HER MAJESTY THE KING JAMES JEFFREY ROCHE \\\j ILLUSTRATED BY OLIVER HERFORD Her Majesty the King HER MAJESTY THE KING A Romance of the Harem Done into American from the Arabic Ev JAMES JEFFREY ROCHE With Illustrations by OLIVER HERFORD CHICAGO A. C. McCLURG & CO 1915 Copyright, i8g8, by JAMES JEFFREY ROCHE Copyright, 1902, by ROBERT HOWARD RUSSELL DEDICATION. To the lineal descendant of the Lady Kayenna, who told me this true history, the while 1 could but marvel and admire the teller ; for, of a truth, since Schehere- zade there hath been none to approach her in goodliness and wit and wisdom and all comeliness of mind and person and, es pecially, in a proper and intelligent appre ciation of THE ILLUSTRIOUS AUTHOR. CONCERNING THE AUTHOR. IT sometimes happens that a genius, pass ing, leaves more in the hearts of men than in their minds. Brilliant though he may have been, his friends remember him not for the work that he has done, but for the touch of his hand, the warmth of his smile, the chivalry of his soul. It is the good fortune of James Jeffrey Roche thus to be remem bered. By the necessities of life confined to an editorial desk, unable to give full scope to his genius, he left behind him comparatively few volumes, of which this one ranks as his best humorous effort. Indeed, competent judges say that this book is among the first half-dozen volumes of American humor. Yet, though it received a warm welcome from the critics, it gained no wide public audience. Who can tell why, can solve all mysteries. It is republished in the hope that a recognition deferred during the author's life time may be granted now. And this preface is written that something may be known of one of the wittiest and most lovable of men. James Jeffrey Roche, historian, wit, poet, hater of shams and frauds, was born in Concerning the Author Mountmellick, Queen's County, Ireland, May 31, 1847. While an infant his parents emi grated to Prince Edward's Island, and it was there that he was educated. While still a boy he went to Boston and entered business. Soon he began contributing to newspapers and magazines. In 1883 John Boyle O'Reilly invited him to take the associate editorial chair of the Boston Pilot. There he re mained until O'Reilly's death in 1890, when he assumed the chief editorship, a position that he held until his appointment by Presi dent Roosevelt, in 1905, to the consular serv ice. He served first at Genoa and later at Berne, where he died, after a long illness, on April 3, 1908. No greater lover of America ever lived. His poems of the sea, which brought him his first fame, are lessons in patriotism. Yet he never forgot the land of his birth, and other poems and writings are a rebuke to those who today affect a scorn of the so-called hyphen ated American, who forget that man may love his wife and yet cherish his mother. He was the friend of freedom. He had the spirit that animates the leaders of lost causes. All his writings show a contempt for snobbery, for meanness of any kind, for race or religious prejudice. Broad and gen erous, he was never too busy to spare time for an assault upon unfairness, whether it were directed against Jew or Protestant or Catho lic, against the white man or the black. Concerning the Author He had the gift for friendship. Few men possessed such a wide range, not of acquaint ances, but of friends. From the convict in jail whom he helped, to the man in the White House, all loved him. Editor of a Catholic weekly, no creed bounded his regard. Warrior in the field of freedom, he wanted freedom for all, not for one. And he was as far from being a " professional Irishman " as Lafayette was from being a Hessian mer cenary. Indeed, so busy was he waging warfare against prejudice of all kinds, and in attend ing to the editorial duties that were his living, that his pen found time for only occasional ventures into fields that would have gained him greater profit. He was ten years writing " Her Majesty The King." In fact, the book was grown, rather than written. Little by little it was evolved from its central character, that of Shacabac, whose satirical wisdom is often but an expression of the author's self; and, completed, it makes one wonder how he could have enriched the world's library of humor had he been able to devote himself solely to the writing of books. But it was not possible, and much of the bubbling mirth that endeared him to his friends is lost in the files of newspapers, spent on editorial pages, or cherished in the memo ries of those who loved to draw him out and listen to the brilliancies that sparkled but never burned. For he was gentle in all his Concerning the Author wit and satire, save when he approached a sham, an hypocrisy then his wit was caustic. He was more than the soul of honor; his friend's honor was his own, and his friend could do no wrong. He was often deceived because, incapable of deception himself, it never occurred to him that his friend could deceive. When he gave, he gave with his whole soul and there were no reservations. Yet withal, as his writings prove, he was not easily gulled. He knew the hypocrite and the liar from afar, and the point of his pen pricked many a pompous fake that fooled men supposedly more wise. No windy prom- iser could gain the support of his editorials, which had a circulation far wider than his own paper. Idealist, lover of freedom, staunch, loyal and perfect friend ; it is so that he is remem bered. Yet his work entitles him to more than that great though that may be to a place in letters commensurate to his worth. He attained that with editors, with critics, but his work is all too little known to the public. It can only be explained on the theory that the man overshadowed the writings. Let it be hoped that this republication brings a greater acknowledgment of the genius of Jeffrey Roche, a most generous gentleman, who had the brain of a man and the heart of a child. ARTHUR S. ROCHE. FOREWARNING. (YEAR OF THE HEGIRA 1276.) MANY, and in sooth foolish, are they who writing books send them forth to the world with humiliat ing disparagement of their contents and servile appeals for mercy to those who may read them. Now a man who hath dates, or coffee, or rice to sell goeth not into the market-place crying out, " Lo ! the merchan dise which I offer for sale is poor and mouldy and unworthy stuff; yet of your charity, good people, I pray you to buy," seeking yet to cajole his hearers with coarse flattery. As if any man were silly enough to buy damaged goods because, forsooth, the vendor praised the good judgment of the buyer! I, who have made the pilgrimage and kissed the Kaaba which endowed with truth, am not as the Franks who trust to the be- guilement of the Stone of Bel-Ami. This volume, containing the surprising adventures vi Forewarning of the good Kayenna and the marvellous wisdom of Shacabac, the Wayfarer, needeth no apology. If it excelleth all other works of history in lofty thought, in rich imagery, in polished style, and in perfect diction, it is only because I have made it to do so. Had it existed in the days of the good Caliph Omar, wisest of all censors, it would not have shared the fate of that mass of un worthy literature by him justly condemned to the flames. Rather would it have been commended to all the faithful as a work not to be hastily skimmed by the light and thoughtless who seek transitory knowledge in the public libraries, but to be bought and preserved for careful and frequent study by the discriminating reader. While the work of no mortal is perfect, the only defect in this book is its brevity. Its merits are as many as its words. If any man fail to recognize them, let him wisely be silent, and, returning the book to him from whom he borrowed it, pray Allah for better judgment and mourn the hour in which he, unworthy, ever learned to read. CONTENTS. MM FOREWARNING v CHAPTER 1 13 He that repenteth too late may some time worry too soon. The Katamarana. CHAPTER II ao A lie grows so fast that its own parents may not rec ognize it. Deucalion. CHAPTER III 29 The hardest thing to find is an honest partner for a swindle. Samith. CHAPTER IV 34 A grandfather is a man who has two chances to make a fool of himself, and seldom neglects them. Ginglymui. CHAPTER V 46 An omen, said the Fakir, is a sign of the future. Blame not the omen, but the future, if the sign prove not true. Shiran, the Younger. CHAPTER VI 55 The man who can invent a good working substitute for honesty has yet to be invented himself. Eastern Proverb. vm Contents PAGE CHAPTER VII 61 Nevertheless, much depends on a man's horoscope. One is born in the desert, and becomes a brigand 5 another is reared in the great city, and publishes books. It is Kismet. Ben Haround. CHAPTER VIII 72 What is a cryptogram ? asked the Pupil. It is a cipher, replied the Sage. What is a cipher ? persisted the Pupil. It is naught, answered the Sage. Is there a cryptogram in this book ? asked the Pupil. If there be, a Sage alone will find it. It should ex plain aught that may seem irrelevant. The Wisdom of Shoe abac. CHAPTER IX 88 There are times when it is inexpedient, if not actually immoral, to kill the bediamonded clerk of a caravan sary. Manco Capac. CHAPTER X 95 Surely, thou dost not expect strangers to pay for thy books. And, surely, thou wouldst not ask thy friends to buy them. Seek some other way of achieving wealth through letters. And let me know if thou findest it. The Pauper Poet. CHAPTER XI 106 Some men borrow books ; some men steal books ; and others beg presentation copies from the author. Ben Haround. CHAPTER XII 12* In time of war begin to prepare for it. The Corn- pleat Art of Logistics^ by Tang Kee. Contents ix MOS CHAPTER XIII 129 Every nation has just the government for which its people are fitted ; at least, that is what is said by the rulers who are piously engaged in misgoverning it. Manco Cafac. CHAPTER XIV 136 This Book is a Mirror wherein the Wise Man seeth Wisdom, but the Fool seeth Folly. Shacabac. CHAPTER XV. LAGNIAPPE 11 THE ILLUSTRATIONS. i Her Majesty the King .... Frontispiece 11 ' In what way ? ' asked his wife " . Page 14 Al Choppah 22 Shacabac, the Sage 40 Ben Zoin 62 " ' I bring evil news ! ' " 104 Badeg, the Soothsayer 1 08 Out of this, fortune- telling dog ! '" . 1 1 8 CHAPTER I. ! !/// He that repenteth too late may some time worry too soon. The Kdtdma- THE Pasha Muley Mustapha was unhappy. He was a peace- loving, easy-tempered man, as Pashas go, and, when allowed to have his own way, was never inclined to ask for more. But now, after seven years of wedded life, he found his wishes thwarted, not for the first time, by the caprice of a woman, and that woman his only wife, Kayenna, well surnamed the Eloquent. The misunderstanding had arisen, innocently enough, in this way : 1 4 Her Majesty the King " I think, my dear," said Muley Mustapha, as he sat smoking his nargi- leh one day at the beginning of this history, while his wife reclined on a divan, "I think, my dear, that my parents (may their memory be blessed ! ) made a great mistake in their treatment of me in my youth. I was brought up too strictly. They gave me no oppor tunity of seeing life in all its phases. Consequently, I find myself, in middle age, almost a stranger among my own subjects. I mean to adopt an entirely different system with little Muley." "In what way ? " asked his wife, ris ing on her elbow, and casting a suspi cious look at her lord. " Well, in this way," replied Muley Mustapha, deliberately, " in this way. I intend to let him go out into the world, mingle with the youth of his own age, share in their sports, and, as the Giaours say, * sow his wild oats.' ' " Muley Mustapha," said his wife, c< */w what way?" 1 asked his wife" Her Majesty the King 1 5 sitting bolt upright, "you shall do nothing of the sort. * Sow his wild oats,' indeed ! He shall never leave my sight, not for a single moment, until he is a grown man and I have provided him with a wife to take my place as guardian of his morals. It ill becomes the trusted vassal of my noble father, the Sultan of Kopaul, to talk thus of corrupting the child who is to be one day ruler of that mighty em pire. You forget that fact, Muley Mustapha." "On the contrary," retorted the Pasha, a little tartly, " I am not likely to forget it, so long as the daughter of the Sultan of Kopaul condescends to remain the wife of the Pasha of Ubikwi." For Muley Mustapha had married above his station, and the circumstance had not been permitted to escape his memory. He never complained of his lot ; but, when his faithful Vizier once 1 6 Her Majesty the King hinted that the Koran allowed each true believer the blessing of four wives, he answered with a sigh, " I find one enough for this world : the rest I will take in houris." Some subtle reflection of that senti ment must have made itself visible on the face of the Pasha at this moment ; for his worthy spouse, with apparent irrelevance, suddenly exclaimed, " Muley Mustapha, if you are going to cast your vagabond Vizier in my face, I will leave the room until I have time to go home to my father, who will protect me from insult." " Great Allah ! " cried the Pasha. " Who is casting anybody in your face ? And who has mentioned the name of the Vizier ? " But the virtuous Kayenna had risen to her feet, and in low, intense tones began : " Sir, there is a limit to what even a wife may endure. When I think that Her Majesty the King 17 a son of mine is threatened with con tamination at the hands of a low, dis reputable, adventurous vagabond, like your worthless underling" Here the good lady was so overcome by her feelings that she burst into a flood of tears, and had to be borne, shrieking, to her apartments. " I foresee that I shall have trouble in bringing up that boy," mused Muley Mustapha, as he relighted his nargileh, and stroked his flowing beard. Braver man there was not in all Islam than the dauntless young Pasha of Ubikwi, whose valor on many a hard- fought field finally won him the favor of the Sultan of Kopaul, and the fair hand of that Sultan's only child. Once, some years after his marriage, he propounded to Shacabac the Wayfarer, then a sage whose merits had not been appreci ated by a dull generation, the old paradox of the Prankish schoolmen : " When an irresistible force meets with i8 Her Majesty the King an immovable object, what happeneth ? " And the wise man an swered, " In case of matrimony, the Force retireth from busi ness." Struck by the aptness of the reply, Muley Mustapha made the sage his .Vizier on the spot. From that day forth the Pasha had peace in his household. There is much vir tue in self-abnega tion ; but, like most unconditional sur renders, it does not al ways evoke the admi ration of the victors. Yet was Muley Mus tapha not without his Her Majesty the King 1 9 reward. Kayenna knew just how far she might venture in dictating to him, and, by judiciously yielding that for which she cared naught, managed ever to obtain that which she desired. Thus doth the wise spouse gain new raiment by denying to her lord the society of an unbeloved mother-in- law. CHAPTER II. A lie grows so fast that its own parents may not recognize it. Deucalion, THREE days after the occurrence of the events narrated in the preceding chapter a venerable man, clad in the robes of a physi cian, was ushered into the presence of the Pasha. He salaamed low, and said, " Great and mighty Pasha, I bring thee good news." " Speak," said the Pasha : " what is thy news ? " " Great and good tidings," answered the leech. " Mother and child are doing well." "Allah be blessed!" said Muley Mustapha. " And the boy ? My own Her Majesty the King 21 little Muley ! Is he a healthy, comely lad, such an one, think you, as will hold his own among the gallants of the land, and not prove a puny milk sop, clutching his mother's apron- string ? " "Truly, O potent Pasha," was the answer, " it is a fair and well-formed child, but" " But me no buts, knave," roared the Pasha. " Barest thou say the boy is deformed, blind, deaf, lame ? Speak, or by the beard of the Prophet" " Mercy, O gracious lord ! I meant nothing," cried the sage, falling on his knees, "only this the child" " Well, go on, and quickly. The child" " Is a girl, O great and mighty " But Muley Mustapha had leaped to his feet, spurning the old man from his way, and was shouting to his chief eunuch : 22 Her Majesty the King " Ho, there, slave ! Send me straight way the Vizier and the Soothsayer and hark ye, slave, send me the Heads man. By Allah ! there is work here for all three." The Pasha had a rich command of language, and he made free use of it while awaiting the summoned func- tio'naries. Soon they were ushered into his presence, the swart Nubian, Al Choppah, bringing up the rear of the procession. The Soothsayer prostrated himself at the feet of the Pasha, who thus addressed him : " O triple-tongued liar and silver- haired son of Gehenna, what hast thou to say for thyself? Dost remember that but six months ago thou didst issue a prophecy, standing before us as proud and confident as Bhilibidam, the haughty prince of Eblis, and didst say that I was to be the father of a son, and didst warrant the prediction with thy head? What should be done, O Her Majesty the King 23 Shacabac, with such a defaulter on his sacred pledge ? " " So please your Highness," replied the Vizier, promptly, " I should fore close on the security." "It is well said," quoth the Pasha, and, signing to the Nubian, bade him advance and do his duty. Al Choppah ran his thumb along the edge of his scimitar, swung it slowly aloft, and was about to bring it down, when the Soothsayer, in a trembling voice, cried out : " The will of Allah be done ! But hath not thine own trusted adviser counselled mercy to all crea tures, even to the least merciful ? And, even though I die, I tell thee that the child born to thee this day shall reign over Kopaul ! " Astounded and secretly a little im pressed by this remarkable speech, Muley Mustapha signed to the Nu bian to withdraw to the ante-chamber. Then, bidding the Soothsayer stand 24 Her Majesty the King up, he said sternly : " Do not dare hope to escape thy doom by laughing at our beard. Explain thy riddle ; but, first, Shacabac, what means the slave by saying that thou hast counselled mercy even to the least merciful of crea tures ? " Shacabac, who did not disdain the music of his own voice, replied : " Truly, this Soothsayer hath deeply offended ; but he showeth a proper taste in literature, and, perchance, seeth more of the future than ordinary mortals. It is true, I have coun selled mercy to all creatures ; for mercy may sometimes be wisdom. I have said : " ' Kick not the sleeping tiger in thy path ; and, if thou meetest a shark in the river, go thy way, the sea is wide enough for him and for thee. " f Utter no evil, not even of the dumb beasts. If thy horse offend thee, put him away from thee ; and when Her Majesty the King 25 thou sellest him, speak only of his good parts.' " I have also written : ' Dispute not with thy neighbor if his hens permeate thy garden, but bid them welcome and give them shelter. So shalt thou have fresh-laid eggs for thy breakfast.' "As to this wretched Soothsayer, I fear me much his character as a prophet is sorely damaged. Nevertheless, as I have written elsewhere : " ' A bad character is better than none at all. Rather behave ill than have men say of thee, " Lo, he knoweth not how to behave." ' " Just then appeared a slave with the startling tidings that a messenger from the great Sultan of Kopaul had arrived and besought an interview. If Shacabac was annoyed at being interrupted in the pleasant pastime of quoting from his own works, which is said to be not a displeasing diversion with other great writers, the Pasha 26 Her Majesty the King quickly recalled him to more pressing matters, by saying : " Now, Shacabac, great is thy written wisdom. Mayhap thou hast wit enough to tell us how we may break the news to the great Sultan, my father-in-law, that his * grandson ' dog of a Star-gazer, that was thy pre cious work ! is a granddaughter." But even the wisdom of Shacabac was unequal to such a contingency ; and this true story would never have been written, had not the Soothsayer averted an irreparable loss to literature by humbly asking permission to speak. " Speak," replied the Pasha, " and see that thy words be precious ; for on them hangs thy life." Thus encouraged, the Soothsayer first asked, how many people knew of the child 's sex. He was informed that, besides themselves there present, only the mother and the attendant physician as yet possessed that knowl edge ; but the whole country would Her Majesty the King 27 know of it, to their grief, when the wrathful Sultan learned how his hopes had been blighted. " And upon my head, O wretched juggler," cried the Pasha, " shall fall the chief weight of his anger. Accursed be the hour in which I was not born a girl ! " The last two words he uttered with infinite grief and scorn. " Then, O Pasha, the country is safe, if the Physician be silenced, and we, keeping the secret to ourselves, inform the Sultan that his daughter and grand son are doing well. The Sultan is very old ( may his years be many ! ), and he will have gone to his fathers long ere he discover the deception ; and thou and thy noble spouse shall reign in Kopaul ere anybody know, if they ever know, that thy son is not thy son." Audacious as was this proposition, yet the Pasha grasped at it as a drown ing man at a straw, especially as it met the approval of Shacabac. He gener- 28 Her Majesty the King ally accepted the advice of that wise and good philosopher. The Soothsayer and the Physician were enjoined to strict silence ; and, the better to insure it, they were com mended to the care of Al Choppah, the Nubian, who, being a mute, could tell no tales. His two guests do not ap pear again in this history. CHAPTER III. The hardest thing to find is an honest partner for a swindle. Samith. BUT it was absolutely necessary for the peace and dignity of the realm of Ubikwi that the court should not be without an official Sooth sayer. Wherefore the vacant office was presently filled by a young and prom ising astrologer, Badeg by name, who had studied for some years at the feet of his lamented predecessor. Muley Mustapha, while secretly contemning the whole science because of the wretched blunder whereby he thought himself the chief sufferer ( though the lately deceased soothsayer, had he been able to give an opinion, might have thought otherwise), found 30 Her Majesty the King it hard work to keep up a pretence of respecting the new incumbent and his office. Kayenna, more alive to the danger of arousing suspicion, took pains on every occasion to show pro found respect for the holy man, and never failed to enjoin a similar course on the part of her lord. It was not her fault if Muley Mustapha erred on that or, indeed, on any line of policy ; for in all Ubikwi there was not a wife more ready at all times to direct her husband in the path of right. Nevertheless, there was something about the new astrologer which caused her uneasiness, worried Muley Mus tapha, and disturbed the serene imper turbability of Shacabac. It was this. Whenever he issued a prediction, were it only a casual prophecy of the com ing weather, he always accompanied it with a qualifying phrase, such as, "Allah permitting," "subject to other conditions," " errors and omissions Her Majesty the King 3 1 excepted," or something equally foreign to all the traditions and precedents of prophecy. At such times he was wont to cast at Muley Mustapha, Kayenna, or the good Shacabac a swift, furtive glance which did not add to the mental composure of any of them. Yet, such is the .effect of a guilty conscience, not one of the three ever questioned his slightest assurance, no matter how the prediction turned out. If he foretold " rains, followed by showers, for the Lower Lake region," on a given day, and that day happened to be the sunniest of the whole year, the Pasha was sure to appear in water proof garments, with an umbrella osten tatiously in his hand, and took pains, if he met the prophet, to declare that this was truly a wonderful season for rain, but no doubt it would be good for the crops. The Soothsayer never made any reply other than, " Great is Allah, and wonderful are his ways ! " 32 Her Majesty the King Kayenna was annoyed and Shacabac alarmed at the unwisdom on the part of Muley Mustapha in thus overdoing his part, especially as Badeg, grown bolder with the immunity shown him, began to be absolutely reckless in his prognostications, sending out forecasts of the stock market which, had they been followed, would have bankrupted the royal exchequer. A deputation of traders called upon the Pasha to protest ; but the wise Vizier met them with the calm assur ance that the prophet was a man marked by heaven as insane, and there fore doubly deserving of homage. " Should his visitation prove chronic," said the sage, "it may be taken as a sign that he should be made custodian of the national treasury." Whereupon the merchants withdrew their protests, averring with one voice that without doubt the Soothsayer was sane and wise beyond the sons of men, and that they Her Majesty the King 33 would thenceforth accept his predic tions as inspired, and govern them selves accordingly. The which they did ; but it was noticed that the market from that time became conservative, and business flourished the more as it was fostered the less by government, even as the Giaour jest hath it, that the patient getteth well or dieth without the assistance of the doctors. CHAPTER IV. A grandfather is a man who has two chances to make a fool of himself, and seldom neglects them. Ginglymus. WHILE the events recorded in the preceding chapter and covering some years had their influence on the affairs of state, life within the harem went quietly on. Kayenna, the faithful spouse of Muley Mustapha, accepted the con gratulations of her friends on the birth of little Muley ; and it was remarked that, so devoted a mother was she, no body but herself was ever allowed to nurse or watch or otherwise care for the beloved child. " My daughter will spoil the brat and bring him up a regular milksop," Her Majesty the King 35 growled the great Sultan one day after paying a prolonged visit to the happy couple. " I thought you had an idea, Muley, of rearing the boy to be a manly fellow and letting him see the world." " Truly, I had," was the reply, rather sadly made ; " but, as he is our only child, his mother is so passionately at tached to him that I cannot find it in my heart to train him as robustly as I should wish." " Bosh ! " ejaculated the fiery old monarch. " My grandson should be taught to fear nothing, whereas he looks and acts like a girl. Send him to Kopaul for a while, and I promise you he will learn some manliness." But to this proposition Kayenna demurred so vigorously that the old Sultan was forced to desist; for that truly admirable woman had the happy faculty, whether as daughter, wife, or mother, of bending every will in her own direction, which was that of 36 Her Majesty the King righteousness always. Heaven had blessed her from infancy with a fine flow of language, accompanied by a noble firmness of purpose, so that such was the repute of her wisdom, whenever she opened the coral portals of her speech, the whole court was ready to accept her dictum on any question rather than waste time and invite hu miliation by the fruitless attempt to controvert her. The Sultan went home discontented. Before de parting, he took Muley Mustapha aside, and said impressively : " Muley, if I had a wife like yours, I would teach her humility if I used up a cord of bam boos and half a dozen Her Majesty the King 37 eunuchs." Then, sighing heavily, he added : " After all, it is not your fault, but that of myself, who brought her up sparingly as to the bamboo. If you should ever have a daughter, Muley," the Pasha gave a slight start at the word, " which Allah forbid ! " con tinued the Sultan, " take the advice of an old man, and " He finished the sentence with an eloquent gesture of the right arm extended from the shoul der at an upward angle of forty-five degrees, fingers close together, and palm forward. This gesture, when made with the arm raised perpendicu larly, is a sign of peace among the Bedouins and other nomads. It was not as such that the Sultan employed it. " What did my father mean by lift ing his hand like the sail of a wind mill ? And of what was he speaking as he bade you farewell ? " asked Kayenna, when she and Muley found themselves alone. " Oh, nothing," was the reply. 38 Her Majesty the King "He was talking about the education of our daught " " Muley Mustapha ! Do you mean to say that you told him ? " " No, no, my dear, of course not. Only when he said something about our ever having a daughter, I was so surprised that I feared he might have suspected something, and for the mo ment regretted that we had deceived him about his c grandson.' ' " And, pray, who deceived him ? " queried Kayenna, with icy severity. " I, for one, have not. I have never told him that our little darling was or was not a boy. If he choose to deceive himself or to be deceived by tricksters like your vagabond Vizier, that is his own concern, not mine. I know what his gesture signified ; but, thank Allah, corporal punishment was abolished in my nursery by my angel mother, and my honored sire has not forgotten the occasion, I ween." Her Majesty the King 39 Kayenna wore such a pensive smile of retrospective happiness in saying this that Muley Mustapha did not give a moment's entertainment to his father- in-law's counsel, but prudently resolved to put the bamboo plant to other and more profitable uses ; and Shacabac, to whom he confided his troubles, com mented sagely : " The spinster knoweth how to bring up children, and the bach elor to rule a wife. It is well that they remain single : else who would be will ing to leave this happy world, had they the direction of its family affairs ? " " How hath it happened," asked the Pasha, after ruminating some minutes on this proposition, " that thou thyself hast never married ? " "Solely in order that I might the better devote myself to the improve ment and instruction of my fellow- men ; for, if there be one man on earth who knoweth less than all others, it is he who is the husband of a wife, and 40 Her Majesty the King she will be first to tell him the same. While Allah preserveth her, his halo shall never be too small for his head. " No man knoweth what true happi ness is until he getteth married : then is the knowledge rather a sweet memory than a new boon. "Twice blessed is he in whose tent dwell both his mother and his wife's mother ; for, even though he gain not Paradise, yet shall he fear not Gehenna. " In choosing a wife, disdain not youth nor beauty ; for these are things which time will cure. " Love not a woman for her riches ; but, loving first the riches, thou shalt learn in time to love her for their sake. " There are two ways of missing the miseries of matrimony : one is by not getting married, the other by not being born. The Prophet hath said that there is a third, which is by always overlooking the errors of thy partner. Shacabac, the Sage Her Majesty the King 41 I know naught about this, but it recall- eth an apologue : " There were two brothers of Bas- sorah who dwelt under the same roof, both being married. They had the misfortune, about the same time, to offend their wives most grievously. Kadijah, the wife of the elder, was so incensed that she never again spoke to her lord. Zobeide, the younger, not only forgave her spouse, but made it a point every day, in reminding him of his fault, to forgive him again most solemnly. Yet was the husband of Zobeide no happier than that of Kadijah ; and when, finally losing pa tience, she procured a divorce from him, the ungrateful wretch only said, ' It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.' Truly, matrimony is a state into which none but the wise should enter, and they do not." Encouraged by the silent approval of 42 Her Majesty the King the Pasha and fortified by a copious draught of the strong waters forbidden, but not unknown, to true believers, concerning the use whereof he had elo quently written: "Hospitality saith, ' Be blind when the guest helpeth him self to thy wine flask ; but be deaf when he asketh for more ' ; also, ' Tempt not thy neighbor with the cup which ine briates, lest he fall ; but, if thy neighbor offer thee to drink, refuse him not, lest thou give him needless pain,' " the Sage continued : " To be constant in love to one is good : to be constant to many is great. " Politeness between husband and wife costeth nothing. Were it other wise, the virtue would be even rarer than it now is. " Marry not any woman out of grati tude, lest perchance she come in time to wonder where the reward cometh in." Her Majesty the King 43 Furthermore, he inculcated the sage maxim : " Save up money for a rainy day, and it is sure to rain." He also added, perhaps irrelevantly, for like other great philosophers he never allowed his mind to be fettered by text or theme, " Be not concerned if thou findest thyself in possession of unexpected wealth. Allah will provide an unexpected use for it." In conclusion, he said impressively, after vainly shaking the now empty wine- flask : " It hath been said of the son of the desert, ' Lo ! he hath sand ' ; but what availeth a whole Sahara, and no sugar to blend therewith ? Or who that hath a river before his door, and never a cow in his barn, shall grow rich in the milk business ? " To this pertinent question the ven erable Muley Mustapha made no re joinder, because in truth he had fallen asleep ere the Sage had been fairly launched on his discourse, which would 44 Her Majesty the King have been lost to posterity, had not the speaker thoughtfully taken notes of the same, a practice commended to all preachers afflicted with drowsy congre gations. Shacabac withdrew silently from the presence, musing not for the first time on the generous lack of appreciation bestowed by the great upon the wise. As he was about to enter his humble domicile, he suddenly perceived a large tiger stretched sleeping before his hearth, whereupon he moved noiselessly to the roof of the house without disturbing the fierce animal or alarming the other inmates who might molest the unbidden visitor. Unhappily, his delicacy was but ill rewarded ; for his rich and parsi monious uncle, whose fortune he sub sequently inherited, on entering the kitchen the next morning, was incon tinently devoured by the ungrateful brute. The sad event was commemo rated by the Sage in a noble threnody, Her Majesty the King 45 wherein the virtue of resignation is beautifully set forth. Rare indeed was the occasion, or dire the catastrophe, from which the worthy man could not extract some moral or material benefit CHAPTER V. An omen, said the Fakir, is a sign of the future. Blame not the omen, but the future, if the sign prove not true. Shira%, the Younger. SO it came to pass that little Muley grew up into his nineteenth year, a tall, well-favored, graceful strip ling, but distinctly a " mother's boy " ; and nobody but his parents and the dis creet Shacabac held, or thought they held, the secret of his effeminate ap pearance. Then one day, sudden and fearful as the khamsin wind of the desert, came a message from the aged grandsire, in forming Muley Mustapha and Kayenna that he had contracted a noble alliance for the heir to his throne with the Prin cess Amine, only daughter of his neigh bor, the powerful King of Nhulpar. Her Majesty the King 47 Now here was a most serious com plication. The King of Nhulpar was the mightiest monarch of all the earth. Twenty caliphates trembled at his nod; an hundred thousand lances were levelled at his word ; the number of wild riders ready to follow his standard were as the sands of the desert multiplied by the sands of the seashore. When he said, " Do this," it must be done, whether it could be done or not. In fact, he rather liked performing impossibilities by proxy, the daring one who failed in the task being added to his Majesty's large and varied collection in the royal mausoleum of Dedhed. Had he known that the Sultan of Kopaul in offering his "grandson's" hand in marriage to the Princess Amine was essaying the most impossible of all impossibilities, he would have been de lighted beyond expression. He had not a single Sultan's head in his album ; but even that of a Pasha was not to be 4 48 Her Majesty the King despised, as Muley Mustapha thought with a shudder, when he was apprised of his father-in-law's well-meant but most compromising negotiations. What was to be done? It was not possible much longer to deceive the old Sultan ; and it was absolutely out of the question to traverse the wishes of the fiery king. " You see to what a pass you and your vagabond Vizier have brought us," said Kayenna. " Now, mayhap, you may be able between you to extri cate us from it." "I I don't know," stuttered the bewildered Pasha, who did not see why he was especially to blame for the blun der of a dead and gone Soothsayer. Then, clutching at the suggestion of a companion in misery, he added : " By all means, my dear, let us call in Shaca- bac ; and he may advise us for the best. He has some very sound views upon matrimony, I know." Her Majesty the King 49 " Yes, no doubt he has," said Kay- enna, ironically. " I can fancy what they are like, but I should wish to have him repeat them to me." Kay- enna did not admire the abstruse phi losophy of Shacabac, which she did not fully understand ; but, with keen femi nine intuition, she knew that it could be only evil, for she disliked the phi losopher. She was, however, seriously impressed with one of his more homely maxims, which she always endeavored to follow, namely : "Talk not with thy guest of his own affairs, for with those he is sufficiently acquainted ; but discourse ever of thine own, of thy good luck and ill, of thy horses, thy ser vants, thy children, and thine ailments. If thou dost not succeed thereby in making him feel at home, thou mayst at least induce him to wish himself there." Fortified by these maxims, Kayenna 50 Her Majesty the King consented to the presence of the Sage at the family council. The messenger despatched for Sha- cabac found him in his lecture hall, dis coursing to a class of scholars on Omens, and illustrating his words of wisdom with apposite examples. Even royalty had to wait until the precious pearls falling from his lips should be gathered by his hearers. He was saying : " It is very lucky to find a horse shoe, if there be a horse attached ; but unlucky, if the owner be about. " It is a bad omen to meet, on leav ing thy house in the morning, a mad dog, a tiger which hath not break fasted, or a man to whom thou owest money. " Steel cuts love. The great Sultan Ras-el-Dasl never knew perfect con jugal bliss after inadvertently throw ing the carving knife at his favorite sultana. Her Majesty the King 5 1 " To break a mirror is also porten tous of evil. Backsheesh, the porter, once incautiously smashed a large pier- glass over the head of his spouse ; and it cost him a month's fees to replace them both. " It is unlucky to sleep thirteen in a bed." Here the Sage was rudely inter rupted by a voice, which said, " I know of something yet more unlucky than all of these, something which neither great nor small, neither Pasha nor Sage, may do with impunity." Shacabac fixed an angry eye in the direction of the intruder, but lowered it when he discovered the speaker to be Badeg, who was gazing at him with a contemptuous leer. " I see a messenger from the palace," said the Sage ; " and this class is now dismissed. Badeg, I will speak with thee anon ; for I would fain know what thou hast learned from the stars that is 52 Her Majesty the King more wondrous than the marvels of which I have humbly discoursed." " Speak as thou wishest, or hold thy tongue, if that be wiser," replied the Astrologer, insolently ; " but my words are for thy betters, who may find them more precious than golden sequins, and only less valuable than my silence." With this significant threat, Badeg wrapped his mantle about him, and strode away, leaving a visible impres sion on the minds of the students, who listened to him in wonder. Shacabac, much disconcerted, re paired to the palace, where he remained long in consultation with the Pasha and his spouse. But, in a case wholly without prece dent in history or fiction, the wisdom of even so great a man as Shacabac is necessarily at fault: the experience of one so aged as Muley Mustapha avails no more than the instincts of a child. Only the intuition of the superior mind Her Majesty the King 53 finds a solution of the difficulty, or, at worst, a means of deferring the ca tastrophe. The present case proved to be no ex ception. After listening patiently to the timid suggestions of her lord and the ineffectual though sagacious aphorisms of the Vizier, Kayenna calmly ob served : " I see that there is but one way of settling the matter. I will go with the child to Nhulpar." " And tell the King the truth ? " cried both men, in consternation. "And tell the King the truth," echoed Kayenna, blandly. " But it will cost both of your lives ! " exclaimed Shacabac. " It will cost me my Pachalik," cried Muley Mustapha, dismally. " It will cost fifty thousand gold se quins, to begin with," replied the noble matron. " As a preliminary step, you will order the First Lord of the Treas ury to go into the Street of the Money- 54 Her Majesty the King changers, taking the Court Torturer along with him, and solicit a loan of that sum, at par, within half an hour. I shall prepare for our departure on the day after to-morrow, at sunrise. You, Shacabac, will come with us. See that the caravan and guards be ready ere the break of day." CHAPTER VI. The man who can invent a good working substi tute for honesty has yet to be invented himself. Eastern Proverb. GREAT were the rejoicings in Ubikwi when the news was an nounced that the young Prince Muley was about to wed the daughter of the mighty King of Nhulpar, becom ing thereby prospective heir not only to the Pachalik of Ubikwi, but also to a great Sultanship and a vastly greater Kingdom. The people rejoiced with great joy, not reflecting that, perchance, the cost of sustaining the triple digni ties might fall heavy on their own shoulders. But it hath ever been the way of the populace to take delight in increased burdens, provided the pack ages only be gaudily decorated; 56 Her Majesty the King wherein they differ from the camel and the ass and other brute beasts, which have no appreciation of aes thetics. The merchants, especially, who ev erywhere boast of being a conservative class, that would rather pay ten piastres of tribute than one for the suppression of brigandage, hastened to lay their loyal congratulations before the Pasha. Shacabac received them affably, and in reply to their address delivered a discourse fraught with practical wisdom, of which unhappily only a few frag ments have been preserved to this day ; but these are not without their value to traders of another and a foreign gener ation. He said : "We have all more or less to do with Commerce. We buy goods, and sometimes pay for them. We sell the precious products of our hands or brains at the best price we can get. If the buyer pays up, we are sorry that we Her Majesty the King 57 did not charge him more. If he fails, we are glad that he did not decide to pay less on the piastre. When we have grown very rich, we speculate ; and that keeps us from being purse-proud and haughty. " Be diligent in keeping your ac counts. It is better to charge an item twice than to forget to charge it once. That is the true principle of Double Entry. " Pay as you go, but not if you in tend going for good. " Boast not of your wealth ; but let humility curb your tongues when the Assessor cometh around. " Buy when the market is rising : sell when it is going to fall. If you be not a prophet, any friend on the Street will notify you of each impending change. Were it not for this unfail ing, beautiful trust in human nature, few of us would be able to make money. 58 Her Majesty the King " In selling goods by sample, let the samples be at least as good as the bulk of the merchandise. " Do not put all the best figs at the top of the crate. Have just as good a layer on the bottom also ; for there are sometimes evil-minded persons who open the package at that end. " Concerning truth : Do not believe all that you hear or see, not even in the newspapers. Advertisers are human and liable to err. "It is a great mistake to suppose that all men are rogues. If there were not a large majority of fools in the world, who would buy stocks ? "The essence of Free Trade is em bodied in the axiom : Buy in the cheap est and sell in the dearest market. This is absolutely correct. I myself have bought shares for * half nothing,' and doubled my money inside of a week. "Time is money. Every second Her Majesty the King 59 saved at your mid-day lunch means so many sequins by and by for your family physician. " Be not angry with your creditors, if they importune you. It is nobler to forgive and forget them. " c Three removes are as bad as a fire,' but that depends largely on how you stand with the underwriters. " Do not judge a customer by the clothes he wears : he may not have paid for them. Be courteous to all men. The humblest of your neigh bors may sit upon your jury one day. " A business man who finds it neces sary to attend a daily noon prayer- meeting is either abnormally virtuous or his piety is of a kind that needs a good deal of stimulus to keep it going." A young man who had listened with attention to this discourse came at the close to Shacabac and asked, " How shall I become rich without too much trouble?" 60 Her Majesty the King " List to me," replied the wise man, " and I will teach thee in six easy con secutive lessons, at one sequin per lesson." The young man, joyfully complying, paid the money, and sat at the feet of the Sage. But, when the course was over, he cried out, " Bismillah ! thou hast taught me naught." " Nay," returned the Sage. " I have taught thee how to make six sequins. Go to, ungrateful one." And the ungrateful one, abashed at the reproof, immediately opened a Commercial College where every branch of Business could be learned " while you wait." But the envious Badeg, looking on, scoffed aloud, saying, " / know how to make a fortune without waiting at all ! " CHAPTER VII. Nevertheless, much depends on a man's horo scope. One is born in the desert, and becomes a brigand ; another is reared in the great city, and publishes books. It is Kismet. Ben Haround. A SPLENDID retinue attended the virtuous Kayenna, the high born Prince Muley, and the Sage Shacabac, as they set out at sun rise of the next day, from the gates of Ubikwi, on the long and toilsome journey to Nhulpar. Muley Mustapha watched them with tearful eyes, not knowing when, if ever, they might return, nor what might be the event of their enterprise ; still less and this con cerned him most sorely what would become of him in their absence. Nor were his forebodings lightened when he beheld the astrologer t Badeg grinning 62 Her Majesty the King malevolently at the departing caravan. He would have been even more dis turbed in mind, had he seen the latter, as the cavalcade was setting forth, pluck the sleeve of Shacabac, and heard him whisper the fateful words : " You asked me what omen was more malign than any of those you named. I will tell you. It is to cheat a mighty Sultan and try to cheat a mightier King by palming off a Princess for a Prince I " Pale with mingled anger and aston ishment, Shacabac rode his camel beside that of Kayenna, and, begging a private interview, hastily confided to her the malignant words of the astrologer. The brow of the fair lady darkened as much as a brow so fair could lose its alabaster hue. Then, summoning her chief of staff, she said to him, " Hark ye, Ben Zoin, trusty servant of my royal father, take at once twenty of your best lances, and, when we shall have reached the well of Al-kohol, and Ben Zmn Her Majesty the King 63 the caravan is in bivouac, steal forth with them, letting no man know it but yourselves, and ride as for your lives to the capital of Kopaul. Demand immediate audience of the Sultan, this signet ring will admit you at any hour, tell him that there is treason in Ubikwi. Bid him summon his forces, and march at once to the relief of my husband. Should he find the rebels contumacious and able to withstand him, let him say to them that Kayenna of Ubikwi, with her son, the Heir Apparent of Nhulpar, and an hundred thousand spears, will be at the gates ere the waning of another moon. Go, and be silent ; for traitors may be in this caravan also." The bearded, black-browed Ben Zoin bowed as he took the sacred signet, and promised to be at the capital of Kopaul as speedily as camel might carry him. " Thou didst well to tell me of that caitiff's words, good Shacabac," said 5 64 Her Majesty the King Kayenna, graciously ; " and, though thou art not over-clever in all things, yet I believe thee honest in most. For this act thou mayst find thyself one day Grand Vizier of three realms, an thou diest not of thy weight of wisdom in the mean time." Laughing gayly as the caravan pres ently came in sight of the oasis of Al-kohol, she gave the order to camp for the night. But ere the second hour of encampment had passed, Ben Zoin and a score of the best lances in the cavalcade had stolen noiselessly out of the enclosure ; and none were missed until the morning's muster. " Where is my trusty Ben Zoin ? " asked Kayenna, when the caravan was forming in order of march. Shaca- bac was so surprised at the question, knowing what he knew, that he was on the point of explaining to her, when a look from her keen eyes closed his lips. Her Majesty the King 65 " God is great," he muttered to him self. " Of a verity, I am becoming an imbecile ; or, mayhap, I have been one all my life without knowing it. If so, Allah be praised ! there is yet some hope for me ; for he who beginneth to understand himself hath at least reached the outer portals of Knowledge. But what an actress she is ! " Nobody seemed able to answer the question propounded so simply. The captains of the guard, all old soldiers and comrades of the missing warrior, said that they knew not how to explain his absence. " He may have gone reconnoitring," said one. " Some mischance hath surely be fallen him in the night," said another. " An evil genie may have spirited away him and his companions," said a third, who was brave, but imaginative, and suspected of composing poetry in his hours off duty. 66 Her Majesty the King " Most likely he hath proven traitor, and deserted," said the voice of an other, who was not of the old guard. " Ha ! what sayest thou ? " cried Kay- enna. " Come hither. Thy words are ominous. Come to my tent at noon day, and we will inquire further. This disappearance must be explained." Nothing more was heard of the miss ing soldier and his fellows ; and the caravan, much disturbed in mind, halted at noon by the oasis of Rhi, near to the wells of Burbon, famed for the exhilar- ating quality of their waters. " And so thou hast reason to appre hend that Ben Zoin and his men have deserted the caravan of the Pasha's wife, being traitors or cowards ? " queried Kayenna of the man who had suggested that explanation at the morn ing muster. " No," stammered the man : " I have no reason, only that it stands to reason that they could not have gone away Her Majesty the King 67 save of their free will ; and what else could they be but traitors if they " " Strange," mused Kayenna, " that an honest man never suspects his neighbor of being a knave, while a rascal is ever distrustful. But suspicion is like a plague. Once started, it attacks all. / even have caught the infection, and cannot withhold my suspicions of this worthy fellow. Let him be searched forthwith, so that my unjust thoughts of him may be forever dispelled." So, in despite of his protestations and even vigorous resistance, he was promptly stripped ; and, lo ! within the lining of his caftan was found a scroll of parchment addressed to his Majesty, the King of Nhulpar. "I did not know," said Kayenna, " that we had in our retinue a bearer of dispatches to the sovereign whom we are about to visit. From our worthy lord, mayhap ? " The poor wretch only shook his head. 68 Her Majesty the King " Not, perchance, from our royal father, of Kopaul ? " The captive groaned. " Then, as it does not appear to be a privileged communication, I will take the liberty of inspecting its contents. Meanwhile, Shacabac, you will bear witness that I have the messenger's per mission to examine the document." As a matter of fact, she had not that permission; but the last man on earth to challenge the statement at that mo ment was the poor wretch pinioned by two stout guards and overshadowed by the giant form of Al Choppah, who, without understanding a word that was said, grinned anticipatively, as a consci entious sinecure might, at the thought of doing something, however trifling, in the line of duty. "To his Most Puissant Majesty, the Mighty King of Nhulpar," read Kayenna, as she unrolled the scroll, " from Badeg, Astrologer-in-chief to Her Majesty the King 69 the Court of Ubikwi, in prospective to the Court of Kopaul, and in humble hope to the Royal Court of Nhulpar, these : " I take this opportunity to inform your most gracious Majesty that the caravan which sets forth this day for your royal court goes upon a wicked and deceitful errand ; namely, to im pose upon your Majesty." " That is enough," said Kayenna, re folding the scroll. " I see that thy master has been good enough to cast the horoscope of the King of Nhulpar ; and a very pretty one it is. Pray tell me, has he cast thine, also ? No ! Well, let me do it for thee. It is not a very bright one; but it hath this advantage over even more auspicious predictions, that it is absolutely and ir revocably true. I do not need to know under what planet or conjunction of the stars thou wast born, nor in what * house ' a single sign of the zodiac was 70 Her Majesty the King domiciled on that unlucky day. Thy fortune began with the moment when thou didst accept the commission of that villain Badeg to play the spy and traitor on this caravan, and it will end ere the sun set on another day. Hast ever heard of the two-headed Snake of Rhi, the horrible monster with a veno mous mouth at either end of his body, wherewith he devours his prey ? What ? Badeg forgot to mention that trifling wonder to thee ? What a dull knave he is to set himself up for an astrolo ger ! In a little while thou shalt know more than he has learned in all his life ; but the knowledge will not abide with thee so long, perchance. Ho there, Al Choppah, put up thy scimitar ! There is rarer sport here. To-morrow there shall be a treat for the caravan and the two-headed Snake of Rhi. " This two-headed serpent," ex plained Kayenna, carelessly, to Shaca- bac, "is a rare monster which delighteth Her Majesty the King ji in flinging himself bodily on his prey, striking it with the middle of his length, then tightening himself, fold on fold, around the victim, until, life being all but crushed out, he feasts with his double heads on the dying body. I care little for such spectacles myself, for I think they savor of the gro tesque ; but it will amuse our car avan, and make a weary hour pass pleasantly." CHAPTER VIII. What is a cryptogram ? asked the Pupil. It is a cipher, replied the Sage. What is a cipher ? persisted the Pupil. It is naught, answered the Sage. Is there a cryptogram in this book ? asked the Pupil. If there be, a Sage alone will find it. It should explain aught that may seem irrelevant. The Wis dom of Shacabac. NOW it happened that, some days before, a guard came unto the tent of Shacabac, leading a tat tered remnant of humanity, who had been found crawling toward the spring in dire distress. After allowing him to slake his thirst, and being unable to obtain from him any coherent expla nation of his forlorn condition, the guard brought him before Shacabac. Her Majesty the King 73 The Sage, after bidding his body-ser vants to relieve the stranger of his valuables, asked him how he came to be in such woful plight. The outcast replied in the Lingua Franca dialect : " Truly, because I could not resist the inducement of a free ride from Nhulpar to Ubikwi ; but the people of my caravan deserted me in the wilderness two days since, and I have been in sore straits to reach this oasis." " And what was thy business in Ubikwi ? " asked the Sage. " None whatever," replied the stranger ; " but it was a free ride, have I not told thee so ? and of course I went along." Struck by this 74 Her Majesty the King remarkable explanation, the Sage asked, " Of what country art thou ? " and the enfeebled one, lifting his head proudly, replied, " I am an American." " Nay," responded Shacabac, " thou art more likely to prove erelong that thou dost belong to a yet more numerous race, that of the deadheads." Nevertheless, he was so moved by the piteous condition of the stranger that he allowed him to join the caravan and lead a pack-camel every day during the rest of the march. And the Sage wrote upon his tablets this precious aphorism : " The free lunch is for the thirsty, not for the hungry." A happy thought now occurred to Shacabac, and he said : " The two-headed Snake is a beauti ful instrument of justice ; but, if your Highness will pardon her slave for offer ing a suggestion, I think that the penalty is a trifle too short-lived. The crime de serves a more prolonged punishment." Her Majesty the King 75 " That is true," rejoined Kayenna ; " but, unfortunately, we omitted to bring the Court Torturer with us on this journey, and we can ill afford to waste precious time in mere diversion. Nevertheless, if you think of any de vice which may serve to enliven the noon hour of rest, do not hesitate to speak. I feel in a kindly mood toward all the world at present, and would not rob so true a friend as yourself of any innocent pleasure." Thus encouraged, Shacabac proposed that the stranger whom the caravan had picked up by the oasis of Rhi should be sent for, and interrogated concerning the criminal jurisprudence of his out landish country beyond the Western Ocean. Kayenna was pleased to look gra ciously upon the suggestion, and im mediately despatched a slave in search of the stranger, who promptly appeared at the entrance of the pavilion of state. j6 Her Majesty the King Great was the surprise of Shacabac on beholding the transformation which had occurred in the appearance of the man, but a few days agone the most forlorn outcast in all the land. From the rich folds of his jewelled turban to the red tips of his Levantine slippers, the whilom vagrant was attired in splendid raiment, and bore himself with that dignity which in Occidental lands marks the owner of sumptuous apparel. Shacabac, whose keen eyes took note of all things, quickly recognized the habiliments before him. " Amrou's turban," he said to him self, making a mental inventory, " Cassim's slippers, and Selim's caftan ! That is the scimitar of Sokum, resting in the sash of Tippoo, the Congo por ter, beside, as I live, the yataghan which I myself did foolishly wager but yester eve on the fall of an idle card ! An this keep on, the rascal will own the whole caravan ere we reach Nhulpar." Her Majesty the King 77 For, by some necromancy known to his barbarian countrymen, the stranger had learned to control the fortuitous movements of inanimate pieces of pasteboard, so that they fell ever as he listed, but always contrary to the wishes of the true believer, who vainly chal lenged fate on what seemed a certain result. Allah alone knoweth how such prodigies are permitted to come to pass. Stifling his anger at this last outrage, because of Kayenna's presence, he bade the stranger kneel at the feet of her Highness, and affably addressed him as follows : " Dog of an unbeliever and scum of the saliva of jackals, her most gracious Highness deigns to ask of thee in what way do thy obscene countrymen punish a knave guilty of high treason against the mockery which they miscall a gov ernment." Whereunto the outcast replied, "Which?" 78 Her Majesty the King " It is not a question of Which or of What," said Shacabac, severely, " but of How. In what way do the mis guided infidels of your country treat their desperate criminals ? for I suppose that not all of them are permitted to escape justice, and flee to more blessed lands, wherein they are enabled to de spoil the followers of the Prophet." "In grave cases," said the stranger, after a moment's reflection, " when the accused has neither friends nor money nor influence, he is subjected to preliminary torture at the hands of what we call the In terviewers. Often he is pres ent in person during the ordeal ; Her Majesty the King 79 but that is largely optional with him, and wholly so with them. In practice it has been found that the most satis factory interviews are conducted in the absence of the subject. It is a matter of taste and convenience. The real ordeal begins when the prisoner is sub jected to the Process of Lor." "And what is that?" asked Kay- enna and Shacabac, as with one breath. " It is a complicated process," was the answer, " but highly instructive. In the first place, the judge, or Cadi, as you would call him, orders twelve men, who know nothing about the case, otherwise they would not be selected, to be arrested and imprisoned until the guilt or innocence of the accused can be established. Absolute ignorance of the question is the prime essential gov erning the selection of the twelve ; but total ignorance of everything consti tutes the ideal qualification of what we call a ( juror.' The less the jurors 80 Her Majesty the King know or are capable of knowing, the greater the probability that they will speedily agree upon a verdict. It is a very wise and ancient provision of Lor," added the stranger, reverently ; " for, if it were something foolish and new-fangled, it would seem impossible that any twelve men of intelligence could agree unanimously upon a ques tion so intricate as those which are usually brought before our juries. Happily, however, the jurors are not supposed to be intelligent ; and, conse quently, they nearly always agree upon a matter concerning which any two of them would scarcely be found in accord outside of the sacred jury-room." " But, when they have agreed," in terposed Kayenna, who had a mind for things concrete, "what happens to the criminal ? " " Oh, the criminal ! " responded the stranger : " he is put under restraint at the beginning of the proceedings, as are Her Majesty the King 81 the witnesses also, if there be any ; but that depends upon whether or not they be able to furnish securities for their appearance in court." " It is a strange system, this admin istration of Lor, as you call it," said Kayenna, not without some suspicion that the stranger was indulging in ro mance ; " but tell me in a word, does it never punish anybody ? " "Does it?" ejaculated the stranger. " Well, I should say it does. It pun ishes everybody, the jurors, the judge, the witnesses, the people who have to hear or read the proceedings of the court, the citizens who have to pay for all the business. Why, even the prisoner himself is sometimes pun ished, and always more or less annoyed by the procrastination and uncertainty of the whole affair. There are times in the life of such a man when he almost feels that Lor itself is a failure. Of course, he has his consolation, such as 82 Her Majesty the King it is, in the flowers and sweetmeats and love-poems sent to him by non-resi dent members of Female Asylums for the Feeble-minded, once he is found guilty of a dazzling crime ; but what are flowers or candy or poetry to a man who feels that he is losing time which might be homicidally valuable to himself and society, under different circumstances ? " The stranger spoke with some heat, as one who might have himself expe rienced the sad uncertainty of Lor ; but Kayenna, with her logical mind, brought him quickly back to the main point. " You say," said she, " that the crim inal is sometimes punished. Describe the process of capital execution." " It varies," responded the stranger, "in the different sections of my coun try. In some places the condemned is strangled : in others he is imprisoned 1 for life,' but usually pardoned after a Her Majesty the King 83 few years. In the State where I last dwelt they have introduced the fashion of electrocution ; that is to say, of kill ing the victim by electricity." " And how is that done ? " queried Kayenna, always interested in anything savoring of novelty. " I fear I cannot explain it clearly without the aid of a Brush generator or a dynamo of some kind, and I do not see anything of the sort hereabout. But your Highness no doubt has often seen the effects of a thunder-storm whereby somebody was slain, in the twinkling of an eye as it were. It is thus that we destroy such of our crim inals as outlive the Process of Lor." " What doth the knave mean ? " asked Kayenna, with a frown, aside to Shacabac. " It passeth my comprehension," was the reply, " but I fear me the dog laugheth at our faces ; for how can any man call down lightning from heaven 84 Her Majesty the King to destroy his enemies ? " Then, ad dressing the stranger, he asked sternly : " Hath this divinity of thine this not very infallible Lor command of the forces of nature, so that it can at will draw down the thunderbolt wherewith to smite its victims ? Thy tale is won drous strange. Her Highness would fain see a proof of it. Take out the culprit, guilty of high treason but yes terday, and let him be f electrocuted,' as thou callest it, before our eyes. Say I not right ? " he added, turning toward Kayenna. " Thou sayest but what is right and just," was the prompt response ; " and I confess that I am interested in see ing the operation of this invention so strangely chanced upon by ignorant unbelievers. Go on, stranger. The victim is ready. Let us see thee elec trocute him forthwith." But, as obedience to that command was wholly beyond the stranger and Her Majesty the King 85 , as he could not give a satisfactory or intelligible explanation of his inability to obey, Kayenna became exceedingly wroth ; and, being moreover a good deal tired of his long and tedious dis quisition on Lor, she settled the matter summarily by saying : " This stranger ;>( is an impostor who hath doubtless fled vvi; from the rude justice of his own coun- ;-:X try. Let him be cast, along with the &> traitor, into the cave of the two-headed Snake ; and thus let there be an end to all knaves and liars ! " This sentence being com municated to the American, he fell at the feet of Kayenna, and begged as a dying request that his picture might be taken before execution. On being asked why he desired that il 86 Her Majesty the King such a crime against the law of Moses as well as of Mohammed should be perpetrated, he only answered, in a somewhat incoherent fashion, " so that it might appear in the papers." " But knowest thou not," said Kay- enna, sternly, " that it is forbidden by thy law, as by ours, to make a graven image or likeness of any living thing? " " O Lord ! " wailed the unhappy man, " surely a newspaper picture does not come under that head ! But take me away," he added despairingly. " People who never heard of electrocu tion cannot be expected to appreciate electrotypes." So he was borne to his dungeon ; and in a short time four stalwart slaves thrust him, along with the condemned traitor, into the mouth of the cave of the horrible two-headed Snake, there to suffer the most cruel death ever con ceived of by mortal mind. But mortal mind erred, at least for Her Majesty the King 87 once. On visiting the cave next morn ing, the executioners found not a trace of the two culprits, wherefore they sup posed that the snake had despatched them promptly. But the snake also was missing, and the closest search disclosed no explana tion of his absence. The mystery was partially solved when the caravan reached the capital of Nhulpar a few days later, and was con fronted at the very gates of the city with flaming placards announcing that THE GREAT AND ONLY WILKINS ACKNOWLEDGED EMPEROR OF THE OPHIDIAN WORLD WILL EXHIBIT FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY THE WONDROUS TWO-HEADED SNAKE SECURED AT AN ENORMOUS EXPENSE FROM THE MXNAGEKIC OF HER ROYAL HIGHNESS KAYENNA THE GREAT AMD EXHIBITED BEFORE THE CROWNED HEADS OP ALL ASIA, EUROPE, AND AFRICA PRIOR TO HIS IMMEDIATE RETURN TO AMERICA CHAPTER IX. There are times when it is inexpedient, if not actually immoral, to kill the bediamonded clerk of a caravansary. Manco Capac. KAYENNA was at first deeply incensed on reading those ad vertisements, and would fain have invoked the assistance of the King of Nhulpar to punish the culprit; but Shacabac sagely counselled her, saying : " Let it be. If the people of Nhulpar believe in this two-headed Snake, all the more will they reverence thee who art supposed to own others of the kind ; and meanwhile the terror of thy name shall be spread throughout the earth. But [he added to himself] I would that I had the knave who de frauded me of my trusty yataghan, or Her Majesty the King 89 knew the secret whereby he made his cards fall as he willed. Great is Phi losophy, and marvellous is Science ; but miraculous is this thing which the Giaours call * Luck.' Methinks it hath more to do with Science than with Philosophy. Would that the knave had stayed with me long enough to explain the strange mutations of that mysterious game which he calleth Po-kah ! " But ere this had come to pass, and while the caravan was crossing a sandy, waterless stretch of desert, Kayenna summoned the Sage to her side, and, smiling in a knowing way, asked, " Hast thou, in thy long experience, ever heard of a more difficult problem than that which confronts us, or a de vice whereby such a grave difficulty might be overcome ? " Shacabac had by this time conceived a profound respect for the genius of Kayenna; yet he could not imagine 90 Her Majesty the King any stratagem by which she might ex tricate herself and him and the fortunes of Ubikwi and Kopaul from the im pending dilemma. " Nay," he an swered modestly, " I have heard of many, but of none so intricate as this. And I own that my heart weighs heavier with every step of our journey. Will not your Highness deign to tell her meanest slave how she purposes to carry us in safety to Nhulpar and home again, with our heads on our shoulders ? " " O Shacabac," laughed Kayenna, " thou art only a man, after all, and a bachelor at that. Hast never heard of even a man's outwitting another, not to speak of the endless resources of his superior, Woman ? " A little piqued at this sally, Shacabac replied : " Truly, I have known of some such ; but they were all as child's play compared with this coil. There was the case of the Ameer of Khali- Her Majesty the King 91 Mazu, who, being secretly envious of the great Sultan Djambhori, sought to compass his ruin by a gift of twoscore large and healthy elephants, the bare feeding of which for one twelvemonth would have emptied the royal ex chequer. To have sold or given away the animals would have been a grave discourtesy." " That was rather a pretty dilemma," admitted Kayenna. " How did Djam bhori escape it ? " " He escaped it," replied Shacabac, " by having the animals quietly de spatched, and their tusks made into keys for twoscore grand pianos, the which he sent as presents to the wives of the Ameer, thus nobly revenging the wrong that had been done him. The Ameer, struck with remorse on perceiving the magnanimity of his foe, committed suicide shortly after the arri val of the pianos, and while the harem yet resounded with the practice lessons 92 Her Majesty the King of his devoted wives. The incident," added Shacabac, " attracted much atten tion at the time, and led to the strict laws since passed against the importa tion of elephants and pianos into Khali- Mazu." "Verily, the device was ingenious," commented Kayenna ; " but it hardly matches what is required of us in a few days hence. Hast thou ever heard of a youth so situated that he could not fill any office in the land, yet rising to the highest, and that, too, without awak ening the hostility of a single human being, notwithstanding the fierce jeal- . ousy which assails even those of lofty rank when they aim for rank yet higher?" " Never," answered Shacabac, "un less [bethinking himself of one remark able exception] unless it be that of Dar-Khos, a slave who once attained by a single stroke to boundless wealth, high rank, and length of days, merely Her Majesty the King 93 by refusing to obey the commands of his master, the great Sultan Al- Kali." " That sounds interesting," said Kay- enna ; " and how did it happen ? " "In this wise," responded Shacabac. " The Sultan and his slave, travelling without escort, came to a deep and wide river ; and the Sultan ordered Dar-Khos to go forward and ford the stream. * Nay,' answered the slave, with great humility, { the dog followeth his mas ter.' Being pleased with which reply, the Sultan plunged into the stream, and presently sank in a quicksand, so that naught of him was visible save only his turban, in which he had hidden, for greater security, the crown jewels and other valuables. These, with great dif ficulty, did Dar-Khos rescue, and by judiciously investing them was enabled to secure the nomination and election to the vacant sultanship. And the moral thereof is, A drowned man 94 Her Majesty the King dreadeth the water, but a wise one shunneth it from the beginning." " Thy tale is amusing," commented Kayenna, " and the moral is as irrele vant as a moral should be ; but both are far and wide from the purport of my question : How is a poor, weak woman to soothe the chagrin and placate the anger of two mighty monarchs, when they find that nature hath been greater than herself and they together ? " But Shacabac had naught to answer ; for, indeed, the same problem had been puzzling his head for many days, and making that head seem to fit very loosely on his shoulders. It was a sad business all round; and he cursed the hour in which he had been tempted from his scholarly seclusion to aid in the wild schemes of a desperate woman ; saying to himself, " A bird on toast is worth two on a bonnet," which indeed is a truth that any child might compre hend. CHAPTER X. Surely, thou dost not expect strangers to pay for thy books. And, surely, thou wouldst not ask thy friends to buy them. Seek some other way of achiev ing wealth through letters. And let me know if thou findest it The Pauper Poet. RIGHT royal was the welcome given to the caravan and its illustrious passengers on reach ing the suburbs of the capital of Nhul- par. Imposing ranks of soldiery, horse and foot, lined both sides of the broad road for at least five miles without the gates. On entering the city, they found the streets carpeted with roses, hung on both sides with gorgeous banners, and canopied with evergreen arches spangled with flowers of every hue. Before coming into the presence of the king, they were treated to a rare feast of intellect. First, a chorus of 96 Her Majesty the King ten thousand school-children, attired in white, sang a hymn of welcome, con sisting of three hundred and forty stanzas, each replete with a tender thought or dainty conceit. Then fol lowed an address from the chief men of the city, setting forth at much length the ancient friendship existing between the two nations, a friendship which was now about to be cemented more firmly than ever. With great felicity and originality of thought the speaker pointed out that the people of Ubikwi and the people of Nhulpar were of the same origin, speaking the same language, that of Omar and Abdullah. "We must be friends," he said, "for the sake of our common blood, our common language, and the common Koran which teaches us all. A quarrel between two such peoples would be a crime against humanity/* If the speaker overlooked the fact that such crimes had been committed Her Majesty the King 97 once or twice already, with the enthu siastic consent of both parties, that was neither here nor there. The sentence was well turned, and that is enough to expect of a state oration. Kayenna and her suite, most of them being mutes, listened with rare courtesy and patience to the addresses which followed ; but Shacabac, who had not yet broken his fast, and it was now high noon, was visibly and audibly wearied by the cere monies, and devoted one hun dred and sixty-three pages of his inimitable diary to a scath ing denunciation of the vice of prolixity. There were addresses from The Incorporated Associa tion of Muezzins ; The Imaum Brotherhood ; 9 8 Her Majesty the King The Dancing Dervishes, who spoke as well as danced ; The Santon Society ; The Ancient Order of Arabian Knights, one thousand and one strong, each in turn relating a sprightly anec dote; The Brethren of Backsheesh, numer ous and influential ; The Camel Drivers' Association ; The Fraternity of Water Carriers ; Thirty-two ex-presidents of the So ciety for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, seated in a beautiful chariot drawn by a cream-white pony ; Citizens generally. Following these came interesting songs and recitations by local talent, all encored. Nor was the impatience of Shacabac relieved when a portly per sonage in spectacles was introduced by the presiding officer as " the far-famed and immortal Ben H around, the Pauper Poet." Her Majesty the King 99