THE ROBERT E. COWAN COLLECTION 
 
 PRESENTED TO THE 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CflLIF.ORNIR 
 
 C. P. HUNTINGTON 
 
 dUNE, 1897. 
 
 Recession No.^ 5" 73^ Class No 
 
 


 
 
 (Si |) 
 
THE 
 
 
 
 DUKE OF SACRAMENTO. 
 
 SAN FBANCISCO: 
 
 FRANKLIN PRESS, 186 MONTGOMERY STREET. 
 1856. 
 

 
 
 
 Entered according to act of Congress, in the year 1856, in the Clerk's 
 office of the District Court of the United States in and for the Northern 
 District of California. 
 
 I 
 
 

 THE 
 
 DUKE OF SACRAMENTO. 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 CHARLES OPERATOR, Resident Director in California of the 
 Ever-Flowing Golden Fountain Quartz Company. 
 
 AMOS DITCH, New Director, just arrived. 
 
 RICHARD TUNNEL, ~j 
 
 THOMAS MINER, (OPERATOR'S Staff, sent out with him by 
 
 JOHN SHAFT, [ the Company from London. 
 
 EDWARD WHEEL, J 
 
 Major KILFARDY, a General Quartz Agent. 
 
 JONES, SMITH, and BROWN, gentlemen of leisure, friends of 
 Operator and his staff. 
 
 CLARK, a particular friend of Tunnel. 
 
 TOBIAS CONFIDENCE, an old gentleman. 
 
 GEORGE BREES, a friend of Confidence. 
 
 Low and HIGH, Grocery Merchants. 
 
 NED and JOE, two loafing boys. 
 
 CONSTABLE. 
 
 JULIA, wife of Confidence, mistress of Tunnel. 
 
 CLARA, wife of Brown. 
 
 OCCUPANT, POSTMAN, CONSTABLE. 
 
 Two MINERS, friends to Brown, 
 
 SERVANTS, 
 
ACT I. 
 
 SCENE A Dining Room. Mr. OPERATOR seated at table 
 with the members of his Staff, and Major KIL- 
 FARDY, an invited guest. 
 
 Operator. So you have never been married. 
 
 Major. No, please your honor ; yet, do you see, I've had 
 lots of fun in my time. 
 
 Operator. But would you not like to try marriage ? There 
 must be something good in' it, else so many men would not 
 engage in the speculation. 
 
 Major. There, do you see, you stumbled on the word 
 speculation. 
 
 Tunnel. I don't know about that. 
 
 Major. I'll prove it. Do you see, it's for better or worse; 
 if it's for better, you gain; if for worse, you lose. Heads I win, 
 tails you lose; same chance in marriage it's all a spec. 
 
 Operator. Mr. Tunnel you are beat; I call for a song. 
 
 All. A song ! A song from Tunnel. 
 
 Operator. Hear ! Hear ! A song from Mr. Tunnel. (TuN- 
 NEL sings.) 
 
 We come from Old England to purchase a lode 
 
 Of gold-bearing quartz on a mountain ; 
 Tho' half of the money we've spent on the road, 
 
 Still more of it flows from the Fountain. 
 
 With rollers and stamps we'll knock out the gold, 
 
 And grind up the rock to a powder, 
 And when in Old Britain the stock is all sold, 
 
 Why, then we can spree it the louder. 
 
 Let the parties at home but keep up the noise 
 By sharp pricking the Bulls and the Bears, 
 
 While we will amuse them with specimen toys, 
 And thus aid them in selling their shares. 
 
 Let all the good people, who fortunes would make, 
 
 All their money in quartz put secure. 
 And may the Gold Fountain be changed to a lake, 
 
 That shall last while the world shall endure. 
 
 Miner. Here's to the everlasting flowing of the Golden 
 Fountain. (They drink.) 
 
 Major. Here's to the company's quartz and to our pints. 
 
 Several. Capital! Good! Excellent! (They drink.) 
 
 Operator. Order, gentlemen, order, (Enter SERVANT 
 with a letter,} 
 
Servant. A letter for Charles Operator, Esq. (OPERATOR 
 takes the letter and reads. Exit SERVANT.) 
 
 Several. What news ? 
 
 Operator. Gentlemen, we are undone. I, your director, 
 friend, and companion, am superceded in my office by one 
 Amos Ditch, late of Cheapside, London. 
 
 Tunnel. There must be some mistake. The company never 
 could be so ungrateful never so forgetful of your long servi 
 ces. The letter is a forgery. 
 
 All. Shame ! Shaine on them ! 
 
 Operator. No, gentlemen, it is no forgery. It bears the 
 Company's stamp, and was written at the office of the Board of 
 Directors, in London. 
 
 Miner. Companies are always ungrateful. I know this 
 Ditch well ; my father's footman bought his clothes from him. 
 He is an adventurer in the company to the amount of ten 
 thousand pounds. This has secured him his appointment. He 
 is as ignorant as an ass, and knows as little of the history of 
 his own country as he does of America. 
 
 Shaft. But he'll want to see our lodes and mills, which we 
 have so lauded in the papers. 
 
 Operator. Yes, and he'll inquire as to what we've done 
 with the money. That's the wheel where there is most fric 
 tion. 
 
 Wheel. How much is left of the one hundred thousand 
 dollars ? 
 
 Operator. About ten thousand. Mr. Miner and Tunnel, 
 you will meet me to-night to devise ways and means to meet 
 his inquiries. I must further inform you that he brings twenty 
 thousand pounds to extend the Company's works. 
 
 Several. Hear ! Hear ! 
 
 Operator. I should not be surprised if he were in San 
 Francisco at this moment ; however, we shall know in a day or 
 so. (Enter BROWN, SMITH, JONES, and CLARK.) 
 
 Tunnel. Our American friends. Welcome, my lads. 
 
 Operator. Most welcome, gentlemen ; pray, be seated. 
 Your healths, kind friends. (They all Jill and drink.') 
 
 Brown. What news ? 
 
 Operator. Bad enough. They have sent out a new Di 
 rector. 
 
 Jones. With plenty of money ? 
 
6 
 
 Operator. Yes, with some twenty thousand pounds. 
 
 Smith. More money than brains, I suppose ? 
 
 Miner. Exactly. Yet at home, in a small way, he is sharp 
 enough in making and saving money. I do not believe he 
 ever read any thing except the advertisements in a newspaper. 
 
 Brown. Well, we must take courage and contrive to man 
 age him, and send the goose home well plucked. 
 
 Several. That we shall. 
 
 Operator. No more of this for the present. Ho ! there, 
 waiter, clear off this table; and then for the cards. Mr. 
 Brown, you will meet us this evening in private consultation. 
 
 Brown. Depend on me, sir. (Enter SERVANT.) 
 
 Major. Your good health, gentlemen. (They all drink.) 
 
 SCENE A Street in San Francisco. CONFIDENCE standing 
 before a house. 
 
 Confidence. This must be my house, or the lot where my 
 house stood. Dear, generous, prudent, lovely Julia, how my 
 heart yearns to clasp thee once more to my anxious, doating 
 heart. (He raps at the door, which is opened by the occupant.) 
 Occupant. What is your business, sir ? 
 Confidence. Where's my darling Julia ? Stand aside, sir, 
 let me pass. Julia ! Oh, Julia, my dearest ! 
 
 Occupant. Sir, you are mistaken. There is no Julia in 
 this house. 
 
 Confidence. I say I will pass. I will fly into the open 
 arms of my beloved wife, Julia. 
 
 Occupant. Sir, I tell you, on my word of honor, that no 
 Julia lives in this house. 
 
 Confidence. But, sir, consider the feelings of a husband, 
 who has been absent in the States for the last nine months, 
 and now returns in eager haste to clasp his angel wife to his 
 panting heart. Sir, if you ever knew the feelings of a hus 
 band you will let me pass. 
 
 Occupant. Sir, this part of the city was destroyed by fire 
 some six months ago. This lot was sold for taxes, and pur 
 chased by me, on which I have built this house. 
 
 Confidence. Sir, you astound me. But where, tell me 
 where, can I find my precious Julia ? Oh, tell me where, good 
 friend. 
 
OF T 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 Occupant. I have understood that the lady who occupied 
 this house before the fire had gone out to service at a hotel. 
 
 Confidence. Oh, Heavens ! Julia, what you must have 
 suffered. 
 
 Occupant. Not suffered, sir women are always cared for in, 
 California. 
 
 Confidence. Sir I Sir ! You alarm me. You choke me. 
 You send my heart into my throat. You swell my palate. 
 Sir, you 
 
 Occupant. Ah, there comes young Ned, he knows all about 
 her. (Enter NED.) Ned, show this gentleman where Miss 
 Julia resides. I have no doubt he will reward you well for it. 
 
 Confidence. That I will, my young man. I will give you 
 twenty dollars. 
 
 NED. Then, sir, follow me. 
 
 Confidence. I am delighted, sir he, he, ha, ha. Your 
 hand, sir. When you want a friend call on Tobias Confidence. 
 (They shake hands.) 
 
 Occupant. Thank you, sir ; goodbye. (Exit CONFIDENCE, 
 bowing.'} Well, he may find her, but Heaven help him when 
 he does. Things are never stationary here. That old gentle 
 man can't calculate upon his wife no more than I can calculate 
 upon the title to this lot. I must go and see my lawyej. 
 
 SCENE A Room. JULIA and CLARA seated, dressed. 
 
 Julia. I hope no evil has befallen Tunnel. Here we have 
 been waiting, dressed for the play, for this last hour, and nei 
 ther of them have, as yet, made their appearance. Hush ! 
 They come. (Enter BROWN and TUNNEL.) 
 
 'Clara. So, you truants, you have come at last. 
 
 Julia. Something of importance must have detained you. 
 
 Brown. Yes, my darling. But let us to our room, Clara, 
 I wish a word with you. (Exit CLARA and BROWN.) 
 
 Julia. Why, Tunnel, how sad, aye, unhappy you look. 
 (Kissing him.) How strange, you, who are usually so gay. 
 Impart your sorrows to me ; I have a right to share them. 
 
 Tunnel. But then they will but add to your disappoint 
 ment. 
 
 Julia. Speak your silence Avill render me more unhappy 
 than a knowledge of all your troubles. Have you lost at play? 
 
8 
 
 Tunnel No. 
 
 Julia. Well, what on earth can render you so melancholy? 
 
 Tunnel. Our Director has been discharged. We have 
 squandered all the money, and have nothing to show for it, and 
 our new superintendent cannot fail to discover our evil prac 
 tices. 
 
 Julia. Is that all ? And for a man in California to let 
 such trifles depress his spirits ! Leave him to me, I'll manage 
 him. 
 
 Tunnel. I know your beauty and wit are not to be excelled j 
 but he is old, and, while all other passions are dead within 
 him, that of avarice remains. 
 
 Julia. The older and dryer the wood the quicker it burns. 
 (Sings.} 
 
 Who would have a woman's eyes, 
 
 Unless to charm the young and old ? 
 For with a glance, if she but tries, 
 
 She'll heat his blood or melt his gold. 
 
 Who would have a woman's voice, 
 
 Unless to breathe such sighs that move 
 
 The heart to know no other choice, 
 And ev'ry whisper'd thought approve ? 
 
 Who would have a woman's grace, 
 
 Unless to captivate the brain, 
 And in fancy's mirror trace 
 
 The loves that follow in her train ? 
 
 Who would have a woman's face, 
 
 Unless to sooth by beauty's glow, 
 And, with smiles, to warm each place 
 
 Where plants of warm affection grow ? 
 
 Tunnel. Ah, Julia, you but mock my cares. 
 
 Julia. No, indeed ; I wish to teach, that troubles and 
 cares are only heavy when the mind is permitted to dwell upon 
 them. Yesterday, your laughter rang loud thro' the house ; 
 to-day, it is announced that one Monsieur Ditch is coming from 
 abroad, and you are as mute as a mouse, and look as drooping 
 as the last rose of summer ; and Clara and I, forsooth, must 
 forego the pleasure of visiting the theatre, merely bacause you 
 expect a ditch or dug-out, or some such water conveyance. 
 
 Tunnel. Nay, Julia, I will go with you to the play. 
 
 Julia. Charles, when I consented to become your compan- 
 
9 
 
 __; 
 
 Jon thro' life, it was because I loved you truly, devotedly. My 
 husband left me a beggar upon the cold charities of the world. 
 You were kind, and professed to have discovered in me supe 
 rior qualities of mind and disposition. You offered me mar 
 riage ; I could not then gratify your wish, owing to the doubt 
 existing as to my husband's death. You have sworn before 
 the holy alter of truth to make me your true and lawful wife ; 
 but in thought, feeling, and body, I am as much your devoted 
 wife as all the ceremonies of State or church could render me. 
 As a wife you have always treated me, and as a wife I will 
 always adhere to you thro' good and bad fortune. (She kisses 
 him.) 
 
 Tunnel. Aye, but should he not be dead, and come in 
 search of you ? 
 
 Julia. Make yourself easy on this point ; I will not own 
 him. His desertion would prove his baseness. I would scorn 
 him. (Enter CONFIDENCE, who rushes towards JULIA with 
 open arms.) 
 
 Confidence. Julia ! Julia, I come ! Your Tobias comes 
 with open arms to clasp thee to his aching heart. 
 
 Tunnel. Hold, sir ! You labor under a great mistake. That 
 lady is my wife. 
 
 Confidence. Sir ! Sir ! It is you who mistake. Speak, 
 Julia, speak ! and fly into the arms of your beloved Tobias 
 Confidence. 
 
 Tunnel. Old man, beware ! Do not insult my wife, or, by 
 the gods above 
 
 Julia. Sir, I know you not. Begone from my presence, 
 and seek your wife elsewhere. Charles Tunnel, there, standing 
 before your face, is my husband. I have said it, and I mean 
 it now permit me to show you the door. (She opens the 
 door.) 
 
 Confidence. As Heaven is my judge ! Disown yottr lawful 
 husband, Tobias Confidence ! 
 
 Tunnel. Away, old dotard, or I'll kick you out of the 
 house. 
 
 Confidence. Oh, sir, have pity on my weakness; I know 
 that it is unmanly to weep. I mean no offence towards either 
 of you. On landing fmm the, steamer my heart was full of 
 joy now it feels as heavy as solid lead. Julia, in your blind 
 ness, you deny me, yet I will watch over you, I can never 
 
10 
 
 more be as a husband, but I'll be a friend in the hour of 
 trouble ; for sorrow and trouble will come upon you error and 
 vice produce both. I leave, tottering more under the pressure 
 of sorrow than of age. Julia, my heart bleeds yet remember, 
 when want and misery oppress your fair being, that you will 
 always find a friend in Tobias Confidence, ready and willing to 
 serve you until death. Farewell, until that hour of tribulation. 
 (Exit CONFIDENCE, weeping.') 
 
 Tunnel. Julia ! What, crying ? 
 
 Julia. Oh, Charles, what have I not sacrificed for your 
 love ? 
 
 Tunnel. He is an old hypocritical fool. 
 
 Julia. Charles, he was once my husband his words sound 
 so prophetic. 
 
 Tunnel. And is that all, for a woman in California to let 
 such trifles depress her spirits ? Leave him tome, I'll manage 
 him. 
 
 Who would have a woman's face, 
 
 Falderal, falderal, dee, dee. 
 
 ( JULIA chases him round with her fan.) 
 
 Tunnel. (Kissing her.} "Well, we'll say no more about 
 troubles; let them go whence they came. 
 
 Julia. So be it. (Enter BROWN and CLARA.) 
 
 Brown. We must away, to consult an affair of importance. 
 
 Tunnel. Ladies, expect us at ten. 
 
 Clara. Remember no longer than ten. 
 
 Julia. A word, Tunnel, (tike whispers in his ear. Exit 
 (mines.") 
 
 SCENE OPERATOR walking alone in his Parlor. 
 
 Operator. Fools ! Did they think that I was to be used as 
 a mere tool, and then cast aside when they had no further use 
 for me? They did not say in their letters, Mr. Operator, do 
 thus and so thus they shun responsibility but they led me 
 to infer that is, to keep up appearances. Well, I see thro' 
 it all, and they shall pay for it all now. This Cheapside ass 
 comes out with a heavy burden ; we will send him home with 
 his load considerably lightened. Theirs was a nice game. In 
 case of failure, upon my shoulders would rest the blame. But 
 if we don't play them a trick worth this ass's weight in gold, 
 
11 
 
 I underrate my men. (Enter MINER, TUNNEL, and BROWN.) 
 Welcome, gentlemen ; be seated. We meet on weighty busi 
 ness ; you are all conversant with its details. I have been 
 with you, and, as one of you, shared with you freely and fairly. 
 They will implicate us all, and if one goes overboard all must 
 follow. 
 
 All. We know it, and will stand by you. 
 
 Operator. He will be very strict in his examination of the 
 accounts, and he will force us to show the quartz veins, and 
 also the mill, at work, belonging to the company. The twenty 
 thousand pounds he brings belongs of right to us, for it was 
 through our representations that most of the shares were sold, 
 and if we do not manage, by some sham or trick, to get at least 
 our portion of it, depend upon it, we will be cast aside left 
 penniless upon the world, while they sit at their ease, enjoying 
 the fruits of our labor. Mind you, no violence, no threats- 
 a farce, if you will, well played a happy manoeuvre a game 
 at which we all can play. I do not mean cards. He must be 
 proved an ass a dolt a dupe. His ignorance must reflect 
 on those who sent him. 
 
 Tunnel. May it please you, sir, ideas similar to those just 
 expressed have occurred to us, and Mr. Miner has suggested a 
 happy conceit, which we offer for your consideration. This 
 Amos Ditch is said to be extremely partial to the nobility. It 
 has been remarked of him that he would give his fortune and 
 his life for an Earldom. He will trust an Earl's footman, while 
 he would refuse credit to an honest laborer. Suffice it to say, 
 that his veneration for the nobility is excessive, and Mr. Miner 
 has suggested that possibly I say he has slightly hinted 
 there might be found in California a Duke of Sacramento, and 
 a Marquis of Yuba, and, probably, should it be required, an 
 Earl of Buttes, through whom we can operate, and from whom 
 large mining property might be purchased. 
 
 Operator. By my faith, I am delighted. Ho, there, 
 Thomas ! Wine and glasses. (Enter THOMAS with wine and 
 glasses.') 
 
 Tunnel. And Mr. Brown has a most intimate friend, who 
 is now most extensively engaged in working quartz, who will 
 lend him his veins and mill for a week or so. That is, permit 
 them to appear as our property, purchased by us sometime 
 back. The veins are but now fairly opened. A list of expen 
 ses taken from his books will serve our purpose. 
 
12 
 
 Operator. Fill your glasses, and pledge me in a health to 
 the nobles of California. 
 
 All. To the nobles of California ! (They drink.} 
 Operator. Gentlemen, I pledge you, on the honor of a 
 gentleman, that I will use my best efforts to carry out your 
 plan, and I will prove my sincerity by placing five thousand 
 dollars at your disposal to facilitate your operations. Inform 
 me of your progress from time to time. Let all act in concert, 
 and' leave him to me. I will take charge of him upon his ar 
 rival, and leave his presence as little as possible. Silence must 
 be strictly observed, and be as expeditious as possible. One 
 more glass before we part. Fill your glasses to the brim, and 
 join me in wishing success to this farce. 
 
 AIL Success to this farce ! ( They fill and drink.*) 
 Operator. Remember that the proceeds of Mr. Ditch's ben 
 efit must be equally divided. 
 
 ACT IL 
 
 SCENE Bed-room. 
 
 Operator. (Prom without.) This Way, sir, this way, if 
 you please. (Enter OPERATOR, and Mr. DITCH, with Carpet 
 bag and Umbrella.} 
 
 Ditch. Quite comfortable, I declare. 
 
 Operator. Pray be seated ; I am glad you find it so. The 
 back room, to which that door leads, I have furnished for your 
 especial accommodation. I have ordered the staff to meet you 
 here to greet you with respectful obedience. They now ascend 
 the stairs. (Enter TUNNEL, MINER, SHAFT, and WHEEL.) 
 Gentlemen, this is your new Director just arrived on the last 
 steamer -Amos Ditch, Esquire, late of Cheapside, London. 
 
 All. Sir, we bid you welcome. 
 
 Tunnel. And hope that you will be pleased with our pro 
 gress. (They shake hands with him.) 
 
 Ditch. Sir, I am deucedly hobliged. Sir, the company 
 never forgets them who serves her interests. Perhaps, Mr. 
 Hoperator, you had better read the letter I brought. 
 
 Operator. Certainly, sir, (OPERATOR reads a letter 
 aloudC) 
 
13 
 
 " CHARLES OPERATOR, Esq. : 
 
 u SIR : On this letter being presented to you by our es 
 teemed representative, Amos Ditch, Esq., you will notify your 
 staff of his arrival, and surrender into his possession all prop 
 erty and gold mines belonging to the Ever-Flowing Gold 
 Fountain Quartz Mining Company; likewise all moneys and 
 papers belonging to the same. The Board of Directors 
 would suggest that you remain in the company's employ until 
 Mr. Ditch become conversant with the practical duties of his 
 office. And we further state that Mr. Ditch is provided with 
 ample means to extend the company's works or possessions. 
 When, upon examination of the books, Mr. Ditch shall give 
 you a certificate of their correctness, you are to consider your 
 time at your own disposal ; and this applies to any and all of 
 your staff that Mr. Ditch may think proper to remove." 
 
 Ditch. You see, my men, the hextent of my power and 
 don't let me catch any of you hidle be off to work. 
 
 Tunnel. But, sir, we wish to hear your instructions. 
 
 Ditch. Not hanother word, sir, or I discharge you on the 
 spot. Be hoff, and don't let me catch you late in bed to-mor 
 row morning. (Exit members of staff, bowing.^ 
 
 Operator. It is policy to deal kindly with the men. 
 
 Ditch. I hintend to turn hover a new leaf. One of the 
 hobjections put 'fore the board 'gainst you was, that you 'lowed 
 too great latitude to the men, sir. Hinstead of being here, 
 dressed up like monkeys, they should be working in the mines 
 with their coats hoff. 
 
 Operator, Sir, they are dressed in their best clothes thro' 
 respect to you nothing else. 
 
 Ditch. Aye, say you so ? that's hanother question. 
 
 Operator. Sir, you will be ushered into office under the 
 most favorable auspices. Of late the foreign quartz companies 
 have acquired some powerful friends. It was but yesterday 
 His Grace of Sacramento was heard to say that he admired ex 
 ceedingly the solid and extensive scale of English operations, 
 and he declared that he would consult with his cousin, the 
 Marquis of Yuba, as to the propriety of relieving them from 
 the burdens of taxatiom 
 
 Ditch. Sir, you 'stound me with gladness. Are you so for 
 tunate as to know them in person? 'Ave you ' ad the 'onor 
 to know them in person ? Will you hobtain han hintroduction 
 2 
 
14 
 
 for me, sir ? I shall feel so hobliged I will, hindeed. Hoh, 
 sir, if we where honly hat 'ome, hin Cheapside, to get the pick 
 hof a suit hout hof my fancy stock ! 
 
 Operator. Sir, it adds to my pleasure that I am invited to 
 spend an evening shortly with their highnesses, at Echo Hall, 
 on the banks of the Sacramento river. 
 
 Ditch. But you'll take me, Mr. Hoperator, as your friend ? 
 Do, now, that's a good fellow. 
 
 Operator. I cannot do that ; it is contrary to court eti 
 quette. But, with your permission, I'll send one of the mem 
 bers of the staff to his grace's master of ceremonies. I do not 
 think, from our intimacy, that he'll refuse me, as it is to be 
 merely a private, social audience with which he honors the 
 companies thro' me. 
 
 Ditch. Sir, use the staff as your hown. I am a thousand 
 times hobliged. You shall be my private secretary, and 'ave 
 money to keep hup your hexhalted hadvancement in hoffice. 
 Now let's go and hexamine the books. 
 
 SCENE JULIA and CLARA, seated. 
 
 Clara. But wont it make the people stare when the affair 
 gets wind ! Only to think of the Major being created a Duke, 
 and you a Duchess, and I a maid of honor yes, and Brown a 
 Marquis. 
 
 Julia. Yes, and Smith, Jones and Clark great lords, atten 
 dants upon his highness. 
 
 Clara. Well, we are only to show ourselves for a few mo 
 ments. 
 
 Julia. I shall be so amused at the Major. We shall, at 
 all events, be the gainers in new dresses. 
 
 Clara. Yes, and in paste diamonds. (Enter SERVANT 
 with a letter, which he hands to JULIA.) 
 
 Servant. Letter for you, mam left at the door. 
 
 Julia. Thank you. (Exit SERVANT.) 
 
 Clara. What news ? Who is it from ? Tunnel, I sup 
 pose. 
 
 Julia. But now I heard your husband enter your room. 
 (Exit CLARA. JULIA opens the letter and reads aloud.} 
 
 " Having heard that the officers attached to the company to 
 which your husband belongs have been removed, and fearing 
 
15 
 
 such an unexpected event might deprive you of your usual 
 comforts of life, I herewith enclose you a check for five hun 
 dred dollars. TOBIAS CONFIDENCE." 
 
 I shall send it back no, though I disown him I will not 
 insult his goodness. I shall use the money no, that would 
 be a deception practiced on Tunnel. (Enter TUNNEL.) 
 
 Julia. Tunnel, read (handing him the letter?) 
 
 Tunnel. We want neither his money nor his sympathy. 
 Though money at all times is acceptable, yet I'll send it back 
 with a note. You must be ready to-morrow for rehearsal. 
 
 Julia. I will attend, with my maid of honor. 
 
 Tunnel. Let us visit Brown and Clara in their room. (Exit 
 loth.} 
 
 SCENE A Parlor. MINER and OPERATOR, seated. 
 
 Operator. Never was a plan more admirably contrived to 
 obtain our rightful dues. Those heartless men at home must 
 be made to feel through their pockets. 
 
 Miner. We have fixed the date of the invitation on the day 
 on which the lancers will parade. These can be pointed out as 
 the Duke's body guard. We are fitting up the now abandoned 
 hotel on an extavagant style, built by Rich, the great specula 
 tor, on the river bank, where he expected to sell town lots. 
 
 Operator. This fellow, Ditch, has made no acquaintances. 
 Tell Brown I wish to see him, to arrange about our friend's 
 quartz mill. Away ! He comes ! Contrive to see me to-night. 
 (Exit MINER.) So rises the sun, which is to melt this mass of 
 ignorance. (Enter DITCH.). 
 
 Ditch. Sir, ham pleased to find your accounts are correct 
 to a penny. There is your receipt. (Gives a paper.} 
 
 Operator. Sir, I am glad you are satisfied. (Aside.} 
 Thanks to Smith. 
 
 Ditch. Be good enough to hinform me 'bout the state of 
 this Hempire ' } because his grace might hundertake to pump 
 me. 
 
 t Operator. This Empire is ruled over by King Ferdinando 
 cundo; he resides in his palace at Monterey ; he is very pop 
 ular among his subjects, having great dislike to forms and cer 
 emonies ; he is rather young that is, green wherefore most 
 of the government is administered by his royal uncle, to whom, 
 
16 
 
 in all probability, you will receive an introduction. However, 
 the young king is not devoid of talent or courage, as this was 
 clearly shown in his last great war with Solouque, Emperor of 
 St. Domingo, resulting from causes which it would be too te 
 dious to explain. The four great powers of Europe, have, by 
 a secret treaty, determined on merging this vast Empire, in 
 part or whole, into the great republic of the United States. 
 
 Ditch. The capital of which is New York. I've 'card talk 
 hoff it. 
 
 Operator. Exactly. Now all the nobles of this Empire, as 
 soon as it becomes an integral portion of this republic, are to 
 be styled Senators, and the King is to be appointed President 
 of the United States, for a term of years, when he is to resign 
 in favor of his Grace's heir, to whose presence I am seeking 
 admittance for you. 
 
 Ditch. Do tell me ! 'As the hinvitation come ? 
 
 Operator. Never fear; his promise is sufficient. 
 
 Ditch. Yes, but 'ow will we know when his Grace harrives ? 
 
 Operator. After leaving his Grace at his villa, they parade 
 through the city I mean his body guard. (Enter SERVANT 
 with a card. Gives it to OPERATOR.) 
 
 Servant. An officer of the Royal Guard. 
 
 Operator. Don Alphonso de Cogeroj (handing DITCH tlif- 
 card ;) show him up instantly. He is general of the army. 
 
 Ditch. What har you staring at, you confounded fool '( 
 Go quick, hand bring him hup, hor I'll kick you down the 
 steps. (Exit SERVANT.) Hoperator, 'ow can you keep such 
 hignorant brutes 'bout you ? They would drive me inad. To 
 think hof letting one of his Grace's representatives stand hat 
 the door for a moment. 
 
 Operator. He comes ! Be dignified, Mr. Ditch, yet affa 
 bly polite. These gentlemen are very observant. (Entev 
 SMITH, in uniform, as Don Alphonso.^ 
 
 Operator. Sir, we feel greatly honored by this piece of" 
 condescension. (Offering a chair, ) 
 
 Ditch. Sir, you hexhalt my respectability. 
 
 Don. Be seated, gentlemen. Your requests are granted. 
 I am requested to present you with his royal highness' master 
 of ceremonies' compliments, and to assure you of his highest 
 considerations of respect. 
 
 Operator. May I be so, bold as to inquire when his Grace 
 will return to his villa ? 
 
IT 
 
 Don Alph. The hour is uncertain, but you will be notified. 
 So good morning, gentlemen. (Exit, bowing.) 
 
 Operator. Return my humble thanks. 
 
 Ditch. Hand my most 'umble respects. 
 
 Operator. You see, we must be off for the mines to-morrow. 
 
 Ditch. We're hin for hit now. Prodigious ! I can spare 
 you but a few 'ours hin hexhamiuing the mill and veins, has I 
 would not niiss this hopportunity of visiting his 'Ighness for all 
 the hempire hof Californy. Mr. Hoperator, we must, hof 
 course, be hattended by a little state. Let a member hof the 
 staff be sent before us to hann ounce our hexpected harrival hat 
 the mill. 
 
 Operator. (Aside.) Royalty is contagious. A capital idea, 
 sir. 
 
 Ditch. Sir, let the best coach hin the city be hengaged, 
 hand let hour servants hattend hon 'orseback. 
 
 Operator. Sir, your most honorable commands shall be 
 most strictly obeyed. 
 
 Ditch. Sir, you'll lose nothing by strict hobedience to my 
 horders. 
 
 SCENE CONFIDENCE icalking in his room. Enter SERVANT. 
 
 Servant. I delivered the letter at the door, and a maid 
 servant said she was well. 
 
 Confidence. 'Tis well. Now go. (Exit SERVANT.) Dark 
 ness gathers o'er the world, material apparent but the regions 
 of thought ever glow with celestial brightness an atmosphere 
 so transparent pervading that we see the past as the present, 
 and almost behold the creations of the future pictured on its 
 horizon. The truly intellectual reverse the order of nature. 
 The night is their day, the day their night. (Enter BREES.) 
 Most welcome, friend Brees ; how fares it with thee ? 
 
 Brees. Thank you, well. Bat, Confidence, why so low 
 spirited? Don't take from the past that which belongs to it; 
 forget it yes, sir, forget it. 
 
 Confidence. Were I to forget, it would imply an absence of 
 memory. Strive to forget it, the very effort but more vividly 
 portrays its scenes. 
 
 Brees. Then live in hopes of a better ending of your sor 
 rows. 
 
18 
 
 Confidence. As we grow older we hope less and fear more. 
 
 Brees. Then mingle more in the ever-bustling, striving 
 world. By meditating upon the miseries of others, we forget, 
 or, rather, neglect our own misfortunes. 
 
 Confidence. The world ! A place that is ever changing 
 a thing that glitters but to deceive a mass of low cunning and 
 foul corruption. Mingle with the world! Why, sir, the more 
 I see and know of it, the greater grows my disgust for my 
 own nature, and the more my confidence in the justness of 
 Heaven abates. Let us, while we may, keep it at a distance, 
 for, believe me, it improves not on close inspection. A few 
 deeds of human kindness cannot ennoble it the few flowers of 
 virtue that decorate its vast fields of action cannot beautify it 
 a few scattering tears from the eyes of innocence cannot purify 
 it. Sir, it stinks believe me, it is rotten. 
 
 Brees. Your present state of mind forbids me offering 
 consolation. (Enter SERVANT with a letter, which he hands 
 to CONFIDENCE, who reads.) 
 
 Confidence. Listen, since you know all, friend Brees; I 
 will not keep this from you. (He reads aloud.) 
 
 u To Mr. TOBIAS CONFIDENCE : 
 
 "SiR : My wife disclaims all knowledge of you or your 
 pretensions, and will thank you, in future, not to trespass upon 
 her atttention. She has drawn the money for the check, and 
 bestowed it upon a charitable institution. For the last time, 
 I warn you to desist from your insolent intrusions. . '\ 
 
 C. RICHARD TUNNEL." 
 
 Brees. May you not, after all, be mistaken in the woman ? 
 
 Confidence. Am I a fool ? Do you really suppose that a 
 man does not know his own wife when he sees her ? She was 
 mine and is his, and, in the end, may be any man's who weds 
 her. 
 
 Brees. But is this woman really married to this man ? 
 
 Confidence. Now, by Heaven, I never thought of that. 
 Yet, hold the bare idea makes me shudder with a hellish fear. 
 Married, even though I live, she may be pure and unsullied in 
 person or sentiment. Unmarried a mistress false to one, 
 she's false to all. No more of this, I pray you. Do not breathe 
 a whisper of inquiry on the point. Move not the bush lest the 
 snake appear. 
 
19 
 
 Brees. You are awfully agitated ; be more composed. 
 
 Confidence. Sir, you dose the sick man with poison, and 
 then stab by insinuation ha, ha! not married I (He fall*, 
 exhausted, into the arms of BREES.) 
 
 ACT III, 
 
 SCENE Quartz Ledge, Leing worked. Mountains and quartz 
 mill. Two friends of BROWN, digging . 
 
 1st Miner. There, they've come. Only look at the old 
 cock as he descends from the carriage. He looks completely 
 used up. I hope they'll manage the thing rightly. 
 
 2d Miner. Hush ! they will hear you. Remain silently at 
 work, and let me act my part. (Enter DITCH, OPERATOR, 
 TUNNEL, and MINER.) 
 
 Operator. This is the company's honorable Director, men. 
 
 1st and 2d Miners. We are glad to see you, sir (bowing.) 
 
 Ditch. What han 'orrid ride we've 'ad hof it. I'll de 
 clare I shall complain to his Royal Highness about their 
 roughness. I shall feel sore for a whole week. Is this big 
 hill the lode of quartz, hand that white hand red sand-stone 
 there the quartz? 
 
 Operator. Sir, this strata of red and white rock, running, 
 as you see, in a northerly direction, is the vein, or lode of 
 quartz, belonging to the company. 
 
 Ditch. Where hare the blocks hof gold ? 
 
 Operator. Sir, most of the gold is disseminated through 
 the rock, not visible to the naked eye. 
 
 Miner. Nor to the microscopic, either. (Aside.) 
 
 Operator. Though, as we descend upon the ledge, the gold 
 becomes larger. We expect to reach the metallic embodiments 
 in two months. 
 
 Ditch. Where do you get them 'andsome specimens you 
 sent us at 'orne ? 
 
 Operator. The men daily find them in digging. Perhaps 
 they have found some to-day. 
 
 Id Miner. Yes, sir, of course though I put most of them 
 into the cart on its last trip to the mill. You will find some on 
 that pile of dirt. (OPERATOR and MINER pick the specimen* 
 and hand them to DITCH.) 
 
20 
 
 
 2d Miner. I can pick out better ones, if you'll permit me 
 to look among that pile of ore. 
 
 Ditch. No, sir, stick to your work. Waste no time, my 
 men. Very pretty specimens bin deed. Hin future save hall 
 you dig out. I want an 'ogshead hor two hof such specimens 
 to send as presents to the stockholders. 
 
 2d Miner. Yes, sir, we shall obey your honor. 
 
 Ditch. Don't you think they steal a good many hof these 
 specimens? (A&ide to OPERATOR.) 
 
 Operator. Don't trouble yourself on this point. The Em 
 pire is so filled with pure gold that no one will be annoyed with 
 carrying them about. 
 
 Ditch. My men, what wages do you get ? 
 
 2d Miner. Five dollars per day. 
 
 Ditch. Prodigious! Five dollars a day? Why, that 
 would be wages for a week's work at 'ome. 
 
 2d Miner. It is the standing wages in quartz diggings. 
 Besides, his Royal Highness the Duke sometimes gives as 
 high as six. 
 
 Ditch. Ha well, I see that's hanother question. I see 
 two mills on the hill; hare they both quartz mills? 
 
 2d Miner. Yes, sir ; the first is the company's mill the 
 other belongs to his Highness the Duke, though people say 
 they ought both to belong to the Fountain Company. 
 
 Ditch. Why so, my men ? 
 
 2d Miner. Because the mines are connected, and it would 
 be a great addition to the company's property ; for it could 
 make more than double the money it does now, because that 
 part of the mine is the richest. 
 
 Ditch. His mill is not running now, I hunderstand. 
 
 2d Miner. No, sir ; that mill defrays all his Grace's trav 
 eling expenses, and his Director only lets it run when money 
 is wanted for that purpose. 
 
 Ditch. Thank you, my man, and here's a shilling to drink 
 my 'elth, for both hof you. The company is halways generous 
 to those who serve 'er well. 
 
 1st Miner. One more shilling, please your honor; they 
 charge one shilling a glass. 
 
 Ditch. The monsters ! I'll not do hit. Hit would buy six 
 drinks at 'ome. Place them specimens carefully hin your 
 'andkerchief, Tunnel, and bring them along don't let them 
 strike your knees, they might get broken. 
 
21 
 
 Tunnel. I shall obey. (Placing the stones in his kerchieft) 
 Ditch. Now, Mr. Hoperator, give me your harm, hand let's 
 look at the mill, hand then hat his Royal Highness' property. 
 
 SCENE A Street. Major KILFARDY, and Low and HIGH.) 
 
 Major. A beautiful republic this, that a man can't walk 
 the streets of independence without having an old piece of 
 paper, with black marks on to it, shoved under one's nose. 
 
 Low. I merely presented my bill, and desired payment. 
 
 Major. Yes, sir, shoved under my nose without reason or 
 justification. Sir, it's offensive. You've carried that paper in 
 your pocket so long that it smells yes, sir, smells musty. 
 
 High. The bill has been standing a long time without being 
 settled. 
 
 Major. And do you think, sir, it will ever settle by car 
 rying it about with you ? Take it home, put it into your desk, 
 don't shake it, and, by the least hair of my head, it will settle 
 itself. 
 
 High. You old heated mass of filth ! You old bloated frog- 
 stool I I will have our money. 
 
 Major. Don't threaten, sir; I'll take the law of ye. Now, 
 do you see, there are two classes of debts : First, the debt of 
 nature, which we can't help paying ; and the debt of gratitude 
 we owe our parents, which we never can fully pay. 
 
 Low. But the other kind of debts, Major, if you please. 
 
 Major. Ah, yes; do ye see, the other kind of debt, the 
 debt old mother earth owes to us yes, sir, she owes every 
 man a living; but, by my faith, she's a slow paymaster some 
 times and I'm after dunning her now. Good morning, gen 
 tlemen, and when you want a friend call on Major Kilfardy. 
 (Exit MAJOR.) 
 
 Low. Let him go ; I don't want a fuss in the street, for 
 he can swear like a trooper. He's engaged in a great swindle. 
 I went to his house to demand his bill, and overheard the 
 whole plot. Depend upon it, I'll take him unawares, and if 
 he don't pay I'll blow out the whole bunch of them, and their 
 rascally plot. Leave the matter to me Low and High are 
 bound to get their money. Ha, ha I if I don't catch my gen 
 tleman in a tight place. 
 
22 
 
 SCENE OPERATOR'S Parlor. Mr. DITCH, in his shirtsleeves, 
 admiring a coat. 
 
 Ditch. What ban ad-mirable taste that Hoperator 'as. 
 What han 'appy hinvention. I see thro' hit, though. Silver 
 buttons ! Where gold is so plenty silver must be a rarity 
 contrast, heh ! I see thro' it. This coat is bound to 'tract his 
 Grace's notice. Ha, ha ! I shall become notified popular 
 dignorated ! (Flourish of trumpets from without. Enter OP 
 ERATOR, with newspaper in his hand.) 
 
 Operator. Quick ! to the window, Mr. Ditch, if you would 
 see his Grace's body guard, who are now passing up the street. 
 (Aside.) Lancers on parade. 'Twas not a bad idea. (DiTCH 
 raises the window and looks out.) 
 
 Ditch. That's what I call nobility. 
 
 Operator. Give me your attention. I have procured the 
 evening newspaper. 
 
 Ditch. Won moment, Hoperator. (Head still out the win 
 dow.) There, they've turned the corner gone to the station- 
 house, I suppose. ( Withdraws his head.) 
 
 Operator. Allow me to read a paragraph it concerns us 
 both. How editors find out these things is a mystery to me. 
 
 Ditch. Head on, sir. My boots ! how fat their 'orses. 
 
 Operator.- (Reading aloud.) u His Grace of Sacramento 
 has returned to his villa, and we are glad to see his Highness 
 apparently enjoying such excellent health. We understand 
 that he intends honoring two distinguished foreign gentlemen 
 with a social audience this evening. We have further h-eard 
 that the Marquis of Yuba is hourly expected, to advise with 
 his Royal Highness upon matters of state.'' 
 
 Ditch. Sir, I ham bewildered with delight ! Sir, I ham 
 enchanted I Give me your 'and you shall be rewarded. Let 
 me read it, sir. (Takes the paper and reads it aloud.) Buy 
 a dozen copies of this paper; I wish to send 'em 'ome. 
 
 Operator. I will do your pleasure. 
 
 Ditch. Won't they stare hiii Europe ? Won't they bow, 
 and point their Jew-led fingers hat me, hand whisper " There 
 goes the hintimate friend of his Royal 'Ighness Duke of Sac-* 
 ramento" ? he, he ! I say, tho', Hop, we musent forget the 
 company's hinterest. I say, Hop, we'll have that mine and 
 quartz mill. He, he ! We'll press him this hevening mark 
 
23 
 
 if I don't. I'm a business man, hand, hat hall 'azards, the 
 company must 'ave that hexcellent property. 
 
 Operator. Sir, I am decidedly of your opinion. 
 
 Ditch. What do you think he'll hask for it ? 
 
 Operator. It is impossible to say. But this much I will 
 say that if the company can purchase the mill and vein for 
 seventy-five thousand dollars they will get a bargain. 
 
 Ditch. But that's a large sum my boots, hit his ! 
 
 Operator. You may, during the audience, casually state 
 that the Directors at home had expressed a desire to unite the 
 properties, and, if he is willing to oblige you, he will order his 
 private secretary to retire with you to his office, and arrange 
 the matter with you at once. Give him a check for the money, 
 get the secretary's receipt, and you have made the best bargain 
 that ever was made for a company. 
 
 Ditch. But why in such han 'urry ? By my boots, but its 
 a 'large sum. 
 
 Operator. Because he may never be in such a humor 
 again j and, as he wishes to encourage extensive mining opera 
 tions in his brother's dominions, he might grant you now what 
 he would refuse in future ; besides, by checking for the money 
 at once, will estimate your worth in the eyes of the nobility. 
 Be careful to make your check payable to bearer, as Dukes are 
 never known in business transactions of sale. 
 
 Ditch. By my boots, it's a large sum. Yet I suppose we 
 must have the property. 
 
 Operator. Be careful to put your private mark on your 
 check, for I would not have it protested for all the diamonds 
 in Brazil. The hour approaches let's dress and be off. The 
 carriage and our attendants will soon be in waiting. 
 
 Ditch. Sir, I feel sick hat the stomach. 
 
 Operator. It's only excitement, as the time draws near. 
 I was so myself when I was first presented. 
 
 SCENE Reception Room. MAJOR, as Duke, seated in a large 
 crimson chair; JULIA, as Duchess; CLARA, as Maid 
 of Honor ; SMITH, as Don Alphonso, general of 
 the army ; JONES, as Private Secretary ; CLARK, as 
 Master of Ceremonies. Other attendants at Court. 
 
 Duke. Zounds ! empty purse and hungry guts. 
 
 Private Sec. Will your Royal Highness have a suck of gas ? 
 
24 
 
 Duke. I have no desire to rant, unless to kill these thou 
 sand fleas that irritate my skin. 
 
 Duchess. I hope your Grace is not indisposed. 
 
 Duke. No, Duchess, only delicately annoyed. Head for 
 the doctor. 
 
 Master of Cer. The Duke complains. 
 
 All. The Duke is ill. (They groan.} 
 
 Duchess. What ails your Royal Highness ? For what do 
 you require the doctor? Oh, speak quickly your Grace. 
 
 Duke. Tell him to bring a phial of effervescent acid, to 
 kill all the voracious fleas that stick to my hide. 
 
 Master of Cer. Oh, haste, Don Alphonso ! haste ! 
 
 Don Alph. I go, my Lord. 
 
 Duke. Yet stay brandy and water will soothe them. 
 
 Master of Cer. With pleasure, your Grace. (Hands bran 
 dy and water.} 
 
 Duke. Death to all irritating vermin. (Drinking.} 
 
 All. Death to all irritating vermin. 
 
 Don Alph. Will your Grace indulge us with a song ? 
 
 Duke. Your audacity shocks my veracity. Beware, Don 
 Alphonso ! Minion, tremble ! 
 
 Don Alph. I humbly crave your G-race's pardon. (Kneel- 
 ing.} 
 
 Duke. Arise! 'tis granted live! Do ye see, Dukes can 
 be merciful. 
 
 Private Sec. Major, don't forget your part; none of your 
 "do you sees" here be cautious. 
 
 Duke. I am always open to conviction. 
 
 Master of Cer. And, for the blunder, we'll fine you with a 
 song. You must sing I am serious. 
 
 All. His G-race must sing. 
 
 Duke. I scorn to refuse. (He sings.} 
 
 A Duke is a wonderful thing 
 
 He lives on the fat of the land 
 He's second to none but the King ; 
 
 About him there's something that's grand. 
 He's fond of the lassies, I swear, 
 
 And the lassies are fond of his state ; 
 He's likely to grant them an heir, 
 
 And leave them to fortune and fate. 
 He sits on a cushion of red, 
 
 And feasts on a chowder of hash, 
 
25 
 
 And often he vexes his head 
 
 About getting rid of his cash. 
 He pays all his debts with a bow, 
 
 And dances attendance at court, 
 And, if he should get in a row, 
 
 He flies to his castle or fort. 
 When curs'd with an ache in the head, 
 
 They notify all the great Dukes, 
 Who gather around his sick bed, 
 
 And send to Missouri for pukes. 
 
 Master of Cer. Your Grace is in excellent tune to-night. 
 
 Duke. No, sir, there is a string loose. 
 
 Duchess. Where, your Highness ? 
 
 Duke. My purse string it must be tightened, or I shall be 
 seized with flatulency. (Loud talking without.) What noise 
 is that which greets our royal ear with harshness? 'Tis a 
 grating sound. Don Alphonso, at the sword's point, hasten to 
 quell the fierce disturbance ! (Exit DON ALPHONSO.) Doth 
 desperate treason invade our royal presence ? Dare the igno 
 rant masses to rebel ? If so, we must away to Sutter's Fort ; 
 and there, secure, we'll bid defiance to all alarms until my Lord 
 of Buttes shall march to our relief with forty thousand squaws. 
 (Noise without.) My sword ! Sound the alarm bell ! King 
 loud the cry of battle ! To arms ! they come ! (Enter Low, 
 followed by DON ALPHONSO.) 
 
 Don. By force he would intrude upon your Highness. He is, 
 by some mishap, acquainted with our condition. 
 
 Duke. Is that all ? I thought we were beset by forty 
 hundred tigers. What wretch is this ? Comes he here to seek 
 redress for wrongs sustained in civil broils ? If so, our royal 
 presence is never denied to the aggrieved subject. 
 
 Low. Major Kilfardy, if you don't pay this bill I'll explode 
 the whole of this infernal plot. (Holds up a bill to the DUKE, 
 who reads.) 
 
 Duke. Ham, butter, eggs, mackerel ; what the duce does 
 the fellow mean ? Sir, you smell fishy ! 
 
 Low. You old bloated toad 
 
 Don Alph. He insults his Grace. 
 
 All. Away with him ! ( They seize him. He struggles, 
 and is carried off, calling for help.) 
 
 Duke. Let him be closely confined in the old ice-house 
 until day-break. I wonder if heaven is free from duns ? 
 3 
 
26 
 
 Duchess. His Grace is silent with rage. 
 
 Clara. These yankees pay no more respect to Dukeg than 
 as if they were men like themselves. 
 
 Julia. They believe all men equal by birth. Poor igno 
 rant creatures ! The idea of his Grace eating ham, eggs, or 
 mackerel how vulgar ! 
 
 Clara. Do you know it, your Highness they say it is a 
 fact that they eat cabbage and rattle-snakes, and drink to 
 bacco tea at supper ? 
 
 Duchess. Abominable ! Shocking, pon honor ! ( Confu 
 sion without. Enter DON ALPHONSO and PRIVATE SECRE 
 TARY.) 
 
 Don. Alph. To your places ! They come ! (A voice 
 without.) The Right Honorable Amos Ditch's carriage stops 
 the way. 
 
 Duke. Ahem, our guests are early. (Enter DITCH, OPE 
 RATOR, TUNNEL, and MASTER or CEREMONIES.) 
 
 Master of Ceremonies. The Eight Honorable Amos Ditch. 
 (DiTCH bows, and falls on one Jcnee.) 
 
 Duke. Arise, worthy sir, and salute her Grace the Duch 
 ess. Permit this worthy friend, Duchess, to salute your hand. 
 (She gives her hand, to which he kneels and kisses.) 
 
 Duchess. Sir, you are most welcome. 
 
 Ditch. I am bewildered with surprise at your condecension. 
 I feel charmingly inspired. 
 
 Duchess. Arise, sir. This is our lovely maid of honor, 
 Lady Blanco. (He gets up and takes the hand which CLARA 
 offers.] 
 
 Clara. You are, indeed, most welcome. 
 
 Duke. Duchess you have fulfilled your promise in honoring 
 us with your presence until these worthy gentlemen arrived. 
 Come, salute me with the honest kiss of a royal wife, and then 
 thou art at liberty to retire. ( JULIA kisses him.) And now 
 away to the land of dreams. 
 
 Clara. (Aside.) What impudence ! He presumes ! 
 
 Duke. These worthy gentlemen will pardon your departure. 
 
 Ditch. Most willingly, if such is your Grace's humor. (Exit 
 ladies, bowing. Aside to OPERATOR.) By my boots, how fat 
 
 he is! 
 
 Operator. They live high, and take little exercise. (Aside.) 
 Ditch. Right; I see, 'tis a sign of nobility. (Aside.} 
 
27 
 
 Duke. Worthy Mr. Operator, what a likeness your friend 
 bears to the Count of San Francisco. 
 
 Don. 'Tis astonishing. 
 
 Ditch. Your Royal 'Ighness, I fear, pays the Count no 
 compliment. 
 
 Duke. There's where you err, Europeans are all fine look 
 ing men. I have three in my life guards ; they are the admi 
 ration of the whole court. 
 
 Operator. Why don't you reply ? (Aside to DITCH.) 
 
 Ditch. I'm hafraid my mouth won't hopen. (Aside.] 
 
 Operator. I'm glad my countrymen find such favor in your 
 royal sight. 
 
 Ditch. Thanks to their roast beef. It makes them strong. 
 It gives 'em tough muscles and big bones, your Highness. 
 
 Duke. True ; I had forgotten. Don Alphonso, let the 
 guards in future live on roast beef. 
 
 Don Alph. Your Grace's wishes are my commands. 
 
 Ditch. I've seed the yankees in New- York. They're tall, 
 slim and gawky. They say that they live on tobacco worms. 
 
 Duke. Aye, I see. Thank you for the information. How 
 observant you foreigners are. I declare that it is most extra 
 ordinary. Don Alphonso, in future let the small of stature in 
 the fifth infantry be fed on tobacco worms. 
 
 Don Alph. I shall obey your Highness. 
 
 Operator. (Aside to DITCH.) You've got him in humor; 
 at him about the property. 
 
 Ditch. Ahem, your Grace. 
 
 Duke. What is your pleasure, my worthy sir? 
 
 Ditch. Ahem, your Grace your 'Ighness 'as a quartz mill 
 hand ledge. 
 
 Duke. Speak, sir ; let us know your request. 
 
 Ditch. They join hour property. Some think that hit 'ad 
 better be together, hand that your Grace would permit us to 
 make you han hoffer to purchase, thro' your secretary. I 'ope 
 you will not think me possessing too much hinsurance. 
 
 Duke. I shall be most happy to oblige you ; and, to show 
 how willing I am to oblige, you shall retire with my secretary 
 to his private office and complete the arrangement at once. 
 
 Private Sec. Has your Royal Highness considered that 
 this is one of the richest mines in your Royal Nephew's Em 
 pire ? 
 
28 
 
 Duke. If you wish not to incur my royal displeasure, pro 
 ceed with this gentleman instantly to your office, and settle 
 this trifling business at once, and for all ; nor be exorbitant 
 in your demands. 
 
 Private Sec. I obey, craving your Grace's pardon. 
 
 Duke. 'Tis granted. A word with you, for your private 
 ear. (He talks aside with SECRETARY.) 
 
 Operator. Kemember, we must be expeditious. Forget 
 not what I told you. (Aside to DITCH.) 
 
 Ditch. Never fear ; Til silence this secretary, with a bribe, 
 see hif hi don't. ( Aside.') 
 
 Tunnel. We must have the property. (Aside to DITCH.) 
 
 Ditch. Hinsolent ! Dare to haddress me hin the presence 
 of his Highness ! ( Aside to TUNNEL.) 
 
 Private Sec. Are you ready, sir? (To DITCH.) 
 
 Ditch. Quite ready, your lordship. 
 
 Don Alph. Shall I order a guard of honor for you lord 
 ship ? 
 
 Private Sec. 'Tis but a step to my office ; no, thank you, 
 Don Alphonso. (Exit MASTER or CEREMONIES.) 
 
 Operator. Only give him a check and take a receipt; 'twill 
 take but a few moments. (Aside to DITCH, as he follows the 
 SECRETARY out.} 
 
 Duke. G-ive me some brandy and water, to chill my sweat. 
 
 Don Alph^ It will increase your Highness' perspiration. 
 
 Duke. No, my lord, it will increase evaporation. It is 
 drying in its effects. I've given many a man a glass to dry-up. 
 
 Operator. Speed must be used, That fellow Low will let 
 the cat out of the bag in the morning. (Enter BROWN.) 
 
 Brown. Fear not, he is in the keeping of my two friends. 
 Do not be in too great a haste to conclude the scene. Thus 
 far all goes on well; only terminate as you have commenced. 
 (Exit BROWN.) 
 
 Tunnel. Brown has chartered the steamer Phenix ; at eight 
 o'clock to-morrow morning we shall all be in San Francisco 
 with the check. 
 
 Duke. 'Tis well. Any objection to a segar, my lords? 
 
 Djon. Take care that we do not fine your Grace for a blun 
 der. 
 
 Duke, Do you see, I shall melt; open the window and give 
 me a^r, (Enter MASTER or CEREMONIES.) 
 
29 
 
 Master of Cer. Hush ! To your places they come ! 
 Your Royal Highness is not disposed to subscribe to the stock 
 of the Pacific Railroad ? 
 
 .Duke. I will consult with my Royal Nephew upon the ad 
 venture. (Enter PRIVATE SECRETARY, with DITCH.) 
 
 Private Sec. In obedience to your Grace's commands, I 
 have disposed of your Grace's mining property. 
 
 Duke. Enough of this. ; Tis done ; there is the end of it. 
 Are you satisfied, Mr. Ditch ? 
 
 Ditch. I ham fully satisfied and pleased. Hin the compa 
 ny's name, I hofferyou their heartfelt gratitude. 
 
 (A voice from without ) The Right Honorable Marquis of 
 Yuba's carriage stops the way. (Enter BROWN, as Marquis, 
 in haste. ) 
 
 Duke. By my Royal Nephew's crown, Marquis, thou art 
 most welcome. 
 
 Marquis. Many thanks, your Grace. (They shake hands.) 
 
 Duke. You seem fatigued, Marquis. These worthy friends 
 are my guests. 
 
 Marquis. I am at your service, gentlemen. (Bowing.*) 
 
 Operator. We acknowledge the obligation of your saluta 
 tion. 
 
 Ditch. Your lordship may feel hassured of hour grateful re 
 membrance. (Bowing.) 
 
 Marquis. Many thanks, kind friends. 
 
 Duke. Marquis, the haste with which you have traveled 
 indicates that you are the bearer of evil tidings. 
 
 Marquis. Yes, your Grace, that rash and daring boy, my 
 Lord of Buttes, ordered all the fishing nets of the Indians on 
 the river to be destroyed. The chiefs resisted, and, unfortu 
 nately, two of this young lord's servants were wounded in the 
 affray. This young lord, unlike his noble father, is danger 
 ously cunning, and most cruelly treacherous. Smothering his 
 wrath under the pillow of peace, he assembled many of the 
 chiefs to a great pow-wow at his castle, and brutally poisoned 
 the whole number invited. 
 
 Duke. Oh, most inhuman monster ! 
 All. Oh, most inhuman monster ! 
 
 Marquis. The tribes, far and near, have mustered their 
 forces, and all their warriors swear vengeance, and have laid 
 seige to his castle of Buttes. 
 
Duke. This is the foulest of murders ; yet the castle must 
 be saved as a point de guerre. Let the Count of San Francisco 
 march to its relief with all the forces stationed at Benicia. Let 
 my Lord of Buttes be brought before us when rescued. Let 
 him be tried by the privy council, over which I appoint you 
 to preside, just Marquis. Don Alphonso, you will give your 
 orders accordingly, and with dispatch. Away to the scene of 
 action ! (Exit DON ALPHONSO, bowing.} My Lord der Mai- 
 son, the audience is dissolved. (The DUKE takes of his 
 crown, and bows to the company.*) 
 
 Master of Cer. Gentlemen, permit me to attend you to the 
 coach. (To DITCH, and OPERATOR and TUNNEL, who follow 
 him out, after bowing to the DUKE.) 
 
 Duke. The wicked boy, to slay in cold blood such gallant 
 
 (A voice from without.) The Right Honorable Amos Ditch' 
 carriage stops the way. 
 
 Marquis. 'Twas basely done. 
 
 Duke. Basely and murderously performed ! and, I swear 
 it by my cousin's crown of Brazil, that he shall suffer for his 
 devilish cruelty. (Enter MASTER OF CEREMONIES.) 
 
 Marquis. For what sum is the check ? 
 
 Private Sec. For seventy-five thousand dollars. Here it 
 is. (Holds up the check. They assemble round and look at 
 
 a.) 
 
 Duke. By my crown, but it was fairly won. Gods, how I 
 sweat ! It must be past midnight. 
 
 Master of Cer. The proceeds to be equally divided among 
 all the actors. (Enter DON ALPHONSO.) 
 
 Brown. Of course. Whoever thinks the contrary is a vil 
 lain. (Enter CLARA and JULIA.) 
 
 Don Alph. Let us hasten on board the Phenix. Out with 
 the lights ! Our pass-word is Phenix. (They knock out the 
 lights^ Great confusion and scrambling.) 
 
ACT IV. 
 
 SCENE An old ice-house, with a door. A voice from within. 
 Knocking heard. 
 
 Low. Open the door, you bloody pack of thieves. (Law 
 bursts open the door and rushes out.} 
 
 Low. Villains ! Where have you gone ? 
 
 Echo. On. 
 
 Low. Scoundrel ! You've just put the lights out. 
 
 Echo. Out. 
 
 Low. Who's that speaks so nigh? 
 
 Echo. I. 
 
 Low. Who answers nie so ? 
 
 Echo. Low. 
 
 Low. Poh ! it's my own voice. They've fled; but if I 
 don't explode it, may the devil seize me. They've done a great 
 swindle, and I know it ; yes> and I've been paid my bill with 
 a vengeance. But only wait till I get to town if we don't see 
 fun when a constable examines this place ; yet it's a bad go 
 for me anyhow, but it shall be worse for them, darnation take it. 
 
 SCENE CONFIDENCE walking in his room. 
 
 Confidence. Great Providence, in its unerring wisdom, has 
 thus afflicted me, and I ought not to complain. But when the 
 heart's cords of affectio,n are rent in twain, and the breast 
 swells with an aching void, the mind, through sympathy, re 
 sponds but to increase the restless longings of a grieving soul. 
 Denied insulted by the wife of my choice, and most anxious 
 solicitude. To curse her would not allay the pangs of memory. 
 To pardon why it would shock the dignity of manly worth. 
 But she has not asked for mercy. Her life goes on down the 
 stream of time, heedless, reckless, fearless of the rock on which 
 it must eventually be lost lost to me lost to her friends, and 
 lost to immortal bliss. (He sighs.} 
 
 SCENE OPERATOR'S Parlor, with a bedstead. DITCH enters 
 in haste \ 
 
 Ditch. 'Tis strange, I swear it by my boots ! I've searched 
 through the whole city, hand cannot find Hoperator nor none 
 hof my staff; and, what's stranger still, when I hasked and 
 
32 
 
 hinquired habout his Grace, they laughed right in my face, 
 hand said the honly Duke hin Californy that they knew hof 
 was a picture of his Grace of Whellington, pointing at the 
 same time to a bookstore window. (Enter Low.) 
 
 Low. Is your name Ditch ? 
 
 Ditch. Yes sir; h'Amos Ditch, hesquire. 
 
 Low. Did you buy a quartz ledge last night ? 
 
 Ditch. Yes, sir; his Royal 'Ighness favored me above hall 
 men. 
 
 Low. Permit me to say, that you have been most gloriously 
 humbugged sucked in swallowed down. 
 
 Ditch. Sir, beware how you give hutterance to such trea 
 sonable hexpressions. They might reach his Grace's ears. 
 
 Low. Sir, I pity you. You have been the victim of a 
 most dastardly plot, sir. This State of California is one of the 
 States that compose the United States. It has a governor 
 elected by the people of this State; but the governor of all the 
 States resides at Washington, and is called the President of the 
 United States. 
 
 Ditch. Sir ! sir ! I feel 
 
 Low. It was all a plot to get your money. I hope the ras 
 cals have not succeeded. 
 
 Ditch. Sir, you frighten me, hindeed you do. 
 
 Low. While the farce was going on at that deserted hotel 
 on the river bank, and which they had fitted up for the occa 
 sion, I went there to put you on your guard, but you had not 
 arrived. Sir, they seized me by force, and put me into an old 
 ice-house, where I was confined until this morning. I have 
 been in search of the villains, and learn that they all started 
 last night on the steamer Phenix, which they had chartered, 
 bound for San Francisco. Sir, I pity you. 
 
 Ditch. Sir, you tarn my blood into gall. I'm ruined be 
 yond salvation. Seventy-five seventy-five seventy-five thou 
 sand dollars ! Sir, it will kill me I know hit I feel hit ! I 
 can't speak more. 
 
 Low. Sir, let us hasten after them ; though I fear you will 
 never recover a cent. 
 
 Ditch. Sir, I'm squeezed transmogrified hin to a lemon 
 han hass ! Don't you see my hears growing, sir ? Ha, ha ! 
 I feel them shooting up ! Away, sir I Come again as a wit 
 ness. 
 
33 
 
 Low. Sir, I shall call in again in an hour. (Exit Low.) 
 
 Ditch. Now for the last swing of h'Amos Ditch, hesquire. 
 Seventy-five seventy-five thousand dollars! (He fixes a rope 
 around the top of the bed-post.) No, I won't hang my shame 
 is so heavy it will break the rope. Seventy-five thousand dol 
 lars my boots ! But I must come to it. ( Takes off his coat 
 and cravat.} I won't think of family affairs. (Commences 
 putting the rope around his neck.) Let's see the knot on the 
 left side; by my boots, I forget. I wish Fd seen some poor 
 fellow hanged, I'd know better how to fix it. (Enter CoNjfl- 
 DENCE and BREES.) 
 
 Confidence. Ho, friend, what are you doing? (Slaps 
 DITCH on the back.) 
 
 Ditch. Oh, how you scared me ! I thought you were the 
 devil. 
 
 Confidence. Mr. Low, in passing my door, has informed 
 me of your great loss, and the villainous fraud practiced upon 
 your ignorance. ( Unties the rope.) Had this cord swung you 
 into the next world you would not have found your money 
 there. 
 
 Ditch. Oh, sir, I cannot live hafter what has 'appened. 
 (Puts on his coat and cravat.) 
 
 Confidence. Come with us ; we will follow them, and do 
 our best to obtain redress. (DiTCH cries.} Friend Brees, 
 lend us a hand. (They lead him out.} 
 
 SCENE A Room in a Hotel in San Francisco. Seated, JULIA, 
 CLARK, CLARA, SMITH, OPERATOR, and Major 
 
 KlLFARDY. 
 
 Major. They must be here soon. The Scott starts for 
 Panama at twelve o'clock j it is now (pulling out his watch 
 and looking at it) eleven o'clock. By my faith, we'd better 
 be up and doing. 
 
 Operator. They have drawn the money, I suppose, and 
 have gone to purchase the tickets, after placing the money on 
 board the steamer. (Enter MINER, in haste.) 
 
 Miner. All's lost ; they have fled with the money. 
 
 All. Who? What? 
 
 Miner. Tunnel, Brown and Jones ; they have drawn the 
 money and are off in the Scott. (A gun fires.) Hark to her 
 
34 
 
 gun. See, there she goes. (Scene opens, showing the harbor, 
 and the steamer on her way.) 
 
 Operator. Here's a double farce. 
 
 Julia. That fills me with wretched horror. 
 
 Clara. That rids me of a pretty husband. 
 
 Major. That still leaves me a debtor to Low and High. 
 Gads, but we were blind ! it's wonderful. 
 
 Miner. How you sweat, Major. 
 
 Clara. Well, gentlemen, you have brought us here ; what 
 are you going to do with us ? 
 
 Operator. This is beyond my comprehension. 
 
 Major. But they did it remarkably well. 
 
 Smith. Your Highness' purse strings want tightening. 
 
 Miner. The Duke complains. 
 
 Major. No more of this nonsense ; this is no time for lev 
 ity j action action's the word. 
 
 Operator. Gentlemen, for the present I leave the ladies in 
 your charge. 
 
 Smith. Let the ladies remain at the hotel until to-morrow, 
 and let us all meet here at six o'clock this evening. 
 
 All. At six o'clock this evening. (Exit all except MAJOR.) 
 
 Major. I feel like drying up. How, like Marius, I could 
 sit among the ruins of Carthage, and muse on the fortunes of 
 fate. But yesterday a Duke to-day, a subject of abject pov 
 erty. Well the poet says- 
 All greatness once had sraallness in its state ; 
 
 And still a weakness lingers in its sway 
 For empires known. The grandest of the great 
 Have urged their progress but to meet decay. 
 
 Well, the wise man of to-day is often the fool of to-morrow, 
 and vice versa. No man will so abandon his pride as to ac 
 knowledge that he's in debt to the world for wisdom or experi 
 ence. These are intellectual debts ; and the same rule ought 
 to apply to bodily debts. Is there anything certain in life ? 
 Is there anything real? Am, or am I not, Major Kilfardy? 
 Low and High will swear that I am Major Kilfardy. Well, 
 who'll deny it ? This belly belongs to me, for I carry it about 
 with me wherever I go sometimes full, and sometimes empty, 
 like a gambler's purse. But I feel beefy. As for me, give me 
 i market-house, before a capitol or a palace. 
 
SCENE A Street in San Francisco. Enter NED and CONFI 
 DENCE. 
 
 Confidence. You say you saw the party going down the 
 street early this morning? 
 
 Ned. Yes, sir, as I was going to market. I followed 'em 
 down to the Byronic hotel, where they went in. I went there 
 again at dinner time, and Martha, the waiting maid, who is 
 my cousin, told me they were all to be there again at six o'clock 
 this evening. 
 
 Confidence. Remain here until I return. I wish to inform 
 some friends. I'll pay you well. (Exit CONFIDENCE.) 
 
 Ned. Yes, sir. (Enter JOE.) 
 
 Joe. Well, what news ? Heard anything from Sonory ? 
 
 Ned. All right there ; they're going it fine. 
 
 Joe. Have they found any gold ? 
 
 Ned. No, but plenty of silver. Walker's men shoot the 
 Mixicans with silver bullets. 
 
 Joe. I wish I was there to pick 'em up, and cut 'em out of 
 the dead Mexicans. How goes on the war in Russia ? 
 
 Ned. Hardly opened yet. But they do say that old Nich 
 olas has collected fifty thousand hogsheads of yankee gas, mixed 
 with Turkey fat, which he 'tends emptying into the Baltic, to 
 burn the sea and ships up. 
 
 Joe. I don't believe a word of it it's all gas. 
 
 Ned. It's fact saw it in the papers. 
 
 Joe. Have the boys taken Cuba yet ? 
 
 Ned. No, we don't want it 'till after the sickly season. 
 
 Joe. I'm off for China this evening going to take a look 
 at 'em. I'll be back in a week or so. Good bye. (Tliey 
 shake hands.) 
 
 Ned. Good bye. Bring us a woman over. 
 
 Joe. Well, I'll consider on it. Good bye. (Enter CONFI 
 DENCE.) 
 
 Confidence. Go on my lad ; I'll follow you. I want you to 
 introduce me to your cousin. I want to be placed somewhere 
 in the hotel where I can see all that goes on in Julia's room. 
 Tell her I'll pay her well. (Exit both; NEDjrs. Enter 
 POSTMAN.) 
 
 Postman. Ah, there he conies. (Looking over his letters* 
 Enter OPERATOR.) 
 
36 
 
 Postman. Sir, letter for you ; one dime for delivery. 
 
 Operator. Thank you, sir. ( Gives him a dime and takes 
 the letter.) Good day, sir. (Exit Postman.) From Tunnel, 
 as I live. ( Opening the letter and reading aloud. ) 
 
 " SIR : We thought it best to leave immediately, as we feared 
 a surprise. Come to New York as soon as possible. We must 
 provide something for all the actors. Come by next steamer. 
 Yours as ever, 
 
 TUNNEL." 
 
 Operator. The man has no honesty, but he has gratitude. 
 I shall give the actors a part of what remains and then follow. 
 (Exit OPERATOR.) 
 
 SCENE JULIA seated^ singing. 
 SONG. 
 
 Away from my home, the home of my birth 
 My father, my mother, my brother so dear 
 
 Friendless and homeless I wander on earth 5 
 Of Julia, their daughter, they care not to hear. 
 
 I'll not upbraid them they know of my shame ; 
 
 I'll go where I hear not the village bells toll ; 
 They speak as a voice that breathes but a name 
 
 'Tis Julia, the harlot ! There's guilt on her soul ! 
 
 Oh, heaven of mercy, where shall I go, 
 To find but a moment of peace or of rest ? 
 
 The darkness of night but adds to my woe 
 The torch of remorse ever burns in my breast. 
 
 Mem'ry, so dear to the faithful and true, 
 Has lost all its powers to please or to charm ; 
 
 The shadows and shapes it pictured to view, 
 Last night, made me tremble and quake with alarm. 
 
 Where is that kind one who taught me to wed, 
 And led to that alter the wife of his love ? 
 
 The walls of his mansion but echo his tread, 
 
 As he breathes a low moan, more sad than the dove. 
 
 'Twas passion, not thought, that led me to yield : 
 My heart was a fever, but now it's a fear ; 
 
 My virtue is gone, and gone is its shield, 
 And all that is left me of life is a tear. 
 
 (Enter CLARA and CLARK.) 
 
37 
 
 Clara. Oh, how lucky ; you've got an offer already, Julia. 
 
 Clark. How sad you look, my pretty duck. 
 
 Julia. Sir, that is not my name. 
 
 Clark. Then you shall be my charming Duchess. 
 
 Julia. Sir, neither your duck nor your Duchess. 
 
 Clark. Forego this false modesty ; it tallies not with your 
 present desolate condition. Come live with me ; I will pro 
 vide you with a home. 
 
 Clara. And you'll live so happy, and have so many fine 
 dresses ! 
 
 Be this my answer, for once 
 
 and all, 
 
 Julia. 
 Clark. 
 Clara. 
 his offer ; 
 Julia. 
 
 . Julia. Enough, 
 my husband lives. 
 
 Clark. Why, Tunnel has deserted you, and is half way to 
 Panama. 
 
 Sir, I speak not of him ; he was a deceiver. 
 Poverty makes her proud and impertinent. 
 I always liked you, Julia. Take my advice, accept 
 I have already selected a friend. 
 I thank you Clara ; I believe you are sincere in your 
 advice. I must decline his offer. Sir, I am obliged to you 
 for the compliment. 
 
 Clark. My dear Julia, reflect. I will be all that you could 
 wish a friend, a companion, a protector ; nay, blush not, I 
 speak as I feel. Tunnel will never return. 
 
 Julia. I believe what you declare. I have sinned through 
 error ; knowing that error, I shall sin no more. I wish you 
 well henceforth my life shall be pure. 
 
 Clark. A woman's virtue once lost, her character is blasted 
 forever. 
 
 Julia. But by repentance her soul may not be lost forever. 
 Here end your suit, for I have said it my answer is, No ! 
 
 Clark. Well done, thou pretty hypocrite ! We will one day 
 yet meet in the brothel. 
 
 Julia. In the next world we may meet j but at the brothel, 
 
 never ! 
 
 Clara. 
 
 Julia, 
 cries.) 
 
 Clark. 
 
 Clara. 
 
 How changed, Julia ; do you expect to live on air ? 
 I expect nothing but misery, for I deserve it. (She 
 
 How beautiful is her grief ? 
 How unfortunate is her obstinacy. 
 SMITH, and OPERATOR.) 
 4 
 
 ( Enter MAJOR, 
 
38 
 
 Major. What, a Duchess weeping ? Her tears should be 
 pearls and diamonds. 
 
 Operator. Have compassion, Major. Always respect a 
 woman's grief. Madam, you have my best wishes for your 
 welfare. 
 
 Clark. I offer her a home ; she refuses, and weeps for Tun 
 nel. 
 
 Julia. He is gone ; let him go. My sorrows are of my 
 own creating my heart is full of them. Mr. Operator, I have 
 not mistaken your character. You are truly a gentleman, and 
 I thank you for your sympathy. I bitterly repent my follies. 
 There are few we can trust ; for those who will deceive others 
 for the good of his companions will betray his companions for 
 the good of himself. (Enter Low, with an officer.} 
 
 Low. Seize that old bloated carcass of porter ! 
 
 Officer. Sir, I arrest you in the name of the State, on a 
 charge of one Gary Low, for assault and battery against his 
 person. You are my prisoner, under this warrant of arrest. 
 (Shows the paper.} 
 
 Clara. He insults his Grace ; ha, ha ! 
 
 Smith. Ham, bacon, eggs, mackerel ; ha, ha ! 
 
 Clara. He smells fishy ; ha, ha ! 
 
 Smith. And let him be confined in the old ice-house until 
 day-break ! 
 
 Officer. Come, sir Major, don't look so stupid; get up and 
 let us be off. 
 
 Major. I dare not resist the law, or I'd knock you flat. 
 You are commanded to bring my body ; take it, the law does 
 not say his legs. (Lies down.} 
 
 Officer. That's the game, is it ? Go, Mr. Low, and bring 
 a dray. 
 
 Major. Do you see, (getting up}, the assault was perpe 
 trated by my command, in another character, not de facto, not in 
 propria persona, ah Iexecuted de jure that is, by proxy 
 secundum Gunter. Low, if you ever expect to get your money, 
 you must go my bail. 
 
 Low. I'll bail all the liquor out of that old bloated belly. 
 
 Major. No, don't ! Don't do it, you'll drown yourself. I 
 am ready, Mr. Officer. Good evening, gentlemen. I hope 
 Brown, Tunnel & Co. will remember ye in their wills. (Exit 
 MAJOR, CONSTABLE, and Low.) 
 
39 
 
 Clara. Your audacity shocks my veracity. 
 
 Major. What ? Dou you see, that hussy has a tongue ! 
 (From without.) 
 
 Julia. Mr. Operator, you will assist the poor fellow. 
 
 Operator. Madam, to the extent of half my purse. (Enter 
 DITCH, BREES, and CONFIDENCE; last behind.) 
 
 Ditch. Ho, villain ! Habsolute monstrosity profound ! 
 Where's my seventy-five thousand dollars ? Speak, you cheat 
 ing knave ! Let me hat him ! (DiTCH is held ty BEEES.) 
 
 Operator. Sir, if you do not want a ditch-clout pinned to 
 your tail, be off. 
 
 Ditch. Oh, Cheapside ! Cheapside ! What art thou now ? 
 Give me hup the money, and I swear hit by my boots I'll not 
 mention it. By my boots, I take my hoath to hit. 
 
 Operator. By your boots ! Your money ! 
 
 Ditch. Himpudence vulgarified ! Let me hat him ! (He 
 is held ~by BREES.) 
 
 Operator. Go home to the Honorable Board of Directors, 
 and tell them never again to measure a man's capacity for office 
 by the length of his purse. Tell them that Charles Operator 
 discovered that they had sent out a fool, and that he treated 
 him as such ; that for money he cares little ; and that for their 
 first lesson in experience he has charged them t"he moderate 
 sum of seventy-five thousand dollars. Good evening gentle 
 men. (Exit OPERATOR.) 
 
 Ditch. Come back, knave ! Stop him ! He's a thief ! 
 Un'and me, sir, I will 'ave my money ! Let me go ! 
 
 Smith. Lead him into the open air ; he is fainting. (BREES 
 leads him out.] 
 
 Confidence. Julia ! Julia ! 
 
 Julia. Oh, it is my wretched husband ! 
 
 Confidence. Arise ! Be not afraid ; I come not as an aven 
 ger. (Enter BREES.) 
 
 Clara. Get up and lean on me for support. (CLARA helps 
 her to rise.) 
 
 Confidence. I told you that vice or error would bring care 
 and trouble, and that when that hour came I would be near at 
 hand to assist you. 
 
 Julia. Oh, sir, spare me! I am unworthy of your thoughts. 
 In mercy's name, leave me ! 
 
 Confidence. Julia, I know all even to the late temptation 
 have I been a silent, yet anxious witness. 
 
40 
 
 Julia. Oh, hear me, and then depart without cursing me I 
 
 Confidence. Gro on, I will hear you with patience. 
 
 Julia. Shortly after you departed for the States the house 
 was destroyed by fire ; the money you left for ine was never 
 received ; to earn my bread I sought employment at a hotel ; 
 news reached of your death ; Tunnel, who has always been kind 
 and attentive, made proposals of marriage, which I refused 
 until I should receive further confirmation of your death. Soon 
 after this period the hotel was consumed, together with all my 
 effects. I was now left without a home, friends, or protection. 
 Under a sworn and solemn promise to marry me when your 
 death became fully established, I became his companion, and 
 he my protector. Now, in pity, leave, I beseech you. 
 
 Confidence. I was confined in my bed for six long months 
 by sickness. I wrote you often, and when I came you denied me. 
 
 Julia. I never received your letters. I denied you because 
 I deemed myself the wife of Tunnel. I justified my denial of 
 you under a belief of your desertion. Now depart in conside 
 ration of the love you once had for me. 
 
 Confidence. I am thy husband. Before Heaven's holy 
 altar I have sworn to honor, cherish, and protect you. To me 
 this oath is sacred, whatever it may be to other men. 
 
 Julia. But go ; I have forfeited all claim to your forgive 
 ness. Your oath has ceased to be binding. I am guilty ! 
 Oh, haste away ; my shame will kill me ! (She arises and 
 turns her back on him, crying.) 
 
 Confidence. My oath is recorded in Heaven written down 
 in that everlasting book by angels, who attended when we knelt, 
 side by side, before the altar of the Faith. That oath belongs 
 neither to you nor to me it is in the possession of a mightier 
 power and vows, thus recorded in Heaven, must not be broken 
 on earth. 
 
 Julia. Oh, my Father, how I have sinned ! 
 
 Confidence. But thou dost repent. Forgiven above, thou 
 shalt be forgiven here below. Julia, my wife, come to the 
 arms of thy husband ! (She faints, falling into his arms.) 
 
 Brees. Thus, even in this wicked world, does good come by 
 repentance. 
 
 All. Amen ! 
 
DUKE OF SACRAMENTO 
 
 XJ. 
 
 CO., 
 
 Publishers of Appleton's Reciter," 
 
 ontiiiniug: Shnmus O'Brien The" Vagabonds Flvnn of Virgini; 
 
 Beantitul Snow Bingen on the Rhim Sheridmn's Rifle Gray's 
 
 Kleiry Tl\e Raven Barren Frietchie Birds of Si^-lis. 
 
 and numero'.is others of equal nierit. 
 
 of 
 
 , 2S