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HENRY ALTEMUS COMPANY 
 
 PHILADELPHIA 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 As related by Mr. Michael Ileffernan, Master of 
 
 the National School at Tallymactaggart, in 
 
 the County Leitrim, to a friend, during his 
 
 official visit to Dublin for the purpose 
 
 of studying political economy, in 
 
 the spring of 1838. 
 
 HOW FATHER TOM WENT TO TAKE 
 POT-LUCK AT THE VATICAN 
 
 "^X^HEN his Riv'rence was in 
 Room, ov coorse the Pope 
 axed him to take pot-look wid him. 
 More be token, it was on a Friday; 
 but, for all that, there was plenty of 
 mate; for the Pope gev himself an 
 absolution from the fast on account 
 of the great company that was in it, — 
 3 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 at laste so I 'm tould. Ilowandiver, 
 there 's no fast on the dhrink, any- 
 how, — glory be to God! — and so, as 
 they wor sitting, afther dinner, taking 
 their sup together, says the Pope, says 
 he, "Thomaus," for the Pope, you 
 know, spakes that away, and all as one 
 ov uz, — ''Thomaus a lanna/' says he, 
 'T 'm tould you welt them English 
 heretics out ov the face. ' ' 
 
 "You may say that," says his Riv'- 
 rence to him again. "Be my soul," 
 says he, "if I put your Holiness 
 undher the table, you won't be the 
 first Pope I floored." 
 
 Well, his Holiness laughed like to 
 split; for you know. Pope was the 
 great Prodesan that Father Tom put 
 4 
 
Father Tom and the Pooe 
 
 down upon Purgathory ; and ov coorse 
 they knew all the ins and outs of 
 the conthravarsy at Room. '*Faix, 
 Thomaus, ' ' says he, smiling across the 
 table at him mighty agreeable, — ' ' it 's 
 no lie what they tell me, that yourself 
 is the pleasant man oyer the dhrop ov 
 good liquor." 
 
 ''Would you like to thry?" says 
 his Riv'rence. 
 
 ''Sure, and am n't I thrying all I 
 can ? ' ' says the Pope. ' ' Sorra betther 
 bottle ov wine 's betuxt this and Sala- 
 manca, nor there 's fornenst you on 
 the table ; it 's raal Lachrymachrystal, 
 every spudh ov it." 
 
 "It 's mortial could," says Father 
 Tom. 
 
 5 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 ''Well, man alive," says the Pope, 
 "sure, and here 's the best ov good 
 claret in the cut decanther. " 
 
 "Not maining to make little ov 
 the claret, your Holiness," says 
 his Riv'renee, "I would prefir 
 some hot wather and sugar, wid 
 a glass ov spirits through it, if 
 convanient. ' ' 
 
 "Hand me over the bottle of 
 brandy," says the Pope to his head 
 butler, "and fetch up the materi'ls," 
 says he. 
 
 ' ' Ah, then, your Holiness, ' ' says his 
 Riv'renee, mighty eager, "maybe 
 you 'd have a dhrop ov the native in 
 your cellar? Sure, it 's all one 
 throuble," says he, "and, troth, I 
 6 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 dunna how it is, but brandy always 
 plays the puck wid my inthrails. " 
 
 ** 'Pon my conscience, then," says 
 the Pope, "it 's very sorry I am, 
 Misther ]\Iaguire," says he, ''that it 
 is n 't in my power to plase yon ; for 
 I 'm snre and certaint that there 's not 
 as much whiskey in Room this blessed 
 minit as 'ud blind the eye ov a midge. " 
 
 ''Well, in troth, your Holiness," 
 says Father Tom, ' ' I knewn there was 
 no use in axing; only," says he, "I 
 did n't know how else to exqueeze the 
 liberty I tuck, ' ' says he, ' ' of bringing 
 a small taste," says he, "of the raal 
 stuff, ' ' says he, hauling out an imperi '1 
 quart bottle out ov his coat-pocket; 
 "that never seen the face ov a 
 7 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 ganger," says he, setting it down on 
 the table fornenst the Pope; ''and if 
 you '11 jist thry the full ov a .thimble 
 ov it, and it does n't rise the cockles 
 ov your Holiness 's heart, why then, 
 my name," says he, "is n't Tom 
 Maguire ! ' ' and with that he onts wid 
 the cork. 
 
 Well, the Pope at first was going to 
 get vexed at Father Tom for fetching 
 dhrink thataway in his pocket, as if 
 there was n 't lashins in the house : so 
 says he, ''Misther Maguire," says he, 
 "I'd have you to comprehind the 
 differ betuxt an inwitation to dinner 
 from the succissor of Saint Pether, 
 and from a common nagur of a 
 Prodesan squirean that maybe has n 't 
 8 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 liquor enough in his cupboard to wet 
 more nor his own heretical whistle. 
 That may be the way wid them that 
 you wisit in Leithrim, ' ' says he, ' ' and 
 in Roscommon ; and I 'd let you know 
 the differ in the prisint case," says 
 he, ''only that you 're a champion ov 
 the Church and entitled to laniency. 
 So," says he, ''as the liquor 's come, 
 let it sta}^ And, in troth, I 'm curl's 
 myself," says he, getting mighty soft 
 when he found the delightful smell ov 
 the putteen, "in inwestigating the 
 composition ov distilled liquors ; it 's 
 a branch ov natural philosophy, ' ' says 
 he, taking up the bottle and putting 
 it to his blessed nose. 
 
 Ah! my dear, the very first snuff 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 he got qv it, he cried out, the dear 
 man, "Blessed Vargin, but it has the 
 divine smell!" and crossed himself 
 and the bottle half a dozen times run- 
 ning. 
 
 ' ' Well, sure enough, it 's the blessed 
 liquor now, ' ' says his Eiv 'rence, ' ' and 
 so there can be no harm any way in 
 mixing a dandy of punch ; and, ' ' says 
 he, stirring up the materi'ls wid his 
 goolden meeddlar, — for everything at 
 the Pope's table, to the very shcrew 
 for drawing the corks, was ov vergin 
 goold, — ''if I might make boold," 
 says he, "to spake on so deep a subjic 
 afore your Holiness, I think it 'ud 
 eonsidherably whacilitate the inwesti- 
 gation ov its chemisthry and phwar- 
 10 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 maceutics, if you VI jist tliry the laste 
 sup in life ov it inwardly." 
 
 ''Well, then, suppose I do make the 
 same expiriment," says the Pope, in 
 a much more condescinding way nor 
 you 'd have expected, — and wid that 
 he mixes himself a real stiff facer. 
 
 ' ' Now, your Holiness, ' ' says Father 
 Tom, "this bein' the first time you 
 ever dispinsed them chymicals, " says 
 he, "I '11 jist make bould to lay doun 
 one rule ov orthography," says he 
 "for conwhounding them, secundum 
 mortem/' 
 
 "What 's that?" says the Pope. 
 
 "Put in the sperits first," says his 
 Riv'rence; "and then put in th*e 
 sugar, and remember, every dhrop ov 
 11 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 wather you put in after that, spoils 
 the punch." 
 
 ' ' Glory be to God ! ' ' says the Pope, 
 not minding a word Father Tom was 
 saying. ' ' Glory be to God ! ' ' says he, 
 smacking his lips. "1 never kncAvn 
 what dhrink was afore," says he. 
 *Tt bates the Lachrymachrj^stal out 
 ov the face ! ' ' says he, — ' ' it 's Necthar 
 itself, it is, so it is ! " says he, wiping 
 his epistolical mouth wid the cuff ov 
 his coat. 
 
 '' 'Pon my secret honor," saj's his 
 Riv'rence, 'T 'm raally glad to see 
 your Holiness set so much to your 
 satiswhaction ; especially," says he, 
 ''as, for fear ov accidents, I tuck the 
 liberty of fetching the fellow ov that 
 
 1!2 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 small vesshel, ' ' says he, ' ' in my other 
 coat-pocket. So devil a fear of our 
 running dhry till the but-end of the 
 evening, anyhow," says he. 
 
 "Dhraw your stool into the fire, 
 Misther Maguire," says the Pope, 
 *'for faix," says he, 'T 'm bent on 
 anilizing the metaphwysics ov this 
 phinomenon. Come, man alive, clear 
 off," says he, ^'you 're not dhrinking 
 at all." 
 
 ' ' Is it dhrink ! ' ' says his Riv 'rence ; 
 ''by Gorra, your Holiness," says he, 
 ' T 'd dhrink wid you till the cows 'ud 
 be coming home in the morning." 
 
 So Avid that they tackled to, to the 
 second fugil apiece, and fell into a 
 lamed discourse. 
 
 13 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 But it 's time for me now to be off to 
 the lecthir at the Boord. Oh, my sorra 
 light upon you, Docther Whately, 
 wid your plitical econimy and your 
 hydherastatics ! "What the divul use 
 has a poor hedge-masther like me wid 
 sich deep larning as is only fit for the 
 likes ov them two I left over their 
 second tumbler? Howandiver, wish- 
 ing I was like them, in regard ov the 
 sup ov dhrink, anyhow, I must brake 
 off my norration for the prisint ; but 
 when I see you again, I '11 tell you 
 how Father Tom made a hare ov the 
 Pope that evening, both in theology 
 and the cube root. 
 
 14 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 II 
 
 HOW FATHER TOM SACKED HIS HOLI- 
 NESS IN THEOLOGY AND LOGIC 
 
 TXT' ELL, the lecthir'sover, andl 'm 
 ^ ^ kilt out and out. My bitther 
 curse be upon the man that invinted 
 the same Boord ! I thought one 't I 'd 
 f adorned the say ov throuble; and 
 that was when I got through fractions 
 at ould ]\Iat Kavanagh's school in 
 Firdramore, — God be good to poor 
 Mat's sowl, though he did deny the 
 cause the day he suffered! but it 's 
 fluxions itself we 're set to bottom 
 now, sink or shwim! May I never 
 die if my head is n't as throughother 
 15 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 as anything, wid their ordinals and 
 cardinals, — and, begad, it 's all noth- 
 ing to the econimy lecthir that I have 
 to go to at two o'clock. Howandiver, 
 I mnst n 't forget that we left his Riv '- 
 rence and his Holiness sitting fornenst 
 one another in the parlor ov the Vati- 
 can, jist afther mixing their second 
 tumbler. 
 
 When they had got well down into 
 the same, they fell, as I was telling 
 you, into learned discourse. For you 
 see, the Pope was curious to find out 
 whether Father Tom was the great 
 theologinall that people said ; and says 
 he, "]\Iisther Maguire," says he, 
 ''w^hat answer do you make to the 
 heretics when they quote them pas- 
 16 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 sidges agin thransubstantiation out ov 
 the Fathers?" says he. 
 
 "Why," says his Eiv'rence, ''as 
 there is no sieh passidges I make my- 
 self mighty asy about them; but if 
 you want to know how I dispose ov 
 them," says he, ''just repate one ov 
 them, and I '11 show you how to 
 catapompherieate it in two shakes." 
 
 "Why then," says the Pope, "my- 
 self disremimbers the particlar pas- 
 sidges they allidge out ov them ould 
 felleys," says he, "though sure 
 enough they 're more numerous nor 
 edifying, — so we '11 jist suppose that 
 a heretic was to find such a saying as 
 this in Austin, 'Every sensible man 
 knows that thransubstantiation is a 
 
 a— Father Tom. 17 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 lie,' — or this out of Tertullian or 
 Plutarch, 'the bishop ov Kome is a 
 common imposther, ' — now tell me, 
 could you answer him?" 
 
 ''As asy as kiss," says his Riv'- 
 rence. ' ' In the first, we 're to under- 
 stand that the exprission, 'Every 
 sinsible man,' signifies simply, 'every 
 man that judges by his nath'ral 
 sinses ' ; and we all know that nobody 
 follying them seven deludhers could 
 ever find out the mysthery that 's in 
 it, if somebody did n't come in to his 
 assistance wid an eighth sinse, which 
 is the only sinse to be depended on, 
 being the sinse ov the Church. So 
 that, regarding the first quotation 
 which your Holiness has supposed, it 
 18 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 makes clane for us, and tee-totally 
 agin the heretics." 
 
 "That 's the explanation sure 
 enough," says his Holiness; "and 
 now what div you say to my being a 
 common impostherl" 
 
 * ' Faix, I think, ' ' says his Riv 'rence, 
 "wid all submission to the betther 
 judgment ov the learned Father that 
 your Holiness has quoted, he 'd have 
 been a thrifle nearer the thruth, if he 
 had said that the bishop ov Rome is 
 the grand imposther and top-sawyer 
 in that line over us all. " 
 
 "What do you mane?" says the 
 Pope, getting quite red in the face. 
 
 "What would I mane," says his 
 Riv'rence, as composed as a docther 
 19 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 ov physic, ''but that your Holiness is 
 at the head ov all them, — troth I had 
 a 'most forgot I was n't a bishop my- 
 self, ' ' says he, the deludher was going 
 to say, as the head of all uz, ' ' that has 
 the gift ov laying on hands. For 
 sure," says he, "imposther and im- 
 posithir is all one, so you 're only to 
 undherstand maniiiim, and the job is 
 done. Auvuich!" says he, "if any 
 heretic 'ud go for to cast up sich a 
 passidge as that agin me, I 'd soon 
 give him a p 'lite art ov cutting a stick 
 to welt his own back wid. " 
 
 " 'Pon my apostolical word," says 
 the Pope, "you 've cleared up them 
 two pints in a most satiswhactery 
 manner. ' ' 
 
 20 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 "You see," says his Riv'rence, — by 
 this time they wor mixing their third 
 tumbler, — "the writings of them 
 Fathers is to be thrated Avid great 
 veneration; and it 'ud be the heigh* 
 ov presumption in any one to sit down 
 to interpret them widout providing 
 himself wid a genteel assortment ov 
 the best figures of rhetoric, sich as 
 metton;^any, hyperbol, cattychraysis, 
 prolipsis, mettylipsis, superbaton, pol- 
 lysyndreton, hustheronprotheron, pro- 
 sodypeia and the like, in ordher that 
 he may never be at a loss for shuitable 
 sintiments when he comes to their 
 high-flown passidges. For unless we 
 thrate them Fathers liberally to a 
 handsome allowance ov thropes and 
 21 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 figures they 'd set up heresy at onc't, 
 so they would." 
 
 ' ' It 's thru for you, ' ' says the Pope ; 
 "the figures ov spache is the pillars 
 ov the Church." 
 
 ''Bedad," says his Riv'rence, "I 
 dunna what we 'd do widout them at 
 all." 
 
 ''Which one do you prefir?" says 
 the Pope ; ' ' that is, ' ' says he, ' ' which 
 figure of spache do you find most use- 
 fullest when you 're hard set?" 
 
 ' ' ^Metaphour 's very good, ' ' says his 
 Riv'rence, "and so 's mettonymy, — 
 and I 've known prosodypeia stand to 
 me at a pinch mighty well, — but for a 
 constancy, superbaton 's the figure for 
 my money. Devil be in me," says 
 22 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 he, ' ' but I 'd prove black white as fast 
 as a horse 'ud throt wid only a good 
 stick ov superbaton." 
 
 ''Faix, " says the Pope, wid a sly 
 look, ''you 'd need to have it backed, 
 I judge, wid a small piece of as- 
 surance.'* 
 
 "Well now, jist for that word," 
 says his Riv'rence, "I' 11 prove it 
 widout aither one or other. Black," 
 says he, "is one thing and white is 
 another thing. You don 't conthravene 
 that? But everything is aither one 
 thing or another thing; I defy the 
 Apostle Paul to get over that dilemma. 
 Well ! If anything be one thing, well 
 and good ; but if it be another thing, 
 then it 's plain it is n't both things, 
 23 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 and so can't be two things, — nobody 
 can deny that. But what can 't be two 
 things must be one thing, — Ergo, 
 whether it 's one thing or another 
 thing it 's all one. But black is one 
 thing and white is another thing, — 
 Ergo, black and white is all one. 
 Quod erat demonstUrandiim.'^ 
 
 "Stop a bit," says the Pope, ''I 
 can't althegither give in to your sec- 
 ond miner — no — your second major," 
 says he, and he stopped. "Faix, 
 then," says he, getting confused, "I 
 don't rightly remimber where it was 
 exactly that I thought I seen the flaw 
 in your premises. Howsomdiver, " 
 says he, "I don't deny that it 's a 
 good conclusion, and one that 'ud be 
 24 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 ov materi 1 service to the Church if it 
 was dhrawn wid a little more distinc- 
 tiveness. ' ' 
 
 "I '11 make it as plain as the nose on 
 your Holiness 's face, by superbaton," 
 says his Eiv'rence. ''^My adversary 
 saj^s, black is not another color, that 
 is, white? Now that's jist a parallel 
 passidge wid the one out ov Tartulion 
 that me and Hayes smashed the here- 
 tics on in Clarendon Sthreet. 'This 
 is my body, that is, the figure ov my 
 body.' That 's a superbaton, and we 
 showed that it ought n't to be read 
 that way at all but this way, 'This 
 figure of my body is my body.' Jist 
 so wid my adversary's proposition, it 
 must n't be undherstood the way it 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 reads, by no manner of manes; but 
 it 's to be taken this way, — 'Black, 
 that is, white, is not another color, — 
 green, if you like, or orange, by dad, 
 for anything I care, for my case is 
 proved. 'Black, that is, white,' lave 
 out the 'that' by sinnalayphy, and 
 you have the orthodox conclusion, 
 'Black is white,' or, by convarsion, 
 'White is black.' " 
 
 "It 's as clear as mud," says the 
 Pope. 
 
 "Bedad," says his Eiv'rence, "I 'm 
 in great humor for disputin' to-night. 
 I wisht your Holiness was a heretic 
 jist for two minutes," says he, "till 
 you 'd see the flaking I 'd give you ! ' ' 
 
 ' ' "Well, then, for the fun o ' the thing 
 26 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 suppose me my namesake, if you like, " 
 says the Pope, laug-hing', "though, by 
 Jayminy," says he, "he 's not one 
 that I take much pride out ov. ' ' 
 
 "Very good, — devil a betther joke 
 ever I had," says his Riv'rence. 
 "Come, then, Misther Pope," says 
 he, "hould up that purty face ov 
 yours, and answer me this question: 
 "Which 'ud be the biggest lie, — if I 
 said I seen a turkey-cock lying on the 
 broad ov his back, and picking the 
 stars out ov the sky, or if I was to say 
 that I seen a gandher in the same 
 intherrestin ' posture, raycreating him- 
 self wid similar asthronomical experi- 
 ments? Answer me that, you ould 
 swaddler!" says he. 
 27 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 ' ' How durst you call me a swaddler, 
 sir?'' says the Pope, forgetting, the 
 dear man, the part that he was acting. 
 
 ' ' Don 't think to bully me ! ' ' says 
 his Riv'rence. "I always daar to 
 spake the truth, and it 's well knoY\'n 
 that you 're nothing but a swaddling 
 ould sent ov a saint," says he, never 
 letting on to persave that his Holiness 
 had forgot what they were agreed on. 
 
 "By all that 's good!" says the 
 Pope, ' ' I often hard ov the imperance 
 of you Irish afore," says he, "but I 
 never expected to be called a saint in 
 my OAvn house, either by Irishman or 
 Hottentot. I '11 till you what, Misther 
 Maguire, ' ' says he, ' ' if you can 't keep 
 a civil tongue in yoiiv head, you had 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 betther be walking off wid yourself; 
 for I beg lave to give you to undher- 
 stand that it won 't be for the good ov 
 your health if you call me by sich an 
 outprobrious epithet again," says 
 he. 
 
 "Oh, indeed! then things is come 
 to a purty pass," says his Riv'rence 
 (the dear funny soul that he ever 
 was!), ^Avhen the lik ov you com- 
 pares one ov the Maguires ov Tempo 
 wid a wild Ingine ! Why, man alive, 
 the Maguires was kings ov Fermanagh 
 three thousand years afore your 
 grandfather, that was the first ov your 
 breed that ever wore shoes and stock- 
 ings" (I 'm bound to say, in justice 
 to the poor Prodesan, that this was all 
 29 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 spoken by his Riv'rence by way of a 
 figure of spache), "was sint his 
 Majesty's arrand to cultivate the 
 friendship of Prince Lee Boo in 
 Botteney Bay ! Bryan dear, ' ' says 
 he, letting on to cry, ''if you were 
 alive to hear a hoddagh Sassenagh 
 like this casting up his counthry to 
 me ov the name ov Maguire!" 
 
 ''In the name ov God," says the 
 Pope, very solemniously , ' ' what is the 
 maning ov all this at all, at all?'* 
 says he. 
 
 "Sure," says his Riv'rence, whis- 
 pering to him across the table, — ' ' sure, 
 you know we 're acting a conthra- 
 warsy, and you tuck the part ov the 
 Prodesan champion. You would n't 
 30 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 be angry wid me, I 'm sure, for sarv- 
 ing out the heretic to the best ov my 
 ability." 
 
 ' ' Oh, begad, I had forgot, ' ' says the 
 Pope, the good-natured ould crethur; 
 *'sure enough, you were only taking 
 your part as a good Milesian Catholic 
 ought agin the heretic Sassenagh, 
 Well," says he, ''fire away now, and 
 I '11 put up wid as many conthrover- 
 sial compliments as you plase to pay 
 me." 
 
 ''Well, then, answer me my ques- 
 tion, you santimonious ould dandy," 
 says his Kiv'rence. 
 
 ' ' In troth, then, ' ' says the Pope, ' ' I 
 dunna which 'ud be the biggest lie ; to 
 my mind," says he, "the one appears 
 31 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 to be about as big a bounce as the 
 other." 
 
 "Why, then, you poor simpleton," 
 says his Riv 'rence, ' ' don 't you persave 
 that forbye the advantage the gandher 
 'ud have in the length ov his neck, it 
 'ud be next to empossible for the 
 turkey-cock lying thataway to see 
 vrhat he was about, by rason ov his 
 djollars and other accouthrements 
 hanging back over his eyes ? The one 
 about as big a bounce as the other! 
 Oh, you misf ortunate crethur ! if you 
 had ever larnecl your A B C in the- 
 ology, you 'cl have known that there 's 
 a differ betuxt them two lies so great, 
 that, begad, I would n 't wondher if it 
 'ud make a balance ov five years in 
 
 32 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 purgathory to the sowl that 'ud be in 
 it. Ay, and if it was n't that the 
 Church is too liberal entirely, so she 
 is, it 'ud cost his heirs and succissors 
 betther nor ten pounds to have him 
 out as soon as the other. Get along, 
 man, and take half a year at dogmati- 
 cal theology : go and read your Dens, 
 you poor dunce, you ! ' ' 
 
 "Raaly, " says the Pope, ''you 're 
 making the heretic shoes too hot to 
 hould me. I wondher how the Prode- 
 sans can stand afore you at all." 
 
 "Don't think to delude me," says 
 his Riv'rence, "don't think to back 
 out ov your challenge now," says he, 
 "but come to the scratch like a man, 
 if 3^ou are a man, and answer me my 
 
 3 — Father Tom. ^i<J 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 question : What 's the rason, now, 
 that Julius Caesar and the Vargin 
 Mary was born upon the one day, — 
 answer me that, if you would n't be 
 hissed off the platform?" 
 
 Well, my dear, the Pope could n't 
 answer it, and he had to acknowledge 
 himself sacked. Then he axed his 
 Riv'rence to tell him the rason him- 
 self; and Father Tom communicated 
 it to him in Latin. But as that is a 
 very deep question, I never hard 
 what the answer was, except that I 'm 
 tould it was so mysterious, it made 
 the Pope's hair stand on end. But 
 there 's two o'clock, and I '11 be late 
 for the lecthir. 
 
 34 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 III 
 
 HOW FATHER TOM MADE A HARE OF 
 HIS HOLINESS IN LATIN 
 
 r\ DOCTHER WHATELY, Doc- 
 ^^ tlier AYhately, I 'm sure I '11 
 never die another death, if I don 't die 
 aither ov consumption or production ! 
 I ever and alwaj's thought that as- 
 thronomy was the hardest science that 
 was till now, — and, it 's no lie I' m 
 telling you, the same asthronomy is a 
 tough enough morsel to brake a man 's 
 fast upon, — and geolidgy is middling 
 and hard too, — and hydherastatics is 
 no joke, — but ov all the books ov sci- 
 ence that ever was opened and shut, 
 35 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 that book upon P 'litical Econimy lifts 
 the pins ! Well, well, if they wait till 
 they persuade me that taking a man 's 
 rints out ov the counthry, and spind- 
 ing them in forrain parts is n't doing 
 us out ov the same, they '11 wait a long 
 time in truth. But you 're waiting, I 
 see, to hear how his Riv'rence and his 
 Holiness got on after finishing the dis- 
 putation I was telling you of. Well, 
 you see, my dear, w^hen the Pope 
 found he could n't hould a candle to 
 Father Tom in theology and logic, he 
 thought he 'd take the shine out ov 
 him in Latin anyhow: so says he, 
 * ' Misther Maguire, ' ' says he, ' ' I quite 
 agree wid you that it 's not lucky for 
 us to be spaking on them deep sub- 
 36 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 jects in sicli langidges as the evil 
 spirits is acquainted wid ; and, ' ' says 
 he, "I think it 'iid be no harm for us 
 to spake from this out in Latin, ' ' says 
 he, ''for fraid the devil 'ud undher- 
 stand what we are saying. ' ' 
 
 "Not a hair I care," says Father 
 Tom, "whether they undherstand 
 what we 're saying or not, as long as 
 we keep off that last pint we wer dis- 
 cussing, and one or two others. List- 
 ners never hear good ov themselves,'* 
 says he, "and if Belzhebub takes any- 
 thing amiss that aither you or me says 
 in regard ov himself or his faction, let 
 him stand forrid like a man, and 
 never fear, I '11 give him his answer. 
 Howandiver, if it 's for a taste ov 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 classic conwersation you are, jist to 
 put lis in mind ov ould Cordarius," 
 says he, "here 's at you." And wid 
 that he lets fly at his Holiness wid 
 his health in Latin. 
 
 "Vesthra3 Sanctitatis salutem volo, " 
 says he. 
 
 ' ' VesthraB Revirintia? salutritati 
 bibo, " says the Pope to him again 
 (faith, it 's no joke, I tell you, to re- 
 mimber sich a poAver ov larning). 
 "Here 's to you wid the same," says 
 the Pope, in the raal Ciceronian. 
 "Nunc poculum alterhum imple," 
 says he. 
 
 "Cum omni jueunditate in vita," 
 says his Riv'rence. "Cum summa 
 concupiscintia et animositate, " says 
 38 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 he, as much as to say, ''Wid all the 
 veins ov my heart, I '11 do that same, ' ' 
 — and so wid that they mix'd their 
 fourth gun apiece. 
 
 "Aqua vitoe vesthra sane est liquor 
 admirabilis, " says the Pope. 
 
 ''Verum est pro te, — it's thrue for 
 you," — says his Riv'rence, forgetting 
 the idyim ov the Latin phwraseology 
 in a manner. 
 
 ''Prava est tua Latinitas, domine," 
 says the Pope, finding fault like wid 
 his etymology. 
 
 "Parva culpa mihi, " "small blame 
 to me, that 's, " says his Riv'rence, 
 "nam multum laboro in partibus in- 
 terioribus, ' ' says he — the dear man ! 
 that never was at a loss for an excuse ! 
 
 39 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 ''Quid tibi incommodi ? " says the 
 Pope, axing him what ailed him. 
 
 ' ' Habesne id quod Anglice vocamus 
 a looking-glass?" says his Riv'renee. 
 
 "Immo, habeo speculum splendi- 
 dissimum subther operculum pyxidis 
 hujus starnutatoria?, " says the Pope, 
 pulling out a beautiful goold snuff-box, 
 wid a looking-glass in undher the lid 
 — ''Subther operculum pyxidis hujus 
 starnutatorii — no — starnutatori^ — 
 quam dono accepi ab Arch-duce Aus- 
 thriaco siptuagisima pra^therita, ' ' says 
 he, — as much as to say that he got the 
 box in a prisint from the Queen ov 
 Spain last Lint, if I rightly remimber. 
 
 Well, Father Tom laughed like to 
 burst. At last, says he, "Father 
 40 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 Sancte, " says he, ^'sub error e jaces. 
 'Looking-glass ' apucl nos habet sig- 
 nificationem quamdam peculiarem ex 
 tempore diei dependentem, ' ' — there 
 was a sthring ov accusatives for yez! 
 — "nam mane specukmi sonat, " says 
 he, "post prandinm vero mat — mat — • 
 mat ' ' — sorra be in me but I disremim- 
 ber the classic appellivation ov the 
 same article. Howandiver, his RivV 
 rence went on explaining himself in 
 such a way as no scholar could mis- 
 take. ' ' Vesica mea, ' ' says he, ' ^ ab illo 
 ultimo eversore distenditur, donee 
 similis est rumpere. Verbis apertis,'* 
 says he, "Vesthr^e Sanctitatis prse- 
 sentia salvata, aquam facere valde 
 desidhero. ' ' 
 
 41 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 ' ' Ho, ho, ho ! " says the Pope, grab- 
 bing up his box, ''si inquinavisses 
 meam pyxidem, excimnicari debuisses 
 — Hillo, Anthony," says he to his 
 head butler, ''fetch Misther Maguire 
 
 ' ' You spoke first ! ' ' says his Riv '- 
 rence, jumping off his sate, — "you 
 spoke first in the vernacular! I take 
 Misther Anthony to witness," says 
 he. 
 
 "What else would you have me to 
 do?" says the Pope, quite dogged 
 like to see himself bate thataway at 
 his own waypons. "Sure," saj^s he, 
 ' ' Anthony would n 't undherstand a B 
 from a bull's foot, if I spoke to him 
 any other way. ' ' 
 
 42 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 ''Well, then," says his Riv'rence, 
 "in considheration ov the needces- 
 sity," says he, "I '11 let you off for 
 this time ! but mind now, afther I say 
 prcestlio, the first ov us that spakes 
 a word ov English is the hare — 
 prcestlio!'^ 
 
 Neither ov them spoke for near a 
 minit, considering wid themselves 
 how they were to begin sich a great 
 thrial ov shkill. At last, saj^s the 
 Pope, — the blessed man, only think 
 how 'cute it was ov him ! — ' ' Domine 
 Maguire, " says he, "valde desidhero, 
 certiorem fieri de significatione istius 
 verbi cversor quo jam jam usus es" — 
 (well, surely I am the boy for the 
 Latin!) 
 
 43 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 ^^Eversor, id est Cyathus, " says his 
 Riv'rence, ''nam apud nos tiimhleri 
 seu eversores, dicti sunt ab evertendo 
 ceremoniam inter amicos; non, nt 
 Temperantiae Societatis frigidis fau- 
 toribns placet, ab evertendis ipsis po- 
 tatoribus. " (It 's not every masther 
 undher the Boord, I tell you, could 
 carry sich a car-load ov the dead lan- 
 gidges.) ''In agro vero Louthiano et 
 Midensi," says he, "nomine gaudent 
 quodam secundum linguam Anglica- 
 nam significante bombardam seu tor- 
 mentum ; quia ex eis tanquam ex telis 
 jaculatoriis liquorem f acibus immittere 
 solent. Etiam inter haereticos illos 
 melanostomos " (that was a touch ov 
 Greek) " Presbyterianos Septentrio- 
 44 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 nales, qui sunt terribiles potatores, 
 Cyathi dicti sunt faceres, et dimidium 
 Cyathi hcef-a-glessus. Dimidium Cya- 
 thi vero apud IMetropolitanos Hiberni- 
 cos dicitur dandy.'' 
 
 ''En verbum Anglicanum!" says 
 the Pope, clapping his hands, — "lepo- 
 rem te f ecisti " ; as much as to say that 
 he had made a hare of himself. 
 
 ^'DandmuSy dandceiis verbum erat," 
 says his Riv 'rence, — oh, the dear man, 
 but it 's himself that was handy ever 
 and always at getting out ov a hobble, 
 — ^^ dandceiis verbum erat,'* says he, 
 ' ' quod dicturus eram, cum me inther- 
 pillavisti." 
 
 "Ast ego dico," says the Pope very 
 sharp, "quod verbum erat dandy." 
 45 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 *'Per tibicinem qui coram Mose 
 modulatus est," says his E/iv'rence, 
 "id flagellat mundum ! Dandceus dixi, 
 et tu dicis dandy ; ergo tu es lepus, 
 non ego — Ah, ha ! Saccavi vesthram 
 Sanctitatem ! ' ' 
 
 ''Mendaciiim est!" says the Pope, 
 quite forgetting himself, he was so 
 mad at being sacked before the sarv- 
 ints. 
 
 Well, if it had n't been that his 
 Holiness Avas in it. Father Tom 'ud 
 have given him the contints of his 
 tumbler betuxt the two eyes, for call- 
 ing him a liar ; and, in troth, it 's very 
 well it was in Latin the offince was 
 conweyed, for, if it had been in the 
 vernacular, there 's no saying what 
 46 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 'ud ha' been the consequence. His 
 Kiv'rence was mighty angry anyhow. 
 * ' Tu senex lathro, ' ' says he, ' ' quomodo 
 audes me mendacem pragdicare 1 ' ' 
 
 * ' Et, tu, sacrilege nebulo, ' ' says the 
 Pope, *' quomodo audacitatem habeas, 
 me Dei in terris vicarium, lathronem 
 conwiciari 1 ' ' 
 
 "Interroga circumcirca, " says his 
 Kiv'rence. 
 
 *'Abi ex sedibus meis," ssljs the 
 Pope. 
 
 *'Abi tu in malam crucem," says 
 his Riv'rence. 
 
 "Excimnicabo te," says the Pope. 
 
 **Diabolus curat," says his Kiv'- 
 rence. 
 
 *' Anathema sis," says the Pope. 
 47 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 "Osciila meum pod — '' says his 
 Riv'rence — but, my dear, afore he 
 could finish what he was going to say, 
 the Pope broke out into the vernacu- 
 lar, ' ' Get out o ' my house, you repro- 
 bate ! ' ' says he, in sieh a rage that he 
 could contain himself widin the Latin 
 no longer. 
 
 ' ' Ha, ha, ha ! — ho, ho, ho ! " says 
 his Riv'rence. ''Who 's the hare 
 now, your Holiness ? Oh, by this and 
 b}^ that, I ' ve sacked you clane ! Clane 
 and clever I 've done it, and no mis- 
 take ! You see what a bit of desate 
 will do wid the wisest, your Holiness, 
 — sure it was joking I was, on purpose 
 to aggravate you, — all 's fair, you 
 know, in love, law, and conthravarsy. 
 48 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 In troth if I 'd thought you 'd have 
 taken it so much to heart, I 'd have 
 put my head into the fire afore I 'd 
 have said a word to offend you, ' ' says 
 he, for he seen that the Pope was 
 very vexed. "Sure, God forbid, that 
 I 'd say anything agin your Holiness, 
 barring it was in fun : for are n 't you 
 the father ov the faithful, and the 
 thrue vicar ov God upon earth 1 And 
 are n't I ready to go down on my 
 two knees this blessed minit and beg 
 your apostolical pardon for every 
 word that I said to your displase- 
 ment?" 
 
 ' ' Are you in arnest that it is in fun 
 you wer?" says the Pope. 
 
 ' ' May I never die if I are n 't, " says 
 
 4— Father Tom. 49 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 his Riv'rence. ''It was all to provoke 
 your Holiness to commit a brache ov 
 the Latin, that I tuck the small liber- 
 ties I did, ' ' says he. 
 
 "I 'd have you to take care," says 
 the Pope, "how you take sich small 
 liberties again, or maybe you '11 pro- 
 voke me to commit a brache ov the 
 pace." 
 
 ''Well, and if I did," says his Riv'- 
 rence, 'T know a sartain preparation 
 ov chymicals that 's very good for 
 curing a brache either in Latinity or 
 friendship." 
 
 ''What 's that?" says the Pope, 
 
 quite mollified, and sitting down again 
 
 at the table that he had ris from in the 
 
 first pluff of his indignation. ' ' What ' s 
 
 50 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 that?'' says he, ''for 'pon my epis- 
 tolical 'davy, I think it 'ud n 't be asy 
 to bate this miraculous mixthir that 
 we 've been thrying to anilize this two 
 hours back," says he, taking a mighty 
 scientifical swig out ov the bottom ov 
 his tumbler. 
 
 ''It 's good for a beginning," says 
 his Riv'rence; "it lays a very nate 
 foundation for more sarious opera- 
 tion : but we 're now arrived at a 
 pariod ov the evening when it 's time 
 to proceed wid our shuperstructure by 
 compass and square, like free and 
 excipted masons as we both are." 
 
 My time 's up for the prisint ; but 
 I '11 tell you the rest in the evening at 
 home. 
 
 51 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 IV 
 
 HOW FATHER TOM AND HIS HOLINESS 
 
 DISPUTED AT METAPHYSICS 
 
 AND ALGEBRA 
 
 /^^ OD be wid the time when I went 
 ^^ to the classical seminary ov Fir- 
 dramore ! when I 'd bring my sod o ' 
 turf undher my arm, and sit down on 
 my shnng boss o' straw, wid my back 
 to the masther and my shins to the 
 fire, and score my sum in Dives's de- 
 nominations ov the double rule o' 
 three, or play fox and geese wid purty 
 Jane Cruise that sat next me, as plis- 
 antly as the day was long, widout any 
 52 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 one so much as saying, ' ' Mikey Heffer- 
 nan, what 's that you 're about?" — • 
 for ever since I was in the one lodge 
 wid poor ould Mat I had my own way 
 in his school as free as ever I had in 
 my mother's shebeen. 
 
 God be wid them days, I say again, 
 for it 's althered times wid me, I 
 judge, since I got undher Carlisle 
 and Whately. Sich sthrictness! sich 
 ordher ! sich dhrilling, and lecthiring, 
 and tuthoring as they do get on wid! 
 I wisht to gracious the one half ov 
 their rules and regilations was sunk 
 in the say. And they're getting so 
 sthrict too about having fair play for 
 the heretic childer! We 're to have 
 no more schools in the chapels, nor 
 53 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 masses in the schools. Oh, by this and 
 by that, it '11 never do at all ! 
 
 The onld plan was twenty times 
 betther: and, for my own part, if it 
 was n't that the clargy supports them 
 in a manner, and the grant 's a thing 
 not easily done widout these hard 
 times, I 'd see if I could n't get a shel- 
 tered spot nigh hand the chapel, and 
 set up again on the good ould princi- 
 ple : and f aix, I think our metropolitan 
 'ud stand to me, for I know that his 
 Grace's motto was ever and always 
 that "Ignorance is the thrue mother 
 ov piety. ' ' 
 
 But I 'm running away from my 
 narrative entirely, so I am. "You '11 
 plase to ordher up the housekeeper, 
 54 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 then/' says Father Tom to the Pope, 
 ' ' wid a pint ov sweet milk in a skillet, 
 and the bulk ov her fist ov butther, 
 along wid a dust of soft sugar in a 
 saucer, and I '11 show 3^ou the way of 
 producing a decoction that, I '11 be 
 bound, will hunt the thirst out ov 
 every nook and corner in your Holi- 
 ness 's blessed carcidge." 
 
 The Pope ordhered up the ingre- 
 dients, and they were brought in by 
 the head butler. 
 
 "That '11 not do at all," says his 
 Riv'rence, "the ingredients won't 
 combine in due proportion unless ye 
 do as I bid yes. Send up the house- 
 keeper, ' ' says he, ' ' for a f aymale hand 
 is ondispinsably necessary to produce 
 55 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 the adaption of the particles and the 
 concurrence of the corpuscles, Avidout 
 which you might boil till morning and 
 never fetch the cruds off ov it. ' ' 
 
 Well, the Pope whispered to his 
 head butler, and by and by up there 
 comes an ould faggot ov a Cuillean, 
 that was enough to frighten a horse 
 from his oats. 
 
 "Do n't thry for to desave me,'* 
 says his Riv 'rence, ' ' for it 's no use, I 
 tell yes. Send up the housekeeper, I 
 bid yes : I seen her presarving goose- 
 berries in the panthry as I came up: 
 she has eyes as black as a sloe," says 
 he, ' ' and cheeks like the rose in June ; 
 antl sorra taste ov this celestial mixthir 
 shall crass the lips ov man or morteal 
 56 
 
Father Tom and die Pop^e 
 
 this blessed ni<i'ht till she stirs the same 
 up wid her own delicate little finger. ' ' 
 
 "Misther Maguire," says the Pope, 
 *'it 's very unproper ov you to spake 
 that way ov my housekeeper : I won 't 
 allow it, sir." 
 
 ''Honor bright, your Holiness," 
 says his Riv'rence, laying his hand on 
 his heart. 
 
 ''Oh, by this and by that, Misther 
 ]\Iaguire, " says the Pope, "I '11 have 
 none of your insinivations ; I don 't 
 care who sees my whole household," 
 says he ; "I don 't care if all the fay- 
 males undher my roof was paraded 
 doAvn the High Street of Room," 
 says he. 
 
 "Oh, it 's plain to be seen how 
 57 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 little you care who sees them," says 
 his Riv'rence. ''You're afeard, now, 
 if I was to see your housekeeper, that 
 I 'd say she Avas too handsome. ' ' 
 
 "No, I 'm not!" says the Pope, 
 'T don't care who sees her," says he. 
 "Anthony," says he to the head but- 
 ler, "bid Eliza throw her apron over 
 her head, and come up here. ' ' Was n't 
 that stout in the blessed man ? Well, 
 my dear, up she came, stepping like a 
 three-year-old, and blushing like the 
 brake o' day: for though her apron 
 was thrown over her head as she came 
 f orrid, till you could barely see the tip 
 ov her chin, — more be token there was 
 a lovely dimple in it, as I 've been 
 tould, — yet she let it shlip a bit to one 
 58 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 side, by chance like, jist as she got 
 fornenst the fire, and if she would n't 
 have given his Riv'rence a shot if he 
 had n 't been a priest, it 's no matther. 
 
 "Now, my dear," says he, "you 
 must take that skillet, and hould it 
 over the fire till the milk comes to a 
 blood hate ; and the way you '11 know 
 that will be by stirring it onc't or 
 twice wid the little finger ov your 
 right hand, afore you put in the 
 butther: not that I misdoubt," says 
 he, ' ' but that the same finger 's fairer 
 nor the whitest milk that ever came 
 from the tit." 
 
 "None of your deludhering talk to 
 the young woman, sir ! " says the Pope, 
 mighty stern. "Stir the posset as he 
 59 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 bids you, Eliza, and then be off wid 
 yourself," says he. 
 
 'T beg your Holiness 's pardon ten 
 thousand times," says his Riv'rence, 
 " I 'm sure I meant nothing onp roper ; 
 I hope I 'm uncapable ov any sich 
 dirilection of my duty," says he. 
 "But, marciful Saver!" he cried out, 
 jumping up on a suddent, ''look be- 
 hind you, your Holiness, — I 'm blest 
 but the room 's on fire ! ' ' 
 
 Sure enough the candle fell down 
 that minit, and was near setting fire 
 to the windy-curtains, and there was 
 some bustle, as you may suppose, get- 
 ting things put to rights. And now I 
 have to tell you ov a really onpleas- 
 ant occurrence. If I was a Prodesan 
 60 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 that was in it, I 'd say that while the 
 Pope's back was turned, Father Tom 
 made free wid the two lips of Miss 
 Eliza ; but, upon my conscience, I be- 
 lieve it was a mere mistake that his 
 Holiness fell into on account of his 
 being an ould man and not having 
 aither his eyesight or his hearing very 
 parfect. At any rate, it can't be de- 
 nied but that he had a sthrong impris- 
 sion that sich was the case ; for he 
 wheeled about as quick as thought, 
 jist as his Riv'rence was sitting down, 
 and charged him wid the offince plain 
 and plump. ' Ts it kissing my house- 
 keeper before my face you are, you 
 villain!" says he. ''Go down out o' 
 this, ' ' says he, to Miss Eliza, ' ' and do 
 61 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 yon be packing off wid you, ' ' he says 
 to Father Tom, "for it 's not safe, so 
 it is n't, to have the likes ov yon in 
 a honse where there 's temptation in 
 your way." 
 
 'Ts it me?" says his Riv'rence; 
 "why, what would your Holiness be 
 at, at all? Sure I was n't doing no 
 sich thing." 
 
 ' ' Would you have me doubt the evi- 
 dence ov my sinses?" says the Pope; 
 "would you have me doubt the testi- 
 mony of my eyes and ears?" says 
 he. 
 
 ' ' Indeed I would so, ' ' says his Riv '- 
 rence, "if they pretend to have in- 
 formed your Holiness ov any sich 
 foolishness. ' ' 
 
 62 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 ' ' Why, ' ' says the Pope, ' T 've seen 
 you afther kissmg Eliza as plain as I 
 see the nose on your face ; I heard the 
 smack you e^ave her as plain as ever I 
 heard thundher. " 
 
 "And how do you know whether 
 you see the nose on my face or not ? ' ' 
 says his Eiv'rence, "and how do you 
 know whether what you thought was 
 thundher, was thundher at all ? Them 
 operations on the sinses, " says he, 
 "comprises only particular corporal 
 emotions, connected wid sartain con- 
 fused perciptions called sinsations, 
 and is n't to be depended upon at all. 
 If we were to follow them blind guides 
 we might jist as well turn heretics at 
 onc't. 'Pon my secret word, your 
 63 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 Holiness, it 's neither charitable nor 
 orthodox ov you to set up the testi- 
 mony ov your eyes and ears agin the 
 charaether ov a clergyman. And now, 
 see how aisy it is to explain all them 
 phwenomena that perplexed you. I 
 ris and went over beside the young 
 woman because the skillet was boiling 
 over, to help her to save the dhrop ov 
 liquor that was in it; and as for the 
 noise j^ou heard, my dear man, it 
 was neither more nor less nor myself 
 dhrawing the cork out ov this blissid 
 bottle." 
 
 "Don't offer to thrape that upon 
 me!" says the Pope; "here 's the 
 cork in the bottle still, as tight as a 
 wedge. ' ' 
 
 64 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 ''I beg your pardon," says his Riv'- 
 renee, ''that 's not the cork at all," 
 says he; ''I dhrew the cork a good 
 two minits ago, and it 's very purtily 
 spitted on the end ov this blessed cork- 
 slicrew at this prisint moment; how- 
 andiver, you can't see it, because it 's 
 only its real prisince that 's in it. But, 
 that appearance that you call a cork, ' ' 
 says he, ''is nothing but the outward 
 spacies and external qualities of the 
 cortical nathur. Them 's nothing but 
 the accidents of the cork that you 're 
 looking at and handling; but, as I 
 tould you afore, the real cork's dhrew 
 and is here prisint on the end ov this 
 nate little insthrument, and it was 
 the noise I made in dhrawing it, and 
 
 5— Father Tom. 65 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 nothing else, that you mistook for the 
 sound ov the pogue." 
 
 You know there was no eonthra- 
 vening' what he said; and the Pope 
 could n 't openly deny it. Howandiver, 
 he thried to pick a hole in it this way. 
 ''Granting," says he, "that there is 
 the differ you say betwixt the reality 
 ov the cork and these cortical acci- 
 dents ; and that it 's quite possible, as 
 you allidge, that the thrue cork is 
 really prisint on the end ov the shcrew, 
 while the accidents keep the mouth ov 
 the bottle stopped — still, ' ' says hQ, "I 
 can't undherstand, though willing to 
 acquit you, how the dhrawing ov the 
 real cork, that 's onpalpable and wid- 
 out accidents, could produce the acci- 
 66 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 dent of that sinsible explosion I heard 
 jist now." 
 
 "All I can say," says his Riv'rence, 
 "is that it was a rale accident, any- 
 
 hOAV." 
 
 ' ' Ay, ' ' says the Pope, ' ' the kiss you 
 gev Eliza, you mane." 
 
 "Xo, " says his Riv'rence, "but the 
 report I made." 
 
 ' ' I don 't doubt you, ' ' says the Pope. 
 
 "No cork could be dhrew with less 
 noise," says his Riv'rence. 
 
 "It would be hard for anything to 
 be less nor nothino;, barring algebra, ' ' 
 says the Pope. 
 
 "I can prove to the conthrary," 
 says his Riv'rence. "This glass ov 
 whiskey is less nor that tumbler ov 
 67 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 punch, and that tumbler ov punch is 
 nothing to this jug ov scaltheen." 
 
 ''Do you judge by superficial mis- 
 ure or by the liquid contents?" says 
 the Pope. 
 
 "Don't stop me, betwixt my prem- 
 ises and my conclusion," says his 
 Riv'rence: "Ergo, this glass ov 
 whiskey is less nor nothing; and for 
 that raison I see no harm in life in 
 adding it to the contents ov the same 
 jug, just by way ov a frost-nail." 
 
 ' ' Adding what 's less nor nothing, ' ' 
 says the Pope, "is subtraction accord- 
 ing to algebra, so here goes to make 
 the rule good," says he, filling his 
 tumbler wid the blessed stuff, and sit- 
 ting down again at the table, for the 
 68 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 anger did n't stay two minits on him, 
 the good-hearted ould sowl. 
 
 "Two minuses make one plus," 
 says his Riv'rence, as ready as you 
 plase, * ' and that '11 account for the in- 
 creased daycrement I mane to take the 
 liberty of producing- in the same mix'd 
 quantity," says he, follying his Holi- 
 ness 's epistolical example. 
 
 ''By all that 's good," says the 
 Pope, ''that 's the best stuff I ever 
 tasted; you call it a mix'd quantity, 
 but I say it 's prime." 
 
 "Since it 's ov the first orclher, 
 then," says his Riv'rence, "we '11 
 have the less deffeequilty in reducing 
 it to a simple equation." 
 
 "You '11 have no fractions at my 
 69 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 side anyhow," says the Pope. "Faix, 
 I 'm af eared, ' ' says he, "it 's only too 
 aisy ov solution our sum is like to be. ' ' 
 
 ''Never fear for that," says his 
 Riv'rence, 'T 've a good stick ov 
 surds here in the bottle ; for I tell you 
 it will take us a long time to exthract 
 the root ov it, at the rate we 're going 
 on." 
 
 "What makes you call the blessed 
 quart an irrational quantity?" says 
 the Pope. 
 
 ' ' Because it 's too much for one and 
 too little for two, ' ' says his Riv 'rence. 
 
 "Clear it ov its coefficient, and 
 we '11 thry, ' ' says the Pope. 
 
 ' ' Hand me over the exponent then, ' ^ 
 says his Riv'rence. 
 70 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 ''What 's that?" says the Pope. 
 
 ''The shcrew, to be sure," says his 
 Riv'reiiee. 
 
 "What for?" says the Pope. 
 
 '*To dhraw the cork," says his 
 Riv'rence. 
 
 ' ' Sure, the cork 's dhrew, ' ' says the 
 Pope. 
 
 ''But the sperits can't get out on 
 account ov the accidents that 's stuck 
 in the neck ov the bottle," says his 
 Riv'rence. 
 
 ''Accident ought to be passable to 
 sperit, " says the Pope, "and that 
 makes me suspect that the reality ov 
 the cork 's in it af ther all. ' ' 
 
 "That 's a barony-masia, " says his 
 Riv'rence, "and I 'm not bound to 
 71 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 answer it. But the fact is, that it 's 
 the accidents ov the sperits too that 's 
 in it, and the reality 's passed out 
 through the cortical spacies, as you 
 say; for, you may have observed, 
 we 've both been in real good sperits 
 ever since the cork was dhrawn, and 
 where else would the real sperits come 
 from if they would n't come out ov 
 the bottle?" 
 
 "Well, then," says the Pope, ''since 
 we 've got the reality, there 's no use 
 throubling ourselves wid the acci- 
 dents." 
 
 "Oh, begad," says his Riv'rence, 
 
 "the accidents is very essential too; 
 
 for a man may be in the best ov good 
 
 sperits, as far as his immaterial part 
 
 72 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 goes, and yet need the accidental 
 quahties ov good Hquor to hunt the 
 sinsible thirst out ov him." So he 
 dhraws the cork in earnest, and sets 
 about brewing the other skillet ov 
 scaltheen; but, faix, he had to get up 
 the ingradients this time by tbe hands 
 ov ould Moley; though devil a taste 
 ov her little finger he 'd let widin a 
 yard ov the same eoction. 
 
 But, my dear, here 's the Freeman's 
 Journal, and we '11 see what 's the 
 news afore we finish the residuary 
 proceedings of their two Holinesses. 
 
 73 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 THE REASON WHY FATHER TOM WAS 
 NOT MADE A CARDINAL 
 
 TTURROO, my darlings !— did n't I 
 
 tell you it 'ud never do ? Suc- 
 cess to bould John Tuam and the ould 
 siminary ov Firdramore ! Oh, more 
 power to your Grace every day you 
 rise, 't is you that has broken their 
 Boorcl into shivers undher your feet ! 
 Sure, and is n 't it a proud day for Ire- 
 land, this blessed feast ov the chair ov 
 Saint Pether? Is n't Carlisle and 
 Whately smashed to pieces, and their 
 whole college of swaddling teachers 
 knocked into smidhereens? John 
 74 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 Tuam, your sowl, has tuck his pas- 
 thoral staff in his hand and heathen 
 them out o' Connaught as fast as ever 
 Pathric druve the sarpints into Clew 
 Bay. 
 
 Poor ould Mat Kavanagh, if he was 
 alive this day, 't is he would be the 
 happy man. ''My curse upon their 
 geographies and Bibles," he used to 
 say; '' where 's the use ov perplexing 
 the poor childhre wid what we don't 
 undherstand ourselves?" No use at 
 all, in troth, and so I said from the 
 first myself. "Well, thank God and 
 his Grace, we '11 have no more thrigo- 
 nomethry nor scripther in Connaught. 
 We '11 hould our lodges every Satur- 
 day night, as we used to do, wid our 
 75 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 chairman behind the masther's desk, 
 and we '11 hear our mass every Sun- 
 day morning wid the blessed priest 
 standing afore the same. 
 
 I wisht to goodness I had n 't parted 
 wid my Seven Champions ov Christen- 
 dom and Freney the Rohher: they 're 
 books that '11 be in great requist in 
 Leithrim as soon as the pasthoral gets 
 wind. Glory be to God! I 've done 
 wid their lecthirs, — they may all go 
 and be d — d wid their consumption 
 and production. 
 
 I 'm off to Tallymactaggart before 
 daylight in the morning, where I '11 
 thry whether a sod or two o ' turf 
 can't consume a cart-load ov heresy, 
 and whether a Aveekly meeting ov the 
 76 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 lodge can't produce a new thayory ov 
 rints. 
 
 But afore I take my lave ov you, 1 
 may as well finish my story about 
 poor Father Tom that I hear is coming 
 up to slate the heretics in Adam and 
 Eve during the Lint. 
 
 The Pope — and indeed it ill became 
 a good Catholic to say anything agin 
 him — no more would I, only that his 
 Riv'rence was in it — but you see the 
 fact ov it is, that the Pope was as en- 
 vious as ever he could be, at seeing 
 himself sacked right and left by 
 Father Tom ; and bate out o ' the face, 
 the way he was, on every science and 
 subjec' that was started. So, not to 
 be outdone altogether, he says to his 
 77 
 
Father Tom arid the Pope 
 
 Riv'rence, "You're a man that 's fond 
 of the brute crayation, I hear, Mis- 
 ther Maguire?" 
 
 > ''I don't deny it," says his Riv'- 
 rence. "I 've dogs that I 'm willing 
 to run agin any man's, ay, or to 
 match them agin any other dogs in 
 the world for genteel edication and 
 polite manners, ' ' says he. 
 
 " I '11 hould you a pound, ' ' says the 
 Pope, ' ' that I 've a quadhruped in my 
 possession that 's a w^ser baste nor 
 any dog in your kennel. ' ' 
 
 ''Done," says his Riv'rence, and 
 they staked the money. 
 
 ' ' What can this larned quadhruped 
 o' yours do?" says his Riv'rence. 
 
 ''It 's my mule," says the Pope, 
 78 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 *'and, if yon were to offer her gooldeu 
 oats and clover off the meadows o* 
 Paradise, sorra taste ov aither she 'd 
 let pass her teeth till the first mass is 
 over every Sunday or holiday in the 
 year. ' ' 
 
 ''Well, and what 'ud you say if I 
 showed you a baste ov mine," says 
 his Riv'rence, ''that, instead of 
 fasting till first mass is over only, 
 fasts out the whole four-and-twenty 
 hours ov every Wednesday and 
 Friday in the week as reg'lar as a 
 Christian?" 
 
 "Oh, be asy, Masther Maguire," 
 says the Pope. 
 
 "You don't b'lieve me, do you?" 
 says his Riv'rence; "very well, I '11 
 79 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 soon show you whether or no." And 
 he put his knuckles in his mouth, 
 and gev a whistle that made the 
 Pope stop his fingers in his ears. 
 The aycho, my dear, was hardly done 
 playing wid the cobwebs in the cor- 
 nish, when the door flies open, and in 
 jumps Spring. The Pope happened 
 to be sitting next the door, betuxt him 
 and his Riv'rence, and may I never 
 die, if he did n't clear him, thriple 
 crown and all, at one spring. ' ' God 's 
 presence be about us ! " says the Pope, 
 thinking it was an evil spirit come to 
 fly away wid him for the lie that he 
 had told in regard ov his mule ( for it 
 was nothing more nor a thrick that 
 consisted in grazing the brute's teeth) : 
 80 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 but, seeing it was only one ov the 
 greatest beauties ov a greyhound that 
 he 'd ever laid his epistolical eyes on, 
 he soon recovered ov his fright, and 
 began to pat him, Avhile Father Tom 
 ris and went to the sideboord, where 
 he cut a slice ov pork, a slice ov beef, 
 a slice ov mutton, and a slice ov sal- 
 mon, and put them all on a plate the- 
 gither. ''Here, Spring, my man,'' 
 says he, setting the plate down afore 
 him on the hearthstone, "here 's your 
 supper for you this blessed Friday 
 night. " Not a word more he said nor 
 what I tell you ; and, you may believe 
 it or not, but it 's the blessed truth 
 that the dog, afther jist tasting the 
 salmon, and spitting it out again, 
 
 f.~Father Tom. 81 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 lifted his nose out o' the plate, 
 find stood wid his jaws wathering, 
 and his tail wagging, looking up in 
 his Riv'rence's face, as much as to 
 say, ''Give me your absolution, till 
 I hide them temptations out o' my 
 sight." 
 
 ''There 's a dog that knows his 
 duty," says his Riv'rence; "there 's 
 a baste that knows how to conduct 
 himself aither in the parlor or the 
 field. You think him a good dog, 
 looking at him here : but I wisht you 
 seen him on the side ov Sleeve-an- 
 Eirin! Be my soul, you 'd say the 
 hill was running away from undher 
 him. Oh, I wisht you had been wid 
 me," says he, never letting on to see 
 82 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 the dog stale, ''one day, last Lint, 
 that I Avas coming from mass. Spring 
 was near a quarther ov a mile behind 
 me, for the childher was delaying him 
 wid bread and bntther at the chapel 
 door; when a lump of a hare jumped 
 out ov the plantations ov Grouse 
 Lodge and ran acrass the road; so I 
 gev the whilloo, and knowing that 
 she 'd take the rise of the hill, I 
 made over the ditch, and up through 
 Mullaghcashel as hard as I could pelt, 
 still keeping her in view, but afore I 
 had gone a perch. Spring seen her, 
 and away the two went like the wind, 
 up Drumrewy, and down Clooneen, 
 and over the river, widout his being 
 able onc't to turn her. Well, I run 
 83 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 on till I come to the Diffagher, and 
 through it I went, for the wather was 
 low and I did n't mind being wet- 
 shod, and out on the other side, where 
 I got up on a ditch, and seen sich a 
 coorse as I '11 be bound to say was 
 never seen afore or since. If Spring 
 turned that hare onc't that day, he 
 turned her fifty times, up and down, 
 back and for'ard, throughout and 
 about. At last he run her right into 
 the big quarry hole in Mullaghbawn, 
 and when I went up to look for her 
 fud, there I found him sthretched on 
 liis side, not able to stir a foot, and 
 the hare lying about an inch afore his 
 nose as dead as a door-nail, and divil 
 a mark of a tooth upon her. Eh, 
 84 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 Sprino-^ is n't that thrue?" says 
 he. Jist at that minit the clock 
 struck twelve, and, before you could 
 say thrap-sticks. Spring had the 
 plateful of mate consaled. ''Now," 
 says his Riv'rence, ''hand me over 
 my pound, for I've won my bate 
 fairly." 
 
 ' ' You '11 excuse me, ' ' says the Pope, 
 pocketing his money, ' ' for we put the 
 clock half an hour back, out ov com- 
 pliment to 3^our Riv'rence, " says he, 
 "and it was Saturday morning afore 
 he came up at all. ' ' 
 
 "Well, it 's no matther," says his 
 Riv'rence, putting back his pound- 
 note in his pocketbook. ' ' Only, ' ' says 
 he, "it 's hardly fair to expect a brute 
 85 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 baste to be so well skilled in the 
 science ov chronology." 
 
 In troth his Riv'rence was badly 
 used in the same bet, for he won it 
 clever; and, indeed, I 'm afeard the 
 shabby way he was thrated had some 
 effect in putting it into his mind to 
 do what he did. ' ' AVill your Holiness 
 take a blast ov the pipe^' says he, 
 dhrawing out his dhudeen. 
 
 ^T never smoke," says the Pope, 
 ^'but I have n't the least objection to 
 the smell of the tobaccay. " 
 
 "Oh, you had betther take a 
 dhraw," says his Riv'rence, "it '11 
 relish the dhrink, that 'ud be too 
 luscious entirely, widout something to 
 flavor it." 
 
 86 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 "I had thoughts," said the Pope, 
 wid the laste sign ov a hiccup on him, 
 *'ov getting up a broiled bone for the 
 same purpose." 
 
 ''Well," says his Riv'rence, ''a 
 broiled bone 'ud do no manner ov 
 harm at this present time; but a 
 smoke, ' ' says he, ' ' 'ud flavor both the 
 devil and the dhrink. " 
 
 ' ' What sort o ' tobaccay is it that 's 
 in it?" says the Pope. 
 
 ''Raal nagur-head," says his Eiv'- 
 rence, "a very mild and salubrious 
 spacies ov the philosophic weed." 
 
 "Then, I don't care if I do take a 
 
 dhraw, ' ' says the Pope. Then Father 
 
 Tom held the coal himself till 
 
 his Holiness had the pipe lit; and 
 
 87 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 they sat widout saying anything 
 worth mentioning for about five 
 minutes. 
 
 At last the Pope says to his Riv'- 
 rence, ''I dunna what gev me this 
 plaguy hiccup," says he. "Dhrink 
 about, ' ' says he — ' ' Begorra, ' ' he says, 
 "I think I 'm getting merrier 'an 's 
 good for me. Sing us a song, your 
 Riv'rence," says he. 
 
 Father Tom then sung him Monata- 
 grenage and the Bunch o ' Rushes, and 
 he was mighty well pleased wid both, 
 keeping time wid his hands, and join- 
 ing in the choruses, when his hiccup 
 'ud let him. At last, my dear, he 
 opens the lower button ov his waist- 
 coat, and the top one of his waist- 
 88 
 
 1 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 band, and calls to ]\Iasther Anthony 
 to lift np one ov the windys. ''I 
 dunna what 's wrong" Avid me, at 
 all at all," says lie; ''I 'm mortal 
 sick." 
 
 "I thrust," says his Riv'rence, 
 "the pasthry that you ate at dinner 
 has n 't disagreed wid your Holiness 's 
 stomach. ' ' 
 
 "Oh, my! oh!" says the Pope, 
 "what 's this at allT' gasping for 
 breath, and as pale as a sheet, wid a 
 could swate bursting out over his fore- 
 head, and the palms ov his hands 
 spread out to cotch the air. ' ' Oh, my ! 
 Oh, my ! ' ' says he, ' ' fetch me a basin ! 
 — Don 't spake to me. Oh ! — oh ! — • 
 blood alive ! — Oh, my head, my head, 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 hould my head! — oh! — ubh! — I 'm 
 poisoned ! — ach ! ' ' 
 
 ''It was them plaguy pasthries," 
 says his Riv'renee. "Hould his head 
 hard, ' ' says he, ' ' and clap a wet cloth 
 over his timples. If you could only 
 thry another dhraw o' the pipe, your 
 Holiness, it 'ud set you to rights in no 
 time." 
 
 ' ' Carry me to bed, ' ' says the Pope, 
 *'and never let me see that wild Irish 
 priest again. I 'm poisoned by his 
 manes — ubplsch ! — ach ! — ach I — He 
 dined wid Cardinal Wayld yesther- 
 day," says he, "and he's bribed him 
 to take me olT. Send for a confessor, ' ' 
 says he, "for my latther end 's ap- 
 proaching. My head 's like to split 
 90 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 — so it is ! — Oh, my I Oh, my ! — 
 ubplseh ! — ach ! ' ' 
 
 Well, his Riv'rence never thought 
 it worth his while to make him an an- 
 swer ; but when he seen how ungrate- 
 fully he was used, afther all his 
 throuble in making the evening agree- 
 able to the ould man, he called Spring, 
 and put the but-end ov the second 
 bottle into his pocket, and left the 
 house widout once wishing "Good- 
 night, an' plaisant dhrames to you"; 
 and, in troth, not one ov them 
 axed him to lave them a lock ov his 
 hair. 
 
 That 's the story as I heard it 
 tould: but myself does n't b'lieve 
 over one half of it. Howandiver, 
 
 91 
 
Father Tom and the Pope 
 
 when all 's done, it 's a shame, so it 
 is, that he 's not a bishop this blessed 
 day and hour : for, next to the goiant 
 ov Saint Garlath's, he 's out and out 
 the cleverest fellow ov the whole jing- 
 bang. 
 
 92 
 
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