LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA RIVERSIDE 'T{^eacU'- lo heerc thou, /vtU tn^ foxcs j iridr , Out of the body, t'other oj' ike Tflindc-^ nius by ifu C rauver fv, that njith rriutb Jtrijr, njcc ikmAe 'B rcrn-tC d^ad, Uis dra^ncjo la tkelifc nTiat ky's onmc pen's cIoAjc Jo iriaein,otjLy HIlclI who read's "-^ tivuJ^ Lfcin.kc hce n^etrfiialtdy n I HE DRAMATIC WORKS OF RICHARD RROME CONTAIN- ING FIFTEEN COMEDIES NOW FIRST COLLECTED IN THREE VOLUMES VOLUME THE FIRST LONDON JOHN PEARSON YORK STREET COVENT GARDEN 1873 FIVE NEW PLAYES, ( Fh.) I Madd Couple well matcht. Novella. THE "i Court Begger. City Witt. Damoifelle. By Richard Brome. LONDON, Printed for Humphrey Mo/eley, Richard Alar- riot, and Thomas Drinz, and are to be fold at their Shops, 1653. AMS PRESS, INC. NEW YORK 1966 AMS PRESS, INC. New York, N.Y. 10003 1966 Manufactured in the United States of America TO THE READERS. BELOVED, BEING to write to a multitude of you, {for I know you will be many) I forbear Epithets, becaufe the fame will not fit all; and I hate to make difference among Freinds. I have often con^dered with myfelfe, whether I were best to Dedicate this Booke or no ; and I have thought on the m^aine ends of Dedications, which I finde generally to be Flattery or Want. To the one my nature was ever averfe : A nd (were m,y Debts all payd to m,e and by me) I fiiould not be much concerned in the other. As for the two ordinary pretences, namely, Gratitude, or Patronage, like Religion a7id Liberty, they are made but the Vizors to fomewhat elfe. For is it not a high peice of Gratitude, when an Author has received favours from his Mecsenas, to requite him with a Booke ; and to take, or expe6l, two or three Peices from, him for it, when another man fiiall buy the fame Book of the thriving Sta- tioners, for halfe a Crowne ? A nd for Patronage or Prote6lion, / would faine know, if The Epijlle, if an Author writes like a Cockfcombe, whe- ther any Patron can protefl hi?n from being taught at. And he that writes well, makes every one his Patron without a Dedication. But in Epijiles of this natm^e, fome thing is ufually begg d ; and I would do fo too, but, I vow, am puzzled, what. Tis not acceptance, for then youle expe6l I fJiould give it ; tis not Money, y^r then I fJioud loofe my labour; tis not pralfe, for the Author bid me tell you, that, now he is dead, he is of FalftafFs 7Jiinde, a^id cares not for Honour; lis not pardon, for that fuppofes a fault, which (/ beleeve) you cannot fi?ide. But, if yoiile htow what it is, it is that you would expefl 710 thing elfe of Preface, orApologie, from Yours, as his owne, A. BROME. y^ Prcsludiu7n to Mr. RICHARD BROMES Playes, THen we fhall ftill have Playes ! and though we may Not them in their full Glories yet difplay ; Yet we may pleafe our felves by reading them, Till a more Noble Acft this Acft condemne, Happy will that day be, which will advance This Land from durt of precife Ignorance ; Diflinguifh Morall Virtue, and Rich Wit, And graceful! AHioti, from an unfit Parenthefis of Coughs, and Hums, and Haes, Threfhing of Cufhions, and Tautologies. Then the dull Zelots fhall give way, and flye. Or be converted by bright Poeile. Apollo may enlighten them, or elfe In Scottifli Grots they may conceale themfelves, Then iTiall Learn'd Joh/i/on reaffume his Seat, Revive the Phanix by a fecond heat. Create the Globe anew, and people it, By thofe that flock to furfet on his Wit. Judicious Beaumont, and th' Ingenious Soule Of Fletcher too may move without controule. Shakefpeare (mofl rich in Hjunours) entertaine The crowded Theaters with his happy veine. Davenant and Majfinger, and Sherley, then Shall be cry'd up againe for Famous men. And the Dramatick Mufe no longer prove The peoples Malice, but the peoples Love. Black, and white Fryers \.oo, fhall flourifh againe, Though here have bin nonefince Queen Mary's reign. Our Theaters of lower note in thofe More happy dales, fhafl fcornc the ruflick Profe Of a yack-pudding, and will pleafe the Rout, With wit enough to beare their Credit out. {c) A 2 The L vi ] The Fortune will be lucky, fee no more Her Benches bare, as they have flood before. The Bull take Courage from Applaufes given, To Eccho to the Taurus in the Heaven. Laflly, St. James may no averfion fhow, That Socks, and Buskins tread his Stage below. May this Time quickly come, thofe dales of Bliffe Drive Ignorance down to the dark Abiffe. Then (with ajuflly attributed praife) Wee'l change our faded Broom, to deathleffe Baies. AJlon Cokaine. To the Stationer, on thepMblifhin^ M""* Bromes Comedies. g Since Poems of this nature, honeft Freind Do, of themfelves, nor praife, nor dif- comend An Author or his Work ; but He, and It, Muft by the Readers Palate rife or fet ; What need we write Encomiums, or expofe Our judging Rhymes, to be laught at in Profe ? We're Hke Godfathers (as they're us'd of late) Not to Engage for Children, but give Plate. And truely fcarce there is a Poet known, That Praifes others wit, but clawes his own. But tis the Cuftome, and who won't fubmit, Mufl be efleem'd a Schifmatick in wit: And therefore in obedience to the power, He tell the World, I've read thefe Poems o're, And in them finde fo naturall a vaine Of [ vii ] Of clean, rich Fancie, in fo pure a ftraine : That I may fafely fay, who does not love it, Can't for his life write any thing above it. This witty Pen, this mirthfuU Comick ftyle, Makes us at once both ferious, and fmile. Wraps ferious truths in fab'lous myfteries, And thereby makes us merry, and yet wife. No Gods, or Goddeffes his rimes fupply'd, One he ador'd, and all the reft defy'd. No ftradling Tetrafyllables are brought To fill up room, and little fpell, or nought. No Bumbaft Raptures, and no lines immenfe. That's call'd (by th' curtefie oi England) fence. But all's fo plaine, that one may fee, he made T'inform the underftanding, not invade it. (it And the defignes fo probable, that though They be not true, tis like they may be fo. Thus Travellour-like, I do inform our Nation. Being return'd, what is my Obfervation. But if, as Coriat did, I do relate Buildings, and Gallowfes, not A(5ls of State ; Pardon my want of Skill, and He be Debtor To him, that on perufall notes things better. Alex. Bromc. Upon upon the Ingenious Comedies of M'- Richard Brome. SEE the Jlrange twirle of Times / when (fiich poore things Out-live the Dates place our fence, ' Twixt Beafts, and us, pray what's the differ- Poets are the Cuftodes of our Fame, {ence ? Were t not for Homer, zf>^. Car. Yes Sir, an honefl true hearted civill fellow he is, as I have manag'd him, he can fay grace now. Thr. The world's well mended. To morrow you fhall give me a note of your debts George, which rie take order for, if I may prefume you have any. Car. Some driblets Sir, My credit has not lately Wrong'd me much. Sav. You fpeake fententioufly, for credit fought WithTradef-men,thentheirwaresaredearer bought: So Gentlemen are wronged. Thr. Then not to wrong our felves, lets in to Dance. Exeunt o?n?ies. ACT. II. SCENE. I. Alicia, Lady, Serving^nan, Prentice. Al. \ LL Cheape-fide, and Lombard-ftreete jT^Madam, could not have furnifli'd you with a more compleat bargaine, you will find it in the wearing, and thanke me both for the goodneffe of the ftuffe, and of the Manufa6lure. La. But now the price Miftriff Saleware. I grant your Commodity is good, The Gold and Silver Laces, and the Frienges are rich, and I hope well wrought. Has your Man made a note of the particulars, and their prices, at the rate of ready- C 2 money 20 A mad Couple well MatcJid. money (for I buy fo) and not as you would booke 'em to an under-ag'd heire,or a Court-Cavalier to expe6l payment two or three yeares hence ; and finde it perhaps never, I come with Here is one for tother. Al. I know your Ladifhips payment fuch ; And they are priz'd fo Madam to a farthing. La. Let mee fee, broad plate Silver and Gold- lace, 206 Ounces halfe, and a dram, at five and ten pence the Ounce, 60 1. 5 s. 3 d. ob. 4. five and ten pence an Ounce is deare. Al. \ proteft unto you Madam that parcell of Lace for a Bed as you intend it, was befpoken, and agreed for at fix (hillings the Ounce by a very great perfon : but becaufe ready money came not to fetch it off, Fortune referv'd it here for you, you could not have been fo fitted on the fodaine elfe within London walls ; and I am glad the fame fortune was fo favourable to me, as by my hands to defigne it for your Ladifhips ufe and pleafure. I hope Madam we fhall hear of a young heir a comming fhortly, and that will make it a rich and fortunate Bed in- deed ; And then Sir Olyvcr would thanke me too. La. What a bold flut it is, well then the reft of the particulars here of Laces, and Frienges, Loopes, and Buttons, makes the fum of all an hundred pound eight fliillings foure pence, halfe-penny. I am no good Arithmetician, but if any be overcafl, and overpaid, you muft allow reftitution. Al. Yes, good Madam. La. Is all put up into this Box .-' Al. All Madam. La. Give mee my Purfe. Take you home that while I make payment for it ; your Gold-weights Miftris Saleware. Exit Servant. Al. Here Madam all in readineffe. La. You take no Gold but what is weight, I prefume. AL A mad Couple well MatcJid. 21 Al. 'Tis but light paines to weigh it Madam. But let me fave your Ladifhip that labour. La. Nor fliall it be your trouble, command your Servant I pray for a glaffe of your beere Al. Some beere for my lady prefently. Exit. Prentice. La. That I may tell you in more privacy, what perhaps you would not have him heare : for Prentifes though they are bound to keepe their Mafters fecrets, are not all privy to their Miftreffes ; that's more a Journeymans Office. Al. Your Ladyfhip is pleas'd. La. Not very well with my felfe, for I have gone beyond my Commiffion in this bargaine, and ex- ceeded my Husband's allowance. Here's one hundred pounds eight fhillings 4 d. ob. in the Bill, and he allows me but the bare hundred pound. Al. The od money is but a fmall matter Madam. La A great matter in an honeft poore Countrey Ladies purfe, may ferve her a whole Chriftmas at Pofl and Pare, or Farthing gleeke, when the gay Gamfters wives o' the City may command the hundreds, out of the purfes of fuch poore Ladies Husbands. But here is the odd money, eight fhillings foure pence, half penny, and fo all's paid. Al. What meanes your Ladifhip.'' La. Doe you not underftand mee then ? I'le tell you that which I thought fit to conceale from your fervant ; And from your husband too had hee been here, perhaps he knowes not on't. My husband left with you, or lent you the laft Terme a hundred pound, which hee affign'd to me ; and now I have it in Commodity. Had you forgot it, when it was to do you a good turne, when your abfent husband faild you, and you wanted it. ALA good turne Madam } La. Yes, was it not to have the free ufe of a C 3 hundred 22 A mad Couple well MatcJid. hundred pound ready money, a whole quarter of a yeare, through a dead Vacation, and at laft to take it out in wares ? A good turne I thinke for a Tradef-woman ; take heed you do not by your fullenneffe make me fufpe6l another kind of good turne, or that you did my husband any to my injury, nor deny the receipt of his money, left I take up a violence that will not become mee, nor you be able to beare. Be therefore well advis'd both in what you fay, and who heares me. Somebody comes. Enter Prentice with Beere. Al. Madam your Beere. La. rie pledge you Miftris Saleware. Al. \ fhall prefume then Madam Drinks. La. This was right caft, was it not friend .-* Pre. Your Ladyfhip will finde it fo La. Drinks. A I. And I hope you will finde your money fo well beftowd Madam, that you will vouchfafe al- ways to know the Shop. La. Ever upon the like occafion, Miftris Sale- ware, fo moft kindly farwell fweet Miftris Saleware. Al The humbleft of your fervants Madam. Open the Boot for my Lady. La. 'Tis done, my Coach-man does it. Exit. Al I would the Dcvill were in your Coachmans Coat to take his carriage for his paines. Lady returnes. La. One word more Miftris Saleware,z2iX\\t be he.-' Al. Lay your comands on me good Madam. Curt fie. La. Not to your trouble, I perceive a young Gentleman attends for conference with you. Is not his name Fitzgcrrard? Al. No Madam, his name is Bclla^nie, much de- pending on the young Lord Lovely. La. 1 thought I had known him, hee is a hand- fome A mad Coiiple well MatcJid. 2 3 fome youth. I cannot blame you now with him : but beware of old Knights that have young Ladies of their owne. Once more adieu fweet Miflris S a lew are. Exit. Al. Moft courteous Madam — and once more to the Devill. But on my life her chaft Ladifhip is taken with this beard-leffe Bellamie. How fhe fliot eyes at him ! Bel. Now may you rfervantobtaine a hearing Lady. Al. My eares are open Sir. Bel. But you are fad or angry, why feemes that brow to threaten a subje6lion over him that is your vanquifh'd captive ; or has Cupid plac'd his Bow there bent at me, whofe heart already lodges all his Arrowes, never to be reftor'd but by your pity t Al. Fie, fie upon't ! what talke is this I I am vex'd and you would mad me. Bel. What has difpleas'd you .'* Al. A croffe bufmeffe that has happened in my Shop to day, I being none of the wifeft Chapwoman, have underfold a parcell of the befl Commodities my husband had. And fhould hee know't wee fhould have fuch a fcwable. Bel. Husbands fliould be fo ferv'd that do impofe Thofe mercenary Oflices on their wives. Al. Talke fo, and I will heare you, your amorous notes found like Play-fpeeches. Bel. Servile, nay flavifli Offices, ranking their wives with their prentifes. Al. They pretend onely that wee fhould over- looke our fervants, when they but fet us there for fhew to draw in cuftome : but in making us fuch over-feers they are overfeene themfelves ; Shop- keepers-wives will be meddling and dealing in their kinde, and as they are able, as wel as their hus- bands (fome much better, and more profitable) but I was overreach'd I confcffe. * VOL. I. C 4 Bel. 24 A mad Couple well MatcJid. Bel. For no great matter I hope. Al. No, the matter was not much (that never fretted me) but the manner has eene kild a Shee (hop-keeper. I cannot be long-Hv'd, here under a Pent-houfe, as my Lord (you kn,ow) told mee when he faid he would fhut mee out of this fervitude, and that I fliould change my Coat, though my husband could not, before hee were an Alderman, and be rank'd with Ladies. Bel. My Lord has ftill the fame regard of you. Al. So it appeares by the Tailor and the Mercer, whom be fent foure dayes fmce to meafure me out, and fute mee to his Honour, and no returne of them found, yet his Land might ha' beene meafur'd all and fold, while a poore fute is dreampt on, had he borne the mind of fome Lord .-' Bel. I doubt not but this paper will cleare that jealoufie. And while you reade I'le fpeake that which I dare not utter through, Sighes and Blufhes to an intire attention. I am of Noble-blood my felfe, free-borne. And not without good education ; But fmce I am ingag'd in this imployment, And made an inftrument of others luft, I finde my felfe a fcandall to my Name, To Honour, and to Vertue, the bafe blot Of Pandare fticking on me. But not this Alone is my affli6lion. Here's my torment. That while I doe true fervice to my Lord (Whom I muft ever honour) in my Angcncy Unto your felfe (whom I cannot but love) I finde my felfe a Traytor to his truft, In my negotiation for my felfe. Nor can I finde it poffible to defift. Mine own attempts, to you, or forbeare to urge Your conftancy to him. Al. How eafie a worke 'Twere A mad Couple well Match! d. 2$ 'Twere for one woman to fupply'em both, And hold her husband play to levell Acoile, A wooden tWo-leav'd booke, a paire of Tables Would do't. Bel How wretched is that fuppliant, who muft make Sute to obtaine that, which he feares to take! A I At the beare at the Bridge- foot fix a clock, good Sir, I finde my Lords honorable appointments here, and have heard you all this while. Bel Now I could wifh, and was in hope you had not. Al I will not blame you on your Lords behalfe ; Becaufe you have enough rebuk'd your felfe. But Sir, if you prefume upon the favour I give your Lord, and therefore to obtaine me, Caufe I am his, you undervalue me To thinke that I can ftoop unto his fervant. Though almoft his Companion, you may thinke After that degradation by degrees, I may, in time, defcend unto his Footman, I'me no caft Garment of his Lordfliips yet. Bel You have fchool'd mee fairely, I am humbled, Lady Gomg. A I Dee heare, dee heare fir, Mr. Bellamme, One word before you goe. Pren. What would hee buy Miftris .-' can you take his money } Sir dee heare .-' Al Pray attend you the tother end o' th' Shop, If I cannot handle a Cuftomer, why dos your Mafler truft mee .'' Could a frowne fright you .-' Let a fmile then cheare you. Bel. And that's a heavenly one, As that of Cynthia at Endymion. (preflTions, Al Pray leave your Player-like paffionate ex- And 26 A mad Couple well MatcJid. And if you love mee, like a Man fpeake to me. As I am a Woman ; are you filent ? if you doubt the length of my mans Eares at that diftance, you may whifper what fo ? But that is a right fhop- whifper indeed with Trades-women that are hand- fome ; Is that the mofl you will give fir ? Could I afford it fo, doe you thinke I'd make two words w'ye ? yet this before you goe Kiffe. Now match it for the price I'le give it you for nothing. Bel. I fliall forget I have a Lord. I mufh forget him here. Al. Doe fo, and if (I fay) you love mee, fpeake plainely what you would have mee doe, or what you would doe with mee (I love to dant thefe young things that love before they can love to the purpofe, or fpeake to't handfomely like a Boy that would faine be fhooting at wild-fowle, before hee knowes how to difcharge a Birding-piece) I would heare you fpeake, you have often muttered and fribled fome intentions towards me, but I would heare you fpeake. Come, if you love me lay by the feare of the Lord that fent you, and tell me roundly now, what you would have me doe t Bel. I would intreat you AL Well, what.? Bel. That you would be pleas'd AL With what ? or to doe what t Bel. To weare this paire of Silke ftockings for me. Al. Is that all your fute, 'tis granted, with my thanks to you ; Have you no more to fay .'* Bel. Yes, I fay you are the beautifuH'ft of Women ; and that my Lord in your enjoyment is the happieft Al. Nay thinke not of your Lord, but aske me, fomething. Bel. I would but dare not hope for fuch a favour, you'l never grant it, my unworthineffe. AL A mad Couple well MatcJid. 27 Al. How can you tell ? Bel. You will not wrong my Lord, fo as to doe it. Al. Not in his fight perhaps. What is it .'' come. Bel It is Al. It is then, let it be fo. Go to Schoole child. Bel. It is — That you would, let me — give you And grace it with your Finger. (this ring, Al. Will that be a wrong to your Lord .'' Bel. Yes, to weare any favours, but his own. Al. Dos he know this } Bel. No, nor I would not that he fhould (and given by me) for all the Rubies in Cheapfide, where I bought this but now, over the way. Al. Come fir, I'le dally w'ye no longer, I know what you would have with me. Bel. And now you will betray me : I am fham'd then and undone. Al. No, but I have you o' the hip. 'Tis plaine you would lie with me : deny it if you can. Bel. O deare, did I fay fo now .'' Al. What need you when I know it, you would lie with me, and you fhall. Take courage man. Bel But, in good earneft, fhall I .? fhall I .' Al. Yes, in good earneft, you'l finde it no trifling bufineffe, when you come to't once. But fir, upon condition. Bel. Any condition Lady. Al. All purpofe on't is loft, and all comes out elfe. Bel. Name your condition, I'le performe it if it be in the power of my life. Al. You faw here at your comminga faire Lady. Bel. I tooke no notice of her. Al. But fhe did of you, Ibe is calld the Lady Thrivewell. Bel. Sir Oliver Thrivewells Lady .-' Al. The fame, you have known her it feemes. Bel. Scene her before fhee was married. Al. 28 A mad Couple well MatcJid. Al. \ will be briefe with you, as you love mee fhee loves you as eagerly, but with much more bold- neffe, you faw her whifper mee, and how loth fhee was to depart, when her eye was upon you. Bel. I did obferve it. AL Shee is my noble friend, and the fweetefl Lady. I need not fet her out. But though you thinke you fuffer in your honour, in being an in- ftrument twixt your Lord and mee, with the bafe blot of Pander fticking on you, (thefe were your words) I have ingag'd my felfe for her to be your Pandareffe ; be fo, I fhall be even with you in bufi- neffe if you account it fo. Bel. What dee meane Lady .-* Al. To urge againfl my felfe, for that fweete Lady, which no Woman elfe I thinke would doe, that loves you fo unfainedly as L But 'tis my fate, and the injun6lion I muft lay upon you, to make mee yours. That firft you give your felfe to her Embraces ; I'le give you means for your acccffe to her, and your fucceffe with her, which done, and on your faith afhrm'd to mee, 'tis fo, I will perpetually bae yours more freely then your Lords. Bel. You urge this but to try my conftancy. Al. For that I'le fatisfie you foon, my husband coming wc muft to night at the Beare My Lord writes fo. Enter Saleware. Sal. And there I will dire6l you in your progreffe. Ally how doft .'' Mr. Bellamy how ifl } How dos my noble Lord } You are fad methinks. Ha' you over- bought any thing here, and fo repent your bargaine .■* Or cannot my wife, and you agree upon't .-' you muft ufe Mr. Bellamy kindly my fwcet Ally : hee is our nobleft Lords moft fpeciall favorite, and mufl finde all faire dealing here, as well when I am abroad as at home fweet heart. Bel. A mad Couple well Matclid. 29 Bel. You heare not me complaine fir, fare you well. Exit. Sal What an AfTinego's this ! He might ha' thank'd mee for my good words, though I meant him no good will, I hope thou haft overreach'd him indeed, Al Thomas your hopes are vaine, Thomas in feating mee here to overreach, or underreach any body. I am weary of this Mechanick courfe Thomas ; and of this courfer habit, as I have told you divers and fundry times Thomas, and indeed of you Thomas that confine me to't, but the bound muft obey. Sal. Never the fooner for a hafty word, I hope fweete Ally ; Not of me nor of my fhop I prethee at feafonable times Love. But for thy habit (though this be decent on a Citizens wife) ufe thine owne fancy, let it be as Courtly, or as Lady-like as thou pleafeft, or my Lords defires. A I. Then I am friends agen. Sal Troth, and I'le call thee friend, and I prethee, let that be our familiar and common compellation : friend it will found daintily, efpecially when thou fhalt appeare too gallant to be my Wife. AL Then let it be fo friend. Sal. Intruth it fhall, and I am very much taken with it. Friend I have found a Cuftomer to day that will take off my rich parcell of broad Bed-lace, that my Lord Paylate befpoke, and left on my hands, for lack of money. Al \ have fold it already friend, with other Laces at a good rate. Sal And all for ready money friend .-' Al. Yes friend, a hundred pounds, and fomewhat more. Sal Who would be, or who could live without fuch a friend, in fuch a fhop .-' This money comes fo 50 A mad Couple well MatcJid. fo pat for a prefent occafion, to flop a gap. It has ftopt a gap already friend. Al. \ have difpOs'd of the money, the odd hun- dred pound for apparrell, friend, and other accom- modations for my felfe. Sal. Never the fooner for a hafty word I hope friend. Al. I have done it friend, whereby to appeare more Courtly, and Ladilike as you fay, to gaine you more cuftome to your Shop. Sal. Uuch friend Is it fo "i Al. And friend you muft not be angry, or thinke much of it, if you refpe6t your profit friend. Sal. I were no friend but a wretch if I would. No let it goe friend, and Sapientia viea inihi is my word, I muft not grudge at my friend in any thing. Al. Then friend, let your fhop be your own care for the reft of this day, I have fome bufmes abroad. Sal. Whither fweet friend .-' Al. Is that a friendly queftion .-^ Sal I am corre6led'friend, but will you not take a Man to wait upon you } A I. To watch me, fhall I } and give you account of my a6lions .-^ was that fpokc like a friend ? Sal. I am agen correfted friend. Doe your own pleafure, you'l returne to fupper, A I. Yet againe ? Sal. And agen, I am corre6led friend : A I. Neither to fupper, nor to bed perhaps. Sal. Never the fooner for a hafty word I hope. Al. But if I chance to ftay, you cannot be a faith- ful friend and aske mee where, or in what company, fricndfhip you know allowes all liberty. Exit. Sal. Sapientia tnea inihi. A wity wife, with an imperious will. Being croft, findes meanes to cro ffe her Husband ftill ; And A mad Couple well MatcJid. 3 1 And Tradefinen that fo match, muft not with Gall Temper their wives, but fweetly by wit-all. Exit. Enter Carelcffe, with two Letters in his hand, and Wat with a Candle, and Wax. Car. Dos not the World come finely on, Wat, \\di} And have not wee convenient commings in already, ha ! Shew Gold. Wat. Better than wee know how to have payd, for that's the glory on't. Car. I need no more infconfing now in Ravi-alley, nor the Sanftuary of White-fryers, the Forts oi Fiil- lej^-rents, and Milford-lane, whofe walls are dayly batter'd with the curfes of bawling creditors. My debts are pay'd ; and here's a ftock remayning of Gold, pure Gold harke how fweetly it chincks. Carelefs feals his Letters. Wat. Yes, and 'twill ring the changes fhortly. Car. For neceffaries Wat, for neceffaries it fhall change, and Ring all out, and 'twil fo long as I have an Unkle, and know to mannage him, let money I can no fafter fpend then he fupply. (flie, Wat. For neceffaries fir, but you mufl not now count Sack and Tobacco, Whores and Fidlers in abundance, neceffaries. Car. Why pray .'' Wat. Becaufe you'l have but little then for ex- traordinaries. That is to fay in a Gentleman for charitable, and pious works and ufes. Car. The fellow's fpoy'ld. Wat. Not fpoy'ld neither : For I would but wave your purpofe of flying at all new Game, and negle6l your poorc whore, who now begins to be fo violent for wrongs, fliee can no longer beare, that fhee in- tends to purfue you with her complaints hither to your Unkles Houfe. Car. My Unkles houfe .^ my houfe. Is not the firft Mornings draught mine t Wat. 32 A mad Couple well Ma tcJi d. Wat. With great reafon, for you are firft dry in the morning. • Car. Is not the queftion firfl ask'd mee, what will you have to breakfafl ? what will pleafe you for Dinner, and what for Supper? Has not my Unkle let out monies, and taken Bonds and Mortgages in my name ? doe not his Tenants crowch to mee, and his fervants all call me voung Mafter ? And dos not my Unkle take care to marry mee to ten thou- fand pound, and a thing like a wife ? Wat. You have got a brave poffeffion here, I muft needs fay ; and I applaud your fortune moft in this, that your young Aunt the noble Lady here, who you fee feard would prove a cruell Stepdame to you, appeares to be more friend to you then your Unkle. 'Tis a moft gracious Sun-fhine in her. Car. Sheefhall lofe nothing by't. I have thought a way to requite her. Wat. But fir, for Miftris Phebe, will you take no order for the poore foule .-' Car. I do not like ypur zealous folicitation, but hers an order for her, in anfwer of her Malipert Letter you brought me laft night. Give it her, and thefe five pieces, upon condition that fhee never come, write, or fend to me againe, till I fend to her. Wat. That's fomewhat hard Sir. Car. Nay look you Wat, you are a little mif- taken in me. I muft give over whoring, for fpeciall caufes thereunto me moving. Wat. O now I finde you. And 'twere richly worth your patience, if you could winne the Widow by't, for whom you flood in faire ele6lion once, mtill your laft debauchmcnt. Car. I fliall ftand fairer for her fir, when I leave working but a weeke or two, fhall I not .-' Wat. Yes, if you leave it quite, but to forfake her A mad Couple well MatcJid. 33 her whom you have brought low, to fall to others, were fuch a thing Car. Well fir, it may be I will, it may be I wo'nt, what's that to you ? carry you the Letter, and the Money, and try how that will worke with her. Wat. rie doe mybeft, but if fheefhouldexclaime, and bring on her Cofen Mr. Salewareto bee clamo- rous Car. Her Cozen's a Cuckold, exclaime and cla- morous ! give me my money againe. Wat. Nay I am gone fir. Exit. Enter Saveall. Car. The Rogue's in fa6lion with 'em ; O noble Mr. Saveall, you have moft fairely kept your minute with me, I have written my Letter, feald it and all, here to the Widow. Sav. So early .? that is well. Car. I have written no leffe then fix large Epiftles this morning, and fent'em now by my Man to be convey'd into the Country to Lords and Knights, with all the news fpirituall, and temporall, forraine and domeftick that could poffibly fall into a private Gentlemans Colle6lion. Sav. Is it poffible .-^ Car. With fuch dexterity, that if I w^ould make a Trade on't, I could undoe all the Newes-mongers in Town that live by't. Sav. It is moft commendable praftife in a Gentleman, and it will mature your judgement in the both Common-wealth and State affaires, and in fhort time invite you unto the chaire oi Helme. Car. When I am once married, and fetled, you fhall fee what an affe 'tis, he believes me. Sav. How am I comforted in my Meditation for you, and how over-joy'd will your Unklc be at the ufe you make of your retirements ! Car. I confeffe it is (by reafon of my unwonted- D neffe 34 -^ fnad Couple u'dl MatcJid. neffe to it) fome difficulty for me to write to women ; wherefore fmce you have fo nobly undertaken the conveyance of this, let me befeech you to apologize for the rudenes of my ftile. Sav. To the faille hands of the mo 1 acompliJJi d in vertne Mijlris Anne Crofl:ill,/r^;//, I pray with my Jefvice ; The out-fide hath no rudeneffe on it, and (I doubt it not) fhee fhall finde within all fweete- neffe and urbanity. Car. As you may interpret it to her fir. Sav. Sir, what I have already faid, and do intend to fay unto her from your Unkle, and my felfe on your behalfe, together with what you have here written, fhall (I doubt it not) prepare fo faire a way of proceeding for you ; That at your vifit of her you may fay, ve7ii, vidi, vici, fhe is your own. Car. And then a ha, Mr. Saveall\ Sa. Expe6l your fortune modeftly, and when it comes embrace it with difcretion. Car. Sir, I am edified. Sa. It is well if you be fo ; I will put my under- taking in a6lion prefently. Pray for my good fucceffe. Car. I dare not tell him now I cannot ; but I wifh well for the Monies fake ; and let the Vintners pray, and all the decay'd Sparks about the Towne, whom I will raife out of afhes into flame againe. Let them pray for my good wokes. O my young Lady aunts grave waiting Woman. If fhee were not hers, and out of this houfe I fhould take her for a Bawd now. But being hers, and here how much may I miftake .'' all flefli is frayle. Enter Nurfe with Candle cup. Nur. Not to difturbe your morning Meditations, my Lady has fent you Car. And you have brought me, what fweet Miftris Clofctt Nur. A mad Couple well Match' d. 35 Nur. A part of her Ladifhips own breakfafb, it is very cordiall and comfortable to the fpirits, I affure you, and delectable to the younger fort, and profit- able to the old. Car. One of Robert Greenes workes, or the mad Do6lor that preaches boyld in't I thinke. Ntir. 'Tis a compofition of mine owne Sir, of many excellent deco6lions, of moft wholefome reftorative, and coflly ingredients. Car. That it was fent by her makes it more ex- cellent, whofe bounteous care of me, I muCt ac- knowledge exceeds all coft in carving to me, and countenancing me at her Table, in gracing me in prefence of the Ladies that come to vifit her ; in giving charge for decency in all things for my Chamber, my fires fhining, my odours burning, my livery ferv'd in, my foft and coftly bed prepar'd and fpread with perfum'd linnen — here's Ambergreece in this now Nur. O is it fo, doe you finde that .'' Car. But though fliee is my own Unkles wife, I could e'ne fay 'tis pity a young man had her not. Nur. What a wag's this ? Car. Shee is a moft fweete Lady. Nur. Shee is a fweete Lady indeed, I can beft fpeake it that have knowne her from the wombe hitherto : A fweete infant fhee was borne, and a fweete babe I fwadled it, and a fweete child I nurs'd it, I traynd it up a fweete child. It was in manners a fweet child, at her Booke and Sample a fweet child. I never whipt it but once, and then it was fweete too, and fprawl'd but a little, and whimper'd but a little it was fo fweet a child ; And fo fhee grew upwards, and upwards towards woman, and a fweet youngling fhe was, and fo grew upwards and upwards towards man, and then a fweete Bride fliee was, and now a moft fweet Lady D 2 fliee 36 A mad Couple well Matcfid. fhee is, (as you fay, and I commend you for it) And fo fhee ftands at a ftay. For now fhe growes no more upwards then upon her Wedding day, not upwards as I would have her upwards, here I meane young Gentlemen, could I but fee a fweet babe of hers once by my Mafter, I could be then content to fleep with my Anceftors. Car. I had rather fee your Gibfhip hang'd up with Polcatts in a Warren, and your fweet Lady with you, though I confeffe that were fome pitty. I hope her barrenneffe, or his will preferve her from my curfe. Niir. I hope flill, and fhee hopes ftill ; and I make him of this broth for every morning ; and many other good ftrengthening things (I cannot fay for the fame purpofe) for I fhall never fee him have an heire by her. Car. Excellent ! that's beft of all. Niir. Becaufe you then are heire, fay you fo } Is that your love to your Aunt .■* Car. No I proteft Nurfe, I meant by the broth, the bottome was the beft of all. Niir. Then I cry mercy. Car. Cannot all thy art, and her cofi: finde helpe for my Unkle, think'ft thou, to get a child } Niir. Helpe ! what dee meane. He might have helpe and helpes enough, were fhe not too vertuous. Car. Still thou miftak'ft me Nurje. Niir. Away wag away, your Aunt loves you too well to thinke fo of her. Car. Nurfe as I hope to inherit any thing here- after Nur. I fhould but ferve you well to tell her your good thought of her. Car. Nurfe, by this good peece I think no harme. Nur. Nay, nay. Car. A mad Couple well MatcJid. 37 Car. Take it I fay. And tell her if thou wilt, that I love her fo well, that were fhee not mine Unkles wife, I would get her an heire my felfe rather then be his. Nur. Kinde young Mafter, now I am heartily forry that I mov'd you. Car. And for my Unkle were I his heire apparent, I rather wifh he might live till all this World were weary of him, and the next afraid to take him, Then I furvive him (Tongue, a pox punifh you for lying) Now I live well, and merily good Nurfe, ('em, "Wealth and Eftates, bring cares and troubles with Were all young heires of my contented mind, Parents and Patrons would be better prayd for. Nur. Good Gentleman. Nurfe Clofet. Lady within Clofet Nur. O my Lady calls. (her. Car. Prefent my thanks and beft refpe6ls unto Nur. I fliould ha' told you firft 1 ha' forgot. My head is naught, Car. What member haft thou good then } Nur. My Lady defires you This talke has put me out O this head ! My Lady defires you Car. Defires fhee me Nurfe f Nur. Yes fir, fhee defires you. Car. Refufe me if I defire not her as much, for all fhe is my Unkles leavings. Nur. My Lady defires you. Car. And fhee fhall have me Nurfe And fhe were ten Unkles wives, and flie ten of mine, Aunts. Nur. O this head ! nay now you will not heare me, fhee defires you to goe abroad in the Coach with her. Car. Any whither, to Iflington, Newington, Pad- ington, Kenfington, or any of the City out-leaps (I D 3 know'^m 38 A mad Couple zvell MatcJid. know'em all) for a fpirt and back againe, tell her I am up and ready for her, and could ha' been with- out her ftirrup porredge, though I thanke her for her care. A man can not be too well prepar'd, or provided for fo fweete a Lady, in fo much diftreffe. A very Andromeda, chain'd to a Rock. Takes 7ip his Cloak & Sword. Niir. What's this you fay .-' I underftand no word of it, I would take your anfwer right, though I falter'd in my Ladies meffage. Car. The Devills in this overrunning Tongue of mine, I could finde in my heart to worme him out with my teeth. Niir. What muft I tell my Lady Sir } Car. That I am more oblidg'd to her Ladifliip then I was to my Mother, fhe has brought mee a new man into the World, and that my Being and my Life is hers. Enter Lady. La. I hope hee's a true convertite, did I fend you to hold difcourfe here Clofet } Nnr. Nor did I Madam, but I could heare this Gentleman a whole day methinks. Hee fpeakes fo acknowledgingly of your Ladifhips vertue, and goodncffe towards him. La. I am beholding to him, will you goe with mee Nephew to the Exchange } I am to buy fome toycs there for the Country, you may get a fancy by't. Car. Good, I muft weare her favours. La. Or cannot you forbeare your ftudy so long .-* Car. To doe you fervice Madam, under whofe command I build my happincffe. La. Be not at the diftance of complement with mee good Nephew. Car. I would not be thought infolent deare Madam. La. A mad Couple well Matdid. 39 La. Come the Coachman grumbles at my ftay, and 'twill be Dinner-time prefently, fo the Cooke will be angry too. Car. You are all tenderneffe to your fervants Madam. Exit. Niir. A fweete Gentleman, and bountifull, if my Lady had been bleft with fuch a Husband what a place had I had ! Exeunt Omnes. ACT III. SCENE I. Enter Crojiill, reading a Letter, Saveall. DOe you know the contents Mr, Saveall of the familiar Epiftle you have brought me here. Sav. No Lady, but I gueffe it a faire exprefTion of the Writers affe6lion to you, although hee defired mee to crave your pardon for the rudeneffe of his ftile, it being the firfl that hee hath compofed of that confequence. Crof. Ha, ha, ha, I'le truft you fir, with the full knowledge of it, pray read it your felfe. Sav. I finde fhee is pleafed, and my indeavour profperous, for the young Gentleman, I am forry that I delaid a day in the delivering of it. Crof. Pray read it out fir, for I finde it fo plea- fant that I could heare it a whole day together. Reades. Sav. Ln the firjl place you JJiall give mee leave to zvonder at your impudence {though it be but in your dreanics) to have a thought that L ever intended, or can be drazune by perfwafion, force, or the power of witchcraft to marry you * VOL. I. D 4 Bleffe 40 A mad Couple well MatcUd. Bleffe mee ! fure if hee writ this, the Devill di6lated to him. Crof. On fir, that's but his firft charge. Sav. Secondly, I am to tell you, that I am warme in mine Unkles favojir. And 'tis not a peece a time, or five peeces for a peece of pleafure can undoe me ; a7id fo I can have chajtge, and fcape the captivity of Wedlock. This could no otherwife be done but by the Devill that ought him the fhame. Crof. What follows I pray, there's the firft and fecond point paft } marke his method. Sav. Thirdly, and laflly, let mee advife you, fince you are fo hot npon Marriage, though I affure my felfe you love nojic but mee, {and I thankeyoufort) that you frame or diffemble an affcflion to fome one of the City, who is but com- parative to your felfe in blood and fortune, and fo you may make by-ufe of me as your friend, and have children like me, George Careless e. Crof Have you ever heard fo queint a Love Letter } Sav. Lady, the injury done in it, to your felfe is unanfvverable, but my wrong in being his Meffenger, I will make him anfwer. Crof. Excufe me Sir, he has done me a favour : I pray informe him fo with my great thankes. Bui for what you conceive a wrong to your felfe, ufe your difcretion, you have no more to fay to me for him at this prefent, have you fir } Sav. Not for him but againft him, I will un-fay all that I fayd before intended for his good. Crof But i'le not heare you wrong your former love, and judgement of him fo, which made fo deepe impreffion here, that I had lock'd his love up as A mad Couple well Matclid. 41 as a Jewell in my Breaft, and you in ftriving now to wreft it thence may breake the Cabinet ; I rather wifh you'l be a friendly meanes to draw his pre- fence hither" that I my felfe may mildly queflion him. Sav. Are you ferious Lady ? Crof. I feare I fliall not refl before I fee him, but doe not tell him that, left in this fullen humour, hee force his abfence to affli6l mee more ; I'le hold you fir no longer, deale for me as you can, I know you have a gueffe at my defire. Sav. rie doe you fervice in it. Exit Crojlill. I gueffe that her defire is to doe fome a6t of Re- venge upon him. And (fo it be not mortall) it were but Juflice in her for fo groffe a fcorne by him caft upon a well reputed Gentleman. Yet is it obferv'd in her that fhee has a violent humour to do, and not to doe things oftentimes wilfully againfl all good councell or perfwafion, fhee has the fpirit of contra- diftion in her, and an unalterable refolution upon fodaine intentions, a mofb incorrigible will fhee has that will not bow nor breake. This croffe abufive Letter therefore may doe good upon her, however mifchievous hee might intend it. If fhee meant well to him before, it may the fafter bring her on, but it amazes me that hee fhould write fo, bearing- his Unkle, and my felfe in hand, that hee fo fai.rely lov'd her, and befought us to negotiate with her for him, fhould fliee forgive it, yet the wrong to us in his vile manners is unpardonable, and fo fir, I come to you. Enter Carelejfe. Car. O Mr. Sav call Sav. What mifchiefe or defpight have I e're done you, That could provoke your defperate fpleene againft mee, To 42 A mad Couple well Match' d. To wound mine honour ? Car. What doe you meane good fir ? Sav. You have employed mee bafely, made mee your Carrier of fcandall, and fcurriHty to the hands Of nobleneffe and vertue. Could the Fiend Luft that is in you fuffer you to write No other Senfe or Language to a perfon Of her faire Name, and Worth, then fuch as Ruffians Would fend to ftrumpets ? or it being fuch. Enter Wat. Could not a Porter, or your Pandare there Serve for the lewd conveyance ? What a welcom's that ! Sav. You might fafer Ha' fent it fo, and your own right hand with it ; Then to have drawn my juft revenge upon you. Draws. Car. Hold I befeech you, and fir, though I lofe the Widow by my error (which was indeed but a meere accident) let mee not be fo miferable made as to lofe you, before you heare a fliort Exami- nation Deliver'd you the Letter which I fent Yeflerday to the Damfell that you wot of ? Wat. Yes fir, fliee read it, kill it a hundred times, Then made a bofome Idoll on't, And fayes you are the noblcft Gentleman Under a Saint that e're tookc care for fmner. Car. Hell take her for a miftaking whore, Shee has the widows Letter, and the widow hers, I found it fir, when you judicioufly Said it was Ruffian-like, and Strumpet-language. Wat. How could you erre fo ftrangely ? Car. O nightly, (lightly, curfeo' myhecdlefs braine! And then too be trapp'd with carelefneffe, When I was fo religioufly rcfolv'd, T'incline A mad Couple well Match! d. 43 T'incline to vertue, and a Marriage life, Thinking with one hand to caft off my folh'es, And to take hold of vertue with the other, For fir, (I will confeffe my felfe to you) The Letter you conveyed was in defiance, A loofe liv'd wanton, intended to a whore, That impudently hopes an intereft in me. Sav. It was not fo dire6led. Car. I there was (The Hell confound it on't) my giddines : I feald both Letters e're I fuperfcrib'd 'em, And fo gave each the contrary direftion. Sav. 'Twas a groffe carelefneffe, and if you lofe A fortune by't, do not blame your friends. Car. That fortune fhould favour a whore before An honeft woman. 'Twas the fweeteft Letter, The daintieft winning things (the Devills in't) Shee muft not carry't from the widow fo. Fetch mee the Letter againe. Wat. Do you thinke fliee'l part with't fir } Car. Cannot you beat it out of her fir .■' Wat. I cannot tell how to do that. Car. Thus fir i'le give you demonflration, you malicious Rogue, you that confpirft with her to betray me, fo good a Mafter I have beene to thee, and fo good a friend to her, i'le recompence you both. Wat. You have undone us both, and will difcard us now you are warme in your Unkles bofome ag"en but 't>' Car. But what you Traitor you } Wat. You put me in good minde, and if I do not fomewhat. Car. I owe you fomewhat for your laft-nights abfence, too pernicious V^illainc that kepft thy felfe out o' the way o' purpofe that I fhould bee drunke, and 44 ^ '>nad Couple well Mate/id. and abufe my felf, and the houfe here all lay o' your abfence, There's fomewhat more for that. {Beats /mn.) Wat. 'Tis all upon account fir. Car. Who knowes an honeft Servingman that wants a good Mafter. Exit. Sa. Was it your mans fault Mr. Carelcjfe ? if I be not reveng'd &c. Car. No faith, To fpeak truth he was as much abus'd in it, as you in doing a thing as contrary to his vile conditions, as you did to your noble Name. But I crave onely your pardon, I know not what I doe befides. This croffe blow of chance ftaggers my rcafon fo Sa. Well fir, fince I have found the errour, my reafon reconciles me to you, and fince it grew out of your equall intent to caft off the evill, as to embrace the good, I will re-mediate for you to the widow. Car. But yet fhee'I know I have had a whore. Yet then you may fay, 'tis fuch a running Difeafe among young Gentlemen, that not one of a hundred has fcap'd it, that have prov'd ftay'd men after- wards, and very fober husbands ; As looke you yonders one may prove, whom now I have in good footh a great defire to beate. Enter Lady, and Bellamy talking. Sa. In your Aunts prcfence, and your Unkles houfe ; Though I were not his friend ; could you be fo outragious } I mufc I fee him here though. Car. Cry you mercy fir, are you his friend .'' Sa. I make my felfe fo, hee being dependent to my noblcfl Lord, whom I am bound to honour. Car. What Lord I pray, that I may honour him too. Sa. The Lord Lovely. Car. That loves women above wine, wine above wealth, A mad Couple well MatcJid. 45 wealth, wealth above friend, and friends above himfelfe. There's no fcandall in all that fir. Sa. It goes fo of him indeed, but he loves honor above all thofe. La. Mr. Saveall ^ word. Sa. Your fervant Madam. Car. In the name of flefh, for what dos his Lordfhip employ that Angle-worme to my Aunt .' Hee has had her this houre in private conference, clofe chamberd up together, not fo much as Matron Nurfe in the roome with 'em. 'Tis a fine fleeke thing, and almoft pitty to hunt it, but fure I muft beat it, as place and time convenient may ferve. La. Pray Mr. Saveall move you my Husband for it, I would not medle in his money matters willingly. Sa. Five hundred pound for my Lord upon the mentioned fecurity, I will break it to fir Oliver. Car. Is that the bufineffe after fo much privacy } very prety, my Aunts a woman too, and my Unkle may have as forked a fortune, as any of the City, that lend out money to hedge in Lordfhips. La. I am his Lordfhips fervant. Bel. And I your Lordfiiips good Madam, And yours Mr. Saveall. Sa. I am for your way Mr. Bellamy. Car. And I fir, and't pleafe you. Exit Sav. Bel. La. George Carelejjfe, I would fpeak with you. Car. May I not wait upon your Gentleman to the Gate Madam ? La. No good George, though I commend your curtefie, yet would I not you fhould negle6l your owne dignity. Car. Umh — I am under Government. La. The young man, if you have modefty will thinke you mock him, if not you'l make him become arrogant, know you not whofe man he is ? {c) Car, 46 A mad Couple well MatcJid. Car. No tis apparent, this over-flighting of him proclaimes fliee loves him, whofe follower Madam, and I know Lords followers. Knights fellows. La. Not all Lords followers to all Knights George. Car. To as many as their faire Ladies will give way to, that are not faint-hearted. La. I underftand you not George ; fomething troubles you, you are not right to day. Car. I am only as I am in your favour Madam. La. Come I know what perplexes you, and 'tis therefore that I defire to talke with you ; I am not angry with you, but let meetell you G"^t?r^^, although not openly I took notice of the pickle you came home in laft night, after your Unkle was in Bed ; to whom, mervayling at your abfence I excus'd you, as gone at my requefl to vifit fome Ladies with whom you ftaid Supper, I told him, when you were with your Roucers. Car. But did you never go .'' La. Indeed I did, and he was fatisfied. Car. O my fweet Lady Aunt ! I was indeed amongfl'em, and deeply merry. La. And drunke as deeply ! Car. I will abufe your goodneffc fo no more. La. Say and hold George, for your own good. Car. What's now become of mee, I am under corre6lion. La. I would you could have feenc your fclfc, and how your difguife became you, as I was told, I do but friendly tell you of fome paffages, as they were to mee related, by thofe whom I have charm'd to fpeake no more on't. Wo. fccure therefore in your Unkle. Car. O my deare heavenly Aunt ! La. Firft, at the doore you bounc'd like a Giant at the Gate of an inchantcd Caftle, before which could A mad Couple well MatcUd. 47 could be opened offence was taken by you at your Sedan-men ; for asking money (as appeard after- wards) more then you brought from the Taverne, and leaving their office fouler by a diflemper'd ftomach-full, then you found it. In the ftrife for thefe fad caufes your Sword being feiz'd on, you being unable to ufe it, were found by my fervants at Luggs with your brace of Corps bearers, in the dirt, and their poore hovill Chaire turnd on his ridge in the Kennell. Car. rie never be drunk agen. La. I hope you will fay fo, when you have heard all George ; but by the way your late ftock being fpent, here are ten peeces towards a fupply. Car. O fweet golden Aunt ! La. Well fir, the ftriefe appeas'd, you were tane in. Then hay is there no Sack i' the houfe t 'Tis for you in your Chamber is replid, up you are had, where is the Rogue my man } not feene fmce Yef- terday ; Fetch me a wench. Bleffe us cries old Sim the Butler, wee have none i'th houfe, nor can- not fend for any out o' dores. Doft— tell me that.!* is not my Ladies Woman, my Ladies Chamber- maide, the Laundr}^-maide, the wench under the Cooke, my Ladies Nurfe old Winter-plum, nor my Lady her felfe, within ? I know, or will know all the fhee things in the houfe. But why me up in your bedroll George} Car. Pfeigh. (Beats his head) La. You remember none o' this ! Car. It is not worth it Madam. La. Nor how you fcar'd Chamber-maid, whom I fent in love to fee care taken for you, not dreamino- of any ill thought in you, doe you remember how you told her, and what you would give her, when your Unkle died for a fmall prefent curtefie } fhe was faine to fatisfie you with a falfe promife to fteale to 48 A mad Couple well Matched. to bed to you before foure men could force, or humour you into it. Car. What an unhallowed Rafcall was I ! La. 'Tis well you confider it now. And ftill confider George. How ill exceffe of Wine, Roaring and Whoring becomes a Gentleman, and how well fobrietie, cur- tefie, and noble a6lion, and dangers wait upon the one fort, and what fafety accompanies the other ! Car. Wine, Roaring and Whoring, I will lay that faying of yours Madam to my heart ; but Wine is the great wheele that fets the reft a whirling. La. True George, for had you not firft beene fullied with Wine, you would not have abus'd your felfe to ha tumbled in the dirt with your Litter- mules, nor offer'd to feduce my Chamber-maide. Suppofe you had overcome her, how could you have come off but with fliame to your felfe, and the utter ruine of the poore Wench } Car. Still fliee corrects me for my medling with bafe matters and people, fhee is not angry fhee fayes, though I call'd for her laft night i' my drinke, fhee gives me mony, I will now underftand her, and whereunto all her former favours and her later admonitions are direfted, and prefently appeare a gratefull Nephew. La. Nay, bee not fad upon it George, as I would win you from your faults, I would have you ftill be cheerful!. If any thought troubles you, you may be free with me George. Car. O Madam you have made me, and now take me to you. La. How meane you ? Car. Freely and wholly, the trucft, faithfu'lft fervant, and I thinke the ableft that any Lady of your lacks and longings ever beftowd a favour on, though A mad Couple well Matclid. 49 though I fay't my felf. You'l fwear't when you have tri'd me, and't be but hourely for a month together. La. Is the man found troe ? Car. I defy Surgeon, or the Potecary can come againfl mee. La. Sound i' your fenfes fir, I meane. Car. O for blabbing Madam never feare mee, now I am refolv'd to Hve foberly, and be onely yours. And with fuch pleafure, with fuch fafety, fecrefie, and fulncffe, I will fo conftantly fupply you, that you fliall not have time to dreame of the de- fects of your old man. La. Doe you meane your Unkle, and not know whofe wrong you unnaturally and fmfully purfue .'' Car. No man living Madam can doe it for him, more naturally and leffe finfuUy ; I am of the fame flefh and blood, and bring his youth to your plea- fure, how can you thinke old tinkles children are got } or how came up the proverbe, SJicc is one of mine Aunts, doe you thinke .'' You would have a child by him. All your Cawdells and Cock-broaths will never doe it. An old mans generative fpirit runs all into braine, and that runs after covetouf- neffe too, get wealth, not children. Believe it, much Nephews helpe belongs to it, and then the children are not degenerate, I cannot thinke but many Unkles know it, and give way to it, becaufe ftranger bloods fhall not inherit their Lands, and fo fweet Aunt if I live not to inherit his, my fon may, in your firfb born. There will be a Iweete comfort to you. La. But is all this in earneft } Car. In earneft } yes. And I pray fo take it, and let it be a bargaine, and now prefently in the Chamber, I will make you my firft payment for the purchace. E La. 50 A mad Couple well Match' d. La. Fie, fie, you doe but fay fo ? Car. That fliall be tri'd prefently. Come fvveet Madam, I finde you are willing, and I fweare I am refolute, and will be as fecret as your own woman, if you will not goe I protefb i'le carry you. La. Nay preythee George fet me down a little. Car. Pfewgh 1 need none o' thefewhefmgs I. La. But prathee tell mee, doft thou not all this onely to trie me, or am I a Rogue thinke you, or wouldft thou ferioufly that thine own naturall Unkle, thy bountifull Patron, nay thy father on the matter, fhould fufifer fuch a wrong, and done by us ? Car. Harke there againe, Madam have I not proved fufficiently and plainely, that I fhall in doing the feate for him doe him the greateft right in the world, in getting him, and you an indubitable heire, and to give him both the comfort, and the glory of it ? La. Was ever fuch a Reprobate ? Car. And you can doe him no wrong (though you had not a Ladies priviledge) to Cuckold him, for affure your felfe hee Cuckqueanes you, now come Madam. La. You fpeake not on your knowledge. Car. I never was his Pimpe, but what I have heard I have heard. Now come Madam. La. I heard Mr. Saveall proteft within thefe three days that he thought my Husband the chafteft man (of a Gentleman) that he knows. Car. O did hee fo. Madam, believe it they two have whor'd together, and that Saveall has pimpt for him oftener then you ever lay with my Unkle. La. What ! fmce he married me .-* Car. What elfe "> Saveall, is not oncly his grave Parafite, but his Pimpe, and has fpent my Unkle more in thefe civill pun6luall wayes, then I in all my A mad Couple well MatcJid. 5 ^ my whole debauches, what did you thinke hee kept him for? O they are a brace of subtle dry Tweakes, come now Madam. La. What an inhumane Villain's this ! Car. rie tell you all now upon our inward ac- quaintance. La. You have told too much already to have any acquaintance with me at all, nor fhall you unlelTe you prefently recant all that you have, or would have faid upon this fubjeft. Car. Madam La. Stand further and replie not, leffe I call in thofe that (hall fadly filence you. Have you abus'd your Unkle, and the next beft friend you have i' the World, in hope thereby to abufe mee moft, that was no enemy of yours till now you juftly have provok'd me } Car. I tooke not a right courfe. La. Was this the beft conftru6lion you could make of my love to you, or a fit requitall, to make me an inceftuous Whore } Car. Yes, yes, a pox my courfe was right enough, but I undertooke her at an ill feafon. Her fpruce fpringall left her but now, i'le tell her fo Madam. La. Come I perceive you are forry ; and that's a part of fatisfaclion. Therefore for once i'le winke at your tranfgreffion, efpecially before others. Here's one you fee. Enter Clofct. Car. I doe, the Devill blind her. Nur. Madam La. But tempt me fo againe, and i'le undoe you. Car. I know how you'l undoe mee witty Madam, Ah A fide. La. Nay be not fad George, difcover not your felfe, and you are fafe, for once I tell you. Car. Shee'l come about I fee. E 2 La. 52 A mad Couple well MatcJid. La. But will you Cozen goe, and doe that for me ? Car. Moft readily good Madam, I have your full dire6lions. La. All Cofen, if you forget not. Car. I cannot be fo negligent in your fervice Madam, I finde by this fain'd errand fliee dares not truft her trollop there, I love her wit now too. Exit. La. He is both fchoold, and coold I hope. Now Clofct what's your News .'' Clo. Of a Citizen Madam that intreats to fpeake with your Ladifhip. La. Doe you not know his Name, or Trade } Clo. Yes, I had both eene now, but I have fuch a Head. La. If you have loft 'em by the way pray go back and feeke 'em, or bring you his bufmeffe. Clo. I ask'd his bufmeffe Madam, and told him hee might truft mee with it without a hand to his booke, but he faid it could not be delivered, but by his owne word o' mouth to your Ladifhip. La. What ftrange matter is it troe.-' or what Citi- zen, is not his Name Salcware ? Clo. Yes Madam, and he is a (O this head) La. A Silkcman is he not .-' (a Clo. Yes Madam the fame. La. I hope his impudent Wife has not told him all, if fhee has, where's his remedy in this Womans Law-cafe .-' Clo. There's aGentlewomanwithhim tooMadam. La. Then we fhall have it. 'Tis his Wife fure, well I am prepar'd for the incounter. Bid 'em come up, if they grow violent or too bold with mee, i'le fct my Nephew George upon 'em. 'Tis not his Wife, what Creature is it troc with me, Mr. Sale- ware ? Enter A mad Couple well Match! d. 5.3 Enter Saleware, PJiebe. Sal. Craving your pardon Madam, a few words in the behalfe of this poore Kinfewoman of mine, touching a Gentleman, who I heare lives in your Houfe, Mr. George Careleffe, Madam, by whom fhee has received much injury. La. How fir I pray ? Sal. Pray Madam read this Letter, weepe not, but hold up thy head Cuz, wee will not be dafht, not bafht in a good caufe ; pray read you Madam. La. / a^n now {Lady) in favour- with my Unkle, and in faire poffibility of a good Eflate, deporting my felfe (/ ijttend to doe) a civill Gejitleman. To which end (indndd as well by reafojt, as by long cojitinned ajfeftions) I tender my felfe to yoii in the holy cojidition of Marriage. If yon voucJifafe your confent, {which is my mofl earnefi reqnefl) I fliall not onely declare my felfe a good Husband, but the mofl happy, Geo. Careless e. La. Wherein appeares the injury to your Kinf- woman .-' Sal. In flying from his Word, and Deed Madam. He has borne her in hand thefe two yeares, and ufe her at his pleafure, detaining her from her choyce of many good fortunes, and at laft fends her this to make amends for all, and denies his a6l the next day, fending his man to take the Letter from her, pretending 'twas dire6led to another. But never the fooner for a hafty word Cofen, we will not be daflit nor baflit, I warrant thee. La. Here's the direftion. To the Lilly White Hands of Miflris Mariana Gymcrack, is that your Name Lady } Phe. I am the forrowfull one that is knowne by it Madam. E 3 Sal 54 -^ mad Couple well Maiclid. Sal. Never the fooner for a hafty word Cofen. La. I conceive the bufineffe, and find the error, and my great doubt is over. Sal. Weepe not I fay. La. What would you have me doe Mr. Saleware'i Sal. You have difcretion Madam, and I made choice of your Ladifhip to open this matter unto you, rather then to Sir Oliver himfelfe, whom I would not willingly exafperate againft his Nephew, you may be pleafed in a milder way to temper him, and worke a fatisfaftion for my Kinfewoman ; Sir Oliver and your felfe Madam, are noble Cuf- tomers to my Shop, and for your fakes I would not deale rigoroufly with your Kinfeman, if a gentle end may be made. But, if you cannot so com- pound it, the Law lies open, money and friends are to be found, a good caufe fhall not be fherv'd,' I will not be dafht nor bafht, Sapientia mea mihi is my word, and fo good Madam you know my mind. La. 'Tis pity a Gentlewoman fhould fuffer too much, and I like her fo well at firft fight, that I am eafily mov'd to doe good for her, is fhee your Kinfewoman in blood Mr. Salcware, or your wifes .-* Sal. Mine I affure your Ladifhip, though my wife can boaft as great and noble friends 1 thank fortune, as the wife of any Tradefman that carries a head in the City, (but that's by the by) yet I came of a better houfe, and am a Gentleman borne, none difprais'd. La. Well Mr. Saleware,\e7ive. your Kinfewoman with me a little while, you fliall not be feene in my aft, i'le try what I can doe for her. Sal With all my heart good Madam, and dee heare Mariana, This is a noble Lady, beare your felfe difcreetly in the bufineffe, and towards her : you may get a Husband by't, or at leaft a compo- fition that may purchace one to fliolder you up. But A mad Couple well Matclid. 5 5 But carry it high and worthy of the houfe I brag of, or Sapiciitia niea milii, Jlultitia tiia tibi, That's my fentence. Phe. Well fir, you neede not doubt my high Carriage. La. Clofet. Enter Clofet. Madam. La. Take this Gentlewoman to your Chamber, and I charge you let none fee her, or take notice of her, but your felfe and me, till I give order. Exit Clofet. I fhall doe fomething for her doubt not Mafler Saleware. Exit Lady. Sal. I fliall be bound to your Ladifhip, now to my Shop, to which I thanke my Wife fhee has beene a Wild-cat thefe two dayes, which muft be borne with as wee are friends. And from my Houfe all Night, and yet no Greene-goofe-faire- time ; Nor though fhee were fo abfent miifl I be fo unfriendly as to queftion her, where, or with whom fliee was ; a new Article this twixt Man and Wife ! But Sapicntia inea mihi, ftultitia fua fibi. Thus it muft be where Man and Wife are friends and will continue fo in fpight of chance, or high heeld fliooes, that will awry fometimes with any Women. Shee is not yet come home The Shop. heere. What Ladies that, and not my difcoverd Wife there to handle her handfomely Alicia, & for her Money } My fervants are fuch Bellamy. Affinegoes ! ftay, are mine eyes perfe6l } 'Tis fhee, 'tis my Friendwife, and in the Courtly habit, which fo long flice has long'd for. And my Lord Lovelies Gammed with her. His Lordfliip lay not at home to Night, neither at his Lodging, I heard that by the way. I cannot thinke my Lord and fhee both fate up all Night to fee the Ta}-lors 5 VOL. I. E 4 at 56 A mad Cojiple zvell MatcJid. at worke, and to haften the finifliing of thofe Cloaths, if fliee were with him which I would not be fo unfriendly to inquire for the worth of a Wife. 'Twas right honorably done of him to fend her home as gallantly attended as attir'd, if shee die — a — a — lie with him all Night, which I will not be fuch a beaft to believe although I knew it. I muft come on her with a little wit though, for which I will precogitatc. Al. Once more your ftory, for I am not fatisfied with thrice being told it. Bel. Can a Woman take fo much delight in heaving of another Womans pleafure taken 't Al. As it was given by you I can, for I am pre- pared by it to take pleafure from you, and fhall with greedineffe expe6l it till I have it. Bel. Then know I pleas'd her fo, that fliee pro- tcfted, (and I believe her) her Husband never pleas'd her fo. Al. Or any other man you fhould ha' put her to that, her Husband's but a Bungler. Bel. How know you that .-' Al. \ doe but gueffe. Bel. Nay fliee fwore deeply, and I believ'd her there too, no man bcfides her husband but my felfe had e're injoy'd her, but let me tell you Lady, as fliee was amply jilcas'd flic may thanke you. Al. For fending you, I know fhe did and will. Bel. That was the firft refpeft, but not the greateft : For in our A61 of love, our firlt and fecond A61 A I. Indeed ! Bel. In reall deed, I can fpcak now like an em- bolden'd lover. Al. Well, but what in your A6ls of Love .'' Bel. I had you ftill in my imagination, and that enabled mee to be more gratefull to her Ladyfhip, which A mad Couple well MatcJid. 57 which wrought her thankfulneffe to you, expreft in a hundred pieces, fent by me, more then I tould before, which are your own fhee fayes, fmce tother morning Ihee was here with you. Al. That token confirmes all. Had I the fpirit of Witchcraft, when puting upon chance for my Revenge, to find Reward ! Have you the money .-' Bel. Safe at my Chamber for you. Al O you are cunning, leffe I fhould breake with you you thought to oblige me by't. Bel. rie rather run and fetch you twice the fumme, I conceal'd it onely to give it you unex- pe6ledly. Al. Sweete Bellamy I am yours, I could be forry now I have loft fo much of thee. This Kiffe, and Name your time Sal. Would they had done whifpering once, that I might enter fafe in my manners. Bel. To morrow night. Al. Shall you be ready fo foone thinke you after your plentifuU Lady-feaft. Bel. O with all fulneffe both of Delight and Appetite. Al. And with all faith and fecrefie I am undone elfe, you know my vowes unto my Lord. Bel. And can you thinke I dare be found your meane, to break'em, Al. No more my husband comes. Pray Sir returne my thanks unto my Lord for his right noble bounty, and not mine alone, for fo my hus- band in much duty bound alfo prefents his thanks unto his Lordfhip. Sal. Yes, I befeech you fir. Bel. I am your willing Meffenger. Sal. Hee is my moft honored Lord, and has fo many wayes obliged mc both by my wife, and in mine owne particular that Bel. 58 A mad Couple well Matclid. Bel. I take my leave. Exit. Sal. Still this is an Afiinego. I can never get him to ftand a Conference, or a Complement with mee. But Sapicntia viea niihi, what was that friend you made mee fend thanks for to his Lordfhip, what new favour has hee done us, befides his coun- cell Thefe Clothes, the coft was mine you told mee, out of the odd hundred pound you tooke, what late Honour has hee done us ? A I. I ft not enough I know Friend ? will you ever tranfgreffe in your impertinent inquifitions ? Sal. I cry you mercy friend, I am correfted juftly. A I. Will you never be governd by my judgment, and receive that onely fit for you to underftand, which I deliver to you undemanded ? Doe not I know the weight of your floore thinke you ? Or doe it you on purpofe to infringe friendfhip, or breake the peace you live in ? Sal. Never the fooner for a hafty word, I hope Friend. Al. Did you not Covencnt with mee that I fhould weare what I pleafed, and what my Lord lik'd, that I Hiould be as Lady-like as I would, or as my Lord defir'd; that I (hould come, and go at mine own pleafure, or as my Lord requir'd ; and that we fliould be alwaycs friends and call fo, not after the fiUie manner of Citizen and Wife, but in the high courtly way .'' Sal All this, and what you pleafc fweete Courtly- friend I grant as I love Court-fliip, it becomes thee bravely. AL O dos it fo } Sal. And I am highly honor'd ; And fhall grow fat by the envy of my repining Neighbours, that cannot maintaine their Wives fo like Court-Ladies, fonic perhaps (not knowing wee are friends) will fay fliee's A mad Couple well MatcJid. 59 fhee's but Tom Salewares Wife, and fhee comes by this Gallantry the Lord knowes how, or fo. But Sapicntia vica inihi, let the Affinegos prate while others fliall admire thee, fitting in thy Ihop more glorious, then the Maiden-head in the Mercers armes, and fay there is the Nonparrell, the Paragon of the Citie, the Flower-de-luce of Cheapfide, the Shop Court-ladie, or the Courtihop Miftris, ha' my fweet Courtlie friend ? A I. How do you talke ? As if you meant to in- ftru6l'em to abufe me. Sal. Sapicntia inca mi hi. A I To prevent that I will remove out of their walke, and keepe fhop no more. Sal. Never the leffe for a hafty word I hope Friend. A I. Fie, 'tis uncourtly, and now i'le tell you Friend, unaskd, what I have done for you befides in my late abfence, and all under one. Sal Under one ! yes, I could tell her under whom if I durft. A I. What's that you fay Friend .'' mee thinkes you mutter. Sal. No Friend, I was gueffing what that other thing might bee that you have done for mee, all under one. You have taken the Houfe i'le warrant, that my Lord lik'd fo. Al. By my Lords favour and dire6lion I have taken it, And I will furnifh it fo Courtly you'l admire. Sal. Mufl I then give up Shop, or lie fo far re- mote .'' Al. No you muft keepe your Shop Friend, and lie here if you pleafe. Sal. And not with you but there } A I No not with me at all Friend, that were moft uncourtly, Sal. 6o A mad Couple well Matclid. Sal. But I fhall have a Chamber in your houfe, and next to yours. Then in my Gowne and Slippers Friend at Midnight or the firft Cock. Al. Softly for ftumbUng Friend, i'le doe you any honourable offices with my Lord, as by obtaining futes for you, for which you rnufi: looke out, and finde what you may fitly beg out of his power, and by courtly favour. But keepe your Shop ftill Friend, and my Lord will bring and fend you fuch cuftome, that your Neighbours fhall envy your wealth, and not your Wife ; you fliall have fuch commings in abroad and at home, that you fhall be the first head nominated i' the next Sheriffe feafon, but I with my Lord will keepe you from pricking. Bee you a Cittizen ftill Friend, 'tis enough I am Courtly. Sal. Here's a new Courtlie humour, I fee no remedy, unleffe I run my felfe out of credit, defie the life of a Citizen, and turn Courtly too. Al. What's that you fay.-' doe you not mutter now Friend ^ Sal. No, not a fillable Friend, but may not I give up Shop and turne Courtly too Friend. -• A I As you refpe6l my Lord, and your own profit, you mufl be a Cittizen ftill, and I am no more a Cittizens Wife elfe, and fliee mufl be a Cittizens Wife, that wuft doe all in all with my Lord Friends. Though my Lord loves the Clothes of the Court, hee loves the diet of the City beft Friend, what ever I weare outwardly hee muft finde me Cittizens Wife, which Friend, O hee's a fweete Lord. Sal. Well it fliall be then as the fweete Lord A\'ill have it, Sapientia niea viiJii. Exeunt omnes. ACT. A mad Couple ivcll MatcJid. 6i ACT. IV. SCENE. I. Enter Lord Lovely, Crojiill, Bellamy. Lo. T Ady, 'tis true hee is a bafhfull Lover, J__/Unskiird to court a Widow, has not yet. The Aft methodicall to fweare he loves you, Muft and will have you, nor the moving boldneffe To ftirre your blood by putting of you to't, Or fhewing you how tis, before the Prieft Declares it iawfuU. But he has love and fweetneffe, Which you will find with full and rich content ; And look (look here) what a long, middle finger he has, Which with thin Jawes, and Roman Nofe, Are never fayling fignes of Widowes joyes. Crof. Your Lordfhip is difpos'd to mirth ; Lo. It is My care to put you in a courfe of mirth. Nay of felicity. Crof. In marrying of that flripling ! Lo. Do not thinke flightly of him, tho'he appeares Modeft and baOifully, if I have any judgement, Hee's a fit match for you. His outward fortune For his eftate, I will make good to him. And for his inward vertue never doubt Hee'l make that good to you : However flill He holds his much commended Modefly. Crof. My Lord you much commend his modeftie, And bafhfulneffe, urging your confidence Of his ftrange inward hid abilities (I hope your Lordfhips pardon) can you tell. If 62 A mad Couple ivell MatcJid. If hee has with that bafhfull modefty Got any of his Mothers Maides with child ? Or of his Fathers Tenants Wifes, or Daughters? I would have fome affurance. Lo. Then i'le tell you. Thefe Widowes love to heare of manly a6ls, And choofe their husbands by their backs, and faces. CroJ. My Lord you faid youl'd tell me, Lo. Yes, but I would not have ycu cunningly To fift difcoveries from me to his wrong. Crof. I am loth to fpeake fo plainely to you my Lord, But by the worft that you can fpeake of him I may the better like him. Lo. That's her humor ; Then hearke you Widow, to avoid his blufhes, Suppofe I tell hee has got a baftard. Crof. You may as well fuppofe i'le fay 'twas well. Lo. What fay you to two or three ! Crof. The more the merrier. Lo. He has no leffe then five old Gentlemens Young Wives with child this Moone, but got all in One weeke. Crof. Indeed ! Lo. Yes, in good deed, and lufty. Crof. Good deed call you it, to get other Mens Children } Lo. Suppofe they have the husbands confents. Crof I fuppofe they are wittalls then. Lo. No, they are wifealls, and 'tis a thing in much requeft among landed men, when old and wanting iffue of their owne, to keepe out riotous Kindred from inheritance, who elfe would turne the Land out of the Name. Crof. An excellent policie ! Lo. You know the Lady TJirivewell. Crof. A mad Cdiiple well MatcJid. (^i Crof. And her old husband, and his riotous Kinfeman too. Lo. You will heare more hereafter, but now to him agen, for whom I am fpokefman. CroJ. In a ftrange way me thinks. Lo. Hee is fent for farre and neere on thofe occa- fions, hee is of fo fweete a Compofure, and fuch fure taking mettall, that hee employes my care to have him well beftowd before he begins to waft. Crof. Ifl poffible hee has done fo much, and fayes fo little } Lo. The deepeft waters are moffc filent, But he can fpeake, and well to Bellamy. Bel My Lord. Lo. I have made your love knowne to this Lady. Bel. My love my Lord .-* Lo. And have begun your fuit ; follow't your felfe. Bel. My fuit my Lord to her .-' I never mov'd your Lordfliip to't, Tho' I prefume fhe may be a happy fortune to one of my condition ; a poore and younger brother ; onely made rich and happy in your Lordfliips fervice, and over-flowing favours. Lo. Which i'le take off o' you if you flight my care in feeking your preferment to this Lady, of beauty equall with her faire eftate, in both which fhee is great, and her atchievement will be the Crowne, and the continuance of all my favours to you, you are loft if you purfue it not, I would thy old Unkle Bellamy faw thy Bafhfulneffe. Crof. Your Lordfhip feemes now to wooe for me, not him, however I am bound in thanks to your nobleneffe, in your faire proportion, I hope, I fhall not be fo poore to require an advocate, when I fliall yeild to have a husband. But your mirth becomes your honor, and the young gentlemans refervednes him, Ha, ha, ha. Lo. How meane you Miftris Croflill. Crof 64 A mad Couple well MatcJid. Crof. I doe commend your mirth my Lord, for the lufty ftraine you fpoke him in, that he had yet five children in one weeke, wherein I may prefume you thought you had mov'd to my liking, ha, ha, ha Lo. I am glad I have made you merry, But you will wifh if you reje6l him Crof. If I reje6l one that tenders not himfelfe ! yet I commend his caution. Lo. As how I pray ? Crof. As thinking I am one of your caft peeces (Knowing how well your Lordfhip loves the game) And now would put mee on him. But you mifprife mee fmfully fweet Youth In fuch a thought, how e're you fhould not fcorne To ride in your Lords caft boots, though you be Gentleman of's houfe. Lo. Come now he fliall have none of you. Crof. rie hearehim fay he will not firft, by your Lordfhips leave. Lo. Spirit of contradi6lion ! Crof. Stay fir, would you be content to have me .'' Bel. You heard my Lord fay I fhould not. Crof. But fay he fay agen you fliall, fpeake, will you have mee .'* Lo. Say no (I finde her now) that is the way to win her. Crof. Without inftruftions good my Lord. Bel. Lady I finde fo much your fcorn already. That to be wedded to't, I fliould difpaire (My much unworthincffe confider'd) to convert it Ever to love, and 'tis your love, before Your Perfon or Eftate, that my affeflion Ought to direft mee to. In anfwer therefore, to your will, you have mee, I muft fay no, till I perceive fome figne Of A mad Coiiple well MatcJid. 65 Of love in you towards me. Crof. I now he fpeakes ! Some fignes of love in me? How would you have it? Muft I declare it to you before you feeke it ? Bel. No ; I would feeke it zealoufly, but my Lord Is off on't now, and I may lofe his favour. Crof. Is your love limited by his favour then ? Bel. Not limited : but (as it is as yet, But in its infancy) a little checkt, Though it ftill growes, and may extend beyond All limitation to fo faire an object As is your felfe : But ftill my own demerit Curbs my ambition more then love emboldens. Crof. He fpeakes within me now. Enter Saveall, Careleffe. Sa. Stay, let us retire. Here is the Lord Lovely. Car. Be he a Lord of Lords i'le not retire a foot. Lo. What fervants Miftris Crqflill doe. you keep, To let intruders in ? O iVIr. Saveall \ Carleffe faltites Sa. The humbleft of your Lordfhips {Croflill, fervants. {& puts by Lo. What Gentlemen is that you bring {Bellamy. with you ? Sa. It is the Nephew of the good Knight Sir Oliver TJirivewell, of which Sir Oliver, I have pro- cured unto your Lordfliip the fum which you defired by your fervant Mr. Bellamy. Lo. For that I thanke him and you, but I could wifli you had not brought that Nephew hither now. Sa. Certes my Lord I am forry. Ld. My reafon is, I have entcr'd Bellamy a fuitor to the Widow. Sa. He alfo comes a fuiter. Lo. And is in deepe difcourfc with her already. F rie 66 A mad Couple well MatcJid. I'le fee faire play. Car. But you fhall heare mee Widow, and that to the point and purpofe. Lo. Lady at my requeft, doe this Gentleman (who made the firft approach) the favour to be heard, and anfwer'd firft. Car. As his approach was firft my Lord, fhee has heard him firft already, and my requeft is to be heard now, and then let her anfwer both him, or me, or neither, what care I .-^ Lo. Your name is Carelejfe I take it. Car. I came to talke with this Gentlewoman. Crof. Pray my Lord forbeare him, and let him fpeake, what do you fay fir .-• Car. I fay I love you, doe refolve to marry you, and then to ufe you as I lift. Crof. I fay I love you, doe refolve to marry you, and then to ufe you as I lift. To Bell. Bell. This to mee Lady } i'le tak6 you at your word. Crof. Stay, I doe but tell you what he fayes. Car. Take her at her word againe fir, and I fhall take you by the luggs. I fay againe you fhall have none but me. Crof. I fay again, you fliall have none but me. — To Bel Car. What, doe you foole mee, or him, your felfe, or all .•" Crof. Pray fir how old are you .-• Car. Are you good at that, pray fir, how old are you .'' To Bel. Lo. You preffe beyond your priviledge, which is only to fpeake to the Gentlewoman. Car. My Lord I am a Gentleman. Lo. You may tell her fo. Sa. Let me befeech your Lordfliip. Take him afide. Car. A mad Couple well Matclid. 6y Car. How can you ufc a Gentleman that loves you Dearer then Life, and onely bends his ftudy By all meanes to deferve you, one that (can not ?) Will not, while there are wayes to die, live out of Your favour, with fo much defpightfull fcorne. That when he fpeakes his foul to you through his lips, You make his Language yours, and giv't a Boy ? Crof. What Gentleman's that you fpeake of? Car. The man that fpeakes it I am he. Crof. All this fir in efife6l, and more of my affec- tion, can I fpeake to you. Car. Uns, but you fliall not, you miflake the perfon to whom you are, or ought to dirc6l your affeftion, you miftake flrangely. Crof. No more then once a Lover, or at leaft, A bold pretender, having in civill language Expreft in writing his affeftion To a chaft Miftris feal'd, and direfted it. And on the contrary, courted his vertuous friend in brothell language ; To a lewd ftrumpet. Have I hit you fir } Car. What can I fay now ! Slife if that anger you after the errour found, and confeft, i'le write worfe to you, and- in earneft. Crof Mr. Bellamy fome other time I fliall be glad to fee you. Car. Shee meanes that to mec now, but i'le take no notice ; i'le finde as good a Wiclow in a Taverne Chimney, O fliee's a dainty Widow ! Crof. Hee lookes with fcorne at mee, I muft not lofe him, yet dare not ftay, for fcare I tell him fo. I humbly crave your pardon good my Lord, For my ill manners, and abrupt departure ; The caufc is urgent, and I befeech your mercy, Oucftion it not. F 2 Lo. 68 A mad Couple well MatcJid. Lo. Let your will guide you, Crof. Mr. Savcall 1 thanke you for my Suitor. Car. Nay but Lady. Crof. Yes you fliall controwle mee in my owne Houfe. Exit. Car. Yes, yes, I meane fo too, but you fhall wooe mee hard firft. Lo. 'Tis a mad Widow, which of thefe two now think you has the Better on't } Sa. I thinke he fhall in the end have the beft my Lord, that can flight her moft. Lo. 'Tis my opinion too, and heare mee ; Afide. Car. Sir, I have feene you but twice, and it has beene at places where I cannot allow of your re- forts, firft at my Aunts, and now here at my Widowes. Bel. Your Widow fir ! I thought fliee had beene the Widow of one deceas'd. Car. Thou art a witty, pretty Child. But doe you here ufe your wit, out of the fmell-reach of your Lords perfum'd Gloves, and I fliall take you by the Nofe. Bel. Forbcare fir, I have a Handkercher. Car. And let me findc you there no more, nor here I charge )'Ou. Bel. I heare your charge fir, but you mufl: leave it to my difcretion to obey it or not. Car. Truft to your difcretion ! Lo. And fo commend me to my Lady Thrive- ivell. (^ome Bellamy away, what's your difcourfe } Bel. All faire and friendly my Lord. Car. Very good. Lo. So fliould it be with Rivalls, fare you well Mr. Careleffe. Car. Your Lordfhips with a whew. Sav. Will you walke homewards 'i Car. A mad Couple well Matclid. 69 Car. Excufe mc fir, I pray. Sav. It will not be convenient to returne this day unto the Widow. Car. Feare it not fir, I like her not fo well now. Sa. Doe your pleafure. Exit. Car. Ha' you cr6fi"c tricks Miftris CroJlilP. well I will goe drinke your Crotchets out of my Pate, then home, and doe that which mine Aunt and I muft only know. This is her Night of Grace, if fhee keepe touche with me. Exeunt Omnes. ACT IV. SCENE I I. Enter Lady, Phebc, Clofet. La. T N truth your ftory is pittifull, but your own J. folly has brought your fcourge upon you. Phe. 'Twas through the blindneffe of my love, and my credulity Madam, wrought by his flrong Temptations. La. Well, for this once i'le ftraine a point of honour for you, chiefly indeed in anfwer of his rude unnaturall prefumption in attempting mce. That a Villaine can ftill be fo barbaroufiy lullfull I If in this way I fit him not, and caufe him to defift his beaftly purpofe, I will difcover all to his undoing. Clofet you know my minde, and full dire6lions for the conveyance of our defigne. Clo. Yes Madam, doubt not. Though I have but a naughty head at moft, other matters, I dare not truft it for a fare one at fuch conveyances. La. I prefumc to further the matter, hce'l come F 3 home 70 A mad Couple well MatcJid. home Drunke by his not comming to Supper. Clo. Then he may forget what he fo much ex- pe6led, or fleepe away his expe6lation. Phe. No, hee will then be the more vehement till his defire be over. La. You know his humour beft it feemes, away, away, my husband comes. Exit Clo. Phe. Ejiier Thrivezvell and Wat. Thr. Well Wat., for this difcovery i'le make thy reward worth ten fuch maflers fervices. Thr. Sweet heart I have a fuit to you — But firft what Woman's that with Nurfe ? La. A Kinfwoman of hers whom fhee would preferre to mee, but I have anfwer'd her, I will not charge your purfe with more attendants ; onely I have given her leave to entertaine, and lodge her this night. Thr. That's my Good Girle. La. Now what's your fuite fir, (as you are pleas'd to call it) which I would have to be your free com- mand .-* Thr. 'Tis for my abfence from thee, to accom- pany Mr. Saveall, to bring a dcare friend on his way to Gravefend to night, who is fodainly to de- part the Land. La. Thefe fodaine departures of friends out of the Land, are fo frequent, an'd that I may believe you intend really, and no fained cxcufe ; now will I thinke as long as you have good and fubftantiall Made-worke at home, that you will feeke abroad for any more flight fale-ware. Thr. No more o'that Sweet heart, farewell, ex- pe6l me early in the morning. Exit. La. I am glad of his abfence to night, left there fliould happen fome cumbuftion in the houfe by his unruly Nephew, in cafe hcc fliould difcover my deceipt in beguiling him with his own wench inflead of A mad Couple well MatcJid. 7 1 of me, I do even tremble to thinke upon the un- naturall Villaine, that would ofifer fo to wrong his Unkle. I thought I had fchool'd him fufficiently, and beaten him off at his firft attempt, and hee to affaile me againe with more forcible temptations urging me to a promife. Enter Clofet. Clo. The young Gentleman is come in Madam, and as you forefaw very high flowne, but not fo drunke as to forget your promife ! Hee's going to bed in expe6lation of your approach. La. And have you put his Damfell into her night-attire ? Clo. Moft Lady-like I affure you Madam. La. And let her be fure to fteale from him before Day. Clo. Yes, with all filence Madam, fhe has pro- mifed. Ex. La. May Ladies that fhall heare this ftory told, Judge mildly of my aft fmce hee's fo bold. ACT IV. SCENE III. Saleware, Bella^ny. Sa. 'NT Ay but looke you Mr. Bellamy, it is not I 1 \ proteft that I am jealous, I make this inquiry for my wife. I jealous .-* I an Afmego then, 1 am as confident of my wife, as that fhe is in this houfe, how ere you deny her to me. Bel. Why Lady, you are not jealous now } If you were not, you would believe me fhe is not here. Sa. Without equivocation, Mr. Bellamy, flicc is not here — indeed, under your foot, but fliee's here in the houfe, and under fome body for aught any VOL. I. F 4 body 6 72 A mad Couple well MatcJid. body knows, but my felfe, that doe confide in her as I fay, and will know no fuch matter ; And fo my Lords will be done with her, I hope I fhall fee her well to morrow, and at her own houfe. Bel. Can fuch language proceed out of any but a jealous mouth ? Sa. What an Affmego's this ! I fay againe, I doe confide in her, nor will I be dafht, or bafht at what any man fayes of, or againft her ; And there- fore me thinks tis very flrange that you fliould deny her to me, that comes not to moleft her. Bel. There you are againe. But fince no denyall will ferve your turne, indeed fliee is here in this houfe, and in bed by this time. Sa. Away, away, you mock i faith, you are a wag, fhee's no more here then I am, if fhce were here can I thinke you would tell } Bel. How came you to thinke, or dreame fhee was in this houfe at all .'' Sa. I neither thought it, or dreamt it. I but fir, a waterman brought me a Letter in haft from one Mr. Anoninnis, intimating that my Ally was with a private friend at this houfe, and to lie here all night (a very likely matter) what private friend has fhee but my Lord, and that in a right honorable way, I confide in 'em both for that ; but at this houfe is fuch a thing my Lord having divers Lodg- ings, and fhee a houfe of her own at his difpofe and command, that is fuch a thing to be thought or dreamt on ! Bel. Why came you to inquire then of fuch a thing .-* Sa. Why fir, this Anonimus writ that I fhould come haftily hither, and aske to fpeake with you Mr. Bellatny, and 1 fliould know further ; hither I came, here I finde you, you deny Ihce is here, and what doe I inquire any further ,-' Bel. A mad Couple well Matched, 73 Bel. You heare mee fay agen fhee is here. Sa. Goe you are a wag agen, fhee here ? is my Lord here ? or any private friend ? alas, alas you are too young Mr. Bellamy, and may as well per- fwade mee I am jealous. Bel. Well fir, to put you out of all jealoufie and doubt (if you be in any) I was the Anonimjis that fent you the Letter to draw you hither and declare my felfe your friend, which Ihall inftantly be mani- feft to you, if now you have a minde to lie with your own wife before any other man. Sa. Then fhee is here indeed belike. Bel. Pray come with me into the next Chamber. Sa. This is fome waggery plotted by my wife, I fmell it. Exit. The Bed put forth, Alicia in it. Enter Bellamy, Saleware, with Light. Bel. But you mufh be fure to fay when fhee dif- covers you, that you came of your owne accord, unfent for, as infpir'd or poffeft by fome Dreame or Vifion, to finde her here. Sa. Well, if this be not my wifes waggery in a maine proof of her chaftity, I am not here, I will doe fo fir. Bel So then, obfcure your felfe a while, while I approach her. AL Who's there.? Bel. 'Tis I, your fervant Lady. A I. Sweet Bellamy why come you not to Bed .'' Sa. Good. Al. Dos the love that was fo hot, and the defire that was fo fervent, begin to coole in you } Sa. Good agen, as if hee an Affinego had ever made love to her fine waggery ! Al. Has my meere confent to fatisfie you, cloy'd you .? Sa. Confent to my Lords man, a likely matter ! A I 74 -^ f^<^d Couple well Match' d. Al. Or did you court me to a promife onley to try my fidelity to your Lord, and then betray me ? Bel. Deare Lady thinke not fo, but that I am ftruck into ftone with wonder, and amazement at the moft unexpe6led accident that ever croft a Lover. Sa. Dainty waggery this, what httle mad Rogues are thefe to plot this to make me jealous ? Al. Pray, are you ferious ? what is the accident ? Bel. I will not be fo croft, but kill him rather. To injoy fuch a Miftris, who would not kill a horn'd beaft .'' yet blood is fuch a horror Sa. Very pretty. A I. Will you not tell mee } Bel. Speak lower gentle Lady. A I. Why prithee, who can heare us ? Bel. I know not by what Magick your jealous husband has made difcovery of our being here, he wrought fure with the Devill ! Al. I am undone then. He will tell my Lord. Sa. I fhall undoe my felfe then Friend. No, Sapieniia mea inihi. Be not dafht nor bafht for that good Friend, if there were any fuch matter : but this is waggery, fine waggery plotted betwixt you, to tempt my jealoufie, but never the fooner for a hafty word I warrant you, Mr. Bellamy that my Wife is here I thank you ; But how I came to know it you fhall never know from me ; you fent not for mee, I am fure you were not the Anonimus. Indeed it fhould have been AnoiJiina Fricnd-wifc : for it was thy a6t I dare fweare ; However you doe not heare mee fay I was fent, or writ for at all, more then by a Dreame or Vifion : But here I am and mcane to remaine to night ; I hope the houfe can afford you another Bed in't Mr. Bellamy, and you to leave mee to my owne Friend-wife, I like the lodging moft curioufly fweete Friend, and I prethee A mad Couple well Matclid. 75 prethee, lets try heartily what luck we may have in a ftrange place, I would fo faine have a little one like thee. Bel. rie leave you to your wifhes, a good night to you. Al. Pray fir a word firfl:, husband be farther. Sa. Faces about Tom Saleware, and march for- wards. Al. You told mee fir, of a hundred pound that your fweete Lady Thrivewell fent me. Bel. 'Tis true I have it for you, Al. But fhee has fmce countermanded you to keepe it, has fhee, and to mock my expe6lation of that, and you } why have you foold me thus .'' Bel. I rather fhould fuipeft your craft in this prevention : but love forbids me and I muft con- clude, 'tis witchcraft in your husband. Al. Come let's kiffe friends, and (fweet) to morrow night I will prevent his Witchcraft, in the full enjoyment of our free pleafures : be you true to me. Bel. May all that's Man in me forfake me elfe. Al. Another kiffe and then good night. Sa. Are you ftill whifpering } no matter, let'em whifper. Bel. Good night. Exit. Al. Now may the fpirits of all injur'd women, be added to mine owne, for my revenge, which I this night will dreame of flighted and mock'd hee and his like fhall know. That when a yielding woman is fo croft, All thoughts but of revenge with her are lofl. Sa. O hee's gone — Ally, Friend I would fay, And now I prithee tell mee how, or why thou cam'ft hither. Al. Will you pardon me } Sa. Yes faith, I were no friend elfe. Al. "J 6 A mad Couple well Match' d. AL 'Twas but to try if I could make thee jealous. Sa. In waggery ! did not I fay fo ! when doe my prophecies faile ? AL But what brought you hither thinke you ? Sa. A letter from one Anonimus, but i'le eate Spiders, and breake if you fent it not. A I. Give me the Letter. Sal. Where is it .'' facks I ha' loft it. A I. 'Twas I indeed that fent it. Sa. Did not I fay fo too } and that it fhould ha' been Anonima, Sapientia mea niihi, when doe my prophecies faile .'' i'le to bed inftantly while the prophetick fpirit is in mee, and get a fmall Prophet or a South-fayer. AL No, i'le have no bed-fellow to night. Sa. Nere the leffe for a hafty word, I hope Friend. AL \ am at a word for that. Sa. I'le lie upon thy feet then. AL Well, you may draw the Curtaines, and fleepe by me. Sa. Sapientia 7nea mihi, Jlultitia tua tibi. Puts in the bed, Exit. ACT IV. SCENE IV. Phebe pajfes over the Jlage in night attire, Carelejfe follows her as in the darke. Car. A /T Adam, Madam, fweet Madam, 'twill not IVi be day thefe three hours, ftay but three minuits longer, but a touch more, fhe's whipt into her Chamber. Could I but finde the Dore I know my Unkle's from home — O (hee returnes with light : that's well. Enter A mad Couple well Matclid. 7 7 Ejtter Lady, a light. La. What aile you ! Are you mad ? Car. Would not any man be mad for lofm^ fuch a Bed-fellow ? fweet Madam, let us retire without any noife. La. What an infatiate beaft are you ? would you undoe for ever both me and your felfe ? Car. Not with one doe more I warrant you, come away Madam, Madam, fomebody knocks mainly at the gate ; and I believe it is my Mafter return'd before his time ! Enter Clofet. La. I cannot think 'tis he. Car. 'Tis the Rogue my man I warrant drunke, and has forgot I turnd him away, but he fhall fpoyl no fport. Come away Madam. La. Clofet, goe your wayes downe, and hearke before you Clo. 1 will Madam -Exit. Car. So now come Madam, I commend you in the charge you have given your watch-woman. La. What charge doe you gueffe .^ Car. Why to tell my Unkle {if he be come) that hee muft not come neare you, that you have had no reft to Night till juft now you are fallen afleepe, and fo forth. La. Goe you are a wicked fellow ; I am forry for any the leaft favour I have done thee, and doe * thou dare to attempt me once more, i'le ha' thee turnd headlong out of my dores. Car. I have got her with child to-night, with a fparke of mine owne fpirit, and longs already to doe me mifchiefe. The boy will be like mee, there- fore 'tis pity to knock't o'the head : But come Madam tother crafh and good night, muft I drag you to't } La. y8 A mad Couple well MatcJi d. La. Touch mee but with a finger, and I'le raife the Houfe. Car. You dare not fure, and now take heed you vex me not, have you not been my whore ? La. You dare not fay fo, for fpoyling your fortune. Car. Faith but I dare, and if you will not obey me in a courfe of further pleafure to night, fetch me a hundred peeces to take a courfe abroad with- all, doe yee looke ? I'le make you fetch me hundred after hundred Hufwife, when I want it, or fhall be pleas'd to call for't. All comes out elfe, the gates of your fame flies open Lady. I will proclaime our Aa, La. Dare you forfit your own Reputation fo } Car. I fhall gaine Reputation by't in the company I keepe abroad, and if the Cuckold my Unkle come to the knowledge of it at home, I fhall poffeffe him that you luftfully tempted me to it. La. Canft thou be fo villanoufly impudent to deftroy thine own fortune to ruine me t Car. You may conceale all then, and fo will I, and mend my fortune by yours, I will live bravely upon your fortune, and the heire which I have got to Night fhall inherit it, my Unkles eftate. And therefore indeed I would have all conceald ; for my childs good, or rather for mine owne : for it Ihall goe hard if I put him not into a courfe in his minority to confume the eflate upon me before he come to age. La. I am undone. Car. And O that ever I did it ! La. Thou Villaine haft undone me. Car. Come i'le do you agen, and then all's whole agen ; Y'are both undone, O you prodigious monfters That have betwixt you made me monfter too ! What's A mad Couple well MatcJid. 79 What's to be done, but that I kill you both, Then fall upon my fword. Enter Thrivewelly Saveall. Sav. Sir, you refume the temper of humanity, And let the Law diflipguifh you from them, You neither are to be their Executioner, Nor to fall with them. Thr. Life to me is torment. Car. O the Devill, what a cafe am I in now ! La, Pray heare me fir .-' Thr. Can more be faid to aggravate thy fhame, Or my affli(5lion, then I have heard already t Sa. Let me intreat you heare her. La. What fhame did you, or what afifli6lion I Suffer, when you difcoverd unto me Your bargaine of a hundred pound in Saleware, You underfband me. How was life a torment To me then thinke you .-* Thr. Did you not vow forgements then.!* and thus. You freely would forgive my a6l .? and thus Now to revenge it on me to my ruine, And your pwne endleffe infamy } O 'tis horrid. La. 'Tis no revenge at all, onely a fhew To flartle you, or try your manly temper. And fo neare to be even with yee as to let you know, what fome wife might perhaps ha done being fo mov'd. It was my plot indeed to ftraine you hither to this falfe fire difcovery, for which i'le give you reafons. Thr. O groffe diffimulation. La. Mr. Saveall, you have done many faire offices for his Nephew, doe this for me, intreat him to a Conference a few minutes in my Chamber ; if I cleare not my felfe in his and your opinion, and that by witneffes, let me be found the fhame of all my Sex. Sa 8o A mad Couple well Matched. Sa. Sir, my councells have been prevalent with your judgement, let me perfwade you. Thr. But I will have that friend thruft out of dore firfl. La. I would not that you fhould, nor give a looke, or word to him till you have heard me ; Then exercife your Juftice. Sav. Sir be induc'd to it. Thr. You have prevayl'd. La. Goe to your Bed agen George, and fleepe, be not afifraid of Bug-beares. Exit. Car. Hows this? She's come about agen, and has patch'd all up already. I hope fhee'l worke mine Unkle to reward mee for my Night-worke, and bring him in time to hold my ftirrop while his George mounts her ; Shee's a delicate well-going beaft ! I know but one to match her in a courfe, juft the fame pace and fpeede as if I had onely had the breaking, and managing of her my felfe, but the marke goes out of Phebcs mouth now ; and i'le play my Aunt againft all the Town. But how fhee thought to fright mee with villaine and impudent. And now goe to bed George, ha, ha, ha, I find her drift. No wit like womens at a fodaine fhift. ACT V. SCENE I. Enter Old Bellamy, Lovely. Lov. T^Ellainy thou art welcome, and for thy J3 Nephew I mufl ever thanke thee, he is my beft companion. Old Bel. O my good Lord without boafb be it fpoken, I have ever beene right and ftraight to your A mad Couple well Matcftd. 8 1 your honour, and never did you an ill office in Man, Woman, or Child, what I have /aid of em they have proved at firjl, or I have wrought 'em to at lajl. But what doe I fpeake on't, I have ever beene for your Lordfhip, all things I have fworne for you, I have fought for you, I have brok'd for you, I have pimpt for you, but what doe I fpeake on't ? Lo. You need not Bellamy : for I know all. 01. B. Oh the Gentlemens Wives, and Farmers Daughters that I have prefented to you in your Summer ProgrefTes, and winter Journeys about the Countries. But what doe I fpeake on't Lo. Becaufe thou lovft to champ upon the bit to pleafe thy old coltifh tooth ftill, thou lov'ft the memory of the former fweets which now thou canft not relifh. 01. B. And here i' the City, I have pledg'd more of your feverall Miftreffes, then in my confcience there be honeft Women in't. But what doe I fpeake on't ? Lo. I never had fo many man. 01. B. Or if you had, what doe I fpeake on't ? and in my confcience agen, I have drunke more to your Lordfhips health in my dayes, then any Wine- cellar in the City at this day, containes of Spanifh, French, and Rhenifh ; but what do I fpeake of that either .'' Lo. True Bellamy, fall then upon fome other fubje6l. 01. B. Yes, my good Lord, and I pray your Lordfhip tell me, dos not my Nephew drinke and wench pretty handfomely } I would faine have him take after me, and not his drunken father. Lo. How well he fhifts his fubje6l, wicked old fellow .'' 01. B. Dos he not begin to fall to yet .' Lo. Not he. G 01. B. 82 A mad Couple well MatcUd. 01. B. Not a bit nor a foope ? dos he doe no- thing by example ? or has your Lordfhip left it ? or dos he carry it like a Gentleman ? Lo. Difcreetly and Virgin-like. Ol. B. Pretty commendation for a young Courtier. Lo. I would for my deferved love to him have put him upon a faire young Widow of a great fortune, but could not make him looke upon her like a fuitor. 01. B. Juft fuch a bafhfull puppy was my brother, his Father ; I wonder how my Mother came by him ; My Father was right, and fhe was right, and I have beene right, but what doe I fpeake on't ? Lo. True Bellamy, fpeake of fomewhat elfe, 01. B. The Boy will nere grow up to me, I thought to have left him fomewhat, I muft difcard him. Lo. If you do, he is in me provided for. 01. B. What can your Lordfhip love him for } Lo. Come i'le tell thee, and be comforted. Hee has fomething of thee in him. Hee will pimpe moft conveniently. 01. B. That's fomething indeed. Lo. And for his modefty which is a rare benefit of nature in him, I dare truft him with a Miftriffe, as I would an Eunuch. 01. B. Benefit ! A defe6l I feare, yet I may hope in time fome Miftris of your Lordfliips may tempt, and bring him forwards. Lo. No I am confident Now your news. Enter Page, whifper. Good Bellamy walke in the Gallery a while. OL B. Some Miftris is comming to him, but what doe I fpeake on't .'' Exit. Goe bid* her come in. Exit Page. What brings her fo unfeafonably .'' Enter A mad Couple well Mat did. 83 Enter A licia, Salezvare. A I. Stay you at diftancc yet a while Friend, till I call you. Sal. Faces about Tom Salcivarc. Exit. Lo. How now ! How is it with my love ? Ha ! How comes a trouble on this Face, where my de- lights are ever wont to Revell ? Al. O my Lord Lo. Say who has injur'd thee ? Has thy husband taken up the uncivill boldneffe to abufe thee ? or be it any other man, it fliall be death, or an undoing to him. Al. My Lord, I am wrong'd, but would be loth to ingage your noble perfon in my quarrell, fome fervant of yours may do it. Lo. Of what condition is thy wrong .-' tell mee ; and who of my Servants thou wouldft have to right thee } Al. \ would have Bellamy, how thinke you .'' is hee faithfull to you .'' Lo. How canft thou queftion it .-• Has hee not ever been fo .'' Al. Your Lordfhip has well trufted him I know. Lo I doe not know the man, I truft, or love fo well. Al. But would your Lordfliip part with any Jewell, or choyce thing you love and have intended onely for your own particular ufe, to him, or let him be your own partner in it .'' Lo. Troth I thinke I fhould ; onely thy felfe excepted, but what's thy wrong, I pnthee, or wherein fhould Bellamy right thee .'' Al. Bellamy has wrong'd mee to thinke me fo unworthy as to be tempted to his luft ; Bellamy has wrong'd your honour in that ambitious attempt. Lo. Thou amazeft me. Al. And Bellamy muft right me, and your honour ; or you muft cafl off him or me. G 2 Lo. 84 A mad Couple well Match' d. Lo. Give mee at leaft fome circumflance to make this probable. Al. Muft not I be believ'd ? you fhall have in- ftance then to make it truth, Friend Thomas. Pray verifie unto my Lord the difcovery you made laft night of me, and Mr. Bellamy. Enter Saleware. Sal. 'Twas thus my Lord an't hke your Lordfhip, my wife was forth at evening ant like your Lord- fhip, as fliee may have often beene ant like your Lordfhip, and may be as oft agen ant like your Lordfliip. Lo. Well pray thee on. Sal. Forth fhee was ant like your Lordfliip, I flaid fupper, and almoft bed time for her ant like your Lordfliip ; And had even given her over for all night ant like your Lordfhip, as I may of any night ant like your Lordfhip. Lo. On I pray thee. Sal Yes ant like your Lordfliip upon fome private notice given to me an't like your Lordfhip, that fhe was at a private lodging ant like your Lordfhip, with a private friend ant like your Lord- fhip, over I went, and found her abed ant like your Lordfhip, and Mr. Bellamy even ready to go to bed to her ant like your Lordfhip. Lo. Is this true ^ (Lordfhip. Sa. As true as your Lordfhip lives ant like your Lo. How could you be betrayd fo .'' Al. The Villaine fetch'd me forth, and lodg'd mee there as by your appointment, and for your own plcafure ; but when 'twas late, and that your Lordfhip came not, thinking he had an advan- tageous opportunity, hee foon difcovers his love to me, and his treachery to your Lord- AJide. fliip ; I being in a flrait oncly (finding happy meanes to fend for my husband to prevent him) made A mad Couple well MatcHd. 85 made him a falfe promife being fccure in my hus- band ; and what had follovv'd your Lordfliip under- flands. Lo. rie nere truft man can blufli and weepe agen. Sa. Infooth ant like your Lordfliip I thought all had been but waggery ant like your Lordfhip, to tempt mee unto jealoufy, and my wife knowing well enough that I was by, bade Sweet Bellainy come to Bed, O Wag ! {Saleware ? Lo. What meffenger brought you the notice Mr. Sa. A waterman my Lord, and like your Lord- fhip, here's the letter, and like your Lordfhip. Al. You told me you had loft it, when I ask'd fort to burne it. Sa. I thought I had Friend, but I found it now, and given it my Lord before I was aware Friend. Al. Hell take that Letter. Sa. Now abotts on't for mee, if thou beeft angry Friend. Al. You had better ha fwallow'd it full of Rats- bane. Sa. Nere the fooner for a hafty word I hope Friend. Reades. Lo. Mr. Saleware, if you will avoyd a new addition of homes, come with this bearer over into Montagues clofe, ivhere you fliall finde your Wife with a private Friend, at a private lodg- ing ; Hafl thither, and afke for one Bellamy. Anonimus. What Ridles this ? This is Bellamics owne hand, I know it, why fliould hee fend to prevent him- felfe .-• or how could fliee write his Character .'* This Woman is not right. Al. Doe you note my art my Lord, to write as in a Mans Name, when I wrought it my fclf .'' G 3 Sa. 86 A mad Couple well Matcltd. Sa. And did not I tell you Friend, it fhould ha' been Afionima ? Sapientia niea mihi. Lo. Within there call Bellamy. Enter Page. Pa. Hee's not within my Lord, and has not beene to night. Al. His abfence is another circumftance to a probability my Lord. But hee was feene this morning to goe in at Sir Anthony Tlirivewels. {Exit Lo. Goe let my Coach be ready prefently. Pa. He fhould receive 500I. there for me, I truft he will not furnifh himfelfe with it for a flight. Al. My Lord I gave you an inkling of a fami- liarity betwixt him and the Lady Thrivewell, he has flnce declar'd their a6l of luft to me, and urg'd it for an inftance to my yielding. Lo. Can you affirme this .'' A I. Yes, to his face and hefs. Enter Saveall. Lo. O Mr. Savcall\ welcome. Sa. My Lord your fervant Bellamy is receaving your money at Sir Anthony Thrivewells. Lo. I thanke you. Sav. But my Lord, there is fallen an unhappy accident betweene Sir Anthony, his Lady and his Nephew, in which your fervant Bellamy alfo is con- cern'd ; and your Lordfliip is much, and moft humbly befought by the Lady to heare, and ex- amine the difference. Enter Old Bellamy. Lo. I was preparing thither. Oh, Mr. Bellamy, you have not eavefdropt, have you .•' Old Bel. Will you pardon me my Lord .'' Lo. Yes, if thou haft. Old Bel. I have my Lord, and am overjoyd to heare fo well of my Nephew. Lo. A mad Couple well Matched. 87 Lo. You may heare more anon, come all along with me. Ex. Onincs. Old Bel. I may heare more anon, your Lordfliip tho' knowes not of what fo well as I doe know. Exit. ACT V. SCENE II. Enter TJirivewell, Carelcffe, Lady, Phebe, Clofet, Wat. Thr. T Need not caft thee off, or bid thee goe X Now, and for ever from me, thine own fliame Will force thee hence. Car. You are deceiv'd in that. Thr. What is thine own take with thee, here 'tis all Phebe Thou ever getft, or canft expe6l from me. Car. Shee was mine own before your wife be- came our coupler, in Englifli plaine our Bawd. Thr. Ufe no uncivill Language while you are well. Car. For which you have your witneffes, this falfe, Traytor that brought you on. La. By my dire6lion George. Wat. No Traytor neither fmce you left to be my Mafter, wounded and turnd me off. Car. And this darke Lanthorne here, this old deceptio vifus, That juggled the wrong party into my Bed. Clo. Ha, ha, ha. Car. Doe you grin Grim Malkiii } But fweete Madam, if your fine Springall Bellamy had lien there in my ftead flie would ha'brought the right party ; your Ladifliips Lilly white fclfe. 7 VOL. I. G 4 Thr. 88 A mad Couple well Matclid. Thr. How's that ? La. No more o' that g-ood George. Car. Nay, it fhall out, fince you have wrought my ruine, I will be the deftru6lion of you all ; And therefore now heare mee O Knight, and firft refolve to make me rich in my reward, for wonders i'le unfold. Thr. Canfl; thou expe6l reward from mee for any thing that can by thee be utterd ? Car. Reward ? why not ? why fhould not you reward my good Offices as well as punifh my ill ? I muft and will rely upon you for all the good that can befall mee ; or if I muft expe6l no further from you, i'le give't you gratis, And if you be any thing but a Wittall heare mee. La. What doe you meane .■* Car. To fet you out livelyer, then all your paint- ings : or dee heare, will you give mee a hundred pound a quarter for my filence .-* La. Not a penny ; if you feeke my undoing, heaven forgive you. Thr. What (Villaine) canfl: thou fpeake to her prejudice ? Car. That which (if you are no Wittall) you'l be loath to hear, but you fhall have it. Thr. Darfl; thou talke fo >. Car. And fmce you hold my attempt at her, fo haynous, you may be pleas'd to know I was incited to't by example of him I nam'd, that fmooth Fac'd Bellamy. Thr. Darft thou accufe her with him } Car. You may aske her bolfter there, her Madam Nurfe old Mother Cockbroth. Clo. O me. Car. I, O you aske her fir, what fhee did with him, or he with her, in their two hourcs privacy in her chamber, when hee came to take up five hundred A mad Couple well Match' d. 89 hundred pound for his Lord, There was a fwect taking up, fir fhee confeffed all to me, and on pur- pofe, I dare be fvvorn to embolden mee in my attempt to her Ladyfhip. Clo. I confeffe ? Thr. What did (hee confeffe ? Car. That hee made ufe of your Bed with your wife, what language fhall I utter't in ? you were beft fee it done before you believe it. Thr. O me moft miferable if this be true ! Car. Well, there's for them two. La. Goe Clofet till I call you. Exit Clo. Car. Now for that Rogue (becaufe I muft expc6l no further good of you, but this which is mine owne you fay) i'le lay him open to you, you re- member how once I ingratiated my felfe to you by refcuing you from a Robbery and Murder (as you fuppos'd) for which you took me into favour Thr. Yes, and have wifh'd a thoufand times fmce, that I had loft the thoufand pound I had about me then, and tane fome wounds for't in exchange rather then by that refcue to have taken thy Viperous felfe into my bofome. Car. This Rogue plotted that bufmeffe, 'twas a mere trick of his invention. The fuppofcd Theeves were his companions, and wrought by him only to fcare you and run away when wee came to your fuccour, onely to indeare mee to you. There was no hurt meant, but the flap I gave him over the Pate to colour the bufmeffe, with little blood, I wifh now I had cleft his braines. Thr. Your wifh tho' againft your will is a good reward to him, for I love him the better for his wit in that plot, and care of his then Mafler. Car. Doe you fo fir } Then 'twas mine own in- vention, let him deny't if he can. Wat. 90 A mad Couple nvell Match' d. Wat. Indeed the plot was his fir, I onely found the A6lors. Thr. I cannot condemne the conceipt however ; and am fomething taken with the wit on't, would all the reft were no worfe. Car. And now I have utterd my whole mind fir, and you declard I muft expe6l no further good of you, come away P/iib, I have injur'd thee long, i'le make thee now amends for all ; i'le marry thee, and fell Tobacco with thee. La. Let him not go fir, I befeech you in this defperate way, not till I anfwer to his accufation. Thr. Sir you fhall ftay, and make your felfe good before authority, or cleare my wife. Car. You'l have your houfe then known to have beene a bawdy-houfe ^ Thr. The Courts of Princes and Religious Houfes May fo have been abus'd. Car. Under fuch Governeffes. Thr. You'l anon be filent, what's the matter ? wee are bufy. Enter Clofet. Ser. Miftris Crojiill, Madam is come in great haft to vifit you, and a Kinfeman of your Ladifhips with her. Thr. At fuch a time .-' excufe your felfe. Ser. They are here fir, enterd againft all refift- ance. Enter Crojiill, Fitzgerrard. La. Miftris Crojiill I you have much honord me Coz&n Fitzgerrard ! welcome. Fit. I have a private fute to you Madam. La. Pray Mr. Thrivewell entertdiine the Lady. Car. Another forunt youth. CroJ. Sir, I perceave fome difcontent here, I hope your Nephew has not againe difpleas'd you .-' Thr A mad Couple well MatcJid. 91 Thr. He is a villaine, feekes my utter ruine. Crof. Pray fay not fo, for feare you force mee love him. Thr. You are undone for ever if you doe. Crof. Doe not fay fo, for feare I fly to him, The thought of him already breakes my fleeps, I could not reft to night for thinking of him. Which made my early haft to unload my minde, Prefuming that your judgement may excufe A fimple Womans weakneffe, what is fhee That hee courts fo .'' Thr. I tell you, fhee's a Whore with Child by him,' layes claime to him, and I think hee'l marry her. Crof. Still you fpeake better of him, and my love muft not fee him fo loft, fir let me fpeake with you. Car. Me Lady } I am bufy ; I am bufy. Crof. What mettall am I of.'' his fcorne's a Load- ftone ; No Courtfhip like his carelefneffe to mee ; And all difpraife fpeakes for him, Sir I will fpeake with you. Car. I blufti for you, what would you fay now, were it not too late } Crof. Nay onely to your eare. Car. Stand off a while PJiib. Goes afide. Fit. His Lordfhip Madam ftiail give me accompt To each particular. La. You fhall doe well to put it to him Cofen Husband, I overheard you, and commend you, That tho' you caft your Nephew from all hopes Of good from you, you will not yet deftroy His fortunes other wayes. Thr. How doe you meane .-' La. For that I finde by your reviling him You more inflame that croffe phantaftick Widow With eager love to caft her felfe upon him. Thr. 92 A mad Couple well Match! d. Thr Had I thought fo, I had fpoke well of him Againft my confcience. La. No, let me intreat you. Be that way charitable, and fpeake worfe ; The worfe the bettet. Car. Tempt me not good Lady, To your own prejudice, your defl;ru6lion ; I am one you cannot live and lie withall A fortnight you, alas y'are but a griffell, Weake picking meat ; Here's one will hold me tack, Seaven conftant ordinaries every night, Noonings, and intermealiary Lunchings, At freedome every day, hold belly hold, The Cupboord never fhut. Crof. I underftand you not. Car. Nor mind me Lady ; Twill be better for you. You had a thin chin'd husband, plaid at Doublets with ye. And that perhaps, but twife or thrice a weeke, You are incapable of better Game, Here's one fhall hold me Tick tack night by night, And neither of us guilty of a Why-not, Shee's bred up to my hand, and knowes her play. Crof. Can you fo flight me .'' Car. Slight .-• I honour you. In caring for you to preferve your life. And your eftate, which I confeffe my felfe Unworthy of: befides I am ingag'd To doe a poore foule right for my iffues fake Shee goes withall. Crof. But fay on compofition fhee acquit you. Car. O but confcience is confcience. Crof. ric die or have him prefently. C-... you refufe me for a proftitute whore .'' Car. Take heed what you fay, i'le fhake your eflate. If A mad Couple well MatcJid. 93 If you dare call her whore 'fore witneffes. Crof. Call all the World to hear me Madam, Sir Anthony, and the reft, be all my witneffes ; Give me your hand fir, here before you all I plight my faith upon this Gentleman, He is my Husband, and I am his Wife. Thr. You are then undone. Crof. I care not fir, for your ill will : no more fhall hee. Car. Are you catch'd Widow } Futre, for Unkles now } Crof. Why anfwer you not me, in troth plight } Car. I doe, but yet I tell you againe confcience is confcience ; The Woman's not compounded with. Crof rie give her a brace of hundred pounds. Phe. The Woman will not take it. Wat. The Woman fhall take it, for now know fir, I love you not fo ill as to undoe you. This Woman has beene mine as much as yours, fhee has done as much with mee for Offices, and Service I have done for her, as fhee has done with you for Love and Money, let her deny't. Car. I have lately fufpe6led fo. Wat. And if her Friends will make her brace of hundreds a leafh i'le marry, and honeflifie her. La. Honeft JF^/in good earneft ! Gentlewoman with your hand give him your confent, and i'le fupply you with the od hundred pound, for Wats love to his Mafter. Thr. Will you.? La. Yes, and with your allowance ; it fliall be in lieu of the hundred I tooke in Commodity of her Kinfwoman Miftris Saleware, which would never thrive with mee (as it may properly with them) as 'twas the price of luft you know it was, and how untowardly things have chanc'd amongfb us 94 -^ mad Couple well Match' d. us fince it was fo ; And now that I have dedin'd it, you fhall fee how fweetly all will be reconcil'd. Thr. Doe as you pleafe. La. Goe get you to the Priefl prefently, and bring him hither for thy Mafter, Waf. Exit Wat. Phe. Enter Lord Lovely, Old Bellamy, Saveall, Salezvare, Alicia. Lov. Madam you fent for mee, though I had former caufe to require a conference with you. La. My caufe my Lord, is almoft ended among our felves. Pray let your former therefore be de- termin'd firft, your Lordfhip may be pleas'd to fit. Lo. I defire firft by good Sir Anthony's patience, Madam a word with you in abfence of all the reft, except this Gentlewoman. Thr. With all refpecSl my Lord. La. No you fliall ftay, and all the reft, fpeake openly my Lord, I doe befeech you. Lo. My modefty forbids. La. rie fpeake it for you then ; Good my Lord fit judge. This Woman comes to accufe mc of in- continency with your fervant Bellamy, is it not fo.? Old Bel. I marry dos fhee Madam to make her word good to my Lord that he would have lien with her too ; And fayes that Bellamy affirm'd to her that he did, I mary did he with your Ladifhip. La. Ha, ha, ha, I have a Nephew here affirm'd as much. Enter Wat wJiifpers. Car. I am forry I faid fo much, 'twas but my fufpition in the dayes of my wickedneffe, I am honefl: now, and can thinke no fuch matter O is the parfon come Exit Ca. Crof. Wat. Thr. A 7nad Couple well Matclid. 95 TJir. I feare I fhall be wretched. Sav. You are wretched in your feare, note your Wifes confidence ; Can Guilt looke with that Face ? Lov. I underftand that Bellatny is in your houfe. La. Forth comming my good Lord. Good Mafter Bellamy, fetch your Nephew, you'l finde him in my Chamber. Exit. Fitz. And in this refpe6lyou fhall give me leave My Lord to call your honour into queftion. Lov. Y'are very round with mee Mr. Fitzgerrard, What is your queftion .■' Fitz. Where is my Sifter Antie} Lov. Aske you mee .'* Fitz. Yes, and in honour y'are to anfwer me, It is too evident, your courtfhip wonne Her Virgin honour. Lov. Then I forc'd her not. Fitz. The blame of that lay therefore on her felfe. That loffe I feeke not after : but I aske Her life and being (if fhee live or be) Of you my Lord, fmce it is manifeft, Shee left her friends, and Country fliortly after Her folly had betrayd her into fhame. To be at your difpofe, as we prefume She is fmce in her two yeares abfence ; we Have fought all other wayes in vaine ; you fhall Do therefore well my Lord to render her. Or give me leave to urge you t'an accompt Of what's become of her. Lov. You cannot fure Compell mee fir. Fitz. To hazard of my life I will my Lord. Lov. That fliee is loft I am grieved ; But for your ftout demand i'le anfwer you at Weapons, time and place convenient. Enter 96 A mad Couple well Matched. Enter Old Bellamy, and Bellamy in a Womafis habit, Clofet. Old Bel. rie end your difference Cofen Fitz- gerrard, here is your Sifter Amie my Lord, here is your fervant Bellamy whom I preferr'd to you as my Nephew, to be a Go-betwixt you and Miflreffes, which quality I now abhorre, as I could wifh your Lordfhip would leave- Wenching for this incon- ftant Womans fake that would be proftitute unto your fervant. 'Twas a flat bargaine, and but a flat one, but for the non-performance her husband may thanke their party of Sex, not his wifes want of defire. Sal. Nere the fooner for a hafty word I hope. Old Bel. What further end fhee had to ferve your Lordfhip fhe may relate her felfe. Bel Loft to my felfe, and friends being made unfit In any other Region to appeare, And more unable to live other where ; Then in the prefence of my loved Lord (Although not as my felfe) I did affume That Mafculine boldneffe, fo to let you know My Lord, that I more fully could fubfift By the meere fight of you, and fo containe My felfe, then fhe your more refpe6led Miftris Could in the rich and plcntifuU enjoyments Of your moft reall, and effcntiall favours. Lov. Sweet let us fpeake afide. Sal. What ayles my Friend } is not all this now but a plot to make me jealous } A I. I am difcover'd and undone. chafes. Sql. Ncre the fooner for a hafly word I hope Friend : Come leave your waggery, is not all this but a plot now to make me jealous } La. Your Plot good Miftris Saleware would not hold. Sal. A mad Couple well Matrk'd. 97 Sal. Nor Ihall it hold good Madam, I cannot be jealous. Sapientia mea mihi. La. Yet the young Gentleman (fuch as you fee he is) has lien with mee of old, before I was married ; doe not looke fo difmaydly, I will not dete6l you with my husband for a hundred pound — Sal. Nor will I be jealous for a thoufand Madam, your plot's too weake Facks, but where's my injur'd Kinfwoman, Madam ? La. O PJiebe Gimcrack ! fhee is by this time righted, that is Married. Sa. Sapientia tnea mihi, agen then for that, that was my plot, and it held Madam. Lov. My deare, deare Amie, and my Bellamy, I doe commend your vow of future chaftity, Vowing the fame my felfe, and here before Your Brother, and thefe friends to help youi: marriage I freely give you two hundred pounds a yeare During your life. Sav. Now doe you note the efifefl of all Sir Anthony } Thr. I doe with my much joy. Lov. And Miftris Saleware, for your falfehood (Which I forgive, becaufe you are a Woman) I quit familiarity with you, and advife you To love your husband, giving him no caufe Of feare or jealoufy. AH. Your Lordfhip councells well. Sal Hang feares and jealoufies, I would there were no greater in the Kingdome, then in Tom Salewares Coxcombe ; But by your favour friend, we will be friends no more, but loving man and wife henceforward. Ali. That fhall be as you pleafe. Mujick. Enter Careleffe, Crojlill, Wat, Phebe. La. See new Married couples, pleafe your Lord- H Ihip 98 A mad Couple well MatcJid. fhip to take notice ? Lov. Salutes the Brides. Car. Unkle and Madam, I am come to call you to my houfe to Dinner, and your Lordfhip if you pleafe, and all the reft here, I want one, my Rivall Bellamy, where is he ? wee'l be all friends to day ; and at night fweete heart, at night, at night, at night Wee'l get the Boy that fhall become a Knight. Crof. You promife luftily. Wat. And PJiebe if thou beefl not better pro- vided already, if I get not thee with Squire, let me turne clown. Car. But where's this Bellamy, what new Ladies that t Old Bel. This new Lady fir, is that Bellamy you inquire for. Sav. The fame Gentleman that you accus'd your Aunt with. Clo. That I confeffe had line with her. Car. Ha, is't fo ifaith } and (now I thinke on't) introth I thought fo ; would I have tax'd her thinke you, but with a Woman .■' pray Mr. Bellamy let me falute your lips, and good Unkle now wee are Neighbours, and both good Houfe-keepers, let us not be ftrangers to one another. Tlir. Well fir, as I fliall finde you by your wifes report I fliall be ftill your Unkle. Car. I fhall be his heire in fpight o' the Devill, and all his workes and mine. Lov. Come Madam, I finde here's Mufick, let's leade the Brides a Dance to ftirre their appetites to Dinner. Datmce. Car. And now my Lord to grace our Wedding feaft. As you in honour are the greateft Gueft You have full power to welcome all the reft. FINIS. EPILOGUE. WEll ! had you Mirth enough ? much good maft doe you, If not, 'tis more then I did pro^nife to you. 'Tis your own fault, for it is you, not wee Make a Play good or bad ; and if this be Not anfwerable to your expectation Yee are the free-borne People of this Nation, And have tJie power to cenfure Worth and Wit, But wee mufi fuffer for what you commit. Yet wee' re refolv'd to beare your gentle Hands, And if you will tie us in any Bands, Let us be bound to ferve you, and tJuxfs thus, To tell you truth, as long as you ferve us. H 2 THE THE NOVELLA, C M E D I E, Acted at the Black-Friers, by his Majesties Servants, Anno, 1632. WRITTEN By Richard Brome. Mart. Hie totus volo rideat Libellus. L O N D ON. Printed for Richard M a r r i o t , and T H o. D R I N G, and are to be fold at their Shops in Fleet-Jlrcet, 1653. The Perfons of the Play. P Antaloni ) „ ^ Fabritio, Sonne to P antaloni. Pifo, His Friend. Franci/co, Lover of Flavia. Horatio, Was Friend Nicolo, Servant to Pantaloni. Vi£loria — The Novella. Jacconetta, Servant to Victoria. Flavia, Daughter to Gitadagni. Paulo, — By-named Biirgio. Swatzcnburgh. Cheqinno, i t- t Profperoy'^''' Lawyers. Pedler, Woman. Zaffi, an Officer. The Sceane Venice. * VOL. I. H PRO- PROLOGUE. SHonld I not fpeake a Prologue, and appear e hi a JlarcJid for mall Beard and Cloake, I fear e, Some of tills A uditory wo*uld be vext, And fay this is a Sermon without a Text. Some thinke it fo cffentiall, that they fay Nor foole, nor Prologue, there can be no Play. Our Author s unprovided, and doth vow, What ere I fay mufl fland for Prologue now ; Then have at wit for once, why maynt I be Jnfpird with wit, a7id foice extempore ? But firfl Tie tell you, that I had commiffion From him to tell you that Jiee I not petition To be dubUd Poet, for he holds it fit. That nought fliould make a man a wit, but wit, Hee'll 'bide his triall, and fubmits his caufe To you the Jury, fo yoii I judge by Lawes. If Pride or Ignorance fliould rule, he f cares A n unfaire try all, 'caufe not tryd bfs P ceres. Faith be your f elves awhile, and pafs your vote On what you underfland, and doe not dote On things 'bove nature or intelligence ; All we pretend to is but Mirth and Scnce, And he that lookes for more, mufl ee'ne goe.fceke Tliofe Poet-Bownces that write Englifli Greeke. (^ur Author aims only to gaine your laugh terP Which if you won't, hee I laugh at you hereafter. THE THE NOVELLA ACT I. SCENE I. Enter Pifo, Fabritio. Pi-Z^^Ome, I protefl i'le have you home againe, V..^And tell all to your Father, if you goe not More chearfully on about this bufineffe. Fab. O Pi/o ! deareft (deareft ?) only Friend, That Name of Father tis, that checks my blood, And ftrikes a filiall Reverence through my Soule ; Layes load upon my loynes, clogging my fteps, And like an armed A Jige II \w dimes me back. Pi. So, fo, he runs away to proper purpofe That beares his Hue and Cry in's confcience. Fab. It is not yet day-light : night will conceale My fecret purpofes. I will returne. Pi. Do fo : and damne thee blacker then the night. Thee and thy Father too for company Expreffe your filiall Reverence fo, doe fo. Fab. Deare Pi/o peace. Pi. Peace fond Fabritio. Doft thou not fly from him to fave his Soule ? His io6 The Novella. His and thine own to boot ? will not thy flay (Stay not to anfwer me !) ruine your Family ; Cut off all hope of Blcjfmg, if not Being- Of your Pofterity ? and all this by obaying A wilfuU Father in a lawleffe Marriage ; More fatall (I forefee't) then ere our State Of Venice yet produc'd example for. Fab. O now thou tear'ft my very bowells Pifo, Should I confent (as I dare not deny My over-hafty Father) to this match, I fhould fubmit my felfe the moft perfidious, That ever fhadow'd Treachery with Love. No, my Victoria, fooner fhall this fleele Remove thy hindrance from a fecond choyce, Then I give word or thought, but to be thine. Pi. Why flie we not to Rome then, where you left her, And fliun the danger of your Fathers Plot, Which would not only force you break your Faith With chaft Victoria, but to wed another, Whofe faith is given already to another .-' Double damnation ! 'Twere a way indeed To make your children baftards o' both fides. Fab. Can there no way be found to fhun the danger Of this fo haftily intended Marriage, But by my flight, and the moft certaine loffe Of mine inheritance .'' Pi. That would be thought on. Fab. Stay ; who comes here .'' Mufick, and divers Gentlemen pajje to and fro with lights, at lajl Enter Pantaloni, lighted by Nicolo, with darke Laiithorns. Pi. Some Night-walkers, that throw Balls at their Miftrcffcs, well of all Citties Under the univerfall raigne of venery, This is the civill'ft ! in what fweet tranquillity, The The Novella. 107 The fubjefts pafle by and falute each other ! Stay, what grave beaft, what reverend Gib is that ? (I'th' name of darkneffe) dropt out of a gutter ? O age what art thou come to ! Fab. Pray forbeare. Pi. Looke there Fabritio, Venus can it be ? Fab. Come y'are deceav'd. Pi. Nay now I know I am not, For by that little loving glimpfe of light That leads him on, Fabritio, tis thy Father. Fab. I pray thee peace. Pi. What will this City come to ? A y^ung man fhall not fliortly venture to A vaulting Schoole for feare he jumpe in the Same fadle with his Father, to the danger Of his old bones. Enter Francifco, and Horatio. Stay here comes more. This is Some fpeciall haunt ! fure tis the habitation Of the Novella lately come to Town, Which drawes the admiration of all The Rampant Gallantry about the City ! Fab. They fay Ihee's yet a Virgine. Pi. And is like So to continue, ftill fhee prove ftale fifh, At the rate fhee's ftamp'd for : for fhe has fet Such a large price upon her new nothing. That Venery and Prodigality are at ods About her, it feemes thy Father could not bargaine. Fab. Fie ! 'twas not he. Pi. Not hee ! peace and ftand clofe, Fran. Is fiiee fo rare a Creature, this Novella ? Ho. Rare .-' above excellent (man) it is unpofiible For a Painter to flatter her, or a Poet to bcly her In ayming to augment her beauty : For I io8 The Novella. I faw her that can judge ; Pi. Now if a man Were to unkennell the handfomeft fhee Fox In Venice, let him follow thefe doggs. Sure Shee is earth'd hereabouts. They have the fent. Fran. You have not feene her often ? Hor. Onely thrice. At Church, That's once for every day, that fhee Has beautified this City. Pi. What rare helpe May this be to devotion, that he fpeaks of ! Fran. And all this Beauty, and this feeming vertue Offer'd to fale .? Pi. I thought 'twas fuch a peece. Hor. Thence only fprings the knowledge of her worth Marke but the price fhee's cry'd at : two thoufand Duccats For her Maydenhead, and one moneths fociety. Pi. What a way, now, would that money reach In Buttock-beefe. Hor. Shee is indeed for beauty, Perfon, and Price, fit onely for a Prince : I cannot thinke a leffe man then the Duke Himfelfe muft beare her ; and indeed 'twere pitty That fhee fhould fmne at leffe advantage. Fra?i. Why do we then make way to vifit her By our expence in Mufick ? Pi. A wary whore-mafter : I like him well : A penneyworth for a penny would be look'd for. Hor. Why Francifco ? Why .'' Pi. Francifco ! is it hee .'' Hor. Although her price be fuch to be fold for In ready money, fhee is yet allow'd To give herfelfe for love if fliee be pleas'd. Who knowes how well fhee may affe6l a man (As The Novella. 109 (As here and there a Woman may by chance) Onely for vertiie} That's worth our adventure, But I wifh rather we could purchace her At the fet price betwixt us for a twelvemonth Our friendfliip fhould not fufifer us to grudge At one anothers good turnes. Pi. There's love in couples, What whelpes are thefe ? fure this Francifco is The late forfaken lover, betroth'd to Flavia Whom now thy Father would fo violently Force thee to marry. Fab. Would he had her Pifo. Pi. O here they pitch, fland clofe, wee'l heare their Mufick. Song. Hor. Come fad Francifco, wee'l tomorrow fee This Miracle of nature, whofe meere fight Will wipe away the injury thou fufferd'ft In Flavia, and make thee quite forget her. Pi. Tis he, and I will fpeake to him. Hor. Good forbeare. Pi. Francifco muft not fo forget his Flavia. Hor, What are you .-' Pi. Men, that would have you be fo, And not to wanton out your holy vowes Drawes. Dancing your felfes to th'Devill. Fran. What doe you meane .'' Pi. I meane, Francifco, you too much forget The love you bore to Flavia, fhee to you. Hor. Shee has forfaken him, and is bcftow'd (Forc'd by the torrent of her fathers will) On young Fabritio, Pantalonics Sonne. Pi. Here ftands the man denies it, fpeake Fabritio. Fab. Not that I undervalue Flavins worth. But not to violate her faith by breach Of 1 1 o The Novella. Of mine, were all this figniory her dowry (Here is my hand Francifco,) i'le not wed her. Fran. I muft embrace you fir. Hor. And Gentlemen, My Lodging is not farre, pleafe you retire. And there repofe your felfes, untill the light That now is near at hand, fhall point you forth A way to future comfort ; you fhall finde Good wine and welcome, pleafe you to accept it. Pi. Your offer fir is large: yet let me aske If we may reft fecureh^ for a day ; Lurke clofe and private, till the appointed houre For this forc'd Marriage be over-flipp'd, In cafe that our neceffity may require it ? Hor. I underftand you. Take mine honor of it. Pi. Be cheard Fabritio, thou flialt not to Rome, We may prevent thy danger nearer home. Now night we thanke, and follow thee away (As being thy fervants) from th' approach day. Hor. You conclude well, lovers and fprights are Night-walkers, warn'd away by th'morning Starre. Ex. ACT I. SCENE I I. Enter Gnadagni in his Study. A Taper, Baggs, Books, &c. 6'««."\ ^ 7Iiileft yet the Leaden finger'd god of VV flcepe Keeps clofe the eye-lids of phanta flick /. Enter Flavia, and AJlntta above. Fla. Our haft and feares could not find time to dreff him But I have lock'd him up into that preffe. AJl. Your Father's coming up to feek a writing, Pray Love it be not there. Fla. I am undone then. AJl. Well hold you peace, looke bold and chear- fully. And be you filent, youth : nor cough, nor ftink ; Nor let your feare run forth in ftreams of urine To make him thinke his Aqua vitce fpilt. Gua. Where are you Flavia ? Within. Fla. The Novella. 1 5 1 Fla. O me he comes ! AJl. Why fpeake you not ? Gua. Flavia. AJl. You were beft betray all with your fillineffe. Gua. Why Flavia I fay ? AJl. Here father, here fir, You will not I fhall anfwer for you when hee's here ? Come, look as nothing were, all will be nought elfe. Beare up hee comes. Enter Guadagni above. Gua. Tis here that I would have thee Flavia. Give me the Key of this preffe here. Fla. O Father, Father Slice Jails. Gua. What's the matter } ha ! AJl. Alas poore heart ! you know fir, in her in- You beat her once for lofing of a Key : (fancy, For which fhee trembles ftill, being ask'd in haft. Are you a child ftill in your feares, and muft Be wed to morrow } Fy, fy upon you, Shee thinks fhee has loft it, but I faw her look it Togither with a writing which you dropt Out of this preffe this morning, fafe enough Here in her Cabinet. Gua. Tis like I let it fall. AJl. Where is your Key of this .^ Give mee't, give mee't. How haft and feare perplexes her ! I could Have pickt it open. Gua. Doe, or break it open. {Shee lets the AJl. Ay me the fruits of rafhnes .? See, {Cabinet tis fallen {Jail out oj the With all her Jewells and your writing too ( Window. Into the ftreet. O my unlucky hand ! Gua. Peace giddy headed harlot, watch that none Take it away, while I runne to recover't, Nanulo, Najiulo. Exit. AJl. Will you be nimble yet to finde a way " VOL. I. L 4 By 152 The Novella. By the back-dore into the Gondalo. While I lock him and's man. into the ftreet ? I know their haft will leave the Keyes i'th'dore. Quickly unpreffe him ; and take as much gold As you can carry, i'le along wy'e too. Stay not to think, or thank me for my wit. Fla. What fhall we fay .? AJl. Do as you are bidden, and fay nothing. Fra. Lovers fhall faint thee ; and this day fhall be For ever callenderd to Love and thee. Exit. Enter a Zaffie, taking up the Cabinet, to Jiim Nicola in a Zaffics habit. Gjia. Nanulo ! The Key to let me forth. Within. Zaff. St. Alarke diVid fortune make it a good prize. Nic. Hands off Sir, that's not yours. Zaff. Nor yours I am fure. Nic. Halfe part then brother Zaffi. Gua. The Key I faw. Zaff. Sir you are none oth' Zaffi. Giia. Villaine, flave ! come open the dore. Zaff. How came you by this habit .■* Nic. Perhaps to trie fir how it will become me When I have a mindc to be as very a Knave In office as your fclfe. But fliall we (lip Afide, and fhare, before the dog that ownes it Take the bone from us both } Enter Guadagni, Nannlo. Gua. I fcare you can be quicker in my abfence. Na}i. The fault was in your haft fir. Giia. Took you not up a Cabinet, friends .'' Nic. Zaff. Not we fir, wc faw none. Gna. O you watch well above there. Natl. This fellow has it ui^er his coat fir. Zaff. But who fhall know't for yours fir } Nic. May we be bold to aake what marks it has, Or what's within it .'' Gna. The Novella. 153 Gua. rie have you car-mark'd Villaines for your Know you not me ? (theft, Zajf. I cry your worfhip mercy, and am glad I was your inflirument to preferve this treafure From this falfe counterfet. Nic. Fortune has fent my maftcr to relieve me. Efiter Pantaloniy Checquino, Profpcro. Pan. Signior Guadagni our Councell have thought fit, For better confirmation of our a6l. That it be paft here in your Daughters prefence Together with my Son, whom I have fent for, Why doe you feeme thus mov'd ? Gua. An accident hath croft me. Look you fir, You have authority ; Here's a Counterfet (Deferves examination) would have rob'd me. Nic. I fav'd you fir from being rob'd. Heare . me afide Sir Nicolo whifpers Pant. Gua. Carry this in ; and fend away the woman. {He gives the Cabinet to Nan. who knocks at dore. Nic. Now do you know me, I have done the feat. Pan. Haft treated with the Hangman Nicolo ^ Nic. The Carnifex is fitted for your fervice, In a moft gorgeous habit of a Dutchman, And about five i'th' evening will be with her. Na}i. AJlutta ! Madona Flavia ! Ajhitta ! Gua. What's the matter there } Pan. The beft jeft, ha, ha, ha. Nan. You'l open the dore .'' Gua. What's that } Pan. It will be mirtli to morrow at our feaft To laugh our bellies full. Nan. I am fure you heare me Foole me, but not my mafter : he is here. Gua. Why ftay you there firrah } Pan. I let him goe : a merry harmleffe fellow. ric 154 The Novella. rie anfwer for him. Hence, away, and fhift you, And quickly fend my Son. Exit. Nic. Nan. The dore is faft fir, and they will not heare mee. Giia. I feare I am undone. Flavia, AJIutta, hoe ! Tis fo, tis fo, fome Robbers are flipt in, And now make havock of my goods and Daughter. Pan. It is no dallying. Run and fetch a Smith To force the Lock. {Ex. Nan. Gua. AJIutta, Flavia ! O this curfed chance I feare will ruine me and all my hopes. Enter Pedlcr woman. How came you hither } Pcd. Sir by good appointment To bring Bricle-laces, Gloves, and curious Dre(Tings To deck your Daughter on her Brideale-day, To morrow as I weene, holds it I pray } Gua. Were you not here before, and in the houfe .■* Ped. If you could put it off fir one day longer I could fo fit her with new fafliiond tires That fhee fhould thanke me. Gua. I fear a new, and further fecrct mifchief Nan. Hence let me fall to earth ; I {Nannlo may not fee above. My Mafters fury rife out of his ruine. Gua. How gotft thou thither } Nan. By the back-dorc which 1 found widely O fir your Daughter (open. Gua. Ravifh'd or murderd is fliee .'' Nan. Worfe, worfe, by far fir, flice is conveyd hence. The Neighbours from the windowes o'rc the way Saw her, the Mayd, and a young Man take boat. They gueffe it was Francifco. Pan. How, how, how ! Nan. Loaden with Caskets fir. Here's his Dcceptio vi/us, The The Novella. 1 5 5 The curfed cloak, that charm'd my honeft care ; {Nan. JJiows the habit, the cord, &c. And here's his jugling Box. What toyes are thefe ! Gua. O me accurfed wretch. Enter Nicolo. Nic. O fir, your Sonne ! Pan. Where is he .'' fpeake. Nic. Sir, no where to be found In private let me tell you, he flipt forth At four i'th' Morning ; fir, when you and I Were you knowwhere. He call; forth doubtfull words Of a vagary he would fetch at Rome. Pan. We both are wrought upon by helliOi Magick. Gua. Devills are in this plot. Chec. Prof. Thinke you of Devills .'' Pan. Though you firs, being Lawyers, think there's none We may both thinke there are, and fear 'em. Chec. Forbear fuch talke ; and think upon the mirth, The jefl you have in hand againfl to morrow. Pa7i. Sir, ufe your jerks and quillets at the bar. Gua. Caft there your petulant wit on mifery. Chec. Sir, you miftake, my counfell is to comfort, Be not dejefted, but feeke fpeedy way To circumvent the wit has wrought upon you. Gua. Good fir, your beft advife. Clue. Firft charge this officer Here, with this woman ; who by'examination May make difcovery Ped. I can difcover nothing but my ware fir, Nor part with that for leffc then ready money. Pan. Take her to cuftody. Zaff. Mifbris come with me. Ped. Whither.? for what .? Zaff. You fhall know that hereafter. Ped. 156 The Novella. Fed. What can I difcover ? Pan. Away with her. Ped. What can I difcover ? Exit Zaff. Ped. Chec. Into your houfe fir now, and fecure that ; Come, recolle6l your felfes, call home the ftrength Of your approved judgements, wee'I afTift you. Prof. You muft be foddaine too in this your purfuit ; Advife and do at once, ufe no delay ; {Om. The fpeedieft courfe is now the fafeft way. Exeunt ACT IV. SCENE II. Fabritio like the glorious Diitehmafi, Horatio, Pifo. Fab. I "'Ound you the Fort, then, fo impregnable .-* X~^ Hor. Againft all force of armes, or braines. Pi. No w'ay but by the down-right compofition Of the two thoufand Duccats to be enter'd. Fab. Sure tis fome noble wench then you imagine. But my difguife fhall put her to the teft. {J^iiP- Hor. I'm fure fhe jeerd me out of my Monfieur- Fab. Did fhe, and all thy fine French qualities .-* Pif. And is as like to make a skitter brooke Of you in your Dutch flops. For if fhe be not, After all this, a cunning whore, i'mc couzen'd. Hor. Shee lives at a good rate how ere maintaind. Pi. The fccrct way, man, by her commings in Too common among women for their livings, rie not believe her wit and feature are Allycd to honefty. Fab. Thou art no worfhipper of faire women Pi. No, If I worfhip any of 'hem more {Pifo. Then The Novella. 157 Then in the Knee-trick, that is neceffary In their true ufe let me be eunuchiz'cl. Looke here's your fathers Pimpe againe. Hor. Now Nicolo ? A^ic. Saw you my young Mafter Gentlemen ? Hor. Yes, there he ftands, tranflated out of fober Italian into high Dutch. Nic. I fweare he was paft my reading, Slight, he appeares as like the noted Almaine Late come to town, if he had but his beard Fab. How like you this for a beard ? Nic. Moft excellent ! But pray take heed your ftay fpoyle not the purpofe Of your difguife. Fab. Why what news Nicolo ? Nic. Your Father is in bufy queft of you. Fab. Then he dos miffe me .-* N'ic. Pray PJiaibiis he miffe as much of Madneffe, He and his vertuous brother old Guadagni, Who miffes too his Daughter. Francifco has her. Hor. Has he got her off.'' Nic. And fliee has got him on by this time : they Are filly fooles elfe. Pi. Hymejt be their fpeed. Hor. But how I pray thee fcap'd they .'' N'ic. Firft, fir, know There's a ftrange fellow without defires to fpeakc w'yee I gueffe hee is fojne Bravo. Hor. A Bravo fpeake with me .-' Nic. Yes, and inquires here for my Mafter too, And Signior Pi/o, you are all known it feemes. Pi. Come leave your fooling. Nic. By mine Eares tis true. Hor. Goe call him in, I feare no Knavery. Pi. Your lodging protc6ls me. Fab. My difguife me. Puts on his fa If e beard. Enter 1S8 The Novella. Enter Nicolo, Paulo. Nic. This is the Gentleman. Pi. Tis the proud Braches whiske ! Pau. I cry you mercy fir, are you Signior Horatio} I tooke you fir this morning for a Monfieur. I thanke you for my Duccatoun. Hor. What ! Is fhee come about ? Has fliee fent for mee ? (fir, Pau. Good fir ! are you here too ? I thank you You payd me your entrance, but no parting fee. Pi. Prithee deferve no beating till thou haft done Thy errand. What doft come for } Pau. Sir, to intreat this Gentleman to bring With him one Signior Pijo, and Fabritio Beyond my hopes ! Good fir, are you here too .-' Fab. This is a Devill ! could he know me elfe That nere faw him before ; in this difguife } Pau. Cry'mercy fir : you would not thefe fhould know Nor fliall they (I feare it not) but hark you fir. Nic. What Familiars thefe Bawds are. They'l talke yee Thus to Lords in private. Pi. Sure he takes him for the Dutch loggerhead We faw to day in the Piazzo. Hor. So would any man : Hee has hit his fhape fo right. (you Pau. I am fure I rejoyce in thefe Dollors, that Give me to day, and are as certaine, that My Miftris wifli'd a better dinner for you For frighting of the Spaniard with your fireworks. But, by your ftrangcrs it fecmes you repent The Marriage offer that you made my Miftres. Fortune dire6l you to no worfe a wife, And fo I leave you to your choyce. Fab. I have found the error, and will make good ufc on't. Hor. The Novella. 159 Hor. Your bufineffe then is to that ftrangers fi r- Paii. Only your felfe, and briefly from Francifco. Hor. Francifco ! where ? Pa2i. Where but at our houfe fir ? he and his J^ride Craving your company and thofe Gentlemen I nam'd unto you. Pau. For no difparagement unto their worths, fir, But private reafons yet unknown to me Wherein you fhall be fatisfied at your comming. Hor. But are they Married ? Pau. I brought the Pried to'em ; And faw them lawfully coupled, and before Sufficient witneffes, that faw 'em chamberd, Shee was his own Church-fure before I left'em, And he has made her Cock-fure, fir by this time, Or elfe he is a Bungler. Hor. Goe i'le follow thee. Pifo is here. Pau. But where is that Fabritio } Pi. Wee'l finde him too. Jog you fir on before : You are no ftreet companion for us. Pau. I am gone fir Exit. Hor. You have heard all Fabritio ; what dee thinke on't } Fab. Nothing ; nor nothing will till I arrive There at the full knowledge of all together. Pi. But prithee hang thy Hangmans proje6l now, And beare us company in thine own fliape. Fab. Not for the price of the Novella Pifo, I'le try her to the quick. You'l give me leave To make prize of her if I can, I croft not you. Hor. We wifti you fafe aboard fir. Fab. On before then. Exit Hor. Pifo. Now Nicolo ; your difguifc againe oth Zaffi. Nic. O, it is ready ; and I know my quue. Fab, i6o The Novella. Fab. Who fee me, in this ftraine, feeme to outftrip The bounds of filiall duty, let (withall) Their obfervation, by my juft ends, gather, Tis not to lofe, but to recall a father. ACT V. SCENE I. Victoria, Francifco, Flavia, AJlutta, Jacconetta. Vic. XT Ow Lady, has your entertainment pleas'd i\| you In the Novellas houfe ? is all well yet ? Fla. So well, that now come Father, Friends, and all The friendly Foes that did oppofe my bliffe I can maintaine my caufe in thefe fafe armes 'Gainfl all their Frownes and Furies. Vic. And your Miftris is over, too, I hope fir The place is not fo dangerous as it was. Fra. Lady your nobleneffe fhown in this great bounty. Hath not alone wip'd off my foule fufpition : But fcor'd upon my breaft an endleffc fumme Of thanks ; which I, unable to difcharge, Muft not prefume to live, but as your Creature ; Nor will I further dare to tempt your goodneffe In deeper fcarch of what your rcafon was (Paft all my hopes and wifhes) to provide For me ; I will not fum in fuch a fcruple : For fure, I hold you for a power Divine (Paft all the fi6lions of the fabulous times Fafhioning out the Gods in earthly formes) Sent by the highefl providence to helpe me. Vic. You take too deepe a fenfe of curtcfie ! But fee, are thefe your friends .-' Enter The Novella. 1 6 1 Ejiter Paulo, with Horatio, and Pifo. Fra. And let me beg Your fufifrage Lady, I may bid them welcome. Vic. Your Bride and I will both fupply you in it. Neither of thefe is he they call Fabritio t Pail. No, but hee's fent for ; and comes inftantly. {Exit. Fra. This is the Lady I am bound to ferve. Hor. And I to honour. Vic. Setting afide your fuit fir, Hor. I cannot promife that. Ui^. And I doe wifh I had her double price in ready Buccals, For what fhe has done, and tother doe befides. Vic. You ftill fhand in your good conceit of me. Pi. Yes, and I would fo ftand to't, ha Vic. You are a merry Gentleman. Fra. I will not whifper it, Horatio, The woman that I dealt with for difguife Was wrought before by this moft matchleffe Lady To croffe the Match twixt Flavia and Fabritio ; And had undone it though I had done nothing, And ere flie would condition with me, Oblig'd me, by an oath, (in cafe we fcap'd) To bring her hither to this Ladies houfe. I kept that oath, and here you find us welcom'd. Pi. Then thou haft done't, would 1 had ftill the Duccats To pledge thee here. Enter Paulo, whifpers with Vi6loria. Vic. Wee'l talke of that hereafter. Pi. What aded you, Tit, in this Comedy } AJi. The Chambermayde, a kind of putter for- wards. Sir, to the bufineffe. Fra. Shcc has done fo well, That, if a Match in Venice may be found M By 1 62 The Novella. By my beft care, i'le helpe her to a Husband, For fhee deferves a good one. AJl. And if he prove not fo, I am Hke to prove A good one my felfe, and make him fon;ething. Pi. Thou wilt, I find it in a villanous caft Of that eye there. Hor. And what thinke you of this .'' By Jacco- Pi. Even fuch another, of another hue, \nctta. Shee has a devihfh gloat too. Vic. Gallants, I find you merry, y'are more welcome : My man acquaints me with a prefent bufmeffe Requiring privacy. Pleafe you, with your friends Goe up to the Bride-chamber, There is mufick, Waite you refpe6lively. To Jac. Hor. Wee'l all obferve you Lady. Exeunt. Pi. But Lady, if you receive the Duccats Before you come to us, pray bring our fhares, Wee all connive you know. Vic. Pray be not jealous. Follow your Friends, i'le follow you ftreight way. (^Ex. Pi. How dreames he of this money .'' he knows nothing, An Englifh Faftor, fay you Borgia ? Pail. Yes Miftris, a brave fellow. Vic. And is he fo well money'd as to fpare Out of his Mafters truft fo great a fumme .-• Pau. Oh hee's a maflcr here himfelfe. They are Abroad, the royallft Nation of the World. What rich Venetian Rarity has not The Englifh Money-maflers purchac'd from Princes and States, to beare home as their triumphs ? And for their pleafures but i'le fay no more ; Hee thinks I ftay too long for him to wait Without, with fo much money. Vic. Didft thou fee't .? Pau. Moft brightly fhining ! Hec's now telling it In The Novella. 163 In the next roome ! He comes not to tender The value of it in fine qualities Like your fuppos'd Monfieur: but in cafh ! Cafh ! cafh of Gold ! Oh tis a tempting fight ; Able to damne a Noble womans honour. (tion : What's your defcent ? But poore I make no quef- Why, this will fet you up and make you noble. Vic. This way of his might ferve to turn the blood That has but any tin6lure of good in it From touching fuch a bait, yet he thinks now He fpurres me to it. But Bravo I will fit you. Goe call him in goe. Pau. Now my Blood and Braine, Be ftrong and fodaine, ftay, Vic. Why ftop you Borgio } Pan. To fee him weigh his gold. Oh dainty fight ! He brought his weights in's pocket : juft Gentleman He will be fure you fhall not want a graine Of your full price of fweet damnation. Vic. Hee's doing no fuch thing. Pan. No, no, I have it now. Vic. I pray thee goe, thou knowfl not how the thought Of fo much gold, and the conceit o'th' Maydenhead Loft i' the houfe to day fets my virginity On edge now to be a going. Pau. Are you fo ready .-' then I fly. Enter above, Pifo, Horatio. Vic. What ayles the fellow troe ! Pi. I muft yet have an eye upon this female To quit my jealoufy, or catch her i'th' nick. Hor. Here we may fee, andheare all undifcover'd. Pi. Watch clofe, he comes. Enter Swatzcfibiirg, like a Merchant ivitha full Bagge. Swa. By your leave Lady, I come not a pure Sutor (With ftudyed Oratory ; nor addrcffc a Sonnet, M 2 Or 164 The Novella. Or trifling Love-toyes to perfwade admittance By flow degrees into your inmoft favour) But a rich purchacer, that brings, at once, The golden Summe, and Price of your enjoying. Here precious Beauty, made by this more precious ! Take your full due, and render readily The full tuition of my wealthy purchace. Vic. Now vertue guard me. Pi. What's that t Hor. Shee invokes vertue. Swa. Ha ! why this delay } Let not the glorious fight of this amaze you. Though it be granted, fodaine apprehenfion Of fuch bright blefflngs may tranfport a foule Into high raptures, when it is confiderd. The Ornament of youth, the ftrength of age, Lifes great maintainer, Lady, let not this At all tranfmute you. For i'le bring fupplies That fliall fo frequently acquaint you with Such flghts as thefe, that you fliall grow regardleffe Even of the care to keepe them, in refpe6l Of the delicious pleafure- brings them in : Delay not therefore that high purchac'd pleafure, That brings this to you, by a Minutes loffe To make it fully yours. Vic. Sir I have heard you. Enter Paulo bcJiijide with pijlolls. And now mufl let you know, tis not the fight Of that your glorious fumme can take my wonder ; Much leffe my love or perfon : my amazement Is, that a man, that beares his Makers fliape. Indued with reafon, to direft and governe That goodly fortune ; and has fuch treafure given him (Befides his greater bleffings of the mind By well defpofing of it) to advance This worth in deeds of vertue, fliould dcfcend Below The Novella. 165 Below the fenfe of Beafts, to part with that, Allotted for his livelyhood and honour To waft it, and himfelfe in beaftiall Luft. Swa. How's this ? Pi. I know not what to make o'this wench. Shee preaches me thinks. Vic. Befides fir were it well examin'd, The golden fumme you tender is, perhaps, None of your proper own : I underftand You are anothers Factor, I prefume In all your Catalogue of Merchandife You finde no warrant to buy Maydenheads. Is fuch a thing in all your bills of Lading } They are no way tranfportable, tho' you allow For fraught and leakage halfe the worth ; and leffe Returnable by way of exchange. How can You take up a virginity in Venice, And make a Z,f;/^^;/-payment of it, on Sight of your bill, or fix or ten dayes after t Pi. Good ! Swa. Nay then you dally with me, and I muft Deale plaine and briefly with you. Here's the price, And either render me my jufb demand, Or I fhall take for your difgrace an order Shall fpue you forth the City. Vic. Now I feare I am infnar'd. I have but one way left To fly from fhame, or fall to utter Ruine. Pi. I begin to fufpeft her honeft. Swa. Your anfwer Gentlewoman. Vic. Gentle flr. The Law hath made me yours. And I have now No Court but Confcience to relieve me in. Kneels. Swa. What may this mcane } Vic. If the ftrong paffion of a Virgin foule, Exprefl in bitterft teares, move not your pitty, M 3 This 1 66 The Novella. This fhall prevent your cruelty. A K?tife Pi. Shee'l prove honeft o' my life. Swa. What meane you Lady } Vic. Keepe at that diftance fir, and you fhall know : Come nearer, and I will not liv^e to tell you. Swa. Pray rife and fpeak your ftory : yet I tell you, I hold it very flrange, that fo much money And fuch a one as I (none of th'unhandfomft) Should not goe down with a young wench, and one Of the profeffion you pretend to be of Before cold Iron ! Me thinks moft unnaturall. Thinke better yet before you utter further. Vic. Indeed I may not. Swa. Well, well, on then. Vic. Tis true, I am indeed a meere pretender To the profeffion you fuppos'd me of; A fpotleffe Virgin (by my utmoft hopes) And will remaine fo till I am a Bride. Pi. Too honefl to be a woman ! Swa. Why tooke you this deceiving habit then .-* Vic. I am about to tell you for your pitty. I am a Romane borne, of good difcent ; My father noble (of the Ca?idiani) How ere decay'd in fortune, ere he dyed ; Which drew on my Misfortune : For, being be- troth'd Unto a wealthy heire, here, of this City, Who fojourn'd then in Rone, his covetous Father Ravifh'd his faith from me, to give't another ; And calld him haflily from Rome to Venice. I followd him, in hope to croffe the Match, And fo regaine him ; towards which already, I have done fomething. Pi. Fabritids wench my life on't. Swa. What in this habit, as a Curtezan ? Vic. The Novella. i ^-j Vic. Not without good advifc : For, by this meanes I draw the eyes of all the youthfull Gentry, Not without hope to gaine a fight of him. My price and port keepe back inferiour perfons. Nor lofe I honour by it : For the ftri6lnes Of our Italian cenfure gives a virgin, That held familiarity with any Man, By way of Marriage treaty, and then forfaken, Loft in repute ; fhee is no honefl woman Untill that man doe vindicate her honor. Swa. But fhould hee finde you here, what were his cenfure } Vic. Here he fliould find what his difloyalty Had wrought me to ; and fhould reltore me firme On my firfh bafis, or exchange a life For mine ere we would part. Swa. This founds yet well. Pau. rie truft thee now. Thou art a noble " wench. Thou hadft kifs'd Death by this elfe. Now i'le truft thee. Exit. Vic. If he were loft by Marriage of another, I would remove with fuch a teftimony Of my referved honour (in defpight Of this my outward carriage, for my ends ; Maugre the fterne conftruftion of my countrey) That ftrangers fhould receive me ; and fome one More noble then himfelfe Swa. Take you to wife .-• l^ic. I fliould not doubt. Swa. Tis done, and I am he that does it. Vic. I cannot fir, but kindly take your offer : But, if my firft love faile me, there is one, A noble German, that commenc'd his fuit To me this day. Swa. I am he too Lady — Looke well upon me " VOL. I. M 4 That 1 68 The Novella. That in this fhift, reducing of my beard, With this fupply of money came to try you, I finde you noble, and above it, honeft. Fi. This is the German that Fabritio apes. Hor. And he fhould come now. Enter Jacomo to thon above. Jac. Gentlemen forbeare ; Indeed it is not civill in you to pry beyond Your hofpitable ufage, pray forbeare. Hor. Tis timely chidden wench, we will obay thee. Jac. Befides the Bridegroome, and the Bride expeft you, {Hor. Fi. Fi. O ha they done, we come, we come. Exit Vic. This jealous tryall now of yours (how ere You have exprefb ftrong arguments of love) Has not augmented you in my affe6lion. Siva. O fay not fo fweete Lady, i'le redeeme it. Vic. I cannot yet believe you are the Man, You are fo chang'd from what you fecm'd to day, Muft the minde alter with the outward habit ? Enter Faiilo. Fan. Miftris the German Vic. Here he is man, he fayes. Fail. I fay he is without, and craves to fee you. Vic. How can this be .-* or who can I believe .■' Fan. Good fir depart and make loome for your felfe Your proper felfe to enter the Dutch Prince. Siva. I tell thee I am he, and here already, I am Swatsenberg. Fate. Yes in your tother beard fir. Hans Snortajijfart, are you not .-' well I can but warn you. If you will needs ftand to the taking off A mans good name from him before his face, Then take what followes, I will fetch him in Miftris The Novella. 1 69 Miftris, you were bed: be out of fight a while ; Your prefence with this ftranger may whet up his fury To cut all our throats elfe. Vic^ rie take your councell. Exit. Pan. For fir i'le tell you, if you had but feene How he worried a Spaniard to day, you would Have beene able at your returne to make As many of your Countreymen, as thrive By ferving of the States to laugh ifaith. Swa. I tell thee I am he ; 'twas I that chac'd The Spaniard hence. Pau. I tell you yet againe You were beft be gone before the He indeed Come in to chace you after him. Swa. rie ftand the hazard. Pail. See his impatience pulls him in already. Enter Fabritio in the Germans habit. Fab. Where is this Lady .'' Dos her beauty flie me ? Pa7i. Shee is at hand, but firft here is a ftranger, A moft ftrange ftranger that fayes he is you fir. Swa. Was oder wer bijtn ? Bijlii cin Deutfcher f Sag- mihr in was ort Du gelebjl Jiajl ? Fab. Who's this .? Swa. Ich dcnke du bijl ein heuchler ; bijlu aber ein Deutfcher Jo anwort mihr iJi dctitJcJier Jprach. Fab. Good lir fpeake in the proper language of The Nation we are in, though it come brokenly From you that this good fellow here may under- ftand us. Szva. Thou fon of impudence, and impofture, fpeake ; What is thy end in this .-' Fab. Thinke what thine owne muft be, thou fon of flandcr. Swa. Precious counterfeit ! But lyo The Novella. But I am weaponleffe, and muft fetch ftrength Of officers to right me. Exit. Fab. What dos your fliame remove you fir ? Pau. What can this Rafcall meane ? Swa. I care not honeft fellow, where's thy Miftris ? Good Angells guard me. Enter Victoria. Pail. Dos fhee fright you fir .'' Fab. I aske thee for thy Miftris, the Novella. Pail. What appeares fliee to you .'' Fab. Thou powerful! man in Magick, I will tell thee. Th' haft rays'd an apparition, that has damn'd thee Blacker, then thy black art ; nay hell it felfe. Pan. Bleffe us ! more madneffe yet ! Fab. The heavenly fpirit, that infpir'd this forme, (When the unworthy world enjoyd her being, Which thou haft conjur'd into this lewd habit) Has, at this inftant won the powers above To finke thee and thy forcerers. Pan. What may you meane .'* Here is no forcery, This woman's Flefh and Blood. Fab. I would not dare to try to be the Duke. Pan. You may depart, pray hinder not the houfe. Fab. Hadft thou but feen, as I have, one like her. And noted the divinity in her lookes (Although in thofe adulterate incitements Shcc fcemes to wear) flie would have ftruck tliy foule With fervent adoration, not bafe luft. Pau. I know not what to fay to 'him. Bell rings. Vic. See who rings. Exit Paiilo. What divine creature, fir, was that you mention'd } Fab. I dare to name her to thee, though thou be Her incens'd Ghoft, to worke me to defpaire. It was Vifloria, Vic. The Novella. 1 7 1 Vic. This founds moft ftrangely ! Have you beene at Rome fir ? Fab. 'Twas there I faw and lov'd her. Vic. Anfwer me pray fir, why could not this fall In your difcourfe to day, when I related My Life and Fortune to you ? why do you ftart ? I am no fhadow ; but fufpeft you rather. To be not as you feeme, the noble German That vowd me love, dos that too ftartle you ? See fir, to prove I am no aery fpirit, rie truft your hand (if you be mortall fubftance) With fo much flefh and blood as may refolve you. Fab. I find tis flie, and having found her thus Shee's loft for ever, and my felfe no leffe. That was the caufe of this her defperate fortune. Vic. What's that you fay t what aile you fir ? how ift .'' And what moves thy deftra6lion } Borgio, fpeak. Enter Panlo. Fail. Horror and fliame invades us, all the houfe Is round befet with officers. The Maeiftrates Are entermg now, for what, or whom they fearch I cannot gueffe, unleffe this be fome Murderer Slipt in, to draw our lives in queftion. Vic. Deale plainly fir, what are you 1 hce's flupified ! Pan. The Spanyard's with 'hem too that took th'afifront By the fuppofed Dutchman here to day ; And he that fain'd himfelfe to be that Dutchman Defires their aid againft this unknown perfon. Enter Pantaloni, Pedro, Guadagni, Sivatz. Profpero, Checqtiino, Zaffi, Pedler-woman. Qua. This is the houfe you fay. Fed. And this is the Gentlewoman. Qua. Give me my Daughter, Harlot. Vic. Here's no fuch creature, here fir, if flie be Your 1/2 The Novella. Your Daughter, this woman dire6led hither, Shea is no Harlot, but an honeft Bride ; Lawfully wed and bedded ; as may appeare By the ftrong teftimony of divers friends : Call them all downe. Exit Paulo. Pant. Unheard-of impudence ! Are Bawdes, and Whores Fit Matchmakers for Magiiificoes Daughters ? Vic. Speake lower, or at home fir, you know not What we are : Harke you fir — your laft nights Did not enough informe you. (triall Pajit. We fhall know more anon ; I'th' meane time what are you ? Fab. A ftranger fir. Pant. We fhall know more of that anon tpo. Ped. This is the ftranger, that affronted me ; 'Gainft whom I crave your Juftice. Pant. You fhall know more anon too. Swat. And this is my Abufer. Pant. You alfo fhall know more anon. Giia. You are well met Gentle-woman 1 gave you loft. Enter Paulo, Francifco, Pifo, Horat, Flavia, AJlutta, Jacconetta. AJl. What will you whimper now .'' will not marriage Make you bold, that makes fo many impudent } Shee was not loft fir ; nor in danger of lofing, Shee was but miflayd a little, as your Writing was to day. Pi. Well faid my chattring Magpy. I will fide thee. Gua. Audacious flrumpet that feduces my Daughter. Pi. You are Miftakcn, fliee did but wait upon her. AJl. Right fir, and did but duty i'lc be fwornc. Ped. Nor I, I will be fworne. Gua. Tlie Novella. 173 Gua. Not, in confentinf^ to the flealth ? Ped. It was my duty fir for the reward, Wee all would live you know. Gua. Will you be gone ? Ped. I hope I am difcharg'd : for looke you fir, I brought you where you finde your Daughter fafe. Gtta. Begone I fay. Ped. No whit the worfe for wearing, as they fay. Gua. Goe thrufl her out of dores. Ped. At my owne liberty I hope. Gua. How thou wilt to be rid of thee. Ped. May you fee your Childrens, Childrens, Childrens, Children. Exit. (of thee. Pant. And thou mifledft my Sonne, I aske him Pi. You fhall know more of that anon fir. Pant. Out-brav'd and fcornd by Strumpets, Bawds, and Bravoes ! Call in the Officers. Pi. And call the common Hangman if you pleafe. And end all 'mong your felfes, if your grave wif- domes. And Lawyers, here, can find one guilty perfon Horatia and Francifco, &c., talke afide with Fabritio and Vicloria. Wee'l all fubmit our necks to you, Gua. Tis boldly fpoken. Pi. I will fpeake but truth. And you, oppofing it, fhall wrong the dignity You beare i'th' City, to your utter fliames. This Gentleman and your Daughter were con- tra6led. Your felfe a willing witneffe ; your Son likewife Unto a noble virgin (Sir of whom You fhall know more anon) It pleas'd diviner providence to take From cithers chofen mate their earthly fortunes ; Yet each had perfon, blood, and vertue left Above 1 74 The Novella. Above the value of a Princes dowry. Would you fo Kick at heaven then, in defpight, Of its great Ordinance, as to force your children, To forfeit both their faiths, thereby to lofe The never-fayling hope of future bleffings. To pull withall a curfe on your own heads. That could no leffe then ruine your eftates. And render you moft wretched in your dotage, Paft helpe or hope how to relieve your felfes : Your confciences ftill groaning underneath The lafhes that your Childrens baftard iffue Should lay upon you ? more, you may confider- Pa7it. We doe confider fir, this place and people No fit receipt for warrantable bufineffe. Pi. This was no bawdy talke fir, nor have I Heard worfe from any mouth in this free place Till your arrivall here. Vic. I cannot be fo happy, 'j Fran. Let her fee your face. > AJide. Vic. O my Fabritio ) Pan. You fee the worfl of us, I fhould be loath Any unwarrantable a6t fhould paffe among us. Gua. Thou lookft like one indeed of upright Confcience ! Pan. And for the Marriage fir, it is as lawful! As if your fclfe had given her in St. Marks. rie fetch the Prieft t'avouch it. Gua. Fetch that Prieft. {Patch Joynes Pan. But i'le be fo reveng'd {in conference Upon this inftrument, this un- {with Victoria knowne Trull here {and Fabritio. Hor. Our Eares and Eyes, Fabritio, witncffc for her. Fab. You have told me wonders, Yet with fuch faith as I fhall ever wifli Lockt in this heavenly Cabinet I take all. Pi. You may Fabritio, for as I prize Life ; Honour Tlie Novella. i ; 5 Honour 'bove that ; and above both thy friendfhip, My foule is not affur'd of firmer truth, Let thy Dutch habit drinke offjealoufy, And take her to thee. Fab. 'Tis done my Pifo. Vic. And I made happy paft my height of hopes. {Kifs. Pant. Good, you fhall fee how I fhall cooie thofe Kiffes. Pati. May I fay boldly you are man and wife ? Fab. Vic. We are moft faithfully till death ; rie fetch a Prieft fhall ftreight pronounce yee fo. Exit. Pant. You fay that is a Dutchman fir, that wrong'd you. Ped. Right, worthy Signior, that's the man I Challenge. Pant. You fay you are the man confronted Doti here. Swat. Yes, and will ftill mayntain't, for violence He offerd to that noble vertuous Lady. Pajit. Good ! vertuous Lady .'' Let mee joyne your Friendfhips. Ped. Swa. You have done it fir. Ped. That is the man I challenge. Swa. The fame man L He has not left the houfe Since my abufe ; I feare to her much wrong : For he is fome difguis'd Knave on my life. Pant. Now you are in the right. Swa. Hee could not weare thofe Cloathes and fpeake no Dutch elfe. Pant. Still i' the right ; i'le fhew you what he is. And out of him, what fhee is, whom you call So vertuous and fo noble ! and you fir, That mentioned the Hangman, come all and fee The commendable port this Lady beares. It feems, fir, you affeft this Gentlewoman. Fab. I ^6 The Novella. Fab. The beft of any living. Pant. And you him Lady ? Vic. Yes, he is my husband. Pant. Would that were true ifaith. The rogue your man Sayd he would fetch a Prieft Enter Paulo in Friers habit. Pau. No verier Rogue then my felfe fir. Pant. Thou art a mad fellow for a Prieft indeed ; But fuch a Prieft, fuch a Marriage, Put 'em together. Pau. I doe pronounce them lawfull man and wife. Pant. The Bridegroome thankes you, but you Miftris Bride For the fine trick you put on me laft night, Looke now upon your husband, Who would you fpeake with fellow .-' Enter Nicolo, as the Zaffi. Nic. With Signior Rajlrofico here, the Hangman, I come to call him to State-bufineffe fir. Pant. Can this be he,.-* (you faid he was a coun- terfeit) I faw him ride the Wooden-horfe, laft day With leffe then halfe this beard, unbeard him firrah. rie beare you out. So reft you Gentlemen With your fo vertuous Lady, and her husband, Hor. Pi. &c. Fabritio ! Vic. Sir I muft crave your pardon, This is he, My firft love that I told you of Siva. You have it freely Lady. Pant. I am abus'd and couzend. (me Vic. I thanke you fir for all the harme you did In your Revenge And harke you, be at peace, And i'le be filcnt for your lafl nights worke. Gua. P^orbeare mee, I am off againe. Fran. Good fir, Stop The Novella. i 'j'j Stop not the bleffing you were about to give us. Gua. I am off againe. The pandare was the Priefl:, The Match is no Match, you no more my Children, But Knave and fl:rumpet. Pant, rie not be fo couzend. This is no Prieft ; and all that's paft unlawfull. Pi. You will know more anon. {Paulo. Pan. Then caft your eyes on me, who dare {cajls maintaine {off his Perriik My Prieft-hood lawfull ; it being deriv'd {and Beard. From th'holy Order of St. Aiigitfiine } Vic. Let me not furfet with exceffe of joy } My brother Paulo ! Pan. Thy brother and thy father, vertuous fifter : Be ever fubjeft of my deareft care ; And pardon me, who (jealous of thine honour Inflam'd by the fame heart, of the fame blood ; For we are all the Reli6ls of our Parents) Watch'd nearely, and purfu'd thy fcape from Rome. For which I had good warrant, Gentlemen See there my difpenfation with th' allowance Of all the holy brotherhood of my Covent. My ends were faire, though in this uncouth way Tho' (heaven I beg thy pardon) as my care Was to preferve her life and more her honour ; Fearing her violent and abufed fpirit, Might have made wrack of either, or of both, I once had fecret purpofe to have ta'ne Her Life, in cafe fliee had forfooke her honour ; And with her cut off Candianies Line, Which now branch'd here, may touch the worlds end With faire succeffion ! Be you bleft for ever. And now, grave firs, let me intrcat your likings. And cheerefull reconcilement to your Children : That fo you may your Childrens, Children fee, Crownd by the prayers of your profperity. N Gua. 178 The Novella. Gua. I am content. Pant. And I, but for one fcruple. Cleare me this point, how had you fav'd your honor If the old youth, laft night (who fhall be nameleffe) Had but mif-fpent his time upon your moore here ? Vic. 'Tis eafily done fir, fee my lov'd Fabritio The Eunuch moore you gave me. Fab. My boy Jacomo, turn'd Chambermayd ! Has thy Miftris us'd thee well } Vic. Not without much defert. Jac. Shee meanes for your deare fake fir. Fab. I fee, fweete Heart, you have an honeft: Family. Vic. Here you fee all, and all that came i'th' houfe ; (Since it was made mine) in this Convention, I dare them not ; but give them freeft leave To fpeake the worfl they found in the Novella. Omjies. Wee all conclude y'are noble. Pati. All's well accorded then. Wee all are Friends, And may Priefts travaile never to worfe ends. E P I- EPILOGUE. CA life 'tis the Ciijlome, By the Poet, Sirs, Fm fent to crave a Plaudit, and the Spnrrs That prick him on tot, is, his promis'd Pay May chance to faile, if you dijlike the Play, But don't if you be wife ; for hee has voivd To write farre worfe if this be not allozvd. FINIS. THE COU RT BEGGER. A CO M ED I E. Acted at the Cock-pit, by his Majesties Servants, Amio 1632. WRITTEN By Richard Broivie. Mart. Hie tot us volo rideat Libellus. L O N D ON. Printed for Richard M a r r i o t , and T H o. D R I N G, and are to be fold at their Shops in Fleet-Jlrcct, 1653. Drammatis Perfonae. SIR Andrew Mendicant, an old Knight, turnd a proje6lor. Mr. Courtwit, a Complementer. Mr. Swaynwit, a blunt Countrey Gentleman. Mr. Citwit, a Citizens Son that fuppofes himfelfe a wit. Mr. Daynty, a fuppofed Pifturedrawer, but a Pick- pocket. Sir Raphael, an old Knight that talkes much and would be thought wife. Sir Ferdinand, a Knight diftrafled for love of the Lady Strangelove. Frederick, in love with Chariffa. Gabriel, fervant to Mendicant. Doftor of Phyfick. Three poore Projeflors. A Sowgelder. A Boy. Lady Strangelove, a humerous widow, that loved to be courted. Philomel her Chambermaide. Charijfa, Mendicants Daughter. •J VOL. I. N 4 PRO- PROLOGUE. WEeve canfe to fear yours, or the Poets frowne For of late days {he know's not {Jioiv) yare groivn, Deeply in love ivith a new flrayne of zvit Which he coiidenuis, at leafl difliketJi it, And folefnnely protifis you are to bUnne If at his hands you doe expefl the faine ; Hee'l tread his nfuall zvay, no gaudy Sceane Shall give inflruftions, ivhat his plot doth vieane \ No handfo)ne Love- toy Jhall your time beguile Forcing your pitty to a figh or fniile. But a fligJit piece of mirth; yet fuch tvere writ By our great Maflers of the Stage and Wit, Whom you approvd : let not your fuffrage then Condemne t in him, aiul prayfet in other jnen. Troth Goitleinen let me advife yee,fpare To vex the Poet full of age and care, Hozv he might fi rive to pleafc yec and beguile His humerous' expeflatioji zvith a f mile, As if you zvould befatisfyd, although His Comedy cont'aines )io antique fhozv. Yet you to him your favour may cxprcffe As well as unto thofe whofe forivardrnffe Make's them your Creatures thought, zvho in a way To purchace fame give nioney zuith their l^lay, Yet you fometinies pay deare for t, fnicc they zvrite Teffe for your pleafure than their ozvn delight. Which if our Poet fayle in, may he be A Sceane of Mirth in their nevt Comedy e. THK THE COURT BEGGER. ACT I. SCENE I. Mendicant, Charijfa. A/en.^/'O' have given him then his anfuer ? JL C/ia. Forc'd by you, Heaven knowes with my much forrow. Such a Lover So in all points defcrving of true wortli, And beft indowments to make up a Man That I (hall never fee your pardon fir, Though you pulld back, by violence, my hand, In which my heart was freely given to him, It is not in your power or ftrength of art To beat a figh back, or reftrainc a tcare Which I niuft offer to his memory. A/en. Such ftormes foone waft themfelves ia abfent Lovers When light of Rcafon, and good Counfell Ihall ]^rcake forth and fliine upon 'em : and for youv part Daughter, I know it fliall. And, prefentl}-, I 1 86 The Court Bcggcr. I tluis begin to difTipate your errors. Yoo love this Frederic^:. Cha. Love knows I do. Men. You fay he is deferving in all points. Cha. My love emboldens me to tell you he is. Men. Chariffa, take me with you. Is he not Deficient in that onely abfolute point That mufb maintaine a Lady, an eflate .' Cha. Love weighes not that. Men. What can he fhew you more To take you with, then a wild head of hayie ; A very Limebufli to catch Lady-birds ^. A Tiffue Doublet ; and a Riband fhop Hung in his Hatbands, might fet up a Pedicr.' Can this maintaine a Lady .'' CJia. You but looke Upon his outfide fir. Men. I truft you have not Bin over inwardly acquainted with him. Cha. Sir, he has Valour, Wit, and Honour, you well know Hec's of a noble Family gxtra6led. (acquir'd Meti. What's th.at a ycare } thofe parts may be In winning of a flirumpct. But what Jo:n61urc Can he propound to you .-' or, (in cafe he d\-cs. Your Dowry being fpentj what perfonall Kftate I ft like hee'l leave you, but his Powder glaffe, His Combe and Beard-brufli, and perhaps a Trur.k- full Of Elegies, Raptures, Madrigalls and Sonnets .^ No let him goe ; difcard him : and embrace The hopes that I have for thee in the hopcfull, li''xquifitc Cavalier, Courlicr and Souldier, Scholier, (and what not I) brave Sir Fcrdiuando : There's a l\Lan rifing in the favour Roj'all, And may in thcc Chariffa, make me happ}'. Cha. Sir )-ou have given mc liberty of fpccch ; And The Court Bagger. 1 87 And may be plcas'cl to let me tell you now, You aime at your own fortune, not at mine. Men. I feeke no fortune, but for thy advance- ment : All that I fliall call mine mufl: be thine owne. Cha. I would be playner yet ; befeeching you I be not thought too lofe in my obedience, Moi. Speake freely Girle. Cha. Your ayme has bin to raife Your ftate by Court-fuits, begging as fome call it, And for that end you left your Countrey life. And Lands too ever fmce my Mother dy'd. Who while fliee liv'd with beft of womans judge- ment Which held you from that courfe of felling faire Poffeffions to enable you with money To purchace wit at Court. You pardon me ? Men. On, on. Cha. And for th'Exchange of a faire Manfion- houfe (paftures Large fruitfull Fields, rich Meadowes and fweet Well CI opt with corne and flockd as well with Cattell, (in't, A parke well ftor'd with Deere too, and Fifhponds And all this for a lodging in the Strand now Kut doe I not offend } Men. No, no, on ftill. (and Poultry Cha. Your own fed Beefes and Muttons, Fowle Loaded your long boords then ; and you had then Neighbours could boaft your hofpitality, And poore, that for the remnants prayd for you, Now all concludes upon a two-diflid table. And whereas then you had a numerous Family Of Servants and Attendants, out of which For profit or for plcafure you could call Your Bayliffc, Groom, }^our Falconer, or your Huntfman, Now 1 88 The Court Bcggcr. Now fir, a Varlct Coachman, and Footboy Are all your Retinue ; and for the Hounds You kept, that made you fport and Mufick, now None but your proje6l Beagles, that fmcU out Where fuch a forfeiture is to be begg'd ; Where one would purchafe a Reprieve, another A Pardon or a leafe of Life Rope-free For ready money : Then where Goods or Lands Are found of men that make away themfelfes, And fo of fooles and madmen ; All to fet Your trade of Begging up, and flill you beg : But your own want of favour holds you back From reaching any profit by't, becaufe You beg by Mediators tongues, which you Call Favorites, who reape the crop of all, And leave you but the Gleanings ; fome fmall pittance To keepe alive the itch of begging in you Me>i. Shee fpeakes home and within me, to the purpofe, Cha. Still wafting your own fortunes ; till at laft You have no hopefull proje6l left to thrive by But to put me upon this fuppos'd favorite To beg for you when it is doubtfull yet Whether hee'l take me with the Dowry, which Mine Unkle left me, though you adde your projefls. Men. The noble Gallant loves thee, Girle, and holds Thy Perfon and thy vertues Dowry enough. Cha. He is a wanton Lover, full of change, And at this inftant Angularly devoted Unto that humorous Lady, the young Widow. Men. The Lady Strangeiove ? Cha. Shee is ambitious To draw all mens affc6lions to her fervice, And then abufes all by fcornes or flightings, And this (they fay) has made him almofl. mad. TJic Court Bcgger. 1 89 Men. He mad ! believe it not : his reafon is Married to him better then fo. How now ! Ha' you fcenc the noble Knight from me ? How did he entertainc my Meffage ? ha ! Why fpeakft thou not ? what anfwer has he fent ? Enter Gabriel. Gab. Hee's not Sir to be fpoken with or feene To any purpofe, but by his Phifitians. Men. So fodainly and dangeroufly fick, Where are my hopes ? Gab. I cannot fay how fick He is ; nor can liimfelfe give any account Of his condition : for he is mad fir. Me7i. How ! mad ? Gab. Starke flaring mad ; as mad As you can thinke a Courtier muft be That is more mad then all the reft. Me7i. If this be true I finke, what is fuppos'd The caufe .-' Gab. That fir has puzzell'd all the Do6lors In weighing all his feverall wild affe6lions ; One findes he was ambitious of Court favour. And gueffes he was croff'd in fome great fuite ; Another takes him as he was a Souldier, And lofing coft and travaile in the warre Muft lofe his wits for that. A third colle6ts He was a Poet that drunk too deepe oi Helicon, And turnd his brainc in clyming oi Parnajfus : A fourth confidering that he was a Gamfter Long and much favourd, and uprais'd by fortune To mountaynous heapes of Gold, conjectures, that Some late unlucky hand or chance at play Hath with his money fwept his wit away. Me}i. Fy, thefe can be no caufes to remove, Or fhake his fettled judgement or his temper. Gab. Then fir a fift and youngeft head among The learned men (what call }'ou him for a I)o6lor .' Hay I go TJie Court Begger. Hay that affe6ls gay clothes and Flanders Laces, That trim effeminate Gentleman) he Has known this noble patient to have beene An extreame Amorift, defperatly devoted Unto the fervice of fome threefcore Ladies, And honord every one the moft in coftly prefents, Banquets and Verfes ; and thinks the difdaine Of one or all of them has turnd his braine. Clia. I told you fir, the caufe before ; and nam'd That humorous Lady for it, whom in heart I can no leffe then thanke. Mcji. Goe, get you up. And ftirre not from my Chamber on my bleffmg Till my returne, nor admit any one Unto a conference with you. Cha. I obey you. Exit. Gab. Some of your proje6l fearchers wait with- out fir, Loden it feemes with new intelligences. Men. They may come in : but as I feare they Me little comfort, I am fure I fliall (bring Afford them none. Now firs, your bufmeffe t Enter 3 Proje^lors. 1. Pro. We wait upon your honour my good Lord To crave the knowledge of what good fucccffe Your honor finds in our late fuits my Lord. Men. Why honor } why my Lord .•• 2. Pro. We ftile you now. 3. Pro. As all mufl doe hereafter. I. Pro. Yes, and that In a fliort fpace of time, the world holds no Proportion elfe, nor fhall it more be fayd That money can buy Land ; or great Inflates In Lands and Mannor-houfes be call'd Lordfliips. I. 2. 3. Or wealth joynd with dcfert attaine to honor. (full cry. Gab. So now the Game's afoot. They hunt in I. P TJie Court Begger. 191 I. P. My Lord 'tis moft apparant. Men. How you torture me ! 2. P. Wee'l mak't appeare moft plainly on our 3./^. And credits too. (lives. Gab. Their Lives and credits, ha, ha, ha. I. P. That in the fpace of one whole year our proje6ls Shall bring in fifty thoufand pounds to us, And hundred thoufand to your felfe ; and to The Coffers Royall for full feaven years fpace 64 Thoufand 783 1. 7s. gd. ob. q. per annum, Tis here already caft. Which to make good Wee'l venture Lives and Goods. 2. P. Our Wives and Children. {Metid. takes 3.P. We can ingage no more. {tJie fcroll and Gab. A wondrous ftrange ingagement {pcnifes it. Your lives and goods ; your wives and children gentlemen ! That's too deep fet, and queftions the King's Mercy: Me thinks it were enough, for non-performance You would fubmit your bodies to perpetuall Imprifonment at the Kings charge ; and leave Your wives and children to their feverall Parifhes You are ftill faithleffe fir, in all projefts. 1 . But when you fhall perceive the wealthy fonnes Dayly brought in, and be, continually, Troubled with the Receipts (if you may be trufted That have fo little faith) when you fliall foyle And gall your fingers ends with telling money, Yet find the lickings of 'em fweet, you'l then Sing other Notes. 2. Meane time entreat my Lord To put you to fome Tellers Clearke to teach you Ambo-dexterity in telling money. Gab. Do you hear fir .' Can you give me two fixpenccs For a fhilling or any fingle money .'' 2-P. Pijli. Gab. 192 The Court Bcggcr. Gab. Cry mcrcj', you wcare none in ready coine, But all in Bullion l.^ckt up in your brave chefls, And there you have the treafure of the Indies ; Of deeper value, could it be digg'd out, Then all the Hollariders have waited for Thcfe 7 yeares out of the Spanifh plate fleets. 3. Piigh. Gab. But put mine eye out (now I dare you to't) With any fingle peece of ready money. \.P. My Lord your man abufes us here flrangely With his old misbeliefe. But ftill we doubt not Your honourable good opinion of us. 2.P. You have perus'd this weighty paper here. Men. It weighes not all twelve graines. \.P. No more } Nay the whole platforme of a ftately City, Or a defigne to conquer a w^hole Nation, But doe you notethegrounds,theRulesandReafons, Firfl for the eafmeffe of the feverall grants. 2.P. Next for performance of our undertakings. 3./'. And then the certainty o' th' propounded Both to the King and us. (profits \.P. Without all grievance unto the fubjeft. Gab. That's no little marvaile. \.P. Take 'em into particulars my Lord, Firfl this for Perrukes. The Monopoly Of making all the Perrukes male and female, Through Court and Kingdome. Gab. There's a capitall projc6l. 2. P. Note the ncceffity, that they be well made Of no difeas'd or infc6lious fbuffc, of dead or living, No verminous or fluttifli locks or combings, But harmleffc and found hairc, of innocent, And wholcfomc people. Gab. They muft then rca[)C none From Gallowfcs, nor Hofpitalls ; from whence They have had great fupplics. \.P. TJtc Court Begger. 1 93 \.P. You have in that Said very well ; For here's a Reformation Of that abufe intended in thefe words Innocent and wholefome. Gab. How if a man or woman fhall defire To weare a friends hayre fo departed ; as You his ; or your wife yours ; may't not be had ? \.P. Or if your friend or Miftris dye fo, you Procure the haire and bring it from the Gallows To th'ofifice, and it may be done accordingly. Gab. You have in that faid very well Sir too. \.P. Now out of this provifion, what an infinite Profit will rife i' th' generall ufe ofem, And multiplicity that will be worne By people of all forts, degrees and ages : The old to hide their naturall baldneffe, and The young and middle-ag'd their artificiall Or accidentall. Gab. By the pox or fo. \.P. They fhall be brought into that reputation That none fhall be efteem'd fo found or wife As publique wearers of them : which to effefluate Tis requifite that you obtaine a Mandat Unto all Courtiers, that would be thought wife To weare falfe hayre : becaufe clownes have been noted To talke like fooles or mad men in their own. Men. No more of that. I, What fay to this my Lord, Touching new fafhions of apparell ; futes, Hats, Boots, Swords, Belts, Ribands, &c. For every wearer of his firft o'th' fafhion To pay a groat to th'King ; and every Tradefman Two pence on every feverall piece he fells Of any fuch new fafhion the firft yeare ? Gab. And what may this pride money amount Per ajuium, can you gueffe .-' (unto O Men 1 94 TJie Court Begger. Men. I will not meddle in it. 2. No my good Lord. Men. No, nor your Perrukes neither. 3. What fay to this my Lord of the Balconyes } Men. Nor that. 1. This then for fucking out of cornes. Men. Away with it. 2. This then : that on the birth of every Girle The Father pay a groat ; to hearten men To live foberly and get Souldiers. Men. Away. I. This makes amends for all then. Anewprojefl For buylding a new Theatre or Play-houfe Upon the Thames on Barges or flat boats To helpe the watermen out of the loffe They've fuffer'd by Sedans ; imder which projefl The fubje6l groanes, when for the eafe of one Two abler men muft fuffer ; and not the price, Or pride of Horfe-flefh or Coach-hire abated. This fhall bring flouds of gaine to th' watermen Of which they'l give a fourth of every fare They fhall boord at the floating Theatre, Or fet afhore from thence, the Poets and A6lors Halfe of their firft yeares profits, Me7i. Fy away. I. This is a weighty one : For maffy fummes That may be freely given out of the City, To have but this affurance, that hereafter They may ingroffe the getting of their own Children : by order tane that Cavaliers, And Courtiers may no more invade, Or mix with Tradefmens wives : whereby tis thought So many City Prodigalls have been gotten ; Onely the thrifty countrey Gentlemen To be excepted : for by them 'tis guefl So many Citizens grow landed men. Gab. TIic Court Bcgger. 195 Gab. Were not they gotten by Proje6lors think you ? 3. iViy Lord your fervant jeeres us. Mot. To cleale plainely I doe allow't in him Gab. Heaven has heard my prayers. Men. And will heare him or any man oppofe All that is put to me by way of proje6l To put me by all further hopes in 'em : For (with hearts griefe I fpeake it) he by whom I onely hop'd to climbe (alas) is fallen. 1. What out of favour } Meji. No, out of his Reafon. 2. The noble Cavalier fir Fcrdinando. 3. That late ftood candidate for the favour royall, Is he now fallen befides himfelfe } Men. Even he. 1. What have you then to doe my Lord In lieu of all your fervice but beg him .'' Me7i. His greater and his nearer friends at Court Will prevent me. 2. They fhall not, never feare it. 1. Come we will make quick worke of this. My Lord you fliall disburfe but twenty pieces. 2. Among us three. 3. And we will inftantly Finde his eftate. i. And lay you down a way So plaine that you fliall fay All's yours, Before you flir a foot. Gab. But when he has travell'd Till he has tir'd himfelfe, he fhall returne, And fay All's lofl, ift not fo Gentlemen .-• Men. I will not part with any money firs. I. Truft me you doe not well to put my Lord Off o' his benefit, by diflieartning him In this fmall venture. Will you then be pleas'd To give us but ten pieces. Men. Not a penny. O 2 2 196 The Court Begger. 2. Five you fhall my Lord, And ftand no longer thus in your own light. 3. Or but a piece a Man. Men. Not a denier. I. A dinner then my Lord, but of one piece. Men. My anfwers cannot pleafe you. Anfwer 'em you. (throats Gab. I wonder how you having ftretch'd your With the loud founds of thoufands, hundred thou- fands Can, after all, fo faintly whifper forth One piece ; and that as much in vaine, as all The maffy fummes : for all but brings you nothing, It fhewes you Gentlemen of refolute patience ; And would take thankfully I warrant you An od halfe crowne amongft you : and what fay you To every man a kick on the condition ^ What fay you to one with tother .-• I. This abufe Shall lofeyour Mafter a hundred thoufand pound. Gab. Goe coine your bullion braines into the money And come againe. My mafter was Your Lord even now, as he was Lord of Beggers. I. I hope to live to fee him beg of us. Gab. Out hundreds, thoufands, ten thoufands, hundred thoufands, Millions, ten Millions, Millions upon Millions Away, i'le ftamp your buttocks into coyne elfe. {Ex. The Devill ride that hindmoft of 'em, for {Projc6lors. A raw bon'd Jade : Sfoot he has lam'd my toes. Men. I am glad I am fo rid of 'em, and now As th'art my Servant and my loving Kinfeman Gab. To follow you in all things but in Projcfls. Men. Looke to my Houfe and Daughter, that fhe Nor any entrance be allowd to Fredrick (flart not ; To re-entangle her in his Love. I know Thy The Court Begger. 197 Thy vertue and chy valour can make good My truft impos'd ia thee. Gab. You need not feare fir But, good fir, no more projefts. Men. I have but one, On which I'le fet my reft. Thoult fay tis good. Gab. Except it be the begging of this Madman It can be nothing. Men. Tis the very fame : By which I will advance my houfe and name. Exit. Gab. The Beggers beft is that he feeles no fhame : Sprecious what meane you .-' Ha' you forgot fo foone Your Fathers ftridl com mand, and he fcarcegoneyet.' Enter Chariffa. Cha. Alas hee'l then meet Fredrick anddiverthim, I faw him at the window making this way. Gab. He gets no entrance to you. I muft obay A mafter though you can negle6l a father. Cha. Be not fo cruell. Thou mayft live to love, And need the pitty of a friend. Gab. I pitty you, And will do no more then you know how to aske For your own good. I underftand your caufe And can relieve you if you'l yeild to councell. Cha. You are my Kinfman ; and have bin my friend, Though you obferve my father who, I feare, Has not a fathers love towards me. Gab. His love is great and certaine, And all his travell is for your advancement : But he goes blindfold on unprofperous wayes Led by credulity. Projefls! pox o'proje6ls The patron of his proje6ls is (it feemes) Pepper'd with madneffe. Tis but Juftice on him, And now i'le give you a fecret if you'l promife To be ruld by me. Cha. You fhall rule me cofen. {c) O 3 Gab. 1 98 The Court Begger. Gab. This Ferdinand, your fathers great Court- godling Nere fought you for a wife; but to have whor'd you : (That is the Englifh on't) and to appeare A right great man in th'a6l, he would ha' made By hopes and promifes your credulous Father The inftrument of your proftitution : Which to effe6l (though ftill he undertook His hopefuU proje6ls) cunning Lawyer-like He croll: or loft him flill in all, on purpofe That poverty at length might urge him to Give you to his difpofe. Cha. This was my feare. Gab. Away, fome body comes. Cha. Tis Fredrick. I muft fee him. Gab. You'l never fee him more then. Go to your A little patience and he fhall be yours, (chamber. Cha. So dos a heart confume in lingring fire, When cooling hopes are caft on hot defire. Exit. Gab. Poore heart, I pitty her, and will labour for her. Enter Frederick. Fred. O Gabriell I am happy in finding thee, Thy mafter abfent, whom I faw, in haft Now paffing towards the Court. Where's my Chariffa ? Gab. You may not fee her. Fred. May not fee her fir. Gab. May not ! nay muft not : fhall not fej her. Fred. Y'are very plaine with me. Gab. Her owne command Warrants me fpcake it fir. Fred. A villaine fpcakcs it. Draw. Gab. I have a fword fpcakcs other language for me. (written here, Fred. Can fhe whofe thoughts are truth, and Here in this brcaft, giving me ample welcome, Give The Court Begger. 199 Give thee a countermand to bar me from it ? Wouldft thou make her a double hearted monfter ? Or like another woman ? Repent thee of thy trefpaffe yet and live. Gab. Sir, if you thinke to fight, talke not too much ; Or, if you needs muft talke, then heare as well. Fred. What wouldft thou fay ? Gab. Sir, I have more to fay Then fits this place, fince you are apt to quarrell ; And this no ground to buftle on : nor indeed Where I dare for my honefhy and truft Allow you longer ftay. If therefore you Willwalke, I'le wait upon you ; and dire6l you In a more ready way to finde Charijfa. Fred. Is fhee not here i' th' houfe ? Gab. O fir, a man May come within his arme-reach of his money In the Exchequer : but he muft walke about To finde due order e're he draw it out. Fred. The fellow's honeft, valiant, and difcreet. Full man, in whom thofe three additions meet. Gab. Sir, dare you truft me .-* Fred. Yes I dare ; and why } Becaufe if thou dar'ft fight, thou Har'ft not lie. ACT II. SCENE I. Enter Pldlomel, Court-wit, Swayn-wity Cit-wit. Phi. T T Ere in this gallery Gentlemen you may X X. at your pieafure, Untill my Lady comes, walk or fit. Con. Or lie down if you pleafe. '-» VOL. I. O 4 Ph. 200 The Court Begger. Ph. If you fo, wrong not my Ladies Couch with your Spurres I pray : take heed you leave not a Rowell there. Sw. If one fhould, your Lady has no Lord to call her honour to queftion, whofe Knight-hood it belong'd unto. Phil. You have a good countrey wit fir. Sw. My name is Swayne-wit ; and for all you twit me with the Countrey, I am a Gentleman tho'. Ph. I honour you the more fir, for I am a Countrey Maide my felfe. (deceiv'd elfe. S%v. Thou art a baggage, and a bold one, I am I would be further acquainted with you tho'. Kiffe long. Have you done now .-' You will have time enough Further and better acquaintance. (for Thou art a Jackanapes of the bafeft tricks that ever I faw, for a halfe-penny. Shee's your choyce, is fhee } Could not you let be tho'.-' I ha' bin ac- quainted with thee but two dayes, and forgi' me for fwearing, I ha' found thee beating ripe a skore o' times at leaft. Take heede I begin not now, and handfell your Ladies houfe, that is fo much talkt on, and your Gentlewomans prefence here with a fift about your eares. Cou. Not for a thoufand pound. Siu. That's a great deale of money. I could find i'my heart to do't tho'. Cou. Slife we are all undone then. Sw. He fets my teeth on edge to looke upon him : He lookes fo like a wilding crab, good neither for drink nor fauce. Ph. Why would you preffe him then } Sw. Thou haft a verjuice wit. Ph. For my poore fake forbeare fir. Sw. Let him ftand further then, and looke o'toe fide. Cit. TJie Court Besrsrer. 201 ^m> Cit. Well, fir, this is no caufc nor place to fight Sw. What fayes he ? (in, when Ph. Nothing, you heare he whiftles tother way. Sw. Tother way, what backwards ? Ph. What new gueft ha' you brought here Mr. Court-wit for m)' Lady to laugh at 1 Coil. One for that purpofe Phil you ha' fpoke the man. But what company has my Patroneffe, that fhee is yet bufy. Szv. I that ! If fliee be long bufy I will not ftay, and fhee were ten great Ladies, or one as big as twenty, for all fhee is your Patroneffe, muft we wait out of our wits, becaufe Chalivers ran mad for Ph. Ha' you heard o' that fir } (her t Sw. My Cozen Court-wit' s queftion was who's with her .-' Ph. O fweet Mr. Court-zvit, when will you bring the fine civill Gentleman, that maintaines himfelfe fo gallantly by pi6lure drawing } Sw. Here's a new bufineffe ! Fare yee well, pray tell your Lady I came not from Penfans to grow here. Ph. Nay fweet fir ftay, there is fir with my Lady none but the grave and witty talking Knight. Some call him the metrapolitane wit of Court ; he that loves Ladyes fociety fo much, and yet has vow'd virginity. Coti. As much as in man lies Phil; Hee is a perpetuall vowd batchellor indeed, and as conflant to his vow as to his fafliion in apparrell, which is ever the fame, fir Raphael Winter-plum. Cit. That old witherd piece. I know him. Siu. Thou wilt beare up again. Cit. He has lick'd up a living with his tongue ; makes all great tables his own ; and eats for his talke. He may be convcrfant with women : for (they 202 The Court Begger. (they fay) he guelt himfelfe beyond Sea for fpight one did him ; and now preaches chaftity to Ladies, and love to their husbands. Hee's a Lay-gofpeller among the married fort, and an efpeciall pedant to the youth o' Court. Cou. Fy, thou fpeakft too much. Sw. There's another humor 1 could beat thee for with all my heart, thou wilt fpeake outragioufly of all men behinde their backs, and darft not anfwer Ba to the face of a fheep, O I could pommell thee. Cit. This is not yet a caufe to fight for, when Ph. But will not that fine Gentleman Mr. Damty come, Mr. Court-tvit ? Coil. I expe6l him prefcntly. Ph. rie fee if their conference be ended, or breake it if I can, and haften my Lady to you. Exit. Sw. This wench has a dainty wit. Cou. Shee may, living with the prime Lady-wit in towne. Sw. But what Dainty is that fhee talkes on fo affeftionately .'' Cou. Troth a Gentleman that lives at a good rate ; very civill in converfation, keepes good com- pany ; yet none of his acquaintance that I am acquainted with knowes his beginning, or his Sw. A Gentleman borne. (prefent meanes. Cou. I know no more but by his port, and fafhion, you faw him with me laft night. Sw. Forgi' me for fwearing, I ft he } Cou. He was at the Play with us too, doe you not remember that } Sw. Yes, that I was at the Play, by furc token and a fad one. Cit. rie fhew you fomewhat of him. A Gentle- man borne did you aske .-* Sw. Now he beares up againe. Cit. The Court Begger. 203 Cit. Hee cannot be a Gentleman by birth or place. A fine-handed, and a fine headed fellow he is ; and pretends great skill and praftice too in Pifture- drawing, Watch-making, and fuch like finger- workes ; which he fayes he ufes as a Gentlemans exercife, not as a trade to live upon ; when either he does live on't ; or elfe hee has fome more fecret way, as perhaps pimping or purfing for ought I know. Sw. There he is again ! Art thou bound in con- fcience to wrong all men in their abfence, till I beate thee into better manners ? Con. Hold, hold, I prithee hold. Cit. Yet ftill the caufe is infufficient, when Coil. Here comes the Gentleman, Ejiter Dainty. Cit. Is hee come .-' Noble Mr. Dainty The welcomft in the World. I proteft I fuffer'd by your abfence. Dai. You do me too much honour Mr. Cit-wit. Cit. Oh fir, your humble fervant. Sw. Ha, ha. Forgi' me for fwearing, what a Spaniell's this ? Dai. Gentlemen you are well found, I was a little ftayd by the way upon receipt of monies. Ha' you feene the Lady yet .-' Cou. Shee's yet a little bufy. We fhall a inftantly take the opportunity together. Dai. But Gentlemen ; you that have better knowledge of this Lady informe if you pleafe, why are we fummond hither .' Cou. Thou fpeakft as if thou hadft guilt upon thee; fear nothing man. Sw. I that's the thing that I would underftand too. And why me of any man .'' They fay indeed fhee is a humorous Lady, and loves to bufy her felfe. But what are we to her.-* are there not {c) greater 204 ^-^^^ Court Begger. greater men, and Lords enough for her to foole away the time with, but we muft dance attendance on her humors ? Cit. I proteft Mr. Swayn-wit, I admire your in- genuity. Sw. You will be medling ftill. Cit Tis to your queftion fir, which I will anfwer. Sw. I there's another of your cockfcombly tricks, to anfwer any queftion, that's ask'd another man, out with tho'. Cit. This Lady fir, this humorous wity Lady is a wit-fponge, that fuckes up wit from fome, and holds as her own, untill fhee fqueeze it out on others. Shee will make ufeofours, or any courfer wits ; and fearch 'em out to fift 'em. Shee will colle6l from market-folkes ; and hold conferences with the poore Trades-people that cry their wares about the ftreets, Shee will rake wit out of a dung- hill Ragwoman. Swa. So there he is againe ! dareft thou abufe a noble Lady, in her owne houfe too .'' I dare not now but beat thee. Cou. Forbeare good cofen. Cit. Still, ftill, the caufe is naught, when Dai. Ods fothe Ladies comming 1 think. Enter PJiilomel. Phil. Gentlemen, my Lady cannot yet be rid of the tedious talking Knight. But fliee will caft him prefently. He is now following her into this roome, pray paffe into the next ; my Ladies Mufick roome. There you fliall find a collation of good Tobacco and Sack and one to attend you, you know the fafhions of the Houfe Mr. Court-wit. Coil. Come away Gentlemen. Exit Gentlemen. Phil. I could even love and looke upon that fweete Mr. Dainty a whole houre methinks. Enter TJie Court Bcggcr. 205 Enter Strange-love, and Sir Raphael. Stra. Goe your wayes down Mayd, and if any aske for Sir Raphael here, fay that I hope he will ha' done anon. Ra. You would be rid of me : but pardon me Madam, I muft hold your glaffe to you. Stra. That's a poore Chamber-mayds office ; and ill becomes your gravity Sir Raphael. Ra. rie open then the booke to you of your errors. Str. Now you fpeake fcholler-like, and your felfe : But have we fpent all this while in by, and idle calke, and have that volume to be open'd yet.^ Pray read mee for the firft Leffon for this Mornings Exercife, and my Edification, the laft Chapter of my book of errors as you call it. Ra. You are a mocker of inftru6lion, and good counfelL Str. Begins it fo ? whom is that fpoken to } Ra. I fpeak to onely you ; to conjure (if I can) that fpirit of fcorne out of you ; which you have taken in, and long afife6led for a humor, your fmgular own humor, till it is grown fo familiar, fo inherent in you, that you have wonne the title of the humorous Lady by't ; and drawn a fcorne upon your felfe. Stra. Why then all's paid, and wellcome good Sir Raphael. Ra. I am not gone fo ; nor is all fo payd : For there's a greater reckoning yet of Raylings, Reviling, Curfes by the many that Y'have fcornd and flighted, fliotat you in hot vollies. Str. They hit me not. I am fure I do not feele 'em. R. You may in time be fenfible of their fufifrings, Whom you have violently, and willfully abus'd With fcorne and pride ; if you call to mind The 2o6 The Court Begger. The caufe, bred meerly out of humour ; caufe you would have it fo. Str. You come too neare me fir, caufe I would have it fo ? Ra. Can it be otherwife ? Has it not ever bin Your pra6life, fmce your time of widow-hood To catch all mens afife6lions ? Tis indeed An honour to a Lady to have many fuitors ; But to lay bait for 'em only to delude 'em Is impioufly difhonorable. Str. Have I done fo ? Ra. Yes, and have gloried in it for your humour To lead men into brakes with foolifh fire. Str. If they will follow it, I cannot helpe it. Ra. You might though have prevented the mif- Of many, by a faire and free refiftance (haps In the beginnings of their fuits of Courtfhips, And not to fet your felfe at gaze to draw them on, And then allure them with affured hopes Of love and favour till you have wound their follies Into the reach of your difdaine ; and then To torture 'em, or having ta'ne 'em captives To fiave and fell 'em to the worlds derifion. Str. O fir Raphael Ra. Shee feeles compun6lion ! I will purfue it to the quick. Str. On good Sir Raphael. Ra. Confider then good Madam, fince I know, And your own confcience knowes, that you have made A fccret vow from your late husbands death Never to marry, how better and more glorious It would be for your honor to declare Your conftant purpofe to a fingle life, Then to fall into the tranfgreffion Of robbing men fo of their wits and reafon, And all by willfull humor : as this late Unhappy The Court Begger. 207 Unhappy accident of madneffe in The hopefull Knight Sir Ferdinaitdo cryes Lowdly to your difgrace, and the worlds forrow. Str. Halfe the worlds forrow is mine own For that fad accident, I would I coold redeem't With halfe my health or life. But let me tell you (Now you have juflly chidden me) that you Have a fault too. Ra. What ift in your conftru6lion ? Str. As I conceal'd my vow of fmgle living, And gave men leave to court me, by which meanes I won them into hopes, and robd their wits, You in declaring to the Court and City Your vow of chaftity and fmgle life, Yet dayly, nightly, howerly frequenting The company of Ladies, with your fweet, No leffe then grave difcourfe and converfation Have rob'd (nay I may fay deflowr'd) more Ladies Of chaft and honorable thoughts, then all The cavalry of Court. Ra. Who I Madam ! Str. Even you fir Raphael (if unchaft defires Muft be held fmfull) I know fome of them. And one (I feare) too well, that have bin fubje6l Unto the breach of any vow for you, Yet you to vow a fmgle and chaft life ; And publifh your intent ! Ra. Tis with intent. And a religious purpofe to decline. And divert womans fond afifeftions from me. Str. O, but forbidden things are womens longings ! You have read, you have read (fir Raphael) you have read. {Falls on her Couch Ra. And travell'd too : yet never could difcover Such an example. Str. Pray fit down by me. (hence. Ra. Good thoughts poffeffe you Madam. I muft Str. 2o8 The Court Begger. Sir. rie not be tedious to you. One word I pray fir ? Ra. Vertue, be thou my armor. Briefly then Let me intreat you Madam. Str. Pray refufe not To fit downe by me. Ra. San6lity proteft me, Sit. Str. Sir, you are famous, and cry'd up by all For your great wifdome, Morall and Divine : You are the Ipfe dixit of the Court As I have heard you ftil'd by men of learning, The Court Philofophcr Ra. Madam to the point. Str. What is our ftrength, and what is not our frailty t Ra. Where is fhee wandering now } Bee playner Madam. Str. Doe not my blufhes (which I hope you Deliver you a meffage from my heart 1 (pardon) Which I want words to utter } O thefe vowes ! Thefe rafh and ill-made vowes ! dos not your judgement Read fomething on this face } pray look upon me. Ra. I am no good interpreter of looks. Str. I dare not fpeake, till you have firft remov'd A weighty fcruple, which doth much perplexe me. Ra. You muft firft fpeake it Madam. Str. Whether thefe vowes, (I meane your own, and mine, for Angle life) May fafely be difpens'd with or abfolv'd, And we become a lawfuU paire in Marriage } Pray fir refolve and bleffe me in a Match. Ra. Madam I'le pray for you. Starts up. Str. You will firfl: kill me With your difdaine, and then you'l pray for me ! Is that your Charity } Ra. I dare not hcare you. Str The Court Begger. 209 Str. Leave me not fo. Ra. Who waits upon my Lady here ? Exit. Str. I had no other way to fliift him, would he would make An errand now to Rome to quit my fcruple ; And rid the Court of an officious foole: Women fome times have fent wife men to fchoole. Is the Knight gone ? Enter Philomel. Ph. And bleffmg of himfelfe, As witch-craft were i'th' houfe. Str. But where's my favorite Court-wit, has he brought his countrey Kinfman and the reft ? Ph. They are all in your wit-office Madam (as you call the Roome) Faffing the time among the Pipes and Bottles, And fmging catches. Here you may heare 'em Madam, A catch. Str. Marry, this takes paft all fir Raphaels Le6lures, Goe call 'em downe. Exit Phi. This Madam troubles me, 'would he were right agen ; Or I quit of the fcandall. Enter Court- Szuain, and Cit-wit. Gentlemen ! y'are welcome, And chiefly you that are the onely ftranger, 1 ha' been fo troubled with an overtalking fir, that he Has wound me into melancholly Swa. I wifii you mirth Madam. I come not as one o' your fooles to make you any though — Offer {to go aivay. Str. Be not fo bricfe with mee, let mee intreat you though. Sw. Forgi'me for fwcaring doe you mock me tho' ? Str. Miflake me not fweet fir Sw. Sweet with a mifchiefe ! How fweet am I } P I 2IO The Court Begger. I come not as a fuitor to your great Ladyfhip. I am a Gentleman of two hundred a yeare tho'. Str. Not as a fuitor to me fir ? Sw. No you are too great for me. Nor to your Mopfey without, though fhee be fnout-faire, and has fome wit fhee's too little for me, I underftand degree and quality, refpe6l and difference ; and am fcholler enough to know my wide and my quarc. Str. You ga' me his true chara6ler. You are a compleat Gentleman fir (if I miftake not) the Kinf- man of my favorite here, who has given me an ample relation of your worth and vertue. Cou. Yes, Patroneffe, 'tis he, who though not throughly vers'd, or converfant i'th' Court or City garbe, he underftands both Men and Manners. Sw. Prattle for your felfe fir. Str. But to the bufineffe Gentlemen. Sw. I that I would faine know if it be any. Str. You have heard I doubt not of a difaftrous blot lately caft upon my fame, out of my owne freeneffe. Cit. Concerning the Mad-courtier Madam, when 'tis as likely, that his Taylor made him mad as you, for not hitting the fafliion right in his laft rich fuit. J^ut tis mofi like he fell from a reafonable man, by over-ftudying himfelfe what Lord he fhould be at the next creation, whether of Gleek, or Cribbidge ; In and in, or Hazard. Sw. Hearke how this fhotten headed Cocks- combe prates ! And how he, that can indurc beat- ing, dares fpeak any thing, or abufc all men ! canft not give the Lady leave to fpe^ike tho' .-' Str. Since there is an afperfion layd upon my freeneffe in giving entertainment unto perfons of great and noble quality, the world deeming it to be done The Court Bcggcr. 2 1 1 done by me meerly for oftentation, to cry my own humor up, by drawing them into Love-knots, and then to flight or fcorne them : My refolution is from henceforth, to exclude thofe great reforts, and friendly and freely be merry within our felfes. I have foure thoufand a yeare to fpend ; and will be hufwife good enough to keepe in compaffe. I will not entertaine a fervant, friend or guefl above your rank or fortunes (think of us ? Sw. Why — (forgi'me for fwearing) what do you Str. I thinke you Gentlemen of worth and quality : and therefore welcome, I thinke you able to maintaine your felfes midle-fis'd Gent. Cit. I am Midlefex indeed ; borne i' th' City. Sw. Give the Lady leave to fpeake tho'. Str. rie give acceffe to none, that the cenforious world fhall dare to judge a fuitor to me, Or to finde favour further then meat and wine. Sw. Yes, faith a little money to ; and make's your Fidlers. Cit. Pray give the Lady leave to fpeak though. {ivhew Str. Mauger the greatneffe of my former vifitants I give you my ele6lion for the chiefes Of my familier fociety. I may perhaps call in, (at leaft admit) People of meaner garbe, without (I hope) Your grudge or envy. But they fhall be men Of Science, Art, and A6lion. Szv. Of a6lion Madam .'' who do you meane .^ the Players .'* Str. Why not .-' I love their quality and them, and mean to have the ufe of fome of 'em fhortly : Befldes Mufitians (Poets in the firft place) and Painters : In which lafl mention'd art I heare you are excellent, though all this while fo filent. Dai. I boaft no (kill or praftife Madam : but I P 2 have 2 1 2 The Court Begger. have drawne fome pieces that have been worth my paines in my Rewards. Sir. I muft commend their ingenuity for whom you tooke thofe paines. But (where I left) I muft make ufe of wits, of arts, and aftions. Sw. Here in your houfe Madam, I would be glad to fee the A6lors, but I faw 'em at their own too lately : for I loft my purfe there, no matter let it go. There was 15. pound in't tho ! Cit. Sprecious ! How now ! my Fob has been fubd to day of fix pieces, and a dozen fhillings at leaft. Nothing but a bowd groat left as I hope for my Grannums bleffing. Con. Sure you have been in fome ill company, Cit. Pox of ill company I fay. My watch is gone out of my Pocket too o'th right fide. Dai. You rofe o' the wrong fide to day it feemes, were you in no crowd or quarrell } Cit. I never was in any quarrell i'my life. I alwayes run from 'em. Cou. I dare fweare thou doft. Cit. I onely ftood to day at the Coranto-fliop to read the laft great news ; and I was hoop'd in I remember by fome that feem'd to wonder as much as I. Dai. Then certainly there was a cut-purfe amongft 'em. Cit. rie go to honeft Moll about it prefently. Sw. But firft flay and heare my Lady tho'. Cou. I Madam you were fpeaking of the ufe you would make of Poet, Painter, Mufick, A6lor and the like. Str. True favorite for a Mafque that I intend to have fhortly, }'OU fliall performc the poeticall part, your fervant Citzvit the Muficall. And by your skill and dire6lions the Painters office for the fccnes. Dancers and fpeakcrs I have in ftore. Siv. The Court Begger. 213 Sw. I muft be fomething too tho', muft I not Madam ? Str. Marry and thanke you too fir. Enter Philomel. Now your Newes. Phil. Sir Andrezv Mendicant defires to fee you Madam. Str. You fhould have told him I would not be feene by him. PJi. I told him you were bufy. But hee fayes hee is to fpeake with you upon a weighty bufmeffe from the Court. Sir. Tis the Court-begger. You know him favorite. Goe not away, I'le bring him in amongft you, And (as you love me) put fome ridiculous proje6ls to him. Exit. Dai. What's that fir Andrew Mendicant} doe you know him well .■' Cour. Thou askeft ftill a queftion like a guilty perfon, with a look refembling feare upon thy face. Dai. My countenance is too blame then ; not my confcience. Cit. I'le tell you what he is. Sw. Still anfwering others queftions .■" Cit. He is a Knight that hanckers about the Court, ambitious to make himfelfe a Lord by begging. His braine is all Proje6ls, and his foule nothing but Court-fuits. He has begun more knavifli fuits at Court, then ever the Kings Taylor honeftly finifh'd, but never thriv'd by any : fo that now hee's almoft fallen from a Pallace Begger to a fpittle one. His bufmeffe to my Lady now can be nothing but to borrow money to buy a paire of whecles to fct fome Proje6l a going to Court for a Monopoly. P 3 Sw. 214 The Court Bcggcr. Sw. Thou wert in halt eene now to looke after thy money; but and thy Life lay on't thou nuiit ftay to abufe a man hehinde his back, who is a noble Gentleman thou knowft, and I ] ave iiearii. yet (fpeake in thy confcience) wouldfl thou not bi beaten now ? Cou. Forbeare, they come. Enter Strangelove, Mendicant. Str. Sir, fmce it is requefted by thofe great onc> Whofe power cannot command me in this cafe (For tis my charity and not my duty) I am content that the mad Ferdina?id Shall fojourne in my houfe for his recovery. Men. Tis thought you were the ground-work o'' his frenfy The Doctors therefore mov'd their honours to it For that your frequent prefence may be hclpfull Towards his care. Str. He fliall have it then Towards the expiation of the crime They charge me with. But in cafe fir Andrew He fhould be cur'd by this meancs, I fhould thc;i Croffe you in fortune and your future hopes Of his cflate ; which you have beg'd you fay If he recover not. Men. I muft leave that to fortune Madam. Str. Will you be pleas'd fir to take notice of Thefe Gentlemen my friends. They may be ufeful! {Salute. For they have all proje6live braines I tell you. Men. Pray of what nature are your Projc(rt«; Gentlemen .'' Con. Sir my afTcflion leanes much to Poetr}', efpecialy the Draviviatick. Men. Writing of ftrange Playes } Con. I am glad I fpeake fir, to your underfland- in£. The Court Bcggcr. 215 jn-jr. And my proje6l is that no Playes may be .uiniittod to the Stage, but of their making who I'rofcfrc or indeavour to h'vc by the quahty : That no Courtiers, Divines, Students at Law, Lawyers- clcarks, Tradefmen or Prentifes be allow'd to uxite 'cm, nor tiie Works of any lay-Poet whatfoever to be rccciv'd to the Stage, though freely given unto the Actors, nay though any fuch Poet fhould give .1 fumme of money with his Play, as with an Apprentice, unleffe the Author doe alfo become IjQund that it fhall doe true and faithfull fervice for a whole Terme. Moi. Here's a trim bufineflc towards, and as idle as the Players going to Law with their Poets. Con. I have another fir, to procure a Patent for my felfe to have the onely privilcdge to give in- llruftions to all the aflors in the City, (efpecially ilic younger fort) the better to enable them to fpcake their parts emphatically and to the life. Mai. You were bcft take hcede in time tlicn liiat )'c)u well prcferve your own voycc, for fcare you doc a fpoylc among 'em in teaching 'cia to itler in unfavory tunes. Doe I come hither to be mock'd t Siu. Will you heare mine though .'' I am a Countrey Gentleman, young, hcalthfull and lull)-. I heare complaints of barrenneffe in the City ; and f men that cannot get their wives with child ; Get iiic but a Patent for't Pie undertake by my felfe .■'nd deputies (provided that the woman be found -nd handfome) to make them multiply, and upon 'eafonable conditions : we will deale with the rich I'jr money, and the poore for charity. Men. This is fooliflier then tother. Doe you abufe me Gentlemen } *^w. Is that a wife man's queflion .' vou cannot •cl! th'o. " VOL. I. P4 Cit. 2 1 6 TJie Court Bcggcr. Cit. We have our pr6je6ls too Sir. Men. I would have yours firft, you fecme a civill and fubftantiall Gentleman. Dai. In more private if you pleafe Sir. Men. I like well his refcrvedneffe. Dai. Sir I am a Piclu re-drawer Limner, or Painter (if you pleafe) and would gladly purchafc authority, by my felfe and deputies, for the paintin" of all the Kings, and Queenes-head fignes for Taverns, Innes, Ale houfcs, and all Houfes and Shops of Trade throughout the Kingdome upon this ground that they draw and hang up their royall Images for fignes in fo hideous maniici that men bleffe themfelves to fee't. Men. I marry this hangs upon fome ground. But are you an cxquifite workeman in that art fir? Dai. I am an Artifl in that miftery fir, and hav. drawn fome of his Majefhies Piclures (by cop[)y onely but) fo to the life, that Gentlemen haw- kneel'd to 'em for fuites, and knight-hoods. Me)i. Indeed fir ! Dai. Yes fir, and great Lords I have pi6lur'd f" powerful!}', the'r own followers fodainly ruflii:: , into the room have ftarted back, and folcmnl} ftood bare to 'em as they hung o' the walls. Men. 1ft poffible! Dai. I drew a fterne Judge, and a civill La\vy;.r fo to the life, that after their corps were in tin Grave, a man durft not looke upon their pi6lurL- without a bribe, or double fee in's hand. Men. I doe admire you ! Dai. I ha' drawn Ladies too, with that allurin; beauty, that men have lov'd their dead pi(fturL.~. for their painted lookes, more then their livin.: perfons for all their vertues. ]}Jen. Thou boy! introth you abufe mc n^'.. merrily Gentlemen. Goc. ^'^ The Court Beggcr. 217 Sir. An excellent fellow : I like him for that .fancy more then all the reft. Cit. Pray hearc my projc61; too fir? Str. Yes good fir Andrew, you fliall not part fo abruptly. Cit. Mine is a good common wealths bufincffe, againft the common Plague, that raignes i' th' City of Pickpockets, and Cut-purfes. I my fclfe ha' bin robb'd to day, and am going to a good member that deales in private for the recoveries of fuch goods : One that fhall undertake if you'l but get a I'atent, for a Cutpurfe-hall, or Office, to helpe all men to their owne againe, allowing but the Tithes of their Loffes, and freeing the offending parties. Men. Fie, fie. Here's tithing indeed. Cit. Provided that notice be brought to the Off^.cc within foure and twenty houres after any fuch loffc. Mc7i. Enough, enoucrh. Cit. Wee may by the fame courfe fecure the Counties too, and make the hangman hang him- fclfe. Men. Let every man be wife enough to looke to his purfe, and there will be no Cut-purfcs, nor need of your patent. Sw. As wife a man as you may lofe his purfe tho', as I ha' done my fclfe in a crow'd. i^Icn. He puts me in mind of a crowd I was in once to day of company I lik'd not ha . I'or heaven 'tis gone : And I dare not difcover it for being lauglit at. ton. It feemes none of your Projects will paffe v.ith you fir Andreiv. Str. Come fir, they are but (as you faid) merry \vith you. ^len. Be you merry with them good Madam, you know the ferious worke I canic about. In which 2 1 8 TJie Court Begger. which I fodainly fliall prcfume to give you a re- vifite. Sir. Pray do fir Andrew, bring your Mad-man. My garden Lodgings fliall be his bedlem. Come gentlemen tis Dinner-time. Coil. We are your waiters Madam. Exeunt Omjtes. ACT III. SCENE I. Enter Philomel, Mendicant, Do6lor. Ph.'^ I ''Hefe are the Lodgings, that my Lady X t or your diftrafted patient. (appointed Men. Like you 'cm Doctor. Docl. Exceeding well. Excufe me Gentlewoman That now intrcat your abfcncc. Ph. Willingly. I am not taken with the fight you bring : For I fee mad-folkes enough every day. Exit. Docl. Here fct him downe. Unbind him, and unblind him. {Ferdinand brought in a Fer. Am. I then taken prifoner in the North.'' {chairc Wounded, difarm'd and bound .'' I fhall {bound and be ranfom'd. {hooded, &c. To which of your rcbcllioufly ufurp'd Caftles ha' you brought me .-* you fir Presbiter, That better can piignare then orare, And fo abjure all dutj- and allegiance Men. Hce takes you for a Northcrne Paftor Mr. Dodor. Docl. No matter what, let him run out his fancy. Fer. You were bcft to ufe me well ; and like a fjuldicr Order will elfe be tane (though you know none.) Doa. TJic Court Begger. 2 1 9 Docl. You fhall have all beft ufage fir. Fer. And ufe my horfe well too, and let my horfe and armor Be decently preferv'd and feene forth-comming At my redemption. Doa. With all beft care fir. Fer. For I fhall foone be fent for, or fetch'd off With ruine of your countrey 'bout your eares. Docl. You fliall have all content the countrey yeilds fir. Fer. I fhall have Oat-bread, Ale, and Bag-pipe.s, ftiall I } Do£l. If you'l be merry fir. Fer. Merry ! why not .'' come let's ha' cards ; and you and I to cribbidge For an od hundred pound, I meane not Scotch, But fterling Englifh pieces, where's your money .'' All gone in Ammunition, and charge Military. Do£l. rie finde }-ou money enough. Fer. O here's a third man, let's then to Gleeke. Men. Crown Gleeke fir, if you pleafe. Fer. Crown Gleeke ! no more .'' You feeme to be a thrifty Covenanter To play but at crowne Gleeke, whole piece Gleeke or nothing. Men. High as you pleafe fir, wee'l find money enough, And pay us but our buyings. Fer. Sir, you muft bate me Aces. You will play Tib and Tom. Don. All i' the Cards fir. Fer. Away with cards. Bring dice, fct all at hazard, And though I lofe all, I have yet a proje6l That at the end o' th' war, and the great fitting Shall fetch all in agen. But O my Alufe ! How dare I fo ncgle6t thy infpirations .-• Give 220 The Court Begger, Give me Pen, Like and Paper. Doa. All's ready. Fer. Now will I write, nor will I emulate Ovids fmoth vaine, or Petraks buskind ftile. Nor Laura y nor Coriiina did deferve To have their prayers written in fuch Verfe As i'le beftow on her that I adore. Liften to me you bleft Intelligences, And, Pkebus, ftay thy courfe to heare me fmg Her prayfes, for whofe love th' inamor'd Gods Would leave their proper feates, and in ftolne fhapes, Converfe with mortalls, your foule-ravifhing fpheres Send forth your fweetell; harmony whilft I fmg But O fhee is difdainfull ; and her fcorne Hath blotted all the glory of her praife, Away, away with all. Doh. Now fir, doe you obferve the roote of his Difeafe .? Men. I gueffe at it, know you the remedy .■* Fer. Difeafe ! what's that ? who is difeas'd .? who wants a Remedy ? Are you fir a Phifitian ? Men. This Gentleman is, and brings you remedy, be you patient. Do^. O you will move him. Fer. .You are a brace of Quacks, That tie your knowledge unto dayes and houres Mark'd out for good or ill i' th' Almanack. Your beft Receipts are candy for a cold ; And Carduus Bcncdiclus for an ague, Could you give life as yE/culapiiis Did to unjuflly flainc Hippolitiis, You could prefcribe no remedy for me. Goe fludy Gallen, and Hippocrates, And when your rare fimplicities have found Simples to cure the Lunacy of Love, Compofe TJie Court Begger. 221 Compofe a potion, and adminifter't Unto the Family 2iV Amjlerdavi. D06I. rie Phifick you to morrow and allay The heate of this ftrong fit, or Leach it out. Enter fir Raphael. Ra. I have venter'd to this houfe againe, affur'd That now the humerous Lady is from home Forgetting not her Love-trick put upon me Which file already boafts to my difgrace For which I may requite her Ladyfhip, How dos your patient ? a fleepe ! That's well. Men. No hee's but filent fir, and it is well That he is fo, fo long. Ra. The Lords in honourable regard unto His health dire6led me to vifite him. Per. Who's that ? Ra. Do you not know me fir "^ Fre. You are (I tak't) the Ghofb oi Dionifius The great tirannicall Court-fchole-mafter. Ra. Your Friends at Court commend them to you Sir. Fer. What hither, unto hell } Extend their loves So far, to finde me out.-* Pray let 'em know That here's a trobled world in want of Statefmen. But tell the youthes and beauties there, they never Shall finde a happier opportunity To raife a new Plantation. They'l drive all Before 'em here : For pride is at a ftand ; Fafhions are all worne out, and no invention For new here to be found : all beauty's loft ; Nor have the greatcft Ladies here the a6l To make fo nuich as their poorc Chambcrmayds : Let 'em come downe, as many of the Gallants As are made weary of their Wives or Miftreffes ; And, of thofc Wives and Miftreffes, as many As can their husbands, or their fervants fpare : And what a yeare of Holy-dayes, a Jubile Shall 222 The Court Beggcr. Shall we have in hell then ? Ha' old Lad ! Ra. What a wilde fancie's this ! Docl Croffe it not good fir. Ra. Pray give mee leave to touch it though, a little. Fer. But above all, finde out the Lady Strange- love That humorous Madam, and tell her from me, The many Lovers fhee has fent before her Into thefe fhades {where we can find no torments Like thofe that fhee infli6led) have prevail'd With the great Queene Proferpina, that fhee Shall be in place next to her royall perfon. Ra. The Lady Strangelove \ you are in her houfe fir, Where doe you thinke you are .-' or who you are ? Pray call your felfe to mind fir, are not you The noble Cavalier and hopefull Courtier The moft accomplifli'd Knight fir Ferdi?iando ? Docl. Forbeare fir, you will move him ftrongly elfe. Ra. I have authority for what I do fir, Can you forget your fdlfe fir, or negleft The bounteous fortunes, that the Court and King- dome Have in ftore for you, both for pafl Atchievements, And for the large endowments of court-vertue Are found ftill growing in you, ftudied and pra(5tis'd So to the life, as if you were built up Vertues own Manfion, on her foure firme pillars .'* — Men. I h.opc he cannot flatter him into's wits When 'tis the way to foole men out of 'cm. Ra. The Wifdome, Juftice, Magnanimity, And temperance of court you are exaftly F"ram'd and compos'd of, and indued with all The excclencies that may adorne a man By Nature, P'ortunc, Art and Induftry! And TJie Court Begger. 223 And all this glorious light to be eclips'd ; And fuch Divine perfe6tions feeme to fleepe ? Fer. Pray fir your eare. Ra. Sir, moft attentively. Fer. What do you thinke of Salsbury fteeple fir, For a fit hunting fpeare t'incounter with The whore of Babilion ? might I not firke her thinke you ? Men. Your Do6lrine dos not edify fir Raphael. Fer. Is Oratour Dcmojlines growne dumbe O'th' fodaine ? what ! no anfwer ? give me a Knife He is but tongue-tied. Ra. Guard me Divinity. Do£l. I told you what you would doe. Men. Patience good fir. Fer. Patience in tortures .-^ Docl. Helpe here fodainly ! Enter Servants. Fer. Do you fally forth in troupes .-' Have I no troupe .-* Give me my horfe and armes, and come a hundred. Docl. Wee'l arme and horfe you, fince y'are fo unruly, Away with him into his Bed-chamber. Fer. O doe you make me then your Knight o' th' fhire A tun o' Wine for that. Shoulder your Knight, advance your Knight, beare him out. \Manent Men. A I. A Ferdina)id, a Ferdinand, &c. {fir Rap. Men. This now to me is Mufick, Golden-chimes That rings all in with an affur'd advantage, How now Sir Raphael! Frighted.-' Ra. In all my difputations all my travailes, And all confpiracies that have bin had Againft me, never met I an incounter By man, or fpirit that I feard fo much. Yet here's another fury. Enter 224 T^^^ Court Begger. Enter Strajigelovc. Sir. By what opprefTion or tiranny (for Law I'm fure could never do't) is my houfe here Confifcated or ufurp'd, and I become your flave ? Men. How Madam ? Str. Your flave, lay your commands on mee, what drudgery doe you appoint me to ? Ra. Shee's mad too. Men. Did not your Ladyfliip give way ? Str. To make my houfe a hell ? The noyfe of Bedlem is foft mufick to't. Could your Proje6lorfhip find no houfe elfe To make a mad man madder in but mine ? And me as mad as he too with the trouble. Men. I was no principle in't good Madam. Exit. Str. Was it your plot then fir Philofophajierf That fo you might under pretext of reading Philofophy to him, to cure his madneffe Make your adreffe to me to profequte Your Love-fuite when I thought I had anfwer'd you, But if you muft proceede, o'recome me if you can, Yet let me warne you to, take heede withall You pull not a difeafe unto you, that may By your ungovern'd haft poft into Your grave : for I fhall prove a torment to you, Though you'l take no denyall, take yet a warning. Ra. I take it to forfake your houfe ; and never More to refort where madneffe raignes. Did I Make love to you .-' Str. Pardon mee vertuous fir, it is my love to you that tortures mee into this wild diftra6lion. O fir Raphael. Ra. Now vertue guide me. I will fliun this place More then I would the Spanifh Inquifition. Str. I fiiall in time be rid of all fuch Guefts, And have the liberty of mine owne houfe With mine own company, and to mine own ends Where The Court Begger. 225 Where are you PhiP. I were but dead if I had not this wench to foole withall fometimes. Enter Phil. Phil. Madam. Str. I muft be a little ferious with you, fhut the Phi. Now am I call'd into corre6lion, (dore When fhee is vext and wants the company Shee likes, then come I into queftion, 'Tis common among Ladies with their women. Str. Why that down looke, as if you meant to fetch An anfwer, or excufe out of your Apron-ftrings Before you are charged or queftion'd .'' what new Has part of late t (fault PJii. Doe you read any Madam Upon my face or lookes ? I never was in love Much with my face, nor over hated it. But if I It had upon't, or in it, any trefpaffe (thought Againfl your Ladyfhip (my heart being cleare) Thefe Nayles fhould claiv it out. Teare. Str. Nay be not paffionate Phil I know you cannot Forget the care I have had of you ; nor fhould you Difbruft me in the promifes I have made you, Bearing your felfe according to your covenant Phil, Of which one Article is to laugh with me. Ph. Go, you are fuch a Lady, ha, ha, ha. Str: Now thou comft to me wench : hadft forgot ? Phi. You faid you would be ferious. Str. Doft not thou know my ferioufneffe is to- laugh in private. And that thou art bound to flir that humour in me } There's but two things more condition'd in thy fervice ; To do what I bid thee, and tell me the truth In all things that I askc thee. (elfe. Phi. I Madam, you had never known that fame Q Str. 226 The Court Begger. Sir. Of the clap thou hadft i'the Countrey e're I took thee, But hafl thou faithfully kept thine own e're fince ? Phi. Yes mofl feverely Madam on your promife — Str. Well we will have a husband then to folder up the old crack, I have already made my choyce for you : Your fweete-heart Cit-wit makes moft fuite to you, And has a good Eftate, and wit enough Too for a husband, and a handfome perfon. PJii. I finde no fault in all that. But he is So bafe a coward, that he may be foone Beaten out of his wit and money. Str. But if he fhould prove valiant ! Phi. If he were valiant now I could fay fomething, But to w^ait for growing to't were fuch a loffe of time. Str. What fay to Szuayn-wit ? Phi. Hee's the others extreme. I might feare him but never love him. Str. What think you of my fpeciall favorite Mr. Courtwit? Phi. As of a Courtier Madam, that has tafted So much of all waters, that when he has a fountaine Hee'l be too jealous of it. (of his owne And feard that every man will drink ofs cup When perhaps none dares touch it, were I it. Str. What fay to Dainty then the curious Limner.-' Phi. I am bound from lying. Madam bee's the man. Str. Well i'le take thy caufe in hand wench : But yet we are not merry. I am inclin'd mofl jovially to mirth me thinks. Pray Jove feme good be towards. Laugh or i'le pinch you, till you doe. Phi. Ha, ha, ha, ha, Madam, ha, ha, ha, O the pifture-drawer ! ha, ha, ha. Str. I, come, the Pi6lurc drawer. Phi. The Court Begger. 227 Phi. O, I love drawing and painting, as no Lady- better, who for the moft part are of their occupation that profeffe it. And fhall I tell all Madam ? Str. By all meanes PJiil. now fliee's enter'd. Phil. I hope I am handfome enough too. For I have heard that Limners or Pi6lure-drawers, doe covet to have the faireft and beft featur'd wives, (or if not wives, Miftreffes) that they can poffibly purchace, to draw naked Pi6lures by, as of Diana, Venus, Andromeda, Leda, or the like, either vertuous or lafcivious ; whom they make to fit or ftand naked in all the feverall poftures, and to lie as many wayes to helpe their art in drawing, who knowes how I may fet his fancy a worke .-' and with modefty enough. We were all naked once, and muft be fo againe. I could fit for the naked Shepherdeffe, with one Leg over the tother Knee, picking the Thorne out of her Foote moft neatly, to make the Satyre peepe under. Str. Well thou fhalt have him. Boy. Miftris Philomel. Within. Str. Let in the Boy. Nov/ fir your newes .'' Boy. The mad Knights Do6lor Madam intreats to fpeake with you. Str. Now feekes he my affiftance in his cure. Boy. And Mr. Court-wit, and the other Gentle- men are below. Str. Goe you and entertaine the Gentlemen, while I confult with the Do6lor, let him enter. Enter Doctor. Now Mr. Do6lor! you come to aske my counfell I know for your impatient Patient. But let me tell you firft, the moll learned Authors, that I can turne over; as Diofcorides, Avicen, Galen, and Hyppocratcs arc much difcrepant in their opinions concerning the remedies for his difeafc. Do^. Madam Q 2 Str. 228 The Court Begger. Str. Therefore I truft you'l pardon my weak- neffe, if my opinion jumps not altogether with your judgement. Doc. Madam, my purpofe was not Str. My purpofe is to advife you though, that, if his Frenzie proceed from love as you conje6lure, that you adminifter of the rootes of Hellebore, deftill'd together with Salt-peter, and the flowers of blind Netles, I'le give you the proportions, and the quantity is to take. Doc. Miftake not me good Madam Str. But if his Malady grow out of ambition, and his over weening hopes of greatneffe (as I conjec- ture) then he may take a top of Cedar, or an Oake- apple is very foveraigne with the fpirit of Hempfeed. Do. Madam, I feeke no counfell in this cafe, my cunning is Str. To let me know, that that part of my houfe which I allow you is too little for you. Do. Shee's furely mad. Str. But you mufb claime poffcffion of the reft. You are come to warne me out on't ; are you not ? Doc. Miftake not fo good Madam. Str. Or do you call my attendance on his perfon, by way of a Nurfe-keeper .'' I can do little fervice. Doc. For my part Madam I am forry we are made the trouble of your houfe, and rather wifh me out on't then your favour. But if your Lady- fhip will bee pleas'd to entertaine with patience the little I have to fay. Sira. Come to it quickly then. Doc. Firft, let me tell you Madam, as 'tis manifcfl You were the caufe of his diftraclion, Y'are bound in charity to yeild fuch mcanes (With fafety of your honor and eftate) As you may render for his reftoration Which of all the earthly meanes depends on you If The Court Bcggcr. 229 If I know any thing in my profeffion. Str. Come to the point, you'ld have me vifit him. Do'c. True Madam : for a fight of you, fhall more Allure his reafon to him, then all medicine Can be prefcrib'd. Str. By your favour fir, you fay Saving my honor and eftate I am bound, But may I with the fafety of my Life, And limbes, and a whole skin dare venture. Doc. My life o' that. Str. You might more fafely lay Lives of a hundred Patients. Doc. Now hee's calme, Now fhall he fee you, but at moft fecure And modeft diftance. Str. Come for once i'le truft you. Exit. Enter Swayn-wit, and Cit-wit. Siv. Come out into the Garden here ; and let them talke within, I fay he fliall talke with her ; ' and his belly full, and doe with her too, her belly full, for all thou : an honeft difcreet Gentleman, and thou a coward and a cockfcombe. Befides he has an art and quality to live upon, and maintaine her Lady-like, when all thy money may be gone. And yet thou prat'ft o' thy two thoufand pound at ufe, when thou and thy money too are but an afle and's load tho'. Cit. Well, you may fpeake your pleafure. This is no caufe to fight for. Sw. I'le make thee fight, or promife to fight with me, or fomebody elfe before we part, or cut thee into pieces. Enter Coiirt-ivit. Cou. But tell me ferioufly doft thou love my Ladies woman fo well as to marry her, and fuffer the Pifturc-drawer now to court her privately, and perhaps to draw and carry her from thee .-' Q 3 Cit. 230 The Court Begger. Cit. Why he here will have it fo you fee, and pull'd mee out. Sw. It is to doe a cure upon thee, coward, Cit. Coward ! pifh ! a common Name to men in buffe and feather. I fcorne to anfwer to't. Sw. Why doft thou weare a Sword } only to hurt mens feet that kick thee .'' Cou. Nay you are too fevere. Sw. Pray hold your peace. I'le jowle your heads together, and fo beat ton with tother elfe. Why doft thou were a Sword I fay .-' Cit. To fight when I fee caufe. Cou. Now he fayes fomething, yet, and may be curable. Sw. What is a caufe to fight for .'' Cit.\ am not to tell you that fir. It muft be found out and given me before I ought to take notice. Cou. You may fafely fay for Religion, King or Countrey. Sw. Darft thou fight for Religion .'' fay. Cit. Who that has any Religion will fight I fay ? Sw. I fay thou haft none. Speake, haft thou any } Cit. Truly, in this wavering world I know not how to anfwer. Sw. La you. Hee'l fay he has no King neither, rather then fight. Cou. Why if he will not fight for him he is no Subject, and no Subjc6l no King. Cit. I thanke you fir, I would ha' faid fo. Sw. O tiiou wouldft make a fpeciall Souldicr now ! Cit. Well fir, all arc not choyce doggs that run, fome are taken in to make up the cry. Sw. And for thy Countrey, I dare fweare thou wouldft rather run it then fight for't. Cit. Run my Countrey I cannot, for- 1 was borne i'the City. I am no clown to run my Countrey. Sw. The Court Begger. 2^ i Siv. Darft thou tell me of clowns thou cockney chicken-heaited whelp thou ? Cit. Forbeare good fir, there are countre\- Gentlemen as well as clownes, and for the rank I honour you. Szv. Sirrah you h'e, ftrike me for that now ; or I will beat thee abhominably. Coil. Up to him man : wilt thou fuffer all ? Cit. I would but Stv. You lie I fay againc. Cit. I thinke I doe, I thinke I doe, and why fliould I maintaine an evill caufe ? Szv. The wench thou lov'ft and doateft on is a whore. Cit. Sir, if fhe be 'tis not my fault, nor hers : fomcbody elfe made her fo then I warrant you. Hut flioulJ auijthcr man tell me fo ! Szv. What then } Cit. I would fay as much to him as to you Nor indeed is any mans report of that a sufficient caufe to provoke mee unleffe fhee her fclfe confefl'd it, -uid then it were no caufe at all. ^w. Here's a true City wit now. Lit. I fliould lia\c wit fir, and am acountcd a wit within the walls ; I am fure my Father weis Mafler of his compain^, and of the wifeft company Con. What company's that } (too i'the city. Cit. The Salters fir. Vox fal fapit ovinia you Know. Sxv. Your Father was a cuckold tho', and you *"ic Son of a whore. Coil. Fight now or you'l die infamous, was your 'lother a whore } •Stf. Deny't and darft, fay, was flie not } Cit. Comparatively fliee might be in refpe6l of ynie holy woman, -the Lady Raiii/tj, Miftris '-'ithcrine Stitbbs and fuch, ha, ha. Is that a caufe ? " VOL I. Q 4 Cou. 232 The Court Bcgger. Coil. What ! not to fay your Mother was a whore ? Cit. He may fay his pleafurc. It hurts her not : fhee is dead and gone. Befides, at the befi: flicc was but a woman, and at the worft fhee might have her frailties hke other women. And is that a caufe for mee to fight for tlie dead, when wee arc forbidden to pray for'em .'' Coti. But were your Mother Hving now, what would you fay or doe .'' Cit. Why, I would civilly ask her if fhe were a whore } If fhe confefs'd it, then he were in the right, and I ought not to fight againft him : for my caufe were naught. If flie deny'd it, then he wcr in an error, and his caufe were naught, and I woulJ not fight, 'twere better he fhould live lu repent ii; errour. Sw. Nay, now if I do not kill thee let nic b: hang'd for idlcneffe. Dratu. Cit. Hold I am unprepar'd. Siu. I care not— unleffe thou fwcare prefcntl), and without all equivocation upon tliis fword Cit. Scabberd and all 1 pray fir, Tlie cover c! the book is allowd in courts to fwearc upon. Sw. Well fir, now you fliall fweare to challenge the next that wrongs you. Jhcatlics it. Cit. Yes, if the wrong give me fufficient caufe. Coic. Caufe agen ! fuppofe that fellow witliin fhould take your wench from you } which vcr>' likely he has done already : for I left 'em clofc on a couch together Kiffing and Cit. Gi' me the booke, i'le have her from him. or him from her if he be without her belly, or Kill him if he be within her. Sw. Tis well a caufe may be found at lafl tho. Con. I like a man, whom neither Lie, Kick. Battoune, fcandall. Friends, or Parcnt.s, the wron.r;? of Countrey, King or Religion can move, that will. yet. The Court Beggcr. 233 vet, figHt for his wench. Thou wilt be one of the iti ffc blades o' the time I fee, SuK A wench is a moving caufe : U>i/trn Str. Helpe, helpe, herehelpe ha Above. Sw. Why doft not draw and run in upon 'em ? Cit. After you I will fir. Szu. A pox upon thee art thou down agen ? Cii. No fir, I am drawn you fee. Str. Help, help, a rape, a rape, murder, help ! Sw. Con. Tis time to fly then. {Draw all Enter Dainty {Ids /word draivne) and PJiilouiel. Cit. I come my PJiilovicl. CoH. Wiiat's the matter Phin Dai. What cry was that .'' Sii'. Was it not you that caus'd it fir .'' Phi. Was it not here ? Cit. Was it not you that cry'd .'' Str. Is there helpe, helpe, helpe .'' Above. Phi. O tis my Lady in the Madmans chamber. Is her mirth come to this } Szt'. Where, wliich way .-* Phi. Here, here the dore's made fa ft. {Exf. omncs Sw. rie brcake it open. {Pret. Cit. his fivord. {drawn. Doc. Help here, help the Lady ; help the Lady. {Doctor looks out above. Cit. We are a comming, you fliall have help enough 1 warrant, what's the matter .-• you fliall not lack for helpe {Florijh his /-word. Per. Away Mednfa. Hence, thou haft trans- formd me. Stone, ftone, I am all ftone. Bring ■Tiorter and make a bul-wark of me. Above nnfeoi Cit. O that's the Mad-man ! How madly he 'alkcs ! Per. Hold me not down. Cit. 2 34 '^^'-^ Court Bcgger. Cit. Stones to make a bul-warke quoth a ! If he had but to make a brace of Demy-culvering bullets, they were thumpers I thinke. Fer. Hold me not down, but reare me up, and make me my own ftatue. Enter Strangelove, Swain-zvit, Co7irt-wit, Dainty, Phil. Str. Was ever fuch a pra6lice ? Cou. A meere accident of madneffe. Str. I fay it was a pra6life in the Do6lor. Dai. Yet he calld out for help. Str. You had broke up the dore firft. That was but to colour his trechery. Sw. A new way, and a very learned one I pro- mife you ; to cure madneffe with a plaifler of warme Lady-gutts. Cit. He would ha'had a mad bout with my Lady it feemes. He would ha' vented his madnes into her. And fhe could ha' drawn better then the Leaches. Co2i. If you believe this Madam, tho' fir Ferdi- nand be by his madneffe excufable in the attempt, you ought to be reveng'd upon the Do6lor. Sw. Let's cut him into pieces Madam. Str. rie think upon fome way to make him a dreadfuU example to all the Pandarean Do6lors i'the Towne. Come in Gentlemen, and helpe mee with your advices. Cit. You fliall want no advife Madam. No ftrength. Let's goe fir. {Hef?iatchcth Phil, from {Dainty, ivJio took her by the arm. Ph. What mean you Mr. Cit-zvit ? Cit. I have fworne. Therefore I fay no more, but I have fworne. Exeunt Oumes. ACT The Court Begger. 235 ACT IV. SCENE I. Enter Frederick, Gabriel. Fre. '' I ""Hou art fo honeft, that I am afliam'd X The vice of Anger blinded fo my Reafon, As not to fee through thy tranfparent breaft A true and noble heart : fuch as becomes A Kinfman and a friend to her I love ; I can fee now, and read thy integrity, And, by the light of that th'inhumane falfe-hood Of that Court-monfter, that compared piece Of Rapine, pride and Luft. Gab. Yet this is he That did afpire to be a glorious Courtier. Fre. Courtier .'' A meere vain glorious impoflure ; Pretending favour, having nothing leffe. Witneffe his want of Merit. Merit only It is that fmoothes the brow of Majefty, And takes the comfort of thofe precious beauties Which fliine from grace Divine : and hee's a Traytor (No way to ftand a courtier) that to feed His Lufts, and Riots, works out of his Subje6ls The meanes, by forging grants of the Kings favour. Gab. What my niafter has fufifer'd by his forgeries I know to be the Shipwrack even of all Except his Daughter, and what his ayme at her Was I thinke appeares to you ; And what fhe might Have fuffer'd by't we both may gueffe : onely we hope Her vertue would have bin a guard to her beauty. Fig. Tis plaine he never lov'd her vertuoufly That 236 TJic Court Begger. That is fallen mad for another. Gab. That madneffe is his fate ; which renders him into my mafters hands to reftore all agen. I, note the Juflice of it. Fre. But as his fortune by the others ruine Shall be advanc'd, I fhall be more reje6led. Gab. That foule miftruft much misbecomes a Love Reje(5led fir .-" by whom .-* Chariffa's confbant to you, And time will cleare his frownes : and put you on Now, the fame confidence you had before ; His wanting fortune rais'd a ftorme againft you, Your noble friend Sir Raphael has already By learned reafons and court- oratory Prevayl'd for you to vifit her : and now Y'are come within the verge o'th'houfe, do you fhrinke .'' See, a good Omen, they iffue forth to meet you. Enter Mendicafit, fir Raphael, Charijfa. Men. rie heare no more on't fir, and am much forry That fo much Lip-labour is fpent already Upon fo vaine a Subje6l. Give me leave then To wonder at your light inconftancy, Your want of refolution : yea of judgement. Gab. He is flown off agen. Ra. Did you not give me leave to fend for him ; Who, now is come to tender his affe6lion Unto your Daughter .-' Men. Did not you firfb promife {Ferd. Char. To give affurance of fit join6lure for her, {and Gab. Proportionable to her dowry, which {afide You now are flarted from ? Ra. I underftood not Nor can yet undcrftand more of her dowry Then a thoufand pound which her Unkle left her, And The Court Begger. 2 37 And anfwerably to that I will make good her join6lure. Mc7i. O you are fhort fir, I meane to make her worth ten thoufand more Out of my eftate in the mad Fcdifimid. Another ten thoufand to redeeme my Land, Ten thoufand more i'le keep in bank for purchace. Ra. A judgement's fallen upon him : Hee's mad too ; Struck lunatique with his o'er-weening hopes Sprung froii. the others mifery. Men. And fo fir, as you came you may depart : For 'leffe you bring a thoufand pound /^r annum T'affure upon her, iTiee's no wife for you. Fre. O fir, you had better left me in that peace I lately flept in, without any hope Of feeing her againe, then by your fummons To ftartle me back from a quiet death To Kill me thus with Tantalizing tortures. Men. Thank then your learned friend, who fail'd me in His undertaking for you, and for her If walls and locks can hold her, fhee no more Shall tantalize you. Ra. Wherein have I fail'd fir } Men. Sir, in affuring join6lure to her Dowry. Ra. Sir to no poffible dowry you can give her, But you propound the eftate you have i' th' Moon ; When fhall you take poffeffion, thinke you, of your Lordfliip of Lunacy in the Cynthian Orbe .'* Men. I fliall climbe thither fir without the helpe Of your Heaven-fcaling ladder of Philofophy. Ra. Nay then fir heare me. Me7i. What in private fir .-' Pre- Remember, fweet, your vow. Clia. Moft conftantly. And let me conjure you by this. KiJJc. Fre 238 The Court Begger. Pre. And this Cha. That you forget not yours. Gab. Quick, quick ! i'le ftand before you. Cha. And time at length will point us out a After a fhort long-feeming feparation (meanes To meet and reunite our vowes and faiths With greater flrength and fervour. Men. Ha ! i'le part you, Was it for that you whifper'd politick fir ? And couldft thou ftand their fcreene } thou trea- cherous varlet out of my dores. Gab. For what offence } Men. Darft thou expoftulate } Thou death deferving Villaine. Hurts him. And Hufwife get you in : you may depart firs Has your love blinded you } i'le lead you then, Ra. Madneffe at heighth. Alen. Will you along ! Cha. O fir you are unkinde, Love then a wilfull father is leffe blind. Exit. Ra. Friend, has he hurt thee .'' Gab. I am fure I bleed for't. Ra. Why how now Frederick ? defpaire not man. He has vex'd me ; and out of my vexation Shall fpring thy comfort. I will labour for thee, I'le ftudy nothing more then to beguile This watchfull fury ; this Hispcrian Dragon. Say to thy felfe and boldly fhee's thine owne, And for thy meanes {Bajla) let me alone. Pre. You are my noble Patron. Gab. Turn'd away : As I was his fervingman, I am rewarded ; Tis common with us creatures to ferv'd fo : But, as I am no more his fervant, I Am free to vindicate my felfe out of The wrong done to my blood (which is the fame With his,) by him rejected and defpis'd. Enter The Court Begger. 239 Enter Cit-wit. Cit. Sir Andrew Mendicant at home ? Gab. Not to be fpoken with at this time fir. Cit. Pray let him know that the Lady Strangelove Reqiiires him fodainly to remove his Madman Out of her houfe ; or fhee mufl take a courfe Much to his difadvantage. Gab. In good time fir. Cit. This is a furly fellow, and tho' I have fworn The humor of fighting is fcarce warme in me yet, And file advifes him to find a better Do6lor for him, For this has taken a wrong courfe. Gab. Say you fo fir .'' Cit. rie teil you as a fecret. The Phyfitian thought to have cur'd his patient, (who has bin a notable Gamefber at/;z and/?/) between my Ladies legs. If I and two or three more (but chiefly my felfe indeed) had not refcued her, the Do6lor had held the Lady-cow to the Mad-bull. Gab. May I believe this .'' Cit. He thinks I lie now. And fhould he gi' me the lie, the vertue of my Oath were queftionable. Gab. Is this upon your knowledge fir .'' Cit. True upon my life. So farewell honeft friend. Exit. Gab. This may prove fport and bufineffe too. Ra. We will do fomething fodainly. Gab. What if you take me into that fomething too.? I gueffe it is fome fbratagem to beguile The cautious father of his injur'd daughter. Ra. This fellow will betray us. Fre. I will venter All that I have, my fortune in Charijfa On his fidelity, fir his thoughts are mine. Ra. Ct^pid and Mercury favour our defigne. Ex. Om. ACT 240 The Court Begger. ACT IV. SCENE II. Enter Court-wit, and Doflor. (r. Do you move this for a dead man } Ra. No, he lives. Men. Do you pra6life on me .-* Madam where are you t Enter Strange. Ferd. Fred. Chariffa. Gabriel behind. Str. Here fir, and am become your Uflier to fuch guefts As you muft bid moft welcome. {Mend. Ra. She here ! i'm then agen confounded, {(lands Str. Nay fir Raphael, I protcfh we will be {aniazd friends notwithflanding I have outftript you in your plot of matching your Nephew Frederick, here to his love Charijfa. Ra. But is it fo ? Fred. It is, in which I hope fir you are not offended, Who gave me leave by any opportunity To The 'Court Begger. 265 Xo take her, I broke no locks nor walls for her. Cha. I beg your pardon, and your blcffing fir. Ra. And is it fo with you fir Ferdinand ? Ferd. It is, and fir in teftimony of my recovery, I make demand of my eftate : of which you thought your felfe poffeft. Men. What hopes am I fallen from ? and what mifery fallen into ; when the little I have is beg'd for Manflaughter ! Gab. I quit you of that fir. Men. How couldft thou deale fo with me ? Gab. To fhew my gratitude. You overpaid me for all my former fervices, For which I juftly thought I ought you this. Ferd. Nor thinke your Daughter undervalued fir, Three thoufand pound I give him to augment Her fortune in him. Men. Dreames, dreames, All thcfc are waking Dreames. Ferd. All reall truth fir, whither flie you from us } Men. Am I of all defeated ; and by all Abus'd and mock'd .-• IMore roomc there : letmee goe. Ferd. You miftake flrangely. FloriJJi. Str. Harke ! the Revellers. Fer. That come to celebrate your joyes, which wilfully You will not apprehend. Men. Tis all but fhew. Let go, and I will do Something fl^all ad to your delight imediatly. Exit. Str. Let him goe and weare out his fit by him- fclfe. Florijh. Enter Boy, and PJdloincl, as Cupid aiid Venus. Boy. Venus and Cupid, my Mother and I Helpe me. I have it now. Venus ■d.ViA Cupid; my Mother and I Helpe me agen ; Noe, no, no. Veyuis 266 TJie Court Bcgger. Venus and Cupid ; my Mother and I, Let me alone. Venus and Cupid my Mother and I. Ferd. There's an A6lor now ! Fre. How doubtfull of himfelfe ; and yet how perfe6l he was ! Ra. A felfe miftruft is a fure ftep to Knowledge. Sir. Sententious fir Raphel. Ra. Quarrells are ended Madam, Ferd. Come hither Cupid. Phi. From my Italian Mount I did efpy (For what is hidden from a Deity ?) How faintly Hymen did his Office here ]oyn\ng two Lovers with the hand of feare ; Putting his Torch out for obfcurity ; And made the Chamber (which belongs to me) His Temple. But from hence let feare remove. See here, the Champions for the Queene of Love. 2 I. Courage, fent from Mars \ The IlTufes kill. I Sivain. 2 Court. From wife Apollo. And the God, which ftill Infpires with fubtilty, fly Mercury 3 4 3 Dainty. Sends this his Agent. Here's A£livity 4 Cit-ivit. 5 From y/z/z/^r himfelfe; And from her ftore 5 Doclor. Of Spies, the Moon fends Tliis to keepe the dore. With Art of A6lion, now, make good the place, In right of Love to give the Nuptialls Grace. After they have Dancd a while, Ejiter Projectors, brcakcs 'em off. Pro. Lay by your Jolity, forbearc your Sport, And heare a flory fliall inforcc your pitty. Fer. What black Tragedian's this .-' Ra. Some Nuntius fcnt from Hell. Ga. One of my Maflers Minions, a Proje^or. Pro The Court Begger. 267 Pro. You had a Mafter : But to all I fpcakc. Your praftifes have funk him from the Comforts Of all his hopes in fortune, to the Gulfe Of deepe defpaire ; from whence he rofe inflam'd With wild diflraclion and phantaftick fury. Fer. Hee's mad ; is he ? Pro. Mad, and has hang'd himfelfe Cha. Alas my Father. La. How ! hang'd himfelfe ? Pro. All over fir, with draughts of Projeils, Suits, Petitions, Grants, and Pattents, fuch as were The Studies and the Labours of his Life, And fo attir'd he thinks himfelfe well arm'd T'incounter all your fcornes. Enter Mendicant attird all in Patents ; A Wind- mill on his head, and the other Projector. Men. Roome here : a Hall for a Monopolift, You, Common-wealths informers lead me on. Bring me before the great Affembly. See, Fathers Confcript, I prefent all I have For you to cancell. Sw. Here's a brave fliew, and out-fhincs our devife. Men. This is a Patent for the taking of poor JoJin and Barrell-cod alive, and fo to prcfcrve 'em in falt-water for the benefit of the Filhmongcrs. Con. There's fait in this. S^v. I this has fome favour in't. Men. This is a frefh one sir, For the catching, prefervation, and tranfportation of Butter-flies : whereby they may become a native commodity. Con. That's a fubtlc one. Men. This is for profits out of all the Common- Cryes i' th' City, As of Oyfters Codlings— Wood to cleave, Kitching-ftuffe, and the 'thoufand more, even to the Matches for your Tinder-bo.x, ^nd all Forrainers to pay double; And a Fee out of the 268 The Court Begger. the Link-boycs profits. But no cries to efcapc. Tis for a peace. Dai. What if fome fhould cry Murder, murder ? Cit. Or Theeves, theeves .-' Coil. Or Fire, fire } Sw. Or women cry out five Loves a penny ? Men. All all fhould pay. But I fubmit My felfe to your moft honorable cenfure, Cit. What dos he take us for .'' Siv. Powers, Powers ; A lower houfe at leaft. Meyi. And all my patents to be conceal'd. Sw. Our Proje6ls would not take with you, wee'l take yours tho'. Dai. He fliall dance out of 'em : Mufick ! Play out our Dance, we will difrobc you prefently. Cit. Yes, and difmantle his Proje6lors too. They all Dance. In the Dance they pull off his Patents ; And the ProJcHors Clokes, tvho appear e all ragged. A t the end of the Dance the Projectors thrnfl forth.. Per. An excellent Morrall ! The Projects are ail cancel'd, and the Projc(5lors turnd out o' dorcs. Men. True Gallants, and now I am my fclfc agcn, I faw th'event of all with good efleeme. And would as well as you a Madman feeme, And now my blefllngs on your Son and Daughter. Sw. This Bride, Dame Venics here, cooles all this while tho'. Dai. By Mr. Bride-groomes leave, i'le ftirre her blood a little for the good meaning fhee had towards me. Cit. You may doe fo. He dare's not pick her pocket, And for her Maidenhead I dare trufl him tho' he fhould Dance quite out of fight with her. Dance. While they Dar.cc Ra. 'Tis well : And all arc friends, the reflco)!fiy- Per. The Court Begger. 269 Fer. You have my poteftation : and in that, Madam, my faith before thefe noble friends. Str. Upon thofe honourable tearmes fir Ferdi- nando I will be yours. Cit. Sheel' have him, it feemes at laft. Sw. Shee's a wife widdow by't : for fure enough, fhe faw fomething in his mad naked fit, when hee put her to't, to choofe a husband by, wo' not out of her thought yet. What is there more to fay now Madam "i Str. You queftion well. Sw. But to Supper and to bed ? Str. You confider well. Siv. We have had other paftime enough. Str. You rcafon well, Would all were pleas'd as well T' abfolve that doubt, to thofe we muft appeale. FINIS. rFF EPILOGUE. Strang. T Adyes, your fnffrages I chiefly crave J jFor th'himible Poet. Tis in yoii to fave Him, from the rigorous cenfiire of the rejl, May you give grace as yare with Beauty blcjl. True : Hee's 710 dandling on a Courtly lap, Yet may obtai?ie a f mile, if not a clap. Ferd. V^n at the Cavaliers. Heroick fpirits, That knovo both to rezuard, and atchicve merits, Do, like the Sun-beames, vertuoufly difpcnjc Upon the lowcfl growths their inflnetice, As well as on the lofty : our Poet fo By your Phebeaji favours hopes to grow. Cit-w. Ajid now you. generous fpirits of the City That are no Icffe in money then braine wity, My fclfe, my Bride, a fid pretty Bride-boy too, Our Poet for a Bonn preferres to you. Phil. A nd though you tafl of no fuch Bride-ale Cup, He hopes y allow the Match to be clapt up. Boy. And, if this Play be natight {yes fo he faid) That I fJioidd gi' yee viy Mother for a Mayd Swa. And why you now .'' or you .^ or you .^ I'l^-' fpeak enough for you all, you now would tell tlu- Audicnts they fliould not feare to throng hither iIa- next day : for you wil fecurc their Purfes cut-frcc, and their pockts pick-free. Tis much for you to do EPILOGUE, do tho'. And you would fay that all your proje6ls are put down, and you'l take up no new but what fhall be (fpeftators) to pleafe you. And you : Poetick part induces you, t'appologize now for the Poet too, as they ha' done already, you to the Ladies, you to the Cavaliers and Gentry ; you to the City friends, and all for the Poet, Poet, Poet, when alls but begging tho'. Tie fpea|<: to 'em all, and to my Countrey folkes too if here be any o'em : and yet not beg for the Poet tho', why fhould we ? has not he money for his doings ? and the beft price too ? becaufe we would ha' the beft : And if it be not, why fo ? The Poet has fliewd his wit and we our manners. But to ftand beg, beg for reputation for one that has no countenance to carry it, and muft ha* money is fuch a Paftime ! — If it were for one of the great and curious Poets that give thefe Playes as the Prologue faid, and money too, to have 'em afled ; For them, indeed, we are bound to ply for an applaufe. Becaufe they look for nothing elfe, and fcorn to beg for themfelves. But then you'l fay thofe Playes are not given to you ; you pay as much for your feats at them as at thefe, though you fit nere the merrier, nor rife the wifer, they are fo above common underftanding ; and tho' you fee for your love you will judge for your money, why fo for that too, you may. But take heed you difpleafe not the Ladies tho' who are their partiall judges, being brib'd by flattering verfes to commend their Playes ; for whofe faire caufe, and by their powerfull voyces to be cry'd up wits o' Court, the right worfhipfuU Poets boaft to have made thofe enterludes, when for ought you know they bought 'em of Univerfitie Scholars tho', and onely fhew their own wits in owning other mens ; and that but as they are like neither. As thus, do you like that Song .-' yes. I made it. Is that EPILOGUE. that Scene or that Jeft good ? Yes, Twas mine ; and then if all be good 'twas all mine. There's wit in that now. But this fmall Poet vents none but his own, and his by whofe care and dire6lions this Stage is govern'd, who has for many yeares both in his fathers dayes, and fmce direfted Poets to write and Players to fpeak till he traind up thefe youths here to what they are now. I fome of 'em from before they were able to fay a grace of two lines long to have more parts in their pates then would fill fo many Dryfats. And to be ferious with you, if after all this, by the venemous pra6life of fome, who ftudy nothing more then his deftru6lion, he fliould faile us, both Poets and Players would be at loffe in Reputation. But this is from our Poet agen, who tels you plainly all the helps he has or defires ; And let me tell you he has made prety merry Jigges that ha' pleas'd a many. As (le'me fee) th' Antipodes, and (oh I fliall never forget) Tom Hoyde7i o Tanton Dcane. Hee'l bring him hither very fhortly in a new Motion, and in a new paire o* flops and new nether flocks as briske as a Body- lowfe in a new Pafture. Mcane tvJiile, if yoii like this, or not, why fo ? Yoti may be pleas' to clap at parting tho\ FINIS. TH E CITY WIT, OR, The Woman wears the BREECHES. COMEDY. L O N D ON, Printed by T. R. for Richard Harriot, and Thofuas Dring, and are to be fold at their Shops in Fleet-Jlreet, 1653. The Prologue. Quotquotadeftis,falvete,falvetote. Gentlemen, Y02i fee I come 7inar7nd among you, fine Virga aut Ferula, witJiout Rod or Fe- rular, which are the Pedants weapons. Id eft, that is to fay, I come not hither to be an In- firuflor to any of yott, that were Aquilam volare doceie, aut Delphinum natare, to teach the Ape, well learned as my felfe. Nor came I to i7t/irufl the Comedians. That were for m,e to be Afinus inter fimias, the fool dthe Company : I dare not undertake them. / am. no Paedagogus nor Hypodidafcalus here. I approach not hither ad erudiendum, nee ad Corrigendum. Nay I have given 7ny Schollars leave to play, to get a Vacuum y^r my felfe to day, to Ac7 a particle here in a Play ; an A6lor being wanting that cozild beare it with port and state e^iough. A Pedant is not eafily ifni- tatcd. There/ore in p erf on, I for your delight have left 7ny Schoole to tread the Stage. Pray Jove the terror of my brow fpoile -not your (c) A 2 mirth The Prologue. mirth, for you cannot forget the firy of a Tutor, whejiyou have layne under the blazing Comet of his wrath, with quaefo Prseceptor te precor da &c. But, let fear e paffe, nothing but mirth! s intended. But I had forgot my felfe, A Prologue fJwuld be iji Rhyme, &c. therefore I will begin agen. Kind Gentlemen, and men of gende kinde, There is in that a figure, as you'll finde, Becaufe weel take your eares as 'twere in Ropes, He nothing fpeak but figures, ftrayns & tropes, Quot quot adeftis Salvete falvetote. The Schoolemafler that never yet befought yee. Is now become afuitor, that you'll fit. And exercife your fudgement with your wit. On this our Comedy, which in bold Phrafe, The A uthor fayes has pafl with good applaufe In former times . For it was written, when It bore jufl ytcdgement, and thefeal ^Ben. Some in this rotmd may have both feen t, and heard, Ere I, that beare its title, wore' a Beard. My fute is tJiprefore that you will not looke. To find more in the Title then the Booke. My part the Pedant, though itfeem a Colunme Is The Prologue. Is but a Page, compard to the whole volume. What bulk have I to bear a Scene to pajfe. But by your favoiu^s multiplying GlaJ/e. In nova fert Animus, then lie do my bejl To gaine your Plaudite among the reft. So with the falutation I firjl brought yee, Quot quot adeftis, falvete falvetote. A x Drama- Dramatis Per/once. CRafy, a young Citizen, falling Into decay. yeremy, his Apprentice. Sarpego, a Pedant. Sneakup, Crafyes Father in Law. Pyannet^ Sneakup' s Wife. Ticket ) ^ (^ .' Lady Ticket, yojina, Crafyes Wife. Lin/y-Wol/ey, a thrifty Citizen. Tody^ fonne to Sneakup. Bridget, Iq/i?ias Maid. Crack, a Boy that fings. ^^ ^ I two keeping Women. Th( The City Wit. OR, The woman wears the Breeches. ACT, I. Scene I. A Dinner carryed over the Stage in cove- red Difhes. Exeunt. Enter Crasy, yeremy. Et forth that Table Jer. A Table Jer. Will you not go in fet forth and dine, Sir ? withem- Cra. No : I am of other pty Mo- dyet to day. ny-bags, Jer. The whole company expe6ls you. Bills, Cra. May they fit merry with their cheer, Bonds,& while I feed on this hard meat. And wait Bookcsof you within : I fhall not change a trencher, accovipts, ler. Alas my good Mafter. Exit. &c. VOL. I. A 4 Cra. '9 2 So The City Wit. Cra. Here are the nefts, but all the He takes Birds are flown. up the How eafie a thing it is to be undone, bags. When credulous Man will truft his 'ftate to others ! Am I drawn dry ? Not fo much as the Lees left ? Nothing but empty Cask ? have I no refuge To fly to now ? Yes, here, about a groats He takes worth upthebils Of paper it was once. Would I had now & papers. Greens groatf-worth of wit for it. But 'twill ferve To light tobacco-pipes. Here (let me fee) Here is three hundred pound, two hundred here, And here one hundred, and two hundred here. Fifty ; fifty ; fifty ; and one hundred here, And here one hundred and fifty. Befides A many parcells of fmall debts, which make Two hundred more. I fhall not live to tell it. But put it up, and take it by the weight. He puts O me ! how heavy 'tis ! And, doubtlefs, the Bills fo 'twould be & Bonds At fome mans heart. It troubles me a little, into a Bag. Enter Jeremy. Now what newes } He takes up Jer. My miftrifs, and your Mother Sir, a fcroll. Intreats you to come to dinner. Cra. Thefe they are ; My debts, That ftrike me through. This bag will never pay Any of thefe. Jer. Sir, fhall I fay you'l come } Cra. How well it were, if any of my Creditors Could once but dream that this were current mony ! Jer. What fhall I fay } Cra. Even what thou wilt, good Jeremy. Jer The City Wit. 281 yer. Alas you know, this dinner was appointed A friendly meeting for mofl of your Creditors, And many of your Debtors. Cra. But I hope Few of the laft appeare. Jer. None but fome priviledg'd Courtiers, that dare Put in at all mens Tables. They're all fet, Your Creditors on one fide, and your Debtors On t'other ; and do only ftay for you. Cra. To feed on ; do they .-' Goe. I will not come. Jer. I feare. Sir, you will overthrow the good That was intended you. You know this meeting Was for the Creditors to give longer day, As they fhould find your Debtors to acknowledg The fummes they owe you. Sir I fhould be forry To fee you finck, or forc'd to hide your head, That look'd as high, as any in the City. Cra. Prithee go in. And if they feem to ftay. Pray 'em fall too ; tell 'em I take this time Only to order my Accompts, and that as foon As they are full, and fit to talk, I'le come : Good Jerernie goe. Jer. Introth I pity him ^;ir// weeping. Cra. A right good Boy thou art. I think on thee : What muft I do now .-• All I have is loft. And what I have not, fought to be forc'd from me, I muft take nimble hold upon Occafion, Or lie for ever in the Bankrupt ditch. Where no man lends a hand to draw one out. I will leape over it, or fall bravely in't. Scorning the Bridge of Bafenefs, Compofition, Which doth infe6l a City like the Plague, And teach men Knavery, that were never bom to't : Whereby the Rope-deferving Rafcall gains Purple and Furrs, Trappings and golden Chaines. Bafe 282 The City Wit. Bafe Compofition, bafer far then Want, Then Beggery, Imprifonment, Slavery : I fcorn thee, though thou lov'ft a Tradef-man dearly And mak'ft a Chandler Lord of thoufands yearly. I will have other ayd. How now ! Againe ? Enter Jeremy. yer. O, Sir, you are undone. Cra. Haft thou no newes, Jeremie f Jer. Alas your Mother Sir Cra. Why what of her } Is there a Plate loft, or a 'Poftle-fpoon A China Difh broke, or an ancient Glafs, And ftain'd with Wine her Damafque table-cloath } Or is the Salt fain towards her .-* What's the matter } Jer. Her mifchievous tongue has over-thrown the good Was meant to you. Cra. What Good, good Jeremie ? yer. Your Creditors were on a refolution To do you good, and madly fhe oppos'd it. And with a vehement voyce proclaims you a Beggar ; Says, you have undone her Daughter ; that no good Is fit to be done for you : And fuch a florm Of wicked breath Cra. She's drunk ; Is fhe not, Jeremie ? yer. No Sir, 'tis nothing but her old difeafe, The Tongue-ague, whofe fit is now got up To fuch a height, the Devil cannot lay it. The learned School-mafter, Mr. Sarpcgo Has conjur'd it by all his parts of fpeech, His Tropes and Figures ; and cannot be heard I'th furious Tempeft. All your Creditors Are gone in Rage ; will take their courfe, they fay. Some of your Debtors flay, I think, to laugh at her. Enter Tlie City Wit. 283 Enter Sarpego. Sar. Now deafenefs feize me. I difclaime my hearing. I defie my audituall part. I renounce mine ears. Miftris Pyannet, a defperate Palfey is on thy lips, and an everlafting Feaver on thy Tongue ? Cra. What raging Rout hath rent thy rejl ; What Scold hath faitcJi d thy sko7ice : Sar. rie breath it to thy bolder breaji, That askst me for the tionce. You underftand or know, that here hath been a Feaft made, to take up a ponderous difference be- tween Mafter Sneakiip, your Father in Law, and your lelfe Mr. Crafy ; and between moft of your Creditors and Debitors. Food hath been eaten ; Wine drunck ; Talke paft ; Breath fpent ; Labour loft : For why } Miftris Pyannet your Mother in Law, Mr, Sneaktips Wife (though fhee will be call'd by none but her owne name) that woman of an etemall Tongue ; that Creature of an everlafting noyfe ; whofe perpetuall talke is able to deafen a Miller ; whofe difcourfe is more tedious then a Juftices Charge ; Shee, that will out-fcold ten carted Bawds, even when fhe is fober ; and out-chat fifteen Midwives, though fourteen of them be halfe drunk : this Shee-thing hath burft all. Dcmojlhenes him- felfe would give her over. Therefore hopelefs Sar- pego is filent. ^tA.^x Pyannet, Sneaknp, S'w Andrczu Ticket, Rufflit, La. Ticket, Jofma, Linfy-Wol/y. Py. O, are you here Sir ! You have fpun a fair thred. 284 The City Wit. thred. Here's much ado, and little help. We can make bolt nor (haft, find neither head nor foot in your bufinefs. My daughter and I may both curfe the time, that ever we faw the eyes of thee. Cra. Sir, you have the civill vertue of Patience in you. Dear Sir hear me. Py. He fayes he heares thee, and is afham'd to fee thee. Haft not undone our Daughter .-• fpent her Portion ; deceiv'd our hopes ; wafted thy for- tunes ; undone thy credite ; prov'd Bankrupt .'' Cra. All was but my kind heart in trufting, in trufting. Father. Pi. Kind heart ! What fhould Citizens do with kind hearts ; or trufting in any thing but God, and ready money .'' Cra. What would you, dear Father, that I fhould do now .'' Py. Marry depart in peace Sir. VaniOi in filence Sir. rie take my Daughter home Sir. She fhall not beg with you Sir. No marry fhalt thou not ; no, 'deed Duck fhalt thou not. Cra. Be yet but pleafed to anfwer me, good Sir. May not an honeft man Py. Honeft man ! Who the Devill wifh'd thee to be an honeft man } Here's my worfhipfull Husband, Mr. Sneakup, that from a Grafier is come to be a Juftice of Peace : And, what, as an honeft man } Hee grew to be able to give nine hundred pound with my daughter ; and, what, by honeftie .-' Mr. Sneakiip and I are come up to live i'th City, and here we have lyen thefe three years ; and what } for honefty } Honefty ! What fhould the City do with honefty ; when 'tis enough to undoe a whole Corporation .-* Why are your Wares gumm'd ; your Shops dark ; your Prizes writ in ftrange Charafters ? what, for honefty .-' Honefty .-' why is hard waxe call'd Merchants waxe ; and is faid feldome or never The City Wit. 285 never to be rip'd ofif, but it plucks the skin of a Lordfhip with it ? what ! for honefty ? Now (morti- fied my Concupifcence !) Doft thou think, that our Neighbour, Mafter Linfy-Wolfic here, from the fonne of a Tripe-wife, and a Rope-maker, could afpire to be an Aldermans Deputy ; to be Worfhip- full Mr. Linfie- Wolfte ; Venerable Mr. Li^ifie-wolfie ; to weare Sattin fleeves, and whip Beggars .'' And, what .^ By honefty t Have we bought an Office, here, for our towardly and gracious fon and heire here, young Mr. Sneakiip Tob. Yes forfooth Mother. Py. And made him a Courtier, in hope of his honefty t Nay, (once for all) Did we marry our Daughter, here, to thee ; rack'd our Purfes to pay Portion ; left Country houfe-keeping to fave charges, in hope either of thine, or her honefty .'' No, we look'd, that thy Ware-houfe fhould have eaten up Caftles, and that for thy narrow Walke in a Jewellers (hop, a whole Countrey fhould not have fuffic'd thee. Cra. If my uncunning Difpofition be my only vice, then Father Py. Nay, and thou haft been married three years to my Daughter, and haft not got her with Child yet ! How do'ft anfwer that } For a woman to be married to a fruitfull Fool, there is fome bearing with him yet. (I know it by my felf) but a dry barren Fool ! How doft thou fatisfie that .-' Cra. It may be defe6l in your Daughter, as pro- bable as in me. Py. O impudent varlet ! Defe6t in my Daughter .■' O horrible indignity ! Defe6l in my Daughter .'' Nay, 'tis well known, before ever thou faweft her, there was no defe6l in my Daughter. Cra. Well : If to be honeft, be to be a fool, my utmoft Ambition is a Coxcomb. Sir, I crave your farewell. Py. 286 The City Wit Py. Marry Sir, and have it with all his heart. My Husband is a man of few words, and hath committed his tongue to me : And I hope I fhall ufe it to his Worfhip. Fare you well Sir. Tic. Thanks for your cheer and full bounty of Entertainment, good Mr. Sneahip. Py. He rather thanks you for your patience, and kind vifitation, good '^'xx Andrew Ticket. Yes indeed forfooth does he. La. Tic. I take my leave Sir, too. Sneak. Good Madame — Py. Uds fo ! ther's a trick ! you muft talk, muft you .'' And your Wife in prefence, muft you } As if I could not have faid, good Madame. Good Madame ! Do you fee how it becomes you .-* La. Tic. Good Miftris Stieakup. Py. Good Madame, I befeech your Ladifhip to excufe our deficiency of Entertainment. Though our power be not to our wifh, yet we wifh that our Power were to your Worth, which merrits better fervice L^a. Tic. Pardon me. Py. Then our rudeneffe La. Tic. You wrong your felfe. Py. Can tender, or pofTibly expreffe by La. Tic. I befeech you forfooth Py. Our beft labour, or utmoft devoire. Yes I proteft fweet Madame. I befeech you, as you paffe by in Coach fometimes, vouchfafe to fee me ; and, if I come to Court, I will prefume to vifite your Ladifliip, and your worthy Knight, Good Sir Andrew ! And I pray you Madame, how does your Monckey, your Parrot, and Parraquitoes ? I pray commend me to 'em, and to all your little ones. Fare you well, fweet Creature. Exit. Rnff. Wee'll leave you to take private farewell of your Wife, Mr. Crafie. Tob. The City Wit. 287 Tob. Wee'l meet you at your Houfe, brother. Exeunt onines, prczter Cra/y, jfojina. Jof. Lov'd, my deare heart, my fweeteft, my very being, will you needs take your journey ? I fhall fall before your return into a Confumption. If you did but conceive what your departure will bring upon me, I know (my fweet) nay I do know but goe your ways ; ftrike my finger into mine eye : 'Tis not the firft true teare a married woman has fhed. Cra. Why you heare the noyfe of that woman of Sound, your Mother. I muft travell down, or not keep up. Yet — Jof. Nay, goe I befeech you ; you fhall never fay, I undid you. Goe I pray : But never look to fee me my owne woman again. How long will you flay forth t Cra. A fortnight at the leaft ; and a moneth at the moft. Jof. Well, a fortnight at the leaft. Never woman took a more heavy departure. Kiffe me. Farewel, Kifs me againe. I pray does your Horfe amble, or trot .'' Do not ride poft as you come home, I pray. Kiffe me once more. Farewell. Exit Cra. Hay hoe ! How I do gape. Enter Bridget, Jeremy. Jof. What's a clock Bridget. Bri. Paft three forfooth. Jof. Tis pafl fleeping time then, Bridget, (means. Bri. Nothing is pafl to thofe, that have a mind and Jof. That's true and tryed. Go lay my Pillow Bridget. Exit Brid. Lord, what a thing a woman is in her Husbands abfence ! Waft 288 The City Wit. Waft thou ever in love, Jeremy ? Jer. Who I forfooth ? No forfooth. Jof. I forfooth, and no forfooth ? then I perceive you are forfooth. But I advife you to take heed, how you levell your Affe6lion towards me : I am your Miftris ; And I hope you never heard of any Apprentice was fo bold with his Miftris. Jer. No indeed forfooth, I fliould be forry there fhould be any fuch. Jof. Nay, be not forry neither Jeremy. Is thy Mafter gone } Look. A pretty youth, this fame Jeremy ! And is come of a good Race. I have heard my Mother fay his Father was a Ferretter Enter Jeremy. Jer. He is gone forfooth. Jof. Come hither Jeremy. Doft thou fee this Handkerchief.'' Jer. Yes forfooth. Jof. I vow'd this Handkerchief fhould never touch anybodies face, but fuch a one, as I would intreat to lie with me. Jer. Indeed forfooth ! Jof. Come hither Jeremy. There's a fpot o'thy Cheek, let me wipe it off. Jer. O Lord forfooth. I'le go wafh it. Exit Jer. Jof. Heaven made this Boy of a very honeft Appetite, fober Ignorance, and modeft Underftand- ing. My old Grandmothers Latine is verified upon him; Ars non Jiabet Inimiciim prceter Ignorantem. Ignorance is womans greateft Enemy. Who's with- in ? Bridget. Enter Bridget. Bri. Here forfooth. Jof. Go your wayes to Miftreffe Parmifan, the Cheefmongers Wife in old Fifliftreet, and commend me The City Wit 289 me to her ; and intreat her to pray Miftreffe Colli- floore the Hearb-woman in the Old Change, that fhe will defire Miftris Piccadell in Bow-lane, in any- hand to befeech the good old dry Nurfe mother, et cetera, fhee knowes where, to provide me an honeft, handfome, fecret young man ; that can write, and read written hand. Take your errand with you, that can write and read written hand. Bri. I warrant you forfooth. Exit. Jof. So, now will I meditate, take a nap, and dreame out a few fancies. A CT I. Scene 1 1. Enter Cra/y, booted. Ticket, Rufflit, Tobias Sarpego, Linfy woolfy. T/V.T T TEE take our leaves Mr. Cra/y , and wifli VV good Journey to you. Ruff. Farewell good Mr. Cra/y. Tob. Adieu Brother. Sar. Iterwn itcruvique vale. Lin. Heartily Godbuy, good Mr. Cra/y. Cra. Nay but Gentlemen : A little of your patience, you all know your own Debts, and my almoft impudent neceffities, fatisfie me, that I may difcharge others. Will you fuffer me to fink under my Freenes .-* fhall my goodneffe, and ready Pietie B undoe 290 The City Wit. undoe me ? Sir Andrew Ticket, you are a Profeft Courtier, and fhould have a tender fenfe of honor. This is your day of payment for two hundred pound. Tic. Blood of Bacchus, tis true, tis my day, what then .•* Doft take me for a Cittizen, that thou thinkeft I'll keep my day } No, thou'ft find that I am a Courtier, let my day keep me and 'twill. But doft heare ? Come to the Court. I will not fay what I will do for thee. But come to the Court. I owe thee two hundred pounds : Til not deny't, if thou ask feven years hence for't, farewell. I fay no more, but come to the Court, and fee if I will know thee. Cra. O, Sir, now you are in favour, you will know no body. Tic. True : tis jufl. Why fhould we, when we are in favour know any body ; when, if we be in difgrace, no body will know us .'' Farewell honeft Tradefman. Exit. Sar. That is Synonima for a fool. An ironical) Epithite, upon my Facunditie. Cra. O Mafler Sarpego ! I know you will fatisfie your own driblet of ten pound, I lent you out of my Purfe. Sar. Diogenes Laertiiis on a certaine time, de- manding of Cornelius Tacitus an Arcopagit of Syracufa ; what was the moft Commodious and expediteft method to kill the Itch, anfwered Cra. Anfwer me my moneys I befeech you. Sar. Peremptorily, Careo Siipinis ; I want money. I confeffe, fome driblets are in the Debet. But, me thinks, that you being a Man of Wit, Braine, Fore- caft and Forehead, fhould not be fo eafie, (I will not fay foolifh, for that were a figure) as to lend a Philofopher money, that cryes, when he is naked, Omnia The City Wit. 291 Omnia inea mecian porto. Well Sir, I fhall ever live to wifh, that your owne Lanthorne may be your dire6lion ; and that, where ever you travel!, the Cornn copia of Abundance may accompany you. Yes fure fhall I. Vive valeque. Exit. Tab. Why look you Brother, It was thought, that I had a tender Pericranion ; or, in dire6l Phrafe, that I was an unthrifty fool. Signior no : you fhall now find, that I cannot only keep mine own, but other mens. It is rightly faid, He that is poor in Appetite, may quickly be rich in Purfe. Defire little ; covet little ; no not your own : And you fhall have enough. Cra. Enough .'' Tob. Yes Brother, little enough. I confeffe I am your Debtor for the loane of fome hundred Marks. Now you have need : who has not .'' you have need to have it. I have need to pay it. Here's need of all hands. But Brother, you fhall be no loofer by me. Purchafe Wit ; Get wit (look you) wit. And Brother, if you come to the Court, now my Mother and my Father have bought me an Office there, fo you will bring my Sifter with you, I will make the beft fhew of you that I can. It may chance to fet you up againe. Brother ; tis many an honeft mans fortune, to rife by a good Wife. Farewell fweet Brother. Prithee grow rich againe ; and weare good Cloaths, that that we may keep our Acquaintance ftill. Farewell, deare Brother. Exit. Cra. Mr. Rufflit Ruff. What, does thy fift gape for mony from me .'' Cra. I hope it is not the fafliion, for a Gallant of fafhion, to break for fo fmall a Portion as the fumme of an hundred Angells. Ruff. For a Gallant of fafliion to break, for a B 2 Gallant 292 The City Wit. Gallant of fafhion ? Dofl thou know what a Gallant of fafliion is ? I'll tell thee. It is a thing that but once in three Moneths has money in his Purfe ; A creature made up of Promife and Proteftation : A thing that foules other mens Napkins : towfeth other Mens Sheets, flatters all he feares, contemns all he needs not, fterves all that ferve him, and undoes all that truft him. Doft ask me mony, as I am a Gallant of fafhion, I do thee Curtefie, I beat thee not. Cra. I lent it you on your fingle word. Ruff. Tis pittie but thou fliouldeft loofe thy Freedom for it : you Tradefmen have a good Order in your Citty, Not to lend a Gentleman money without a Cittizen bound with him : But you for- footh fcorne Orders ! By this light, tis pitty thou loofefl not thy Freedome for it. Well, when I am flufh, thou fhalt feel from mee, Farewell. Prithee learne to have fome witt. A handfome ftreight young fellow, grown into a pretty Bear, with a proper bodycd Woman to his Wife, and cannot beare a Braine ! Farewell. Doft heare } Be rul'd by me, Get money, do, Get money and keep it ; wouldft thrive .-• Be rather a knave then a Fool. How much doft fay I ow thee .■' Cra. P'ifty pound. Ruff. Thou art in my Debt. I have given thee Counfell worth threeskore, Dog-cheap, well I'll rent the odde mony. Exit. Lin. Strange mad fellows thefe fame, Mr. Crajie, me thinks to deale withall. Cra. You are right Mr. Linfie ivolfic} I would my Genius had dire6led me, to deale alwayes with fuch honeft neighbourly men as your felfe. I hope you will not deny me a Curtefie. Lifif. Not I, I proteft, what is it "*. Cra. You took once a Jewell of me, which you fold The City Wit. 293 fold for thirty pound, for which I have your Bond for fixty, at your day of mariage. If you will now, becaufe I want prefent money, give me but twenty pound, I'll acquit you. Li7i. My good friend Mr. Crafic, I have no tricks and Jerks to come over you as the witty Gentleman had ere while : But I know a plaine bargaine is a plaine bargaine : and wit is never good till it be bought. If twentie pound will pleafure you, upon good fecurity I will procure it you. A hundred if you pleafe, do you mark Mr. Crafie ? On good fecurity. Otherwifeyou muft pardon me, Mr. Crafie. I am a poore Tradefman Mr. Crafie^ keep both a Linnen and a Wollen Drapers fhop, Mr. Crafie^ according to my name, Mr. Crafie, and would be loth to lend my money, Mr. Crafie, to be laught at among my Neighbours, Mr. Crafie, as you are Mr. Crafie. And fo fare you wel, Mr. Crafie. Exit. Cra. Is this the end of unfufpicious Freeneffe ? Are open hands of Chearfull Pietie, A helpfull bounty, and moft eafie GoodnefTe, Rewarded thus .■' Is, to be honeft, term'd to be a fool .'' Refpe6l it Heaven. Beare up ftill merry heart. Droop not : But fcorne the worlds unjuft defpifmg. Who through Goodneffe finks, his fall's his Rifing. Enter Jeremy. O Mafter, Mafler, upon my knowledge, my Miflres is forced fince your departure to be Cra. What Jeremy ? ler. Honeft Sir. Get up your Debts as faft as you can abroad : For on my underflanding (which great love knowes is but little) fhee will take up more then your due at home eafily. Cra. Boy. Didfl: never obferve at the Court gate, B 3 that 294 T^he City Wit. that the Lord was no fooner off from his Horfe- back but the Lackey got up into the Saddle and rode home. Jer. Yes Sir, tis common. Cra. I fcorne not my Betters Fortune. And what is not my fmne, shall never be my fhame. Jer. Introth I was faine to make my felfe an Affe, or elfe I had been tempted to have been a knave. Cra. Boy, thou art now my Prentice. From hence be free. Poverty shall ferve it felfe. Yet do one thing for me. yer. If it be in the power of my poore Sconce. Car. If ever it be in thy poffible ability, wrong all Men, ufe thy wit, to abufe all things, that have but fence of wrong. For without mercie, all men have injur'd thy miftruftles Mafler, Milk'd my thoughts from my heart, and money from my Purfe, and, laft, laught at my Credulity. Cheat, chofen, live by thy Wits : Tis moft manly, therefore moft noble. Horfes get their living by their Backs, Oxen by their necks. Swine and Women by their Flefh. Only man by his Braine. In briefe be a knave and profper : For honefty has beggerd me. ler. Farewell Mafter. And if I put tricks upon fome of them, let the end of the Comedie demon- ftrate. Exit. Cra. I am refolv'd I will revenge. I never pro- vok'd my braine yet. But now if I clap not fire in the tayles of fome of thefe Samfons Foxes feems my defe6l of Fortune want of wit .-' Noe. The fenfe of our flight fports confeff'd fhall have, That any may be rich, will be a knave. A CT The City Wit, 295 ACT. II. Scene I. Sarpego, Tobias. A Purfe Sar. T^ Gregious and moft great of Expectation, JLLmy right dignified and truly Ciceronian Piipill, now that I have brought you into the Amoene fields with my ready thankfullneffe for the loane of this ten pound, I commit you to the grace of Court. Tob. I fhall expe6l that money fhortly. Care to fend it ; For I purchafd my place at a rack'd re- compence. Sar. Your Sarpego is no flipperie Companion-. You know I am to marry, and this money fhall provide me Complements. Sis bonus fcelixque tins. I pede faujio. Exit Tob. Enter Crafy like a lame Souldier. Cra. Belov'd of Phoebus, Minion of the Mufes, deare Water Bayley of Helicon, let it not be dif- taftfull to thy Divine eares, to receive the humble Petition of a poore Creature, made miferable by the policie of Providence. That thy rare and abfolute Munificence might fupply what fortune had left defeftive : I kiffe thy learned toes. Sar. I tell thee, by the Axiomes of the Peri- pateticall Arijlotle, thou art a Monfler. My reward shall be therefore like thy felfe, monflroufly lame. This is a figure in Eloquution call'd Apoxegefis. Cra. 1 am not fed with Figures Sir. " VOL I. B 4 Sar. 296 The City Wit. Sar. You are an idle vagabond, and lye in wait for the blood of the learned. Labour, and live. Cra. Right eloquent and well-phrafed Sir, my education has been liberall. I fometimes fed my flock on horned Parnaffus : But my wants forc'd me to my Sword. He JJiews his blade halfe way. Sar. You did peradventure fip on the top of Science, Primoribus labijs, or fo, but did not con- vert it in Siccaim & fangtiinem. Cra. That I may ever remaine a true man. — Extend. He drawes. The Sun, Moon and the feven Planets are my in- voked witneffes, I should be grieved, that necefTity should make me grow violent on fo adored, adorned Grammaticall Difciplinary Be gracious in Con- tribution — Sir Sar. I will give thee an infinite treafure. Sis integer vitcB,fcelerif que ptiriis. Vale -^ooxo. Rogue. Cra. Sir, this Sword can bite But, I know you had rather give it freely out of your own Pro- clivitie. Sar. Yes I proteft, as I am Erudite. Here dreadfull Mavortian, the poor price of a Dinner. Car. If I might in modefty importune the poore price of a Supper too. Sar. I do fpeak it in the Optative Mood, I do wish it lay in the modell of my Fortune to give harbour to your shaken flate, yet receive this with appeafed clutch. Cra. If I might not feem audacious even to im- pudence, I poore Freshman in Literature, would implore of your well-falted, & beft feafon'd vertue, fome larger allowance to fupply my defeats of Rayment, Books, and other neceffaries : which magnificence shall ever intitle you, my mofl: bounteous Meccsnas. Be induc'd to it Sir. FlouriJIi Sword vver him. Sar. The City Wit. 297 Sar. Yes, yes, yes, that you may know how deare you are to me ; Kno\y this is more then ufuall largeffe for non omnibus dormio There's a Figure too. Cra. O yes Sir, I underftand this Figure too very well. Now deare Mecenas, let me implore" a Purfe to inclofe thefe Monyes in Nay if you impart not with a chearfuU forhead. Sir Sword againe. Sar. VcB tnifero mihi \ fweet Purfe adieu. Iterurn iteruinque vale. Cra. May you be importun'd to do it, Sir. Sword. Sar. You shall have it inftantly. I will only deprome, or take out a little fluffing firft. Cra. Tis no matter. As it is, As it is, good Sir, as it is. He accept it as it is. Moft fragrant- phrafed Mafter, fuffer thy felfe to be intreated. Doe Sword. Sar. You have moft powerfully perfwaded : Take it. Cra. Moft exorbitantly bounteous Mecenas, you have given me all this, have you not ^ Sar. Yes, yes, and you have taken all that, have you not ? Cra. Yes, yes, but as your gift. love blefTe thy browes, and make cleer thy Phifnomy. Vale. Your learned Worfhip ftincks. Sar. Now Barbarifme, Incongruity, Crafie falls and falfe Orthography shame thee ; back. The curfe of Prifcian take thee. All the parts of fpeech defie thee. All the Interje6lions of forrow, as Heu hei, of Shunning, as Apdge\ of Difdaining, as Hem vah ; of Scorning, as Htii ; of Exclaiming, as Proh Deum atqne hominum fidevi take thee. My deare Pupils lendings haft thou lewdly lick'd away : And forrowfull Sarpego is lick'd dry. There's a figure left yet 1 But 6 thou Caftalion Traytor, Pick- 298 The City Wit. Pick-purfe of Parnajfus, and Hang-man of Heli- con : Dives thirft in -thy Throat ; Ixions wheel on thy back ; Tantalus hunger in thy guts ; and Sifyphus flone in thy Bladder. Exit. Cra. O fearful! curfe ! Well ; I haye given my firft pinch, and a little fcratch'd my Goat-bearded Grammarian, that Broke jefts on my uncunning eafmefs. But he with the reft ftiall feele, that modeft Simplicity is not alwayes a defe6l of wit, but will. What my willing honefty hath feem'd to loofe, my afifefted deceits shall recover. I'le rid 'em one after another, like Guts, till they fhall ftink worfe then Jewes. And they shall find with moft ashamed eyes, The honeft Breaft lives only rich and wife. £xit. ACT. Tlie City Wit. 299 ACT, II. Scene 2. Jojina, Bridget. J Of. Bridget. Bri. Here forfooth. JoJ. Bridget, I fay. Bri. Here, Lady. Jof. That's comfortably fpoken ! Nay blufh not : We women can never have too much given us. And Madame Jojifia would found well. Bri. Yes indeed, Madame Jofina Crafie. Jof. No ; not Crafie ; hang Crafie : Crafie is my Hufbands name. I wonder why Women mufl be called by their Husbands names, I. Bri. O, they muft forfooth. lof. And why-not men by their Wives .'' Bri. Marrie forfooth, becaufe that Men, when they marry, become but halfe men : And the other half goes to their Wives. And therefore (he is called Woman ; where before fhe was call'd but Mayd. lof Is a married Man but halfe a Man } what is his other halfe then } Bri. Truly, oftentimes, Beaft. Which part the wife gives to boot, in exchange of her name. One knocks. lof. Heark, fome body knocks ; goe fee. What fhould any body knock at my Garden door for .^ I doe not ufe to be vifited in my Garden. Bri. Yonders a Gentleman craves admittance to converfe with you. lof rie converfe with no Gentleman. What have I to do with Gentlemen .-* Bri. 30O The City Wit. Bri. A fair-fpoken, comely, modefl: Gentleman he is. lof. Is he fo ? rie fpeak with no modefl Gentle- man : You were beft be his Bawd. But are you fure he is a true Gentleman } does he weare clean Linnen, and lack Money .'' Bri. Here he comes forfooth. Enter Crafy, like a Phyjitian. lof. He is very confident, and forward, me thinks. Cra. Exquifite ; very Elixir of Beauty, vouch- fafe to receive the tender of my Faith to you ; which I proteft is zealoufly devoted to your par- ticular fervice. lof. You may fpeak lowder Sir : for I affure you, my Mayd is very thick of hearing, and exceed- ing weake fighted. Cra. Then, Lady, let it be fpoken in bold phrafe, I love you. lof I thank you Sir. How fhould I ftile you, pray .'* Cra. My name is Pulfe-feel'. A poor Do6lor of Phyfick, that weares three-pile velvet in his Cap ; has paid a quarters rent of his houfe afore-hand ; and as meanly as he flands here, was made Doftor beyond the Seas. I vow (as I am right Worfliip- full) the taking of my Degree coft me twelve French crowns, and five and thirty pound of fait Butter in upper Germany. I can make your beauty, and preferve it ; Reflifie your Body, and maintain it ; perfume your skin ; tin6lyour haire ; enliven your Eye ; Heighten your Appetite. As for Gellies, Dentifrices, Diets, Minerall Fucuffes, Pomatums, Fumes, Italian Masks to flecp in, either to moyften, or dry the Superficies of your face ; The City Wit. 301 face ; paugh, Gallen was a Goofe, and Paracelfus a Patch to Do6lor Pulfc-feel. Make me then happy, deare fweeting, in your private favours : The which I vow with as much fecrefie, conftancie and Refo- lution, to preferve, as you, with Bounty, fweetneffe and Freenes (hall impart. Jof. I protefl you fpeak very farre within me ; I refpefl you moft afifeftionatly. Cm. Then He attend you at your Chamber : where the beft pleafure, youth, Cupid can minifter fhall entertaine you. lof. Entertain me with pleafure .•* what pleafure I pray you .<* Cra. Nothmg but kiffe you Lady, and fo forth. lof. Well, for kifllng and fo forth, I care not ; But look for no difhonefty at my hands, I charge you. Cra. I will be provident. lof. And honeft, I befeech you : And fecret, and refolute, I advife you. Cra. Good. lof And very chafl I command you. But a kifle, and fo forth. Cra. I underftand you. This be my pledg of faith. Kiffe. lof And this of mine. The thought of me reft with you. And heare you Do6lor ; I prithee procure me fome young Fellow, that can write : For I am fo troubled with Letters, that I neither read nor anfwer Cra. Rely upon me. I can fit you rarely. I know a well qualified fellow, that danccth rarely, playes on divers Inftruments, and withall is clofe. Jof 302 The City Wit. lof. I marry, Clofe ! Pray let me have him. Kiffe and adiew. Exit. Cra. I will maintain it. He only, that knows it, permits, and procures it, is truly a Cuckold. Some fellow would be divorc'd now. Crafie, fpeak ; wilt*be divorc'd .-" why, what and I were .'' why then thou art an Affe, Crafie. Why Sir .-* why Sir ! why prithee tell me, what would thy Divorce hurt her .-' It would but give her more liberty. Shee fhould have bounteous Cuftomers ; Gallants, that would hoift her tires, beftow deep on her. And fhe fhould be paid fort. You fpeak fomewhat to the matter Sir. Nay Crafie, believe it, though fhe be not a very modeft woman for a-Wife, thou mayft force her to be a reafonable private wench for a Whore. Say you fo } Birlady, and I'le take your Counfell. 'Tis a pretty Drabb. I know not where to compaffe fuch another } troth Sir, I'le follow your advice. And, if my hopes prove not extreamly ill, rie keep her flefh chaft, though againft her will. Enter Crack Jinging: Crac. He tooke her by the middle fo fmall A nd laid her on the Plain : And when he had his will on her, He took her up againe. And what was fhe then the worfe for wearing } Can you tell Mr. Doctor } Craf. What art thou } Crac. One Sir (I dare tell you in private) that can conduct you to a more lovely Creature, then her you laft courted. Craf. A young Pimpe, a very fucking-pig Pimpe ! What The City Wit. 303 What an Age is this, when children play at fuch great game 1 So young, fo forward ! Crac. Sings. The young and the old miin toot, miin toot, The you fig and the old mu?t to it ; The young ones will learn to ddt, to dot, A?id the Old forget not to do it. Craf. This Infant piece of Impudence amazes me. Prithee what art thou t or whom dofb thou ferve, or broke for. Crac. As delicate a piece of Woman-flefh as ever Mortall laid lip to. O fhe is all Vejiiis I And, to come clofe to you, fhee wants a Phyfician. You are one I take it : I am a foole elfe. Cras. I am catch'd } This habite will betray me. What is fhee, I fay. Crac. Sings. O Jhe is. Pie is a viatchleffe piece. Though all the world may wooe her ; Nor golden JJwwre, nor golden fleece, Is price enough to do her. Cras. For what wants fhe a Phyfitian ? Crac. For what you pleafe, when you come to her. Sir, upon my life, fliee's free from any Difeafe, but the Counterfeits. Will you know all Sir } fhe wants a wife mans counfell to affift her in getting a Husband. I take hold of you for that wife man, fhee relyes upon my Election. Will you go Sir .-* Tis in an exceeding civil! houfe ; a precife one, in- deed. Know you not Mr. Linfey Woolfty } Craf. 304 The City Wit. Craf. Not at his houfe ? Crac. Pardon me Sir. At his very houfe. All the wife wenches i'the Town will thwack to fuch San6luaries, when the times are troublefome, and Troopers trace the ftreets in terror. Craf. Prithee, what call'ft thy Miftres } Crac. There fhe lies Sir, by the name of Miftreffe Tryvtan ; a rich young Cornifh Widdow ; though fhe was borne in Clearkcn-well\ and was never halfe a dayes Journey from Bride zvell in her life. Her Father was a Pinn-maker Sin^s. O Along along, where the Gallants throng By twenties, azvay the Widow to carry : But let thevi tarry : For JJiee will carry Twenty, before that one fJie will Marry. Will you along Sir .■* Craf. Tis but a weak ingagement : yet He goe ; Needleffe are feares, where Fortunes are fo low. Exeunt. ACT II. Scene III. Enter Ticket and Ruffiit. Tic. A Widdow } what is fhee ^ or of whence .^ Xl. Ruff. A luftie young wench, they fay : A Cornifh Girle ; able to wraftle downe ftronger Chines then any of ours. Tic. But how is fhe purf'd fack f Is fhe flrong that way } Ricff. The City Wit. 305 Ruff. Prettie well for a younger Brother ; worth 7 or 8 thoufand pound. Tic. How man ! Ruff. You are a married man, and cannot Rivall me ; I would not elfe be fo open to you. Tic. I fweare He help thee all I can. How didft find her out ? Ruff. I have intelligence, that never failes me ; ftiee came to town neither but very lately ; and lodg'd at Mr. Wolfeys. Tic. Who, Linfy woljle, the Hermaphroditicall Draper ! That's a precious Nott-headed Rafcall. Hee'll goe neare to ayme at her himfelfe. Ruff. Like enough. He may aime at her : But fhee will be hit by none but a Gentleman, that I heare too. Oh fhee has a fierce Ambition to a Ladyfhip, though her late Husband was a tanner. Tic. A Tanner, well Jack, take heed how thou ventur'ft on her to make her a Gentlewoman : She. will kill thee at her liusbands occupation before thou wilt be able to make her Hide gentle. Thou wilt find a tough peece of Curriers work on her. Look who here is. Enter Toby, and Linfey-woljie. Lin. Truly Mr. Toby Sneakup, me thinks I find an alteration in my felfe already. Tob. Nay, I told you ; would you but give your Mind to it, you v/ould be a Gentleman quickly. Tic. How's this .-' let's ftand afide a little. Ruff. Sure, hee's about to turne himfelfe into a Gentleman to winne to the Widdow ! Tic. And what a Tutor he has pickt out to inftru(5l him ! Lin. Me thinks I love the name of a Gentleman a great deale better then I did, C Tob. 3o6 The City Wit. Tob. But could you find in your heart to lend a Gentleman a fcore of Angells, Mr, Wolfey, on his word ? Lin. Uhm It is not gone fo farre upon me yet. Tob. Oh, but it muft though, I know it. A Cittizen can never be a Gentleman, till he has lent all, or almofl all his money to Gentlemen, What a while it was ere the rich Joyners fon was a Gentleman ? when I my felfe was a Gentleman firfl:, my mony did fo burne in my Pockets, that it coft me all that ever I had, or could borrow, or fteal from my Mother. Lin. But Mr. Toby, a man may be a Countrey Gentleman, and keep his money, may he not } Tob. You fee Sir, This Widdow is remov'd from the Countrey into the City, to avoyd the multi- plicity of Country Gentlemen that were here fuitors. Nay you mufl be a Citty Gallant ; or a Courtier. Lin. I fee no Courtiers, but are more apt to borrow, then to lend. Tob. I, thofe that were born, or bred Courtiers I grant you. But to come to't at your yeares — Lin. I can the fooner learne. Your Courtier Sir, I pray. Tob. He tell you in a briefe character was taught me. Speake nothing that you mean, performe nothing that you promife, pay nothing that you owe, flatter all above you, fcorne all beneath you, deprave all in private, praife all in publike ; keepe no truth in your mouth, no faith in your heart ; no health in your bones, no friendfliip in your mind, no modefty in your eyes, no Religion in your confcience ; but efpecially no Money in your Purfe. Li7i. O that Article fpoyles all. Tob. The City Wit. 307 Tob. If you do, take heed of fpending it on any- thing but Panders, Puncks, and Fidlers ; for that were moft unfafhionable. Lin. I thank you Sir, for your Courtly and Gentlemanlike inflru6lions, and wifh you grace to follow them : I have feen too fearful! an example lately in my neighbour Crafy, whofe fteps I lift not trace ; nor lend my Money to be laught at among my Neighbours. Fare you well Sir. Tob. Ha ha ha. Ruff. Mr. Wolfie ! Well met. How does your faire Gueft at home, Mrs. Fryman ? Ticket talks Lin. How fhould he come to ajide with the knowledge of her .'* Some of Toby. thefe Gallants will fnatch her up, if I prevent not fpeedily. Ruff. Why fpeak you not Mr. Wolfie} How does the Widow } Lin. Truly not well Sir. Whether it be weari- neffe of her journey, change of ayre, or dyet, or what I know not ; fomething has diftemperd her. Ruff. Or Love, perhaps of you Mr. Wolfie. Lin. Me } Alaffe, I look like no fuch Gentle- man. Ruff. You may in a fhort time. They two Harke hither Mr. Wolfie. go afide. Tic. We overheard you man : And I gueft as much before. Tob. Tis very true Sir, fhee is worth nine thou- fand pound : But marry fhe will not'but a Gentle- man : And I think I have beat him off o'th con- dition, I have put him off o' that fcent for ever, with a falfe charafler. Heaven and the Court for- give me. Tic. Thou haft introth Boy : And on purpofe to have her thy felfe, I perceive it. Tob. He does not, He's an Affe. C 2 Tic. 3o8 The City Wit. Tic. Well, if I wore a Batchclor, I fliould envy thy wit, and thy fortune. Is llic very handfonie ? Tob. So fo : You Ihall fee wee'll make a Ihift with her. Ruff. Mr. Wolfie, I would you had her with all my heart ; you fhall not want my good word and beft wifhes. Lin. Do you fpeak this in earneft Sir, or as you are a Courtier. Riff. In earnefl I, and as I am a Gentleman. Lin. Then in earneflr. and as I am an honeft man, I do not beleevc you. Mr. Toby Sncaknp has told me what Geatlemen and Courtiers are, too lately. Ruff. Mr. Sncaknp well met. Tob. Good Mr. RuJ}U\t. Enter QxT^zV/inging. Now fair e Mayds lay doivne my Bed, And draw the Curtaincs round: Tell the World that I am dead. And zvho hath given the %vound. Ah me poor Soul I Alack for love I dye, Then to the Sexton hie. And caufe the Bell to towle. Crac. O here he is! Mr. Wolfie, indeed my Mafter Wolfe, if ever you will fee my Mi fires your Sweetheart alive, you muft goe home prefently. Lin. My Sweetheart ! Crae. I thinke fliee is ; and that in death flie will be fo. I fpeak by what flie fayes, and others think. Tob. Tis the Widows Boy. Lin. Is file ficker then (lie was. Crac. O shee is even fpeechleffe, and calls for you The City Wit. 309 you exceedingly. I fetcht a Do6lor to her, and he can do her no good. Mafler Sarpego has made her Will and all. Lin. Has fhee given me anything } Crac. Quickly goe and fee Sir, you will come too late elfe, I am going to get the Bell to towle for her. Liii. Fare ye well Gentlemen. Tob. Tic. Ruff. Nay, wee'll along with you. Crac. Sing-. Exeunt Did never truer heart Out of the world depart, Or caufe the Bel to towle. Exit. ACT. III. Scene I. Enter in the Tryinan, attended by Ifabell, Jone, Crafy, with an Urijiall. Ifa. T Ook up Miftres. J J Jo. Take a good heart, the worft is paft, feare not. Try. Ah, ah, ah. Ifa. Reach the Bottle againe of Do6lor Stephens water. Cra. No no, apply more warme cloaths to her fbomack, there the matter lyes which fends this diftemperature into her braine. Be of good cheer Gentlewoman. Try. Is Mr. Wolfie there .'' Ifa. Nothing but Mr. Wolfie ever in her mouth. Jo. Pray Sir, how do you like her ? I am much affraid of her. C 3 Craf 310 The City Wit. Craf. Let me fee, to night it will be full Moon, And file fcape the turning of the next Tyde, I will give her a gentle Vomit in the morning, that fhall eafe her ftomack of this conflux of venomous humours, and make her able to fit a hunting Nag within this fennight. 'ia' Jo. A rare man fure. And, I warrant, well feen in a Woman. Try. Uh, uh, uh, uh. Cough and /pit. Craf. Well fayd, fpit out gently, ftraine not yourfelfe too hard. Try. Agh fagh. Craf. Tis very well done. La' you. Her colour begins to come. He la^^ all my skill to a meffe of Tetvksbnry Mufbard, fliee fneezes thrice within thefe three houres Enter Linfy-wolfie. Lin. Good Sir want nothing, that your skill fhall approve neceffary in this time of need. Good Wives and kinde Neighbours, I thanke you for your cares. Try. Is Mr. Wolfie there .-* Ifa. She does nothing but call for you Sir, pray fpeak to her. Try. Where's Mr. Wolfie. Li?i. Here Lady. How do you } Try. Then I am even well me thinks — agh — agh— Lin. Shoe's very farr gone I feare, how do you find her difeafc Sir .'' Craf. Dangerous enough Sir. For fhce is ficker in mindc then in body. For I finde mofl plainely the effe<5ls of a deep melancholly, falnc through her diftemperature of paffion upon her Liver ; much difordering, and withall wafting the vitals, leaving fcarce matter for Fhyfick to worke on. So that The City Wit. 3 1 1 that her minde receiving the firft hurt, muft receive the firft cure. Try. Agh agh ah pagh fagh Cough itp in a Bafon Craf. So fo : Straine not your felfe too hard. No hurt ; fo fo. Here's melancholly and choller both in plenty. yo. He fpeaks with great reafon, me thinks, and to the purpofe, I would I underftood him. Craf. Do you not know, Sir, any that has offended her by open injury, or unkindneffe .'' Lin. Alas Sir, no fuch thing could happen fmce her coming hither. Craf. Then, on my life, tis Love that affli6ls her. Try. Oh oh uh oh Craf. I have toucht her to the quick. I have found her difeafe, and that you may prove the abler Do6lor in this extremity. Lin. Who I } Alas I beleeve no fuch matter. Try. Mr. Wolfie, Mr. Wolfie. Craf. Here he is Lady. Pray fpeak your minde to him. Muft I pull you to her } Here he is. What do you fay to him .'' Pray fpeak. Try. Oh no, no no no Craf. She hath fomething troubles her that con- cernes onely you. Pray take her by the hand, do as I intreat you. Lady we will go, and leave you in private awhile, if you pleafe. Try. Pray do. O but do not, pray do not. Ci'af. Do you perceive nothing in this paffion of hers } How does fhe feel your hand } Lin. O, fhe does fo quiddle it, fliake it, and gripe it ! Craf You are then the man Sir, the happy man. Fox (he fhall recover fuddenly. Lin. Who I .-* Alack a day. " VOL. I. C 4 Try. 312 The City Wit. Try. What will you have me dye inteflate. Is not my Will made, as I dire6led ? lo. Where are you Mr. Sarpego, with the Will. Enter Sarpego, Ticket, Rrifflit, Toby. Sar. Ad inamim. Sweet Buds of Generofity, forbeare : you may Admirare, at the abundance here fpecified : But not find a Legacie bequeath'd among you. A Will. Tic. We expe6l nothing. Ruff. I only wifh your health, Lady ; and that it may, or might have been my happinefs to fue to you for Love ; as I do now to the higheft power for Life. Tob. Would I were married to her, as fhee is ; and twere but for an hower, I car'd not. Had my mother been but aquainted with her, before fhee fell fick, here had been a match ! Sar. O Dij ivimortales ! A rich Widdow fhall have Suiters on her Death-bed. Try. Good Sir, It is too late to fpeak To of thefe things. I only crave and wish R^iff- your prayers in your abfence : This place can yield no pleafure to you I know. Mr. Woljey, pray your hand againe : I could be even content to live me thinks, if I had but fuch a man as you to my Huh, uh, uh, uh. Slice Coughes. Craf. By your leave. Pray by your leave. Help Women. Beare up her Body a little. Bow it for- wards. So, fpeak to her. Sir. Good Lady drink of this Cordyal. She dr inches. Lin. How do you now forfooth "*. Craf. What now shce is drinking Now fpeake Sir, you or no man muft do her good. Lin. How do you forfooth .•* Craf. Well faid Sir, fpeak chearfully to her. Lin. The City Wit. 313 Lin. How dee doe? how dee doe, Miftris Try- man ? How ift now, ha ? Tic. Very comfortably fpoken ! Rnff. I, was it not ? Lin. Alas Ihee cannot fpeak. I'll call my Neighbour Miftres Sncaknp. If any body can make her fpeak, 'tis fhee. Tob. I'll call my Mother for you. Shee will make her fpeak, if fhee have but a word left in her belly Maffe here fhee comes. Enter Pyannet and lojina. Py. How comes it Mr. Wolfcy, that you have a Gentlewoman fick in your houfe, and not fend for me .'' Let me feel her hand. Alaffe fhe is fhrewdly diftemper'd. When had fliee a ftoole Sir, Prithee Daughter flep home to my Clofet, and bring the Viall of my owne Water, which ftands next to my blew Velvet Cabinet. loj. That's my Do6lor was with me to day Exit. Py. Shee's a young Gentlewoman ; may have many Children yet, let me note her eyes : I finde nothing there. When did you fee her water Mr. Doaor } Craf. What Devill fent this fury among us .'' Py. In troth I befhrew you, Mr. Wolfey, you fent not for me, but I hope I come not too late. Pluck up a Womans heart, you fhall find a good Neighbour of me. Try. I will thank you in my Will. I fliall not live to thank you otherwife. Py. Alas talk not of your will. You fliall have time enough to think of that many yeares hence. Craf. I tell her fo, Lady, yet fhee calls for it ftill. Try. 314 The City Wit. Try. Pray let me fee it, that I may figne it. Uh Uh Py. Lord how my Daughter ftayes. Good Sir Andrew Ticket \ worthy Mr. R?(ffiit\ My Sonne Tobias is highly honor'd in your noble Acquaint- ance and Courtly converfation. Tic. We rather hold our felves dignified, in being his indear'd Companions. Tob. I affure you Mother, we are the three of the Court. Py. I moft: intirely thank you for him. And I do befeech you make your felves no ftrangers to my poor houfe. Wee are alone ; can give but light entertainement, my Daughter and I ; fmce my Sonne Crafies misfortune drave him from us — Enter lofina with a Viall. O welcome Daughter 1 befeech you noble Sirs eftrange not your felves to us, your Servants. Cra. Pox o'your Complement. Py. Give me the Viall Daughter. Take up the Lady. Taft of this. It is a Compofition of mine owne diflilling. Try. drinks. Try. Uh, uli, uh, umh Py. Well done. Nay it will make you break wind, I tell you. Ticket and Rufflit Court lofma. Tic. By the fervice I owe you fweet Miftres, tis unfained. My Wife defires to fee you. Rujf. As I can bcft witneffe ; And feares you enjoy not the libertie of a Woman, fince your Husbands departure. Your Brother having pro- mis'd too to conduct you to Court. To. It is confefl:, and I will do it. Tic. The City Wit. 3 1 5 Tic. Where the beft entertainment a poore Ladyes chamber can afford, fhall expecl you. lof. I fliall embrace it. Craf. Sfoot, tis time to part you Miflres, I befeech your help, joyn'd with your vertuous Mothers. He pulls her afide. lof. You forget the young man, that can Dance Write, and keep Counfell. Craf. I forget you not Lad^^ But I wifh you to beware of thefe Courtiers, till I tell you what they are. Ruff. I'll be hang'd if this Do6lor be not of her fmock Counfell. Py. How is it now, good heart .' Try. Much enlightned, I thank Heaven and you. Now, pray, read Sir my Will. Sar. In Dei nojfune. Amen. Tic. O let us heare the Will. Sar. I lane Tryman of Knockers hole, in the County of Cormvall, Widdow, Sick in Body, but whole in Mind, and of perfe6l memory, do make my laft W^ill and Teftament, in Manner and Forme following. Craf. As for the Manner and Forme tis no matter. To the Legacies, briefly. Sar. Hum hum. Imprimis, A Dole of Bread to be given to the Poore of this Parish five pound. Try. Stay. This I intreat of you Mr. Wolfey, that whether I live or dye, this Dole may be given to morrow. It was the Charge of my Mother to fee it done ; Saying, it was better to take the Prayers of the Poore with me, then leave them to be fent after. Li?i. It shall be done : and you, I hope, shall fee it. Sar. To Mr. Sarpego, the Writer hereof, A Mourning 3i6 The City Wit. Mourning Gown, and forty pound, to Preach at the Funerall. Lift. How! forty pound ? Sar. Di bojti ! No. Tis forty shillings. Item io my Nephew, Sir Mannaduke Trevaiighan of St. Minever, one thoufand pound in Gold. Item to my Nephew Mr. Francis Trcpton, one thoufand pound in Gold. Item to my Kinfman, Sir Stephoi Leg- gleden, I do forgive two thoufand pound, for which his Lands are Mortgaged to me. Item to his Daughter, my God-daughter lane Legglcden, five hundred pound in money ; my beft Bafon and Ewer ; two filver Flaggon Pots, and three filver and gilt flanding Cups. Item to the poore of the Parifh of Knockers-hole, ten pound, and forty pound towards the reparation of their Church. Item to Mr. Linfey wolfey the Ring, which was my Wedding Ring, and fifty other Rings, with feverall ftones in my Trunck, in his houfe, v^alued at two hundred and fifty pounds. Item to all his fervants, and to the Women that attended me in my fickneffc, five pound a piece. Jone. Now the Lord receive her to his mercy. Ifa. My Legacy will fave her life ; for never any body dyed yet, that bequeathed me any thing. Sar. Item, to my Page Jeffery Crack forty pound. And all my other Servants ten pound a peice. Item to my Neece Barbara Tredrite five hundred pound ; my fecond Bafon and Ewer, a dozen of filver Diflies, and four dozen of filver Spoones. Laftly, all the reft of my Lands, Jewels, Plate, Money, Debts, Moveables and Unmoveables, to my dear and loving Brother, Sir Gregory Flamjled, whom I make my full ICxccutor. /// ciijns rei tejli- monium, &c. This is the briefe of it. Try. Tis well. Onely add to it — Uh — A Gold Chaine alfo in my Trunk to this vertuous Gentle- woman T)u City Wit. 317 woman. And another Chaine, that is there of Pearle, to her Daughter. To this learned Do6lor twenty pound. And to the Gentlemen which have vifited me, for them and their freinds an hundred pound to be fpent in a Banckquet. Sar. Hoc nihil refert. I mufl write all over againe then. Try. Do fo then. And make your forty shillings five pound. Sar. Gratias velingentes ago. It shall be done — Exit. Try. Now Mr. Wolfie, and yourvertuous Neigh- bour here, I intreat, that when I have figned this Will, that you keep it til my Brother comes to Town. This Do6lor shall dire6l you in all. And that he may be the better able fo to do, I defire you all that I may a while be private with him. Otnues. With all our hearts. Exeunt otnnes. prceter Crajy, Try. Are they all gone } Trynian. Now Mr. Do6lor, what think you of the fick Widow .'' Has she done her part hitherto } Craf. Beyond my expeftation ! Better then I for a Do6lor. Try. You are right. And I am even the fame for a Widow as you for a Do6tor. Do not I know you .-• Yes good Mr. Crafy. I dare truft you, becaufe you muft truft me. Therefore know, that I the rich Widow am no better, then a Lady that muft live by what I beare about me. The vulgar tranflation you know, but let them fpeak their pleafure, I have no Lands, and fmce I am borne, muft be kept, I may make the befl of my owne, and if one member maintaine the whole body, what's that to any one } Craf. I colle6led as much by your young Whis- kin that brought me hither. Try. 3i8 The City Wit. Try. It was by my dire6lion that he did fo. And, by my Inftruclions, he has had an Eye upon you in all your difguifes ever fmce your pretended Journey out of Towne. Nay ftartle not, nor mufe at my acquaintance with you. I have had you in my Purlews, before you were a Freeman : And will hereafter give you certaine tokens of it. In the mean time, if you comply with me, you can be no loofer by it. I am grown weary of my old courfe ; and would faine, by wifer, do my felfe good, before Age or Difeafes make it too late. Cra. I will work clofe and friendly with thee. Therefore fay, this rich Cockfcombe is thine owne. O here comes your Pigg-wiggen. Try. He is of Counfell, and one of us. He is indeed my Brother, and has been one of the true blew Boyes of the Hofpitall ; one of the fweet fingers to the City Funeralls with a two penny loafe under his arme. Crac. Well : He never fung to the wheele in Saint Brides Nunnery yonder. Try. Nay Jejf, be not angry ; thou haft fung to the Organs I know, till fearing their downfall, thou betookft thy felfe into my more certaine fervice. All freinds, good Jejf. CraJ. Yes, yes, we muft all agree, and be linckt in Covenant together, Crac. By Indenture Tripartite, and't pleafe you, like Subtle, Doll, and Face. Craf. Witty Jeff. I cannot fee which can be fpar'd from the reft, leaft the whole trade break. Crack Jings. Then let us be freinds, and mojl freindly agree. The Pimp and the Punck and the Doclor are three, That cannot but thrive, when united they be. The Pimp brings in cujlome, the Punck J1 tee gets treafure, Of The City Wit. 319 Of which the Phyfitian is Jure of his meafure. For ivork that Jlie ttiakes him in fale of Jier plea Jure. For which, when flie failes by difeafes or paine, The Doflor new Vamps and npfets her againe. Craf Thou art a brave Lad, and in the high way of preferment. Crac. Not the high Holborne way I hope Sir. Craf. And for you Damfell, as I fayd before, fay to your felfe, the Match is yours. Tiy. I mean to fay, and know it fhortly. Some three dayes hence all may be compleated. Now draw the Curtaines ; and follow your affaires, while I put on my fick Face againe. UK uh, uh. They put in the Bed, and withdrazv all. Exeunt. ACT. III. Scene II. Enter Sarpego. Sar.~\J^ Ow could I 1 N| Accofl that Catlinarian Traytor, that de- feated me of my ten pound, I have a precogitated Oration fhould make him fufpend himfelfe. But Abiit, evafit, ernpit. Or if the rich Widow would have dyed, there had been a fupply. But fhe is nearer a Nuptiall, then a Funerall : And hopeleffe Sarpego, that fliould wed, has not to furnifh him to his intent, Vcb mihi mifero nee Annan, nee Argent — turn ! Here comes my Beatitude. Enter 320 The City Wit. Etiter Bridget. Bri. O, are you here Sir ? I was to feek you. My old Miflreffe would fpeak with you inftantly. Sar. My Legitimate Spoufe, when is our day of conjun6lion ? Bri. Our day of conjun6Hon ? Mary faugh Goodman Fifte. Our day of conjunftion ? Sar. Did you not once vow you did love me ? Bri. Did not you once fwear you had money ? Sar. Hicjacct, I am now but a dead man. Enter Pyannet, Sneahip, Crafie — like a Coiirt-Mcffenger. Py. O where's Mr. Sarpego ? Fortunate Mr. Sarpego? Venerable Mr. Sarpego f O Sir, you are made. Never thinke under right worfliipfull. Imagine nothing beneath Damafque Gownes, Velvet Jackets, Satten Sleeves, Silk Nightcaps, two Pages and a Footcloth. Sar. The Son of Phoebus re6lifie your Brain- pan. Sne. Indeed, and't fhall plcafe your Worfhip, it is Py. It is ! What is it ? You will be fpeaking, will you .'' And your Wife in prefence, will you .■* you fhew your bringing up. Mafter Sarpego, bleffc the time that ever you knew the Progeny of the Sneakups : my worfliipfull Son and Heire apparent hath preferred you to be the young Prince his Tutor. Here's Mr. Holywater, a Gentleman ; of place, a Courtier ; of Office, is fent for you. Craf. Right fortunately-learned Sir. So paffion- ately doth his Grace approve the Language, Lite- rature, and Haviour of your fometimes Pupill, Majler Tobias Sneakup. Sar. Umh. Craf. That I was, with all expedition, com- manded to intreat your inflant Attendance. Sar. The City Wit. 321 Sar. Umh Umh Craf. 'Tis even fo Sir ; You are like to poffefs a Princes eare ; you may be in place, where you may fcorn your foes ; countenance your friends ; cherifh vertue, controule vice, and defpife fortune : Yes fure fhall you Sir. And (which I had almoft forgot) your old Pupill intreatsyou to fend him by me the ten pound he lent you : An od ten pound, that he may be furnifh'd with the more feemly Complements to condu6l you to his Grace, Sar. Quid nunc ? Py. Whift Mr. Sarpego. Let not your poverty be read in your face. Here's ten pieces. Bear it as your own payment : You talk of ten pound for my Son, Sir. Sar. O, an od driblet. Here, Friend, I ufe not to carry Silver : Convey it in Gold. Bri. I hope, dear Love, you will not forget your affeftion to me now. Sar. Poor Maid, I will prefer thee to fcratch my head ; make my Bed ; wash my Shirt, pick my toes, and evacuate my Chamberpot. I will inflantly procure mee attire, fitting my fortune, and attend the Grace of Court Exit. Bri. Now am I but a dead woman. Craf. I am much griev'd for't. It was your fonnes much labouring, that Mr. Crafic was fent for, to fell his Grace fome Jewells : But fmce his fortunes are fo funk that he hides his head, I can but lament his loffe. Py. Shall I tell you Sir, (pray you husband fland afide ;) My Son-in-Law Crafie is not now worth — his very wife. We hop'd he would have prov'd a crafty Merchant, and he prov'd an honeft man, a Begger (if I chance to fpeak above your capacity, I pray tell me of it) And as I faid, when I perceiv'd he began to melt, and that every D ftranger 322 The City Wit. ftranger abufed him ; I, having fome wit, fell too, and moft cozen'd him my felf. I look'd for my daughters good : And fo betwixt us, found the trick to get, or fteale from him two Jewells of good deep value, being indeed the main of his reft of P'ortune. Now Sir, I come to you. CraJ. I, now you come to the point. Py. Right Sir : For there is no woman, though she ufe never fo many by-words, but yet in the end she will come to the point. Kow Sir, I having thefe Jewells, will fend them by my hulband. A poor eafie weak man, as you fee ; but very obedient in truth — Craf. By your husband. Py. Yes, do you mark .-* By my husband. But now note my wit : His Grace knows not Crafie : My hufband, habited like a Citizen, shall take the name of Crafic upon him ; offer his Jewells to the Prince ; you shall prefent them ; praift; them and raife them : His Graces payes ; my husband re- turns ; and we will share. Do you approve t Craf. Nay admire. Py. Away then. No Complement among Exit. good wits; but away. Come your ways Craf. hither, good man ; Put off your hat ; Make a leg ; Look fimply. Why fo ! Pish, ne're tell nie : He will make a rare Citizen. I have Jewells for you to carry to the Prince. Sneak. Yes forfooth, I'le carrv them. Py. La ! you are fo quick ! I have charg'd you not to shoot your bolt, before you underftand your mark. And you shall carry them like a Citizen ; call your felf Crafie ; fell them at my price ; and now caft no further. You fee the limits of your underftanding. Now Sir, how will you bear your felf to his Grace .'' How behave your felfe at Court .? Sneak. I hope I am not too wife to learne. Py. The City Wit. 323 Py. Why, that was well fpoken. Modeft mis- trufl is the firft ftep to knowledge. Remember that fentence. Now mark. I will inftru6l you : When you come at the Court gate, you may neither knocke nor piffe. Do you mark .-• You go through the Hall cover'd ; through the great Chamber cover'd ; through the Prefence bare ; through the Lobby cover'd ; through the Privy Chamber bare ; through the Privy Lobby cover'd ; to the Prince bare. Sneak. I'le doe't I warrant you. Let me fee. At the Court gate neither knock nor make water. May not a man break wind t Py. Umh, yes : but (like the Exchequer pay- ment) fomewhat abated. Sneak. Through the great Chamber bare. Py. Cover'd. Sneak. Coverd .'' Well : Through the Prefence cover'd. Py. Bare. Sneak. Bare .' I will put all downe in my Table- book, and con it by the way. Py. Well thought on. Something he has in him like my husband ! But now you come before the brow of Royalty. Now for your carriage there Sir: Suppofe me the Prince. Come in, and prefent. Here fits the Prince. There enters the Jeweller. Make your honors. Let me fee you do it hand- fomly. Sneak. Yes, now I come in ; make my three legs — And then — Py. Kneele. Sneak. Yes ; and fay — Py. What.? Sneak. Nay, that I know not. Py. An't pleafe your Grace, I have certain Jewells to prefent to your liking. D 2 Sneak. 324 The City Wit. Sneak. An't pleafe your Grace, I have certain Jewels to prcfent to your liking. Py. Is this Crafie, that had wont to ferve me with Jewells ? It is that honeft man, fo pleafe your Highneffe. That's for M. Holyzvater, the by- flatterer to fpeak. You are a Cuckoldly Knave, Sirrah, and have often abufed me with falfe and deceitfuU ftones. Sneak. My ftones are right, fo pleafe your Ex- cellence. Py. Why that was well. Very well. I perceive there is a certain infe6lion taken with lying with a woman that hath a good wit. I finde it by my husband. Come, I'le difguife you, and away to Court inflantly. Sneak. Truly wife, I fear I fliall be difcover'd among the Gallants prefently. Py. No, no, A fool is never difcover'd among madmen. Exeunt. ACT. III. Scene III. Enter Tf'yinan, Crafy. Crafy in his Court habit. Craf.X'XJYAX Z>d?/, (that thou faift is thy name) VV though I had forgotten thee, I protcft. About London-wall was it (faift thou }) Well, I cannot but highly commend thy wifdom in this, that fo well haft mended thy ele6lion ; from being a fountain of aches, bald brows, and broad plaflers, thus to remember thy Creation. Try. I did confider, and I thinkc rightly, what I The City Wit. 325 I was ; and that men that lov'd my ufe, lov'd it but to loath me : Therefore I chang'd my felf into this fhape of a demure, innocent Countrey Wid- dow, that had fcarce beauty enough to be tempted, but not wit enough to be naught ; and quite forfook the path I trod in, and betook me to this private courfe of cozenage. CraJ. But all my wonder is at the means, how thou gott'fl into this houfe and reputation. And to be held a woman of fuch an eftate. Try. That fhall bee made plaine to you here- after. Enter Crack. Now Brother Geffrey y where left you M. Wolfie ? Crack. Among the Mercers, fo troubled, as if all the Sattin in Cheapjide were not enough to make you a wedding Gowne. He is over-joy'd that his happy day is at hand ; and I over-heard him invite one fpeciall friend to his Nuptialls. He cannot contain himfelf. On a fudden he fell a fmging, O JJiees a dainty Widdow. O are you come Sir, in your new fhape t Dos not that beard fit you handfomly } Thank my acquaintance with the Players. Craf. I thinke thou art acquainted any way, to fet out knavery. Crac. If you can perform your part as well, 'tis well. Heark, I hear him coming. Enter Linjie Wooljie. Lin. Where are you fweet Widdow } Look you. Look you : How do you like thefe patterns .■* Try. Sir, here's a Gentleman has a Letter to you : He tells me it imports the making, or the undoing of his deareft friend. D 3 Lin. 326 The City Wit. Lin. From whom I pray you ? Lin. Cra. VourfometimesneighborSir, M. Crafy. reads. Try. It fhall take effe6l, doubt not. Cra. He fcratches his head, though. Try. He had as liefe part with his blood as his money. Lin. M. Crafy writes to me for thirty pound ; the value of a Ring I had of him. I grant I am to pay threefcore at my day of Marriage. But we are all mortall. And who knowes whether I fhall live till to morrow. Craf. If not, Sir, your Bond is due to night : For it is equally payable at your hour of death. Lin. O, but fuch payments never trouble a man. What the eye fees not Try. Are you in Bonds, M. Woolfie, for your day of Marriage .-* Lin. Only for this fixty pound. 'Tis for that Ring you weare, and I gave you upon our Con- tra6l. 'Tis worth thirty pound ready mony. Try. Then when you are married, you may fay you paid the reft for your wife. Pray Sir make even fuch reckonings before you wed. It will fhew nobly in you towards your poor Creditor, and be a fpeciall argument of your love to me, your wife. Pray difcharge it, I fhall not think you love me elfe. Lin. Heark you Sir, if you will take thirty pound in full payment, and give me in my Bond, here is your mony. 'Tis your befl: courfe. Alas, I am an unlikely fellow for wedlock. What woman, thinke you, would beftow her felf upon me, a ftalc Bat- chcllor, unhandfome and poor — not worth above fix or feven thoufand pound } Do ; take thirty pound. afide. Craf. If you pleafc to befriend Mr. Crafy but with thirty pound, He fet it receiv'd upon the Bond. Here The City Wit. 327 Here it is. And he fhall demand no more till it be due. Try. Pray Sir pay it all, and take in your Bond. You fhall be married within thefe two dayes ; to morrow, if you pleafe : What ufe will your money yeeld you for a night .-' Pray pay it. In truth Tie pay it elfe. 'Tis but threefcore pound. Lin. .Saift thou fo, Sweetheart. Come Sir. Come in and tell your money Exit. Craf. And thank you too, good M. Linjie Woljie, that knew fo well, a bargaine was a bargaine, and would not part with your money to be laugh'd at among your neighbours. I would heartily now, if I could intend it. But I muft purfe your money, and then about my Court affairs. This wench I am infinitely beholden to. She remembers fome old curtefie that I have forgotten. Perhaps I pidled with her when I was Prentice. Exit. VOL. I. D 4 ACT. 328 The City Wit. ACT. III. Scene IV. Eyiter Sarpego, iri gorgeous Apparell. Sar." I ''His is the Prefence. I am much amaz'd, X or ftupified, that Mr. Tobias Sjieakuf, my quondam Pupill, attends not my Condu6l ! Ha ! So inftant was his Grace, his importunity to enjoy me, that although I purchafed the loan of Cloaths, yet I had not vacation, nor indeed variety to fhift my fhirt. And now I come to Court, I feel certain little Cattell of infamous generation about me, that do moft infeparably haunt me. Now if (when the Prince furveyes me) any of them being ftrangers here, fhould peep to behold ftrange fights, and his Grace perceive them, What fliould I anfvver .-• Crajie at the hangings. Craf. O, my glorified Pedant in his moft naturall ftrut! Sar. I will fay it was by influence of the heavens ; or, to appear the more perfe6l Courtier at the firft dafh, I will fay, that though my outfide were glorious, yet of purpofe I left my infide lowfie. Enter Sneakup like a Citizen. Sed, O Dii\ Quern video ? nonne Mr. Sneakup f Cra. See my worfhipfuU Father-in-Law ! Now the Woodcocks flioot into the glade. Sneak. The City Wit. 329 Sneak. Pray ye peace, you muft not know me. Sar. O inonjirimi horrendum ! May not you and I know one another ? Sneak. Pray go home, and ask my wife. Enter Crafy in hajle. Craf. Mr. Crajie. Is not one Mr. Crafie here .'' Sneak. Yes Sir. Here is Mr. Crajie for a need Sir. Craf. Well done : Be bold Sir. Let not your dilTimulation be read in your eyes. You know me ; give me the Jewells. Sneak. Yes Sir. Craf. Let me alone to prefent them to his Grace, and praife them, before you are call'd. Sneak. Will you do fo Sir .-' Craf. Yes ; For you know I muft not feem to indeare them before your face : For that would fmell rank of correfpondency. Sneak. You fay right Sir. Craf. But betwixt us both wee'l make a fliift to cheat him. Stay you here. I will returne inftantly. O Mr. Sarpego ! Your Pupill will come and condu6l you prefently. Thus fometimes, by deceit, deceit is known. ' Tis honefl craft, by wit to get ones oivn. — Exit. Enter Ticket, Rufflit, Toby. To. My Qiio7idavi Pedagogue ! Sar. My Nuper Alumjtus ! Come, prefent me to the Grace of Greatnefs. I am ready ; behold I am approach'd according to thy intreats, to approve thy praife, and mine own perfe6lion. Set on : His Grace fhall fee that we can fpeake true Latin, and conftrue Ludovicus vives : Go, fet on. Tob. I 330 The City Wit. Tob. I cry you mercy Sir. Upon my troth, I tooke you for Mr. Sarpcgo, my learned Tutor. He is very like him ; Is he not Gentlemen } But now I come to my felfe againe, I remember this was never his walke, nor thefe his cloaths. Say. Sent you not a Nuntius, or a Meffenger for me, intimating, that it was his Grace his inftant defire, to entertain me as his Inflruftor .'' Tic. Alas, he has over-ftudied himfelf! You were befb let blood in time Sir. Sar. Sent I not you, by the fame meffenger, your ten pound } Tob. My ten pound } Ha, ha ha : I would laugh ifaith, if you could bob me off with fuch payment. Rtiff. Sure Sir, you ufe fome Dormitaries. Beft fliave your head, and 'noint it with Oyl of Rofes. Tob. Father ! Father ! Sneak. Pray peace fon. The plot will be dif- cover'd elfe. Tob. The plot } what plot } Sneak. The Jewells are fent in. What, I am Mr. Crajie now, you know. I fhall be fent for in to his Grace inftantly. Tob. Midfummer Moon ! Midfummer Moon ! Sneak. In very truth fon, hit as 'twill, I fay we are beholding to Mr. Holywater. Tob. Heaven not bleffe me, if I underftand not the Baboons mumpings better then your fpeech. You are more dark then Delplios. What Holy- ivater f Sneak. Why the Gentleman, you know, you fent to bring M. Crafie to ferve his Grace with Jewells. Tob. Father, Heaven pardon me : For fure I have a great defire to call you Cockfcomb. I fent no man ; nor is there any fo ftiled as Holywater about the Court. Tic. Do you not want flcep fir .■* Ruff. The City Wit. 33 1 Ruff. Or have you not feen a fpirit fir ? Tie. Or have you not over-mus'd, or over- thought your felfe, as wee doubt Mr. Sarpego, here, has done ? Tob. Or has not my mother over-beaten you, father ? You may tell me. Sneak. Son, I am not fo very a foole, but I per- ceive I am made a ftark Affe. Oh fonne, thy father is cozen'd ; and thy mother will beat me indeed, unleffe your charity conceal me in the Court here^ till her fury be over. Ticket. Hee fhall ftay at my Wives Chamber. Riifflit. And there inftruft us in the paffages of this cozenage. Tob. Do not weep father. My Lady Ticket \s\\\ appeafe all. Ruff. Adieu Mr. Sarpego. Lure your braines backe againe. Exeunt. Sar. Sic tranjit gloria Mundi. The learned is Cony-caught ; and the lover of Helicon is laugh'd at. The laft fix-pence of my fortune is fpent ; and I will go cry in private. Exit. ACT. 332 The City Wit. ACT. nil. Scene I. Enter Crafy like a Dancer. Craf.^\^Q\\, whilft my politike Mother-in-La\v l\l is in expeftation of her great adventure, and my worfliipfuU Father-in-Law ftinks at Court for feare of her ; I in this laft difguife will purfue my new affairs. Me-thinks thefe Jewells fmile on me now more chearfully then when they were mine owne before. Firft to my honeft Punk. Crack meets Crafie at the doore. Crnc. Who would you fpcak with Sir } Craf. With thy fifter. I)ofl: thou not know mee Jejfrcy. Where is flie ? Look better on me. Crac. O, is it you Sir } Hang me if I knew you in this habit ; though I was fet here on purpofe to watch for you. Craf. What's the matter Jeffrey ? Crac. Sir fhe is fallen into a new fit of Melan- choly. Some new project flie has in her noddle. But fhe defires you to worke upon this, \lie gives him a paper.'] I dare not be feen to talk with any body. Exit. Craf What new device is this .'' [^/le reads^ Since I laft faw you, your Mother-in-Law, Mrs. Sneakup, has earneflly dealt with mc to make mc a Bride for her fonne Tobias. If there may be any thing wrought out of it to benefit you, I will fuddenly take occafion to break with the Foole Wolfie\ of whom The City Wit. 333 whom I am heartily weary ; and after, be wholly difpofed by you. Sure this wench ftudies nothing but my profit. Well : I have thought already to make the beft of her. Now to my new Miftreffe. This is the houfe, and here's her maid. Enter Bridget. Bri. Would you fpeak with any here Sir } Craf. With your Miftreffe, (I take it) Mriftreffe Crafie. Bri. May not I deliver your mind unto her Sir ? Craf. My bufinefs is of weight and fecrefie : yet you may tell her, here is the Gentleman that her Doftor fent her. Bri. O fhe experts him moft impatiently — Pray enter Sir. She's ready for you, there before you Sir Exit Crafie. A bufineffe of mine owne makes me wait here. I think I faw my learned Love make this way. But he (alas) though fmall in fleflily growth, By reafon of his high preferment is Now growne too great for me. Enter Sarpego micfing. 'Tis hee ; I know his ftature, Though not his cloaths, the Enfigns of his great- nefs. In which how big he feems, though but a fprawler ! So cloaths can make men greater, but not taller. Hee's deep in ftudy ; I dare not interrupt him. Sar. I have adventur'd, though with trembling feet. Unto this Manfion, to exonerate. At leaft extenuate my fufpirations For 334 The City Wit. For my dear lofs. The Lady of this place, Who had an equall venture, and hath fuffer'd In the fame Fate with me, may eafe my forrow. Solatnen miferis focios hubnijfe doloris. I of my wrongs, and fhe of hers fhall clamor. But ecce nojler ubi effet A mor. Bri. Moft worfhipfull Sir, welcome from Court, If your poor Handmaid may prefume to fay fo. Sar. Where is your Miftreffe ? I mean your grand Matrona, Mrs. Sneakiip. Bri. In the firft place let me befeech you Sir, Vouchfafe your anfwer to a longing Maid, That can be comforted in nothing more. Then the good newes of your profperity ; Of which I hope a part at leafl: to be, Preferr'd by your late promife to your fervice. Sar. I will now breath a moft ftrongand Poeticall execration Againft the Univerfe. [Bri.] Sir I befeech you — Sar. From henceforth £rit Fluvius Deucalionis The world fhall flow with dunces ; Rcgnabitque, and it fhall raine Dogmata Folia Sophon, Dogs and Polecats, and fo forth. Bri. His Court advancement makes him mad, I fear. Sar. From hence let learning be abomination 'Mong the Plebeians, till their ignorance Shall lead them blinde into the Lake of Lethe. Bri. What pity 'tis that honour and high places Should make men lofe their wits, fometimes their heads ! Sar. May Peafantry and Idiotifm trample Upon the heads of Art and Knowledge, till The world be fhuffled in th' prifline Chaos. Bri. Dear Sir, though you are highly dignified, Forget not the preferment, that you promis'd me. To The City Wit 335 To fcratch your head ; to make your bed ; to wafh Your fliirt ; to pick your toes, and to evacuate Your Chamberpot. Sar. Elephantem ex Mufca facit. She takes me for a Mountaine, that am but a Mole-hill. But when fhe reads my poverty agen, And that thefe Garments muft return to th' Gambrels, Her fcorn will be impetuous. Enter Jofma, Crafie. yo. Go finde another room maid for your talk, Mr. Sarpego, my mother calls for you. Sar. Has fhe receiv'd Aliquid novi, newes from Court } Jo. She has now receiv'd a Letter. Pray be gone, I have more ferious bufmefs of mine own. Ex. Sar. You are the Creature then that my deare Brid. Do6lor has fent me, that can dance, read, write, and be fecret. I fhall ufe you all in all. And I prithee how fares my Phyfitian .'' Cra. I can confirm that he is yours proteftedly. And to morrow night — Jo. Peace: Here comes my mother. Enter Pyannet reading a Letter. I can my Cinquepace friend. But I pr'thee teach me fome tricks. Who would care for a female, that moves after the plain pace .-' No : Give me the woman of tricks. Teach me fome tricks I prethee. Cra. Ha ! Tricks of twenty : Your traverfes, Slidings, Falling back, Jumps, Clofings, Openings, Shorts, Turns, Pacings, Gracings— As for — Coran- toes, Levoltoes, Jigs, Meafures, Pavins, Brawls, Galliards, or Canaries. I fpeak it not fwellingly, but I fubfcribe to no man. 7of. 336 The City Wit. Jo/. Tis a rare fellow ! Py. Am I then cheated ? my wit begins to be out of countenance. O the Plague that hangs over her head that has a foole to her husband, as thou and I have daughter. yo. How now fweet mother } What ill newes changeth your face thus .? Py. O deare daughter, my Lady Ticket writes here, that the fool, thy father, is cheated of two rich Jewells, that thou and I flole from the Ideot thy husband Crajie. Cra. O that Crafy was ever a filly fellow. Py. A very Citizen, a very Citizen. How fhould I call you Sir .'' yo. One Mr. Footwell, Mother ; who teacheth Gentlewomen to doe all things Courtly, to dance Courtly, to love their husbands Courtly Cra. Your name is Mrs. Pyannet, I take it. Py. Pyannet Sneakiip, Sir. Cra Your husband is cozen'd at Court, I take it. Py. So my Lady Ticket writes, Sir. Cra. That Lady Ticket is a cunning creature. I have been inward with her ; And fuch are my private Intelligences, that if equall curtefie might recompence, I could unfhale c plot is upon you. Py. Recompence .'' Sir command me, command my daughter, my maid, my houfe, onely tell it I befeech you. Jo. I pray fee wherein we may be gratefuU. I pray fpeak. Cra. So it is, I am a decayed Gentleman, quite out of repaire ; fallen for want of means to the ufe of my feet : Nor have I hope to fee better light, but onely that Love and Fortune have put upon me a right wealthy widdow. She lyes at a near neighbours houfe here ; and here I hover about her : but for want of fome good friends countenance, The City Wit. 337 countenance, fome meanes for cloaths and fit houf- ing, fhe holds off from confummating our Marriage. Now Lady Py. 1 apprehend you Sir. Bring her to me ; lodge her with me ; He call you Coufen /. Is fhe very rich } At a neer neighbours, faid you, — Not fhe at Mr. Wolfies, is it t Cra. The very fame. Py. (By'r Lady a match for my Efquir'd fon and heire. Beare a braine dancer, or I may chance to fhew you a croffe caper.) Sir, bring your Widdow. Sweare to your felfe my houfe is yours. Now the plot, or I burft. Cra. Why then will I difclofe who cozen'd you ; by what meanes you are injur'd, and how you may be reveng'd, onely you flial vow to conceale the fecret-revealer, elfe you lofe the benefit of further Intelligence. Py. Stand off daughter : I will not truft mine. own flefh with a fecret ; for in truth I have found it fraile. Now fpeak, I befeech you. Cra. Sure, precious Miftreffe, very abfolute crea- tures have had Cockfcombs to their husbands. Py. Nay that's indubitable, I know it by my felf. Cra. Marry to bee made Cuckqueane by fuch a Cockfcombe, to have her Jewells prig'd away, to beftow on a Court Miftreffe ; to have a trick put upon her, as you have, 'twould move (I muft con- M{€) a woman that were not part a Philofopher, and had a ftrong wit as you have. Why did you not feele the deceit } your husbands unworthineffe, having no meanes to enjoy this Court-Lady but by gifts ; and having no courfe for gifts, but from you,_ procures fome Pander to performe a fain'd mefiage. Your hope of game puts the weighty truft upon the counterfeit fool your hufband ; his fimplicity feems cozen'd, whilfl this Ladv excufes E ' all 338 The City Wit. all, and keeps all : So that your own Jewells pur- chafe your owne horns ; nay, and you were not withall laught at for your purchafe, 'twere fcarce enough to run mad for, Py. 'Tis moft plaine : I will have fuch a revenge, as never woman had. Enter Ticket. Tic. Good Mrs. Pyannet, bear't as well as you may : Your loffe is heavy, yet under the ftrength of your conftant wifdome Ifaith my wife was fo carefuU left you fhould take too deep fenfe of it, that fhe importun'd my own prefence to comfort you : For fure I know Py. You are a Wittally Cuckold I know. I commend thy wives modefty yet : She will not doe it afore thy face, but will fend thee out of an errand yet. Tic. What mean you } you amaze me. Py. Nay, I look you fhould feem ignorant : What, to take fenfe or notice of your home, as long as it winds you into profit, were moft un- courtly. Well, you heare not me rage nor rave : marry I will flit the Drabs nofe, crop off her eares, fcratch out her eyes Tic. Bleffe us ! Py. Teare off her haire, plucke out her throat, that's all. Come along Sir. lo. Now they are gone, I prethee Exit. Py. M. Footwell ftay a little, I will fetch Tic. thee fome Letters to read for me, which I have not open'd yet, becaufe I durft truft no body. Exit. Craf. Thefe Letters mufl neceffarily come from my Brace of Courtiers, Sir Ticket, and Monfieur Rufflit, which I will read cleane contrary, as if they flighted Ttie City Wit. 339 flighted her, and anfwer them acroffe from her meaning, as if fhe flighted them : And fo letting my felfe downe into their inwards on both fldes, what they can get, or what my wife has, will I pump into mine owne purfe. E titer Jofina with two Letters. Jo. Now deare M. Footwell, as ever you pitied the cafe of a poor Gentlewoman, that would faine ufe her beauty, whilft there is fome pleafure in it, read and anfwer thefe Letters with commanding eloquence ; force them to affeft me. Cra. Ha, ha, ha : Will you not be offended, if I read them truly ? Jo. No : I prethee what is't ? Cra. Stay, it feems you have written to them. Jo. Yes : but I cannot read the anfwer. Prethee what ift } Cra. Faith youle be angry. Jo. Nay, and you love me, what ist } Cra. Sir Atidrew here, he fayes, tis not your broad brim'd hat, your tiffeny dreffe, Spanifli ruffe, and filver bodkin can make him difloyall to his wives bed. Rufflit here, he writes that you have a groffe body, a dull eye, a lowe forehead, a black tooth, a fat hand, and a moft lean purfe. I there's it : And you could but give, and you had but to fend Jo. A lean purfe ! Cra. I, the lean purfe. There's the Devill : Were you as bald as Time, as ftiffly wrinkled as frozen plow'd Lands, more dry then a Fever, more leane then death ; had you ingrofs'd deformity, yet if you had but to give Jo. Why Footwell, though my husband be but a Bankrupt Knave E 2 Cra. 340 The City Wit. Cra. Nay faith, rather a fool, Miftreffe. Jo. Well, fool let him be then ; yet I have a Mother will not fee me want for neceffary ends : And I hope I had the wit to cozen my husband of fomewhat againfb a rainy day. Look you Sir, I kept thefe for a friend in a corner. Cra. Nay, but I would not wifh you to fend them now : What, relieve the bafe wants of prating Skipjacks to pay for your damnation .-' Jo. Nay thats fure, I will not give them. Cra. And yet, ifaith, what can a Gentlewoman give too much for her pleafure .-' Can there be a more heavy difgrace blowne abroad upon any Lady, then that flie has not at the leaft two fervants, fmce many Lovers are the onely noble approvement of beauty .'' lo. He fend them both, thats fure. Cra. But both of them to Mr. Rtifflit : Oh, hee's an abfolute fpirit ! He has an Englifli face, a French tongue, a Spanifh heart, an Irifh hand, a Welch Leg, a Scotch beard, and a Dutch buttock. Jo. 1:1 am wholly his, I will fend all to him. Cra. O but Sir Andrew, he is a Courtly Lover : He can kiffe you courtly, handle you Courtly, lye with you Courtly. Jo. O yes : he fhall have one. I prethee praife me to them both, and commend to each of them one of thefe Jewells, not that I doe fo much care for the ufe of them, yet becaufe I would not be wonder'd at like an Owle among my neighbors, for living honcft in my husbands abfence. I prethee work effeftually for mee, fweet M. Footwell. Exit. Enter Kuffl'it, J/>yin£- her going out. Riif. Mr. Crafie : Hifl; Mrs. Crafie. Cra. Peace Sir, forbeare : As you would hope, doe The City Wit. 341 doe not purfue a woman when fhe is out of the humor. O, untimely importunity is mofb diftaftfull. There are certain feafons to take the coldeft Appe- tite, when fhe is pinning a Ruffe, playing with a Monkey, hearing a wanton Song, or half drunk. Ruf. What are you Sir } Cra. A private Meffenger to you Sir, from the Gentlewoman you purfue. This is your hand, is it not .? Ruf. Yes: Cra. You may keep your Letter. Ri/f. But what fayes my utmoft hope, the end of my ambition .'' Cra. Only that you are poor, a Gallant of a very wanting fortune. Ruf. The more honor for her to redeem me. Cra. Alas, I think her means are but weak, her hufbands finking hath brought her low. Ruf. Her husband ! Alas poor fly ; onely made to be fuck'd and forfaken. His wife has the life- blood of her fortunes in her, and Tie be her cup- ping-glaffe. Cra. I wonder his wife could nourifh fo unbeliev- ing a confcience ! Ruf. Confcience ! All things rob one another : Churches poule the People, Princes pill the Church; Minions draw from Princes, MiftreiTes fuck Minions, and the Pox undoes Miftreffes ; Phyfitians plague their Patients ; Orators their Clients ; Courtiers their Suitors, and the Devill all. The water robs the earth, earth choakes the water : fire burns ayre, ayre ftill confumes the fire. Since Elements themfelves do rob each other, And Phosbe for her light doth rob her Brother, What ifl: in man, one man to rob another } Cra. You have fpoken moft edifyingly fir, but H 3 for 342 The City Wit. for you, of whom I underftand Crafy merits the beft Offices ; for you to corrupt his Wife, and with a covetous firming expe6l ufe for the loan of your Loines ! Ruff. Death man, they are my Exchecquer, my Rent : Why I have no poffeffion but my Eflate taile. And as for Crafy, he has no wit ; he was created a foole, to have Knaves work upon him : a fellow made to have fome pity, and all wrong ; he had ever an open Purfe, and now an empty. He made it a common hole, every Gallant had his fingers in it. Every man lov'd his Fortune, fqueez'd it, and when it was unjuic'd, farewell kind heart. I confefs I owe him a good turn : He pay't his Wife. He kept her alwaies exquifitely neat ; temptingly gallant, and as a protefted Cuckold fliould do, about his degree and means fumptuoufly proud. Her Eye artificially fpirited, her Cheek furphuled, her Teeth blanch'd, her Lip painted, her Neck car- kanetted, and her Breft bar'd almoft to her Belly. And fliall a peece, thus put out to fale, fland un- attempted, as not worth the purchafe. Cra. Yes Sir, if you could compaffe her; as fure flie may be corrupted : for flie is very covetous. Ruff. If 1 could but make fhew of a Gift, or prefent one Cra. Only not to appeare of fo needy a Fortune — Why if you chance to poffefs her. Ruff. Pifh, tweare all mine again, and all that fhe had befides. And troth, I think fhe is wealthy. Cra. Wealthy ! look you Sir, Here are two of her Jewels, I fetcht from an Ant of hers, where they lay hid from her Husband. Thefe are not worth the purfuit. Rtiff. Nay, tis an eafie Female: He, that has her, has all. What fliould I fend } A Gift would do The City Wit. 343 do it. Let me think. Tis but a grofs-bodyed Wench, with a blackifli haire neither. Cra. Oh the better. Your lean No-bodies with yellow Manes have moft commonly rotten teeth and wicked breaths. No, your full plump Woman is your only Venus. Rujf. A hundred golden peeces I am intrufted withall by my elder Brother, to purchafe a peece of Injuftice. If I fhould fend them Cra. Oh Sir, thefe both were yours, and they too. She pretends this ftraine, but onely to explore your ftrength of means, and to try how far you dare engage them for her enjoying. Ruff. I will fend them, win her, ufe her, fuck her Purfe, recover my own, gain hers, and laugh at the poor Cuckhold her Husband. Commend with thefe my lifes blood, and Soules fervice to my Miftris. Farewell. — Exit. Enter Ticket. Cra. Sir Andrew Ticket, I take it. Tic. The fame, Sir. Is Mrs. Crafie within ? I cannot keep pace with her Mother. O, when jealoufie is once fet a going, it runs on high fpeed. But let her make haft to arrive at Court, while I land on her Daughter in the City. Is fhe privately idle >. Crafie fpits at Ticket. What doft thou mean by that ? Cra. My Vow's difcharg'd, and her Revenge is done. I am no Pandar, Sir, and yet I am of Counfell with Smock fecrets. Buttock bufineffe Sir. Are you fo ftale a Courtier, and know not the necefTity of Gifts .-' "^ VOL. I. Tic. 344 '^^^^ c^^y ^Vit. Tic. Is that the matter I am rejefled by her ? Cra. Why ? would it not provoke any Woman to be called foole, and foule-face ? Tic. I never call'd her fo, by the Soule of my Affeftion, not I. Cra. No ; Do you not intimate flie is a foole, when you hope to enjoy her without a Gift ? And foule, when your negleft of coft faies fhe deferves none. Tic. 'Fore Heaven I was a filly Affe, now I think on't, to fend a Sonnet without fome rich prefent. Cra. Why Sir ? A rnan muft do as he would be done to. Do you, or any man ufe tc be made Cuckhold for nothing .-• Tic. I fliould have fent a Gift. What, if I enjoy her, fhe may requite it. Cra. May ; Nay can ; nay will. Look you Sir, here's Gold. Here are Jewels They are hers ; they may be yours. I would not feem a Pandar to you though ; for you have a W'ife Sir. Tic. Pifli, who cares to drink out of a River .'' What I can command out of duty hath but a dull relifli. Had not Dancp been kept in her brafs Tower, she had never tempted a Gods piercing. I muft fend, though it be but to (hew the ability of my Fortune, and the defert of her Beauty. Cra. And then to fend but a trifle would difgrace both. Tic. Hold, convey this Carckanet unto her ; tis of value, and let her read by this, how much I feek her. Cra. And how deare you hold her. Sir, I can fpcak ; but / ufe to take nothing for my paines. Tic. Yes, receive this little — Nay, I prethee. Cra. Only not to appease Uncourtly, or uncivill. I protefl I abhor Pandarifme ; only as a fecond, or fo. As you have beheld two Horfes knubbing one another ; The City Wit. 345 another ; Ka me, Ka thee, an old kind of Court- fhip. Tic. I prethee return inftantly my fuccefs : You fhall find me at the Ordinary ; come and Dine with me. Cra. I have procur'd a private Stable for my Horfe : And therefore I my felfe would be loth to ftand at Livery. Cra. Doft compare common Stables for Horfes, and publick Ordinaries for Gallants together. Cra. Troth yes fir, for as in Stables, here a goodly Gelding of twenty Pounds price, and there a raw- backd Jade of foure Nobles by him. So at Ordi- naries, here a worthy Fellow of means and virtue, and there a Cheating Shifter of wants and cofenage. Here a Knight, there a Beggar ; Here a Gallant, there a Gull : Here a Courtier, there a Coxcomb ; Here a Juftice of Peace, and there an Efquire of low Degree. Or, in dire6l Phrafe, a Pandar. Tic. Such a one as thou art. Cra. Umh. Virtue goes often wetfliod, and is forc'd to be cobled up with bafe means, to hold out water and cold neceffity. You command me no further fir. Tic. No honeft Knave, farewell Exit Crafy. Now Mr. Crafy, will I button up your Cap with a Court-brooch. You demand Debts, do you .'' He pay you none. Oh twas a notable dull Flat-Cap. He would in- vite Courtiers ; ftand bare, fay grace, make legs, kifs his hand, ferve us in perfum'd linnen, and lend us money upon our words, or bare words. Were't not a fin to let fuch a foole paffe unfuckt .'' No, Fortune drcft him only for us to feed on, and He fall to. Exit. ACT. 346 The City Wit. ACT. IV. Scene \\. La. Ticket. Sneakup. Toby. Page. La. Tic. T3 EE comforted Mr. Sneakup ; Remem- J3ber you are in my Chamber. Beare the heart of a Husband, who fcorns to tremble at the face of his Wife .'' Do not feare fir. Tob. Stand firm Father, do not finck before the face of a Lady. La. I have fent my own Husband to fatisfie her, and I hope he will do it throughly. Be your felfe therefore ; all the Pleafures the Pallace can afford, fliall ftrive to mitigate your feares. Sneak. Have you any Pleaiurcs in the Court, can make a man forget he has a Wife .'' To. Sir we have pleafures will make a man for- get any thing, even himfclfe ; therefore neceffarily his wife, who is but part of himfelfe. La. T. Boy, fmg your fong of the Court de- lights. They The City Wit. 347 They fit : Sneakups head in the Ladies lap. The Page fiJigs Enter Pyannet witli a Trnnclieo7i. Sarpego. Py. Are you lull'd in your delights ? No pillow for your Goatifh head, but her Ladyfhips lap ? Sneak. O dear ! O wife ! I did not know^ you were fo nigh truly. Py. You are ignorant ftill, I know : But I will make th}' bones fufifer as well as my browes. Thou Cullion, could not thine own Cellar ferve thee, but thou mufl be fneaking into Court Butteries ? Sneak. Oh, oh, oh Sar. VcB fnifero. To. Hold deare mother. La.T. Sweet Mrs. Pya)inet hold. Py. Art thou there, daughter of an Intelligencer, and ftrumpet to a Bearward .■' La.T. Now Beauty bleffe me, was not thy mother a notorious Tripe-wife, and thy father a profeft Harefinder .'' Gip you Flirt. Py. How now Madam Tiffany ! Will none but my Cock ferve to tread you ? Give me my Jewells thou Harlot. To. Mother — Pray Mother — Py. Befbow fteeping thy skin in perfumes to kill the ftink of thy paintings, and rotten inwards to catch Cockfcombs. To. Dear mother, Py. But thou (halt not cozen, and Cucquean me. To. Sweet mother — Sar. Lnpics in fabula. The Devill's in the womans tongue. Py. A whip on her ; rotten eggs and kennell dirt on her filken Whorefliip. Sar. 348 The City Wit. Sar. Nil tarn difficile. Nothing can lay her. La.T. Nay, let the Countrey Gentlewoman bee mad and rave on ; flie knowes I know my Countrey Gentlewoman had a Baftard before fhee was mar- ried. Py. Did um fo .'' The Countrey Gentlewoman was more chafte in a Baftard, then the Court Madam in her barrenneffe. You underftand- me ; you have no Green-fickneffe there, yet (I hope) you have few Chrifl'nings ; you have trickes for that, have you ? To. Nay mother Py. You have your Kickfhaw^s, your Players Marchpaines ; all fhew and no meat. Sar. Nulli paietrabilis AJlro. Shee'l heare no reafon. La. T. Go to ; you know how in private you com- mended your Horfe-keeper to me. Py. Well : And didfl not thou in as much privacy counfell me to contemn my husband, and ufe an Italian trick that thou wouldft teach me .'* Sar. Quid faciendum f Beft' ftop their mouths .•* La.T. Out you bawble ; you trifle ; you burden fmock'd fweaty fluttery, that couldft love a fellow that wore worfled ftockins footed, and fed in Cooks fhops. Sar. Jaculis & Arcu. Thunder and Lightning. Py. Ods my precious Siieak. Nay dear, fweet wife — Py. How's this — To. Honey Mother — Py. Take this, and take all. Why goody Com- plexion, thou Rammy Naftineffe, thou knoweft wherefore thy Gentlewoman left thee ; did fhe not fwcare that flie To. For modcftics fake — Py. The City Wit. 349 Py. Had rather be at the opening of a dead old man, then ftand dreffing thy head in a morning. Remember the Page that wore thy pi(5lure, and the fong which thou hadft in the praife of the male Baboon. Sar. Tacete parviili : You have faid too much. To. Indeed mother you will be forry, when you know how much you miftake, fome crafty fellow has put a trick upon you. Sneak. Me-thinkes fweet wife you fliould rather condole our loffe with me. Py. Hold you your peace ; do not you prate. Sar. Redde te Harpocratem : The man is wife enough. To. 'Tis true ; misfortune hath wrought the Jewells from my father. Sneak. Inded wife, truly, truly, I am Cony- catch'd To. But for my father, or this Ladies wronging you, as I am your fon, I affure you I have been an eye-witnefs of all fair refpe6l towards you. Py. Is it even fo .'' To. Mother, as I refpe6l your bleffing it is perfe6l truth. Py. I humbly befeech you fweet Madam, that my earneft and hearty forrow may procure remif- fion for my inconfiderate and caufeleffe Inveftives. Let my confeffion feem fatisfaftory, and my con- trition win induigcncy to my forgetfull delinquency. I pray you let us kiffe and be friends. La. T. Alas fweet friend, you and I have been inward a great while, and for us to fall out, and bare one anothers fecrets — Py. Well, 'twas mine error, not malice ; but as for the procurer of it, if I pay not him in his owne Coyne — Mr. Footivcll ! He fhew you a trick of twenty. Come fon, I have a wife for thee. To. 350 The City Wit. To. A Wife ! a Wife, Mother ! O where is fhee? Py. I, my boy, a Wife — To. O ho. Py. And fuch a one as thou fhalt bleffe me for procuring. Curteoufly farewell, fweet Madam : Where's my Fool .■' Come, leave the Court firrah, and man your owne wife into the City Exeunt omnes. ACT. nil. Scene III. yojina, Crafy. Jo. 13 Ut I prethee fatisfie me : What returne J3they .-* Received they my Jewells ? Cra. Yes, they prov'd acceptive. Jo. And what faid they } Can they afife^ } Cra. Can they be damned .'' Before I will un- dergoc againe fuch a bufmefs — fore Heaven I do as little differ from a Pander ! only I have nothing for my pains, or elfe Jo. Thou fhalt have. Are thy news happy .•* Cra. Are your own wifhes happy .-• Jo. Hold, fpend this ten pound for me, Footzvel. Cra. Will you make me a Bawde. What a Bawde .-* And yet introth, what would not a man be for your fake, that have fuch wit and fuch bounty ! I The City Wit. 351 I cannot refufe, but fuffer your Virtue to be exer- cis'd upon me. Jof. Now, prethee fpeak ; what's their anfwer ? Cra. Why, He tell you, they are both your own. Jof. Both Footwell : I prethee how t Cra. Why, no more but this ; they are both yours ; only you know, but one hand in a Glove at once. But I had fo much to do with one of them ; fuch a coyle to draw him to it Jof. Which, I prethee.-* Sir Andrew? Craf. Even he : He faies, he underftands that you afife6l a Mountebanck. Sure, your Do6lor is but fome bafe bragging Rafcall. Jo. Do you think fo ? Craf. How fhould Sir Andrew know elfe that he is come to embrace you to night .-' Jo. Does he know that too ? Cra. Yes marry does he, which the worthy Knight takes fo contemptuoufly, fuffering fo bafe a Rivall, that he vowes, unlefs you beat him, baftinado him foundly when he comes, he will loath you moft conftantly. Jo. Enough, if I do not make him an Example to all the bawdy Quacks in the Kingdome ; fay there is no virtue in Cudgels, and Bedftaves. He charm him for opening any more fecrets of mine, He warrant him. And fo write to Sir Andrezv. Cra. Welfaid Miftrefs, be refolute. I mean to help you my felfe. Jo. He caft about for weapons inftantly. — Exit. Cra. Yes, I will write to Sir Andrezv, doubtlefs, that, which he fhall have fmall caufc to thank me for. I will write for him to come in the habit of this Do6lor. ACT. 352 The City Wit. ACT. IV. Scene IV. Linfie Woljie, Crack with a Lute, &c. Lin. ^Hee's gone, fhee's gone : Was ever man fo O cheated ? Threefcore pound for a Ring ; and the Ring gone too, for which I paid it : A moneths dyet and lodging, befides the charge of Phyfick and attendance. Five pound in dole bread, would have ferv'd my houfe a twelve moneth. I am undone ; broke, Bankrupt : But thou Rogue flialt fmart for all, now I have caught thee. Crac. Mercy, dear Sir, mercy. Liu. Were you making up your packe to bee gone too } Crac. Nothing but my own Sir, my Lute, and a few Mufick-books. Lin. You and your Miftreffe have made fweet Mufick of me : Therefore firrah quickly — Are the Beadles gone for .'' Servant within. Yes Sir. Lin. Therefore quickly, I fay, as you were an A(5ler in the Cofcnage, bring her to light, or Crac. Shee's light enough her felf : But a very Innocent I, Sir. She has cozen'd me of halfe a years fervice, wrought me off o'my leggs, ftrain'd my backe, crack'd my voyce, done me to my utter undoing ; and can you think I knew of her running away t Lin. rie make you fing another fong firrah : Are the Beadles come .-' Crac. The City Wit. 353 Crac. Any fong Sir, or as many He fings a as you pleafe. /(^f^S- Lin. Pretty I confeffe. But that's not the fong muft do it ; nor can any fong pleafe me at this time. Are the Beadles come ? Serv. within. Yes Sir, they are here. Crac. Deare Sir, let 'em forbeare a little. And if I cannot pleafe you with a fong, commit me to their fury. Lift. 'Tis but to trifle time : yet fmg He fings before you fuffer. Worfe then t'other another this ; you fhall fmg in another place, to Jong. the whip, to the whip. Sir t Bring in the Beadles, and away with him to Bridewell. Crac. Yet once more, good Sir, try me this laft time, and but promife me, if I can fmg a fong that you fhall like, to forgive and free me. Lin. Sing a fong that I fhall like, and I will free thee. Crack fings againe. Then fiiall a prefent courfe be found For M. Wolfies three/core pound \ And his Ring, And the thing That has given him thefiip Lin. I marry, that I like well. Crac. Then I have ficaf d the wliip. Lin. Think you fo Sir .^ Crac. Yes : For you like the fong well, ycm fay, and I am free ; I hope you will make good your noble City word. Sir. Lin. City words ufe not to paffe for fongs Sir : Make you good the words of your fong. Sir, and I F (hall 354 1^^^^ c^^y ^^t' fliall make my word good Sir : Come away Beadles. Crac. O flay Sir, I befeech you, and let your Juftice fall on the right shoulders. I'le confeffe all. Lin. O will you fo Sir.'* Crack. 'Tis mofl true Sir, that the Gentlewoman, whom I call'd Miftrefs, is a moft cunning whore, and a notorious cheat, Lin. Thefe are good words indeed ! Crac. Shee came to your houfe with foure men in Liveries ; they were all but hired Pandars. Li7i. Yes, and divers Trunks of fuppofed Trea- fure, which I finde to bee Baggs of Nailes, and other old Iron, and all the Rings and Stones shee boafted in her Will arc but Curtaine Rings, and Bricke-bats. Crac. Your owne covetoufnefs cozen'd you Sir : But if I now bring you not where you fliall fee how shee is fmce beftowed, and that you finde not hearty caufe to rejoyce that you were cozen'd of her, let me be whipp'd to death, Sir. Lin. Well, come along Sir: But I will have a Guard upon you. Crac. What Guard you pleafe Sir, fo my poore skin may fcape the Lash-guards. Exeunt otmies. ACT. The City Wit. 355 ACT. V. Crafy, Tryman, Pyannet, Toby. Try./^^\.\io\x Varlet, thou unconfcionable Unbe- V_yliever, ungodly Mifcreant ! Haft thou cozen'd my eafie CreduHty ? And wouldft have undone and married me, hke a Cony-catching companion, as thou art ? Didfh not thou tell me, thou hadft moderate means of life, friends of fafliion, and civill reputation ? And now this ver- tuous, religious Gentlewoman tells me, thou art an arrant Skipjack. Py. Nay, and has not a hole to put thy head in, but upon my curtefie. Try. But I thank this Matrons worfhip, her pity will not permit my eafie Nature to fuffer under thy Cofenage : But beftowes her generous Son and Heire here upon me. Py. A Gentleman of another fpheare, another ranck then you are Sirrah ; that fhall have three hundred yeare in EJjfe, and five in Poffe. Try. That is acquainted with young Lords ; has had the honour to make a Hunting match. To. I, and a challenge to ride the wilde Goofe chafe. Try. That hath made Ladies Pofies for Cheefe trenchers. To. And play'd with Counteffes at Shuttle-cock. F 2 Try. 356 The City Wit. Try. And to this Elegant Spirit and choice hope am I, and my Fortunes contrafted. Craf. How ! contra6led. Try. Yes Sir, contrafted. Look you, I dare feale it before your face. KiJJc. Cra. Are you fo. To. She is mine fir, mine fir. Do you mark, I dare likewife feale it fir. Kijfe. Cra. Is there honefty in this dealing ? Py. Yes fir, Is there not profit in this dealing ? Cra. Tis very well. If there be no Law upon words, Oathes, and Pre-contra(5ls, and Witnefs. If a man may fpend a hundred Angels upon a Widdow ; have her affied before Witnefs, and then have his Nofe wip'd of her. Why, Tis very well. Tryman takes Pyatniet and Toby ajide. Try. Intruth deare heart, and fweet Mother in expe6lation, to fpeak equally, there have fome words of courfe paft betwixt us, which may" feem to impart fome Ingagement. Surely I have been too liberall of fome fpeech of advantage. Truly it would not be amifs, (confidering his Expence and Interefl:) to fall to fome flight Compofition. Some hundred Pounds would make the poor Knave do any thing, To. Mother, let's be wife. Let's be wife Mother ; fetch a hundred peeces prefently : That even upon his firft confent, he may be fatisfy'd and filenc'd. Try. For if he chance but to be delay'd till he ask Counfell, then Py. Mum. A word to the wife. Exit. Cra. Nay, I hope as long as I am a Subje6l, I Oiall have Law : I doubt not but I fliall liave Lav\'. Try. The City Wit. 357 Try. Come Sir, you fhall not defervedly exclaim of my negle6ling you. For our fometimes Love, I have procured you a hundred Pounds. Cra. To difclaim my right in you, He take't. Here's my hand, lie take it. To. Pox, how my Mother ftaies. Cra. Scorn my Poverty ! Come, where ifl: .-' Becaufe I have not the Muck of the World. Come, the money. Enter Pyannet. Py. Here fir, upon this confideration, that you difclaim and renounce all intereft Cra. Yes moft freely. Py. In this Gentlewoman ; and do vow, never to pretend future claim to her. Cra. I do, marry To. Nay, no marries fir, you have receiv'd the money. You fhall make no more marries here. Come my betrothed Spoufe, bid a F"ice for him, Say black's thine Eye who dares. Mother lie be married to night, and to bed prefently. Py. This night. Son ; tis very late. To. never to late to be wife. I hope I am your Son ; and mufb beare a Brain. Py. Indeed, he that deales with Woman, muft take occafion by the fore Lock. Away Exit. Cra. Why ! 1 am weary of money now : I have gotten more in a weeks Cofenage, then in all my dales of Honefty. What an eafie coole thing it is to be a rich Knave ! Gramercy Picnck. A witty Wench is an excellent help at a dead lift. But in defpite of the Juflice that provok'd me, my Con- fcience a little turns at thefe brain-tricks. But they have all been ungratefull ; ungratefuU ! Tis F 3 a 358 The City Wit. a fin that fhould have no mercy : tis the Plague- fpot ; who has it fhould not hve. If \vo\y wifdome from the thundring Cloud Had given more Lawes then ten, this had enfu'd : Avoid, O man, mans Shame, Ingratitude. For my poor Lot, / could have fweetly flept In quiet want, with refolute content ; Had not defe6l of wit, uncurteous fcorn Been thruft upon me. Now they all fhall feele, When honeft men revenge, their whips are fteele. My Courtiers are the next that I muft exercife upon. This night my wife expe6ls the embraces of one of them at leafl, if this hafty Marriage call her not from her Chamber. But fhe being a right woman may prevent that with a fained fickneffe, or fo. Let me remember, I wrote to Rufflit to come like her Do6lor Pulfe-feele, to minifter to her. This will jump right with a counterfeit fick- nefs : It may, perhaps, break a Urinall about his Coxcomb. Miifick. How now ! O perceive this great Wedding goes forward. Mujick. Torches. Sarpego. Toby and Trymati. Sneakup and La. Ticket, Pyannet. Jojina in night attire. Bridget. They paffe as to the Wedding with Rofemary. Crafy whifpers Jofina. She takes leave of her Mother, feeming to com- plain of being fick ; and fo returnes with Bridget. Then enter Rufflit like a Do6lor. Cra. So, this falls out pat. She is no fooner gone Sick to her Chamber, but here comes her Phyfitian, to cover and recover her in a trice. Ruf. Hift, Footwell, Footwell. Cra. Seignor Rufflit ; I am a foole if I took you not for a Phyfitian. Ruf. She wrote to me, that I fhould come in this habit. Cra. The City Wit 359 Cra. Right Sir, to avoid fufpeft : For which caufe she has counterfeited herfelfe fick, and Hes longing and languishing till you minifter to her. Riif. And am I come pat ? am I come i'the nick ? Cra. Your Fortune fmgs in the right Cliff, fir, a wench as tender as a City Pullet. finf. But not fo rotten. Cra. Oh fir, health it felfe ; a very Reftorative. Will you in ? The way lies open before you. Ruf. Hold Footwell, tel that till I — gives him return from branching the moft meritted money. Cuckold Crafy. Poor Snake, that I muft force thee to caft thy Skin. And he were not a Citizen I could pity him : He is undone for ever. Methinks I fee him all ready make earneft fuite, to weare a red Cap, and a blew Gown ; comely to carry a Staff-torch before my Lord y\.d.yox \x-^ox\ Alhallonne night. Watch Footwell, I mount. Exit. Craf. But now, if the agitation of my Braines fhould work through my Brovves. If my Wives pitifull hand fhould fall to compofition with my Doftors Pate, and my deceit be difcovered before the Baftinado had given charge to his Shoulders, were not my Forehead in apparant danger. Tis done in three minutes. Death, my Courtier has a fanguine Complexion : He is like a Cock fparrow, Chit, Chit, and away. Heart o' man ! And I should be blown up in mine own Mine now ! Ha. Ruf. within. Hold Mrs. Crafy. Deare Bridget. Help Footwell. Cra. Ho the hubbub's rays'd, and my feare's vanisht. Enter Jofina, and Bridget beating Ruffiit : Crafy takes Bridgets Cudgell, and laies on. jfof Out you Pifpot-cafter. ^* VOL. I. F 4 Fri. 300 The City Wit. Bri. You Suppofitory. Jof. You Glifter-pipe, thinkft to dislioneft me ? Rttf. Hold, deare Lady — I am Jof. A ftincking faucy Rafcall thou art, take this remembrance. Exit. Cra. Hold, fvveet Miftrefs. Ruf. Oh I thank you good Mr. Footwell. Cra. Oh, it is not fo much worth verily. Rtif. Oh, but tis fir. He drazvs his Sword from tinder his Gowne. Crafy clofes tvithy and difarmes him. Rogue. Rogue. Nay prethee fweet Rafcall, Pox on you, I did not mean to hurt you, my honeft Vagabond, tell me, tell me : Come, who was't put this Trick upon me. Thou art a precious Villain : Come, whofe devife was it .-' Whofe plot. At whofe Suit was I Cudgel'd } Who made me feigne my felfe a Phy- fitian, till I muft be forc'd to go to the Surgeon .-' And dare' ft tell me .'' Cra. Nay, then I will tell you. Dare ! why twas your P^riend and Rivall, Sir Andrew Ticket. Rnff. Ticket. Cra. Even he fir. His Gold hir'd me to gull you. And this brain procur'd your beating. Yes faith fir, Envie, bribes, and wit have wrong upon you. Ruff. Well, if I revenge not Cra. But how fir. Ruff. I, afore Heaven, that's well thought on. Give me but the mcancs, and I will not only for- give, but reward thee richly. Craf Come faith, bccaufe I would have both your Shoulders, go in one Livery, I muft difclofe. Why fir, Knavery is rcftorative to me, as Spiders to Monkeys. The poyfon of wit feeds me. Enter The City Wit. 361 Enter Ticket. Boy zvith a Torch. Look you fir, he's come. Stand clofe, take this Cudgell, grafp it ftrongly, ftretch your Sinewes luftily ; And when you fee him hang by the middle in a Rope, let your Fift fall thick, and your Cudgell nimbly. Ruf. And foundly. My ambitious blowes fhall ftrive which fhall go formoft. Craf. Good fir. Riif. Draw him up but halfe way, Cra. So fir, I mufl up to receive. Exit. Ruf. Do fo : I fliall be fo reveng'd now ! He had been better ha' been taken in Bed with another mans Wife, then have prevented me thus. Tic. Vanifh Sirrah with the Light. This I am fure is the Window which her Letters call'd me to. Ruf. I would you would begin once, that I might be at work. I do not love to ftand idle in the Cold thus. Tic. Hift, Footwell, Footwell. Crafy above : Here fir, here. O I watcht to do you a good turn. Will you mount fir } Tic. I will mount, remount, and furmount 1 wonder that there is not a folemne Statute made, that no Citizen should marry ahandfome Woman ; Or if he did, not to lye with her. For and tvvere not for Gallants help, they would beget nothing but Fooles. Craf) lets Cra. Right fir, right fir. Take the doivne a Rope, and faften it about your middle Rope. fir. Tic. Why, that's Crafy ; a very Coxcomb. Cra. An Affe, an Affe.' Tic. :i62 The City Wit. Tic. A meer Citizen. Were't not a shame his wife should be honeft ? Or is't not pity that my own man should wholly enjoy a rare excellent proper woman, when a whole Corporation fcarce affords two of them. Cra. Mofl true fir. Now mount fir. I pluck courageoufly. Pray Hercules my flrength faile me not. Riif. Up fir, up fir. Rufflit cud- Tic. Pox, and pain ! Hold Do6lor. gels him. Riif. Save }ou fir. Tic. I am moft fenfible of your Salutation. Pluck Footzvell. Cra. Alas the Cord flicks fir ; He call fome help fir. Crafy comes Tic. Death and Devils ! downe. Ruf. Fifts and Cudgels, Tic. Heart, Lungs, Lights. Ruf. Armes, Shoulders, Sides. Tic. Help, help, help. Enter Crafy. Cra. Paffion of Heaven Do6lor : He Do6lor }'Ou aA\'ay. Exit Riifflit Tic. Redeem me deare Footwell. Cra. Yes fir I come for the fame purpofe. Alas fir, me thinks I even feele your blowes. Are you not fore fir .-' Tick. Sore } Couldfl: thou not pluck .'' Cra. Sure I was Planct-flruck ; the rope ftuck in a flit Sir. Tic. A Pox o'the flit, fay L Cra. Know you this mad Do6lor ? Or do you owe any Do6lor any thing .-' Tic. I know him not, nor do I owe any Do6lor any thing ; I onely owe my Barber Surgeon for a dyet-drink. Cra. The City Wit. 3^3 Cra. Speedily make up your face Ent. Rufflit Sir, here comes company : M. Rufflit ! i?i his owne Rtif. Honeft Footzvcll how doft ? Jhapc. Sir Andrew ! Heartily how is't ? He hugs and Tic. As heartily as thou wilt ; but Jliakes him. not fo hard I prethee. Rjif. Why what's the matter ? Tic. I bruif'd my fide e'en now againft a formes edge. Ruf. Parmafity, Sir, is very good, or the frelh skin of a flead Cat, Tic. Flead Cat ? Ruf. The fly-blowes of a dead dog, made into oyl, and fpread upon the kell of a meazell hog.. Mufick. Cra. Hark Gentlemen, the Wedding comes, for- get old bruifes, and put on fenfe of the lighteft colour : for this houfe to night vowes to run giddy with mirth and lausfhter. 't>' Efiter Lights: Sarpego, Toby, Tryman, La. Ticket, Pyannet, Sneakup. Ruf. Joy, health, love and children to this happy union. Tic. Unbruif'd bones, and fmooth foreheads to you both. Py. What fliall no device, no mirth folemnize my fons match .'' Go Sneakup, call downe our daughter. [^Exit Sneakup.\ In defpight of fickneffe, mirth and joy fliall make this night healthfull. Try. O mother, cold fobriety and modcft me- lancholy becomes the face of the Matron ; iincdi- fying gawdes are Prophane vanities. Mirth is the fat of fools, onely vertue is the nourilliment of purity and unfinning fincerity. Fy. 364 The City Wit. Py. By the leave of your wifdome daughter, wee'l take the wall of your precifeneffe : for Mr. Sarpego has told me of a learned fubje6l for a Ballet, which wee fhall fee acled prefently. Try. What is it, fome Heathenifli Play? Sar. No certes, but a very religious Dialogue, full of nothing, but morall conceits betwixt Lady Luxury, a Prodigall and a Fool. Try. But who fliould aft and perfonate thefe ? Sar. Why in that lies the nobility of the device ; it fliould be done after the fafliion of Italy by our felves, only the plot premeditated to what our aim muft tend: Marry the Speeches mufl be extem- pore. Mrs. Bride would I have to play Dame Luxury, and Mr. Footzvell hevQ the Prodigall. Py. And my husband the Fool. Enter Sneakup, Jofma and Bridget. Sneak. I, and't pleafe you wife. Sar. He play the Inductor, and then we are all fitted. Try. I pray you what is Lady Luxury ? A woman regenerative. Tod. A whore, wife : Sar. In fincerity not much better then a Cur- tezan ; a kind of open Creature. Try. And do you think me fit to reprefent an open Creature ? Saving your modefties, a Whore. Can I play the Strumpet, think yee .-* Jo/. Trufl me Sifter, as long as it is done in private, in ones own Houfe, and for fome few fe- le6led Gentlemens pleafure ; Me-thinks the part is not altogether the difpleafingft. Try. Modefty defend me ! you think tis nothing to play the Strumpet. Sar. Why furely religious Lady, it can be no difgrace The City Wit. 365 difgrace to you to figure out the part : For flie that cannot play the Strumpet if fhe would, can claim no great honour to be chafk. Bri. How gravely and fententioufly he fpeaks. Tob. Wife, it fhall be fo : It is my firft Injunc- tion ; you fliall do it, or difobey me. You mufl play it. Try, What, the Whore fir } Tob. I, in jeft : What hurt is't } And Mother, you fliall excufe my Father for this once : For fmce my wife plaies the Whore, He play the Foole my felfe. Though, I know, you had rather fee him do it, you fhall fee for a need, I can make fliift to perform it as well as he ; as naturally, and to the Life. Sar. Exceeding well thought on, I pray you. Lady, approve of it. Py. Let learning dire6l, I am not to prefcribe to the Mufes. To. Come fweet heart, let's in and tire us, and be ready to enter prefently. Sar. I faujio pcde Ex. Tob. Try. Now for the Prodigall. Cra. O doubt not, Mr. Sarpego : For know Sir, I am but a poor ferving creature, that lives upon expe6lation ; Oh Sir my end mufl be husks. Feare not my difcharge of the Prodigall Exit. Sar. Nil fufi Carmina dcfunt. To entertaine ye, while we attire our felves. We want but now fome Mufick, or a Song, But thinke you have it. Sit : wee'I not be long. Exit. Py. Seat you Gallants. Sit, fweet Sir Andrew, Madam, and the reft, and wee'le imagine Mufick, as M. Sarpego bids us. Enter 366 The City Wit. Enter Linfie Wolfie, and Crack with his Lute. How now ! By what mifrule comes he to trouble us ? Lin. By your leave, Gallants, I have brought you Mufick. Py. You Sir, I know your purpofe, and it is prevented ; you come after the Marriage to forbid the banes. Ha ha ha — you are fliort, M. Wolfie, you are fliort. Li7i. Good Mrs. Sneakup you are wide. I come to wifh joy to the match, and to tell you I rejoyce, that I mifl a Bridegrooms part. Py. How's that > Lin. You fee I wear no Willow, and am merry : All's true you told me, boy .'' Crac. Yes by my deteftation to Bridewell Sir, Li>i. Sing boy that fong. If I have any griefe, it fhall be all vented in a Hymeneall Song. Tic. I have not known him in this humor. Ruf. Sure 'tis a merry madneffe for the loffe of the widdow. Py. Since you come friendly, you are welcome, M. Wolfie. Pray fit with us, and heare your Hy- meneal! Song. Crack fings. Jo Hymen, Jo Hymen, Jo Hymen Py. This Was tvont to be Jlill the old fong begins A t high Njiptiall Feafis well. Where the merry 7nerry guefls With Joy and good wifiies did throng : But to this new Wedding neiv notes do I bri?ig, Jo raile at thee Hytnen, ivhile fadly I fing. Fye The City Wit. 367 Fye 6 Hymen, fye Hymen, fye Hymen, What Jiands, and what hearts dojl thou knit ? A Widdotv that's prore, A nd a very very Whore, To an Hcire that wants nothing bnt wit. Yet thus far, O Hymen, thy anfiver is made, Whenhis means are /pent, they may live by her trade. Py. He fings Hymen and Hymen ; but me- thinkes the fong is fcandalous to the Marriage. Lin. Excufe me Lady, though I was cozen'd of the Bride, I have no fuch malice ; 'tis a fong that the boy could fmg by chance, and made by a couple that were lately married in Crooked-Lane. Py. O, is it fo Sir.-* I knew not what to make of it. FloriJJi. Enter Sarpego, tJie Prolocutor. Tic. Let us attend I pray ; the Prologue enters. Sar. Right Cotintry Dame, and Courtly Lady, Look for fenfe as f mall as may be ; Bnt, if tvit deceive your thinkings, Kjioxv our Mufe difdaines bafe fJirinkings. Hold a while your Verdifts bridle. Judge not yet our Prop eft idle. Till at lengtJi the clofe may fJiozv it, If we aSl: the part of Poet. Enter Trynian and Toby. She loofely dreft like a Curtezan, a botvle of wine in her hand. He in a fools Cap and Coat. Speak Lechery and Folly, Luxury I would fay ; I need not prompt them, they know what they fhould fay. Try. 368 The City Wit. Try. Out you bafe Rafcall, you muddy Slave thou haft married me, and I will drink a health i . thy Cuckold maker. She drinks it ,-- To. Sfoot I am afraid fhee'l play the \\\\C\ better then I fhall aft the fool. Try. Thou under-hearted, dull-blooded Pania. loon ; thou whofe utmoft honour is to be made ii good a thing as a Cuckold ; thou fonne of a Coin . holder, and the Pudding-pye womans dau Ali. The Wefterne Knight Sir, that was here Ver. Even he, this day he comes to Towne. Ali. Would I Were out on't firft. A matchleffe Knight \Afide?\ Indeed, and fliall be matchleffe ftill for me. Ver. I like thofe bluflies well : I read his welcome Upon her cheeks. Ali. Sir, I have heard, he has But little Land. Ver. But he has Money Girle Enough to buy the beft Knights Land, that is A felling Knight, in the Well part of England. Ali. Pie's well in yearcs. Ver. A lufty Batchelor of two and fifty, With, O, the husbandry thats in him. Ali. How came he by his Knighthood } Coft it nothing .-' Ver. No : He was one oth' Cobbe-Knights in the throng. When they were dubd in Clufters. Enter Ser- Ser. Sir, the Knight, vant. That The Damoifelle. 385 That you expeft this day, is come to Towne. His man has brought's Portmantue. Ver. Fetch the Man. The welcomfb man alive is come to Towne. Ally, my Girle, my Daughter, Lady Bride ! What title fliall I give thee } Now beftirr you, I know his thrift, he has rid hard to day To fave his Dinner Enter Wat difgnifed like Welcome honeft freind. a Countrey Serinugman. And how does the right worfliipfull Sir Aviphilus'* Wat. My xMafter is in health Sir, prayfd be Go— A little weary, or fo, as I am of my carriage, Which I muft not lay down, but in the hands Of your owne Worfhip. Ver. Tis of weight and lock'd : I gueffe the worth ; And warrant him the fafety under <-hefe Keyes. But Where's thy Mafter } Wat. At his Inne in Holborne Telling a little with the Hoft, till I Bring word from you. Ver. No, I will run to him My felfe : you fhall ftay here, his Chamber Fitted againft he comes. Ally, beftirr you. And thinke no paines your trouble on this day. To morrows Sun fhall light your Wedding way. Exit. AH. Unleffe fome unexpected Fate releive me, I fhall be hurried to my endleffe ruine. Wat. You are fad, me thinks, young Mifbreffe, I can tell you, My Mafter, when he comes, will make you merry. Ali. How } As he is a Foole >. Wat. No : But as he has The foule of mirth and Mufick at command ; Money, the all-rcjoycing fpirit ; that Hee'l make you merry with : Nor that alone, B 2 But 386 TJlc DamoifcUe. But Dignity, which Women prife 'above money, You are a Lady by't : Mark that. And if He has a vvcakncffe, which you reckon folly ; It laies you open way to Soveraignty ; The thing which is of moft efteem. You'll be His Lady Regent; rule all his, and him. All. This Fellow talkes not like a Serving-man : A forty fliilling wages Creature, but Some difguif'd fpokef-man. What may be the trick o'nt } Wat. You cannot, in th' eftate you are, imagine What tis to be a Wife to fuch a man. All. No more then you perceive the paines you loofe In fooling for him thus. But fpare your breath, And take this briefc taft of his Entertainment. Firft know, that I do know the man you fpeak of, To be a covetous Mifcr; old and foolifli. Not worth in my cflimation the worft Mcale That ever he himfelfe paid three pence for. Wat. Who do you mean .-' Sir Aniphilus my Knight. Ali. Yes Squire, I know him and his qualities ; The waics he got his Wealth by, cafuall Matches ; Of forty, fifty, and fometimes a hundred For one. When bounteous Fortune (fcldome failing Men of his 15rain) caft all into his mouth. The Gudgeon gap'd for. And how flight a thing It is, for fuch bafe Worldlings to be rich .•* That ftudy nothing but to fcrapc and Hxve. That have no h'aith, but in their ready money, Nor love to Worjdly pleafures above thofe Poor Coblers ufe. Wit. Cheap Whores, and Duck-hunting : There's his delight indeed. Ali. I hate to think of fuch a Dunghill Scarab. A watcr-Dog Knight ! Wat. The Damoifelle. 387 Wat. But Wedlock, to his age, will bring him To choicer pleafures, and abandon fuch. (home AH. His Age is fit for nothing, but to rock Anothers Child ; and to rejoyce through Spe6lacles, At the flrong Gueffe he has, it is his owne. Wat. You flight him flrangely yet : but when you fee Him, and his weighty reafons to confute you. AH. I will nor weigh, nor fee him, or his reafons. And if thou ow'ft him fo much Service, tell him ; Go back and tell him ftrait : fave him the end Of his intended Journey. For to come Hither, will be to drive me hence. And tell My Father, ere he fhall enforce me, take him ; He fiye into the Armes of one he hates. Wat. Are you in earneft .-* AH. Yes, by all my hopes. (then. Wat. Thefe are the armes that muft receive thee Nay, be not frighted Sifter ; look, tis I. ( Off his AH. Befhrew me but I am. WowXBeard, &c. got you hither .'' Could not the Compter hold you .-* Wat. So it feems. My Virtue was not to be fo obfcur'd. Noble Sir Humphrey Dryground, Sifter, was My franck Infranchifer. O, I have wonders To tell thee Sifter. Thou muft go with me. But firft, lend me fome money. Borrow fome ; (And let it be a good Summe) of my Father, Now in his abfence. Come, fupply, fupply My Pockets and thine owne. For we muft hence. Th'art made for ever. Sifter. Quick, difpatch. AH. What's the meaning of all this } Wat. Twill be too long to tell it here. The Rafcall foole, to whom my Father gives thee. Is come to Towne : And fliould he now furprifc thee, B 3 Here 388 The Damoifelle. Here in my Fathers power, thy ftrength might faile thee. Be therefore at a fure Guard. O, Sir Humphrey, How are my Sifter and my felfe bound to thee, That plotteft this efcape. Difpatch good Ally And heare the reft by th' way. All. Why } Wither t What's the matter } Wat. Say thou will have that Coxcomb, He but kill thee, And leave the here : And all my care is over. AH. lie fooner dye then have him. Wat. Why do you not ftiun him then .-' O, fweet Sir Hiunphrey, Is thy care flighted thus, in my delivery .'' In my difguife } In fending out my Father On Tom-fooles Errant .'' While a Coach is fent To the back-doore here ; All to fave my Sifter,- My thankleffe Sifter here, from worfe then Rape. Ali. Why, whither would you have me } Wat. But hard-by. But till the Wilde-fire of my Fathers Paffion Shall be run out. Slid, I had eene forgot. Beare money with us, Sifter ; pretty ftore. Who knowes occafions .-* Let him keep in pawne My rich Portmantue for't. Ali. There's fome good ftuff in't. Wat. More then hee'll thank me for. Wee'U talke i'th' Coach In, in, and furnifti ; and fo through the Garden, And, whirre, we are gone. If we fhould be pre- vented ; By this good fteele, if I but heare one knock. He make fure work o'thee. I can but truffe for't. There's a faire end on's both. And what will he Do with his money then .■' Look how thou ftandft. If you refpe6l your Father, or the Dog-Mafter, To be your Husband, better then me, then take You The Damoifelle. 389 You your owne courfe: Minefhall be known next SefTions. (Father AH. Better then you, don't you refpc6l your lictter then me ? Wat. No, if I do, let me be hang'd for nothing : And that would anger any man I think. 'Slid, thou and I had one Mother, (which We both take after) fo had not he and we. And he takes after no body, that I know. He loves a flranger better then's owne Childe : And that mans money, better then that man, The Devill 'bove all I think. Thou doft not know What Coalcs we ftand on. All Who fliall look toth' houfe .? (that Wat. Wilt loofe thy felfe with keeping that ? Is All now } Away, away. Ali. Y'are a precious Brother. Exeunt. ACT. I. Scene II. Bumpfey, Dryground, Valentine, Magdalen, Jane. Bum. A LL this needs not Sir Humphrey. iV Dry. Do but heare patiently, and do your pleafure. I go not about to ftop your courfe, Mr. Bumpfcy. Bum. Nor I yours, Sir Humphrey ; Nor your Sonnes here ; Nor his Wifes there : Onely this Gentlewoman, in mine owne right I may be bold withall, while you depart my houfc, if you may be intreated, fo. Is not this right .-' Is not this plain .'' Mag. Yet heare his Worfliip fpeak, ^006. Bump. Bum. Good Whirly, what can his Worfliip fpeak.? Or your wifdome twatle for him, in this Caufc ; that I do not undcrftand already } Has not his Sonne wedded our Daughter.'' (c) B 4 How 390 The Damoifelle. How dire6lly, or indireftly, who meddles with his match ? Nay more, has he not bedded her ? How, direftly or indirectly, who meddles with that either ? Let him have and hold, poffeffe {Hmh.) and enjoy ; do his worft, and make his befl of her, though fhe be an Heire, I will not fue him out of her : No, I proteft ; were it Ante Copularn, as it is poji, I would not croffe 'em. Is not this right and plaine enough. Dry. But good Mr. Bumpfey, Brother Bumpfey, I would call you Bum. Keep your Brothers and your Goods to your felfe, Sir, I have no need of 'em. You are a Knight, and a man of Worfhip — Val. He will fpeake all himfelfe. Bum. I am a plaine Fellow, and out of debt. Mag. I, let him run on. .Bum. I fought none of your Allyance, I — Val. Has he the fpeed to run beyond himfelfe } Ja. Yes, and bring himfelfe about, I warrant you. Bum. Nor to be joyned with houfes of great found, Whofe noife growes from their hollow emptineffe. I could have matcht my Daughter here, that was, But now a Barronetteffe in Reverfion, To a fubftantiall Heire of two faire Lordfhips. Dry. Perhaps no Gentleman. Bum. Yet honourable, Land-Lordfhip's reall honour, Though in a Tradef-man Son : when your faire Titles Are but the fhadowes of your Anceftry ; And you walk in 'em, when your Land is gone: Like the pale Ghofts of dead Nobilitie. Ha ! I ft not fo .-* Is not this right and plaine .-' Dry. The Dainoifelle. 391 Dry, Yes like the priviledge you ufe in your owne houfe here. Bum. Nay I come up to you now Si>- Hinnfry Drygroiind ; Up in a point of Chivalry. You are a Knight, A Baronet to boot : Your fon is like T'inherit that deare paid-for title, but (Youle give me leave to ufe my plainneffe) Dry. Freely. (honour. Bum. Your fon (I fay) is Heire to your bought Which may hereafter Ladifie my Daughter : But where's the Land you once were Lord of .'' Ha ! The goodly Cornfields, Medows, Woods, and Paftures, That muft maintain the Houfe, the Gownes, the Coach, (Hounds. With all by complements of Horfes, Hawks, and Val. Now hees in. Bum. Where be the Parks, the Warrens, Herds, and Flocks .'' (ponds .' Befides the Gardens, Orchards, Walks, and Fifh- Dry. For that heare me. Bum. Ods pitty, give me leave, You, that had all thefe once, in three faire Lord- fhips. To be wrought on, and tonyed out of all. But a fmall pittance of Trois Cents per Anmcm, By Providence intayld upon the Heire, (Or that had wafted too) which now maintaines you. In a proportion of Smoak, and Sack, To wafh your mouth with after, where you live Confin'd in Mi/ford Lane, or Fullers Rents, Or who knows where, it skills not Dry. Muft I heare this too. Mag. Now he has almoft done. Bum. Can you (I fay) think your good husbandry '^ VOL. I. A 392 The Damoifelle. A lawfull Precedent for your Gamefome fon To make my Daughter happy in a Marriage, Though he had twice my Fortunes ? Ja. Now hee's coming : Beare but with this ; and if he offer not More then you would requeft, He lofe your love. Biivi. But here's the fubftance oft, you have my Daughter, Your Son, fir, has my Daughter, that muft have, And fhall, my whole Eftate at my Decease ; (No Law exa(5ls it fooner) This Eftate You fafely may fuppofe ten thoufand pounds, Which I have got by thrifty Induftry. Onely one thoufand, I confeffe, my Wife Improv'd my Fortune with. Here's the juflfumme. I give her leave to give it to her Daughter : She may endow her Husband with it. So, Is not this plaine .' Now note me further, fir ; What I have left is my owne ; and you, fir, may Which what is theirs take hence your Son & Daughter, Till you Ihall heare old Biimpfey is deceaft. Then let him come, and challenge all — that's left ; Mean time I know my courfe. (how apt Ja. Now chop in with him. Mother, you know Hee is to croffe you in thefe Moods. Val. Dcare, worthy, honourr'd, fir, Bum. fh't, fli't, fli't ; Woman come you with me. Mag. I Blimp. Let us go our way, and let them take theirs agods name. Val. Pray heare me, fir. Mug. At this time, fir, he fliall not. bum. Shall not ! He fhall fure : Ods pity ! fhall not : Are you pleas'd to fpeak, fir. Val. Not to offend — Bum. Not to a Fiddleftick. Shall not! Can you fpeak or not .'' If The Damoifelle. 393 If not, pray yell me fo. Val. I married, fir, your Daughter. Bum. You may thank her Mother for't, not me. Well, will you fpeake .'' Val. I married her in a firme hope to winne Your Love and favour. Bum. Well. Val. Which, fince I have not yet ; and time muft worke it, I would make this my fuit. Bum. Would I could heare it once. Val. That you would take With re-acceptance of this thoufand pound Your Daughter and me into your Family. Bum. And why the thoufand pound ; does't burn your Fingers } Val. Give us but meat and lodging for't : My Father, Out of his little left Eftate will give us A hundred yearely for other neceffaries. Bump. With all my heart. Val. And as you finde my regular life deferve Your future favour, fo extend your bounty, When Age fhall call upon you to difpofe Of all your faire Poffeffions. Bum. Humh! A pretty od fpeech this ! I would I knew The meaning on't. Val. I mean. Sir, as I fpeak ; that till you finde Strong probability in me to manage A good eftate, you truft me not with any. Bum. Ha ! Is it fo .'' Then I come to a point with you. Mag. Marke him now. Sir Hiunfrey. Bum. You look, Sir, in my Daughters right, to have, After my death, my whole Eftate, by fhewing Me. 394 The Damoifclle. Me, in my life time, your good husbandry, by hus- banding of nothing : Y' have tane off halfe my purpofe ; for I meant To have kept it in my power, whether to leave her Any, or nothing : And, perhaps (d'yee heare) By an odd courfe, that I was thinking on To ha' made all nothing ere I dy'd : But now Halfe of that power He put into your hands, lie try what you can do with fomething. Mag. Halfe ? What meane you halfe ? Bum. Even halfe of all I have. Mag. I hope you will not deal fo. Bum. And as he deals with that, He ufethe reft. Mag. Pray be advifd. Bmn. Never by you 'gainft this : He give him inftantly the free poffeffion Of halfe I have : Now marke ; if you increafe, Or keep that halfe, then, doubtleffe, I fliall do, As well with tother for you : If you diminifh Or wafte it all, ile do the like with my part. Mag. Husband. Bum. He do't : Together we will live : And He along with you in your owne courfe, And, as you play your game, you win or lofe all : Thrive and ile thrive : Spend you, and I will fpend : Save, and He fave ; fcatter, and He fcatter. Mag. You won't be mad. Bum. He do't : Let him throw Money Into the Thames, make Ducks and Drakes with Peices, lie do the like : till he has made a match Or no match of my Daughter : There's the point And the whole fubftancc on't. Dry. Will you do fo .-" Bum. Will I } Tis done. lie make him a crood husband. Or be no husband for him : And fo fee Whats The Damoifelle. 395 Whats mine, out of the danger of his wafte, And have fome fport too for my Money : Ha ! I love to do thefe things. Mag. Nay, but in one thing, 5«;/z/. let me advife you. Blimp. In nothing 'gainft this courfe, good whirly : no, Tis fo fet downe. I know I fhall be counted An odde old humorous Cockfcombe for't by fome : But the truth is, I love to do thefe things : And fo God gi' yee joy. Dry. He take my leave Sir. Bum. Not fo I hope, Sir Hiimfry. Dry. I have bufineffe. And go well fatisfied with this agreement : And, Val. take briefly this my Charge : You are now A Husband, be a good one : Y'have my bleffmg. But (heark you) do you remember 'gainfl the even- ing } Val. All Sir, all : I have fpread my Nets already. Dry. Sir, fare you well. Bum. At your pleafure Sir. Dry. He fliortly vifit you. Bum. At your own good time Sir — Exit Diygr. Thefe fhall ftay here, He blindfold them with Money, And by a new way try, if they can grope The right way into th' World. Come your way. ACT. II. Scene I . Oliver. Ambrofe. 01. \ Nd why this GnWexy to me, good Ambrofe } JTy. Am. I fwear I am ferious, and you may beleeve it. 01. What, that there can be in the World an Affe Wert 396 The Damoifelle. (Wert thou a fool to credit it) that would keep A Houfe, by way of publike Ordinary, For fafhionable Guefts, and curious ftomacks ; The daintieft Pallats, with rich Wine and Chear ; And all for nothing, but alls paid and welcome ? Am. Vail Drygrowid told it me, whofe truth deferves So well my credit, that, prove you it falfe, lie pay all Ord'naries and Taverne reckonings You fhall be at this twel'moneth. 01. I have heard Of all the Mockeries, the Ape, the Ram, the Homes, The Goat, and fuch tame Monfters, whom poor wits Have fent wife Tradefmen to, as to a Knight, A Lord, or forrain Prince ; to be his Mercer, His Taylor, Semfter, Millener, or Barber : When thofe, that have been mock'd, ftill fent their Neighbours, Till halfe the City have bee fool-found. Ha ! I ft not fome fuch poor trick ? Am. Here comes my Author. Enter Valentine. 01. O Mr. Bridegroom, that ftole the wealthy match ! How got you loofe fo foone .-' I thought you had beene tyed up by the Loines, like a Monkey to the Bed-poft, for a fortnight at the leafk. How does old Bumpfcy, that Freecoft Drunkard, thy mad Father-in-Law, take thy flolne Marriage .'' I am fure he knows on't. Val. He founds abed lafl night i'th' nick, as we fay. But we are peec'd this morning. Am. Then he wrangled it out, of himfelfe. I know his fmgular humour. 01. What has he gi'n thee .-^ Val. Halfe, of all he has. Am. How .'' Val. On this Condition, that, if I fave That The Damoifelle. 397 That halfe untill he dyes, the reft is mine too. 01. What if thou fpendft thy halfe ? Val. Heel fpend the tother ; and the fame way, hee fvveares. 01. Hee'l nere keep Covenant. Val. He tell you how he runs at wafle already, This morning the French Taylor brought a Gowne home, Of the fafhion, for my Wife. He bought one Streight, ready made, for his old Gentlewoman, That never wore fo rich in all her life. Am. O brave old woman ! How will fliee carry it .■* Val. I fpoke but of a Coach, and he befpoke one. 01. Wonder upon wonder ! Nam was telling one Before thou cam'ft. Val. What the new Ordnary .'' 01. Doft know the man that keeps it } Val. They call him OsbrigJit. A brave old Blade. He was the Prefident Of the Can-quarrelling Fraternity, Now calld the Roaring Brotherhood, thirty years fmce, But now grown wondrous civill, free, and hofpitable. Having had fomething fallen to him, as it feemes. 01. That OsbrigJit has been dead thefe many years. Val. It was given out fo : But he lived beyond Sea. 01. There's fome ftrange plot in't. Val. O thou pollitick Noli 01. Judge thy fclfe, Val, what can the myftery be.? He tells me there's no Gaming, fo no Cheating ; Nor any other by-way of expence, By Bawdry, or fo, for privy profit. Val. Such a fufpition were a fm But now I will unfold the Riddle to you. This feafting Has 398 The Damoifelle. Has been but for three dayes, and for great perfons, That are invited, and to be prepar'd To venture for a prize. This very night There will be fome great Rifling for fome Jewell, Or other rare Commodity they fay. I cannot nam't : tis twenty pound a man. 01. Is not that gaming prithee .-' Val. That's to come : But, hitherto, nor Dice, nor Cards, nor Wench, Is feen ith' houfe, but his owne onely Daughter. 01. O ! has he Daughter there .^ Mark that TWzw. No gaming fayft thou .'' Ods me, and they play not At the old Game of old there, I dare Val. I dare be fworne thou doft 'em wrong. 01. Shees too ftale, is fhee } Tis above twenty yeares fmce he went over. And was reported dead (they fay) foon after. In Frafice, I take it : But, then, it feemes, he lived, And got this Damfell there .'' Is fhe French borne .'' Val. Yes, (he was born and bred there : And can fpeak Englifh but brokenly. But, for French behaviour, Shees a moft compleat Danioifelle, and able To give inftru6lions to our Courtlieft Dames. 01. Shee muft be feen. Am. But fee who here comes firft. Ejiter V ermine. Servant. Ver. Thou haft undone me Villaine. Ser. Out alas ! I was as ignorant of the deceit, As your owne innocent worfhip ever was Of cozening any man of Land or Living. Ver. Was ever man fo curfed in his Children ! Val. Tis the wretch Vermine. 01. What makes he here, trow, in the Temple walks .'' (his Lechery. Val. What fliould he do elfewhere, when Law's The The Damoifelle. 399 The Devils itch dry up his marrow for't. He undid a worthy Gentleman I know. 01. I, Brookall, thrufting him out of his Land. Am. Hee's fitted with an Heire for't ; one that can Juftly inherit nothing but the Gallows. 01. Wheres Brookalls fon .? He had a hopefuU one ; And, at fixteen, a Student here ith' Temple. Val. Alaffe his Fathers fall has ruined him. Meere want of maint'nance forc'd him to fervice, In which hee's lately travell'd into France. Ver. Go backe to the Recorders : Fetch the Warrant, He fearch the City and the Suburbs for her. \ Exit Servant. Am% But Vermine has a daughter may prove good, Val. A good one like enough : He lay a wager Hee's poching 'mong the trees here, for a Broker, To match his daughter to a landed husband. This is their walk. 01. Let's try if we can fit him. Val. Thou'lt nere indure his breath, it ftinkes of brimftone. 01. He take the wind of him : You are well met. Sir. They fay you have a daughter you would match. Sir. (then .? Ver. IX. may be I have ; it may be not ; How What's that to you .-" 01. Pray be not angry Sir. The worft of us has land, and may deferve her. Ver. Pray let me ask you firft, if you be not The knaves confederates that ftole her from me .-' Val. Ls fhe ftolne from you Sir.? In troth I am glad on't. Anip. 400 The Damoifelle. Amp. Tis the firfl newes we heard on't. 01. Though I affure you We heard none ill to day : But very good, As that of the New Ordinary. Amp. Then the good fucceffe This Gentleman had lately with a wife — Val. And laftly, this you tell us ; which, but that It comes from your own mouth, were e'en too good For our belief, me-thinks. 01. Pray, is it true Sir ? That your daughter's gone, loft, or flolne, as you fay? Amp. May we report it after you, good Sir? Ver. What are you ? I would know. Val. Gentlemen, Sir. That cannot but rejoyce at your afifli6lion. And therefore blameleffe, that defire to hear it. Ver. Cannot this place, where Law is chiefly ftudied. Relieve me with fo much, as may revenge Me on thefe fcorners ? How my Slave ftayes too ! Yet I may find a time. — Exit. All. Ha ha ha. 01. Look, look, what thing is this i* Enter Amphilus, Trebafco. Amb. Trebafco, Skip-kennel. Tre. \ . . . . Amp. It fpeaks, me-thinks. 01. Yes, and its fliadow anfvvers it in Cornifh. Val. I know him ; tis the wife Weftcrn Knight, that fliould Have married Vermines dau Broo. An Oath } for what } At. For two fhillings ; and it be half a Crowne, my Client fhall not ftand w'ye ; the Judge is at leifure, and the other of our Bail is there already. Come, go along. (know me .■* Broo. I gueffe you fome Attorney : Do you At. No, nor any man we imploy in thefe cafes. Broo. He takes me for a common Bail ; a Knight o'th Poft, \Thou art a villaine, and crop-ear'd I doubt not : What, dar'ft thou fay, thou feeft upon me, that — At.\ cry you mercy : I muft up {I fee) To the old Synagogue, there I fhall be fitted Exit. Broo. The Damoifdle. 409 Broo. Can I appear fo wretched ? or can grief So foile the face of poverty, which is vertue, To make it feem that Monfter Perjury? Rather let forrow end me all at once, Then vertue be mifconftrued in my looks, Which I will hide from fuch He lies oji his face. interpretation. Enter Frendly. Frend. Alas hee's fore affli6led, and my newes, I fear, will ftrike him dead ; yet I muft fpeak. Sir, give not mifery that advantage on you, To make your felf the leffe, by flirinking under Tne buffetings of fortune. Broo. I defir'd you To feek my fon. Ha' you found him at his Cham- ber ? Or has not want of fatherly fuppHes (Which heaven knowes I am robb'd of) thruft him out Of Commons, to the Common World for fuccour .-" Where is he, have you found him .-* Freii. No, not him. But I have found what may be comfort to you, If you receive it like a man of courage. Broo. Hee's dead then, farewell my tender boy ! Freii. Indeed, Sir, hee's not dead. Broo. Phew Fren. Pray, fir, heare me. Broo. You'll tell me, man nere dies ; But changeth Life, And happily for a better. He is happieft That goes the right way fooneft : Nature fent us All naked hither ; and all the Goods we had We onely took on Credit with the World. And that the beft of men are but* meer borrowers : Though fome take longer day. Sir, I know all Your 4 1 o The Damoifellc. Your Arguments of Confolation — Fre7i. Indeed he is not dead ; but lives — Broo. In Heaven. I am the furer on't ; for that he Hv'd Not to learn Law enough, to — hufh. No more. Freii. Subftantially he lives in flefli, as we do. Broo. Speak that again. Fren. A Gentleman of the next Chamber told me fo. Onely, fir, this ; if you can brook his abfence Without feare, or miftruft ; then he is well, Broo. How thou playeft with me ! Fren. He's gone to travell, fir. Here comes the Gentleman. Belter Valentine. Val. I am fure he does not know me. If he could, I were as fure this Charity would be rejefted. So much I know his Spirit. Is your name Brooke- all, fir.? Brook. My loffcs, wrongs, and forrowes, fpeak my name. Val. You had a Son late of this houfe. Broo. And do not you infer by that he's dead } Good, do not mock me, hr. Val. If this be gold, He lives and fent it to you ; forty peeces } Broo. Pray, fir, from whence, or where might he atchieve So great a Sum .-' Not in this World, I feare. A handfome poffibility he had once, Could I iia' kept it for him. Val. He's in a way. Now to a hopefuU fortune. A Noble Gentleman, Late gone to travell, ta'ne with good affe6lion Towards your Son, has ta'ne him to his care : And like a P'ather, not a Mafler, keeps him. From The Damoifelle, 411 From whofe free bounty he receiv'd this meanes. Broo. Do you think the Boy did well to fend it me then : When twas intended for his Mafters honour, To flye in Silks and Feathers ? Tis not Servant like To wave a Mafters meaning fo. Val. I had a Letter too ; Though moft unhappily miflay'd. Broo. What from my Boy ? Val. In his own hand. Broo. Ha ! — but miflay'd, you fay. Ha, ha, ha, — What is the Gentleman .•* Or whither travell'd } Val. That's all I crave excufe for. Broo. Keep your money. If you can render me my Son, He thank you. Val. You fpeak not like a Father : wanting meanes Your felfe for his advancement, would you bar him The bounty of anothers full ability ^. Broo. I fpeak more like a Father, then a Beggar : Although no Beggar poorer. And I feare, I am no Father ; for I would not give My Son to gain a Province, nor except This Coyne to fave my life : If he be loft, Let me look neerer on you, fir. Fren. I hope He will accept the Money. Poverty Was nere fo coy elfe. Bj'oo. I cannot remember. I ever faw this face : But I have feen (Many yearcs fmce) one, that it fo refembles, As I could fpit defiance on't — — Val. What mean you .' Broo. And charge thee with the Murther of my Son. Val. Pray, fir, colle6l your felfe. Broo. Your name is Valentine. Val. 412 The Damoifelle. Val. Right, fir. Broo. Sir Humphrey Dry grounds Son ; Val. Mod: true, Broo. Even fo thy Father look'd, when, at Hke years He was my Rivall : For young man, I tell thee Thou hadft: a virtuous, well deferving Mother, He won her without lofle of my known Friend- fhip : But, fmce her death, you cannot but have heard, Jie bafcly wrong'd my Sifter, and, in her, Mee, and my Family : Whor'd her, and cafl her off, On the appointed Marriage day, Val. O, fir. Broo. You cannot but have heard on't. Nay, it feems. My Boy has charg'd thee with't, before his yeares Could warrant his ability in Combatc, And fo is fallen ; Or thou, not daring ftand Tryall in fuch a caufe. by treachery Haft cut him off; And com'ft to make thy peace : Prefuming on my Poverty, with money. Worfe then the bafe Attornies Projc6l this ! Val. This is nicer madneffe. In an A61 so foule, As your wilde Fancy gathers this to be ; Who could efcape the Law .'' Broo. The Law ; ha, ha, ha. Talk not to me of Law, Law's not my Friend. Law is a Fatall to me, as your houfe. I have enough of Law ; pray ftand you off. Will you, fir, furnifli me, but with a Sword ; And bring me to fit ground to end this difference .'' Will you do fo, and like a Gentleman .■' Val. What fliall I do for pity } Now I have it. Broo. Talk not to mc of Law. IHe feticcth.'] Val. The Damoifelle. 4 1 3 Val. Pray heare me, fir. Broo. Now, fir, your wil before your end. Be briefc. Val. You know me for a Gentleman, though an Enemy. (I muft fpeak in his phrafe) and by that honour A Gentleman fhould keep facred, two houres hence He meet you in this place Broo. Pray ftand you off to Friendly. Val. From whence wee'll walke Broo. Silent, as nothing were — Val. As nothing were betwixt us — to fome other Fit ground, (as you propounded) where wee'll end the difference. Broo. By the Sword ; no otherwife. No whinnelling fatisfa6lion. VaL You fliall fee, fir. Broo. Go fet thy houfe in order. Here He meet thee. Exit. ACT. 414 1^^^^ Damoifdle. ACT, III. Scene I. Francis Wat. Fra. T Shall repent me, fir, that ere I yeilded, X In that faire Noble way, if you expreffe Your felfe in this regardleffe of my honour. Wat. I like a Whore, withall my heart, that talkes So like an honeft woman. Fra. Can you expe6l A Chaft and conftant Wife of her. Whom, you Have wrought to Lewdneffe before Marriage ? Or may I not as well deferve as well in bringing A Maidenhead into your Marriage-bed, As a polluted Body ? Wat. Here's a coyle. For a poore bit afore-hand ! Is it fo ? 'Heart, if a man befpeak a Tavern Feafh For next day Dinner ; and give earneft for't To half the value, (as my Faith and Troth I think, is fomewhat towards your Marriage pay- ment To be to-morrow) Will not the Hofteffe give him A Modicum o're night to flay his ftomack ? Your Father comes : He whifper yet more reafon. Enter Dryground difgnisd. Alice. Dry. Now pretty Mrs. Alice, you fee the end I had upon you : All the fcope thereof Tending to your contentment. Are you pleas'd } AH. So well, that could I but fliake off the feare (Which The Damoifelle. 415 (Which is mofb dangerous) of a Fathers curfe, I durft pronounce ; na}', boaft my happineffe, To be above my Virgin hopes, or wifhes. Dry. Let your feare vanifli then : And, if this night. The happinefs you are ambitious of, Together with your Fathers leave and bleffmg Crown not your Bed, let all the Infamy Due to all perjur'd Wretches, that have wrong'd Beauty and Chaftity be branded here. AH. The faire refpeft I have, fir, to your Nobleffe ; For what you have already fliown me, bars Mine eares 'gainft proteftation. I dare truft you. Dry. As I have trufted you with my wdiole project, My difcreet Alice, further than I dare truft My inftrument your Brother ; though he thinks He underftands it all. Yonder he is, Profoundly Love-ftruck too, I make no doubt. F}^. Fye ! Can you be fo lew'd } Is that your reafon } Wat. Yes ; can the Parifli Parfon give you better } Fra. His Parifh Bull's as civill. Wat. Well no more. He talke with your Father about it. Fra. I with your Sifter, and to better purpofe. Dry. Now Wat, what think you of my courfe, and habit } Wat. As I love mifchiefe, and defire to live by't ; It is the daintieft courfe. O, brave fir HitinpJircy, How I am taken with your Shape ! Old Osbright, The Father of the Swindgers ; fo much talk'd on Could nere ha' borne it up fo. Nor his Daughter, That was French born indeed, could ere have clipp'd, D And 4l6 The Damoifelle. And Frenchified our Englifli better, then She counterfeits to Coxcombes that do Court her : With her fine Fee-fees, and her Laiffe-moys ; Her Prea-awayes ; Intrat a you mak a me blufha. O, I am tickled with it. Dry. A, ha, my Lad. Wat. 'Aid I could dote upon you. Had I been Your Son now, how I could have honour'd you ! Though I had kept a precept by't, I care not. Dry. Notable Reprobate. Wat. The D^vill fure Ought me a mifchiefe, when he enabled that Old Wretch, my Father to beget me. Oh, Tis in my bones ; I feele it in my Youth : I know from whence the Pocks is now defcended. The Gout begets it. There's no Ufurers Son, But's born with, an hereditary fpice on't. Dry. Had I rak'd Limbo, as I did the Compter, I were not better fitted with a Copefmate. Wat. 'flight, I could ask you bleffing. Dry. And I think. That curtefie you have feldome done your Father. Wat. Nere fince I grew to any underftanding : Nor (as I k"ow) before, but whipt and held to't. ^ry. Well Wat. You fee how far I have trufted you. To have the fecond hand in our great work , Our Proje6l here. Though you muft feem my Servant, You are like to have the better fhare, if you agree Upon the Match, and make your felfe my Son. How like you your new Miftrcffc, fir, my Daughter ; The Maidenhead here, the new Ordinary — The Damoyfellc, or what you pleafe to call her ? What ifl: a Match Wat} Condefcendeth fhe } Wat. No man fliall be her Hufband, but my felfe ; Who The Damoifelle. 417 Who ere fhe lies withall, before or after. That fhe has roundly promis'd. But fhe balkes, And Boggles with me in a leffe requeft. Dry. She fhall deny thee nothing, What ift Wat>. Wat. You may command her duty, if you pleafe. Dry. What is it man ? Wat. 'Troth, fir, but one nights knowledge Of her aforehand. One word of your mouth, I know would do it, fir. Dry. O Devilifh Rafcall, That can imagine this a Fathers Office ! Patience good Wat. Wat. But that lam afeard My Father would be pleas'd with't, Il'd take home My Sifter elfe, and prefently. Dry. In Maides about your work. And heare you Fraftck Difcharge the Butchers, and the Chandlers Bills. They wait below. The Baker and the Brewer, I have made even with. Fra. And the Vintner too. Dry. The Bottle-man too, and Tobacco Mer- . chant. Do as I bid you, go. Now Wat Obferve me : As an ingenious Critick would obferve The firft Scene of a Comedy, for feare He lofe the Plot. Wat. I do obferve you, fir. Dry: I have, you know, releas'd you from your thralldome. Upon condition you fhould fteale your Sifter, To be at my difpofe. You have perform'd it : Wat. Honeftly, fir. Dry. Yes, honeftly, as you fay. And though it be for her own abfolute good ; Yet was your Aft fo grateful! to me, that W D 2 I 41 8 The Damoifelle. I promis'd you my Daughter. Wat. Right fir, on. Dry. I fhall be briefe ; you know my Fortunes, Wat, Are funk, and you have heard, I make no doubt, 'Mongft other of my follies, of a Child I got on Brookealls fifler, on the by, Wat. Wat. And this is fhe, I love a baftard naturally, Ah they are bouncing fpirits : Now 1 love her More then I did Sir. Dry. You come fairely on. But now, my poverty affords no portion. Now, Wat, to raife a portion ! Wat. I, now, now. Dry. Now I come to it, Wat : I tooke this houfe, And in this habit here, turn'd pimping Hoft, To make the moft of her, and find a Husband To take her with all faults. Wat. That's I, that's I Sir: this has mufick in't. Dry. You will be fecret Wat. Wat. No dumbe Bawde like me. Dry. Nay in a plot of villany I dare truft thee. Wat. In troth you cannot thinke how much I love it ; How I am tickled with it ! Good Sir, on. Dry. This I have defign'd to put her off (I mean her Maiden-head) at fuch a rate Shall purchafe Land. Wat. How, good S\x Hiwiphrey, how? Dry. She fliall be rifled for. Wat. How! Rifled Sir.? Dry. Yes, rifled Wat; the moft at three fair throws. With three fair Dice, mufi. win and wear her, Wat. Youle take her with all faults } Wat. Can you fufpe6l me } It is the rarefl invention, if the Gamefters Be The Damoifelle. 4^9 Be ftifife and ftrait, that ever was proje6led ! What is't a man ? Dry. But twenty Pieces, boy. Wat. I vow too Httle, leffe their number help us, How many Gamfters have you ? Dry. A full hundred. IVat. Two thoufand pound ! A merry portion, And worth as many Maiden-heads in the fport A man fhall finde in fpending it ! Me-thinks I feele my felf even flying with't already. Dry. What art thou thinking, Wat ? Wat. That here may grow A danger Sir, the Gamefters being fo many. Dry. Why, there's but one muft ufe her. Wat. Phew, for that I were indifferent, if 'twere all or more (As it is poffible a wench might bear it) If they come fmgle, and in civill fort, Allow her breathing-whiles Dry. Here's a ripe Rafcall ! Wat. But my doubi is, that fuch a multitude May fly into combuftion, blow up all The bufineffe and our hopes. Dry. Now your doubt Reflefts upon my Judgement : didft thou note How quietly thofe Gallants here to-day Parted with their gdld ? Wat. Yes, very gallantly. Dry. They fliall agree as well for the Commodity, As I have caft it, Watt ; fo well my boy, That no diflaftc fliall be or ta'ne, or given, Anon youle fee, Wat. She knows not on't you fay, Dry. Nor fhall Ihe Wat, till at the pufli I charge her To be obedient in the undertaking. D 3 Wat. 420 The Damoifelle. Wat. And that's a fweet obedience : I could kneel Before my wretched Sire in fuch commands. Enter Francis. Dry. Anon He make't all plain to you. How now Frank ? Fran. There are two Gentlemen in the next room, That by all meanes would fpeake with you : I have had The fouleft coyle with one of 'em, that perfwades Himfelfe you keep a Bawdy-houfe, by fomewhat He gather'd Evefdropping, by your difcourfe here, While t'other held me talking ; who is civill, And loves me with a modeft fair afife6lion. Drj'. Where is his fifter, A lice "i Fran. Unfeen, I warrant you. Dry. Then let them enter, Whip into your dif- guife Wat Exit Fran. And be at call. Wat. Presto, Anon, anon Sir. Ex. Wat. Dry. Did they Eavefdrop me .-• I will Stands Eavefdrop too afide. Filter Oliver, Ambrofe. 01. Did not I tell thee't was a Bawdy-house ? Am. I cannot think fo yet : there is fomc other Trick in it ; the Maid you fee is very modeft. 01. That is the trick on it man, fhe muft feem fo Her Father deals for her. Am. P'ye ! Can there be fuch Fathers } 01. Yes, and fuch Mothers too : The Towne's too full of 'em. Come, lliee's a Jugling whore I warrant thee. For all her Fee-fees, and her Laiffc-moys. Pox The Damoijeite. 42 1 Pox of her counterfeit Gibbrifh lie make her fpeak In plainer Englifh, ere I ha' done with her. Dry. I have enough. You are welcome Gentle- men. 01. He looks like fuch a Blade. Are you the Mafter here Sir .-' Dry. I am the man that's much rejoyc'd to fee Such fparkling Spirits underneath this Roofe, Where all you finde is yours. Sirrah Varlet. 01. Each fyllable he fpeaks bewrays him. Dry. Varlet I fay. Wat. Here Sir. Enter Wat with Whie. Dry. Give me the Complement. Gallants, Wilt pleafe you tafte your welcome in a Cup, The fpirit of whofe never dying Liquor, Speaks ore the brim in this high Language to you. Full fix and thirty times hath Lima wan'a The ftrength fhe got in fix and thirty growths From Phoebus vertuous beames, into this Juyce, To make it Ne6lar for Phcebcan wits. Tis this infpires their braines with fire Divine, By which to write high flraines ; and herein lurks, The gift, One has to bounce up his own works. 01. Your meaning is good Sack, and three years old. To put you by your Beverage and your Bombaft, I will nor drinke, nor talke of other thing, But the choice thing of things, your Daughter Sir. Dry. Thou flialt not wooe my Daughter, nor ne man for thy fake, Sing. Unlaffe thou come untill her by her Daddy nak'd. Her Mammy's gone to Heaven Sir. And I pray, Let Fathers poor breed Daughters as they may. 01. Your care, no doubt, is great what will it hold ">. The Rifling Sir, I meane. Is your number full t D 4 May 422 The Damoifelle. May not a man put in Sir for a chance ? Dry. What do you mean Sir ? 01. May not we Come in adventurers ? Here are twenty peeces. D}y. I finde you have overheard me. Call my Daughter. Exit Wat. Now lie difclofe a fecret to you. But Gentlemen, As you love wit and mirth, cenfurc me mildly. I am a Gentleman decayd in Fortune. 01. And canft thou be fo bafe to fell thy Childe To Luft and Impudence } Dry. Be not too rafh. My Child's as deare in my refpeft as you Were ever to your Father. Am. Devill thou lyeft Draw. 01. Nay, hold, good Ambrofe \ you een now were angry With me, that did oppofe your faire Conftruftion Of this good Gentleman and his vertuous Daughter. Am. My ignorance wrong'd us both. 01. Good modeft Ainbroje, What do you thinke of this difcovery .■* Dry. You had difcover'd more, if his impatience Had not prevented me : But now I am dumb to you In all, but this. If youle be pleas'd to fup here, I fliall afford you welcome. I have bufineffe. Exit. 01. What can we make of this .-' Am. I know what to do. If City Juflice, grave Authority Prote6l it not, lie furely fpoyle the fport. 01. Canft thou be fo malicious, that, but now Didft love this Wench fo dearly, as to run her Into the hazard of Correc^ltion .? ^ (her. Stay : Here fiie comes, and the Pimp whiskin with Enter Wat. Fran. Do thou take him in hand. He handle her. Now Madam, twenty pound a man ! Nay do not Coy The Davioifelle. 423 Coy it too much ? Your provident Father left us, To make our felves more known to you ; as your price Is known to us already : Look upon us. Fra. Pre ye Sir, have you been ever in France! 01. In Francet No furely, nor in Doftors hands Since I was Placket high. Why ask you Lady ? Fra. For, if you could fpeak Franfh, I could the better Find what you fay. J can no underftand What tis you mean by price. What is that Price, If it be no Welch Gentleman .'' 01. I meane The price of three throws for your Maydenhead, Tis twenty peeces. If I win it (Hearke you) What will you give me out of your groffe fum To take it neatly off; and like an Operator Put you to no paine .■* Fra. Parle Francoy Monjieur, Je vou prie. 01. Thou art a handfome Hyppocrite : And this Cunning becomes thee well. He kiffe thee for't. Fra. Fee fee Monfieur. O fee ! tis no good fafliion For the young Man and Mayd to no ting but kiffe ! 01. Tis not fo good indeed ; nothing but kiffe. A little of tone with tother will doe well. Fra. Fee fee, you no underftand. That Gentle- man, speaks he no Fransh .-' 01. Yes yes. He fpeaks no French, Fra. He Monfieur vou viocque de Moy. 01. Ozvie par ma foy. Fra. Ha Monfieur vou parle francoy. Je fui bien aifie. 01. Eafie ! Yes yes, I thinke you would be eafie To one that knew but how to manage you, For all the boaft of your Virginity. '' VOL. I. Fra. 424 The Damoifelle. Fra. Excufe me Sir, I can no underfland. 01. Me thinks you Oiould. Come prithee leave this fooHng, I know you can good Englifh, if you lift. Fra. Indeed I can. But, in my beft, and all I cannot underftand you Sir, nor frame An anfwer to your rudeneffe. When you know me Better, youle fpeak in better phrafe, and then Tis like you may finde better language from me : Till when, pray give me leave to leave you Sir. 01. Nay heark you Lady, heark you (ftill more myfticall !) Nay fmce you can fpeak Englifh, I muft talke w'ye. Fra. So youle be civill. 01. Civill I fwear, and private. TJiey go ajide. Ant. Does fhee not know on't, fayft thou ? Wat. No Sir, no : Not the leaft inckling of it ; The old man Carry es it fo difcreetly. Am. Bleffe me Heaven."* Difcreetly fayft thou. To betray his Childe, To fale of her Virginity. Wat. Yes, difcreetly. She dreames of no fuch bufmeffe ; fuch intent : No more then the Cud-chewing Heifer knowes The Butcher, that muft knock her down ifaith. O, twill be bravely carried 1 I my felfc Knew nothing till this houre : though I faw Money put in his hand by divers Gallants : Men of great place and worfhip ; which I gather Are to be of the Riflers. A nib. Prithee who .-* Wat. All muft be nameleffe. There are Lords among em. And fome of civill Coat, that love to draw New flakes at the old Game, as well as they ; Truckle-brccch'd Jurticcs, and buftling Lawyers, That TJie Danioijclle. 423 That thruft in with their Motions ; Muffled Citi- zens ; Old Money-Maflers fome, that feek the Purchace ; And Merchant Venturers that bid for the Forreine Commodity, as faire, as any. Amb. Was ever fuch an outrage ! Heark thee fellow — They afide. Fra. Sir, I have heard you with that patience (And with no better) as the troubled Pilot Endures a Tempeft, or contrary winds ; Who, finding neretheleffe his Tackling fure. His Veffell tight, and Sea-room round about him, Playes with the waves, and vies his confidence Above the blafts of Fortune, till he winns His way, through all her threatenings, to his Port. You may apply this. 01. And you may be plainer. Is there not fuch a proje6l for your Maydenhead } Fra. It deferves no anfwer. But to be rid of you, together with The Devill, that inflam'd you to that queflion ; Know, that knew I of fuch a plot or proje6l ; Or, that I had a Father (as injurioufly You have fuggefled) could be fo inhumane, To proftitute my fpotleffe Vergine honour To Luft for Salary, I would as fure prevent it, As there is force in poyfon. Cord, or Steel, At price of both our lives. Sir, I have sayd — Exit. 01. This Wench amazes me. Could I beleeve now There could be truth in Woman, I could love her. Amb. Well, He make one; Meet me here two houres hence, And fetch my twenty Peices. Wat. I will not faile you. In the Temple Walkes Exit. Amb. Where, if I fit you not 01. 426 The Damoifelle. 01. Nam ! What difcovery ? Amb. A villany enough to blow the houfe up. O/. And I have found (I thinke) a vertue, that Might fave a City : But let's hencs. We may Conferr our notes together by the way. Exeunt. ACT. III. Scene II. Bumpfey, Magdalen, Jafie, all in brave Cloaths. Bum. AT AY, nay, I know he is flown out, and I IN Am prettily provided for like flight ; And if I do not pitch as high, and foufe As deep, as he, while there is Game to fly at Five hundred Peices he took out you fay } Ja. And fayd he would venter't at the Ordinary. Bum. Thats hee, thats he ! Why this is excel- lent. Mag. This was your folly Bump. He was content To have walk'd moneyleffe you faw, but you Would force him. At a word you did la' Bump. Bum. I force him, ha .'' Mag. T, at a word, you put it in his head. And put the Sword into the Madmans hand, As one would fay. Bum. Good Mrs. At-a-word. Let not your fine French Frippery, which I bought, Turn'd oth' Taylors hands (as one would fay) Huffle you up to Sovcraignty : Nor your Coach, Whijh I have but befpoak, whirle you away, Before tis finifh'd) from obedience. Mag. Good lack fine Gentleman, that weares the Purchafe Of The Damoifelle. 42/ Of a Pawn'd forfeiture. Mufl I not fpeak trow? Bum. Excellent Magdale7i \ Mag. Sir, I will fpeak ; and be allow'd to fpeak. Bum. And fpeak allow'd too ; will you Magdalen } Mag. I, at a word ; Since you have put me to't, I will uphold the Fashion ; Learn, and praftife Behaviour and carriage above my 'parrell. I at a word, I will la, that I will. Bum. This is moft excellent ! My old Beaft is Infe6led with the Fafliions ; Fafhion-fick ! Pray Ma-dame take your courfe, uphold your Fafliion ; And learn and pra6life Carriage to your Cloaths : I will maintain my humour, though all fplit by't. — Enter Servant. Ser. Mr. Vcrmine defires to fpeak with you. Bum. Ifaith I will Ma-dame. — {^hxit with Ja. My Husband, Mother, Servant?^ Reports of a rare Creature come to Towne, Of a French breed ; a Damoyfcll, that profeffeth The teaching of Court-carriage and behaviour : The rar'ft he faies Mag. Can flie teach the elder fort } Ja. All ages from fix yeares to fixty fix, Unleffe they be indocible he faies. Mag. Indocible! What's that .? Ja. Stiff i'the hammes, 1 think. Mag. IS' ay, then wee' 11 to her. I can yet bowe my Haunches ; come and go With them, as nimbly as the barren Doe. My Gimboles don't complain for want of Oyle yet. Wee'U have this Madame ; and we will be Madames Ourfelves, or it fhall coll us each a Crown A month the teaching. In a Month we may, Pra6tifing but one houre in a day, Be 428 The Damoifelle. Be Madames, may we not ? Ja. Yes, if we give our minds to't ; and but fteale Fit times to praftife. Mag. Wee'll find Lecture times : Or baulk St. Antlins for't the while. But mum. Enter Bumpfey, Vermine. Bum. Do you wonder at my bravery .-' Look you here : This is my Wife ; and this my Daughter, fir. You have loft yours, you fay : Perhaps for want Of Hufty-tufties, and of Gorgets gay. Ha ! ift not fo .? Vcr. The World's turn'd Prodigall. You do not well to mock me, when I come For comfort and advife. Biini. Shall I be plain w'ye ; My beft advife is, fince your Daughters gone, To turn your Son after her. He lies not in For much above a hundred pound. Pay it, And let him take his courfe : If he be not Got loofe already. Then (obferve my Counfell) Spend you the refl of your Eftate your felfe ; And fave youi' Heires the fin. It is the courfe I have in hand, and mean to follow it. You like it not (it feems) but thus it is, When men advife for nothing. Had your Lawyer Now for his fee, given Counfell, might have damn'd you : You would have thought it worth your Gold, and follow'd it. Will you go with me to an Ordinary .-' Venter five hundred or a thoufand Peeces, To begin a new World with. Ver. Mrs. Bionpsey, I take it you are she. Mag. The Damoifelle. 429 Mag. An old Ape has an old eye. He knowes me through all my cuts and flashes. Vei\ How long I pray, has my good friend your Husband Been thus diftra6led } Mag. But when I am perfe6l In the quaint Courtly carriages, that belong Unto this habit ; in which, I confeffe, I am yet but raw ; how will you know me then } Ver. She is as mad as he. Bunt. How Lady-like she talkes! Mag. Or, now my black Bag's on, I hold a penny You do not know me. Bogh-who am I now } Ver. Mod unrecoverably mad ! young Gentle- woman : Nay, I intreat your favour for an anfwer? As you can pity a wrong'd mans diftreffe. Give me what light you can of my loft Daughter. You have been inward alwaies, and partook The neareft of her Counfels. Tell me fairely I do beseech you in this gentle way. Though I profeffe I have a ftrong prefumption Againft your Hulband, and his young Affociates I met to-day ; and bore their mocks and taunts : On which I have good ground for a strickt courfe To force 'em to examination. Yet I entreat you fee. Ja. The World is turn'd Quite upfide downe : Elfe I should wonder How you could make requefts, that have got all You have (too much) by Rapine and Oppreffion. Ver. Do you upbraid me ? Bum. What's the matter Jane ? Ja. The Fox here learns to fing. Mag. He fox him out oth' hole if he fing here. Will 430 The Damoifelle. Will no Prey ferve you but new married wives, Fox ? Ver. Why do you abufe me thus ? Ja. I heard you, fir, with too much patience, Abufe my Husband with your foule Sufpition. Who is as cleer, I know, from wronging y^-u, As your own Son. Ver. Your mocks are monftrous. Were not he faft enough, I would refolve No other friend had robb'd me. Mag. Is your fon a friend ? At a word, hee's like you. Enter Sir Amphilus, Servant. Amp. I pray, if my man aske for mee, fend him to me, by your Mafters leave. By your leave Sir, I made bold to follow a Father-in-Law of mine that fliould have been, into your houfe here, with much ado to find it. Any good newes Sir yet .'' Ha' you heard of her ? I cry thefe Ladies mercy ; though you may take me for a Clowne, I muft not forget I am a Knight, and give you the curtefie of my lips Bum. In the name of Peafantry, what Knight art thou, If not the Knight of the Plough-fliare ? Mag. A fine fpoken, and a well-bred man, at a word : He call'd us Ladies. To fee what Apparell can do ! How long might I have trudg'd about in my old coats before I had been a Lady .-' And then hee would do us the curtefie to kiffe us : Sure, fure, as curtefie makes a Knight, fo cloaths makes a Lady. Amp. It feems fhe's loft then. All ill go with her. Bum. What old youth can this be ? Amp The Danioifelle. 43 1 Amp. Your warrant, perhaps, may find her though. And I tell you what. I ha' fent my man to lay the Ducking Ponds for her. Bum. Do you think fhe would drown her felfe .-' Amp. Who knowes what toy might take her.'' Is fhe not a woman, a'; other flefli and blood is .'' 1 had another occafion to one that belongs to the Ponds. I tell you as a Friend, I had not fent els : Come Pather- in-Law that fhould have been ; hang for- row. You have had but one Loffe to-day. I have had two. He gi't you in Rhime. My Mare and my MiJlrefCe I loji on a day, T'one of 'em dyed, and f other ran away. Ja. You are acquainted among the Poets it feems, fir.? Amp. Truly but one that's a Gamfter amongft us at the ducking Pond ; a Cobler, but the neateft Fellow at Poetry, that ever was handicrafts- man ; & no Scholler, to enable him by learning, to borrow of the Ancients : Yet he is a Trans- lator too. And he makes the fweeteft Pofies for Privie-houfes. J a. Ha, ha ha. Bwn. What a youth's this for a Knight ! Enter Trebafco. Amp. He tell yee Ladies O Trebasco. Good newes at lafl I hope. Tre. I can never finde you any where, but jeer'd and laugh'd at, and are fool'd, (as I I have often told you) to your Worfliips face, and your Worfliip perceives it not. Amp. To the point, man. How does my Whelp '^. He is grown a tall Dog by this I hope ; refolve me quickly. E Tre, 432 The Damoifelle. Tre. Why, to put you out of your pain ; your Whelp's grown a tall Dog. Amp. Good. Ja. You faid you would tell us, fir : What will you tell us } Tre. And a handfome Dog. Amp. Good again. Ja. What a Dog-trick's is this \ Tre. And has learnt, befides the main Game, all the rare tricks and qualities his Tutor could teach. Amp. Excellent. Ja. Will you not tell us, fir, about your Poet } Amp. Hang him, my Dogs worth 'em all, in ready money. Mag. I pray, fir. Amp. I will not give his eares for the fwolnft headfull of wit among 'em. Are not his Eares finely curl'd Trebasco ? Like his Dam Flapfcs. Tres. Yes, and his Coat all over, fir, they told me. Aiftp. Told thee! Didfl thou not fee him? My heart mifgives me. Tre. See him .-' No indeed, fir ; but I pray beare it as well as you may : And fet not your heart too much upon tranfport- able things. Amp. Ha! Tre. The Dog is gone, fir. Aitip. How! Tre. Stolne from Schoolc, fir ; and fold to a great Monsieur, And Shipt away foure dales ago. Amp. O my heart will break. Ja. Do not faint Knight ; Cheare up your heart with your Mufe. A mp. The Damoifelle. 433 Amp. My velne is yet too dul ; But I will offer at it. Three Loffes I have had ; gone, pa ft all help My Mare, my Miflreffe, And (which g-rieves me mofl ol" all) my whelp. Ja. That line is long enough to reach him. Amp. I would it were elfe. o Bum. Od's pity. Look you, fir, your Son-in- Law, that fhould ha' been, is in much paffion too. But you'll be rul'd by me, you fay. And if 1 lead you not to com- fort, never trufl: Neighbours counfell while you live. Is not this plain enough t My own cafe at this time is as dangerous as yours. Ver. That's all that comforts me. Bum. Neighbourly faid. I thank you. Come, Sir, will you joyn with your Father-in- Law that fhould ha' been, and me in a Cup of Wine to order a defigne. Tre. There's a reckoning towards. Bum. It fhall coft you nothing. Am. To the next Tavern then. Ladies adieu. To part with fuch as you to fome are croffes. Yet He not put you down among my Loffes. Exeunt. Mag. Daughter while they are gone, let us fall on our projeft. Ja. For Courtly carriage and behaviour. Mag. I long to fee this French young fchool- miftrefs. The Damafin do you call her } Ja. The Damoifelle, He wait on you. Exit. A CT. 4-34 T^^''^ Damoifelle. ACT. nil. Scene I. A Rabble of vjide Fcllozves f idling .in Wat after them, Valentine, Oliver, Ambrofe, Phillis. Wat. A/'OU Rogues, Slaves, Villaines, will you X murther me ? Rab. To the Pump with him : To the Pump, to the Pump. Val. Prithee beat off the Curs. Rab. No, to the Thames, the Thames. Phil. Why do you ufe the man fo } Is he not a Christian } Or is he not Chriften'd enough think you, that you would dip him .-* 01. Pray Gentlemen forbeare : It is thought fit, Upon requeft made by a Noble Friend, Favouring his Perfon, not his quality ; That for this time the Pandar be dilmis'd. So all depart in peace. Enter Rabble. Rab. Away, away, lets go then. I. A Noble Friend ! Pox of his Noble Friend- ship, He has fpoyl'd our fport. O ! how we would a fous'd him .■' 01. Now, Mr. Hackney-man,\{ yoM have fo much grace, Render due thanks. Wat. I thank you Gentlemen. Phil. I thank you for him too. 01. The Damoifelle. 435 01. On both your Knees ; unlefs you hold it better To kneele yet to the Pump : which you had done, My moft officious Pimp, had not his pity Prevayl'd againft our Juftice. Val. So, arife ; enough, enough. Amb. Troth tis a fliame he fliould get off fo eafily ; Let him be yet but duck'd, or fliew'd the way Over the Garden Wall into the Thames. Val. Good Ambrofe, be not fo fevere ; who knowes What need we may of him .■* We are all Flefli and blood Ambrofe. Phil. Thou art a Wag I warrant thee. Amb. Are not you married .'' Val. Mafs, twas fo late, I had almoft forgotten it. Amb. No, tis fo late you ha' not yet forgot Some Office he has done you in his way. 01. Didft ever pimp for him .'' Proteft by wha. thou fear'ft moft. Wat. No, as I hope to efcape this Gentleman fury. Amb. Go, get the hence, infufferable Villaine, I could een kick thee into twenty peeces, \^He kicks And fend thee to thy Mafter, for my ftake Wat.] Soon, at his Rifling. Think whilft thou liv'ft what tis to be a Pandar, — A Pandar, — Pandar — there's for yourremembrance. \^He kicks him.'] Val. Enough. Amb. This touch, & I have done Val. Away Phil. Pray let him go, He fchoole him [Exeunt for it. Wat PhillisJ Val. This may work good upon, the Rafcall, if he E 3 Have 436 The Damoifelle. Have but humanity, although no grace. 01. We have difcovered the great Rifling Val. We know the Jewell now ; the rich Comodity. Val. And think you have done wondrous wifely ; do you not ? To fneak before me thither. I know all You have difcover'd ; and how far you are Miftaken in the old man and his Daughter. All shall be plaine to you foon. Walke off alittle. 01. We'll leave you till anon we meet at the Ordinary. \^lixit. 01. Amb.] Enter Vermine. Amphilus Bumpfcy. Amp. I proteft, Gentlemen, I have not drown'd for row With fo much merry-go-down, thefe three halfe years. Bump. As with your part of three halfe pintes of Sack. We had no more amongft us. Amp. How much was that a peece think you .-' Ver. It was enough to fhew his Prodigality. In over-waftfull Coft. You were not wont To oe a Boordfend-King ; a pay-all in a Tavern. Bum. But now I love to do thefe things. A mp. Now if you could be drawn to the ducking- Pond, To joyn your Groat fometimes with me ; or two- pence, There were a Recreation indeed ; That Peerleffe Princely fport, that undoes no man : Though cheating there ; and rooking be as free As there is fquare play at the Ordinaries. Bum. Well the point is : My fwaggering Son- in-law, Appointed to be here among the Trees. My Daughter told me fo. Walk here about. If he can give light of your light, hee'd chide. Well The Damoifelle. 437 Well try what may be done. He but ftep up Into Rain- Alley- Sanctuary, to Debtor, That praies and watches there for a Prote6lion ; And prefently return to you. Exit. Avip. Let it be fo ; 'flj4 the old angry man ! Enter Brookall. He'll crofs us if he fee us walke this [Exit Amp. way. Vermine.] Broo. Thefc walks afford tomiferable man, Undone by Suits, leave, yet, to fit, or go, 'I'hough in a ragged one ; and look upon Ihe Giants, that over-threw him : [Lawyers Though they ftrut arid others And are fwolne bigger by his emptinefs. pafs over Twas here, that we appointed, further ihe Stage.} meeting. The two houres refpited are almoft run : And he engag'd his honour in fuch tearmes. As I prefume he'll come. Honour! From whence Can he derive that Princely attribute, Whofe Father has defcended to a Villany } His houfe was Noble though : and this young man Had a right virtuous Mother, whom I lov'd. Intirely lov'd : and was in Competition For marriage with her ; when high Providence Allotted her to him ; who fmce her Death, Defam'd my Sifter, and difgrac'd our houfe. My quarrell is not good againft his Son For that : But for my Boy ! His doubtfuU talk Of him diftra6ls me. Enter Vermine, and Amphilus. See the Vermine, That hath devoured me living, His Afpe6l E 4 Addcs 438 The Damoifelle. Addes to my Paffion fuch a bitternefs, That turnes me all to gall. I muft avoid him. {Exit)^ Amb. Introth Father-in- Law that fliould ha' been, or that May be yet (come, who knowes what luck we may have, Though the dancing Planets have cut crofs Capers over Our heads.) I like this old fellows humour of chearing up The heart well ! And would I were loft too, after my Mare, My Dog and your Daughter : If this warm Sack has not Kindled a defire in me to play the good fellow, fo it might Be of free cofl, to drown thefe dry remembrances. Enter Valentine. See, one of the jeerers. Is this he, that ftole the marriage 1 Vcr. Yes, and perhaps my Daughter too. His Father's gone Now, and I know not how to queftion him. Amp. Let me alone to queftion him. Did you see this Gentleman's Daughter, fir, my Wife, that fliould have been } Val. Since when, fir. Amp. Since flie was ftolne away, fir. It were good You would let us have her again ; and quickly too. Ere flie be worfe for wearing, as we fay. Val. Old IWookaU is not come yet. Amp. Will you answer me .'* Val. You are a bufy foole. Amp. I am fatished. He knowes nothing. Val. The Danioifelle. 439 Val. You lye, Sir. Amp. I think I do. You know nothing of her I mean, Sir. Val. You lye again, Sir. Amp. I think I do again. Sir. Pray be not fo terrible ; Examine him your felfe, if it pleafe you. Enter Brookall. Broo. Were his eyes Bafiliskes ; or did he beare Upon his hellifh Countenance the faces Of all the Furies (that no doubt attend him) He fhun no place for him. Are they acquainted ? O moft prodigious ! Ver. What do you know, Sir, of my Daughter, I befeech you ? Val. That fhe has a wretch, a miferable Caitiff Unto her Father. Broo. How is that ? \afide^ Val. A villain that has fcrap'd up by oppreffion Law-ftrife and Perjury, a Dowry for her. So mixt with curfes, that it would confume An Earles Eftate to match with it and her. And leave him curs'd in his Pofterity. Amp. How bled was I to mifs her ! Broo. Can he fpeak thus to him } \ajide.'\ Ver. Dar'ft thou confront me thus .'* Val. Dar'ft thou yet keep a Groat of thine extorted Wealth, And feeft what Judgments fall one thee already .■' Can all thy Gold redeem thy good opinion, To thine owne Son .-* And though thou wouldft no give (In cafe he wanted it) to fave his life, A Hangmans Fee, much leffe a Judges thanks, Or price of a Lords Letter to reprieve him ; . ^ VOL. I. Yet 4fio The Damoifelle. Yet may this Son furvive thee ; and hourely he Unto thy laft houre, thine Affliftion be. Amp. O happy condition of a Batchelor ! Broo. I Hke this well in the young man. — \ajide\ Ver. How can you fay you know this ? F^/. Prethee how can't be otherwife t Hadft thou a vertuous Childe (as here and there, Some Mothers win a foule) it would be taken Dead or alive from thee, unto thy greife too, To fcape the curfe might come with a Childs part Of thine ill-got eftate ; that's thy Daughters cafe. Ver. Oh Broo. Brave young fellow ! (not Val. But fhew me where an evill Off- fpring has Surviv'd to fpurn the duft of fuch a Father ; And lewdly waft in one or two defcents (Unto their own deftruftion) what was purchafed At price of foules departed .•* Ver. Will you vouchfafe to leave me "i Amp. Pretty odd Do6lrine, this! Val. I have not done w'yee yet. What corrupt Lawyer, or ufurious Citizen, OpprelTmg Landlord, or unrighteous Judge, But leaves the World with horror .-• and their wealth, (By rapine forc'd from the oppreffed Poor) To Heires, that (having turn'd their Sires to th' Devil) Turne Idiots, Lunaticks, Prodigals, or Strumpets ? All wanting either wit, or will, to fave Their fatall Portions from the Gulfc of Law, Pride, Ryot, Surfets, Dice, and Luxury, Till Beggary, or difeafes turnes them after } Ver. Ha' you done yet .'' Val. A word or two for ufe ; and fo an end. Broo. Not fo : It mufl: be amplified a little further. Ver. The Damoifelle. 441 Ver. Torment and death ! Is he come ? Let me go; A7np. Nay pray Sir heare them; though you profit not ; I may perhaps. Methinks it edifies. Broo. You fay'd, and you fay'd well ; His tainted wealth, Got by corruption, kept by niggardife, Muft flye as ill, through Luxury and Riot : I add, that they who get it fo, fhall leave it, To run at the like wafte, through their fucceffion Even to the Worlds end : tis not one age, Though fpent in prayers, can expiate the wrong Such an eftate was gotten by, though the eftate Be, to a doyt, fpent with it : But it fliall Fly like a fatall fcourge, through hand to hand ; Through Age to Age, frighted by Orphans crys. And Widows tears, the groanes and Lamentations, Of oppreffed Prifoners, mingled with the curfes Of hunger-bitten Labourers, whofe very fweat Thou robft them of : this charming noife is up Of many fad, fome mad afflifted wretches, Whofe marrow thou haft fuck'd ; and from whofe bowels. The nourifhment was crufh'd that fed thee, and That ravenous Wolfe, thy confcience. Ver. I fhall trounce you. Enter Bimipfey. Bum. What's here .'' Worrying of Vermine f Broo. This noyfc, I fay, of hideous cryes and curfes, That follows thine eftate, will not be layd In thy deare life time ; nor in theirs, the ftrangers, That muft be curs'd with the divifion Of it, when thou art gone : But, flill, it fhall Purfue 442 The Damoifelle. Purfue, to all fucceeding times, all thofe, That entertaine leaft parcels of thy money, When they shall finde at beft, it can but buy Difgrace, difeafes, overthrows at Law, And fuch deare punifhments ; until, at lafl, All hands, affrighted with the touch of it, Shall let it fall to earth ; where it fliall finke And run into a veyne of Ore, fliall reach To Hell. And they, that fhall, hereafter, dig it, Hundreds of Ages hence, muft all compound With the grand Lord o'th Soyle, the Devill, fort. Amp. So they make hot Purchafes ! Broo. Now Sir, you may inftru6lt the Ufurer, to make ufe. Of all he has heard, while I avoyd his fight ; Heaven knows I am fick on't : you forget me Sir. Val. Feare not : I will not fayle you. Bum. No : lie deliver him the ufe of all. Ver. Oh the variety of my vexation Bum. And all is this (as I advis'd before.) Spend all your felfe, and fave your Heires the fm ; The fliame, the forrows, and the punishments. That are joynt-heritable with your wealth ; As very learnedly hath been related. And there's the point, and the whole fubftance on't. Ver. Beftow your Subftance fo Sir, if you like it. Bump. Sir, my condition runs another way. To the fame end perhaps ; following my Leader, here. Amp. Your Son in Law .-' Truft me, a mofl fine man : And, if his life be anfwerable to his Do6lrine, Tis like heele lead you to a faire end of all. Doubtlcffc he is a fine young Man indeed. A proper teacher and an edifying. Bump. The Damoijelle. 443 Bump. Come Sir, lead on, I heare you are pro- vided Five hundred thick for this free nights adventure. Val. I am Sir, here it is. Bmnp. I am fo too Sir. And here it is : And here it is, and here and there, and here it is. Amp. O brave old man. Bimip. lie make one w'ye at your new Ordinary, They fay tis excellent. Val. For rarity and plenty, There's no fuch Penfion in all this City. Amp. And all for nothing ? Val. For leffe then kiffe your Hofleffe. Amp. And is there delicate Wine too .-• I muft thither. Val. The flowre of France, and quinteffence of Spaiiie Flow like a Spring-tyde through the Houfe. Amp. O rare ! And all for nothing } Bump. Hang nothing. Be it as twill, I am for any thing ; and as well provided. As you, or any the beft Gamefter there. Ver. Sir. Bum. I love to do thefe things. But firft, pray tel me Can you tell tale or tydings of his Daughter here } Val. Not of his Daughter : But I heard his Son Was freed, this, day, from Prifon. Ver. How, how, how. Enter Brookall, Phillis. Broo. Yonder he is, flill, bufie. Phil. He among 'em. Walke you back a little, And, get I any money, He lend thee fome. \yai. 444 '^^^^ Damoifelle. Val. He tell you how. Some friend has paid his debt ; The A6lion is difcharged ; and he's releas'd. Ver. You pra6life my abufe. Tis not in man, To do me fuch a mifchiefe. Amp. Away Girle. Phil. Thou art as hard, as this dry cruft, here, was. But he is better minded now, I hope : Now, old man I am fure thou art for me, Thou curfedft me before, but now thou wilt Bleffe me, I hope, and not without a Croffe. Of a faire Silver Sixpence. Ver. Hence you Harlot. PhiL Nay look you, if I could afford it, thinke you I'de make two words w'ye : this but a fixpenny matter Between us ; why will you be fo hard : tis but So little leffe left among all thy Children ; And He bate it them in their prayers for thee, Though I bee at the trouble, my felfe, to do it. Val. Troth, flie begs prettily, I muft give her fomething. Here Wench. Burn. What is it, I will fee it. Phil. Tis a good Shilling, and a vie ; will you fee't Sir .? Bum. Look you, tis cover'd. Phil. Gentlemen, will you come in .-* will you vie it .•• Amp. No we deny it. Phil. You may revye it then, if you pleafe. They come not in to binde it. Val. Will you come in againe Sir? Bum. Sir, after you, and't be to my lafl fixpence. I will keep Covenant w'ye, Val. TJie Damoifelle. 445 Val. A fhilling more on that. Bum. Done Sir : there tis. Phil. Why, thefe are Lads of bounty ! Have you any minde yet Gentlemen ? Ver. What, to be Bankrupts ? Phil. Troth, thou wouldft feare as much, fhouldft thou but break Thy Porredge Pipkin. Val. Prithee what's thy name .'' Phil. Nell, my Mother calls me. I nere knew Sire, nor Godfire. Val. Nell? Phil. Yes : And tis as bonny a Beggars name, as ever came from beyond Trent. Val. This Girle, methinks, howere neceflltated Into this courfe, declares fhe has a fpirit Of no groffe ayre : And I dare think her Blood, Although, perhaps, of fome unlawfuU mixture, Deriv'd from Noble veines. One may perceive Much in her Language, in her Looks, and Gefture, That pleads, methinks, a duty above pitty, To take her from this way, wherein fhe wanders So farr from the intent of her Creation. Bump. Your meaning is, you would buy her out of her Calling. Is it not fo } Val. Ten Peices I would give Towards a new one for her. Bump. Here's ten more To bind you quite from begging. Can you afford it.? If yes, accept it. And let's fee your back. Phil. I make no Curtfies, nor fend thanks that way. No, lie be forwards in them. May my thanks and prayers Multiply years and bleflings on your heads. And 446 The Damoifelle. And when I beg againe, may Beadles take Advantage on my back, and lafh the skin off, So Heaven be ever with you Val. Stay. Who would not have given this Money ? Gentlemen, Doft not move you to give a packing penny ? Phil. Nor move you them for me. I fhould, now, feare One of their ill-got pence, here mingled, would Corrupt and overthrow my righteous Fortune. Exit Phil. Amp. O villanous Vixen. Ver. Each minute of this day augments my torments, Yet I have coold it with fome patience ; Attending Sir your anfwer. Val. For your fon, Ver. I have no Son. I aske you for my Daughter. Val. Be this your pennance for your misbeleife, Hye you to the Compter : if you finde not there Your fon ; me^t me an hour hence at my Fathers. He tell you news of him; and he perhaps May tell you of his Sifter. This deferves A fee. Your abfence pays it me. Go quickly, We have fome bufmeffe : And your flay will but Make the Scene tedious. Ver. Weel go. Wil't pleafe you .'' Amp. Yes; we will off in Rhime. There is no doubt. If Wat be not i'th Compter, he is out. Exit Ver. Amp. Bump. Now, what's the next vagary .-* Val. Onely this Sir, You have playd at fmall Game with me. Now there is A greater tryall of my Love and Bounty, Inftantly The Darnoifelle. 447 Inftantly to be made. A Gentleman, (I ftay too long) an intimate Freind's arrefted, But for two hundred pound on execution : Will you joyne Charity to fetch him off? Bump. I would 't had been thine owne cafe two dayes fmce. One of your fine Companions, fome poor Shark ? Ha, ift not fo ? Val. Will you be pleasd to fee him ? Bump. I am halfe fick of this Condition. I do begin, not altogether, now. To love thefe things fo well methinks. Humh ha ! Val. Nay, if you go not chearfully Bump. Yes : I go. Exeunt ambo. ACT. IV. Scene II. Brookall, Phillis. Broo. /"^ Ood Childe, thy tale is pittifull ; yet it Vjr forts So with the fell condition of my Fortune, That I crave more of it. Phil. I came not to Difcourfe of forrow, but to bring you comfort : Will you yet have a Crowne .-' Broo. I prithee keep Thy Money Child ; and forwards with thy ftory. Thou faydft thy Mother was a Gentlewoman, Phil. He give you reafon. Since I can remember, Shee never did a wrong, though fuffered much ; Nor the leaft unjuft thing. No, though her poverty And care of me have pinch'd her very bowels, Shee knew not how to feek anothers good, So much as by requeft. Shee never durfl borrow, F For 448 The Damoifdle. For feare to come fo ncer the danger of A promife-breach : And, for bafe ends, to lye Shee holds it facriledge. I faith fhe jerk'd That humour out of me ; for I was given (I tell you as a Friend) a little to't. It came fure by the Father. God forgive him. Broo. Thou faydft, thou thoughtft, thy Father was a Knight. How thinkft thou he could lye then, to abufe A Virgine of that goodneffe, as it feemes Shee, that by him became thy Mother, was. Phil. The Devill, fure, was powerfuU with him, then. Nor do you hear me fay, all Gentlefolkes Are of one minde. Alaffe they could not live One by another then. Broo. Peace, flay a little : How came thy Mother to decline her fpirit So low, as thus to fuffer thee to beg .'' PJiil. Vertue goes often wet-fliod, and is faine To coble it felfe up to hold out water And cold neceffity : But fure, the quality Came to me by the Fathers fide too : For Tis a more commendable, and Courtly pra6life To beg, than fteale. He was perhaps, a Courtier. I rather would be rob'd of all I have, Than fteale one farthing. Broo. Thou fay'ft thy Mother never would reveale To thee, or any one, her Birth, or Fortune. Anfwer me, prethee, how doft thou colle6l Th' hadfl: such a Father t Or that he has thus Wrong'd thy poore Mother, by not marrying her 'i Phil. Now you come to me indeed old man : How now. What do you weep ? Broo. The fliarpnefs of the Aire Strikes The Damotjelle. 449 Strikes on mine eyes a little. Prethee fay. Phil. I firft, as fain would know the hidden caufe That works this aptnefs in me, to difcover My Mother and my felfe to you. I know not How to look off o'you. Ifaith you weep. I have heard fome talk of naturall infl:in6l, But know not what it is. Pray can you tell me } Or any like reafon, why ] fhould Thus doat, and hang about you } Or tell me this, Have you not been of better Fortune .■' Are not you Some decayed Knight .? Be not afham'd, but tell me. They cannot all be rich, there are fo many. Broo. Oh my heart ! Phil. Yea, are your Confcience-ftruck .-* Have at you for a father then : And yet Me-thinks you are more old in goodnefs, then To be, fo late, fo wicked, as to wrongf A woman of her fvveetnefs. -Yet He try you. Here is a long-kept Paper. This is all That ere I gathered of my Mothers wrong, And of my Fathers cruelty, and condition. It feemes this was his hand, and ruthfuU farewell, He turn'd her off withall. See, if you know it. More then a thoufand times I have obferv'd her Weep o're that Paper ; ever carefull, though. Her teares might not deface it. If by chance, As when thofe teares prevented had her fight, Some fbft ones did on that hard Sentence light, Her Lips took off the Trefpafs of her Eye ; And her hot Sighes reftor'd the Paper dry. Broo. This comes fo neer a Miracle ; that my faith I feare is flaggering. How got'ft, thou this paper } Phil. I ftole it from my Mother, (and in Troth F 2 Tis 450 The Damoifelle. Tis all that ere I ftole) becaufe fhe fhould not Weep out her eyes upon't. I do not love, Although I am a beggar, to lead blind folks. Do you not find there, that he is a Knight, Though he fubfcribes no name ? He tells her there, And tauntingly, he knowess flie is more forry For the loft Ladyfliip he promis'd her. Then for her Maiden-head. Let me heare you read it. Broo. Mine eyes, are now, too full indeed ; I cannot. PJiil. Are you the man then, whom I muft ask bleffmg } If you bee, fpeak. He have you to my Mother, Though, I dare fweare, fhe had rather dye, then you, Or any of your Race, or hers, fhould fee her, Whilft file has breath. Yei I will undertake To prattle you both good friends. And you fliall have my Mammy, And fhe fliall have her Nell (that's I.) The man fliall have his Mare againe, And all fliall be well. How do you } B)'oo. Prethee forbeare me good wench but a little. Enter Valentine. Val. I have kept my time you fee ; and fhall not faile In any Circumftance. Here are two Swords, Pray take your choice. I have bcfpoke a Boat Shall land us o're the water, where you pleafe ; Though, I Protefl, I yet would beg your Love, Next to my Naturall Fathers. B7-00. This I fear'd. And charg'd the plain way. But't fhall not ferve. Val. The Danioifelle. 45 1 Val. You took m\' part of late, againft old Vermin . Broo. Prethee who would not ? This is another cafe. Val. Why, if there be no remedy, pray accept Your forty pounds. The money. Sir, may ftead you For your efcape, when you have ta'ne my Life. Broo. Your money 'would hang me, Sir. Your lifes not worth it. (Son. Val. Tis your own money ; fent you by your Broo. How know I that .'' Or that I have a Son By thee unmurther'd. Val. I told you of a Letter I had miflaid : . Look you. Do you know his hand .'' Broo. I f it be not, Much chang'd, and lately, here is that wil match. Val. Was ever given Gold fo weigh'd, and try'd .'' What Lawyer, Nay, what Judge would be fo fcrupulous .'' No want corrupts good Confcience : Nor excefs Allaies in bad, the thirft of Cov'toufnefs. Phil. What do you think, Sir >. Val. I think you beg again, and would be whipt. Phil. I fecks, I do not beg ; but came to offer This griev'd old man fome of my infinite fortune Found in your lucky money : Lucky indeed ; For I have found a Father by't. I vow I think my Father. Ffl not a fine old man .<* I fhall know more anon. Val. Her money, fure. Has made her Mad : How do you finde it, Sir.^ Broo. My wonder now, is, how thou canfl: be Son Of fuch a Father ! Thou art honeft fure. ^ Here is your Sword, I will accept the money. Val. Then 1 fliall live, and fo may want the money. ic) F 3 Will 45 2 The Damoifelle. Will you forbeare it for a day or two ? Broo. Your Sword again. Now, I profefs to you, I have prefent need on't, And am as ftrift. Sir, for my right, as I Before was to decline it. Val. Pray, Sir, take it ; And give me leave to beg your charitable Conftru6lion of my Father. Broo. How is that ? Val. Did you but know the care, the cofb, and travell He has been at a thoufand waies, to finde Your injur'd Sifter, to make good his fault, If poffibly he might Broo. O he, O fie ! Vai. Till all Opinion gave her dead ; and then The meanes he has fought to do you Offices Againft your knowledge. For he knew your Spirit Would not except of his benevolence. Broo. Read that, and gueffe whofe deed 'tis. Stand off Girle. Phil. Yes forfooth Father, I fliall learn in time, lie call him Father till he findes me another. I know he could not flied thofe teares for nothing. Val. But does fhe live, to whom this was directed .-' Broo. Speak low : is that your Fathers hand .-* Vai It is. Broo. Along with me then. Girle, lead you the way. Phil. Anan forfooth Father. Broo. Shew us to your Mother. Phil. Shall he go too t What will the Neigh- bours think ? There's none but Beggars all about us. Ods fo. There'll be a lliow indeed. Val. No matter. Will }ou go .' Phil. The Darnoifellc. 453 Phil. Sir, they will hale you to peeces. Val. Will you deny me ? Phil. How fhall I anfwer't to my Mother ? She Never faw man, nor has been feen by man, That I know, in my life. Val. No matter : Will you on ? Broo. He fave thee blameleffe. Phil. Troth He venter. Exeunt Oes. A CT. V. Scene I. Frances, Magdalen, Jane, Alice. Wine on a Table. Fra. '' I ^Res bien vejme Madames. X You are very welcome. Mag. Good lack ! And is it you, Mrs. Alice } I'ft poffible } Are you come to learn Carriage too .'' I will make bold with tother Glaffe of Wine. At a word, I like your French Carriage the better, that it allowes elder Women to drink Wine. Ali. They have no other drink, except water. And Maids are allowed but that. Ja. And young wives (they fay) wine with their water. Mag. Mingle your Glaffe, then. Daughter. This for me. Your father has fo fought you Mrs. Alice. Ja. My Father has mift us too, by this time. Mag. But neither of 'em can dream French enough, to dire6l 'em hither, I warrant you. And does fhe learn the Carriages very well, Madam/illy f Fra. Madamoyfellefi vous plaijl. F 4 Mag. 454 Ths Damoifelle. Mag. What do yee cal't ? I fhall never hit it. How do you finde your Schollar ? Fra. O, (he is very good. She learn very well. Mag. But how much carriage hath fhe learnt .-' Heark you Mrs. Alice. Have you not learnt to carry a man } Has not a good Husband ftolne you hither } I can think waggishly I tell you : And an old Ape has an old eye. Go to. AH. No fuch matter, Mrs. Biimpfey. Fra. What is that you fay } Mag. I ask you how much carriage she has learnt .■* Fra. She come but dis day ; And she carry both the hands already. Mag. How fay by that. I'flpoffible } Can she carry both her hands in one day } Fra. Yes, and before to-morrow, she fhall carry the foot as well. Mag. It feems, then, you teach handling before footing in your French way. Fra. You may learn datofde leetle Shild. De leetle Shild you fee will handle de ting, before it can fet one foot to de ground. Come, let me fee you make a Reverance. Mag. Reverance ! What's that .-• Fra. Tis dat you call a Curtfie. Let me fee you make Curtfie. Mag. Look you heare then. Fra. O fee, fee — dat is de grofs english Douck, for de fwagbuttock'd-wife of de Pefant. Mag. How like you this then .-' There's a Reverence I warrant you. Fra. Fee, dat is worfe. See how you carry de hands like de Covicdien dat a6l de shangling. Mag. Shall I ever hit on't troe } I muft take tother Glafs. Ali. The Damoifelle. 455 AH. Take heed she does not take too much. Ja. I hope she will not. But there's no crofling her. Fra. Let me fee your hands. Mag. There they bee. They have been a little too familiar with Sea-coale fires, and much other courfe houfwifry, which I fhall utterly abhor, and wafh off, when I have learnt to carry them Courtly. But fhall I ever do it, think you .-' Fra. Yes, yes, and all your other parts and members. Mag. I may winne my Husband to love mee Courtly then. Fra. To love, and lye with you Courtly. Mag. That's but feldome, I doubt. Fra. You shall know all de waies to winne his Love, Or any mans, to multiply your honour. Mag. I will fo multiply then. Fra. Not onely in your looks, your fmiles and fweet Careffes. (Befides the help of Painting) that adorn The face : But with the motion of each Linea- ment, Of the whole frame of your wel order'd body. An Eye, a Lip, a finger fhall not move ; A Toe trip unregarded. But your Geat And your whole gracefull Prefence shall attra6l, (Beyond afTe6lion) admiration : As He artifice you. Mag. He be a Nimph. Diana and her Dearlings, deare, deare, deare, &c, [y^«<^-] But may I paint, fay you } Fra. O moft allowably ; nay, commendably. Mag. Tother Glafs for that. Fra. Then for the Art of drefTing, fetting forth *• VOL. I. Head, 456 The Damoifelle. Head, Face, Neck, Bread ; with which I will infpire you. To cover, or difcover any part — Unto de befl advantage. Mag. That is to fay, To hide shame, or shew all : that's her meaning. Fra. You fhall have no defeft perceiv'd, no grace conceal'd. Mag. I am for the naked Neck and Shoulders, then. For (I tell you Miflrefs) I have a white Skin, And a round ftreight Neck ; fmooth and plump Shoulders, Free from French Flea-bits, and never a wrinckle Neare'em, though I fay't. Fra. 'Thas been fuggefted by inve6live men, Women, to juflifie themfelves that way. Began that Fashion. As one tother fide. The fashion of mens Brow-locks was perhaps Devis'd out of neceffity, to hide All il-grac'd forehead ; Or befprinckled with The outward Symptomes of fome inward griefe. As, formerly the Saffron-fteeped Linnen, By fome great man found ufefuU againft Vermine, Was ta'ne up for a fashionable wearing. Some Lord that was no Niggard of his Beauty, Might bring up narrow brims to publish it. Another, to obfcure his, or perhaps To hide defefts thereof, might bring up broad ones. As queflionlefs, the ftreight, neat timber'd Leg, Firft wore the Troncks, and long Silk-hofe : As likely The Baker-knees, or fome ftrange shamble shanks. Begat the Ancle-breeches. Mag. Sure the men Took that conceit from us. What woman shewes A The Damoifelle. 457 A Leg, that's not a good one ? \_She JJiewes a Fra. Thefe among men, are fol- fwadled /eg:] lowed for the fashions, That were invented for the better grace. (As our Attires) to fet off Limb, or face. Mag: Good lack ! What knowledge comes from forraigne parts ? Enter Dryground, Wa t. Dry. I prethee Wat, have patience for an houre. Wat. Not for a minute. Sir, He not be kick'd, And call'd bafe Pandar for your bafenefs. Dry. Nay, look you Wat. Wat. And had almoft been pump'd, And made a fport for Water-men i'th' Thames. Dry. But Heare me, Wat. Wat. He heare my Father fooner. (Give me hence My Sifter) were he a ravenous Beaft, a Wolfe, I would obey him rather then trudge a foot Further in your bafe way. Heart I am hip-fhot. Dry. Now, would his Bodies paines convert his Soule, Twere a good work. Wat. I am in defperate feare O'th' Mourning of the Chine too with the kicks, And hunches they o're laid me with. O bafe ! Without refifbance. Give me hence my Sifter. Dry. But how was it my fault .-' Wat. Was't not your proje6l } ya. What may this mean } AH. No harm I warrant you. Wat. Nay, it fhall out. Your bafe inhumane Projea, To fell your Daughters Maiden-head. (I care not Who heares me, L) And cunningly to make me Your 458 The Dainoifelle. Your Hackney-jade to fetch your Chapmen in. Mag. Where are we now ? Ja. What did my Husband mean to wifh us hither ? Wat. Bafenefs ! I cannot call it bad enough. Dry. You were as forward in it as my felfe, And wooed me you might have her without all faults. Wat. Mine eyes are opened now. Dry. But I believe, They were almoft beaten out firft. Wat. And I vow Ere I will marry fo, He take a Beggar, And joyn in trade with her, though I get nothing But — My name is Vermine already, I Thank a good Father for't. Dry. A Beggar- Wenches breed would propagate Your name moft numeroufly. Wat. Much better then your Sale-ware, and more lafting. I think I faw her to-day muft be the woman, Good Madame Polcat, the trim Schoole-miftrifs. lie make bold with your Schollar. What ! you have more, lie carry her and her Virginity Unto fome fitter place of Execution. Ali. You brought me hifher. Sir, and here He flay. Wat. What ! in a Bawdy-houfe .■* Mag. O deare ! and is it fo } What are we then ? Is this your boun fafhion .-• Is this the carriage of the Body, that you would teach us ? What, to bee Whores } We could learn that at home, and there were need, without your teaching, J a. Mother ; what do you mean } Ali. Mrs. Bumpfcy ; pray feare no harm. Mag. The Damoifelle. 459 Mag. O good lack ! what will become of us? Where are we now, Janet Betray'd ! betray'd ! Our honours are betray'd. O my poor Bump, how will thou take this at my hands, though I carry them never fo Courtly ? Dry. 'Sfoot, (he's in her Mawdlin fit : All her wine fhowres out in teares. Mag. 0\o\i,o\ [She falls'] Dry. Pray have her in. Look carefully to her, Mag. Oh, oh, oh, Dry. Take the Bottle with yee. Mag I, I, I. Dry. In all to the next Room. Exeunt Fra. Wat. Sir, Ihe fhall with me. He leave Jane leading her where I found her. out Magda- Dry. Sir, no fuch matter. len. Wat. 'Sfoot, Gentlewoman, mufb I kick you out o' doores .-* Dry. No, nor depart your felfe, but by Authority. I am provided for you. Friends come in. Enter two Sergeants, And do your Office. Ser. We arreft you. Sir ; Nay, we fhall rule you. Wat. Ha, ha, ha. Why, this is well, and very hofpitably done. Would any man but an old Bawde ha' done this .'' Dry. Sir, I miftrufted your Apoftacy. Since you revolt, I muft recall my money ; Or lay you where I found you, as you threatened your Sifter here. Wat. Bafer, and bafer ftill. Are you a Knight } A Knight, a Poft-Knight. A FoftiUion, That rides a fore-horfe, o're thL' Eares in durt. Three fingers thick, is not fo bafe. You Varlets, Do 460 'i he Dainoifelle. Do you arreft folkes in a bawdy-houfe ? Ser. We do not finde it fo ; Or, if it be, The place may be as honeft as our Office. Will you walk, Sir ? Wat. Stay ; Let me confider, If now my Father (as fome in like cafes Have done) would take a fine fubmission. I could affoard to kneele and whine, me-thinks, Rather then back to my old Ward again. Twill nere be handfome though. Enter Valentine. Val. The bufinefs Gentlemen, Wat. My lucky friend. Sir, you reliev'd me lately. Could you now But add another Favour, it might teach One, that nere learnt to pray, to pray for you. Do you not know me, Sir } 'Twas I you fav'd Out of the Temple Sudds. Val. Haft thou been fhav'd fmce } Wat. No, Sir, 1 was difguis'd. Val. Difguis'd! Wat. Difguis'd in villany, which I recant. Val Who knowes but he may prove an honeft man .-* Pray, Sir, a word. Ser. We do not ufe to wait dry-fifled ; nor dry- throated. Wat. I would you were as wet all over, as I was like to have been : Or, as you are Catchpoles, I would you had been but in thofe hands I efcap'd from. Dry. You have prevail'd. Sir. Val. Sergeants you fhali not out of the House. Here's for halfe an houres attendance. Go into that Room with your Prisoner. You fhali have Wine, and Smoak too. Be The Damoifelle. 461 Be of good cheere friend ; if thou canft be honeft, I can relieve thee ; feare not, Wat. Sir, get my Father but to fay as much, And you fhall be Co-heire with me. I vow you fhall have halfe. \_Exeunt Wat, Sergeants] Val. Wee'll talk anon. The Youth appeares converted. Dry. There was no other meanes to work it by, But that I us'd ; to urg'd him part his Nature. He was fo free in's Villany, that I Giving the Spurs, ran him beyond his fpeed ; Quite off his Legs, and glad to be led home. Val. His Father comes on fairely : I have fol- low'd All your Inftruftions concerning him, And my fantaftick Father-'Law. Both whom Are hard at hand, with the wife weftern Knight. He too's content to go to the beft Ordinary, While tis beft cheap he faies. Where are the women } Dry. Your Mother-'Law, after fhe had got As much French Carriage, as might ferve to furnifh A petty Court ; is fallen into a fit, To over-throw it all againe. Val. The better. But is the houfe cleare. Sir, of all your Riflers 1 Dry. As I could wish ; And well fatisfied. For, when they underftood the honeft end, My Proje6l aim'd at ; which, by an Oration Well charg'd with virtuous Sentences, I forc'd Into the nobler Breafts : they all recanted The barbarous purpofe ; and as freely left Their money for that Charitable ufe, To which I pre-intended it. The reft Purs'd theirs again. But yet I have colle6led In this odd uncouth way, five hundred Pounds, That was laid down at ftake for a Virginity, To 462 The Damoifelle. To make an honefl Itock for Franck. Val. 'Tis good, I may fetch in my Guefts In the meantime You may be pleas'd, Sir, to perufe this Baper. — Exit. Dry. How now ! what's here ? How might he come by this ? It is the fcorn I fent my injur'd Love ; My abus'd Elynor : The hand, that threw Her from me. O, that at the price of it I could receive her. Enter Oliver. Ambrofe. 01. Sir, by your leave, We come to fup w'yee. Does your Rifling hold } Amb. What, you are off o' the hooks, me-thinks. 01. If there be no fuch thing, tell us the Riddle } Dry. You fhall know all, and briefely. Franck, come in. Enter Franck. Now Gentlemen 01. Let us falute her firfl. — Salute, then whifper. Dry. She does not taft of fm, Faire Chaftity Sits crown'd upon her Brow, with an afpe6l, May beat down Luft to Hell, from whence it rofe. Fra. You profeffe Nobly, fir. 01. I vow, and do not lye to you : If I finde Your Father fo inhumane, you againft it : Wee'll be your Refcue, if forty able fword-men Which we have, at the fignall of a finger, Planted in readinefs, can fetch you off: Do you approve .'' Fran. Yes, and admire your goodnefs. 01. Now we are for you, fir : Dry. Then hcare the (lory ; which your late Impatience would not permit. Amb. The Damoifelle, 463 Amb. You fpeak not now In that high Phrafe, or tone, as Enter Valentine, you did then. F«/. Stand here, Bumpfey, Ver- unfeene; and heare attentively, mine, Ampkihis, Dry. I am a Gentleman, that Brookall, Elynor, by foule mifdeed Phillis. (Heaven, Heaven I aske thee pardon) once did wrong To an unfortunate Family, by reje6ling, After affiance, and her love abuf'd, A Gentlewoman 01. You got with child, and then deny'd her Marriage. Dry. Twas fo. Ely. Ay me ! Val. No paffion, gentle Soule. Phil. If this fhould prove my Father now ! — 01. Well Sir, your Gentlewoman ! Dry. Shee, on the difcontent, (poore hapleffe Soule) Now fourteen Winters fmce though fadly burden'd, Fled, and no more is heard of: at the firft My wildneffe took no fenfe of this deare Loffe ; But drew me through the wayes of careleffe plea- fure, By riotous expence, that mine eftate And Credit ran at wafte, and was nigh fpent, Untill my trefpaffe cry'd againft my Confcience To render fatisfa6lion : but in vaine We offer to the dead. My Genius therefore Prompts me to gratefuU deeds unto her Blood. Amb. What can this come to } Dry. Shee had a Brother, that loft his eftate By Law — Br. Means he not mee .-• Dry. To a Corrupt Oppreffor Ver. Ha ! How's that } {e) Dry. 464 The Damoifelle. Dry. Was ftiipt out of the very Coat he wore, Had nothing left him, but a Sonne 01. What's all this to your Daughter ? Dry. Even all that may be; (fee) His Sonne's my Daughter. Dif cover Franc. Now do you find my proje6l Gentlemen ? It has at Charge of three dayes Houfe-keeping Put halfe a thoufand pounds in's purfe ; Befides A faire pull for his Fathers Land againe : For he has, by a lawfull Church-man, married The Daughter of his Fathers Adverfary. 01. Why, here are wonders ! Avib. Bravely, nobly done Dry. Come Mrs. Alice ; and juftifie your A61. Enter Alice Ver. My Daughter, ha ! Amp. My fweetheart, hoe ! Fra. Your haes and hoes can not draw her from me, fhee is my Wife. Ver. By what witch-craft .-* Dry. By ftronger Charmes, then your Art can diffolve. You know me now, Sir — and my Proje6l, do you not .'' Dif covers himfelfe. 01. Anib. Sir Humfrey Drygroiind. Ver. I am ftruck dum with wonder. Elin. O tis he, tis hee. (Lady, Val. Alaffe fhe fwounes, Sir cheare you up this While I appeafe the reft. A word with you Sir. Amp. I will not be appeaf'd. Dry. My love ! my Ely nor ! Bump. So, cheare her up Sir Hiimfry. To her againe Sir Humfry ; your Sonne and mine in Law has told me all your ftory, and reconcil'd your Brother Brookall to you before your interview. I know all, the full point, and the whole fubftance ; the flat and plaine of the bufineffe ; and now I love thefc things againe. How now. Sir Amphilns ? Drown'd in Mclanchollv ? Amp. TJie Damoifelle. 465 Amp. No : But and I were at the Ducking pond, I know what I know. But when I drown my felfe, I'll give you leave to hang me. Ali. Your pardon, and your bleflmg, I befeech you. Ver. Hence. Exit Valentine. Broo. Was this thy Journey into France my Boy ? High Providence hath made it good. But tell mee, Was Love your chiefe Inftru6lor to this Marriage ? Fran. Indeed it was equall in her and mee. Ali. Pray Sir your bleffmg. Ver. Away. Broo. Turne this way for a blefling then my Daughter, Bump. Shall I tell you Neighbour .'' Law has no reliefe for you ; And Confcience and you have a longe time been ftrangers. Could you be friends and embrace Confcience now, all would be well. And there's the fubftance. Is it plaine .'' Ver. Confcience ! do you know where fhe is ? Enter Val. Wat. Magdalen, Jane. Val. Heeres one has brought her in his true Converfion. Wat. Sir, if you can forgive, and can obey you — I now can better kneele, then fpeak He weeps Val. Do you note thofe teares, Sir .'' Had you loft your Daughter, My Father had in this made you amends. In finding you a Son. His Art converted him. Ver. Sure, all's but Apparition, or a dream. Bump. Ha ! Think you fo } Tis your own flefh and blood : And by your leave and liking, may prove as honeft a Man, as his Father. Is not this plaine now } Forgive and bleffe e'm all over, and fo Kiffe 'em too. They are your Children. G 2 ^Ii-^g' 466 The Damoifelle. Mag. O my deare Bump ! Art thou there ? Thou mayft kifle, and forgive me all over too, for any harm, or dhhonefty ; though the place be as they fay-at a word, Bump. Thou mayft believe me, I came but to learn Carriage of the Body, nor to carry no bodies body, but my owne body, Bump. No truely, truely Bump, o o that ever I did that. Bump. Peace, peace. All's well. At leaft I know your Difeafe. Mag. Think me not drunk, good Bump, a little fafliion-fick, or fo. Amp. Fafhion-fick ! a fine civill word. To be drunk, is fafliion-fick. Ver. I am awak'd out of the Lethargy Of Avarice : Bleft may our Friendfhip be. Dry. I will not fleep, before the holy Prieft Has done the Office. Bleffing on my Girle. Val, Thou haft made me young againe : the beft Occurrents in this Projeft have been thine. Thy Accidents exceeded my defigne. Val. They do not yet ceafe here : For fee, the ft rife Betwixt thefe long continued Adverfaries Perfe6lly reconcil'd ; and both have given The young and hopefuU married paire their Bleffings. Atnp. To which I have given my confent moft freely. For it was Nolens volens as they fay. Val. They are beholden to you. Mr. Vermine Reftores unto the Son the P^athers Land, For Dowry with his Daughter : And is taken So with the good you wrought upon his Son, The Convertite here ; that if he ftand firme Till the determination of your Mortgage, Hcc'l canccll it, and fend it Gratis to you. WaL The Damoifelle. 467 Wat. That's fure enough. But Sir, the other bufineffe Dry. What's that ? Val. The moft to be admir'd of all ; He loves my Sifter here ; and has done long : But, now, that he perceaves her worth (being yours) And, fince you promifd him your Daughter too, He makes it his faire fuit. Dry. I'll talk with his Father. And Wat ftand you but firme, and live reform'd, Winning my Daughters love, you fhall have mine. Phil. That Fortune is not blinde, that fhew'd me way To Father, Friends, and Husband in one day. Dry. This binds us all into a Brother-hood. Bro. And with a Brothers Love I now falute you. Dry. So may we with a generall embrace, Create the Heart of Friendfhip, not the Face. Come Gentlemen, your Ordinary ftayes. Twill prove good fare (I hope) though no rich Feaft; And acceptable to each welcome Gueft. Epilogue 468 The Damoifelle. Epilogue. No way ambitious yet of vulgar praifey The writer of these Scenes defires to know, By your fair e leave, though he affume no Bayes, Whether he pull d f aire for a Icafe or no. If yes, then let your hands affiflatit be, Tincourage him to climb Apollo's tree. FINIS. DFO 1 ^ bo- UC SOUTHFRN RFGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY AA 000 624 426 3 liiliflf 3 1210 01222 0628