056 289 1 i 7! 0! 3 = 61 FROM Mrs. Edmund Andrews Shi Surf Street Chiratio, Illinois Ujenison 'specialties By Marie Butterfield & Company ^Publishers Chicago Price 30 Cents penison's Plays Coyer the field or 171-tleJ* In tkere Jerie.r 5end for Complete/ Oescriphve T.S.DENISON & COMPANY Pu 623 South wabajh Ave. CHICAGO THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB A COMIC ENTERTAINMENT BY MARIE BUTTERFIELD CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY PUBLISHERS THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Miss LUELLA MATILDA PRIMROSE, President of the club. Miss SUSAN JANE HOPEWELL, Vice-President. Miss MARIA JANE HOPEWELL, Treasurer. Miss SALLIE BROWN, Secretary. Miss DORA DOOLITTLE, who knits slippers. Miss FAITH SNOWMORE, who does crocheting. Miss JULIA JONES, very demure. Miss MAUD HOPEWORTH, with the "Janice Meredith" curl. Miss MARY ELIZABETH SMITH, who wears corkscrew curls. Miss VIOLA LONGFELLOW, who pets a cat; a man hater. Miss LUCRETIA DE WITT, who does embroidery. Miss MARTHA WEINHAUBER, German spinster with ac- cent. Miss LUCY ROSEBUD, who carries a bunch of flowers. Miss BETSY BOBINKT, old maid from the country, with slat bonnet. YOUNG LADY in white, double of LUELLA. YOUNG LADY in blue, double of DORA. MR. TOMMY DOOLITTLE, Assistant Treasurer of the club, and "the pet." MR. PHILLIP ANDREW JAMES, newspaper reporter, with magic berries. TIME OF PLAY About One and One-half Hours. NOTE If the entertainment is longer than desired it can be easily shortened by omitting some of the songs and reci- tations. This will require but slight change in the lines and will be of no detriment to the play. Copyright, 1903, by T. S. DKNISON 2 MAI)!'. IN U. S. A. THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. PROPERTIES. Journal with big red heart hanging as a bookmark for roll call. Matrimonial journals. Large bag of candy gum drops, pen and ink and old-fashioned candlestick on Presi- dent's desk. Pen, ink, paper, etc., on reporter's desk. News- paper from which Phillip reads quotation. Phillip takes notes most of the time. Cat for Viola. Large book for secretary. Tin box with money for assistant secretary. Big bouquet of grasses or flowers to be thrown to Maud. SCENE PLOT. Door O O O Chairs for Old Maids O O O Secty.O *-Dar Red hearts on a string in front of stage, also decorate stage with red hearts. At back of stage place three large banners, or mottoes, LOVE, MATRIMONY, HEAVEN, printed in immense letters. These banners should be hung high in plain view of audience. The dark room can be arranged by the use of a curtain. 2055234 THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. COSTUMES. LUELLA. Stout, dark hair, parted in the middle, old' fashioned style, wears red rose in hair, prim white lace col- lar, old-fashioned breast pin. This is the leading role, and a pompous-looking woman should have this part. SUSAN. Blonde, waving hair, parted in middle, dressed in lavender, big shoulder scarf of white handkerchief, lilacs in hair, cameo ear rings and pin. Slender, dainty person for character. MARIA. Brown-haired type, old-fashioned green dress trimmed profusely in yellow with yellow rose in hair, car- ries big chatelaine bag. LUCY. Old-fashioned pink dress with many ruffles and frills, wears wreath of pink roses in hair, carries a book of poetry. Very shy and sentimental, always smiling shyly. DORA. Pale blue dress, corkscrew curls, long neck chain or string of beads, carries gay colored handbag with men's slippers in it, knits at them all the time. SALLIE. Brown dress, big poke bonnet trimmed pro- fusely in gay flowers. FAITH. Dressed in white, big poke bonnet trimmed in red roses, wears coquettish bows on sleeves of red ribbons, large handbag of red with crocheting, knits all the time. JULIA. Dressed in pale blue, old-fashioned big lace col- lar, wears a big bunch of feorget-me-nots, very demure. MAUD. Dressed in yellow, trimmed in black, old-fash- ioned black sash, bows of ribbon in hair, Janice Meredith curl. LUCRETIA. Dressed in bright blue, blue bows in hair, white lace collar, big bag of white with embroidery materials, does embroidery. THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. 5 MARY. Dressed in royal purple, dark hair, corkscrew curls, wears fancy headdress of white lace, carries handbag, does embroidery. VIOLA. Very tall, dressed in black and white, big old- fashioned sleeves, pink flowers in hair, has a pet cat in lap, strokes it and pets it all the time. MARTHA. Fat blonde, German type, dressed in blue, wears wooden shoes, white apron, white collar, and knits lace all the time. BETSEY. Dressed in a plain dark blue calico dress, big white apron, wears an old-fashioned slat bonnet, carries a big umbrella, an old-style handbag. YOUNG LADY. In white, with a rose in her hair, double of the President, after the magic berry. YOUNG LADY In pale blue, double of Dora Doolittle, after the magic berry. TOMMY. Very slender, boyish young man, dressed in very proper black clothes, black tie, carries a small ledger and a tin box with the funds of the club in it. PHILLIP. Newspaper reporter, with wonderful magical berries ; small young man, dressed in big plaid clothes. NOTE. It is not necessary to follow exactly the costumes as described. Have them look as old-maidish and grotesque s possible, which will add greatly to the fun. THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. SCENE. A stage with fifteen chairs placed as in the dia- gram, one large and prominent chair for the PRESIDENT, and four grouped near her for the VICE-PRESIDENT, TREAS- URER, SECRETARY and ASSISTANT TREASURER. A large table in front of the PRESIDENT'S chair with record books, matri- monial journals, a gavel, a big bag of candy gum drops, pen and ink and an old-fashioned candlestick. LUELLA discovered seated in President's chair primping her curls. LUELLA. Why, land sakes, what under the shining sun is the matter with the ladies of "The Old Maids' Club" to- night? I do declare! They have no children to dress or husbands to dress. Mercy me, what a blunder ! Of course women who are lucky enough to have husbands ought to be glad to dr . (Puts her hand over her mouth.} Well, I'll swan, no one here yet; why it is only a half hour until the club meets and not a single, solitary soul here but me. It is no wonder they are old maids if they have been behind time all their lives. That is one fault I will never have laid at my door. I once had a beau. Dear me, what fond memo- ries it does recall! (Takes out her handkerchief.} When I was expecting him I always got on my best bib and tucker two solid hours before he was coming, so I could compose myself. It is so exciting to have a man paying one atten- tion. Dear me, I lost him ; killed the poor thing with kind- ness. Oh, it was sad fate. (Takes handkerchief, puts to eyes and weeps, sobs and shakes all over in great sorrow.} Enter TOMMY. TOMMY (looks into her eyes tenderly.} What are you crying about ? 6 THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. 7 LUELLA. About an old lover who died. TOMMY (patting her on the shoulder very effusively}. Never mind, my dear Miss Primrose, perhaps you can find your ideal yet. LUELLA. Do you really think there is hope ? TOMMY. As long as there are men there is hope. ( Takes seat. ) Enter SUSAN, primping her hair. SUSAN. Why, how do you do, Mr. Doolittle (smirks and grins at him}. I am so charmed to see you here tonight. (Turns and bows very indifferently to President. To TOMMY. ) So glad I came early, Mr. Doolittle; it always makes me so happy to talk to you. Something here thrills me. (Puts hand over heart. Takes seat. TOMMY twists his thumbs, is confused.) Enter MARIA, carrying a chatelaine bag and fidgeting nervously. MARIA (in' a loud screaming voice). Why didn't you wait for me ? You know I never can get this dress buttoned up the back, Susan Jane ! SUSAN. It was late enough. I wanted to get here before all the men got here. MARIA (boms effusively to TOMMY, looks at him ten- derly). So delighted to see you, my dear Mr. Doolittle. (Goes to him, takes a big stick of candy out of her chate- laine bag and puts it in his mouth. He smacks his lips. MARIA takes seat.) Enter DORA, carrying an immense bag, with a man's slipper hanging over the top, yarn and needles sticking out. DORA (to TOMMY). Now, brother (very tenderly), Tommy, don't frown at poor me, for you know I can never be idle a single minute, and these slippers must be done to- morrow or the day after that or the day after that. (Greets the President. As she bows she drops skein of yarn, gets all tangled up in it, stumbles, clutches franti- cally at the dress of another old maid, yells furiously.} 8 THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. Help! Help! (Old maids run to her exclaiming: "Are you hurt, dear?" TOMMY never moves.) LUELLA. My poor child, I hope you have not dislocated some limb. DORA. No, I think not. My ankle turns so sometimes. Dear me, would it not be a serious calamity if it should turn when a man proposed? (Old maids help her to her seat and go to theirs. ) TOMMY. Why will you bring that infernal knitting to the club? Why don't you let it take a rest? Enter SALLIE with her knitting. A yarn sock drops to the floor and a ball of yarn rolls on the floor. TOMMY is over-polite in picking it up. SALLIE (smiles at him lovingly}. Thank you, you are such a dear ! ( Takes seat.) DORA. Yes, brothers can be very polite to someone else's sister ! Enter FAITH carrying a big red bag with crocheting. FAITH. How glad I am to see you, Mr. Doolittle (shakes his hand vigorously. Greets President coldly. Takes seat.) Enter JULIA, very demure, greets the President timidly, bows shyly to TOMMY, sits down in a meek manner. Enter MAUD, panting. MAUD. Dear me, my darling parrot was so sick I thought sure I could not come. Poor Polly, she was so pale, and could not say, "Polly wants a cracker." (Shakes hands with TOMMY, then with the President, toys with her curls and looks at Tommy, takes seat.) Enter LUCRKTIA, carries embroidery, drops her spool of silk, TOMMY runs to pick it up, stumbles, falls down. .Ill the old maids run to help him up, one holds his head, one grabs his hand and one his foot. LUCRKTIA (stoops over him and fans him). The poor dear! (After great commotion, they help TOMMY up and take him to hi-s seal. .Ill take seats.) THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. 9 Enter MARY, carries quaint handbag. MARY. How do you do tonight, Mr. Doolittle? Madam President. (Takes seat.} Enter VIOLA, carrying a cat. VIOLA. I could not leave my precious cat at home all evening, for kitty would be so lonesome. Isn't she a "dear"? (Greets President, hardly notices TOMMY.) Enter MARTHA, carries a big bunch of cotton lace. LUCY enters with her, and sits without speaking. MARTHA. Good efening, ladies unt chentlemens. (Takes seat.} Enter PHILLIP in a great hurry, big tablet under arm. PHILLIP. Good evening my dear ladies of the Old Maids' Club. I had to miss a big political speech to be present with you all this evening. Women are always more sympathetic than men. I love the women, one and all. Heaven bless 'em. (Sits down at table, takes out pencil and begins to write. Old maids gaze at him very tenderly. Some exclaim, "So handsome!" "So brilliant!" "So inter- esting!"} LUKLLA (stands up, adjusts her curls, pounds on the ta- ble with gavel). Order, order! Miss Longfellow, it will be better if you let the cat stay in the vestibule during the meet- ing of the club. VIOLA. Oh, please let her stay with me. She is so good. LUELLA. Of course, you know it is against the rules, but if she does not mew in public we can not object, can we? (Old maids say, "No, let the cat stay,'' with great pomp and pride.} Ladies of the club and gentlemen (makes low bow to the men) : The Old Maid's Club has met here tonight in open session, so that the men of this community could come and be like one of us, and we are overjoyed to have the presence of these estimable gentlemen, but we deplore the fact that the other men want to pass the "sweets of life" by without even coming to taste of our sweetness. We are fond of men (Old maids murmur, "Yes, indeed we are."} 10 THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. Man is an ornament which adorns an office, a home or a plow, and adds grace to a threshing machine; he is one of God's noblest creations. (Applause.) Every woman under the shining sun worships and adores some man, unless by chance she is a spinster then she adores all men. (Old maids jump up, clap their hands, mad applause, PRESIDENT has to wait and finally pounds on the table for order. ) We have belonged to this club for nine years ; most of us were charter members, were we not? (All answer "yes.") Dur- ing this time, one of our beloved members has passed away of a breach of promise suit and a broken heart. Poor thing! And one noble member has been joined in the holy bonds of matrimony through the kind offices of a matrimo- nial journal. The Heart and Hand was the name of this interesting journal, was it not? (Refers to one of the magazines on the table.) Her mission called her to western Montana. We are now just thirteen, and while I believe in the efficacy of that number, some of the club members are superstitious about it. (All shake their heads.) I hope for good returns before another year, for a man has been to see me twice this year, and I think he has symptoms of proposing. (Old maids say, "I wonder who it is?") I believe that the Old Maids' Club is a great benefit to any community, and we ought to have one in every county in the state. Then we would show the old bachelors the folly of their ways. But, my dear sisters, as long as there is life there is hope, so let us keep our eyes "peeled" in the future, and be even more diligent than we have in the past, and when there is a man in sight, hang on with a death grip, for a faint heart never won a man ; oh, never, never. I be- lieve in keeping a brave heart, and they say that all things come to those who try ; so I say try. And I firmly believe that the Fates will bring us, even if it be late in life, a man. (Loud applause.) As I call the roll, will each sister in an- swer to her name give me some quotation, either original or from some author who said wise things about love and matrimony. (Reads from a big book, which has a red heart hanging out as a bookmark.) THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. 11 DORA (rises, making a jerky bozv). "Roses and lilies, lilacs and rue, I want a husband faithful and true." (Sits down.) SALLIE (rises). Thackeray says: "Any woman can win any man she desires if she is not humpbacked." I always was as straight as an arrow. (Sits down. Applause.) FAITH (rises). "Love rules the court, the camp, the grove, And men below and saints above ; For love is Heaven, and Heaven is love." (Sits down.) JULIA (rises). I love him at morn and I love him at noon, I'll love him till death lest I am undone. (Sits down.) MAUD (rises). Oh, give me a man, be he fat or lean, Just so he is honest and his face is clean. (Sits down.) MARY (rises). I want a husband, and I want one bad, If I don't get one, my life will be sad. (Sits down.) VIOLA (rises, stroking her cat). A husband I need, be he young or old, Be he handsome or homely, I do not care ; He need not have riches so his heart is gold, If he'll only love me I won't despair. (Sits down.) 1? THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. MARTHA (rises). "Py luff are plest der Gots on high, Vrail mon pecomes ine deety, Und luff mit him is giffen ; Tiss luff dot makes der Heaffens shine, Mit hues more radients, more difine, Und turns der eart to Heaffen.' (She drops her lace and PHILLIP runs to pick it up. TOMMY does the same. They bump their heads and get the thread all in a tangle and wound around them. They start to uvestle. All the old maids help. Finally they get the thread untangled.) TOMMY (wipes his face in excitement). I tell you, my dear friend, I thought my time had come. Is my hair all mussed up ? Is my tie on straight ? ( DORA fixes his tie and LUELLA smooths his hair.) LUELLA (back to chair). Order! (All take seats.) LUCY (rises). "Gather the rosebuds while ye may, Old Time is still a-flying, And this flower that smiles today, Tomorrow will be dying." (Sits down.) SUSAN (rises and glances at TOMMY in a sentimental fashion). "A man to me a kingdom is." (Sits down.) LUCRETIA (rises). Longfellow said: "As unto the bow the cord is, So unto the man is woman, Though she bends him, she obeys him, Though she draws him, yet she follows. Useless each without the other!" (Sits down. Long and loud applause. Exclamations of "How true.") MARIA (rises). "It is not good for man to live alone." (Sits doivn Applause.) THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. 13 LUELLA. Ladies of the Club : Allow me to congratulate you on the happy thoughts you have imparted in your verses; it is another evidence of your interest in our club work, and it convinces me more and more that your one absorbing thought and aim in life is to get married. Mr. Kipling has not been known as a lover of our fair sex, but I will forgive him for all the mean things he has written about us now, for I found in one of his books my senti- ments. Do you not think if we could find a man like this that we would have happiness as thick as cold molasses in the winter time? (Reads in a sentimental fashion, with great flourish at the end.} "He must be a man of decent height, He must be a man of weight, He must come home on Saturday night, In a thoroughly sober state ; He must know how to love me, He must know how to kiss, And if he's enough to keep us both I can't refuse him bliss." (Long and loud applause.) TOMMY. Madam President, I wish I could be your ideal, only I do not weigh enough, I fear. LUELLA. Oh, thank you, my dear Mr. Doolittle; that is an obstacle which you might overcome. (Smiles lovingly.) VIOLA (furiously). Ladies of the club, I think this love- making is perfectly scandalous. Right before our eyes ! Why, the rest of us never have a chance when the President has the floor. LUELLA. Order, order! (Pounds on the table with the gavel.) I was nominated President of this club, and if T can get a man interested in me that is my business. Sit down and pet your cat, Miss Viola Longfellow. (Pounds on the table.) Will the Secretary read the itemized account of the year's expenditures? SALLIE (reads from a big book). Ladies, it seems we have been very extravagant during the year, and I always 14 THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. said it was ridiculous to spend so much on sending flowers to sick men; better feed the well ones. (Reads.} Cash received for club dues $65.00 Disbursements Matrimonial journals for one year 19.00 Candy hearts, for one year 7.25 Perfume and face powder, for one year 5.50 Flowers for widowers and bachelors, for one year. . . 10.00 Light and fuel, for one year 4.50 Love powders, for one year 5.00 Charms . 2.00 Total $53.25 This leaves us $11.75 m t^ 6 treasury. Is that right, Mr. Doolittle? TOMMY (opens tin box, counts money}. No, there is one dollar short. VIOLA (jumps up in a rage}. Yes, that is the man of it. I know there is a mistake. Why should man always have the counting of the money ? Let the women attend to that ! LUELLA (pounds on the table with gavel}. Order! Or- der ! Mr. Doolittle is a gentleman whose integrity has never been questioned. If he says there is only $10.75 in that box I believe it. Will the secretary please pass the gum drops to sweeten up our tempers a bit? (SALLIE passes a bag of gum drops. VIOLA takes a big handful, gives one to the cat.} PHILLIP. Madam President and Ladies of the Club : I noted in your expense account that the largest expense for the year was for Matrimonial Journals, and I want to call your attention to an interesting item in The Leader. (Name any local paper. Pulls out paper and reads this extract] : "Mr. John Atwell of (name local town} 'and Miss Malinda Johnson of (name local town} were married on Wednesday of last week. The marriage is the direct result of Mr. At- well advertising in The Leader for a wife. He is now hap- pily married to a nice Christian lady, with 80 acres of land and other property. So you see it pays to advertise in this paper even for a wife. The Leader proposes THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. 15 DORA (jumps up tvith her hand to her ear.} Who's *hat, that is a-proposin'? TOMMY. Oh, sit down, sister. I'll remember and give you the information when we get home. DORA. But if there is any proposin' goin' on I want to know where I am at. (Froivns and flops down mad.) PHILLIP. Ladies, with your kind permission I will pro- ceed to tell you how you all can get husbands. LUELLA (pounding vigorously for order}. Ladies, for mercy sakes do let us be as quiet as mice. PHILLIP. The Leader proposes to start a Matrimonial Bureau. Any lady or gentleman desiring to find a partner to share life's burdens may insert their ad. in The Leader. If we fail to find a mate we charge you nothing. If through the ad. we find you a husband or a wife, as the case may be, we charge you the small sum of $2.50. Come, ladies, you know it is a poor husband that is not worth over $2.50, even if he does look like "30 cents." Men, you all know that woman lovely woman is a priceless treasure. There is no use of living a life of single wretchedness when The Leader can get you spliced for $2.50. Who will be the first to orfer? MARTHA, (jumps up). I vill pe. Vy, I vod gif one fife dollar node right und de sphot for und huspand. (Pulls out the money, gives it to PHILLIP.) PHILLIP (puts the money in his pocket). Thanks. LUCY. I don't think I would begrudge paying $2.50 for a good, honest husband, but I would not w r ant to risk more. (Hands PHILLIP the money.) DORA. Why, a man would marry me in a minute if he knew what comfortablest slippers I can knit. TOMMY. Don't make a fool of yourself over those "dod gasted" slippers. I have slippers at breakfast, slippers for dinner and slippers for supper. God help the man you ever get! DORA. Now, Tommy, you know you wore out six pairs of slippers last year, and mother 'lowed no sister was kinder to you than your sister. (Begins to weep.} Iti THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. TOMMY. Now you are trying to make these ladies be- lieve I am a hard-hearted old wretch, when I am not. Why, I could not kill a sparrow. LUELLA. Never mind, my dear Mr. Doolittle. We al! know you could not kill a poor little sparrow and that your heart is as tender as a lettuce leaf in springtime. (Goes to him, pats him on the shoulder.} LUELLA (returns to chair, pounds for order}. Now Miss Maud Hopeworth, who is one of our promising poetesses, will entertain us with one of her original poems. MAUD (comes to the front and makes a bow clear down /-:) the floor, adjusts her curl, and reads carefully, accent- ing the name at the end of each stanza}. THE PEACH. There are pears and apples and plums, you see, And some grow ripe on a pretty high tree ; But this dear little "peach," which I tell you about, Plays the violin, or organ, till church is out. Sometimes he plays high and sometimes he plays low, But whatever he plays he never plays "slow," For he is a "peach" that don't grow on a tree, And his hair is black, and his name is - ie. (Any name ending with ie, as in Charlie or Georgie.} He can make love very much like a sweet honey-bee, And he is very bewitching, this dear - ie. He is gay and as light as a humming bird, And he'll tell you a tale you never heard, And he'll win your heart with his violin, And break it and try it over again ; For he is a "peach" that don't grow on a tree, And he is very bewitching this dear ie, No one could accuse him of being a flirt; No, no ! for that would his feelings hurt. But don't be serious when he is around, For he's fickle, they say, clear down to the ground ; THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. 17 If he makes love to you, you make love to him, For loving has never been counted a sin. But he never was serious, this "peach," don't you see : He's a gay little fellow, this dear - ie. (Great applause. MAUD takes scat.) (After this poem an absurdly big bouquet of grasses or hair flowers slwuld be throzvn at her by a young man in the audience.} PHILLIP. Miss Hopeworth, could I have permission to publish your poem in the (name local paper) ? VIOLA. I object. I don't think that he is a peach. LUELLA. All who are willing to have this poem pub- lished stand up. (All stand but VIOLA.) Then, Mr. James can have the poem, as the majority rules, Sister Long- fellow. Now, our honored vice-president, Miss Susan Jane Hopewell, one of our members known all over the country for her clever literary efforts, will favor us with a discourse on that vital question Love. SUSAN (comes to front and makes a very lo-iv bow and reads) . LOVE. Love is the biggest invisible quadruped that the world has ever known before or since Noah's ark. It is a monster that takes possession of people from the age of 3 to 103, and the older they are the worse effect it has on its victims. A child of 3 acts no worse than a woman of 60 (or a man, for the matter of that), when bitten by this monster, this beautiful monster of love. I have never in my life met a person who, if you would pin him or her down to cold, hard facts, would not confess to having been in love at least once, and sometimes many times in his or her life. If there is anyone present who has ever known a single per- son who has not been in love, I will pause to let them stand up. (Pauses.) VIOLA (jumps up. holding her cat up by her face). I have never been in love 1* THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. SUSAN. Well, my dear, you are a curiosity. LUELLA. We all feel that the monster left his sting on you, or you would not be such a rabid man-hater. VIOLA. I will just take my precious cat and go home, you horrid thing. (Begins to cry; starts to go. Great commotion in the club. Someone says, "If she goes, I will.") LUELLA. Will the secretary pass the gum drops ? ( SAL- LIE passes candy. VIOLA gives the cat one; sits doivn again.} Will Miss Hopewell continue? SUSAN. Love I have likened unto a monster, but it is the most contradictory of all the human passions. It brightens the eyes, quickens the step, sweetens the temper, and makes a person patient and long-suffering ; it makes the homely more bearable and the beautiful more beauteous ; it enhances youth and makes old age less sour. Love is the steam engine which moves the whole universe. Take an old man and let him fall in love with a maiden of sixteen ; why, he acts just like an old sewing machine oiled up; he runs along as good as new. (Mad applause.} On the other hand, take an elderly dame of sixty and let her fall in love with a young man of twenty, she will friz her hair, drop her knitting and wear high-heeled shoes and salmon pink and baby blue, and get so kittenish that all the family have to watch her on moonlight nights to keep her from playing Juliet and eloping and spoiling an old and respected family pedigree. Oh, love is such a vast subject. It has been written about since before the building of the pyramids in Egypt, and every writer under the sun tries to say something new about it. Love affects folks somewhat like smallpox it always leaves its mark. Love is the in- ventor of sighs, of smiles, of tears and laughter. Why, we would have another ocean if all the tears shed for love's sweet sake were gathered together in one body of water ; it would be salt water, too. And if all the smiles could be made into one, it would be a grin reaching clear round the world and a piece of a smile left over. In fact, love is Heaven and Hades mixed up and compounded and double Compounded. This sweet emotion is the paradise of the THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. 19 soul ; it is the fire that sheds its glow over all the world and beautifies it. Love beats all the Madame Wale's recipes in the world as a beautifier. It is worth more than wigs, or face powder, or false teeth, or hair dye, or silk, or diamonds. In fact, love is a regular bonanza ; it is a financial gold mine ; it is the motor that pays the rent, runs the house like an automobile, and pays the butcher, the baker and the candle- stick maker. Love beats everything else about a thousand miles, and it is my advice go and get in love. Oh, love! love and love ! Thy name even is sweeter than honey or clover blossoms. Go, my dear sisters of the club, and fall in love ; hypnotize a man by your very thoughts, for love begets love. Lavish your attention on cats or dogs or chil- dren (for practice), but I say there is nothing so worthy under the shining sun as a man. Go and love one and see if I have not told you the honest tr-uth. (Takes seat. Mad and long applause from the old maids.) LUELLA. Miss Dora Doolittle has promised to render us one of her songs, and I am sure the club will appreciate her singing. (See music on page 31. Should be acccoin- panicd on the organ or piano.) DORA (goes to front, bows and sings). AND THEN I HOPED ON There was a man who made love to me, And then I hoped on. He was just as sweet as he ever could be, And then I hoped on. He had hands like a girl, and my heart was awhirl, And then I hoped on. My cheeks were like roses, my teeth were like pearl, And then I hoped on. We cooed at the gate 'till it grew very late, And then I hoped* on. I angled quite well with a sweet little bait, And then I hoped on. 20 THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. He kissed me one night 'neath the old apple tree, And then I hoped on. His kisses were just as sweet as they could be, And then I hoped on. One fair summer's day he took a short ride, And then I hoped on. He never returned to make me his bride, And then I hoped on. He married a girl in another citie, And then I h-o-p-e-d on. They are as wretched as wretched can be, And yet I hope on. (Takes seat. Loud applause.) DORA (returns, makes a bow). I am very sorry, but that is all there ever was to my hopes, or I would sing you an- other verse. (Drops slippers in getting to her seat.) TOMMY. You certainly are making a show of yourself to-night, Dora. If mother could see you now. DORA. Yes, you never think your own sister does any- thing cute. It is always someone else's sister. LUELLA. We all adore you, Mr. Doolittle, and of course you are right. Dora has had quite a time this evening with her knitting, and we will be glad to have her leave it at home the next club meeting. DORA. I will not come, then, for I won't go anywhere that I cannot make slippers. Making slippers is the one joy of my life. TOMMY. Sit down and shut up about those slippers, OK I will burn up every pair on the farm when I go home. DORA. I won't. I will talk if I want to; that is why God gave me a tongue. LUELLA (pounds for order). The secretary will now get a report on the eligible men of (name local tozvn). S \LLIE. Will the president report her experience with Mr. (name someone in the tozvn) ? LUELLA. He called several times, and one night in the twilight told me that he could look into my eyes and feel that he was understood. (Great commotion and all the old THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. 21 maids jump up and yell in angry tones, ''That is just what he said to me.") Well, I do declare! I'll just blue-pencil that man. SALLIE. Miss Martha Weinhauber, report what Mr. said to you. MARTHA (rises). Vel, he tole me dot he luffed und voman in Chermany, und long bond de time de lilocks vus oud bloomin' his heart vandered avay ; put he never come pack no more alretty. (Sits down.) SALLIE. Miss Maria Ellen Hopewell, what success did you have with Mr. ? MARIA (rises). He is a widower with nine children, and he said he loved me too well to ask me to be a mother to his children ; but if I was willing to wait until they were grown up he would consider me as a candidate for wife No. 2. (Sits down. Old maids murmur, "That is some prospect/') SALLIE. Dora, please report your success with Mr. . DORA (rises'). I had no success. It was just a flat fail- ure. I told him I could knit the most comfortablest slip- pers that ever a man put on his feet, but he said he pre- ferred cowhide shoes. (Sits down.) TOMMY. I would have kept my love affairs to myself, Dora Doolittle. LUELLA. Order, order. SALLIE. Will Faith Snowmore report how she came out with Mr. ? FAITH (rises). He told me confidentially that he loved all women, and as soon as he could decide which he loved the best he would call again, but he has not done so yet. (Sits down.) SALLIE. Will Julia Jones report what her experience was with Mr. ? JULIA (rises, very demure). I think I would rather not tell. LUELLA. Oh, you have to tell if you belong to this club. That is one of the rules. JULIA. Well, he said oh, I hate to tell it. He said I was as sweet as a bunch of honeysuckle, and if I would kiss 22 THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. him he would make me his wife ; that he would never marry any woman without having kissed her first. SALLIE. Did you kiss him ? JULIA. No ; my mamma always taught me to be modest and to never allow a man to kiss me before marriage that it was an unpardonable sin. (Sits down. Old maids all say, "Well, I II kiss him; in a hurry, too.") SALLIE. Will Maud Hopeworth give us her report on Mr. ? MAUD (rises). He told me he was a natural-born female hater. (Sits down. Old maids, "Let us all set the dog on him.") SALLIE. Will Mary Elizabeth Smith report her trials with Mr. ? MARY (rises). Wall, you see, I hain't had no trial with him. He comes to see me twist a month and stays for tea and eats six gingersnaps and drinks three cups of tea, and says he has a perfectly lovely time, so I hope he will pro- pose. (Sits down. Applause.) LUELLA. As long as he likes gingersnaps there is hope. SALLIE. Will Viola Longfellow give us her report on Mr. ? VIOLA (rises). He said he could love me if I would give up my cat, and I just told him to love me, love my cat, and drove him off with the broomstick. (Sits down.) SALLIE. Will Lucretia De Witt give her report on Mr. of Jonesville? LUCRETIA (rises). He rode over from Jonesville twice. Once it was so cold he did not get thawed out, tho' I rubbed his hands tenderly, and the other time it was so hot he nearly had a sunstroke, and I had to keep cold towels on his head, so I guess he forgot to propose, and I keep hoping the weather will be more favorable next time. (Sits down.) SALLIE. Lucy Rosebud, will you kindly give us your report about Mr. - LUCY (rises). He sent me red roses for nearly a year and asked me if I understood the language of flowers, but I don't. Does anybody here know what red roses mean? (Old maids all yell, "Love.") THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. 23 LUCY. Well, I'll telegraph him to-night and see if I can get him on the string again. (Sits down. Mad applause.) LUELLA. Will all the members of the club stand while we repeat our club verse? (All stand cmd repeat together.} Man, man, man catch one as you're told, Little man, big man, fat or tall, Bachelor, widower, young or old Just any kind of a man at all. LUELLA. Let us repeat it again very softly. (All repeat softly. ) Man, man, man catch one as you're told, Little man, big man, fat or tall, Bachelor, widower, young or old, Just any kind of a man at all. (All sit down.) Great pounding heard outside. LUELLA goes to the door. LUELLA (looks out). What do you want here? (Voice answers, "Is this the Old Maids' Club of (name local town). LUELLA. Yes, it is. What do you want ? BETSEY enters, all spattered with mud and some on her face, carrying a big old-fashioned umbrella, a hand- bag and a lunch basket. Wears glasses and talks through her nose. BETSEY. Is this that thar club the hul country is a talkin' uv? LUELLA. Yes, I suppose it is. There is always "some- thing doing here." BETSEY. Wall, I want to jine. How much does it cost? LUELLA. Five dollars a year. BETSEY. Wall, that is a powerful big sum, hain't it ? LUELLA. No ; we don't think so if it gives us a chance to assume the flowery yoke of matrimony. BETSEY (reaching into a deep pocket and getting a big worn pocketbook). Wall, read me yer rules before I jine. When I jined the Methodist church I had 'em read the rules ter me. 24 THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. LUSLLA (reads out of record book). The Old Maids' Club. Each member must pledge herself to be kind and patient with every member of the male sex. She must contribute her services to all sick and disabled men free of charge. She must pay her club dues promptly. She must encourage all men to believe in matrimony. Each member shall love her sisters in the club as herself. She must solemnly swear to try to catch a husband by fair means or foul. Each member, when in trouble, shall seek the advice of the President of the club. Each member shall solemnly swear to love, honor and obey the wishes of the said President in all things. BETSEY (pounds on the floor ivith her umbrella and gets angry). I refuse to obey anything under the shining sun of Heaven but a man. I never seed the color of a woman's petticoat that I could obey. No, no ! Not Betsey Bobinet no siree not on your grandfather's dygeurrotype. No ! Oh, no! LUELLA. Then we do not want you, Miss Betsey Bob- inet of (name local town}. SALLIE (jumps up}. Hold on. Miss President. Don't you think she would bear reconsideration? LUELLA. Who is President of this club, you or me? (To BETSEY.) What is your occupation, Betsey Bobinet? BETSEY. I am an honest, hard-working woman. LUELLA. What do you do to occupy your time? BETSEY. Wall, to be honest, I hain't clone nothin' much fer nigh onto thirty-nine years but hunt fer a man. LUELLA. Never had a proposal? BETSEY Nary a proposal, 'pnn my soul ! That is why 1 made up" my mind to jine this club. Why, 1 rode twenty- seven mile on ole Xance to-day ter git here, and 1 am dis- appinted mightily; but 1 can't jine unless you will cut out that thar obey. That goes ag'in me, tumble. LUELLA. There is the door, madam! (Points to the door.} BETSEY. So you put me out, do you? Me, Betsey Bob- THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. 25 inet? Me, whose ancestors fit in the Revolutionary battle. No sir-ee, not Betsey Bobinet. (She unloads her things and sits dozvn on the floor and prepares to stay. ) LUELLA. Who ever heard of such audacity ? Corns, dear sisters of the club, let us arise one and all in a case of emer- gency and put Betsey Bobinet out. (Begins to roll up her sleeves.) I can fight a bit when I get mad. BETSEY. So can I when I git my dander up! (Rolls up her sleeves, takes her umbrella and waves it over her head.) Jes' you come at me if you think my fitin' ancestors' blood hain't in my veins ! (AH the old maids, TOMMY and PHIL- LIP crowded near left of stage. TOMMY and PHILLIP act frightened. LUELLA and BETSEY have a hand-to-hand tus- sle and then the old maids help, and after a great commo- tion they put her out.) BETSEY (yells from outside). Murder, thunder, re- venge (she pounds on the door, after a few moments shrieks). May my curse rest on you and keep you old maids till the crack of doom. (All return to seats.) LUELLA (pounds on her desk for order). Dear me, J hope we never, never will have another candidate for the club while I am president. (Wipes her face.) Now let us all stand and sing one of our club anthems. (All sing following song to the tune of "Come, Ye Dis- consolate," which is played very slowly and softly on the or- gan or piano. The music may be found in almost any church hymnal.) LONESOME MEN. Come, ye old bachelors, where e'er ye languish, Come to the garden seat, tenderly kneel, Here bring your wounded hearts, Here tell your anguish ; Man has no sorrow that woman cannot heal. Come, ye old widowers, where e'er ye are moping, Come to the Old Maids' Club, here to abide, Here leave your trunks, lu-iv do your hoping, Here find a bride ; Man has no sorrow that woman cannot feel. 26 THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. LUELLA. Now let us give our club "yell," and don't be afraid of being heard. Shout it very loudly, three times. {All old maids yell these words three times.} "Love, dove, matrimony, Sugarplums and kisses, If he don't get married This is what man misses." LUELLA. Now, Miss Sallie Brown will favor us with one of her pathetic poems. SALLIE (comes to front, makes low boiv and recites). LOVE'S COMING. Love comes like a butterfly, on the summer breeze, Love comes with the birds of air, fluttering through the trees ; It lights upon the gay young heart, like a honey-bee on a flower, It sips the sweetness, with an art of subtlety and power. (This verse should be recited very coquettishly, and at the end of it she executes a dance.) So come and sing and be gay and free, Dancing with flowers of spring, Oh, come and skip and dance with me, Happiness sweet will I bring. Love comes as the break of day, golden and fair at the dawn, It quickens the heart and pulse alway and sometimes leaves forlorn, But it ever was sweet, since beginning of time, and life Was never without it complete, so come and find a wife. (Takes seat.) TOMMY (jumps np and says in an excited manner). I'll tell you, I am perfectly astonished to find so many good poetesses in this club. I have been inspired here this even- THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. 27 ing, my dear women inspired, I tell you and I am going out on the street corners of (name local town) and tell the men to throw away their pipes and come to this club and be enlightened on such vital subjects. (Old maids all clap hands and throw him kisses.) LUELLA (goes to TOMMY, pats him on the back). Isn't he a darling man ? Oh, if we only had enough to go around like you, Tommy, dear Tommy. (Returns to chair.) DORA. You women will spoil Tommy. LUELLA. Dora, you never knew your place in this club. TOMMY. Sit down and knit, for Heaven's sake. If you have to do something, knit, but don't talk. LUELLA. Please pass the gum drops. (Git>m drops arc passed by SALLIE.) PHILLIP. My dear ladies, I have glad tidings for you. it seems to me there is a lot of good sentiment in this club wasting itself on "the desert air." Now, I have been deeply touched by hearing of your experiences, and I see no reason why the men of this community should not have their eyes opened. There is certainly nothing the matter with the hearts of you dear honorable women, and it seems to me that all you lack is the touch of youth to brighten your eyes and give the roses to your cheeks again. LUELLA (angrily). You presume, my dear sir. There is no member of this club over 49, and you men never call yourselves old at 60. Now ! PHILLIP. My dear Miss Primrose, I beg ten thousand pardons. I was only going to suggest something to ameliorate your condition in life. LUELLA. Then proceed in all haste. PHILLIP. You all know that last year The Leader sent me on a trip to Central America, and while I was traveling in the beautiful country of Yucatan, I found an old ruin, which was said to have been a temple when the highly civil- ized people of the Maya race lived ages ago. I discovered a box made of stone, and when I opened it there fell out a parchment and three little blue berries. I took them to a professor on antiquities and he deciphered the hieroglyphics on the box and told me they were magic berries, which the 28 THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. women of that age took to restore lost charms. I have kept these berries for the purpose of giving them to some mem- bers of your gentle sex who could appreciate their value, and I feel the time has come. (Takes three berries out of his pocket and displays them to the old maids. Puts berries back into his pocket.} LUE.LLA. How kind and thoughtful of you, Mr. James! (Other old maids exclaim, "It might be poison!"} Well, I am not afraid. I would take anything under the shining sun to be young and beautiful, and I will try one first. PHILLIP. The Professor who examined these berries said that instead of light they needed darkness to bring about the chemical action. So I think it advisable to go into a dark closet for ten minutes. LUELLA. I will do anything you say, anything. (Great excitement among old maids.} DORA. You better tell us all good-bye ; the magic berry might cause your death, dear Miss Primrose. LUELLA (great ado in kissing each one of the old maids good-bye). If I have said or done anything to give you the heartache I am truly sorry, and if I never see any of you beloved sisters again, you will see that my grave is kept green, for I died in a good cause. (Begins to weep. Kisses DORA and VIOLA the second time. TOMMY puts up his month to be kissed. She makes a more as if to do it, when all the sisters look shocked.) PHILLIP. (Comes forward.) Don't you think you could spare me one sweet little kiss? LUELLA. Yes, I would like to ever so much, but it is against the legends of this club to kiss any man in public, unless he be ^ husband or a relative. I am so sorry to dis- appoint you now, my dear Mr. James, but if I come back beautiful and alive, I promise to kiss you (in a whisper) when there is no one around. Good-bye again, one and all. (Waves her handkerchief to them and goes into the dark room. Returns quickly.) Where is the magic berry? PHILLIP (produces the berry. She swallows it and is led by Phillip into the dark room. TOMMY throws her a kiss) . THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. 29 SUSAN (now presides at the table). While we are awaiting the effect of the magic berry, Miss Lucretia DeWitt will entertain us with one of her graceful .dances. (Some- one plays a rag-time tune on the piano while LUCRETIA executes a rag-time dance un'th great exaggeration. Then a pretty young girl (LUELLA'S double} flits across the stage from the dark room. AH the old maids go up to her and feel her and look her over and exclaim, "Isn't she beauti- ful," "Isn't she lovely.") TOMMY (rushes to her and kneels down on both knees}. My darling, at last I have found you. I always loved you before, but now I adore you. Will you be my beloved wife ? LUELLA'S DOUBLE. Tommy, how sudden. Of course I will, with all my heart. ( Great show of affection; he hugs her and pats her on the face and chucks her under and chin, and finally she lays her head on his shoulder.} What bliss! (He kisses her. All the old maids appear shocked. VIOLA'S cat runs off the stage. TOMMY and LUELLA'S DOUBLE go to back of stage and pay no attention to anyone else until he does his dance at the end of play.) DORA (runs to PHILLIP). Oh, please give me one of those wonderful berries! (PHILLIP gives her one.} I never could swallow a pill in my life, but I'll take this or bust. (Makes a great face and struggles to swallow it and finally gets it down. PHILLIP rushes her into the dark room. Great excitement among the old maids. They begin to wrangle about who shall take the other berry.} FAITH. We ought to let Viola have it, because she is the oldest of all of us. VIOLA. If you would tell the truth, I guess you are the oldest; as for me, I would not perjure my soul by telling a lie about it. (The double of DORA comes shyly across the stage from the dark room. All the old maids exclaim, "Oh, what a wonderful change!") PHILLIP (runs to her). Oh, Dora, dear Dora, I was touched by your fondness for making slippers, but since you are so bewitching, I must declare myself. I love you, Dora, oh, more than I am able to tell. Do let us get married to- morrow. (She puts her arms around him. Excitemeni 30 THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. among the old maids. All gather around PHILLIP, and beg for the other berry. SUSAN pounds for order, but they pay no attention to her. They hunt for the magic berry in PHILLIP'S pockets. He tries to get away. DORA'S double shozvs signs of jealousy, and tries to keep them off. They pull off his collar and tie, and muss up his hair. They pull off his coat and then his vest, each trying to get their hands into the pockets.. They snatch the coat and vest from each other: finally two get hold of each sleeve of the coat. It tears in two. Same business with vest by two other old maids (coat and vest may be prepared for ripping). They wave the pieces and all rush for PHILLIP. He gets away from them, grabs DORA'S DOUBLE'S hand and rushes off the stage. They throw the pieces of the coat and vest after him-, zvhile all yell, "Give me the berry." "I want the berry." "Ain't he a brute." Great confusion.) SUSAN (pounding madly with gavel). Order! Order I ( No one pays any attention to her. Someone plays a wed" ding march on the piano.) TOMMY (jumps up and begins to sing, dancing in & mad fashion). Oh, I am so happy, I could throw myself away, I can't keep still while the music plays, To-morrow is my wedding day, We invite you all to come. QUICK CURTAIN. THE OLD MAIDS' CLUB. And Then I Hoped On 31 ^ ** &J < 1. There was a man who made love to mi 2. Cooed at the gate till it grew ver-y la then I lion m ff rjh = J 1 i i r-^= i ih -41 1 =} J-E i =^-j was just as sweet a an-gled quite well w s a 1 th a s\ ov - er veet li could lie t- tie halt i And thei I hoped (He hai ( He jpl ^ J -=p rj-^ -j ] -^r-= * f, < T T i n iff / r J^ T h ' < U f ij L =**= 3=F 1 L_L^ :HJ h:u kiss dslike a ed me one i irl anil my ight'neath the eartwas a-w old Jiji- pie t J j Jl hirO rue j inJthen H=* pH i |p= ioped l ^ ^ t .. j > i f > f Mf- -* T ^-^== ~t r P IF -fi^ 1 f T' ^ ; x ' . - T r ij "' lierks were like ros-es, my teeth were like pearl) tte. es were just as sweet as they could lie J**' * m T r i s SONGS WORTH WHILE SONGS WORTH WHILE For School, Home, and All Kinds of Entertainments Price, #1.00 A collection of 159 old familiar songs that all the world loves to sing American patri- otic airs, folk songs and ballads of many lands, college and glee club ditties both sen- timental and humorous, plantation songs and Negro spirituals, songs of the sea, and a few juvenile and sacred numbers. Words and complete piano music are given for each se- lection. Careful editing is one of the strong points of this admirable collection. Printed on a good quality of paper, well bound to open flat, size 7 by 10% inches, with a stout paper cover in colors. Partial Contents: Ah! I Have Sighed to Rest Me; Alice. Where Art Thour; A -Roving; Believe Me, if All Those Endearing Young Charms; Ben Bolt; Bold Fisherman; Boola Song; Campbells Are Comin'; Co-Ca- Che-Lunk; Come Back to Erin; Come, with Thy Lute; Comin' thro' the Rye; Cousin Jedediah; Cniiskeen Lawn; Darling Nelly Gray; Dear Evelina; De Camptown Races; Deep River; De Golden Weddin::; Drum Major of Schneider's Band; Faded Coat of Blue; Flow Gently, Sweet Afton; For He's a Jolly Good Fellow; Gaily the Troubadour; Girl I Left Ik-hind Me; Good-bye to Summer; Grandfather's Clock; Hail, Hail! the Gang's All Here; Harp That Once Thro' Tara's Halls; Home, Home, Can I Forget Thee?; I Cannot Sing the Old Songs; I've Lost My Doggy; Juanita; Killarney; Kingdom Comin'; Larboard Watch; Lily Dale; Listen to the Mocking Bird; Little Brown Jug; Long, Long, Ago; Mandolin Song; Marseillaise; McSorley's Twins; Michael Roy; Minka; Mollie Darling; My Last Cigar; Oh, Come, Come Away; Oh, Dem Golden Slip- pers!; Oh, My Darling Clementine; Old Zip Coon; Over the Banister: Polly-Wolly-Doodle; Quilting Party; Reuben and Rachel; Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep; Rumsty Ho!; Sally in Our Alley; See. tin- Conquering Hero Comes; Sleep, Baby, Sleep; Soldier's Farewell; Solomon Levi ; Spanish Cavalier; Steal Away; Sweet and Low; Sweet Genevieve; Swing Low, Sweet Chariot; There Is a Tavern in the Town; There's a Meeting Here To-night. **. . Qualify .--*-- "~ -f Denison's Monok^ucs Readings v -for Descriptive Catalogue, T.S. DENISON & COMPANY Publishers G23 South Wabash Ave. CHiCx\.<3O up>fbur - T show with Denison's Songs Denison's popular song list has been built up with a view to having every number adapted to use in musical comedies, minstrels, revues, and vaudeville sketches. Most of them are the work of professional song writers and have been prepared especially for the Denison song programs. The music is rich in catchy, up-to-date melo- dies; and the lyrics have the wide popular appeal and the snappy qualities that make a Denison song the hit of the show. While the list includes a good selection of ballads, comic songs predominate, offering the widest possible variety for all types of musical shows. Each number is published in regular sheet music form, for piano and voice. Send for Complete Descriptive Catalogue T.S. DENISON &COA/VRAIMY 623 J". WABASM AVC.