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 >'. /v A
 
 THE 
 
 BEAUTIES 
 
 O F 
 
 STERNE. 
 
 [Price zs. 6d. /ewed."]
 
 THE 
 
 BEAUTIES OF STERNE: 
 
 INCLtrOIMG ALL HIS 
 
 PATHETIC TALES, 
 
 AKD MOST DISTINGUISHED 
 
 OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE. 
 
 SELECTED FOR THE 
 
 HEART OF SENSIBILITY. 
 
 Dear sensibility ! ioi- ^,e inexhaufteJ of all that's precious 
 in our joys, or coftly m our forrows ! thou chaineft thy niartyr 
 down upon his bed of rtraw ! — and 'tis thou who lifts bim up 
 to HEAVES ! — Eternal fountain of our feelings ! 'tis here 
 I trace thee. ses. jovrney, p. 226, 
 
 L O V D O N: 
 
 f RISTED rORT, DA VIES, RUSSEL-STRF.ET, COVENT« 
 
 GARDEN; J. aiDLEY, S T. J AMES's-STREET ; W. 
 
 fLEXNEY, llOLBORN; ]. SEWEL, tORN- 
 
 UlLLi ANO G. Kr.ARSLF Y, I LEtT- 
 
 STREET. 178^, 

 
 • • « 
 
 • . • •.
 
 O 
 
 f 
 
 37/ 
 
 TO HIS 
 
 IMPERIAL MAJESTY, 
 
 JOSEPH THE SECOND, 
 
 EMPEROR OF GERMANY. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 ■f lyHEN I compiled this little volume from 
 the writings of one of the firft orna- 
 ments of Britain, and of human genius, I did not 
 look out long for a protector for the ineftimabic 
 treai'ure. To whom, faid all the powers of 
 Feeling, kindling within me — to whom {hould 
 
 > thefe pages that breathe the Ipirit of humanity 
 in • iuch a fupereminent degree be addrefled, 
 but to that illuitrious Monarch whofe benignity 
 
 V- and unparalelled philanthropy has given a charm 
 to every enlightened quarter of the univerfe I 
 
 When your Majefty retires from the bufy 
 fcenes of Royalty, to commune with nature and 
 
 b her 
 
 /w \j 
 
 JG'lO
 
 vi DEDICATION. 
 
 her eminent works, of which fludy youi* dif- 
 tinguifhed a<5lions fpeak you an admirable prb- 
 ficient, this volume will prove itfelf an enter- 
 taining and excellent companion. 
 
 I rejoice in this opportunity of teftifying ray 
 refpedt for fuch tranfcendent goodnefs ! and be- 
 lieve me to be with the moft profound zeal, 
 
 Sir, 
 
 Vour Majefty's moft Obedient, 
 
 London^ and moft Devoted, 
 
 Fth, 13, 1782. Humble Servant, 
 
 W. H. 
 
 PREFACE.
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 A SELECTION! of the Beauties of Sterne is 
 what has been looked for by a number of 
 his admirers for fome time; well knowing they 
 would form fuch a Volume as perliaps this, 
 nor any other language, could equal. Indeed 
 it was highly necefTary on a particular fcore to 
 make this feledlion : the chajle lovers of litera- 
 ture were not only deprived themfelves of the 
 pleafure and inftru*5lion fo confpicuous in this 
 magnificent aiTemblage of Genius, but their riling 
 oftspring, whofe minds it would polifh to the 
 highefl perfeclion were prevented from tafting 
 the enjoyment likewife. The chajle part of the 
 world complained fo loudly of the obfcenity 
 which taints the writings of Sterne^ (and, in- 
 deed, with fome reafon\ that thofe reader:? un- 
 der their immediate infpection were not fuifercd 
 to penetrate beyond the title-page of his7V///n/w 
 Shandy ;- — his Sentimcital yourney^ in fome de- 
 i;re*:, efcap>cd the general ceiifure ; though tliat 
 is not entirely free of the fault complained of. 
 
 b z To
 
 viii PREFACE. 
 
 To accommodate thofe who are flrangers to 
 the firft of thefe works, I have, (I hope with 
 fome degree of judgment), extracted the mod 
 diftinguiflied paflages on which the fun of Genius 
 Ihines fo refplendent, that all his competitors, 
 in his manner of writing, are loft in an eclipfe 
 of affeclatior. and unnatural rhapfody. I intended 
 to have arranged them alphabetically, till Ifcund 
 the ftories of Le Feier^ the Monk^ and Marian 
 would be too cioftly connected for the feeling 
 reader^ and v/ould wound the bofom o? fevjibility 
 too deeply : I therefore placed them at a proper 
 diftance from each other. — I need not explain 
 my motive for introducing the Sermon on the 
 abufes of Confcience, with the eiTufions of hur 
 manity throughout it ; every parent and gover- 
 ffor, I believe, (unlefs a bigotted Papilt), will 
 thank me. — I wifh I could infufe the pleafure 
 that attended me in compiling this little work, 
 into the breaft of the reader, yet unacquainted 
 with Sterne — as it is, I promife him, the hoxirs 
 he may devote to this great mafter of nature 
 and the paluons, will be marked with more fe- 
 licity, than any, fince genius led him to the love 
 of letters. 
 
 The Author's opinion of many parts of the 
 f acred writings may with tnith be applied to 
 
 a great
 
 PREFACE. be 
 
 a great part of his owti, that there is to be 
 found in them, " SubUme and noble palTage?, 
 *' which, by the rules of found cTiticifm and 
 *' reafon, may be demonflrated to be truly elo- 
 *' quent and beautiful. 
 
 " There is fomething in them fo thoroughly 
 " affecfiing, and fo noble and fublime withal, 
 *' that one might challenge the writings of the 
 *•• inoft celebrated orators of antiquity to pro- 
 *' duce any thing like them." 
 
 Before 1 conclude, I cannot help obferving 
 with an excellent writer, that, " there are 
 *' minds upon which the rays of fancy may be 
 " pointed without effe^^l, and which no fire of 
 ** lentiment can agitate, or exalt." — May fuch 
 minds never violate the Biauties of Sterne ; but 
 let them be, while the virtues find ian«ftuary in 
 the hearts of the amiable — their amufement 
 •nly. 
 
 W. li. 
 
 b 3 CONTENTS.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 A. Page. 
 
 yHE Afs, 39 
 
 The dead Afs, 131 
 
 Humouring immoral Appetites, 134 
 
 Tribute of .-yFeclion, 1 75 
 
 B. 
 
 Remainder of the Story of Trim's Brother, y^ 
 The Beguine, 79 
 
 Beauty, ^ 1 4 
 
 C. 
 
 Companion, 
 
 123 
 
 Confolation, 
 
 144 
 
 The Captive, 
 
 M7 
 
 Clwrity, 
 
 153 
 
 CompafTion, 
 
 170 
 
 A Subject for Compafllon, 
 
 167 
 
 Crolfes in Life, 
 
 176 
 
 The Contraft, 
 
 ^77 
 
 Trim's Explanation of the Fifth Command- 
 
 
 ment, 
 
 ,87 
 
 Covctoufnefs, 
 
 208 
 
 Comcntment, 
 
 217 
 
 
 The
 
 xii CONTENTS. 
 
 The Dwarf, 149 
 
 Refle^lions on Death, ^57 
 
 Difference in Men, 14X 
 
 Defamation, 201 
 
 DiiTatisfa^lion, 205 
 
 Diftrefs, 216 
 
 Corporal Tr/w'^ ilefleclions on Death, 223 
 
 E. 
 
 Ejaculation, 
 
 
 185 
 
 Eloquence, 
 
 
 203 
 
 Evils, 
 
 F. 
 
 218 
 
 Fellow-Feeling, 
 
 i. ^ 
 
 120 
 
 Frailty, 
 
 
 129 
 
 Feeling and Beneficence, 
 
 i6o 
 
 Fatality, 
 
 
 185 
 
 Friendfhip, 
 
 
 189 
 
 Flattery, 
 
 
 190 
 
 Forgivenefs, 
 
 
 192 
 
 Favours, 
 
 
 193 
 
 Ruftic Felicity, 
 
 G. 
 
 190 
 
 The Grace, 
 
 
 104 
 
 Yorick's Opinion 
 
 of Gravity, 
 
 182, 
 
 Oftentatious Generofitv, 
 
 200 
 
 Generofitv, 
 
 
 203 
 Cottage
 
 C N T E 
 
 NTS. 
 
 xiil 
 
 H. 
 
 
 Page. 
 
 Cottage Happinefs, 
 
 
 io6 
 
 Happinefs, 
 
 
 171 
 
 Conjugal Happinefs, 
 
 
 186 
 
 Health, 
 
 
 188 
 
 .MkAed Honcfty, 
 
 
 198 
 
 Humility, 
 
 
 210 
 
 Humility contrafled with Pride, 
 
 211 
 
 Hunger, 
 
 
 216 
 
 L 
 
 
 
 lllufion, 
 
 
 106 
 
 Infenfibility, 
 
 
 130 
 
 Indolence, 
 
 
 143 
 
 Power of flight Incidents, 
 
 
 176 
 
 Impoftore, 
 
 
 217 
 
 J- 
 
 
 
 Captain Shandy"': Juftiflcation of liis own 
 Principles and Conduct, in wi/hing to 
 continue the War, 137 
 
 L. 
 
 Tlic Story of Le Fever^ 3- 
 
 I.c Dimanchc, 108 
 
 life, 187 
 
 Love, J 88 
 
 M. 
 
 Matid^ 89 
 
 The Monk, 1 1 2 
 
 lioufc
 
 xiv CONTENTS. 
 
 Houfe of Mourning, 
 
 J 
 
 125 
 
 The Unmerciful Man, 
 
 
 12,2 
 
 Mercy, 
 
 
 141 
 
 Effects of Misfortune, 
 
 
 181 
 
 Refleftion upon Man, 
 
 
 183 
 
 0. 
 
 
 
 Oppofitior, 
 
 
 336 
 
 ; Pleafurcs of Obfervation and 
 
 Study, 
 
 159 
 
 Oppreflion Vanquilhed, 
 
 
 164 
 
 Opinion, 
 
 
 200 
 
 E-ooted Opinion not eafily Eradicated^ 
 
 206 
 
 Oppreflion, 
 
 
 219 
 
 Againft Haffy Opinions, 
 
 
 1(^6 
 
 P. 
 
 
 
 The Preceptor, 
 
 
 I 
 
 The Pulfe, 
 
 
 23 
 
 The Pie-Man, 
 
 
 32 
 
 Pity, 
 
 
 123 
 
 PerfecTiion, 
 
 
 191 
 
 AfFeaed Piety, 
 
 
 198 
 
 Patience and Contentment, 
 
 
 110 
 
 Pride, 
 
 
 213 
 
 R. 
 
 
 
 Revenge, 
 
 
 184 
 
 Religion, 
 
 
 202 
 
 Mr. Sliaiuly''s RefTgnation for 
 
 the Lofs of his 
 
 Son, 
 
 
 230 
 The
 
 CON 
 
 TEN 
 
 T S. 
 
 x\r 
 
 
 S. 
 
 
 Page. 
 
 The Sword, 
 
 
 
 36 
 
 The Sermon, 
 
 
 
 43 
 
 Senfibility, 
 
 
 
 100 
 
 The Supper, 
 
 
 
 lOI 
 
 Slander, 
 
 
 
 124 
 
 The Starling, 
 
 
 
 144 
 
 Slavery, 
 
 
 
 163 
 
 SeL*ininefs and Meannefs, 
 
 
 180 
 
 Solitude, 
 
 
 
 i8(; 
 
 Solitude, 
 
 
 
 190 
 
 AfFecled Sanclitv, 
 
 
 
 144 
 
 Society, 
 
 
 
 203 
 
 Sorrow and Heavinefs of Heart, 
 
 a 05 
 
 Sin, 
 
 
 
 220 
 
 Sincerity, 
 
 T. 
 
 
 221 
 
 Tribulation, 
 
 
 
 189 
 
 Tyranny, 
 
 U. 
 
 
 ao2 
 
 Uncertainty, 
 
 
 
 130 
 
 Unity, 
 
 V. 
 
 
 135 
 
 Vice not without Ufc, 
 
 
 181 
 
 Vanity, 
 
 
 
 197 
 
 Virtue and Vice, 
 
 w. 
 
 
 220 
 
 Wifdom, 
 
 
 
 221 
 
 Ditto, 
 
 
 
 215
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 IT is neceflary to acquaint the Reader, that 
 the references in this volume are marked from 
 the lafl: elegant London edition of Mr. Sterne^s 
 works in ten volumes. Price two Guineas.
 
 THE 
 
 BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 THE PRECEPTOR. 
 
 YOU lee 'tis hirrh time, faid my father, addrefll 
 ing himfelf equally to my uncle Toby and 
 ^orick^ to take this young creature out of thefe 
 Nvomens' hands, and put him into thole of a private 
 governor. 
 
 Now as 1 confider the perfon M'ho is to be 
 about my fon, as the mirror in which he is to view 
 himfelf from morning to-night, and by which \v- is 
 to adjult his looks, his carriage, and perhaps the 
 inmoA iientiments of his heart ; — I would have one, 
 Yor/c*, if polliblc, polifiied at all points, lit for 
 my child to look into. 
 
 There is, continued my father, a certain mien 
 and motion of the body and all its parts, botli in 
 acting and fpcaking, which argues a man mil 
 
 13 within.
 
 2 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 ivitliin. There are a thoufand unnotice d openings, 
 continued my father, which let a penetrating eye 
 at once into a man's foul ; and I maintain it, add- 
 ed he, that a man of fenfe does not lay down his 
 hat in coming into a room, — or take it up in go- 
 ing out of itj, but fomething efcapes, which diico- 
 vers him. 
 
 I will have him, continued my father, cheerful, 
 facete, jovial; at the fame time, prudent, atten- 
 tive to bufmefs, vigilant, acute, argute, inventive, 
 quick in refolving doubts and fpeculative queflions; 
 — he fliall be wife and judicious, and learned: — 
 And why not humble, and moderate, and gentle 
 tempered, and good? faid Yorick; — And why not, 
 cried my uncle Tohy^ free, and generous, and 
 bountiful, and brave? — He fhall, my dear Toby^ 
 rcphed my father, getting up and fliaking him by 
 liis hand. — Then, brother Shandy^ anfwered my 
 uncle Toby^ raifmg himfelf off the chair, and lay- 
 ing down his pipe to take hold of my father's 
 other hand, — I humbly beg I may recommend 
 poor Le Fever's fon to you;— a tear of joy of the 
 firft water fparkled in my uncle Toby's eye, — and 
 another, the fellow to it, in the Goporal's, as the 
 propofition was made; — you will fee why when 
 you read Le Ftver's flory. 
 
 THE
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE.' 
 
 THE 
 
 STORY OF LE FEVER. 
 
 T T was fome time in the fummcr of that year in 
 \\hich Deudermond was taken by the allies ; 
 when my imcle Toby was one evening getting his 
 fupper, with Trim fitting behind him at a fmall 
 lideboard, — 1 fay fitting — for in conflderation of 
 the Corporal's lame knee (which fometimes gave 
 him exquiiite pain) — when my imcle Toby dined 
 or I'upped alone he would never fuffer the Corporal 
 to ftand; and the poor -fellow's veneration for his 
 mafler was fuch, that with a proper artillery, my 
 uncle Toby could have taken Deudermond itielf, 
 witli lefs trouble than he was able to gain this 
 point over him ; for many a time when my uncle 
 Toby fuppofed the Corporal's kg was at reft, he 
 would look back, and detect him ftanding behind 
 him with the molt dutiful refpe^l: this bred more 
 little iquabbles betwixt them, than all other caufes 
 for fivc-and-twenty years together — But this is 
 neither here nor tlicre — why do 1 mention it? — 
 Aik my pcn^ — it governs me, — I govern not it. 
 
 13 X lie
 
 4 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 He was one evening fitting thus at his fupper, 
 when the landlord of a little inn in the village came 
 into the parlour with an empty phial in his hand, 
 to beg a glafs or two of fack ; 'Tis for a poor gen- 
 tleman, — I think of the army, faid the landlord, 
 who has been taken ill at my houfe four days ago, 
 and has never held up his head fince, or had a de- 
 fire to tafte any thing, till juft now, that he has a 
 fancy for a glafs of fack and a thin toaft, — *' / 
 //7/7z/t," fays he, taking his hand from his forehead, 
 *' it would comfort ?«e."— — — 
 
 —If I could neither beg, borrow, or buy fuch a 
 thing, — added the landlord, — I would almofl ileal 
 it for the poor gentleman, he is fo ill. — I hope in 
 God he will ftiil mend, continued he, — we are all 
 of us concerned for him. 
 
 Thou art a good-natured foul, I will anfwer for 
 thee, cried my uncle Toby ; and thou fiialt drink 
 the poor gentleman's health in a glafs of fack 
 thyfelf, — and take a couple of bottles with my 
 fervice, and tell him he is heartily welcome to them, 
 and to a dozen more if they will do him good. 
 
 Though I am perfuaded, faid my uncle Toby^ as 
 the landlord fliut the door, he is a very compaf- 
 fionate fellow— rnw, — yet I cannot help enter- 
 taining
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 5 
 
 taiuing a high opinion of liis gucll too; there mull 
 be Ibmething more than common in him, that in fo 
 fliort a time fliould win fo much upon the aftcclions 
 of his hoft ;— And of his whole family, added the 
 Corporal, for they are all concerned for him. — 
 Step after him, faid my uncle Toby, — do 7')/;;;,— - 
 and aik if he knows his namc» 
 
 — I have quite forgot it, truly, faid the landlord^ 
 coming back into the parlour with the Corporal, — 
 but 1 can aik his fon again : — Has he a fon with 
 him then ? faid my uncle Toby. — A boy, replied 
 the landlord, of about eleven or twelve years of 
 age ; — but the poor creature has tailed almofl: as 
 Ihtle as his father ; he does nothing but mourn and 
 
 !ient for him night and day : — He lias not ftir- 
 r jd from the bedfide thefe two days. 
 
 My uncle Toby laid down his knife and fork, 
 and thrult his plate from before him, as tl>e land- 
 lord gave him the account ; and Trifn^ without 
 being ordered, took away,without faying one word, 
 and in a few minutes after brought him his pipe 
 and tobacco. 
 
 Trim .' laid my untie Toby^ 1 have a projecft in 
 tiv/ head, as it is a bad night, of wrapping myfelf 
 
 B 3 up
 
 6 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 up warm in my roquelaure, and paying a vlfit to 
 this poor gentleman. — Your honour's roquelaure, 
 replied the Corporal, has not once been had on, 
 fince the night before your honour received your 
 wound, when we mounted guard in the trenches 
 before the gate of St. Nicholas ; — and befides, it is 
 fo cold and rainy a night, that what with the roque- 
 laure, and what with the weather, it will be enough 
 to give your honour your death, and bring on your 
 honour's torment in your groin. I fear fo, replied 
 my uncle Toby ; but I am not at reft in my mind, 
 Trim^ fmce the account the landlord has given mc 
 — I wifli I had not known fo much of this affair,— 
 added my uncle Toby^ — or that I had known more 
 of it: — How fliall we manap-e it? Leave it, an't 
 pleafe your honour, to me, quoth the Corporal;— 
 I'll take my hat and ftick and go to the houfe and. 
 reconnoitre, and a6l accordingly; and I v/ ill bring 
 your honour a full account in an hour. — Thou {halt 
 go, Trhn^ faid my uncle Toby^ and here's a fliilling 
 for tliee to drink with his fervant.— I fnall get it 
 all out of him faid the Corporal, fliutting the door.. 
 
 It was not till my uncle Toby had knocked the: 
 alhes out of his third pipe, that Corporal Tri7n re- 
 turned from the inn, and gave him the following 
 account. 
 
 I defp aired
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STETxNE. 7 
 
 • I defpaircd, at firft, faid the Corporal, of being 
 able to bring back your honour any kind of intelli- 
 k'cnce concerning the poor fick Lieutenant — Is he 
 in the army, then? faid my uncle Toby — He is: 
 faid the Corporal — .And in what regiment? fiid my 
 uncle Toby — Til tell your honour, replied the 
 Corporal, every thing ftraight forward*, as I learnt 
 it. — Then, Trim^ I will till another pipe, faid my 
 uncle Toby^ and not interrupt thee till tliou hafl 
 done; fo fit down at thy eafe, Tr/w, in the win- 
 dow-feat, and begin thyftory again. The Corporal 
 made his old bow, which generally I'poke as plain 
 as a bow could fpeak it — Your honour is good : 
 —And having done that, he fat down, as he was? 
 ordered, — and begaji the (lory to my uncle Toby 
 over again in pretty near the fame worJs^ 
 
 I dcfpaired at fii-ft, faid the Corporal, of being- 
 able to bring back any intelligence to your honour^ 
 about the Lieutenant and his fon ; for when lafkcd 
 wlicrc his fervant was, from whom I made myfclf 
 fure of I'jiowing every thing which was proper ta 
 be a(ked, — That's a right diflin^lion, 7"r;w, faid 
 my uncle Toby — I was anfwered, an' pleale your 
 honour, that he had no fervant with him ; — that 
 he had come to the inn with hired horfes, which, 
 upon finding liiuill-lf uuablc to proceed, (to join, I 
 
 lli:'pofc,
 
 8 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE, 
 
 fuppofe, the regiment), he had difmiffed the morn- 
 mg after he came, — If 1 get better, my dear, faid 
 he, as he gave his purfe to his fon to pay the man, 
 
 v/e can hire horfes from hence. — But alas ! the 
 
 poor gentleman will never get from hence, faid the 
 landlady to me, — for 1 heard the death-watch all 
 night long; — and when he dies, the youth, his fon, 
 will certainly die with him ; for he is broken- 
 hearted already. 
 
 I was hearing this account, continued the Cor- 
 poral, v^hen the youth came into the kitchen, to 
 order the thin toaft the landlord fpoke of; — but I 
 will do it for my father myfelf, faid the youth. — 
 Pray let me fave you the trouble, young gentle- 
 man, faid I, taking up a fork for thepurpofe, and 
 offering him my chair to fit down upon by the 
 fire, whilft I did it.— 1 believe, Sir, faid he, very 
 modeftly, I can pleafe him beft myfelf. — I am 
 fure, faid I, his honour will not like the toaft the 
 worfe for being toafted by an old foldier. — The 
 youth took hold of my hand, and inftantly burft 
 into tears. — Poor youth ! faid my uncle Toby^ — 
 he has been bred up from an infant in the array, 
 and the name of a foldier, Trijn^ founded in his 
 ears like the name of a friend; — Iwilh 1 had him 
 
 here. 
 
 — I never
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 9 
 
 — 1 never in the longcft march, faid the Cor- 
 poral, had lb great a mind to my dinner, as I had 
 to cry with him for company : — What could be 
 tlie matter with me, an' pieai'e your honour ? 
 Nothing in the world, Trim, laid my uncle Tobyy 
 blowing his nole, — but that thou art a good na- 
 tured I'fllow. 
 
 When I gave him the toaft, Continued the Cor- 
 poral, I thought it was proper to tell him 1 was 
 Captain S/iaudy^s fervant, and that your honour 
 (though a Itrangerj was extremely concerned for 
 hii father ; — and that if there was any thing in 
 your houle or cellar — (And thou might'll: have 
 
 added my purle too, laid my uncle 7oby he 
 
 was heai"tily welcome to it : — He made a very low 
 bow, (which was meant to your honoiirj, but no 
 anlwcr,— for his heart was full — fo he went .up 
 ftairs with tlie toaH ; — 1 waiTant you, mj dear, 
 faid 1, as I opened the kitchen-door, youi- father 
 will be well again. — Mr. Yorick''s curate was 
 fmoaking a pipe by the kitchen hre, — but laid not 
 a word good or bad to comfort the youth. — I 
 thought it wrong ; added the Corporal — I think 
 fo too, faid my uncle Toby. 
 
 When the Lieutenant had taken his glafs of fack 
 and toall, he felt himfelf a little revived, and Cent 
 
 down
 
 lo THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 down into the kitchen, to let me know, that in 
 about ten minutes he fliould be glad if I would ftep 
 up flairs. — 1 believe, faid the landlord, he is going 
 to fay his prayers, — for there was a book laid 
 upon the chair by his bed-fide, and as I fhut the 
 door, I faw his fon take up a cufliion.— 
 
 I thought, faid the curate, that you gentlemen 
 of the army, Mr. TnVw, never faid your prayers 
 at all. — I heard the poor gentleman fay his prayers 
 laii: night, faid the landlady, very devoutly, and 
 Vv'ith my own ears, cr 1 could not have believed 
 it. — Are you fure of it, replied the curate. — A 
 foldier, an' pleale your reverence, faid I, prayS 
 as often (of his own accord) as a parfon ; — and 
 when he is fighting for his king, and for his own 
 kfe, and for his honour too, he has the moll 
 reafon to pray to God, of any one in the whole 
 world. — 'Twas well faid of thee, 7'?iw2, faid my 
 uncle Toby. — But when a foldier, faid 1, an' pleais 
 your reverence, has been {landing for twelve 
 hours together in the trenches, up to his knees in 
 cold water, — or engaged, faid I, for months to- 
 gether in long and dangerous marches ; harafied, 
 perhaps, in his rear ro-day ; — haraffing others to- 
 morrow; — detached here; — countermanded there; 
 — refling this night out upon his arms ; — beat up 
 
 I
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. ii 
 
 in his (hirt the next ; — benumbed in his joints ; 
 — pcrliaps without llraw in his tent to kneel on ; 
 — raufl i'ay his prayers lio~u) and when he can. — 
 I believe, laid 1, — for I was piqued, quoth the 
 Corporal, for the reputation of the army, I believe 
 an' pleafe your reverence, faid I, that when a 
 foldier gets time to pray, — he prays as heai-tily 
 as a parfon, — though not with all his fufs and 
 hvpocrify. — Thou ihouldll not have faid that^ 
 Trim^ faid my uncle Toby^ — for God only knows 
 wlio is a hypocrite, and who is not : — At the 
 2;reat and general review of us all. Corporal, at 
 the day of judgment, (and not till then) — it will 
 be feen who has done their duties in this world, 
 — and wlij has not ; and we fliall be advanced,. 
 Trim, accordingly. — I hope we fliall, faid Trim^ 
 — It is iu the Scripture, faid my' uncle Toby ; and 
 I will (hew it thee to-morrow : — In the mean 
 rime we may depend upon it, Trim^ for oui" com- 
 fort, faid my uncle Toby^ that God Almighty is 
 lb good and juft a Governor of tlie world, that if 
 wc have but done our duties in ir, — it will never 
 be enquired into, whether we have done them in 
 a red coat or a blick cm:- : — I hope not ; faid the 
 Corporal — But go on, Trim^ laid jny uncle Toby, 
 with the ftory. 
 
 Wheu
 
 iz THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 When I went up, continued the Corporal, into 
 the Lieutenant's room, which 1 did not do till the 
 expiration of the ten minutes, — he was lying in 
 his bed, with his head raifed upon his hand, with 
 his elbow upon the pillow, and a clean white 
 cambrick handkerchief befide it : — The youth was 
 juft ftooping down to take up the cufhion, upon 
 which I fuppofed he had been kneeling, — the book 
 was laid upon the bed, — and as he rofe, in taking 
 up the culhion with one hand, he reached out his 
 other to take it away at the fame time. Let it 
 remain there, my dear, faid the Lieutenant. 
 
 He did not offer to fpeak to me, till I had 
 walked up clofe to his bed-Ude : — If you are Cap- 
 tain Shandyh fervant, faid he, you mufl: prefent 
 my thanks to your mafter, with my little boy's 
 thanks along with them, for his courtefy to me ; 
 —if he was of Levens''s — faid the Lieutenant.— 
 I told him your honour was — Then, faid he, I 
 ferved three campaigns with him in Flanders^ and 
 remember him, — but 'tis mofl: likely, as I had not 
 the honour of any acquaintance with him, that 
 he Icnows nothing of me — You will tell him, how- 
 ever, tliat the perfon his good nature has laid un- 
 der obligations to him, is one Le Fever, a Lieute- 
 nant in ^/ig'Mi's— but he knows me not, — faid he, 
 
 a fecond
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 13 
 
 a fecouxl time, muling ; — poflibly he may my 
 ftory — added he — pray tell tlie Captain, 1 was the 
 Eulign at Breda^ whole wife was moft unfortu- 
 nately killed with a muiket (hot, as Ihe lay in my 
 arms in my tent. — I remember the Itory, an* 
 pleal'e your honour, faid 1, very well. — Do you 
 ib ? laid he, wiping his eyes with his handker- 
 
 cliief, — then well may I In laying this, he 
 
 drew a little ring out of his bolbm, which feemed 
 tied with a black ribband about his neck, and 
 kifs'd it twice — Here, Billy^ laid he, — the boy 
 flew acrois the room to the bed-fide, — and falling 
 down upon his knee, took the ring in his hand, and 
 kiflTed it too, — then kilfed his father, and fat down 
 upon the bed and wept. 
 
 I wilh, faid my uncle Tihy^ with a deep figli,— . 
 1 wifh. Trim, 1 was alleepi 
 
 Your honour, replied tlie Corporal, is too much 
 concerned j— ihall I pour your honour out a glafs of 
 fack to your pipe ? — Do, Trim^ laid my uncle 
 Toby. 
 
 I remember, Tiid my uncle Toby, fig'iing again, 
 the fbry of the Enfign and his wife, — and particu- 
 larly well that he, as well as (he, upon fome account 
 
 C or
 
 14 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 or other, (I forget what,) was univerfally pitied by 
 the whole regiment ; — but finifli the ftory thou art 
 upon :^'Tis finiflied already, faid the Corporal, — 
 for I could {lay no longer, — fo wiflied his honour a 
 good night ; young Le Fe-oer rofe from off the bed, 
 and faw me to the bottom of the ftairs ; and as we 
 went down together, told me, they had come from 
 Ireland^ and Vv'ere on their route to join the regi- 
 ment in Flanders. — But alas ! faid the Corporal,— 
 the Lieutenant's lafl day's march is over. — Then 
 what is to become of his poor boy ? cried my uncle 
 Toby, 
 
 It was to my uncle Tohy^s eternal honour, that 
 he fet afide every other concern, and only confi- 
 dered how he himfelf fliould relieve the poor Lieu- 
 tenant and his fen. 
 
 — That kind bking, v/ho is a friend to the friend- 
 lefs, fliall rccompence thee for this. 
 
 Tliou hajfl: left this matter fliort, faid my uncle 
 Toby to the Corporal, as he was puttiug him to 
 bed, — and I will tell thee in u hat. Trim — In the 
 firfl place, when thou madcit an offer of my fervices 
 to Le Fever^ — as ficknefs and travelling are both 
 cxpcnfive, and thou knoweft he was but a poor 
 
 Lieutcnan*-,
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. jj 
 
 Lieutenant, with a fon to lublilt as well as hinifelf 
 out of liis pay, — that thou didlt not make an oftbr 
 to him ot my puife ; becauie, had he Hood in 
 need, thou knoweil, Trim^ he had been as welcome 
 to it as myleli. — Your honour kno\\ s, laid tlie Cor- 
 poral, i had no orders ; — True, quoth my uncle 
 Toby^ — thou didil very right, 7'r/;«, as a foldier, — 
 but certainly very wrong as a man. 
 
 In the fecond place, for which, indeed, thou haft 
 the fame excuie, continued my uncle Toby^—-w\\tn 
 iliou oiFeredit him whatever was in my houfe,-— 
 thou (houldft have ottered him my houle too : A Tick 
 brother ofiicer lliouid have tue belt quarters, Trwiy 
 and if we had hun witii us,— —we couid tend and 
 look to him : — Thou art an excellent nurfe thyfelf, 
 7")-;w, and what with thy care of him, and the old 
 v/oman's, and las boy's, and mine together, we 
 might recruit him again at once^ and fet him upon 
 his legs. 
 
 —In a fortnight or three weeks, added my uncle 
 Toiy^ fmiling, — he might march. — He will never 
 ;naich, an' pleafc your honour, in this world, faid 
 the Corporal: — He will march; faid my uncle To i*)-, 
 rifing tip from the fide of the bed, with one flioe off: 
 — An' pleafe your honoiu-, laid the Corporal, he 
 
 C 2 will
 
 i6 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 will never march, but to his grave : — He fhall 
 march, cried my uncle Toby^ marching the foot 
 which had a flioe on, though without advancing an 
 inch, — he fhall march to his regiment. — He cannot 
 ftand it, faid the Corporal ; — He ihall be fupport- 
 ed, faid my uncle Toby ; — He'll drop at lafi:, faid 
 the Corporal, and what will become of his boy ? 
 -—He fliall not drop, faid my uncle Toby^ firmly. 
 — A-well-o'day, — do what we can for him, faid 
 Trim, maintaining his point, — the poor foul will 
 die : — He fiiall not die^ by G — , cried my uncle 
 Toby. 
 
 •-—The ACCUSING SPIRIT, which fiew up to hea- 
 ven's chancery with the oath, blufh'd as he gave 
 it in ; — and the recording angel, as he \vrote it 
 down, droppM a tear upon the word, and blotted 
 it out for ever. 
 
   - My uncle Toby went to his bureau^ — put 
 his purfe into his breeches pocket, and having or- 
 dered the Corporal to go early in the morning for 
 a phyfician, — he went to bed and fell afleep. 
 
 The fun looked bright the morning after, to 
 every eye in the village but Le Fever'' s and his af- 
 fiicfted fon's ; the hand of death prefs'd heavy upon 
 
 his
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 17 
 
 his eye-lids, — and hardly could the wheel at the 
 ciftern turn round its circle, — when my uncle Toby, 
 who had rofe up an hour before his wonted time, 
 entered the Lieutenant's room, and without pre- 
 face or apology, fat himl'elf down upon the chair 
 by the bed-fide, and independently of all modes and 
 cudoms, opened the ciu'tain in the manner an old 
 friend and brother officer would have done it, and 
 aiked him how he did, — how he had refted in the 
 niglit, — \\'hat was his complaint, — where was his 
 pain, — and what he could do to help him : — and 
 without giving him time to anfwer any one of the 
 enquiries, went on and told him of the little plan 
 which he had been concerting with the Corporal 
 the night before for him. 
 
 — You fiiall go home directly, Le Fcvcr^ faid my 
 uncle Toby^ to my houfe, — and we'll fend for ;i 
 doctor to fee what's the matter, — and we'll' have 
 an apothecary,-^ — and the Corporal fliall be vour 
 nurfc ; — and I'll be your fervant, Le ftzLr. 
 
 There was a franknefs in my uncle Toby, — not 
 the effci'i of familiarity, — but the cat/ft; of it, — 
 which let you at once into his foul, — and fhcwcd 
 you tlie goodntfs of his nature ; to this, there was 
 foHRthing in his looks, and voice, and manner, 
 
 C 3 luperaddcd,
 
 l8 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 fuperadded, which eternally beckoned to the un- 
 fortunate to come and take fhelter under him ; 
 fo that before my uncle Toby had half finilhed the 
 kind offers he was making to the father, had the 
 fon infenfibly prefTed up clofe to his knees, and had 
 taken hold of the breaft of his coat, and was pulling 
 it towards him. — The blood andfpirits of Le Fever ^ 
 which were waxing cold and flow within him, and 
 were retreating to their laft citadel, the heart,— 
 rallied back,— the film forfook his eyes for a mo- 
 ment, — he looked up wifhfully in my uncle Toby''s 
 face, — then caft a look upon his boy, — and that 
 ligament J fine as it was,— was never broken.— 
 
 Nature inftantly ebb'd again, — the film returned 
 to its place, — the pulfe fluttered — ftopp'd — went 
 on — throbb'd — ftopp'd again — moved — ftopp'd — 
 {hall I go on ? — No. 
 
 All that is necefiary to be added is as follows*— 
 
 That my uncle Tohy^ with young Le Fever in 
 his hand, attended the poor Lieutenant, as chief 
 mourners, to his grave. 
 
 Wlicn my uncle Tuby had turned every thing 
 into luoney, and fettled all accounts betwixt the 
 
 agent
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 19 
 
 agent of the regiment and Le Fever^ and betwixt 
 Le Fever and all mankind, — there remained no- 
 thing more in my uncle Toby''s hands, than an old 
 regimental coat and a fword ; fo that my uncle 
 Toby found little or no oppofition from the world 
 in taking adminifh-ation. The coat my uncle Toby 
 gave the Corporal ; — Wear it, 7'nw, faid my uncle 
 Toby as long as it will hold together, for the Hike of 
 the poor Lieutenant — And this, faid my uncit Tohv^ 
 taking up the fword in his hand, and drawing it 
 out of the fcabbard as he fpokc — and this, /,«■ Fcz^er 
 i'll fave for thee — 'lis all the fortune, continued my 
 uncle Toby^ hanging it up uj>on a crook, and 
 pointing to it, — 'tis all the fortune, my dear I.e 
 /Vrfr, which God has left thee ; but if he has 
 given thee a heart to fight thy way with it in the 
 Avorld, — and thou doeft it like a man of honour,-^ 
 'lis enough for us. 
 
 A% foon as my uncle Toby had laid a foundation, 
 lie fent him to a public fchool, where, exceptin<T 
 Wliitfuntide and Clu-illmas, at which times the 
 C<jrporal was punctually difpatchcd for him, — he 
 remained to tlie fpring of the year, feventeen ; 
 when the (lories of the Emperor's fending his army 
 into Hungary againft the Turks, kindling a fpark 
 of Hre in his bofom, lie left his Greek and Latin 
 
 without
 
 20 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 without leave, and throwing himfelf upon his knees 
 before my uncle Tcby^ begged his father's fword, 
 and my uncle Toby''s leave along with it, to go and 
 try his fortune under Eugene. — Twice did myuncle 
 Toby forget his wound, and cry out, Le Fever ! I 
 will go with thee, and thou fhalt fight befide me— 
 And tM'ice he laid his hand upon his groin, and 
 hung down his head in forrowand diieonfolation. — 
 
 My imcle Toby took down the fword from the 
 crook, where it had hung untouched ever fince the 
 Lieutenant's death, and delivered it to the Corporal 
 to brighten up ; — and having detained Le Fe-oer a 
 fmgle fortnight to equip him, and contrail for his 
 paffage to Leghorn, — he put the fword into his 
 hand, — -If thou art brave, Le Fe-ver^ faid my uncle 
 T-'obyy this Vv'ill not fail thee, — but Fortune, faid 
 he, (muling a little) — Fortune may — And if fhe 
 does,-^added my uncle Toby^ embracing him, 
 come back again to me, Le Fever j and we will iliape 
 thee another courfe. 
 
 The greateft injury could not have opprefled the 
 licart of Le Fcver mere than my uncle Tpby''s pa- 
 ternal kindnefs; — -he parted from my uncle Tobvj 
 as the beft of fons from the befl: of fathers — both 
 dropped tears-— —and as my imcle Toby gave him 
 
 his
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 21 
 
 his laft kils, he flipped lixty guineas, tied up in aa 
 old purfe of his father's, in which was his niother's 
 ring, into his hand, — and bid God bids him. 
 
 Le Fiver got up to the Imperial army jufl: time 
 enough to try what metal his I'word \\ as made of, 
 at the defeat of the Turks before Belgrade; but a 
 feries of unmerited mifchances had purfued him 
 from that moment, and trod clofe upon his heels 
 for fom- years together after: he had withftood 
 thefe buiretmgs to the lail, till licknefs overtook him 
 at ilJar/ttlltSy from whence he wrote my uncle 
 Toby word, he had loft his time, his fei-vices, his 
 health, and, in fliort, every thing but his fword ; — 
 and was waiting for the hrft Ihip to return back 
 to him 
 
 Le Fever was hourly expei5led ; and was upper- 
 moft in my uncle Toby's mind all the time my 
 father was giving him and \orick a dcfcription of 
 what kind of a pcrfon he would choofc lor a precep- 
 t<jr to me : but as my uncle Toby thought my 
 futhcr at Hrfl fomcwhat fanciful in the accomplifli- 
 ments he required, he forbore mentioning Le 
 f everts name, — till the character, by ^orick's inter- 
 pofiiion, ending unexpectedly, in one, who lliould 
 be gentle tempered, and generous, and good, it im- 
 
 piclltd
 
 2Z THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE, 
 
 preffed the image of Le Fever ^ and his intereft upon 
 my uncle Toby lb forcibly, he rofe inftantly off 
 his chair ; and laying down his pipe, in order to 
 take hold of both my father's hands— 1 beg, brother 
 Skandy^ faid my uncle Tohy^ I may recommend 
 poor Le rtver''s fon to you — I befeech you, do, 
 added Yorick — He has a good heart, faid my uncle 
 Toby — And a brave one too, an' pleafe your 
 honour, faid the Corporal. 
 
 ' — The bell hearts, 7r/?«, are ever the braveft;, 
 replied my uncle Toby. 
 
 T. SHANDY. VOL. Ill, CHAP. 49, 
 
 THE
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 2'> 
 
 T H E P U L S E. • 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 T T AIL ye fmall fv/ect courtefics of life, for 
 fmooth doye make the road of it! likegraceand 
 beauty which beget inclinations to love at lirft light: 
 'tis ye who open this door and let the llranger in. 
 
 — Pray, Madame, faid I, have ilie goodnefs to 
 tell me which way I mull turn to go to the Opera 
 Comique: — Mofl willingly, Monfieur, faidlhe, lay- 
 ing afiJe her work 
 
 I had given a cafl with my eye into half a dozen 
 )ps as I came along in fearch of a face not likely 
 be difordered by fuch an interruption; till at laft, 
 ;is hitting ray fancy, 1 had walked in. 
 
 She was working a pair of ruffles as fhe fat in a 
 low chair on the far Hde of the fliop fachig the 
 door 
 
 — Trej Tolontiers'. moft willingly, faid llie, lay- 
 '. g her work down upon si ciiair next her, and 
 
 riliiig
 
 54 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 fifing up from the low chair fhe was fitting in, 
 with fo cheerful a movement and fo cheerful a look, 
 that had I been laying out fifty louis d'ors with her, 
 I fhould have faid — " This woman is grateful." 
 
 You muft turn, Monfieur, faid fhe, going with 
 me to the door of tlie jfiiop, and pointing the way 
 down the ftreet I was to take — you muft turn firft 
 to your left hand — mats prenez garde — there are 
 two turns ; and be fo good as to take the fecond— - 
 then go down a little way and you'll fee a church, 
 and when you are part it, give yourfelf the trouble 
 to turn direftly to the right, and that will lead you 
 to the foot of the pont neiif^ which you muft crofs 
 —and there any one will do himfelf the pleafure to 
 iliew you 
 
 She repeated her inftru(?tions three times over to 
 me with the fame good natured patience the third 
 time as the firft; — and if to7ies and mamiers have a 
 meaning, which certainly they have, unlcfs to hearts 
 
 which fliut them oxit Ihe feemed really interefted, 
 
 that I ihould not lofe myfclf. 
 
 I will not fuppofe it was the woman's beauty, 
 notwithftanding fhe was the handfomeft Griffet, I 
 tliink, I ever faw, which had much to do with the 
 
 ftnfe
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. zj 
 
 fenfe I had of her courtefy ; only I remember, vhen 
 I :old her how mucli 1 was obliged to her, that I 
 looked very full in her eyes, — and that I repeated 
 my thanks as often as (he had done her inltruC:l:ions. 
 
 I liad not got ten paces from the door, before I 
 found I had forgot every tittle of what flie had faid 
 — fo looking back, and feeing her flill ftan-ding in the 
 door of tlie fliop as if to look whether I went right or 
 not — I returned back, to alk her whether the firfl: 
 tui-n was to my riglit or left — for that I had ablb- 
 
 lutclyforgot. Is it poflible! faid fne, half laughing. 
 
 — Tis very po Tible, replied I, when a man is think- 
 ing more of a woman, than of her good advice. 
 
 As this was the real truth — flie took it, as every 
 voinan takes a matter of right, with a lliglit 
 cuarttfy. 
 
 Attendee ^ faid flie, laying her hand upon 
 
 my arm to detain me, whihl fhe called a lad out 
 of the b^ck-fhop to ;/ct ready a parcel of gloves, 
 am jurt going to fend him, faid flie, with a packet 
 into that quarter, and if you will have th.- complai- 
 fance to ftep m, it w.ll he ready in a moment, and 
 
 he fliall attend you to the place. So 1 walked in 
 
 with her to the far fide of the flio]), and taking up 
 
 D the
 
 ^6 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 the ruffle in my hand which flie laid upon the chair, 
 as if 1 had a mind^to fit, (lie fat down herfelf in her 
 low chair, and I inftantly fat myfelf down be- 
 lide her. 
 
 He will be ready, Monfieur, faid flie, in a 
 
 moment And in that moment, replied I, moft 
 
 willingly would I fay fomething very civil to you 
 for all thefe courtefies. Any one may do a cafual 
 a6l of good nature, but a continuation of them 
 fhews it is a part of the temperature ; and 
 certainly, added I, if it is the fame blood which 
 comes from the heart, which defcends to the ex- 
 tremes (touching her wrift), I am fure you muft 
 have one of the bed pulfes of any woman in the 
 
 world Feel it, faid fhe, holding out her arm. 
 
 So laying down my hat, I took hold of her fingers 
 in one hand, and applied the two fore-fingers of 
 my other to the artery 
 
 — — Would to heaven ! my dear Eugenius, thou 
 hadffc palTed by, and beheld me fitting in my black 
 coat, and in my lack-aday-fical manner, counting 
 the throbs of it, one by one, with as much true 
 devotion as if 1 had been watching the critical ebb 
 
 or flow of htr fever How wouldfl thou have 
 
 langh'd and moralized upon my new profeflion — 
 
 and
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STER.NE. 27 
 
 inJ thou lliouldfl have laugli'd and moralized en — 
 Truft me, my dear Eugcnius, I fhould have laid, 
 *' there are worfe occupations in this world than 
 
 ^^ fueling a -,.iKjmans piiljc.''' But a Grifltt's I 
 
 t.iou wouldll have laid and in an open {hop ! 
 
 Yorick 
 
 So much the better: for when my views 
 
 are direct, Eugcnius, I care not jf all the world law 
 me feel it. 
 
 I had counted twenty pulfations, and was going 
 on faft towards tli, fortieth, when her huiband 
 coming unexpected from a b;ick parloiu" into the 
 fhop, put me a little out o.' my reckoning. — 'Twas 
 nobody but her hnf^snci, Hie faid, — fo I began a 
 
 ;re<h fcore ir is Jo good, quoth fhe, <i.s he 
 
 pafs'd by 'is^ as to ^ive himfelf the trouble of feeling 
 
 • my pulfe — The liufband took off his hat, and 
 
 ' ' making a bow, faid I did him too much honou;-— 
 
 and having laid that, he put on his hat and walked 
 
 out. 
 
 Good God! faid I to myfclf, as he went out   
 
 and can this man be the hufband of this woman ? 
 
 n > Let
 
 28 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE, 
 
 Let it not torment the few who know what muf} 
 have been the grounds of this exclamation, if I ex- 
 plain it ta tliofe who do not. 
 
 InLondon a ftop-keeper and aihop-lceeper'swife 
 feem to be one bone and one fieih : in the feveral 
 endowments of mind and body, fometimes the one, 
 fometimes the other has it, fo as in general to 
 be upon a par, and to tally with each other as 
 nearly as man and wife need to_do. 
 
 In Paris, there are fcarce tv/o orders of beings 
 more different : lor the legillative and executive 
 powers of the (hop not refting in the hufband, he 
 I'eldom comes there — in fome dark and difmal room 
 behind, he fits commercelefs in his tlirum night-cap, 
 the fame rough fon of Nature that Nature left 
 him. 
 
 The genius of a people where nothing but the 
 monarchy is faliqiie^ having ceded this department, 
 with fundry others, totally to the women — by a 
 continual higgling with cuftomers of all ranks and 
 fizes from morning to night, like fo many rough 
 pebbles fliook long together in a bag, by amicable 
 collifions they have worn down their afperitics and 
 iharp angles^ and not only become round and 
 
 fmooth
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 29 
 
 fmooth, but will receive, fome of them, a poMfli 
 like a brilliant — Moiifieur Le Marli is little better 
 than the (lone under "^our foot   
 
 —Surely furely, man! it is not good for 
 
 thee to fit alone thou waft made forfocial 
 
 intercourfe and gentle greetings, and this improve- 
 ment of our natui-es from it, I appeal to, as my 
 evidence. 
 
 — And how does it beat, Monfieur? faid (he.— 
 With all the benignity, faid I, looking quietly in her 
 eyes, that I expected — She was going to fay fome- 
 thing civil in return — but the lad came into the 
 fliop with the gloves — A prvposj faid I, I want 
 a couple of pair myfelf. 
 
 The beautiful GrifTet rofe up when I faid this, 
 and going behind the counter, reached down a 
 parcel and untied it : I advanced to the fide over 
 againfl her: they were all too large. The beauti- 
 ful Griflet meafured tlifMn one by one acrofs my 
 liand — It would not alter the dimenfions — She 
 begged I would try a fingle pair, which fecmed 
 to be the leaft — She held it open — my hand flipped 
 
 into it at once It will not do, faid I, fhaking my 
 
 head a liitlc— No, faid ftie, doing the fame thing. 
 
 D J There
 
 30 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 There are certain combined looks of fimple 
 
 fubtlety where whim, and fenfe, and feriouf- 
 
 nefs, and nonfenfe, are fo blended, that all the 
 languages of Babel fet loofe together covdd not ex- 
 prefs them — they are communicated and caught fo 
 inftantaneoufty, that you can fcarce fay which party 
 is the infeclor. I leave it to your men of words to 
 
 fwell pages about it it is enough in theprefent to 
 
 fay again, the gloves would not do ; fo folding our 
 hands within our arms, we both loll'd upon the 
 counter — it was narrow, and there was jull room 
 for the parcel to lay between us 
 
 The beautiful Griffet looked fometimes at the 
 gloves, then fide-ways to the window, then at the 
 
 gloves and then at me, I was not difpofed to 
 
 break filence — I followed her example : fo I looked 
 at the gloves, then to the window, then at the 
 gloves, and then at her — and fo on alternately. 
 
 I found I loft confiderably in every attack — {ho 
 had a quick black eye, and fliot through two fuch 
 long and filken eye-lafhes with fuch penetration^ 
 that Ihe looked into my very heart and reins- 
 It may feem flrange, but I co'.ild atSlu.'Uly feel 
 flie did— 
 
 It
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 31 
 
 It is no matter, faid I, taking up a couple of 
 the pairs next me, and putting them into my 
 pocket. 
 
 I was fenfible the beautiful GrilTet had not a/k'd 
 abo\'Te a fingle livTe above the price — I wifh'd ific 
 had aik'd a livre more, and was puzzling my brains 
 
 how to bring the matter about Do you think, 
 
 my dear Sir, faid flie, miftaking my cmbarrafTment, 
 that I could a/k z. fous too much of a flranger— 
 and of a ftranger whofe pohtcncls, more than his 
 want of gloves, has done me the honour to lay 
 himfeif at my mercy? — iyfen-croye-i. capable?—^ 
 Faith I not I, faid 1; and if you were, you are 
 welcome — fo counting the money into her hand, 
 and with a lower bow than one generally niakcs to 
 a fhopkccper's wife, 1 went out, and her lad with 
 parcel followed me. 
 
 SENT. JOURN-EV, PAGS^ ^Jv, 
 
 THE
 
 ■2Z THE BEAUTIES OF STEPvNE, 
 
 THE PIE-MAN. 
 
 C E E I N G a man ftanding with a baiket on the 
 other fide of a f]:reet, in Verfailles, as if he had 
 fomething to fell, I bid La Fleur go up to him and 
 enquire for the Count de B * * *'s liotel. 
 
 La Fleur returned a little pale: and told me it 
 was a Chevalier de St. Louis felling pate's — It is im- 
 poflible, La Fleur 1 faid I. — La Flexir could no 
 more account for the phenomenon than myfelf; 
 but pei-fifted in his ftory : he had feen the croix fet 
 in gold, with its red ribband, he faid, tied to his 
 button-hole — and had looked into his baiket and 
 feen the pate's which the Chevalier was fellings 
 fo could not be miftaken in that^ 
 
 Such a reverfe in a man's life awakens a better 
 principle than curiofity: I could not help looking 
 for fome time at him as I fat in the retnife — the 
 more I looked at him, his croix. and his bafket, 
 the ftronger they wove themfelves into my brain 
 — »1 got out of the r 07711 fe and went towards him. 
 
 He
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 33 
 
 He was begirt with a clean linen apron which 
 tVil below his knees, and with a Tort of a bib which 
 went halfway up his bread; upon the top of this, 
 but a little below the hem, hung his croix. His 
 bii ket of little pates was covered over with a 
 white damafk napkin; another of the fame kind 
 v:'s fpread at the bottom; and there was a look of 
 proprete znd neatnefs throughout; that one might 
 have bought his patc'j of him, as much from appe- 
 tite as fcntimcut. 
 
 He made an offer of them to neither; but f^ood 
 ftill with them at the corner of a hotel, for 
 thofe to buy who choie it, without folicitation. 
 
 Hewasabout forty-eight — of a fedatelook,fome- 
 thing approaching to gravity. I did not wonder. — 
 1 went up rather to tlie balket than him, and hav- 
 ing lifted up the napkin and taken one of his pate's 
 into my hand — 1 begg'd he would explain the ap- 
 pearance which affedlcd me. 
 
 He told me in a few words, that the bcft part 
 of his life had paflTed in the I'crvice, in which, alter 
 fpending a iVnall patrimony, he had obtained :i 
 company and the croix with it ; but that, at the 
 condulion of the lafl peace, his regiment beinfv 
 
 reformed
 
 34 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 reformed, and the whole corps, with thofe^ of 
 fome other regiments, left without any provifion, 
 • — he found himCelf in a wide world without 
 friends, without a livre — and indeed, faid he, 
 without any tiling but this — (pointing, as he faid 
 it, to his croix) — The poor Chevalier won my pity, 
 and he finiflied the fcene with winning my efteem 
 too. 
 
 The king, he faid, was the moft generous of 
 princes, but his gencrofity could neither relieve 
 or reward every one, and it was only his misfor- 
 tune to be amongfl the number. He had a little 
 wife, he faid, whom he loved, who did the patif- 
 ferie ; and added, he felt no difhonour in defend- 
 ing her and himfelf from want in this way — un- 
 lefs providence had offered him a better. 
 
 It would be wicked to withhold a pleafure 
 from the good, in palling over what happened to, 
 this poor Chevalier of St. Louis about nine months 
 after^ 
 
 It feems he ufually took his fland near the iron 
 gates which lead up to the palace, and as his 
 croix had caught the eyes of numbers, numbers 
 had made the fame enqiiiry which I had done — 
 
 He
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 3J 
 
 He had told tliem ilie lame ftory, and always 
 V ith fo mucli inodd*"/ and good Tenfe, that it 
 had reached at lafl the K-ing's ears — who hearing 
 tlie Chevalier had been a gallant officer, and re- 
 fpetfted by the whole regiment as a man of honour 
 and integrity — he broke up his little trade by a 
 pcnfion of tifteen hundred livrcs a year. 
 
 SENT. JOURNEY, PACT, I48. 
 
 As I have told this to pleafe the reader, I beg 
 he will allow me to relate another, out of its 
 order, to pleafe myfelf — the two ftorics rcflcd: 
 light upon each other — and 'tis a pity they fliould 
 be parted. 
 
 T li E
 
 36 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 W 
 
 THESWORD. 
 
 RENNES. 
 
 /HEN ftates and empires have their periods 
 of declenfion, and feel in their turns what 
 diflrefs and poverty is — 1 flop not to tell the 
 caufcs which gradually brought the houfe d'E**** 
 in Britanny into decay. The Marquis d'E**** had 
 fought up againft his condition with great firm- 
 nefs ; wifliing to preferv^e, and fcill fliew to the 
 world, fome little fragments of what his anceftors 
 had been — their indifcretions had put it out of his 
 power. There was enough left for the little 
 exigencies of ohfcurity — But he had two boys 
 who looked up to him for light — he thought they 
 deferved it. He had tried his fword — it could 
 not open the way — the nioiinting \\?.'=- too expen- 
 five — and fimple oeconomy was not a match for 
 it — there was no refource but commerce. 
 
 In any other province in France, fave Britanny, 
 this was fmiting the root for ever of the little tree 
 his pride and aife6tion wifhed to fee re-bloflbm — 
 
 But
 
 THE BEAUTIES or STERNE. 37 
 
 But in Britanny, there being a provifion for this, 
 he availed himielt" of it ; and taking an occafiou 
 when the ftates were alFembled at Rennes, the 
 Marquis, attended with his two fons, entered the 
 court ; and having pleaded the right of an ancient 
 law of the duchy, which, though feldom claimed, 
 he liid, was no lefs in force ; he took his fword 
 
 Trom his fide Here, faid he, take it ; and be 
 
 trufty guardians of it, till better times put me in 
 condition to reclaim it. 
 
 The prefident accepted the Marquis's fword— 
 he fluid a few minutes to fee it depodted in the 
 archives of his houfe, and departed. 
 
 I The Marquis and his whole family embarked 
 Bhe next day for Martinico, and in about nineteen 
 Hr twenty years of fucceisful application to bufi- 
 He(s, with fome unlooked for bequefls from difbnt 
 ^ inches of his houfe — returned home to reclaim 
 nobility and to fupport it. 
 
 It was an incident of good fortune which will 
 IncN'cr happen to any traveller, but a fentimental 
 •, that I (hould be at Rennes at the very time 
 
 01 this folcmn requifition : 1 call it- (blcmn 
 
 jit was fo to me. 
 
 B The
 
 38 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 The Marquis entered the court with his whole 
 family : he fupported his lady — his eldeft fon fup- 
 ported his ("fter, and his youngefl was at the other 
 extreme of the line next his mother. he put 
 his handkerchief to his face twice——— 
 
 There was a dead filence. When the 
 
 Marquis had approached within fix paces of the 
 tribunal, he gave the Marchionefs to his youngefl 
 fon, and advancing three fteps before his family — 
 he reclaimed his fword. — His fword was given 
 him, and the moment he got it into his hand he 
 drew it almoft out of the fcabbard — it was the 
 fliining face of a friend he had once given up — 
 he looked attentively a long it, beginning at 
 the hilt, as if to fee whether it was the fame —   
 when obfei-ving a little ruftwhich it had contracted 
 near the point, he brought it near his eye, and 
 bending his head down over it — I think 1 faw a 
 tear fall upon the place : I could not be deceived 
 by what followed. 
 
 *' I fliail find, faid he, fome other way^ to get 
 " it off." 
 
 When the Marquis had faid this, he return-j 
 ed his Iword into its fcabbard, nude a bow tc 
 
 the 
 
 i« 
 
 ca
 
 THE BE.AUTIES OF STERNE. 39 
 
 »4ie guardians of it and, with his wile and 
 
 daughter, and his two (bus following hini, walkejj 
 out, 
 
 O how I envied him his feelings ! 
 
 S. JOURNEY, PAGt, I53. 
 
 THE ASS. 
 
 T WAS flopped at the gate of Lyons by a poor 
 afs, who had juft turned in with a couple of 
 large panniers upon his back, to coUetSt eleemofy- 
 nary turnip-tops, and cabbage-leaves ; and flood 
 dubious, with his two fore-feet on the infide of the 
 thrcfhold, and with liis two hinder feet towards 
 the flreet, as not knowing very well whether he 
 was to go in, or no. 
 
 Now, 'tis an animal (be in what hurry I may) I 
 cannot bear to flrike — there is a patient endurance 
 of fufTcrings, wrote fo unaflfeifledly in his looks and 
 carriage, which pleads fo mightily for him, that 
 it always difarms mc j and to that degree, tliat I 
 
 El do
 
 46 ^ THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 ao not like to fpeak unkindly to him : on the con- 
 trary, meet him where I will — whether in town 
 or country — in cart or under panniers — whether 
 in liberty or bondage — I have ever fomething civil 
 to fay to him on my part ; and as one word begets 
 another (if lie has as little to do as I] — I generally 
 fall into converfation with him ; and furely never 
 is my imagination fo bufy, as in framing his re- 
 fponfes from the etchings of his countenance — 
 and where thofe carry me not deep enough — in 
 flying from my own heart into his, and feeing 
 what is natural for an afs to think — as well as a 
 man, upon the occafion. — In truth, it is the only 
 creature of all the clafles of beings below me, witk 
 Whom 1 can do this : — for parrots, jackdaws, &c. 
 I never excharge a word \'t'ith them — nor with the 
 apes, &c. for pretty near the fame reafon ; they 
 a<n by rote, as the others fpeak by it, and equally 
 make me filent : nay my dog and my cat, though 
 I value them both— (and for my dog he would 
 fpeak if he could)- — yet fome how or other, they 
 neither of them pofleis the talents for converfa^ 
 tion — I can make nothing of a difcourfe with 
 them. 
 
 - — But "with an afs, I can commune for ever, 
 come^ Hojiefly ! faid I,— feeing it was irapra(Sticable 
 
 to
 
 THE BE^.UTIES OF STERNE. 41 
 
 to pafs betwixt him and the gate — ait thou for 
 coming hi, or going out * 
 
 The afs twifted his head round to look up the 
 
 (b-cct— 
 
 Well — replied I — v,'e''\\ wait a minute for thy 
 driver : 
 
 — He tiirned his head thoughtful about, and 
 looked willifuUy the oppofite way — 
 
 1 underftaiid tliee perfecflly, anfwered 1 — if thou 
 takcft a wrong flep in this affair, he will cudgel 
 thee to death — Well I a minute is but a minute, 
 a!ul if it faves a fellow-creature a drubbing, it fliall 
 not be fet down as ill-fpcnt. He was eating the 
 ftcm of an artichoke as this difcourfe went on, and 
 in tlie little peevifli contentions of nature betwixt 
 hunger and unfavourinefs, had dropt it out of his 
 mouth half a dozen tunes, and picked it up again 
 — God help thee, Jack ! faid I, thou hall a bitter 
 breakfiift on't — and many a bitter day's labour — 
 :nd many a bitter blow, 1 fear, lor its wages — 
 lis all — all bjttcrnefs to thee, whatever life is to 
 '^ilicrs. 
 
 E 3 And
 
 !^z THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE.. 
 
 And now thy mouth, if one knew the truth of 
 it, is as bitter, I dare fay, as foot — (for he had 
 cafl afide the ftem) and thou haft not a friend per- 
 haps in all this world, that will give thee a maca- 
 roon. — In faying this, I pulled out a paper oi 
 them, which I had juft purchafed, and gave him 
 one — and at this moment that I am telling it, my 
 heart fmites me, that there was more of plea* 
 fantry in the conceit, of feeing how an afs would 
 eat a macaroon — than of benevolence in giving 
 him one, which prefided in the a<5l. 
 
 When the afs had eaten his macaroon, I pref- 
 fed him to come m — the poor bealt was heavy 
 loaded — his leo-s feemed to tremble under him— 
 he hung rather backw'ards, and as 1 pulled at his 
 halter, it broke fhort in my hand — he looked up 
 
 penfive in my face " Don't thraf]\ me with it 
 
 *' — but if you will, you may". — If 1 do, faid I,. 
 
 I'll be d d. The word was but one half of it 
 
 pronounced, when a perfon coming in, let fall a 
 thundering baflinado upon the poor devil's crup- 
 per, which put an end to the ceremony. Out 
 upon it I cried I. 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY^ \QL- IV. CHAP- T3. 
 
 THE
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE", 4^ 
 
 THE SERMON- 
 
 HEBREWS XIII. 18. 
 
 -For we TRUST we haze a good Confcienct.- 
 
 *' T^'RUST I — Truft we have a good confcicnce I"^ 
 
 [Certainly, Trim^ quoth my father, inter- 
 rupting him, you give that fentence a very im- 
 proper accent ; for you curl up your nofe, man, and 
 read it with ftich a fneering tone, as if the Parfun 
 was coing to abufe the Apoftlc. 
 
 He is, an' plcafe your honour, replied Trim. 
 
 P\^h ! faid my father, fmiling. 
 
 Sir, quoth Doctor Slop^ Trim is certainly in the 
 
 "ht ; for the vTirer (\^■ho I perceive is a Pro- 
 
 M'ltant) by tlic fnappifli manner in which he tal:cs 
 
 ■I the aportle, is certainly going to abufe him ; 
 
 fl,i' treatment of him has not done it aheady. 
 
 But
 
 44 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE^ 
 
 But from whence, replied my father, have you 
 concluded fo foon, Do6lor Slop^ that the writer is 
 of our church ? — for aught I can fee yet, — he may 
 be of any church. — Becaufe, anfwered Do6lor Slop^ 
 if he was of ours, — he durft no more take fuch a 
 licence, — than a bear by his beard : — If, in our 
 communion. Sir, a man was to infult an apoflle, 
 — a faint, — or even the prying of a faint's nail, — 
 he would have his eyes fcratched out. — What, 
 by the faint ? quoth my uncle Toby. No, replied 
 Do6ior Slop^ he would have an old houfe over 
 his head. Pray, is the Inquifition an ancient 
 building, anfwered my uncle Toby^ or is it a mo- 
 dern one ? — I know nothing of archite^ure, re- 
 plied "DoS-orSlop. — An' pleafe your honours, quoth 
 Trim^ the Inquifition is the vilefl — Prithee fpare 
 thy defcription, Tfim^ I hate the very name of it, 
 faid my father. — No matter for that, anfv/ered 
 Doclor Slop^ — it has its ufes ; for though I'm no 
 great advocate for it, yet, in fuch a cafe as this,. 
 he would foon be taught better manners ; and I 
 can tell him, if he went on at that rate, would 
 be flung into the Inquifition for his pains. God 
 help him then, quoth my uncle Toby. Amen^ 
 added Trim, for heaven above knows I have a poor 
 brother who lias been fourteen years a captive in 
 it. — I never heard one word of it before^ faid my 
 
 tmcle
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 45 
 
 uncle Tuby^ haftily : — How came he there, Trim ? 
 — O, Sir I the ftory will make your heart bleed, 
 — as it has made mine a thoulanU times ; — the 
 lliort of the ftory is tiiis : — My brother Tom 
 went over a f'ervant to I.iflyon^ — and married 
 a y^u/'s widow, who kept a fmall ihop, and fold 
 faufages, which fomehow cr other, was the caufe 
 ol his being taken in the middle of the night out 
 of his bed, where he was lying with his wife and 
 two fmall children, and carried diredily to the 
 Inquifition, where, God help him, continued Trim^ 
 fetching a figh from the bottom of his heart, — 
 the poor honeft lad lies confined at this hour ; 
 he was as honeft a foul, added Trim^ (pulling out 
 his handkerchief) as ever blood warmed. 
 
 — Tlie tears trickled do\'v'n Trim^s cheeks fafter 
 than he could well wipe them away. — A dead 
 filcnce in the room enfucd for fome minutes. — 
 Certain proof of pity ! Come, 7'n>«, quoth my 
 father, after he faw the poor fellow's grief had 
 got a little vent, — read on, — and put this me- 
 lancholy ftory out of thy head : — 1 grieve that I 
 internipted thee ; but prithee begin the Sermon 
 again ; — for if the lirft fcntcnce in it is matter of 
 abiife, as thou fayeft, I have a great defire to 
 know what kind of provocation the apoftle has' 
 given. Corporal
 
 4'6 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 Corporal Trim wiped his face, and returned his 
 handkerchief into his pocket, and, making a bow 
 as he did it, — he began again.] 
 
 THE SERMON. 
 
 HEBREWS, XIll. 18. 
 
 — - — For we trust we have a good Ccnfcience, • 
 
 " TRUST! truit we have a good confciencel 
 
 " Surely if there is any thing in this life which a 
 " man may depend upon, and to the knowledge of 
 " which he is capable of arriving upon the moft in- 
 *' dilputable evidence, it muft be this very thing, 
 *' — whether he has a good confcience or no." 
 
 [I am pofitive I am right, quoth Dr. Slop."] 
 
 *' If a man thinks at all, he cannot well be x 
 
 ** flranger to the true ftate of this account; he 
 
 *' muft: be privy to his own thoughts and defires; — . 
 ** he muft remember his paft pvirfuits, and know 
 ** certainly the true fprings and motives, which, in 
 ** general, have governed the aclions of his life." 
 
 [I defy
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STFJINE. 47 
 
 J^I defy liim, without an affiihint, quoth Dr. Slop.'] 
 
 *' In other matters we may be deceived by falfe 
 •♦ appearances ; and, as the wile man complains, 
 ♦* hardly do we guefs aright at the things that are 
 ** upon the earthy and with labour do we find ths 
 ** things that are before us. But here the mind has 
 
 **• all the evidence and facls within herlclf; is 
 
 *' confcious of tlic web Ihe has wove ; know^s 
 
 ** its texture and tinenefs, and the exact Uiare 
 ** which every palllon has had in working upon the 
 " feveral defigns which virtue or vice has planned 
 " before her." 
 
 [^The language is good, and I deolare Trim reads 
 ver\' well, quoth my fathen] 
 
 *' Now, — as confcience is nothing elfe but the 
 '* knowledge which the mind has within herlclf of 
 *■*■ this; and the judgment, either of approbation or 
 ** cenlurc, which it unavoidably makes upon the 
 *' fucceHivc actions of our lives ; 'tis plain you will 
 ** fay, from tlie very terms of the propolition, — 
 *' wlienever this inward teftimony goes againll a 
 ** man, aiid he (lands felf accufed, — that he mull 
 
 ** necefTarlly be a guilty man. And, on the con- 
 
 " trary, v. litn the report b favourable on his lide, 
 
 " and
 
 48 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 *' and his heart condemns him not ; — that it is 
 ** not a matter of truji^ as the apoftle intimates, 
 " but a matter o1 certainty and faft, that the con- 
 *' fcience is good, and that the man mivft he 
 *' sood alfo." 
 
 t) 
 
 [Then the apoftle is altogether in the wrong, 
 I fuppofe, quoth Dr. Slop, and the Proteftant divine 
 is in the right. Sir, have patience, replied my 
 father, for I think it will prefently appear that 
 Saint Paul and the Proteftant divine are both of 
 
 an opinion. As nearly fo, quoth Dr. Slop, as 
 
 eaft is to weft; — but this, continued he, lifting both 
 hands, comes from the liberty of the prefs. 
 
 It is no more, at the worft, replied my uncle 
 Toby, than the liberty of the pulpit, for it does not 
 appear that the fermon is printed, or ever likely 
 to be. 
 
 Go on. Trim, quoth my father.] 
 
 " At firft fight this may feem to be a true flate 
 ** of the cal'e ; and 1 make no doiibt but the know- 
 ** ledge of rifrht and wrong is fo truly imprefled 
 " upon the mind of man, — that did no fuch thing 
 *' ever happen, as that the confcicnce of a man, by 
 
 '^ long
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 49 
 
 ** long habits of fin, might (as the fcripture aflures 
 " it may) infeiifibly become hard ; — aiid, like Tome 
 " tender parts of his body, by much Itrefs and con- 
 '* tinual hard ufage, lole by degrees that nice 
 *' fenle and perception with which God and nature 
 *•' endowed it : — Did this never happen ; — or was 
 *' it certain that felf-love could never hang the 
 *■' leaft bias upon the judgment ; — or that the little 
 '•^ interefts below could rife up and perplex the 
 '* faculties of our upper regions, and encompafs 
 *' them about with clouds and tliick darlcnefs :— 
 *' Could no Inch thing as favour and alTeclion en- 
 ^'' tcr this facred court: — Did wit dil'dain to 
 '•'• take a bribe in it ; — or ^\'as alliamed to fhew its 
 '' face as an advocate for an unwarrantable enjoy- 
 *' ment: Or, laftly, were we aiTured that interist 
 ^'' ftood always unconcemed whilft the caule was 
 ** hearing, — and that PaHion never got into tlie 
 *' judgment-leat, and pronounced fentence in the 
 '• ftead of Reafon, which is fuppoibd always to 
 *•• prdlde and determine upon the cafe : — ^\Vas 
 **• this truly fo, as the objection rauft fuppofc; — no 
 *' doubt then the religious and moral flate of a 
 *■'■ man would be exactly what he himfclf" elteem- 
 *' ed it;— and the guilt or innocence of every 
 *' man's life could be known, in general, by no 
 
 F ♦' better
 
 JO THE BEAUTIES OF STER.NE. 
 
 " better meafure, than the degrees of his own 
 *' approbation and cenfure. 
 
 " I own, in one cafe, whenever a man's con- 
 *' fcience does accnfe him (as it feldom eiTs on that 
 " fide) that he is guilty; and unlefs in melancholy 
 *' and hypocondriac cafes, we mayfafelypronoxmce 
 ** upon it, that there is always fufficient grounds 
 *^ for the accnlation. 
 
 *' But the converfe of the propofition will not 
 *' hold true; — namely, that whenever there is guilt, 
 *' the confcience muft accufe; and if it does not, 
 
 ** that a man is therefore innocent. This is not 
 
 *' fadl So that the common confolation which 
 
 *' fome good chriftian or other is hourly admini- 
 ** ftering to hinifelf, — that he thanks God his mind 
 *' does not mifgive him; and that, confequently, 
 *' he has a good confcience, becaufe he hath a quiet 
 
 *' one, — is fallacious; and as current as the in- 
 
 ** ference is, and as infallible as the rule appears at 
 ^^ firft fight, yet when you look nearer to it, and 
 
 ** try the truth of this rule upon plain fac^s, 
 
 " you fee it liable to fo much error from a falfe ap- 
 ** plication; — the principal upon which it goes lo 
 *' often perverted; — the whole force of it loft, and 
 ** fometimcs fo vilely cafl: away, that it is painrhl to 
 
 •■* produce
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 51 
 
 " produce the common examples Irom liuman life, 
 '* wliicli coulirm the account. 
 
 " A man (liall be vicious and utterly debauched 
 ' in his principles; — exceptionable in his conduct 
 ' to the world; fhall live fiiamelefs in the open 
 ' commiflion of a fin, which no reaibn or pretence 
 ' can juftify, — a fm by which^ contrary to all the 
 ' wcndngs of humanity, he fdall ruin for ever the 
 ' deluded partner of iiis guilt ; — rob her of her beft 
 ' dowry ; and not only cover her own head with 
 ' diilionour; — but involve a whole virtuous family 
 ' in ihame and forrow for her fake. Surely, you 
 ' will think confcience mufl lead fuch a man a trou- 
 ' blefomt life ; — he can have no reft night or day 
 
 * from its reproaches. 
 
 " All-. I CONSCIENCE hadfomcthing elfe to do 
 ^^ all this time, than break in upon him; as Elijah 
 
 '' reproached the god Baal^ this domeftic god 
 
 *' u'tis tither talking or purfiiing^ or was in a jotir- 
 *' lay^ or peradvtntttrt: he Jlept and could not be 
 *■'- awoke. Perhaps hl was gone out into company 
 *' with HONOR to hght a dtiel ; to payoff fomc 
 
 • debt at play ; — or dirty annuity, the bargain of 
 " iiis liift ; Perhaps CONSCIENCE all this tunc was 
 '" ingaged at home, tdlking aloud ag.iinlt ptity 
 
 ♦» Lr.t.r.y
 
 52 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE.- 
 
 " larceny, and executing vengeance upon fome fuch 
 " puny crimes as his fortune and rank of life fe- 
 ** cured him againft all temptation of committing ; 
 
 ** fo thathe lives as merrily." [If hewas of our 
 
 church, though, quoth Dr. Slop^ he could not] 
 ** — Heaps as foundly in his bed; — and at laft meets 
 ** death as unconcernedly; — perhaps much more 
 ** fo, than a much better man." 
 
 {^AU this is impoffible with us, quoth Dr. Slop^ 
 turning to my father, — the cafe could not happen 
 
 in our cliurch. It happens in ours, however, 
 
 replied my father, but too often. 1 own, quoth 
 
 Dr. Slop^ (ftruck a little with my father's frank ac- 
 knowledgment) — that a man in the Romijli chiu'ch 
 may live as badly ; — but then he cannot eafily die 
 
 fo. 'Tis little matter, replied my father, with 
 
 an air of indifference, — how a rafcal dies. — I mean, 
 anfwered Dr. Slop^ he would be denied the benefits 
 
 of thelaft facraments. Pray how many haveyou 
 
 in all, faid my uncle Toby^ — for I always forget? 
 
 ——Seven, anfwered Dr. Slop. Humph I — 
 
 faid my uncle Toby ; though not accented as a note 
 of acquiefcence, — ^but as an interjedlion of that par- 
 ticular fpecies of furprife, when a man in looking 
 into a drawer, finds more of a thing than he ex- 
 pelled.— —Humph 1 replied my uncle Toby. Dr. 
 
 F 2 Slop
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 53 
 
 Slopy who had an ear, underftood my uncle Toby as 
 well as if he had wrote a whole volume againft the 
 
 feven facraraents. Humph! replied Dr. Slop^ 
 
 (ftating my uncle Toby^s argument over again to 
 
 him) ^^'hy, Sir, are there not ftven cardinal 
 
 virtues ? — Seven mortal fins ? — Seven golden can- 
 dlelHcks? — Seven heavens? — 'Tis more than I 
 know, replied my uncle Toby. Are there not 
 
 Seven wonders of the world? — Seven days of the 
 creation? — Seven planets? — Seven plagues ?■ 
 That there are, quoth my father, with a moft af- 
 fected gravity. But prithee, continued he, go on 
 with the reft of thy charadlers, Trhn.'] 
 
 *' Another is fordid, unmerciful," (here Trim 
 waved his right hand) " a llruit-hcarted, felfifb 
 " wretch, incapable either of private friendftiip or 
 " public fpirit. Take notice how he paflVs by the 
 ** widow and orphan in their diflrefs, and fees all 
 '* the miferies incident to human life without a figh 
 •^ or a prayer." [An' pleafe your lionours, cried 
 '^' . /;, I think this a viler man than the other.] 
 
 ** Shall not confciencc rife up and fting him on 
 ** fuch occafions? ——No; tliank God tiicre is 
 ••* no occafion, I pay every man his own; — I have «• 
 ** fvrmcation to anfwerto my coufcience; — no faith' 
 
 r 3 '* left
 
 J4 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE, 
 
 ** lefs -jovjs or promifes to make up; 1 have de^ 
 
 " bauched no man's wife or child j thank Gody Jam 
 ^' ftot as other inen^ adulterers^ iinjtif}^ or even as 
 *' this liberfinej 7i>ho ftands before me. A third is 
 *' crafty and defigning in his nature. View his 
 
 *' whole life,. .'tis nothing but a cunning con- 
 
 *' texture of dark arts and unequitable fubterfugest 
 *' bafely to defeat the true intent of all laws, — 
 *' plain-dealing, and tlie fafe enjoyment of our 
 
 " feveral properties. you will fee fuch a one 
 
 ** working out a frame of little defigns upon the 
 *' ignorance and perplexities of the poor and nee civ 
 " man ; — fhall raife a fortune iipon the inexperi- 
 ** ence of a youth, or tlie unfufpecling temper of 
 ** his friend, who would have tnifted him with 
 *' his life. When old age comes on, and rcpen- 
 *' tance calls him to look back upon this black ac- 
 " count, and flate it over again with his con- 
 '^ fcience — conscience looks into the statutes 
 *' at LARGE ; — finds no exprefs law broken by 
 *' what he has done ; — ^perceives no penalty or 
 " forfeiture of goods and cliattels incurred; — fees 
 *' no fcourge waving over his head, or priion 
 *' opening his gates upon him ; — What is thtre 
 " to affright his confcience ? — Confcience has got 
 *' fafely entrenched behind the Letter of the Law ; 
 *' fits there invulnerable, fortified with €^U3 and 
 
 *' Rfportu
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. si 
 
 *^ Rfportfl fo ftrongly on al! fides; — that it is uor 
 *' preaching can dirpolfel's it of its hold." 
 
 [The charadlcr of this lafl man, faid Dr. 
 Slop^ interrupting Tr/w, is more deteftable th:itt 
 all the reft ; — md lecms to have been taken 
 from fome pettifogging lawyer amoneft you : 
   - amongft us, a man's confcience could 
 
 not poHibly continue fo long bunded^ three 
 
 times in a year, at leaft, he nmfl: go to conftt- 
 fion. Will that rcftort- it lo light ) quotli i:.y 
 
 Hncle Tobv. G.' on, r»7/«, quoth my fathe:; 
 
 Tisvery fliort, replied /V/w. I \vi!;i it v.ts 
 
 longer, quoth my uncle Toby^ for 1 like it hv.geV, ; 
 Trif)i went on..] 
 
 " A fourth man fiiall want even this refuge? 
 '* lliall break throuT;h all their ceremony of 
 " flow chicane; — fcorns the doubtful workings 
 ** of I'ecret plots and cautious trains to bring a- 
 
 *' bout his purpofe : See the bare-faced vil-* 
 
 *' lain, how lie cheats, lies, pcrjm-es, robs, mui- 
 " dcTs I — Horrid I — But indeed much better was 
 " not to be expetSted, in the prdent cafe — 
 " the poor man was in the dark I — his Prieft 
 " had got the keeping of his confcience; — and 
 *' all he would let liijn kno\\' of it, W;is, Tli.it 
 
 " lie
 
 5 6 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 *< he muft believe in the Pope ; — go to Mafs ; 
 it — crofs himfelf ; — tell his beads ; — be a gobd 
 ** Catholic, and that this, in all confcien-ce, was 
 '' enough to carry him to heaven. What ; — 
 ** if he perjures ! — Why; — he had a mental re- 
 
 " fervation in it. ^But if he is fo wicked and 
 
 *' abandoned a wretch as yon reprefent him ; 
 " — if he robs, — if he ftabs, will not confcienca, 
 *' on every fuch act, receive a wound itfelf? 
 u — Aye, — but the man has carried it to con- 
 *' feffion ; — the wound digefts there, and will 
 *' do well enoug-h, and in a fliort time be 
 *' quite healed up by abfolution. O Popery ! 
 ** what haft thou to anfwer for ? — when, not 
 ** content with the too many natural and fatal 
 *' ways, thro' which the heart of man is every 
 ** dayjthus treacherous to itfelf above all things ; 
 a — thou haft wilfully fet open the wide gate 
 *' of deceit before the face of this unwary tra- 
 «' veller, too apt, God knows, to go aftray of 
 *' himfelf; and confidently fpeak peace to him- 
 '' felf, when there is no peace. 
 
 ** Of this the common inftances which I have 
 <* drawn out of life, are too notorious to re- 
 *' quire much evidence. If any man doubts the 
 
 y reality
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 57 
 " reality of tlic-in, or thinks it impo.Tible for a 
 *' mail to be fuch a bubble to himl'elf, — 1 muft 
 " refer him a moment to his own reflections, 
 "*' and will then venture to truft my appeal with 
 '■'• his own heart. 
 
 *' Let him confider in how different a degree 
 *' of dctefbtion, numbers of wicked atStions 
 '' fUnd t/iere^ tho' equally bad and vicious in 
 *' their own natures ; — hz will foon find, that 
 ** fuch of tliem as Itrong inclination and cuftom 
 " have prompted him to commit, are generally 
 " drefled out and painted with all the falfe 
 *' beauties, which a foft and a fiattering hand 
 ** can give them ; — and that the others, to 
 ♦* which he feels no propenfity, appear, at 
 ** once, naked and deformed, furroundcd with 
 '* all the true circumflancis of folly and diiho- 
 ** nour. 
 
 *' When David furprlfed Saul fleeping in the 
 ** cave, and cut oft' tlie Ikirt of his robe — \\ e 
 ** read his heart fmote him for what he had 
 ** done : — But in the matter ofUriah^ where a 
 ** faitliful and gallant I'ervant, whom he ought 
 '* to have loved and honoured, fell to make 
 ♦* way for his lulf, — where cojiiciencc luid (o 
 
 much
 
 58 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 *' much greater reafon to take the alarm, his 
 " heart fmote him not. A whole year had al- 
 *' mofl pafled from the firft commiffion of that 
 *' crime, to the time Nathan was fent to re- 
 " prove him ; and we read not once of the 
 *' leaft forrow or compunftion of heart which 
 ** he teftified, during ail that time^ for what 
 ♦* he had done. 
 
 ** Thus confcience, this once able monitor, 
 *' — placed on high as a judge within us, and 
 *' intended by our Maker as a juft and equitable 
 *' one too, — by an unhappy train of caufes and 
 * ' impediments, takes often fuch imperfedl cog- 
 ** nizance of what pafles, — does its office fo 
 *' negligently,- — fometimes fo corruptly, — that 
 " it is not to be trufted alone ; and therefore 
 *' we fjid there is a neceflity, an abfolute ne- 
 *' ceffity, of joining another principle with it, 
 ** to aid, if not govern, its determinations. 
 
 *' So that if you would form a juft judgment 
 " of what is of infinite importance to you not 
 ** to be milled in, — namely, in what degree 
 *' of real merit you fland either as an honeft 
 *' man, an ufeful citizen, a faithful fubje6t to 
 ** your king, or a good fervaut to your God, 
 
 « -^aU
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 59 
 
 ^' — call in religion and nioraiity. Look, 
 
 *■'■ ^\■hat is written in the law of God ? — How 
 *■*• readeft thou ? — Conl'tilt caW rcafon and the 
 " unchangeable obligations of juflice and truth; 
 " — what fay they ? 
 
 ** Let CONSCIENCE determine the matter 
 " upon thell: reports ; — and then if thy heart 
 *' condemns thee not, which is tlie cafe the 
 " apoltlc fuppofes, — the rule will be infallible," 
 — [Here Dr. Slop fell afleep] — " t/ioti wilt 
 '•'' have con/irience towards God; — that is, have 
 *' jurt grounds to believe the judgment thovi 
 '' haft pail upon thyfelf, is the judgment of 
 '' God ; and nothing elle but an anticipation 
 " of that rightsom fentence, which will be pro- 
 '* nounctd upon thee hereafter by that Being, 
 *' to whom thou art finally to give an account 
 ** of thy actions. 
 
 " lilcjfed is the ma/iy indeed, then, as the 
 
 *' author of the book of Eccle/iajlicus exprclPes 
 
 " it, ir/io is not pricked with the multitude of 
 
 *♦ hii fins : Blejfcd is the man whofe heart hath 
 
 ** not condemned him ; whether he be rich^ or 
 
 ** whether he be poor^ if he have a ^aod hearty 
 
 " (a heart thus guided and ijiformed) he flinll
 
 6o THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 *' at all times rejoice in a cheerful countenance ; 
 **■ //// mind Jliall tell him Tnore than feven vjatch- 
 *' men that fit above upon a tower on high. 
 
 " — In the darkeft doubts it fliall conduct 
 *' him fafer than a thoufand cafuifts, and give 
 ** the ilate he lives in, a better fecurity for 
 ■** his behaviour than all the caufes and re- 
 *' ftri(5tions put together, which law- makers are 
 *' forced to multiply : — Forced^ as I fay, as 
 *^ things ftand ; human laws not being a mat- 
 *^ ter of original ciioice, but of pure neceflity, 
 ** brought in to fence againfl the mifchievous 
 '* eftecls of thofe confciences which are no law 
 *' unto themfelves ; well intending, by the 
 ** many provifions made, — that in all fuch cor- 
 *' rupt and mifguided cafes, where principles 
 ** and the checks of confcience will not make 
 *< us upright, — to fupply their force, and, by 
 *' the terrors of gaols and halters, oblige us 
 « to it." 
 
 [I fee plainly, faid my father, that this fer- 
 mon has been compofed to be preached at the 
 Temple, — or at fomc Affize. — I like the reafon- 
 ing, and am fbrry that Dr. Slop has fallen 
 afleep before the time of his conviction : — for 
 
 it
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 6i 
 
 it is now clear, that the Parfon, as I thought 
 at firft, never infulted St. Paul in the leaft ;^ 
 nor has there been, brother, the leaft difference 
 between them : — A great mattei-, if they had 
 differed, replied my uncle Tob)\ — thebeft friends 
 in the world may differ fometimes. — Ti^ue, — 
 brother Tcby^ quoth my father, fhaking hands 
 with him, — we'll fill our pipes, brother, and 
 then Trim (hall go on. 
 
 He read on as follows.] 
 
 *' To have the fear of God before our eyes, 
 *' and, in our mutual dealings with each other, 
 ** to govern our aiflions by the eternal mea- 
 *' fures of right and wrong: — The firft olthefe 
 *' will comprehend the duties of religion; — the 
 *' fecond, thofe of morality, which are fo infe- 
 *' perably conne<fted together, tliat you cannot 
 *' divide thefe two tables^ even in imaginat'oi, 
 *' (thougli the attempt is often made in prac- 
 *' tice) without breaking and mutually deftroy- 
 " ing them both. 
 
 *' I faid the attempt is often made; and fo 
 ti it is; — there being nothing more common 
 *' than to fee a man who has no ftnfe at all of 
 
 G " religion
 
 62 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 *' religion, and indeed has fo much honefly as 
 ** to pretend to none, who would take it as the 
 *' bittereft affi'ont, fhould you but hint at a 
 ** fiifpicion of his moral chara(5ler, — or imagine 
 ** he was not confcientioufly juft and fcrupulous 
 *' to the uttermoll mit-e, 
 
 ** When there is fome appearance that it is 
 *' fo, — tho' one is luiwilling even to fufpe<5t the 
 *' appearance of fo amiable a virtue as moral 
 *' honefty, yet were we to look into the 
 ** grounds of it, in the prefent cafe, I am per- 
 ** iuaded we Should find little reafon to envy 
 ♦* fuch a one the honour of his motive. 
 
 *' Let him declaim as pompoufly as he choofes 
 *' upon the fubje(St, it will be found to reft upon 
 "• no better foundation than either his intereft, 
 *' his pride, his eafe, or fome fuch little and 
 *' changeable paflion as will give us but fmall 
 *' dependance upon his adlions in matters of 
 *' great diflrefs. 
 
 ** I will illuftrate this by an example. 
 
 " I know the banker I deal with, or the phy- 
 
 *•* iiciari I iiTually call in," — 
 
 [There
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERXE. 63 
 
 [There is no need, cried Dr. Slop^ (waking) 
 to call in any phylician in this cafe] 
 
 *' — To be neither of them men of much re- 
 **• lii^ion : I hear tliem make a jeil of it every 
 '* day, and treat all its ianclions with fo mucli 
 " Icom, as to put the matter part: doubt. 
 '' Well; — notwitlillanding this, 1 put my for- 
 *' tune into the hands of the one;- -and what 
 *' is dearer ftill to me, I trufl my liiC to the 
 " honeft ikill of ths other. 
 
 " Now let me examine what is my reafon 
 " for this great confidence. Why, in the firfl 
 '* place, 1 believe there is no probability that 
 " either of them will employ the po .ver I put 
 *' into their hands to my difadvantage ; — 1 con- 
 *' ftder that honefty fcrves the piurpoles of this 
 " life: — 1 know their fuccefs in the world de- 
 '* pends upon the fairnefs of their chai*a<fters. 
 " — In a word, I'm perliiaded that they cannot 
 " hurt me without hurting themfclvcs more. 
 
 «' But put it otherAvifc, namely, that intcrcftlay, 
 
 " for once, on the other lidc ; that a cafe fliould 
 
 ** liapi>en wherein the one, without ftain to 
 
 ** his reputation, could fccretc my fortune, and 
 
 G z ** leave
 
 ^4 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 *' leave me naked in the world ; — or that the 
 " other could fend me out of it, and enjoy an 
 " eflate by my death, without difhonour to 
 " hiinielf or his art : — In this cafe, what hold 
 *' have 1 of either of them ? — Religion, the 
 " ftrongeft of all motives, is out of the quef- 
 " tion ; — Interefl, the next mofl powerful mo- 
 " tive in the world, is ftrongly againft me : —   
 " What have I left to cafl into the oppofite 
 *' fcale to balance this temptation ? — Alas ! I 
 ** have nothing, — nothing but what is lighter 
 " than a bubble — I muft lye at the mercy of 
 *' HONOUR, or fome fuch capricious principle 
 *' Strait fecurity for two of the moft valuable 
 ** bleflings ! — my property and myfelf. 
 
 *' As, therefore, we can have no dependence 
 '* upon morality without religion ; — ^fo, on the 
 **• o^her hand, there is nothing better to be ex- 
 " pei^ed from religion without morality ; ne- 
 *< verthelefs, 'tis no prodigy to fee a man 
 " whofe real moral character ftands very low, 
 *' \\ ho yet entertains the highefl notion of hijn- 
 ^' felf, in the light of a religious man. 
 
 " He fliall not only be covetous, revengeful, 
 *^ implacable^ — but even wanting in points of 
 
 " commoa
 
 THE BF.AUTIES OF STERNE. 6j 
 
 *' conunon honefty ; yet inafmuch as he talks 
 '* aloud againft tlie infidelity of tUe age, — is 
 *' zealous for fome points of religion, — goes 
 ** twice a day to church, — attends the facra- 
 *' ments, — and am\ifes hiinfelf with a few in- 
 ^' iVrumeutal parts of religion, — fiiall clieat 
 '* his conicience into a judgment, tliat, for 
 '•'• this, he is a religious man, and has difchargcd 
 '' truly his duty to God : And you will rind 
 ^^ that luch a man, through force of this delu- 
 *' iion, generally looks down with fpiritual 
 '' pride upon every other man who has lefs 
 " alfec^ation of piety, — though, pcrliaps, ten 
 *' times more real honefty than liimielf. 
 
 ** T/iis likewife is a fore ezil wider the fun s 
 ** and, I believe, there is no one mift;;dcen 
 *' principle, whicli, for its time, has wrought 
 *' more ferious miftliiefs. 
 
 (( 
 
 — For a general ])roof of this, — exa- 
 " mine tlie hiflory of ilie Rumifli cliurch;"'— . 
 
 [^Vell wliat can you make of that ? cried Dr. 
 
 Slop."] — *' fee what fccnes of cruelty, nnudcr^ 
 
 " rapine, blood/licd," — [They may thank their 
 
 own oWtinacy, cried Dr. Slop'] — '* have all 
 
 G 3 *' bcea
 
 66 THE'BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 ** been fandified by a religion not flri^lly go- 
 " verned by morality. 
 
 " In how many kingdoms of the world has 
 '' the crufading fword of this mifguided faint- 
 ** errant, fpared neither age or merit, or fex, 
 *' or condition ? — and, as he fought under the 
 *' banners of a religion which fet him loofe 
 *' from juflice and humanity, he fliewed none; 
 *' mercilefsly trampled upon both, — heard nei- 
 ** ther the cries of the unfortunate, nor pitied 
 " their diftrefles." 
 
 [I liave been in many a battle, an' pleafe 
 your honour, quoth Tvhn^ fighing, but never 
 in fo melancholy a one as this. — I would not 
 have drawn a tricker in it againft thefe poor 
 fouls, — to have been made a general officer. — 
 Why ? what do you underfland of the aifair ? 
 faid Dr. Slop^ looking towards Triin^ with 
 fomething more of contempt than the Corporal's 
 honeft heart deferved. — What do you knoM^, 
 friend, about this battle you talk of? — I know, 
 replied Trim^ that I never refufed quarter in. 
 my life to any man who cried out for it ; — but 
 to a Woman, or a child, continued Trim^ be- 
 fore I would level my mulket at them, I would 
 
 lofe
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 6> 
 
 lofe my life a thouland times. — Here's a crown 
 for thee, Ttim^ to drink with Obadiah to-night, 
 quotli my uncle Tohy^ — God blefs your honour, 
 replied Trim^ — I had rather thefe poor women 
 and children had it. — Thou art an honcft fel- 
 low, quoth my uncle Toby. — My father nodded 
 his head, — as much as to fay, — and fo he is. — 
 
 But prithee. Trim, faid my father, make an 
 end, — for I fee thou haft but a leaf or two left. 
 
 Corporal Trim read on.] 
 
 '' Ifthe teftimony of paftcentiuriesinthis matter 
 " is not fuificient, — conlider at this inftant, how 
 '^ the votaries of that religion are every day 
 '' thinking to do fervice and honour to God, 
 *' by actions which are a diihonour and fcandal 
 " to thfcinfelves. 
 
 ** To be convinced of thi«, go witli me for 
 '* a moment into the prifons of the Inquilition.'* 
 — [God help my poor brother Tom] — " Be- 
 '* hold Religion^ with AJercy and Jujlice chained 
 " down under her feet, — there fitting ghaflly 
 *' upon a black tribunal, propped tip with racks 
 ** and inftrunitnts of torment. Hark I — hark! 
 
 " what
 
 68 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 *^ what a piteous groan !" — [Here Trini's face 
 turned as pale as alhes] — " See the melancholy 
 *' v/retch who uttered it" — [Here the tears 
 began to trickle down.] — " juft brovight forth 
 *' to undergo the anguifh of a mock trial, and 
 ** endure the utmoft pains that a ftudied fyftem 
 *' of cruelty has been able to invent." — [D — n 
 them all, quoth Trim^ his colour returning into 
 his face as red as blood.] — " Behold this helplefs 
 *' victim delivered up to his tormentors,— his 
 '* body fo wafled with forrow and contine- 
 '* ment." — [Oh ! 'tis my brother, cried poor 
 Tri7n in a moft paflionate exclamation^ dropping 
 tlie fermon upon the ground, and clapping his 
 hands together — I fear 'tis poor Tcm. My fa- 
 ther's and my uncle Toby''s heart yearned with 
 fympathy for the poor fellow's diftrefs ; even 
 Slop himfelf acknowledged pity for him.   ' 
 Why, Trim^ faid my father, this is not a liiflory, 
 ——'tis a fermon thou art reading ; prithee begiii 
 the fentence again.] — " Behold this helplefs 
 *' victim delivered up to his tormentors, — his 
 *' body fo wafied with fon'ow and confinement, 
 *' you will fee every nerve and mufcle as it 
 *♦ fuffers. 
 
 " Obferve the lafl: movement of that horrid 
 ** engine 1" — [I would rather face a cannon,. 
 
 quotb
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 6^ 
 
 quoth Trim^ ftamping.] — " See \\'hat convul- 
 '* fions it has thrown him into I — Confidei^ the 
 *' nature of the podiire in which he now lies 
 *' ftretched, — what exquifite tortures he en- 
 
 *' (lures by it I 'ris all nature can bear ! 
 
 '* Good God ! lee how it keeps his weary fi.iil 
 " hanging upon his trembling lips I" [I would 
 Hot read another line of it, quoth Trim^ for all 
 this world : — 1 fear, an' plcale your honoiu*?, 
 all this is in Portugal^ where my poor brother 
 Tom is. 1 tell thee, Triri^ again, quoth my 
 father, 'tis not an hiltorical account, — 'tis a 
 
 defcription. 'Tis only a dcfcription, honeft 
 
 man, quoth Slop^ there's not a word of truth in 
 it. — That's anotlier flory, replied my father. — 
 However, as Tritn reails it with lb much coi> 
 cern, — 'tis cruelty to force him to go on with 
 it. — Give me hold of the fcrmon, Trim^ — I'll 
 finifli it for thee, and tliou may 'ft go. I muft 
 ftay and hear it too, replied Trim^ if your ho- 
 nour will allow me ; — though I would not read 
 it myfilf li)r a Colonel's pay. — Poor Trim ! 
 quoth my uncle Toby. — My father went on. — . 
 
 *' Cofider the nature of the pofture in which 
 '* he now lies ftrctched, — what excuiifite tor- 
 '* turc he endures by it 1 — 'Tis all nature can 
 
 u bear
 
 70 TKE BE.4UTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 '■^ bear ! Good Go 1 ! See liow it keeps his weary 
 " foul iiungjrg upon his trembling lips, — wil- 
 *' ling to take its leave, — bvir not fullered to 
 
 *' dcpa.rt I Behold the unhappy wretch led 
 
 *' back to his cell I 
 
 — [Then, thank God, however, quoth Tr/w, 
 they have not killed him.]— 
 
 " See him dra<rged o\it of it again to meet 
 *^ the flames, and the infults in his lall agonies, 
 " which this principle, — this principle, that 
 •' there can be religion without mercy, has 
 .*' prepared for him. The furefl: way to try 
 *' tlie mer.t of any difputed notion is, to trace 
 *' down the confequences fuch a notion has 
 *' produced, and compare them with the fpirit 
 " of chriftianity ; — 'tis the fhort and decifive 
 *' rule whicji our Saviour hath left us, for 
 ^' thele and fuch like cafes, and it is worth 
 " a thoufand arguments — By thar fruits ye 
 " Jliall know them, 
 
 " I will add no farther to the length of this 
 •^^ fermon, than by two or three Hiort and in- 
 *' dependant rules deducible from it. 
 
 u 
 
 Firjl,
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 71 
 
 *' Fir/}^ Whenever a man talks louJly againft 
 
 ** religion, always foTpect that it is not hi* 
 
 *' rcilbn, but iiis paluons, \v>iich have got the 
 
 ** better of his creed. A bad life and a gOod 
 
 " belief are difagreeable and troubk-ibnie neigh* 
 
 *' boiirs, and where they feparate, depend upon 
 
 *' it, 'tis for no other caufe but quietnefs 
 
 ♦' lake. 
 
 *' Secondly^ When a man, thus rcprefcnted, 
 *' tells you in any particular inftance, — That 
 *' fuch a tiling goes againft his confcience,— - 
 ** always believe he means exacflly the fame 
 " thing, as when he tells you fuch a thing 
 *' goes again/} his ftomach ; — a prel'ciit want 
 "■ of appetite being generally the true caufe of 
 " both. 
 
 *•■ In a word, — trud that man in notliiiig, 
 ^' who has not a co.nscience in e\'ery thing. 
 
 *' And, in your own cafe, remember this 
 ** plain diftinc'tion,a millake in which has mined 
 " thoufands, — that your confcience is not a 
 ti law : — No, God and rcafon made the laM', 
 ** and have placed confcience within you to 
 ♦' dcitrminc; — not Ukc an Afiatic Cad', accord-
 
 ya THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 " ing to the ebbs and flows of his own paflions, 
 *' — but like a Briti/Ji judge in this land of 
 *' liberty and good fenfe^ who makes no new 
 *' law, but faithfully declares that law Which 
 *' he knows already written." 
 
 END OF THE SERMON. 
 
 T. SHANDY, V. I. C. 40. 
 
 REMAINBER
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 73 
 
 REMAINDER OF THE 
 
 STORY OF TRI M'S BROTHER. 
 
 A S Tom's place an' pleafe your honour, was 
 eafy — and the weather warm — it put him 
 upon thinking i'erioully of fettling himfelf in the 
 world; and as it fell out about that time, that 
 a Jew who kept a faugage fhop in the fame 
 flreet, had the ill luck to die of a ftrangury, 
 .-•.id leave his widow in pofTeflion of a rouGng 
 trade — Tom tlrought (as every body xwLiJbonvfz^ 
 doing the beft he could divife for himfelf) there 
 could be no harm in oifcring her his fervice t» 
 carry it on: fo without any introduction to the 
 widow, except that of buying a pound of 
 faufages at her fhop — Tom fet out — countino; 
 t!ie matter thus within himfelf, as he walked 
 .ilong; that let the word come of it tlut could, 
 }ie (liould at lead get a pound of faufages for 
 their worth — but, if things went well, he fhould 
 be let up; inafmuch as he fliould get not only 
 a pound of faufages — but a wife — and a fiufage 
 fliop, an' pleafe your honour, into the bcr^ain. 
 
 11 Every
 
 74 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 Every feiTant in the family, from high to low, 
 wilhed Tom fuccefs, and I can fancy, an' pleafe 
 your honour, I fee him this moment with his 
 white dimity waUtcoat and breeches, and hat 
 a little o'one fide, pafling jollily along the ftreet, 
 Twinging his ftick, with a finile and a cheerful 
 word for every body he met. 
 
 But alas! Toml thou fmileft no more, cried 
 the Corporal, looking on one fide of him upon 
 the ground, as if he apoftrophifed liim in his 
 dungeon. 
 
 Poor fellow ! faid my uncle Tohy^ feelingly. 
 
 He was an honeft, liglit-hearted lad, an' pleafe 
 your honour, as ever blood warm'd • — 
 
 Then he refembled thee, Tr/w, faid my uncle 
 Tchy^ rapidly. 
 
 The Corporal blufli'd down to his fingers ends 
 - — a tear of ientimenta! balhfulnefs — another of 
 sratitade to, my uncle T'jiy— and a tear of forrow 
 for his brother's misfortunes, ftarted into his 
 eye, and ran fweetly clown his cheek together; 
 my uncle Tci'y'j kindled as one lamp docis at 
 
 another
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 7.; 
 
 another; and taking hold of the brcaft oi'Triai^s 
 coat (which had been that of Le /VvtrV), as if 
 to eafe his lame leg, but in reality to gratify a 
 finer feeling — he flood lUent for a minute and a 
 half; at the ewd of which he took his hand away, 
 and the Corporal making a boA\', went on with 
 his (lory of his brother and the ye^v's widow. 
 
 When Tom^ an' pleafe your honour, got to 
 the iliop, tliere was nobody in it, but a poor 
 negrt) girl, with a bunch of white feathers (light- 
 ly tied to the end of a long cane, flapping away 
 flics — not killijig them 
 
 'Tis a pretty picture I faid my uncle Toby^ — 
 (he had fulTered perfecution, 7Vr7«, and had learnt 
 mercy 
 
 — She was good, an' pleafe your honour, 
 from natiu-c, as well as from hardlhips; and 
 there are circumllanccs in the flory of that poor 
 fricndlefs (lut, that would melt a heart of ftonc, 
 faid Trimi and fome (lifmal winter's evening, 
 when your honour is in the humour, they (lull 
 be told you with the reft of Tom^s ^^ory, for it 
 makes a part of it 
 
 II a Then
 
 76 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE*. 
 
 Then do not forget, Trimj faid my vincle Toby^ 
 
 A negro has a fotil? an' pleafe your honoiir, 
 iaid the Corporal, (doubtingly). 
 
 1 am not much veffed, Corporal^ qtioth my 
 imcle Toby^ in things of that kin4 i but 1 ftqp- 
 pofe, God would not kav€ him without one, 
 any more than thee or roe. 
 
 It would be putting one fadly over the head 
 of another, quoth the Corporal. 
 
 It would foy faid my uncle Toby. 
 
 Why then, art' pleafe your honour, is a black 
 wench to be ufed worfe than a white one ? 
 
 I can give no reafon, faid my uncle Toby. — 
 
 — Only, cried the Corporal, fhaking his head, 
 becaufe flie has no one to fland up for her — 
 
 'Tis that very thing, Trim^ quoth iny uncle 
 yofcy^——, -which recommends her to protection 
 — and her brethren with her ; 'tis the fortune 
 of war which has put the whip into our hands 
 
 noiv
 
 THE BEAUTIES Of STERNE. 77 
 
 r;f-:- wliere it may be hereafter, heavtu 
 
 knows ! but be it where it will, the brave, 
 
 Triffty will not ufc it unkindly^ 
 
 — God forbid, Taid the Corporal. 
 
 Amen, refponded my uncle Toby^ laying his 
 hand upon his heart. 
 
 The Corporal returned to his ftory, and uxnt 
 
 on iiut with an crabarraflinent in doing 
 
 it, wliich here and there a reader in this world 
 will not be able to comprehend ; for by the 
 many fuddcn tranfitions all along, from one kind 
 and cordial paflion to another, in getting thus far 
 on his way, lie had loft the fportable key of his 
 voice, which gave fenfc and Ipirit to his tale: 
 he attempted twice to refume it, but could not 
 pleafe himfelf; fo giving a ftout hem ! to rally 
 back the retreating fpirits, and aiding nature at 
 the fame time with his left arm a-kimbo on one 
 fide, and with his right a little extended, fup- 
 poned her on the other — tlie Corporal got a;? 
 near the note as lie could ; and in that attitude, 
 continued his ftory. 
 
 As 7ow, an' pleafe your honour, had no l)iifj- 
 ncfs at tliat time with the Moorifli girl, he paffcd 
 
 11 3 ou
 
 78 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 on into the room beyond, t6 talk to the yevj''s 
 widow about love — and being, as I have told 
 your honour, an open, cheary hearted lad, witU 
 his character wrote in his looks and carriage, 
 he took a chair, and without much apology, but 
 with great civility at the fame time, placed it 
 clofe to her at the table, and fat down» 
 
 Now a widow, an' pleafe your honour, al- 
 ways choofeS a fecond hufband as unlike the firft 
 as Ihe can : fo the affair was fettled in her mind- 
 before Tom mentioned it. 
 
 She figned the capitulation — and Tom fealed' 
 it ; and there was aft end of the matter. 
 
 T. SHANDY, V. JV. C. 64. 
 
 THE
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 79 
 
 THE BEGUINE. 
 
 Q O, tliou waft once in lovf, Trim ! iaid my 
 uncle Tcb^L, rmiling— 
 
 Soufe! repKed the Corporal — over head and 
 cars ! an' pleafe your honour. Prithee \vhen? 
 where? — and how came it to paH? — 1 never 
 heard one word of it before, quoth my uncle 
 T'oby: — I dare fay, anfwered Trivi^ that every 
 drummer and ferjeant's fon in, the regiment knew 
 of it — It's high time I (hould — faid my uncle 
 
 Tohy. 
 
 Your honour remembers with concern, faid 
 the Corporal, the total rout and confufion of our 
 camp, and the army, at the affair of Landeu ; 
 every one was left to fliift for liimfelf; and if it 
 had not been for the regiments of WyndJiam, 
 Lumley^ and Galway^ which covered the retreat 
 over the bridge of Neerfpeekcn^ the King him- 
 fclf could fcarcc have gained it — he was prefled 
 hard, as your hono'or knows, on every lide »)t 
 liim     
 
 Gallant
 
 8o THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 Gallant mortal! cried my uncle Toby^ cauglit 
 up with enthufiarm — this moment, now that all 
 is loft, I fee him galloping acrofs me. Corporal, 
 to the left, to bring up the remains of the Englifii 
 liorfe along with him to fupport the right, and 
 tear the laurel from Luxembourg's brows, if yet 
 'tis poflible — I fee him with the knot of his 
 fcarf jiift fhot oif, infufmg freili fpirits into 
 poor Galzuay^s regiment — riding along tlie line 
 ^-^then wheeling about, and charging Conti at 
 the head of it — Brave ! brave, by heaven ! cried 
 my uncle Toby^ he deferves a crown — as richly, 
 as a thief a halter ; fliouted Trim. 
 
   My uncle Toby knew the Corporal's loyalty ; 
 . — otherwife the comparifon was not at all to his 
 mind — it did not altogether flrike the Corporal's 
 fancy when he had made it — but it could not be 
 recalled — fo he had nothing to do, but proceed. 
 
 As the number of wounded was prodigious, 
 and no one had time to think of any thing, but 
 his own fiifety — Though Talmafli.^ faid my uncle 
 Tohy^ brought off the foot with great prudence — 
 but I was left upon the field, faid the Corporal. 
 Thou waft fo ; poor fellov/ ! replied my uncle 
 Toby — fo that it was noon the next day, con- 
 tinued the Corporal, before 1 was exchanged, 
 
 and
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STETxNE. St 
 
 and put into a cart >vith thirteen or four- 
 teen more, in order to be conveyed to our 
 hofpital. — The ungiiilh of my knee, continued 
 the Corporal, waa excefiive in itielf ; and the uii- 
 eafinefs of the cart, with the roughnel's of tlie 
 roads which were terribly cut up — making bad 
 ftill worfe — every flep was death to me : fo that 
 with the lofs of blood, and the want of care 
 taking of me, and a fever I felt coming on be- 
 fides — (Poor foul ! faid my uncle Tohy^ all to- 
 gether, an' pleafe yoiir honour, was more than I 
 could fulbiin. 
 
 I was telling my fufFerlngs to a young woman 
 at a peafant's houfe, where our cart, which was 
 the lalt of tlie line, had halted, they had helped 
 me hi, and the young woman had taken a cordial 
 out of her pocket and dropp'd it upon fome 
 i'ugar, and feeing it had cheer'd me, fhe had 
 
 given it me a fecond and a third time So I 
 
 was telling her, an' pleafe your honour, the 
 anguifli I was in, and was faying it was fo in- 
 tolerable to me, that I liad much ratlier lie dow n 
 upon the bed, turning my face tov/ards one 
 which was in the corner of the room — and die, 
 than go on — wh6n, upon her attempting to lead 
 me to it, I fainted away in her arms. She was 
 
 a good
 
 «a THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE»_ 
 
 a ^ood foul! as your honour, faid the Coporal, 
 wiping his eyes, will hear. 
 
 I thought love had been a joyous thing, quoth 
 my uncle Toby. 
 
 'Tis the moft ferious thing, an' pleafe your 
 honour (fometimes), that is in the world. 
 
 By the perfuafion of the young woman, con- 
 tinued the Corporal, the cart with tlie wounded 
 men fet off v/ithout me : fhe had allured them I 
 fnould expire immediately if I was put into the 
 cart. So when I cam.e to myfelf — I found my- 
 felf in a flili quiet cottage, with no one but the 
 yottng woman, and the peafant and his wife. I 
 was laid acrofs the bed in the corner of the room, 
 with my wounded leg upon a chair, and the 
 young woman befide me, holding the corner of 
 her handkerchief dipp'd in vhiegar to my nofe 
 with o]ie hand, and rubbing my temples with 
 the other. 
 
 I took her st firrt; for the daughter of the 
 peafant ; (for it was no inn) — fo had offered her 
 a little purfe with eighteen florins, which my 
 poor bi'other Tcm (here Trim wip'd his eyes) 
 
 had
 
 Tnn BEAUTIES OF STERNF. 83 
 
 had fent me as a token, by a recruit, juft before 
 he (f.i out for U/bori 
 
 The yoong woman called the old man and 
 his Avife into the room, to fliew them the money, 
 in order to gain me credit for a bed and what 
 little neccfl'aries I fiiould want, till I fliould be in 
 
 a condition to be got to the hofpital Come 
 
 then I faid ilie, tying up the little jiurfe, — I'll be 
 your banker — but as that office alone will not 
 keep rae employ 'd, I'll be your nurfe too. 
 
 I thought by her manner of fpeaking this, Ss 
 well as by her drefs, which 1 then began to con- 
 fider more attentively — that the young woman 
 could not be the daughter of the peal'ant. She 
 was in black down to her toes, with her hair 
 concealed under a cambrick border, laid clofe 
 to lier forehead: (he was one of thofe kind of 
 Nuns, an' pleale your lionour, of which your 
 honoiu- knows, there are a good many in 
 Munders^ which they let go loofe — By thy dcf- 
 cription, Trim^ faid my uncle Totv, I dare fay Hie 
 •w?.s a young DegiUne^ of which there are none 
 to be found any where but in the Simnifli Nether' 
 lmidi-'-^\ctY>t at AmjUrdavt — they differ from 
 Nuns in this, that tlicy can quit tbiir cloiAcr if 
 
 they
 
 S4 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 they choofe to marry; they vKit and take care 
 of the Tick by profeffion — I had rather, for my 
 own part, they did it out of good-nature. 
 
 The young; Begiiine^ continued the Corporal, 
 had fcarce given lierielf time to tell me '' flie 
 would be my nurfe," when fhe haftily turned 
 about to begin the office of one, and prepare 
 fomething for me — and in a fliort time — though 
 I thought it a lona: one — ilie came back v/ith 
 flannels, &c. &c. and having fomented my knee 
 foundly for a couple of hours, and made me a 
 thin bafon of gruel for my fupper — flie wiih'd 
 me reft, and promifed to be with me early in the 
 
 morning. She wifli'd me, an' pleafe your 
 
 honour, what was not to be had. My fever ran 
 very high that night — her figure made fad dif- 
 turbance within me — I was every moment cut- 
 ting the world in two — to give her half of k — i 
 and every moment was I crying, that I had 
 nothing but a knapfack and eighteen florins to 
 
 fhare with her The whole night long was 
 
 the {z\r Beguine^ like an angel, dole by my bed 
 fide, holding back my curtain and offering me 
 cordials — and I was only awakened from my 
 dream by her coming there at the hour promifed 
 and giving them in reality. In truth, fhe was 
 
 fcarce
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 8j 
 
 fcarce ever from me^ and fo acculloiued was I to 
 leccive life from her hands, that my heart 
 lickened, and I loft colour when flie left the 
 
 room. Love, an"* pleafe your honour, is cx- 
 
 a^^ly like war, in this; that a foldier, though 
 he has efcaped thr2e weeks complete o' Saturday- 
 night — may ncverthclefs be fliot tlirough his 
 heart on Sunday morning — it happened fo here, 
 an' pleaie your honour, with this difference 
 only-^that it was on Sunday in the afternoon, 
 when I fell in love all at once with a filTcrara— 
 it burft upon me, an' pleafe your honour, like a 
 bomb — fcarce giving me time to fay, *■*■ God 
 blefs me." 
 
 I thought Trimy faid my uncle Toby^ a man 
 never fell in love fo very fuddenly. 
 
 Yes an' pleafe your honour, if he is in the 
 way of it — replied Trim. 
 
 I prithee, quotli my uncle Toby^ inform mc 
 liow this matter happened. 
 
 — With all pleafurc, faid the Corporal, 
 making a bow. I had efcaped, continued the 
 Corporal, all that time from falling in love, and 
 
 1 liad
 
 86 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 had gone on to the end of the chapter, had it 
 not been predefined otherwife — there is no re- 
 filling our fate. It was on a Sunday, in the 
 afternoon, as I told your honour. The old man 
 and his wife had walked out — Every thing was 
 fiil] and hufli as midnight about the houfe — 
 
 There was not fo much as a duck or a duck- 
 ling about the yard ; when the fair Begiiine 
 came in to fee me- 
 
 My wound was then in a fair way of doing 
 Avell — the inflammation had been gone off for 
 feme time, but it was fucceeded witli an itching 
 both above and below my knee, fo infuiferable, 
 that I had not Ihut my eyes the wliole night for 
 it. Let me fee it, faid flie, kneeling down upon 
 the ground parallel to my knee, and laying her 
 hand upon the part below it — it only wants rub- 
 bing a little, faid the Begidne', fo covering it 
 with the bed cloaths, flie began with the fore- 
 finger of her right-hand to rub under my knee, 
 . guiding her fore-iinger backwards and forwards 
 by the edge of the flannel, which kept on tlie 
 drefling. 
 
 Ir five or fix minutes I felt fliglitly the end 
 of her fecond finger — and prefently it was laid 
 
 flat
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 87 
 
 flat wirh the other, and ilie continued rubbing 
 in that way round and round for a good while; 
 it then canrxe into my heaa, that I iliould fall in 
 love — I blulhed when I faw how white a hand 
 fhe had — I fliall never, an' pleafe your honour, 
 behold another hand fo white whilil 1 live. — 
 
 The young Beguine^ continued the Corporal, 
 perceiving it v/as of great fervice to me — from 
 rubbing, for Tome time, with two fingers- 
 proceeded to rub at length with three — till by 
 little and little fhe brought down the fourth, 
 and then rubbed with her whole hand: I will 
 never fay another word, an' pleafe your honour, 
 upon hands again — but is was fofter than fatin. — 
 
 Prithee, Trim, commend it as much as thou 
 wilt, faid my uncle Toby ; I Ihall hear thy ftory 
 with the more delight — The Corporal thanked 
 his mafter raofl unfeignedly ; but having nothing 
 to fay upon the Beguine's hand but the fame 
 over again — he proceeded to the elFecls of it. 
 
 The fair Beguine^ faid the Corporal, con- 
 tinued nibbing with her whole hand under my 
 knee, — till 1 feared her zeal would weary her — 
 ** I would do a thoufand times more," faid flie, 
 
 1 2 " for
 
 88 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 " for the love of Chrifl:." As fhe continued 
 rubbing — I felt it fpiead from under her hand, 
 an' pleafe your honour, to every part of my 
 frame.   
 
 The more fhe rubbed, and the longer flrokes 
 file took — the more the fire kindled in my veins 
 — till at length, by two or three ftrokes longer 
 than the reft — my pafTion rofe to the higheft 
 pitch — I feized her hand — And then thou clap- 
 ped 'ft it to thy lips, Trim^ faid my uncle Tobyy 
 — and madeft a fpeech,. 
 
 Whether the Corporal's amour terminated 
 preeifely in the way my uncle Toby defcribed it, 
 is not material; it is enough that it contained 
 in it the efltnce of all tlie love-romaiicts wliich 
 ever have been wrote lince the beginning of the 
 world. 
 
 T. SHANDY, VOL. 4, CHAP. 4j. 
 
 AI AKl A.
 
 THt: BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 89 
 
 IM A R I A. 
 
 nrilEY were the fweeteft notes I ever 
 heard ; and I inftantly let down the 
 fore-glafs to hear them more difl:in(5lly — 'Tis 
 jMaria ; faid the poltillion, obferving 1 . was 
 liilening— Poor Jdaria, continued he, (leaning 
 his body on one fide to let me fee her, for he 
 >vas in a line betwixt us), is fitting upon a bank 
 fxlaying her vefpers upon her pipe, with her little 
 goat belide her. 
 
 The young fellow utter'd this with an accent 
 and a look fo perfectly m tune to a feeling heart, 
 that I inftantly made a vow, I would give him 
 a four-and-twenty fous piece, when 1 got to 
 jlJoulines. 
 
 And who is poor IVIaria ? faid I. 
 
 The love and pity of all tlie villages around 
 us ; faid the poftillion — it is but tliree years ago, 
 that the fun did not fjjine upon fo fair, fo quitk- 
 T/iitcd and ami«iblc a maid ; ajid better l«te 
 
 1 3 did
 
 90 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 did Jllaria deferve, than to liavs her Banns for- 
 bid by the intrigues of the curate of the parifa 
 who publifhed them 
 
 He was going on, when JMaria^ who had 
 /nade a fliort paufe, put the pipe to her mouth, 
 and' began the air again — they were the fame 
 notes ; — yet were ten times fweeter ; It is the 
 evening fervice to the Virgin, faid the young 
 man — but who has taught her to play it— 
 or how llie came by her pipe, no one knows ; 
 we think that heaven has afliiled her in both ; 
 for ever fmce flie has been unfettled in her 
 mind, it feems her only confolation — fhe haS 
 never once had the pipe out of her hand, but 
 plays that fervice upon it almoft night and day. 
 
 The poftillion delivered this with fo much dif- 
 ctetion and natural eloquence, that I could not 
 help decyphering fomething in his face above his 
 coridition, and fliould have fifted out his hiflory, 
 had not poor Maria'i taken fuch full poflfeflion 
 of me. 
 
 We had got up by this time almofl to the 
 bank where 3Jaria was fitting ; fhe was in a 
 thin white jacket, with her hair^ all but two 
 
 treiTes,
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE, 91 
 
 rrefles, drawn up into a filk ncr, with a few 
 olive Itaves twilled a little fantartically on one 
 fide — Ihe was beautiful ; and it' ever 1 felt the 
 full force of an lionell licart-aclic, it was the 
 moment I faw her 
 
 -God help her I poor damfel I above a 
 
 liundred malTes, faid the poftillion, have been 
 laid in the feveral parilli churches and convents 
 around, for her, — but without effeift ; we have 
 ftill hopes, as fhe is fenfible for fhort interv'als, 
 that the Vu-gin at laft will reftore her to herfelf ; 
 but her parents who know her beft, are hopelefs 
 upon that fcore, and think her fenfes are loft; 
 for ever. 
 
 As the poftillion fpoke this, Maria made a 
 ctdence fo melancholy, ib tender and querulous, 
 that 1 fpning out of the chaife to help her, and 
 found myfelf fitting betwixt her and her goat 
 before 1 relapfcd from my enthufiafm. 
 
 Alaria look'd wiftfully for fome time at me, and 
 then at her goat — and then at me— and then at 
 her goat again, and fo on, alternately 
 
 — Well, Maria, faid I, foftly— What rcfcm- 
 blancc do you find i 
 
 Ido
 
 92 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 I do entreat the candid reader to believe me, 
 that it was from the humbleft convidion of what 
 a Beajl man is, — that I alk'd the queftion ; and 
 that I would not have let fallen an imfeafonabk 
 pleafantry in the venerable prefence of Mifery, to 
 be entitled to all the wit that ever Rabelais fcat- 
 tered — and yet I own my heai-t fmote me, and 
 that I fo fmarted at the very idea of it, that I 
 fvvore I would fet up for wifdom, and utter 
 grave fentences the reft of my days — and never 
 
 never attempt again to commit mirth with 
 
 man, woman, or child, the longelt day 1 bad 
 to live. 
 
 As for writing nonfenfe to them — I believe, 
 there was a referve — but that 1 leave to the 
 world. 
 
 Adieu, Maria I — adieu, poor haplefs damfel ! 
 fome time, but not wow, I may hear thy Ibr- 
 rows from thy own lips — but I was deceived ; 
 for that moment fhe took her pipe and told me 
 fuch a tale of woe with it, that 1 rofe up, and 
 with broken and irregular fteps v/alk'd foftly to 
 my chaife, 
 
 T. SHANDY, VOL. IV. C. 83. 
 
 MARIA,
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 93- 
 
 ]\I ARIA. 
 
 MOU LINES, 
 
 T NnVER felt what the diftrefs of plenty >Ta8 
 in any one fliape till now — to travel it 
 through the Bourbonnoiiy the fweetert part of 
 France — in the hey-day of tlie vintage, when 
 Nature is pouring her abundance into every one's 
 
 lap, and every eye is lifted up a journey 
 
 through each ftep of which mufic beats time to 
 Labour^ and all her children are rejoicing as they 
 carry in their clufters   to pafs through 
 tliis with my aifections flying out, and kindling 
 at every group beftire inc — and every one ol 
 them was pregnant with adventures. 
 
 JuA heaven I— ——it would fill up twenty 
 
 volumes and alas I I have but a few fraall 
 
 pages left of this to crowd it into — and half of 
 iliefc mull be taken up with the poor Alaria my 
 f>iend IVIr. Shaudy met with near AUrtlines. 
 
 The ftory he had told of that difordcred maid 
 jjRcied me not a little in the reading; but when
 
 94 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 I got within the neighbourhood where flie lived, 
 it returned fo ftrong into my mind, that I could 
 not refifl an impulfe which prompted me to go 
 half a league out of the road, to the village where 
 her parents dwelt, to enquire after her. 
 
 'Tis going, I own, like the knight of the Woe- 
 ful Countenance, in queft of melancholy adven- 
 tures — but I know not how it is, but I am never 
 fo perfeiSlly confcious of the exiftence of a foul 
 within me, as when I am entangled in them. 
 
 The old mother came to the door, her looks 
 told me the ftory before flie opened her mouth 
 »— She had loft her hulband : he had died, fhe 
 faid, of anguifh, for the lofs of Maria's fenfes, 
 about a month before — She had feared at firft, 
 flie added, that it would have plundered her 
 poor girl of what little underflanding was left— - 
 but, on the contrary, it had brought her moi*e to 
 
 herfelf flill fhe could not reft — her poor 
 
 daughter, fhe faid, crying, was wandering 
 fomewhere about the road — 
 
 —Why does my pulfe beat languid as I write 
 this ? and what made La Fleiir^ whofe heart 
 
 feemed
 
 TH1-: BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 95 
 
 deemed only to be tun'd to joy, to pafs the back 
 ot his hand twice acrofs his eyes, as the woman 
 ftood and told it ? I beckoned to the poitillion 
 to tiirn back into the road. 
 
 When we had got within half a league of 
 .Vi/ /<//;. f/, at a little opening in the road leading 
 to a thicket, I difcovered poor Maria fitting un- 
 der a poplar— flie was fitting with lier elbow in 
 J:er lap, and her liead leaning on one fide within 
 her hand — a I'mall brook ran at the foot of the 
 tree, 
 
 I bid the poft:illion go on with the chaife to 
 .Moulints — and La Fltur to befpeak my fiipper 
 — and tliat 1 would walli after him. 
 
 She was drcfled in wliite, and much as my 
 friend defcribed her, except tliat her hair hung 
 loole, which before was twifted within a filk-net. 
 — Slie had, fupcraddcd likewife to her jacket, 
 a pale green riband, which full acrofs her (liouldcr 
 to tlic waiit ; at the end of wliich hung her 
 pipe.— Her g oat had been as faithkfs as her 
 lover; and flic had got a little dog in liiu of 
 bim, which flie had kept tied by a firing to her 
 girdle ; a» 1 looked at her dog, flic drew him tt)- 
 
 wards
 
 9^ THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 wards her with the firing — " Thou (halt not 
 *' leave me, Sylvio^''^ faid flie. I looked in 
 Maria'^s eyes, and faw flie was thinking more 
 of her father than of her lover or her little 
 goat ; for as fhe uttered them the tears trickled 
 down her cheeks. 
 
 I fat down clofe by her ; and xMaria let me 
 wipe them away as they fell, with my handker- 
 chief. — I then fteep'd it in my own — and then in 
 hers — and then in mine — and then I M'ip'd hers 
 again — and as I did it, I felt fuch undefcribable 
 emotions within me, as I am fure could not be 
 accounted for from any combinations of matter 
 and motion. 
 
 I am pofitive I have a foul ; nor can all the 
 books with which materialifls have peftcred the 
 world ever convince me to the contrary. 
 
 When Alaria had come a little to herfelf, I 
 afeed her if ilie remembered a pale thin perfon 
 of a man who had fat down betwixt her and 
 her goat about two years before ? She faid, flie 
 was unfettled much at that time, but remem- 
 bered it upon two accounts — that ill as flie M'as, 
 ■flie faw the peribn pitied her ; and next, that 
 
 her
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 9V 
 
 her goat had ftolen his handkcrcliief, and flie 
 had beat him for the tlicft — (he had walli'd it, 
 fhe faid, in the brook, and kept it ever fmce in 
 her pocket to reftore it to him in cafe Are /hould 
 ever fee him again, wliich, (he added, l;e liad 
 half promifcd her. As Jhe told me this, ilie 
 took the handkerchief out of lier pocket to let 
 me fee it ; (he had folded it up neatly in a 
 couple of vine leaves, tied round with a tendril 
 
 on opening it, I faw an S niark'd in one 
 
 of the comers. 
 
 She had fince that, flie told me, ftray'd as 
 f.ir as Rome^ and walk'd round St. Peter''s once- 
 — and return 'd back — that {he found her way 
 alone acrofs the Apennines — had travcll'd over 
 all Lombardy without money — ind through the 
 firnty roads of Savoy without fhoes — how flie 
 had borne it, and liow flie had got fupportcd, 
 fhe could not tell — —but Qod tempers the uindy 
 l.iid I\Iaria^ to the fliorn lamb. 
 
 Shorn indeed ! and to the qnick, faid 1 ; and 
 waft thou in my own land, where I have a cot- 
 tage, I would take thee to it and fhcltcr thee : 
 thou fliouldft eat of my own bread, and drink 
 of my own cup — I would be kind to thy Sylvio 
 ——in all thy wcaknefTcs and uanderings I 
 
 K would
 
 9'S THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 woiold feek after thee and brino; thee back— 
 when the fun went down I would fay my prayers; 
 and when I had done thou {liouldft play thy even- 
 ing fong upon thy pipe, nor would the incenfe 
 of my facrifice be worfe accepted for entering 
 heaven along with that of a broken heart. 
 
 Nature melted within me, as I utter'd this ; 
 and Maria obferving, as I took out my handker- 
 chief, that it was fteep'd too much already to 
 be of ufe, would needs go wafii it in the ftream 
 —and where will you dry it, Maria ? faid 1^ — 
 
 I will dry it in my bofom, faid fhe 'twill 
 
 do me good. 
 
 I. • And is your heart flill fo warm, Maria? faid I. 
 
 I touch'd upon the firing on which hung all 
 her forrows — fiie look'd with wiilfiil diforder 
 for fometime in my face ; and then, without 
 faying any thing, took her pipe, and play'd 
 her fervice to the Virgin — The firing I had 
 touch'd ceafed to vibrate — in a moment or two 
 Maria returned to herfelf — let her pipe fall— - 
 and rofe up. 
 
 And where are you going, Maria? faid I. — 
 She faid, to Mouliiies. — Let us go, faid I, toge- 
 ther. —
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 99 
 
 rlv.T. — JIaria put her arm within mine, and 
 kngtheiiing the firing, to let the dog follow — 
 in that order we entered Jloulincs. 
 
 Though I hate falutations and greetings in 
 the market-place, yet when we got into the 
 middle of this, I rtopp'd to take my laft look 
 and lafl farewell of 3Iaria. 
 
 J\l:iri.i^ though not tall, was neverthelefs of 
 
 the rird order of fine forms affliction had 
 
 touch'd her looks with fomething that was fcarce 
 
 earthly ftill flie was feminine and fo 
 
 much was there about her of all that the heart 
 wifhes, or the eye looks for in woman, that 
 could the traces be ever worn out of her brain, 
 and tliofe of Eliza's out of mine, fixe fhould not 
 only eat vfrny bread and drink of my own cup^ but 
 Maria fhould lie in my bofom, and be unto me 
 as a daughter. 
 
 Adieu, poor lucklefs maiden I imbibe the 
 
 oil and wine which the conipailion of a flrangcr, 
 as he journeycth on his way, now pours into thy 
 wounds — the Being who has twice bruifed the^ 
 can only bind thein up for ever. 
 
 SENT. JOURNEV, PACE 2 I 7. 
 
 K z SENSIBLLITY
 
 loo THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 SENSIBILITY. 
 
 . T^EAR Senfibility! fovu-ce inexhaufted 
 
 of all that's precious in our joys^ 
 or ccftly in our forrows ! thou chaineft thy 
 martyr down upon his bed of ftraw — and 'tis 
 thou who lifts him up to heaven — eternal 
 fountain of our feelings ! 'tis here I trace thee 
 — and this is thy " divinity which Jlirs within mt^* 
 — not, that in fome fad and fxckening moments^ 
 " my foul Jhrinks back upon her f elf ^ and fartlesr 
 " at deJlruiHon" — mere pomp of words ! — but 
 that I feel fome generous joys and generous. 
 
 cares beyond myfelf all comes from thee,. 
 
 great — great sensorium of .the world ! which 
 vibrates, if a hair of our heads but falls upon 
 the ground, in the remoteft defert of thy crea- 
 tion. — Touch'd with thee, Eugenius draws my 
 curtain when 1 languifli—— hears my tale of 
 fymptoms, and blames the weatiier for the dif- 
 order of his nerves. Thou giv'ft a portion of 
 it fometim.es t?o the jrougheft peafant who tra- 
 verfes the bleakeft mountains — he finds the la- 
 cerated lamb of anotlier's flock — This moment 
 
 I beheld
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. loi 
 
 I beheld him fcaning with his head againft his 
 crook, with piteous inclination looking down 
 upon it I — Oh ! had I come one moment foonerl 
 — it bleeds to death — his gentle heart bleeds 
 with it 
 
 Peace to thee, generous fwain I — I fee thou 
 walkeft ofF with anguifli — but thy joys fhall ba- 
 lance it — for happy is thy cottage — and happy 
 is fhe Ih.orer of it — and happy are the lambs 
 which fport about you. 
 
 SENT. JOURNEY, P. 226. 
 
 THE SUPPER. 
 
 A SHOE coming loofe from the fore-foot of 
 the thill-horfe, at the beginning of the 
 afcent of mount Tattrira^ the poflillion dif- 
 mountcd, twifled the flioe off, and put it in his 
 pocket ; as the afcent was of five or fix miles, 
 and that horfe our main dependence, I made a 
 point of having the flioe faften'd on again, as 
 well as we could; but the poftillion had thrown 
 away the nails, and the hammer in the chaife- 
 
 K- 3 box
 
 .162 THE BtAUTlES OF STERNE, 
 
 box, being of no great ufe witliout them, I fuvb- 
 mitted to go on. 
 
 He had not mounted half a mile higher, when- 
 coming t9 a flinty piece of road, the poor devil 
 loft a fecond fiioe, and from off his other fore- 
 foot ; i then got ont of the chaife in good ear- 
 ntrt ; and feeing a hovife about a quarter of a 
 mile to the left-hand, with a great deal to do, 
 I prevailed upon the poftillion to turn up to it. 
 The look of the houfe, and of every thing about 
 it, as we drew nearer, loon reconciled me to 
 the difaflcr.— Itwas a little farm-houfe furround- 
 ed with about twenty acres of vineyard, about 
 as much corn-— -and clofe to the houfe, on one 
 fide, was a potagerie of an acre and a half full 
 of every tiling which could make plenty in a 
 French peafant's houfc — and on the other fide 
 was a little wood which furniflied W'herewithal 
 to drefs it. It was about eight in the evening/ 
 •when I got to the houfc — fo I left the poftillion 
 to manage his point as he could— -and for minty 
 I walk'd dire&ly into the houfe. 
 
 The family confiflcd of an old grey-headed 
 mail and his wife, with live or fix fons and fons- 
 in-law and their feveral wiveSj and a joyous ge- 
 nealogy cut of them. 
 
 They
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 103 
 
 Tliey were all fitting down together to their 
 lentil-foiip ; a large wheaten loaf was in the 
 mid Jle of the table ; and a flaggon of wine at 
 each end of it promifed joy thro' the ftages of 
 the repaft — 'twas a feafl of love. 
 
 The old man rofe up to meet me, and with a 
 refpe<5tful cordiality would have me fit do^vn at 
 the table ; my heart was fet down the moment 
 I entered the room ; fo I fat down at once like 
 a fon of the family ; and to invert myfelf in tlie 
 character as fpeedily as I could, I inllantly bor- 
 rowed the old man's knife, and taking up the 
 loaf, cut myfelf a hearty luncheon; and as I did 
 it, I faw a teftimony in every eye, not only of an 
 honeft welcome, but of a welcon)C mix'd with 
 thanks that I had not feem'd to doubt it. 
 
 Was it this ; or tell me. Nature, what elfe it 
 was that made this morfel fo fweet — and to 
 what magic I owe it, that the draught I took 
 of their flaggon was fo delicious with it, that 
 they remain upon my pabtc to this hoiur i 
 
 If the fupper was to my tafte — the grace 
 which followed it was much more fo. 
 
 THE
 
 104 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 THE GRACE. 
 
 TTyHEN fuppcr m as over, the old man gave 
 a knock upon the table with the haft of 
 his knife, to bid them prepare for the dance : 
 the moment the fignalwas given, the women and 
 girls ran all together into the back apartment 
 to tie up their hair — and the young men to the 
 door to waih their faces, and change their 
 fabots ; and in tliree minutes every foul was 
 ready upon a little efplanade before the houfe 
 to begin — The old man and his wife came out 
 laft, and placing me betwixt them^ fat dowa 
 upon a fopha of turf by the door. 
 
 The old man had fome fifty years ago been 
 no mean performer upon the vielle — and, at the 
 age he was then of, touched it well enough for 
 the purpofe. His wife fung now-and-then a little 
 to the tune — then intermitted — and joined her 
 old man again, as their children and grand-chil- 
 dren danced before them. 
 
 It was not till the middle of the fecond dance, 
 ■vt lien for fome paufes in the movement where-
 
 THE BEAUrms or STERNE. joj 
 
 in they all feem'd to look up, I fancied I could 
 diilingmih an elevation of fpirit different from 
 that which is the caufe or the effeeT; of fimple 
 jollity. — In a word, I thought I beheld Religion 
 mixing in the dance — but as I had never ken 
 her lb engaged, I ihould have look'd upon it 
 now as one of the illufions of an imagination 
 which is eternally milleading me, had not the 
 old niaa, as foon as the dance ended, faid, that 
 tills was their conftant way ; and tliat all liis 
 life long he made it a rule, after fuppcr was 
 over, to call out his family to dance and rejoice > 
 believing, he faid, that a cheerful and contented 
 mind was the beft fort of thanks to heaven that 
 an illiterate peafant could pay— — • 
 
 — Or a learned prelate either, faid I. 
 
 &EKT. JOURNEY, P. ZIJ . 
 
 COTTAGE
 
 io6 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 COTTAGE HAPPINESS. 
 
 "VTATURE ! in the midft of thy diforders, 
 thou art ftill friendly to the fcantinefs thou 
 haft created — with all thy great works about 
 thee, little haft thou left to give, either to the 
 fcythe or to the fickle — but to that little thou 
 granteft fafety and proteiRion ; and fweet are 
 the dwellings which fland lb fhelter'd. 
 
 SENT. JOURNEY, P. 233, 
 
 ILLUSION. 
 
 CWEET pliability of man's fpirit, that can at 
 
 once furrender itfelf to illufions, which 
 
 cheat expeclation and forrow of their weary 
 
 moments! Long long fince had ye num- 
 
 ber'd out my days, had I not trod fo great a 
 part of them upon this enchanted ground ; when 
 my way is too rough for my feet, or too fteep 
 for my ftrength, I gtt off it, to fome fmootli 
 
 velvet
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 107 
 
 velvet path which fancy has Icattcred over with 
 role-buds of delights ; and having taken a few 
 turns in it, come back ftrengtlien'd and refrelh'd 
 -^When evils prefs fore upon me, and there is 
 no retreat from them in this world, then I take 
 
 a new courfe 1 leave it and as I have a 
 
 clearer idea of the Elyjlan fields than I have of 
 lieaven, 1 force myfelf, like JEncas^ into them 
 — I fee him meet the penfive Ihade of his for- 
 faken Dido — and wifli to recognize it — 1 fee the 
 injured fpirit wave her head, and turn offfilcnr 
 from the author of her miferies and diflionours 
 —I lofe the feelings for myfelf in her's — and in 
 thofe affections which were wont to make me 
 mourn for her when I was at fchool. 
 
 Surely this is not walking in a vain fliadcw^— 
 7ior does man difqtiiet himj'elf in vain hy it — he 
 oftcuer does fo in tnifting the ifllie of his com- 
 motions to reafon only — 1 can fafely fay for 
 myfelf, 1 was never able to conquer any one 
 (ingle bad fenfation in my heart fo decifively, as 
 by beating up as fa(t as I could for fome kindly 
 and gentle ftni'alion to fight it upon its owa 
 ground. 
 
 SENT. JOLRNEY, P. l6j. 
 
 LE
 
 io8 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE* 
 
 L E D I M A N C H E, 
 
 T T was Sunday ; and w hen La Fkur came 
 in the morning, with my coffee and roll 
 and butter, he had got himfelf fo gallantly ar- 
 ray'dj I fcarce knew him. 
 
 I had covenanted at Mofitriid to give him a 
 new hat with a filver button and loop, and four 
 Louis d'ors pour s^adoiiijer, when we got to 
 Paris ; and the poor fellow, to do him juftice, 
 had done wonders with it. 
 
 He had bought a bright, clean, good fcarlet 
 coat, and a pair of breeches of the fame — ; — 
 They were not a crown worfe, lie faid, for the 
 
 wearing 1 wifii'd him hang'd for telling me 
 
 They look'd fo frefli, that though I knew 
 
 the thing could not be done, yet I would rather 
 have impofed upon my fancy with thinking I 
 had bought them new for the fellow, than that 
 they had come out of the Rue de Friperie. 
 
 This is a nicety which makes not the lieart 
 fore at Paris. He
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 109 
 
 He had purchafed moreover a handfome blue 
 fattin waiftcoat, fancifully enough embroidered 
 
 this was indeed fomcthing theworfe for the 
 
 fervice it had done, but 't was clean fcour'd — 
 the gold had been touch'd up, and upon the 
 
 whole was rather fliowy than other%vife and 
 
 as the blue was not violent, it fuited with the 
 coat and breeches very well : he had fqueez'd 
 out of the money, moreover, a new bag and a 
 folitaire; and had infilled with the Fripier^ upon 
 a gold pair of garters to his breeches knees 
 He had purchafed muflin ruffles, bien brodces^ 
 
 with four livres of his own money, and a 
 
 pair of white filk ftockings for five more 
 
 and, to top all, nature had given him a hand' 
 fome figiu'e, without colling him a'fous. 
 
 He entered the room thus fet oft', with his 
 hair dreft in the firil (lile, and with a hand- 
 fome bouquet in his brcafl in a word, there 
 
 was that look of feflivity in every thing about 
 him, which at once put me in mind it was Sun- 
 day and by combining both together, it 
 
 inflantly flruck me, that the favour he wiflrd 
 to a(k of me the night before,' was to fpend tlie 
 day as every body in Parii fpent it bcfulcs. 
 1 had fcarce made the tonjcctwe, when J.a 
 
 L FU'u r.
 
 J lo THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 FleuYy with infinite humility, but with a look 
 of truft, as if I fliould not refufe him, begg'd 
 I would grant him the day, pour fair e le galattt 
 'vU-^'Vis de fa maitrejfe. 
 
 Now it was the very thing I intended to do 
 
 myfelf 'vis-a-vis Madame de R**** 1 had 
 
 retained the remife on purpofe for it, and it 
 would not have mmtified my vanity to have 
 had a fervant fo well dreff'd as La Fletir was, to 
 have got up behind it: I never could have worfe 
 fpared him. 
 
 But we mull feel^ not ai^ue in thefe embar- 
 ralTments — —-the fons and daughters of fervice 
 part with liberty, but not with Nature, in their 
 contrafts ; they are fiefh and blood, and have 
 their little vanities and wiflies in the midft of 
 the houfe of bondage, as \vt\\ as their tall<.maf- 
 
 ters- no doubt, tliey have fet their fclf-de- 
 
 jiials at a price and their expectations are 
 
 fo iinreafonable, that I would often difappoint 
 them, but that their condition puts it fo much 
 in my power to do it. 
 
 Behold ! — Behold^ I am thy fervant-^6li^.Yvas 
 
 me at once of the powers of a mafler. 
 
 Thou
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. lu 
   "w Thou (bait go, La Fleur ! faid I. 
 
   And what miflrefs, La Flcuy^ faid I, 
 rtjift thou have pick'd up in fo little a time at 
 Paris ? La Fleur laid his hand upon his brcaft, 
 and faid 'twas a petite Demvifelle at IMonficur 
 Le Count dc B^**'*''j^La Fleur had a heart made 
 for fociety ; and, to fpeak the tnith of him, let 
 as few occafions flip him as his mafter — fo that 
 feme how or other ; — but how — hea\'en knows 
 — he had conne>5led himfelf with the demoifelle 
 upon the landing of the ftair-cafe, during the 
 time I was taken up with my pafTport ; and as 
 there was time enough for me to win the Count 
 to my intereft, La Fleur had contrived to make 
 it do to win the maid to his. — The family, it 
 feems, was to be at Paris that day, and he had 
 made a parry with her, and two or three more 
 of the Count'' J houfehold, upon the boulevard^, 
 
 Happy people 1 that once a week at leaft arc 
 fure to lay down all your cares together, and 
 dance and fing, and fport away the weights of 
 grievance, which bow down tlie fpirit of otlier 
 nations to the earth. 
 
 srsT. joL'HN. V, 190. 
 L 2 T JI K
 
 U2 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE; 
 
 THE MONK. 
 
 CALAIS. 
 
 A POOR monk of the order of St. Francis 
 :; came into the room to beg fomcthing for 
 his Convent. No man cares to have his virtues 
 the fport of contingencies — or one man may be 
 generous as another man is puiffant — fed non^ 
 quo ad hanc — or be it as it may — for there is no 
 regular reafoning upon the ebbs and flows of our 
 humours ; they may depend upon the fame 
 caufes, for auglit 1 know, which influence the 
 tides therafelves — 'twould oft be no difcredit to 
 us, to fuppofe it was fo : I'm fure at lead for 
 myfelf, that in many a cafe I fliould be more 
 highly fatisfied, to have it faid by the world, " I 
 '* had had an affair with the moon, in which 
 .♦' there was neither (in nor fliame," than have it 
 pafs altogether as my own a6l and deed, where- 
 in there was fo much of both. 
 
 —But be this as it may: The moment I caft 
 my eyes upon h;fn^ 1 was predetermined not to 
 
 give
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 113 
 
 fc-ive him a Tingle fous, and accordingly I put my 
 purfe into my pocket — buttou'd it up— let niy- 
 Ttlt a little more upon my centre, and advanced 
 \ip gravely to him : there was fomcthina:, 1 fear, 
 forbidding in my look : 1 have his figure tliii 
 Tiioment before my eyes, and think there wa 
 . 'lat in it which deien'ed better. 
 
 The monk, as I jndged from the break in his 
 to^fure, a few Icatter'cl white hairs upon his 
 temples, being all that remained of it, might be 
 
 about feventy but from his eyes, knd that 
 
 fort of fire that was in tliem, which feemed 
 more temper'd by courttfy than years, could be 
 no more than fixty Truth might lie be- 
 tween He was certainly fixty-five ; and the 
 
 general air of liis countenance, notwithftanding 
 fonicthing feemed to have been planting w rinklea 
 in it befoic their time, agreed to the account. 
 
 It was one of tliofc heads, which Giiido has 
 often painted — mild, pale — penetrating, free 
 from all common-place ideas of fat contented ig- 
 norance looking downward^ upon the earth- 
 it look'd forwards ; but look'd, as if it look'd at 
 ibmething beyond this world. How one of his 
 o/dcr came by it, heaven above, who let it fall 
 
 L 3 upoa
 
 114 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 upon a monk's flioulders, befl: knows : but it 
 would have fuited a Bramin, and had I met it> 
 upon the plains of Indoftan, I had reverenced it. 
 
 The reft of his outline may be given in a few 
 flrokes ; one might put it into the hands of any 
 one to defign, for 'twas neither elegant or other- 
 wife, but as character and expreilion made it fo : 
 it was a thin, fpare form, fomething above the 
 common fize, if it loft not the diftin«5tion by a 
 bend forward in the figui-e — but it was the atti- 
 tude of Intreaty ; and as it now ftands prefent 
 to my imagination, it gain'd more than it loft 
 by it. 
 
 When he had entered' the room three paces, 
 he ftood ftill ; and laying his left hand upon his 
 breaft, (a flender white ftaff with which he jour- 
 ney 'd being in his right) — when I had got clofe 
 up to him, he introduced himfeif with the little 
 ftory of the wants of his convent, and the pover- 
 ty of his order and did it with fo fim- 
 
 ple a grace — and fuch an air of deprecation was 
 there in the whole caft of llis look and figure — 
 I Avas bewitcii'd not to have been ftruck with it. 
 
 — A better reafon was, I liad predetermined 
 
 — 'Tis 
 
 not -to o;ive him a lino;le ibus>
 
 THE BEAUTIKS OF STERXE. iij 
 
 — ''Tis very true, laid I, replyinsr to :i caft up- 
 •wards with his eyes, with which he had coii- 
 chided his addrels — 'tis very true — and heaven 
 be tlieir relburce who have no other but the 
 charity of the worUl, the ftock of which, 1 fear, 
 is no wav fufficient for the many great claims. 
 which are hourly made upon it. 
 
 As I pronounced the words great claimi^ he 
 gave a flight glance with his eye downwards 
 upon the flecve of his tunick — I felt the fuli 
 force of the appeal — I acknowledge it, faid I, — 
 a coarfe habit, and that but once in three years 
 with meagre diet — are no great matters: and 
 the true point of pity is, as they can be earn'd 
 in the world with fo little induftrv, tliat vour 
 order ihould wifli to procure them by prefling- 
 upon a fund which is the property of tlie lame, 
 the blind, the aged, and the iuHrni — the captive 
 who lies down counting over and over again the 
 days of his afflictions, languilhes alfo for his 
 Ihare of it; and had you been of the order of 
 Alercy^ inftead of the order of St. Francis, poor 
 as 1 am, continued I, pointing at my portman- 
 teau, full cheerfully flwuld it have been opcnM 
 to you, for the ranfom of the unf()rtunate — The 
 monk made me a bow — but of all others, relumed 
 I, the uiifortimate of our own country, furely, 
 
 have
 
 Ii6 THE BEAUTIES OF STEBNE, 
 
 have the tirft rights; and I have left tiiouiahds in 
 diftrefs upon orr own fliorc — The monk gave a 
 cordial wave with his head — as much as to fay, 
 No doubt, there is mifery enough in every cor- 
 ner of the world, as well as v/ithin ovir convent 
 .But we diflinguifh, faid I, laying my hand 
 upon the fleeve of his tunick, in return for his 
 
 appeal we diftinguifh, my good father! 
 
 betwixt thofe who wifh only to eat the bread of 
 their own labour — and tliofe who eat the bread 
 ©f other people's, and have no other plan in life, 
 but to get tlu-ough it in floth and ignorance, for 
 the love of GocL 
 
 The poor Francifcan made no reply: a he<fi:ic 
 ' of a moment pafs'd acrofs his cheek, but could 
 not tarrv — ^Nature feemed to have had done with 
 her refentments in him ; he fhewed none — but 
 letting his ftaff fall within his arm,he prefs'd 
 both his hands with relignation upon his breaft^ 
 and retired. 
 
 My heart fmote me the nKtmeat he fiiut the 
 door — Pflia ! faid I,, with an air of careleffnefs,. 
 tliree feveral times — but it would not do : eveiy 
 iingracious fylfable I had utter'd, crouded back 
 into my imagination: I reflefted, I had no right 
 over the poor Francifcan, but to deny him ; and 
 
 that
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNF. 117 
 
 that tlie punilhir.ent of that was enough to tlie 
 dilTappointed, without the addition of uiikinJ 
 
 language — I coiilider'd his grey hairs his 
 
 courteous figure feem'd to re-enter and gently 
 alk me what injury he hid done me? — and why 
 1 could ufe him thus? — 1 would have given twenty 
 livres for an advocate — 1 have he\ aved very ill, 
 faid 1 witliin myfeif ; but 1 have only juft fct out 
 upon my travels; and Ihall learn better manners 
 as I get along. sen. jour. p. 5. 
 
 THE 1\I O N K. 
 
 'T'H E good old monk was within fix paces of 
 us, as the idea of him crofs'd my mind ; and 
 was advancing towards us a little out of the line, 
 as if uncertain whether he (hould break in upon 
 us or no. — He llopp'd, however, as foon as he 
 came up to us, with a world of franknefs; and 
 having a horn fnulf-box in his hand, he prefented 
 it open to me — You /hall tafle mine — faid I, 
 pulling out my box (which was a fmall tortoife 
 one) and putting it into his hand — 'Tis moll ex- 
 cellent, faid the monk: Then do mt the favour, 
 I replied, to accept of the box and all, and when 
 you take a pinch out of it, fomciiuies recollect 
 
 it
 
 ii8 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 it was the peace-oixriiig of a man who once 
 
 uled you unkindly, but not from his heart. 
 
 The poor monk Ijluili'd as red as fcarlet. 3Ion 
 Dieul faid he, preffing his hands together——. 
 you never ufed me unkindly. — I fliould think, 
 faid the lady, he is not likely. I blufh'd in my 
 turn; but from what movements,! leave to the 
 few Vv'ho feel to analyfe — Excufe me, Madame, 
 replied I — I treated him mofl unkindly; and 
 from no provocations. 'Tis impclTible faid the 
 lady. — My God ! cried the mor.k, with a warmth 
 of afleveration which feern'd not to belong to 
 him — the fault was in me, and in the indifcretion 
 of my zeal — the lady oppofed it, and I joined 
 with her in maintaining it was impofiible, that 
 a fpirit fo regulated as his, could give offence 
 to any. 
 
 I knew not that contention could be rendered 
 fo fweet and plcafurable a thing to the nerves as 
 I then felt it. — We remained fllent, without any 
 fenfation of that foolilh pain which takes place,, 
 when in fuch a circle you look for ten minutes 
 in one another's faces without faying a word. 
 Whilft this lalted, the monk rubb'd his horn-box 
 upon the fleeve of his tunick ; and as foon as it 
 had acquired a little air of brightneis by the 
 
 fri(ftion —
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 119 
 
 friJlion — he made a low bow, and faid 'twas 
 too late to fay whether it was the weakiiefs 
 or goodnefs of our tempers which had involved 
 lis in this conteft — but be it as it would — he 
 beffg'd we might exchange boxes — In faying 
 this he prcfented his to me with one hand, as 
 he took mine from me in the other: and having 
 kii'i'd it — with a ftream of good-nature in his 
 eyes, he put it into his bofora^and took his 
 leave. 
 
 I guard this box as I would the iuftruniental 
 parts of my religion, to help my mind on to 
 fomething better: in trutli, I feldoni go abroad 
 without it ; and oft and many a time have I 
 called up by it the courteous fpirit of its owner 
 to regulate my own, in tlie juftlingsof the world; 
 they had found full employment for liis, as I 
 learnt from his ftory, till about the forty-fifth 
 vear of liis age, wl)en upon ibme military. 
 fervices ill requited, and mc-eting at the fame 
 time with a difappointment in the tendered of 
 paffions, he abandoned the fword and the fex to- 
 j^ether, and took fan flnary, not fo much in his. 
 < onvent as in himfelf. 
 
 1 feel a damp upon my fpirits, as I am going 
 tu add, that in my lail return tiirough Calaiik, 
 
 «jpon
 
 120 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 upon inquiring after Father Lorenzo, I heard 
 he had been dead near three months, and was 
 buried, not in his convent, but, according to his 
 defire, in a little cemetery beloriging to it, about 
 two leagues off": I had a ftrong defire to fee 
 where they had laid him — when upon pulling 
 out his little horn box, as I fat by his grave, 
 and plucking up a nettle or two at the head of it, 
 which had no bufmefs to grow there, tlicy all 
 ftruck together fo forcibly upon mya ffedtions, 
 that I burfl into a flood of tears — but I am as 
 weak as a woman ; and I beg the world not to 
 fmile, but pity me. 
 
 S. JOURNEY, PAGE, 34. 
 
 FELLOW-FEELING. 
 
 'T' HERE is fomething in our nature which 
 engages us to take part in every accident 
 to which man is fubje^l, from what caufe foever 
 it may have happened ; but in fuch calamities as 
 a man has fallen into through mere misfortune, 
 to be charged upon no fault or indifcretion of 
 himielf, there is fomething then fo truly intereft- 
 ing, that at the firft fight we generally make 
 them our own, not altogether from a reflection 
 
 that
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. izi 
 
 that they might have been or may be fo^ but 
 oftener from a certain generofity and tendernels 
 of nature which difpofes us for companion, ab- 
 /Iracled from all confiderations of fch": fo that 
 without any obfer\'able acl of tlie will, we fufler 
 with the unfortunate, and feel a weight upon 
 our fpirits we know not why, on feeing the moft 
 common inftances of their diftrcfs. But wlicre 
 tiie fpeftacle is uncommonly tragical, and com- 
 plicated with many circumltanccs of raifery, the 
 mind is then taken captive at once, and -were it 
 inclined to it, has no power to make refiftance, 
 but furrenders itfelf to all the tender emotions of 
 pity and deep concern. So that when one con- 
 fiders tliis friendly part of our nature without 
 looking farther, one would think it irapoflible 
 for man to look upon mifery without finding 
 himfelf in fome meafure attached to the interest 
 of him who fuifers it — I fay, one would think it 
 impolTiblc — for there arc fomc tempers — -how 
 fhall I defcribe them? — formed eitlier of fuch 
 impenetrable matter, or wrought up by habitual 
 fdhflmefs to fuch an utter infenlibility of what 
 becomes of the fortunes of their fellow creatures, 
 as if they Avcre not partakers of the fame nature, 
 or had no lot or connedlion at all with the fpc- 
 cies. SERMONj in. r. 43. 
 
 INI T H li
 
 J £2 THE BEAUTIES OF StERNE. 
 
 THE UNMERCIFUL MAN. 
 
 ,T O O K into the world — how often do you 
 behold a fordid wretch, whofe ftrait heart is 
 open to no man's affliction, taking fhelter behind 
 an appearance of piety, and putting on the garb 
 of religion, which none but the merciful and 
 compaffionate have a title to wear. Take no- 
 tice with what fanftity he goes to the end of his 
 days, in the fame felfiih track in which he at 
 lirfl fet out — turning neither to the right hand 
 nor to the left — but plods on — pores all his life 
 long upon the ground, as if afraid to look up, 
 left peradventure he Hiould fee aught which 
 nlight turn him one moment out of that ftrait 
 line where intereft is carrying him ; — or if, 
 by chance, he ftumbles upon a haplefs objeft 
 of diftrefs, which threatens fuch a diiafter to 
 Jiim — devoutly paffing by on the other fide, as 
 if unwilling to truft himfelf to the impreflions 
 of nature, or hazard the inconveniences which 
 pity might lead him into upon the occafion. 
 
 SERMON, III. p. 46. 
 
 PITY.
 
 TOE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 123 
 
 P I T Y. 
 
 T N benevoleilt natures the impulfc to pity is 
 ib iudden, that like inftruments of mviiic 
 •W-hich obey the toucli — the objecfls which are fit- 
 ted to excite fuch imprelfions work fo iiiftanta- 
 neous an effect, that you woiild think the will 
 was fcarce concerned, and that the mind was al- 
 together paffn-e in the lympatliy wliich her own 
 goodnefs has excited. The truth is — the Ibul is 
 generally in fuch cafes fo buiily taken up and 
 wholly engrofTed by the object of pity, tliat {lie 
 does not attend to her own operations, or take 
 kifure to examine the principles upon wliich fhe 
 
 aftS. StRMON, III. PACE '"I. 
 
 COMPASSION. 
 
 1 N generous fpirits, compafiion is fonietimes 
 
 more tlian a balance for fclf prefervatiou. 
 
 God certainly interwove that friendly foftnefs in 
 
 our nature to be a check upon too great a pro- 
 
 penlity towards felf-love. 
 
 SERMON, V. PAKE 89. 
 
 M z SLANDER.
 
 ra> THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 SLANDER* 
 
 /^ F the many revengeful, covetous, falfe, 
 and ill-natured perfons -which we complain 
 of in tire world, though we all join in the cry 
 againft them, what man amongft us fingles out 
 himfelf as a criminal, or ever once takes it into 
 his head that he adds to the number ? — or where 
 is there a man fo bad, who would not think it 
 the hardefl and moft vinfair imputation, to have 
 any of thoTe particular vices laid to his charge i 
 
 If he has the fymptoms never fo ftrong upon 
 him, wliich he would pronounce infallible in 
 another, they are indications of no fuch malady 
 Inliimfelf^ — he fees what no one elfe fees, fome 
 fecret and flattering circumftances in his favour, 
 ■which no doubt make a wide diiference betwixt 
 his Cafe, and the parties which he condemns. 
 
 What other man fpeaks fo often and A^ehe- 
 mently againft the vice of pride-, fets the weak- 
 nefs of it in a more odiou? light, or is more hurt 
 with it in another, than the proud man himfelf? 
 
 It
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 12 j 
 
 k is the fame with the padlonate, the deiigning, 
 the ambitious, and fomc other common charac- 
 ters in life; and being a confcqucnce of the 
 nature of fuch vices, and almolt infcperable 
 from them, the effet^s of it are generally fo 
 grofs and abfurd, that where pity does not for- 
 bid, it is pleafant to obferve and trace the cheat 
 through the feveral turnings and windings of 
 the heart, and dete6l it througli all the fliapes 
 and appearances which it puts on. 
 
 SERMON, IV. p. 72. 
 
 HOUSE OF MOURNING. 
 
 ¥ ET \is go into the houfe of mourning, made 
 fo by fuch afflitflions as have been brought 
 in, merely by the common crofs accidents and 
 difaftcrs to which our condition is expofed, — 
 where, perhaps, the aged parents fit broken- 
 hearted, pierced to their fouls with the folly 
 and indiftretion of a thanklcfs child — the child 
 of their prayers, in whom all their hopes and 
 expectations centered : — perhaps a more affccl- 
 ing fcenc — a virtuous family lying pinched with 
 vant, where the unfortunate i'uppoit of it 
 M 3 having
 
 lid THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 having long rtruggled with a train of misfor- 
 tunes, and bravely fought up againft them,— is 
 now pitcoufiy borne down at the laft — over- 
 whelmed witii a cruel blow which no forecail 
 C)r frugality could have prevented.- — O God ! 
 look upon his afRiclions — behold him diflracfled 
 with many forrows, furrounded with the tender 
 pledges of his love, and the partner of his 
 cares— without bread to give them, imable, 
 from the remembranQe of better days, to dig ^ 
 — »to beg,, afliamed... 
 
 When we enter into the houfe of mourning 
 fuch as this — it is impoffible to infult the unfor- 
 tunate even with an improper look — under 
 whatever levity and diffipation of heart, fuch 
 cbjecls catch our eyes, — tiiey catch likewife 
 our attentions, coUeft and call home ovir fcat- 
 tered thoughts, and exercife them with wifdom- 
 A traniitnt ftene of diftrefs, fuch as is here 
 !k-etch.ed, how foon does it furnifh materials to 
 fet the nvind at work ? how necelTarily does it 
 enfage it to the confideration of the miferies 
 and misfortunes, the dangers and calamities to 
 which the life of man is fubjecl ? By holding 
 up fuch a glafs before it, it forces the mind to 
 f(?e and refiedt ujon the vanity, — the perifhing 
 
 condition
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. iz^ 
 
 condition and uncertain tenure of every thing 
 ill thli world. From rciiecl^ions of thii ferious 
 cad, how infenfibly do the thoughts carry us 
 farther ? — and from confidcring what we are 
 — what kind of world we live in, and what 
 evils befal lis in it, how naturally do they let us 
 to look forwards at what poHibly we iliall be ? 
 — for what kind of world we are intended — 
 what evils may befal us there — and what pro- 
 vifion we fhould make againll them here, whilft 
 we have time and opportimity. If thel'e Icflons 
 are fo inseparable from tlie houfe of mourning 
 here fuppofed — we ihall find it a Hill more in- 
 (Iruclive fchool of wifdom \i hen we take a view 
 of the place in that more affecling light in which 
 the wife raan fccnis to confine it in the text^ 
 in which, by the houfe of mourning, I believe, 
 he means that particular fceue of forrow, where 
 there is lainentation and mourning for the 
 dead. Turn in hither, 1 befeech you, for a 
 moment. Behold a dead man ready to be car- 
 ried out, the only fon of his mother, and fhe 
 k widow. Perhaps a more aflei^ing fpectacle 
 a kind and indulge nt father of a numerous fa- 
 mily, lies breathlefs fnatchcd away in tlie 
 
 ftrengih of Lis age torn in an evil hour from 
 
 hi? diildrcn and the bofyiu ol a dil'confolate 
 
 wife.
 
 T28 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 wife. Behold much people of tiie city gathered 
 together to mix their tears, with fettled forrow 
 in their looks, going heavily along to the houfe 
 ©f mourning, to perform that laft melancholy 
 office, which, M'hen the debt of nature is paid, 
 we are called upon to pay to each other. If this 
 fad oGcafion which leads him there, has not 
 done it already, take notice, to what a ferious 
 and devout frame of mind every man is re- 
 duced, the moment he enters this gate of afflic- 
 tion. The bufy and fluttering fpirits, which. 
 in the houfe of mirth were wont to tranfport 
 him from one diverting obje6l to another — fee 
 how they are fallen ! how peaceably they are 
 laid 1 In this gloomy manfion full of /hades and 
 uncomfortable damps to fieze the foul — fee, the 
 light and eafy heart, which never knew what it 
 Was to think before, how penfive it is now,, 
 how foft, how fufceptible, how full of religious 
 impreflions, how deeply it is fmitten with fenfe 
 and with a love of virtue. Could we, in this 
 crifis, whilft this empire of reafon and religicm 
 kils, and the heart is thus exercifed with wif- 
 dom and bufied with heavenly contemplations 
 —could we fee it naked as it is — ftripped of 
 its paffions, unfpotted by the world, and regard- 
 lefs of its pleafures^ — ^^e might then fafely refl 
 
 ©UP
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERME. 12^ 
 
 our cauie upon tliis lingle evidence, and appeal 
 to the moft fcnlUal whether Solomon has not 
 made a juft determination here, in tavovu" of the 
 houfe of mourning ? not for its own. fake, bur 
 as it is fruitful in virtue, and becomes the oc- 
 cafion of ib much good. Without this end, 
 forrow I own has no uie but to (liorten a man's 
 davs — nor can gravity, with all its ihidied fo- 
 lemnity of look and carriage, ferve any end 
 but to make one half a( the world merry, and 
 inipofe upon the other. 
 
 stftM. II. p. 33. 
 
 » -Jifc.-.-'-.. -ii'-T 1" . I' ' ,   : ill '"ij   
 
 FRAILTY. 
 
 ^T^HE beft of m«i appear fometrmcs to be 
 ftrange compounds of contradictory quali- 
 ties : and, were the accidental overfights and 
 folly of the wifeft man, — the failings and im- 
 perfections of a religious man, — the hafty aclj 
 and pafTionate words of a meek man ; — ^were 
 they to rife up in judgment againft them,— and 
 an ill-natured judge be fuifered to mark in this 
 manner what has been done amifs — what cha- 
 ra<?ter fo unexceptionable as to be able to ftand 
 before him? 
 
 SERM. XXXI. p. 23- 
 INSENSLBILIIY.
 
 J30 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 INSENSIBILITY. 
 
 1 T is the fate of mankind, too often, to feenr 
 infenfible of m hat they may enjoy at the 
 eafielt rate. 
 
 SERM. xLvi. p. ^^6r 
 
 U N C E R T A I N T Y, 
 
 T^HERE 15 no condition in life To fixed and per- 
 manent as to be out of danger, or the reach 
 of change: — and we all may depend upon it, that 
 we fliall take our turns of wanting and deliring. 
 By how many unforefeeu caufes may riches take 
 wing I — Th-e crowns of princes may be fliaken, 
 and the greatefl that ever awed the world have 
 experienced what the turn of the wheel can da, 
 — That which hath happened to one man, may 
 befal another ; and, therefore, that excellent rule 
 of our Saviour's ought to govern us in all our 
 actions, — Whatfoever ye would that men fliould 
 do to yoi^, do you alfo to them likewife. — Tune 
 
 and
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 131 
 
 and chance happens to all; — and the moft affluent 
 may be Ihipt of all, and find his worldly com- 
 forts like lb many withered leaves dropping 
 from him. 
 
 SERM. XLi. p. 209, 
 
 THE DEAD ASS. 
 
 A ND this, faid he, putting tlic remains of a 
 
 cr\\i\ into his wallet and this flaould 
 
 liave been thy portion, faid he, hadfl thou been 
 alive 10 have Iharcd it with me. I thought by 
 tiic accent, it had been an apoftrophe to his 
 I 'lild; but 'twas to liis als, and to the very afs 
 
 we had feen dead in the road, which had 
 occarioncd La Flcur^t mifadventure. The man 
 Tiemed to lament it much; and it irJtantly 
 brought iiiro my mind Satjc/io''s lamentation fo^ 
 his; but he did it with more true touches of 
 n-it'ir''. 
 
 Tiic mourner uas fitting upon a ftone-bench 
 at the door, w ith the afs's pannel and its bridle 
 on one iide, wliich he took up from time to 
 time — tlK-n laid them do>\i; — look'd at thcin — 
 
 and
 
 1^2 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 and ftiGok his head. He then took his crufl; of 
 bread out of his wallet again, as if to eat it? 
 held it fonie time in his hand — then laid it upon 
 the bit of his afs's bridle — look'd wiftfuUy at 
 the little arrangement he had made — and then 
 gave a figh. 
 
 The fimplicity of his grief drew numbers a- 
 bout him, and La Flettr amongft the reft, whilil 
 the horfes were getting ready; as I continued 
 fitting in the poft-chaife, I could fee and hear 
 over their heads. 
 
 — He faid he had come laft from Spain, where 
 he had been from the furtheft: borders of Fran- 
 covia; and had got fo far on his return home, 
 when his afs died. Every one feera'd deii- 
 rous to know what bufmefs could have taken 
 fo old and poor a man fo far a journey from his 
 cwn home. 
 
 It had pleafed heaven, he faid, to blefs him 
 with three fons, the fineft lads in all Germany; 
 but having in one week loft two of them by the 
 fmall-pox, and the youngeft falling ill of the fame 
 diftemper, he was afraid of being bereft of them 
 all; and made a vow^ if heaven would not take 
 
 him
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 133 
 
 liim from him alfo, he woiild go in gratitude' to 
 St. Jago in Spain, 
 
 When the mourner got thus faj- on his ftory, 
 he ftopp'd to pay nature her tribute — ^and wept 
 bitterly. 
 
 « 
 
 He faid heaven had accepted the conditions, 
 and that' he had let out from his cottage with 
 this poor creature, who liad b^xn a patient part- 
 ner of his journey — that it had cat the fame 
 bread with him all the way, and N\'as unto liini 
 as a iriend. 
 
 Every bodv wlio flood about heard the poor 
 
 fellow with concern — La Fleur olfcred him 
 
 jnoney — The mourner luid he did not want it 
 
 —it was not the value of the afs — but the lofs 
 
 of him. — The afs, he faid, he was afliired, lored 
 
 him — and upon this told them a long (lory of 
 
 a mifchance upon tlieir pafTage over the Pyre- 
 
 nean mountains which had feparated them from 
 
 each other three days; during which time the 
 
 afs liad fousht him .is much as he had fought the 
 
 afs, and that they had neither fcarce eat or drank 
 
 till they met. 
 
 N Thou
 
 134 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 Thou haft one comfort, friend, faid I, at 
 leafl in the lofs of thy poor beaft; I'm fure thou 
 haft been a merciful mafter to him, — Alas ! faid 
 the mourner, I thought fo, when he was alive 
 —but now he is dead I think otherwife. — I fear 
 the weight of myfelf and my affliv5tions together 
 h%ve been too much for him — they have fliorten- 
 ed the poor creature's days, and I fear I liave 
 them to anfwer fon — Shame on the world i faid 
 I to myfelf — Did we love each other as this 
 poor foul but lov'd his afs — 'twould be fome- 
 thing. 
 
 SEN. JOURNEY, P. 74. 
 
 HUMOURING IMMORAL APPETITES. 
 
 HP H E humouring of certain appetites, where 
 morality is not concerned, feems to be the 
 means by which the Author of nature intended 
 to fweeten this journey of life, — and bear us up 
 under the many fliocks and hard joltlings, which 
 we are lure to meet with in our way. — And a 
 m;ai anight, >v th as much rt^iron, mu''r!e up him- 
 ftU ?gainl> Lu.^.'hin.' and . r ,. Ji:'-i, — and at 
 othercimcs expole luaiielr nuked to the incb- 
 " "1 meacies
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 135 
 
 inencies of cold and rain, as debar himfclf of the 
 innocent delights of his nature, for airecl:ed re- 
 ferve and raelaucholy. 
 
 It is true, on the other hand, our paflions are 
 apt to grow upon us by indulgence, and become 
 exorbitant, if they are not kept under exact dif- 
 tipUne, that by way of caution and preventioa 
 'twere better, at certain times, to afleil fome 
 degree of needlefs rcferve, than hazard any ill 
 confcquences from the other extreme, 
 
 SERMON, XXXVII. P. I3. 
 
 U 
 
 UNITY. 
 
 T O O K into private life, — behold how good 
 and plcafant a thing it is to live together in 
 unity} — it is like the precious ointment poured 
 upon the head of .Aaron, that run down to his 
 fkirts; — importing that this balm of life is felt 
 and enjoyed, not only by governors of kingdoms, 
 but is derived down to the loweft rank of life, 
 and tailed in tlic molt private recedes ; — all, 
 from the king to the pcafant, are refreflicd \\ itli 
 its blcfling^, without which we can find no com- 
 
 N 2 fort
 
 136 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 fort in any thing this world can give. It is 
 tliis bleffing gives every one to fit quietly under 
 his vine, and reap the fruits of his labour and 
 induftry : — in one word, which befpeaks who i& 
 the beftower of it — it is that only which keeps 
 ap the liarmony and order of the world, and 
 prefcrves every thing in it from ruin and 
 confufion. 
 
 SERMON, XLi. p. 203.. 
 
 OPPOSITION. 
 
 T^HERE are fecret workings in human affairs, 
 which over-rule all human contrivance, and 
 counterplot thewifeft of our councils, in fo flrange 
 and unexpefted a manner, as to caft a damp 
 npon oiu" befl: fchemes and warmeft endeavours. 
 
 SERMON^ XXXIX. p. 170 
 
 Captain
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 137 
 
 Captain Shandy'' s Juf}ification of his ovm Primi<- 
 
 pies and Conditif^ in wijliing to continue 
 
 the War. Written to his Brother. 
 
 I A iM not infenfible, brother Shandy^ that 
 when a man, whofe profcfTioa is arms^ 
 wilhes, as I have <lone, for war — it has an ill 
 afpec\ to the world ; — and that, Ijow jull and 
 right loever his motives and intentions may be, 
 — he rtands in an uneafy pollure in vindicating 
 liimfeli' from private views in doing it. 
 
 Tor this caufe, if a foldicr is a prudent man, 
 which he may be, withont being a jot the lefs 
 brave, he will be fure not to utter his wifh in 
 the hearing of an enemy ; for fay what he will, 
 an enemy will not believe him. — He will be cau- 
 tious of doing it even to a friend, — left he may 
 fuflcr in his cllccm : — But if hia heart is over- 
 charged, and a Cecret figh for arms muft have 
 its vent, he will referve it for the ear of a bro- 
 ther, who knows his character to the bottom, 
 and what his true notions, difpofitions, and 
 principles of honour arc : What, I hoptj I have 
 
 N 3 been
 
 138 THE BEAUTIES OF STEPvNE. 
 
 been in all thefe, brother Shandy^ would be un- 
 becommg in me to fay : — much worfe, I know, 
 have 1 been than I ought, — and fomething 
 worfe, perhaps, than I think : But fuch as I am, 
 you, my dear brother Shandy^ who have fucked 
 the fame breafts with me, — and with whom I 
 have been brought up from my cradle, — and 
 from whofe knowledge, from the firfl: hours of 
 of our boyifli paftimes, down to this, I have 
 soncealed no one adlion of my life, and fcarce 
 a thought in it — Such as I am, brother, yoii 
 muft by this time know me, with all my vices, 
 and with all my weaknefles too, whether of my 
 age, my- temper, my paffions, or my under- 
 flanding. 
 
 Tell me then, my dear brother Shajidy^ upon 
 which of them it is, that when I condemned 
 the peace of Utrecht^ and grieved the war was 
 not carried on w^ith vigour a little longer, yoa 
 ftiould think your brother did it upon unworthy 
 views ; or that in wifliing for war, he fhould 
 be bad enough to wifh more of his fellow-crea- 
 tures flain, — more flaves made, and more fami- 
 lies driven from their peaceful habitations, mere 
 ly for his own pleafure : — Tell me, brother 
 Shandy^ upon what one deed of raine do you 
 ground it .* 
 
 If
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 139 
 
 It' V. lien 1 was a Ichool-boy, I could not 
 he.ir a drum beat, but my heart beat with it^ 
 was it my fault ? Did 1 plant the propenfity 
 there ? Did I found the alarm within ? or Na- 
 ture ? 
 
 When Ciiyj Earl of Wanrick^ and Pariffnus 
 and Parijmenus, and Valentine and Orfon^ and 
 ihe Seven Champions of England were handed a- 
 round the fthool, — ^were tliey not all purchafed 
 with my own pocket money ? Was that felHili, 
 brother Shandy ? When we read over the ficge 
 of Troy, which lafted ten years and eight months, 
 — tliough with fuch a train of artillery as we 
 had at Narmir^ the town might have been car- 
 ried in a week — was I not as much concerned 
 fttr the Creeks and Trojans as any boy of the 
 whole Ichool > Had 1 not three Itrokes of a fe- 
 rula given me, two on my riglrt hand and one 
 on mv left, for calling Helena a bitch for it ? 
 Did any one of you flicd n:ore tears for Heilor? 
 And when king Priatn came to the camp to beg 
 his body, and returned weeping back to Troy 
 without it, — you know, brother, 1 could not 
 eat my dinner. 
 
 — Did that b«fpeak mc cruel? Or becaufc, 
 brother Shandy y my blood fkw out into ilie 
 
 I amp J
 
 140 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 camp, and my heart panted for war, — wa? it 
 a proof it could not ache for the diftrcfTcs of 
 Var too ? 
 
 O brother ! 'tis one thing for a foldier to ga- 
 ther laurels, — and 'tis another to fcatter c}^refs. 
 
 — 'Tis. one thing, brother Shandy^ for a fol- 
 dier to hazard his own life — to leap firft down 
 into the trench, where he is fure to be cut in- 
 pieces : — 'Tis one tiling from public fpirit and 
 a thirft of glory,, to enter the breach the firft 
 man, — to fland in the foremoiT: rank, and march- 
 bravely on with drums and trumpets,, and co- 
 laurs flying about lais ears : — 'Tis one thing, 1 
 fay, brother Shandy^ to do this, — and 'tis ano- 
 ther thinp- to reflecl on the miferies of war ; — 
 to view the defolations of whole countries, and 
 confider the intolerable fatigues and hardfliips- 
 which the foldier himfelf, the inftrument wlm 
 works them, is forced (for fix-pence a day^ if he 
 can get it) to undergo. 
 
 Need I be told,, dear Yarick^ as I was by you, 
 in Le Fe-ver''s funeral fermon. That fo foft and 
 gentle a creature^ born to love^ to mercy^ and 
 kindnefsy as man isy was not Jliaped for this ? But 
 
 "why
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. ur 
 
 why did you not add, Yci'icky — if not by na- 
 ture — that lie is fo by necessity ? — For what 
 is war ? what is it, Yoncli\ when fouo-ht as ours 
 lias been, upon principles of liberty, and upon 
 principles of /lotivur — \\ hat is it, but the getting 
 together of quiet and harmlefs people, with 
 their fwords in their hands, to keep the ambi- 
 tious and the turbulent Nwthin bounds? And hea- 
 ven is my witnefs, brother Shandy, that the plea- 
 fure I have taken in thefe things, — and that in- 
 finrte delight, in particular, which has attended 
 my fieges in my boxlhig ^re^ w, has arofe wit)i- 
 in me, and I hope in the Corporal too, from the 
 confcioufnefs we both had, that in carrying 
 them on, we were anfwcring the great ends of 
 our creation. 
 
 T. shAndv, vol. hi. chap. 75. 
 
 IVI E R C Y. 
 
 ly^T Y uncle Toby was a man patient of inju- 
 ries; — not from want of courage, — where 
 juft occafions prcfcnted, or called it fortli,— 1 
 know no man under whofe arm 1 would foontr 
 have taken fhclter ; — nor did this arifc from a:iy 
 
 infenlibjliiy
 
 142 THE BEAUTIES QF STERNE. 
 
 iiifenfibility or obtufenefs of his intelletfiuaJ 
 parts ; — he was of a peaceful, placid nature, — 
 no jarring element in it, — all was mixed up fo 
 kindly within him ; my uncle Toby had fcarce a 
 
 hear to retaliate upon a fly : Go, — fays he 
 
 one day at dinner, to an overgrown, one which 
 had buzzed about his nofe, and tormented hira 
 cruelly all dinner-time,-; — and which, after infi- 
 nite attempts, he ha-d caught at laft — as it flew 
 by him ; — I'll not hurt thee, fays my uncle 
 Toby^ rifmg from his chair, and going acrofs 
 the room, with the fly in his hand,. — I'll not 
 hurt a hair of thy head : — Go,, fays he, lifting 
 up the fafh, and opening his hand as he fpoke, 
 to let it efcape ; — go, poor devil, — get thee 
 gone, why fliould I hurt thee? — This world 
 furely is wide enough to hold both thee and me. 
 
 .:^*.:k This is to ferve for parents and gover- 
 tiors inflead of a whole volume upon the fubje<5l» 
 
 T. SHA.NDY, VOL. J. CHAP. 37, 
 
 INDOLENCE
 
 THE BE.AUTIES OF STERNE. 143 
 
 INDOLENCE. 
 
 INCONSISTENT foul that man is! Ian- 
 
 guHliing under wounds which he has the 
 power to heal I — his whole life a contradiL^ion 
 to his knowledge! — his reafon, that precious 
 
 gift of God to him (inflead of pouring in 
 
 oil) ferving but to fliarpen his fenfihilities, — to 
 multiply his pains and render him more melan- 
 choly and unealy under them I — Poor unhappy 
 
 creature, that he fliould do fo! are not the 
 
 ncceflary caufes of mifery in this life enow, but 
 he mull add voluntary ones to liis flock of for- 
 row ; — flniggle againfl evils which cannot be 
 avoided, and fubm.it to others, which a tenth 
 part of the trouble they create him, would re- 
 move from his heart for ever ? 
 
 T. SHANDY, VOL. II. CHAP. I^. 
 
 CONSOLATION.
 
 144 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 CONSOLATION. 
 
 T) E F O R E an afflitftion is digcfted, — confola- 
 tion ever comes too foon ;— and after it is 
 digefted — it comes too late :— there is but a 
 mark between thefe two, as fine almoft as a 
 hair, for a comforter to take aim at. 
 
 T. SHANDY, VOL. II. CHAP. 22. 
 
 THE STARLING. 
 
 T> ESHREW the fmnhre pencil I faid 
 I vaunt ingly — for I envy not its 
 
 powers, which paints the evils of life with ^o 
 hard and deadly a colouring. The mind fits 
 terrified at the obje(51's fhe has magnified herfelf, 
 and blackened: reduce them to their proper fize 
 and hue fhe overlooks them—' — 'Tis true, faid 
 I, correcting the propofition — ^— -the Baflile is 
 
 not an evil to be defpifed but ftrip it of its 
 
 towers— —fill up the fofse— — ^unbarricade the 
 
 doors——*
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 145 
 
 doors call it fiinply a confinement, and fup- 
 
 pofe 'tis fome tyrant of a diftcmper and 
 
 not of a man which holds you in it the evil 
 
 vanilhcs, and you bear the other lialf without 
 complaint. 
 
 I was interrupted in the liey-day of this foli- 
 loquy, with a voice which I took to be of a child, 
 
 which complained '' it could not get out." 
 
 I looked up and down the paffagr, and feeino- 
 neither man, woman, or child, 1 went out with- 
 out further attention. 
 
 In my return back through tlic pafTage, I heard 
 the fame words repeated twice over ; and look- 
 ing up, I faw it was a flarling hung in a little 
 
 cage '■'■ I can't get out — I can't get out,"' 
 
 faid the flarlins;. 
 
 I ftood looking at tlie bird : and to every 
 pcrfon who came tlirough the pafTage it ran 
 fluttering to the fide towards wliich they ap- 
 proached it, with the fame lamentations of its 
 captivity — '* I can't get out," faid the flar- 
 ling — God help thee I faid I, but I will let thee 
 out, coft what it will ; fo I turned about the 
 cage to get the door; it was twiflcd and 
 
 O double
 
 146 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 double twifled fo faft with wire, there was no 
 getting it open without pnlUng the cage topieces 
 —I took both hands to it. 
 
 The bird flew to the place where I was at- 
 tempting his deliverance, and thrufHng his head 
 through the trellis, preffed his breaft againfl it, 
 as if impatient — I fear, poor creature I faid I, 
 I cannot fet thee at liberty — " No, faid tlie 
 ftarling — " I can't get out — I can't get out," 
 faid the ftax-ling. 
 
 I vow I never had my afFe<fi:ions more ten- 
 derly awakened ; nor do I remember an inci- 
 dent in my life, where the dilfipated fpirits, to 
 which my reafon had been a bubble, were fo 
 luddenly called home. Mechanical as the notes 
 w-ere, yet fo true in tune to nature were they 
 chanted, that in one moment they overthrew all 
 my fyftematic reafonings upon the Baftile; and 
 I heavily walked up flairs, unfaying every word 
 I had faid in going down them. 
 
 Difguife thyfelf as thou wilt, ftill, flavery ! 
 faid I— ftill thou art a bitter draught ! and 
 though thoufands in all ages have been made to 
 drink of thse, thou art no lefs bitter on that ac- 
 count. —
 
 THK BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 147 
 
 count. — 'Tis thou thrice fwcet and gracious 
 goddefs, acUlrefling myielf to liberty, whom 
 all in public or in private woriliip, wliuCe tafte 
 grateful, and ever will be fo, till natl're her- 
 felf Ihall change — no tint of words can fpot 
 thy fnowy mantle, or ch)nnic power turn thy 
 
 iceptre into iron with thee to fmile upon 
 
 him as he eats his cruU, the fwain is happier 
 than his monarch, from whofe court thou art 
 
 exiled Gracious heaven 1 cried I, kneeling 
 
 down upon the lail ftcp but one in my afcent 
 — Gr.mt me but health, thou great Beflower of 
 ir, and give me but this fair goddefs as my 
 companion — and fliower down thy mitres, if 
 it feems good unto thy divine providence, upon 
 thofc heads which are aching for them. 
 
 SENT. JOURNEY, P. I34. 
 
 THE CAPTIVE. 
 
 nPHE bird in his cage purfued me into my 
 r<x)m ; 1 fat down clofe by my table, and 
 leaning my head upon my hand, 1 began to 
 figure to myfelf the mifcries of confinement. 1 
 was in a right frame for it, and fo 1 give full 
 fcopc to my imagination. 
 
 O z 1 \\as
 
 i48 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 1 was going to begin with the millions of my 
 fellow-creatures, born to no inheritance but 
 flavery: but finding, however affediing the pic- 
 ture was, that I could not bring it near nie, and 
 that the multitude of fad groups in it did but 
 diftrac^i: me — • 
 
 1 took a fingle captive, and having firft 
 
 ihut him up in his dungeon, I then looked 
 through the twilight of his grated door to take 
 his pielure. 
 
 1 beheld his body half wafled away with long 
 expectation and confinement, and felt what kind 
 pf ficknefs of the heart it was which arifes from 
 hope deferr'd. Upon looking nearer I faw him 
 pale and feverifli : in thirty years the weftern 
 breeze had not once fann'd his blood — he had 
 feen no fun, no moon, in all that time — nor 
 had the voice of friend or kim'man breathed 
 tlu-ough his lattice — his children 
 
 — But here my heart began to bleed — and 
 I was forced to go on with another part of the 
 portrait. 
 
 . He was fitting upon" the ground upon a little 
 ftiuw, in tlic furthell: corner of his dungeon, 
 
 which
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 149 
 
 which was :iheinately his chair and bed : a little 
 calendar of Ihiall flicks were laid at the head, 
 notch'd^all over with the difmal days and nights 
 he liad pafled there — he had one of thefe little 
 flicks in his hand, and with a rufty nail he was 
 etching another day of mifery to add to the heap. 
 As 1 darkened the little light he had, he lifted up 
 a hopclefs eye towards the door, then cail it 
 down — fhook his head, and went on with his 
 •work of affliction. I heard his chains upon his 
 leg?, as he turned his body to lay his little ftick 
 upon the bundle — He gave a deep figh — I faw 
 the iron enter into his foul — I burft into tears — 
 1 coidd not fuftain the picture of confinement 
 which my fancy had drawn. 
 
 SENT. JOURNEY, P. I38. 
 
 THE DWARF. 
 
 T WAS walking down that which leads from 
 the Carotifal to the Palais Royal ^ and ob- 
 ferving a little boy in fome difh-efs at the fide 
 of the glitter, which ran down the middle of 
 it, I took hold of his hand, and hclp'd him 
 ever. Upon turaing up his fate to kok at him 
 O 3 after,
 
 1.-0 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 after, I perceived he was about forty — Never 
 mind, faid I ; fome good body will do as much 
 for me, when I am ninety. 
 
 I feel Tome little principles within me, which 
 incline me to be merciful towards this poor 
 blighted part of my fpecies, who have neither 
 
 fize or llrength to get on in the world 1 
 
 cannot bear to fee one of them trod upon; and 
 had fcarce got feated befide an old French offi- 
 cer at the Opera Comique, ere the difguft was 
 exerciled, by feeing the very thing happen, 
 under the box we fat in. 
 
 At the end of the orcheffra, and betwixt that 
 aad the firft fide-box, there is a fmall efplenade 
 left, where, when the houfe is full, numbers of 
 all ranks take faniluary. Though you (land, as 
 in the parterre, you pay the fame price as in the 
 orcheftra. A poor defencelefs being of this order 
 had got thrufi: fomehoAV or other into this luck- 
 
 lefs place the night was hot, and he was 
 
 furrouiided by beings two feet and a half higher 
 than hirnfelf. The dwarf fuffered inexprefiibly 
 en all ftdes ; but the thifig which incommoded 
 him mofl: was a tall corpulent German, near 
 {even feet high, who flood dired;iy betwixt him 
 
 and
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STEINE. iji 
 
 and all poUibility of feeing either the ftage or 
 the actors. The poor dwarf did all he could to 
 get a peep at what was going forwards, by feek- 
 ing for fame little opening betwixt the German^s 
 arm and his body, trying Hrfl one (ide, then the 
 other; but the Gtrmait Hood fquare in the moft 
 unaccommodating pofhire that can be imao-ined 
 
 the dwarf might as well have been placed 
 
 at tlie bottom of the deepeft draw-well in Paris f 
 fo he civilly reacliM up liis hand to the German's 
 
 flceve, and told him his diftrefs The German 
 
 turn'd his head back, look'd down upon him as 
 Coliah did upon Daiid — and unfeelingly refumcd 
 his pofhu'e. 
 
 I was juft then taking a pinch of fnufF out of 
 my monk's little horn box — Jind liow would 
 thy meek and courteous fpirit, my dear monk ! 
 fo temper'd to bear and forbear ! — how fwectly 
 would it have lent an ear to this poor foul's 
 complaint 1 
 
 The old French officer feeing mc lift up my 
 eyes with an emotion, as I made tlie apofhoplje, 
 took the liberty to a(k me what was the matter 
 —1 told him the ftory in three words ; and 
 ftjdcd, how inhuman ir was. 
 
 By
 
 152 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 By this time the dv/arf was driven to ex- 
 tremes^ and in his firft tranfports, which are ge- 
 nerally unreafonable, had told the German he 
 would cut off his long queue with his knife — 
 The Ge.rfnan looked back coolly, and told him he 
 was welcome, if he could reach it. 
 
 An injury fharpened by an infulc, be it to who 
 it will, makes every man of fentiment a party r 
 1 could have leaped out of the box to have re- 
 dreffed it. — The old French officer did it with- 
 much lefs confdion ; for leaning a little over,, 
 and nodding to a centinel, and pointing at the 
 fame time with his finger to the c'ilr; fs — the 
 eentinel made his way up to it. — There was no 
 ©ccalion to tell the grievance- — the thing told 
 itfelf ; fo thrufling back the German inftantly 
 with his midlcet — he took the poor dwarf by 
 the hand, and placed him before him — This is 
 noble ! faid I, clapping my hands together — And 
 yet you would not permit this, faid the old offi- 
 cer, in. England. 
 
 — ^In England^ dear Sir, faid 1, we fit all at 
 mr eafe. 
 
 The old French officer would have fet me at 
 unity with myfelf,in cafe I had been at variance, 
 
 -by
 
 THE BE.AUTIES OF STERNE. 153 
 
 —by fiiying it was a boit mot — and as a bon mot 
 is always worth Ibmething at Faris^ he ofi'eied 
 me a pincli of Ixiurf'. 
 
 SENT. JOURNEY, P. 113. 
 
 C H A R I T Y. 
 
 'l/'Y/HEN all is ready, and every article is 
 difputed and paid for m the inn, imlcfs 
 you arc a little fouj-'d by the adventure, there is 
 always a matter to compound at the door, before 
 you can get into your chaife, and tliat is with 
 the Ions and daughters of poverty, who furround 
 you. Let no man lay, " Let them go to the 
 *' devil" — 'lis a cruel journey to fend a few 
 miferables, and they have bad fuiferings enow 
 without it : I always think it better to talke a 
 few fous out in my hand ; and I would counfel 
 every gentle traveller to do lb likcwife; he need 
 not be lb exadt in fctting down his motives for 
 giving them — they will be regifter'd elfewhtre. 
 
 Tor my own part, there is no man gives ^o 
 little as 1 do; for few that 1 know have fo little 
 to gi\e: but as this was the lirll public .1*51 of 
 
 my
 
 IJ4 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 my charity in France^ I took the more notice 
 of it. 
 
 A wdl-a-way I faid I. I have but eight fous 
 in the world, fliewing them in my hand, and 
 there are eight poor men and eight poor women 
 for 'em. 
 
 A poor tatter'dfoul without a Ihirt on, inilant- 
 ly withdrew his claim, by retiring two fteps out 
 of the circle, and making a difqualifying bow on 
 his part. Had tlse v/hole parterre cried out 
 Place aux dames, with one voice, it would not 
 have conveyed the fentiment of a deference for 
 the fex with half the effetSl. 
 
 Jufl: heaven ! for what wife reafons haft thou 
 order'd it that beggary and urbanity, which 
 arc at fuch variance in other countries, fliould 
 find a way to be at unity in this ? 
 
 —I infifted upon prefenting him with a fmgle 
 fouSj merely for his pclltff'e, 
 
 A poor little dwarfifli, brilk fellow, who ftood 
 over-againfl me in the cncle, putting fomething 
 firft under liis arm^ which had once been a hat, 
 
 took
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STE?vNE. 155 
 
 t<sok his rmifi-box out ot" his pocket, and gene- 
 roufly oftcred a pinch on both fiJes of him : it 
 \v>vs a gift of confequence and modeltly declined 
 — The poor little fellow prefs'd it upon them 
 \v itli a nod of welconienefs — Praiez en — Prc- 
 i:ez^ faid he, looking another way ; fo they 
 each took a pinch — Pity thy box ftiould ever 
 want one I faid I to myfclf ; fo I put a coxiple 
 of fous into it — taking a fmall pinch out of his 
 box, to enhance their vahie, as I did it — He felt 
 the weight of the fecond oblig:uion more than 
 that of the firft — 'twas doing him an honour— 
 the other was only doing him a charity — and 
 he made me a bow down to the ground for it. 
 
 — Here ! faid I, to an old foldier with one' 
 hand, who had been compaign'd and worn out 
 to death in the fervice — here's a couple of fous 
 for thee, /Vvc le Roil faid the old foldier. 
 
 1 had thea but tlu^ee fous left ; fo I gave one, 
 funplv pour r amour de Dieti^ which was the foot- 
 iniir on which it was begg'd — The poor woman 
 had a diflocated hip : (6 it could not be well, 
 upon any other motive. 
 
 A Jon cher et trei charitable JIc'i/ieur—There*s 
 10 oppofmg tins, faid I. 
 
 Afy
 
 J56 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 My Lord Anglois — the very found was worth 
 the money-— fo I gave my lajl fous fcr it. But 
 ih the eagerneis of giving, I bad ovei'loolt'd a 
 paitvre honteux^ who had no one to arte a fous 
 for him, and who, I belies ed, would have pe- 
 rilh'd, ere he could have afk'd one for himfelf : 
 he ftood by the chaife a little without the circle, 
 and wiped a tear from a face which I tliought 
 had feen better days — Good God ! faid I — and 
 
 I have not one fmgle fous left to give him 
 
 But you have a thoufand ! cried all the powers 
 
 of nature ftirring within me — fo I gave him 
 
 no matter what — I am afliamed to fay how 
 much^ now — and was aihamed to think how 
 little, then : fo if the reader can form any con- 
 jetSlure of my dilpofition, as thefe two fixed 
 points are given him, he may judge within a 
 livre or two what was the precife fum. 
 
 I could afford nothing for the reft, but Bicii 
 •vous benijfe — Et le bon Dieu votis benijfe encore' — 
 faid the old Ibldier, the dwarf, &c. The pau-vre 
 honteux could fay nothing — he puU'd out a little 
 handkercliief, and wiped his face as he turned 
 away — and I thought he thank'd me more than 
 them all, 
 
 SENT. JOURNEY, P. 66. 
 
 REFLECTIONS
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. J57 
 
 REPLECTIOXS ON DEATH. 
 
 'T~'HE Corporal 
 
 — Tread lightly on his allies, ye men of 
 genius, — for he was your kinfman: 
 
 Weed his grave clean ye men of goodnefs,— • 
 for he was your brother. — Oh Corporal I hdd I 
 thee but n{)W, — now, that I am able to give 
 thee a dinner and protection, — how would I 
 cherifli thee I thou fhould'fl wear thy Montero- 
 cap every hour of the day, and every day of the 
 week, — and wlien it was worn out, 1 would 
 piu-cliafe thee a couple like it : — but alas ! alas ! 
 alas! now that 1 can do this, in fpite of their 
 reverences — the occafion is loft — for thou art 
 gone ; — thy genius fled up to the ftars from 
 whence it came; — and that warm heai't of thine 
 with all its generous and open vefll-Is, comprcf- 
 fed into a clod of the valley .' 
 
 — But what is this — what is this, to that 
 future and dreadful page, where I lool: towards 
 I he velvet pal), decorated with the military en- 
 
 P fi;5ns
 
 1^8 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 figns of thy malter — the firft — the foremoft of 
 created behigs ; where, I ihall fee thee, faithful 
 itrvant ! laying his fword and fcabbard with a 
 trembling hand acrofs his coffin, and then return- 
 ing pale as aflies to the door, to take his mourn- 
 ing horfe by the bridle, to follow his hearfe, as 
 
 he dire(5led thee; where all my father's 
 
 fyflems (hall be baffled by his forroM"^ ; and, in 
 fpite of his philofophy, I Ihall behold him, as he 
 •inlpe<5ls the lackered plate, twice taking his 
 ipe^tacles from off his nofe, to wipe away the 
 dew which nature has flied upon them — When I 
 fee him cafl in the rofemary with an air of dil^ 
 confolatlon, which cries through my ears, — O 
 Toby ! in M'hat corner of the world fliall I leek 
 thy fellow? 
 
 — Gracious powers! which erft have opened 
 the lips of the dumb in his diftrefs, and made 
 the tongue of the flammerer fpeak plain — when 
 I Ihall arrive at this dreaded page, deal not with 
 sne, thenj with a flinted hand. 
 
 T. SHANDYj VOL. HI. C. 68. 
 
 ?L£ASURES
 
 THE BEALrTIES OF STERNE. ^59 
 
 PLEASURES OF 
 
 OBSERVATION AND STUDY. 
 
 — 'I"\7'nAT a large volume of adventures 
 may be gralpeJ within this little fpan 
 of life, by him who intcreUt his heart in every 
 tiling, and wlio, having eyes to fee what time 
 and chance are perpetually holding out to him 
 as he journeyeth on his way, mifTes nothing lie 
 <an fairly lay his lunds on- — 
 
 — If this wont tnm out fomething — another 
 will— no matter — 'tis an f.fTay upon human 
 nature — I get my labour for my pains— 'tis 
 enough — the plealurc of the experiment lias kept 
 my fenfes, and the beft part of my blood awake^ 
 and laid the grofs to fltcp. 
 
 I pity the man who can travel from Dan to 
 Betrflteba^ ajid cry, 'Tis all barren — and foit is; 
 and fo is all the world to him who will not cul- 
 tivate the fruits it oilers. I declare, faid i, ».bn- 
 ping my hands tlieerily together, that was I in 
 
 P z a dclcrt.
 
 i6o THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 a. defert, I would find out wherewith in it to call 
 forth my afFevflions — If I could do no better, I 
 would fallen them upon fome fweet myrtle, or 
 feek fome melancholy cyprefs to conneft my- 
 felf to — I would court their fliade, and greet 
 them kindly for their protection — I would cut 
 my name upon them, and fwear they were the 
 lovelieft trees throughout the defert : if their 
 leaves wither'd, I would teach myfelf to mourn, 
 and when they rejoiced, I would rejoice along 
 with them. 
 
 SEN. JOURNEY, P. jr. 
 
 FEELING AND BENEFlCENCEv 
 
 Wl A S it Mackay''s regiment, quoth my uncle 
 
 Toby^ where the poor grenadier was fo 
 
 unmercifully whipp'd at Bruges about the 
 
 ducats? O Chrift! he was innocent! ci-ied 
 
 Trim^v/'it'h. a deep figh, And he was whipp'd, 
 
 may it pleafe your honour, almoft to death's 
 door. — They had better have (hot him outright, 
 as he begged, and he had gone diredtly to 
 heaven, for he was as innocent as your honour. 
 —I thank thee, 7'nw, quoth my uncle Toby. 
 
 I never
 
 THR BEAUTIES OF STERNE. li^i 
 I never tluiik of liis, continird THjh^ aj^J aij^ 
 pour brotlkw Tom's misi'ortunes, fojr we were all 
 T}ireeithool-felk>ws,bat I cry like a co\\ ard.       
 Tears are no proof of cowardice, Trim^ I drop 
 «hem oft times myfelf, cried my uncle Toby — 4 
 know yo\ur honour does, rtpUed Trim^ and 4o a-.r» 
 
 not afhamed of it myftlf. ]jUI to tUink, may 
 
 it pleale your honour, continued Triw^ a tt-ar 
 dealing into the corner of his eye as l»e fpoke 
 — to tliink of two virtuous lads, with l»earts as 
 wann in their bodies, and a« honert as Go<l could 
 make them— .-The chijdren of hoiieft people, 
 going forth with gallant fpirits to feek tlK-i» 
 fortunes in the world — and fall into ftich eviU ! 
 poor Tom! to be tortured upon a rack for no- 
 thing — but marrying a Je-u''s widow who luld 
 fauiages — honeft Dick Johuj'oti'i foul to be 
 fcourgcd out of his body, for the ducats another 
 man put into his knapfackl — OI — thefe arc mil- 
 fortune?', cried 7V;w, pulling ou: his handker- 
 chief, — thele are misfortunes, may it pleafe 
 your honoiu", worth laying down and crying 
 over, 
 
 — Twould he a pity, Tr/w, quoth my uncle 
 Toby^ thou ihould'fl ever feel fcrrow of thy own 
 — thoufetldt it lb tenderly for others.— ^Alack-o- 
 
 P 3 day.
 
 i6z THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 day, replied the Corporal, brightening up his 
 face — your honour knows I have neither wife 
 or child — I can have no forrows in this world. 
 As few as any man^Trim, replied my uncle Tobys 
 nor can I fee how a fellow of thy light heart 
 can fuffer, but from the difti'efs of poverty in 
 thy old age — when thou art pafled ill fervices, 
 Trimj — and haft outliv'd thy'friends. — An' pleafe 
 your honour, never fear, replied Trim^ cheerily 
 —But I would have thee never fear, Trim^ re- 
 plied my uncle ToAy, and therefore, continued my 
 imcle Toby^ throwing down his cinitch, and get- 
 Jing upon his legs as he uttered the word there- 
 fore — in recompence, Trirn^ of thy long fidelity 
 to me, and that goodnefs of thy heart I have 
 had fuch proofs of — 'N\'hilft thy mafter is wortli 
 a fliilling — thou llialt never a(k. elfewhere, Trinty 
 for a penny. Trim attempted to thank my uncle 
 Toby^ — bi^t had not power — tears trickled down 
 his cheeks fafter than he could wipe them off — • 
 he laid his hands upon his breaft — made- a bow 
 to tlie grouijc!,, and fhut the door. 
 
 T. SHAMDY, V. II. C. op* 
 
 SLAVERY.
 
 THE BEAUTIRS OF STERNE, 163 
 
 SLAVERY. 
 
 /CONSIDER flavery, — what it is, — how bitter 
 a draught, and how many millions have 
 been made to <h-ink of it; — which if it can 
 poilbn all earthly happinels when exerciled 
 barely upon our bodies, what muft it be, when 
 it comprehends both the ilavery of botly and 
 mind?— To conceive this, look into the hiltory 
 o{ the Romi/h church and her tyrants (or rather 
 executioners), who feem to have taken pleafure 
 in the pangs and convulfions of their fellow- 
 creatures.— —Examine the Inquifition, hear the 
 
 melancholy notes founded in every cell.   
 
 Confider tlie anguifh of mock trials, and the ex- 
 q-.iifite tortures confequent thereupon mcrciltfsly 
 inflicted upon the unfortunate, where tire racked 
 and weary foul has fo often wifhed to take its 
 leave, — but cruelly not fuifered to depart. ■.     
 Coulidcr how many of thefc helplefs wretches 
 have been haled from thence in all period* c»f 
 this tyrannic ufurpation, to undergo the mafla- 
 irts and flames to which a falfe and a bloody 
 K'ijgion has condcnijicd thcni, 
 
 —Let
 
 i64 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE; 
 — Let us behold him in another light.-—— 
 
 If we confider man as a creature full of wants 
 and neceflities (whether real or imaginary^, 
 which he is not able to i'upply of himfelf, what 
 a train of difappointnients, vexations and depen- 
 dencies are to be feen, iflTuing from tlience to 
 
 perplex and make his being uneafy ! Ho\7 
 
 many juftlings and hard flruggles do we undergo 
 in making our way in the world ! — How bar- 
 baroufly held back! — Hov/ often and bafely 
 overthrown, in aiming only at getting bread!— 
 How many of us never attain it — at leaft not 
 comfortably, — but from various unknown caufes 
 —eat it all our lives long in bitternefs! 
 
 SERMON, lO. PAGF, 202. 
 
 OPPRESSION VANQUISHED. 
 
 T HAVE not been a furlong from Shandy-hall, 
 
 fmce I wrote to you lafl — but why is my 
 
 f)en fo perverfe? I have been to ^****^ aaid my 
 
 errand was of fo peculiar a nature, that I muQ. 
 
 give you an account of it. You will icarce 
 
 belitve me, v.-hen I tell you, it was to out- 
 juggle
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. ^6 
 
 J 
 
 juggle a juggling atJorncy; topiit craft, and all its 
 power, to defiance; and to obtain jiiftice from 
 one — who has a heart foul enough to take ad- 
 vantage of the millakes of honelHimplicity, and 
 who has railed a confiderable fortune by arti- 
 fice and injiiflice. However, I gained my point ! 
 — it was a flar and garter to me I — the matter 
 was as follows. 
 
 " A poor man, the father of my Veftal, 
 " having by the fweat of his brow, during a 
 *' courfe of many laborious years, faved a fmall 
 " fum of money, applied to this fcribe to put it 
 *' out to ufe for him: this was done and a bond 
 
 ** given for the money. The honeft man, 
 
 " having no place in his cottage which he 
 " thought fufriciently fecure, put it in a hole 
 " in the tiiatch, wliich had ferved inftcad of a 
 " ftrong box, to keep liis money. — la this 
 " fituation tlie bond remained till the time of 
 *' receiving his intereft drew nigh. — But alas-! 
 ♦' — the rain which had done no mifchicf to 
 " his gold, had found out his papcr-ftcurity, and 
 *■'■ had rotted it to pieces!" — It would be a 
 difficult matter to paint tlie diftrefs of the old 
 countryman upon this difcovery; — l.e came tome 
 weeping, and begged my advice and alTiftance! 
 — it cut nic to the heart ! 
 
 Frame
 
 i66 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 Frame to yourielf the p,j(fliire of a man np- 
 ■Wards of fixty years of age — who having with 
 •much peniiry and more toil, with the addition 
 of a fmali legacy, fcraped together about four- 
 fcore pounds to fupport him in the infirmities of 
 old age, and to be a little portion for his child 
 "when he fhould be dead and gone — loft his little 
 hoard ot once ; and to aggravate his misfortime, 
 by his own negleft and incaution. — " If I was 
 ** young, Sir, (faid he) my affliciion would have 
 
 *' been light and I might have obtained it 
 
 *' again! ^but I have lofl my comfort when 
 
 *' I moft v/anted it I — my flaff is taken from me 
 *' when I cannot go alone; and I have nothing 
 " to expedl in future life, but the unwilling 
 *' charity of a Parifh-Officer.". — Never in my 
 whole life, did I wifh to be rich, with fo 
 good a grace, as at this time ! — What a luxury 
 would it have been to have faid to this affli(fl- 
 ed fellow creature, — " There is thy money 
 —go thy ways — and be at peace." — Bur, alas! 
 the Shandy family were never much encumbered 
 with money; and I (the pooreft of them all) 
 could only affift him with good council: — but I 
 did not flop here. — I went myfelf with him to 
 *****, wiiere by perfuafion, threats, and I'ome 
 art, which (by the bye) in fuch a caufe, and 
 
 with
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERXE. 167 
 
 with fuch ail opponent, was very jullifiablc — 
 I i'ent my poor client back to his home, with 
 his comfort and his bond reilored to him.-.^ 
 Bravo 1 — bravo 1 
 
 If a man lias a right to be proud of any 
 thing, — it is of a good aclion, done as it ought 
 to be, M'ithout any bale intereft lurking at the 
 bottom of it. 
 
 LETTF.R VI. TO HIS FRIENDS. 
 
 A SUBJECT FOR COMPASSION. 
 
 T F there is a cafe under heaven which calls 
 out aloud for the more immediate exercife of 
 companion, and which may be looked upon as 
 the compendinm of all charity, furely it is this : 
 and 1 am perfuaded there would want nothing 
 more to convince the greatest enemy to thefe 
 kind of charities that it is fo, but a bare oppor- 
 tunity of taking a nearer view of fome of the 
 more dilireisf ul objects of it. 
 
 Let him go into the dwellings of the unfor- 
 tuiu»tc, into fome mournful cottage, where 
 
 poverty
 
 i68 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE.- 
 
 poverty and affli(Stion reign together. There let 
 him behold the difconfolate widow — fitting— 
 fteeped in tears ; — thus forrowing over the in- 
 fant Ihe knows not how to fuccour. " O my 
 
 *' child, thou art now left expofed to a wide 
 *' and a vicious world, too full of fnares and 
 *' temptations for thy tender and unpradlifed 
 *' age. Perhaps a parent's love may magnify 
 
 ** thofe dangers but when I confider thou 
 
 ** art driven out naked into the midft cf them 
 *' without friends, without fortune, without in- 
 *' ftru6lion, my heart bleeds beforehand for the 
 *' evils which may come upon thee. God, in 
 *' whom we trufted, is witnefs, fo low had his 
 " providence placed us, that we never indulged 
 *^ one wifh to have made thee rich, — virtu- 
 *' ous we would have made thee ; — for thy fa- 
 *' ther, my hujband^ was a good nian^ and feared 
 " the Lordy — and though all the fruits of his 
 " care and induftry were little enough for cur 
 " fupport, yet he honeftly had determined 
 '< to have fpared feme portion of it, fcanty 
 *' as it was, to have placed thee fafely in the 
 ** way of knowledge and inftru6lion — But alas! 
 ** he is gone from us, never to return more, 
 *' and with him are fled the means of doing it: 
 *< —for. Behold the creditor is come u^ofi us, to 
 
 <* take
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 169 
 
 *■* take all that ive have.'''' Grief is eloquent, 
 and will not eafily be imitated. — But let the man 
 who is the leall friend to diflrcflcs of this nature, 
 conceive ibme dilconfolate widow uttering her 
 complaint even in this manner, and then let him 
 conllder, if there is any forroiu like this forrow^ 
 ivherewith the Lord has nfiic'led her P or whether 
 there can be any charity like that, of taking 
 the child out of the mothcr^s bofom^ and refcuing 
 her from thefe apprehenfions ? Should a hea- 
 tlicn, a flranger to our holy religion and the 
 love it teached, fliould he, as he journey ed^ come 
 to the place where she lay, when he faxu^ would 
 he not have compafjlon en her ? God forbid a 
 Cliriitian (hould this day want it ! or at any time 
 look upon luch a diftrefs, and pnfs by on the other 
 fide. Rather let him do, as his Savioi r taught 
 him, bind up the wounds^ and pour comfort into 
 the heart of one, whom the hand of God has I'o 
 bruiled. Let him praftife what it is, with Eli- 
 jah's trmfport, to fay to the affli<fted widow, — 
 See^ thy Son liveth ! livcth by my charity, and 
 the bounty of this hour, to all the purpofcs 
 whidi make life dc^iraMc, — to be made a good 
 man, and a profitable fuljjecfl : on one hand, to 
 be trained up to fuch a fenic of his duty, as may 
 fccure hun an intcrcft in the world to come t 
 
 (!_ and
 
 lyo THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 and with regard to this world, to be fo brought 
 up in it to a love of honeft labour and induftry, 
 as all his life long to earn and eat his bread with 
 joy and thankfulnefs. 
 
 SERMON V. PAGE 112. 
 
 COMPASSION. 
 
 T CANNOT conceive but that the very me- 
 chanical motions which maintain life, mud 
 be performed with more equal vigour and free- 
 dom in that man whom a great and good foul 
 perpetually inclines to fhew mercy to the mife- 
 rable, than they can be in a poor, fordid, fellifh 
 wretch, whofe little contrafted heart melts at 
 no man's affli»5lion ; but fits brooding fo intently 
 over its own plots and concerns, as to fee and 
 feel nothing ; and in truth, enjoy nothing be- 
 yond himfelf : and of whom wie may fay what 
 that great mafter of nature has, fpeaking 
 of a natural fenfe of harmony, which I think 
 with more juftice may be faidof compaffion, that 
 the man who had it not,— — 
 
 . —Was 
 
 I
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 171 
 
 — Was fit for treafons, ftratagems and fpoils : 
 The MOTIONS of his fpirits are dull as night ; 
 And his affections dark as krf.bus : 
 
 — Let no fuch man be tnifled: 
 
 SERMON V. p. 102 
 
 H A P P I N E S S. 
 
 f~r H E great piirfuit of man is after happinefs: 
 it is the firft and flrongefk defire of his na- 
 ture ; — in every ftage of his life, he fearches for 
 it as for hid treafure ; — courts it under a thou- 
 fand diiTercnt fhapes, — and though perpetually 
 difappointed, — ftill perfifts, — runs after and en- 
 quires for it afrefh — alks every pafTenger who 
 comes in his way, W/io will/Jiew him any good ? 
 who will afTift liim in the attainment of it or di- 
 rect him to the diicovery of this great end of all 
 his wiHics ? 
 
 He is told by one to fearch for it among the 
 more gay and youthful plcafures of life, in fcencs 
 of mirth and fpriglitlinef'j, where happinefs ever 
 prtfiiles, and is ever to be known by the joy and 
 laughter which lie will fee at once painted in her 
 looks. A fecond, with a graver afpect, points 
 
 Q^ ^, out
 
 17Z THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 out to the coftly dwellings which pride and ex- 
 travagance have erected : — tells the enquirer that 
 the objeft he is in f'earch of inhabits there, — that 
 happinefs lives only in company with the great^ 
 in the midft of much pomp and outward ftate. 
 That he will eafily hnd her out by the coat of 
 many colours file has on, and the great luxury 
 and expenfe of equipage an I furniture with 
 which {he always fits furrounded. 
 
 TlfeMifer blefTes God ! — wonders how any 
 one would miflead and wilfully put him upon fo 
 wrong a fcent — convinces him that happinefs 
 and extravagance never inhabited under the 
 fame roof; — that if he would not be difappoint- 
 ed in his fearch, he muftiook into the plain and 
 thrifty dwelling of the prudent man, who knows 
 and underrtands the worth of money, and cau- 
 tiouily lays it up againfl an evil hour ; that it is 
 not the proftitution of wealth upon the paliions, 
 or the parting with it at all that conflitutes hap- 
 pinefs — but that it is the keeping it together, 
 and the j^abing and il;oItiing it faft to him and 
 his heirs for ever, which are the chief attri- 
 butes that form this great idol of human wor- 
 ihip, to which fo much inceufe is offered up 
 every day. 
 
 The
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. .173 
 
 The Epicure, though he eaiily redlifics' lb 
 grofs a miflake, yet at the fame time he plunges 
 him, ifpofTible, into a greater ; for hearing the 
 object of his purfuit to be happinefs, and know- 
 ing of no other happinefs tlian what is featcd 
 immediately in his fenfes — he fends tlie enquirer 
 there; — tells him 'tis in vain to fearch elfewhere 
 for it, than where nature herfelf has placed it — 
 in the indulgence and gratification of the appe- 
 tites, which are given us for that end: and in a 
 word — if he will not take his opinion in the 
 matter — he may trult the word of a much wifer 
 man, who has afTured us — that there is nothing 
 better in this world, than that a man fhonld cat 
 and drink and rejoice in his works, and make hLs 
 foul enjoy good in his labour — for that is liis 
 portion. 
 
 To refcuc him from this brutal experiment 
 — ambition takes liim by the hand and can-ifs 
 him into the world, — fliews him all the king- 
 doms of the eartii and the glory of thf^m, — 
 points out the many ways of advancing his for- 
 tune and raifing himfelf to honour, — lays before 
 his eyes all the charms and bewitching tempta- 
 tions of power, and a(ks if there can be any 
 liappincfs in this world like that of being ca- 
 icfled, courted, flattered, and followed? 
 
 ^J To
 
 J 74 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 To clofe all, thephilofopher meets him buftling 
 in the full career of this purfuit — flops him — 
 tells him, if he is in fearch of happinefs, he is 
 far gone out of his way. That this deity has 
 long; been banifhed from noife and tumults, where 
 there was no reft found for her, and was fled 
 into folitude far from all commerce of the world; 
 and, in a word, if he would find her, he mvift 
 leave this bufy and intriguing fcene, and go 
 back to that peaceful fcene of retirement and 
 books, from which he firft fet out. 
 
 In this circle too often does a man run, tries 
 all experiments, and generally fits down wearied 
 and difTatisfied with them all at laft — in utter 
 defpair of ever accomplifliing what he wants 
 — nor knowing what to truft to after fo many 
 difappointments ; or where to lay the fault, 
 whether in the incapacity of his own nature, 
 or in the infufliciency of the enjoyments them- 
 felves. 
 
 SERMON I. P. I, 
 
 TRIBUl E
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERiNE. i 
 
 / J 
 
 TRIBUTE OF AFFECTION. 
 
 VfY heart ftops me to pay to thee, my dear 
 uncle Toby^ once for all, the tribute I owe 
 thy goodnefs ; — here let me thruft my chair 
 aiide, and kneel down upon the ground, wliillt 
 I am pouring forth the warmeft lentiments of 
 love for thee, and veneration for the excellency 
 of thy character, that ever virtue and nature 
 
 kindled in a nephew's bolbm. Peace and 
 
 comfort reft for evermore upon thy head i-— 
 Thou enviedft no naan's comforts, — iiiiultedlt 
 no man's opinions. — Thoublackenedft no man's 
 charafter,— devouredfl no man's bread : gently, 
 with faithful J'rim behind tliee, didft thou amble 
 round the little circle of thy plcafurcs, jofUing 
 no creature in thy way: — for each one's fer- 
 yice thou hadft a tear, — for each man's need, 
 thou hadit a fliilling. \Niiiht I am worth one, 
 to pay a wecder, — thy path from thy door to 
 thy bowling green (h-ill never be grown up.— 
 W'hilft there is a rood and a half oi land in the 
 Shandy family, tliy fortiHcations, my dear imcle 
 Toby^ fliall never be dcmolidi'd. 
 
 T. SHANDY, VOL. 11. IHAP. 27. 
 
 POW Ell
 
 176 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE, 
 
 POWER OF SLIGHT INCIDENTS. 
 
 TT is curious to obfervethe triumph of flight in- 
 cidents over the mind ; — ^What incredible 
 weight they have in forming and governing our 
 opinions, both of men and things — that trifles 
 light as air, fiiall v/aft a belief into the foul, 
 and plant it fo immoveable within it, — that 
 Euclid's demcnflrations, could they be brought 
 to batter it in breach, fhould not all have power 
 to overthrow it. 
 
 T. SHANDY, VOL. 2. CHAP. 62. 
 
 CROSSES IN LIFE. 
 
 Ti /T ANY, many are the ups and downs of life, and 
 fortune mufl be uncommonly gracious to that 
 mortal who does not experience a great variety 
 of them : — though perhaps to thefe may be 
 owing as much of our pleafures as our pains : 
 there are fcenes of delight in the vale as well 
 as the mountain ; and the inec^ualities of na- 
 ture
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 177 
 nire may not be lels ncceflary to pleafe the 
 eye — than the varieties of life to improve the 
 heart. At bdt we are but a fliort-fjghted race 
 of beings, with juft light enough to dii'cern our 
 way — to do that is our <luty, and Ihould be our 
 care ; when a man has done this, he is fafe, the 
 rcrt is of little c 011ft que ncc — 
 
 Cover hi i head with a Hn-f or a ft one j 
 It is all owt, // // a/I one! 
 
 LtTTilR IV. TO KIS FRIENDS. 
 
 THE CONTRAST. 
 
 TAKINGS are carried on in this world, fome- 
 times fo contrary to all our reafonings, and 
 tlie fecming probaiMlitits of fuccels, — that even 
 the race is not to the I'wift, nor the battle to 
 tiic ftrong;— -nay, what is flranger fUli — nor 
 yec bread to the wife, who Ihoiild lalt Hand in 
 wont 01 it,— nor yet riches tjo the men of un«. 
 dtnlanding, who you would think bcft qualiried 
 to ;n quire them, — nor yet favour to men of Ikill, 
 v.'hofe merit ajid pretences bid the faircll for it, — 
 but that rhtTcr are fomc fccret and unlu.n workings 
 
 iu
 
 178 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 in human affairs, which baffle all our endeavours, 
 and turn alide the courle of things in ftich a man- 
 ner, — that the moft likely caufes difappoint and 
 fail of producing for us the effeft which we 
 wilhed, and naturally expe<5ted from them. 
 
 You will fee a man, of whom was you to 
 form a conjei5lure from the appearances of 
 things in his favour, — you wotild fay was fet- 
 ting out in the world, with the faireft profpe<5t 
 of making his fortune in it ; — with all the ad- 
 vantages of birth to recommend him, — of 
 perfonal merit to fpeak for him, — and of 
 friends to pufh him forwards : you will behold 
 him, notwithftanding this, difappointed in 
 every effeft you might naturally have looked 
 for, from them; every ftep he takes towards 
 his advancement, fomething invifible Ihall pull 
 him back, fome unforefeen obftacle fhall rife up 
 perpetually in his way, and keep there. — In eve- 
 ry application he makes — ^fome untoward cir- 
 cumftance fliall blafl it. — He fhall rife early, — 
 late take reft, — and eat the bread of carefiilnefs, 
   — yet fome happier man fliall ftili rife up, and 
 ever itep in before him, and leave him fti-uggling 
 to the end of his life, in the very fame place in 
 which he hrft began it. 
 
 The
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 179 
 
 The hiftory of a I'econd, lliall in all refpecSls 
 be the contridl to this. He fliall come mto the 
 world with the moil unproinifi; g appearance,— 
 lliall fet forwards without fortune, without 
 friends, — without talents to procure him either 
 the one or the other. Nevtrthelefs, you will 
 fee this clouded profpect brighten up iiifenfibly, 
 unaccountably before him ; every thing prcfent- 
 ed in his way Ihall turn out beyond his expecla- 
 tions, in fpite of that chain of unfurmountable 
 difficulties which hril threatened him, — time 
 and chance fhall open him a wa) , — a ferics of 
 fuccefsful occurrences ftiail lead him by the hand 
 to the fummit of honour and fortune, and, in a 
 word, without giving him the pains of thinkino^, 
 or the credit of projecting, it (hall place him in 
 a fafe pofleflion of all that ambition could wifli 
 for. 
 
 StRMON VIII. PAGE I52. 
 
 SELITjIINESS
 
 i8o THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 ^HLFISHNESS AND MEANNESS. 
 
 npHAT there is felfiftnefs and meannefs enough 
 in tht fouls of one part of the world, 
 to hurt the credit of the other part of it, is 
 what 1 Ihall not difpute againft ; but to judge of 
 the whole from this bad fample, and becaufe 
 one man is plotting and artful in his nature ; — 
 or, a fecond openly makes his pleafure or his 
 profit the whole center of all his cefigns ; — or 
 becaufe a third flrait-hearted wretch fits con- 
 fined within himfelf, — feels no misfortunes, but 
 thoie which touch himfelf; to involve the whole 
 race without mercy under fuch detefted charac- 
 ters, is a conclufion as falfe as it is pernicious ; 
 and was it in general to gain credit, could ferve 
 no end, but the rooting out of our nature all 
 that is generous, and planting in the fttad of it 
 fuch an averfion to each othrr, as mufr imtie the 
 bands offociety, and rob us of one of the great- 
 tii pleafures of it, the mutual communications 
 of kind offices ; and by poifoning the fountain, 
 rendering every thing fulpe^ted that flows 
 through it. SERMON VII, PAGE i^y. 
 
 VICE
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. i8i 
 
 VICE NOT WITHOUT USE. 
 
 'T'HE lives of bad men are not without life,— 
 and whenever fuch a one is drawn, not 
 with a corrupt view to be admired, — but on 
 purpofe to be detected — it muft excite fuch a 
 horror againlt vice, as will ftrike indiretftly the 
 fame good impreflion. And though it is painful 
 to the laft degree to paint a man in the (hades 
 wliich his vices have cart upon him, yet when 
 it ferves tliis end, it carries its own excufewith it. 
 
 SERMON IX. PAGE I73. 
 
 EFFECTS OF MISFORTUNE. 
 
 \X 7HAT by fucceflive misfortunes; by fail- 
 '"8^ **"'' crofs accidents in trade; by mif- 
 carriage of projects : — what by imfuitable ex- 
 pences of parents, extravagances of children, and 
 the many other fee ret ways whereby riches 
 make themlclves wings and fly away ; fo many 
 furpriling revolutions do every day happen in 
 
 K iumillM^
 
 1 82 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 families, that it may not feem flrange to fay, 
 that the pofterity of feme of the moft liberal con- 
 tributors here, in the changes which one century 
 may produce, may pofiibly find flielter under this 
 very plant which now they fo kindly w-ater. 
 Nay, fo quickly fometimes has the wheel turn- 
 ed round, that many a man has lived to enjoy 
 the benefit of that charity which his own piety 
 proje(5led. 
 
 SERMON V. PAGE 98. 
 
 YORICK'S OPINION OF GRAVITY. 
 
 COIMETIMES, in his wild way of talking, 
 he would fay that gravity was an errant 
 fcoundrel ; and he would add, of the moft dan- 
 gerous kind too, — becaufe a fly one ; and that 
 he verily believed, more honeft, well-meaning 
 people were bubbled out of their goods and mo- 
 ney by it in one twelvemonth, than by pocket- 
 picking and fhop-lifting in feven. In the naked 
 temper which a merry heart difcovei'ed, he 
 would fay, there was no danger, — -but to itfelf : j 
 ■—whereas the very eflence of gravity was dc- 
 fign, and confequently deceit ; — 'twas a taught 
 
 trick
 
 TPIE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 183 
 
 trick to gain credit of the world for more fenlb 
 and knowledge than a man was worth ; and 
 that, with all its pretenfions, — it was no better, 
 but often worfe tlun what a French wit had 
 long ago defined it, viz. — A niylterious car- 
 riage of the body to cover the defects of the 
 mind. 
 
 T. SHANDY, VOL. I. C. II. 
 
 REFLECTION UPON lAUN. 
 
 T^fHEN I reflect upon man ; and take a view 
 of that dark fide of him which reprefents 
 his life as open to fo many caufes of trouble — 
 when 1 confider how oft we eat the bread of af- 
 flivftion, and that we are born to it, as to the 
 portion of our inheritance— when one runs over 
 the catalorrue of all the crofs reckonings and for- 
 
 ts 
 
 ngs 
 
 rowful items with which the heart of man is 
 over-charged, 'tis wonderful by wliat hidden 
 refources the mind is enabled to flaud it out, and 
 bear itfelf up, a3 it docsi againfl the impolitions 
 laid upon our nature. 
 
 r. SHANDY, VOL. II. CHAP. 42. 
 
 R 2 REVENGE.
 
 J 84 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 REVENGE. 
 
 T> E V E N G E from Come baneful corner ihall 
 level a tale of difhonour at thee, which no 
 innocence of heart or integrity of cond\i(?L fliall 
 fet right. 
 
 — The fortunes of thy houfe fliall totter, — 
 thy character, which led the way to them, fhall 
 bleed on every fide of it, — thy faith queflioned, 
 — thy works belied, — thy wit forgotten, — thy 
 learning trampled on. To wind up the laft fcene 
 of thy tragedy, cruelty and cowardice, twin 
 ruffians, hired and fet on by malice in the dark, 
 ihall flrike together at all thy infirmities and 
 miftakes: the beft of us, lie open there, — and 
 truft me, — truft me, — when, to gratify a private 
 appetite, it is once refolved upon, that an inno- 
 cent and aft helplefs creature fhall be facrificed, 
 'tis an eafy matter to pick up flicks enow from 
 any thicket where it has fh'ayed, to make a fire 
 to offer it up with. 
 
 T. SHANDY, V. I. C. 12. 
 
 EJACULATION.
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. i8j 
 
 EJACULATION. 
 
 'T' I M E wafles too fafl : e\'ery letter 1 trace 
 tells me with what rapidity life follows my 
 pen ; the days and hours of it, more precious, 
 my dear Jenny ! tlian the rubies about thy neck, 
 are flying over our heads like light clouds of a 
 windy day, never to return more — every thing 
 prcfles on — wliiUt thou art twilHng that lock, — 
 lee! it grows grey; and every time I kifs thy 
 hand to bid adieu, and every abfcnce which fol- 
 lows it, are preludes to that eternal {cparatii»n 
 which we are (hortly to make. 
 
 T. SHAVDY, v. IV. C. 67, 
 
 FATALITY. 
 
 "T* H E R E is a fatality attends the actions of 
 fome men: order them as tliey will, they 
 pafs through a certain medium which To twiib 
 and refracts them from their true dire<ilions— 
 that, with all the titles to prail'e which a redi- 
 tude of licart can give, the ducrs of them are 
 nevcrthclcfs forced to live and die without it. 
 
 i". SHANUY, v. 1. f. 10, 
 
 CONJUGAL
 
 i86 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 CONJUGAL HAPPINESS. 
 
 T T mufl: have been obferved by many a peri- 
 pateric philofopher, that nature has fet up 
 by her own unqueftionable authority certain 
 boundaries and fences to circumfcribe the difcon- 
 tent of man : Ihe has effedted her purpofe in the 
 quieteft and eafieft manner by laying him under 
 almoft infuperable obligations to work out his 
 eafe, and to fuftain his fvifterings at home. It is 
 tUei'e only that fhe has provided him with the 
 raoft fuitable objects to partake of his happinefs^ 
 and bear a part of that burden whicb, in all 
 countries and ages, has ever been too heavy for 
 one pair of fliouldei-s. 'Tis true we are endued 
 with an iniperfeft power of fpreading our hap- 
 pinefs fometimes beyond her limits, but 'tis io 
 ordered, that from tlie want of languages, con- 
 nexions, and dependencies, and from the diffe- 
 rence in education, cultoms and liabits, we lie 
 under fo many impediments in communicating 
 our fenfations out of our own fphere, as often 
 amount to a total impoffib.Iity.. 
 
 SEN. JOURNEY, P. 1 3. 
 
 LIFE
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 187 
 
 LIFE. 
 
 \\l H A T is the life of man! is it not to ftiift 
 
 from fide to fide ! from forrow to 
 
 forrow? — to button up one caufc of vexation; — 
 and unbutton another! 
 
 T. SHANDY, VOL. U. CHAP. 66» 
 
 TRIM'S EXPLANATION 
 
 OF T H I 
 
 FIFTH C O M .M A N D i\l E N T. 
 
 JR'YTHEE, Trim^ quoth my fatlicr,, 
 — Wiiat do'}t thou mean, by " honour^ 
 
 iHg thy father and mother /"' 
 
 Allowing them, an' plcafe your honour, three 
 halfpence a-day out of my pay, when they grow 
 ohl. — And didll thou do that, Tr/w^ iaid Suriclf. 
 
 lie did indeed, replied my uncle Teby. — 
 
 Then
 
 1 88 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 Then, Trim, faid Yorick, fpringing out of his 
 chair, and taking the Corporal by the hand, 
 thou art the beft commentator upon that part of 
 the Decalogue ; and I honour thee more for it, 
 Corporal Trim, than if thou hadft had a hand 
 in the Talmud itfelf. 
 
 T. SHANDY, VOL. III. CHAP. 32. 
 
 HEALTH. 
 
 /^ BlefTed health ! thou art above all gold and 
 treafure ; 'tis thou who enlargeft the foul,, 
 —and openeft all it's powers to receive inflruc- 
 tion, and to relifh virtue. — He that has thee has 
 little more to wifii for ! and he that is fo wretch- 
 ed as to want thee, — wants every thing witU 
 thee^ 
 
 T. SHANDY, VOL. III. CHAP. 33. 
 
 LOVE. 
 
 ''X'lS fweet to feel by what fine-fpun threads 
 our afte<5lions are drawn together. 
 
 SEN, JOUR. p. 126. 
 SOLITUDE
 
 THE BE.AUTIES Of STERNE. 189 
 
 SOLITUDE. 
 
 /^RO\\'DED towns, and bufy focietics, may 
 delight tlie unthinking, and the gay — but 
 folitude is the bell nurfe ofwii'dom. 
 
 LETTER 111. TO HIS FRIINUS. 
 
 TRIBULATION. 
 
 TTHE way to Fame is like the way to Heaven 
 — through much tribulation. 
 
 LETTER IX. 
 
 FRIENDSHIP. 
 
 ■[FRIENDSHIP is the balm and cordial of life, 
 and without it, 'tis a heavy load not worth 
 rultaining. 
 
 LETTER LXXX. 
 
 SOLITUDE
 
 ipo THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 SOLITUDE. 
 
 1 N folitude the mind gains fbrength, and learns 
 to lean uponhcrfelf: — in the world it feeks 
 or accepts of a few treacherous fupports — the 
 feigned compaflion of one — the flattery of a 
 lecond — the civilities of a third — the friend- 
 ftiip of a fourth— they all deceive, and bring 
 the mind back to retirement, refie^lion, and 
 books. 
 
 LETTER LXXXIl. 
 
 FLATTERY. 
 
 •r\ELIClOUS eflence ! how refrefliing art 
 thou to natui'e ! how ftrongly are all its 
 powers and all its weaknefTes on thy fide ! how 
 fweetly doft thou mix with the blood, and help 
 it through the moft difficult and tortuous paf- 
 fages to the heart. 
 
 SEN. JOUR, p. 210. 
 
 PERFECTION.
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. i^i 
 
 PERFECTION. 
 
 TV/fAN has a certain compafs, as well as an in- 
 Ih-ument ; and the fecial and other calls 
 have occalion by turns for every key in him ; fo 
 that if you begin a note too high or too low, 
 there muft be a want either in the upper or un- 
 der part, to fill up the fyftem of harmony.- . * 
 A poliflied nation makes every one its debtor ; 
 and befides, urbanity itfelf, like the fair fex, has 
 i'o many charms, it goes agaiufl the heart to fay 
 it can do ill ; and yet, I believe, there is but a 
 certain line of perfeclion, that man, take him al- 
 togetlicr, is empowered to arrive at -if he 
 gets beyond, he ratlicr exchanges qualities, than 
 gets them. I mufl not prefume to fay, how far 
 this has afl"e<5ted the French — But fliould it ever 
 be the cafe of the Englifli, in the progrefs of 
 their refcntments, to arrive at the fame poli/Ii 
 which diftinguiflies the French, if we did not 
 lofe the politejfe de caitr^ which inclines men 
 more to humane atflions, than cou)-teous ones— 
 vie fhould at leaft lofe that diftin<ft variety and 
 originality of character, which dlAinguifhes 
 
 them,
 
 t92 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 them, not only from each other, but from all 
 the world befides. 
 
 SEN. JOUR. P. 171. 
 
 FOR GIVENESS. 
 
 nPHE brave only know how to forgive ; — it is 
 the moil refined and generous pitch of virtue 
 human nature can arrive at. — Cowards have 
 done good and kind adlions *, — cowards have 
 even fought — nay fometimes even conquered ; 
 but a coward never forgave. — It is not in his 
 nature ; — the power of doing it flows only from 
 a ftrength and greatnefs of foul, confcious of its 
 own force and fecurity, and above the little 
 temptations of refenting every fruitlefs attempt 
 to interrupt its happinefs. 
 
 SERM. XII. p. 244. 
 
 *^Chriflian Hero. 
 
 FAVOUR
 
 THE BE.^UTIES OF STtlLNI-. 193 
 
 FAVOURS. 
 
 TN returning favours, we at^ differently from 
 what we do in conferring them : in the one 
 cate we {imply confider what is befl, — in the 
 other what is moft acceptable. The reafon is, 
 that we have a rigiit to act according to our 
 own ideas of what will do the party moft good, 
 in the cafe where we beftow a favour ; — but 
 wiicre we return one, we lofe this right, and 
 acl according to his conceptions, who has 
 obliged us, and endeavour to repiiy in Aich a 
 manner as we think it mod likely to be accept- 
 ed in difcharge of the obligation. 
 
 SERM. xiti. p. 260. 
 
 RUSTIC FELICITY. 
 
 AT ANY arc the filent pleafures of the honell 
 peafant; who rifcs cheerfully to his la- 
 bour : — look into his dwelling, — where the 
 fccnc of every man's happincls chiefly lies ; — 
 
 S he
 
 194 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 he has the fame domeftic endearments, — as 
 much joy and comfort in his children, — and as 
 flattering hopes of their doing well, — to en- 
 liven his hours, and glad his heart, as you could 
 conceive in the moft affluent ftation. — And I 
 make no doubt, in general, but if the true ac- 
 count of his joys and fulferings were to be bal- 
 lanced with thofe of his betters, — that the up- 
 fliot would prove to be little more than this, — 
 that the rich man had the more meat,— but the 
 poor man the better ftomach ; — the one had 
 more luxury, — more able phyficians to attend 
 and fet him to rights ; — the other, more health 
 and foundnefs in his bones, and lefs occafion 
 for their help ; — that, after thefe two articles 
 betwixt them were balanced, — in all other things 
 they flood upon a level : — that the fun fhines as 
 warm, — the air b!ows as frefli, and the earth 
 breathes as fragrant upon the one as the other ; 
 and that they have an equal fhare in all the 
 beauties and real benefits of nature. 
 
 SERM. XLiv. p. 260. 
 
 DIFFERENCE
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. J95 
 
 Diri'ERENCE IN MEN. 
 
 "P)0\'ERTY, exile, lofs of fame or friends, the 
 death of children, the deareft of all pledges 
 of a man's happincfs, make not equal imprelfions 
 uponevcrytempcr.—You will fee one man under- 
 go, with fcarce the expence of a figh, — what 
 another, in the bittcrnefs of his foul, would go 
 mourning for all his life long: — nay, a hafly 
 word, or an unkuid look, to a loft and tender 
 nature, will llrike deeper than a fword to the 
 hardened and fenfelefs. — If thefe rcfledtions hold 
 true with regard to misfortunes, — they are the 
 fame with regard to enjoyments: — we are form- 
 ed ditlerently, — have diiferent tades and percep- 
 tions of things ; — by the force of habit, educa- 
 tion, or a particular call of mind, — it happens 
 that neither the ufe or poflellion of the fame en- 
 joyments and advantages, produce the lame hap- 
 pinefs and contentment ; — but that it ditlers in 
 every nian almoft according to his temper and 
 •omplcxion: fo that tlie fclf-fame happy acci- 
 dents in life, which fliall give raptures to the 
 choleric or (iinguine man, (hall be received with 
 
 indillercncc
 
 196 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 indifference by the cold and phlegmatic; — and 
 fo oddly perplexed are the accounts of both hu- 
 man happinefs and mifery in this world, — that 
 trifles, light as air, fliall be able to make the 
 hearts of fome men fmg for joy; — at the fame 
 time that others, w ith real bleffings and advan- 
 tages, without the poM'er of iifing them, have 
 their hearts heavy and difcontented« 
 
 Alas ! if the principles of contentment are 
 not within us, — the height of ftation and 
 worldly grandeur will as foon add a cubit to a 
 man's ftature as to his happinefs. 
 
 SERMON XLXV. P. 258 
 
 AGAINST HASTY OPINION. 
 
 r-Tp 
 
 HERE are numbers of circumftances 
 which attend every a»5lion of a man's life, 
 which can never come to the knowledge of the 
 world, — yet ought to be known, and well 
 weighed, before fentence with any juftice can be 
 parted upon him. — A man may have dilferent 
 views and a different fenfe of things from what 
 his judges have ; and what Ue imderllands and 
 
 feels
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 197 
 
 feels and what paifcs within him, may be a fecret 
 treafurcd up deeply tht re for ever. — A man, 
 through bodily infirmity, or fome compleiH-ional 
 defccft, which perhaps is not in his power to 
 corre<ft, mav be fubjccl to inadvertencies, — to 
 Ibrts — and unhappy turns of temper ; he may 
 lay open to fnares he is not always aware of ; 
 or, tlirough ignorance and want of information 
 and proper helps, he may labour in tlie dark: — 
 in all which cafes, he may do many things which 
 are VTong in thcmfelves, and yet be innocent ; 
 — at leall an objet't rather to be pitied than cen- 
 lured with fcvcrity and ill will. — Thcfe are 
 difficulties which ftaiul in every one's way in 
 the forming a judgment of the characters of 
 others. 
 
 SERMON XLIV. P. 2jJ. 
 
 VANITY. 
 
 \/ANlTY bids all her fons to be generous and 
 brave, — and her daughters to be chafte and 
 courteous. — But why do we want her inrtruc- 
 tions? — .AJv the comedian who is tauglit apart 
 he feels not. — 
 
 StRMO.N X\ll, J'At.r, 4J. 
 
 S 3 /JtECTED
 
 198 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 AFFECTED HONESTY. 
 
 T OOK out of your door,— take notice of that 
 man: fee what difquieting, intrigumg, and 
 fliifting, he is content to go through, merely to 
 be thought a man of plain-dealing: — three 
 grains of honefly would fave him all this trouble 
 ——alas 1 he has them not 
 
 SERMON XVII, PAGE, 45. 
 
 AFFECTED PIETY. 
 
 TD EHOLD a fecond, under a fhow of piety 
 hiding the impunities of a debauched lifei 
 —he is juft entering the houfe of God: — would 
 he was more pure— or lefs pious : — but then he 
 could not gain his point. 
 
 IBID. PAGE, 46* 
 
 AFFECTED
 
 THE BE.U'TIES OF STERNE. 399 
 
 AFFECTED SANCTITY. 
 
 A BSERVE a third going on almoft in tl>e 
 fame track, with what an inflexible fanc- 
 titv of deportment he Tnitains himfelf as he ad» 
 vances: — every line in his face writes abrtinence; 
 — every ftride looks like a check upon his de- 
 fires: fee, 1 bcfeech you, how he is cloakM up 
 with fermons, prayers, and facraments; and fo 
 bernuffled with the externals of religion, that he 
 has not a hand to fpare for a worldly purpofc; — 
 he has armour at leaft — Why does he put it on ? 
 Is there no ferving Ged without all tWs? Mud 
 the garb of rehgion be extended fo wide to the 
 danger of its rending? — Yes truly, or it will 
 not hide the fecret — and, what is that? — That 
 tlic faint has no religion at all. 
 
 SERMON XVII p. 46 
 
 OSTE^jTATIOLS
 
 aoo THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE, 
 
 OSTENTATIOUS GENEROSITY. 
 
 — "DUT here comes generosity; giving — 
 not to a decayed artift — ^biit to the arts 
 
 and fciences themfelves. See, — he builds not 
 
 a chamber in the wall apart for the prophet ; 
 but whole fchools and colleges for thofe "who 
 come after. Lord ! how they will magnify his 
 name! — 'tis in capitals already; the firft — the 
 higheft, in the gilded rent-roll of every hofpital 
 and afylum. 
 
 One honeft tear flied in private over the 
 vinfortunate, is worth it all. 
 
 SERMON XVII. PAGE, 47. 
 
 OPINION. 
 
 T^7E are perpetually in fuch engagements 
 
 and fituations, that 'tis our duties to 
 
 fpeak what our opinions ^re — but God forbid 
 
 that this ever ihould be done but from its beft 
 
 motive—
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 201 
 
 motive — The fenfe of what is due to virtue, 
 governed by diJcretion and the utmort fcllow- 
 leeling: were we to go on othcrw ile, beginning 
 with the great broad cloak of hypocrify, and fo 
 down through all its little trimmings and fa- 
 cings^ tearing away without mercy all that 
 look'd leemly, — we fiiould leave but a tattcr'd 
 world of it. 
 
 SERMON XVII. p. JO 
 
 DEFAMATION, 
 
 TN O E S humanity clothe and aducate the 
 unknown orphan ? — Poverty thou hait no 
 genealogies : — See 1 is he not the father of 
 the child ? Thus do we rob heroes of the bcft 
 part of their glory — their virtue. Take away 
 the motive of the act, you take away all that 
 is wortli having in it ; — wrcil it to ungtiurovis 
 ends, you load the virtuous man who did it with 
 infamy : — undo it all — 1 befeech you: give liim 
 back his honour, — leftore the jewel you have 
 taken from Ijim — replace him in the eye of the 
 
 world 
 
 It IS too lute. i»m. p. £,2 
 
 TYRANNY.
 
 2 02 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 TYRANNY. 
 tT is the mild and quiet half of the world, 
 who are generally outraged and borne down 
 by the other half of it : but in this they have 
 the advantage ; whatever be the fenfe of their 
 wrongs, that pride Hands not lb watchful a cen- 
 tincl over their forgivenefs, as it does in the 
 breafts of the fierce and froward ; we fhould all 
 of us, I believe, be more forgiving tiian we are, 
 would the world but give us leave ; but it is apt 
 to interpofe its ill-offices in remiflions, efpecially 
 of this kind : the truth is, it has its 1 aws, to 
 which the heart is not always a party ; and a6ls 
 fo like an unfeeling engine in all cafes without 
 diftindlion, that it requires all the iirmnefs of the 
 moft fettled humanity to bear up againft it. 
 
 SERMON XVIII, P.6l. 
 
 RELIGION. 
 
 np HERE are no principles but thofe of reli- 
 gion to be depended on in cafes of real dil- 
 trefs, and that thefe are able to encounter the 
 worft emergencies ; and to bear us up under all 
 the changes and chances to which our life is 
 
 fubjec^. SERMON XV. p. 12. 
 
 ELOQUENCE
 
 THE BE.^UTIES OF STERNE. 203 
 
 E L O Q^U E N C E- 
 
 /'^REAT is the pov.cr of eloquence; but 
 
 never is it fo great as wlitn it pleads 
 
 along with nature, and the culprit is a child 
 
 ftrayed from his duty, and returned to it again 
 with tears. 
 
 SERMOS XX. p. lOI 
 
 GENEROSITY. 
 
 (^ ENEROSITY forrows as much for th; 
 overmatched, as Pity herfelf does. 
 
 IBID. 
 
 SOCIETY. 
 
 "^OTWrrHSJ-yANDING all we meet with in 
 
 books, in many of which, no doubt, there 
 
 are a good many handfome things faid upon tjie 
 
 fwcfts ol retirement, &c, • • • yet Ail! *' // // not 
 
 ** gcod
 
 204 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 " good for man to be alojie:^' nor can all which 
 the cold-hearted pedant ftuns our ears with upon 
 the lubje<5l, ever give one anfwer of fatisfatStion 
 to the mind ; in the midft of the loudeft vaunt- 
 ings of philofophy, Nature wUl have her yearn- 
 ings for fociety and friendlhip; a good heart 
 
 wants fome object to be kind to — and the beft 
 parts of our blood, and the pui-efl: of our fpirits, 
 fuffer moft under the deftitution. 
 
 Let the torpid monk feek heaven comfortlefs 
 
 and alone God fpeed him ! For my own 
 
 part, I fear, I ihould never fo find the way : let 
 
 me be wife and religious. but let me be 
 
 Man: wherever thy Providence places me, or. 
 whatever be the road I take to get to thee— • 
 give me fome companion in my journey, be it 
 only to remark to, How our fliadows lengthen as 
 the fun goes down ; — to whom I may fay. How 
 frefh is the face of Nature ! How fweet the 
 flowers of the field ! How delicious are thefe 
 fruits ! 
 
 SERMON XVIII. P. 60. 
 
 DISSATISFACTION
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. ioj 
 
 DISSATISFACTION. 
 
 T PITY tlic men whofe natural pltaluros arc 
 burdens, and wlio fly from joy (as thcle fple- 
 iieric and inorofe fouls do), as if it ^\ as really 
 an e\'il in itfelf. 
 
 bERMON XXII. p. 145. 
 
 » - 
 
 SomiOW AND HEAVINESS OF HEART. 
 
 T r there is an evil in this world, 'tis forrow 
 and heavinefs of heart. — The lofs of goods, 
 — of health, — of coronets and mitres, are vu\y 
 evil, as they occafion forrow; — take that out— 
 the reft is fancy, and dwelleth only in the heid 
 of man. 
 
 Poor unfortunate creature that he is! .i> i. 
 tlie caufes of auffuilli in the licart were not enow 
 — but he nnid liil up the mealure with tliolc- of 
 c.ipricc ; and not only walk in a vain (liadow, 
 — but dift)uict Ijimftlf in vain too. 
 
 We arc a rclUcfs fct of beings ; and as wc arc 
 likely to contimic fo to the end of tlic world, — 
 
 T ilic
 
 2o6 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 the beft we can do in it, is to make the fame ufe 
 of this part of our character, which wife men 
 
 do of other bad propenfities when they find 
 
 they cannot conquer them, — ^they endeavourj at 
 leaflj to divert them into good channels. 
 
 If therefore we muft be a folicitous race of 
 ielf-tormentors, — let us drop the common ob- 
 jects which make us fo, — and for God's fake be 
 folicitous only to live well. 
 
 SERMON XXII. p. 145. 
 
 ROOTED OPINION NOT EASILY 
 
 ERADICATED. 
 TTOW difficult you Mall find it to convince a 
 miferly heart, that any thing is good 
 which is not profitable? or a libertine one, that 
 any thing is bad, which is pleafant? 
 
 SERMON XXIII, PAGE, 163. 
 
 DEATH. 
 T^'HERE are many inftances of men, who have 
 received the news of death with the 
 greateft eafe of mind, and even entertained the 
 
 thoughts
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. ac; 
 
 thoughts of it with Iniiles upon their counte- 
 nances, — and this, either fromjlrcngth of I'pirits 
 and the natural cheerfuhiefs of their temper, — 
 or that they knew the world, and cared not for 
 it — ^or expected a better — yet thoul'ands of good 
 men, with all the helps of philofopJiy, and againll 
 all the alUiranccs of a wtll-lpcnt life, that the 
 change mufl be to their account, — upon the ap-. 
 proach of death have Ihll lean'd towards this 
 world, and wanted Ipirits and refolution to bear 
 the fliock of a feparation from it for ever. 
 
 SERMON XVII. PAGE, 37. 
 
 SORROW. 
 
 C WEET is the look of forrow for an offence, 
 
 in a heart deicrniined never to commit it 
 
 more 1 upon that alter only could I offer up 
 
 my wrongs. 
 
 SERMON XVIII. r. ().\. 
 
 T 2 SI.MrLICITY
 
 io8 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE, 
 
 SIMPLICITY- 
 
 CIMPLICITY is the great friend to Nature, 
 
 and if I would be proud of any thins in this- 
 
 filly world, it flioxitd be of this honeft alliance. 
 
 SEiiMON XXIV. p. 187. 
 
 COVETOUSNESS. 
 
 nnO know truly what it is, we muft know what 
 mafters it ierves ;^^they axe many, and of 
 various cafls and humours, — and each one lends 
 it fomething of its own complexional tint and 
 chara(5ler. 
 
 This, I fuppofe, may be the caufe that there is 
 A greater and more whimfical rayftcry in the 
 love of money, than in the darkcfl and moll 
 nonfenfical problem tli^.t pver was pored on. 
 
 Even at the beft, and when the paffion feems 
 to feek fomething more than its own amufement, 
 
 —there
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 209 
 — there is little — very little, 1 fear, to be faid, 
 for its humanity. — It may be a fport to the 
 Miier, — but confidcr, — it muft be death and 
 deftniclion to others. The moment this for- 
 did humour begins to govern — farewell all 
 honert and natural affe^ftionl fare\vx41, all he 
 owes to parents, to children, to friends!^— how 
 faft the obligations vanifh! fee — he is nowftrip- 
 pcd of all feelings whatever: — the fhrill cry of 
 jallice — and the low lamentation of hiimble 
 diftrcfs, are notes equally beyond his compafs. 
 
 Eternal God I fee '. — he pafics by one whom 
 
 thou haft juft bniifed, without one penfive reflec- 
 tion : — he enters tlic cabin of the widow whofe 
 hufband and child thou haft taken to thyfelf, — 
 exacts his bond, without a fighl — Heaven I if 
 1 am to be be tempted, — let it be by glory, — 
 by ambition, — by lome generous and manly 
 vice: — if 1 muft fall, let it be by fomc paffion 
 which thou haft planted in my nature, which 
 Ihall not harden my hean, but leave me room at 
 Lift to retreat and come back to thee I 
 
 SERMON XIX. PACE, 8l.. 
 
 HUMILITY
 
 210 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 HUMILITY. 
 
 "LJ E that is little in his own eyes, is little toa 
 in his defires, and confequently moderate in 
 his purfuit of them : like another man he may 
 fail in his attempts and lofe tlie point he aimed 
 at, — but that is all, — he lofes not himfelf, — he 
 lofes not his happinefs and peace of mind with 
 it, — even the contentions of the humble man are 
 mild and placid. — BlefTed characSler ! when fuch 
 a one is thruft back, who does not pity him ? 
 — when he falls, who would not Itretch out a. 
 hand to raife him up ? 
 
 SERMON XXV. p. ipj 
 
 PATIENCE AND CONTENTMENT. 
 
 13ATIENCE and Contentment, — Vvhich like the 
 trcafure hid in the field for which a man 
 fold all he had to purchafe — is of that price that 
 it cannot be had at too great a purchafe, fince 
 without it, the belt condition in life cannot make 
 
 us
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 21 1 
 
 us happy, — anJ witli it, it is impofllblc we 
 
 fliould be mirerable even in the worrt. 
 
 SERMON XV. p. 16.. 
 
 HUMILITY CONTRASTED WITH PRIDE- 
 
 T/tTHEN we rcflcvJl upon the character of 
 Humility, — we are apt to think it ftands 
 the moil naked and dcfencelcls of all virtues 
 whatever, — the Icafl able to fuppcrt its claims, 
 againrt the iniblent antagonid \\ ho ftcms ready 
 to beax him down, and all oppolition which, 
 fuch a temper can make. 
 
 Now, if we confidcr him as ftanding alone, — 
 no doubt, in fuch a cafe he will be overpowered 
 and trampled upon by his oppofer ; — but if we 
 confider the meek and lowly man, as lie is — fen- 
 ced and guarded by tlie love, the friendlliip and 
 wilhes of all mankind, — that the other Ihmds 
 alone, hated, difcouiitcnanced, without one true 
 friend or hearty well-wifhcr on his lide ; — whca 
 this is balanced, we (haJl have rcafon to change 
 our opinion, and be convinced that tlie humble 
 man, (Irengthencd with fuch an ;illiance, is f.ir 
 
 fronx
 
 2TZ THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE, 
 from being roovermntched as at firft fight he hiay 
 appear ; — nay I believe one might venture to go 
 further and engage for it, that in all fuch cafes, 
 where real fortitude and true perfonal courage 
 were wanted, he is much more likely to give 
 proof of it, and I would fooner look for it in 
 fuch a temper than in that of his adverfary. 
 Pride may make a man violent, — but Humility 
 will make him firm :■ — and which of the two, do 
 you think, likely to come ofFwith honour ? — he 
 who a(51s from the changeable impulfe of heated 
 blood, and follows the uncertain motions of his 
 pride and fury, — or the man who ftands cool 
 and coUedled in himfelf ; who governs his re- 
 fentiments, inftead of being governed by them, 
 and on every occafion afts upon the fleady mo- 
 tives of principle and duty. 
 
 SERMON XXV. P. 193 
 
 W I T H regard to the provocations and of- 
 fences whic!^ re unavoidably happening to a, 
 ,man in his commerce with the world, — take it 
 as a rule, — as a maji's pride is, — fo is always his 
 difpteafure ; as the opinion of himfelf rifes, — fo 
 does the injury, — lb does his refentment : 'tis 
 th:!'- which gives edge and force to the inftru- 
 mcT/i vViich has (truck him, — and excites that 
 hear the wound which renders it incurable. 
 
 See
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. -213 
 
 See how different the caie is with tlie humble 
 man : one halt" of thefe painful conHit^s he actu- 
 ally efcapes ; the other part fall lightly on him : 
 — he provokes no man by contempt ; thrulb 
 himfelf forward as the mark of no man's envy; 
 fo that he cuts off the firft fretful occafions of 
 the greatcft part of thefe evils; and for thofe in 
 which the pa!Tlons of others would involve him, 
 like the humble (lirub in the valley, gently gives 
 way, and fcarce feels the injury of thofe flormy 
 encounters which rend the proud cedar, and 
 tear it up by its roots. 
 
 SERMON XXV. p. 190. 
 
 PRIDE. 
 
 'T'HE proud man,— —fee I — he is fore all over; 
 touch him — you put him to pain : and 
 though of all others, he ads as if every mortal 
 was void of all fenfe and feeling, yet is poirefTcd 
 with fo nice and exquiiiic a one hiinftlf, that 
 the flights, the little neglec'ls and inftances of 
 Jill-rteeni, which would be fcarce ftlt by ano- 
 ther man, are perpLtually wounding him, and 
 ofi-times pit-ciiig him to his vei-y hcait. 
 
 .siRMON XXIV. p. 174. 
 i'lide
 
 X14 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 Pride is a vice which grows up in fociety 
 fo infenfibly ; — deals in unobfcrved upon the 
 heart upon fo many occafions ; — forms itfelf 
 upon fuch llirange pretenfions, and when it 'has 
 done, veils itfelf under fuch a variety of unfuf- 
 
 pecSled appearances, fometimes even under 
 
 that of Humility itfelf ; — in all which cafes, Self- 
 love, like a falfe friend, inftead of checking, 
 moft treacheroufly feeds this humour, — points 
 out ibme excellence in every foul to make him 
 vain, and think more highly of himfelf than he 
 ought to think ; — that, upon the whole, there 
 is no one weaknefs into which the heart of man 
 
 is more eafily betray 'd or which requires 
 
 greater helps of good fenfe and good principles 
 to guard againft. 
 
 SERMON XXIV. p. 177, 
 
 BEAUTY. 
 
 T) EAUTY has fo many charms, one knows not 
 how to fpeak againft it ; and when it hap- 
 pens that a graceful hgure is the habitation of a 
 virtuous foul, when the beauty of the face fpeaks 
 out tlie modefty and humility of the mind, and 
 
 the
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERXE. 21 r 
 
 <i 
 
 tlie jiiftncls of the proportion railes our thoughts 
 up to the art and 'wil'dom of the great Creator, 
 fometlimg may be allowed it, — and fomething 
 to the embellifbments which let it otV; — and 
 yet, when the whole apology is read, — it will 
 be found at lall, that Beauty, like Truth, never 
 is fo glorious as when it goes the plainelL 
 
 SERMON XXIV. p. 187. 
 
 W I S D O IM. 
 
 T ESSONS of wifdom have never fuch power 
 over us, as when they are wrought into 
 the heart, through the groiuid — work of a llory 
 wliich engages the paflions : Is it that we are 
 like u-on, and muft iirft be heated before we can 
 wrought upon i or, Is the heart fo in love with 
 deceit, that \s licre a true report will not reach 
 it, we mull cheat it with a fable, in order to 
 come at truth? 
 
 SERMON XX. V. 93. 
 
 HUNGLIl,
 
 J 6 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE; 
 
 H tTN G E lU 
 
 /^F all the terrors of nature, that of one day 
 or other dying by hunger, is the greateft, 
 and it is wifely v/ove into our frame to awaken 
 man to indiiftry, and call forth his talents; and 
 though we feem to go on carelefsly, fporting 
 with it as we do with other ten ors, — yet, he 
 that fees this enemy fairly, and in his moft 
 frightful fliape, will need no long remonflrance 
 to make him turn out of the way to avoid 
 Iiim. 
 
 SERMON XX. p. 98. 
 
 DISTRESS. 
 
 ATOTHING fo powerfully calls home the mind 
 as dillrefs : the tenfe fibre then relaxes, 
 
 — th"^ toxd retires to itfelf, fits penfive and 
 
 fulceptible of right impreflions : if we have a 
 friend, 'tis then we think of him ; if a bene- 
 fadlor, at that moment all his kindnefles prefs 
 upon oiir mind, 
 
 SERMON XX. P. 97. 
 
 IMPOSTURE.
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERXF. 217 
 
 IMPOSTURE. 
 
 IMPOSTURE is aJldiflbnancc, let what maflcr 
 Ibever of it undertake the part ; let him 
 harmonife and modulate it as he may, one tone 
 will contraditH: another ; and \vhilft we have 
 ears to hear, we fliall diflinguilh it : "tis truth 
 only which is conlillcnt and ever in Iiarmony 
 with itfclt': it fits upon our lips, like the natural 
 notes of fome melodies, ready to drop out, 
 whether we will or no ; it racks no inven- 
 tion to let ourfclves alone, and needs fear no 
 critic, to have the fame excellency in the heai^t, 
 which appears in the action. 
 
 SERMON XV Ji. p. 48. 
 
 CONTENTMENT. 
 
 TTHERfi is fcarce any lot fo low, hut tliert- h 
 
 fomcthing in it to I'atisfy the man w ikhii 
 
 it has befallen ; providence liaving fo ordered 
 
 tilings, tlhlt in every man's cup, how bitter 
 
 U focvcr,
 
 2i8 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 foever, there are fome cordial drops — fome 
 good circumftances, which, if wifely extracled, 
 are fufficient for the purpofe he wants them, — 
 that is, to make him contented, and if not 
 happy, at leaft refigned. 
 
 SERMON XV. P. 19. 
 
 EVILS. 
 
 T TNWILLINGLY does the mind digeftthe evils 
 prepared for it by others ; — for thofe we 
 prepai-e ourfelves,— we eat but the fruit which we 
 have planted and watered : — a Ihattered fortune 
 — a fhattered frame, fo we have but the fatif- 
 faclion of fliattering them ourfelves, pafs natu- 
 rally enough into the habit, and by the eafe 
 with which they are both done, they fav^e the 
 fpectator a world of pity : but for thofe, like 
 Jacob's, brought upon him by the hands from 
 which he look'd for all his comforts, — the 
 avarice of a parent — the unkindnefs of a rela- 
 tion, — the ingratitude of a child, — they are 
 evils which leave a fear; — befides, as they hang 
 over the heads of all, and therefore may fall 
 upon any ; — every looker-on has an intereft in 
 
 tlie
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. zip 
 
 the tragedy ; — but then we are apt to intereft 
 ourfelves no otherwire, than merely as the inci- 
 dents themfelves llrike our pafllon?^, witlioiit car- 
 rying the leflTon further: — In a word — we reahze 
 nothing : — we figh — we w ipc away the tear, — 
 and there ends the flory of milcry, and the 
 moral witli it. 
 
 SERMON XXII. p. 134. 
 
 OPPRESSION. 
 
 COLOMON fays, Oppreffion will make a wife 
 man mad. — What will it do then to a ten- 
 der and ingenuous heart, which feels itfelf ne- 
 glected, — too full of reverence for the author 
 
 of its wrongs to complain ? fic, it fits down 
 
 in filence, robbed by difcouragements, of all its 
 natural powers to pleafe, — born to fee others 
 loaded with carcfTes — in fome unchecry corner 
 it nouriflies its difcontent, — and with a weight 
 upon its fpirits, which its little ftotk of fortitude 
 
 is not able to witliftand, — it droops, and pines 
 
 away.   Sad victim of caprice ! 
 
 SERMON xxii. p. 136. 
 
 U 2 MRTUE.
 
 azo THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 VIRTUE AND VICE, 
 
 "VITHOEVER confiders the ftate and condition 
 of human nature, and upon this view, 
 how much flronger the natural motives are to 
 virtue than to vice, would expert to find the 
 world much better than it is, or ever has been. 
 — For who would fuppofe the generality of man- 
 kind to betray fo much folly, as to aiSt againfl 
 the common intereft of their own kind, as every 
 man does who yields to the temptation of what 
 is wrong. 
 
 SERMON xxxin. p. 6i. 
 
 SIN. 
 
 TVTO motives have been great enough to re- 
 flrain tlipfe from fm who have fecretly 
 loved it, and only fought pretences for the prac- 
 tice of it. 
 
 SEKMON XXXIII. P. 62. 
 
 SINCERITV.
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. ::zi 
 
 SINCERITY. 
 
 A N inward finccrity •will of courfc influence 
 the outward deportment ; but \\ here the 
 one is wanting, there is great reafon to fufpecit 
 the abfence of the other. 
 
 SERMON XLUI. P. l^f^. 
 
 W I S D O M. 
 
 'T'HERE is no one project to which the whole 
 race of mankind is I'o univerfally a bubble, 
 as to that of being thought wife ; and the af- 
 fetftation of it is fo vifiblc, in men of all com- 
 plexions, that you every day fee fome one or 
 other fo very folicitous to eftablifh the chara^fter, 
 as not to allow himfelf leifure to do the things 
 which fairly win it ; — expending more art and 
 ftratagcm to appear fo in the eyes of tlie world, 
 than wlut would fuffice to make him fo in truth. 
 
 It is owing to the force of this dcfirc, that 
 you fee in general, there is no injury touches a 
 man lb fcnfibly, as an infult upon his parts and 
 
 capacity:
 
 2 2 2, THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 capacity: tell a man of other defedls, that he 
 wants learning, induftry or application, — he 
 
 will hear your reproof with patience. Nay 
 
 you may go further : take him in a proper 
 feafon, you may tax his morals, — you may tell 
 him he is irregular in his conduct, — pafficnate 
 or revengeful in his nature — loofe in his princi- 
 ples; — deliver it with the gentlenefs of a friend, 
 — poflibly he'll not only bear with you, — but, 
 if ingenuous, he will thank you for your le<rture, 
 and promife a reformation ; — but hint, — hint 
 but at a defe^l in his intelleftuals, — touch bet 
 that fore place, — from that moment you are 
 look'd upon as ar^ enemy fent to torment' him 
 before his time, and in return may reckon upon 
 his refentment and ill-will for ever ; fo that in 
 general you will find it fafer to tell, a man, he 
 is a knave than a fool, — and ftand a better, 
 chance of being forgiven, for proving he has 
 been wanting in a point of conraion honefly, 
 
 than a point of common fenfe.' Strange fouls 
 
 that we are ! as if to live well was not the 
 grcatcft argument of wifdom ; — and, as if what 
 reflc^led upon our morals, did not moft of all 
 rcflecl upon our underftandings I 
 
 SERMON XXVI. p. 207. 
 CORPOr.AL
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERXE. 
 
 CORPORAL TRIM S 
 
 REFLECTIONS ON DEATH. 
 
 TiyfY young mailer in London is dtaci I faid 
 Obadiali 
 
 — A green fattin night-gown of my motlicrV, 
 w'.uch had been twice fcoiired, was tlie Hrfl idea 
 which Obcidiah''s exclamation brought into Siifan' 
 vahU head. — Then, quoth Sufannah^ mc muft all 
 go into mourning. — 
 
 — O '. 'twill be the death of ray poor Miflrcfs, 
 tiled Sufannah. — my mother's whole wardrobe 
 followed. — What a proceflioni her red damaik, 
 — her orange-tawny, — litr white and ycllow- 
 luteftrinas, — her brown taifuta, — her bonc-laced 
 caps, her bed-gowns, — and comfortable under- 
 pctticoats, — Not a rag was left behind. — " AV, 
 •^'fht will never look up again^'' faid Sufannah. 
 
 We had a fat, foolifli fcullion — my father, 1 
 think, kept her for her fnnplicity; — flie had btcn 
 ill autumn ftruggling with a dri)pfy. — He is 
 
 dead!
 
 224 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 dead! — faid Obadiahy — he is certainly dead!— - 
 
 So am not I, faid the foolifh fcullion. 
 
 •—Here is fad news, Trim! cried Sufannah^ 
 wiping her eyes, as Trim ftepp'd into the kitchen, 
 — mafter Bobby is dead and buried^ — the funeral 
 was an interpolation oi Sufa7inah''s-we ihall have 
 all to go into mourning, faid Sufannah. 
 
 I hope not, faid Tri7n. — You hope not ! cried 
 Sufannah earneftly. — The mourning ran not in 
 Trini's head, whatever it did in StifannaK's. — I 
 hope — laid Trirn^ explaining himfelf, I hope in 
 God the news is not true. 1 heard the letter 
 read with my own ears, anfwered Obadiah ; Oh ! 
 he's dead, faid Sufannah — As fure, faid the 
 fcullion, as I am alive. 
 
 I lament for him from my heart and my foul, 
 faid Trim^ fetching a figh. — Poor creature I— 
 poor boy I poor gentleman ! 
 
 — He was alive lafl Whitfimtide^ faid the coach- 
 man. — Whiifuntide } alas! cried Trim^ extending 
 his right arm, aud falling inftantly into the fame 
 attitude in which he read the fermon, — what is 
 Whitfuniidej Jonathan^ (for that was the coach- 
 man's
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 22 j 
 
 man 'is name\ or Shrovetide^ or any tide or time 
 part, to this? Are we not here now, continued 
 the Corporal, (ftriking the end of his flick pcr- 
 pendiciUarly upon the floor, fo as to give an idea 
 of health and ftability) — and are we not — (drop- 
 ping his hat upon the ground) gone I in a mo- 
 ment I — 'Twas intinitely llriking! Sufannah 
 burft into a flood of tears. — We are not ftocks 
 and flones. — Jonathan^ ObaJiah, the cook-maid, 
 all melted. — Tlie fooli/h fat fcuUion herl'clf, wlio 
 was fcouring a fifli-kettle upon her knees, was 
 roufcd with it. — The whole kitchen croudcd 
 about the Corporal. 
 
 — To us, Jonathan^ who know not what want 
 or care is, — who live here in the fervice of two 
 of the beft of maftcrs — (bating in my own cafe 
 his majefty King William the Third, whom 1 
 had the honour to ierve both in Ireland and Flan- 
 ders) — I own it, that from Whitfuntide to with- 
 in riircc weeks of Chrifimai^ — 'tis not long — 
 'tis like nothing ; — but to thofc, Jonathany who 
 know what death is, and what havock and dc- 
 ftruclion he can make, before a man can well 
 wheel about, — 'tis like a whole age. — O Jona- 
 than : 'twould make a good-naiurcd man's hcait 
 
 bleed.
 
 226 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE, 
 bleed, to confider, continued the Corporal, (land- 
 ing perpendicularly), how low many a brave and 
 upright fellow has been laid fince that time ! — 
 And truft me, Sufy^ added the Corporal, turning 
 to Stifaimahy whofe eyes were fwimming in wa- 
 ter, — before that time comes round again, — 
 many a bright eye will be dim. — Sufannah placed 
 it to the right fide of the page — ihe wept — but 
 fhe ciu-t'fied too. — Are we not, continued Trim^ 
 looking ftill at Sufannah^ — are we not like a 
 flower of the field — a tear of pride ftole in be- 
 twixt every two tears of humiliation — elfe no 
 tongue could have defcribed Sufannah'^ s z.?^ii&\oxy 
 — is not all flefh grafs ? — 'Tis clay, — 'tis dirt.— 
 They all look'd directly at the fcuUion, — the 
 
 fcullion, had jufl been fcouring a fifli-kettle 
 
 It was not fair. — - 
 
   — What is thefinefl face that ever man looked 
 at ! — I could hear Trim talk fo for ever, cried 
 Sufannah^ — ^what is it ! (Sufmmah laid her hand 
 upon Trim's ftioulder) — but corruption ? — Su- 
 fannah took it off. 
 
 — Now I love you for this — and 'tis this de- 
 licious mixture within you, which makes you 
 
 dear
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 227 
 dear creature. ^1^^^ y^^^ ^j.^ — ^^^ ^xe who hates 
 you for it— all 1 ca.. tv.^ „f jj^^ ^^„<,r is— 
 That he lias either a pumpkin for his head- or 
 a pippen for his heart, — and whenever he is dif- 
 fccted 'twill be found fo. 
 
 For my own part, I declare it, that out of 
 doors, I value not death at all: — not this .. ad- 
 ded the Corporal, fnapping his fingers, — but 
 with an air which no one but the Corporal could 
 have given to the fentiment. — in battle, I value 
 death not this ... and let him not take me coward- 
 ly, like poor Joe Gibbins^ in fcouring his gun. — 
 What is he ? A pull of a trigger — a pufii of a 
 bayonet an inch this way or that — makes the 
 difference. — Look along the line — ro the right 
 — fee ! yack''s down ! veil, — 'tis worth a regi- 
 ment of horfe to him. — No — 'tis Dick^ Then 
 Jack''s no worfe. Never mind which, — we pafs 
 on, — in hot purfuit the wound itfelf which 
 brings liim is not felt, — the heft way is to fl;ind 
 up to hiiu, — the man who flics, is in ten times 
 more danger than the man who marches up into 
 his jaws. — I've look'd him, added the Corporal, 
 an liundrcd times in the face, — and Know wliat 
 li,- is — He's nothing, Obadtahy at all in tlic field. 
 — But he's very frightful in a houfe, cjuoth Oba- 
 
 (liahy —
 
 :>2 8 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 diah. — I never mind it myfelf, f;.^- Jonathan^, 
 upon a coach-box. 
 
 I pity my miftrefs. — She will never get the 
 better of it, cried Sufannah. — Now I pity the 
 Captain the moft of any one in the family, an- 
 fwered Trifn. — Madam will get eafe of heart in 
 weeping, — and the Squire in talking about it, — 
 but my poor mafter will keep it all in filence to 
 himfelf. — I fliall hear him figh in his bed for a 
 whole month together, as he did for Lieutenant 
 Le Ft-oer. An' pleafe your honour, do not figh 
 fo piteoufly, I would fay to him as 1 laid befide 
 him. I cannot help it. Trim, my mafter would 
 fay, — 'tis fo melancholy an accident — I cannot 
 get it off my heart. — ^Your honour fears not 
 death yourfelf. — I hope, Trim^ I fear nothing, 
 he would fay, but the doing a wrong thing. — 
 Well, he would add, whatever betides, I will 
 take care of Le Fever''s boy. — And with that, 
 like a quieting draught, his honour would fall 
 afleep. 
 
 I like to hear Trini's ftories about the Captain, 
 faid Sufannah. — He is a kindly-hearted gentle- 
 man, faid Obadiahy as ever lived. — Aye, — -and 
 as brave a one too, faid the Corporal, as ever 
 
 ftept
 
 THE p;^AUTIFS OF STERNE. 229 
 
 ftept before a platoon. Thtre never was a better 
 ofliccr in the king's army, — or a better man in 
 God's world ; for he would march up to the 
 mouth of a cnnnon, though he faw the lighted 
 match at the very touch-hole, — and yet, for all 
 that, he has a heart as foft as a child for other 
 people. — He would not hurt a chicken. — 1 would 
 fuoner, quoth Jonathan^ drive fuch a gentle- 
 man for feven pounds a year — than fome for 
 ciglu. — Thank thee, Jotiathan! for thy twenty 
 fliillings, — as much, Jotmtliau^ faid the Corporal, 
 fliaking him by the hand, as if thou hadfl put 
 tlie money into my own pocket. — I would ferve 
 him to the day of my death out of love. He is 
 a friend and a brother to me, — aad could I be 
 fure my poor brother Tom was dead, — continued 
 the Corporal, taking out his handkerchief, — 
 was I worth ten tnouland pounds, 1 would leave 
 every Ihilling of it to the Captain. — Trhn could 
 not refirain from tears at this teftamentary proof 
 he gave of his affection to his mailer.— The 
 whole kitchen was affecled. 
 
 TRIS. 5HANUY, VOL. Jll. C 7. 
 
 MR,
 
 a3o THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 MR. SHANDY'S RESIGNATION 
 
 I FOR THE 
 
 LOSS OF HIS SON. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY has a fine faying for every 
 thing — For Death it has an entire fet, 
 
 ** 'Tis an inevitable chance — the firft ftatute 
 
 ** in Magna Charta it is an everlafting act 
 
 *' of parliament — All miijl die. 
 
 *' Monarohs and princes dance in the fame 
 *' ring with us." 
 
 ** — To die^ is the great debt and tribute due 
 *' unto nature : tombs and monuments, which 
 *' Ihould perpetuate our memories, pay it them- 
 ** felves; and the proud eft pyramid of them all, 
 *' which wealth and fcience have erected, has 
 *' loft its apex, and ftands obtruncated in the 
 ** traveller's horizon. — Kingdoms and provin- 
 " ces, and towns and cities, have they not their 
 
 " periods ?
 
 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 231 
 
 " periods ? and when thofe principles and powers, 
 *' which at tirlt cemented and put them too-e- 
 *' ther, have performed their feveral Revolu- 
 " tions, they fall back." 
 
 " \\'here is Troy^ and MyceneeyZnA Thebes^ and 
 "• Djhsy and Perfepolis^ and Agrigentum ? — 
 ** ^Vhat is become of Nineveh and Babylon^ of 
 " Cyzicrtm, and jMitylena? Tlie faireft towns 
 *' that ever the fun rofe upon, are now no more : 
 *' the names only are left, and thofe [for many 
 " of them are v/rong fpelt] are falling them- 
 " felves by piece-meals to decay, and in length 
 " of time will be forgotten, and involved with 
 *' every thing in a perpetual night : the world 
 *' itfelf — mull mud come to an end. 
 
 " Returning out of A/tay when I failed from 
 " J£gina towards Megara^ I began to view the 
 *' country round about. >%ma was behind mc, 
 " yj/e^ara was before, Pyraiis on thcriglit hand, 
 
 " Corinth on the left. What flourifliing 
 
 *' towns now profh^ate upon the earth ! Alas ! 
 *' alas I faid I to myfclf, that man fhould diflur'j 
 " his foul for the lofs of a child, when fo much 
 " as this lies awfully buried in his prefcnce. — 
 
 •* Remember,
 
 232 THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE. 
 
 " Remember, faid I to myfelf again — remeni- 
 " ber thou art a man." — 
 
 ** My fon is dead ! — fo much the better ; — 
 ** 'tis a fhame iii fuch a tenipelt to have but one 
 ** anchor." 
 
 ** But he is gone for ever from us ! — be it fo. 
 *■*■ He is got from under the hands of his bar- 
 ** ber before he was bald — he is but rifen from 
 *' a feaft before he was furfeited — from a ban- 
 ** quet before he had got drunken." 
 
 " The Thracians wept when a child was 
 ** born — and feafled and made merry when a 
 ** man went out of the world; and with reafon. 
 '■'- Death opens the gate of fame, and Ihuts the 
 " gate of envy after it. — it unloofes the chain 
 *' of the captive, and puts the bondfman's talk 
 ** into another man's hands." 
 
   ** Shew me the man, who knows M'hat life is, 
 *'- who dreads it, and I'll fhew thee a prifonei' 
 ♦' who dreads his liberty." ^{< 
 
 THE END, \, J 
 
 Printed ly C. ETHERINCTON, No. ^ V 
 
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