no time to read ! " 
 HOOK'S "Gilbert Gurney." 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 231 
 
 room at all calculated to throw a light upon the object of 
 his search, the persevering but baffled investigator was 
 driven to the conclusion that "the fellow was nothing 
 else, after all, but a confounded humbug." 
 
 To Amelia and myself, meanwhile, the mystery was 
 none. Fast as the flying steeds bore us from Underdown, 
 they had not reached the first milestone on the London 
 road ere we had decided that the pseudo Mr. Stafford, 
 James Arbuthnot, Esq., and Sir Willoughby Pumppu, 
 were, as Mrs. Malaprop predicates of another impostor, 
 " like Cerberus, three gentlemen in one," and all indi- 
 vidualized in the person of niy Cousin Nicholas. 
 
 Who but himself could have any object in delaying, 
 perhaps breaking off, a marriage which he had already 
 endeavoured to forestall ? Who but himself had " the 
 heart to conceive, the head to contrive, and the tongue to 
 execute" such a "jolly good hoax 1" 
 
 The paragraph in the Post had evidently apprised him 
 of our plans, and the necessarily immediate departure of 
 the bishop had given him a facility of defeating them. 
 His own attempt at abduction would naturally suggest 
 the story of the elopement, and he would rightly calculate 
 that, under the pressure of circumstances, no time would 
 be left to the good prelate for investigation, even should 
 any suspicion of deceit, which was most unlikely, arise 
 in his mind. The disappointment, though but a temporary 
 one, would be at once a revenge upon Amelia for her in- 
 sensibility to his own agremens, a punishment to her 
 father for turning him so unceremoniously out of the 
 house, and a serious annoyance to myself, whom he had 
 long honoured with an especial portion of his most par- 
 ticular and inveterate dislike. 
 
 All, or any, of these incitements were sufficient ; and 
 then there was another, not less powerful, perhaps, than 
 them all united "it would be such desperate good 
 fun !" 
 
 Of Nicholas and his pranks, however, I thought less 
 and less every moment ; and though at first heartily pro- 
 voked at his audacity, as well as entertaining a firm 
 resolution of one day visiting on his head the mischievous 
 
232 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS, 
 
 tricks he had perpetrated, the possession of Amelia made 
 me too happy now to waste a thought on him or his 
 impertinences. 
 
 Domiciled in a beautiful retreat, and enjoying all the 
 charms of a picturesque neighbourhood, together with the 
 more substantial comforts of a delightful home above all 
 things, happy in each other time flew over our heads on 
 silken wings, and the very name and existence of my 
 Cousin Nicholas had almost faded from our memories, 
 when they were recalled to my recollection by a letter 
 from my mother, containing intelligence of his recent 
 expulsion from the University, and the great annoyance 
 of Sir Oliver thereat. 
 
 The reader has not, as I would fain hope, forgotten a 
 certain reverend gentleman, one Josiah Pozzlethwayte by 
 name, whose skill in dialectics went so far in convincing 
 my uncle Oliver of the improbability of his son's having 
 been in two different places at one and the same time. 
 
 Although a sense of justice towards his pupil, not 
 altogether unmixed, perhaps, with an eagerness to vindi- 
 cate his own superintending vigilance, had, on the occasion 
 alluded to, induced this gentlemen to advocate my Cousin 
 Nicholas's cause with no common zeal, it must not be 
 thence inferred that he was himself altogether satisfied 
 with the general conduct of that ingenious individual, or 
 violently enamoured of his society. 
 
 Few indeed of his pupils had, if the truth must be 
 told, occasioned Mr. Pozzlethwayte greater trouble and 
 inconvenience in his capacity of bear-leader. Not to 
 mention that his almost total absence front the lecture- 
 room, through constant indisposition (to attend), promised 
 no great accession of fame to the tutor from the future 
 reputation of the pupil, the frequent escapades of Nicholas, 
 who, as it was the Reverend Josiah's wont to aver, was 
 " only regular in irregularity, and only consistent in his 
 inconsistency," annoyed him not a little in the situation 
 which he held as a Senior Fellow of the college, and, of 
 course, as a censor morum. Nor did the evil stop here : he 
 hail strong personal grounds for objecting to his conduct. 
 
 Immense as were his intellectual advantages, personal 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 233 
 
 beauty was not Mr. Pozzlethwayte's forte. He stood 
 about four feet nothing in his stockings, a stature, which 
 Nicholas once affirmed in his hearing, and upon Shak- 
 speare's authority, to have been originally that of the 
 whole human race, to prove which assertion he quoted 
 Portia's declaration to Shylock, that 
 
 "All the souls that are were four feet once !" 
 
 The vileness of the pun might perhaps have induced 
 the learned gentleman, who hated any approach to the 
 paranomasia worse than all the other rhetorical figures 
 put together, to pardon it, as well as the impertinence 
 in which it originated ; but this was far from being a 
 solitary instance of my cousin's jocoseness at his expense, 
 a misfortune in early life had deprived him of one of 
 those members which, as Menenius tells us, in his familiar 
 assimilation of it to a leading demagogue, " being one of 
 the basest, lowest, poorest, yet goes first," he had lost 
 his great toe ! 
 
 This calamity, foi such it proved, had not only given a 
 certain peculiarity to his gait, but, from the dancing- 
 master style of progression which it occasioned, had 
 procured him, at the hands of his unfriends, the sobriquet 
 of " Pettitoe." It was a point on which the nominee was 
 peculiarly sensitive ; and here again did Nicholas, to use 
 his own expression, " touch him on the raw." 
 
 A sympathizing Freshman, on being informed one day 
 that the loss had been occasioned by the carelessness of 
 a grocer's foreman, who had let a hundred- weight of 
 Gloucester cheese fall upon his customer's foot, exclaimed, 
 in the simplicity of his heart, " Good Heavens ! what a 
 shocking accident !" "Accident ?" quoth a Man of Stand- 
 ing. " Nay, no Accident ! everybody knows that a Toe 
 is a Substance." "Pardon me," interrupted Nicholas, 
 " you must have read your Aristotle to very little 
 purpose, gentlemen, if you are not aware that the great 
 Stagy rite defines a Substance to be ' To ovl now this, 
 you will observe, is the very reverse of ' Toe on,' it is 
 'Toe off!' 
 
 The syllogism was reported to its subject, by "some 
 
234- MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 d d good-natured friend/' in less than half an hour 
 
 from its construction. 
 
 But keenly as &jeu de mot is felt by many, jokes of a 
 more mechanical and practical nature are still less welcome ; 
 and these, too, were not wanting. 
 
 As if for the very purpose of counterbalancing the 
 niggardliness of Nature by the resources of Art, Mr. 
 Pozzlethwayte had endeavoured, as it were, to atone for 
 the deficiency of one extremity by the redundancy of the 
 other : ft magnificent peruke was his crowning glory, simi- 
 lar in form, and not at all inferior in bulk, to that which 
 erst distinguished the renowned and self-bepraised scholar, 
 whose adoption has stamped upon these horse-hair tumuli 
 the designation of " Parrish Wigs.'* The amplitude of 
 its projections seemed to set all the laws of gravity, in 
 every sense of the word, at defiance, and affected the 
 mind of the spectator with an unpleasant sensation, 
 similar to that produced by a first view of the Leaning 
 Tower of Pisa. The observer was involuntarily impressed 
 with an idea of the impossibility that such a superstruc- 
 ture, so totally at variance with every rule of architecture, 
 and one the apex of which so much exceeded its base, 
 could long preserve any position at all approaching to 
 the perpendicular ; at the same time its hue, and the 
 general appearance exhibited by the woolly acropolis six 
 days out of the seven, made the feeling heart shudder at 
 the probable loss of life which must necessarily attend its 
 descent. Once a week, however, its snowy brilliance 
 rivalled that of Mont Blanc itself, and gave it the 
 appearance of an impending avalanche. 
 
 Every Sunday morn, exactly as St. Mary's clock 
 announced the hour of nine, did Giles Gutteridge, the 
 stammering tonsor, emerge from his domicile in Holy- 
 well, furnished with a huge bandbox, whose interior 
 seemed bursting with the hairy wonder it contained, 
 newly befrizzled and poudre a la mervcille. 
 
 Now, it so happened that its owner's apartments were 
 situated on the first floor of that side of the Quadrangle 
 which immediately fronted the gateway ; it is evident, 
 therefore, that the bearer would have to traverse one 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 235 
 
 half the square before he could possibly reach them ; 
 whereas Dr. Battles, the bursar, occupied rooms on the 
 northern side, at a right angle with those of his friend, 
 and, as he regularly shaved on Sundays, it was Mr. Gut- 
 teridge's professional duty to look in, on his way, and 
 operate on the reverend functionary's chin. 
 
 On all such occasions, it was the wont of the unsus- 
 pecting barber to deposit his freight, for the nonce, upon 
 the landing-place, outside his customer's " Oak," for the 
 ten minutes during which he was employed within. 
 
 The sun shone clear as usual, no thunder growled, no 
 earthquake shook the Kadcliffe to its base, no awful pro- 
 digy announced impending calamity, neither were heard 
 
 " The grass-plot chains in boding notes to ring,"* 
 
 when one fine morning, the hebdomadal abrasion duly 
 performed, a cold chill struck to the very marrow of 
 Gutteridge as he resumed his load ; the box rose in his 
 grasp light as a feather. 
 
 To remove the lid was the work of an instant it was 
 so ! his most horrible anticipations were fearfully realized 
 abiit ! excessit ! evasit ! erupit ! the wig was gone. 
 
 For one moment the unhappy one stood paralyzed 
 the next, two steps, each five times as long as those ordi- 
 narily taken by 
 
 " Such men as walk in these degenerate days," 
 
 brought him down two flights of stairs, and placed him 
 in the very centre of the Quadrangle. 
 
 The Reverend Mr. Pozzlethwayte was at this precise 
 instant of time busily engaged in winding up the perora- 
 tion of a discourse to be delivered that very morning at 
 St. Mary's j his Muse I cannot at this moment call to 
 mind the name of the individual among the "tuneful 
 Nine," who acts as the Pierian inspirer of pulpit oratory 
 had been unusually costive, and an unwonted stag- 
 nation of ideas had already made him long for the avatar 
 of Gutteridge. 
 
 * Hinc exaudiri gemitus, et etuva sonari 
 
 Verbera, turn stridor ferri, tniuUfcjuo catena. 
 
 VIRGIL. 
 
236 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 It is recorded of a celebrated counsel, learned in the 
 law, that he could never plead to any good purpose 
 without a piece of string to twine round his finger while 
 he was addressing the court Mr. Pozzlethwayte could 
 never compose without his wig. While yet in the very 
 act of consulting his watch, and wondering at the tardi- 
 ness of his decorator, 
 
 " Strange sounds of grief, lamentations heard i' the air," 
 
 struck on his sensorium ; he rose and applied himself to 
 the window, when, in the very centre of the grass-plot, 
 irreverently trampling on that sacred sod, fenced in by 
 privilege from every tread less hallowed than that of a 
 senior fellow, stood, or rather stamped, the infuriate 
 Gutteridge, writhing in all the contortions of demoniacal 
 possession. His uplifted hands and eyes seemed as they 
 were invoking the vengeance of all the gods on some- 
 body or something, but on whom, or what, remained a 
 mystery. 
 
 The learned tutor threw up the sash, and called loudly 
 on the infuriated tansor for an explanation. 
 
 It has been already hinted that Mr. Gutteridge had, 
 like another great orator of antiquity, a slight impediment 
 in his speech " Wi wi wi wi wi !" was all that 
 could be collected from him by his interrogator, till, 
 raising his eyes in the direction in which the outstretched 
 arms of the supposed maniac were pointing, a sight 
 arrested them which froze his heart within him. 
 
 There was the Wig ! his Wig THE Wig, par excel- 
 lence, of the whole University, enshrouding the temples 
 of the first murderer, whose stony brow seemed to derive 
 tenfold rigidity from the addition, while, such fantastic 
 tricks does fancy play us, a lively imagination might 
 have traced a horrid laughter mingling with the convul- 
 sions of the expiring Abel, while even the noble and 
 noseless Alfred, and 
 
 "Thy grim-bearded bust, Erigena !"* 
 
 seemed to grin in ghastly glee from, their elevation above 
 the buttery hatch. 
 
 * Hcber. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 237 
 
 " The Wi wi wi wi ! " still shrieked the frantic 
 tonsor, but, 
 
 " Ere he could achieve the word proposed/' 
 
 Pozzlethwayte was already by his side, cravat-less, hat- 
 less, trencher-less, and, alas ! wig-less ; in all the un- 
 readiness of college deshabille, and presenting, as my 
 Cousin Nicholas, who was quietly contemplating the 
 scene from his window, very classically observed, " the 
 beau ideal, in everything but size, of a 
 
 "Monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui Wiggum ademptum !" 
 
 The porters were by this time alarmed, and one of the 
 most agile among them, climbing up the pedestal, set his 
 foot on Abel's shoulder, and stretched out his hand to 
 secure the ravished peruke that frowned far, far above 
 the reach of its bereaved owner ; but whether ^Eolus 
 owed the tutor a spite, or that the " Little Breezes " 
 seized on this opportunity of avenging themselves for 
 their constant exclusion from his chambers, the motion, 
 occasioned by the removal of the caxon, fanned into 
 activity the embers of a half-extinguished cigar, which 
 had been for some time smouldering among the bushy 
 thickets of its occiput. 
 
 " Where there is so much smoke there must be some 
 fire," was the logical deduction of the scout, and, as he 
 paused to examine, the truth of his inference was demon- 
 strated by almost instantaneous ignition. Two or three 
 slaps with the wig, vigorously inflicted on the back of 
 Cain, at length extinguished the flame ; but serious, not 
 to say irreparable, damage had already been done to the 
 comatose fabric, which still hissed, and curled, and fizzled, 
 and sent forth odours the farthest in the world from 
 Sabsean. 
 
 To preach before the assembled heads of houses in a 
 jasey that looked and smelt like a singed sheep's head, 
 was impossible, and, as no substitute could be found sur 
 le champ for the dilapidated wig, its discomfited proprietor 
 was obliged to seek a deputy for the preacher. 
 
 But who was the nefarious depredator? Who the 
 
238 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 perpetrator of all this villany ? Of that no proof could 
 be obtained, though diligently sought for. General 
 suspicion, unquestionably, pointed at Nicholas, who had 
 been seen in the Quad when Gutteridge was entering it, 
 and who had even asked that individual, " H h h 
 how he d d did ?" a sympathetic hesitation in delivery 
 seeming to have seized upon him in the very moment of 
 inquiry. But he had passed on, as he declared, to his 
 own rooms ; nobody could gainsay the fact, and more- 
 over, he denied all knowledge of the larceny, " upon his 
 honour." Such an averment it were heresy to doubt ; 
 still, from the undisguised amusement which he had 
 exhibited at the window, and his subsequent introduction 
 of a song at " the Phoenix," which was considered to bear 
 upon the subject, the injured Pozzlethwayte was con- 
 vinced that, if not a principal in the robbery, he was at 
 least particeps criminis, and " an accessary before the 
 fact." 
 
 "The Wig 's the thing ! the Wig, the Wig, 
 The Wig 's the thing ! the Wig, the Wig ; 
 When portly parsons claim the pig, 
 And gouty aldermen look big, 
 
 I do not say they are not wise, 
 
 I only say, in vulgar eyes, 
 
 The wisdom 's in the Wig ! " 
 
 (Or and Chorus of Under- Graduates.) 
 "The Wig ! the Wig ! the Wig ! the Wig ! 
 The wisdom 's in the Wig ! ! " 
 
 " Such were the sounds that o'er the crested pride " of 
 Josiah Pozzlethwayte " scattered wild dismay," as he 
 returned, a day or two afterwards, from evening chapel. 
 The windows of the Symposium were all open, every 
 syllable came o'er his ear, not indeed 
 
 " Like the sweet South, 
 That breathes upon a bank of violets," 
 
 but with a distinctness of articulation which it needed 
 not the remembrance of his misfortune to render com- 
 plete. The voice of my Cousin Nicholas, the ^>n'wo 
 tenore, sounded high above the rest in beautiful into- 
 nation ; the victim even fancied he saw him peeping at 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 239 
 
 him over the blinds : from that moment all his doubts 
 wore merged in certainty, and dislike was converted into 
 a sentiment that approximated as nearly to hatred as 
 such a passion can be supposed to exist in " a celestial 
 breast." 
 
 " It is easy," says a homely proverb, " to find a stick 
 to beat a dog ;" besides, when one has positively deter- 
 mined that, right or wrong, the cur shall not escape 
 castigation, a cudgel is generally kept handy. It was 
 scarcely necessary to make occasions for complaint against 
 my cousin ; alas ! he was in the habit of affording but 
 too many ready made ; and it soon became apparent 
 that a war to the knife was raging, if not openly pro- 
 claimed, between tutor and pupil. 
 
 " Crosses " and " Impositions " fell thick on the devoted 
 head of Nicholas, who revenged himself, as best he might, 
 by a corresponding shower of lampoons. 
 
 To this species of weapon, certain anecdotes and adven- 
 tures related of Mr. Pozzlethwayte's premiere jeunesse, 
 rendered him peculiarly obnoxious, and " a column of 
 advertisements from the Times, to be rendered into Latin, 
 verse," inflicted upon my cousin, was followed by a dis- 
 charge of odes and epigrams, supposed to be the produc- 
 tion of the same pen. 
 
 There was, in the days of which I speak, a locale in 
 every college which corresponded, in some of its uses, 
 it had others with the Pasquin and Marforio of Home, 
 and, as the great majority of resident members were in 
 the habit of resorting thither at least once a day, few 
 better opportunities of disseminating anonymous effusions 
 could be found, than by means of an affiche in a situation 
 so frequented. 
 
 Here, then, did the lines alluded to constantly appear. 
 The allusions were generally caught up ; copies of the 
 different squibs multiplied apace, and the same "good- 
 natured friend," of whom I have before spoken, usually 
 placed them, with a most praiseworthy regularity, on the 
 table of the Reverend Josiah. 
 
 Conjecture again fixed on Nicholas as the author, but 
 nothing appeared in the copies positively to fasten 
 
240 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 on liim the imputation, and it was considered infra dig. 
 for a senior fellow to visit the originals, for the purpose 
 of identifying the handwriting ; a fallacious test after all. 
 
 The campaign was at length rather unexpectedly brought 
 to a close, and my Cousin Nicholas, like many a great 
 man before him, was finally defeated by wine. In his 
 sober senses he would have defied a world in arms, but 
 " he, whom nor storms nor shipwreck could subdue," fell 
 prostrate, alas ! before a batch of Burgundy. 
 
 My Cousin Nicholas had procured from the vaults of 
 the immortal Latimer a choice case of " genuine Cham- 
 bertin ;" the conventional name for a mixture of brandy 
 and red ink, then in high estimation among gentlemen 
 commoners a dozen of his allies were summoned, and 
 "to it they went like French falconers;" for all who 
 remember our Universities a quarter of a century ago, 
 will bear sorrowful testimony to the occasional excesses, 
 the compotations, and the revellings within those sacred 
 walls, where now, in accordance with the better spirit of 
 modern times, and to the everlasting honour of Father 
 Mathew, the " men " quaff chiefly from those 
 
 " Cups that cheer, but not inebriate," 
 and only 
 
 " Let the lutter'd toast go round." 
 
 As none of my cousin's party were unpractised hands, 
 their sederunt was a protracted one. 
 
 Towards midnight the mirth grew fast and furious, 
 when Pozzlethwayte, whose ears were invaded by the 
 sound of their orgies, meditated an assault. He had even 
 made his sortie, taken the stairs by escalade, and was 
 about to dash in upon the garrison, sword (trencher) in 
 hand, when, as his fingers yet grasped the handle of the 
 door, the portentous sound of 
 
 " If any presume 
 
 To come into the room, 
 We'll fling the dog out of the window ! " 
 
 echoed as an antistropliQ by half a score voices in all, gavn 
 him pause ; Minerva, in the shape of cool reflection, came 
 to his aid, and threw her protecting cegis arouiid him, 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 241 
 
 Gently and imperceptibly did his grasp relax, softly, as 
 one who treadeth on eggs, did he retrace his way across 
 the Quadrangle, and 
 
 " With uneven footstep press the sod," 
 
 till he reached the sanctuary of his own apartment. 
 
 Not so Nicholas and his pot-companions ; on they 
 went, pouring the enemy into their mouths " to steal away 
 the brains" of those who were possessed of such a com- 
 modity, till, as is not uncommon with persons puffed up, 
 whether by wine or vanity, a general vituperation of 
 " things as they are" was succeeded by an eager longing 
 after " things as they ought to be." 
 
 " The grass-plot ! what a piece of ' ecclesiastical 
 tyranny ' that none should be allowed to tread upon it 
 under the degree of A.M. ! what a piece of folly that 
 it should be a grass-plot at all ! a useless, uncropped, 
 four-cornered bit of pasture ! browsed by no herd, 
 enamelled with no flock ! wasting its ' greenery ' on the 
 desert air, and altogether unprofitable to man and beast. 
 
 " Then, too, the miserable and stunted shrubs that 
 deformed the principal's garden ! green to no purpose, 
 fragrant to no end ; who saw them 1 who enjoyed 
 them? No one,- or next to none. It was a wanton 
 waste of the gifts of Nature the thing must be reformed ! 
 ay, Radical Reform ! that was what was wanting ! " 
 
 And accordingly, the " New, Grand, Botanico-horticul- 
 tural and Agricultural Society of King's Hall and College 
 of Brasenose " was established on the spot, with my Cousin 
 Nicholas for its president. 
 
 Sofas from the neighbouring rooms were put in instant 
 requisition, and formed admirable substitutes for ploughs 
 and drills to break up and convert the much abused pas- 
 ture into arable land ; while the laurels, myrtles, with 
 such other shrubs as were not too firmly imbedded in the 
 soil for ready extraction, yielded to the united energies of 
 the " Reforming Committee," and, instead of languishing 
 as heretofore in isolated insignificance, formed, when duly 
 ;n r.in^rd ao-ainst the vice-principal's door, a bower, scarco 
 inferior to that of our first parents in Paradise, as described 
 
 B 
 
242 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 by the immortal Milton. In one respect it may even be 
 said to have had the advantage over it ; Adam's " proud 
 alcove " was altogether innocent of candles, but here were 
 lights innumerable ; wax from the rooms, lamps from 
 the stairs, lanterns from nobody knows where ; the 
 very scout's " muttons " were called into play, till the 
 " enterprising Mr. Gee " himself, could he have witnessed 
 the brilliance of this Academic Vauxhall, would have con- 
 fessed himself outdone, and have blushed to charge " a 
 shilling " for the inferior glories of his gala nights. 
 
 Alas ! alas ! why is it that all human joys are so 
 evanescent ? why is it that we find them ever 
 
 " Like clouds that tint the morning skies, 
 As bright as transient too ?" 
 
 The " bright clouds " of the poet had hardly begun 
 " to tint the morning skies " at all, when an irruption of 
 the college janissaries disturbed the philanthropists in the 
 very height of their enjoyment. They who could run did 
 run, they who could not run fell, and were picked up 
 again ; while my Cousin Nicholas, their illustrious presi- 
 dent and arch-reformer, covered with grease and glory, 
 was captured and conducted to his couch, hiccuping, as 
 he sank into the arms of Morpheus, 
 
 "What have we with day to do?" (hie) 
 "Sons of Care," (hie ) 
 
 mind you put out the lights, you d d rascals ! " 
 
 My Cousin Nicholas had now reached the zenith of his 
 academical career, and we have henceforward only to 
 
 " Mark the mild lustre that gilt his decline ! " 
 
 On awaking the next morning, he found, "Wolsey-like, 
 that a killing frost had nipped his root that he, " good 
 easy man," was about to fall, " never to rise again " in 
 Oxford ; therefore, with all that firmness of purpose, 
 and promptness of decision, which are the distinguishing 
 characteristics of great minds, he resolved so to dispose 
 his robe as to fall with dignity. 
 
 A summons before the seniority he anticipated, nor 
 did he deceive himself as to its necessary result. But the 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 243 
 
 emergency found him not unprepared for it ; he had long 
 since contemplated the possibility of such an event taking 
 place, and his mighty soul rose equal to the occasion. 
 
 It was past one o'clock P.M. The various classes had 
 been dismissed, and the Common Room already exhibited 
 his 
 
 " Judges all met, a terrible show.* 
 
 At the upper end of the apartment sat the principal, 
 and the fellows were arranging themselves to his right 
 and left according to their standing. The immediate 
 appearance of the delinquents, for two other of the 
 rioters were included in the same bill of attainder, was 
 expected, when the door opened, and Sir Lawrence 
 O'Thwackes and Mr. St. John Gomerrily, gentlemen 
 commoners both, entered the room. 
 
 My Cousin Nicholas did not appear, but the space he 
 should have filled was occupied by the Reverend Josiah 
 Pozzlethwayte in person, who, acting as " bodkin " to the 
 other two, advanced with them, in his usual saltatory style, 
 to the bottom of the table. 
 
 His unexpected appearance in such a situation arrested 
 the embryo rebuke already trembling on the lips of the 
 principal. That dignitary gazed on the apparition before 
 him with astonishment. One instant previous he had 
 been consulting with the very gentleman now vis-a-vis to 
 him, and had received his vote for the ostracism of all the 
 offenders. How he could have left the room in the 
 interval was amazing ! Yet there he stood, arrayed in 
 his snuff-embrowned suit of sables, with wig, green goggles, 
 and pointed toe, perfect in his individuality. 
 
 An exclamation from his right drew off the president's 
 attention ; he turned, and to his consternation, I will 
 not say horror, beheld there another Pozzlethwayte ! 
 alter et idem ! in wig in goggles, and in toe he was the 
 same, but evidently quivering with suppressed agitation, 
 while his " double," at the other end of the room, stood 
 regarding the scene with the most complacent equanimity. 
 
 " Bless me ! what can be the meaning of all this ? " 
 asked the astounded " Head." 
 R 2 
 
244 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS, 
 
 " Mon Dieu f il y en est deux ! " quoth the junior fellow, 
 as he quoted the despairing exclamation of the French 
 profligate. 
 
 "Bless myheart !" " why,Mr. Pozzlethwayte !" why, 
 who on earth is this?" &c. &c. &c. burst simultaneously 
 from different members of the congress as the seniority 
 arose in confusion ; meanwhile the two accused, and their 
 extraordinary middle-man, preserved their composure, and 
 appeared to be the only unembarrassed persons in the 
 whole assembly. 
 
 The agitated Pozzlethwayte at length found voice, and, 
 pointing to Pozzlethwayte the composed, 
 
 " See ! " he exclaimed, " see, gentlemen ! I knew how 
 it would be ! it is all a part of the system all done to 
 harass and annoy me I was sure it would be so " 
 
 " What is the meaning of this absurd masquerade 1 " 
 interrupted the principal, now thoroughly certified by the 
 voice as to which was the real Simon Pure ; " who are 
 you, sir ? and where is Mr. Bullwinkle ? " 
 
 " Here, sir, at your orders," returned the fictitious 
 Pozzlethwayte, reverently bowing, as he raised his glasses, 
 and darting from beneath them glances of tenfold obliquity 
 upon the company. 
 
 " What do you mean, sir, by presenting yourself in this 
 ridiculous dress ? " 
 
 "Ridiculous? pardon me, sir," replied Nicholas, wit li 
 much seeming humility ; " I have, I regret to say, too 
 often been reproved for unintentional violation of the 
 University costume, and a cross was placed against my 
 name no longer ago than last week 011 that very account, 
 by my respected tutor who now sits beside you ; I have 
 since determined to make him my model in dress, as in 
 everything else, and, to say the truth, my friends flatter 
 me by declaring that I have succeeded indifferently well." 
 
 The cool impudence of this reply was not to be borne ; 
 the seniority rose en masse, and soon after broke up " in 
 much-admired disorder." 
 
 Mr. Bullwinkle and his tittering companions were in 
 the mean time ordered to withdraw, and in the course of 
 the dav received, jointly and severally, an official intima- 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 245 
 
 tion that they " were no longer to consider themselves 
 members of that university." 
 
 And so my Cousin Nicholas took his leave of Oxford 
 
 HIO CESTUS AKTEMQUB BEPONIT t 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 - The grief that does not speak 
 
 Whispers the o'erfraught heart, and bids it break. 
 
 Macbeth. 
 
 How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is 
 To have a thankless child ! 
 
 Lew. 
 
 A BARONET IN A PUCKER IN A COFFIN. GRIEF AND REMORSE. 
 TOO LATE ! RESUSCITATION. 
 
 SIR OLIVER'S wrath was, as I well knew it would be, 
 fearful; sentence of the greater excommunication and 
 perpetual banishment was forthwith pronounced against 
 the principal offender. I say the principal, because, 
 although Nicholas unquestionably came in for the chief 
 portion of his indignation, yet the various members of the 
 " Seniority" were by no means absolved in his estimation. 
 
 They had disgraced a Bullwinkle ! and that act, whether 
 done justly or unjustly, with or without a sufficing reason, 
 was, in the eyes of the representative of the redoubted 
 Eoger, nothing less than a high crime and misdemeanour. 
 
 Letters which we received about this time, both from 
 my mother and Miss Pyefinch, concurred in representing 
 the baronet as having been in a state of continued excite- 
 ment, almost amounting to frenzy, from the moment of 
 his receiving the principal's official notification of the 
 removal of his son's name from the books, together with 
 a statement of the cause of his having been thus uncere- 
 moniously sent to the right about. 
 
 All this I fully expected to hear ; but, I own, I was 
 not prepared for the shock which followed, and which 
 
246 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 exhibited to me the misconduct of Nicholas in still more 
 glaring colours. 
 
 His follies and improprieties had at length made him 
 little less than a parricide ; and, as I read the following 
 paragraph from a London journal, which I took up 
 accidentally at a little inn in the Isle of Wight, whither 
 Amelia and myself had gone on a short excursion, I was 
 not more grieved at the event which it announced, than 
 shocked by the conviction that his son's misbehaviour had 
 broken the poor old gentleman's heart. 
 
 At the head of the list of deaths was 
 
 " Suddenly, of apoplexy, at his seat, Underdown Hall, 
 Kent, Sir Oliver Bull winkle, feart., in the sixty-third 
 year of his age. He is succeeded in his title and estates 
 by his only son and heir, now Sir Nicholas Bullwinkle." 
 
 Poor Sir, Oliver ! This, then, was the end of all his 
 hopes and fears of all his cares and anxieties for the 
 welfare of one who had as surely destroyed him as if he 
 had plunged a knife into his bosom ! 
 
 Poor TJncle Oliver ! Till this moment I had never 
 known how much I had loved him. To me his kindness 
 had been, from the very first, as warm as it was unde- 
 viating ; and I well knew that in his affections I held a 
 place second only to that so unworthily occupied by his 
 heartless offspring. 
 
 The date of the announcement was that of the third 
 day after we had quitted the Abbey, on the little tour I 
 have alluded to, and where, I doubted not, full details of 
 the melancholy event were even at this moment awaiting 
 my return. But my course was already determined on ; 
 and, crossing over that very day to Portsmouth, I sent 
 Amelia home under the protection of her servants, and 
 placing myself in the mail, reached London at an early 
 hour on the following morning. 
 
 Notwithstanding his eccentricities, my. mother was, as 
 I well knew, deeply, fondly attached to her departed 
 brother, and would at such a time need all the consolation 
 a son's attentions could bestow. Besides, Underdown 
 Hall was now the property of my Cousin Nicholas ; and 
 under any roof which called him master, I was certain 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 247 
 
 she would not choose to remain one moment longer than 
 might be absolutely necessary. 
 
 I had partaken of some slight refreshment at the hotel, 
 and had ordered a chaise and four to be got in readiness 
 as quickly as possible, while I just stepped out to give 
 my tailor some orders, rendered necessary by the melan- 
 choly event that had occurred, when, as I turned the 
 corner of Sackville Street, my arm was grasped from 
 behind. 
 
 I stopped, and beheld my Cousin Nicholas himself. 
 
 He was dressed in deep mourning ; and, to do him 
 justice, I never saw grief and affliction more strongly 
 depicted in any one's countenance in my life. It was 
 some time before he could find words to address me ; they 
 seemed, like Macbeth's, to " to stick in his throat," and 
 the big drops stood on his forehead, while a convulsive 
 choking appeared to impede his utterance. The encounter 
 was an unexpected one to both of us, and, to me at least, 
 unwelcome. I gazed at him in silence ; tears at last 
 came to his relief. " Charles !" he exclaimed, in a voice 
 scarcely audible from emotion, " for Heaven's sake, pity 
 me ! I have murdered my poor father !" 
 
 Incensed against him as I was, and not without reason, 
 on my own account, there was a something so truly 
 pitiable in his whole appearance, in the misery expressed 
 by his glazed eye and hollow cheek, that, spite of myself, 
 I could not look at him without feeling my anger sensibly 
 giving way to compassion. It was not at such a moment, 
 at all events, that I could dwell on personal injuries ; it 
 was no time for revenge, or for heaping reproaches on one 
 whom the bitterest remorse had already stricken to the 
 earth. I took Sir Nicholas by the arm, and retraced my 
 steps with him to the Clarendon. 
 
 When at length his emotion permitted him to speak, 
 I learned that he had but just arrived in town, having 
 preceded me to London by little more than twenty-four 
 hours. 
 
 On leaving the University, he told me he had taken 
 up his temporary abode with his friend ITanbury, in 
 Sussex, where he had intended to remain till time ami 
 
248 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 the mediation of friends should so far induce his father's 
 wrath to relax, as to hold out to him some hope of a re- 
 conciliation. The absurdity of his late conduct, and the 
 injury done by it to his own character and prospects in 
 life, had, as he assured me, already made a very strong 
 impression upon him ; the lesson he had received had not 
 been thrown away ; and he had fully made up his mind 
 to discard his follies, abandon his mischievous frolics for 
 ever, and to do everything in his power towards regaining 
 the place which he felt he had forfeited, both in society 
 and in the affections of his friends. 
 
 " Incredible as you may perhaps think it, Cousin 
 Charles," he added, " it was on yourself that I placed my 
 firmest reliance. To you I have much to answer for more 
 perhaps than you are even now aware of. I have acted by 
 you like a scoundrel and a madman ; yet on you, I repeat, 
 I had rested all my hopes of obtaining my father's forgive- 
 ness, and the pardon of others whom I have still more 
 grossly sinned against. Grave cause as you have against 
 me, for I know you too well to suppose I could make you 
 more than temporarily my dupe, I had made up my mind 
 to write to you to throw myself on your mercy to con- 
 fess to you the whole of my folly, my madness and to 
 plead the only, the miserable excuse that exists for my 
 infatuated conduct, when, to my utter consternation, the 
 papers informed me of the deplorable " 
 
 He covered his face with his hands, burst into a 
 flood of tears, and seemed as if he would have knelt 
 before me. 
 
 I shrank from so degrading an act of self-abasement, 
 and, in a tone which, I fear, had at least as much of con- 
 tempt as pity in it, desired him to compose himself. 
 
 My Cousin Nicholas would have proceeded to confession, 
 but I stopped him at once with the remark, that other 
 matters had at present a prior demand on the attention 
 of both of us. 
 
 He had come, as I now found, to London immediately 
 on reading the account of his father's decease in the 
 pupi'i-s, and had already employed the lime during which 
 ho had been in town in despatching the necessary tradesmen 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 249 
 
 and orders to the Hall, for the performance of the late 
 baronet's obsequies, in a manner suitable to the rank and 
 station which he had so recently held in the county. 
 Having just completed his arrangements, he was about to 
 proceed to Underdo wn, when he saw me pass a shop, in 
 which he was making the last purchases requisite for his 
 journey, and arrested my progress as I have mentioned. 
 
 Finding that I was myself about to proceed to the 
 same destination, he now requested to be permitted to 
 accompany me down, adding, that it would give him the 
 opportunity for which he so earnestly longed, of making 
 his avowal, and of affording to me and mine all the 
 reparation yet in his power. 
 
 After some little hesitation, I agreed to his proposal, 
 and having briefly written to my several tradesmen such 
 directions as were necessary, we stepped into the chaise, 
 which was waiting for me, and set out together at a rapid 
 pace for the Hall. 
 
 Scarcely were we fairly launched from the stony breakers 
 of Bond Street, into the smooth water of Macadamization, 
 when my Cousin Nicholas began, as he phrased it, " to 
 make a clean breast of it," and with every token of sincere 
 contrition, went into a recapitulation of his offences 
 against us all. 
 
 He told me, that at our never-to-be-forgotten inter- 
 view with her at the theatre, the impression made upon 
 him by Amelia's beauty was not inferior to that which it 
 had produced upon myself, that he had, in short, to use 
 his own expression, " fallen deeply, madly in love with her 
 at first sight ;" but that this passion, like many of a similar 
 kind which had preceded it, might perhaps have yielded 
 to time and absence, had not a combination of fortuitous 
 circumstances occurred to foster and increase its force. 
 
 It will be recollected that, on parting with me in Jer- 
 myn Street, after I had, as we both then thought, safely 
 marked down my bird at Mrs. Morgan's, Nicholas had 
 repaired to what such is the retrogression of modern 
 -i-li Moment may now be mentioned, even to ears polite, 
 " hell," in the vicinity. 
 
 The usual ilocks of rooks and pigeons wore found con- 
 
250 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 gregated within its interior, and, flush with the supply so 
 recently received from myself, he plunged at once into all 
 the mysteries of rouge et noir. 
 
 A. very few deals had taken place when an " intelli- 
 gencer" entered with the news of an attack meditated by 
 the police, and appointed to take place that very night. 
 The party broke up abruptly, and Nicholas, who had 
 been hitherto a winner, and was not sorry for so good an 
 excuse to pocket his earnings, found himself once more in 
 the street. 
 
 As he passed Mrs. Morgan's door, the often-mentioned 
 dark green chariot caught his eye, with Amelia and her 
 antiquated chaperon in the act of getting into it. 
 
 The real state of the case flashed at once upon him, 
 and, as the carriage drove leisurely along, he had no diffi- 
 culty in keeping it in view, till he saw it finally deposit 
 its lovely freight at her father's mansion. 
 
 His first impulse was, as he assured me, to make me 
 acquainted with the discovery ; but, alas ! the event proved 
 that the warning of the bard is not an idle one, 
 
 " Friendship, take heed ! if woman interfere, 
 Be sure the hour of thy destruction's near." 
 
 After what he declared 'to have been a very severe 
 struggle, passion prevailed over principle, and my cousin 
 found himself unable to renounce the advantage which 
 his knowledge of the residence of our fair incognita gave 
 him over me, his rival. 
 
 When he had ascertained the real name and condition 
 of the lady, and her relationship to myself, all of which 
 he had accomplished, without difficulty, during the in- 
 terval of my journey to Underdown, the struggle, he 
 protested, recommenced ; and when, on the evening of 
 my return to town, I had made him my confidant with 
 respect to Lord Manmngham's intentions in my favour, 
 the secret was actually upon his lips. 
 
 But my evil genius, it seems, again prevailed, and acci- 
 dent again secured his triumph. 
 
 "How oft the sight of means to do ill deeds 
 Makes ill deeds done!" 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 251 
 
 " Had you not incautiously let fall that letter of your 
 mother's, Cousin Charles, I verily believe I should yet 
 have proved honest to you, and, after diverting myself a 
 little longer with your perplexities, have at once removed 
 them ; but the temptation was irresistible. One moment 
 only was your attention distracted by the waiter, but that 
 moment was decisive to seize, to exchange the letter 
 for one of my own, was the work of an instant ; the hurry 
 with which you followed me in pursuit of an ignis fatuus, 
 conjured up, I confess, for my purpose, forbade all exami- 
 nation, and I saw with triumph that my hastily-formed 
 plan had succeeded ; the substituted epistle was already 
 in your pocket. 
 
 " A thousand and a thousand times during the re- 
 mainder of that day did conscience fly in my face, and 
 tell me that I was acting most unworthily ; a thousand 
 times did I resolve to confess all to you, to restore the 
 letter I had purloined, and trust to your affection for my 
 pardon ; but then the image of Amelia rose in beauty 
 before me, and the die was cast. 
 
 " With my subsequent conduct you must be but too 
 well acquainted ; its only palliation is that I was no 
 longer my own master ; every thought, every feeling of 
 right and wrong, was absorbed in the one hope of obtain- 
 ing, by any means, the paragon of her sex. 
 
 " A very few days, as I was well assured, were all that 
 would be afforded me ere the imposture must inevitably 
 be discovered ; my own imprudence contributed to 
 shorten even that brief interval, and, in a moment of 
 infatuation and despair, I was hurried into that Quixotic 
 enterprise which infatuation and despair alone could have 
 inspired. 
 
 " Nay," he continued, " I will own that, from the date 
 of my more intimate acquaintance with Miss Stafford and 
 her perfections, the strongest personal jealousy of yourself 
 was added to my other bad passions j and this, together 
 with the envy at your good fortune which it excited, 
 induced ine subsequently to play off a most abominable 
 trick upon the Bishop of Bengal, which would, as I hoped, 
 have the effect of deferring, if only for a few hours, a 
 
252 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 marriage so destructive to all my hopes, and one which I 
 could not bear to think upon. 
 
 " But, oh ! Charles," continued he, seeing my colour 
 rising, for my patience here was sorely tried, " spare me, 
 spare me, I beseech you, the reproaches which I so 
 justly merit ; think, think what my feelings must be at 
 such a moment as this, when I avow that, guilty as I 
 have been towards you, there is another crime that lies 
 yet heavier on my heart, my poor, poor father ! yes, 
 Charles, it is but too true that the individual who so 
 atrociously insulted him was his own son ! 
 
 " I had not, I scarce need say, quitted London, as you 
 believed, but had accompanied Captain Hanbury, the 
 brother of a college friend of mine, to the theatre, when, 
 to my astonishment no less than alarm, I came plump 
 upon Sir Oliver. I knew all the consequences of his 
 finding me in London ; I knew the violence of his anger 
 when thoroughly provoked ; not an instant was left me 
 for consideration. What was to be done ? I denied, dis- 
 owned, gracious Heaven ! I even threatened him !" 
 
 A violent burst of anguish here interrupted the speaker, 
 nor could I help being moved by the bitterness of his 
 remorse. 
 
 Resentment again gave way to compassion ; I could 
 not, no, I could not trample on the self- abased creature 
 beside me, I could not quench the smoking flax, nor 
 bruise the broken reed. He had behaved scandalously, 
 it is true, but he was miserable, the image of his dead 
 father, too, of that father who had so loved us both, 
 seemed to rise between us, and demand forgiveness for 
 his erring but repentant child. 
 
 Before we had reached Dartford I had solemnly ac- 
 corded to my Cousin Nicholas an entire amnesty, and 
 had ventured to promise him as much on the part of 
 Amelia. 
 
 From this moment I endeavoured to change the sub- 
 ject, and to converse with him on his own affairs, on 
 his future plans and prospects, but found it exceedingly 
 difficult to withdraw his mind at all from the course of 
 bitter self-reproach which his thoughts had taken. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 253 
 
 He was perpetually reverting to the subject of the dis- 
 graceful conduct he had pursued towards his father. 
 
 A chaise and four, he told me, and the connivance of 
 the college porter, had enabled him to anticipate the 
 arrival of Sir Oliver in Oxford, which he was sure would 
 follow, by several hours, and, secure in the secrecy of his 
 friend the captain, who had promised to keep out of the 
 way for a day or two, he had managed to escape detection 
 by the connivance of the college servants ; but the re- 
 membrance of his behaviour on that occasion to a parent 
 who so doted on him would, he continued to assure me, 
 embitter every moment of his future existence. He 
 spoke of himself as one of the worst of murderers, and it 
 was almost impossible to divert him from these gloomy 
 reflections, or to draw his attention to the state of his 
 worldly concerns. 
 
 From what at length fell from him, however, I gathered 
 that his pecuniary embarrassments were, in fact, much 
 more considerable than I had anticipated ; he even hinted 
 at the probability that a temporary visit to the Continent 
 might be 'advisable, if not absolutely necessary. 
 
 This was an idea which I rather encouraged than re- 
 pressed ; as, though I had made up my mind not to refuse 
 my assistance towards extricating him from his diffi- 
 culties, it struck me that, for many reasons, his absence 
 from England, for the present, would be a relief to all 
 parties. 
 
 When we reached Sittingbourne, we stopped to change 
 horses, and alighted to partake of some refreshment at 
 the Rose ; and here, as I verily believe for the first time 
 in his life, did the appetite of Nicholas altogether fail 
 him ; he forced down a mouthful or two with difficulty, 
 and remained totally absorbed in his own thoughts, which 
 continued to be apparently of the most painful descrip- 
 tion ; what was yet more extraordinary, he did not show 
 the slightest inclination to fly to his old resource, the 
 bottle, for relief; nor was it without great persuasion on 
 my part that he was at length, with difficulty, induced to 
 swallow a single glass of sherry. I wanted no other proof 
 of the sincerity of his grief, at least for the time being. 
 
254 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 At a short distance below the village above named, the 
 approach to the Hall diverged from the great turnpike 
 road to Dover, and, turning abruptly to the right, after 
 meandering for several miles through a rich and varied 
 country, brought us once more to the well-known entrance 
 of the Underdo wn domain. 
 
 The sun had set in glory, and the shades of twilight- 
 were fast closing in upon a lovely evening, as we reached 
 the well-remembered avenue, whose majestic trees, the 
 venerable growth of centuries, threw a still darker shadow 
 upon all beneath them. 
 
 At the extremity nearest to the mansion, and at a 
 right angle with one corner of the building, rose a 
 splendid oak, " the monarch of the wood," standing, as it 
 were, proudly aloof, it had been Sir Oliver's favourite 
 tree. 
 
 A rustic bench encircled its time-worn trunk, and here, 
 a hundred and a hundred times, had I seen my poor 
 uncle in happier days, gazing with an honest pride upon 
 the sylvan scene before him, the fair domain transmitted 
 down to him from so many Bull winkles, now like him- 
 self at peace, while he inhaled the sedative fragrance of 
 a pipe of the best Virginia. 
 
 Alas ! poor Uncle Oliver ! Never again should I behold 
 that open friendly countenance, in which might be read, 
 as in a book, every thought of his guileless heart ! never 
 again should I encounter the kindly glance of that eye 
 beaming on me with all but paternal love ! never again 
 receive the fervent pressure of that hearty and affectionate 
 grasp ! never again should I hear 
 
 Why, what on earth was that ? How deceptive the 
 unreal mockeries of fancy ! 
 
 "And as imagination bodies forth 
 The forms of things unknown," 
 
 how often does she, in her vagaries, 
 
 " Give to airy nothings 
 A local habitation and a name ! " 
 
 I could have sworn at the very moment that these, and 
 thoughts like these, were rushing on my mind iu an over- 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 255 
 
 whelming flood of fond reminiscence, even then I could 
 have sworn that I heard again that voice, now hushed for 
 ever by the still, cold hand of death, that very cough, 
 too, which exhibited the strength, rather than the weak- 
 ness, of my poor uncle's lungs, seemed to issue again, as 
 heretofore, from beneath the tree of his love ; nay, I 
 could almost have believed that a dim and shadowy form, 
 resembling that of him that was gone, was yet hovering 
 around its gnarled and knotty trunk. 
 
 The same, or some similar idea, seemed to have stricken 
 my Cousin Nicholas, for rousing himself from the corner 
 of the chaise in which he had been for some time silently 
 reclining, he suddenly exclaimed, with a vivacity that 
 startled me, 
 
 " Gracious Heaven ! what is this ?" 
 
 Then breaking one of the front glasses in his eager- 
 ness to let it down, he called loudly to the drivers to 
 stop. 
 
 My eye followed the direction of his own, and again, 
 to my thinking, I saw my Uncle Oliver, "in his habit as 
 he lived," rise deliberately from the accustomed seat, and 
 advance towards the carriage. 
 
 Nicholas uttered a shriek, and sprang from the vehicle. 
 Before I could follow, he was on his knees upon the 
 greensward, his hands uplifted, and his eyes starting 
 from his head with horror. 
 
 " Father ! dear father ! " he cried in agony, " come 
 not from the grave to curse your son. Pardon ! oh, 
 pardon !" 
 
 He fell upon his face as he spoke ; and I was electrified 
 as I distinctly heard the phantom reply to his adjuration, 
 " Go to the devil, you infernal scoundrel !" 
 
 A mist seemed to gather on my senses, and I could 
 scarcely summon up resolution enough to quit the chaise. 
 When, however, I had accomplished my descent, there 
 still lay Sir Nicholas Bullwinkle, literally writhing with 
 agony on the turf. 
 
 "Mercy! mercy!" came from his lips, in suffocating 
 accents, " Pardon ! Mercy ! Forgive, blest shade !" 
 
 " Blest fool's head !" returned the spectre, to my inde- 
 
256 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 scribablc astonishment. " Get up this instant, you i 
 and don't lie sprawling there !" 
 
 And it looked all the while so like the late Sir Oliver 
 Bullwinkle, that, had I not known him to be defunct, I 
 could have made oath it was his very self. 
 
 " Get up, I say, scoundrel ! " continued the Eidolon ; 
 and at the same moment the sound of a kick, from wlmt 
 seemed to be its foot, as the shadowy member vehemently 
 encountered the most undefended part of my Cousin 
 Nicholas's person, excited in my mind a strong suspicion 
 of its materiality. 
 
 Mine eye had by this time " well examined the parts " 
 of the apparition, and 
 
 " Found them perfect Oliver." 
 
 " Good Heavens ! " I exclaimed, " can it be ? Sir 
 Oliver? and you really are not dead ?" 
 
 " Dead ? Dead be d d !" quoth the spirit, ejacu- 
 lating as if on purpose to illustrate that obscure line of 
 Gray's, 
 
 " Even in our ashes live their wonted fires ! " 
 
 " No more dead than yourself, if you come to that. All 
 a bam of that rascally newspaper put in by some lying 
 vagabond on purpose : this fellow as likely as anybody !" 
 
 And so it was ! so it must be ; a hundred circum- 
 stances flashed on my memory to prove it : his difficulties, 
 his debts, his menaced incarceration ! Mr. Bullwinkle, 
 ci-devant of Brasenose, the disgraced of Oxford, the 
 discarded of his father, the rejected of Rabbi Aaron 
 Ximenes, could not as a desdichado have preserved his 
 personal liberty one single week ; it was reserved for 
 the brilliant genius of my Cousin Nicholas thus to turn 
 disaster into victory, and, by a splendid coup de rnaitre, to 
 convert foes into auxiliaries, drawing supplies from the 
 very quarters whence he had the most to apprehend. 
 
 His tailor, like many, not to say most, of the West- 
 End Schneiders, dealt at least as much in bills as breecho* ; 
 and " Sir Nicholas Bullwinkle," the youthful and extrava- 
 gant baronet of six thousand a year, not only obtained an 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 257 
 
 immediate cessation of the hostilities proclaimed against 
 " N. Bullwinkle, Esquire" but found every " accommoda- 
 tion" he could require, "on the most reasonable terms," 
 while, as no " Grand-National-United-Tailors'-Strike " was 
 in those unenlightened days so much as dreamt of in the 
 most glowing visions of the Humes and Owens, complete 
 mourning for the whole of his embryo establishments 
 in town and country was promised, without fear of 
 failure, " at six hours' notice," and the professional credit 
 of Mr. Kerseymere Kite pledged for its delivery within 
 the time. 
 
 Messrs. Birdseye, Mapleton, and Company, who had 
 not long since furnished a pleasant little retreat in the 
 King's-road, Fulham, for a female relation of the Bull- 
 winkles, whose name, by the way, Sir Oliver had most 
 unaccountably omitted to register in the family pedigree, 
 but for whose ottomans, cliiffbnnieres, and chaises longues, 
 my Cousin Nicholas had very generously made himself 
 responsible, were no less polite. An order for a splendid 
 funeral, and for the hanging Underdown Church with the 
 finest black broad-cloth, accompanied with a hint that the 
 heir was rather short of ready cash till " the will should 
 be proved, and arrangements made with the bankers," 
 were both immediately taken. The deceased baronet, it 
 was faithfully promised by the Birdseye polyonomy, 
 should be interred in a manner worthy the dignified 
 representative of the Conqueror's standard-bearer ; while 
 a cheque for five hundred pounds, offered, and, I need 
 scarcely say, accepted, as a temporary loan, evinced at 
 once the opulence and the liberality of the firm. 
 
 Though not fully aware of all these and similar par- 
 ticulars at the moment, Nicholas had, in the course of the 
 communications which he had made to me, said enough 
 to furnish rue with a clue to his whole plot. Doubtless 
 he had taken his measures too well to permit any proof 
 to exist that he was, in fact, the fabricator of the para- 
 r ph of which he had thus reaped the benefit, and of 
 which, in common with the rest of us, he would, no 
 doubt, profess to have been the dupe. 
 
 In the mean while he had succeeded iu freeing himself 
 
258 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 for a time at least from importunity, not to say a 
 jail : he had raised the "wind for his intended Continental 
 excursion, the only part of his story I now believed in, 
 and he had, moreover, succeeded, by means of this 
 "jolly good hoax," in " humbugging" me into a condona- 
 tion which, disgusted as I was with him, it was quite 
 impossible for me, as a gentleman, to retract. 
 
 Such consummate duplicity, however, precluded the 
 possibility of my taking any farther notice of him. 
 Seizing, therefore, Sir Oliver's arm, we turned together 
 towards the Hall, leaving the penitent to the full enjoy- 
 ment of his raptures at finding his father still in the land 
 of the living, and to rub off at his leisure the verchire 
 which his black net "tights" had contracted from his 
 long-continued genuflexions on the moist grass. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 Nay then, let the Devil wear black ! 
 
 HamkL 
 
 Go bop me over every kennel home, 
 For you shall hop without roy custom, sir. 
 
 PL 
 
 UNEXPECTED VISITORS. MORE FREE THAN WELCOME. " DON'T YOU 
 WISH YOU MAY GET IT ?" AN ATTACK. AN AMBUSCADE. A 
 REPULSE. A RETREAT. 
 
 SIR OLIVER and myself pursued our way towards the 
 house ; and it would not have been very easy to deter- 
 mine which of the two felt the most astonished and 
 gratified at so unexpectedly encountering the other, one 
 a dear friend whom he believed to be dead, the other a 
 DO less dear relative whom he knew to be married. 
 
 As both these conditions are apt to imply a separation 
 from former ties and habits to a rather considerable extent, 
 a sudden re-union like the present had, for hearts such as 
 ours, a more than ordinary charm. My mother's surprise 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 259 
 
 at seeing me was extreme ; so was tliat of Miss Pyefinch, 
 and far more vociferous. Had the resurrection from the 
 " mools" been one on my part instead of my uncle's, her 
 wonderment could scarcely have been greater. 
 
 My last communication had been dated from Belvoir 
 Abbey, the day before our quitting it for Hyde, and both 
 the ladies believed Amelia and myself to be at this moment 
 ruralizing among the romantic glades of Shanklin. The 
 penetrating Kitty, however, hit the right nail upon the 
 head in a twinkling : " He has seen Sir Oliver's decease 
 in the papers, and is come home to comfort us !" 
 
 " But do not believe it it is all nothing but nonsense," 
 continued the poetess ; " dear Sir Oliver is not dead, and 
 never has been dead at all ! " 
 
 I assured her that I gave implicit credit to her state- 
 ment ; and the honest joy which sparkled in her eye lost 
 nothing of its intensity from the pleasing self-importance 
 which we all derive from being the first to communicate 
 positive and authentic intelligence. 
 
 When the eclat of my arrival had a little subsided, I 
 was told a tale which, while it added fresh fuel to the 
 scarcely-slumbering embers of my wrath, it was impossible 
 to hear, as Miss Kitty and Jennings respectively delivered 
 it, without feeling at least as much disposition to laughter 
 as indignation. 
 
 The Liberal journal in which the obnoxious paragraph 
 had appeared was of course one never seen at the Hall, 
 where, as was the case with nine out of ten of the county 
 families, all were of strong Conservative principles. 
 
 The first intimation which Sir Oliver had of his own 
 decease was from a spruce-looking gentleman in a suit of 
 sables, the sprightliness of whose manner, and the smug 
 familiarity of whose address, comported but badly with 
 the lugubrious character of his habiliments and the 
 solemnity of his errand. 
 
 The baronet, after discussing his usual ample breakfast, 
 was taking his morning's stroll about the grounds, and 
 had reached the end of the avenue, where he stood lean- 
 ing over the gate, in a picktooth attitude, and looking as 
 if he thought he was thinking, when a smart, flashy, 
 s 2 
 
2GO MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 " buggy," freighted witli the dapper gentleman aforesaid, 
 drew up before him. 
 
 " Hunderdown 'All, hold gentleman, eh 1 They told 
 us first gate with bulls' heads on the pastes" 
 
 " They were quite right," replied my uncle. " This is 
 the road to the Hall j and what, pray, may be your plea- 
 sure there, sir?" 
 
 " Pleasure ? oh, no pleasure in life, hold boy quite 
 the con-ra-ry no pleasure ! hall bizzness come to 
 measure Sir Holiver for his coffin." 
 
 " The d 1 you are ?" said the astounded baronet ; " and 
 what rascal, pray, sent you here on such an errand 1 " 
 
 " Eascal ? Vot do you mean by that, you foul- 
 mouthed old buffer 1 I tell you, I belongs to Birdseye, 
 Mapleton, and Co., the first hundertakers in Lunnun, 
 and I comes to manage the old jockey's funeral ; so 
 open the gate at vonce, and mind my mare, she's an 'ell 
 of a kicker." 
 
 " So am I," said Sir Oliver, whose bristles were by this 
 time thoroughly up ; " and curse me if I don't kick you 
 round the park if you dare put your foot into it. You 
 make Sir Oliver's coffin, you son of a cinder-sifter ! Sir 
 Oliver would see you d d first." 
 
 <; Oh, vot you thinks to do it yourself, I s'pose, von of 
 the hold boy's country rums, vot does carpenter's vork, 
 and mends his barnses ! It's no go, hold chap, Sir 
 Nicholas has given us the job, I tell ye, so you may as 
 well mizzle at vonce." 
 
 " Sir who 1 " roared Sir Oliver. 
 
 " Yy, Sir Nicholas Bullwinkle, to be sure, who else 1 
 The young barrownight as is. So open the gate vide, 
 vill ye ? and don't stand jawing there all day !" 
 
 It was lucky, perhaps, that a light open van drew up 
 to the gate at this precise moment ; the baronet was 
 thoroughly exasperated, and an assault and battery upon 
 the gentleman in the gig would, in all probability, have 
 wound up the colloquy. As the metropolitan Jehu, how- 
 ever, had begun to back his kicking mare a little at the 
 first sight of his opponent's manifestations of determined 
 hostility, the humbler vehicle "cut in" before him. 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 2G1 
 
 " Be this the road to Underdown Hall, sir 1 " asked the 
 lad who drove it, respectfully touching his hat. 
 
 " Yes, my man, what have you got there ?" 
 
 " Bullwinkle arms, sir," answered the driver ; and 
 there, sure enough, did the astonished eyes of Sir Oliver 
 behold, in the back of the cart, and bolt upright, a splen- 
 did escutcheon, within a black lozenge-shaped frame, some 
 six feet by five in measurement, charged with the " golden 
 fetterlocks in the azure field," and the " bloody hand " in 
 a canton ; the whole surmounted by the equestrian helmet, 
 bearing a bull's head proper, horned and couped Or his 
 family coat in full and gorgeous blazonry the only per- 
 ceptible difference was, that in lieu of the motto, Hans 
 peur et satis reproche, the single word Resurgam was con- 
 spicuous on the scroll, beneath which grinned horribly a 
 death's head, flanked with a bat's wings, and having a 
 couple of thigh-bones crossed in saltier under its chin. 
 
 At the very glimpse of an heraldic bearing, Sir Oliver 
 had thrown open the gate, and the van had fairly entered 
 the park before he caught sight of the ominous label, or 
 fully comprehended the purpose to which the achievement 
 was intended to be applied. 
 
 " Where are you carrying that thing ? and what are 
 you going to do with it 2" he inquired, in an astonishment, 
 which began to partake somewhat of alarm. 
 
 " Hang it over the hall door, sir," said the lad, civilly ; 
 " the men will be here directly." 
 
 " Why, who is dead, boy ?" 
 
 "Sir Oliver Bullwinkle, Esquire. Cheep cheep!" 
 and the horse, in obedience to the well-known signal, 
 trotted on with his light burden along the vista. 
 
 " Yot, didn't you know it, my covey ? " quoth the fore- 
 man of Messrs. Birdseye, Mapleton, and Company, who 
 had seized the opportunity to drive through the yawning 
 portal himself. " Vy, lawk love 'ee, he's as dead as 'Arry 
 the If eighth, and 'as been these three days ; vy, it's in hall 
 the papers." 
 
 The baronet fell back, absolutely confounded, and tho 
 " 'ell of a kicker " boro the " buggy " and its contents 
 rapidly on towards the house. 
 
262 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 My uncle's annoyances unfortunately did not terminate 
 here ; it is true that the united testimony of men and 
 maids did at length, sorely to his amazement, convince 
 the worthy agent of the Birdseye firm that he was in 
 error, and " conglomerated " his faculties pretty consider- 
 ably in his turn, while the achievement was sent back, 
 not without blessings, to the place from which it carne ; 
 but scarcely had Sir Oliver doffed his corduroys and " con- 
 tinuations," and was preparing to sit down to dinner in 
 dove-coloured hose and clean linen, the latter adorned 
 with a most magnificent redundancy of frill, when the 
 sound of wheels was again heard approaching the 
 mansion. 
 
 " Somebody come to dinner," quoth the baronet ; " well, 
 so much the better glad of it been plagued and bothered 
 all day shall like a chat, Pyefinch, you're an infernal 
 dummy, may as well talk to the cat." 
 
 The captain raised his eyes, but seemed to think no 
 answer necessary. 
 
 A carriage now stopped at the door, and the parlour 
 windows being partly open, a voice was heard inquiring 
 if " the baronet was at home ? " The rattle of the steps, 
 which followed, proved that the answer had been satis- 
 factory, and that the unexpected guest had alighted. 
 
 " Two gentlemen to wait on you, Sir Oliver." 
 
 " Show 'em in here, Jennings, glad to see them lay 
 more plates who the d 1 are they 1 " 
 
 "Mr. Jones and Mr. Simpson!" said the butler, 
 announcing two respectable-looking personages in travel- 
 ling dresses, who followed him into the room. 
 
 " Glad to see you, gentlemen ; walk in glad to see 
 you come to dine, I hope 1 be on table in a minute." 
 
 " You are extremely kind, sir very much obliged 
 but really not at all prepared did not expect the honour 
 a little business." 
 
 " Pooh ! pooh ! no ceremony here d n dress and all 
 that business? very 'well talk of business after dinner. 
 My sister, gentlemen, Miss Pyefinch Captain Pyefinch 
 sister, Mr. Sampson and Mr. Thingummee Jennings, 
 dinner!" 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 263 
 
 " Yes, Sir Oliver," said the butler, as he retired and 
 closed the door. 
 
 " Sir Oliver !" said Mr. Jones. 
 
 " Sir Oliver ! ! " said Mr. Simpson. 
 
 " Why yes, Sir Oliver," echoed my uncle " Oliver 
 Bullwinlde who the d 1 do you take me to be 'I " 
 
 " Sir Oliver Bullwinkle is no more," said Mr. Jones. 
 
 " Sir Oliver Bullwinkle died last Friday," said Mr. 
 Simpson. 
 
 " It is an infernal lie ! " said Sir Oliver. " Here, 
 Jennings ! Pyefinch, ring the bell do ling it as hard as 
 you can. Why, Jennings, I say, keep back the dinner 
 throw those two plates out of the window. What the 
 d 1 do you two scoundrels mean by coming to insult me 
 in my own house?" 
 
 " Your own house 1 " said Mr. Jones. 
 
 " Your own house ? " screamed Mr. Simpson. 
 
 " My own house ? ay, my own house it is not yours, 
 is it 1 Who are ye ? What are ye come for ? the 
 spoons ? or the furniture 1 " 
 
 " Neither, sir ? it is the books we want ! " 
 
 " Oh, my books, do ye ? Confound your impudence ! 
 Where do ye come from, I say 1 who sent ye 1 What 
 do ye take me for ?" 
 
 " A madman," whispered the alarmed Mr. Jones. 
 
 " Must be crazy !" gasped the terrified Mr. Simpson. 
 
 " Crazy ? " cried Sir Oliver, " I crazy 1 Hark ye, fellows, 
 here stands old Oliver Bullwinkle, who, crazy or not, will 
 never suffer himself to be called so on his own oak floor, 
 by a couple of impudent vagabonds. Jennings ! Tom ! 
 Wilkinson ! here, throw these rascals into the horse-pond !" 
 
 " For Heaven's sake, Sir Oliver," interposed my mother ; 
 " here must be some mistake !" 
 
 " For Heaven's sake, Sir Oliver ! " chimed in Miss Kitty. 
 
 The captain said nothing, bub like the philosopher's 
 parrot, doubtless he " thought the more." 
 
 " Sir Oliver," reiterated Mr. Jones, but in a much 
 lower key than before, " I beg pardon I bog a thousand 
 pardons I mean no offence no offence in the world. 
 But is Sir Oliver Bullwinkle really alive 1 " 
 
264 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 The captain nodded oracularly, for to him the appeal 
 seemed to have been more particularly directed ; and his 
 sister exclaimed, "Alive? why, don't you see he is? I 
 wonder how any one can ask so foolish a question !" 
 
 But Mrs. Stafford, who had heard enough of the events 
 of the morning, and began to divine how matters stood, 
 now interfered effectually. 
 
 She first exerted all her energies, and not without suc- 
 cess, to pacify her brother's kindled rage, and to reassure 
 the alarmed and astonished booksellers, for such the 
 visitors were, who were beginning to entertain no slight 
 apprehensions for their personal safety. 
 
 Their story was soon told : Sir Nicholas Bullwinkle, 
 as he had styled himself, being in want of a little ready 
 money on succeeding to his title, had obtained one thou- 
 sand pounds sterling from Messrs. Jones, Palimpsest, and 
 Gingerby, of " the Row," " upon account." Mr. Jones, 
 who had seen the library at IJnderdown, and knew its 
 value, was to go down and select from its shelves such, 
 and so many, volumes as he might approve to the above 
 amount, while Mr. Simpson, of the firm of Sheepskin, 
 Simpson, and Wiggleby, was to accompany him in the 
 capacity of appraiser for, and on the part of, the vendor. 
 
 " What inconvenience and trouble has one l mistake' 
 in a newspaper occasioned ! What a shame the editor 
 was not more particular ! " 
 
 So said Miss P} r efinch, so said Mr. Simpson ; Mr. 
 Jones said nothing, but he looked unutterable things. 
 At length he found words enough to touch upon the one 
 subject which was evidently nearest his heart, his thou- 
 sand pounds. 
 
 " I hope, Sir Oliver, you will see the necessity of letting 
 me have the books, or of returning, or at least guarantee- 
 ing the repayment of the money ?" 
 
 Who, 1 1 What have I to do with it ? I pay Nick's 
 debts 1 I answer for his swindling tricks 1 Not a stiver 
 never ! Let him pay it himself if he can't, so much 
 the better ! Catch him, transport him, hang him if 
 you can, all the better ! shall be quite delighted " 
 
 The head of the firm looked blank ; but a significant 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 265 
 
 glance from my mother somewhat reassured him ; he had 
 already witnessed the extent of her influence over her 
 brother ; he was a man of the world, and knew that this 
 was not the moment to press his suit ; so, like many a 
 profound statesman before him, he yielded to expediency, 
 and sat down with his friend Mr. Simpson to partake of 
 the baronet's hospitality, which, now that harmony was 
 restored, was again freely tendered them. 
 
 As the bottle circulated after dinner, Sir Oliver got 
 into a better humour, but his guests failed, after all, in 
 extracting from him anything like a " promise to pay ;" 
 and, declining the offered accommodation of a bed at the 
 Hall, the discomfited speculators in literature at length 
 returned to sleep at the nearest post-town, Mr. Jones 
 consoling himself with the reflection that he had, at all 
 events, two strings to his bow, and that if Sir Oliver 
 should continue obstinate, and he could once get Nicholas 
 " within his vice," he should, in all human probability, 
 extract from the father's fears what, it seemed, he was 
 nob to expect from his generosity. 
 
 Several minor miseries of a similar description had 
 been inflicted on the family during the interval between 
 the departure of Messrs. Jones and Simpson and my own 
 arrival : the sexton had called to " know about tolling 
 the bell," and the parish clerk, who, to his ecclesiastical 
 functions, superadded the lay occupation of an operative 
 bricklayer, had walked up " for orders" to enforce the 
 rotten jaws of the tomb of all the Bull winkles to open : 
 these intrusions, however, had been for the most part 
 confined to the servants' hall, and had never reached the 
 baronet. Still there was another and a more formidable 
 antagonist in ambuscade, who yet meditated a vigorous 
 attack upon him. 
 
 This was no less a personage than my Cousin Nicholas 
 himself, who, repulsed as he had been in open assault from 
 before the fortress, had since not only effected a lodgment 
 within its outworks, under the auspices, and with the 
 co-operation of a part of its garrison (Jennings), but was 
 actually preparing to carry the citadel itself by a coup 
 de main. 
 
2G6 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 Ak.s ! like many an enterprising soldier before him, the 
 general, renowned as lie was in domestic strategetics, for 
 once overrated liis powers, miscalculated his time, and 
 ruined his best chance by his own precipitancy. 
 
 Sir Oliver had been stoutly assailed in the morning by 
 my mother, who made her approaches precisely on the 
 side where his defences were weakest, the honour of the 
 family. The other debts of Nicholas he might deal with 
 as he pleased, and leave him to sutler for his imprudence 
 in contracting them ; but this affair of the books looked 
 so very like swindling, and obtaining money under false 
 pretences, that it was questionable whether any twelve 
 men in <: the county of Middlesex to wit," could be found 
 clear-sighted enough to distinguish the difference ; she 
 owned that she trembled for the result. Mr. Jones, at 
 parting, had " right little said," but there was a some- 
 thing ominous in his very silence, and his eye had carried 
 Newgate in its every glance. Jennings, too, had given 
 her a hint that one or two odd-looking people had since 
 been seen about the grounds. 
 
 Gracious powers ! a Bullwinkle at the Old Bailey ! 
 Shade of the immortal lloger ! that way madness lay ! 
 Open earth first, and swallow Underdown and all it con- 
 tained ! 
 
 * Though not so " wedded to the pedigree" as her 
 brother, Mrs. Stafford was yet sufficiently imbued with 
 the honest pride that exults in descending from a lineage 
 of which " all the sons were honourable, and all the 
 daughters virtuous :" she would have done much, and 
 borne much, to prevent a stain upon the family, which no 
 subsequent effort could obliterate. She thought, too, that 
 deserving as my cousin was of punishment, it should yet 
 stop short of that excess of severity which might drive 
 him to despair. She implored her brother to pause, to 
 consider the consequences which must follow the appre- 
 hension of the heir of the house on such a charge ; the 
 disgrace which, however unmerited, would infallibly attach 
 to all connected with him. She pressed him for her own 
 sake, for all our sakes, to replace the sum, and declared 
 that, should the raising it on the instant be in the 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 2C7 
 
 slightest degree inconvenient to him, she would joyfully 
 advance the money herself. 
 
 " No, no ; that's not it," returned the baronet, a little 
 staggered by the force of her representations ; " that's 
 not it. Curse the money ! there is enough of it in that 
 bureau at this moment to pay the trumpery sum twice 
 over. It is not that ; but to be choused, and bamboozled, 
 and humbugged. Sell the books ! Never I'll never for- 
 give him no, if he were kneeling now at my feet " 
 
 And there he was, there, the most contrite, the 
 most supplicatory of mankind in look and action, knelt 
 my Cousin Nicholas ! his arms crossed upon his breast, 
 and his eyes turned up with the expression of a male 
 Magdalen, barring the squint. 
 
 Under the cover of a tall Indian screen, covered with 
 little gold men in little gold funnel-shaped hats, with long 
 gold pigtails, and longer gold fishing-rods, standing on 
 short gold bridges, overtopped by tall gold pagodas, upon 
 a ground whose polished japan would have put Day and 
 Martin to open shame ; by favour of such a screen placed 
 just within the door of his " Snuggery," for the purpose 
 of preventing the draughts of heaven from visiting the 
 baronet's limbs too roughly, had Mr. Bull winkle followed 
 my mother unperceived into the little room where his 
 father usually transacted his " Justice business," and kept 
 his papers ; from the depth of this ambuscade in silence 
 had he witnessed the progress of her intercession. 
 
 The moment, he thought, was at length arrived when 
 a demonstration on his own part might effectually sustain 
 the attack of his auxiliary. 
 
 My Cousin Nicholas was never more mistaken in his 
 life. 
 
 The very sight of him seemed at once to bring back 
 the ebbing ire of Sir Oliver in tremendous refluence ; all 
 his newly-acquired mildness was dissipated in an instant, 
 and, to use the language of the present day, " the re- 
 action" was complete. 
 
 Nicholas was compelled to scud before the storm under 
 bare poles. He effected his retreat, indeed, but not 
 before his father had, in the exuberance of his wrath, 
 
2G8 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 launched at him an anathema which he vowed he would 
 never revoke but on the death-bed of one of them. 
 
 ccvca mens hoininum ! little did he then think how 
 soon, how very soon, he would have given worlds to 
 recall it ! but let me not anticipate. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 Last scene of all, 
 
 Which ends this strange eventful history. 
 
 SIIAKSPEAKI:. 
 
 A LATIT AT. CONVERSATION AND EXPLANATION. THE MIDNIGHT 
 HOUR. THE MORE HASTE THE LESS SPEED. THE ECLAIRCISSE- 
 MENT. THE DENOUEMENT. THE FALL OP THE LEAF. THE FALL 
 OF THE CURTAIN. 
 
 ONCE more ensconced among the " Curiosities of his 
 Museum," in the back attic, my Cousin Nicholas again lay 
 perdu, disheartened, but not subdued, when a sight which 
 he beheld from its solitary window rendered him for the 
 moment very little inclined to quit the safe retreat 
 afforded him by his asylum : this was the view of a tra- 
 velling-carriage and four, followed by out-riders in the 
 Manningham liveries, and advancing rapidly along the 
 road to the Hall. 
 
 My cousin was just now in no humour to see company, 
 especially when awkward recognitions might by possibility 
 take place. He resolved to keep close in his garret, and 
 not " be at home to anybody." 
 
 Nor were his conjectures without foundation. The 
 vehicle which he beheld contained the Viscount and 
 Fortescue, who, like myself, were brought to Underdown 
 by the fabricated paragraph. 
 
 Astonished at having received no intelligence of so 
 melancholy an event from his sister-in-law, and appre- 
 hensive as to the cause of her silence, Lord Manning! mm 
 Lad come in person to condole with, and oner her his best 
 attentions; but the " jolly good hoax" had by this time 
 
31 Y COUSIN NICHOLAS, 269 
 
 got wind through the medium of the Jones and Birdseye 
 gentiy, and his lordship had been undeceived as to the 
 baronet's supposed decease while changing horses at the 
 last stage. 
 
 His arrival, however, was by no means mal-ct^ropos ; 
 on the contrary, it appeared to act like oil upon the 
 billows of my uncle's wrath, and soothed him once more 
 into something resembling a calm, though the ground- 
 swell still continued to manifest itself for some time after. 
 But Sir Oliver had a great respect for his noble connec- 
 tion, and if Fortescue had never ranked very high in his 
 good graces, from the time of his " winging" my unfor- 
 tunate self, still his quiet and reserved habits had pre- 
 vented their coming much into contact, or even into col- 
 lision ; their presence had, in consequence, a very sedative 
 effect. 
 
 It will not be necessary to take my readers again over 
 the same ground which we have so recently travelled 
 together, or to speak of the astonishment of the new 
 comers at the impudence of the forgery, their conjectures 
 as to its author and his motives, or their congratulations 
 on its ascertained falsehood ; though all these topics were, 
 naturally enough, brought under revision by the party, 
 both before and after dinner. I hasten on to the narra- 
 tion of an event, which changed in one moment the whole 
 current of our thoughts, and produced a sensation, com- 
 pared with which all our previous agitation and excite- 
 ment might be called tranquillity. 
 
 The evening had closed in ; my mother and Miss Pye- 
 finch had long since sought their pillows, and I myself was 
 preparing to retire for the night. On ascending the great 
 staircase I encountered Fortescue, who had preceded me 
 by a few minutes. He was evidently in waiting for me, 
 and now made a quiet signal, in obedience to which I fol- 
 lowed him in silence to the apartment prepared for his 
 reception ; it was a room on the first floor, and imme- 
 diately over that which my uncle used to call his " Snug- 
 gery," the same in which the last interview between him 
 and my Cousin Nicholas has been recorded to have taken 
 place. 
 
270 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 We had left Sir Oliver and Lord Manningham deeply 
 engaged in conversation in the Cedar parlour, which was 
 on the other side of the house, and the door leading to 
 which opened from the farther extremity of the Hall. 
 
 The baronet, when I quitted the room, was a little 
 elevated ; either, in what he would consider the due dis- 
 charge of his duties as a host, he had somewhat exceeded 
 his customary potations, or the excitement which he had 
 previously undergone in the course of the morning had 
 given additional effect to his usual quantum. I know not 
 how it happened, but it was very evident that his vivacity 
 was increasing in exact proportion to the drowsiness of 
 which his visitor began to exhibit no equivocal symptoms 
 symptoms which Sir Oliver, who had now got fairly 
 astride upon his favourite hobby-horse, " the Family of 
 the Bullwinkles," could not, and would not, understand. 
 
 The baronet was riding au grand galop he had 
 reached as far as Sir Geoffrey Bullwinkle, who was killed 
 fighting ex parte regis at the fatal battle of Marston Moor, 
 before his noble auditor was fairly asleep ; and as his 
 native politeness had induced the latter to listen, or 
 sco in to listen, as long as nature could be persuaded to 
 countenance the venial hypocrisy, the raconteur did not 
 perceive the real condition of his patient till just upon the 
 stroke of midnight. 
 
 Fortescue and myself meanwhile were engaged in a 
 discussion, the sombre character of which suited well with 
 " the dead hour of night" at which it was carried on. 
 
 He was looking much paler and thinner than when I 
 had last seen him ; his melancholy seemed more intense ; 
 and from the involuntary twitching of the muscles about 
 his mouth, his whole nervous system appeared to be more 
 thoroughly shaken. 
 
 I adverted, in a tone of sympathy, to the fact. he at 
 once admitted it, and then, for the first time, I heard 
 from his own lips an avowal of that mysterious communion 
 which, as he was fully persuaded, continued still to exist 
 between his own spirit and that of his departed mistress, 
 an intercourse which he pronounced to be at once the 
 charm and the bane of his existence, 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 271 
 
 That he had been long since warned of some indefinite 
 danger threatening Amelia, that he had been incited at 
 first to protect, and afterwards to avenge her, that, 
 tinder this overpowering influence, he had found all the ties 
 of gratitude and humanity too weak to restrain him from his 
 destined task all this he now solemnly declared to me, 
 and that, too, with a degree of earnestness which left no 
 doubt of his own absolute conviction of the reality of his 
 visitation. 
 
 In vain did I endeavour to prove to him his delusion ; 
 in vain did I appeal to his reason, and even urge the fact 
 of his having been so entirely mistaken in the object of 
 his vengeance, as an irresistible argument of the fallacy of 
 his impression it staggered him, it is true, but it did not 
 convince him. 
 
 " ISTo, Charles," he replied, " your conclusion is a hasty 
 one. Since the unconscious error, which was fraught with 
 so much mischief to yourself, I have been more ill at ease 
 than ever ; an inward feeling seems constantly to harass 
 and upbraid me, not more for what I have done than for 
 what I have left unperformed ; there seems to be a deed 
 reserved for me a something yet to be executed, what 
 I know not,' ere the importunate demands of destiny 
 will be satisfied, and I may rest in peace. 
 
 " This it is which blanches my cheek and unnerves my 
 frame. I am ever in a state of vague and unnatural 
 excitement, anxious I know not why, apprehensive of 
 I know not what : this it is " 
 
 He paused for a slight sound like that of a stealthy foot- 
 step seemed at this moment to proceed from the corridor. 
 
 Not desiring an eavesdropper, I rose, and opened the 
 door, but there was no one to be seen, all was still ; and 
 I was about to close it again, when the great clock in the 
 hall struck One ! 
 
 Immediately after, the measured tread of Lord Man- 
 ningham was heard ascending, as his servant showed him 
 to his chamber. I listened in vain for that of my uncle ; 
 he did not follow, but, as I concluded, remained still 
 below. The noise of a closing door or two was heard, and 
 all was again silent. 
 
272 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 We renewed our conversation, and I my arguments and 
 persuasions. 
 
 Half an hour had perhaps elapsed, and our candles 
 were beginning to exhibit a most disproportionate length 
 of wick, when the ears of both of us were at once in- 
 vaded by a sound proceeding from the room immediately 
 beneath. 
 
 It was a protracted, harsh, and grating noise, as if pro- 
 duced by a saw or file. It ceased for a few moments, and 
 then again commenced. 
 
 Scarcely had we time to interchange a word on the 
 subject, when its character was altered. There was a 
 pause a scuffle a chair fell then we heard the half- 
 smothered accents of a stifled voice ; it sounded like the 
 cr of " murder ! " 
 
 I rushed to the door ; Fortescue, who had j ust before 
 thrown off his coat, seized the travelling pistols which he 
 had left undischarged upon the toilet, and followed in his 
 shirt sleeves. 
 
 As I reached the head of the staircase, I made '' a can- 
 non" between Miss Pyefinch, issuing from her bed-room 
 in her night-gear, and the banisters, we rolled down to 
 the lirst landing-place most lovingly together, Fortescue 
 sprang over our revolving bodies, and reached the hall 
 below ; in an instant after, the crash of a door burst 
 open, the sound of a pistol-shot, a heavy fall spoke 
 of mischief of injury of death ! 
 
 I recovered my feet in haste, and, without one word of 
 apology to my terrified companion, rushed downwards to 
 the hall. 
 
 Years have since rolled by, but never have I forgotten 
 never can I forget the scene which met my eyes. 
 
 The broad light of an autumnal moon shone full into 
 the little chamber which I have been describing, unchecked 
 even by the window, which was open. 
 
 In the door- way, and just within the entrance, two 
 figures were distinctly visible, the one leaning on the other 
 for support ; they were my Uncle Oliver and Fortescue : 
 more in the interior, and towards the centre of the apart- 
 ment, lay prostrate a form, which from the uncertainty of 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 273 
 
 the light, there intercepted by a projecting cornice, might, 
 or might not, be that of a human being. 
 
 My candle had been extinguished in my fall, Fortescue's 
 had been left above ; I stumbled over a third which had 
 been stricken from the hand that bore it ; but the house- 
 hold was by this time alarmed, servants were nocking in 
 from every quarter, and Lord Manningham himself, in his 
 robe de chambre, appeared upon the scene of action. 
 
 My Uncle Oliver was still clinging, with a grasp con- 
 vulsively tenacious, to the stalwart frame of Fortescue, 
 who supported him as the oak supports the ivy. On the 
 ground, with the head towards their feet and the face to 
 the floor, lay, indeed, the body of a man, still and motion- 
 less, while a thick but narrow line of the deepest crimson, 
 issuing from beneath the forehead, stagnated at the 
 distance of a yard, in a broad and curling pool, on the 
 surface of the stone-coloured carpet ! 
 
 The lights and the company multiplied ; Sir Oliver was 
 the first object of attention to all ; he was uninjured, save 
 by a slight wound on the back of one of his hands, but 
 breathless, and with his dress disordered and torn, us 
 from a violent struggle. 
 
 The prostrate form was next examined ; it was raised 
 from the ground, and, as the light flashed upon the 
 inanimate and blood-stained features, Lord Manningham 
 exclaimed " By Heaven ! the pretended Stafford ! " 
 and I, " My Cousin Nicholas !" 
 
 . " Then it is done ! and my weird is accomplished ! " 
 cried Fortescue, as, extricating himself from my uncle's 
 grasp, he staggered back into the hall, and sank in all 
 the feebleness of infancy upon a chair, a discharged 
 pistol fell from his hand as he spoke. 
 
 ***** 
 
 Let me draw a veil over this horrible event, the earlier 
 particulars of which could never be clearly ascertained, 
 for poor Uncle Oliver, who alone could have elucidated 
 the whole, never recovered the shock, but sank from that 
 fatal moment into childish imbecility. 
 
 From Fortescue, indeed, we gathered, in after-days, that, 
 guided by the sounds from, within, he had forced open the 
 
 T 
 
274 MY cotrstx NICHOLAS. 
 
 door with his foot ; that he had seen Sir Oliver, exhausted, 
 upon his knees, and a ruffian, with one hand twisted in 
 iny uncle's cravat, while the other grasped a weapon that 
 glittered in the moonbeam, and seemed in the very 
 act of descending on his unprotected head ; a moment 
 longer, and it would have been too late : he fired, and 
 the rescued victim staggered into his embrace, as the 
 assassin fell without a groan the ball had penetrated 
 his brain. 
 
 A sharp and heavy chisel, found on the spot from 
 which the corpse had been raised, corroborated this 
 account, while marks of violence, corresponding with the 
 instrument, which appeared upon the forced lock of the 
 bureau, bespoke the main let us hope the only purpose 
 for which it had been introduced. 
 
 Whether Sir Oliver, whose vigils, as we have seen, had 
 been prolonged beyond his wont, had been alarmed by 
 the noise produced in attempting his escritoir, or whether 
 lie had taken it into his head to pay a casual visit to his 
 " Snuggery " before retiring to bed, and there encoun- 
 tered the intruder, cannot be known ; that he had 
 detected him in the act of breaking into his depository 
 \vas clear : it was also evident that a personal conflict- 
 let us hope in mutual ignorance of their relative situations 
 had taken place between the parties. 
 
 That Nicholas had overheard his father's avowal, made 
 to niy mother, concerning the sums in the escritoir, was 
 almost certain ; that the apparent hopelessness of any 
 farther appeal to his exasperated father at present, the 
 pursuit of the officers, and, above all, the arrival of Lord 
 Manningham, who would be sure to recognize him if 
 seen, that all these circumstances combined to make 
 him desperate, was most probable. 
 
 In all likelihood, finding it impossible to remain long 
 undetected in his present retreat, he had determined on 
 possessing himself of the property which he had heard 
 was in the bureau, and on putting into execution his pre- 
 viously avowed design of retiring for a while to the Con- 
 tinent, where the sums he had collected, and that which 
 he thus expected to secure, would support him till cir- 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 275 
 
 cumstances might render his return to England safe and 
 advisable. The fatal result of his unprincipled attempt 
 we have already seen. 
 
 ***** 
 
 But little of this eventful history remains to be told ; 
 for the satisfaction, however, of those who have travelled 
 thus far with me through the chameleon life of my 
 unfortunate cousin, and who may condescend to take an 
 interest in the fortunes of those associated with him, I 
 may be permitted to state that my poor uncle Sir Oliver 
 did not survive the loss of his son many months, and 
 never awoke to a full consciousness of his misfortune. He 
 wasted gradually away, and, without any decided disease 
 to which Drench could give a name, became as a blighted 
 and a withered tree. He ate the food set before him ; 
 but, as Miss Pyefinch often observed, " it seemed to do 
 him no sort of good." He seldom spoke, and still more 
 rarely quitted his chamber ; there were times, however, 
 when, from his inquiring glances, we fancied that he par- 
 tially recognized those about him ; but he never confirmed 
 that opinion by words. 
 
 It was in the twilight of an autumnal evening, in the 
 course of the following year, that the gamekeeper's son, a 
 boy of fourteen, had, in. the temporary absence of the 
 family, taken his father's gun, attracted by a flight of 
 pigeon-fieldfares, which had alighted among the berries of 
 the shrubbery ; a projecting buttress of the building 
 offered him concealment, and from beneath its covert he 
 made his shot. Sir Oliver, now quite enfeebled and un- 
 conscious, as usual, of all about him, was in a room above. 
 
 At the report of the piece he sprang from his seat with 
 a vigour which to his attendants seemed little less than 
 miraculous, and, with a shriek that long after rang in 
 their ears, exclaimed, " Hold ! Hold your hand, I say ! 
 don't fire ! 'tis my boy 'tis Nicholas !" 
 
 A servant caught him as he was falling, and conveyed 
 him to a couch ; but his weary course was ended, his 
 heart-strings had given way, Sir Oliver Bullwinkle was 
 dead! 
 
 Fortescue quitted England, as he declared, for ever, 
 T 2 
 
276 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 soon after the fatal catastrophe in which he had taken so 
 unfortunate a share. The accident of the real insulter of 
 Amelia having fallen by his hand, only the more strongly 
 confirmed him in his melancholy delusion. 
 
 Without assuming the shape of decided insanity, his 
 eccentricities became more and more apparent. We have 
 often heard from him during his wanderings, which have 
 extended over no inconsiderable portion of the habitable 
 globe. Our last accounts were from India, and spoke of 
 ill-health and increasing debility. " He had returned," 
 he said, " to Hindostan, in obedience to a summons from 
 Matilda, to lay his bones beside those of his early love." 
 
 Captain Pyefinch is no more : he did not long survive 
 the last of the Bullwinkles. For the first time in his life, 
 perhaps, a tear was seen to trickle down his cheek as he 
 beheld his old friend and companion consigned to the 
 " narrow house ;" and from that moment, though little 
 alteration was to be perceived in his ever-placid de- 
 meanour, yet he too seemed to grow thinner and thinner : 
 his nose became as sharp as a pen, and he looked as if he 
 had no longer anybody to hold his tongue to. 
 
 His passing out of the world was, like the whole 
 tenor of his existence in it, quiet and tranquil. One 
 morning he did not come down to breakfast ; more mar- 
 vellous still, he was absent from the dinner-table. Drench 
 repaired to his bedside, felt his pulse, looked at his tongue, 
 and asked him " How he found himself?" The patient 
 laid his hand upon his heart, looked wistfully in the 
 doctor's face, and said, " Queer !" " What was the matter 
 with him? What were his symptoms?" " Un-com 
 f or t a ble," whispered the poor captain and expired ! 
 Drench is decidedly of opinion that he died of suffocation 
 produced by the length of the polysyllable. 
 
 But Miss Kitty is yet alive, and likely to live still 
 devoted to the worship of the muses, and youthful as 
 ever save that she has grown a little deaf. 
 
 Without abandoning the service of Polyhymnia, she 
 has been coquetting much of late with her severer sister, 
 who presides over Political Economy. She has become in 
 consequence more thoroughly ingrained than even of yore 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 277 
 
 with the prevailing tint that marks what the most elo- 
 quent and impassioned auctioneer of this world or of 
 any other once denominated " the Azure, Blue, Czeru- 
 lean vault of Heaven." 
 
 For much of her deepened dye, she is indebted to 
 the celebrated Dr. Olinthus Broadback, of the "Grand 
 National Institute of Intellectual Chimney-sweepers." 
 
 This erudite professor, in one of his itinerant excursions, 
 undertaken for the purpose of enlightening every provin- 
 cial ignoramus, happened to include Underdown in his 
 circle, and to deliver, in the great room at the Saracen's 
 Head, a series of lectures, at the trifling charge of two- 
 pence each person. 
 
 In the course of these interesting disquisitions, the 
 philosopher demonstrated incontestably that the sun is 
 not a soot-bag, nor the moon made of cream-cheese ; that 
 any opposite opinions which may have prevailed are 
 " vulgar errors," originally introduced by the late Lord 
 Londonderry, and since countenanced by Sir Eobert Peel 
 and " the Tories," for the mere purpose of " trampling " 
 on the " useful classes." 
 
 Miss Pyefinch was first the attentive and delighted 
 auditor, and then the friend and correspondent of this 
 gifted individual. Together did they walk hand-in-hand 
 through the labyrinths of statistical lore. To her did he 
 communicate his wonderful discoveries in all the vast 
 variety of " inities " and " ologies " to him did she 
 submit her album. Nay, it has been positively asserted 
 that the last entry in that splendid collection of fugitive 
 poetry is from the doctor's own inspired pen. If Fame 
 speaks truth * in this respect, the effusion is the more 
 valuable as being the only accredited specimen of his 
 muse ; for, with all his unrivalled talents, the " Gods have 
 not made him poetical." It is some vague perception of 
 this kind, perhaps, which may have given birth to his 
 concluding stanza, which runs thus : 
 
 "Hindi 'em pinch 'em, barley-straw ! 
 Nineteen pinches is the law ! 
 Pinch not now, but pinch me then, 
 Piuch me when I rhyme again 1 " 
 
278 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 A rumour has gone forth that this platonic affection is 
 likely to end like many other platonic affections, in warmer 
 sympathies, and to " eventuate," as the doctor calls it, in 
 a matrimonial connection. 
 
 The only objection to this story is, that in principle the 
 lady is avowedly become a decided Malthusian, speaks 
 with horror of " thoughtless procreation," and looks 
 forward with alarm to no very distant period when the 
 world shall be destroyed by its human vermin, as a ripe 
 Stilton cheese is devoured by its own mites. 
 
 She has discarded her flaxen ringlets, laughs at fashion, 
 and is learning to smoke cigars. 
 
 In her last " Essay on Propagation/* she laid it down 
 as an axiom that those parts of the globe where polygamy 
 prevails are the most thinly inhabited, and thence infers 
 that the only way to prevent excess of population is for 
 every man to have half a dozen wives at once. She is 
 said to be much in the confidence of a certain minister of 
 state, and is grievously suspected by the Bishop of Exeter 
 to have had a hand in framing sundry questionable clauses 
 in the new " Poor-law Bill," which are thought to press 
 hard on the comforts of those who " love not wisely, but 
 too well." I was told at the club, last Wednesday, that 
 she is now projecting a voyage to the West Indies, for 
 the purpose of watching the progress of procreation among 
 the emancipated negroes. 
 
 The Reverend Josiah Pozzlethwayte has lately attained 
 his grand climacteric. His academical labours came to an 
 abrupt termination some few years since, by the falling in 
 of a valuable college living in a midland county, and he is 
 now the respected incumbent of Slopton Boozle, with the 
 vicarage of Soakingham- annexed. He is happy in the 
 possession of a comfortable income, a snug parsonage, 
 and a housekeeper who delighteth in cherry-coloured 
 ribbons, 
 
 Though no longer resident, Mr. Pozzlethwayte is a 
 frequent visitor at Oxford, and at the last Installation 
 was honoured by the especial notice of his Grace the 
 j)uko of Wellington himself, that illustrous chancellor 
 condescending to inquire, with much seemir< r 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 79 
 
 and characteristic rapidity, " Inglis, who is that d d odd- 
 looking fellow in the wig 1 " 
 
 So glorious a close to his long and laborious career is 
 justly considered a subject of great congratulation by his 
 friends. 
 
 Drench, though somewhat fallen into the "sear aud 
 yellow leaf," is still, to use his own language, "as hearty 
 as a buck," thanks to an excellent constitution, and never 
 taking his own medicines. The end of his pigtail, to be 
 sure, is become white, and contrasts well with the sable 
 shalloon that unites it to his occiput ; but then, per contra, 
 his nose is redder than ever, and no man in all Under- 
 down has a keener relish for his glass of old port and his 
 rubber of long whist. 
 
 He has long since retired from the active duties of his 
 profession, and having consigned his hiera picra to a 
 younger hand, enjoys his otiuni cum diynitate on an 
 adequate independence, honourably acquired. 
 
 Some months before his final resolution to " throw 
 physic to the dogs," a sharp attack of bile confined him 
 to his room, and thirteen disbanded army surgeons came 
 down on the outside of the "Tally-ho," and settled them- 
 selves at Underdown, in anticipation of a vacancy ; but the 
 Doctor's stamina carried him through, and soon after his 
 recovery he seized an opportunity of disposing of his 
 practice to an eminent Irish professor of the healing art, 
 inventor and sole proprietor of the " Reanimating Mineral 
 Pill." 
 
 The fame of this celebrated panacea is now great in 
 Underdown and its vicinity, for though two or three per- 
 verse verdicts, under " crowner's quest law," have recently 
 cast a shade of suspicion on its virtues with the incredulous, 
 yet, as its learned proprietor very classically observes, 
 
 " Magnum sunt veritatem et prsevalebit." 
 
 Among the better disposed and more enlightened, a 
 single bushel of these invaluable Boluses is still considered 
 as generally sufficient for the cure of all human com- 
 plaints. 
 
 My noble and gallant father-in-law is receiving, in a 
 
280 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
 higher and happier state of existence, the reward of a life 
 passed here in the faithful and active discharge of every 
 duty which they who are placed by Providence in exalted 
 stations owe to their country and to mankind. A splendid 
 funeral, attended by the magnates of the land, and a 
 monument in Westminster Abbey, erected at the public 
 expense, were the tribute paid by his country's gratitude 
 to his public merits. Sorrow unfeigned, and affectionate 
 regret, were the homage, as genuine, if less ostentatious, 
 rendered, by a large social circle, to his private virtues. 
 
 At his decease, the family honours of course devolved 
 upon myself. Lady Manningham, in whom my fondest 
 hopes have found their accomplishment, has presented 
 me with five good-looking children, who, if not absolutely 
 " little angels," as my friend Kitty would once have called 
 them, are well-formed, healthy, and robust. 
 
 When not detained in London by my parliamentary 
 duties, we usually pass our time alternately at the Abbey 
 and the Hall, which latter, together with the surrounding 
 domain, became my property by succession, and has since 
 been settled as the appanage of my second son, Oliver 
 Stafford. 
 
 There are times when, we have the authority of one 
 who was himself a statesman for believing, " the post 
 of honour is a private station ;" and though I never have 
 shrunk, nor ever shall shrink, from doing what I consider 
 my duty towards the country which has given me birth, I 
 have little encouragement, and less inclination, at present 
 to embark upon the stormy sea of politics. As a husband, 
 a father, and a resident landlord, I have full and pleasing 
 occupation for my time. My children are educated under 
 my own eye and that of their excellent mother, by a pious 
 and learned divine of our venerable church, who officiates 
 also as my chaplain. They are brought up in the fear of 
 God and the love of their fellow-creatures ; and when we 
 see, as we sometimes do see, in the exuberant liveliness of 
 their animal spirits, any tendency to extravagant and prac- 
 tical jokes, or to self-indulgence at the expense of others, 
 we fail not to inculcate upon them the too lightly regarded 
 axiom, that IMPUDENCE is NOT HUMOUR, NOR MISCHIEF 
 
MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 281 
 
 WIT; THAT LEVITY, IF UNCHECKED BY PRINCIPLE, MAY 
 
 DEGENERATE INTO VICE, AND TERMINATE IN CRIME. 
 
 It is our constant aim not to throw unnecessarily a 
 damp upon the light and buoyant spirit of youthful 
 hilarity, but to confine that spirit within the limits set 
 by reason and religion j to check all outrageous and in- 
 jurious follies, and to 
 
 " Warn the frolic and instruct the gay," 
 
 by setting before them in distinct, if sombre colours, the 
 melancholy 
 
 END OF MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 
 
THE TRANCE, 
 
 A SINGULAR PASSAGE IN THE LIFE OF THE LATE 
 HENRY HARRIS, DOCTOR IN DIVINITY. 
 
 AS DELATED BY THE REV. JASPER INGOLDSBY, M.A., 
 HIS FRIEND AND EXECUTOR. 
 
 IN order that the extraordinary circumstance which I 
 ain about to relate may meet with the credit it deserves, 
 I think it necessary to premise, that my reverend friend, 
 among whose papers I find it recorded, was, in his life- 
 time, ever esteemed as a man of good plain understanding, 
 strict veracity, and unimpeached morals by no means of 
 a nervous temperament, or one likely to attach undue 
 weight to any occurrence out of the common course of 
 events, merely because his reflections might not, at the 
 moment, afford him a ready solution of its difficulties. 
 
 On the truth of his narrative, as far as he was per- 
 sonally concerned, no one who knew him would hesitate 
 to place the most implicit reliance. His history is briefly 
 this : He had married early in life, arid was a widower 
 at the age of thirty-nine, with an only daughter, who had 
 then arrived at puberty, and was just married to a near 
 connection of our own family. The sudden death of her 
 husband, occasioned by a fall from his horse, only three 
 days after her confinement, was abruptly communicated 
 
 to Mrs. S by a thoughtless girl, who saw her master 
 
 brought lifeless into the house, and, with all that inexpli- 
 cable anxiety to be the first to tell bad news, so common 
 among the lower orders, rushed at once into the sick- 
 
284 THE TRANCE. 
 
 room with her intelligence. The shock was too severe ; 
 and, though the young widow survived the fatal event 
 several months, yet she gradually sunk under the blow, 
 and expired, leaving a boy, not a twelvemonth old, to the 
 care of his maternal grandfather. 
 
 My poor friend was sadly shaken by this melancholy 
 catastrophe ; time, however, and a strong religious feel- 
 ing, succeeded at length in moderating the poignancy of 
 his grief a consummation much advanced by his infant 
 charge, who now succeeded, as it were by inheritance, to 
 the place in his affections left vacant by his daughter's 
 
 decease. Frederick S grew up to be a fine lad ; his 
 
 person and features were decidedly handsome ; still there 
 was, as I remember, an unpleasant expression in his coun- 
 tenance, and an air of reserve, attributed, by the few 
 persons who called occasionally at the vicarage, to the 
 retired life led by his grandfather, and the little opportu- 
 nity he had, in consequence, of mixing in the society of 
 his equals in age and intellect. Brought up entirely at 
 home, his progress in the common branches of education 
 was, without any great display of precocity, rather in 
 advance of the generality of boys of his own standing ; 
 partly owing, perhaps, to the turn which even his amuse- 
 ments took from the first. His sole associate was the son 
 of the village apothecary, a boy about two years older 
 than himself, whose father, being really clever in his pro- 
 fession, and a good operative chemist, had constructed for 
 himself a small laboratory, in which, as he was fond of 
 children, the two boys spent a great portion of their 
 leisure time, witnessing many of those little experiments 
 so attractive to youth, and in time aspiring to imitate 
 what they admired. 
 
 In such society, it is not surprising that Frederick 
 
 S should imbibe a strong taste for the sciences which 
 
 formed his principal amusement ; or that, when, in process 
 of time, it became necessary to choose his walk in life, a 
 profession so intimately connected with his favourite pur- 
 suit as that of medicine, should be eagerly selected. Xo 
 opposition was offered by my friend, who, knowing that 
 the greater part of his own income would expire with Tiis 
 
THE TRANCE. 285 
 
 life, and that the remainder would prove an insufficient 
 resource to his grandchild, was only anxious that he 
 should follow such a path as would secure him that mode- 
 rate and respectable competency which is, perhaps, more 
 conducive to real happiness than a more elevated or 
 wealthy station. Frederick was, accordingly, at the 
 proper age, matriculated at Oxford, with the view of 
 studying the higher branches of medicine, a few months 
 
 after his friend, John W , had proceeded to Ley den, 
 
 for the .purpose of making himself acquainted with the 
 practice of surgery in the hospitals and lecture-rooms 
 attached to that university. The boyish intimacy of 
 their younger days did not, as is frequently the case, 
 yield to separation ; on the contrary, a close correspond- 
 ence was kept up between them. Dr. Harris was even 
 prevailed upon to allow Frederick to take a trip to 
 Holland to see his friend ; and John returned the visit 
 to Frederick at Oxford. 
 
 Satisfactory as, for some time, were the accounts of the 
 
 general course of Frederick S 's studies, by degrees 
 
 rumours of a less pleasant nature reached the ears of 
 some of his friends : to the vicarage, however, I have 
 reason to believe they never penetrated. The good old 
 Doctor was too well beloved in the parish for any one 
 voluntarily to give him pain ; and, after all, nothing 
 
 beyond whispers and surmises had reached X , when 
 
 the worthy vicar was surprised on a sudden by a request 
 from his grandchild that he might be permitted to take 
 his name off the books of the university, and proceed to 
 
 finish his education in conjunction with his friend W 
 
 at Leyden. Such a proposal, made, too, at a time when 
 the period for his graduating could not be far distant, 
 both surprised and grieved the Doctor ; he combated the 
 design with more perseverance than he had ever been 
 known to exert in opposition to any declared wish of his 
 darling boy before, but, as usual, gave way when more 
 strongly pressed, from sheer inability to persist in a 
 refusal which seemed to give so much pain to Frederick, 
 especially when the latter, with more energy than AMIS 
 quite becoming their relative situations, expressed his 
 
286 THE TRANCE. 
 
 positive determination of not returning to Oxford, what- 
 ever might be the result of his grandfather's decision. 
 My friend, his mind perhaps a little weakened by a short 
 but severe nervous attack, which he had scarcely recovered 
 from, at length yielded a reluctant consent, and Frederick 
 quitted England. 
 
 It was not till some months had elapsed after his de- 
 parture, that I had reason to suspect that the eager desire 
 of availing himself of opportunities for study abroad, not 
 afforded him at home, was not the sole, or even*the prin- 
 cipal reason, which had drawn Frederick so abruptly from 
 his Alma Mater. A chance visit to the university, and a 
 conversation with a senior fellow belonging to his late 
 college, convinced me of this ; still I found it impossible 
 to extract from the latter the precise nature of his offence. 
 That he had given way to most culpable indulgences, I 
 had before heard hinted ; and when I recollected how 
 lie had been at once launched from a state of what might 
 be well called seclusion, into a world where so many en- 
 ticements were lying in wait to allure, with liberty, 
 example, everything to tempt him from the straight road, 
 regret, I frankly own, was more the predominant feeling 
 in my mind than either surprise or condemnation. But 
 here was evidently something more than mere ordinary 
 excess some act of profligacy, perhaps of a deeper stain, 
 which had induced his superiors, who at first had been 
 loud in his praises, to desire him to withdraw himself 
 quietly, but for ever ; and such an intimation, I found, 
 had, in fact, been conveyed to him from an authority 
 which it was impossible to resist. Seeing that my in- 
 formant was determined not to be explicit, I did not 
 press for a disclosure, which, if made, would, in all pro- 
 bability, only have given me pain, and that the rather, as 
 my old friend the Doctor had recently obtained a valuable 
 
 living from Lord M , only a few miles distant from 
 
 the market-town in which I resided, where he now was, 
 amusing himself in putting his grounds into order, orna- 
 menting his house, and getting everything ivady against 
 his grandson's expected visit in the following autumn. 
 October came, and with it cume Frederick. He rode over 
 
THE TRANCE. 287 
 
 more than once to see me, sometimes accompanied by the 
 Doctor, between whom and myself the recent loss of my 
 daughter Louisa had drawn the chords of sympathy still 
 closer. 
 
 More than two years had flown on in this way, in 
 which Frederick S had as many times made tem- 
 porary visits to his native country. The time was fast 
 approaching when he was expected to return, and finally 
 take up his residence in England, when the sudden illness 
 of my wife's father obliged us to take a journey into 
 Lancashire, my old friend, who had himself a curate, 
 kindly offering to fix his quarters at my parsonage, and 
 superintend the concerns of my parish till my return. 
 Alas ! when I saw him next he was on the bed of 
 death ! 
 
 My absence was necessarily prolonged much beyond 
 what I had anticipated. A letter, with a foreign post- 
 mark, had, as I afterwards found, been brought over from 
 his own house to my venerable substitute in the interval, 
 and, barely giving himself time to transfer the charge he 
 had undertaken to a neighbouring clergyman, he had 
 hurried off at once to Leyden. His arrival there was, 
 however, too late. Frederick was dead ! killed in a duel, 
 occasioned, it was said, by no ordinary provocation on his 
 part, although the flight of his antagonist had added to 
 the mystery which enveloped its origin. The long journey, 
 its melancholy termination, and the complete overthrow 
 of all my poor friend's earthly hopes, were too much for 
 him. He appeared too, as I was informed by the pro- 
 prietor of the house in which I found him, when his 
 summons at length had brought me to his bed-side, to 
 have received some sudden and unaccountable shock, 
 which even the death of his grandson was inadequate to 
 explain. There was, indeed, a wildness in his fast-glazing 
 eye, which mingled strangely with the glance of satisfac- 
 tion thrown upon me as he pressed my hand. He endea- 
 voured to raise himself, and would have spoken, but fell 
 back in the effort, and closed his eyes for ever. I buried 
 him there, by the side of the object of his more than 
 parental affection, in a foreign land. 
 
288 THE TRANCE. 
 
 It is from the papers that I discovered in his travelling- 
 case that I submit the following extracts, without, how- 
 ever, presuming to advance an opinion on the strange 
 circumstances which they detail, or even as to the con- 
 nection which some may fancy they discover between 
 different parts of them. 
 
 The first was evidently written at my own house, and 
 bears date August the 15th, 18 , about three we<jks 
 after my own departure for Preston. 
 
 It begins thus : 
 
 " TUESDAY, AUGUST 15. Poor girl ! I forget who it is 
 that says, l the real ills of life are light in comparison 
 with fancied evils ;' and certainly the scene I have just 
 witnessed goes some way towards establishing the truth 
 of the hypothesis. Among the afflictions which flesh is 
 heir to, a diseased imagination, is far from being the 
 lightest, even when considered separately, and without 
 taking into the account those bodily pains and sufferings 
 which so close is the connection between mind and 
 matter are but too frequently attendant upon any dis- 
 order of the fancy. Seldom has my interest been more 
 powerfully excited than by poor Mary Graham. Her 
 age, her appearance, her pale, melancholy features, the 
 very contour of her countenance, all conspired to remind 
 me, but too forcibly, of one who, waking or sleeping, is 
 never long absent from my thoughts; but enough of this. 
 
 " A fine morning had succeeded one of the most tem- 
 pestuous nights I ever remember, and I was just sitting 
 down to a substantial breakfast, which the care of my 
 friend Ingoldsby's housekeeper, kind-hearted Mrs. AVilsou, 
 had prepared for me, when I was interrupted by a sum- 
 mons to the sick-bed of a young parishioner whom I had 
 frequently seen in my walks, and had remarked for the 
 regularity of her attendance at Divine worship. Mary 
 Graham is the elder of two daughters residing with their 
 mother, the widow of an attorney, who, dying suddenly 
 in the prime of life, left his family but slenderly provided 
 for. A strict, though not parsimonious economy, has, 
 however, enabled them to live with an appearance of 
 
THE TRAXCE. 289 
 
 respectability mid comfort ; and from the personal at- 
 tractions which both the girls possess, their mother is 
 evidently not . without hopes of seeing one, at least, of 
 thorn advantageously settled in life. As far as poor Mary 
 is concerned, I fear she is doomed to inevitable disap- 
 pointment, as I am much mistaken if consumption has 
 not laid its wasting finger upon her ; while this last recur- 
 rence, of what I cannot but believe to be a most formid- 
 able epileptic attack, threatens to shake out, with even 
 added velocity, the little sand that may yet remain within 
 the hour-glass of time. Her very delusion, too, is of such 
 a nature as, by adding to bodily illness the agitation of 
 superstitious terror, can scarcely fail to accelerate the 
 catastrophe which I think I see fast approaching. 
 
 " Before I was introduced into the sick-room, her sister, 
 who had been watching my arrival from the window, took 
 me into their little parlour, and, after the usual civilities, 
 began to prepare me for the visit I was about to pay. 
 Her countenance was marked at once with trouble and 
 alarm, and in. a low tone of voice, which some internal 
 emotion, rather than the fear of disturbing the invalid in 
 a distant room, had subdued almost to a whisper, in- 
 formed me that my presence was become necessary, not 
 more as a clergyman than a magistrate ; that the disorder 
 with which her sister had, during the night, been so 
 suddenly and unaccountably seized, was one of no common 
 kind, but attended with circumstances which, coupled 
 with the declarations of the sufferer, took it out of all 
 ordinary calculations, and, to use her own expression, that 
 ' malice was at the bottom of it.' 
 
 " Naturally supposing that these insinuations were in- 
 tended to intimate the partaking of some deleterious 
 substance on the part of the invalid, I inquired what 
 reason she had for imagining, in the first place, that any- 
 thing of a poisonous nature had been administered at 
 all ; and, secondly, what possible incitement any human 
 being could have for the perpetration of so foul a deed 
 towards so innocent and unoffending an individual ? Her 
 answer considerably relieved the apprehensions I had 
 begun to entertain lest the poor girl should, from some 
 
 'U 
 
290 THE TRANCE. 
 
 Unknown cause, have herself been attempting to rush 
 uncalled into the presence of her Creator ; at the same 
 time, it surprised rne not a little by its apparent want of 
 rationality and common sense. She had no reason to 
 believe, she said, that her sister had taken poison, or that 
 any attempt upon her life had been made, or was perhaps 
 contemplated ; but that ' still malice was at work/ the 
 malice of villains or fiends, or of both combined ; that no 
 causes purely natural would suffice to account for the 
 state in which her sister had been now twice placed, or 
 for the dreadful sufferings she Lad undergone while in 
 that state ; and that she was determined the whole affair 
 should undergo a thorough investigation. Seeing that 
 the poor girl was now herself labouring under a great 
 degree ot excitement, I did not think it necessary to 
 enter at that moment into a discussion upon the absurdity 
 of her opinion, but applied myself to the tranquillizing 
 her mind by assurances of a proper inquiry, and then 
 drew her attention to the symptoms ot the indisposition, 
 and the way in which it had first made its appearance. 
 
 " The violence of the storm last night had, I found, in- 
 duced the whole family to sit up far beyond their usual 
 hour, till, wearied out at length, and, as their mother ob- 
 served, ' tired of burning fire and candle to no purpose,' 
 they retired to their several chambers. 
 
 " The sisters occupied the same room ; Elizabeth was 
 already at their humble toilet, and had commenced the 
 arrangement of her hair for the night, when her attention 
 was at once drawn from her employment by a half- 
 smothered shriek and exclamation from her sister, who, 
 in her delicate state of health, had found walking up two 
 flights of stairs, perhaps a little more quickly than usual, 
 an exertion, to recover from, which she had seated herself 
 in a large arm-chair. 
 
 " Turning hastily at the sound, she perceived Mary 
 deadly pale, grasping, as it were convulsively, each arm 
 of the chair which supported her, and bending forward in 
 the attitude of listening ; her lips were trembling and 
 bloodless, cold drops of perspiration stood upon her fore- 
 head, and ia au instant after, exclaiming in a piercing 
 
THE TRANCE. "291 
 
 tone, ' Hark ! they are calling me again ! it is it is the 
 same voice I Oh no ! no ! Oh, my God ! save me, Betsy, 
 hold me, save me !' she fell forward upon the floor. 
 Elizabeth flew to her assistance, raised her, and by her 
 cries brought both her mother, who had not yet got into 
 bed, and their only servant-girl, to her aid. The latter 
 was despatched at once for medical help ; but, from the 
 appearance of the sufferer, it was much to be feared that 
 she would soon be beyond the reach of art. Her agonized 
 parent and sister succeeded in bearing her between them 
 and placing her on a bed : a faint and intermittent 
 pulsation was for a while perceptible ; but in a few 
 moments a general shudder shook the whole body ; the 
 pulse ceased, the eyes became fixed and glassy, the jaw 
 dropped, a cold clamminess usurped the place of the genial 
 
 warmth of life. Before Mr. I arrived, everything 
 
 announced that dissolution had taken place, and that the 
 freed spirit had quitted its mortal tenement. 
 
 " The appearance of the surgeon confirmed their worst 
 apprehensions ; a vein was opened, but the blood refused 
 
 to flow, and Mr. I announced that the vital spark 
 
 was indeed extinguished. 
 
 u The poor mother, whose attachment to her children 
 was perhaps the more powerful, as they were the sole 
 relatives or connections she had in the world, was over- 
 whelmed with a grief amounting almost to frenzy ; it was 
 with difficulty that she was removed to her own room by 
 the united strength of her daughter and medical adviser. 
 Nearly an hour had elapsed during the endeavour at 
 calming her transports ; they had succeeded, however, to 
 
 a certain extent, and Mr. I had taken his leave, when 
 
 Elizabeth, re-entering the bedchamber in which her sister 
 lay, in order to pay the last sad duties to her corpse, was 
 horror-struck at seeing a crimson stream of blood running 
 down the side of the counterpane to the floor. Her 
 exclamation brought the girl again to her side, when it 
 was perceived, to their astonishment, that the sanguine 
 stream proceeded from the arm of the body, which was 
 now manifesting signs of returning life. The half-frantic 
 mother flew to the room, and it was with difficulty that 
 u 2 
 
292 THE TRANCE. 
 
 they could prevent her, in her agitation, from so acting as 
 to extinguish for ever the hope which had begun to rise 
 in their bosoms. A long-drawn sigh, amounting almost 
 to a groan, followed by several convulsive gaspings, was 
 the prelude to the restoration of the animal functions in 
 poor Mary ; a shriek, almost preternaturally loud, con- 
 sidering her state of exhaustion, succeeded ; but she did 
 recover, and with the help of restoratives, was well enough 
 towards morning to express a strong desire that I should 
 be sent for, a desire the more readily complied with, 
 inasmuch as the strange expressions and declarations she 
 had made since her restoration to consciousness, had filled 
 her sister with the most horrible suspicions. The nature 
 of these suspicions was such as would at any other time, 
 perhaps, have raised a smile upon my lips ; but the dis- 
 tress, and even agony of the poor girl, as she half-hinted 
 and half-expressed them, were such as entirely to preclude 
 every censation at all approaching to mirth. Without 
 endeavouring, therefore, to combat ideas, evidently too 
 strongly impressed upon her mind at the moment to 
 admit of present refutation, I merely used a few encou- 
 raging words, and requested her to precede me to the 
 sick-chamber. 
 
 " The invalid was lying on the outside of the bed, 
 partly dressed, and wearing a white dimity wrapping- 
 gown, the colour of which corresponded but too well with 
 the deadly paleness of her complexion. Her cheek was 
 wan and sunken, giving an extraordinary prominence to 
 her eye, which gleamed with a lustrous brilliancy not 
 imfrequently characteristic of the aberration of intellect. 
 I took her hand ; it was chill and clammy ; the pulse 
 feeble and intermittent, and the general debility of her 
 frame was such, that I would fain have persuaded her to 
 defer any conversation which, in her present state, she 
 might not be equal to support. Her positive assurance 
 that, until she had disburdened herself of what she called 
 her < dreadful secret,' she could know no rest eithe rof 
 mind or body, at length induced me to comply with her 
 wish, opposition to which, in her then frame of mind, 
 might perhaps be attended with even, worse effects than 
 
THE TRANCE. 293 
 
 its indulgence. I bowed acquiescence, and in a low and 
 faltering voice, with frequent interruptions, occasioned by 
 lier weakness, she gave me the following singular account 
 of the sensations which she averred had been experienced 
 by her during her trance : 
 
 " ' This, sir,' she began, 'is not the first time that the 
 cruelty of others has, for what purpose I am unable to 
 conjecture, put me to a degree of torture which I can 
 compare to 110 suffering, either of body or mind, which I 
 have ever before experienced. On a former occasion I 
 was willing to believe it the mere effect of a hideous 
 dream, or what is vulgarly termed the nightmare ; but 
 this repetition, and the circumstances under which I was 
 last summoned, at a time too when I had not even com- 
 posed myself to rest, fatally convince me of the reality of 
 what I have seen and suffered. 
 
 " ' This is no time for concealments of any kind. It is 
 now more than a twelvemonth since I was in the habit 
 of occasionally encountering in my walks a young man of 
 prepossessing appearance and gentlemanly deportment : 
 he was always alone, and generally reading ; but I could 
 not be long in doubt that these rencounters, which became 
 every week more frequent, were not the effect of accident, 
 or that his attention, when we did meet, was less directed 
 to his book than to my sister and myself. He even 
 seemed to wish to address us, and I have no doubt would 
 have taken some other opportunity of doing so, had not 
 one been afforded him by a strange dog attacking us ono 
 Sunday morning in our way to church, which he beat off, 
 and made use of this little service to promote an acquaint- 
 ance. His name, he said, was Francis Somers, and added 
 that he was on a visit, to a relation of the same name, 
 resident a few miles from X r ~. He gave us to under- 
 stand that he was himself studying surgery, with the view 
 to a medical appointment in one of the colonies. You 
 are not to suppose, sir, that he had entered thus into his 
 concerns at the first interview ; it was not till our 
 acquaintance had ripened, and he had visited our house 
 more than once, with iny mother's .sanction, that these 
 
294 THE TRANCE. 
 
 particulars were elicited. He never disguised, from the 
 first, that an attachment to myself was his object origi- 
 nally in introducing himself to our notice ; as his prospects 
 were comparatively flattering, my mother did not raise 
 any impediment to his attentions, and I own I received 
 them with pleasure. 
 
 " ' Days and weeks elapsed, and although the distance 
 at which his relation resided, prevented the possibility of 
 an uninterrupted intercourse, yet neither was it so great 
 as to preclude his frequent visits. The interval of a day, 
 or at most of two, was all that intervened, and these 
 temporary absences certainly did not decrease the plea- 
 sure of the meetings with which they terminated. At 
 length a pensive expression began to exhibit itself upon 
 his countenance, and I could not but remark that at 
 every visit he became more abstracted and reserved. The 
 eye of affection is not slow to detect any symptom of 
 uneasiness in a quarter dear to it. I spoke to him, 
 questioned him on the subject ; his answer was evasive, 
 and I said no more. My mother too, however, had 
 marked the same appearance of melancholy, and pressed 
 him more strongly. He at length admitted that his 
 spirits were depressed, and that their depression was 
 caused by the necessity of an early though but a tempo- 
 rary separation. His uncle, and only friend, he said, had 
 long insisted on his spending some months on the conti- 
 nent, with the view of completing his professional educa- 
 tion, and that the time was now fast approaching when 
 it would be necessary for him to commence his journey. 
 A look made the inquiry which my tongue refused to 
 utter. " Yes, dearest Mary," was his reply, " I have com- 
 municated our attachment to him, partially at least, and 
 though I dare not say that the intimation was received as 
 I could have wished, yet I have, perhaps, on the whole, 
 no fair reason to be dissatisfied with his reply. 
 
 " " The completion of my studies and my settlement in 
 the world must, my uncle told me, be the first consideration : 
 when these material points were achieved, he should not 
 interfere with any arrangement that might be found 
 essential to my happiness ; at the same time he has 
 
THE TRANCE. 295 
 
 positively refused to sanction any engagement at present, 
 which may, he says, have a tendency to divert my atten- 
 tion from those studies on the due prosecution of which 
 my future situation in life must depend. A compromise 
 between love and duty was eventually wrung from me, 
 though reluctantly : I have pledged myself to proceed 
 immediately to my destination abroad, with a full under- 
 standing that, on my return, a twelvemonth hence, no 
 obstacle shall be thrown in the way of what are, I trust, 
 our mutual wishes.' 
 
 "'I will not attempt to describe the feelings with 
 which I received this communication, nor will it be 
 necessary to say anything of what passed at the few 
 interviews which took place before Francis quitted 
 
 X . The evening immediately previous to that of 
 
 his departure he passed in this house, and before we 
 separated renewed his protestations of an unchangeable 
 affection, requiring a similar assurance from me in return. 
 I did not hesitate to make it. "Be satisfied, my dear 
 Francis," said I, " that no diminution in the regard I 
 have avowed can ever take place, and, though absent in 
 body, my heart and soul will still be with you/' " Swear 
 this," he cried, with a suddenness and energy which sur- 
 prised and rather startled me : " promise that you will be 
 with me in spirit, at least, when I am far away." I gave 
 him my hand, but that was not sufficient. " One of these 
 dark shining ringlets, my dear Mary," said he, "as a 
 pledge that you will not forget your vow!" I suffered 
 him to take the scissors from my workbox and to sever a 
 lock of my hair, which he placed in his bosom. The next 
 day he was pursuing his journey, and the waves were 
 already bearing him from England. 
 
 " ' I had letters from him. repeatedly during the first 
 three months of his absence : they spoke of his health, 
 his prospects, and of his love ; but by degrees the 
 intervals between each arrival became longer, and I 
 fancied I perceived some falling off from that warmth of 
 expression which at first characterized his communications. 
 
 "'One night I had retired to rest rather later than 
 usual, having sat by the bedside comparing his last brief 
 
296 THE TRANCE. 
 
 note with some of his earlier letters, and endeavouring to 
 convince myself that my apprehensions of his fickleness 
 were unfounded, when an undefinable sensation of rest- 
 lessness and anxiety seized upon me. I cannot compare 
 it to anything I had ever experienced before : my pulse 
 fluttered, my heart beat with a quickness and violence 
 which alarmed me, and a strange tremor shook my whole 
 frame. I retired hastily to bed, in hopes of getting rid 
 of so unpleasant a sensation, but in vain ; a vague appre- 
 hension of I knew not what occupied my mind, and 
 vainly did I endeavour to shake it off. I can compare my 
 feelings to nothing but those which we sometimes expe- 
 rience when about to undertake a long and unplea-ant 
 journey, leaving those we love behind us. More than 
 once did I raise myself in my bed and listen, fancying 
 that I heard myself called ; and on each of those occa- 
 sions the fluttering of my heart increased. Twice I was 
 on the point of calling to my sister, who then slept in an 
 adjoining room ; but she had gone to bed indisposed, and 
 an unwillingness to disturb either her or my mother 
 checked me. The large clock in the room below at this 
 moment began to strike the hour of twelve. I distinctly 
 heard its vibrations ; but ere its sounds had ceased, a 
 burning heat, as if a hot iron had been applied to my 
 temple, was succeeded by a dizziness, a swoon, a total loss 
 of consciousness as to where or in what situation I was. 
 
 " ' A pain, violent, sharp, and piercing, as though my 
 whole frame were lacerated by some keen-edged weapon, 
 roused me from this stupor ; but where was I ? Every- 
 thing was strange around me, a shadowy dimness ren- 
 dered every object indistinct and uncertain ; methought, 
 however, that I was seated in a large antique high-backed 
 chair, several of which were near, their tall black carved 
 frames and seats interwoven with a lattice- work of cane. 
 The apartment in which I sat was of moderate dimensions, 
 and from its sloping roof seemed to be the upper story of 
 the edifice a fact confirmed by the moon shining without, 
 in. full effulgence, on a large round tower, which its light 
 rendered plainly visible through the open casement, and 
 the summit of which appeared but little superior in 
 
THE TRANCE. 207 
 
 elevation to the room I occupied. Rather to the right, 
 and in the distance, the spire of some cathedral or lofty 
 church was visible, while sundry gable-ends and tops of 
 houses told me I was in the midst of a populous but 
 unknown city. 
 
 " ' The apartment itself had something strange in its 
 appearance, and in the character of its furniture and 
 appurtenances bore little or no resemblance to any I had 
 ever seen before. The fireplace was large and wide, with 
 a pair of what are sometimes called andirons, betokening 
 that wood was the principal, if not the only, fuel con- 
 sumed within its recess : a huge fire was now blazing in 
 it, the light from which rendered visible the remotest 
 parts of the chamber. Over a lofty old-fashioned man- 
 telpiece, carved heavjly in imitation of fruits and flowers, 
 hung a half-length portrait of a gentleman in a dark- 
 coloured foreign habit, with a peaked beard and moustaches, 
 one hand resting upon a table, the other supporting a sort 
 of baton, or short military staif, the summit of which was 
 surmounted by a silver dove. Several antique chairs, 
 similar in appearance to those already mentioned, sur- 
 rounded a massive oaken table, the length of which much 
 exceeded its width. At the lower end of this piece of 
 furniture stood the chair I occupied ; on the upper was 
 placed a small chafing-dish, filled with burning coals, and 
 darting forth occasionally long flashes of various- coloured 
 fire, the brilliance of which made itself visible, even above 
 the strong illumination emitted from the chimney. Two 
 huge black japanned cabinets, with clawed feet, reflecting 
 from their polished surfaces the effulgence of the flame, 
 were placed one on each side the casement window to 
 which I have alluded ; and with a few shelves loaded with 
 books, many of which were also strewed in disorder on 
 the floor, completed the list of the furniture in the apart- 
 ment. Some strange-looking instruments, of unknown 
 form and purpose, lay on the table near the chafing-dish, 
 on the other side of which a miniature portrait of myself 
 hung, reflected by a small oval mirror in a dark-coloured 
 frame, while a large open volume, traced with strange 
 characters of the colour of blood, lay in front ; a goblet, 
 
298 THE TRANCE. 
 
 containing a few drops of liquid of the same ensanguined 
 hue, was by its side. 
 
 " ' But of the objects which I have endeavoured to 
 describe, none arrested my attention so forcibly as two 
 others. These were the figures of two young men, in the 
 prime of life, only separated from me by the table. They 
 were dressed alike, each in a long flowing gown, made of 
 some sad-coloured stuff, and confined at the waist by a 
 crimson girdle ; one of them, the shorter of the two, was 
 occupied in feeding the embers of the chafing-dish with a 
 resinous powder, which produced and maintained a bril- 
 liant but flickering blaze, to the action of which his com- 
 panion was exposing a long lock of dark chestnut hair, 
 that shrank and shrivelled as it approached the flame. 
 But, oh God ! that hair, and the form of him who held 
 it ! that face ! those features ! not for one instant could I 
 entertain a doubt it was he ! Francis ! the lock he 
 grasped was mine, the very pledge of affection I had 
 given him. and still, as it partially encountered the fire, a 
 burning heat seemed to scorch the temple from which it 
 had been taken, conveying a torturing sensation that 
 affected my very brain. 
 
 " ' How shall I proceed but no, it is impossible, not 
 even to you, sir, can I dare I recount the proceedings 
 of that unhallowed night of horror, and of shame. Were 
 my life extended to a term commensurate with that of 
 the Patriarchs of old, never could its detestable, its 
 damning pollutions be effaced from my remembrance \ 
 and, oh ! above all, never could I forget the diabolical 
 glee which sparkled in the eyes of my fiendish tormentors, 
 as they witnessed the worse than useless struggles of their 
 miserable victim. Oh ! why was it not permitted me to 
 take refuge in unconsciousness nay, in death itself, from 
 the abominations of which I was compelled to be, not 
 only a witness, but a partaker 1 But it is enough, sir ; I 
 will not further shock your nature by dwelling longer on 
 a scene, the full horrors of which, words, if I even dared 
 employ any, would be inadequate to express ; suffice it to 
 say, that after being subjected to it, how long I know 
 not, but certainly for more than an hour, a noise from 
 
THE TRANCE. 
 
 below seemed to alarm iv.y persecutors ; a pause ensued, 
 the lights were extinguished, and, as the sound of a foot- 
 step ascending a staircase became more distinct, my fore- 
 head felt again the excruciating sensation of heat, while 
 the embers, kindling into a momentary flame, betrayed 
 another portion of the ringlet consuming in the blaze. 
 Fresh agonies succeeded, not less severe, and of a similar 
 description to those which had seized upon me at first. 
 Oblivion again followed, and, on being at length restored 
 to consciousness, I found myself as you see me now, faint 
 and exhausted, weakened in every limb, and every fibre 
 quivering with agitation. My groans soon brought my 
 sister to my aid ; it was long before I could summon 
 resolution to confide even to her the dreadful secret ; and 
 when I had done so, her strongest efforts were not want- 
 ing to persuade me that I had been labouring under a 
 severe attack of nightmare. I ceased to argue, but I was 
 not convinced ; the whole scene was then too presen 
 awfully real, to permit ine to doubt the character of the 
 transaction ; and if, when a few days had elapsed, the 
 hopelessness of imparting to others the conviction I enter- 
 tained myself, produced in me an apparent acquiescence 
 with their opinion, I have never been the less satisfied 
 that no cause reducible to the known laws of nature, 
 occasioned my sufferings on that hellish evening. Whether 
 that firm belief might have eventually yielded to time, 
 whether I might at length have been brought to consider 
 all that had passed, and the circumstances which I could 
 never cease to remember, as a mere phantasm, the off- 
 spring of a heated imagination, acting upon an enfeebled 
 body, I know not ; last night, however, would have dis- 
 pelled the flattering illusion last night last night was 
 the whole horrible scene acted over again. The place 
 the actors the whole infernal apparatus were the same ; 
 the same insults, the same torments, the same brutali- 
 ties all were renewed, save that the period of my 
 agony was not so prolonged. I became sensible to an 
 incision in my arm, though the hand that made it was 
 not visible ; at the same moment my persecutors paused ; 
 they were manifestly disconcerted, and the companion of 
 
300 THE TRAXCE. 
 
 him whoso name shall never more pass my lips, mut- 
 tered something to his abettor in evident agitation ; the 
 formula of an oath of horrible import was dictated to me 
 in terms fearfully distinct. I refused it unhesitatingly ; 
 again and again was it proposed, with menaces I tremble 
 to think on but I refused ; the same sound was heard 
 interruption was evidently apprehended, the same cere- 
 mony was hastily repeated, and I again found myself 
 released, lying on my own bed, with my mother and my 
 sister weeping over me. Oh, God ! oh, God ! when and 
 how is this to end 1 When will my spirit be leffc in peace 1 
 Where, or with whom, shall I find refuge V 
 
 " It is impossible to convey any adequate idea of the 
 emotions with which this unhappy girl's narrative affected 
 me. It must not be supposed that her story was deli- 
 vered in the same continuous and uninterrupted strain in 
 which I have transcribed its substance. On the contrary 
 it was not without frequent intervals, of longer or shorter 
 duration, that her account was brought to a conclusion : 
 indeed, many passages of her strange dream were not 
 without the greatest difficulty and reluctance communi- 
 cated at all. My task was no easy one ; never, in the 
 course of a long life spent in the active duties of my 
 Christian calling, never had I been summoned to such a 
 conference before. 
 
 " To the half-avowed and palliated confession of com- 
 mitted guilt, I had often listened, and pointed out the 
 only road to secure its forgiveness. I had succeeded in 
 cheering the spirit of despondency, and sometimes even 
 in calming the ravings of despair ; but here I had a 
 different enemy to combat, an ineradicable prejudice to 
 encounter, evidently backed by no common share of 
 superstition, and confirmed by the mental weakness atten- 
 dant upon severe bodily pain. To argue the sufferer out 
 of an opinion so rooted was a hopeless attempt. I did, 
 however, essay it : I spoke to her of the strong and 
 mysterious connection maintained between our waking 
 images and those which haunt us in our dreams, and more 
 especially during that morbid oppression commonly called 
 
THE TRANCE. 301 
 
 nightmare. I was even enabled to adduce myself as a 
 strong and living instance of the excess to which fancy 
 sometimes carries her freaks on these occasions ; and by 
 an odd coincidence the impression made upon my own 
 mind, which I adduced as an example, bore no slight 
 resemblance to her own. I stated to her. that on my 
 recovery from the fit of epilepsy which had attacked me 
 about two years since, just before my grandson Frederick 
 left Oxford, it was with the greatest difficulty I could 
 persuade myself that I had not visited him during the 
 interval in his rooms at Brazenose, and even conversed 
 
 both with himself and his friend W , seated in his 
 
 arm-chair, and gazing through the window full upon the 
 statue of Cain, as it stands in the centre of the quadrangle. 
 I told her of the pain I underwent both at the commence- 
 ment and termination of my attack, of the extreme lassi- 
 tude that succeeded ; but my efforts were all in vain : she 
 listened to me, indeed, with an interest almost breathless, 
 especially when I informed her of my having actually 
 experienced the burning sensation in the brain, alluded 
 to, no doubt strong attendant symptoms of this peculiar 
 aifection, and a proof of the identity of the complaint ; 
 but I could plainly perceive that I failed entirely in 
 shaking the rooted opinion which possessed her, that her 
 spirit had, by some nefarious and unhallowed means, 
 been actually subtracted for a time from its ear.thly 
 tenement." 
 
 The next extract which I shall give from ray old 
 friend's memoranda, is dated August 24th, more than a 
 week subsequent to his first visit at Mrs. Graham's. He 
 appears, from his papers, to have visited the poor young 
 woman more than once during the interval, and to have 
 afforded her those spiritual consolations which no one was 
 more capable of communicating. His patient, for so in a 
 religious sense she may well be termed, had been sinking 
 under the agitation she had experienced ; and the con- 
 stant dread she was under of similar sufferings operated 
 so strongly on a frame already enervated, that life at 
 
302 THE TRANCE. 
 
 length seemed to hang only by a thread. His papers go 
 OIL to say, 
 
 " I have just seen poor Mary Graham, I fear, for the 
 last time. Nature is evidently quite worn out, she is 
 aware that she is dying, and looks forward to the termi- 
 nation of her existence here not only with resignation, but 
 with joy. It is clear that her dream, or what she persists 
 in calling her ' subtraction,' has much to do with this. 
 For the last three days her behaviour has been altered ; 
 she has avoided conversing on the subject of her delusion, 
 and seems to wish that I should consider her as a convert 
 to my view of her case. This may, perhaps, be partly 
 owing to the flippancies of her medical attendant upon the 
 
 subject ; for Mr. I has, somehow or other, got an 
 
 inkling that she has been much agitated by a dream, and 
 thinks to laugh off the impression, in my opinion inju- 
 diciously ; but though a skilful and a kind-hearted, he is 
 a young man, and of a disposition perhaps rather too 
 mercurial for the chamber of a nervous invalid. Her 
 manner has since been much more reserved to both of us : 
 in my case probably because she suspects me of betraying 
 her secret." 
 
 ***** 
 
 "August 26th. Mary Graham is yet alive, but sinking 
 fast ; her cordiality towards rne has returned since her 
 sister confessed yesterday that she had herself told Mr. 
 
 I that his patient's mind ' had been affected by a 
 
 terrible vision.' I am evidently restored to her confi- 
 dence. She asked me this morning, with much earnest- 
 ness, ' What I believed to be the state of departed spirits 
 during the interval between dissolution and the final day 
 of account ? And whether I thought they would be safe in 
 another world from the influence of wicked persons employ- 
 ing an agency more than human V Poor child ! One ean- 
 not mistake the prevailing bias of her mind. Poor child !" 
 * # * * '.* 
 
 " August 27th. It is nearly over, she is sinking 
 rapidly, but quietly and without pain. I have just 
 administered to her the sacred elements, of which her 
 
THE TRANCE. 303 
 
 mother partook. Elizabeth declined doing the same ; she 
 cannot, she says, yet bring herself to forgive the villain 
 who has destroyed her sister. It is singular that she, a 
 young woman of good plain sense in ordinary matters, 
 should so easily adopt, and so pertinaciously retain, a 
 superstition so puerile and ridiculous. This must be a 
 matter of future conversation between us ; at present, 
 with the form of the dying girl before her eyes, it were 
 vain to argue with her. The mother, I find, has written 
 to young Somers, stating the dangerous situation of his 
 affianced wife ; indignant, as she justly is, at his long 
 silence. It is fortunate that she has 110 knowledge of the 
 suspicions entertained by her daughter. I have seen her 
 letter, it is addressed to Mr. Francis Somers, in the Hoge- 
 woert, at Leyden, a fellow-student, then, of Frederick's. 
 I must remember to inquire if he is acquainted with this 
 
 young man." 
 
 * * -:: * 
 
 Mary Graham, it appears, died the same night. Before 
 her departure, she repeated to my friend the singular story 
 she had before told him, without any material variation 
 from the detail she had formerly given. To the last she 
 persisted in believing that her unworthy lover had prac- 
 tised upon her by forbidden arts. She once more described 
 the apartment with great minuteness, and even the person 
 of Francis's alleged companion, who was, she said, about 
 the middle height, hard-featured, with a rather remarkable 
 scar upon his left cheek, extending in a transverse direc- 
 tion from below the eye to the nose. Several pages of my 
 reverend friend's manuscript are filled with reflections 
 upon this extraordinary confession, which, joined with its 
 melancholy termination, seems to have produced no com- 
 mon effect upon him. He alludes to more than one sub- 
 sequent discussion with the surviving sister, and piques 
 himself on having made some progress in convincing her 
 of the folly of her theory respecting the origin and nature 
 of the illness itself. 
 
 His memoranda on this and other subjects are con- 
 tinued till about the middle of September, when a break 
 
304 THE TRANCE. 
 
 ensues, occasioned, no doubt, by the unwelcome news of 
 his grandson's dangerous state, which induced him to set 
 out forthwith for Holland. His arrival at Leyden was, 
 
 as I have already said, too late. Frederick S had 
 
 expired, after thirty hours' intense suffering, from a wound 
 received in a duel with a brother student. The cause of 
 quarrel was variously related ; but, according to his land- 
 lord's version, it had originated in some silly dispute about 
 a dream of his antagonist's, who had been the challenger. 
 Such, at least, was the account given to him, as he said, 
 
 by Frederick's friend and fellow-lodger, W , who had 
 
 acted as second on the occasion ; thus acquitting him* 
 self of an obligation of the same kind due to the deceased, 
 whose services he had put in requisition about a year 
 before on a similar occasion, when he had himself been 
 severely wounded in the face. 
 
 From the same authority I learned, that my poor friend 
 was much affected on finding that his arrival had been 
 deferred too long. Every attention was shown him by 
 the proprietor of the house, a respectable tradesman, and 
 a chamber was prepared for his accommodation ; the 
 books, and few effects of his deceased grandson were 
 delivered over to him, duly inventoried, and, late as it was 
 in the evening when he reached Leyden, he insisted on 
 being conducted to the apartments which Frederick had 
 occupied, there to indulge the first ebullitions of his 
 sorrow, before he retired to his own. Madame Miilier 
 accordingly led the way to an upper room, which, being 
 situated at the top of the house, had been, from its 
 privacy and distance from the street, selected by Frederick 
 as his study. The Doctor entered, and taking the lamp 
 from his conductress, motioned to be left alone. His 
 implied wish was, of course, complied with ; and nearly 
 two hours had elapsed before his kind-hearted hostess 
 re-ascended, in the hope of prevailing upon him to return 
 with her and partake of that refreshment which he had 
 in the first instance peremptorily declined. Her appli- 
 cation for admission was unnoticed ; she repeated it more 
 than once, without success ; then, becoming somewhat 
 alarmed at the continued silence, opened the door, and 
 
THE TRANCE. 305 
 
 perceived her new inmate stretched on the floor in a 
 fainting-fit. Restoratives were instantly administered, 
 and prompt medical aid succeeded at length in restoring 
 him to consciousness. But his mind had received a shock 
 from which, during the few weeks he survived, it never 
 entirely recovered. His thought wandered perpetually; 
 and though, from the very slight acquaintance which his 
 hosts held with the English language, the greater part of 
 what fell from him remained unknown, yet enough was 
 understood to induce them to believe that something 
 more than the mere death of his grandson had contributed 
 thus to paralyze his faculties. 
 
 When his situation was first discovered, a small minia- 
 ture was found tightly grasped in his right hand. It had 
 been the property of Frederick, and had more than once 
 been seen by the M tillers in his possession. To this the 
 patient made continued reference, and would not suffer it 
 one moment from his sight : it was in his hand when he 
 expired. At my request it was produced to me. The 
 portrait was that of a young woman, in an English 
 morning dress, whose pleasing and regular features, with 
 their mild and somewhat pensive expression, were not, I 
 thought, altogether unknown to me. Her age was appa- 
 rently about twenty. A profusion of dark chestnut hair 
 was arranged in the Madonna style, above a brow of 
 unsullied whiteness, a single riDglet depending on the left 
 side. A glossy lock of the same colour, and evidently 
 belonging to the original, appeared beneath a small 
 crystal, inlaid in the back of the picture, which was 
 plainly set in gold, and bore in a cipher the letters M. G., 
 with the date 18 . From the inspection of this portrait, 
 I could at the time collect nothing, nor from that of the 
 Doctor himself, which also I found the next morning in 
 Frederick's desk, accompanied by two separate portions of 
 hair. One of them was a lock, short and deeply tinged 
 with gray, and had been taken, I have little doubt, from 
 the head of my old friend himself; the other corresponded, 
 in colour and appearance, with that at the back of the 
 miniature. It was not till a few days had elapsed, and I 
 had seen the worthy Doctor's remains quietly consigned to 
 
306 THE TRANCE, 
 
 the narrow house, that, while arranging his papers pre- 
 vious to my intended return upon the morrow, I encoun- 
 tered the narrative I have already transcribed. The 
 name of the unfortunate young woman connected with it 
 forcibly arrested my attention. I recollected it imme- 
 diately as one belonging to a parishioner of my own, and 
 at once recognized the original of the female portrait as 
 its owner. 
 
 I rose not from the perusal of this very singular state- 
 ment till I had gone through the whole of it. It was 
 late, and the rays of the single lamp by which I was 
 reading did but very faintly illume the remoter parts of 
 the room in which I sat. The brilliancy of an unclouded 
 November moon, then some twelve nights old, and shining 
 full into the apartment, did much towards remedying the 
 defect. My thoughts filled with the melancholy details I 
 had read, I rose and walked to the window. The beautiful 
 planet rode high in the firmament, and gave to the snowy 
 roofs of the houses and pendent icicles all the sparkling 
 radiance of clustering gems. The stillness of the scene 
 harmonized well with the state of my feelings. I threw 
 open the casement and looked abroad. Far below me the 
 waters of the principal canal shone like a mirror in the 
 moonlight. To the left rose the Burght, a huge round 
 tower of remarkable appearance, pierced with embrasures 
 at its summit ; while, a little to the right and in the 
 distance, the spire and pinnacles of the cathedral of 
 Ley den rose in all their majesty, presenting a coup <Tce,il of 
 surpassing though simple beauty. To a spectator of calm, 
 unoccupied mind, the scene would have been delightful. 
 On me it acted with an electric effect. I turned hastily 
 to survey the apartment in which I had been sitting. It 
 was the one designated as the study of the late Frederick 
 
 S . The sides of the room were covered with dark 
 
 wainscot ; the spacious fireplace opposite to me, with its 
 polished andirons, was surmounted by a large old-iashioned 
 mantelpiece, heavily carved in the Dutch style with fruits 
 and flowers ; above it frowned a portrait, in a Vandyke 
 dress, with peaked beard and moustaches : one hand of the 
 figure rested on a table, while the other bore a marshal's 
 
ME TRANCE. 307 
 
 staff surmounted with a silver dove ; and either my 
 imagination, already heated by the scene, deceived me, or 
 a smile as of malicious triumph curled the lip and glared 
 in the cold leaden eye that seemed fixed upon my own. 
 The heavy, antique, cane-backed chairs, the large oaken 
 table, the bookshelves, the scattered volumes all, all were 
 there ; while, to complete the picture, to my right and 
 left, as half-breathless I leaned my back against the case- 
 ment, rose on each side a tall, dark ebony cabinet, in 
 whose polished sides the single lamp upon the table shone 
 
 reflected as in a mirror. 
 
 *** 
 
 "What am I to think 1 Can it be that the story I 
 have been reading was written by my poor friend here, 
 and under the influence of delirium ? Impossible ! 
 Besides, they all assure me that from the fatal night of 
 his arrival he never left his bed never put pen to paper. 
 His very directions to have me summoned from England 
 were verbally given, during one of those few and brief 
 intervals in which reason seemed partially to resume her 
 
 sway. Can it, then, be possible that 1 W ? 
 
 where is he, who alone may be able to throw light on 
 this horrible mystery ? no one knows. He absconded, 
 it seems, immediately after the duel. No trace of Jiim 
 exists, nor, after repeated and anxious inquiries, can I find 
 that any student has ever been known in the University 
 of Leyden by the name of Francis Somers. 
 
 "There are more things in heaven and earth 
 Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." 
 
 THE END. 
 
 t mr ccx (BROS.; A.KD WTMAN, &RKAI 
 

 

 
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